# Wife is going out for drinks tonight - Scared



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

So, last night during our very 'down' talk, she mentioned that she has to have drinks with her co-workers tonight. There was a lead up to this event. She's getting a few new co-workers that are hard to handle and her work friends feel bad for her. They decided to take her for a couple drinks after work to show their support. 6 months ago, I would've said "Have fun, say hello to everyone for me." But I was punching and kicking on the inside while I sat there and asked "Are you feeling well enough to go?" She says she feels she has to go since they've already set things up.

So, my worries...there is no party and this is a meeting with someone else. OR...she drinks a little too much, says a little too much and comes home with more to say about our relationship when she's in no state to talk. Another worry is that this is simply a lie so she can be alone after work.

In any case, I figured there's not much I can do. I could wait outside her work place and see if she actually leaves with friends or not. But I'm not going to. I'm feeling so tired...


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

if closure is what you need. hire a private investigator. then decide.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> So, my worries...there is no party and this is a meeting with someone else. OR...she drinks a little too much, says a little too much and comes home with more to say about our relationship when she's in no state to talk. Another worry is that this is simply a lie so she can be alone after work.


So....why don't you go along?

In any event...

You cannot control her. Your worrying can't do anything but cause you stress. In fact, that is ALL it does - creates problems for you. 

So...

1) This is an excuse to see the Other Guy.

Solution: drop by to see how things are going.

2) She drinks too much...

And gets a hangover.

3) She says too much...

So what? Do you really think that is going to make you a different person?

4) She comes home with more to say about your relationship when she is in no shape to talk...

In other words, when its the alcohol talking. Why pay attention? It's just syllables coming out of her head. Choose to pay no mind to what someone says when they are drunk. Choose to pay attention when she is not drunk. Simple solution, no reason to worry.

5) This is simply a lie so she can be alone after work...

If I lived with someone who spent every single second of every single day micro-managing my every movement, and analyzing me every sneeze, I'd want to spend time alone. Next time, give her the freedom to ask for time alone. Some people need some alone time to process their thoughts.

Advice: all your worrying is doing one thing only: compounding, adding to, and in all ways increasing the troubles in your marriage. When you learn to stop imagining things, and instead take precise, deliberate, rational steps designed with the betterment of your life in mind, you'll suddenly find that most of your troubles have evaporated.

There is a simple way to work on your marriage, and then there's the Freaking Out, Waiving Arms About Madly while Screaming and Drooling method (apparently your method...)

The simple method works. Yers fails. At some point, you HAVE to git holt of yourself. Otherwise, you will chase your wife away.


SEE THIS!!!


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

She doesn't see any of the emotions. She sees a confident person (I think) who is simply 'there' to listen and help when she needs it. I take care of my stuff, I don't mope around looking like a sad dog, but I do feel that way on the inside.

She promised, in tears, that no contact would be made. With the trust shattered, I was not in a position to fully accept this, but part of me did.

While I was getting myself breakfast in the morning she asked me how I was feeling and I said "I'm OK." with confidence. It's hot and humid so I'm not going to be 100 percent anyways. She looked at me and said "I'm sorry." I asked her why she apologized and she said "I feel bad." Again I asked "Why?" She answered "Because I made you feel bad."

Strange thing is...after she left I started to feel better. It's almost like her not being around makes me feel a bit better when she's in a bad mood. She has nothing to blame me for right now, everything is getting done that needs to be done (Chores, work etc) and my weight continues to drop.

Yes, I am stressing myself out. I can't help it. Her going for drinks in a small way is a chance for me to do something as well. A close friend of ours has expressed his concerns for me since I haven't been around much. He thinks it's all work related. I told him I would meet him later tonight and talk. He is someone who can keep a secret and give advice. It will be a bit of a stress reliever for me.

The more I see my wife, her face, the way she looks and speaks to me, it's as if the person that loved me once, smiled at me every chance she got, kissed me even if just on the cheek for coming home from work...that person is gone...or at least missing in action.

I want that person back but I don't know how long is long enough to wait. I wish women all followed the same pattern so I could get a ballpark number of weeks or months to when the person I married would show up again.

Anyways, if anything my posts here are also a stress reliever. I'm always grateful for the advice. I read the site articles. Very interesting. The only way, at this point, to know whether or not she's seeing the OM is to hire a PI, which I'm not going to do. Her PC/Mac are all open to me. Her phone is the only thing that isn't.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> The more I see my wife, her face, the way she looks and speaks to me, it's as if the person that loved me once, smiled at me every chance she got, kissed me even if just on the cheek for coming home from work...that person is gone...or at least missing in action.
> 
> I want that person back but I don't know how long is long enough to wait. I wish women all followed the same pattern so I could get a ballpark number of weeks or months to when the person I married would show up again.


