# Should I be worried?



## Abstract Annie (Sep 13, 2012)

So I need some advice, mainly from men, on whether this is 'normal', and if not, what to do.

Hubby and I have a reasonably good sex life. I've asked, he says he's happy. Here's the thing though, he's watching quite a bit of porn.

He admitted to me recently he goes to the bathroom at work 3-4 times a week to 'take care of business' and watches porn in his phone to help him along...is that normal? He will often do it at home while I'm not there too. In fact, just about anytime I'm not there, and the kids are sleeping, he's taking care of himself. I'm not opposed to porn, and will even watch it with him on occasion, but isn't this a little much? Do you think it's hit 'addiction' stage?

He sees nothing wrong with it, I've chosen not to nag about it. I am worried it'll snowball though. I'm worried that soon (if not already) I won't be enough, and he'll be happy to just deal with matters himself. 

We've had fidelity issues in the past, where he was talking inappropriately with an old school friend online, but I discovered it before it had moved to real life (though plans were made). This new development doesn't fill me with confidence.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old is he?

C


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think a conversation about giving each other the right of first refusal would be in order.

masturbating in the rest room at work and watching porn on his phone seems a bit much.

how often do you have sex? do you asks what he likes and try to do it within reason? does he do the same for you? 

I think he is flirting with disaster thats risky behavior to be rubbing one out at work 3-4 times a week while looking at porn on your phone. 

maybe tell him to save himself for you and you try to make an effort to be more sexual.


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## Abstract Annie (Sep 13, 2012)

He's 36. 

We've been having sex about 4 times a week, which doesn't sound like much, but we have two kids out of three that are very difficult sleepers. We don't get as much alone time as we would both like, and have no family around to watch the kids.

We've discussed fantasies, and I've been willing to try within reason. One of his biggest fantasies though, is watching me take care of myself while he takes care of himself, which also suggests to me that he prefers his own company. He tells me I'm the best lover he's had, but his actions seem to be proving otherwise.


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## Abstract Annie (Sep 13, 2012)

And 9 times out of 10 it's me making the first move. So I just don't get it.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Porn at work is just immature. Seriously, you can wait until you get home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

If I had a wife like you I wouldn't feel the need to masterbate. AND you make the first move most of the time?! Yes I would be worried. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'd be worried too. That's just odd that a 36 year old man can't wait until he gets home.


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## Feel-Free (Sep 22, 2013)

Abstract Annie said:


> One of his biggest fantasies though, is watching me take care of myself while he takes care of himself, which also suggests to me that he prefers his own company.


Thanks Annie. Looking at your quote above, one of the distinctions between a man being sexual around watching porn and being sexual with his wife is that porn is by nature 'voyeuristic' and there is a unique arousal that comes from this kind of sexual stimulus.

This voyeuristic arousal is very ego-centric, personal and self-fulfilling, and does not usually engage emotionally or in reality with the 'pornographic partner.' It is, indeed, mostly about getting off and getting to that orgasm with purpose and efficiency.

On the other hand, there is also his sex life with you, a real person, with real opinions and in a real relationship with him. Getting off or getting to each of your orgasms is significantly more complex than masturbating to some porn. Sure, porn can be utilized and shared with both partners, but ultimately this sex is about the partner too, not just yourself. 

So, my point is, it's natural for him to want to have some 'voyeuristic' sex with you, in addition to the up front, real close intercourse sex. For most men I know, the porn/voyeur arousal is so awesome that it may become overused and even addictive, yes. Each man has his own needs that each 'kind' of sex I've spoken of here can satisfy.

My advice: keep an open dialog with him around sex. See if he agrees with what I've said here about the clear distinction between porn and husband/wife sexual arousal. Ask him to consider his feelings: does he feel honestly just that horny to have to masturbate so often or is there something else that he's compensating for that you may be able to help him with? Is he stressed? Is he happy? Does he like/enjoy being a father/husband with you?

