# Immature Spouse



## md88 (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi All,

I am 24 and my husband is 26. I have two children from a previous marriage, and we just had a baby seven weeks ago. I was a single mother for a few years, so I am use to the responsibility of taking care of a family. However, it seems like being married to him is like having a fourth child. First, he refuses to pick any type of a career. I told him that I do not mind being the only person working as long as he is working towards a career. For example, if he is taking college courses to learn a profession. However, he will not pick anything that is feasible. At first, he said he wanted to be a sports commentator :scratchhead: ... but that could be a little doable, I guess. Now, he wants to become an actor  . . I'm trying to be supportive, but that is a little stupid to me. He says that he has to take risks in life, he doesn't want to think "what if." That is fine and everything, but we have three small children, now is definitely not the time to take risk. I have tried talking to him about it, and communicating my viewpoint, but he just thinks I'm telling him that he is a loser. I try to point out that the odds of becoming an major actor at this point are pretty ridiculous. However, he states that he has seen documentaries on TV where other people have done it, like Vin Diesel or Robert De Niro . I understand that some people have beat the odds, but these are people that were exceptional or that got extremely lucky; that is why he can see them on TV. He thinks he has acting abilities, because he was good at it in High School, and he can make people laugh. Trying to be supportive, I told him to take a acting class at night to test it. He does not want to take acting classes, he just wants to go and try out for a role  . I told him he needs to be doing something productive, and he needs to be working. I do not believe that a man should just sit around at home, while his wife is working. He said if I get a good job, then we should be fine.

He is also highly irresponsible. He is enrolled in college courses, but never does his homework, I have to help him so that He doesn't fail. He never had a driver's license up to the age of 26, I had to push him to get that done. He stays up late watching TV or playing video games, then sleeps in until 10:00 or 11:00. Then he wakes up and continues to watch TV. The only time he gets out the house is to go to the GYM, he is obsessed with looking good. He reminds me of a teenager perhaps, definitely not a grown man with a family.

Aside from that, he is also disrespectful. He says things that are hurtful then acts like nothing has happened. Like last night, we had an argument about him wanting to act. He told me I kept saying the same things over and over, and that I needed to go in the room and stop talking. Then three hours later, he tries to come and have sex with me, that is stupid.

Am I over reacting, or should I just move on? I feel like he is a complete idiot, I have lost almost all of my respect for him.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I guess reality TV has shown that you can be a completely talentless hack and still make it to the small screen, albeit temporarily. Thats still a long shot. Most real actors have real jobs because most acting gigs don't pay that well. Same goes for stand-up comedians. Your H is being a doofus. Does he think that some "talent scout" from Hollywood Is going to be scouting his gym for the next action star?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why did you marry him? How long did you date before you married him? I doubt this flakiness just popped out if nowhere...

C
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## md88 (Apr 11, 2013)

We dated for about 8 months before we got married. We have been married for six months. However, he was not completely honest. I told him on the first date that I was looking for a partner with goal in life. I have children, so I have to be with someone responsible. He told me he wanted to be a History teacher, and that he already had a degree in teaching. Come to find out after we got married, that was a complete lie, he only has a high school diploma. However, since we were already married, I tried to work with him to get some sort of an education. He has went through the following phase: teacher, physical therapist, sports commentator, and now acting.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ok, so here's my take... He is who he is. He's not likely to change. It's time to start laying down some boundaries for yourself and enforcing them. 

In the meantime... You need to take ownership of your role in all this. You married someone after dating for 8 months when you've got two small children to be responsible for. You've enabled your husband's behaviors by tolerating it. You likely ignored all sorts of big red flags in your 8 month courtship. If, heaven forbid, you get out of this marriage and end up as a single mom with 3 kids to be responsible for, you have to learn from these mistakes or you'll just do it all over again. 

C
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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

md88 as someone who exh is totally immature, sat on his a$$ jobless for two years while refusing to watch our son more than one day a week just playing video games all day, while i worked and pretty much took care of everything. Let me tell you he is mostly likely not going to suddenly become responsible, unless he wants to. The fact that he lied to you before you got married about what is education is, big red flag. The best thing you can do for yourself is not make your life harder by having to take care of a 4th grown up child. I would move on with your life...


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## md88 (Apr 11, 2013)

I do take ownership in this, I made a huge mistake. I was in love with him, and I did not think clearly about anything. I think that this situation is my fault, I was just wondering if there was anyway to salvage this mistake. I did not want to get divorced a second time, but I don't think I can work through this situation.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Yeah. To be blunt, he's a coward for not telling you his real educational status, a liar for making up that story, and a thief for refusing to help support your family. And not only is he not remorseful, he thinks you're not being supportive. Cut him loose!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Whoa! He lied right from the start. I would of stopped dating as soon as I found that out. Your h will never quit the lying.

Move on. He's not going to change. I imagine you married because you were pregnant thinking this was the right thing to do.


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## md88 (Apr 11, 2013)

I doubt that he will change. Two days ago, he told me that he will never get a 9 to 5 job, it is not for him. I care about him as a person, even if we do not stay together, he is the father of my child. I just did not understand how he intends to survive on his own. He is currently on unemployment, but that only lasts so long. I am was on unemployment as well while I was pregnant, but I also took college classes for my master's degree at the same time. Now even though I just had a baby seven weeks ago, I am looking for a job. I know that I need to support my family, even if I can't spent a lot of quality time with my newborn as a result. He told me "if we weren't together that he would get a job doing whatever to support himself, and that he would have to step up." That does not make any sense, so while he has a family he feels no obligation to work, but if he was single he would get a job to survive? Am I missing something?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

md88 said:


> I do take ownership in this, I made a huge mistake. I was in love with him, and I did not think clearly about anything. I think that this situation is my fault, I was just wondering if there was anyway to salvage this mistake. I did not want to get divorced a second time, but I don't think I can work through this situation.


There is nothing you can salvage. You can not trust someone who lies.

I'm really sorry for all of this. Divorce looks like your best option.


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## md88 (Apr 11, 2013)

Yes, I'minlovewithmyhubby, that was one of the main factors for marrying him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Whoa! He lied right from the start. I would of stopped dating as soon as I found that out. Your h will never quit the lying.
> 
> Move on. He's not going to change. I imagine you married because you were pregnant thinking this was the right thing to do.


She found out he lied about his education after they got married...

OP, I don't know that it's salvageable besides determining your boundaries, letting him know what they are, and hold him accountable for them. I personally wouldn't hold my breathe for lasting changes. But I'm cynical. 

C
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