# She never initiates sex



## raul17 (Jan 15, 2014)

I would like to know if others have this problem . ln a ten year long relationship ,she has never ,not once initiated sex . So lts always up to me and if l dont do it , nothing happens ..for days , weeks , l think we went without sex once for 2 months . When asked ,she says she is shy but come on , after 10 years ? She enjoys it and hardly ever rejects me . l have told her she need to take part its not a one man show , she doesnt even participate when we are having sex . she just lies there , and its getting boring to say the least . As a result l am watching more porn which l am not happy with . What can l do to turn this around ? l would appreciate some good advice .


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## raul17 (Jan 15, 2014)

MrAvg . Like l said she enjoys it and hardly ever rejects me , in fact only times she does reject me is during day on weekends when risk of kids coming home is too high .Which is understandable . Rejection is def not the problem . l would never reject her no matter what she would bring to the table , where as l am willing to try most things . She loves sex and l always make sure she comes before l allow myself to ,or simultainiously so thats not a problem either . lts just the non participation on her behalf . Even though l get as much sex as l want its not really what l call sex . lt takes two to tango .


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

I am in the same situation you are so I understand how you feel

sit down and talk to her and let her know how important it is to you that you are pursued. dont nag at her. Will make it worse. 

Have a nice friendly conversation about it. Let her know it makes you feel good about yourself. Just like when you tell her she looks beautiful or sexy or however you show your admiration for her.

Ask her if once every couple or weeks or once a week she could pursue you and see how she feels about it. There is plenty of information she can read.

As far as being scared of rejection let her know that will never be an issue that it is such a turn on for you to have her come after you once in a while it will do nothing but make the relationship better.

IF she is reasonable and open with you and can grasp how important it is she will give this a shot. Be patient and hopefully over a few months she will see your reaction to it and actually enjoy it. She will feel sexier. You guys will be closer.

Good luck and let us know how it works.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

The part about who initiates it first i do not think is a problem, If i am honest.

I have to say when its me and my husband 9 times out of 10 its him who initiates things, I am not shy in the slightest by the way, It just works out that way.

Regarding the second part of your wife just laying there, this would be a problem, as i would feel a little deflated that maybe my husband was not really enjoy doing it, and he was just doing it to please me.

I initiate in other ways tho more, I tell him i love him more, and i want more cuddles than him, sometimes its just the way things go.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

melw74 said:


> The part about who initiates it first i do not think is a problem, If i am honest.
> 
> I have to say when its me and my husband 9 times out of 10 its him who initiates things, I am not shy in the slightest by the way, It just works out that way.
> 
> ...



A lot of us believe that 1 times out of 10 would be great. Once or twice a month. 

Just come home and put on the heels baby...and tell me you want to F my brains out. Seriously. You want to keep a guy interested?? Just do that once a month. You CAN NOT go wrong.

Your right. If she is laying there uninterested that would be a huge red flag for me. That deserves a discussion on its own. "What can I do to make it better for you??"


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If she has never done it, she probably doesn't know what to do, how to go about it. I know you're probably rolling your eyes, but it's true that seducing a man looks very different, to women, than being seduced by a man.

Start off by asking her to be aggressive and initiate sex this Friday night. Give her hints and suggestions about what you would like her to do. If she balks or says she's not sure she can, you need to be honest and tell her that you are beginning to feel like she rejects you because she doesn't show her desire to have sex until you show yours. Tell her how much it would mean to you and then make sure she feels like anything she does in seducing you would be fantastic, IOW, don't set the bar too high.

When it does happen, make certain you are vocal in appreciation during and after. And finally, ensure that she is touched and caressed along the way so that her arousal and climax happens too. (This was the mistake my H made, lying there and not touching me throughout the session, rather turned me off to initiation for a long time!)


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

My wife is sometimes like this. She will usually wait for me to make the first move and believe me my hints are not subtle.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

This:



raul17 said:


> She enjoys it and hardly ever rejects me .


Does not match up with this:



> l have told her she need to take part its not a one man show , she doesnt even participate when we are having sex . she just lies there , and its getting boring to say the least .


A woman who enjoys sex is not just lying there. The behavior above *is *consistent with someone who does not initiate.

