# My H won't come to bed with me



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I have posted before about my H having really late nights. He usually gets to bed about 1am. I have e pressed to him that I'd love it if a couple of times a week he'd come to bed earlier with me and that I'm concerned if he continues to come to bed so late our sex life will suffer.

He has said he doesn't always feel tired earlier, and what if he wants to stay up? I said I wasn't planning on us going straight to sleep... Hasn't made a difference! The closest he's come is acknowledging yes it could end up a problem and "old habits die hard."

In the last few weeks he has not made the effort at all. I am really annoyed. I have started going to bed earlier rather than staying up with him but he hasn't once followed me up.

I was thinking of texting him today when he's at work "inviting" him to our bedroom at say 11pm for some fun which I thought would be a cute way to remind him but thinking about it I'm worried he'll see it as me harping on about it and tell me to quit hassling him.

Thoughts? Do I wait for him to come to me? Or "tell" him to meet me at 11pm? I don't want to nag but you'd think he'd be all for his wife trying to seduce him but he hasn't been with this!
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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If it were me, I'd straight out tell him to meet me at 11pm.

My husband and I do not go to bed at the same time ever. Actually, we usually have a child take their turn sleeping in our bed. My two youngest girls can not share a room. My youngest makes too many noises and she can't help it. We are working on another bedroom, but it's on hold due to finances. Believe me, I'd rather not have any children in our room.

What we do is, we find time in the evening when the two younger girls are in the bath, working on a project, or watching a movie. We lock our bedroom door and you have an idea what happens after that. Sometimes we do this every night of the week, but I'm the one who initiates 97% of the time. My husband has only turned me down once when he was not feeling well. I'd be awfully hurt if he said I was pushing or annoying him.

Good luck. There is something wrong in the marriage if your husband thinks your nagging him on this issue. Either he is stressed/depressed, addicted to porn or masturbating instead of pleasuring you.
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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> If it were me, I'd straight out tell him to meet me at 11pm.
> 
> My husband and I do not go to bed at the same time ever. Actually, we usually have a child take their turn sleeping in our bed. My two youngest girls can not share a room. My youngest makes too many noises and she can't help it. We are working on another bedroom, but it's on hold due to finances. Believe me, I'd rather not have any children in our room.
> 
> ...


We've just managed to move the youngest out of our room! I thought he'd be all for enjoying our space. We don't indulge after kids are in bed but before bedtime as we'd be interrupted by a head peering round the door of the lounge or the youngest would simply bang on the bedroom door and wake the others up!

My H likes to kick back after work. It's full on from getting to work until after kids are in bed and he really ekes out his own time thus the 1am bedtime. I've made sure I'm not expecting it or demanding it, and not every night, but I made it clear the 1am wake up calls are too much for me at the moment.

We could easily go to bed together except... He just won't *shrugs*
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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

You know, suggest he come to bed with you and then get up later in the evening if he isn't tired.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Put on something sexy and take a picture and text it to him at 11pm


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Good luck. There is something wrong in the marriage if your husband thinks your nagging him on this issue. Either he is stressed/depressed, addicted to porn or masturbating instead of pleasuring you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had the same thought...my guess is that the hubby's sex life doesn't begin until his wife goes to bed.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would say hey baby I've been thinking about making love all day how about a little quality time tonight?

if he balks then I'd say well I'm going to go fantasize about the neighbor(or who ever you want to say ) and take care of myself wish it was you though.


If he dosn't come running or act enthused about making love to you then I'd start making exit plans. Hes just not that invested in your happness.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

My H did this too, he would always stay up later and when i tried to stay up with him he would tell me I looked tired and should just go to bed without him. Turned out he was using all that time to view porn and pleasure himself. Then he started doing it during the day too. I tried texting, sexy pics, recording myself in bed touching myself and sending him that and nothing. Porn won. So I just stopped asking or even mentioning it. I even told him we should probably just sleep in separate rooms since we were basically roommates who had sex maybe once a week. There was absolutely no intimacy, no kissing hugging etc. I was fed up. Once I told him I was making plans to leave that's when he decided I was more important than the women he couldn't actually touch on the laptop. 

Can you check his computer search history? Does he have a smartphone?
If you check and its always blank then he is deleting it so you don't see what he is doing. My H started this once he realized I found out why he wasn't spending that time with me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Is he a very light sleeper. I used to have a great deal of difficulty falling asleep and my wife constantly thrashes in bed, talks, gets up etc.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Be willing to bet there is a porn habit that your hubby is involved with.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Be willing to bet there is a porn habit that your hubby is involved with.


