# Wife separated, confused and wants space!



## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

My wife and I (being together for 8 years and married for 5 years) had some issues in the past and I never thought that they are serious and major. Nonetheless, on 1st of December 2017, when I came home after work, I noticed that she took all her belongings with herself without any notice and left me a letter stating that she could not continue anymore and thus she chose to be separated. Having said that, we were very close and friendly with each other during the last 2 weeks before her separation and as a result, I did not expect this coming, which had a huge impact on me. I really love her and cannot cope living without her, especially in a place that we used to live together for almost 3 years. She does not tell me where she lives and stopped contacting me. She says that she is doing this according to what her counsellor/doctor told her. She does not say whether she wants a divorce or not.

Currently I am working on myself to do my best to address all the issues she mentioned and hope for the best. I have bought many relationship guidance books and read them all. I watch YouTube videos regarding this topic every day. I cannot do any other activities and I severely suffer from guilt. Thinking about a life without her will make me anxious and irritated.

If I can talk to my wife or see her that would be great. She does not want to discuss anything at this point and refuses marriage/couple counselling saying that “you should have done this before”, “it’s too late”, “the damage is done already” or “you have used up all your chances and opportunities”. I believe not talking does not help anything, but she is not interested in seeing me or talking to me. I wish I could see her to show her that I have changed as I was working on myself that thinking about my issues and how I could have behaved differently. Initially, I used to call her begging/crying/pleading with no success. Then I decided to give her time and space while working on myself by implementing no contact rule. 

She met me twice after the separation. The first time, I bought her flowers and a quite expensive necklace. She accepted the flowers, but returned the necklace saying that you should have done this before... (it was quite a while I hadn't got anything as a gift for her). After 2 days I sent her a basket of flowers to her workplace and she later on said that my female colleagues got so jealous for that! Next meetup was our anniversary where surprisingly enough, went very well. She held my hand, cried for a little bit, we had beers, laughed, she even put food in my mouth like a mom lol. I thought that the misery is gone for good and asked her to come back for Christmas day and I will try to leave and sleep at my friend's. I said why should you leave, come back and I will leave until you recover. I even said come back once a week then we change it to twice a week and so on if she wants. She said okay. I was so happy beyond belief. Before leaving she joked around and I went home. She texted me after that asking "why did this happen?" "why are we separated?!" "we loved each other, what happened to that love?". She then said to me to go and watch a new episode of a TV series we used to watch together so it will change our mood. I thought to myself that's it. She is regretting it and will defiantly come back. You do not believe it. Next day I texted her asking how she is. She ignored me and said don't call me or text me, I will divorce you and basically piss off!!! Needless to say that she never came back for Christmas day or anything for that matter!

As she is my dependant (visa) and due to the limitations of the law and based on the fact that I have renew my visa and if I do it without her, she has to leave the country, I broke the NC period prematurely. After 2 weeks of NC, I texted her using a text formula I read on a book, reminding her of a past pleasant event we had etc and I ended the text with "Are you better?". After 2 days she replied "Thanks." that's it! later that night she changed her FB profile picture from us to herself and started putting flower pictures on her Instagram ( she hadn't done anything on social media since her separation). Although no one can be 100 % sure about cheating or someone else being in the equation, but I am quite confident that is not the case. Before I started NC, I asked her whether she is still having her ring on, and she started swearing at me of asking this as if it is obvious that she keeps wearing it. When I mentioned the visa issue, she said "I don't give a damn". I do not care what happens to me etc.

Then she started replying to my dad's text from 8 days ago the same night asking her to call him to discuss the matter as my dad is very close to her and we are Mideastern (different culture). She replied in a very short text to my dad saying "I will call you as soon as I get better, but I do not know when I will be better". 

My sister called her and talked about 2 hours and basically to test the water. She never said that she wants a divorce or anything. She keeps saying that "I will think about it". I do not know what to do now. I text her another message using the textbook formula asking her for a meetup yesterday, which she hasn't reply yet. 

P.S. I have talked to her mom and brother and they both say, give her time. She did not tell us anything more than she told you.

Sorry for the long story.

Can someone please help me what should I do if she said no. What does that mean?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She is stringing you along for her visa/greencard. She is probably seeing someone else in secret. Just file for divorce. If that does not wake her up nothing will.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On thinking.

Her thinking.
Her thinking 'about' it.

Her thinking is powerful.
Her thinking has legs.

She used her legs, blamed it on her thinking.

She is scrambling. She is trying a work-around. To work around you. To get away from you.
She may pacify you to get you to go away.

Look, the way she is treating you, HER HUSBAND is disrespectful.
Then she did tell you she wants to separate. She did this BY a LETTER.

She knew you would try to talk her out of her decision. She is done with you, believe me.
While there is no proof or any indication, she may have found another man. Or NOT.

Right now she is a walk away wife, WAW.
She is talking only separation, not divorce?

Reasons:

She is making plans to 'eventually' divorce you.
She is stringing you along for 'her' convenience.

The divorce papers may yet arrive.

She is up to something, working some plan.

Options:

Find out what it is.
Accept that your marriage is over. File for divorce.
Let her visa expire.....her problem, not yours. She abandoned you without so much as a explanation.

Now, do you know the likely reason? Did you break her heart or her trust?

I think you know the reason.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

There's another dude but she needs you for the visa. Sorry.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What Middle Eastern countries do the two of you come from ?


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

If it is for the visa, why doesn't she come back? If she is seeing someone, she could have deleted our pictures on FB or Instagram. Wouldn't the guy say how come I cannot add you on anything? The FB status is still "Married". When I went to see her, I was waiting for her outside to finish her work, when she came out, I was on the other side and it was pretty dark so no one noticed me, yet she told her colleagues that this is my husband and she introduced me to them!


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> On thinking.
> 
> Her thinking.
> Her thinking 'about' it.
> ...


About she being up to something I also agree. But based on her situation, I know that it is almost zero chance she can stay here (UK). FYI, she loves being here and hate going back to.

About the reason, we had many fights. I was a little bit jealous to be frank and for no reason. I also have an OCD that if my routine changes, I will get anxious. For example, once a week on a certain day and time I had to call my parents, which we normally do. But because of my OCD, she used to thing that I love my family more and that is why I insist to do so even if we couldn't call at that moment. Moreover, her mom does not like me and they talk to each other almost every day. I think the mom is making her assured that she made the right decision.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Should I go without telling her to her workplace and see if she is still wearing the ring? If not, then she lied to me and she is moving on. Also, the possibility of an affair would be higher or close to confirmed.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

questionguy said:


> Should I go without telling her to her workplace and see if she is still wearing the ring? If not, then she lied to me and she is moving on. Also, the possibility of an affair would be higher or close to confirmed.


Watching her every twitch will drive you absolutely insane.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Hire a PI....but in the mean time i would to a legal representative...ASAP.

also i would make it clear to her that you have tried to give her space but at this time you do not see her working on togetherness so you will be filing. 

Dude i'm sorry but i smell a rat.

even money says she is looking to attach herself to someone else so she can stay...she si string you along until she finds that person...cut her off at the knees.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Hire a PI....but in the mean time i would to a legal representative...ASAP.
> 
> also i would make it clear to her that you have tried to give her space but at this time you do not see her working on togetherness so you will be filing.
> 
> ...


