# Biggest reason for affairs after 15 years of marriage?



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Just pondering and wondering now that we have been married a longtime 18 years. I've seen so many marriages come and go and so many people unhappy.

What do you think the cause for looking for extramarital sex is? 

Growing older wanting one last hoorah before entering the golden years?

Variety and bored with the same person regardless how good they are? 

Just wondering.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There seem to be to times when marriages typically have problems 7 years (the 7 year itch) and 14/15 years. 

I think that the bottom line is that people get married and put their relationship on auto pilot. Over time they stop the things that helped them build the passion/bond. They spend all their energy on work, house and kids. They forget to put the time in weekly to spend time alone and have a romance.

Then suddenly at 15 years or so of marriage, the kids are getting pretty independent. At least one spouse realizes that the fun of romance is gone... the other spouse is still on happy enough auto pilot. They are probably basically leading separate lives by now...

and the relationship is ripe for an affair.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Maybe, I'm sure that's accurate for many, found out someone else we know just got caught. 6 month long affair with his best friends wife they are mid 50's.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

It's not much mentioned to my knowledge but I think a lot of it has to do with not being clued in to why you got together in the first place. Does there have to be this great overarching reason anyway? Probably - some shared goals wouldn't be a bad thing.

My former WS cheated. Now almost 14 months since DDay I can see that we hit it off from attraction and not much more. I think we just accepted we'd stay together. And we told stories to each other. We needed to be in therapy.

Then the children came along and ten plus years goes by just like that. Before you know it you are 15 years in and a hell of a lot of sh*t has descended on the two of you. In our case each of us had not dealt with childhood traumas of one type or another.

Things aren't going well but you stick it out - you don't ask the right questions. You stand and argue and hurl abuse but you don't take the steps to sort it out. 

Then the younger bloke in the suit, the ex-work colleague pounces after months of putting in the time; chipping away. The re-union takes place and a union of another type begins. Alcohol just makes it that much easier.

Reason? Because she needed to feel better about herself. The POS excrement knew that - she would have told him her woes, many times and he played his trump - "me too". United with shared horror stories of fallow ground. 

He just needs to mount women - knock 'em off, as many as possible. The player tells the same lies with variations to fit the scene. His biggest lie is about being some type of super sensitive love God who has no outlet on the home front to express his deep desires. Whatever it is, she tells him "Don't be afraid to show who you really are"

Later after things have quietened down he says "Shame that I can't be who I am without you...." Re-baiting the hook, casting it out there. It's now a game - break up, reconcile, break-up reconcile....come chase me. In this case the affair is prolonged. And all the while he's got others on the boil - the harem.

His needs her needs.


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

For spouses with kids, I think what happens is some couples let the marriage get away from them. They stop dating each other and put all the efforts into the kids. They then get bored, lose their connection and end up wishing for a connection with someone. Since the spouses are too busy to pay attention to each other, one strays. So, why not just divorce instead or work on the marriage? What I think happens is that one spouse normally gives hints or flat out states that he/she is unhappy. But when the other spouse thinks there is no problem and refuses to work on it, then what recourse does the other have? With kids in the mix, I can see where cheating is favored over divorce. I'm not saying it's right, but I can see an attention starved spouse choosing to cheat to get the attention instead of divorcing and becoming a part time parent.

Many people don't like seeing it expressed like this, but I think this is the most common reason for cheating - at least in the real world. On TAM, the reasons are different.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

MrAvg said:


> I know a couple where the wife stepped out of the marriage, he did not know and they have been married for 30 years. The brief affair happened 20 years ago. She never wandered again and they are still happily married.


I doubt the marriage is happy if she had to step out. Most likely, he's oblivious to what his wife needs and she is a poor communicator. They put up with the marriage because it's good enough.

Interestingly, why hasn't anyone told the poor guy his wife stepped out on him? If everyone else knows, they are piss poor friends and family...


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> For spouses with kids, I think what happens is some couples let the marriage get away from them. They stop dating each other and put all the efforts into the kids. They then get bored, lose their connection and end up wishing for a connection with someone. Since the spouses are too busy to pay attention to each other, one strays. So, why not just divorce instead or work on the marriage? What I think happens is that one spouse normally gives hints or flat out states that he/she is unhappy. But when the other spouse thinks there is no problem and refuses to work on it, then what recourse does the other have? With kids in the mix, I can see where cheating is favored over divorce. I'm not saying it's right, but I can see an attention starved spouse choosing to cheat to get the attention instead of divorcing and becoming a part time parent.
> 
> Many people don't like seeing it expressed like this, but I think this is the most common reason for cheating - at least in the real world. On TAM, the reasons are different.


I agree completely. Pretty much all of the affairs that I know about personally were as a result of one spouse refusing to listen to the others plea, about too much focus on the kids. The other spouse refuses to divorce since the kids are young but nobody signs up for marriage with a roomate so.,...ripe for affair.

