# Frustrated...Weight Loss & Marriage...



## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

So my wife & I married when were both big. Never any real marital issues...she bottles everything up. We had a son a year into the marriage. Done everything the "typical" American family does, buy a house, go to disney, rack up debt...

FF to Jan 2011 - I was tired of being fat (450lbs). I told my wife I was having surgery, as it was the first year my health insurance covered it. She didn't want it even though she was around 250lbs. Well around March, after moving forward, she decided to get it too. Great! We can do this together --- mistake...

So she goes first (july 2011) - surgery is a success . Her top weight was 293. Mine came in Aug, my top was the 474. Mine went well. However my wife had a lot less to lose.

So spring rolls on in, and my wife is now gorgeous (135lbs size 4). I am not talking 6 or 7, more like an 8/10. I always loved her face, and knew she would be a knockout if she lost weight...

Well for me, I'm doing great too. I am down to 278 & have about another 100lbs to go. 

However, we almost split, b/c now all of her feelings that were bottled up for years came bubbling to the surface... She wants to be "independent". Nice way of saying I want a hotter guy...

She admitted she wasn't and hasn't been attracted to me for years, but she still loves me. 

Anyhow, she changed her mind about being independent and wants us to stay together but wants me to work out, and get hot for her (well was planning on that anyhow). Basically I told her, I am going to be hot in less than a year, which is how long the law requires couples to be separated before the divorce can happen (b/c of our son). Then she is going to beg for me back and I will be over her spent goods...

Now when we go out, I notice every man looking at her. I don't particularly like it. But she has to wear the hottest clothes now even to the grocery store... My insecurities have taken a toll... I adore her and always have, and I'm afraid I won't be good enough for her once I am done... That scares the hell out of me... Anyhow, i put a before and after pic of her... See why I don't wanna split?

before:









after:









Doing the MAP to up my rank...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Better get busy my friend. Cause seriously, you could blow this. sign up for a marathon or a triathlon. Make a goal. You're getting a second chance, make it count!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Your wife has probably wanted to be hot for her entire adult life. Now that she's got it, she's going to show it off. Any talk to the contrary and she'll think you're insecure, holding her back, or both.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

Haha - I am already on <1000 calorie/day diet... Gym 4-5 times wk. My calorie deficit is somewhere around 2000 per day, so I am losing a pound every 2 days... 15/month has been my average..

But honestly, b/c I've been with her for 12 years... Is she hot or is she just hot to me?


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

No, she asks me what she should wear. Of course I pick the hottest stuff. Figure I need to get while the getting is good... Insecurity is a very ugly trait...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

All that matters is that she's hot to YOU. For me, my judgement of "hotness" has a lot more to do with our interactions in and out of the bedroom than how she looks in the mirror or what the scale says. But that's just me.

I'll agree though that she looks great. She must be very proud of herself!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You both just underwent a significant change in your lives. I'm not surprised her bottled up feelings are coming out. I'll bet there's a lot there psychologically. For you, too. You're both in the process of transforming yourselves, and you're both with someone who is undergoing a significant transformation.

Does your surgery and post-op include some sort of therapy? It might help you both to sort through your feelings about all of this, and its effects on your marriage.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

We have considered counseling, but have come to realize that it's just best to be open & fully honest... We did that & A LOT came out... Basically it boiled down to, get in shape within a year or I'm done... She feels she "owes" me that... That was a couple weeks ago... 

Last week we got into the largest argument ever. A lot of what i was feeling came out.. In a not do nice way though... She was going to move out then, but i knew that was it if i let her go.. So i vowed to be passive, get in shape, & live happily ever after... 

Just did a workout on the shoulders.. My surgery anniversary is aug 8. If i lose 4 more pounds, I'll hit 200 lost in a year. Boy, what a difference... Tons more energy...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Nod said:


> We have considered counseling, but have come to realize that it's just best to be open & fully honest... We did that & A LOT came out... Basically it boiled down to, get in shape within a year or I'm done... She feels she "owes" me that... That was a couple weeks ago...
> 
> Last week we got into the largest argument ever. A lot of what i was feeling came out.. In a not do nice way though... She was going to move out then, but i knew that was it if i let her go.. So i vowed to be passive, get in shape, & live happily ever after...
> 
> Just did a workout on the shoulders.. My surgery anniversary is aug 8. If i lose 4 more pounds, I'll hit 200 lost in a year. Boy, what a difference... Tons more energy...


