# What the . . . ?!?



## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

So, my husband has been visiting every night for the past 3 nights now. He wants to start over, right. And well, today, I run into him in a crowded area. We're both freelance photographers and it so happens we both have younger siblings in high school. Its my sister's senior prom today and his brother is attending as well. 
I saw him down at the function where all the parents were dropping off their kids. He walked into me and didn't say anything. He just walked on as if he didn't know me, didn't say hi or anything. 

So, now I think he's just using me so that I don't cut him off from the baby's life, because he knows very well that I could fight for full custody, and win. 

Now I'm sure he's really over me and trying to be nice or whatever just to get what he wants out of me. I'm truly starting to feel weak, resentful, and just beyond hurt. 

How do I get past THIS? 

I have to give birth in a month or so and because I live in a tiny place with no hospital equipped for labor, I need to go to the city he's in. And I'm supposed to stay with him. I have no idea what to do now. 

Its like I KNOW he's using me already. I know he's being so fake. I can feel it. He's not in love with me anymore but is forcing it for some stupid reason. 

I know if I say anything he'll just say that I'm being a nag and pushing him away. But I think I deserve more than that. 

A****** You are an A$$*****


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Are you sure he saw you? This happened to me once, too, but it turned out my H just didnt see me.

You said he wants to stay in your life for some stupid reason but if its really so he can be around his child then I dont really think that's a stupid reason. If that is the case then maybe you have to accept that its over and allow him to see his child without trying to force him to be with you?


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

I would never force him to be with me. I had begun to accept that we were over sometime ago. Recently, he's been the one to come over and say he was wrong and wanted to start over.
Personally, I would NEVER keep a child from its biological family, even if it was over. That is one thing my husband DOES know, as I have other children from a previous relationship and we've had extensive discussions on parental rights etc. The only way I would keep him from the baby is if I thought it was unsafe, and I don't feel that way at all.
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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Sakaye ..you're in a really really hard situation,so sorry for what you are going through.
For the Hospital situation I'm thinking you have to do what you have to do,if you have to stay with him...you have to.Now you have to think of the baby and yourself.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Sakaye said:


> So, now I think he's just using me so that I don't cut him off from the baby's life, because he knows very well that I could fight for full custody, and win.
> 
> Now I'm sure he's really over me and trying to be nice or whatever just to get what he wants out of me.


OK. i guess i was confused because i thought this implied that you were thinking of cutting him off from his kid and so he was trying to wiggle around that.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Blanca said:


> OK. i guess i was confused because i thought this implied that you were thinking of cutting him off from his kid and so he was trying to wiggle around that.


Now, I guess, as I re-read it, its a little confusing. No, I would never think of keeping my child from his/her father like that. But my husband thinks that, even though he's seen how it is with my previous children and their dad. I, personally grew up without my father, I have photos of him and bad memories of him as a child. I feel even though the parents may not together, to have both biological parents in their lives is important. Especially when both WANT to be involved. 
Its just my husband says we'll see how it goes with our relationship, but he can't say that he still cares about me, not in any context. Then he comes over and all he wants is sex, and we're supposed to be taking things slow? Majority of the conversation ends up being about child custody. I am tired of repeating myself to him. I have no history of being a person like that, who uses their children as pawns in their breakups. Thats horrible.
So, I figured, I want to work on how I can be a better partner in the relationship, so I ask "how shall we go about this? Lets talk it out so we are clear and don't overstep any boundaries on either side." But any mention of relationship and he's ready to walk out the door. So, he's confusing me. He wants sex, but is still somewhat distant and can't express any feelings for me other than "i wanna have sex with you". I guess I just want to know the truth about whether he really wants to work it out or not. This doesn't affect the future of him and his baby. I just don't want to be led on another emotional roller coaster ride. I am going to be a single mother of 4 soon and I just can't take any more hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Sakaye said:


> Lets talk it out so we are clear and don't overstep any boundaries on either side." But any mention of relationship and he's ready to walk out the door. So, he's confusing me. He wants sex, but is still somewhat distant and can't express any feelings for me other than "i wanna have sex with you". I guess I just want to know the truth about whether he really wants to work it out or not.


I struggled with this in my marriage, also. My H would say one thing but then do something that completely contradicted it. I think I really wanted to believe what he was saying. But after losing my mind I realized I had to focus on what he was doing because in the long run that is what really makes or breaks my heart. After I started paying attention to what he was doing, and not what he was saying, I was able to start protecting my heart and get back my sanity.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Blanca said:


> I struggled with this in my marriage, also. My H would say one thing but then do something that completely contradicted it. I think I really wanted to believe what he was saying. But after losing my mind I realized I had to focus on what he was doing because in the long run that is what really makes or breaks my heart. After I started paying attention to what he was doing, and not what he was saying, I was able to start protecting my heart and get back my sanity.


Blanca,
It is so very hard to do. Its so painful. He was just here this morning and flew back to the city tonight. This morning he was reluctant to leave, and then when he did, he hugged me goodbye for a long time and said, I love you. He has not called me or texted or anything since then. Its like, idk what he wants and when he leaves he seems to have a double life, he drops all communication with me, etc. Im beginning to be suspicious of him. I feel as though he may be seeing someone else. I can't explain otherwise why he'd just drop all contact with me when he was just here talking about "I want to work it out. I love you. We'll talk every day, I promise, etc etc etc." Why is he doing this? Its like, I don't want to hound him, but I don't like being toyed with. Its extremely painful on this end, especially when realization starts setting in that he's probably just using me. And if he is seeing someone else, why would he keep coming back? I feel like Im seriously losing it!!
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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Sakaye said:


> This morning he was reluctant to leave, and then when he did, he hugged me goodbye for a long time and said, I love you. He has not called me or texted or anything since then. Its like, idk what he wants and when he leaves he seems to have a double life, he drops all communication with me, etc. Im beginning to be suspicious of him.


when my H said he loved me i started saying, 'you sure have a funny way of showing it' or 'if this is how you love me id hate to be around when you hate me.' Very passive aggressive but it kinda got my point across. I dont know if you say you love him back but id strongly recommend you stop saying it and stop accepting his pathetic attempts to console you. He wants to avoid conflict and do whatever will keep you happy in the moment (that's my bitter cynical side coming out). Does he really love you? I think its more important to ask yourself if this is how you want to feel when he does. Does his love feel good? NO. then it doesnt really matter if he's "really" loving you or not. take him at his word and tell him his love sucks.

His lack of communication sounds suspicious to me, too. I usually think if a person is not coming to you to meet their needs, they are getting them met some how. My H leaves on trips occasionally too and I would get the silent treatment from him. Its absolutely horrible. I literally went out of my mind. I had to take prescription grade anxiety drugs to help me calm down because i would get so out of control. I could have handled a verbal fight but the silence was torture. It was some of the worst times in my life.


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