# 3 months into separation - need a male perspective



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

Hi Guys,

My husband and I split up about 3-4 months ago. I am devastated. My main reason for posting in the male section is I want to know what you guys are thinking and doing at this stage in a break up. 

I am home with our daughter who he only has 1 overnight each weekend and I know he's now going out all the time and goes to the gym every day and to me (whilst I am stuck at home with child) he seems to be having a fantastic time in his new life. 

Do you guys think about your exes and are you just keeping busy to help yourself get over things or is he just really callous and seemingly unfeeling toward me and our daughter. We used to be so close, constant contact via messages and phone calls and now when I text him he doesn't even respond. In the first 2 months he would always respond and let me know how he was feeling even it was anger or hate toward me, but now its nothing and it hurts more than his hateful words.

Has he well and truly moved on (he's on dating websites etc) and doesn't think and care about me anymore...or what? I'm so confused. Not less than 10 days ago he sent me a text asking me what I would do if he said he wanted to come back....

Please guys, if any of you can respond as to your mindset and feelings if you were in this position ever it would be appreciated. I know its probably easier to move on and get on with my life not knowing what he thinks and feels, but I would at least like to know if he has some semblence of humanity in him and has a little bit of feeling toward me after 6 years of marriage and a child.....perhaps I'm ever hopeful....


Thank you


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, my wife and I seperated for a month before things went better, during that month we had no plans for reconciliation until it became apparent that she still had feelings for me. My feelings however were in lockdown and I didn't feel anything for her until she softened up my heart. My wife did take a very big risk however.

I did miss her, I just didn't acknowledge the emotion, I couldn't. And of course I gave her the impression that I'm having a fantastic time being 'single' again, who wants to let their spouse who hurt them know that they are in fact miserable behind closed doors?

And yes I did think about my wife but I kept myself busy so I wouldn't have to think about her. At that point I thought there's no going back so I went full throttle towards divorce until my wife stopped me. 

BTW though:


> Not less than 10 days ago he sent me a text asking me what I would do if he said he wanted to come back....


Dead giveaway, he's thinking about you alright. I spent a few nights thinking about sending such a message but meh, I was too proud to admit that she was still in my thoughts.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Depends

Why did you two seperate?


----------



## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

when I separated from my wife I was still deeply in love with her. I just couldn't stay in that emotionally abusive relationship any longer.

The alone time was crucial for me to think about what was important to me. I basically needed to see if I was the one that was broken or not. To see if "I" was the problem. I had to force myself to be confident and that I was still an attractive man. That I could still find a good woman again if I needed to. Yes I visited dating websites to mostly see what was out there so that if I needed to bail I would know what I was up for.... not so much that I was looking for an immediate date. I had to convince and remind myself that I was a great catch and that I still "had it". I had a few single women in my new apartment complex taking immediate notice in me. This was a huge confidence booster. 
I tried hard to block her out of my mind... but yes I secretly hoped she would beg me to come back. She did and I came back but now I have more control. She knows now that I will absolutely not put up with the high level of emotional abuse she dished out for so many years.... and that I won't think twice about leaving again. I had a uniquely broken marriage that was weird and your relationship is probably different but I know now that it wasn't me that was breaking our relationship... that it was all her. I feel very confident in saying that. Because now I know.

Think about it this way.. .if he truly didn't love you any more he'd have filed for divorce by now and would be permanently gone and on his way to having another woman in his arms.
When he sent you that text.. he was truly wanting to know if you were worthy of him coming back. To see if things would be the same or not. He want's to know if you're capable of change. So don't take that text lightly. 
You have to decide if he's the type of husband you want and need. If he's not then quit wasting his time. If he is then think back to what may have attracted him to you in the first place enough for him to propose to you and ask you to be his wife and go be that girl again.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

dodgeviper said:


> . . .Not less than 10 days ago he sent me a text asking me what I would do if he said he wanted to come back . . . .


So how’d that go, your response and his reply? 

What, in no more than a paragraph, of no more than ten sentences that are no more than ten words long (i.e., get past the emotions and boil it down to the key elements) would it take in your mind (on both sides because it is a 50/50 deal) to make it work going forward?



dodgeviper said:


> . . . . but I would at least like to know if he has some semblence of humanity in him and has a little bit of feeling toward me after 6 years of marriage and a child.....perhaps I'm ever hopeful . . . .


