# Hubby lying about spending and many other strange behaviors. Any input is welcome!



## jtec040812 (Dec 5, 2012)

I have been married to my husband for 5 years. It has been some what rough. He has been arrested for stealing, he has been emotionally abusive and I think he is narcassisitic(SP). I am not perfect either though. This relationship has really turned me into someone I am not happy with at all.

I have turned into someone who is overly aggressive, non trusting and extremely stressed out. I wanted to bring up some very strange behaviors that my husband partakes in that I don't quite undertsand. Well one, he has a bad spending problem. This isnt what is strange, but what is strange is that he spends like there is no tomorrow and doesnt really try hiding it. Well he tries hiding the receits, but he knows I can call the bank or see the bank statement and see all that he has spent.

One week he spent $650 on nothing but food on himself and things for his rc cars, this hobby that he has and gas for his truck. He didnt even pay the insurance on the truck and it was cancelled. When I asked him if he paid it he said yes, knowing he hadnt but trying to lie to me about it. I already knew he hadnt paid it but but wanted to give him the opportunity to tell the truth. 

Now our family is going without things we need, like food and a vehicle because we cant afford right now to get insured until next month and he acts like he has done nothing wrong at all. He has denied all wrongs. When I finally did confront him that I knew he didnt pay on the insurance, he turned it around on me, and he said that the reason why he quit paying the bills was because I am uncommitted to our marriage.

The reason why he is saying that is because I have threatened divorce in the past but that wasnt the current situation or problem at the time. I have no idea why he is bringing that up. Whenever I bring up any viable issue that he clearly has done wrong like lie, or hide something from me, or whatever it may be, he always scoffs or laughs and acts like I am up in the night and just crazy or he admits to it but turns it around on me like I forced him to do the action by the way that I act.

I feel like he has a mental illness or something. I know I have issues also, and I know there is so much I need to work on, but I know that I do not lie, I do not ever spend behind his back, I put our family first in all that I do, and all that I do is worry about our problems and taking care of our day to day issues. This is not him at all. He sneaks around, he lies quite a bit, I catch him just about everyday in a new lie, he isnt even good at it anymore, he is annoyed and mean to our kids and he acts like our bills are no worries or concerns to him and that I am just a worry wort. 

He will even become angry for and flustered for what seems like no reason at times. I ask him what is wrong, and I always try (not perfect at this but make an effort) to be calm and ask him whats wrong and if something is bothering him. He just yells and says "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME, JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE"! He really gets rotten. If I leave him alone when he is like this he gets mean and nasty and if I try talking to him, he is mean and nasty. it is seriously a lose/lose situation. 

This year he is trying to make me tell my parents that they aren't aloud to get our kids anything for Christmas because he thinks our kids have too many toys already (they don't). He isnt telling his Dad this, it is just my parents. 

I have thought of leaving him many many times. I fear that won't help. He is to into himself to care if we are gone at all. I fear our kids will go without a Dad. My family thinks I am completely crazy for staying with him. 

What would you all do if your spouse lied habitually and would sneak constantly? What would you do if they spent your money dry at times putting you in the negative and then when confronted acted like it was your fault they did it? What would you do if your spouse never took any responsibility for the wrongs they did, and scoffed and laughed at you when you tried talking to them about it or acted like you were just crazy?


This is where I am and frankly I am at a huge loss right now as to what to do. Any advice is very welcome. Thanks.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I would take control of the money & feed my family.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Arrested for stealing? After that I'm done.


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## jtec040812 (Dec 5, 2012)

He did give me is debit card. But he still has this bitter attitude about me having complete control over the finances. About the getting arrested for stealing, I probably would have been gone also if I wouldnt have been for me being pregnant. I felt at that time it was a "stick it out" situation, I also thought since he was 21 when it happened that he would change. I was wrong.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Being pregnant wouldn't have made me stay with a theif. In fact, why would I want my baby around someone so morally challenged? He's stealing and getting arrested and he has a child on the way. What was he thinking? I would say he wasn't, in which case would give me pause about any other decisions he would make for the family.

He's been showing you he's not capable of being a responsible adult all along. I can't understand why you're confused about what to do next.


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## jtec040812 (Dec 5, 2012)

I think I am looking possibly for validation in that I am not crazy here and that what he is doing IS wrong. His Dad and the Bishop of our Church has made it seem like we should try sticking it out at all costs but when I sit back and take a serious inventory of what has gone on in our marriage, I cannot believe I have stayed. If I was an outsider looking in, I would think something was seriously wrong with him mentally. I wish I had more courage to leave.


