# Why am I acting like this.



## 19anonnon (Aug 2, 2021)

My husband had a year old affair with a girl her works with I found out about 13 months ago.
I never got angry and agreed to work on it.

Things seemed ok. At times it was hard for me. I was upset.

At the end of May I found out that between October and May they had been texting each other on and off. He confessed his feelings for her had come back.
Again I didn’t get mad. I accept it and begged for him to stay while we worked on it.

Five weeks later I found out that two weeks after telling me and ending it with her again she had messaged him saying they could work.

He told me he was leaving. Needed time to think about what he wanted.

A few days after he moved out he told me he couldn’t ever see us getting back together and he told her he wanted to be with her. 

A few days after that he came over to see the children kissed me and cuddled me told me his head was a mess and he was confused.
Next day he took her on a date.

Following week he was texting me and asking to spend time together on our own and as a family. Then he text saying he was done with her. What ever they had he wanted out.

Few days later they were still in contact. He said it was just arguing but why entertain the argument.

He has spent the whole weekend with me. We have cuddles a little and shared a bed but not kissed or held hands. (He kissed me on the forehead when he kissed the children goodbye yesterday)

I asked what we were doing and he is like building foundations. I said for what and he said being happy. Not a friendship or relationship not let me know what we are. If I try and bring anything up or ask him he gets annoyed at me. 

I don’t know if she’s still in the picture. When I asked him yesterday is she still in the picture he said nobody is. That then would also mean I’m not.

He’s always saying things like I don’t know if to much has happened. Or I want you to be so happy but I don’t think I can be the one who can make you happy.

Why is it that I’m not telling him where to go? Why am I not mad. Why is it I’m fighting like it’s me who had the affair?!
The way he acts is how I should be acting!! And he should be fighting.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I think you need to find your self respect, and STOP him from treating you this way. He is choosing to be with the OW, and then coming to you because he is confused. STOP allowing this. Do not allow him to come into the home, and do not be affectionate with him. I appreciate the fact that you've tried to work it out, but at this point, stop watering a plant that's dead. Your husband has killed it, and unfortunately you can't recapture it. I'm sorry for you, but start implementing some strong and hard boundaries.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are allowing yourself to be a chump. No one else has that power over you. 

If they work together their affair never ended.

He’s a cheater and they all lie a lot. A LOT!!!


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

This sounds like the OW is constantly making plays for him and he keeps going back. 
Simplify it all: push him to the OW and tell him you don't want to see him anymore. 
These fence sitters are also cake eaters. He kinda likes being with you, some of the time, as long as he can bang her when the urge comes up. That's where your M really is. Only you can change that. 
Read about the 180. Just look up "180 affairs" ... a bunch of 180 descriptions will appear.

The biggest mistake you're making: you're doing the pick me dance. That's weakness and encourages them to continue their activities since there's nothing but "I want you back" from the betrayed person as opposed to "get out of my sight before I kill you". Pick me will not work and never does work.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

19anonnon said:


> _*Why is it that I’m not telling him where to go? Why am I not mad. Why is it I’m fighting like it’s me who had the affair?!
> The way he acts is how I should be acting!! And he should be fighting.*_


I'll have to attribute it to complete and utter desperation. You're so desperate to hang onto him any way you can, that you're willing to just let him **** all over you while you're holding onto him like grim death.

There is NO dignity in your choices at all. There is no self respect and no consideration for your self worth whatsoever - and that's just beyond sad.

If YOU have zero dignity and zero self respect, why on earth would you expect HIM to respect you or value your worth?

That doesn't make sense.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Oh, hell no. It’s way past time to release the kraken. Find your inner bit.. and let her loose. WHs respond quite differently to BWs that go unhinged. One thread on SI of a BW that bashed and throughout her husband’s very expensive Triathlon bike and exposed to family got a husband that was waking up real fast. He was having an affair with a woman that was part of a couple’s friendship. The OBS told her about all the evidence he found and was wanting her to wait for more evidence and a timed confrontation. Nope. She wasn’t having any of that. The OBS was a SAHD that was steamrolled doing the opposite timid approach.