You married him and lived with him for 6-years, he fathered your child – I’d try to reign in the emotions and deal with this pragmatically. I’ve watched several colleagues with young families split – where, in the end, you look at what came of it all and think if the both of them would have just sat down and really, really contemplated the long term implications and ramifications of what they were doing, realizing that no marriage is perfect . . . . they’d have worked themselves past what ever the problems were.

I mean, I see no indication from you there was a “deal killer” element here e.g., drug/alcohol, abuse, lying, cheating, stealing, refusal to hold a job and make familial obligations.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's impossible to tell, I think. If he's got a profile on dating sites, that's not a guy who's ready to move back into the home, unless he either a) has decided he can't do better, or b) figures he can "double dip", and have you and see other people as well. As far as his text goes, again it's impossible to tell... He could be regretting his decision and realize he made a mistake because he loves you, he might have found out he can't afford to be out on his own, or he might again figure he can have the best of both worlds.

As others have asked... Why did he move out?

C


----------



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

SpinDaddy said:


> So how’d that go, your response and his reply?
> 
> 
> What, in no more than a paragraph, of no more than ten sentences that are no more than ten words long (i.e., get past the emotions and boil it down to the key elements) would it take in your mind (on both sides because it is a 50/50 deal) to make it work going forward?
> ...


my response to his text was "well you haven't asked to come back so it's a moot point"

i also wish we would have sat down and worked on things instead of going through this, this is 1000 times worse than our marriage ever was.


----------



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

why did we separate......its a long story and nearly 4 months of hindsight i've realised alot of the role I played in the demise of our marriage.

1. he is a very needy person ( has depression) and as time went on, i think i found this a lot to deal with as i'm a very independent, happy go lucky person who likes to catch up with friends and get out and about doing things and when i wanted to do those things he would get all sad and morose and tell me he didn't mind, but i could tell he did, so eventually i didn't do many of those things and it became just us most of the time. since leaving he has said he's happier now that he has friends and family around him and these were all things i encouraged in our marriage but he only ever wanted to be with me. so whilst he lost himself in me, that became one of the reasons he left in the end

2. he's deeply involved in his work and technology (iphones, ipads, computers, you name it he has it). living with him was like living with him having another woman and paying them attention instead of giving his attention to me and our daughter. this was a constant bone of contention during our marriage. we'd be out for dinner and he'd be sitting playing on his phone, with friends he'd be on his phone, at home he'd be on his computer, on holidays it was the ipad....it was just ALL the time and our main fight during our marriage was for him to just stop it and participate in our marriage.

3. we had a child - i think because of his neediness the attention that having a child took away from him (ie i gave her the attention i was once giving him) was too much for him. 

4. when our daughter was 18 months old i started university part time. so having a child to care for and doing university meant more time was lost on him. i did try my best to give him attention, but it never seemed enough and i could feel him pulling away. 1 year after i started uni he started an emotional online affair via twitter. a clear indication he wasn't getting enough attention at home. when i found out about this it had been going on for about 5 months. he got really angry, denied he was doing anything but after peeling layer upon layer of lies out of him i found out he had met her at the gym, had started chatting online, emailing and developed into phone calls. to this day he doesn't see it as cheating and that cuts me to the bone that he won't even acknowledge that it was and the impact it had on me. 

5. after the emotional affair, i lost all respect for him. i started snapping at him and we started fighting more (he doesn't deal well with conflict) and I suppose things just too much for him and since he has told me has hasn't been happy for a while and "emotionally left the marriage a year or so ago".....

6. we had a very happy family holiday in bali in september 2012 and a week after we got back he was distant off on his own, would leave a room when i walked in, wouldn't talk etc etc so i told him things need to change or there's no point going on. i had had enough and his response was an obvious indication that he'd had enough too. i asked him "do you want to be here" and his reply was "no", so i asked him to leave. since the day he left, we have NEVER sat down and had a conversation, its all be done via email, skype chat or sms. very sad state of affairs indeed.

