# Do you "tolerate" sex with your overweight wife?



## firebelly1

One of the insecurities I had in my marriage was that my husband was only having sex with me because he was horny and I was there but he wasn't really attracted to me because of my weight. I wonder if some of the wives who are not having sex because of their body-image feel the same way. I have read that here - that men will tell their wives they are beautiful and attractive but the wives don't believe it. 

One of the reasons they may not believe it is this niggling doubt - he's just saying it but he doesn't mean it. I would like to know how real that doubt may be. Do you have sex with your overweight wife but don't feel real sexual desire for her?


----------



## ladymisato

I think it's more complicated than you are allowing.

What women think men want (and what they really want) - Telegraph

What if he's having sex not because your attractive or he's horny but because he loves you?


----------



## Married but Happy

My ex used to refuse sex for many, many reasons, one of which was she felt fat and ugly (she wasn't, really). Over time, though, she convinced me it was true.


----------



## ladymisato

Married but Happy said:


> My ex used to refuse sex for many, many reasons, one of which was she felt fat and ugly (she wasn't, really). Over time, though, she convinced me it was true.


That's a rather crude way to put it but it is true, sadly, that wives often sabotage themselves in the pursuit of their own body images.

People (not just women) typically don't appreciate how much more important psychology (e.g. attitude) is to sex than physical appearance.


----------



## firebelly1

I never refused sex - I had the opposite problem. xh would only initiate sex once a month (and wouldn't have sex with me when I initiated) and I came to believe it was because of how I looked. He would SAY he thought I was attractive and liked my big butt, but his actions didn't tell me he really desired me. 

Fast forward to my current dating situation. I'm only down about 10 lbs from the separation but not having any trouble finding people who would like to have sex with me. I still wonder if they are REALLY sexually attracted to me or if they are just so horny they will f*ck anyone. OR if my body image is just really distorted.


----------



## SpinDaddy

firebelly1 said:


> . . . . One of the reasons they may not believe it is this niggling doubt - he's just saying it but he doesn't mean it. I would like to know how real that doubt may be. Do you have sex with your overweight wife but don't feel real sexual desire for her?



Howdy Firebelly, can you see the irreconcilable logic loop this thinking results in? “He’s just saying it, he doesn’t really mean it.” How will you ever know? Answer is you won’t at that rate. 

You know by how he acts. Does he: tell you you’re beautiful, tell you he loves you, treat you well, acts attracted to you, get “horny” with you? Actions are louder than words and you need to look to both but if you couch it as you have above; you’re just creating a tormenting riddle that you already wrote the answer to. 

My advice to a person (needn’t be a woman necessarily) who is feeling as you’ve described would be to close your eyes, and reciprocate to your partner times ten. This has an amazing way of compounding upon itself. When you act hot you become hot.


----------



## PBear

My STBX was overweight, being perfectly honest. I initiated often, and got rejected often. Sh rarely initiated. She had a bad self-image problem. It was her self-image that caused issues for us, not my perception of her weight. 

As far as picking a new partner... I found someone who happened to be on the "healthy" side of the weight spectrum. Her attitude towards sex has much much much more to do with her "sexiness" than having a 28" waist. I would far rather have someone who is comfortable with herself and her sexuality than focusing on stick-thin. 

C

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married but Happy

firebelly1 said:


> I still wonder if they are REALLY sexually attracted to me or if they are just so horny they will f*ck anyone. OR if my body image is just really distorted.


I certainly have body types and features which attract me greatly, but there have been some women who do not even come close to my usual "type" who've been sexually irresistable because of personality and intellect. It wasn't just horniness - I could readily have gotten that taken care of by someone who was my type. They were also comfortable with themselves, which is also an attractor.


----------



## firebelly1

All excellent answers and I think my experiences are confirming what you're saying. Behavior appears to be saying they desire me. There's no feeling like they are repulsed but doing it anyway.  So I guess I need to learn to trust THAT. 

These kinds of thoughts don't inhibit me sexually - they only come up when some other thing triggers my insecurities. If a guy that I've been dating stops calling, for instance, I will automatically think "It's because he wasn't really attracted to me and my big butt."


----------



## firebelly1

Married but Happy said:


> ...there have been some women who do not even come close to my usual "type" who've been sexually irresistable because of personality and intellect. It wasn't just horniness - I could readily have gotten that taken care of by someone who was my type. They were also comfortable with themselves, which is also an attractor.


Personality, intellect, and being comfortable with themselves were SEXUALLY irresistible?


----------



## samyeagar

firebelly1 said:


> Personality, intellect, and being comfortable with themselves were SEXUALLY irresistible?


You've been learning a bit about male sexuality lately haven't ya?  A bit more complex than you've been led to believe?


----------



## SadSamIAm

firebelly1 said:


> All excellent answers and I think my experiences are confirming what you're saying. Behavior appears to be saying they desire me. There's no feeling like they are repulsed but doing it anyway.  So I guess I need to learn to trust THAT.
> 
> These kinds of thoughts don't inhibit me sexually - they only come up when some other thing triggers my insecurities. If a guy that I've been dating stops calling, for instance, I will automatically think "It's because he wasn't really attracted to me and my big butt."


Doesn't matter why he stops calling you. Could be your personality, your family, your job, your friends, your dog, or your big butt. Doesn't matter.

You need to be secure enough in yourself to move on. That way, the next guy will love everything about you, including your big butt. Especially your big butt.


----------



## Married but Happy

firebelly1 said:


> Personality, intellect, and being comfortable with themselves were SEXUALLY irresistible?


Yes. I found it a little surprising, myself. Maybe if she'd been bad in bed the bubble would've burst, but she was great, so the whole combination worked.


----------



## Shoto1984

If your man say's you look good and he wants to be with you then enjoy it and drop the self doubt. Assuming this is consistent with the over all relationship and not just something that comes on 10 mins before bed time


----------



## Yeswecan

firebelly1 said:


> Personality, intellect, and being comfortable with themselves were SEXUALLY irresistible?


Yes. My wife retained the baby weight(she is overweight). The overall package(my wife) that contains personality, intellect, comfortable with herself, caring for me and concern for the entire family is sexually irresistible to me. Not to mention she is a sexual dynamo in bed. She has some insecurities about her weight but overall ok with how she is. I always tell her she is beautiful to me because she is. I have no reason to cover up squat or tolerate having sex with her. The bedroom is a fun place for me. I make sure it is fun for her.


----------



## samyeagar

It's well know that women are sexually complex, and sometimes I wonder if the nuances of male sexuality are overlooked because it's just easier that way...


----------



## ChargingCharlie

:iagree:


PBear said:


> My STBX was overweight, being perfectly honest. I initiated often, and got rejected often. Sh rarely initiated. She had a bad self-image problem. It was her self-image that caused issues for us, not my perception of her weight.
> 
> As far as picking a new partner... I found someone who happened to be on the "healthy" side of the weight spectrum. Her attitude towards sex has much much much more to do with her "sexiness" than having a 28" waist. I would far rather have someone who is comfortable with herself and her sexuality than focusing on stick-thin.
> 
> C
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: This it totally spot on. Wife's friend is a slightly above average looking woman who doesn't have a great body (she's not too overweight, but besides being well endowed there's nothing that really stands out about her), but she just exudes sexiness to me, probably because she's very HD and isn't afraid to have sex anywhere, anytime. I'd love to give her a good rodgering (she's the one woman that I would actually give a thought of having an affair with, not that she or I would do it), and find her to be more of a turn-on than the petite hottie neighbor of ours.


