# Is she abusive? Should I leave?



## Confus (Dec 17, 2010)

I'll try to keep this short. I'm not sure if my wife of 10 years is abusive, but I'm not happy in our relationship and I told her 2 days ago I think we should divorce.

Throughout our relationship she's had episodes of flying off the handle and saying hurtful abusive things to me, including threatening to leave me. When she's not like that I'm her knight in shining armor, the best hubby a girl could ask for... when she is, I'm a piece of trash.

She knew about the episodes before we got together but hid them from me until we'd been living together for about a year and were about to be married.

Long story short, there seems to be a physical condition that causes the mood swings. It got worse and worse over the course of the last 2 years, to the point that she was spending 100% of her time in that abusive state.

She got a new treatment, and over the course of the last 4 months has been getting better.


But I've seen this before. She gets a little better, everything will be different, then it goes right back.

I've never, ever threatened to leave before, but after telling her that the other day she's on her tip top best behavior. Being sweet and nice, and buying flowers, etc. She's been telling me that we're "worth saving," which is kind of sick since those are the words that I use whenever she tries to leave in one of her huffs.

So what's really confusing me is that her behavior is text book emotional abuse, no question. But it seems to stem from a physical illness that's been identified and maybe treated. 

Abuse victims the world over have experienced the "honeymoon" and heard "I'll change, baby" and I feel like an idiot for even considering that it could be true, but in this case I think it might be. If the abuse was caused by a physical problem that's been fixed, maybe it's over? 

Or maybe it's just more of the same...

Or maybe the damage is done and it's just too late...

Help?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I don't know about a physical condition that causes mood swings. I am sure it is possible. BUT a certain mood does not necessitate nasty behavior. If it were me, I would make a condition of staying not only treatment for the physical but therapy to learn anger management and learn more productive skills.

Good luck.


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## Confus (Dec 17, 2010)

I agreed to give it a chance with her, but I don't know why... and I've been completely miserable since then.

I don't want to interact with her, I don't want to have sex with her... but she's still being extra sweet and nice and romantic, which makes it worse.

How do I get in to the mindset of wanting to repair things? "Just choosing to be happy" is what I've been doing for years... I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be outrageously happy, I'm tired of "choosing" happiness despite adversity...


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

if she is in thearapy, i would stick it out. she might get some meds to mello out her moods. 

dont put up with the behivor, if shes getting help, she must steady the course, stay on top of all treatments and or meds.

talk to her and tell her what the deal breakers are, and decide if you and she want this together forever. its a lot to take in, i know, but its about the both of your happiness.

i hope it work out...


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## imago1 (Dec 30, 2010)

She has to be really serious about getting help to change her behaviour or she'll always be abusive.Imago coaching helps if both people are willing.It helped us tremendously.My wife is no longer abusive.Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sounds a lot like BiPolar to me. I can leave one wife at my house, run to the store, and come back a few minutes later to find her mood is entirely different. The moodswings aren't as frequent as they used to be but they can be quite dramatic, volatile, and surprising.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

This sounds a lot like my relationship. Married five years to an emotionally abusive, bi-polar husband. I was tired of the fighting, controlling etc. and told him we need to go to counselling. Suddenly he's Mr. Wonderful, bringing home flowers, not arguing about everything etc. We haven't been to counselling yet and right now I don't even feel like trying. I'm tired of it all and have no more feelings to muster up. I feel guilty though because now he's being nice and I have nothing to give. Seems to be the way it always works, they don't care till we threaten to leave but we don't threaten till we're pretty much done.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Confus said:


> I agreed to give it a chance with her, but I don't know why... and I've been completely miserable since then.


you've got to get honest with yourself about why you are staying.
Her behavior feels like emotional abuse to you because you're not completely aware of your own intentions. there are no victims in dysfunctional relationships, just two dysfunctional people trying to get what they want.


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