# Scared about the chapter in my life



## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

I have been lurking here for a few weeks, didn't want to believe that I would actually post here, but here i am. Been married for 20 years, together for 22. 2 kids, DS-15, DS-12, they are the best thing that I have ever created :0 
Such a long story, but I will try to keep it short-just needing some support right now from people who are going through the same thing. I never thought in a million years that I would be this person posting on a divorce support site, thought I would just sail through with the life that we had created. 
Last July (2014) he left me for the third time in 10 years. His reasons were that I had no self esteem, didn't give him enough affection, it was a different reason every time. The first two times he left, I cried and begged him to come back...it eventually worked, but didn't make the marriage better. The last time he left in July 2014, I knew I couldn't beg anymore. He told me that I needed to change, I sought IC and finally got back my mojo that I had in my younger years. I finally started feeling good about myself again, I lost 30 pound (one good thing about stress), talking to friends and feeling good about myself. I met a younger man, slept with him-have to be honest, it really was just sex (my husband had been out of the house for three months). Two months later, my husband and I started to talk and work things out, of course that meant that we 
had sex. A couple of weeks later, the younger man texted me and said that a girl that he had been with had an STD! WTF I am a retired Navy Nurse and should know better than to sleep with a man that I don't even know without protection- things are much different than they were 20+ years ago. Sure enough, I was positive, of course I had to tell my husband and things went crazy from there. He insisted on telling my family, every one of our friends and everyone who was in the wedding party 20 years ago. I don't think that worked out too well for him, because I learned that he had been on Match.com (as divorced) and hooking up with girls at various concerts. I am very lucky in that my family and friends (as well as my IC) pretty much said "Yeah, not your best choice, but your were separated and he was pursuing other women as well" 
My husband decided he wanted a divorce, I concurred. Two months later he decided that he really didn't want to divorce, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he would never find anyone like me...etc. I gave in and tried to reconcile. 
I don't know if anyone is reading past this point...a little longer than I thought. Fast forward, he moved back into our home in Feb 2015, things were going great, I was in heaven because I thought I had the man that I married so many years ago. In May, his uncle died and my husband was devastated because he was so close to his uncle, I was very close to him as well. He was a bachelor and he ended up leaving everything to my husband, me and our children (all outlined in his trust). My husband and I flew down to AZ to take care of the estate. Apparently I didn't do enough to help my H- we went out to dinner had some drinks, I brought up the fact that he had left me 3 times (apparently still a sore spot for me) and everything went to hell after that. We came home from AZ, he would barely talk to me, started calling me a *****, said he couldn't trust me-I should have been there for him in AZ. It has been a sh&t show since then. We have decided to divorce, he still texts me almost every day to tell me how he can't trust me and what a horrible person I am. I am trying to respect that he is grieving over his uncle dying, I know I messed up when we were separated, but I don't feel like I deserve this abuse. I was an officer in the Navy for 20 years- why do I put up with this. 
Sorry, this is so long.....Believe me it could have been longer :0


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You have had a long and unhappy time of it. I'd think you feel exhausted.
In the last part of your recounting in Arizona there were a couple of "apparently" that perplexed me.

First you wrote you apparently didn't do enough to help your husband. Were there specific things he brought up or did he say generally you weren't helping him enough? Or are there things you feel you should have done but didn't?

More perplexing is the mentioning that he left you three times over drinks and dinner was "apparently still a sore spot..." Apparently? You don't know if it is or not? And the drinks loosened your inhibitions so you brought this up? And before that all was smooth and happy but these two items blew it all up?

I'd say you two were on very thin ice if all since has happened from your comment at dinner. 

But that ice has been broken and now you are facing this new chapter in your life. You seem certain things are over. This forum is a good place to unload when you feel the need.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think your husband feels entitled and has not taken responsibility for the state of your marriage at all. He left you three times put all the blame on you, still when you take him back he has more issues as to why you are the problem and he isn't. You could use the same line to say you cannot trust him that he wont walk out again, that's his usual way of dealing with problems in the marriage!
You rushed into the R and got involved (sexually) with someone else, there is just too much going on ( a mess) to sort yourselves out as individuals first before trying again.

If you take the same two people, no changes made, more stuff (other liaisons) added to the mix how you can expect a better outcome when neither of you did anything about the people you where before, it is just asking for trouble.

