# Question for the men



## momma90 (Jun 30, 2012)

I have been married since 2010. I have two children with my husband. I'm a stay at home mom/housewife and he is a security guard. His job allows him to sit around all day and watch youtube, play guitar, pick his nose, etc. with occasional paperwork to be done. He works 3 days a week on 12 hour shifts. 

I want to be with my husband and I do love him but he has no interest in helping me with the babies, housework, etc. 

The only thing I ask of him is to pick up his own messes, take his own dishes to the sink, put his dirty laundry in a pile/basket so I don't have to run all over the house to find his dirty clothes, take the trash off, and occasionally if I'm stressed out, take some responsibility off me, help me relax or give me a break. I don't have a problem with doing the housework, cooking, laundry, or taking care of the kids.

The only thing he wants to do is sit on the couch, play his computer games, watch tv, throw his trash in the floor, pile his dishes up all over the couch/side table and nag at me. He wants me to bring him his food/drinks, take care of the kids, keep all the laundry clean, etc. If he loses something he always said I'm taking his sh*t and losing it. If the mac and cheese get too much milk, he says I need to learn how to cook. If I ask him to get the crying baby (4 months old and 4 yrs old) while I'm cooking or something, he says I'm a bad parent. He also expects me to wake him up for work, even if I'm up with the kids all night, so many nights I end up having to pull a night shift just so he can get up for work and then he nags at me for sleeping during the day or talks about how he wishes he had a wife that would get up during the day. 

After my c-section in Nov 2012, the first day I got to come home (2-3 days after surgery), my husband got drunk and I had to stay up and babysit him and the children. He also started to get mean and before the night was over, he ended up pushing and screaming at me. (I had staples and I could not hardly walk or do any movement at all) 

How can I get him to respect me more? I want to have a life with him and raise our children together but I need him to change. I'm starting to lose interest in our marriage and sometimes it doesn't feel right to tell him that I love him. Any advice on how to get him to listen, understand and start helping me any at all? Thanks for your answers!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

momma90 said:


> How can I get him to respect me more?


My first inclination was that as you are shoving the ice pick into his ear, there's that instant where he gains a newfound respect for you that stays with him for the rest of his very short life. However...

The first thing you need to do is gain enough self-respect to lay down the ultimatum and mean it. If he is complaining about the cooking then quit cooking for him. Quit doing his laundry, don't wake him up for work, etc.

All he needs is one time late to work and he will know you mean business and be forced to do it himself.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

momma90 said:


> How can I get him to respect me more? I want to have a life with him and raise our children together but I need him to change. I'm starting to lose interest in our marriage and sometimes it doesn't feel right to tell him that I love him. Any advice on how to get him to listen, understand and start helping me any at all? Thanks for your answers!


Stop treating him like another child.

Let his crap pile up if it gets in your way start shoving it in "his area".
Stop doing his laundry, let the kid scream, stop cooking for him.

When he starts asking what's up tell him he needs to hire a maid because you ain't it.

Tell him to get off his ass and start being a husband & father.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Cook and tell him it's ready. Don't bring it to him. When his belly flaps against his backbone enough, he'll get up and fix his plate. Tell him when he's finished, his dishes will go in the sink or you'll put them in the trash. If he asks you to wake him up, toss him an alarm clock. If he complains about the chow and says you need to learn how to cook, toss him an apron and tell him you're ready to learn. Chef Boyardee can get off his dead wazoo and show off his culinary expertise. Tell him if he wants his clothes laundered they will find their way to the laundry basket.


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## momma90 (Jun 30, 2012)

Well I have actually told him I wasn't doing his laundry before and I didn't do it for about a week. It didn't bother him at all. He wore dirty clothes and everyday he came home and started talking about how bad of a wife I am to let him wear dirty clothes all week. 

I don't feel comfortable with letting the baby cry. I'm upset with him, not the baby so therefore, I don't see why I should take it out on her by trying to prove something to him.

I have let him be late 2 days in the past and he does nothing but say that it is my fault and say I'm going to make him lose his job. He is a very deep sleeper and I honestly part of his reason for him wanting me to wake him up is because he can't hear an alarm clock. Everytime I let him be late, I get a lecture on how he can't be late because he will lose his job and then we won't be able to support the kids. And of course if that happens, I will be the one at fault since I'm the one who gets him up. I don't have a car or insurance so I can't get a job,....so don't even say it. 

As of not cleaning his messes, I have let the house get dirty before because of his messes and he just kept on saying that I'm a bad parent for letting the babies live in something like that. I tried to turn it around in his face and say that he doesn't do any better by making the messes and waiting on me to clean them but he then started saying things similar to "Who do you think is really going to be at fault, mom (the one that is suppose to take care of the babies) or dad?", or that I'm an unfit parent and he would get the babies if we ever split up because he has the job. I ask him if he even knew how to take care of them and he said yea and then he said that his mom and dad would help him take them from me. I asked him again if he knew how to take care of them and he kinda mention that his mom, grandmother and aunt would be around to help. (which means they would be taking care of them for him). 

In some ways, I feel like I'm a single parent. Yes he does make money to buy them diapers, wipes, food, etc. but I just wish he would treat me like a wife instead of his little b*tch.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Based on what you wrote, your husband is acting like a lazy, spoiled child and so far he has no reason to stop. It is tough to change when is is content to be a lazy slob. Withhold what he most likes.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

I'm sorry, but he is acting like a spoiled child, but that's one thing. Adding to it, he's bordering on verbal abuse, and you have to decide if you're going to stand for it.

Do not let him turn it around on you, you must tell him to stop acting like a baby, and you are not his mother.

Please stand up for yourself, put your foot down, let him know you expectations and follow through, if he want to fuss and cry and not take care of his mess, let him know, you're willing to clean after him by throwing away his stuff if he doesn't want to take care of it, because sometimes that's what mommy does to spoiled children.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Stop treating him like another child.
> 
> Let his crap pile up if it gets in your way start shoving it in "his area".
> Stop doing his laundry, let the kid scream, stop cooking for him.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

He's doing it because you let him....


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

I don't know what to advise. Personally I would try counselling; just you alone. It may help you to understand that this is abusive behaviour. Maybe through counselling you will get a better understanding of why you are putting up with this. 

I think you need your self esteem raised a little to see this for what it is. Then you will know what to do.

You are not a wife. You are a slave, and a surrogate mother to a spoiled abusive child.


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