# New Here. Struggling with Decision



## Limbo33 (Dec 3, 2014)

Hi everyone, I just registered here after reading many other posts and experience so I decided to share mine. This might be long, but any advice or words of insight from experience would be appreciated.

*Background:* My wife and I knew each other in high school, but didn't date and were only casual friends. We lost touch over the years and reconnected when we were 30 years old. (via FB) We started dating after having both been married before (my wife passed away from cancer) her husband got in trouble with the law. We hit it off fast as we had a lot in common and weren't total strangers to each other since we knew each other previously many years ago.

We started dating in early 2009 and really fell hard for each other fast and were engaged by the end of 2009. Married in fall 2010 and had a baby in July 2013.

So those are the basics.

*The issue:* From almost the beginning of our relationship, my wife has been a generally negative person. She is the type that sees the glass half empty and expects the worst in any situation. This is very much the opposite of me but something I didn't think was as initially as serious as it actually is. This negativity has manifested itself in a variety of ways throughout the course of our relationship and for the first couple of years I would always attribute her negativity and unhappiness to something going on in our lives.

For example: We initially were living apart in different states and I figured thats why she was unhappy, then it was she was home sick, then it was she doesn't like her job, then it was ...I always attributed her behavior/attitude to something. So we worked on correcting whatever was the seeming cause of the unhappiness, but none of that seemed to really change much for her.

This went on for some time and eventually I started to wonder if the negativity was part of who she was and not something external causing it. While I always asked her about her feelings and if anything was wrong, I finally voiced my concern about things about 2 years in to the relationship. She acknowledged my feelings and bought a book about dealing with negativity. Things improved for a few weeks but then went right back to how they were and she told me the book sucked and she didnt finish reading it.

The same pattern of unhappiness and negativity continued but at this point I was seeing the negativity come out in other forms. Now I was seeing her lash out at people, talk behind peoples backs and she didn't discriminate. This was aimed towards her family, my family, strangers and myself. She would criticize anything she could find and would be rare to hear her say something nice. A couple of quick examples, although there are countless of these:


She refused to go with me to meet my grandmother. She lives about 3 hours away and I hadn't seen her in some time and she never met my wife. However my wife refused to meet her saying she has no interest in wasting her day off to meet her.

 Her mothers power went out. I asked my wife if we should call her to see if she wanted to come over or of she needed anything. She said "absolutely not, I don't want her coming over here

 My mother wanted to establish a relationship with her from the very beginning of us dating. She invited my wife to a spa day. She said no. She said, ok how about a shopping trip? She said no. Finally my mom said, what about just lunch. Again...no. No real reason given, just "thats not something she wants to do".

 I was working hard on starting a 2nd business and when I made a big break through I was excited to share the news with my wife. Her first words out of her mouth. "How come you didn't make any money off of that? Are you sure you know what you're doing?" No, "that's great!" Nothing remotely close to that.

Now there are certainly times that are fine and life is good and this is when we got pregnant, but overall the negativity has been an overall constant.

So fast forward to last year (september 2013). Our son is 3 months old at this point and things are still not good unfortunately. It was at this point that my wife calls me at work (as she usually does) but I am not at my desk, so she hangs up...or so she thinks. I get back to my desk and listen to a voicemail that she accidentally leaves for me. I hear her trashing my brother (who is a paraplegic and confined to a wheelchair along with a brain injury) and how he "ruined her wedding". She is telling a coworker of hers how my brother ruined the wedding because he can't fly to the carribbean and go on the beach and how she was going to "use that against me" in whatever argument she had for me next. My brother is the most harmless person in the world and literally likes everything so he would never say a bad thing about anyone. So to hear him get trashed for such a petty reason was heartbreaking. This was when for the 2nd time I sat my wife down and told her that something has to change or the relationship will not last. I asked her to go to a counselor with me.

She agreed and we went to a counselor. We went to 1 session and as soon as we left the building my wife said, this is not for me I'm not going anymore. So I offered to find a different counselor and she said, "no, this is more of a me issue than us and I will get my own counselor". I said Ok, I will do whatever it takes. She never went to a counselor, never made an attempt.

