# How do you determine the marriage is over?



## preso (May 1, 2009)

I'm not sure if mine is and was wondering what criteria I should use to determine if it's time to start planning a divorce and solo life.
I do not know what we have to base a marriage on.... as I do not feel much of anything anymore ( besides disappointment and feeling very lonley).
Not sure if things in my situation ( mostly with his working too much and abusive adult daughter) will improve but I can say I feel they will only get worse.
My husband does not communicate with me and goes into defensive mode when I try to talk to him.
He works mostly 7 days a week ( his choice and I have no say about it) and the time he does have off he spends online. We do nothing together and I'm feeling more like a maid and slave than a wife.
so... does this mean it's over?
He is uncompromising in his ideals and tells me to "suck it up" when I am sad.
He works 11-7 shift.. I am sleeping. He comes home, eats and watches an hour of tv, says his wind down time.
He sleeps until 7pm-8pm and gets up.,....more tv, his pep up time until he goes online and then goes to work.
He does this 7 days a week mostly. I am always alone or he is not wanting me to disturb him... so I alone 24/7 in this marriage. Not sure why we are even married. It is like being with a difficult room mate who must have silence and undisturbed time to himself. I can't even go into my own bedroom because he's always sleeping in it. When he is online, he runs and moderates a website. 
If I disturb him while he is on it, he says I mess up his train of thought. so I sit silently nearby... waiting I guess for him to talk to me. When he finally gets a minute, he is bossy and brief, mostly tells me what he wants ( pick up milk etc)
and the few days he does take off, he spends his free time with his kids by his previous marriage. Since his daughter will not accept me and is verbally abusive, I can't go. He says he is working on her but its been years and she is only worse ( she screams at me and calls me names) yet he keeps seeing her despite that and the fact she is almost 19....
so I dont even know why I'm married.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Only you can do that and you will know when. Sounds as though you are close to that decision. I should have filed much sooner myself. However, I now see I had to go to many months of counseling to get strong enough to make the move. In addition, I had to know that I had made every attempt to reconcile the marriage (even though I was the only one even attempting). As I look forward, I now have a clean conscience and feel at peace with my decision. You will know in your heart when it is time.

May God bless you! I know how hard it is.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I'm not sure what happened, he wasn't this way BEFORE we married. 
He has changed and he is not kind or patient or understanding... qulaities I was sure he had BEFORE I married him.
Now he just focuses on self and work...claiming to be a good hard working husband who does not cheat and is not abusive...

yeah easy to be non abusive when your never at home and awake
and cheating...
to be honest I don't care because he grosses me out with these allergy and sinus problems he will not seek medical treatment for.
He sprays the house with sneezing and coughing, hacking all the time... like a giant snot bucket of phlem. ugh.
so...
there isn't anything to work with.
I don't know how I could not have seen this before with the personality issues and being someone to refuse medical care.
My only saving grace is being able to shift my thoughts that is is indeed in heart attack years.
I feel I would be a much happier widow than wife... sad to say but its true.
I am older ( 50) and have friends in similair situation. They stayed and became cooks.... grease, bacon, eggs...
love him to death they say..., help him to be a happy man.
as they pointed out with thier husbands, who were too, like mine, in heart attack years..

plus mine smokes.

add to this he works 24/7... how long can he last like this?



is this what it comes to ?????????
becoming a good wife.... waiting it out only to become a actually happy widow?
I do not know of any widows who have husbands like mine with good jobs and insurance......... to remarry.
Once is enough I guess.


ughhhhhhhhhhhhh I feel sick.
I am now in the situation I heard of in my 30's but did not understand....
women I knew in their 50's and 60's married to such men.
Well its all clear now...
so do I wait it out or go? after all , with his lifestyle, how long can he last anyway?
Makes no difference how I feel about it or what I do... he tells me to "suck it up" ( be tougher)

life sure can throw surprises at you. I have considered going on prozac awhile....
and just letting him drive himself to his end... as he is sure heading that way... the prozac would help me keep the edge or raw nerves away... 
so...
I am am considering my options.
and staying in the marriage is one of them.. if only I knew if the meds would help me... so I can cope with this very difficult man....
and of course I will have to cook him all his favorite meals, bacon eggs, toast with gobs of butter, steak and meat ( he loves deep fried)... and of course pizza, lots of pizza.
all the food he loves to eat, he says cholestrol and all that is just science myth...
okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk I tell him OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK 

is this what it boils down to ?
I have known some very intelligent women who took that GOOD WIFE route. They are happy widows now.
pensions, social security spousal benefits, all the life insurance....
I can see now what I did not once understand


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That's sad. But I do understand where you are coming from. I hate to tell you this; but as miserable as you are, he could out live you! The stress is going to take a tole on you.

