# Wife's Multiple Affairs



## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

It is going to be the 3rd anniversary of DDay soon. She was caught in 2011 April, thanks to iPhone tracking. Kind of walked on her virtually. The longest one hour of my life, staring at an iPhone screen. Three months later she confessed (kind of tricked her into it) about other two affairs in 2005-2006. All her affairs were at work. She had come clean with all details. All transparent and all. We are married for 12 years, have a 10 year old daughter.

Now, the problem is I am still not able to get over it. Especially since she had acuused me of having affairs all our marriage and literally made life misarable. Lots of things are trigger for me. I preferred to leave her, but for our daughter decided to work it out. Or at least try.

Has anyone successfully reconciled after multiple affairs of your wife? If yes, what did you do to make it a success?


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Hemingway said:


> It is going to be the 3rd anniversary of DDay soon. She was caught in 2011 April, thanks to iPhone tracking. Three months later she confessed (kind of tricked her into it) about other two affairs in 2005-2006. She had come clean with all details. All transparent and all. We are married for 12 years, have a 10 year old daughter.
> 
> Now, the problem is I am still not able to get over it. Lots of things are trigger for me. I preferred to leave her, but for our daughter decided to work it out. Or at least try.
> 
> Has anyone successfully reconciled after multiple affairs of your wife? If yes, what did you do to make it a success?


'Hot potato' of a subject, this.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation. I haven't heard of many who have stayed with a serial cheater who is a woman. Are you two in counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Tried. Failed. Divorced. Wished to God I would have left her sooner. Ruined things financially and caused my kids nothing but heartache. Seven years since and they are still in counseling. 

I wish you the best of luck. 

Clay


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP my wife got caught 3 days ago in a 3year ea/pa? ..she has one chance. Thats it.... anything ever again and we D

If its been 3 years and its not better for YOU ...divorce the cheating wife you thought you knew...we all deserve to have our mind back on track without all the baggage a WW spouse brings. One chance is all I will offer.

Newsflash...your wife she is not into you...never will be with 3 affairs

Only reason i am giving my wife a chance is her may have been an EA. ..and mostly fantasy crap.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Remember fool me once, shame on you. Foll me twice, shame on me?

Think about it. How many more chances do you think she deserves? 

Yeah your thinking about the kid but at least give the little one some credit. They do have brains and could figure out that something isn't right between Mom and Dad. Their far from stupid and they do hear when you think they don't.

You need a change and believe me when I tell you that your kid can survive divorce. Your divorcing your wife not your kid. Just give them the love that you have always given them and be there for them. They will survive.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

If you divorce her you can put the time, energy and emotion you would have spent checking up on your WW into your kid. 

Be a great dad.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hate to tell you but you are going to be sorry you stayed with her. Like the previous poster said, she is not into you. She's staying because you are her secure meal ticket. She is prostituting herself to you for room and board. How does that make you feel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Hemingway said:


> *Now, the problem is I am still not able to get over it. Especially since she had acuused me of having affairs all our marriage and literally made life misarable.*


So not only is she a serial cheater. She made your life miserable to boot even when you had no idea she was cheating. 

No reason to stay. Your not in a real marriage. Its a sham. Take Graywolf2 's advice here. Time for a new life.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Only reason i am giving my wife a chance is her may have been an EA. ..and mostly fantasy crap.


So she shaved her junk and put on sexy underwear just to send some texts??? Come on guy.... You're killing me. At LEAST admit she banged him repeatedly and you're still willing to give her another chance.

To the OP: Yeah you need to bail. Obviously the resentment is still there and will not go away. It's no way to go through life. Purge your soul and stop carrying this burden. Time to move on.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Hemingway said:


> Now, the problem is I am still not able to get over it....


Divorce. It is not possible for you to "get over it" IMO.
It is easier to admit that you deserve a loyal wife whom you can trust, or stay single.



Hemingway said:


> Has anyone successfully reconciled after multiple affairs of your wife? If yes, what did you do to make it a success?


Not me. Some seem to hang on for a very long time. It may be said that they are "successful." It is the exception to the rule.

Why do I say D? Because it is 3 years past D-day and you are on TAM asking about it. Your only reason is your daughter. She would probably be ok with you as a single father, or with a decent step-mother as a role model. Torturing yourself to live a lie will not be a great benefit to your daughter.

There are successful reconciliations, but usually not after multiple affairs. The marriages that survive multiples are rare.

It is your choice. Not making a choice is a limbo of sorts, and is similar to hell on earth.

With that being said, my hats are off to anyone that has success after going through the things you have experienced.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

never even considered R...

I can and will do better...I deserve better


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

Thanks all for the responses. Yes, even she knows that I am staying for the daughter. 

When I caught her first, I was all for reconciliation and wanted to do everything to save the marriage. But I had this lingering doubt (thanks to TAM) and eventually made her confess about the other two earlier affairs as well. Once that was confirmed, I lost any interest, but stayed for the daughter. I really want to consider divorce, but I worry about its effect on my daughter. Especially since wife is sure to to get the custody here.

She is a totally reformed person now, but I am almost always second guessing myself. I am just a shadow of the person that I was. After initially losing weight, now put on an extra 20 pounds. Kind of changed me totally. It had been killing me Slowly inside ever since.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Hemingway said:


> But I am shadow of he person that I was. After initially losing weight, now put on an extra 20 pounds. Kind of changed me totally. It had been killing me Slowly inside ever since.


