# Single .... what you thought it would be ????



## Mr.Married

So your single now!! Is it the freedom and fun you expected.... or boring dull and lonely ??


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## Numb26

Single life is better then I remember it to be!


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## Diana7

Being single with three hurting children to care for was horrible. I was much happier when I met and married my now husband after 6 years.
Being single is overrated.


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## lifeistooshort

Well I didn't expect anything other than not being married to my ex, so my life is great 😀


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## Numb26

lifeistooshort said:


> Well I didn't expect anything other than not being married to my ex, so my life is great 😀


No stress, no worrying, no being second guessed. It is great, isn't it?


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## ConanHub

Well it would depend I think.

Being single as opposed to being with a real problematic pain in the ass that you get not enough positive from=Good.

The only way I would be single today is if I lost Mrs. C=Bad.

Although, if I did find myself single in the near future (May God forbid it), I would happy to stay that way. 

I have no clue if I could start over at my age anyway.😉


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## lifeistooshort

Numb26 said:


> No stress, no worrying, no being second guessed. It is great, isn't it?


I'm not sure if you've read my story but the best part for me is not dealing with that phony smile and him playing dumb after being a passive aggressive prick.

And the fact that I don't have to look at his ****ty toupee anymore 😅😅😅


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## Andy1001

ConanHub said:


> Well it would depend I think.
> 
> Being single as opposed to being with a real problematic pain in the ass that you get not enough positive from=Good.
> 
> The only way I would be single today is if I lost Mrs. C=Bad.
> 
> Although, if I did find myself single in the near future (May God forbid it), I would happy to stay that way.
> 
> I have no clue if I could start over at my age anyway.😉


Going on your previous post I hope your ambidextrous. 💪💪


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## In Absentia

Boring, dull and lonely, but better than the hell my marriage was in the last few years.


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## minimalME

It's wonderful! 🤗💕

I don't really understand the concept of boredom, and I don't get lonely. And to have a dull life seems lazy? There's so much to enjoy!


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## Numb26

minimalME said:


> It's wonderful! 🤗💕
> 
> I don't really understand the concept of boredom, and I don't get lonely. And to have a dull life seems lazy? There so much to enjoy!


Right?? I haven't been bored since the separation/divorce. Done more in the last 2 years then in the 10 previous


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## Married but Happy

It's been awhile, but I recall it being some of both. There were some brief periods where I wasn't dating that were lonely and boring, but more often I was dating and had many of the best times of my life doing so. There was both peace without my ex, and a sense of anticipation and excitement for the future - something I'd not had for many, many years.


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## ConanHub

Andy1001 said:


> Going on your previous post I hope your ambidextrous. 💪💪


Joking aside, that is the biggest problem I thought of. I might have to get married again simply to take care of business.😆


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## Al_Bundy

I was at my best when i was single. Granted I got married later so I'm sure it's different if you marry young and spend most of your adult life with someone.


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## LisaDiane

ConanHub said:


> Joking aside, that is the biggest problem I thought of. I might have to get married again simply to take care of business.😆


I don't believe you'll ever have to face that choice!


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## Diana7

I str


Numb26 said:


> No stress, no worrying, no being second guessed. It is great, isn't it?


I stress and worry far less being married.


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## drencrom

Mr.Married said:


> So your single now!! Is it the freedom and fun you expected.... or boring dull and lonely ??


Its absolutely awesome. Go where I want, when I want, and don't have to worry if the woman I give my affections to is giving it to other men.

Lonely? Maybe from time to time. But I'll take a wee bit of loneliness for the freedom I now have.


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## karmagoround

drencrom said:


> Its absolutely awesome. Go where I want, when I want, and don't have to worry if the woman I give my affections to is giving it to other men.
> 
> Lonely? Maybe from time to time. But I'll take a wee bit of loneliness for the freedom I now have.


Amen brother.


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## RebuildingMe

It's been very stressful me, crappy divorce, trial and not being in my house yet. All that said, it's still far better from my marriage. Having the kids 50% is the perfect balance for me. Getting out to go for drinks and dancing with the gf is something I would have never done with the wife. She was just a tool. I'm too busy to be bored. I like my "alone" nights to watch what I want or do what I want. I am looking forward to the house and picking out my own stuff without being second guessed. I think, for me, it's been wonderful and will add years to me life in the end. I'm also in better physical shape and healthier then I've been in years with the outdoor activities that I now can enjoy. For added enjoyment, my son was speaking to his mom this weekend on facetime, and let's just say that single life has not been kind to her. She's gained over 50lbs and appears to have aged by 10 years. So people can make what they want out of their new free single time. I would say for those that are not happy being single, they either didn't want the divorce or were co-dependent on their former spouse.


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## RNSoSo

drencrom said:


> Its absolutely awesome. Go where I want, when I want, and don't have to worry if the woman I give my affections to is giving it to other men.
> 
> Lonely? Maybe from time to time. But I'll take a wee bit of loneliness for the freedom I now have.