I am not trying to fool myself, but the divorce process takes time and her visa expires in a month or so. Even if she finds someone, she cannot do anything through that guy. She told my sister that she hasn't done anything towards divorce yet (I know she could be lying). I event told her don't give me false hope. If you don't want this marriage, at least have a courtesy to say it. We had fights and issues but you know I love you so this is the least you can do. And she said give me time you go and work on yourself, see a counselor. If I didn't do this, you would have never done anything to fix your issues.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

questionguy said:


> About she being up to something I also agree. But based on her situation, I know that it is almost zero chance she can stay here (UK). FYI, she loves being here and hate going back to.
> 
> About the reason, we had many fights. I was a little bit jealous to be frank and for no reason. I also have an OCD that if my routine changes, I will get anxious. For example, once a week on a certain day and time I had to call my parents, which we normally do. But because of my OCD, she used to thing that I love my family more and that is why I insist to do so even if we couldn't call at that moment. Moreover, her mom does not like me and they talk to each other every day. SHe is also making her assured that she made the right decision.


Are you of a different religion? Or a tribe/faction that is in disfavor with her family. Do they have another man in the wings they want to replace you with?
You may be fighting the family and her.

A conspiracy.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Are you of a different religion? Or a tribe/faction that is in disfavor with her family. Do they have another man in the wings they want to replace you with?
> You may be fighting the family and her.
> 
> A conspiracy.


Neither of us are religious. both of our families are open minded. Maybe I should have clarified it on my post. Even though there is still the cultural thing going on, in terms of being religious, arranged marriage, hijab, Islamic rules etc, that is not the case. We have been living together before marriage as partners. So treat my case as other western cases with the exception of a mid-east family ties and culture. If the religious matter was the case, I would have rolled out the affair possibility.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

In my own personal opinion, your wife is an adult woman who is fully aware that her visa and ability to stay in the country (UK) are dependent on you. When comparing the pain of moving back to her country of origin to the pain of staying in the marriage, she chose to leave ... of her own free will. 

I personally recommend that you keep it very businesslike and send ONE text or email and one letter that says: "In February (or whatever month), your visa expires. Since your visa is dependent on being married to me, and you are thinking about whether or not to be married to me, I plan to do nothing to address your visa issue. While you are not married to me, that will be your issue to deal with."

Then leave her alone. 

If she avoids it and does nothing, she'll be sent back and SHE CHOSE IT. If she deals with it, it's her life and her choices. One way or another you are OUT of that visa picture and it's up to her to take care of her own visa. She's an adult--she can do it. 

The. End.

ETA (edited to add): in the UK there are some pretty strict harassment laws--to read more about it, look HERE. In summary: 

_"A person must not pursue a course of conduct

"(a) which amounts to harassment of another, and
"(b) which he knows or ought to know amounts to harassment of the other." 

Harassment also occurs when, on the grounds of race, disability, sex, sexual orientation, belief or religion, an employer - or their agent such as another employee or a manager - engages in *unwanted conduct *which has the purpose or effect of violating an individual's dignity or creating an interrogating, degrading, hostile offensive or humiliating environment for the employee in question. This is wide spectrum, and covers all types of harassment.

Such actions can be:

Physical conduct;
Verbal conduct; and
Non-verbal conduct.

In addition, while the conduct must be unwanted by the recipient, it does not necessarily have to be that the harasser has a motive or an intention to harass. So* it is still harassment even if the harasser does not know there is harm caused by their actions*_."

In human terms, if your wife wants you to leave her alone, and you keep texting, texting, texting...that is unwanted. And if you email her brother, her sister, and her parents about what she's doing or saying and telling them she's a bad wife for breaking up the marriage (for example)...that's unwanted behavior that counts as harassment because you distress your wife over finding out her whole family knows and you should be aware that emailing everyone humiliates her. That's how the courts will see it! So lighten up on texting her so often or texting others so often. Make sure you are not harassing or you could wind up in trouble.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Affaircare said:


> In my own personal opinion, your wife is an adult woman who is fully aware that her visa and ability to stay in the country (UK) are dependent on you. When comparing the pain of moving back to her country of origin to the pain of staying in the marriage, she chose to leave ... of her own free will.
> 
> I personally recommend that you keep it very businesslike and send ONE text or email and one letter that says: "In February (or whatever month), your visa expires. Since your visa is dependent on being married to me, and you are thinking about whether or not to be married to me, I plan to do nothing to address your visa issue. While you are not married to me, that will be your issue to deal with."
> 
> ...



Thank you so mush for your informative comments. Appreciate it.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

questionguy said:


> I am not trying to fool myself, but the divorce process takes time and *her visa expires in a month or so.* Even if she finds someone, she cannot do anything through that guy. She told my sister that she hasn't done anything towards divorce yet (I know she could be lying). I event told her don't give me false hope. *If you don't want this marriage, at least have a courtesy to say it. *We had fights and issues but you know I love you so this is the least you can do. And she said give me time you go and work on yourself, see a counselor. If I didn't do this, you would have never done anything to fix your issues.



So let it. 

She's made it clear she doesn't want the marriage, hasn't she?


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

A quick update:

Last night I texted (Whatsapp) her wondering how she is. She replied almost instantly even though her tone and message were neutral. I asked if I can call her to talk about myself and how I have been doing during the separation and I assured her that it would not be about reconciliation or coming back. (All I wanted was to update her about what I was working on in terms of improving myself and trying to be a better person) after all, how would she know about these positive changes if we do not have any contact at all?!

Anyway, she said text it here instead of calling. I said that it is quite long, so she replied to leave voice message. I left a message just to tell her it is rather awkward to talk about myself using voice message. I said if you do not want to talk, I can postpone it for another day. She texted back saying "OK another day then" and "Good night" I replied saying "Fine, Good night". That'st it.

Now what was the point? I my opinion, first if you read my original post, I said that I have OCD about time and dates and how uncertainty would drive me crazy. So this way, I showed her that I did not ask about the next time and date to call her, which to be honest it was the first time in my life I did that. I think I am changing as I did not get anxious about the uncertainty of the next call. Second, when I left my voice message, I tried to sound confident, mature and focused so at least the image she had before the NC of me begging, pleading, shaky voice, long pauses would hopefully fade away.

1. Did I do a right thing?
2. Is is improving as she replied fast and did not ignore me? Is there any change or I am naive?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

The more you chase the weaker you look.

If she wants the marriage she'll let you know. If she doesn't, there's not a whole lot you can do.


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## Convict (Feb 16, 2014)

I think I can totally understand what you are going through. And I know it’s difficult. But I think you are just looking for signs and signals that give you hope that she will come back. 

She went on this separation. She is the one treating you this coldly. You should not run after her anymore. Even if you think you are doing it lightly compared to before. 

She either wanted to remain as your wife or she doesn’t. She can’t keep you in this limbo forever. 

I would suggest the only contact you have with her is to lay it out clearly: she either comes back to you or it’s time for divorce. You have to be strong otherwise she will walk all over you. 

Many people here have very similar stories (myself included), and I can assure you that begging / crying / hoping will not work. 

Be strong and tough with her....and tell her you expect a firm and clear answer. And never feel that this is your fault. If she doesn’t straighten up and get her act together....then let her go my friend.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

questionguy said:


> A quick update:
> 
> Last night I texted (Whatsapp) her wondering how she is. She replied almost instantly even though her tone and message were neutral. I asked if I can call her to talk about myself and how I have been doing during the separation and I assured her that it would not be about reconciliation or coming back. (All I wanted was to update her about what I was working on in terms of improving myself and trying to be a better person) after all, how would she know about these positive changes if we do not have any contact at all?!
> 
> ...


1) No. Humiliating yourself is never the right thing. Do not contact her at all. 