Back to self care. 
Get in shape, eat healthy, drink ealthy, sleep well, persue your interests...
Make a new choice and stick to it.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Hemingway said:


> Thanks all for the responses. Yes, even she knows that I am staying for the daughter.
> 
> When I caught her first, I was all for reconciliation and wanted to do everything to save the marriage. But I had this lingering doubt (thanks to TAM) and eventually made her confess about the other two earlier affairs as well. Once that was confirmed, I lost any interest, but stayed for the daughter. I really want to consider divorce, but I worry about its effect on my daughter. Especially since wife is sure to to get the custody here.
> 
> She is a totally reformed person now, but I am almost always second guessing myself. But I am shadow of he person that I was. After initially losing weight, now put on an extra 20 pounds. Kind of changed me totally. It had been killing me Slowly inside ever since.


Are there any step children involved on either side? That may play a factor as well.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Hemingway said:


> *Once that was confirmed, I lost any interest*, but stayed for the daughter.


Make her really feel this, and watch how she starts to act around you.

(Hint: Nighttime, moth and a lamp post.)


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Hemingway said:


> Thanks all for the responses. Yes, even she knows that I am staying for the daughter.
> 
> When I caught her first, I was all for reconciliation and wanted to do everything to save the marriage. But I had this lingering doubt (thanks to TAM) and eventually made her confess about the other two earlier affairs as well. Once that was confirmed, I lost any interest, but stayed for the daughter. I really want to consider divorce, but I worry about its effect on my daughter. Especially since wife is sure to to get the custody here.
> 
> She is a totally reformed person now, but I am almost always second guessing myself. I am just a shadow of the person that I was. After initially losing weight, now put on an extra 20 pounds. Kind of changed me totally. It had been killing me Slowly inside ever since.


Sounds typical. Most of us want to R initially. We almost always find much more after we dig deeper. They tend to trickle truth us to the point of killing the relationship.

You are picking your poison. Killing yourself emotionally, or splitting your family.

How old is your daughter? Too young to know, or old enough to adjust? Have you discussed plans to D with your wife? Would she be fair to you and your child?

It seems that lingering doubts in your marriage will continue to erode you and your wife. You are reaching out now because you are coming near a decision. Your decision is to D, or at least to ease your guilt about a D. Think of cancer. Think of a sudden cardiac arrest. I would rather die quickly. You are dragging it out by sitting on the fence this long. Either sucks, but emotionally the cancer is more draining.

D is not all that bad. Sure, you lose lots of money, former lifestyle, time with kids, etc. but there are silver linings. You begin to heal. You can remove the source of pain from your life. You are free to pursue your dreams. This is often with a new woman. It helps us immensely when we find good people to surround ourselves with. New relationships might be beneficial to you.

I think my D was a turning point. My life will never be the same, but I appreciate the new things that I have found.

I am pro D for extended betrayal(s).

Others have picked R. Some seem to be grateful for a new marriage with the same spouse. Ultimately you need to decide for yourself.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Graywolf2 said:


> If you divorce her you can put the time, energy and emotion you would have spent checking up on your WW into your kid.
> 
> Be a great dad.


Exactly, and I can attest to this. Although it didn't take me long to decide to divorce my x-wife, but there was no way I was going to stay with her and be miserable. A miserable father doesn't do his child any good.

Now, even though I couldn't get custody from my cheating wife and only see them twice a month, the time I am with them I am a happy father. I don't have the drama and baggage that comes with being with someone I don't trust and miserable with.

I enjoy the time with my kids and they enjoy coming to my place. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy them if I was constantly worried about a wife that likes getting strange.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Did you get her to sign an agreement that if she cheats more than once, you get custody, she pays alimony and you get a favorable property split?

See if you can get one now.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> OP my wife got caught 3 days ago in a 3year ea/pa? ..she has one chance. Thats it.... anything ever again and we D
> 
> If its been 3 years and its not better for YOU ...*divorce the cheating wife you thought you knew...*we all deserve to have our mind back on track without all the baggage a WW spouse brings. One chance is all I will offer.
> 
> ...


That's funny, you saying that...

You should take your own advice and "divorce the cheating wife you thought you knew..."...


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Hemingway said:


> It is going to be the 3rd anniversary of DDay soon. She was caught in 2011 April, thanks to iPhone tracking. Kind of walked on her virtually. The longest one hour of my life, staring at an iPhone screen. Three months later she confessed (kind of tricked her into it) about other two affairs in 2005-2006. All her affairs were at work. She had come clean with all details. All transparent and all. We are married for 12 years, have a 10 year old daughter.
> 
> Now, the problem is I am still not able to get over it. Especially since she had acuused me of having affairs all our marriage and literally made life misarable. Lots of things are trigger for me. I preferred to leave her, but for our daughter decided to work it out. Or at least try.
> 
> *Has anyone successfully reconciled after multiple affairs of your wife? If yes, what did you do to make it a success?*





Hemingway said:


> Thanks all for the responses. Yes, even she knows that I am staying for the daughter.
> 
> When I caught her first, I was all for reconciliation and wanted to do everything to save the marriage. But I had this lingering doubt (thanks to TAM) and eventually made her confess about the other two earlier affairs as well. Once that was confirmed, I lost any interest, but stayed for the daughter. I really want to consider divorce, but I worry about its effect on my daughter. Especially since wife is sure to to get the custody here.
> 
> *She is a totally reformed person now,* but I am almost always second guessing myself. I am just a shadow of the person that I was. After initially losing weight, now put on an extra 20 pounds. Kind of changed me totally. It had been killing me Slowly inside ever since.


