# How can I find the way back to my husband's heart?



## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

I haven't seen my husband in 10 months because, being miserable and depressed in the country we were living, and because we did not come to a common agreement , I left with the kids, hoping that he would follow us, sooner or later. He stays there to be close to his parents ( 1000 km but much better that 20,000 km)
We talk almost daily on skype and he will visit us for a 4 week holiday for Christmas.
The problem is, he is talking about how what I did affected him very much and he lost his connection with me, he does not seem to miss me but he misses his kids enormously and resents me for leaving him without them.He seems depressed and does not know anymore what his role in life is, he seems lost but unable to make any decision.....

I feel guilty but I know why I did all this and I did not feel that he fought for us to stick toghether no matter what...

How can I find the way back to his heart? Because I miss him and I really love him....

What if he does not love me anymore?
I can't wait for him to come for Christmas but he does not seem like that towards me.....

PLEASE PLEASE , I need some good advice !


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

a husband and wife, belong together. Not apart.

You cant have a apart marriage.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You took his children away, how can ever expect to be back in his heart?


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## ms.beesknees (Sep 26, 2012)

:iagree: I'm going thru something similar, husband had to leave for 8months due to work and has caused him to disconnect from me.. Relationships need intimacy, and you can't get that via Skype or text... I'd get back there if possible, if he does still love u at all


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

AnoukNZ said:


> I haven't seen my husband in 10 months because, being miserable and depressed in the country we were living, and *because we did not come to a common agreement , I left with the kids, hoping that he would follow us, sooner or later. He stays there to be close to his parents* ( 1000 km but much better that 20,000 km)
> We talk almost daily on skype and he will visit us for a 4 week holiday for Christmas.
> The problem is, he is talking about how what I did affected him very much and he lost his connection with me, he does not seem to miss me but he misses his kids enormously and resents me for leaving him without them.He seems depressed and does not know anymore what his role in life is, he seems lost but unable to make any decision.....
> 
> ...


Two areas of concern here that I have in bold and underlined. You didn't like the place you were living in and you wanted to move away. Your husband did not. You say that the two of you did not make any progress with the your discussions about your living arrangements, so you up and left him and took his children away from him. Yeah, I'd be pretty upset with you too if you were my wife. I may never even care to see you ever again, because what you did was an act of betrayal on a level similar to infidelity IMO. Let me guess...I bet you and the kids live very close to YOUR parents, hmmmm?

The second statement I bolded and underlined - yeah, that's a little hard to take. You say he didn't fight enough for all of you to be together. That statement actually describes you. YOU did not fight hard enough to remain together as a family. It was YOU that broke your family up. 

Unless you call him and ask him if he would be willing to stay with you if you move back to where he lives, I have no answers for you to make your situation any better. You abandoned your husband. How do you expect him to feel?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sort of made your bed didn't you? You couldn't have predicted what would happen?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

AnoukNZ said:


> I feel guilty but I know why I did all this and I did not feel that he fought for us to stick toghether no matter what...
> 
> How can I find the way back to his heart? Because I miss him and I really love him....
> 
> ...


Stop being manipulative. This was a cruel thing that you did to him, and you did it because you wanted him to "prove" his love and follow you. That's a huge betrayal, and your best chance of fixing it is to get humble, ask him how you can make it up to him, and then do that. However, the best you can expect is what you had before. You're simply not going to find a different person than he was even if he does forgive you.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Seeing how people build a wall, run into it repeatedly, get hurt and complain about not being able to get to happiness.......

makes me sad, and desperate. Because what am I possible doing stupid in my own situation....how _can_ one see his situation objectively, is that even possible?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Seeing how people build a wall, run into it repeatedly, get hurt and complain about not being able to get to happiness.......
> 
> makes me sad, and desperate. Because what am I possible doing stupid in my own situation....how _can_ one see his situation objectively, is that even possible?


I was thinking the same thing recently. If I had of told others the real situation in my marriage they would have told me to move on I am sure. I stayed put for various reasons and all valid at the time.

But situations like the one in the OP are just so glaringly wrong, surely the people involved can see the truth themselves.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

Thank you for all your answers, no matter what.

As in general, things are not black and white and if you read my previuos threads *maybe* you can see the whole picture.

I did not want to move from our life in the country we were living. ( I do not have my parents close ) and I did it for him, anyway. We discussed before the move and he promissed that we would return in case I was unhappy. Well, he broke his promise when it turned out he changed his mind. And he actually said he will not come back but I and the kids can go, if that's what I want....but he will not .

