# My wife and my family clash!



## B9984b (Apr 4, 2013)

I and my wife have been married for almost two years now. All has been well, reconcilable conflicts here and there just like any marriage. We are staying together in our place away from both our families, My wife is the only girl from her family side, she only has three brothers. On the other hand I have two older brothers and a younger sister. My brothers are married too, I and my brothers always had a close and very healthy relationship as far as our marriages are concerned. We could confide in each other and trust each other for advice and stuff. The ladies (our wives) on the other hand are not that close, but had always had a normal relationship. 

Generally I am a peaceable person, I love t keep harmony between friends and family. I believe it is most men's desire to keep his wife and his family united. Problem is, when ever I try to sort out issues between my wife and any family member from my side she says I'm taking their side and not hers. 
The thing is, She has her own drastic way of dealing with issues which I do not agree with which she expects me to support. Example: If somebody does something she doesn't approve of, even if it was a mistake, she will snap at them and tell them where to get off,in a very harsh manner there and there. Then I only come in to do damage control, whereas I would have preferred her telling me about it and I sort it out in a more constructive way.

To cut the long story short, recently my wife had a conflict with one of my brother's wives, nothing major, but she decided not to talk to both of them again and my brothers too. She says they don't love her, so she is keeping her distance. Instead of wanting to reconcile, she has cut them all off. We were all together at home a few days ago, she wouldn't talk to any of them, she says I should support her on this and not take my families side. I understand the hurt but I believe every conflict can be resolved. She doesn't se it that way. I want to keep peace, how do I support the opposite?
It was very awkward, didn't know how t act. Right now I don't even have da energy to confront this because she will say the same thing that "you are choosing your family over me", Is this really what I'm doing?, This is pushing us and the family apart, what should I do?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your wife is EXCEEDINGLY immature! 

She is angry at one sister-in-law and decides to unilaterally cut off all three sisters-in-law and two brothers-in-law! And expects YOUR support? This is quite a radical move! Excising an entire family because she has a problem with a small part of it and MIGHT develop a problem with the rest. Let us thank God she's not a surgeon!

Your wife needs to learn how to fight fairly. Her childishness is NOT going to improve of its own accord...she will just be reinforced by her bullying.

Find a MC and make an appointment; tell your wife this is NON-NEGOTIABLE as you BOTH need to learn how to communicate better, fight fairly, support each other and air grievances in a constructive manner.

If your wife REFUSES to seek counseling (or read books on how to fight fairly), then I don't know how you can stay with someone who can't respect you or your family. Is this what she expects to teach YOUR CHILDREN about conflict resolution, fighting, how to get along with others? Good luck to them!

This isn't JUST about your family, you know. She undoubtedly doesn't handle conflict with ANYONE appropriately.


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## B9984b (Apr 4, 2013)

Thanks member, I'll consider seeing a MC.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your wife sounds like she is a bit of a princess and used to getting her way. A difficult person to live with.

Sometimes men fail to recognize, actually a lot of people not just men do it, that before a conflict can be worked out, feeling have to be acknowledged. Is it possible you might be skipping that step in the hopes of going straight to damage control?

Your SIL says something that upsets your wife, wife retaliates. You acknowledge her feelings first, and don't move on until you are certain she feels she has been understood.

"I see that what she said stung. That must hurt your feelings and I know you don't like it when SIL makes you feel that way...." 

You are not making any value judgements about what happened, you are just acknowledging her feelings. Once a person feels they've been understood, they are more open to understand.

"But they are my brothers and I really want us all to get along. What can I do so these things don't affect you as badly as they do?" 

On the other hand, she has to learn to let some things go in order to have a peaceful marriage. So you have to walk the line between asserting your desire to have a happy marriage and a close relationship with your family, and being supportive with your wife's feelings. 

It would be best if she could learn better conflict resolution skills!

My brother married a narcissistic princess and we all walked on egg shells around her. She ended up alienating him from us for a solid 15 years, until she had an affair and they separated. It was the best thing that ever happened to him! Only you can draw that line between wanting a happy marriage and keeping a close relationship with your brothers. But I do find it curious that none of your SIL are very close to one another... If you brothers get along so well it would naturally follow that the wives would too. So something in your family dynamics isn't working too well for the women.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Based on what you wrote, your wife's attitude is that of a spoiled kid. Unless you want to continue to be alienated from your family, the dynamic needs to change. Find middle ground.


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## B9984b (Apr 4, 2013)

@Anon Pink- I think the issue about putting her feelings first before doing damage control is a vital one, I have done that but every time I did she assumed I am support even the solution she has already decided upon, which mostly is to "keep her distance from the individual" I then struggle to find the balance between supporting her, being her shoulder to cry on and to be shock absorber between the two parties. As much as I support her I want her to know what I believe in, which is peace, forgiveness and harmony between people. This has not just been an issue to my family members only even friends. Now my brothers are scared of not stepping on her wrong side, yesterday my brother sent her (wife) an SMS to apologies for the clash, something that makes it clear that he also wants to reconcile, she hasn't responded to the SMS, I don't think she will, like I said, she has written them off. It would be very easy on my side if I at least felt like the conflict was something. Really big and deserving of such and approach, but I it was something very minor. Here. It is: She once confided to my sisters in law about an argument we had, she told them not to tell their husbands, and they did(betrayed her). I say this is minor because she also told me everything they said she shouldn't tell me. Our marriages were now open to everyone which was a good thing because we all knew we are accountable to each other. Now my brothers are suggesting we cut all this openness especial about our marriages to avoid such occurring in the future.

Nonetheless I am learning something from y'all's posts. Thank you.


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## B9984b (Apr 4, 2013)

About them not being close to each other, actually my two sisters inlaw have been friends even before they got married to my brothers, because they are from the same area, s I guess my wife feels left out because she came latter and found them already bonded together.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I would suggest there's more to it than just what you've mentioned.

Take my situation for example. I come from a very sarcastic family. We're always poking fun at each other, making insults in jest, etc...

My wife came from a more "proper" family. Humorless would be a good way to describe them.

When my wife and I would be at a family gathering, she would get the same treatment as I did. For me, it was nothing. I'd crack back, everyone would have a good laugh and move on, but not my wife. She took each joke, crack, comment personally and built up a lit of resentment. I didn't see it that way until she stopped going to family gatherings.

Maybe your perspective of events between her and your family differ greatly from her perspective and I suggest that's where you should concentrate. See if there isn't some sort on middle ground that can be reached so that things like whatever happened recently don't escalate into a cold war.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

My parents, and my mother in particlar didn't want me to marry my wife. She was 2 years older than me, and a single mom. I married her because I saw what a wonderful mom she was. Her character and because she was totally HOT. 

My mother said the marriage would not last 90 days. She always had a chip on her shoulder as far as my wife was concerened, even when time proved her to be a wonderful wife and mother.

My dad accepted my wife almost immediately, and they became good friends. My dad has always been known as a totally fair and honest man, and for good reason.....

My wife was always civil to my mom, and won over literally everyone in my family. They all loved her in spite of what mom thought, and said about her..Both my grandmothers loved my wife, and said I married a good woman....

It took 30 years for my mother to admit my marriage was not a mistake...By then of course, the damage was done, right up till her passing 15 years ago she and my wife were never close, ...something my wife had yearned for early in our marriage. 

Now 47 years later, I love my wife more than ever. She is a shining example of a perfect wife, mother, helpmate, and lover, and she is still HOT...


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