# Wife never turns me down?



## imthatguy (Dec 10, 2012)

hey folks, first post here. Thanks for reading and for your advice and insight.

i am in a sort of dilemma. my wife never turns me down for sex. sounds awesome i bet... but the appeal is starting to wear off for me now

background info: wife 27 and i'm 28. dated for about a year and half before marrying and have been married a little more than two years. i'm asian and my wife is african american

back to my problem.... my wife never says no to me sexually. If i initiate sex 10 times a week, i could have it 10 times a week in whatever place or position i choose. Any attempt to start something sexual is taken as i sign that i want some and my wife will i ask if i"d like some play time. The issue is that i am starting to feel like she now believes it is her wifely duty to give me sex whenever i want. And while that was great for the first year, i am really starting not to like it. It seems like she feels sex is now for me, whether she is personally in the mood or not. she engages in it cheerfully (will moan, grind on me, give oral if ask) but only orgasms maybe 30 or 40 percent of the time that i initiate. It's 100 percent when she initiates. She has to rub her clitoris in order orgasm and it seems like she doesn't have any desire to do that alot of the time that I initiate when she isn't personally in the mood. If i say she should rub it, she'll just say she doesn't want to. If i try to rub it for her, she still doesn't orgasm. 

Back when we were dating, i would try to initiate about 4 times a week, she would turn me down twice a week so we would have sex about twice a week with her orgasming every single time by rubbing her clitoris. Now we have sex about 5 or 6 times a week with her orgasming once or twice (sometimes i actually think she is faking it but i am not sure). 

a couple of months ago i got into this mood where i just wanted it all the time, a couple of times day. early in the morning and after work. wife was always game but she rarely orgamsed. and she was always against morning sex when were dating, i don't think we ever had it then.

I just don't want her to believe it's her duty now to provide me with sex whether she personally wants it or not at the moment. How do i go about rectifying this situation? My wife is a very sensitive, caring person and i fear coming at her the wrong will either shut her down completely sexually or she'll start faking it just to appease me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hold back your sex drive to 2 - 3 times a week and make it more for her.........not all the time and for you. Ask her what she likes and do it.

Most guys would agree, you have a perfect wife there!!!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, perhaps she just likes sex with you! Many women don't have to orgasm _every_ time they have sex in order to feel fulfilled... If you don't want sex quite so often, initiate slightly less.


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## imthatguy (Dec 10, 2012)

Well I know what she likes as far as sex goes, having her nipples rubbed mostly. She is ok with receiving oral but says a direct tongue can be too much pressure for her at times. I don't think I am the best oral sex giver in the world to be honest, past girfriends have often had to teach me and I aparently still couldn't do it right even then? So that has made me kinda shy about giving oral. If I finger her, she won't orgasm unless she rubs her clitoris while I go finger her inside.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imthatguy (Dec 10, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> OP, perhaps she just likes sex with you! Many women don't have to orgasm _every_ time they have sex in order to feel fulfilled... If you don't want sex quite so often, initiate slightly less.





Cosmos said:


> OP, perhaps she just likes sex with you! Many women don't have to orgasm _every_ time they have sex in order to feel fulfilled... If you don't want sex quite so often, initiate slightly less.


I believe she does like sex with me, but I think now she feels like it is her duty to provide it and that is where my issue is coming from. When we were dating, she was a couple a times a week in the evening or afternoon kind of girl and would orgasm every single time and rub her clitoris and ask me to suck her nipples. Now she only specifcally asks me to suck her nipples when she initiates. Of course I suck them even when I initiate but she doesn't rub her clitoris at the same time so she can orgasm. Her having an orgasm is a big part of the experince for me, makes me feel good and really is a need for me. I could never date or love a woman that was unable to orgasm. It's actually that important to me, I feel like her orgasm fulfills something inside of me. But her only orgasming a handful of times a month when we're having sex up to 20 times a month just oesnt feel right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Talk to her about it, OP. Only she can answer your questions.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

My wife doesn't orgasm every time and doesn't want to. She likes the build up. She has sex with me because she likes it, not because it's her duty.

So are you feeling unloved because your wife does not turn you down? Have you ever thought that maybe she just loves you THAT much? Talk to her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think your wife sounds like a fabulous woman, my Lord, how many would do this when they aren't getting off... believe me... you are one lucky man, she doesn't sound like she is offering you pity sex at all. 

