# shattering trust



## army816 (Mar 25, 2015)

We've been together two years now. In the beginning it was fantastic, I wouldn't change a single thing. But, shortly after it began it was spiraling. He left me for a girl he knew from high school and they ran into each other after basic training (he's an army medic). He called me shortly after and said it was a mistake and we began working to be together again, months later he left me a second time for the same woman and came back less than 24 hours later. A third time he left me for her and came back once again less than 24 hours. But, the third time he had cheated, verbally he talked to her about wanting a life with her and how he would be there for her to fix all her problems. Then the lying started. I found fake accounts all over the place, and porn websites. I deleted all the accounts and he cried for hours saying he was sorry. Recently, he promised me he wouldn't go sky diving.. I was screaming for him over the phone, crying, begging him to stay and talk to me because everything was falling apart.. He told me he had to go and I was making a huge deal about something so small and left me screaming for him. He told me over and over after that day that he only participated in the indoor activities, then classmates of mine started telling me he went sky diving with his new girlfriend! This "best friend" he went sky diving with knew he was hiding it from me and told people not to tell me. He lied about what he did for days and finally admitted it when I said I knew. Now, we fight constantly, I feel betrayed and like I can never trust him again. I want to trust him again I do. But, I feel like he will just leave for this girl, leave me for her now that she's his family's favorite. Now that he's betrayed me for her. She's been making statuses about how she had the best birthday ever because she got to spend time with him after he returned from Iraq. I feel like I want to leave but I also don't.. Help me :'(


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He is untrustworthy. He has left you again and again for the same woman. He will do it again.

What I can't figure out is why he is crying and begging to stay with you, when he clearly wants to be with her.

Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who treats you this way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

army816 said:


> We've been together two years now. In the beginning it was fantastic, I wouldn't change a single thing. But, shortly after it began it was spiraling. He left me for a girl he knew from high school and they ran into each other after basic training (he's an army medic). He called me shortly after and said it was a mistake and we began working to be together again, months later he left me a second time for the same woman and came back less than 24 hours later. A third time he left me for her and came back once again less than 24 hours. But, the third time he had cheated, verbally he talked to her about wanting a life with her and how he would be there for her to fix all her problems. Then the lying started. I found fake accounts all over the place, and porn websites. I deleted all the accounts and he cried for hours saying he was sorry. Recently, he promised me he wouldn't go sky diving.. I was screaming for him over the phone, crying, begging him to stay and talk to me because everything was falling apart.. He told me he had to go and I was making a huge deal about something so small and left me screaming for him. He told me over and over after that day that he only participated in the indoor activities, then classmates of mine started telling me he went sky diving with his new girlfriend! This "best friend" he went sky diving with knew he was hiding it from me and told people not to tell me. He lied about what he did for days and finally admitted it when I said I knew. Now, we fight constantly, *I feel betrayed and like I can never trust him again. * I want to trust him again I do. But, I feel like he will just leave for this girl, leave me for her now that she's his family's favorite. Now that he's betrayed me for her. She's been making statuses about how she had the best birthday ever because she got to spend time with him after he returned from Iraq. I feel like I want to leave but I also don't.. Help me :'(


You feel betrayed and like you cannot trust him because he betrayed you and you cannot trust him.

How is this not clear?

You are like the kid who keeps touching to hot store to see if the hot stove will still burn. But it burns her every time.

Why are you doing this to yourself? 

Do you even realize that all your pain is your own fault? Why because you know he’s a cheating, lying untrustworthy person. But you keep taking him back for more.

We teach people how they can treat us. You have taught him that the can cheat and lie.. it’s ok. It’s ook because you keep taking him back.

You cannot change him. This is who he is. If you want to live a sane life, break up with him. Heal. Go to counseling to figure out why you are allowing him to abuse you. Then once you have fixed yourself, go find a healthy man who can actually love you.
You are the only one who can help yourself in the situation you are in right now.

He’s a happy camper. He has two women fighting over him. When he’s upset with one of you he can ignore you and run to the other. He’s got it made… because you are allowing this to happen. 

Do you know what will happen if you break up with him? He will go to the other women.. then find a 3rd women to cheat with. So then she will be a unhappy as you are. She will not win if you break up with him. She will be the big loser. You will win because you will be free.

So what are you going to do now? Are you going to save yourself and break up for good with him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> He is untrustworthy. He has left you again and again for the same woman. He will do it again.
> 
> What I can't figure out is why he is crying and begging to stay with you, when he clearly wants to be with her.
> 
> Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who treats you this way.


He is crying to keep her because he likes having two women fighting over him. It's a huge ego boost.. a huge head rush.

With 2 women meeting his needs, his feel good hormones are running like the Mississippi river during a flood.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

"Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on ME".

