# Husband seeking any hope/advice



## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

Hello, my wife and I are considering MC because right now our marriage is falling apart and I'm wondering if we should go through with the MC. 

A little back story. I am 31 years old and my wife is 26 years old. We have been married for 4 years and have been with each other for a total of 8 years. We have a 6 year old son together. I was addicting to online video games before meeting her and during most of our marriage (completely quit a little over 2 months ago and have no desire to play them again whatsoever. 

The problem is, she feels I have neglected her during most of our relationship together and looking back since I quit playing games, I'd tend to agree (although I was not doing so intentionally)

She told me that she is not sure if she wants to be with me anymore. Since this ripped my heart out, I kept pushing her about if she means a divorce. She said I am backing her into a corner and finally said yes but said it in a way that was telling me I forced her into that decision. Over the last 2 months we have been trying to work on it and we have been going out and doing more together. But I still got scared and would question her about us.

She tells me she cares for me and wants to see me happy. But says she has nothing more to give me. She tells me she has a lot of anger built up in her for making her feel neglected and unwanted, but says she is not mad at me. Anytime we talk about it, she tears up and starts to cry. It brings a lot of emotional pain to her and I feel horrible that I have caused this.

During most of those years together she was very devoted to me and would do anything for me and I was too stupid to see what I have. I know she is overstressed with life and she works 6 days a week.

Last night she went and stayed with her mother. She is going to stay there for sometime. 

As far as sex goes, we still have sex and she says she is still sexually attracted to me. She tells me she thinks I'm getting the wrong idea because we still have sex.

Talking with her today she has agreed for her and I go to to individual counseling and then maybe MC. She says she has to take everything one day at a time. But with her telling me there is nothing left in her for me, her telling me she is not "In Love" with me anymore and that she doesn't know if she will ever be, is there any hope any MC will fix this.

Thanks,
CommittedHusband


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Wow! Is there any way to start "dating" her again? If she is still sexually attracted to you, then to be sure she can fall in love with you again. You need to stop "pushing" her though and let things happen naturally....like in he beginning. You also need to spend some "quality" family time together, if she wants to, with your child involved. Be there for them. Go camping, go on picnics, to the park.....anything. Just be there.............if she wants you to. But don't try to have such heavy conversations. Tell her that you love her and want her.........if that's what you feel. She may come back around, or she may not. In time, you'll know the answer! I wish you the best!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You've made some life changes and stuck to them for 60 days. Good for your but she has to see this change is for good before she'll make any real efforts to reconnect. I agree with SW, don't push her, don't dote on her. Let it come about naturally. You got in this situation over time. Time will be what helps the reconnection process.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Wow! Is there any way to start "dating" her again? If she is still sexually attracted to you, then to be sure she can fall in love with you again. You need to stop "pushing" her though and let things happen naturally....like in he beginning. You also need to spend some "quality" family time together, if she wants to, with your child involved. Be there for them. Go camping, go on picnics, to the park.....anything. Just be there.............if she wants you to. But don't try to have such heavy conversations. Tell her that you love her and want her.........if that's what you feel. She may come back around, or she may not. In time, you'll know the answer! I wish you the best!


Thank you for the advice southern wife. 

Somethings I forgot to mention which is probably easily seen from everything I wrote is, she says she is very unhappy. Not just with me, but very unhappy all together. She says she is not even sure what love is. She is very confused and I have caused that confusion. Also, when she told me the other day that she has nothing left to give, she said not just for me but for anyone and she doesn't want to be in a relationship but is scared to be alone.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> You've made some life changes and stuck to them for 60 days. Good for your but she has to see this change is for good before she'll make any real efforts to reconnect. I agree with SW, don't push her, don't dote on her. Let it come about naturally. You got in this situation over time. Time will be what helps the reconnection process.


Thanks Amplexor,

Is it possible for someone to reconnect and fall in love with someone all over again after feeling the way she does. I only ask because I have never stopped loving her and I don't know exactly what emotions take place with someone in her place.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

CommittedHusband said:


> Thank you for the advice southern wife.
> 
> She says she is not even sure what love is. She is very confused and I have caused that confusion. Also, when she told me the other day that she has nothing left to give,


Of course she feels that way. She's been giving and giving and giving all these years and has gotten nothing in return. It's YOUR time to give to her.........the time that she needs to figure herself out, give time of yourself - offer to take her to dinner, the movies, the park, picnics, a vacation, etc. She probably still does love you; it's just clouded in her suppressed anger over being neglected all these year.

BUT don't push for any "conversation about the relationship". Just be there, spend time, live, laugh..................and love.  Hopefully it will all come back to her why she fell in love with you in the first place. Just take the time (not in words, but actions).


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

CommittedHusband said:


> Thanks Amplexor,
> 
> Is it possible for someone to reconnect and fall in love with someone all over again after feeling the way she does.


Yup, my wife did. Took a lot of time and effort on both of our parts to recover but we did. See "When is Enough, Enough" in the Reconciliation forum.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> Yup, my wife did. Took a lot of time and effort on both of our parts to recover but we did. See "When is Enough, Enough" in the Reconciliation forum.


:iagree: 

When my marriage hit the 7-year mark, I thought to myself "ILYBNILWY"......but I never said anything to him. I also thought "it's the 7-year itch; it will pass"......and THANK GOD it did. I couldn't imagine my life w/o my husband and I tell him everyday that I love him.......and my daughter. Yes, it can happen. Like I already mentioned, it's good that she is still sexually attracted to you........that's way more than 1/2 the battle!


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

Thank you both so much for the input.

I read that thread Amp and it was very uplifting. It actually brought tears to my eyes because up until now, i had very little hope but just don't want to give up on her during our hard time. Patients she something I know I need to work on, but is so hard to do during very emotional times.


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## Judgment (Aug 7, 2012)

Good for you, you're already making steps to change (quitting gaming, going to IC, etc). Try to spice up your romance life by taking her out on surprise dates , communicate with your wife more, and show that these changes are permanent (this will take some time but stick with it). It'll make up for all the times you've neglected her and show her that you're fully committed to her from now on.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

CommittedHusband said:


> Talking with her today she has agreed for her and I go to to individual counseling and then maybe MC. She says she has to take everything one day at a time. But with her telling me there is nothing left in her for me, her telling me she is not "In Love" with me anymore and that she doesn't know if she will ever be, is there any hope any MC will fix this.


Sure there is. You just have to win her affection just like you did the first time. Could be a lot of fun if you approach it in the right way.

Dude, your wife's feelings have everything to do with her self image and little to do with you except for any damage you may have done to her feelings about herself. You can turn this around. Build her up. Make her feel good about herself. Show total attention. Say nothing but good things about her to her all the time. Take her places, say good things about her in front of people, don't let anyone criticize her, defend her at all times.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

This is a little harsh...

This looks like a "married too young" senario. Your wife is throwing out all kinds of reasons that she's not in love with you but I think she's just maturing. She now has a better idea of what she wants in a man. Being addicted to video games is very immature and I'm betting that's how she sees you. She lost respect for you when you were sitting there playing with yourself while ignoring her. You didn't meet her needs because you thought the vitural world was more important then the her. I think the only option you have to keep your wife is to change your behavior radically. Stop the gaming nonsense forever. Make a point to get rid of the game console and start acting like someone she can respect. She knows the old you already and doesn't like it. I don't think a gradual change in your behavior towards her is going to work.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> This is a little harsh...
> 
> Your wife is throwing out all kinds of reasons that she's not in love with you but I think she's just maturing. She now has a better idea of what she wants in a man. Being addicted to video games is very immature and I'm betting that's how she sees you. She lost respect for you when you were sitting there playing with yourself while ignoring her. You didn't meet her needs because you thought the vitural world was more important then the her. I think the only option you have to keep your wife is to change your behavior radically. Stop the gaming nonsense forever. *Make a point to get rid of the game console and start acting like someone she can respect.* She knows the old you already and doesn't like it. I don't think a gradual change in your behavior towards her is going to work.


:iagree:


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

I played games on the computer and I already told her that I am getting rid of the computer. I know saying it and actually doing it are two different things but I have no desire to be on my gaming computer anymore. Ever since I quit gaming 2 months ago, I haven't even had the system hooked up. I have even considered just throwing it in the garbage to show her I mean business even though it is an expensive system. Nothing in this world means more to me than her and my son.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree with everyone else....wooo her, bring her flowers, take her out on the town, go for walks, movies.. do everything you didn't do while you were playing computer games! and if all turns out well and she comes back, keep having fun together too


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> I agree with everyone else....wooo her, bring her flowers, take her out on the town, go for walks, movies.. do everything you didn't do while you were playing computer games! and if all turns out well and she comes back, keep having fun together too


I think this is some very good advice, but what if she is resistant to any of this. She says I went from one extreme (playing video games and neglecting her) to the opposite extreme (clinging to her and loading her down with attention). She keeps telling me I need to let her go. I asked why not one more chance and she said she gave me many chances. She said she was giving me a chance until I backed her in a corner and forced her to give me an answer on divorce. But she says she wants to hold off on the divorce and that was a chance as well. She also said her accepting to see a individual councellor was also a chance. But when she tells me things like I need to just let her go that wrecks any chance she gives me imo.

