# it it so painful



## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

My husband and I separated about two months ago, but we were trying to work things out, I found out that he had been staying " ont he couch" at the home of a female co worker of his, and that two days after he told me he wanted a separtion, he started seeing her romanticaly. i found out about that about a week after it started, and after a lot of yelling and screaming at him ( I never yell or scream, so it was really weird), he said he'd stop seeing her and we would try and work on things. he was still staying out al night most nights( he said we were still separated, and had made up a room for himself in the basement), but that we were trying to work things out. About a week after that, I was out for a walk with my three kids and I went by her house ( I didn't know that was where she lived), and he was there with her int he driveway. After a lot of arguing, he told me that he'd like to see a different counselor than the one we'd seen, and left for the night again. We talked more the next day, and the pattern was the same. On the Monday that we were supposed to be seeing the new counselor, he came home around 2 PM ( he was on leave from work) and I got so angry, as that almost made us late for the appointment. I asked him point blank if he was still seeing the other girl, and he said he was. I was so angry that I called his unit padre ( he's in the army, and this other woman is one of his direct subordinates- he could be charged if the fact that they had been seeing each other got out) and reported him. I also called my dad who knows a divorce lawyer here and asked him to contact the lawyer for me. I told my husband about doing those things, and I think that somehow it made the reality of what he was doing finally sink in. we went to the counselor, and she was really good. We have been working on things since then ( about three weeks) , but now there is another problem. My husband was supposed to be deployed ina few weeks, but due to reasons beyond his control, he has been taken off the deployment.Being deployed would have meant that he would have earned an extra $20,000, so he is angry about losing that income. It also means that he will be abck working with that other woman every day, and I don't think that i can stand that. 
I'm still really hurt by this whole thing, but with the extra stress that he is under right now, I don't feel like I can talk to him about it. Things seemed to be going so well until yesterday when he found out that he was being taken off the deployment, and now he's angry ( not at me, but at the situation), and I know that she is probably right there just waiting for something like this.
what can I do?


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

ther is more to what happened than what is in my first post. we have three kids, two of whom are autistic ( one has Aspergers syndrome, youngest is autistic), and our oldest child also has fibromyalgia ( she is 11). Maybe I was feeling kind of "worn down" by everything, and that made my kind of "lazy" about our relationship. we almost never went out together, as up until this past month, we couldn't find a baby sitter. I stayed at home with the kids, as with their problems, they needed me at home, so with one income, money has always been tight, which is another source of stress. Because he is away a lot, I handled the finances, which he came to interpret as an attempt to "control" him.
Our counselor has helped us to see that we have both made mistakes, but they are things that can be corrected if we are both willing to dedicate the time and effort to doing so. I am trying, but maybe everything is still to fresh for me, as I feel like a part of me has been destroyed, and I don't know how to get it back. I'm afraid that if things get really stressful, he'll leave again, or turn back to her. Will this feeling ever go away?


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Frozensprouts, It sounds like you have a lot on your plate on top of the added stress of an affair. 

I doubt you can do anything to stop the affair, as cheating appears to be very similar to substance abuse. If you can't take it any longer, your only real option is a divorce. 

Many times affairs run their course and end. Men usually don't leave their spouses, but it is selfish and childish, and not at all fair to you and your children if he continues on with this. Believe me, I do feel your pain. 

How did he react when you told him that you are considering divorce?


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

I think that it took me doing that to make him see that I just couldn't take it anymore. But we are trying to make things better, and most of the time they do feel better, and the counselor has been a great help. it's just that I still feel, underneath everything, really hurt and sad and betrayed.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I wish you all the best and hope it all works out for you. I have heard that an affair is almost as painful as dealing with the loss of a child. Thank God I haven't had to find that out and I pray that I never have to. I know my H's affair certainly is one of the most painful things I have dealt with in my life. 

(((HUGS))) to you!