Because men have up to 10-50 times more Testosterone in their bodies causing more of that raging urge for release & pleasure (this is our LUST hormone), your wife is just not "feeling that" as often as you are, and she likely won't.... but this by no means = she doesn't want to be there with you... maybe she just craves the emotional connection and loves pleasing YOU. 

Your Pleasure = her pleasure. 

Sensitive people often care about pleasing their partners, they are the more unselfish types... Again, you are very blessed. I would agree with Cuddle Bug...if this bothers you that much... have a little less sex ...then she will always "get off" with you !

And by all means, talk to her about it, share your feelings...that you love that she is there for you so willingly...but you want her to have the ultimate experience as well... see how she feels.


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## imthatguy (Dec 10, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Talk to her about it, OP. Only she can answer your questions.


I have talked to her about it sort of. I asked her if she felt like it was her job to give me sex and she said yes. I told her that I didn't agree and she just asked me whose job it was then? I really could argue with that and just kind of let it go. That conversation was probably a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes I'm not even trying to have sex but am just rubbing her body because I like to and then she'll ask if want to have sex. Of course I never decline it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It might be best to decrease frequency to a number that she orgasms. That seems to indicate that she desires sex less frequently. 

Read up on female sexuality. Get books on giving oral sex and tell her you want to learn how to give her an orgasm orally. You have to work at it, it takes time and practice. 

Try different methods of oral sex until you lern her body. All women are different and you need to find out how she works. 

Having sex that is mutually enjoyable every time is really important. Take the lead and tell her that is what marrital sex will be like for you two. 

I think she is going to burn out fast if you are not proactive. 

Tell her what you are doing and why.


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## imthatguy (Dec 10, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think your wife sounds like a fabulous woman, my Lord, how many would do this when they aren't getting off... believe me... you are one lucky man, she doesn't sound like she is offering you pity sex at all.
> 
> Because men have up to 10-50 times more Testosterone in their bodies causing more of that raging urge for release & pleasure (this is our LUST hormone), your wife is just not "feeling that" as often as you are, and she likely won't.... but this by no means = she doesn't want to be there with you... maybe she just craves the emotional connection and loves pleasing YOU.
> 
> ...


 I think I am lucky too sometimes. But it is a strange feeling to feel like your wife believes she HAS to have sex with you, like it's for me but not for her. And it's such a change from how we were when we dated. I got tured down all the time then lol, of course I hated it but now I sort of feel like I want that back. It seems like back then she was in charge of her sexuality, she did it for hersef because she personally wanted and needed it. She made sure she orgasmed, would rub her clitoris, pull out her vibrator, make me suck her nipples all so she could orgasm too. Now it seems like I am in charge of her sexuality... and to be honest I don't want to be. If she didn't want sex, we didn't have it and when we did have it she would move heaven and earth to make sure she orgasmed. Now I feel like she could take it or leave it as far as her orgasms go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imthatguy (Dec 10, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> It might be best to decrease frequency to a number that she orgasms. That seems to indicate that she desires sex less frequently.
> 
> Read up on female sexuality. Get books on giving oral sex and tell her you want to learn how to give her an orgasm orally. You have to work at it, it takes time and practice.
> 
> ...


I have tried to learn how to give her oral and it seems like she really doesn't like the direct tongue on her clitoris very much, she says it makes her uncomfortable. But the only way she can orgasm is with some clitoral stimulation so it's kind of weird I think. I want it to be mutually enjoyable every time too, I want it to be back to her doing whatever is neccesary to orgasm. But now she has it in her head that it's her wifely duty to give me sex, even if she'd rather watch tv.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

How selfish can you be! She willingly and lovingly gives you the physical intimacy you desire and it isn't good enough for you because YOU have decided she needs to orgasm everytime you want to have sex! You are a piece of work! 

Good luck to you brother. Jeezzzzz


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

imthatguy said:


> I think I am lucky too sometimes. But it is a strange feeling to feel like your wife believes she HAS to have sex with you, like it's for me but not for her. And it's such a change from how we were when we dated. I got tured down all the time then lol, of course I hated it but now I sort of feel like I want that back.


 Well then by all means, tell her you want her to be more selfish & refuse you when she isn't up for the big bang. Tell her to be more forthcoming & complain all you want is sex sex sex... like many wives do their husbands. 

