# What Where/Are The Things You Did to Help Yourself Recover and Move On?



## nunikit (Mar 20, 2013)

Aloha!

What I'm asking about are the positive things you are doing/did.... What helped you turn the corner and heal from the emotional devastation of divorce/separation?

For myself:

I did these things prior to filing, but I knew that the marriage was done for me. My limits were reached and then some...

I lost weight, which was pretty easy considering how stressed out I was. 

Changed my eating habits, stopped eating crap basically.

Read ALOT of books about self love, spiritualism, did my best to learn what was it about me that helped create THIS.

Sold my bigger/maternity clothes, bought smaller clothes. 

Got a JOB after being a SAHM for 8 years that paid very well and bought my own gym equipment. 

Maybe a little TMI...

Some women get the boobs done. Since I wear contacts, I'm fixing my eyes first so that I can see my new boobs. 

But I did pull a Brandi Glanville... and got my poonanie/female happy patch overhauled. 


Now, I'm attending college full-time and studying for the degree/career I've wanted for years. I actually cried from a combination of gratefulness and happiness the first day of class.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

I started a garden. I live in MA, so I did it indoors so I could garden all year round. I get more basil then anything else.

I went back to old hobbies that I had lost interest in. At first I was just going through the motions, but after a while I released that I was enjoying my fun.

I also started reading alot and got in better shape.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Twice for me. But both times I read about what I thought the main problem was.


On one of them, just as I was filing for divorce my wife pulls the old "I was raped every day by my father" stunner surprise. So I read some books on adult victims of child sexual abuse. In part to see if there was any hope of salvaging the marriage now that the horrific truth about what was wrong with her had been revealed. 

The other one I googled the things she had done to me and discovered a fantastic literature on manipulative people. Which turned out to be my problem - having a personality that was easy prey for manipulative people. 

I didn't feel like getting involved with other people right away, and in fact before my current wife I took a couple of years where I steered clear of women altogether. Not because I had anything against them but because I made a conscious decision to think very carefully about what it is I wanted and then act very carefully to only allow myself to see women that fulfilled my objectives.

It sounds almost trivially stupid but I actually wrote down a list of "must haves" and a list of "dealbreakers". If you don't have clear conditions like that you can stumble along just falling into whatever relationships happen by and rationalizing away things that should be dealbreakers.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

Biggest thing for me was given up the dream *that I thought I had* and faced reality. HUGE eye opener. When you looked at things realistically, it made so much more sense. And joining TAM. I think I will be here for the rest of my days.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Allow myself to move on with my life. I had to accept the fact that I made a mistake in marrying him, but that it was a part of my past and made me who I am today. I had to be okay with that. There is nothing I can do to go back and change it, so I just have to accept it and move on.

Also, talking to friends and family and sometimes strangers about my situation. It helped me to see that I wasn't alone. And the more I told my story, the less I felt that I did something wrong or that I was "bad" for being divorced.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

GREAT THREAD, nunikit!

I think this is the FIRST TIME I have 'liked' every post on a thread! So inspiring to see people move forward, accept reality/facts, embrace POSITIVE change!


I am reading books and working on resolving MY issues.
I am NOT dating as I feel I would not make healthy choices until I have addressed my own problems.
I lost weight before I left my STBXH.
I joined a gym and go 3x/week.
I have GOALS that I have written down! (short- and long-term)
Like Wiseforit, I will be *WRITING DOWN* 'must haves' and 'deal-breakers' since in my past I would "dismiss" red flags and rationalize them away. No more of that crap!
I am POSITIVELY trying to be a GREAT role-model for my teenage daughter that you can do ANYTHING you want at any AGE! That middle-age is no reason to sit home and be depressed and sedentary (I'm 56yo). I will be taking up some water sports this summer!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> GREAT THREAD, nunikit!
> 
> I think this is the FIRST TIME I have 'liked' every post on a thread! So inspiring to see people move forward, accept reality/facts, embrace POSITIVE change!
> 
> ...


That reads like a book on how to do it. So many things to like about it!

We see a lot of "he did this and she did that" but we have to ask ourselves how to change our own behavior because that is the only thing we control, and it got us into the mess we were in. That is why I liked your post so much. 

You see a lot of the men on this forum feeling the need to get out and date before they even split from their wives and this focus on how to manipulate women into the sack instead of what you are doing as a woman - which is making clear, written criteria for what you need and will accept in a man.