I asked her if there is anyone else and she says no. These problems are only between us. I said are you trying to date someone and she replied no. She said she is not seeking to date anyone else, but if it happens, then it happens. I honestly don't believe she has anyone in mind. But it scares me to death to even think about my wife with anyone else. She has some self confidence issues. It upsets her when she goes out to a bar with some girlfriends and no one hits on her. It gets her emotional and cries a bit over it. I feel like she is searching for that wanted feeling and when it comes from me it either feels fake or thats how it is suppose to be anyways.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

CommittedHusband said:


> I think this is some very good advice, but what if she is resistant to any of this. She says I went from one extreme (playing video games and neglecting her) to the opposite extreme (clinging to her and loading her down with attention). She keeps telling me I need to let her go. I asked why not one more chance and she said she gave me many chances. She said she was giving me a chance until I backed her in a corner and forced her to give me an answer on divorce. But she says she wants to hold off on the divorce and that was a chance as well. She also said her accepting to see a individual councellor was also a chance. But when she tells me things like I need to just let her go that wrecks any chance she gives me imo.
> 
> I asked her if there is anyone else and she says no. These problems are only between us. I said are you trying to date someone and she replied no. She said she is not seeking to date anyone else, but if it happens, then it happens. I honestly don't believe she has anyone in mind. But it scares me to death to even think about my wife with anyone else. She has some self confidence issues. It upsets her when she goes out to a bar with some girlfriends and no one hits on her. It gets her emotional and cries a bit over it. I feel like she is searching for that wanted feeling and when it comes from me it either feels fake or thats how it is suppose to be anyways.



This sounds to me like she's testing the waters before she jumps out of the boat. If you say she longs for male attention when she's out with her girlfriends, that to me shouts that she wants attention, and not from you. I can see why she probably felt neglected when you were playing video games all the time, but there's no need for her be having you on an invisible leash now that she's decided to leave. 

She said no when you asked her if she is trying to date anyone, but then she says if it happens it happens? That's not acceptable if she is still married to you. That's just a manipulative way of her trying to keep you around while she allows for men to seek her out. and on another note....are you certain that she wouldn't be already dating someone? People having an A usually are good liars when they are in it. What is your gut telling you?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

My exh and I had extremely similar issues. Got married young + he had an online gaming addiction.

Your wife has lost all respect for you as a man. She sees you as a child she had to take care of (in addition to your actual child) rather than a man who was there to be a full partner. When you couple that with the fact that she likely doesn't have any other relationship experience, she is left wondering if there might be better options out there. A real man.

2 months isn't going to make up for 8 years of neglect. As others have said, you have to start over. Don't act clingy. That will only make her respect you even less. You need to act like a man who can take care of himself, can take care of his child and have plenty of time and energy left over to take care of a woman in his life. 

If she has self-esteem issues, this gaming thing has been a major contributor. The person who was supposed to love her chose a VIDEO GAME over her for 8 years. Think about what that must do to her self-esteem. Now that she has the backbone to leave, you start groveling. You haven't really chosen her. You just reacted out of fear of losing someone that took care of everything while you played around. At least that is what she is thinking. You have to show her that you WANT HER and would never again choose to play a game over spending time with her.

Give her time. Go to IC, go to MC and do everything you can to show her that you can be the man that she deserves.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> are you certain that she wouldn't be already dating someone? People having an A usually are good liars when they are in it. What is your gut telling you?


It's hard to trust my gut because it has gotten me in trouble with some of this issue, but right now my gut is telling me she really isn't having an affair. I honestly believe since I was her first love and everytime she gave me all her love I would reject it by playing games (at the time I didn't feel like I was rejecting it but looking back now I totally get how she felt) she may possibly be searching for something better and to make her happy. I know all she wants is to be happy. When I look in her eyes, I see so much unhappiness. I told her that I want her to be happy but I want to experience that happiness with her which may not even be an option.

I just know while I rejected her love she was trying very hard. And this sounds bad on my part, but now that I am no longer rejecting her love and want to give 110% of myself to her, she is rejecting me. I just feel like if it can ever be at a point where we are both trying at it, it could possibly work. 

Right now I feel like I'm in a no win situation. If she is able to go out and experience life with others, then she will be done. But if I keep trying it doesn't seem promising either.

She told me I need to get out on my own and experience life too. Go have fun and we can go from there. I agree with her, its just so hard to go out and have fun with a broken heart.

I appreciate everyone's advice and everything sounds like great advice, I'm just scared I will make bad choices. My fear really gets in the way a lot.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

If it were for me... I'd suggest you put your 'offer' on paper. Tell her you love her and that your sorry and that your also 100% committed to rebuilding your marriage. But that you will give her the space she has asked for

Now the ball is in her court..... leave her alone.... don't phone, text, stalk...

You can't force her to want you. Being needy and clingy will drive her away even more. Give her time to miss you.

If she contacts you and wants to talk... be your very best self and be someone she would want to hang out with/ date/be married to.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> Yup, my wife did. Took a lot of time and effort on both of our parts to recover but we did. See "When is Enough, Enough" in the Reconciliation forum.


Mine too! Patience is the key.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think you need to learn the 180 for your own good. It will make you more attractive, less needy and give her space.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CommittedHusband said:


> I played games on the computer and I already told her that I am getting rid of the computer. I know saying it and actually doing it are two different things but I have no desire to be on my gaming computer anymore. Ever since I quit gaming 2 months ago, I haven't even had the system hooked up. I have even considered just throwing it in the garbage to show her I mean business even though it is an expensive system. Nothing in this world means more to me than her and my son.


My husband did what you did for 10 years... spent all his time playing PC games. Mine also stopped working and only does that.

I am assuming that you work. You do right?

Telling her that you will get rid of the game PC and not doing it is a HUGE red flag. Get rid of it. Don't make some silly dramatic scene by throwing a good computer in the trash. Find a non-profit that needs a good computer and give it to them.

Get rid of all your games as well.

I divorced my husband since he will not stop playing the games and he will not engage in life.

Women do not respect men who do not pull their own weight in the marriage. Somehow you would need to show her that you have finally grown up and intend to start acting like a grown up and a husband. Two months is not enough time to prove anything. 6 months to a year with NO relapses is the minimum I'd think for her to start believing that you have changed.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

Ok, so my wife took my son up to go get a haircut and she brings him back and asked if I didn't want her to come in and I replied, "I don't mind if you come in. You are welcome to come in since this is your place too." I think she asked because I was standing in the doorway and thought I was blocking her from coming in but I thought she was wanting to leave right away.

So I asked her if she is able to watch our son tomorrow night after she gets off work and she said yes but asked why. So I told her I am going to go out with a friend tomorrow night because I have been for the most part stuck in the house and not wanting to leave. So she ask who am I going out with. I replied a friend from work. She asked who and told her who it was. A good buddy of mine. She said, thats good that you are getting out. You need to. She looked like she could use a hug , so I asked her if she would like a hug. She said yes. It was an extended hug. Then she said she needed to go to Kohl's to get a pillow case and she has a $10 certificate there. I said cool. She walked to the door then turned and acted weird. She said it seemed weird because she leaves without kissing me goodbye since thats what we use to do before all this issues came to light. To me seemed weird too because for the past 2 months she hasn't wanted to kiss me. So I told her, do you need a kiss? She walked over and kissed me on the lips. Nothing romantic or anything. Just a quick kiss on the lips. She said after, that was kind of weird. I agreed with her because its been so long that she wanted to kiss me.

Right now, I am not trying to see it as her giving me any hope. Because as soon as I do, I seem to mess up somewhere. I kind of feel like its not her trying to give me hope. Just seemed out of place.

Then she asked do I know how much money we have in the bank and I told her. Plenty enough for her to go to Kohl's. We haven't gotten separate bank accounts or anything. But she asked, do you think I need to get a separate bank account. I told her that is her decision. She said, I trust you but I feel like I have to tell you anytime I spend money. That comes from me always watching our money too closely and making her feel controlled. I understand that. I told her I trust her with the money as well, and told her she does not have to ask about spending money. I explained I have been working on my control issues. She said, I know but that is how it always was. I said, I know but not anymore. I know you are an adult and will make good decisions with money (She always has).

Her up beat attitude has through me for a loop. She also said she doesn't really want to buy a air mattress for her mothers (the guest mattress really hurts her back) because she doesn't know if she will need it forever.

I know these aren't signs of change, but something inside of me is trying to see them as hope and I feel wrong for even possibly thinking they are.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> My husband did what you did for 10 years... spent all his time playing PC games. Mine also stopped working and only does that.
> 
> I am assuming that you work. You do right?
> 
> ...


Yeah, I have a full-time job and she does as well. Work has never been an issue with me. I think it has to do with me understanding our child is relying on both of us to put food on the table and clothes on his back.

I am so sorry to hear your husband would not give up on pc gaming. I know so many people that just will not let it go. It is all that matters to them in life. I'm just hoping it hasn't ruined my marriage.

As far as the computer goes, I told her I am willing to toss it in the trash and she rejected that idea saying we spent a lot of money on it. I told her I am going to sell it then. She still puts me first when it comes to that stuff. Saying its my computer and I don't have to do that. We have a macbook pro too but we just use it to do online banking and checking email and such. No gaming on it whatsoever. I don't think it could even do it. I told her I don't need the computer anymore. What purpose is it serving. She didn't respond. I think I will sell the pc and use the money to possibly take her out on the town if she is willing sometime in the future.

I agree, I don't think these 2 months should entitle me to gain her back. I know it is going to take some time and possibly may never work out. But she is worth it no matter what.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I just read an entire 18 page thread where a guy got his ILYBINILWY back in November and he finally gave up. 9 months of hell only to lose. I apologized for giving him this advice when it was too late.

