# Roles of working Dad and stay-Home MOm



## hemi68charger (Jun 28, 2016)

Hello All..
New to the place.. Did a search and came across the forum. This may not be the appropriate board for this question, so I apologize if it is in the wrong place... 

I have been married to my wonderful wife since 2003.. Like most, we have had our typical up's and down's. The earlier years obvious had more up than downs and it seems things in the down department are starting to catch up. 

I work as a professional scientist in the oil/gas industry and have been able to be blessed in keeping my job. She is a stay-home Mom, domestic engineer, housewife, not-sure-what-to-call-her since she doesn't like any of those titles..

We have a 15 year old soon-to-be-10th grader son and a 11 year old soon-to-be-5th grader daughter. She is mine with my wife and he is my step-son from her previous relationship. He was 2 when we got married and I have taken on all financial and medical responsibility from his dead-beat Dad.

My wife has been a stay home mom for the past nearly 4 years. She's now able to do the things she's always wanted to do, but couldn't, with my step-son and his older brother when she was a single Mom. I provide all financial income, retirement plans and medicial benefits for all members of the family. I love the fact I have been able to provide for my family in such a way that enables her to stay home, use live a fairly nice middle-class lifestyle, provide for all activities the kids wanna do and for her and I, the financial freedom in our future retirement years. I will have my 401K and Pension from my previous employeer, my 401K and Pension from my current employer, Air Force retirement and like her, Social Security.

Along with having pretty much full reign in the house ( decorating the nest to her liking ), she also now has the ability to earn income in a hobby she's always liked, estate sales. The problem though is the clutter this has been bringing into the house. I am a very detailed oriented sort of fella, I loath clutter, messes and live my the saying, "Put it back where it belongs" and leave things as they were or better. My role in the family from a home and financial point of view is simple, provide a home, electricity, water, food, etc that everyone needs and she's the homemaker.

Am I asking too much to have the house in an order that I prefer? She has her own "office" for her Mary Kay and "repurposing stuff", why can't it stay in there without the feel of a guilt-trip on my part? I don't bring my greasy car parts from the garage into the house, they stay out there. I am not asking for a spot-free house in terms of a "white glove" inspection, but loath the look of stuff piled in various rooms of the house... If she wants to blossom this into a full blown business, then she should get a storage unit or something, no? Also, something like this shouldn't have a negative impact on the day-to-day activities of a homemaker. As a person who has to go to work every day for 12 hours, I think a 30 minute trip throughout the house before I get home is warranted. We have gotten into arguments over this as one would probably guess. The unfinished projects and clutter usually get cleaned up after certain episodes, but it shouldn't be that way. 

Personally, I wish I could just take a day off from work ( equating to the ability of her not wanting to cook anything some particular night ), but I can't. I have to be at work every day and the fruits of my labor in that regard are seen 24/7, every time someone turns on a light switch, lives with A/C down here in the South and when she takes off in her new car (She has always had a new ride for a couple of years, then gets another)....

I did ask her once what she was going to do with the money she earned if this new endeavor blossoms.. She wasn't quite sure. When I told her she needs to invest into a retirement fund for us, that didn't settle well.. After all, why should I be the only source of financial freedom into the future?

OK. This was LONG winded....

Thanks..
T


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yes, I think you have a right to have your home be your home and not every room be a warehouse for stuff. 

Yes, I think you have a right to ask whether she will contribute to your joint marital finances if her business actually brings in income at some point. It's only fair since you have been supporting her, her son, and your daughter. Also? these estate sales? Is he BUYING all this stuff she is warehousing in your home? How much does that cost? Is she basically buying a bunch of stuff and isn't selling? How long does she expect you to pay for buying all the stuff that is cluttering up your house?

From what you've written, it sounds like she is happy to let you do all the earning even now, and does not feel the need to contribute. If you disagree, it's time you two had a discussion about it. She won't change unless she realizes that you are serious about feeling taken advantage of and that you don't want to live in her warehouse.


