# There can sometimes be reconciliation



## Steve1 (Oct 28, 2011)

First time posting, but I went through finding out about my partner being involved with a married mad, and can echo all of the feelings described by those who are going through this heart breaking ordeal. 

It seems like I am one of few who would say that my relationship did mend, and over 5 years later, I am happily married and secure in my marriage. In fact my wife and I celebrated 2 years marriage just last week. At the time of the affair, there was absolutely NO chance that I wanted to see her again, let alone get married.

It probably took about 6 months to really begin to believe her again, and a year or two to satisfy myself (via the usual suspicions and watching) that it had been a one-off. Her remorse and change in attitude and behaviour, coupled with the fact that I found out about the affair after she had ended it (I found an email where she had said the brief affair 'needs to end, I love my BF', helped make it a somewhat easier journey that most - and I do so feel for those who have not been given the slowly renewed confidence in a partner that I now have.

Each situation is different, and whilst I had the same amount of pain as anyone in finding out, and still mark the calendar when I can put another years distance between then and now, I want to encourage at least some victims that sometimes things can work out. And I am no sucker. I would NEVER have dreamt at the time that I would want to even be with her, let alone believed that it could be a great, new relationship. I would have written on a forum such as this that cheating partners should be thrown out into the street - and that is how I felt for a long time. It has taken a long time to forgive, and I will never really forget. But do not give up hope if there are signs, and CHANGES, and a willingness to leave the past in the past, and make things right.

Let this at least provide another view, that sometimes marriages can continue, or even be born, following something as terrible as an affair. It will not be a pleasant first few steps, but eventually those footsteps will be a long way behind you.


----------



## Steve1 (Oct 28, 2011)

Also, happy to talk through how I learned to cope, if anyone is doing it tough.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Okay, can you give some examples of how she changed her behavior and this this won't happen again when MLC hits? Or like some dude at work becomes friendly with her, or maybe if some old boyfriend years from now starts reconnecting with her through a social networking site?


----------



## Steve1 (Oct 28, 2011)

Fair questions, and ones that I have asked myself countless times, but all you can do is deal with what you have at the time.

At the time of the affair, there was distance between us, excuses for staying back at work, hidden texts and calls, secretive time spend on emails and online, closed doors, a cold bed, a general coolness in her behavior, no desire to do anything together, distance from her friends and family, a blasé attitude toward our future plans, and the other typical behaviors.

At the time that I found out, she had already ended the affair, of which there were three physical instances, and our relationship had improved dramatically. Unfortunately for her, I had already begun investigating, because of how she had been acting, and found my 'evidence' after the affair was over. This only took the sting out of finding out a tiny amount, because I still felt betrayed, hateful, and all of the other things that are normal to experience. I wanted to humiliate her for what she had done.

What helped begin to turn things around:

I spent the next 48 tearful hours interrogating her with every question imaginable, and she confessed to what she had done, and provided every detail of her actions ("that time when I said I had been to see so & so", or "this is the fake name I had for him in my cell phone"). I became obsessed with wanting to know every detail, because I was convinced at the time that if I knew every single thought that contributed to what had happened, and every single action and step she had taken, it would help detect it next time.

I did believe at the time, that I would never entertain reconciliation. I am a fiercely proud man, and the thought of my girl with another man ripped my heart apart.

I asked to see all of her emails, texts and any other details, and she provided me with all of these. And I did not have her deliver them to me the next day, edited or deleted. We went and logged on to her accounts, and I sat there and went through the terrible, treacherous words while she sobbed. It made me feel better that she was ashamed of what she had done, and still at that time, my intention was to throw her out. I hated her and what she had done.

Her last few emails to the OM showed remorse, and a desire to end their contact.

My wife then was very young, highly impressionable, and we were not exactly enjoying our living day to day existence. The OM was 20 years older than her, married with 2 kids, and a successful businessman. He was telling her things that she wanted to hear at the time, that I was not encouraging her with, and she bought into the whole thing.

Anyway, I am not answering your question as briefly as you asked it. Once I knew that this affair was over, I called the OM and put the fear of God into him. I think I did and said everything I could to make my wife feel as worthless and horrible as I could. And I felt no remorse for doing so at the time. I felt justified (and still do, somewhat - it was a betrayal).

She accepted my request to get the hell out, and spent some time with friends in the country. I don't want to sound all 'Oprah', but it was during this time that we both used this time apart to deal with what had happened. When she came back, we talked and I was at a point where I wanted to really believe that it had been a one-off mistake. Because it was a mistake. And we grade these transgressions much more harshly and seriously than almost any other type, because of the hurt and damage they cause, but I do believe that any mistake can be regretted, no matter how big or small.

The trust only really returned a long time after she began deserving it. I was overly suspicious with any phone call, text or email. I monitored her movements for a long time, and double and triple checked her stories with others to see if there were any gaps. But I can honestly say that from that day to this, (and we passed 5 years in August), there has NEVER been an instance where I have had to question her. And I am a naturally careful follower of detail. If there are ever questions regarding Facebook friends, work functions or any other reasons for me to be suspicious, she has always been completely open and honest with me. For the first couple of years, I was suspicious of every guy she knew, every guy at work, but there was never anything to be suspicious of.

