# Already over?? Help!



## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Here is my story.
We've been married less than 6 months. We are both 28, she has a young girl from previous marriage. Things started going down hill over a month ago when she told me she's been unhappy. Not, with me, just life, work in general. She didn't know what was wrong with her. I tried to help her and get her to talk but she said there was nothing to talk about and now all I'm doing is smothering her. I wasn't good at backing off. I love her I just wanted to help.

Fast forward a month, she breaks down and says she needs to get away, so she goes and spends the night at her gfs house. When she gets home I'm worried and look through her phone and see has been talking to her ex about our problems. *note* I know for a fact she didn't go over to ex that night* 
So I'm mad and finally confront her about it in a nice way. I tell her I'm not accusing her of cheating, I just know you are talking to your ex and lets work this out. She denies it, won't let me see her phone and leaves the house. 
I leave after that to give her space and end up being gone all week because she doesn't want to see me. 
End of the week rolls around and I tell her it's time for me to be home with my family. She says I can come home but she will be gone for the weekend. She won't tell me where and flips out and doesn't want to be around something that is telling lies. 
So then I send her the proof of the text and she flips out because I went through her phone. She starts blameshifting saying it's my fault we have no trust and it's over. 

In her mind it's fine she went to her ex, because she says he understands things that I don't. I tell her I'm her husband and am here for her and she can talk to me about anything, which we used to do, I don't know how that changed. I think she is confused and still in love with her ex.

Sorry for the long post but I have to go. I'll answer any questions and reveal more if I need to. Thanks in advance. 

I will do anything in my power to work this out! WHAT do I do??


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

i think you need to start by apologising for looking into her phone - i can understand why you did it, but from her point of view, it was a breach of trust... and perhaps it validated her concerns in the first place which is why she wanted to talk to her ex.

i presume the ex is the father of the child? or not so?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Look you have to realise its over. If not today it'll be tomorrow. She isnt worth it.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

I have apologized for it already. I guess I should say, I've done it before and told her. I had my reasons because she told me in the beginning when we were dating that she wasn't over ex 100 per cent yet so it made me a little insecure. I know that's something I need to work on, I admit that. 

No this ex is not the father of the child.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

lostmylove said:


> I have apologized for it already. I guess I should say, I've done it before and told her. I had my reasons because she told me in the beginning when we were dating that she wasn't over ex 100 per cent yet so it made me a little insecure. I know that's something I need to work on, I admit that.
> 
> No this ex is not the father of the child.


i think you need to be humble, and remember that as far as she is concerned: you are in the wrong, she is in the right. you will not change what she thinks about that. you have to accept that and move on.

i think you need to be open and upfront about how you are sorry about what you did.. however, also tell hr that you are insecure about her speaking to her ex in the way that she does.. and maybe discuss that if having her ex in her life is essentialf or her, then you need to work out a way that it can happen wthout hurting you... maybe that means not doing it in secret or whatever, but i think you need to have a frank discussion about it


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

soundofthesphere said:


> i think you need to start by apologising for looking into her phone - i can understand why you did it, but from her point of view, it was a breach of trust... and perhaps it validated her concerns in the first place which is why she wanted to talk to her ex.
> 
> i presume the ex is the father of the child? or not so?


WRONG!

You are allowed complete transparency in a marriage. You should be able to look at each others email, phones, FB, etc.
You knew something was going on and checked up. She's blame shifting and gaslighting because she knows that what she did/is doing is wrong.
She's seeing ex, you can count on it. Meanwhile, you stay home and take care of HER daughter.