She's gone. They don't come back. Sorry. Start getting your life together. read up on the 180. Make yourself better for you and your son. It's hard-wired for women to fall out of love w/ their husbands after 5-10 years together. At least yours told you somewhat early on. You're young. You can start over. I envy you.

She's gone, and nothing's gonna' bring her back. Start living your life again.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

MrK said:


> It's hard-wired for women to fall out of love w/ their husbands after 5-10 years together.


What??

Who told you this?? A link please MrK???

No-one told me... 

I'm a good 20 years late in falling out of love with my man. Do i have to stop shagging him and sucking his d!ck? 

Heck!! 
No-one told me!!


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

MrK said:


> I just read an entire 18 page thread where a guy got his ILYBINILWY back in November and he finally gave up. 9 months of hell only to lose. I apologized for giving him this advice when it was too late.
> 
> She's gone. They don't come back. Sorry. Start getting your life together. read up on the 180. Make yourself better for you and your son. It's hard-wired for women to fall out of love w/ their husbands after 5-10 years together. At least yours told you somewhat early on. You're young. You can start over. I envy you.
> 
> She's gone, and nothing's gonna' bring her back. Start living your life again.


Hard-wired? That phrase gets thrown around so much on this site. What does it even mean?

I've been in love with my husband for more than 20 years. Guess I must be wired wrong.

OP, I'm sorry you're in this position. All you can do is continue to show her you've changed. Are you going to marriage counselling?


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## July7 (Aug 8, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> This is a little harsh...
> 
> This looks like a "married too young" senario. Your wife is throwing out all kinds of reasons that she's not in love with you but I think she's just maturing. She now has a better idea of what she wants in a man. Being addicted to video games is very immature and I'm betting that's how she sees you. She lost respect for you when you were sitting there playing with yourself while ignoring her. You didn't meet her needs because you thought the vitural world was more important then the her. I think the only option you have to keep your wife is to change your behavior radically. Stop the gaming nonsense forever. Make a point to get rid of the game console and start acting like someone she can respect. She knows the old you already and doesn't like it. I don't think a gradual change in your behavior towards her is going to work.


I agree with said quote above. I was married at 23, my husband at 21. I have seen over the years with me, how much different I was then as to opposed to me now. My hubby was a huge gamer, and that didnt seem to bother me as much as it does today. I also have realized that my wants and needs have changed dramatically over the years. He seems to be kinda still the same in most ways.

It is wonderful you have changed.. However I feel that the change is more for you, than for her. You probably are also growing and maturing. 

If it were me, no matter how hard it would be, I would not sleep with her at all right now. That will just hurt you and is not fair to you at all. Plus, she will have to respect you more if you set some boundries. She probably feels like she has gained control over you completely and has you wrapped around her finger at this point. 

Remain strong. Everyhting will work out for you in the end. Maybe the marriage counseling will work!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

CommittedHusband said:


> I think this is some very good advice, but what if she is resistant to any of this. She says I went from one extreme (playing video games and neglecting her) to the opposite extreme (clinging to her and loading her down with attention). She keeps telling me I need to let her go.


Reread the first post in WIEE. Don't dote on her, don't try and fix it all in a weekend. If she sees you completely change your personality she will know you can't sustain that for life! She needs to see you make the efforts that are sustainable, real and positive. Not a metamorphosis to a man she doesn't recognize. If gaming is the primary issue get rid of it but remember if you make that decision it has to be for good. Make sure you are ready to live with that. As far as your statement on patience, I am not by nature a patient man and before R had a lot of issues with anger. You need to move passed looking at time frames. During our R one of the things I did was get rid of time frames and bench marks. When they are set in the mental state you are in now they serve no purpose, they are emotionally driven not logically. Don't hang your hopes on a kiss, or hug because in the long term they aren't even a blip on the radar. Keep up a steady and committed effort to improve the marriage and chances are pretty good. Your wife is showing some positive signs so be strong for her. As far as the defeatist attitude posted above, I throw the BS flag. Blanket statements that they never come back are crap. Lack of gumption, commitment and a confident attitude breeds failure. Don't take that route. And if you spend 9 months fighting for your marriage and it still fails you can walk away with pride that you did all you could to save it. So sad so many don't even make the effort.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

Amp, thank you so much for your advice. I completely understand what you are saying. My wife came over this morning to get a shirt for work. 

We actually had a decent conversation. I told her I really don't want every time we talk for it to get so serious. I see it emotionally upsets her. She starts to cry whenever I say anything about how I know what I did to her and how I made her feel for so many years. Right now, I think she is trying to block all that emotion because it truly hurts her.

We even talked about how I sometimes let the voice in my head control me. She has never given me a reason over our whole relationship to not trust her. She told me, the person she is, she still feels like she belongs to me and she could not cheat with someone. I honestly believe her. She looked at me and said, I feel like I have to reiterate this. My heart is not with anyone. I have nothing left to give anyone right now. And this made her cry. 

She also brought up the fact that she just wants to go out and have fun. Neither of us really did that during our relationship. Sure, we would go out every now and then, but nothing socially or hang out with friends, other than family bbq.

I told her I feel the same way she does. I want to go out and hang out with friends. I don't mean that we have to go out together all the time and hang out with friends. I let her know that its ok if she wants to go out with her friends somewhere and not feel guilty. In the past, I would lay some guilt trip on her because I felt jealous. I have had some problems with me feeling jealous before we ever met and during the time we've been together.

I told her, I honestly feel watching my parents while growing up, I took away some of how my dad treated my mother. They are still together, but he is very controlling and jealous.

I completely understand this is going to take some time to work through. I expressed to her I that I know I have always been a person that wants an answer right away. I told her, it does me no good and it doesn't let you have the time to work on how you actually feel. She has a bunch of emotions bottled up in her. She is the type that would rather bottle them up then deal with them. I think this has caused her great stress.

She just doesn't want to give me any hope. It maybe true. But I also feel that she thinks that if I see hope, it will sidetrack my progress I'm making on myself. And I understand why she would think that. None of my actions in the past would say different.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I have been where your wife is. Feeling bottled up. Because I tend to bottle my emotions about things too and for years tried and tried to make my marriage a great one, while my H put his mind into cheating in any way, shape, form. That was our issue.

My H didn't have a huge problem with gaming. He did game on the computer one time for half a year all day every day while I worked, and did a lot of gaming on his PS3 for a long time too. It never bothered me as much as his lies. But I do know one thing. We both never dealt with my anger towards him and I grew resentful after he decided to become a better man..I thought "oh, so he thinks he can just stop all his cheating (for you, gaming) and everything is going to be just peachy on my end (and I also did not have trust for him either still). And it lead to horrible things happening on my part. And that lead to even more horrible things on his part. 

For your situation, it sounds like your W is resenting you for suddenly wanting your marriage to do a complete turnaround. And you said you have been the controlling one for years. So she connects this "change of heart" to your controlling nature. I did with my H. I just thought "another one of HIS decisions" It was just my anger talking. 

Your wife sounds like she's very hurt. She does need her space (for a while). From what you say about her, she would not cheat. I would agree with everyone on here when I say give her the space she needs, and do sell your computer and/or gaming system asap. 

I'm not quite sure how this will all pan out..because I have never actually left my H before. My H and I have just battled and battled our problems out for years and have just now come into a place of peace (of which I have no idea how long it will last).

One thing I can tell you. Is if she loves you still and cannot picture herself with another man. Her heart will find its way back to you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

CommittedHusband said:


> She just doesn't want to give me any hope. It maybe true. But I also feel that she thinks that if I see hope, it will sidetrack my progress I'm making on myself. And I understand why she would think that. None of my actions in the past would say different.


I would give you a push back on this that she does not want to give herself any hope. If these issues have been recurring in the marriage for years, then she has been hurt over and over again by the efforts or half hearted attempts to correct them. She does not want to make herself vulnerable to being hurt again. That is why she holds back and why you must show her you are ready to make the sacrifices and changes to make this a happy marriage again. Again with confidence and a steady effort. If I am reading this situation correctly then you have a lot more impact on the good outcomein this than you think. Good luck.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Wow! Is there any way to start "dating" her again? If she is still sexually attracted to you, then to be sure she can fall in love with you again. You need to stop "pushing" her though and let things happen naturally....like in he beginning. You also need to spend some "quality" family time together, if she wants to, with your child involved. Be there for them. Go camping, go on picnics, to the park.....anything. Just be there.............if she wants you to. But don't try to have such heavy conversations. Tell her that you love her and want her.........if that's what you feel. She may come back around, or she may not. In time, you'll know the answer! I wish you the best!


:iagree:

I can't say it better than the above poster.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

CommittedHusband said:


> She also brought up the fact that she just wants to go out and have fun.


:scratchhead:

That really didn't fit in with the rest of that post. A few paragraphs about how she's not whole and can't give her love to anyone. Oh, and she also wants to party a little.

Hmmm...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Lyris said:


> Hard-wired? That phrase gets thrown around so much on this site. What does it even mean?


OK. I get it. I take back the hard-wired to fall out of love part. But I'm sticking to once they do they don't come back part.

Prepare yourself. 180. Live life for you.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Good job MrK. Someone with some humility


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

MrK said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> That really didn't fit in with the rest of that post. A few paragraphs about how she's not whole and can't give her love to anyone. Oh, and she also wants to party a little.
> 
> Hmmm...


I understand how you see that. During our relationship she was very devoted to me. She gave me all her love. I did not in return. Instead, I made her feel neglected and hurt. It was never my intention and as stupid as it sounds, I didn't see it. I told her everyday at least 3-5 times a day I love her. I now know that is not enough. People need to hear it, and be shown it. 

