# separated from wife , initiating no contact, need advice



## Dusty72

Hi there, I have just started the no contact rule with my separated wife.she says that she can't give me what i want and that she has no emotional connection with me anymore and that cant we 'just be friends'
I have been in a relationship with her for 5 years and married for just over 3 years.It all started to go wrong just after our marriage as I was trying to sell my house and my ex wife agreed , I have two children from my ex wife 10 and 14 year old girls.
My new wife wanted me to sell the home where my ex wife and my kids were living , subsequently we had a buyer , but the buyer pulled out which really annoyed my new wife so much so that she blamed me so much for this.Also I do like a drink whereas my present wife drinks very little and this really became an issue with her , I went to counselling because she kept accusing me of being an alcoholic, however the counsellors said that i wasnt dependent as i was able to stay off the drink for a number of weeks, anyway to get to the point, my wife went out one night for a friends birthday , so i had a slip in my new found sobriety and had few beers , next morning she found out about this and i stupidly lied to her , she saw through my lying and went down the trash can outside our house and found the empty beer cans , she then flew into a rage and promptly kicked me out stating that she cannot trust me and lied to me .
a month later we had a prebooked a vacation so we decided to go on that otherwise we would have lost all our money due to late cancellations clause , so we decided to go and see how things went , she actually said to me ," maybe we rekindle the spark in our relationship" .... thing is we had a fabulous time together , had sex on numerous occasions during the vacation....however we we got back , she has just gone distant on me so i kept pursuing her but it just pushed her away.....I don't know what to do for the best I am not drinking anywhere near what i was and I so much want to rebuild her trust , any advice or is it finally over , aslo by going no contact is this a good ploy , does it even work??


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## Mr.Fisty

Take time to consider if you can be happy with her, and forget the love for the moment. Love is a drive and does not care whether it is a fulfilling relationship, if you are married to a great person, or a terrible person.

You're giving a lot of yourself towards her and from the sound of it, she is not willing to compromise or understand.

I am not a drinker myself, but it does not seem like you are an alcholic or use it as a crutch.

You may love her, but she might not be right for you. You have to take a step back and look. Can you be happy in five years, ten years,or twenty?

Keep working on the 180 and be a more strong, confident you. Your life stems from you and make sure you can be fulfilled before getting her back. What is the point of getting back together if you both cannot work together instead of you bending towards her. She sounds like she has anger issues and you live your life around not getting her angry.


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## Dusty72

Thanks for your response Mr Fisty, I dont get drunk (ok once or twice in the last two years) when I drink and never have any symptoms of the shakes etc the next morning , I just like the odd couple of beers now and again , however that was just too much for her.plus a lot of it stems from how she so wanted to get this house sold , she kept saying "you promised me that you would have sold that house and its all your fault that it hasn't " , even though i did get it sold eventually, about 8 months later.
I do love my wife dearly and want her back but I see where you are coming from , maybe if I can stay no contact i might decide that maybe she wasn't the right person for me .....what i cannot reconcile is that if you have been in a relationship for so long , how can she be so cold and distant towards me ....maybe it's her way of protecting her heart, anyway I will continue the no contact ....being friends with her is just not an option for me , it would hurt too much , especially if she has found someone else...I suppose I just got to self heal , however its so hard.


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## jld

How could it hurt you to stop drinking?

If you lied to her, no wonder she left you. Lying is a huge trust breaker.


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## Dusty72

it wouldn't hurt me to stop drinking .....I would go teetotal and mean it for the rest of my days ....but the thing is , that she doesn't think i could do that ...therefore zero trust , how can you get someone to trust you when you are separated ...surely if she was willing to take me back , she would see this in her own eyes , even do a lie detector test.....
in fact she did say that a short while ago just after the holiday ie: to take a lie detector test in say six months time to see if I stick to my word .....i said ok , but these past weeks she has not been feeling very well , perimenopause and although we werent having sex , we where still holding hand when going for dog walks out to restaurants etc and she would cuddle up to me in bed , as she let me stay over , "whenever i wanted to " even though i had moved into a new flat because of the initial separation...I thought slowly things were working out , I wasn't drinking hardly at all only the odd glass of wine with a meal , the same as her ....then last week she went all distant and just called me up and said its all over...Im devastated


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## LongWalk

I used to drink a beer with dinner every night. One day, after a physical, the doctor called me and told me my liver enzymes were elevated. I went in for another array of blood tests. No, hepatitis or anything else. Only likely cause – alcohol. So I cut out drinking. I have one beer once in a while but I never sit around and think about how nice it would be to have a drink. The reality is I am genetically not cut out for it. My 85-year-old mother is drinking a beer every night. It's not hurting her. Luck of the draw.

Anyway, cutting alcohol way back is a way to gain control of your life. Becoming an absolute teetotaler is perhaps not true control because it suggests rigidity. 

As to getting your wife back, I think the chances are not so good. But what you should do is cut way back on socializing with her as a friend because that is painful for you. "If it hurts don't do it," said GutPunch, a great TAM poster. 

How far away are you from your daughters?

They are more important then your wife.

Concentrate on being there for them. You will find a new wife or GF. You will not get new daughters. When you are there for your daughters and yourself, you will find new strength and purpose.


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## brooklynAnn

Dusty, you cant control how people act. What you can control is your actions and behavior. Stop drinking. No drinking beer, wine or anything. Take care of your self during this time. Concentrate on making yourself better. Exercise, eat well and start getting some interest outside of the house.

The reason why I am telling you to stop drinking is because your wife has an issue with this. It's seems major to her. I have issues with drinking, i would have a real problem if my husband drinks a few beers every night. 

The reason being is I have a uncle who has been a drunk for the last 20 years. My cousin died from drinking last year, drank himself to dead in 2 years after his wife left him. So, stop the drinking, especially when your are alone. 

Don't expect your wife to come back anytime soon. It seems she has a lot of problems on her own to take care of. Give it time. Stop expecting anything from her. The only problem is that you might become so detached that you don't want her anymore. So maybe, it time to get some professional help, both individually and together. Good luck.


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## Dusty72

Thanks longwalk and brooklynAnn for your great advice.
My girls are about 100 miles away in a different county, I see them every fortnight for the weekend , whereby I stay at my parents house as they live near to them.I used to bring my girls back to the marital home however my wife was never interested in them , she has a daughter who has just gone to univeristy and a son who is 15 so it would be like the brady bunch but my wife told me once "I tolerate your kids , that's all" which upset me at the time....
I don't want another wife , girlfriend and I think you are right , giving up the drink would be heaven sent to her , but I'm just worried that she will find something to else to beat me over the head with..
My wife didn't have a happy childhood , her dad who is still alive refuses to see here ,(she hasn't seen him since she was about 7) , her mother is very strict and would'nt allow her the freedom most kids enjoy ....and to top it all she was raped when she was in her early twenties by an ex boyfriend (who happened to be drunk at the time)...so I can see why alcohol is a big problem for her


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## TJW

> how can you get someone to trust you


You cannot change other people. They believe what they want to believe, and many times completely ignore your attributes and virtues.

I agree with previous posters. It sounds like, to me, that your wife has her own issues which are driving her behavior and that is the primary reason why you see no correlation between your actions and her responses.

It also sounds like she found your "drinking" as a convenient scapegoat to justify her own control issues.



> I'm just worried that she will find something to else to beat me over the head with..


I think you're absolutely right. If you don't drink, it will become something else. It will also require you to be on the wagon for a decade or so before she will ever agree that you have stopped.


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## Dusty72

TJW , i was discussing this with my father the other day and he said to me exactly what you said ...his words were "all this BS about drink is just a smokescreen"


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## Dusty72

another thing , Do I stay in no contact ? she was pretty annoyed when I didn't agree to wanting to be 'Friends' when she dropped the bombshell on me


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## brooklynAnn

Dusty, a woman who has no interest in your kids and just tolerates them is not wife material. Your kids are more important than any woman. I would sent my husband packing if I had to choose between him or my kids. 