Time to move on.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

The problem is she isn't ready to talk. I found out she has been at her parents, so that is good. I know you don't believe me, especially after all the post on this site. But she wouldnt do that to me with her ex...yet. I just hope and pray we can sit an discuss this like adults before she just throws it all away without even trying to work this out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

She has her daughter by the way. I haven't seen her in a week 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

lostmylove said:


> The problem is she isn't ready to talk. I found out she has been at her parents, so that is good. I know you don't believe me, especially after all the post on this site. But she wouldnt do that to me with her ex...yet. I just hope and pray we can sit an discuss this like adults before she just throws it all away without even trying to work this out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One question?
Is she leaving her daughter with you as she goes out and does whatever faithful, honest, admirable thing she does?

If so, what is she doing that her daughter shouldn't see?

We posted at the same time.

Never mind.
Grandma is watching the girl...


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

DanF said:


> WRONG!
> 
> You are allowed complete transparency in a marriage. You should be able to look at each others email, phones, FB, etc.
> You knew something was going on and checked up. She's blame shifting and gaslighting because she knows that what she did/is doing is wrong.
> ...


isn't it impossible to have general rules about any relationship - to say that there needs to be complete transparency in every marriage is far too simplistic. 

maybe we all think that she did the wrong thing, but the reality is that SHE doesn't believe that. if he wants to repair the relationship, then surely he must work within that context. afterall - healing relationships is FAR more than just working out who is to blame.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You have been replaced, sorry. Until she ends all contact with her X then the dynamics of the marriage will not be addressed by her. Inher eyes you are the bad guy here and her X is the understanding sole that should have been with all along.

She doesn't want to hurt you and therefor the deciet continues. as long as you don't know the truth and her little secret is safe she will continue to use the "confused" card.

It is not often that a women will leave the stablity and security of a man until one has been replace or the possiblity of a replacement is there...hence the "I need space".

You are in denial and she has her secrets. Work on your self for now, and with a smile on your face wish her the best and show her the confidence that you can move on with out her. Hopefully she will think twice in what she is about to lose.

Start to work on your self for your self and be a better person. sometimes poeple want what they can't have so stop contacting her (you will soon find she is the one chasing you) and if she see what you are becoming with the confidence in letting her go she may start to second guess her choices.

Just don't let her cake eat, b/c when she sees the new you and has had enough space to see that her X is an X for a reason then she may want to come back only to have a fake R that will only lead to more of your pain. " I'l get back back with my H and see OM on the side" You have every right to validat her commitment and protect your feels by investigating her true intentions.

Stop being played and man up, you can control her so stop trying, but you can control how you behave and the perception of confidence that will show her you are moving on unless she changes and SHE WANT THE MARRIAGE!


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

I agree, I don't want to blame her. It doesnt matter who was in the wrong right now. I just want to work past this, then we can deal with issues and guidelines later. 
How do I approach the next conversation when I finally see her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

I will work on myself and be confident. Thanks. 

Quick question, when she comes back I'm not leaving the house and want to stand firm. Do you think that is wise?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes, you stay, she is the one that wants to step out of the marriage, she wants to leave the marriage then she leaves the marital home.

With calmness and certainty show her a indifference to her that will let her know you are comfortable with the fact that she wants to move on. Even though you are scared sh!tless and unsure and scared. Do not beg or cry for your marriage. This will look unattractive and it will create even more disrespect for you. 

She will play the "lets be friends card" ...do not let her cake eat. Inform her, for your emotional health it would be best that she move on with whom ever she wants to, and then smile.

She will again take offence in the "whom" remark and then smile again and inform her that she knows whats best and what she wants out of this marriage.

Inform her, until she has a change of heart you are confident in moving past this on your own.


Confidence brother...you are no longer her doormat that she can manage....You know damb well you she wants right now so stop tolorating it and as tough as it is show her you will not tolorate it.

Be perpared for the blameshifting and the finger pointing. The bottom line and the point to stay on, is her choices that she is making that are going to have permenent effect on her marriage.

As weak as you feel and as much as you want to say you are sorry for her being with her X ...don't...the perception here is the ability to make her believe you are no longer chacing her and you won't always be around. Do this in a calm manner no matter what bottons she pushes, do not let her justify her choice, but make her think twice in how much you have changed, and this change may lead to losing you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In short, standing firm doesn't mean being a angry jerk, but calmly state that you are confident in letting her go.

