# This is the story with no end (yet)



## forthelog (Jun 15, 2011)

I find that writing things out helps me a lot. I want to tell everyone what I'm going through and hopefully by the time this thread official serves no purpose will be when my wife and I are back together or we can be divorced as two mutually respecting people.

First, I want to talk this post to describe my story. As all stories, this has a clear bias but I've talked to many people and have gotten much perspective so I'm hoping that the bias is limited and I can accurately portray my story.

I made a post here already that described the events that lead to my wife wanting a divorce, but I find that the post isn't fully true because I was blinded by a rage of emotion so allow me to tell you all my story.

I found out my wife wanted to leave me June 15th 2011. From then to now I have made a lot of mistakes. When I found out that she wanted to divorce me, I had no idea how this came about. I honestly believe it was because of the two arguments we had. I cried so much and I did the worse thing I could possibly do, call a thousand times and text often. 

I told my friends at work what was going on and they were supportive of me. I went to bed after awhile and woke up for work the next morning. I called her a thousand times ago, and through out the day. My boss let me leave work early because he saw how messed up I was. 

Then around lunch time she called me and we were talking. I told her I realized that I took her for granted and I wanted to change for her and the baby. I wanted to be there for her completely. She still wanted the divorce but she was more willing to talk to me. She told me not to come visit her and she would call me later.

Well 4 pm rolls around and she still hasn't called me, so I got anxious, I told her I was coming and drove to her parents home. On the way, there she sends me a text saying she couldn't talk, her father had a stroke. 

If I had a clear mind and wasn't guided by my emotions I would have turned back and gone home but I didn't. I drove on, picked up our dog, and told her the room I was staying at. While I was there, I also noticed she left her car unlock and that the gun she had there was unsecured (no ammo though), so I took it. 

Well, I tell her I took Jack and the Gun and I was in x hotel in room ###. Next thing I know it there are cops at my room asking for the gun. They were understanding of the situation and offered their sympathy. 

The next morning, I drove Jack back to her house since she expressed to the cops that she wish I would leave our dog there. I called the hospital to check on her dad, and found out he wasn't doing well. So I went there and tried to visit him, but yeah big mistake. I got the cops called on me again. 

I drove home and went to talk to an Army Chaplain. She was helpful and understanding and tried to make contact with my wife. It was hard for me. I thought about my wife every minute of the day. I know that calling and texting here were the worst things I could do, but I did. Every time I thought of her, every time I thought of the baby, I would break down.

To help ease the pain I hanged out with a friend of mine and he listen to my problems and we had a good time at the lake. However, when I got home, it hit me again and I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, I resolved not to call or text my wife at all. I decided to keep myself busy. I started to build a picnic table and organize some paper work. That took care of me most of the morning but as evening rolled around I failed. I called help hotlines. Finally, I called a MFLC (Military Family Life Consultant) and asked for help. They offered me 11 free sessions with a guy to help me manage my emotions. I thought I was making progress, but then I crashed again. I saw the picture of my baby's ultrasound and cried and called her again. 

This morning, was the worse. I *67 her so she wouldn't know it was me. I heard her voice and I died. I said hello and she hanged up and then I crashed. I jumped into my car and I was messed up. I had urges to just crash my car so I could hurt myself and see if she cared. Knowing that these thoughts were bad, I called the national suicide prevention line and she calmed me down. 

After that event, the police called me and said if I call her again they will put a warrant out for me. Again I cried and felt crush.

I spent the hours after that doing research on what I can do help myself. 

I have come to understand that the only way I can save this marriage is if I change as a person. I came to understand that begging her to talk, calling her, pleading, etc was the worse thing ever. 

Most importantly, I came to understand that I need to learn to be happy with myself right now, otherwise, I cannot make her happy. She needs her space and I can't change her mind. I can't make things work alone, but I can have the courage to change myself and take this opportunity to improve myself.

So I looked around my house and noticed what a mess it became. I'll admit, I was never one for housework, but I got down and dirty and cleaned it. If I want to fix things, I have to go on with my life and show her I am changing. If I can keep a clean house then that would be great. Tomorrow, I plan to cut the grass (all 1 acre of with with a push mower -_-). 

----
Message I want everyone who is going through this or just found out the awful news.

DO NOT PANIC! DO NOT BEG! DO NOT PLEAD! DO NOT VALUE YOURSELF LESS AND TAKE BLAME FOR IT ALL! 

Grieve if you have to, but to someone that isn't them. Talk to a friend. If you don't have friends, call a hotline over and over again. If you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, go to the hospital. Keep busy.

BELIEVE ME I KNOW THIS IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE. It was told to me and I disregarded it did it anyway. However, if you listen to this. If you will yourself then you can start to improve yourself and refocus on your life. If you find yourself speed dialing their number, put your phone in one place and the battery in another. The more effort it takes it turn on your phone, the better off you'll be.

My goal is to be able to form a friendship with the mother of my child. Yes I hope for more, but I know if I focus on that I'll start begging again.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

Unfortunately you may have found out she wanted to leave you June 15th 2011 but in reality she had checked out long ago. There is history to her wanting to divorce and it really doesn't matter the reasons real or false because in her mind they are very real...as for changing, that goes without saying but in reality it is way too early to make any sense to her...accepting your part in the failure of your marriage is a must. Then forgiving yourself AND forgiving her regardless if she never wants to reunite...you cannot go back and change the past and dwelling on WHY she wants to leave AND what her mindset is AND what she is doing now, is not going help you at all...only by going through your own self-reflection (which takes TIME) AND forgiving her can you begin to eliminate the negative thinking and start a NEW positive change in your life..you CANNOT change for her but you MUST change for yourself....bottom line is you cannot rush through the emotional rollercoaster but you can make it better when it slows down.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

You are the picture of a rejuvenated spirit. I wish the best for you and your situation. It is so important to remember that you are worth more than the sum total of your experiences. You have written words of wisdom regarding the process of diconnection and self reliance. Keep up the good work.


