# I think I'm gonna throw up...



## 3Xnocharm

I just let the guy I have been dating know that I would like to be exclusive, and am waiting for his reply. Ugh, this sh!t is hard!


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## ThreeStrikes

Curious...has he been dating other women? If so, then I understand your nervousness.

Or has he already been treating your relationship in a monogamous manner?


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## 3Xnocharm

ThreeStrikes said:


> Curious...has he been dating other women? If so, then I understand your nervousness.
> 
> Or has he already been treating your relationship in a monogamous manner?


I have not asked if he is actively dating others. He had me over to his house the other night, and that seemed like it was a big step for him.


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## EnjoliWoman

At least you asked instead of assumed! Crossing fingers for you...


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## 3Xnocharm

Thanks!


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## Clark G

Never easy but from my experience it is good to know earlier on. If that is how you feel there is nothing wrong with that. Hopefully he's man enough to at least communicate with you his thoughts instead of doing nothing.

Good luck.

Joe


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## ThreeStrikes

3x, 

What will you do if he says he wants to remain non-exclusive?


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## 3Xnocharm

ThreeStrikes said:


> 3x,
> 
> What will you do if he says he wants to remain non-exclusive?


I have been asking myself that. I dont think I can continue to see him, because I dont like the thought of him with other people, so that would not be fair to either of us. I never have been good at dating more than one person at a time, so this is normal for me, lol.


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## philglossop

Interesting- guess this could be a US/UK divide?

Only because in the UK, as far as I'm aware, if you see some and then date/ let alone sleep with them, it's a 1 on 1 thing- never heard of this mutual thing?

Can't imagine seeing someone with another "someone" in the background almost trying to win the person concerned?

Still it could be old British "stiff upper lip" I guess!!


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## 3Xnocharm

philglossop said:


> Interesting- guess this could be a US/UK divide?
> 
> Only because in the UK, as far as I'm aware, if you see some and then date/ let alone sleep with them, it's a 1 on 1 thing- never heard of this mutual thing?
> 
> Can't imagine seeing someone with another "someone" in the background almost trying to win the person concerned?
> 
> Still it could be old British "stiff upper lip" I guess!!


We have not slept together.


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## ThreeStrikes

I wouldn't commit to an exclusive relationship with a woman if I hadn't had sex with her.

Who buys a car without test driving it first?

But then again, I'm an a$$...so there ya go.


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## ThreeStrikes

If he commits to exclusivity, should he expect sex as a "reward"?


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## 3Xnocharm

ThreeStrikes said:


> If he commits to exclusivity, should he expect sex as a "reward"?


Nope, thats not how I work. I dont do casual sex. Period. Nor do I use it as a weapon or reward.


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## ThreeStrikes

3Xnocharm said:


> Nope, thats not how I work. I dont do casual sex. Period. Nor do I use it as a weapon or reward.


But what I'm wondering, is will* he perceive it* to be a "reward".

Anyways, I'm curious to see how things go.


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## Conrad

ThreeStrikes said:


> I wouldn't commit to an exclusive relationship with a woman if I hadn't had sex with her.
> 
> Who buys a car without test driving it first?
> 
> But then again, I'm an a$$...so there ya go.


Same here.

It's too important to raise expectations before you know what's going to happen there.


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## Married but Happy

How long have you been dating, or how many dates have you been on? How well do you really know each other?

Personally, unless we'd had a few great dates and some in-depth conversations, and had had sex, I probably wouldn't be ready to agree to exclusivity. Or, if I did, it would only last if all the issues of compatibility were _successfully _addressed fairly soon afterwards, including sex.

I would date (or at least meet once to a few times) as many women as were interested, and then choose who seemed to be the best match and then be exclusive. That worked well for me, but of course many people have a completely different view on this.


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## 3Xnocharm

ThreeStrikes said:


> But what I'm wondering, is will* he perceive it* to be a "reward".
> 
> Anyways, I'm curious to see how things go.


I hope that's not how he percieves it, because in reality, I am making the request to be exclusive because I REALLYREALLY want to have sex with him!


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## Disenchanted

Personally I've jumped into sex before agreeing on being exclusive way too many times. It's no good for me. And wanting to be exclusive with the wrong women has killed the whole thing sometimes too. But that's okay with me, after all, like I said, she was the wrong woman.

I have the same problem of not wanting my partner (especially sexual partner) to be with other people. 

So the question is, what happens if you become exclusive, have sex, and it's disappointing?

You can always break up!

In fact the only way I will have sex with any woman in the future will be one of two ways, either a one night stand and nothing more, period, end of discussion, or an exclusive relationship before sex.


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## ThreeStrikes

3Xnocharm said:


> I hope that's not how he percieves it, because in reality, I am making the request to be exclusive because I REALLYREALLY want to have sex with him!


What if the sex is lousy??

Or he can't perform?

Then what?

Just hypotheticals....


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## angelpixie

Like Dis said, if it's that bad, you can break up. Being exclusive isn't a lifetime commitment (as if they can't be broken, too ), it's just asking the person not to see (and possibly sleep with) other people while seeing you.


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## 3Xnocharm

Mavash. said:


> I believe in no sex before commitment.
> 
> I also believe in casual sex.
> 
> I'm just full of paradox's aren't I?
> 
> How I'd reconcile these two opposing thoughts is if the man is sleeping with other women I'd pass until we were exclusive.
> 
> I don't like to share.


Me either!


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## Mavash.

3Xnocharm said:


> Me either!


Deleted my post because I felt like I was saying it wrong but you got it didn't you?

If a man is seeing other women I have ZERO interest in having sex while he dates others. Not okay with me.

However I have no problem having sex with someone that I'm not in love with so I don't need the commitment.

It's all in the wording I guess.

Commitment is one thing exclusive is something different.


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## 3Xnocharm

Mavash, I did get it.


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## Jellybeans

3Xnocharm said:


> I just let the guy I have been dating know that I would like to be exclusive, and am waiting for his reply. Ugh, this sh!t is hard!


I feel like we are at a slumber party and you just texted the guy you like something and we are all nervous waiting for his response! GIRL PARTY!



3Xnocharm said:


> I hope that's not how he percieves it, because in reality, I am making the request to be exclusive because I REALLYREALLY want to have sex with him!


Hee hee hee :rofl:


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## Jellybeans

Mavash. said:


> Deleted my post because I felt like I was saying it wrong but you got it didn't you?
> 
> If a man is seeing other women I have ZERO interest in having sex while he dates others. Not okay with me.


Oooh I like how you think. Good stuff. :iagree:


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## 3Xnocharm

Jellybeans said:


> I feel like we are at a slumber party and you just texted the guy you like something and we are all nervous waiting for his response! GIRL PARTY!
> 
> 
> 
> Ok, so I have heard back from him! He commented on something I had texted after "that" text, then said regarding the other text, lets talk about it next time we are together!  He tends to like face to face better when we talk about personal stuff. So I am hopeful and will let y'all know!
Click to expand...


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## Dedicated2Her

Yeah. Texting something like that, at least for me, would make me really dig in and question some things about you. But, I'm super observant analytical because of everything I've learned. That is definite face to face.


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## 3Xnocharm

Dedicated2Her said:


> Yeah. Texting something like that, at least for me, would make me really dig in and question some things about you. But, I'm super observant analytical because of everything I've learned. That is definite face to face.


Yeah, you are right. I figured when I sent it that he would either call or want to talk in person. Probably chicken sh!t of me! I think I got used to texting everything because that was the only way my XH would communicate, never face to face on anything important when things got intense.


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## Ceegee

3Xnocharm said:


> I hope that's not how he percieves it, because in reality, I am making the request to be exclusive because I REALLYREALLY want to have sex with him!


After reading first post I was wondering how long before someone mentioned sex. 

10 posts. Surprised it took so long. 

Has the topic of sex come up?


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## 3Xnocharm

We really have not had any sex discussions, actually. He seems to like to take things a little slow, which is fine by me. Evidently the last woman he dated really threw herself at him, and while he seemed flattered by the attention, he also seemed a little put off by it, based on some of his comments and general tone. 

When my XH divorced me, I put a leash on my beast, to protect my heart and to try and approach things a little differently when I did finally decide to get out there again. Well, the beast is growling and pulling on her chain! So if I dont get to let her out after all this, she and him are both going to be pretty disappointed!


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## lisab0105

I am with 3X. When I put myself back out there, if I ever do...no one is getting near my crackerjack prize until I know I am the only person they are with.


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## 06Daddio08

*Re: Re: I think I'm gonna throw up...*



lisab0105 said:


> No one is getting near my crackerjack prize.


That made me cry in laughter. In a bit of a lull and exactly what I needed, thank you! Lol!


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## 3Xnocharm

lisab0105 said:


> I am with 3X. When I put myself back out there, if I ever do...no one is getting near my crackerjack prize until I know I am the only person they are with.


HA! Love it!

I really have a good feeling about this man, he is a ray of sunshine!  (A very SEXY ray of sunshine!)


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## Holland

Good luck 3X I really hope it all goes how you want 

I'm a try before you buy kind of gal and would not become exclusive until a few tries had been had. Just the way I roll.


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## 2galsmom

Good luck 3x. I am just lurking on this topic . . .


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## Jellybeans

lisab0105 said:


> When I put myself back out there, if I ever do...no one is getting near my crackerjack prize until I know I am the only person they are with.


:rofl:

Love that.

3X, hope it all pans in your favor. If it doesn't though, just keep with the search. 7 billion people and all...


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## 3Xnocharm

I appreciate the support! I didnt think I would ever date again after my divorce, it messed me up pretty badly.


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## Jellybeans

Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl, we have all felt that way! Totally normal. You are giving me hope though that I will get "feelings" again for someone.


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## EnjoliWoman

So had to check in to see what's up.  

I don't mind dating while not exclusive but eventually if he wants to get serious enough to have sex and see where the relationship goes, I prefer to not have him dating other people. Sometimes the conversation came after; sometimes I just knew. The last one I did "right" in that we waited, we talked about sex, preferences, kinks (I have read too much here!  ) and it was great until I realized I was the rebound.  

But I'm still optimistic!


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## GinnyTonia

Hi 3x, 
I'm not great at giving advice, but I'm an excellent girl friend (friend of girls), so I'm happy to be able to add my support and good thoughts to your thread. 
And if he's a decent guy, he'll know that any sex following a decision to be exclusive will happen because that is required for you to be comfortable enough to do it and is not a reward,


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## badcompany

lisab0105 said:


> I am with 3X. When I put myself back out there, if I ever do...no one is getting near my crackerjack prize until I know I am the only person they are with.


LOL Lisa
I have to agree I'd go exclusive first, in fact, I'm assuming the OP is referencing someone she met on a dating site?
I think I'd probably put "dating someone" in my profile once it moved beyond the 1st in-person date.
I wouldn't want to be with a gal that was "test driving" half a dozen guys deciding who to be exclusive with, nor would I do that to anyone I was dating.


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## 3Xnocharm

badcompany said:


> LOL Lisa
> I have to agree I'd go exclusive first, in fact, I'm assuming the OP is referencing someone she met on a dating site?
> I think I'd probably put "dating someone" in my profile once it moved beyond the 1st in-person date.
> I wouldn't want to be with a gal that was "test driving" half a dozen guys deciding who to be exclusive with, nor would I do that to anyone I was dating.


Actually I DID meet him on a dating site! After I had sent him my message, I hid my profile on the site. And as far as test driving, I am just not wired to date several people at once! I just cant do it. And if I like someone enough to consider sex, I dont want them out test driving either!


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## chillymorn

interesting thread.

it dose beg the question. what if after you guys decide to go exclusive and then finaly have sex he breaks up with you ....you will most likly think it was because the sex was bad.

I think I would not even mention exclusive and just let the relationship play out as it were. most guys don't hang around very long if there isn't some sort of sexual tension/spark so if hes hanging around then your in. instead I would say I think we both should get tested for STD,s before we have sex and then I would comunicate that after I would consider us exclusive. and if he or she had a problem with that then .......see ya.


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## 3Xnocharm

This really is not that complicated of a thing, here! Some people seem to be making this out to be a much more involved thing than it needs to be, lol! Though it IS interesting to see how differently people can view the same situation. I'm just hoping it works out, and I get to unleash my beast soon!


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## badcompany

3Xnocharm said:


> I'm just hoping it works out, and I get to unleash my beast soon!


I have the good luck ham tied around my neck and I'm ready lol....just kidding
Good luck.....but it's taken this long and no word yet?

I sort of detected in your wording that is was a dating site meet up


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## 3Xnocharm

We are getting together tonight.


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## angelpixie

Good luck!!


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## chillymorn

3Xnocharm said:


> We are getting together tonight.


cheka cheka wow wow!!!!!! pizza man!:smthumbup:


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## CEL

Good luck tonight! Personally not exclusivity no sex for me. I date exclusively as well but I don't expect that from the other person just that they don't flaunt it in my face. But I would not have sex with a women who was not exclusive it is a trust issue and commitment issue as well. I want some kind of commitment if she is going to see my belly and run. LOL. As for sex not being good if two people really care about each other and are wiling to work on it then sex can always be good. The fact is you don't always get that. In which case you can just break up.


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## 2galsmom

If I wanted meaningless sex I could have stayed married. Good luck to you 3x, my nosiness will keep me checking in!


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## Jellybeans

2galsmom said:


> If I wanted meaningless sex I could have stayed married.



[Lol. Awesome!!!


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## Mavash.

Thinking happy thoughts for you!!


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## lenzi

ThreeStrikes said:


> I wouldn't commit to an exclusive relationship with a woman if I hadn't had sex with her.


A woman worth being exclusive with won't have sex with a guy who isn't committed to her.


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## manticore

3Xnocharm said:


> Nope, thats not how I work. I dont do casual sex. Period. Nor do I use it as a weapon or reward.


if there were more women like you probably we men will be different, unfortunatly that is not the case.

the first time I experienced the no exclusive rule was in my early 20's, no is better to say when i was 20, I was kind of a late bloomer so i have not dated alot yet, i was really into this girl, we have been "dating" almost 3 weeks and i wanted to susprise her in her appartment with wine and some movies she told me she haven't seen yet.

when i arrived she was kissing with another guy in his car below her apparment: fight in middle of the street, wine and movies in the street and of course i did not pick them up, next say she called me and ask me why a was so angry, we never say we were exclusive, i asked her why she did not tell me she was seeing other people, she said i did not ask.

of course after that I began with the same behavior, not exclusive until someone ask, if nobody ask if you are not seeing someone else then you don't have to inform them


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## 3Xnocharm

Weird night. I got turned down. He said that he really likes me but wasnt really feeling a chemistry with me. So we talked through our pizza and pitcher of beer, and we both kind of opened up a little more than we had been, then ended up making out like teenagers at my house afterward! So, I may have been premature in asking, and I guess we will try a few more dates and see how things go.


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## Why Not Be Happy?

sounds like an above board type of guy----that's a plus.


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## angelpixie

That does sound weird -- no chemistry, then more opening up, and then lots of making out. :scratchhead: If you're willing to give it more time, I guess that doesn't hurt. But if I was you, I'm afraid I'd be holding back a little until I saw some definite indication from him that he was now feeling more chemistry.

But opening up and being honest is never a bad thing! :smthumbup:


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## Mavash.

Pitcher of beer = chemistry.

Just sayin.....


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## ThreeStrikes

He was hoping the pitcher of beer would change her mind. 

(about the no sex before commitment hang-up)


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## ThreeStrikes

lenzi said:


> A woman worth being exclusive with won't have sex with a guy who isn't committed to her.


We all manufacture our own little worlds, with our own little rules.


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## ThreeStrikes

angelpixie said:


> That does sound weird -- no chemistry, then more opening up, and then lots of making out. :scratchhead: If you're willing to give it more time, I guess that doesn't hurt. But if I was you, I'm afraid I'd be holding back a little until I saw some definite indication from him that he was now feeling more chemistry.
> 
> But opening up and being honest is never a bad thing! :smthumbup:


It's not weird. Many of us guys can't feel chemistry with a woman until we've had sex. He made out with you to see if you would put out.

Yes, we are cavemen. And a-holes.

But, it's reality, and this isn't Disney World.

I'm sure some Nice Guys are going to pounce on this post.


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## 3Xnocharm

Mavash. said:


> Pitcher of beer = chemistry.
> 
> Just sayin.....


Haha, I had thought about that, trust me! I actually had probably 2/3 of that pitcher, my feelings/ego were hurt and I was trying to maintain my composure, lol! Anyway...we will see what happens. It isnt the end of the world if it doesnt happen, though it will be a blow to my ego, so I will have to lick my wounds for a bit!


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## Mavash.

Facts:

He was put off by the last woman who threw herself at him.

Appears to want to move slower this time.

Says he's not feeling the chemistry but made out anyway.

How old is this guy?


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## 3Xnocharm

Mavash. said:


> Facts:
> 
> He was put off by the last woman who threw herself at him.
> 
> Appears to want to move slower this time.
> 
> Says he's not feeling the chemistry but made out anyway.
> 
> How old is this guy?


Same age as me, 43.


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## Jellybeans

3Xnocharm said:


> Weird night. I got turned down. He said that he really likes me but wasnt really feeling a chemistry with me. So we talked through our pizza and pitcher of beer, and we both kind of opened up a little more than we had been, then ended up making out like teenagers at my house afterward! So, I may have been premature in asking, and I guess we will try a few more dates and see how things go.


Sorry to hear he wasn't on the same page. I personally would not go on a "few more dates" with him. 

But here comes a Jelly lecture: WHY did you make out with him after that? Why give him any goodies if he told you he wasn't feeling it with you (in the "other" way)? 

I say, chuck this one back into the sea. 

He has no problem coming over to your house, telling you that, eating your pizza and drinking your beer (the true crime here--nobody messes with my beer! -- lol).

Yeah I'd say he's not worth any more of your time, dear but it is good you told him what you wanted. If you don't try, you will never know. Now you have his answer and can move on.

How long have you been seeing this guy for?


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## Jellybeans

Mavash. said:


> Facts:
> 
> He was put off by the last woman who threw herself at him.
> 
> Appears to want to move slower this time.
> 
> Says he's not feeling the chemistry but made out anyway.
> 
> How old is this guy?


The interesting thing about that is that he claims he had problems w/ a woman throwing herself at him but he was quick to tell 3x he wasn't feeling the chemistry but more than ready to make out.

Not attractive, IMO.


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## Jellybeans

Oh and be glad you didn't sleep with him.


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## Mavash.

3x are you HD?


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## badcompany

I agree with above if he turned you down it's time to walk, you just gave him the green light for a FWB in his mind.


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## 2galsmom

I am sorry 3x. That sucks and I am sure it doesn't feel good. adios pal is what I say. Find someone who makes you feel good about yourself and be happy you didn't sleep with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

Mavash. said:


> 3x are you HD?


Yes.


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## EnjoliWoman

Mavash. said:


> Pitcher of beer = chemistry.
> 
> Just sayin.....


I was hoping the opening up after the pitcher of beer led to the chemistry.  But then I'm an eternal optimist.


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## Mavash.

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes.


That's what I thought. I have this theory that says HD's and LD's tend to find each other. Like moths to a flame I swear. Your guy has some red flags for being LD or the very least MD. If I'm right sex isn't high on his priority list or he's got low T. 43 is a bit young for that but it can happen.

My sincere advice is don't waste much more time with this guy. 

And in the meantime get back on those dating sites. You aren't exclusive.


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## Jellybeans

badcompany said:


> I agree with above if he turned you down it's time to walk, you just gave him the green light for a FWB in his mind.





