# I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(



## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Hi everyone,
Something is wrong with me. For the last 2 weeks or so I've been having a hard time: 

1. Getting out of bed, 
2. Accomplishing anything done around the house
3. Being intimate with my husband (although I am pleasuring myself solo more than usual... Sorry if that's TMI!)
4. Grooming

I only work PT so I admit I have more free time than most women, but this was the lifestyle my husband and I agreed to. He's always supported it. It's a good fit for me because I LOVE all things domestic. Or, at least, I _used_ to... I _used _love to cook, clean, organize, etc. I _used_ take pride in making healthy meals, keeping a clean home and making future plans. I also _used_ try very hard to take care of myself (nails done, hair done, etc.). 

I told myself I'd never turn into one of those wives who comes home, puts her hair in a bun and plops on the couch only to offer "heat and eat" style meals with no sex for dessert due to being "too tired" or whatever. 

Now, before I anger anyone on here by the above paragraph let me say that I respect how other people want to live their lives and if you fit the description above I don't mean any disrespect. It's just not how I wanted to turn out. Some women think being a stay-at-home wife (part-time or full-time) like myself is a wasted life and I'm not offended. We choose to live our lives the way we want to, you know? My issue is that what used to make me happy no longer does and I don't know what to do... 

I know the reason for my unhappiness is because I feel so unappreciated. Like what I do isn't worth anything. What's the point in trying so hard if it's not mandatory? My husband thanks me for his meals, made bed, etc., and I know he used to brag to his friends about how he had a happy wife waiting for him at home, but if I were to stop doing all of these things I don't think he'd even ****ing notice. I feel like the way I want to live my life - the things that are important to me as mentioned above - don't mean **** to him. I'm starting to find it so much easier to slip into that wife I never wanted to be. To come home, laze around because I had a hard day at work and order take-out. I WISH he'd tell me that not cooking or cleaning or taking care of myself isn't acceptable. I work PT and in all honesty, the majority of the domestic duties SHOULD fall on me, but it's like he doesn't have that expectation of me.

His sister is the type of woman I said I never wanted to be, although I'm slowly turning into her. I admit her existence is a huge source of stress for me. (She's actually single with 2 children.) Anyway, I HATE how he's constantly supporting her decisions. We see her at least every other week and I don't want to be around her. She stays in her pajamas all day and watches reality TV while her children do... I'm not sure what. She orders pizza 3x/week and smokes around her baby. I've told him I don't like visiting her because her lifestyle is something I don't support and I just find it uncomfortable overall being there. (Her house is a sty and there's never anywhere to sit... I have to move garbage or clothes from the couch.) I think I'm JEALOUS of all the support she gets from people whereas I get **** all. I get ignored. Or told I'm high maintenance. I never though being high maintenance was a bad thing. Why am I so unacceptable, but a smoking mother living off take-out is A OK? (She doesn't work, either.) I'm over here working my tits off to be a Stepford Wife and my husband doesn't care. I admit my feelings are... insane... But I think I'm subconsciously mimicking her behaviour because I just want someone to notice me! To tell me that I was doing the right thing. That I'm making the right decisions. This whole pajama lifestyle is SO much easier than what I was trying to accomplish...

I don't think I even make sense. Sorry for the strange post. Maybe I'm just like a child, acting out in order to get attention. But I feel like I need attention and support and I'm not getting it and I just want to give up and sleep all day.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Any medical changes, drug change, birth control changes etc? Do you suffer form depression?

I'd say first rule out possible medical issues.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think that if you got a job and helped out financially, both you and your husband would be happier. One income never takes care of everything anymore and you usually find yourself getting aggravated because you can't have everything that most people have. You and your husband may have agreed to you just being domestic but maybe your finding that wasn't the best decision.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

uhtred said:


> Any medical changes, drug change, birth control changes etc? Do you suffer form depression?
> 
> 
> 
> I'd say first rule out possible medical issues.




I agree. Rule out the physical. Then rule our depression. If not those, it's then a relationship problem. Which means

Live like this forever
Get counseling and fix it
Divorce


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Any medical changes, drug change, birth control changes etc? Do you suffer form depression?
> 
> I'd say first rule out possible medical issues.


I do take birth control and a few weeks ago my packet got wet (dropped it in the toilet) so I lost a few days of pills. I'm not sure if that's enough to throw off all of my hormones? It's also why I haven't been intimate: I needed to wait for the cycle to regulate so I'd be fully protected. This is another thing I have an issue with: I take protecting myself from unwanted pregnancy VERY seriously and my husband just makes me feel paranoid or stupid for damaging the pill pack. But when I make a comment about how if his sister was more careful she wouldn't have 2 kids from 2 different dads suddenly I'm a heartless *****. It's another area I don't feel supported in.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I don't think I suffer from depression. We did just get hit with our first snowfall and the days are short now, but I think it affects me the same way it affects most people? I don't think I can blame the weather...

PS I just read the rules... I'll cut back on my swearing, .


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Why not get an UID and stop taking a pill each day? This is 2016.

Are you attracted to your husband? Has he let himself go?


