# I wish i didn't have hope



## TxSad73 (May 10, 2015)

I wish I didn't have hope. I have done everything suggested here, I have implemented the 180. I have asked him to move out (he said he is looking), I have scheduled an appointment with one of the best lawyers in the county. I have not outed him except to his parents because I have this unrealistic hope that he will magically realize what he is doing. When will the hope fade? I want him to move out but at the same time it scares me to death.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

TxSad73 said:


> I wish I didn't have hope. I have done everything suggested here, I have implemented the 180. I have asked him to move out (he said he is looking), I have scheduled an appointment with one of the best lawyers in the county. I have not outed him except to his parents because I have this unrealistic hope that he will magically realize what he is doing. When will the hope fade? I want him to move out but at the same time it scares me to death.


Complete 180 includes the emotional detachment. What helped/helps me in this emotional crossroads is setting a time table/boundary. Commit to yourself and tell your spouse that if his behavior does not change on the x date ( be precise ), there will be no going back. Then stick to that date and your threat. It could be next month, it could be in 3 days.

When I have done this in the past, when I reach that date, all that emotion for the other person mostly disperses and I can focus on what is next. I know it is a trick, and never really expect them to change, but there is something about it that works.


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## TxSad73 (May 10, 2015)

If it includes the emotional detachment, then i am not there yet. I miss him terribly, i have become so lonely at night that i have asked my youngest to sleep with me (pathetic i know). i spoke to my IC about why I had hope and couldn't just kick him out and move on. Part of my history is that my father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage. it was well known in our small town that my father (heck all my uncles were the same) was a ladies man. My IC tells me that i learned from my mother. I find his cheating forgivable because she (mom) did.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry that you are having this rotten horrible experience.

Do things for yourself and your children.

It will take time for the pain to get better. Glad that you are seeing a counselor.

If he has not stopped cheating and is not remorseful, you can't fix this by yourself. 

You do deserve someone that will have boundaries and not cheat on you. Someday I hope you find that relationship. 

He will someday feel remorse if he is not now, but the A is like an addiction and he gets high from his A. At least some get "positive feelings". But these feelings will not last because unicorns poop just like any other creature. 

Find some happiness for you and your kids. Your kids need some help as well, this is tough on the entire family.

Hoping for better days for you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

TxSad73,

Seldom does emotional detachment comes easy for anyone dealing with a spouse's infidelity. Even in the case of those who have lost all hope of reconciliation. It takes time but when it does come, you will be well on the road to healing.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559*
*The 180 degree rules*
*"Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... *.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Take it one step at a time. 

And remember, we are here for you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

TxSad73 said:


> If it includes the emotional detachment, then i am not there yet. I miss him terribly, i have become so lonely at night that i have asked my youngest to sleep with me (pathetic i know). i spoke to my IC about why I had hope and couldn't just kick him out and move on. Part of my history is that my father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage. it was well known in our small town that my father (heck all my uncles were the same) was a ladies man. My IC tells me that i learned from my mother. I find his cheating forgivable because she (mom) did.


You do NOT have to have emotional detachment at this time. You only have to ACT like you do. 

I heard you on asking your youngest to sleep with you. Mine wanted to until a couple months ago and I milked it for all it was worth . (Don't judge me!  ) I also had a father who was unfaithful. 

There's no right and wrong way to go about this. The only thing you need to try to do is try to be strong and do what is best for your health and your children's health. You still have feelings for him and that's natural and it only means you're not the jackass in this equation. And that's not anything to be ashamed of. 

But you're still a woman deserving of all the good things this life has to offer you. We'll be here for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Don't be so hard on yourself, you are taking the right steps, keep at it, one day at a time and time will heal you and this pain will fade.


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## TxSad73 (May 10, 2015)

Quick update and wanted to run a few things by the forum. So Many things have happened since DDay 4/20/2015.

1. I have asked that he move out. I know he found a house and signed a lease but he has not told me or the children about it. I only know because he told this to his best friend and best friend mentioned it to me. Why is he stalling? I have not and will not ask about it, my plan is to let him bring up the subject to me and the children.
2. I have spoken to a lawyer and told her about our situation. My plan is to file as soon as he moves out.
3. Because i have implemented the no contact, we rarely see each other, he is gone most of the day, and i am trying very hard to never be home. I am always at practices for my 3 children, or enjoying the community pool or just socializing with family. My oldest has mentioned that daddy is always texting wondering where we are.
4. We have been intimate a few times (don't judge), he was always the initiator. I decided this weekend NEVER AGAIN but i do crave that intimacy with him sigh...
5. Today he asked if I wanted to take the children on vacation somewhere, he showed me a couple of the searches he's done online including Atlantis in the Bahamas which the children have been begging for. I must admit he caught me off guard and I said "I'd have to check at work". It felt so normal speaking to him about it. I would love to go on a family trip, but i know what the answer should be. 

I also wanted to thank everyone who responded to my cry for help. I am not the best communicator, but please know that I appreciate everyone here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like over all you are doing well under the circumstance.

Did his friend tell you when the move-in date was for the lease that your husband signed?

His bringing up the vacation might have been a way to get your attention. He is probably noticing that you are detaching and he wants to pull you back in. Resist.


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## TxSad73 (May 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like over all you are doing well under the circumstance.
> 
> Did his friend tell you when the move-in date was for the lease that your husband signed?
> 
> His bringing up the vacation might have been a way to get your attention. He is probably noticing that you are detaching and he wants to pull you back in. Resist.


He has possession is what I was told. I am dreading the day he breaks the news to my children. They have no clue.:crying: 

It is difficult for him to travel with 3 children because as a small business owner he is on the phone all the time. My guess is he wants me around to help him with the kids.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TxSad73 said:


> He has possession is what I was told. I am dreading the day he breaks the news to my children. They have no clue. :crying:
> 
> It is difficult for him to travel with 3 children because as a small business owner he is on the phone all the time. My guess is he wants me around to help him with the kids.


Sounds like he's planning on bringing his ex-stripper girlfriend along w/ y'all.


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## TxSad73 (May 10, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Sounds like he's planning on bringing his ex-stripper girlfriend along w/ y'all.


Yes, it did cross my mind that he would do this. 

We have traveled some this year and I do remember him leaving us at the pool for some alone time. I often wondered if he brought her along.


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