----------



## hemi68charger (Jun 28, 2016)

norajane said:


> ... Also? these estate sales? Is he BUYING all this stuff she is warehousing in your home? How much does that cost? Is she basically buying a bunch of stuff and isn't selling? How long does she expect you to pay for buying all the stuff that is cluttering up your house?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your feedback...

A LOT of the stuff she currently has in "her woman-cave" has been from going antiquing and estate sales during the week over time. Now, she's interested in being the person that actually RUNS the estate sale for people. I have a gut feeling that this will lead to even more stuff ending up at the house, the stuff that she thinks is of value, and it very well be. BUT, the house doesn't need to be her business warehouse. She wants me to be relaxed when I get home, but I tell her, I can't when I see things either out of place or cluttered/piled in other rooms other than hers.. She tells me she'll get to it, my thoughts are she should have already gotten to it. Maybe she needs to get her day going at 4:40 am like I do.. The garage is off limits ( but that is a struggle too since things still end up there "temporarily". I have classic cars in there that are my hobby and don't want any accidents and I like my room. I purposely make sure things are tidy in there.

Again, I have no problem with her doing this or doing that, visiting with friends over coffee and/or lunch, going to places with the kids and/or student activities and heck, even spending the money that's in the bank account on her business ( isn't self-sufficient yet ). But, I don't want it to compromise her role and duties of the home and family. Afterall, I work my hiney off 12 hours a day.. She cooks, washed and all the other stuff as would be expected, but I think it is unfair that I can't set some benchmark of what constitutes clean and not.... She's not a messy person by any stretch of the imagination, but just doesn't focus on finishing one thing before she starts the next and to her, they aren't big deals... For me, it is...... After all, she knew she was marrying a 21 Air Force NCO who likes tidy.....


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are being way too logical. And logic will get you exactly no where with her in terms of convincing her to do something. Your marital problem is not much different than most marital problems.

Within the realm of your marriage there are things she needs, things you need, things she provides to you, things you provide to her, things you would ideally want her to do but you accept that she does not, and things she would ideally want you to do that she accepts that you will not.

So one piece of advice is to think about where you are at in meeting her needs and what you are failing to meet that she is accepting. Because she needs to rationalize doing something she does not want to do for you against how happy she is overall with you as her husband.

The answer to solving this marital problem is to tell her that this is important to you, that you feel you are being taken advantage of (i.e. being used as a doormat), and that it's up to her to decide what kind of wife she wants to be. 

That's all you can do. Be a good husband and offer her choices to make for herself that would define her as a good wife in your eyes.


----------



## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

T, you're not being unreasonable. But you and she are goig to need to negotiate this a bit better.

There's a not insignificant emotional transition going on there, shes begun to work, and with that, a change in both your routine, finances...and clutter.

I think you should come at it from that perspective, it's harder to argue about fact than it is about feelings...and see if you can't slowly evolve plans to address the changes you're having difficulty adapting to. 

Your education and profession as a scientist and an engineer helps and hurts here: On the one hand, we all know how orderly you guys are :grin2:, yet your ability to see the bigger picture and appreciate the value of slow, incremental change will help you achieve your desired goals. Right now, it's the former that is predominant for you, but if you use those other abilities, you should be able to get to where you want to go. 

Just go slowly and be willing to accept some stuff for a while like the clutter and her need to buy stuff immediately with her new found fortune), before "anxieting" about the delta btwn where you are and where you ant to be.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Some people are inherently selfish. What if her selfish overrides her desire to work with him on this?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Are you sure you want to make such a big deal about this?

Is it worth the discontent it may bring in the relationship overall?


