# Is there anyone right way to ask why?



## SomeGuyWhoNeedsHelp (Nov 21, 2014)

Married 15 years, two boys 14 and 12, one daughter 6. Just found out yesterday when getting the response from my divorce petition that I am not the father of my daughter. I do have a lawyer.
We have been separated for 4 years, and I found out today that this has been an ongoing relationship. I pretty sure that when she got pregnant it wasn't the first time, but I am upset to know that she hasn't stopped even though I've never even considered dating during the separation.
During the four years, we tried counseling. I thought we agreed to work on it but I would let her move with the younger son and daughter, and I would follow when I found a job. She moved in with the biological father, but she had told me for years that he was like a brother to her and she could never sleep with him.
I feel like such a moron for not noticing the things that are staring me in the face now. In the years before moving back, she stayed at his house in the summer because it was her home state. When my daughter was conceived, I had come down for a visit and my wife wanted to have sex with me almost immediately. She had been gone for six weeks, so I didn't say no. But she was obviously covering her tracks - she was out of birth control and needed to make sure I was duped if she ended up pregnant. After our daughter was born, I was going to get a vasectomy. I agreed to this before we were married. I had to cancel my first surgery because my wife wanted her tubes tied. She wanted to continue her cheating ways but make sure now she couldn't get pregnant again. I just thought she wanted to be extra sure that she couldn't get pregnant after my vasectomy.
For over seven years now I've been thinking it was ME and only me that "changed" and was the reason she wanted to divorce. But now I know that even if it was me, it was her infidelity that truly lead to this point.
And now when I want to spend time with my son that lives with her, she feels like we have to "negotiate". I want to tell her that she is no longer in ANY position to negotiate anything regarding our sons.
The biological father is going to file for legitimization. Since I've really only had a relationship with my daughter in spurts over the past four years, I won't fight it. My lawyer told me that it means when my wife screws up this relationship, I won't be on the hook for child support.
The biological father has been known as "Uncle" since the time my old son could say it. This week I'll be telling them what their mother did, and they are to never call him Uncle X again, because he has lost the respect and honor that name has. He's not even deserving of Mr. 
I want to ask her so bad WHY WHY WHY!?!? Why have you lead me on for 7+ years? Why have you made me think we could make our marriage work? What did I do that made you commit the ultimate sin regarding our marriage? And how could you keep doing it in front of my face?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No, there is no right way to ask. Just ask. She'll give you some bs.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Cheaters lie. Period.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Oh sir, You have my deepest sympathies regarding this matter and I admire your stoic nature in the hopes of rekindling your love and marriage for your wife. But you need not stare into this with eyes of misconception. She left you a long time before you both separated and you haven't begun the first and primary necessary step to recovery; acceptance. 

The why's you so very much seek will provide no comfort, the answers you wish to attain will provide no closure. You gave years to this woman before your separation, and during, and you have what exactly she felt for you, nothing. 

Although you are not the biological Father of your Daughter, you are the one known as dad, and regardless of the future she has with her biological Father, if any, you will always have the privilege of being seen as "Dad" first to her, all efforts to uninstall her feelings and bond with you will be near impossible and what better way than to rub it in their face that you took the lead to be a better and more caring Parent then they, regardless of the amount of time you and her spent together for the past four years. Unless you know you can detach from her as a Father figure emotionally? Can you?

Men and women do not necessarily change during infidelity. They merely take off the mask of who they really are or who they are capable of becoming. Think about it, nobody on the titanic cared about the design oversight that allowed the ship to sink, they just made sure to do what could be done to get off safely.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know is a handy back-up option.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You won't ever get the true answer from her, unfortunately. She did it because she could. She felt she could get away with it. 

I'm very sorry.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Uhhh...

DNA your sons as well.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Howdy Some Guy,

I think the better question you need to contemplate is “Does it matter.”

The best you can do is serve as a loving father, father figure and role model to the children and 



SomeGuyWhoNeedsHelp said:


> . . . .And now when I want to spend time with my son that lives with her, she feels like we have to "negotiate". I want to tell her that she is no longer in ANY position to negotiate anything regarding our sons. . . .


No. Negotiation with a woman of this character is akin to “solicitation” IMHO. I’d, working with my legal counsel, remain firm and keep the best interest of the children in mind always.

