# Plan for NC & Determining if anything Physical Happened - Help



## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

I found out about the EA on May 24th. So we are at the three week phase. Until yesterday, I was occasionally wrecked with a suspicion it had been physical or that it was still going on. Often I got these thoughts because of responses to my original post. People on this forum seemed to think I was avoiding the truth.

However, deep down inside, I really believe he is telling me the truth. We botched the first attempt at NC by not being explicit because from what I could see the EA was never acknowledge by them and I caught him as they were gearing up.

I know she was very into him and laid a lot of groundwork for him to cheat with her. He has told me his side and how he was playing with her and in denial of where that game would end up. He acknowledges it is serious, it was romantic and most likely would have ended up with him in a bad situation with her. 

She sends texts to their group of friends including him. He was trying to keep things normal and responded to a group thing (with my knowledge and in full view of me). Of course this gave her a chance to send him a fishing text last Friday. He has not responded. She sent a group text today. It is time for the NC.

I read an idea for plan yesterday to find out what had really gone on. Here it is:

"Originally Posted by Xena View Post

...get him to ring her, on speakerphone with you in the room. He does NOT tell her you are there. You have to get him to do this as soon as you ask, cause if he does it a few days later her may have time to contact her and let her know the plan.

When he calls her, he says something like '****...my wife suspects we had sex...what do I do??!'

Her response will either be something like

'but we DIDN'T have sex...' or 'How did she find out??!!'

If it's the first one you know he was being truthful, if not then you know they did have sex. You could change 'have sex' to 'fooled around' etc...the idea is your husband keeps the girl talking in a way that gets her to say what happened. Like if she says 'but we didn't have sex', he has to say something like 'But what about what we DID do?' then she might reply 'we were just talking' (so you know no physical contact happened' or she might say 'what, she suspects we kissed?' or 'how does she know I gave you a BJ?' etc.

This is a sneaky plan...but if your husband declines to do it there and then, you gotta wonder why..."


It seems like it would work to give me the information I need. If he isn't telling me the truth he will be backed into a corner and have to tell me. If he is telling me the truth, it is a good chance for him to have a no contact conversation.

I was thinking of having him call from my phone and recording it. With me sitting there. He can text her say, hey, gotta new number, want to talk to to you can I give you a ring? Then he calls and says, Sorry about being out of touch. I got this new phone so i could get in touch with you. She saw our texts and she thinks we are more than friends.


But, it makes me sick, making him do this. If he agrees to do this, do I really need to follow through? Perhaps we could do it via texting. Since that is the nature of their relationship it would be more normal for them. He could say he hasn't been texting because I was questioning how often it but that I would never look at their texts so he is safe to text her the details.

Any advice or suggestions?


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I think I mentioned on your other thread that we did it via texting. Although, there was absolutely no chance that it had gone PA because she lives about 1000 miles or so away and we have never met her in person. In the case of possible PA... I don't know. But, if you do choose to send a NC text, be aware she is likely to reply to it, and she is likely to think you put him up to it. Having said that, you could have it worded "Rihanna and I are focusing on us now. I believe it is in her and my best interest if you and I no longer speak. Please remove me from your contacts. You have been removed from mine." Maybe not worded exactly like that... but make it short and to the point that he believes your marriage is worth FAR MORE than a 'friendship' with this woman, in ANY capacity. Good luck, no matter what you choose to do. But I can guarantee that if he doesn't respond, she will continue fishing. So get the NC done asap.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

You do NOT want to facilitate contact between them and rev her and maybe your husband up again.

If you want to confirm or deny truth, ask your husband to take a polygraph.


----------



## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Posse - so you think my feeling of trusting him and giving up on my doubts is best for my marriage? That is what my gut is telling me but I don't want to avoid doing this because it is too hard. He really has done everything I have asked him to do as far as letting me see everything. He knows there is no second chance. That once I have given my trust back to him, anything other missteps and it is over, no more discussion.

I am tired and I don't want to play detective. I have done everything in my power to make this situation into something good for our relationship. I believe he has too. If he is covering something up, I don't think there is anything else I can do. I think we do the NC then we change his phone number and no more fishing for her.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Rihanna, don't have him call from any number. Just do the NC letter or text and as you said, change the number if that's what you choose. But make sure she is COMPLETELY removed from all of his contacts... cell number, home number, work number, email...everything.


----------



## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Most of the time EA+Opportunity=PA

But if you really want to know, you could send her an anonymous email pretending to be your H and ask the question you mentioned in your OP without actually getting him involved.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Rihanna~

Do not create a situation where he would be contacting her. That just negates his request for No Contact. Instead, here are some Sample No Contact Letters. Use them as a guide, have him write one and give it to you...and you send it to her home address return receipt so you can prove that you did ask her to cease and desist all contact in writing. Have your husband change his email address and cell phone number (easy). After that, if she even makes the attempt to contact, just go straight to court, with your proof of receipt and file a restraining order. Then she either leaves you alone or she goes to jail.


----------



## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Okay, new plan. I will approach him with phone call
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

I will approach with the phone call idea to test his response. If he is not panicked and seeming evasive we can simply move to sending the no contact text. We can delete her info but the friends will likely keep the group thing going. So please wish me luck on being able stop trying to outsmart & snoop. I want to move to the several months or years of recovery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