2galsmom said:


> adios pal is what I say. Find someone who makes you feel good about yourself and be happy you didn't sleep with him.


Yes and YES. You would feel worse if you slept with him, TRUST ME. 



EnjoliWoman said:


> I was hoping the opening up after the pitcher of beer led to the chemistry.  But then I'm an eternal optimist.


Well, IMO, a pitcher of beer always leads to chemistry within my own heart...but as for this guy...no way. So keep the beer and toss him out. LOL


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## Jellybeans

Mavash. said:


> That's what I thought. I have this theory that says HD's and LD's tend to find each other. Like moths to a flame I swear. Your guy has some red flags for being LD or the very least MD. If I'm right sex isn't high on his priority list or he's got low T. 43 is a bit young for that but it can happen.
> 
> *My sincere advice is don't waste much more time with this guy.
> *


Regardless of drive, he's stating he's not into her so she needs to cut him loose and not reward him by making out with him. 

Sooo agree w/ the bolded part.

3x -- you see? Everyone is advising you of the same
thing...


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## 3Xnocharm

EnjoliWoman said:


> I was hoping the opening up after the pitcher of beer led to the chemistry.  But then I'm an eternal optimist.


Ha, me too! (really, it wasnt that much beer!) We had both been kind of cautious I think, up to this point, and once we opened this dialogue, we both came out from behind our shields a little more.


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## ThreeStrikes

Did he say if he was dating other women?


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## badcompany

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes.


That makes it difficult as a woman, you can't really put it in your profile or you know what will happen....but it's a need none-the-less.
TAM needs to just set up a HD singles forum and let us find our relief


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## Jellybeans

3Xnocharm said:


> I have been asking myself that.* I dont think I can continue to see him, because I dont like the thought of him with other people, so that would not be fair to either of us. *I never have been good at dating more than one person at a time, so this is normal for me, lol.


Your words, babygirl!


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## lisab0105

Sorry 3X. 

Honestly, he is probably getting some from elsewhere and he wants to keep that door opened. Or, he is looking to get it elsewhere while making out with you. 

I think he is a big jerkface for telling you that but making out with you afterward. Talking about mix-messages and leading someone on. 

Don't give him anymore of your time.


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## lisab0105

badcompany said:


> That makes it difficult as a woman, you can't really put it in your profile or you know what will happen....but it's a need none-the-less.
> TAM needs to just set up a HD singles forum and let us find our relief


HAHA...that is all we need, a TAM dating section for us BS spouses, rejected spouses, no sex-getting spouses. At least we would all know our baggage from the get go. LMAO


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## EnjoliWoman

I think the collective 'we' are reading too much into him. He rushed it with someone else and it didn't work out so now he wants to take it slow. I don't think we can assume he's LD or low T or trying for sex without a commitment. 

Can it just simply, honestly be that he likes her, doesn't want to hurt her, doesn't want to rush into sex because that creates the lovely rose-colored fog that masks true compatibility (or lack thereof)...

They had a good heart-to-heart, they got closer emotionally plus made out after getting closer cerebral-wise... not wanting to be exclusive doesn't have to mean he's dating others. It could just be he doesn't want to set her up for disappointment if he's not sure how he feels yet, right?

Am I naive?


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## 3Xnocharm

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think the collective 'we' are reading too much into him. He rushed it with someone else and it didn't work out so now he wants to take it slow. I don't think we can assume he's LD or low T or trying for sex without a commitment.
> 
> Can it just simply, honestly be that he likes her, doesn't want to hurt her, doesn't want to rush into sex because that creates the lovely rose-colored fog that masks true compatibility (or lack thereof)...
> 
> They had a good heart-to-heart, they got closer emotionally plus made out after getting closer cerebral-wise... not wanting to be exclusive doesn't have to mean he's dating others. It could just be he doesn't want to set her up for disappointment if he's not sure how he feels yet, right?
> 
> Am I naive?


EW, this has actually been my line of thinking on the whole thing.  Thanks!


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## 3Xnocharm

lisab0105 said:


> HAHA...that is all we need, a TAM dating section for us BS spouses, rejected spouses, no sex-getting spouses. At least we would all know our baggage from the get go. LMAO


Hmm, what would we label that section??


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## Jellybeans

EnjoliWoman said:


> Can it just simply, honestly be that he likes her, doesn't want to hurt her, doesn't want to rush into sex because that creates the lovely rose-colored fog that masks true compatibility (or lack thereof)...
> 
> They had a good heart-to-heart, they got closer emotionally plus made out after getting closer cerebral-wise... not wanting to be exclusive doesn't have to mean he's dating others. It could just be he doesn't want to set her up for disappointment if he's not sure how he feels yet, right?
> 
> Am I naive?


Yeah I think you are, Enjoli. I don't agree with this assessment, not saying you are wrong but my interpretation is that he's not into her but is willing to make out with her. He could have just stayed afterward and drank pizza/beer cause he didn't want to seem like a jerk and leave right away. If she was receptive or pursued making out wih him, come one, how many men are going to say no to that? So she put herself out there after the fact (not knocking you 3x, just saying). So my feeling is that his word is real--he's just not that into her. Therefore, 3x needs to dial it back and not have him over for pizza/beer/make out sessions because she wants something more and he doesn't.

Take the man at his word.

My 2 cents.



lisab0105 said:


> HAHA...that is all we need, a TAM dating section for us BS spouses, rejected spouses, no sex-getting spouses. At least we would all know our baggage from the get go. LMAO


LOL and LisaB, you are very pretty (avatar pic).


----------



## EnjoliWoman

3Xnocharm said:


> Hmm, what would we label that section??


Gluttons for Punishment


----------



## Jellybeans

3Xnocharm said:


> Hmm, what would we label that section??


The Motley Crew


----------



## Jellybeans

EnjoliWoman said:


> Gluttons for Punishment


Touche. This one is better.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah I think you are, Enjoli. I don't agree with this assessment, not saying you are wrong but my interpretation is that he's not into her but is willing to make out with her. He could have just stayed afterward and drank pizza/beer cause he didn't want to seem like a jerk and leave right away. If she was receptive or pursued making out wih him, come one, how many men are going to say no to that? So she put herself out there after the fact (not knocking you 3x, just saying). So my feeling is that his word is real--he's just not that into her. Therefore, 3x needs to dial it back and not have him over for pizza/beer/make out sessions because she wants something more and he doesn't.
> 
> Take the man at his word.
> 
> My 2 cents.
> 
> LOL and LisaB, you are very pretty (avatar pic).



But what does a guy get out of making out? Horny and no release? If he knows it's not leading to sex unless it's exclusive, why would he make out unless after their heart-to-heart he began to feel closer/more chemistry and acted on that by kissing?

On the flip side (my own devils' advocate) I have been told by friends that guys say what they mean and to not try to read anything into it and just take at its' surface.


----------



## badcompany

lisab0105 said:


> HAHA...that is all we need, a TAM dating section for us BS spouses, rejected spouses, no sex-getting spouses. At least we would all know our baggage from the get go. LMAO


Hey, I would love dating another BS from TAM, especially an HD one. All cards face up on the table sounds good to me

3X, I think dating sites suck, seems like everyone is trying to see how "good" they can do and not being very serious. Just like your experience, your guy would get with you but didn't think the chemistry was there...
In my few days on POF, I would look for women who I thought were equal in "sex rank", who I found attractive, and then check out their profile and "no" most of them


----------



## lisab0105

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think the collective 'we' are reading too much into him. He rushed it with someone else and it didn't work out so now he wants to take it slow. I don't think we can assume he's LD or low T or trying for sex without a commitment.
> 
> Can it just simply, honestly be that he likes her, doesn't want to hurt her, doesn't want to rush into sex because that creates the lovely rose-colored fog that masks true compatibility (or lack thereof)...
> 
> They had a good heart-to-heart, they got closer emotionally plus made out after getting closer cerebral-wise... not wanting to be exclusive doesn't have to mean he's dating others. It could just be he doesn't want to set her up for disappointment if he's not sure how he feels yet, right?
> 
> Am I naive?


If he hadn't said he is not feeling the chemistry, I would agree with you. But he did...and then made out with her. He is a jerk face. He may be a fine as hell jerkface...but still a jerkface all the same.


----------



## lisab0105

EnjoliWoman said:


> But what does a guy get out of making out? Horny and no release? If he knows it's not leading to sex unless it's exclusive, why would he make out unless after their heart-to-heart he began to feel closer/more chemistry and acted on that by kissing?
> 
> On the flip side (my own devils' advocate) I have been told by friends that guys say what they mean and to not try to read anything into it and just take at its' surface.


Ego. Ego. Ego.


----------



## lisab0105

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah I think you are, Enjoli. I don't agree with this assessment, not saying you are wrong but my interpretation is that he's not into her but is willing to make out with her. He could have just stayed afterward and drank pizza/beer cause he didn't want to seem like a jerk and leave right away. If she was receptive or pursued making out wih him, come one, how many men are going to say no to that? So she put herself out there after the fact (not knocking you 3x, just saying). So my feeling is that his word is real--he's just not that into her. Therefore, 3x needs to dial it back and not have him over for pizza/beer/make out sessions because she wants something more and he doesn't.
> 
> Take the man at his word.
> 
> My 2 cents.
> 
> 
> 
> LOL and LisaB, you are very pretty (avatar pic).


:awink: Thanks Doll!


----------



## lisab0105

Jellybeans said:


> The Motley Crew


The Baggage Claim


----------



## badcompany

+1 Lisa, it's the fine as hell ones that will see how much @ss they can pull in, because they can and they do. I've seen it countless times, partner gets dumped for a hotter model and the BS goes right after another player.


----------



## Jellybeans

EnjoliWoman said:


> But what does a guy get out of making out? Horny and no release? If he knows it's not leading to sex unless it's exclusive, why would he make out unless after their heart-to-heart he began to feel closer/more chemistry and acted on that by kissing?


Because he's horny and wants to and she's willing. 



badcompany said:


> In my few days on POF, I would look for women who I thought were equal in "sex rank"



Curious -- What is your "equal sex rank?"


----------



## badcompany

lisab0105 said:


> The Baggage Claim


Good one


----------



## lisab0105

It is a total ego boost for a guy if he can tell her he doesn't really feel her in that way, but he can still get her to make out with him. 

He is probably hoping a few more pizza/beer runs with her and he will loosen her up enough where she will cave. 

Believe it or not...there are some women who play the hard to get card very disingenuously. They are just waiting for the right amount of pursuit to put out.


----------



## badcompany

Jellybeans said:


> Because he's horny and wants to and she's willing.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Curious -- What is your "equal sex rank?"


Average. If anything maybe I am too modest but I think it's better that way. Not very many women post up pics here but for example I would consider Lisa and distraughtintexas to be out of my league.


----------



## badcompany

lisab0105 said:


> It is a total ego boost for a guy if he can tell her he doesn't really feel her in that way, but he can still get her to make out with him.
> 
> He is probably hoping a few more pizza/beer runs with her and he will loosen her up enough where she will cave.
> 
> Believe it or not...there are some women who play the hard to get card very disingenuously. They are just waiting for the right amount of pursuit to put out.


Games...ugh.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I guess I really believe the best in people. I want to feel they are being completely up front with feelings and actions without a hidden agenda. I'm that way and expect others to be as well. I'm a TMI/heart on sleeve sort of person and imagine that has led to a few misadventures.

Bad Company - I'm the opposite. I tend to prefer the average guy in build/looks because I've had some bad experiences (starting back in young teens) with arrogant good looking men. I'm sure there are nice, down-to-earth handsome men but I only find jerks. 

Then again, the average guy might see me as below his sex rank since I'm what Nsweet called "voluptuous" aka built like Adele. I think I'm an 8 from above the neck but probably a 5 below the neck. In my head I'm a 10 because I like who I am on the inside!


----------



## badcompany

lisab0105 said:


> :awink: Thanks Doll!


Yes Lisa is one of the top TAM hotties, most guys here will agree. Why you were putting up with someone that hit you in the face I have no idea.


----------



## badcompany

EnjoliWoman said:


> I guess I really believe the best in people. I want to feel they are being completely up front with feelings and actions without a hidden agenda. I'm that way and expect others to be as well. I'm a TMI/heart on sleeve sort of person and imagine that has led to a few misadventures.
> 
> Bad Company - I'm the opposite. I tend to prefer the average guy in build/looks because I've had some bad experiences (starting back in young teens) with arrogant good looking men. I'm sure there are nice, down-to-earth handsome men but I only find jerks.
> 
> Then again, the average guy might see me as below his sex rank since I'm what Nsweet called "voluptuous" aka built like Adele. I think I'm an 8 from above the neck but probably a 5 below the neck. In my head I'm a 10 because I like who I am on the inside!


I'm very similar, but I've found, like you have, that the values you stated in the first paragraph get you manipulated and in trouble. Look up the lyrics to weezer's pork and beans song if you don't know it already, I think it's real fitting for people like you and I


----------



## angelpixie

3Xnocharm said:


> Hmm, what would we label that section??


Naked Twister 



EnjoliWoman said:


> I guess I really believe the best in people. I want to feel they are being completely up front with feelings and actions without a hidden agenda. I'm that way and expect others to be as well. I'm a TMI/heart on sleeve sort of person and imagine that has led to a few misadventures.


This is interesting. I read a book about helping women who have been disappointed in relationships to look at men differently. The title sounds negative towards men, so I won't say it, but in actuality, the author was not negative about men in general. She just wanted women to stop making assumptions that men act and think the same way women do when it comes to dating and how they treat the women they date. In many cases, we tend to over-complicate things when the guy really does just say what he means, and we as women should take him at face value. I didn't actually see myself in the behavior she was talking about, because I have always tended to be a bit more cynical, and it was surprising to me the examples she gave from her workshops of how some of the women were thinking. You could just see that they were setting themselves up to get hurt or at the very least disappointed. Which would probably lead to bitterness, and more future unfulfilling relationships.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

You should share the book, AP. PM me if you feel the title might be misinterpreted.


----------



## livinfree

badcompany said:


> Games...ugh.


Totally. If the level of effort is too high, just walk. I have a day job already..


----------



## 3Xnocharm

lisab0105 said:


> If he hadn't said he is not feeling the chemistry, I would agree with you. But he did...and then made out with her. He is a jerk face. He may be a fine as hell jerkface...but still a jerkface all the same.


Has anyone considered that* I *was the one getting something out this makeout session??  

Originally Posted by EnjoliWoman View Post
*If he knows it's not leading to sex unless it's exclusive, why would he make out unless after their heart-to-heart he began to feel closer/more chemistry and acted on that by kissing?
*
Again, you are following my thought path, EW.  I think that he really does like me, and is giving it more of a chance to make sure if something could be there or not. We have a good time together, we laugh, have good conversation, and enjoy the time we have spent so far.

And I second what BadCompany said here:

*Hey, I would love dating another BS from TAM, especially an HD one. All cards face up on the table sounds good to me*

:smthumbup:


----------



## Jellybeans

I want to know what book that is!


----------



## Jellybeans

3Xnocharm said:


> Has anyone considered that* I *was the one getting something out this makeout session??
> 
> Originally Posted by EnjoliWoman View Post
> *If he knows it's not leading to sex unless it's exclusive, why would he make out unless after their heart-to-heart he began to feel closer/more chemistry and acted on that by kissing?
> *
> Again, you are following my thought path, EW.  I think that he really does like me, and is giving it more of a chance to make sure if something could be there or not. We have a good time together, we laugh, have good conversation, and enjoy the time we have spent so far.
> 
> And I second what BadCompany said here:
> 
> *Hey, I would love dating another BS from TAM, especially an HD one. All cards face up on the table sounds good to me*
> 
> :smthumbup:


Hey, now... if that makes you happy then go for it! 

My concern is more of the fact that you may get your feelings hurt if you continue seeing someone who has told you he doesn't feel the relationship chemistry with you. 

But you know what is best (for you).


----------



## ThreeStrikes

You folks are way too afraid of getting your feelings hurt.

Just sayin...

We only live once. Go for it! 

It's just frickin sex. Good grief, why put it on such a pedestal???


----------



## Jellybeans

ThreeStrikes said:


> You folks are way too afraid of getting your feelings hurt.
> 
> Just sayin...
> 
> We only live once. Go for it!
> 
> It's just frickin sex. Good grief, why put it on such a pedestal???


Not everyone feels the same, ThreeStrikes. And that is what makes this world such a lovely place. Different opinions and all.


----------



## lisab0105

3Xnocharm said:


> Has anyone considered that* I *was the one getting something out this makeout session??
> 
> Originally Posted by EnjoliWoman View Post
> *If he knows it's not leading to sex unless it's exclusive, why would he make out unless after their heart-to-heart he began to feel closer/more chemistry and acted on that by kissing?
> *
> Again, you are following my thought path, EW.  I think that he really does like me, and is giving it more of a chance to make sure if something could be there or not. We have a good time together, we laugh, have good conversation, and enjoy the time we have spent so far.
> 
> And I second what BadCompany said here:
> 
> *Hey, I would love dating another BS from TAM, especially an HD one. All cards face up on the table sounds good to me*
> 
> :smthumbup:


By all means...I just get defensive over someone if it seems like they are getting played. You like the guy enough to ask to be exclusive. I am sure you were disappointed when he squashed that and I just hate the thought of him playing off of that. Mind you, I can't see sh*t through the tree's when it comes to my own love life, so I should probably just shut the f'ck up lol


----------



## lisab0105

ThreeStrikes said:


> You folks are way too afraid of getting your feelings hurt.
> 
> Just sayin...
> 
> We only live once. Go for it!
> 
> It's just frickin sex. Good grief, why put it on such a pedestal???


We did that...it was called being in our 20's. Over it.


----------



## lisab0105

livinfree said:


> Totally. If the level of effort is too high, just walk. I have a day job already..


Weeeerrrd! 

Add kids, school, dishes, washing my hair, shaving my legs... 

Ain't no one got time for that!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

lisab0105 said:


> By all means...I just get defensive over someone if it seems like they are getting played. You like the guy enough to ask to be exclusive. I am sure you were disappointed when he squashed that and I just hate the thought of him playing off of that. Mind you, I can't see sh*t through the tree's when it comes to my own love life, so I should probably just shut the f'ck up lol


Its nice to know folks have your back!


----------



## ThreeStrikes

lisab0105 said:


> We did that...it was called being in our 20's. Over it.


So now you choose to live in fear?

<shrug>

I think most of you know where I stand by now. 3x, you should have banged his brains out.

I wish you luck!


----------



## manticore

ladies you are reading to much and letting your imagination fly.

not everyman out there who does not want commitment after few dates is a jerk.

if he is 43 and single, means that he probably is divorced or had some failed long relationships.

he can easily be a BS or maybe he had a disastrous marriage for years, and reflecting on his past he don't want to jump in a relationship without thinking they are really compatible.

now there is others factors, just because you date someone does not mean you are going to believe everything that person tells you, my boss is 39 and is divorced he was dating a divorced woman for few months, and she claimed that her husband was abusive and he left her, my boss later found that she had a 2 year affair and that is why they divorced, so he ended the relationship with her.

Most single people at 40's are divorced and at least 20% of those divorced are cheaters.