I share this sentiment as well. I was with my ex husband since I was 16 years old. I have never been on my own, so now at 31 years old living the single life for the first time I definitely enjoy it. I enjoy doing things whenever the hell I feel like doing it and not having to consider anyone else (except my 16 month old). There are definite moments of loneliness and sadness but for the most part the independence has been liberating for me.


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## Lila

Mr.Married said:


> So your single now!! Is it the freedom and fun you expected.... or boring dull and lonely ??


It's a little of both. There are things I loved about being married and things that I love about being single. There are things I hated when I was married and things I hate about being single. 

There's truth is the quote "wherever you go, there you will be". Freedom/ fun and loneliness/boredom are a matter of perspective and initiative. If you don't like where you're at, then figure out why so you can fix it.


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## TXTrini

minimalME said:


> It's wonderful! 🤗💕
> 
> I don't really understand the concept of boredom, and I don't get lonely. And to have a dull life seems lazy? There's so much to enjoy!


Me either! Even in my marriage I was never bored, there was always something to do or something new to learn.

I loved being married and having someone to live life with before DD. It wasn't always great, but I never expected it to be. Like Lila, there are things I love about each, so I'm content either way.

Now, for reference, what do we consider single? Not married or absolutely noone in the picture? I have a bf, so I'm not interested in other men, however I'm still autonomous and do things to suit myself, unless it will negatively affect him.


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## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Me either! Even in my marriage I was never bored, there was always something to do or something new to learn.
> 
> I loved being married and having someone to live life with before DD. It wasn't always great, but I never expected it to be. Like Lila, there are things I love about each, so I'm content either way.
> 
> Now, for reference, what do we consider single? Not married or absolutely noone in the picture? I have a bf, so I'm not interested in other men, however I'm still autonomous and do things to suit myself, unless it will negatively affect him.


To me, I am single. No serious relationship, no gf. Just people I hang out with sometimes.


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## minimalME

TXTrini said:


> Now, for reference, what do we consider single?


I’m single single. 😬😂

I haven’t been on a date or a dating site in over 3 years, and I’m quite content.


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## southbound

I’ve been divorced 11 years and not dating. I love it. I don’t have to explain anything. I can do what I want when I want. I guess I’m not wired to feel lonely or bored.


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## Openminded

I definitely was lonely and bored when I was in a dysfunctional marriage but not since I got divorced. So I would say that, yes, freedom is all I hoped it would be.


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## Affaircare

Mr.Married said:


> So your single now!! Is it the freedom and fun you expected.... or boring dull and lonely ??


Two thoughts:

1) Why is it one or the other? These two emotions are not mutually exclusive. As a single person I LOVED the freedom to be myself and make my own decisions, doing what I want, when I want, with who I want. And on the occasion I found it boring because there was no drama...so I decided to learn how to live in peace! And on the occasion I found it lonely in that I wasn't sharing my life with another adult, but when I did feel lonely, I went to a women's support group, had lunch with some female friends, or went on a date if there was a man in whom I was interested. I wasn't condemned to a life of solitude ya know? And I am many things, but "dull" isn't one of them! So if it felt boring, dull, or lonely, I go out and do something I'd always wanted to do and never did...

2) I'm not single at the moment, but I was single after my divorce for four years, and I was single after my Dear Hubby passed away for a year and a half. I've been single, and I loved it. Then again, I've been married, and I loved it. Well, I didn't love being married to my cheating ex, but if he had taken the marriage seriously and worked together and stopped cheating I would have made the effort too. And if Dear Hubby hadn't died, we'd still be ecstatically married because he was a truly smart, funny, happy man--I have nothing bad to say about him. And Beloved Hubby? Well man, have ya met him? He's truly AMAZING! (Just look him up: @Emerging Buddhist ). I believe he is the kindest, most compassionate, most thoughtful people I've ever met.

At times it's free and fun to be single--but it can also be freeing and fun to be married. At times it's boring, dull, and lonely to be single--but it can be boring, dull, and lonely in a bad marriage too! And it doesn't always STAY free and fun...or boring and lonely. Sometimes it's just a great day or a bad night. Get past it and live on.


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## Evinrude58

I am finally adjusted to living on my own. If I made decent money I’d be happy. I date, but haven’t found anyone to get serious with. Don’t know if I will. But if I do, she will likely be a keeper. I’m not in the same mindset I once was in. I know without a doubt I can find plenty of women to spend time with. So I am able to break things off when I’m not satisfied. 
I’m rarely Lonely. I was happy married. But glad I at least have the remote possibility of finding someone who truly loves me abb MB d actually has some character. My ex never did.


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## Hiner112

I've found a relationship to be generally better than singledom. Sex and cooperating on tasks and whatnot.

My single life between separation and new GF was a lot more relaxing than the last few years of my marriage but not as much fun as the first few months of my new relationship.


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## 2&out

I like being single to the point I will never consider being anything else.


