# Falling Apart



## Corgigirl (Aug 12, 2013)

Hi Everybody - I just need to vent. So here goes.

On Tuesday night I found out that my husband is having an affair. He was supposed to be on a business trip, however he was really with another woman.

Lets back up. We have been having issues for about 2 years now. We have been married for 8, together for 16. We have 2 kids. When the issues started I was pregnant with baby #2. I found some pretty harsh text messages from my husband to other woman complaining that I was lazy and mean. This escalated and I found very intimate texts between him and other women. He even bought and send one of them gifts. Things got worse from there and I was a very depressed pregnant person. When I gave birth my husband promised he would be better and it would not happen again.

Fast forward 6 months and it is all happening again. He goes on business trips and doesn't check in the entire time that he is gone. One time on the day he was leaving, one of the kids was running a very high fever. He said that he had to go anyway because the meeting was important. He didn't check in the entire time he was gone. When I got the cell phone bill I saw that is cell only hit off local towers. He admitted that he hadn't gone at all but instead just needed a break so he stayed with a friend.

He tells me that I'm not appreciative enough. Not affectionate enough. We don't have sex enough. We both work full time, have 2 kids, 2 dogs, and a house - our lives are very busy. I tried to work on my so called "problem" areas and asked that he do the same by giving up social media and paying more attention to his family than his phone, but he refused. 

The last few months he has been acting a bit off. He is a bit crankier than usual and taking a lot of business trips. One time he came home and I found a women's white t-shirt in his bag. He told me he did laundry while traveling and must have picked it up there. I feel like such a fool now.

So Tuesday night he was supposed to be in SC. I just had a weird feeling and called. He did not answer, but instead sent a text back. He said he had an executive in the car. When I finally did talk to him he was nearly yelling at me for bothering him and I didn't expect him to speak that way in front of an executive. I finally broke down and told him I thought he was lying and I wanted the truth right then. He told me that he wasn't in SC but that all he could tell me. He came home later that night and admitted to an affair - for the last several months. It has been with the same women so there is obviously a relationship and not just sex. She knows he is married with 2 kids but that is all I know. How can someone willing break up a marriage when 2 little kids are involved. 

I asked him to leave for a couple of days so that I can process. He refuses - says he wants to be with the kids. I told him that he voluntarily gave up time with the kids over and over to be with her. And now I'm asking for just a couple of days and he won't even give me that.

I don't know what to do. I am so mad at him right now. But he is all I've ever known. I've been with him since I was 16 years old. I have a good job and financially can support myself and both kids but I know nothing about taking care of a house - he does all of the home repairs and car maintenance. He pays the bills and does the investing. And he says that we will have shared custody of the kids. I really want the kids to live with me but I'm just not even sure what to do. I can't even think about not seeing my kids every day.

I am so mad that the rest of my life is decided by a decision that he made. I get no say. I feel like I'm not good enough - what is wrong with me? What is so wrong that he could hurt me so bad?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

2 words...

Lawyer Up.

No more talking to him, only to your lawyer. Your "man" is no more. No more talk, no more sex, no interaction... none. 

Hear a truth... 

My wife cheated on me. My lawyer let me know (in very direct terms) that after I knew the truth of her cheating and I "caved" and had sex with her... in GA, it was a "legal" form of forgiveness and her previous actions (infidelity) were in the eyes of the court forgiven and no more. 

Be careful.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

Corgigirl said:


> Hi Everybody - I just need to vent. So here goes.
> 
> On Tuesday night I found out that my husband is having an affair. He was supposed to be on a business trip, however he was really with another woman.
> 
> ...


There's nothing wrong with you. Absolutely nothing. He is panicking because you found out. He thought he was so clever fooling you ... but is now very insecure because you are on to him. Good on you!!

Try to stay strong.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Find a lawyer..like yesterday. He has lost respect for you that is clear. No one deserves to be disrespected like that.

Good luck to you.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

When people show you who they really are, believe them the first time.

Get legal counsel. Depending on your location, you might be able to get a at fault divorce. 

If not, you are about to see what true injustice looks like.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Yep its ALL your fault

Always 

Always is

Always was

Always will be

Save yourself another two years of soul searching, wondering if it was you, another 2,000 posts on TAM .......but realizing ultimately you were actually practically blameless and he's just a selfish entitled sob who has nil respect for you 

You are living with a prize cake eater who will always treat you like sh!t on his shoe and who you now know to be a complete different person to the one you thought you loved and who loved you 

can 
dump 
trash 

Don't waste any more seconds of your life with somebody who does not deserve you

Do it


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is a cake eater.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Your husband is what is referred to as a "scumbag"

NOW he wants to be with his kids? He had no problem lying to you, saying he was leaving for an important trip when you were home with a baby with a high fever. Where was his love for his kids then?

Find a lawyer. Today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

wow. you are married to an incredibly disrespectful, total doucheb*g. get rid of him now!

see a lawyer, tell everyone you know he is a serial cheater and start planning your life without him. it's going to hurt like hell for a while but in the end, you'll find satisfaction knowing you're no man's doormat. your marriage is full of lies. dump him. 

you don't need a man to take care of your house. hire one or live in a rental where those things are taken care of by the landlord. 

how old are your kids?


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Divorce. ASAP. 

There is nothing wrong with you, right now. Stay with him for few more years, and sure as hell everything would definitely be wrong with you.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Harsh truths:

You can push him to leave the house but you can't force him to leave. If he had a lawyer, his lawyer would tell him to never leave the house.

You can't be completely rid of him without also giving away time with your kids unless he agrees to that.

The "norm" for custody is moving to the middle...50/50. I know you were not the cheater, but there are many people here whose wife cheated with kids, and for the most part...those women all still get their kids at least 50% of the time, despite being cheaters.

Also a truth...is that in staying in the same house with him, you will never be as good of a mom to your kids as you would be if you filed for divorce and fought, like a lady, for custody. You may end up with 50/50 custody but their father may be willing to go 70/30 in favor of you as well (or a judge may grant that based on 'best interest'). But being a great mom 100% of the time while only having custody 50% of the time, is better than living in torment, never able to give everything you want to your kids.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this crap

1. Get a lawyer
2. Expose the Affair, make sure your family and his know and do it right away
3. Get checked for STD's ( I caught something it was only a UTI) but get checked.
4. Get into Counseling right away.
5. Whatever you do. Do not have sex with him.
6. Read the 180 and start it!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Okay 

I've read your other threads and story

You need to get a grip on reality and quick

Your 'ever loving' husband has done a 'job' on you - a big one 

He has etched away at your inner self value esteem and confidence until there is little of it left 

I lived with someone like that and started to actually believe what they had instilled, bashed, mentally and emotionally into me was reality - was true 

I woke up realized I was damn good dad and a pretty good husband and she was cake eating lying treacherous betraying serial adulterer scumbag who enjoyed putting me in 'that place' - rewrote marriage history to justify her sh!t and left me feeling lower than an underground cave

When you wake up you'll realize you can bring the kids up alone and well, he will still go to work and probably not want much to do with them and you can bury his cheating fking arse in quicksand.

Wise up, grow a pair and treat his with the respect he has shown you - NONE. The 180 is a perquisite. the moment he can see you can stand on your own two feet - just watch him then. 

Take a picture of his face at that moment because you will treasure it and remind yourself you will never let anybody put you there again 

:smthumbup:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

File for D. Implement the 180.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Corgigirl said:


> Hi Everybody - I just need to vent. So here goes.
> 
> On Tuesday night I found out that my husband is having an affair. He was supposed to be on a business trip, however he was really with another woman.
> 
> ...