Or a PA normal men don't turn down sex.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I tend to be a night person. I'm not sure why. I could function off of four hours of sleep a night, and do that for weeks at a time. There was just too much to do and learn. Practicing my music. Reading some books or articles. Even just unwinding after the kids went to bed, playing games or watching a netfix. And by netflix I mean a pirated movie.

I'm getting older now though. I start to get tired at 1 am instead of 3am.

However, if my wife was naked, I don't think practicing music would be that important to me at that time.

I'm not sure how healthy my behavior was to my marriage. I had worse demons in me that probably contributed to a marriage breakdown.
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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

You should confront your husband about this.
This will grow into a serious issue if not addressed.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Well last night was a no go, the youngest came down about 10:45PM. I'd sounded him out about an earlier night (said I'd get the littley back to sleep, he'd come up shortly after doing his nightly bathroom ritual and put kid back in own bed then could have some grown up time) but I crashed out and woke up about 3AM with three of us all smushed up lol!

He was a little defensive when I brought it up ("Let's go to bed a little earlier than 1AM" - (snapping)"*I* don't want to go to bed at 1AM) but hey ho let's see what happens tonight.

FWIW I don't think he has a secret porn habit. He doesn't delete the browser history on the laptop or phone. It's a non-issue between us, I joke if I do notice he's had a look and I look at porn from time to time. He's never hid the fact. So I don't think it's that.
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Does he drink too much coffee? Perhaps it's keeping him up at night. When I was young I could drink it all the time with no problem, then slowly it started keeping me up sleepless at night more and more until I cut back.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Does he drink too much coffee? Perhaps it's keeping him up at night. When I was young I could drink it all the time with no problem, then slowly it started keeping me up sleepless at night more and more until I cut back.


He doesn't drink coffee and he rarely drinks Coke-type drinks. And never tea after 6pm. So not caffeine. I do know he worries about not being able to get to sleep. His job can be really hard work and hectic and he frets about going to bed and not being able to drop off. The complete irony is that he's tired when he gets in from work, often falls asleep putting the littlest to bed, yet will stay up as long as possible. He likes a nightcap as he thinks it will help him to sleep but I suspect the alcohol is actually impairing his sleep and is not helping in the long run.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Well. Last night we were sat together and I said we should have an early night. He looked so tired and complained said when he returned from work he was exhausted.

He agreed. I sat and watched some TV with him. It got to half past ten, I fell asleep waiting for him. I woke on the sofa and it was 12:30AM and he was locking up the house ready to go to bed. I was angry with him, it is appatent that he has no intention at all of making the effort for me. I went to bed, he came up and asked if I wanted a massage: his idea of starting things off. I was half-asleep and told him I was falling asleep any minute.

I have no idea what to do with this. I stay up with him and he either stays up late and I get annoyed, or I fall asleep waiting. I go up early hoping he will follow and he doesn't. I invite him up and he says "later" or he's not tired. I think I'm done now with trying but it's really affecting the frequency we used to have, we've gone from most days to 1-2 times a week and I can see it continuing to drop.

And I've tried the "most guys would be over the moon if their wife did this". His responce: he knows. 

*shrugs*
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> He doesn't drink coffee and he rarely drinks Coke-type drinks. And never tea after 6pm. So not caffeine. I do know he worries about not being able to get to sleep. His job can be really hard work and hectic and he frets about going to bed and not being able to drop off. The complete irony is that he's tired when he gets in from work, often falls asleep putting the littlest to bed, yet will stay up as long as possible. He likes a nightcap as he thinks it will help him to sleep but I suspect the alcohol is actually impairing his sleep and is not helping in the long run.


Tea - actually has more caffeine in it than coffee AND for some reason studies have found that caffeine from tea has a longer last affect over time than does consuming it in coffee.

have him layoff tea after noon for a week and see if it helps.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Tea - actually has more caffeine in it than coffee AND for some reason studies have found that caffeine from tea has a longer last affect over time than does consuming it in coffee.
> 
> have him layoff tea after noon for a week and see if it helps.


Thanks for the info. I know he often gets made tea by clients when he goes out to their places so I'll mention it.

Really though I don't know if it'll make a difference. I texted him earlier and thiszwas his reply:

"I don't WANT to go to bed early. I've allready told you this. Why don't you understand? If you want massages and/or sex then tell me, I'm not a mindreader. I don't know that's what you want whilst you are painting your nails or hiding behind facebook."