It did not seem to bother him too much or at least understand that I could not adapt there and that I was very depressed. 

I had a choice but he had one as well.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You, your H, and your kids were living in Country A, moved to Country B for a trial period; you wanted to return to A, but H wanted to stay in B; you argued and H said, you and kids can go to A, but I'm staying in B; so, you took the kids and went to A; you wish H would have gone with you to A or persuaded you to stay in B with him and now you regret your choice because H feels abandoned. Is this an accurate summary?

Ask your H -- do you still want to be married? Are you willing to come to A or do you want me and the kids to come to B? Be honest. If the only way you can have a relationship with H is by moving back, would you? 

Were you both having problems before the separation? Did you inform him of your initiation of the separation or give him a chance to object? I can't imagine you'd leave over something small, so what was the thing making you so unhappy in B that you returned to A, knowing you'd be jeopardizing your marriage? What is in A that was more important to you than keeping your marriage and family in tact? Friends? Siblings? Parents? Something pulled you there. And, why wouldn't H consider returning, when he had promised to? What is he attached to in B? being near parents and family? An OW? Is A your hometown while B is his? Was this a miscommunication? Have you two had counseling? 

Something is missing in this equation...


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

Country A is my adopted country and the place I feel I belong, I love it here , it's the place where I met my husband and had my children, I was very happy here always, it has sunshine, breathtaking scenery and beaches, lovely friendly people. Country B is the exact opposite for me, cold, grey, unfriendly and a place where I could not adapt to or integrate myself and where I felt literally suffocated for 4 years....to a point that I just wanted out no matter what....
He stays there because he feels it's his duty as an only child, his parents have always manipulated him and made him feel he betrayed them by abandoning them....

We tried counselling but when the counsellor implied that his relationship with his mother is unhealthy and destroying our marriage he refused to continue the counselling.

He is blaming me now for everything, which is very convenient for him....


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Well, it sounds to me like the message is clear: His mother is his priority, almost like alcohol becomes an alcoholic's priority even if they say their greatest values are home, family, etc.

If she is not YOUR priority, then you have to be codependent on him and let his behaviors dictate your life, or you have to learn to let go of the things that are unhealthy for you, which in this case is a husband who does not prioritize his marriage and family. 

You could tell him that his choice to follow his duty to his mother means he is abandoning his duty to his wife and children. It may not have an effect, but who knows, maybe he will see the light. Ask him to come on here and read what you've written and how people have responded. 

On the flip side, you let YOUR wants and desires be more important than your marriage too. Your priorities put him and your children as less important than getting to live in country A when you moved and took his children.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

You left him, took the kids and moved far away from him. He may still love you but has put up a wall to protect himself from further hurt. The only way to know is to talk to him, tell him how you feel, apologize for breaking his heart ...because that's what you did. Leaving him was not a good way to test his love.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She also deprioritized the marriage by choosing to separate.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> She also deprioritized the marriage by choosing to separate.


Yes and she put herself ahead of her children and her husband. Now they are all suffering.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Holland said:


> Yes and she put herself ahead of her children and her husband. Now they are all suffering.


If you read the other threads you will see that the husband appears to have broken a promise to the OP to return to New Zealand if she was unhappy in Europe. It is a very difficult situation where the aged parents are not prepared to move from Austria so expected their son, who had settled in NZ, to return to Europe to be near them. He did this, uprooting his wife and children, conditional on a promise to return to NZ if wife was unhappy.

It is a mess with the husband caught between his parents on the one hand and his wife on the other and apparently having to let down one or the other.

If I were the husband I would give priority to my wife and children but perhaps that is just me.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> If you read the other threads you will see that the husband appears to have broken a promise to the OP to return to New Zealand if she was unhappy in Europe. It is a very difficult situation where the aged parents are not prepared to move from Austria so expected their son, who had settled in NZ, to return to Europe to be near them. He did this, uprooting his wife and children, conditional on a promise to return to NZ if wife was unhappy.
> 
> It is a mess with the husband caught between his parents on the one hand and his wife on the other and apparently having to let down one or the other.
> 
> If I were the husband I would give priority to my wife and children but perhaps that is just me.