The pain and sense of betrayal softened after a year or two, the trust gradually increased, and the love and respect returned. There is more involvement in each others lives now than there ever was. She is not even the same girl she was when we met. She is so much more attentive, loving and passionate. I would be lying if I said that I never think about what happened.

I don't have a crystal ball for how we will be in 10 or 20 years time, but nobody does, in any situation. What I do have, is the knowledge that right now, I am in a stable and loving relationship. That is all anybody can ever have, because as I found out, infidelity, like disease, can strike the healthiest of relationships, and the even the most unsuspecting shmucks like me.

I think maturity played a part in both our cases. I understand my situation is vastly different to most, but it is a story about recovery and reconciliation from a near fatal experience. It can happen. I didn't believe it at the time, but I do now.

Best of luck with your own situation.


----------



## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

Thanks for sharing Steve!
My husband & I have also reconciled after his affair. We seperated for 1 yr and during that time he truly changed. It has been a little over a year since he has been back home and our marriage is probably the best it has ever been in 10 yrs. There is a sense some relief to hear that it took you about 2yrs to finally feel you lcan eave the past in the past. But do you find yourself remembering or think about what happened less often?

I feel like its always in the back of my mind however, it does not consume me the way it use to or get in the way of moving forward. I just hope there comes a day that it is no longer a crossing thought. Not sure if that day ever comes?? The hurt & betrayal is something that I could never imagine was possible from him.
But after a lot of hard work on both our parts (MC and individual therapy) we have thus far made our marriage a new one. We both realize our faults and what went wrong and promised we would never allow ourselves to get back to that horrible place. 

Like you said, I dont have a crystal ball & know what our future holds but for now I can honestly say I trust him and have faith that our marriage will last. 
If people are able to forgive and feel that their spouse has truly changed then reconcilitation can me made.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You guys just want to have exciting lifes.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

R can work but I would say only a small % only survive. Alot probably try to R but fall apart eventually. Recovering from a betrayal cannot be easy from all the posts I have read over time and there are not alot of people who can really forgive enough to move on and have a happy marriage after infidelity.

Nothing is an absolute, there is no 100% this way or 100% that way. But the more often the not, most marriages/relationships fall apart after an affair.

I've seen on other sites that the couples who can truly reconcile is in the single digit % only. Alot reconcile for the kids or just to live like roomates and I don't count that as R at all.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

In your case, she was immediately remorseful, and although she cheated, it wasn't really in her character. And, you had a heart to give her the 2nd chance. But, in most other cases, it is just a symptom of their deeper disfunction, and that is what they are. So, I guess each situation is different and unique in that respect.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> R can work but I would say only a small % only survive. Alot probably try to R but fall apart eventually.
> 
> But the more often the not, most marriages/relationships fall apart after an affair.
> 
> I've seen on other sites that the couples who can truly reconcile is in the single digit % only.


I agree. I don't think most relationships survive infidelity. 

Steve, you said you just celebrated 2 yrs of marriage. How long were you married when she cheated?


----------



## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

Re-marriage to a cheating spouse who insists they are "sorry" and it wasn't "your fault" is akin to keeping a full grown tiger or lion in your home assuming they won't end up with you on their dinner menu.
If you don't watch either example very closely you will likely be sorry you didn't.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Was the OM's spouse informed? Were you tested for STDs?
If you never notified the OM's spouse, you have an obligation to do so, IMO.
I agree it is highly unlikey that reconcilliation can work, but it sometimes does.


----------



## Steve1 (Oct 28, 2011)

Tullip said:


> There is a sense some relief to hear that it took you about 2yrs to finally feel you lcan eave the past in the past. But do you find yourself remembering or think about what happened less often?
> 
> I feel like its always in the back of my mind however, it does not consume me the way it use to or get in the way of moving forward. I just hope there comes a day that it is no longer a crossing thought. Not sure if that day ever comes?? The hurt & betrayal is something that I could never imagine was possible from him.


I can only speak for myself of course, but you do think about it less & less over time. The hardest was the 18 months or so. You're never the same though, and I don't know if life would ever get back to normal for most people. But for a very small percentage, as others have suggested, there can be another start.

I'm not counting my chickens, but where there was one situation, contributed to by both of us, there is now a completely different situation, and the people involved have changed.

I wish you all the best. It is something I never want to experience again, and never intend to.


----------



## Steve1 (Oct 28, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> R can work but I would say only a small % only survive. Alot probably try to R but fall apart eventually. Recovering from a betrayal cannot be easy from all the posts I have read over time and there are not alot of people who can really forgive enough to move on and have a happy marriage after infidelity.
> 
> Nothing is an absolute, there is no 100% this way or 100% that way. But the more often the not, most marriages/relationships fall apart after an affair.
> 
> I've seen on other sites that the couples who can truly reconcile is in the single digit % only. Alot reconcile for the kids or just to live like roomates and I don't count that as R at all.


