# I wish I wasn't here



## contrast

Hi. I joined this site because I confirmed on Christmas, of all days, that my husband has a mistress. I feel isolated, heartbroken and infuriated.


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## Lila

I'm sorry you found out about your husband's infidelity in such a horrible way. 

How did you find out? Did you have suspicions prior to finding out?

What have you done since finding out?

How are you holding up? Do you have family or friends you can talk to?


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## BluesPower

​


contrast said:


> Hi. I joined this site because I confirmed on Christmas, of all days, that my husband has a mistress. I feel isolated, heartbroken and infuriated.


Well, we are here, do you want to talk about it? 

Do you know how to proceed? 

Lot's of great advice here if you are willing to listen...


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## contrast

I woke up early on Christmas with our kids and my husband had a text from someone with a unisex name. The text said Merry Christmas and asked what time he was going to come over. My husband’s job occasionally requires him to go to customers houses, but not on Christmas. My husband left the house for 5 hours in the afternoon and came back for dinner. The reasoning was that he had a work emergency, but I know that was hogwash. 

I looked through my husbands cell when he came home, because of his fishy behaviour. He has a separate email account in a random folder on his cell. I didn’t find any emails but he had her name as the only contact. In his pictures I found a picture of him with a woman and child at the zoo. The picture was taken 3 weeks ago. There was no need for him to be at the zoo for his job and he wasn’t there with our family. In his browser history I found two webpages on the topic of affairs. I searched her name on Facebook and found a profile that matched the name and picture with my husband. The woman has a child who looks to be around 3 and she is pregnant. It’s freaking me out. Why would he spend half the day with her on Christmas! That I don’t want to think about. My husband impregnating and having children with another woman would be exponentially worse than infidelity alone. My husband has blocked her on Facebook and that doesn’t make sense. There are extenuating circumstances that discourage a divorce, and I don’t yet know what I will do. 

His job would make an affair easy to hide. He works salary + commission and makes his own hours. He is in field sales which means he seldom at the office and his whereabouts are not tracked. His sales for December were 1/4 of what they normally are and his sales for November were 1/2 of what they normally are, yet he has been working more than normal. That doesn’t add up. It doesn’t take a genius to add 2 + 2. 

I have suspected for a while that my husband is unfaithful. His behaviour has been sporadically questionable. This is the first time that he has done or I have found something incriminating. We are 15 years into marriage. I used my insecurity as rationalization, because I didn’t find proof of infidelity before now. I have been with this man for 19 years. I thought I knew him. I’m aghast at what I now know about my husband, and I don’t know the full story of how long or how many women. I don’t know if he wants to divorce. I haven’t told anyone yet. I feel like his infidelity is my fault. I can’t sit idling and let it go on but I feel frozen. My husband suspects that I know because he has been more on edge and traded in his cell for a new model. I haven’t said anything to my husband because our kids are off school for Christmas break and I didn’t want to ruin their holidays. I hope talking about it here will help until I'm ready to talk to my husband.


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## BluesPower

contrast said:


> I woke up early on Christmas with our kids and my husband had a text from someone with a unisex name. The text said Merry Christmas and asked what time he was going to come over. My husband’s job occasionally requires him to go to customers houses, but not on Christmas. My husband left the house for 5 hours in the afternoon and came back for dinner. The reasoning was that he had a work emergency, but I know that was hogwash.
> 
> I looked through my husbands cell when he came home, because of his fishy behaviour. He has a separate email account in a random folder on his cell. I didn’t find any emails but he had her name as the only contact. In his pictures I found a picture of him with a woman and child at the zoo. The picture was taken 3 weeks ago. There was no need for him to be at the zoo for his job and he wasn’t there with our family. In his browser history I found two webpages on the topic of affairs. I searched her name on Facebook and found a profile that matched the name and picture with my husband. The woman has a child who looks to be around 3 and she is pregnant. It’s freaking me out. Why would he spend half the day with her on Christmas! That I don’t want to think about. My husband impregnating and having children with another woman would be exponentially worse than infidelity alone. My husband has blocked her on Facebook and that doesn’t make sense. There are extenuating circumstances that discourage a divorce, and I don’t yet know what I will do.
> 
> His job would make an affair easy to hide. He works salary + commission and makes his own hours. He is in field sales which means he seldom at the office and his whereabouts are not tracked. His sales for December were 1/4 of what they normally are and his sales for November were 1/2 of what they normally are, yet he has been working more than normal. That doesn’t add up. It doesn’t take a genius to add 2 + 2.
> 
> I have suspected for a while that my husband is unfaithful. His behaviour has been sporadically questionable. This is the first time that he has done or I have found something incriminating. We are 15 years into marriage. I used my insecurity as rationalization, because I didn’t find proof of infidelity before now. I have been with this man for 19 years. I thought I knew him. I’m aghast at what I now know about my husband, and I don’t know the full story of how long or how many women. I don’t know if he wants to divorce. I haven’t told anyone yet. I feel like his infidelity is my fault. I can’t sit idling and let it go on but I feel frozen. My husband suspects that I know because he has been more on edge and traded in his cell for a new model. I haven’t said anything to my husband because our kids are off school for Christmas break and I didn’t want to ruin their holidays. I hope talking about it here will help until I'm ready to talk to my husband.


Why can't you divorce? Your husband has two families.

You get that right? 

What do you think can come from this? And you know that if both kids are his, there is really nothing else to do but divorce...


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## contrast

The reason I hesitate on divorce is because we needed to use IVF to have our kids. We have 4 embryos left. If we divorce those will be destroyed. Those are our babies and I would be killing them to divorce. We planned on using all of our embryos to give them all a chance at life. To date we have used eight and have two children. I know that if he has children with this woman we are done. I couldn't stay with a man like that.


