# My separation story



## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

Hello everyone

I am very newly separated. I do not want a divorce but my h does. He says that there is no hope of working things out. A little background info, we have been married 2 years and dated on and off for 5. We have no kids. He does not want to be with me as I am having a really hard time finding a job and he feels it is because I don't want to work. This is not at all true. I am currently getting help for depression and anxiety. I see a therapist and I am on waiting list for getting help with finding a job. I am working to better myself. My h thinks it is taking to long to work on myself and refuses to see couples therapy with me. At the same time we are best friends and we are civil and nice to each other over this whole thing. Also I should mention I moved back in with my parents so we no longer live together. 

I am not even sure if I want advice or to just tell my story and get it off my chest, but any comments are welcome. Just kinda feeling lost and confused right now.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Hi Funkykatz! 
I am sorry you are going through this/feeling this way. I am just thinking that if after 2 years of marriage that if is the support you are getting what can you expect in 5 years. How old are you?


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

I am 33 years old and my husband is 36. This whole marriage has just been so hard for me, and actually feel so much more calm at my parents house and way less pressured by my husband. At the same time I would hate to throw in the towel just yet in our marriage. I don't know I am just so confused and really just don't have any control over this situation anyways.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Why do you need a waiting list for help to start looking for work?

Instead of waiting for that to happen, just start looking for work.

Write a resume and post it on monster.com and search for likely work. Then apply.

Do this whether or not your husband stays with you. You need a job.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been unemployed? How long at your parent's house? How long have you been seeking treatment for your issues?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

I have been looking for work all along just not getting hired. I was in college full time and did not work while there. After college ended I have been looking for work. I am working with doctors and therapists on my anxiety issues surrounding work. I have never had a pro lemming finding or keeping a job in the past and now finding work has been a nightmare. I have been back at my parents for about a week now. 

The thing is my h and it talk all the time and we are being great with each other. My h is very sad and stressed about the marriage ending but he insist there is no way for us to work on it and he refuses to go to couples therapy with me. When he talks to me about how sad he is it is like he is looking to me to comfort him about it. I do comfort him and tell him we can go to therapy together to work on our issues while living apart but he refuses.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Why does he say he doesnt want to go to MC? That would be very helpful.


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

I have been seeking treatment for a couple months now. In late December I had to go to the psych ward for a suicide attempt and I have been getting help since then. I am making great strides in my help but things are not going to happening overnight.


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

He says he doesn't want to go because he insist that it is over and he doesn't want to work on the issues. It is so frustrating.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Then work on you dear and let him alone work on himself at his way, but not involving you into it. You have already your bag of stones in your back to get rid of each one one step at the time.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why was your relationship "off and on" for 5 years before you got married? And how long have you been out of college? 

You say you feel much calmer and things are more relaxed while at your parents place. Were things tense and/or stressful when you were living with your husband all the time, or just recently? When did your depression and anxiety become issues?

And I hate to ask this... But are you sure your husband doesn't have any inappropriate relationships with other women? Could be emotional, could be physical...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It can take a long time to find a job. But keep trying and try not to get discouraged by the process.

Hang in there.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Funkykatz said:


> In late December I had to go to the psych ward for a suicide attempt and I have been getting help since then.


Ok, this is a much different scenario than you posted originally, which was just that you were depressed and anxious and having trouble finding a job.

A suicide attempt is a whole other animal; it's great that you are getting treatment and getting better, but it does reveal some HUGE mental wellness issues going on.

Perhaps he has made a decision that he is just not equipped to handle those kinds of problems. Many people see attempted suicide as a weakness, and it sounds like that is how he views you now (his feelings towards you have changed as a result) and just doesn't want to deal with it. 

I'm glad you're feeling calmer at your parents' home...


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I am not unsympathetic to your plight but it strikes me as odd that someone that wants to work can't find a job, even if it is not the job they want. Are you sure you are not being too picky? It is notoriously difficult to get a job in your degree field without experience or other specialized training.

For example.

You might have an IT degree but still have to start on a help desk for $12 an hour.

You might have a engineering degree, but you might need to take a job updating technical drawings based on others notes to get your foot in the door.

