# Wife still loves me but wants a divorce



## Jay83

Hi everyone,

I have been with my wife for 5 years and married two. I am 31 and my wife is in her mid twenties. 

Three days before our wedding two years ago she uninvited a female friend and her husband to our wedding because she was jealous and insecure of her. This woman was my friend, never anything more and I was also friends with her husband. Attempts were made to make my wife to feel more at ease about her but this was never successful, my wife would always find an problem. So we fell out about this because to be honest I was embarrassed, and now it looked like something on-towards had happened between me and this woman. That night unannounced whilst she was working her father turned up at our flat and started to dictate who I can and can't speak to, also if this woman turns up at the wedding then they will make her feel very uninvited. I swallowed it for my soon to be wife and I lost a lot of friends. so to me these boundaries in our relationship had been set. 

We have always had a strong relationship up until earlier this year when I suspected her having an emotional affair with a customer at the bar she manages. Not only had i noticed this but other locals had too. She is a very outgoing and friendly, also attractive and in her mid twenties. The other man was late thirties but a big character and had a very charming a likeable persona. 

I decided to confront my wife on the way she had been acting, I have never been the jealous or insecure type, in fact this is the first time in our relationship that I had decided to confront her about her actions in regards to flirting. All I asked was for her to think about the way she has been acting with this guy and to put her self in my position (shes quite an insecure woman and can get very jealous). The response was some thing I wasn't expecting, instead of being understanding she responded by saying that she feels "44 not 24" and that I am "jealous because she has friends and a social life and I don't".

So obviously there was fallout from that but we seemed to work through it. The next night we were at the bar and my mum and her other half joined us for a drink, her parents also turned up, her father greeted us all but her mum (who is by the way a nasty piece of work) blanked all three of us. I had kept my mouth shut for years for my wife's sake in regards to my mother i law but this just pushed me over the edge. I ended up arguing with my wife over this and called her mum a narcissistic *****. I know not the nicest of things to say but I was at my limit with the woman.

So things rumbled on for a while and my wife is like a closed book when trying to talk to her. The only responses you get are "okay" "I don't know" or her rolling her eyes at me. So when I found out she had been telling others including my sister that I A: don't let her talk B: Shout and scream at her. both of which are not true. As the weeks moved on I started to find out more details about her and this other guy. He worked down here from Monday to Friday and then would return home at weekends, so when he was down here he would stay in a hotel. She would get home later some nights from work and I wondered why, turns out she would close the bar and have a drink with this guy and the drop him back to his hotel in the early hours. She had also been privately messaging this guy too. I just had a gut feeling something wasn't right.

So the next time we spoke about what was going on I recorded our conversation to back myself up about how she can lie and twist things. At the end of the conversation I was shocked to see how much she actually lied. When I told her I wanted to work on this and make a go of our marriage her response was "I don't know if I want too" this is where I made my first mistake. Where she had told others that I am the one who lies and shouts frustration got the better of me and I sent it to a few people including her sister. Absolutely stupid move to make but in my head I was defending myself against being made to sound like a bullying husband. I had in previous arguments gave her ultimatums (this isn't the first time she's done something like this) like "if this happens again then the marriage is over".

The next mistake I made was the following week when I still suspected something wasn't right so I hacked her facebook account and found messages from this guy (nothing to incriminating but still flirtatious, also a facebook phone call at 1am) and others. One being another local who she had been speaking to about us. He was being another poison to our marriage messaging her saying "if you're being accused of having an affair then you might as well have one and I am willing to help" and also "are you sure he's not having an affair?". To her credit she didn't react to him. Now the way she found out that I had done this was to hack into my work emails. so in this case we were both as bad as each other.

Since then we have had so many fallouts, the difference is that I have always maintained that I wanted us to make a go of the marriage and she's not been too keen, saying she looks at me differently after I hacked her facebook and the recording of the conversation and sending it to family and friends. so now we are heading down the road of divorce even after I suggested counselling and she refused. The part that has bugged me is that all through this I have tried, all she has tried to do is turn everything back on me. In my opinion this is a sign of guilt.

She has even lied about where she has spent nights. I have honestly tried my very best to get this marriage up and going but it seems like her friends now become before me. She has now got the ball rolling on separation and is planning on buying me out of our house. 

Sorry for the long rant but it's been a tough few months. I've not been perfect through this but I guess I will take this as a very harsh life lesson. She says she still loves me but there is no way back. Lost cause.


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## GusPolinski

She's cheating.

Let her go, and be thankful that you don't have any kids.

Next time stay away from bartenders, bar flies, etc.