Counseling isn't just about expressing your feelings honestly. It's also about the next steps after expressing your feelings. It's also about helping you understand and process your feelings and all the changes. Individual counseling would probably be just as beneficial as couples counseling.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nod,
You are doing the TWO biggest things in the "game":
- Demonstrating commitment by working out like a mad man AND
- Demonstrating RESTRAINT by staying on top of your insecurities and encouraging her to LOOK HOT

So now it's time to simply - with a light touch but a bit of edge reverse the age old female adage which is: You can look (at other women), but cannot touch

And the reversal is: You can be looked AT, but not touched

Wait until you are "out" with her, and she is getting looks and enjoying it. And smile - use a friendly tone when you say it. Heck, tell her to "have fun with it - meaning the new bod". 

You (with a mischievous smile): Have fun with it - just remember you can be looked AT, but (edge goes on the word not) not touched




Nod said:


> No, she asks me what she should wear. Of course I pick the hottest stuff. Figure I need to get while the getting is good... Insecurity is a very ugly trait...


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Nod,
> 
> - Demonstrating RESTRAINT by staying on top of your insecurities and encouraging her to LOOK HOT


There were some weeks where my insecurities were very obvious. I have come to the rationalization that if I stay insecure, she will leave, or she'll find someone else and leave. So the choice was to put the insecurities behind me and save us while working on me. Seems to be working... If she was going to do anything, she would have already. Trust me, she works at a hospital, and apparently it is just like the show ER. They have no sexual harassment training, etc...


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## Max Demien (Jul 24, 2012)

Nod, she's attractive, but there are lots of attractive women everywhere. Getting oogled at by strange men will get old after a while. A loving husband never gets old for women. And regardless of what you weigh, if you start believing in yourself, your self-confidence will raise the level of your appeal to your wife and other women.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree. It is new for both of us. I'll keep doing what I'm doing & if it works, then good, if not, well there is no shortage of women looking for a good man.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've struggled with insecurity my whole life until one day (after therapy) it clicked.

You can't control other people. Is there a risk she will leave you? Yes it's the same risk married people face everyday. What you seriously need to do is face that fear. So what if she leaves you? Why would you want someone who doesn't want you? There are plenty of attractive women out there. She isn't the ONLY one.

You need to hold your head high and let her feel the vibe of you will survive if she chooses to throw away her marriage thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. Have faith that when you lose your weight women will start looking at YOU too. If she leaves then that's her loss not yours.


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## tiadhani (Jul 30, 2012)

Personally I think it's pretty superficial for her to tell you to get "hot" for her or she's leaving you. I'm having an issue with my husband where I want him to lose weight but it's a health thing, I don't care if he's all muscles and whatever I just want him to be healthy, able to do the things even he says he wants to do. 

Do whatever your doing (working out etc) for yourself, and be happy with yourself, if it's not enough for your wife that your just healthy then you deserve better.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

tiadhani said:


> Personally I think it's pretty superficial for her to tell you to get "hot" for her or she's leaving you.


I thought this too but was too sheepish to bring it up. It 'might' be different if he wasn't trying but he is so I don't get it. :scratchhead:


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

tiadhani said:


> Personally I think it's pretty superficial for her to tell you to get "hot" for her or she's leaving you.


I agree with you, and that really sucks. It's also how his W feels, and him telling her that she's superficial will not help one bit.

He needs to get "hot" or this probably won't end well.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

Oh yes, she is very superficial. It's a double edge sword... She dresses well & has always tried to look her best... Also, I am her first. She was 18, I was 22. We married a year later. She has said she was caught up in the ceremony itself rather than thinking about what it really meant.

Looking back now, I don't think she was in love when we married...

Oh well, after reading & reading, I conclude that I can't change her feelings. I will focus on myself & if it works out, then great. 

I told her that in a couple years both of us will be happy, even if that means not with each other. I have no desire to stay with someone who doesn't return the love... It's just not easy to throw away the last decade of your life.

Thank you for all of the input.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Nod said:


> She has said she was caught up in the ceremony itself rather than thinking about what it really meant.