My husband is like your wife, he is one of those really wonderful nice Men who would give me the world.. When My sex drive was higher than His ...there were times I questioned his desire...though I can't say I ever felt like HE FELT IT WAS A DUTY... he always made me feel it was more of a Privilege... and on occasion - sometimes he didn't get "his". 

Can I ask you this..... do you feel she is making it come off as a DUTY...or is this more in your head simply because YOU WANT her to get hers - so badly. You want every session to be with WILD passion. 

And I also wonder why the change...your story is utterly backwards to most... they get all the free happening giving sex desirous "I can't get enough of you" sex BEFORE walking down the aisle....then suddenly.... the wife starts pushing away. And he feels like a bait & switch has taken place. 

So I wonder what happened there....To make her never turn you down NOW....a conversation, an action on your part, a little too close with another woman?? something she has taken as a threat and now she feels she must perform on demand, be this dutiful wife ? 



> It seems like back then she was in charge of her sexuality, she did it for hersef because she personally wanted and needed it. She made sure she orgasmed, would rub her clitoris, pull out her vibrator, make me suck her nipples all so she could orgasm too.


 And she still WILL do this, she simply doesn't NEED it as much as you.... she likely feels "pressured" ...but she doesn't want to say this...because she wants to make you happy. 

If you have made an issue out of this....and she knows she won't be able to get off again... she just offers her body to you, again, she is doing her best. 



> Now it seems like I am in charge of her sexuality... and to be honest I don't want to be. If she didn't want sex, we didn't have it and when we did have it she would move heaven and earth to make sure she orgasmed. Now I feel like she could take it or leave it as far as her orgasms go.


 Ok, what I am reading here is ... She is NOW lacking the passion you desire --you want her to be more selfish in Sex... again... when you eat chocolate every day, it kinda makes you not crave it as much. 

If I was you... I'd tone down the sex (take care of yourself more so as you did in the past)... let her come to you more & she'll be hungry for that orgasm every time. 

Or talk about what arouses her, and push those triggers more so, get creative...ya know, some women can't orgasm at all, so the % you are getting with as much sex as YOU desire is really not all that bad. 

Talk to your wife.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the grass is always greener.

never heard of someone complaining that their partner likes to keep their man sexually satisfyed.

and why can't you finger her and rub her clit at the same time? or lick her clit while fingering.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just back off and let her come to you - or just change your initiating approach; tease her.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

imthatguy said:


> I have talked to her about it sort of. I asked her if she felt like it was her job to give me sex and she said yes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't want a woman like this. Weird maybe, but I don't want a woman who feels its her "duty." I know men who treat their wives like crap and their wives still lay down with them because they feel its their "duty". I disagree with that mentality. 

Anyway some people equate sex with love and acceptance and self esteem, I hope your wife knows her worth and that there are other ways to feel loved and worthy, not just out of duty.


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## imthatguy (Dec 10, 2012)

KanDo said:


> How selfish can you be! She willingly and lovingly gives you the physical intimacy you desire and it isn't good enough for you because YOU have decided she needs to orgasm everytime you want to have sex! You are a piece of work!
> 
> Good luck to you brother. Jeezzzzz


I am not meaning to be selfish. I thought not caring about her orgasm would be the selfish thing to do. I just feel like she now offers up her body for my use instead of using my body for her pleasure, and it just doesn't feel right. I guess I am not explaining myself all that well. It seems like if I even sort of hint to sex, she's ready to go to bed with me, like it's pity maybe? I don't know...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

imthatguy said:


> hey folks, first post here. Thanks for reading and for your advice and insight.
> 
> i am in a sort of dilemma. my wife never turns me down for sex. sounds awesome i bet... but the appeal is starting to wear off for me now
> 
> ...


You are the victim oc a chronic human failing....Not being able to take YES for an answer....My wife could be a poster chilf...

It IS your wifes duty to take care of your sexual needs.....

It is your duty not to become a pest.....

Work on being able to bring her to orgasm EVERY time...The added effort should put the brakes on your frequency, and if not, she still wins......:smthumbup:


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## imthatguy (Dec 10, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Well then by all means, tell her you want her to be more selfish & refuse you when she isn't up for the big bang. Tell her to be more forthcoming & complain all you want is sex sex sex... like many wives do their husbands.
> 
> My husband is like your wife, he is one of those really wonderful nice Men who would give me the world.. When My sex drive was higher than His ...there were times I questioned his desire...though I can't say I ever felt like HE FELT IT WAS A DUTY... he always made me feel it was more of a Privilege... and on occasion - sometimes he didn't get "his".
> 
> ...