7. as for wanting him back - if he hadn't of done some very hideous nasty things to me in the last 3 months i would have him back in an instant. what he's done to me in the last 3 months and him not even having the guts or decency to sit with me to talk about things and work through any issues we've both had means i know i deserve better and i'd never have him back.

not having him back, doesn't mean that i still need to know if he thinks about me, but having listed all the above points, he moved on emotionally long ago, so him being on a dating site 3 months after leaving he's probably really ready to meet someone new, or because of his neediness NEEDS to meet someone so that innate need to be loved 24/7 is being met.

my role in the demise of our marriage - i spoke my mind and told him when i was unhappy. i was independent with friends family and university. i suppose i didn't make him feel like a good person or good about himself by not meeting his needs emotionally. i put alot of attention toward our daughter (not that i would ever change that) but it may have been to the detriment of my marriage. i also did alot to encourage him in life, get him outside of the marriage with activities, friends, outings etc. he was a good husband always helped around the house and with our daughter and was generous to a fault. he has admitted he never communicated enough so that was nice to hear. i was a good wife (or so I thought) and on the whole I was happy, it wasn't a perfect marriage but it was enough for me and its sad to know it wasn't enough for him and i don't know if thats because of me or him.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Interesting, seems like he has some growing up to do. He's thinking about you yes, but he could also be getting desperate. You're handling it correctly, don't take him back unless things change.

My wife and I have been reconciling but we're not ready to move back together and it doesn't look like he is even if you two do want it. However he did have an emotional affair and you have the right to snap, what's going on with that? Is he repentant?


----------



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

he doesn't want me back as much as i don't want him back. things that have been done and said in the last 3 months have ruined any chance of reconcilliation.......police, violence, lies, deceit, involving my family and friends, forwarding text messages to people, denying things that we said and done in the marriage, false accusations, logging into my computer, checking up on me the list is endless. 

as for the emotional affair, is/was he repentent - no NEVER. he has said sorry, but i don't believe he thinks he did anything wrong so the sorry is worthless.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm in that case, then him asking you what you would do if you took him back is a sign that he's starting to realise what he's lost but it doesn't look like he has the capacity to even want to fix things. Let him suffer in my opinion, guess karma is hitting him.

His behaviour is not good enough I'm afraid. My wife out of her own initiative took up counselling for herself, was very cooperative and transparent and was dead serious about giving us one last chance before our marriage sank into the whirlpool. Even then we're not moving back together but we're working on it.

Comparing this to your husband, he's not even repentant of his emotional affair? Forget it. Walk, don't waste your time on this. I'm sorry but when one won't even take responsibility for one's EA there's no hope for reconciliation past it unless the betrayed spouse is a doormat - which thankfully you don't seem like one. This in addition to his other issues, violence in particular, lies...

Hell my wife and I have been fully transparent yet we're struggling to fix things. How does he expect to have you back when he's acting like this and refusing to be honest and to take responsibility for his own failings? You're dealing with a kid it seems.


----------



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

thanks so much random dude for your opinion. i feel like i am dealing with a child even throughout the marriage it felt like that. look i'm no innocent party and i've taken on board my role in what has happened. i am seeing a psychologist as well, so that in future i never have to experience anything like this ever again. 

your opinion matters to me, from an outsiders perspective if you can see what i can see it means alot. all he seems to do is chuck everything back in my face like "how can things be fixed if you don't acknowledge anything you did" and "i was going to come home until you said this or that or did this or that" he always says things after the fact which to me means ****. 

i am not a doormat and perhaps that is why he left, he couldn't handle that i didn't fall for his ****, or let him or us wallow in self pity and i didn't let him have it over me anymore. he's an avid gym goer and in the last 3 months he told me he has decided to stop going to to gym because he's too sad and drained and needs a rest and i knew he would never give up going to the gym, he used to go when he was on deaths door sick etc, and a friend of mine rang me to told me he joined a new gym (the one where he met his EA).....and was going on a regular basis. so his manipulations even whilst separated continued.

for 6 years he told me his mother physically abused him as a child, we had counselling for it, we became estranged from his family because of this (at his instigation) he wished her dead and after he left, he told me that I fabricated the whole thing and that it never happened....unreal.....the more i type into this forum the angrier i get at his lies and deceit that i don't even care if he thinks about me anymore....you are right random dude his behaviour isn't good enough.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You're welcome, and it looks like he's betrayed your trust multiple times, consistently refusing to take responsibility as a man. I admire you actually, you stood your ground and you have backbone. You're sensitive to his plight but you know when to call it BS like now. You're in a much better position then many others in my opinion.