----------



## changedbeliefs

To me, it's a subset of an age-old question: do you have sex with your spouse because they are the one you WANT to have sex with, or do you have sex because you're horny, and they're you're only permissible option? Which leads to an even larger general question on marriage: are you there by choice, every single day, TRULY by choice, or are you there because you're committed/obligated?


----------



## Mr. Nail

firebelly1 said:


> I would like to know how real that doubt may be. Do you have sex with your overweight wife but don't feel real sexual desire for her?


My wife was overweight when we married. She had 4 children and topped out at dangerously obese. Her latest job has her consistently losing fat and gaining muscle. 

Now with that background I can answer your burning questions. No I do not "tolerate" sex with my overweight wife. I crave it, I lust for it. I can't get enough of it. Always have. 

MN


----------



## staarz21

People can SAY stuff all day long. They can say they enjoy the way you look. They can say they find you attractive. They can say that they want to have sex with you all of the time. 

What do their actions tell you? Does he want to have sex with you often? Does he always try to touch you, or otherwise show you that he is attracted to you? 

You will NEVER know what he is really thinking so stop trying to do that. It's a waste of time.


----------



## Yeswecan

changedbeliefs said:


> To me, it's a subset of an age-old question: do you have sex with your spouse because they are the one you WANT to have sex with, or do you have sex because you're horny, and they're you're only permissible option? Which leads to an even larger general question on marriage: are you there by choice, every single day, TRULY by choice, or are you there because you're committed/obligated?


My wife is the one I want to have sex with. My sex life is very fulfilling. There is no desire or reason for another permissible option. When my gas tank is full I don't go to another gas station down the road as it were. 

I'm there truly by choice everyday. My wife is great all around. Why would I not want to be there everyday?


----------



## Wolf1974

firebelly1 said:


> One of the insecurities I had in my marriage was that my husband was only having sex with me because he was horny and I was there but he wasn't really attracted to me because of my weight. I wonder if some of the wives who are not having sex because of their body-image feel the same way. I have read that here - that men will tell their wives they are beautiful and attractive but the wives don't believe it.
> 
> One of the reasons they may not believe it is this niggling doubt - he's just saying it but he doesn't mean it. I would like to know how real that doubt may be. Do you have sex with your overweight wife but don't feel real sexual desire for her?




I think I get what you are saying. I think men are much more forgiving of their partners bodies than the owner of the body is. 

If someone became that unattractive I doubt they would be able to fake having sex or the desire for it. Most men are very visual and need to see what they are having. So unless he says specifically I'm only have sex with you because I have no other choice I wouldn't overthink it


----------



## richie33

Insecurities, body image and low self esteem are mood killers. If a spouse spends a enormous amount of time telling their spouse " you can't possibly love my big ass, my stomach, etc,etc " eventually that spouse is going to start detaching. 
My wife is way more to me than her body. I love her soul and every inch of her. If you don't love yourself it's very hard for someone else to love you. Embrace your curves. Confidence is very sexy.


----------



## samyeagar

This is a very different question too than wondering...If my husband was really horny and wanted to have sex, and we weren't married and he didn't know me, would he pick me out of a lineup of 100 other women...


----------



## Faeleaf

Several years ago on a different marriage forum, I read a post by a husband who had been ignored and rejected by his wife so much that his pain was palpable.

He recalled one day when they were on vacation at the beach. His lovely wife - who he was never allowed to touch - was spread out on a blanket, bathing in the sun. Several feet away another woman, very overweight, was also sunbathing.

His wife turned to him and made a snide remark, _"Aren't you glad you're not married to HER?"_

Although he didn't say it out loud, all he could think was, _"But...what if she was nice to me?"_

I tell you, I've never gotten that story out of my head. It made a huge impression on how I feel about my own body issues over the years.


----------



## Wolf1974

Faeleaf said:


> Several years ago on a different marriage forum, I read a post by a husband who had been ignored and rejected by his wife so much that his pain was palpable.
> 
> He recalled one day when they were on vacation at the beach. His lovely wife - who he was never allowed to touch - was spread out on a blanket, bathing in the sun. Several feet away another woman, very overweight, was also sunbathing.
> 
> His wife turned to him and made a snide remark, _"Aren't you glad you're not married to HER?"_
> 
> Although he didn't say it out loud, all he could think was, _"But...what if she was nice to me?"_
> 
> I tell you, I've never gotten that story out of my head. It made a huge impression on how I feel about my own body issues over the years.


Great story. And very true. I would much rather be with a woman who was loyal, smart, funny, shared common interest and treated me good than a totally hot ***** who didn't. 

I have lived both


----------



## Caribbean Man

"Overweight " is one of the most misused and abused term today.

Please forget the whole BMI and all that crap.

Funny thing is, it is a relative term and there are varying degrees ,just like there are people who are sexually attracted to different body types.

In marriage and long term relationships, it becomes even mor complex because personality , attitudes and levels of intimacy are involved.


----------



## lifeistooshort

samyeagar said:


> This is a very different question too than wondering...If my husband was really horny and wanted to have sex, and we weren't married and he didn't know me, would he pick me out of a lineup of 100 other women...


I can see why one would ponder this question but I think it's unfair to ask. It essentially reduces your spouse to the kind of shopping experience one sees on online dating. That which creates and sustains long term attraction is made up of a number of factors. A better question would be if my husband saw me in a lineup of 100 other women and he had to split us into women he's really love to f$ck and women he could take or leave (or not [email protected]) would I make his list. For that matter, would he make mine? When I see a hot guy do I find myself wishing I had him and not my hb? No. Does my hb ever see a hot woman and wish he had her instead of me? Obviously I can't say this with 100% certainty but I don't think so, he seems pretty happy with me. Does that mean nobody is hotter? No, but it does mean that I'm happy with what I've got.

There's always someone hotter out there, and what constitutes hot is highly subjective anyway. Is my husband hot? YES! Is he the hottest guy out there such that if he was in a lineup with 100 other guys and I knew nothing about any of them except what I saw would I pick him? Difficult to say, depends on what else was available. But the fact is that he is hot, I am attracted to him, and as a package he's a wonderful husband. Not perfect, but pretty darn good. I suppose there are hotter men out there but as a package I'm quite happy, and why would you mess up what makes you happy for what else MIGHT be out there? I'm sure he'd say something similar to the above about me.

I think it's unfair to demand a spouse answer such a question because there is no good answer to it.


----------



## Yeswecan

samyeagar said:


> This is a very different question too than wondering...If my husband was really horny and wanted to have sex, and we weren't married and he didn't know me, would he pick me out of a lineup of 100 other women...


Loaded question! 

Men like woman of all shapes and sizes. I prefer a full figured woman. If the line up had 50 thin women and 50 full figured women we could remove the 50 thin women immediately. Your chances of being pick just went up 50%. If there were 99 thin women and one full figured woman I can assure you the full figured woman(my wife) would be pick by me.


----------



## samyeagar

lifeistooshort said:


> I can see why one would ponder this question but I think it's unfair to ask. It essentially reduces your spouse to the kind of shopping experience one sees on online dating. That which creates and sustains long term attraction is made up of a number of factors. A better question would be if my husband saw me in a lineup of 100 other women and he had to split us into women he's really love to f$ck and women he could take or leave (or not [email protected]) would I make his list. For that matter, would he make mine? When I see a hot guy do I find myself wishing I had him and not my hb? No. Does my hb ever see a hot woman and wish he had her instead of me? Obviously I can't say this with 100% certainty but I don't think so, he seems pretty happy with me. Does that mean nobody is hotter? No, but it does mean that I'm happy with what I've got.
> 
> There's always someone hotter out there, and what constitutes hot is highly subjective anyway. Is my husband hot? YES! Is he the hottest guy out there such that if he was in a lineup with 100 other guys and I knew nothing about any of them except what I saw would I pick him? Difficult to say, depends on what else was available. But the fact is that he is hot, I am attracted to him, and as a package he's a wonderful husband. Not perfect, but pretty darn good. I suppose there are hotter men out there but as a package I'm quite happy, and why would you mess up what makes you happy for what else MIGHT be out there? I'm sure he'd say something similar to the above about me.
> 
> *I think it's unfair to demand a spouse answer such a question because there is no good answer to it*.