I don't neccesarily want her to refuse me. I guess I just want her to want to orgasm when we have sex. When were dating she made sure she orgasmed. Even if that meant me having to spend 20 minutes sucking her nipples and fingering her. It was non negotiable for her then and she would tell me she wanted to be satisfied. She had (has?) a large collection of sex toys from dildos to rabbits that she would use but I haven't seen any of her toys since before our wedding day. I don't even know if she still has them.

I don't think she is making it come off like it's a duty, but it is hard to say. Since she is not working to orgasm, all the moaning and grinding feels contrived? Like it's a show for my benefit but has nothing to do with her personal pleasure. She is willing to get into whatever position I can think of, but when we were dating she always wanted positions that could stimulate her clitoris so we pretty much rotated just 3 positions, cowgil, missionary and spooning. But now even if a position won't exactly stimulate her clitoris she will do it FOR ME

I have tried to reduce my sex drive to twice a week so she would orgasm but she still would only try for orgasm once then. If I say "you should rub it", she'll just say she doesn't feel like it. I'm also starting to feel like she thinks everytime I touch her I want sex. If we're sitting on the couch and I'm rubbing her thigh, she'll ask I want to go to bed. A lot of times I don't want to initially but as soon as she asks I say yes, it's hard to turn down a sexy woman offering you sex.

As far as what has changed... her becoming more religious I guess. When we were dating, she went to church on holidays and that was pretty much it. Now she's there every Sunday and even has a group of girlfriends from church that she invites over a couple of times a month. A lot of times I do think they have been putting this "wifely duty" stuff into my wife's head.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Initiate less often, but show your affection for her in other ways (touch can be cozy, not just sexy). See if she initiates more.

Talk to her and tell her that you're worried she's just doing it for you and that you don't want her to only have sex with you because it's her "duty" but because she's into it. Maybe thus will free her up to feel more connected to you.

Read "The Five Love Languages" with her. Upping the non-sexual feelings if live and intimacy might help you find a deeper sense of connection when you are having sex and will hopefully help you balance the quantity/quality dilemma to both your satisfaction and hers.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

How are things out of side of the bedroom?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

imthatguy said:


> I am not meaning to be selfish. I thought not caring about her orgasm would be the selfish thing to do. I just feel like she now offers up her body for my use instead of using my body for her pleasure, and it just doesn't feel right. I guess I am not explaining myself all that well. It seems like if I even sort of hint to sex, she's ready to go to bed with me, like it's pity maybe? I don't know...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand what you are saying. I never turn down my partner but it has nothing to do with a sense of "duty".

I love him, it is that simple. I love the way sex bonds us. I love seeing, feeling and hearing him being so excited and happy. 

Enjoy it for what it is OP but I do think you need to talk with your wife, listen to her and accept what she says. I think she simply loves you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, stop viewing your W as some sort of sexual martyr. In all probability she enjoys sex as much as you do, but doesn't feel the need to orgasm every single time she has sex. If I'm feeling tired or a little stressed, an orgasm isn't that necessary to me; it's the closeness that intimacy brings. On the other hand, if I felt obligated to orgasm every time I had (frequent) sex, I might feel too pressured to even enjoy the intimacy...

Enjoy what you have, OP!


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Have you asked her why she's not trying to "get her's" when you have sex when she used to do just that?
That part would concern me too, to go from actively persuing orgasms when having sex to essentially just going along for the ride.
Yeah, I'd probably want to know what was going on & to get things back to the way they were.

Another thing, her never turning you down could be tied to fear of losing you if she doesn't have sex whenever you want.
Just read through TAM to see how many people have cheated because they weren't having sex enough or at all.
Your wife could very well be afraid that could happen to her if she says no.
I would ask her to go into greater detail regarding what she thinks duty means to her & then explain to her what your thoughts are about the current sexual state of your marriage.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Imthatguy,

If your wife has to do all of that just to orgasm she's probably tired, and bored, and possibly even a little annoyed that you can't "make" her o. If your sex life consisted of your wife rubbing on you but you had to do all the work to orgasm by masturbating yourself, you'd probably get bored too. On your wifes side, your sex life seems to be you rubbing her while she masturbates. But she can do that without your help... Honestly, you need to figure out ways to make her o tha don't include her masturbating herself, learn to give oral, learn how to use her toys, learn how she likes having her clitors rubbed if that's what she needs, stop putting her in positions that you know don't stimulate her. she's your wife, so she probably does feel that sh "has" to have sex sex with you, but if you don't start making it more enjoyable for her, I wouldn't be surprised if that mindset changed. Then you'll wind up like so many other men whose wives won't f*ck them and they just "don't know why".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> It might be best to decrease frequency to a number that she orgasms. That seems to indicate that she desires sex less frequently.
> 
> Read up on female sexuality. Get books on giving oral sex and tell her you want to learn how to give her an orgasm orally. You have to work at it, it takes time and practice.
> 
> ...