Blow this **** up. Expose that home wrecker to her OBS, exposed your POS WH to his family. They want the best for their grandchildren or nieces/nephews. No more Ms Nice gal. No crying, begging, and most definitely close the muffin shop. Get d papers served. You can stop it later but your case needs a shock and awe campaign.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

We've not heard if you love him? Can you share some background? How long have you been married? Do you have children?
He is treating you appallingly and there must be some reason as to why you are allowing it.


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## 19anonnon (Aug 2, 2021)

I should add they haven’t slept together since Jan 2020. The relationship since then has been on and off texts about how they feel about each other and the relationship they could have.

I feel like I have to let him go to see it wouldn’t work.

He has made plans with me every day this week except tomorrow. Not one on one time. Time with as a family and one day we are off to a party.


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## 19anonnon (Aug 2, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> We've not heard if you love him? Can you share some background? How long have you been married? Do you have children?
> He is treating you appallingly and there must be some reason as to why you are allowing it.


Sorry.
We have been together 14 years. Have four children.
I love him so much and this situation is killing me. I’ve been put onto anti depressants and started therapy because of how much I’m hurting.

I think our relationship was good. We did everything together. Most nights after children had gone to bed we’d cuddle and watch TV.

he has said since that he felt rejected for a while. We had two under two and it was hard neither slept through the night. He said for over a year or two when the affair started he felt I never made time for him and we stopped having date nights etc.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

[QUOTE="19anonnon, post: 20348671, member: 35069].
We have been together 14 years. Have four children.

he has said since that he felt rejected for a while. We had two under two and it was hard neither slept through the night. He said for over a year or two when the affair started he felt I never made time for him and we stopped having date nights etc.
[/QUOTE]

Oh poor him.. I am sure that during this time it was you taking care of the 4 children that you BOTH had created. Especially since he had the time to have his affair. The lack of sleep and needs of four children just tend to take over. I have 3. Some one has to take care of them. This is a big issue when child rearing is involved. Men get jealous of the time it takes to raise kids...and women have issues switching from mommy to sex kitten. I know I was so exhausted from doing everything that the last thing on my mind was sex.... I wanted sleep. I agree with others that you need to make him decide what he wants. It seems like he wants to be with the family, but he needs to be all in.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

19anonnon said:


> Sorry.
> We have been together 14 years. Have four children.
> I love him so much and this situation is killing me. I’ve been put onto anti depressants and started therapy because of how much I’m hurting.
> 
> ...


His excuse is having “two under two”?? What a joke. He had an affair because of his lack of morality. The fact that he can’t take ownership of his mistake and continues to hide behind excuses is pathetic.

Regardless of gaps in affection or him feeling like he needs attention, he chose to stray and then has the audacity to string you along after giving him the option to reconcile.

This hurts now but staying with someone with the capacity to hurt you this deeply and continue it will be endlessly more painful. Show him you are the prize, not an option.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It’s actually him that’s desperate, not you. Can you see this? A married man of four jumping from couch to couch? 

I agree that she should have him. You love him more than he loves you, that’s got to hurt. 

Don’t listen to anything he says about feeling rejected. Like another person said, someone had to be the responsible one and raise those kids, and I bet you did most of it. 

I don’t think you should let him play happy families. As awful as it sounds, if he wants to see the kids, he can do that in his weekend time with his girlfriend. Because Dad has a girlfriend and at some point the kids will need to know this. (Not as a weapon or to make yourself feel better, but kids do deserve truth in an age-appropriate way). 

He has to do some heavy lifting somewhere, where you stop helping him, don’t arrange things for him and stop making his life easier. 

