# Feeling desired through sex



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Men, I want to know if you feel validated or desired through sex. 

Do you feel a difference between being validated and being desired by your wife?

What does your wife say or do to make you feel validated? What does she say or do to make you feel desired? 

Is feeling desired less important than feeling validated?

When you and your wife have sex, do you feel desired? When your wife is engaged with you during sex, do you feel desired? Does good sex with your wife always make you feel desired?

Obviously duty sex and starfish sex do not make you feel desired, that's a given.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Whoooo boy . Where to start with this one...I have no doubt she has the best sex of her life with me, but don't feel terribly desired or like she finds me overly physically attractive. My wife has sex with me because she wants to have sex, not really because she desires me for me in any physical sense.

Don't really care about or need her validation any more in that regard.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Validated is what I feel when someone pays for my parking.
Desired is something I feel less than 2 times a year.
Apparently I need neither Validation nor Desire as I am still alive.
The answer to your real question is At this point in my life It would take a lot more that great sex to make me feel attractive, and important in her life. Since I haven't felt either emotion often enough to analyze it, I couldn't guess what would make me feel that way.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

If we think of 3 different terms:

*F-ing*: Getting your base needs satisifed
*Having sex*: Engaging in sex as a pleasurable activity in and of itself. Enjoying the activity because of the pleasurable sensory and emotional feelings.
*Making love*: Sex is part of the expression of love and emotional closeness.

I would guess men are most interested in the first two and women most interested in the last two.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@samyeagar

I knew you'd be jumping in this thread.  you have specific ideas of what you'd like you wife to do or say to make you feel like she desires you rather than you are the local penis holder. Do you feel like she takes you for granted in other ways? 

@Mr. Nail

I'm sorry I wasn't aware you felt neither important to your wife nor that she finds you attractive. If you don't know what you would need from her in order to feel important or desired, what is she doing (briefly) that makes you believe she doesn't? Is this an issue of neglect or an issue of acrimony/hostility?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

wilson said:


> If we think of 3 different terms:
> 
> *F-ing*: Getting your base needs satisifed
> *Having sex*: Engaging in sex as a pleasurable activity in and of itself. Enjoying the activity because of the pleasurable sensory and emotional feelings.
> ...


Not all women.

Making love can be boring. Getting ****ed can be awesome!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> @samyeagar
> 
> I knew you'd be jumping in this thread.  you have specific ideas of what you'd like you wife to do or say to make you feel like she desires you rather than you are the local penis holder. Do you feel like she takes you for granted in other ways?
> 
> ...


I don't really feel taken for granted in other areas per se, but I know she is very confident in me as a husband, and wheat I bring to the table.

As far as what I specifically need to feel desired, I don't have a specific set of needs there beyond what she outwardly expresses about other men.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Not all women.
> 
> Making love can be boring. Getting ****ed can be awesome!


It would probably be better if most women felt that way. In many of the low desire threads posted by men about their wives, I think it's because the W is only interested in the making love category. While there's nothing wrong with that, normal life means there will be times when daily stresses get in the way and having sex won't be a natural outcome of the relationship. But if the W also liked sex as a standalone activity because of the inherent physical enjoyment, then it would carry them through those stressful times.

So basically, if she's only interested in sex when her heart is bursting with love, that will be tough to achieve for any significant duration in real life. If instead she enjoyed regular O's just because they felt good, that's much easier to accomplish and there's more likely to be more overlap with the other categories.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

wilson said:


> If we think of 3 different terms:
> 
> *F-ing*: Getting your base needs satisifed
> *Having sex*: Engaging in sex as a pleasurable activity in and of itself. Enjoying the activity because of the pleasurable sensory and emotional feelings.
> ...


I think both genders are up for all three at different times. We all have moods. My wife, who is really big on time together being necessary to feeling close enough to want physical intimacy, and who much prefers tenderness and a gentle approach ... basically all the things we often associate specifically with women, has also told me there are times she just wants to get plowed. Imagine my surprise! Conversely, there are times I want to spend hours lavishing slow, delicate contact all over every square centimeter of her physical being as a path to the deepest possible emotional connection. 

