# Trouble with mixing my parent's and in laws



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Some people will be aware of my marriage issues from other threads but there is another issue i'd like advice on.
My Wife and I have been together for 21 years, as were 17 when we met we needed the support from both our parents. 

Unfortunately we made the mistake of socialising with both her parents and mine. And also going on big family holidays and days out together. Our close friends also do this with their parents and we generally all go out in a big group. 

My in laws are generally easy going people. If were on holiday they'll just go with the flow and let us spend time on our own etc. 

The issue now stems however with my parents. My main problem being my Mums drinking. She drinks every night at home. When we're on holiday she'll go around 4pm to get ready for the nights meal and comes out on a different planet to everyone else. Then my Dad gets angry and they start bickering. 

When it comes to having a meal with my Mum, she'll moan right the way through it. It's overcooked, or the portion is too big. Then she'll offer her food to everyone else about 2 mins after is arrived. She'll also moan about everyone elses food. The other night she stuck her fork into my Dads steak when he was happily eating it. 

Other people have mentioned about how Mum is, she generally looks miserable on nights out or days out and very rarely bothers with our children. My Brother and his Wife won't let my Mum mind their children overnight because of her drinking. 

My Wife is now saying she doesn't want to do anything with them anymore as it just brings the day or holiday down. I agree to be fair but now my Dad is getting angry because he thinks they're getting left out which sometimes they are for that reason but sometimes they're not. He doesn't want to spend time with my Mum on her own because of the way she is. My Dad's best friend said to me a couple of weeks ago why do you think we don't go on holiday with them anymore.

How do i approach this? I just feel like i'm stuck in the middle. On our last holiday my Dad and my younger brother who lives with them both said they were going to do something about me mums drinking when they get home but nothings happened. If i say to my Dad people are saying they don't enjoy spending time with my Mum because the way she is he will just get angry because he doesn't know any other way to deal with things. Then if i tell my Mum she's going to be upset and probably drink more.

It's come to a bit of a head because all of us including other friends were going for a day at the races on Saturday. My Wife cancelled me of it because of our marriage issues and my family (i'd been caught seeing someone else so thats a side issue). She was angry at the time and obviously didn't envisage wanting to be out with them after what i'd done. Anyway it looks like my wife and i are reconciling and i'm now going on the race day. There is one ticket left. I was supposed to be going out with my parents and my brother and his wife. Now my sister in law knows i'm not going with them she's saying she's not going out with just my Mum and Dad and my brother. So this has caused trouble!

I just don't know what to do for the best. It's caused arguments for me with my wife in the past (before the separation) because she doesn't want to include them in anything and i'm the one getting the anger from my Dad. 
They've always been included in most things so they both just think they're getting left now. How do i resolve this?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tell your dad to man up and take care of his problem.

No one needs to be subjected to an asshat which your mother is.

You are under no obligation to be subjected to her idiocy and you are responsible for protecting your family from her.

Tell your dad that he needs to deal with her because no one else needs to as it is not their responsibility.

I would tell your mom, point blank, that she isn't invited around family activities until she has successfully completed some sort of 12 step program with documented proof of her progress.

Tell your dad that he can occasionally visit with your family as he isn't a direct problem but your mom is out until she gets better.

Your dad is a wimp enabler. He should get a bit of help as well, like maybe a support group for spouses of alcoholics.

Draw a line and protect your family.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I would hope your family would realize that spending time with your wife and family when you're trying to save your marriage has to take precedence over going out with them. Apologize to all involved and ask them to cut you some slack as you're trying to reconcile and have to have your wife's needs/requests at the top of your priority list right now.


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Tell your dad to man up and take care of his problem.
> 
> No one needs to be subjected to an asshat which your mother is.
> 
> ...


I've had discussions with my Dad over it, he just said i've had enough she can drink herself to death i've tried and it's been going on for years. When he said he's tried, he's emptied the house of alcohol years ago and thats probably about it. Then he's got angry with her when she's had a drink. I don't think he's ever taken her to the doctors or an AA program etc.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, you married your husband, not his family.

Some families, some cultures fly in the face of this.

And they forget to silence their buts, wipe their butts prior to the intrusions.

Ach!





[THM] SCM


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> I would hope your family would realize that spending time with your wife and family when you're trying to save your marriage has to take precedence over going out with them. Apologize to all involved and ask them to cut you some slack as you're trying to reconcile and have to have your wife's needs/requests at the top of your priority list right now.


Yes my Mum understands this. And this is what i told her. My Dad is angry because he thinks he's just getting left out again probably. I've apologised to them all and said it's my fault they're not going out with us on Saturday.

However it doesn't solve the issue long term. Although i'm also thinking i need to sort things out with my Wife first before dealing with them. I'm currently living with my parents at the moment so it's not an easy situation!