There's nothing wrong with you. Except that you made the 'mistake' of marrying someone wicked enough to do this to you and to his own children.

Sadly, they do not come with warning signs, so there's no way of telling in advance.

See a lawyer, get tested for STDs.

Sorry you are here, but I'm glad you found us.


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## Corgigirl (Aug 12, 2013)

Thank you for all of your comments and advice.

I know this is going to sound ridiculous to many of you, but has anyone ever worked through something this horrible? I mean, how do you get past the lying and the cheating. How do you trust again? 

I'm not saying that I want to work through this, I'm just wondering if possible. I really would like my 2 kids (still very young - 4 and 1) to grow up in a house with their parents who are still married. Maybe I'm being unrealistic or extremely naïve, but I just cannot picture everyday life without my children.

I know what my husband did was unspeakable and I am ripped apart by it. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate and I can't stop crying. But I also can't picture my life without him. We have been together for 16 years and I know I have my own shortcomings. I am an actuary and I work very hard at my job - many hours at the office. I concede that my husband has taken a backseat to my job in the past. So I'm not saying that what he did is okay but I am saying that I was not perfect. I could have been a better partner and maybe he wouldn't have wanted to stray.

But all of this is a mute point at the moment anyway. Because even if I was willing for try and forgive, go to counseling, whatever else, it doesn't matter if he doesn't want it. And I think he has pretty much made his decision. He is picking a 3 month relationship over an 8 year marriage. This hurts to the point that I cannot breathe. 

The affair is exposed - his family is very disappointed with him and has reached out to me to express their concern for my wellbeing as well as to let me know that they will stand by both of us in whatever decision we make. They say that as if I actually have a decision. My parents are far less understanding. 

I just still cannot believe this is my life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Corgigirl said:


> Thank you for all of your comments and advice.
> 
> I know this is going to sound ridiculous to many of you, but has anyone ever worked through something this horrible? I mean, how do you get past the lying and the cheating. How do you trust again?
> 
> ...


It takes time and counselling. This site will provide back up, too, plenty of resources to draw on, just check the site out. Also your new friends here. We'll be here for you.:smthumbup:


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Corgigirl said:


> Thank you for all of your comments and advice.
> 
> I know this is going to sound ridiculous to many of you, but has anyone ever worked through something this horrible? I mean, how do you get past the lying and the cheating. How do you trust again?
> 
> ...


 Oh you have short comings do you? I got news for you Corgigirl.......................we all do. Some worse than other and some not as bad but all that means is your not perfect and no one is.

Even with shortcomings, that's still no reason for him to cheat on you.

You mentioned that you know nothing about taking care of a house. My advice to that problem? Learn. If you don't know something, ask. Lots of people do that. 

There's a lot of people that can support themselves and their kids and can't do certain things. Not to mention that there's something called "Google" that comes in real handy.

Don't sell yourself short on maintaining a home. If your smart enough to hold down a good job, then you can learn how to use a screw driver or a lawn mower. And one other thing. Don't be too proud to ask. Lots of people ask and from that they learn. I got faith in you. You can make it on your own if that's what you choose to do. Good Luck.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i know you are hurting and can't imagine living without the man you thought you'd grow old with but guess what - he's not the man you thought he was.

despite all your flaws, you are not a selfish cheating liar. he is. and a huge one too. the way he has treated you is unbelievable. it made my stomach knot up just reading your story.

is is possible you 2 come back from this? sure it is. but you'll both need hours and hours of IC and MC. not to mention complete transparency and possibly even job changes. 

you'll hate him sometimes.
he'll resent the hell out of you sometimes.
you'll want to quit it all sometimes.
and you will not trust him most of the time. for a long time.

and maybe in the end, years from now, it will all be worth it.

but, if you both aren't committed to stick it out to the bitter end, through some terrible times, no, you will not make it and you will not live a happy life.


at this point it sounds like he's checked out. that will make all the hard sh!t i just wrote about even harder.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

Corgigirl said:


> Thank you for all of your comments and advice.
> 
> I know this is going to sound ridiculous to many of you, but has anyone ever worked through something this horrible? I mean, how do you get past the lying and the cheating. How do you trust again?



There are lots of couples that survive infidelity but only when both people want the marriage to continue and put in the Hard work to recover it. 

The affair is not your fault at all. The affair has to do with your husband being *selfish*. He could and should have chosen to put his energy into making your marriage better instead of an affair. At the moment, he isn't making decisions for anyone's good but his own. 

I would suggest Shirley Glass's book, "Not just friends" even if you can't get him to read it, there is a lot of info that you can use, there's even a chapter about having to heal from this mess without a partner.

I'm so sorry you're here having to deal with this. I wish you the best of luck.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am a big fan of R but he has to really want it. He has to know you are willing to walk now and in the future. What has he done to show remorse?

Has he started any type of MC or IC on his own? Is he begging you to take him back.

I mean he really has to want this. It is going to take years to build a new marriage. You cannot sweep this under the rug.


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## Corgigirl (Aug 12, 2013)

He has not really done anything to show his remorse. He keeps apologizing to me over and over and saying that he never meant for it to happen. He hugs me. I don't hug back. I asked him to leave the house for a few days so I could just have some time, but he refuses to leave. Its funny to me how he willing left time and time again to be with her (telling me he was away on business) but when I ask for just a couple of days, he won't give me that. Now, all of a sudden, he can't leave the kids.

Its been a week now and its been a very difficult week, with Easter right in the middle. We spent it apart. Me with my parents and him with his. We traded off the kids halfway through the day.

He said that he doesn't know what he wants. He wants to know what I want. I told him that I need time to figure that out and he needs to do the same. I don't want him to make a decision based on my decision. Its almost like he is waiting for me to say that I want a divorce and he'll know he still has her. If I say I want to work on the marriage, he still has me. So either way, he has someone. He isn't willing to make a decision that could leave him with nothing.

I honestly do think that I can forgive him with time, if he truly makes an attempt and he takes responsibility for what he did not only to me but to our boys. But I'm not yet sure I want to be married to him. I did find a therapist in my area and have made an appointment. So at least I can start working on myself. That and a lot of jogging and country music has helped me through the past week. I have been with my husband since I was 16. He is the only person that I have ever been with. I am scared about being out there again. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes and I can't see myself ever being that comfortable with someone else. I know that everything takes time. I just feel like I am faced with this huge decision and I don't even know where I should start. I wish I could see the future so I would know how this plays out.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Hi there, CorgiGirl. I'm also a betrayed wife, and also a lover of herding breeds! :smthumbup: I've never owned a corgi (mostly shepherds) but have loved every corgi I've ever met! 

Anyway - as a woman, let me tell ya, car and house maintenance/repairs are really intimidating at first, but when you fix something all on your own... there is _nothing_ that beats that sense of accomplishment and self-sufficiency. You can do it. There are tutorials for everything on YouTube now anyway 

Sounds like you know exactly what you need to see in order to even consider reconciling, and that's great. Stick to your guns and stay true to yourself. Guilt and fear will cycle around and disrupt you now and then - don't let these emotions rule you.

Good luck.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

As an actuary you know something about statistics and probabilities. Apply that logic to your erstwhile husband's unremorseful self-indulgent lying, cheating, disrespectful, and thieving behavior. What are the odds he'll change?

You can have a bright future. You haven't even reached your middle age - you're young and smart enough to hold down a good job while raising a family. Find and give a deserving guy a chance at happiness with you.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

One month before I was to marry my wife I found out she was looking to meet up with someone. 