Yeswecan said:


> *Loaded question*!
> 
> Men like woman of all shapes and sizes. I prefer a full figured woman. If the line up had 50 thin women and 50 full figured women we could remove the 50 thin women immediately. Your chances of being pick just went up 50%. If there were 99 thin women and one full figured woman I can assure you the full figured woman(my wife) would be pick by me.


Absolutely right, but I do think that is the question often times being asked at the very heart of it, or at least wanting to take the answer to the first question and applying it to the second one.

My point is, this is a very difficult question to dwell upon, and often nothing good comes of it.


----------



## Yeswecan

Caribbean Man said:


> "Overweight " is one of the most misused and abused term today.
> 
> Please forget the whole BMI and all that crap.
> 
> Funny thing is, it is a relative term and there are varying degrees ,just like there are people who are sexually attracted to different body types.
> 
> In marriage and long term relationships, it becomes even mor complex because personality , attitudes and levels of intimacy are involved.


Not to mention history together for all these years. I have been married 20 years. My wife and I have a lot of history. Been each others support. It is an entirely different level.


----------



## lifeistooshort

samyeagar said:


> Absolutely right, but I do think that is the question often times being asked at the very heart of it, or at least wanting to take the answer to the first question and applying it to the second one.
> 
> My point is, this is a very difficult question to dwell upon, and often nothing good comes of it.


I agree. Maybe it's possible that people don't realize this is actually the question they're asking? Because when it's asked like that it's obviously a ridiculous question, at least to me. But maybe it's just me.


----------



## samyeagar

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree. Maybe it's possible that people don't realize this is actually the question they're asking? Because when it's asked like that it's obviously a ridiculous question, at least to me. But maybe it's just me.


This goes hand in hand with "You're only saying that because you love me", and "You're supposed to say that because I'm your wife." The qualification to the question and the answer is the relationship itself which suggests the underlying unspoken and contrasting question and desired answer are actually separate from the relationship...kind of a covert contractual question.


----------



## firebelly1

Yes Sam - you're right - when a woman is thinking her big butt is the problem, she is thinking as if she were an unknown woman in a lineup and that was the only trait being taken into consideration. 

So, here's what I think is an analogy. Stick with me. I was thinking today of the phenomenon of feeling like i'm "not enough" which I think a lot of women feel when they find out their guy is watching porn, or ogling other women. I was trying to put the shoe on the other foot - do I ever feel like the man I'm with is "not enough" (let's assume I am generally satisfied in bed). The only example I could think of is that I have a fantasy of being with two men at once. But I don't want to do that because my partner is "not enough," it's simply because he only has two hands and one c*ck. He just physically can't do what a two-man team could do. But it doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with him, which the "not enough" feeling is really all about.


----------



## firebelly1

SpinDaddy said:


> Howdy Firebelly, can you see the irreconcilable logic loop this thinking results in? “He’s just saying it, he doesn’t really mean it.” How will you ever know? Answer is you won’t at that rate. .


It really is an irreconcilable logic loop. I really want to be able to get myself out of that loop and I'm not sure how. I can't read his mind. I suppose trusting actions is key.


----------



## richie33

I think you should also try some therapy. Waiting for others to build you up is not the way to go.


----------



## 2ntnuf

To sort of reference another thread, it's biology that makes men look at other women. It's character that makes them choose one woman to do something about that biological desire.

Wanting two men would make a man who doesn't want to participate in that, or who thinks it's not sexy, will make him feel like he is inadequate...and he is. He doesn't have four hands, two mouths and two cacks. He's half the man you need, and always will be...and that is the truth. I don't think it's such a good analogy.

I think it's closer in the feelings you feel inside than to what is actually going on. You feel very hurt. He would feel very hurt.

My ex thought she was to heavy for me. Her weight had nothing to do with my problems. Notice I used the words, "my problems". I couldn't convince her of that. Especially since my first wife was almost half her weight and physical size. 

What she didn't know was the woman I saw through my eyes. It could not be put into words eloquent enough to let her understand. She had it all in my mind. The extra cushion was fun for pushin'. Her personality was, at least I thought, great. Her eyes twinkled like the stars on a clear June night in the mountains. Her skin was soft as silk. Her hair was like a cool waterfall in mid-summer. Her breasts like a favorite pillow you want to snuggle into. Her voice, like a comforting hymn. Her lips like sweet perfection. 

Okay, I think you get the idea. Sometimes, it's tough to put into words, until embarrassment isn't an issue. 

What's that? Weight? Oh, I forgot. 

See what I mean? It isn't weight alone that makes or breaks a deal. Hope this helps. I just happened to catch this on a good day.


----------



## melw74

I was overweight about three years Ago......... Size 18 this was my heaviest.... when i met my hubby i was a size 12.... Been married 6 years, together for 11.

My husband never said anything about my weight, it was never an issue for him, and it was not a issue for me for many years, the weight crept upon me after having my 2 children with him.... was not that big after having my other 3 before. I admit i pigged out, and i never had an issue. Then i was going through some photos and i realised just how much weight i had put on, and started to wonder to myself why nobody told me just how big i was.

I have to be honest, Nothing changed regarding my sex life, my husband and I still had the same amount of sex, and my hubby still said i looked nice when i dressed up..... he never changed his attitude towards me, so i never knew anything........ Just that i wanted to lose the weight and so i did... I dieted.

The strange thing, I know my husband does not like big women, I know what kind of women float his boat, and yet i could never understand why he would still be attracted to me..

I am now a size 10, very happy, and my sex life is still the same.

I have this photo of me that my son showed me, and you would not believe it was me, I was huge, and as i can remember my husband never changed, he was still as loving towards me then and now.... although he does tell me how great i look ALL the time.....

I have asked my husband why he never told me how overweight i was, he just said he did not know i was that big.... although when we look at the photo, hes sooooo shocked, and he does tell me i was very big, and i have asked him why he stayed with me, and that he must have not thought i was that attractive..... but he he just says he loves me, and hes always loved me, so i never really get a straight answer from him.

I do know tho he does not like the bigger woman:scratchhead:..... so i do sometimes wonder.... he says he only notices how big i was now i have lost so much weight, and how sexy i am.... I know i can wear sexier clothing, but i still hand on heart can say, I cant see much as changed as hes always loved me.... maybe he just does not want to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth?????


----------



## Caribbean Man

Yeswecan said:


> Not to mention history together for all these years. I have been married 20 years. My wife and I have a lot of history. Been each others support. It is an entirely different level.


Yup.

Been happily married for the past 20 years here too.

The type of attraction we feel is an entirely different ball game to when we first started.


----------



## 2ntnuf

sheesh mel. Did you read my post? Did you not understand? Sorry, I can't explain it any better. When it's love, it's like a horse wearing blinders. He can't see anything, but beauty.

Sorry. did not mean to be hurtful. This sort of shows why most men don't say anything or explain. It seems impossible to get the idea across. It's different when it's the woman a man loves versus some pinup.

