# How do you survive



## El123407 (Jul 26, 2020)

The question is simple - how do you survive going through separation/divorce? I understand the ways of coping and surviving are different for everyone, but I guess I’m just looking for an advice and a hope that it will pass one day. 
My husband and I are separated since March, and although it’s not an official (legal) separation yet, I don’t think we will back together at this point. 
Surprisingly I was doing relatively fine since March up until now. I don’t know why - maybe it was a denial, maybe i was too busy at work, not sure.
But now all the feelings are coming like a flood and I’m a mess. I don’t know how to deal with it to be honest.
I feel like I’ve lost everything. I’ve lost my best friend and partner who I thought loved me and understood me better than anyone else. I’ve lost a chance to have a family and have kids. I’ve lost our mutual friends and his family members. 
I am grieving my marriage and the life I had. Every single thing at home reminds me of us, looking at our old photos makes me physically ill and hurt..I feel like I will never be happy again. 

Since I’ve lost our old circle of mutual friends I was trying to find some new friends and new things to do to distract myself, but I feel like everything is useless. I don’t enjoy things. I signed up for some meetup events around the city but eventually skipped almost every one of them. Meeting new people was always difficult for me, but now it’s a whole new level - I can’t bring myself to be around new people, to explain things and see people’s pity and awkwardness on the subject if the fact that I’m separated is revealed. 

I can’t sleep/stay asleep without sleeping aid, and in the morning I have to force myself to get out of bed for work. At work I can’t focus or concentrate on anything and I have called sick multiple times in the past two weeks. I don’t have motivation or desire to do anything, like everything is pointless, because no matter how hard you work you’re still the one left behind in the end...

I am so ashamed of being such a wreck and losing control of my life but I don’t know what could be possibly done to having my life back and to feel normal again.


----------



## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

It is a very difficult road for sure and I'm sorry you're going through it. I posted the Seven Stages of Divorce in another thread. Would encourage you to look it up since what you are feeling and going through is perfectly normal. It does get better, and IMO, you can also do some things to speed up the process. 

First and foremost, pack away photos and anything else at home that reminds you of him. Difficult I know, but it will help so much. And resist the urge to look at old photo albums or photos on your phone. There will be a time for that, but not now. I sometimes find myself looking through old memories on FB of my STBX and me and it makes me really depressed.

Second, take up a hobby or get back to spending time doing something you love. It could be exercising, reading some books you';ve been wanting to, watching a series on Netflix, going to church, etc. Meeting up with new groups like you mentioned is good too, just don't start dating yet since you're not ready. And 50% of all marriages end in divorce. So there is no stigma attached to "separated". If others have a problem with it, that's their problem. Also make sure you're eating right. 

Third, are you going to counseling? For me, it really helps to have someone that will just listen. DivorceCare is also a great group that helped me a lot. Talking about all of this will help you process it and feel soooo much better. Also this board is a great place.

Things may look bad now, but they will get better. Trust me.


----------



## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Many of us have been in your shoes. I had all of the feelings that you describe.

I attended individual counseling sessions for a while. It helped to get my thoughts out as well as my councilor helped me with my self-esteem issues. 
I am now fully divorced and getting close to two years since the initial separation, and in a new great relationship after feeling like I would never find anyone that could understand me.

I hope you get through this. There is good life after divorce.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The numb has worn off, the pain has settled in.

You are at that grieving point, it can lasts months, but not forever.

Something, someone in life will turn you away, distract you from all those memories. They will, in time, be replaced by new ones, not necessarily better memories, but, new memories, and new adventures.

With them, adequately covering over the old.

Be patient, not the patient, while going through this.

Be as active as you can.

Sitting around idle, makes that grief, chokingly worse.


Best wishes...


_Gwen-_


----------



## Mobbit123 (Aug 24, 2020)

Make sure you clear the house of photos etc. I got my ex to do it but if you have to then it may be 30 mins of pain and upset but that's better than facing those photos every day...
Staying in the house is really hard and there are memories in every corner. That won't go away quickly unfortunately but remember the good times and memories as well as the challenging ones. I see both but the focus has to be on the good memories you banked, otherwise it will really get you down.

And I suffered (and still badly suffer) from a sense of shame. Why me? Others' relationships are far worse, they always argue etc and we didn't. I'm still very reticent about people knowing because of my shame but it is worth focusing on the stats (unfortunately they point to a lot of divorce!!) but also think about what you would say to a friend on this scenario. You would comment on how sorry you are t hear their news, you would comfort them but you wouldn't think less of them because they were going through a divorce. Regardless of the D-word, relationships fail a lot of the time and anyone who hasn't had a relationship breakup at some point is very lucky indeed!!!

It's not easy at all but it does get better - slowly, and not always in a linear way. Going forward one step and back two at some point will be inevitable. This is an emotional journey, not a science.

Take care of yourself


----------



## El123407 (Jul 26, 2020)

Dadto2 said:


> It is a very difficult road for sure and I'm sorry you're going through it. I posted the Seven Stages of Divorce in another thread. Would encourage you to look it up since what you are feeling and going through is perfectly normal. It does get better, and IMO, you can also do some things to speed up the process.


Thank you for your message. I looked at your other post about Seven Stages of divorce and it sort of made sense of the feelings and emotions I am experiencing. 
I thought about packing everything that reminds me of him and of us, but I can't make myself do it. I removed the most obvious things such as photos around the house, but can't move past it. And yeah, FB reminders suck. 
I don't do counseling unfortunately, as I can't really afford it. I was looking into some free options, but all of them have the waiting list of months..



attheend02 said:


> I am now fully divorced and getting close to two years since the initial separation, and in a new great relationship after feeling like I would never find anyone that could understand me.
> I hope you get through this. There is good life after divorce.


Thank you for your kind words. I just want to say that although I don't know you, I am happy for you. Going through this gut-wrenching experience that you would never wish to anybody, I am glad that you were able to find at the end of a tunnel. 



SunCMars said:


> The numb has worn off, the pain has settled in.
> You are at that grieving point, it can lasts months, but not forever.
> Something, someone in life will turn you away, distract you from all those memories. They will, in time, be replaced by new ones, not necessarily better memories, but, new memories, and new adventures.
> With them, adequately covering over the old.
> ...


Gwen, thank you for this. Truly, sincerely thank you for these words. I am so glad I found this platform. It helps to have this support from people I don't even know. But it makes me feel less alone in this. 



Mobbit123 said:


> And I suffered (and still badly suffer) from a sense of shame. Why me? Others' relationships are far worse, they always argue etc and we didn't. I'm still very reticent about people knowing because of my shame but it is worth focusing on the stats (unfortunately they point to a lot of divorce!!) but also think about what you would say to a friend on this scenario. You would comment on how sorry you are t hear their news, you would comfort them but you wouldn't think less of them because they were going through a divorce. Regardless of the D-word, relationships fail a lot of the time and anyone who hasn't had a relationship breakup at some point is very lucky indeed!!!


This... I have this sense of shame, like people around me are having their families and are normal, and I am somehow not normal and didn't manage to save our marriage. And I'm having a hard time to talk about this with people, like they would judge, or feel pity, or feel awkward. But I've never thought of it this way you said it, and you're right. I wouldn't judge or pity my friend going through the same situation. So I guess, I am just overthinking and overcomplicating it and maybe just reflecting my own fears on people's reaction.. Thank you.


----------