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I think that if you got a job and helped out financially, both you and your husband would be happier. One income never takes care of everything anymore and you usually find yourself getting aggravated because you can't have everything that most people have. You and your husband may have agreed to you just being domestic but maybe your finding that wasn't the best decision.


I do have a job. I just don't work 50 hours/week. I work 30-35. I contribute financially. We actually have more than most because we both made a decent wage. (Well,I make decent and he makes a lot.) We're not in want of anything, but we can't go out and buy a new house, either. I'd say we're pretty comfortable.


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

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## phitigirl (Aug 11, 2016)

My initial thought was to ask you if it was possible that you were pregnant. When I first got pregnant with my youngest I had the same down type feelings all the time and had no idea why.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Why not get an UID and stop taking a pill each day? This is 2016.
> 
> Are you attracted to your husband? Has he let himself go?


I can't get an IUD because I've never had children yet.
And oh no! My husband is gorgeous. He's so fit. I really don't have any complaints about him physically. If only it were that simple...


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

MSalmoides said:


> My wife has been a SAHW/M for over 20 years. I admit there were times I did not show my appreciation for everything she'd done for us. But it went both ways, there were times she didn't appreciate what I did that gave her the option to stay at home. An unplanned pregnancy was something we definitely didn't want so I understand everything about that, your husband should too.
> 
> My wife had been on the pill for a long time. When she came off of it, she cycled from being in the bed all day one day to becoming Mrs. Hyde the next. It took a while to get things evened out, I remember she was put on some kind of hormone therapy. Then she just became lethargic. Later we found that she had an underactive thyroid and a Vitamin B deficiency. Once she started getting treatment, I got my old wife back.
> 
> ~MS


Maybe I really can blame the birth control and change in weather on my behaviour? I've only been like this for 2 weeks, but it's a 2 weeks so very unlike me. I'm usually up at 7 AM (I start work at 10 AM) preparing some meal, cleaning or exercising, but all I do now is sleep.
I did get checked otu for a Vitamin B deficiency a few months ago,b ut have been taking the appropriate medication to balance it out. I have an appointment with my doctor in the new year to re test.
I've also lost a bit of weight.


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I don't think I suffer from depression. We did just get hit with our first snowfall and the days are short now, but I think it affects me the same way it affects most people? I don't think I can blame the weather...
> 
> PS I just read the rules... I'll cut back on my swearing, .


Depression doesn't always mean sad it could mean apathy.


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

MSalmoides said:


> I am glad that you recognize this as a problem, whether it be a physical, emotional, or a combination thereof. Don't let it just go, find the reason(s) because you can spiral into this and the longer it goes the harder it is to get back. I would definitely keep looking at the physical angle, so many doctors dismiss women's complaints when they should be helping them to find the cause.
> 
> It seems like you've got quite a bit going on through. Are you bored?
> 
> ~MS


I am trying to figure this out. I don't think I'm bored? Like I said I do work, but part-time. I actually like my job...
A lot of my hobbies (and therefore my identity) are tied up in domestic things. Cooking, cleaning, etc. I don't just surface clean... I clean inside and out and I do a lot of home staging. I also cook full on gourmet meals. Again, I used to... NOw I Just sleep.

I also play competitive sports 2/x week. I'vebeen having a hard time showing up to games, though. I have to force myself. Oddly enough my teams are doing so well so it's not like playing isn't enjoyable.


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I am trying to figure this out. I don't think I'm bored? Like I said I do work, but part-time. I actually like my job...
> A lot of my hobbies (and therefore my identity) are tied up in domestic things. Cooking, cleaning, etc. I don't just surface clean... I clean inside and out and I do a lot of home staging. I also cook full on gourmet meals. Again, I used to... NOw I Just sleep.
> 
> I also play competitive sports 2/x week. I'vebeen having a hard time showing up to games, though. I have to force myself. Oddly enough my teams are doing so well so it's not like playing isn't enjoyable.


Think back to the first day you felt like this. Then carefully comb through the week previous to that, and catalog everything that changed during that time. That includes "one-off" events that are not normal, that effected you emotionally when they occurred. Like "My husband's sister came over, and really upset me by doing such and such".

Perhaps that will help you find the source.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

BioFury said:


> Think back to the first day you felt like this. Then carefully comb through the week previous to that, and catalog everything that changed during that time. That includes "one-off" events that are not normal, that effected you emotionally when they occurred. Like "My husband's sister came over, and really upset me by doing such and such".
> 
> Perhaps that will help you find the source.


The source is 2 weeks ago my SIL had a baby. Another baby. Another baby with no father, I should add. This is a huge source of conflict for me because her decisions concerning children violate my entire moral code. (I don't think any more detail on this is required, but I can give it if anyone needs it for clarification.) In sum, everything I believe in she and his family don't. (My husband is the exception... Otherwise I never would have married him.)

I know I can't tell people how to live their lives and everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I don't want to be around a group of people that aren't on the same page as me concerning finances, child rearing, housekeeping, spousal relationships, health, etc. I've always differed from them on this and my husband says he "wants" to be like me concerning these life approaches, but sometimes, I doubt him. Or, I'm terrified he doesn't actually want what I want. Up until this baby we had put sufficient space between them so I thought things were OK, but now he wants to go there every weekend. No. I don't want to spend my Saturdays like that. When I tell him to go without me he gets SO upset. His sister's husband doesn't get on with their family either and he NEVER goes to any social calls, events, etc. I'm jealous of him, too - although I'd never want the relationship he and he wife have, but that's another issue altogether...

