# Custody and the child's well being



## Seuferwoman (Jun 8, 2014)

So my husband and I just split. He is looking for his own place but currently doesn't live somewhere that he can take our son. I know he will eventually have a place of his own and want to set up some sort of custody arrangement. I have been a stay at home mom since our son was born and he is now 2.5 years old. 

My question is what kind of custody arrangements have you made with your young children, and how did it affect them?
I have read about the 2-2-3 schedule and stbxh has suggested a 3-4 schedule with alternating the 4. I am really trying to think of what is best for our son and don't want my current emotions to play a role in how we chose custody.

My parents were divorced before I was two and their arrangement was alternate weekends. While this is what I knew and was thinking it would be (just from my experiences), I want what is best for my son. I want him to have a healthy relationship with his father, but as you can imagine the stay at home mom in me doesn't want to not have him for days at a time. 

Please tell me some of your positive and negative experiences with custody arrangements. And how they seemed to affect your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Stability is key. It seems like one home or the other needs to be more than 50%.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It varies with the kids and the parents.
It pays to be open about what constitutes a place where a parent can have a child. Kids are really flexible, it just needs to be safe and clean. 
What really helps is when there is lack of stress and conflict, and good communication. Lacking that, structure does help.
You can adapt like your child will have to and set a good example. You can use the time when he is away with his other parent (and later on at school or other activities he might need: sports, camps, sleepovers at friends' homes, extended vacations with his other parent) to either get employment (you might like having extra money to help with your stay home experience - I work from home and I know I LOVE working because the more income I have the more I can do with and for my kids, and myself!) or to spend time with yourself, as you know being a stay-home mom isn't 100% of anyone's identity, if it is it's not a good plan, because, well, kids grow up. And there was a you before kids, and your kids really need to know that person, not just 'Mum'. 

My kids are absolutely fascinated and intrigued by the life I lead when I am not being their Mum, they can clearly see that when they grow up there are options for them in addition to Mom & Pop roles.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fewer changes of household is better than more.

So 3-4 is better than 2-2-3. Think of how you would feel if you had to be in a different house every couple of days. It’s got to be hard on the kids.

I like 50/50 because it gives the children max time with each parent. Note that what is most important is that the children have equal access. Parents take a back seat in this.

With school, where each parent lives, etc, sometimes 50/50 is not really possible. 3-4 might not work if one of you lives out of your son’s school district. Best thing for your child would be if the two of you lived a few blocks from each other so that your child can move back and forth more easily. 

We had a list of every holiday. Split them so that each one of us got half the holidays/breaks/birthdays/etc in a year. The it rotated so that the next year the holidays were swapped. 

Split holidays.. 5 days before and the morning of Xmas. The other parent’s time starts at noon on XMAS and the 5 days after. Come up with a holiday schedule like that and the rotate it ever year. 

During the summer we each got 2, 2 week vacations but they could not be consecutive as the child should not go more than 2 weeks of not seeing the other parent.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

What are your work schedules? If you are at home it makes no sense to have a 50/50 split and have kids need child care while with dad so dad can work and just say he has 50 percent custody. And while your child is still young, the weekends don't really matter, but once they hit school age, weekends are precious time. Don't follow the new hype - take in to account your situation and plan from there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> What are your work schedules? If you are at home it makes no sense to have a 50/50 split and have kids need child care while with dad so dad can work and just say he has 50 percent custody. And while your child is still young, the weekends don't really matter, but once they hit school age, weekends are precious time. Don't follow the new hype - take in to account your situation and plan from there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OP has to get a job since she is getting a divorce. So she will not be available all the time to be a SAHM.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> The OP has to get a job since she is getting a divorce. So she will not be available all the time to be a SAHM.


I don't see where she states that she will be working. There are other income options like running home day care, living with parents etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

golfergirl said:


> What are your work schedules? If you are at home it makes no sense to have a 50/50 split and have kids need child care while with dad so dad can work and just say he has 50 percent custody. And while your child is still young, the weekends don't really matter, but once they hit school age, weekends are precious time. Don't follow the new hype - take in to account your situation and plan from there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In that situation the OP could have their son during the day and dad could pick him up after work. Maybe not ideal for the parents, but this boy is only 2.5 years old.

You might need to try a couple of options before you find one that works best for him. Because he's so little, more than a couple of days without seeing either parent may be too much for him.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm going to disagree here. 

There is lots of evidence that 50/50 works really well with older children. 

And if you have been the main giver for your child to suddenly be away from you 50% of the time is not optimal. However you could work slowly towards 5o/ 50 as your child gets older, if you are all happy with that. 

Children do do better if they have great opportunity of access to the other parent though, so they should be included in the child's life as much as possible.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Just be sure that both of you keep your little boy's welfare and HIS right to spend as much time as possible with both of you at the forefront of all your decisions and you'll be fine.