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

my husband just left today for his pre-deployment briefings/ courses- he's gone for two weeks to another province, there here on leave for two weeks, then back to work for two weeks then he's deployed for seven months. I am really hoping that all that time away from that other girl will put enough time/distance between the two of them to give him time to see her for what she really is- I know that it is not all her fault- but she is an adult who knowingly chose to start seeing a married guy with a family ( she has a history of "seeing" her superiors), so no matter how hard I try I am finding it hard to forgive her. Maybe I don't have to.

When my husband left this morning to go to his course, he told me he loved me, which was really nice to hear. For a long time he was saying that he still cared about me, but not in that way. we are both really putting in an effort to make things better and understand each other, and I know that when he said that, he wasn't just saying it- there was a lot of thought and meaning behind it. It doesn't nullify the pain he caused me, but the words seem to have more meaning now than they would have before we went through all of this ( for a complete synopsis of what happened with us, check out any of my previous posts- I have kept up a long, and hopefully not too annoying, update on what has been going on, and I appreciate all the support and advice I have been given. Cheers and best of luck to all!)


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## dexdastardly (Sep 6, 2009)

First of all I admire you for sharing this with everyone, Its very difficult to share with people you don't know. 
Secondly thanks for posting on my thread its nice to know i'm not the only one who is in this situation.
I know this might sound harsh but its a well known fact that men have a higher sex drive than females, and as such (bless our little cotton socks) need more in that dept.
I think that your husband will realise how much of a rock you are to him when he gets deployed, It certainly sounds like you have a lot to deal with at home and he should respect the fact that you have held it together for so long. 
I'm not pretending that I know all about your situation but you are trying and that is the best you can do. when he gets back I feel that you should get someone to look after the kids ( I know this will be hard for you) and spend a weekend alone. 
I hope he will realise what he has done to both you and the kids, If he is army the support is there and everyone will have to make sacrifices to make it work. 
I thnk the pair of you can work through this and will be happy and raise a great family together.
Sorry to bring it up again but do the whole weekend together and rut like bunnies, its a great stress reliever and will help you to re-connect.

All the best

Dex


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

dexdastardly,
my problem with that is that hings are still pretty "raw" for me, and I am still feeling really hurt. It's like I've got the "rational' side of me that says that things will be okay, and the "hurt" side that doesn't trust him at all. It's really hard to be intimate with him on any level right now ( though I do try) , as I can't help but think of the two of them together- and that makes me feel ill. It's not just the sex, but I do know that he "ran me down" quite a bit to her, and all I can think of sometimes is what he must have told her.
He also wants to get a new laptop to take on deployment with him-again, the logical prt of me says that's just to ahve something to do while he's on his "off time" there- but the huirt part thinks that he will be using it to try and stay in contact with her ( mind you, I have absolutely no evidence at all that this is the case, but I can't help it when those thoughts creep into my head). He's away on pre deployment briefings now, and though he does call me every night, I can't help but wonder what he's doing in his time off. There was one night that he didn't call me- I was away late at a meeting, and I spent the next day feeling miserable- thinking that he was going to leave again. I am lucky that i have a good counselor, who told me that there was no real basis for my fear ( she was right) and that I have been "taumatized" more than I realize.
I only wish that every person who considered cheating on their spouse, whether they are male or female, considered what kind of pain they were going to put their spouse through- maybe then, they wouldn't do it ( how would they feel if someone did it to their daughter/sister/mother, etc.- and yet, they would do it to their wife/spouse)


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I would give all this some time, and then see how you feel. I would likely be feeling the same as you do, if I were in your situation. I would probably starve to death, as I don't have a big appetite, anyway, and when I am upset, it is difficult to get anything down. 

During the divorce from my first husband, I ate a half can of chicken noodle soup, every other day for about three weeks. I was down to eighty-eight pounds at one point. The only thing that helped was to get out of town for a couple of days. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, for those two days, but on the way back home, the closer I got, the more ill I began to feel. I realize that it was all psychological, but it did help to have a distraction from the emotional pain.


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