Be prepared for her to run off to the OM and let her know her abandonment will not be taken lightly.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

I really needed to hear that, thanks. I will give an update after she comes home this weekend. Wish me well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Write your thought down, it will not only help you stay on point but it will help you down the road. I journeled during this crappy time in my own life and it really helped.

Again be prepared for her justifing her action, and don't accuse her of something you can't prove.

That will come later on when you have time to investigate the real reason she wants "time to her self" = "time with OM"

If you have time go buy a VAR it will come in handy.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Good idea, think I will write it down. 
I already have proof and showed her. I took a pic of it on my phone and showed her which made her more mad. 
Then later on she accused me of using spyware on her phone which I didn't do. Ah just wasn't aware that you can still see deleted text on her phone after you delete them. I was surprised to find that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

soundofthesphere said:


> isn't it impossible to have general rules about any relationship - to say that there needs to be complete transparency in every marriage is far too simplistic.


Having general rules in a relationship is necessary. One very good rule is, "We do not hide anything from each other except presents.".
Now, I don't look through my wife's phone every time she comes in the home. I never go into her purse(I think Jimmy Hoffa may be in there still). We do look at each others FB pages and emails just to see what's up occasionally. For a long time we just used the same email address, but since I am away a lot, it became easier and less confusing for us to get separate accounts.



soundofthesphere said:


> maybe we all think that she did the wrong thing, but the reality is that SHE doesn't believe that. if he wants to repair the relationship, then surely he must work within that context. afterall - healing relationships is FAR more than just working out who is to blame.


If she didn't think that there was anything wrong with what she is doing, she wouldn't be guarding her phone and be pissed off that Hubby looked at it.

Do you intentionally hide texts/emails from your spouse? If so, there is trouble coming, because there should be absolutely nothing that you discuss with anyone that your spouse can't see or hear.

I know from my own past that saying something to a woman that I would not want my wife to hear is moving into dangerous territory.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats the big one "we dont hide things from each other except presents" You will for sure need that when you have the talk....write that one down.

Another thing I want to point out is the fact that she "sees nothing wrong" The new LML can tell her that he doesn't want to and he can't control her but can find someone that wants to be with him and him alone.

The bottom line , when they do have there talk, she will be all over the board with his issues and her justifying her need for "space" but it all boils down to aggreeing with her that he is not a pefect husband and now understands this and is willing to move on and repair him self, it is up to her to come along or be left behind.

LVL can control this whole conversation by staying calm and working his plan. Do something he hasn't done before during his past conversations with his wife.
That will throw her off by being this different person she is not expecting.

It would be interesting if his wife came home after sowwing her oats with her X and submitted to what all he said. Thats when he needs to really get worried, b/c the affair has gone deep underground or he is better then the X.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

What is LVL and LML
Also, I am positive there has been no affair yet. I know you guys won't believe that and say I'm in denial, but im 100 per cent certain of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Oh and I am better than the ex. Her friends all tell me I'm the best she's ever had. Her ex cheated on her and verbally abused her. That's why I'm so confused why she went to him for help. She used to tell me everything. I don't know how/when that changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

LVL=lostmylove,LML=LVL

Ok so there is no affair yet, but my additude still remains the same......calmness,confident and indifference will serve you well if she still wants to leave.


By the way how are you so sure of the no affair thing????


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Because up until this week were unsepretable. Her friends told me her ex does not want her anymore, was just giving her advice (they know him well too) and her sister says she would never do that during marriage. Now, I've read a lot on here and have seen some bad **** go down and people said the same as me. But I refuse to believe that at this time, and honestly don't think it has gone there yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Alot of us guys at the "coping with infidelity" forum have said the same thing.

It is my experience that a wayward will often keep this kind of thing from there closest friends. cheating is not the proudest thing to be bragging about. It is often a secret keep to the waywards self.