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## Blondilocks

RebuildingMe said:


> For added enjoyment, my son was speaking to his mom this weekend on facetime, and let's just say that single life has not been kind to her. She's gained over 50lbs and appears to have aged by 10 years.


But, she was never really single as she moved her boyfriend in right away. Remember? Wanna bet that when his divorce becomes final (if ever) that he won't marry her - he'll find someone with less mileage and less beef on the hoof.


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## Cooper

People say the nice thing about being single is having the freedom to do what you want whenever you want. I have a bit of a different take, for me being single means never having to do things I don't want to do.

And yes, I love having my life to myself.


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## uwe.blab

Mr.Married said:


> So your single now!! Is it the freedom and fun you expected.... or boring dull and lonely ??


Are you married OP? Considering....not being married?


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## Mr.Married

uwe.blab said:


> Are you married OP? Considering....not being married?


Mr. Married is very married.


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## Mr.Married

Blondilocks said:


> beef on the hoof.


Need to load that big gal up and bring her to market 😬


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## Diana7

If you are happy in a good marriage then for most that is better than being alone.
If you have been in a very unhappy marriage then of course it's nicer to be single.
Most of you here it seems were not in happy marriages.

I thrive in marriage but I would rather be single than be in an abusive marriage or where my spouse was cheating.


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## TXTrini

Diana7 said:


> If you are happy in a good marriage then for most that is better than being alone.
> If you have been in a very unhappy marriage then of course it's nicer to be single.
> Most of you here it seems were not in happy marriages.
> 
> I thrive in marriage but I would rather be single than be in an abusive marriage or where my spouse was cheating.


I'd prefer to be married and thrive in marriage too. After my experience, it just doesn't seem worth it, I don't think I can integrate with someone now the way I did at 27 when we started out making a life together.

Maybe I'll change my mind, but I'd have to be 100% certain it would be for life. I don't have it in me to divorce and recover again.


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## Hopeful Cynic

I love being single. It would have to be someone truly exceptional to make me want to date seriously again!

I love my autonomy and independence. I like not having my income bled away into someone else's priorities. I like not having to defer to someone else's tastes and wants for major decisions instead of never getting my way in any sort of fair compromise. I like pursuing my own hobbies without criticism about them being boring or stupid.

Most of all, I like not being stabbed in the back by the person who is supposed to have my back.


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## southbound

Cooper said:


> People say the nice thing about being single is having the freedom to do what you want whenever you want. I have a bit of a different take, for me being single means never having to do things I don't want to do.
> 
> And yes, I love having my life to myself.


Yes, that too. Everything is made choice. I also think how some things would seem weird if married, but just freedom if single. For example, If I wake up at 2:00 and decide to run to the all night department store, I do it and there isn’t anyone around to think it’s weird or to think something weird is going on.


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## lifeistooshort

Blondilocks said:


> But, she was never really single as she moved her boyfriend in right away. Remember? Wanna bet that when his divorce becomes final (if ever) that he won't marry her - he'll find someone with less mileage and less beef on the hoof.


Beef on the hoof....

That is fantastic!


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## joannacroc

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I love being single. It would have to be someone truly exceptional to make me want to date seriously again!
> 
> I love my autonomy and independence. I like not having my income bled away into someone else's priorities. I like not having to defer to someone else's tastes and wants for major decisions instead of never getting my way in any sort of fair compromise. I like pursuing my own hobbies without criticism about them being boring or stupid.
> 
> Most of all, I like not being stabbed in the back by the person who is supposed to have my back.


Exactly! All of this. Also, I think I probably wouldn't be a good partner anymore. I'd be constantly on eggshells for the next poor guy to cheat. It's nice to have adventures with my son and friends without having to balance my free time. Honestly I didn't mind the things my ex wanted to do but it's nice to be able to feel like doing something at the weekend and having the autonomy to pack up the doggo and boy and hit the road. It's nice to feel like having a lazy day at home binge-watching whatever show someone else might think is lame, and not having to feel bad about it. 

Only downside, is I miss sex. A lot. But not really wired for casual sex, so pretty much celebate for now. If I feel like I have fixed myself, I might date in the future but definitely not in a hurry. I don't lack for company and fun, with my friends and family, so perhaps I will be one of those awesome old lady adventurers like my late, great aunt, who headed off to China aged 84 with a friend just 'cause.


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## Elizabeth001

southbound said:


> If I wake up at 2:00 and decide to run to the all night department store, I do it and there isn’t anyone around to think it’s weird or to think something weird is going on.


Weirdo! 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> I'd prefer to be married and thrive in marriage too. After my experience, it just doesn't seem worth it, I don't think I can integrate with someone now the way I did at 27 when we started out making a life together.
> 
> Maybe I'll change my mind, but I'd have to be 100% certain it would be for life. I don't have it in me to divorce and recover again.


Wow, you’ve changed your tune over the last year!


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## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Wow, you’ve changed your tune over the last year!


I'm still open to the possibility, but it will have to be worth it to trade my freedom, peace and extra free time.

