# Am I taking this too personally?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Waited up for my H last night. We'd been close during the evening and I wanted something to happen at bedtime. It's hard to gauge him right now, his drive is still low I think but we've been intimate a little more lately due to having some child free time.

He comes up and gets into bed with me. Asks if I'll "give him a hand." Yes of course. So half way through I'm hoping he'll jump on me but it becomes clear he's not going to. I debate just jumping on him but I know when he gets in the mood for sex he lets me know. I have done that before and he's stopped me saying he's too tired.

I ask him after if the reason he "only" wanted to do that was because he is tired. Yes, he does it because it helps him to get to sleep.

I'm disappointed. All day I have been thinking about some time alone tonight and that was not what I was thinking about! He said we'd done stuff the two days previously so he just wanted to do that to get to sleep. Said he didn't want a big debate about it at 1am. 

I can only think... Am I really selfish? 

Also I can guess some may reply with the advise that I should have just jumped on him... I have done that before when he's suggested late at night just taking care of himself... And he's stopped me dead in my tracks. That is pretty humiliating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

gads, that sounds like a pretty depressing situation.

"give me a hand". Really? Thats it? "Do me so I can sleep... as for you.. do what you want on your own time."?

You are not being selfish. He is, in a major way.

---

Sounds like you have little one(s) around. I am sure you are both physically and emotionally drained by the end of the day - so I have no doubt that is part of it... but you need to figure out a way to get yourself back in the game here if all he is interested in is a quick HJ and then crashing. Did he even offer you $20 for the task? (kidding).

Have you tried sex in the morning? Not everyones cup of tea, but seems to work for us. Kids still sleeping... yeah a little groggy at first but thigs get moving pretty quickly... and then another 30 minute nap before you have to get up.

Makes for a slightly more cheery disposition in the a.m. too.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Sorry, but in my opinion the "I'm too tired" talk isn't truthful. If he has energy for you go get him off, he has energy for sex. At the very least sex where you take the active role and he's more passive.

There are times when my wife is tired, but she'll give me a thumbs up to be on top and do everything. If that was how it was all the time that would be bad, but once in a while it's no biggie.

I think all HD partners when coupled with a LD spouse struggle with feelings of guilt/selfishness. I struggle with it all the time. In the end only you can answer that, but in my opinion from what you wrote I don't think you are selfish.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Sorry I do want to just say that he did offer to give me "a hand" after. It was all very mechanical and ticking the boxes type stuff. I felt reeeeeally resentful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Hell, I WISH that my wife would jump my bones!!!

You need to have "the talk" with him. Tell him what you feel and how you feel. Tell him that with you, it isn't just about the sex. You can get sex anywhere. It's about you connecting with him on and intimate level. That when these opportunities come up, that you should take advantage of them, because with work schedules and kids; they're few and far in between. Tell him that you want to connect with your husband. That these times are special to you. It reminds you that you DO have a loving husband and not a roommate that you co-parent with. And you want him to know that he DOES have a loving wife that wants to make him happy.

You need to communicate with him. And it's just as important to have these serious talks as much as is to making love. Couples don't do this, and serious problems start to develop.....


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

No - that doesn't sound like much fun. Has he been tested for testesterone levels, is he healthy in other ways?

I reckon this needs to be sorted outside the bedroom.... you really need to have a heart to heart about this. I doubt it will get better without some energy being put into it. At the moment he can get off without very much effort at all, if and when he feels like it. 

Does he know what you DO want? Does he know what your idea of a fun night looks like?
These blokes don't know this stuff without us showing/telling them.

But first I'd make sure he's ok... health wise.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I can only think... Am I really selfish?


No.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

You should be happy you have a happy marriage (assuming you two are happy) and than once you realize how sad the real world realize how lucky you are. 

Communication is key


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Waited up for my H last night. We'd been close during the evening and I wanted something to happen at bedtime. It's hard to gauge him right now, his drive is still low I think but we've been intimate a little more lately due to having some child free time.
> 
> He comes up and gets into bed with me. Asks if I'll "give him a hand." Yes of course. So half way through I'm hoping he'll jump on me but it becomes clear he's not going to. I debate just jumping on him but I know when he gets in the mood for sex he lets me know. I have done that before and he's stopped me saying he's too tired.
> 
> ...


You are not being selfish, you have wants and needs. If your husband needs something to get to sleep, get him some Ambien.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I can only think... Am I really selfish?
> 
> Also I can guess some may reply with the advise that I should have just jumped on him... I have done that before when he's suggested late at night just taking care of himself... And he's stopped me dead in my tracks. That is pretty humiliating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Hi,

I am a husband and I am going through a similar problem with my wife.

You are not selfish. But in my opinion he is because he is not caring/thinking about/considering your needs.

There can be many reasons behind it. Has he gone to the doctor to get physically checked? Maybe there is something wrong and he is ashamed/shy to tell you so instead of talking about it he's keeping it secret and avoid sex.


Also, it seems that there are communication problems:



> He said we'd done stuff the two days previously so he just wanted to do that to get to sleep. Said he didn't want a big debate about it at 1am.



A question for you:

Has he always been like that?Or he was different before?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

No he hasn't allways been like that. He used to be happy to go any time.

I am happy to give him a hand, I would much prefer to be involved. At this point I would rather he abstained from masturbation, because allthough I don't mind it as a "top up" , when it is taking the place of sex I think that energy needs to be channelled towards sex instead.

He if of the mind if it is fine to him then there's only a problem to me. He has gone so far as to think up solutions, suggesting an every other day arrangement, but such plans only last a week at most. Ultimately if he's in the mood it is all good. If not then he simply doesn't think about it or my needs. In his opinion I should just take care of it myself.