Wow, she is a real prize.  Don't worry about getting "hot" in an attempt to keep her in the marriage. Work on yourself, body and mind, to become the man you want to be. Then, maybe you can find a good woman who actually wants to be with you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Nod said:


> Oh yes, she is very superficial. It's a double edge sword... She dresses well & has always tried to look her best... Also, I am her first. She was 18, I was 22. We married a year later. She has said she was caught up in the ceremony itself rather than thinking about what it really meant.
> 
> Looking back now, I don't think she was in love when we married...
> 
> ...


Knowing what you know now, do you want to be married to her? I don't see you really address that. It is not just her decision, it is yours as well. Figure that out, and then work from there.


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## tiadhani (Jul 30, 2012)

I'm curious about what Tall Average Guy said as well .. knowing all that why would you want to stay with her?


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

That's a good question. I asked her for complete honesty & she gave it to me. I guess some wives would just leave. Lets face it, a lot of the stories here have to do with attraction issues. However most of the time there is another person. 

Thing is, I'm smaller now then when we married. So that's why I doubt she was attracted to me when we married. She has rationalized in her own mind that she was young & dumb so it is ok to leave. 

Now though she acts like nothing ever happened. She can bury her feelings so easily. 

There is so much that I do love about her that I think I can get past this. Not to mention we have a 10 year old son. She did give me a back handed compliment...she said i was the best looking chubby guy she's seen...shallow?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Lol. That's a fitness test. I would just throw it back at her with confidence and a mischievous smile.

"yup! That's right, honey! And you should see how good my "chubby" looks like in the bedroom."

it's all about confidence.

On the flip side....what is goin to happen when you hit your target weight? Then, you are going to get stares and compliments. Then....she will be the one on the flip side of this behavior.

Irony?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

Exactly! I mean to be obese I carry it proportionally, & I dress nicely. I've already flirted with waitresses in front of her. I can tell she was a bit uneasy about that. 

Once the rest of the weight is gone (avg 15lbs/mo), 7-9 more months, I will reevaluate my options... 

Honestly though, we have a lot of sex. That's a big plus for any guy. I am rationalizing that she was young & never experienced life. Now she is torn... Security or lust?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Nod said:


> She did give me a back handed compliment...she said i was the best looking chubby guy she's seen...shallow?


Kind of depends. If she knows that you're sensitive about your weight, it's a shytty thing to tell you. But...


alphaomega said:


> Lol. That's a fitness test. I would just throw it back at her with confidence and a mischievous smile.


This. If you reply like a c*cky mofo, you blow up her comment. I now have fun with crap like this from my W.


Nod said:


> Exactly! I mean to be obese I carry it proportionally, & I dress nicely. I've already flirted with waitresses in front of her. I can tell she was a bit uneasy about that.


I know a few guys in your weight range who are confident around women...and the women eat that shyte up - "Oh, he's a big teddy bear." It's all about how you carry yourself. I don't think you should flirt too hard with other women in front of your wife, but by all means...make the waitress giggle and smile. With your W's attitude, she needs to see that other women enjoy your company.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't flirt too hard with them, but I do make sure she notices. Also, I have no plan staying this big. In fact, I'm down 2 more pounds to 276. 

Honestly, she has been super nice lately. She is sleeping nude again & asking me to hold her. Yesterday was my birthday, & she made me breakfast in bed. Contrast that to fathers day & i didn't even get a card.

I hate the mixed signals. I have shown no insecurity lately either. I haven't spied on her as from all my reading, I've learned I can't control what she does. I just need to focus on me.

I have been in the same job for eight years. It pays well but I'm not challenged. I told her it was time for me to set new goals. Fixed my resume & sent it out for engineering jobs. I told her I will have a new job in less than a month. I have a pharmaceutical company interested in me & have an interview today. She was stoked about that as I put forth confidence and ****iness. I have never done an interview & not get the job. I know my line of work well. 

Shr had to go to work early this morning (er nurse). She texted me to say she wish she was asleep with me holding her.

I think she has been bombarded with so much attention that she is in a fog. To me, when i go out, i look around at my other options & I always gravitate back to her. 

I just don't know if once i do get down to my goal weight if I can forgive her...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I think the psychology is very common for circumstances where someone suddenly finds themselves with very good fortune and doesn't know how to handle it. Look at how many lottery winners that have not only blown through all of their lottery winnings but end up destroying their families too. Your wife "won the lottery" and is looking much better than she ever thought she would. Now she doesn't know how to handle it right now because - just like winning the lottery - all of these people are coming out of the woodwork and paying attention to her. If I were you I would sit her down and ask her to go over some of these stories of how "instant millionaires" have ruined their lives by not being able to handle the good fortune. This sounds exactly like that type of situation to me.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

There was also a toxic friendship she had with a coworker. She is also married and hooked up with one of the EMT guys. This EMT guy is ripped. My wife is better looking than her friend, so she sees her hooking up with this hot emt, and thinks that could be her hooking up with some hot dude... I know her mind set.

