# my wife walked out



## jkdood

Years ago my wife made my dad and me promise not to have one of his traditional insane parties before our wedding. Years later we are 2-3 months from our agency having a baby for us. My wife found out a couple of days ago about one of the activities I did with one of the guests at the sick party my dad threw for me at my brother's house when she was out of town moving. We just decided not to mention it to her because it didn't hurt anyone and it didn't change anything. When she heard it she got quiet a minute and just walked out of the house. She finally emailed me saying she wants to see if she can adopt the baby herself because she doesn't want my family involved with the baby especially my dad. That is ridiculous. My dad is a great guy who even offered to walk her down the aisle and he can't wait to meet his first granddaughter. My brothers sons love her and can't wait to have a baby girl cousin. I only emailed her back and forth that one time and she says she wants to know everything about the party since all those other people know. I don't think that is going to help anything. I did a lot of stuff and it was a long time ago at my party before we were married and we were different people. I can't believe she is doing this with a baby coming in a few months. Will someone explain this to me?


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## 12345Person

She wants to know what happened at the party.

Tell her.


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## NeverMore

jkdood said:


> Years ago my wife made my dad and me promise not to have one of his traditional insane parties before our wedding. Years later we are 2-3 months from our agency having a baby for us. My wife found out a couple of days ago about one of the activities I did with one of the guests at the sick party my dad threw for me at my brother's house when she was out of town moving. We just decided not to mention it to her because it didn't hurt anyone and it didn't change anything. When she heard it she got quiet a minute and just walked out of the house. She finally emailed me saying she wants to see if she can adopt the baby herself because she doesn't want my family involved with the baby especially my dad. That is ridiculous. My dad is a great guy who even offered to walk her down the aisle and he can't wait to meet his first granddaughter. My brothers sons love her and can't wait to have a baby girl cousin. I only emailed her back and forth that one time and she says she wants to know everything about the party since all those other people know. I don't think that is going to help anything. I did a lot of stuff and it was a long time ago at my party before we were married and we were different people. I can't believe she is doing this with a baby coming in a few months. *Will someone explain this to me?*


Simple. You lied to her. You broke her trust in you. Doesn't matter how long ago it was. She no longer wants you because she doesn't trust you.


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## lifeistooshort

I assume if she f$cked someone else before your wedding you'd be ok with that? Grow up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jkdood

This happened years ago and it was only a BP. Even my mom was ok with the party. My dad throws them for all of us and they are crazy. I thought of my party like girls dream of their wedding. And my junk didn't go into any of their junk. It just is over reaction. The responses here are reactionary. I want a guys opinion. What is going to get her back home?


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## TiggyBlue

You're mom/dad/brother aren't the ones who married you so really what their opinion of what you did is irrelevant to your wife and marriage. If it's something that your wife would have cancelled the wedding for she is probably pissed she got duped into a marriage with you.


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## 12345Person

If nothing bad happened at the party, then why are you hesitant to tell her?

If it is nothing serious, then tell her, so she can be relieved. If it is serious, then tell her, so she can choose what to do with the information.

You're being stubborn for no reason if nothing bad happened.


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## NeverMore

jkdood said:


> This happened years ago and it was only a BP. Even my mom was ok with the party. My dad throws them for all of us and they are crazy. I thought of my party like girls dream of their wedding. *And my junk didn't go into any of their junk. It just is over reaction. *The responses here are reactionary. I want a guys opinion. What is going to get her back home?


Then what did happen then ?? Simply because your definition of cheating isn't until you bump uglies, doesn't mean it's the same for your wife. Clearly she wasn't ok with this party in the first place and you held back what happened(lied) so , what? you want her to be ok with this?? Well... ok then


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## jkdood

I didn't do anything wrong and have no problems telling her but she will probably go ballistic and over react. I did guy stuff. I did a lap dance plus an activity with all 4 of the girls there. I don't mind telling you. My brothers wives were ok with the same type of party. And it was so long ago its just a memory.


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## theroad

jkdood said:


> This happened years ago and it was only a BP. Even my mom was ok with the party. My dad throws them for all of us and they are crazy. I thought of my party like girls dream of their wedding. And my junk didn't go into any of their junk. It just is over reaction. The responses here are reactionary. I want a guys opinion. What is going to get her back home?


I do not know what a BP is. Though you were told to not have a wild party and cheat.

Then you go party and cheat.

Then you act surprised that you are now in trouble.


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## NeverMore

jkdood said:


> I didn't do anything wrong and have no problems telling her but she will probably go ballistic and over react. I did guy stuff. I did a lap dance *plus an activity with all 4 of the girls there*. I don't mind telling you. My brothers wives were ok with the same type of party. And it was so long ago its just a memory.


 What was the "activity" ?


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## 12345Person

jkdood said:


> I didn't do anything wrong and have no problems telling her but she will probably go ballistic and over react. I did guy stuff. I did a lap dance plus an activity with all 4 of the girls there. I don't mind telling you. My brothers wives were ok with the same type of party. And it was so long ago its just a memory.


What happened with the 4 girls?!


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## jkdood

BP=bachelor party. I didn't cheat. I fed the kitty, licked the whip cream bikini (my own dad sprayed on the whip cream) I don't remember what it is called but my brother put a $50 on my face and the girl sat on it and picked it up with her mound, then a private room dance. Crazy guy stuff but not cheating.


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## jkdood

Besides I am done rehashing this. We have a baby coming in 2-3 months and she isn't living with me. I got to get her to stop this and come home.


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## NeverMore

jkdood said:


> BP=bachelor party. I didn't cheat. I fed the kitty, licked the whip cream bikini (my own dad sprayed on the whip cream) I don't remember what it is called but my brother put a $50 on my face and the girl sat on it and picked it up with her mound, then a private room dance. *Crazy guy stuff but not cheating.*


 According to you. Clearly your wife disagrees. Which you knew so you didn't tell her.


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## TiggyBlue

Maybe to you it's not defined as cheating but to your wife it sounds like it is (which you most likely know since you kept the activities from her).


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## 12345Person

jkdood said:


> BP=bachelor party. I didn't cheat. I fed the kitty, licked the whip cream bikini (my own dad sprayed on the whip cream) I don't remember what it is called but my brother put a $50 on my face and the girl sat on it and picked it up with her mound, then a private room dance. Crazy guy stuff but not cheating.


She sat on your face? 

And I suspect the private dance was all innocent?


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## 12345Person

Tell your wife what happened, and let her decide.


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## jkdood

*My wife left*

Years ago my wife made my dad and me promise not to have one of his traditional insane parties before our wedding. Years later we are 2-3 months from our agency having a baby for us. My wife found out a couple of days ago about one of the activities I did with one of the guests at the sick party my dad threw for me at my brother's house when she was out of town moving. We just decided not to mention it to her because it didn't hurt anyone and it didn't change anything. When she heard it she got quiet a minute and just walked out of the house. She finally emailed me saying she wants to see if she can adopt the baby herself because she doesn't want my family involved with the baby especially my dad. That is ridiculous. My dad is a great guy who even offered to walk her down the aisle and he can't wait to meet his first granddaughter. My brothers sons love her and can't wait to have a baby girl cousin. I only emailed her back and forth that one time and she says she wants to know everything about the party since all those other people know. I don't think that is going to help anything. I did a lot of stuff and it was a long time ago at my party before we were married and we were different people. I can't believe she is doing this with a baby coming in a few months. Will someone explain this to me?


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## FormerSelf

The issues is that you broke a promise. And to a woman ready to start a family, trust is FOUNDATIONAL. Doesn't matter how long ago it was or that it happened before you were married. If you want to fix this, you better start changing your script and perspective..and that starts with being very aware that this is about breaking a promise...as she KNEW that she wouldn't be able to cope with crazy BP shenanigans...and asked you to honor her in that way. You dishonored her and broke a promise...and lied all this time about it. Once you start reflecting on this and relaying some personal honesty and responsibility, she may start actually listen...but if you try to minimize it or tell her she's the crazy one...good luck with that.


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## texasoutlaw82

*Re: My wife left*

I don't know what her motives are behind her leaving.

I do think she, like any other man or woman, deserves to hear the truth even if you think it won't or shouldn't affect the current situation.


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## Sandfly

*Re: My wife left*

I don't know if you are aware, but your other thread called "my wife walked out" is getting quite a few responses.

You've posted the exact same question on that thread.

Do you want to delete this one? Just a suggestion.


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## jkdood

*Re: My wife left*

I guess I will tell her but she will not like it. On another forum here they said she left because I said that we wouldn't have the bachelor party but did. It was years ago and doesn't change anything.


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## JustHer

jkdood said:


> BP=bachelor party. I didn't cheat. I fed the kitty, licked the whip cream bikini (my own dad sprayed on the whip cream) I don't remember what it is called but my brother put a $50 on my face and the girl sat on it and picked it up with her mound, then a private room dance. Crazy guy stuff but not cheating.


1. She asked you not to have - go to - partake of, a party like this. Obviously she had issues with you being in a situation like this, with girls like that. Who cares that it was OK with your parents, it wasn't OK with your bride-to-be.

2. You cheated. Feeding the kitty, licking another woman and having a woman put her ** on your face is sex. It may not be intercourse, but it is sex. You betrayed your wife.

3. You did partake of the party, everyone knew for years - except your wife. You hid this from her, you cheated on her, you lied to her and you had your family cover for you. Your dad may be a nice guy but he has no morals and your attitude shows that yours is amiss too.

4. Years into her marriage your wife finds out that not only are you a liar, you cheated and you are OK with it, even today.

You want to get your wife back - come clean with her and take responsibility. Quit minimizing what you did, it was wrong, wrong, wrong.


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## jkdood

*Re: My wife left*

I will delete the other thread. I need guys responding here to how to deal with it.


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## JustHer

*Re: My wife left*

Your problem is you don't want to hear the truth.


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## Sandfly

*Re: My wife left*

You got 18+ replies on the other one.

If you didn't get the answers you wanted there...

But it's your choice


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## Sandfly

JustHer said:


> 2. You cheated. Feeding the kitty, licking another woman and having a woman put her ** on your face is sex. It may not be intercourse, *but it is sex*. You betrayed your wife.
> .


It isn't, but it is thoroughly dishonest. If it really happened...


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## jkdood

*Re: My wife left*

But none on how to get her back home.


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## jkdood

Formerself thanks man for not giving me a reactionary answer. It was just so long ago and it was about me and not her. But she has to take responsibility for walking out on me and potentially messing up the adoption.


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## jkdood

My dad has morals he raised us and was there for us. and he knows what is important and how to cut loose and have fun. He offered to walk her down the aisle when her own dad didn't even show up.


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## FormerSelf

jkdood...yeah but all those reasons about your dad's upstanding character and your anger with her for walking out...this means nothing. And if you come to her and try to "win" the argument, she isn't going to EVER stop and say, "Oh, now I see the light..you are so right and I was so wrong..." NOPE. If you try to 1 UP her with this little deflective things...she is just going to say, "Nope, he doesn't get it...and can't trust him. Bye." Stop trying to control your public relations...and just start being humble to her about breaking a promise to her. The more you try to prove that you are in the "right", the further you will push her away.

Be honest. Be humble and genuine in how sorry you are...and let her vent her anger, not cutting her off. If you can't handle what she says, then she will see that...and will lose respect for you.

Yeah, it could be too late. This COULD BE the dealbreaker for her...as she asked you to not go wild that night. You have to be willing to face that as a consequence...even though up to this point, everything has been going well. Just apologize say how sorry you are and understand why she is so shattered, give her space, listen to her when SHE is ready to talk...don't try to force to talk. Be at peace and be willing to release her. If you have this attitude, she may be willing to change her mind when she cools off...but she is in the heat of the moment right now...and if you hover over her, that is like putting a lid on a boiler...and BOOM!...so just stay back, be ready to listen, and then talk to her in love.


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## nuclearnightmare

*Re: My wife left*



jkdood said:


> But none on how to get her back home.


This is an anonymous forum. Why don't you just tell us what you did, with whom and whether you were dating your wife or engaged at the time. Give us a clue what you're talking about otherwise tough to offer advice!


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## Sandfly

*Re: My wife left*

NN There are details in the copy-pasted thread "my wife walked out".

You decided to keep both?

Well, so how does he get her back home then?


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## nuclearnightmare

*Re: My wife left*



Sandfly said:


> NN There are details in the copy-pasted thread "my wife walked out".
> 
> You decided to keep both?
> 
> Well, so how does he get her back home then?


Ok thanks. Wow..up so early in the UK, and its Sunday....


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## Starstarfish

How did your wife suddenly find out? Someone just casually mentioned it in front of her? You kept photos of this "sick party" and she found one?

Edited: Okay just re-read she "heard it." So - how did this suddenly come up in conversation years later? Who brought it up and why?


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## AliceA

jkdood said:


> This happened years ago and it was only a BP. Even my mom was ok with the party. My dad throws them for all of us and they are crazy. I thought of my party like girls dream of their wedding. And my junk didn't go into any of their junk. It just is over reaction. The responses here are reactionary. I want a guys opinion. What is going to get her back home?


You shouldn't have made the promise if you intended to break it. Same goes for your father. Your actions may not make you cheaters but they do make you liars. Understanding that you did something wrong would be a good start to reconciliation. If you can't find it in you to admit that you were both in the wrong then how is she supposed to forgive you?

You remind me of an ex who went out to the strippers one night but before he did he called me to say he was going to a concert. I said something like 'cool, have fun' and went back to sleep. Months later it comes up in group convo about them going to a strip club and apparently the whole group lied to their partners so one of them wouldn't get into trouble with his misses who would've freaked. I would've been fine with him going to a strip club, but the fact that he lied to me was hurtful, and childish. He and his mates struggled to understand this concept, thinking I must've been upset he went to see strippers. I couldn't get it through their thick skulls that lying was wrong. What is so hard to understand about that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jkdood

my brothers and wives were at the house when my SIL said they had to go home and feed there kitty- hey just like your BP!


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## AliceA

jkdood said:


> my brothers and wives were at the house when my SIL said they had to go home and feed there kitty- hey just like your BP!


You sound like a troll or a teen, or both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gomerpyle

jkdood said:


> I didn't do anything wrong ...


You are exactly the same guy that lied to her intentionally before marriage, promising not to do something when you were planning on doing it anyway.

Your CURRENT opinion is it's not wrong to intentionally lie about something your wife considers a dealbreaker. So she is correct to leave you now. You are not worthy of trust. You are not going to get her back and she would be foolish to take you back with the attitude you have RIGHT NOW.


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## Sandfly

*Re: My wife left*



nuclearnightmare said:


> Ok thanks. Wow..up so early in the UK, and its Sunday....


I like to be first in line for Church. God notices these little things.

I've got a lot of smiting I want doing, and I want to make a good impression.


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## sh987

I have a friend who puts himself into the blind spot of other drivers all the time, yet is bewildered when he keeps getting cut-off.

---

-Before you were married, you and your father each promised your wife that you wouldn't have a crazy bachelor party. You then turned and did the exact thing you promised you wouldn't do.

-Does it remotely matter if your mother is fine with strippers sitting on your father's face to pick up money? You didn't marry your mother. Other people's boundaries don't matter in your marriage.

-Everything about the party has been lied about to her for years. She doesn't believe that nothing happened during that private dance. Who can blame her?

-Do you obfuscate this much in your discussions with her? It was work for posters here to drag out of you what happened at the party, and I can only hope you didn't do that with her.

-"It was a long time ago." Utter beside the point. She found out NOW, and is feeling hurt and betrayed NOW. 

-In your posts, I see a lot minimizing on your part, and no taking of responsibility. I'm seeing zero empathy on your part towards her feelings. Incredulously, you're flummoxed as to how SHE could do this to YOU.

-If you found out tomorrow that your wife had, despite promises not to have a crazy bachelor party, had done so and had allowed a male stripper to lay his penis across her face and then had gone off for a private dance, would you be ok with that?

-If I were you, I wouldn't go pushing your father's morality on your wife right now. The value of that stock is pitifully low.


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## F-102

Her thinking right now is: "He had a wild BP after I asked him not to. Hmmm... so what ELSE has he done behind my back? What ELSE has he lied about? What ELSE is he going to do?"

I hate to say it, but it may be a long, long time before you get back in her good graces again...

...if ever.


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## jld

Sandfly said:


> It isn't, but it is thoroughly dishonest. If it really happened...


How is what happened not sex?


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## jkdood

I won't obfuscate anything if she wants to hear it, I just don't think she wants to hear it. My mom is a woman who understands guy fun as do my brothers wives. And during the private dance there was no putting my junk in her junk.


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## 12345Person

Your wife is not your mommy.

And she does want to hear it, she wants to know if anything sexual went on.

I'm done giving you advice. You're either trolling or stubborn as a rock, you'll get no support from this forum. Tell her the truth and let her decide.


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## Kylie84

jkdood said:


> I won't obfuscate anything if she wants to hear it, I just don't think she wants to hear it. * My mom is a woman who understands guy fun as do my brothers wives*. And during the private dance there was no putting my junk in her junk.


You're still not getting it. This has NOTHING to do with your mum, your dad your brother, your aunt's pet fish Frankie or ANYONE apart from your wife. You have had a substantial amount of great responses here, you don't seem to be 'listening' to. 
You betrayed her. You need to be honest then work on your grovelling and MAYBE she will forgive you. Yes you have a baby coming soon but stop whining and call her NOW.


