# Desperate need of help ASAP please



## Lifeishard (Jan 26, 2015)

I have been married for one year, separated for 6 months of that year. My husband basically told me I have to move back in by tomorrow to make this work or its over. He will be filing for divorce. Our biggest problem is after we got married, he completely changed the type of person he was. I used to be myself around him and that's what made me fall in love with him. Now he tells me he doesn't like anything about the person I am. He gets mad about how I get mad at him for something he did wrong as if I can't express my emotions. He says the way I express myself to him is disrespectful, yet he raises his voice at me but uses the "I try" not to as his excuse. He doesn't like the fact that I have an anti-social personality. Something he knew when he first met me. I get anxiety around strangers or big groups of people. He is social butterfly and expects me to be like him in that way. when it comes to his family, I understand that it bothers him that I'm like that but I really try my hardest to be more sociable with them but i try to tell him it's going to take me a while to feel 100% comfortable. I can't change overnight. It's unacceptable to him. His father interfers so much in our life and decision making and when I tell him that it bothers me or its a problem he gets so mad. I feel like he puts his family before me and I said that to him the other day. His response was....I didn't used to but yes now I do because we killed a big part of us. 
We never merged our money together because of my situation. My income supports my mom who is a senior and doesn't have anyone else to take care of her. I don't ask him for money. I also pay my bills and support myself with my income
He feels like I shouldn't make any major decisions in the house because I don't contribute.. . He also knew this before we got married. Money was never an issue but now it is, in order for me to have a say in the marriage. I contribute in other ways though. Doing all the housework. He barley lifts a finger and doesn't feel he needs to cause its not his job, because he pays the mortgage and works an extra hour a day more than me. Is this normal? I really want to know. I'm going crazy here.
Since we have been separated we have seen a counselor a couple times. We have been talking to try and work things out. I'm trying to change myself in a way to make him happy but I feel like I'm losing myself. I belive we should be able to be ourselves with our spouse. He doesn't agree when in a marriage u could/should be urself. He believes in change to make the other person happy. We are so opposite of each other and I'm ok with it, but he's not. He is overall a great person!!! I feel like he has power/control issues. Could I be wrong? Maybe I'm the problem here. I don't know. I'm so confused. I do love him but I don't want to live miserable rest of my life. I can't even imagine the differences we will have if kids are ever in the picture! he does have heart of gold. I don't want to lose a good person. Should I just suck it up and be who he wants me to be to make him happy? He says he is wrong when he speaks to me certain way and will apologize and say he will try to ease up on me but I don't know if I trust him. We both think that we will never be happy together and I really think a part of him doesn't want me to move back in. We just can't let each other go, but it's at the point now we both can't keep living like this and need to make a decision by tomorrow otherwise he is filing for divorce. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you date before you got married? 

C


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How old are you guys?

In what ways do you think he has a "heart of gold?"


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Do not get pregnant. Please.


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## Lifeishard (Jan 26, 2015)

We were friends for 2 yrs but only dated 6 mo before we got engaged for 8 months. We are both 33. I say heart of gold because he gets so emotional when he sees people hurting. Inc myself. If I begin to cry when we are fighting it breaks his heart. I can see it in his face. He stops fighting with me and starts to hug me real tight. He great with his nieces and nephews. 
-not planning on getting pregnant, but I feel so guilty about that. He wants kids so bad. I dont think its the right time until we figure us out


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yikes... so many red flags here. How did marriage counseling go? How did he respond to it? Why did you both quit going? Does he have any other issues to be concerned about? (Like drugs, alcohol, pornography, physical abuse, prior criminal behavior, etc.?)

Ultimately, if he can't show any flexibility, or willingness to resolve these issues amicably via whatever means necessary, the marriage will be doomed anyway. If he won't reconsider, I honestly think it might be a good idea for you to file for divorce first as a wake-up call for him. To show him you won't put up with it (I wouldn't be surprised if he is bluffing about him filing for divorce right away), and you don't need him. That might make him pause and rethink what he's done. Also, if he his "heart of gold" has caused him to present himself as a saint towards others whom everyone loves, but a monster at home with you, he'll be ashamed and afraid of the prospect of all of this becoming public.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

File for divorce and be glad you didnt invest more time than you have.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Does he have a 12 inch ****? That is the only thing I can think of why you both were so intoxicated with each other to get married.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lifeishard said:


> he gets so emotional when he sees people hurting. Inc myself. If I begin to cry when we are fighting it breaks his heart. I can see it in his face. He stops fighting with me and starts to hug me real tight. He great with his nieces and nephews.
> -not planning on getting pregnant, but I feel so guilty about that. He wants kids so bad. I don't think its the right time until we figure us out


Read this book and let me know if you see him in it:
FREE - Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" Read Online


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Lifeishard said:


> I have been married for one year, separated for 6 months of that year. My husband basically told me I have to move back in by tomorrow to make this work or its over. He will be filing for divorce. Our biggest problem is after we got married, he completely changed the type of person he was. I used to be myself around him and that's what made me fall in love with him. Now he tells me he doesn't like anything about the person I am. He gets mad about how I get mad at him for something he did wrong as if I can't express my emotions. He says the way I express myself to him is disrespectful, yet he raises his voice at me but uses the "I try" not to as his excuse. He doesn't like the fact that I have an anti-social personality. Something he knew when he first met me. I get anxiety around strangers or big groups of people. He is social butterfly and expects me to be like him in that way. when it comes to his family, I understand that it bothers him that I'm like that but I really try my hardest to be more sociable with them but i try to tell him it's going to take me a while to feel 100% comfortable. I can't change overnight. It's unacceptable to him. His father interfers so much in our life and decision making and when I tell him that it bothers me or its a problem he gets so mad. I feel like he puts his family before me and I said that to him the other day. His response was....I didn't used to but yes now I do because we killed a big part of us.
> We never merged our money together because of my situation. My income supports my mom who is a senior and doesn't have anyone else to take care of her. I don't ask him for money. I also pay my bills and support myself with my income
> He feels like I shouldn't make any major decisions in the house because I don't contribute.. . He also knew this before we got married. Money was never an issue but now it is, in order for me to have a say in the marriage. I contribute in other ways though. Doing all the housework. He barley lifts a finger and doesn't feel he needs to cause its not his job, because he pays the mortgage and works an extra hour a day more than me. Is this normal? I really want to know. I'm going crazy here.
> Since we have been separated we have seen a counselor a couple times. We have been talking to try and work things out. I'm trying to change myself in a way to make him happy but I feel like I'm losing myself. I belive we should be able to be ourselves with our spouse. He doesn't agree when in a marriage u could/should be urself. He believes in change to make the other person happy. We are so opposite of each other and I'm ok with it, but he's not. He is overall a great person!!! I feel like he has power/control issues. Could I be wrong? Maybe I'm the problem here. I don't know. I'm so confused. I do love him but I don't want to live miserable rest of my life. I can't even imagine the differences we will have if kids are ever in the picture! he does have heart of gold. I don't want to lose a good person. Should I just suck it up and be who he wants me to be to make him happy? He says he is wrong when he speaks to me certain way and will apologize and say he will try to ease up on me but I don't know if I trust him. We both think that we will never be happy together and I really think a part of him doesn't want me to move back in. We just can't let each other go, but it's at the point now we both can't keep living like this and need to make a decision by tomorrow otherwise he is filing for divorce. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!


Why does his father make most of the decisions for you guys? And why does your husband refuse to let you contribute to decisions in your household? Do you live with his family?


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