A little more info on my wife might help understand her as well. While growing up, her dad remarried and his new wife ran a daycare business out of their home. My wife was made to volunteer any of her free time to helping with the daycare and help raise her siblings along with going to high school. She honestly never had any time for herself to go out with friends and such. Then when she was 18, she moved in with her mother. A few months after she moved in with her mother, I met her. We got serious within a month or two. From that point on, she was very devoted to me. Said she would do anything for me. For most of our relationship this is how she felt. She never took time to go out with friends. A huge part of that was my fault. I would make her feel guilty for going out without me and she would say I'm invited as well. But rarely did I ever want to go out. On top of that, my wife is a workaholic. She enjoys her job no matter where she works. She puts 110% effort in it.

So mixed with my issues of her going out and my jealousy, along with her drive to work, she hasn't had a fun life. I now see my errors and how important those things to her were. Then I didn't.

I honestly believe her going out is not her looking to meet someone but for her to go out and enjoy life. She is not the skanky type. She is a very beautiful woman that dresses like a woman.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CommittedHusband said:


> I understand how you see that. During our relationship she was very devoted to me. She gave me all her love. I did not in return. Instead, I made her feel neglected and hurt. It was never my intention and as stupid as it sounds, I didn't see it. I told her everyday at least 3-5 times a day I love her. I now know that is not enough. People need to hear it, and be shown it.
> 
> A little more info on my wife might help understand her as well. While growing up, her dad remarried and his new wife ran a daycare business out of their home. My wife was made to volunteer any of her free time to helping with the daycare and help raise her siblings along with going to high school. She honestly never had any time for herself to go out with friends and such. Then when she was 18, she moved in with her mother. A few months after she moved in with her mother, I met her. We got serious within a month or two. From that point on, she was very devoted to me. Said she would do anything for me. For most of our relationship this is how she felt. She never took time to go out with friends. A huge part of that was my fault. I would make her feel guilty for going out without me and she would say I'm invited as well. But rarely did I ever want to go out. On top of that, my wife is a workaholic. She enjoys her job no matter where she works. She puts 110% effort in it.
> 
> ...


Ok so then what exactly is going out with friends? Marriage friendly GNOs are essential but what often happens in these cases is an extreme shift in direction. I have seen this sceanrio play out with so many guys before. I have seen this turn into dating real quick and suggesting they they never had a chance to date other men and then it moved to never had a change to be with other men and so on.

So while youy are beating yourself up and so on just what is the acceptable boundary for her future behavior ... in your eyes. How far does this go? Does going out with friends mean hanging out with other men and drinking and being out into the wee hours of the morning? Or is it lunch with a couple of her girl friends?


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

Going out with friends is her going out with a couple woman she knows from work. I know them as well. Also, they are all married too. This saturday she is going out with 2 of her female friends. She told me last weekend. She said she didn't really want to go but felt obligated since she was asked. They are not going to a club or anything. But just to go out and have a couple drinks. I have been out with them a few different times with her. Yeah, if it was her going out and dancing with other men and drinking with other men, then I would certainly have a problem with it.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

MrK said:


> I just read an entire 18 page thread where a guy got his ILYBINILWY back in November and he finally gave up. 9 months of hell only to lose. I apologized for giving him this advice when it was too late.
> 
> She's gone. They don't come back. Sorry. Start getting your life together. read up on the 180. Make yourself better for you and your son. It's hard-wired for women to fall out of love w/ their husbands after 5-10 years together. At least yours told you somewhat early on. You're young. You can start over. I envy you.
> 
> She's gone, and nothing's gonna' bring her back. Start living your life again.


WRONG WRONG WRONG!

His story sounds similar to mine. My Wife left me for 4 months and now she has been back for 5. Things have been steadily getting better and even with a recent hiccup, she told me she loved me in bed last night.

So don't give up! There is hope.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

CommittedHusband said:


> Going out with friends is her going out with a couple woman she knows from work. I know them as well. Also, they are all married too. This saturday she is going out with 2 of her female friends. She told me last weekend. She said she didn't really want to go but felt obligated since she was asked. They are not going to a club or anything. But just to go out and have a couple drinks. I have been out with them a few different times with her. Yeah, if it was her going out and dancing with other men and drinking with other men, then I would certainly have a problem with it.


From what I am reading between the lines, she is still interested, confused and needing time and space to figure it out. We did MC and a Marriage workshop while she seperated. It kept us both in the game, so to speak.

For me I had a breaking point at about 3 months, after giving her plenty of room and time, I finally told her we are either moving to reconcile or I need to move on and find someone who wants to grow old with me. I think she was also ready, but needed the nudge to aim the marriage in the right direction.

Give her space and time. Patience!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CommittedHusband said:


> Going out with friends is her going out with a couple woman she knows from work. I know them as well. Also, they are all married too. This saturday she is going out with 2 of her female friends. She told me last weekend. She said she didn't really want to go but felt obligated since she was asked. They are not going to a club or anything. But just to go out and have a couple drinks. I have been out with them a few different times with her. Yeah, if it was her going out and dancing with other men and drinking with other men, then I would certainly have a problem with it.


Sorry. Had to ask.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

MrK said:


> OK. I get it. I take back the hard-wired to fall out of love part. But I'm sticking to once they do they don't come back part.
> 
> Prepare yourself. 180. Live life for you.


Stick with it, but we are proof it is not always true, and from what I am reading she is not fully gone, just confused.

I concluded mine was suffering a MLC. They get unhappy with life, job becomes more important than the marriage, they experienced stress and have built up resentment by not forgiving past issues. Who do they blame for their internal unhappiness? 

The person closest to them. The spouse. It is a fog that lifts over time. They just need to sort through it to see the grass is no greenier on the other side.

Soft 180. Become a better man.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

CommittedHusband said:


> Yeah, if it was her going out and dancing with other men and drinking with other men, then I would certainly have a problem with it.


Fine to let her have some space, just make sure your boundaries are clear, fair and firm. You can't lose yourself in the recovery efforts.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

The wife is coming by tonight to have dinner with my son and I. She is coming over to watch my son while I go out with a buddy from work. So I asked her when I talked to her earlier, "Hey, I'm fixing dinner tonight and wonder if I should make enough for you to join us." She said yeah since she has to come over tonight anyways.

I'm not trying to fix our problems in a couple nights. I know it will take a lot of time. But I think I shouldn't bring up any of the problems we are having (After my son is not around. We don't dare talk about it in front of him). Am I right for not wanting to bring up any of our issues tonight? I feel like everytime we are face to face, it leads to me trying to get into a serious conversation.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I would say try to let her lead the conversation. If she brings up anything to do with your relationship, then have an open ear and listen to what she has to say and answer any questions she has for you, if any. Otherwise, just try to enjoy your supper time together. Let her see the new you.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> I would say try to let her lead the conversation. If she brings up anything to do with your relationship, then have an open ear and listen to what she has to say and answer any questions she has for you, if any. Otherwise, just try to enjoy your supper time together. Let her see the new you.


Exactly what I was thinking. Guess I just needed some sort of conformation. Thanks


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

CommittedHusband said:


> Exactly what I was thinking. Guess I just needed some sort of conformation. Thanks


No problem


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

Wife just left a few minutes ago from dinner and figured I'd share the experience since so many people have been giving me advice and I really appreciate it and feel like I have someone to talk to.

I went and bought some nice steaks and grilled them on the grill. I took your advice somethingelse and did not bring any of the problems up. She looked sad and mad at the same time and I asked her is there something wrong. She said she has just had a bad day today and said she is just has been in a not so good mood all day. So I said was it work and she said its always work but other stuff to. She went on to say that it upsets her that I look like I lost a lot of weight and look drained. She knows I'm not eating right. And she feel like its because of her. I explained everyone handles stress differently and its just how I handle it. I lose my appetite. She did say I look great though. Over the past week or so, I dropped from 215 to 200. I know thats not good but I have no appetite and have to actually force myself to eat something.

So I told her its not her fault. I said this is something we are both going through and that it is stressing us both out greatly and she agreed. That part didn't get serious about or anything. I kept at the advice and didn't bring anything else up. She would bring somethings up but nothing too serious. She said something she hasn't said for a while and said she does have romantic feelings for me but also explained that she doesn't want to be with me (hopefully just a temporary feeling) because she feels she deserves better. I agreed with her and explained to her that I am working towards that and it doesn't happen over night and she totally agreed. I also explained to her that at first, yeah I was doing it for you, but after I started feeling good about my changes, I started doing it for me. I think she understood that and respected me more for that. She then dropped something on me that took me by a big surprise. She started to tear up and said today at work she started to miss me. I was beside myself and felt tears to develop up in my eyes. 

During the whole time, we both sat at the kitchen table (which we never have done for dinner) and I sent my son to the living room to watch tv while he eats. We talked for a while just about things going on at her job and stuff. She is the one always listening to peoples problems and she said no one ever has an open ear for her. I just listened while she talked about things at work. I saw she really appreciated it and knew I was listening because I cared. I actually enjoyed listening to her and see that it gives her relief to talk to someone about things in her life. 

During one part of the dinner she did say something that I could have taken the wrong way. She said something about "our room" and then corrected herself and said "your room". 

Another thing that was said during the dinner that gives me some sort of hope is, she said that everyone she talks to about our problems are thrown off because they say I'm a good person. I told her they probably didn't see the extent of my addiction and neglect and she went on to say they tell her yeah but you have a son together and you should at least try. She feels she has tried many times when she would warn me about my gaming and its going to force to leave me (I agree with her that she did try I just didn't take it serious) They tell her theres counseling that might work it out.