Dear Hemingway,

First, please be aware that there is a rather strong bias on TAM/CWI for divorce. This is only natural, given that many if not most of the posters here, especially the men, got really raw deals from their xWWs. Please bear this in mind when considering the advice you receive.

Second, you have not provided enough information for anyone to offer you sound advice. For example,

- to what extent has your WW (whom you say is "a totally reformed person") _demonstrated_ remorse, what has she _actually done_ to overcome her own issues (e.g., has she had IC, has she changed jobs) and how does she _behave_ towards you now (e.g., is she loving and sympathetic, is she sexually open to you)?

- what have you done to heal yourself (e.g., IC, read MMSLP, NMMNG and HNHN*)?

- what have the two of you done to establish a better relationship (e.g., MC, spending more time together, reading up on what it takes to have a good marriage)?

Third, what have you done to prepare for divorce? Have you consulted a lawyer? Do you have a support network of family in friends to help you through the very difficult time you will face during the divorce process?

IMO, without additional information, no one can offer you good advice.

Finally, with regard to your specific question, "[h]as anyone successfully reconciled after multiple affairs," the answer is yes but it does not seem to be the usual outcome. You might benefit from reading Thorburn's thread (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/67156-i-am-back-gets-worse.html) and, if he chooses to post here, pay very close attention to what he says as he is one of the most knowledgeable, practical and sincere TAM members.

Looking forward to learning more about your situation and wishing you and your family the best.

* Here are cites to the books I referenced above:

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 9780800744236: Amazon.com: Books


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Hemingway said:


> even she knows that I am staying for the daughter.
> 
> but I am almost always second guessing myself. I am just a shadow of the person that I was. After initially losing weight, now put on an extra 20 pounds. Kind of changed me totally. It had been killing me Slowly inside ever since.


So you are staying for your daughter, but what example are you setting for your daughter ?

Kids are smart. Kids KNOW !

What if the lesson she ultimately learns from this when she becomes an adult is :" Yeah, my mom cheated on my dad, but he stayed, its not a big deal"

She will find out one day, assuming she doesn't already know. Then what ?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Back to self care.
> Get in shape, eat healthy, drink ealthy, sleep well, persue your interests...
> Make a new choice and stick to it.


I hope you haven't been drinking alcohol, because that will put it on your real quick, also a beautiful downward spiral that mixes in well with depression.

You can have the 20 off in a little over a month. I'd just do 30 minutes to 1 hr cardio every single day, it could be a walk. Stop drinking if you do, and don't eat due to stress. Eat what your body needs.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- ultimately the decision to stay or go is yours at this point.

Did you and her both get tested for stds?

Also, while she may have confessed after being "tricked" she knows you are only staying for your daughter... have you done a paternity test on the daughter? They are cheap, painless and private. You can do one from the privacy of your own home and do not need your wife to participate. Spend a few minutes on google for paternity testing and you'll have several options. If you need help finding a place, PM me. I used one of the online labs for my own case.

There may still be more you don't know.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Also, children do adjust. If your home life is not healthy and full of love- then it is time to set an example and provide that environment for the child... even if it means you do so as a single parent.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Hemingway said:


> Has anyone successfully reconciled after multiple affairs of your wife? If yes, what did you do to make it a success?


I have not...I am still in limbo 4 years later. 

What I have concluded is the marriage only really has a chance if you honestly love being with your spouse now when you aren't thinking about the affair (and that has to go both ways).


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

thebadguy said:


> I have not...I am still in limbo 4 years later.
> 
> What I have concluded is the marriage only really has a chance if you honestly love being with your spouse now when you aren't thinking about the affair (and that has to go both ways).


Don't want to threadjack, but what are your reasons for staying, badguy?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Hemingway said:


> It is going to be the 3rd anniversary of DDay soon. She was caught in 2011 April, thanks to iPhone tracking. Kind of walked on her virtually. The longest one hour of my life, staring at an iPhone screen. Three months later she confessed (kind of tricked her into it) about other two affairs in 2005-2006. All her affairs were at work. She had come clean with all details. All transparent and all. We are married for 12 years, have a 10 year old daughter.
> 
> Now, the problem is I am still not able to get over it. Especially since she had acuused me of having affairs all our marriage and literally made life misarable. Lots of things are trigger for me. I preferred to leave her, but for our daughter decided to work it out. Or at least try.
> 
> Has anyone successfully reconciled after multiple affairs of your wife? If yes, what did you do to make it a success?


Hem,

4 year+ I was exactly in your shoes... Caught her in and affair, turns out she had been cheating with other for 6+ years. You can read my initial post going back to 2010 when I logon to TAM. I am one of the few... still married. My IC gave us a "professional" 5% chance considering the length and level of betrayal. 

Yep, I can assure you that you whether R or D, you will never really "get over it". It changes you. You will never look at your wife the same way as before. You will never feel for her like the day you married. You will never be the same person or trust anyone "fully" again. It changes you.

OK... what you want to know? Do you stay and try to make the best or do you Bolt? 

Dude, it's your call. Take it day by day. No one can make that call for you. Welcome aboard... take a window seat on the Crazy Train.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hemingway said:


> .........
> Has anyone successfully reconciled after multiple affairs of your wife? If yes, what did you do to make it a success?


Extremely rare from what I see. 

My own experience I tried but was just beaten down by it in the end - love is still there but trust becomes nil and that becomes a bigger issue than the love 

The truth of the matter is that you have to understand that if you let them do it twice - it's the green light. 

Recently a couple of months ago after 20 months past separation she professed "wanting to come home" "we deserve to try again" 

Our kids 11 and 10 (50/50 custody) said they did not want her home again as "you'll never know if she is with somebody else dad"

Even they know the score with it.