Each has its place and time for pretty much all of us, regardless of gender (all the proportions may differ in the aggregate)

Now to tie this into the OP question. I may feel validate by sex. I may feel validated by her words. I feel validated simply by the fact she has been with me and only me for 31 years. All these things contribute to validation and all are necessary for the highest degree. Sexually, the ultimate comes in when we are both in sync with regard to which approach we are taking to sex--that when she just wants to get plowed, I'm nothing more than a randy dog looking to have my way with her--and that when I want to lavish hours of focused attention on her, that she is ready to receive. Reaching that level of communion is highly validating. However, being able to adapt when out of sync can be quite meaningful as well.

As always, balance is key.

edit: I'm not sure "feeling validated" is the best terminology, at least for me. I don't need sex for _me _to feel validated, I know who I am and what I have to offer regardless of whether or not I'm getting any. I would offer the corollary that it does lend validation to my relationship. I do draw great satisfaction from that.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Men, I want to know if you feel validated or desired through sex.


No and no, it's not like we're not going to have sex. Maybe a little validated on a really macro level because we are having sex regularly and if we weren't I'd likely feel un-validated. 

How do I feel desired? Hump me in the elevator. Fondle my crotch in the car. Greet me at the door with a super passionate kiss (bonus points for being naked). Just show some sexual interest, with some regular frequency.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wilson said:


> If we think of 3 different terms:
> 
> *F-ing*: Getting your base needs satisfied
> *Having sex*: Engaging in sex as a pleasurable activity in and of itself. Enjoying the activity because of the pleasurable sensory and emotional feelings.
> ...


But I thought men needed sex to get emotionally close so why wouldn't it be the last one for them?


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Men, I want to know if you feel validated or desired through sex.

1. Do you feel a difference between being validated and being desired by your wife?
Feeling validated means she thinks I am doing the right things.
Feeling desired means she has a good amount of emotional (non sensual) desire for me or a medium to high sexual desire for me and with in her self.


What does your wife say or do to make you feel validated? 
Make a comment about something I am doing or that I did, that indicates she agrees with my actions and decisions.


What does she say or do to make you feel desired?
I am a physical touch guy so sitting close to me, reaching out to touch me, wanting to hold my hand,, snuggling up to me works well

Is feeling desired less important than feeling validated?
That depends. I think the two items need to be done in similar percentages or at least maybe something similar to 70/30 %. Maybe my default preference goes back to touch.

When you and your wife have sex, do you feel desired? 
I used to feel desired, but that phase ended a very long time ago.

When your wife is engaged with you during sex, do you feel desired?
I used to feel desired, but that phase ended a very long time ago. About 30 years ago sexual connections were more about me wanting sex and trying to connect emotionally.

Does good sex with your wife always make you feel desired?
It used to 40+ years ago. When she wanted to get pregnant, WOW was the sex HOT and I felt really desired.
Then was about trying to maintain or make an emotional connection, Me trying to get her feeling sexy. We hit a rough spot about 1980. Things got a little better. By 1990 my W changed after her introduction to "Co-Dependency No More" training. Then, in her mind most men became selfish and women were oppressed. She worked there part time (co-Dependency training) and the sex almost stopped. No se the day before work, the day she worked, and no sex 1 day past the last day she worked because she needed to rest-up from working. If she worked MWF, maybe we would have sex if I turned on the TV to her favorite shopping channel at 10PM when QVC presented their "today's special value." Of course she paid more attention to the TV than me.

Obviously duty sex and starfish sex do not make you feel desired, that's a given.
After she moved to the spare bedroom almost 20 years ago I was on my own for most things. I tried several things to get her to have some fun/enjoyment. I asked what she liked. She only liked foot and back rubs, which put her to sleep. I bought toys for her. Most she didn't like. The rabbit was OK but she didn't want me around when she used it. 

Oral was out but I did some digital pleasuring until she blamed me for giving her a UTI. I bought 2 UTI books but she just skimmed them. PIV sex also resulted in some UTIs and I had to have the urine samples cups before she would leave the house. I got a few ahead of time from my doctor.

So before the end of having sex, her only position was laying on top of me and I had to stroke her back lightly and thrust from the bottom. The stroking sort of put her to sleep but I tried to keep things interesting.

Some of the sexual problems were due to my fear of doing more than I thought she would be interested in doing. I was raised "don't be a sexual pest" and only do what makes the wife happy and women need to be respected. Another part of my sheltered and miss-directed sexual knowledge was to be a gentle nice guy. It was brought about by the ideas that guys mostly want sex and will trick and deceive a woman to get what the man wants. Nice guys always play it safe and never push boundaries because that is what women want. I was often concerned I might do something wrong so I rarely pushed for more than a good church (Ozzie and Harriet) couple did. Boy was I wrong! I did put my W on top of the clothes dryer and we had stand up sex. After, I thought I was being a pest and was worried she would resent me for doing it with her on the dryer.

