# I'm just going to say it



## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

I hate my sex life. 
I hate not being the one to say "not tonight" or I have a "headache." 
I hate knowing that I can't just throw on a sexy outfit and seduce my way into getting what I want. 
I hate not feeling desired. 
I hate the lack of enthusiasm I receive when H finally does give in. 
I hate not being able to ask for what I want because I already know the answer. 
I hate the feeling of rejection.
I hate feeling like I have to try for sex even when I'm not in the mood "just incase this is my only chance for a while."
I hate feeling like I have 0 control over my own sex life. 

I'm sorry that this is extremely negative and repetitive. I just really needed to vent after my most recent rejection, and this is the only place I can do it. It's not getting any easier accepting rejection.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sorry to see your pain. Guessing your rejection was tonight?

It sucks when you have mismatched libidos. There are plenty of guys on here that are feeling just like you do and would give anything to hear their wives initiate sex.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Ouch :/ Sorry you are a bit flustered and pissed off.
Hate is a strong word. Hopefully you can learn to break away from that feeling.
It will only hurt you worse. 

Now, your husband is selfish I presume? 
How long have your troubles been lasting for now?


Sorry for your pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I feel for you JB. Is there anything that could change your situation?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea, there is a lot to hate there.

What are you going to do about it?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

jb7764 said:


> I hate my sex life.
> I hate not being the one to say "not tonight" or I have a "headache."
> I hate knowing that I can't just throw on a sexy outfit and seduce my way into getting what I want.
> I hate not feeling desired.
> ...


so whats your exit plan?


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I have said those exact words so many times I cannot even count....


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry, I know the feeling. I try to think of the posititive qualities I love about my husband and our marriage when I'm feeling this way.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Something battery powered and DIY???

Or tell him openly to step up or let another guy have a turn???

Above all, be honest with him and YOURSELF.

If it is getting that bad that hate is the desired word then you really need to think about where your future lies with this man, he is becoming your "friend" not your lover, if he friend zones himself too far then how long before you step out on him, not implying you are of loose morals but this is all too common the next logical step.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm so sorry you hate all those things about your sex life, that sucks. 

But thank you for posting here. It helps others to know that women are sometimes the HD partner. The more we hear this in the general population, the more other women will come forth and help you, or at least offer compassion. One of the worst parts about being the HD woman with an LD man is that if you try to talk about it, most of the responses you get will be:

is he gay?

or

did you get fat?

What really needs to be understood is that being LD is a condition in both men and women, and it is normal for both (in some percentage, not all men and women).

A sexual mismatch, no matter which gender is the HD partner, will always cause a lot of discomfort for them. Again, sorry, that totally sucks.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Tough choices. Sort it out . You will miss your sex drive when it withers and dies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

So.....where is the opening poster? Any Updates? Thoughts OP?


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

I think the OP literally just needed to vent, and was not looking for help or advise in solving their problems.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

And you hate feeling lonely.
And you hate that he makes you feel ashamed of your sex drive sometimes.
And you hate that you question your sex appeal.
And you hate that it's such a big deal because it's sex and who doesn't like sex?


It's okay to have these feelings. And it's a shame that this is happening. 

You have a right to feel that way.


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

Work on these problems, don t complain, try to deal with it at first and then battle with these problems.
Sometimes just look on other problems, sex life could be great but its still only part of your whole life.


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## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

I never realized I was getting responses to this old post. I must have notifications turned off. i wish I would have had the chance to read the replies I got because it was support that I so desperately needed and also tough words that I also need. 

We did manage to work through some of it. I'm still the HD one. But he tried harder for a while and then slips back. Way back. I do wonder at this point if this mismatch should mean the end. Especially since it can feel like we are reaching that "friend zone" as another poster mentioned. But my new problem is really with me. I think I'm more of the selfish one (I'm sure this is evident throughout my most recent post) and I can't figure out what my feelings are anymore. Is my love more friendly or 
Is it still that "in love" love? I can't tell the difference anymore. Thank you all for responding to this as I did nothing to try to check on it leaving your advice unused.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

jb7764 said:


> I never realized I was getting responses to this old post. ... Thank you all for responding to this as I did nothing to try to check on it leaving your advice unused.



Stick around and you probably find that you will be able to offer advice to others and that it will help you reflect on your situation by helping others with similar problems.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I have lots of questions. How is his health. Has he had his testosterone checked. What have you tried in the way of fixing the problem besides having the talk. Is your husband open to reading books, go to individual and marriage therapy? What does he say about the mismatch. Do you have children.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

jb7764 said:


> I hate feeling like I have to try for sex even when I'm not in the mood "just in case this is my only chance for a while."


Man here. This stuck out to me. I feel all the other things you mentioned, but this one really got to me, and I'm not sure this particular point gets mentioned all too often in threads like this.

When I realize I'm doing this, I usually recognize it for the low point that it is, then I feel ashamed, and that sucks. The rest of your points bring me frustration, resentment, sometimes a little bit of anger. This one brings shame and embarrassment, and I hate feeling that way about something that should be loving and intimate and positive.

And the lack of control about the whole thing sucks, too. I'm certainly no control freak, but when you have none, it's apparent and it's a bad feeling - especially when something is "supposed" to be mutual.

I've often wondered if this is part of my wife's problem, or other LD wives or husbands in general. My wife prefers to be in control at most times, but I wouldn't deem her a control freak, if that makes sense. (I know "control freak", my ex wife was one...)