Yes I can see both sides and it is a very difficult situation no doubt about it. But the OP is asking how to get back into her husbands heart. She took herself and her children away from him, that was her solution.
This is a no win situation, she cannot take his children away and also expect to be in his heart, it is as simple as that. She can either go back to him or accept that her actions have destroyed her marriage. This is not to lay blame squarely on her but sometimes you just can't have it all.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Guy refuses to abandon his parents, wife leaves with the kids (quite possibly smuggling them illegally out of the country, that is what she isn't saying) because New Zealand is sunnier and has beautiful beaches... Give me a break!

Any woman who pulls that stunt of stealing away her kids from their father when all the guy wants is to be there for his old folk over fluff reasons like that isn't really someone i would advise a guy to be married to. I hope her husband manages to find a real wife soon.


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

It doesn't matter what country I am in, I would not feel at "home" unless I was with the one I wanted to grow old with. There seems to be a lot more going on than what I've read.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

unfortunately I left myself last and tried to make my husband happy agreeing to move somewhere where I knew I would not be happy. Just because I trusted him and I wanted him happy and I wanted to be with him....

I was very hurt when he told me he changed his mind because it showed me we were not his priority....he would have promissed anything to get me to do what he wanted......
I did not smuggle my kids, he took us to the airport and he chose to let us go and not be with us....and I understand it in a way, because of the emotional blackmail his mum did to him the whole life....

But what we had I thought it would be stronger and without us he would realize his place was with us...
I thought our love was invincible...and we will work things out in the end...somehow....
well, it turned out I was very naive...

I feel for him because I know he is suffering, but he behaves like a masochistic, a person who prefers to suffer than to do something about it....


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

hurtandmiserable said:


> It doesn't matter what country I am in, I would not feel at "home" unless I was with the one I wanted to grow old with. There seems to be a lot more going on than what I've read.


It's very easy to talk about things when you don't understand them or you are not involved....
I would have thought and said the same.....but the reality is different sometimes....and it shows you how unpredictable you can be..


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

costa200 said:


> Guy refuses to abandon his parents, wife leaves with the kids (quite possibly smuggling them illegally out of the country, that is what she isn't saying) because New Zealand is sunnier and has beautiful beaches... Give me a break!
> 
> Any woman who pulls that stunt of stealing away her kids from their father when all the guy wants is to be there for his old folk over fluff reasons like that isn't really someone i would advise a guy to be married to. I hope her husband manages to find a real wife soon.


the father actually drove us to the airport and let us go and chose not to be with his family, he is a good man but too attached to his mum....

he moved us in the first place from somewhere our family had a beautiful life, just because his mum wanted this and because she did not want to come and live close to us...


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

Holland said:


> Yes and she put herself ahead of her children and her husband. Now they are all suffering.


Maybe you can say all of the above.......
but when you know you did everything you could to do the best for everyone and put yourself last, and when it comes to a point where you can't take it anymore and you cannot recognise yourself anymore and you see he is not impressed and does not want to change things because they suit him.....you just snap....because you are depressed and hurt and you seem you can't breath anymore, because you feel miserable and the kids are not thriving either...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

AnoukNZ said:


> Maybe you can say all of the above.......
> but when you know you did everything you could to do the best for everyone and put yourself last, and when it comes to a point where you can't take it anymore and you cannot recognise yourself anymore and you see he is not impressed and does not want to change things because they suit him.....you just snap....because you are depressed and hurt and you seem you can't breath anymore, because you feel miserable and the kids are not thriving either...


Yes I get it and feel really bad for you, him and your children. You asked how to get back into your husbands heart, the reality is that it won't happen unless you go back there. Even then it will be hard, you took his kids away he probably has a huge amount of resentment towards you.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

A husband has to stand with his wife, and not choose his parents above her.

There is no question about this, becoming an adult is completed when you separate from your parents, not only physical, but also mentally.

Make him leave, the therapist was right,.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> unfortunately I left myself last and tried to make my husband happy agreeing to move somewhere where I knew I would not be happy.


That's a self made prophecy. You never gave it a chance. You accepted to go but you already "knew" you would not be happy. With that sort of attitude you could never expect it to work.



> the father actually drove us to the airport and let us go and chose not to be with his family, he is a good man but too attached to his mum....
> 
> he moved us in the first place from somewhere our family had a beautiful life, just because his mum wanted this and because she did not want to come and live close to us...


What i get from this is that you really don't have the level of respect you should have for your husband. Have you considered that his mum didn't actually do it but rather it was your husband who wanted to be there? Isn't he a grown man able to make his own decisions? Or is he his mommy's puppet?