2) You are being naive. her complaints about you are nonsense. That is why they came out of the blue. Stop being naive. Just file for divorce. See if she contacts you then.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Regardless of the result, I just wonder how on earth a gender (female) can switch off and forget about years of memories and events. Not trying to be sexist, but based on the posts in this forums, its like 90 % ish women and 10 % men who do this (separation, not giving the second chance, etc.). If you think about it as a business side of view, or even probability, why wouldn't you women give the second chance? If it works, you win and loose nothing. If it doesn't work, you still haven't lost anything. Yes, you have just wasted another 1 month or 2. This time frame is minuscule compared to the amount of time you spent in the relationship. If I was a woman, to me, it's a very good deal. Now look at the other possibility, if you don't give the second chance, and the guy turned out to be what you wanted, you loose! Regardless of the changes being real or not, if you don't give the chance you loose either way. This of course applies more to situations where there is no one else in the picture. I am a scientist and trust me, if you show this argument to anyone how has common scene, would tell you that it is the best wager.

F.A.O women who do the same thing: 

1. If you are religious, in any religion, God (Allah, Jesus, Jehovah, Zeus, Flying spaghetti monster) would say forgive and give another chance.

2. If you are an atheist/evolutionist, the best strategy is Tit for Tat. If someone is trying to do something towards your benefit (and yes, his as well) do the same thing. This is the best survival tactic amongst animal kingdom.

3. If you are materialistic, as I said before, this is the best wager you can get.

4. If you are spiritual, Gandhi, Osho, Buddha, Rumi, Indian gurus they all said forgive and give another chance!

5. If you believe in karma, then I don't need to explain what would happen to you!

Learn from Melania Trump, I am sure most of us are not as bad in terms of attitude as her husband if not better. She didn't leave!!! LoL

All of these are based on the fact if the guy has indeed changed. How come you go and buy lottery tickets that the chance of winning is less than 1 in a million? Yet you don't bet on a 50-50 deal?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Stop chasing her. 

The reason she is throwing all those years and memories away is because she has replaced you with another man. Once a woman detaches from you and attaches herself to another you are just yesterday's news. You are nothing to her. That is the way women operate. They don't carry torches for men the way we do for the women we love. 

She is cheating on you. All the signs are there. The veterans here at TAM have seen this same situation play out hundreds of times before. Nothing new here. 

Stop chasing her, stop talking to her, cut off all contact and move forwards with divorce. Reclaim your life and move on to a happier future.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

bandit.45 said:


> Stop chasing her.
> 
> The reason she is throwing all those years and memories away is because she has replaced you with another man. Once a woman detaches from you and attaches herself to another you are just yesterday's news. You are nothing to her. That is the way women operate. They don't carry torches for men the way we do for the women we love.
> 
> ...


Why the hell doesn't she say I don't what you anymore then? Why does she give hopes? If she is with someone else, OK. Tell me you don't want me so I don't harass you anymore and you can have fun with that idiot! 

There is only two possibilities: Either

1. You as a husband did nothing deal breaker and major and she saw a new guy. In that case, she must be so evil to harm you and give you false hopes. Just come and say it and I will leave you alone. We are not that desperate. At least this way you don't carry the guilt of cheating and lying.

2. You as a husband indeed were the cause of the problem and had major issues. In that case, again, if you give the false hope, you are exactly like the husband and don't have the high ground.

In either case, just say yes or no. Why the limbo???


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

questionguy said:


> Why the hell doesn't she say I don't what you anymore then? Why does she give hopes? If she is with someone else, OK. Tell me you don't want me so I don't harass you anymore and you can have fun with that idiot!
> 
> There is only two possibilities: Either
> 
> ...


Because , right now, she doesn't care. For whatever reason, she doesn't give a flying frak. 

Maybe she'll care if you file for divorce. Maybe not. If you don't make that move, you're keeping yourself in limbo.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Malaise said:


> Because , right now, she doesn't care. For whatever reason, she doesn't give a flying frak.
> 
> Maybe she'll care if you file for divorce. Maybe not. If you don't make that move, you're keeping yourself in limbo.


Why doesn't she file for divorce?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

It's easy for us who have already experienced this scenario firsthand to give out advice. It looks so simple to us... well... because it is.

You're doing absolutely everything wrong. Everything. 

Your wife is having an affair with another man. She has detached from you. Your reasoning and rational thinking (i.e. the obvious Visa situation) are no match for her current emotion-based line of thinking. Somebody pushed her buttons and her "must pair bond and procreate with this other male" programming has taken over. There is nothing you can do about it. Sorry... it's over.

Read this: *You can't beat emotion. Stop trying.*

_"In cases of infidelity and sex, you’re not dealing with somebody who took out a spreadsheet and listed all of the pros and cons in their decision making.

You’re dealing with emotion. FEELINGS. Human NATURE.

In the world of emotion, 2+2 can, in fact, equal 5… as long as it feels right."_

For your own sanity, you need to completely detach from her. Pretend she is dead. Keep yourself busy with other things.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She wants you to pay for it. Or she wants to keep you waiting around as plan B. Or she is lazy. Or she wants to claim you ended the marriage. Who knows? Who cares? No one in the universe is in your wife's head but her. 

Bottom line is she moved out with no warning and is feeding you dung. Treating you like something she stepped on and had to scrap off her shoe.

Since you have been told zero words that actually make sense to go by concerning her actions just trust her actions themselves. File for divorce. If she squawks tell her and everyone you both know her moving out with no warning threatening divorce are the actions of a coward and you have zero interest in dealing with a coward in your life.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

questionguy said:


> Why doesn't she file for divorce?


Because she likes that she has you as a Plan B. If things don't work out with the new guy, you will be there waiting.

The best way to get her back is to let her go. Make her realize you are better than a Plan B. Let her know that you won't put up with being treated this way. This is more attractive than trying to get her to see you have improved. Be tough and firm. "I love you, but I won't be treated this way. I am filing for divorce." Then no further contact.

She will either come to you, or leave you for good, but this is your only chance.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You are the back up plan in case her new man doesn't work out.

She can stay as long as you are not officially divorced?

Can you afford to hire a PI?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How was your sex life this year? Any changes? Better? Worse?

Have you checked her phone bill and text usage?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

questionguy said:


> Why doesn't she file for divorce?


if she files she gets possibly deported...its called self-preservation...by stringing you along she is buying time...you over thinking this.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You ask the wrong questions.

Ask why should she file for divorce.

What does she gain if she files for divorce that she does not presently have?

Freedom? She is already doing what she wants.

Money? It costs money to file. As long as she is married you are liable for her debts, too.

Security? As pointed out, if she files she is likely to be deported sooner.

The question is not why hasn't she filed for divorce. The question is why should she.

This is how you should approach any activity you wonder about. Why should someone do this thing. Not why don't they.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

The thing is by the end of next month, if she doesn't come back, she has to leave/get deported anyway as I have to renew my visa without her regardless of my martial status. If she is playing with me, isn't it better for me to not to file for the divorce as she get deported anyway by Feb. At least this way, I can put all the blames on her and play the good guy. This wouldn't change the outcome, which is her deportation. What do you think?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Stop worrying about her.

Just stop.

Here is a quote, if this will help you. Although what you need to do is just stop worrying at all



> The most recent number comes from 2005. That year, the Government assessed methods other countries used to estimate their level of illegal immigration, and applied those techniques to the UK. Creating an estimate for 2001, they predicted the number at 430,000. In 2007, the London School of Economics produced a report estimating the number of ‘irregular’ migrants at 533,000.
> 
> The government does, however, collect “Immigration Enforcement Data” including information such as number of visits based on tip-offs, number of people refused entry and number of offenders deported. For example, the number of enforcement visit arrests from information in Q2 of 2016 was 941. The The Migration Observatory at the University of Oxford put the number of deported immigrants at 40,896 in 2015, but it also does not make an estimation of number of ‘irregular’ immigrants. The Observatory states that "irregular migration is by definition not recorded and eludes statistical coverage" and told the New Statesman that its inability to produce more up-to-date reports is due to there being “no useful data at all about this subject.” The Observatory concluded, “working out who is breaking the rules and who isn’t involves knowing what all [people who enter the UK] are doing, which isn’t recorded in a systematic way.”