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Tell your dad to man up and take care of his problem.
> 
> No one needs to be subjected to an asshat which your mother is.
> 
> ...


Agree with this however my Parents have kindly let me live back with them for the last 8 weeks and although thankfully it looks like i may be moving back home shortly i don't want to say that to her just now!.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BIL310 said:


> I've had discussions with my Dad over it, he just said i've had enough she can drink herself to death i've tried and it's been going on for years. When he said he's tried, he's emptied the house of alcohol years ago and thats probably about it. Then he's got angry with her when she's had a drink. I don't think he's ever taken her to the doctors or an AA program etc.


That still isn't your problem, that your dad can't deal effectively with his problem.

Your responsibility is with taking care of your family.

Cut her off and your dad as well if he won't agree to your terms to guard your family and their well being.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BIL310 said:


> Agree with this however my Parents have kindly let me live back with them for the last 8 weeks and although thankfully it looks like i may be moving back home shortly i don't want to say that to her just now!.


Protecting your family should still be your top priority.

I would risk her wrath to protect my wife and children.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

BIL310 said:


> I've had discussions with my Dad over it, he just said i've had enough she can drink herself to death i've tried and it's been going on for years. When he said he's tried, he's emptied the house of alcohol years ago and thats probably about it. Then he's got angry with her when she's had a drink. I don't think he's ever taken her to the doctors or an AA program etc.


Sadly, bringing her to a doctor or AA is not going to help unless SHE wants to stop drinking. And she won't want to stop drinking until she realizes she has something to lose if she doesn't.

It's completely unfair to blame your father for her wrongdoings. It is very hard for the spouse of an alcoholic to know how to handle the drinking. I'm sure he feels as if threatening to leave would be abandoning her. He might benefit from joining Alanon or at least reading some of their literature. The only person you can blame for her drinking, is your Mom.

You are in a tough spot for sure.


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> Sadly, bringing her to a doctor or AA is not going to help unless SHE wants to stop drinking. And she won't want to stop drinking until she realizes she has something to lose if she doesn't.
> 
> It's completely unfair to blame your father for her wrongdoings. It is very hard for the spouse of an alcoholic to know how to handle the drinking. I'm sure he feels as if threatening to leave would be abandoning her. He might benefit from joining Alanon or at least reading some of their literature. The only person you can blame for her drinking, is your Mom.
> 
> You are in a tough spot for sure.


She denies she has a drink problem for sure. But the difference in her between the day and night time is clearly visible. She's got no life. She looks after the house and does all the household chores and goes shopping a couple of times a week but other than that she very rarely leaves the house. Sits watching TV of a night and doesn't have any hobbies. She says she's happy with that.


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> Sadly, bringing her to a doctor or AA is not going to help unless SHE wants to stop drinking. And she won't want to stop drinking until she realizes she has something to lose if she doesn't.
> 
> It's completely unfair to blame your father for her wrongdoings. It is very hard for the spouse of an alcoholic to know how to handle the drinking. I'm sure he feels as if threatening to leave would be abandoning her. He might benefit from joining Alanon or at least reading some of their literature. The only person you can blame for her drinking, is your Mom.
> 
> You are in a tough spot for sure.


I'm not blaming my Father for her drinking, i'm blaming him for not attempting to deal with the situation other than in anger and also for getting on his high horse about them not getting invited to things. Surely he must think why? Knowing full well how my Mum is.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Right now your job is to do the heavy lifting to recover from YOUR cheating.

If your wife, who you betrayed, doesn't want to be around your mom, suck it up.


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> Right now your job is to do the heavy lifting to recover from YOUR cheating.
> 
> If your wife, who you betrayed, doesn't want to be around your mom, suck it up.


Yes couldn't agree more and i'm happy to do that.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

BIL310 said:


> I'm not blaming my Father for her drinking, i'm blaming him for not attempting to deal with the situation other than in anger and also for getting on his high horse about them not getting invited to things. Surely he must think why? Knowing full well how my Mum is.


I was more responding to a couple of posts that intimated he was at fault. I should have quoted them, sorry.

He needs individual counseling himself or to join Alanon to learn how to deal with it. And him learning to "deal with it" is to realize he can't take responsibility for it and can't change her behavior, only how he reacts to it. He should just start going out without her and when she asks why, be honest. If he's the type to clean up after her, put her to bed, apologize for her behavior, he needs to stop all that. There's not much else he can do about it unless he wants to divorce her.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and watched my Mom try to fix him for years. It wasn't until she learned she couldn't stop or fix him that she found her peace. I feel for you and your Dad.