She does not have what it takes to be in a marriage. Which means compromise, loyalty, caring for and uplifting your spouse. She needs lots of professional help. Something you don't have the ability to provide. So change yourself. Take care of you.

Hell, no. You are not her friend. You are her husband and if she cant honor that, then, there is nothing left.


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## Dusty72

Thanks BrooklynAnn, 

We did go to get professional help , at the same place , however I did regularly meet with a counsellor , she went once and when he started to dig up her past ..she never went anymore , so I think you have hit the nail on the head regarding that.

Yes , not liking my kids was a really upsetting thing for me , but as i was and still are in love with her I just went along with it :frown2:


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## brooklynAnn

It's amazing how "being in love" gives us permission to throw our values out. Until, it turns around and bite us in the behind. The good thing is that hearts heal and we can learn from all the bad experiences.


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## WandaJ

yeah, it does not sound like a wonderful woman. Making fight over two bears? if she found twelve bottles, that would be different story, but two?

And "tolerating" you kids should have been a warning flag. Kind of disrespectful to you to say that.


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## Dusty72

Yes Wanda, The "tolerating bit like I said did throw me a curveball so to speak , but i loved my wife so put up with it.

I jut wished that she would seek professional help as she does have issues , she also has Rheumatiod arthritis , she is only 49 and that causes her to be moody , but it doesnt stop her going out horse riding with her buddies.

Another couple of things , she met up with her ex boyfriend , only for coffee before we were married , i dont think there was anything in it but she said that it didn't matter as we weren't married then !!

also when we initially separated i found out that she was going out for dog walks and coffee with a male friend of ours , his girlfriend at the time left him , but i saw texts on her phone (i wasn't snooping but it was just on the side of the breakfast bar) from him and although pretty inncocent looking texts i was upset and accused her of having an emotional affair , im sure she didn't do anything but things like this and in the previous paragraph were things she was lets just say ...very economic with the truth about with me .

One other thing , before she dropped the bombshell , she changed the status of our relationship on facebook from Married to just friends , when i quizzed her about this , she said she was looking at some pictures her girfriend ha put up , didn't like my picture and tried to delete it and somehow messed up ....I know i have lied to her in the past about my drinking , but i always thought she was this snow white character, however it just goes to show that she has been lying to me


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## LongWalk

What crock of BS.

I gather your live is some how split between England, Wales and Scotland. If you daughters are young, go live by them and make a new life. I take your house is gone now.

Have you been paying your WAW's mortgage?


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## Dusty72

Yeah it is a Crock of S**t believe me.

It's split al-right , yes I was thinking of moving near to where my girls live , they are 10 and 14 but I can't at the moment , locked into a lease so can't break that at the moment , also I live very close to work , so would need to relocate / find a new job nearer , so lots of life changing things I need to do.

Sorry not sure what you mean by WAW , I'm assuming it's my current separated wife , I was giving her £500 per month plus paying all utilities /council tax , broadband and telephone , which amounted to about £900 per month.

Thing is I know it sounds stupid and love does blind ones self , but i still love her and want to sort things out with her...maybe im deluding myself


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## WandaJ

She is done, and franly, you will be better for it.


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## LongWalk

From the sound of it you've ploughed or plowed a lot of money into your join economy, so much in fact that you have not got enough for your own daughters.

How much do think she owes you?

Who owns the house she is living in?

Show her no mercy in getting your fair share out of the divorce. 

Your love has been misplaced.


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## bandit.45

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I have been where you are. 

Deal with your issue bro. Get to AA, and treatment if you have to, and fvcking deal with it, or you will continue this pattern the rest of your life. No woman wants to be married to a drunk. It really is that simple.


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## Dusty72

I went to an addiction centre at my local Doctors surgery , the cousellors said based on my ability to go teetotal for 3 weeks which I did , that I am not an alcoholic/alcohol dependent etc: thing is I tried to compromise with my wife by asking if i could have a couple of drinks at the weekened , ie friday /saturday night , just a couple of beers and not to drink during the week at all , even though she drinks a glass of wine every night , but she wasn't happy with that , she said i need to be a social drinker, ie drink when she has a drink over a meal .....sort of like saying to me that i can only drink the same amount as her at the same time !!! WTF !!

It's her house , so dont own anything in her house .....funny thing is when i last spoke to her, she said I brought nothing to the marriage , only a computer ...but i have , I brought my love and do look after her if she is having problems with her condition , not only that , I'm always fixing things around the house , offer to do the cooking, take the trash out , walk the dog etc...

Anyway , it 's been a week of no contact , I'm desperate to get her to call me , but I dont think she misses me , she did say when she broke up with me , that "lets be friends" but i cant do that , not least at the moment , so I have no cards left to play except the 'no contact rule ' I despartely want to get her back and will do absolutely anything to make this marriage work , even though she has been pretty nasty and ambivalent about us for a long time , I got the I love you , but not in love with you speach about a year or so ago , but havent given up yet , because i want her still


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## Dusty72

Also just wanted to add : we Separated a week before her birthday - 1st week in June ,I bought her a lovely necklace from tiffany & co, which she liked but I didn't go out with her on her actual birthday , she went with her kids and Ex Husband (I know that sounds weird , but she has this unique platonic thing with her ex , for the kids sake , however her kids are pretty much grown up now 18 and 15...I know pretty strange) She lives in her house , I was staying at my parents , I ended up getting a flat nearer to where i work and where she lives.
Like I said in my previous posts , we already had a vacation booked in July , which we went on , and had a fantastic time , lots of loving and sex ...however since coming back from holiday , the sex stopped , although she asked me to "come over to hers when ever i wanted to" , we would cuddle up in bed , and hold hands when going out to restaurants , dog walks , but the last week and a half she has just said it's all over , it was like she was giving me mixed messages , she finally told me it's not working and wants a formal separation her reasons being that she would never be able to trust me again and that it is also that she "cannot give me what I want" , ie: a loving , sexual relationship ....I'm so confused !!!


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## aine

Dusty72 said:


> it wouldn't hurt me to stop drinking .....I would go teetotal and mean it for the rest of my days ....but the thing is , that she doesn't think i could do that ...therefore zero trust , how can you get someone to trust you when you are separated ...surely if she was willing to take me back , she would see this in her own eyes , even do a lie detector test.....
> in fact she did say that a short while ago just after the holiday ie: to take a lie detector test in say six months time to see if I stick to my word .....i said ok , but these past weeks she has not been feeling very well , perimenopause and although we werent having sex , we where still holding hand when going for dog walks out to restaurants etc and she would cuddle up to me in bed , as she let me stay over , "whenever i wanted to " even though i had moved into a new flat because of the initial separation...I thought slowly things were working out , I wasn't drinking hardly at all only the odd glass of wine with a meal , the same as her ....then last week she went all distant and just called me up and said its all over...Im devastated



Dusty, i think there is some denial going on at your end. Why talk about being able to give up the drink? Just do it? Lying breaks trust, you have to rebuild it again. First step, go tee total. It shouldnt be such a biggie if you love her so much.

If this is a bother to you then maybe she is closer to the truth that you want to admit. Just because you can go three weeks without drink does not make you clean of dependency on alcohol or an alcoholic. There are different kinds of drink dependency.

On another note, how did you guys meet, you are both in your second marriage, was your meeting a result of an affair? How close is she to her first husband, anything that you should be looking at?


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## synthetic

You need to dump both the crappy wife and the drinking. 

End of story. Turn your back on both of them. You'll be a happy man soon.


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## Dusty72

Yes I can do that , I will do anything to save this marriage , I don't need to drink , if I do that , how can i prove it to her , she would say "I have heard all this before" , promise to take a lie detector test , she already wants me to do that !!

The thing is she has checked out of our marriage now, I have no contact with her , ok That's due to me going no contact to want her to miss me as well as heal myself from the pain of losing her.

she divorced her first husband as he was having affairs, mine ended as my ex wife was also having an affair.

