# Trying to understand my husband and not give up



## tforty1851 (Jan 10, 2011)

Hi. My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years and have 2 kids, age 7 and 12. My husband will be retired from the Navy after 20 years on Jan. 31st, 2012. I am a stay-at-home mom that is suffering from Bipolar 2, anxiety and possibly ADD. My husband has ADD and my son has ADHD and a mood disorder and my daughter has anxiety. 

Anyways, my husband and I are having a very hard time understanding each other. We are just getting used to being together again after him being stationed in CA (we moved to TX to retire) and was waiting on him to get here. With him being in the Navy, he was gone almost always anyways. Each time he comes home, and even when he is away, we are always arguing, fighting and yelling about stupid things. We have had a lot of hard times and seems nothing goes our way. We didn't plan on getting an apartment when he retires. We didn't plan on being in so much debt. We didn't know what it would be like when he retires. We chose to not live around family. Well, I didn't like the idea. I hated the idea and wanted to be by them, but our family is in all different parts of the U.S. Our life is so complicated to explain to others. I always had setbacks with the bipolar and anxiety. Couldn't work because of anxiety which causes depression. The bipolar...ugh. There are so many times I had a nervous breakdown when he was gone. He had to come back from the boat, or fly back home. I can't take that back. 

My husband never once mentions how he wants to divorce me, but right now I constantly say how unhappy he makes me. Why? Because being around him and his negativity is so hard. It brings me down. Everything he says is negative. He often flies off the handle into rage over the stupidist things. The kids, or me. I am not saying I am perfect, but he gets so irate. He doesn't know when to slow down and be patient. This house is so tense I just don't know what to do.

I know I am babbling, but I am not sure what the problem is. He is retiring from the Navy and he will only get mabe one or two more paychecks. Since he has been here (2 wks) he has had a couple interviews and even got to a place to do testing. Hands on stuff. He is worried that he is not getting a job fast enough and that he won't be able to support his family. I keep on trying to encourage him and think positive and when he asks I give him suggestions. I look on the internet for jobs and send it to him, and he applies. He is making such an effort and I am so proud of him. It is such an improvement from when before we moved. Before he was in such a depression that everything was negative and it was just a mess. Right now I think he is depressed that he doesn't have a job yet, and anxious. He is not diagnosed with anything but the ADD, and on no meds and refuses to. 

I feel hurt all the time cause I feel like we are complete strangers. Or roomates living in the same place. He has never been affectionate, and I am learning to live with it, but still hate it. I bring it up now and then, which he hates. I don't want the sex from him (although it would be great) or the gifts or whatever. I just want to be able to have a normal loving conversation with him and not fight. Everything ends up being an argument. One minute he will be fine and then something will set him off and he just keeps on going and going. 

How do I deal with his constant arguing/temper when I know that he is stressed? How do I stay out of the negativity and avoid feeling hurt by his being in his own world? I know guys retreat into their cave whenever their are problems and like to solve them for theirselves (i just read that). But in a marriage, how can I live under the same roof with all this tension? I feel like running away. I can't just stay in the room all day. I hate his constant yelling at the kids. He says he doesn't know how to be a husband or a father..they don't teach him that in the Navy. He asks me to teach him how to do things like that. But I can't. I can't teach him how to be affectionate or a better husband. For the affectionate part, I think that comes naturally. I am the only one that he has really loved. Well, why doesn't he show it? I guess he wasn't taught that. I feel like leaving so much, but I don't know where to go. No family or friends around here. I want us to be happy. I know I am selfish alot and he points that out. Is it selfish to want to be happy? He thinks I am trying to critique him into the person I want him to be. I guess I am. I don't know. I just know that he wasn't so stressed out before we married and am thinking that I am the cause of his problems. Anyways, I just wanted to get this out and see if anyone can relate, cause I feel alone. Thanks.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Really, bottom line is, you either want to stay married to him or you don't. If you do, know that he is who he is and isn't going to be a different person overnight. You are the one who has to lay the foundation when he returns and not only show him the ropes on how to be a father and husband, but the most important thing, I think, right now, is-make things pleasant for him. Men need that. Yes, you have needs that aren't being met, I understand, but you are the one who has run the house and kids all along, really, and you are the one who needs to show him, 1- how it is done, and 2-that your household is a pleasant and happy one, and you expect it to stay pleasant. Many times we have to be the one that swallows our pride and makes the first moves in a situation; giving everything that we, in fact, want back. ONE of you has to be the one that makes the first moves. I'm not ignoring the fact that you have needs and wants too, I'm only saying that men need a certain security, as we do, and they need to feel important and loved, as we do. Give him all of that, as you can, and be patient. Let him know you support him, are proud of him, love him, need him, are there for him, etc...give him all that you expect from him and give him time to see that you are a wonderful, supporting wife. Be the loving spouse that you want him to be. 
Him returning home is actually like a new chance at a brand new start for the two of you.
Best wishes


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