# He just walked out the door a few minutes ago



## FilaBrasileiro (Mar 5, 2014)

I did not cry, I am numb, in shock, scary that I did not break down, after 29 years. I know its going to hit me, hard, and am scared for when it does. So many things I did wrong, apparently unforgivable. Everyone is mad but me. I am filled with nothing more than deep profound sadness and actual physical pain. Guts and heart are ripped into pieces. I think I will be on autopilot for a long time.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

What happened to bring this on?
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## FilaBrasileiro (Mar 5, 2014)

I really have no clue. He has always been unhappy, depressed, a binge alcoholic that has cost him more jobs than I can count. He is always suicidal when he drinks, one episode about 25 years ago he ended u in the hospital with a BAL of 4.35. Drs said they dont know how he survived. I was at work when he got a hold of and drank about a half gallon of vodka. How anyone could do that is beyond me. He almost lost his job last year, he even got a gun from his job and tried to kill himself but they helped him and they provided him with therapy and about 3 months off. Now he got a promotion, is over numerous employees, and his stress level is beyond belief. I know it will be a matter of time before he crashes. I asked him to keep me on the life insurance because we both know how this most likely will end. For now, he thinks just being away from me will solve his depression. I know he is on a path he might not come back from, but I refuse to take responsibility for it. We went from planning a camping trip with teh grandson to the next day he calmly telling me he was done and for me to file for disability. No fight, nothing, just oh by the way....


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Please take care of yourself. I ended a 28 yr marriage (35 yr relationship) and the adjustments are huge. Keep reminding yourself that you did not create or cause his depression and you cannot make it go away. I hope you are on a path of healing and peace.


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## FilaBrasileiro (Mar 5, 2014)

We are country folks. I try not to go to town more than once a week and once every two weeks is even better. Now my family thinks I cannot stay in the house for more than one day alone. They have all kinds of crap planned that I really had no interest in before and sure dont now. For now, I just need solitude but am trying to let them help in their own ways. I am vision impaired and cannot drive, and am use to a little help but also used to dealing with struggles on my own. Therapist got ahold of me today so that will start this week. Need a good way to make the calls and trips to town stop for now, and not hurt their feelings.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Im so sorry for your situation. In your first post you stated you made many mistakes. Can you share them? Did they contribute to hiz drinking? If you dont want to discuss thats fine. But I will say this his drinking is his fault alone. Only he can make himself quit. Whatever happens to him is his own fault.
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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

So sorry your going through this, you are in no way to blame for his drinking it's his responsibility & his alone, only he can take the steps required to change his path. 

Be kind to yourself, accept help if you need it but also don't be afraid to tell them you want to be alone.


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## FilaBrasileiro (Mar 5, 2014)

Thound, My fault because I am a rape survivor, the abduction happened only a few months before we got married, and did not get help that would have made my life, and his much better. He spent all his life trying to protect me, and it contributed to his depression and self medicating. Because I was dealing with the PTSD, instead of being the wife I should have been, now that I got on a healthy path it seemed he felt no longer needed possibly. He said he was done, loves me but is not in love with me. Tired of dealing with people all day then not being able to be alone. Yet the past 3 weeks he has spent almost every evening with co-workers, something I had told him would be good for him, to have a few friends, but he always said he couldnt stand. His perfect life he always told me was his small family on a mountaintop and no one else. Stupidly I believed him. A few months ago I started therapy, and got better, and it opened my eyes to things in my life that needed to be changed, and I was making progress, and now it seems its like one huge step back and back to the drawing board on my mental wellness. He said he has been planning on leaving me for years yet he never mentioned anything to make anyone know his feelings. Crazy, and so out of the blue. So many plans now trashed.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

FilaBrasileiro said:


> We are country folks. I try not to go to town more than once a week and once every two weeks is even better. Now my family thinks I cannot stay in the house for more than one day alone. They have all kinds of crap planned that I really had no interest in before and sure dont now. For now, I just need solitude but am trying to let them help in their own ways. I am vision impaired and cannot drive, and am use to a little help but also used to dealing with struggles on my own. Therapist got ahold of me today so that will start this week. Need a good way to make the calls and trips to town stop for now, and not hurt their feelings.


fila, be careful about the wanting to be alone. I understand that desire but I also know how it can allow you to spiral down. Let people reach out and help you. 

You can't fix your husband. All you can do is work on yourself so I am glad to hear that you are in IC. 

Good luck. It is a huge adjustment, I know.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

So sorry to hear what happened to you. As far as getting help goes it woulx have probably been better if you did get help sooner, but everyone is different. He may have left anyway.

My only suggestion is to keep working on you. Dont regress because of your husbands actions. If he is truly gone, then you will need the help more than ever. If you dont get help your going to remain miserable and stil not have a husband. KEEP GOING FORWARD!!
I wish you all the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FilaBrasileiro (Mar 5, 2014)

Sorry,prety tipse right now but wh does he tell me he still loves me when he acts like he doesnt???


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