# Kids Complaining About Ex-Wife



## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

So there have been a couple occasions where the kids have complained to me about their mom / my ex. It hasn't generally been anything serious but things like, "I hate watching movies with mom because she'll be on her phone during the beginning and then asking questions for the rest of it." or one of the kids complaining about being punished for something the other did.

I _think_ I kept a straight face and I didn't explore the movie complaint but in my head I was shouting "OMG YES". Part of me wants to discourage the complaining and part of me was irritated about the same things and wants to validate their feelings (especially the movie thing). What do you think the best way of approaching a situation like this is?

For context, we have a good co-parenting relationship and were never adversarial before, during, or after the divorce. The kids more or less split the time between the households 50/50.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

They probably complain about you too to their mom?


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

marcy* said:


> They probably complain about you too to their mom?


It is certainly possible. Their answer to my question of, "Do you talk trash about me when you are at your mom's like you do her when you're here?" was answered with "no". They could have lied or stretched the truth.

I think there is a bit more bad feelings directed towards her and more sympathy towards me since she was the one that wanted out which makes it less likely.

I also think they've been more comfortable with me from an early age. For instance, when they were curious about things like whether their mom breastfed, why she doesn't have milk anymore, and why boys didn't lactate, they asked me and seemed to pick a time when she wasn't even there. I'm pretty sure that if they had an opinion about a behavior of mine they'd at least hint. They are (young) teenage girls so this might be in flux _right now_.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Hiner112 said:


> It is certainly possible. Their answer to my question of, "Do you talk trash about me when you are at your mom's like you do her when you're here?" was answered with "no". They could have lied or stretched the truth.
> 
> I think there is a bit more bad feelings directed towards her and more sympathy towards me since she was the one that wanted out which makes it less likely.
> 
> I also think they've been more comfortable with me from an early age. For instance, when they were curious about things like whether their mom breastfed, why she doesn't have milk anymore, and why boys didn't lactate, they asked me and seemed to pick a time when she wasn't even there. I'm pretty sure that if they had an opinion about a behavior of mine they'd at least hint. They are (young) teenage girls so this might be in flux _right now_.


My kids will always chose me over my husband because pretty much I do everything for them. Sometimes I ask them what they think about me, if they have any complains. Normally, they will never say anything to me, but I would not be suprised if they do, when I ask them, and of course they found something to complain about me. I don’t remember now what it was, but they did. They didn’t want to say it at first, but I pushed them.😆


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Don't you be complaining about her, and you really should just calmly tell them to respect their mother and not be the person they feel they can trash mommy with. The movie thing is pretty innocuous, probably normal kid drivel, but if they get too disrespectful with it, you'll need to put a stop to it. And please realize they're complaining about you to her as well.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Do not _ever_ bad-mouth their mom to/with them.



Hiner112 said:


> What do you think the best way of approaching a situation like this is?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

How old are your kids? If they are old enough to make their own decisions on both of your actions, let them be. They are smarter than you think and will see the truth for what it is without any ‘guidance’. I think you asking them what they talk about with mom (do you trash talk me with mommy) is a mistake.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> And please realize they're complaining about you to her as well.


Very presumptive of you and absolutely may not be true at all.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Hiner112 said:


> What do you think the best way of approaching a situation like this is?


I would let them vent, even help them feel safe doing so. That can be done without speaking badly about their mother.

I would seek to make the feel heard. Validate that what they feel is what they feel. That doesn’t require taking sides, or becoming a wedge between them and their mother.

Maybe something like the following, depending on what they are up against:

“Sounds frustrating, hon. How does it make you feel when that happens?”

“I’m sorry you had that experience.”

“Have you thought about telling her how it made you feel?”

“Why do you think she does that?”

“I’ve found that in life, sometimes people don’t behave in the way I would want them to. Sometimes that hurts. Sometimes that disappoints me. I’ve had to learn that I’m ok, that I’m good enough, and deserve to be happy, and am going to find a way to be happy, even when someone is doing (or not doing) something, making it all challenging. I can’t change how they are behaving. But, I can affect how it makes me feel about myself.”



