# Why?



## confusedandheartbroken (Jan 9, 2012)

I am new here. I apologize ahead of time, but this will be long. I have been with my husband over 6 years, married for over 2. We have a beautiful 5 year old daughter and a 2 month old son. I will start from the beginning. One of my ex's raped me, and also I have been having very very painful intercourse. We went to the doctor to find out what was wrong and they found nothing. It became so bad that I began associating sex with pain. Well anyway my husband would always complain that didn't have sex even though he knew that every second of sex was pure agony for me. I told him that I thought he had a sex addiction because ever since we first met he has watched porn A LOT (which I don't care I watch porn too, but he was hiding it when he knew he didn't have to) and has kept pressuring me about the sex. Well I tried different things and we got pregnant with our second child and then I had a lot of complications, so again no more sex. I was always afraid he would leave me because of it. Well now fast forward. I saw that his facebook was accidentally logged in on my iPad. Something in my gut said to look at his messages. I found a message from a girl that lives in our town. He was writing her songs and talking to her ALL the time, even when I was in the house, and saying he wished he could be with her and he thinks he loves her etc. I didn't read through everything because there were over 400 messages and I was shaking. He was sitting next to me and I hit him to wake him up and confronted him. He kept saying that he didn't mean any of those things that he said, that he just wanted to say whatever he could to get her to keep sending him naked pictures and keep sexting him. He said he never met her in person and never touched her etc. The thing that ABSOLUTELY KILLS ME, is he was talking to her the night before we had our son (I had a c-section so I knew I was going in on that day) and was talking to her while I was in the hospital recovering from having his baby! He even talked to her the day after Christmas. It had been going on for months. He keeps saying it was just that he wanted the sexual attention and that's all and he never had any intention of doing anything with her. Then I logged in his account and saw there were more girls that he was messaging and saying how good they looked and if he wasn't married the things he would do to them. My heart is so broken. It was then, that he said he accepts now that he has an addiction to sex, which I told him this for years now and it took THIS to accept it. We are going to start counseling and he is going to start SAA meetings. But I can't wrap my mind around how he can say all these things and NOT mean them? Also, the girl is a senior in high school. He is 26. That is so sick to me. I have suffered my whole life from severe depression, which I am starting to think is bipolar disorder, and now it is getting much worse. I pray the counseling works, but it has only been a few days and I keep thinking about all the things he has said to this girl and trying to understand why? The girl is prettier and skinnier than me so I feel like I am just his fat cow of a wife and he wanted someone who looked better, and he keeps saying I am the most beautiful person in the world to him. I asked him why wasn't I enough and he says I am and he has no idea why he did what he did. He keeps saying that he hates himself, and honestly I have never seen him this down as long as I have met him. We have agreed to give me access to his phone, etc whenever I want and to change his phone number and I got to pick who I deleted out of his phone, and we are going to do the counseling. But I confronted the girls as well. I believe in my vows and am willing to stay as long as we can work it out. Does anyone have any advice or anything to make me feel a little better at least? Sorry for the novel!


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I believe you need counseling as well, due to your experience with your ex. Even if your husband recovers from being a sex addict, he is still going to want to have sex. If sex is painful for you and there are no physical reason for it, I would go to therapy to overcome what happened to you in a previous relationship.


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## confusedandheartbroken (Jan 9, 2012)

FourtyPlus said:


> I believe you need counseling as well, due to your experience with your ex. Even if your husband recovers from being a sex addict, he is still going to want to have sex. If sex is painful for you and there are no physical reason for it, I would go to therapy to overcome what happened to you in a previous relationship.


Thank you. I have actually set up individual counseling for myself as well. I forgot to mention that. I do hope I can get the help I need


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

The sex issue IS a problem because most men do love and want sex. If it is important to you to want to give this to your husband you must seek whatever help you can receive to overcome your issues with sex. I'm not saying the reason for them are your fault, but to fix them, the sex in your marriage has to be important and a priority to you.
As far as the cheating goes, I see 3 choices to be made. 1 is starting over, if you both agree it's what you want and 2 is committing to bounderies.
Your husband has to understand his bounderies and why they are important in a marriage. 3 to seek help with the sex issues on your part. Though there are NO acceptable excuses for infidelity, there are ALWAYS reasons.
Best wishes to you


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## confusedandheartbroken (Jan 9, 2012)

Dellia said:


> The sex issue IS a problem because most men do love and want sex. If it is important to you to want to give this to your husband you must seek whatever help you can receive to overcome your issues with sex. I'm not saying the reason for them are your fault, but to fix them, the sex in your marriage has to be important and a priority to you.
> As far as the cheating goes, I see 3 choices to be made. 1 is starting over, if you both agree it's what you want and 2 is committing to bounderies.
> Your husband has to understand his bounderies and why they are important in a marriage. 3 to seek help with the sex issues on your part. Though there are NO acceptable excuses for infidelity, there are ALWAYS reasons.
> Best wishes to you


Yes I do realize that. I pleasured him in other ways also though. I know that is not the same as actual penetration, but I just never in my wildest imagination would have thought he would do this to me. Even his friends that know about it are in complete shock. He really is trying to make up for it but I still just wish I could erase this from my memory


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Are you breastfeeding?

Found out after our 3rd child that the reason my wife was having painful sex was because breastfeeding was screwing up her hormones and she couldn't get wet enough to have sex (even with lube).

After our youngest got off, there was no more problems of her not being wet enough to have sex now. Although she's starting to have hot flashes, Oh boy, pre-menopause 

So, After a good ride, now I'm sitting and waiting it out and crossing my fingers her sex drive will shoot through the roof, like more people say women usually do after menopause.

We still have sex at least once a week but I just can't keep my hands off of her and it's driving me wild.

And with him talking to that OW, that has to stop, nip it in the bud.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Unfortunately your story is a common one and I'm not going to say let him off in the slightest.

All I can say is I see it all the time flirting, joking, spitting whatever game they can just to see, some of these guys cheat, but many just do it for the rush of having someone interested. 

Your husband may have had NO intention of ever doing anything doesn't make it right not even a little, but for many guys it really is like a video game just something fun to do online and it means NIL!!

Best of luck and congrats on the little ones. Definitely get counseling for what happened to you!!


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