I just have all this sexual energy and I don't know what to do with it. I don't see the point of talking to him about it again as there isn't anything he doesn't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Anytime a spouse is masturbating while leaving their SO wanting more, it's just selfish. I agree Walkingwounded you should ask him to abstain.

Think of it as a diet, where between meals you get a bit hungry but in the end refraining from eating makes for a healthier you. In this case he needs to not sexually snack (masturbate) between meals (sex with you), for a healthier marriage. Probably not the best analogy, but it's the best I could come up with atm.

He also needs to know how much it does hurt when your sexual needs aren't met. I think LD partners struggle to understand that.


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## Frustrated Man (Apr 2, 2012)

You are NOT being selfish. Part of a husbands duty is satisfying his wife.
Next time he wants a hand job, give it to him. And when he is about to cum, stop. Let him decide if he wants to stop or finish. But finishing involves making love to you or whatever method you choose, to have an orgasm.
I sure wish my wife was like you. She would have no problems with me satisfying her!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Anytime a spouse is masturbating while leaving their SO wanting more, it's just selfish. I agree Walkingwounded you should ask him to abstain.
> 
> Think of it as a diet, where between meals you get a bit hungry but in the end refraining from eating makes for a healthier you. In this case he needs to not sexually snack (masturbate) between meals (sex with you), for a healthier marriage. Probably not the best analogy, but it's the best I could come up with atm.
> 
> He also needs to know how much it does hurt when your sexual needs aren't met. I think LD partners struggle to understand that.


The sad thing is... He knows I have questioned myself, if he still finds me attractive, I have even briefly considered he may be getting it elsewhere (he isn't.) He knows the effects it has on me. He worked it out even before I realized myself. Yet it has made no difference. He thinks I have a problem because of how often I think about sex. He has understood how it makes me feel but not done anything concrete about it to alleviate that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> The sad thing is... He knows I have questioned myself, if he still finds me attractive, I have even briefly considered he may be getting it elsewhere (he isn't.) He knows the effects it has on me. He worked it out even before I realized myself. Yet it has made no difference. He thinks I have a problem because of how often I think about sex. He has understood how it makes me feel but not done anything concrete about it to alleviate that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he changed his attitude there is a reason.

I think you will find this helpful/interesting:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/42282-rejection-weighing-heavy-me-4.html#post639381

I still don't understand why he masturbate.Is he addicted to porn?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> He thinks I have a problem because of how often I think about sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife says the same thing to me at times, I think it's a common reaction that LD spouses have towards their HD counterparts. They can't imagine having, gosh, yet more sex. Must be something wrong with that.

I don't think there is, so long as it's nothing crazy like 2-3+ a day.. just going at it like rabbits or something (which in your case isn't happening).


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

What a strange situation...how did you guys start the mutual masturbation thing instead of sex? That's usually what we do when I'm out of commission. But still. At least it's sexual contact, I suppose? But if you're wanting more, he should try harder. And you aren't selfish.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

nvm


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> What a strange situation...how did you guys start the mutual masturbation thing instead of sex? That's usually what we do when I'm out of commission. But still. At least it's sexual contact, I suppose? But if you're wanting more, he should try harder. And you aren't selfish.


CandieGirl, that is what he wants when he is too tired to have sex. He goes to bed late andmost of the time woild rather have sex at bedtime rather than in the evening say. I have pointed out if he can manage that then it isn't that big a step to some gentle sex, me hopping on top even and doing most of the work. He has nothing to say about that.

We spoke about it yesterday. He said we don't have to have sex "all the time", that is we can engage in mutual masturbation as an acceptable alternative. That he just has a low drive. Admits we used to have more sex but "that's life. It changes."

We struggle with the "who initiates" issue. I have generally stopped. I know this is a problem. He says he doesn't know that I want sex if I don't say and I should just say. He cannot empathize over the effect repeated rejection has. He gets it makes me feel bad but to him I should simply just say if I want to and he might say yes or he might say no.

Do you know what? The more I think about it, the more I realize that this is NOT simply about mismatched drives. On a basic level I understand and sympathize with both sides of that.

It is his attitude. That there is "something wrong" with me. That I am wrong to be hurt by his rejections. The thing about his rejections is that they are NEVER "nice." Never a "I'm not up for it tonight but let's make time tomorrow/Friday evening/at the weekend." His rejections allways consist of a tone of impatience. Or tell me I am strange for wanting sex at that particular time ("but we did it yesterday?" "Can't it wait until bedtime?" "We've done stuff allready this week, isn't x times enough for you? You're never happy!") 

From his perspective he has a drive. But he has never had to contend with repeated rejection. For him it's as simple as "I'm in the mood. Is walkingwounded here or is it some solo for me?" 

*sigh*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Do you know what? The more I think about it, the more I realize that this is NOT simply about mismatched drives. On a basic level I understand and sympathize with both sides of that.
> 
> It is his attitude. That there is "something wrong" with me. That I am wrong to be hurt by his rejections. The thing about his rejections is that they are NEVER "nice." Never a "I'm not up for it tonight but let's make time tomorrow/Friday evening/at the weekend." His rejections allways consist of a tone of impatience. Or tell me I am strange for wanting sex at that particular time ("but we did it yesterday?" "Can't it wait until bedtime?" "We've done stuff allready this week, isn't x times enough for you? You're never happy!")
> 
> ...


I feel your pain.
It took me a lot of talking with my wife to let her understand how I feel when she rejects me. At the beginning she was blaming me for wanting more sex. Now she is starting to understand what is like for me (I hope).
I also changed my attitude/behaviour about the matter because we were on a "negative circle". <---this is easier said than done.

Thing is that she is still the one calling the shots, so if she is not in the mood there is no way for me to get what I want.

Let us know.


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