# Girl I Am Compatible With is a 5...Worth it?



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Been single for a couple of months now, and have had a few flings, which were amazing. I recently reconnected with an old friend, whom I also has a fling with in the past. It was great reconnecting, and turns out we have a lot in common, and share the same views on a lot of things in life. It seems we'd be a great match, save for one thing: she's a 5.

That sounds shallow, but if you're not physically attracted to someone, what's the point, right? That being said, I've had a failed marriage and a couple of failed LTRs. Maybe I need to look past that. And the biggest part of a compatible partner, to me, is sex frequency. She shares that, because our fling was amazing (for those wondering, it ended because she got transferred to OH for work). Times have changed and she doesn't look as good as she did- it's weight and habits, not looks.

Not looking for lectures on selfishness and shallowness. But, if not with this gal, maybe another. Do I have to get past less than ideal looks if she checks off other boxes?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Jayg14 said:


> Been single for a couple of months now, and have had a few flings, which were amazing. I recently reconnected with an old friend, whom I also has a fling with in the past. It was great reconnecting, and turns out we have a lot in common, and share the same views on a lot of things in life. It seems we'd be a great match, save for one thing: she's a 5.
> 
> That sounds shallow, but if you're not physically attracted to someone, what's the point, right? That being said, I've had a failed marriage and a couple of failed LTRs. Maybe I need to look past that. And the biggest part of a compatible partner, to me, is sex frequency. She shares that, because our fling was amazing (for those wondering, it ended because she got transferred to OH for work). Times have changed and she doesn't look as good as she did- it's weight and habits, not looks.
> 
> Not looking for lectures on selfishness and shallowness. But, if not with this gal, maybe another. Do I have to get past less than ideal looks if she checks off other boxes?


Hate to be no help at all, but this is truly a question only you can answer. How important is that physical attraction to you? If that is adequate today, will it be adequate in the future? 

But even more important than how you feel is whether or not you're being fair to her. How would she feel if she knew you rated her a '5'? Many men are with women who may never grace the cover of Maxim, but they are a '10' to their men. She should be given the opportunity to be with such a man.

If you are thinking she's attractive to you even if she doesn't meet society's standard of beauty, than that's probably okay. If not, and you're just "settling," that rarely works out in the long run.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Jayg14 said:
> 
> 
> > Been single for a couple of months now, and have had a few flings, which were amazing. I recently reconnected with an old friend, whom I also has a fling with in the past. It was great reconnecting, and turns out we have a lot in common, and share the same views on a lot of things in life. It seems we'd be a great match, save for one thing: she's a 5.
> ...


I appreciate the response and I guess I want to ask some men married 10+years: did you marry someone maybe less attractive than you or family\friends have come to expect\are used to with you, but she is ideal in every other way?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes perception can change that view. I have never been of the belief that physical beauty is totally irrelevant however, inner beauty can greatly influence the beholder's eye. Additionally, weight and habits can be altered if there is sufficient motivation. Perhaps you should allow a woman's inner beauty to play a larger role in your overall scoring system.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I wonder about that sometimes. My BF is HOT by traditional standards but it is his personality and intelligence that I find truly attractive, because I know the looks will mellow with time. We have a lot in common and I find peace with him that I never felt in a relationship before, maybe because I was content going into the relationship? He says he finds me beautiful very often but I'm sure he dated hotter, rather vapid women in the past before me. He tells me he has never been this happy. He could be blowing smoke, but somehow I don't think so. Judging from my POV, I don't feel I am settling at all so I guess of course I'm happy. Judging from his POV, he seems truly happy too with his choice. He never makes me feel anything less than beautiful.

My XH, however, was not traditionally attractive at all. He had charm and I was in love with him, so attractiveness wasn't a problem, I was plenty attracted to him. He ended up being a nut job. And he never wanted to have sex. So yeah...

Let me ask you this: if you met a woman who you shared a lot of values and interests with and you really clicked with, would YOU stay with HER if you learned she thought you were a 5?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Jayg14 said:


> Been single for a couple of months now, and have had a few flings, which were amazing. I recently reconnected with an old friend, whom I also has a fling with in the past. It was great reconnecting, and turns out we have a lot in common, and share the same views on a lot of things in life. It seems we'd be a great match, save for one thing: she's a 5.
> 
> That sounds shallow, but if you're not physically attracted to someone, what's the point, right? That being said, I've had a failed marriage and a couple of failed LTRs. Maybe I need to look past that. And the biggest part of a compatible partner, to me, is sex frequency. She shares that, because our fling was amazing (for those wondering, it ended because she got transferred to OH for work). Times have changed and she doesn't look as good as she did- it's weight and habits, not looks.
> 
> Not looking for lectures on selfishness and shallowness. But, if not with this gal, maybe another. Do I have to get past less than ideal looks if she checks off other boxes?


What age are you.Are you considered handsome and I don't mean your own opinions.You can spend the rest of your life waiting for the Scarlett Johanssen lookalike to throw herself at you but it may be a long wait.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

joannacroc said:


> I wonder about that sometimes. My BF is HOT by traditional standards but it is his personality and intelligence that I find truly attractive, because I know the looks will mellow with time. We have a lot in common and I find peace with him that I never felt in a relationship before, maybe because I was content going into the relationship? He says he finds me beautiful very often but I'm sure he dated hotter, rather vapid women in the past before me. He tells me he has never been this happy. He could be blowing smoke, but somehow I don't think so. Judging from my POV, I don't feel I am settling at all so I guess of course I'm happy. Judging from his POV, he seems truly happy too with his choice. He never makes me feel anything less than beautiful.
> 
> My XH, however, was not traditionally attractive at all. He had charm and I was in love with him, so attractiveness wasn't a problem, I was plenty attracted to him. He ended up being a nut job. And he never wanted to have sex. So yeah...
> 
> Let me ask you this: if you met a woman who you shared a lot of values and interests with and you really clicked with, would YOU stay with HER if you learned she thought you were a 5?


