# Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

*Background:*
Early 40s. Married 10yrs., together 14, two kids of our own, 5 and 7, and two kids from her previous marriage, 18 and 23. 

I started my own investment firm in October and the transition, while successful, has been highly stressful to the point where it is affecting me more than stress has in the past. 

She works full time at a medical clinic and makes a decent living.

*Good relationship aspects*
Sex Life is great (3-5/week), which has gotten substantially better (wilder) since she started taking anti-depressant medication 1 year ago. (She started taking them around the time her ex was threatening and intimidating their 18 year old daughter who wanted to live with us full time)

We still have date night once a week and I feel we thoroughly enjoy each others company. 

We get away 2-4 times per year, albeit not as extravagant due to tight cash flow.

We both work out regularly but she hasn't lost all weight from babies, but still looks great. 

*History:* She has always been a little flirtatious when she drinks which I never thought much about as we have a lot of friends and she has never done anything over the top, kissing, touching, etc. I am not completely innocent to the exact things I am giving her a hard time about, I check out and make eye contact with women, but don't take it any further. The thing that irritates me about her habit, is it is around friends/family.

*Timeline of the past year:*
_March, 2015_: on a family getaway with my sisters big family, my wife went on a quad ride with my sister's married brother in law, which was no big deal, but I thought it was odd.

_April, 2015,_ the next month at my sister's bday party, we were all drunk and dancing and she made a point to dance with her rear in this same guy's crotch, and he looks at me like, I don't know what she's doing....(I get semi upset but ultimately blow it off as drunk fun)

_early August, 2015_, my close friend has a pool party with a completely different set of friends than the previous two. My wife is getting drunk and carefree, which is fine, but this time I feel like she is checking out my married cousin, and he is reciprocating. I decide to watch closer, and he/they seem to touch while they are close, and when BBQ is served, make a point to sit next to each other, which causes me to scoff and my wife gets up and has me sit in between them. At this point I am clearly not having a good time and somebody notices and my wife says, "he just gets this way sometimes"

_late August, 2015,_ we are going to Vegas for a weekend trip for friends birthdays, about 20 people total. I have a talk with her because its eating at me and she says she has no idea what I am talking about because I didn't get too specific, just said she seemed to get touchy/feely at the party and it made me feel uncomfortable. 

_later August, 2015,_ in Vegas, things are fine but a very good married friend of mine and her walked arm and arm throughout a casino laughing and talking, mind you, we are a group of 20 and my friends wife is walking with me, so I just put it on her drunk flirtatiousness.
(I bring this up to her, and she says they are just talking and having a good time, which it seemed to be harmless.) 

_November, 2015,_ another family event, wife has been drinking and I see her staring at same cousin from across the room. 

_February, 2016_, we go to Mexico for a friend's beach wedding with a group of 70, and 20-30 close friends, same friend she was hanging on in Vegas is there. The second night we go out and I see her checking him out and I say something, to which she gives me a funny look. Two nights later at the wedding, she is blatantly checking out same guy from across the room, and I ask her if she made good eye contact, to which she now has a concerned look on her face and asks me if I'm happy. I ended up running up to the room for something and when I came back she was frantically looking for me. 
The rest of this trip she goes over the top to not look or "check out" this friend, to which I haven't told her who I am talking about, but she obviously knows. 

_Two days later:_ I bring up the awkward comments I made at the wedding reception, and she said, "yeah, that was weird, you make me feel like I can't look at anybody" to which I asked her who I was talking about, because I never said his name, and she just asked why I was doing this. 

_March, 2016,_ same family trip as last year, I notice her staring at brother in law from last year. 

_April, 2016,_ family party, my wife and I show up late, and soon after I see my cousin (who is in the middle of a divorce mind you) completely angling right in front of me to make eyes with my wife, but she has none of it, to the point where he walks over next to her sitting down at the table and stands with his crotch in her face, so I noticed but she was cool as ice and didn't even acknowledge him so he left her alone the rest of the night. 

The reason I think she is just looking for attention, flirting, is because these are close friends/family, and there are multiple people that she is doing this with right in front of me. 
I've confronted her multiple times and I admit that my stress and the stress of reading into the situation has gotten the best of me at times. 
I have access to the phone bill/records, and she doesn't call, text, or have any of these guys in her phone. I have seen one number that I traced to a random spot which is oddly close to where my buddy lives, but I call the number and its an energy company, and it was only a 30 second conversation. 

I'm not a great detective, but literally everything I've looked at, Facebook, phone records, etc. have come up empty, so at this point its just gut feeling. 

She has looked me in the eye and said she has never cheated or thought about cheating on me in her life, and I believe her. 