So now it's Fall of 2013 and my wife is back at work and our son is in daycare 3 days a week. It's expensive as hell so my mom offers to watch our son twice a week. It saves us a ton of money and this is her first grandchild so she is thrilled to do it. Here is where we run in to more major issues. My wife made it impossible on my family the entire time since our son was born. She laid down rules like:


My mom has to be in the room at all times with our son
 My dad can never be alone with our son
 my Brother not only can't hold our son, he can't touch him
 my mom can't put our son in the car to go anywhere
 my wife needs to give permission to my mom before she can take him outside

Literally all of these things are verbatim and I tried to make compromises as they were based on nothing in reality. My mom was formerly a full time nanny and currently runs a non-profit for kids who have disabilities. So she knows how to watch a baby. And yes my brother shouldn't be left unsupervised since he has his own medical issues, but how am I supposed to tell my only brother he can't touch his nephew even when Im there?? It just didn't make sense to me and I was left trying to defend and make compromises for her behavior.

My patience was really wearing thin and I was beginning to think the worst in terms of the potential for this marriage long term. I tried to work out compromises with my wife and the big one was centered around my mom and putting our son in the car from time to time. The compromise was my mom would not leave the house at all, would not take him anywhere until he was at least 9 months old and it became spring. At that point my wife said she could take him to the park, or quick errands close to home. This would help us as it would allow my mom to still watch our son twice a week but still get a few things done so she can run her business the other 3 days a week. it seemed to work for everyone. The spring finally comes and my mom mentions to me she'd like to take our son to the park. I say ok, that was the deal. I mention this to my wife and she flips out and says, "no, I said I would think about it when the summer comes". I lost it at this point as she and I both knew she made an agreement and absolutely said spring time. This was the first time I felt like she flat out lied to me to get what she wanted.

It was at this point that my mom told us that she doesn't know if she can keep helping us with the baby with all of these unreasonable restrictions put on her by my wife. So I discussed with my wife, what about we sign up for full time daycare (which will cost us a ton) and that a couple fridays during a month my mom will watch our son. She agreed to this instantly. Fast forward 2 weeks. We sign up for full time daycare and she this is when says to me...."yeah I don't want your mom picking our son up at all. She can pick him up on days I work late and when it will help me out. " I was heartbroken again that she got what she wanted and then backed out of what she agreed to.

It was at this point (this past may) that I then said this is it, if we don't see a counselor this marriage is over. I made myself very clear. She asked to see a counselor on her own which she actually did this time and I finally had something to grasp on to that maybe something, anything would change this time.

Where things got worse: It is now July 2014 and my wife has been seeing a counselor for a few weeks at this point and again on her best behavior for the most part... It's a wednesday night, it's after work and we're sitting on the couch. We both leave our phones out all the time however our son LOVES to grab them an put them in his mouth. So it happens again, my son grabs my wifes phone from the couch and before he can put it in his mouth I grab it from him. As soon as I do this my wife grabs her phone from me.....which is VERY odd as we both use each others phones, laptops, etc..As she grabbed it from me I see the screen and a text message from a name I don't immediately recognize. Let's call him "John". I don't say anything and don't react to her grabbing the phone. But I'm thinking "that was a very odd reaction". So the night goes on and we're sitting next to each other the whole time. Eventually I get up to grab something from the car and when I get back she has left the couch and the cell phone is gone. She's in the kitchen acting totally normal. Fast forward to the end of the night. This is when she goes to wash up for bed. I did something at this point I have never had to think I would do and I looked at my wifes cell phone to see if she was hiding something from me. I opened her text messages and they are ordered by most recent.....nothing from John today. or yesterday....or any of her most recent texts aren't from him. So I know she deleted something. I check to make sure she's not coming and proceed to scroll down to see if there are ANY messages from John. I eventually find him from about 2 weeks prior. The last 2 messages in her phone from him were a picture and a video. A picture of a **** and a video of him (I presume) jerking off. My stomach sank and I thought I was going to throw up on the spot. I put the phone down and tried to act as normal as possible for the rest of the night.

