# I feel like my fiance is holding me back



## yettobemarried (Dec 11, 2012)

My fiance and I have been together for two and a half years. We have lived together for a year. Our living arrangements are that I pay all the bills except the electric, cable and internet. To be clear, I pay rent, two autoloans, insurance, gas, cell phones, food and any other miscellenious bills. The reason for this is because she is a student and works part time. I have two problems:

1. My fiance is not good with paying the bills on time. To make sure that all the bills are paid on time I ask her for the money every checked and pay the bills myself. Being a student there are times when she does not make enough moneyto pay the three bills we agreed upon so she gives me what she can and I add to it and pay the bills. But there are other times when she makes a lot more. those times she does not give me extra. She keeps the rest. The problem I have is that I feel like my fiance takes up no responsibilty for our household. I feel like she just lives there. I have make sure the bills are paid, make sure we have groceries. It makes me feel like I like I live with a kid. 

2. My second problem is that my fiance went back to school (for nursing) a year ago. Before she enrolled we talked about schools. I suggested that she goes to the community college and get an AS degree and then go to the local universityfor her BSN. She decided she wanted to go to one of those technical school whose credits do not not even transfer. She spent three qaurters there then realized that credits will not transfer and then dropped out of that college. I suggested again thatshe tries the community college. She took my suggestion this time. I was happy with the outcome, but then after one semester she decided to change her major. Now she wants study computer science. This decision came after she started having trouble with one of her classes. I feel like she did not put much time in her studys (she spends a lot of time on her ipad but thats a different story)

Lately I have been feeling like she is holding me back. I want to be supportive but I afraid that she may keep changing her mind and eventually just drop out altogether. This is what I feel like saying to her.

"baby, I want to support you while you finish your education, but I want to know for sure that you want to do this 100%. I am going to give you another chance to get yourself together. If I don't get serous with school, you're going to have to find a way to do it alone."

As you can tell. I am not very good with word. How can I say what I want to say (above) without sounding controlling. I love the girl but these are the only problems I have. Thanks for your advise. Hoping to join the married club soon.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

More info is needed before I can really reply.

How old are each of you?

I take it that the two of you live in the USA? If so why doesn’t she get enough $$ to pay more of her own living expenses? Has she applied for all of the financial aid available to her? Does she have a federal work study job?


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## yettobemarried (Dec 11, 2012)

Thanks for your response. My fiance is 28 and I am 30. She did apply for financial aid. She received some money in grant but we both decided against getting loans. Honestly we can do just fine financially without them. My problem is not so much bringing in extra money. The main problem are that I think she is not making a big effort in her education and she not being a responsible partner. I feel like she is wasting time and she'll never graduate. If I am going to support her I want to know that she's commited. Thanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My suggestion is that she finance her education via loans and not you.

Why? Because she's not being a responsible partner to you. She does not need to since you pay her bills.

With the way things are going there is a very good chance that the two of you will break up. And you will have invested thousands of dollars in her education... an education that she does not take seriously.

She does not value your contribution and seem focused only on herself. so stop contributing to her.

What was her field of study before she transferred to Computer Science? If she could not make it in another field of study she most likey will not make in CS. That's what my BS is in.. CS. Does she have the math background for this?

If she took out loans in her own name, then perhaps she will feel responsible and start realizing how she is wasting money. And money=time. She's wasting both.

It's completely unfair to you for you to be supporting her and her education. She needs to take responsibility for her own education, her own bills, etc. The two of you are not married.

When she gets loans, you can make monthly payments if you choose. But if you breakup you are not stuck having spent your money one someone who is no longer in your life.

And if you stay together for life.. well then you both can pay off the loans on your own schedule.

I learned this lesson when I was married to my son's father . He has an MS in EE and decided he wanted a MD. So I stupidly supported him and helped with the school expenses, tuition, etc. He completed his MD and residency with zero debt. I had paid it all.

Our agreement was that once he was done with school and residency I'd get to quit work and go to school full time again.

The month he finished his residency he announced that he wanted a divorce because he had a big life in front of him. He used me to put him through school. I lost hundreds of thousands putting him through school. 

I should have had him take out loans for school then when he left he would have rightly had the debt for his own education and I would have had a very nice savings.

He basically robbed me.

Your girlfriend is doing the same thing to you.. well maybe she does not plan no leaving (or maybe she does who knows). But she is using you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have a general problem with her ability to be reliable and responsible.

Generally, it's better to approach these things as a partnership. So, say:

"We're going to be partners for life, so we should be making decisions together that we both can agree on and live with. I want to respect your decisions and I want you to be able to respect mine, so we should always be able to talk and decide together when appropriate. We're partners.

So, we can both work toward your degree. I do my part and you do your part. Let's sit down and map that out. Let's see what it will cost and what the timeline is. Then we can both agree and commit."


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

She feels entitled...you are paying her tuition and most of her bills. If she can't cover her part of the three bills agreed upon, you just cover the rest for her.

She'll never learn financial responsibility like that, and she has no reason to help you out. And you feel like she is holding you back...not a good thing at all, because you might just grow to resent her later on :/

I know because I used to be the same way, and in the same position as your girlfriend. Up until I graduated from graduate school, my father paid for everything. All my tuition, all my bills. While I very much appreciated his generosity, I didn't learn any financial responsibility, I didn't save up any money, and I threw away money like crazy. I also didn't take schooling very seriously, and I ended up graduating 3 months behind my class. I just thought...'well, if I didn't do well, I could just try again, and my dad will just pay for me.' 

I had nothing to lose, and neither does your girlfriend, it seems. 

Dad stopped paying for me months ago, ever since I got a job. Now that I have to pay all my bills myself and fund everything myself, suddenly I'm more careful with where my money goes and how I spend it, and I'm a lot more responsible and hardworking now that I know I have to keep a job in order to support myself, like everyone else. I wasn't proud of the person I was before this.

I noticed that in my schools, as well. Overall, people I knew who were on student loans (and subsequently also worked part time) were more down-to-earth, more hardworking, and more responsible. The people who had everything paid for them acted like entitled and spoiled princesses/princes. Of course, there were exceptions!

If you have talked to her about this several times and nothing is working, then perhaps it's time to take action. You two are not married yet!


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