The last conversation we had, I asked her if she was happy because she has been on these pills for a year and while she admitted she has always had issues about weight/appearance, she couldn't imagine life without me. 

After a couple of occasions when I've confronted her, she wakes up in the middle of the night hyperventilating, so at a certain point I have to recognize I'm potentially putting undo stress on her, which is added to the fact that we are raising 4 kids and cash flow is tight. 

Sorry so long, thanks in advance!


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The best you can hope for is that she has a crush on him.

The worst is that she's been having an affair with him for a while now.

In either scenario, or something in between, what do you want to have happen?


----------



## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

My inclination is that she isn't cheating. Her behavior however is inappropriate, making you uncomfortable, and therefore, you need to set some boundaries for her that she needs to respect.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

Which him?


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Unfortunately your wife really enjoys flirting and she'll likely never find anything wrong with her actions. Next time you go to one of these parties, how about being very affectionate to your wife? Hold her hand or have your hand on her shoulder most of the time. Her reaction would tell you a lot.


----------



## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Which anti depressant is she taking? is it by chance Wellbutrin?


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

marduk said:


> The best you can hope for is that she has a crush on him.
> 
> The worst is that she's been having an affair with him for a while now.
> 
> In either scenario, or something in between, what do you want to have happen?


which him? I want my relationship to work, and her to flirt less, especially in front of me and around family/friends. Which she seems to be doing less now that she knows it bothers me.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

EVG39 said:


> Which anti depressant is she taking? is it by chance Wellbutrin?


I think its 50mg daily of sertraline, I'll double check when I get home.


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Why did her first marriage end?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

happydad said:


> I want my relationship to work, and her to flirt less, especially in front of me and around family/friends. Which she seems to be doing less now that she knows it bothers me.


I don't think you want her flirting behind your back either. Be careful how you word that to her, as she might actually think it's okay, as long as you don't see it.


----------



## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

happydad said:


> I think its 50mg daily of sertraline, I'll double check when I get home.


Okay, need to know for sure. But just looking at the timeline you laid this out this new uninhibited behavior seems to have begun when she started taking the anti depressant.
Lets hold off on any further speculation until we know what exactly she is taking.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my opinion your wife likely feels safe around family and friends and enjoys just being herself and getting a little extra attention from the guys in her social group.

If your wife does NOT have any significant female friends, this could be an area of interest for you to focus on. Odds are that perhaps something happened to her growing up where she was rejected by her click of girls. She may be acting out as a form of aggression towards the other females in the group of your family and friends more so than any desire to be unfaithful to you. 

...just my 2¢. I could be completely wrong.

Badsanta


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Why did her first marriage end?


abusive husband


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

happydad said:


> abusive husband


Do you have proof?


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> I don't think you want her flirting behind your back either. Be careful how you word that to her, as she might actually think it's okay, as long as you don't see it.


I understand what you mean, but my point is I get that people like to look, etc. I am guilty as well, just try to keep it at a minimum around my wife and definitely have never looked at her/our friends that way


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Do you have proof?


proof of her ex being abusive? Yes. Proof of her cheating, no.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

happydad said:


> proof of her ex being abusive? Yes. Proof of her cheating, no.


Do addictions run in her family? Or was her family abusive?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

happydad said:


> I understand what you mean, but my point is I get that people like to look, etc. I am guilty as well, just try to keep it at a minimum around my wife and definitely have never looked at her/our friends that way


Of course it's normal to notice other people, but that is not the same as catching and holding someone's gaze and other flirting behaviors.
The point is that you feel uncomfortable with what she has been doing. So much so, that you remember every detail. If something reasonable bothers your spouse, it is good to not do whatever is bothering them. Now if your spouse nitpicking and constantly complains, that's another matter, but that's not what's going on here. You don't like her flirting. Asking her to stop is a reasonable request.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Do addictions run in her family? Or was her family abusive?


Not too much in her immediately family, though I think one side of the family has some history of alcohol/ism


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Inappropriate to say the least. I would have shot this down first time I saw it. You seem to make excuse when your gut is telling stop it.

However, any discussion should be done in a calm rational manner so you don't come off as jealous and controlling.


----------



## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Discrete glancing is one thing but more engaged flirting is not OK. If what she's doing is being reciprocated or noticed by the other party then no way. 

I don't know if this is overkill but you may want to have a friendly chat with the cousin who's been eyeballing your wife. Perhaps tell him to cool it...


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

happydad said:


> I think its 50mg daily of sertraline, I'll double check when I get home.


Can I Mix Zoloft and Alcohol?