And, if it seems mom’s behavior or anything else weighs heavily on one of them: “I love you more than you can know. It seems like something is really bothering you, and maybe me being your dad, I’m not the best one for you to feel comfortable talking to about it. But, I strongly suspect if you could talk to someone who knows about these kinds of things, someone you can trust and respect, you might feel a lot better, or at least a lot less alone. Would you be open to trying it?” And then search for a good therapist via search tool at psychologytoday.com

YMMV, especially on that last one, but I’ve seen it help a great deal.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> How old are your kids? If they are old enough to make their own decisions on both of your actions, let them be. They are smarter than you think and will see the truth for what it is without any ‘guidance’. I think you asking them what they talk about with mom (do you trash talk me with mommy) is a mistake.


The kids are freshman high school and 7th grade. I was torn between a "You probably shouldn't talk about your mom like that" and "yeah, that's annoying". I've kind of decided to go with a more neutral "Seeking conflict at those times is probably not going to end well." My youngest knows and is going to seek that conflict anyway (and stay mad about whatever it is roughly until the end of time).

edit: Asking them about complaining about me was an attempt to subtly get at any outstanding issues they had with me. The attempt was clumsy but it seemed situation appropriate at the time.



PieceOfSky said:


> I would let them vent, even help them feel safe doing so. That can be done without speaking badly about their mother.
> 
> I would seek to make the feel heard. Validate that what they feel is what they feel. That doesn’t require taking sides, or becoming a wedge between them and their mother.
> 
> ...


Those are some good suggestions, thanks. Their mother and I have talked about getting them a counselor. It probably would have been better if we had done that when we were going through the initial separation two years ago but we can do that now. The first place that we talked to was booked up so we'll have to keep looking.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How good is your relationship with your ex? 
A complaint about neglect we confront each other straight away in private and find solutions. We have a consistent united front, except for jokes. 

I played both my divorced parents against each other for fools when I was a kid to get what I wanted.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> How good is your relationship with your ex?
> A complaint about neglect we confront each other straight away in private and find solutions. We have a consistent united front, except for jokes.
> 
> I played both my divorced parents against each other for fools when I was a kid to get what I wanted.


As for the relationship with the ex, we have a pretty good relationship. Examples: when she couldn't find anyone else to go to the beach with her and the kids, she asked me. Often when I have a long workday and am picking up the kids she'll have something there for me to eat. We talk basically every other day about appointments, logistics, and stuff like that.

My kids would find it very difficult to "play us against each other". Each parent does have their own roles or typical activities. If they want to go on a trip they would talk to their mom. If they want to geek out about Super heroes or build something at home or go to the tank museum on flamethrower day, they would talk to me. If they want to go out to eat, mom. If they want to make something at home, me. They are probably getting getting to do more of the things that they want to do but it is more the logistics of convincing one adult at a time instead of two than playing us against each other.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Seems like you two are approaching it properly, I would be following DownTheRiver's approach if thats the case. My daughter is a little angel but she sure as hell tried.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

what your kids said about watching movies with their mom, is really nothing malicious. I can imagine them complaining about that directly to their mom. Is one of her quirks


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

My son tells me stuff that happens at his Dad's house. I WANT to know and I think it's important that they always be free to share everything with me. But as you said, if a kid says something negative about your XW, that is a complaint, and is not his parent being abusive, you might want to gently remind them that that is their parent and while you will always listen to whatever they want to say, trashing their parent isn't kind or fair. I think if you shut them down completely and something untoward were to ever happen at their mother's house (I'm not saying at her hands, but while they were staying there), they might not share with you next time if you tell them off for telling you minor stuff this time.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Just listen to them. Us dads are quick to want to fix things, but sometimes just listening is all our kids really want from us. I have a 13 year old daughter and it's taken me this long to realize that.


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