Look, I don’t want to raise the ire of other readers but in many cultures this woman would be stoned to death as a matter of law. As a society we are perhaps more civilized but that doesn’t render the on-going behavior any less reprehensible.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Man, your wife is a b!tch. 

Best of luck to you and your future. Start dating.


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## Mr Right (Oct 5, 2013)

G'Day SGWNH
While I can only imagine the pain that finding out something like that must feel like, plus the 7 years she has wasted of your life, you will probably look back at this in the near future when your happy (with someone better) and say "thank you God".

This now allows you to remove this toxic skank from your life (as much as possible) and get someone deserving of your love and care. I know this is painful but you will get through it, you sound like a pretty good guy so I'm sure you will find someone alot better and I wish you luck for the future.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I'll tell you from experience that I went through something similar. My fiance got pregnant when I was in the army, and I married her and two weeks after we married I found out the kid wasn't mine. He father didn't have a pot to piss in and no way to pay for the doctors or the hospital so she married me so she would become a dependent and married to a service man and get the same benefits that I got and the father got off without paying a dime.

That was in 1968 and the kid was born in 69. I waited 40 years before I ever spoke to her and guess what the first thing I asked? Why? I waited 40 years for a explanation and nothing she said was valid and I was given every excuse in the book and she blamed everyone.

Don't bother asking because you'll never get the answer you want. No answer is valid to the one who got hurt. That question was on my mind for 4 decades and it did no good. I know you want to here something but I can tell you that one question like "why" will lead to another and another and you'll spend the rest of your life searching for something that will never be in reach. I'm sorry your hurting and I know that what I told you wont help much but it's a cold hard fact and your best bet is to just leave it alone and let the both of them live in their own filth and be there for your kids.

By the way, someone else posted this too. Get a DNA on all your kids for your own peace of mind.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

6301... How sad . Did you ever have biological children of your own?

(Sorry for the slight thread jack .)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Even if she told you the truth, my guess is, because you don't think the way she does, or have her boundaries and beliefs, you would be more confused. It just wouldn't make sense, at all. Most times, infidelity doesn't make sense to the betrayed. 

6301, I'm sorry that happened to you.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Don't bother asking. even if there was a "right way to ask", you'd never get "the" answer anyway.

I came to this conclusion with my own WW: "Because you didn't love me enough not to".

She continued to disagree and even hated when I'd say it as we argued over it, but to me there it all is, in a nutshell.

And that is why I ultimately stopped asking, and left.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

and such is the reason why I oppose separation. Also, another reason not to trust guys or women as 'friends' when dealing with a spouse and an opposite sex friendship. I feel badly that your wife turned out to be a deceiving cheat. You trusted her, though probably naive, and it stung you.

You are correct, her cheating caused this problem and was totally unacceptable. Good call on avoiding child support with the daughter. That part could have ended up ugly and it may have worked out easier that you didn't know your daughter as well as you could have , only to find this. 

I applaud you for staying loyal even during separation as many would not. I am sorry you got screwed after being the good guy. 

6301's story is a good one. You can demand to know why but you will probably get lied to. But, hey, it's worth a try.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Don't bother asking. even if there was a "right way to ask", you'd never get "the" answer anyway.
> 
> I came to this conclusion with my own WW: "Because you didn't love me enough not to".
> 
> ...


:iagree:

There is no reason to ask why. You already know why. She moved in with the OM! Come on now, please don't tell me that you're that naive. She moves in with another man and you actually believed that she wasn't banging him? Seriously?

*You've been separated FOUR years!* Stop pining away for her and thinking its gonna work. Move on with your life already, you've already wasted at least 3 years of your life. 

Finish off the divorce already. Let her go.










My spidey senses are going off big time.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So how much a month have you been shelling out these past four years that she's been living with OM while you've been celibate and faithful to her? 

That's a very long time to live in limbo if this story is true.


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## SomeGuyWhoNeedsHelp (Nov 21, 2014)

Thank you all for the kind words. I will be getting DNA testing for my sons, even if that leads to more heartache for me. But at least I'll know. I'm pretty sure the oldest son is mine. Even more reason that I believe that is she is actually afraid of him because he is now bigger than she is. She is 5'4", he is 14 and now 5'9". I'm 6'2", and he's going to be bigger than me. If she could somehow find a way to prove he wasn't hers, she'd do it.

