# Rough patch or the end of the road.



## Bgoodman (Mar 29, 2016)

I am my wife's second husband. First marriage ended due to infidelity. I feel like the narrative from the first marriage has not changed.

Things are not good now - no intimacy, no trust and no desire to take any action on her part. I try and have conversations and ask what needs to be changed to fix us - and I get nothing. Will not see a counselor or engage in any therapy.

I feel powerless to affect any change. Anytime there is a fight I am given one direction and that is to go. I don't hear words of encouragement or support , any desire to fix things. Its all "I am to tired to fight" and lets just keep things civil around here.

Lots of factors have influenced the relationship (kids, loss of family, health, money troubles etc) Last thing I want is to break up the family but am feeling very alone in my fight to save the relationship.

How do you get out of the rough patch when your partner has decided to take a seat and is not going to move? Do you stay in the rough or decide to leave?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Assure there is no OM in the picture.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@Bgoodman, you say this is what I need from you in order to stay in this marriage. And proceed to set out whatever changes you want (couples counselling, read x,y,z together, discuss issues instead of running away, x-amount of quality time together etc). You personally decide how long you're going to wait to see concrete changes (6 months, 1-year etc). When that time comes you evaluate the progress and make a decision whether to stay or leave.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

I'm assuming it was her infidelity that ended the first marriage - were you the OM or was it someone else? If it was someone else, is she still in contact with that person?

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Bgoodman said:


> I am my wife's second husband. First marriage ended due to infidelity. I feel like the narrative from the first marriage has not changed.
> 
> Things are not good now - no intimacy, no trust and no desire to take any action on her part. I try and have conversations and ask what needs to be changed to fix us - and I get nothing. Will not see a counselor or engage in any therapy.
> 
> ...


I've had other issues in my marriage but even before those your situation was my situation. My advice is to just back off for a while, do your own thing and don't worry about her. Limit your interaction with her, don't ignore her but don't be the one to initiate things. Go out and do your own thing from time to time without her and without inviting her. She will either come around and want to talk eventually or she won't, but chances are when she sees you're not bother by her and you're happy just being you that she will want to talk.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What are you not telling us? What is the income situation? How much of the total household income are you personally bringing in? Her first marriage ended due to infidelity....who's? Hers or her ex husband's? You're withholding too much information to get useful advise at this point.


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## Bgoodman (Mar 29, 2016)

There is no OM to the best of my knowledge.

First marriage ended due to her ex. But I am hearing things that it was due to the same type of behavior that is being shown now. In my mind its not en excuse but it helps to explain things a little. If you are done with a person - seek a divorce then go find someone else. Don't stay in a marriage and start seeing other people because your wife isn't interested.

She works. I quit working to take care of the kids. Not been an easy giving up so much of my life for the kids, and I don't think its understood.

We make decent money, but spending is out of control - which adds an element of stress.

I had some really tough times before we got married. I had some family issues arise while her and I were apart and it was an emotional time. I didn't try to escape any of the things that happened, but at the same time given all that was going on - I would understand, not accept but maybe understand.


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## Bgoodman (Mar 29, 2016)

I have considered this. But I am already told that I am living my own life, in my own bubble. While this will bring some forms of relief it also will create a fair amount of stress I think.
But there is a side of me that thinks this is where I need to get back to. The guy I was before we were together, on my own but still with her - if that makes sense. Although I hear in arguments now what a crappy person I was while we were dating. So in may respects I feel like either direction is going to have flaws.



AtMyEnd said:


> I've had other issues in my marriage but even before those your situation was my situation. My advice is to just back off for a while, do your own thing and don't worry about her. Limit your interaction with her, don't ignore her but don't be the one to initiate things. Go out and do your own thing from time to time without her and without inviting her. She will either come around and want to talk eventually or she won't, but chances are when she sees you're not bother by her and you're happy just being you that she will want to talk.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Get back to work ASAP.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Bgoodman said:


> I have considered this. But I am already told that I am living my own life, in my own bubble. While this will bring some forms of relief it also will create a fair amount of stress I think.
> But there is a side of me that thinks this is where I need to get back to. The guy I was before we were together, on my own but still with her - if that makes sense. Although I hear in arguments now what a crappy person I was while we were dating. So in may respects I feel like either direction is going to have flaws.


So she thinks you're a crappy person now and that you were a crappy person when you were dating, which crappy person made YOU happier? Get yourself back to you being happy, it doesn't really matter what she thinks at this point.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM honey.

A couple questions.

How old are each of you?
How long have you been married?
How old are the kids?
Are the kids hers, yours, a mix?
What was the basis for the decision for you to leave your work and become a SAHD?
Is her ex still in the life of the kids (if they are his)?
Why is the spending out of control, who is causing that?

Those things will help us to give you better advice.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

SAHD frequently causes problems in the marriage. Women don't like being the breadwinner. That could be a source of problems in your marriage. Going back to work is a good idea from that standpoint. Financially it may not make sense depending on what it would cost to care for the kids. Additionally, going back to work could be a big negative for you in divorce, depending on incomes etc.