I really think you should try to limit contact. small steps like not responding to a text immediately. Not agreeing to things and not explaining. For example. Just say ‘No’ to any request of his, and don’t give too much information when he demands to know why. 

Don’t talk about the marriage anymore and where it’s going, he will tell you all manner of crap in the moment, and do something completely different the next day; like propose to his girlfriend. And then two days later buy a new TV with you and gave a family movie night. 

I’m very sorry you’re going through this 😔


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

At the very least, go see an attorney. Many of them will do a free initial visit. Find out what you're entitled to in alimony and child support. See if a case can be made for abandonment on his part. 

Often the best way to reconcile after an affair is to show your spouse that you mean business. Suddenly they have to face the reality of what the stand to lose. It also causes them to respect you which can rekindle the attraction. Right now he sees you as a doormat, which no one finds attractive.


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## 19anonnon (Aug 2, 2021)

I feel like he has hope there could still be something with the other woman. Even though this last week all they have done is argue.

he says I shouldn’t wait for him before he’ll just hurt me again because that’s who he is.

I want to cut him off but he makes plans with me and the children or texts me constantly.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'll have to attribute it to complete and utter desperation. You're so desperate to hang onto him any way you can, that you're willing to just let him **** all over you while you're holding onto him like grim death.
> 
> There is NO dignity in your choices at all. There is no self respect and no consideration for your self worth whatsoever - and that's just beyond sad.
> 
> ...


I THINK i WOULD BE GOING WITH THIS 
you set up your ideal world and not able except that he does not want the same thing 

I think you need to let him go and i think the fact you have come here looking for advice you know what you need to be told 
you need time to be on your own and except that the world is not going to be as you hoped and that you can do better 

sometimes we can't help it crap happens and we have to except it ,
best to cut him out of your life and get your own world back


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> Men get jealous of the time it takes to raise kids...and women have issues switching from mommy to sex kitten.


sorry not men BOYS if you have a boy that never grow up if your boy thinks that after his day job is over he has the right to sit down with his beer and play games on the internet he is a boy , 
men work outside and in like women , they take some of the work off , I did the washing washed the floors windows , and cooked as much as my wife if not more ,

we both work a long day 7 days a week and the kids helped out as much , there was no come home from school dump the bag and say I am on holidays , 

and man that lets it all to the wife is not a man but a boy in mans a world


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## 19anonnon (Aug 2, 2021)

I just don’t want to loose him. He means everything to me.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

19anonnon said:


> I just don’t want to loose him. He means everything to me.


your too close to it all , you have no idea how you would live with out him , 
Relationships evolve over time, along with individual needs. If there's a lack of alignment between partners, sometimes considering a separation is necessary. 
A separation is a time when you live apart while still being legally married, 
it would help you get some time to think and see where you are 
Separation is a sensitive issue, and while it's a process that creates distance, it is one that will take patience, understanding, and communication. 
it might be good for him as well 
look at it from this point 
if he splits up now with his other woman do you want to be his spare wheel 
until he finds another , 
take a brake it will clear the air you 

Separation is often viewed as something negative, but it doesn't have to be. 
there are 3 types you could try one for a month 
see how you both feel


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

are you afraid of what family or others will think ,
People are going to talk. It's inevitable, but by acknowledging that fact, you're able to reposition what's important to you and your partner: your relationship. If you're trying to make decisions based on external factors, you'll most likely never be content or happy with your own lives,You and our spouse's overall well-being is not about pleasing others who are not in the middle of this process themselves. ( it is a bit like if your child is acting up in the supermarket it is best to stop and take a stand there and then than to pretend all is ok and wait until you get home to teach your child the child will have forgotten what he was doing and why . Does religion play a part in your marriage? Are there cultural limitations or rules related to ending a marriage? Are there health issues, benefits, and insurance plans to consider? Once you're married, there is so much more to consider than just two people. It's everything that was brought into a marriage and created during it. Consider your unique situation and move accordingly.