I deeply regret giving her any more chances after the 2nd one. More fool me


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Graywolf2 said:


> If you divorce her you can put the time, energy and emotion you would have spent checking up on your WW into your kid.
> 
> Be a great dad.


I agree. Staying together for the kids does not always work. I've seen the chances put at 50-50. Do you fully trust your wife to be a good mom and give the time needed to be that? Or is she going to be texting someone or sneaking out to see someone? If you don't have that faith in your wife it will come out in your body language toward her, and her body language toward you. And your kids will pick up on it instantly. Kids become experts at that from the time they are born.

So if your relationship with your WS is not good, divorce is the best way to go.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I kept my old lady around after d day four yrs ago. She phucked around on me for 13 years with 20 pos.

The thing is she has taken the steps to affair proof the marriage like dumbing her old cell, staying home, getting rid of toxic friends, and making sure to give me what I needed to heal.

There is this huge degree of submission Mrs. the-guy has and what she must do to stick around.

I believe if there is true remorse and actual work being done in changing her behavior for her own good and not for you then there is hope. Until she can face why she needs to be the company wh0re and resolve this unhealthy behavior so she can have emotionally healthy relationship with a man then she will do it again.

Your old lady has to believe you will bail on her in a heart beat. I think she will do it again... at least for the next 8 years until your kid is of age and you have no reason to stay with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So the question is, can she face why she likes to be used by other coworkers and will she get the help to fix this?

Can she face what she has become/was and work on her self to be a better moral women?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

Thanks all, again for your responses. I understand your drift. Yes, it is my call. Upto me to take a decision.

I can say she has been doing almost everything a WS should do to reconcile. Totally transparent and willing to put up with my demands. She says she is happy at last about getting her truth out. Turns out she was abused as a child by own brother and a cousin.

Now the problem iwith me is, somehow I don't trust her anymore. I do not feel any connection. I feel I was never valued by her. That there was never a true love from her side.

As for sex, now it is only when she needs it. She had complained to her last OM that I ra&es her forcing for sex when she is not rady, etc. That I am not romantic, too conservative. So yeah, I have kind lost my Longing for her. I don't initiate anymore. If she wants, I am fine with it. Let's do it kind of sex. But now she wants me to be more touchy feely, but somehow I don't feel like it much!

I know things are not going the way it should. So this is what I am doing right now. I am on a two month break from her and everything. A journey to get myself back on track. Last week I moved to a new city, joined a gym, got a PT. Taking some other classes as well. Doing some voluntary work. Engaging myself in ways I havent done for a longime. I am not sure what it will bring after two months, but I am changing myself for sure!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's telling you what she thinks you want to hear. 

And they were all raped or molested or abused. It's a tired old excuse. 

Ask yourself what she offers you. Ask yourself what you deserve. I think you deserve a wife who doesn't run around spreading her legs for every John that unzips his fly. I think you deserve respect. I think you deserve to be happy. Can she give you these things ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you have made the choice. It looks like even tempory letting her go has made you happier. Maybe a permanent divorce will help you heal.

It's been said reconciliation is just as hard as divorce so my question is, are you running away from something or running towards something . This answer might help you decide your next path.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hemingway said:


> Turns out she was abused as a child by own brother and a cousin.


Sorry, we have posters here, who have had terrible things happen and never cheated on their spouses. This includes people who were and were not treated.

She cheated because she wanted to. She cheated again because she wanted to. She stopped cheating because she was caught.


> As for sex, now it is only when she needs it. She had complained to her last OM that I ra&es her forcing for sex when she is not rady, etc. That I am not romantic, too conservative. So yeah, I have kind lost my Longing for her. I don't initiate anymore. If she wants, I am fine with it. Let's do it kind of sex. But now she wants me to be more touchy feely, but somehow I don't feel like it much!


 So, she was abused and then tosses "rape" and "force" like this? Wow.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Hemingway said:


> Thanks all for the responses. Yes, even she knows that I am staying for the daughter.
> 
> When I caught her first, I was all for reconciliation and wanted to do everything to save the marriage. But I had this lingering doubt (thanks to TAM) and eventually made her confess about the other two earlier affairs as well. Once that was confirmed, I lost any interest, but stayed for the daughter. I really want to consider divorce, but I worry about its effect on my daughter. Especially since wife is sure to to get the custody here.
> 
> *She is a totally reformed person now,* but I am almost always second guessing myself. I am just a shadow of the person that I was. After initially losing weight, now put on an extra 20 pounds. Kind of changed me totally. It had been killing me Slowly inside ever since.


*Especially since she had acuused me of having affairs all our marriage and literally made life misarable.*


I am a little confused. Is she still accusing you of having affairs during your marriage?

If she is still saying this then she has not reformed at all.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hemingway said:


> Thanks all, again for your responses. I understand your drift. Yes, it is my call. Upto me to take a decision.
> 
> I can say she has been doing almost everything a WS should do to reconcile. Totally transparent and willing to put up with my demands. She says she is happy at last about getting her truth out. Turns out she was abused as a child by own brother and a cousin.
> 
> ...


Well you've effectively 'moved on'. Well done, you've done the hard part. Now simply ask yourself do you want that old life back where every day is a trial? In terms of sex, this is a big deal a fundamental part of the relationship and she's clearly not happy with it in her core - Will she change ? In my honest opinion not a chance. 

When she decides she wants to restart she will be great for three months 

then what ...........? 

I know love plays with the deepest things within us but personally I'd stay where you are and view her as history


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I've heard that. Wish I would have known the _red flags_ before I came here.

