# Hating Myself



## rock bottom (Jan 7, 2013)

I have been married for 10 years. During this time I fell out of love with my wife. 5 years ago I had a relationship with a girl over the span of 5 months. I had sex with her one time and as soon as I did I felt horriable about what I have done. I ruined my marriage and my life as I knew it. I decided to not tell my wife and tried to bury it and never bring it up. Recently I realized that I really did love my wife and decided to tell her that I had this affair. It was hard to tell her and to see the disappointment in her eyes. I dont blame anyone or anything about the choices that I made. I told her that I would be totally open and honest about the whole thing but I first i tried to lie about certain facts because I didnt want to hurt her further. As of last night I truly became open and honest about everything which I know is what she needs to help process everything and get through this. I really want to do everything that she needs me to do to help with this horriable situation. She doesnt beleive that I am being honest because I was from the get go. I feel that she will not ever trust me again and I don't want to lose her or my family. I realize that I should have thought about this before I did what I did but now I just feel like I am at rock bottom because I have done all the wrong things. Can anyone give me advice as to what should I do to get through this. I know everything is about what she needs. I have gone to see a professional and I am trying to find my way to god to help but I just feel empty.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Be honest with her, and hope she finds a way to forgive your transgressions. 

Don't expect her to ever fully trust you again, that just aint never gonna happen, think of it as the price you paid for one night of gratification.


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## rock bottom (Jan 7, 2013)

I am being honest with her. I am giving her all the details no matter how much I know that they will hurt. She doenst believe me because i choose to hide other things when I first told her about everything. I know I can build the trust back up but I know it will never be 100%. She wants me to stay somewhere else for a little bit and I know that is what she needs but I just want to be around her to let her know that I truly am sorry and that I want to make things better. In the end I know it is her decision to make and I will accept that, I just cant imagine what I will do with my life without her. I made the mistake and I have to live with it. I love her with all my heart.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

offer to write every detail down if she wants. But it may be better to offer to take a polygraph exam. Offer to take a temporary extra job to pay for it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You made decisions throughout your marriage for yourself, but also for your W without her knowledge. She had no input or control over your decision to cheat or to hide it. She had no control over your choice to tell her about it - when to tell her, how much to tell her. You made unilateral decisions about things that impact her life in the most fundamental ways.

And now you have no control over how this will go. Finally, your W is in a position to make a decision for herself. You can only give her the complete truth and the time she needs to process and come to terms with what her life has become. Remember that this is all new to her. You've been living with it for a long time. Also remember that you can trust her, but she can't trust you.

The best you can do is respond positively to whatever she asks of you. You have zero control over this, so you will have to be patient.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

rock bottom said:


> I told her that I would be totally open and honest about the whole thing but I first i tried to lie about certain facts because I didnt want to hurt her further. As of last night I truly became open and honest about everything which I know is what she needs to help process everything and get through this. I really want to do everything that she needs me to do to help with this horriable situation. She doesnt beleive that I am being honest because I was from the get go. I feel that she will not ever trust me again and I don't want to lose her or my family. I realize that I should have thought about this before I did what I did but now I just feel like I am at rock bottom because I have done all the wrong things.


Trickle truth: Death by a thousand cuts.

You really have dug yourself into quite a hole with all the half truths and "little" omissions to spare her feelings, huh? She thought she had all the truth and then one day pop out with, "Oh wait, I left out the worst part of my betrayal". How do you expect her to feel? She thought she had the truth, and then you lay the _real_ truth in her lap. I agree with her. How can she trust you again? How can she believe she _really_ has all the truth now?

Polygraph....that's how.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Trust once gone is gone.

Now the only way to get her forgive you is to remain COMPLETELY HONEST.

No trickel truthing. All passwords shared. All details of your whereabouts, what you do, needs to be shared and you should stick to it.

She is now hurt badly and it will take a long time for her. I believe women are blessed with forgiving nature, if you are sincere.


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## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

All betrayed have to live with this question:
Do we have the full truth or not? What is still hidden? What do we do not know?

And I do not think this will ever go away.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

OP, I feel for ya, but if you play - you eventually gotta pay. 

Been there, doing that. 

Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rock bottom (Jan 7, 2013)

Dont get me worng. I know that I have to be completly honest with her and I am. She does not belive me and I can deal with that because I have caused that issue. It gets hard sometimes because it seems things are going to be better and then they get worse. I am truly sorry that I did what I did to her but I keep messing up by not being thoughtful on day to day issues. I have made a list to try andhelp me be a better person and I am trying that out. I guess I just get frustrated and I know I shouldnt because I have caused this and I accept that.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Keep trying and hang in there.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

You're gonna be on a roller-coaster ride, my friend. 
Get used to it.
You'll discover eventually if you two are meant to be. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you have now told her the complete truth, then you have to stay completely consistent in that from here on out. 

Trust will probably never be completely rebuilt, but she can regain some of it. It will take time, though, so you have to force patience on yourself. And understand that you can't make her come to the decisions you want. She may not be able to live with this. You have to accept for now that you do not have final say in anything.

You're in a position now where you have to prove your steadfastness and loyalty. This will take time. If you really want her to choose you, you have to stay the course, stay honest, be loving and patient, and be willing to do whatever counseling she wants.

Here is the thread of a man who also discovered that he loved his wife after he had cheated. He confessed and was working hard to reconcile. Perhaps some of the comments will help:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/54638-should-i-confess-my-wife.html


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Leuven said:


> All betrayed have to live with this question:
> Do we have the full truth or not? What is still hidden? What do we do not know?
> 
> And I do not think this will ever go away.




:iagree:


I agree. I know for me, it will never go away


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