It is not a function of waiting. You wait and she'll move on. You whine, beg, threaten, cajole, or fight and she move's on. You do not wait. Not in the case of your marriage. 

There are 7 steps you take to get your marriage back: which have you done, and which one are you on? 

Instead of waiting, you should be concentrating on you. What is your personality type? How does this 'type' react to stress? What are the weak points, and how do you improve on those? What are the strong points, and how can you use them to better your relationship?

What Love Busters have you consistently thrown toward your wife? What Love Extinguishers? How are some ways you can stop these?

If you concentrate on THESE areas, the payoff will be more than you expect.

Oh - before I forget - there's an alien that has possessed your lovely wife. You can get her back. Stay calm and stay the course.

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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I am on step 5 I think...I'm taking care of myself and allowing my wife to go through whatever emotions she needs to. However, on the inside I'm still trying to get inside her head. I haven't brought up anything big for a while. She has saying "All I do is hurt you." "When I'm home I get angry with my mother, then you feel bad because I know you are trying to make things better." She assumes I feel bad without asking. I don't say "Yes, I feel bad.". I just let her release whatever she has on her mind without judging.

Personality type is ESFP:

I will look more into the Love Busters and Extinguishers. I've done my best, as far as I know, to avoid conflict with my wife.

As I type this, she just sent me a quick emails saying that her co-workers have decided to keep on drinking since they have the day off tomorrow and now she feels she 'has' to stay until it's all over and done. This of course means I'm over thinking things again...


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

ESFP eh - couldn't tell by all your posts! LOL

Here's a great site for learning more about your type...

Also, a forum dedicated to ESFPs


If you are on step 5, this must mean that you have already confronted your wife and clearly, and precisely asked her to stop the affair(s). It also means that if she didn't that there are others who are aware of the infidelity.

With all of that taken care of, you are doing the right thing - working on making yourself the Greatest Husband the World has Ever Known. 

When you say 'taking care of yourself' what do you mean specifically? You tend to stress quite a lot - perhaps some relaxation exercises might be something to try out. 

When you write that you are allowing your wife to go through whatever emotions she needs to - what do you mean? Are you there for her, to be a listener? A shoulder to cry on? Someone to share her joy? 

Or have you simply backed off and are letting her experience them alone? 

I ask these questions because you have a very good chance of getting your marriage back (from what I glean from your posts) - and there are some very useful steps you can take to help with that.



> She has saying "All I do is hurt you." "When I'm home I get angry with my mother, then you feel bad because I know you are trying to make things better." She assumes I feel bad without asking. I don't say "Yes, I feel bad.". I just let her release whatever she has on her mind without judging.


Here's a question for you: what is your wife's personality type? Here's a site that gives general discussions of types - maybe you can find her there... 

The interaction you mention above (where she assumes things and tells you what you are feeling) is an indicator of a lot of past baggage. She mentioned it right after you caught her 'in the act'. Something that seems to be overlooked in a lot of situations is the fact that an affair rarely happens in a vacuum. Usually there are problems in the marriage before the affair seems to be the solution to the trouble. It may be that the Other Man did not come across as continually being hurt by her actions. 

In any event: why is it that these statements are such a common theme? ('I always hurt you,' etc...) Why not 'I am boring' or 'I always forget things...' - any other possible option here. It is my senile guess that she is alluding to a Love Buster that has caused a lot of damage - something you may want to consider looking into. 

Regardless: is she or is she not willing to work on your marriage? Are you? It's already been established (hasn't it?) that the affair ended when you caught them in the act. That has been some time now - and yet all I see happening is the two of you playing some kind of waiting game, in which you feel all bad and she feels all bad - and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS!

When are you two going to get serious and start some actual work? This spinning of tires will eventually lead to the marriage ending.

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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Because I caught them in the act, confrontation happened that very day. The OM looking to save his skin came forward with all the emails and interactions. There were some email that I didn't feel comfortable with (Her telling him 'I told my husband I need time and now he's acting out of character'). Other than that, it's his word (She said you were getting a divorce and it was already over) and her word (I never said that, I still want to be with you. I made a mistake so anything I say is just going to be an excuse. It shouldn't have happened.). As far as I know, no contact has been made. 