I quess I'm jaded, having experience something I never though my wife would do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hope that doesn't take away from my perspective on your sitch


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

I just don't want to think about that yet. I'll cross that road if it happens. It it already has happened I'll deal with it accordingly. Until then, me thinking that and letting it eat me up will just make me weaker and will not help the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> isn't it impossible to have general rules about any relationship - to say that there needs to be complete transparency in every marriage is far too simplistic.


I've heard of those marriages where you don't need transparency... ironically enough, they call them "open" marriages. Go figure.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lostmylove said:


> I will do anything in my power to work this out! WHAT do I do??


Get the hell out.

Single mother 
Married 6 months
Messing with the Ex
Lying
Cheating
Hiding ****
Not coming home
Sleeping Where?

GTFO...and don`t look back.

You`d be a complete masochist to even think about working this out.

Maybe you can get it annulled.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> i think you need to be humble, and remember that as far as she is concerned: you are in the wrong, she is in the right. you will not change what she thinks about that. you have to accept that and move on.
> 
> i think you need to be open and upfront about how you are sorry about what you did.. however, also tell hr that you are insecure about her speaking to her ex in the way that she does.. and maybe discuss that if having her ex in her life is essentialf or her, then you need to work out a way that it can happen wthout hurting you... maybe that means not doing it in secret or whatever, but i think you need to have a frank discussion about it


I think the OP shouldn`t listen to a thing soundofsphere says.

This is madness, disregard everything this person has told you.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Well Tacoma, I'm not ready to do that yet. Time will tell. I may be back here telling you I should of listened to you, but I'm not ready to give up on her yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

Ahh tacoma may be a bit brutal about it, but in the end he is probably right. And i have to say, at the very least your wife is having an emotional affair with her ex. I would say it's just as likely it's a physical one as well. Even if you are convinced that there is nothing physical, the emotional one is just as wrong.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Common you wife is reconnected to the ex, she likely had him over the week you were gone.

File already and stop chasng her very obvious lies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

You guys are harsh. Hopefully I can come back here with a success story and my marriage doesn't end up like most peoples and she really didnt go that far with this. Odds are you're right, but until I know for sure, I'm going to believe that she really was just confused and needed space and I pushed her too far. There are many other issues that have affected her life to make her act like this that I haven't revealed. I appreciate the advice I do, but for now, I'm staying optimistic until proven otherwise. And if I'm wrong, you can rub it in my face all you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Be prepared to be cheated on.

She obviously is doing something inappropriate with her ex if she got pissed you went through her phone... And left over it. I would never get angry at my hubby for going through my phone, I have nothing to hide. If she's pissed because you went through her phone - she has something to hide from you. The "betrayal of trust" argument isn't valid. If my hubby went through my phone, and told me - I'd tell him to go ahead and have a look and while you're at it, here's my email password - I have NOTHING to hide and would want to prove it!

Only a guilty party runs off pissed saying she's "sleeping at a 'girlfriends' house."

If you want to protect your marriage, you need to force her to tell you the truth. You need to demand to see the texts before she comes back. You need to know the extent of her relationship with her EX and then you need to base your decision off of that.

Obviously, her EX is much more valuable to her than you. You voiced your discomfort in their relationship and she left you for him... If things were how they should be in your marriage, she would be concerned over your concern and cut her ties with him. I'd personally be packing my hubby's bags and putting in a postal change of address to his ex's house if he did that to me!


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

This really sucks. I have nothing left to say for now, guess I'm in denial. Hope and pray she hasnt gone that far. I know the red flags are there and from what you guys have been though and learned it equals the outcome you say. But god I hope it's not true. I've never been through anything like this and just want it to go back to normal. I'm just spinning my wheels I know, but it helps to just say what I want on here and get it off my chest. Thank you all for preparing me for the worst....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

lostmylove said:


> You guys are harsh.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LML, a lot of us have been exactly where you are. We didn't believe it, either.
We are harsh because we KNOW.
I am not saying that there is no way that we could be wrong, we are all just saying that the odds are with us, not you, unfortunately.