Crap. I feel bad, now.


----------



## firebelly1

melw74 said:


> I do know tho he does not like the bigger woman:scratchhead:..... so i do sometimes wonder.... he says he only notices how big i was now i have lost so much weight, and how sexy i am.... I know i can wear sexier clothing, but i still hand on heart can say, I cant see much as changed as hes always loved me.... maybe he just does not want to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth?????


These are the kinds of thoughts that plague my mind. Seeing a guy now that is very fit, eats clean, etc. My rear is a size 14 and I have Oprah arms. I have a hard time seeing how he could REALLY be attracted to me. His actions say he wants to have sex with me, but does that equate to attraction? That's my puzzle. 

If sexual desire does equate to attraction, I THINK it's because the package of me, despite the above, is still pretty sexy.


----------



## melw74

2ntnuf said:


> sheesh mel. Did you read my post? Did you not understand? Sorry, I can't explain it any better. When it's love, it's like a horse wearing blinders. He can't see anything, but beauty.
> 
> Sorry. did not mean to be hurtful. This sort of shows why most men don't say anything or explain. It seems impossible to get the idea across. It's different when it's the woman a man loves versus some pinup.
> 
> Crap. I feel bad, now.


Takes a lot to hurt me..... so no not hurt...... Bawlllllllllllll.


----------



## Faeleaf

firebelly1 said:


> These are the kinds of thoughts that plague my mind. Seeing a guy now that is very fit, eats clean, etc. My rear is a size 14 and I have Oprah arms. I have a hard time seeing how he could REALLY be attracted to me. His actions say he wants to have sex with me, but does that equate to attraction? That's my puzzle.
> 
> If sexual desire does equate to attraction, I THINK it's because the package of me, despite the above, is still pretty sexy.


If he wasn't attracted to you, he wouldn't be seeing you at all.


----------



## firebelly1

Faeleaf said:


> If he wasn't attracted to you, he wouldn't be seeing you at all.


Is that true men? For some reason I have it in my mind that men don't have to be attracted to want to have sex with someone.


----------



## richie33

You need to start thinking more in a positive light. We are not cavemen. 
Plenty of men like full sized women. He may be really into you but the way you are thinking will eventually turn a guy off. No one wants to start a relationship with someone so critical of themselves. Love that 14 size bottom and who you are. Confidence is very attractive to a man.


----------



## firebelly1

richie33 said:


> You need to start thinking more in a positive light. We are not cavemen.
> Plenty of men like full sized women. He may be really into you but the way you are thinking will eventually turn a guy off. No one wants to start a relationship with someone so critical of themselves. Love that 14 size bottom and who you are. Confidence is very attractive to a man.


My nit-picky analyzing may be giving the wrong impression. I'm confident and uninhibited sexually. I don't express any of these thoughts to the guy I'm with. It's really only when people cut off communication or marry me and then won't have sex with me.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

firebelly1 said:


> My nit-picky analyzing may be giving the wrong impression. I'm confident and uninhibited sexually. I don't express any of these thoughts to the guy I'm with. It's really only when people cut off communication or marry me and then won't have sex with me.


My two cents: Men find what's between the ears as sexy if not more than what's between a womans legs. Your brain can either produce negative thoughts or positive ones. With each thought, positive or negative, it shows on your face, with your gestures, your posture and your demeanor. Who do you gravitate towards, happy people or sad ones? Who do you think men will gravitate towards? Change your thought process and you will change your outcome. I can guarantee you the source of your angst isn't your butt.


----------



## BostonBruins32

No guy tolerates sex with his wife simply because of her being a little overweight. A guy would "tolerate" sex with his wife for a host of other reasons, but not because of weight. 

Remember, if you love someone and have a connection with them, it would take an extreme example for you not to want to be sexual witht hem. Back when I thought my wife loved me, I remember still sexually desiring her a short time after I just watched her give birth to our daughter. If her 'region' healed up the next day and the baby slept through the night immediately, I would have loved a romp session even after just witnessing the birth of our daughter. Im not sure this fits your discussion point exactly, but I just wanted to illustrate the point.


----------



## samyeagar

firebelly1 said:


> Is that true men? For some reason I have it in my mind that men don't have to be attracted to want to have sex with someone.


No more than women don't have to be attracted to a man to want to have sex with him/ This question right here is getting back to the whole...if he didn't know me, would he pick me out of the group of 100 other women.

My wife struggles with this issue from time to time, along the lines of what melw said. She knows the type that really trips my trigger, knows the type I have dated in the past, and she knows my ex wife, and it really brings out some insecurity sometimes. I have done, and continue to do everything I can to reassure her.


----------



## Thound

My wife weighed 95lbs when I married her. She is now ~150lbs. I have sex with her because I love her and I still desire her. She is the only woman I want. I see beautiful women out and about and on TV, but I only want my wife.


----------



## 2ntnuf

So, do women think that a man will pick a woman from a choice of a hundred standing in a lineup to be their partner for the rest of their life?

Do women think that men will take care of that choice and nurture the relationship for the rest of their life? 

Do women think that man will handle, tolerate(not sure how to phrase it), whatever, the family of that woman he picks from the lineup just by sight, for the rest of his life?

So women think men are that shallow when it comes to choices for life partners? 

I hope not. I don't think they do. 

Looks might make a man take notice, but it's the woman who decides on sex. Looks might make a man talk to a woman, but they don't cause him to put a ring on her finger.

A long time ago, some guy I worked with told me, "Show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a man who is tired of effing her". It's true and it relates to this thread because, if she is not compatible in other areas, it doesn't matter how good she looks. Eventually, the sex won't be worth the effort he has to put into the relationship to get it.


----------



## lifeistooshort

2ntnuf said:


> So, do women think that a man will pick a woman from a choice of a hundred standing in a lineup to be their partner for the rest of their life?
> 
> Do women think that men will take care of that choice and nurture the relationship for the rest of their life?
> 
> Do women think that man will handle, tolerate(not sure how to phrase it), whatever, the family of that woman he picks from the lineup just by sight, for the rest of his life?
> 
> So women think men are that shallow when it comes to choices for life partners?
> 
> I hope not. I don't think they do.
> 
> Looks might make a man take notice, but it's the woman who decides on sex. Looks might make a man talk to a woman, but they don't cause him to put a ring on her finger.
> 
> A long time ago, some guy I worked with told me, "Show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a man who is tired of effing her". It's true and it relates to this thread because, if she is not compatible in other areas, it doesn't matter how good she looks. Eventually, the sex won't be worth the effort he has to put into the relationship to get it.


I think there are some men who put a ring on someone's finger based on looks for the same reason some women choose a hb based on his bank account. Both have a higher likelihood of ending up unhappy.

The women's version of your saying is "marry for money and you'll earn every penny".

Some people are narrow minded, but maybe that's part of what makes the world go round. Think of all the trash TV we'd miss if it wasn't for such people 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2ntnuf

Noo sheet. hahaha


----------



## Big Tree

Married but Happy said:


> My ex used to refuse sex for many, many reasons, one of which was she felt fat and ugly (she wasn't, really). Over time, though, she convinced me it was true.


If the OP engages her husband in a marriage-long battle to convince him that her opinion of herself is the correct one, what happens if she wins that battle?


----------



## lifeistooshort

Don't know how I'd get out of bed every morning without the @#$&#@$ Kardashians on TV. Ha ha, I can't even type this with a straight face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wolf1974

If it hasn't already been mentioned also don't forget men greatly vary on what they find attractive. Some like thin women some like curvy more and some love heavier women. From what I hear over and over from my male friends at work is they tolerate having sex with their wives because they treat them like crap. only ever heard one say my wife let herself go so I'm not attracted to her. 