For the record... He knows I'd like it every day or every other day. He knows by "early night" I mean intimate time. If you asked me I'd have said he was high drive too. He says now I'm doing a good job of pushing him away. So I've taken a cooler approach. Not sure what to do with this.
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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> > 14 million people out of work. 9.1 % unemployment. US business slowly getting better but companies are now seeing future order softness due to EU debt crisis.
> 
> Me after 911 US business slowdown. 110% all into to work.
> Paid to lead and think. Get home...tired. Give about 90% attention to kids (not 100% like before). Wife gets little attention when kids are in bed. Need my time to unwind and think. Think about work. How to make better. How to handle new boss. How to avoid getting downsized. Multi-tasking in my mind. Wine (nightcap) allowed me to unwind and multi-task
> ...


Dean, I hear you. Both sides. I know my H is stressed at work. He is given a ridiculous amount of responsibility for someone who is not in a senior role, can't get to that kind of role, and gets paid peanuts for the privilege. It pains me to see him so tired sometimes.

I do what I can to make it easier for him. Pack him sandwiches and lots of food for the day. Hot drink as he leaves. Hot soup in a flask when it's cold. Clean clothes for work. I get up with the kids so he can grab an extra half hour before work. Make dinner every evening. Stuff like that.

The trouble? The more I do the less I am appreciated. I have all ways prioritized my H's needs. So much so that in MC he declared he "had no needs" : translated meant his needs had been getting met for a long time so he didn't notice anymore. 

It doesn't come naturally to him. Through MC he has made a great effort. Right now I feel it trailing off. He asks if I am trying to push him away and I am doing a great job of it. I do not feel prioritized. I feel very deprioritized like I should never say I have needs.

The only way forward with this I think is what I have started to do by way of lowering the emotional temperature. I'd say I was warm definitely. He is cool mostly veering slightly either side from time to time. Last night he went out for a couple hours. Instead of waiting up I went to bed when I was tired, locked up, the house was in darkness. If he'd rather stay up every night late he can. I will go to bed when tired instead of waiting up for him. I do not want to be nasty or malicious, just take it down a notch. I hope he will come to me. Not sure what to do if he doesn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

For me, accepting such invitations is inviting myself into a spider's web. After a while though the missus decided to turn from a web-spinner to a wolf spider and pounce on me.



> For the record... He knows I'd like it every day or every other day.


Men, especially spoiled men like myself, can have many reasons to turn down sex, if it's not done right it just becomes a chore. A bit of space and indifference and tease goes a LONG way.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> For me, accepting such invitations is inviting myself into a spider's web. After a while though the missus decided to turn from a web-spinner to a wolf spider and pounce on me.
> 
> 
> 
> Men, especially spoiled men like myself, can have many reasons to turn down sex, if it's not done right it just becomes a chore. A bit of space and indifference and tease goes a LONG way.


Thanks RandomDude. I'd hate to think he thought sex was a chore! He's very specific that it is the actual going to bed early he doesn't want to do rather than the sex. Ironically he'd rather wait until bed for it... Go figure!

It seems to be another thing in our "quality time" battle. It's my love language but not his. He's gone as far as being OK with us having two/three hours on a Sunday afternoon where we get a family sitter and go out together. For him that's enough for the week. I can actually feel myself welling up thinking about it. He knows it's important and I asked for just one or two nights a week of his time. He won't even meet me halfway for one night out of seven. That hurts a LOT.

He had an EA a few months ago. What I'm hearing by his disinterest is "your needs are not important to me. I don't have to do anything for you to stick around after what I did." That hurts.
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Thanks RandomDude. I'd hate to think he thought sex was a chore!


Sockpuppet actually made a very wise quote earlier on another thread: "Sometimes half the fun of sex is getting there, and if its a guaranteed thing... well thats half the fun gone." 



> He's very specific that it is the actual going to bed early he doesn't want to do rather than the sex. Ironically he'd rather wait until bed for it... Go figure!


Hmmm... well in that case it may be a different scenario.

Forgive me for asking, but how long does the sessions normally last? Because for me, another reason I dread sex with my wife is due to it being very time-consuming. Even quickies drag on with holding each other close, whispering soft words, and going at it again... and again, until it hurts or we get tired. 

And the missus is very demanding, even if my body is sore or tongue in a twist or ballsacs in pain she still wants to be pleasured with what is left of me that can still move, and uses the old "I do the same for you" argument.

Going to bed late, or waiting until she's asleep, is a habit of mine.



> It seems to be another thing in our "quality time" battle. It's my love language but not his. He's gone as far as being OK with us having two/three hours on a Sunday afternoon where we get a family sitter and go out together. For him that's enough for the week. I can actually feel myself welling up thinking about it. He knows it's important and I asked for just one or two nights a week of his time. He won't even meet me halfway for one night out of seven. That hurts a LOT.


