# My Motivation For Joining This Forum (Post Yours Also)



## WiseOwlGuy (Jun 21, 2011)

My motivation for joining this forum was 1) to make friends (I always like being a member of a good forum and making good friendships) and 2) to share my knowledge on dating and relationships.

So what about everyone else? What were your reasons for joining here?

Hopefully, this forum will come to regard me as not only a good friend here, but as someone who gives helpful advice


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

My motivation was because my x wife asked for divorce, we were separated, and I was desperate and looking for answers. This place looked like a great site to discuss such topics. The people here were friendly, mature, and seemed willing to help. I noticed that people were willing to discuss anything, yet, the "Sex in marriage" area wasn't overwhelmed with "penis size" threads like most forums of this type. I knew this just wasn't a bunch of people out for kicks, but were serious about helping.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I like to talk to other people too, and there are things I just can't talk with my husband about. At least not without a fight. So I like to come on here and give some advice to others who are at the point I used to be at years ago...and also run some of my own stuff past people and see if I'm just crazy or if others see things the way I am seeing them. It is also nice when I get views conflicting with my own, and it makes me step back and take a look at my own thinking. Very helpful.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

The usual. Nice guy. Wife in EA. Me in denial. Needed a good few smacks on the head from these nice members.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I came here to read things I didn't want to hear but needed to.
And to have questions answered that I also didn't want to hear the answers to. And to be the source of that for others seeking the same thing.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

i suspected an EA...went googling for answers or signs. stumbled into this place.got my answers and some good instructions on how to get confirmation. i stay for the support and views. i try to give good advice but others are way better at it...my only hope is to maybe say something that someone can connect to and maybe make them laugh at a time when they feel badly about their situation.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

About 3 years ago I started searching the internet for answers to help me better understand my (ex)husband’s choice to have an affair and how it appeared so easy for him to just throw away a marriage. Never having contemplated divorce before, I was looking for that information on the internet as well. When I found a website which had a fair amount of useful information, I would save the website in my “favorites”. For a long time, I was more comfortable just lurking around these websites.

I found that even as time passed and my divorce was final, I could still relate to many stories from individuals who posted on TAM. Some comments can make me laugh so hard. Some bring empathy because I’ve walked in their shoes. A few have left me with the jaw dropping gasp of “did this person really just post that?“ Then there are the posts which make my heart heavy as I cannot imagine having to be in that individual’s situation. Finally, one day I decided to chime in and joined the forum. 

Not that long ago, I jokingly posted how myself and a couple of other members are “divorced people stuck in married mind frames.” Very true on my part. My brain seems to relate better to the concepts of committed or long-term relationships than those of casual dating and single life. Guess that definitely contributes to why I have decided to hangout in a forum called “Talk About Marriage”. LOL!!! The irony is, I’ve never done the internet forum thing until joining TAM.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> Not that long ago, I jokingly posted how myself and a couple of other members are “divorced people stuck in married mind frames.” Very true on my part. My brain seems to relate better to the concepts of committed or long-term relationships than those of casual dating and single life. Guess that definitely contributes to why I have decided to hangout in a forum called “Talk About Marriage”. LOL!!! The irony is, I’ve never done the internet forum thing until joining TAM.



I can relate. It's difficult for me to get in a "single" frame of mind. It just seems odd that any relationship I have now will have to start as dating, which is starting all over. I had that taken care of for 18 years. 

I like to continue hanging around here. It's a great forum.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I joined last year during the biggest crisis in our marital history, it was inter-religious, and a lot of other issues (some still present) underneath it. The forum has helped a lot with support and advice, and now I'm back, to deal with the same BS as last year it seems, but at least the religious difficulties are out of the way.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My unique situation makes me not want to open myself to people in my real life. I am nice to them, but they know nothing intimate about me! 

Both of my family and my husband's family are far away from us, one is in China, the other one is in Canada, we live in Taiwan, my association with them is only through emails and phone calls. 

I used to be with a religious group, but then I stopped going to their meetings because they are too controlling. 

Last year I discovered the fun of forums, they really help me become a free bird. 