We met on a dating website 

Do you think going no contact is a good thing???? , should i try to reconcile a meeting with my wife and try one last time ...maybe suggest that i go teetotal and let her rebuld the trust that way , although she is so far gone now ...i dont think that is viable anymore


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## Dusty72

she is very close to her ex husband , he comes over quite a bit , although I am sure there is absolutely nothing in it , he comes over to only talk about the kids , pick them up and run them where they want to go , like a taxi service....

But she talks him as a confidant too , it seems sometimes she respects him more than she does me ....even though he had affairs...I have never done that at all , never even looked at another woman..

She says that i have hurt her so much , even so much that she puts me on a par with her ex , trust gone , loyalty gone etc , only because i like having a drink now and again ...surely , that's something we can work on ...i would imagine infidelity is a definite deal breaker !!


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## manfromlamancha

Dusty, you are dealing with different issues here that you need to tackle separately.


First, there is your drinking. Get this under control as soon as possible, mate. This will make you feel better and make you a better person in general, not just for your wife's sake. It sounds like you are almost there and you should focus on this for your own sake and not because anybody else is telling you to do it. Once you do this, you will, as synthetic says, become a better man.


Then there is the question of your weird relationship with your "wife". Here are my thoughts on this:




She is still in too much contact with her ex and makes emotional room in her heart for other men from time to time.


She does not respect you and to her you are simply a sex partner (sometimes) and someone who takes care of her and stuff around the house (from time to time).


You are not a husband, partner, soul mate, or anything like that (to her).


You "own" nothing in the house and in her mind have not really brought anything to the marriage.


You are very codependent on her and she knows it but is getting tired of it now that the thrill of having someone at her beck and call has worn off.




So my advice on this is get out of this relationship as soon as possible mate - it is destructive to you and you can not and will not get better by you hanging around her. Focus on yourself and you will find someone who is worthy of you.


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## LongWalk

When you reach the point that you need the help of her ex to reestablish yourself, you have lost yourself in the relationship. Saving the relationship has become more important than self. That is unhealthy.

1) You can live without her
2) Make a plan to get back in your daughter's lives
3) Go to AA meetings
4) Work out – you have to replace alcohol and sex with some other positive feeling

Have you cut off all money flowing to her? That is the best way of speaking to her.


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## Dusty72

thanks for your advice Manfromlamancha and Longwalk

I will get control my drinking , for both our selves sake.

Yes the ex husband popping over is as much to do with he has nothing better to do in his life - when he did have a girlfriend recently he was hardly around at all - in fact we never saw him , it was only when his girlfriend dumped him , that he started coming around again , he even started crying in our kitchen once about his breakup and my wife was all caring and sympathetic ....made me feel sick inside really that she cared so much for him , although i was sympathetic too , it's never nice to see someone down ...but now i'm the one who is trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered life.

well, we bought a new bed together and we took a loan out for the wedding , I will continue to pay her for the loan , but as she is sleeping in this new bed i dont really want to pay my half for that , after all i dont want to pay for a bed that she has and also it would be really uncomfortable if a new guy moved in and was having sex with her in this bed , yet i was still paying for !!

I get your advice about moving on from her , but i want to fight for my wife, not become another statistic !!


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## Dusty72

oh , one more snippet: 
I shouldn't have looked but she has deleted her facebook account , totally !!
should I read anything into this , apart from the fact that she may be not wanting to know what she is up to !!?!?!


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## manfromlamancha

I agree with wanting to fight for a marriage and not become another statistic BUT you only do this with someone who (a) wants you; and (b) is worthy of you. She is not demonstrating this.

She deleted her Facebook account so that she doesn't have to either answer your questions as to why she has changed her marital status and also on the other hand not let the world know that she is married as she wants to appear available.

I am sorry to say this, but she might be shopping for your replacement.

Dusty, why did she marry you ? (in your opinion)


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## Dusty72

Yes she could be doing that regarding facebook - yes she might be shopping around , but she told me that she is not looking for a new love .....not that one should believe everything that someone says to you..

I believe she married me , so that we could get a house together,(even though she has a house already) also that i would look after her as she has Reumatoid arthritis , (although it's not that bad as she goes horse riding every weekend and most days when she is on school holidays , she is a teacher) I think that she thought that i would be able to care for her on my income if she had to give up work although I earn t about £45k at that time , she was very adamant that i needed to sell my house that i had with my ex wife where my kids lived, she didn't care about my kids welfare ...to her it was all about that, so much so that when we did get a buyer for my house she was all happy when we initially got married , it was only when we came back from honeymoon , the buyer pulled out and she was very displeased (that's an understatement) ...so much so that she said to me ..."you promised the house would be sold , you promised "......... how the hell can i influence a stranger to buy my house then pull out at the last minute.
I think that was the catalyst to when things started to go wrong, she was always saying "oh you always do what your ex wife wants you to do regarding my child visitations with my ex wife" which hurt me too...as if I was putting my ex wife above her needs ..i wasn't I was putting my kids first , so that was it in a nutshell


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## Dusty72

another thing , i would see my kids every other weekend , she didnt do anything with my kids , saying "you should be spending quality time with them on your own" and then she would go off and do her own thing , ie: go horse riding with her girlfriends !! 

I even used to take her son out to go swimming with my kids , but she wouldn't come to a movie , go bowling , ice skating ...stuff i did with my kids and her son...in the end I stopped bringing my kids around and just stayed at my parents with them .


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## manfromlamancha

So her wanting you just for you to take care of her and her arthritis, while distancing your kids makes her a good person how ?

She sounds like a truly vile person and I really cannot understand you putting up with all her sh!t.


Strongly recommend that you get yourself out of this situation asap. Let her find some other schmuck to take care of her and put up with her [email protected]


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## Dusty72

manfromlamancha said:


> So her wanting you just for you to take care of her and her arthritis, while distancing your kids makes her a good person how ?
> 
> She sounds like a truly vile person and I really cannot understand you putting up with all her sh!t.
> 
> 
> Strongly recommend that you get yourself out of this situation asap. Let her find some other schmuck to take care of her and put up with her [email protected]


I was fearing that whats what you was going to say , I know deep down I have not been happy and put up with a lot of [email protected] from her , but im hurting terribly from this break up.....I don't know if this is relevant , but she is in perimenopause and she has been feeling really faint and unwell these last few weeks , possibly that is why she has dumped me and not seeing things clearly , I will keep up the no contact as the pain of seeing her would put me right back to square one , been in no contact for a week now.


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## naiveonedave

TJW said:


> It also sounds like she found your "drinking" as a convenient scapegoat to justify her own control issues.
> 
> 
> 
> I think you're absolutely right. If you don't drink, it will become something else. It will also require you to be on the wagon for a decade or so before she will ever agree that you have stopped.


This happened to a friend of mine, who ended up going through AA, even though he wasn't addicted, totally cut alcohol out of his life, only to find out that the now exW was using this scapegoat as justification for her affair.


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## Dusty72

Hmmm....yes what TJW said did strike a chord with me ....thing is I must admit that I really fell for my wife because she is extremely pretty , has a lovely figure ....sometimes these things blur ones judgement....that in itself isn't the sole reason why I married her , she came across as very caring, honest and seemingly a really nice person initially , but over the years always blamed me for one thing or another , she on the other hand was blameless , a snow white character...in hindsight , she had zero respect for me or my kids and lately has lacked complete integrity....but I still love her and want her back.... sucker for love eh !?!?! 

Just two points I need help on
1) why would she seem to be warming to me , especially after we had such a fantastic holiday (vacation) together only to , seem distant drawn out to the point now that she is emotionally detached and just 'wants to be friends' ...could it be her going through the peri menopause , I have read that women going through this become withdrawn and marriages have broken up because of this life change???

2) I still want her back , we were seeing each other through the separation and apart from not wanting sex , (see point 1 ), were getting on fine holding hands , cuddling in bed together, until she dropped the bombshell on me about a week and a half ago. Now I have gone no contact, 180 ....to get some perspective and space , but also to see if she misses me , I want to continue this for about 30 days , it's been a week so far....do anyone think that is a good idea ????


