# New here! Husband’s mood swings + lack of ambition



## Brooblyn (May 23, 2019)

Hi everyone, wow, where do I begin? 

I’ve been married 13 years. Husband is generally a good person, but he get into very irritable horrible moods, until he smokes his weed. Then things are just fine. He’s unbelievably aggressive to our children, even when he doesn’t need to be. Then he smokes and all is better. He makes nearly 90k less than I do. I take care of all the financial anything in the house, from car payment to credit cards. When he does get paid, his main focus is getting marijuana. Earlier this year I asked him if it’s time to get a better paying job; he had every excuse in the book. Also, he gets annoyed when I ask him where he spends his money. I don’t have the luxury of blowing all my money on recreational activities (weed) because I like to stay on top of our bills. 

He gets to still function like a boy, financially, while I have to be the mom. And the. He has the nerve to tell him I treat him like one our children. This is the same person who doesn’t prioritize supporting his wife and children. 

When I want to go on vacation, I have to find the money. 
If we need a new car, I have to find the money. 
If something breaks in the house, I have to ask him countless times to get it fixed. It is so exhausting. We literally once lived without a working sink, instead of him calling the plumber. I finally did after weeks of being afraid to hurt his ego as the man of the house. 

And let me not forget the kicker. He has never bothered to buy me a wedding ring. When I ask him why, he has every excuse in the book. 

He is not a bad person, he’s attentive to our kids, doting father when he’s in a good mood. but he highly, highly flawed. I’m exhausted. 

What can I do?


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

*Re: New here! Husband’s mood swings + lack of ambition*

Sounds like he has a chemical dependency that has extended to most of his life's interactions... when was his last physical?

Sounds like if he cannot give up the smoke then it may be time for a rehab course of action.

Of course, he may choose not to and leave you to decide if his actions are worth your efforts.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: New here! Husband’s mood swings + lack of ambition*

He doesn't function like a boy he is a boy. You can't be his mother for forever.

I agree with the post above though, he sounds like he is a functioning addict who is slowly losing it.


----------



## LimaTango (May 7, 2019)

*Re: New here! Husband’s mood swings + lack of ambition*

I think you two need to have a serious discussion about contributions to the family wellbeing. Probably going to need some ultimatums to get him into gear.

You can't keep being the main breadwinner and still take the lead on household chores/maintenance. At some point.... you're going to be resentful as hell. I'd guess you're already there. I think it's imperative that you see him as sharing the burden of maintaining the house and making money. It's time for him to grow up. 

And I agree with above posters about chemical dependency. Is weed legal where you live? I don't have a moral issue with smoking weed.... but if he's at risk for arrest, that's not good either. Are you sure that's all he's doing/taking?

Have you tried marriage counseling?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: New here! Husband’s mood swings + lack of ambition*

He sounds like he is an addict and addicts put themselves first. Tell him to shape up or shift out. Go see a lawyer, he can still be made to contribute financially. How much does he earn a year? 
You do know that he is a very bad example for your kids?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: New here! Husband’s mood swings + lack of ambition*

He needs to be checked out by a psychiatrist. This is because he probably needs prescription meds and only Psychiatrists can prescribe.

And check out divorce laws in your area.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

*Re: New here! Husband’s mood swings + lack of ambition*

He does everything he can to avoid responsibilities -- like a 12 year old. Unfortunately he has a family so he DOES have responsibilities. You need to hold him accountable.
Tell him HE needs to contribute to the household costs by a fair percentage (based on what he makes vs you -- so if your income is 70% to his 30%, then he needs to contribute at least 30%). 
His money should be direct-deposited since he can't be trusted to handle it himself.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

He just sounds like another one of your children. 

Sadly, he just sounds like a useless weight around your neck in* every conceivable way* - financially, physically, emotionally, intellectually, and the list just goes on. And from the sounds of it, I'm willing to bet the kids fear and loathe him MORE than they love and admire him (because you said he's very aggressive with them but you also contradicted yourself and said he's a 'doting' father). If he's doting, it's probably just because he identifies mentally with the kids more than he does grownups. Ugh.