I have discovered some women like sex and want adventure in the bedroom. If I only knew 40 years ago, how things would have changed for me big time.

So, no sex or physical touching for several years. I do all of the food related work, fix everything, do all of the outside work and car stuff, pay all of the bills. My W rarely goes any place but watches TV 14 hrs a day. She takes car of her cats and dogs, empties the dishwasher and clothes dryer.

If I found a low priced place to live, I would buy it and move there. I have dreamed of finding an affair partner my age but never did much about it. I do go to the gym but people there rarely talk and only a couple of people are my age. I tried "Meet Up" but there is only 2 groups that I would be interested in. There was a 3rd group but they disbanded and I suspect the members were younger.

OK this is more than you asked

BTW, I have been reading relationship forums for over 10+ years and several Anon Pink's and other threads.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Men, I want to know if you feel validated or desired through sex.
> 
> Do you feel a difference between being validated and being desired by your wife?
> 
> ...


What do you mean by "validated"? I know absolutely that my wife desires me, emotionally and physically. There is definitely a sexual expression to this desire, but that is not the only way it's manifested. There is no question in my mind that she loves me deeply - is that validation? Or does it require verbal expression - if so, I've got that, too.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> How do I feel desired? Hump me in the elevator. Fondle my crotch in the car. Greet me at the door with a super passionate kiss (bonus points for being naked). Just show some sexual interest, with some regular frequency.



Charlie said it well here for me as well. If my wife is proactive and shows enthusiasm then that goes a long way to making me feel desired. Sex beyond just basic sex helps in this regard. Otherwise even frequent sex could potentially be confused with duty sex. I think for most men, wives initiating more than rarely greatly helps with feeling desired. I think it goes without saying that without sex or even with very infrequent starfish sex I would not feel desired at all.

Validation? As in recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile? I dont think I really get that from sex. Maybe to a very small degree. I think for the most part I would get validation from talking with my wife.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Do you feel a difference between being validated and being desired by your wife?


They're related, but different. Validation takes a broader scope. Desired is more focused.



Anon Pink said:


> What does your wife say or do to make you feel validated? What does she say or do to make you feel desired?


She shows plenty of non-sexual affection and the *occasional* complement. This is what sustains me vis a vis validation. Desire is non-existent.



Anon Pink said:


> Is feeling desired less important than feeling validated?


 I think this very much depends on stage of life, and other factors. For a younger healthy man, desire is every bit as important. As age sets in, validation becomes more important. However years or decades of a desire dearth can make validation hard to receive or appreciate. Resentment and confidence issues can make attempts at validation seem like placating, or even taunting.



Anon Pink said:


> When you and your wife have sex, do you feel desired?


 Nope.



Anon Pink said:


> When your wife is engaged with you during sex, do you feel desired?


 Not applicable. Wife is not engaged during sex.



Anon Pink said:


> Does good sex with your wife always make you feel desired?


 It used to, but "good" sex has not happened in a very long time.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> It used to, but "good" sex has not happened in a very long time.


Off topic, sorry. And sorry to hear that Fozzy, is anything still happening or has it been totally shut down? Asking to learn.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> Off topic, sorry. And sorry to hear that Fozzy, is anything still happening or has it been totally shut down? Asking to learn.


I've stopped initiating, at least for the time being. I could be having more sex, but it's really not anything worth putting effort into. She has no interest in it, which is clear. Knowing that makes it difficult to manufacture my own interest. For a while, I tried to keep initiating, just because I thought that SOMEONE needed to to keep it alive in our marriage. But after a while with zero feedback and little to no effort shown in return, it became too much. The last couple of times I tried to get something going I wasn't even able to get an erection. She showed no desire to help either of us get there, so I called a halt to it. I'm not interested in going there anymore.

I'm not saying we're done with that part of our lives, but it's definitely on "pause". I'm leaving the ball in her court.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Men, I want to know if you feel validated or desired through sex.


I don't feel validated, through sex and don't seek or desire validation through sex. Fairly early into my first all the way sexual relationship, I found out that like some other men and women I had a talent for sex and was good at it (which does not mean nonsense like "she cums every single time").

That realisation carried through, has afforded me an easy confidence that is inherent in me. To the point that I don't feel any compulsion to seek validation through reassurance.