So I think guys can put out of their mind being treated like crap and still have sex with someone THEY find attractive but cant do the reverse. This may be the great divide between men and women as I'm wondering if women might not be the the opposite of this


----------



## 2ntnuf

Wolf1974 said:


> If it hasn't already been mentioned also don't forget men greatly vary on what they find attractive. Some like thin women some like curvy more and some love heavier women. From what I hear over and over from my male friends at work is they tolerate having sex with their wives because they treat them like crap. only ever heard one say my wife let herself go so I'm not attracted to her.
> 
> So I think guys can put out of their mind being treated like crap and still have sex with someone THEY find attractive but cant do the reverse. This may be the great divide between men and women as I'm wondering if women might not be the the opposite of this


That's biology. Can't use the tool if it doesn't have blood flow. So, there has to be attraction based on varying things which are different because we are individuals.

So, we have to be attracted or we will not be able to perform and then we will lose self-respect. And the spiral down continues.


----------



## bbdad

Yeah..it is the treating like crap that leads to "tolerate." My wife has gained weight over the years..just like nearly everyone else. That has not changed my attraction to her. People's "tastes" change over time as well. What I found attractive when I was 20 is not the same now that I am in my 40's.

What I hate is when a female's body image of herself is so bad that she is constantly complaining and acting depressed. That will drive many guys away quickly! My wife is going through that right now. I am in contest prep so I have lost a fair bit of fat and sit sub 7% body fat. She has gained about 30 lbs in the past year due to hormonal issues. She is flat out angry at me for getting into stage shape while she has only gained weight. That causes me to have little desire for her. However, I still have the physical desire for her. I find her attractive and tell her so - often. However, the attitude that comes back is just unattractive and kills desire.


----------



## richie33

bbdad said:


> Yeah..it is the treating like crap that leads to "tolerate." My wife has gained weight over the years..just like nearly everyone else. That has not changed my attraction to her. People's "tastes" change over time as well. What I found attractive when I was 20 is not the same now that I am in my 40's.
> 
> What I hate is when a female's body image of herself is so bad that she is constantly complaining and acting depressed. That will drive many guys away quickly! My wife is going through that right now. I am in contest prep so I have lost a fair bit of fat and sit sub 7% body fat. She has gained about 30 lbs in the past year due to hormonal issues. She is flat out angry at me for getting into stage shape while she has only gained weight. That causes me to have little desire for her. However, I still have the physical desire for her. I find her attractive and tell her so - often. However, the attitude that comes back is just unattractive and kills desire.


Classic projecting.


----------



## slimstickums

firebelly1 said:


> One of the insecurities I had in my marriage was that my husband was only having sex with me because he was horny and I was there but he wasn't really attracted to me because of my weight. I wonder if some of the wives who are not having sex because of their body-image feel the same way. I have read that here - that men will tell their wives they are beautiful and attractive but the wives don't believe it.
> 
> One of the reasons they may not believe it is this niggling doubt - he's just saying it but he doesn't mean it. I would like to know how real that doubt may be. Do you have sex with your overweight wife but don't feel real sexual desire for her?


I may get a lot flack for this but as a man physical appearance of my wife is very important, I lived with my previous G/F who was overweight by about 50 lbs.. I loved her with all my heart but the one issue that killed the relationship was her weight. Men can't "fake it" so she always knew what was up (or not up) It was made worse by her trying to compensate by getting on top and trying to act ****ty. When we did make love I had to put out of my mind the roll of fat and just enjoy being close because I loved her so much. I was willing to work around the weight issue but it messed with her head too much, and assumed I didn't love her.


----------



## Married but Happy

Big Tree said:


> If the OP engages her husband in a marriage-long battle to convince him that her opinion of herself is the correct one, what happens if she wins that battle?


She won the battle and lost the marriage. Her view of herself as nearly sexless convinced me to leave.


----------



## slimstickums

Personality can trump weight every time. Love will make us blind.


----------



## Caribbean Man

slimstickums said:


> Personality can trump weight every time. Love will make us blind.


Definitely.

I've actually seen that many times over.


----------



## yours4ever

Firebelly, 

I am thin (meaning, I don't have enough fat to make others believe I am an adult woman), I look fierce, I have small hooded eyes, thin lips, In short, I am not pretty.

I have flaws..who doesn't right? And when husbands add pretty gals on instagram etc, we are convinced we certainly cant compete with those sexy/cute/ pretty gals..


But (most important of all,) someone forgot to tell us that it is okay not to be pretty or have supermodel hair/body/ whatever....and still be loved by our husbands, parents, friends and even strangers.

It Is okay to look however you are right now...and you are worthy of respect, admiration and love.

"Okay,I'm fat. That's reality. I want to slim down. But right now, at this moment, I deserve to feel happy. 

I don't have those models' bla blah, and IT'S OKAY. I love myself. People still love me, especially when I am kind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## murphy5

yours4ever said:


> Firebelly,
> 
> I am thin (meaning, I don't have enough fat to make others believe I am an adult woman), I look fierce, I have small hooded eyes, thin lips, In short, I am not pretty.
> 
> I have flaws..who doesn't right? And when husbands add pretty gals on instagram etc, we are convinced we certainly cant compete with those sexy/cute/ pretty gals..


this is a big fallacy that women sometimes believe. They think because they are not as cute as 20 something hot babe, they can not compete. Hogwash. If you are willing to try being a seductress, have a kinky attitude, dress up to accentuate what assets you do have....there are not too many husbands out there that would not respond positively. I am not sure where you can go to learn those techniques...maybe by watching sexy Hollywood movies or something, but try. Maybe go to a bar with a dance floor, and spot the one or two sexiest women out their dancing....they may not be the prettiest, but they will be getting all the attention.  Try to study how they turn on the guys. Don't give up so easily! Guys really DO want to love and have great sex with their wives...don't force them away by giving up.


----------



## capstone4019

My wife is over weight and I am not as sexually attracted to her as I'd like. Frankly she looks better in clothes than out. Her weight also plays into her self image so I don't think she's as interested in sex as she would be if she was in shape. So it's a cycle. Nonetheless there are aspects of her body I'm crazy about so I 'focus' on what I have, not what I don't have. Neither partner has to be a super model for the sexual relationship to be pleasing.


----------



## SpinDaddy

SpinDaddy said:


> Howdy Firebelly, can you see the irreconcilable logic loop this thinking results in? “He’s just saying it, he doesn’t really mean it.” How will you ever know? Answer is you won’t at that rate.





firebelly1 said:


> It really is an irreconcilable logic loop. I really want to be able to get myself out of that loop and I'm not sure how. I can't read his mind. I suppose trusting actions is key.


I’m glad you caught that Firebelly, it’s a subtle point but it is the trump card.

I don’t know what to say. In human relationships trust is the leap of faith to all that is good. You’ll never truly get there if you never do it.

But appreciate also that the “logic loop” can be positive. Your man thinks you’re beautiful, he tells you, you’re sexy. You reciprocate being sexy and beautiful for him. He loves you more for that and you love him more in return.


----------



## OhGeesh

My wife has fluctuated from 117-140lbs she is 5'2 not counting pregnancy. 

I can tell you know if she was 5'[email protected] we would have problems. I don't know how people don't go ape **** when their spouse gains 100lbs or is clearly way way overweight. 

We all get older and it's harder to stay in shape. I get that, but gaining 100lbs is clear disregad and gluttony in most situations.