I don't agree that he needs to reduce such that she orgasms everytime that they have sex. I do think he should reduce some, as well as work on techniques that will help her orgasm.

For some women, every sexual encounter does not need to be about orgasming. Sometimes, the closeness and intimacy is just fine. Accepting that, as well as the gift that you wife is giving you, is important. You need balance, though, to ensure that you don't take advantage of that gift.

But I don't think you can stop there. You also need to be proactive in experimenting with her to find out what works and how the two of you can make it better.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Imthatguy,
> 
> If your wife has to do all of that just to orgasm she's probably tired, and bored, and possibly even a little annoyed that you can't "make" her o. If your sex life consisted of your wife rubbing on you but you had to do all the work to orgasm by masturbating yourself, you'd probably get bored too. On your wifes side, your sex life seems to be you rubbing her while she masturbates. But she can do that without your help... Honestly, you need to figure out ways to make her o tha don't include her masturbating herself, learn to give oral, learn how to use her toys, *learn how she likes having her clitors rubbed if that's what she needs*, stop putting her in positions that you know don't stimulate her. she's your wife, so she probably does feel that sh "has" to have sex sex with you, but if you don't start making it more enjoyable for her, I wouldn't be surprised if that mindset changed. Then you'll wind up like so many other men whose wives won't f*ck them and they just "don't know why".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly...my wife can't O with just PIV, she also has to have clitoris stimulation. Rather than have her masturbate herself to O, I masturbate her to O during intercourse instead! It's a win-win situation. The end result is we both O, whether she really wanted to or not.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Your wife is exhibiting totally unacceptable behavior. You need to divorce her immediately and send me her phone number


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I don't agree that he needs to reduce such that she orgasms everytime that they have sex. I do think he should reduce some, as well as work on techniques that will help her orgasm.
> 
> For some women, every sexual encounter does not need to be about orgasming. Sometimes, the closeness and intimacy is just fine. Accepting that, as well as the gift that you wife is giving you, is important. You need balance, though, to ensure that you don't take advantage of that gift.
> 
> But I don't think you can stop there. You also need to be proactive in experimenting with her to find out what works and how the two of you can make it better.


:iagree:

I also want to add that pressurizing a woman to orgasm is likely to have the opposite effect.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I also want to add that pressurizing a woman to orgasm is likely to have the opposite effect.


:iagree: (by the way, is it wrong to agree with someone that is agreeing with my previous post?)

Once I accepted that my wife did not have the need to orgasm every time we had sex, we ended up having more sex where she did orgasm. Taking the pressure off seemed to free her to go with things. She was free to relax and not worry about how I might react if it just was not going to happen. My backing off on that really improved things.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> :iagree: (by the way, is it wrong to agree with someone that is agreeing with my previous post?)
> 
> Once I accepted that my wife did not have the need to orgasm every time we had sex, we ended up having more sex where she did orgasm. Taking the pressure off seemed to free her to go with things. She was free to relax and not worry about how I might react if it just was not going to happen. My backing off on that really improved things.




It sounds like you've struck the right balance, TAG.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

imthatguy said:


> I don't think she is making it come off like it's a duty, but it is hard to say. Since she is not working to orgasm, all the moaning and grinding feels contrived? Like it's a show for my benefit but has nothing to do with her personal pleasure.
> 
> I have tried to reduce my sex drive to twice a week so she would orgasm but she still would only try for orgasm once then. If I say "you should rub it", she'll just say she doesn't feel like it. I'm also starting to feel like she thinks everytime I touch her I want sex. If we're sitting on the couch and I'm rubbing her thigh, she'll ask I want to go to bed. A lot of times I don't want to initially but as soon as she asks I say yes, it's hard to turn down a sexy woman offering you sex.


Maybe she has a very high sex drive. Before, she had her toys to help herself and now she has you...After all, you're her husband and why use toys when she has a man/Husband who can keep her happy in that department. 