I think that's why I'm rebelling by being lazy. I want him to tell me it's not OK to come home, hop into my pajamas and sit on the couch. There's dinner to be made, a house to be cleaned, a dog to be walked, sex to have, etc. This is how his 2 sisters and mother live and I always told him how unfitting for ME it was. (His mother didn't work at all and played Candy Crush all day, just to give an example.) 

Now that this is all off my chest, I need to STFU. Like the above poster's tagline: Not my circus, not my clowns. They're not going anywhere so I need to learn how to cope. I don't need my husband's validation. It'd be nice to have, but the only person you have in this world is yourself so I need to embrace that without resenting my husband. As far as husbands go, he's more useful and attentive than most so although this is a big issue, it's one issue and I have to let it go. It has to start with me and my attitude.

I'll go grab a coffee and Google roast recipes. We have an awesome roast I should have cooked, but didn't have the appetite or desire to do so. A roast will be nice on a day like today.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Thank you all so much for your helpful replies. I feel much better. Still a little sad, but it was nice to post myself out and not be made to feel like a monster because I feel the way I feel.

Thank you, everyone, .


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I can't get an IUD because I've never had children yet.
> And oh no! My husband is gorgeous. He's so fit. I really don't have any complaints about him physically. If only it were that simple...


I have an IUD and don't have children. Yes, it's harder for women that haven't had children but that doesn't keep you from getting one. 

It sounds like depression to me. If it's only been a few weeks, then I wouldn't stress out too much over it. But if it drags out longer, talk to your doctor.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This isn't a medical issue. It's an issue of you becoming disenchanted with your marriage and your day-to-day life (i.e. entanglement with his family, wondering what's down the road for you two, are you being supported or supplanted, are you losing your identity, is he taking you for granted, etc.). 

I would first recommend reading His Needs Her Needs, so you'll understand what a healthy marriage looks like. Share what you learn with your husband. Set up monthly 'state of the marriage' meetings where you both safely discuss how you feel things are going. The key here is to discuss issues before they become resentments and you shut down communication.

Him getting upset when you don't want to be with his family...there's more to that story. Does he worry about looking bad to them? Does he have to please them? At your expense? Is he used to you doing what he wants and he doesn't like dissent? Are you being rude about them and he feels he has to choose? Think about it.

Who's alluding to you being a monster? Your husband? His sister? Parents?

You DO sound pretty judgmental. Does he go on about how worthless or stupid or whatever YOUR family is? If he did, how would you feel? It doesn't sound like you're being cognizant of your husband's feelings. I'm not saying you should hang out with them all the time; just that you should be your H's biggest supporter, and he yours. Couples lose sight of that sometimes.

After reading HNHN, explain it to him and then do the EN and LB questionnaires together. That will be a good start.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

turnera said:


> This isn't a medical issue. It's an issue of you becoming disenchanted with your marriage and your day-to-day life (i.e. entanglement with his family, wondering what's down the road for you two, are you being supported or supplanted, are you losing your identity, is he taking you for granted, etc.).
> 
> I would first recommend reading His Needs Her Needs, so you'll understand what a healthy marriage looks like. Share what you learn with your husband. Set up monthly 'state of the marriage' meetings where you both safely discuss how you feel things are going. The key here is to discuss issues before they become resentments and you shut down communication.
> 
> ...


You're probably right. I'm a very blunt and straight forward person so we definitely talked about day-to-day expectations before we got married. I said, verbatim: "I will not spend every weekend with your family or mine. We're young and child free and now is the time to travel, spend time with friends, etc." He agreed in words, but not in action to my satisfaction. He goes off every chance he can get to spend time with his family and that bothers me. It even hurts my feelings. I wish it didn't, but it really does. Why? Because how one chooses to spend their time is a reflection of their hobbies, personality, future plans, desires, etc. I told him I want to him to go make a friend. Spend time with healthy, happy and functioning people. I'm terrified we're going to get dragged down with his family if we keep in such constant contact with them. 

I'm the type of person whom gets VERY affected by my environment. My husband can shrug off their toxicity, but I leave feeling anxious depressed and overall paranoid for my future. (It works both ways too in that if I'm in a happy and healthy environment I feed off it.)

He got off work early today due to a snow storm and he came home, plowed through some cleaning (which I know was just to please me and shut me up) and go off and visit them. He doesn't want to be here. And I don't want him to be here if he doesn't want to. If they were offering some grand life that was better than what we have I wouldn't care so much. I'd probably go over and join him. But they don't offer anything and it makes me feel like I offer even less. I don't want to feel like the poop on poop. (Yes, I'm calling them poop, but if you knew these people you'd understand.) I wish I could compare it to something, but it's almost like getting passed over for a promotion at work because your co-worker is full of sob stories, hard times, etc., but has no real skills for the job. I don't like feeling like this. 