BTW, my persoal view of the facts is that he is not really a jerk, if he was a jerk of the highest order, he could easily lie, said that he agrees to exclusivity, then sex her two months and break up with her.

if he was kind of a jerk, when they were making out he could said that he wanted to go further to see if the spark was there and belive me when women are in that position they rarely say no, they convice themselves for the excitement they are feeling and they got caught in the moment.
(i did this in my younger days)

From my point of view he wanted to do the right thing and say what he was thinking, but i can easily see how when they were honest and kind of sad for the feeling that they will end up things, the two of them began to share a little more and feel more connected, which lead to kissing, which lead to making out, which lead to have more dates.

be honest girls, can you honestly tell me that in your lives when you have opened to someone and share about you and that person did the same in return you did not feel like kissing him?. that is what we call having a moment.


----------



## lisab0105

ThreeStrikes said:


> So now you choose to live in fear?
> 
> <shrug>
> 
> I think most of you know where I stand by now. 3x, you should have banged his brains out.
> 
> I wish you luck!


Nah, not fear. I just want something more. Something better than a wham bam thank you ma'am. I have had ONS and I have had relationship sex. The latter is better. I have no desire to "audition" for someone.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

manticore said:


> ladies you are reading to much and letting your imagination fly.
> 
> not everyman out there who does not want commitment after few dates is a jerk.
> 
> if he is 43 and single, means that he probably is divorced or had some failed long relationships.
> 
> he can easily be a BS or maybe he had a disastrous marriage for years, and reflecting on his past he don't want to jump in a relationship without thinking they are really compatible.
> 
> now there is others factors, just because you date someone does not mean you are going to believe everything that person tells you, my boss is 39 and is divorced he was dating a divorced woman for few months, and she claimed that her husband was abusive and he left her, my boss later found that she had a 2 year affair and that is why they divorced, so he ended the relationship with her.
> 
> Most single people at 40's are divorced and at least 20% of those divorced are cheaters.
> 
> BTW, my persoal view of the facts is that he is not really a jerk, if he was a jerk of the highest order, he could easily lie, said that he agrees to exclusivity, then sex her two months and break up with her.
> 
> if he was kind of a jerk, when they were making out he could said that he wanted to go further to see if the spark was there and belive me when women are in that position they rarely say no, they convice themselves for the excitement they are feeling and they got caught in the moment.
> (i did this in my younger days)
> 
> From my point of view he wanted to do the right thing and say what he was thinking, but i can easily see how when they were honest and kind of sad for the feeling that they will end up things, the two of them began to share a little more and feel more connected, which lead to kissing, which lead to making out, which lead to have more dates.
> 
> be honest girls, can you honestly tell me that in your lives when you have opened to someone and share about you and that person did the same in return you did not feel like kissing him?. that is what we call having a moment.


:yay::yay:


----------



## lisab0105

manticore said:


> ladies you are reading to much and letting your imagination fly.
> 
> not everyman out there who does not want commitment after few dates is a jerk.
> 
> if he is 43 and single, means that he probably is divorced or had some failed long relationships.
> 
> he can easily be a BS or maybe he had a disastrous marriage for years, and reflecting on his past he don't want to jump in a relationship without thinking they are really compatible.
> 
> now there is others factors, just because you date someone does not mean you are going to believe everything that person tells you, my boss is 39 and is divorced he was dating a divorced woman for few months, and she claimed that her husband was abusive and he left her, my boss later found that she had a 2 year affair and that is why they divorced, so he ended the relationship with her.
> 
> Most single people at 40's are divorced and at least 20% of those divorced are cheaters.
> 
> BTW, my persoal view of the facts is that he is not really a jerk, if he was a jerk of the highest order, he could easily lie, said that he agrees to exclusivity, then sex her two months and break up with her.
> 
> if he was kind of a jerk, when they were making out he could said that he wanted to go further to see if the spark was there and belive me when women are in that position they rarely say no, they convice themselves for the excitement they are feeling and they got caught in the moment.
> (i did this in my younger days)
> 
> From my point of view he wanted to do the right thing and say what he was thinking, but i can easily see how when they were honest and kind of sad for the feeling that they will end up things, the two of them began to share a little more and feel more connected, which lead to kissing, which lead to making out, which lead to have more dates.
> 
> be honest girls, can you honestly tell me that in your lives when you have opened to someone and share about you and that person did the same in return you did not feel like kissing him?. that is what we call having a moment.



And I would agree with you...except he told her he didn't feel chemistry with her. 

Not being ready is very different from "I'm not feelin it"


----------



## 06Daddio08

*Re: Re: I think I'm gonna throw up...*



ThreeStrikes said:


> You folks are way too afraid of getting your feelings hurt.
> 
> Just sayin...
> 
> We only live once. Go for it!
> 
> It's just frickin sex. Good grief, why put it on such a pedestal???







ThreeStrikes said:


> So now you choose to live in fear?
> 
> <shrug>
> 
> I think most of you know where I stand by now. 3x, you should have banged his brains out.
> 
> I wish you luck!


I agree in regards to "there's no harm in getting yourself out there" but the level of intimacy / sex is far too personally influenced to generalize.


----------



## Mavash.

If a man tells me he "really likes me but doesn't feel chemistry" why on earth would I want to have sex with HIM?

Way too many willing men out there to waste my time with this one.


----------



## Jellybeans

lisab0105 said:


> We did that...it was called being in our 20's. Over it.


Hehe. 

:smthumbup:



ThreeStrikes said:


> So now you choose to live in fear?
> 
> <shrug>
> 
> I think most of you know where I stand by now. 3x, you should have banged his brains out.
> 
> I wish you luck!


Why do you keep stating that it's fear? It's called knowing oneself and some people really aren't down for casual sex. We're not all built the same. It doesn't make people wrong to have a different point of view...




manticore said:


> be honest girls, can you honestly tell me that in your lives when you have opened to someone and share about you and that person did the same in return you did not feel like kissing him?. that is what we call having a moment.



It may have been a moment but he said his piece already.



lisab0105 said:


> And I would agree with you...except he told her he didn't feel chemistry with her.
> 
> Not being ready is very different from "I'm not feelin it"


This! :iagree:



Mavash. said:


> If a man tells me he "really likes me but doesn't feel chemistry" why on earth would I want to have sex with HIM?


Agreed. Sooo agree.


----------



## Jellybeans

lisab0105 said:


> By all means...I just get defensive over someone if it seems like they are getting played. You like the guy enough to ask to be exclusive. I am sure you were disappointed when he squashed that and I just hate the thought of him playing off of that. Mind you, I can't see sh*t through the tree's when it comes to my own love life, so I should probably just shut the f'ck up lol


This is the crux of it. If I want to be exclusive with someone and they have told me they are not feeling the chemistry, then I, personally, cannot carry on with "dating" them knowing they do not feel the same way about me. It would make me feel too bad/rejected/insecure and not like my needs were getting met. 

Next.


----------



## Jellybeans

I wish more of the TAM men were weighing in on this and what he said. Since they speak DUDE and all. Lol


----------



## badcompany

Jb, it's either a ploy to get her to pursue therefore a head game, or legitimate non-interest in anything beyond FWB.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

badcompany said:


> I'm very similar, but I've found, like you have, that the values you stated in the first paragraph get you manipulated and in trouble. *Look up the lyrics to weezer's pork and beans song if you don't know it already*, I think it's real fitting for people like you and I


I know my specs say I'm from the southeast but that doesn't mean I've heard of "weezer" OR his "pork and beans" song! 


(But I'll google it at home)


----------



## Jellybeans

badcompany said:


> Jb, it's either a ploy to get her to pursue therefore a head game, or legitimate non-interest in anything beyond FWB.



Exactly.

And to me, if it is a "ploy" to "get her to pursue" then that is game--laying and not anyone she should be dating if she has genuine feelings for him. That to me would be the lowest of the low if he were doing that.

That said, I do think in this situation he probably meant what he said. I do not think he's a jerk, in fact, I respect him for being honest with her about his feelings. It would be much worse if he straight lied to her and feigned like he was into it when he simply doesn't feel the chemistry with her.

3x--do not despair... this just means he's not the guy. Which means the guy is out there somewhere. Like I said, throw this one back in the pond, respect yourself by pulling back, and continue the pursuit. 

Chalk it up to a lesson. Also, I commend you for being open and honest with him about how you felt and that you wanted to be exclusive because you were stating your boundaries/needs. If he couldn't live up to them/or wasn't on the same page with you, then it is no loss at all--you have gained a lot from doing that in that you can happily move on w/o wasting more of your time or wondering if/what/when/what he is thinking w/o being confused.


----------



## angelpixie

Exactly, JB. There's no point in having a boundary if you let someone cross it without consequences. Your boundary is something that matters to you. He doesn't meet that qualification, so don't lower your standard so that he can meet it.


----------



## Jellybeans

Funny you typed that, Angel, cause I was just in the "boundary" thread on TAM. Hee hee. 

Sigh...dating. It's so annoying. LOL.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Jellybeans said:


> Sigh...dating. It's so annoying. LOL.


GOD YES, I dont know WTF I was thinking!!


----------



## Jellybeans

Don't beat yourself up, 3x. You did a good thing by putting yourself out there! 

Baby steps!


----------



## lisab0105

I'm not going to date, I will just live vicariously through TAM's single dating drama.


----------



## Jellybeans

Well I can promise you one thing--- you WILL be entertained because this is like watching a live soap opera. LOL. We all contribute to the story. Hee hee.


----------



## lisab0105

Dating isn't sexy. You know what is sexy? Knowing who you are coming home too every night..


----------



## Jellybeans

3x--also don't beat yourself up -- it's not YOU... or rather... he is not in a place/or needs to be in a relationship right now and that is fine. That is where he is on his path. You are somewhere different.
So cut strings and carry on.

I was feeling pretty rejected/annoyed that this one guy didn't seem to be returning my attraction/want to go out, but then I realized--who cares? Yeah I was still kinda miffed but ... ONTO THE NEXT ONE. Better to find out SOONER than later. Every time!


----------



## Jellybeans

lisab0105 said:


> Dating isn't sexy. You know what is sexy? Knowing who you are coming home too every night..


Yeah but you have to date before you get to that point...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah but you have to date before you get to that point...


Haha, I was going to say the same thing! I hate dating. HATE IT. Thats probably why I have been a serial monogamist my whole life.


----------



## lisab0105

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah but you have to date before you get to that point...


i know, which is so annoying. Makes me even more mad at my ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hereinthemidwest

If he told me no chemisty I personally wouldn't waste my time. It appears he THINKS he's closer to getting you into bed then starting scratch with someone else. 

I had a man tell me he married his wife based on sexual chemisty and it didn't last. He would like to date, never being left alone. Wanted to have a pure relationship wait until marriage before sex. BTW he was 49. So there are men and women who try want their next relationship/marriage to be better then their last. :smthumbup:


----------



## CEL

Jellybeans said:


> I wish more of the TAM men were weighing in on this and what he said. Since they speak DUDE and all. Lol


Well I am guy so I qualify for the dude speak. LOL. Here is the deal a few have already said it but I will put it in my own words. You are thinking into too much he did not say. You thinking into far more than his actions account for. You are not weighing what he did say enough. As I guy I say what I mean and mean what I say I won't say always because sometimes I am confused but usually I am a pretty straight shooter. I like facts so here you go.

1. You asked for exclusivity. He said no.

2. He said he does not feel chemistry with you but is willing to keep dating you. He is also free to date others.

3. You guys made out, not sure what this entails so if you want elaborate more. This was after a few beers.

You think he opened up more and really does feel something for you. You think he just wants to take things slow. You think he is just being careful. So either he lied to you or you know him better than he knows himself. You have fun together and you like him. Okay I have a female friend I have fun with does not mean I am going to have sex with her. The point I am driving at is that what you feel is not what he feels. My guess is that you are a place holder. He wants to spend time with a female and you are fun to be with but that is it. He is using you to fill a place until a women does come along with who he does have chemistry then you are gone. And the shyte part of this is he will feel he has done nothing wrong because he was honest with you. He will use you for what he wants all while telling you that he is using you and then when he leaves and you get upset he will say he was honest so it was all your doing. This is why I don't do non exclusive dating and relationships. And not friends who have feelings for me or me feelings for them. It just is not good for me.

You want this to be the truth that is why you are holding on to it. That's okay you don't have to let go. If I was in your shoes I would put him on back burner. Don't respond to texts right away. Let him hang for awhile before agreeing to dates. Just take it easy on this.


----------



## 2galsmom

Mavash. said:


> If a man tells me he "really likes me but doesn't feel chemistry" why on earth would I want to have sex with HIM?
> 
> Way too many willing men out there to waste my time with this one.


So. We agree.

Adios Pal.

3x you took a risk, be happy that you did! Learn what you can from it and find someone better.


----------



## Mavash.

CEL that was a brilliant post. Not enough likes for that one.


----------



## badcompany

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah but you have to date before you get to that point...


And before I'm bald and walking with a cane would be nice...


----------



## CEL

badcompany said:


> And before I'm bald and walking with a cane would be nice...


I am going to so rock that! I would love to be bald right now I have hair but man I hate my hair can't wait for it to fall out so I can go straight razor. I already have a black thorn cane already so I am set. Tho if I ever get muscles I want to get that awesome cane/club from Cold Steel My Cane O'Power


I gots me some plans for when I get old and scraggly looking.


----------



## 2galsmom

Aging is not bad. I am not messing around this time. I figured out that one of the good things that comes with a loss of fortune, age and the dissolution of a marriage, is that you get more confident and sure of what you want and do not want. This is how people are able to rebuild later in life and get it all back even after bankruptcy and adversity, ruthlessness. Don't freak! Not ruthless in the mean way, but in the positive focused way.

Don't waste my time, I won't waste yours and my time is valuable.

Job same thing. Pay me what I am worth or I am out of there.

Codependent no more is right. Don't worry about your age or getting older, not much you can do to change it anyhow.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

CEL said:


> Well I am guy so I qualify for the dude speak. LOL. Here is the deal a few have already said it but I will put it in my own words. You are thinking into too much he did not say. You thinking into far more than his actions account for. You are not weighing what he did say enough. As I guy I say what I mean and mean what I say I won't say always because sometimes I am confused but usually I am a pretty straight shooter. I like facts so here you go.
> 
> 1. You asked for exclusivity. He said no.
> 
> 2. He said he does not feel chemistry with you but is willing to keep dating you. He is also free to date others.
> 
> 3. You guys made out, not sure what this entails so if you want elaborate more. This was after a few beers.
> 
> You think he opened up more and really does feel something for you. You think he just wants to take things slow. You think he is just being careful. So either he lied to you or you know him better than he knows himself. You have fun together and you like him. Okay I have a female friend I have fun with does not mean I am going to have sex with her. The point I am driving at is that what you feel is not what he feels. My guess is that you are a place holder. He wants to spend time with a female and you are fun to be with but that is it. He is using you to fill a place until a women does come along with who he does have chemistry then you are gone. And the shyte part of this is he will feel he has done nothing wrong because he was honest with you. He will use you for what he wants all while telling you that he is using you and then when he leaves and you get upset he will say he was honest so it was all your doing. This is why I don't do non exclusive dating and relationships. And not friends who have feelings for me or me feelings for them. It just is not good for me.
> 
> You want this to be the truth that is why you are holding on to it. That's okay you don't have to let go. If I was in your shoes I would put him on back burner. Don't respond to texts right away. Let him hang for awhile before agreeing to dates. Just take it easy on this.


Damn. So, I AM naive. SMH I'm just totally screwed in the dating department then.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

I am being serious...DO YOU REALLY WANT HIM?? F his brains out, do things you ever done before..SCREAM...TALK DIRTY....MAKE HIM beg for it...THEN afterwards...do not answer him. YES..dont answer any phone calls or texts. About day five..tell him YOUR BUSY YOU HAVE A DATE and make yourself unavailable for a few days ( ITS A MUST)...WATCH him change. 

only do this...if you really want him.


----------



## CEL

EnjoliWoman said:


> Damn. So, I AM naive. SMH I'm just totally screwed in the dating department then.


Nay you got us. That is what friends are for you don't have to know everything you just have to have a friend who can watch you back.  I got your back if you got mine.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Thanks for the insightful post, CEL!


----------



## 2galsmom

3xnocharm

Men cannot be controlled by sex. This is a fallacy spread by women to other women. 

Please. Do not F*-- him to "get" him. Please.

Go ahead f* his brains out, 50 times and guess what? He will STILL date other women just like he told you and YOU WILL FEEL LIKE ABSOLUTE SH*T.

You were honest and brave with him, hand e was honest. He told you he does not want exclusivity. Nothing wrong with that. You want exclusivity from a male, I am not sure it is this is the male you really want or just the comfort that "exclusivity" and brings.

Listen to what he told you. Do not imagine what is going on in his head, do not attribute fears and cautions to him he has not expressed you will end up with an "imaginary man" associated with the face and body of the person you are dating. You will come to believe your own conjecture about him is the real him.

If I had a dime for every woman who did this I would be texting this from my new Prius.

Find someone who wants exclusivity with 3xnocharm. You deserve it.


----------



## Hardtohandle

Personally I am a one woman man ( I am 46 ) myself. But 20 years have gone by.. Those days are somewhat long gone.. Today it is about hooking up and texting.. Again not every single person is like this, but many are or have become. 

I know when I was going through my divorce a female friend was explaining this stuff to me. She wasn't happy with it either but there wasn't many choices..

What I do when I date a woman is I tell them I do not multidate, but I need to know if they want to do that. I tell them, honestly if you tell me you want to multidate that is great for me because you make my choice easier for me. But if you are asking me if I am going to date several woman at the same time, then the answer is no.. I am just not wired that way.. I date a woman and see where it goes from there.

I don't equate sex to love ( though I used to ).

But I also don't see a reason why sex is such a big deal to be honest. Woman and Men can have sex and neither needs to be a wh0re.. The days of you need to wait 3 dates or 2 months or whatever before you have sex are long gone. 
Its 2 adults having sex for the enjoyment of having sex. Nothing more and nothing less.. 
Again assuming everyone head is in the right place.

On the flip side sex is not the end all be all of a relationship, but it does play a healthy part of it as well. I've dated some wonderful woman in my life that thought laying on their backs was the only thing they needed to do during sex.. Big turn off for me in the bed.. 

But again great woman, but I'm not gonna lie I need a bit more in bed.. Slap in the face, a a$$ grab when I'm on top.. Something that lets me know your into it and still alive.

Back in the day of 20 years ago I remember Andrew Dice Clay saying *"Is she good ?, Oh how do you think she got that way"*. Then he would mutter some comment like dirty wh0re. 

Again today in your 40s people need to grow up a bit and be a bit more emotionally secure.. No one is going to meet a virgin and if you did I would have more concerns than if they weren't.


So all I am saying is try not to be so hung up on the sex thing. Because it just doesn't mean what it used to years ago. Its just another thing that stripped away over the years. Pretty much like sex and violence on TV and in video games.

You like the guy and want to fvck him, then fvck him.. As long as he is emotionally secure in himself and you. If he isn't then he needs to grow up a bit more.

I think as we get older we start to revert to dog years.. 

Meaning when I was 20 I could date someone 5 years and still be 25 and find someone else. 

Today at 46 I am not going to find a woman who will date for 5 years to see if we are that compatable. As I date more I am more and more becoming a firm believer that women with children understand me more and more the person I want to gravitate towards.

So again back to my point.. 

Currently I am dating a woman, which I met online, that has 2 girls. She is a special ed teacher, which is good because she has a better understanding of how to deal with me :rofl:

She is 40 years old..

She isn't pressuring me at all. But I just can't imagine me telling her lets date 3 or 4 years to see where this goes.. She will be 43 or 44.. But what then ? cut her loose ? I will be 50 years old. I waste 4 years of her life as well? She will undoubtedly be thinking the same exact thing 2 years into the relationship. 