SimplyArmorous said something on her post

pleasing your spouse sexually+happiness. It was on the other page...It must make her happy to please you sexually. 

Your pleasure = her happiness. I think that's what SA stated....

That could be good advise for me. Although I wife has sex with me to please me whether she has a climax or not. The difference is that if I want it 2 days in a row, she thinks I am a horn dog...

You seem to have a wonderful woman who enjoys all the sex you can give her and she may even want MORE from you. She is just being a lady and waits for you to make a move on her first.


For me, I really feel bad if my wife doesn't orgasm. I feel the I am not good enough to bring her off or she is just not in to me after 20 years together. Maybe it's my ego getting in the way. 

Try telling her that you want to give her a massage AFTER sex, so you can get her in the habit of touching without expecting sex....Unless she wants to go another round...Anyway, have fun while it last. In 20 years, you may be back here with the opposite problem... Lets hope not.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Your Pleasure = her pleasure.


That's what it was....

remember this


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

imthatguy said:


> I have tried to learn how to give her oral and it seems like she really doesn't like the direct tongue on her clitoris very much, she says it makes her uncomfortable. *But the only way she can orgasm is with some clitoral stimulation so it's kind of weird I think.* I want it to be mutually enjoyable every time too, I want it to be back to her doing whatever is neccesary to orgasm. But now she has it in her head that it's her wifely duty to give me sex, even if she'd rather watch tv.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Most women can only orgasm wiht clitoral stimulation.
a


imthatguy said:


> I have tried to learn how to give her oral and it seems like she really doesn't like the direct tongue on her clitoris very much, she says it makes her uncomfortable. *But the only way she can orgasm is with some clitoral stimulation so it's kind of weird I think.* I want it to be mutually enjoyable every time too, I want it to be back to her doing whatever is neccesary to orgasm. But now she has it in her head that it's her wifely duty to give me sex, even if she'd rather watch tv.


Most women can only orgasm with clitoral stimulation. That’s how women are built.

To say this is weird is equivalent to say that most men can only orgasm from penile stimulation.

To say this is weird is equivalent to say that most men can only orgasm from penil stimulation.

I never turned my husband down for sex. There were two reasons for this. I don't believe that either spouse should turn the other down without very good reason.. like being ill. The second is that I just love sex.. and it does not always have to end in orgasm. Sex is like a drug.. it gets me high. I like that feeling of being high from sex.

Plus it's the best exercise program there is


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> :iagree: (by the way, is it wrong to agree with someone that is agreeing with my previous post?)
> 
> Once I accepted that my wife did not have the need to orgasm every time we had sex, we ended up having more sex where she did orgasm. Taking the pressure off seemed to free her to go with things. She was free to relax and not worry about how I might react if it just was not going to happen. My backing off on that really improved things.


:iagree:

I'll agree with you. How about that?

I used to have performance issues because I thought I needed to bring her to orgasm every time. She finally sat me down and explained to me (for like the 100th time) that she doesn't need to climax in order to enjoy herself.

My wife doesn't need to climax every time. I don't need to climax every time. We just enjoy ourselves. Of course, we also spend a lot of time with each other, cuddling on the couch or washing the dishes after supper. 

Here's something that worked for us, and I'll recommend it to you: No-obligation touching. That just means is that not all sexual touching has to be a prelude to sex. You said that even if she offers sex specifically because she feels she has to, you never decline. So decline! The next time you're rubbing her neck or whatever and she asks if you want play time, just say no. Tell her that you just enjoy being around her, and that it doesn't always have to lead to sex.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife seems like she is happy when I climax. Especially if it takes a long time. When I finally do, she will say....YAY!!! She is excited that, at least I got mine. She is OK that she didn't get hers...Even though I feel bad for that. If we have sex and I don't climax and I am so exhausted if we go a long time... (that has happen lately) She feels that she didn't do a good enough job or wasn't woman enough for me to get my release. Just like I feel it's my manly duty/husbandly to get her to climax.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

It seems the bigger issue for you is she doesn't orgasm every time. If so, that is at least as much your responsibility as it is hers. 

Try new things, experiment. Learn. If you are able to get her to orgasm every time, that's a much better outcome than her turning you down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

Hmmm his initial post might have come across as though he seems 'displeased' that his wife never turns him down.... but his later posts give a better insight into the problem??