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## jtec040812 (Dec 5, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Being pregnant wouldn't have made me stay with a theif. In fact, why would I want my baby around someone so morally challenged? He's stealing and getting arrested and he has a child on the way. What was he thinking? I would say he wasn't, in which case would give me pause about any other decisions he would make for the family.
> 
> He's been showing you he's not capable of being a responsible adult all along. I can't understand why you're confused about what to do next.


I have just felt because of our religious background that I should stay so that our kids have their father.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jtec040812 said:


> I have thought of leaving him many many times. I fear that won't help. He is to into himself to care if we are gone at all. I fear our kids will go without a Dad. My family thinks I am completely crazy for staying with him.


Of course it will help! You and your children will be free from such crazy, chaotic behaviors and won't learn to be just like their dad. They're better off going without a dad than to spend their childhoods learning from that particular role model.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

jtec040812 said:


> I have just felt because of our religious background that I should stay so that our kids have their father.


It also says in the bible (Proverbs) that if you lay with dogs you get up with fleas, and to be careful with the company you keep. You stay with him, your kid could turn out to be a thief and a liar too.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't know if he has any evidence of mental illness but he has an abundance of evidence of having piss-poor character. He steals. He's selfish, he refuses to accept responsibility for his own decisions and mistakes. He habitually lies. Naturally, you don't trust him. You'd be goofy to trust a lying, thief. Whether you're a wife or an employer, you always should invest in character and avoid marrying or hiring anyone who lacks it. It's a shame there's a child involved in this. A person either is trustworthy or they aren't and your husband isn't. A person either is honorable or he isn't. Character is pretty much formed by age 5, so a dishonest adult is pretty much useless as teats on a boar and highly unlikely to ever change.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

jtec040812 said:


> I have just felt because of our religious background that I should stay so that our kids have their father.


His status as their father doesn't change if he's in your house or anywhere else. You're talking about biology and geography which are two completely different things.

Your kids are fathered by a person of low moral character. While you can't do anything about his choices and lack of sound judgment, you CAN do something about what you and your kids are subjected to. You have a responsibility to your kids to protect them, even from HIM if necessary.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Your husband sounds manic. Mania is the opposite of depression - it means a person is unreasonably optimistic about everything. It's usually caused by bipolar disorder or drug abuse. Stimulants like meth cause mania, but the mania goes away after the drugs wear off.
Have you ever noticed that car dealerships always have free coffee? Coffee is a powerful stimulant. It's not as powerful as meth, but it has the same effect of making people a bit more optimistic and a bit more willing to spend money they wouldn't normally spend.



jtec040812 said:


> I have been married to my husband for 5 years. It has been some what rough. He has been arrested for stealing,


Mania will do that. If a person is absolutely convinced they can get away with it, then why not? Compulsive stealing is called kleptomania. 



> Well one, he has a bad spending problem. This isnt what is strange, but what is strange is that he spends like there is no tomorrow and doesnt really try hiding it. Well he tries hiding the receits, but he knows I can call the bank or see the bank statement and see all that he has spent.


Easily explainable by mania. The manic stage of bipolar disorder can be extremely dangerous because people do ridiculous things like buy a new truck they don't need or have unprotected sex with lots of different people. This applies to drug-induced mania as well. There's a strong correlation between using meth and catching HIV because the manic episode caused by meth leads people to believe they don't need condoms. It can also lead to really dumb excuses because they're confident that a dumb answer is good enough. A lot of prescription drugs increase dopamine firing in the brain, and those drugs usually have a warning about mania. Some people have done things like take an MAO-B inhibitor to treat parkinson's disease then suddenly they have an extreme gambling or shopping addiction. Is he on any medications, or is he naturally manic like this?




> Now our family is going without things we need, like food and a vehicle because we cant afford right now to get insured until next month and he acts like he has done nothing wrong at all. He has denied all wrongs. When I finally did confront him that I knew he didnt pay on the insurance, he turned it around on me, and he said that the reason why he quit paying the bills was because I am uncommitted to our marriage.


It's possible that he really doesn't believe he did anything wrong. Mania is also linked to depersonalization. Depersonalization is hard to explain because it doesn't make sense unless you've felt it before. Depersonalization is when a person doesn't feel like they are in control of their body. It's like your body is on autopilot, and all you can do is watch. This is actually a very common side effect of drugs. Some people experience depersonalization when drunk. Depersonalization is also very common when taking a drug like meth or PCP.




> This is not him at all. He sneaks around, he lies quite a bit, I catch him just about everyday in a new lie, he isnt even good at it anymore, he is annoyed and mean to our kids and *he acts like our bills are no worries or concerns to him* and that I am just a worry wort.


Classic sign of mania. When my doctor gave me a certain drug, I remember him saying "if you suddenly feel like you have infinite money and bills are not a problem, immediately stop taking this medication." The medication was a dopamine stimulant.



