# baby



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Punkie's thread about being scared to have a baby really sparked a fear i have been harboring. Im almost 30 years old (27 in feb) and im feeling increasingly conflicted about the whole thing. 

I am currently working on getting a degree. By the time I get my degree I will be 30. But i dont know if i want to wait that long to have a baby. The risks for the baby increase, and my recovery time and energy levels will drop. If i want a baby now, i will drop school. I cannot do both. 

If i get a degree, then have a baby, i will be a SAHM. I cant work and be a mom. Its one or the other. but i dont want to go through all this trouble to get a degree if im going to have a baby right afterwards. I was talking to my brother about it, and he said i will have security in knowing that if anything happens to my H, having a degree will give me a way to support my family. that made me feel a little better. but at the same time, if i have a baby right after i get my degree, then everything im doing now will just go to waste. i wont get a job until decades later and by then all this information will be obsolete. i will feel like i went through all that work for nothing. 

And i really like my field (biology). i think in the future with everything going 'green' there will be some really interesting jobs for me to choose from. I really want to use what im learning. I want to be involved. Working and having kids are not an option for me. but if i work, when in the world am i going to have kids?!?

EH! im conflicted. Are there really a lot more risk factors for the baby after im 30?? should i just stop school now, have a baby, and then go back to school when the kids are grown? (that's what my mom did). I just dont know what to do.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I was 33 when my first (and only) child was born. I didn't have any serious concerns about increased risk and chose not to have any additional testing done while I was pregnant. I don't think early 30s is considered "risky" anymore, as a lot of women are waiting to have kids til then. You need to look at your family history, and your own health, to make those determinations. As for recovery, I ended up with an emergency C-section but was mobile the next day and each day got easier, physically. Keeping up with an active child in my 30s (and now 40s) I'm sure is tougher than for someone in their 20s, but it isn't stopping me from enjoying whatever activity my son and I want to do. (OK, sitting on the hardwood floor playing Lego's for extended time periods is hard on the body...  )

You are working towards a degree in a field you really enjoy. I think that is worthwhile and that it will serve you well in the future. One day, your child will be in school full time and you will be there with 6+ hours of time to fill. Also, you say you can't work and be a mom. I say, never say never. You don't know how things will be once a child is in the picture.

I planned to be a SAHM after my son was born. After 2 months, I was crawling the walls. I started my own jewelry design business to keep my mind active. I said that at 5 months, I'd go back part time, but then I said, well let's wait til he's crawling, then it was let's wait til he is walking... I wasn't quite ready to let him go, but when he was a year old, I was SO ready to get back to work. I went back to my old company as a contractor, 30 hrs/week. I think I felt guilty about leaving him in daycare for the first month, and then I was fine. He was fine from day 2. 

My biggest concern before we had kids was this: what if I don't _like _being a mom? I knew I'd be a good parent but what if I didn't like it? I voiced that concern to a few people and was met with shocked looks. Apparently no one talks about that, because we're supposed to LOVE being a mom. Today, my son is almost 8 yrs old and I do like being a mom. But I will be honest; I was not very happy during that first year. A baby doesn't give back very much (not the first few months, anyway) and it took til he was about 3 for me to really start enjoying being a parent. I missed my former "identity" of my career. Now I have both, and it's great!

So I guess I'm saying you CAN have both, if you want it. But if you don't get the degree now while you have the time, it will be that much harder later. Also, building networks of people you work with is so very important if you are out of the work scene for any length of time. So I say, get the degree and then see what you feel like doing, and don't put so much weight on your age.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> My biggest concern before we had kids was this: what if I don't _like _being a mom? I knew I'd be a good parent but what if I didn't like it? I voiced that concern to a few people and was met with shocked looks. Apparently no one talks about that, because we're supposed to LOVE being a mom.


This weighs on me, too. I have watched my sisters raise their kids, and im thinking, why on earth would i want to fight with kids, get no sleep, clean up after 'em??? but they tell me, 'its different when they are yours.' i hear that so often. and i can appreciate that. but i just think the monotony and under-stimulation might drive me batty.

you do make a good point though. i guess i shouldnt say i could never work and have kids. it might be probable to work after they go back to school. 



mommy22 said:


> Do you feel ready for a child, or are you just feeling pressure because you're turning 30?


I dont know what it feels like to be ready for a child. i ask my sisters what i can do to become ready, and all i hear is 'you're never ready.' how does one know when they are ready? If i never feel a burning desire to have a child, does that mean i dont want one? 

i do feel pressured. my mom is a huge family person and believes in lots of kids. she also thinks women should only be in the home and not work. she asks me all the time when im going to have a kid. she tells me i better make up my mind b/c at thirty im putting my kid at risk. my four older sisters have kids, well one is just now pregnant, and so i feel like its my turn. i know that sounds silly, but there it is. also, one of my sisters pressures me and tells me im getting old so i need to have a baby now. of course i ask her how old she was when she had her last baby and she said 33. 