Also, obviously, you want to be aware of your own needs sexually speaking: is he providing enough attention, comfort, attraction, lust, desire, etc. for you? 

Look forward to any progress reports.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> He admitted to me recently he goes to the bathroom at work 3-4 times a week to 'take care of business' and watches porn in his phone to help him along...is that normal?


That doesn't sound normal to me. That sounds inappropriate and excessive. He'd better hope he never gets caught because then he'll be the guy who got caught masturbating in the toilet at work. Eplaining that on job interviews won't be fun.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I can't imagine it's a career-enhancer. A married guy getting himself off isn't necessarily a problem if he's still taking care of you. I wonder what he finds arousing at work. If it's a flesh and blood co-worker, that could end up being a problem. If he's looking at porn on a company computer, that's a disaster waiting to happen. Sex aint always about sex for a guy. It's also a stress-reliever. I was interested in your story about his fantasy concerning watching you get off. The porn, the masturbation and the fantasy of having you get off for him might have to do with feeding some voyeurism but I wonder if it might also be about control. He's directing each of these activities and he's entirely in control of the action. If you're up to it, you might try giving him a night where he's 100% in charge. If he feeds this fantasy at home, maybe doing so at work or behind your back won't happen so often. He may not feel in charge of much of anything in his life, between work, kids, etc. It's just a little odd that this happens so often at work, I think.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I find it interesting how our perspectives change with the situations we are in. First of all your saying 4x/week is not a lot. That is much higher than average, especially considering your situation with younger children. Secondly the wondering if jacking off at work is okay. Let me ask you - how high and dry would your family be if he gets caught jacking off in the bathroom while watching porn while he's at work? That is risky behavior. He is putting your entire family at risk. When any behavior invades the work space - whatever your addiction may be - that's over the line. Work is your livelihood and your stability that you provide for your family. You should not be drinking, binging, purging, ****ing or jacking off on the company dime. It's a bad time in history to be unemployed.

(Please note that I am not anti-porn.)


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## Kdolo14 (Oct 20, 2013)

Yea, I would be worried as well. If your initiating and 4Xs a week is the norm, he should be satisfied


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## Abstract Annie (Sep 13, 2012)

I just finished having a little chat about this with him. A few interesting things came up..

He's been doing this for nearly 3 years, so much longer than I realized. He's now saying he'll stop jerking off at work, but after 3 years to just stop like that. I don't believe him, even though he believes himself. If he were caught at work, we really would be in bad shape. He is the sole earner at this point. I'm at home looking after 3 kids, one of which who has a learning disability. 

I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that he is a lazy lover, he prefers porn and his hand because there is no seducing involved. We often talk about his fantasies, but mine get little airplay. When I suggest little things he can do to spice things up and make it more exciting for me, he is reluctant. He says he isn't, but his tone and actions prove otherwise. He has a high sex drive, and I'm wanting it more too, so why is that so difficult for him? Why do I have to do all the work? 

It's beginning to make me feel used, and unappreciated.


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

Can we get a little more context here?
Is he physically fit?
Is there any opportunity for him to do himself at home, before he goes to work?
Personally, even when the wife and I were doing it daily, I'd still be getting a bit on the side so to speak. The reason is because porn is a fantasy world. I wouldn't actually want my wife to do half the **** I watch.
As for doing it at work, this may be as simple as opportunity presenting itself.
Maybe I'm just an extreme HD kind of guy? Dunno.
Either way, is it possible that he doesn't initiate with you because you're so willing to initiate? I find that my wifes desires are highly unpredictable. Is it possible that he's just sick of being knocked back or possibly doesn't deal well with rejection?
Food for thought maybe.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Abstract Annie said:


> I just finished having a little chat about this with him....


Do you feel like you're a stronger person than he is? If so, I'm assuming he senses this and it get expressed sexually. I'm actually starting to think that many sexual problems are expressions of one spouse feeling weak and using sexuality to address the power imbalance. Hummm.