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

questionguy said:


> Why the hell doesn't she say I don't what you anymore then? Why does she give hopes? If she is with someone else, OK. Tell me you don't want me so I don't harass you anymore and you can have fun with that idiot!
> 
> There is only two possibilities: Either
> 
> ...


OP your " wife" is just doing a try out with your replacement.

She will let you know if that works out for her when she tells you good bye

Proceed with clear and present detachment

55


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

? guy

What makes you believe your as bad a husband as she says you are?

55


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

questionguy said:


> A quick update:
> 
> Last night I texted (Whatsapp) her wondering how she is. She replied almost instantly even though her tone and message were neutral. I asked if I can call her to talk about myself and how I have been doing during the separation and I assured her that it would not be about reconciliation or coming back. (All I wanted was to update her about what I was working on in terms of improving myself and trying to be a better person) after all, how would she know about these positive changes if we do not have any contact at all?!
> 
> ...


So, you didn't do as AffairCare recommended.

Why not?

Trust us when we tell you... trying to monitor her every twitch will not get the results you desire.

Just stop it.

Now.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

questionguy said:


> The thing is by the end of next month, if she doesn't come back, she has to leave/get deported anyway as I have to renew my visa without her regardless of my martial status. If she is playing with me, isn't it better for me to not to file for the divorce as she get deported anyway by Feb. At least this way, I can put all the blames on her and play the good guy. This wouldn't change the outcome, which is her deportation. What do you think?


You are not the 'good' guy by not filing. By not filing you are just a guy whose wife moves out with no warning and blames him for everything to everyone and threatens him with divorce while sitting on her hands treating him like dung doing nothing and he does nothing but wait for her to change her mind. Good luck with that. 

File. Don't renew her visa. Then see what she does. That is a guy who is neither good or bad. Just a human who strands up for themselves when someone treats him horribly and forces that horrible treatment to stop.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

How old are you guys?

She sounds reckless, dumb or either in a fog, which spells out affair as others have said. 
I really wish this wasn't the case, but she is willing to get deported play this geme of chicken.

Her staying in the country depends on you, she appears to have no EFFS to give, which again sounds super risky for her.
Is there more you're not telling us that went on in your marriage, violet temper, affair on you etc.

Is cheating on her part a deal breaker?

S1

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Suspicious1 said:


> How old are you guys?
> 
> She sounds reckless, dumb or either in a fog, which spells out affair as others have said.
> I really wish this wasn't the case, but she is willing to get deported play this geme of chicken.
> ...


We are both in early 30's. She is older tho.

I have never raised hand on her even though we had many harsh verbal arguments including insults. No cheating from my side, and as far as I knew, no cheating from her side either. She kept all pictures of us with lovely captions and comments on Instagram and FB. She has not changed her FB status from Married yet. She hasn't added a new friend on Instagram or FB either. Her pattern is still the same as I can check her online habit. Going to work, finishing at the expected time, going home, come online, talk to the mom as they both become online at the same time.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What Middle Eastern countries/cultures do you come from ?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why does it matter who files?
Why does it matter why she won't file?

The Whatsapp epic was a great demonstration of your persistent need for validation from her. Your deeds won't matter to someone who already gives zero F's.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

questionguy said:


> We are both in early 30's. She is older tho.
> 
> I have never raised hand on her even though we had many harsh verbal arguments including insults. No cheating from my side, and as far as I knew, no cheating from her side either. *She kept all pictures of us with lovely captions and comments on Instagram and FB. She has not changed her FB status from Married yet. She hasn't added a new friend on Instagram or FB either. Her pattern is still the same as I can check her online habit. Going to work, finishing at the expected time, going home, come online, talk to the mom as they both become online at the same time*.


This does not prove she is not cheating. She may or may not be. If she is, it could be with someone at work who knows she's married and they're keeping it under wraps for now.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

IMO you are being used. The more you chase her, the more she is going to play games with you. She may have have someone else on the side. If I were you, I would let her get deported, and don't let her come back last second and convince you to help her renew her visa. Almost for sure she will be gone right after that, and you will be even more of a sucker. Letting her get deported solves half your problem. Then you can work on the divorce later. There is probably some procedure for divorcing an absent spouse. Don't be a doormat. A good wife woudn't be ****ing with you like this. Even if you have had a few issues she is not dealing with you in an appropriate way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Here's the thing:
Let's pretend she came back like you wanted... but she's made it clear she is NOT.

You have shown her that she is in total control of the relationship. You have shown her that SHE is the one that has the most value. You have shown her she can treat you like poo and you'll take it.
How do you think your life would really be if she came back? I assure you, it would be a nightmare. Worse than it is now!

How do you get out of this? You file for divorce and hope she gets deported.
Filing for divorce, or whatever else will not deter a woman if they love you. She'll still come back. But, if she doesn't love you.....
You have only ensured you're free for another relationship and that she is, too.

When this happens, there's only one thing to do: Give them what they want.

You're just making yourself miserable, instead of moving forward with your life. Don't let this cold iceberg sink your Titanic life.

Let
Her
Go.

It's hard. It'll get easier.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Update:

Talk to her mom to give ultimatum about the deadline of my visa application, where her failure to come back would result in her deportation. The mom talked to her and said I asked her to arranged a meet up as this does not work this way. You need to talk etc. Wife hasn't contacted me yet. Wondering what should I discuss, where to take her, how to approach during the meet up?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

questionguy said:


> Update:
> 
> Talk to her mom to give ultimatum about the deadline of my visa application, where her failure to come back would result in her deportation. The mom talked to her and said I asked her to arranged a meet up as this does not work this way. You need to talk etc. Wife hasn't contacted me yet. Wondering what should I discuss, where to take her, how to approach during the meet up?


Look 

Your W knows about the visa, knows the consequences ( deportation ). If she misses the deadline , she misses the deadline.

Calling her mother? Dude!!

That's so high school. 

I'll say it again. If she wants the marriage she'll be back . If not...


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

questionguy said:


> Update:
> 
> Talk to her mom to give ultimatum about the deadline of my visa application, where her failure to come back would result in her deportation. The mom talked to her and said I asked her to arranged a meet up as this does not work this way. You need to talk etc. Wife hasn't contacted me yet. Wondering what should I discuss, where to take her, how to approach during the meet up?


So what happens if she plays ball until she gets her visa and then just takes off again? That seems like a likely scenario to me. IMO you are working against your best interests. Do you really want someone who is only with you for immigration purposes? Her visa expiring seems like an opportunity for you. Don't coax her into using you more than she already is.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

SO what do I do now guys? Do I go to meet her or not? If I go, what do I do there? I just want to talk about our marriage to see what would be the next step. She hasn't talked at all so far. I deserve an explanation.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

questionguy said:


> Update:
> 
> Talk to her mom to give ultimatum about the deadline of my visa application, where her failure to come back would result in her deportation. The mom talked to her and said I asked her to arranged a meet up as this does not work this way. You need to talk etc. Wife hasn't contacted me yet. Wondering what should I discuss, where to take her, how to approach during the meet up?


How about ignoring her if she calls? Is your wife 2 years old? Or is she an adult who faces the consequences of her actions? 

Dude, she LEFT you. What do you actually gain by coaxing her back? Someone who sticks around long enough to get residency then bolts again? 

Let me guess, you are going to fix yourself this time so she stays...It will be the new you and she will never want to leave you again...

