# Preparing for counseling



## scout (Jan 30, 2013)

I have been married for 6 years and together for 9 or so. We have a 4 year old daughter. Over the past few years we have had our share of issues. Nothing serious no cheating, drinking, drugs etc. Our arguments have been over things like house cleaning, shopping, being late for things, and about how we talk with one another.

I am resentful because I feel that I do 80-90% of the housework and work full time. My wife is a stay at home mother. I have discussed putting together a chore/task list of things that need to get done and then work on how to get them done. She immediately takes this as a chore list for her when I think I am being clear that it is for us so that we get things done around the house so we (really I) don’t have to spend the weekend getting them done. If I ask what she did today when I get home she immediately gets defensive about it. I don’t think I am being unreasonable.

I literally work 50-60 hours weeks and typically do almost all the house chores except the laundry (I do it 10-20% of the time) and the dishes (I empty or fill the dishwasher 25% of the time). I typically come home and am asked to watch my daughter; typically I fix dinner for the family, then take my daughter up for bed. I then typically either do some house work such as cleaning the kitchen, taking trash out, hanging clean clothes, vacuuming, etc. My wife has vacuumed less than a half dozen times, never mopped the floors, maybe cleaned the bathrooms 2-3 times, never cleans her car, rarely picks up dog poop 10-15 times in the last 5 years. I then take care of my daughter about 75% of the time on the weekends. IE wake her up, dress her, make breakfast, lunch, and dinner and put her to bed for the night.

My wife does not work. Her typical days consist of the following
Wake at 8am with daughter
Literally 2-3 hours to get her and my daughter dressed and fed
Daughter takes a 2-3 hour nap (or they go shopping). Clean up toys daughter got out during the day.

I get home and take over child care (which I enjoy but seems like my wife had such a long day she needs time off)
My daughter is not perfect but is very very well behaved. She rarely gets in trouble and listens very well. I do not understand the “I had enough take over for me” attitude.
Well this is where my resentment is. I have tried to discuss with her in a calm manner but she gets upset and defensive. I have written long notes with suggestions and tried to implement plans to help get household chores done and better manage her time. Every effort I have taken has been ultimately ignored or she gets defensive about how difficult it is being a full time mom. Her family even understands the issues with time management and how long it takes to get ready. She gets ready at her own pace nothing I say or do will change that and she has been that way since high school according to her family. We wanted another kid and I have put that on hold and that leads to fights as will. If a single child is so difficult how is the extra time another child going to need going affect our relationship. 

An example of my frustration and current apathy is I recently was out of town on business for 2 weeks. When I returned the dog poop had not been picked up in the backyard, recycling not taken out, house not vacuumed since I left, my laundry not washed that was in the hamper, dog throw up on carpet wiped but not cleaned (bought a spotbot to make this easy for her), and some tasks to organize some legal documents not done, and misc paperwork all over the table. I had also asked that she return about 200.00 of misc items that we did not need that had been around the house for the last 6 months which had not been done. I did not get upset with her and did many of these items over the next two days while watching my daughter and my wife decompressed from being a single parent the two weeks while I was gone. I did not clean the throw up as she said she would take care of it. 4 days later I cleaned it myself as I could not stand walking by the stain on the rug each day. 

I am just over this. I do not keep notes of all the things that drive me nuts and don’t want too since I am sure after doing so I will be done with the marriage. I want to see a counselor. Do I need to or should I keep a dairy of these over a bit of time before setting up the appointment? Does a marriage counselor typically meet the first time one on one or with both of us? I feel hopeless. If it was just the two of us I would have asked for a divorce. This has been going on for 4 years now and I can’t handle it anymore.

Any tips on how to try to get help around the house to more equally divid ethe household work? I need help.


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