I do hope the best for you, and quite frankly, women like you, hell you can do so much better. Move on. Maybe in 2 yrs time he'll grow up but I wouldn't count on it or wait for it. It's frankly pathetic what he's doing.


----------



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

thanks random dude, and i'm hot LOL take care of myself, my looks, keep fit, how i dress etc etc I never let myself go. he had it pretty good....his loss.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh I guess that's why I always believe in having strict standards in relationships, you have to protect yourself as well so you don't end up wasting time on losers like your soon to be ex.

He had a good thing but doesn't have a clue how to handle it or to save it.


----------



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

i don't think he has a realistic view of relationships to be honest. he had love lots of it and it wasn't enough.


----------



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

so found out today, that he's moving into a 3BR house with his soon to be new live in girlfriend. not less than 4 months after leaving me and his 3 and a half year old little girl.

what a complete *******, who does that! 

guess what he also did, yesterday he logged into my telephone accounts - went over all the numbers that i use on a regular basis and contacted them, then sent me a message asking who dave was (he's a friend who i've been chatting to since xmas...)he also stalked me online and made up some very convenient excuses as to how he found me online on that particular website.

WTF


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

My wife left me, then I found out 4 days later she had an affair. This is why she left. I immediately went into single guy mode and starting hitting on women like crazy. I did NOT do much thinking of my wife at all. I was fully in "moving on" mode. This drove my wife nuts and she came back and we are reconciling.

He's moving on, enjoying himself. It's also possible, if he wants you back, he is doing this to make you jealous. Seems to be working.


----------



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

i'm not jealous. i'm furious. i feel like he's opted out of all responsibility left me with a house, child, a dog, 2 fish and no family in our city and he's off having this wonderful new life with a new woman with not a care in the world. jealous - she can have him. i'm just furious that he thinks what he's done and is doing is acceptable. not sure what kind of man does this, it certainly wasn't the man i married or was in love with. thats the HARDEST thing to deal with, that someone you loved and supposedly loved you can move on "enjoying himself" as you say so quickly without an ounce of compassion or regret. its just wrong and beyond my comprehension.

i know it happens though, he certainly isn't the only person in the world doing it.

selfish - yes.
needy - yes
disgusting - absolutely


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I think it's best that you start moving on, which also means letting go of this anger. Personally I just let the anger sink in until I can't feel anything anymore but utter disgust at the thought of that person - which leads me to indifference, and then I know that they no longer have that power over me anymore, they are nothing but a story to tell from time to time.


----------



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

hi randomdude. i agree about moving on. i certainly harboured no desire to get back together (it owuld have been nice if he asked) but i'd never have taken him back.

even today though - i get messages like these "why can't you accept we are better apart" and I reply with are you kidding me don't flatter yourself, my feelings for you are absolute disgust. or this one "you have no idea how hard it is having 1 room to live in, one shelf for food and fridge with hardly room for 1 person"....then he says "he got off lightly"....and i'm like yes you certainly did, i should have kicked you out a year ago and not looked back.

he still wants and needs my attention. wants me to be nice to him, or feel sorry for him.

i think he's moved on in a physical sense but certainly not emotionally.

i feel absolute disgust for this man and you are right randomdude it's making me indifferent toward him which is a good thing. i am sure the anger will go away eventually.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dodgeviper said:


> hi randomdude. i agree about moving on. i certainly harboured no desire to get back together (it owuld have been nice if he asked) but i'd never have taken him back.
> 
> even today though - i get messages like these "why can't you accept we are better apart" and I reply with are you kidding me don't flatter yourself, my feelings for you are absolute disgust. or this one "you have no idea how hard it is having 1 room to live in, one shelf for food and fridge with hardly room for 1 person"....then he says "he got off lightly"....and i'm like yes you certainly did, i should have kicked you out a year ago and not looked back.
> 
> ...