We were dating 5 years. What could I do.. 20k wedding planned that I completely paid for myself as I put her through college.. 

The Truth is I loved her.. So we got married. That was September

About 2 years into our marriage we had our first boy. About 1 year after he was born I found out, she was going to meet someone online at a motel near the airport.. 

We did some halfa$$ counseling and I swept it under the rug..

The Truth is I loved her.. That was around September as well.

About 5 years later we have our 2nd boy and again about a bit over a year after that I found out she was chatting it up with her old boyfriend that she broke up with to be with me. He was a drug addict and now a reformed man working as a drug counselor in Florida. I only caught 1 email but she admitted to more and to trolling to meet up. I was mad as hell. But..

The Truth is I loved her. That also was around September.

We did some more counseling. This time I thought it was much better. I went for 6 months and she continued for another year or so. We went twice a week. I felt we came out stronger. 

About 7 to 8 years later I am working a case ( I'm a Detective in NYC ) in upper Manhattan, and something makes me look at my cell phone bill online from my phone. Its strange since I don't even pay my bills as my wife does it all. 

I find out she is calling and texting someone about 50 to 100 times a day.. I call her up and ask her why she is doing this and she tells me she doesn't love me anymore and is leaving.. 

I fall apart and get driven home. 

She lies to me for 4 months and tells me she wants to work things out. December rolls around and near the end of December I discover she bought this man a Xmas present.. 

BTW I discovered the affair Sept 25, 2012.. 

Nonetheless she tells me she is done and is leaving. She doesn't love me anymore. I didn't do anything wrong, she just doesn't love me anymore. 

I beg, cry and plead her to stay.. 

From January 2013 to April 2013 I had to endure her answering her phone just about every night when he called. She would go into the bedroom speak with this man, get dressed, go out and fvck him for 4 hours and then come back home. 

For 4 months I had to endure this. 

I cried 10 times a day for 7 months straight. I prayed if their was a god ( Not religious, don't believe in it ) that could take me away from all of this. There came a point where I would be my own god and do myself in.. Fortunately I came to my senses ( or a ghost is typing this stuff, **spooky** ) 

Took me over a year to figure out why I looked at my phone bill that day.. It simply was a trigger I was suppressing.. Every September I get edgy and short tempered.. 

Mind you I never cheated on my wife.. I just never thought of doing it. 2 wrongs don't make a right.. 

The Truth is I loved her.. I really did.. Its a shame she didn't love me back, ever.. 

I seen the good in her even when she didn't.. 

You would think she would look back on all those times and say *" You know, I have a good, honest, hard working man. He has worked more so I never did. He has been with me through all my attempts at destroying this marriage. Held out for me when I couldn't.. He was angry but always showed me he loved me in the end.. I owe him.. I owe him what I wrote in that card the very first time he caught me and I begged for forgiveness. I told him I would show him how much I loved him for the rest of his life.. I owe him that much" *

But she didn't.. She kicked me to the curb and moved in with this other man.. A man 10 years older and a foot short at 5'3". literally has nothing going for him and has to work the rest of of his life until he can collect social security. Assuming he worked on the books and paid into it..

Today my Ex wife has shut me out of her life, but shut out everyone. She shut out her oldest 14 year old son. She shut out her whole family and relatives.. The only person she see's is our youngest 9 year old on every monday and tuesday.. 

After 19 years of being together, we barely speak.. I can't think of the last time I actually heard her voice.. You would think I had the affair.. 

My whole point with all this dribble. 

You say you don't want to fix this, but your post clearly says you do. You hoping for some silver lining. That he had some implant in his head controlling him. That he was on some sort of drug not making him think straight.. 

Sadly its not going to happen.

Trust me, if there was some sort of magic potion or spell to fix this, I would have had it already. The person before me that went through the same thing would have told me about it and posted it here for everyone to use. 

I wanted my Ex wife back for a long time.. Well a long time for me at least.. 

Nonetheless today I date a woman 10 years younger then my Ex. Much more attractive ( to the point of annoyance ) and makes well over 100k a year ( my Ex makes 25k a year ).. 

You don't see it out now, trust me I know.. But you will find men of similar class. You will see that their are dozens of men that are just better then your ex in many things and many categories.. 

Unfortunately you will have to go through a sea of pain before you realize it.. Again there is NOTHING anyone can do for you.. We all have to go through it. Personally I will openly admit, I took it HARD.. I was not so strong when it came to this. This was like my Achilles Heel. 

I cried going to sleep. I cried in my dreams and I cried waking up.. It was horrendous. I didn't know how to bear it. I just woke up every day and dragged myself through the days.. I was on autopilot.. I went to work but did nothing.. I couldn't think of anything or keep a clear head.. 

I go to therapy every monday and sometimes I go twice a week if I am having more issues for some reason.. 

I thought I had it bad, but then over time I realized my Ex wife had it worse.. She walked away with NOTHING.. I have the kids, the house, the money.. She will be paying me child support soon enough.

My youngest goes to be with her but really doesn't want to. There will come a time where he just decides he won't want to go anymore. 


So my point is this..

As much as I LOVE MY KIDS.. I would have told her get lost the day my friend introduced me to her.. I should have cut her loose the month before the wedding. I should have cut her loose after the second incident or even the third.. 

The good thing is I lost 85 LBS an I work to keep it off.

Everything your worrying about don't as you will honestly learn to figure out and handle. Also guess what anything else the courts will force him to figure out for you as well. 

Being a woman the odds are stacked in your favor so don't worry. 

That woman is a piece of sh!t as well. I thought the same thing about the other man.. How the fvck can you get in the middle of a family with kids.. I mean honestly they tell you there are 4 billion woman in the world. You couldn't find your love match in those other 3 billion and change..

But again YOU WILL ENDURE THIS, like so many others have and you will come out on top.. 

But you need patience to see it happen.. 

I agree with everyone else here.. He is a d0uche and will not change.. 

Go to a lawyer, Go to therapy.. Talk to family and anyone else you can think of that will give you some sound advice.. Come here and vent.. Just keep it to one thread so everyone can follow.. 

I would speak to the garbage man if I knew it be helpful.


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## Corgigirl (Aug 12, 2013)

Ok, so here I am a few days later - really not any better of. I'm still furious and sad. I want to run to him but I know I can't. I have so many thoughts and feeling running through my head, its making me insane. He is still living with me in the house. He keeps asking me how I am or what I want for dinner. He is acting like nothing happened. Still taking a shower and walking out of the bathroom completely naked in front of me. Still doing my laundry, even though I separated it and put it in a different basket. 

I asked him flat out if he was still talking to the other woman and he said yes. He said he hasn't decided what he wants yet and he wants to know what I can give him before he makes that decision. This just infuriates me. Shouldn't I be the one who gets to make demands? Shouldn't I be the one who gets to decide if I take him back? Shouldn't he be the one trying to "fix" himself? Basically he thinks I take him for granted. I don't do enough and I don't compliment him enough. I don't give him enough sex. I don't think I'll ever be good enough for him. All he ever thinks about is sex. So even if I complimented him more and thanked him more (which I probably haven't done as much as I should have), he would still want more and more sex. He just has a huge sexual appetite and mine is not so large - especially in the last 2 years when I knew he was talking to women online and I found bad things written about me. Its hard to sleep with someone after you find all that. But I still did. I did all the things he wanted me to do - but just not enough or good enough, I guess. Now, he still wants to talk about sex even though he just cheated and my heart is ripped apart. He says things like, "what are your fantasies and if we were back together what would you do to me". This is just disgusting to me. How am I supposed to react to this? I told him that I didn't feel like sharing with him because I didn't think he deserved it anymore. 

