# Want your opinion please



## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

I usually post under general discussion but wanted your opinions on my thoughts right now?

For those that don’t know, just briefly, I have been with H 11 yrs been married 5, no kids, always a good solid couple loved each other so much, had real good fun together for 10 of those years. 

Dec 2011 he started to suffer stress at work, slowly unknowingly got depressed, never suffered it before. Started being distant and aggressive toward me all through 2012. Found out he was having an affair Oct 2012. Wouldn’t stop the affair, said he was confused, and doesn’t know what he wants. He’s not sure our marriage is over at all, still loves me, blah, blah, blah. Says he is going to move out shortly, to soul search and to think about what he could be losing. I have been and am devastated and have been thinking about it all the time, 24/7 since October, but coping.

However, the past couple of days I am having trouble looking at him. I think to myself how dare you sit there and make polite conversation with me knowing you are having an affair with another woman. I have given him too much of his own way and have to be honest made it easy for him over the past months. I blamed the depression on everything, but now I know it’s not an excuse.

I have asked him to take me out of the equation when he leaves and then he doesn’t have to think about me when he’s gone, he can then think about the O/W only. I have mentioned this a few times and each time I get the same reaction. He cries and cries!! I know he is hedging his bets and fence sitting and I have been allowing that.

I now feel I want to tell him that he can forget about me when he leaves, because I am going to be getting on with it and that I need a life for myself. If he is unable to make a decision, then I can’t wait any more, I have been more than generous. It pains me to even write this, but it’s obvious he sadly sees me as a pushover and I need to make a stand and not be walked over any longer. 

I am in pain anyway and have been for 4 months, so what’s the difference, so perhaps it’s about time I take over the power and control. What do you think his reaction may be?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Jax67 said:


> I am in pain anyway and have been for 4 months, so what’s the difference, so perhaps it’s about time I take over the power and control. What do you think his reaction may be?


Here's the thing. You have to get to a point where you don't care what his "reaction will be". I know that sounds hard and I'm sorry to tell you this, but at some point you really do need to look at your own pain and your own willingness to look out for yourself and your future. He apparently will not do this for you, so you must do this for yourself.

Others here will offer great advise. Always remember that you are important and your needs are important and if he will not fill those needs, you may have to move forward in your life without him. You are worthy of much better than this.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

I suggest you not worry about his reaction and focus on what YOU need. I may be wrong, but if feels like you are trying to force his hand and call his bluff. Me or her! I think you need to evaluate of you want this man back in your life and if you can ever have faith in what you shared. Please examine your needs and wants and not his. Don't try and anticipate his reactions. If he can live out on his own for 4 months, what does that say? How committed or loving is he? Why would you allow someone to make you 2nd fiddle? I wish you luck and hope self reflection sheds some light!!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You discovered the affair?
Or did his conscience compel him to confess?

It makes a difference.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Here's the thing. You have to get to a point where you don't care what his "reaction will be". I know that sounds hard and I'm sorry to tell you this, but at some point you really do need to look at your own pain and your own willingness to look out for yourself and your future. He apparently will not do this for you, so you must do this for yourself.
> 
> Others here will offer great advise. Always remember that you are important and your needs are important and if he will not fill those needs, you may have to move forward in your life without him. You are worthy of much better than this.


*S'wife*: I really don't think that anyone here could have come anywhere near as close as putting it any better than you did!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Out him to friends and family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

Thanks guys,

If I am really honest, i've seen nothing from him so far at all, since October finding out, apart from him saying he doesn't know If our marriage is over at all and that he still loves me maybe 4 times. I just can't help want some reaction, but perhaps that's the way it is.

I am finally seeing how bad this has all been and really is quite terrible. I tried to turn it around and think what he would have done if it was me that had the affair and he would have hit the roof and left for sure!! 

I sit here and think what the hell am I waiting for? I am an attractive woman, with plenty personalilty and I am genuine (don't mean to blow my own trumpet). I like to have fun and I like to laugh, if I can remember how to do it - I will!

You know, I sleep by myself (I feel like i am a teenager sometimes), I have no relationship, I've no-one to share my everyday stuff with and I miss that. I'm done with this. I don't want to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself,it is just what I am now thinking about right now very seriously and I don't want it no more.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Look the simple end result is this.. 