It's when parents focus on their rights to the child that things go pear shaped. The fact that either you or his dad will miss him when he's with the other parent doesn't matter. He didn't ask for this to happen, and his best interests need to come before either parents rights.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Couple of important thing need to be mentioned. 
First is that both parents must be mature enough to put the problems they share with each other aside and not involve the kid in the middle. That means not using the kid as a weapon or bargaining chip. 

Second. Keep the same rules. Once again both parents have to be mature enough to agree to this. It's your kid that gets screwed up by two different sets of rules.

Third. Never talk nasty about you ex. Remember it's the kids mom or dad your talking about.

When it comes to the division of time, to keep peace, the make it fair and remember that the kid wants to see the other parent and if Mom or Dad keeps the kid from having time with the other parent, it will come back and haunt you.

I have two daughters from two marriages and the first divorce was a disaster because my kid was used as a weapon and a bargaining chip and I went to extremes to see her and got into a tug of war with my ex, and the kid was in the middle and it turned out in later years to be a disaster.

I didn't make that same mistake with my second kid and it was because both my ex and I saw what happened with my oldest one and didn't want the same thing to happen again.

So my advice is both parents act like adults, and think of the kid rather than your vendettas and do the right thing. It's only the kids life that's at stake here.


----------



## Seuferwoman (Jun 8, 2014)

Thank you all for your advice. I am doing my best to keep my sons interests at heart, no matter how much I'm hurting. He is my number one priority. 

Like I said in my original post I am a child of divorce, and I remember being used as a bargaining chip, having one parent talk poorly (even to this day) about the other one, and many of the other no no's of divorce. I DON'T want that for my son. I want him to have a real relationship with both parents, but at the same time I don't want his long term well being to be affected by not having stability. I am trying very hard to make every opportunity for his father to be able to visit him and spend time with him, even during this very emotional time. 

Even offering to leave the house so he can come stay the night until he gets a place of his own. I try to create time for him to FaceTime our son when he can't be here, and change my plans for the day so he can get him. My ex has a very complicated schedule for work and sometimes his days at work change even hours before he should be there. As hard as it is for me to still revolve my life around my ex, I know it is the best thing for our son. 

One poster has asked about my future job situation. I recently returned to school as a full time student, and am now also looking to pick up some part time work to become self sufficient. So things are changing in our sons life quite quickly. I want to make this transition easier on him and have been building up from part time student to full time in the fall. Unfortunately during this previous transition my ex and I have split and are not looking at any reconciliation. 

My main questions here are about different custody arrangements and how they worked for your children. Also did you have small children at the time and how did the different arrangements you tried affect them. Dad will be living an hour away and in a different state. I will be staying in our family home as to not disrupt the stability our son has known since birth. Plus my family lives in the area and he sees them regularly here.

Thank you for your input and advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hm. If father is an hour away, it may make more sense for him to have the weekends. You'll need daycare or your family to help while you are in school. Once your son goes to school, dad being an hour away just won't work very well. 

Normally I'd say 50/50 with the 4/3 3/4 split makes the most sense because it does give continuity to the child to not bounce around as much. What are you child care plans for both of you? Is there a daycare in the middle? Keep in mind if you do have to use daycare, it's nice to have one that is close to his home school because he'll get to know the other kids and he'll be going to pre-K and kindergarten with some of the same kids which is very reassuring.

Aside from the obvious and great advice here, I'd remind you to think of how this works now as well as in the future. 2 years will be gone before you know it. Also, you may agree to face time but eventually there will be times you aren't able to do that. A good night call can be great for small children but the face on the screen can be upsetting if they want that parent. Sometimes it makes the separation of households much more pronounced. Play that by ear.

The best way to ease transitions is to talk to your son. Tell him before bed that tomorrow he'll see Daddy. Then in the morning ask him if he's looking forward to seeing Daddy. When you drop him off at daycare, etc. remind him Daddy will pick him up. The fewer surprises, the easier.

Also, select a "transition" activity. Kids can adapt to two households and two sets of rules, even. But making that transition can often take a couple hours, or sometimes even a day. I found it helpful to choose an activity that was stress relieving and helpful for the child to convert. Do it within your normal schedule. It can be watching a favorite movie or show as soon as you get home, or stopping at the park every time (or an indoor play area if it rains), or always playing a game the night he comes back. Something that begins to signify "Mom's home". And this evolves with age.

Try to avoid things like asking him to pick up his toys right away, or taking a phone call as soon as you walk in the door. You want something that is stress free and quality time for the two of you before you have to make him brush his teeth or get him to cooperate. Sometimes the stress will make kids act out so if you can avoid those things for the first hour or two it will help tremendously.


----------



## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

At an earlier age like this, 2-2-3 is usually the better option. That relies on proximity though. 

Something I've recently gone through also, is that as my daughter got into high school our 50/50 week on/week off became non-functional because of the distance her mother moved from the marital home. This impacted our daughter's schoolwork and ability to work. The best year we had was a couple years ago when our daughter was with me primarily and her mother every other weekend. That's at an older age though.


----------

