# When a parent passes away



## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Is there any women on here who have a step-child living with them because the child's mother passed away? How did you handle the situation?

Here is what I am facing right now. My live in boyfriend has a nine year old son. The Mother is sick with Cancer and this past week she took a turn for the worse. The outlook for her is not good. She may not be long for this world. We are trying to prepare everyone for this.

I know it's one thing to blend two families after a divorce but what about if a parent passes? How do you help a traumatized child? How do I give my boyfriend the support he needs when he wants to shut everyone out?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Oh...that's so sad! 

No, I don't have any relevant experience but I hope someone can help. I know there are a lot of books about grieving.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm so sorry, I would ask her doctor for information in support groups in your area. Or if you are religious a church leader can help. Also check to see if either of you have an employee assistance program. Nine is a very young age to deal with this, just be open to his questions and keep an eye out on any new behaviors. Teachers maybe able to help too.

Here is one website you can check
Kids Konnected - Home

It's going to be hard to prepare him, but the fact that you care will help him cope. 

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Also, involve mom if she still can, in the process. What does she want you to do that will help him remember her. Is there somthing she would like to do before she passes? 

I think it will also leave her at peace to know that you care about her son. As a mother that is priceless to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

My H and I raised his sister's child after she died (cancer); she was 5 at the time and is now 19 years old. I can tell you that you will be dealing with a child who is grieving but is also very angry at having his life changed beyond his control or choice (new home, new school, etc.). His anger will also be driven by fear; fear because he no longer feels safe, that his world might somehow change again in the future. 

Some of his anger will likely be directed at you (if he lives with you and his father) because you will be the new “mother figure” in his daily life. His anger will be a protective mechanism used to prove to himself that he is not becoming attached to you, that you are not replacing his mother and also fear that if he does become attached to you that you will leave him too.

None of this is rational but it is the way young children think … you have to remember that at his age, the parts if his brain that allow emotional reasoning are just beginning to develop. Also know that none of what he is feeling has anything to do with you personally … it would be the same with any new “mother figure” in his life.

The best thing you can do for this child is to establish routine and stability in his new life as soon as possible after his mother’s death, make him feel wanted and welcome in your home, give him choices (control) in his new life in small ways. Allow his anger and, help him find ways to express his anger that do no harm to himself or others. The goal is to make him feel safe, accepted and loved.

The first 2 or 3 months after he comes to live with you may be what I like to call the “honeymoon period” in that he will try to be the perfect, loving child. After that is when the angry behavior will start so be prepared. I do not know anything about the level of commitment between you and the boy’s father however the more committed the relationship the better for all involved.

If you need help in the future with solutions for specific behaviors feel free to PM me and ask. Good luck, this will most likely be the most difficult and at the same time most rewarding thing you have ever done.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Thanks for the responses. My BF has been going over there daily to help take care for her and his son. I understand she needs him right now. I have not yet met her in person but I have spoke with her on the phone a couple times.

I do hope she pulls through this and gets better. The reality of death has hit my BF pretty hard too. He's been very stressed the past few days. I can tell this is stirring up any old feelings he had for her. I feel like all I can do is just sit here. That's not an easy feeling.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I'm so sorry, I would ask her doctor for information in support groups in your area. Or if you are religious a church leader can help. Also check to see if either of you have an employee assistance program. Nine is a very young age to deal with this, just be open to his questions and keep an eye out on any new behaviors. Teachers maybe able to help too.
> 
> Here is one website you can check
> Kids Konnected - Home
> ...


Thanks for the link. I checked it out but I could not find that program near me.


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