I'm just curious as to why you're still wasting your time with him.

I'm guessing it's because you'd feel too guilty leaving the man-child on his own to have to fend for himself because he probably has no clue how to do it. If that's the case, take a few months to show him how grownups pay bills and food shop and houseclean and cook and wash dishes and do laundry, etc. etc. etc.

It would just be so sad if you're basically sacrificing your happiness year after year because you have to raise this man-child along with your real children. I'd be SO long gone by now.


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

I agree with everyone who says he is addicted.
Sorry you are going through this.

Not maybe but he is !! He is irritable until he smokes
weed. 100 % addicted, can't function with out weed ?
Spends all of his money ( family money really ) on weed.
When he doesn't have any weed he has withdraw symptoms.
Irritable,upset, and maybe even becomes physical if he doesn't
get weed ? 

How often is he buzzed around your kids ?
Does he smoke around you and your kids ?
Second hand smoke can and does get people high.
Does he drive with your kids in the car when buzzed ?
Are there any other things he uses ? Drinking ?
How do you feel about him being high around the kids ?

He needs serious help to get off of the drugs. Don't
try and do this alone because it will not work. Many addicts 
will just replace one thing with another sometimes. Sorry to say
this but what if he does something because he is buzzed ? Who 
will have to pay damages, and deal with the problem ? YOU !!

He is a little boy and needs drugs to deal with life. He needs to go
because he isn't contributing anything positive to the family. I do not
want to offend you but as long as you let him do this he will continue.
13 years is to long, way to long. To some degree you are enabling him,
not helping him or your family. 

If you are doing everything yourself why have him around ?
He needs to admit first that he has a problem or it will never 
get fixed. You need to admit he has one also and stop tolerating 
this stuff that he is putting you and your family through.


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Couple of questions for you. Ten years ago did you have a problem with his "smoking"? When you were dating and early into your marriage did you join him in the activity?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He sounds like dead weight. Dead weight with anger issues and a dope addiction. Why would you even WANT to stay married to this?


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

BigToe said:


> Couple of questions for you. Ten years ago did you have a problem with his "smoking"? When you were dating and early into your marriage did you join him in the activity?


Irrelevant to the current situation. 

It is common for both members of a couple to drink together. But if one becomes an alcoholic, the fact that they started off together in no way lessens his personal responsibility to learn how to control his behavior.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

You make 90K more than him? 

That's a huge difference. So either he is making very little, or you are making a whole helluva' lot. 

What that means is that either he is contributing nothing, in which case you need to offload him like yesterday...

... or....

You are fully capable of supporting yourself and the kids without his help and you need to off load him like yesterday.


And as little as he makes, he contributes even less, since he's spending so much on dope and not able to contribute to family activities. That pretty much cements the deal. 

You're too good to go through life with a millstone around your neck.


----------



## Brooblyn (May 23, 2019)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Sounds like he has a chemical dependency that has extended to most of his life's interactions... when was his last physical?
> 
> Sounds like if he cannot give up the smoke then it may be time for a rehab course of action.
> 
> Of course, he may choose not to and leave you to decide if his actions are worth your efforts.


Thank you. He hasn’t had a physical in a long time. We are seeking counseling, but I fear I’m wasting my time at this point 🙏🏾


----------



## Brooblyn (May 23, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You make 90K more than him?
> 
> That's a huge difference. So either he is making very little, or you are making a whole helluva' lot.
> 
> ...



So well said. I need this kind of perspective and hard truth. I think I’ve spent my entire marriage waiting for his potential to show up. Carrying him is beginning to feel like baggage. I’m so disappointed. I’m also really really scared to step out on my own. Ugh


----------



## Brooblyn (May 23, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> He sounds like dead weight. Dead weight with anger issues and a dope addiction. Why would you even WANT to stay married to this?


Lately, I ask myself this all the time. I’ve been seeing a therapist and realize I have an issue too; mine is trying to heal the wounded at my own detriment. And there are struggles with self worth, which I didn’t even realize until recently.