You have come a long way so far. It's time for the next step. Interact with him according to the 180 (see the link below). Stop responding to his texts, emails etc except for things that are very important or necessary things about your child. Do not reply to txts and emails immediately. Give yourself time to calm down. Then reply in as few words and as business like as you can.

And do not answer the phone when he calls you. Only correspond via txt and email. You can even tell him that this is how you will communicate with him from here on out.

This is so that you start to completely separate yourself from him.

Make sure that you change your password to any accounts he has access to. Take him off every account that you can. If you cannot take him off an account, close it and open a new one in your name.

Get to an attorney file for divorce. Like you said he's getting off way too easy. He probably owes you child support and maybe even spousal support depending on your incomes.

Use that anger as a tool to get you moving in the right direction.


----------



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

thanks elegirl. i'm trying but i admit it is hard. everything that could happen has happened and its devastating to say the least. i'll get there.

i have a lawyer, we are going through mediation for custody and lawyers for property settlement. in australia you cant get a divorce until you've been separated for a year. i'm counting the days and will be at his doorstep first thing in the morning on the day it's due!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Another Aussie! Yeah the one year rule kinda sucks

I'm very lucky that my wife has been reasonable and cooperative towards fixing our marriage, because if she wasn't... bah! A full year? BAH!

To be honest if I had the choice again I wouldn't have wanted to get married, all this BS to contend with.


----------



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

lol randomdude. least yours wanted to fix it. 

i probably won't get married again now. someone owuld certainly have to prove to me that they plan to stick around forever. it was my first marriage, i thought marriage was for life and i took that vow very seriously. it was his second marriage...in hindsight i should have known better!

a question randomdude, would you tell the new girl that he's on a dating site? i'm struggling with that one.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Would I tell the new girl that he's on a dating site? What? :scratchhead:
Don't understand the question lol


----------



## dodgeviper (Jan 21, 2013)

i'm not asking YOU to do it. i was asking if you were in my position would you tell the girl? meaning, should I tell her, her soon to be live in love is on a dating site?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I wouldn't even bother, I would just cut him off from my life completely as Elegirl detailed how to do. Which also means I no longer care about his business.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> *Interesting, seems like he has some growing up to do.* He's thinking about you yes, but he could also be getting desperate. You're handling it correctly, don't take him back unless things change.
> 
> My wife and I have been reconciling but we're not ready to move back together and it doesn't look like he is even if you two do want it. However he did have an emotional affair and you have the right to snap, what's going on with that? Is he repentant?


I agree with Random that your guy sounds like everything is supposed to orbit him. Tough love with this guy otherwise you'll enable him to be less than he's needs to be. The second your first child is born (and his) he has to step up because that's what men and women do. They grow up. I don't know. If he comes back it's got to be on terms where he's ready to be a good parent and husband. Otherwise pursue support and let him keep his on line dating service.


----------



## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

uncool said:


> when I separated from my wife I was still deeply in love with her. I just couldn't stay in that emotionally abusive relationship any longer.
> 
> The alone time was crucial for me to think about what was important to me. I basically needed to see if I was the one that was broken or not. To see if "I" was the problem. I had to force myself to be confident and that I was still an attractive man. That I could still find a good woman again if I needed to. Yes I visited dating websites to mostly see what was out there so that if I needed to bail I would know what I was up for.... not so much that I was looking for an immediate date. I had to convince and remind myself that I was a great catch and that I still "had it". I had a few single women in my new apartment complex taking immediate notice in me. This was a huge confidence booster.
> I tried hard to block her out of my mind... but yes I secretly hoped she would beg me to come back. She did and I came back but now I have more control. She knows now that I will absolutely not put up with the high level of emotional abuse she dished out for so many years.... and that I won't think twice about leaving again. I had a uniquely broken marriage that was weird and your relationship is probably different but I know now that it wasn't me that was breaking our relationship... that it was all her. I feel very confident in saying that. Because now I know.
> ...



hey, I am in the same situation as your wife. I think I emotionally abuse my husband alot and I beg him to come back. However, he said he wouldn't be the person to make me happy and he's 100% sure we won't be happy. He seems to make up his mind. He cried during our phone conversation and said he missed me and our life but he didn't love me anymore. He said he had already found lawyer and I will receive the letter soon. We lived in two countries in the past four months and never met each other when the divorce news came out from him. Am I too late to convince him I will change?