I then researched how to recover text messages and figured it out the next day. So that night, I did the same thing when I had the chance at her phone. I was able to recover the last few weeks worth of messages and I saw all sorts of sexting and emotional messages back and forth between the two of them. She said things like "I think I am obsessed with your penis". "I miss you, a lot", "I get butterflies in my stomach thinking about you". After he sent the jerk off video, she told him how wet she was and how she just came twice. I couldn't see any more than a few weeks of the actual texts but looking at the phone/data records I know this has been going on for at least 6 months at this point. This includes her sending pictures/videos to him (although I can't find what she sent). The guy is a surgeon who she use to work with and I have actually met him years ago.

*Where I am today: *I am not the type to react without thinking first so I didnt say a word for over two weeks as I decided what to do next. I saw a lawyer to understand my options and then on August 1st I told her everything I was feeling about our relationship that I just described here above. I didn't say anything about the text messages but ended it with..."Is there anything you want to tell me". She of course said no, what do you mean? So I said, let me help you...

Me: "Hows your friend John?"

Her: "Fine I guess, why?"

Me: "When was the last time you spoke to him?"

Her: "I don't know, a few weeks ago?"

Me: "Yeah, what about?"

Her: "Just normal stuff, how are you, hows work type of stuff"

Me:"yeah? Nothing else?"

Her: "Well sometimes he'll text me when he's at work and bored and says dumb stuff like he's horny or whatever"

Me:"Oh? Why would he text you that?"

Her: "He and I have been friends from way back and he knows that I'll respond and mess with him as friends"

Me:"Oh as friends? Now I'm going to give you a chance to be honest. Is there anything you want to tell me. And before you answer...just know that I know more than you think I do"

Her: "No thats it, he would mess around and I would say stuff back to see his reaction"

Me: "You're lying and I know you are. Want to try again?"

Her: "I swear thats all!"

This is when I start reading her the texts and asking if this sounds familiar. At first she "doesn't remember" and then she starts to say yeah I said that. Very timidly. No tears, no real remorse except to say...yeah thats real ****ed up, I know I messed up. I asked her what she sent him a picture of. She first said she never sent any pictures (she sent at least 3 from what I can tell) and then she said she can't remember but it was probably a face picture. I said, you sent it two weeks ago...how do you not remember? I asked how long it's been going on....she can't remember. I asked her if she met in person...she says they didnt.

At this point I told her the marriage was over and I would be filing for divorce. This is when her tears started flowing and the begging began. My lawyer said do not leave the house and thus I have been sleeping in the basement since that day.

*My Problem:* I haven't actually filed for divorce yet. I know in my heart that I should but she has been acting as good as can be since that day, even though she is still not telling me the truth about things I ask her. The main reason is that I can't stand the thought of not seeing my son every day. It tears me apart just thinking about it. On top of that, I don't have a lot of money and divorce will certainly wreck me financially.

When we're apart I get upset and know I need to divorce but when I'm back home and around my son and she's crying to me I start to waiver. I don't want to hurt her by following through with the divorce but I don't love her anymore, not like a husband should. I am not the type to hold a grudge and I would like to be cordial and a good co-parent with her but to view her as a partner and wife ever again..I don't see it. Yet I still can't go through with it and I'm stuck in this weird limbo state. We are in counseling together now for the past few months and I want to give my all but I don't have the desire or drive to do anything more than go through the motions. I just feel "different" about her now. I don't trust her, don't respect her like I once did and don't love her like I once did. 

Am I being a pushover for not following through here? Can she actually change for good? I appreciate anyone that read all the way through. It was therapeutic just typing this all out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Throughout your entire relationship, you've failed because you haven't had the balls (no offence intended) to stand up for yourself. And now, you're going to continue to fail unless you figure that out. Get a plan with your lawyer and execute on it. Get counselling for yourself to figure out why you're willing to put up with her treatment of you. Lean on your family, as they seem like good people. 

C


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

File for divorce ASAP and stay in your home. If you choose to stay with her the resentment will build over time and you will regret it. I would bet money that her and "John" have been physical many time. There is no excuse for her treatment of your family.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why in the hell are you living in a basement and so unhappy...I mean can't you see you can be a better father if you were emotionally healthier?

Your son deserves that much so get rid of this cancer and start living.

The thing about money is you can alway rebuild your finances....your wife on the other hand seems hopeless...it sounds like there is no way to rebuild that?