Depending on which state you are in, you could divorce and still have a lot of those things. Those things go a long ways in my state on a marriage lasting 20+ years (where the wife has no income). Check with a lawyer.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I agree that I am miserable. I am beyond disgusted and fed up to where I am miserable.
Was hoping to get some prozac type medicine, will look into it next week.
I am quite fed up with him. Beyond hurt.... I'm so fed up, I'm only eager to straighten things out for him by letting him know he is not going to run over me and destroy me.
Knowing how little he cares about my feelings makes it easier for me to detach... and get some pleasure from making him squirm. Hopefully he'll run off, which will help me very much in the divorce of he abandons me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

When you have gotten to the place in your marriage where the prospect of being alone, possibly for the rest of your life, is preferable to staying in your relationship, it's over.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

So what you are saying is he annoys you and is disgusting, he works too much and you wish he was dead? I would walk out the ****ing door if my wife thought that of me. Can't you try and get him to look for another job and get in to the doctor? We are all free to discuss our thoughts here, and here's mine...this is sick and morbid in my opinion. I hope he makes his own coffee.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

And he's cheating...go to counseling don't feed him into the grave.


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Go to counseling before getting anti-depressants. You've got issues to resolve. Anti-depressants do not resolve issues for you!


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## 14 YEARS OF LOVE (May 1, 2009)

If u don't care if he's dead or alive,then leave. Why should u get the benefits of being a widow? Your complaing about him working 24/7,but u sure are ready for the checks to start coming in! With thoughts like that,u should be in a mental place!!!!!!!!


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

Leave her alone! Does this man not sound simply horrid to you all? When you are not getting love and affection that you need, eventually you loose feelings for that person and that is simply where she is. She is not planning his assassination or wishing him dead, she is just voicing her feelings. And they are that...HER feelings. She does not feel the way that she once did for him and she is trying to decide what to do about that. She needs understanding and compassion. She is the one on here seeking help and advice and understanding, not him. I can totally see this guy...sitting in his recliner, leaning his head around her when she walks in to say hi...laying in the bed on the computer with this stupid look on his face not even acting as if she exists. This would drive me crazy and I am only 27 yrs old, married 5 yrs...so I can't imagine being treated this way by someone much older and supposed to be much more mature. 
And working and supporting her is his JOB...all she owes him for that is to do her job, which sounds to me like she is doing. He is neglecting her emotionally and many other ways. Pretty much EVERY way besides financially and if he does not provide her with allowance he is abusing her in that area no matter how much money he brings home or how well he provides for her. 
Also, allowing his bratty 19 yr old daughter to mistreat her is plain wrong and should NOT be tollerated at all. It is marriage before children and he needs a wake up call. I would be prone to kick him in the a** if I even knew where to find him on a Sunday evening. Hang in there honey, I feel for you...although I do agree the choice to stay or go is yours and should be made quickly. If you decide to stay you do need to put your ALL into your marriage, set up reasonable boundaries and comunicate with him. Write him a letter or send him an email if he claims to be to busy for you. Make him listen to you. He is not being to husband you need or deserve and that is NOT fair.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Umm what? she said she wants to feed him to the point of a heart attack. Are you this crazy too?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree that the OP should get out now. I have waited too long already, and now I'm in the middle of an EA, which for years I was so afraid would happen, and so of course, it has--a self-fulfilling prophecy. But, it is giving me the courage to do what I wouldn't do before: seek my own happiness. I knew I was not in love with my husband for years, and that I was very vulnerable to the emotional attachment someone else might offer. I should have gotten out before this point, b/c now it's more complicated. I made the decision to leave but didn't follow through, and the EA blossomed as I was trying to take action and letting my husband guilt-trip me into more delays. Bad decision on my part. Don't repeat my mistake.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Lets get this straight.. HE IS THE ONE who wants to eat pizza, fried chicken and every bad food under the sun. I am just tired of fighting with him about it.
Far as I'm concerned............... he can now eat what the hell he wants. I am no longer going to cook or try to fix balanced meals. If he wants to eat like a out of control teenager, then go ahead.