I hope that you can come back and tell us we were wrong, and if you can, great. If you can't, we will still welcome you and give you support.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I'm really sorry to hear of your situation. Love is awesome, but love opens us up to hurt. 

She is:

 Lying
 Having sex with someone else
 Accusing you falsely to confuse you 
 Not the least bit sorry
I would be ruthless in such a situation and cut her off. However, if you want to work it out, all of the above needs to change right away, plus you need to:


 Stop being a pushover
 Track her like crazy with VAR, keyloggers, and phone bill details
 Stop being a pushover
You seem like a nice guy. It's nice that you're nice. However, while you're being nice your new wife is having hot, sweaty sex with another guy, and talking badly to everyone about you.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I think the OP shouldn`t listen to a thing soundofsphere says.
> 
> This is madness, disregard everything this person has told you.


i would agree with you if the OP wants to end it... but the OP doesn't want to end it. there is no point in trying to start a fight if you want it to heal. if you want it to end, then just walk away and leave it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> i would agree with you if the OP wants to end it... but the OP doesn't want to end it. there is no point in trying to start a fight if you want it to heal. if you want it to end, then just walk away and leave it.


I may be mistaken, but I do not recall this kind of advice ever working in these situations. The hard advise given sounds counter productive but if anything will work it will. You have to know going into this, that if there is a real affair the odds are against saving the marriage. Of course when most people uncover an affair, they simply divorce. One statistic I hate and have no way of verifying is that only 1 out of 5 affairs are discovered by the betrayed spouse.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

chapparal said:


> I may be mistaken, but I do not recall this kind of advice ever working in these situations. The hard advise given sounds counter productive but if anything will work it will. You have to know going into this, that if there is a real affair the odds are against saving the marriage. Of course when most people uncover an affair, they simply divorce. One statistic I hate and have no way of verifying is that only 1 out of 5 affairs are discovered by the betrayed spouse.


but surely that has to be a decision made by the OP... i mean, if the OP decides that they don't want the relationship to continue because of the affair, that is their decision... but if they decide that they want to try and work things out, then that is how they should go about? or you disagree? 

i do not think there is any one-size-fits-all to relationships


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

But there is no proof of an affair yet. Let's just take that out of the situation for now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

> i would agree with you if the OP wants to end it... but the OP doesn't want to end it. there is no point in trying to start a fight if you want it to heal. if you want it to end, then just walk away and leave it.


You cannot force someone to love you. You cannot force someone to stay in your marriage. If you attempt to do this you will end up in an "open marriage" which will eventually dissolve itself.

Sometimes leaving a marriage and finding someone else who truly does love and care about you and your relationship is the only option.

Sometimes other people, outside of your world, can see what you cannot. I see that in this situation. If she cared about the relationship she is in and about the OP she would not have reacted the way that she did. Leaving someone and distancing yourself from an issue is not a normal, loving response.

OP has his own decision to make, regardless of what all of us at TAM think or say... However, we tell him what *we* see based on our own experiences and an outsider's view. 

I see a woman who is unable to care about her SO, who potentially (or likely already is) will be involved in a PA with an ex she never "fully got over." Perhaps OP was a rebound, and now that rebound is over as her ex is showing some interest in her again.

