# No sex or bad sex?



## Blue_Ann (Mar 6, 2012)

I've been reading for a while but have never posted.

I am currently in a sexless marriage. Going on 4 years (!!!). We have been married for six years and together for 11 years.
I am the wife. I am 43 and my husband is 45. No children. 
Most posts I see here indicate that the sex was good and then became less and less frequent.
My situation is different. Sex was never great. It was rarely good. At best, it was OK. It was always extremely vanilla.
We took a while into our relationship to start having sex. My soon to be husband expressed he was inexperienced and not altogether comfortable with sex. At that time I thought that this was acceptable and that things would get better with more experience.
Alas, this was not the case.

After we got married, sex was still just ok at best. I would suggest things, nothing radical or outside the norm, but he was not interested. He feels there are two positions that are acceptable. Only two. 
In addition, after we got married, he gained a good amount of weight. One of the acceptable positions was no long feasible due to the weight gain. In addition, his hygiene took a hit with the weight gain so giving a BJ became far less than pleasant. As he had no interest at all in returning the favor, I stopped giving oral. So what was left? One acceptable position where I was squished flat and unsatisfied. This was not of interest to me so I stopped initiating. 
Prior to this, I did 90% of initiating. When I stopped, so did the sex. On very rare occasions, he would initiate but as he didn't bother even brushing his teeth or attempting to make himself appealing , I was not interested. 
As a result, we have not had sex in four years.

I was handling it ok for a while, though I will admit I did have some depression issues as a result and took too much comfort in food. 
I stopped being ok with it when a friend announced she was getting married in Cancun and she wanted us to come. I couldn't go looking and feeling like I did. I worked very hard to get ready. 50 pounds in 7 months, just diet and exercise. Of course, once I started liking myself again, and others could once again appreciate my physical appearance, my libido came roaring back. I wanted sex, I missed sex. 

The issue was, I had become resentful and did NOT want sex with my husband. 
It came to a head last summer and I expressed my dissatisfaction and that I was considering a divorce. I told him I was not attracted to him as a wife should be toward her husband. I did not tell him that he lacks 'skills' and that I like flavors other than vanilla on occasion. 

He said he would lose weight and work on his hygiene and asked if that would help. I told him the truth 'I don't know if it will'.
He said he'd try anyway. It's been 8 months. He has lost one pant size. No dentist appointment on the horizon. 
Even if he was successful, I don't know if I would be interested. I can't get past the negative memories.
I have gone to counseling and, if anything, it made matters worse as I focused in on all the things that bothered me. 

He has done nothing wrong otherwise. He's a good person and a good friend. There is just no attraction at all. We are housemates. We sleep in separate bedrooms and the only physical contact is a peck on the cheek as I leave for work. 

I can't just 'suck it up' and have sex with him. The thought is terrifying to me. I worry that all my negative memories will sour me to the experience from the start and all only have confirmation that it was as bad as I remember. 

Is there any hope in overcoming this negativity?
Or are we done?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Why don't you just try being honest with him. Not as an A**hole but in a caring way. If you really WANT this marriage to work, give him a chance.

Tell him as gently as possible that you love him, but if he doesn't change, you are going to leave. Give him a short period of time to make the changes, make clear guidelines and expectations, and if he doesn't meet them, walk away if that's what you want.

Generally when men find out there women are going to leave, they change. Don't assume that because you've expressed concern, he understands your willing to leave over it. Guys aren't that smart, he probably thinks things are OK and the attraction thing isn't that big of a deal.

BTW, he either needs medication, or he has a major porn addiction. No normal male can go 4 years without sex. I'd bring that up as part of the deal. That he either gets checked at the doctor or comes clean about his extra-marital releases.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

COguy said:


> Why don't you just try being honest with him. Not as an A**hole but in a caring way. If you really WANT this marriage to work, give him a chance.
> 
> Tell him as gently as possible that you love him, but if he doesn't change, you are going to leave. Give him a short period of time to make the changes, make clear guidelines and expectations, and if he doesn't meet them, walk away if that's what you want.
> 
> ...


are you sure your husband dont swing the other way? there isnt no male that can go 4 years without sex
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue_Ann (Mar 6, 2012)

I'm sure he hasn't gone the full four years without any kind of release. He probably takes care of his needs the same I have had to take care of my own needs.
But I am growing very, very weary of taking care of my own needs. 