It's amazing how much more free time I have now that I'm not living with an inconsiderate pig, or catering for someone else's eating preferences.


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## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> I'm still open to the possibility, but it will have to be worth it to trade my freedom, peace and extra free time.
> 
> It's amazing how much more free time I have now that I'm not living with an inconsiderate pig, or catering for someone else's eating preferences.


But have you had to look at a ****ty toupee?
😅😅😅


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## RandomDude

After marriage single life just became one of contentment. Then I met someone and fell in love for once, had a 4 year relationship, life was something else, like a drug that keeps you blind to everything else as you just live out the bliss. It was worth giving up singlehood.

Then it ended, was pretty tough the first week. So now I'm single again, but after four years I'm not so sure about giving it up again - because now I found several long lost luxuries, ONE -> I can switch my phone off ALL DAY LONG!!! I've never been so focused in my tasks for so many years, now I know why, because when I have to bloody 'report in' every fking hr my thoughts are gone.


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## TXTrini

lifeistooshort said:


> But have you had to look at a ****ty toupee?
> 😅😅😅


Thankfully not! 

I'm going to get flamed for saying this.... but.... I like hair, and yes, I've passed on guys with thinning hair,so a bad toupee would be a hard pass for me. 

So, we're you tempted to kill it with fire? 🤣🤣🤣


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## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> After marriage single life just became one of contentment. Then I met someone and fell in love for once, had a 4 year relationship, life was something else, like a drug that keeps you blind to everything else as you just live out the bliss. It was worth giving up singlehood.
> 
> Then it ended, was pretty tough the first week. So now I'm single again, but after four years I'm not so sure about giving it up again - because now I found several long lost luxuries, ONE -> I can switch my phone off ALL DAY LONG!!! I've never been so focused in my tasks for so many years, now I know why, because when I have to bloody 'report in' every fking hr my thoughts are gone.


Hey dude, how are you holding up these days?

Honestly, being with someone who requires that level of access is tiring and unsustainable. I'm surprised you did that at all, much less for that long! 😲


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## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> Thankfully not!
> 
> I'm going to get flamed for saying this.... but.... I like hair, and yes, I've passed on guys with thinning hair,so a bad toupee would be a hard pass for me.
> 
> So, we're you tempted to kill it with fire? 🤣🤣🤣


I was, but I hoped he'd eventually realize that it was stupid....especially since the rest of his body hair went grey but the toupee was jet black. But nope....he's still wearing it at 66 😅

I do like my bf's hair. He'll sometimes comment on the small thinning patch on the top, but I tell him that he's 6'3 and nobody can see it! 

But I wouldn't have passed on him if he'd lost his hair...he's awesome! The hairline is pretty far down on my list of concerns.


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## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Hey dude, how are you holding up these days?
> 
> Honestly, being with someone who requires that level of access is tiring and unsustainable. I'm surprised you did that at all, much less for that long! 😲


Did an update on my thread:



https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/threads/lost-my-soulmate.445412/page-10



I was in love I guess. Heh even with that level of access, discipline, keeping her at the forefront of my thoughts at all times it wasn't enough though along with other efforts I made, which I've come to realise over the last month.
The 30 day break was good for me, I needed to sink into my own thoughts and find myself again.


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## TXTrini

lifeistooshort said:


> I was, but I hoped he'd eventually realize that it was stupid....especially since the rest of his body hair went grey but the toupee was jet black. But nope....he's still wearing it at 66 😅
> 
> I do like my bf's hair. He'll sometimes comment on the small thinning patch on the top, but I tell him that he's 6'3 and nobody can see it!
> 
> But I wouldn't have passed on him if he'd lost his hair...he's awesome! The hairline is pretty far down on my list of concerns.


Ugh, that's caricature stuff right there! Maybe in his mind he's still 26, my ex freaked out when I pointed out some Grey hair.

Ok, maybe I made it sound like I was looking for Samson 😅 My bf has a few thinning spots too, but I guess I meant bald. I'd love to be less superficial, but bald is just not attractive to me. I won't leave my bf if he goes bald though, but that's bc I already love him.


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## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Did an update on my thread:
> 
> 
> 
> https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/threads/lost-my-soulmate.445412/page-10
> 
> 
> 
> I was in love I guess. Heh even with that level of access, discipline, keeping her at the forefront of my thoughts at all times it wasn't enough though along with other efforts I made, which I've come to realise over the last month.
> The 30 day break was good for me, I needed to sink into my own thoughts and find myself again.


Thanks for sharing, Dude. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it sounds like you grew a lot and are better for that relationship. 

The level of effort you expended was incredible, it must have been disappointing not to have that level of consideration appreciated or returned. You know, I'm trying to find a balance going forward too, bc some people will never appreciate things you do when you love someone. It's not about wanting repayment, it's about not being taken for granted and appreciated. 

I wish you better fortune when you decide to try again.