We have talked about counseling and she said she would try individual counseling for each of us and go from there. But I could tell she really didn't think it would work and I felt she would not see it as an opportunity to work on us. But she brought up the counseling tonight and said it certainly wouldn't hurt to try it. I've already been calling around to counselors in my area since I first brought up the idea the other day.

She commented that I smile more. I asked her if she thinks its because she is gone (last think I want her to think) and she said no. I told her its because I see something different in me. I keep the house clean and devote a lot of time to my son. One thing that has helped a ton, I have been on vacation this whole week so it has given me time to be by myself and not worry about work during this hard time.

She looked very tired and we both realized it was getting late, so she said she better be heading to her mothers house where she is staying. I walked her to the door and we hugged and then she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek which she hasn't done in a while and I kissed her back on her cheek. She thanked me for making dinner and she left.

Originally the plan was for her to come over and have dinner and then watch our son while I go out to the gym with a buddy of mine from work. But he has to go in early tomorrow and couldn't go out tonight.

I know problems like ours doesn't get fixed over dinner or several dinners for that matter. But I got more of a positive response out of her tonight then I have over the past few months. We both act like adults when we have conversations and don't raise our voices at all. Tonight felt like a step in the right direction and I hope I'm not wrong.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

CommittedHusband said:


> During one part of the dinner she did say something that I could have taken the wrong way. She said something about "our room" and then corrected herself and said "your room".



All in all a good evening. As far at this comment keep in mind you are in an extremely heightened point of emotion. Don't over read the situation positive or negative.

Continue to let her talk and don't plead your case. If there isn't something new to discuss don't. Rehashing accomplishes nothing. She's showing some good signs. Continue to be a great father to your child and work on your personal changes and challenges. I hope things continue to level out for you both.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

That's great news. I'm glad to hear that your W showed some emotion and expressed it. You did really well. I do agree with Amplexor too. Your W probably feels "out of the loop" with you right now because she is living with her mom. 

Keep very neutral like you have been, and allow her more time to miss you.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

CommittedHusband said:


> I know problems like ours doesn't get fixed over dinner or several dinners for that matter. But I got more of a positive response out of her tonight then I have over the past few months. We both act like adults when we have conversations and don't raise our voices at all. Tonight felt like a step in the right direction and I hope I'm not wrong.


You handled it perfectly CH. You're correct that things don't get worked out in one night or over just dinner, it takes a series of back to back to back good interactions for the bond to re-build and feelings to come back.

Letting her lead the conversations and just listening to her talk is absolutely the right approach, because by doing this you are not imposing any stress on her whatsoever. (1) Letting her lead = she gets to dictate the pace she is comfortable with, and (2) listening to her talk = you giving her a much-needed vent to get out her daily frustrations. These strategies are both very much keys to a a long-term success for you... never forget them, keep practicing this kind of patience.

I am confident that if you keep being patient like this and every interaction you have with her is no-stress, and you have the opportunity to show support for her in little ways, she will begin to re-build a loving bond with you. I think the seed is already there in that she admitted to you that she "missed you"... that is a very good sign for the future. Keep nurturing that by continuing to improve yourself and your belief in yourself, and eventually she will believe in you... and she will miss you so much that she will finally decide she needs you back in her life.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

So what are your plans to see her again? I know she is going out with her friends Sat. (?) night? What about Friday night or Sunday? Will you spend some family time with her? Perhaps arrange the MIL to watch your son, while you take her to a movie, or something?

Try to keep the flow going of seeing her on good/fun terms. Not just for her to come and watch your son while you go out.........or her just going "out" with her friends. You need to go on some dates here and there, alone together. Invite her over for more dinners at the house, set a vase of flowers on the table, have a good chick flick on hand and see if she wants to stay after dinner and watch it with you. 

Keep letting her set the pace/tone as far as conversation, but let her see that you're a strong man that is beating his addiction and is ready to commit to her.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

She has been coming over after work each night to see our son and to get some work clothes.

The state fair started last week and goes through next week so I am planning on taking my son there for the first time this Sunday. My wife has never been either and for almost all the years we were together I promised her we go each time but never kept my word. I was going to invite her along to spend time with her family because I think she feels like she is missing out. I'm not going to force her to go or try to guilt her into going. Just going to say, "Hey I'm taking out son to the fair Sunday, would you like to join us" and leave it up to her.

This past Sunday I took my son to a place called Jump-N-Play (indoor blow-up slides) and she said she did not want to go. After we got back she told me she wished he would have gone.

As far as Saturday goes for her, last night she said she wasn't even sure if she is going. I didn't question why. I figured if she wanted me to know, she would tell me. I just think she didn't want to go in the first place but who knows.

As far as dates with my wife, I plan on many future dates with her, even if we work everything out I plan on never stopping. Also I am completely certain her mother would watch our son (my parents would but all my family lives 150 miles away in another state). They really want to see us work it out as well.

I don't plan to stop enjoying life, with or with out her, but I just hope and pray it is with her. I want her to enjoy life and her family also.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Do you get along with your inlaws? Could you call your MIL and ask her to keep your son one night next week, while you and wifey do something fun.............alone together?

One thought that I may have mentioned: always smile at her when you see her and spend time with her.......make her laugh.....and laugh with her! Reminisce over good times.............if there were any, which I'm sure there are.  "Hey, remember when our son was _____ years old, and his first words were ____?" Or something from your first dates, or wedding night..................talk about funny things.............fun things............keep it light!  You'll win her heart back; just stay the course!


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

yeah I get along with her family very well. She tells me all the time everyone loves me.

I'll see what I can come up with


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

Wife came over for dinner again tonight. During dinner she was bringing up some of the feelings. She went on to explain how she still has romantic feelings for me and that she is still attractive to me but tells me she just doesn't see any hope. She admitted she is scared to get any hope because she fears that we will get back together and after so long, she will experience all the neglect over again. I know me telling her I won't do that again is not enough. I know I have to show you.

She went on to tell me she just has nothing left to give me. With her telling me she still has love for me and cares for me it left me confused. Later she did explain what she means. She said, before when I touched her or kissed her, she felt it all over her body and her heart would melt. Now she doesn't get that feeling anymore. This brought many tears to her eyes to tell me. She also said she is very confused right now. She said she does not want to come back here because she doesn't want to live like she has over the past several years.

Towards to end of the evening she was telling me how she has felt over the past several years and how every time she believed me it left her hurt and feeling stupid for believing me again. The whole time I could see it was bringing tears for her to talk about those feelings.

At one point, I just couldn't hold it back any more. I broke down and could not stop crying. She rushed over to me and asked why am I crying. I wasn't able to answer right away. I tried, but the emotions I was feeling were too much. She has never seen me cry before. I try everything to hold back from crying. But seeing the hurt and pain I've caused her just overwhelmed me with so much guilt and feeling ashamed. She started to cry as well. That made it even worse because I don't like to see her cry. I could see she was worried for me. We were hugging each other during this time. 

I don't think tonight went so well. I don't want her to feel bad every time she comes around because she thinks I'm going to breakdown. That was the first time I have ever done that.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Don't feel bad. Crying is a sign of change too. It shows her you are human and that you have feelings. You only have so much you can bear. You are doing the right things. and that's what matters most.

Are you spiritual in any way? When I am feeling hopeless, I turn to prayer. I don't know if you believe in God or anything. But, as far as this goes..If you have no other place to turn right now, that can be comforting.

If not. I will pray for you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think you have more going for you than you realise, very much more. That talk she had with you when you were quite and listened, that’s how women “share”. When they talk it’s mostly in a monologue, they’re not looking for solutions, they don’t want interruptions, they just want, well to talk. You handled it like a pro, like a seasoned campaigner. Give yourself ten out of ten for it.

What’s happening is that you are becoming your wife’s emotional confident, her very best friend. In a way, the more she talks to you that way, the deeper you will get into an emotional affair with her. Yes an EA with your own wife. But it’s even better than that in that she is also sexually attracted to you, so I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she starts having a PA with you. These things are called Romantic Love and for me it is the most powerfully bonding love of all and can last a lifetime.

But it’s even better than that. In that you cried together. What you did there was to demonstrate and clearly communicate to her just how much she means to you. We all want to be loved. Your gaming made her feel unloved and now she knows you love her.

And that’s the thing. Women go by our body language to understand what’s in our mind. They’ll listen to our words but that’s only about twenty percent of what they understand. The eighty percent comes from our body language, facial expressions, where our palms and feet are pointing etc. and behaviour over time.

For example with the latter you can bet your bottom dollar that every time she walks through that door she looks to see if the gaming computer is still there. She's checking out your behaviour over time which speaks volumes to her without you uttering a single word. You "say" your gaming is over but your behaviour is telling her the opposite. It's your behaviour she believes over and above the words you speak.

That's why so many "communication in marriage" books and advice fail so miserably. Because they don't talk of the most significant things which are body language and behaviour over time.



Your gaming computer is still there? Well then she doesn’t believe that your gaming is over! Although she will not call you a liar. So get it out of the house ASAP. Take it to a friends place, family and ask someone to sell it for you. Don’t throw it away because then you’ll be demonstrating financial irresponsibility and she wont like that either, especially when she has to query spending ten dollars to get a decent nights sleep.