Yet again I am not saying settle just to settle and be with someone. 

But the reality is you got married because you wanted to be with someone. I got married for the same reason. I had children for the same reason. 

Personally I feel life is meant for two and I do want to grow old with someone and be with someone when my kids are gone and out of the house.

So I think as we get older we need to make more critical choices much sooner. We also should have wisdom and lessons learned in life to back up those choices as well.

So what took 5 years in our 20s because we lacked wisdom and knowledge should take us less time in our 40s. 

I know back in my 20s if a girl gave me sex on the first date she was considered a wh0re.. Today I would be a immature fool to think that of a woman in her 40s.. 

Just as much as you think that thing between your legs is special. I think the same thing about my thing between my legs.

The simple reality is woman can choose any man they want to have sex with. Men do not have that choice. 

I just felt you were a bit too uptight about the sex thing and made too much of a big deal about it.

I hope in my rambling I made some sort of sense to you.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

*I just felt you were a bit too uptight about the sex thing and made too much of a big deal about it.*


Thanks for that post, HTH. But I am not uptight about the sex thing...I simply dont like to share my toys. If I am going to go there with someone, I want to be the only person they are going there with. If not wanting to fall into bed with random men is uptight, then I guess I am. But I dont see it that way. I love sex, and to me, it needs an emotional connection to be hot. I am not going to share my body with just anyone.


----------



## 2galsmom

It was a good post HTH, I am glad you found another 2galsmom! HAH HAH!

Good for you 3x. Don't let life change and the desire to have a partner you into something you are not. But also, I think it would help to be more relaxed about sex even though I am not calling or thinking of you as a prude.


----------



## Jellybeans

CEL said:


> Well I am guy so I qualify for the dude speak. LOL. Here is the deal a few have already said it but I will put it in my own words. You are thinking into too much he did not say. You thinking into far more than his actions account for. You are not weighing what he did say enough. As I guy I say what I mean and mean what I say I won't say always because sometimes I am confused but usually I am a pretty straight shooter. I like facts so here you go.
> 
> 1. You asked for exclusivity. He said no.
> 
> 2. He said he does not feel chemistry with you but is willing to keep dating you. He is also free to date others.
> 
> 3. You guys made out, not sure what this entails so if you want elaborate more. This was after a few beers.
> 
> You think he opened up more and really does feel something for you. You think he just wants to take things slow. You think he is just being careful. So either he lied to you or you know him better than he knows himself. You have fun together and you like him. Okay I have a female friend I have fun with does not mean I am going to have sex with her. The point I am driving at is that what you feel is not what he feels. My guess is that you are a place holder. He wants to spend time with a female and you are fun to be with but that is it. He is using you to fill a place until a women does come along with who he does have chemistry then you are gone. And the shyte part of this is he will feel he has done nothing wrong because he was honest with you. He will use you for what he wants all while telling you that he is using you and then when he leaves and you get upset he will say he was honest so it was all your doing. This is why I don't do non exclusive dating and relationships. And not friends who have feelings for me or me feelings for them. It just is not good for me.
> 
> You want this to be the truth that is why you are holding on to it. That's okay you don't have to let go. If I was in your shoes I would put him on back burner.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Really, really excellent post, CEL!!! Thanks for weighing in.What you wrote is exactly how I am seeing it. You even broke it down in numbers which is correct and spot on. 



badcompany said:


> And before I'm bald and walking with a cane would be nice...


Hehe. You can still go on dates when you're bald and cane-walking. 



EnjoliWoman said:


> Damn. So, I AM naive. SMH I'm just totally screwed in the dating department then.


Why? Pretty much everything CEL posted was common sense... lol



hereinthemidwest said:


> I am being serious...DO YOU REALLY WANT HIM?? F his brains out, do things you ever done before..SCREAM...TALK DIRTY....MAKE HIM beg for it...THEN afterwards...do not answer him. YES..dont answer any phone calls or texts. About day five..tell him YOUR BUSY YOU HAVE A DATE and make yourself unavailable for a few days ( ITS A MUST)...WATCH him change.


Or not. Just because she sleeps with him and doesn't call him for a few days doesn't mean he will have a change of heart or begin to feel chemistry. He may just think "yes, I got some and I don't even have to worry about dating/a relationship." No, thanks. 3x, I'd pass on that. All it will do is confuse you and make you feel worse. Unless you can separate your feeling for him from the deed which you already stated at the beginning of this thread..you can't... because you do actually like him.

Nope.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Jumping back in....

3x, had you considered taking him for a test-ride before deciding to be exclusive with him?

Commenting on H2H's post:

I think that the nice ladies posting here aren't really representative of what's out there IRL. The hang-up about sex isn't as extreme, IME.

But, like I said earlier, we all make our own little rules.


----------



## Jellybeans

Hardtohandle said:


> So all I am saying is try not to be so hung up on the sex thing. Because it just doesn't mean what it used to years ago.
> 
> You like the guy and want to fvck him, then fvck him.. As long as he is emotionally secure in himself and you. If he isn't then he needs to grow up a bit more.


I can't get with this. I don't understand all the hate 3x is getting for not wanting to fck a guy who she isn't in a relationship/exclusive with. What ever happened to respecting someone else's opinion? Just cause you want to have sex right away with someone doesn't mean everyone does. 

Sex may not mean for YOU what it means to other people, H2H. And also, 3x, I would advocate against sleeping with him because again, you have feelings and he doesn't. This would be totally different if you didn't feel jack for him. But that isn't the case. Don't lose your values/boundaries because someone told you to just "fvck" this guy and get it over with. WTH???? 




Hardtohandle said:


> I just felt you were a bit too uptight about the sex thing and made too much of a big deal about it.


Awesome. Then you should probably date people who feel the same way you do about sex. But telling someone they are "too uptight" about the "sex thing who clearly states she wants a relationship, not a one-off is not really the way, IMO.



3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks for that post, HTH. But I am not uptight about the sex thing...I simply dont like to share my toys. If I am going to go there with someone, I want to be the only person they are going there with. If not wanting to fall into bed with random men is uptight, then I guess I am. But I dont see it that way. I love sex, and to me, it needs an emotional connection to be hot. I am not going to share my body with just anyone.


Good for standing your ground, 3x.

:iagree:


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Jellybeans said:


> I can't get with this. I don't understand all the hate 3x is getting for not wanting to fck a guy who she isn't in a relationship/exclusive with. What ever happened to respecting someone else's opinion? Just cause you want to have sex right away with someone doesn't mean everyone does.
> 
> Sex may not mean for YOU what it means to other people, H2H. And also, 3x, I would advocate against sleeping with him because again, you have feelings and he doesn't. This would be totally different if you didn't feel jack for him. But that isn't the case. Don't lose your values/boundaries because someone told you to just "fvck" this guy and get it over with. WTH????
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Awesome. Then you should probably date people who feel the same way you do about sex. But telling someone they are "too uptight" about the "sex thing who clearly states she wants a relationship, not a one-off is not really the way, IMO.
> 
> 
> 
> Good for standing your ground, 3x.
> 
> :iagree:



JB, You were seeking other guys' opinions, no?

Why the defensiveness?


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Jellybeans said:


> Why? Pretty much everything CEL posted was common sense... lol


I guess I don't have much of that. As I said earlier, I figured the guy's feelings could change after their heart-to-heart. CEL was very clear, however, in how a guy thinks. I have a hard time grasping that but men have always been a mystery. Lack of common sense - maybe. 

I just didn't grow up around a lot of men. Didn't understand boys, never dated or even went to school functions, etc where I could understand them. Predominantly female college. Dated a handful of guys before I married; fast-forward 15 years and have dated another handful of men. So the gender pretty much has me confused.

I 'get' that CEL laid it out very straight forward and may seem like common sense but it's not common for me. I do have a tendency to read too much into stuff and have tried not to. Probably why I haven't ventured back out there after the last guy.


----------



## vi_bride04

Look, guys want sex. Period. Exclusive, not exclusive, emotionally available or not, THEY WANT SEX. Its what they are wired for. 

Just b/c a guy has sex with you does NOT mean there are feelings. 

If the guy is saying there is no chemistry, he means he has no romantic feelings for you whatsoever.

He will still have sex with you though. Don't mistake willingness to engage in the nasty as willing to be exclusive even after you had "the talk" with him. 

Some guys see "the talk" as their way in. Happened to my sister all the time. Says she wants exclusivity, the guy agrees, they make out a few times, have sex. She never gets another call.


----------



## Jellybeans

ThreeStrikes said:


> JB, You were seeking other guys' opinions, no?
> 
> Why the defensiveness?


It's not so much defensiveness and my confusion about why people are giving her a hard time for not wanting to fvck a guy she's not in a relationship with. 

_You're being "uptight"; you won't be seen a "*****." _ It's the implication that somehow she is wrong for not having sex with him. The advice telling her to sleep with him and get it over with when he has told her he doesn't feel chemistry with her. That would only cause her to feel more heartache.


----------



## Jellybeans

EnjoliWoman said:


> I guess I don't have much of that. As I said earlier, I figured the guy's feelings could change after their heart-to-heart. CEL was very clear, however, in how a guy thinks. I have a hard time grasping that but men have always been a mystery. Lack of common sense - maybe.
> 
> I 'get' that CEL laid it out very straight forward and may seem like common sense but it's not common for me. I do have a tendency to read too much into stuff and have tried not to. Probably why I haven't ventured back out there after the last guy.


Got it and I didn't mean to sound offensive. It just seemed so straight forward to me. Like if a guy says he doesn't have feelings for me, I believe him. I don't think men lie about that kind of thing. I know I wouldn't.

Oh and this... is awesome:



EnjoliWoman said:


> Dated a handful of guys before I married; fast-forward 15 years and have dated another handful of men. *So the gender pretty much has me confused*..


I feel the same sometimes! LOL :rofl:


----------



## Jellybeans

vi_bride04 said:


> Look, guys want sex. Period. Exclusive, not exclusive, emotionally available or not, THEY WANT SEX. Its what they are wired for.
> 
> Just b/c a guy has sex with you does NOT mean there are feelings.
> 
> If the guy is saying there is no chemistry, he means he has no romantic feelings for you whatsoever.
> 
> He will still have sex with you though. Don't mistake willingness to engage in the nasty as willing to be exclusive even after you had "the talk" with him.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

3x, how long were you guys dating for?


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Not all guys say what they mean and mean what they say, as Cel asserts.

It's not that simple.

Has it occurred to anyone that, when 3x's boyfriend said he didn't feel chemistry, that he meant he didn't feel chemistry *yet*.

Maybe he's like a lot of guys, who need to experience sex with the woman to see if there is sexual chemistry. Then he might be willing to commit to exclusivity.

Maybe your idea and his idea of chemistry are not the same.

Thoughts to consider


----------



## EnjoliWoman

ThreeStrikes said:


> Not all guys say what they mean and mean what they say, as Cel asserts.
> 
> It's not that simple.
> 
> Has it occurred to anyone that, when 3x's boyfriend said he didn't feel chemistry, that he meant he didn't feel chemistry *yet*.
> 
> Maybe he's like a lot of guys, who need to experience sex with the woman to see if there is sexual chemistry. Then he might be willing to commit to exclusivity.
> 
> Maybe your idea and his idea of chemistry are not the same.
> 
> Thoughts to consider


Oh great - just when I thought CEL explained it you have to go and ruin it for me so I'm back where I was! LOL


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Although I have to admit the times there wasn't chemistry on the guys' side it didn't grow. Although in one instance on my side it DID grow.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

EnjoliWoman said:


> Oh great - just when I thought CEL explained it you have to go and ruin it for me so I'm back where I was! LOL


Hey, they call it the dance of romance for a reason

Back and forth...

I think it's a game of chicken. Who will stick to their guns? Who will cave first. Power struggle. Hee hee.

And the game is always afoot...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

ThreeStrikes said:


> Not all guys say what they mean and mean what they say, as Cel asserts.
> 
> It's not that simple.
> 
> Has it occurred to anyone that, when 3x's boyfriend said he didn't feel chemistry, that he meant he didn't feel chemistry *yet*.
> 
> Maybe he's like a lot of guys, who need to experience sex with the woman to see if there is sexual chemistry. Then he might be willing to commit to exclusivity.
> 
> Maybe your idea and his idea of chemistry are not the same.
> 
> Thoughts to consider


Hmmmm, food for thought here!


----------



## COGypsy

EnjoliWoman said:


> I do have a tendency to read too much into stuff and have tried not to. Probably why I haven't ventured back out there after the last guy.


I see this in SOOOOO many of my female friends and despite my anatomy, I just don't get it. I think it is a part of what makes people especially empathetic, actually so it's probably not a bad thing. Except when it gets in the way of understanding facts. To me it's kind of like accepting a quote for someone to hang your drywall and being surprised that they didn't paint it your favorite color before they left. It wasn't in the quote, so they didn't do it. Same with guys. If they didn't say it, you don't know it. 

I think that so much of the jadedness that women get about men comes more from their own brains than from anything that men do. Clearly not in pathological cases, of course. But in average encounters, women will invent situations and emotions to justify behavior and then be doubly disappointed when men don't do what they'd hoped both in an actual sense (i.e. he didn't call) or a hypothetical sense (because of a presumed big project at work).

No real point to my rambling I guess, just that I see both sides of it pretty often.


----------



## Jellybeans

EnjoliWoman said:


> Although I have to admit the times there wasn't chemistry on the guys' side it didn't grow. Although in one instance on my side it DID grow.


This is me. If I don't feel chemistry with someone, it is not likely to happen. It is either there or it isn't.


----------



## COGypsy

ThreeStrikes said:


> *Not all guys say what they mean and mean what they say, as Cel asserts.
> *
> It's not that simple.
> 
> Has it occurred to anyone that, when 3x's boyfriend said he didn't feel chemistry, that he meant he didn't feel chemistry *yet*.
> 
> Maybe he's like a lot of guys, who need to experience sex with the woman to see if there is sexual chemistry. Then he might be willing to commit to exclusivity.
> 
> Maybe your idea and his idea of chemistry are not the same.
> 
> Thoughts to consider


But that is still all the information that you have to go on. You can't assume that "I don't feel chemistry" means "I don't feel chemistry yet--although I'll be willing to consider your case after a couple of hours in the trapeze room at the no-tell motel" and more than you can assume that "I don't feel chemistry" means "Hope you brought money for the bill because I'll be climbing out the bathroom window to get away from you" either.


----------



## ladylaker

3Xnocharm said:


> I just let the guy I have been dating know that I would like to be exclusive, and am waiting for his reply. Ugh, this sh!t is hard!


Open communication and being honest with him AND Yourself is ALWAYS good. You basically let him know how you feel. Men do not relay their feelings the same way. Most men feel that their actions instead of words are more clear to us. However, many men's actions are very subtle and many of us women have a difficult time with that language. 

I'm not trying to make men sound ignorant, non-expressive, unfeeling or simple minded but sometimes you have to ask a more subtle way, starting with less demanding questions. This put him on the spot and possibly cornered him. Men tend to back off when cornered. 

You may just simply let him know that you are not seeing anyone else and you'd like to see if there's a bit more to your relationship and that you'd like to concentrate on him only and get to know him better on a one-on-one sort of way. 

This MAY take the pressure off him, and ease him into answering your underlying question of if he's seeing others.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

COGypsy said:


> But that is still all the information that you have to go on. You can't assume that "I don't feel chemistry" means "I don't feel chemistry yet--although I'll be willing to consider your case after a couple of hours in the trapeze room at the no-tell motel" and more than you can assume that "I don't feel chemistry" means "Hope you brought money for the bill because I'll be climbing out the bathroom window to get away from you" either.


So, fear of the unknown asserts itself, and then we play it safe. And could possibly miss out on one helluva relationship.

If we had six months to live, I wonder if our decisions and thought processes would change. 

Hmmmm....


----------



## 2galsmom

No. Chemistry is that, CHEMISTRY and it is not going to happen.

As for all the women out there who are not "nice", they are the ones who view men as nothing but base creatures who grunt, F*** and make money. Thus, they treat you as such. 

To imply that we and not IRL is insulting. I did not catch that in HTH's post, it is early here.

I am never going on an online dating site. So you will never find me there, I do not judge those who do as they often work out but you know what? I do not enjoy dating. I know I am "supposed" to have fun with it but it was never fun and the odds of it becoming fun apres 40 is very slim.

I do not want to waste my time with a multidater and experience has taught me that I should not F*** a man who tells me to my face that he does not feel my chemistry.

I don't believe men do not feel chemistry until after sex, perhaps they do not bond until after sex but they are visually programmed and when they see a woman they know if they feel something for her or not.

You seem to be on the fence 3x, willing to be talked into giving this dude more of your time and your life. Do not waste your time.

Ruthless = making critical decisions faster

Adios Pal still stands in my opinion.

True. Not all men say what they mean and you should avoid these men!

YOU DESERVE BETTER! You are trying to "make" this work and you have not even had sex with him! You cannot "make" chemistry or love work.

Next . . .


----------



## COGypsy

ThreeStrikes said:


> So, fear of the unknown asserts itself, and then we play it safe. And could possibly miss out on one helluva relationship.
> 
> If we had six months to live, I wonder if our decisions and thought processes would change.
> 
> Hmmmm....


Absolutely not. Where people shoot themselves in the foot dating though is making up elaborate back stories to justify their behavior. You have to take what people have _actually_ said and _actually_ done in your interactions into account. 

In a situation like 3x, you can't assume from words on a screen that there was some emotional epiphany that happened between "no chemistry" and "making out" anymore than you can assume that "no chemistry" means "until you put out". Things like how long they've gone out, how flirtatious and heated have previous dates and conversations been, how much do they interact in general about regular get to know you stuff....and that's even more important if you're actually getting feelings involved in the relationship.


----------



## Jellybeans

2galsmom said:


> I do not want to waste my time with a multidater and experience has taught me that I should not F*** a man who tells me to my face that he does not feel my chemistry.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## ThreeStrikes

If a man has dated you more than once, he either feels chemistry or the potential for chemistry. 

Hullo?


----------



## badcompany

vi_bride04 said:


> Look, guys want sex. Period. Exclusive, not exclusive, emotionally available or not, THEY WANT SEX. Its what they are wired for.
> 
> Just b/c a guy has sex with you does NOT mean there are feelings.
> 
> If the guy is saying there is no chemistry, he means he has no romantic feelings for you whatsoever.
> 
> He will still have sex with you though. Don't mistake willingness to engage in the nasty as willing to be exclusive even after you had "the talk" with him.
> 
> Some guys see "the talk" as their way in. Happened to my sister all the time. Says she wants exclusivity, the guy agrees, they make out a few times, have sex. She never gets another call.


I disagree...not all of us are like this. I can't, and don't want to go down on someone that isn't exclusive (ewwww!). Putting latex and plastic wrap between all your good parts isn't sex worth having, IMO.


----------



## 2galsmom

EnjoliWoman said:


> Although I have to admit the times there wasn't chemistry on the guys' side it didn't grow. Although in one instance on my side it DID grow.


Were these relationships healthy? How do you know it grew?

I don't want to look like I contradicted myself, by relax about sex I mean don't think it is the be all end all. Don't put arbitrary regulations in place like no sex until date 3. Why not 4 or 7? Etc

His loss 3x. I still say find someone who thinks you're hot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vi_bride04

ThreeStrikes said:


> If a man has dated you more than once, he either feels chemistry or the potential for chemistry.
> 
> Hullo?


Or he just wants to get into your pants


----------



## Jellybeans

Vi-Bride speaketh the truth!