Aside: He doesn't really say much about my family because they're all relatively normal. We also don't spend that much time with them (I consider it a normal amount). My mom has also helped him out and supported him more than his own family ever has and I know he loves having her, but is embarrassed his family doesn't do for him what she does. 

You know those people who latch onto people who treat them like garbage and neglect the ones who treat them well? That's what I feel like is going on and it's rattling me to the core.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he feels he has to 'earn' their approval, he'll end up spending the rest of his life trying to attain it. At your expense.

If he just feels more comfortable with them than with you, that's concerning; it could be from a dozen different reasons. Maybe the EN and LB questionnaires will help get to the bottom of it.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

bad news: it's going to be on you to fix this
awesome news: you spotted it so soon

bad news: it is a form of depression and is going to just get worse if you let it continue.

good news: it's more about that your life has entered a kind of humdrum phase, and so your body/brain is adapting to the lower level of drive (see previous b.news.)

A large amount of this could be physical changes. Chances are a huge amount is influenced by diet. If you're a person that enjoys coffee, that would be the first thing to stop - chances are your body has finally built a tolerance to your current addiction level, so instead of getting your normal kickstart, you're just flatline. Problem with addiction is when the body starts adapting it gets better at it in the future.
Things like S.A.D. will also hit you worse.

More bad news: if you were the meal manufacturer in the relationship, dropping meal quality because your falling attention levels, is a spiralling effect. One that plagues many people suffering from depression or anxiety related conditions. Make a special effort to ensure good quality meals, from somewhere. Also try varying your gluten intake to see if it affects your mood or energy level, not all gluten or gluten products are equal, so if a bread or pastry maker's supplier has changed their component supplier it can affect your mental health! Also consider a daily intake of apple cider vinegar with "mother" to keep intestinal pH at level for favourable minibiology; once again a fluctuation in diet can quickly make pathogen changes in this area which leads to increased toxicity and decreased energy (something in the region of 40% of "you" by body weight exists in this area of "your" body, don't overlook their influence on the rest of you which depends on that part working properly.

more good news: you're at an excellent point to start revaluating where the two of you want to go with your lives. for most people this doesn't occur for about 5-10 years when the habits and goals are too hard to break. You're on this early, so you get a chance to think about what would excite you going forwards.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

It's his family, it's where he came from and he loves them. If he stays away he will miss them and if they die he will be devastated. To you the baby maybe a product of a bad life decision but to him it's an innocent child and his niece. Like it or not they are part of who he is. Are his family beneath your standards, yes; and maybe even beneath HIS OWN standards. But any implication that your family is better than his, verbalized or otherwise is an insult to who he is.

I'm not defending his family or their lifestyle choices. I wouldn't spend time in such an environment if I can help it. But if you push him too far he will be forced to make a choice between his family and you. You WILL NOT like his choice.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> It's his family, it's where he came from and he loves them. If he stays away he will miss them and if they die he will be devastated. To you the baby maybe a product of a bad life decision but to him it's an innocent child and his niece. Like it or not they are part of who he is. Are his family beneath your standards, yes; and maybe even beneath HIS OWN standards. But any implication that your family is better than his, verbalized or otherwise is an insult to who he is.
> 
> I'm not defending his family or their lifestyle choices. I wouldn't spend time in such an environment if I can help it. But if you push him too far he will be forced to make a choice between his family and you. You WILL NOT like his choice.


This makes a lot of sense to me, especially your line about my implications (which I'm sure I'm giving even if I'm trying to hide them) about his family. He knows how I feel. I'm sure they even know and I bet they don't like being around me just as much as I don't like being around them. Ironically, they're the "better" people by tolerating my judging and overall poor attitude. That's something to chew on for sure...

One thing I HATE in life are hypocrites and it would be extremely hypocritical of me to be angry with him for not supporting who I am (i.e. someone with higher standards than his family) when I'm not supporting who he is (i.e. someone willing to love people beneath his standards). It's almost like we're not accepting each other are we are? My biggest issue is I don't feel valued for being who I am and believing in what I believe in, but I guess I'm doing the exact same thing to him. It's pretty enlightening to realize I've been a big old hypocrite!

Maybe it does have to start with me. Now that I feel more equal (in that he's treating me the way I'm treating him) I think I can WANT to change my attitude towards them.

Thank you so much for saying you wouldn't want to be around them, either. It really is them against me so I always end up feeling like a monster for disliking them because no one *gets* me.

However, I think he WOULD choose me and I think that's why I'm pushing him. He's chosen me before in that I *got* him to completely cut off contact with them completely when they were at their most toxic. It was during our wedding planning and I straight up didn't want them bringing me down during that happy time in my life. I don't regret pushing him for that. Maybe when we have a baby I can insist further separation for our safety, but now I think I'll just submit. They're not going to bring me down if I don't let them and I just have to support him, but be on my guard and not let them be too involved in our lives.

There's so much I want to say about them. If I can't get validation and confirmation from my husband that they're complete nut jobs maybe I'll feel better if I get it from people on the Internet, but that's probably not the healthiest approach, either.


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

UnicornCupcake said:


> One thing I HATE in life are hypocrites
> 
> It really is them against me so I always end up feeling like a monster for disliking them because no one *gets* me.
> 
> ...


