# Will it ever get easier



## crazybeautiful3333 (Jul 7, 2011)

Hello Everyone,

This is my very first post so be easy on me...

I have been in a committed relationship with my fiance for almost 6 years now. We have been through so much together. He is amazing in the fact that he is always here for me. 

We have a wonderful relationship and rarley fight. He is my best friend without a doubt and I feel very blessed to have him in my life. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him...However, you see that is where it gets scary...

I am afraid that if I choose to spend the rest of my life with him I am also choosing to be the primary bread winner forever and this is not something I want to do in the least little bit.

Now don't get me wrong I do not mind working. I understand that we are in the midst of a depression and that in order to survive we must work but I cannot go on supporting us forever.
I also cannot keep sacrificing my dreams and aspirations because we never have an extra penny....

I CANNOT keep doing this on my own.

Heres a little background info:

We got together young and moved in together with next to nothing almost 6 years ago. At the time I was in college. For the next four years we managed to survive by working 2 jobs a piece and me going to school full time...

Almost two years ago we relocated. I found a decent job and we managed to buy a house last year. However, hubby has yet to find stable employement, almost 2 years later. He works with a guy doing home improvement at the moment but the problem is the guy pays him next to nothing and the work is not always consistent. Sometimes he is out of work for months at a time. This means we cannot depend on his money for bills because we are not sure if it will be there. 

He has looked for different work but gets frustrated easily and IMO has not/is not trying hard enough.

I have asked him a million times if he would go back to school...he says he will but then makes no effort to what so ever. I think the only way he would go back is if I did all the work to register him but I do not feel like that is my responsiblilty nor do i have the time.

He just turned 30 and I am now really beginning to worry that he will never be able to support a family, or even equally help me support a family.

This whole time I have been very supportive if him and his situation. I even search and apply for jobs for him...but my patience is running out...

I'm very confused about what to do...In every other area he is perfect for me but I worry that if his financial situation doesn't change it will ruin our relationship down the road...

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here but I welcome any advice...


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Seems like you have already answered your own question. He hasn't changed and from what you are writing it sounds like he wont change. If you can't accept him the way he is you are best to move on...as hard as that may be. And who knows, maybe by you leaving he will change his ways and be more aggressive at finding full time employment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Let's say you leave him, and the nexy guy you be with ends up in the same situation in 6 years. You're going to leave him too? 

I personally have a graduate degree yet I couldn't find a job which I deserved, at least through my education. Yet I settled for a lower paying job because any job is BETTER then no job with no savings and bills racking up. The economy will pick up in few years and there will be better oppurtunities for people.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

and yes after not getting any response from multiple job application's I momentarily gave up trying too, but after a while I continued and found one.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

There's nothing wrong with wanting your fiancee to try. And, his unwillingness to better his skill set is as troubling (if not more so) than his inability to find a full-time job at this time. Employers might ask what he has done during his down time and just scrounging around is not the best answer.

But, you should look at the impact of your expectations. One, earning power is not all up to him. Making a great income means having an aptitude either for a profession that pays well (such as business or engineering) or for entrepeneurship.

So, looking for someone able to comfortably provide a middle-class life by himself will seriously limit your choices. You are excluding not only the skilled tradesmen of the world but also many professionals. I doubt a school teacher your age (even with a Master's degree), for instance, could meet that standard.

The second issue (admittedly from a guy's sensibility) is one of balance. You make it clear how you would like your future husband to use his time, energy, and talent. But, your emphasis on your hopes and dreams begs the question of where you expect to use _your_ time, energy, and talent.

Having a goal of being a SAHM and meeting the non-financial needs of the family is reasonable. Looking for someone to take care of business while you do your own thing might be... frustrating. You've seen how taxing it is to be the main bread winner, and you've been doing it for a relatively short time. It's reasonable to expect that any future husband would ask "what's in it for me".


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

I think you've heard the stereotypical statistic that finances is the number one cause of divorce.

I think there's probably a ring of truth to that if it, even if it isn't the number 1.

With that being said, if your fiance isn't willing to better his skills and isn't trying his best to be a bread winner then there will be trouble down the road.

This is a warning shot to the relationship, you had better heed it or risk problems later down the road.

Be open with him about how you feel, but don't be accusatory, saying things like you aren't doing enough. But rather let him know that *you* are feeling the financial burden and it is stressing you out and you can keep going like this and would like some help.

He can help with going to school, if he can't land a stable income.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to career and financial progress in life. I have seen many friends who have been written off by others as not having a future and they've turned out ok...finally finding something for which they can have some passion and they have become financial and career successes.

That said, at 30, you need to have a clear plan. Switching careers and having some uncertainty is OK but from what you are saying, he has not really started even his first career. Being poor is a typical part of being young but it gets old, especially if you want to have kids and your expenses increase dramatically and you want to have a more comfortable life.

I don't really have a magic bullet to solve this but I would not go into marriage ignoring this and just hoping it will resolve itself. I know some women who married guys like this and they are happy with them. BUT they knew this going into the marriage and they did not expect them to change...and the woman earned enough to support the whole family at the standard of living that she wanted in life.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Even though my husband will always make at least double what I do, I don't believe in just sitting at home doing nothing. I returned to school last January to train for a new career, since the recession changed the industry I was in. My husband has a deep respect for my decision to better myself and have my own money again.

It is very hard to return to school at age 30, because most people are much younger than that when they attend college. Better late than never, right? Your fiance needs to man up and make some changes.


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

This is only my opinion, but NO WAY would I marry him at this point. Stay engaged if you so choose, but I find his lack of motivation and ambition alarming. I realize men have grown to resent the idea that they be the sole or even the primary breadwinner, but I personally reject the idea of being a sugar mama for a man who is so picky that available jobs are too lowly for him. And the idea that he wants you to do the application process for either jobs or college seems way immature. He may be your best friend, but right now it doesn't seem he has the maturity to be a life partner.

And kudos to you for your willingness to work hard, your foresight, and your generosity!!


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