When she asks you about the computer (don't tell her until she asks) ask her if she’d like the proceeds to buy something such that she gets a better nights sleep. Maybe a bed she can bring home with her when/if she returns.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

I don't usually share too much here but I'm comfortable enough to now. In a previous relationship I experience a lot of what you're going through. And I left things to hope. I notice that the word hope is recurring in your posts. Hope is a great thing to have. It's crushes despair and uplifts you. So I'm glad I see that.

But be very careful. Sometimes we need a dose of reality. When a woman is saying she has nothing left to give to you its...not good. Keep up with the positive changes in your life, and the great bonding with your son. Believe me, this transition will be much easier on him due to all the attention you're paying him. And keep your hope. It so very positive for you right now. But face reality head on so you can plan for a different life. Believe me, I know that thought is terrifying, but whatever happens, things will get better.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

CommittedHusband said:


> She went on to explain how she still has romantic feelings for me and that she is still attractive to me but tells me she just doesn't see any hope. She admitted she is scared to get any hope because she fears that we will get back together and after so long, she will experience all the neglect over again. I know me telling her I won't do that again is not enough. I know I have to show you.
> 
> I don't think tonight went so well. I don't want her to feel bad every time she comes around because she thinks I'm going to breakdown. That was the first time I have ever done that.


Pretty much as stated earlier, it is her that is afraid to give hope to herself. Very normal after years of struggling with the same issues, same empty promises and the same disappointments. You are very correct, you have to show her in your actions that she is safe and that you won't let her get hurt again.

As far as as the sob-fest goes that's fine everybody needs to get that out of their system. Part of your process in this is self reflection and accepting your part in the condition of the marriage. That can be a great ally in helping you determine what needs to be done to improve the marriage. That hurts but be sure to look at the whole picture. It is rare that one partner is completely guilty of the errors in a marriage. 

Second point on the emotional break-down, consider it out of your system. If you want to cry yourself to sleep alone at night that's fine, but you need to be the one that brings this home and you have no idea of how much control you have there. Yes, she does not have hope, yes she's put her emotions for your on hold, but do you know how many husbands here would love to have the hope in hearing that their wives are still romantically and sexually attracted to them. That's huge young man!!! Your wife shows all the signs of looking for a life line. You need to be that. You need to be confident when around her to show her you are strong enough to succeed. Step up to the plate man, you have no idea how well this is positioned for you.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> You need to be confident when around her to show her you are strong enough to succeed. Step up to the plate man, you have no idea how well this is positioned for you.


Thank you for reminding me of this. At times, I feel so down that all hope fades. I don't want to have these deep emotional conversations with her every time she is around. She has even stated thats all we do. I want to feel confident when she is around. I need to stop letting my emotions get me to try and talk with her all the time. I don't want to block out my emotions, but get them under control. I feel like I can't make sound decisions based solely on emotions.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I'm very sorry you are going through this.
> 
> I don't usually share too much here but I'm comfortable enough to now. In a previous relationship I experience a lot of what you're going through. And I left things to hope. I notice that the word hope is recurring in your posts. Hope is a great thing to have. It's crushes despair and uplifts you. So I'm glad I see that.
> 
> But be very careful. Sometimes we need a dose of reality. When a woman is saying she has nothing left to give to you its...not good. Keep up with the positive changes in your life, and the great bonding with your son. Believe me, this transition will be much easier on him due to all the attention you're paying him. And keep your hope. It so very positive for you right now. But face reality head on so you can plan for a different life. Believe me, I know that thought is terrifying, but whatever happens, things will get better.


Sinnister I completely understand what you mean.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

CommittedHusband said:


> I honestly believe her going out is not her looking to meet someone but for her to go out and enjoy life. She is not the skanky type. She is a very beautiful woman that dresses like a woman.


Same with my wife.

I hate to interrupt this recent love fest in this thread, but don't forget Saturday night. She's going all right. She's wishy-washy on it because she knows what it's about and she's scared. Do you know where she's planning on going? Have a friend that doesn't know her show up. Just to check. Trust, but verify. You need to know all about what this side of the breakup means.

Sorry to hit you with my issue, but that "she missed all of the single fun" has me worried. You should be concerned as well.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I just want to say that I agree with the last 4 posters here.

The fact you two cried together *in each other's arms* says alot. You both showed raw emotion to each other, which builds a stronger emotional bond.

Remember what I said about dating her! 

I agree with the last poster that said "trust, but verify."

I wish you the best!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

southern wife said:


> I just want to say that I agree with the last 4 posters here.
> 
> The fact you two cried together *in each other's arms* says alot. You both showed raw emotion to each other, which builds a stronger emotional bond.
> 
> ...


Yes. I imagine the norm is for brick walls to go up in the way of boundaries such that we make ourselves invulnerable to more pain. Once those walls are up things become brittle and false and we get scared to take them back down again.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Yes. I imagine the norm is for brick walls to go up in the way of boundaries such that we make ourselves invulnerable to more pain. Once those walls are up things become brittle and false and we get scared to take them back down again.


It seems her walls come down then go right back up. For instance, last night she came by for a few minutes after work to see our son. Said she is going to buffalo wild wings with a female friend and her friends husband. Her friend kind of knows what we are going through so its someone for her to talk to. She said she would be back later that night. I asked her if she would like to watch a movie when she gets back and she said sure.

On her way back she stopped at Windy's to pick us up some dinner. She said she wasn't hungry while out with her friend and just had a diet coke. When she got back I asked her about the movie and she said she doesn't really feel like watching one. She said like I'm trying to make it like a date.

So we sat at the table eating our food and most of the conversation is us talking about us. She said she doesn't like to see me like this and she is trying to help me understand that she doesn't want to be her. I asked her when she looks at me does she see me as a friend or anything more like a companion. She said friend. We talked about how I keep trying to have hope and she asked why do I keep having hope and I told her it is the one thing I feel like is keeping me sane. She told me, "I won't take that away from you then." She also told me at some point that when she tells me something, I take it the wrong way and throw it back in her face. Like how she recently told me she still has romantic feelings. She said she thinks it was because she was missing me.

After dinner she walks to our bed room closest to get some clothes and was talking about how tired she is and how much her body hurts because the bed at her mothers is not comfortable at all. So offered her to stay in our bed and I will sleep out on the couch so she can get a good night sleep and she said she couldn't because she would make me come in there and get in bed with her. Told me she would not be able to resist sex either. I told her I would make sure to not let sex happen and she said thats impossible because she would make sure it would happen. I told her I could can no and she said trust me, you would not be able to stop me and we just kind of laughed.

She she goes over to her underwear drawer beside our bed and is getting some underwear out. I go ahead and lay down on the bed so we can continue to talk. During this time she keeps moaning about how tired she is. She turns around and lays down on the bed with me putting her head on my chest and I put my arms around her and hold her while stroking her hair and neck. I ask her again if she would like to sleep in the bed while I sleep out on the couch and I can see she is really considering it. She said she will since she is so tired. She told me she needs to go get her phone out in the car real quick and she did. She comes back and lays down in the bed again and I hold her again. 

After a few minutes, I go to get up (was just getting up to turn the lights off for her) and I think she thought I was getting up to go out on the couch and she grabs me and said don't go anywhere. That made me feel so wanted by her. So I happily laid right back down with her and continued holding her. I started to massage her shoulders and after a few minutes she said I could massage her whole body and she began to undress. Of course I did not refuse. I could see she was enjoying it very well and I also knew what this was leading into and it did. This time seemed different though. I don't know if it was just me but it felt like it actually meant something. There was a lot of romantic touching and we were even kissing a lot during sex. This has been absent in all most all sex in the past several months or even year if not all absent. We even held hands during some of it. I don't mean to get to graphic but I know what I felt and I'm trying to understand what she felt.

Anyways after we were done, we laid in bed and I just held her. I was also caressing her skin and when I was softly rubbing her legs, she reached for my hand and we held hands. All through the night we held each other and it seemed like it put her at ease.

She had to get up early for work again this morning so I set the alarm for 6am. When that time came around she did not want to get up and grabbed my arm and wrapped it around herself. So I hit the snooze button a few times and I just rubbed her back and shoulders.

I got up and started the shower for her and she got up and got in the shower. I took her car to the gas station to get some fuel and a energy drink for her because she said her fuel wasvery low and since she is already running late I wanted to help her. I also stopped and got her some breakfast.

When I get back, she was almost ready and asked me what my thoughts were on what she was wearing. I told her she looks beautiful and told her those pants fit really well. 

So she is ready to go and I walk her to the door. We both say bye and she turns and said I look like I wanted to give her something. I didn't know if she meant me actually giving her something but I told her yeah, and said I wanted to give you a hug goodbye. She walked back up to me and we hugged and I kissed her on her upper cheek. Then she left for work. 

Thats where I am at now. Still left confused. I feel like it was something special we shared but I can't get the conversation out of my head where she tells me she sees me just as a friend and how I need to let her go. I wouldn't trade last night for anything but I also don't want it to be the last of its kind with her.

I know I sound like a broken record but I really appreciate everyones input and it helps a lot.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

How about buying her flowers, tell her what has happened was the most important moment of your life, ask her what else she wants you to do to show that you are becoming the husband she hoped for. keep working at being a better husband?

Stay on that course for a year and you two may be two of the happiest people on God's earth.