Wife coming home every day with cum-stained panties? Accusing _you_ of cheating, every day, despite everything you do to calm the flames? Rewriting history? Making (what you KNOW) are insane claims?

Could write five paragraphs. Why bother.

Post some more. But with my brief bit of fleeting knowledge and my itty-bitty self-awareness you need to steel yourself, care about _you_, because no one else ever really will, truly, and move on.

I have no idea where you live but I've read up on all the laws in my state. Once my son turns twelve I can finally talk to him. Not ever before then, and I will record and video tape him talking about what his mother tells him. But once he's twelve I'll give him my password to Write In Private: Free Online Diary And Personal Journal | Penzu and he can read the journal I've been keeping for him. Sure it's ten years away but once he's old enough he deserves to know the truth.

Plus once he's twelve he gets to decide where he lives. It's probably my only chance for something better than 50-50 joint.

But based on the tiniest fragment of your life that you've shared I recommend that you start focusing on yourself. No one will ever truly care about you as much as you NEED to care about yourself. It sucks. Life sucks. Took me awhile to realize what was going on, even with the truth kicking me in the head, everyone and anyone who cared about me telling me, everyone here telling me, my therapist telling me, no end.

Just ignore her. You need to flat-out ignore her. Put all of your energy into yourself and your daughter. You two are the two people who truly matter in your life because you _have to_ move on.

Weird things happen once you move on. And I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. You deserve to find someone who loves you the way you love them. Don't forget it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good post Rusty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> She cheated because she wanted to. She cheated again because she wanted to. *She stopped cheating because she was caught.*


Exactly...

I suspected for years, finally caught her in an affair with old college BF. Turns out she had been cheating for 6+ years with other BF and co-workers. 

I asked her the *Why?*

Why would you keep cheating... knowing it would ruin your marriage? You got away with it for 2 years in your 1st affair and it solved nothing. You knew it was fantasy, OM just wanted sex and you got a cheap high. Why not just quit, file for divorce, get counseling, tell me - plead for mercy, take it to the grave?

She admitted _"I knew it was wrong", _every time they met in secret. _"I said, this is the last time. I wanted it more. I was addicted to the feeling it gave me. It was exciting."_

The only way she would of ever stopped was the *Train Wreck.* All her justifications, years, that she had been leaning on to continue her affairs in an instant crumbled under the weight of truth. She had spent years building her defense (WHY) and in mere minutes they all evaporated under the level of her betrayal.

Hear a truth... Cheaters truly believe... they will never be caught.


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

RWB said:


> Exactly...
> 
> I suspected for years, finally caught her in an affair with old college BF. Turns out she had been cheating for 6+ years with other BF and co-workers.
> 
> ...


Totally agree. If she was not caught, I'm sure my wife would ave been happily searching for new men to cheat me on. She was the pursuer, in all cases. So Yeah, I understand.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Have you talked to an Individual Counselor about your issues? I'm loathe to comment, but I see a couple of issues you may be ignoring.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hemingway said:


> I know things are not going the way it should. So this is what I am doing right now. I am on a two month break from her and everything. A journey to get myself back on track. Last week I moved to a new city, joined a gym, got a PT. Taking some other classes as well. Doing some voluntary work. Engaging myself in ways I havent done for a longime. I am not sure what it will bring after two months, but I am changing myself for sure!


What other things have you done to help yourself with her cheating? Have you looked into counseling, either joint marriage counseling or individual? Do you have someone to talk to about some of these issues?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Hemingway said:


> Thanks all for the responses. Yes, even she knows that I am staying for the daughter.
> 
> When I caught her first, I was all for reconciliation and wanted to do everything to save the marriage. But I had this lingering doubt (thanks to TAM) and eventually made her confess about the other two earlier affairs as well. Once that was confirmed, I lost any interest, but stayed for the daughter. I really want to consider divorce, but I worry about its effect on my daughter. Especially since wife is sure to to get the custody here.
> 
> She is a totally reformed person now, but I am almost always second guessing myself. I am just a shadow of the person that I was. After initially losing weight, now put on an extra 20 pounds. Kind of changed me totally. It had been killing me Slowly inside ever since.


A better option for you seems to me that you try to live agreable in a separation. Divorced or not, but able to lead your own live. Have a new relation and get healing again.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I'm that oddball here Hemmingway... 6 OM, 1 OW and trying to R with a SA. My story is linked at the bottom on my signature.

Feel free to ask away... It is not an easy path, but so far everyone is right on track; Focus on you and place yourself at the top of the 'to do' list.

edit; Another in R with multiple affairs active here is Thorburn... he also happens to be a ex-military counselor.


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the comments and suggestions.

I had two IC session in the first six month since DDay. I found it too painful reliving those memories and stopped further.

I am going to get some IC. I understand I need to do it at least for my own sake. Scheduled to start this Saturday. Will update.


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

Racer said:


> I'm that oddball here Hemmingway... 6 OM, 1 OW and trying to R with a SA. My story is linked at the bottom on my signature.
> 
> Feel free to ask away... It is not an easy path, but so far everyone is right on track; Focus on you and place yourself at the top of the 'to do' list.
> 
> edit; Another in R with multiple affairs active here is Thorburn... he also happens to be a ex-military counselor.


Thanks for posting Racer. I think my post count is less, no acces to your story. Hope to read it soon.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hemingway, how did you "trick her" into confessing the other two affairs ?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Hemingway said:


> Thanks for posting Racer. I think my post count is less, no acces to your story. Hope to read it soon.