Ironic, much? You say you're no hypocrite, but you are hell bent on excising them 100% out of your lives because YOU don't like them. You agree with us in one breath to be a more decent person and in the very next breath you just reiterate how disgusting and worthless they all are.

You have NO INTENTION of looking at YOUR failings. You just want to be right.

I could get that if every single one of them had a certified mental condition like BPD or bipolar or schizophrenic. 

But that's not the issue, is it? 

It's that they are BENEATH you. In YOUR mind. You are judge and jury and he had damn well better agree with you...or else.

fwiw, it has been my experience that the less you have in life, the nicer a person you are. But all I hear from you is how deplorable they all are, how 'not good enough' they are. How they aren't as...whatever...as you are.

It sounds to me like you're determined to turn him into a project or a clone, to be or want or care about what YOU want. Not very attractive, Unicorn. And you can bet if that's what I see out here in neverland, your husband feels it ten times over. 

Warning: he won't choose to do it your way forever, especially if you insist on this my way or the highway routine. You'll become too intractable and too much work and not enough benefit.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

MSalmoides said:


> @UnicornCupcake my side of the family is a freak show. My marriage has lasted longer than the combined multiple marriages of just about everyone, and the fact that I was in a stable marriage before having a child was alien to them. There are more baby daddies and baby mommies...I swear I gave up on trying to remember who screwed whom to spawn which offspring. Living off the government to boot. I ignore it all now. It took a while for my wife to be at peace with the bad behavior enabler culture of my family. Now she's like "meh." Find peace with the life you love and ignore the freak show.
> 
> Not my circus, not my clowns. Just a small insight into one reason that is in my signature.
> 
> ~MS


This sounds a lot like them... His mother killed herself 6 months ago because she was SO unhappy with her life and no one will admit that's what she did. (There was a note.) They won't acknowledge it as a suicide. THAT'S how toxic they are. They enable and bury their heads in the sand because they don't want to accept that their actions have consequences. That their lifestyles are poison. I noticed something off about his mom a year before it happened and I told them I think she's at risk for suicide, but no one listened to me. In their heads, everything was OK. 

Any insight on how to reach her level of indifference/acceptance would be appreciated. I'd love to able to be "meh" about them, but I live in this constant fear that they're poisoning me. That they're going to ruin my life. I don't want to end up like his mom... A sad woman living in a sad marriage with a sad life.

I know he'll want to visit them today, and I'm going to insist I don't go while trying not to put them down. Visiting them doesn't make me happy. It makes me sad and anxious and depressed and I need to focus on getting better. If that means putting more space between them then that's what I Have to do. We all like to blame people for our problems and if that's what I'm doing I don't care... As long as it works and I feel better. If he wants to go visit them, he can. But he'll wonder why I'm not in the mood to have sex later. We won't spend any time together until bed time and I just will feel too detached to bother.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

turnera said:


> Ironic, much? You say you're no hypocrite, but you are hell bent on excising them 100% out of your lives because YOU don't like them. You agree with us in one breath to be a more decent person and in the very next breath you just reiterate how disgusting and worthless they all are.
> 
> You have NO INTENTION of looking at YOUR failings. You just want to be right.
> 
> ...


Damn Janice, things don't change over night do they. Of course I'm flipping from wanting to do one thing in one breath to regressing back the next. I hate these people. I have to retrain my entire way of thinking and punch holes in my entire moral code just to stomach them.

And if there comes a time he won't choose me, I'll leave him. It really is that simple. My mental health and happiness is too important to sacrifice. Even for my husband. I won't stay in an unhappy marriage. THat's what happened to his mother and I refuse to go out like that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Damn Janice, things don't change over night do they. Of course I'm flipping from wanting to do one thing in one breath to regressing back the next. I hate these people. I have to retrain my entire way of thinking and punch holes in my entire moral code just to stomach them.
> 
> And if there comes a time he won't choose me, I'll leave him. It really is that simple. My mental health and happiness is too important to sacrifice. Even for my husband. I won't stay in an unhappy marriage. THat's what happened to his mother and I refuse to go out like that.


Do you think you are basically losing respect for your husband because of how passive he is being with his family? 

There is nothing wrong with having values and taking a stand for those values. It shows character, and a spine.


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I hate these people. I have to retrain my entire way of thinking and punch holes in my entire moral code just to stomach them.


Legit question. If you knew this about them before you married your husband, what was your ultimate hope that you would get him to completely cut off contact with them forever? Why would you marry a man whose family's moral code makes you want to vomit? 

As someone who had to cut-off toxic in-laws for my own mental health, it isn't that I don't understand the need but what was the desired outcome here?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Legit question. If you knew this about them before you married your husband, what was your ultimate hope that you would get him to completely cut off contact with them forever? Why would you marry a man whose family's moral code makes you want to vomit?
> 
> As someone who had to cut-off toxic in-laws for my own mental health, it isn't that I don't understand the need but what was the desired outcome here?


Not sure what the OP will say, but it could be that she was young and naive when they first met. Or maybe the sil did not have any kids then.