A loving wife is so much more fun than a computer game.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

CommittedHusband said:


> It seems her walls come down then go right back up. For instance, last night she came by for a few minutes after work to see our son. Said she is going to buffalo wild wings with a female friend and her friends husband. Her friend kind of knows what we are going through so its someone for her to talk to. She said she would be back later that night. I asked her if she would like to watch a movie when she gets back and she said sure.
> 
> On her way back she stopped at Windy's to pick us up some dinner. She said she wasn't hungry while out with her friend and just had a diet coke. When she got back I asked her about the movie and she said she doesn't really feel like watching one. She said like I'm trying to make it like a date.
> 
> ...



Well she really let down her walls then. She totally opened up and put trust in you. I can't help but get the feeling though that she may have "used you" in a sense? Not sure what to think about this really. 

If she continues to open up like this, then maybe she is ready to come back home to you? She was really open to being intimate with you. She gave you an open door and you took it.

I would say just see how she treats you from now on out. Keep your head on your shoulders like you have been. Keep reading the signals she's giving you and follow her lead.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

So, how'd the GNO go last night?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

From what you describe it looks to me like she’s playing you. She sounds like a woman who wants another man and is doing quite a lot to keep you on side until such a time as she’s ready to leave you permanently. It’s like you are most definitely her Plan B, her back-up plan if it doesn’t work out with the OM, if indeed there is one.

If there is an OM then she’ll be telling him that she’s moved out of her home by way of commitment to him and to try and move him along a bit quicker, perhaps away from his wife if he has one.

There’s probably a heck of a lot behind her seriously weird behaviour and you need to find out what it is so that you can make informed choices and judgements.

Put a VAR in her car if you haven’t done so already.


If you think things like “My wife? Never!” then get wise and think again.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You know thinking about all this you are demonstrating yourself to be a very weak man and one who is exceedingly easy to manipulate, like a puppy dog.

Change that right away.

Next time she starts something tell her you’ll talk with her about your relationship the moment she decides to step 100% right back into your marriage. Until that time any and all conversations will be about your child and business re finances etc.

From this moment on act like a Man, take control and put an end to the crazy behaviour, both yours and your wife’s crazy behaviour.

Read Relationship Book, Self Help Relationship Book For a Man, Best Manual for Men, Amazon.com: Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men (9780979054402): Wayne M. Levine: Books. It will help you greatly.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

MrK said:


> So, how'd the GNO go last night?


She went out with one of her friends to some ******* games. She also took my son along too which she said he had a blast. She didn't really want to go out to bars and hang out.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> I can't help but get the feeling though that she may have "used you" in a sense? Not sure what to think about this really.


Honestly sometimes I get the feeling this is true. I do know she is a very caring person and helps out almost everyone else before herself. She tells me she hates to see me going through this and looking so sad. She doesn't like seeing me depressed.

In the way of trying to lighten up and not be so down, I said jokingly, "if you don't want to see me so depressed, then move back in."

It was in such a joking manner that she knew I was kidding around but also knew thats what I thought. She said, "but for how long until you it happens all over again. You need to work on yourself."

She said she is not coming back and I asked if that meant for ever. She said I'm not saying forever, but you need to work on yourself first. She doesn't think my change or who I am becoming is permanent.

I don't believe there is OM. At least not right now. The only thing I would consider to be OM is her work. She is a workaholic and has always been. But there were so many opportunities that she could be somewhere else but she chose to come here. Like the other day, she left work early (because she has put in a ton of hours at work) and decided to come here and take a nap. She could have easily went to her mothers house. She told me she wanted me to hold her. Those are the times I feel used. But not until after. During those times, I guess my emotions are getting in the way and I feel like its going in the right direction.

I think not talking about us would be the best. She has even told me on numerous occasions thats all we do. We don't ever have fun when she is over here.

Today my son and I attended church with her mother and her stepdad and they spoke mostly about hope. Talk about a coincidence.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your getting it from all angles on this one CH. And I'm going to disagree with some of the other posters, but that's the optimist in me. I don't know that she is playing you so much as testing the waters. I believe she is genuinely conflicted at this point but if a pattern develop where she is coming to you just for sex then you need to let her know that you are looking for a wife, not a **** buddy and avoid situations where she is able to initiate it. You are also getting a lot advice on wooing her. I suggest you don't and continue to work on yourself which is what she is asking for. As far a there being another man, you should keep in mind that there may be and look for any signs. She is in an emotional state that could make her vulnerable to ether an interested party or a shark. If you do not suspect another then if it were me, I would not move into snooping mode. Discovery of these tactics could be devastating to the recovery effort. Sometimes a spouse just gets fed up with a relationship and wants to sort things out or move on. It does not necessarily mean there is a 3rd party involved. Having so many betrayeds here we sometimes jump to that conclusion. JMHO. Good luck.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

I agree with Amp. I think it's a positive sign she had sex with you, because that's the ultimate step in letting her walls down. The proper way to embrace that now is to let her know how meaningful it was to feel close with her again, and also tell her how wonderful it felt to even just hold her and snuggle with her again. Because the affection of snuggling is probably very important to her, so it would really help if you were reciprocating / reiterating the importance of that as well because it's something she can relate to and thus have in common with you.

What you don't want to do is use the sex as an excuse and hang it over her head in any way. Like in the next conversation if she indicates she's still unsure about how she feels about you, don't say to her "Then why did you have sex with me?" because I guarantee you that will push her away. That would be you blaming her like she made a mistake and is trying to hurt you, when in fact it's very possible she's just confused and torn by being in this state of still loving you and having passion for you but afraid of putting her trust back into you completely. The sex could have been a genuine act of love for you, and if so, I would say that is VERY MUCH a positive step forward.

As Amp said, you need to continue to show her that you are working on yourself, and in doing that she will continue to lower her guard and keep believing in you, which will probably cause her to desire you more which will lead to more future encounters of sex. So be prepared for the possibility of having sex with her in the future while your relationship is still on the mend. Just because you're being intimate again doesn't mean you're "in the clear" though... It just means she's starting to believe in you again. You need to make sure she continues to believe in you even years after this and forward.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

CommittedHusband said:


> Honestly sometimes I get the feeling this is true. I do know she is a very caring person and helps out almost everyone else before herself. She tells me she hates to see me going through this and looking so sad. She doesn't like seeing me depressed.
> 
> In the way of trying to lighten up and not be so down, I said jokingly, "if you don't want to see me so depressed, then move back in."
> 
> ...



If she keeps saying she is leaving, but then turns around and wants to be intimate, then it does sound like she is "using" you. (even though you're still her H). 

If she says she doesn't want to talk about you and her, then I guess that's what you are going to have to do. But it's kind of an impossible thing to do based on your situation. It's unavoidable since it's the huge "elephant" in the room. How can you avoid it?

I've had experiences like the one you had at church. God knows your circumstance.


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## HoldingPattern (Aug 13, 2012)

I'm new here, but have been reading posts and am surprised at how much your story sounds like mine. 

I am 51, wife is 49, been married and together for 25 years; and 2 months ago we had a minor argument during which she blurted out that she was done and wanted out. I was shocked, as is typical in the walk-away-wife situations I thought we had some normal ups and downs but that everything was generally fine. Heck, I and everyone I knew thought we had a model marriage! But she said she had been unhappy for years, that there was no one particular thing but just a general feeling of not being important or wanted. 

I immediately launched into reading every self-help book I could get my hands on, the ones that helped the most were Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough", Kay's "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" and Davis's "Divorce Busting" and "The Divorce Remedy". After a week of sleeping in separate rooms, I convinced my wife to return to our room and to go to counseling together. I also began in ernest to change every bad thing about myself into a good thing. I quit watching TV, took over all household chores that W had been doing before and started showing a lot more attention towards W and our kids. I also stopped all cynical and negative talk and became much more positive. It was a huge 180 for me to do all these things. In counseling W expressed over and over again that there was no chance for our future, but strangely she said she wouln't mind continuing sex, but she didn't want me to get "false hopes" because of it. So we did continue having sex as well as doing things together both with and without the kids and we got along great. I showed attention and affection to her like I had not done in the last 10+ years, and we continued going to counseling. Despite it seeming to me that an R was imminent, in the 5th session she acknowledged that I had totally changed myself into the husband she always wanted and that life for the past month had been great, but when the counselor pressed about R all she could say was "no, I don't want to try". And soon after she started looking at houses to rent. It's been a little over 2 months since this began and she made an offer on a house rental last week. I'm following the DB and "Love Must Be Tough" strategies and being supportive of her and her move even while expressing my disagreement that we can't R. My last hope at this point is that once she moves out she'll have a change of heart, but there are no guarantees. However, as DB says one must have abundant patience in these situations and I intend to. It may take 6 months or longer, so I'm preparing for a long run rather than a sprint.

I just wanted to mention this to you so you know not to read too much into the sex, it's certainly no indication of R. Like the DB book says, take it a baby step at a time, have loads of patience and don't read info into anything your W says or does at this point. She may be calm on the outside, but there's a lot of turmoil within and she will say and do contradictory things. Just be patient and stick to your overall plan of running the MAP and making yourself a better, more appealing person.

PS, everyone tried to convince me there was an OM involved even though I saw zero evidence of that. So I installed a keylogger on her computer at home (she can't use her work computer for such things because it's monitored) and checked the messages on her phone numerous times while she was sleeping. Nothing. No OM. She has had no unexplained absences either. Point being, sometimes women leave because they're sick/ tired/ fed up, not because they're having an affair.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

CommittedHusband said:


> She went out with one of her friends to some ******* games. She also took my son along too which she said he had a blast. She didn't really want to go out to bars and hang out.


Sorry, one more time then I'll let you go.

A lot of male ******** at these games? Talk to your son about how glad you are that he had a good time. Do you think mommy did? Oh? why/why not? What did she do all night?