Here is thorburn's epic long thread... I'm sure he wouldn't mind you asking him questions.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/67156-i-am-back-gets-worse.html

He and I took different approaches. I went Dresden firebomb (burn it all down) route. Basically means I got so distant and done, I stopped caring about the outcome or hurting her. At which point I was 'liberated' enough to stick around and rip into her self-esteem, kick her down the well and burn it all on some speculation that the woman I loved was somewhere deep inside and would come out of those ashes (also extracting my 2lbs of flesh along the way to pacify my severely wounded ego).... or I'd just divorce and be done with it. Not pleasant, not nice, very few will pat you on the back since it's basically sort of a dark thing to do (you just don't do this to someone you love... I just accepted her terms that it is what she's ok with... mirrored it back... not affairs, but the disrespect and laughing at her distress instead of rescuing).

Since I was 15 years into it, 3 kids, and a lot of assets at stake, it was worth a shot. I always believed in her and my gut that continued to tell me she was my one for no rational reason at all. 

To get by, I sold myself whatever hairbrained notion I needed to stay one more day. Finances, kids, or whatever I thought was a good reason; I could easily change my mind tomorrow or the reason I stay. Started with "I'll stay today"... then "this week I'll stay"... then "month". Not quite up to thinking in terms of a full year yet or until death do us part... 

Like a good and foggy wayward, I'm able to make all sorts of rational and justifiable reasons to go against my ethical and moral beliefs to do 'the wrong thing' until enough time passed and there were enough changes in the marriage that one day staying feels like the "right thing" and the adultery is more like 'those bad years' behind us .... 

Currently doing 'ok, to generally happy' in the marriage 5 years out of this mess.

First was her stopping all of the adultery stuff and male friendships. Couldn't do it if she wouldn't. (meh... take that back, before the false-R, I did) The false-r is what finally broke me of trying to nice and sympathy my way back in. A biggy once that was done was getting down to the real 'why' with her that I could understand without feeling like it was bullsh1t excuses, but some real damage she had inside. That took almost a year and half alone. Once identified, it's more seeing how they change and being to morph... the lessons that haunt them so you feel that remorse. She's still continuing to change, but there is progress still. So just a head's up that you shouldn't expect 6 months and all is great again.... years and years. No idea if you are up for that or masochistic enough like I am.


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Hemingway, how did you "trick her" into confessing the other two affairs ?


I became super nice to her. I told her I wanted her to come completely clean for us to move forward. Of course she trickle truthed. Then I started digging further and found more details about her latest affair. She had to accept as I had proof. 

This made me wonder about our earlier life, and I thought about the times when she acted weired. For example, one time she went to visit her mother in another city and suddenly she calls me and tells me she met a male friend from earlier company and they went for a coffee and he droped her back at her mom's place. We had a big fight overe that, but I kind of moved on. Another time, she got a collegue to our apartment, apparently to show him the place, while I was at work. Luckily my brother was there and she had to tell me about it. We fought about that as well, but at that time, infidelity was not in my radar, nor did I think she will ever cheat on me. I thoughtnshe had some boundary issues. But cheating was not something I ever entertained in my mind. She always denied there was anything more than friendship and accused me of being generally an ass****.

But now I know what she could do. So I bluffed and told her I have hired a PD to verify her past call details and other activities in the earlier days of our marriage. I said if I come to know anything from PD that she hasn't told me, we are done. And I vaugly mentioned something about the above incidents. So yeah, with a bit of bluffing and threats of divorce, she came out after three months.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

So, really, you have no clue how many men or how many times. Both times, someone saw her and she had to inform you. She gave you explanations based on what you provided her. If there is a next time do not feed her information.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So all that she confessed is stuff she suspects that you might find out about. 

Polygraph.

She was probably a serial cheater and there might be a lot more men. She took two months for the confession. Looks she she took time to think over which stuff to tell you and the details.


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

As part of her coming clean, i asked her to write a timeline about her affairs and any other infractions. Yes, she had major boundarynissues and kinda wandering eye. Fantasized about a lot of guys. She confessed all those. She even wrote about her boyfriends before me. As well as her abuse by cousin and brother. Somshe had opened up with me a lot more than I could probably have known anyway.

That said, she could still be hiding stuff. I totally understand that. 

One week into the DDay, I asked her to do Polygraph and she went bonkers then. Really lashed out at me. I knew something was not right right there. But eventually she came around after coming clean and was willing to go for poly as well. By the time, i had also lost any interest. Why waste further money. I already know more than I ever wanted to know. We were already doomed in my mind. I was all set to leave her, but for our kid. I just couldn't get around that.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm getting the strong sense from what you've written Hemmingway that you have fallen out of love with her. 

You are lucky in that your daughter is a little older. 

If you can sort out the custody your daughter will be absolutely fine because she has a Dad who loves her so much that he's willing to stay with his cheating wife to be near her. 

Your daughter and custody - I understand completely. Have you talked to a lawyer to see if you could get 50% custody or how it would go down for you? 
Do it ASAP. 
As Ernest Hemmingway said, _“Never confuse movement with action.” _


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

********** said:


> I'm getting the strong sense from what you've written Hemmingway that you have fallen out of love with her.
> 
> You are lucky in that your daughter is a little older.
> 
> ...


You are so right, I have fallen out of love with her on DDay2.