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## Diana7

You do need to talk to him, or her, and find out the truth. The fact that he has been seeing them so much may mean that the child and unborn children are his, or maybe just the unborn one. 
I am very sorry for you and your children who will suffer though this, but I cant see how this can go on as it is, unless you are wiling to share him which I doubt.

I hate cheating and lying and deception with a passion, I am afraid that he isn't a good man at all.


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## sunsetmist

I am so sorry. If you need this--it is long and takes a while to load.

The standard evidence gathering post...

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## sunsetmist

The 180--

What is the 180?

The 180 is for YOU. It’s not to win back your cheater, but to make you strong--getting on with your life without regard to what the cheater is doing. Don’t try to speak truth to stupid, do this instead. Take care of yourself.

This is a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis of “Divorce Busters.” The 180:

1. Do not beg, reason, chase, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.


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## 3Xnocharm

contrast said:


> The reason I hesitate on divorce is because we needed to use IVF to have our kids. We have 4 embryos left. If we divorce those will be destroyed. Those are our babies and I would be killing them to divorce. We planned on using all of our embryos to give them all a chance at life. To date we have used eight and have two children. I know that if he has children with this woman we are done. I couldn't stay with a man like that.




You realize you can’t possibly expand your family with more children with a cheating piece of crap who has another family... right?? That would be insanity. 

Don’t confront him until you have all your evidence together that he can’t possibly deny. Because he will deny the crap out of this, try to make you think you’re crazy, and make it all your fault. None of this is your fault, not one little bit, so don’t buy into his bullcrap. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jlg07

" I don’t know if he wants to divorce. I haven’t told anyone yet. I feel like his infidelity is my fault."

You shouldn't care if HE wants to divorce --- this is YOUR decision, not his.
His infidelity is NOT your fault -- it is his, and his alone. HE is the cheater and wants his cake and eat it too.
Make sure the proof you have is copied to a couple of different places that he can't get at. He will try to diminish this and turn it around on you. 
Is this woman married/BF? If so, you should expose this to their spouse/bf. Also your family and his should know about this. HE is the awful person doing this to you and your family.

" We planned on using all of our embryos to give them all a chance at life. To date we have used eight and have two children. I know that if he has children with this woman we are done. I couldn't stay with a man like that."
You SHOULD NOT have more children with this man. Can you donate the embryos to a family that cannot conceive (not sure what the legalities/etc. are involved in IVF).

VERY sorry to hear that you found this out about some one you thought you knew and on Christmas of all days.


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## TJW

Welcome to the club that none of us wanted to join.



contrast said:


> I feel like his infidelity is my fault.


Nope. It is not, not in any way. Adultery is the complete, 100%, total choice of the adulterer. It has nothing to do with you. Nothing.
It's common to all of us to "feel like" it is, but it isn't.

We may be contributing to marital problems, and we have to "own" these actions and attitudes, in order to restore the marriage. But the only one who owns adultery is the adulterer.


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## Violet28

I would want hardcore proof before you confront him or he will just lie it all away. Can you put a VAR in his car or hire a private detective? Does his car GPS so you can find out where the woman lives?


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## EleGirl

sunsetmist said:


> I am so sorry. If you need this--it is long and takes a while to load.
> 
> The standard evidence gathering post...
> 
> https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ence-post.html


the link does not work. It's not all there.


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## MattMatt

@contrast Would you like a member of the Moderation team to move your thread to the Coping With Infidelity section?

There's a lot of good advice, there. And most people who frequent that section have been where you are.

Seek legal advice with a solicitor/lawyer to establish your legal situation. Many offer a free initial consultation.


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## SpinyNorman

contrast said:


> The reason I hesitate on divorce is because we needed to use IVF to have our kids. We have 4 embryos left. If we divorce those will be destroyed. Those are our babies and I would be killing them to divorce. We planned on using all of our embryos to give them all a chance at life. To date we have used eight and have two children. I know that if he has children with this woman we are done. I couldn't stay with a man like that.


I'm sorry this happened to you.

What determines that the embryos will be destroyed if you divorce?


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## MattMatt

EleGirl said:


> the link does not work. It's not all there.


Here's the correct link https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## sokillme

contrast said:


> The reason I hesitate on divorce is because we needed to use IVF to have our kids. We have 4 embryos left. If we divorce those will be destroyed. Those are our babies and I would be killing them to divorce. We planned on using all of our embryos to give them all a chance at life. To date we have used eight and have two children. I know that if he has children with this woman we are done. I couldn't stay with a man like that.


First of all I am very sorry for you. But I want to tell you that no matter what happens you will get through this and find joy again. Your life is not over.

As far as your husband I would not trust a word he says. Contact the women if it is his kid she is going to tell you. 

As far as the embryos can't you donate the embryos to another couple?

One last thing. This is NOT your fault. It's about your husband's character. If you had issues in your marriage he should have worked on them with you. Do not take ownership in your husband's failings. 

Again I am sorry that this happened to you. You are right though you should not stay married to a man like that.


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## oceanbreeze

This makes me feel really sad. I'm really sorry this happened to you. It has happened to me years ago with my previous spouse and it turns out he was doing it while we were growing up together from our teens, so I was never really sure, but one day he confessed and then blamed me all for it. Fortunately, that relationship ended 10 years ago and I was able to move on and try at love again. 

Right now, it's hard because it's new for you and it's freshly painful. It will get messy once you inquire from your husband, but it's better you know the whole truth; especially if the mistress is having your husband's child and you have no choice but to take your two living children and start a new life.


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