Thank you both for your insights. you've given me some things to think about.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

You're still young...plenty of fertile years left and plenty of testing available to insure you have a healthy baby. I had my first at 26 and my 4th at nearly 37 and still would consider myself young enough to pop out another if I wanted to do so.

The decsion to have a child is a very personal one and is entirely yours alone..there is no law that says every married person must procreate...your mother and sister need to back off and allow you to make your own choices in this matter. 

How does your husband feel about having children?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Earthmother1970 said:


> How does your husband feel about having children?


Ohhhhh, my husband. so many issues. he says he wants kids. but he doesnt. I would bring up kids and he wouldnt join in the conversation. then a few months ago i started talking about wanting kids, etc, and he started yawning. ok. so i switched the topic and started talking about the latest seinfeild episode he watched, and he just perked right up. he started jabbering away. that was the last time i brought up kids with him.

he says he wants kids, but he's never interested in the topic.

Also i dont think we'd make very good parents. we are actually on a good level of communicating and relating right now (at least better then we ever have been), but we both have some personal issues. i suffer from depression, as does he, and we both have explosive tempers. bad environment for kids, im thinking. 

I have so many worries about having a baby. Timing, school, me and my H, my career, and the possibility that maybe i will never have kids. I think im trying to create this perfect atmosphere, and at the same time wondering if that's even possible. and if its not possible, am i really supposed to have a kid and subject it to mine and my H's dysfunctions?


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, so if us dysfunctionals weren't procreating, the human race would have died out a long time ago 

It does sound like both you and your husband are ambivalant about having children at this point, but again, there is no real rush to have one now - I have friends who gave birth to healthy babies in their early 40's. 

Did you and your husband discuss having children prior to getting married?

Would you both consider attending some parenting classes just to test out the waters and give you both a better idea of how you might deal with parenting issues?


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Alot of people are waiting until their 40's now. I think they are high risk at that point. I had my daugher at 30 and the only difference is I didn't lose the weight as quickly as I did at 21, lol. All of my friends have just started having babies and they are mid 30-40.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Earthmother1970 said:


> There is no such thing as a perfect parent, so if us dysfunctionals weren't procreating, the human race would have died out a long time ago


LOL... i guess that is true. 

My H and I are definitely going to parent classes prior to kids. Neither of us had good role models growing up, so we have no idea what we're doing. 

it does make me feel a lot better that there's a lot of women having kids later in life. i guess i just have this fear that right at thirty my kid is going to have all kinds of health issues. and it'll be my fault. lord knows my mom and my sister would never let me forget it.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i completed a 3 yr nursing diploma course at university. that finished in march 1996 . i caught for my first son in aug 1996 (i was 24), i worked full time after returning to work and after having my second son(27) thats when i reduced my hours. 
whatever i did it felt right at the time.
but either way, until the day you actually catch pregnant, you never know if you wil or not.
i was with my ex for 6.5 yrs and i didnt catch until we split up and i had slept with him on a one off. 
i miscarried in the dec. 
with my H now we met (aug 1995), we didnt use n e thing for a year. had tests and allsorts. then i suddenly caught (aug 1996) and had our son in the may 07.
some ppl catch just like that. others dont.
i think you need to do whats really best for you.
if you dont feel its right, then you might feel ready in a few months time.
im not trying to put a downer to you on your thread. i suppose im trying to show that all ppl are different and each woman who is trying or has a child has a story to tell.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> In terms of feeling ready, I just started desiring a baby. I was scared and went back and forth, but decided to go for it. I was scared the entire pregnancy. I had so many crazy dreams---like leaving the baby on the kitchen counter and forgetting about it, dropping it on its head, you name it. Other mothers said they experienced the same.
> 
> Don't be pressured by anyone though. Do what feels right to you.


i guess that is part of the problem. i just dont know what is right, or what i think is right. i feel pretty torn. i dont know if i want a baby, or if i think i should want a baby. eh. so frustrating. 

thank you all for your posts. it has helped. i feel a little less anxious about the whole thing.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

ljtseng, 

I never had an overwhelming desire to have kids. Even when I met my husband, I didn't get that desire. I think I knew that one day I *would* because it was part of the picture of my life I'd always envisioned, but I was never all gung ho to have them. Eventually, we just decided to go for it, figuring it might take a while to get pregnant. Lucky us, it only took one try. 

Sounds like you are thinking things through carefully and I know you'll make the right decisions when the time comes. Good luck!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> I think I knew that one day I *would* because it was part of the picture of my life I'd always envisioned, but I was never all gung ho to have them. Eventually, we just decided to go for it, figuring it might take a while to get pregnant. Lucky us, it only took one try.


i think this is how i feel. and i think i feel guilty about it. i think i would much rather be in school, learning, then be a mom. but i feel like having kids is something that i know will be part of my life eventually. 

i have an older sister who feels the same, i think. she was crawling up the walls to get back into things when she had kids. now she is going to school, has a business, and is starting another business, and has two kids. she is kind of my idol, i think. 

i talked to my H about it last night. he actually saw this post and was upset b/c i didnt talk to him. so we had a talk last night and he was very supportive of how frustrated im feeling about the whole thing. he said he thinks i should get my degree and then see what happens.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> This weighs on me, too. I have watched my sisters raise their kids, and im thinking, why on earth would i want to fight with kids, get no sleep, clean up after 'em??? but they tell me, 'its different when they are yours.'