A woman like that wouldn't give me the time of day if she thought me a 5, so that question doesn't apply.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Weight can come off and habits can change. She sounds like a good choice to me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I wonder how you would feel if you saw another guy hitting on her.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Jayg14 said:


> I appreciate the response and I guess I want to ask some men married 10+years: did you marry someone maybe less attractive than you or family\friends have come to expect\are used to with you, but she is ideal in every other way?


Here's the critical part of this post: 
" ... maybe less attractive than you or family\friends have come to expect\are used to with you ... "

She is not under consideration to be your family or friends SO. Their opinion is irrelevant, and if you are to be a good man for someone who is "ideal in every other way," you need to make your assessment yourself and stand by it. 

I'm married 30 years. Some people told me I had dated finer physical specimens prior to meeting my wife. I didn't see it that way at all. I made my choice and stuck with it and wouldn't have it any other way. 30 years on, I find her the most beautiful woman on the planet, even more than when we met.

You need to ask yourself if you have, or will develop that type of feeling. Everything else is noise.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I wonder how you would feel if you saw another guy hitting on her.


Happy, because others
fond her attractive.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Jayg14 said:


> Happy, because others
> fond her attractive.


Well if you are being honest here then you two are not compatible.If you had any attraction for her then you would at least feel uncomfortable with someone hitting on her if not downright jealous.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Jayg14 said:


> Happy, because others
> fond her attractive.


While this is understandable, it still points to you needing external validation for your attraction to her. This sounds less good with each post. 

Go straight to the bottom line. Eliminate or ignore the rest of the world--friends/family/strangers and ask yourself: Do YOU want to be with her or not?


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

You're single two months and had a few flings already? Wow. I'm doing something wrong. Ha ha. 

Still, what's the deal? Are you looking to be exclusive and settle down already? If you like her company that's a good thing, right? 

But I suspect that your merely asking the question might be a hint. I think you'd do yourself and whoever your partner ends up to be a favor by slowing down until you're finished doing the soul searching.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> Jayg14 said:
> 
> 
> > Happy, because others
> ...


No, IMO, it's weak and needy to feel jealous. If a man hits on her and she goes with him, then I saved myself years of heartache and possibly thousands of dollars in legal fees. Otherwise, its a compliment, as others find her attractive.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Jayg14 said:
> 
> 
> > Happy, because others
> ...


I want to have a fling with her and see if this has long term potential, but not sure about how she's changed physically. Need to she if she wants to change.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Jayg14 said:


> I appreciate the response and I guess I want to ask some men married 10+years: did you marry someone maybe less attractive than you or family\friends have come to expect\are used to with you, but she is ideal in every other way?


Ok. I would probably be labeled a 7, 8 on a good day, and am 46. Been with my wife going on 26 years, 22 married.

When we met, I was easily a 9, 10 on good days.

I dated a pretty big range from the wild and fun 4-5, to the rather exotic 9/10.

Among the women I was with was a model, a Budweiser girl, a belly dancer and a 6'2" bombshell that had a hotter bod than Uma.

Some of them were very nice women and would have made good mates but I was an a hole.

Well when I met the future Mrs. Conan, she was 5' nothing. Cute in a Sally Fields kind of way. Definitely no model and probably a 5 or 6 on most scales. She had an awesome rear and tight little body and still does.

She was it. Hands down, no competition. She made me happier than anyone else in the world and still does.

She's fn gorgeous to me and she honestly can turn heads but I think she has literally become more beautiful over the years.

Maybe that is what happiness can do.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Haiku said:


> You're single two months and had a few flings already? Wow. I'm doing something wrong. Ha ha.
> 
> Still, what's the deal? Are you looking to be exclusive and settle down already? If you like her company that's a good thing, right?
> 
> But I suspect that your merely asking the question might be a hint. I think you'd do yourself and whoever your partner ends up to be a favor by slowing down until you're finished doing the soul searching.


Like I said, I want to make sure I am considering everything and not overlooking anything with regards to a good match


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Jayg14 said:


> No, IMO, it's weak and needy to feel jealous. If a man hits on her and she goes with him, then I saved myself years of heartache and possibly thousands of dollars in legal fees. Otherwise, its a compliment, as others find her attractive.


Buddy I thought you were wondering should you date this woman,you are allready past thinking about marriage and on to divorce.Slow down and live a little.You still haven't said how old you are.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Jayg14 said:
> 
> 
> > I appreciate the response and I guess I want to ask some men married 10+years: did you marry someone maybe less attractive than you or family\friends have come to expect\are used to with you, but she is ideal in every other way?
> ...


This is a great post, thanks. And dude, Sally Field is a 7 NOW, she was a 9 in her 20s and 30s!!