But I don't like forums where you see a lot of rude people and the moderators don't do anything about it. I also don't like forums where a bunch of women there showing off their COACHES, LOUISVITYONS and TIFFANY's.

I am Chinese, I used to go to Chinese forums. But then this day I searched for Marriage forums in English, and TAM showed up! I was thrilled because I like to talk about relationships with my husband. Now TAM gives me more opportunities to hear other people's view about marriage and interpersonal relationships. 

It really opened my mind. Here I say it actually in a negative way, I didn't know that westerners are so struggling with their marriages. I was surprised to find out that a lot of women don't like to have sex. 

I was more passionate last year. I think I am talked out, I don't feel like reading or posting a lot anymore. I still post because I like TAM. It is the only forum I go to! I spend most of my time reading books now! 

I wish I could be more helpful, but I feel what I say is usually against what people think here. And my personal opinion is people have to help themselves, they can get support and comfort here, but if they want real help, they have to examine themselves and change themselves instead of wanting to change their spouses.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

looking for a pro marriage site that helped me keep an eye on the prize


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> My unique situation makes me not want to open myself to people in my real life. I am nice to them, but they know nothing intimate about me!
> 
> Both of my family and my husband's family are far away from us, one is in China, the other one is in Canada, we live in Taiwan, my association with them is only through emails and phone calls.
> 
> ...


I enjoy your points of view. I find you to be somewhat subservient on one level but respected and treated well in return (from your H). I came here trying to learn communication tips in my marriage (can be kind of cold and reserved) and get help on blending families. I'm drawn to the infidelity posts for simple reason that my coldness and reservedness (is that a word?) Allows me to take step back instead of dealing with emotions. Background in law enforcement helps me with stealth tricks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> It really opened my mind. Here I say it actually in a negative way, I didn't know that westerners are so struggling with their marriages. I was surprised to find out that a lot of women don't like to have sex. .


I don't want to get way off topic, but I found this interesting. Do you find that not as many women that you know dislike sex. If so, what do you think is a key factor?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

southbound said:


> I don't want to get way off topic, but I found this interesting. Do you find that not as many women that you know dislike sex. If so, what do you think is a key factor?


Hope I don't derail more! 

I know my boss doesn't like sex, one of my neighbors doesn't like sex, one of my co-workers doesn't like sex. They are the only people who I asked. And all these three women are not happy in their marriages. Chinese don't like to talk about sex with other people! It's a taboo topic for us. 

Their material life is all fine. My boss makes a lot of money a year. My neighbor works for the government, her husband works for a construction company. My co-worker's long-term boy friend makes high salary. Actually my husband and I make the least. So I don't think material life helps people happy. 

I don't know why they don't like sex. I only know that they are not happy with their life. 

But from books I read, I feel that women love sex just as much as men. They do all they can to get what they want. A lot of women cheat too because they can have wild sex with men they are excited about. 

I used to think western women love sex because of all the movies I watched. They gave me the impression that they know how to enjoy sex. Actually Chinese are learning from western culture, they are becoming more casual and open about sex. My husband told me that a lot of western women don't like sex, I didn't believe him. 

Right now something is crossing my mind. Women and men are about the same. After a couple of years of being together, infatuation is gone, passion is gone, sex is not wild anymore. It is getting boring. It is like having a new car, after you have had the car for a couple of year, your excitement is gone, you want something else to get you excited. But we can't view marriage like having a car. We have to accept the fact that we can't always have exciting life, we have to accept the fact that our life will become boring one day,and we have to make the best of it. A lot of people leave their marriages just because they are bored in that relationship, not because of something bad. In this area, Chinese women are more enduring. 

Of course in a lot of marriages, there are bad communication and misunderstanding, doubt and hurt.

In my opinion, when you are not happy, you don't have the mood for sex. But who is responsible to make you happy. You yourself or somebody else. If you expect somebody else to make you happy, then you will probably will be disappointed. 

And my attitude is to provide my husband sex first, so he is happy, then he will do things to make me happy. Not he does something to make me happy first, then I want to have sex with him.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> I enjoy your points of view. I find you to be somewhat subservient on one level but respected and treated well in return (from your H).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get hammered a lot here, but I also get a lot of encouragement from people like you! 

