# Still addicted



## Jamieboy

Hi all, me again with more existential crisis, my AP is back in my life again, and I'm still allowing this pulling of my emotions towards her. 

We still work together, though I don't think for much longer, I have been actively searching for a new role. However I wonder if my longing for her is more indicative of what's wrong in my marriage than her specifically. 

I have mentioned in my other thread  that my wife and AP are completely different ends of the emotional spectrum. My wife is stoic and not emotionally expressive, where my AP is the opposite. She is certainly no good for me in other ways but in that she meets a need I seem to respond to instantly. I am emotionally expressive too.

I reread my last thread and came across this quote from @jonty30 


jonty30 said:


> However, on the otherhand if you know she loves you, she also is probably the anchor in the relationship. The rock in your life.


My wife certainly is that, she has been the emotional rock in my life, consistent but non expressive in her love. She is a good person but needs to be reminded of my needs which makes it seem less authentic, especially when frequent reminders are necessary. It's never been any different, but my children are now teens and I lost my sister to suicide 3 months ago, which makes things more stark as we were so close.

What is the right thing to do here, do I continue to go through life like this or do I tell my wife I still have feelings for this woman and let her decide if she still wants to be married to me. 

I wont end up with her, im not asking for approval to leave my marriage to be with her. That's not going to happen, I just feel so much shame and guilt for feeling the way I do every time she intrudes into my life. 

For those wondering how she came back into my life, she found out about my sister and immediately came to comfort me, I went back to work too early, but I didn't know what else to do at the time. She cried with me and held me, I didn't want to send her away because I needed that at the time, I wasn't getting it anywhere else.


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## SunCMars

Get your goalie helmet on.

I see 2 x 4's being hefted and coming your way!


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## minimalME

Jamieboy said:


> What is the right thing to do here, do I continue to go through life like this or do I tell my wife I still have feelings for this woman and let her decide if she still wants to be married to me.


You're talking about your thoughts, and you're the only one who can deal with those. Telling (burdening) your wife isn't going to change your thinking.

Personally, I think you should find a man to help hold you accountable. Someone you trust, who doesn't gossip and who's willing to be honest. If you have no one like that in your life, consider a therapist? But it needs to be a man.

And this woman needs to be cut off completely. Do it because it's right and honorable. Her 'comfort' was manipulative.


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## rugswept

You're marriage is over. Let that poor W of yours go who you're dragging through this broken glass. It's time for you to go off with trash girl until she becomes enamored with another trash loser and you can cry you were cheated on.


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## TexasMom1216

Stop using and lying to your wife. She deserves better. Maybe she isn’t emotionally expressive because she knows you’re not sincere. You’ve made a mess here, be an adult and clean it up. Leave your wife so she can try to find some happiness.


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## aine

Jamieboy said:


> Hi all, me again with more existential crisis, my AP is back in my life again, and I'm still allowing this pulling of my emotions towards her.
> 
> We still work together, though I don't think for much longer, I have been actively searching for a new role. However I wonder if my longing for her is more indicative of what's wrong in my marriage than her specifically.
> 
> I have mentioned in my other thread that my wife and AP are completely different ends of the emotional spectrum. My wife is stoic and not emotionally expressive, where my AP is the opposite. She is certainly no good for me in other ways but in that she meets a need I seem to respond to instantly. I am emotionally expressive too.
> 
> I reread my last thread and came across this quote from @jonty30
> 
> 
> My wife certainly is that, she has been the emotional rock in my life, consistent but non expressive in her love. She is a good person but needs to be reminded of my needs which makes it seem less authentic, especially when frequent reminders are necessary. It's never been any different, but my children are now teens and I lost my sister to suicide 3 months ago, which makeshift things more stark as we were so close.
> 
> What is the right thing to do here, do I continue to go through life like this or do I tell my wife I still have feelings for this woman and let her decide if she still wants to be married to me.
> 
> I wont end up with her, im not asking for approval to leave my marriage to be with her. That's not going to happen, I just feel so much shame and guilt for feeling the way I do every time she intrudes into my life.
> 
> For those wondering how she came back into my life, she found out about my sister and immediately came to comfort me, I went back to work too early, but I didn't know what else to do at the time. She cried with me and held me, I didn't want to send her away because I needed that at the time, I wasn't getting it anywhere else.