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> Jayg14 said:
> 
> 
> > No, IMO, it's weak and needy to feel jealous. If a man hits on her and she goes with him, then I saved myself years of heartache and possibly thousands of dollars in legal fees. Otherwise, its a compliment, as others find her attractive.
> ...


I didn't mean marriage to her, rather my future partner, whomever she is. Getting close to 40.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Jayg14 said:


> Been single for a couple of months now, and have had a few flings, which were amazing. I recently reconnected with an old friend, whom I also has a fling with in the past. It was great reconnecting, and turns out we have a lot in common, and share the same views on a lot of things in life. It seems we'd be a great match, save for one thing: she's a 5.
> 
> That sounds shallow, but if you're not physically attracted to someone, what's the point, right? That being said, I've had a failed marriage and a couple of failed LTRs. Maybe I need to look past that. And the biggest part of a compatible partner, to me, is sex frequency. She shares that, because our fling was amazing (for those wondering, it ended because she got transferred to OH for work). Times have changed and she doesn't look as good as she did- it's weight and habits, not looks.
> 
> Not looking for lectures on selfishness and shallowness. But, if not with this gal, maybe another. Do I have to get past less than ideal looks if she checks off other boxes?



If you are not attracted to her, take a pass.

Sex is part of marriage or any long term coupled relationship. Look at the posts we sometimes see here where (often women) say they married some guy who they thought was a decent, nice guy, a "good provider", but didn't feel much sexual attraction for him. They either hoped it would develop or would become a non-issue. Instead, they are facing a situation 10 years into a marriage where there is conflict because their husbands feel they are being denied sex, it's always an issue, or worse, she feels attraction to a DIFFERENT guy. The responders always pile on those people (often women, it seems) who married and misrepresented their level of attraction-- in fact, the charge of "gold digger" is often leveled, in the right circumstances. Those people get savaged.

What I am trying to say is that YOU get to see that sort of situation AHEAD of time. Avoid it. Otherwise, you'll be posting here in 10 years, and people will be taking YOU to task for marrying someone that you really didn't feel passionate about---unfairly misrepresenting your feelings to your spouse, essentially.

Attraction and sex is part of a relationship. It's not shallow. Your partner deserves you to be all in.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Jayg14 said:


> Like I said, I want to make sure I am considering everything and not overlooking anything with regards to a good match


So let's say you decide to give deference to being a good match. The fact that you see her as unattractive will then magically disappear?


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Haiku said:


> Jayg14 said:
> 
> 
> > Like I said, I want to make sure I am considering everything and not overlooking anything with regards to a good match
> ...


If a woman, NOT NECESSARILY this one, is less than my ideal regarding attraction, should I consider looking past that if she checks off all of the other boxes?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Ok. I would probably be labeled a 7, 8 on a good day, and am 46. Been with my wife going on 26 years, 22 married.
> 
> When we met, I was easily a 9, 10 on good days.
> 
> ...


That is really great my friend.This is what every man wants and from what I read on tam very few of them succeed.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If she is only a 5, don't date her anymore. Eventually you will grow to despise all the reasons she is only a 5, and it won't even be her fault you hate her, but it will be your fault for staying with her so long. Let her go so she can find a guy who thinks she is a 10 and who will cherish her.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> If she is only a 5, don't date her anymore. Eventually you will grow to despise all the reasons she is only a 5, and it won't even be her fault you hate her, but it will be your fault for staying with her so long. Let her go so she can find a guy who thinks she is a 10 and who will cherish her.


Yep.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> If she is only a 5, don't date her anymore. Eventually you will grow to despise all the reasons she is only a 5, and it won't even be her fault you hate her, but it will be your fault for staying with her so long. Let her go so she can find a guy who thinks she is a 10 and who will cherish her.


Appreciate you posting. Not dating her, just wondering if I should and you don't think I should.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Jayg14 said:


> Appreciate you posting. Not dating her, just wondering if I should and you don't think I should.


You were looking for honest input and @IMFarAboveRubies point is undeniable.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Jayg14 said:


> Appreciate you posting. Not dating her, just wondering if I should and you don't think I should.


Look,I could be a smart ass here and tell you not to date her because she is too good for you,but I won't.Your problem is you are nearing forty.To be brutally honest your days of attracting 10s are over.If you have the cash to spend you may get a few gold diggers but that's about it.You need to decide do you want a trophy girlfriend or do you want a companion and judging by your posts it's the trophy gf you want.Theres nothing wrong with that but you have to be realistic.No hot twenty year old is going to fall in love with you and if you get one it is going to cost you.Every man and women eventually realises that they are not twenty anymore and you need to do the same.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Jayg14 said:


> This is a great post, thanks. And dude, Sally Field is a 7 NOW, she was a 9 in her 20s and 30s!!


I guess everyone has some kind of scale. I never really cared.

The Budweiser girl looked a lot like Samantha Fox and the amazon bombshell was probably hotter than her so I had to figure out what other people might rate them.

Mrs. C is a 10, the only 10 in my world.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> Jayg14 said:
> 
> 
> > Appreciate you posting. Not dating her, just wondering if I should and you don't think I should.
> ...




No such thing as a 10, as no one is perfect. I will bed the 20 year olds, but I know I won't get them long term. I'm okay with a 6 or 7.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

FWiW she'd be a 7 if she lost weight.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Jayg14 said:


> FWiW she'd be a 7 if she lost weight.


Maybe if she had good inspiration? You could be good for her and likewise.

I'm probably a hopeless romantic combined with a helping of pragmatic skeptic.

