# Solicitation for Opinions



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I've been here a year. My background story is my signature.

Christmas: I have to hand the kids over. It was very difficult for me. Traumatic is a word I would use especially since the handoff wasn't easy. The emotions died down etc... then I went to my family's for dinner.

***

I'm talking with my dad. He gives me these cards, one for me, and then one for each of my sons, and then one for my EXW. I was there sitting there in a WTF moment. The last time I was over his house, I took the picture of my family, me, her, and the boys and threw it away. I replaced it with pictures of my boys and their cousin in nice big frames.

I hand the card back and he tells me he will look up her address and send it to her. He just wanted me to give it to her. I decided that I would take it. My dad told me that my EX sent him pictures of the boys. This had me greatly surprised and I had a second WTF? moment. She has not spoken to my parents since Dday.

So I get home and as I am getting all the cards for all of the boys, the card to her had some freakish accident. The envelope that it was in fell and cut itself on my hunting knife and the card fell open on the table. 

My dad is telling her how much he terribly misses her and that he is always there for her.

Now I do not speak to my EX. Her parents and I have no communication. My EX has been seeing my old next door neighbor for over a year and hence I moved. I believe that my dad is being the better man and I know he is a better man than I am. It gives me a ideal to strive for.

My EX betrayed her family. She hasn't been a mother to her two older adopted children for over two years and I am the one carrying the water. I am in the midst of taking her to court now for full custody of the children.

I have no qualms with my dad. He is his own man and he will do what he thinks is right.

Why would my EX, who wrote my parents off go out of her way to contact them and write them something nice? I don't interfere with her circles. This is my family. Why would she reach out and be nice to my family since she hasn't done anything for years? I brought them great pictures. I totally feel that she stepped over the line and is intruding on my fortress of solitude. I will never let her know that because I honestly believe that she provokes me to get a rise out of me.

Now I don't need input of the unfortunate demise of the letter. It was a 'Lemony Snicket's' moment. What I am curious is as to why my EX is reaching out to my family. I have been trying to get rid of her in my life in all possible ways for the last year except for what is absolutely needed for communication.

Any thoughts on the motives? I have my own but I'd like to know others here because I think it is more than one thing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She might be in counselling? "Reaching out to those you hurt" sounds like the advice a counsellor might give to someone.

Or a ruse to enable her to keep custody? (See that? My Mr Cynical persona just snuck up on me!)


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> She might be in counselling? "Reaching out to those you hurt" sounds like the advice a counsellor might give to someone.
> 
> Or a ruse to enable her to keep custody? (See that? My Mr Cynical persona just snuck up on me!)


She is not in counseling. I have suggested that to her on several occasions. She also has never said sorry to me or the kids for anything that she has ever done. I'm wondering why she reached out to my parents. I am not discounting what you are saying Matt, just clarifying.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

*My dad is telling her how much he terribly misses her and that he is always there for her.*

I really don't get this. I think Dad is out of line and you're letting him off too easily.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> She is not in counseling. I have suggested that to her on several occasions. She also has never said sorry to me or the kids for anything that she has ever done. I'm wondering why she reached out to my parents. I am not discounting what you are saying Matt, just clarifying.


In that case I'd go for option "B".


> "See, your honour? I am trying to reach out to my former in-laws! _Sob! Sob!_ I do so want to be a good mother. _Sniff!_ So I should keep custody of the children. Of course, I'd love for their grandparents to be involved. And naturally, my ex-husband, too!"


Watch her! She's up to something!


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Philat said:


> *My dad is telling her how much he terribly misses her and that he is always there for her.*
> 
> I really don't get this. I think Dad is out of line and you're letting him off too easily.


I do agree with Philat. 

I think this is wrong of your dad to get himself involved. Its almost like he is picking a side to be on. 

I hate this kind of stuff. 

Clay


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She is looking to re-establish contact with them and get on their good side.

If they are such nice people, she probably genuinely likes them, though I would not attribute that as a motive, at least not the primary one.