----------



## Brooblyn (May 23, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> He just sounds like another one of your children.
> 
> Sadly, he just sounds like a useless weight around your neck in* every conceivable way* - financially, physically, emotionally, intellectually, and the list just goes on. And from the sounds of it, I'm willing to bet the kids fear and loathe him MORE than they love and admire him (because you said he's very aggressive with them but you also contradicted yourself and said he's a 'doting' father). If he's doting, it's probably just because he identifies mentally with the kids more than he does grownups. Ugh.
> 
> ...


To be honest, the biggest issue is fear. Fear of being a single mom. I have no real family so he is my family. So there the fear of being alone. But I have hope. The fact that I’m even on this board sharing something I never discuss with anyone feels like an awakening. I’ll keep sharing and mustering up the courage. The writing is on the wall.


----------



## Brooblyn (May 23, 2019)

sa58 said:


> I agree with everyone who says he is addicted.
> Sorry you are going through this.
> 
> Not maybe but he is !! He is irritable until he smokes
> ...


It’s taken me all these years to realize what a terrible situation I’m in. I spent too many years trying to fix it by hiding the problem from everyone, thinking I had to deal with it alone. And you’re right, sometimes I enable him in order to have a good day like please smoke so we can have some peace. It’s horrible. He gets really argumentative when he hasn’t smoked, we all withdraw. then he smokes and wonders why all of us have withdrawn. Then he goes out of his way to be nice. I really hate that my children are seeing this behavior. I’ve told him that he needs help; of course he won’t go. I also think there’s a bigger mental health issue at play beyond the marijuana. I’ve recently started wondering if he could also be bipolar. Please pray for me. I’m working through this day by day. I will find a way out. And thank you for responding.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Brooblyn said:


> It’s taken me all these years to realize what a terrible situation I’m in. I spent too many years trying to fix it by hiding the problem from everyone, thinking I had to deal with it alone. And you’re right, sometimes I enable him in order to have a good day like please smoke so we can have some peace. It’s horrible. He gets really argumentative when he hasn’t smoked, we all withdraw. then he smokes and wonders why all of us have withdrawn. Then he goes out of his way to be nice. I really hate that my children are seeing this behavior. I’ve told him that he needs help; of course he won’t go. I also think there’s a bigger mental health issue at play beyond the marijuana. I’ve recently started wondering if he could also be bipolar. Please pray for me. I’m working through this day by day. I will find a way out. And thank you for responding.



Alright, I'll be the pro marriage guy here....

Help him! He's dependant. Idc what pot smokers say, you absolutely can be hooked on pot to the point of needing it. IF you want to remain married, and IF you have any love for him at all at this point, help him! You enable the behavior.

I'll let you in on a pothead secret... We don't like it when we aren't high for the first 2-3 weeks after coming down. We don't like life. At all. Work sucks. Home life sucks. Everything sucks. You realize life is just some race and the only ones set to win are the ones who put in the work before the race. A pothead never realizes the race has even started. You numb yourself, and then the work doesn't seems so bad. You're just going though the motions. 

Here's the real secret, some people are just able to go through life and NOT want to get ****ed up. What is that secret? I would love to find it. 

How is the fit otherwise? I love this question. Throw out the addiction issues. Yes, issues. As in, if he gives up pot, he's going to turn to something else. Replace pot with alcohol, how does that help? Replace it with pills, whatever. So what is the fit otherwise? Good? Decent? Poor? Excellent? 35 years, I've never seen an excellent fit. Ive only seen really good at best. Take that into account too btw. If you have a good fit, and his addiction issues are the big problem, you can overcome it together.

If there's still a sliver of hope, and that is coupled with actual real love, you would search for ways to cope and deal with this issue, maybe even solve it together. You certainly aren't alone btw. But yeah, I'm more leaning on the side that you are fed up with his issue and you don't give a damn enough to help anymore. If that is the case, just cut and run. Save him from some trouble as well, not just yourself if you are done. Just cut and run. 