You might have a degree in psychology and want to be a therapist, but have to go to work in service or retail anyway. You can still then volunteer on support hotlines or charities to gain experience for the job you want.

It seems to me that any job you might take would have solved the biggest problem in your marriage. While it might not be the work or income you have in mind, it is a place to build from. 

You can wait a lifetime for your ship to come in. You are much better off getting in a small boat and rowing out to it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> You can wait a lifetime for your ship to come in. You are much better off getting in a small boat and rowing out to it.


Wise words... :iagree:


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

My husband has his own depression and anxiety issues that he is dealing with, he is on kinds of meds for this. We were always on and off before the marriage as he would break up with me because he would find some kind of fault with me that he just could not deal with. He would always come back to me and I would let him. 

There is no one else. This relationship is enough bull for us both to deal with without adding another party to it. Of this I am certain. 

I became depressed after the wedding when nothing I did was ever good enough for him. Love is stupid, but I do love him. The hospital stint was because the marriage was just becoming incredibly overwhelming for me, I felt hopeless and just did not know what else to do. 

We love having each other's company and we are best friends but this marriage thing is so hard, and we never had any support from family members or MC. 

With MC and time apart I feel we could do it. But he refuses and there is nothing I can do to save this. 

By the way I got out of college in the fall. I was going toward my teaching degree but dropped out as I realized teaching would not be for me. Now I am just reevaluating my career path and what I want to do.


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

I have been applying for everything retail, food service as well as better jobs.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Keep on applying and working on yourself with your doctors. Are you on meds for your anxiety and depression? There could be another scenario for you that you can discover being at your parents for a while. 

Eveything comes and goes, there is nothing eternal. This will have the ending you want if you are determined to solve it. Keep in touch here, this group is amazing!


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

I am on meds yes. They do help a bit. My ultimate goal is to be able to get off them as I do not want to be on them for life. Also I have extreme social anxiety and I went to a church by myself last Saturday. This was a huge step for me and the poeple there were great. I am also looking into getting into a divorce support group in my town. 

I am also looking to do the 180 that I have read a bit about. If anyone can help me with that and give me advice, as I think it would help me heal, I would greatly apperiacate it. 

Thanks for all the responses guys.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I am glad you went to the church group and the support group also. They really help. I go to a group on Saturday mornings and there are workshops that help a lot. Don't miss any even it is pouring that rain that calls you to bed ok?

Read the 180 and put in practice the ones that go with you. Since you have no children, there will be less work for you  It works for your own sanity and overgoing this process. Remember you have to focus on YOU ok? 

Good luck!!


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

I had an appointment with my therapist today and I got some great feedback from him. My h and I are trying to be friends throughout this divorce process however it has been upsetting me whenever he tells me how his family members think about me. As much as I love my h and want to continue the friendship during this process, for my own sanity and healing as well as reflecting I need to limit contact right now. So I haven't contacted him at all today and at the moment I am finding it hard not to. I have decided to write here instead of contacting him. So yeah this is where I am at right now.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Do the 180. You have to especially since you both suffer from stress and anxiety issues.


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

Yeah I started the 180 yesterday. I am finding it difficult but posting here and reading other stories is helping some. Later tonight I am going to a softball game to meet some new people from a church I recently went to. I am looking forward to that. I am just trying to focus on myself right now but damn it's hard.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Yes, it is hard, but you are not alone, think of that. And gets easier, I promise.


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

I have not talked to my h for the last couple of days and it has been so hard. I did break down and called him tonight. We had a friendly conversation about the marriage. I do find the more I talk to him the more I realize I just don't think we are going to be able to reconcile. I felt so pressured and stuck and depressed in the relationship and even just a week or so at my parents away from the pressure to be who I am not I feel so much better. At the same time damn I miss him. So many conflicting emotions are going on in my head. 

I think I need to figure a way out to be able to grieve the relationship without going crazy. The conflicting emotions and the ups and downs of my emotions are driving me nuts.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Tomorrow is another day. I have been there and done that too. Maybe it will not be the only time you do it, but as you say, you start acknowleging you will not be able to reconcile (for now maybe). You both, I think, have to work on your issues individually first. Focus on yourself.

1.5 years already and trust me, the grief takes time and effort, but once you get to the acceptance phase, it gets better.


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