Seems like you have something to work with here.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Jayg14 said:


> No such thing as a 10, as no one is perfect. I will bed the 20 year olds, but I know I won't get them long term. I'm okay with a 6 or 7.


Since you set the rules for no lectures on shallowness I'll respect them and head back to the social forum where I belong.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jayg14 said:


> Been single for a couple of months now, and have had a few flings, which were amazing. I recently reconnected with an old friend, whom I also has a fling with in the past. It was great reconnecting, and turns out we have a lot in common, and share the same views on a lot of things in life. It seems we'd be a great match, save for one thing: she's a 5.
> 
> That sounds shallow, but if you're not physically attracted to someone, what's the point, right? That being said, I've had a failed marriage and a couple of failed LTRs. Maybe I need to look past that. And the biggest part of a compatible partner, to me, is sex frequency. She shares that, because our fling was amazing (for those wondering, it ended because she got transferred to OH for work). Times have changed and she doesn't look as good as she did- it's weight and habits, not looks.
> 
> Not looking for lectures on selfishness and shallowness. But, if not with this gal, maybe another. Do I have to get past less than ideal looks if she checks off other boxes?


Attraction is a big part of marriage and relationships in general. Don't discount it because people think you are shallow. Are you attracted to her that is the question not if others are.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jayg14 said:


> Happy, because others
> fond her attractive.


I think that identifies this a very important to you. I doubt she will want to live up to that. It's one thing to try to look good for a mate, it's another to try to do it to impress others for your mate. If that is the way you feel then this woman is probably not the one for you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

joannacroc said:


> I wonder about that sometimes. My BF is HOT by traditional standards but it is his personality and intelligence that I find truly attractive, because I know the looks will mellow with time. We have a lot in common and I find peace with him that I never felt in a relationship before, maybe because I was content going into the relationship? He says he finds me beautiful very often but I'm sure he dated hotter, rather vapid women in the past before me. He tells me he has never been this happy. He could be blowing smoke, but somehow I don't think so. Judging from my POV, I don't feel I am settling at all so I guess of course I'm happy. Judging from his POV, he seems truly happy too with his choice. He never makes me feel anything less than beautiful.
> 
> My XH, however, was not traditionally attractive at all. He had charm and I was in love with him, so attractiveness wasn't a problem, I was plenty attracted to him. He ended up being a nut job. And he never wanted to have sex. So yeah...
> 
> Let me ask you this: if you met a woman who you shared a lot of values and interests with and you really clicked with, would YOU stay with HER *if you learned she thought you were a 5?*


She is wrong, it is longer than that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My mothers cousin was a 10. Really handsome, great personality. He was Nordic, blonde, blue eyes, built nice.

He went through a whole lot of women who were 9's and 10's....

All the other men in our family were jealous of him. I was a boy/teen at the time.

He got married for the third time and was the happiest anyone had ever seen him.

His new wife was almost 6 ft tall, big boned, thick glasses and well, not pretty. Not pretty at all.

My mother was very close to him. She flat out asked him, why her?

He said the other women were plastic and melted in the sun. They were fake and fragile.

This one, his new wife was built like a tank. He could take her anywhere, rain, snow or shine. She never complained about anything.

She was a good cook, was a hard worker.

Oh, she also wore him out in bed.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

First you need to be honest with your self on the question of whether or not *you* are attracted to her, or whether you are worried that your friends will not think she is hot enough. Then you have to be honest about how much each of those matters to you.

An attractive partner can be a status symbol, in the same way as a fancy car. You may not actually make use of the performance of a Ferrari, and its noisy and uncomfortable, but you buy it to make other people think you are successful - or not. 

My wife is beautiful to me, when I met her, and 35 years later. I have never cared if anyone else found her beautiful. But then I've mostly driven econo-boxes because I'm not status conscious. (Or am I working very hard to obtain the status of not seeming status conscious????).

There is nothing wrong with deciding not to date someone based on appearance (or for any other reason) if that is important to you. Just be sure that you are being honest with yourself about your reasons.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Your numerology requirement is apt to be different at different stages in your life.

At 57 I'm more concerned with emotional state, where my wife scores an easy negative infinity. Physically she's a 9+ for women her age (58) for all the good that has done.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jayg14 said:


> Been single for a couple of months now, and have had a few flings, which were amazing. I recently reconnected with an old friend, whom I also has a fling with in the past. It was great reconnecting, and turns out we have a lot in common, and share the same views on a lot of things in life. It seems we'd be a great match, save for one thing: she's a 5.
> 
> That sounds shallow, but if you're not physically attracted to someone, what's the point, right? That being said, I've had a failed marriage and a couple of failed LTRs. Maybe I need to look past that. And the biggest part of a compatible partner, to me, is sex frequency. She shares that, because our fling was amazing (for those wondering, it ended because she got transferred to OH for work). Times have changed and she doesn't look as good as she did- it's weight and habits, not looks.
> 
> Not looking for lectures on selfishness and shallowness. But, if not with this gal, maybe another. Do I have to get past less than ideal looks if she checks off other boxes?


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I'd rather be called shallow than waste someone's time by going for her when I'm not even attracted to her. Prefer to let her go find someone who can actually appreciate her.

In the meantime, I would go for someone else. Personally I never date below an 8, and an 8 on my scale is my personal preferences, there's tons of women who I find attractive that no one seem to and vice versa.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Jay, if she were to read this post, do you think she'd work harder at losing the weight, knowing how you feel, or just want you to go find someone you're more attracted to? 