You want him back ? You need to kick him out.

You sick and tired of his excuses ? You need to kick him out.

Nothing else is going to work... Period..

Why do I know this ? Because I *FAILED *to do this and lost my wife and kids.. That simple.. 

Now the only possible hope is that 12 months from now my wife *might* want to fix things. But after the douche.bag she was too me how the fu.ck can I ever take her back. 

Trust me you don't want to be in that position. Because even thinking about it makes me feel like I'm a weak di.ck. and a sap.. 

Lets say I take her back because of the kids and after going to therapy for 12 to 24 months, she decides 3 to 5 years later, you know I don't love you.. I was wrong.. Here is my new boyfriend charlie.. 

How big of di.ck will I be coming back here crying again.. 

Do you see how much your mind can mess with you ? My wife didn't even sign the papers yet. Though I know she is.. But I'm already formulating scenarios years from now.. 

Again don't be me.. 

Kick him the FU.CK OUT and when he decides on you make him wait and live in that apartment he is in while you go to therapy with him.. 

Don't bring him back in for MONTHS.. Let him know at any point during therapy you can walk away and he will be out in the cold. This way he knows your not messing around either. Its a serious bit.ch slap to his ego. He will always remember that you were no joke and it will make him think twice the next time. 

Of course hopefully there will be no next time.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Out him to friends and family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This too..


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

He will never see what he's losing until he is losing it. You will have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to get your husband back...if he comes back. I think because he is cake eating right now he isnt seeing that. He doesnt think you will leave or do anything other then allow him to cake eat.

Take a stand for what you believe!! Google free divorce forms in whatever state you are in...fill them out and then leave them laying on the table where he will find them. He wont know that you didnt get them from your lawyer.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

You discovered the affair?
Or did his conscience compel him to confess?"

"It makes a difference."

Your comment Walkonmars[/B]

Yes, I had my suspicions and he was going on business meetings on a Friday up north and coming back on a Saturday afternoon, it was about once a month. On three occasions he said he was going out with work buddies and never came home all night. Wouldn't take my calls (what an idiot I am!!)

Had to snoop, went into his work bag and found what I was looking for. A spare mobile phone, he didn't even put as pass code on. Found 4 texts to her from him. When he came home I confronted him and he said, I would have told you eventually.

Why does it make a difference WOM?


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I haven't been on the forum long, but find myself logged in for hours daily since I joined. I don't know how I have the time for it all!
It crushes me when I read about others going through this. 
It's so easy to give advice to others, but hard when you have to do it. You have a forum full of advice. I've been following it so my DH and I can reconcile. It's been tough, but I feel better about me. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Tell him you are no longer his plan B option. If he had to take a minute to decide then this a minute too long. If your 11 years together mean that little to him, then you need to find your self respect and tell him to GTFO. He has no respect for you, and will continue to enjoy his cake as long as you let him.

Time to do the 180, to protect yourself.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jax,

Why is he still in the home at this point, especially if he is making plans to leave?

Since he stepped outside of the marriage, he should leave. Let him stay with a friend or family member or his new love interest. Don't give him ample time to feather their love nest. Show him the consequences of his actions!


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

If a person wants to be a part of your life, they will make an obvious effort to do so. Think twice before reserving a space in your heart for people who do no make an effort to stay.

stole it, but seemed fitting here.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

Jax67 said:


> Thanks guys,
> 
> If I am really honest, i've seen nothing from him so far at all, since October finding out, apart from him saying he doesn't know If our marriage is over at all and that he still loves me maybe 4 times. I just can't help want some reaction, but perhaps that's the way it is.
> 
> ...


You are being tortured by an unfeeling man who seems to be keeping you on a leash while he decides what HE WANTS, and you are gradually starting to hate him. Sometimes a I wonder if the WS is cruel to their S as a way to get the S to make the decision to leave so they than can see how they feel.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It makes a dIfference because If the affaIr wIth over he would have confessed. and you would have a chance at real reconciliation. But since you discovered it, whatever he says it's just face saving chatter.