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

hemi68charger said:


> She wants me to be relaxed when I get home, but I tell her, I can't when I see things either out of place or cluttered/piled in other rooms other than hers.. She tells me she'll get to it, my thoughts are she should have already gotten to it.* Maybe she needs to get her day going at 4:40 am like I do.. *The garage is off limits ( but that is a struggle too since things still end up there "temporarily". I have classic cars in there that are my hobby and don't want any accidents and I like my room. I purposely make sure things are tidy in there.
> 
> Again, I have no problem with her doing this or doing that, visiting with friends over coffee and/or lunch, going to places with the kids and/or student activities and heck, even spending the money that's in the bank account on her business ( isn't self-sufficient yet ). But, *I don't want it to compromise her role and duties of the home and family.* Afterall, I work my hiney off 12 hours a day.. *She cooks, washed and all the other stuff as would be expected, but I think it is unfair that I can't set some benchmark of what constitutes clean and not...*. She's not a messy person by any stretch of the imagination, but just doesn't focus on finishing one thing before she starts the next and to her, they aren't big deals... For me, it is...... *After all, she knew she was marrying a 21 Air Force NCO who likes tidy....*.


I was going to ask if you were perchance military or an engineer of some type. I see you've answered that - and it's "both". 

So, your wife is, in fact, keeping up with all of the housework and other tasks typically expected of a housewife? So the actual problem is that she's not meeting _your_ standards. Was the house to your standard until nearly 4 years ago, when she was also working outside the home? Did she maintain that, or were you a part of housekeeping when she was also working? 

To he honest, you sound pretty resentful of your wife. The comment that maybe she should get up at 0440 like you do has little to nothing to do with the state of the house. Rather, it betrays that you resent that she doesn't have to keep the same hours you do. Would all of the issues you have with the housekeeping go away if she were working outside the home again? And you say she should know that you like tidy. Did you somehow miss, in all the years you've been together, that she's not naturally as tidy as you are?


----------



## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Some people are inherently selfish. What if her selfish overrides her desire to work with him on this?


Livvie, it remains to be seen what the outcome will be, the advice I offered is based on what I believe to be a method that addresses the real issue..a significant set of changes in their lifestyle, rather than feelings alone or either of their behaviors...the change itself is what needs to be discussed. That doesn't involve me doing arm chair diagnosis of her motivation (or his)..just the facts presented...and a plan to try to address the concerns.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just need to sit down and not let her cry/bully you out of the conversation, and stay there until you hammer out what the solution is going to be. Yes, you have the right to expect what you're asking for. And if she refuses to go along, you have the right to say you're then going to consider not giving her access to any more money for this 'hobby.' In a nice way, of course.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would suggest having her rent a storage unit to keep those things in. If she is seriously going to make a business, she is going to be gaining inventory. Seems logical to have a place for these things, and they don't need to be in your house. If not a storage unit, then maybe you can purchase a small outbuilding like a shed or something instead.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Hmmm...my advice...if she is holding it down with the kids, and things in the bedroom are fine. I say let it go. Pick your battles. Its just clutter, you can always help clean up before company comes or after work. You pay bills. Big deal, she is raising your kids. SAHMs aren't Stepford wives. Something has to give. Balancing the kids, meals, the house, and time with you is a delicate balance. You can complain if you want, but the only thing that will do is take effort from one area and shift it to another. You'll get more out of her by building her up, than nitpicking about clutter. Game isn't just for single dudes, it works in marriages too.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> Hmmm...my advice...if she is holding it down with the kids, and things in the bedroom are fine. I say let it go. Pick your battles. Its just clutter, you can always help clean up before company comes or after work. You pay bills. Big deal, she is raising your kids.


No way.
You obviously don't have a hoarder for a spouse. It is NOT 'just clutter.' My H took over an entire kitchen cabinet with his paperwork he won't get rid of. And one of the kitchen counters. And the bar table. And the top of his dresser. And the floor under his dresser. And two shelves under the tv. And the floor under his side table. And three of the six drawers in his dresser. And the coffee table and side table in the living room. And a complete bedroom with just his stuff. And a three-car garage, filled 10 feet high with his stuff.