The reason I ask is that the board is rife with people who compromise on things they think are not important, but then years later find that they regret ignoring their own boundaries and preferences. 

As a woman who was average in looks until my 30s, I learned that attraction level is important to many men. I wished more would had admired my maturity, loyalty, and capacity to love, but I wouldn't hold it against them. 

I'm not going to call you shallow. It's OK to have a preference. It's OK to to acknowledge you're not incredibly attracted to her. There's a man out there who is. I think we all deserve to both feel that way about someone and have them feel that way about us in return.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
First, I do not believe that being overweight is a superficial characteristic. It denotes lack of self control, self respect and concern for one health. I do not find these "superficial". Having said that, your numbering system is rather juvenile. Either you are attracted to her or you are not, of what relevance is a number save to rate how OTHERS view your mate? Too many factors are involved to assign numbers to beauty.

My wife was a 9-10, by your numerical assessment system, when we met, she was often the most attractive woman in any given room. She has aged well and is still closer to 10 than 5 however, because of what she has done throughout our marriage, I do not find her nearly as attractive as I would otherwise, had she not behaved as she did.

The best anyone can hope for is for their mate to have traits and characteristics that are beautiful. What others think or see is irrelevant. If the perception of others is weighing into your numerical grading system then you are not yet ready for a truly mature relationship. For now enjoying bedding the females while you can and when/if you mature beyond what others see/think then consider finding a woman and settling down.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How overweight is she? How old is she? If she's 10-15 pounds over what she used to be as a much younger woman, maybe this is her new average middle aged weight and it's not gonna change.

I used to be 105 lbs as a 20 to 30 something. I was very slight. I'm my late 40s now I'm not overweight, but I'll never be 105 again as permanent weight. She may not want to or be capable of sustaining a weight loss you'd require to find her attractive.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Satya said:


> Jay, if she were to read this post, do you think she'd work harder at losing the weight, knowing how you feel, or just want you to go find someone you're more attracted to?
> 
> The reason I ask is that the board is rife with people who compromise on things they think are not important, but then years later find that they regret ignoring their own boundaries and preferences.
> 
> ...


I think he is attracted to her on many levels but her physical appearance, while not repulsive to him, is average at best in his eyes.

I understand the numbering system but have never paid it much attention. 

Many people have paired up with partners because of all the other attributes aside from physical beauty.

They are actually the smart ones because physical beauty by itself, does nothing to help, improve or strengthen a relationship.

BTW. What is up with that "Awful Truth" avatar? LOL!:grin2:


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would be careful at the thought of just simply wishing a woman's weight away.

My husband's so-called friend had self-described on a social media site that she was 50 pounds overweight and hoped "to loose _(sic)_" that by the time she turned 30.

I think she was also tired of only attracting "older" men (10 years+ compared to her) like my husband and the other guy she dumped him for.

50 pounds overweight, at a time in your life when metabolism is going to start to tank?

When my husband was still FB friends with her, I noticed how she had to chronicle her diet and exercise habits on her wall. Even mentioning how people she doesn't know at the gym were telling her how great she looked.

Ok, bad girl me would check her public FB page (my husband de friended her) as she changed her photo every 6 months. 

Judging from the photos, she did not loose _(sic)_ that weight until she was 34 --5 years later. 

So, I would not make any bets on anyone losing weight. And I get the feeling that a lot of personal trainers will tell you that the time a woman is really interested in losing weight is when her marriage has collapsed. 

I also think that it's easier to lose weight when you're not dating or in a relationship. My mother said she lost weight immediately after my father died. Maybe it was a bit of depression, but she said it because she didn't have to cook for anyone and she could eat when she felt like it.

I gained weight when I started dating my husband, in part, because he likes restaurant eating as well. ....... but, thankfully, the amount that I need to lose to get back to a decent BMI is well under 50.

Just don't bet on her losing weight. And expecting someone to lose weight as a requirement for a relationship ........just simply does not work.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> Your numerology requirement is apt to be different at different stages in your life.
> 
> At 57 I'm more concerned with emotional state, where my wife scores an easy negative infinity. Physically she's a 9+ for women her age (58) for all the good that has done.


Ah, yes!

Caress my old bone(s) a little, my emotions a lot.

When your skeleton fails, you get a walker or a wheel chair.

When your mind fails....you fail: are the walking dead.

Attaboys from women stretch out the failing....keeping one from falling face down in the mud, until another day, another time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> I would be careful at the thought of just simply wishing a woman's weight away.
> 
> My husband's so-called friend had self-described on a social media site that she was 50 pounds overweight and hoped "to loose _(sic)_" that by the time she turned 30.
> 
> ...


Nice post...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Adding to what @NextTimeAround said:

It is very hard for a women to lose weight....harder to keep it off. It has to be a life time commitment. A hard commitment. And one that keeps lowering the caloric number as women age.

Think about it.

Lets say the average healthy man weighs 180 lbs. To maintain that weight you need to eat, let's say ~2000 calories a day. Might be higher or lower depending on activity and age.

The average healthy women weighs, lets say ~130 lbs to be at her "ideal" weight. That is a lot fewer pounds to feed and maintain. She would likely be able to eat 1400 calories a day if she is not very active...to maintain that weight.

In my book, that is starvation. I eat a lot more than that at 175 lbs. But, I must be very active to do so.