Really don't want to sound like I'm banging on you, OP but he's made it abundantly clear that he can't be trusted.

Why in God's creation are you not just telling him to FVCK OFF???


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> He is crying to keep her because he likes having two women fighting over him. It's a huge ego boost.. a huge head rush.
> 
> *With 2 women meeting his needs, his feel good hormones are running like the Mississippi river during a flood*.


^^^THIS!

You two are making him feel like Lothario on steroids!

Why - he's the biggest hunk of hunks. The stud of all studs!

He's a punk, IMO.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

army816 said:


> We've been together two years now. In the beginning it was fantastic, I wouldn't change a single thing. But, shortly after it began it was spiraling. He left me for a girl he knew from high school and they ran into each other after basic training (he's an army medic). He called me shortly after and said it was a mistake and we began working to be together again, months later he left me a second time for the same woman and came back less than 24 hours later. A third time he left me for her and came back once again less than 24 hours. But, the third time he had cheated, verbally he talked to her about wanting a life with her and how he would be there for her to fix all her problems. Then the lying started. I found fake accounts all over the place, and porn websites. I deleted all the accounts and he cried for hours saying he was sorry. Recently, he promised me he wouldn't go sky diving.. I was screaming for him over the phone, crying, begging him to stay and talk to me because everything was falling apart.. He told me he had to go and I was making a huge deal about something so small and left me screaming for him. He told me over and over after that day that he only participated in the indoor activities, then classmates of mine started telling me he went sky diving with his new girlfriend! This "best friend" he went sky diving with knew he was hiding it from me and told people not to tell me. He lied about what he did for days and finally admitted it when I said I knew. Now, we fight constantly, I feel betrayed and like I can never trust him again. I want to trust him again I do. But, I feel like he will just leave for this girl, leave me for her now that she's his family's favorite. Now that he's betrayed me for her. She's been making statuses about how she had the best birthday ever because she got to spend time with him after he returned from Iraq. I feel like I want to leave but I also don't.. Help me :'(


This man lies like a rug.
For your own sake of well being, LEAVE now.

You are caught up in needing him too much and his fog. Break away from him and get some clear headspace.
All my "he is using you" warning bells are going off.

Remember...YOU have the first responsibility to take care of yourself.


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## ThirtySixThousandAndTwo (Mar 12, 2015)

"...I feel betrayed and like I can never trust him again. I want to trust him again I do. But, I feel like he will just leave for this girl, leave me for her now that she's his family's favorite. Now that he's betrayed me for her. "


I doubt that you can trust him again.

You have options. There are plenty of other men around.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think that the OP is coming back.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I don't think that the OP is coming back.


I think you're right...


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## army816 (Mar 25, 2015)

I thought about leaving  but I still love him even though he hurts me so much. I feel like if I leave he's going to get better and I won't get to have him the way he used to be :'( I feel stuck. He has been telling me his is getting help with his problems since our last big fall out but my trust still isn't getting any stronger


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you married to this guy or just living with him?




army816 said:


> I thought about leaving  but I still love him even though he hurts me so much. I feel like if I leave he's going to get better and I won't get to have him the way he used to be :'( I feel stuck. He has been telling me his is getting help with his problems since our last big fall out but my trust still isn't getting any stronger


The way he used to be is not who he really is. He acted nice at first to get you involved with him. Now that he has you hooked, he is showing you who he really is.

I doubt that you actually love the person who is hurting in. Instead I think you love the idea of who he preteneded to be. You love the idea of her perfect man. That love belongs to you. You can give it to a person who is worthy and you can take it away from a person who is abuse. He is abusive.. take your love back.

You can still love your idea of an idea man.

He's not getting help. You know that. Even if he does get help it will take him years to change. And you would have to be involved in the counseling. Has he involved you? Nope.. because if he did you would know what he is or is not doing.

He's not going to change. No other woman is going to get that fake person he pretended to be to trap you.. why? Because that's not who he is. 

You would benefit from judging a person by their actions before you do by their words. His actions are clear. He does not love you... in that he does not cherish you, protect you, etc. He loves himself and you fill some need for him.

You do not need to leave him right this minute if you are not ready. If you are afraid to leave or not ready, then there are some things I suggest you do.

One of them is to start interacting with him according to the 180 (see link below in my signature block). The reason for the 180 is so that you can get stronger. Start doing things for yourself. Get out, meet people, do things that you enjoy. If you need help finding things to do, look at Find your people - Meetup 

See if you can get some counseling. Look in your area for an organization that helps victims of domestic abuse. Yes, what he is doing is serious emotional abuse. These types of organizations usually have free and/or sliding scale counseling.

Also please read the two books I've listed here. They will give you a lot of insight into why he is like he is and why you are stuck in this situation.

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why 



Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men


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