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## WandaJ

Dusty72 said:


> I was fearing that whats what you was going to say , I know deep down I have not been happy and put up with a lot of [email protected] from her , but im hurting terribly from this break up.....I don't know if this is relevant , but she is in perimenopause and she has been feeling really faint and unwell these last few weeks , possibly that is why she has dumped me and not seeing things clearly , I will keep up the no contact as the pain of seeing her would put me right back to square one , been in no contact for a week now.


You will hurt for a while now, but you will be in much better place long term. She did not really love you, she used you. Very cold attitutde towards your kids.


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## Dusty72

Thanks Wanda , I think you are right ,I was not perfect but jeez , the way she didn't want to get involved with my kids should have been a big red flag, first time i took my little one round her house we were having a sunday roast and my then 8 year old dropped a potato on the floor , my wife sort of lost it and although didn't say anything her actions were that she slammed her knife and fork down on the table and just scowled at me as if to say ...'your child is such a messy eater ...i'm disgusted' ....When i dropped my daughter home i did mention to my wife that she overreacted but she thought that it was ok and that she should have better manners ,,,FFS an 8 year old child ,,,says it all I suppose !!


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## bandit.45

Dusty72 said:


> Thanks Wanda , I think you are right ,I was not perfect but jeez , the way she didn't want to get involved with my kids should have been a big red flag, first time i took my little one round her house we were having a sunday roast and my then 8 year old dropped a potato on the floor , my wife sort of lost it and although didn't say anything her actions were that she slammed her knife and fork down on the table and just scowled at me as if to say ...'your child is such a messy eater ...i'm disgusted' ....When i dropped my daughter home i did mention to my wife that she overreacted but she thought that it was ok and that she should have better manners ,,,FFS an 8 year old child ,,,says it all I suppose !!


Um...I know you're hurting but...

You can do better. Way better.


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## Dusty72

Yes Bandit , the more I think about it ...yes I can do better...the hurting will go on , but i just need to let time heal me


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## WandaJ

Time will heal. And try not to use menopauze as your ray of hope, that deep down inside she is loving and caring lady, it's just her hormones. If someone says they want separation or divorce, believe them. They put a lot of time and thought into the idea before they said it outloud to you. It is not something you take out of thin air.

When you hurt missing her - think of all those moments she disrespected you, your children, withdrew her attention from you and gave it to her girlfriends. Maybe write them down, make them more tangible?


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## NotEasy

WandaJ said:


> Time will heal. And try not to use menopauze as your ray of hope, that deep down inside she is loving and caring lady, it's just her hormones. If someone says they want separation or divorce, believe them. They put a lot of time and thought into the idea before they said it outloud to you. It is not something you take out of thin air.
> 
> When you hurt missing her - think of all those moments she disrespected you, your children, withdrew her attention from you and gave it to her girlfriends. Maybe write them down, make them more tangible?


Can't like this post enough.

Dusty, you seem to have love goggles on throughout your posts. You need to see reality before making major decisions. What about you write up list of all the things she has done which are bad for marriage, disrespected you, your children, time alone, facebook changes, her exH around .... just re-read this thread for them. If you want, on another sheet, write up the things she has done which are good for your marriage. I know which list will be longer. Pin the lists somewhere you will see often. Wait a day or two. I hope clarity and reality arrives.

Of course you know her better than us, but no-one here has said anything positive about her, apart from you. That is telling. Pretty and nice figure etc only goes so far. They don't go as far as respect and commitment. 

She just wants to be friends. How many friends do you pay rates etc for? Separate your finances.


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## Centurions

Greetings!

Man up, sir. You don't sound like an alcoholic to me. It sounds like she's a selfish, controlling shrew! She's pretty? So what. There are lots of pretty women out there. You're a *man*. You can drink responsibly.

My girlfriend once tried that controlling BS with me. I told her, "Look. I'm not an alcoholic. I rarely get drunk. I don't drink every day, sometimes going weeks without a single drink. I was drinking before you were born. I was drinking long before I ever met you. I've had it with your control-freak attitude about this. I'm an adult man. I am responsible. I will drink what I want, whenever I want. I am not a child. Either you respect me on this, or we're done, and you can hit the bricks."

She's been rational and respectful ever since. You, my friend, must not allow her--or any woman--control you, disrespect you, and treat you like a boy. You are a MAN. Get with the program of building a better you, and kick her to *the bricks*!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NotEasy

I was almost about to edit my last post, I wrote about the necessity of repect and commitment, without mentioning love. Love is a vital part of any marriage. Your love for her comes out in your posts. You may think you have enough love for her to sustain the marriage, sadly it doesn't work that way. I don't see her love for you in your posts. The closest is her "I love you , but not in love with you" speech. To me that means she doesn't love you, but wants to cushion the blow. I certainly don't see her love for you in her current actions. And so I can't see a gentle way to ask my next question. My brutal question to you is "do you think she ever loved you?". 

Sorry to be so brutal.

Of course we only can read your posts and no-one can write everything down. With almost every one of your posts dripping with your love for her, it is odd that you haven't mentioned her love for you.

On a less brutal tack, I don't think you are an alcholic. Even so it might be worthwhile to abstain for a while, to prove that you are not. 180 includes self improvement, this could be part of your self improvement. Maybe go to AA, but I doubt you need it, you sound like an occassional social drinker who could easily quit. Perhaps write of FaceBook that you are abstaining for X months, just to prove you can. Maybe she deleted here account, but I guess she still reads yours. Anyway do it more for you than for her. 

The problem was not that you drank when she was away, but that you lied about it. The lying was stupid.

What other self improvement activities have you started as part of your 180? I think concentrating on something else may help you see clearly.


----------



## Dusty72

Thanks Guys /Girls for all your posts .....

I think she loved me before we got married ....however , funny thing is I cannot ever remember here saying to me "I love you" , when i say it to her nearly every other day.

I am seeing some friends this weekend, to get away , hope to have some good catch up time and fun with them, I am thinking of getting into some sporting activities too in the future.

Yes I know , I messed up by lying to here ...not a good thing do to 

I do like that listing of all the good bad things ......the bad things will run off the page , whereby the good things will only be barely fill half a page...I will do that , thanks for the advice.


----------



## Dusty72

just a quick point that centurions mentioned ....

She knew that i liked a drink now and again when she first met me , maybe she was trying to mould me into what she wanted , she also does treat me like a 4 year old at times , probably because she is a primary school teacher...

anyway , will write my lists out , I know how that's going to turn out
:crying::crying:


----------



## synthetic

> but i want to fight for my wife, not become another statistic !!


You already are another statistic. Just another man who wants to "fight for his wife" when his wife has other things in mind. There are hundreds of you here (I was a statistic myself)

Think of that little-boy you used to be Dusty. The 5-6 year old sweet energetic boy that had a world of options ahead of him. Is this what he deserves? Are you being what that boy should've become?

Read this link and absorb it. Don't just read it. Understand it.

*DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*


----------



## LongWalk

Remember that when she had no patience for the potato on the floor, she told you a great deal about her character. Concentrate on the things that are important in life. Even if you cannot be with your girls everyday. You can call them more often.


----------



## Dusty72

LongWalk said:


> Remember that when she had no patience for the potato on the floor, she told you a great deal about her character. Concentrate on the things that are important in life. Even if you cannot be with your girls everyday. You can call them more often.


Yes that incident , very early on in our relationship certainly did shock me ....I know she can be horrid and just tolerates my kids , not good , not good at all....like an earlier poster said , I need to take off my love goggles....as although I am far from perfect , with regards to my drinking , I managed to get that under control , thought we turned a corner and bam , she just hit me for six...with I dont have any feelings for you anymore want a formal seperation etc.
I had such a bad weekend , went out with friends ,which was nice , but yesterday , just couldn't stop crying , had to go to the doctors this morning , having terrible suicidal thoughts.... it's my kids that are keeping me going
As i drove home from the surgery, with my prescription for prozac , I managed to drive past where I used to live , to my surprise my wife's car was on the drive , she never takes a day off as she is a school teacher ....don't know why this is relevant but just wanted to share this.....