At the top of my list was lying, but more generally just being true to your word. Five minutes late to the first date? You failed. That was the cheerleader on the cover of the basketball program at the University I was teaching at. You said 10:00. I was driving out of the parking lot while you were driving in. I got the apologetic story later about how the day was so busy with this, that, and the other but my answer was that she had planned to be there five minutes late, and don't tell me otherwise - you could have planned to be there five minutes early like I did. 

First impressions like that are really critical, and this sole critera was responsible for the majority of people I crossed off the list. I was amazed at how many people will tell you what you want to hear.

"Fishing? I LOVE fishing". Oh? When was the last time you went fishing? "With my grandfather when I was 12". Off the list. "I always wanted to live in the country" Where are you living now? "In an apartment in the city". Off the list. "I belong to a gym and go twice a week". Oh? Let's go running tomorrow morning. That one made it about five blocks. 

If what you say and what you do are different things then you are not true to your word and you just met the red flag of rejection.


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## HollowKat (Mar 23, 2013)

-Everyday (or at least most of them) since D-Day I would write down my feelings on my phone, whether good or bad, that way I can see how I started and reread my thought process since then.
-Workout and eat healthier, joined bodybuilding.com and followed one of their programs
-Participate in church
-Read "Surviving Infidelity" "His needs, her needs" "Too good to leave, Too bad to stay" in order to open my eyes to the whole picture.
-Re-engage with friends, even old ones, and go out and socialize. You don't have to get drunk to have a good time but it helps remove you from the void and connect with what's right outside your door.
-Engage in hobbies or find new ones. I used to play violin and since going to church I realized I could participate with the choir and strengthen my music skills as well!
-Find a nice quiet spot to meditate or clear your mind, whether it's a beach, under a bridge, on a rooftop, or your own living room with candles, you make a sacred place for YOU to have quiet time.
-Listen to music that helps you move on or that you can relate. For my situation, "Sweet nothing" - from Calvin Harris really nails it on the head for me! Listen to it over and over until you can feel indifferent and not feel the pain as much. Make it a ritual.
-Most important, LOVE YOURSELF. Eat, sleep, laugh, cry, shower please, dress up, change your attire to look and feel successful and sexy, be attractive, pamper yourself, but do NOT neglect your duties and get into debt or neglecting other priorities. You don't want to put your problems on a backburner but instead incorporate healthy choices and convert the negative aspects into positive things.

Time frame to move on is largely based on how far the relationship was, with/without kids, support system, etc, but the SOONER you take those steps into the life you deserve, the quicker you'll start running and realize how far you've gone since then!

Pain is temporary, empowerment is eternal. Once you feel and know you have the power to become better, all this will be a thing of the past!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I did things I always wanted to do, like volunteer with Habitat.

I eventually replaced every piece of furniture and linens/art that was in the marital home (not including MY antiques I inherited/came in to). Nothing that we picked out or he brought to the relationship. nothing in my house was ever part of "us".

Oddly, I gained weight going from a 10/12 to a 16. He would grab at hips and try to jiggle fat, measured my upper arms when I was pregnant, made me stand on a scale. So gaining weight was a freedom. Maybe it's security to avoid getting hurt now i.e. "if he loves me like this, he'll love me however I am" - I don't know.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Enjoli:
> I gained weight going from a 10/12 to a 16. He would grab at hips and try to jiggle fat, measured my upper arms when I was pregnant, made me stand on a scale. So gaining weight was a freedom. Maybe it's security to avoid getting hurt now i.e. "if he loves me like this, he'll love me however I am" - I don't know.


This SHOULD be the year you REALLY think about this and address this issue, Enjoli! Especially with the help from the 'Workout Thread'!

*If it IS* a reaction to his ass-h0lery behavior, *you* are continuing to allow HIS behaviors and assessments of you to control YOUR life...how many years later? 

Spend a few quiet nights REALLY thinking it over and turning it over in your mind...approach it from EVERY angle.


Is it a 'screw you' to him? If so, is it hurting him? Hurting you? Hurting no-one?
Is it a defensive 'love me, love my dog' posture? Is it needed? Do you have better/different/new coping skills for weeding out undesirable men who are controlling or hyper-critical, etc. Is being overweight the only/best method of weeding undesirable men out? Is it weeding out desireable men, too? Does it have no effect?
Is it hurting your long-term health? Does it have no negative effect on your long-term health?
Is it a positive role model for your daughter? A negative role model? Neutral? Does it have probative value as a 'don't judge a book by its cover' life lesson?
Nobody will know but you, Enjoli! Getting a handle on this NOW will lay it to rest (either way: you're okay with it, you're not) PERMANENTLY!

