# Moving & Future In-Law Situation(s)



## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Haven't posted in a VERY long time but a conversation has come with DH and I need some input.

Married 10 yrs and I own the home which was purchased before marriage. We need to move for several reasons and the two main ones are that the community we live in is going down hill pretty fast and has voted in an HOA. Also to get closer to where DH works. He drive 100+ miles a day back and forth for work and he is not getting any younger. I have always had a problem with my SIL and the way DH is always to her rescue (she is an unmarried 50+yo woman by choice). I have been put on the back burner for most of the marriage and just something I have gotten use to.

Anyway, when we move, the new house will be in both our names (which is what I expected). Also that the discussion came up that if and when his sister cannot take care of herself anymore due to age that he would not abandon her and she would probably live with us. I told him off the bat there is no way that she would live with us. I cannot stand her and we do not get along at all. She undermines me and always gets her way with my DH. She knows what she is doing and enjoys that it interferes with our marriage. Every time she needs him for something he will leave work early to do whatever she needs but if I ask him to leave early he comes up with excuses. He has also made it clear to me that he would choose her over me at a moments notice because she is blood and his sister. He blew up yelling and screaming for like a half hour over this and kept on saying I am heartless and if my sister needed a place he would never turn his back on her. I told him that's because you get along with my sister who is NOT needy and WHO IS MARRIED and you are agreeing to something that would probably never happen!!! .

I am now at a fork in the road which is going to shape my future. It has come to the point where I hate where I live and am unhappy with the changes in our community but of course, DH has not problem with it because he works from sun-up to sundown and is oblivious to what is going on. On the other hand if we move, then the house goes in both our names and he has every say in who can live within it in the future (hence why I mentioned his reaction to his sister possibly living with us as she gets older). I am unsure if I am jumping the gun and looking to far ahead or if being proactive is a good thing.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you own your house right now then you shouldn’t put your husbands name on the deeds of the new place. If he’s determined to get a place between you then you should buy an investment property of your own with your equity from the house you currently own. Then he can look for a mortgage of his own. 
But you know all this and you know what’s going to happen down the road. Stop wringing your hands and be proactive.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

I will try to have this discussion with him but he is not talking to me. I just have to choose my words wisely which I do have a problem with. I was thinking of saying something like if you want your sister to live with us in the future and not even consider my feelings on the subject, then I have no problem with you owning the home outright and having the mortgage in your name only, but, the equity that I get from selling my home will go towards my uses (whether it be an investment property or other means). He will probably go off the deep end AGAIN because he makes more money than I do and contributes way more to the bills here since our marriage 10 years ago.

How does my approach sound?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

IMO, a man's hierarchy is God (if he's a man of faith), then spouse, then kids, then extended family, then friends, then all others.

Your husband has mixed up his priorities. 

How to make him see that is the hard part.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You could always buy a duplex and rent out half until the time comes for SIL to move in then stick her in the other unit. Or make sure the house you buy can have an inlaw addition added in the future. Those options keep her out of your personal space. 

I think it's very ****ty of your husband to insist she will live with you, and even worse that he would pick her over you. I'm not sure how you get past those type of comments.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You know what’s coming so you need to protect yourself as best you can.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So. I was in a long term relationship with a man who has a brother he wants to take care of as as we all age. When contemplating possible marriage to this man, we had some discussions about this. There was no way I was going to get married to and join financially with a man who would potentially use OUR funds to support the brother without me knowing exactly what it could entail.

Instead of having a mature honest discussion with me, he devolved to yelling at me and slamming a door. Neither of us have a ton of $$ and there most likely will not be not be enough in retirement to comfortably support _three older adults_, instead of just us as a couple. I put the question to him: what if brother and I both needed an expensive surgery at the same time, who would get the $$ for the surgery? This in a scenario in which we were married, me having joined all of MY life savings with his as well as ongoing income, so we were not talking about just his $$ but as a married couple he potentially could be spending my life resources as well....