I love my husband and I want to save my marriage. But I'm just not sure. If he can't love me for me and he is always looking for more, I'll never be enough.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Corgirl you have one shortcoming. You clearly married beneath you.

Try to get what YOU want. Don't settle for second best. 

Being cheated on is horrible. However it is possible to reconcile so long as both sides are sincere and 100% into it.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Tell him you can give him 1/2 of his assets and 2 weekends a month with his kids. Then tell him if he keeps it up he'll be lucky to get that. 

You're letting him treat you like a doormat by default. Kick him out of the bedroom. You don't have to start a war with him but you need to cut him out of YOUR life - he belongs in the children's lives but not in yours.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Your husband is a cake eater.


*Matt is totally correct! Just pick up any Webster's Dictionary and look under the word "cake-eater," and I'd venture to say that you'll find your hubby's picture posted there ~ right along with a whole lot of others, I'm afraid!

Get yourself a good piranha attorney to go dine on his a$$!*


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm sorry you are hurting so much.
your cheating husband is clueless and you aren't demanding the respect you deserve. tell him NC. period end of story. if he can't do that, start the divorce process.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Corgigirl said:


> I asked him flat out if he was still talking to the other woman and he said yes. He said he hasn't decided what he wants yet and he wants to know what I can give him before he makes that decision.(


I registered just to respond to you!

Sounds to me like he is auctioning himself off, and wants to see what you are willing to bid against this other woman. Talk about selfish! This is not a man who will ever be able to do what you need to rebuild the marriage. You promising sex five nights a week and better blow jobs than the other woman on the other two nights will not magically make him honest with you again. A man who really wanted to stay married to you, who respected you and the family, would be dumping the other woman in an instant and doing everything he could to regain your trust. He hasn't done this, so he's already chosen the other woman over you. He's just trying to make the perception of the decision be yours instead of his so that he, and the world, can think of you as the bad one who ended the marriage, not him.

I think you already know what you need to do. You are not trapped in indecision here, you are just trying to postpone the inevitable because you are afraid of it. He has already demonstrated that his sexual gratification is more important to him than being there for his children when they are ill, or being respectful and honest with the woman he made vows to in a church. After you discovered his affair, he's had chances to change that but instead all he's done is ask you how much more importance you are going to place on his sexual gratification.

The main reason for you to stay seems to be that you do not want to be away from your children. Well, sadly, that isn't a decision for you to make here; it is a decision your ex has already made for you. I believe though, that it is better for children to be raised in two separate, happier homes, than to live stuck in a single messed-up one. Do you want to give them an example that women are self-sufficient and worthy of respect, or do you want to teach them that men don't need to respect women and can lie to them with impunity? Will you raise them better being around them 100% of the time but miserable, or around them less than that but happy? They are young enough now that they will grow up without remembering their parents' bad marriage, and can grow up instead with an example that being independent is better than being in a bad relationship tolerating a spouse who cheats. Also, I suspect that your ex is threatening 50-50 as part of his strategy for convincing you not to dump him, but that it isn't what he really wants. Anyone who would go hang out with their lover instead of sticking around for a sick child isn't that committed of a parent, so call his bluff.

You are saying goodbye to your previous hopes and dreams for the future, not to your ex-husband. You feel out of control of your own life. But that's not the case. You are better able to forge new hopes and dreams for yourself than you are to change a lying, cheating, disrespectful man with no family values.

From the sounds of it, you never actually had the husband you thought you did. The one you have now looks just like the one you built your dreams on, but that was just a dream. You have to deal with the one you now realize you have in reality. The man you loved is gone, or was maybe never really there in the first place. Drop the evil twin you are dealing with now and move on with your life. You can do it.

He's going to be doing a lot of blaming you for his actions, telling you that you left him no choice, that you didn't provide for his needs, that you're a bad parent, etc etc. Anything to avoid looking at his own faults, which are pretty monumental. And sure you have some faults, because everybody does. The point though, is that he could have been supportive of you improving yourself, he could have suggested and attended counselling, he could have picked up your slack with the kids and been a good father. Those would have been the actions of a good partner and teammate in a healthy marriage. But he didn't. He checked out instead. And he wouldn't start suddenly and meaningfully doing those things just because you offered more blow jobs. Lots of group projects can succeed even if one person isn't pulling their weight. A marriage isn't one of them.

It doesn't matter how long you were with him. What matters is how much more of your life you want to continue feeling the way you do now.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

As one actuary to another: file for divorce now. Period. Your hb is a self centered spoiled brat that knows you don't have the backbone to leave. He's still talking to his sk$nk and he's going to continue talking to her because you have demonstrated that you are a doormat that's afraid to be without him. I'm sorry if that's harsh but that's exactly what he's demonstrating. You know very well it's not about the kids; he doesn't want to leave because he knows staying there is going to browbeat you into letting it go. He's not going to change and you know it. Please grow a spine, lawyer up and file for divorce. Now. Or make peace with the fact that your hb is going to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corgigirl (Aug 12, 2013)

I know you guys are right. It is just so hard right now. I want with every bone in my body for my husband to pick me. But at the same time, even if he did, I'm not sure how long it would take me to forgive him and trust him. And I'm not sure he could live with that. 

I told him already that the fact that he hasn't made up his mind yet about what he wants, has made my mind up for me. If a woman he has known for 3 months has just as much weight as me in this decision, then what is the point. I'm not going to win. What I can offer is never going to be as good as what she can. She is still new and exciting. She doesn't have 2 kids to take care of and has spare time to go running off to NYC with my husband. So of course, life with her is better. I just always thought he was the kind of person who cherished family life. Who understood it wasn't easy but he always wanted that. When we were first married (even before marriage), I never really wanted kids. I just wanted dogs. He always wanted kids. I finally came around. He was a really good guy and after awhile I could start picturing us with kids. Once I had my first, I was hooked. I regret ever thinking that I didn't want kids. But he wanted them sooooo badly and to see what he has done to them now just makes me sick.

So if I did get a lawyer, that would cost me a pretty penny. I don't have much money -which may sound odd coming from an actuary, but my husband handles all the finances (he is an accountant). He pays the bills and does all of the investing. I don't have my own checking account or credit cards. And we have a lot of credit card debt. I've already figured out that I could support myself on my own - my salary is nice and at least that is one thing I have going for me. But how can I afford a laywer. And how could I get one without my husband knowing? He keesp saying that if we decide to split (and by that he means if he decides for us that we will split), we can do it without lawyers. We will just split everything and figure out the kid situation. Now, he also mentions that this won't be a typical situation as he travels a lot for work and has activities so I would have to be flexible. 

I don't know why he has such a handle on me. We have been together since we were kids - maybe that is why. Hes always taken care of everything. And I know I sound like a big baby and I know I have to buck up and take care of myself. And I know that I will be better for it in the long run, and so will my kids. But it is just so hard.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

Since he handles all the money, I would just mention to you ... Make sure he isn't using this time to funnel money out of your joint accounts into an account to feather his future nest with the OW.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, you were pregnant, with his child and he called you fat and lazy? Wow, that's almost as disrespectful as the affair. 






P.S. I know the baby was your child as well, dramatic effect and all that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He wants to get both offers before deciding which one to take. 