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Inappropriate to say the least. I would have shot this down first time I saw it. You seem to make excuse when your gut is telling stop it.
> 
> However, any discussion should be done in a calm rational manner so you don't come off as jealous and controlling.


This is the issue, I've been calm and rational when confronting the situation, trying to not be accusational, but one time (after our Mexico trip) I did come right out and accuse her. She denies it every time.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Happydad,

Ask her to take a polygraph, sticking her butt in some guys crotch is way over the line. 

Has your sex life dwindled or had times when it was dead?

Tamat


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Can I Mix Zoloft and Alcohol?


You probably can. But you'll start seeing big puffy white pillow men bounce around with happy grins. Just don't start up a conversation with them though.

I made that mistake once. Those fkrs just wouldn't leave me alone after that. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

happydad said:


> I think its 50mg daily of sertraline, I'll double check when I get home.


50 mg daily of Zoloft is a very low dose. That is what I take as anti-anxiety. It should take the edge off but not cause changes in personality.

Once started you cannot stop until you slowly get off it. So you cannot just skip it a day or two if you plan on drinking certain days.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

happydad said:


> This is the issue, I've been calm and rational when confronting the situation, trying to not be accusational, but one time (after our Mexico trip) I did come right out and accuse her. *She denies it every time.*


A cheater will deny it every time. I should know. 

Any cornered person will lie. I have been the recipient of very significant lying, even when showing the person indisputable proof to the contrary. They look you right in the eye and lie and try to come up with some pathetic story.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It's a tough situation to be in. You don't want to come across as too needy or accusatory, but you also need her to understanding boundaries means more than just not sleeping with someone. 

I recommend that you sit down with her and read your post to her, or at least outline to her what you have told us. All of it. Then make sure she reads up on emotional affairs and how cheating can take many forms, not just physical. If that's not enough, go to a MC.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Happydad,
> 
> Ask her to take a polygraph, sticking her butt in some guys crotch is way over the line.
> 
> ...


no dwindling or dead sex life.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

happydad said:


> The reason I think she is just looking for attention, flirting, is because these are close friends/family, and there are multiple people that she is doing this with right in front of me.


Without a doubt that could be the case. But is she ever in situations where there is alcohol and men she may NOT know? Men YOU may not know? Some girls do like the attention that comes with flirting. Doing it with family members in front of you is one thing. If she's out at a work function or out with the girls, she's surely still flirting with guys, you just never hear about it.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

*Re: Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior.....(Updated)*

interesting updates. Two weekends ago my kids had a fair at school where beer is flowing all weekend. My family pretty much hangs out all weekend and has a good time. I catch my cousin again staring at my wife on multiple occasions with her seemingly soaking it all in...whatever, I don't read too far into it. 

So earlier this week, my wife's iphone stops working properly due to a cracked screen. I offer to take it to get fixed last Friday and did so. It for whatever reason wasn't completely fixed and the touch screen wouldn't work properly. I called her this am from my office at 945 and told her I'd swing by her office at 1030 to pick up the phone to take to Apple store and she agrees. Literally 5 minutes later she calls me twice frantically saying that she dropped her coffee mug on the phone and it won't even turn on. I didn't call her back just went to get the phone anyway at 1030. 

The phone looks like somebody took a hammer to it! I take it to the Apple store and they say I need to buy a new screen...again, but should be recoverable. 

My problem, as it may be obvious, is what are the odds that her phone has this amount of damage in the only few minutes anything could possibly happen. When I returned the phone to her on Friday, she seemed incredibly nervous, though I've found nothing on the phone, as I've said before. 

She was very shook up and calling me about how sad and depressed she is and how sorry she is for everything, which at the end of the day is no big deal if its an accident, the phone cost 130 bucks to fix. 

I've been listening and reading intently in these threads, and recognizing a number of small red flags but still no evidence. I've bought a Sony VAR and am planning to get a GPS to start trying to get some evidence. 

Perhaps somebody can share some VAR experience, as I've been testing this thing, and I've had 8 minute clips where I am talking only during 20 second increments and am thinking its going to be a nightmare to search through a number of clips at this rate. 

Our sex life is continuing to be fine, 3 times per week, she doesn't say no and even initiates, so I know I don't have the same flags as some. I'm just a pattern guy and notice patterns, which when she does something wrong, she is quick to play the please help me I'm needy card and give more sex.

Sorry for the long rant, just looking for some feedback.