It's not different. Kids are a huge pain in the ass. I have two of them LOL. Just go hang out on some of the mom forums and you'll hear all the complaints. BUT, the difference is that when they are yours, they seriously melt your heart with each smile and each little hug. It's hard to explain, but all that insane work that they create is actually fulfilling. Which is not to say that you enjoy parenting all the time. But, yes, they are as much work as you are imagining and more.



> you do make a good point though. i guess i shouldnt say i could never work and have kids. it might be probable to work after they go back to school.


Most moms that have a degree go back to work once the child starts preschool or kindergarten, so we're just talking 3-5 years break from work. Also, I wouldn't take the possibility of working part-time off the table. In many ways, it gives you the best of both worlds because you get to have something that fulfills you intellectually and professionally and also parent.



> I dont know what it feels like to be ready for a child. i ask my sisters what i can do to become ready, and all i hear is 'you're never ready.' how does one know when they are ready? If i never feel a burning desire to have a child, does that mean i dont want one?


For some women, that burning desire is like being hungry. Your body literally feels hungry for a baby. But, I think some women just know intellectually that they want a child. I don't think you have to have a burning desire, but you should know that you want one. If you're just feeling the pressure from society or outside sources, but deep down don't see what the point would be for you, then you likely don't want one. Forget what your mom and sisters want for you - they won't be there in the middle of the night when you're up with a sick baby. They won't be there to discipline an ornery toddler, they won't be there to wait up for a truant teen. That's all going to be your job and your burn (and your joy), so only you get to decide (and your husband, of course, and if you are in disagreement with him, then that's a whole other story). 

Kids are a huge contradiction. They are wonderful and they are horrible all at the very same time. For me, the wonderfulness wins out. And, while I have a degree, I don't have much passion for my career nor do I get a sense of a meaningful existence from it. It satisfies me, but I needed "more". That "more" for me came in the form of children. They do give me a sense of purpose and meaning in life - and a sense of having my own family that is fulfilling and worthwhile. BUT, I have many many days when I also wish I could run away from it all and be free like a bird.

As for your body, I've seen the whole gamut. Women whose bodies really went downhill and women who you would never guess have ever been pregnant. While some of it is merely what happens ... in 98% of cases, it's been more about how the woman takes care of herself (as is the case with anyone). I, for one, got lazy when I got pregnant and thought it was okay to "eat for two" (or more like "for 10" ) so I came out of it all 30 pounds fatter (most of it gained AFTER they were already born and I used sugar as my "pick me up"). My point is that, if you care about staying fit, then just eat healthily and exercise and don't let yourself go. 

As for the baby being "at risk" after 30. That's not true. It's only after 35 that the pregnancy is considered to have higher risks and even then they are miniscule.

Finish your degree. Trust me, you will NOT want to be going to school after you have a kid. People do it all the time, but if they had a choice, the best option is to do it now. Most women have babies AND careers, so you shouldn't feel like you have to choose one or the other. Though having both is definitely more work.

Best of luck deciding what you want. I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing not to have kids and a child-free life will afford you many luxuries that parents don't have for many many years (sleep, peace and quiet, sponteneity, extra cash, more vacations, guilt-free living). On the other hand, being a parent puts magic in your life like you wouldn't believe (kids are the funniest people on earth - I never laughed so hard and so often in my life before I had them, you will never love another human being with this much passion and that includes yourself, at least for a little while your ego will be stroked like there's no tomorrow - kids think you walk on water and are the best thing since ice cream and that FEELS GOOD!, you are filled with a sense of maturity and responsibility and meaning that is truly the most spiritual experience a person could have ... well, unless you're like mother theresa).

Geez, sorry to go on for so long. As you can tell, I have many feelings and thoughts about this. Do what's in your heart and you won't go wrong. If you continue to be in doubt, then have a kid. You are more likely to regret NOT having one than having one.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

:iagree: Well said, MsLady!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

thank you all for your replies. i feel much better about the whole thing. i really do not want a baby right now, i was just feeling pressured and guilty. im just going to work on getting my degree. after my degree i'll come back to thinking about a baby.


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## broken (Feb 2, 2009)

Calm down. You really don't need to be worrying about having a baby right now, it happens when the time is right.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

When you hold your child in your arms nothing else matters ,I trained to be a primary school teacher and then when our son was born i stayed at home ( couldn't be away from him) then our second arrived a year later .The time went so fast i enjoyed every minute i did temp days to cover class teachers sickness etc. I went back to work when they were both in full time school and carried on my carrer now im a newly stay at home mum bringing up my brothers children and loving it


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