I do and have felt desired through sex though, yet that desire is also often manifest outside of sex as well.

My wife is very fortunate to have me as a sexual partner "she's so lucky", just as I am very fortunate to have her for the same reasons.

My wife and I are also under no illusion, that some others could readily fit that bill for either of us.



Anon Pink said:


> Do you feel a difference between being validated and being desired by your wife?


Yes there is a difference, validation seems to well from self doubt (and is a bit too needy for me), while reciprocal wanton lust and desire is that which drives my sex life.

Happiness seems to well from within.



Anon Pink said:


> What does your wife say or do to make you feel validated?


Nothing, I don't feel a need for her or anyone else to validate me.

We're nice to one another and likewise often complementary, yet we are both equally comfortable being blunt and critical of each other as well.



Anon Pink said:


> What does she say or do to make you feel desired?


For starters she asked me out on a date while she was in a relationship with another man then dumped him following that date. Which was followed by her asking me to have sex on our third date.

She likes talking to me which she does a lot and wants to spend time with me. She tells me I'm handsome and says she likes that I am like no other man she has known.

She asks me to have sex with her, she flashes me/reveals herself to me while we're out.

She flirts with me, she poses nude for me for drawings, paintings, for sex photos and videos.

She touches me sexually when we're doing whatever or are out and about. She likes it when I touch her sexually while we're out and about.

She tells me it makes her feel good to know that I want to have her sexually and I tell her it makes me feel good that she wants to have me sexually.

When we're having sex there is a discernible moment when her behaviour changes where she becomes extremely carnal, very raw, wanton and all consuming. The way she kisses changes, she wants to eat me alive through my mouth. The way her mouth gapes changes, her tongue movements become very rich and heavy, she wants me to bite her nipples then grinds and thrusts into me.

Likewise when she turns she sometimes can't wait for me when I am teasing her so she grabs my penis and masturbates herself with it until she orgasms and then gives me her rectum till she becomes less sensitive afterwards Or she grinds into me both front and back because she likes how it feels, while I have my penis in her vagina with fingers in her ass until she orgasms. She will rim me on her own initiative as part of oral sex. She swallows my cum, or dribbles it upon her boobs after holding it because she knows I like that, she takes lots of facials and pose for photos so covered afterwards. There's so much more and so much more nuance and detail in the way she responds.

She isn't self conscious when she has sex, doesn't hide herself, and is very carnal. She also sometimes shows me her vagina by holding it open for me. Or holds her backside cheeks apart. She lets me bend her over the bed or chairs or a wall and have her while she obligingly grinds into me.

She lets me pee on her or in her mouth which she follows with oral sex and then all the rest.

So with all of that since my wife is accomplished in her chosen profession, is assertive, confidant and has little tolerance for those who are emotionally needy in relationships, I figure she has some evident desire for me.

Yet I have no doubt that she would respond with such wanton lust and desire with any man who she was attracted to that could work her right, since I have had this with other women. So the desire is in her wanting and choosing me to reciprocally share that sex with her.

There's much more of course, yet I figure you get the idea.



Anon Pink said:


> Is feeling desired less important than feeling validated?


No.



Anon Pink said:


> When you and your wife have sex, do you feel desired?


Yes because she wants to and chooses to have sex with me.



Anon Pink said:


> When your wife is engaged with you during sex, do you feel desired?


Yes, that said being engaged is how we have sex.



Anon Pink said:


> Does good sex with your wife always make you feel desired?


For me good sex in itself doesn't make me feel desired or not desired, just as bad sex doesn't make me feel not desired or desired. One can have tremendous desire and bad sex, just as one can have no great desire and have good sex.

I've had sex with plenty of women inclusive of a few of them through ongoing relationships which include two marriages. Where all of the ongoing relationships have always been non-vanilla high frequency, high quality sexual relationships.

Just like drawing, photography, music, writing and sport some people have an exceptional talent for sex, while most don't. Although most people with practice can become reasonably competent at it most will not have a gift for it. While there are some others who will unfortunately never get good at it, no matter how much practice they get.

Desire is perhaps best considered outside of the quality of sex one has. Although they are certainly related, so if the sex is mostly sub-par sux ones desire should quickly collapse.

Good sex ought to be baseline stuff, absent that there's little reason to ever share it. If sex isn't at the very least generally good, one would be better served by having sex with other people instead.