*hugs*
SGW


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Going to PM so as to not hijack.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I eventually replaced every piece of furniture and linens/art that was in the marital home (not including MY antiques I inherited/came in to). Nothing that we picked out or he brought to the relationship. nothing in my house was ever part of "us"


I'm doing this too, slowly but surely, making 'our' home into 'my' home.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Lots of the things already mentioned: reading, journaling, losing weight (did a lot of emotional eating those last several months with Ex), moved out on my own (I didn't want to stay in the marital home) and filled it with my own things, even if they were freebies from Craigslist and freecycle. Then I started pushing myself out of my shell. I am an introvert, which I discovered after I left, so that means I do things a little differently. I don't mind doing things on my own, but I didn't have much experience with that, either, so I went to shows (music and theater) myself, went out to eat myself, things like that. Pushed myself further and did some crazy things, like going to a drag show in male drag and to Rocky Horror in costume. Just to know that I could. It was fun, and gave me courage to do more. 

I started getting into dance in the last year. I went to my first concert alone in November 2011. It was Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings. I danced through the whole thing. It was fantastic. I loved dancing when I was younger, then things in my life stopped me from being able to. My Ex didn't like to, so we didn't together. I always missed it. I've tried different things. I now love contra dancing and go twice a month. I started a strip tease fitness class a year ago this month, and tomorrow I'm signing a contract to be my teacher's designated substitute. In February, I got involved with One Billion Rising, a world wide dance movement that was organized to dance all over the world on February 14th to bring attention to violence against women and sexual assault. That was meaningful to me especially because that was the date of my divorce hearing this year. We've since kept dancing whenever there are events in our city that have to do with these topics. After dancing yesterday at our campus International Festival, we were asked to dance before a speech by a visiting lecturer on violence against women. I never, ever, ever thought I would be comfortable dancing on a stage in front of an audience, but I've done it multiple times, now, and in the front row a couple of them. I could never dance in front of my Ex due to how low I felt about myself, and now I'm dancing in front of hundreds of people. It makes me feel good in so many ways. It's been a real symbol of freedom and growth and healing. I always considered myself a clutz and an ugly duckling. I don't know that I'm a very unbiased critic of my dancing, but I choose to dance anyway. That is a world of change for this girl. 
I never could have gotten here if I'd stayed married to that man.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

She never wanted me to get tattoos, so my first thing was to get three of them in a little over a week, with my first one being No Woman, No Cry. Favorite Marley song, and we ended our marriage on his birthday so it worked.

I have also been hitting the gym, 3-4 days a week, down over 40lbs. I bought a nice camera, and have been taking photographs as a hobby. I try to go to the movies once a week, by myself. It sucked at first, but now it's not so bad.

Now, I am planning my future without her. She got the house and all of that, so I am house hunting, and thinking about all of the manly stuff I can fill a whole house with. No need for a man cave, I'm having a man house baby!!!! It's nice to know, that if I save the money, I can now purchase anything I want for a house. No more getting approval. I'm thinking a jukebox in the kitchen, and a stuffed skunk in the bathroom.

Plus, I have started planning a trip to Jamaica on what would have been our 10 anniversary. It is not till next year, but planning is half of the fun.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

lost hunter said:


> I'm thinking a jukebox in the kitchen, and a stuffed skunk in the bathroom.


:rofl:


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I vote YES on the stuffed skunk!


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## Nemeton (Mar 27, 2013)

I redecorated the house.
Read a book (by Helen Fisher I think) on infidelity, that put everything into perspective.
Bought new clothes (due to losing so much weight).
Followed a Druid course of study (now I talk to trees...sad eh?)).
Left to do:
Go on holiday
Figure out why I'm so irritable


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I vote YES on the stuffed skunk!


I hope you all know I am 100% serious about my plans with the house. I have always had a strange taste for the tacky, and I plan on going to the local flea market with $1000.00 and decorating my house with the treasures I find. I might have a velvet Elvis painting, a naked lady ashtray, or even a stop light for the bed room. All I know, is I get to make all of my decisions, not just have a tiny say in it.

At first I was not looking forward to a future without her, but the more I plan, the more I see that tomorrow is going to be spectacular.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I'm doing the same stuff I did before but I'm happier and guilt free because I don't have to listen to him b!tch and complain. I go out a lot more to socialize then I did with the coach potato. 

I always had hobbies, my own friends and worked out and dieted even when I was married. None of that changed. 

Well I did dye my hair purple to add to the black and blonde..


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