My lawyer is scheduling mediation which she says could be wrapped up by the end of the year. She actually WANTS to go to trial, because she knows my wife will be buried. I've been volunatarily providing her regular "income" since she moved away, so I'll also be using the threat of a civil lawsuit to recover the money paid to support my daughter these past four years. I don't know if I have a chance with the biological father, but perhaps I do since he is going to fight for legitimation. 
I have considered fighting legitimation, but mainly it would be done out of spite of my wife and the OM, and even if I did win custody of my daughter, I'd have the feelings that she's not my biological daughter, and she is with me because I was more angry at my wife. It's only three days since I've know, and my thoughts are about how quickly I can have my daughter out of my life and move on with my sons and only my sons.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> 6301... How sad . Did you ever have biological children of your own?
> 
> (Sorry for the slight thread jack .)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Later. I have two daughters and no doubt their mine


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Not sure what your lawyer told you but child support cannot be recovered, it goes to the child- not her. When you are married they look at any children as yours. 

Not sure why mediation and leading to a trial? That's a good 30-60k proposition to recover (if you can) child support in the amount of x % (per your state).

I also doubt they will drag her through the mud as much as you think they will. Unfortunately judges are jaded and there are so many procedures in getting subpoena's when they involve children and sensitive information that ANY lawyer will have them quashed by the court. 

This is of course not legal advice. You have to understand that lawyers are super expensive and love amping you up. I paid for a non contested divorce... almost $12000!

Make sure you read everything you can, get educated on the basics so you are not asking your lawyer simple law questions but focusing the money and energy on the important things.
ALWAYS be civil and stick to the issues at hang- make sure the judge knows you are not just ranting but concerned about your children.

Most judges will NOT award you sole custody or even legal and physical joint. Your priority should be getting visitation sorted out ASAP. That is separate from child support in most states- she usually can't deny you visitation.

Look at your state and laws on maintenance and her living with someone else, it will save you a lot of trouble. 

I know a lot of people who had these issues and am now looking at what to do myself (custody/support wise), what he can and cannot do etc. I also have a criminal justice degree but don't work in family/divorce law. I am just starting my Bachelors focusing on some of those issues.

Just make sure you really know what you want/realistic and be very careful about what attorneys tell you unless you can verify it. You have to realize this is super psychological/calculated on their part because most people don't read the law (it's freaking boring!) never-mind actual rules of procedure based on your county.


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

SomeGuyWhoNeedsHelp said:


> My lawyer is scheduling mediation which she says could be wrapped up by the end of the year. She actually WANTS to go to trial, because she knows my wife will be buried. I've been volunatarily providing her regular "income" since she moved away, so I'll also be using the threat of a civil lawsuit to recover the money paid to support my daughter these past four years. I don't know if I have a chance with the biological father, but perhaps I do since he is going to fight for legitimation.
> I have considered fighting legitimation, but mainly it would be done out of spite of my wife and the OM, and even if I did win custody of my daughter, I'd have the feelings that she's not my biological daughter, and she is with me because I was more angry at my wife. It's only three days since I've know, and my thoughts are about how quickly I can have my daughter out of my life and move on with my sons and only my sons.


Not sure where you live but the fact that you are giving her income "voluntarily" doesn't matter. Because you have children ANY judge would issue an emergency order of support- possibly even higher than what you are giving her voluntarily. 

This would've happened at anytime had she wanted to do it.
Also sorry to say but why are you angry at the children? How are they supposed to eat if you don't see them, are separated and are not giving her "voluntary" support.

You need a second opinion from another lawyer. There is NO mediation usually when you are going for a trial. The mediation takes place if both parties are close to a resolution, in PLACE of a trial or pre-trial conference (most cases NEVER make it to trial).
Mediation in my area costs $300 an hour, and everything is approved by an attorney that you are paying. Again, if you are not close it's a waste of money. You would theoretically need to contest the divorce, put in an order for visitation, motions for discovery, motions for determining paternity (idk formal name).. then subpeona documents from discovery... then have a pretrial conference where the judge decides if this should go to trial. This is YEARS of work. Most are settled before all of this because of the cost (30-60 k especially if you are asking for certain custody rights). 