I hope you take no offense, but aside from pedophiles and rapists and murderers and major fraudsters, your ex is one of the worst people I have ever heard of. At least one of the most selfish. So I have a hard time attributing any motive other than a selfish one. A few that come to mind:

1. First and foremost, to get them to testify in her behalf at the custody hearing.

2. To make them think that everything you say about her is an exaggeration or a lie (she always seems super nice to us and goes out of her way to make nice with us).

3. To provoke you into doing something regarding the custody hearing.

4. To ask them for money?

5. Something for her own personal benefit.

Stop talking sh1t to your parents and family about your ex until after the custody hearing. Apparently she is able to fool them or they are extremely forgiving people. If my son was in a similar situation as yours, and I had heard the things that his ex had done, there is no way I could ever be civil with her again. EVER. Even if she apologized 1000 times, the best I think I could ever feel about her is "stay away from me and don't contact me."


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> She has not spoken to my parents since Dday.





> My EX betrayed her family. She hasn't been a mother to her two older adopted children for over two years and I am the one carrying the water. I am in the midst of taking her to court now for full custody of the children.





> My dad is telling her how much he terribly misses her and that he is always there for her.
> ...................
> I have no qualms with my dad. He is his own man and he will do what he thinks is right.


*I changed the order on porpouse. So...*


> Why would my EX, who wrote my parents off go out of her way to contact them and write them something nice?


Is it possible she knows you are going to sue for full custody and she - knowing you Dad would be more in her camp - is trying to mend that bridge in case he can help her case?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Money ?


Hurting you...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I agree with this.

I do not talk about custody with my family. I only mentioned it on Thanksgiving. I do believe that she is trying to butter them up so as to mitigate what they would say in court, however, they are not on my list to call as witnesses.

My mother has Alzheimer's. My father is not in a great state but he wants what would be best for his grandchildren. My father did not insert himself in this. She reached out to him and he was being kind to her. I cannot fault him for that. Please don't get me wrong, I sure as HELL do not like it.

I believe she is up to something as well. I don't need my parents to testify. I documented everything. I would never call my parents to court either.

I have friends that I am very close with. They are closer to me than my family. I keep my family out of this mess. 

I don't trust her. My father is not in great health so I would have never involved him in this. Why she felt like she should contact him this Christmas makes so sense to me. 

I have ADD badly so I can get distracted but I have focus on finishing this court case because I really believe it will go well and in my favor. She does things to distract me or get a rise out of me etc... For the most part I just brush them off.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MovingAhead said:


> The envelope that it was in fell and cut itself on my hunting knife and the card fell open on the table





MovingAhead said:


> My dad is telling her how much he terribly misses her and that he is always there for her.





MovingAhead said:


> I believe that my dad is being the better man and I know he is a better man than I am.





MovingAhead said:


> My EX betrayed her family. She hasn't been a mother to her two older adopted children for over two years and I am the one carrying the water. I am in the midst of taking her to court now for full custody of the children.





MovingAhead said:


> Any thoughts on the motives?


 Your dad is not being the better man. He is betraying you at a time that you and your children need him to be fully on your side as you rightfully fight for full custody. Your father’s card to your cheating ex is exactly what an attorney would need to defeat your motion for full custody, as it shows that even your own father supports her. The fact that your father was going to mail it to her even if you were against it and upset about it, shows his level of disrespect for you. When she has your father testify, and he speaks his truth about her and you, you will not get full custody. The problem is that if you discuss this now with your father, he will disclose this discussion and hurt you even more. BTW, you already give your father full access to his grandchildren, and full custody by you would insure that even more, so he is not doing this for better access to the grandchildren.

I feel very bad for you. First your wife and now your own father. People that you thought had your back, but instead stab you in the back. You sound like a decent person. You will find other decent people to have in your life. Sometimes you need to find out who does not have your back in order to make the effort to find people that do. Give it time. Things will get better. Good luck and be well. I am pulling for you and your children.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My dad is not betraying me. He doesn't know about the court case. My dad is very old, almost 90. I appreciate your input. I kept my parents out of the divorce for a reason. He just wants his offspring to be happy. It is the well wishing of an old man and my EX was pulling at his heart strings.

