# I just don't much like her anymore...



## Jack_Sprat (Aug 6, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for over 10 years and are in our early 30's. We have one brilliant healthy and very active 3-year old son who we both love very much. I've posted before about how my wife nearly doubled in size during our 10-year marriage from 130 to 230lbs. She cannot / will not lose more than a few pounds before putting right back on, and following our last tearfull discussion on the subject, this is precisely what happened. This is a serious problem for me, judge me to be shallow if you wish, but it is a serious problem that spills over into nearly every aspect of our marriage from my perspective. She doesn't even physically fit in my car properly. I don't find her attractive, and we are both generally in a perpetual state of sexual frustration. I have never cheated on her, not even close, but I have begun to fantisize about it. Usually when she can't handle something (like opening a jar of pickles, for instance), I just do it for her, but this is something I apparently can't do for her, though I've tried to figure out a way to. I have offered to go on a diet with her, and offer to eat no more than she eats, but she absolutely refuses to take me up on this offer, presumably, because she knows I can and will starve myself to the point of malnutrition in order to slim her up given the opportunity.

What is a respectable man to do when every time I see or think about my wife, all I can focus on is her faults? As much as I craved her company when we were dating and early in our marriage, I now crave being away from her. Don't get me wrong, she is not a bad woman. She loves and cares well for our child, does 70+% of the housework, and is really a supportive good sport when I want to take on some crazy challenge (I build and race cars as a hobby, among other expensive and irrational things to do for fun). But I just can't seem to get my head back into that space where she was young and hot and could do no wrong. Now all I can see is an overweight woman with no self control, no grace, no real talent at much of anything to speak of. Rereading what I've typed, it sounds so terrible, but this is really how my conscious feels. I just can't seem to like her anymore. The problem really is more with me than her. I mean, she really is mostly same woman I married, she's just not sexually attractive to me anymore, and as such all I can seem to focus on is the negative. I am not an alcoholic, but I have noticed that I seem to like her more when I drink, and as such I drink more than I should.

I have a child I love very much. I have a beautiful house I would hate to lose. Practically all our close friends are mutual. I feel like divorcing her essentially because she is too fat is morally reprehesible. I feel like inventing other reasons when they aren't the root cause is even worse. What is a respectable man to do?

Frustrated.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Your first post was about 6 weeks ago, and she read the thread you left opened on the computer? What's changed since then?
Obviously, she hasn't lost 100 pounds in the past 6 weeks, but she now knows how you feel about her weight.

Has she said anything about it? Has she gone to a doctor and had a complete checkup? Is she still mad about it \ hurt?

Even if you were able to magically find the reason (medical or drugs that helped her lose weight) a couple of things to consider:

it will take a long time lose 100 pounds.

Her body might not ever look the same. Baby + lots of fat gain \ loss = excess skin that might not look "great".
(some people's skin tighten up... some don't)

And yeah, if you are drinking more than you should and talking again about having an affair... are you already?? Is that what you want to tell your friends instead of the truth? 

You've already "told" her you don't like how she looks. (She read it on the computer) so why not be honest with everyone else?

What's really going on? Hmm.


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## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

We are sort of in a similar situation except I'm the wife. What motivated me to finally lose weight was reading a thread awhile back about how the husband wasn't attracted to his wife anymore due to her weight gain. 

I know my husband loves me no matter what size I am however I was so heavy that I no longer loved myself. 

What really helped me lose weight is MFP and TLS. I'm thrilled to say that I'm in the 130s now and getting closer to the 120s lbs. I haven't been this low since high school. Now I'm in the best shape of my life. 

Feel free to message me if you need advice on losing weight. 

Good luck to you and your wife


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Moiraine said:


> We are sort of in a similar situation except I'm the wife. What motivated me to finally lose weight was reading a thread awhile back about how the husband wasn't attracted to his wife anymore due to her weight gain.
> 
> I know my husband loves me no matter what size I am however I was so heavy that I no longer loved myself.
> 
> ...


Can you tell us what MLP and TLS are? I'm curious in getting those books.


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## Jack_Sprat (Aug 6, 2012)

Dreald said:


> Can you tell us what MLP and TLS are? I'm curious in getting those books.


Yes, same here.