I have let him know that he needs to lose weight and pay more attention to his hygiene before I will even consider sex. 
I didn't hint. I was quite clear. He has made an effort. But I know what kind of effort is needed to make a significant change and I just don't see him putting in what is required.

The issue is more that I do not know if I can have sex with him, even if he gets slim and clean. 
I am angry over the time I have spent without any kind of satisfaction. And I fear it will be just as unsatisfying as I remember.
I don't know how to get past it. Do people get past it?
And is it worth getting past it? 
Is bad sex with someone you consider to be a good friend but who doesn't excite you enough?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Blue_Ann said:


> I'm sure he hasn't gone the full four years without any kind of release. He probably takes care of his needs the same I have had to take care of my own needs.
> But I am growing very, very weary of taking care of my own needs.
> 
> *I have let him know that he needs to lose weight and pay more attention to his hygiene before I will even consider sex. *
> ...


Exactly my point, you have not explicitly told him what you are telling us here. Do not do yourself a disservice by checking out of your marriage, potentially leaving over this, without giving him the courtesy of your honesty.

Tell him flat out, if you do not change, I am leaving. Not that you wont want to have sex, or you won't be happy, or any other drivel. Let him know, he loses weight and starts brushing his teeth, or you're gone. Anything short of that before you check out is unfair IMO.

Do people get past this? Yes they can, but it takes work. From my limited experience, your husband will not be interested until he really understands how serious you are, as in you give him an ultimatum, it may even take you packing your bags or handing him the papers. At that point, both of you will need to work on rebuilding the relationship, it will not happen overnight. You have years of resentment to undo.

Is it worth getting past? Is bad sex enough? Only you can answer that question. Just be honest with yourself and don't sell yourself short. If sex is important to you, and you're not getting your needs met, it's OK to move on. As long as you have clearly expressed your needs, and made it explicitly clear what will happen if they aren't met, and you have listened and been willing to meet your partner's needs, you have done your due diligence in the marriage.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Blue_Ann said:


> I'm sure he hasn't gone the full four years without any kind of release. He probably takes care of his needs the same I have had to take care of my own needs.
> But I am growing very, very weary of taking care of my own needs.
> 
> I have let him know that he needs to lose weight and pay more attention to his hygiene before I will even consider sex.
> ...


Sounds like not only do you want results but you want a very specific result. If I didn't know better based on some of your previous comments, you're probably considering or have your eye on someone else. Almost looking to rationalize why it's OK for you to do this. The divorce talk was a way to see if your husband would fight for it and if he doesn't show enough of a result then might as well, huh? 

Hopefully i'm wrong.


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## Blue_Ann (Mar 6, 2012)

You are correct that I want results.
And yes, I want a specific result.
Satisfying sex with a man I am attracted to both physically and mentally.

No, I don't have my eye on any one. But, it has become harder to not notice other men.. 
I have been asked out. I have said no.
However, I do not feel that I should have to live the rest of my life without sex. It is important to me. 
So we either need some real change, or I need to go. 

I Like COguys advice about tying the need for change to my leaving, rather than change or no sex. 
I should have done that before since it is obvious that sex really isn't a motivator for him. 
If it was, he would have started crabbing about the lack of it at some point.

Once we have some change, then that would be a good starting point to rebuild.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Blue_Ann said:


> You are correct that I want results.
> And yes, I want a specific result.
> Satisfying sex with a man I am attracted to both physically and mentally.
> 
> ...


One pant size is change isn't it? What I'm trying to say is that you need him to be ONE way in order for you to be attracted to him. Attraction is more than just about appearance. Maybe you are not attractive to him? Maybe instead of putting limits on you he decided to live with what he had. Not that it should be like that for everyone. Maybe someone out there is asking him out and they like him just the way he is. 

The smell and not brushing teeth thing i'll give you. That should be normal.


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## Blue_Ann (Mar 6, 2012)

Lol. One pants size is change.