I have my kids today. We are cleaning up after the Christmas storm and I have a date with a stunning brunette tonight. I'm going to see if Santa left anything under the tree for me.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I agree with the posters who have pointed out how selfish and blatantly hurtful your xW is. She stands out on TAM as a WW who very much does not care how much she hurts her BH.

This smells like some buttering up in advance of the custody hearing. Does she know that your father isn't on your list? Is it possible for her to derail you by calling him to testify?

I'm a direct person and, were I in your situation with my father, I would tell him that I need and expect him to have my back and that he has to stop contact with her.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> This smells like some buttering up in advance of the custody hearing. Does she know that your father isn't on your list? Is it possible for her to derail you by calling him to testify?


*It is technically possible for her to call him to testify. It would be absolutely foolish on her part.

My parents have seen their grandchildren only a few times since the divorce. The people who are called are the ones who see things day to day, not our parents. My parents don't have direct knowledge of my kids day to day affairs.*




alte Dame said:


> I'm a direct person and, were I in your situation with my father, I would tell him that I need and expect him to have my back and that he has to stop contact with her.


*I understand what you are saying. My father has not seen her since we are divorced. He cannot speak to the court about her in any way.*

Now here is the kicker. My court case is based on the kids, their behavior and wishes, their school work, practices etc... My EX has called the police on her two oldest children 3 times after the divorce. My case is not based on the testimony of an 87 year old man but on my EX's actions. My father has no knowledge of this. I have kept my cards very close. There is an end in sight and I believe it will be better for all involved once this is finally settled. I am sure come June 1, I will have a very long post about it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MovingAhead said:


> My dad is not betraying me. He doesn't know about the court case. My dad is very old, almost 90. I appreciate your input. I kept my parents out of the divorce for a reason. He just wants his offspring to be happy. It is the well wishing of an old man and my EX was pulling at his heart strings.


 This shows that you are a good person that has your father's back no matter what. I will let it go at that. Again, good luck and be well.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The way your dad handled all this speaks volumns as to why she contacted him. They have a history and he is a nice guy and has not gotten into all the drama.

If for what ever reason the two of you make up and resolve your M then where would your father be if he attacked your ex?

As a father I would want to support my boys but when my youngest son was involved with a nut case for 5 years I held my tongue. I thought she would become my DIL and i did not want to poison the water. They lived together and fortunately never had kids. 

All I am trying to say is that your father is remaining neutral, maybe for the grandkids, maybe for other reasons, he has a lot on his plate. The gift of the card is just your dad being kind.

My mother knew what was going on with my wife and sent her a b-day card. When I got it in the mail I burned it. Never told my wife. I was p*ssed at my mother but what am I going to say to a lady that is 87 years old and is a very kind sweet soul? Nothing and I didn't. My mother loves my wife and would have continued to love her even if I had D her. And my mother would have not done so out of spite, she loves me as well, but for some reason some folks can look beyond the big flaws. 

I don't get it in one sense but I would just love on your dad and as you said, he is his own man.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Thorburn, your perspective on your mom is the same as me on my dad.

Now the chance of me reconciling with my EX is .000001% or less. I think the card he was giving her accidentally committed suicide. 

I am not questioning his motives. I have kept him out of this for a reason. He is old and does not need this stress in his life.

I just question the motives of my EX. I am not certain about the court motive at all at least not testifying. I honestly think very little of this has to do with court although I have that on my mind.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

MovingAhead said:


> Thorburn, your perspective on your mom is the same as me on my dad.
> 
> Now the chance of me reconciling with my EX is .000001% or less. I think the card he was giving her accidentally committed suicide.
> 
> ...


Not that I would have liked it but my wife would have kept in touch with my mother.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Possibilities...