I am tired of fighting with him and tired of throwing away food because he doesn't like it.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

14 YEARS OF LOVE said:


> If u don't care if he's dead or alive,then leave. Why should u get the benefits of being a widow? Your complaing about him working 24/7,but u sure are ready for the checks to start coming in! With thoughts like that,u should be in a mental place!!!!!!!!


why would any woman get the benefits of being a widow? because they married someone who died and it is not a matter of if they deserve it....
its only a matter of a spouse dying AND having benefits to give and leave the other.

YOU and others are not addressing my posts and only reading into them what YOU want to.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

jaclynnbaker said:


> Leave her alone! Does this man not sound simply horrid to you all? When you are not getting love and affection that you need, eventually you loose feelings for that person and that is simply where she is. She is not planning his assassination or wishing him dead, she is just voicing her feelings. And they are that...HER feelings. She does not feel the way that she once did for him and she is trying to decide what to do about that. She needs understanding and compassion. She is the one on here seeking help and advice and understanding, not him. I can totally see this guy...sitting in his recliner, leaning his head around her when she walks in to say hi...laying in the bed on the computer with this stupid look on his face not even acting as if she exists. This would drive me crazy and I am only 27 yrs old, married 5 yrs...so I can't imagine being treated this way by someone much older and supposed to be much more mature.
> And working and supporting her is his JOB...all she owes him for that is to do her job, which sounds to me like she is doing. He is neglecting her emotionally and many other ways. Pretty much EVERY way besides financially and if he does not provide her with allowance he is abusing her in that area no matter how much money he brings home or how well he provides for her.
> Also, allowing his bratty 19 yr old daughter to mistreat her is plain wrong and should NOT be tollerated at all. It is marriage before children and he needs a wake up call. I would be prone to kick him in the a** if I even knew where to find him on a Sunday evening. Hang in there honey, I feel for you...although I do agree the choice to stay or go is yours and should be made quickly. If you decide to stay you do need to put your ALL into your marriage, set up reasonable boundaries and comunicate with him. Write him a letter or send him an email if he claims to be to busy for you. Make him listen to you. He is not being to husband you need or deserve and that is NOT fair.


yeah that stupid daughter of his.. I've had it with her.
He has to put her in her place or I'm out of here ( the marriage). She is an adult and its time for her to grow up and get on with her own life, leave us alone in outr marriage.. and if she can't be respectful to me as you would any other relative... then stay away.
I already told Husband, she can't come over anymore because of her attitude and sense of entitlement. This is MY HOME, oner that I had long before I met husband... and it's paid off, it was long before I met husband. 
It is not community property in my state. If his daughter can't act civil when here, she is not allowed here. It's my home.
I talked to him about it and he said he understood as her bevaior is SEVERE and abusive to me, she acts like a 3 year old having a fit when she is here.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

martino said:


> And he's cheating...go to counseling don't feed him into the grave.


who said he's cheating? he's not cheating.. he works too much to cheat.
You have not read or understood my posts.

We are older people, we do not base life upon sex or getting laid.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Deejo said:


> When you have gotten to the place in your marriage where the prospect of being alone, possibly for the rest of your life, is preferable to staying in your relationship, it's over.



He askes me to be patient as he is going to be able to take retirment in a few years and wants me to bear with this, as its padding his pension to work like this and we will have a good retirment.
sigh.........

I don't know if I can take it for a few more years. He works 24/7 and I never see him but briefly.
That is why I thought getting some prozac type medicine would maybe help... to numb me for a few years.
When I wake up, we are retired and I have a husband.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

martino said:


> So what you are saying is he annoys you and is disgusting, he works too much and you wish he was dead? I would walk out the ****ing door if my wife thought that of me. Can't you try and get him to look for another job and get in to the doctor? We are all free to discuss our thoughts here, and here's mine...this is sick and morbid in my opinion. I hope he makes his own coffee.



no he cant get another job at this point, he is too close to retirment and a full pension. also the fact he makes very good money as he has been at his job almost 30 years and no new job would pay him what he makes now.
I guess if I was one of those people who liked to shop, I could be very happy.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

preso said:


> and get some pleasure from making him squirm.


How exactly to you manage to make him squirm?

I have other questions too, but I just have to know the answer to that one first.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

You said he cheats didn't you? now you've edited your original post. Hope I don't see you on "American Justice"...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> How exactly to you manage to make him squirm?
> 
> I have other questions too, but I just have to know the answer to that one first.