----------



## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

*Re: Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior.....(Updated)*



happydad said:


> interesting updates. Two weekends ago my kids had a fair at school where beer is flowing all weekend. My family pretty much hangs out all weekend and has a good time. I catch my cousin again staring at my wife on multiple occasions with her seemingly soaking it all in...whatever, I don't read too far into it.
> 
> So earlier this week, my wife's iphone stops working properly due to a cracked screen. I offer to take it to get fixed last Friday and did so. It for whatever reason wasn't completely fixed and the touch screen wouldn't work properly. I called her this am from my office at 945 and told her I'd swing by her office at 1030 to pick up the phone to take to Apple store and she agrees. Literally 5 minutes later she calls me twice frantically saying that she dropped her coffee mug on the phone and it won't even turn on. I didn't call her back just went to get the phone anyway at 1030.
> 
> ...


Ha, ha, I wonder why they act like that? I had asked my wife for her phone so I could look through it and she "accidentally" put it in the washer. I dried it out in rice and desiccants, replaced the battery and she fired right up. I also found nothing on the phone either and the wife appeared paranoid over me having her phone to repair it.

Another time she thought I put tracking software on her phone so she reset it and lost everything, I was laughing my butt off as she didn't know any ones phone numbers. :grin2:

I did the VAR, what a pain in the butt to go through all the clips. In my case, they were each, on average, 2.5 to 3 hrs. long. Thankfully, never did find anything, just put it on fast speed and listened. Heard her on the phone many times with me when I would call to say hi, never anyone else.

Just make sure you hide it well, you don't want her to stumble on to it. I think many velcro it under the driver seat, I just tucked it in the pocket of the back seat. The Sony VAR I got that's recommended here, came with with software that converts the clip to a graph so you can see the highs and lows visually, I used it to tell when she was on the phone. Those little suckers record pretty freakin' good, I had no idea. Most of the time it was like listening to the radio, lol, the quality is pretty darn good.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

*Re: Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior.....(Updated)*



Slow Hand said:


> Ha, ha, I wonder why they act like that? I had asked my wife for her phone so I could look through it and she "accidentally" put it in the washer. I dried it out in rice and desiccants, replaced the battery and she fired right up. I also found nothing on the phone either and the wife appeared paranoid over me having her phone to repair it.
> 
> Another time she thought I put tracking software on her phone so she reset it and lost everything, I was laughing my butt off as she didn't know any ones phone numbers. :grin2:
> 
> ...


Thanks for the feedback! Its funny, I did velcro the VAR last night and double checked the firmness as I had velcro'd it to a tag under the seat, it was on pretty tight but to be sure I pulled hard and the tag came off. Needless to say, I didn't get to keep the VAR in there as my velcro was at the office. 

Detective work is a son of a gun! I feel like a WS! 

Agree on them working well, almost too well.

I sometimes wonder if she is being paranoid because she knows I am looking through her stuff and she's hurt, as she definitely has caught me snooping. The innocent views I have are that she is getting annoyed with me. 

I did talk with my sister yesterday because I thought she noticed something but she did not, and I told her in confidence that I suspected something might be going on, and she said she doubted it seriously as she is pretty close with my wife and I. She even said that her and her husband of 25 years have a habit of flirting with certain people at parties but they know about it, she even said her husband has accused/confronted her 20 times over the years and she has never strayed, its just human nature to wonder as you see things. 

I'm moving forward with VAR and GPS like I said. I have looked on her phone at the location services and nothing shows, but my thoughts on that are she could easily turn her phone off as she knows the GPS is on her phone. 

Anyway, thanks for listening.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> *Any *cornered person will lie.


This is bullsh!t. Not everyone has no moral compass. Some people, when confronted with their bad behavior, own it. This is typical of ne'er do well people. The want to believe EVERYONE does it. Bull.

I have lied to my husband exactly once. (It was a pretty stupid lie.) I was so guilt ridden, I fessed the next day.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> This is bullsh!t. Not everyone has no moral compass. Some people, when confronted with their bad behavior, own it. This is typical of ne'er do well people. The want to believe EVERYONE does it. Bull.
> 
> I have lied to my husband exactly once. (It was a pretty stupid lie.) I was so guilt ridden, I fessed the next day.


I appreciate this, and at times reading on this board I feel like some of the posters are rooting for the smoking gun/WS to get outed as misery loves company. 

I truly feel bad for everybody that has been cheated on, and I hope mine is not to the extent of some, but I've also read the various topics and know it can happen to anybody...ANYBODY.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@happydad I have never been and never will be in competition with other men for a woman. I think the beta /alpha thing is BS but conveys traits to people they might not otherwise understand.

It is in no way jealous or controlling to demand a stop to inappropriate behavior that harms a marriage. After all, the other party gets to vote and they're entitled to say "no I won't".

Maybe that's correlated with alpha traits. IDK and I don't care.