Yes, i checked and the chances of getting 50% physical custody is almost zero for me. That is how the system work here. Even if I get 50%, I would worry about the safety of my daughter because my wife will take her back to her dysfunctional family (her Father had infidelity and sepeated, later commited suicide). That means my daughter will be in the vicinity of my wifes brother, who molested my wife. So lot of complications that I have to work around before I can take a firm step.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hemingway said:


> You are so right, I have fallen out of love with her on DDay2.
> 
> Yes, i checked and the chances of getting 50% physical custody is almost zero for me. That is how the system work here. Even if I get 50%, I would worry about the safety of my daughter because my wife will take her back to her dysfunctional family (her Father had infidelity and sepeated, later commited suicide). That means my daughter will be in the vicinity of my wifes brother, who molested my wife. So lot of complications that I have to work around before I can take a firm step.


Where is 'here' Hemingway? Where do you live / nation?

I would have thought if you have good evidence of everything you claim, you would have a very good chance to argue a good case about some kind of strong custody order

Good lawyer required I think.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Just noticed Hem in your profile your wife is BPD. This would explain a lot for those of us who have experienced this. How severe is she?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hemingway said:


> You are so right, I have fallen out of love with her on DDay2.
> 
> Yes, i checked and the chances of getting 50% physical custody is almost zero for me. That is how the system work here. Even if I get 50%, I would worry about the safety of my daughter because my wife will take her back to her dysfunctional family (her Father had infidelity and sepeated, later commited suicide). That means my daughter will be in the vicinity of my wifes brother, who molested my wife. So lot of complications that I have to work around before I can take a firm step.


What LAWYER did this checking? Did you give him all of the information including the abuse allegation? Go talk to a lawyer and give him the timeline or call the cops yourself.


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Just noticed Hem in your profile your wife is BPD. This would explain a lot for those of us who have experienced this. How severe is she?


I wish I knew about BPD 12 years ago, I just figured it out two weeks back!

How severe she is, all relative now. Last three years, she has mellowed down a lot. Or maybe I wont have any of her nonsense anymore, so her craziness has come down. I do not put up with tantrums either. I was willing to walk out when she tried.

But before DDay it was a different story altogether. Severe anger issues. She would rage about the silliest of things. No control of emotions. She did get physical with me at times when the rage was out of control. But when she was good she was great. But she was overly possessive and killed almost all my social life. Cried, and Guilt tripped me to stop going out with my friends. She hardly had any real friends.

My life was revolving entirely around her after marriage. But even then she accused me of not being there for her, not being romantic, etc. My only vice after marriage was reading books, but she found problems with that as well. So I even stopped that for a while just to avoid her sarcasm about me living life based on books!

Worst of all she accused me of having affairs. *Affairs with neighbours, colleagues, friends. Most of the times these accusations were also followed by big fights. Being naive initially I thought she was being possessive about me and tried to reduce my interactions with other women to the absolute minimum. But there was no way i could change what she thought of me. Now she says she always thought I will leave her and go.

What affected me deeply was her rage in public. We used to work in the same office one time and she accused me of affair with one of my team members with whom she did not get along well. She would storm into my cabin and give me hell. Being the private person I am, it totally embarassed me and made me lose a lot of good will. I was kind of being made a laughing stock in my office. Of course, I never knew at that time that my wife had her affairs alrady in her earlier office and hence all her problems.

So yeah she did everything to keep me under her wraps, but also did everything to drive me crazy and away. I was really walking on eggshells. I know, I was also deep into this dysfunctional dance enabling her. I was her enabler. I am trying to wean myself off.


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> What LAWYER did this checking? Did you give him all of the information including the abuse allegation? Go talk to a lawyer and give him the timeline or call the cops yourself.


These abuse allegations are not something I can bring out, because there is no guaruntee my wife will stick to it. Calling cops etc., wont do much. Let me just say, system here automatically assumes the women as victim. The society here will say if my wife had an affair, that is because I was lacking in some department. Implying I was not secually competent. The moment I brong out the infidelity issue to get divorce, it will be out in public sphere eventually, which would affect my daughter very badly. She would be teased and humiliated about her mother. I have seen it happen to one of my friends family and his boy commited suicide.

Let me just say, I live in somewhere Very conservative, but still corruption is a way of life!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Hemingway said:


> (Edited)
> One week into the DDay, I asked her to do Polygraph and she went bonkers then. Really lashed out at me. I knew something was not right right there. But eventually she came around after coming clean and was willing to go for poly as well. By the time, i had also lost any interest. Why waste further money. I already know more than I ever wanted to know. We were already doomed in my mind. I was all set to leave her, but for our kid. I just couldn't get around that.


You said it right there. You don't want to know. If you demanded a poly(and you won't), she would never take one. She wouldn't even pass one question...

She's a serial cheater. She's had many more OM's then the few she's let on about(because you let her know what you knew).

At first I thought you might have been a "troll", so I didn't post. Then, I finally realized that you're just SO beta and out of touch with what's going on in the real world, you can't, or won't, comprehend the enormity of what your WS continued to do through your whole relationship(from what I can tell). The lies, the MULTIPLE affair partners and the years of betrayals. 

I'm sorry for you OP, I really do feel bad for you. I realize what's happening and where this will all lead you to in the end(even if you don't, or won't). Just cut to the chase and file D.

Just remember, there are far worse things in life than being alone for a little while. You may even end up with a women that'll love you back.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hemingway said:


> These abuse allegations are not something I can bring out, because there is no guaruntee my wife will stick to it. Calling cops etc., wont do much. Let me just say, system here automatically assumes the women as victim. The society here will say if my wife had an affair, that is because I was lacking in some department. Implying I was not secually competent. The moment I brong out the infidelity issue to get divorce, it will be out in public sphere eventually, which would affect my daughter very badly. She would be teased and humiliated about her mother. I have seen it happen to one of my friends family and his boy commited suicide.
> 
> Let me just say, I live in somewhere Very conservative, but still corruption is a way of life!