> He will even become angry for and flustered for what seems like no reason at times. I ask him what is wrong, and I always try (not perfect at this but make an effort) to be calm and ask him whats wrong and if something is bothering him. He just yells and says "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME, JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE"!


That's very common in people who have bipolar disorder. 


I would definitely leave. Right now you're looking at a crushed car and asking how you can fix it. You can't. Just run away and get a new one.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jtec040812 said:


> What would you all do if your spouse lied habitually and would sneak constantly? What would you do if they spent your money dry at times putting you in the negative and then when confronted acted like it was your fault they did it? What would you do if your spouse never took any responsibility for the wrongs they did, and scoffed and laughed at you when you tried talking to them about it or acted like you were just crazy?
> 
> 
> This is where I am and frankly I am at a huge loss right now as to what to do. Any advice is very welcome. Thanks.


I would leave. Plain and simple, no ifs, ands or buts. I have no tolerance for this kind of sh!t.


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## jtec040812 (Dec 5, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> Your husband sounds manic. Mania is the opposite of depression - it means a person is unreasonably optimistic about everything. It's usually caused by bipolar disorder or drug abuse. Stimulants like meth cause mania, but the mania goes away after the drugs wear off.
> Have you ever noticed that car dealerships always have free coffee? Coffee is a powerful stimulant. It's not as powerful as meth, but it has the same effect of making people a bit more optimistic and a bit more willing to spend money they wouldn't normally spend.
> 
> 
> ...


This is exactly what I told my sister in law who is a psychologist, I felt like he is bi polar. Wow, I have never once seen anyone ever break it down like this before, ever. Really much more of an eye opener than I would have imagined. Thank you


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## jtec040812 (Dec 5, 2012)

Thank you everyone. I have really been lying to myself for a very very long time about my husband and his behavior. I thought for so long that it was me and if I changed that he would get better. This is so wrong. I am grateful I found this place to be able to gain the validation I need so that I can see that I am not crazy and that what he is doing is wrong. Sometimes I really question myself and think "well maybe he is right." I do not want my kids being like him, and being like this. It is complete craziness. He is not okay mentally and I see this now. Should I suggest he get help professionally or should I just let him be and leave?


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## jtec040812 (Dec 5, 2012)

ShawnD, he has always been like this since we have been together. I dont think he is on anyhting at all. He has taken his brothers painkillers in the past but his brother has since moved. I think he is very screwed up because of somethings that happened to him as a child. His Dad also spends like this I have noticed. All of his family but one or two of siblings have addictions and spending issues.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jtec040812 said:


> Should I suggest he get help professionally or should I just let him be and leave?


I wouldn't try telling him what to do. If you think you might WANT to get back with him later, you can say that it's what you'd have to see in order to feel comfortable, but I'd wait until the issue of getting back together came up if it was me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife has bi-polar and depression but she also has character. She neither steals nor lies. I can tolerate someone struggling with an illness. I can't abide dishonesty in a marriage partner.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I worked with a bunch of RC hobbiest who attended races regularly and spent a ton of money on their equipment and traveling around SO CAL. The one thing I noticed about the married guys in this group is that they were all trying to escape their marriages. Some of them were serial cheaters as well. The races gave them an excuse to be away from home. If your husband is not living up to his responsibilities because he thinks driving a miniature car around a miniature track is more important then his family then your man has zero respect for you or your family. RC cars are cool toys but building a lifestyle around them seems fairly ridiculous to me.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> I worked with a bunch of RC hobbiest who attended races regularly and spent a ton of money on their equipment and traveling around SO CAL. The one thing I noticed about the married guys in this group is that they were all trying to escape their marriages. Some of them were serial cheaters as well. The races gave them an excuse to be away from home. If your husband is not living up to his responsibilities because he thinks driving a miniature car around a miniature track is more important then his family then your man has zero respect for you or your family. RC cars are cool toys but building a lifestyle around them seems fairly ridiculous to me.


This happens across all age groups. One of my friends was really big into hockey and organizing hockey games because his mom was a total psycho. He just needed to get away from her.


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## VeryMuchInLove (Dec 6, 2012)

The bottom line, in my opinion, is this:

How much do you love him?

Now, I wouldn't say this if he was physically abusive or anything. I would tell you to run, and run FAST. However, from what you have described I would tell you to really think about how much you love him and what life would be like without him.

I left my boyfriend twenty years ago because he kissed other girls in front of me. Now I would give anything to take that decision back. I realize I have loved him all along, and we are back together. We lost twenty years together because I gave up on him, and not long after that he changed completely into a responsible adult. We can't get that lost time back.


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