Also, evidence is usually not admissible unless you have a subpoena. The DNA tests, if you choose to do them, IMO should be done formally through a court. You can ask the judge to seal these confidential records due to the children/sensitive nature.

Sorry if this is a bit harsh. I just think you are setting yourself up for huge debt and the judge not thinking that high of you if you go guns blazing that you want child support back! Prepare to look like a jerk and have motions DENIED (which you will have to appeal... but that's another time/expense/judge hates appeals)

Fun fact- you can usually only appeal a judges decision if there was an error in civil procedure- this is RARE. It gets denied 98% of the time and if you want to undo a judgment and decision you will end up in your super fun Supreme Court of appeals.

THINK long and hard as to what you want, money you are willing to spend, how far you are willing to go if a judge rules against you etc. Get a consult from the most experienced, reputable attorney you can find. 

You have admitted that you have not been seeing the children. I think you may have an over romanticized idea of what a trial is. There will be witnesses at pre-trial, the fact that you didn't see the kids, didn't move for formal visitation or paid formal child support etc looks BAD. They are living with a random "uncle" and that will be a huge concern for the court. As much as assets play a role in a divorce the court always looks at the best outcome for the children. As much as your lawyer will drag her through the mud HER lawyer will paint you to be an unfit father.

You don't say if the DNA results were obtained through a court or not for your daughter. She is considered your child based on your marriage. You saying that visitation with her is not a priority will eclipse ANY and all credibility you have with a judge. I am sure you are aware that judges cannot be changed in the middle of a case unless there is evidence of gross misconduct/procedural errors. This is not what you deem as "unfair" but what exists in law. There is no fair, ever. 

In all cases ignorance of the law is not an excuse. I have never even heard of a civil suit to recover child support to be effective or termination of parenting rights (voluntarily even) to exclude a fathers financial obligation. This is especially true in your case because you did not formally pay child support or your children received ANY help from the state or federal government. 

You stated "end of the year"... what you want to do in court (trial, paternity etc etc) can be a 3-5 year long battle. I had a doctor friend of mine (female) have her parenting rights challenged and I swear I saw the legal bill $350k!!!

I'm off my soap box now.. good luck! I really hope you get past the anger, that you legitimately have.. remember that lawyers are VERY skilled at getting their fees and making heightened situations worse.
If you are about to make any important decisions think about any and all affidavits you have submitted and what they can look like to a judge. I hope you were less candid in those.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Does her family know ?

I've heard Dad's divorce is a pretty good resource. Take a look at it.

This OM wants legitimization, now ? Shows how much of a man he is.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I want to ask her so bad WHY WHY WHY!?!? Why have you lead me on for 7+ years? Why have you made me think we could make our marriage work? What did I do that made you commit the ultimate sin regarding our marriage? And how could you keep doing it in front of my face?


Imagine doing the same thing to your wife. Say you had a second family while leading her on about a possible R. What kind of person would be be ? Nothing she will tell you will justify what she did because she is not a person with integrity.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who is her OM ? Is he married ? Is he a family friend ?


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> Does her family know ?
> 
> I've heard Dad's divorce is a pretty good resource. Take a look at it.
> 
> This OM wants legitimization, now ? Shows how much of a man he is.


A lot of the "dad's divorce" stuff is going back after a judgement to document certain behaviors. IMO the OP has a lawyer that is feeding into his clients angry intentions. They are usually NEVER supported in a court case.

The OP doesn't say if this man supports his 3 children, his wife etc. But I have a feeling that the court and her attorneys will use this. 

What is child support for 3 kids? 35% or so? That's 5% for the 3rd child. Unless he was paying health insurance, 1/2 medical bills, school costs etc then he is getting a bargain and is more concerned about making sure all 3 kids are not his.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

SimplyCrushed said:


> A lot of the "dad's divorce" stuff is going back after a judgement to document certain behaviors. IMO the OP has a lawyer that is feeding into his clients angry intentions. They are usually NEVER supported in a court case.
> 
> The OP doesn't say if this man supports his 3 children, his wife etc. But I have a feeling that the court and her attorneys will use this.
> 
> What is child support for 3 kids? 35% or so? That's 5% for the 3rd child. *Unless he was paying health insurance, 1/2 medical bills*, school costs etc then he is getting a bargain and is more concerned about making sure all 3 kids are not his.