Think carefully on this because from that you will get the level of consideration you have for him. Quite honestly i don't see how that other country can be so much better in everything in order to make you destroy your family over it. The main problem is that you did not think highly enough of your husband to begin with. You were just not into him anymore at the normal end of the critical 5 years and left him. 




> I was very hurt when he told me he changed his mind because it showed me we were not his priority....he would have promissed anything to get me to do what he wanted...


This is the main issue right here isn't it? He basically lied to you and this was his error. He was manipulative and left you with a way out that you then took. 

But you should examine the following. You were willing to do this for him. Uproot yourself and move for him. But then you weren't willing anymore. At a point you were not willing to put up with it anymore. So, my guess is that passion dropped in day to day life and you wanted out. Now that you are far away from him you want him back. You've realized what you miss not being with him.

But try to look at it from his side. You left and took the kids. Now you want to be back in his heart. What are you planning to do about it? Because you can be pretty sure if he is a man with self respect he won't be moving a finger to get back with you.




> A husband has to stand with his wife, and not choose his parents above her.


A wife has to stand with her husband, not choose sunny beaches over him... I think i have you beat in this hand of cards because in my book (and cultural differences may apply) old folk > sunny beaches anytime.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

How easy do you think it is to leave and go to the other side of the world and take care of 3 kids by myself, after almost 13 years of marriage? Do you think a decision like that is easy to make and do?
Of course I miss my husband and I knew I would. I love my husband and I wished he loved me the same and found a solution to the problem that he created and not sacrifice me and the kids. 

Don't you think someone has to be really down and feel there is no other choice to be able to do this?

How many men you know that have emigrated and then return and uproot their whole family just because the parents don't want to come close to him? And against their partner's wishes?

And it's not only sunny beaches, don't belittle someone's feelings, it's a whole way of life, it's home.....


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

AnoukNZ said:


> How easy do you think it is to leave and go to the other side of the world and take care of 3 kids by myself, after almost 13 years of marriage? Do you think a decision like that is easy to make and do?
> Of course I miss my husband and I knew I would. I love my husband and I wished he loved me the same and found a solution to the problem that he created and not sacrifice me and the kids.
> 
> Don't you think someone has to be really down and feel there is no other choice to be able to do this?
> ...


You have a cultural gap going on. I'm portuguese. Family is everything for us. Don't know about Austrians, but apparently your husband saw fit to be there for his old folk. And have you considered that maybe he wasn't happy as you thought he was in New Zealand? Maybe that "way of life" doesn't appeal to him. Maybe he hates it? But in the end, nothing of this really matters. 

You want to be in your husband's heart, right? That's the whole initial most important point of this thread. How do you want to do that when you're in another hemisphere with his kids? Basically you have two people who want to be in different countries over different reasons. His reasons seem to me to be a lot more consistent than yours. That's about it. Maybe my cultural heritage influences the way i weight assistance to your elders and the whole "way of life", whatever that means. But the fact remains that you cannot hope to get back with your husband after doing what you did twiddling your fingers.

And do have this in mind. You're on a limited time table here. He is now a single dude who has traveled to other countries in his own country. How long do you think he will take before he finds some female companionship? One that doesn't mind snowy Austria? In Austria? You do the math...

Up to you, if you want to do something about it or not. If you are waiting that he suddenly comes for you you'll probably ending your relationship for good. Do you really love this guy or not?


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

I am a happy person , normally.....I enjoy the small things in life, I am positive and loving, I feel I have a lot of love to give...
I love my husband but somehow I felt suffocated by the coldness in Austria....and I felt so cheated by his refusal to let me know from the very beginning that there would be no turning point....

After 2 years we discussed again and he agreed to keep his promise and return to NZ in 1 year but first he would need to talk to his parents and let them know....and he let me believe for 1 year this is what we would do, he did not have the courage to tell me the truth.

When I confronted him about the plans to move back....his response was that he let his parents know that I wanted to move back and he will not come with us...

I felt cheated and hurt... I wanted to leave in that very moment....and still I decided to stay and try other options, a job in the southern part of Europe, where maybe I could be happier....But, the job never came and our good relationship started to break, we started to fight ....and, in the end, after another year, I was not able to cope anymore, there were days when I did not see the light and the point of getting out of bed... so I left with the kids...

I am happy again, I feel alive ....but I miss my husband and somehow now I feel guilty for his unhappiness....I know it was not right to leave and take the kids but.....I had my reasons...