----------



## EnjoliWoman

2galsmom said:


> Were these relationships healthy? How do you know it grew?
> 
> I don't want to look like I contradicted myself, by relax about sex I mean don't think it is the be all end all. Don't put arbitrary regulations in place like no sex until date 3. Why not 4 or 7? Etc
> 
> His loss 3x. I still say find someone who thinks you're hot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know with the guys they were either into me or not. One guy asked for a third date but I wasn't that into him/didn't feel chemistry so we remained friends. During the time we hung out as friends my attraction for him grew as I got to know him better. So I didn't start out feeling anything for him but eventually I did.

As to whether they would have been healthy relationships - I don't know as they never developed due to lack of chemistry. With the guy above, we did finally take it to the next level but by then he felt fully in the friend zone and had put aside any initial feelings so basically it was a couple nights of FWB, it got weird and now we're back just friends. Oddly he has been calling an inordinate amount but now I'm over it since I discovered he is very NON oral. Even kissing. I must have a good kisser! Sort of unfortunate as we are SO compatible every other way and completely enjoy each others' company (and he's hung like a horse).

I have read it takes 3 dates to see if there is chemistry/attraction. Sometimes it's immediate but other times both people are nervous and by date three really relax and let the 'real' person shine through. So I always go for up to 3 dates if the guy wants to.


----------



## Jellybeans

I like your 3-date rule, Enjoli. Sometimes we can be so nervous upon meeting someone that we're awkward. 

With that said, I generally will not go out with a man unless I feel some attraction to him/chemistry with him. I don't like to waste peoples' times so I am pretty open/honest about it with them.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Jellybeans said:


> I like your 3-date rule, Enjoli. Sometimes we can be so nervous upon meeting someone that we're awkward.
> 
> With that said, I generally will not go out with a man unless I feel some attraction to him/chemistry with him. I don't like to waste peoples' times so I am pretty open/honest about it with them.


Oh if he has lied about his age/looks or I find anything about him UNattractive I politely say no thanks. But if I'm just - meh - I go for a couple more.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

vi_bride04 said:


> Or he just wants to get into your pants


PUA guys that just want in your pants talk about sex on date 1, and push hard for sex on date 2. If they sense it's not going to happen, they bolt.

3x's beau doesn't seem to fit the pic, but who knows?


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Jellybeans said:


> Vi-Bride speaketh the truth!


Heh. We see what we want to see.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

ThreeStrikes said:


> PUA guys that just want in your pants talk about sex on date 1, and push hard for sex on date 2. If they sense it's not going to happen, they bolt.
> 
> 3x's beau doesn't seem to fit the pic, but who knows?


No, this isnt him. If a guy came at me like that on date 1, there would be no date 2! _"Its just you and your hand tonight!"_


----------



## ThreeStrikes

3x, 

You haven't given us much info on your guy (unless I missed it).

Does he currently date other women?

How many times have you dated?

Has the topic of sex come up very much?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

ThreeStrikes said:


> 3x,
> 
> You haven't given us much info on your guy (unless I missed it).
> 
> Does he currently date other women?
> 
> How many times have you dated?
> 
> Has the topic of sex come up very much?



He says that he hasnt dated anyone else in the time that we have been seeing each other. We have gotten together five times in the last two weeks, chatted for about two weeks before we met in person. And the last time we got together was the first time that we talked openly about sex. There had been a few things mentioned here or there, kind of relating past experiences, etc.

I was a little leery, because he really was not being flirty with me, or complimenting me..I had to initiate the first touch. So yeah, I was confused, because he texted and called me often, seemed eager to see me, and even had me over to his house, which is evidently something that doesnt usually happen for him. So I had been getting mixed signals, as you can see. I am letting him make first contact, and he texted several times yesterday. I have not heard from him today yet.


----------



## Jellybeans

3Xnocharm said:


> I was a little leery, because he really was not being flirty with me, or complimenting me..I had to initiate the first touch. So yeah, I was confused, because he texted and called me often, seemed eager to see me, and even had me over to his house, which is evidently something that doesnt usually happen for him. So I had been getting mixed signals, as you can see.


Yea that would be confusing. If a guy isn't receptive to me I guess I'd wonder if he was into me. (the touch thing). Especially after hanging out so often. But I guess with him telling you he doesn't feel chemistry, that may explain that. Maybe he was just looking for someone nice to spend time with? Idk.

I sympathize, girl.

But know this: you are hot mama and deserve to be with a man who is going to SWOON over you and tell you he does feel the chemistry with you. Ooh la la. He's still out there!


----------



## Twistedheart

I read a little bit but not all of this thread. From a male pov and may have already been covered, but I think he isn't ready to close that door yet. He may in the same shoes most people that are dating are in. To give the next potential long term relationship a lot of time to develope.

You may have scared him off a bit with the exclusivity subject and he didn't feel he was at that point with you yet. So his best "panic" answer was to throw out the chemistry thing. lol he definitely wasn't ready to "commit" this quick.

It seems like you have been having a great time with the dude. Keep having a great time with him and give more time to develope. For both of you. Of course i'm no expert but i'd be quick to back off from any demands. Especially after a long time relationship had ended.


----------



## CEL

ThreeStrikes said:


> Not all guys say what they mean and mean what they say, as Cel asserts.
> 
> It's not that simple.
> 
> Has it occurred to anyone that, when 3x's boyfriend said he didn't feel chemistry, that he meant he didn't feel chemistry *yet*.
> 
> Maybe he's like a lot of guys, who need to experience sex with the woman to see if there is sexual chemistry. Then he might be willing to commit to exclusivity.
> 
> Maybe your idea and his idea of chemistry are not the same.
> 
> Thoughts to consider


I can honestly say I have NEVER met a guy who said "until" now I need to fvck her to decide if I want to continue to see her. 

Take a step back this is like speed fvcking instead if speed dating. You screw a person and if it goes okay you date them. Nope never come across it. If you offer a guy will take you up on it but that just means he is horny. I have never ever come across a guy that met a girl he did not feel chemistry with then slept with her and they went on to having a relationship. Yes I gave met guys who kept sleeping with them. After all they offered and where fun to be around but once a girl came around they did feel that for they left.


----------



## CEL

ThreeStrikes said:


> Hey, they call it the dance of romance for a reason
> 
> Back and forth...
> 
> I think it's a game of chicken. Who will stick to their guns? Who will cave first. Power struggle. Hee hee.
> 
> And the game is always afoot...


No not for me. Not every guy is like this. You are talking about gaming women to get laid not finding a relationship. Not for me I have no problems getting sex without gaming women.


----------



## Jellybeans

CEL said:


> I can honestly say I have NEVER met a guy who said "until" now I need to fvck her to decide if I want to continue to see her.


:rofl:


----------



## CEL

ThreeStrikes said:


> If a man has dated you more than once, he either feels chemistry or the potential for chemistry.
> 
> Hullo?


Nope not at all. I have dated women I had no chemistry with. Or let's fine tune this I have gone to movies, over to their house and out to dinner. You know why? I enjoyed their company did not want something romantic with them "was honest about it as well" but they did. We had a lot if fun but it was not the right thing to do so I broke it off. Oh and sex was on the table I declined.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

I was only being sarcastic when I told you F his brains out. There's not a women alive who hasn't liked a guy before and sleep with them to never hear from them again or got dumped soon afterwards.

He's already said NO CHEMISTRY. YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT FOR HIM. So how being a women you have to decide if your willing to have fun together and risk your heart when he moves on. Or tell him you aren't looking for the same things right now and you move on. After all you are 43. Do you want fun for the night? Or lifetime? 

I know it's difficult choice. The truth is powerful when we admitt it to ourselves. 

I allowed a guy into my life for over one year. I wasn't really feeling any chemisty and I thought as time went I WOULD. Never happened 

I ended up telling him I wasn't feeling it and I was sooo sorry. But long as I was with him I was stopping myself from finding what I NEED as a women. I didn't break up with him for anyone. Matter of fact...I wanted a break, plus MY SPACE back. 

I know now being alone better then being with a wrong person. I am a-ok with that. 

Found a beautiful song for you. Get yourself as bottle of wine...call the girlfriends over and laugh. This too shall pass. 


I Can't Make You Love Me Lyrics 

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel somethin' it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see 
The love you don't feel when you're holdin' me
Mornin' will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel somethin' it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't


----------



## angelpixie

hereinthemidwest said:


> There's not a women alive who hasn't liked a guy before and sleep with them to never hear from them again or got dumped soon afterwards.


I beg your pardon.  

And I don't feel like I missed out on anything in not having done that, either.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

angelpixie said:


> I beg your pardon.
> 
> And I don't feel like I missed out on anything in not having done that, either.


Psst: you AREN'T missing anything!

Hey - aren't you seeing a new fellow who has some potential? DISH!


----------



## ThreeStrikes

CEL said:


> I can honestly say I have NEVER met a guy who said "until" now I need to fvck her to decide if I want to continue to see her.
> 
> Take a step back this is like speed fvcking instead if speed dating. You screw a person and if it goes okay you date them. Nope never come across it. If you offer a guy will take you up on it but that just means he is horny. I have never ever come across a guy that met a girl he did not feel chemistry with then slept with her and they went on to having a relationship. Yes I gave met guys who kept sleeping with them. After all they offered and where fun to be around but once a girl came around they did feel that for they left.


The issue was about sexual exclusivity, not whether or not a guy would continue to *see* a gal.

This has nothing to do with speed fvcking, whatever that is.

We can't change the basic premise of an argument in order to support our logic.

As I stated early in the thread, I would not promise exclusivity unless I have had sex with a woman. Because sex is an important part of a relationship for me. If there is not sexual chemistry, then there is no exclusivity for me. The gal will probably be relegated to friend status.

There are plenty of men like me. 

Chemistry means different things to different people, and seems to be the crux of the confusion here.

Chemistry can be sexual, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, etc.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

CEL said:


> Nope not at all. I have dated women I had no chemistry with. Or let's fine tune this I have gone to movies, over to their house and out to dinner. You know why? I enjoyed their company did not want something romantic with them "was honest about it as well" but they did. We had a lot if fun but it was not the right thing to do so I broke it off. Oh and sex was on the table I declined.


Exactly. You dated them because you saw potential for chemistry. It turned out there wasn't chemistry, so you broke it off.

Guys will not continue to "date" a gal if there is no chemistry, or potential for chemistry.

Thanks for proving my point


----------



## Jellybeans

hereinthemidwest said:


> I ended up telling him I wasn't feeling it and I was sooo sorry. But long as I was with him I was stopping myself from finding what I NEED as a women.



The absolute truth. I had an aunt tell me once, many years ago, "As long as you stay with the wrong guy, you are never going to find the right guy." 

She is a smart woman.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

my bad....99% of women of alive has


----------



## Jellybeans

CEL said:


> No not for me. Not every guy is like this. You are talking about gaming women to get laid not finding a relationship. Not for me I have no problems getting sex without gaming women.





CEL said:


> Nope not at all. I have dated women I had no chemistry with. Or let's fine tune this I have gone to movies, over to their house and out to dinner. You know why? I enjoyed their company did not want something romantic with them "was honest about it as well" but they did. We had a lot if fun but it was not the right thing to do so I broke it off. Oh and sex was on the table I declined.


I like you.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

3Xnocharm said:


> He says that he hasnt dated anyone else in the time that we have been seeing each other. We have gotten together five times in the last two weeks, chatted for about two weeks before we met in person. And the last time we got together was the first time that we talked openly about sex. There had been a few things mentioned here or there, kind of relating past experiences, etc.
> 
> I was a little leery, because he really was not being flirty with me, or complimenting me..I had to initiate the first touch. So yeah, I was confused, because he texted and called me often, seemed eager to see me, and even had me over to his house, which is evidently something that doesnt usually happen for him. So I had been getting mixed signals, as you can see. I am letting him make first contact, and he texted several times yesterday. I have not heard from him today yet.


I wonder if this guy is just shy? I don't see anything negative here. He's not out there screwing other women....

I wouldn't write him off so quickly.


----------



## angelpixie

ThreeStrikes said:


> The issue was about sexual exclusivity, not whether or not a guy would continue to *see* a gal.
> 
> This has nothing to do with speed fvcking, whatever that is.
> 
> We can't change the basic premise of an argument in order to support our logic.
> 
> As I stated early in the thread, I would not promise exclusivity unless I have had sex with a woman. Because sex is an important part of a relationship for me. If there is not sexual chemistry, then there is no exclusivity for me. The gal will probably be relegated to friend status.
> 
> There are plenty of men like me.
> 
> Chemistry means different things to different people, and seems to be the crux of the confusion here.
> 
> Chemistry can be sexual, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, etc.





ThreeStrikes said:


> Exactly. You dated them because you saw potential for chemistry. It turned out there wasn't chemistry, so you broke it off.
> 
> Guys will not continue to "date" a gal if there is no chemistry, or potential for chemistry.
> 
> Thanks for proving my point


We know how you feel, 3S. You and I got into it quite heavily a while back in the Singles of TAM thread, too. You feel that having sex with woman is part of the vetting process before you declare exclusivity. That's your choice. That's how you are. That's fine for you.

The problem I have (and others, too, from what I've gathered) is the dismissive tone you give to others who disagree with you. You tell us we have problems, that we're uptight, that we're just acting a certain way because we've been programmed to, or that we are afraid to do anything other than what we were taught as kids. You will not accept that others can have a different viewpoint from you, and different needs than you have, and be healthy people. You are as rigid as you accuse others of being. 

I don't think you need to go all the way to sleeping with someone in order to tell if there's a physical or sexual chemistry with them. If you're talking about technique as a lover, then yes, you really only know that if you sleep with them. But that's not the same as chemistry, either.


----------



## Jellybeans

angelpixie said:


> I don't think you need to go all the way to sleeping with someone in order to tell if there's a physical or sexual chemistry with them.
> 
> But that's not the same as chemistry, either.


I so agree with this. And the reason is that when there is chemistry, the handsy-pandsy is even better. A connection makes everything sooo much sweeter.


----------



## CEL

EnjoliWoman said:


> Psst: you AREN'T missing anything!
> 
> Hey - aren't you seeing a new fellow who has some potential? DISH!



I keep saying she needs to have this guy come on here so we can vet him.  She is probably afraid we will regale him with stories of her early days and embarrass her. Seriously tho what is the guy like?

I find you lack of gossiping to be...disturbing. LOL


----------



## vi_bride04

Come on, Angel isnt going to kiss and tell, she is way too classy for that


----------



## ThreeStrikes

angelpixie said:


> We know how you feel, 3S. *You and I got into it quite heavily a while back in the Singles of TAM thread, too. *
> 
> Oo-la-la! How could I forget!
> 
> You feel that having sex with woman is part of the vetting process before you declare exclusivity. *That's your choice. That's how you are. That's fine for you.*
> 
> Yep.
> 
> *The problem I have (and others, too, from what I've gathered) is the dismissive tone you give to others who disagree with you.*
> 
> I'm sorry you feel that way. I did not intend to come across as dismissive.
> 
> *You tell us we have problems, that we're uptight, that we're just acting a certain way because we've been programmed to, or that we are afraid to do anything other than what we were taught as kids. You will not accept that others can have a different viewpoint from you, and different needs than you have, and be healthy people. You are as rigid as you accuse others of being. *
> 
> I accept that others have a different viewpoint and have different needs. I've never said otherwise. Please do not put words in my mouth. I am not OK with that. I am not OK with your accusations about calling posters in this thread "uptight" and stating that they have "problems". I haven't. I did say that they were too afraid of getting their feelings hurt. I am entitled to voice my POV, as well.
> 
> *I don't think you need to go all the way to sleeping with someone in order to tell if there's a physical or sexual chemistry with them.*
> 
> I accept your POV. I have a different one.
> 
> If you're talking about technique as a lover, then yes, you really only know that if you sleep with them. But that's not the same as chemistry, either.


----------



## CEL

ThreeStrikes said:


> Jumping back in....
> 
> 3x, had you considered taking him for a test-ride before deciding to be exclusive with him?
> 
> Commenting on H2H's post:
> 
> I think that the nice ladies posting here aren't really representative of what's out there IRL. The hang-up about sex isn't as extreme, IME.
> 
> But, like I said earlier, we all make our own little rules.


Listen I get what you are trying to say but it is not translating well. Calling a persons opinion or way of life a hang up is not ever going to be diplomatic. You have other posts that are like this as well. I know you don't mean to come of as dismissive but it translates that way. 

I am not saying I dislike your point of view I would just like it if you toned down some of these comments to the otherside. I am really sure you would not appreciate me calling your way of life a hang up. When you do that it has the connotation that it is something we need to get over. That is not going to come off well in any setting.


----------



## angelpixie

3S, your posts here and in the Singles thread did not give the impression that you thought that it was just as valid for people to wait for an emotional connection before sex. You mentioned fear in terms of programming (being thought of as a slvt, for example), not just about fear of getting hurt. You have treated our desire for an emotional connection as something we need to get over or fix. It's not a huge leap to believe you see this as a problem, or else why would someone need to get over it?

I have not felt that you have accepted my viewpoint as valid, based on the dismissive tone I mentioned earlier. I am fine with friendly debate, and I enjoy getting into a good give-and-take. Just so long as it's based on respect, and truly believing that others can have different viewpoints that are not somehow dysfunctional just because they're different from each other's. If that's really the way you feel, great! :smthumbup: Then I'd ask you to please refrain from telling people that they don't want to have sex without a commitment or emotional connection because there is something wrong with the way they think. And that is definitely the way you come across. 

I mean, I don't believe that just because you have your 'sex within 3 dates, more or less' rule p) or your 'no exclusivity until I know she's good in bed' rule p) that you are wrong or bad or unhealthy. As long as you're honest and upfront with the woman, that's totally cool with me. I don't think you're out to hurt anyone.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

I'll stand by what I said in my third post.

I'm an a$$. 

And brutally blunt. If I make you question your rationalizations? Great! If you think I'm nuts? Great too.

3x, don't be so quick to dump this guy. 

And as angelpixie was so polite to point out, everyone knows where I stand.

Carry on....


----------



## 3Xnocharm

ThreeStrikes said:


> 3x, don't be so quick to dump this guy.


Thanks TS! I'm all for letting this play out.


----------



## livinfree

CEL said:


> Nope not at all. I have dated women I had no chemistry with. Or let's fine tune this I have gone to movies, over to their house and out to dinner. You know why? I enjoyed their company did not want something romantic with them "was honest about it as well" but they did. We had a lot if fun but it was not the right thing to do so I broke it off. Oh and sex was on the table I declined.


Yep. Same here. 

And yes, sex before exclusivity is important for me. 

There could be deal breakers between the sheets.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks for the insightful post, CEL!


YES...Cel post is telling you the TRUTH. Now you have to decide if you want to play his way or yours. 

You already digging this dude. Giving away the cookie is only going to make you hurt feel used and be angry at yourself when he moves on.


----------



## vi_bride04

I sometimes wish I needed that emotional connection before sleeping with someone....to me sex is sex and for physical pleasure. If I am attracted to them I can do it.

Maybe Im more broken than I realize... :scratchhead:


----------



## 2galsmom

hereinthemidwest said:


> my bad....99% of women of alive has


:rofl: Finally. I am not the outlier. And you know what? Thank GOD you never saw them again!


Will a man date a woman three times if he doesn't feel "it"? It would appear so in that "dating" is a distraction from the real issues for many people after divorce or heartache. Are you a distraction 3X? I think not.

Also, I am still :rofl: at a few of the posts.