----------



## firebelly1

yours4ever said:


> Firebelly,
> 
> I am thin (meaning, I don't have enough fat to make others believe I am an adult woman), I look fierce, I have small hooded eyes, thin lips, In short, I am not pretty.
> 
> I have flaws..who doesn't right? And when husbands add pretty gals on instagram etc, we are convinced we certainly cant compete with those sexy/cute/ pretty gals..
> 
> 
> But (most important of all,) someone forgot to tell us that it is okay not to be pretty or have supermodel hair/body/ whatever....and still be loved by our husbands, parents, friends and even strangers.
> 
> It Is okay to look however you are right now...and you are worthy of respect, admiration and love.
> 
> "Okay,I'm fat. That's reality. I want to slim down. But right now, at this moment, I deserve to feel happy.
> 
> I don't have those models' bla blah, and IT'S OKAY. I love myself. People still love me, especially when I am kind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get this logic to a certain point. OF COURSE we are all worthy of love regardless of how we look. Or course we should love ourselves regardless of how we look. But as a 44 year old plump woman back in the dating pool, it is very clear that there are lots of men who have determined that I am NOT worth loving because of the way I look and that is simply a reality. 

I do get that if your wife gains weight after being together for years, it's different. You already love her. You lust after her for more than just her body. But as a single gal, I don't have all those years of him getting to know me as a person. 

I'm not whining about it - I accept it as reality. I'm just saying that this is the logic that rolls through my head when I'm in a dating situation with someone new. Maybe I should have made that distinction from the beginning but didn't really understand that it was different until I read some of the responses to this thread.


----------



## Mr. Nail

Hey Firebelly,
Sexy happens in your head. You can be sexy at your size, and I don't mean trashy. Sure there will be guys who will discount you due to size alone. There are men who are discounted due to height alone. 

My best advice to you is to go to Lane Bryant and buy a colorful bra. Best investment in sexy feeling. 
MN


----------



## firebelly1

I keep thinking I should post a photo of me so all y'all can see whereof I speak.


----------



## lenzi

I'm not married anymore and my girlfriend keeps herself in shape.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with an overweight woman, it's a complete turnoff for me.

I see lots of guys who are married to women who have put on a lot of weight since they first met. I think to myself.. if it was me I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole.

Sorry, but fat is unattractive. 

If you're overweight, and you're concerned about husband's attraction for you, then rather than sit at a computer and type about whether or not he's bothered by the fat.. get up, get out, go for a run and start losing it.


----------



## Quant

Brutal honesty time,if it was me I would tell her that she is no longer attractive to me and either she loses weight or I'm leaving.My wife knows this and thus make sure she keeps herself sexy for me its basic respect to me.I keep myself attractive for her and for myself,I want to be what I was when I got her so I can keep her.

So you better believe I want her to put forth the effort it took to get me everyday or she doesn't respect me.Effort in pleasing your partner shows you love them through action.


----------



## arman

Mr. Nail said:


> My wife was overweight when we married.
> 
> No I do not "tolerate" sex with my overweight wife. I crave it, I lust for it. I can't get enough of it. Always have.
> 
> MN


The same has always been true with me. My wife was already 125 pounds over her ideal weight when we met 16 years ago and has gained some more over the years. She also has a loving and caring personality. I never lost interest in her over the years but her level of interest in sex has declined sharply after having 2 children.


----------



## Quant

arman said:


> The same has always been true with me. My wife was already 125 pounds over her ideal weight when we met 16 years ago and has gained some more over the years. She also has a loving and caring personality. I never lost interest in her over the years but her level of interest in sex has declined sharply after having 2 children.


Good for you guys,for me its not something that can get me going.


----------



## alonetogether8

I read this thread out of curiosity, but I gained a little insight.

I am about a size 14, so yes, I am overweight. 

The thing is, I was heavier when I met my husband in 1997. Over the years I gained a lot of weight. I mean, a lot. He never stopped wanting sex though, and he never said anything to me about it. I wondered how he could want me being so big.

A few years ago I decided to lose weight for my health. I lost over 140 pounds. Yes, I was huge.

I thought I'd be happier with myslef when I lost weight, but the truth is when you've been overweight your whole life, your skin doesn't bounce back. My body does not look good, and I am just as ashamed now as I was back then. 

I wonder if this is one of the reasons he doesn't want me as much. 

I am still working on losing weight. It is not easy. I exercise a lot and can barely eat (over 1500 calories a day and I gain weight)

It's not just gluttony that causes people to become obese. There are a lot of variables involved.

Anyway, just my thoughts.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

alonetogether8 said:


> I wonder if this is one of the reasons he doesn't want me as much.



A lot of guys who prefer heavier gals are very insecure about thinner girls. He may feel you're out of his league now or that you'll cheat or leave. Or he may just prefer bigger. My wife has lost weight and at the same time does exactly zero for my ego or self esteem.


----------



## HuggyBear

When my wife gained a bit of weight, she asked me if it bothered me. I was able to quickly and truthfully reply "You know nothing's really changed... besides, I can find some 'kink' in anything". Once she heard that, she started a "program" the next day.

After she lost the weight, she was concerned about the little extra "sag" of the boobs. I just said "I don't want you to change anything AT ALL... but I love saggy boobs!" Hers, anyways.
She found a way to have fun with that.



WorkingOnMe said:


> A lot of guys who prefer heavier gals are very insecure about thinner girls. He may feel you're out of his league now or that you'll cheat or leave. Or he may just prefer bigger. My wife has lost weight and at the same time does exactly zero for my ego or self esteem.


I think what she means is that her loose skin - all the extra from being overweight for so long is very unattractive, and that is the reason why her husband is turned off, not because of some deficiency in her husband. She feels that it's extremely unattractive.


----------



## arman




----------



## clipclop2

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a tuxk if you've lost a lot of weight and have sagging skin. 

people who marry someone that's already overweight have a baseline attraction to that person so their comments on this thread really don't have the same impact as someone who is married to a person who is gain weight over the marriage. 

same thing goes for people who say that overweight is unattractive and they would never go out with someone like that. that maybe their opinion but it doesn't answer the question that was asked 

my husband gained a lot of weight over our marriage and it was really other factors that impacted my perception of him more than just the weight. his being overweight affect his energy level and the things that we can do together and it directly negatively impacts my attraction to him because I find that he's holding me back. His sex drive and performance are also negatively impacted. He Is finally, FINALLY addressing his health through exercise. I am proud of him. I can already see a difference in him: not in his weight or stamina but how he feels about himself for DOING something instead of complaining and lamenting and breathing hard and being sluggish.

That is pretty attractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr. Nail

firebelly1 said:


> I keep thinking I should post a photo of me so all y'all can see whereof I speak.


Due to the current state of the forum we can not encourage you to post pictures here or in private messages. 

In truth we have been trying to convince you that you can be attractive. Why would we encourage you to prove that you are not? I suspect in the end we would still disagree with your assessment. Most women are their own worst critics. 

Been shopping yet?
MN


----------



## awake1

alonetogether8 said:


> I read this thread out of curiosity, but I gained a little insight.
> 
> I am about a size 14, so yes, I am overweight.
> 
> The thing is, I was heavier when I met my husband in 1997. Over the years I gained a lot of weight. I mean, a lot. He never stopped wanting sex though, and he never said anything to me about it. I wondered how he could want me being so big.
> 
> A few years ago I decided to lose weight for my health. I lost over 140 pounds. Yes, I was huge.
> 
> I thought I'd be happier with myslef when I lost weight, but the truth is when you've been overweight your whole life, your skin doesn't bounce back. My body does not look good, and I am just as ashamed now as I was back then.
> 
> I wonder if this is one of the reasons he doesn't want me as much.
> 
> I am still working on losing weight. It is not easy. I exercise a lot and can barely eat (over 1500 calories a day and I gain weight)
> 
> It's not just gluttony that causes people to become obese. There are a lot of variables involved.
> 
> Anyway, just my thoughts.