Anyhow, I planted the seed in the husbands head about his wife cheating. He figured it out & all hell broke loose. Of course I was the one she blamed for ruining her marriage.

It ended with my wife & her not speaking, literally hate one another. Had to sabotage that toxic friendship.

Ya know, things have been better since. They were feeding off one another. I don't think my wife had anyone in mind, just the thought of someone new. I went through texts, email, Facebook, recorded conversations, & phone records. There was no evidence of her doing anything. In fact the recordings had her telling another girlfriend that she thinks we'll make it, that I'm trying hard for her, and how stupid the other girl was for cheating. So that was a relief. My wife was a virgin when we met, & I am her only lover. So I would be so devastated if that was compromised. Just the thought of another man touching her makes me sick.

How can some guys be into that? Watching their beautiful wives get ****ed by some alpha male. 

Anyhow, I love her too much to let this bother me. The advice I have gotten from y'all has helped out tremendously! For what is worth, she deserves the attention. She always had a low self esteem, so to see her confident makes me happy.

If she is still not attracted to me in a year or so, I will allow her to void our contract so she can find happiness. I know she makes me happy, & only hope She comes around...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I am considering surgery too, which did you have? 
I almost decided not to because the post op divorce rate is 70%! 
I can't believe she said that to you after she went through it too. The truth is people do gain it back after surgery. I hope neither of you do but she needs to get off her high horse and have some humility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

I had vsg. I don't think i would have bypass...too many issues with absorption of vitamins. VSG, just decreases the size of the stomach. I love it. We spend a lot less now eating out. 

As started she has gotten better. I think she has a crush on a younger guy at work. She denies it of course...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That's what I want too. 
I'm sorry she's acting like this. Did you say she has been overweight her whole life? 
I was thin until my twenties so I'm hoping the shock of being thin again doesn't make me act like a teenager like some people do. It seems like people are trying to make up for all the things they lost out on earlier in life. 
Hopefully you'll get there and she will be jealous of attention you get too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Max Demien said:


> Nod, she's attractive, but there are lots of attractive women everywhere. Getting oogled at by strange men will get old after a while. A loving husband never gets old for women. And regardless of what you weigh, if you start believing in yourself, your self-confidence will raise the level of your appeal to your wife and other women.


Confidence is a plus, but hot is hot!! Doesn't matter if you have a brain, work, do drugs, drunk, gamble, the truly HOT GUY always will get girls hand of fist.

Same goes for the truly HOT CHICK. Confidence helps and money is a big perk too.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

You'll love it. I eat anything i want. Just not as much. It's only a tool. You have to use it wisely. 

As for my wife, I've heard it all..love but not in love, married too young, wants to be independent, unhappy for years but forgot to tell me... I know she is crushing on some other guy. I don't much care as long as she doesn't touch. I've had my own work crush before but i thought how it would destroy my family if i pursued it. So I distanced myself from that individual. That was over five years ago. Now I am completely in love with my wife. Is it because of her new body? Yes, and also the confidence. So I think she'll be the same. It started when we went clothes shopping & she was my dress up doll. I got the sexiest dresses etc. They know us by name at Victorias secret  Once she is able to do the same, she'll get bit too.

She'll eventually come around. She will deny get crush it to the grave. I mean we still have sex 3/4 times a week, so i would be a fool to ruin that! I figure if i keep pushing the issue & looking insecure, she'll leave, so I keep it to myself. 

Focus, focus, focus...

I'll post some before & after pics of myself just to show the transformation. It's amazing.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm very happy for your weight loss and getting in shape. It's sort of inspirational for me to get off my lard butt and get my "gunz" ripped again (Ron Burgundy).

But I have way too many issues with forgiveness and vengence. From an early age I noticed I turned dissapointment and pain into an excuse for anger and violence. I've since mellowed, but if my wife ever told me anything like yours did I would be putting in motion a plan for revenge that would have even the most diabolical mind unable to keep up.

Just remember not to lose your nuts along with all that weight.


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