That said if good is all you might get and worse, I can see why people settle for that rather than nothing at all. At the end of the day the better someone is at something, the more they will be able to avail themselves with ongoing better options if so inclined.

In my opinion the worst lovers are those who are for the most part completely unselfish sexually. If one is only having sex for their partner/s benefit and aren't getting much if anything out of the experience. Then they are having sex for the wrong reasons and or with the wrong person/s as well.

The only reason why my wife has sex with me is because she gets a lot of pleasure out of it . If she didn't enjoy it she would replace me, just as she did with the man she was having sex with when she asked me out on our first date. Likewise I only have sex with my wife because I get a lot of pleasure from it, if I didn't I would replace her as well.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

aine said:


> wilson said:
> 
> 
> > If we think of 3 different terms:
> ...


I've never "made love" and I've never used the term, my wife has never used the term either.

Sex in itself doesn't make me feel emotionally close to someone. That said like any other shared activity and experience, sex can and does contribute to emotional closeness.

My wife and I have sex for the pleasure it brings and the base side of it is a significant part of that pleasure.

Likewise my wife and I share that sex because we share a sexual attraction for the other and have enjoyed the sex we have had.

While ever we enjoy being together and enjoy the sex we share, we will continue to share it while ever it remains a pleasure to share. If sharing sex together ceased to be a pleasure, that sharing would certainly come to an end.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> I've stopped initiating, at least for the time being. I could be having more sex, but it's really not anything worth putting effort into. She has no interest in it, which is clear. Knowing that makes it difficult to manufacture my own interest. For a while, I tried to keep initiating, just because I thought that SOMEONE needed to to keep it alive in our marriage. But after a while with zero feedback and little to no effort shown in return, it became too much. The last couple of times I tried to get something going I wasn't even able to get an erection. She showed no desire to help either of us get there, so I called a halt to it. I'm not interested in going there anymore.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not saying we're done with that part of our lives, but it's definitely on "pause". I'm leaving the ball in her court.




When I did that in my last marriage, it was the beginning of the end. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Call it the "honeymoon syndrome," if you will, but during those particular phases of our relationship, I felt totally validated by both wives!

But right after "the new" finally rubbed off on our honeymoon, I felt largely like that I was just something there at home to have sex with, whenever the horny notion came to strike them, which duly seemed to range anywhere from seldom to never!

Contingent, I'd greatly be forced to say, upon either their cycles or perhaps their proximity to their covert BF's!*


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The timing of this thread is quite coincidental because I was thinking of starting a thread titled..."Was he just negged?"

Man gets out of pool and approaches two women. Woman one says to woman two "Damn he's hot. Way hotter than droolboy celeb crush." Woman two responds "I don't know, droolboy celeb crush is at least a really close second." Neither validating, nor expressing desire.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> The timing of this thread is quite coincidental because I was thinking of starting a thread titled..."Was he just negged?"
> 
> Man gets out of pool and approaches two women. Woman one says to woman two "Damn he's hot. Way hotter than droolboy celeb crush." Woman two responds "I don't know, droolboy celeb crush is at least a really close second." Neither validating, nor expressing desire.


:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Elizabeth001 said:


> When I did that in my last marriage, it was the beginning of the end.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Maybe. We've gone for many months at a time with no sex on multiple occasions. I think our record is around 13 months through a pregnancy and a few months after. At present, we last had sex on Mother's Day morning. She initiated, but presented it as something that was done for my benefit. Made me feel gross. Prior to that, I honestly can't remember. It's certainly been less than 5 times over the last 12 months.

You feel like giving up, but then you read articles and posts that this is normal in our phase of life (3 pre-teen kids), and that it gets better later on.

You read that "well, she'll probably hit her peak in her mid-thirties, just you wait". That came and went.

You read "well, she'll probably find her mojo again when she starts hitting perimenopause--unless it goes the opposite direction". Uh-huh.

I'm done getting my hopes up over "maybe someday". I don't believe in "maybe someday" anymore. I'm now just trying my best to find a life worth living without regards to sex.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Maybe. We've gone for many months at a time with no sex on multiple occasions. I think our record is around 13 months through a pregnancy and a few months after. At present, we last had sex on Mother's Day morning. She initiated, but presented it as something that was done for my benefit. Made me feel gross. Prior to that, I honestly can't remember. It's certainly been less than 5 times over the last 12 months.
> 
> You feel like giving up, but then you read articles and posts that this is normal in our phase of life (3 pre-teen kids), and that it gets better later on.
> 
> ...