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## Limbo33 (Dec 3, 2014)

Thank you for reading and the responses. Over the past few months since this has all unfolded she has committed to therapy and to "changing". She has revealed some very disturbing things about her past and at some level I feel bad for her. She claims to be trying to make real changes, but I don't know that they are real or long lasting. But on the surface she seems to be trying. 

I just struggle with giving up now that she appears to be trying. I just don't care anymore to try myself and I feel selfish for feeling that way.

I ask myself, "Can she truly change?" and "Can I ever believe its real"?

I just don't know.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Come on man, you know why they tell you to put the O2 mask on first before your child when in a plan crash?????

Dude you need to help your self 1st so you can be there for your son. Your old lady is bringing out the worst in you and you need to get rid of that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bad behavior has consequences, fill for divorse, you can always withdraw the filing if she sticks to her changes.

The good thing about this is even if you do withdraw the file have a lawyer hold on to the paper work....knowing you can divorce at any time might keep your old ladies change permanent.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The way i see it your old lady has lost some respect for you and you might be her plan B...I hope I'm wrong but you still need to show her you command respect by contacting a lawyer and knowing your options.

What have you done to verify that the affair is over?

She could be buying her time? IDK


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Keep a detach distance, these things take time to work out, and she may quit because it is too hard, or she stops caring. You don't want to be emotionally invested in a relationship that is unstable, and could hurt you more mentally. You should probably get a legal separation, and get seprate accounts. Protect yourself now, and if a divorce happens later on, you will not be financially strained. These issues will take years usually to work themselves out, and she may quit on you years down the line. 

Also, seek help yourself, and ask yourself why did you become a pushover. Why did you let someone treat you like that, and why is it your not strong enough to stand up for yourself?


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## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

You have lost all respect for you wife, and rightfully so! I cannot see how you could ever recover the respect, as she lacks basic human decency in many situations. (I am sure she has some good traits, but wow!) 

The reality is that you deserve way better, and even if you don't find someone else, wouldn't you rather be alone? 

I know you would not see your son as much, but he is yours 50% of the time. Yours alone. You make the rules. Is she a decent mother? Do you feel good when your son is in her care? If so, you may find you enjoy your time with your son more when she is not around, and also enjoy your time to yourself away from her.

I am not sure what kind of income she brings in. If you make more than her you will have to provide some support, but you can also save money by using your mom for daycare. That savings will go directly to you, and your mom can spend time with her grandson......no rules.

I cannot imagine you would ever regret divorcing this woman. Detach from her now, and start living your life like she is not part of it. You will start to feel freedom. Right now just co-parent and split household responsibilities. Enjoy how that feels. You may find that gives you the strength to leave.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

She's worming her way back into your affections like she did the first time. If you fall for it, the petty bìtching will start, then the bigger bìtching and soon you'll be back to where you were at around 'text day'.

Could be she's just a self-centred bìtch,, or there could be a PD lurking there.

Either way, she's resistant to genuine change and she knows how to manipulate you as you are. Your changing won't stop her trying.

More than likely, all the therapy in the world won't make you compatible.

Best revenge. Let 'John' keep her and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonas (Jul 27, 2013)

sorry you are in the spot you are in.

You are probably learning this by now, but there is a pattern of behavior here. My wife acts the exact same way...a complete skreetchtard until I stand up for myself and talk about ending the marriage, then she becomes nicer for a little while...then the cycle starts over. I've recently decided that I cannot live like this for the rest of my life.

I love my wife, but unfortunately "love" just isnt enough. Us humans have a real knack for falling in "love" with things that are no good for us: fatty foods, drugs, venomous skreetchtards, etc. Love and compatibility arent the same thing.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Wow just wow! What are you afraid of if you leave?

Do you honestly believe you would be worse off without this leech in your life?

Are you happy now?

Do you think you could be less happy without her?

Sometimes we feel we don't have an option to leave because we don't give ourselves that option, we like to believe that we have to exhaust every possible avenue before we can leave, but guess what happens? Once we've exhausted those avenues we go and create a whole lot more to explore. You have to break the cycle, and think only about yourself and child.

Start looking after you!


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## Limbo33 (Dec 3, 2014)

ricky15100 said:


> Wow just wow! What are you afraid of if you leave?
> 
> Do you honestly believe you would be worse off without this leech in your life?
> 
> ...