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## Kylie84

Anonymous Person said:


> Your wife is not your mommy.
> 
> And she does want to hear it, she wants to know if anything sexual went on.
> 
> I'm done giving you advice. You're either trolling or stubborn as a rock, you'll get no support from this forum. Tell her the truth and let her decide.


 :iagree:
I am thinking probably a troll. But you never know, some people who ask a question will talk right over top of a person trying to give them an answer


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## jkdood

Alright I will email her and tell her. I'll tell her I want her back home too.


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## jkdood

what exactly should I tell her about the private dance, everything? or just that something happened?


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## 12345Person

jkdood said:


> what exactly should I tell her about the private dance, everything? or just that something happened?


Everything.


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## Blondilocks

jkdood said:


> I won't obfuscate anything if she wants to hear it, I just don't think she wants to hear it. *My mom is a woman who understands guy fun as do my brothers wives.* And during the private dance there was no putting my junk in her junk.


Some women don't mind 'guy fun' because they checked out of the marriage a long time ago. Something to think about while you're brainstorming how to guilt your wife into coming back.

Seriously, would you even want a wife who *didn't* care where your mouth and private parts had been?


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## Kylie84

Exactly. And as much as you don't want to tell her, if she says she wants to know then you MUST tell her everything. If she wants every gory detail you are at liberty to tell her, for any chance of her returning will depend on what kind of man you can be now in spite of your mistakes.


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## 6301

jkdood said:


> I won't obfuscate anything if she wants to hear it, I just don't think she wants to hear it. My mom is a woman who understands guy fun as do my brothers wives. And during the private dance there was no putting my junk in her junk.


 OK. It comes down to this. Who gives a rats ass if your whole family understands good clean "Man fun". 

What you can't understand or refuse to understand is it's your wife's feelings. It's your wife who is hurt. It's your wife who feels betrayed because you lied to her. You with me so far?

You think that just because the old man like to grope a strippers ass and your Mom chalks it up as "Man fun" and the rest of the family has a good laugh about it, your wife should go along with it?

I would pay good money to see your face if you found out your wife had a bachleorette party and some male stripper with a big ten inch put whipped cream on his pipe and she cleaned it off with her mouth and a few other thing and you found out about it later on. How would you feel about it? 

Put the shoe on the other foot for a change and think about it, especially when she says, "whats the big deal, my mom says its just good "women fun" and my dad approves".


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## soccermom2three

Just because my husband's mother decides to stay married to an emotionally and mentally abusive man doesn't mean that if my husband ever became emotionally and mentally abusive that I would have to stay married to him. I'm not his mother.

Just because your mom thinks it's okay for her husband and son to lie, cheat and break promises doesn't mean your wife has to think it's okay for you and her FIL to lie, cheat and break promises. Your wife is not your mother.


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## totallywarped

someone please tell me how you "feed the kitty"


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## Gomerpyle

jkdood said:


> what exactly should I tell her about the private dance, everything? or just that something happened?


You tell her that you were in the wrong for making a promise you did not intend to keep. You tell her that her feelings are valid, and that she has every right to be angry. 

Instead of focusing on what it is you want her to do, the focus has to be on you changing your attitude: being a better person and putting your wife before yourself and everyone else on your list.


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## norajane

totallywarped said:


> someone please tell me how you "feed the kitty"


First you need a woman that's not wearing panties...


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## TiggyBlue

norajane said:


> First you need a woman that's not wearing panties...


ahhh I don't think I will ever see money in the same light again


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## norajane

TiggyBlue said:


> ahhh I don't think I will ever see money in the same light again


It's really gross - money is some of the dirtiest, most bacteria ridden stuff around. I worked retail in high school, and wish I could have worn rubber gloves to handle the money considering where people pulled it out of...shoes, sweaty bras, hands they just used to wipe their nose with, ugh.


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## Caribbean Man

jkdood said:


> Years ago my wife made my dad and me promise not to have one of his traditional insane parties before our wedding. Years later we are 2-3 months from our agency having a baby for us. My wife found out a couple of days ago about one of the activities I did with one of the guests at the sick party my dad threw for me at my brother's house when she was out of town moving. We just decided not to mention it to her because it didn't hurt anyone and it didn't change anything.


Fist of all , no relationship could thrive in an environment built on lies and deception , and it doesn't matter whether you're 
" trying to protect " your partners feelings or not.
A " nuanced view " cannot apply ,when lies and deception are involved.

1) You promised her not to have that bachelor party years ago.
2) You broke your promise and lied by omission / hiding the truth.
3) You then decided for her , that the truth wasn't important.

What you are doing now is called " reverse rationalization."
You know that what you did was wrong , but when faced with the 
logical consequences of your actions , you began to rationalize , or justify your past actions , so that they are congruent with present reality.
Therein lies your problem.

Imagine for a moment that you hired a contractor to do a job, agreed to terms and conditions along with job specifications. Halfway through the contract , you found out that the contractor disregarded the agreement ,changed the job specifications , never informed you , and then came to you demanding more money.
How would you feel?

That is why your wife left , not so much because she thought you cheated at the bachelor party , but because she can no longer trust you.
Trust is fundamental to the success of any relationship , whether business or intimate.

As a side note,
It is interesting to see that everyone on this thread was able to identify the OP's problem so quickly. I can't help but think if the genders were reversed , how different the discourse would have been.
The exact, same concept of reverse rationalization is 100% applicable to cases where women lie to their husband about their sexual history.
There is ONE RULE for both genders in relationships.
No relationship can thrive in an environment built on lies and deception. And it doesn't matter whether you're trying to protect your partners feelings or not.
A " nuanced view " cannot apply ,when lies and deception are involved.


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## jkdood

Best you look it up but it involved a lollipop. Some guys do it with $20 bill.


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## sh987

So, OP: have you disclosed all to your wife yet?


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## MrHappy

What Caribbean Man said!

I would just let her know ASAP you are sorry you betrayed her trust. You married her to be the ONE woman for you and would like to repair the damage you've done by talking it out when she can.

Learn about some basic marriage conversing skills. No yelling or a break is immediately needed. No interrupting. etc.

Then you need to wait for her anger and hurt to diminish. I wouldn't go forward on anything big until this is settled. You might have to do this in steps. First step after talking would be to get her moved back home. ALL KINDS of problems can happen while she is gone. I have seen affairs happen when a woman meets old guy friends back in a home city while split up for even a short time.


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## Kylie84

Yes, do tell. Spoken to wifey yet?


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## Cosmos

jkdood said:


> BP=bachelor party. I didn't cheat. I fed the kitty, licked the whip cream bikini (my own dad sprayed on the whip cream) I don't remember what it is called but my brother put a $50 on my face and the girl sat on it and picked it up with her mound, then a private room dance. Crazy guy stuff but not cheating.


You mightn't see this as cheating, but your W obviously does. _Not only did you do things with other women that you wouldn't have done in front of her, _but you did them _knowing_ that they would very likely have been a deal breaker for her. You mightn't have been married to her at the time, but you were in a serious relationship with her and about to be married.

This isn't something your W is likely to forgive or forget, IMO, and in your W's shoes I'd think _very_ long and _very, very_ hard about rearing a child with you or remaining part of a family where lies, deception and poor boundaries are seen as normal.


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## CuddleBug

jkdood said:


> Years ago my wife made my dad and me promise not to have one of his traditional insane parties before our wedding. Years later we are 2-3 months from our agency having a baby for us. My wife found out a couple of days ago about one of the activities I did with one of the guests at the sick party my dad threw for me at my brother's house when she was out of town moving. We just decided not to mention it to her because it didn't hurt anyone and it didn't change anything. When she heard it she got quiet a minute and just walked out of the house. She finally emailed me saying she wants to see if she can adopt the baby herself because she doesn't want my family involved with the baby especially my dad. That is ridiculous. My dad is a great guy who even offered to walk her down the aisle and he can't wait to meet his first granddaughter. My brothers sons love her and can't wait to have a baby girl cousin. I only emailed her back and forth that one time and she says she wants to know everything about the party since all those other people know. I don't think that is going to help anything. I did a lot of stuff and it was a long time ago at my party before we were married and we were different people. I can't believe she is doing this with a baby coming in a few months. Will someone explain this to me?




Speaking as a married hubby, here goes:


You promised to her, not to party hard and especially with your dad. But you did and she found out it happened.....

Now she is angry, and wants to know what happened.

*BP=bachelor party. I didn't cheat. I fed the kitty, licked the whip cream bikini (my own dad sprayed on the whip cream) I don't remember what it is called but my brother put a $50 on my face and the girl sat on it and picked it up with her mound, then a private room dance. Crazy guy stuff but not cheating. *

It's not like you had this wild party with your dad 5+ years before you met her, it was very recent and a no no in her books.

Just tell her what happened but nothing in extreme details.

Some ladies wouldn't see this as a huge deal or deal breaker and some will.

Your wife sounds sensitive like mine and my wifee would of reacted the same way.

*"I would pay good money to see your face if you found out your wife had a bachleorette party and some male stripper with a big ten inch put whipped cream on his pipe and she cleaned it off with her mouth and a few other thing and you found out about it later on. How would you feel about it?

Put the shoe on the other foot for a change and think about it, especially when she says, "whats the big deal, my mom says its just good "women fun" and my dad approves"."*


The way I see it, you didn't have sex with these ladies, or the private lap dance, etc. You didn't cheat on your wife. Get your dad to tell her, my son had fun but did not cheat with these ladies at all. My only worry is she is too sensitive and if she really considers the party cheating, when you didn't, she has insecurity issues.

If my wifee had a wild party, male strippers, 10 inch **** with whipped cream, she cleans it off with her mouth, I honestly wouldn't want to hear about it. But she could easily clean off my **** with whipped cream.

Would I of had a wild bachelor party with 4 hot strippers? Whipped cream on them? Everything short of sex? Knowing the way my wife to be is? Not in a million years!!!

In fact, I remember telling my friends, no strippers or lap dances!!! So they dressed me up in a skirt, coconut bra with make up and paraded me all over town, in the mall, across the main bridge, you name it and got me really good.


----------



## 12345Person

CuddleBug said:


> My only worry is *she is too sensitive* and if she really considers the party cheating, when you didn't, *she has insecurity issues.*


Uh, no, she doesn't. What he did was horrible, and it's NOT "insecurity issues" to not want for hubby to do any of the crap the op did. It's called "boundaries".



CuddleBug said:


> If my wifee had a wild party, male strippers, 10 inch **** with whipped cream, she cleans it off with her mouth, I honestly wouldn't want to hear about it. But she could easily clean off my **** with whipped cream.


That would be cheating, unless you both set those type of boundaries.


----------



## hookares

The more I read these stories where an offense occurred before the wedding, the more I realize that if it bothers either party this much, then the marriage isn't worth saving in the first place.
I would only be concerned with what happens after the marriage should I ever be stupid enough to take the jump. again.


----------



## CuddleBug

This guy had a bachelor party and from his dad. How many dad's are like that today?

He did not have sex with the ladies.

He did things most guys would do at their bachelor party.


His wifee told him, no bachelor party like most guys do and especially from your dad.

He did it anyway and now she found out some time later and is mad.....


I see it as he betrayed her trust but he did not cheat on her (no sex with the lades).

What he did was wrong, true.

So, whether he did the bachelor party, had sex with the ladies or didn't have sex with the ladies, he still cheated? No.

He betrayed her trust because she told him she didn't want him to do that and he still did and with his dad.


She should of told him, no bachelor party, no strippers, no private dances, nothing with your dad, etc. But that sounds like a controlling and insecure wife to me. And they weren't even married yet.


----------



## BrockLanders

OP, is this an isolated incident of you saying one thing and doing another? I know people who do this all the time to avoid conflict. What you should have done is tell your now wife that you were going. You sound like a teenaged boy having a fight with your mom.


----------



## 12345Person

CuddleBug said:


> He did things most guys would do at their bachelor party.


No...:scratchhead:



CuddleBug said:


> She should of told him, no bachelor party, no strippers, no private dances, nothing with your dad, etc. *But that sounds like a controlling and insecure wife to me*. And they weren't even married yet.


He was putting his face in a stripper's ass, feeding money to *****, licking cream off a body, and a private lap dance where he alludes to doing more.

The average woman, or man, would not accept that type of behaviour from their spouse. It's not about "insecurity", it's about not wanting to share your spouse.


----------



## always_alone

CuddleBug said:


> He did not have sex with the ladies.
> 
> He did things most guys would do at their bachelor party.


He totally cheated on her. Maybe not PIV but everything else.

I wouldn't touch a guy who thought this was "normal guy" behaviour with a 10-ft pole. Clearly, he has zero respect for women and cares only about his own gratification.

You really wouldn't be upset with your wife if she was feeling up some guy, licking his man bits, and enjoying sexy dances? 

If so, I think that's a pretty rare attitude. From what I've seen a lot of guys can't even handle that their wives had *past* lovers, let alone sexy parties without the company of their SO.


----------



## sh987

CuddleBug said:


> This guy had a bachelor party and from his dad. How many dad's are like that today?
> 
> He did not have sex with the ladies.
> 
> He did things most guys would do at their bachelor party.
> 
> His wifee told him, no bachelor party like most guys do and especially from your dad.
> 
> He did it anyway and now she found out some time later and is mad.....


I respectfully disagree.

I read his story as her getting jkdood to promise that he wouldn't have the type of bachelor party that his father had already thrown each of his brothers; the type that jkdood had always dreamed of.

It wasn't just a bachelor party with strippers which she objected to, but that she knew exactly what Dear Old Dad would get going at one he was throwing.




> I see it as he betrayed her trust but he did not cheat on her (no sex with the lades).
> 
> What he did was wrong, true.
> 
> So, whether he did the bachelor party, had sex with the ladies or didn't have sex with the ladies, he still cheated? No.
> 
> He betrayed her trust because she told him she didn't want him to do that and he still did and with his dad.


Mrs. jkdood is the one who decides her boundaries for the marriage. I have no way of knowing for sure, but guess that most women would find the activities of jkdood's party as being cheating. 

I know I would if the shoe were on the other foot.



> She should of told him, no bachelor party, no strippers, no private dances, nothing with your dad, etc. But that sounds like a controlling and insecure wife to me. And they weren't even married yet.


She did tell him that. She knew exactly the types of bachelor party jkdood's Dad wanted to throw for him, made him promise he wouldn't do it, and now has found out that it's what happened anyway.

You have your own boundaries and they're great for you. For my part, I don't consider myself controlling even though I wouldn't want a male stripper's penis in her face.

I'm funny that way.


----------



## Philat

jkdood said:


> This happened years ago and it was only a BP. Even my mom was ok with the party. My dad throws them for all of us and they are crazy. I thought of my party like girls dream of their wedding. And my junk didn't go into any of their junk. It just is over reaction. The responses here are reactionary. I want a guys opinion. *What is going to get her back home?*


Truth. Remorse. Acknowledgment of what she is feeling (complete lack of trust in your word). And no more rationalizing Bu!!sh!t.


----------



## CuddleBug

This meant a lot to him, his wife knew this, with his dad, and she could of talked with the dad and said, keep the bachelor party clean!!! 

Did she say anything to the dad beforehand?? 

He's the one that planned the bachelor party and not her hubby.

He didn't have an Emotional Affair EA, or a Physical Affair PA. 

He had an inappropriate bachelor party from his dad that I'm sure he's sorry for at this point and will never do it again, right???

I think he's learned his lesson and so has his dad.

And wasn't this years ago and not last week?

Since that bachelor party, which was years ago, has he been faithful and never partied like that again? Was it only a one time thing?


----------



## 12345Person

CuddleBug said:


> This meant a lot to him, his wife knew this, with his dad, and she could of talked with the dad and said, keep the bachelor party clean!!!
> 
> Did she say anything to the dad beforehand??
> 
> He's the one that planned the bachelor party and not her hubby.
> 
> He didn't have an Emotional Affair EA, or a Physical Affair PA.
> 
> He had an inappropriate bachelor party from his dad that I'm sure he's sorry for at this point and will never do it again, right???
> 
> I think he's learned his lesson and so has his dad.
> 
> And wasn't this years ago and not last week?
> 
> Since that bachelor party, which was years ago, has he been faithful and never partied like that again? Was it only a one time thing?


So, she's supposed to be his mommy? 

Would you really be okay if your wife was sucking on a stripper? Because that's not how the average people feels.

Frankly, the idea that any woman should feel this type of behaviour is normal is detestable to me. Ugh.


----------



## CuddleBug

Anonymous Person said:


> So, she's supposed to be his mommy?
> 
> Would you really be okay if your wife was sucking on a stripper? Because that's not how the average people feels.
> 
> Frankly, the idea that any woman should feel this type of behaviour is normal is detestable to me. Ugh.



No, not his mommy but if it was that important to her, that critical, she should of casually chatted with his dad and told him, keep the bachelor party cleaner, but instead she said nothing.

This guy might need a woman to guide him more than other men?

Myself, I have never done that stripper sucking, grinding thing. Yes the ladies are hot but I'm not the type of guy to have just sex. I need that connection and love. So I couldn't do it.

He obviously could and his wife knew he was like this and that his dad threw parties like that.

I would say, its as much his responsibility as hers because she knew what his dad was all about.