And sadly, those statements that are meant to help, to give hope, really are kind of missing the point. Yeah, she may develop an insatiable sexual appetite, but it has nothing to do with her attraction towards, and desire for her husband...he is just the socially acceptable tool for her to get off. Which is fine I suppose if you are someone who just wants the sex without giving thought to the motivation.

I have pretty much stopped initiating with my wife because while the sex is great, without feeling her desire...I can relate to it feeling as you put it...gross. We do still have sex a few times per week, because as I said, it is good sex. Her initiations are regular, but I do have to reframe them in my mind so that I can get into a sexual mood. They are very passive, and are almost always phrased in such a way as to suggest it is for my benefit...Do you want to nail me tonight? as opposed to I want you to nail me tonight. Very subtle difference and in other relationship dynamics, wouldn't make a difference, but given the context of how my wife seems to feel, or not feel desire for me as it were, it just adds one more layer of difficulty for me.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Personal said:


> I don't feel validated, through sex and don't seek or desire validation through sex. Fairly early into my first all the way sexual relationship, I found out that like some other men and women I had a talent for sex and was good at it (which does not mean nonsense like "she cums every single time").
> 
> That realisation carried through, has afforded me an easy confidence that is inherent in me. To the point that I don't feel any compulsion to seek validation through reassurance.
> 
> ...




:allhail: *Hail to the king baby*


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> When you and your wife have sex, do you feel desired? When your wife is engaged with you during sex, do you feel desired? Does good sex with your wife always make you feel desired?


A: sometimes, B: If she 'showed up' and seems to be after at least a little for herself C: I suppose. 

Having recently become aware that she's basically had ironclad control over when / how often for almost all of our sex life since childbirth I have a high degree of skepticism over this desire thing. 

Fozzy's post hit a bit of a chord, liking it seems not right but...


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## Buffon06 (Aug 14, 2016)

I just posted in another topic about my wife having had a medical situation in which she was recently cleared by her doctor to resume all normal activities, including sex. However, she has been reluctant to discuss anything related to feelings, emotional intimacy or sex. I think she may be depressed, have some sort of PTSD, or the condition (cerebral hemorrhage) may have caused a subtle personality change. I know I need to give her more time and support, but going for three months without any sex, or intimate conversations has been tough.

That said, I didn't used to feel like I needed to be validated by my wife's desire or need to have sex with me. We had enjoyable sex 2-3x per week, we had a nice variety of sexual activity, and she had orgasm(s) pretty much every time. It was nice, and I think she initiated sex enough of the time for me to feel like she wanted me.

Of course, for me, those few times when she really just wanted to be f*cked/pounded were really great, because it made me feel like she really wanted/desired me on a raw sexual level. She tends to have responsive desire, which is fine, but every now and then it is great to have her tell me that she wants my c*ck inside her, and/or that she wants me to c*m on her face or ass.

Sadly, as it stands right now, it looks like that sort of sexual desire from my wife is a long ways away, if it even comes back at all.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Maybe. We've gone for many months at a time with no sex on multiple occasions. I think our record is around 13 months through a pregnancy and a few months after. At present, we last had sex on Mother's Day morning. She initiated, but presented it as something that was done for my benefit. Made me feel gross. Prior to that, I honestly can't remember. It's certainly been less than 5 times over the last 12 months.
> 
> You feel like giving up, but then you read articles and posts that this is normal in our phase of life (3 pre-teen kids), and that it gets better later on.
> 
> ...





samyeagar said:


> And sadly, those statements that are meant to help, to give hope, really are kind of missing the point. Yeah, she may develop an insatiable sexual appetite, but it has nothing to do with her attraction towards, and desire for her husband...he is just the socially acceptable tool for her to get off. Which is fine I suppose if you are someone who just wants the sex without giving thought to the motivation.
> 
> I have pretty much stopped initiating with my wife because while the sex is great, without feeling her desire...I can relate to it feeling as you put it...gross. We do still have sex a few times per week, because as I said, it is good sex. *Her initiations are regular, but I do have to reframe them in my mind so that I can get into a sexual mood. They are very passive, and are almost always phrased in such a way as to suggest it is for my benefit*...Do you want to nail me tonight? as opposed to I want you to nail me tonight. Very subtle difference and in other relationship dynamics, wouldn't make a difference, but given the context of how my seems to feel, or not feel as it were, it just adds one more layer of difficulty for me.



Wow.

You guys nailed it on the head for me as well.