The decks are stacked against women on this topic....And that is why so many women are stacked...

Be healthy, be happy. I like em' all.

Just Sayin'


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> BTW. What is up with that "Awful Truth" avatar? LOL!:grin2:


Not to t/j, but I would have preferred the word "awful" wasn't there. I just think that for the most part, it's truth. Not meant to be degrading at all. It just is.

And to your comments, I agree. I do think, however, that most men do not think to seek needs beyond attractiveness until they reach either a certain age or stage in life. They will usually go for the looks and hope that the other aspects and personality traits are beautiful as well. IMO it's backwards thinking, but nature doesn't care what I think.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Wife is a size 4, 5 ft 6, 125-128 lb. This requires 1.5 hr a day on treadmill, and a very vegetarian based starvation diet. Highest I remember her was 140 post pregnancy. 

Physically she's a tremendous specimen, able to cycle 30-35 miles, walk 15-20 miles, or spread 15 cubic yards of mulch in a weekend. 

There are several musculoskeletal issues that pop up every weekend of course 😷😀


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jayg14 said:


> I want to have a fling with her and see if this has long term potential, but not sure about how she's changed physically. Need to she if she wants to change.


Oh for Christ's sake.

Are you ever going to EVOLVE and stop thinking with your damned ****? You're almost 40 years old and you sound like some dumb-ass 22 year old.

So she's good enough to be a piece of ass for you, but not good enough to bring around your friends. Kinda like a Moped - fun to ride but you don't want your friends to see you on one. Got it.

How arrogant of you to think you're such a freakin' prize that she'd have to 'agree' to change for you, jumping around like a trained seal improving herself JUST for the privilege of being 'more' than a piece of ass for you. Only a pathetically desperate woman would do that. Maybe she's desperate enough, who knows?

And don't bother with your comments about me being a fatty and sticking up for overweight people because I weigh 106. I'm just pointing out the glaringly arrogant and immature things you've said.

But here's a thought - since you're_ such _a Casanova with the ladies, why would you even *bother* wasting your time with this "5" when all the "8's" and "9's" are probably lined up outside your door, fighting each other off with sticks JUST to be first in line? :rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Jayg14 said:


> I recently reconnected with an old friend, whom I also has a fling with in the past. It was great reconnecting, and turns out we have a lot in common, and share the same views on a lot of things in life. It seems we'd be a great match, save for one thing: she's a 5.
> 
> That sounds shallow, but if you're not physically attracted to someone, what's the point, right? Maybe I need to look past that. And the biggest part of a compatible partner, to me, is sex frequency. She shares that, because our fling was amazing (for those wondering, it ended because she got transferred to OH for work). Times have changed and she doesn't look as good as she did- it's weight and habits, not looks.
> 
> Not looking for lectures on selfishness and shallowness. But, if not with this gal, maybe another. Do I have to get past less than ideal looks if she checks off other boxes?


I thought by the words in red that you were already dating her again. One never knows anymore what someone else considers dating.

I misunderstood you.

I will reword my post: Don't start dating her. Keep her in the friend zone. Don't start having sex with her again because you will become emotionally attached, and possibly end up a couple. Then you will start hating her for all the reasons she is not a 5. 

Better yet, don't even rekindle the friendship, because since you already have a history, you are likely to take the natural progression of getting closer and eventually dating her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

john117 said:


> Wife is a size 4, 5 ft 6, 125-128 lb. This requires 1.5 hr a day on treadmill, and a very vegetarian based starvation diet. Highest I remember her was 140 post pregnancy.
> 
> Physically she's a tremendous specimen, able to cycle 30-35 miles, walk 15-20 miles, or spread 15 cubic yards of mulch in a weekend.
> 
> There are several musculoskeletal issues that pop up every weekend of course 😷😀


So you e got yourself a gorgeous, mentally hard to deal with wife that wants no sex.

I'm seeing your problem.....

Hard to pull the trigger.....,


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have a different take on this.

I also like beautiful women. I want one that I love to look at. Most importantly, one that I like looking st in the morning in bed with no makeup.

I have found that when you find the right one and they have the right looks for you (good enough, not necessarily a "ten"), once you start liking them as a person and fall in love with them, they suddenly are a ten in my eyes. 

I know my gf is not a ten yo some people, nor my ex wife-- but when I'm in love with them, they are gorgeous. I can't get enough of each imperfect part.

My gf has actually gotten prettier to me. Much prettier. Although I thought even before I loved her that she was very attractive.

My ex wife has been knocked back down to her reality level of a 5. When we were married, I really felt she was an 8-10, according to what day it was. She wAs always a ten when she doctored on my kids injuries, or cooked supper, or gave me great, passionate sex.

It's not all about how they look, there's a lot to it that depends on how you feel about them.

If you really like her and still think she's only a five--- move on. Or, keep her because you're shallow and she's as good as you'll likely ever do. I don't know which. Really.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> Not to t/j, but I would have preferred the word "awful" wasn't there. I just think that for the most part, it's truth. Not meant to be degrading at all. It just is.
> 
> And to your comments, I agree. I do think, however, that most men do not think to seek needs beyond attractiveness until they reach either a certain age or stage in life. They will usually go for the looks and hope that the other aspects and personality traits are beautiful as well. IMO it's backwards thinking, but *nature doesn't care what I think[*.