Not for nothing, but sometimes we escape because there's things we don't like about our spouse that we would just rather get high and cope with than stay sober and deal with. Just sayin...


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So you are encouraging her to continue enabling him? That’s absurd! If he doesn’t want to stop, he’s not going to, and she is fully within her right to say she’s had enough. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I hope you realize you've been your husband's enabler all these years. I want to, hopefully, give you some incentive to leave this dead-end marriage. I've done it. I made money less than you. But I not only survived, I thrived once I got the alcoholic out of my life.

Please believe me, only your fears of WHAT IF are holding you back. Now is the time to focus on WHAT IS: You are married to a man-child addict. Give him weed, and he's a great guy. Deny him weed, and he's a monster.

YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE SUBJECTED TO THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR. EVER.

I'll just sign off saying, I walked out on a man who tried to kill me the night I left. He died in 2008. I'm alive and kicking today. I've outlived to alcoholic husbands. And I enjoy every single day of my life.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It's not called the gateway drug for no reason. Torment is headed your way in due time.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He needs rehab and THEN counselling.

Counselling alone and before rehab won't make a damned bit of difference.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm sorry for your situation. I lived a life like yours (but no children). My live in bf of 12 years smoked a ton of weed. Disclaimer: I am a recreational smoker, too. There are responsible weed smokers and potheads. I fall into the first category. The difference between myself and your husband (and my ex bf-notice I said EX?!!), however, is my bills are paid, my husband and I equally share the financial burdens, and I don't "need" a bowl to get happy or function. I don't smoke all the time. It's my beer after work at times and a "reward" for having a good week of eating clean and working out.

I strongly believe weed can be highly psychologically addictive. When my ex bf was out, I would drop everything and get some to appease his temper. (He was physically abusive.) It would appease him for a bit but like you, I think there's MAJOR mental health issues like bi polar. He got off on raging. It was horrifying. 

I finally got the courage to leave. It got dangerous for me to stay. I stayed so long for 2 reasons: I knew something was seriously wrong with him. I'm a helper by nature, even to my own detriment. I tried to get him into counseling and doctors. Nope. And like you, I was also afraid of being alone. So I get it.

But there comes a time when you have to cut bait and RUN. Your husband has become a huge liability to you and your children. You will magically have all this money all of a sudden. I thought I had won the lotto. No joke. I had so much money after I left.

His problems are above your pay grade. He is a barnacle and you need to scrape him off. It frightens me to think he is driving high with the kids or smoking in front of them or even in close proximity. And add into the mix the whole legal problems that can arise if it's illegal where you live. I assume his job doesn't do random drug tests?

I've walked in your shoes. I hate that you're living this life.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> So you are encouraging her to continue enabling him? That’s absurd! If he doesn’t want to stop, he’s not going to, and she is fully within her right to say she’s had enough.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Nah, I'm encouraging to find a different path and to stay married. Everyone is on the divorce train. Which is fine, but this IS a marriage forum, and often people call for divorce for small issues here. Probably because they have their own failure of a relationship I guess. Or they are already divorced. Lots of quitters on this site who encourage everyone else to just quit too. 

There's ways to put an end to it. She's just got to deal with the first 2-3 week fallout and be strong. Stick to her guns. Its about 2-3 weeks of him being irritable. First 3 days being the worst, then it gets better and better. 

Or you can just walk away. Not putting much effort into fixing anything or help the man you gave your word to spend the rest of your days with through sickness and health and all that. Truth is, you enabled everything forever. This marriage is in its current situation due to you just as much as him. Work on fixing what you helped to break, or just throw it all away. Your choice.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Only a certain type of man would try to guilt a woman into staying with an angry addict.