You know why you are not sure what to discuss or how to approach her? Because there is nothing for you to say, her actions have spoken everything you need to know. 

You are grasping for straws. Good luck with that.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

questionguy said:


> SO what do I do now guys? Do I go to meet her or not? If I go, what do I do there? I just want to talk about our marriage to see what would be the next step. She hasn't talked at all so far. I deserve an explanation.


Let the visa run out.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> How about ignoring her if she calls? Is your wife 2 years old? Or is she an adult who faces the consequences of her actions?
> 
> Dude, she LEFT you. What do you actually gain by coaxing her back? Someone who sticks around long enough to get residency then bolts again?
> 
> ...


To be honest you are right!

You know, she did a lot for me, she helped me in the hardest conditions before and was beside me (you might say that as a wife it was her duty, but why didn't she leave me in the most troublesome and financially unstable moments?). She helped me financially to be where I am at the moment. She didn't leave me for nothing tho. I know I was not as she wanted me to be. I had a tenancy to hurt her with my words and elongate conflicts even though I never raised hands on her. I said very nasty things before that broke her heart. 

If we take the infidelity out of the equation, then what does a woman want from her life and marriage. We (husbands with separated wives) first have to accept that we did not act as expected otherwise the woman must be crazy to leave if everything was perfect. Again, I emphasis on the fact that if we roll out the infidelity, grass is greener or cheating scenarios.

Yes, I was thinking to get her back first based on the appeal of the visa thing as I know that under normal circumstances, the chances that a WAW or separated woman coming back is very small, especially within this short time frame. So I will use my power which is Visa and play the immigration card to get her back and then show her that I have changed. As if you don't like to watch a particular TV series, but I know that the series is awesome so I somehow force you to watch the first few episodes of it when I am sure you will like it and will be hooked. Is it moral? Not sure. Her leaving wasn't moral either. But at least I can get her back to show her she was wrong. What do you think?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Is it moral?

that is a good question, the reason why i say that is this...

did she love you in the first place? 
or did she like you enough to get married in order to get a visa?

look at the end of the day you want a wife to be with and grow with...you were a sucky husband be honest with that. 
that you own 100% and you need to fix that 
but given all that what is her end goal? 

definitely meet with her..

tell her how crappy of a husband you were, and what you are doing to fix it 
But you deserve to know her end game...and if its not to stay married to you then fine but be honest.
you need to ask her is she loves you? 
then tell her you will file next week and walk away...will she be deported...maybe, probably but that is not your issue at that point.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

questionguy said:


> To be honest you are right!
> 
> You know, she did a lot for me, she helped me in the hardest conditions before and was beside me (you might say that as a wife it was her duty, but why didn't she leave me in the most troublesome and financially unstable moments?). She helped me financially to be where I am at the moment. She didn't leave me for nothing tho. I know I was not as she wanted me to be. I had a tenancy to hurt her with my words and elongate conflicts even though I never raised hands on her. I said very nasty things before that broke her heart.
> 
> ...


Everything you are saying now does not line up with your original post:

"My wife and I (being together for 8 years and married for 5 years) had some issues in the past and I never thought that they are serious and major. Nonetheless, on 1st of December 2017, when I came home after work, I noticed that she took all her belongings with herself without any notice and left me a letter stating that she could not continue anymore and thus she chose to be separated. Having said that, we were very close and friendly with each other during the last 2 weeks before her separation and as a result, I did not expect this coming, which had a huge impact on me. I really love her and cannot cope living without her, especially in a place that we used to live together for almost 3 years. She does not tell me where she lives and stopped contacting me. She says that she is doing this according to what her counsellor/doctor told her. She does not say whether she wants a divorce or not.

Currently I am working on myself to do my best to address all the issues she mentioned and hope for the best. I have bought many relationship guidance books and read them all. I watch YouTube videos regarding this topic every day. I cannot do any other activities and I severely suffer from guilt. Thinking about a life without her will make me anxious and irritated."

Above post states for 2 weeks before she bolted everything was fine then boom. She GHOSTED you. 

Now you are saying its all your fault. Let me guess, she told you that AFTER she left? Being told it's all your fault AFTER they leave is classic cheater blame shifting. But it's noted that you have not any proof of infidelity, yet... 


Not really sure what you are trying to say here so for now I am disregarding:

"If we take the infidelity out of the equation, then what does a woman want from her life and marriage. We (husbands with separated wives) first have to accept that we did not act as expected otherwise the woman must be crazy to leave if everything was perfect. Again, I emphasis on the fact that if we roll out the infidelity, grass is greener or cheating scenarios."

As for your last paragraph good luck,. Your wife is well aware her visa is running out. I suspect she is banking on that you will use it as leverage to get her back, Then when she leaves you again after she gets residency you were placed on notice that your marriage had problems before and it was not the visa thing. 

I would let the visa run out and let her be deported. Then divorce her. You can always marry her again if it is true love. I am telling you this because I have seen your exact scenario play out among people I personally know.

One time I witnessed: Wife states months before Residency day that she is unhappy. In house separation. Hubby has keys to visa coming up in 8 months. Wife declaring undying love but needs time. Hubby confused but madly in love. Hubby finally listens to me and installed keylogger on PC and VAR in bedroom. Kaboom. Nailed on both devices. She's been banging the best friend in marital bed and plotting on leaving hubby penniless. After Residency of course. Hubby blows affair up and kicks wife out. Residency time comes around hubby signs over they are still married and she gets her card. He delayed the divorce so she could get her card. He did not want to be vindictive. He only did not because he expected her back but because he felt sorry for her and her poor family in South America. At that point he had no illusions of why she married him or how much his marriage was overshadowed by her deceitfulness. 

So I see 3 choices. 

1) Use VISA as leverage so she can leave you later.

2) Do nothing on VISA, wait for her to come back home because you are a nice changed man. (Enjoy the lonnnnngggg wait. )

3) Divorce now and visa expires. When she tries to block the impending divorce and visa expiration by declaring unwavering love tell her lets divorce and remarry later. That you looked inside yourself and that she was right, THAT YOU needed to CHANGE. Part of that change is not letting the visa get in the way of true love so by letting it expire and starting over you BOTH of you will be sure that it is TRUE LOVE and you are not married for the wrong reasons.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Everything you are saying now does not line up with your original post:
> 
> "My wife and I (being together for 8 years and married for 5 years) had some issues in the past and I never thought that they are serious and major. Nonetheless, on 1st of December 2017, when I came home after work, I noticed that she took all her belongings with herself without any notice and left me a letter stating that she could not continue anymore and thus she chose to be separated. Having said that, we were very close and friendly with each other during the last 2 weeks before her separation and as a result, I did not expect this coming, which had a huge impact on me. I really love her and cannot cope living without her, especially in a place that we used to live together for almost 3 years. She does not tell me where she lives and stopped contacting me. She says that she is doing this according to what her counsellor/doctor told her. She does not say whether she wants a divorce or not.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely right and logical about the points you made. Now few points:

1. There is a reason I say these now and you might find a mismatch between my comments now and those that I originally posted. Let me clarify. The reason I originally posted comments such as "had some issues in the past and I never thought that they are serious and major" and "we were very close and friendly with each other during the last 2 weeks before her separation" was that even though I had many issues, and she for that matter, we did not see them as major. Why? Because I used to apologies and she was so happy after that. She had bad attitude as well such as rudeness and being shouty, nonetheless, they seemed (at least at the time) trivial as we used to apologies and get back together and love each other. We quickly forgot about problems (now I see that I was the only one who forgot). Why didn't I mention the exact issues I had before? That is the whole point of NC! I worked on myself. I have improved. I now know the exact issues from my end and tried to rectify them. I think I am changed. The first step of fixing an issue is to admit that there is an issue.