Actually, I think I could and would be very happy finding someone that treats me with common decency who I can actually trust and respect. I know I'm unhappier by staying.

But what keeps me from filing for divorce is two things really.

1) I dread missing a moment of my sons life. I love the time I get with him and every second Im with him I start to waiver and think...how can I give any of this up?

2) I actually feel bad for my wife and hate the idea that after the ****ty past she has had that "I" would be causing her even more sadness by following through and filing for divorce. I know I sound like a pushover and maybe that's what I am, but all I ever wanted was for her to be happy. And now I would be ripping her heart out by following through and leaving. I hate the thought of it as lame as it sounds. 

However, your statement about feeling like I need to exhaust every possible option before I can leave REALLY hits home for me. That's EXACTLY how I feel and you really put things a bit more in to perspective for me. Thank you so much!


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## Limbo33 (Dec 3, 2014)

Jonas said:


> sorry you are in the spot you are in.
> 
> You are probably learning this by now, but there is a pattern of behavior here. My wife acts the exact same way...a complete skreetchtard until I stand up for myself and talk about ending the marriage, then she becomes nicer for a little while...then the cycle starts over. I've recently decided that I cannot live like this for the rest of my life.
> 
> I love my wife, but unfortunately "love" just isnt enough. Us humans have a real knack for falling in "love" with things that are no good for us: fatty foods, drugs, venomous skreetchtards, etc. Love and compatibility arent the same thing.


You're absolutely right. There is a definite pattern I have noticed which really makes me think that true long term change just isn't going to happen.


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## Limbo33 (Dec 3, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> She's worming her way back into your affections like she did the first time. If you fall for it, the petty bìtching will start, then the bigger bìtching and soon you'll be back to where you were at around 'text day'.
> 
> Could be she's just a self-centred bìtch,, or there could be a PD lurking there.
> 
> ...


I actually have thought that she is, intentionally or not, a very good manipulator. She knows how to push buttons and tug at my heart strings and I really question if it's not unintentional on her part.


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## Limbo33 (Dec 3, 2014)

neglected42 said:


> You have lost all respect for you wife, and rightfully so! I cannot see how you could ever recover the respect, as she lacks basic human decency in many situations. (I am sure she has some good traits, but wow!)
> 
> The reality is that you deserve way better, and even if you don't find someone else, wouldn't you rather be alone?
> 
> ...


She has plenty of good traits and I actually have fun hanging out with her but for me, I've realized it can't ever be more than the friendship level. I have lost respect and I don't know how I'd ever get it back. I would never dream of doing or saying the things she did about me and my family and yet she was able to do them all....repeatedly. I just can't respect that on any level. 

Can someone change who they are as a person? I hope so for her own sake, but I can't sit around for years waiting to find out.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Limbo33 said:


> She has plenty of good traits and I actually have fun hanging out with her but for me, I've realized it can't ever be more than the friendship level. I have lost respect and I don't know how I'd ever get it back. I would never dream of doing or saying the things she did about me and my family and yet she was able to do them all....repeatedly. I just can't respect that on any level.
> 
> Can someone change who they are as a person? I hope so for her own sake, but I can't sit around for years waiting to find out.


Yes people can change, when they have a reason to.

What reason could your wife have for changing ?

She has the life she wants and it's setup exactly as she wants it, why would she jeopardise that by changing?

Your holding on to some illusion of what your wife is rather than seeing her for what she truly is.

I understand that you don't want to lose your child I really do, but if you truly love your child what do you think bringing children up in a toxic environment like this will do.

You are giving your child the blueprints of life, and is this a good design?

From what you posted I can't see any good traits.

You say you want her to be happy, at what cost? Your happiness? 

Does she care about your happiness? Does she want to see you truly happy, is she prepared to move heaven and earth to have a great and happy relationship, with 2 mutually respecting adults?

You know your wife better than anybody.

Happiness is out there, a better life is out there, unfortunately you won't find it while this woman is in your life.


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## Jonas (Jul 27, 2013)

Limbo33 said:


> However, your statement about feeling like I need to exhaust every possible option before I can leave REALLY hits home for me. That's EXACTLY how I feel and you really put things a bit more in to perspective for me. Thank you so much!