So start off by asking her what she wants during sex with you.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

TAG is incorrect. 
Both men and women can is in fact just lay there and enjoy it. 

I choose to be more animated because I like it that way and I am comfortable with my body. 

Anon as always has good advice, 
Girls seem to be taught strange things like they are not supposed to initiate. 

You initiate but teach her how to be more assertive over a long period of time. Go slow, baby steps. You initiate but ask her to respond by saying something like "I was just thinking about how much I want you" Make it fun and praise her when she tries. 

She may never get past the just lying there part. When we first started my wife would not touch me first she would always wait for me to touch her after maybe 10 years or so she got over that.

So do not get your expectations up too much. 

The best thing I did is except that it is OK for me to always lead and her quirks are not a reflection of my attractiveness.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

This must be more complex than meets the eye. I have never rejected my wife and have told her I never would. Still, she is not able to make the first...discernible move.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

usmarriedguy said:


> TAG is incorrect.
> Both men and women can is in fact just lay there and enjoy it.


Sure, but that is the exception that proves the rule. Very few just lay there and don't participate when they like sex. So I think finding out what she really wants is more likely to get him there.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cre8ify said:


> This must be more complex than meets the eye. I have never rejected my wife and have told her I never would. Still, she is not able to make the first...*discernible move.*


Key word there....

Women! So damn difficult for men to decode.

Has she ever been a tad more affectionate than normal? That was an initiation.

Has she ever made your favorite foods for some flimsy reason or none at all? That was her initiation.

Has she ever had the bedroom completely and totally spotless, clean sheets and smelling fresh? That was her initiation.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> This:
> 
> 
> Does not match up with this:
> ...



Agree. I’d recommend slowly and subtly encouraging her to be more “in charge”. She may never be an initiator, but not being an active participant . . . well that suggests its more of a “take it or leave it” proposition in her book – not distasteful or painful but not something particularly enjoyable either. So you’ve got that going for you at least.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Figured someone would catch that word AP. WTF? Clean sheets...really? I'd more likely pick up on "washing the sheets tomorrow...wink, wink".

So I can grow as a person today any thoughts on this question if you please? The many times she has done those subtle things and I didn't pick up on them did she feel rejected?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I hope she brings some other positives to the relationship, since good sex isn't one of them. Heck, you could replace her with a blow-up doll and hardly know the difference.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Cre8ify said:


> So I can grow as a person today any thoughts on this question if you please? The many times she has done those subtle things and I didn't pick up on them did she feel rejected?


I think it was a bit of a metaphor or exaggeration, every time a woman does those things it is not initiating sex.

I am not sure that is their thought process. 
In other words -I am going to clean the sheets to initiate sex.

More like: I am going to clean the sheets to make him happy. And that can be her showing love as much as just doing it for her.

But more importantly than what she is thinking is that if the guy will incorporate that idea into his thinking it will help him see other things she does as showing desire and not just initiating sex which some women have trouble with but does not necessarily mean that they do not desire their man. 

In other words -Yes, in a perfect and mutual relationship both parties need to feel sexually desired. But in the absence of perfection as in this case the guy needs to adjust and help his partner along if he wants to make it work. 

In this case she is not denying sex: 
"She enjoys it and hardly ever rejects me"

She may not be riding him like a cowgirl but she enjoys sex. 

"she says she is shy" 

I believe her. 

Problem is that guys and girls see porn and get all sorts of expectations about what normal sex is. Not every person can meet those expectations.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cre8ify said:


> Figured someone would catch that word AP. WTF? Clean sheets...really? I'd more likely pick up on "washing the sheets tomorrow...wink, wink".
> 
> So I can grow as a person today any thoughts on this question if you please? The many times she has done those subtle things and I didn't pick up on them did she feel rejected?


Yes.


Sorry.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Women are such an enigma. I love everything about them and this kind of stuff has to be the reason why. Thanks for the honesty...and sympathy.

New actions plans in development.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Cre8ify said:


> Women are such an enigma. I love everything about them and this kind of stuff has to be the reason why. Thanks for the honesty...and sympathy.
> 
> New actions plans in development.