There are 2 people that she is aware of that know about the infidelity. Her best friend (How much she knows, I'm not sure) and a pastor friend, someone I went to for advice. 

Taking care of myself physically. I was unable to eat properly for about a week. I started getting in all my nutritional needs and adding some exercises to minimize muscle loss and maintain a good amount of fat loss (I'm going from powerlifting diet/routine to a 'slimming down' diet and routine). Mentally, on the outside, I do my best stay positive and focused. On the inside I'm still a mess and stressed the f##k out. However, yesterday I took the opportunity to let my best friend in on things and that made me feel a whole lot better. He's probably no the best person to go to for advice since he's automatically going to be on my side, but just speaking the words and letting go of some of the frustration helped.

When I say I am letting my wife go through her emotional needs I mean: When she is upset, I let her talk, listen and don't judge. If she asks for my opinion I try to be positive without condemning her way of thinking. Only on 1 occasion was I not a good listener and that was when she tried to compare the pay she inflicted on me to the pain I inflicted on her...she was grasping at small things, IMO to try and make sense of her actions. Instead of listening, I said 'that's enough for now. I have to leave.' and I left.

When she cries, I'm there for her. Her mother is constantly a source of stress and when they fight I'm there to try and get things on track. My wife will go into a negative thinking state and I'm there to try and keep her on track. I don't push but I don't prevent her from saying what's on her mind.

I hope there's a chance of saving our marriage. I just haven't seen much effort (Although she says she's constantly thinking and trying, even if I can't see it) Last night, while she was out with friends I met with my best friend for a chat. By the end of the evening my wife wrote me email "They want to keep drinking so I have to stay because this party is for me." My reaction was "What about your home life, your husband and what he must be feeling." But I kept that to myself and told her to be safe when coming home.

She has a lot of past baggage with ex boyfriends and husband. A lot of physical violence etc. As for us, there were problems but none that I would have suspected a reason for her to go outside our marriage. She has admitted that her actions were selfish, that if anyone were to have all the facts that she would be the 'bad guy' and I would be the 'good guy'. I told her 'What others think is less important to me than what you think. If our marriage means enough to you to keep fighting for then that's all that matters.'

As far as working on our marriage, I did say "I just need to know if I'm working on our marriage alone, or if you are going to be working on it with me." Her answer was "I just need time. When I fix myself then I can help." That's what she seems to be standing by.

It's only been a month and I may not be showing enough patients here. I'm trying to be, but it's hard when expect more remorse and you get so little.

My bestfriend said "In this country there seems to be a pattern. A woman has all these sexual desires for their boyfriend. Then they marry and it becomes somewhat sexless. Then they have an affair. Whether they are caught or not will determine the future. If they aren't caught, they either keep trying at their marriage or they leave when the kids are old enough to support themselves. They feel the need to be wanted." I replied with "I'm always showing her that I desire her. I don't always expect sex. Desire isn't an issue with me."

So...I'm still confused.

The more time passes the more I think that my wife is planning an exit strategy. My friend says 'If you really think so, leave now. Save yourself the trouble.' He admits that he doesn't understand some of what my wife is saying/doing but thinks I should, in the end, be patient and see what happens.


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## proximity1 (Jun 30, 2010)

*Scared*

deeply affected or marked by mental or physical pain or injury; "Could her scarred mind ever be free of fear?"; "a face scarred by anxiety"; "the fire left her arm badly scarred"

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 office chair |  office chairs


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

*Re: Scared*

The first 3 years of our relationship didn't seem affected by her past. She was actually very happy (She admits to it) and she was looking forward to a new life.

I don't know now if that is 100 percent true anymore.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> The first 3 years of our relationship didn't seem affected by her past. She was actually very happy (She admits to it) and she was looking forward to a new life.


People tend to view all of life based upon their past, so this isn't surprising. The things you learn in the past can either be detrimental or useful, depending on what you gleaned from your experiences. Most people pick up some good traits and some bad ones over their lives, due to the things they experience (in fact, I'd say ALL people do.) 

The problems arise when you start viewing situations in the present as though they were identical to the past - and the react based upon whatever thought processes you learned in the past. It takes some work to get past that - to unlearn your errant concepts and replace them with better ones. 

Regardless, things happened in your marriage that created the situation in which you find yourself. Things like this don't happen overnight. It takes time. And, the actions that extinguish love tend to be minimal - like a dripping faucet. The emotional ties between you and your wife are comparable to a campfire - when you add things that build up the flames, your marriage thrives. But when you start throwing water on the fire, it can go out. Usually, things that extinguish love happen gradually - picture a bucket of water with a small hole leaking water on the fire. 