What I think the OP is actually trying to explain is that his wife has transformed from a passionate semi-dominant self-driven lady who knew what she wanted in bed to one who's sexual pleasures have become more submissive/passive and totally husband-driven! I agree with the rest of the women here that women (in general) don't need to orgasm during every episode (neither do I). Besides, the only way I can orgasm is through clitoral stimulation too - so I don't think that's weird lol! 
Nevertheless, the rest of his issue seems reasonable. If her desire to orgasm has dropped overall, I can see why he's perplexed...some have stated that its HIS responsibility to make her orgasm, but wouldn't it be an issue if she shows little interest/refuses now - especially when compared to how she used to make sure she had her orgasm before...(this obviously bearing in mind that the OP states he is not badgering her for sex all the time or expecting her to orgasm during all those episodes) 

Just because she never turns him down doesn't mean she is enjoying it as much as him all the time... it might not be boring duty sex, but if she is doing it to keep him happy then her passion levels might not match his... In LTRs some amount of average/routine sex is expected, but should not become the all-time norm...

*WANTing/YEARNing for something is bound to produce different outcomes versus doing something out of happy obligation.*..she is still happy to have sex with him - but if she is not expressing her desire for different positions/orgasms/toys like she used to in the past - then he's definitely going to feel/find something amiss after a period of time whatever her reasons are...

from his post, it's quite obvious she is a good wife, initiates many times and is cheerful during sex...however he says she appears to be doing it for his sake most of the time...and he wants her to want it for her own sake at least some of the time...now, I think that's a fair 'wish'...

If her sensual nature/lust has slowly ebbed I'm not surprised that it might have to do with her increased interest in religious activities... She could be turning into the (religious??) mindset that one should not be too lust-driven and should participate in intercourse primarily to keep the spouse happy...

I understand where you're coming from because I sometimes find the same issue with my husband too (though his passive approach to sex has nothing to do with religion). my affectionate husband is generally more-than-happy to oblige when I ask and initiates passively about twice a week...but I miss that 'raw lust' we had earlier on in the marriage if you know what I mean... 

As for advice on how to go about it, 
We've read all about how she's doing a lot to please you...what are you doing to please her or learn about her erogenous zones (and these can change over time too!) You say you've never been a very good lover in the past... so have you actively tried to improve yourself?
Secondly, how about starting off with a long heart-to-heart talk with her - stating your questions/insecurities (if that route hasn't been taken yet)? That you want her to want sex how much she used to before and not partake for your sake alone... ask her if there's something you need to change/do for that to happen...if her reasons are indeed religious, you can remind her its not sinful to be lusty with your spouse (and spouse alone)...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Why is this a complaint. I'm so upset that my wife loves me and treats me right. She sounds like a good wife and you sound like you are taking that for granted.


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## imthatguy (Dec 10, 2012)

thank you all for your input, sorry i haven't had time to reply to everyone, been busy with work.

just to clarify some things. I know that my wife loves me very much, as i do her. I am happy to have a selfless wife that is willing to give herself to me anytime. I don't want to wind up in a sexless marriage but i also don't want it to be one sided where she just gives and doesn't take. I want her to take, and to want to take. I did not marry my wife so i could get sex whenever i wanted, i married her because i love her but also because i wanted to be the man that got please her forever. And i don't feel like I'm getting to do that because she isn't allowing me to. 

I do think i could improve on my intimate skills, i assume most men could to some degree. but i don't think i'm a total troll in bed. I just want the passion back her from, not just the passion to give to me but the passion to take from me

hope i'm making some sense

i feel like a crazy man writing this after reading posts from some men who haven't had sex in months or years. that would kill me


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Imthatguy,

I've been in your shoes, now I'm sexless for a month. The system shock is fking nuts I tell ya. Wake up one day, no more sex, no more company, and the whole house is vacated... makes you kinda go  "wtf just happened"

Still, I understand completely what it feels like to have a wife who would do anything for you, yet who still doesn't open up when it comes to intimacy and passion. You want her to be your partner by your side not have to hold her hand like a little girl yes?

Or am I mistaken? =/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

imthatguy said:


> thank you all for your input, sorry i haven't had time to reply to everyone, been busy with work.
> 
> just to clarify some things. I know that my wife loves me very much, as i do her. I am happy to have a selfless wife that is willing to give herself to me anytime. I don't want to wind up in a sexless marriage but i also don't want it to be one sided where she just gives and doesn't take. I want her to take, and to want to take. I did not marry my wife so i could get sex whenever i wanted, i married her because i love her but also because i wanted to be the man that got please her forever. And i don't feel like I'm getting to do that because she isn't allowing me to.
> 
> ...