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## Dusty72

one other thing , I have not spoken to her in a week , thought i would try no contact , A) to try and heal , but also b) to try to get her to miss me ....do you think i should continue with this strategy , I really want to reach out to her , but I want her to reach out to me first , after all she was the one that ended it .....even though we had such a lovely holiday about six weeks ago , she was all loving , sex etc , now she has gone back to being cold etc....don't know what's best , do people sometimes reconcile after a period of No contact ????


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## Vorlon

Dusty, 

I really do feel for you. I noticed you have asked this question a few times. So I will answer it. Should you continue the 180 "No Contact"?

Absolutely Yes !!!!

Based on your posts you have absolutely no reason to contact her except for logistics about your divorce. No contact will help you heal. No contact will help you regain your self respect. No contact is the only chance you might have of her actually turning back to you BUT to be honest and you know this deep down in side, she never loved you. You loved her but she never returned you feelings in kind. It doesn't work that way. You both have to love each other and you both have to work your butts off everyday to make it work. 

Sorry too have to be so honest with you but those love goggles don't come off easily. 

Your STBXW saw you as a means to and end. You know this too. That is not love. You have simply out lived your usefulness to her. So she is moving on. You fell in love with a pretty face and a pretty good actress. Well she has decided to quit the show and leave the stage. Its like your the last man sitting in the theater and everyone including her has left the building. 

You have the time and opportunity to rebuild your life and pay proper attention to these people that actually love you. Your daughters for a start. Surround yourself with people that actually love and like you. People who are positive and have their life together. Get healthy, pursue hobbies, spend time with your daughters. Look forward to your future. Stop looking backward. You can't go back only forward. 

Vorlon


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## Dusty72

Vorlon said:


> Dusty,
> 
> I really do feel for you. I noticed you have asked this question a few times. So I will answer it. Should you continue the 180 "No Contact"?
> 
> Absolutely Yes !!!!
> 
> Based on your posts you have absolutely no reason to contact her except for logistics about your divorce. No contact will help you heal. No contact will help you regain your self respect. No contact is the only chance you might have of her actually turning back to you BUT to be honest and you know this deep down in side, she never loved you. You loved her but she never returned you feelings in kind. It doesn't work that way. You both have to love each other and you both have to work your butts off everyday to make it work.
> 
> Sorry too have to be so honest with you but those love goggles don't come off easily.
> 
> Your STBXW saw you as a means to and end. You know this too. That is not love. You have simply out lived your usefulness to her. So she is moving on. You fell in love with a pretty face and a pretty good actress. Well she has decided to quit the show and leave the stage. Its like your the last man sitting in the theater and everyone including her has left the building.


Thanks Vorlon, I will continue the no contact /180 on her
I did like the part about being a good actress....funnily enough , that's what she always wanted to be ....however her mum told her to get a proper job , that's why she is now a teacher , just like her mum was.....
Yes I did fall in love with a pretty face ...and the actress !!

I thought it would get easier, but it's getting tougher , I know that she will either contact me or I will have to contact her as my fishing gear and motorbike is still in her garage .....just want to leave it for a couple more weeks ....can't really face her at the moment , I dont want to come off as needy or too emotional...so will save the next two weeks getting mentally strong , so that when i do face her , hopefully i will be in a better place .

Seeing my kids this weekend so looking forward to that..


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## Dusty72

My wife has always blamed me for how she feels , she would always say , and said it the last time i met up with her ( 8 days ago now) , "it's all your fault , you did this to us , the drinking , the lying , the not standing up to your ex wife , putting her needs above mine , I haven't done anything wrong , you have done all this , I have tried and tried and tried , but i don't feel anything for you emotionally, i don't think i will ever be able to trust you again"
So I look back on this and think well I must have been so bad, that it just ground her down , although this "I love you not in love with you" has been going on a good 18 months now .....


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## Vorlon

Dusty72 said:


> My wife has always blamed me for how she feels , she would always say , and said it the last time i met up with her ( 8 days ago now) , "it's all your fault , you did this to us , the drinking , the lying , the not standing up to your ex wife , putting her needs above mine , I haven't done anything wrong , you have done all this , I have tried and tried and tried , but i don't feel anything for you emotionally, i don't think i will ever be able to trust you again"
> So I look back on this and think well I must have been so bad, that it just ground her down , although this "I love you not in love with you" has been going on a good 18 months now .....


This is all the evidence you need to clearly move on! She checked out on you and the marriage 18 months ago. Your just struggling to catch up. It is also proof that she will not and may not be able to be responsible for her own feelings like an adult. So she blames others and feels everyone else responsibility to make her happy. They are just excuses. 

This will hurt for awhile. But that is normal. That is what proves you are human and capable of real feelings.

My friend she is not wife material and perhaps never will be. Unfortunately there are a lot of broken people exactly like her and as result they leave a path of destruction and broken hearts in their wake. They play the part that they think will get them what they want but again when the play is over the makeup comes off there is nothing real behind the mask. They don't know how to live an authentic life. Its all a form of acting. 

Take the time you need to become strong. Count your lucky starts you don't have children with your STBXW or else you would be tied to that crazy for the rest of your life. Now that would truly be a tragedy.

There is a good women out there waiting for you and while your hanging on to this really bad women in your heart your making a wonderful and loving women who has been waiting for you to come into her life wait even longer. Get your life together, get your priorities straight and go find her. She is out there. She is not your current wife.


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## turnera

Dusty72 said:


> Thanks Guys /Girls for all your posts .....
> 
> I think she loved me before we got married ....however , funny thing is I cannot ever remember here saying to me "I love you" , when i say it to her nearly every other day.
> 
> I am seeing some friends this weekend, to get away , hope to have some good catch up time and fun with them, I am thinking of getting into some sporting activities too in the future.
> 
> Yes I know , I messed up by lying to here ...not a good thing do to
> 
> I do like that listing of all the good bad things ......the bad things will run off the page , whereby the good things will only be barely fill half a page...I will do that , thanks for the advice.


Dude, thank your lucky stars you're separated. You can 'love' her all you want, but you married a selfish, self-centered woman who chose you because you are weak enough to control and she wanted your income to make her life easier. Just accept that it was a mistake and move on.

And in the meantime, in all your newfound time alone, read No More Mr Nice Guy. It will SHOCK you, seeing yourself written about in that book.
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## Dusty72

Thanks vorlon and turnera for your wise words.....
I will see through the love goggles , what she is really like ....might take a bit of time still , but with all the posters kindly given me sage advice I think I will get there...hopefully sooner rather than later

and yes , I will look at that link and digest...

Many thanks all, just gotta keep getting mentally stronger one day at a time !!


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## LongWalk

You should drop her like hot potato, haha. Sorry, couldn't help myself.

I'll bet you liked her kids.


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## Dusty72

I did like her kids initially , would involve myself with them....would do stuff with the younger one and i would ferry the older one around like a taxi service.

anyway , there is a missing piece to this story , which may change some people's minds...not that i intentionally omitted but i want to give a concise account.

