# Husband's Hobby is Ruining Our Marriage



## Xan (Sep 9, 2012)

What advice do you have for someone whose spouse has a hobby that leads him to leave home for weeks at a time?

I believe the term for me is "hunting widow." My husband and I have been married for almost six months, and this is our second hunting season. We eloped a few months ago, and now I'm planning our wedding--alone. He could not be bothered to help me with the planning, as he thinks having a wedding at all is a huge waste of time. Yet, I am expected to support his hobby by staying home and taking charge of all the household responsibilities, including the care of his ill-behaved dog.

The fierceness and passion he has for hunting is actually frightening. He is also a recovering alcoholic (stopped drinking years before we met), and this behavior seems obsessive and unhealthy. Hunting really is his new addiction.

I'm trying to be patient, but I'm sad, lonely, and I definitely feel like I'm second fiddle to this hobby.


----------



## StuckInMud (Aug 9, 2012)

Have you told him how you feel? I have been through similar with my wifes skiing.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Tell him how you feel. 

Also if this is becoming a serious problem for him then give him an ultimatum. 

Being married is a full time commitment, not part time.


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

He's being unfair and selfish. Sounds like you need MC. Someone who will give a fair appraisal of your marriage.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Xan said:


> What advice do you have for someone whose spouse has a hobby that leads him to leave home for weeks at a time?
> 
> I believe the term for me is "hunting widow." My husband and I have been married for almost six months, and this is our second hunting season. We eloped a few months ago, and now I'm planning our wedding--alone. He could not be bothered to help me with the planning, as he thinks having a wedding at all is a huge waste of time. Yet, I am expected to support his hobby by staying home and taking charge of all the household responsibilities, including the care of his ill-behaved dog.
> 
> ...


Weeks at a time? How many weeks per year is he gone?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

how often dose he go. I used to go every wekend....before kids. lol 

I didn't help plan my wedding either because I thought it was a waste of money. spend thousands of dollars on one day. seem silly to me . But because I knew it was important to her I thought letting her plan everything was a good thing that way she could have it just how she wanted.

six months after we were married she said I wish we would have had a smaller wedding and put the extra money down on our house. that would have saved us thousands in interest. when I told her that before the wedding she wouldn't listen!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Xan:

I'm VERY confused on a couple of issues here.



> My husband and I have been married for almost six months, and this is our second hunting season.





> The fierceness and passion he has for hunting is actually frightening.





> He is also a recovering alcoholic (stopped drinking years before we met), and this behavior seems obsessive and unhealthy. Hunting really is his new addiction.


1.) How long have you known your husband in total (from the day you FIRST met him until today)?
2.) How long did you know your husband before you eloped with him?
3.) How long had you been OUT OF your PREVIOUS relationship when you started dating your husband?

Because you sound like a woman who is VERY SURPRISED by the day-to-day reality of your husband's life!:scratchhead: Unless this was an arranged marriage or a mail-order (from another country) bride situation, I can see NO REASON why you would appear so ignorant/surprised/clueless about how your husband conducts his everyday life!

Did you get out of a really bad relationship just before meeting your husband and jump out of the frying pan into the fire?

Anyone who DATED your husband for more than 6 months would have KNOWN he was a hunting fanatic. Did you just IGNORE this hunting behavior before you two eloped and got married? Of did you not know him for even 6 months before you two eloped and got married?



> We eloped a few months ago, and now I'm planning our wedding--alone. He could not be bothered to help me with the planning, as he thinks having a wedding at all is a huge waste of time.


 I can't say I blame him for feeling this way. It IS a lot of money, time, effort expended to have a second wedding when you ALREADY did that 6 months ago. If YOU want a wedding, then you should plan it, but I don't think you should dump on him for NOT wanting one...that's sort of the POINT of eloping! Why did you elope if you wanted a wedding? Did you feel pressured to 'do it now or never'? Did you change your mind AFTER the elopement and feel like you wanted family/friends to celebrate with you? 

Need more info on how/why you walked (seeminly blindly) into this relationship. Also, how does your husband manage to get WEEKS at a time off of work to hunt multiple times during the year? Are you two retirement age? Does he use ALL his vacation time for hunting? 

Lastly, is this a 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) marriage FOR EITHER OF YOU?

Hang in there, Xan, we'll be here for you.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband is a big hunter. He will even take a 10 night Alaskan trip every year. On top of that he'll leave on the weekends. He'll even take time off of work to hunt. We've spent a lot of money in his gear. However, he does not drink and never has had any addictions, not even caffeine.

I honestly don't mind the trips. My husband does work very hard for us. I'm a SAHM and I do not work. Hunting season is upon us. My husband hunts deer, duck, pheasants, and turkey. He fishes for salmon and brings 40lbs of fresh salmon home. I do cook every last bit of what he brought home. I could do without the gamey birds. I did put my foot down on bear hunting. That would mean an additional 10 night Alaskan trip in the spring.

I knew before we were married that my husband was big into hunting. It's in his blood as well as his older brother. I personally would not like to sit still in the freezing cold. It's not my thing. I have a hobby at home that my husband let's me have that is not cheap. We really try to support each other as best as possible. 

I'd have a problem if my husband was a current alcoholic or had any addiction. 

Good luck. I'm might be one of the very few women who supports hunting season. I don't really know.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

No, you're not!

I'm a woman who DOESN'T like to hunt (but I also don't like to fish, golf, or play tennis.) But I support anybody's right to hunt (or own guns) who wants to. I figure, each to his own. If everyone was the same it would be pretty boring!