I see that because I was at one time that woman years ago.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

LML, there is no one that can decide for you what is best for you except you. That being said, your state of mind will influence greatly your decisions and that is where advice is sometimes helpful. If you are able, step back and look at the situation from outside for some clarity. In other words, imagine a close friend is in your situation and imagine, being honest with yourself, what advice you would give him/her. Your objectivity may be off at this moment due to your circumstances but if you look at it honestly I believe you'll see the obvious. Look at the facts and think about it rationally and with reason. Your heart may see something different than what your head sees but your heart sees with emotions. Your head is more logical and usually more accurate. Logic dictates that things (people) usually follow patterns. Look back and see the patterns your wife has followed and see if you can see a continuation of these patterns in this situation. If you can, then you must accept that this is her way and either accept it unconditionally, at whatever cost to you, or move on and let her destructive behavior destroy someone else while you look for happiness for the long term. I know you will say that she will change but again, if you look at it rationally, you will see that people changing is near impossible and certainly not probable. It does happen but it's rare and is usually precipitated by some type of catastrophic event in their lives. I know this is not what you want to hear but, in time, you will see that it is true as most of us here have. If you prefer to hold on to hope for now by all means do so but, if after reasonable time, you haven't seen the "change" your hoping for I would not waste too much more time pursuing a slim to no chance scenario. It will take it's toll on you. I wish you the best and hope this turns out in your favor. Hang in there, one way or another it will eventually resolve and you will look back on it having made it through.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I think the OP shouldn`t listen to a thing soundofsphere says.
> 
> This is madness, disregard everything this person has told you.


Any chance it is OP´wife?


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Thanks, I appreciate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> Any chance it is OP´wife?


Haha, I highly doubt that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you come up with a solid plan when you both talk next? How will you approach the issues?


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

I'm going to stay calm and reserve and try to not get into anything. I want to wait until things calm down and she's ready to talk. If she she comes home and still doesn't want to see me or talk than fine, she can go to the other side of the house, or a friends. But I'm not leaving my home again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Sorry I guess I didn't really answer that correctly. 
When we finally talk about this, I plan on not trying to change her mind. I want discuss what the next steps are and if she wants to save this marriage we have a lot of work to do. We need to set some guidelines and agree how we will handle all of this to make it work. 

If she is infact done, well then that's that, I've done all I can for her and I gave it my best in this marriage and will wish her well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Look at it not so much as guidline for the both of you, but as the boundries that you have that are the wall you are putting up to protect you from more emotional pain.

All the guild lines in the world can't be followed if she chooses not to, but you can let her know what she needs to do to help you get through this and repair this marraige then these boundries are yours and if she wants to respect them then you can repair this.

If she chooses to disresect your boundries and continue on her current path then you need to move on with out her for your own emotional health.

Its a damb shame that her kid has to watch man after man go through her moms life while at her grandma's house! What kind of relationshil do you and her daughter have?

Being her friend would be great but she is not being very friendly (friends stick by each other, especially married friends) right now distancing your self from her drama will protect you emotional.

I can only hope she sees that you are at your last straw and thinks twice. But I have a feeling she will assume she is dealing with the same old LML and you will always be around.

If she does bail, look up the 180 plan and distance your self. As hard as it is, the sooner you move on and go dark, the sooner you will heal. It will be tough as hell but you need to stay focused on working on your self for the next relationship......Only she can change the direction this marriage is heading right now!


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Great advice thanks. Ya, if she doesn't want to respect me or any boundaries and work on that then its over. 
Her daughter and I are close. I hate that she might have to go through something like this again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Is her bio dad in the picture?


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Yes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

She came home. We're both willing to work things out and both admitted we each have issues we need to deal with. So far so good.
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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

lostmylove said:


> She came home. We're both willing to work things out and both admitted we each have issues we need to deal with. So far so good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am happy for you.
Open, honest communication is the first step.

Good Luck and keep us posted. Everyone here loves happy endings.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

DanF said:


> I am happy for you.
> Open, honest communication is the first step.
> 
> Good Luck and keep us posted. Everyone here loves happy endings.