If a person has a disorder that's taking over the house, you can't just let it go. Because it never ends. It just takes over.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cut to the chase. Tell her that when you come home and see piles of crap all over the house that you are going to pick up a pile and throw it in the trash. And, you will do that every day until there are no more piles of junque cluttering your beautiful home. She can get her crap together and put it in a storage facility.

There doesn't need to be a meeting of the minds, here. You've already asked her to stop doing it. Her lack of effort tells you that she doesn't see it as a problem, her attitude is 'suck it up buttercup'.

Stop spoiling her. She can drive a car for, oh hey, three years. Stop funding those piles of crap laying around the house.


----------



## hemi68charger (Jun 28, 2016)

Thanks for all the replies...

To address some... 
1. Am I resentful that she gets to sleep in and doesn't have to wake up at 0440 like I do ( and probably will for the next 10-15 more years since we have a son and daughter to fund college ).

2. I am a believer is equal efforts on the marriage team. After all, there's no where in this world that someone can live without some more of work and/or effort ( unless one totally lives off the land ). 1. So, say I'm the one the totally funds the roof over everyone's head, pays in the insurance and property and school taxes, her role is to maintain it. Now, does she get the luxury of also determining what is sufficient maintenance and upkeep?
2. I fund the electric, water, tv, cell phones, internet; they use it. They meaning the kids as well.
3. I fund the medical, again, they use it. May point out, that I also take care of all these costs of my step son, which should be the responsibility of his dad, but I do it gladly...
4. I, via my careers, have our retirement funds growing for those eventual years..... She doesn't have anything in that regard, maybe social security if it is still around

The very act of what she doesn't have to think about has value in its own right.

I did tell her, if this latest adventure in capitalism blossoms, she'll need to get a storage facility nearby and trade her Durango in for a truck.. I have my truck and I keep it up in a certain manner. If there's continued borrowing of it for hauling stuff here, there and to the dump, she'll need to get her own......

In a nutshell.. I guess I'm confused on what's fair and what's not. Do I not have anything to say about the house? When one goes into the house, it reflects all her decorating tastes and I have no problem with that... Heck, I'm a car guy, but only put those sort of decorations out in the garage or upstairs in my half of the single room up there.. Julie, my 10 year old, has laid claim to the other side with her doll house.

I wish I didn't have to work and feel the pressure of being the primary breadwinner. It isn't out of resentment. It is a true feeling and a heavy one for any husband and father. As far as my pet-peev of the clutter, I won't let anyone diminish that or belittle it. I am who I am and I make no apologies for it. After all, the person I am has allowed me to keep a nice job in a very volatile industry. I provide a very nice lifestyle for my family and they don't have many "withouts".... With that said, I think it is only fair that I can have a home that makes me feel comfortable and relaxed as well. If it is something she normally wouldn't do, chalk it up to "work" like I do. There are many days I wish I didn't have to go, but I go nonetheless........ 

If what I ask for in return is too much in return for what I provide ( and when did provide become such a 4-letter word ), then maybe I'm not cut out for marriage...


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

As a husband...you should provide the support for the woman and children you have because it's what you both want to do and have promised to do. 

Listing in such detail...all the things you provide...I hope like hell you didn't do that with her.....because it begs the question...Do you see this as some sort of business relationship? You provide funds while she provides sex, hot meals, cleaning and laundry???

IMO...Taking this discussion the way you are...will NOT get you where you want to be...far from it. 

What's more important to you? a content and happy family..or a house devoid of clutter? Have you thought about hiring a maid? It's not very expensive...and will get you the result you are looking for....

What is it...exactly...that you want her to do?


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

turnera2 said:


> No way.
> You obviously don't have a hoarder for a spouse. It is NOT 'just clutter.' My H took over an entire kitchen cabinet with his paperwork he won't get rid of. And one of the kitchen counters. And the bar table. And the top of his dresser. And the floor under his dresser. And two shelves under the tv. And the floor under his side table. And three of the six drawers in his dresser. And the coffee table and side table in the living room. And a complete bedroom with just his stuff. And a three-car garage, filled 10 feet high with his stuff.
> 
> If a person has a disorder that's taking over the house, you can't just let it go. Because it never ends. It just takes over.