Best to probably separate, work on yourselves as individuals, don't get into other relationships yet and see how you feel. Anyway it looks like he is forcing your hand to divorce, but based on past experience, he is likely to change his mind....again. 
Don't rush into anything, just look after yourself (let him decide what he wants), you start doing the 180 for yourself and get yourself some IC for starters. Decide what you want.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Now why is he making all the decisions in this relationship? He gets to be angry, he decides to move out, he decides to reconcile? Speak up woman, what do you want.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

First, stop blaming yourself. It takes two to tango. You both equally at fault, so call it even. I understand, death of a loved one is hard to handle, but at the end of the day, life must go on. First, ask yourself a question, what do you want to do? This answer might determine you future actions.


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

I had dinner with my best friend of (I am aging myself here LOL) 37 years. She looked me in the eyes and said "OMG- if I were sitting here telling you the same story you are telling me about what you have been going through- what would you say to me". She has always been a truth in my life and made me realize that I deserve to be treated better than what I have endured for many years. I am a strong woman when it comes to a career- it is easy to hide behind that. I now realize that after I retired from the military, I lost my identity. And I wonder if my husband lost his interest in me because I wasn't someone of importance anymore. He has always portrayed himself as a very confident person, can always make friends with anyone and loves to flirt with women. That always made me insecure even though men were always making advances towards me. I am totally rambling right now, I realize that-there are just so many thoughts going through my mind. I know I can never go back to the marriage I had. In someways I am looking forward to having a life of my own, but at the same time I am terrified. I am so good at hiding my feelings, so my family and friends think I will be fine- actually better than ever. They are encouraging me to be done with the marriage, they say they have seen the signs for so many years. Just so hard to let go of 20+ years with a man that you have built your life around.


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

Pluto2 and life_huppens- you are exactly right, it is time that I finally figure out what I want. I am sure that I will never be called a ***** again. I know I made a bad decision, but I won't let that decision define me. Unfortunately, my H is making that definition of me . He even wants to tell our children about my indescretions. I am wavering right now between telling them myself or waiting until it slips from my H.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Start by rebuilding your own life and mental health. He is an obstacle of you getting your life together.

He abandons you time and time again, and then he hooks you time and time again. He keeps you in a perpetual cycle. He leaves you, then promises things will get better and they do for a while because you and him are in the honeymoon phase where the two of you are motivated to work with one another, communicate, and be very loving. The problem is when that ends, people's base personality and dysfunction shows.

The good him that you love is only a temporary him that is hormonally drugged to do what he can to get that love fix. Over time , that wears off and he becomes less motivated to work on the relationship, and you get the real him.

So, you cannot trust the man that is promising you change. He has shown that he is not capable of it.

In the mean time, you need to escape the circle of drama to clear your head. When he tries hooking you again, remember, it is only restarting the cycle again.


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

Thank you Mr Fisty, I am crying as I am writing this, you have told me what so many people in my my life have told me over and over again. I have been able to look at the cycle, especially over the the last ten years. He would leave me, I would beg him to come back, he would and life was good-for awhile and then the cycle would start again. My family saw it, my friends saw it, but would always support me becasue they thought that was what I wanted. I thought that was what I wanted. It is so hard to let go of 20 years of marriage. I know I need to let go, it is just so hard. Intellectually, i know I will be fine, it just hard letting my heart know the same.


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

Mr Fisty, you are very wise and without even knowing me or my husband- you have explained the last ten years of my marriage in a nutshell. Thank you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Love does take time to fade. The good times were the periods of re-bonding and that was the him that made you love him. As you are letting go, that is the him you will mostly keep in mind for a while.

Let your friends and family be your emotional support for a time.

The more you work on you and change in a healthy manner, you will be able to see and have a more clear perspective on this.

Since you do have an attachment to him, there is a drive to stay bonded, and the downside of love is that sometimes it does not care about the quality of the person we are with.

What helps is doing activities that bring on positive changes in your life. Working out, exploring new places, things, and activities, are some ways of bringing fulfillment to your life.

Also, seeking help to figure out why you stayed with him can help you avoid this type of situation again. Not to mention the improvement of your mental health.

It may hurt right now by letting go, but it will finally allow you to start the healing process.