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## forthelog (Jun 15, 2011)

@MyTwoGirls
You're absolutely right. I know she has been hurting a long time. At first, I didn't understand what I did that was so bad that she wanted to end it and not even try. I had NO IDEA! I was in so much distress. But, I sat back and it began to hit me one after another. When I found out she was pregnant, I should've got on the ball. I should have cleaned a lot more, take her out more, complain less and just suck it up for her. 

When she started to complain she was beautiful, I should've called more from work and tell her she was beautiful. I should have made her feel like my queen again. I should have noticed that when she stopped smiling when I hugged her she was already forming a grudge. I should've taken that sign and done more and talk to her and LISTEN to her.

The truth of the matter is, I took her for granted. I know this. The intimacy we had was slipping and I didn't do anything to fix it. I cannot change my past. I cannot go back in time and fix it, no matter how much I want. All I can do now is move on and improve myself. All I know is that I spent to much time dwelling on the fact she is leaving me, and not on the fact that I can't control this.

There's a prayer I remember that I would like to share.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other

There's more but this is what strikes me the most. I have to accept that I cannot change her. But I can change myself. Everyone can improve and I'm working on myself. Yes, I will admit that I want her to be wow by my improvement and take me back. I would be a liar if I said otherwise. However, I do know this, if I can improve myself to the point that I'm happy with her or without her then I can move on with her and without her and be the best dad to my child as I can possibly be.

@Hesnothappy.

Thank you very much. I hope to make more progress and I hope other people can relate to this and learn from my mistake.


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## forthelog (Jun 15, 2011)

I have to update this now! Let me tell you what happened. I went to the hardware store to pick up more supplies for my picnic table. During that time, she came into the house got all her stuff and left the key. I'm glad I had the ultrasound picture of the baby in my car at the time.

I'm not going to lie I freaked out. I got into my car I started driving as fast as I can to route I knew she had to take to get out. I was fuming. I was angry. I was hurt.

Then as I drove I found a church. It was a church my wife and I been to a few times. I pulled into the church and talk to a pastor there. He prayed for me, and to make a long story short, I have never been so free.

The other day, I asked the Lord to come into my life and guide me and grant me comfort. Help me become the man he needs me to be in order to serve him. I meant every word. I was broken. I fell flat into the ground and gave up. I LOST IT ALL!

This evening, it hit me. This, God knew it would happen before it did. I actually drove home smiling. I showered, went back to the church for evening service and had the group of people pray for me. I was so touched. I was shaking. It was beautiful. I talked to the assistant pastor some more and decided to dedicate myself.

I don't know what will happen with my wife and myself. I do know that through the love and guidance of the Lord I will have strength to make it another day.

I don't say this to preach or ram religion down anyone throat. I say this because this is what happened to me today. Think of it was you will, but in my mind, the love that God offers is one of the surest way to feel comfort. Sure, as in sit in this empty house, I feel lonely and miss her. But I know that God has a purpose and that purpose doesn't make sense to me, but I know it's to make me a better servant of the lord!


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

Forgiving someone is a great thing but forgiving oneself is greater..I do this because it would not do any good to harbor ill-feelings toward my ex-wife..I have grown spiritually the past 14 months and have reflected enough to know that I played a major role in the decline of my marriage but I also know that I play the biggest role in my current and future life and God plays a major role in that..if it brings you peace then awesome..it works for me..some people find comfort in ice cream so what ever works is also awesome.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

God has a great purpose for your life. It sucks that pain and suffering are often required to mold us. But that is the case. I'm guilty as you are. I've taken my wife for granted. Her spirit was getting crushed and I had no clue. Does that mean she's innocent? Absolutely not. She gave up. I didn't do anything to deserve that. I too hope someday our marriage can be restored. But I'm also learning my ONLY option is to move on with my life. It scares me to know that moving on might include meeting someone new. Not that I want to meet someone (quite the opposite actually), but being open to whatever happens is what moving on is all about. Right now there's a part of my heart that I feel is reserved solely for my wife. It scares me to think that if I give that to someone else, I probably won't want my wife back even if she begs on her knees.

Its a difficult place to be... I have also relied heavily on God. Very glad to hear you have found comfort in Him. I'll pray for you sir.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I'm sorry but I have to say this: the title of this thread has me singing "This is the song that doesn't end" from that kids show when my son was little. Dammit.

YouTube - ‪Lamb chops play-Along‬‏ Enjoy.


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## forthelog (Jun 15, 2011)

This morning, I woke up crushed again. I didn't cry and I tried to get on about my day. I made an appointment with a counselor that I was told I could go see. I then drove around. I was very anxious.

My wife was suppose to have a cardiologist visit today. I know I shouldn't have called to spy but I found out by calling the cardiologist that she canceled the appoint. Again, I was hurt. I called a MFLC and I talked to him for maybe a good hour or so. He listen to me and we ended up talking about other things too. I really liked the guy.

Now, I'm just trying to get on and make it through the day. I'll be in prayer a lot.


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