# Excessive worrying



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I have a problem, and maybe I just need therapy but I thought I'd try here first. I worry about my husband excessively. We live pretty quiet lives, and he usually just goes to work, comes home, and we hang out together. I know that if he doesn't show up for work, they'll call here. So I am usually fine. And he is very good about answering his cell phone if I call, if he's driving, he'll pull off the road to talk to me. 

However, when something goes wrong with this, I freak out completely. He is currently staying at his parents' house while they are out of the country. He's taking care of their dog; I have to take care of our garden so I'm stuck here. Anyway, he has taken a week off work to do this. I called him yesterday and couldn't get an answer at his parents' house or his cell phone. I became sort of ... obsessed with the idea that he had been in a car accident. I was CERTAIN that something was terribly wrong, either he was sick and couldn't come to the phone, or he was lying in a twisted metal heap on the side of the road. I was an absolute wreck after 3 hours of trying to find him. I was getting ready to call hospitals and all that. 

Well he finally answered and it turns out he was at a cafe and didn't hear his phone and lost track of time - which is totally reasonable but I still feel upset over the whole thing, he offered to come home for a few hours and I said "NO!! Don't come home!" because I didn't want him driving on the highway and for me to start worrying about him again so soon. 

I know that part of this is because of a traumatic experience in my past (I lost a sibling in a very violent way) and I have a fear of losing someone close to me and not having said goodbye (so whenever he leaves, I'm all "drive safely, I love you so much" hugs & kisses and all that, never just "ok, bye". Same with hanging up the phone. But yesterday I was practically having a nervous breakdown because I couldn't get hold of him for 3 hours.

Any advice?


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You need some individual counseling to get this worry/panic of yours under control. Stress can cause many illnesses and shorten your lifespan...not to mention sucking the joy out of life in the short-term.

You may be surprised how quickly you can make progress since you have ONE specific problem. Don't envision YEARS of therapy down the road...with one problem, the situation can usually be mastered in a relatively short period of time (maybe a few months).

Ask your doctor for a referral and good luck!


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If you have never dealt with the loss of your sibling, then you need to do so now. I would suggest counseling soon. You might look into a grief counselor. 

You said you had to stay home to tend to the garden? What kind of garden do you have, that needs that much attention that you couldn't leave it for a week, and go with your husband?


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

trey69 said:


> If you have never dealt with the loss of your sibling, then you need to do so now. I would suggest counseling soon. You might look into a grief counselor.
> 
> You said you had to stay home to tend to the garden? What kind of garden do you have, that needs that much attention that you couldn't leave it for a week, and go with your husband?


I tried a grief counselor at the time, but the counselor was overwhelmed by the violence of the situation and I ended up comforting her (!!) and pretending that I was fine so that was the end of that. I could try again.

The garden is a bunch of just germinated seeds. We are having crazy weather and have no real indoor light, so it's a constant series of taking them outside for sun and back inside for protection from wind and rain. I wasn't planning this, but the ILs trip was sudden, the death of my MIL's sister's husband and they went to the funeral and stayed to comfort the widow.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

omega said:


> I tried a grief counselor at the time, but the counselor was overwhelmed by the violence of the situation and I ended up comforting her (!!) and pretending that I was fine so that was the end of that. I could try again.
> 
> The garden is a bunch of just germinated seeds. We are having crazy weather and have no real indoor light, so it's a constant series of taking them outside for sun and back inside for protection from wind and rain. I wasn't planning this, but the ILs trip was sudden, the death of my MIL's sister's husband and they went to the funeral and stayed to comfort the widow.


Deffo try another counselor. I guess that one couldn't handle the situation.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Find another counselor one that is able to handle it. I have ptsd and I have had to learn how to comfort myself when I start excessive worrying. I don't think I could have done it without professional help.


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Find another counselor one that is able to handle it. I have ptsd and I have had to learn how to comfort myself when I start excessive worrying. I don't think I could have done it without professional help.


I am certainly a person who could benefit from a little therapy, there's no doubt about it. I get panicky at times, and I have some issues with phobias. I just didn't have the best introduction to the mental health profession as a result of that failed grief counseling, kind of makes me reluctant to try again. But I'm only hurting myself, I do realize that.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

omega said:


> I am certainly a person who could benefit from a little therapy, there's no doubt about it. I get panicky at times, and I have some issues with phobias. I just didn't have the best introduction to the mental health profession as a result of that failed grief counseling, kind of makes me reluctant to try again. But I'm only hurting myself, I do realize that.


I'll second (third?) trying again with a new counselor, make sure they have a LOT of experience. Sounds like your first counselor may have been a novice, though certainly a loving empathetic one.

Have you discovered anything that helps you deal with phobias and panic? If so, I'd try and see if you can explore how you can use those more practically in ordinary situations (until you get more help).


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

omega said:


> I am certainly a person who could benefit from a little therapy, there's no doubt about it. I get panicky at times, and I have some issues with phobias. I just didn't have the best introduction to the mental health profession as a result of that failed grief counseling, kind of makes me reluctant to try again. But I'm only hurting myself, I do realize that.


For me being on this forum is a kind of therapy. Many on here are also experts on their own marriages, some with very specific and often times similar situations. So when you say you are reluctant to counselling, just by participating here you are already part way through the counselling office door, emotionally and figuratively.

As to your gardening, is that a hobby or is it your livelihood? Do you depend on income from that? I ask because if it is your hobby it almost seems to me that it is causing more stress than it is relieving?