Anyway. 

Here's the deal people. 

Take it from me, I KNOW what you should not do. That is you should NOT decide you want to be married, have a relationship or exclusive arrangement and then go out and interview for the job and then find a suitable candidate that will be okay and perhaps get better with time.

Instead I suggest being comfortable living your life and open to a person who comes along and wanting to be with that PERSON, as opposed to making a relationship or marriage as the goal.

Does this make sense?

You should want to be with the dude, and yet we have heard nothing really about the dude and how fabulous he is, how funny, handsome, smart or intelligent or whatever. And the title of the thread is I think I am going to throw up not I think I met a wonderful man or I think I am going to . . .

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

The vetting . . .


----------



## COGypsy

vi_bride04 said:


> I sometimes wish I needed that emotional connection before sleeping with someone....to me sex is sex and for physical pleasure. If I am attracted to them I can do it.
> 
> Maybe Im more broken than I realize... :scratchhead:


I'm the same way. I don't think I'm particularly broken. I know that I'm not a particularly emotional person in general. If I ever went to the people that know me best and said I was head over heels in love, they'd have me committed! I'm just not extreme in any emotion. I have a long fuse, love comes slowly with other people, I'm not easily swayed by requests or arguments that are supposed to tug on the heartstrings. It's just not who I am. I have always just figured that given my approach to the rest of my life, it would be weirder to have some deep tie between sex, love and romance.

I'm fully aware how weird I am, I just don't think it makes me broken!


----------



## 2galsmom

Please. Neither of you are broken. In fact there is pressure nowadays just to have sex for the sake of sex. Look, face it, ANYONE can do it, it takes no skill whatsoever. 

But I also think it is FINE however if the person does NOT want to have sex with anyone except a person that there is an established trust, communication and emotion with, they are probably better off in the long run.

I guess I vet too, if a person tells me they are an ass and feel they can do as they please with no apologies, then by all means I listen.


----------



## angelpixie

CEL said:


> I keep saying she needs to have this guy come on here so we can vet him.  She is probably afraid we will regale him with stories of her early days and embarrass her. Seriously tho what is the guy like?
> 
> I find you lack of gossiping to be...disturbing. LOL


Well aren't you a Nosy Nellie.


----------



## CEL

angelpixie said:


> Well aren't you a Nosy Nellie.


Yep always been that way.  No really I am super glad for you as others have said you deserve it. You seem to have put in the work to get right with yourself before getting into a relationship so I hope that it all pays off for you. I think I speak for a lot of people who you have helped that we are all routing for you.

Now that your clever side step is taken care of, we have heard how one TAM womens guy is hung like a horse since you don't mention it I am guessing the animal in question is shall we say smaller.....say starts with an m and ends with and e. LOL

Just joking really kinda bored at work so if this crosses any lines let me know I will delete it. Still hella funny tho.


----------



## angelpixie

Well now, if I don't kiss and tell, do you really think I'd tell about ... anything else?  You guys and your 'comparing', lol.


----------



## CEL

angelpixie said:


> Well now, if I don't kiss and tell, do you really think I'd tell about ... anything else?  You guys and your 'comparing', lol.


LOL toche. Reminds me of a story I was in a hot tub at a party hell years ago anyway it was me and two other guys and 2 women all naked of course because hey if you got a hot tube who the hell uses suits? Anyway the guy who owned the house comes out and it just happens that we where talking about measuring and who had the biggest well you know. The girls where really in depth and it was getting to the point of actually doing something about it. So this guy comes out and he just gets his pants unbuttoned when he hears the tale end of this he asks "Hey what are you guys talking about?" and one of the women says "Oh we are going to see who has the the biggest dvck?" This guy buttoned up his pants so fast I seriously was worried that we might have an reenactment of that scene in Something About Mary Be Warned

Turns out that it never got to that point but I still remember it to this day. LOL.


----------



## GinnyTonia

I'm so on the fence about exclusivity. I would like mutual respect from someone I go to bed with. 
But one of my must-haves is HD or at least MD, and one of my deal breakers is squeamish in bed. Those things can be discussed before getting physical, but natural bedroom chemistry or real hang-ups I feel can only be discovered in real time. 
Maybe this isn't necessarily a conflict, but I feel bad about saying "yes, let's be exclusive if we rock in the sack, if not, meh."


----------



## angelpixie

CEL said:


> LOL toche. Reminds me of a story I was in a hot tub at a party hell years ago anyway it was me and two other guys and 2 women all naked of course because hey if you got a hot tube who the hell uses suits? Anyway the guy who owned the house comes out and it just happens that we where talking about measuring and who had the biggest well you know. The girls where really in depth and it was getting to the point of actually doing something about it. So this guy comes out and he just gets his pants unbuttoned when he hears the tale end of this he asks "Hey what are you guys talking about?" and one of the women says "Oh we are going to see who has the the biggest dvck?" This guy buttoned up his pants so fast I seriously was worried that we might have an reenactment of that scene in Something About Mary Be Warned
> 
> Turns out that it never got to that point but I still remember it to this day. LOL.


Your life experiences are far more interesting and lively than mine.  I will step aside and leave the story-telling to you. :rofl:


----------



## PieceOfSky

*Re: Re: I think I'm gonna throw up...*



EnjoliWoman said:


> I guess I don't have much of that. As I said earlier, I figured the guy's feelings could change after their heart-to-heart. CEL was very clear, however, in how a guy thinks. I have a hard time grasping that but men have always been a mystery. Lack of common sense - maybe.
> 
> I just didn't grow up around a lot of men. Didn't understand boys, never dated or even went to school functions, etc where I could understand them. Predominantly female college. Dated a handful of guys before I married; fast-forward 15 years and have dated another handful of men. So the gender pretty much has me confused.
> 
> I 'get' that CEL laid it out very straight forward and may seem like common sense but it's not common for me. I do have a tendency to read too much into stuff and have tried not to. Probably why I haven't ventured back out there after the last guy.




There is no such thing as "how a guy thinks". Gender schmender. We guys are not all alike. 

A guy's feelings could change after a heart-to-heart. Mine do on a daily basis after just a heart-to-frozenheart. (Imo…, mine is the warm one, not my wife's.) 

A guy can be lonely, and give in to a chance for an affectionate-feeling touch, a chance to look into a caring person's eyes, and feel some sort of connection even if his rational mind would shout, given the chance, that "Dude, this is not what we want!"

I have no idea what happened in this guy's mind. The only chance 3x has of knowing is to ask him, listen to his words, and watch his behavior. This takes time, and may or may not be worth it.

Btw, EW, I am confused generally. I never dated even handfuls in my day, and that put me at a great disadvantage. There's something to be said for seeking more exposure to members of the interesting sex by dates with handfuls or more, as long as no one is confused about the expectations and degree of exclusivity. Even sex, if both heads are in the right place. Because not knowing the range of possibilities in how potential life-long partners can behave (by no means focusing on sexuality here but that is important here too) it is too easy to accept less than one deserves. One can easily have a skewed view of "normal" or what is possible. Even once a commitment like a marriage or kids is made, having self-doubts about what is normal/enough from a partner can lead to acceptance of much less.

Speaking to myself mostly there. But don't stop looking based on a few handfuls would be my advice to anyone, especially my two girls as they reach a certain age.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Ok, UPDATE! 

Sooo, there will be those disappointed in me, but we got together yesterday, and I went against what I usually do, and had sex with him!  It wasnt to manipulate him, it wasnt because he pushed me (he didnt), it was strictly because I wanted to! And it was good, one of the best first times I've had! If it goes no further, then at least I had some fun, right??


----------



## EnjoliWoman

You made a decision knowing the facts. And had some fun!  No bashing from this corner.


----------



## Jellybeans

All is fair in love and sex, 3x. 

I just hope you won't get hurt. And that you used protection.


----------



## Jellybeans

Oh and I hope it was good.


----------



## Twistedheart

There are no rules except to make yourself happy. And it seems like you were successful...lol


----------



## 2galsmom

Good luck 3xnocharm. I hope you are happy with your decision and remain happy.


----------



## badcompany

Facepalm


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Thanks guys, I did expect a facepalm or 10, BC!


----------



## GinnyTonia

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks guys, I did expect a facepalm or 10, BC!


Imma give you a high five. 
You did exactly what you wanted. 
Might this complicate things? Sure, but I think going with the flow can feel better and have similar results as having a strategy and playing games as long as everyone is forthright.


----------



## badcompany

To each their own I guess.
I have a co-worker that relocated to us, said he got more action putting his **** pic up on CL than he did from dating sites.....it's a sad world out there. Funny thing was the 2nd gal was great all around and just couldn't meet anyone with her work and parenting schedule, and ended up being a keeper. That's worth another facepalm.


----------



## CEL

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok, UPDATE!
> 
> Sooo, there will be those disappointed in me, but we got together yesterday, and I went against what I usually do, and had sex with him!  It wasnt to manipulate him, it wasnt because he pushed me (he didnt), it was strictly because I wanted to! And it was good, one of the best first times I've had! If it goes no further, then at least I had some fun, right??


LOL you know what good for you! 

Here are my thoughts on it.

1. You had fun.

2. You are not hurting anyone.

3. Boundaries are funny things we put them up and we can take them down. Sometimes we have a boundary that we don't like or just does not fit for the situation so you know what we take it down. And that is okay and a good adult thing to do.

We are all still here for you and we all still support you. Don't be stranger at least you are talking about your guy....."looking at you angelpixie"


----------



## angelpixie




----------



## angelpixie

This _is_ 3x's thread after all.


----------



## lisab0105

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks guys, I did expect a facepalm or 10, BC!


So he got you to make out with him after telling you he didn't feel the chemistry and two days later you slept with him...no exclusivity in sight...this man is Joey Tribioni's god. 

3x, you may think you're all good in the hood, but when he cuts you loose...it will hurt. You won't want it too and you're going to put up a strong front and say "Eh, whatever. I got good sex out of it." But it's going to sting because you gave yourself to a guy that didn't earn it. I'm not judging you, I just hate seeing guys like that win.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThreeStrikes

3Xnocharm said:


> Nope, thats not how I work. I dont do casual sex. Period. Nor do I use it as a weapon or reward.


A guy could say he will be exclusive, have sex, and still leave, multi-date, whatever. There is always a risk.

She wanted to have sex with the guy.

She already said she wasn't going to "reward" him by making him "earn" it with the promise of exclusivity.

She wanted it, he wanted it. Two consenting adults. She enjoyed it.

High 5 from me, 3x. But then, you already knew that


----------



## lisab0105

ThreeStrikes said:


> A guy could say he will be exclusive, have sex, and still leave, multi-date, whatever. There is always a risk.
> 
> She wanted to have sex with the guy.
> 
> She already said she wasn't going to "reward" him by making him "earn" it with the promise of exclusivity.
> 
> She wanted it, he wanted it. Two consenting adults. She enjoyed it.
> 
> High 5 from me, 3x. But then, you already knew that


Its not about rewards, its about having standards in a time when people have thrown standards out the window when it comes to dating. Its about earning trust and respect. Its about sharing something with someone that has reciprocal feelings. He could of told her what she wanted to hear and still dropped kicked her when he got his fill, but that would be entirely on him. She wouldn't have regrets because she stuck to her standards, he just turned out to be a prick. Unfortunately, he swooned her enough to make her drop her ideals just to have a roll with him. I'm going to bet there is a part of her now (a part that she won't even admit to herself) that is thinking "He must be feeling the chemistry now. This will go somewhere." But reality is, chemistry isn't a requirement to get laid, and he still isn't feeling it. He is just hanging out until he does meet the girl he wants to be exclusive with. Maybe I am entirely full of it...but I dont think I am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EnjoliWoman

When did P turn into gold? I just don't see the big deal. If both people enjoy it and both people know where they stand. She didn't tell him she wouldn't have sex unless they were exclusive - she only said she wanted to be exclusive. She got her answer and thought 'eh, I want to have sex anyway'. 

I don't see why it has to be a 'prize' that someone gives or gets. It's a mutual thing. He didn't 'get' more than she did from the exchange.

I think both men and women need to stop having such a problem with women's sexuality. The double standard et al. It removes all of the power from the P as it should be. 

Is sex better with a long term trusted intimate partner you love - sometimes. Can sex be hotter when it's a non-judgemental roll in the hay? Sometimes. 

I'm on team 3x either way.


----------



## lisab0105

EnjoliWoman said:


> When did P turn into gold? I just don't see the big deal. If both people enjoy it and both people know where they stand. She didn't tell him she wouldn't have sex unless they were exclusive - she only said she wanted to be exclusive. She got her answer and thought 'eh, I want to have sex anyway'.
> 
> I don't see why it has to be a 'prize' that someone gives or gets. It's a mutual thing. He didn't 'get' more than she did from the exchange.
> 
> I think both men and women need to stop having such a problem with women's sexuality. The double standard et al. It removes all of the power from the P as it should be.
> 
> Is sex better with a long term trusted intimate partner you love - sometimes. Can sex be hotter when it's a non-judgemental roll in the hay? Sometimes.
> 
> I'm on team 3x either way.


This isn't about 3x being "gold" or fragile. Its about her saying she won't give it up to someone if she is not exclusive with. She gets turned down but sleeps with him any way? Its her life, her perogative, but let's not be naive or start talking about woman empowerment here because that's not what this is about. 3x really likes this guy and going with the flow is not easy when you really like someone. Especially when you know that flow isn't really going any where.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GinnyTonia

lisab0105 said:


> ...let's not be naive or start talking about woman empowerment here because that's not what this is about. 3x really likes this guy and going with the flow is not easy when you really like someone. Especially when you know that flow isn't really going any where.


I agree that it is risky and that attachment and/or possessiveness can be more of a problem after sex. But it is still just upping the stakes from an already risky adventure. If he's an a$$ and is patting his own back, then nothing could help that. I guess from her tone I get the feeling that the OP didn't let herself get taken advantage of. 

3X, do you have any feelings yet as to whether it was worth it or not?


----------



## PieceOfSky

My view:

It is easier when both are in the same place, moving in the same direction, and at the same speed. It is more uncomfortable, and presents more risk of moments of serious pain, when disparities exist yet one makes stronger connections to the other via investing time, energy, and heartfelt gifts of being vulnerable (e.g. sexual intimacy if there are feelings attached, or vowing exclusivity, or putting trust in someone) .

If paths converge, then great. If they diverge at times then it hurts at times. If they diverge permanently, then, depending on the degree of atrachment made, deeper and longer lasting pain. There are no guarantees. All one can do is keep one's eyes open and mind alert, and be willing to cut the other loose to stay on course. 

Hard to tell what is happening here. If 3x enjoyed the experience, gave herself to it freely, and has kept her eyes open before and after (during -- to each her own ), then good for her! If the experience fogs her mind -- or fogs HIS mind -- then I fear 3x is at risk of the sort of pain Lisabeth speaks of, and perhaps missed opportunities elsewhere 3x because she is definately worthy and capable of travelling in the direction she wants to go and with the sort of man that deserves her.


----------



## Mavash.

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm on team 3x either way.


Agree.

Go team 3x!!!


----------



## vi_bride04

Do you think you will be hurt if he ends up not calling again or if contact dwindles and dies? 

Hope he's not a hit it and quit it type...

Have you heard from him since?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Thanks guys! Yes I have heard from him every day since, he still initiates contact. I went into this with my eyes wide open. Sometimes you regret the things you dont do, and I decided he was one of those things!  I will feel this out for a while, and if it wont move in the right direction for me, then I will end it. I had enough of a physical attraction to step around my own boundary for a change, so if nothing else, it will be a learning experience.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

CEL said:


> 3. Boundaries are funny things we put them up and we can take them down. Sometimes we have a boundary that we don't like or just does not fit for the situation so you know what we take it down. And that is okay and a good adult thing to do.





3Xnocharm said:


> I had enough of a physical attraction to step around my own boundary for a change, so if nothing else, it will be a learning experience.


I got the feeling this boundary was one CEL was talking about - it can be bent to accommodate special situations.


----------



## angstire

ThreeStrikes said:


> You folks are way too afraid of getting your feelings hurt.
> 
> Just sayin...
> 
> We only live once. Go for it!
> 
> It's just frickin sex. Good grief, why put it on such a pedestal???


F#ck an A, ThreeStrikes.

Bodies were built for it, it's fun and don't cost nuthin. Be safe, enjoy, observe the Campsite Rule. GGG.


----------



## Jellybeans

PieceOfSky said:


> My view:
> 
> It is easier when both are in the same place, moving in the same direction, and at the same speed. It is more uncomfortable, and presents more risk of moments of serious pain, when disparities exist yet one makes stronger connections to the other via investing time, energy, and heartfelt gifts of being vulnerable (e.g. sexual intimacy if there are feelings attached, or vowing exclusivity, or putting trust in someone) .
> 
> If paths converge, then great. If they diverge at times then it hurts at times. If they diverge permanently, then, depending on the degree of atrachment made, deeper and longer lasting pain. There are no guarantees. All one can do is keep one's eyes open and mind alert, and be willing to cut the other loose to stay on course.


:iagree:


----------



## GinnyTonia

angstire said:


> ...observe the Campsite Rule. GGG.


Don't let your weenie fall into the fire?


----------



## angstire

G&T, that too. 

No, campsite rule is from Dav Savage's column. Leave someone after a relationship at least as good as you found them: physically and emotionally. 

GGG is good, giving and game, as in sex.


----------



## Ceegee

Just caught up on this thread.

Good for you 3x. 

I hope you continue to do what makes you happy and content.

This is a quote from another thread that applies quite nicely here.





Deejo said:


> Presume that anyone you meet for a first date is seeing other people.
> 
> Don't think about what your status is, think about whether or not both of you are becoming more invested in getting to know, and interacting with one another.
> 
> How can I say this without sounding cavalier?
> 
> Don't operate from a place of fear.
> 
> Let it be what it's meant to be. If after a few weeks of seeing one another each weekend and talking or corresponding regularly, it's fair to ask, or state that you require exclusivity. No guarantee you'll get it, no guarantee they won't lie, no guarantee they won't walk, no guarantee that they won't at that point state that they really like you, but they aren't into exclusivity.
> Pretty much just like life and love in general; no guarantees.
> 
> You usually get a pretty good sense for whether you are exclusive or not. Litmus test is simple. How into you are they? And I mean invested in getting to know you and interacting with you rather than focusing on getting you into bed.
> 
> *Which brings me to that pr!ckly subject. My opinion on sex? If you are over the age of 25, you really don't need to be concerned about your virtue any longer. If you have standards and boundaries, that's fine. If you want to have sex ... have it. The rules are just different when you're older.* - emphasis mine.


----------



## angstire

Hey 3X, how are things going with the guy?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

angstire said:


> Hey 3X, how are things going with the guy?


Meh. 

I have not seen him since last Thursday. We still chat every day (text and occasional call), but he hasnt initiated getting together again so far. (he just changed to a midnight shift so is trying to adjust to that, too, to be fair..) He is always upbeat and chatty, but he still isnt being flirty or complimentary to me. :scratchhead: If his feelings have changed at all toward me, he isnt saying. I am going to try and get us together soon and see where he is at, and if he still isnt feeling it, I am going to have to cut ties. As much as I dont want to, I am going to have to. 

This has me kinda screwed up, because usually, men fall in love with me...I have never had someone who I was seeing NOT fall for me! (please dont judge me, I really am NOT stuck up, I swear! ) Maybe its a sign that I'm just getting old.  But I am just at a loss how to conduct myself. I dont want to be pushy, but I dont want to be too aloof either. I cant expect someone to just fall at my feet, and how do you know when you have tried enough? 