Can you get a divorce without bringing up the infidelity ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hemingway said:


> I wish I knew about BPD 12 years ago, I just figured it out two weeks back!
> 
> How severe she is, all relative now. Last three years, she has mellowed down a lot. Or maybe I wont have any of her nonsense anymore, so her craziness has come down. I do not put up with tantrums either. I was willing to walk out when she tried.
> 
> ...


What a sad and miserable person...


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> You said it right there. You don't want to know. If you demanded a poly(and you won't), she would never take one. She wouldn't even pass one question...
> 
> She's a serial cheater. She's had many more OM's then the few she's let on about(because you let her know what you knew).
> 
> ...


Groundhoper, I totally agree with you about me turning beta. Even a case of severe oneitis. My current separation is to work on myself. Even then, I realized she has been trying to influence me. So since last three days, I have limited all communications to email only mode!


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Can you get a divorce without bringing up the infidelity ?


If we file tigether, mutual consent divorce, yes in one year. Else it is a minimum 5 years in the family court. Then it could contested all the way up for as long she want. Of course she dont want divorce and does not agree for a mutual one.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Selfish to the end huh ? So you are basically her prisoner ?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Even if you are bound to being married to her for awhile, you certainly don't have to be around her. Given what I've read here, why don't you just set her up in her own apartment? And if she doesn't go, just leave yourself. Otherwise, your life will just continue to be miserable.

Look, we only get to live once in this world. You really should focus on making it the best you can. Life is so much better than this for most people. Get out at all costs.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Hemingway said:


> You are so right, I have fallen out of love with her on DDay2.
> 
> Yes, i checked and the chances of getting 50% physical custody is almost zero for me. That is how the system work here. Even if I get 50%, I would worry about the safety of my daughter because my wife will take her back to her dysfunctional family (her Father had infidelity and sepeated, later commited suicide). That means my daughter will be in the vicinity of my wifes brother, who molested my wife. So lot of complications that I have to work around before I can take a firm step.


Trickle truth strikes again. It's like the kiss of death!

I feel you are trapped Hemmingway and I totally understand how horrible it would be for you if WS got custody of your daughter, not to mention your daughter's proximity to your wife's brother. OMG you almost can't take that chance. Pedophiles, if he is one, are VERY clever and determined. And you can't use it unless there was a court case which I assume there wasn't. 

So what to do? Live VERY VERY separately under the one roof. But crank it up. . . 

Do you have a spare bedroom/garage you could convert into a studio or some such which could be your space where you have a sofa bed, TV etc, even a toaster and coffee pot for breakfast and a mini fridge? 
Here you could 
- help your daughter with homework, 
- watch TV and play games with her (old-fashioned Scrabble if you are a bookworm, even modern kids love it!) 

At weekends you could take your daughter to the park, cycling, outings, shopping etc without WS on BOTH Sat and Sun.

- You could join a book club to go to once a week - it really helps having social contact with 'normal' people. 
- Another night you could join male friends for a game of squash, join a basketball team etc and go with them for a beer afterwards. 
- Catch up with other friends you haven't seen in a long time as she discouraged it. Now is the time. 
- Go visit your family another evening. 
Kinda like 50% custody, you have your daughter 3 or 4 nights, then she does.

Just separate from her physically and emotionally to the MAX. Do NOT discuss anything about your relationship with her and refuse to if she brings it up. 

My sense is that after a few months of this, she might well start thinking of divorce and agree to 50% custody. Or she might go back to OM or find a new one. Heck she might even move in with one which frankly would be ideal. 

BTW how is her mothering? Is she socialising alone? Any chance she's carrying on with a man at her work as she was prone to in the past?

Just some thoughts because you don't have many options right now IMO because of the circumstances surrounding your daughter and custody and WS's brother. 

With this 180 if WS changes her ways because she might, be VERY VERY careful about considering R.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Hemingway said:


> Groundhoper, I totally agree with you about me turning beta. Even a case of severe oneitis. My current separation is to work on myself. Even then, I realized she has been trying to influence me. So since last three days, I have limited all communications to email only mode!


Good. I'm glad to read this.

I get myself worked up when I read things like what was in some of your earlier posts and it really starts to get to me.

You really need to start putting yourself first from here on out. This is all about you now. I'd start by doing some of the things that you like to do, but stopped due to your WS.

You your own man. You answer to you and YOU only.

I really hope you can start detaching hard and fast. It's difficult at first, but you have to stay disciplined. When ever she texts, or calls, only respond if you have to. If she asks how you're doing, tell her great! Nothing more. No niceties , no chit chat.

She's not the women that you thought she was. You however will start being the man that you always knew you were. Stand in no one else's shadow. Don't make the same mistake that I made at first. No matter what I did, my ex-wife was never coming back. When she first heard about me dating other women, she actually gave me sh!t because we weren't divorced yet! I reminded her that she'd been fvcking her boyfriend behind my back for a year. I also told her, "Remember the last time we had sex? I was with Angel the night before and Renee the night after, take care." and hung up. She never brought up other women to me again.

Don't ever play her game, 'cause you'll always loose.

Man, I'm wound up now. I really do hope things start working out for you. Stay frosty.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Stay frosty.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I agree Mr Snowman (not Mr Hemmingway). No melting. . . OK?


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Good. I'm glad to read this.
> 
> 
> Don't ever play her game, 'cause you'll always loose.


That sums up everything I need.


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