Hmmm, seems like there's alot of guilt, seems he's lost hope in forgiving himself or having you forgive him. I have a feeling this plays a major part in this.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Well... Wow. I decided today to pull back. Drop the temp to cool. Be pleasant and easy to be around but not be affectionate like usual. Get on with stuff without asking him or inviting him. 

He had a mammoth lie in. I left him to it and spent the morning with the kids. Did lunch without him and didn't take up his usual cup of tea in bed. Had to grab some clothes before we made a trip to see some relatives. He asked where his tea was? "Still in the tea bag ;-) See you later!" I'd usually ask him along but didn't. He promptly got up as we were leaving, "I'd have come with you!"

Arrive back dinner time. He comes in and makes dinner for us. Invites me out for a drive. Asks if I want to pick up wine. Says he wants to watch a film with me. Is spontaneously affectionate, kissing and hugging me. Sits with me. Notices me getting tired and playfully stretches my legs out over his lap and starts chatting to keep me awake, feeding me snacks. This is, to be honest, unprecedented. He *never* acts like this. The
dynamic is usually completely reversed and it's like he's read a list of "things the W would LOVE him to do without her asking."

Is it *really* that easy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Thanks RandomDude. I'd hate to think he thought sex was a chore! He's very specific that it is the actual going to bed early he doesn't want to do rather than the sex. Ironically he'd rather wait until bed for it... Go figure![/i][/size]


So I take this to mean that he can go have sex with you and then go about doing other stuff before going to bed?

We never go to bed at the same time, he is always up an hour or two later than me. So I do not take offence after sex when he gets up and goes about the rest of the evening. A lot of times in situations that these the issue is the amount of time it takes to have sex.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Is it *really* that easy?


Yes, it's THAT easy


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## CtK (Nov 27, 2011)

Heh, definitely seems like he realized what he was missing. 

But I do understand his late night tendencies. I'm a night owl myself and even if I'm really tired from work, I'll often stay up for my various hobbies, tv, internet, etc. I've always enjoyed it as my alone time, which is really important to me - no phonecalls, no conversation, etc. The only problem is that my gf stays up late too, so that pretty much puts a damper on my alone time. If were in his shoes and being asked to go to bed earlier for some fun...I would definitely want the sex (God knows I need it ), but it can be hard to get back up and go about my nightly routine afterwards, and I am resistant to having anyone upset my routines.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

CtK said:


> Heh, definitely seems like he realized what he was missing.
> 
> But I do understand his late night tendencies. I'm a night owl myself and even if I'm really tired from work, I'll often stay up for my various hobbies, tv, internet, etc. I've always enjoyed it as my alone time, which is really important to me - no phonecalls, no conversation, etc. The only problem is that my gf stays up late too, so that pretty much puts a damper on my alone time. If were in his shoes and being asked to go to bed earlier for some fun...I would definitely want the sex (God knows I need it ), but it can be hard to get back up and go about my nightly routine afterwards, and I am resistant to having anyone upset my routines.


I understand. I veer between night owl and being the opposite. At the moment I need a lot of sleep and feel better for it, our littlest is very demanding at the moment and its taking it out of me. I respect he wants to stay up late. What hurts is he won't even consider it for just one or two nights a week. If I were demanding he came to bed with me every night then I could understand him being angry. But basically his wife is saying " I want to make passionate love to you two nights a week" and he's saying "I'd rather stay up late on my own thanks!" It's not right!

I continue to now go to bed when tired rather than waiting up or pressing the issue. I hope he will come round eventually when he realizes how ling we are now going between compared to our previous most-days frequency.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CtK (Nov 27, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I understand. I veer between night owl and being the opposite. At the moment I need a lot of sleep and feel better for it, our littlest is very demanding at the moment and its taking it out of me. I respect he wants to stay up late. What hurts is he won't even consider it for just one or two nights a week. If I were demanding he came to bed with me every night then I could understand him being angry. But basically his wife is saying " I want to make passionate love to you two nights a week" and he's saying "I'd rather stay up late on my own thanks!" It's not right!
> 
> I continue to now go to bed when tired rather than waiting up or pressing the issue. I hope he will come round eventually when he realizes how ling we are now going between compared to our previous most-days frequency.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, see that would be ideal to me. Alone time some nights, and my girl asking for sex a few nights a week.:smthumbup: I'm not a complete horndog, but a couple of nights a week would be excellent.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Sounds like pretty normal marriage stuff. Sex usually drops off after a while but the question is why? I don't know why your husband prefers TV over sex at 10pm but you need to ask him directly. My wife snores and tosses around and I'm a light sleeper so its pointless to go to bed with her on a typical night. However there have been times when my motivation to stay up without her was to have some alone time because I was not happy with our relationship. Make sure this is not the case.


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