We don't know the degree of clutter. We CERTAINLY don't know that it rises to the level of disorder. One man's clutter is another man's a-ok. One man's clean is another man's uptight. 

Using your husband's extreme assholishness as a model for other people's behavior does not make a lot of sense. You need to recognize that your DH is NOT normal.

OP to the degree you CAN, see if you can let this go.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You might have to take the initiative and go get the storage unit for her and drag all of her crap out there. And let her know her hobby/parttime thingie cannot come into the house. Before you know it the whole house will be run over with her things.

I had this problem. I was making soaps and I had my oils and stuff all over the basement. I took over the basement. There was no room for anyone else. My husband made me some cupboards with shelves around the perimeter of the room and told me to put my things away nicely or he is throwing them out. I did not realized my things were all over the place, to me they were in my reach and accessible. Now everything is in it's place and we are not arguing about it.

So, you have to take a stand on it.

Now about the roles of the two partners. I believe that this is a partnership and we each have roles to play but the roles are equal. I am a SAHM mum for over 10 years. Just because you earn the money does not give you more rights than me.

I take care of the house, the kids, the bills and household finances. My role as the housewife means I clean, cook, grocery and do laundry. As the care taker of the kids: I am responsible for taking them to school, track homework and projects, volunteer for school events and make sure they are supported in their schoolwork. I take care of our household finances by taking care of our rental, paying bills and making our investments. I call myself the managing director of our home. 

My husband's job is to make the money and do any household repairs as needed. Sometimes, things happens and I have too much on my plate and can't handle everything. Thats when he steps in to give me a hand. 

For me this works well because I feel like I am doing my share to take care of our family. When I was selling my soaps, I used that money to pay for my supplies and buy stuff for the kids or food. It was very time consuming and was starting to take up too much of our weekends to tell at fairs etc, so I stop it to concentrate on the kids. 

So, if you feel that any part of this is not working for you, then, you much have a discussion to figure out how to reconfigure this partnership so it can continue to make sense and work for both of you.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> You might have to take the initiative and go get the storage unit for her and drag all of her crap out there. And let her know her hobby/parttime thingie cannot come into the house. Before you know it the whole house will be run over with her things.
> 
> I had this problem. I was making soaps and I had my oils and stuff all over the basement. I took over the basement. There was no room for anyone else. *My husband made me some cupboards with shelves around the perimeter of the room and told me to put my things away nicely or he is throwing them out.* I did not realized my things were all over the place, to me they were in my reach and accessible. Now everything is in it's place and we are not arguing about it.
> 
> ...


Smart man...actively assisting with solutions for the problem while insisting that something be done....Not just whining about it.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think they OP feels resentful that they are not each contributing the same energy into their life together!!


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hemi68charger said:


> Thanks for all the replies...
> 
> To address some...
> 1. Am I resentful that she gets to sleep in and doesn't have to wake up at 0440 like I do ( and probably will for the next 10-15 more years since we have a son and daughter to fund college ). * 0440 is a bit early for anyone. My SAHW gets up with me at 0700 with me. I cook her breakfast. I'm the only source of income. I have no issue with this. *
> ...


I'm in a similar situation, however, without my W at home I could not do all I do. My W appreciates all I do and says/proves it everyday. She is respectful of me and my time.  I appreciate all she does. We simply could not live like we do without the roles we have in our home.


----------



## hemi68charger (Jun 28, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Smart man...actively assisting with solutions for the problem while insisting that something be done....Not just whining about it.


If that's directed to me, then that's something that's "resentful". I have built cabinets in her carftroom, I have assisted her in her latest endeavor. I have helped, but there are things that she has to do.. I have built flower beds that have never been used and grow nothing but weeds.. She had her "hobby" of repurposing things that she finds at antique stores and estate sales. She has a dedicated room for it. So, it is ok for her to bring and start storing these items in stacks and piles throughout the house? With that said, I can bring in my greasy-dirty engine parts from the garage and lay them around? I'm sure she would have something to say about that..... Or, I could start taking down some of the decorations throughout the house that she's taken the time to place and exchange it with car-art? 