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## Evinrude58

Ok, here's the thing. I don't think you'll accept it. But here is my opinion and advice:

Once a woman starts sharing her emotions with another man, her husband is toast. Plain and simple. It's over in her mind. That's why for all this time, she has made zero effort in the marriage. 
I think you should divorce. She says she loves you. I disagree. She's trying to keep you for plan b. likely because she knows her other men are losers. 
I say file for divorce. Stop acting weak and letting her run the show while f'ing other men--- yeah, it's happening.
If she really wants to work on the marriage, you can do that and stop the divorce. If she doesn't, just divorce. You have no choice. One person can't fix a broken marriage.

I'm very sorry. And I also think that her jealousy is stemming from thinking YOU do the same kind of bull butter that SHE does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jay83

Thanks for the replies.

Yeah It's a tough and very bitter pill to swallow, and I have obviously suspected her of cheating but I have no concrete evidence. 

To be honest I am quite looking forward to moving on with my life and start fresh. It's a shame though, I never envisioned that I would be getting divorced at such a young age (No one does I guess).

No regrets though, in my opinion the recordings and hacking her facebook were nothing in comparison to what she has done as I believe mine were justified against the slanderous comments she has made towards my actions. 

You can see that she's struggling with something, it's like being married to two women.


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## Evinrude58

I know ex a you how you feel on all this. Makes no difference if she physically cheated, which she very likely did. What matters is she shared her heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GuyInColorado

You need to get to the acceptance phase quickly. This means you don't give a damn what others think of your failing marriage and move on with your life. Talk about your failed marriage with friends and family, no hiding it. Hand her divorce papers first. Don't be a doormat.

I separated back in January and my divorce is final today. Time will go quickly and you'll soon find someone else and learn from your mistake.


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## Jay83

Well that is what bothered me the most to be honest, the fact that she's shared her heart with another man/men.As I said who knows if anything physical happened and I won't waste my time worrying about it to be honest. 

As I mentioned I'm not an insecure or jealous guy and I also don't let her always get her way but I'm not one to be nasty, I will take the morale high ground if and when I can. 

I personally think she has deeper issues physiologically like her mum and father. Very narcissistic tendencies, and they hate being told they are wrong or even if someone has a different opinion to theirs they can get quite nasty and patronising.

It's good to see who your real friends/family are through times like this. I like to confide in people are rational minded and won't just agree with me and just be honest.


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## knobcreek

This marriage was likely over a long long time ago...


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## Jay83

As I mentioned I am quite happy to admit it's over and to look forward to my new life. I couldn't imagine putting up with these double standards for the rest of my life. And as mentioned I am very lucky there are no children involved, only our pets which I will miss terribly.

I haven't even mentioned some of the other going on's. She works part time with my sister and even lied to her about certain things which she was then exposed for. 

Lets be honest though, divorce sucks whether its for the best in the long run or not. 

She had a single female friend who just seemed to consume our marriage. I was always very welcoming to her and her son at ours even cooking for them. As soon as me and my wife fell out she leaked into our marriage like a poison. 

Even when I asked to look at my wife's phone she declined.

It's crazy when you write all of this out and try to see it from another perspective.

Once again thank you for the replies.


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## Openminded

I was more than twice your age when I divorced amd I wish I had gone through with it in my mid-30's when DD1 occurred instead of waiting for DD2 30 years later. It's a shock -- no matter what age you are -- since we don't go into marriage thinking we'll get a divorce but you'll be fine. It just takes some time to adjust.


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## Unicus

Jay, with all due respect, you and your wife sound like a couple of high school students not adults, there's entirely too much drama here (on both sides), and very little substance. The real issue is the quality of your emotional relationship, not who she talks to.

I'd put the genie back in the bottle here and go out with her someplace with no or limited alcohol..pubs and bars lend themselves to excessive drinking and thus limited capacity to actually process. .. and talk with her maturely about your concerns and let her respond. If she gets all pubescent on you, try to redirect her in an adult way about your concerns. Don't talk about "How would you feel if...", and quit hacking into her FB account or other equally silly ways of obtaining partial info on all this.


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## Marc878

Write this off and move on. There is no reason to waste time on this one.


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## 225985

How do you both have these great hacking skills? She was able to "hack" into your work email? Or do you mean just guess the password?

Most people have no clue how to hack, let alone both H and W have these skills? It that common in the UK?


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## straightshooter

Sorry, but she does not still love you. She is staying out all night with another man and that does not translate into she still loves you regardless of her reasons.

You are playing the pick me game and that rarely ends well.


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## MachoMcCoy

straightshooter said:


> Sorry, but she does not still love you.


This.