And this happened years ago. She shouldn't be holding this over his head at this point. They are married with a baby, focus on that and not what he did with his dad years ago.


----------



## coffee4me

jkdood said:


> Years ago my wife made my dad and me promise not to have one of his traditional insane parties before our wedding.


Seems the OP's wife established her boundary with the OP AND HIs Father beforehand. If she received a PROMISE from the OP and his father.


----------



## MattMatt

OP, you might need to consider this: Perhaps you and your family are abnormal?

And why would a normal person wish to be involved with a family that organises and participates in, as you describe them, 'sick' events?


----------



## 6301

Maybe it's just me but my dad would have never held a bachelor party for me, let alone having strippers and all the stuff that goes with it.

This guys dad sounds like the kind of dad who slaps the kid on the back and is a proud as a pea**** when he find out his boy gets laid and then asks for details. Probably told the kid to make a video of his honeymoon "Har har har. Way to go kid. That's my boy!!


----------



## frusdil

6301 said:


> Maybe it's just me but my dad would have never held a bachelor party for me, let alone having strippers and all the stuff that goes with it.
> 
> This guys dad sounds like the kind of dad who slaps the kid on the back and is a proud as a pea**** when he find out his boy gets laid and then asks for details. Probably told the kid to make a video of his honeymoon "Har har har. Way to go kid. That's my boy!!


:iagree: He sounds like a filthy old letch.

What you did was disgusting OP, and I bet your wife is upset, because had she known about this before the wedding, the wedding would never had happened.

I sure as hell wouldn't have married my hubby had he done what you did.


----------



## LoveLonely

I am a guy. Turn the tables. I have no interest in being in a relationship with a woman who licks whip cream off of 4 guys and pulls money out of their underwear with her teeth. I can only think of three things worse than something so horrible as being stuck with a woman like that.

1. Finding out it was my FRICKING WIFE at a bachelorette party AFTER the fact, and a baby is on the way!

2. Finding out her MOTHER was in on it.

3. Her being clueless as to what the problem is.

Jesus.


----------



## MattMatt

> licked the whip cream bikini (my own dad sprayed on the whip cream)


----------



## CuddleBug

Maybe his Dad never grew up?

Come to think of it, my parents and all my relatives have never done something like that either.

Since she talked to her hubby and his dad years ago, they obviously needed a strong reminder when they were getting close to the wedding.

Either they did it on purpose to disrespect her and didn't care or they didn't see it as a big deal because that's the way they've always been and probably forgot.

I would say you're sorry and that you haven't done anything like this since then. Be honest with her.


----------



## sinnister

I dont know if OP cares about the answers here or not given that he pretty much is ignoring everything he doesn't want to here.

What gets me is the moral high horse a lot of you people are preaching here. You all have skeletons. Stop pretending you are all so righteous. Damn..sometimes forums are just...tooo much.


----------



## CuddleBug

sinnister said:


> I dont know if OP cares about the answers here or not given that he pretty much is ignoring everything he doesn't want to here.
> 
> What gets me is the moral high horse a lot of you people are preaching here. You all have skeletons. Stop pretending you are all so righteous. Damn..sometimes forums are just...tooo much.



We all make mistakes, agreed.


----------



## jkdood

I mean sick as in crazy, wild, and fun.


----------



## jkdood

I have done things like this since. I emailed her and told her everything.


----------



## coffee4me

jkdood said:


> I have done things like this since. I emailed her and told her everything.


If you have " done things like this" after you were married was your wife ok with the "things" you have done while married to her?


----------



## jkdood

I never told her. She wouldn't be ok. I just never brought it up. I'm trying to see from her point of view she wouldn't like it. But I agree about her being insecure. I wouldn't care if she had a stripper. But she isn't cool with them. She is feeling betrayed.


----------



## coffee4me

jkdood said:


> I never told her. She wouldn't be ok. I just never brought it up. I'm trying to see from her point of view she wouldn't like it. But I agree about her being insecure. I wouldn't care if she had a stripper. But she isn't cool with them. She is feeling betrayed.


If you are sincerely trying to see it from her point if view then I suggest that you not pin this on her being insecure. Just because a woman does not want her husband to have strippers rub themselves all over him does not make her insecure. Actually could be quite the opposite she is absolutely secure in knowing what she will and will not tolerate. 

She feels betrayed and you don't quite get that because to you it's no big deal. She feels betrayed because just days before you were to declare her your one and only you had your mouth on numerous strippers privates. You were supposed to love her enough to respect her feelings about that and uphold your promise to her. That's the way she sees it. 

You are not the man she thought she married. This knowledge changes her perception of you and she is deciding if it has changed it enough to end the marriage. She did not think she married someone who valued cheap sexual thrill over her. 

You have to factor in all that when thinking about trying to win her back. Can you give her lots of examples of instances where you valued her more than yourself?


----------



## Cosmos

jkdood said:


> I never told her. She wouldn't be ok. I just never brought it up. I'm trying to see from her point of view she wouldn't like it. *But I agree about her being insecure. * I wouldn't care if she had a stripper. But she isn't cool with them. She is feeling betrayed.


Lack of trust breeds insecurity in most human beings. This isn't about her being _fundamentally _insecure, it's about you being untrustworthy.


----------



## Kylie84

Cosmos said:


> Lack of trust breeds insecurity in most human beings. This isn't about her being _fundamentally _insecure, it's about you being untrustworthy.


:iagree:
And for the person who was saying that we are being righteous, the OP wanted suggestions on how to get his wife back. Of course no one is perfect we have all made mistakes in our lifetimes I'm sure. We are merely trying to get OP to see what he did was the wrong thing to do (he seems to be turning a convenient blind eye to that) so he can empathize with his poor wife. If she can see he is genuinely remorseful and is honest about his actions he will have more of a chance to win her back


----------



## pinkslippers

OK, so, I'm a size 10 in jeans. I have split ends in my hair if I don't get it cut regularly. Sometimes I get a pimple. My spine is a little misshapen because I've had many back surgeries. I have stretch marks because I've had three children.
However, Imma put on a pair of jeans and rock them things like NOBODY'S business. I'm doing my make-up, painting my nails, looking fabulous wherever I go. I am secure in who I am and how I look-you don't like it? Don't look at me, deuces! 

With that said, I do not want my husband touching on some girl who has probably had other men's face in her va-jay-jay 30 minutes prior-that's just gross. I don't want my husband licking his lips after licking whipped cream off said va-jay-jay. I don't want my husband looking at some naked girl the same way he looks at me naked. Why? Because I don't do that to him. I'd never lick anything off of any other guy's member because I'm married and it's disrespectful to the marriage...to MY marriage. I don't want a half-naked g-string all up in my face. I'm married. 

Regardless of whatever "insecurities" your wife may or may not have, regardless if this was a "normal" family thing, she feels disrespected. She specifically said "NO party" and you not only had a party, but you put your face in another va-jay-jay. She feels betrayed because you lied and did something behind her back. She feels disrespected because you lied and did something behind her back. And, honestly, she may even be wondering if you liked the other va-jay-jay better. Was it prettier? Was it shaved nicely? Did it have a pleasant odor? These are things that some women think about-it doesn't have to make sense to you-it just is.

If you love her and want her back, reassure her. Don't talk about her insecurities. Tell her she's amazing and gorgeous and you messed up and you'll never do it again. You'll never attend another party, you'll never stick your face in the hello kitty again, and you are willing to grovel at her feet forever.....unless of course you aren't, then just wish her well and let her go. 
Good luck.


----------



## tulsy

jkdood said:


> *I have done things like this since.* I emailed her and told her everything.





coffee4me said:


> If you have " done things like this" after you were married was your wife ok with the "things" you have done while married to her?





jkdood said:


> *I never told her. She wouldn't be ok. * I just never brought it up. I'm trying to see from her point of view she wouldn't like it. But I agree about her being insecure. I wouldn't care if she had a stripper. But she isn't cool with them. *She is feeling betrayed*.


So you lied by omission. Ya, of course she's feeling betrayed....you have betrayed over and over again. 

She probably feels sick to her stomach right now over you and your family. I know I do.

The worst part of all of this is your attitude of "it's her insecurity". You are so far off-base it's alarming, but from what you say about your family, I guess that's how you were raised.

I guess she wasn't raised to be comfortable with your families lifestyle. You lie and keep secrets from her and carry on with behavior she's totally not cool with....KNOWINGLY!

Marriage is supposed to be an open book. You haven't been honest with her since before you were married.


----------



## lisab0105

OP, you make me want to punch my computer screen and send you the bill for a new one. 

W.T.F?! :slap: You CHEATED. Just because the skank took your daddy's dollar bills, does not mean you didn't cheat on your fiancé (now wife). It doesn't matter if you have been a model husband since (and from reading, it doesn't sound like you have)...it is still cheating within the RELATIONSHIP. 

Your behavior is :bsflag:


----------



## LoveLonely

If I am taking everything in correctly, I can't see how this relationship would work. Why? (as if I need to state the obvious): Even if the tables were turned, he would not be upset about her doing something similar (I assume right down to his mother-in-law pouring the whip cream on the guy's junk). Because he wouldn't have a problem with HER behaving that way, he is not able to empathize with her feelings. This just can't work.


----------



## Cosmos

Also, there's something decidedly unwholesome about a father who gets a kick out of watching his sons indulge in sexual acts... Very troubling, IMO...


----------



## 6301

lisab0105 said:


> OP, you make me want to punch my computer screen and send you the bill for a new one.
> 
> W.T.F?! :slap: You CHEATED. Just because the skank took your daddy's dollar bills, does not mean you didn't cheat on your fiancé (now wife). It doesn't matter if you have been a model husband since (and from reading, it doesn't sound like you have)...it is still cheating within the RELATIONSHIP.
> 
> Your behavior is :bsflag:


 That's because the kids a chip off the old block. Dad does it so why not son. Mom knows about dad and sits with her teeth in her mouth and goes along with the program and is either too afraid or worried about being left out in the street.


----------



## 6301

sinnister said:


> I dont know if OP cares about the answers here or not given that he pretty much is ignoring everything he doesn't want to here.
> 
> What gets me is the moral high horse a lot of you people are preaching here. You all have skeletons. Stop pretending you are all so righteous. Damn..sometimes forums are just...tooo much.


 Yeah we do but before you start tooting your horn Gabriel, were pointing out the fact that this guy doesn't think he did anything wrong and ASKED WHAT HE SHOULD DO....................so we told him. I agree that none of us walk on water but this guy doesn't think he really did anything so wrong for his wife to walk out on him.

Don't know if your married but if your wife went nutso with a male stripper at a party and did what this guy did how would you feel and deal with it?


----------



## jkdood

I just want you to know I emailed her and told her everything suggested and I love her and the baby that is coming. I told her I was never trying to hurt her and lets get together and talk about it.


----------



## Cosmos

jkdood said:


> I just want you to know I emailed her and told her everything suggested and I love her and the baby that is coming. I told her I was never trying to hurt her and lets get together and talk about it.


The adoption... That is another issue that needs very careful consideration... Adopting a child might distract you and your W from the issues in your marriage for a while, but it will only last for a short while. In time, those issues will resurface and that is a _very_ unfair situation to bring a child into. 

I think your adoption agency would be most concerned if they knew about the current situation between you and your W...


----------



## jkdood

I know that is half of it. We have waited for years and now we are down to the last few months. We have to get moving on this.


----------



## totallywarped

TiggyBlue said:


> ahhh I don't think I will ever see money in the same light again


eww don't those women know how dirty money is... I'm starting to understand why it's so dirty :rofl:


----------



## Sandfly

totallywarped said:


> someone please tell me how you "feed the kitty"


Normally when I'm cutting up some meat, I place the excess fat to one side.

When I have finished cutting the meat, I then dice the fat into smaller pieces.

It helps if the meat and fat are at thawing point - it cuts easier.

Then I open the back door and throw the fat with a little meat onto the concrete path.

The cat usually turns up to eat it sometime around dawn.

Sometimes it is waiting already.

Here is a diagram.






Hope that helps x


----------



## Gomerpyle

jkdood said:


> I just want you to know I emailed her and told her everything suggested and I love her and the baby that is coming. * I told her I was never trying to hurt her *and lets get together and talk about it.


Following the book here on minimizing your behavior, which rubs salt in the wound. 

When we are in the wrong, we admit exactly what we did, we validate their feelings, and STFU.




jkdood said:


> I know that is half of it. We have waited for years and now we are down to the last few months. We have to get moving on this.


No she doesn't. That's just you using a child to manipulate her. It would be foolish to take on a child with a man that can't be trusted. The sooner you start understanding she's in the right, the sooner you will grow into an adult.

It has nothing to do with strippers. It has to do with being trustworthy.


----------



## Kylie84

Very well said, Gomer. I really hope OP starts paying attention here, he has a LOT to learn.


----------



## jkdood

Then how would you word it if you want to tell her that you never meant to hurt her? I'm trying here.


----------



## 12345Person

jkdood said:


> Then how would you word it if you want to tell her that you never meant to hurt her? I'm trying here.


"I broke the rules, I have participated in parties that I promised not to. I have done (insert all the sexual contact you've had that your wife wasn't involved in), and I was/am wrong. Let's talk in person."

- jkdood


----------



## Caribbean Man

jkdood said:


> Then how would you word it if you want to tell her that you never meant to hurt her? I'm trying here.


jk,
You PMed me earlier this week and I told you what to do.

Here it is again;

This is what you need to do to move forward.
Firstly you need to take full responsibility for your actions and tell your wife EVERYTHING.

Like I told you via PM, I suspect there are more issues than this bachelor party.

You need to work on yourself. Get some individual counselling.
The fact that you all are communicating via email means that she's still interested in hearing what you have to say.
Stop defending your actions, you must understand that they were wrong and are the cause of your present distress.

Then ask her if she's willing to try marital counselling together with you , so that both of you can work this out, together.

What you've done was not acceptable in her eyes, and you trespassed a boundary. But I sense that she's willing to forgive you if you man up and take full responsibility.

This is not a time to sell her dreams , but a time to be very real with her.

But you must first be honest with yourself.
She knows the difference.


----------



## jkdood

totallywarped said:


> someone please tell me how you "feed the kitty"


Al right I will just say it. I laid down with the stick end of a sucker in my mouth and the girl squat over my face and preformed a sex act on the candy part of it then I put it in my mouth. Feed the kitty.


----------



## treyvion

jkdood said:


> Al right I will just say it. I laid down with the stick end of a sucker in my mouth and the girl squat over my face and preformed a sex act on the candy part of it then I put it in my mouth. Feed the kitty.


If that's a stripper that's pretty disgusting, their private parts get alot of bodily fluids and contacts in general. Even in the same day.


----------



## Starstarfish

jkdood said:


> Then how would you word it if you want to tell her that you never meant to hurt her? I'm trying here.


Meaning you didn't intend for her to find out. Unless you honestly see what you did as wrong, any apology is going to be insult to injury. And I'm not sure you honestly understand why she's upset or see that your behavior was wrong. 

In the end you lied, knew you were lying and conspired to maintain that lie for years, while it was a big joke to your family at your wife's expense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jkdood

Starstarfish said:


> In the end you lied, knew you were lying and conspired to maintain that lie for years, while it was a big joke to your family at your wife's expense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Since you brought it up, she says she never wants to see my family again and she doesn't want the baby to see them. But even she says that is problematic. It wasn't really a big joke in our family either. We just didn't talk about it since right after the wedding.


----------



## Cosmos

jkdood said:


> Al right I will just say it. I laid down with the stick end of a sucker in my mouth and the girl squat over my face and preformed a sex act on the candy part of it then I put it in my mouth. Feed the kitty.


And you still don't see this as cheating?:scratchhead:


----------



## Starstarfish

jkdood said:


> Since you brought it up, she says she never wants to see my family again and she doesn't want the baby to see them. But even she says that is problematic. It wasn't really a big joke in our family either. We just didn't talk about it since right after the wedding.


So it hadn't been discussed for years and then suddenly one day someone blurts out a random joke about it?

I'd seriously question that person's motives if that's true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kylie84

One of my old gf's had a hens party (one I didn't go to as I knew there would be trouble) and her aim was to kiss as many men as she could by the end of the night. This was agreed between her and then fiance. (this couple used to engage in threesomes etc so this was nothing new.) As long as she did nothing sexual other than a simple no tongue kiss then that was fine. She did this. FAIL!!! The fiance was quite upset over this. He then told her AFTER THEY MARRIED that he did something very similar to you OP at his bachelor party. He used a vibrator on the 'stripper' (prostitute) with his mouth and a few other things my gf didn't elaborate on. She was devastated but because she felt she didn't have the right to feel that way after what she did, she let it go-quite a long time later.But she did tell me that if she had behaved on her night out, she would have left him as what he did wasn't agreed upon and he didn't tell her until after the wedding. 
I don't know how long they will last, seems a bit of a train wreck from the beginning. At least your wife seems to want to give you the benefit of the doubt. You need to do EXACTLY what Caribbean Man has told you.