I am not resentful and actually proud that I HAVE the ability to enable her to pursue opportunities that she wasn't able to do before we got married as a divorced single-mother of two. She could never think of antiquing, going to women's bible group or now, this new passion/interest of hers to pursue operating/running estate sales. She can pretty much do anything she wants... ALL I ask is for her to finish a project that she starts and not clutter the house with all this "stuff" ( i.e, empty old picture frames, old light fixtures, antiques, etc. )....... She's doing a great job in other areas, but should respect the fact that I like tidy.. Simple, put the hobby stuff in her room and put things back where they came from or belong.... She doesn't pick up after me, why should I pick up after her?


----------



## hemi68charger (Jun 28, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> I'm in a similar situation, however, without my W at home I could not do all I do. My W appreciates all I do and says/proves it everyday. She is respectful of me and my time.  I appreciate all she does. We simply could not live like we do without the roles we have in our home.


4. I, via my careers, have our retirement funds growing for those eventual years..... She doesn't have anything in that regard, maybe social security if it is still around *You appear to be only concerned with yourself. 
*

Oh really? It is the truth? Sooooooo, why am I not entitled to get help for retirement? That statement seems a little one-sided... if I was TRUELY only concerned with myself in this regard, I would have a separate independent retirement fund, she could go out and get a job for her financial freedom ( but she doesn't have to, I gladly work for a retirement for both of us )...... Lordy...... So... her not caring about how I feel about the house doesn't constitute her being only concerned about herself? 

*Sir, without your W at home do you think you could have done all you have in your career? Your W enabled you to be all you can be at work to do well. Childcare and home care is not that groovy. The pay is even worse.*

The pay is worse? Dude, or dudette, we both live in the same house, eat the same food, enjoy the same insurance benefits, watch the same tv.. How is the pay worse? During the day when I'm at work, if she's with friends, she can socialize... Pays for that straight out of the bank....... Whenever she goes antiquing or to an estate sale, it is paid straight from the bank....... How is that worse? The funds are available 24/7 to her...... I didn't say Childcare and home care was groovy.... It takes effort.. I am totally with that. You're missing the point.... I am responsible.. I have a responsibility to her, to the kids, to my boss and my Lord... Now, she has a responsibility to me, the kids and the Lord.. There's one less......... Do I complain when she's not in the "mood" to cook dinner and we eat leftovers? No,,, I totally get it...... By the same token, I just can't tell my boss, "Sir, I just don't wanna do that or get you this today".... I wouldn't last long, now would I. The ability to "NOT" do something on any particular day has value. It might not be tangible, but it IS worth something........ When she did work during the first ten years of our marriage, we didn't have these "clutter" situations..... She was at work, not antiquing and looking for stuff to repurpose on her spare time........ If she's got enough spare time during the week to do these things, she can spend an hour or so to put things back where they belong ( her craftroom ) before she takes off or before I get home. The alternative is I take care of it................ That usually doesn't end well.....


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, if you've never done so, I highly recommend that you and your wife buy the books _Lovebusters_ and _His Needs, Her Needs_, both by Willard Harley. Read them together, starting with _Lovebusters_, and answer the questions/do the exercises they describe at the ends of the chapters. I think it sounds like the two of you could use some help with learning to understand and meet one another's emotional needs in order to build love, while not doing things that can destroy love in a marriage.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rowan said:


> OP, if you've never done so, I highly recommend that you and your wife buy the books _Lovebusters_ and _His Needs, Her Needs_, both by Willard Harley. Read them together, starting with _Lovebusters_, and answer the questions/do the exercises they describe at the ends of the chapters. I think it sounds like the two of you could use some help with learning to understand and meet one another's emotional needs in order to build love, while not doing things that can destroy love in a marriage.