So one thing that worked for me was noting the type of behaviors she exhibited either after I have initiated and she has accepted or right after sex, and seeing when she exhibited those behaviors during other times. For example, my wife loves to play footsie as things get heated up or right after we are done. So when she starts that when we are hanging out on the couch, I have learned that she is initiating.

Another is how playful she is when I flirt with her. She almost always responds well, but when she is more aggressive with it (pinching me when we pass in the kitchen or rubbing against me), she is telling me what she wants to do later that night.

I find it helps me to think about it as more of an invitation than initiating.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> This:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This is what you call listening to actions and ignoring words.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> I find it helps me to think about it as more of an invitation than initiating


Thanks TAG. That's some news I can use.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Bloody hell! Tell her relationships are a two way street. She has to do her part too. Everyone wants to feel desired by their spouse, to be wanted.

When I want my husband I tell him in no uncertain terms. Yes, I know not everyone is like this - but c'mon you have to do your part in a relationship.

Are you the giver in your relationship? Do you do more in terms of the marriage overall? Do you have children together?


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

raul17 said:


> She enjoys it and hardly ever rejects me...she doesnt even participate when we are having sex . she just lies there , and its getting boring to say the least.


What you've written confuses me a bit...

If she enjoys it, what feedback are your receiving from her to make you think that if she does not participate and looks bored?

My wife rarely initiates, but she used to way back in our 25 year relationship...Since I started discussing openly with her my feelings about sex, she's initiated in HER way a few times a month...that's from zero times per month to a few, pretty remarkable.

Women, especially after being married for a while, tend not to initiate in the same manner than men initiate. And Men, generally, take that as rejection. Personally, I blame porn for our attitudes...but my W will do little things throughout the day to give me hints that she's wanting it. It's much more passive, but is there none the less. Heck, I'm a man, and I'm supposed to be the aggressor, and my W, not unlike most other women, respond to Alpha male traits. And waiting for the W to initiate in the way we do is a fool's errand...

But your W's seeming lack of attention to sex is troublesome to me. Time for a difficult discussion on expectations of intimacy. It'll likely run deeper than you just wanting more sex from her, and, if she's honest with you, it's gonna sting a bit.


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## Jdy (May 19, 2014)

Well I'm in your same boat but worse, tell her exactly how it makes you feel by her actions. I hope you have better luck than I, pretty sure my marriage is over. Here's a brief of mine:
Been married for almost 22 years, she just lies there during sex as well. She says it's cause me on top feels better to her, she has never initiated sex. I have always performed oral on her almost every time we've done it, I enjoy pleasing. Our first year she would do it sometimes, when it started tapering off or when she did do it seemed obligatory and she'd ask is that good when she just wanted to stop and me get on top and finish. She complained once it's because I always want it and she'll do it when she wants...four years after no oral from her and she responded blankly. I've always been the affectionate one and we've talked countless times about that, it gets better for maybe a week then back to normal. We've gone to counseling but it didn't help. She's just extremely lazy I guess, like sex is something that needs to be done but not really enjoyed. Yes she orgasms at least twice, I asked her if she was just faking hoping at least I'd have a tangible idea of why but nope. I always have to initiate "talking" to. We've sent at least $30k to her family over our marriage for various reasons, she's leaving next month with a $5k cost, any money she now uses for her family I'm taking out equal shares until savings is gone. I'm a retired E-7 so not rich by any means, my retirement and my disability from MS I still make more than her.

So, unless you can get counseling now to make things better I suggest calling it quits unless you have kids, then it's another ball game. Good luck to you and I truly hope you two can get on the same page.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

raul17 said:


> I would like to know if others have this problem . ln a ten year long relationship ,she has never ,not once initiated sex . So lts always up to me and if l dont do it , nothing happens ..for days , weeks , l think we went without sex once for 2 months . When asked ,she says she is shy but come on , after 10 years ? She enjoys it and hardly ever rejects me . l have told her she need to take part its not a one man show , she doesnt even participate when we are having sex . she just lies there , and its getting boring to say the least . As a result l am watching more porn which l am not happy with . What can l do to turn this around ? l would appreciate some good advice .


Dude you are lucky you do not get rejected. That is a more frustrating problem.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Same situation as OP. She has initiated maximum 3times in 15 years. Talking makes it worse. Not talking changes nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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