> As far as working on our marriage, I did say "I just need to know if I'm working on our marriage alone, or if you are going to be working on it with me." Her answer was "I just need time. When I fix myself then I can help." That's what she seems to be standing by.


This is not working on your marriage! This is SAYING you are working on your marriage. What specific steps are you taking to work on it? 

When your wife says 'I need to fix myself' - what does she mean? 

I would be very careful to point out to her (in a loving manner) that you are working on yourself as well, but the marriage is an entity that consists of BOTH of you, and it is hurt right now and needs work too. Much of why she found herself in the arms of another man is based on the fact that she found trouble at home and was trying to find a way to get past it. The wrong way, but still _a_ way.

And then BOTH of you need to work on it together. Instead of demanding that she do work on the marriage, ask for her HELP in fixing it.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

The ways in which I think I have fixed parts of our marriage:
I've taken on far more responsibilities around the apartment (I was selfish here and simply left most of it up to my wife. I work 7 days a week with no day-off unless I choose to have one. But work is flexible enough that I can come home for a few hours and leave again). Now, when I see something that needs cleaning, I clean it. Laundry always done. I make sure that when I have the time, I use it to take care of us before I start doing something like one of my hobbies.

Diet: My training routine and diet had an impact on my wife. She says that me being bigger was never an issue it was my health. I am healthy but I suppose there are other issues as well. I know she wants to buy me clothes but that it's very hard with my size. I've decided that I've gotten the most out of powerlifting and it was NOT worth the sacrifice to our marriage. I'm now leaning out. This also means a change in food which matches more what my wife eats on a daily basis so we enjoy at least breakfast and dinner together.

The part that I feel like I'm doing 'alone' is: Looking for an apartment. I want out of here and my wife SAYS she wants out of here too. However, I'm the only one that's gone to the real-estate agencies and actually looked at places. Is this to keep me busy while she tries to figure something out? I don't know...I certainly do think about it when I get into over-thinking.

Pregnancy: She says that she wants to continue to be married. She also says she wants a family (Although this has been tossed and turned during a few arguments we've had since d-day) I believe she is scared in becoming a mother but I do believe she wants to be one. I could be wrong. Every time in the past when we had a conversation about children there was always talk about names, who would be good at what, who would take care of 'this' and 'that'. Very happy, smiling, laughing 'can't wait to get these kids out into the world' talk. Even yesterday she said "These new multi-vitamines I bought are organic, so even if I'm pregnant I can take them." BUT if I bring up kids, not as a major talk, just minor, I can see in her face that she 'still needs time' and I back-off. Since her cycle was over, I decided not to mention anything until, at the earliest, next month. She's 40 and soon going to be 41. I am taking weekly injections for fertility. Time is not on our side.

Working on regaining my trust seems to be something she's forgotten, or at least that's how it feels. I expected a little more remorse but because there was a lack of it, it got me to thinking I should try to understand the mind set of a cheating wife, the emotions they go through once caught, to better understand what I'm up against.

At the beginning of all this, before d-day, we had a fight about a house rule she broke. While nothing major, it had me worried and she didn't seem to care. This made things worse and the fight happened. Later that day, in a calmer setting, she apologized and admitted she was wrong. BUT she said she 'needed time'. Time for what? She says 'time to fix myself'. She says that the best way she could explain it was "If you are sitting at your desk and it's messy but you know where everything is, you feel fine. Then I sit at it, don't know where anything is so I get all frustrated not knowing what to do. I need to organize that. I just need time."

This was a shock to me, she put everything on hold. Kids, family, us. She insisted that everything we had was 'safe'...but then d-day came. I told her in a fit of anger (1 of many emotions that day) that 'time was up'. She agreed. Slowly over the first week, however, she got back into the mind-set of 'I need time'. I figured 'be patient' so that's what I'm trying to do.

She sees that I am working on myself. She has noticed the very quick loss in body mass, the diet change, the routine I have has allowed me to sleep better, waking up earlier, going to sleep earlier. Cleaning makes life for her at home less stressful. I'm sure she sees it, she says she does.

As for our marriage, I did mention to her that WE need to work on this because it's still in a very fragile state. The best way I can translate her answer to this is "I need to fix myself and then I can work on the marriage." She also insists "Maybe you can't see it or don't feel it, but I am trying my best." She's right, I don't see it and I can't feel it.