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## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Thanks for sharing, Dude. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it sounds like you grew a lot and are better for that relationship.
> 
> The level of effort you expended was incredible, it must have been disappointing not to have that level of consideration appreciated or returned. You know, I'm trying to find a balance going forward too, bc some people will never appreciate things you do when you love someone. It's not about wanting repayment, it's about not being taken for granted and appreciated.
> 
> I wish you better fortune when you decide to try again.


Yup, never appreciated, because it's all expected. I was her first long term relationship, so either she got her expectations from fantasy or I ruined her. Or both.
First year of our relationship - thousands of dollars spent, gifts and surprises on top of each other, silly I love you more games. Way to go RD 🤦‍♂️

This is the kinda bullet you shoot at your foot that somehow misses, then travels all around the world before it decides to smack you right at the back of your head!


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## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Yup, never appreciated, because it's all expected. I was her first long term relationship, so either she got her expectations from fantasy or I ruined her. Or both.
> First year of our relationship - thousands of dollars spent, gifts and surprises on top of each other, silly I love you more games. Way to go RD 🤦‍♂️
> 
> This is the kinda bullet you shoot at your foot that somehow misses, then travels all around the world before it decides to smack you right at the back of your head!


I understand the feeling, but you'll be appreciated by someone who knows that level of consideration is rare.

My bf still gushes when I make him breakfast when he's here bc I know he likes it (I'm indifferent and eat whatever). It's nice to hear a simple thank you and see genuine appreciation, don't settle for less the next time around. Anyway, so glad you're doing better!


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## DownByTheRiver

The rare times when marriage was in the wind, it would be the small things that would make me realize it would never work for me. Like one guy, we were kind of on the same path, but I eventually realized his friends were really boring and I hate spending time doing something I don't really want to do. 

The last time, it was a combination of being unable to think of a place we'd both want to live and then I have all these black antiques, and he couldn't imagine living with anything except brown wood. And also he had cats and even though I've had one in the past that I wasn't too allergic to, 99% of them are very allergic to. In the end it fizzled for other reasons. 

I just nearly always been on my own and can't even imagine answering to someone. I've been kind of autonomous since I was a kid, so none of it seemed natural to me.


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## jlg07

lifeistooshort said:


> But have you had to look at a ****ty toupee?
> 😅😅😅


So life was THIS your life????:


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## In Absentia

RebuildingMe said:


> She's gained over 50lbs and appears to have aged by 10 years.


It must a common theme with ex-wives... my wife's put about 2 stones on since we went separate ways...


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## lifeistooshort

jlg07 said:


> So life was THIS your life????:


Ha ha....someone did once compare it to a tarantula 😅


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## lifeistooshort

In Absentia said:


> It must a common theme with ex-wives... my wife's put about 2 stones on since we went separate ways...


I think my kids dad was hoping I would put on a bunch of weight when I left him.

Too bad for him...I've been running since middle school and he was always a **** about it, so without him I could run more.


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## Blondilocks

lifeistooshort said:


> Ha ha....someone did once compare it to a tarantula 😅


A cat would have had a field day with that critter. Did he sleep in it? Did you ever suggest that he update it to account for the grey on his chest?

I remember John Wayne had some really bad toupees. Sean Connery had superb toupees.


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## 2&out

Isn't "for a successful marriage their has to be compromise on both sides" pretty much an absolute, rule ? And being "single", one doesn't have to. In my world that is a MAJOR deal. I've become way to selfish to sacrifice or give in on much of anything for someone else. I know it, accept it, and I'm not even going to try.


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## LisaDiane




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## lifeistooshort

Blondilocks said:


> A cat would have had a field day with that critter. Did he sleep in it? Did you ever suggest that he update it to account for the grey on his chest?
> 
> I remember John Wayne had some really bad toupees. Sean Connery had superb toupees.


He didn't typically sleep in it and he did take it off when he was around me because he knew I thought it was stupid. He did run in it and got it sweaty, then would shower in it.....a phony like him had no problem pretending it was real 😅

I never said anything because I knew he was insecure and was having trouble getting older so I hoped he'd come to his own conclusions.

Also, he was such a **** to me because of his insecurity where he'd say things to tear me down (like making a point to let me know that he'd beat me in a race every time i didn't feel well or criticizing my training plan) that I was disinclined to do anything to help him out. 

In addition he was so surface and phony that I don't think it would've been received well. I once asked him about his thoughts on something his family used to do when he was growing up because I wanted to understand where he was coming from. He flew off the handle and told me he didn't have to "explain or justify himself". This came up in counseling and the counselor thought he was off his rocker. I literally couldn't talk to him about anything beyond sports and the weather.


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## TXTrini

DownByTheRiver said:


> The rare times when marriage was in the wind, it would be the small things that would make me realize it would never work for me. Like one guy, we were kind of on the same path, but I eventually realized his friends were really boring and I hate spending time doing something I don't really want to do.
> 
> The last time, it was a combination of being unable to think of a place we'd both want to live and then I have all these black antiques, and he couldn't imagine living with anything except brown wood. And also he had cats and even though I've had one in the past that I wasn't too allergic to, 99% of them are very allergic to. In the end it fizzled for other reasons.
> 
> I just nearly always been on my own and can't even imagine answering to someone. I've been kind of autonomous since I was a kid, so none of it seemed natural to me.