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## Jay83

Sorry for the late reply.

Thank you for everyone who has gotten back to me.

I understand where some of you are coming from but I think it's quite a harsh comment to say I have acted like a teenager. I am looking at losing everything I have built up over five years (which I know some of you have been married longer etc), I'm not going to take that lying down. It is especially difficult when your once loving wife turns into someone you don't even recognise. And fearing the worst I collated evidence which would back me up if that situation ever did arise.

She is still moved out and trying to be controlling, she came home yesterday for ten mins to drop something off and decided to tell me how she got her "first offer" from another man to go back to his and have sex. Turns out I know the guy too. I don't bite though, I just smile and say "that's nice".

It's still quite shocking to see the turn around in my wifes personality. She's really not a very nice person anymore.


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## MJJEAN

She never was what and who you thought. The difference is now you can see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA

Huh, still moved out? When did this happen? Where is she living? What else is happening you are being guarded which is not unusual in either gender when first posting but the more info the better and more accurate the advise. Is this thread on the private section? If not remain guarded until it can be moved. 

Time to drop the mike. Dropping the mike (I did not write, posted by another)*


Do it for you. Trust me, at some point you are going to wish that you had that moment to just call her out on her cheating. I mean a simple opener like, "Since you felt guilty about the things you did with the true love of your life while we were married, I want to set you free."*

I am a fan of "dropping the mike". A euphemism here for saying all that needs to be said. A quick, cool, and calculated confrontation followed by a plan of action is the most devastating thing you can do. AFTER YOU HAVE HIRED THE LAWYER and followed their advice on locking down finances, etc.*

If you are allowed to separate the money early, get what ever keepsakes you want ready to take, get credit cards separated and no longer joint obligations so she can rack up debt, etc., do it. She will go for the credit cards to hire a lawyer and they need to be cancelled. That can happen in a day or two before you drop the bomb. Same with bank accounts, and lines of credit. Then Drop the mike.

Seriously, with the confrontation she is shocked at discovery, with the divorce filed she is rocked with immediate consequences, and with none of your money to use against you, she is already in the losing position. If she has her own money, fine. She just can't use yours against you. That is how the "mike is dropping works .*


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## JohnA

Second reclaim the friends you lost. Reach out to them and say at one point I sacrificed friendships for a marriage that was doomed to fail. They say a friend in need is a friend indeed, I am a lost friend in need. You will be amazed at the response. 

As to your FIL and MIL when they confront you after papers are served, simple respond "your daughter is acting like street trash, your only concern at this point is to tell her she not a princess and get her to grow up, now leave we are done".

Read and become the 180 Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums

From this moment on make one goal: get out. Post and ask for advise from this point of view.


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## Spotthedeaddog

She don't care for you in the slightest, you're just her work-hoe that pays the rent.

kick princess (and Queen *****) to the curb and get on with your life.


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## Spotthedeaddog

Evinrude58 said:


> I know ex a you how you feel on all this. Makes no difference if she physically cheated, which she very likely did. What matters is she shared her heart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Even in things like multi-partner polyarmory if you share you heart with others you have to make an extra effort to share with your partners. To keep the two way street. you haven't got a two way street, you've got a one way cul-de-sac with a toll booth, and you're paying.


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## Jay83

Luckily we have little to no debt so I can cut ties pretty quickly once the separation agreement is in place and I have my money (sounds cold but you have to be). Yeah she has been at her mums for three weeks now, it's her choice not mine. 

I act like I don't care which to be honest a big part of me doesn't now. She's young and tries to play mind games to make me jealous and it just doesn't work. I must stress as I have before though that there is o concrete evidence that she has cheated and she's always been an outgoing friendly person who can be mistaken for something else. Personally I think she got married to young and now she's on the cusp of 25 is looking at her life like she's missing out on her youth but still wants to be married (having her cake and eating it). She still gets paranoid about me when I go out, and I say let her be, it's not nice when the shoe is on the other foot.

As for "dropping the mike" I have done this already.There is no coming back from this and she knows it. At present my I still consider my situation very fortunate compared to others I have seen on here.


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## Jay83

And also my friends and family have been amazing, even old friends have reached out to support me. I have kept my counsel small though. I don't want to turn this into a he said she said scenario. I believe in staying calm and collected, and the truth will eventually come out.


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## DellaStreet

Evinrude58 said:


> I know ex a you how you feel on all this. * Makes no difference if she physically cheated, which she very likely did. What matters is she shared her heart.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Jay83 said:


> And as mentioned I am very lucky there are no children involved, *only our pets which I will miss terribly.*


Although I think I get what Evinrude is saying, it DOES matter if she physically cheated. You should worry if you might have been exposed to an STI. Get tested, Jay. Just to be sure. It matters that she shared her heart; but it also matters if she shared her vagina, mouth . . .

