# Husband's lack of interest due to medical problem



## ladypomegranate (May 15, 2011)

I've read several of the posts on this thread and, while they are partially helpful, the don't quite hit on my problem. 

My husband and I have been together for 2 years. Shortly after we got together and before we were married, he told me that he suffered from a urethral stricture, a problem that makes ejaculation extrememly painful. I accepted that this would impact our sex life and, having been single most of my life, I didn't really see a lack of sex in our relationship as that big of a hurdle. 

However, I always expected this problem to be temporary and hoped to one day have normal relations with my husband. In fact, late last year, my husband had surgery and got the problem mostly taken care of. While he still experiences some small pain, he admits that it is much better and he's fine with it now. And yet, after all this, he still doesn't seem to be interested in sex. I hate to pressure him if he's still in pain and have told him that he needs to let me know when he wants sex because only he can know if he feels comfortable enough to do it (dehydration and other factors make the pain worse). He is fully healed now and yet he still shows no interest. When I do coax him into sex, it's perfunctory at best and I feel almost guilty for asking him for it.

I feel so hopeless. I don't want a relationship with no physical aspect. I know that we are closer when we are having semi-regular sex and I feel a deep divide between us now. I'm miserable and have told him so several times and yet the day after I discuss this with him he acts like the discussion never happened. 

I will never cheat and I doubt he would either. However, I know he watches porn and webcams when out of town on business and while I'm not happy with this, I can't blame him either as I, too, use porn and masturbation as a (poor) substitute for intamacy. 

I know that his medical condition has probably weakened his sex drive over the years and he may not feel comfortable adding regular sex back into his life but I think that it's an important aspect of a relationship and that if we don't have it, our relationship is ultimately doomed.

Any thoughts? Comments? Any help is appreciated!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I am sorry for your upset. But why did you assume the prob to be temporary? Did he promise it would?
If I knew I would have pain ejaculation, even if it is less than before, id avoid it too. Plus, he's use to anticipating greater pain with it. After a while, that association is going to be very natural and ingrained.

Might want to see a therapist to see if it can be overcome. 

Does he pleasure you? Certainly an alternative. But marrying with an expectation of change in a long term condition is always unwise, so you might also want to see a therapist to see if you can reduce your upset. Coz it may never change.

I would insist on no porn. If he can't do it with you, he has no right doing it while married to you, regardless of the reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> If I knew I would have pain ejaculation, even if it is less than before, id avoid it too. Plus, he's use to anticipating greater pain with it. After a while, that association is going to be very natural and ingrained.


This. If he thinks it might feel like he's having a length of barbed wire pulled through him, he's likely to not want to take the risk. It's how aversion therapy works, isn't it?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I dunno... While I can understand his lack of desire if an orgasm is painful, the fact that he looks at porn and webcams when out of town confuses the issue. What's he get out of those if he's not getting off? I sure wouldn't look to getting worked up with no happy ending. And if he's having happy endings without you, why not with you? Even mutual masturbation would likely be an improvement, or you could do everything but his orgasm. Basically, I don't see any reason from your post that intimacy has to be an issue, if he doesn't want it to be. 

If I was in that situation, I'd either require some serious effort at changing things (from him) or I'd get out. Counseling would be an option if he'll do more than just attend.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I was thinking aversion therapy as well. This isn't about pain it's about the fear of pain.


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## ladypomegranate (May 15, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I was thinking aversion therapy as well. This isn't about pain it's about the fear of pain.


Thanks everyone for your replies. I think you might be on to something with an aversion therapy type problem. He's had tests since his surgery that show that, physically, the problem has been fixed. Much of his problem now may be more mental than anything. 

I'm willing to make our marriage work whether this problem can be fixed or not. I only expected this to be "temporary" because he had planned a surgery and we've been told that the surgery worked. And obviously, yes, if he can watch webcams (and why would he bother if he WEREN'T masturbating) then why can't he have sex? Up to this point I've tried to respect his feelings on this matter and wait for him to make all the moves but it may be time to push the matter. And if it truly is beyond his capabilities then we'll have to deal with our intamacy in other ways.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, like I said, there's plenty you two can do without even penetrating, much less him having an orgasm. Heck, my GF and I have had many 6+ hour sessions, and I'll only have on orgasm the whole time sometimes. Oral, fingers, toys, penetration without orgasm... Lots of options!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

What happens with porn is an overwhelmng intensity that overcomes the lessened pain. I really do wonder if men refuse to accept the truth of the intensity of porn. Porn oomph is better than being with a woman. The pain is less proportiononally.

I swear, men pretend this part doesn't exist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Have you asked him to honestly tell you why he is watching porn? Does he have ED? 


I'm assuming he has been checked for prostate problems. This can cause painful ejaculation as well and lead to an aversion to sex. However, that only makes the problem worse.


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## ladypomegranate (May 15, 2011)

Hmm, intersting point @ClipClop. I think that could be part of it. We've talked about his watching porn and webcams and I really don't have a problem with it if he's out of town or whatever as he's gone for weeks at a time. But it may be that he's become more comfortable and turned on by that than by actual sex. Another thing to discuss.

@workindad: his urologist/surgeon has one prostate checks and it's fine. No ED either. The sugery to fix the urethra was successful; it could be the remaining pain is that it's still healing (can take up to 6 mos) or mental. He's still working with his surgeon so I hope if it is physical they can determine what's causing it and fix it. I don't want him to be in pain which is one of the reasons I don't often initiate sex, instead leaving it to him. But, when we discuss our sex life he says he'd like it more often and yet never initiates it. Very frustrating.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> What happens with porn is an overwhelmng intensity that overcomes the lessened pain. I really do wonder if men refuse to accept the truth of the intensity of porn. Porn oomph is better than being with a woman. The pain is less proportiononally.
> 
> I swear, men pretend this part doesn't exist.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe because for some of us it simply isn't true?


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