You know, you were probably more right about the friends than anything else. I noticed my ex changed, depending on who he spent time with, so once he picked up "iffy" friends, my hackles rose. They all smoked pot and one had a poly arrangement with his gf (including her sister!). I get that pot isn't a big deal to many people, but it's still illegal in Texas.
Anyways, I pay attention to people's friends, it tells me a lot about them and their secret desires.

It's easier to merge lives when you're younger, I have no clue how one goes about doing that after you each have separate households, and definitive ideas about where to live, how you do everyday things when you're older  

For you folks in a relationship, but not married, what are your living arrangements like?


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## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> You know, you were probably more right about the friends than anything else. I noticed my ex changed, depending on who he spent time with, so once he picked up "iffy" friends, my hackles rose. They all smoked pot and one had a poly arrangement with his gf (including her sister!). I get that pot isn't a big deal to many people, but it's still illegal in Texas.
> Anyways, I pay attention to people's friends, it tells me a lot about them and their secret desires.
> 
> It's easier to merge lives when you're younger, I have no clue how one goes about doing that after you each have separate households, and definitive ideas about where to live, how you do everyday things when you're older
> 
> For you folks in a relationship, but not married, what are your living arrangements like?


We don't live together as I still have both of my boys with me. He doesn't have any kids.

But we spend 5 nights a week together and my boys are 18 and 20 so it's not like they even notice I'm gone let alone care 😅

They can always find me.

I have a house and he has a small condo so he has stuff at my house. Our lives are pretty intertwined so I could see us living together at some point...maybe when my boys are on their own. I suppose we could do it now as everyone gets along fine but we don't live far apart so not in a rush.

I like the way things have developed organically.


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## TXTrini

lifeistooshort said:


> We don't live together as I still have both of my boys with me. He doesn't have any kids.
> 
> But we spend 5 nights a week together and my boys are 18 and 20 so it's not like they even notice I'm gone let alone care 😅
> 
> They can always find me.
> 
> I have a house and he has a small condo so he has stuff at my house. Our lives are pretty intertwined so I could see us living together at some point...maybe when my boys are on their own. I suppose we could do it now as everyone gets along fine but we don't live far apart so not in a rush.
> 
> I like the way things have developed organically.


Thanks for sharing, I'm curious b/c my bf has expressed his desire to live together at some point. I'm somewhat hesitant, he has kids, I don't, although they do not live with him. However, they're estranged, and there's some legal drama at the moment, plus I have some things I need to square away first anyway. 

Most of my hesitation comes from never living with a man I wasn't married or engaged and soon to be married, mostly due to cultural reasons. In my culture, no respectable woman does that and expects to marry well. It's somewhat less relevant now, b/c I'm 42 and not looking to have a family, but old habits die hard. 

Anyways, it's wonderful to see everyone's perspectives on this thread (and others like it), it gives me a lot to think about.


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## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> Thanks for sharing, I'm curious b/c my bf has expressed his desire to live together at some point. I'm somewhat hesitant, he has kids, I don't, although they do not live with him. However, they're estranged, and there's some legal drama at the moment, plus I have some things I need to square away first anyway.
> 
> Most of my hesitation comes from never living with a man I wasn't married or engaged and soon to be married, mostly due to cultural reasons. In my culture, no respectable woman does that and expects to marry well. It's somewhat less relevant now, b/c I'm 42 and not looking to have a family, but old habits die hard.
> 
> Anyways, it's wonderful to see everyone's perspectives on this thread (and others like it), it gives me a lot to think about.


Is marriage something you require? If so i might be hesitant to live together. I don't care at this point but my friend who I mentioned met her hb on Match told him directly that he wasn't moving in (he wanted to) without a ring and a date..she got both. They've been married a few years now and seem very happy. She has a grown son on his own and he had 3 grown kids on their own.

I'd be hesitant to live with a guy with kid drama so that might be something for you to observe.


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## Mr.Married

lifeistooshort said:


> Is marriage something you require? If so i might be hesitant to live together. I don't care at this point but my friend who I mentioned met her hb on Match told him directly that he wasn't moving in (he wanted to) without a ring and a date..she got both. They've been married a few years now and seem very happy. She has a grown son on his own and he had 3 grown kids on their own.
> 
> I'd be hesitant to live with a guy with kid drama so that might be something for you to observe.


My buddy has new wife step kid drama and it drives him insane !!


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## Arkansas

after 24 years and divorced to a cheating demon of a woman ... I went pretty much straight into another relationship

I vividly remember how lonely some nights were - I hate lonely

but ... I'm not rushing into marriage again, I see love/life/relationships differently now and I do what I want, when I want and if she doesn't like it then she needs to tell me so I can leave and she can find someone more compatible. I'm committed, but I'm going to go fishing and hunting when I want to. 