I thought I was alone in this feeling.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

I hope OP doesn't mind me saying so, I don't mean this pejoratively, but asking about 'validation' from sex is a very female perspective. To echo what other guys said, we don't really need that, although being told whether you're doing a good job or not is always welcome, for the learnin'. 

What men want from their sexual partner is enthusiasm - that she WANTS to please him sexually. And he should want to please her too, of course. 

And as Eddie Murphy said "I've never 'made love' in my life. But I'll **** someone I'm in love with."


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Neither neglect, nor hostility, More "meh". Sometimes I think she is incapable of expressing the emotion of desire, either through fear or disability. Importance is a function of age. We have just grown independent.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> I hope OP doesn't mind me saying so, I don't mean this pejoratively, but asking about 'validation' from sex is a very female perspective. To echo what other guys said, we don't really need that, although being told whether you're doing a good job or not is always welcome, for the learnin'.
> 
> What men want from their sexual partner is enthusiasm - that she WANTS to please him sexually. And he should want to please her too, of course.
> 
> And as Eddie Murphy said "I've never 'made love' in my life. But I'll **** someone I'm in love with."


It's interesting, and parallel to what I was thinking on the other desire thread.

Sexual enthusiasm is just sexual enthusiasm. It doesn't necessarily mean desire, being desired, validation, any of those things. It's just sexual enthusiasm.

Yet all these other meanings and interpretations get attached to it ...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

wild jade said:


> It's interesting, and parallel to what I was thinking on the other desire thread.
> 
> Sexual enthusiasm is just sexual enthusiasm. It doesn't necessarily mean desire, being desired, validation, any of those things. It's just sexual enthusiasm.
> 
> Yet all these other meanings and interpretations get attached to it ...


Enthusiasm doesn't necessarily indicate desire, but desire does tend to lead to enthusiasm.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Enthusiasm doesn't necessarily indicate desire, but desire does tend to lead to enthusiasm.


To me it does. Enthusiasm means there is some desire. It MEANS eager enjoyment, interest. To me there is a difference between enthusiasm and active or vigorous. You could have unenthusiastic vigorous sex where you are pounding away like a jackhammer. 

Now faking enthusiasm? Yeah that can be done. Thats its own ball of wax.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I wasted a couple of hours initiating this morning. I think it resulted in some closeness, some frustration, and some vomit. I'm really wondering if it's time to give up again.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@Mr. Nail why was there vomit?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Personal said:


> I've never "made love" and I've never used the term, my wife has never used the term either.
> 
> Sex in itself doesn't make me feel emotionally close to someone. That said like any other shared activity and experience, sex can and does contribute to emotional closeness.
> 
> ...


You seem to have a very instrumental approach to your marriage relationship?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

wilson said:


> I would guess men are most interested in the first two and women most interested in the last two.


Heh...I used to think that, too. Always seems to be men saying this. Get a few drinks in a woman and she'll tell you she just wants to be slammed against the wall and ravaged by her man that just can't help himself. 

To think otherwise is just another form of putting the woman on a pedestal. She's delicate, fragile, dainty... needs to be handled like a snowflake.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

To me actions speak louder than words so when it come to expressing love...actions 

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Personal said:


> @Mr. Nail why was there vomit?


I'm really wondering if the mystery would be better than the answer. You have to admit it really isn't a hoped for result when you initiate sex. Usually it would fall into the silly exaggerated fears column.
This time it was just a perfect Storm. Nothing went right except the foreplay (massage as per usual here) Just couldn't seem to find a comfortable position. Then when she stood up from lying flat on her back, she had a wave of dizziness eventually leading to vomit. 

Anyway, I'm not feeling rejected or even terribly frustrated. But still I'm wondering if it's worth the effort.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

My wife wanting sex makes me feel desired. It make me happy. Rationally it shouldn't be so important to me, but it is. 

Without sex a relationship just feels like a business deal. I need sexual attraction in order to feel loved.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> Enthusiasm doesn't necessarily indicate desire, but desire does tend to lead to enthusiasm.


Yes, that makes sense. I just find it interesting this idea that some people interpret their partner wanting sex as being desired. I don't make that equation at all. Ever. Wanting sex is just wanting sex, and I can say from personal experience that this can still lead to a whole lot of enthusiasm. Just not sure if any of the other meanings attached to it are true ...


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Not quite sure I understand what it means to be validated (in reference to sex). I can say my wife does make me feel desired. She initiates more nowadays than I do and it shows during and after. 

