# Married best friend, still feel like friends with benefits



## mar410 (Jun 23, 2012)

I met my husband in high school. I am somewhat of an introvert and he was always there to get me out and about, enjoying the high school years. We became best friends and two years later became something like friends with benefits. He joined the military and a year later we got married. It's been two years now.
The first year of our marriage was hell. His best friend was killed in Afghanistan and he had multiple emotional affairs via texts/phone calls but never took it as far as to be physically intimate. There was lots of lying, secrets, etc about the affairs and after a year and a half we separated and I moved back home 700 miles away. Two weeks later he wanted to work things out. I visited him twice, we got into counseling, he made lots of promises (would start school, would stop with name calling, would treat me with respect in public, would get into shape - didn't follow through with any) and I moved back in 6 months ago.

Do I love him? Yes. But I feel like we never got past being friends with benefits. He would rather wrestle than cuddle, give me a hard hug than a gentle loving hug, smack my, ahem, assets rather than respect them, lick the side of my face (because he knows it grosses me out) rather than kiss me, etc.

The sex is good once it gets started but I rarely ever initiate. It's like my body cringes when he gets near. Not that he's physically abusive but he's a pest. My eyes see him coming near and I try to get away because I'm conditioned to think he's going to lick my face or tickle me roughly, or put me in a headlock. He treats me more like a little brother or friend than his wife. 
His dad is a womanizer and while he is fully capable of being loving and caring, I've seen it, he is always disrespectful when we are out with friends. He cannot hold his liquor and the truth is, I'm embarrassed to go out with him anymore. I'm embarrassed at the way he acts and the way he treats me. I know he's not serious when he calls me a *****, he calls everyone a *****, but people see that and think wow what an ass. And I agree! I'm tired of being called a ***** no matter the situation. My 2st1 birthday is in a few weeks and I don't even want him there to celebrate with me because I'm afraid he'll ruin it.

Lately I have found myself craving affection from outside sources. And I know it's because I don't feel the love a wife should feel. I would never act on those feelings, because I firmly believe in remaining faithful until a marriage is ended but it is constantly in the back of my mind. After months of reflecting I've started to realize the reasons I love my husband are the same reasons you love your friends, he's funny, outgoing, etc. But he's all I know. He's the only serious relationship I have ever had and he IS my best friend. Moving has alienated me from many of my friends so when anything happens he is always the first person I want to tell. When we're together, all I see is the bad. When we're apart, all I can think about is the good.

I have told him repeatedly how I feel and we are seeing a counselor but I feel like this relationship is a dead end. I just don't know where to go from here. I feel like if I leave, I'll just want to be back with him. I always do.


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

When ever you talk about your feelings with him im sure he gets defensive. I did the same thing when wife would talk about her feelings with me. It has taken her to tell me she is done and wants a divorce to really look at myself and our marriage to know i was not the husband i should of been. Now everything i want is everything she wanted and she does not feel that way anymore. U need to make changes, U need to take control of YOUR situation because if u dont nothing will change. I think the scariest part is to think of it not working and ending up divorced and not being together so we let things go and stay in limbo because change is very scary.


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