Since the previous post she has had a hormone test, which I don't really know how to interpret the results of. She attempted to start losing weight and in the first 3 weeks took off about 8 pounds, then put it back on in one week. 

I want to be encouraging, but saying 'yay honey, I'm so proud of you for losing 5 pounds!' seems a tad silly (but I do it anyway). Seems a bit like throwing a party for myself because I jogged to the end of the block when I'm training for a marathon.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Jack_Sprat said:


> Since the previous post she has had a hormone test, which I don't really know how to interpret the results of. She attempted to start losing weight and in the first 3 weeks took off about 8 pounds, then put it back on in one week.


She put on 8 pounds in one week! Holy cow Batman, what was she eating?!

Not sure if you've read Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay, but it's a good book and there's actually a case study of couple where one got too fat for the other one to fancy anymore. You might want to take a look.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I gained 30 pounds in a couple months due to hormonal issues from a 7 pound tumor that was growing on my ovary.

Ovary and tumor were removed....30 pounds still here  

However, I just lost weight this week  Only 27 more pounds to go. :woohoo: 

Maybe your wife has some medical things going on?


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## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

Since people want to know about my weight loss. I'll post it here.

What I do is not a diet or a quick fix. It's a lifestyle change that I've stuck to for 9 month now.

MFP stands for Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com This is an amazing website. You enter some basic information about yourself, then it usually puts people at a calorie deficit depending on how much weight you want to lose. So then you log your food calories everyday. The system is set up so that if you exercise, you can eat back your exercise calories. This really motivated me to exercise so that I can eat more food. 

I lost about 17 lbs doing this, then everything stopped. I hit a 3 month plateau  It was a really frustrating time for me because no matter what I did, I wasn't losing any weight. Then I was introduced to TLS. It's basically a weight loss supplement system that needs to be incorporated to a good exercise and diet plan.

The system contains 3 supplements.

1. One supplement helps inhibit carbohydrate and fat absorption. This makes it so your diet doesn't have to be so strict. You can still eat good food and lose weight.
2. Second supplement specifically targets your visceral/abdominal fat and helps to build lean muscle. It actually takes the fat out of your fat cells and convert it to energy to be used by your muscle. I've noticed my waist shrinking more taking this and definitely noticed increase in muscle definition.
3. Third supplement is thermogenesis. This means that it makes your fat cells burn extra calories to generate heat. This increases your metabolism so you are burning calories even if you don't do anything. If you exercise, you'll end up burning double the calories.

Most people get to where they want to go with using the supplement for 3 month. I'm on my 1st month of usage. I've lost an additional 6 lbs using the supplement. I now lose about 1lb/week which is awesome for me considering I'm actually in the healthy weight range now per my BMI. So I'm super happy about that 

I hope this will help you. Good luck


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well...the now ex husband that I am grieving so hard over losing, weighed just under 400 lbs. (he is 6'5") And I was so attracted to him, so sexually excited by him! BUT...he was like that when we we met/reunited. I was never in my life attracted to a fat man before. So I am wondering if your feelings toward your wife are more about the feeling that she got this way because she let herself go and that tells you that she doesnt care enough about you to take care of herself, or to have the motivation to stay desirable to you. Or is it possible she let this happen because you were distant from her? What kinds of things do you say to her about it? Maybe getting mean and saying you are leaving if things dont change will motivate her to help herself. Get some counseling together, there is probably a lot more to this than it seems. Best of luck to you.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I firmly believe that people should try to remain physically attractive to their spouse after marriage and getting comfortable or having children is no excuse to become a total schlep. That being said, someone who gains that much weight usually has something more than a like for food or lack of impulse control going on.

If medical reasons (thyroid issues, PCOS, etc.) are ruled out, I think you both need to look at emotional and psychological issues that could be driving her to use food as a comfort source or a cure for boredom. 

How is her life outside of the home/marriage? Does she have other interests, friends, hobbies, a job, accomplishments? Do you allow her time and space to pursue those or is she locked into child-rearing and cleaning the house and letting you have time to pursue your hobbies? If she doesn't have a lot going on outside of the home, then boredom can contribute to her impulse to over-eat.