R is a very long and hard road. The easiest part of it is the decision to do it. The rest of it is tough. Trust once broken is very difficult to get back. The triggers and mind movies can go on for years and years. Or decades, in my case. Can it be done? Sure. With someone who is actually remorseful. Which your husband isn't.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, no! You are an actuary and you married an accountant? 

You *did* marry beneath you!:rofl:


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

MattMatt...I'll let you go for that one.


Back on topic. Yes it will be hard to let go, but it will be worth it in the end.

You are in a bad place with him at the moment but there is hope for a better place with the 'weight' of him off you.

Good luck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why is it such a prize for him to "pick" you? He's a pos and you know it. Take your paycheck back now; he's probably already hidden money and used your money on his sl!t. Seriously girl, it's time to grow up. Inform him that he will longer be handling the bills and all the money. I'll refrain from saying anything else lest I insult accountants 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

Please, please listen to all these posters and file for divorce. Due to your husband's behavior(s) there really isn't any other choice. He made his choices and now you need to make yours without any input from him. Google "chump lady" and look at her write about what she calls the "pick me dance", this is what your husband wants you to do. Do not play that game bc trust me that game is rigged and you will never win. 

Nothing you did or didn't do caused your husband to be a selfish liar, manipulator and a cheat. He owns all of that. But there is a reason he is staying around and if he controls the money, he could be planning something or filtering out money/marital assets. Lawyer up ASAP and I would suggest file for divorce bc in my jurisdiction once this is done a financial restraining order is imposed so one party cannot dissipate all marital assets. My STBXH also tried the lets just divide everything and split without getting lawyers involved, which made me laugh at the time. So make an appointment with a good divorce lawyer and explain the financial situation, the lawyer will advise you how to get the money for legal fees. 

I have been where you are (minus the 2 kids) and trust me it will not get better until you get away from him. The in house separation will wear you down, so talk to a lawyer about seeking a court order allowing you sole use and occupancy of the house and getting temporary orders for your husband to pay or help pay household bills and child support. And go NC with your husband as much as possible for your emotional well being.

I know you want R now and it would be lovely if that worked out for you, but with how your husband is acting that is unlikely at this point (in my opinion). I have been dealing with this for 2 years almost, have had my whole life effected, lost everything and I believe that if I had been more decisive and gone NC in the beginning, I'd be in a much better place in life. I tried R, it was false R and I would give anything to have the past year of my life back and I would hate to see anyone lose time like I did. I'm an attorney and most people think I'm pretty tough and a no nonsense person but my husbands infidelity almost destroyed me and it was partly my fault bc I didn't just say "s***w it" and go NC. And now my divorce is almost final but it's taken forever and is only moving fast now is bc OW is pregnant.

You will be more than ok without your husband and I think the posters who are the happiest and most well adjusted are the ones who left their cheating spouses and never looked back. I wish I could have been that strong. Just remember you didn't cause this and you deserve so much better!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Corgigirl, please understand that your husband is emotionally unstable at this moment. He, however, will play it off like he has righteousness on his side. This is the folly of the cheater mindset: they are so self-deluded, so addicted to the emotional highs of the novel relationship, that they actually believe God and His angels are smiling upon them, that life has colors they never saw before, and they deserve every good thing coming to them.

We say cake-eater here, referring to one wanting their cake and eat it to. I call it the black hole of a selfish cheater. Cheating spouses ought to be treated as ADDICTS. They are so given over to how good the relationship feels, that they lose all objectivity, rational thought, and live in such a heightened state of denial (to overcome the extreme guilt)...that they are blind to the destruction they are causing to others and to themselves. They become a completely different person...an addict. They will lie, lie, lie...all in order to keep the relationship. It was secreted away because he thought he could keep his family and just have his little thing on the side. But the addict brain is not satisfied with status quo...flirting MUST progress to emotional affair...EAs MUST progress to sex (either simulated or physical)...and then all of this MUST progress to increased involvement, frequency, and risk to the point that your husband is sacrificing his most precious things for a feel-good, fantasy. ADDICT.

Why then is he apologetic and deferential at times? It may be part guilt, but mostly damage control. He wasn't ready for this to be found out. He more than likely lied to himself that he could keep it in balance, but most cheaters can't juggle the balance of guilt, responsibility, and sexual/emotional desire. Their addict brain recognizes that new relationship makes him feel good, MUST BE LOVE!!!!! They get confused why marriage feels suddenly dead, cold, lifeless. The selfishly BLAME their marriage for why they are leaving...looking for excuses and justifications to switch off guilt and continue the affair. 

DO NOT fall in the trap of shouldering responsibility for his leaving OR apologize OR beg OR plead OR cry OR pepper him with questions of why?...it will only embolden him to treat you like garbage, keep the upper hand, and feel justified to continue to disrespect you. GO DARK on him, meaning don't tell him what you want, what you plan to do. The main buzzkill for a cheater is CONSEQUENCE...PAIN. When you emotionally pull away and leave him to his own thoughts, keep him in the dark, don't do him any favors, don't sweep this under the carpet...not giving him any room to blame anyone but himself...he may begin to think more logically about things. You say you can't afford a lawyer, but having him served will be the ultimate reality check...it may be a necessary cost. You can always halt things if he chooses to reconcile (but reconciliation MUST be 100% no contact with slvt, 100% accountability, and 100% initiative taking with getting counseling and marital help...ACCEPT NOTHING ELSE). Right now, he is practicing damage control and accessing what from both worlds can he keep...affair partner, kids, home, your income.

I knoe I said a lot, but I hope it gives you some perspective of why your husband's behavior is probably push/pull and wishy-washy. He is unstable and out of control. He doesn't know what he wants.

Play hardball enough that he will feel it. If he turns around, great...if not, then you have already made steps for independence. Read _Love Must Be Tough_...it's old and Christian based...but very accurate about the mindset of a cheater and explains the best chance for reconciliation in the midst of infidelity. BUt I wouldn't proceed with reconciliation in mind...set your boundaries to protect your mental, emotional, and physical self. You have been dealt a MAJOR TRAUMA to your psyche and probably are looking for safe options...staying in a marriage in crisis without guarantee of his fidelity is NOT SAFE.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Corgigirl said:


> I know you guys are right. It is just so hard right now. I want with every bone in my body for my husband to pick me. But at the same time, even if he did, I'm not sure how long it would take me to forgive him and trust him. And I'm not sure he could live with that.


You can't wait around for him to pick you. He's already demonstrated with his actions that he won't. What he wants is for time to magically rewind to before you found out about his affair so he can have his life back to the way he liked it.

His lover could die in a freak car accident tomorrow and you would not get your husband back. The man you loved is gone, replaced by an evil twin. He is going to blame you for all his own cheating actions, and continue to lie to you and manipulate you instead of working to regain your trust, and probably cheat again with the next receptive woman he meets.



Corgigirl said:


> I told him already that the fact that he hasn't made up his mind yet about what he wants, has made my mind up for me.


This! Now take action on it.



Corgigirl said:


> If a woman he has known for 3 months has just as much weight as me in this decision, then what is the point. I'm not going to win. What I can offer is never going to be as good as what she can. She is still new and exciting. She doesn't have 2 kids to take care of and has spare time to go running off to NYC with my husband. So of course, life with her is better. I just always thought he was the kind of person who cherished family life. Who understood it wasn't easy but he always wanted that. When we were first married (even before marriage), I never really wanted kids. I just wanted dogs. He always wanted kids. I finally came around. He was a really good guy and after awhile I could start picturing us with kids. Once I had my first, I was hooked. I regret ever thinking that I didn't want kids. But he wanted them sooooo badly and to see what he has done to them now just makes me sick.