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

As an Eagles fan, I find the irony of how Americans embrace "hunting" comical. But any hobby, even if it was football...that takes that much time away from the marital home tells you what your priority is on the hierarchy of importance to him.

Hunting>>>>>>>>>>>you.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So he took up hunting after you married 6 months ago? Or did you marry a man who has this as a fundamental part of his life hoping to change him? I think you chose to marry a hunter and surprise, he goes hunting. To ask him to change after the fact is selfish.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So he took up hunting after you married 6 months ago? Or did you marry a man who has this as a fundamental part of his life hoping to change him? I think you chose to marry a hunter and surprise, he goes hunting. To ask him to change after the fact is selfish.


:iagree:

I'm not a hunter but know a lot of them. Hunters, for whatever reason, are definitely DIE HARD about going. You're not going to change that. It could be worse. I know a couple who live in Maine and the season for deer that he hunts is 1 week. The week of Thanksgiving and her birthday falls during hunting season. He comes out of the woods to take her to dinner on her birthday and for Thanksgiving, aside from that she doesn't see him for that week.

I have customers in Pennsylvania who shut down the entire company for a week because if they didn't 90% of their employees wouldn't show up. Yes, hunters are that committed to it. Frankly, I wouldn't call hunting a hobby, it's more a lifestyle frankly. Most hunters see it as part of who they are.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Damn... now I want some venison! Haven't had any for YEARS. I grew up around hunters. My uncle still goes to the UP (that's Michigan's Upper Peninsula) every November during rifle season. I have friends who do bow season AND rifle season...Damn, now my mouth is REALLY watering for some venison. Seriously, who's gonna shoot a deer for me. I want some damn it!

Oh, anyway, I grew up around "deer drinkers" and true hunters. Every year, each of them got at least one buck or doe. Some even did small game. Every. Single. Year. Hell, I'd let my husband go for a couple weeks if he wanted. If he comes home with meat to last a couple months, why not? 
Unfortunately, he is not able to right now.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'll send you some jerky maricha!


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'll send you some jerky maricha!


I bought liquid smoke meaning to make it, but we end up marinating and grilling the meat. Eventually I'll get my homemade jerky!

Venison is one of my all time favorite meats, especially a well/corn fed doe! Yum! The best part is that it's very low in fat, which means healthy meals.

My kids love it too!


----------



## donders (May 9, 2012)

Xan said:


> I'm sad, lonely, and I definitely feel like I'm second fiddle to this hobby.


You feel sad, lonely, and second fiddle because you ARE.

It's not going to change, so either press on knowing it's not going to get better or pull out while it's still relatively easy and not as complicated as it will be down the road.

Oh, and screw the wedding plans.

He probably won't even show up if it's during hunting season.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I remember the first year I dated my now wife I left for the mountians and came home 17 days later and she pitched a fit ...this is bull sh*t I anin't goint to stand for it. and I calmly said I was hunting before I met you and I'll be hunting after your gone. take it or leave it you ani't telling me when and how I can hunt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I guess shes ok with not buying beef! and now I have two boys who can fill tags! NICE! 


cut up the good steaks and grind the rest! venison meatballs yummy!


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'll send you some jerky maricha!


Sounds like a plan! 

Chilly.... pretty please may I have some STEAKS?!?!?!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Damn, now my mouth is REALLY watering for some venison. Seriously, who's gonna shoot a deer for me. I want some damn it!


Don't know where you live in Michigan, but if you're in suburban Detroit, go to Deadwood Grill in Northville (Northville Rd. near 7 Mile Rd.). They have a venison chili that is DELICIOUS (just had some last week!)


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Don't know where you live in Michigan, but if you're in suburban Detroit, go to Deadwood Grill in Northville (Northville Rd. near 7 Mile Rd.). They have a venison chili that is DELICIOUS (just had some last week!)


Sigh... other side of the state.... perhaps there's a place in/around Holland.... lol


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I used to love going to Holland.


----------



## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

Xan said:


> What advice do you have for someone whose spouse has a hobby that leads him to leave home for weeks at a time?
> 
> I believe the term for me is "hunting widow." My husband and I have been married for almost six months, and this is our second hunting season. We eloped a few months ago, and now I'm planning our wedding--alone. He could not be bothered to help me with the planning, as he thinks having a wedding at all is a huge waste of time. Yet, I am expected to support his hobby by staying home and taking charge of all the household responsibilities, including the care of his ill-behaved dog.
> 
> ...


I too have addictive behavior. Hunting may be his thing now, but sometime it will likely turn into something else that doesn't have him gone for weeks at a time. 

The positive side is that it at least isn't some sort of drug dependency. Trying to fight through not only his emotional want to partake in his addiction, but also the chemical addiction is very difficult.

You might want to read "The Five Love Languages". It essentially helps you determine the methods of showing love that you and your husband like the most. To him, sex might be the biggest way that you could possibly show that you love him. So naturally, he would project that on to you and assume that's the best way he could show that he loves you.

If you can somehow get him to understand that (I assume) spending quality time with you is the best way for him to make you happy and feel loved, you might just be able to get him to go on these trips less frequently and make you a top priority. It might take a while to do this, but hopefully you view your marriage as a lifetime commitment. There will be ups and downs, and you will both have to work through them if you want to stay together. Divorce isn't as easy as everybody makes it sound.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Sounds like a plan!
> 
> Chilly.... pretty please may I have some STEAKS?!?!?!


sure I'll have to harvest one first as we ate it all up from last year!

but I'll be sure to send some your way. If you want you can PM me your address or wait until I bag one then send it but I like sharing the harvest so no problem there!!!!!


----------