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## 19anonnon (Aug 2, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> Separation is often viewed as something negative, but it doesn't have to be.
> there are 3 types you could try one for a month
> see how you both feel


three types of separation? What are the three types if you don’t mind me asking?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

the explanation is pretty simple.
Whenever he is horny, he calls up this other woman and they bump nasties.
In between, he misses his stable marriage he is throwing away with you.

It is like he is two completely different people.

the question is, are YOU willing to only own half of his time. whenever he gets horny in the future, he will be seeking out this woman, or some new main squeeze. 

Unless you can somehow change the way his head works, and get him horny for you again...it is a draw.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

19anonnon said:


> I feel like he has hope there could still be something with the other woman. Even though this last week all they have done is argue.
> 
> *he says I shouldn’t wait for him before he’ll just hurt me again because that’s who he is.*
> 
> I want to cut him off but he makes plans with me and the children or texts me constantly.


He is telling you who he is and you are refusing to believe him.

He can't make plans without your participation. 

Wouldn't you rather lose him now than next month or next year? You are allowing him to be a cake eater and that gives him no incentive to make up his mind. Make it up for him.

Tell him you want him to be happy so he needs to get on with his life and you'll get on with yours. Stop playing happy family with him because you are not a happy family. No marriage has ever been saved with one partner doing the 'pick me' dance - it's counterproductive.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

19anonnon said:


> three types of separation? What are the three types if you don’t mind me asking?


there is short term
long term and legal separation


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

19anonnon said:


> I just don’t want to loose him. He means everything to me.


The "him" you don't want to lose only exists in your mind. You need to come to grips with the reality of who he really is, which he has clearly shown you through his actions... he is a lying, deceitful cheater who will continue to hurt you until you stand up for yourself and SHOW him its unacceptable by cutting him out of your life to the greatest extent possible.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

OP, please don't stay in this. Do you really want to be somebody's 2nd choice (if that)? You deserve so much more. Stop his disrespect of you, only you can put a stop to it, b/c he surely won't. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't be confused about anything. If he wanted to work on it, he wouldn't be confused about anything. I think you're experiencing a trauma bond (I think that's the term) of some sort, which is making it difficult to let go. Don't feel guilty about 'letting him go', because at the end of the day, he's the one who let go, not you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

19anonnon said:


> My husband had a year old affair with a girl her works with I found out about 13 months ago.
> I never got angry and agreed to work on it.
> 
> Things seemed ok. At times it was hard for me. I was upset.
> ...


he is treating you as a doormat and has no respect for you. You are allowing him to come and go and are playing a pick me game which you will not win. You need to come down hard on him and act as if you are not afraid to lose this marriage (he is not worthy of a wife or family anyhow, the way he has been treating you). Take back control of your life and do the following:

1. Tell him to move into the spare bedroom because you are not sure if you want him back or not
2. Go and see a lawyer to see what your options are and let him know you are filing for divorce ( you can retract later)
3. Ask him to write a no contact letter and to give you a timeline of the affair if he is interested on reconciling. Tell him he must do all the work because as far as you are concerned you are doing nothing and the clock is ticking as to divorce.
4. Stop doing anything for him, no washing, cooking, ironing, nothing. Let him see what it is like to lose you. Tell him to help himself and live his single life.
5. Go and get STD tested and do NOT sleep with him, do not cuddle with him, nothing, do a hard 180 on him and act as if you do not need him in your life. You need to emotionally detach from this man.
6. Go and get a good therapist or counsellor to help you with all the suppressed emotions. You have been treated like dirt, find your righteous anger and use it!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

19anonnon said:


> Sorry.
> We have been together 14 years. Have four children.
> I love him so much and this situation is killing me. I’ve been put onto anti depressants and started therapy because of how much I’m hurting.
> 
> ...


Typical cheater, his cheating is your fault but these kids are his kids too!


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