# First Holiday without my wife



## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

I have the kids. I feel like I am walking around in a fog. It is sooooo much harder than I thought it would be. So now I am worried about Christmas. She will have the kids and I will be all alone. Just feeling down about it all.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

I'm feeling your pain. It isn't supposed to be like this.
Try to enjoy your kids, these days don't last long...good or bad.


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## Lamailman (Nov 2, 2014)

Gonna Make It said:


> I have the kids. I feel like I am walking around in a fog. It is sooooo much harder than I thought it would be. So now I am worried about Christmas. She will have the kids and I will be all alone. Just feeling down about it all.


Going through the same thing. Wife had the kids first half of the day then I just went get them and now have them for the weekend. It's nice to have them but this sucks, it ain't supposed to be this way. Miss having my family together. Today has been rough.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

I made the mistake of offering to take our girls (my stepdaughters) with me and my son today for our family's thanksgiving. She rejected it, again. Nicely, but rejection nonetheless. I was hesitant because it was the "nice thing to do" but it was more for the girls.. Theyoungest one doesn't quite get what is going on. I hated putting the control back in her hands for fear of doing exactly what she did. I have my son for a couple more hours. We are watching a movie then I take him back.
I wish we could be divorced already. 
I honestly just wish I had my family back.
How can a woman...a mom of 3...how can women be like this?


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

The feelings you are having a very normal, the pit in you belly the thumping chest, the lack of sleep the anxiety, lack of appetite and so on. This is normal, it is important to feel this so we can train our brain to manage it better. Just dont let it consume you.

In terms of managing it, think about coping mechanisms for your anxiety in the short term, things like, exercise, leaning on a close friend, keeping busy with a hobby, doing something you have wanted to do but never did. Focus on putting your needs first. 

Its very tough, its a loss and we tend to think way too far ahead, we catastrophise, so for now take little bites and do little things day to day that improve your feelings and circumstances.

Change your thinking slowly to see this a positive and use this time to improve yourself. I cant stress this enough, you may not see it now, but you will. Try and stop focusing on your ex.

READ THE 180....ADOPT IT FOR YOU.

Do not repress your feelings express them, cry when you need to its cathartic and you will feel better after it. Be kind to yourself. Be careful not to get too angry and to not become a victim in this. 

It will improve I'm about 4 to 5 months in now and on road to divorce, but am much stronger and happier than I ever was. I never thought I would be here today thinking like this, so rest assured if you do what you need to for you, in time you will also feel better and be better. Stay focused and strong. You can do this. 

Post away here and we will motivate and direct you. Get to it!


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

Dropped off my son, he didn't want to go. I stayed a bit to read him a book. She didn't seemed thrilled and was dressed nice (going to her family's house).
A year ago...6 months ago, I never would have imagined this.
I pray that we are all so far past this at this time next year that it will feel like the best Thanksgiving ever...this is really feeling like the worst.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The "first" of anything is difficult when you are dealing wth loss but it does get better with time.

As to how women/moms can do these things? Much like men/dads do -- unfortunately. Both genders blow up marriages and move on. We have to learn to move on too. And we do.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I've been there and believe me, you can and will survive. You can make it a easy or as hard on you as you want. It's up to you.


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

I'm in the same boat. This was our first Thanksgiving as just the kids and I. I had the entire week off with the kids and it seemed like an eternity. I planned outings every day, but it was still hard. I cried so much on Thanksgiving morning that I had to go for a walk so the kids wouldn't see me. 

My STBX woke me up early Saturday morning wanting to talk to our son before his soccer game. I've asked him numerous times not to call so early, but somehow he feels that by wishing him good luck before his game makes up for his absence during the game. I told him you could call him before, during, and after the game, and it still doesn't make-up for the fact that you won't be THERE to watch him. 

I've decided not to spend Xmas at my home like we traditionally do. It'll be too hard. I suggest you do the same. Go to a family's home, a friend, or vacation. It just seem fair that we are heartbroken and while they're living a normal life.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

How are things going?


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

This is my first holiday time away from my WW. She had the kids on thanksgiving, and I get them for Christmas. She is having lunch Christmas Eve at her family's place then coming back to our town that afternoon to bring the kids to me. I am glad I will have the kids to myself Christmas morning, but I know that since she is coming back home Christmas Eve then she will be spending her Christmas with OM. That's still stings.

This year is my year of "firsts"


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

This is going to pass. We are in similar, painful and lonely boats. Please keep posting on here. I think it can help. 

Right now I just want to sleep. Last night was a hard night. 

You aren't alone.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Gonna Make It said:


> I have the kids. I feel like I am walking around in a fog. It is sooooo much harder than I thought it would be. So now I am worried about Christmas. She will have the kids and I will be all alone. Just feeling down about it all.