Sigh! grow a pair ffs! It’s all poor me and oh woe is me, my wife doesn’t show me emotion, but she’s been your emotional rock? (Your words), blah blah blah. Have you ever stopped to think that your wife has to stay strong and get on with things cause you are a very weak man, so she has to be the strong one and bear up. Are you there for your wife emotionally or is all about you and your emotions? Tell your wife how you feel. Let her make the decision for you. I bet she has more balls than you. you can drivel on you poor poor thing.


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## Jamieboy

TexasMom1216 said:


> Stop using and lying to your wife. She deserves better. Maybe she isn’t emotionally expressive because she knows you’re not sincere. You’ve made a mess here, be an adult and clean it up. Leave your wife so she can try to find some happiness.


How do you know she isn't happy? Do you presume to know her?


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## SunCMars

Jamieboy said:


> How do you know she isn't happy? Do you presume to know her?


Fair enough.

Would she be happy with you cuddling up with another gal?

Pick one woman and be over the guilt.
Ah, bollocks, the assumed guilt.

It does seem absent, does it not, old boy?


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## TexasMom1216

Jamieboy said:


> How do you know she isn't happy? Do you presume to know her?


She’s happy because she doesn’t know you’re cheating again.


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## Jamieboy

TexasMom1216 said:


> She’s happy because she doesn’t know you’re cheating again.


Please define cheating in this context, I lost my sister, someone whom I have attraction to reached out and comforted me for her own reasons, I have never kissed or slept with her, I just have an irrational attraction to her.

Trying to do the right thing here



SunCMars said:


> Pick one woman and be over the guilt.
> Ah, bollocks, the assumed guilt.
> 
> It does seem absent, does it not, old boy?


Is it the actions of someone who doesn't feel guilt to ask for advice on a known hostile towards ws forum?


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## Jamieboy

TexasMom1216 said:


> Stop using and lying to your wife. She deserves better. Maybe she isn’t emotionally expressive because she knows you’re not sincere. You’ve made a mess here, be an adult and clean it up. Leave your wife so she can try to find some happiness.


Also have you read my other thread, tldr is, knew it was wrong to get close to this woman, I confessed to my wife, left her even though she wanted me to stay because I felt I had messed up too big. Gave her the house and double the statutory child maintenance. Despite having my kids half the time, im not sure how I could have gone about cleaning up my mess any better. 

I have been in ic for a couple of years too, my wife wanted me back, I didn't think it a good idea, clearly it wasn't, I don't want to hurt her and my children anymore than necessary. I'll do what it takes, its all just so black and white for some of you.

By not telling her I feel I rob her of her agency, something I strongly disagree with, by telling her I potentially ruin her happy life over me having thoughts about another woman. Because make no mistake, I have female friends who hugged me at the time, and I don't feel bad about those


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## TexasMom1216

Her life isn’t happy. Her life is a lie. She only thinks she’s happy. You’re correct, you have stolen her agency. If you respected her, you would tell her. I wonder if that’s where your feelings of guilt come from, that you DO respect her and know you should tell her, but there’s fear of consequences that is holding you back. It’s understandable.


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## Jamieboy

TexasMom1216 said:


> Her life isn’t happy. Her life is a lie. She only thinks she’s happy. You’re correct, you have stolen her agency. If you respected her, you would tell her. I wonder if that’s where your feelings of guilt come from, that you DO respect her and know you should tell her, but there’s fear of consequences that is holding you back. It’s understandable.


Yes I do respect her, I do feel I should tell her and you are right I do fear the consequences, I have hurt her badly before, I feel remorse for that. I don't want to do it again over my insane attraction to a woman who is not anywhere her equal as a good human being. 