You beat me to it!!! 

good post


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

hemi68charger said:


> If that's directed to me, then that's something that's "resentful". I have built cabinets in her carftroom, I have assisted her in her latest endeavor. I have helped, but there are things that she has to do.. I have built flower beds that have never been used and grow nothing but weeds.. She had her "hobby" of repurposing things that she finds at antique stores and estate sales. She has a dedicated room for it. So, it is ok for her to bring and start storing these items in stacks and piles throughout the house? With that said, I can bring in my greasy-dirty engine parts from the garage and lay them around? I'm sure she would have something to say about that..... Or, I could start taking down some of the decorations throughout the house that she's taken the time to place and exchange it with car-art?
> 
> I am not resentful and actually proud that I HAVE the ability to enable her to pursue opportunities that she wasn't able to do before we got married as a divorced single-mother of two. She could never think of antiquing, going to women's bible group or now, this new passion/interest of hers to pursue operating/running estate sales. She can pretty much do anything she wants... ALL I ask is for her to finish a project that she starts and not clutter the house with all this "stuff" ( i.e, empty old picture frames, old light fixtures, antiques, etc. )....... She's doing a great job in other areas, but should respect the fact that I like tidy.. Simple, put the hobby stuff in her room and put things back where they came from or belong.... She doesn't pick up after me, why should I pick up after her?


No, not directed at you.

But, you asked a great question...why should you pick up after her? 

Have you ever sat down and dissused your expectations...clearly, with her and she does the same?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

What does she say when you talk to her about it?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hemi68charger said:


> 4. I, via my careers, have our retirement funds growing for those eventual years..... She doesn't have anything in that regard, maybe social security if it is still around *You appear to be only concerned with yourself.
> *
> 
> Oh really? It is the truth? Sooooooo, why am I not entitled to get help for retirement? That statement seems a little one-sided... if I was TRUELY only concerned with myself in this regard, I would have a separate independent retirement fund, she could go out and get a job for her financial freedom ( but she doesn't have to, I gladly work for a retirement for both of us )...... Lordy...... So... her not caring about how I feel about the house doesn't constitute her being only concerned about herself? * It is not one sided. You did not read my post. If it was not for what your W has done keeping house and raising kids you would not be where you are in your career. So, what part of your wifes life helping you get to were you are do not understand? Examine a single mom and dad raising kids. I do everyday. My BiL has his struggles juggling all and sometimes in detriment to his career. Understand you did not get to where you are all by yourself. *
> ...


It really does appear you have a lot of resentment. My W cooks, cleans, has $$ to spend. Can come and go as she pleases. But you know, she is the school bus, the clothes washer, house cleaner, food shopper and spends a good part of her time getting things done so we can have our weekends free as well as our evenings. Most days do not end for her until 10 pm. Truth is...there is no way I could do what I do if my W did not do these things. Helpmate as it were.

Perhaps taking a look at what your W does and not what she doesn't is in order? I can assure my W does not do somethings but that is not remotely close as to what she does daily. Even with our two kids grown and doing their own thing.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hemi68charger said:


> Thanks for your feedback...
> 
> A LOT of the stuff she currently has in "her woman-cave" has been from going antiquing and estate sales during the week over time. Now, she's interested in being the person that actually RUNS the estate sale for people. I have a gut feeling that this will lead to even more stuff ending up at the house, the stuff that she thinks is of value, and it very well be. BUT, the house doesn't need to be her business warehouse. She wants me to be relaxed when I get home, but I tell her, I can't when I see things either out of place or cluttered/piled in other rooms other than hers.. She tells me she'll get to it, my thoughts are she should have already gotten to it. Maybe she needs to get her day going at 4:40 am like I do.. The garage is off limits ( but that is a struggle too since things still end up there "temporarily". I have classic cars in there that are my hobby and don't want any accidents and I like my room. I purposely make sure things are tidy in there.
> 
> Again, I have no problem with her doing this or doing that, visiting with friends over coffee and/or lunch, going to places with the kids and/or student activities and heck, even spending the money that's in the bank account on her business ( isn't self-sufficient yet ). But, I don't want it to compromise her role and duties of the home and family. Afterall, I work my hiney off 12 hours a day.. She cooks, washed and all the other stuff as would be expected, but I think it is unfair that I can't set some benchmark of what constitutes clean and not.... She's not a messy person by any stretch of the imagination, but just doesn't focus on finishing one thing before she starts the next and to her, they aren't big deals... For me, it is...... After all, she knew she was marrying a 21 Air Force NCO who likes tidy.....