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Maybe you just ask for divorce, so you can get on with your life. I see not how this will work if he chooses his parents above you and the kids.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

What exactly is your husbands reason for chosing to stay with his parants? Im asking because i have i hard time beliving your husband.

I mean thereis nothing wrong about wantingto be close and help your
Mom and dad. But abandoningyour own kids? WTF isup with that.

Are you sure there arent some other reason? I mean seriously ,dropping of his own kids with out a care in the world,because of mom and dad. Its sounds to unbeliveble for me.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

He has this issue with his parents, he feels gulity that he abbandoned them when he left and emmigrated to NZ and for 10 years his parents made him feel guilty for their loneliness and unhappiness....
He is a good guy, always wanting to help others and now I feel for him because he is suffering. He says that sometimes he prays that this ordeal may be over, one way or the other....but he does not do anything about it...

I now feel guilty of leaving him the same way as he felt guilty of leaving his parents ...

He could find other ways, I know he could, he could work from here and could go twice a year and see his parents....but he wants to be closer...

If you ask him where his home is he would say anywhere, I would say NZ...


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

AnoukNZ, I have just moved to Austria with my husband and family to be near his parents. We have agreed that the move will be for one year. I am trying to love it here (wine! the opera! dirndls and beer!), but, I'm with you. It's awful. 

The people, for the most part, of course there are exceptions, won't speak to me. His extended family has made no effort to embrace us. They haven't invited us over and we've been here more than 3 months. Of course, we've invited them over several times.

I haven't made any Austrian friends, though there are some wonderful people from the former Yugoslavia and Turkey that are very kind. Unfortunately, German is a second language for all of us, and it's hard.

People just let doors slam in my face. They'll rush to shut the elevator door so that I can't get in. I feel invisible here.

I won't keep going, I just want you to know I totally understand. If my husband changed his mind and said he wanted to stay regardless of how I felt, I would do the same thing. I mean, I would offer compromises--another year, summers here, one year on and one year off even (maybe!). But to just stay? No. 

Good luck to you. Would your husband considering summering in Austria?


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

Thank you northernlights, I am happy you can relate and understand me. If you can speak German and only stay for 1 year you can enjoy all that this place has to offer and especially the proximity to so many other beautiful European cities...Do your kids go to international or German school? You may know that there are many public (state) bilingual schools there ( English-German).

I stayed for 4 years and it was way too much...no compromise was good enough, we could not afford summering in Austria or one year here, one there, he would not agree because he wanted us together and not moving the kids around, keeping 2 houses, spending a fortune on airfares for a family of 5...etc... Then there is the schooling issue, our eldest is 12 and needs stability, not changing schools every year...
I would love any compromise that could keep us together and happy...even if that means having a long distance relationship for a while..

I tried compromising but he was just not interested and very negative of any solution that I came up with... His only idea was to get a job in the southern France or Spain but the job did not come....and he wished we stayed regardless of how long would take, for ever if it took that long....

I guess I am left alone with deciding if this marriage is worth saving if the priorities are so mixed up...


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Yeah, the girls are in a public school, but the big girl's school is piloting a new bi-lingual program that she's in. All of her teachers speak at least some English, and they've been great about making sure she gets at least the basics of what's going on. Her German is coming along amazingly too. The littler one is in a kindergarten and she loves it there. She's picking up German too, but not as quickly. Me, I'm the worst of all!

The distance and expense of travel is so hard. I hope your husband comes home to you for Christmas and decides to never leave! How are the kids handling the separation? They must miss him so much too.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

Which district is your eldest's school in? 

My kids miss their father but they don't see it as a separation, just as a temporary situation, they talk and see each other almost daily on skype , many times twice a day. My eldest ( 12) said that he knows his dad will come to live here when he will want to be with us, and that we moved for him before, now is time that he moved for us...
They are much happy here in this schooling systems that they were in Austria...

I wish I knew what to do so that when he'll come for Christmas won't want to leave....

any ideas?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I don't know how the districts run, but we're in neider-osterriech (hopefully I spelled that right.)

I'm not surprised your kids like it better in NZ, frankly I'm shocked at what a b*** my older daughter's teacher is. Fortunately, the Kindergarten teacher my younger one has is an absolute sweetheart.

If it were my husband who I wanted to re-capture, I'd definitely use food.  That's the only thing I can think of.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

Hi Northernlights,

I wanted to send you a private message but I got back a message saying you can't receive them. 
Regarding location and schools, which city is the bilingual school, I did not know they have them outside Vienna and this is great in case we end up returning there...


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