That's one of the reasons I am still here!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I was the high drive spouse trying to figure out why my husband wasn't interested in me. Ended up here. After a few smacks on the head myself I got it. We are now on the mend and sex is no longer my main focus. I know now that the lack of sex was just a symptom of a much bigger problem.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I was looking for an online support group once I began to learn of my ex's infidelities. A quick google search led me here. Most of my time is spent in the "coping with infidelity" section. The people there have been very helpful.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> My unique situation makes me not want to open myself to people in my real life. I am nice to them, but they know nothing intimate about me!
> 
> Both of my family and my husband's family are far away from us, one is in China, the other one is in Canada, we live in Taiwan, my association with them is only through emails and phone calls.
> 
> ...


Greenpearl, I used to work with a guy who was married twice, here in the U.S. Then he vowed that he hated all American women and went to the Asian countries to find a wife there and bring her back because he said he wanted a woman to obey him and wait on him hand and foot. The woman he found did that and she even tied his friggin' shoes before he came to work! I don't know if all women submit to their men in the Asian countries like this, but here women are brought up now to expect the same treatment they give to their man. It's all about equality here. This guy hated that mentality and said it was different over there. I don't know because I've never been there and I can't say for sure why westerners have a higher divorce rate other than we don't put up with what we consider B.S. I don't know about the sex thing because I, personally, love sex and wish my husband and I had more of it.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

I stumbled upon this site after doing random searches for advice on marriages. After 18 years of a mostly good marriage, the past 7 months have been really rocky. I had een abusing alcohol (since then no longer an issue) and my wife's controlling behaviors were starting to get to me. She began questioning our marriage saying things like "I have to figure out if this is good for me." "I have to figure out what I'm doing with my life." and throwing out the Divorce word more and more. Something I never, ever even considered. So, for awhile I was left on the sideline, not sure what to do. Once the drinking was under control, then she would bring up issues from years ago, and characterize how I made 'the past 18 years so difficult.' (She in the past had commented how strong she thought our marriage was and her satisfaction with it.) We bagan MC (which she's said a number of times how surprised she was that I would do this . . . I had been treated for major depression some years ago - I have no fear of therapy as it helped me termendously with the depresssion). She has also commented that she sees I am committed to this marriage (I hadn't thought I'd given her reason to think otherwise). We have 3 children (16 - 11) and, I think, they consider me a good Dad. 

Well her talk of divorce really floored me. And even as we started MC, things were progressing slowly. I would think that things have been going well and she would bring up stuff that wasn't . . . once the alcohol was not an issue, my anger issues rose to the surface (which I don't think is anything out of control . . . eg I would never even consider hitting her or the kids). The therapist as been a ray of reason in this whole thing. After weeks of her insisting that I need help with the drinking he asked her, if I have been drinking - "No", has he been drunk, "No" so . . . he says to her, maybe this is not a problem anymore. Duh!

Anyway - after our last session, I pretty much lost it with her (in the session) and told her that maybe I should lave so that she can find a perfect person to be with (admittedly, I'm not fitting that bill!) and that I wonder what will be the next issue with me once she controls me into being whomever she currently wants me to be (clearly, I am oblivious to all my problems - and state this often). The therapist summed up that we have a lot of major issues to contend with. I refused to speak with her that evening (since the last time, I got angry and had to hear about it for weeks). The next day she was more affectionate and caring. She said she wanted to schedule another appointment to tell the MC that she loves me and doesn't want to lose me. These most recent events seemed to have scared her into seeing that perhaps she doesn't have it all that bad afterall. She also was concerned that I have been stressed out . . . yeah (?!) . . . a guy might be a bit stressed when his wife of 18 years is talking divorce - and having to face whatever my life might be like after. Anyway - things (for the past few days) have been looking up and we see the MC again tomorrow. Sorry for the long post but I guess I just wanted to get this out there.

And BTW - the folks on this site have some terrific insights into so many things. Thanks for sharing


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## Trying my best (May 2, 2010)

I mainly lurk. Some of the stuff here applies and thus is helpful, some doesn't. But that's because my husband is unique. Mainly, these boards don't help me understand him better, but they help me understand me better.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Trying my best said:


> I mainly lurk. Some of the stuff here applies and thus is helpful, some doesn't. But that's because my husband is unique. Mainly, these boards don't help me understand him better, but they help me understand me better.