How about your relationship together outside of the physical? Would you want to be married to you if you were your wife? It could be that she overeats because her emotional needs aren't being met inside the marriage. It could also be that she retains the weight because on an unconscious level, she resents you for wanting a sexy wife when you don't meet those needs. I don't know you, I'm not saying this is it but it could be a possibility.

As you describe her (outside of her weight issue), she doesn't sound bad at all. You've mentioned you both have the same friends so other people seem to like her as a person. You said she does most of the housekeeping, child-rearing and gives you ample freedom, which you seem to enjoy and value etc. but I'm wondering if the things that are important to her in marriage are being met by you in return?

Outside of that, does she suffer from depression? Does she have unfinished emotional baggage etc. from the past/before marriage? Is she someone who tends to stuff her emotions instead of letting them out and confronting issues? A lot of overweight people tend to use food to self-medicate and comfort themselves instead of dealing with the issues at hand. 

Just some thoughts...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jack,
Does she drink soda? If so, that single aspect of her diet could be a big factor.




Jack_Sprat said:


> Yes, same here.
> 
> Since the previous post she has had a hormone test, which I don't really know how to interpret the results of. She attempted to start losing weight and in the first 3 weeks took off about 8 pounds, then put it back on in one week.
> 
> I want to be encouraging, but saying 'yay honey, I'm so proud of you for losing 5 pounds!' seems a tad silly (but I do it anyway). Seems a bit like throwing a party for myself because I jogged to the end of the block when I'm training for a marathon.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

[Weight gain/loss can be about lot more than just the amount of food one eats. There are people who really do not eat that much but whose bodies do not release the stored fat and even pile more on due to insulin resistance. 

Some studies I’ve read show that fat, especially fat around the middle actually put out hormones that help to keep the fat. 

I would not be surprised if there was a huge emotional issue with your wife. There is little doubt that your attitude towards her comes across loud and clear. You don’t have to tell her directly. Everything you do in interacting with her most likely shows it. Like someone said, she could be subconsciously maintaining the weight as a passive aggressive way to stand up to your negativity. Why would she want you to touch her when you have such deep distain for her? 

So which came first? Most likely the things that made her depressed and made her feel worthless.


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

Jack_Sprat, 

This is my first post on TAB - so be gentle.

I feel your pain - honestly. I can tell even from written words on a screen that you're torn about this, and I'm encouraged by your honesty. 

I am in a similar situation. My wife has had two children, who are now 4 and 5. Of course she gained weight during the pregnancy, who wouldn't. But now they're four and five (almost five and six) and at some point, she'd want to get healthy again, right? She does. She's said so herself, but she doesn't have the interest in losing it right now.

Unlike you, I was not able to keep the moral high ground. I was unfaithful to my wife about 4 years ago. No excuses. I made the choice and deserved to suffer whatever consequences that came with. 

I admitted it to her, confessed everything, and we worked through it. So kudos and congrats to you on having the self-control to write instead of act out.

I am trying to put myself on a journey of self-improvement in many areas of my life. That includes this topic of weight gain.

I promised to love this woman for better or worse, and unfortunately, "worse" may mean fatter in some cases. If she gets to the point where she is truly unhealthy, I will speak with her, but 
aside from that, I am trying to focus on making her happy and making myself happy.

I struggle with the concept of "physical beauty", because it's all so subjective. We are so programmed to view beauty as what we see on the screen, in the movies, in the magazines, etc. 

Sure I miss the size my wife was. I miss being able to pick her up and carry her (and other things), but she's still beautiful and I need to find a way past my hangup with weight, and love her for who she is - my wife, the person who forgave me, who agreed to marry me, who grew my children inside her and who helps me take care of them.

Yes, it's shallow to consider divorce for beauty and weight - but I understand because I am the same way. I am not playing off ANY of this topic in any way, but there is also a certain biological impact that we come in contact with as human beings. We are attracted to beauty, we "fall in love" with beauty, and when that beauty fades, we look for beauty. 

One of the things that helps me, is that if I were to go looking for someone else, eventually I would encounter the same scenario - children or not. Beauty doesn't last forever in anyone.

You (like me) have to find a way to move past your preoccupation with physical attraction and find the real meaning in your wife.

But it can be done. Don't give up.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This discussion is nearly 3 years old. Feel free to open your own thread instead of bumping a long dead thread.


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