Sorry, but that "she didn't get a chance to be single" part, although small, really sticks out to me. 

I'm done now. Good luck.

And listen to holding. I don't think they come back. 180. You need to do that anyway.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

Thanks HoldingPattern for sharing that.

Here is what happened last night.

Wife took my son to a friends house and had dinner with her friend and her friends husband. They have two small children around my sons age. So he had fun.

She came home and went to Kohl's to look for some shirts for her. She came back with a couple outfits for me. I kind of gave her a weird look and she asked why was I looking at her weird. I said it seem a bit weird for her buying me clothes and she said, "I'm still her wife aren't I?"

So she said he had to run up to Walmart. She keeps telling me she needs to buy some sheets for her bed at her mothers. I've told her several times to get some or even told her to take some from here but she has done neither yet. Anyways, I asked her if she was coming back over tonight and she said probably not. While she was at Walmart, I asked her to check on GPS for me. Told her to buy it for me (we still share same back account) if she didn't mind. She did. She called me back and asked if I needed bread and told her no. She comes back and starts bringing in groceries. She said she bought some for the house and some for her for lunches at work. She left the car running and I asked her if she is leaving. She looked at me and said in a joking way, "You want me to stay don't you" and I answered "Yeah, I always want you to stay." I even offered that I could sleep on the couch and she could have the bed for the night. She has to come over and watch our son before school because I leave for work early. She said that if we did that, she wouldn't want me to sleep on the couch and would want me to come sleep with her in bed. Being the person she is, she said in a joking manner, "You want some of this don't you" and I just laughed. She said she wants to stay, but she doesn't want herself to want to stay. She feels like she is cheating on herself. I guess because she said she already decided with us.

Anyways, she ended up staying the night and anytime she spends the night, we cuddle and hold each other throughout the night.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

MrK said:


> Sorry, one more time then I'll let you go.
> 
> A lot of male ******** at these games? Talk to your son about how glad you are that he had a good time. Do you think mommy did? Oh? why/why not? What did she do all night?
> 
> ...


Nah, I appreciate it actually. I understand what you are getting at. As for the 180, I decided to do that for myself no matter what the outcome is.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

CommittedHusband said:


> Thanks HoldingPattern for sharing that.
> 
> Here is what happened last night.
> 
> ...


I'm going to take a step back from my earlier posts and say that your wife's statements reek of manipulation and self validation. Gamesmanship at its finest. If your wife wants to go find herself that's one thing but to come back and offer ***** on a stick while you are hurting is unacceptable. Yes she is your wife and as such she needs to get her feet in the water also. If she's going to live outside the home she needs to step up and be a co-parent to your son and stop coming around every few days for a **** fix. Quit placating to her overtures and let her know you need to fix this or be done with it.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> I'm going to take a step back from my earlier posts and say that your wife's statements reek of manipulation and self validation. Gamesmanship at its finest. If your wife wants to go find herself that's one thing but to come back and offer ***** on a stick while you are hurting is unacceptable. Yes she is your wife and as such she needs to get her feet in the water also. If she's going to live outside the home she needs to step up and be a co-parent to your son and stop coming around every few days for a **** fix. Quit placating to her overtures and let her know you need to fix this or be done with it.



I agree with this...I think your W is getting a little carried away with her "wants and needs". If she keeps doing this, she will feel like she can continue to walk all over you for as long as she wants. And since you are actually sincere about your want to change, you are feeling like you owe it to her to give her whatever she wants. She's taking advantage of that. And that's not right.

It's a good idea for a while to let her know that you have changed. But now she's added intimacy into the mix. So that changes things.


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## HoldingPattern (Aug 13, 2012)

CommittedHusband said:


> She came home and went to Kohl's to look for some shirts for her. She came back with a couple outfits for me. I kind of gave her a weird look and she asked why was I looking at her weird. I said it seem a bit weird for her buying me clothes and she said, "I'm still her wife aren't I?"


My wife is doing similar things, we talked about transitioning all the house bills and activities over to me this month before her move (we have separate accounts) yet she continues to pay her part of the bills, go grocery shopping for the family and buy fast food for us when things are running late. Basically she acts like things haven't changed, it's really odd. It makes me wonder if she's torn about whether she really should move out or not, but if she is she's not saying anything about it and she still seems determined to rent a house.



CommittedHusband said:


> Anyways, she ended up staying the night and anytime she spends the night, we cuddle and hold each other throughout the night.


We spent a month doing things we had not done in a long time like cuddling, me giving her back and foot massages, hugging her and holding hands in public, etc. These things were a 180 for me, I mean I've done these things in the past but infrequently. Anyway, after a month she said it was "too much" and she pulled away. So I've cut way back, just give her a hug when she gets home and one before bed. The lovemaking cut way back too, just once in the past couple of weeks. Like I said in the above post, they may seem calm on the outside but there's a raging internal debate going on under the surface and they're trying to sort through their emotions and decide what type of relationship they want with us going forward. I think my wife is trying to push into the "friend zone" which is fine, that's a good starting point to start to build a new relationship. The idea isn't to bring your wife back into your old marriage, but to change yourself into a better, more appealing person and to try to attract her into a new relationship with the new you. It takes time because initially she'll think you're just changing as a trick to get her back, it can take months to convince her that you really have changed.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

Had dinner again last night with her. It didn't go so well. I wanted to do something to make her feel special and so I lit some candles and had dinner on the table for her. I could tell she did not like that and threw it up in my face a couple times last night. Dinner wasn't bad but after dinner we went to lay down and thats where it went down hill.

She told me that she doesn't think I'm taking this separation seriously and that she has spent at least 3 nights over here in the last week. I asked her if that is because she wanted to be here. She said she feels like she needs to be here to take care of me (not sexually). She says its because I asked her to stay and she doesn't want to make me feel bad. She says its all confusing her. She did say that she doesn't like to sleep alone and maybe that is her being selfish a little bit. But she says she feels safe when she is laying next to me. She did tell me that after last night, I really need to take this separation seriously need to respect that.

She says I still have some sort of power over her. I told her she is able to do whatever she wants but she still feels she has to tell me everything she is doing. I told her it doesn't has to be like that. Told her she is her own person. I asked her if it had anything to do with her wanting to date other people. She says that is not what all this is about. She says thats all I ever worry about. She did say she deserves better then what she has been treated in the past and I agreed. She says she does kind of want to know what is out there but doesn't necessarily want to be with someone else. She just wants something to compare me to. But she says she doesn't want to or ready to be in another relationship. Keeps telling me she just needs time. She also told me that us having a separation doesn't automatically mean it is going to work out.

All I want is for it to work out. But seems everything I do, only pushes her further away. I want to give her all the space and time she needs, but my biggest fear is that during this time and space she needs, she will meet someone else.

After talking for a while last night in bed, she decided it would be best if she left and went to her mothers house. So she got up and left.

I wish I could just man up and not give in when I want to talk to her.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

CommittedHusband said:


> She told me that she doesn't think I'm taking this separation seriously and that she has spent at least 3 nights over here in the last week. I asked her if that is because she wanted to be here. She said she feels like she needs to be here to take care of me (not sexually).



You have only been following her lead, which was to be far more intimate than she had initially planned. And she is saying you are not taking the separation seriously?

I honestly commend you for your patience. This is becoming a little redundant on her end. If I was you, I would be pulling my hair out by now, wondering what the heck this person wants from me.

The way this is going, it sounds like you will be on a rollarcoaster ride for a long time. How much more are you willing to do this?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I think you need to be patient. If you feel you are on a rollercoaster, I bet your wife is as well. She clearly still cares for you but is almost certainly worried that if she comes back to you you will slip back into your old ways. So she is torn.

Carry on showing her that you really have changed and I would expect it all to come good.

Call me an optimist if you like but my wife says I am a pessimist (or a realist if I am lucky).


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## HoldingPattern (Aug 13, 2012)

CommittedHusband said:


> All I want is for it to work out. But seems everything I do, only pushes her further away. I want to give her all the space and time she needs, but my biggest fear is that during this time and space she needs, she will meet someone else.


She's telling you she needs space to figure things out, but you keep pulling her back towards you. The dinner thing is a good example, a romantic candlelit dinner is the last thing she's looking for right now. It sounds like the feelings are still there which is a good sign, but you do need to give her space to sort through her tumultuous thoughts. Have you read Divorce Busting? If not then I highly recommend it, it'll give you the game plan you need right now. You need to work on yourself and (as hard as it is to do) let her go have her space. Contact should be minimal and initiated by her, you should always sound positive and happy and end the conversation first as if you're distracted and have other things to do. The term you'll often hear is you need to GAL (get a life) which means reestablish contact with old friends, go work out, get into old hobbies or start new ones, etc. Basically give the impression that you're content and happy without her, but if she starts pulling towards you then by all means give her hints you're still there for her. But let HER make the moves, if you push too hard she'll move apart again. 

Dobson gives a good description in his Love Must Be Tough book, human nature is such that if a person pulls away, the other person responds by pushing closer. So then the person pulls even further away, and the other starts running towards them and even jumps on them trying to smother them with reasons to stay. It is exactly the WRONG thing to do! When a person pulls away, the other person needs to pull away the opposite direction. Then when the first person sees they're not being pursued, THEY will be drawn back in. This is the concept of GAL, you need to pull back too. This will give her space to think, and will also make her wonder why you're not pursuing. She'll get curious and start contacting you more, then you can work on the Divorce Busting tips for rebuilding the relationship.


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