Good point! I feel like I need to "understand" my x wife's need to get a divorce, but I don't think I will ever understand. I guess I can just try to learn and better myself in case another relationship happens.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

stillme4you said:


> Greenpearl, I used to work with a guy who was married twice, here in the U.S. Then he vowed that he hated all American women and went to the Asian countries to find a wife there and bring her back because he said he wanted a woman to obey him and wait on him hand and foot. The woman he found did that and she even tied his friggin' shoes before he came to work! I don't know if all women submit to their men in the Asian countries like this, but here women are brought up now to expect the same treatment they give to their man. It's all about equality here. This guy hated that mentality and said it was different over there. I don't know because I've never been there and I can't say for sure why westerners have a higher divorce rate other than we don't put up with what we consider B.S. I don't know about the sex thing because I, personally, love sex and wish my husband and I had more of it.


Women who grew up in China are not submissive anymore, especially in the cities. We are taught that men and women should be equal too. Communism teaching. So actually divorce rate in China is pretty high too. But we have our own unique problem. Because of one child policy and Chinese culture, children now are pretty spoiled and self-centered, we call them "Child king" in the families. They don't know how to share, they don't know how to get along with others, a lot of them divorce right after they get married. For the older generation, like my age, we are still more traditional. 

Women in Taiwan are pretty submissive to their husbands, Taiwanese women are more traditional than Chinese, they actually have kept a lot of good culture old China had. If we don't talk about the exceptions, women here are pretty nice. They look after the old and take care of the young. But men take advantage of this, a lot of men cheat, have mistresses, go to prostitutes, so it is not that great. 

I think women in Japan and Korea are even more submissive than Taiwanese women. They are the kind of women who will bring your shoes and wait for you. Taiwanese women don't do that anymore. But I don't think those women are happy with their husbands. A lot of men don't treat their wives respectfully, they leave home early, they come home late. All they do is providing financially. I read that there are a lot of divorces after the men retire and they have to live at home all day. The wives just can't put up with macho men all day and all night. 

I was influenced a lot by Chinese traditional culture. I like to read. I was taught if you want to conquer your man, there are two ways, one is to cook him good meals, one is to have wild sex with him, we are also taught that you have to be respectful towards your husband, he is the head of the family. I wasn't submissive before( I grew up in new China), but I listen to good advice. It just happens that my husband is smarter than me, so I have to take his advice more often. My husband is Canadian, to be honest with you, he was fed up with western society, that's why he left Canada. He doesn't like opinionated women either, so he knew that he didn't want to date western women, he knew that he couldn't handle them. It is our luck that we met each other, because I like western men. I think they are more romantic in bed!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Searching for answers as to why my H was shunning me sexually. I felt positive about our sex life for a short time when first reading these boards, then I discovered there was more going on in our relationship unrelated to sex. 

I suppose like a lot of people here, we ask questions, we try to figure out how we feel....the answers are actually already inside of us but we have this need to connect and bounce ideas and perspectives to get to that place.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

...and hopefully we do help each other too, or at least provide different perspectives.

Perhaps pride prevents me from sharing my sexual issues with friends. There's something strangely valued in having anonymity and not being told what someone _thinks_ you might want to hear.


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## rolltidemom86 (Jun 29, 2011)

because i have a flirting addiction i googled it and this was the first site, its helped me tremendously, i don't have many adults to interact with..people here are very friendly,outspoken and not afraid to hurt your feelings just so you can get the point i like that


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

At first I was hesitant about joining because most 'marriage' forums are conversations adapted towards heterosexual relationships. But I feel we all have something to share in our commitment to our partner. I want to be a part of a forum that explores, discovers and celebrates the dynamics of intimacy and I see those types of discussions from the posts I've read here. So jumping in...


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## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

I'm here because I'm giving up on ever being "heard" or validated by my wife. Trying to figure out some way to cope since it's not so bad that I want to leave the kids.

She can only see the world from her limited perspective and judges everything by that limited viewpoint.