----------



## treyvion

Kylie84 said:


> One of my old gf's had a hens party (one I didn't go to as I knew there would be trouble) and her aim was to kiss as many men as she could by the end of the night. This was agreed between her and then fiance. (this couple used to engage in threesomes etc so this was nothing new.) As long as she did nothing sexual other than a simple no tongue kiss then that was fine. She did this. FAIL!!! The fiance was quite upset over this. He then told her AFTER THEY MARRIED that he did something very similar to you OP at his bachelor party. He used a vibrator on the 'stripper' (prostitute) with his mouth and a few other things my gf didn't elaborate on. She was devastated but because she felt she didn't have the right to feel that way after what she did, she let it go-quite a long time later.But she did tell me that if she had behaved on her night out, she would have left him as what he did wasn't agreed upon and he didn't tell her until after the wedding.
> I don't know how long they will last, seems a bit of a train wreck from the beginning. At least your wife seems to want to give you the benefit of the doubt. You need to do EXACTLY what Caribbean Man has told you.


And yet, people will continue to play with fire exactly like this for many hundreds of years to come in the name of good fun and comradery.


----------



## Gomerpyle

jkdood said:


> Then how would you word it if you want to tell her that you never meant to hurt her? I'm trying here.


Brick wall. 

After divorce, your ears might start working.


----------



## jkdood

Starstarfish said:


> So it hadn't been discussed for years and then suddenly one day someone blurts out a random joke about it?
> 
> I'd seriously question that person's motives if that's true.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know why she brought it up.


----------



## FizzBomb

You peformed SEX ACTS with mulitple strippers/prostitutes (?) right before you got married after expressly stating you would not do this.

Mummy and Daddy think its ok so everyone should be ok with it. Am I right so far? The way you express yourself OP, you come across as a recalcitrant teenage boy pouting b/c your bride isn't happy with you performing sex acts with multiple women.

You need to start behaving like a man. YOU made the decision to do this and you need to own it. Stop blaming everyone else - mummy and daddy thinks it ok - so what, your wife's 'insecurities'.  Personally, I find it kind of creepy that you were performing sex acts in front of your father and brothers.

What went on in the 'private dance'? You want to get your wife back do you? You need to tell her EVERYTHING in detail so she can decide for herself.


----------



## techmom

jkdood said:


> I don't know why she brought it up.


Really. I mean, why would she bring up this thing that can jeopardize the most important thing in your life which is adopting this beautiful baby into your happy home. Sounds like pure evil to me.

So, alright TAM posters, please tell this guy what to sy to his wife so she can return home and get with the program of presenting this bundle of joy to his family. Because all I'm hearing is people talking about stuff like truth, honesty, trust, responsibility and all that jazz. That is not really important here, you are all posting about past tense business. Get the OP the magic words to say so that is wife can forgive him and we can move on, OK?

Gee whiz people, get with the program


----------



## 6301

jkdood said:


> Al right I will just say it. I laid down with the stick end of a sucker in my mouth and the girl squat over my face and preformed a sex act on the candy part of it then I put it in my mouth. Feed the kitty.


 You put the end of the sucker that you stuck in her pu$$y in your mouth? 

You have any idea how many guys had their junk in that woman? You may as well have licked a toilet at the bus station.

Good God man wait until she finds this out and she thinks how many times you kissed her good night.

You need help dude and your wife needs to have a shot of antibiotics.


----------



## coffee4me

jkdood said:


> Then how would you word it if you want to tell her that you never meant to hurt her? I'm trying here.


It's impossible to convey the message that you did not intentionally hurt her. Because you clearly made a choice more than once to participate in activities that you knew would hurt her. So from her side you did mean to hurt her because you chose cheap sexual thrills over respecting her and her feelings. Can you see that? 

You can only repair the hurt you caused by taking ownership and being remorseful. Then working towards positive actions to improve your marriage. All that is if she feels there is enough if a marriage to save. All that and still she may be thinking deal breaker. 

Are you still ok with the choice you made to have the BP? Do you honestly still feel there is nothing wrong with what you did?


----------



## browneyes74

Let me see if I can TRY to explain this in a way that OP can understand.. Bear with me, OP.. 

My STBXH's family likes to "play" this game at Xmas. The "white elephant" game. Where you wrap up a gift that is absolutely atrocious, and someone wraps it up.. and then you unwrap it. BUT, if you like what someone else gets, and it's your turn, you can go STEAL their gift.. (the irony of his family stealing from each other is completely over their head, but that's another post)

Anyway, here's the deal.. They involve the little kids in it.. Guess what happens? Little kids, 4, 5 and 6 open up gifts that are TOTALLY inappropriate.. Adults gale in laughter. Kids cry. Adults laugh and laugh.. Kid opens something semi-decent. Another adult steals it. Kid cries. Adults GALE in laughter.. sometimes to tears.. (sounds really fun, right? watching little kids being tormented?) Kids get something they don't understand.. kids cry, adults GALE in laughter, kids cry harder, thinking adults are laughing at them.. 

Fun family game, right? 

I would tell my then husband, you know what? This isn't right. The little kids don't get it. It's not nice. It's actually kind of mean.. he agreed. I bought "real" gifts for the little kids to open so they would feel part of it, but not a butt of the joke.. 

now that we are separated, well, I'm just an uptight ***** that can't have fun.. 

My FIVE year old comes home with the "UltaMATE Glam SEXY Makeup Kit!" featuring "High Beams" "Stay Don't Stray" and "Bad Girl" Mascara.. Not to mention that it's all dried up and nasty.. They proceeded to LAUGH and LAUGH.. and send her home telling her that it's hers now and she can use it.. 

Umm, no. 

So, I had to explain that it's not appropriate.. (ps. It's not right, and it's not nice..) She cries, she's hurt. why did they give it to her? why did they laugh? that was MEAN, she said.. 

But guess what? D*uchebag's family thinks THIS is the MOST FUN FAMILY game ever! What a family, right? Tormenting and making fun of small kids that don't understand what's going on for fun? What a blast.. 


This is kind of the same thing.. You think it's normal.. But, really, it's not.. It's not nice, it's not normal, and it's kind of twisted.. 

And to boot, you promised your wife you wouldn't do it.. But then did it anyway, b/c you think it's normal.. If you thought it was so normal, you should have told you were going to do it.. But you didn't.. You agreed and lied.. THAT is the issue.. 

So, fine, you think it's normal. Then you should find someone who also thinks it's normal.. Not lie to someone who thinks it's not.. THAT is the underlying issue..


----------



## 6301

I could just imagine what present the grandparents would give their new grandchild. A gift certificate to an adult book store.


----------



## jkdood

browneyes74 said:


> Let me see if I can TRY to explain this in a way that OP can understand.. Bear with me, OP..
> 
> My STBXH's family likes to "play" this game at Xmas. The "white elephant" game. Where you wrap up a gift that is absolutely atrocious, and someone wraps it up.. and then you unwrap it. BUT, if you like what someone else gets, and it's your turn, you can go STEAL their gift.. (the irony of his family stealing from each other is completely over their head, but that's another post)
> 
> Anyway, here's the deal.. They involve the little kids in it.. Guess what happens? Little kids, 4, 5 and 6 open up gifts that are TOTALLY inappropriate.. Adults gale in laughter. Kids cry. Adults laugh and laugh.. Kid opens something semi-decent. Another adult steals it. Kid cries. Adults GALE in laughter.. sometimes to tears.. (sounds really fun, right? watching little kids being tormented?) Kids get something they don't understand.. kids cry, adults GALE in laughter, kids cry harder, thinking adults are laughing at them..
> 
> Fun family game, right?
> 
> I would tell my then husband, you know what? This isn't right. The little kids don't get it. It's not nice. It's actually kind of mean.. he agreed. I bought "real" gifts for the little kids to open so they would feel part of it, but not a butt of the joke..
> 
> now that we are separated, well, I'm just an uptight ***** that can't have fun..
> 
> My FIVE year old comes home with the "UltaMATE Glam SEXY Makeup Kit!" featuring "High Beams" "Stay Don't Stray" and "Bad Girl" Mascara.. Not to mention that it's all dried up and nasty.. They proceeded to LAUGH and LAUGH.. and send her home telling her that it's hers now and she can use it..
> 
> Umm, no.
> 
> So, I had to explain that it's not appropriate.. (ps. It's not right, and it's not nice..) She cries, she's hurt. why did they give it to her? why did they laugh? that was MEAN, she said..
> 
> But guess what? D*uchebag's family thinks THIS is the MOST FUN FAMILY game ever! What a family, right? Tormenting and making fun of small kids that don't understand what's going on for fun? What a blast..
> 
> 
> This is kind of the same thing.. You think it's normal.. But, really, it's not.. It's not nice, it's not normal, and it's kind of twisted..
> 
> And to boot, you promised your wife you wouldn't do it.. But then did it anyway, b/c you think it's normal.. If you thought it was so normal, you should have told you were going to do it.. But you didn't.. You agreed and lied.. THAT is the issue..
> 
> So, fine, you think it's normal. Then you should find someone who also thinks it's normal.. Not lie to someone who thinks it's not.. THAT is the underlying issue..


Alright I get it.


----------



## browneyes74

Okay, now the question for you is.. 

What are you going to do about it? 

Not, ask a bunch of strangers on the internet. Not seek justification. 

You know your wife. You know she's hurt. Rightfully so, if you truly get it. You should also know what SHE would need to hear from you and need you to do to make it right. 

Now, do I think you should cut out your family? Not necessarily. Although, if they are bringing up this stuff years later to hurt her, there are boundary issues, and something you might want to look into. Your family isn't blameless in this. 

If they are a good family despite their penchant for sex parties, well, that's something to decide for the two of you.. 

But, honestly, I think a heartfelt offer, of "Honey, I think we need a professional to help us through this" is probably warranted. But, that's me..

And you know her better, or should. And it should be the TWO of you against the world, not you against her..


----------



## Blondilocks

browneyes74, your story of the Christmas gag gifts ranks right up there as one of the most twisted, sick and pathetic stories I have ever heard. Be glad the in-laws will be ex-in laws and try to prevent your children from being exposed to those malevolent trolls.


----------



## Blondilocks

jkdood said:


> Alright I get it.


I sincerely hope so before you come down with a nasty disease in your mouth like Michael Douglas.

You and your wife need to be tested for STDs. This is serious stuff.


----------



## MattMatt

JK, maybe you should have married the stripper? After all what plays together, stays together.

You need to approach your wife with real, genuine humility.

Don't give her fake guff, don't give her lip-service, be the real deal.


----------



## Kylie84

mattmatt said:


> jk, maybe you should have married the stripper? After all what plays together, stays together.
> 
> You need to approach your wife with real, genuine humility.
> 
> Don't give her fake guff, don't give her lip-service, be the real deal.


this.


----------



## Caribbean Man

JK,

Have you found a competent counsellor as yet?
Are you looking ?

That is the first step if you want your wife back.
In any event, even if she doesn't come back , by doing some individual counseling and some serious work on yourself , you would improve your chances of having a better relationship with another woman in the future.

The posters here are trying to help you, that's why your thread is still running.

No one , whether male or female likes to be lied to and deceived .
You are probably young still.
Take this as an opportunity to work on yourself and become a better man!


----------



## catfan

*Re: Re: my wife walked out*



jkdood said:


> I won't obfuscate anything if she wants to hear it, I just don't think she wants to hear it. My mom is a woman who understands guy fun as do my brothers wives. And during the private dance there was no putting my junk in her junk.


So during the private dance there was no PIV....but what did? BJ, HJ,???? The public show was already so intence, what would they do in the private dance? Will you share tyhis with your wife also?


----------



## Cosmos

catfan said:


> So during the private dance there was no PIV....but what did? BJ, HJ,???? The public show was already so intence, what would they do in the private dance? Will you share tyhis with your wife also?


He has to tell her everything - including the things he's done with other women since their marriage...

I also want to reiterate what I said in an earlier post. It would be highly irresponsible and unfair of them to proceed with the adoption of a child right now.


----------



## F-102

jkdood said:


> Alright I get it.


It doesn't sound like you really "get it". It sounds like you are telling us, like your wife, whatever it takes to get us to shut up, get off of your case and see things YOUR way.


----------



## Idyit

I'm really liking jkdood's wife here. She took a stand in a big way and seems to be sticking to it. Her actions speak clearly and she didn't need to come to TAM to find out how to react.

That's a strong woman who will get the trust, love, respect etc that she deserves. Might not be from jkdood though.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Idyit said:


> I'm really liking jkdood's wife here. She took a stand in a big way and seems to be sticking to it. Her actions speak clearly and she didn't need to come to TAM to find out how to react.
> 
> That's a strong woman who will get the trust, love, respect etc that she deserves. Might not be from jkdood though.


:iagree:

We teach people exactly how we want them to treat us when we accept abuse.
The minute we *stop accepting bad behavior* , it changes the power dynamics of the relationship and the aggressor has to back down

Somehow I wish more men and women would understand this and stop making excuses for other people's bad behavior.


----------



## JCD

Gomerpyle said:


> You tell her that you were in the wrong for making a promise you did not intend to keep. You tell her that her feelings are valid, and that she has every right to be angry.
> 
> Instead of focusing on what it is you want her to do, the focus has to be on you changing your attitude: being a better person and putting your wife before yourself and everyone else on your list.


It doesn't matter. He doesn't believe it and I doubt he can sell it to her that he IS contrite instead of wondering why the hell she just can't get over it.


----------



## Blondilocks

JCD said:


> It doesn't matter. He doesn't believe it and I doubt he can sell it to her that he IS contrite instead of wondering why the hell she just can't get over it.


Sadly, I agree.


----------



## vellocet

jkdood said:


> Will someone explain this to me?


Yes, its simple. You pissed her off and broke your promise to her. And I'm gathering that whatever it was you did with a "guest" was considered by her to be cheating.

All she asked was that you and your dad not arrange the traditional, get your last minute thrills in with other women, bachelor party. You and your dad did it anyway. 

Basically you both disrespected her.




> This happened years ago and it was only a BP.


The kind of BP that your soon to be wife wasn't comfortable with you having. Its like this, some people, like myself, think that if you have to have one last hurrah with the opposite sex before getting married, then you don't need to be married.




> Even my mom was ok with the party.


Your mom isn't the one marrying you and didn't ask you not to disrespect her with a nasty stripper.




> I thought of my party like girls dream of their wedding. And my junk didn't go into any of their junk. It just is over reaction.


To YOU it is. To her it isn't. How would you like it if she sucked whip cream off another guy's d!ck?

Something tells me you'll say you wouldn't care because your wife probably wouldn't do it.




> The responses here are reactionary. I want a guys opinion. What is going to get her back home?


Maybe finally giving her some respect and honoring her wishes. But its too late for that.




> I didn't cheat.



To YOU it wasn't cheating. To her it is.




> I fed the kitty, licked the whip cream bikini (my own dad sprayed on the whip cream) I don't remember what it is called but my brother put a $50 on my face and the girl sat on it and picked it up with her mound, then a private room dance. Crazy guy stuff but not cheating.



What you did wouldn't be any different than a prospective wife of mine going to a male strip club and sucking whip cream off his d!ck. The wedding would have been canceled if I had found out.

Tell you what, would you be up for finding a male stripper with the biggest **** you can find and letting him stick it in her face and she can suck some goodies off of it?


----------



## vellocet

*Re: My wife left*



jkdood said:


> But none on how to get her back home.


Beg her to come back home and promise you won't disrespect her like that ever again. No more BP's, clubs, or wherever else you might think sticking your face in another woman's mound is acceptable behavior that she should accept.

You and your dad need to apologize and tell her something like that will never happen again.

Oh, and as far as you going out and partying with friends, if you do, or your dad....well sorry to say, that's over if you love and respect your wife.


----------



## vellocet

jkdood said:


> I won't obfuscate anything if she wants to hear it, I just don't think she wants to hear it. My mom is a woman who understands guy fun as do my brothers wives. And during the private dance there was no putting my junk in her junk.


You don't have to put your **** in a woman to disrespect your significant other.

You disrespected her big time. And some will see it as a form of cheating. Either way, your wife asked you and your dad to not do it and you did it anyway.



jkdood said:


> what exactly should I tell her about the private dance, *everything*? or just that something happened?


Everything??? Well how the fk much is there?? This right here tells me you cheated, as if you did just about everything BUT put your **** in her. Something tells me oral sex was performed either on you or by you (well, already know you did by licking cream off her "mound")

So, tell us, what all happened in the private dance?? You are being purposely vague, and I suspect we all know why.



You cheated, end of story. Since you refuse to see it, and probably never will, why don't you do her a favor and file for divorce.


----------



## jkdood

Caribbean Man said:


> JK,
> 
> Have you found a competent counsellor as yet?
> Are you looking ?
> 
> That is the first step if you want your wife back.
> In any event, even if she doesn't come back , by doing some individual counseling and some serious work on yourself , you would improve your chances of having a better relationship with another woman in the future.
> 
> The posters here are trying to help you, that's why your thread is still running.
> 
> No one , whether male or female likes to be lied to and deceived .
> You are probably young still.
> Take this as an opportunity to work on yourself and become a better man!


We have an appointment but haven't seen him yet. She is back living at the house but she is sleeping in the baby's room.


----------



## jkdood

*Re: My wife left*



vellocet said:


> Beg her to come back home and promise you won't disrespect her like that ever again. No more BP's, clubs, or wherever else you might think sticking your face in another woman's mound is acceptable behavior that she should accept.
> 
> You and your dad need to apologize and tell her something like that will never happen again.
> 
> Oh, and as far as you going out and partying with friends, if you do, or your dad....well sorry to say, that's over if you love and respect your wife.