 Hey bud, it's ok, in the end it is just a day on the Calendar, so all that's left for you to focus on is all the other days you spend with your children. If it makes you feel better, which it won't right now but one day will, Christmas is just one day among a 2 week long break, seize the time in those 2 weeks to bond and enjoy each others company.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I started a holiday thread, too. It's so hard...this first year. I'm really at peace in so many places, but this is not one of them. I treasure having my family gathered together, and I adore my StBX's family. Everything we do is with them-I don't really have family/traditions on my side. It will be so hard to have them holding the traditions we built for 20 years...without me there. 

I have a dear friend who lost her parents a few years ago, and they already had Christmas with her husband's family last weekend. She has invited me and several other people and families over to just be together at their home with her family. I'll head over there on Christmas Day. I am looking forward to it. I'll be with people I can be myself with-no brave face needed. 

Just a few more days. Be kind to yourself. Find something that will soothe you. And soon, we can say the first holidays are behind us and we can charge into 2015 with a vengeance!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm the same way! While I revere my rich, skanky XW's family and being with them was much the same as being with my own family, I do not miss my XW for the cheater and liar that she so aptly proven herself to be.

But I still have those Holiday triggers, more especially when I find my self alone during them.

No matter how you look at it, one's family is truly a God-given gift!


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

TooNice,
I too shared over 20 years of traditions with my STBXW's family essentially neglecting my side. It's a tough pill to swallow and is one of my biggest regrets now. Sometimes life does suck.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

You will get through this.
I promise.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi, Gonna!

I know it sucks so hard, but try to enjoy it as best you can with your children. Make a nice meal, watch a movie and do something interactive (have them help you cook or make crafts or desserts).

I remember my first Christmas post-separation. I thought I was going to die. It was awful. From the other side though, I can tell you, it does and will get better.

Feel your feelings and try to smile throughout the day as an example for your kids. 

Merry Christmas. You will be ok. Promise.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

No one here is alone, that's one thing I do know. As much as we may feel it today and tomorrow, we have to remember that we're not alone.

It sucks right now.

But I believe everyone here who says it will get better. I know it will.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Well, hopefully I have a plan for tomorrow. I have been wanting to ask a friend of mine, just a friend and no intentions of it being anything more than that as I am not ready to date, to go to the movies with me all week. She posted a post on Facebook asking if any of her friends wanted to go to the movies tomorrow. She has been divorced for several years and so I felt like maybe she would understand a little my not wanting to be alone, even if she is not sentimental like me. I asked if I could tag along, hopefully she will say yes. I really hate going to see a movie by myself. And my options are to go with her or stay home and get completely plastered ( I do not drink so that would be like a 12 pack at most).

She texted back that I could of course come along.  So I am going to the movies tomorrow. It feels so good to know that I am not going to be alone on Christmas day. I know for some who are not sentimental or romantic that does not make a lot of sense. But it feels better than I can describe.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm so glad to hear that. 

I actually just went to a movie by myself today. I could not sit in my house alone for another minute. I'm glad I did. I feel a little better. My ex and the kids will be here for dinner in a little while. I feel a little more in control now.

Enjoy your time with your friend tomorrow!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas today. Hugs and peace.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

Today is hard for me but still better than the 1st and 2nd year. My children are next door having Christmas dinner with their Dad, his skank, my Ex-MIL and my Ex-BIL's and SIL's and all the cousins. I am sitting alone pondering whether to eat a Hot Pocket or a bag of chips. These are the times that divorce really sucks!


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

[email protected]#[email protected]#[email protected]#[email protected]#[email protected]$#[email protected]#$ I am so mad right now I cannot see straight. She was SUPPOSED to have kids back tomorrow so that I could have Christmas with them. Bad enough I knew she would not be back till late because her lazy @ss would not be able to get up and move in the morning (after 21 years I know that she will not leave before noon. And that was with me pushing her to leave so without me there is no way she will get moving tomorrow). I was supposed to have kids this weekend for my second weekend of the month but let her have them tonight because I am a sucker. So now she texts that she wants me to wait to pick them up Sunday at 9 AM, right before church. Girls have somewhere to be Sunday night so I get to be bad guy and make them miss it or else do not get a Christmas with them. I @[email protected]#[email protected]#$ went off in a text that she is denying me visitation and that we will let court settle it. I am at the point I [email protected]#[email protected]$#[email protected] hate her!!!!

Sorry about the rant, but had to get it out!!!!!


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

I feel miserable. I texted my friend who I went to the movies with. Just needed someone to talk to, maybe someone who would understand. She does not want to be dragged into a fight between my wife and I , does not want to look like there is anything more than friendship. I so understand, there is nothing more there because I am not ready for anything more than a friend. And I feel miserable about putting her in that position. I suck!!! All I want is to spend time with my children. Why do I have to !#[email protected]$ up every relationship I have with someone of the xx chromosome set!!!!!


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