# High School Sweethearts...baaa humbug



## C5B (Sep 27, 2013)

I never thought I'd be here....but here I am, 45 years old, been married 26 years, 2 great kids, the world thinks my wife and I are a fairy tale....blah blah blah. But trust me, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
My wife and I were high school sweethearts, I was her first boyfriend and she was my first girlfriend. I mean first in all aspects, first kiss, first hug, first everything first and only. We never dated anyone else. We married at 18, first child at 22. Second child 5 years later. 
Heres the problem, I am a very touchy feely person and she is not. I love physical contact of any kind, not just sex. I love the sofa cuddling, the passing touches in the hallway...all of it. But sadly my wife does not share my need of physical touch. This along with sex only once a month have taken its toll on my self esteem over the course of 20+ years. I have tried for years to tell her my needs but she just don't seem to care. On the sex subject, I have watched her countless times figure out ways for us NOT to be alone. I'm not stupid, I can pick up on these things. I have begged her to go to counseling with me, she refuses. I've asked her to talk to our pastor, she refuses. She dont' want anyone to know this is just a façade that we have created for our friends and family. Even though I get completely ignored, I still try to love on her daily, she just don't have any desire to reciprocate with her affection. 
She has told me that she has no desire to be with me physically due to her lack of desire, she even has to take a shot from her OBGYN for the once a month encounters that we do have. These encounters are so clinical, so cold. She won't let me kiss her, I'm not allowed to kiss her in certain places, I can't softly touch her. She has told me before that my touch makes her skin crawl. 
I am really emotionally crushed and damaged. I do everything around the house for her continuing to try to win her affections. Due to my schedule, I am off a lot during the month, so I do 80% of the housework and cooking for her and all I ask in return is some attention. 
This isn't the only issues, she is a control freak as well. She has to have complete control over every aspect of our lives. She continuously checks our phones to see who me and the kids are texting and talking too, she stalks our facebooks and we get questioned for who comments on what posts. She has total control over the banking, she is constantly drilling me and the kids on where we've been, who we've been talking too...its really exhausting.
Fast forward to 2013, I know this is no excuse for my recent behavior, but I have met someone that fills that void in my life. We have not been together sexually but she and I do spend a lot of time talking and just goofing off texting. She is everything that I have ever wanted, shes athletic, beautiful, adventurous, fun, care free and she is unhappily married as well. She is not pressuring me into anything, We have talked about the possibility of a future with us but we're just taking it a day at a time.
My question is this, Am I the only person that has ever went thru this? I know I can't be, but I feel like I am all alone. I don't want to hurt my wife, I don't want to cause her heartache and strife but I'm just not happy anymore. And at this point in my life with one child married and one in college that its time for me to enjoy a relationship....and she is not wanting to get on board and be a part of that. I'm just really confused....someone please give me some guidance and advice.


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## missingmylife (Apr 16, 2013)

Okay,

You are having what is called an Emotional Affair. This needs to stop NOW. It will only cloud your situation and cause confusion.

Have you looked into His Needs, Her Needs, The 5 love languages, or any books in that realm? This will really help open both of your eyes to eachothers needs and desires and how men and women are so different.

Women typically attach physical intimacy to emotions. Men, typically need the physicalness to feel an emotional bond. The books, especially His Needs Her Needs, will help you both realize this and what you can do to start meeting eachothers emotional needs.

Is your wife open to counseling?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah, you need to back off of the emotional affair, and focus on your marriage. This other woman isnt everything you've ever wanted, she is just presenting herself that way because she is miserable too. Your contact needs to stop and you need to snap back into reality. 

Your marriage sounds terrible for you, I know how hard it is to be the touchy feely one and it not be reciprocated, or appreciated. I am surpised you stayed married this long. You need to shake up her world. Tell her its either marriage counseling to work on the issues, or divorce, and be prepared to follow through. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose it to save it.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You need to work on your marriage with your wife.

She refuses then you tell her it's time to divorce. 

An affair is not the answer. 

That simple.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

You make her "skin crawl"? Jesus. I've been teetering on the edge of divorce for nearly five years, and that alone would push me over. The way you describe your marriage, I wouldn't blame you one bit for throwing in the towel, particularly as (I think) your youngest is now an adult.