2. Why didn't my wife wait just 2 months more and get her visa then leave if visa is the only worry she has, hence the limbo? 2 months is nothing compared to 8 years after all. I am gonna use the prison analogy although it might not be that accurate. Why would a prisoner plan a escape when he knows in 2 months his sentence would be over and he would walk out legally rather than being on the run constantly? What was she thinking? Any rational thinker would argue her move. You might say women, especially in this situation do not think rationally. Fair enough, but if she is at that level of sanity that could rent a flat, sign a contract, take all her belongings and leave nothing left, plan her leave so well that I as a "needy" and "checking" husband would not notice it, she would have second thoughts about the visa issue.

3. Lets say there is someone else involved! and she met that SOAB long time ago and she loves her. Base on this assumption, wouldn't she think that if she stays 2 more months, she can get her residency and then she can be with that SOAB "forever"? Her deportation leads to she not having that SOAB as well. She doesn't care about me, OK, but what about the SOAB? 

IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE AT ALL


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Every single person that reads your thread will tell you how terrible it is for you to do this to yourself. LET HER VISA RUN OUT.

The reasons for the fact that she doesn't love you anymore are INCONSEQUENTIAL. THEY DO NOT MATTER. Whether it's cheating, you were a bad husband, she wanted something else, she fell out of love with you, or WHATEVER. The fact is IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR WHO YOU BECOME! You will not convince a woman through logic or any other method that she is in love with you.

Your best bet for true happiness is to let her go, divorce, and start over. But you won't do that, because getting her back in the short term is the quickest and easiest way out of your HORRIBLE PAIN you are experiencing over losing your wife. Brother, we have all been there. We are telling you to rip off this bandaid. All you will do if you get her to stay (she WON'T stay, she has made this clear), is to extend the pain indefinitely.

What you are going to do is stupid, it's wrong, it's going to cause you more pain. However, it will be a learning experience. We've been there. We don't want you to have to learn in this way, because we know how painful it is. 

I know--- we don't know your situation, you think..... Well, you'll be back here after getting her the visa, and you'll be telling us we were right. We won't hold it against you, we'll just be sad that you did this to yourself.

Good luck.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

questionguy said:


> You are absolutely right and logical about the points you made. Now few points:
> 
> 1. There is a reason I say these now and you might find a mismatch between my comments now and those that I originally posted. Let me clarify. The reason I originally posted comments such as "had some issues in the past and I never thought that they are serious and major" and "we were very close and friendly with each other during the last 2 weeks before her separation" was that even though I had many issues, and she for that matter, we did not see them as major. Why? Because I used to apologies and she was so happy after that. She had bad attitude as well such as rudeness and being shouty, nonetheless, they seemed (at least at the time) trivial as we used to apologies and get back together and love each other. We quickly forgot about problems (now I see that I was the only one who forgot). Why didn't I mention the exact issues I had before? That is the whole point of NC! I worked on myself. I have improved. I now know the exact issues from my end and tried to rectify them. I think I am changed. The first step of fixing an issue is to admit that there is an issue.
> 
> ...


IT does not make sense to YOU. It makes perfect sense if she doesn't love you anymore, and simply wants away from you.
IT makes sense if she's cheating.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

All I'm saying is that if she is cheating, her deportation would make her being away from that person. Explain this.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

questionguy said:


> All I'm saying is that if she is cheating, her deportation would make her being away from that person. Explain this.


unless the om is going to sponsor her visa?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Unless her affair partner is going BACK to her original country??????


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

questionguy said:


> All I'm saying is that if she is cheating, her deportation would make her being away from that person. Explain this.


She has a guy back home.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

There are things we can't understand because they don't seem rational at all.
These people we spend time and love are the same people who tend to fool us the easiest.

Who's to say what the OM has said to her!

In my situation, I always felt a level of pride for my ex wife because she was book smart, and was incredibly street savvy the dual smarts and could switch on a drop of a dime was very sexy to me at the time. 

No one could fool her I thought, mechanics would lose out if she drove in with something wrong with the car.
Being multi racial and exotic, she use her looks and her street sagger to her advantage.

I was suprised her AP got her with the line "your Husban wont leave you, you guys have kids and been together forever. Proceed on telling her, I've seen this before , he'll cry and kick but wont leave!
Grave mistake on her part.

Well you never know who's in your wife's ear, and when they're gone, they're certainly gone she is someone unrecognizable.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There's no proven OM... whatever the reason for her leaving, the result is the same. Her ass is gone and isn't coming back.

Op needs to 
Let the visa default.
File for divorce
grieve the loss.
Start dating other, more beautiful women.
Pick a better woman, be a better man.
Stop blaming everything on himself. (Abandoned spouse syndrome)
Forget his ex and become indifferent to her.

Anything less and he is greatly increasing his own pain. He will eventually see that "fighting for her" is the quickest way to drive her away, and kicking her to the curb is the most likely chance he has if having her return as a loving wife.

But he won't see it until it's too late. I didn't either.


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## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

Only partially on topic.
I'm in the States.
Almost nobody goes back when their visa lapses. Is it that much different in the UK?
Here she would just continue for six months to two years before the government even asked about why she wasn't gone, assuming they ever did.
So is it an absolute that she would leave right away?


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

URGENT UPDATE HELP PLEASE!!!

So thank god I have talked to her over the phone today. She is only concern about money and guess what! From my understanding, she is intending to go for "Settle in the UK as a victim of domestic violence". She lied by saying things about me. She also kept the apology letter I wrote to her probably as evidence. She used to beat me and harassing me, but I never did anything against her. She said, you should have offered me money support as I am dealing with this harsh situation. I think she needs money for the lawyer and other things. I said you chose to be in this situation. I don't even know where you live. Why should I reward you with money?

Anyone from UK who can help me with this situation? I am worried that she might do something against me just to get her stay. What should I do?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Why do you care? What is she going to do against you? Stamp her feet on the ground? 

Whats should you do?:

1) Stop communicating with her,

2) Hire a solicitor to initiate divorce proceedings?

3) Do not renew her visa

4) See # 1 Again - Stop communicating with her


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Why do you care? What is she going to do against you? Stamp her feet on the ground?
> 
> Whats should you do?:
> 
> ...


I will. The only thing that worries me is my own settlement application. I need 1 more year to be UK permanent citizen and 1 more year after that to be British citizen. If she proceeds with the false allegations and somehow proves using love and apology letters, would that have a negative effect on my application?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

questionguy said:


> URGENT UPDATE HELP PLEASE!!!
> 
> So thank god I have talked to her over the phone today. She is only concern about money and guess what! From my understanding, she is intending to go for "Settle in the UK as a victim of domestic violence". She lied by saying things about me. She also kept the apology letter I wrote to her probably as evidence. She used to beat me and harassing me, but I never did anything against her. She said, you should have offered me money support as I am dealing with this harsh situation. I think she needs money for the lawyer and other things. I said you chose to be in this situation. I don't even know where you live. Why should I reward you with money?
> 
> Anyone from UK who can help me with this situation? I am worried that she might do something against me just to get her stay. What should I do?


 @MattMatt


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

If she has no bruises, no police reports, no hospital reports, no collaborative 3rd party disinterested witnesses her allegations will not stand scrutiny. 

Her allegations one month before visa renewal will show the Home office she is a liar and a manipulator. That is what will stand out, that is what they will scrutinize. Her motives and timing are transparent. Ignore her. You are fine. 

Just stop talking to her. Stop all communication. Now you know how conniving she is and to what depth she will stoop to use you to get her way. 