My dad would never apologize. And it is ridiculous to think I won't see my friends or my dad again.


----------



## Starstarfish

> And it is ridiculous to think I won't see my friends or my dad again.


If after 10 pages, this is the response you have, I smell doom. 

This isn't about seeing your friends or your Dad, it's about you not realizing that intimate interactions with other people's genitals is a dealbreaker for your wife, and that you spent years covering it up and your family thinks its a riot. 

The fact that you won't without hesitation not promise to make that kind of contact with another woman but make it about seeing your dad or your friends is a problem. I mean, do you, your father, and your friends not have other activities to pursue together that don't involve oral sex acts with strippers?


----------



## 6301

*Re: My wife left*



jkdood said:


> My dad would never apologize. And it is ridiculous to think I won't see my friends or my dad again.


 You know, comprehension isn't your strong suite along with common sense either.

You think that just because Mumsy tolerates Daddies pathetic behavior and accepts his total disrespect that you can do the same stupid things and every woman should follow in the same ridiculous way.

Here's whats going to happen know it all. Don't be surprised if your wife hands you divorce papers and tells you to stick your stupidity and your family sideways.

I have no clue how old you are but dude you need to do some serious growing up and find another role model because the one you look up to and admire couldn't make a patch on a good role models ass. 

I'm sorry, your just flat out stupid and lack any kind of common sense. 

You got a bunch of people all telling you the same thing. You fu--ed up and you need to make things right with your wife who you lied to and cheated on and you can't or won't take the one big step to try to correct your mistake and yes you made a big mistake.

Don't know whose giving you advice where ever you are but if you keep acting like a complete ass and keep defending you poor choices that you made, your going to be the big loser and pal you deserve everything you get unless you wake up and recognize your ways are wrong and start making the right choices. 

You can start by making a phone call to you wife and letting her know that you are sorry and ask if you two can talk. That's what a man who did wrong would do so how about it?


----------



## jkdood

*Re: My wife left*



6301 said:


> You know, comprehension isn't your strong suite along with common sense either.
> 
> You think that just because Mumsy tolerates Daddies pathetic behavior and accepts his total disrespect that you can do the same stupid things and every woman should follow in the same ridiculous way.
> 
> Here's whats going to happen know it all. Don't be surprised if your wife hands you divorce papers and tells you to stick your stupidity and your family sideways.
> 
> I have no clue how old you are but dude you need to do some serious growing up and find another role model because the one you look up to and admire couldn't make a patch on a good role models ass.
> 
> I'm sorry, your just flat out stupid and lack any kind of common sense.
> 
> You got a bunch of people all telling you the same thing. You fu--ed up and you need to make things right with your wife who you lied to and cheated on and you can't or won't take the one big step to try to correct your mistake and yes you made a big mistake.
> 
> Don't know whose giving you advice where ever you are but if you keep acting like a complete ass and keep defending you poor choices that you made, your going to be the big loser and pal you deserve everything you get unless you wake up and recognize your ways are wrong and start making the right choices.
> 
> You can start by making a phone call to you wife and letting her know that you are sorry and ask if you two can talk. That's what a man who did wrong would do so how about it?


I said earlier today that she is living back home and we have an appointment with a counselor. I just don't think it is realistic to think I won't have anything to do with my family any more. There must be a better solution. They are looking forward to meeting their grand daughter. I am taking this seriously.


----------



## techmom

jkdood said:


> I said earlier today that she is living back home and we have an appointment with a counselor. I just don't think it is realistic to think I won't have anything to do with my family any more. There must be a better solution. They are looking forward to meeting their grand daughter. I am taking this seriously.


Your wife is going to find the solution, and if you keep going on like this you may not have a granddaughter to introduce to Daddy. Your wife may have moved back home but you are in no way out of the woods yet.

Ladies take note, this is what happens to your son when you stay forever in a relationship where you are disrespected by the hubby. He grows up with no clue of proper behavior towards their wife, no clue as to respect her wishes and boundaries.

Your wife is a gem, because she is teaching you about what happens in a relationship in the real world. Your mom did you no favors by accepting your dad's disrespectful lifestyle and by having no boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bobbieb65

@jkdood, your family is toxic but you don't want to see it, your wife does. If I were her I would file for D and wait until it's final b4 adopting a baby just to make sure your family would never ever be involved. 

Someone posted a story about the "white elephant game" for xmas which was a great example...my examples would include families that encourage alcoholism, drug abuse, infidelity, etc. 

Remember just because they're your family doesn't mean they're right. You need to make a choice...your family or your wife and future child because I doubt you will have both...and that is all on you.


----------



## vellocet

*Re: My wife left*



jkdood said:


> My dad would never apologize. And it is ridiculous to think I won't see my friends or my dad again.


Read again. I didn't say anything about seeing them again. I said "partying". You have proven you and your dad can't be trusted. Therefore you f'ed that up.

If you love your wife you will never do something like that again.

But something tells me you don't want to give up your disrespectful practices. And as far as your dad not apologizing after he, according to you, promised your wife he wouldn't instigate a oral sex party for you, and whatever else you did with the skank in the private dance, then it is understandable your wife doesn't want him to be a bad influence around the child. 

And given your disrespect, I understand why she wants to be the sole adopter. Better that way in the event of a divorce, which is sure to happen with you and your dad's attitude. And it would be the best for your wife.


----------



## vellocet

techmom said:


> Your wife is a gem, because she is teaching you about what happens in a relationship in the real world. Your mom did you no favors by accepting your dad's disrespectful lifestyle and by having no boundaries.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. But it aint gonna sink in. He thinks he should be allowed to do nasty things to other women and his wife should be ok with it.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

CuddleBug said:


> This meant a lot to him, his wife knew this, with his dad, and she could of talked with the dad and said, keep the bachelor party clean!!!
> 
> Did she say anything to the dad beforehand??
> 
> He's the one that planned the bachelor party and not her hubby.
> 
> He didn't have an Emotional Affair EA, or a Physical Affair PA.
> 
> He had an inappropriate bachelor party from his dad that I'm sure he's sorry for at this point and will never do it again, right???
> 
> I think he's learned his lesson and so has his dad.
> 
> And wasn't this years ago and not last week?
> 
> Since that bachelor party, which was years ago, has he been faithful and never partied like that again? Was it only a one time thing?


I love sarcasm...Great post.

You're being sarcastic right?


----------



## Dad&Hubby

*Re: My wife left*



jkdood said:


> I said earlier today that she is living back home and we have an appointment with a counselor. I just don't think it is realistic to think I won't have anything to do with my family any more. There must be a better solution. They are looking forward to meeting their grand daughter. I am taking this seriously.


Okay I have a question for you. Look up "Hen parties" on some porn websites. Pretend that's your wife (using the hands, not the BJ's etc) Licking whipped cream off though, yes.

Now after watching that, if that was your wife, how would you feel about her? About your marriage? And about the people who THREW the party?

Additionally, how would you feel if you requested her to not do those things SPECIFICALLY and she still went out and did it?

How would you truly feel? Please answer that


----------



## notperfectanymore

WOW...I don't usually get involved in posts like this but WOW dude you are really showing signs of being a hardcore narcissist...anyway...

I came from a rough neighborhood. I know many men AND women who would be perfectly OK with this...the idea being that BOTH parties to the relationship are good with it...like kinds...Your wife IS NOT insecure. She has standards, morals, DIFFERENT OPINIONS ON LIFE THAT YOU. YOU LIED TO HER and she had enough CONFIDENCE to leave you. She wouldn't have married you if she knew the truth, and you should have told her, because you could have found someone that would be OK with this. I would NEVER bring my daughter near your father either....creepy guy who has NO respect for women...but there ARE women out there that are OK with this...you just need to find them...

YOU LIED TO HER.....end of discussion....you are not the person she thought she married....I really don't think counseling is going to help you two....you just don't get it...RESPECT the fact that you two have DIFFERENT STANDARDS. That WILL NEVER CHANGE. She is not wrong, uptight, insecure, just has DIFFERENT (and higher in my opinion) standards for the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. If I EVER found out my hubs did any of those things, got THAT close to another kitty, I would also BE GONE. But there are women out there who would be OK with it, and LOVE your family just the same.

Please set her free, she deserves better.


----------



## spunkycat08

You are *not *the ideal marriage partner for your wife.

And you think that what you did at your bachelor party was not wrong. 

I would have never married you if I was your fiance.


----------



## techmom

jkdood said:


> This happened years ago and it was only a BP. Even my mom was ok with the party. My dad throws them for all of us and they are crazy. I thought of my party like girls dream of their wedding. And my junk didn't go into any of their junk. It just is over reaction. The responses here are reactionary. I want a guys opinion. What is going to get her back home?


I wanted to go back to this post, it is interesting that you looked forward to this party like women look forward to their wedding. How young were you when your dad promised you this wild party? It is very telling that you think that the guys would have told you how to get her home, but when they gave you their opinions you didn't take heed. 

You don't realize this yet, but your mom and dad did not model a proper marriage for you. All you saw was dad doing whatever he wanted and mom agreeing. Women look forward to weddings because it symbolizes the beginning of a marriage, a sacred time in their life. Your dad taught you to look forward to strippers sticking their privates in your face and having your way with them. That is more valuable? And you want to bring an innocent baby girl into this? No wonder your wife wants to adopt her for herself, your family is not equipped to deal with a baby girl, and neither is you. 

Your views on what your wife should accept is mind blowing. Should your future daughter get married to someone like you and accept thing that you want your present wife to accept? If she was feeling hurt by what her future husband did during his bachelor party, would you be like "suck it up and go back to him. So what if he lied to you, he deserves his party". How would you feel?


----------



## jkdood

*Re: My wife left*



Dad&Hubby said:


> Okay I have a question for you. Look up "Hen parties" on some porn websites. Pretend that's your wife (using the hands, not the BJ's etc) Licking whipped cream off though, yes.
> 
> Now after watching that, if that was your wife, how would you feel about her? About your marriage? And about the people who THREW the party?
> 
> Additionally, how would you feel if you requested her to not do those things SPECIFICALLY and she still went out and did it?
> 
> How would you truly feel? Please answer that


She would never do something like that but I would feel bad if she did.


----------



## jkdood

*Re: My wife left*



Dad&Hubby said:


> Okay I have a question for you. Look up "Hen parties" on some porn websites. Pretend that's your wife (using the hands, not the BJ's etc) Licking whipped cream off though, yes.
> 
> Now after watching that, if that was your wife, how would you feel about her? About your marriage? And about the people who THREW the party?
> 
> Additionally, how would you feel if you requested her to not do those things SPECIFICALLY and she still went out and did it?
> 
> How would you truly feel? Please answer that


Alright I did. I wouldn't care if she had a dance or licked whip cream off a guys nips but licking off his junk would bother me.


----------



## Kylie84

The fact that so many people are taking the time to respond to the OP yet he doesn't seem to want to invest the time in to replying properly to the 'hard' questions tells me something...


----------



## thummper

frusdil said:


> :iagree: He sounds like a filthy old letch.
> 
> What you did was disgusting OP, and I bet your wife is upset, because had she known about this before the wedding, the wedding would never had happened.
> 
> I sure as hell wouldn't have married my hubby had he done what you did.


 :iagree::iagree::iagree:

I was just thinking the same thing. And I don't know what your definition of cheating is, but doing the things you described with other women at that "party" IS cheating on your intended. What in the hell was your dad thinking when he organized this little orgy, oops excuse me, "party" for you to participate in? I'm certainly no prude, but I've rarely heard anything as degrading as "feed the kitty."


----------



## thummper

jkdood said:


> I never told her. She wouldn't be ok. I just never brought it up. I'm trying to see from her point of view she wouldn't like it. But I agree about her being insecure. I wouldn't care if she had a stripper. But *she isn't cool with them. She is feeling betrayed.*




No kidding! *Duh!!!*


----------



## thummper

jkdood said:


> Al right I will just say it. I laid down with the stick end of a sucker in my mouth and the girl squat over my face and preformed a sex act on the candy part of it then I put it in my mouth. Feed the kitty.


And this *ISN'T* cheating??? :scratchhead:


----------



## thummper

*Re: My wife left*



jkdood said:


> I said earlier today that she is living back home and we have an appointment with a counselor. I just don't think it is realistic to think I won't have anything to do with my family any more. There must be a better solution. They are looking forward to meeting their grand daughter. *I am taking this seriously.*





Something tells me your wife is taking it seriously, too.


----------



## 6301

*Re: My wife left*



jkdood said:


> Alright I did. I wouldn't care if she had a dance or licked whip cream off a guys nips but licking off his junk would bother me.


 Bull $h!t. If your wife did what you did, you would either throw her out and file or run home to Daddy and then he would read the riot act to you for not taping it and showing him.

Keep up with your attitude and you will get what you deserve and when that happens, you can't say that you were not warned.


----------



## Quant

Look I'm a massive sexist a-hole and even I think you are being a d-bag to your wife. I have no problem with strippers for a bachelor party but you seem to have the boundaries of a 15 year old. Heck I don't even have a problem with prostitutes if you are single and haven't had sex in like a year. You screwed up and need to regain and earn her trust.


----------



## jkdood

thummper said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> I was just thinking the same thing. And I don't know what your definition of cheating is, but doing the things you described with other women at that "party" IS cheating on your intended. What in the hell was your dad thinking when he organized this little orgy, oops excuse me, "party" for you to participate in? I'm certainly no prude, but I've rarely heard anything as degrading as "feed the kitty."


He was trying to give me one last fling as a single guy. It was about me and not her. I just never saw it as cheating and many guys don't that is why it happens so often at BP. I have been to several where this has happened. Of course no guy is going to tell his wife nor are the other guys who are doing it. It's the bro-code. I'm sure lots of guys here have done this kind of thing. I would like to hear from them.


----------



## Starstarfish

jkdood said:


> He was trying to give me one last fling as a single guy. It was about me and not her. I just never saw it as cheating and many guys don't that is why it happens so often at BP. I have been to several where this has happened. Of course no guy is going to tell his wife nor are the other guys who are doing it. It's the bro-code. I'm sure lots of guys here have done this kind of thing. I would like to hear from them.


Your brother epically failed the bro code then, as his wife was quite obviously aware in order to make jokes about it.

PS - If you are engaged, you aren't single.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jkdood

Starstarfish said:


> Your brother epically failed the bro code then, as his wife was quite obviously aware in order to make jokes about it.
> 
> PS - If you are engaged, you aren't single.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow, I guess I didn't see it that way. I guess since she is so cool with it we didn't see it as breaking the bro-code. And engaged is still not married. Single.


----------



## jkdood

Quant said:


> Look I'm a massive sexist a-hole and even I think you are being a d-bag to your wife. I have no problem with strippers for a bachelor party but you seem to have the boundaries of a 15 year old. Heck I don't even have a problem with prostitutes if you are single and haven't had sex in like a year. You screwed up and need to regain and earn her trust.


I just feel that after all these years she should looking at the good things I have done. I'll admit I shouldn't have lied. And I will say that people are bashing my dad but I ok'd the party after all. If I hadn't it wouldn't have happened.


----------



## norajane

jkdood said:


> I just feel that after all these years she should looking at the good things I have done. I'll admit I shouldn't have lied. And I will say that people are bashing my dad but I ok'd the party after all. If I hadn't it wouldn't have happened.


In order to get to the point where she can consider your relationship as a whole, first you have to address the pain point and resolve it. Admit, acknowledge, take responsibility, apologize, discuss boundaries, be open and honest and you will get through this.

But if you minimize, back pedal, apologize grudgingly and continue to believe you did nothing wrong, this will blow up your marriage permanently.


----------



## jkdood

Kylie84 said:


> The fact that so many people are taking the time to respond to the OP yet he doesn't seem to want to invest the time in to replying properly to the 'hard' questions tells me something...


Ok once and for all what hard questions do you want me to answer? My wife and I had a long talk last night for the first time in weeks.


----------



## jkdood

norajane said:


> In order to get to the point where she can consider your relationship as a whole, first you have to address the pain point and resolve it. Admit, acknowledge, take responsibility, apologize, discuss boundaries, be open and honest and you will get through this.
> 
> But if you minimize, back pedal, apologize grudgingly and continue to believe you did nothing wrong, this will blow up your marriage permanently.


I admit I lied and I shouldn't have. That was wrong. And I shouldn't have broken a promise. My wife and I are talking again. Or we did last night.


----------



## soccermom2three

I think people are bashing your Dad because it's actually kind of creepy for him to plan his own son's bachelor party and watch him perform sexual acts on strippers. The way you've described him, he's way too into it, in a perverted incestuous way. It's not normal.


----------



## jkdood

soccermom2three said:


> I think people are bashing your Dad because it's actually kind of creepy for him to plan his own son's bachelor party and watch him perform sexual acts on strippers. The way you've described him, he's way too into it, in a perverted incestuous way. It's not normal.


I didn't realize this was the issue. I never thought of it this way. I never thought of as incestuous just a bunch of fun.


----------



## Vega

jkdood said:


> I just feel that after all these years she should looking at the good things I have done.