The affair is probably on hold at best. Tell him To leave until you gather your Thoughts.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Knock him off the fence.
Kick him out, ASAP
Talk to a lawyer yesterday AND FILE, go to the yugular. Divorce takes time, maybe he snaps back into reality and fight for you (maybe too little too late).
Expose to those who's respect he craves.
Find out about OW and expose her too, shame her as the homewrecker she is.
Meanwhile detach, implement, live the 180:
The Healing Heart: The 180
Just Let Them Go


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

(SORRY JUST HAVE TO SHARE THIS!!) – I HOPE YOU CAN SEE WHAT I AM GETTING AT.

So here’s a thing. Saw H this morning and he had bad news at work yesterday whereby his company have been told that they will be losing the contract that my husband is currently working on for a large company. He was asked 6 months ago to go and bring it up to speed to avoid what has now happened. (H does believe himself to be one of the best in the company BTW)

The guy that is terminating this contract is not only a client of the company, but has up until recently been a good friend of both of us, him and his wife, but my H said he had started to become a little distant with H the past few months.

This guy had been telling H for the last 6 months that he and his team were doing a good job and he was pleased with progress. Yesterday in a meeting H’s boss is there and the client. During the meeting the client drops the bomb and tells H and H’s boss that the contract will be terminating as from August and the client said You just didn’t get it right!” H is devastated! And there “could” be a possibility that H’s company will not see this as being good for the business and fire him, so he said! 

So now H said, “I can’t believe that he has betrayed me like this”, “client has lead me up the garden path, told me we were doing good and now drops the bomb” “I can’t believe he is putting my career at risk, I thought everything was going well, because he told me so” 

OH THE SIMILARITIES TO WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME!!!!!

So, H doesn’t like this!!! I said to him, it’s not very nice to be betrayed like that is it! He just didn’t see what I was getting at. He then got nasty and said that he’d got a lot on client/friend and he could get him into trouble (so not H, once upon a time).

I said to H perhaps he has got something on you too! He went crazy and cried; he thought I meant that perhaps client/friend knows about H’s affair!! Client/friend wouldn’t like the fact what H has done to me. I’ve now planted a seed and H is probably wondering whether client/friend does know somehow, has he been seen with O/W!!! 

Who knows his affair may ruin him.

Isn’t it strange how things turnaround! I am not a spiteful person and I not trying to be, but it seems sometimes people get pay back in other ways.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

You NEED to STOP putting him first. Who is looking out for you at the moment, or at any time when he was enjoying another woman? Let's not sugarcoat this. He cheated on you. He willingly slept with another woman, knowing he was not supposed to do it. He weighed the options and risks prior to doing so, and did it anyways. Risking you was not a big enough risk for him, and you still feel something. There was a time when you didn't know him, and didn't feel anything for him, with time, you can attain that again. Remember how much it sucked to break up with someone during the dating years, but then in due time someone new came along and you were happy again? You can do this again. Forget him just like he forgot you in order to bang another woman. He is looking out for himself. Those are crocodile tears you are seeing him cry. The same tears criminals cry when they are being sentenced. Don't fall for it. Be there for yourself, sometimes we are all we have. We as women are stronger than we think. You can get through this, and you will. I recommend the book, "What Happy Women Know." I learned a lot from it, not just relationship wise, but also why we do what we do, what we are hardwired to do when things like this happen, and what it is we actually should do. Back in the caveman days women needed men, we don't now. Find someone who will respect you and truly love you, after you have learned to do those things for yourself. He did not have a hard time putting you on the back burner so he could have fun. It's time to move on.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Wow Jax, maybe the client DOES know about the affair. And the irony of how your husbans sees the loss of the contract as a betrayal from left field is inescapable.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

I have had a slight suspicion that the client/friend may know, or he has been told by someone who saw them together. Mmm, we will see. I think and I could be wrong, but when I met up with his work colleagues a couple of weeks ago at client/friends birthday party, they were shocked by my weight loss and couldn't believe how long it has been since they last saw me. I used to see them for drinks with H almost every other week.
What with the job thing now, I wonder how H is going to take it this evening when I ask him if he's managed to find an apartment.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

By the way, when I say weight loss, I was 136lbs now I am 110lbs, lost in two weeks.

Thank you, Itsgonnabealright. Everything you say is true, even though 4 months have past, it's still a shock. But he has to go.


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