And, of course, love can be blind.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I know he'll want to visit them today, and I'm going to insist I don't go while trying not to put them down. Visiting them doesn't make me happy. It makes me sad and anxious and depressed and I need to focus on getting better. If that means putting more space between them then that's what I Have to do. We all like to blame people for our problems and if that's what I'm doing I don't care... As long as it works and I feel better. If he wants to go visit them, he can. But he'll wonder why I'm not in the mood to have sex later. We won't spend any time together until bed time and I just will feel too detached to bother.


Good that you're trying not to put them down. That never works because he'll feel he has to defend them.

The better way to address this is without emotion. To point out that you're your own person and you have the right to your own opinion and feelings, just like he does. And in this area, you two are incompatible. Kind of like the couple who agrees not to discuss politics. Don't make it a battle. It's the battle that's causing you to not want sex; you see that, right? So just make this one of those things that you two don't do together.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You sound very young and immature. How old are you? Don't take offense to what I'm saying, I'm just giving my honest opinion to help. How long have you been married? 
Who cares about your SIL. You sound like a jealous hater. Who cares what she does, you sound like you are so full of yourself with how you speak about her. Get over yourself, that is your husbands sister and he is going to love her unconditionally. Maybe you should be more loving and sympathetic to her situation instead of jealous of her attention. 
Your unhappy probably because you had an Image in your head with how your life was going to be and it's not like that at all. Let go of that imagine and start to live the life that makes you happy. 
A lot of people have this Image in their head that staying home would be great and they have this unrealistic expectation from it. The reality is, cleaning and cooking suck when you have to do it so often. That's life.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Reading through your thread you reek of judgment, entitlement, nagging, needy, high maintenance, and overall a wet rag. I wouldn't want to come home and spend much time with you either. You 100% need to change your attitude, stop thinking your better than his family because at the end of the day no one wants to hang out with someone who isn't fun, and who makes them feel bad about themselves, or who isn't good enough. I don't care if people are trashy or classy, if they are fun and I have fun around them I will keep hanging out with them.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

More kindness, less judgement...

"I hate these people" is the biggest thing that stood out from everything I have read so far...

Everything else was a wonderful work in progress of understanding your values and how they need to interface in situations you dislike and with people who may choose poorly, but still value relationships over mistakes.

Valuable contributions and many different aspects to look at and digest.

But to hate these people... that just hurts a heart to hear.

One can easily hold their values, maintain their morals, be disappointed in the actions of other without hate. 

Every step we can take to remove fostered resentment and selfish judgements is a transforming step... because without them they limit our happiness in so many ways.

Think about how best to free yours...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

@Emerging Buddhist I love when you talk lol


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I have to get something off of my chest ASAP, before I return home to my husband. (Was running errands all day.) I'll respond to the comments later, I don't want anyone to think I'm avoiding some of the harsher responses, but I have to get this off my chest before I lose my s***!

First of all, I'm an animal activist. I feel very strongly for animals and my dog is literally my child. Another issue I've had with his family (yes, another issue-) is how irresponsible they are with pets. In the past 12 months they've rehomed a husky, an --English Bulldog and 2 cats. 

When my husband and I were looking for a new place last year we asked his mother (before she killed herself) if she wanted us to take the husky. She didn't walk him and they were also moving to a much smaller house with no yard so he'd need to be walked. She never walked him (and I knew she never would), but it wasn't an issue in their old house because they had a huge lot. She said no. No way was I taking that dog from her. Ok. When we were choosing between two houses I gave her one final conversation about this dog. (One house had a huge lot the other did not and if she didn't watt he husky we'd take the house with the bigger lot and the husky.) Nope. She didn't budge. 6 months later (after they've moved into their new house with no yard) she gave the dog away. Got tired of his fur and having to take him out. SERIOUSLY? Then she bought an English Bulldog. Got rid of him because he was too hyper. I told her the second she brought that dog home they were a high maintenance breed. They're not for lazy people. Another dog gone. Then she got a cat. Got rid of it because it threw up all over the house one day. 

His sister moved three times in 1 year. She had a small dog. When we saw this dog 3 months ago it looked like one of those starving animals you see on the commercials. When I told her she needed to take him to the vet ASAP her response was she couldn't afford it. Then she bought pizza. Ok? I told her I'd be willing to take the dog to the vet in lieu of getting her children Christmas presents. I also told her that this dog will die if she doesn't seek care. I even threatened to call the SPCA on her. She was not having this. Anyway, I just learned the dog died. OF STARVATION. This dog lost her teeth and was terrorized bynew new cats (which she also plans to get rid of) She didn't even take the dog to the vet! BUt she had a couple hundred dollars to order food for her birthdya tomorrow?

Can you seriously blame me for dislking and wanting to spit on these people? You know what else? She will get another dog! I KNOW she will.

Was I aware they were this insane when we met? No. But you know what. I'm done being upset with myself for thinking so lowly of them. THEY ARELOWLY.

I"M REELING. I WILL CAL THE POLICE IF SHEGETS ANOTHER PET


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wow, that's terrible.

Definitely report her to whomever you can regarding pet issues. 