Your W is putting you in competition with other men either to stroke her ego or elicit your response or actually start something with these men. Maybe all three. None would be acceptable to me and I'd have no problem laying that out. Probably would want to say 1 strike but I might give 3 strikes, assuming perhaps I wasn't clear.

Smiling, making eye contact, etc are ok - WITHIN LIMITS - like also mentioning "my husband" or something. That's what normal healthy people do to invite attention (which we all enjoy to some extent) but also put clear breaks on where things are leading. That is "flirting" in a marriage.

Your W isn't flirting. I suggest you reevaluate this and think about your boundaries and whether you're the type of guy that wants to compete for your own wife.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BTW I get that some people engage in inappropriate behavior in front of their spouses as a sexual game - where both are in on it - and both plan the outcome - to fire things up. It's a dangerous game to get your kicks and arousal outside the marriage and can be addictive. Very dangerous.

So maybe it would help you to think of it that way - she's choosing to get her arousal from other men. How does that make you feel? Cause it kind of pisses me off...


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> BTW I get that some people engage in inappropriate behavior in front of their spouses as a sexual game - where both are in on it - and both plan the outcome - to fire things up. It's a dangerous game to get your kicks and arousal outside the marriage and can be addictive. Very dangerous.
> 
> So maybe it would help you to think of it that way - she's choosing to get her arousal from other men. How does that make you feel? Cause it kind of pisses me off...


this makes a lot of sense actually, and I am starting to agree with a lot of what you say. I'm just wondering if she has always been this way and I've just never noticed it, or it hasn't bothered me. 

There were times before we were married, and even during our marriage early on when I would notice her inappropriate behavior and she would "reward" me with great sex and of course I'd forget about anything.

I've got a VAR in place and have a GPS on the way to my office.


----------



## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

I'll stop this for a second - there are a few red flags and nothing more. You are smart to confirm a few things but do not go crazy...yet.

Honestly 100% of this would have been resolved if you had Dr Fone'd her cracked phone while you had it.

The answer is ALWAYS on the mobile device*

* although there sometimes is a hidden second one.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@happydad I'm not alarmist and W could he a solidly faithful gal.... But she has boundary issues at a minimum, and she's aroused the attention of at least one stray dog so it's best to be honest with things and address then directly. 

It's entirely possible your long stints away are emotionally draining your marriage and this is her relief valve. It's still dangerous, but could be understandable if she's not honest with herself or you about how significantly hurtful to her your physical distance is. Emotional connection is extremely important to many, and distance may make her feel - subconsciously - like you're choosing work over her. These could be sh1t tests to make her feel better that you actually will pursue her.

A lot of speculation on my part, but it points to the need for MC or at least long, open, honest talks about how you both feel about things. What worked in the past may no longer work for one or both of you.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Aaaargh I'm getting old and mixed up threads. Sorry about that travel but - you don't travel do you


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Aaaargh I'm getting old and mixed up threads. Sorry about that travel but - you don't travel do you


No worries, I don't travel too often any longer, typically quarterly for a night or two at a time. I'll be out of town later next month for four days, my wife is joining me two days in, so I should have a tell at that point.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

eric1 said:


> I'll stop this for a second - there are a few red flags and nothing more. You are smart to confirm a few things but do not go crazy...yet.
> 
> Honestly 100% of this would have been resolved if you had Dr Fone'd her cracked phone while you had it.
> 
> ...


Eric, thanks for chiming in, I still have her cracked phone, though yesterday was told it will NOT turn on and its unrecoverable. 

Pretty big red flag for me. My wife came home from work yesterday overly exhausted and acting odd. I had only broken the news to her 30 minutes prior that her phone would not be able to be fixed but not to worry, as all data would be recoverable (it won't). She was feeling me out as the night wore on and got better and better and came on to me throughout the night until we had amazing sex just before bed. 

I swear she uses sex to make me not think about things, and its worked for a long time, even this am I'm thinking that I'm imagining things.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @happydad *I'm not alarmist and W could he a solidly faithful gal.... But she has boundary issues at a minimum, and she's aroused the attention of at least one stray dog so it's best to be honest with things and address then directly.*
> 
> It's entirely possible your long stints away are emotionally draining your marriage and this is her relief valve. It's still dangerous, but could be understandable if she's not honest with herself or you about how significantly hurtful to her your physical distance is. Emotional connection is extremely important to many, and distance may make her feel - subconsciously - like you're choosing work over her. These could be sh1t tests to make her feel better that you actually will pursue her.
> 
> A lot of speculation on my part, but it points to the need for MC or at least long, open, honest talks about how you both feel about things. What worked in the past may no longer work for one or both of you.


I agree that this *(bold above)* could be the case, I've confided in my two closest friends and they both think I'm crazy because my wife is such a great girl, but they are also not two of the people I see her actively flirting/engaging with at social events. 