I too have lost over 100lbs, and i'm surprised at how well my skin has bounced back. I do see some sagging however. Looking at pictures from 2 years ago shows it has "lifted' a bit. I may end up getting surgery. It depends.

I also have the body image issues, and i'm a guy. To myself I'll often wonder if there was any change in my appearance at all. Even though I know there must be, i concentrate so hard on my flaws i fail to notice the improvements. I had promised to post before/after photos to someone and I still debate it. 

Weight lifting has been a big help. Anyways the more i've lost the better the skin has looked.


----------



## tommyr

Now here is an interesting question for my situation.
My wife was attractively thin when we got together.
To be perfectly honest, that is one of the main physical attributes that first attracted me to her; I've never been interested in overweight females.

Fast forward: wife has gained a lot of weight (40#) over our marriage. Being honest again: I don't like this one bit! If we were not already married, I would *not* be physically attracted to her and would never initiate a relationship.

(In case you are wondering: I am same weight for the past 3 decades, single digit body fat, in better aerobic condition than most college athletes).

Now as for sex: wife is extremely LD or basically ZD (zero desire) while I am HD or perhaps ND (normal desire). My marriage was once sexless as a result, but we have recovered and now have a regular sex life based on my unstoppable desire.

I've somehow separated my sexual desire from my physical attraction (or lack thereof) to wife's current overweight body. Result is that my sex drive overpowers the physical aversion, and I eagerly have sex with wife.


----------



## clipclop2

wow. So based on your sex life your wife could have no idea that you're not actually attracted to her.

Have you ever told her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## samyeagar

clipclop2 said:


> wow. So based on your sex life your wife could have no idea that you're not actually attracted to her.
> 
> Have you ever told her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think this may be more common than some let on, and I am sure it goes both ways. It gets back to the question I asked earlier. Without the benefit of marriage, a shared lifetime of memories and experiences, if they were a complete stranger, would you pick you spouse out of a lineup based on physical attraction? I suspect the honest answer for many would be no.

My wife and I were looking through some old pictures she found last night, and she found a couple of her right after her divorce, and damn, I have to admit, from a purely physical standpoint, I'm a bit jealous of her ex husband getting to nail that...


----------



## always_alone

Have to say if I found out my h was just using me to get his rocks off, but closing his eyes and pretending another, I'd dump his a$$.

On the spot.


----------



## samyeagar

always_alone said:


> Have to say if I found out my h was just using me to get his rocks off, but closing his eyes and pretending another, I'd dump his a$$.
> 
> On the spot.


I would not tolerate being reduced to a masturbatory aide either.


----------



## changedbeliefs

At some point, in a long-term marriage, one person will essentially use the other just to get off. If it's the rule, it's a problem; to think it's not going to happen at times, is delusional.


----------



## ocotillo

My wife was 17 when I met her and 18 when we got married. (Yeah, I know that was *way *too young, but at least we waited to have children..)

At this point in life, we can talk in code that nobody else understands, we can have an entire conversation using nothing but movie lines just for fun, we not only can finish each others sentences, sometimes we can blurt out the entire sentence before the other person has even opened their mouth.

Nobody keeps their teenage thinness forever just like nobody keeps their youthful looks forever. Sex is about so much more than that.


----------



## clipclop2

Getting to nail that?

I can't believe you said that. 

You do get to have sex with her. She wasn't THAT then and she is not THAT now.

Do you realize how hurtful what you said is? Hit THAT.


----------



## clipclop2

Until reality smacks you and you can only blame yourself for wasting so much time with someone who doesn't really want you.


----------



## SurpriseMyself

lenzi said:


> I'm not married anymore and my girlfriend keeps herself in shape.
> 
> I wouldn't be in a relationship with an overweight woman, it's a complete turnoff for me.
> 
> I see lots of guys who are married to women who have put on a lot of weight since they first met. I think to myself.. if it was me I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole.
> 
> Sorry, but fat is unattractive.
> 
> If you're overweight, and you're concerned about husband's attraction for you, then rather than sit at a computer and type about whether or not he's bothered by the fat.. get up, get out, go for a run and start losing it.


Fat is unattractive. Old is unattractive. Uneducated is unattractive. Sexist is unattractive. Chauvinist is unattractive. Bald is unattractive. Blue collar is unattractive. Conservative is unattractive. Jerk is unattractive. Need I go on? 

Stop being so shallow...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tommyr

ebp123 said:


> Fat is unattractive. Old is unattractive. Uneducated is unattractive. Sexist is unattractive. Chauvinist is unattractive. Bald is unattractive. Blue collar is unattractive. Conservative is unattractive. Jerk is unattractive. Need I go on?
> 
> Stop being so shallow...


FAT is unique among these all because it's a physical attribute that is done to oneself purely by choice, it's a particularly obvious turnoff, and often the partner didn't start out being fat but sometime during the relationship decided (without consulting) that fat is acceptable.

For these reasons, nothing on your list can even come close to the sheer unattractiveness of FAT.

Old and bald are not actually a choice.
The others are not physical attributes, more like personality traits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arman

tommyr said:


> FAT is unique among these all because it's a physical attribute that is done to oneself purely by choice, it's a particularly obvious turnoff, and often the partner didn't start out being fat but sometime during the relationship decided (without consulting) that fat is acceptable.
> 
> For these reasons, nothing on your list can even come close to the sheer unattractiveness of FAT.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


FAT is not always something "done to oneself purely by choice." To think so is being totally insensitive. There are many legitimate medical conditions and presciption drugs that can cause one to gain weight. Loss of mobility from an accident or illness can cause weight gain. Having kids can cause slow metabolism. Ideally one should strive to reach their full potential toward being healthy and fit but sometimes being overweight is inevitable.

If a husband doesn't like the fact that his wife is overweight should offer his love and support to her to help develop a plan of lifestyle changes that they can make together as couple. If she is still overweight after making the lifestyle changes then you need to love and accept her for who she is. Do you remember your marriage vows?

Any husband who would verbally insult, abuse, or otherwise disrespect their overweight wife likely has imperfections and problems that would make their wife's weight problem seem pale in comparison.


----------



## SurpriseMyself

So being sexist, racist, chauvinist, is a choice, but because People are that way when you marry them that's not as ugly. Kinda like your attitude toward fat women? Did you tell your wife how much it bugs you to see a woman let herself go before you married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tommyr

ebp123 said:


> So being sexist, racist, chauvinist, is a choice, but because People are that way when you marry them that's not as ugly. Kinda like your attitude toward fat women? Did you tell your wife how much it bugs you to see a woman let herself go before you married?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If I start dating a girl who is obviously a sexist/chauvinist/conservative/jerk, and then I go on to marry her, well clearly those are things that don't bother ME (although many other people may find it unattractive).

On the other hand, I might NOT be attracted to girls who are sexist/chauvinist/conservative/jerk. In that case, I look for girls who seem to value the opposite traits, and I find a girl who actively does healthy things that further distance her from ever becoming sexist/chauvinist/conservative/jerk. And I get to know her and discover she's been doing these healthy things her entire life, long before we met, so it's not just an "act" that she's now pretending to be anti-sexist/anti-chauvinist/anti-conservative/anti-jerk.