Thanks Dan, I'll keep you guys posted. We haven't really discussed anything yet. Just trying to let things settle down a bit first.
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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey sound of the sphere, or whatever----A mge., is completely OPEN---there is NO EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY---taking vows with each other means the 2 of you are an open book to each other about EVERYTHING

You want privacy---you don't get married----YOU STAY SINGLE

To the OP---this kind of crap should not be happening 6 months into a mge., ---The 2 of you should still be in that starry-eyed infatuated, there is no one else in the world, but the 2 of you, stage

For this to be happening now, you got a tuff future ahead of you

The 2 of you had better sit down and have some serious forced communications, about EVERYTHING, and you had better keep on talking---if fact, you need to set aside time EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, and talk to each other----if she refuses, or won't contribute, then there really is nothing you can do, but end this

You both can't be leaving and coming back and leaving and coming back, and she needs to go NC with her ex----have someone else, make sure he gets to see his child---your wife is to stay away from him, in all way, shape, and form-----or he will bring your mge., down, and you might as well go see an atty. right now, in re: D.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey sound of the sphere, or whatever----A mge., is completely OPEN---there is NO EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY---taking vows with each other means the 2 of you are an open book to each other about EVERYTHING
> 
> You want privacy---you don't get married----YOU STAY SINGLE
> 
> ...


You're absolutely right. I was just waiting to talk about all of this because she just got on medication for depression and anxiety. I thought it would be a good idea for things to cool down first so we could have a calm adult discussion.
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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

lostmylove said:


> You're absolutely right. I was just waiting to talk about all of this because she just got on medication for depression and anxiety. I thought it would be a good idea for things to cool down first so we could have a calm adult discussion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Don’t take this the wrong way. But you are saying your wife of 6 months, just got on medication for depression and anxiety? How long have you two been together? She has a child from a former marriage, you mentioned ‘young’, so she can’t be too far removed from that former relationship, and then you mention another ‘ex’ that was after the child’s Father. 

I’m figuring you guys haven’t been together that long. How long out of a relationship was she when you two got together? Was she still “technically” seeing someone else when you two got together?

First off I’d find out ASAP if her family has any history of mental or physical abuse, alcoholism, or mental illness. 

You’ve been married for SIX months. You guys should be plastered all over each other, having trouble getting up to work the next day from all the sex you’ve been having. Seriously.

Now if you really love her, and you are in this for the long haul, please keep this in mind:

You are obviously playing a part in raising that young girl. If you stick it out now, and then 5 years down the road you end up leaving, guess what? Now that little girl has been shown a history of men leaving. That’s never good, trust me there.

Coming from someone married for 16+ years…my wife struggled with depression and anxiety after the birth of our son. That WAS NOT PRETTY. She was put on meds. Guess what? Almost EVERY Anti-Depressant reduces sex drive. Until they get the meds and the dosage right, she will literally feel and act like she’s “just going through the motions.”

You will be faced with living with TWO different people. And odds are, only 6 months in, she probably was depressed and had this issue all along. One of the biggest signs of this is people jumping from relationship to relationship, simply hoping the “next one” is “the one” and her all her problems will disappear.

Me personally, I’d make her agree to counseling for HERSELF, and counseling for you as a couple. But you can’t really get ANYTHING done with the marriage counseling until she gets her own help.

Take it from me, there is nothing harder than coming home every day, and not knowing which person will be there when you get home. 

Good luck.

Whatever you do, don’t see a quick turnaround in her behavior and just chalk it up as no big deal.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

We've been together for about a year. She was done with the last relationship for 3 months before we started dating. And the ex is not the baby daddy by the way. 
She was on the same medication when she was in her last marriage, and that ended after a year. She was pegos when they married. And yes she does have some mental illness in her family as well as something else I'd rather not get into. I'm aware of the side effects of the medication, it's going to suck. 