He may have genuinely thought at one point that this is who he was. But the actual having of kids probably didn't turn out to be what he expected, and he's trying to regain his old life back. It's equally possible that he was manipulating you all along. You've now had your eyes opened to the fact that he is the manipulating type.

I also think that while he may have wholeheartedly wanted kids, he also didn't realize how much work they were. Once he had you doing the majority of the work, he discovered there wasn't enough time left in your day to be his lover like you were before. So he went and found a replacement, and his life was all rosy to him because he had his kids, he had a nanny (you) to look after them, and he had a lover. His current indecision is due to him trying to figure out how to stop all that from collapsing around him. The longer he can convince you to postpone separating from him, the longer he can keep all his plates spinning.

He doesn't want to reconcile with you. He just can't figure out how to put you back in the nanny box where you didn't know about the lover.



Corgigirl said:


> So if I did get a lawyer, that would cost me a pretty penny.


Not getting a lawyer will cost you a lot more in the long run.



Corgigirl said:


> I don't have much money -which may sound odd coming from an actuary, but my husband handles all the finances (he is an accountant). He pays the bills and does all of the investing. I don't have my own checking account or credit cards. And we have a lot of credit card debt. I've already figured out that I could support myself on my own - my salary is nice and at least that is one thing I have going for me. But how can I afford a laywer.


Lawyers get expensive when you let them do all the work, or if you spend hours crying in their office. Do your research on divorce law, and only see the lawyer for necessary stuff. See a therapist about your emotions, and only deal with facts with your lawyer. Keep the reins tight and the money won't go running away.

Also, you've already decided to split up, haven't you? Open your own bank account, have your paycheck deposited into it, get your own credit card, etc.



Corgigirl said:


> And how could I get one without my husband knowing?


What's the need for secrecy? You already told him your mind was made up. By getting a lawyer, you demonstrate that you are serious, and maybe it will spur him to accept your decision instead of ignoring it and trying to continue to have you accept his affair.



Corgigirl said:


> He keesp saying that if we decide to split (and by that he means if he decides for us that we will split), we can do it without lawyers. We will just split everything and figure out the kid situation. Now, he also mentions that this won't be a typical situation as he travels a lot for work and has activities so I would have to be flexible.


He wants to do it without lawyers so he can keep manipulating you by keeping you in the dark about what is legally fair. He is likely hiding money, or doesn't want you to find out how much he has already spent on his lover, and without lawyers involved, you have to trust his word on how much money there is. And guess who's not trustworthy! As for kids' care, why do you have to be the flexible one? Even in divorce, his needs will supersede yours? He still wants you in the nanny box.



Corgigirl said:


> I don't know why he has such a handle on me. We have been together since we were kids - maybe that is why. Hes always taken care of everything. And I know I sound like a big baby and I know I have to buck up and take care of myself. And I know that I will be better for it in the long run, and so will my kids. But it is just so hard.


You don't sound like a baby. You sound like a woman who has never been truly self-reliant, that's all. It only seems hard because you haven't tried it yet. Fear of the unknown is one of the strongest, but if you can be on your own while he's on a 'business trip' you can do it for longer periods. However, being in control of your own life is a wonderful feeling and right now, you don't have any of that.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Basically, don't wait or settle for being number two.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

DO NOT pass on a lawyer for the sake of money. Your are married to a manipulator - he's chomping at the bit to set the terms and make them seem reasonable - but they won't be at all. 

Make appointments to see two or three lawyers - don't be frugal - go for the sharks. Look up lawyer referral services in your area and read recommendations from others on those sites. 

When you call for appointments ask if there is a free initial consultation. Many lawyers offer the first hour or half hour for free. Make use of that. It doesn't matter if your husband knows. In fact let him find out when he sees the credit card charges. 

Don't play games with your husband, in other words don't tell him what your plans are - hit him with the divorce papers as a surprise. 

Keep a voice activated recorder (VAR) on you at all times. It's likely he'll try to brow-beat you once he is served.

Learn and practice the 180 for your own benefit - if you don't know the principles click on the link in my sig line. 

Keep your chin up. From this moment on its you and your kids only.


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## Corgigirl (Aug 12, 2013)

That's what I'm afraid of - its just me and my kids. I need someone to talk to, someone who will listen, someone who I can't wait to tell things to at the end of the day. I have some very good friends - but they are all at very big moments in their lives (marriage, babies) and I feel like I'll just be Debbie-Downer. In fact, I've only told one friend (my best friend) who is also 7 months pregnant. She has been extremely supportive and helpful but the truth is, she has a busy life and I feel horrible burdening her with my problems.

I got pulled over today for talking on my cell phone. The last week has been a disaster and I was trying to take my kids to the daffodil festival so we could enjoy some fun time together. I got lost and called my Dad so he could give me directions. Police officer saw me and pulled me right over. I just felt like breaking down and telling him, "perfect, this is just how my life is going right now". But that probably wouldn't have been a good thing to do. He ended up letting me off with a written warning. But I couldn't help myself - the first person I dialed was my husband. He was nice about it and asked if I was okay and told me not to worry about it. But I felt so weak that I called him. He was the one I reached out to...without even thinking about it. But when I stop and think about it, there is nobody else who would care if I got pulled over. Nobody to calm me down and tell me it was okay and that I was lucky I only got a warning. I want that. I need that. How do you live without that?


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Hi Corgigirl,
So sorry you are going through all of this. It is really a horrible place to be. You must understand that the reason you are feeling awful and he is going about his business is because you have not put him in a place that makes him fee like he has lost control. You need to let him know that you want to be happy and live an awesome life. That you want to experience what he is experiencing with these other relationships he has been having, so you need to tell him that you feel that you need your freedom to experiment. Let him know that you only think it is fair, and stop asking him if he is in contact with the OW.

The second you turn the tables around, you will see he will become obsessed with letting you call the shots.

Try it, you will see.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Corgi, that connection to our spouse is a vital need in a marriage...and I am sure it is such a change in paradigm, having that cut off from you...especially when your husband was always the person you thought you could count on the most...someone who could administer support and wisdom when you needed it.

What you describe are the very reasons why many spouses just want to sweep it all under the carpet and enter into denial...just so things can go back the way they were. ESPECIALLY when you have children involved.

Standing your ground is going to be the toughest thing you ever did, but you are capable...and this experience will make you wiser, stronger, and confident...as long as you shake off the blame for his cheating and take care of business. One day at a time...one minutes at a time, on second at a time. Do not feed into your fears that would have you buckle and give into getting second-best leftovers. Demand better treatment, even from yourself...hold your head up high and realize his gutter behavior of lies and cheating is BENEATH YOU...it is unacceptable in your marriage.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Corgigirl said:


> That's what I'm afraid of - its just me and my kids. I need someone to talk to, someone who will listen, someone who I can't wait to tell things to at the end of the day. I have some very good friends - but they are all at very big moments in their lives (marriage, babies) and I feel like I'll just be Debbie-Downer. In fact, I've only told one friend (my best friend) who is also 7 months pregnant. She has been extremely supportive and helpful but the truth is, she has a busy life and I feel horrible burdening her with my problems.
> 
> I got pulled over today for talking on my cell phone. The last week has been a disaster and I was trying to take my kids to the daffodil festival so we could enjoy some fun time together. I got lost and called my Dad so he could give me directions. Police officer saw me and pulled me right over. I just felt like breaking down and telling him, "perfect, this is just how my life is going right now". But that probably wouldn't have been a good thing to do. He ended up letting me off with a written warning. But I couldn't help myself - the first person I dialed was my husband. He was nice about it and asked if I was okay and told me not to worry about it. But I felt so weak that I called him. He was the one I reached out to...without even thinking about it. But when I stop and think about it, there is nobody else who would care if I got pulled over. Nobody to calm me down and tell me it was okay and that I was lucky I only got a warning. I want that. I need that. How do you live without that?