Consider this a blessing. Now you really know who she really is. She clearly does not love you, Divorcing her just got easier.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> If she has no bruises, no police reports, no hospital reports, no collaborative 3rd party disinterested witnesses her allegations will not stand scrutiny.
> 
> Her allegations one month before visa renewal will show the Home office she is a liar and a manipulator. That is what will stand out, that is what they will scrutinize. Her motives and timing are transparent. Ignore her. You are fine.
> 
> ...


When people show you who they are, believe them.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She set you up all this time while you were trying to make peace....when will you guys learn...nothing is ever as it seems. I keep telling you guys it always come down to human nature- nobody moves against their own better judgement unless the have another plan...self preservation.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Look man, you played this all her way now you get to deal with the results.

Weak men get walked on, used and manipulated all the time.

You are nothing more than another statistic.

Better get your ass to an attorney and see if you can salvage anything.

I don't know why but every broken hearted, weak and dumped guy just has to do the "pour out my heart, take all the blame" dumbass letter. It's like some kind of script that dumpees go through. 

What ever you put in it is very black and white and it can and probably will be used against you.

Sorry man but she is gonna use your weaknes against you.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> Look man, you played this all her way now you get to deal with the results.
> 
> Weak men get walked on, used and manipulated all the time.
> 
> ...


You are right. You might say now that I did not love her after reading what I am going to write:

I am neutral towards her now. I know hate is such a strong adjective, but having no feelings towards someone is worst. There is a thin line between love and hatred. Now that I know her worries were all about money and she just wants to stay here, I do not give a damn about anything happening to her. I dont want to be part of her life anymore. 

Now that she knows that I don't like her anymore and this time is real, she is now posting things on Instagram and updating her Whatsapp pics about how some people can't change etc. She wants me to respond to these so she can hang me around even more. If I file for the divorce, this can be used against me right? She can say he is doing this to pressure me as my visa is expiring. 

She has nothing against me as I have done nothing. No police report, no caution, no restraining order, no neighbors to be witness of any fight. Nothing. Is her words against me. I do not know where she lives and don't want to know at this point. I knew where she worked, but I have never gone to her workplace to see her so she can use it as a harassment. How can she prove her claims?

We have a saying in our culture and the direct translation is "An innocent might go as close as possible to the hanging stand, but he would never be hanged"

Anyway, is domestic violence a criminal act or family dispute?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Get a lawyer.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The UK law is very different. Any correspondence from what I've seen can be used as evidence of harassment. If you put it on paper or in a text/email you'll have to defend against it.

Cut off all contact and see a counselor as to what your rights are and I suspect you should file ASAP.

I hope you're finally out of denial in who she is now.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

questionguy said:


> You are right. You might say now that I did not love her after reading what I am going to write:
> 
> I am neutral towards her now. I know hate is such a strong adjective, but having no feelings towards someone is worst. There is a thin line between love and hatred. Now that I know her worries were all about money and she just wants to stay here, I do not give a damn about anything happening to her. I dont want to be part of her life anymore.
> 
> ...


The only reason you are filing for divorce is she has abandoned you and threatened you with a domestic violence petition. Her motives and the timing are transparent. 

A criminal act is a crime prosecuted by the Crown. A family dispute a just that, a family dispute. Domestic violence is a crime under the UK penal code. Domestic dispute can rise to the level of domestic violence. What you have written so far is not domestic violence. She can try and claim it is but then the Crown looks at the evidence and sees if the evidence supports the accusation. In your case I think not as a impassioned declaration of love and giant "I am sorry" does not meet the criteria of abuse. 

So far..Don't give them any reason to believe her and err on the side of caution.

You have been warned now. She is trying to ensnare you. She may try and entrap you. You absolutely must stay away from her. Save all attempts of her trying to communicate with you, do not reach out to her under any circumstances. You really need to see a solicitor ASAP. 

If I were you I would block her on social media. Don't get sucked into a trap. So far your wife does not sound too clever. You want to keep it that way. Let her flip out as the deadlines approach. Do not pick up phone if she calls. Let it go to voicemail. Make her email and text. Then you can save all and then possibly use that against her later. 

Your solicitor will ultimately advise you. What I have written above is just common sense.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Questionguy, the others here have given you excellent advice, especially BrokenInBrooklyn. She has nothing on you and you should not give her an opportunity to invent something. You do this by not communicating with her in any way. Of course it wont affect your application to become a citizen. If they find that she is playing games, it will not go well for her come deportation time. I have asked this before and I will ask it again - what is your background culture ? Palestinian/Jordanian, Iraqi, Lebanese, Syrian, Gulf/Desert Arab, African (all the countries - Morocco, Algeria, Libya, Tunisia, Egypt, Somalia, Sudan, Ethiopia/Eritrea etc), Iranian (not strictly Middle East) ??? I am very familiar with these cultures and am just curious I guess.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> Questionguy, the others here have given you excellent advice, especially BrokenInBrooklyn. She has nothing on you and you should not give her an opportunity to invent something. You do this by not communicating with her in any way. Of course it wont affect your application to become a citizen. If they find that she is playing games, it will not go well for her come deportation time. I have asked this before and I will ask it again - what is your background culture ? Palestinian/Jordanian, Iraqi, Lebanese, Syrian, Gulf/Desert Arab, African (all the countries - Morocco, Algeria, Libya, Tunisia, Egypt, Somalia, Sudan, Ethiopia/Eritrea etc), Iranian (not strictly Middle East) ??? I am very familiar with these cultures and am just curious I guess.


I have sent you a message about my background. Because no so many from my culture do this posting as far as I know and there are a limited websites about marriage, I don't want her to put our background in search boxes so this thread can come up.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> The only reason you are filing for divorce is she has abandoned you and threatened you with a domestic violence petition. Her motives and the timing are transparent.
> 
> A criminal act is a crime prosecuted by the Crown. A family dispute a just that, a family dispute. Domestic violence is a crime under the UK penal code. Domestic dispute can rise to the level of domestic violence. What you have written so far is not domestic violence. She can try and claim it is but then the Crown looks at the evidence and sees if the evidence supports the accusation. In your case I think not as a impassioned declaration of love and giant "I am sorry" does not meet the criteria of abuse.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. You are absolutely right about her not being clever. She is not. Although I think I got outsmarted by her moves LOL.

I will go and see a solicitor, but you seem to know infos about UK laws. Do you know if she can get a settlement based on DV at all? Considering on UKVI Gov.uk website it says it only applies to spouses (victims) of British nationals or people who are settled in the UK. I am neither of them. Using common sense, she should not be able to as if this was possible, it would be easiest route for a couple to come to UK and settle. Imagine a couple comes on a student visa, wife goes and get indefinite leave to remain in UK based on DV, then they can say we got back together and husband now applies as her dependant.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

questionguy said:


> Thank you so much. You are absolutely right about her not being clever. She is not. Although I think I got outsmarted by her moves LOL.
> 
> I will go and see a solicitor, but you seem to know infos about UK laws. Do you know if she can get a settlement based on DV at all? Considering on UKVI Gov.uk website it says it only applies to spouses (victims) of British nationals or people who are settled in the UK. I am neither of them. Using common sense, she should not be able to as if this was possible, it would be easiest route for a couple to come to UK and settle. Imagine a couple comes on a student visa, wife goes and get indefinite leave to remain in UK based on DV, then they can say we got back together and husband now applies as her dependant.


My knowledge of UK law is rather thin. 

Can she get a settlement based on DV (complaint)? I do not know what that means. Settle what? A divorce? She can simply demand and get a divorce for no reason at all. Can she file a DV complaint against you with the police? Yes. Then the police and the prosecutor review and decide if evidence supports her complaint and press forward with charges. 