I hate dating.


----------



## angstire

If you've flirted with him and you've let him know you like his vibe (by having sex with him, making out, etc.) and he isn't reciprocating, there's not any more to do. It sucks, but you probably need to move on. 

It could be the shift change, but probably not based on what you said before. 

Sorry, I was hoping it would change up for you after the sex. At least a few good months of torrid fun, anyway. 

Lots of guys out there, don't sell yourself short because of this one. Please, please, please. Guys like me are looking for girls like you. You'll find more. Chin up, little black dress and open mind.

And probably cut him loose after your next meetup if he's not pursuing you. That's really our job as guys; be naughty until we get our nose slapped and then smirk and say, "what can you expect? You're hot and I'm a guy." 

Good luck.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

angstire said:


> If you've flirted with him and you've let him know you like his vibe (by having sex with him, making out, etc.) and he isn't reciprocating, there's not any more to do. It sucks, but you probably need to move on.
> 
> It could be the shift change, but probably not based on what you said before.
> 
> Sorry, I was hoping it would change up for you after the sex. At least a few good months of torrid fun, anyway.
> 
> Lots of guys out there, don't sell yourself short because of this one. Please, please, please. Guys like me are looking for girls like you. You'll find more. Chin up, little black dress and open mind.
> 
> And probably cut him loose after your next meetup if he's not pursuing you. That's really our job as guys; be naughty until we get our nose slapped and then smirk and say, "what can you expect? You're hot and I'm a guy."
> 
> Good luck.


Thank you for that, A! >>HUG<< I'm just so bummed about this, because I really thought we would be good together! Meh.


----------



## CEL

Well I feel for ya. My guess is nothing has changed for him. To be clear he still enjoys talking to you, you are still a fun person to hang around with and do stuff with. And I am sure the sex was great. But I just get the feeling he can take you or leave you. No real drive to have you. And you know what you are a great person who deserves to have someone who is wild about you.

As for him not falling for you well as men age they just get stranger and stranger. It boggles the mind as we already start so weird but it is a fact. So I would just mark it up to him being different not any weakness or lack of hotness on your part. I am sure you are plenty hot. He just may have no idea what he wants hard to get a guy to settle on something for dinner when he is not hungry.

My advice for what it is worth is to do what you are doing try to set up a meet and listen to what he says. Also don't be quick to answer his texts and calls. Don't dodge umm but let them wait. Maybe a little distance will let him think on what he is missing.


----------



## badcompany

I think it's BOTH peoples jobs to pursue each other, if one drops the ball it's not a good thing.
Sorry it didn't work out, I'm not overly surprised though.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

CEL said:


> As for him not falling for you well as men age they just get stranger and stranger. It boggles the mind as we already start so weird but it is a fact..


I love this, thank you for this! :smthumbup: You guys are making me feel better!


----------



## badcompany

3X, I know it's hard getting turned down, but if a guy "has it" he can pull in women ~10 years younger and be all pickey-choosey.
Would you say you were of equal sex rank?


----------



## lisab0105

3X you know as well as I do...when a guy wants to see you he will see you...to hell with sleep. 

Don't initiate anything with him. You are in his friend zone and he's trying to make you a benefit


----------



## angelpixie

^^^ I agree. You took that gamble that after sex, his feelings would change. That sex might create the 'chemistry' that he said wasn't there before. It doesn't seem to have turned out that way. This person _was_ able to have sex even without chemistry. I'm sorry that it didn't turn out as you'd hoped, but you did have fun with him when you were together, so it wasn't a total loss. 

So, chalk it up to yet another "Life Lesson" lol, dust yourself off, and yell "Next!"  Here's to better luck next time!


----------



## Jellybeans

CEL said:


> As for him not falling for you well as men age they just get stranger and stranger. It boggles the mind as we already start so weird


THANK YOU FOR CONFIRMING THIS THOUGHT I HAVE ALWAYS HAD!

:rofl::rofl::smthumbup::smthumbup::lol:


----------



## Ceegee

CEL said:


> Well I feel for ya. My guess is nothing has changed for him. To be clear he still enjoys talking to you, you are still a fun person to hang around with and do stuff with. And I am sure the sex was great. But I just get the feeling he can take you or leave you. No real drive to have you. And you know what you are a great person who deserves to have someone who is wild about you.
> 
> As for him not falling for you well as men age they just get stranger and stranger. It boggles the mind as we already start so weird but it is a fact. So I would just mark it up to him being different not any weakness or lack of hotness on your part. I am sure you are plenty hot. He just may have no idea what he wants hard to get a guy to settle on something for dinner when he is not hungry.
> 
> My advice for what it is worth is to do what you are doing try to set up a meet and listen to what he says. Also don't be quick to answer his texts and calls. Don't dodge umm but let them wait. Maybe a little distance will let him think on what he is missing.


Dude, bro code???


----------



## angelpixie

Ceegee said:


> Dude, bro code???


*Busss-teddd!!! *


----------



## 2galsmom

For the love of whatever 3x, you want a man to compliment and love you. This one is not giving you what you want. Listen to Lisab0105 this time! Life is TOO SHORT to waste analyzing why this guy does not see your fabulousness.

You get what you settle for, do not settle for any more Mr. No Chemistry.


----------



## RandomDude

Ceegee said:


> Dude, bro code???





angelpixie said:


> *Busss-teddd!!! *


:rofl:


----------



## EnjoliWoman

3x - I can't believe your age has anything to do with it. (Mostly because then I'm totally screwed LOL)

I have NEVER been broken up with. I'm not a perfect 10 and guys don't always turn their heads but once they start dating me, I'm the one to always break it off from teens, through the marriage and after. Until the last guy. Quite humbling. Hurt the ego a bit.

Pick up, dust off. Your fabulousness will be obvious to the right one.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

EnjoliWoman said:


> 3x - I can't believe your age has anything to do with it. (Mostly because then I'm totally screwed LOL)
> 
> *I have NEVER been broken up with. I'm not a perfect 10 and guys don't always turn their heads but once they start dating me, I'm the one to always break it off from teens, through the marriage and after. Until the last guy. Quite humbling. Hurt the ego a bit.*
> 
> Pick up, dust off. Your fabulousness will be obvious to the right one.


OMG me too! And yes, VERY humbling in addition to heartbreaking.


----------



## Mavash.

I think learning to set your ego aside and be willing to be humbled is a good thing.

Yes it still sucks but the lesson pays off in spades if you can embrace it.

3x you're still fabulous just not to everyone and that's okay. 

Reminds me of a friend who used to brag that everyone liked her which was overall true. 

Only problem is I didn't like her so it wasn't completely factual. She's fabulous yes just not the right fit for ME. It wasn't personal. I still think she's great but I like a different personality than the one she has that's all.


----------



## lisab0105

3Xnocharm said:


> OMG me too! And yes, VERY humbling in addition to heartbreaking.


Okay, you two are making me feel totally LAME-O. Quit bragging please


----------



## Ceegee

EnjoliWoman said:


> I have NEVER been broken up with.... I'm the one to always break it off from teens, through the marriage and after.


In another thread we might ask to dig deeper into this.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

lisab0105 said:


> Okay, you two are making me feel totally LAME-O. Quit bragging please


 NOT bragging! Trust me, my last divorce more than made up for everything prior. Nothing like having your husband of less than a year, who you loved your whole life, dump your ass to go back to his drunking, cocaine-addicted, cheating first wife. Makes you feel like less than dirt.


----------



## lisab0105

3Xnocharm said:


> NOT bragging! Trust me, my last divorce more than made up for everything prior. Nothing like having your husband of less than a year, who you loved your whole life, dump your ass to go back to his drunking, cocaine-addicted, cheating first wife. Makes you feel like less than dirt.


Okay, I feel better now  Seriously, though..that sucks hard and I am sorry


----------



## 3Xnocharm

lisab0105 said:


> Okay, I feel better now  Seriously, though..that sucks hard and I am sorry


Haha, glad I could make you feel better!  Thanks though, really. The whole experience has made it harder for me to get out there, but maybe thats a good thing, right??


----------



## badcompany

Ouch that sucks 3x.
I can't really say I've been dumped, I've only had 1 serious GF that I let go and then my now stbxw.
After some first dates that weren't working I've been let go and done it myself, but it was obvious they weren't working and I don't think that counts


----------



## badcompany

Off subject, wouldn't this thread title be great for a reply to the "I'm tired of cheating" thread?


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Ceegee said:


> In another thread we might ask to dig deeper into this.


Wha..?!?! Once you go Enjoi, you never go back. 

I don't break it off before it gets scary, etc. No deep-seated emotional issues, etc.

First couple of teen loves I realized we had different life goals - I wanted different things out of life; another was just too casual about our relationship and I didn't see it going anywhere, you know - the natural progression. 

The marriage I left due to abuse, mostly verbal - the NPD ex who was right about everything - I tried to be a good wife for nearly 15 years before I couldn't take it anymore. 

After marriage, sometimes it's just one date and he wants to see me again and I say not interested. Not proud of a few ONS that they wanted to see me again and inside I was "WTH was I THINKING?!?!"

But the guy last year was the only one who ever dumped me. It was very weird to feel undesirable in a relationship. I can look back now and say it was a good thing - I don't think our sex drives were compatible. He was the first LD guy I'd met - didn't think they existed until him.


----------



## Jellybeans

I wanted to respond yesterday but was running off quickly.



CEL said:


> My guess is nothing has changed for him.
> 
> But I just get the feeling he can take you or leave you. No real drive to have you. And you know what you are a great person who deserves to have someone who is wild about you.
> 
> He just may have no idea what he wants hard to get a guy to settle on something for dinner when he is not hungry.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Yes!!!! I agree with CEL. I don't think anything changed for this guy. He told you explicitly that he did not feel chemistry with you enough for an exclusive relationship. And then you slept with him. My guess is that it either made him feel bad and like he didn't want you to think he used you, so he's backing off, or it just brought home for him that he only wants to have sex with someone he's in a relationship with and that person isn't you (that he wants a relationship with). Am I making sense?

I say,* GOODBYE* to him. I am glad you got some but I had a feeling it would be this way. I find that is it rare that if we do not have feelings for someone, that they will just "happen." It's either there or it isn't. 



lisab0105 said:


> 3X you know as well as I do...when a guy wants to see you he will see you...to hell with sleep.


YEP. A man who wants you makes an effort. I don't think he used you though. I think you put it out there and he took it. But that he was honest with you about his intentions (no exclusive relationship). So I am not going to rag on him because I respect the fact he was honest with you.



Ceegee said:


> Dude, bro code???


What did I miss here? What was the bro code that was violated? If you mean CEL's post I think that was all common sense and not gender-specific. 



Mavash. said:


> Reminds me of a friend who used to brag that everyone liked her which was overall true.
> 
> Only problem is I didn't like her so it wasn't completely factual. .


Yep! Not everyone in life is going to like you.



Ceegee said:


> In another thread we might ask to dig deeper into this.



Hehehehe


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Mavash. said:


> I think learning to set your ego aside and be willing to be humbled is a good thing.
> 
> Yes it still sucks but the lesson pays off in spades if you can embrace it.
> 
> 3x you're still fabulous just not to everyone and that's okay.
> 
> Reminds me of a friend who used to brag that everyone liked her which was overall true.
> 
> Only problem is I didn't like her so it wasn't completely factual. She's fabulous yes just not the right fit for ME. It wasn't personal. I still think she's great but I like a different personality than the one she has that's all.


Hey! I resemble that remark!  (But MOST people I meet like me. I can't account for EVERYONE'S taste!)


----------



## Ceegee

Jellybeans said:


> What did I miss here? What was the bro code that was violated? If you mean CEL's post I think that was all common sense and not gender-specific.





CEL said:


> As for him not falling for you well as men age they just get stranger and stranger. It boggles the mind as we already start so weird but it is a fact.



We never admit to this.


----------



## Jellybeans

Ah, I see.

LOL.

But HOW do you get stranger and stranger is what I want to know??


----------



## Ceegee

Jellybeans said:


> Ah, I see.
> 
> LOL.
> 
> But HOW do you get stranger and stranger is what I want to know??


Don't ask me - I'm exempt.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Jellybeans said:


> Ah, I see.
> 
> LOL.
> 
> But HOW do you get stranger and stranger is what I want to know??


They start braying instead of laughing, for one...:lol:


----------



## Ceegee

EnjoliWoman said:


> They start braying instead of laughing, for one...:lol:


What do you expect from an ass?


----------



## angelpixie

Jellybeans said:


> Ah, I see.
> 
> LOL.
> 
> But HOW do you get stranger and stranger is what I want to know??



Just hang around them for a while, it will become obvious.


----------



## 2galsmom

3x, it is finally time to say Adios Pal and mean it.

Age has nothing to do with it, this guy was a dud.


----------



## working_together

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok, UPDATE!
> 
> Sooo, there will be those disappointed in me, but we got together yesterday, and I went against what I usually do, and had sex with him!  It wasnt to manipulate him, it wasnt because he pushed me (he didnt), it was strictly because I wanted to! And it was good, one of the best first times I've had! If it goes no further, then at least I had some fun, right??


This would have been the perfect opportunity to say to him "hmm, yeah, you're right, there isn't much chemistry between us"....

I'm all for the sex stuff as long as you want it, and aren't doing it to "keep his attention" or anything else. But, man, what a creep he is.


----------



## Jellybeans

3x--any updates about this guy? Have you guys been in touch at all?


----------



## Jellybeans

working_together said:


> This would have been the perfect opportunity to say to him "hmm, yeah, you're right, there isn't much chemistry between us"....
> 
> I'm all for the sex stuff as long as you want it, and aren't doing it to "keep his attention" or anything else. But, man, what a creep he is.


I disagree. He told her point blank he wasn't feeling it. It would have been worse if he lied to her and told her he was into it/felt chemistry when he didn't. She chose to sleep with him and he went with it.


----------



## working_together

Jellybeans said:


> I disagree. He told her point blank he wasn't feeling it. It would have been worse if he lied to her and told her he was into it/felt chemistry when he didn't. She chose to sleep with him and he went with it.


I was thinking up ways to be spiteful, or b*tchy....lol, he knew she was into him, so I think he needs to have his ego brought down a bit....just saying...lol


----------



## working_together

And what kind of guy sleeps with a woman he doesn't have chemistry with anyway?

Btw 3x, you've read some of my stuff, and yeah, we all make choices we may not be happy with, I'm really good at that....blah


----------



## Jellybeans

working_together said:


> And what kind of guy sleeps with a woman he doesn't have chemistry with anyway?


Many


----------



## working_together

Jellybeans said:


> Many


Sheesh, now I'm wondering how many guys I slept with thought this way about me.....thanks Jelly:rofl:


----------



## Jellybeans

Well, I am just being honest. LOL. Remember, a lot of men (and women) can have sex without feeling any type of emotional attachment.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

JB, I had the same thought as WT, as far as "
And what kind of guy sleeps with a woman he doesn't have chemistry with anyway"...I guess men are just wired different, because I couldnt do it! 

He still contacts me every day, he wants to be FRIENDS. I cant hang out with him as friends, because I cant keep my hands off of him! LOL!


----------



## Jellybeans

3Xnocharm said:


> JB, I had the same thought as WT, as far as "
> And what kind of guy sleeps with a woman he doesn't have chemistry with anyway"...I guess men are just wired different, because I couldnt do it!
> 
> He still contacts me every day, he wants to be FRIENDS. I cant hang out with him as friends, because I cant keep my hands off of him! LOL!


GRR. Yeah that is the thing about sleeping with someone you like...  You get those pesky feelings.

Smart of you not to hang with him since he is clearly on a different page/way of thinking.

Ya know... it may be in your best interest to cut ties with him for now-- go no contact.

It isn't going to help things staying in touch with him daily.


----------



## working_together

3Xnocharm said:


> JB, I had the same thought as WT, as far as "
> And what kind of guy sleeps with a woman he doesn't have chemistry with anyway"...I guess men are just wired different, because I couldnt do it!
> 
> He still contacts me every day, he wants to be FRIENDS. I cant hang out with him as friends, because I cant keep my hands off of him! LOL!


Go back on the dating site, I'm sure you'll meet a nice guy, they're not all jerks etc. When I was on one site I met several pretty cool guys, but I knew that I would never had chemistry with them. You see, I couldn't date or hook up with someone I didn't have chemistry with, it just doesn't make sense. I'm not talking about love, I'm talking about if I like their character, looks etc. There has to be some attraction.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Yeah, I was thinking that too, going no contact. I wish I didnt like him so damn much! Stoopid men...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

working_together said:


> Go back on the dating site, I'm sure you'll meet a nice guy, they're not all jerks etc. When I was on one site I met several pretty cool guys, but I knew that I would never had chemistry with them. You see, I couldn't date or hook up with someone I didn't have chemistry with, it just doesn't make sense. I'm not talking about love, I'm talking about if I like their character, looks etc. There has to be some attraction.


I actually am meeting up with someone after work today. And I am the same way, something has to click for me to continue past a first date.


----------



## Jellybeans

3Xnocharm said:


> I actually am meeting up with someone after work today. And I am the same way, something has to click for me to continue past a first date.


Good for you! 

Get back out there and YES--go no contact with Non-Chemistry Guy. You deserve someone who is super duper into you.

Like you both, I have to have to be into "something" to go past a first date.. and second...


----------



## whitecat

3Xnocharm said:


> Yeah, I was thinking that too, going no contact. I wish I didnt like him so damn much! Stoopid men...


Too bad for him, he's too stoopid to know when a good thing hits him on the head. But good for you because there'll be someone so much better waiting for you.


----------



## moto164

3x is very pretty she can afford to be picky she will not have a problem finding someone.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Thanks moto!

My date went ok. He was very nice, but there were no sparks for me.


----------



## moto164

3x you will know when you find someone special. Have fun looking.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks moto!
> 
> My date went ok. He was very nice, but there were no sparks for me.


I've dismissed so many first times dates. I would say, no spark ect. And a few were decent men. I didn't want to date anyone like my exhusband. Because that didn't work. This time I am looking for someone of quality, high standards, decent job able to support themselves solo. 

Just recently was introduced to a guy I would of never went to coffee with. I thought no spark. Well it's been only four weeks. He's displayed SO MUCH kindness to me and my son. He's gone out of his way to help me. I was working my 2nd job thats part-time, he showed up at my home and cleaned up all my leaves in my yard. So I could be free on my day off to do something. 

He was over at my house and UPS delivered my icemaker part. He jumped up and said, I can put that on for you. He's ordered pizza for my son, his girlfriend and I and paid for everything. 

He's mowed my yard too! He's taken me out to dinner to a nice place 3x's as well. I told him that I wanted to take him to dinner for all the things he's done for me. He said...no. Thou you could cook me a homecooked meal. 

But NO GUY in the past dating has done things for me FREE or without expecting the cookie. This guy isn't clingy, needy and he can even support himself. ( just typing this I am looking forward to hearing his voice tonight.) Also I'm leaning towards giving him the cookie as well this weekend. 

3X at our age we must look at their heart and their character. Don't be so quick to dismiss. You maybe passing up a rare gem for a fake diamond!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I'm afraid that I'm in love with Mr No Chemistry.  I am so disgusted with myself. I have to find the strength to cut the contact.


----------



## angelpixie

3x, Don't settle for anyone who sees you as anything less than a "FVCK YEAH!!" 

If you do, you'll be sorry. You've been hurt too much already, hence your TAM name. Don't walk into more hurt on purpose.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Thanks Angel, I know you're right.