I didn't come here to be questioned and I did post this in the ladies forum... for a good reason.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

martino said:


> You said he cheats didn't you? now you've edited your original post. Hope I don't see you on "American Justice"...


nope never said he cheated or even implied it... he worksd far too much to have energy for a woman on the side. He works 72-82 hours a week. He said he needs to pad his pension now while he can in the last years, so he will not need to return to work.
I feel it is killing him and us but he isn't listening to me.

Like I said your reading what you want to read, even if you have to insert your own ideas.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Ladies don't confess desire to give their husbands heart attacks with unhealthy foods. Sorry, there is no nuttie forum here. Check your local women's prison.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

martino said:


> Ladies don't confess desire to give their husbands heart attacks with unhealthy foods. Sorry, there is no nuttie forum here. Check your local women's prison.


HE IS THE ONE WHO WANTS TO EAT THE CRAP !!!
Maybe you have just never known anyone in this situation and I am in fact more sane and stable than 99.99999 % of woman you know.

It's his idea to eat junk food and I am not going to argue with him anymore about it.
I asked him last night what if he dies right before he retires due to this working and his bad food diet and he told me I should carry on with retirement plans and I'll have lotsa money to do so.
I told him I wasn't going to cook anymore since he never eats it otr any veggies or fruit and since he's never home I was going to start padding my social calender.
As I can't shop ( having to declutter, not accumulate things for retirement) I can find lots of things to do besides never see him and he said to do it.
So thats what I'm going to do... let him eat his grease. I don't think I can cook it for him, it makes me puke to think fo fried chicken, steak and MEAT MEAT MEAT.
ugh
I do not know if I can bear this lifestyle for a FEW more years and also the problem with his adult daughter remains as she somehow thinks he owes her something?
She should wake up and realize she is an adult and if she needs a helping hand, time to start looking at the end of her own arm.

Older women I have known and know, who have been through this tell me....
they went through this and many ended up being happy widows.
Guess thats where I'm heading...
and I will never marry again either.... as this is BS.


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

HE is the one who wants to eat the crap...she is just finally tired of playing mommy and keeping him from it. Yes, if you had small children at home, or liked to go out shopping and blowing his money like MOST women, you would be very happy. Unfortunately you are not like that...me either. I want my hubby not his money. It is very sad and I do so much feel for you and TOTALLY understand you and validate every feeling and thought you have. I am young granted, but am here for you through all of this. 
I would love to see you kindly stand up to him about his daughter, suck it up (in a sense) about being loney...just for a while...find a hobby, maybe a dog, babysit some friends grandbabies (if you lived in arkansas I could loan you 3 little girls, lol)...find something to do for you. Yes, go get on Celexa would be a better choice. Prozac is overated, over prescribed and not really right for your situation I don't think. But, if you found yourself things to do aside from waiting for him to validate you then I think you could find some happiness. If you found some happiness that would bring back some respect for him. You have the right to demand him to deal with his daughter however because that is just unacceptable. I wish you all of the luck in the world and really think if you could focus on you and what you can do for yourself and what you can do to perfect yourself as a wife and woman, then it would bring about change in him. I am certain. He is prime age to respond to a women who practices these ideas. Read Facinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin www.facinatingwomanhood.net I believe is the site. It will explain what you can do to bring about wonderful love from him. Good luck...I will continue to pray for you. Hang in there and ignore these fools. They do not understand you and just want to harm you more. You have been through enough with this man...don't let ones on here break you down more. God bless.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

jaclynnbaker said:


> HE is the one who wants to eat the crap...she is just finally tired of playing mommy and keeping him from it. Yes, if you had small children at home, or liked to go out shopping and blowing his money like MOST women, you would be very happy. Unfortunately you are not like that...me either. I want my hubby not his money. It is very sad and I do so much feel for you and TOTALLY understand you and validate every feeling and thought you have. I am young granted, but am here for you through all of this.
> I would love to see you kindly stand up to him about his daughter, suck it up (in a sense) about being loney...just for a while...find a hobby, maybe a dog, babysit some friends grandbabies (if you lived in arkansas I could loan you 3 little girls, lol)...find something to do for you. Yes, go get on Celexa would be a better choice. Prozac is overated, over prescribed and not really right for your situation I don't think. But, if you found yourself things to do aside from waiting for him to validate you then I think you could find some happiness. If you found some happiness that would bring back some respect for him. You have the right to demand him to deal with his daughter however because that is just unacceptable. I wish you all of the luck in the world and really think if you could focus on you and what you can do for yourself and what you can do to perfect yourself as a wife and woman, then it would bring about change in him. I am certain. He is prime age to respond to a women who practices these ideas. Read Facinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin www.facinatingwomanhood.net I believe is the site. It will explain what you can do to bring about wonderful love from him. Good luck...I will continue to pray for you. Hang in there and ignore these fools. They do not understand you and just want to harm you more. You have been through enough with this man...don't let ones on here break you down more. God bless.