This is the mindset of a cheater. Cheaters often justify their cheating by telling themselves--and others--that they 'deserve' to cheat _and be forgiven for it _because of all the 'good' things they've done in their relationship. Of course, this attitude sets the cheater up to cheat over and over again. As soon as the cheater feels like cheating again, (s)he will use the same 'defense': "But look at all the 'GOOD' I've done for YOU!" 

Doing 100 (...or 1,000...or 10,000, etc.) 'right' things does NOT automatically _entitle_ you to do what you _KNOW_ is wrong! (you know it's wrong because you lied about it, and you wouldn't want your wife to do what you did)

From what you've written, it doesn't seem like you're emotionally ready to be married, let alone, bring a child into the mix. 

I think you really need to take a good hard honest look at your thinking/behavior before you go forward with your plans to adopt.

Just my 2 cents...

Vega


----------



## thummper

"Bro-code?" *PLEEEEEZE*!!! I've never understood the whole damn bachelor party crap! You're planning to be married to, hopefully, the love of your life. Instead of concentrating on your future with her, why go out and have a final "fling?" It's disrespectful to *the* woman you've chosen as your mate. Even though, technically, you're still single, with the exception of saying a few words in a ceremony, you are "married" in a sense. After carrying on with these other women, doing just about everything in the sexual book, except penetration (and I'm not sure a lot of that doesn't go on in some of these "parties", how could you even look your future wife in the eye again?! Grrrrrrrrrrrr! And she had known what your dad was probably intending to do, and she specifically asked you to tell him NOT to do it. And be damned if you didn't go ahead and do it anyway. Now she finds out, not only was there a party, but to her mind there were all manner of totally disgusting acts performed there, with you joyfully taking part. Depending on how furious she is about this, I'm fearful for your marriage. And I think she's dead serious about not having anything to do with your dad, especially where the baby is concerned. He needs to know that her adamant attitude toward him is his fault and nobody else's. I do hope that you two can work toward solving this issue.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

jkdood said:


> I admit I lied and I shouldn't have. That was wrong. And I shouldn't have broken a promise. My wife and I are talking again. Or we did last night.


This would annoy me unless you also admitted that what at the party was wrong, not just lying about it but actually doing the things you did there. You were not single, you were in a committed relationship. It's not just the lying, your actions there were wrong.
If this was me, I would have issues with you defending your Dad as well. No Dad should want to watch his son perform sex acts on a woman. You need to sit down with your wife and discuss how you will manage your personal and marital boundaries with your father in the future. You need to take charge and tell him that it was inappropriate and you expect him to respect your marriage from now on or he won't be a part of it.


----------



## Blondilocks

Since you and your wife have talked, how many bottles of Listerine has she gone through? Or did you withhold that 'kitty' info?


----------



## Blondilocks

I have to give you credit, though. Even with all the beatings you have taken on this thread, you keep coming back. Don't know if it's because you have the hide of a rhinoceros or you truly are one of the most self-absorbed posters of all time.


----------



## Quant

Blondilocks said:


> I have to give you credit, though. Even with all the beatings you have taken on this thread, you keep coming back. Don't know if it's because you have the hide of a rhinoceros or you truly are one of the most self-absorbed posters of all time.


It feels good to not be the number one narcissist on the forum anymore.


----------



## Blondilocks

Glad I could help.


----------



## Alpha

Too many self-righteous people on this forum. I say cut jkdood some slack. This event happened years ago and it shouldn't be a major issue with his wife. Yes, she can be pissed that he never told her about it, but not enough for her to want to move out and raise their baby herself.

Apologize, say it was stupid on your part and spoil her. And make sure none of it ever happens again.


----------



## Quant

Alpha said:


> Too many self-righteous people on this forum. I say cut jkdood some slack. This event happened years ago and it shouldn't be a major issue with his wife. Yes, she can be pissed that he never told her about it, but not enough for her to want to move out and raise their baby herself.
> 
> Apologize, say it was stupid on your part and spoil her. And make sure none of it ever happens again.


I agree in principle,but I think his lack of self awareness is the problem not the act itself.


----------



## jkdood

Blondilocks said:


> I have to give you credit, though. Even with all the beatings you have taken on this thread, you keep coming back. Don't know if it's because you have the hide of a rhinoceros or you truly are one of the most self-absorbed posters of all time.


I'm just trying to get my wife to talk to me again and our marriage be ok. If I have to take a beating before we get into counseling so be it. I don't care about what people think of me.


----------



## jkdood

Quant said:


> It feels good to not be the number one narcissist on the forum anymore.


If you're a narcissist how do you get on with your wife?


----------



## jkdood

Alpha said:


> Too many self-righteous people on this forum. I say cut jkdood some slack. This event happened years ago and it shouldn't be a major issue with his wife. Yes, she can be pissed that he never told her about it, but not enough for her to want to move out and raise their baby herself.
> 
> Apologize, say it was stupid on your part and spoil her. And make sure none of it ever happens again.


That is what I have been telling people including my wife but few people agree with me. Everyone says it is minimizing her. The party was about me and not her, even my SIL who told her agrees with this.


----------



## Quant

jkdood said:


> If you're a narcissist how do you get on with your wife?


I have self awareness and know that my ****y doucheness is just a act for my poor interior self image.


----------



## sh987

jkdood said:


> That is what I have been telling people including my wife but few people agree with me. Everyone says it is minimizing her. The party was about me and not her, *even my SIL who told her agrees with this.*


Too bad you're not married to her, eh?


----------



## thummper

Blondilocks said:


> Since you and your wife have talked, how many bottles of Listerine has she gone through? Or did you withhold that 'kitty' info?


Oooooooooooooo. Good one!


----------



## techmom

jkdood said:


> That is what I have been telling people including my wife but few people agree with me. Everyone says it is minimizing her. The party was about me and not her, even my SIL who told her agrees with this.


The person whose opinion matters is YOUR wife. Not your brother's wife, your mom, or any other female. Your wife. And the only way I see you getting back with your wife is by respecting her boundaries and respecting her. Badgering her about everybody else's opinions will not help. Coming from a family such as yours means that you do not understand boundaries, which will be important when you raise your new daughter. Your wife sees a train wreck coming, and she is trying to distance herself from your family. The last thing on earth she wants to do is introduce the baby to them, especially your dad.

You are a product of your upbringing, but this can be changed if you really want to put effort into this marriage. Evidently the only opinions you want to hear is how to get your wife to comply and come back home. Not happening. She wants sole custody and I don't blame her one bit. She is thinking about the welfare of the baby, it seems like you want to present the baby to dad to make him proud, regardless of the consequences. Regardless of how she needs to grow up encouraged to establish her boundaries, have a high self esteem and proud to be a woman.

You have no idea what a woman with healthy self esteem and strong sense of self looks or acts like, because the woman who raised you apparently had none. And you want to raise a daughter within this toxic mess?


----------



## techmom

The strippers at the party, they are someone's daughter, sister or mom. They are not just products to have one last hurrah with before you walk down the aisle. This is probably your wife's vviews as well. When you discuss this with her, what does she say? What does she say about issues such as this? How does she feel about strip clubs in general? Does she feel that they degrade women? Does she have feminist views?


----------



## Quant

techmom said:


> The strippers at the party, they are someone's daughter, sister or mom. They are not just products to have one last hurrah with before you walk down the aisle. This is probably your wife's vviews as well. When you discuss this with her, what does she say? What does she say about issues such as this? How does she feel about strip clubs in general? Does she feel that they degrade women? Does she have feminist views?


Strip clubs really have no bearing on feminism.IF you ever have a talk with a real pro stripper you might become a bit confused on who is the exploiter and the exploited. The reality is that strippers are rational beings who are maximizing their income by using their body as a commodity and feeding into male delusions to extract wealth.


----------



## techmom

I just stated my opinion, that's all. I was wondering if the OP's wife shares those views as well. 

As far as stripping goes, no little girl says to herself that she wants to be a stripper when she grows up. Women usually to that as a last resort, the ones who seem to enjoy it really have a low view on men. They consider them trash. I wonder how if someone views stripping as sexy and get turned on, you are getting turned on by someone who views you as trash?

It amazes me how men view sex in different situations. For the wife it is an expression of love, and the stripper it is not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Quant

techmom said:


> I just stated my opinion, that's all. I was wondering if the OP's wife shares those views as well.
> 
> As far as stripping goes, no little girl says to herself that she wants to be a stripper when she grows up. Women usually to that as a last resort, the ones who seem to enjoy it really have a low view on men. They consider them trash. I wonder how if someone views stripping as sexy and get turned on, you are getting turned on by someone who views you as trash?
> 
> It amazes me how men view sex in different situations. For the wife it is an expression of love, and the stripper it is not?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Most people don't grow up wanting to do most of what the end up doing for a living. Men are pretty mechanistic when it comes to sex,its mostly physical. I really have no interest in strippers might as well get a prostitute instead. Sex with my wife means something to me more than sex because I love my wife separate from her body. Strippers hate their customers like most people who work in customer service do.


----------



## Vega

jkdood said:


> That is what I have been telling people including my wife but *few people agree with me*. Everyone says it is minimizing her. The party was about me and not her, even my SIL who told her agrees with this.


Ever consider WHY so few people agree with you?


----------



## TiggyBlue

Alpha said:


> Too many self-righteous people on this forum. I say cut jkdood some slack. *This event happened years ago and it shouldn't be a major issue with his wife. Yes, she can be pissed that he never told her about it, but not enough for her to want to move out and raise their baby herself.*
> 
> Apologize, say it was stupid on your part and spoil her. And make sure none of it ever happens again.


That's not really for you or anyone else to say what his wife should or shouldn't do.


----------



## thummper

jkdood said:


> Everyone says it is minimizing her. *The party was about me and not her, even my SIL who told her agrees with this.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> Sorry, JK, but that's 100% wrong. You were supposed to be a couple, a man who loved AND RESPECTED his future wife. And you go off to a party and behave disgustingly. Who in the h3ll cares what your SIL thinks? She's in thick with your dad and the rest of your family. Of course she's going to think it's all ok. It's you and your wife, not her or any other member of your family (who would stoop to this type of disrespectful behavior) to figure out what you're going to do. And you're right. You shouldn't care what we on this site think about you and what you did. But you'd darn well better tune into what your wife thinks about what you did. I'm afraid it has changed her whole opinion of the man she married. Her new view of you and your family is definitely not admirable. I'm not sure how you're going to get yourself out of this mess. I really do hope you two can work things out. From what you've said, you seem to really love this lady and don't want to lose her. I guess my question is, how far are you willing to go to keep her from pulling the plug on your marriage?


----------



## Caribbean Man

techmom said:


> I just stated my opinion, that's all. I was wondering if the OP's wife shares those views as well.
> 
> As far as stripping goes, no little girl says to herself that she wants to be a stripper when she grows up. Women usually to that as a last resort, the ones who seem to enjoy it really have a low view on men. They consider them trash. I wonder how if someone views stripping as sexy and get turned on, you are getting turned on by someone who views you as trash?
> 
> It amazes me how men view sex in different situations. For the wife it is an expression of love, and the stripper it is not?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Strippers , prostitutes , and porn actresses are a complex subset of society. They tend to be experts at compartmentalization .

The way men views strippers is directly related to how a stripper views themselves and how they view men. 
A stripper views sex just like other women , but her views are a little more complex and nuanced . They view sex as a means to power , it makes them feel extremely powerful. They usually laugh at the rest of society because they'll tell you flat out ,it makes no sense working 9 - 5 for a salary when they could earn twice the amount you earn in one week , in a couple of hours.
But they face discrimination because of this. It is felt that they use sex to give them an unfair advantage.
There's a huge double standard in some societies regarding the sex for money trade. On one hand people say absolutely nothing's wrong with people having non committed casual sex with as many different partners as possible for whatever reason. Morality of the act depends on how you feel about it.

On the other hand they say that sex for money is immoral because it cheapens the act of sex.

So , if a woman does these acts for free and fun it's ok.
But if she does it in exchange for money or favors , it's not ok.

The reality is that sex is about power and dominance , the question is who holds that dominance. With strippers ,they hold the power . Sex has always been had in exchange of something. Be it love , security , food , shelter , money or whatever the person desires , whether tangible or intangible . That's one of the reasons prostitution has been dubbed as the " oldest known profession."
Love is free , but sometimes sex is currency.

However,the flip side is that strippers and others generally don't make good relationship partners because of their enormous capacity to compartmentalize sex .
Do they have self esteem issues?
Absolutely.
But who doesn't or who has never questioned their worth?
And if having sex doesn't change a persons value , then how does performing sex acts for money devalue a person?

Basically , that's a strippers rationale.


----------



## suesmith

Ok.. I have to reply to this. 

How old are you and how old is your wife. Exactly how long have you been married? 

Your wife not only feels betrayed by you, but also by your entire family. She has been the outsider on a family joke since you got married. She has probably considered your family, now, her family. And now.. she finds out that not only you, but all of them, have betrayed her. 

And you say that you have continued being unfaithful to her since you have been married? And you think its not a big deal and she should just forgive and forget it all? Ummm... I dont think so. 

If I were her, I wouldnt allow your family access to the baby either. Then again, I would be long gone from all of you.


----------



## Blondilocks

jkdood said:


> That is what I have been telling people including my wife but few people agree with me. Everyone says it is minimizing her. The party was about me and not her, *even my SIL who told her agrees with this*.


You've already made your wife the family fool and, now, you're deliberately pitting her against your family. Why? 

It doesn't matter if J.C. himself appeared from on high and gave you a high-five - the only person whose opinion matters is your wife. 

If your wife had wanted to lick some strippers vajayjay, she wouldn't have needed to do it second-hand via you. You removed that choice from her and lied by omission. The instant you kissed your wife afterwards the party became about her.

Stop trying to validate your actions. They were *wrong*!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

jkdood said:


> Alright I get it.[/Q]
> 
> Aside from what everyone has already pointed out, jkdood, please consider the following.
> 
> The REASON your wife is considering adopting the baby BY HERSELF and not allowing your family anywhere near her is because she's KNOWS that your family will NOT respect her decisions as the baby's mother. And she KNOWS that YOU will not back her up and side with her AGAINST your family and their ill-breeding.
> 
> Examples:
> 
> 1) Your wife (as baby's MOM) says, "Only feed her a 1/2 jar of the baby fruit because otherwise she'll get diarrhea." Your family would think NOTHING of feeding the baby the entire jar of baby fruit justifying it by saying, "She LOVED it so much and she wanted MORE!"
> 
> Meanwhile, your daughter is now sick with diarrhea, and your wife is justifiably ANGRY about them ignoring her explicit instructions (which she gave for GOOD REASON) and is now dealing with a sick child! Baby and mom have suffered because YOUR FAMILY can't respect their place and mom's boundaries.
> 
> 2) Wife (as baby's Mom) says, "Please don't buy baby-girl any Bratz dolls for her birthday or Xmas. They are trashy/trampy and not appropriate dolls for our daughter."
> 
> YOUR FAMILY would have NO PROBLEM buying her Bratz dolls either to SPITE your wife (because they think it's funny) OR because THEY like them and see nothing wrong with them. Again, YOUR FAMILY can't respect their place and mom's boundaries.
> 
> 3) Examples will only escalate as your daughter gets older. Will your family go against your wife's wishes (which should also be YOUR wishes as PRESUMABLY you're a partnership who jointly decides on your daughter's best interests) when it comes to inappropriate clothing, piercings, parties, covering for your daughter if she's lying to you and sneaking around (goes to a party with friends in HS, but 'claims' she's at Uncle Steve & Aunt Hannah's house...and they cover and agree she was there because you two are TOO UPTIGHT and reactionary, and forget what it was like to be young, and have a stick up you *ss, blah, blah, blah...).
> 
> GET THE PICTURE yet?
> 
> Since your wife believes that you have REPEATEDLY lied, shown her blatant disrespect, and that your family covers up your deceit, I can FULLY UNDERSTAND why she no longer wants to be married to you and why she doesn't want to raise a child with you and your family involved.
> 
> If you *still* cannot understand how LYING to your then-fiancée, going behind her back, hiding it, allowing your entire family to lie/cover up (thus making her look like a stupid fool for being the ONLY ONE who didn't understand the jokes/snickers all these years)...if you *still* don't get it, then NOTHING you say/do will EVER get your wife back home with you.
> 
> Not understanding the gravity of your misdeeds means you're SO INCOMPATIBLE with her that there is no longer any point in trying (as far as your wife is concerned).
> 
> 
> .


----------



## Dad&Hubby

*Re: My wife left*



jkdood said:


> Alright I did. I wouldn't care if she had a dance or licked whip cream off a guys nips but licking off his junk would bother me.


And how is this different from what you've done?

And keep in mind...you have much more "liberal boundaries" than your wife has. So amplify that "bad" feeling for someone with stricter boundaries.

In my household, what you did constitutes cheating. Worse than that, your father and family and friends PROMOTED this. 

Again, picture that hen party was hosted by your mother in law, and her sister/friends etc were there egging her on to polish a knob. How would you feel about the people who "pushed" her?

And here's the worst part for you to come to grips with...hypotheticals can NEVER remotely come close to reality in imagining what it feels like.


----------



## Vega

*Re: My wife left*



Dad&Hubby said:


> ...hypotheticals can NEVER remotely come close to reality in imagining what it feels like.


Yes, the OP obviously lacked the ability to _empathize_, otherwise, he wouldn't have done what he did and lied about it.