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## Abstract Annie (Sep 13, 2012)

You make a good point, bestyet2be. 

I don't WANT to be the 'stronger' one in the relationship, but it's where I've kind of ended up. I have told him I want him to take charge a bit more, in all areas of the relationship. I will try and step back and let him take over, but he either shrinks back, or becomes almost...****y. Like he'll have a "I'm gonna go out and you can stay home and make me a sandwich" attitude. Its odd. I'm the one who does the traditional cooking, cleaning, childcare, finances, I don't get to go out with friends of have time to myself without at least one child in tow; alternatively he goes out often with mates, work and his sporting club...yet I seem to emotionally take on the more dominant role.

Definitely food for thought.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think he has a boring job with lots of idle time.

4x a week is pretty damn good if you ask me. he is aproaching addiction to sex and porn. does he have any hobbies? maybe its time to start looking for a more fullfilling job. the best time to look for a job is when you already have one. Interviewing is less stressfull and your more confident because you don't need a job.


I would also start looking for a job for yourself or at least start building some employable skills. maybe take some classes or get a certificate in a field that you will have something to fall back on. 

so now think too yourself is this what you want in a marriage? start working on yourself and play aloof. don't be sh*tty about it just casually start doing more for you.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you taken him to marriage counseling? 

He should thank his lucky stars for the frequency of sex and he should be interested in helping you with the suggestions that you send his way, regarding your desires.

A person can be addicted to porn, and he is in a fantasy world, escaping from real life, with this much porn.


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## Abstract Annie (Sep 13, 2012)

He is already looking for a new employer as his current one is quite unappreciative of his skills, it's just not that easy at the moment.

It is nigh impossible for me to return to work at this stage. There is no one to care for the kids, two are under school age and the eldest has a learning disability. I have employable skills, and I've currently deferred my Bachelor degree. The cost of childcare outweighs the amount of money I'd bring in at this point. I have every intention of working once the younger kids are in school, and completing my degree as soon as possible. DH fully supports this decision, and is keen for the kids to have a full time mum while they're so young. I am looking forward to not being so housebound though.


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## Abstract Annie (Sep 13, 2012)

We've done marriage counseling through the church, but to be honest it did more harm than good. They pretty much told him that I would make him pay for his little slip up forever (not true) and that I should be a good Christian woman and forgive and forget...this was just a few weeks after I discovered what was going on, I was not ready for that yet. 

I think perhaps a return to counseling, but not in a church setting, would be a good idea.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Abstract Annie said:


> You make a good point, bestyet2be.
> 
> I don't WANT to be the 'stronger' one in the relationship, but it's where I've kind of ended up. I have told him I want him to take charge a bit more,...


Maybe you've been going on borrowed energy. Maybe if he sees you actually faulter, he'll step up.

Ever read Kafka's _The Metamorphosis_? I had to read it way back in school. After the protagonist turned into a helpless dung beetle, everyone else in the family stepped up. His formerly nearly invalid father went out, got a job, and became much happier for it.


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## YourKnotAnUdderFailure (Oct 25, 2013)

I already wrote something about it here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/5097786-post134.html

I'll basically sum it up. Husbands masturbate in private because we don't want to emotionally harm you. I like anal, and enjoy it when girls deepthroat, etc. Things my wife (and probably you) don't like. We're not going to force you to do something you don't want to do. You were also raised from a religious background, and these things are pretty taboo. We don't want our wives to think us as perverted sickos.

Here's what you can do (in order from worse to best things you can do):
1. Nagging him and telling him to stop.
2. Just let him do his thing.
3. Try to catch him when he's doing it, but instead of saying anything, get on your knees and help out. That you're okay with it, and when you're in the mood you'll join in, is immensely welcoming.
4. Do #3, but also change up your sexual lifestyle. Ask him if he wants to do what you see him watching from porn, but be willing to do it. Be it anal, facial, swallowing, threesome, etc. If you're don't think you can, then stick with #2 or #3.


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