I do.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you e got yourself a gorgeous, mentally hard to deal with wife that wants no sex.
> 
> I'm seeing your problem.....
> 
> Hard to pull the trigger.....,


Did I mention nice six figure income 😀

There is a baseline of physical attraction but a 5 should be fine. With a little bit of work a 5 can be made into better, just like OP. 

If she wants to do it for herself, it's great. If she's interested in staying a 5, that's not as good. 

To a great extent it's attitude more than raw score.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

I'm currently separated from my husband. He told me that he's "less attracted to me" since I've gained weight after 2 children (one of whom is still breastfeeding). To be clear when we married 13 years ago I was a size 8 and now I am a size 12, so we are not talking like I went from a size 2 to a size 28. I wasn't stick thin then and I am not huge now (I am tall). He's backpeddling on that statement now but thanks to that among many factors I can't ever see myself in a relationship with him again. I AM losing weight (counting calories, lifting weights, running), but I would never want someone who wanted me contingent on me getting back to my fighting weight. I would never want to be with someone who found me BARELY MINIMALLY attractive. I would far rather find someone who adores me at my current "plump" weight and then pleasantly surprise them by losing weight. I am cringing thinking of you getting with this poor girl and being secretly disgusted by her every time she eats a cookie. Do her a favor and don't pursue a relationship with her. Let her find a man who thinks she is a goddess. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Got to agree with She'sStillGotIt here, dude. If you're such a player with all these amazing flings in the short 2 months you've been single, you'll have no problems finding a 25-30 year old 8-9 who you'll click with and deserves you.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

If you're not physically attracted, then it sounds like you're not really compatible.

Desire is one of the characteristics of compatibility.

IME, however, a girl that others would rate a 3-4 raises to a 7-8 for me, if we're compatible!


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jayg14 said:
> 
> 
> > I want to have a fling with her and see if this has long term potential, but not sure about how she's changed physically. Need to she if she wants to change.
> ...


Appreciate the response. I challenge you to help me evolve, as you put it.

Sorry, IMO, if you don't have. A healthy sex life, there's no reason to have a LATE..

Never said I was God's gift to women. Far from it.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

My phone won't let me edit posts. LATE should be LTR.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

TAM2013 said:


> Got to agree with She'sStillGotIt here, dude. If you're such a player with all these amazing flings in the short 2 months you've been single, you'll have no problems finding a 25-30 year old 8-9 who you'll click with and deserves you.


Two flings is all. Never said it was a new gal weekly.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Jayg14 said:


> Two flings is all. Never said it was a new gal weekly.


How do you define fling?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hey,
You were being honest calling it whatever the heck you want. You assigned a number; how else could you explain?

She's a 5, you're wanting more than a 5. It's simple, you keep looking. If she is a 10 on the personality and temperament, you might rethink her 5 on the looks. 

Here's MY thinking, doesn't have to be yours. IF I found a woman that was a "10" on character, personality, temperament, intelligence; and she was a 5 on looks.................... I'd average that crap out to be a 7.5 and giver her 2 points for being a helluva catch and round it to a 10. A ten on what I mentioned------- geez. That's a freaking unicorn! I don't care if the unicorn's horn isn't quite as long as I hoped, or the fur the wrong color. It's a unicorn. And I'd want to make it my unicorn.

I guess what I've determined is that I am a score average-er, biased toward the character and personality/intelligence.

There isn't a dang thing wrong with you making the call that she's not attractive enough for you. It's YOUR life, why should you give a crap if someone calls you shallow, etc. They don't have to marry the "5", LOL.

Carry on. I'm not offended at all by your description. You're just trying to communicate. If someone wants to judge you harshly, let them. Who cares. It's an internet nobody, just like me.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Jayg14 said:
> 
> 
> > Two flings is all. Never said it was a new gal weekly.
> ...


Short period of time (anywhere from a weekend to a year), with a FWB situation, leaning more to the B than the F.

In my case, one was a weekend, the other a month.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

My personal standard is I won't date people I'm not attracted to, no matter what other good qualities they have. I can be friends with them, but it won't be a romantic relationship if there isn't attraction. Only you get to decide what her level of attractiveness is (physical beauty plus other characteristics) and see if they meet your standards. If not, then don't date her.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jayg14 said:
> 
> 
> > I want to have a fling with her and see if this has long term potential, but not sure about how she's changed physically. Need to she if she wants to change.
> ...


 @She'sStillGotIt, Still waiting on your suggestions on how I can evolve and still have sex in my relationships after enduring a sexless marriage.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
As Evinrude said Things average out by overall comparison. If I may ask what number did you assign to your Ex-wife prior to marriage? And then after years of sexless marriage? Numbers change.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Jayg14 said:


> Still waiting on your suggestions on how I can evolve and still have sex in my relationships after enduring a sexless marriage.


By fixing yourself first. I found a therapist was profoundly helpful. What's your alternative trial and error?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

@jayg14

Here's a song for you:


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Leave the poor girl alone and let her find someone that thinks she's a ten, she deserves better than someone who already is disappointed in her. It's truly OK if you don't find her attractive but that in no way means she's not attractive, only not attractive to you. Entering into a relationship with someone you don't appreciate is a recipe for disaster.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> As Evinrude said Things average out by overall comparison. If I may ask what number did you assign to your Ex-wife prior to marriage? And then after years of sexless marriage? Numbers change.