We talk everyday now. When she comes home I make sure that I put down whatever I'm doing, join her in the kitchen and start to talk, even if it's about little stuff that has nothing to do with our marriage. Sometimes it feels natural, sometimes it feels forced. I don't like it when it feels forced. I used to be very 'funny' with our conversations but I'm not comfortable just yet acting that way. I used to make her laugh with these funny talks...but now I make her laugh in a different way, which feels to me...forced (By me). I guess that takes time.

My friend told me the other day that in his opinion, in this country there seems to be a common pattern. Girl becomes woman and desires a man. She is desired. Woman wants to get married. Man marries woman. Woman becomes a house wife and in some cases has kids. The marriage becomes somewhat sexless. The wife has free time and starts a fling on the side to feel like a woman again.

He says that it doesn't paint a good picture and that not all women follow this patter and that men are also to blame. He says that it's like a woman needs a 'next step' in her life. From girl to women, women to wife, wife to mother....and there we have no next step. My wife and I are stuck on a step, I can see the next step but she is stuck. My friend said that I should just move and she would have no choice but to follow (Financially she couldn't afford this place and she would lack the money and time to help care for her mother) I thought this would just 'push' her and seem too aggressive. He explained it as "When a kid does something wrong, you get angry. The anger is not because you hate them but because you love them and want them to learn what they did was wrong and put them on the right path. Your wife probably knows she's wrong but hasn't been put on the right path."

Anyways, right now I'm doing my best to get the weight off without losing too much muscle. I've taken on far more responsibilities around the house. I am more talkative and pay much more attention to my wife and listen to her feelings, whether up or down. Listen to her advice, even if I don't entirely agree with it, I still listen.

Mentally, I'm still messed up. I try not to show it, but I am. Little things bug me. Yesterday she was talking about how she had to go to bed early because she has an early shift today. I tried to stay up with her and talk but at 12am couldn't stay awake. As soon as I went to bed she was on Facebook until about 2am. She also insisted I get in touch with one of my other friends...she wants me out and about. I have been more lately, but I'm not feeling entirely social. Not a month out from d-day


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your friend is full of it. Sorry, but that's ridiculous. I can cite a lot more stories of men who cheat because they aren't getting enough. Why do you think 'walkaway wife' came about? Because more women typically just accept their marriage and suffer and raise the kids, and THEN leave.

I don't see where she gave you the passwords to her accounts. Did she?

What have you done to change how you deal with the marriage? I see housekeeping, but that's not marriage.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

turnera said:


> Your friend is full of it. Sorry, but that's ridiculous. I can cite a lot more stories of men who cheat because they aren't getting enough. Why do you think 'walkaway wife' came about? Because more women typically just accept their marriage and suffer and raise the kids, and THEN leave.
> 
> I don't see where she gave you the passwords to her accounts. Did she?
> 
> What have you done to change how you deal with the marriage? I see housekeeping, but that's not marriage.


Her computer has all accounts logged in all the time.

As far as marriage goes, I do my best to have conversations with her, listen to her complain about work mostly (At the beginning of the conversation)

It's mostly in the way I act around her, the way I talk with her. I don't force my opinion on her but rather listen to what she says and then offer her a different choice but don't force it. When she starts getting negative or wants to complain about something, I listen and don't disagree (If that's how she feels in the moment, that's how she feels). While house cleaning itself isn't marriage, it creates a more comfortable environment for her to come home to. She doesn't need to worry if the laundry is done or if the dishes are clean. She knows she will walk into a clean apartment. The only 'stress activator' is her mother, which I do my best to keep things under control.

In the mornings I try to cuddle, although this morning she was a bit put off because of the heat and humidity. We talked some more this morning but she has a stomach act and is feeling under the weather due to the rain.

Mornings are generally not good times to start talking, unless we have the day off. Eventually she'll have to get ready for work and that takes her a long time. When she gets home she's usually exhausted, as am I, so conversation and a little affection is what I can do...

Like I said, I want to bring in some fun and games to get the laughs going. We do laugh during our talks, but diversity would be nice. I'm a bit stuck here. I work, make time to come home and take care of MIL, go back to work, do the shopping, clean, have a little time for myself (Which is when I get on here), my wife comes home and we're both tired. 

Tomorrow we might have some time together. I have to photograph a wedding in the morning but I have a 5 hour break between that and the dinner and my wife is coming to the dinner. Not sure what to do with those 5 hours that would help us...something she won't shoot down or say "You're bringing this up NOW before we have to go out?" Maybe when we come home...I don't know.


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