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## Bgoodman (Mar 29, 2016)

Late thirties for both of us. Been married for 8 years.Kids are a mix of both marriages, boys an girls ranging from 2 to 19..

She had the better job at the time the younger kids were born.

Ex is still around. Its a decent relationship.

Spending boils down to a simple question that never gets asked. Can we afford it? The answer many times is no so it goes on a credit card.




Spicy said:


> Welcome to TAM honey.
> 
> A couple questions.
> 
> ...


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

geeze......lots of issues here......BUT, we will help you come to some conclusion.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bgoodman said:


> Late thirties for both of us. Been married for 8 years.Kids are a mix of both marriages, boys an girls ranging from 2 to 19..
> 
> She had the better job at the time the younger kids were born.
> 
> ...


*I seriously believe that you are now in the unenviable position of needing to be in consultation with a good family attorney to advise you of both your marital property and custodial rights!

And the sooner you do it, the better!*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Midlife crisis for her.

Her workmates are doing better than her, I suspect. She is comparing others' life styles to her own.

And money issues for sure. She works hard and does not see her situation getting better. 

Are college expenses coming up?

I see a lot of stressors here.

Go back to work. Bring more money into the household.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Get back to work ASAP.


Yes, this. 
She likely has zero respect for you, among other issues.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Get back to work


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Bgoodman said:


> Late thirties for both of us. Been married for 8 years.Kids are a mix of both marriages, boys an girls ranging from 2 to 19..
> 
> She had the better job at the time the younger kids were born.
> 
> ...


Thanks for replying. Geez, you truly have a powder keg of stressors, and a whole pack of lit matches have been dropped from the sounds of it. Although it is completely NOT right, I understand why your wife doesn't have any fight in her, she is completely exhausted. Working probably more than full time to support a large family, plus being mommy when she *is* home, just yikes! That's a lot on a woman shoulders. Being a SAHD, you are probably pretty dang exhausted too, as it is the furthest thing from being easy either. I completely understand and admire one of you staying home. I changed my entire career because I felt it was important for me to be home to raise our babies. It is a big sacrifice. Financially and in other ways. So trust me when I give you props and see the value in what you have done. It's not lost on me at all.

My friend, I must say, not setting a budget and living beyond your means is an epic mistake. That is borrowing trouble, literally, in so many ways. There is stress that arises that is beyond our control, and then stress that is self made. Going into debt is usually a choice, (barring disaster/illness) and one that gets made repeatedly, resulting in a downward cycle of misery. If your are both guilty, then you must sit down, establish a budget, clearly define needs vs wants. Set a budget to do all you can to eliminate debt ASAP. If neither of you can stick to it, seek out the help of a credit counseling company who will help you reduce interest, establish a budget and close a lot of your useless credit. This is a area you can get back under control, and lower the stress. If it is only one of you that is over spending, the same applies, other than if it's your wife doing it, she will likely be very defensive to you bringing it up, but that's too bad, she needs to hear it, or she will bankrupt you. 

In addition, to get yourselves out of this situation, I agree with all the other posters, you should get back to work, even if it means you and your wife work alternating shifts if you want one of you with your kids af all times. That will probably cause more stress and distance on your marriage though. Usual two reasons marriages break up? Sex and money. Both are bad in your marriage. Both can also be fixed. 

We live in a throwaway society. Don't give up on your marriage if it can be saved. It's worth every effort to make it work, whenever possible, and for each of you to hold up your vows.

I sincerely hope you will be able to repair this, and keep your family together. Your wife will have to join the fight to save your marriage, you can't keep it together all by yourself.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Usual two reasons marriages break up? *Sex and money*. Both are bad in your marriage. Both can also be fixed.
> 
> We live in a throwaway society. Don't give up on your marriage if it can be saved.


:smile2::smile2::smile2::smile2:

Two of my favorite things....Sex and Money.....in that order.

"Almost" every other thing that people want to do involves money.

Sex requires money also. Try dating with no money.
Try having sex with zero food in your belly, no clothes on your back, no place to do the loving deed. If not your' money, someone else's.


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## Bgoodman (Mar 29, 2016)

Thank you all for the comments.

One tidbit that has affected my going back to work is that one of the younger kids is special needs. So there has been a reluctance to rely on a daycare for her. As a stay at home parent my social circle is non-existent and I am probably way to focused on the home life. But at the same time I feel a responsibility to my daughter to make sure she has the best possible shot at making it. Who knows maybe I am beyond the point of being effective and its time to let others help with her.

I am also fearful that the trust issues are going to balloon as soon as I am out in the world again. I cannot live my life in a bubble forever so this hurdle needs to be handled.

There are a myriad of other stresses that affect our relationship besides trust and money. Having engaged in a relationship with a powerful independent woman has been great, but at the same time I begin to feel I bring less and less to the relationship. Many days I think she would be happier if I wasn't here. He sole focus is on the kids, which makes it tough for me to matter.


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