# Rewriting history......



## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

When the WS rewrites the marriage history, is this how they truly feel? Or is this just what they say to make the affair okay in their mind? My H said some terrible things about me and our history together, just wondering if this could be how he truly feels and doesn't want to tell me because it will hurt me again. Do I believe what he told his AP about me or not? It's so hard to get over all the hateful things that were said.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I will give you a true story from what I had to deal with recently. I get my kids back Sundays at 6PM. My EX is now dating my neighbor. (Yes it's screwed up... counseling is involved) Anyway, I go to my sons soccer game... EX and BF/neighbor are there. Son comes up to me after the game and we talk. I tell him I will see him at 6. She takes all three of my boys over to my neighbors to watch football all day. At 5:50 she decides to make cookies with them and tells me they will be over when they are done. I had none of it. My middle one came over early. I told him get his brothers. At 6, they came over.

Fast forward.

My oldest told me on Xmas Eve, she was telling their grandma how I would not let them make cookies with her... From wat I understand she was crying...

I discussed it with them and said, Did she say she was at the neighbor's house? Did she mention she just had you for 5 days? Did she say you were over there for 4 hours and she was just drinking, watching football all day? Of course the answer is no, no, no, no...

It was a great opportunity to talk about lies of omission or how you tell the story by leaving out important little details changes the whole story.

Yes you might have done something, but I am sure your WS exaggerates whatever to make you look bad to bring you to his level. It is gaslighting or just purposefully distortions of the truth.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

The WS knows the truth. The rewrite is how they deal with it. It keeps them from feeling like the bad person they know deep down they are being. They will lie to themselves and try to believe it, but in the end they know the truth.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

It starts out as a lie which is done unconsciously to protect their own self image. It is a defense mechanism. Without it, they would look into the mirrow and see a lying cheat. It is the ultimate in rationalization techniques. Eventually, if they are deep enough into "the fog", they brainwash themselves into believing the re-write.


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

Well we are trying to reconcile, its thefact that i can't stop thinking about everything he said and if that is how he truly feels. 
size=1]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

woogy said:


> Well we are trying to reconcile, its thefact that i can't stop thinking about everything he said and if that is how he truly feels.
> size=1]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


Very unlikely to be honest. They lie to themselves first...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

My wife did the blame shift thing at first many of the things she said were in fact issues in our marriage but that does not justify the A.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

woogy said:


> When the WS rewrites the marriage history, is this how they truly feel? Or is this just what they say to make the affair okay in their mind? My H said some terrible things about me and our history together, just wondering if this could be how he truly feels and doesn't want to tell me because it will hurt me again. Do I believe what he told his AP about me or not? It's so hard to get over all the hateful things that were said.


It's just another way to blame-shift.

My ex had to rewrite history to save face. Even when he was cheating, he told women he was doing so because I had an affair and he just couldn't get over it. That was false. 

Before we started dating, I asked him if he ever cheated on someone and his answer was yes but only once and it was a revenge/exit affair because she cheated on him first. See the pattern? I do.

I know deep down he knows I never cheated. However telling others this and sullying my name garners sympathy from others - especially those that haven't been betrayed. 

My ex also rewrote history about other things and often did/does change the story on a dime depending on the circumstances. If it's favourable to him in the present moment to say A, he says A happened. When caught off guard and A doesn't make sense in the current argument then he says B happened. 

There was a time when we used to record our arguments for my counselor to listen to. He knew things were being recorded and it was immensely helpful to see the dynamics that he used when we were debating back and forth because most talks had me so confused and never resolved anything in the end. In one, one-hour conversation he said:

I wasn't initiating enough sex. Then later he said I was initiating too much sex. Then back to we weren't having enough sex. He changed his stance depending on which suited him best. It didn't matter if it was true or contradictory - just that he was right and "won" the argument.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

woogy said:


> When the WS rewrites the marriage history, is this how they truly feel? Or is this just what they say to make the affair okay in their mind? My H said some terrible things about me and our history together, just wondering if this could be how he truly feels and doesn't want to tell me because it will hurt me again. *Do I believe what he told his AP about me or not? It's so hard to get over all the hateful things that were said.*


Sometimes it's another animal. Some people love to sell sob stories to get attention. If you want your AP fall for you it's unlikely you will get it by telling how wonderful your BS is. Sometimes is the way they bond, the way they justify themselves they are not complete piece of sh1t while the talk to each other. Sometimes is just a facet more of the role playing aspect of affairs. They play the perpetual victims in need to rescued. The bashing the BS to the AP is not the same as rewritting. Not always.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

woogy said:


> When the WS rewrites the marriage history, *is this how they truly feel? Or is this just what they say to make the affair okay in their mind?* My H said some terrible things about me and our history together, just wondering if this could be how he truly feels and doesn't want to tell me because it will hurt me again. Do I believe what he told his AP about me or not? It's so hard to get over all the hateful things that were said.


It's both. They do truly feel this way but that's only because justification is not always a conscious choice. When we are looking for answers, the answers that prop us up in any less negative way are easier to grab on to.

Re-writting history and filtering input is not a marriage and fidelity issue. It's human nature.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I have done a lot of things as a WH, but re-writing history is not one of them. 

I own my sh!t


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

old timer said:


> I have done a lot of things as a WH, but re-writing history is not one of them.
> 
> I own my sh!t


Often the bigtime re-writting takes place leading up to EA/PA to justify why it's ok because spouse is not this or that or spouse does not do this or that. Did you re-write during when you were becoming WH? I'm just curious if you were thinking about the lead up to being WH as well as the aftermath?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Often the bigtime re-writting takes place leading up to EA/PA to justify why it's ok because spouse is not this or that or spouse does not do this or that. Did you re-write during when you were becoming WH? I'm just curious if you were thinking about the lead up to being WH as well as the aftermath?


I didn't rationalize it as being OK.
I knew it was wrong - but I did it anyway.
Try as I may, I can offer no reason other than plain selfishness.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife rewrote our marital history to such a great extent, that I wondered if we were both married to each other or different people. Alot of her complaints were about single isolated incidents that took on a life of their own (ie: we would have a fight that lasted 2 days, we resolve the issue and make up, yet that issue would be rewritten to be "months of me being an *******!"
I needed to prove to myself more than her that it wasn't nearly as bad as she suggested. I dug out every card she gave to me, showing how she wrote nice things to me throughout that "horrible year". I made a timeline of all of the romantic vacations, dinners, concerts we attended, birthday parties we celebrated, etc. It didn't change anything with her, but it made me feel better. Just knowing that partners do this (rewriting history), helps.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

old timer said:


> I didn't rationalize it as being OK.
> I knew it was wrong - but I did it anyway.
> Try as I may, I can offer no reason other than plain selfishness.


Thanks for answering that old timer and it makes a lot of sense. I think that's how I would see if afterwards as well.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

old timer said:


> I didn't rationalize it as being OK.
> I knew it was wrong - but I did it anyway.
> Try as I may, I can offer no reason other than plain selfishness.


AAHHH. Like a breath of fresh air. Honesty. Thank you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I read most of their communication. Heard alot too. I never once heard or read him bashing me. However, when asked why- part of his answer, in the begininning, was that he could talk to her about work and I didnt listen when he talked about work.:scratchhead: THAT was a re-write to be sure and he now admits that. BUT I think when he said it he'd convinced himself it was true. I never refused to listen to his work stories. He stopped giving them bc they ALL involved AP. EVERY SINGLE one. That is the truth. Its hard to tell a work story when your girlfriend(the one your wife doesnt know exists) is in all of them,right? UFB.


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