# Looking ahead.



## bbelmont (Feb 8, 2010)

I am currently in a 5 year long relationship. Let me preface this by saying i really want to get married to my current GF. we have a loving relationship and we still enjoy each others company. 

After 5 years we still do not live together, allow me to explain, I just graduated college and got certified in my field of work less than a year ago. I am still working part time at a low income job, she is still in school herself with no job so living together is fiscally impossible. That being said i need some advice.

My GF is currently living with a verbally abusive mother. Ive witnessed a few of these bouts and ive done some research, its pretty much textbook verbally abusive parent. It leads to bouts of depression that have absolutely nothing to do with her mother, for instance she is at the moment convinced that "No one likes her" when referring to friends. Here is the problem. When she drops into these depressions, NOTHING i say or do matters or helps. if i disagree and say something like "no no people like you fine" she just gets upset at me and acts like i "just don't understand". so i try getting her presents or chocolates to help out, but that only works for literally about 2 hours. it makes me feel absolutely helpless and powerless to do anything for her emotionally. 

along with these random depressions (these have been going on for quite some time), Ive noticed startling patterns in behavior towards me that are closely resembling things that her mom does to her. a small for instance, one of the main complaints the GF tells me about is how her mom keeps her awake or even steals her bed at night, making her stay up at obscene hours of the night. she then comes over on weekends and gives me a hard time when i try to get to bed. her methods ALWAYS differ from her mothers, but the core of the situation is the same. 

I need help in this, because i really want to move in with her and get married but at the same time im thinking to the future and wondering will our relationship be like her and her mothers if i dont do something soon? will i end up at the wrong end of a verbally abusive spouse? and at the same time i feel emotionally powerless when she feels bad, how can i bring myself to marry into that situation? any help here would be awesome. 

much thanks,


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## sandyrose (Feb 9, 2010)

It sounds like you really love this girl and care about her alot. Every relationship that you are in are going to have there problems. Before you even get married you should try to live with her first to see if she picked up her mother traits. My mother is very verbal abusive as well… When I was in a relationship with my boyfriend at the time I did the same things to him..(it was hard not to because it is learned behavior). But when I am not around her or talk to her for some time I am a different person. As long as she is living with her mom she is always going to act that way. Buying her candy is not going to help. You should have her go see a therapist that well help her self esteem. Just listen to her and be there for her…That always helped me…


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