----------



## thummper

suesmith said:


> Ok.. I have to reply to this.
> 
> How old are you and how old is your wife. Exactly how long have you been married?
> 
> Your wife not only feels betrayed by you, but also by your entire family. She has been the outsider on a family joke since you got married. She has probably considered your family, now, her family. And now.. she finds out that not only you, but all of them, have betrayed her.
> 
> And you say that you have continued being unfaithful to her since you have been married? And you think its not a big deal and she should just forgive and forget it all? Ummm... I dont think so.
> 
> *If I were her, I wouldnt allow your family access to the baby either. Then again, I would be long gone from all of you.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> Well put, Sue. Well put!!!!! :toast: I did remember reading about the disgusting B-party, but I don't remember him saying he had continued being unfaithful. Which post was that in?


----------



## Starstarfish

> I did remember reading about the disgusting B-party, but I don't remember him saying he had continued being unfaithful. Which post was that in?


Several pages back he said ... 



> I have done things like this since. I emailed her and told her everything.


So no, this wasn't a one off bachelor party thing. The implication there is that this has happened at least more than once. Not sure if father and brothers were involved the other time(s) as well, as the OP hasn't said. But if they were, I think that gives greater insight into why the wife doesn't trust them.


----------



## vellocet

*Re: My wife left*



jkdood said:


> Alright I did. I wouldn't care if she had a dance or licked whip cream off a guys nips *but licking off his junk would bother me*.


Well that's what you did. And you still are shifty about what happened in the "private dance".

Why do you need a "private dance" at a party, that I'm assuming was at your dad's house or some other friend/relative?

Why do you need one when the idea is suppose to be that everyone participates and watches the so-called "fun"?

Answer, so you could do even more nasty things, get a blowjob, sex, whatever.


----------



## vellocet

jkdood said:


> He was trying to give me one last fling as a single guy.


You weren't single, you had a committed fiancé.

And if you feel the need for a last fling before getting married, then you don't need to be married. That is for people who understand what a commitment is and that its not only for married people.




> It was about me and not her.


I imagine everything is always about you and not her.




> I just never saw it as cheating and many guys don't that is why it happens so often at BP.


No, it happens so much at BPs because the future groom could give 2 shytes about his future brides feelings.


----------



## vellocet

jkdood said:


> Ok once and for all what hard questions do you want me to answer?


What exactly happened in your unnecessary private dance?

And does your wife now get a pass to go out with the girls to a strip bar and do the same thing as you did? Suck whip cream off a guy's member and get a private dance to do whatever she wants to him and him to her?


----------



## treyvion

vellocet said:


> What exactly happened in your unnecessary private dance?
> 
> And does your wife now get a pass to go out with the girls to a strip bar and do the same thing as you did? Suck whip cream off a guy's member and get a private dance to do whatever she wants to him and him to her?


It's not cheatin, because it's only a stripper...


----------



## vellocet

treyvion said:


> It's not cheatin, because it's only a stripper...


Then it won't be cheating if she goes off and sucks off a male stripper, and does everything he did with his stripper in the private "dance"


----------



## treyvion

vellocet said:


> Then it won't be cheating if she goes off and sucks off a male stripper, and does everything he did with his stripper in the private "dance"


that's how they look at it. In my perspective if what you did behind closed doors would offend, humiliate or upset your significant other then it's cheating.


----------



## jkdood

Alpha said:


> Too many self-righteous people on this forum. I say cut jkdood some slack. This event happened years ago and it shouldn't be a major issue with his wife. Yes, she can be pissed that he never told her about it, but not enough for her to want to move out and raise their baby herself.
> 
> Apologize, say it was stupid on your part and spoil her. And make sure none of it ever happens again.


By saying that you are minimizing her. It was about how she feels about it and I know when it happened it would have hurt her but I did it anyways. And you aren't the one who decides how we should feel about it. It's ok with some women like my mom and SIL but not with others like my wife. I'm finally coming to realize this.


----------



## jkdood

suesmith said:


> Ok.. I have to reply to this.
> 
> How old are you and how old is your wife. Exactly how long have you been married?
> 
> Your wife not only feels betrayed by you, but also by your entire family. She has been the outsider on a family joke since you got married. She has probably considered your family, now, her family. And now.. she finds out that not only you, but all of them, have betrayed her.
> 
> And you say that you have continued being unfaithful to her since you have been married? And you think its not a big deal and she should just forgive and forget it all? Ummm... I dont think so.
> 
> If I were her, I wouldnt allow your family access to the baby either. Then again, I would be long gone from all of you.


It wasn't really a joke. No one has mentioned the party since probably the wedding. It wasn't that important we kept it going. I never thought it was a big deal but apparently it is to her. And I'm trying to keep this anonymous but... we have been married over 10 years and we are in our mid and late 30's.


----------



## jkdood

*Re: My wife left*



vellocet said:


> Well that's what you did. And you still are shifty about what happened in the "private dance".
> 
> Why do you need a "private dance" at a party, that I'm assuming was at your dad's house or some other friend/relative?
> 
> Why do you need one when the idea is suppose to be that everyone participates and watches the so-called "fun"?
> 
> Answer, so you could do even more nasty things, get a blowjob, sex, whatever.


It was at my brother and SILs house. The one that told her. And in the private dance we did things I wouldn't have wanted anyone especially my dad to see.


----------



## 6301

treyvion said:


> It's not cheatin, because it's only a stripper...


 Why bother any longer. The guys an idiot and doesn't have any common sense. 15 pages of advice and he still doesn't get the message.


----------



## jkdood

6301 said:


> Why bother any longer. The guys an idiot and doesn't have any common sense. 15 pages of advice and he still doesn't get the message.


I am getting the message. Its hard to change your way of thinking and I am trying to.


----------



## thummper

*Re: My wife left*



jkdood said:


> It was at my brother and SILs house. The one that told her. And *in the private dance we did things I wouldn't have wanted anyone especially my dad to see*.


Why not? Sounds like he was *REALLY* into the whole sordid mess.


----------



## Starstarfish

> In my perspective if what you did behind closed doors would offend, humiliate or upset your significant other then it's cheating.


To be fair, The Life of Brian would probably offend, humiliate, and upset my SO because of his religious upbringing, but I'll likely still watch it when he's not home. Does this mean I'm cheating on him with Monty Python?

I'm just saying there's a line somewhere and broad scopes can be as much of a problem as narrow ones.


----------



## browneyes74

The fact that you can't even say what you did in the private dance in an anonymous online forum chills me.. 

What scares me even more, is given that fact, you still think you have done nothing wrong and didn't cheat on your then fiance, now wife..


----------



## techmom

Caribbean Man said:


> Strippers , prostitutes , and porn actresses are a complex subset of society. They tend to be experts at compartmentalization .
> 
> The way men views strippers is directly related to how a stripper views themselves and how they view men.
> A stripper views sex just like other women , but her views are a little more complex and nuanced . They view sex as a means to power , it makes them feel extremely powerful. They usually laugh at the rest of society because they'll tell you flat out ,it makes no sense working 9 - 5 for a salary when they could earn twice the amount you earn in one week , in a couple of hours.
> But they face discrimination because of this. It is felt that they use sex to give them an unfair advantage.
> There's a huge double standard in some societies regarding the sex for money trade. On one hand people say absolutely nothing's wrong with people having non committed casual sex with as many different partners as possible for whatever reason. Morality of the act depends on how you feel about it.
> 
> On the other hand they say that sex for money is immoral because it cheapens the act of sex.
> 
> So , if a woman does these acts for free and fun it's ok.
> But if she does it in exchange for money or favors , it's not ok.
> 
> The reality is that sex is about power and dominance , the question is who holds that dominance. With strippers ,they hold the power . Sex has always been had in exchange of something. Be it love , security , food , shelter , money or whatever the person desires , whether tangible or intangible . That's one of the reasons prostitution has been dubbed as the " oldest known profession."
> Love is free , but sometimes sex is currency.
> 
> However,the flip side is that strippers and others generally don't make good relationship partners because of their enormous capacity to compartmentalize sex .
> Do they have self esteem issues?
> Absolutely.
> But who doesn't or who has never questioned their worth?
> And if having sex doesn't change a persons value , then how does performing sex acts for money devalue a person?
> 
> Basically , that's a strippers rationale.


How is this different from when a woman snags a man who is a good provider and marries him even though she is not sexually attracted to him? I see no difference.


----------



## jkdood

browneyes74 said:


> The fact that you can't even say what you did in the private dance in an anonymous online forum chills me..
> 
> What scares me even more, is given that fact, you still think you have done nothing wrong and didn't cheat on your then fiance, now wife..


If you really want to hear it I will tell you. Nipple suck, fingering her and h.j. I see now the problems it is causing. I really hurt my wife.


----------



## thummper

jkdood said:


> If you really want to hear it I will tell you. Nipple suck, fingering her and h.j. *I see now the problems **it is causing. I really hurt my wife*.


Amen, brother. You finally got it. :thumbup:


----------



## NeverMore

jkdood said:


> If you really want to hear it I will tell you. Nipple suck, fingering her and h.j. *I see now the problems it is causing. I really hurt my wife.*


Yes, because you cheated. Glad you're starting to come around.


----------



## techmom

jkdood said:


> If you really want to hear it I will tell you. Nipple suck, fingering her and h.j. I see now the problems it is causing. I really hurt my wife.


Lord have mercy....


----------



## browneyes74

Okay, but let's flip it.. If your wife confessed that she got drunk one night at a bar and went home with some guy, and he sucked her nipples, fingered her and she gave him a hand job, would you consider that cheating?

I'm willing to bet you would.. I don't understand how b/c you PAID a woman to do this to you, that it makes it not cheating. 

I'm going to hazard a guess, that for your wife, and a lot of other women, that the act of PAYING for it makes it WORSE in her eyes, and not better.. 


I'm going to say this as nicely and gently as I can. I really think you need individual counseling as well as marital counseling. You are only "getting it" NOW, after 16 pages of strangers hammering you that THIS is NOT normal, nor is it right, and your wife has a right to feel betrayed. 

If you did this last week with a woman you met at a bar, it would be considered cheating, don't you think? You can't compartmentalize life like that. 

And, yes, if your family disrespected your beginning marriage with blatantly disregarding your wife's wishes, then yes, I understand why she doesn't want to raise a child with you. B/c they, and YOU, are going to blatantly disregard and disrespect her as a mother too. Your sister in law has shown us all that, don't you think?


----------



## F-102

Okay, jkd, it seems that you are finally "getting it".

Now on to the next issue: how do you propose to fix this?


----------



## vellocet

jkdood said:


> If you really want to hear it I will tell you. Nipple suck, fingering her and h.j. I see now the problems it is causing. I really hurt my wife.


Yup, you cheated. End of story. This wasn't "just" a stripper, she performed acts on you. Therefore she is a wh0re.

So when do you plan on telling your wife what you just told us above?


----------



## bobbieb65

[QUOTENipple suck, fingering her and h.j.[/QUOTE]

That qualifies as a sexual encounter in our marriage, and has, many times. You need to tell your wife so she can get tested for STD's. Oh and you may want to get tested, too. Just because they look hot and smell clean doesn't mean they are disease free.

After that's done, you can ask/beg for forgiveness and begin to repair your marriage.


----------



## catfan

Every person has different morals. When people get into a relationship, they have to find a balance between those morals, if they are very different. Your wife knew about the wild bachelor parties and for her morals (and many other people) what happens there is cheating. So she did the right thing and asked to not have such a party and this way not get her boundries crossed.

Now she found out what really happened then and also found out the following:

- your morals don't match at all and you don't want to balance them out with her
- you had sexual interactions with a prostitute, aka you cheated
- you (and your family) lied about it to her for 10 years
- your family disrespects her personal boundries and things she is the one with a problem
- you and her family have morals she doesn't want a child to grow up with

That is a bad situation to decide to adopt a child. Better figure all this out, see if you both can work together, if not, just go your own way and not hurt eachother and even a kid through this...


----------



## Rev. Clonn

So your wife feels that you:
Disregarded her feelings,
Did something she specifically asked you not to do,
Lied to her about it,
Snuck around her to do it,
Got your family involved by planning to hide the things that she abhors from her,
continued to lie about it for over 10 years,
and did it all so you and your kith and Kin could " have fun" without her.
So what s the worst part, the sex acts, the sneaking, the collusion, or the lies. 
Ongoing continuing lies, that make he feel as if she is not a part of your family.
I am sure in her view YOU Decided she is not part of that family and as disgusted as she is by the whole thing I would guess she doesn't want to be part of your family.
Man up, bite the bullet, learn from your mistakes and move on. Perhaps your next wife will be more like your sister in law.


----------



## raven3321

OK. Let's get down to the nitty-gritty.

Go get your wife and let nothing stand in your way. You need to be very remorseful....extremely so. Unless you've been a total jerk in your marriage, she still loves you. She's hurt. Go un-hurt her. Be completely and totally honest with her and tell her you screwed up. Let he know you brushed aside her feelings and didn't validate her opinion. Tell her you'll do whatever it takes to make it right and mean it. Then ask her what you need to do. But by all means be contrite. Also suggest couples counseling if she feels there are things in the marriage that need addressing. But by all means pay attention to her and do it now......or else someone else will.

We don't want to see you in the "Coping with Infidelity" threads.


----------



## thummper

You might be able to work out something between you two, but from what you've written, it's not just you she has issues with: It's your whole family, particularly your dad. It sounds like she is totally disgusted with him and his ideas of "good, family fun." And I think she's completely sincere when she states very firmly that she doesn't want him anywhere near the child you are adopting. That being the case, how will you deal with this? Since you obviously feel strongly about your family, and she feels nothing but disgust for them and wants no contact with them, this might be an un-fixable situation. It's not likely that you will forever shun your family, and she'll never trust them again. Sorry, but I guess your dad should have listened when she asked that your "party" not be wild and crazy. This all could have been so easily avoided, but he just *had* to have it his way. One wonders if he feels any regret about his part in this fiasco, or does he believe it's all her problem and if she's still pissed about it, oh well, tough!


----------



## jkdood

thummper said:


> You might be able to work out something between you two, but from what you've written, it's not just you she has issues with: It's your whole family, particularly your dad. It sounds like she is totally disgusted with him and his ideas of "good, family fun." And I think she's completely sincere when she states very firmly that she doesn't want him anywhere near the child you are adopting. That being the case, how will you deal with this? Since you obviously feel strongly about your family, and she feels nothing but disgust for them and wants no contact with them, this might be an un-fixable situation. It's not likely that you will forever shun your family, and she'll never trust them again. Sorry, but I guess your dad should have listened when she asked that your "party" not be wild and crazy. This all could have been so easily avoided, but he just *had* to have it his way. One wonders if he feels any regret about his part in this fiasco, or does he believe it's all her problem and if she's still pissed about it, oh well, tough!


They think she is over reacting. He will never apologize.


----------



## thummper

And that's the tragedy, isn't it? In her mind it's NOT an over-reaction, so I don't see this situation ending well for you. Ultimately, you're going to have to take sides, and I think I know which side that will be.


----------



## Blondilocks

It's doubtful his apology would mean much anyway. You're her husband - you broke this, you fix it or get on with your life without her.


----------



## vellocet

jkdood said:


> They think she is over reacting. He will never apologize.


They think she is overreacting to them setting their son up to cheat on his wife after your dad promised they wouldn't do that?

If I was your wife I wouldn't want an apology from someone like your father. Sorry, but he sounds like a snake and a pervert and I wouldn't want my child around him either.


----------



## catfan

I wonder how things are now between them?


----------



## forgiven

Man.. if you really love her you will come fully clean with her. Women want full open honesty. She will handle it better than you think. she will be relieved to know what really happened. Right now her imagination is probably filling in the blanks and they are worse than the truth! 
My wife had been soo sure I was having an affair, then I got caught in crossdressing and masturbating myself into a frenzy, even though my wife was mad as hell, she was relieved to know that it wasn't another woman and I haven't done it since. We are working it out slowly and I know now to just tell it like it is.


----------



## jkdood

catfan said:


> I wonder how things are now between them?


We are living together she doesn't really talk to me and doesn't look at me much. She doesn't really look at me and she gets pissed if I touch her. We have marriage counseling soon.


----------



## thummper

Good luck, JK, I really mean that. I hope you two can find some common ground.


----------



## jkdood

jkdood said:


> We are living together she doesn't really talk to me and doesn't look at me much. She doesn't really look at me and she gets pissed if I touch her. We have marriage counseling soon.


So can anyone give some insight as to why she won't look at me or touch me, or gets mad when I touch her? I know it's because she is mad but I can't understand why she won't even look directly at me.


----------



## forgiven

jkdood said:


> So can anyone give some insight as to why she won't look at me or touch me, or gets mad when I touch her? I know it's because she is mad but I can't understand why she won't even look directly at me.


Are you really that selfish and dumb? You want all the sex favors and you give her what for security? Marriage? Committment? Fidelity? Honesty? Open Communication?
Have you tried affirming that you love her and are committed to her? that you love her inconditionally? That you are willing to commit? If not, tell her you are a jerk and you don't love her and walk away!


----------



## Starstarfish

jkdood said:


> So can anyone give some insight as to why she won't look at me or touch me, or gets mad when I touch her? I know it's because she is mad but I can't understand why she won't even look directly at me.