----------



## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Im actually pretty sick over my separation (2 months). I am still deeply in love with my wife and quite honestly haven't done much besides throw pity parties. I want her back in the worst way. The crazy thing is that I wouldn't necessarily go back right away though. 

I feel like my wife is dealing with a lot with our 3 boys but I know when she's ready to go out she can and she seems to be moving on without me and it hurts deeply. 

I'd have to say that it's not always about the male/female aspect but more of the position in the situation. Also, my theory is that when two people are in love, a lot of the going out and such is to keep their minds off of the other person or their guilt about their role in the situation. It's not always about fun, but avoidance...


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

dodgeviper said:


> my response to his text was "well you haven't asked to come back so it's a moot point"
> 
> i also wish we would have sat down and worked on things instead of going through this, this is 1000 times worse than our marriage ever was.


Wow! Next time just go to his house with a bucket of cold water and throw it in his face.

No wonder he shut down communication and started hitting dating sites.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

dodgeviper said:


> i'm not jealous. i'm furious. i feel like he's opted out of all responsibility left me with a house, child, a dog, 2 fish and no family in our city and he's off having this wonderful new life with a new woman with not a care in the world. jealous - she can have him. i'm just furious that he thinks what he's done and is doing is acceptable. not sure what kind of man does this, it certainly wasn't the man i married or was in love with. thats the HARDEST thing to deal with, that someone you loved and supposedly loved you can move on "enjoying himself" as you say so quickly without an ounce of compassion or regret. its just wrong and beyond my comprehension.
> 
> i know it happens though, he certainly isn't the only person in the world doing it.
> 
> ...


WHOA! Let me take his side for a moment.

From what you said, you weren't a perfect wife.

Tell me...did you two agree to a child? Did you agree to uni? Or were those decisions made by wifely fiat? I am asking.

He's needy. He's unhappy. He's depressed.

So what did you do? THREW HIM OUT!

No conversations. No master plan to fix things. No set of demands. "GET OUT" The one communication you shared was a big FU to him. 

HE is supposedly dating...and you are chatting someone up for 2 months. Yes...HIS actions are so bloody bad... I'm sure you don't see 'Dave' as anything like that. Does your husband?

He is cyber stalking you...and you have a bevy of friends who know exatly what he is doing re real estate, his fitness routine and who he is seeing. How dare he cyber stalk you? He SHOULD be doing it the old fashioned way like YOU are!

You *threw him out*...and he refuses to pine for you. He's ANGRY you threw him out. How dare he!

So...besides being human and deciding to move on, what else has he done?


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I wouldn't even bother, I would just cut him off from my life completely as Elegirl detailed how to do. Which also means I no longer care about his business.


According to the OP, they are already cut off.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You have come a long way so far. It's time for the next step. Interact with him according to the 180 (see the link below). Stop responding to his texts, emails etc except for things that are very important or necessary things about your child. Do not reply to txts and emails immediately. Give yourself time to calm down. Then reply in as few words and as business like as you can.
> 
> And do not answer the phone when he calls you. Only correspond via txt and email. You can even tell him that this is how you will communicate with him from here on out.
> 
> ...


Hey Ele....remind me again about how one shouldn't automatically villify the other spouse and assume that the OP is maybe painting things in harsh tones?

How we should see about trying to see the other person's point of view and maybe fixing it.

Or is that only when it's women?

She hasn't been to counseling, she hasn't helped him with whatever is going on in his view of the relationship, she threw HIM out and she has already been giving him a 180 by barely staying in contact with him. Oh...and she has 'Dave' in her life.

So...love to see some objectivitiy.


----------



## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

Check back on her posts... There was bad crap between them. Violence. Full stop. Police. Full stop

Violence and police? Yeah no. There is nothing to reconcile. Time to cut losses and move on. He obviously already is. Whatever the he said/she said may be, these folks are better off apart

In terms of the original question, he started with selfish, needy behavior while emotionally and physically distancing himself and that lead to an EA. when things blew up it got violent apparently.