I have much more money now without a wife, that's a big difference. I miss my in-laws, my sister in law and her family. I miss them bunches.


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## TXTrini

lifeistooshort said:


> Is marriage something you require? If so i might be hesitant to live together. I don't care at this point but my friend who I mentioned met her hb on Match told him directly that he wasn't moving in (he wanted to) without a ring and a date..she got both. They've been married a few years now and seem very happy. She has a grown son on his own and he had 3 grown kids on their own.
> 
> I'd be hesitant to live with a guy with kid drama so that might be something for you to observe.


How old was your friend and her husband when they met? 

Honestly, I don't know yet, still figuring things out for myself after the recent divorce. He's ok if I decide I don't want to live together, I'm OK if he never wants to get married. It's not like there's any rush, right? 



Mr.Married said:


> My buddy has new wife step kid drama and it drives him insane !!


It doesn't bother me, honestly. It's his mother that's the problem, the poor kid is having it really hard atm. He's 17, so it's not like there would be years of it, that's the reason I was not interested in men with young kids.


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## ConanHub

lifeistooshort said:


> Beef on the hoof....
> 
> That is fantastic!


Another brilliant phrase I will be stealing!😆

Thank you @Blondilocks !

I have to be careful with this one though.😈


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## Goobertron

It's hard for me to want to be in a relationship. I love being single. I have my own house, car, money, financial plan, time with my child. I have a range of hobbies and interests. I've been researching my family tree. My ex-wife didn't deserve me and I'm lucky to not be in a long term relationship. I'd never approach a woman or seek to be in a committed relationship with a woman again. It's not worth the risk and they're harder than ever to "keep happy" and as the husband that's your job if you want to stay married and most marriages fail. In fact the more someone gets married the more likely they are to get divorced. So it's almost a form of learned behaviour for women in particular to become unhappy with their selection of life-mate.


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## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> How old was your friend and her husband when they met?
> 
> Honestly, I don't know yet, still figuring things out for myself after the recent divorce. He's ok if I decide I don't want to live together, I'm OK if he never wants to get married. It's not like there's any rush, right?
> 
> 
> It doesn't bother me, honestly. It's his mother that's the problem, the poor kid is having it really hard atm. He's 17, so it's not like there would be years of it, that's the reason I was not interested in men with young kids.


I'm thinking she was 48 and he was 52 or 53.

She was diagnosed with stage 1 cancer right after they got married and he was there through everything. She's considered cured, though she does need to be scanned periodically.


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## Elizabeth001

Goobertron said:


> It's hard for me to want to be in a relationship. I love being single. I have my own house, car, money, financial plan, time with my child. I have a range of hobbies and interests. I've been researching my family tree. My ex-wife didn't deserve me and I'm lucky to not be in a long term relationship. I'd never approach a woman or seek to be in a committed relationship with a woman again. It's not worth the risk and they're harder than ever to "keep happy" and as the husband that's your job if you want to stay married and most marriages fail. In fact the more someone gets married the more likely they are to get divorced. So it's almost a form of learned behaviour for women in particular to become unhappy with their selection of life-mate.


Honestly…I kinda want to like this…until I don’t. 

I guess I’m not ready then. lol  


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm thinking she was 48 and he was 52 or 53.
> 
> She was diagnosed with stage 1 cancer right after they got married and he was there through everything. She's considered cured, though she does need to be scanned periodically.


How lovely! I didn't think there were men like that left. Most divorced men seem so unwilling to consider anything real, at least from what I've seen here on TAM.


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## ConanHub

Goobertron said:


> It's hard for me to want to be in a relationship. I love being single. I have my own house, car, money, financial plan, time with my child. I have a range of hobbies and interests. I've been researching my family tree. My ex-wife didn't deserve me and I'm lucky to not be in a long term relationship. I'd never approach a woman or seek to be in a committed relationship with a woman again. It's not worth the risk and they're harder than ever to "keep happy" and as the husband that's your job if you want to stay married and most marriages fail. In fact the more someone gets married the more likely they are to get divorced. So it's almost a form of learned behaviour for women in particular to become unhappy with their selection of life-mate.


I actually require my wife to please me and I'm not afraid to spank her when she doesn't.

We've been together over thirty years, 26 married, so I might be onto something.😉


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## Personal

I didn't do "single" divorced life as a middle aged man, so I was 22 when I got divorced. Yet for me being divorced was mostly lots of fun and I wasn't lonely. Sure there were some quiet periods, when I was away or when I wasn't putting myself out there to play with others. Yet a lot of my time was spent having lots of hedonistic fun with a variety of women (including my now wife).

For me being single, living together, married or divorced have all been kind of similar. In that I do what I want, I have fun, I enjoy life as it comes and I pick myself up and get on again if things go wrong.

So many people (not all) on TAM, whinge about the whole ball and chain carry on, or they keep looking over their shoulder, or they don't have sex when they're married. Yet many (not all) of those that whinge about it, don't paint a pretty picture about dating life either.