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

I feel like I am doing my best to let go. To be honest, I think it was a relief when he finally said he wanted to divorce. The hardest thing to deal with is the constant texts telling me everything I have done wrong- how he can't trust me anymore, I did it dirty with someone else...on and on. I don't know if it is good to respond to him, but it really doesn't do any good if I do because he just turns it around on me in the end so I just ignore those texts now. I totally understand that he has his version of the story and I have my version of the story, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. That is what our MC has told us, I completely understand that and was willing to keep working through our issues, in a matter of days he totally changed his attitude and decided that I was completely untrustworthy. I never did anything during our 20 years of marriage to make me untrustworthy. I did sleep with another man after my husband left me for the third time, had removed his wedding ring (and somehow lost it?), joined Match.com as divorced and hooked up with several women while we were separated. I had gained so much of my self confidence back during the last separation, I don't want to lose that. I am scared of being alone. Everyone tells me that I am such a great catch that I won't be alone for long. Until I feel like I am a great catch- I'm not. I know am rambling, just feel that I have said the same thing over and over again to my friends, they can only take so much and get tired of the same old story. My brain tells me that I am ready to move on, just waiting for my heart to catch up.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I know those texts are hard to ignore but at least do try not to respond to them. I think that just plays his game. He sounds very like someone who enjoys the sense of having control over you. We are all cheering you on here, knowing you can break out of that destructive game. It's a storm that you have to ride out and you will.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

MoUnit said:


> I feel like I am doing my best to let go. To be honest, I think it was a relief when he finally said he wanted to divorce. The hardest thing to deal with is the constant texts telling me everything I have done wrong- how he can't trust me anymore, I did it dirty with someone else...on and on. I don't know if it is good to respond to him, but it really doesn't do any good if I do because he just turns it around on me in the end so I just ignore those texts now. I totally understand that he has his version of the story and I have my version of the story, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. That is what our MC has told us, I completely understand that and was willing to keep working through our issues, in a matter of days he totally changed his attitude and decided that I was completely untrustworthy. I never did anything during our 20 years of marriage to make me untrustworthy. I did sleep with another man after my husband left me for the third time, had removed his wedding ring (and somehow lost it?), joined Match.com as divorced and hooked up with several women while we were separated. I had gained so much of my self confidence back during the last separation, I don't want to lose that. I am scared of being alone. Everyone tells me that I am such a great catch that I won't be alone for long. Until I feel like I am a great catch- I'm not. I know am rambling, just feel that I have said the same thing over and over again to my friends, they can only take so much and get tired of the same old story. My brain tells me that I am ready to move on, just waiting for my heart to catch up.




Sounds like what he is doing is defensive projection. Try looking up narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. It can be a combination of the two as well. It can help you make sense of your dilemma.

Also, look up methods of dealing with someone with bpd or npd if a lot of those traits apply to him.

As hard as it is not to engage. We want to have our emotions validated by others. You want him to know his part in the demise of the relationship and how you feel. He sounds like he cannot empathize with you, and you need to own your own emotions.

Look up on ways of detaching as well.

Love is a drive that will motivate you to get a fix, and he is highly associated with that drive. As dysfunctional as he is, your attachment to him is nudging you to keep in contact, work things out. Think of it as an addiction, and deal with it in the same manner. The more you live your life, and the less you keep in contact, the faster your attachment to him will fade. But it is a process. Message me if you like, or keep posting here to vent to get your thoughts down.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your pattern is to R. Think about what you'll do if he decides today or next week or next month that's what he wants. Ending a long marriage is not easy but it can be done and life on the other side can be great (mine was 45 years so I speak from experience).


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

Interesting that NPD has been brought up, my IC has mentioned that as well. To be honest I have looked into that that long ago, and agree that there may be some issues there. I know that I have issues as well, so I am not so quick to blame it on others. Marriage is a two way street, I am willing to admit my faults; I just wish he would admit his faults as well. My IC asked me what I thought a good marriage would be. It took me a long time to really have a good conception of what a good marriage is. Please help me here, but this is what I think a healthy marriage consists of: love, humility, laughter, forgiveness, acceptance, friendship, trust... I may be missing something, but that is what I see in a healthy relationship. Oh yeah, maybe one more thing- sexual companionship  
OMG, as i am writing this, he is texting me, reminding me that I did not have his back on a parenting issue. Seems I can do nothing right in his eyes and he wants to remind me of it every chance he can get. WFT!!!! UGG. I am totally seeing it through a different pair of eyes. I
still want to be that person who looks at the story from two sides, because I do realize that there are always two sides to a story and the truth is usually half way in between. Am I trying to be too rational? I feel like I am losing my mind!!