Not sure why OP would even care what he is thinking now, but I would assume that yes, he has moved on, which is good, but is being vindictive, which is very bad.

Does that one year rule not have exceptions for truly toxic situations?


----------



## Honest opinion (Dec 14, 2012)

JCD said:


> WHOA! Let me take his side for a moment.
> 
> From what you said, you weren't a perfect wife.
> 
> ...


I think your absolutely right JCD

I feel so bad for your husband,He still care for you when he is trying to know who you contact and stuff,this is part of jealousy he wants you back,your fisrt post show you still have feeling for him as well,you could have for sure work things out between you too,but then Mr.Random dude had his influence on you and you started finding more and more things to hate your husband for.it turned out that you kicked him out and can't wait for the year to pass.years from now you will sit and regret this decision ,no one will ever love your child like her own dad,you mentioned he helped around the house and take care of the child all he need is more attention time from you !!!!!! Is this suppose to be bad?? 
I hope you come back to your sense before its too late,sit together ( with your husband )and talk nothing is better than eye contact to see the true feelings 
Good luck


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay. I'm quite a bit lost on this thread. Let me see if I can figure this out. OP, I am NOT attacking you...but I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this situation.

First, the time frame and the question:



> My husband and I split up about 3-4 months ago. I am devastated. My main reason for posting in the male section is *I want to know what you guys are thinking and doing at this stage in a break up. *


Oh...another question:



> Do you guys think about your exes and are you just keeping busy to help yourself get over things or is he just really callous and seemingly unfeeling toward me and our daughter. *We used to be so close, constant contact via messages and phone calls and now when I text him he doesn't even respond.* In the first 2 months he would always respond and let me know how he was feeling even it was anger or hate toward me, *but now its nothing and it hurts more than his hateful words.*
> 
> 
> Has he well and truly moved on (he's on dating websites etc) and doesn't think and care about me anymore...or what? I'm so confused. Not less than 10 days ago he sent me a text asking me what I would do if he said he wanted to come back....
> ...



So..what tone do I get from this? She misses his constant contact and he's angry. She wants to know if we, as men in a break up, still think about our families. So...in 110 days, he asked about coming back.

Seems straightforward, right?

But then we get THIS:



> my response to his text was "well you haven't asked to come back so it's a moot point"


That is not an FU. But it certainly feels like she's...if not slamming the door in his face, telling him it's a bit late. This was an olive branch...and he gets a...I would almost say spiteful, but let's just call it a challenge back.

Okay...she doesn't want him back, right?


BUT...



> i also wish we would have sat down and worked on things instead of going through this, this is 1000 times worse than our marriage ever was.


So...now you REGRET that he's gone? That things have gotten far worse?!?



> its a long story and nearly 4 months of hindsight i've realised *alot of the role I played in the demise of our marriage*.


No comment. But self reflection is admirable.



> 1. he is a very needy person ( has depression) ...but he only ever wanted to be with me. so whilst he lost himself in me, that became one of the reasons he left in the end


Um...he wanted to spend time with YOU...and you wanted to spend time with other people. He might have a bit of a mental condition. Check.



> 2. he's deeply involved in his work and technology (iphones, ipads, computers, you name it he has it). living with him was like living with him having another woman and paying them attention instead of giving his attention to me and our daughter...it was just ALL the time and our main fight during our marriage was for him to just stop it and participate in our marriage.


Totally get this. Like...people spending all their time online on...for...ums... um...yeah... Guilty! He worked hard and he had poor boundaries. Get that.



> 3. we had a child - i think because of his neediness the attention that having a child took away from him (ie i gave her the attention i was once giving him) was too much for him.


Problem since the dawn of time. Wife becomes mommy and not daddy's little sex toy anymore. Now...was he needy...or did you not strike the right balance, dismissing his needs? Or BOTH! Why choose one?



> 4. when our daughter was 18 months old i started university part time. so having a child to care for and doing university meant more time was lost on him. i did try my best to give him attention, but it never seemed enough and i could feel him pulling away.