----------



## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

omega said:


> But I'm only hurting myself, I do realize that.


Well, probably not is my guess. Much more horrifically, to me at least, is the idea that you're probably hurting your husband. I personally would find that highly motivational.


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Have you discovered anything that helps you deal with phobias and panic? If so, I'd try and see if you can explore how you can use those more practically in ordinary situations (until you get more help).


Yeah, it's called Valium heh. I have had such a bad experience with counseling, I didn't mention it earlier but actually have tried twice. The first time was the grief counselor debacle. The second time, my doctor insisted I go for panic attacks, I went a bunch of times and the therapist was lovely, really lovely, but the whole thing was a disaster, I wasn't having panic attacks, I was having gall bladder attacks and the physician just blew off my concerns and put it down to a me being a hysterical woman, "send her to psych." I almost died from the damn gall bladder in the end, it took over 3 yrs to get a real diagnosis. So now I think understandably I'd rather just take a pill to deal with it. Where I live, I can get anxiolytics over the counter so I do that. I know I've been incredibly unlucky, and there probably are therapists who could help, but when I think of the money and time I wasted and the illness that I put up with because of them, I get angry. I actually remember telling my H after my gall bladder operation that I wanted to see someone about my anger - anger about being sent to a therapist to talk about my feelings for a physical medical condition that almost killed me.



Lon said:


> For me being on this forum is a kind of therapy. Many on here are also experts on their own marriages, some with very specific and often times similar situations. So when you say you are reluctant to counselling, just by participating here you are already part way through the counselling office door, emotionally and figuratively.
> 
> As to your gardening, is that a hobby or is it your livelihood? Do you depend on income from that? I ask because if it is your hobby it almost seems to me that it is causing more stress than it is relieving?


I agree, this forum is fantastic! I've learned a lot about myself just reading and commenting here. The garden is just a hobby, although it's all edibles so I'm hoping to cut our food bills a bit. But it's not stressful, it's just a crucial moment at this point in the spring season. I really do enjoy taking care of the little green things. My mother was a 'professional' gardener so I feel connected to her too through it (she lives across the world from me so that's valuable to me).



Jeff/BC said:


> Well, probably not is my guess. Much more horrifically, to me at least, is the idea that you're probably hurting your husband. I personally would find that highly motivational.


I think he understands. He certainly seems to. But you're right. This is my issue and I need to deal with it because he's going to get hit with the results of it. (He actually understands quite well since his father "died" medically and was brought back so to speak after a massive heart attack and he also has a bit of his own worry when it comes to his father. So he does understand what it's like to feel real worry. But he's never lost anyone close to him (permanently) and I don't know if anyone can understand that til it happens?


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Since you're at home and your husband is at his parents dog sitting, how far is that from your home? Maybe make a day trip there and surprise him? I'm sure the garden would be ok without you for a day or two.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

omega said:


> I am certainly a person who could benefit from a little therapy, there's no doubt about it. I get panicky at times, and I have some issues with phobias. I just didn't have the best introduction to the mental health profession as a result of that failed grief counseling, kind of makes me reluctant to try again. But I'm only hurting myself, I do realize that.


Not all therapists are good and some you flat out won't like or even click with. It's trial and error. I recently coached a panicky friend on how to find a counselor without having to go through too many triggers. She too had a bad experience the first time with therapy. She ended up doing phone interviews and picked someone that way. Much easier than having to go through the whole story/process at someone's office.

She started with the internet and narrowed her list of potential therapists down by gender, experience and other criteria that was important to her. She found several potential ones, spoke to them on the phone to get a feel for their personality/skills/success rate, had her questions ready and voila she found a new therapist.


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Since you're at home and your husband is at his parents dog sitting, how far is that from your home? Maybe make a day trip there and surprise him? I'm sure the garden would be ok without you for a day or two.


It's only an hour away, but he has the car and there's no other way to get there. But luckily his parents come back tomorrow (which is also our anniversary, btw) and he'll be coming back after picking them up from the airport, sometime around midday. Then we'll have the whole weekend together before he goes back to work.


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Not all therapists are good and some you flat out won't like or even click with. It's trial and error. I recently coached a panicky friend on how to find a counselor without having to go through too many triggers. She too had a bad experience the first time with therapy. She ended up doing phone interviews and picked someone that way. Much easier than having to go through the whole story/process at someone's office.
> 
> She started with the internet and narrowed her list of potential therapists down by gender, experience and other criteria that was important to her. She found several potential ones, spoke to them on the phone to get a feel for their personality, had her questions ready and voila she found a new therapist.


That's a good strategy. I'll be honest, one thing that may be partially holding me back from getting therapy is that I live in a country where English is not spoken, and although I speak the local language, there's just something about therapy that I feel like it should be in one's native language, if that makes sense? I don't know why I think that, since our marriage is in the local language, and that's even more intense. Well maybe this is a wake up call for me that it's time to get over these various issues and see someone here in town. My H is very supportive of me seeing a therapist, so I'm really the only thing in my way.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

omega said:


> Well maybe this is a wake up call for me that it's time to get over these various issues and see someone here in town. My H is very supportive of me seeing a therapist, so I'm really the only thing in my way.


My joke now is you know how they say you can't buy happiness? Well I say you can....for $100 an hour. 

My therapist literally saved me and gave me my life back. I had ptsd so bad that stupid things like a doorbell or the phone ringing would send me into a tailspin of anxiety and now it doesn't. I'm not 'cured' per se but I manage it really well.


----------