Why does she get the pets? Poor things :frown2:, especially if you are bonded with them.

Moving forward, why do you think you were attracted to this gal, Jay? Because from your OP, it doesn't seem like she has a single virtue. There must have been something? Was it purely looks and sex? You don't have to answer that here. It's more something for you to think about before you get involved in your next relationship.


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## MattMatt

Jay, get tested for STDs/HIV.

Your doctor should be able to arrange an appointment at the hospital's GUM clinic.

Why do this? There's no point in allowing her to play Russian Roulette with your health.


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## Jay83

She is keeping the house and I don't want to take them out as for the foreseeable future I will be living with my mum whilst I look into getting on to the property ladder, it's a shame because they are brilliant.

She's not always been like this. She was my best friend and we always looked out for each other. She would always put me first as would I with her. And then she started to hang around with single friends.... then her attitude changed. She can be extremely defensive and strong willed. As I have mentioned before I am not a jealous or insecure husband but I just had that gut feeling something wasn't right. She has for sure taken the flirting too far and has dug herself into a deep hole, especially considering how jealous she can get even if I go out with friends for a night out. She's had a lot of people walk out of her life when she was younger and had a difficult childhood.


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## Jay83

Well I just got the call that she has been accepted in principle for the mortgage by herself. Such a strange situation. I've gone from having a loving wife to now this person who I just don't know anymore. I'm trying to stop my mind over thinking the situation. 

I don't know how someone can just let go of a marriage over something so simple, unless what some of you are saying is right that there is someone else. I mean we know couples who physically abuse each other and still find it in there hearts to forgive each other. 

Such a crazy situation. I feel like such a mug.


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## DellaStreet

Jay83 said:


> And then* she started to hang around with single friends*.... then her attitude changed.


Not usually a good idea for married people to go out at night, especially to bars, with single friends.

Single people are single, they are looking for romance and sexual attention when they go out to bars. Why not? They aren't committed to anyone.

It's bad judgement for a married person to hang around in that environment.


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## Herschel

What you married is who she wants to be. What you have now is who she really is. We all have to deal with it, sometimes it's easy to just cut and run. In your case, it is. gtfo


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## MattMatt

Herschel said:


> What you married is who she wants to be. What you have now is who she really is. We all have to deal with it, sometimes it's easy to just cut and run. In your case, it is. gtfo


That's sadly true.

Unless she has had some kind of a breakdown? Would thst be possible?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars

This is a sad situation. You have my....what....condolences. Nothing syrupy. You do not need it.

At 25, she is young, vivacious, hot and desirable, minus her true personality, that only one who knows her [intimately] will NOT appreciate.

At 45, she will be sotted, used by many men, damaged by the many drinks [in her pub] that men buy her. Her flesh will be puffy, adipose, the liver heading for overload.

She will age quickly and badly. This is a given.

This is not a pretty thought, nor gracious, nor respectful. She now will play out [only] the cards that she was dealt. 

Your cards are now in your hands.... and are no longer combined with hers. Her fate has been downgraded by your departure. She lost 52 cards to a better future.

And her little mind did not grasp that fact....shame.


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## Jay83

Her family has a history of mental illness, both her mum and dad are both narcissistic and have very strange behaviour. She has shown a lot of this behaviour but I always brought out the best in her. I was her confidant and rock, I always stood by her side and held her hand through the tough times. It's like she's having a quarter life crisis. We all go through relationships where at points your feelings towards your other half maybe wain a bit but you know it's a dip and it will soon come back. We worked are arses off to get where we are. Are first property was a state, but we both grafted and made it into a nice home which we then sold for quite a profit and bought are house with a £50k deposit. That was what I thought the home where we would bring up are family in and now every night I sit in silence and look around thinking "this is all going to be gone soon". It's a very lonely feeling. 

Don't get me wrong I am quite looking forward to the new chapter in my life but this has left a very sour taste in my mouth. The only time I needed her to stand by me she walks. And no... I am happy and lucky it's happened when I'm still young enough to turn my life around and that she has also showed her true colours.... but it still hurts that this has happened. And to be honest I feel sorry for her, because sunCmars you are right. She will realise what she has lost when it's too late and with someone who treats her like dirt.

I will move back in with my mum with a considerable sum of money and also able to save quite a bit of money and sort my life out in relative peace. whilst she will still have the same poisons alcoholics surrounding her making out that they have her best interests at heart when they are slowly dragging her down to their level.


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