His answer was to scream, I can't believe you'd make me choose.

Yeah, let that sink in. I was down the line in priority after his brother. Note that the answer wasn't-- this is our life together, our finances, I want to help my brother but of course _you and I and our life and health together will always comes first_.

It sounds like you are sort of caught in the same kind of dynamic. It does not sound like it's your life together, you and your husband, as the main unit.

I ended my relationship with that man. I want to be in a relationship where my partner and I make financial and life decisions that affect both of us and our life together, someone I feel safe with to hold our life as a couple as the priority.

Have you tried counseling?

Have you ever contemplated divorce?


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> If you own your house right now then you shouldn’t put your husbands name on the deeds of the new place. If he’s determined to get a place between you then you should buy an investment property of your own with your equity from the house you currently own. Then he can look for a mortgage of his own.
> But you know all this and you know what’s going to happen down the road. Stop wringing your hands and be proactive.


I tried to talk to him and all he did was say he didn't want to talk about it. I told him straight out that if he wanted to make such decisions without accounting for my feelings on the subject then when we move, the mortgage will be in his name only then he can make all the decisions. He said that I am not accounting his feelings on the subject as well. His response was that I want it this way (mortgage) so I can basically wash my hands of it. He didn't even give me a chance to respond he kept on yelling.

What do you think of me contacting his sister to tell her what is going on? Apparently, she knows nothing about this and I do not think she will be happy in hearing that her brother is already planning her demise this far in advance and making decisions for her. His sister is only 54, DH will be 50 this month and I am 48.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Forget about his sister for the time being. You need to worry about yourself and don’t let him bully you into going along with his plans.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Cooper said:


> You could always buy a duplex and rent out half until the time comes for SIL to move in then stick her in the other unit. Or make sure the house you buy can have an inlaw addition added in the future. Those options keep her out of your personal space.
> 
> I think it's very ****ty of your husband to insist she will live with you, and even worse that he would pick her over you. I'm not sure how you get past those type of comments.


Thank you for your input. SIL lives in a one floor condo and already has a "home". Searching for a new home with in-law quarters would be an expense we or "he" could not afford (that's IF he got the mortgage in his own name as was previously recommended by another forum member). Plus she only lives 20 minutes away and DH is at her beck-in-call whenever she needs something. He will leave early from work to go over and help her with something but when I ask him to leave early cause I need help, he comes up with excuses as to why he can't.

This whole moving thing I thought was suppose to be between me and DH, not including a SIL and putting her future health condition(s) into the mix of where and how we are going to live the rest of "OUR" lives, not "OUR" lives as a threesome. It is very discouraging. It's even more discouraging because I do not consider ourselves "old" at the age of 48, 50 and 54?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Hearing more from you, OP, honestly, I'd GTFO of the marriage...


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Hearing more from you, OP, honestly, I'd GTFO of the marriage...


I wish it was that simple. I can only work part-time due to health reasons and cannot financially support myself (especially with medical expenses, etc.). I have been here long enough to know that I am going to get criticized as this being just an "excuse" but it's not an excuse but a valid reason and fact. I was devastated to find out that my health status would change my income ability only 2 years into our marriage. The change in my husband was not because of my health status, but because both of his parents died within 1 1/2 years of each other. Instead of confiding in me, it brought him closer to his sister and I cannot compete with that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I have a question. Not everyone in the world has a spouse. How would you be supporting yourself if you had never gotten married?

How would you support yourself if something happened to your husband? Does he have that much life insurance (and are YOU the beneficiary)?

There is spousal support in the event of divorce.

There are millions of people in the world with health disabilities who aren't married.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you stay then you need to be prepared for his sister to live with you. He’s already said she’s more important than you and he‘s not likely to change his mind.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Openminded said:


> You know what’s coming so you need to protect yourself as best you can. Sounds like he should be living with his sister alone, this relationship sounds weird.


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