But I would do so without the skewed and cloudy thinking that goes along with an inapporpriate emotional attachment to a third party. 

Break it off with the OW, hard, and clear your head before you make any life-changing decisions.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You have tried in your marriage. Asked for counselling. Doing more than your share around the house, etc. We aren't talking for a few months or couple of years. Sounds like it has been this way for many, many years.

But do this in the right order! So many people cheat and then leave.

Do it right. Stop with the OW. Tell her you are dealing with your life.

Leave your wife if you don't believe things are going to change. Start a life of your own. Then find someone new. And stay away from married women. If the OW is the one for you, she will do the same thing and leave her marriage before getting involved with someone new.


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## CrazyInside (Jun 18, 2012)

C5B said:


> I never thought I'd be here....but here I am, 45 years old, been married 26 years, 2 great kids, the world thinks my wife and I are a fairy tale....blah blah blah. But trust me, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
> My wife and I were high school sweethearts, I was her first boyfriend and she was my first girlfriend. I mean first in all aspects, first kiss, first hug, first everything first and only. We never dated anyone else. We married at 18, first child at 22. Second child 5 years later.
> Heres the problem, I am a very touchy feely person and she is not. I love physical contact of any kind, not just sex. I love the sofa cuddling, the passing touches in the hallway...all of it. But sadly my wife does not share my need of physical touch. This along with sex only once a month have taken its toll on my self esteem over the course of 20+ years. I have tried for years to tell her my needs but she just don't seem to care. On the sex subject, I have watched her countless times figure out ways for us NOT to be alone. I'm not stupid, I can pick up on these things. I have begged her to go to counseling with me, she refuses. I've asked her to talk to our pastor, she refuses. She dont' want anyone to know this is just a façade that we have created for our friends and family. Even though I get completely ignored, I still try to love on her daily, she just don't have any desire to reciprocate with her affection.
> She has told me that she has no desire to be with me physically due to her lack of desire, she even has to take a shot from her OBGYN for the once a month encounters that we do have. These encounters are so clinical, so cold. She won't let me kiss her, I'm not allowed to kiss her in certain places, I can't softly touch her. She has told me before that my touch makes her skin crawl.
> ...


Your story is my life, 13 years into the future, pre-affair, with no counseling. 

I was the wife that told her husband that he made my skin crawl. I was a neurotic control freak. I had the affair. I filed for divorce. I don't know what my EXH could have done or said to get to me then. What did I need to be shaken to the core to wake me up? I don't know. 

I am probably the very last person that anyone in the world would want to take relationship advice from considering what I've done. But if I could go back just one year and tell myself anything I would say staying for the kids is never healthy. But stay for them, just a little longer. Find a way to go to counseling. Push, pull, or drag him (in my case) to counseling and be honest. Say the things you've always wanted to say although you know they'll hurt. Listen. Listen to what he says he needs even though right now you don't think you care about his feelings because you are broken. Listen and you'll find that he's broken too. 

If you decide to leave your marriage do not end it for another woman. I don't know anyone personally who has left for another and been happy but I am sure that there are some couples who survive. I risked it and it was a gamble I wish I could take back. It was the biggest mistake of my life. 

People will find out eventually. The most important ones, your children. They will look at you differently, react to you differently, and show their love for you differently. It will change their lives in ways you cannot see right now regardless of how grown up they are. 

Don't do it. It is not worth it. I learned the hard way that the grass is only greener on the other side because that's the side you water when you have an affair.


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## whispersofme (Sep 18, 2013)

1. Stop w/the OW immediately. An affair will cloud your rights & could cost you more in the long run.
2. Contact a Lawyer to determine what your rights are
3. Start IC for yourself now.
4. Request MC from your Wife.
5. Start the 180 (I know sounds weird but it for your sanity not hers)
6. Stockpile some $$ just in case you do end up leaving her.
Finally, if nothing above works to help you in your marriage and your wife continues to withhold affection divorce her and move on. Possibly re-connect with the OW (IF she is single) at that time. Affairs are always a No-no - no matter the situation/circumstance or reasons. Good luck.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

The French accept the fact that a man can have both a wife and a mistress. To me, withholding sex on a regular basis is breaking the marital contract, just like adultery. That said, DON'T do it. I did, and have regretted it ever since. Not that I didn't think I was justified, but it simply creates more problems than its worth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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