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> I was more responding to a couple of posts that intimated he was at fault. I should have quoted them, sorry.
> 
> He needs individual counseling himself or to join Alanon to learn how to deal with it. And him learning to "deal with it" is to realize he can't take responsibility for it and can't change her behavior, only how he reacts to it. He should just start going out without her and when she asks why, be honest. If he's the type to clean up after her, put her to bed, apologize for her behavior, he needs to stop all that. There's not much else he can do about it unless he wants to divorce her.
> 
> I grew up with an alcoholic father and watched my Mom try to fix him for years. It wasn't until she learned she couldn't stop or fix him that she found her peace. I feel for you and your Dad.


My Dad is the opposite. He goes out with his friends twice and week and just leaves me Mum to her own devices. As long as the dinner is there on time and the house is clean he's happy from what i've observed. It's when they're not getting invited to group things he's gets the hump.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

BIL310 said:


> My Dad is the opposite. He goes out with his friends twice and week and just leaves me Mum to her own devices. As long as the dinner is there on time and the house is clean he's happy from what i've observed. It's when they're not getting invited to group things he's gets the hump.


Well, I'm glad he gets out and away from it at least. I don't blame him for not wanting to be left out but it's not fair to get angry at everyone else about it. He should be angry at her. He could always start doing these group things without her since nobody wants to be around her. Learning that all the other parents are invited but her might just open her eyes to her problem.

Wish there were easy answers for you.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

BIL310 said:


> My wife cancelled me of it because of our marriage issues and my family (i'd been caught seeing someone else so thats a side issue).


Talk about rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

Yes, just keep on thinking that the problem you need to talk to an anonymous forum about is your mother's bad behavior....


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

BIL310 said:


> Some people will be aware of my marriage issues from other threads but there is another issue i'd like advice on.
> My Wife and I have been together for 21 years, as were 17 when we met we needed the support from both our parents.
> 
> Unfortunately we made the mistake of socialising with both her parents and mine. And also going on big family holidays and days out together. Our close friends also do this with their parents and we generally all go out in a big group.
> ...


That your Dad is frustrated and angry with his wife is not your problem. That your Mom is an alcoholic is also not your problem. Tell them honestly, as kindly as you can, that you will not be socializing with them anymore. When they get angry or upset, tell them that you are sorry that they feel that way but you need to put your family first.



> It's come to a bit of a head because all of us including other friends were going for a day at the races on Saturday. My Wife cancelled me of it because of our marriage issues and my family (i'd been caught seeing someone else so thats a side issue). She was angry at the time and obviously didn't envisage wanting to be out with them after what i'd done. Anyway it looks like my wife and i are reconciling and i'm now going on the race day. There is one ticket left. I was supposed to be going out with my parents and my brother and his wife. Now my sister in law knows i'm not going with them she's saying she's not going out with just my Mum and Dad and my brother. So this has caused trouble!
> 
> I just don't know what to do for the best. It's caused arguments for me with my wife in the past (before the separation) because she doesn't want to include them in anything and i'm the one getting the anger from my Dad.
> They've always been included in most things so they both just think they're getting left now. How do i resolve this?


Distance. Tell them honestly but as kindly as you can manage, then only speak to them when they can maintain some modicum of respect for you.

P.S. You refer to stuff about yoru situation that I don't know. So I don't know if the back story influences this.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Get your dad the book "Co-dependent No More" by Melanie Beattie.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

BIL310 said:


> I've had discussions with my Dad over it, he just said i've had enough she can drink herself to death i've tried and it's been going on for years. When he said he's tried, he's emptied the house of alcohol years ago and thats probably about it. Then he's got angry with her when she's had a drink. I don't think he's ever taken her to the doctors or an AA program etc.


The thing is, your dad can't fix her. He can't make her go to AA or the doctor, or anywhere else. She has to want to do those things, and clearly, for whatever reason, she doesn't. The only person who can fix this problem, is her.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Intervention ... but as stated if she doesn't want to quit she won't.

Invite your Dad and invite your Mom with the caveat that she is sober. If she can't handle that then Dad goes alone.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Haven't read all of the responses. 

My advice? Throw the grenade in the room.

Your description indicates that everyone simply accepts her bad behavior, and their own discomfort.

Flip that script. Be the guy that makes HER uncomfortable by calling out her bad behavior.

She will either a. dial back or at least think about her actions, or b. Choose to no longer attend such events because you aren't going to accept her behavior.

Like most such dynamics, it will make everyone really uncomfortable the first few times, but ultimately you are doing all of them including your mother, a favor.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Haven't read all of the responses.
> 
> My advice? Throw the grenade in the room.
> 
> ...


Winning the internet for the day. This advice is spot on OP.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

It sounds like your entire family need to get together and agree on an intervention. Everyone come together on the same day and sit down and tell your mum that she has a problem, and that she needs to stop drinking. If she doesn't stop drinking and get help for her disfunctional persoality her relationships with everyone are going to suffer more than they already are.

Your father needs to get a backbone and imagine his life without a drunk for a wife, and then act on it.

She won't change until life as it is doesn't work for her anymore.


----------