In short, feeling isolated, lonely, and desperate.


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## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

I came hear looking for answers in a private setting. Somethings I was too embarrassed even to talk to a therapist in the eye and talk about (Like my husband staring at other women). I also look for company and someone to "talk to" as I am alone a lot since moving to a small town with a husband who spends most of his time golfing or with his friends at the bar -- leaving me at home to fend for myself. I am surprised a lot of times how we have same problems in common. That my situation is often not unique. But sometimes I get depressed at the answers as they are not what I want to hear (though it is what I should hear).


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## Charmed37 (Aug 13, 2012)

I came here because I was lost....this forum has been my new found gps to many things. It's opened my eyes to many things I'd never before even considered...


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## uraha (Jul 9, 2012)

I never wanted to find a forum like this...but find it I did, when I did a search on "trial separations" a few months back. I also found a wealth of information that has helped me considerably in dealing with my own marital issues.

Fortunately, though, it looks like I won't be needing that information on trial separations anytime soon.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I came here because I started dating my now fiancé more and more intensively but had some idea that he was still in communication with someone he had briefly dated which overlapped the time that we started dating.

I'm tired of this "just a friend ex" phenomenon that seems to be growing in our society. It seems that many 20 and 30 something women are viewing male friends as a fashion item. See this web site: Gaggle 101 « The Gaggle

Before I came here, I did snoop as my fiancé left everything open around his place and found that not only was he still in touch with this woman and didn't tell me, but she got better treatment than he gave me and at a time when he insisted that they only saw each other as "just friends." That's when I told him, I want to be just friends too then if that meant that he would pay for all the dates instead of nickel and diming me. And then I could also date other men at the same time as she was doing --with his full knowledge.

I also found out that he talked to her about our sex life. 

I should also add here that the situation was even more clear cut as I had started chemotherapy and wasn't working and he makes 6 figures and has no dependants. 

Going to most relationship boards, you will find that many people --but usually the female posters -- who will defend OSFs because they have so many male friends. On Love Shack, there's even female poster who claims (proudly) that her male friends treat her better than they treat their wives. Wow, when someone compares getting a free dinner to sharing a home with someone, this society is definitely going to hell in a hand basket.

In any case, this board has been the best for support in this area. And therefore, I no longer need to discuss these matters in enemy territory.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I originally came because I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to bolster the confidence of the guy I was dating whose wife had cheated multiple times and finally had separated and started dating. What I was doing was intuitive and I got confirmation that I was doing the right things - reassurance, transparency for him to gain trust, compliments.

So now that I've helped him get his groove back, he has more confidence in himself but took a step backward in pain and guilt, etc. from the marriage and isn't sure how he feels about me. He thought he should feel love after about 6 months because he did the other times but I'm not sure that he should under the circumstances.

So now different situations and Life after Divorce forum, General Relationship stuff and the Social spot are visited more often than CIW. And they were all right that he likely wasn't ready for a relationship which they warned me about back in July. *sigh* 

Now they can help me get past that along with my RL friends.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I wanted opinions on how I reacted to my wife when she started corresponding with an EX-BF and I just stuck around.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

came on looking for a couple things.....marital advice, someone unbiased to vent to, and learned I was not crazy, but also some tactic, things I forgot and that I don't have it so bad.


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## LearningLifeQDay (Oct 20, 2012)

This site pulls our relationships off the lovely tree and peels off the rind exposing the sweetness and tartness. I love the car analogy from greenpearl. We live in a disposable society and even our relationships (friends, family, work...) have become disposable to a great extent. But it's in our choice to decide whether our relationships will stay exciting or become boring. It's all about our mindset and level of energy we want to expend in our relationships. That's what brought me to this site. I know that I don't have the focus,desire and maturity needed to be in a strong, lasting relationship. So, I'm learning from all the posts and your many replies.


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## Just-A-Girl (Nov 9, 2012)

My motivation is... 
I have a problem and I need an advice. I went through many websites and forums, but I liked this place most of all. 
I see I did right. People are saying things that I would say, if my mind was clear.
Thank you, everybody!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I joined because i thought my husband was having an affair.


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