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

Yes, I am prepared for him to change his mind. He totally shocked me last time when he was willing to forgive me of all my faults. My friends and family have told me the same thing- "be ready J, he is going to come crawling back because he know he will never find anyone like you..." I am prepared this time, I will never let myself be treated or talked to the way that he has done to me. I am almost nauseated when I am sitting at our children's sporting events and he is spouting off comments and trying to make himself look so good and funny. 
OMG- just got another text from him asking me about my thoughts on his opinion that I took sides with my son on a parenting issue. That is one of his reasons to divorce me, because he can't trust me.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Kinda hard to work on a relationship when one person is not aware of their own issues and their need to work on them.

Going back to him will only have the same results. You know the type of person you will be returning to if you do go back.

Rarely is the issues 50/50 though. Someone will always bring more dysfunction into the relationship than the other person. You have a better probability of committing to change than your husband. You are more capable of acknowledging your part .

Let me ask you a question though. He seems like he was dysfunctional before he met you, but how mentally healthy were you before you met him? Did his actions affect your self worth? Did he cause you to become dysfunctional or more dysfunctional than the norm.

An example would be emotional abuse. Someone can start with high levels of self-esteem, but staying with an abusive partner over time, their self worth suffers, but it is so incremental that they do not notice the change within themselves. As you know, love makes it difficult to leave someone, even if that person is the one who is hurting you. The deeper you love, the more suffering you tend to take from that love one.

When I suggest you detach, it is to help you find his behavior less acceptable. The more you are detached, the less you have a need to return to him. Think about it this way, you would accept less crap from an acquaintance than you will accept from a best friend. If an argument occurs between an acquaintance and your best friend, there is a higher probability that you will make up with your friend. There is a lot more emotional investment and bond in that relationship.


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

Once again Mr Fisty, you are exactly right. When I met him I had put myself through college, I had joined the Navy on a scholarship and was was living the life in San Diego as a 23 year old woman. I met him, and he made me feel like I was the most incredible person ever. Slowly, he did break me down, made me question my self worth, made inappropriate friendships with other women and the cycle starts over and over again. Just today, I was talking to a mother of one of my son's teammates. She has known us for awhile, but went on and on about how friendly and funny my husband is. It seems like he has this ability to suck people in. I realize i was one of them at one time. He is very charming, funny and loving. But I am finally starting to realize that I shouldn't focus on him, I need to be the one that I focus on. I am sure that I am moving forward to divorce. Unfortunately, I make twice as much as he does and he has made it clear that he is going for my retirement pay. I know technically he is entitled to half, which I am sure he is going for. He has had a civil service job everyplace we have been stationed, he had every opportunity to make himself better throughout the years. Yes, he did support me and my career while I was in the Navy, but it was not like he ever suffered being the husband of an officer. I think he had a pretty good freakin' life. 
I am ready to move on at this point, I also realize that he is not going to make this easy. I feel like he thinks that I am going to come crawling back like i always have. It is not going to happen this time. I am ready to move on. How do I make him realize that I am DONE???


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MoUnit said:


> I had dinner with my best friend of (I am aging myself here LOL) 37 years. She looked me in the eyes and said "OMG- if I were sitting here telling you the same story you are telling me about what you have been going through- what would you say to me". She has always been a truth in my life and made me realize that I deserve to be treated better than what I have endured for many years. I am a strong woman when it comes to a career- it is easy to hide behind that. I now realize that after I retired from the military, I lost my identity. And I wonder if my husband lost his interest in me because I wasn't someone of importance anymore. He has always portrayed himself as a very confident person, can always make friends with anyone and loves to flirt with women. That always made me insecure even though men were always making advances towards me. I am totally rambling right now, I realize that-there are just so many thoughts going through my mind. I know I can never go back to the marriage I had. In someways I am looking forward to having a life of my own, but at the same time I am terrified. I am so good at hiding my feelings, so my family and friends think I will be fine- actually better than ever. They are encouraging me to be done with the marriage, they say they have seen the signs for so many years. Just so hard to let go of 20+ years with a man that you have built your life around.



you may not lose the marriage if you BOTH fix yourselves first. You would need to start afresh and build a new relationship. You do that for yourself and see where it takes you, forget about your H for a while.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Odds are, you cannot convince him. Your best bet is to file and avoid contact as much as you can. While doing this, work on you and learn to love yourself and learn to accept that everything is not fixable.