----------



## Brooblyn (May 23, 2019)

lucy999 said:


> I'm sorry for your situation. I lived a life like yours (but no children). My live in bf of 12 years smoked a ton of weed. Disclaimer: I am a recreational smoker, too. There are responsible weed smokers and potheads. I fall into the first category. The difference between myself and your husband (and my ex bf-notice I said EX?!!), however, is my bills are paid, my husband and I equally share the financial burdens, and I don't "need" a bowl to get happy or function. I don't smoke all the time. It's my beer after work at times and a "reward" for having a good week of eating clean and working out.
> 
> I strongly believe weed can be highly psychologically addictive. When my ex bf was out, I would drop everything and get some to appease his temper. (He was physically abusive.) It would appease him for a bit but like you, I think there's MAJOR mental health issues like bi polar. He got off on raging. It was horrifying.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I honestly feel like I'm living a double life and I’m keeping some dirty little secret behind closed doors. On the outside we’re this nice looking family and yet we deal with all this drama at home. I have so much shame around my situation. The kids watch Fortnite and describe tantrums as “raging.” This morning my son said, “why is daddy always raging?” Ugh. A lot of our fights start because he picks on the children when he’s in those moods. I’ve literally stopped going to restaurants with him and the kids because he always finds “something” they’re doing wrong. Then he nitpicks, then we argue because I’m telling him to just forget the small things-kids will be kids. Then the evening is ruined. Like clockwork, this happens every time. As a result, I avoid public outings with him and our children. 

This thread had really helped me 1. Realize I’m not crazy for the unease I’ve been feeling, 2. Take a hard look at how I’ve participated in enabling him and 3. Get serious about an escape plan. 

I moved across the world to marry this man and I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate the sacrifice, the hard work, the care I put in to maintain our family and lifestyle. In all, thank you🙏🏾


----------



## Brooblyn (May 23, 2019)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> 3Xnocharm said:
> 
> 
> > So you are encouraging her to continue enabling him? That’s absurd! If he doesn’t want to stop, he’s not going to, and she is fully within her right to say she’s had enough.
> ...


I hear you and respect your perspective. I just can’t even get him to the 2-3 week withdrawal period. I didn’t realize I was enabling until recently. I accept that I have. We are going to get counseling and I hope this helps. I’m at my wits end though because I’m at that point in my life where I start thinking about getting old and needing a partner who will bring me joy. I don’t envision growing much older with my husband. I sit and daydream about a future with a happy man who simply loves to laugh and is lighthearted, not mr moody and angry if I don’t smoke weed. Let’s hope counseling will bring him some clarity and encourage him to change.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> Only a certain type of man would try to guilt a woman into staying with an angry addict.


An addict who had others help them overcome? Yeah, I would probably be dead if I didn't have others who cared enough to help. Most people just want to toss an addict in the trash and forget they ever existed. That's fine too I guess.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Brooblyn said:


> I hear you and respect your perspective. I just can’t even get him to the 2-3 week withdrawal period. I didn’t realize I was enabling until recently. I accept that I have. We are going to get counseling and I hope this helps. I’m at my wits end though because I’m at that point in my life where I start thinking about getting old and needing a partner who will bring me joy. I don’t envision growing much older with my husband. I sit and daydream about a future with a happy man who simply loves to laugh and is lighthearted, not mr moody and angry if I don’t smoke weed. Let’s hope counseling will bring him some clarity and encourage him to change.


You enable it by giving in. Cut the money flow for weed. Then when he's Mr Moody, tell him you and the kids are going out because he's being a jerk. Then take the kids a go somewhere. If he's physical with you, I would change my tune. Has he been? I might have missed that. If he's ever been physically abusive towards you or the kids, drop him like yesterday. If he hasn't, and hes just an angry jerk when he's coming down, you can get past it. Takes work, and more than anything it takes all of your strength to not give in. Counseling is a good step, but he may need accountability partners or some sort of rehab group. The other thing that helped was finding new hobbies. An addicts brain needs something. Anything. Something that is work, but doesn't feel like it because its fun. Sitting around going through day to day life and routine sober after doing it high for so long is a great way to create Mr Moody. Avoid that. Switch things up where you can.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> Only a certain type of man would try to guilt a woman into staying with an angry addict.