Well , after we got married and when we came back from cuba (lovely place to go incidentally) ,my STBXW was so pissed off with me about the house not being sold , i sort of was a bit ambivalent towards her , not in a nasty way , but i was seeing her true side , She wanted me to selll my house , where my kids lived , My Ex wife didn't earm a lot of money , but i was concerned about where my children were going to live... anyway relented and sold the house only for the buyer to pull out at the last minute...hence no sale at this time needless to say STBXW was P*ssed off big time.See she wanted sell her house me put money into the sale of my house so we could buy a better house together, even though her house is worth about £380,000 , ie: it's big enough with a nice garden etc:

Well anyway , We went to a new years eve dinner party......I got very , very drunk and started acting silly , just being the court jester really.....anyway after coming back from the party , Her eldest daughter about 16 at the time had had a massive party....well the place was a mess , it had been raining and as they were out in the garden , there was mud all over the carpets , up the stairs and bottles , cans, puke and spilt drink everywhere ....well I went ballistic and was verbally quite abusive (again only verbally) to my STBXW's daughter and her boyfriend...I then went upstairs to bed next day my wife told me to leave the house and as I was working in a hopsital at the time ended up getting a room in the nurses home......I spent about 3 -4 months there , before my STBXW reconciled with me and after a lot of apologising , let me back in to her house , on the proviso that i went for counselling (12 weeks ) which i did , see earlier posts.....

anyway, I have never been like that again and that was nearly 3 years ago .....just thought i'd share that with you soyou get a better perspective....cue the abuse , which i am bound to get now


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## Dusty72

I must add....I was very ashamed and remorseful, and rightly so


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## synthetic

Dusty72 said:


> I must add....I was very ashamed and remorseful, and rightly so


For what?!! For getting pi$$ed at a couple of sh1tbag teenagers? LOL!

Listen mate, we come from the same dark place. I got out. You will too, but don't be like me. Don't make this harder on yourself than you should. I wasted my entire 20s and most of my wealth escaping the death spiral. 

Divorce this woman and live a peaceful life. There are thousands of women out there for you. Almost every single one of them has a good chance of being a major upgrade compared to your crappy wife. This is not how it's supposed to be. You were never intended to spend the rest of your life with some phony woman who doesn't love you. It's not your destiny. There's no doubt in my mind that you will divorce her sooner or later. My advice is to do it as soon as possible. You will regret every single "extra" day wasted on this futile marriage.

Did you read the link I sent you? It's your ticket to freedom. Don't waste any more time.

*DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*


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## Dusty72

Thanks Synthetic, I did .....wise words , I will ...in time , once again thanks for your advice and support


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## Woodchuck

Your wife is exhibiting a lot of the red flags for having an affair. Being home on a work day could have been a tryst....Do a little checking, and if she is, kick her to the curb....If she isn't, kick her to the curb anyhow...She is a total narcissist, and will never be a suitable wife for anyone.....


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## Dusty72

Yes woodchuck , my mate thought she was a narcissist, although he only met her briefly, but he said to me that she is showing these exact traits...he was with a a true narcisstic woman....he has become an expert on it !!


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## turnera

Dusty72 said:


> I must add....I was very ashamed and remorseful, and rightly so


For what? I'd be ashamed of you if you HADN'T chewed them out. 

I AM ashamed that you had to apologize endlessly to get your wife to 'give' you the present of getting to move back in with her.

Those kids NEEDED to be chewed out for allowing that party to get that bad. That's how kids learn - consequences.


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## Dusty72

Just a quick update...haven't seen my separated wife now for 3 weeks, in that time she texted me just 2 times to ask whether i was ok and when i was going to pick up the rest of my stuff , ie:motorbike and fishing gear and another text to tell me i have mail and whether i wanted her to send that to me , even though we already discussed if i got mail , that she should just forward it to me....well I'm supposed to be going over to her's this saturday to get my stuff.

Thing is i know that i have to be all smiles and that i am getting on with my life but that going to be really hard , dont want to screw it up...but the thing is i have a gut feeling that she is posible seeing someone, have no direct proof just a gut instinct ...any ideas how i should proceed with meeting her and getting my stuff...i would really want to ask her if she is seeing someone , but she will probably deny it ..again i have no proof , but she deleted her relationship status on facebook and when i questioned her about this , she then proceeded to delete her account..any good advice would be very welcome???


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## Dusty72

just one more thing to add ...the reason why i suspect something going on , is that we separated briefly for about a month , then got back together to go on holiday ...it was only when i came back from holiday that i noticed that she had be texting a male friend ,( who was her girlfriends partner , until they split up) ....i confronted her about this although there were only about 10 texts on her phone , all seemed fairly innocent, but she then admitted to going out for dog walks , coffee with him whilst we were briefly separated ...i said to here this sounds like an EA but she was adamant that it was was just friendly as we both know him , but she kept this from me , i do believe that she must have texted him more than 10 times , but she said her phone deletes messages that are 30 days old !!

I told her to stop this and she said no , he is a friend that we both know , besides her words "he is ten years older than me , he is not even in my league" she is 49 by the way i am 48.....smells like BS to me !!


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## Satya

Bring at least one buddy with you to help pack. Prepare for her to have someone there with her, too, most likely. 

Don't go alone and don't BE alone with her for a moment. Bring a var. 

It's business, nothing more.

Get your stuff, pack, leave.


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## LongWalk

It's not certain that she deleted her FB account. She may just have blocked you. But chasing her on Facebook is just a sign of neediness. You reduced yourself even further from undesirable mistake to pest.

re: cheating
It is not improbable that she is swinging from branch to branch. That is the way women work. They are interested in security. She did not let go of you until she grabbed him.

re: the last good weekend
Stop over analyzing a particular episode of your life together. She probably had already made up her mind to split before and she just wanted smooth sailing before she hopped to the other boat.

Oneitis – the condition we can all get if we believe one person is the one can be crippling, especially if we tie up our self-worth in the rejection. When a relationship becomes more important than self and self is going down, then the relationship is unhealthy. 

You have a blessing in your two daughters. Concentrate on work. Save money. Spend time with being a good dad. Exercise. Pursue your hobbies. If you get these things right, you will find a new GF. You live in the UK somewhere in Northern England. Yes? Your ex lives in Wales or Scotland. On your weekends you can go and hike. There are hiking groups. Build up your connection to some place closer to your kids.


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## Dusty72

Thanks Longwalk, No I live in southern England , my kids live only about 100 miles from me in a different county , not country...
So yes will concentrate on my girls...

I just need to man up and let her my stbxw know that i dont need her to be happy ...wish me luck, when i meet her to get my stuff !!


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## turnera

Take someone with you!


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## LongWalk

You don't need to let her know anything. You simply do what you should and must do. Reconciling seems out of the question. Pick up your stuff. It will be hard not to act like a robot in order to hide your emotions. I suggest that you watch some stand up on YouTube, Jim Jefferies, for example. When you go to fetch your stuff you need to be as detached as possible and not latch on to her emotionally. If you let her get under your skin, it will just make the whole experience more painful.

Plan something for after you get pick it up. That way you will have a reason to work quickly and keep the day rolling.

If she has moved on to to a new guy, so what? The chance that they have found true love is small.

Let her file for divorce so that she pays the fees, hehe.


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## Openminded

Be civil but not overly friendly. 

You aren't friends so don't treat her like one.


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## Dusty72

just another quick update :
Text my stbxw yesterday evening , i needed her help as i need to drive over to hers to get my motorbike and fishing gear and asked her if she would drive my car with all the gear in back to mine and i would drop her straight back , round trip of about 40mins max ....she said no , she was too busy , told me to get public transport...i said that we could be friends and I was fine with this break up , I just needed this favour ...no dice.

also i had two important letters from the hospital that came to her house (the hospital have my address as hers , which it was up until the split) anyway she previously text me last friday told me the letters had arrived, she offered to mail them to my new address, i said yes please , thanks.anyhow , whislt texting her last night i told her that i hadnt received the letters ....she then said , "oh i havent sent them as i have been too busy with work etc".....WTF , i wouldn't have minded if they were bank statements, but these letters are important ie: to do with my health , so Im going over there via public transport to pick up my bike and letters , will have to get the rest of my gear one night next week , her idea.....
What do you good people think???? , my mate reckons she is a narcissist and my father told me she is showing her true colours and is a nasty piece of work , im done with her now ....


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## manfromlamancha

Your mate and father are both exactly right. Get yourself as far from her as possible - she is toxic for you.


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## LongWalk

You have a motorcycle and fishing gear. You don't need her.


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## Dusty72

LongWalk said:


> You have a motorcycle and fishing gear. You don't need her.