1. Trying to make amends... Something reminded her of them recently. Maybe something they did or said to her long ago that made her feel genuinely good, and then remembering how things are now and knowing that she disappointed them.
2. Sending photos because maybe that was never your "thing". When my parents divorced because of his mental issues, my mom continued to mail his whole family photos and occasional letters for many years until Facebook sort of replaced that need. My dad was never the type to keep family in the loop or send out updated photos of the family/kids. I bet most men aren't that way. So she kept it up because she didn't want our aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents on his side of the family to feel disconnected from us.
3. Aside from being her in-laws at some point, were they more than that to her? Like if she didn't have good relationships with her parents or if they were more loving/supporting than her real family, she could just be missing them more than usual with the holidays being here.


With all of that said, the comment that your dad made, which has already been highlighted a few times here, seems most perplexing to me. Frankly as I read on in your original post I was waiting for you to reveal that you had discovered that your father once had a tryst of some kind with her himself. That comment is... concerning.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Thorburn said:


> The way your dad handled all this speaks volumns as to why she contacted him. They have a history and he is a nice guy and has not gotten into all the drama.
> 
> If for what ever reason the two of you make up and resolve your M then where would your father be if he attacked your ex?
> 
> ...


EXCELLENT point to make here Thorburn!

My own parents are a testament to this. They are long since divorced and both approached my crazy marriage completely differently. All my mom needed to hear on day one was that my wife had cheated for her to HATE my wife with the fire of a thousand suns. Any goodwill built in their relationship was gone in a flash, and thus my own relationship with my mom went downhill at the same moment. Over the four years since then, there were times I was ready to give up on the marriage, most of that time I wanted to save it, but at all times I knew I couldn't really turn to her for any degree of fair advice or input, and I resented her for being "against me" whenever I wanted to work on my marriage.

For my dad, he approached it completely differently. Sure I bet he felt a similar anger towards my wife when he found out she had cheated, but he knew that even then there must be two sides to the story, and he made it clear that he was most concerned with my happiness and would support any decision that I chose to make. If I told him I wanted to save the marriage, he would happily discuss ideas and strategies to that effect. At other times when I told him I had a new girlfriend and was ready to move on, he'd give me a high five and offer advice on how to make the process smoother. When I was back to wanting to save the marriage, he'd tell me how much he respects my decision and offer advice and best wishes for that endeavor as well. All the while whenever he did happen to have contact with my wife (like if she stopped by when he was there for example) he would treat her no differently than he had when we were together, generally with a great big hug and asking her all sorts of questions about how she's doing.

So now I can respect my dad that much more, and my wife does as well. He was wise enough to realize that poisoning the waters long-term is not a smart decision, that the emotions involved in a distressed marriage can swing wildly and going into all-out battle mode on one side or the other will rarely work to your advantage. With my mom for example, even when I was in agreement with her about divorcing my wife, I still resented her for not having supported my own wishes/desires before I reached that point.

So yes, this is a good point!


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> The way your dad handled all this speaks volumns as to why she contacted him. They have a history and he is a nice guy and has not gotten into all the drama.
> 
> If for what ever reason the two of you make up and resolve your M then where would your father be if he attacked your ex?
> 
> ...


OK, maybe the Dad thing is not so much an issue, especially if he is getting on in years (I have elder care issues of my own). But OP's original description made it sound like Dad was not simply being neutral, but actively supporting the wife at the expense of OP.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Might need to ask your lawyers about a protection order for your parents against your ex.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

To Philat's and Try's points... I can understand why you think my dad was not being neutral. When I wrote this, I had no concerns about my dad, my concerns are solely about my EXW.

I think my father is wise and venerable. I think my EX is selfish and just bats...

Of course I left out a very important detail. She DID NOT contact them at all last Christmas. We were divorced only a month before but all the same. I was wondering why she did this summer.

CD, you may be on to something... She always was the ones with the photos. The funny thing is when we divorced, now I am. I take much better photos than her.

Matt, she can contact my parents all she wants. I don't share this stuff with them. They are old and don't need the drama. I have buddies and TAM for this crap lol.

Thanks all for your insights. I am just making sure I cover all angles.


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