Concerning her filing for a visa extension with the Visa and Immigration section of the Home Office under DV considerations:

She can try. I have no idea if she can or not. If she is allowed to they will certainly interview you. You need your supporting documents (emails, texts, timeline of events etc) and a solicitor representing you at that point. That is why it is really really important you do not enrage her any more. Let her prove her case with what she has. Basically nothing. 

I need to ask you why do you care where she lives? Has she not shown enough that she does not care about you? 

You seriously need to detach from this women. Try and put your head in the place where you could care less if she lives in the UK, Japan or the South Pole. Just as long as she stays away from you. 

By the way, make sure your family or friends do not contact her. She can claim she is the subject of DV from your family and friends as part of her complaint. Be very careful.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> My knowledge of UK law is rather thin.
> 
> Can she get a settlement based on DV (complaint)? I do not know what that means. Settle what? A divorce? She can simply demand and get a divorce for no reason at all. Can she file a DV complaint against you with the police? Yes. Then the police and the prosecutor review and decide if evidence supports her complaint and press forward with charges.
> 
> ...


I do know one thing about UK Law. The prosecutors and defense counsels are allowed to cooperate.

Play it very very straight.

Domestic and family laws aren't very kind to men if there's any reason for doubt.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Brokenguy, thank you for your PM. I can tell you that I have first hand experience of your situation (very similar friend, university graduate, being pursued and then given hell - in summary) - very similar!

First thing is - she is being coached! You need to know who is coaching her and what he/she knows/doesn't know about you. Your wife is supplying the facts and together they are twisting them.

As you know (especially in today's situation), residency is very important and being an overseas student is bloody expensive! So she will say/do anything to "survive". Of course her situation is financial. Unfortunately, here are the facts:


She doesn't want you. Now, unless you are the most unattractive man on the planet, this is normally because she has her eye on someone else (maybe met at university or other social circles). It would be useful to carefully and discreetly find out who.

She has educational aspirations but they are not the most important thing to her. Being an academic (like I used to be) you will know that if education is at the forefront of her mind, she would find a way. So education is not the driver but perhaps a means to stay in the UK. Finance can help there but I suspect she doesn't have enough money to pay overseas fees. And she doesn't want to go back and again I can understand why. So that makes you fair game - so you need to be very, very careful.

She will look to get you on a number of points: financial support, domestic violence, marital negligence, abuse (including mental abuse) or even a combination of all of these. Make sure your finances are secure and you are not abandoning her. Carry a VAR on you at all times and have it on whenever you engage with her (to protect you against false accusations of domestic violence). Get a lawyer and bring him up to speed on the situation and make sure to tell him the truth about her situation in terms of residency. Ask how you can protect yourself against all of the above points.

And then proceed with the divorce asap - if you find out there has been even a trace of infidelity involved then copy it, secure it and keep it under your hat for now.

Take care.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Someone is coaching her.
Likely someone familiar with the law. 

Domestic violence is a strong charge in the U.S., likely also in the U.K.

When her visa is expired, have someone turn her in.

I was almost going to say she has some serious mental health issues, such as Borderline Personality Disorder. The fact that she can go from warm to ice cold in one day is bizarre. 
TAM does not want layman to make diagnosis's like this. But she is a mean one, a devious one for sure.

Not your' worry. She came un-hinged. 
I suspect her secret and hoped for lover dumped her, or disappointed her. She got angry, took it out on you.
Go to an Attorney. 
File for divorce.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

QG, How are you holding up today?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Call immigration and let them in on her little ruse. Tell them it is her intention to build a case against you for domestic violence in order to stay in the country. Say that she is separated and you suspect that she has a lover. Say that you no longer wish to support her visa. They take a dim view of this and will be a lot harder on her than a regular immigrant. If you want, you can ask whether you can accelerate her deportation, I believe this can be achieved as you were likely the sponsoring partner. They will then apprehend her and send her home. This is all a matter of timing. Get her before she gets you. Whether or not she has taken a lover, she needs to leave.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Taxman said:


> Call immigration and let them in on her little ruse. Tell them it is her intention to build a case against you for domestic violence in order to stay in the country. Say that she is separated and you suspect that she has a lover. Say that you no longer wish to support her visa. They take a dim view of this and will be a lot harder on her than a regular immigrant. If you want, you can ask whether you can accelerate her deportation, I believe this can be achieved as you were likely the sponsoring partner. They will then apprehend her and send her home. This is all a matter of timing. Get her before she gets you. Whether or not she has taken a lover, she needs to leave.


I'd only add let your solicitor write the letter or at least advise you.


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## questionguy (Jan 15, 2018)

Update:

I have talked to my therapist and several solicitors (informal conversation). They all told me to focus on myself. A lawyer told me that she cannot do anything as she does not have any evidence. He said if you file for a divorce or report her separation, she can use this against you as I forced her/kicked her out of my life close to her visa expiry. They even told me not to move or change the lock so you show (which is the fact) the she chose to leave and she always had the chance to come back. This is in the direct correlation with what is really doing. So I was doing something that unknowingly correct. Whether I want her back or not is another story after she has done these to me. But this way I show that I am not forcing her out of my life and as a result she has become destitute. A person who works with many charities for women from middle east and deals with DV said that any lawyer who sees her claims would realise that she is lying. He said with current UK financial situation, these support entities cannot afford to provide any costly services such as getting a lawyer, providing housing etc to anyone. The only thing they might do is to try to see if there any way to reconciliation. Moreover, the route that I think she is going "Settle in the UK as a victim of domestic violence" only applies to wives of British nationals or people who have permanent residency, which I am neither of them.

So I am back to the beginning not knowing what her moves are with the difference that this time, I do not care. I just want to focus on myself and move on. 

What do you guys think?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what does the solicitors suggest...that you wait after her Visa expires to file for divorce? When is the best time then to file?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you buy a recorder to keep in your pocket at all times in case you run into her? Record any conversations, save any texts. Just in case. 

But definitely move on and focus on yourself. Find some things you'd like to do or learn or try. Exercise.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

questionguy said:


> Update:
> 
> I have talked to my therapist and several solicitors (informal conversation). They all told me to focus on myself. A lawyer told me that she cannot do anything as she does not have any evidence. He said if you file for a divorce or report her separation, she can use this against you as I forced her/kicked her out of my life close to her visa expiry. They even told me not to move or change the lock so you show (which is the fact) the she chose to leave and she always had the chance to come back. This is in the direct correlation with what is really doing. So I was doing something that unknowingly correct. Whether I want her back or not is another story after she has done these to me. But this way I show that I am not forcing her out of my life and as a result she has become destitute. A person who works with many charities for women from middle east and deals with DV said that any lawyer who sees her claims would realise that she is lying. He said with current UK financial situation, these support entities cannot afford to provide any costly services such as getting a lawyer, providing housing etc to anyone. The only thing they might do is to try to see if there any way to reconciliation. Moreover, the route that I think she is going "Settle in the UK as a victim of domestic violence" only applies to wives of British nationals or people who have permanent residency, which I am neither of them.
> 
> ...


I think your wife is not as clever as she thinks she is. I also suspect she is being coached by fools, probably including an affair partner hidden from you so far. 

Like we said before, only engage her via email and text so you can have hard copies. Do not initiate any conversations, let her do it. Do not beg, plead, ask for forgiveness, ask what she is doing, etc. Her threatening you with DV charges tells you all you need to know. What ever her motives are in this who cares? She threatened DV charges, that says it all.

Your wife is out of options really. The only real plays she has left will be for you to make big mistakes. She may attempt by appealing to your emotions to trigger a reaction which works in her favor. Don't fall into any traps.

Time to pay the lawyer and follow their instructions to the letter. Time is on your side. Stay calm and focused.


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