I clearly have issues, but my 2 years of therapy haven't helped me sort myself put where she is concerned


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## TexasMom1216

Jamieboy said:


> Yes I do respect her, I do feel I should tell her and you are right I do fear the consequences, I have hurt her badly before, I feel remorse for that. I don't want to do it again over my insane attraction to a woman who is not anywhere her equal as a good human being.
> 
> I clearly have issues, but my 2 years of therapy haven't helped me sort myself put where she is concerned


It’s really hard, I’m sure. But the longer you wait, the more devastated she’ll be when she finds out. The truth has a way of coming out.


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## sokillme

Just divorce your wife already, you are a TERRIBLE husband!

All the years of your wife's life you are wasting, like the terrible parasite you are. Feeding her lies and feigning off the happiness of the delusion create for her.

She would be better off alone because at least there is potential to find better instead of the con man she married.


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## SunCMars

aine said:


> Sigh! grow a pair ffs! It’s all poor me and oh woe is me, my wife doesn’t show me emotion, but she’s been your emotional rock? (Your words), blah blah blah. Have you ever stopped to think that your wife has to stay strong and get on with things cause you are a very weak man, so she has to be the strong one and bear up. Are you there for your wife emotionally or is all about you and your emotions? Tell your wife how you feel. Let her make the decision for you. I bet she has more balls than you. you can drivel on you poor poor thing.


I came back to this post because it struck me as one that is quintessentially typical, as one given out from a mature woman. 

_This is not a cut, but an observation._

The gentleness that this man wants, _which many men seek_, is absent.

It never existed, or those _personal_, hard felt facts, the jarring bumps in life's normal road, removed the softness, leaving only that hard attitude, with those sharply scarred edges (in the older woman).

Note: I am *not saying* this man, or any man *deserves* such treatment, but that is what many seek.
They seek, they lose, or they never find.

It makes life even sadder than it is, if that is a possibility.

Hmm.



_Are Dee-_ an atypical _Martian; _a blended personality never finding lasting balance.

_"I chose yoiu, Aine, (broaching this tenet) because @She'sStillGotIt is fierce, has sharper teeth, and she is not-as-good at repartee'."
_


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## joannacroc

Jamieboy said:


> Hi all, me again with more existential crisis, my AP is back in my life again, and I'm still allowing this pulling of my emotions towards her.
> 
> We still work together, though I don't think for much longer, I have been actively searching for a new role. However I wonder if my longing for her is more indicative of what's wrong in my marriage than her specifically.
> 
> I have mentioned in my other thread that my wife and AP are completely different ends of the emotional spectrum. My wife is stoic and not emotionally expressive, where my AP is the opposite. She is certainly no good for me in other ways but in that she meets a need I seem to respond to instantly. I am emotionally expressive too.
> 
> I reread my last thread and came across this quote from @jonty30
> 
> 
> My wife certainly is that, she has been the emotional rock in my life, consistent but non expressive in her love. She is a good person but needs to be reminded of my needs which makes it seem less authentic, especially when frequent reminders are necessary. It's never been any different, but my children are now teens and I lost my sister to suicide 3 months ago, which makes things more stark as we were so close.
> 
> What is the right thing to do here, do I continue to go through life like this or do I tell my wife I still have feelings for this woman and let her decide if she still wants to be married to me.
> 
> I wont end up with her, im not asking for approval to leave my marriage to be with her. That's not going to happen, I just feel so much shame and guilt for feeling the way I do every time she intrudes into my life.
> 
> For those wondering how she came back into my life, she found out about my sister and immediately came to comfort me, I went back to work too early, but I didn't know what else to do at the time. She cried with me and held me, I didn't want to send her away because I needed that at the time, I wasn't getting it anywhere else.


So what I have noticed about your language use is that you blameshift. You have poor boundaries, and use terms like addiction to try and absolve yourself of the guilt and shame that you claim you feel. Your language is passive. You didn't allow her to come to you, she "came to comfort" you, you didn't ask her to be your shoulder to cry on instead of your wife "she cried with me and held me" and you didn't commit infidelity, it was totally fine because you weren't "getting it anywhere else."