You can have that again if you R or D. Rather its with your husband again or with someone new. This isn't the end for you.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Hey Corgigirl

What I can tell you is the following, which relates to you..

I did minimal house cleaning.. I did throw out the garbage and move furniture around. But I didn't do laundry, I didn't really cook or wash the floors. ETC... I was lacking in those departments.

I would help my sons with homework when needed. Help them do the science projects.. 

Dinner wise my Ex cooked 3 to 4 times a week the rest was ordering out stuff.

I used to pay the bills, but then she took them over because I would get too stressed out over it. In my defense we had 2 vacant apartments at the time in my 3 family home and not rent was hurting our pockets. 

Once we got 2 tenants in we were fine and she took over. 

So when she was leaving, I was *FREAKING OUT* over paying the bills. I actually said how am going to do this *( meaning paying the bills )*.. 

Do you see how insane and retarded this sh1t makes you ? 

I have been paying the bills in this home since I was 20 before I met my ex wife.. When I met her I took care of EVERYTHING... The minute l gave up this stuff I couldn't phantom how to deal with it anymore.. 

Crying over not paying the bills, but how I was going to do it ? Like I forgot how to write a check.... *It's utterly insane..*.

About the cop thing.. Honestly I would have told him about my wife and just expressed how upset I was.. Again just me venting.. Personally I really don't care who knows.. I don't care what people think or how weak it might make me look.. 

In the end I come out on top.. I admit how crazy it made me.. I look back and go wow this sh1t does make you nuts.. It does give you a sort of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.. 

Even today I am still shell shocked and untrusting... I don't pull any punches from anyone I might date.. I tell them directly.. THIS IS WHAT I NEED FROM YOU... Bam.. Me and the current girlfriend still fight sometimes..80% of the time its me being crazy.. But she has her own issues. I think anyone you meet in their 30s and above who are still single will probably have some sort of issues.. Just need to see if they are the issues you can live with.

Cos, I would go to therapy twice a week.. Like on a Monday and Thursday so you are not so alone during the week and especially have a place to vent after what will feel like Excruciating / Hellish long weekends. 

Personally I have a 82 year old mom that helps me out, she will make lunch and cook for the boys if needed and washes the clothes. Trust me I try to do it myself but she insists and she is the type of woman that needs to feel needed even at 82... 

Part of her was sad but also excited that now she has me all to herself and as well as my older brother who went through similar issues. 

Unfortunately for her I like woman to much and enjoy their company, so I am not looking to be alone for the rest of my life.. 

My mom is old school and feels I should either wait 3 years to date incase my Ex wants to come back or I should spend the rest of my life raising my kids single.. Like she did.. Sorry not gonna happen.. 


I was fortunate in the sense my EX was heartless. She showed me her real ****ty side *( will post more about this and new recent incident in my own thread, the link is in my signature )* so it was eventually enough for me to toughen up and act like an adult man.. But not before I dealt with my own sh1t similar to yours. 

So you know financially divorce in these 50 states is pretty much a business transaction.. Everything is split 50/50 excluding things that would be of benefit to the kids.. Example, the house. The courts will not toss you and the kids out of the house and make you sell it if you can prove that selling investments would allow you to pay off a large part of the mortgage and help you keep the home with your income and child support.. 

Trust me he KNOWS this stuff. He knows things will NOT go well for him in court.. 

My situation was this.. 

I put my ex wife through school while dating and engaged to be married. I paid for everything for her during those times. School Books, Clothing, Hair cuts, ETC.. 

We refinanced the home with an original mortgage of 35k for 200k to fix it up and consolidate some debt when I first child was born.. We took out another 85 equity loan and I had about 40k Pension loan and finally about 20k credit card debt.. 

At the end of the day she owed me about 140k for her part of the debt.. 

We only owned 1 percent of the home, my mom owned 99 percent. This was BIG for me since the home is just about a 1 million dollar home. 

Work wise she made the same money I did ( she wasn't a cop)..

So all said and done..

I would owe her half my pension for 14 years together.. She would owe me half her money from working up until 65 at 40 hours a week. 

Nonetheless, she didn't get it. But I explained to her that she would be paying me the 140k of debt much longer than I would be paying her child support.. 

At most when I retired I would have to give her 300 to 400 a month from my pension. But she had nothing to get rid of this debt from her side.. The best they could do is give up my pension money as child support CANNOT BE TOUCHED. Granted I could give her 2k in child support and she could give me a 2k check right back, but I MUST pay her child support.. 

This was divorce in a nutshell. 

What I didn't take into account was that my oldest son would have his own coups d'état and decide he didn't want to go with his mother.. Then my 9 year old sort of went the same way only wanting to be with her 2 days a week. 

Mind you I was the disciplinarian in this relationship. I doled out the punishments when needed.. She was very loving mom to her kids.. I will give her that if anything.. 

End result those thing change stuff so much.. 

Today my boys are with me and my ex walked away with 55k from a 401k that I put extra money away for my kids college.. 

That is it... 

Today me and my 9 year old have a pickup line.. I kid around with him that he will walk over to a woman I point at and tell them can you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, because my daddy keeps burning it..

Look I know when my mom can't do it anymore I will have to. I take her offer graciously and thank her every day. We can fight sometimes but she still helps me out regardlessly. My brother is there as well and he does what he can as well.

As far as your husband telling you he will need flexible visitation with the kids.. That is a bunch of horsesh1t.. You think the courts will entertain that type of nonsense ? The courts have heard every excuse under the sun from parent who don't want to or have the time to be with their kids.. They are like doctors with bad bedside manners. They have heard every excuse that they become numb to it, even to the point that your husband might be telling the truth but they just don't want to hear it. 

Basically they will tell him and you its every other weekend and Wednesday. You two can decide if it needs to change but that whomever needs to give a week in advance notice in writing.

He will not be able to pop in and out like he wants, *unless you let him*. My Ex tried to do that a few times with me. I set her straight right away.. I always start out with, Welcome to being Divorced, I hope it's everything you wanted it to be.

Divorce is an *unwanted* business partnership for the rest of your lives.. 

Before all of this. I was looking at 5000 to 6000 square feet homes with theater rooms in them for 300k.. I would have banked 400k from the sale of my current home.. My current home is absolutely nothing near that. People would laugh and scoff at the price of my home for it's size.. 

Today I am stuck in New York.. My oldest would leave but I can't because of my youngest is too attached to his mother atm, further it would be too much of a fight for me to leave NYC. So I am stuck here and looking to make the best of it. 

Fortunately for you, you are a woman.. Again take it from me being a guy.. 

I am far, far from a fashion model. But I am streetwise enough to know a few things. Just like men check out women. Women do the same to men. When I was married I dressed like a slob because I didn't need to impress anyone. Today I make sure I look good when I go out. I notice who is looking. For me if I get 2 women interested in me when I go out its a win.. 

I know for woman its 100x more.. When I go grocery shopping with the G.F. I stand back sometimes to see who comes up to her or makes a comment. I'm a bit voyeur that way, its a turn on. 