Thank you. I have been very upset.
I'm doing better than a few days ago because I talked to husband and told him he was going to make me a rich widow but that was not why I married...
so
he is not going to change his routine and I will have to find other things to do....
he is like a ghost husband mostly and I just can't beleive what he is trying to do ( work all those hours, and he does this like 40-60 days in a row ).
If I have to retire by myself I sure won't like it.

ps, he already got me a puppy. damn thing is ill manned and stinks.
Today puppy ate his eggs and sausage ( widow maker) breakfast on him when he went into the kitchen to get something.
haha
I say........... that will teach him a puppy is not the answer


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

"Your honor, Exhibit A"

My only saving grace is being able to shift my thoughts that is is indeed in heart attack years.
I feel I would be a much happier widow than wife... sad to say but its true.
I am older ( 50) and have friends in similair situation. They stayed and became cooks.... grease, bacon, eggs...
love him to death they say..., help him to be a happy man.
as they pointed out with thier husbands, who were too, like mine, in heart attack years..

plus mine smokes.

add to this he works 24/7... how long can he last like this?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

martino said:


> "Your honor, Exhibit A"
> 
> My only saving grace is being able to shift my thoughts that is is indeed in heart attack years.
> I feel I would be a much happier widow than wife... sad to say but its true.
> ...


I will not cook that crap... it makes me sick to even smell it.
I am a vegan mostly and in perfect health.
I can't even stand the smell of all that animal grease.. and I will in no way cook it, no matter what.
This is all he eats... eggs, bacon, sausage, meat, fried chicken, pizza and MORE MEAT ! and white bread... and at least 2 liters of soda pop a day !! it is discusting !!!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

jacklyn here is what I plan to do, going to look for women in the area who are also in my situation with workaholic husbands, maybe I'll get lucky there and find a few who are down to earth...
and start doing more things to get out and meet people. I need to keep busy and sustract myself I guess.
and I am going to look into the prozac type meds so I will not get so upset... I hear they numb you and I need some numbing.
Since I dont drink, it could be something good for me to try these meds.
Husband is his own man he says.. doing it his way.
He ticks me off so freaking bad sometimes.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Today in another convo with H, he said everything will work out.. all I need to do is Relax.

He told me to find things to do to keep busy and my mind off the fact he is never home. He said he is putting away 1,000 a week for our new home after we retire and if he pads his pension NOW, he won't have to get a part time job after he takes retirement.

I told him I was going to buy a man dummy to sit next to me on the couch and he said to find one and he would pay for it.
UGHHHH !
He said he will not stop his plan. The problem is he did not tell me this was his plan when we married and we have not been married but a few years.

he is greedy. I think so.
Relax. pfffft, I'll show him relax, going to find some women like me and start to take vacations without him. 
I did not marry to be like this and live like this and he is forcing me to do things I did not intend to do.


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

preso,

I take "happy" pills, my mother and aunt also take them. We call them, "don't kill ________(insert spouse's first name)" pills. LOL :rofl:

I know for me that they lengthen my otherwise short fuse. Pls be sure to let us know if do get a Rx for some....put some of these folks at ease that you are trying to bury your husband. 

There have to be some sort of social gatherings,clubs something in your area. I encourage you to do that. He is so disengaged...use his money to travel, go somewhere you've never been (Las Vegas is great for shows, gambling, etc...) or see a family member or friends that you have been out of touch with.(There are other ways to spend his money besides shopping). Surf the net while he is online. See what you find.

Once he retires, you can travel together & you will have a head start on him.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

picabu said:


> preso,
> 
> I take "happy" pills, my mother and aunt also take them. We call them, "don't kill ________(insert spouse's first name)" pills. LOL :rofl:
> 
> ...



What is it you take ? I badly need some !
real bad........... never took any meds so I dont know which ones are the "don't kill him" ones.


yes I am looking into community things to get into... 
and he says once he retires he is going to give me the "global tour" and will be with me on a vacation the rest of our lives ... but I dont know if he'll make it with all the crap he eats and hours he works
or if I'll lose my mind 
or what the rest of our lives may be... could be a few weeks
and then over.
yes he is willing to give me money to ignore him
and "suck it up".... that just makes me soooooooooooooooooo mad.
UGH !