I am not saying he needs to be super slim or look a certain way.
I just don't think sex when I am with him.
In order for me to think about him in a sexual way, at the very least, I would like both of the 'acceptable' positions to be feasable. 
I'm not saying comfortable, I am saying possible. 
That would give me a glimmer of hope that there may be some way of finding a bit of fulfillment that doesn't require batteries.

I notice that there a lot of sexless relationships discussed here. 
I'm sure some people choose to live with it, some leave, and some find satisfaction with others.
And a rare few find a way to make things better. 
I can't live with it. I don't wish to find satisfaction with others.
So I can leave or make it better.

Right now, I am not interested in sex with my husband. He doesn't seem all that interested in sex with me.
One of us needs to become interested.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Blue_Ann said:


> You are correct that I want results.
> And yes, I want a specific result.
> Satisfying sex with a man I am attracted to both physically and mentally.
> 
> ...


Without children, your decision is so much easier... than most on this forum ...struggling in your situation. 

I do not believe we can muster physical attraction no matter how bad we want too.... in this case, so much resentment likey has been built up over the years over the lack of sex, and his being so vanilla.... even the emotional connection has been lost.... add on the physcial attraction issue.... you clearly have a sinking ship. 

What is he doing to show YOU .....he is , indeed, fighting for a normal healthy sexually functioning marriage?? Are you reading any books together, got an exercise plan in place...

Forget the denist... is he flossing and brushing every day at least 2 -3 times, mouth wash ? When one commits to a plan for change, it is hard at 1st but if you keep at it, it will get easier & easier as time goes by... and the touching...is he trying to be more affectionate at least ?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Also your husband is overweight and he is 45 yrs old, there is a possiblity he has low Testosterone levels to boot, as men age, these levels decline ....and as the weight goes up, they may decline even more so. 

Is he on any meds ?


SOunds like you married him when he was 39 and he was inexperienced, so you married a 39 yr old virgin, I wonder? I would guess after masterbating for near 27 yrs (if he was a normal functioning male)...one gets really "used" to his hand, which also could reac havoc in a marriage. 

Does he masterbate, have you ever talked about this?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your husband told you the truth about himself. He said he was not comfortable with sex.  And the fact that he went 4 years without says volumes about who you are dealing with.

He's likely got some deep seated issues that are not going to be fixed by coming to a forum.

My vote is since you don't have kids to cut your losses. He isn't going to change.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

I think he's addicted (chemical reaction in his body) to not having sex as much as you're addicted (chemical reaction in your body) to wanting/having sex. Both of you have no "chemistry" for one another based on how things are. It's normal that you want change because then it will change HIS and YOUR chemical reactions to one another. 

All that being said, it is very likely that since he was a non sexual person he doesn't see his actions as not normal. I don't think anyone thinks of themselves as not normal. usually when people do look at themselves as not normal it leads to depression and self analyzation. All of which cause more stress on the body and produce chemical reactions in the body which COUNTER any chance at a chemical sexual reaction.

My suggestion is that instead of waiting on him to change his chemical make up, sort of speak, force that on him. I don't mean physically force that on him but encourage him by continuing to be the one pushing the issue when it comes to sex. 

Basically you have a few options. (1) Divorce him. (2) Continue to live this way. (3) Do all that is possible in your HEART and body to get him addicted to a new chemical reaction in HIS body. 

Waiting on HIM to change instead of YOU changing and adjusting to reality is not only unrealistic but is actually UNFAIR to him. Remember sex is a chemical reaction. You can't control the chemistry in your OWN body. 

You bought something that you didn't completely 100% love and now after years of "putting up with it" you want it to work better than it did before? 

No offense, I understand your frustration but in the end it's YOUR frustration. IMHO if he continues to change whether it is slow or really quick, it is still POSITIVE change. 

You married him because of his HEART (i hope) not his PACKAGE. You admitted that sex was never a big part of your relationship. Taking away any chance of sex with him CAN'T help that chemical reaction he NEEDS to have in order to show more desire. Desire is FELT internally and acted on not vice versa. 

I hope you work this out and stay in your marriage.


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