Some things I shared with my friends yesterday:

1. when we I confronted two months ago, when she adamantly said she has never cheated and never thought about cheating, I backed down quickly and admitted my stress had gotten the best of me and the snooping was taking a toll. She said why don't you go take some time, move out for 30 days or whatever. 

2. Another time I had confronted and said I'm just having a really hard time with everything, work, step-kids, the issues I've seen in her, the first thing out of her mouth was, well, do you want a divorce? I was taken back that she started there. 

In summary, she is definitely getting tired of my snooping, as its been going on for 6-8 months and I understand that would get old quick. My issue is, if my wife didn't trust me, or felt the need to snoop, I'd immediately offer to open everything up to share, statements, facebook, email, etc. She is just going with her word which has been all I've needed for 14 years.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

@happydad - of course she uses sex as a way to make you forget. This is very common.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

*Re: Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior.....(Updated)*



happydad said:


> So earlier this week, my wife's iphone stops working properly due to a cracked screen. I offer to take it to get fixed last Friday and did so. It for whatever reason wasn't completely fixed and the touch screen wouldn't work properly. I called her this am from my office at 945 and told her I'd swing by her office at 1030 to pick up the phone to take to Apple store and she agrees. Literally 5 minutes later she calls me twice frantically saying that she dropped her coffee mug on the phone and it won't even turn on. I didn't call her back just went to get the phone anyway at 1030.
> 
> The phone looks like somebody took a hammer to it! I take it to the Apple store and they say I need to buy a new screen...again, but should be recoverable.


Tell her you took the phone to Apple and they couldn't fix it so they threw it away. Then have the phone fixed and see what information you can get off of it. Her behavior is pretty damn suspicious.

It doesn't SOUND like she's having a physical affair but I suspect an emotional affair is VERY likely. Your wife has piss poor boundaries and flirts with other men for validation. She's a ticking time bomb, if one of them got her drunk and alone, the panties would come flying off with the quickness.

Your wife has a ton of motivation and just has lacked opportunity. She sounds like a HD wife too. If you don't get this fixed, it's not a question of if but WHEN she fvcks another guy. 

She doesn't respect the marriage. I'd be disgusted to see my SO eye fvcking another guy from across the room. YOU let this go on FAR too long without repercussions. You need to put your foot down NOW.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

*Re: Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior.....(Updated)*



BetrayedDad said:


> Tell her you took the phone to Apple and they couldn't fix it so they threw it away. Then have the phone fixed and see what information you can get off of it. Her behavior is pretty damn suspicious.
> 
> It doesn't SOUND like she's having a physical affair but I suspect an emotional affair is VERY likely. Your wife has piss poor boundaries and flirts with other men for validation. She's a ticking time bomb, if one of them got her drunk and alone, the panties would come flying off with the quickness.
> 
> ...


Thanks for this, I'm at the Apple Store now, her phone is done, but...I just got a new one and have the iCloud backup from 4/2/15.

Anybody have any ideas on what I should look for? I have about 2-3 hours with the phone!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

eric1 said:


> I'll stop this for a second - there are a few red flags and nothing more. You are smart to confirm a few things but do not go crazy...yet.
> 
> Honestly 100% of this would have been resolved if you had Dr Fone'd her cracked phone while you had it.
> 
> ...


I've never found anything on the phone in the past, should I be looking for deleted messages now that I have her phone with the iCloud backup from 4/2/16?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

*Re: Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior.....(Updated)*



happydad said:


> Thanks for this, I'm at the Apple Store now, her phone is done, but...I just got a new one and have the iCloud backup from 4/2/15.
> 
> Anybody have any ideas on what I should look for? I have about 2-3 hours with the phone!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @GusPolinski We need you stat!!!!

Besides the obvious like browser history, email and iMessage? 

Check her social media and also look for messaging apps like KiK.

Let me tell you what I did OP. I took an old iphone I had and set up my wife's apple account on it (in addition to the phone she already had). So every time she got an iMessage it would hit the other device as well. She used to delete her messages but I was able to catch her cheating on me in real time. Apple store people could do it for you if you have an old device kicking around and aren't tech savvy. Just an option to consider.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior.....(Updated)*



BetrayedDad said:


> @GusPolinski
> 
> We need you stat!!!!
> 
> ...


1. Use Wondershare Dr. Fone to perform a complete export from the (old) phone itself. When prompted to select what you want to export, select _everything_. Be sure to save the export when done.