I would agree with your suggested statistic. I read a lot of guidance forums at the time also, and wasn't surprised to find only a small number seemed to reach reconciliation. I was encouraged by some successful ones though, and that is what I am hoping to offer here. But only where there is true change, total commitment and rebuilding of trust. It doesn't just take time, it takes dramatic change.


----------



## Steve1 (Oct 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Steve, you said you just celebrated 2 yrs of marriage. How long were you married when she cheated?


We weren't married, but we had been living together for about 2 years. It is now a little over 5 years since it happened.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Hi Steve . . . all the best to you and your missus. Thanks for sharing your experiences openly and honestly. There seems to be a number of positive lessons in this for anyone looking for that and/or encouragement. Glad you posted.


----------



## Steve1 (Oct 28, 2011)

Onedery said:


> Re-marriage to a cheating spouse who insists they are "sorry" and it wasn't "your fault" is akin to keeping a full grown tiger or lion in your home assuming they won't end up with you on their dinner menu.
> If you don't watch either example very closely you will likely be sorry you didn't.


I completely understand the bitterness, and the scepticism. I would have written exactly the same thing (and probably did) a few years ago. I hated her for what she allowed herself to do, and wanted to expose every cheat and liar I could. I still have a deep, deep anger for any kind of infidelity and I have nothing but sympathy for the innocent victims of cheating. Nobody deserves to go through it.

I would never advise the victims of cheating to just 'give it another go', because I agree with the majority of the people on this forum when they say that reconciliation is UNLIKELY. It is probably not going to work. In my case though as I write this, there was massive change in my situation, when I did not really expect there to be, and I know find myself in a different kind of relationship, and with someone who I believe has regretted her choices and the hurt she caused me from the time it happened. She has shown me this and proven her deeper love for me for over five increasingly long years.

So there is sometimes a chance. It can happen. People can change.


----------



## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks, Steve1, This thread is encouraging. My husband and I are in the early stages of what I call "recovery". He, too, has shown remorse and is trying to change. Thanks for the encouragement!


----------



## Steve1 (Oct 28, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Was the OM's spouse informed? Were you tested for STDs?
> If you never notified the OM's spouse, you have an obligation to do so, IMO.
> I agree it is highly unlikey that reconcilliation can work, but it sometimes does.


Hi Arnold,
The testing that took place immediately afterwards were some of the hardest times that either of us went through.
The OM was an travelling businessman who painted a picture - most likely a convenient lie - about the breakdown of his own marriage. Because he was from another state and it was only a brief affair (3 meetings), there is no contact information. And trust me I was on high alert for months for any contact. I feel sorry for the guy's wife, and hope she somehow found out herself.


----------



## Steve1 (Oct 28, 2011)

jayde said:


> Hi Steve . . . all the best to you and your missus. Thanks for sharing your experiences openly and honestly. There seems to be a number of positive lessons in this for anyone looking for that and/or encouragement. Glad you posted.


Thanks Jayde. Such a shame that this is the topic, but it is always good to hear from other people who have been through the same thing. I found a lot of help via these forums when I needed it at the time.


----------



## Steve1 (Oct 28, 2011)

K.K. said:


> Thanks, Steve1, This thread is encouraging. My husband and I are in the early stages of what I call "recovery". He, too, has shown remorse and is trying to change. Thanks for the encouragement!


Thanks K.K. I hope to be reading your story one day. All the best for your own situation.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Good luck. I wish you the best. I reconciled with my cheating husband only to have it end in divorce 5 years after because he cheated again. I really hope your story will be different. All the best to you.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Steve, I agree that recociliation can happen. But, I am amazed at thevariance between the success rates claimed on the "reconciliation for a fee/profit" sites and what my independent reading has shown. Some sites are claiming 85% recovery rates. But, the independent stuff, where there is no profit motive, put the % much, much lower.
I try to point out to folks that the odds are long not merely due to sour grapes(I was never given the opportunity to attempt recovery as my XW had no remorse), but because with these inflated stats out there, many floks who cannot recover feel deficient, as if they failed at something which is relatively easy and common. It is neither.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Arnold said:


> Some sites are claiming 85% recovery rates. But, the independent stuff, where there is no profit motive, put the % much, much lower.


Arnold, alot of those sites use couples that stay for the kids, financial or convenience. There is no love, no emotions, both are just there to be there. IMO that is not reconciling but living with one foot in the grave and just hoping that day will come when they can put both legs into the coffin.

All it asks if did you R and are you together, Yes and yes. But most don't ask why they both got back together, have things changed for the better etc...

That's just my opinion of why the R is so high on some sites and so low on others. Mine has worked out (14 years after d-day) but I'll never know if one day my wife just might turn around and say it's over and walk out. Nothing is set in stone but I hope we will be together for the long haul.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I think the high stat sites do folks a disservice, as they give false hope.
I know of so many folks who had to divorce due to this. What those sites fail to point out to folks is that just by virtue of having both spouses coming to their site, seeking help, they are , already, dealing with an exclusive group. In other word, they take their success stas from a group that has already demonstrted high motivation on the part of both parties to reconcile.
In my experience, it is much more commonthat cheating is either a dealbreaker for the betrayed spouse, or the cheater wants to run and not do the work.


----------