I'm in that situation right now, and I think the only reason I haven't followed through with an affair of my own is because I'm still too fat. Just being honest.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

OhGeesh, I'll tell you what, your on the right track. The best time to think about your spouse having an affair is BEFORE it happens you. If you are fully aware that it could happen to ANYBODY, even you, than you have a good chance of preventing it. There are numerous reasons why spouses cheat, but a key ingredient in longer marriages is complacency and denial. You start taking things in your relationship for granted and you convince yourself that infidelity could never happen to you. There are no guarantees, but it's something that would helped my marriage, I know that for sure.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Never heard this reason mentioned before, but a friend of my had a one night stand because he had got to a rock bottom point in his marriage. His wife was constantly nagging and criticizing him. He would tell her over and over to stop cutting him down. He thought the only way to get her attention was to use shock paddles on the marriage. He wanted her to know he wasn't a whipping boy. So, he has his one night stand and then discloses to her what happened. She finally agreed to MC. They are now working on the relationship.


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

If I saw some post like this I immediatly remember for this picture. It tells me everything I need to know.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I like that, bestwife.

Life used to be a lot harder. People's expectations were lower. 

And let's face it, economic circumstances often demanded that women, at least, turn a blind eye to cheating.


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

:iagree:


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> There seem to be to times when marriages typically have problems 7 years (the 7 year itch) and 14/15 years.
> 
> I think that the bottom line is that people get married and put their relationship on auto pilot. Over time they stop the things that helped them build the passion/bond. They spend all their energy on work, house and kids. They forget to put the time in weekly to spend time alone and have a romance.
> 
> ...


this what I was going to write, but Ele beat me to it.

I would like to add that being taken for granted. The reason why you fell in love in the first place, the little things they used to do stop dead in their tracks. Some people just have no will power, having an affair is a choice, not a need!


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> For spouses with kids, I think what happens is some couples let the marriage get away from them. They stop dating each other and put all the efforts into the kids. They then get bored, lose their connection and end up wishing for a connection with someone. Since the spouses are too busy to pay attention to each other, one strays. So, why not just divorce instead or work on the marriage? What I think happens is that one spouse normally gives hints or flat out states that he/she is unhappy. But when the other spouse thinks there is no problem and refuses to work on it, then what recourse does the other have? With kids in the mix, I can see where cheating is favored over divorce. I'm not saying it's right, but I can see an attention starved spouse choosing to cheat to get the attention instead of divorcing and becoming a part time parent.
> 
> Many people don't like seeing it expressed like this, but I think this is the most common reason for cheating - at least in the real world. On TAM, the reasons are different.


This is great stuff but I would also add one more potential reason. It's the physical appearance of one or even both of the spouses. This goes back to your statement about the spouses being too busy with everything in life to pay attention to one another but also usually one or both neglect themselves as well.

If one spouse, for example, just plain doesn't hardly resemble the man or woman the other fell in love with, trouble is on the horizon. When physical attraction wanes or completely wanes, an affair could be soon to follow.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> This is great stuff but I would also add one more potential reason. It's the physical appearance of one or even both of the spouses. This goes back to your statement about the spouses being too busy with everything in life to pay attention to one another but also usually one or both neglect themselves as well.
> 
> If one spouse, for example, just plain doesn't hardly resemble the man or woman the other fell in love with, trouble is on the horizon. When physical attraction wanes or completely wanes, an affair could be soon to follow.


This is true and what happened to me. I was in a depressive state but not tuned into it. I was overeating, bad tempered at times and just plain ugly to be with.

My only success, i thought, was in the bedroom. I thought i was good at it - always made sure she got off (always have - I love that) but I was kidding myself as I discovered.

One of the nasty things I was told after DDay was that she had faked orgasms. How many times I don't know - not many i think but the weight of that comment, like something out of a movie, blew me away. Just to get you off me she said. Ouch!

Not possible - I'm great in the sack. Wrong. It wasn't about that. I could get her off the way she liked - for years I did. But it wasn't about that. It was about the fact that all I had to look fwd to intimacy wise was sex.

There had been nothing for ages - sex had dwindled. I was on a drip feed. All of the pressures of out lives destroyed that vibe. After a hard day at the office she preferred to drink and watch TV. 

I had completely lost any awareness of what was happening - we were in the worst place possible, a rut. And she was not attracted to me on any level. The arguments, all the argy bargy killed it off.

I had no insight. I had to go down with the ship to wake up to myself. And after the horror of DDay I worked on myself - I did what I could and I continue to do so but all for naught. My personality kinks had mostly been ironed out, I detached, I did everything I could and I'm still trying to be better and get in shape even more but for us it was for zero.

Post DDay to go from hysterical bonding (which flopped after 2-3 days anyway) to a bit here and there and then nothing for 8 months was the end of it. I told her outright - you don't need a man in your life. 