Instead of jumping on the bandwagon of telling you what a terrible person you are for cheating on your wife (however sorely tempting that is), I'm going to attempt to ask you to look at what you wrote. Do you see how there are no active choices you are owning there that YOU made? This is the problem. You aren't addicted to a person. You are addicted to making poor choices and then absolving yourself of responsibility by blameshifting and using passive language instead of owning your actions. Try rephrasing everything you wrote above but with the choices you made. Then write what you did. Even if you just reread it to yourself. 

Now think about what YOU will do next. I hope it is coming clean with your wife, finding a therapist and doing above and beyond whatever you need to earn her trust back or at least giving her a decent settlement if she chooses not to stay. . If you are so unhappy and she is such a cold fish LEAVE HER and just be honest with her about why. You owe her that much. She is happy now because she is living in fantasy land that you created. Nobody wants the Truman Show, man. If you have any affection left for her, give her a choice. Tell her the truth.


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## Diana7

Jamieboy said:


> Please define cheating in this context, I lost my sister, someone whom I have attraction to reached out and comforted me for her own reasons, I have never kissed or slept with her, I just have an irrational attraction to her.
> 
> Trying to do the right thing here
> 
> 
> 
> Is it the actions of someone who doesn't feel guilt to ask for advice on a known hostile towards ws forum?


Its an emotional affair and there has been physical contact as with the long hug which wasn't appropriate for either of you to do.
Oh and its not an addiction, everything you do with her or say to her is a choice.
You have to cut off all contact with this woman, and stop all communications unless its specifically about work. I hope you are being serious about looking for another job. How many have you applied for?


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## Jamieboy

joannacroc said:


> So what I have noticed about your language use is that you blameshift. You have poor boundaries, and use terms like addiction to try and absolve yourself of the guilt and shame that you claim you feel. Your language is passive. You didn't allow her to come to you, she "came to comfort" you, you didn't ask her to be your shoulder to cry on instead of your wife "she cried with me and held me" and you didn't commit infidelity, it was totally fine because you weren't "getting it anywhere else."
> 
> Instead of jumping on the bandwagon of telling you what a terrible person you are for cheating on your wife (however sorely tempting that is), I'm going to attempt to ask you to look at what you wrote. Do you see how there are no active choices you are owning there that YOU made? This is the problem. You aren't addicted to a person. You are addicted to making poor choices and then absolving yourself of responsibility by blameshifting and using passive language instead of owning your actions. Try rephrasing everything you wrote above but with the choices you made. Then write what you did. Even if you just reread it to yourself.
> 
> Now think about what YOU will do next. I hope it is coming clean with your wife, finding a therapist and doing above and beyond whatever you need to earn her trust back or at least giving her a decent settlement if she chooses not to stay. . If you are so unhappy and she is such a cold fish LEAVE HER and just be honest with her about why. You owe her that much. She is happy now because she is living in fantasy land that you created. Nobody wants the Truman Show, man. If you have any affection left for her, give her a choice. Tell her the truth.


Ok Im game for this, I chose to let her comfort me when I was deeply upset, it was there and offered and I chose to accept it with open arms despite knowing it was wrong. In my heart it was wrong but I allowed it anyway. I felt comforted and needed it right there. After I wished to experience that again with her. 

It hasn't happened, but I wished for it. I own my choice.


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## Jamieboy

Diana7 said:


> Its an emotional affair and there has been physical contact as with the long hug which wasn't appropriate for either of you to do.
> Oh and its not an addiction, everything you do with her or say to her is a choice.
> You have to cut off all contact with this woman, and stop all communications unless its specifically about work. I hope you are being serious about looking for another job. How many have you applied for?


Two so far, one in North America within my existing company, one at a local company which I'm hopeful for but unlikely to get.


