# Why does Separation have to be so hard?



## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

Hey ladies and gents!
I'm hoping to connect with some people here and send and receive healthy advice 

I am Jen, 23, Hispanic and living with my boyfriend. He is 26, and also Hispanic. I work and go to school and he is a retired Marine going to school so he doesnt work. He's planning to start in January of 2013 but let's see how that goes.

Well my story:

I was involved in a 3 year relationship which began in 2007. I don't think my ex physically cheated on me but emotionally yes he did. We broke up in December of 2009 due to me not being able to take all of the inconsiderations. 

In June of 2010 I went to my homeland which is the Dominican Republic. I went for a week with my family to unwind because I was still hurting a bit from the breakup. It was the best week ever. When I was almost returning to the U.S, I started talking to the boyfriend I have now. We hit it off pretty good and we started dating when I came back to the states. 

After 3 months, we started living together (we had known each other for 7 years before anything so is not like we didnt know each other). Up to now everything seems cool with our relationship but I don't seem to be in the same page as him and honestly, little by little I am beginning to withdraw and is hurting me.

Problems in the relationship:
1. He is a smoker. I don't have anything against him smoking his ciggarrettes but is interfering with us having children. We have done all the tests in the world and the only thing stopping us is the low sperm count. His answer is always "oh, we'll do IVF"...ummm does he know how much IVF costs??? 

2. He is extremely honest. Yeah yeah I know you guys are probably saying "what?! thats the best feature", but is not. When we first started dating, he told me that he had kissed his ex. We were just days into the relationship so I gave him a full day of NC for him to figure out what he wanted to do with his life and he chose me. At least he didnt hide it from me.

When I ask him what would he do if we brake up, immediately he tells me that he would keep searching for the woman he's gonna spend his life with, whether is with me or with someone else. He says he loves me and he will never break up with me but that he's not going to mourn and be single if we break up. Wow, i understand that's what most people would do but to tell me straight up, it hurt a bit. But that's ok. Also, whenever he sees a cute woman or someone with nice body features, he tells me or makes those annoying moaning sounds. He's always been like that so I can't blame him. When I see a cute man, I do the same things he does, except I don't tell him.

3. He's always home. And I mean ALWAYS. He only goes out to chill with his friends when they call him but not in clubs, bars or anything like that. I used to go chill with them too but after a day of work and school, it gets tiring. What I hate about him staying home is that he gets bored. Our biggest problem right now is that when he gets bored, he takes his anger of boredom out on everyone, including me. Like, C'on!!! I tell him to get a hobby or something but he says no. And I still dont know why I feel guilty just because he doesnt wanna get a hobby or get a job right now.

4. Too sexual. I consider myself to be very sexual but he's over the top. Sometimes I ask him if thats the only thing that he thinks about. But he doesnt understand that when I get home I am so tired! I dislike sex with him. He doesnt get that a woman has to be warmed up before sex and he never does. I feel uncomfortable when he does try. I love him but unless I want sex, it doesn't feel like anything to me.

I don't know how to talk to him about my feelings since he's always saying "theres only two options, you're either with me or without, and if its without, let me know so I can go and find happiness elsewhere".

Lately I have been thinking a lot about leaving him but I cant. I feel so used to the life that we have and I'm afraid of feeling guilt or regret after I do leave. I am not happy with him but I would be worst without him. I really don't know what to do. He's a great guy which is why I'm doing the smart thing by staying to see if this feeling goes away but I'm starting to withdraw. I hardly want to call him or text him anymore. Its becoming awkward for me. I dont know if he feels like everything is fine but I know is not fine with the way I feel. I need advice.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

msgarcia000 said:


> Hey ladies and gents!
> I'm hoping to connect with some people here and send and receive healthy advice
> 
> I am Jen, 23, Hispanic and living with my boyfriend. He is 26, and also Hispanic. I work and go to school and he is a retired Marine going to school so he doesnt work. He's planning to start in January of 2013 but let's see how that goes.
> ...


Wow -- Do not marry this guy. I would say you should follow your gut feelings and leave him. Don't stay just because you're "used to it" -- the things that bother you now about him will only get worse as time goes by. Don't stay out of guilt -- by his statements it doesn't sound like he would feel at all guilty if he were to leave YOU. In fact, it sounds like you wouldn't have to worry about his feelings at all -- he would just flip his switch to "broken up -- go find happiness elsewhere." He may be a great guy, but you're so young -- there are plenty of other great guys out there and you WILL find one. Why do you say you're worse without him? 

Also, his statement that "theres only two options, you're either with me or without, and if its without, let me know so I can go and find happiness elsewhere" -- that's very cold and doesn't sound like something a man who really loves you would say. 
I should know because my husband has said something similar in the past.


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## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

One great thing about me is that I don't commit myself long term if I know something is not right. Even if he did ask me to marry him, I would say no. I'm not staying just because of guilt, I'm staying because everyone has flaws and I don't want to find a guy with worst flaws later on and then regret leaving my current partner.

Trust me girl, I think about that phrase all the time...But then I also think he might be putting up a show when he says that. He's human so he has to "feel". Thats the way I see it. You know how therapists say to have a marriage journal and write down the pros and cons of the relationship to see what is better, well, We have more pros than cons. 

I dont know. Maybe I'm the selfish one and feel like I'm throwing my 20's away by being committed right now. Ahhhh, I'm so confused :-(

I'm saying I would be worst without him because I hate being alone. I like to have someone to come home to. I don't like the "empty" house feeling. It scares me. Also, I cannot seem to picture him with no one else but me. Everytime I think about that possibility I feel extremely jealous (sorry, I dont know how to control it) and also I get anxious.

I know him saying he'll find happiness elsewhere is a cold phrase but he's right though. I think I would do the same thing. Mourning and dwelling without moving on after a break up can destroy life a little so why not just continue living. I mean, if we break up, I will be single for a loooooong while, but he's gonna go onto a rebound woman. She will always be that rebound woman and someday his emotions will catch up. 

As you can see, I'm contradicting and confusing myself more about the relationship. Urgh!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree if you dont know what you want and are so indecisive then maybe its time to work on yourself by yourself If he is not marriage material now why waste time it sounds like you have some resentments that need to be addressed before you could move on with him -jmo


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