Then I marry this girl and a few years down the road, she decides it's actually much easier for her to be sexist/chauvinist/conservative/jerk, so she stops doing whatever healthy things she had done previously, and in fact she takes active steps towards being sexist/chauvinist/conservative/jerk. 

At that point, my original preference for girls who ARE NOT sexist/chauvinist/conservative/jerk would mean that suddenly now my own wife is "unattractive" by my standard.


----------



## clipclop2

If you marry someone with the belief that they will never change you are marrying in a state of delusion. A spouse can have any number of changes throughout their lives INCLUDING losing weight and that still throws of the dynamic. The point is that you made a commitment to the person, not the body type. I hope a few of these guys never have an accident or require meds that put on weight. 

My husband gaining weight caused other issues that affected my attraction but it didn't impact my animal attraction. The other things were my emotional attraction.


----------



## Mr. Nail

O K something is bothering me about the direction this thread has taken and I’m going to try to explain it. Sexual attraction is not just a physical thing.

I may see in an average trip to the grocery store 30 women. They will have various physical attributes. Some may match my current partner; some may approach my preferred physical attraction criteria. Nevertheless I don’t fantasize about them, I don’t chat them up, and I don’t try to have sex with them. You may think that this is because I have boundaries. You would only be partly right. The truth is that “Without the benefit of marriage, a shared lifetime of memories and experiences”, I’m not sexually attracted to them. 

So while my wife is not the perfect model of my physical attraction criteria, I do not “closing his eyes and pretending another”. In fact I find my physical attraction criteria shift closer to the reality of the person that I do love

Often (and the case with our forgotten OP) people get so focused on what they don’t have, youth, fitness, health, hair, that they convince themselves that no one does want them and they are left feeling resentful and “reality smacks you and you can only blame yourself for wasting so much time with someone who doesn't really want you”. And they drive away the people who do in fact “want them”.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Mr. Nail said:


> O K something is bothering me about the direction this thread has taken and I’m going to try to explain it. Sexual attraction is not just a physical thing.
> 
> I may see in an average trip to the grocery store 30 women. They will have various physical attributes. Some may match my current partner; some may approach my preferred physical attraction criteria. Nevertheless I don’t fantasize about them, I don’t chat them up, and I don’t try to have sex with them. You may think that this is because I have boundaries. You would only be partly right. The truth is that “Without the benefit of marriage, a shared lifetime of memories and experiences”, I’m not sexually attracted to them.
> 
> So while my wife is not the perfect model of my physical attraction criteria, I do not “closing his eyes and pretending another”. In fact I find my physical attraction criteria shift closer to the reality of the person that I do love
> 
> Often (and the case with our forgotten OP) people get so focused on what they don’t have, youth, fitness, health, hair, that they convince themselves that no one does want them and they are left feeling resentful and “reality smacks you and you can only blame yourself for wasting so much time with someone who doesn't really want you”. And they drive away the people who do in fact “want them”.


Amen...and thank you.

I think my x2 thought when I closed my eyes during sex, I was dreaming of being with some other woman. Nothing was further from the truth. I was actually enjoying how she felt to me. I was basking in the pleasure I was feeling from her body. 

She wasn't my ideal body type, but that didn't matter. What she had was so sexy, it was great. The issue for me was her doubt and the encounters I "knew" she was having, along with my own personal issues surrounding desire. 

And no, she never talked about any of that stuff with me. We weren't in a place to talk about this. It's the old problem of assumptions. We assume so much and then make life changing decisions based on assumptions.


----------



## samyeagar

clipclop2 said:


> Getting to nail that?
> 
> I can't believe you said that.
> 
> You do get to have sex with her. She wasn't THAT then and she is not THAT now.
> 
> Do you realize how hurtful what you said is? Hit THAT.


"Oh, I looked good. Bet you wouldn't have minded getting to nail THAT" Were my wife's exact words when she showed me the picture of herself...said with a wink and a smile.


----------



## firebelly1

So update from the OP (me). My ex husband used to tell me he found my big butt attractive. Through most of my marriage he told me he liked the way I looked (but would only have sex with me once a month.) During an attempted reconciliation we gave each other lists of things that hadn't been working for us during the marriage - things that we each thought would need to change in order for our marriage to work. One of the things on his list was that I was overweight. Specifically, he said that I got to have a hot guy on my arm when we went places and he would like to have the same privilege - being proud of the way his partner looks. 

When I read that on his list I assumed that all those times he'd told me that I was attractive to him he had been lying. So yesterday I actually talked to him about it and told him that - that reading that made me think he had not really found me attractive. He said, "The two aren't mutually exclusive. I can find you attractive and still want you to lose some weight." Fortunately I was in a good mental place to hear that and it gave me comfort. People are more complex than we often give them credit for.


----------



## lenzi

firebelly1 said:


> When I read that on his list I assumed that all those times he'd told me that I was attractive to him he had been lying. So yesterday I actually talked to him about it and told him that - that reading that made me think he had not really found me attractive. He said, "The two aren't mutually exclusive. I can find you attractive and still want you to lose some weight." Fortunately I was in a good mental place to hear that and it gave me comfort. People are more complex than we often give them credit for.


You're giving him way too much credit.


----------



## clipclop2

I want my husband to lose weight but I still find him attractive. If it were not for how his getting tired so easily gets in the way of my fun his weight wouldn't bother me much. I say much because it bothers me that he is unhealthy. When I am angry at other things in our marriage it is easy to also just see him as fat and lazy. It is the other things that make that characterization enter my mind, not his actual weight. It is a cheap shot.

I think my husband is good looking. When he drops the weight he will be more attractive not just because he will look better but because we will be able to do more things together. That will increase my emotional attraction.


----------



## SunnyWife

I'm in that category of having been relatively slim (for me) when Hubby & I started dating and gained weight from having had 4 kids and keeping it on over the years. Our sex life never suffered, which honestly surprised me but I was certainly not going to argue. At some point during our early married years I was watching a talk show and the message of that episode was "sexy is as sexy does, not as sexy looks" and I've always held onto that little nugget of truth.

Fast forward a number of years and it was painfully obvious that I needed to loose the weight -- 60 lb of it to be exact. I made a lifestyle change and got the weight off. The struggle now is keeping the weight off, but happy to say that I've successfully kept it off for 4 years now. Not saying I am skinny by any means but only 10 lbs heavier now than when I got married. As I get older, I'll be 46 soon, its not getting any easier to keep the weight off let me tell you... I'm a size medium in most clothing stores so I am content with that.

In all complete honesty Hubby was very happy when I started losing the weight and I actually asked him one day why he hadn't said anything all those years. His answer? He hadn't noticed it. He admitted, though, that once I started losing the weight he definitely could tell the difference and certainly appreciated it.

At some level I've always been insecure about my weight since I am a heavier-set, well-endowed, curvy lady but over the past year or two I've started to sincerely clue into the fact that there are plenty of men who honestly prefer that. I've always just figured that my Hubby loves me for who I am -- which he does I'm sure -- but cluing into the fact that lots of men like curvy women has changed how I feel about myself. Not that I need other men... but hopefully that makes sense! :scratchhead:


----------



## firebelly1

lenzi said:


> You're giving him way too much credit.


How so?


----------



## clipclop2

Lenzi thinks her husband is lying.


----------



## Soma289

There are those of us men who are attracted to curvy women. I am one of those guys. I have never been attracted to pencil-thin women with bones showing through the skin - that's just not attractive to me at all. Even average weight women to me aren't as attractive as women who have a little weight on them. Now I say a little - I'm not into morbidly obese women.


----------