Okay, you already saw time problems...and you went to Uni. How do you think that made him feel? You are a self described 'party' girl who took off to an institution which is a huge time suck...while you had a little kid...and KNEW that hubby was already feeling neglected.

As far as the EA...been there. He still sees it as a simple friendship. You saw it as someone getting his positive emotional energy and bonding...while you were with your child and at Uni. Where exactly was your emotional energy going? Right now, you've carved it up into three or four parts: Kid, Uni, Socializing, Hubby. Who got the short end of the stick? 

I'm sure you tried your best, but I'm pretty sure that Australia has 24 hour days just like the rest of the world....but nothing would surprise me about that place at this point. 


Let's abbreviate some. You lost respect for him, started picking fights with a man who hates fighting...and you are surpised he is 'emotionally distant' and 'cut off from the family'...AFTER he takes you to Bali. You didn't meet his emotional needs, and didn't make him feel good about himself. You tried to make him do things which made him uncomfortable...and you picked fights which you characterized as 'communication'. Since you are independent....did you try to act like you didn't need him?

He sought validation at home...and you sought validation with friends, family (what's a matter? Wasn't HE family?) and uni. So...please explain what his motives for staying are?

YOU TOSSED HIM OUT!

Here is the money quote..surprisingly vague.



> he doesn't want me back as much as i don't want him back. things that have been done and said in the last 3 months have ruined any chance of reconcilliation.......police, violence, lies, deceit, involving my family and friends, forwarding text messages to people, denying things that we said and done in the marriage, false accusations, logging into my computer, checking up on me the list is endless.


Done and said by whom? I'm sorry, but when you tell someone they are not good enough to be with anymore, they get angry. Period. Did he hit you? Did he hit the child? What was the context of this 'violence'? He is having his CHILD stripped from him....and you expect him to be rational about this?

You need to expand that. Did you hit him? 



> i am not a doormat and perhaps that is why he left, he couldn't handle that i didn't fall for his ****, or let him or us wallow in self pity and i didn't let him have it over me anymore. he's an avid gym goer and in the last 3 months he told me he has decided to stop going to to gym because he's too sad and drained and needs a rest and i knew he would never give up going to the gym, he used to go when he was on deaths door sick etc, and a friend of mine rang me to told me he joined a new gym (the one where he met his EA).....and was going on a regular basis. so his manipulations even whilst separated continued.


This is so trivial that it's hard to comprehend as a valid argument. Maybe what he said was what he felt at the time. Maybe he decided that he wanted to move on from the life *he was thrown out of* and didn't think he owed you the truth. 

Sorry, but if my wife divorces me, a) she gives up all right to my fidelity and b) she only gets whatever information about my life that I choose to give her.



> thanks random dude, and i'm hot LOL take care of myself, my looks, keep fit, how i dress etc etc I never let myself go. he had it pretty good....his loss.


I'm sure he was fully aware of your high opinion of yourself.



> so found out today, that he's moving into a 3BR house with his soon to be new live in girlfriend. not less than 4 months after leaving me and his 3 and a half year old little girl.
> 
> what a complete *******, who does that!


A man who ten days ago had the olive branch ripped from his hand and snapped over her well shaped knee.

So...you want him to care about you...but you want nothing to do with HIM...and while your marriage was a 1000 times better than your new reality...you're mad that he isn't rolling over and dying or he's not begging to return to fights...and uni...and someone who didn't try to make him feel good about himself.

Good job on the therapy though. Did you ever try it for your marriage BEFORE you got to this juncture?


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Let me walk back a bit. Obviously he was stealing time from his family with his dingle berry and "ME"phone. Granted. So he is not totally in the right.

And it's good that you admit you weren't perfect...but neither is he.

I'd be jeaous of my wife throwing me out and contacting other men to 'chat'. Who exactly is this David? You never answered that.

So...are you BOTH dating? 

What exatly do you want from him? I'm confused. It sounded like you missed him and wanted him back...for about 3 posts.

Now he's pond scum. 

If you don't know what you want from him, how is he supposed to know? And if he's just moving on with his life, *and that is what you seem to want,* why the concern he isn't giving you updates?


----------