Why wouldn't he be paying this? I paid the health insurance premiums and 60% of out of pocket costs. Also, 35% seems high for some reason. I could be wrong. Do you have a link to a state or county site with tables or something?


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Why wouldn't he be paying this? I paid the health insurance premiums and 60% of out of pocket costs. Also, 35% seems high for some reason. I could be wrong. Do you have a link to a state or county site with tables or something?


You are right I was off.. it's 29% for 3 kids in New York. 

HRA/DSS - Our Services - Child Support Calculator

That does not include insurance etc.. Oh and if you are below the federal poverty guidelines it's $25 a month. Just disgraceful!

I just think that the attitude is off here regarding realistic responsibilities that the OP and his wife have. He can blame her all he wants but the court is not going to take his side just because he is peed off.


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## SomeGuyWhoNeedsHelp (Nov 21, 2014)

Georgia has court ordered mediation before a trial. So that's what the mediation is. I know I'm not likely to see any of the money I've been paying, and my lawyer is going to talk to a civil law attorney to see if there's any chance. I doubt I'll get it back, but maybe the threat of a civil suit will be enough to get her to cave on other marital property. If mediation doesn't work in my favor, I can elect to go to trial.
I have been paying for medical/dental insurance, among other costs. It wasn't until this year that she finally got a job. Yes, I know that makes me look like even more of a fool. But it's too late for that.
I had a talk with my sons for the first time regarding the current situation. They told me some things that make me feel really good for my case. My oldest son told me that he doesn't even want to call his mother Mom anymore, since she hasn't really been a good one to him. But he said, "You'll always be Dad."


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

SomeGuyWhoNeedsHelp
As bad as it's going for you, it could be worse. My **** squirted out a boy and a girl by two different guys and had me convinced I was the father. The system found a way to evict me and she ended up with the home that I had paid for.
In any event, you'll find that you're far better off once it's done because you won't be saddle with her.


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

SomeGuyWhoNeedsHelp said:


> Georgia has court ordered mediation before a trial. So that's what the mediation is. I know I'm not likely to see any of the money I've been paying, and my lawyer is going to talk to a civil law attorney to see if there's any chance. I doubt I'll get it back, but maybe the threat of a civil suit will be enough to get her to cave on other marital property. If mediation doesn't work in my favor, I can elect to go to trial.
> I have been paying for medical/dental insurance, among other costs. It wasn't until this year that she finally got a job. Yes, I know that makes me look like even more of a fool. But it's too late for that.
> I had a talk with my sons for the first time regarding the current situation. They told me some things that make me feel really good for my case. My oldest son told me that he doesn't even want to call his mother Mom anymore, since she hasn't really been a good one to him. But he said, "You'll always be Dad."


Okay now I feel bad!!! Again sorry if I sound harsh. It's just that there are things you want and things you will get. Your vibe/words seem a lot more positive in this last post.

As for mediation, I just looked at the law in Georgia and mediation is encouraged if you are not challenging custody BUT not required.

For other marital issues you can just do a regular agreement (have your attorney give her attorney your list of no-no's). This stuff is super easy as long as you don't have a ton of debt/assets together. The judge will also tell you if it all looks fair 

I'm including the link... not sure if you got your attorney bill yet but it adds up!
Did she file for sole legal custody as of right now? Do you see her being okay with legal joint custody? If you can work the custody stuff out without court intervention it will really work in your favor.