But conversely I am a hypocrite in the sense I don't like it when she is alone and she tells me about the men that hit on her. It drives me nuts. I also think she does it to keep me in check as well. 

Are there broken people out here ? Yes, absolutely.. There are people that gone through what we are going through but just didn't do anything about it. They come to TAM, they didn't speak to anyone.. They didn't seek professional help.. They continue to move through life completely broken, bitter and cynical.. My brother is that type of person.. Sadly it seems like he is waiting around to die.. 

Not me.. 

But once you get that and understand that. For a woman the world is your Oyster. Look this guy looked at my Ex as a meal ticket.. He looked at me as a meal ticket.. He thought she would rake me over the coals and I would be paying their rent.. None of this worked out for them as expected and it is only going to get worse.. 

Trust me your husband is on the losing end of this deal.. He knows it..

For me as a man it took dating other women to see it wasn't the end of the world. For me it was convincing some woman on the internet I was an okay guy to meet in a public place.. My friend rich said it the best.. He said *"if you can convince some stranger over the internet to meet you, then you will have no problem meeting and talking to someone in person."*.

He was right..

He wants to know what you need. Tell him you want to look over all the investments and bank accounts.. 

Run your credit report, you can do it for free once a year.. You want to see what accounts the both of you have open.. What accounts he has.. What money is he trying to stash away.. You want to see that you had 100k in an investment and now its only 50k, because he has 50k sitting in a safety deposit box somewhere.

Run both your credit reports.. Your married, nothing criminal about doing that.. 

Its all about the money atm, plain and simple.. Visitation is visitation. But make sure you get your fair share..

Today I have more money than when we were together, I don't have to pay for her 275 hair cuts anymore.. I don't have to pay her QVC bills. Her expensive clothing bill, Heck not even her hotel bills. 

We were tight but then I noticed once the rent roll came in we were good.. We literally could have saved 1k a month.. She used the money as her own personal piggy bank.. She would buy 200 dollar pieces of jewelry twice a month from QVC at times or from local jewelry stores.. I was shocked myself to be honest.. I had my head buried deep into the ground with this.

Plus your spouse will have to pay for your lawyer so you know if he makes more money than you or possibly a portion of it.. 

Again trust me on this stuff.. In the beginning I was told I would have to put down a 10k to 15k retainer for my Ex wife lawyer.. The whole divorce cost me 7k because we settled out of court.. She wanted the 55k and she knew she wouldn't get it if we went to court.. I was giving more than she deserved and she knew it.. 

That was my plan to bait her and it worked.. I originally gave her 45k and then I offered her another 10k to keep my older son with me. I knew well that my youngest wouldn't want to leave when he discovered my oldest wasn't leaving.. My ex wasn't thinking that.. 

I was playing chess and she was playing checkers in this game of life.. 

These are the games you need to play right now.. 

12 months from now you will come back and hopefully see how silly you were for being so worried.. I sure do.. 

Again I still have issues and still go to therapy.. But I don't define myself by my relationships anymore.. I have discovered I am fine alone and I just choose to be with someone.. 

Keep posting


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Great post by HardtoHandle.

Do the 180 on your husband to detach from him. If he gets on his knees and begs, you can consider R, but by no means count anything from him.

The negotiation for sex is sad. Basically he is acknowledging that he is high on his affair relationship sex and wants to be high on the reconciliation relationship sex. I would tell him that a good sex life is a marital right and it is nothing you would barter for security. Some couple experience hysterical bonding. You might. No guarantee if he doesn't excite your passion.


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## Corgigirl (Aug 12, 2013)

Is it really horrible that I want to have sex with my husband right now? I miss him. I want to run to him and be with him. But I know I can't. So I just keep jogging - gets all my energy out and makes me feel better. I don't feel much like doing anything else. Just jogging and sleeping. And snuggling with my kids of course. I feel restless at work. I am in a management position - I run a book of business - I need to be on my game. And I know I'm off. My marriage is falling apart - I don't want my career to follow. 

Thank you all for listening. And thank you all for your posts. I feel less alone and hearing your stories and advice helps me through these nights when I am here all alone. Deep down I know I am strong enough to deal with this. But I second guess myself every minute of the day. I fear growing old alone. But then I remember, I will never be alone because I have my boys. But eventually I'm sure I will want more than that. I want love. I want to be needed and wanted and relied upon. And I really want that from the boy that I met when I was 16 years old. And it really sucks that after 16 years, he decides that really isn't what he wants anymore.

I really never thought of myself as divorced (who does). Like, I'll have to check off the "divorced" box when it asks for marital status on any forms I happen to be filling out. That is so just weird to me. But as HardtoHandle said, we shouldn't be defined by our relationships. So I shouldn't think of myself as a wronged wife or a future divorcee. I should think of myself as a great mother, a dedicated actuary, a dog-lover, and a reality tv show junkie (don't judge). This is great advice and I will definitely try to start thinking about things differently.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

When I discovered my wive's EA after she inexplicably demanded separation...it totally flipped my world on its side. I remember having to go to work and wondering how in the heck was I going to even function. Some days I didn't function well at all.

In the book, "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" the authors explain the traumatic injury we receive when we learn our spouse is cheating. Many people develop some degree of generalized anxiety...just scared to pieces...and desire safety and security. You husband was your security...or you at least believed he was. Wanting to run to him and seal the deal with sex is a very natural response. It is also a survival response...and the last thing you should do. Guess what? I did. Didn't help in the least bit. We had sex...and then she kicked me out. Haha.

You are going to be riding the extreme rollercoaster of emotions right now...from anger to hopelessness. This is another reason to separate yourself from wayward husband...as he is on his own emotional carousel and confusion. Not healthy for your stability to get sucked in his push/pull game.

My marriage was saved from divorce, but it took me having to set very hard boundaries and gaining enough self-respect to recognize that I was not being treated how I ought to be treated...and I demanded more. When her life fell apart and I wasn't there to wipe her bottom...the grass on the other side began to look brown, no longer green. There is hope on the other side (no matter what happens!)...but you must go through this dark season first. Just stay determined to not succumb to your fears that lead to compromise...and then be thankful for all of the wisdom you will gain from this.

It was my motto to be thankful through this...and it kept me from being bitter and emotionally scarred...and helped me get to a place where I could soberly (eyes unclouded) reconcile with my wife. Then I got cancer...hey! That's life!


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## Corgigirl (Aug 12, 2013)

Oh no! I hate that you got cancer. Life just loves to throw us curve balls. Glad to hear a story of reconciliation though.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

checking in on you.
how are you holding up?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Corgigirl

You are getting some good advice. Especially from HTH who has lived through this recently.

SO buck up.

Your husband is a fool. Worse than that, he is a very selfish fool.

You need to get some legal advice from a good attorney. The 1st consultation is usually free.

Make a plan. Then act on it.

You cannot reconcile your marriage with your Husband while he still has contact with the OW let alone engaged in the affair.

It just will be a waste of your time.

I firmly believe in serving a wayward spouse with divorce papers to shock them, to anger them.

*To take control away from them....*

You need to act. But with serious thought and a plan behind it.

You can always call off a divorce if he is remorseful and has truly ended the affair. It rarely happens on the first try so be aware of it.

So be tough. Because you have two boys, two dogs and yourself to take care of.

And stop listening to your wayward husband about your issues. His issues are lying and cheating. So why believe a word he says.

Use your parents for assistance if they are willing to help.

What state are you in?

HM


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