Numbers only refer to looks, IME. This forum is the first time that I've heard anyone assign #s to personality traits.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Haiku said:


> By fixing yourself first. I found a therapist was profoundly helpful. What's your alternative trial and error?


I only did therapy when my ex announced she was leaving. And then only 3 sessions, as that was all that was covered by my insurance. How else does one find the right partner? Trial and error.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Jayg14 said:


> I only did therapy when my ex announced she was leaving. And then only 3 sessions, as that was all that was covered by my insurance. How else does one find the right partner? Trial and error.


Keep participating on threads around here. You may learn new things about yourself.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Bananapeel said:


> My personal standard is I won't date people I'm not attracted to, no matter what other good qualities they have. I can be friends with them, but it won't be a romantic relationship if there isn't attraction. Only you get to decide what her level of attractiveness is (physical beauty plus other characteristics) and see if they meet your standards. If not, then don't date her.



^^^^^This times 1,000. It's really fairly simple and straightforward in my mind. I never once asked out a girl I wasn't at least physically attracted to. Now they have to be more than just pretty to be considered relationship material but they had to be attractive to me in order to be date material. I can't imagine anyone would think to do it a different way.

Now, having said that, I have met women over the years that I knew socially or through work that I didn't find all that attractive initially but once I got to know them, their personality made them more so. Doesn't mean that I would have necessarily dated them as I've been married 31 years and this is all hypothetical anyway, but that's OP's dilemma. 

Only OP can judge what he will or will not accept. I was fortunate in that I was very attracted to my wife. She was the hottest woman I ever dated so it was an easy call for me. I suppose I just assumed that it would be similar for others.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

RandomDude said:


> Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I'd rather be called shallow than waste someone's time by going for her when I'm not even attracted to her. Prefer to let her go find someone who can actually appreciate her.
> 
> In the meantime, I would go for someone else. Personally I never date below an 8, and an 8 on my scale is my personal preferences, there's tons of women who I find attractive that no one seem to and vice versa.


Yeah, this. Rating somebody is silly, IMO, as your rating does not equal somebody else's. If there was ever anything that was subjective, it's this.

Bottom line is simple - if you don't have a physical or sexual attraction to somebody, and it's important to you, don't date them, regardless of whether they tick the other boxes or not. I'm not sure why this is so hard a concept to grasp.

Funny story - I was interested in this girl a long time ago, we had great chemistry, and we spent a lot of time together for a little while. She friend-zoned me, because I wasn't tall enough for her (I'm 5'7, she was 5'3...). That was the only reason. I was actually okay with it in the long run, because the inevitable would have happened eventually. Was it shallow of her? Well, yeah. But it's not illegitimate, either. At least she was honest!

I don't mean to minimize the OP's question, but AFAIC concerned, if you have to ask something like this... you already know the answer.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I just went back and re read your first post. Even though you have known this gal for some time it sounds like you are only now considering her for a relationship. I say your thinking marriage or long term is way to quick, especially since you've only been single for a couple of months. Just hang out and have fun.

There is the possibility once you have spent a significant amount of time together you will lose focus of her looks. I couldn't tell you number of times I have met a 5 and ended up be blown away by her and becoming attracted to her, chemistry is a funny thing. The big BUT is you though, you know yourself better than anyone, if you absolutely need her to be eye candy regardless of all else then pass this girl up. 

My guess is you will never fall in love with her anyway since you have negative thoughts running thru your head, you now have a mental wall up and that simply won't let love develop with her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Soooo, she was attractive enough for you to have sex with, but not attractive enough to be your partner..?? Sorry, but that really IS shallow. Do her a favor and let her go.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Dating is tough, especially after you've been married at least one time. I already narrow down what I'm looking for to begin with, but then I'd also like the attraction to be there. There is this woman on facebook who is crushing on me and while she was extremely attractive like 8 years ago, she has put on a lot of weight. I want to be able to look past that, but I've been busting my hump to eat better and get in shape and it's working.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I want to say for the record, that I'm not looking to marry this girl, shoot, we haven't even started dating. What I was asking, is instead of just looking for someone who matches the same libido level that I have, I want to consider someone who I actually enjoyed being with and talking to. Obviously, those things are important, but what I'm starting to find is they should be part of a total package, and not a numbered list of 1 thru 10 you, with sex the most important. That's all I meant by that.


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

I'm 37. When I was in my early 20s, I worked at a restaurant with a bunch of my college buddies. A friend of a friend showed up once, a really nice girl who was also probably about a 5. I got the impression she was attracted to me, but we ended up becoming good friends. That's where it stayed for a while.

Until one day, when she showed up at the restaurant again, I just lit up like a Christmas tree inside. I was so excited and happy to see her, and couldn't wait to spend time with her. She was fun, and happy, and vibrant, and funny as hell. I couldn't get enough of her company.

She was the exact opposite of the type of girl I went for physically, but my heart was drawn to her.

And so we dated.

We didn't last, she was an alcoholic and I was a massive pot smoker. But we had a lot of fun together. I have a GF now that I love like I've never loved any other woman before. But I've thought that if we had met at a different point in our lives, where we were both more mature, we could have been a pretty damned good match.

And the sex... Let's just say that, during periods of extended singlehood on my part throughout my life, there were times where I would think back to times with her and spray the walls.

And she was a 5.

I'm not saying to definitely go for it. But I wouldn't rule it out either. I personally don't see anything wrong with having fun together with no expectations of anything serious for a while and just see where it goes.


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