Glad you are not questioning your feelings anymore. Sounds like you have them for a reason.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

UnicornCupcake;17013281[B said:


> ]I do take birth control and a few weeks ago my packet got wet (dropped it in the toilet) so I lost a few days of pills. I'm not sure if that's enough to throw off all of my hormones? [/B]It's also why I haven't been intimate: I needed to wait for the cycle to regulate so I'd be fully protected. This is another thing I have an issue with: I take protecting myself from unwanted pregnancy VERY seriously and my husband just makes me feel paranoid or stupid for damaging the pill pack. But when I make a comment about how if his sister was more careful she wouldn't have 2 kids from 2 different dads suddenly I'm a heartless *****. It's another area I don't feel supported in.


A lot of women have TERRIBLE reactions to hormone-based birth control. Especially after missing a pill or two. I felt exactly like you and also had terrible migraine headaches while on my last prescription. I've been hormone-free for 3 months and am feeling wonderful - back to old my self! 

Regarding the pill, the rhythm aka pull-out method (if done correctly) has proven to be almost as effective. There's a lot of cool apps where you can track the days you are ovulating and either avoid having sex those days or use a condom. 

I'd also consider seeing a therapist to deal with some of the issues you've mentioned. For me, therapy has been a God-send in dealing with life's (many) challenges. Having to face that level of animal cruelty from a "loved-one" would make me not only depressed, but probably physically ill. Sending you hugs and strength for standing up for those without voices. 

Ps. The supplement Evening Primrose is AWESOME for getting hormones back on track.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I woke up feeling really sad. And angry. And guilty I want to hit her and scream at my husband for not allowing me take the dog because "it wasn't our problem" because I think the dog could have been saved if taken to a vet. My guess is she needed to change her food to a specific diet that was more friendly to her physically (due to not having teeth) and biologically (she was an extra small dog and small breeds aren't always OK at eating cheap grocery store brands). [Aside: I have a small dog and she eats anything so I'm not hating on basic brands, but as a pet owner you should be able to tell whether or not what you're giving the animal is working. If they're throwing up constantly, clearly that product is not working!] The last issue is that she refused to surrender the pet. When she was complaining about not having enough money (due to just having a baby) to take the dog to the vet I told her the Humane Society will take the pet (as a surrender) if she goes and explains herself. "I'm not giving up my dog," was her response. 

So, to the poster who told me to be a less judgmental and more open (or whatever) my answer is no. The dog was the last straw for me. I'm tired of trying to like them. Tired of trying to figure out what's wrong with me for not liking them and how to fix it. They don't deserve that kind of attention or effort. They're almost inhumane. (Don't even get me started on how before his mother killed herself she racked up credit debt and tried to cheat on their dad.) Now? I'm just going to work on indifference. I'm just going to work on a way to let them exist without letting them affect me.

The problem is, we're supposed to visit them later. I don't want to. All that happens whenever we visit is hours go by and I ask to leave and my husband says, "ALREADY?" so I'm made to feel like a ***** for wanting to get out of there. Don't even get me started on the food they ordered. I can't eat it. I'm on the toilet for days so I have to roll up with a salad looking like an absolute ass. We'll also end up sitting on the floor because she doesn't have furniture. Why am I the ass for not wanting to eat crap? Or to sit on the floor? It's not like I can sit on my phone and drown them out, either. He doesn't like that. But we're not talking about anything, either. Usually just gossip about neighbours. It's so unfair. His other sister's husband dislikes them all as well and he never goes to any of these things, but if I don't my husband gets so upset. Why even want me there when I clearly don't want to be there? Why can't he just let me stay home without it being a big deal? Why are my reasons to want to stay home and not see them so invalid? If we only saw them once a month I coul dhandle myself, but every other week, sometimes every week is too much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We already told you how to handle visiting them: just don't go. He can't 'make' you go; only YOU can do that. You have a lot of anger at people - including your husband - over whom you have no control. You really should start going to therapy for that.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Your husband knows how you feel about his family and yet insists on going over there every weekend or every other week anyway. Apparently for hours. Personally that seems really, really attached to be hanging out with them literally every weekend. Why doesn't he want to spend time just the two of you alone? 

That would be my real problem with all of this. 

All of the background reasons about why you don't like them are really secondary because ignoring them won't fix the issue with your husband being over there constantly. I'd say the two of you need to work on that.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You need to learn how to get along with his family even if you don't like them. I agree with you that you shouldn't go over there every weekend or whatever. Don't go. Have an adult conversation with your husband and come to an agreement with how much he wants to visit with them. He can go by himself sometimes. Maybe you should invite them over your house once a month and be a nice host. This way you can control the food and the environment and still maintain some sort of relationship with them.
Another thing is... you need to learn how to be civil and respectful of people even if you disagree with them. Even if you hate their viewpoint. This is a maturity thing. You need to realize that people are allowed their own opinion (even if it's stupid) and you have to respect it. That is being a mature adult.
Your marriage will not last if something doesn't give. I think you should lessen how often you see them but when you do make an honest effort to be nice and friendly and make a relationship with these people. One day you guys will have kids and he is going to want his kids to be with his family. You need to work it out.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Actions speak louder than words. This is less about his family and more about your husband and your marriage. Your husband is showing you by his actions that his family is important to him. You need to listen to that. He is also telling you that it's important to him that you to get along with his family. 
You guys need to figure out how you can spend time with his family that you are both comfortable with. If you love your husband you will find a way to get along with his family.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Your mind seems made up for many things fueled by how you see and project... 

