# I need YOUR advise!



## NeedyTia (Mar 1, 2015)

After 7 years of living together, my boyfriend and I finally married. At the same time, he began a new job, and he promised our lives would improve. 

We had sought couple's Counceling even before marriage, as my husband is very child like when it comes to conflict.

Within weeks of our marriage, we were already discussing divorce. It's now been 7 months and divorce comes up nearly weekly. He is unwilling to work on our relationship and I catch him in stupid lies frequently. 

I don't know why he lies, and he always denies it, even when presented with proof.

So, I need help. I need to understand why my husband lies, why he's now emotionally distanced from me and how to make the situation better. 

Any suggestions are appreciated!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

NeedyTia said:


> After 7 years of living together, my boyfriend and I finally married. At the same time, he began a new job, and he promised our lives would improve.
> 
> We had sought couple's Counceling even before marriage, as my husband is very child like when it comes to conflict.
> 
> Within weeks of our marriage, we were already discussing divorce. It's now been 7 months and divorce comes up nearly weekly. He is unwilling to work on our relationship and I catch him in stupid lies frequently.


So did the two of you go to couple's counceling? 

If so was it through a church? If so, and you are in the same town, you can probably go back to the minister that held the counseling or married the two of you and ask for a second go at couples counseling.

As to why he lies? I haven't a clue. 

You sound unhappy and you also sound like you feel it is all his fault. One of the harsh lessons I've learned in over 40 years of marriage, is that if there is a problem there is usually some degree of fault shared by both partners. 

What I am trying to say is that he may have some complaints about you as well, which is why marriage counseling is a good idea both before marriage and afterwards if problems come up. In any event, put off having children until the two of you have worked things out.

Good luck


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

What does he lie about?

Why did you get married if you had problems to such an extent that you sought couples counseling?

Did getting married make things worse?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

lenzi said:


> Why did you get married if you had problems to such an extent that you sought couples counseling?


Many churches require couples counseling prior to having a minister/priest perform a church wedding. It is not clear to me when or where she and her then Boyfriend roomate got counseling.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Any suggestions are appreciated!


Divorce him now. You will do it eventually anyway, but don't waste years of your life on something to so obviously futile. And please don't have children with him.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Can you give us examples of the lies? What sort of lies?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He didn't lie before you got married? 

C


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he frequently is dishonest with other people, he's probably just a dishonest person and not much you can do about that. If he can be honest with everyone but you, maybe you have taught him that being honest with you results in punishment. Seven years is a rather long courtship. If the courtship was volatile and difficult there's really no reason to believe marriage would be less so. Living with someone or dating someone are easy compared to marriage. 

"After 7 years of living together, my boyfriend and I finally married. At the same time, he began a new job, and he promised our lives would improve."

This is your first sentence in your post. People who are upset often lead with what they are most upset about. You said you "finally" got married, which suggests you might have been impatient for quite a while to get married. You also mentioned his new job and his promise that things would improve. Nowhere else in your post do you mention this new job or this promise. Were you expecting things would be financially easier because he got this new job? After seven years, why did he "finally" decide to get married?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> After seven years, why did he "finally" decide to get married?


She pushed him. He's "a child" according to her. A very common and dangerous dynamic in which the woman feels like the mature party and treats her partner like a child. The husband will never be able to satisfy her alpha-seeking subconscious. 

Ultimately she will find other men more attractive and leave him.

His dishonesty and weak personality will only expedite the process.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

synthetic said:


> She pushed him. He's "a child" according to her. A very common and dangerous dynamic in which the woman feels like the mature party and treats her partner like a child. The husband will never be able to satisfy her alpha-seeking subconscious.
> 
> Ultimately she will find other men more attractive and leave him.
> 
> His dishonesty and weak personality will only expedite the process.


Or, he'll resent her for pushing him into marriage, and for treating him like a child (even if he deserves it), and he'll cheat on her and or leave or and or emotionally and or physically detach from her.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> Many churches require couples counseling prior to having a minister/priest perform a church wedding. It is not clear to me when or where she and her then Boyfriend roomate got counseling.


Seems like she said she sought couples counseling before they got married for his child like behavior.

Married, they never should have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mjalex (Mar 5, 2015)

Insight as to why he might be lying could be reflected based on what the topic is.

Perhaps he's had self-esteem issues and wants to live up to expectations?

Regardless, it definitely seems like you have some things to work out in your marriage, though if your partner is unwilling, then it won't happen. It takes two to tango, after all.

The first question to ask yourself is whether or not you want to work on the relationship.
The second question is answering how the dynamic of the relationship worked before marriage, and what changed to bring up so many issues?
This insight could be critical to finding a solution!


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