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

I have taken zoloft & effexor. I work in an Internal medicine office with 5 docs & they all seem to like Lexapro. I started out with wellbutrin, but it gave me dizzy spells. My mom takes Paxil.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

picabu said:


> I have taken zoloft & effexor. I work in an Internal medicine office with 5 docs & they all seem to like Lexapro. I started out with wellbutrin, but it gave me dizzy spells. My mom takes Paxil.



ok and thank you very much. I will be needing that info 
It may be exactly what I need to cope with my life rigth now.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Pills often time are the lazy person's way out. Find a cognitive behavior therapist if you actually want to face your issues and not just hover above them.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

martino said:


> Pills often time are the lazy person's way out. Find a cognitive behavior therapist if you actually want to face your issues and not just hover above them.



you are mistaken if you think that....
as I am hardly lazy. 

and as far as therpaists go... I would actually rather spend my time doing something fun than that crap. My issues are my husband chooses to pad his pension and I have to wait a handful of years. We will be able to retire at 55 with a full pension, full medical and be able to move to ourt dream home at that time and pay for it cash ( he is socking away 1,000 a week for it or about 50K a year for the house)
If I can tolerate this workaholic business... and I'm trying. I did not know he was going to do this and make these choices.
so often times doesn't apply here. I am hardly lazy.
My issues are my husbands choices.

BTW I made him go to his bank with me and put me on his bank account as a co-owner in case he drops dead from his genius plan.... to do this.
and he did... no problem he said...


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Ok, get your prescription filled. It will all be better after that. Just remember to not let it run out or you will have to deal with reality again.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

martino said:


> Ok, get your prescription filled. It will all be better after that. Just remember to not let it run out or you will have to deal with reality again.



In 5 years my reality will be retired at 55 with a full pension and full medical... living in my dream home.
If my husband works himself or eats himself to death before than, my reality will still be the same as his pension and medical will still apply to me. Not to mention his life insurance and 401K.
I will be getting somewhere like 3,000 a month for life, plus medical
insurance.
I also have my own money too ...
Could be in a handful of years my reality will be every womans dream come true... even as a widow woman 
:lol:

I just have to find a way to make it until then... and get this thing right with his daughter as she is an adult and needs to start growing up already and stop acting like she's 3.

Some women in my situation would have affairs, get on drugs... as I have the resources to be a veryyyyy bad girl.
I am doing my best to tolerate this workaholic BS he has thrown at me.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Well folks we have a real life potential Black Widow on the forum. You truly are ungrateful for all his effort. All you care about is getting your nest egg money. I believe you have the capability of being "verrry bad" as you say.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

martino said:


> Well folks we have a real life potential Black Widow on the forum. You truly are ungrateful for all his effort. All you care about is getting your nest egg money. I believe you have the capability of being "verrry bad" as you say.


nothing personal mart, but you do not understand my situation at all for whatever reason so maybe you should go back to the cheating forums.
I really don't care to further explain my situation because you in fact just don't get it, maybe because you are young or never been in my position, but trust me someday you may be... so until you have something worthwhile to say you should not post in my threads.

ps, his nest egg money?
hahaha
I am already retired mart... I have my own nest egg, which is partially why he boggles my mind that he wants to do this.
I worked in medical for many years and also inheirted a large sum of money. I am not poor. I also have investments, money rolling in and dont have to even leave the house.
Why he wants to do this is HIS issue... some kind of tostererone 
making him act like this. It makes no sense at all.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

You are right, I only know what you've stated. You have stated that you really want to live the grand life and have a full nest egg, with benefits but you resent the fact that your husband is working for it and you wish him dead only after full benefit is reached and his work is done. Is that not what you've stated?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

martino said:


> You are right, I only know what you've stated. You have stated that you really want to live the grand life and have a full nest egg, with benefits but you resent the fact that your husband is working for it and you wish him dead only after full benefit is reached and his work is done. Is that not what you've stated?


I am just glad your not my husband... :rofl:
you are in no doubt male and very young or naive.

stop posting in my threads if you are not going to be helpful to me.

and stop calling me names "black widow"


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

See ya on the Lifetime channel nutty.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

martino said:


> See ya on the Lifetime channel nutty.



will be more like the ski slopes... long as I can stand H's stupid idea............

I will be the bunny in pink ski suit on the slopes.... you'll know me by my gray hair. ... we are retiring to seven springs Pa.

nice place... if he does before we move, I'll just get a 2 bedroom condo 

:lol:
even he said I should.... because even he knows his idea is stupid.

