# I really need help



## jen0519 (Jul 9, 2007)

This is my first time on this site, but I really need to talk to somebody. I have been with my boyfreind for 3 years. We have a 2 year old daughter together. The beggining of our relationship was wonderful. We were both free of responsibility and loved to just be together. After three months of bliss I found out I was pregnant. I was only 17. I remember laying in a bed crying and shaking uncontrolably. He came in and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I didn't believe in abortion and he said okay. That was the last time he ever brought it up. He told me that everything would be alright and we would do it together. And it was. We gave birth to a beautiful little girl. We have one of those relationships that everybody wants. Well, they think they want it. He got a great job and makes enough money to where I don't have to work. I spend my day cleaning house and taking care of our daughter. A month ago he asked me to marry him. I have been planning this wedding and wondering if it will ever happen. I find myself wondering if it is what I really want. Do I want to have more kids? I don't know. I love my daughter, but the reality is that I didn't plan for her and I am now only 20. I havent gone to college and I don't know if this is where I want my life to go. Most of the time we get along really well. But sometimes we go through rough times. Last night we came home from a weekend at his parents house. Everything was fine on the drive. Then we stopped at my parents house to say hi. When we were leaving, I decided that i would rather take the backroad then drive on the highway. He got so mad. It wasn't that big of a deal. It takes about 2 minutes longer. But he didn't talk to me the rest of the way. We got home and he still wouldn't talk to me. He fed our daughter dinner and I put her to bed. I made my own dinner and went to sit at the computer. He decided that he had to sit in the computer chair to watch tv. I asked him for it back and went completley crazy! He grabbed my plate and threw it across the kitchen. After that he went upstairs and cooled off. I sat downstairs and cooled off to. There was a lot more to the fight but it would take to long to explain. That was just the worst of it. He has never hit me and this kind of thing is really out of the ordinary. But today I keep asking myself, is this what i want? Do I want to marry someone at 20 and have to deal with fights like this for the rest of my life? And if I do leave who will i be without him? I have built my whole adult life on us. I have worked so hard on making a family for my daughter. I don't know whats going to happen when he gets home today. Will i leave? Do i want to leave? Does he want me to leave? Do I need to figure out who I am before I turn into Mrs. Downing. I know I do but I have just been with him for so long, I think of us as a team. I can't see being a mother without having her father right there to help me. I know I will be okay if i left. My parents are very supportive. My dad just offered to pay for my college, whether I live at home or here. I just don't know if i am ready to make this decision. I have wanted nothing more than for him to marry me. Now that he wants to I don't know. Im sick of cleaning up his messes and dealing with his bad moods. But I don't know what to do without him. Ive never been an adult without him guiding me. My parents were never much help with that. There idea of parenting was handing me money and not paying attention to what i did with it. Thats why i was addicted to meth by 14. But everything changed when I got pregnant. I quit doing drugs. I moved out with ryan and started my own family. Now to go back there and try to be an adult by myself is scary. Will I start doing drugs again? You can never tell where life will take you. I am just so confused and I don't know if the fight last night is just one of the downs of if it is a big red flag that I need to get out now. I think it might be this whole marriage thing. REST OF YOUR LIFE is just bouncing around in my head and I am missing my old life. Partying all the time, tons of freinds and making decisions of my own. Without thinking about anyone but me. I wish i was 17 again. I know I can never go back to that time but I think that getting married just makes it permanent. If we broke up I would have more time by myself(he is a really great dad, I know he would want to spend time with her)to go out and act my age. Thats something I need to do. I feel 35 at 20. How old will i feel when i am 35!! I know this is long so thank you for reading it. I need to figure out my thoughts. I would really apreciate some help. Is getting married this young stupid? I already took the biggest steps to it. I might as well already be married. But I can't deal with anger. And I am done acting like his mother. Ughhhh! anyway, please please please, give me some advice!


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## crazyanimallady (Jul 10, 2007)

hello, I 100% understand what you are going through, I too got pregnant very early in a relationship and married him because I was pregnant, I did not love him nor did he love me.. through the yrs I told myself I loved him but that realy was just trying to be "normal" within a marriage. getting married to him was the worst thing I have ever done. I too was a big partier, and did alot of it, but when I found out I was pregnant that all stopped. but my marriage was torture on me, my ex husband was not physically abusive but very emotionaly abusive.. he tore down every bit of spirit i had in me, he stripped my from my pride, and love for my self.. after 6 yrs I told him to leave, my son was 5 at the time.. after he left i was scared of being a single parent.. but I did it, I worked my ass off the rebuild my credit that he tore down, after 3 yrs of being on my own, I purchased a real nice house out in the country I was only 29 when I bought my home, all on my own, no help.. my parents have always been there for me 110% and we have a very close relationship that is closer than normal.. after 4 yrs of being alone not dating or anything not wanting to date, i wanted time to figure out who I was, and begin to focus on me, my life , what i want and to become a good mother, then I met my husband I am married to now.. he is wonderfull, perfect in every way , but it took 4 yrs of being alone, focusing on me, and my son to even want to meet someone, when I knew the time was right we dated.. when he asked me to marry him it scared the hell out of me, all the old stuff came back.. do I love him? do i want to spend the rest of my life with him? do I want to get married again? i knew the answers to that when I realized he was the first thing I thought of when I woke in the morning, and the last thing i thought of when I fell asleep, when I could imagine a life without him, when I would look into his eyes and could actually see the love he had for me, then i asked do I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and I realized I do want to spend a second without him, do I want to get married again, i filled with knots in my stomach and butterflies in my heart thinking about calling him my husband, that is when I knew i found my soul mate and best friend.. you are very young. I married the first time at 20.. I was way too young, and not inlove.. if you are having this big of doubts ( everyone does when they get married ) but if your doubts are actually causing you to be depressed and re think everything you want, have, and deserve then hun, please wait.. be engaged for a while, few yrs, figure out who you are inside, what you realy want with your life, where your heart realy lies.. dont be afraid to be on your own.. like I said, i was a single mother for 4 yrs before I re married, and in those yrs I accomplished more with my life than the 6 miserable yrs with my ex.. I bought a home, started a business, and then i found the love of my life.. if your bf is not your best friend, soul mate, the one you would turn to for absolutly anything in the worls, and feel 100% confident with your life with him, then please do not get married until you know for sure.. you do not want to spend yrs looking back at all the" what ifs" and " I should have's".. be you, find you, then figure the rest out


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