Granted it was not always that way in our marriage. Lifestyle changes and just basic ways in which we treat each other now, has been a world of difference. 


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

wild jade said:


> Yes, that makes sense. I just find it interesting this idea that some people interpret their partner wanting sex as being desired. I don't make that equation at all. Ever. Wanting sex is just wanting sex, and I can say from personal experience that this can still lead to a whole lot of enthusiasm. Just not sure if any of the other meanings attached to it are true ...


My wife is very capable of having enthusiastic sex with no particular desire for her partner.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

wild jade said:


> Yes, that makes sense. I just find it interesting this idea that some people interpret their partner wanting sex as being desired. I don't make that equation at all. Ever. Wanting sex is just wanting sex, and I can say from personal experience that this can still lead to a whole lot of enthusiasm. Just not sure if any of the other meanings attached to it are true ...




Theory of mind. I can't interpret what actually goes on in a person's thinking, but if her enthusiasm for sex, by initiating it with me makes me feel desired than so be it. 


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

You can have enthusiasm without desire, but can you have desire without enthusiasm?

Would not a lack of enthusiasm point toward a lack of desire?


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Fozzy said:


> You can have enthusiasm without desire, but can you have desire without enthusiasm?
> 
> Would not a lack of enthusiasm point toward a lack of desire?


Maybe? Just thinking about this -- there have been times when I have found my husband very unenthusiastic, or at least that's how he seems to me. But when I question him, he always assures me that he is in fact enthusiastic, and no he absolutely doesn't want to stop. 

I dunno. Is he telling me the truth or just what I want to hear? Either way, I can see how "enthusiastic" isn't necessarily clear cut.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Ikaika said:


> Theory of mind. I can't interpret what actually goes on in a person's thinking, but if her enthusiasm for sex, by initiating it with me makes me feel desired than so be it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro


No harm, no foul!  Perhaps I just need to think more like you do.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> You can have enthusiasm without desire, but can you have desire without enthusiasm?
> 
> 
> 
> *Would not a lack of enthusiasm point toward a lack of desire?*




I would think so, but one could only make the assumption based on previous experiences.

I did not make myself a very desirable person in years past, drank too much, overweight and a generally sh*tty person (the last trait likely a result of the first two issues). I did not change because I wanted more sex or to be desired. I changed for me, for my health. The enthusiasm or what I interpret as being desired was a fringe benefit. I don't really care to parse out the difference, the only difference that matters is that we have grown to love each other (not necessarily in 24/7 mushy feelings - that's impossible) and as a result we enjoy better sex in our mid 50s than we did in our mid 30s. 


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Men, I want to know if you feel validated or desired through sex.


Yes, I do.



> Do you feel a difference between being validated and being desired by your wife?


The word "validated" does not resonate for me. Do you mean "respected"? If so, yes, to me there is a difference between being respected and being desired. My wife respects me, but she does not desire me.



> What does your wife say or do to make you feel validated? What does she say or do to make you feel desired?


She compliments me on my work achievements, my parenting, my willingness to do chores around the house, and other areas where she clearly respects my attitude and behavior.
She doesn't do or say anything that makes me feel desired. That is the empty hole in our marriage.



> Is feeling desired less important than feeling validated?


No, quite the opposite. Nice to feel respected but I sure wish I felt desired at least some of the time.



> When you and your wife have sex, do you feel desired? When your wife is engaged with you during sex, do you feel desired? Does good sex with your wife always make you feel desired?


Yes. That is how she can show me she desires me. By having sex with me and expressing through words and deeds that she wants to have sex with me and she enjoys having sex with me. Yes, if we ever had good sex I would feel desired.



> Obviously duty sex and starfish sex do not make you feel desired, that's a given.


Some of us can be quite oblivious to the fact that all we are getting is duty sex. We have a substantial need to believe otherwise, and our wives are happy to pretend and to allow us to pretend.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I can only attest that when we have sex, I desire my wife and am in the moment completely. She seems to be on the same page, so I see no need to interrogate otherwise. 


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Men, I want to know if you feel validated or desired through sex.
> 
> Do you feel a difference between being validated and being desired by your wife?
> 
> ...


It is interesting to me that intimacy is something that that has not come up much in this thread. I think that "lovemaking" and intimacy go hand in hand and it seems that most of the posters on this thread do not have much use for lovemaking. I think I would like to know what that was like before I dismissed it completely.


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