2. Push a new backup of the device up to iCloud as a fallback. Also use a local iTunes installation to perform a local backup of the device.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Also remember to check her App Store purchases/downloads for any of the usual cheater apps i.e. SnapChat, WhatsApp, Kik, Line, Viber, Burner, etc. If you come across any apps that aren't well known, Google them to get more info. A lot of apps made specifically for cheating are disguised as something else. Many of those don't stay in Apple's App Store for very long, though.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

happydad said:


> I've never found anything on the phone in the past, should I be looking for deleted messages now that I have her phone with the iCloud backup from 4/2/16?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Follow Gus's instructions and "yes" you should look for deleted messages. If there is anything to find, it will be in deleted messages.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

*Re: Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior.....(Updated)*



GusPolinski said:


> 1. Use Wondershare Dr. Fone to perform a complete export from the (old) phone itself. When prompted to select what you want to export, select _everything_. Be sure to save the export when done.
> 
> 2. Push a new backup of the device up to iCloud as a fallback. Also use a local iTunes installation to perform a local backup of the device.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> ...


Thanks @GusPolinski unfortunately, I don't have the phone itself, only the iCloud backup from 4/2/16, will wonder share recover deleted messages on an iCloud backup?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior.....(Updated)*



happydad said:


> Thanks @GusPolinski unfortunately, I don't have the phone itself, only the iCloud backup from 4/2/16, will wonder share recover deleted messages on an iCloud backup?


Yes.

What happened to the old phone?

*** Note *** Your wife will likely receive a notification email at the email address linked to her iTunes/iCloud account once you use WDF to log into the account (which you'll have to do in order to download the backup for WDF). You need to be ready to intercept that e-mail. In fact, you'd be wise to configure a rule to delete any such e-mails from Apple going forward.

Now... if you've already downloaded the backup, you're good.

Assuming, of course, that you intercepted that e-mail.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

*Re: Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior.....(Updated)*



GusPolinski said:


> 1. Use Wondershare Dr. Fone to perform a complete export from the (old) phone itself. When prompted to select what you want to export, select _everything_. Be sure to save the export when done.
> 
> 2. Push a new backup of the device up to iCloud as a fallback. Also use a local iTunes installation to perform a local backup of the device.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> ...


Well, I clicked on updates for her app purchase history, and did find the KiK app. I think I eff'd up because I asked her if she knew what this was and she said she had no idea. I recall searching and even trying to download the kik app on her phone a few weeks back, but can't remember if I downloaded it or just searched for it to see if it was installed or on the cloud. 

Anyhow, I have another red flag that I could have created on my own. 

Quick question, would I have needed her password to download the KIK app when I was snooping?


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

*Re: Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior.....(Updated)*



GusPolinski said:


> Yes.
> 
> What happened to the old phone?
> 
> ...


If you read my previous post, you'll see the history, the short is I took her phone to get the cracked screen fixed as the touch screen wasn't working properly last Friday, the new screen worked about 25% so I called my wife Monday am at 945 to tell her I'd pick up my phone from her and take it in. She said she can't because she has a 10am meeting, i told her to leave her phone in the car and I'd grab it at 1030. She called me frantically 4 minutes later saying that she really effed up and now her phone is cracked and won't turn on. She said a coffee cup fell out of her cupboard above her desk at work and landed on it perfectly. It almost looked as though somebody hit it with a hammer. 

Today got the phone fixed and backed up via icloud.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Just found this site, and need some advice on wife's behavior.....(Updated)*



happydad said:


> Well, I clicked on updates for her app purchase history, and did find the KiK app. I think I eff'd up because I asked her if she knew what this was and she said she had no idea. I recall searching and even trying to download the kik app on her phone a few weeks back, but can't remember if I downloaded it or just searched for it to see if it was installed or on the cloud.
> 
> Anyhow, I have another red flag that I could have created on my own.
> 
> Quick question, would I have needed her password to download the KIK app when I was snooping?


Maybe... depends on her settings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Here is an article re: looking up iTunes/App Store purchase history...

https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT204088

Not sure how current it is, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Here is an article re: looking up iTunes/App Store purchase history...
> 
> https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT204088
> 
> ...


thanks, I saw that it was purchased/downloaded in 2012. I had asked my 18 year old step daughter if it was her and she said no which drew a red flag, I just asked her if she ever used it and she said in like 8th grade. 

This detective stuff is not for me. I keep coming up empty.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

happydad said:


> thanks, I saw that it was purchased/downloaded in 2012. I had asked my 18 year old step daughter if it was her and she said no which drew a red flag, I just asked her if she ever used it and she said in like 8th grade.
> 
> This detective stuff is not for me. I keep coming up empty.


And what grade was she in in 2012? Four years ago? Maybe "like 8th"?