I consider narcissist emotional black holes. You keep feeding it and hoping for something in return, but in the end, you are the one who is drained.

Your goal now is to work on you and undo some of the damage he has done to your self-worth.

Do not worry about him, he will draw another in and do the same to another person. But you will have to weather the storm for a while. Either his ego will not accept it at first and he may continue his verbal abuse and threats, or he will try charming you back into his gravity, where he will continue to influence you.

Unfortunately, a lot of people find it hard to escape people like him. As you well know, love motivates us to seek the people that fulfills that drive. As he was drawing away from you, you had the strong urge to come running after him, to please him and make things work with him. The pain he caused you was not in your fore thoughts as you tried convincing him to work things out.

It helps feed into his ego that it was really you that is in the wrong. People like him need the control over others for their own insecurities. Hence, he projects his faults at you, he tears you down, and he makes himself seem shiny.

Keep your friends and family around for emotional support. As your working through your love addiction for him, you will need their help on staying the course. Until you detach sufficiently,you will feel a pull towards him.

High probability of him finding another person to take your place. In the mean time, he will keep tearing you down until, trying to convince you that you are beneath him and should be begging for his return. He is not looking for someone to love, rather someone he can strip away their self worth so he can deal with his own dysfunction.

Also, learn about boundaries. A useful tool to notice red flags and how not to let someone push them. The old you would not have let your husband treat you the way he is treating you now. If he would showed his truer self, you would have ran for the hills. The charmer is just a tool he uses to draw people in.


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

Part of me feels like I am doing really well, ignoring his antagonizing texts. He pretty much tells me daily that he can't trust me and that I ****** dirty. He reminds me over and over again of the things that I have done wrong. I am doing really good at not responding to those texts. Believe me it is hard! I want to fire back at him that he did the same things, I unfortunately made a very back decision to have unprotected sex. I get that, I own that- but I am not going to let that define me. He had been lying to me and had been in touch with other women well before that ever happened. I am not sure that he actually had sex, but honestly at this point it doesn't matter to me. I am ready to move on. 
I know that emotionally, I will be ok. I am more worried about the technicalities of the divorce. He seems to be making all the decisions, and I guess part of me is scared to "poke the bear" because I make twice as much as him and I am scared that he will take me to the cleaners. He has already indicated that he is going for my military retirement pension. I do realize that he is entitled to a portion of it, but I at this point I am paying all of the bills including a large mortgage. I am seeking legal advice, so hopefully that will help me in the long run. He seems to think that we can settle our divorce under $500 if we just do it online. I feel sneaky, going to a lawyer, but I need to protect myself and the kids. I mentioned that to him and he told me that i was irrational and needed to seek professional help. Most of the time, I do have my head about me, I realize what he is doing- but it is still so hard to deal with this. A month ago, we were seemingly happy and reconciling. I just don't understand how someone can change their feelings and emotions almost overnight. It doesn't seem right.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Yes, do seek a lawyer. He does not have your best interest at heart. He is using threats to try and control you. As hard as it is to give up half of your retirement, it will be more beneficial to get rid of him instead. You can start recouping your losses and work towards your financial stability without him being a hindrance.

Good job in not engaging. That is what he wants from you, to get a reaction so he feels like he has not lost control. You are not dealing with someone who is mentally healthy and keep that in mind.

Everything he is doing, saying, is a way of trying to get under your skin so you react to him. What he is doing is more about his ego than anything else. He copes with his insecurity by tearing you down.

Remember the strong, independent person you were and are becoming again. The faster you can separate, the better it is for your self worth. Minimize him, and make him not that important. See him as the immature person he is, throwing fits and going into tantrums like a little child that does not get his way.

See him as he really is, not the veneer that he shows the world. What he projects to others is an illusion to protect himself and that you know that the illusion you love was never there, but nonetheless, it was real for you.

You have to learn to see him separate from the false him and associate the real him as that of a dysfunctional person.


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