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## aine

SunCMars said:


> I came back to this post because it struck me as one that is quintessentially typical, as one given out from a mature woman.
> 
> _This is not a cut, but an observation._
> 
> The gentleness that this man wants, _which many men seek_, is absent.
> 
> It never existed, or those _personal_, hard felt facts, the jarring bumps in life's normal road, removed the softness, leaving only that hard attitude, with those sharply scarred edges (in the older woman).
> 
> Note: I am *not saying* this man, or any man *deserves* such treatment, but that is what many seek.
> They seek, they lose, or they never find.
> 
> It makes life even sadder than it is, if that is a possibility.
> 
> Hmm.
> 
> 
> 
> _Are Dee-_ an atypical _Martian; _a blended personality never finding lasting balance.
> 
> _"I chose yoiu, Aine, (broaching this tenet) because @She'sStillGotIt is fierce, has sharper teeth, and she is not-as-good at repartee'."_


Agreed as human beings we all seek love, emotional support, care, consideration, etc. However, all too often it is a one way process and lack of honesty about one's feelings to the spouse (not to strangers on websites, or to affair partners) leads to such scenarios. I detest dishonesty in all its forms. This man wants all of that, yet relies on his wife to be his emotional rock and obviously does not reciprocate, lies to her and takes no responsibility for his actions, no accountability, it is his wife's fault, his piece of fluff's fault for who is reeling him in, etc. I call ********. This level of dishonesty deserves no empathy in my view.


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## Jamieboy

aine said:


> Agreed as human beings we all seek love, emotional support, care, consideration, etc. However, all too often it is a one way process and lack of honesty about one's feelings to the spouse (not to strangers on websites, or to affair partners) leads to such scenarios. I detest dishonesty in all its forms. This man wants all of that, yet relies on his wife to be his emotional rock and obviously does not reciprocate, lies to her and takes no responsibility for his actions, no accountability, it is his wife's fault, his piece of fluff's fault for who is reeling him in, etc. I call ******. This level of dishonesty deserves no empathy in my view.


I can respect your right to your opinion but you know so little of me or my situation, I despair of folk who feel the need to add nothing constructive and just attack based on their own projections. 

Im not looking for compassion per say, what random Internet strangers think is really immaterial, however your experiences allow you to provide advise laterally. Calling me weak, a POS does nothing to me either way.

I don't deny some waywards come on here trying to garner some sort of justification for their actions, although most who are brave enough to post here, realise that there is something flawed within themselves. A lack of capacity to do the right thing, or some cases not knowing what the right thing is to do. 

I can assure you, narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths have no desire to post in this forum, unless it with the intention of trolling the membership. 

Some of the comments are so triggered it's almost funny, they don't even read the thread or my reply just wade in with their uninformed bile. It is your right of course, as it is mine to mock you for your blinkered view of the world.

I want to thank @TexasMom1216 you read what I had to say and modified your response to take account of the new information, its made me feel you are someone to listen to. 

So to you I say, I want to come clean about my in appropriate attraction to this woman. However would she really thank me for it in the end? She may well, however she may not, she may resent that I needed to burden her with my guilt, she may also feel she needs to divorce me, something which I'm in two minds about, in one sense I do believe she deserves better, and a decent settlement is what I would give, more than decent in fact. However we are both 40, I have a successful career, where she does not. Her life would be instantly poorer for the loss of me, not emotionally maybe, but financially yes, she has never wanted a career and was happy to work her part time job for little pay.

We have just bought her dream home which we would need to sell, I'm not materialistic so I bought it for her. 

When I confessed the first time, she was angry for unburdening my guilt. Do I do that again? 

Realise that this is not about me, its about doing right by her, I do love her despite what some of you might think. 

Im torn between stealing her agency and hurting her further.


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## Luckylucky

Everything else aside, why do you put it that your wife has to decide if she wants to divorce you or not? Can you not just do this yourself?

I’m so confused. Why don’t you just divorce her first??? I don’t get it? Why does she get to ‘decide?’ What did I read up there? I’m lost. She’d be poorer? Ok, but but?? You’re waiting around to see if the other woman likes you that way, so you’re still wanting to stay married for now?


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