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> And what grade was she in in 2012? Four years ago? Maybe "like 8th"?


yes


----------



## Butterfly321 (Apr 25, 2016)

Boundaries are very important. It doesn't matter if she is not cheating. Her behavior (which is not appropriate for a married woman ) threatens the marriage. Talk with her and ask her to keep the flirting down . Be kind and tell her how it hurts you . Strike 1 strike 3 your out ..


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Don't put too much effort into the phone. She's not a cheater. She's a party girl. Hit and run. A little flirting, a little dirty dancing, maybe a few "innocent" kisses on the dance floor...

So don't feel too comfortable if your spying comes up empty. If you REALLY want to get something, send someone to spy on her next girls night.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*0*


MachoMcCoy said:


> Don't put too much effort into the phone. She's not a cheater. She's a party girl. Hit and run. A little flirting, a little dirty dancing, maybe a few "innocent" kisses on the dance floor...
> 
> So don't feel too comfortable if your spying comes up empty. If you REALLY want to get something, send someone to spy on her next girls night.


What you just described sounds suspiciously like cheating to me.

At the lower end of the scale, true, but...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Oh, it's very much "cheating". But not the kind he will find on her phone. More likely in her Facebook page. Or, more accurately, her _friend's_ Facebook pages.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Don't put too much effort into the phone. She's not a cheater. She's a party girl. Hit and run. A little flirting, a little dirty dancing, maybe a few "innocent" kisses on the dance floor...
> 
> So don't feel too comfortable if your spying comes up empty. If you REALLY want to get something, send someone to spy on her next girls night.


She is definitely the party girl. She likes to get wasted when no kids/responsibilities are around. Her girls nights consist of a two hour dinner with two other ex-coworkers that are both married with kids. 

As I look back on our relationship over the years, she has always let loose like this and probably crossed the flirting line, (I've never witnessed her kiss/touch inappropriately) but now I pay much more attention to it, to the point where its maddening, and there are definitely times now that I'm overreacting and getting irritated when I shouldn't be. 

My plan is to continue to monitor with VAR, already in place 2 days in car with no red flags on the feedback. I should get the GPS tomorrow. If all comes back negative through my weekend away June1-5, I'm going to trust her and just reiterate my boundary concerns.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

update: not much. 

Things seem to be ok and I can tell she is on edge a little regarding our relationship and she seems to be going out of her way to be the woman I love. 

Just a few odd things, I play softball and she keeps asking when my new season starts, which was last night. To the point where it was a little awkward and then when I made a face like "wtf?" she said it was because she has to stay late at work for graduation next week and might need a sitter if I had to play softball. 

Another odd piece, I did add the GPS, and nothing at all for the first week, but I've noticed she goes to a different grocery store now, and has gone twice this week on her lunch break. She is only at the store for 15 minutes and I ended up going home at lunch and she was a little surprised by the coincidence that we were both there at the same time. 

I took the VAR's out of the car and am kicking myself a bit now for doing so, but it became an exercise in futility. 

I guess my question is has anybody used the GPS in the past and how dangerous is it to try and see what is happening or if she is meeting anybody at the store, or is the GPS just an external monitoring device to see if she is where she say she is or any odd places?


----------



## LittleRed (May 12, 2016)

I don't think she is cheating or wants to. Her behavior reminds me a lot of my husbands the first 7years we were together. She likes attention, especially male attention. Iat usually steams from daddy issues. She might not realize she's doing it, especially since it's only when she's drinking. Her actions are from her insecurities, but it dosent make them ok. You need to have a serious conversation with her and let her know exactly how you feel. You might have to do that 100 times before she gets it, I know it was like talking to a brick wall with my husband. But if everything else is good, then it's really worth working this issue out. Good luck!


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Check credit/debt account online and see if she is purchasing anything at the store. 

Is she going to the store and back to her workplace or does she go home for lunch? 

If going home for lunch, is the store on her way home or out of the way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Place the VAR back in the car. If she was doing something, she might have laid off for a while to let things cool down.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

if you can follow with out being seen or sit across the street. Then watch what happens. Be sure to keep your cool if you do. Video tape if you can.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

Tobyboy said:


> Check credit/debt account online and see if she is purchasing anything at the store.
> 
> Is she going to the store and back to her workplace or does she go home for lunch?
> 
> ...


Its just grocery shopping and she works two blocks from the house, so yes, she stops at the house to drop off the groceries on the way back to work. 

I went home when I thought she was at the store still on Monday and she was there....lol, apparently the GPS is delayed!


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Flirting is never a problem until it is, like driving when just slightly tipse. I suspect she will not wake up to that fact until she or a friend destroy their marriage.


----------