Funny you call me a nut when your the one crying "black widow"...
how do you handle when your wife gets upset? 
if this is any refection of that... you got more problems than I ever will. why do you even comment on things you do not understand?
thats nutty !


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

"My only saving grace is being able to shift my thoughts that is is indeed in heart attack years.
I feel I would be a much happier widow than wife... sad to say but its true.
I am older ( 50) and have friends in similair situation. They stayed and became cooks.... grease, bacon, eggs...
love him to death they say..., help him to be a happy man.
as they pointed out with thier husbands, who were too, like mine, in heart attack years..plus mine smokes. add to this he works 24/7... how long can he last like this?"


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

sorry you don't get it.

I think too, no matter how hard you try your not going to be able to. This was posted in the womens forum... and for good reason.

your clueless. just give it up.... 
lmao !!!


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

wow, preso. I had to get offline for a moment (I am in the hospital my 12th day today) and I come back and you are being attacked. I am so sorry. I am young, very naive but am totally with you. I feel your pain and frustration. I take Celexa (just started recently), have taken xanax before (made me very drowsy but other than that was fine), and when I am inpatient I take IV Adivan. It is my favorite but probably because it is IV form and hits quick. Sometimes we can't handle life. People that "have it together" don't understand that...mental illness is COMMON and just as important as physical illness. The world has pretty much accepted that these days, but SOME people (people who feel perfect and "right" as those on here) have not yet. Don't let that get to you. You have been dealt a bad card and you are struggling with dealing with it. God gave men brains and chemicals to create legal ethical drugs to help us deal with bad cards. You have lived a long, worthwhile life...working, paying your dues, putting your time in, and by God if you need to "take a chill pill" for 5 years because you don't choose to become a "desperate housewife" then so be it. CUDOS to YOU!!! I think you are great. You did your time...you sound concerned for your DH to me, you just know as I already do at 27 that these men folk are just simply going to do what they want. My DH is that way and is already a work-a-holic. If we did not have 3 small children I could guilt trip him into staying home SOME for, he would work 80 plus hours a week. It is in his blood as his father was that way. (Does your DH have a step son???) lol
Anyway...I am rambling now, but I am still here and still on your side. Good luck, and you are doing the right thing. I can hear your concern. You don't WANT him to work and eat himself to death, you just know that is what he is doing and know you can't do anything to stop it. Totally understandable to this woman. Best Wishes...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

preso said:


> I didn't come here to be questioned and I did post this in the ladies forum... for a good reason.


You misunderstand me if you think I am picking on you. Look at all my other posts, I never take sides. It just so happens that your thread is one of the most interesting. And I would appreciate an answer to my question.

I also do have sympathy for what you are going through. There are other threads like this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relati...band-addicted-money-ruining-our-marriage.html


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

jaclynnbaker said:


> wow, preso. I had to get offline for a moment (I am in the hospital my 12th day today) and I come back and you are being attacked. I am so sorry. I am young, very naive but am totally with you. I feel your pain and frustration. I take Celexa (just started recently), have taken xanax before (made me very drowsy but other than that was fine), and when I am inpatient I take IV Adivan. It is my favorite but probably because it is IV form and hits quick. Sometimes we can't handle life. People that "have it together" don't understand that...mental illness is COMMON and just as important as physical illness. The world has pretty much accepted that these days, but SOME people (people who feel perfect and "right" as those on here) have not yet. Don't let that get to you. You have been dealt a bad card and you are struggling with dealing with it. God gave men brains and chemicals to create legal ethical drugs to help us deal with bad cards. You have lived a long, worthwhile life...working, paying your dues, putting your time in, and by God if you need to "take a chill pill" for 5 years because you don't choose to become a "desperate housewife" then so be it. CUDOS to YOU!!! I think you are great. You did your time...you sound concerned for your DH to me, you just know as I already do at 27 that these men folk are just simply going to do what they want. My DH is that way and is already a work-a-holic. If we did not have 3 small children I could guilt trip him into staying home SOME for, he would work 80 plus hours a week. It is in his blood as his father was that way. (Does your DH have a step son???) lol
> Anyway...I am rambling now, but I am still here and still on your side. Good luck, and you are doing the right thing. I can hear your concern. You don't WANT him to work and eat himself to death, you just know that is what he is doing and know you can't do anything to stop it. Totally understandable to this woman. Best Wishes...