Georgia Child Custody Law


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SomeGuyWhoNeedsHelp said:


> Thank you all for the kind words. I will be getting DNA testing for my sons, even if that leads to more heartache for me. But at least I'll know. I'm pretty sure the oldest son is mine. Even more reason that I believe that is she is actually afraid of him because he is now bigger than she is. She is 5'4", he is 14 and now 5'9". I'm 6'2", and he's going to be bigger than me. If she could somehow find a way to prove he wasn't hers, she'd do it.
> 
> My lawyer is scheduling mediation which she says could be wrapped up by the end of the year. She actually WANTS to go to trial, because she knows my wife will be buried. I've been volunatarily providing her regular "income" since she moved away, so I'll also be using the threat of a civil lawsuit to recover the money paid to support my daughter these past four years. I don't know if I have a chance with the biological father, but perhaps I do since he is going to fight for legitimation.
> I have considered fighting legitimation, but mainly it would be done out of spite of my wife and the OM, and even if I did win custody of my daughter, I'd have the feelings that she's not my biological daughter, and she is with me because I was more angry at my wife. *It's only three days since I've know, and my thoughts are about how quickly I can have my daughter out of my life and move on with my sons and only my sons.*


Man... I can't imagine what you're going through. Honestly, though... ^this would probably be my plan as well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SomeGuyWhoNeedsHelp said:


> Georgia has court ordered mediation before a trial. So that's what the mediation is. I know I'm not likely to see any of the money I've been paying, and my lawyer is going to talk to a civil law attorney to see if there's any chance. I doubt I'll get it back, but maybe the threat of a civil suit will be enough to get her to cave on other marital property. If mediation doesn't work in my favor, I can elect to go to trial.
> I have been paying for medical/dental insurance, among other costs. It wasn't until this year that she finally got a job. Yes, I know that makes me look like even more of a fool. But it's too late for that.
> I had a talk with my sons for the first time regarding the current situation. They told me some things that make me feel really good for my case. My oldest son told me that he doesn't even want to call his mother Mom anymore, since she hasn't really been a good one to him. But he said, "You'll always be Dad."


Man, that's gotta be rough. My heart breaks for you and your sons.

Chin up!


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

You know there is another way to do all of this, again NOT legal advice but you should speak with your attorney.

Instead of filing a civil suit, that will most likely fail, and even if it passes you are looking at costs vs $ recovered AND making her comply.
Since you are doing marital property anyway, look at the % of money you spent on your daughter in terms of what the court would see as mandatory. It may just be a 2-3% increase from your 2 boys that you will continue to support.

See if you can live with that for now. Then see what the medical premium is and how significant your difference is (some family plans include unlimited children).

Approach it from a "good" angle. She is not your biological child so if your medical premiums are the same leave that alone, focus on getting her biological father to pay all other out of pocket costs. That should make it easier financially for now without you looking like a jerk for terminating a little girls health insurance. 
I don't think this is even a possibility right away because he has not been deemed the legal father... that can drag on. The judge may not rule on that until you petition the court for a DNA test etc.

Now when you start discussing marital property, 401K etc. Because you have paid for her health insurance costs etc see if you can keep a bigger piece of the 401k OR take tax deductions on the children for the next 5 years, then alternate with her or whatever.

She will look unreasonable to a judge if she has crazy demands should this get to a trial.

You can also speak to an accountant and your attorney regarding "unallocated support" meaning instead of you paying child support through the state, an order is put in for x amount a month. The order is for unallocated support, not spousal support as per state law or a child support order. It's a general I pay x amount and it satisfies my obligation to the children. 
This is GREAT for you- you will have more money and it makes her pay taxes on the support (as income) but she will actually have MORE a month.

Obviously you want to clear this with an accountant depending on how much money you make. You also have to consider her ability to co-parent when you make these decisions.

BTW avoid the trail if you can. There is a pre-trial and prove-up system in my state, a trial is a good thing if there is significant assets, endangerment to the children etc. Otherwise it's so expensive that depending on your discovery statements to the court the judge might make you just do "case management" for 2 years until they even allow a trial. Based on your new post I think that is why your lawyer is telling you to do mediation. If you agree on the HUGE issue, which is custody the trial is useless. If you agree on custody right now then have your attorneys draft and submit for court.

Focus on things for your children too, including your daughter (until he is deemed legal) things like counselling, clauses that she has to give you children's schedules and work with you on solutions.
It will be easier if you have them and need to enforce things in the future. 

I wish you and your family the best. This stuff is so hard to deal with, especially when you have a spouse that is not cooperative and growing children.

I don't think you are a fool for paying their insurance/dental etc. You did the right thing! The only issue is getting out of this and rebuilding your life. Yes you should have filed and suspected more- but you need to stop beating yourself up.


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