I know this is going to be hard, but I took my vows seriously, so I'm not giving up just yet. I love her too much to do that and not try to help her out. It's too early to throw in the towel, at the same time it's way too early for anything like this to be going on. The whole situation sucks.
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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

lostmylove said:


> We've been together for about a year. She was done with the last relationship for 3 months before we started dating. And the ex is not the baby daddy by the way.
> She was on the same medication when she was in her last marriage, and that ended after a year. She was pegos when they married. And yes she does have some mental illness in her family as well as something else I'd rather not get into. I'm aware of the side effects of the medication, it's going to suck.
> 
> I know this is going to be hard, but I took my vows seriously, so I'm not giving up just yet. I love her too much to do that and not try to help her out. It's too early to throw in the towel, at the same time it's way too early for anything like this to be going on. The whole situation sucks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So I'm going to go out on a limb and say your wife or her family had some sexual abuse happen somewhere along the line. 

All I can say is get her to see a counselor. If she doesn't deal with it ALL NOW, it'll come back to bit you and her in the ass sooner or later. Even if she says "She's over it. It's no big deal." Don't believe it.

Anti-depressants are almost useless in some situations without counseling.

Good Luck. You'll need it unfortunately.

Taking Back the Reins


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Yes Id really like her to do that and I know it has affected her while life. I just hope she's willing to go.
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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

lostmylove said:


> I know this is going to be hard, but I took my vows seriously, so I'm not giving up just yet.


It's more a matter of how serious SHE was about those vows.

I'd think being involved with an ex and lying about it and cutting and running and blameshifting when confronting disqualifies her from "vow keeping".

Even when she returned she wasn't forthcoming about anything nor was she apologetic. You'd think if she was remorseful and willing to work it out the first words out of her mouth would have been "I'm so sorry.."

But she didn't say that. All she said was 'I agree we both have a lot of work to do to save this marriage'.

It's like staring at a pile of leaves on the lawn and saying 'we have a lot of leaves to rake' and then rather than picking up a rake, turning and walking inside the house.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Touché. Nothing I can really say to that, you're right.
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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Have an update for you all. 

We finally sat down and talked about everything this weekend. We both spoke calmly, cried, and she apologized. 
BUT... She refuses to quit talking to her ex and thinks there is nothing wrong with it. She says he understands her better then anyone and is helping her through her problems. I told her its completely innaprorate and she should stop. She told me she can talk to anyone she wants and if I don't like it I can divorce her. Im not ready to do that yet, I know it all sounds hopeless and I told her everything that any normal loving husband would about her speaking with him, but she just doesn't seem to think its wrong. I saw the text and know it was innocent advice but I also know that it can turn into something more if it already hasnt yet. I don't know why I'm posting on here, I know what you are all going to say already but lets hear it.
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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She needs counseling, it would help you too. Marriage counseling too. A counselor could better explain how damaging contact with an ex is.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Ya I definatly plan on getting us to go as soon as possible. I think that's the only way for her to see how wrong it is to be talking I him. I'm afraid though that she will be too hard headed and wont even care a professional is telling her it's wrong.
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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

lostmylove said:


> Ya I definatly plan on getting us to go as soon as possible. I think that's the only way for her to see how wrong it is to be talking I him. I'm afraid though that she will be too hard headed and wont even care a professional is telling her it's wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, go to counseling.
If she refuses to see that her actions hurt you and are damaging your marriage, then you may have to make a decision to either live a life of emotional pain and mistrust or move on.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

I just had a thought.... Do you think she is testing me? She obviously isn't respecting me by refusing to end any contact with him. I'm definatly doing more harm than good by not putting my foot down hard enough on this issue. I mean, I told her she needs to stop, and she said if I don't like it then divorce her. But maybe if I actually step up and lay down the law, no matter the consequences she will respect me and quit and realize what she is doing is wrong. I understand that isn't the reason WHY she started talking to him about problems, but now that she has done it, she knows she can walk all over me and continue to do so unless I man up. 

I don't know, just thinking out loud here and writing my thoughts down. I know it's clear what needs to be done, I'm just scared to do it right now and keep thinking I should wait forthe medication to get her more level headed. Definatly still need to see a counelor, I know that for sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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