Thanks again, I'm doing the best with the cards I've been dealt and sometimes it's hard to hold it together.
I told my H my plans and you know he really is just all about work. He says he has to be so he can finish up and accomplish his goals. His father was a workaholic too he says and his father also retired at 55.
His father has been retired about 20 years now and happily married over 35 to his second wife.
I have no reason not to believe H is doing this for good reason but its a long term goal that will not be realized for a handful of years. In the meantime, I have to do what I can to cope... and its not easy.
I have no history of mental illness, no drug or alchol habits and would like to stay sane and sober during this waiting period...
although I do have bad days.

To add, his daughter, she is a young adult and very abusive. Although she does not live with us she adds stress to my life by the unrealisitc deamands and immaturity she has.
It's all I can do to not slap her in the face sometimes... she is just unreal with the drama and BS.
so...
thats about it right now.
I'm doing my best to cope...


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Have you actually sat your husband down, hit him upside his head with a frying pan, and MADE him listen to you on this? What is the point of him doing this if he is going to put himself in the grave doing it? Does he feel inferior to you because you already have your retirement? Some men really do have an issue with the woman having her "own" money or more maoney than themselves.

Some people will never get what you are trying to state...but thanks for having the guts to say what some women feel, but will never openly admit. You are NOT a nut, but I personally do not think you should really try any kind of "happy pill" to get you through this. It will only mask the issues not solve them, and IF it is NOT a true chemical imbalance in your brain(depression), the pills wont work for you anyways.

How bad would you feel if your husband DID have a heart attack after making him a "heart stopper special" for breakfast? If you won't be able to deal with the guilt of that, i suggest you stop doing it. If you could care less, then you need to NOT be married to this man.

You are old enough to know what you are willing to deal with. If you find you can't deal with this situation and your husband will NOT do anything to take some steps for a healthier him so he CAN retire with you, you already know what you want to do. So just do it!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

All I'm doing at this point is trying to ignore him
as he will retire soon and this nonsense will cease.

Talking to him does not help, he has a very
high paid and super stressful job and he tells me he
is doing his best right now 

and I'm trying to be understanding of that.


I would not feel anything in the way of guilt if he dies
from too many widow maker breakfasts. That is what HE WANTS TO EAT... I have no say so in his food choices.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

You may have no say...but you dont have to contribute.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Why are you even with him? I am having a hard time figuring that one out. Do you even love him? Or are you just angry right now?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sprite said:


> You may have no say...but you dont have to contribute.


already been through that... hey guess what .. my H has his own car and money and can stop off and get his cheeseburgers anytime he wants !


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## I'MTRYING (May 28, 2009)

I know part if what you are going through. My husband went through a rough time last year. He had an affair, lost his job (his fault), started drinking and staying out on weekends. I was trying to get out of this marriage. The only thing that sustained me was my faith in God. I started trusting in Him and keeping my focus on Him. I do not work or drive so I considered myself stuck. I still feel like leaving but I put my mind on God's Word and what He has in store for me. I will be praying for your situation.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I'MTRYING said:


> I know part if what you are going through. My husband went through a rough time last year. He had an affair, lost his job (his fault), started drinking and staying out on weekends. I was trying to get out of this marriage. The only thing that sustained me was my faith in God. I started trusting in Him and keeping my focus on Him. I do not work or drive so I considered myself stuck. I still feel like leaving but I put my mind on God's Word and what He has in store for me. I will be praying for your situation.



oh thank you how sweet.
My husband does not cheat or stay out late... he just works too much. Guess
I should count my blessings

BUT GUESS WHAT ???????? 
HIS WORK CUT OUT OVERTIME FOR THE SUMMER !!!!!!!!!

hahahahha !!!!!! They told him today as they had to lay off a few and to keep from laying off more, had everyone go to regular 40 hour weeks !
:smthumbup:
now maybe we can have some time together !!!!!!
and I don't mean frying up chicken or eating pizza !
He was working 70-80 hours a week, so this is going to be very different !!!!!!!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

At one point I was working 90 hour weeks...it nearly burned me out! 

I actually broke down and had to tell the boss I can't do this any more. 

He told me to take some time off (I did) and finally hit it again (with a shorter schedule) and wrapped up that job. 

I took a vivarin (wake up pill, OTC), when I didn't feel anything (30 mins to effect) 20 minutes later, I took another. WOW! Was I wired!  

Working too much can kill you (literally!) as much as a gun (which I was sooo glad I didn't own!). 

He needs to slow down. Relax more. Smell the roses, as they say. It's not worth your life to work towards a retirement you won't be around to enjoy.


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