I think that Zing's post above puts it in the right perspective. Maybe if you read that a few times you'll get the word's necessary to put your feelings in perspective.

It sounds like the two of you love each other very much and trying very hard to have a good marriage. It's all good. And now that you are getting in tune with this can you make it even better. You are both very lucky.


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## purplepanther (Dec 5, 2012)

Funny. I was in this same position with my husband a year ago. I said yes to sex every time. I really thought I would win wife of the year. I wanted so bad to make him happy. I wanted him to smile when all his friends complained about their wives holding out on them. And just like you, he complained that it was boring. Normally after we get started, I would get in the mood but sometimes I would just be concerned about making sure he felt good. Well his complaints did not go over well with me. It sucked to deliberately do something to make him happy and hear him complain about it. I pulled away from him after that. I still don't understand what you and he have to complain about. It def made me as the wife feel like no matter what he would complain about our sex life and very unappreciated.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think your wife sounds like a fabulous woman, my Lord, how many would do this when they aren't getting off... believe me... you are one lucky man, she doesn't sound like she is offering you pity sex at all.
> 
> Because men have up to 10-50 times more Testosterone in their bodies causing more of that raging urge for release & pleasure (this is our LUST hormone), your wife is just not "feeling that" as often as you are, and she likely won't.... but this by no means = she doesn't want to be there with you... maybe she just craves the emotional connection and loves pleasing YOU.
> 
> ...


I agree with SimplyAmorous here. Have less frequency and more meaningful sex in HER mind. Find out what she likes and craves. Find out how she likes her body to be teased. Put a blindfold on her and use some feathers and make up brushes all over her body. Ask her what feels good...she might not know exactly what she likes...but keep trying. 

She is a saint and a obviously a VERY giving person. You are a lucky man. Cherish her by giving her as much pleasure as you can!


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

OK...married over 40 years here. It used to bother me when my wife did not orgasm. Gert over it. My wife orgasms easily, usually before me, but there are times she is doing it for me and does not really want to orgasm. She likes the closeness and knowing that she is pleasing me.

Now, that being said, there may be ways to make her orgasm more easily. Find a position that gives her clitoral stimulation. Keep in mind that usually the clitoris is way too sensitive for direct stimulation at first. When giving oral, you need to start lightly and indirectly. More direct stimulation can come as she gets closer. 

But again, the fact that she wants to please you is great. Help her orgasm when she wants to.

Another thing that we have discovered: my wife rarely "feels" like having sex when we start. She rarely thinks about it. However, once we get into it, she usually wants it and has a great orgasm. It is called "responsive desire".

Hope this helps.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

romantic_guy said:


> OK...married over 40 years here. It used to bother me when my wife did not orgasm. Gert over it. My wife orgasms easily, usually before me, but there are times she is doing it for me and does not really want to orgasm. She likes the closeness and knowing that she is pleasing me.
> 
> Now, that being said, there may be ways to make her orgasm more easily. Find a position that gives her clitoral stimulation. *Keep in mind that usually the clitoris is way too sensitive for direct stimulation at first. When giving oral, you need to start lightly and indirectly. *More direct stimulation can come as she gets closer.
> 
> ...


Agree. Bolded the part that is key. Lighter is better, as light as you can be - then build up the intensity. Maybe you need to spend more time on the foreplay?

OP: It's a rather nice problem to have though - you can BOTH enjoy finding a solution to it. Good luck!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I will never presume to belittle a fellow member in crisis...but damn man. The title of your thread makes me think "what is the problem here?"

After reading more I get it. You want her to enjoy it as much as you do. Not sure how to accomplish that. Good luck in trying though. The other members here are a wealth of valuable information.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I am on medication that makes achieving orgasm very difficult, but I still enjoy sex. An orgasm only lasts a few seconds anyway.


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## Early Grayce (Jan 19, 2012)

My wife is like a 1962 Chevrolet. I have to charge the battery, pump the accelerator, hope she starts and then let her warm up before I attempt to drive her.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Early Grayce said:


> My wife is like a 1962 Chevrolet. I have to charge the battery, pump the accelerator, hope she starts and then let her warm up before I attempt to drive her.



Now that is funny right there...:rofl:


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