She does need a unit out of the house.

BTW, your story sounds fascinating. Air Force NCO to scientist? Interesting!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hemi68charger said:


> If that's directed to me, then that's something that's "resentful". I have built cabinets in her carftroom, I have assisted her in her latest endeavor. I have helped, but there are things that she has to do.. I have built flower beds that have never been used and grow nothing but weeds.. She had her "hobby" of repurposing things that she finds at antique stores and estate sales. She has a dedicated room for it. So, it is ok for her to bring and start storing these items in stacks and piles throughout the house? With that said, I can bring in my greasy-dirty engine parts from the garage and lay them around? I'm sure she would have something to say about that..... Or, I could start taking down some of the decorations throughout the house that she's taken the time to place and exchange it with car-art?
> 
> I am not resentful and actually proud that I HAVE the ability to enable her to pursue opportunities that she wasn't able to do before we got married as a divorced single-mother of two. She could never think of antiquing, going to women's bible group or now, this new passion/interest of hers to pursue operating/running estate sales. She can pretty much do anything she wants... ALL I ask is for her to finish a project that she starts and not clutter the house with all this "stuff" ( i.e, empty old picture frames, old light fixtures, antiques, etc. )....... She's doing a great job in other areas, but should respect the fact that I like tidy.. Simple, put the hobby stuff in her room and put things back where they came from or belong.... She doesn't pick up after me, why should I pick up after her?


You shouldn't.

But can you guess what's missing from this picture?

It's you standing up to her and saying 'I can't accept this anymore.'


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hemi68charger said:


> 4. I, via my careers, have our retirement funds growing for those eventual years..... *She doesn't have anything in that regard*
> 
> Oh really? It is the truth? Sooooooo, why am I not entitled to get help for retirement?


You ARE getting help for retirement. You are getting her help in running the household while you focus on work to bring in the money for your JOINT retirement.

If you simply can't stand that she's not working a job, then MAKE THAT YOUR HILL TO DIE ON.

You can't have it both ways. Either you're ok with her staying at home and see that YOUR money is money for BOTH of you...or you're not. 

And if you're not, you need to have a serious talk with her.

If you ARE ok with her staying at home, and concede that your salary belongs to BOTH of you, then the issue becomes simply that you are unwilling to tell her - afraid to tell her - that she isn't carrying her weight at home and she needs to step it up. And that is on YOU. Not her. YOU.

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?


----------



## BlueandBlond (Jun 20, 2016)

Being a person who loves cleanliness and order and who also believes that you put back things where you got it from and you pick up after yourself, etc. that would drive me crazy having things change in my home without any consideration from your spouse and how the house was before. I am home now and have been for 2.5 years and everything is spotless, and in order. When I was working FT and did EVERYTHING inside and outside the house, it was the same.....spotless, organized, neat and tidy, etc. 

I would be okay for a while if a new business was being developed and the house was being used temporarily for goods but there would have to be a room designation. If the business kept growing then there would need to be discussion as to what the next step is and therefore, another dwelling of some sort would have to used away from the house. The extra income would have to pay for that dwelling first and foremost and then I do agree that a percentage should be put away for retirement.

When a person is a certain way and when you are married for a long time, you can't expect that person to change. It won't happen. There needs to be compromise with an short term and long term plan. It is great that your wife is going out on her own but sitting down and discussing a plan might be helpful.


----------