Btw, people should feel guilty for how they treat addicts. Just toss them in jail right? Because **** those people. Out of sight, out if mind.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Addicts don’t get a free pass to treat their loved ones like ****. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Actually all he needs is something BETTER to do.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Addicts don’t get a free pass to treat their loved ones like ****.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Never said they did. Seems enablers get a free pass though. Help create the mess. Do your part to facilitate the addictions. Turn a blind eye when you need to. Do your part in helping someone spiral out of control. Provide them with money to keep their addictions going. Probably a lot of "maybe you should go smoke" comments when he wasn't in the best of moods. Encouraging them to continue doing what they are doing. Then you just drop them and move on. Leave them in a mess you helped to create. Wash your hands completely of that person, then leave them to fend for themselves and continue to spiral out. 

So brave to be able to walk away from that.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Btw, people should feel guilty for how they treat addicts. Just toss them in jail right? Because **** those people. Out of sight, out if mind.


No, addicts should get the treatment they need. Jailing an addict does nothing but endanger and harden them. But no one is obligated to be tied to an addict who has zero compunction to change for the rest of their lives. There comes a point when it IS too much.

Your hyperbolic rant is noted, however.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Never said they did. Seems enablers get a free pass though. Help create the mess. Do your part to facilitate the addictions. Turn a blind eye when you need to. Do your part in helping someone spiral out of control. Provide them with money to keep their addictions going. Probably a lot of "maybe you should go smoke" comments when he wasn't in the best of moods. Encouraging them to continue doing what they are doing. Then you just drop them and move on. Leave them in a mess you helped to create. Wash your hands completely of that person, then leave them to fend for themselves and continue to spiral out.
> 
> So brave to be able to walk away from that.


takes both an addict and an alanoner to keep the cycle going. At some point, one or the other of them decides to break the cycle. Unless they BOTH decide to break the cycle, the marriage usually falls apart.

The idea that I must remain because I have always remained is ludicrous.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> takes both an addict and an alanoner to keep the cycle going. At some point, one or the other of them decides to break the cycle. Unless they BOTH decide to break the cycle, the marriage usually falls apart.
> 
> The idea that I must remain because I have always remained is ludicrous.


The idea is if you played a part in creating a mess within your marriage, you should exhaust all efforts to fix the issue, and hopefully help the addict overcome their addiction in the process. Takes two to tango absolutely. However, helping create a mess in your marriage, then walking away from it because suddenly you no longer like living in the mess you helped to create, is the opposite of courage and strength.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> The idea is if you played a part in creating a mess within your marriage, you should exhaust all efforts to fix the issue, and hopefully help the addict overcome their addiction in the process. Takes two to tango absolutely. However, helping create a mess in your marriage, then walking away from it because suddenly you no longer like living in the mess you helped to create, is the opposite of courage and strength.


That makes sense. I must have missed the posts where the OP has made absolutely no effort over the years. I had the impression that this has become more and more unbearable over time and that he has ignored or resisted any pleas or attempts on her part.

Only the person in the situation can determine what "exhausting all efforts" means. Some people think I should have left a decade before I did. Others were disappointed I didn't just stay.

This is none of my business, but are you a recovering addict? There are strong opinions, and then there is angry defensiveness.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> That makes sense. I must have missed the posts where the OP has made absolutely no effort over the years. I had the impression that this has become more and more unbearable over time and that he has ignored or resisted any pleas or attempts on her part.
> 
> Only the person in the situation can determine what "exhausting all efforts" means. Some people think I should have left a decade before I did. Others were disappointed I didn't just stay.
> 
> This is none of my business, but are you a recovering addict? There are strong opinions, and then there is angry defensiveness.


OP said they are just about to start counselling. Seems he agreed to that. There's hope here if one cares to see it. 

Sometimes I think they should rename this forum to "talk about divorce" because that is the vast majority of the advice given out here. "Why are you still with them? I would go see a lawyer like yesterday and get out of there!" Basically most of TAM posters "advice" regardless of the situation or issue being discussed.

Also, I hate the term "recovering" addict. Nobody recovers. Its a battle every ****ing day.


----------