Yet that hasn't been my experience, of being married, single or divorced.

Likewise although I am married to my wife who I have been with for 25 years (22 married), it's still a lot like when we were dating, oodles of shared sex, we still date, we still have fun, we give each other space as well. I still go out with other friends when I want to (lockdowns permitting) and that includes women alone. I still choose what I do, I don't ask for permission, I don't do anything I don't want to do on and on etc.

Also in being married to my wife when I was near to turning 29 and she was near to turning 30, though it was my second marriage, it was my wife's first and she had no kids. So given parental alienation issues, my wife and I didn't have any issues with blending families.

At the end of the day if I ever find myself widowed or divorced going forward. It certainly won't be the end of the world, since it will simply be the beginning of a new adventure.


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## Blondilocks

Personal said:


> So many people (not all) on TAM, *whinge *about the whole ball and chain carry on


T/J I've often wondered if you were misspelling 'whine' or had a butterfinger. So, I looked it up and the Brits really do use both whine and whinge. This is a word that could be like the Inuits having dozens of words for 'snow'. We Americans only use 'whine' and 'snow'. We're boring. end T/J


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## Goodatheart11

Divorce just finalized last week so maybe being single again is still too new, but I hate it. I liked being married, before finding out the worst of course. I was happier. I don’t think I have the ability to compete at my age in the world as it is, so consumed by social media. 

I guess it depends on where you are coming from. In my mind I was in a good spot in life before the cheating was discovered. Single life was basically forced on me and I’m not into it at all.


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## drencrom

Goodatheart11 said:


> Divorce just finalized last week so maybe being single again is still too new, but I hate it. I liked being married, before finding out the worst of course. I was happier. I don’t think I have the ability to compete at my age in the world as it is, so consumed by social media.
> 
> I guess it depends on where you are coming from. In my mind I was in a good spot in life before the cheating was discovered. Single life was basically forced on me and I’m not into it at all.


To each their own. Don't worry about competing. Use this time to work on yourself, hit the gym. Go out with friends, Vegas maybe. Have fun. If you are looking for a relationship, let it come naturally.

I felt the same way, but after getting out and realizing I can go where I want, when I want, and doing thing with friends, I ended up loving being single so much that I actually no longer seek a relationship.
You may be different, but at least focus on yourself and get out and try to have a little fun and a life.


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## RandomDude

Goodatheart11 said:


> Divorce just finalized last week so maybe being single again is still too new, but I hate it. I liked being married, before finding out the worst of course. I was happier. I don’t think I have the ability to compete at my age in the world as it is, so consumed by social media.
> 
> I guess it depends on where you are coming from. In my mind I was in a good spot in life before the cheating was discovered. Single life was basically forced on me and I’m not into it at all.


It's a different kind of happy being with someone that you love. Single life won't forfill the same holes sure, but it will definitely forfill other ones you've neglected over the years. Just take the time to find yourself again, what makes you who you are and what makes you happy. You can be selfish again, embrace it.

As for competing at your age, just put yourself out there and see what happens. I was pleasantly surprised at the response, but right now I'd rather let them all go.


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## WasDecimated

Being single is everything I thought it would be, but not what I hoped it would be.

I’ve been divorced for almost 9 years. I knew that after I divorced XWW my life would never be the same. It was a big deflection point for me.

Before I met her, I was slightly introverted. My imagination and creativity gave me purpose. Knowing and being married to her brought me out of my shell. I was much more social and fun loving but I had to let go of a lot of me-time. That was the compromise but I was fine with it. I loved being a husband and a father. I deeply loved her, our kids and our life. It was worth the tradeoff.

When I discovered what was going on and divorced her, it crushed my soul. It instantly wiped out the foundation of everything that had become important to me as well as my desire to be social and outgoing. I transformed back to being an introvert. I fell back on my imagination and creativity to give me purpose. It became my escape until I would meet the woman that would help fill this void.

I tried OLD for a while but the quality was just not that high but their list of demands was. I do not date anyone currently and I don’t even approach women. I don’t seem to be attracted to anyone anyway. The older I get, the less interested I am in investing so much time and effort into a relationship that could be unilaterally destroyed. I guess you could say that part of me just died.

My children (now college students) live with me so I have plenty of interaction and love for them but they are very self-reliant and don’t need to be hovered over. I have many friends but they are all married so I am always the odd man out.

That being said, my life is fulfilling to a certain extent, I am content. However, I am not as happy as I was. It can be cold and lonely. I miss the intimacy and sex part immensely but I’m old school when I comes to sex. I need to be emotionally attached before I go there but that means being emotionally vulnerable. I can’t bring myself to do that.

On the bright side, I can now do anything I want, I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. I do not have to ask for permission or compromise on anything. Most importantly, I don’t have to worry about being betrayed. There are so many positives aspects to being single that I have grown to enjoy. Unless I happened to find a women that is a saint, I have low confidence that I will ever be in a close relationship again.


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