The Buddha said, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

You can be a pyromaniac, or a firefighter... in the end, what we turn into is in our own control.

Unless you would like to ask something of me, I will respectfully bow out.

May you find the peace you are looking for.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Hi everyone!
In sum, the visit went well. 

I had to fight with all my might not to pry into the situation concerning the dog and I even bit my tongue when her son was showing me videos of the new "doggy" he wanted to get. Their old dog is currently in a box in their (shared - it's a co-op town home) backyard. (Ew.) I can't control what they do. I can't even voice my opinion because they don't see anything they're doing (concerning animals) as wrong. Her son was showing my these videos _while_ she was talking about how she's planning to get rid of her cats. My plan is to call the SPCA anonymously if they do get another pet. That's all I think I can do. Communication will cause problems and if I have to do what I think is right passive aggressively (I'll deny it if they ask me if I called), then so be it. This issue is done and over with.

My new plan is to go visit them, but only on special occasions. Birthdays. Christmas. That's it. If my husband wants to go, he's welcome to it. A little space between him and I is probably a good idea, too. (To the poster who asked about how much time we spend together the answer is a lot: We have the same hobbies and we play on the same team so 3 evenings/week we are either playing together or supporting each other. In comparison to "other" couples in my social circle we spend a lot of time together.) When we have plans we don't see them, but I feel on the weekends we don't (which is about every other weekend as we're relatively social, but definitely don't go out every weekend) he wants to go to them. I wish he'd want to limit this to 1x/month, but the choice is his. I have more than enough hobbies to keep me busy.

What broke my heart was seeing how happy he was while there. He wanted to hold the new baby. Skype his family in Europe and play with the older children. He was smiling a lot and I don't want to take that away from him. He was supportive of when I wanted to leave, as well. (We agreed on a 2 h visit.) His sister made a comment about why I'm leaving and I just said "I have stuff to do." She said, "You always have stuff to do." I left it at that. The biggest difference between his family and mine is that I can't sit and chit chat all night. I get antsy and need to move around. They are very much couch sitters which is cool, but I wish they'd understand why I can't do it.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I hope I can get through this, but it's going to take a lot of energy and effort and more posts


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Your doing the right things. You need to realize that not everyone is as smart and educated and values the same things as you. And there is no changing these people so don't waste your energy and don't get frustrated. You can't expect anyone to be anything other that what they are. "Lower class" people are going to act like lower class people. Stop expecting otherwise. You need to be the nice, smart classy person that you are and just live by example and smile and be nice and make people feel comfortable. 
Another thing is... how you treat people says more about you than it does about them. Be nice to them and treat them with respect Bc YOU are nice and respectful. My favorite quote... how you make others feel about themselves says a lot about who you are. Don't make your husbands family feel second class or inferior to you. That's not nice and that's not the person you want to be. Good luck!!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> You sound very young and immature. How old are you? Don't take offense to what I'm saying, I'm just giving my honest opinion to help. How long have you been married?
> Who cares about your SIL. You sound like a jealous hater. Who cares what she does, you sound like you are so full of yourself with how you speak about her. Get over yourself, that is your husbands sister and he is going to love her unconditionally. Maybe you should be more loving and sympathetic to her situation instead of jealous of her attention.
> Your unhappy probably because you had an Image in your head with how your life was going to be and it's not like that at all. Let go of that imagine and start to live the life that makes you happy.
> A lot of people have this Image in their head that staying home would be great and they have this unrealistic expectation from it. The reality is, cleaning and cooking suck when you have to do it so often. That's life.




IDK. To me it seems that OP is upset because she isn't the highest priority in her husband's life. That he is putting something- family or work- ahead of her and she resents it.


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## jess79 (Oct 14, 2015)

You say you respect other people's way of life, yet you resent your husband for being there for his sister strictly because of her not doing all that you do. Who cares if her house is messy.. You don't have to live there. As long as she's taking care of her kids who cares if she hasnt folded her laundry, etc. 

On the other hand, talk to your husband. Tell him what's bothering you. Then go see your doctor. Sounds like depression although I'm no doctor. 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> IDK. To me it seems that OP is upset because she isn't the highest priority in her husband's life. That he is putting something- family or work- ahead of her and she resents it.




Or she's needy and controlling and judgmental. When you get married you marry the family. Every other week or once a week is not asking too much. If she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to. But her attitude toward them, her complaining and putting them down and making it very obvious that she feels that she is better than them therefore she needs more attention and her husband has to agree with her is a huge problem. Her lack of respect for her husband and his family is the real problem.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Susan Summers has excellent books on hormones and balancing them. Read them. 

Maybe you and your H can start working out together at a good quality health club. I did so with my W. I got her a female trainer as I knew Spouses really can't teach each other and benefit. 

Our personal lives improved as we had something new to do together. As we got in shape, more fun at home happened too! When you're in shape and drop the yucky flab lots of things get fun! 

So what if we are all over each other in bed more than we were before. It's our business!! ;-)


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