She did what she did once before, when I told her we had reached the end of the line - she got up and walked out of the room.

I do it all for me and my children now.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Spouses can fall into cheating / or the temptation to cheat ... when their emotional needs are not being met in the marriage (sexual fulfillment is an emotional need too)......they either live a miserable existence where they almost need Depression drugs to cope...(often resentment has taken place & passive aggressiveness is involved)...or Apathy.. they grow bored and Blaaaaa.... the smarter ones refuse to stop talking, are self aware enough to get into marriage counseling and/ or take the bull by the horns, get humble , pursue understanding each other, get more creative, start dating again, and bringing back some Romance...to undo this awful chain of events.... 

I really think every dating couple ought to read His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ which devoted a chapter to our Core Emotional Needs & just how important they are for marital success and happiness.....



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...


In my own marriage, my Husband has supplied me with every one of those on a consistent basis , I never had a 7 yr itch, or a 14 yr itch.. or any such thing....I did get a little too absorbed in being a Mom at one time.... but he also loved being a DAD...and we were always very close...did everything together...we just did FAMILY stuff more than "US' stuff... 

Because of his loving treatment of me over all of these years... .. when I suddenly wanted more sex in mid life...(a lot more than he could handle).... I started questioning his desire ....he was the love of my life.. I didn't look outward.. I looked inward..what can I DO to bring him on this ride with me... I got creative...brought some new novelty...read books on how to please a man.. I opened up the sex dialog... we realized how we were missing each other in the past in some of these ways... and the way he handled me.. ..he's my Hero...


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

We are approaching 20 years this summer and 7 weeks ago I found out my husband was having an affair. It blindsided me. Our eldest moved off to college this year and about 2 months before I discovered the A I realized I was not happy in our marriage and that my husband was not either. We had put our kids first for so many years- so easy to do with busy teens, sporting events, birthday parties, driving kids around, etc and that our relationship had gone on the back burner. Add to that a husband who was working way more hours than he should have been and had disconnected from the family- he breezed in for kids activities and things like that, but otherwise was so busy building his career that we were living separate lives. He also turned 40 this year and I think that hit him hard- we married young and he didn't have too many relationships before me. Anyways, we started working on our marriage in those 2 months prior to me finding out about the Affair, but I didn't realize there was a third wheel at that point...and he didn't have the guts to call it off with her.

We have talked more in the past 7 weeks than we ever have. He is "doing everything right" as far as wayward spouses are concerned at this point. He realizes he could have lost everything. They were "in love", but now he realizes they really weren't- he was just in love with the escape and attention she gave him. So in our case I would say that the state of our marriage was poor which could have contributed to his decision to have an affair, but it wasn't the cause of the affair- that was his CHOICE. He could have also come and talked to me and started working on the marriage. If I had to give reasons I'd say putting the children first, being disconnected from the family and needing affection that he felt he wasn't getting at home.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I like the post with the emotional needs. For both sexes it becomes complacency and it really starts there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

OhGeesh, as I recall you have been a WH in the past. How would you answer your own questions?


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Just by what I said. After reading NMMNG and The MMSLP I realized I needed to change. I was not a happy person to be around at all. So after IC and MC and running my MAP things are much better for me. We are working on things. I think we've communicated better in the last four months then ever. I've never felt such inner peace with myself. I figure I'm half way to where I want to be. 

We spend quality time together now
We go on dates. 
Sex has been better. Not enough yet but better. 
I'm enjoying life way more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Fordsvt said:


> Just by what I said. After reading NMMNG and The MMSLP I realized I needed to change. I was not a happy person to be around at all. So after IC and MC and running my MAP things are much better for me. We are working on things. I think we've communicated better in the last four months then ever. I've never felt such inner peace with myself. I figure I'm half way to where I want to be.
> 
> We spend quality time together now
> We go on dates.
> ...


If this is a response to my question in the previous post, I was asking the OP, OhGeesh.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Philat said:


> If this is a response to my question in the previous post, I was asking the OP, OhGeesh.


I thought you were referring to my situation. I apologize.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> ………………
> Because of his loving treatment of me over all of these years... .. when I suddenly wanted more sex in mid life...(a lot more than he could handle).... I started questioning his desire ....he was the love of my life.. I didn't look outward.. I looked inward..what can I DO to bring him on this ride with me... I got creative...brought some new novelty...read books on how to please a man.. I opened up the sex dialog... we realized how we were missing each other in the past in some of these ways... and the way he handled me.. ..he's my Hero...


Beautiful the way you put this! Makes me adore my husband even more.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

sinnister said:


> and I think the only reason I haven't followed through with an affair of my own is because I'm still too fat. Just being honest.


had to smirk at that. kinda funny. "im too fat to have an affair now".. go for a jog, couple salads, and you should be ready to play just the tip with a coworker.


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