For those of you who know or remember my previous posts, my wife DOES enjoy sex, she just doesn't need/desire it. So unlike the OP's husband in this thread, and many other LD spouses, my wife doesn't just lie back and not participate (every other thing on OP's list, I can identify with, though). But as with just about every other LD spouse, the rejection rate is high, and often for no apparent reason. ("I want to read my book", despite flirty behaviour on both our parts throughout the day, etc etc etc).

I've discovered throughout the years that it almost doesn't matter how I treat her throughout the day, the possibility of sex on any given day is the same as all the others.

So I've started to wonder how much of it is due to her (perhaps subconscious) desire to be in control, to be able to say yes or no whenever she wants. She will normally be receptive to my flirty advances throughout the day, but where "normal" couples will inevitably end up having sex in such situations, it makes no difference with us. There's just as much chance of sexual activity happening without the flirtiness and all that.

Now here's the thing, when sex does happen, she's very much into it, however it's mainly me that's in control. She doesn't just lie back - she participates, but she doesn't take the lead, it's on me to guide her. This is pretty much the only time in our marriage in which she relinquishes control completely. Yet getting to this point, she's the one in control.

Now what I've found over the years, OP, is that my wife is more receptive to being "taken" (not always, mind you...). The issue for me is that this isn't my style, and that when I go this route, it's generally a less loving experience over all (and quicker). It also rarely involves her having to do any work.

Case in point, we were doing some home renos this weekend. At one point, I turned to her, looked her in the eyes, and just went for it. I gave her oral sex right there, and she was extremely receptive to it, and got off in a minute flat. Then I went back to work. I didn't expect, or even want anything in return - right then. I just felt like doing that, and hoped it would lead to something later on that evening, I guess. But of course not, the book was more interesting and important.

Now, why didn't I initiate again? Honestly, because I'm tired of it. I'm pretty sure it would have happened, but it's always, always, up to me to make the first move. I figured, in all honesty, I already DID make the first move earlier that day.

So the cycle continues.

But OP, if you haven't tried it yet, just take your husband. It is possible he just isn't the one to make the first move. Yes, it gets tiresome always being the initiator, but if you haven't tried just jumping him, then I suggest you do. I assume you have tried this, of course, but I don't know that. It works with my wife, and she seems to much prefer that type of sex. But I don't. She's highly orgasmic, and it takes her no time at all, so in a "quick" session, she'll get off 3 or 4 times in less than 5 minutes (oral or manual stimulation, then again through PIV). I might be lucky if she touches me for a few seconds, usually when she's guiding me inside her. So it ends up being all about her. I'll give her oral for less than a minute before she O's, and she needs 30 seconds or so before I can give her another one. Then after 2 or 3, she needs me inside her, and she usually finishes in less than a minute that way, too, by which point I'm done.

So the type of sex she wants lasts 5 minutes, she gets off 3 or 4 or 5 times, and she hasn't had to do anything. Honestly, it's kind of hot when we're in the moment like that, but when it's over, I almost feel used. I got little to no effort in return from her, I did all the work, she gets off several times and didn't have to do anything for me.

But again, it reverts back to your list, where it's always the way THEY want it, never the way WE want it.


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## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

Catherine602, his health is decent, but he is over weight. He has always been on the heavier side, but the last few years he's put on more weight. I thought for a while that he was just self coconscious and he didn't feel very good about himself, so I would try to make sure he knew I was still attracted to him and pay him compliments and flirt with him. Sometimes he's receptive, but not enough to get me any, and sometimes he ignores it. I don't think he has had his T levels checked, but he may have a few years ago when we went through some infertility testing. I'm going to lean towards no because it was really hard to get him on board with the semen test and a regular checkup. He wouldn't read any books and I'm not sure about the counseling. For him it would mostly be a money issue. If he thought it cost too much he'd say no. So I'd have to see if I can find it for free. I'm sure you already figured it out, but no we do not have children. He has said things that imply that if we can't find middle ground we will end it. And he's brought it up before that we don't really have anything in common, but he doesn't really say anything else when he does that. So I'm sure its on his mind often. 

alexm, I have tried the just take him approach. He's not receptive to that AT ALL. I'm pretty sure he hates it. Every time I've tried it he has gotten pissed and then I had zero chance so I gave up on that. I've tried outfits which are hit and miss, but I've been rejected too many times with that approach that I just don't feel confident enough to keep trying it. I honestly do on some level want to control him. Not in a way that would mean me calling all the shots, but I do want to be able to turn him down for once (I literally never have since I'm always the one to initiate). I don't want to be a DOM either. I just want to feel like I have a say in my own sex life. And I want it to be spontaneous. I even had to just start asking if we could instead of trying to seduce. But that's not really effective either because while I think he appreciates me asking instead of making physical moves on him, he will say yes and then end up changing his mind which is hard on me. So after that happens a few times I won't try at all for as long as I can stand it. usually only a couple weeks but sometimes 3. By then I will be able to get him to agree because it's been long enough. But I don't want to wait 2 weeks in between romps.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Read this book. Do you want to stay with a man who invest nothing in the relationship? If so, why? 

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship – July 1, 1997 by Mira Kirshenbaum


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

jb7764 said:


> But I don't want to wait 2 weeks in between romps.


Take my word for it, ain't nothing more you can do to make him more frisky. And the bad news is it will get worse. You've got only three options; 1. put up with it (just to be with him). 2. Find someone on the side. 3. unload him. My advise is to unload him and both of you find someone more compatible. As bad as it sounds, 2 is better than one. Hey, you tried. Its him that's not up to the task and leaving you to collect dust until he's in the mood.


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