----------



## ne9907

3Xnocharm said:


> I'm afraid that I'm in love with Mr No Chemistry.  I am so disgusted with myself. I have to find the strength to cut the contact.


I am sorry X,
I have been there too a long time ago, but I doubt you are in love. I think you want him because he told you there was no chemistry. Kinda like we want what we cannot have.


----------



## vi_bride04

It's hard to break patterns.....

I am going through something similar, 3x. I know he's not good for me at all but can't help but hang on or have feelings for him. 

I am digging deep down inside myself to figure out WHY I feel this way as there are many red flags and behaviors of guys of my past. I want to know why I'm attracted to the bad or at least why I attract similar types of people and always have. 

Its extremely difficult. I don't like what I'm seeing in myself. Things are starting to make sense, but I don't like why they do. Definitely things from childhood affect your adult relationships...romantic or not. 

Bah.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Yeah, growth is painful. The REAL growing pains are these.

I picked a super confident guy (NPD) because I lacked confidence. I had a lovely childhood but I was chubby plain and studious so I did not have a lot of social skills and was easily impressed. I was also a natural people pleaser and did not like it when anyone was upset with me and avoided confrontation.

Those traits made me a compliant child easy to raise and a student that teachers liked having. But it was a recipe for disaster with an NPD partner. I have really looked hard at co-dependency and I honestly don't think that definition completely fits. BUT I certainly was timid and was not able to set boundaries.

I sort of did a complete flip and now I've swung too far and overcompensated. I'm a bit too ballsy now and need to get in touch with my more feminine side to be OK with vulnerability. I had to develop such a thick, hard shell and I've become unapproachable. Not sure how to fix that. Still a work in progress but I do like myself much better than I ever have.


----------



## lisab0105

3X, you are not allowed to say you love Mr. Dumbass! You think you love him because you can't have him. You are fond of him, you like him and you liked having sex with him. But you do not love him! 

This is why I was so adamant about you not sleeping with him, I knew you were going to be hurt. You are a woman after all and we want so much for the guys we are into to be into us. 

But you will find your guy!!! I know you will. You are way too pretty and nice not to. 

I always say, unless you don't like a guy at all..give him 2 or 3 dates. Sometimes our chemistry radar is a little slow. Perhaps there are qualities you will like that you haven't seen yet.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Ok ladies, I was having a pity party last night evidently. I think you're all right, I am not in love with him, but have been started down that path. For the record, he does not treat me badly, not at all, he just doesnt return my feelings, and I need to learn to deal with that. This is new territory for me, I have never had a guy not return my feelings before! I need to grow a thicker skin. 

I also need to work on myslelf, I really am not presenting the best me! I have put on almost 20 pounds, and its affecting my confidence quite a bit. I went to the doc the other day because of my constant eating, exhaustion, lack of motivation...bloodwork is fine, so we increased my anti-depressant and will see how that works out. I have to start exercising, that will make a huge difference.


----------



## PieceOfSky

3Xnocharm said:


> JB, I had the same thought as WT, as far as "
> And what kind of guy sleeps with a woman he doesn't have chemistry with anyway"...I guess men are just wired different, because I couldnt do it!
> 
> He still contacts me every day, he wants to be FRIENDS. I cant hang out with him as friends, because I cant keep my hands off of him! LOL!


It is not men that are wired different. It is different people that are wired different. There are people from both sexes and from all sexual preferences that would be comfortable with consensual sex where everyone's expectations and level of interest are made clear. Likewise, there are folks of any and all types that would not be comfortable. And, some of those look down upon the others that would be comfortable.


----------



## Jellybeans

hereinthemidwest said:


> But NO GUY in the past dating has done things for me FREE or without expecting the cookie. This guy isn't clingy, needy and he can even support himself. ( just typing this I am looking forward to hearing his voice tonight.)


Haha. Awesome! Sounds like a great start!



3Xnocharm said:


> I'm afraid that I'm in love with Mr No Chemistry.  I am so disgusted with myself. I have to find the strength to cut the contact.


Nope.



ne9907 said:


> I am sorry X,
> I have been there too a long time ago, but I doubt you are in love. I think you want him because he told you there was no chemistry. Kinda like we want what we cannot have.


Yep. This is it.

You aren't "in love." I think whatever "crush" feelings you had for Mr. No Chemistry are only magnified because of the fact he told you he wasn't into it. But with time, you will see, that you really were not into him as much as you thought. It's because he basically rejected you (or told you he didn't feel the same way) that your heart is hurt, your confidence, so you feel like you like him more when really, it's not that at all.

Please go no contact with him.

Last year I briefly dated a guy who was bff's with his ex-girlfriend. Yes, the word is BRIEFLY. That situation was so fckin weird and I knew it wouldn't work for me so why, then, when he broke it off with me first, was I so upset and feeling disappointed/dejected?

Because he is the one who broke it off first.

That's why.

The farther away I get from that situation, the more skeeved out I am that I even freakin cared. No, thanks.

Whoever said up there that you should give it 2 or 3 dates is onto something. I think that is a good rule of thumb. Unless you are totally NOT into someone.


----------



## angelpixie

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok ladies, I was having a pity party last night evidently. I think you're all right, I am not in love with him, but have been started down that path. For the record, he does not treat me badly, not at all, he just doesnt return my feelings, and I need to learn to deal with that. This is new territory for me, I have never had a guy not return my feelings before! I need to grow a thicker skin.
> 
> I also need to work on myslelf, I really am not presenting the best me! *I have put on almost 20 pounds,* and its affecting my confidence quite a bit. I went to the doc the other day because of my *constant eating, exhaustion, lack of motivation...bloodwork is fine, so we increased my anti-depressant *and will see how that works out. I have to start exercising, that will make a huge difference.



3X, I don't know what A/D you are taking, but some of them are pretty notorious for just these things as side effects (In fact, increased depression is often a side effect of anti-depressants, especially SSRIs. Go figure. ) If you're on an SSRI, or even moreso, an old-school tricyclic A/D, you might want to look into alternatives like Welbutrin or Effexor, which are NDRIs and SNRIs, respectively. Welbutrin can actually cause weight loss and increase energy for some people.


----------



## Jellybeans

Get in the gym, 3x. And start eating healthy. Or if no gym, go for walks/runs. You will feel a thousand times better once you start exercising and eating right.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

angelpixie said:


> 3X, I don't know what A/D you are taking, but some of them are pretty notorious for just these things as side effects (In fact, increased depression is often a side effect of anti-depressants, especially SSRIs. Go figure. ) If you're on an SSRI, or even moreso, an old-school tricyclic A/D, you might want to look into alternatives like Welbutrin or Effexor, which are NDRIs and SNRIs, respectively. Welbutrin can actually cause weight loss and increase energy for some people.


I've been on the lowest dose Lexapro for two years now, I think it just istopped working for me. I have had good luck with Prozac in the past. If this doesnt help, maybe I will ask about Wellbutrin, it seems pretty well tolerated. Effexor made me sick.


----------



## angelpixie

I've been on Welbutrin for a long time, and the only bad side effect I've had is a tremor, but that's only when I'm under a ton of stress. I tried Effexor, but it made me so incredibly sleepy all day long that I couldn't even drive! It's crazy how one drug can affect different people.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

3x Hope you find the inner strenght to avoid Mr. No Chemisty. If not sadly you will only end up...his fill up station.


----------



## PieceOfSky

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok ladies, I was having a pity party last night evidently. I think you're all right, I am not in love with him, but have been started down that path. For the record, he does not treat me badly, not at all, he just doesnt return my feelings, and I need to learn to deal with that. This is new territory for me, I have never had a guy not return my feelings before! I need to grow a thicker skin.
> 
> I also need to work on myslelf, I really am not presenting the best me! I have put on almost 20 pounds, and its affecting my confidence quite a bit. I went to the doc the other day because of my constant eating, exhaustion, lack of motivation...bloodwork is fine, so we increased my anti-depressant and will see how that works out. I have to start exercising, that will make a huge difference.


Not a lady. But here is my opinion if you wouldn't mind hearing it.

After having been in a marriage where my feelings haven't been returned for over a decade, I'm worried that you might be thinking that you should grow thick skin so you can continue to see someone who does not return your feelings. Maybe I misunderstood your desire to grow thick skin?

It's ok to want someone to return your feelings. It is better than ok, it is a sign you have emotional needs and are able to feel. Listening to your feelings, rather than trying to suppress their surfacing by, say, growing thicker skin IS HOW you can learn what you need to do to get your emotional needs met.

In my very real experience, the worst thing you can do is adapt so well to his not returning your feelings that you end up in a longterm relationship or married to him. Success at squelching what your feelings are telling you equals failure at getting what you need.

You no doubt need something more nourishing than a good roll in the hay. And you no doubt deserve and can have all that you need.


PS. Yay for the exercise. If you find an answer to exhaustion, lack of motivation, etc., please let me know!


----------



## PieceOfSky

3Xnocharm said:


> I've been on the lowest dose Lexapro for two years now, I think it just istopped working for me. I have had good luck with Prozac in the past. If this doesnt help, maybe I will ask about Wellbutrin, it seems pretty well tolerated. Effexor made me sick.


Lexapro 20mg for several years, now down to 10mg.

Always tired, eat poorly, continued weight gain.

Tried many additions and alternatives to Lexapro. 

Bests things ever: IC and exercise. And, to put TMI a bit bluntly, regular uhm relations with myself as my wife continues to be unavailable (mostly) to share sexual (and general) intimacy with me. I mention that not to be crude or lewd, but because it truly makes a difference in how I feel.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

PieceOfSky said:


> Not a lady. But here is my opinion if you wouldn't mind hearing it.
> 
> After having been in a marriage where my feelings haven't been returned for over a decade, *I'm worried that you might be thinking that you should grow thick skin so you can continue to see someone who does not return your feelings. * Maybe I misunderstood your desire to grow thick skin?
> 
> It's ok to want someone to return your feelings. It is better than ok, it is a sign you have emotional needs and are able to feel. Listening to your feelings, rather than trying to suppress their surfacing by, say, growing thicker skin IS HOW you can learn what you need to do to get your emotional needs met.
> 
> In my very real experience, the worst thing you can do is adapt so well to his not returning your feelings that you end up in a longterm relationship or married to him. Success at squelching what your feelings are telling you equals failure at getting what you need.
> 
> You no doubt need something more nourishing than a good roll in the hay. And you no doubt deserve and can have all that you need.
> 
> 
> PS. Yay for the exercise. If you find an answer to exhaustion, lack of motivation, etc., please let me know!


The comment about needing a thicker skin was in reference to me being able to take rejection better.


----------



## badcompany

If you find an answer to exhaustion, lack of motivation, etc., please let me know![/QUOTE]

I'm feeling this too. It's the catch 22 of not having a partner in life and feeling this way IMO, but the symptoms certainly don't help solve the problem. Maybe I'm out to lunch but emotionally you want someone to give you a hand and help you up. Instead they scratch their head, look at you and go "nah" and carry on....


----------



## moto164

Hi 3x as far as the weight, cut out junk food along with some type of exercising whether it's walking or going to the gym and a lot of patients. It takes a while for the body to adjust. 


Some guys don't mind a little extra weight, I'm one of them and I'm not overweight myself just as long as they are active and not a couch potato. Don't sell yourself short.


----------



## ne9907

Hi X!
If you want to lose weight, have you considered an all protein diet?
It helped me lose about 20 pounds. It is not unhealthy since you pair protein with lots of vegetables and salads. It does get boring but I am a living proof it works!!!



> I picked a super confident guy (NPD) because I lacked confidence. I had a lovely childhood but I was chubby plain and studious so I did not have a lot of social skills and was easily impressed. I was also a natural people pleaser and did not like it when anyone was upset with me and avoided confrontation.
> 
> Those traits made me a compliant child easy to raise and a student that teachers liked having. But it was a recipe for disaster with an NPD partner. I have really looked hard at co-dependency and I honestly don't think that definition completely fits. BUT I certainly was timid and was not able to set boundaries.
> 
> I sort of did a complete flip and now I've swung too far and overcompensated. I'm a bit too ballsy now and need to get in touch with my more feminine side to be OK with vulnerability. I had to develop such a thick, hard shell and I've become unapproachable. Not sure how to fix that. Still a work in progress but I do like myself much better than I ever have.


:iagree:
That is so me!!! I always felt like an ugly duckling.
I am working on myself too,
I want to be ballsy and I have already put up a lot of walls. I like myself better now. 
The only thing I would like to change about myself is being able to have sex without developing feelings or just have ONS. I am very horny most of the times ....:rofl:


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## PieceOfSky

3Xnocharm said:


> The comment about needing a thicker skin was in reference to me being able to take rejection better.


Thanks. Sorry, I should have caught myself up better on the thread.

Wish I had something to offer there. But, handling rejection back in my dating (or want-to-be-dating) days was extremely difficult for me at the time. It sucked.

Looking back, I can't say I blame any of them, and it's just as well we went our separate ways. I also see now that I had more to offer someone back then than I realized. And I like to think extent of my hurt at the time didn't reflect reality or my unsuitability as a date/mate. Rather, it mostly reflected my continued disappointment and insecurities in myself. (Might not be true, but I like to think that  )


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## PieceOfSky

3Xnocharm said:


> I'm afraid that I'm in love with Mr No Chemistry.  I am so disgusted with myself. I have to find the strength to cut the contact.


Don't be so hard on yourself! Why the disgust?

Give yourself permission to not have it all figured out at this moment. There is no shame in having done something, knowing what you know now, you find "regrettable" (or whatever it is to you), especially in this area of one's life. Just be a gentle friend to yourself and pay attention to what you can learn from it, and move on to the next step.

In my line of work, we prefer to "Fail Fast" -- that is, making a mistake before too much time is spent is MUCH preferable to making it later. 

Seems this experience didn't drag on forever, you had some pleasurable times, but there are better things ahead.


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## Jellybeans

hereinthemidwest said:


> 3x Hope you find the inner strenght to avoid Mr. No Chemisty. If not sadly you will only end up...his fill up station.


No she won't. Because she knows better now. :smthumbup:



ne9907 said:


> The only thing I would like to change about myself is being able to have sex without developing feelings or just have ONS. I am very horny most of the times ....:rofl:


 Hehehehe.



PieceOfSky said:


> Don't be so hard on yourself! Why the disgust?
> 
> *Give yourself permission to not have it all figured out at this moment.*


Awesome advice. Gold! :iagree:


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## moto164

Hi 3x hope you're not still feeling down after the breakup.
Go out and meet some more guys and just have fun. When you meet a guy you like take you're time before you get to serious.


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## 3Xnocharm

I told him told him today that if we are only going to be friends, that we cannot talk any more. He has been so insistent that we can, but I just cant do it. We hung out a few nights ago and it just doesnt work. So my no contact begins! We chat daily, so yeah, this will be tough for me! But, I can feel more open to dating others now.


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## moto164

Good 3x glad to read that, it's for the best.


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## SurpriseMyself

ThreeStrikes said:


> If he commits to exclusivity, should he expect sex as a "reward"?


Oy! Hope you're joking on all counts.


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## 3Xnocharm

This is agonizing, I hate it!


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## lisab0105

3X, the second he meets the girl that fits his "ideal" the calls were going to become fewer and fewer and the visits less and less. 

You did the right thing in cutting it off before he did it himself.


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## Jellybeans

3Xnocharm said:


> I told him told him today that if we are only going to be friends, that we cannot talk any more. He has been so insistent that we can, but I just cant do it. We hung out a few nights ago and it just doesnt work. So my no contact begins! We chat daily, so yeah, this will be tough for me! But, I can feel more open to dating others now.


THANK THE LAWD you told him this!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good! It's all about boundaries. Notice he said he thought you guys could but that is HIS way of experiencing it, not yours. You don't have to jive with that AT ALL, girl! 

Note though: No contact doesn't begin until you end all contact with him, hence the NO CONTACT and what it means.

GOOD GOOD GOOD FOR YOU!


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## EnjoliWoman

And when it gets hard and you want to contact here, come HERE!


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## Jellybeans

Yep! We will spin you in the right direction.


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## thunderstruck

working_together said:


> And what kind of guy sleeps with a woman he doesn't have chemistry with anyway?





Jellybeans said:


> Many


:iagree: 

Chemistry? Hell, I've been with some who I didn't even like at the time. Dudes are wired differently when it comes to this.


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## Jellybeans

Point proven!


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## aston

3Xnocharm said:


> I just let the guy I have been dating know that I would like to be exclusive, and am waiting for his reply. Ugh, this sh!t is hard!


Last time a woman asked me about exclusivity, she was the one that didn't keep her end of the bargain. So if I were him I'd make you wait :rofl:


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## thunderstruck

3Xnocharm said:


> He still contacts me every day, he wants to be FRIENDS. I cant hang out with him as friends, because I cant keep my hands off of him! LOL!


:redcard: Tell him he needs to turn in his dude card. After I've been with a woman, I either want more of dat, or I move on if there is some reason I don't think we should continue in a relationship.

I sure as shyte don't want to make myself her new BFF, with daily chats.


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## PieceOfSky

thunderstruck said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Chemistry? Hell, I've been with some who I didn't even like at the time. Dudes are wired differently when it comes to this.


Some dudes. Maybe more than half.. Certainly not all, as I know that first hand.


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## thunderstruck

PieceOfSky said:


> Some dudes. Maybe more than half.. Certainly not all, as I know that first hand.


Fair enough. I can't speak for all dudes. :toast:


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## PieceOfSky

3Xnocharm said:


> This is agonizing, I hate it!


Dating was extremely difficult for me. I am not ashamed to say. Lots of things my friends had no difficulty handling in the process of dating I struggled greatly with. Mine trobles stemned from Social Anxiety issues, as well as fears of getting hurt again, plus some other things. There was much going over and over things that did or might happen, and it was very draining. Looking back, a bit of a beta-blocker or a mild anti-anxiety med might have gotten me over some hurdles.

Anyways, not sure which part of all this is agonizing to you, but I am sure you can get through it to find the love you deserve. Keep your eye on the prize. 

If his attempts to contact are disturbing your peace, consider this...

Depending on your phone carriers, you might be able to send his calls straight to voice mail.

Consider getting a google voice number for each next dating opportunity. Not sure, but with that you would have much control over where any attempts to contact you end up.


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## Jellybeans

Any updates, 3x? Have you seen or talked to Mr. No Chemistry?


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## 3Xnocharm

Yes, I have talked to him, but I really would rather not talk about it. Still smitten and my heart is still hurting.


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## Jellybeans

Aww. Sorry, 3x. Distance is best. You need to cut off contact w/ him completely and date other dudes.

HUGS!


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## 3Xnocharm

Thanks for asking JB, its nice to be thought of!


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## angstire

Were I in your part of the Midwest, I'd buy you a drink or three. Sorry, you're still smitten and sad. Date others, it will help.


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## 3Xnocharm

angstire said:


> Were I in your part of the Midwest, I'd buy you a drink or three. Sorry, you're still smitten and sad. Date others, it will help.


Thanks, Ang! I am attempting to.


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## ne9907

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes, I have talked to him, but I really would rather not talk about it. Still smitten and my heart is still hurting.


aww... so sorry.
But you are a survivor!!! You have survived so much, you will this too.
Throw yourself a pity party, listen to "you are so vain" then after that "I will survive"
yeah I know those songs are cliché but they are oh so truthful!!

Hang in there! You will be fine!


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## angelpixie

2galsmom said:


> I say if you are going to throw up now, do so on him.



:smthumbup:


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