Yes...I think I will cherish those , along with my lovely children


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## Dusty72

Am I married to a narcissist ,I know from the limited explanation on here of what she is like...however what's everyone's views??


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## LongWalk

Instead of trying to figure out what is wrong with her, which you cannot fix. Think about what you can do for yourself. Make yourself as functional and productive as you can be.

What is your child custody schedule at present? Are you with your daughters less that you would like? Set a goal for improving this.

If you are working out, seeing your daughters regularly, being a better father, keeping your job steady, you will feel positive about yourself and you will find women to date. Your ex will be an experience. You should learn to laugh about it.


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## Dusty72

LongWalk said:


> Instead of trying to figure out what is wrong with her, which you cannot fix. Think about what you can do for yourself. Make yourself as functional and productive as you can be.
> 
> What is your child custody schedule at present? Are you with your daughters less that you would like? Set a goal for improving this.
> 
> If you are working out, seeing your daughters regularly, being a better father, keeping your job steady, you will feel positive about yourself and you will find women to date. Your ex will be an experience. You should learn to laugh about it.


My children are from a previous marriage , they live with my ex wife no:1 , so I have no children with my stbxw no:2 (which makes things a lot easier).

I suppose I just feel like a failure .....two marriages down the drain ....don't think my sanity could ever handle getting married again....
Will try to date when d comes through/things settle down ....right now will concentrate on what you said.


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## Tron

Dusty72 said:


> so Im going over there via public transport to pick up my bike and letters , will have to get the rest of my gear one night next week , her idea.....
> What do you good people think???? , my mate reckons she is a narcissist and my father told me she is showing her true colours and is a nasty piece of work , im done with her now ....


Then get your crap out of her house ASAP and be done with the b!tch! 

And don't ever tell her you will be friends...because you won't.

As soon as you move on to another woman, you won't think twice about her. 

And that is how you deal with a narcissist...complete indifference.


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## LongWalk

Many famous people have married and divorced a half dozen times. Don't sweat it.

Get all your stuff in one go or at least on the same day


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## LongWalk

When you get the divorce papers note the last possible response date on the calendar and chuck it the to be done drawer.


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## synthetic

Dusty72 said:


> Am I married to a narcissist ,I know from the limited explanation on here of what she is like...however what's everyone's views??


You're married to a an assh0le. Do you want to be married to an assh0le (narcissist or not)?


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## manfromlamancha

OK she's a narcissist and a Klingon - there you go! Now get the hell out of there.


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## perol

You promised her you wouldn't drink, you broke your promise and lied to her.

That makes you 1- not trustworthy 2- deceptive 3- someone who definitely has a drinking problem since you can't stop if you want to.

I see lots of people blaming this poor woman who didn't do anything unreasonable from what was written about her by the OP.

Also it's the guys SECOND marriage, and he rushed right into it after knowing her only 2 years. Why do people do this?

Whats the hurry to tie the knot again especially after failure the first time?


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## TeddieG

Dusty72 said:


> My wife has always blamed me for how she feels , she would always say , and said it the last time i met up with her ( 8 days ago now) , "it's all your fault , you did this to us , the drinking , the lying , the not standing up to your ex wife , putting her needs above mine , I haven't done anything wrong , you have done all this , I have tried and tried and tried , but i don't feel anything for you emotionally, i don't think i will ever be able to trust you again"
> So I look back on this and think well I must have been so bad, that it just ground her down , although this "I love you not in love with you" has been going on a good 18 months now .....


Projection.


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## Dusty72

Yes,I blame myself peron,I did drink more than I should have but I wasn't getting [email protected] ,just a couple of beers a night,weekends 3 or 4.....i only ever got drunk twice in all my time with her ,anyway I told her I would go teetotal to save our marriage even have a polygraph after 6 months....she said,I don't love you,accept it and sign the papers....im in bits
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dusty72

Peron,re read the whole of this sorry saga,she tolerated my children ie: She didn't care about them...yes I shouldn't have rushed into marriage again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

If she didn't embrace your kids, then you're better off without her.


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## Dusty72

turnera said:


> If she didn't embrace your kids, then you're better off without her.


No,she didn't..in fact she didn't want to marry me,because of all the aggro with my ex wife because she forced me to sell the home my kids lived in...my ex wife didn't earn much money and I was so concerned that my kids ended up in a halfway house until the council found her suitable accommodation..broke my heart having to do that tomy kids
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Er...uh...you never DID have to do that to your kids.

You CHOSE to do that to your kids so you could get sex with your new wife.


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## manfromlamancha

Dusty, mate, you know what you have to do. Dump this waste of space ASAP and as inexpensively as possible. And then go and make things better for your kids. You will be a better man and better off in the long run for it.

Why did you split with your first wife? How did you leave it - as friends?


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## Dusty72

I did choose,but it was more like it was like a gun to my head ....do it or we are finished.
My ex wife was having an affair,affairs I divorced her on that premise
We left it friendly for the kids sake,who I see every other weekend
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dusty72

Manfomlamancha,well she has dumped me,filed for divorce after a month of separation.....trying to come to terms with ,been crying,cant sleep,eat had time off work ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Dusty72 said:


> I did choose,but it was more like it was like a gun to my head ....do it or we are finished.


And...now you know to RUN when any woman makes such ridiculous demands, right? Especially when you're being asked to harm your own kids. Who cares about what your exwife was doing? You KNEW you were harming your kids and you were either to weak or too interested in your OWN interests to put them first.

I hope you're getting counseling for that.


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## Dusty72

Yes turnera,your kids are more important than relationships...i take your point,you are correct and for that I have to shoulder the blame
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

meh, you can make it up to them. They're still your kids. A good honest apology from you to them would go a long way. And then continued, consistent involvement in their lives hereonforward.


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## manfromlamancha

Not to worry Dusty. Trust me, she did you a favour. Get yourself untangled for her in the least messy (expensive) way and start again.

First, strengthen your relationship with your kids. You need to be their reliable, strong Dad.

Second, start looking at your women picking skills. You seem to pick the wrong women - your first wife a serial cheater and now a narcissist who is self entitled, selfish and disrespectful. Really - you need to work on vetting women properly before you get involved with them seriously.


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## Dusty72

Thanks manfromlamancha,
What you said is exactly what I need to do...be a great dad to my kids.
She probably did me a favour,but I'm in a rollercoaster of emotions right now,I think I will have to delete all our holiday photos from my computer...such great memories..tinged with extreme sadness....
What I don't understand is why she started divorce proceedings so quickly....makes me think there is someone else in the picture,I've even stupidly thought of spying on her,cant afford a PI.
Maybe I should just let it go....i suppose I'm just looking for closure to get me through this terrible pain
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha

Dusty, of course you are going to miss her - but those great times you are referring to, it was all just superficial! There was nothing there but you probably spending on her and her giving you reasonable sex in return - no depth to that at all.

A good woman would help you repair your relationship with your kids. So take a deep breath, go out and plan something with your kids - make them smile, create memories with them instead of this piece of [email protected] Go feed the ducks or something - doesn't have to be expensive. However, it will be very therapeutic for you and for them.

Is your ex-wife together with the person she cheated with - is he the new step dad ? What is he like if that is the case ? Maybe these are things you need to concern yourself with more than worrying about losing a loser of a second wife.


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## turnera

Here's your closure:

You are dysfunctional and, because of that, your picker is broken. You keep picking dysfunctional people. And dysfunctional people are typically either dysfunctional Users or dysfunctional Givers. You're the Giver, she's the User (like your ex). So it was doomed to fail.

Until you start going to therapy to figure out WHY you're such a Giver, every person you attract, every person you're attracted to, will be yet another User, and you'll keep repeating this scenario.

Therapy.


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## happyman64

Dusty

You knew the D papers were coming. Let her pay for it.

If a PI helps the D get through a mandatory waiting period then find the $$$ so you can move on quicker.

I think a nice slap in the face is always worth it. Oh I know stop paying for the bed you no longer sleep in with her. That will pay for the PI.