I felt (and still do feel to some extent) the same way. Here is what helped me get off the fence:

1. Make a list of pros and cons of staying married - ON PAPER!

2. Make a list of pros and cons of getting divorced - ON PAPER!

3. Let it sit for a day or two and then go back through you lists and then out beside each item in your list, write the name of the benefactor or victim of each pro/con. (I also found it helpful to categorize each pro/con as either "temporary" or "permanent")

4. Strike from the list any item that doesn't either have your name or your children's names next to them. (You might also remove the "temporary" ones too)

This should leave you with a crisp and meaningful picture of what each option means for you and your kid(s). I can't tell you how much it helped me to just get it all on paper and to start whittling away the "noise". I think that we often build these things up in our head as being amazingly complicated situations when in reality, they are not.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

She will genuinely feel hard done by. 

It is easy to fall into the trap of trying to make an unhappy person happy. What makes the trap easy to fall into is that you can do it in the short term, but after that she will be unhappy again. That is because of her mental habits and conviction she is reasonable and rational.

This tricks you into compromising to cheer her up again, and as it inevitably fails you lose self-confidence and faith in your own judgement. This can move you into feeling worse.

When you are feeling this low, it is very hard to split up. Really hard. I understand your struggle. You can see that she is not an evil person, just deeply unhappy. However, that unhappiness will cause her to do bad things, means she cannot have capacity for empathy and will grasp after the next man who can come along and save her. 

Mate, good news. Things can get better and you can sort it out. File for divorce and start survaillance. If you can get those pictures off her phone, do so. You are not persucuting someone, but you are looking after yourself. You are in for a tough year, but there is light at the end of this tunnel.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Limbo33 said:


> She has plenty of good traits and I actually have fun hanging out with her but for me, I've realized it can't ever be more than the friendship level. I have lost respect and I don't know how I'd ever get it back. I would never dream of doing or saying the things she did about me and my family and yet she was able to do them all....repeatedly. I just can't respect that on any level.
> 
> Can someone change who they are as a person? I hope so for her own sake, but I can't sit around for years waiting to find out.


Separation is not a punishment. It can be a consequence though and if you acted as she acted, you would not expect her to stay. 

She may be acting in this selfish way as she is unhappy, but it is driving you away. It is the loss of self-respect that is encouraging you to stay.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

As soon as I read your original post, the first thing that popped into my head was that she had experienced trauma in her life. I am going to assume it is sexual.

Since you now know what her trauma is, keep your distance, co-parent your son and give her the time that she needs so that she can come to terms with her trauma. 

After she emerges from her trauma, she will be a different person, most likely for the better. 

If she does not continue with the therapy and work on herself, then there is nothing you can do and divorce will be your answer. If she does, when she has changed, you will know and you will either fall back in love with her, or if you do not like the new her, you can part as friends.

This will take time and patience and strength on both of your parts. You supporting her through will be very important.


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## Limbo33 (Dec 3, 2014)

PBear said:


> Throughout your entire relationship, you've failed because you haven't had the balls (no offence intended) to stand up for yourself. And now, you're going to continue to fail unless you figure that out. Get a plan with your lawyer and execute on it. Get counselling for yourself to figure out why you're willing to put up with her treatment of you. Lean on your family, as they seem like good people.
> 
> C


You're right. I let her walk on me for a long time now. I was trying to be accommodating and she took full advantage. I am in counseling myself and it is very helpful. Thank you for your response.


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## Limbo33 (Dec 3, 2014)

Motic said:


> File for divorce ASAP and stay in your home. If you choose to stay with her the resentment will build over time and you will regret it. I would bet money that her and "John" have been physical many time. There is no excuse for her treatment of your family.


She says the did sleep together before we met but swears up and down they never were physical since then. I sort of believe her, but when she is capable of lying to me about so many other things, how can I ever be sure?


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## Limbo33 (Dec 3, 2014)

lovesmanis said:


> As soon as I read your original post, the first thing that popped into my head was that she had experienced trauma in her life. I am going to assume it is sexual.
> 
> Since you now know what her trauma is, keep your distance, co-parent your son and give her the time that she needs so that she can come to terms with her trauma.
> 
> ...