I'm going to go with she's disgusted, and every time she looks at you, she envisions you fingering that stripper. What she's learned has fundamentally changed how she sees you, and makes her feel like she's lived a lie all these years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FizzBomb

Starstarfish said:


> she envisions you fingering that stripper.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, but we don't know if jkdood has told his wife about the mutual masturbation session with the prostitute, or any other details. I mean he took what? 10+ pages to finally tell an anonymous group on the internet what went on in the private room session.

Jkdood, has your wife got ALL of the details?


----------



## Quant

Whats the point of this thread? Clear case of a un-self-aware narcissist or sociopath.


----------



## Quant

techmom said:


> How is this different from when a woman snags a man who is a good provider and marries him even though she is not sexually attracted to him? I see no difference.


I see no problem with that arrangement so....


----------



## jkdood

FizzBomb said:


> Yes, but we don't know if jkdood has told his wife about the mutual masturbation session with the prostitute, or any other details. I mean he took what? 10+ pages to finally tell an anonymous group on the internet what went on in the private room session.
> 
> Jkdood, has your wife got ALL of the details?


She has an awful lot of details. I will tell her the truth if she asks.


----------



## Blondilocks

JK, you don't want to play the game of trickle-truth. Each time you leak another tidbit it will be another devastating discovery day for her. By doing this, you are protecting yourself - not her. 

Get your thoughts together and tell her everything until it is all out or she asks you to stop. She needs to know if she can accept what you have done and make an informed decision for herself. 

You can't build a new marriage on lies.


----------



## techmom

jkdood said:


> So can anyone give some insight as to why she won't look at me or touch me, or gets mad when I touch her? I know it's because she is mad but I can't understand why she won't even look directly at me.


This may mean that she is on her way out of this marriage. Evidently whatever you are doing is not working. Are you taking the advice of posters who say to tell her the ENTIRE truth? Everything that you did with the stripper? Because if you are avoiding telling her the truth and trickle truthing it can be damaging.

All of the time you spent defending your dad and other family members in this debacle has eroded her love and trust in you. She may feel that she has lived a lie over the past 10 years. At this point you better hope she goes to the counseling. She may just go to the counselor and say screw it. Because with the lack of insight you have shown in this thread I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for her to get her point across to you and to get you to understand why she feels the way she does.

I emphasize with her.


----------



## catfan

*Re: Re: my wife walked out*



jkdood said:


> She has an awful lot of details. I will tell her the truth if she asks.


Don't hide stuff, it will come out some day and break anything you might build up now in therapy. Take the chance to come clean and have a decent fresh and honest start.


----------



## techmom

jkdood said:


> She has an awful lot of details. I will tell her the truth if she asks.


You need to man up, pull up your big boy drawers and tell her the entire truth regardless if she asks or not. She is not going to ask anything because I seriously doubt if she trusts anything that comes out of your mouth. You have lied to her for over 10 years. Think about this. You and your family lied for over 10 years. And you have used their opinions to justify what you did at the bachelor party. The same bachelor party that she didn't want you to have and she stated this clearly beforehand.

Do you know what this all means? This means that, from her perspective, you value your family's words over hers. So, why should she talk to you? Why should she behave like a wife to you? And also, why should she stay married to you?


----------



## thummper

JK, I empathize with what you're going through. It looks like an uphill battle all the way. You sound like you really love your family, and right now all of the feelings your wife has for them are bad. She feels betrayed by them, particularly your dad, and others in your family who knew how she felt and didn't say anything. She firmly let it be known that she didn't want this crazy bachelor party in the first place. And then to find out what really went down at the party and your participation in it, it's almost too much for her. In her mind you have completely sided with them and did not take her concerns into account. It's led to this. I don't know how you're going to handle it since you're quite family-oriented, and she feels nothing but disgust for them. If the marriage is going to survive, you're going to need to lay your soul bare. Sit with her and have a real heart-to-heart. See if there isn't* some* way for a compromise, although I think that her resolve to NOT allow any contact between your adopted child and your father is set in stone. I don't see her budging on that.  I'm pulling so hard for you two. I hate to see marriages blow up. All my good wishes go to both of you.


----------



## vellocet

jkdood said:


> So can anyone give some insight as to why she won't look at me or touch me, or gets mad when I touch her?


Because she knows about that nasty a$$ things you did with the wh0re.

Do you really wonder why after what you did??




> I know it's because she is mad but I can't understand why she won't even look directly at me.


After I found out my x-wife cheated, all I could see was "CHEATER" written across her forehead and it made me sick to my stomach to look at her.


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## lifeistooshort

She doesn't look at you because she thinks you're a dirty pos. Hope the fun and wh0res were worth it, because you don't seem to have completely made up your mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper

Any updates on progress between you and your wife, JK?


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## Lefacade

You want to get her back home? Then come clean, tell her what you did. Tell her why you lied about it. Basically be truthful to her and let her decide if she wants to come back. Try to set boundaries and expectations for the future and hope she will agree to them and then live by them.

One other thing you said "if she asks you will tell her the details." Just go to her and lay it all out. Don't wait for her to ask. Be proactive in trying to save your marriage. Tell her everything and say I'm telling you all of this because it is the only way you can forgive me and it's the only chance we have of getting past it.


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## SurpriseMyself

jkdood said:


> Besides I am done rehashing this. We have a baby coming in 2-3 months and she isn't living with me. I got to get her to stop this and come home.


Good luck! "I got to get her to stop this?" You want her to just shut up, see the error in her ways, and let this go? Wow. 

I think she's left because she knows how immature you really are. You don't take responsibility for your own actions, obviously, and want her to just get over it.


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## SurpriseMyself

You dreamt of this party like girls' dream of their wedding? Please do not adopt. Please! You aren't father material.


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## SurpriseMyself

jkdood said:


> They think she is over reacting. He will never apologize.


Of course he won't apologize! Sorry to say, but your father sounds like a male chauvinist. He disrespected your soon to be wife, disrespects the institution of marriage, and will likely never change.

You can either be like your dad or pick a different path. It's up to you.


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## jkdood

ebp123 said:


> You dreamt of this party like girls' dream of their wedding? Please do not adopt. Please! You aren't father material.


Stopping the adoption now about a month before the baby arrives is the cruelest thing I could ever do to her. She started loving this child when we started the process. It's best we take another path and make it work out.


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## vellocet

jkdood said:


> Stopping the adoption now about a month before the baby arrives is the cruelest thing I could ever do to her. She started loving this child when we started the process. It's best we take another path and make it work out.


The only way is to never have any kind of sexual contact with another woman again. No more strippers, wh0res, not even going to a strip club with a group of guys just to watch. You f####d that up. Its over.


And yes, your letch of a father needs to apologize for promising your wife he wouldn't arrange a sex party for you, then doing it with eagerness and even lathering the ho up for you.


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## jkdood

And yes, your letch of a father needs to apologize for promising your wife he wouldn't arrange a sex party for you, then doing it with eagerness and even lathering the ho up for you.[/QUOTE]


I have no control over what my dad does. He will never apologize especially now that she walked out on me. Maybe I should tell them to lighten up with her.


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## vellocet

jkdood said:


> I have no control over what my dad does. He will never apologize especially now that she walked out on me. Maybe I should tell them to lighten up with her.


Oh, so he won't apologize BECAUSE she walked out on you? Really?

He was willing to apologize before that? I don't think so. Not only did he break his promise to her, he egged your behavior on, got the ho nice and ready for you and everything. He might as well have grabbed your d!ck and put it in her mouth.

"lightening up" isn't going to do squat. He blatantly disrespected her. If he isn't going to apologize for that, then I don't think anyone here can blame her for not wanting her new child to be around such a man.

So keep on defending his behavior. While you are at it, tell your wife that your family, and yourself, are no good for her and you wouldn't blame her for leaving for good.


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## PHTlump

jkdood said:


> Stopping the adoption now about a month before the baby arrives is the cruelest thing I could ever do to her. She started loving this child when we started the process. It's best we take another path and make it work out.


Personally, I'm more concerned with the child's well being than your wife's.

You need to talk to your wife. If she's simply going through the motions until you adopt, then plans to divorce you and stick you with child support for 18 years, while raising the child as a single mother, it would be better for all involved, especially the child, to delay this until she has decided whether she wants to be married to you, or not.

As you know, there is no shortage of stable, two-parent households who want to adopt children. The child you are in line to adopt deserves no less than one of those households.

Good luck.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

jkdood said:


> She has an awful lot of details. I will tell her the truth if she asks.


So are you telling us that unless she SPECIFICALLY ASKS, "Did you suck her nipples?" you're not going to tell her.

"Did you finger her?" you're not going to tell her.

Let me guess, you're expecting her to ask, "Did you eff her?" To which you will TRUTHFULLY (and no doubt proudly) reply, "No, I did not eff her!"

...then tell yourself...'I didn't lie...she didn't ASK if I sucked her nipples; she didn't ASK if I gave her a hand job!"

What are you SERIOUSLY expecting her to do? List 438 different SPECIFIC sex acts and if she doesn't hit on all the exact ones you did, you don't have to 'fess up?

BE A MAN for once! Tell her the WHOLE, UGLY, NASTY, truth BEFORE she has to ASK YOU to tell the truth and quit frickin' lying to her (either directly or by omission...either way it's still LYING).

Tell her THE WHOLE UNVARNISHED TRUTH and let her DECIDE if you're WORTHY to stay in her life. You owe her that; you owe her some TRUTH for once in your miserable relationship. You owe her the CHOICE to make up her own mind once she knows ALL the facts (including ALL the cheating you've done on her).

You're the one who's screwed-the-pooch (and perhaps some other people) in this relationship. YOU do not get to decide whether this relationship continues...SHE does because YOU'RE THE CHEATER!


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## Philat

_I have no control over what my dad does. He will never apologize especially now that she walked out on me. Maybe I should tell them to lighten up with her. _

And maybe if you stand behind your wife and stop making excuses for the sleazy old man she might bring herself to feel less than disgusted at the thought of you touching her.


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## love=pain

First it is your job to set the boundaries and the attitude your family has towards your wife, they will never respect her if you don't and by going against her wishes you proved that you don't to everyone.
You must make a decision who is more important to you? To me when you marry someone they go to the top of the list and family moves down a notch when the kids come along the same thing. You would never put your family ahead of your child would you?
My advice sit your Dad and family down and lay it out "I was wrong to go against her wishes and I need to make this right with her for the sake of my marriage and child" "I want you to be a part of our lives but I cannot and will not be a part of any behavior that jeopardizes my marriage""My wife and child are the most important things in the world to me and I would appreciate it if you treated them as such" Then make sure they abide by the standard you set and if they don't stand up for your wife and demand they do if they still can't then they can't be in your life.

I don't know something like that, don't blame anyone but yourself your dad didn't hold you down you were a willing participant, you are a man and should have respected your fiance's(at the time) wishes.

Finally I am bothered by the comment " I did a lot of stuff and it was a long time ago at my party before we were married and we were different people" being married shouldn't change who you are or your moral compass. You didn't break up with your girlfriend on the church steps before your wedding did you? You were in a committed relationship that's why you were getting married in the first place. I am sure it was posted but if your fiance licked the whip cream off of some some strippers banana you would be pretty pissed off let alone messing around with 4 of them.
I wonder how this post would sound if the tables were reversed and you were the one hurt.


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## RoyR

You are acting just like a politician after a Scandal.

TELL HER THE WHOLE STORY TRUTHFULLY. More you hide, more you look guilty.

BTW, cancel the marriage for sure. Your wife is way, way too uptight anyway...This marriage is doomed. Your wife has a severe self confidence issues which will get worse.


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## Starstarfish

RoyR said:


> You are acting just like a politician after a Scandal.
> 
> TELL HER THE WHOLE STORY TRUTHFULLY. More you hide, more you look guilty.
> 
> BTW, cancel the marriage for sure. Your wife is way, way too uptight anyway...This marriage is doomed. Your wife has a severe self confidence issues which will get worse.


What about not expecting an intended spouse to perform sex acts with others makes you insecure and uptight?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catfan

*Re: Re: my wife walked out*



Starstarfish said:


> What about not expecting an intended spouse to perform sex acts with others makes you insecure and uptight?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So indeed, to be an insecure wife, you have to accept that your partner is having sex with prostitutes....???? I think she has every right to be upset and shows that she is very secure about her morals.


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## jkdood

I was kicked off of here for a while because I told they guy who insulted my wife what a jerk he is. I take 20 pages of abuse and he can't take one comment without crying to a moderator. Who knows if he will have me kicked off again so respond quickly. For the record, my wife doesn't have self-confidence issues.


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## vellocet

jkdood said:


> For the record, my wife doesn't have self-confidence issues.


I would say so. She stands up for herself quite nicely and justifiably. Sounds like she isn't going to take any shyte.


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## Rags

Looks like the same old problem we see in various guises:

A Lie

A lie -> no trust

Very hard to love and respect someone you don't trust.
Lies are toxic, and the compounding problem of Trickle-Truth(tm) mean that what could have been one lie becomes lots of lies, and each one reopens the wounds and causes a while fresh round of pain.

This following is all in the perspective of trying to see things from her side (tricky, since all we have to go on is what we've been told - but here goes - and remember, it's not an attack on you personally, although it might seem so; it's an exercise in trying to understand another's perspective - perception is reality, as it pertains to how we act.)


Essentially you cheated on her (whether you consider it so or not is irrelevant - she appears to see it that way) and then lied about it for a decade, with the full collusion of your family.

So, when she discovers that, how does it make her feel, and how does it make her feel about you?

Think about it for a moment - you aren't the person she thought she'd married.

You also broke a promise to her, by having the party when you'd promised not to. In a marriage, your relationship with your spouse is more important that your relationship with anyone else - including your parents. Hurting your father's feelings should have been a minor consideration compared with your wife's.

So, who is this person she married? She doesn't know exactly, but what she does know doesn't look at that great.
Not only that, but she's possibly disgusted with herself that was fooled all this time.

--------------

Ok, harsh, but it's not unlikely, I feel.

So, what do you do about it?

Well, firstly, do you actually want to be the man she thought she'd married?
If you do, the way is, I think, own up that you were wrong. The man she thought she'd married wouldn't have done those things, wouldn't have lied about it, and hurt her so. But having done something wrong, he would admit it, he would say sorry, he would be sorry, and he wouldn't make excuses.
She likely feels she can't trust you, and that's understandable - it will never improve unless she thinks she knows everything, and that you understand how much it hurts her.
There's no guarantee that doing this will make everything better - but it's a safe bet that not doing will result in things getting worse.

It may be too late already. Some wounds don't heal properly, and some don't heal at all - especially if they've been allowed to fester. Sometimes they're fatal.
Not lancing this festering wound will more than likely be fatal to your marriage though.

Do you think you were wrong?
If you don't, then it might well be that you aren't who she thought she'd married after all, and maybe she really doesn't want you any more.

Hope it works out for you.


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## F-102

Tell me, jk, what would happen if you found a text on her phone from a guy who said "Will never forget the other night, wink wink..."

What would YOU think? Would you think:

a) She told a joke about the boss that was the funniest they'd ever heard.

b) She's cheating!

I strongly suspect that you would suspect b...and have the royal sh*t fit that accompanies that.


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## Caribbean Man

Rags said:


> *Well, firstly, do you actually want to be the man she thought she'd married?
> If you do, the way is, I think, own up that you were wrong. The man she thought she'd married wouldn't have done those things, wouldn't have lied about it, and hurt her so. But having done something wrong, he would admit it, he would say sorry, he would be sorry, and he wouldn't make excuses.*
> 
> *Do you think you were wrong?
> If you don't, then it might well be that you aren't who she thought she'd married after all, and maybe she really doesn't want you any more.*
> 
> Hope it works out for you.


:iagree:

After being on this thread for awhile, I think the OP [ Jkdood ] is afraid to confess to his wife.
I'm wondering if there's much more than what he's mentioned here.

He thinks he'll appear weak , and he is also afraid she rejects him a second time.

He's rationalizing stuff in his head trying to find a way around having to humble himself in front of his wife, and still face possible rejection.


Time is slipping away Jkdood!.


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## jkdood

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> After being on this thread for awhile, I think the OP [ Jkdood ] is afraid to confess to his wife.
> I'm wondering if there's much more than what he's mentioned here.
> 
> He thinks he'll appear weak , and he is also afraid she rejects him a second time.
> 
> He's rationalizing stuff in his head trying to find a way around having to humble himself in front of his wife, and still face possible rejection.
> 
> 
> Time is slipping away Jkdood!.


We are in therapy Caribbean Man. It's not easy but I want to make it work out.


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## Caribbean Man

jkdood said:


> We are in therapy Caribbean Man. It's not easy but I want to make it work out.



Well,
I'm glad to hear that you all are in marriage counselling.

I'm sory , I didn't see it before, I just posted thinking things were the same.

If things go well , then most likely she would be back with you.
But you must recognize that it cannot be business as usual.

What separates men from boys is taking full responsibility for one's mistakes and facing the consequences.
Never try to cover up and justify your wrongdoing.
Always be upfront and open with your wife and insist the same for her, it is the only way to be successful in the future.

And if things don't work out after you all are finished with marriage counseling , then at least make sure to learn from your mistakes , so that your future relationships will be better.


Best wishes to you and your wife Jk!


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