If you truly don't care she is sleeping with someone then consult an attorney, review the papers, sign them and drop them off. Don't mail them. She is not a good mailer is she.

Then take the time to focus on you and your kids.

You know you are better off without her. Leave her to her friend, girlfriends and her horses.

Your wife is a biotch my friend. Simple as that.

HM


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## Dusty72

manfromlamancha said:


> Dusty, of course you are going to miss her - but those great times you are referring to, it was all just superficial! There was nothing there but you probably spending on her and her giving you reasonable sex in return - no depth to that at all.
> 
> A good woman would help you repair your relationship with your kids. So take a deep breath, go out and plan something with your kids - make them smile, create memories with them instead of this piece of [email protected] Go feed the ducks or something - doesn't have to be expensive. However, it will be very therapeutic for you and for them.
> 
> Is your ex-wife together with the person she cheated with - is he the new step dad ? What is he like if that is the case ? Maybe these are things you need to concern yourself with more than worrying about losing a loser of a second wife.


I had a good weekend with the kids , went into town and did some shopping , had lunch and did some fun stuff.next day went for a nice walk in the woods which they enjoyed and was therapeutic too.

my ex wifes boyfriend, isn't the person she cheated with , she has been with this new guy on and off for a few years , when the house sale was going through , he wanted to meet up with me , threatening to to fight me , kick my head in etc : quite frightening and intimidating really , although this is all blown over now ....

Im meeting my STBXW this week just to go over a few things , I know im going to get slaughtered on this forum , but i want to see her , although its probably not going to do my wellbeing much good i suspect , as all the feelings for her will come flooding back ....need to take these damn love goggles off but they are difficult to budge....i suggested going for a bite to eat somewhere neutral (at least it will get me eating) , I have lost so much weight through this shock and sad end to this episode in my life .....any advice on when I do meet up with her ...what to say /how to act etc?


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## turnera

Treat her like the mailman. You don't care what the mailman is doing in his/her life, do you? That's all she gets from you now. She is just another person you know, who will not be in your life any more.

Also, before you go - and this is from my therapist - write down everything she's done to destroy your marriage and your life. All of it. Read it about 5 times before you meet up with her so that, when you see her, instead of seeing love and puppies, you see liar and cheater and user.


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## Dusty72

Thanks Turnera , great piece of advice , I will do that.


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## bandit.45

Fake it till you make it.


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## Dusty72

bandit.45 said:


> Fake it till you make it.


Yep , that's what they say , thanks


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## manfromlamancha

Dusty, you will get there - don't worry mate!

The fact that you know you need to budge the "love goggles" is already a good start.

As for this "boyfriend" of your ex-wife, he sounds like a neanderthal. Now I assume he knows that the police will lock him up in a heartbeat for even making those threats, so keep a recording device on you at all times (very useful generally). More importantly, how do you feel about your kids being around a [email protected] like him ??? Does your ex-wife not see him for the bad influence his behaviour is on your kids ? Or is she similar to him. You need to record all of his rantings etc. Wish I could be there to help put him in his place.

Which part of the UK are you in ? There is bound to be support for you. You can get a restraining order on him not going anywhere near your kids if you have evidence.

Now back to your current headache - do not suggest things like meeting for a bite etc. This is ridiculous. She is not your friend anymore. You wouldn't take the mailman for a bite to eat if you wanted to discuss with him why he is constantly delivering your mail to the wrong address!

Treat your wife as Turnera said - as a nobody. So meet her somewhere where you don't naturally spend a long time at - not too comfortable and certainly no food or refreshments. Have an agenda (in your mind) ready of the things you want to go through and your preferred outcomes. Then get the meeting done quickly and efficiently and then move on and go and do something enjoyable by yourself or with someone else, just not her!


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## Dusty72

Thanks Manfromlamanca, 

I would have taken this [email protected] boyfriend of hers up on the offer , however I do not want to get in a fight for my jobs sake, my kids sake etc: ....my ex wife is a nasty piece of sh$t too....

I live in Surrey , on the borders of south west london....I'm sure there are support groups near me , he seems fine with my kids although threatening me isn't the way to go about things...still that's all calmed down now.

Back to my current headache : what you and turnera say is absolutely true ,but the truth is she is not the mailman, she is my Wife still......need to completely remove those goggles ....I think i want to do it to just show her like bandit said : that I am fine and strong and that i dont need her in my life to be happy !! 

To be honest i havent exactly made up my mind yet, In my head i know it is the wrong thing to do to meet up but in my heart ....well there's my problem (I'm still holding a torch for her )...

Having said all that I may blow her out at the last moment !!!! arghhhhh this is killing me !!!


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## turnera

Dusty72 said:


> what you and turnera say is absolutely true ,but the truth is she is not the mailman, she is my Wife still


Dusty, in two or three months, you will have NO contact with her, other than an occasional 'the kids need ABC' or 'the kids are going to XYZ.' And only because you have to.

In a few months, she WILL be part of your past, your history, just someone you used to know, and with whom you will never again spend any time. Nor will you want to, because she is your history, and your future will be filled with what you CAN have - other people in your life.

You're still acting like you can have her back if you just wish it hard enough. But the truth is, you never COULD control whether she stayed in your life. Even when you were dating. Even when you got married. Even when you had kids.

Start accepting that. Start believing it.

PS: You sound like you think meeting up with her is some magical chance to convince her to come back. It's not. It's just her getting her ducks in a row to never have to see you again.


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## Dusty72

turnera said:


> Dusty, in two or three months, you will have NO contact with her, other than an occasional 'the kids need ABC' or 'the kids are going to XYZ.' And only because you have to.
> 
> In a few months, she WILL be part of your past, your history, just someone you used to know, and with whom you will never again spend any time. Nor will you want to, because she is your history, and your future will be filled with what you CAN have - other people in your life.
> 
> You're still acting like you can have her back if you just wish it hard enough. But the truth is, you never COULD control whether she stayed in your life. Even when you were dating. Even when you got married. Even when you had kids.
> 
> Start accepting that. Start believing it.
> 
> PS: You sound like you think meeting up with her is some magical chance to convince her to come back. It's not. It's just her getting her ducks in a row to never have to see you again.


Turnera , I know that you are 100 % correct


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## manfromlamancha

Dusty, you will do the right thing because I can sense you getting stronger in every post. You know what you need to do so now all that is left is to work on the conviction to do it right. And if you screw up once or twice, no problems - just pick yourself up and start again.

I live in Surrey too, but more like on the borders with Hampshire and Berkshire. Great place to be. Take care.


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## Dusty72

manfromlamancha said:


> Dusty, you will do the right thing because I can sense you getting stronger in every post. You know what you need to do so now all that is left is to work on the conviction to do it right. And if you screw up once or twice, no problems - just pick yourself up and start again.
> 
> I live in Surrey too, but more like on the borders with Hampshire and Berkshire. Great place to be. Take care.


Thanks manfromlamancha, i do feel stronger than when i started this original thread...just taking each day as it comes...some days are better than others but i will get there in the end. 

Oh wow, you are not too far from me , thanks again and you take care too.


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## Spotthedeaddog

brooklynAnn said:


> Dusty, a woman who has no interest in your kids and just tolerates them is not wife material. Your kids are more important than any woman. I would sent my husband packing if I had to choose between him or my kids.


Amazing how often I hear that, yet with about the same degree of frequency "that I spent my life looking after your kids, and now deserve my freedom".

heh. wtf.


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## Spotthedeaddog

Dusty72 said:


> Turnera , I know that you are 100 % correct


which is why in a modern relationship, not having pre-nups and for men supporting partners is just stupid. she can ride you for the duration of the relationship, and then just up and leave whenever she's had enough (and you're seen as the loser)


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## BBF

Not to be judgmental, but does anyone else read this as "Groundhog Day?"


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## Spotthedeaddog

turnera said:


> Treat her like the mailman.


 Is not working... Mailman getting sick of me hitting on him, and demanding sex. Mailman also appears disturbed over random gifts and serenading...


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