I understand what you're saying and I know she will need my support to change for the better....if at all possible. It's just that I don't have the desire to do it anymore with her as her husband. I feel selfish for saying that, but I don't have real faith that she can truly change for the long term and I don't want to sit around waiting for years to find out my gut instinct was right. 
I want to support her as she works on changing, as she will always be a part of my life due to our son, but I don't want to do it as her husband. I don't have it in me anymore. Her actions have driven that desire out of me. I hate saying it but thats how I feel at this point.


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## Jonas (Jul 27, 2013)

Limbo33 said:


> I understand what you're saying and I know she will need my support to change for the better....if at all possible. It's just that I don't have the desire to do it anymore with her as her husband. I feel selfish for saying that, but I don't have real faith that she can truly change for the long term and I don't want to sit around waiting for years to find out my gut instinct was right.
> I want to support her as she works on changing, as she will always be a part of my life due to our son, but I don't want to do it as her husband. I don't have it in me anymore. Her actions have driven that desire out of me. I hate saying it but thats how I feel at this point.



Consider yourself a step ahead of the game simply by KNOWING what you feel.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately you have let her walk all over you and accmodated her foul behavour and ridicouless demands regarding your family.

The end result is where you are today. Whether or not you wish to take her back is your decision alone, however unless you offer up consequences for her cheating and future foul behavour in general whether it be with infedelity or her attitude towards your family nothing is ever going to change and things will eventually become worse.

I strongly suggest you drop the nice guy act and harden up your attitude towards her


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

1. DNA your kid

2. Divorce

Sorry man.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Limbo33 said:


> She says the did sleep together before we met but swears up and down they never were physical since then. I sort of believe her, but when she is capable of lying to me about so many other things, how can I ever be sure?


You can't. And, honestly, many would consider mutual masturbation -- even when done remotely via text/pics/vids -- to be a physical betrayal.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

She lied to your face and only admitted anything because you had the hard evidence. She will continue to lie about anything you cannot prove. Such as... having sex with her little boyfriend "john". 

I do not know how or why you allowed her to make such insane and crazy demands and basically abuse your family. Seriously.. you need to man up a here... she walks all over you, all over you mom who was trying to help you guys, all over your poor disabled and precious brother. ?! Why are you so afraid of this woman?

Please ,for your son's sake start living for yourself and for you son and cut her loose. If she can get help and prove herself over a LONG period of time and start treating you and your family with respect then maybe, MAYBE you can consider starting a relationship over with her and set new boundaries and command a more respectful give and take relationship.


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## Limbo33 (Dec 3, 2014)

Thank you for the additional comments.

My biggest struggle right now is that every single night she is crying non-stop and begs me to give her another chance. Part of me feels bad for her and wants to give her (yet another) chance, since all I ever wanted was for her to be happy.

But the other side of me says, all I've ever done is put her happiness first and its time I put my needs above hers for once. 
But that is not my natural way of thinking and its hard for me to stick to...especially when I see my son or when she cries endlessly. 

It's really f*cking hard despite knowing what I should be doing.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Limbo33 said:


> Thank you for the additional comments.
> 
> My biggest struggle right now is that every single night she is crying non-stop and begs me to give her another chance. Part of me feels bad for her and wants to give her (yet another) chance, since all I ever wanted was for her to be happy.
> 
> ...


She's using the tears and the love of your son to initialise the white knight in you. Put your emotions to one side and look at this logically. Look at her actions throughout your marriage, are these the actions of a loving, caring supportive spouse? 

Reread your thread and imagine that somebody else posted this, what advice would you give to this person?


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## IWantGreatMarriage (May 20, 2014)

Wow! Just Wow!
Reading your first post, I had no idea that anybody can actually pull that behaviour off. What was more disturbing was that you and your family actually put up with it. These is a fine line between being good people and being door mats. If I tried 1/10th of what your old lady tried my husband would have sent me to where the sun don't shine. My mother in-law is a saint but am sure she won't put up with bull**** either. If I tried to feed her some she will discipline me like a twisted teenager.
Just wow!
Now to top it up, she is cheating on you. And you are considering what? Putting her happinness first? With all the disrespect melted out to your mum? Your brother? What are the consequences?
I believe in the longetivity of marriage but the man has to remain the man. Get your balls back and take no disrespect from noone.

Sorry if I came on too harsh but Wow!


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