# Should I confront him?



## lostandstuck (Nov 3, 2012)

Hi,

I posted my original story in Considering Divorce or Separation. After the past week and half of turmoil I finally figured it out. He is cheating on me or at least I found the photos and screenshot of text messages they have been sending to each other. Lots of ‘I love you’ and inappropriate pictures. It seems like it has been going on a few months too so now this make more sense to me when he was goes from extremely upset not wanting me to leave to saying he wants a D tomorrow.

So now I have contacted a lawyer on what I should do - still waiting for appointment.

If he hasn't hooked up with her yet I suspect he might in the next few days because he told me he is going on a trip for work but I know he is staying at an Inn/Spa. Do I confront him about it or wait till I talk to my lawyer? I am afraid to do anything without talking to the lawyer.

Thanks for any advice.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The best approach is to expose the OW. The idea is to her her to dump him.

Do you know if ow has a husband or bf?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you can see the lawyer before the trip then great, but until then keep gathering evidence and when the time is right confront him but do not reveal your sources.

Do not beg or cry but be as confident as you can be and inform him you know whats going on and if you chooses to go on this trip when the marriage is this fragile then he will not have a place to come home to.

Tell him you know enought to consider this abandonment and will treat it as suck by removing his things when he is gone.


Let him deny and make light of the sitch but you know you have the confirmation and validation to take these steps...maybe he will sense this confidence in you. If not smile at him and wish him the best in life as he walks out the door. then again remind him in what he will find on his return home.

Most likely the two of you will go around in circles, rarely will they admit, but stick to the pure fact that you know the truth and nothing he says will change that and the steps you take after her leaves.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

He will ask about proof, I recommend you tell him the person you have been incontact with will be sending you the proof soon enough and the issue at hand is not about what proof you have but if he wants to keep his marriage.

he will call you nut, your not. He will call you jealous, your not your protecting your marriage. If you know the OW name I recommend using it to show him you are truely on to him.

Girl you have to be strong and confident. You must show him a women that will not take anymore crap and if you feel like your going to break down then walk a way and regroup. Your screwed as soon as he sees any weakness from you.

Again its important that you don't reveal your source, you will need this source later down the road...trust me!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Show up at that spa/inn for 100% proof he's cheating?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Shaggy is dead on the best way to confront is let the OW husband or BF confront OW and in no time at all, your husband will be getting calls from OW about the exposure.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

lostandstuck said:


> Hi,
> 
> I posted my original story in Considering Divorce or Separation. After the past week and half of turmoil I finally figured it out. He is cheating on me or at least I found the photos and screenshot of text messages they have been sending to each other. Lots of ‘I love you’ and inappropriate pictures. It seems like it has been going on a few months too so now this make more sense to me when he was goes from extremely upset not wanting me to leave to saying he wants a D tomorrow.
> 
> ...


Confront him on it. Don't tell him how you know, just that you KNOW 100% for sure. Let him guess at how you know, but don't tell him. Don't back down. Stick to your guns. Repeat the same thing over and over, that you KNOW and you want to hear him say it.

If he is willing to divorce you, there is about a 100% chance that he already has been having sex with her. Cheating men generally won't leave the marriage just based on a romantic connection with no sex.

With no kids and so early in the marriaige, my advice would be to proceed with the divorce. It very well may be that you cannot save this marriage even if you wanted to. Do you want to?


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## lostandstuck (Nov 3, 2012)

@Shaggy - I am not sure...I just recently discovered the photos.

@guy - thanks, I will probably have to do it tomorrow then because he is coming to get his stuff for the trip and I may not be able to meet with the lawyer till next week when he gets back. Good advice about being vague about the proof because he may know then I found proof from snooping. I don't know about kicking him out though because 1) I can't afford the house without him and he knows it 2) he has been staying at his dad's only coming and going to get his stuff. He expects me to leave when he gets back from his trip next Tuesday. 

He is the one that wants the D with no fault so do I say if you want one the he should do the fault? 

Actually probably too late I think he may be leaving now...


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## lostandstuck (Nov 3, 2012)

@cheatinghubby - it is all the way in Maine...so do I really go all the way there?

@Will_Kane - at first I was willing to save it but now that I found this evidence (of cheating) I don't think I want to be with him anymore since he seems like a completely different person. I just feel like he at least owns me the truth to at least tell me to my face and if he wants a D I would rather it be for this reason because IT IS the reason why and not the whole 'no fault' that he wants because he told me he just doesn't want 'us' anymore. 

We do have a house that I will probably have to move since I can't afford it without him and don't really want it because of memories but I would like some compensation because I did pay the down payment and I do half of all the bills right now. We also have a dog and I would really like to take him (but of course this is probably my anger talking).


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you want 100% undeniable proof then yes. Hell I flew from Cali to Florida this past summer when I thought my wife might be having an affair.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

What do you want? You've had some time to start mulling this over, what are your thoughts? 

Personally, you have no kids. You now know he has a definite lack of character. What's going to happen when things really get tough? Kids, medical issues, death in the family? Do you think he can ever be trusted if he is already letting you both down so badly? I would say no. Nor would I be the one leaving the house. He can leave. You didn't step out of the marriage, he chose to. He will still have to pay his half, to protect his interest in the house, until it sells. As for the dog, no shared custody, one of you gets the dog period, the other can get a new dog. Look on the bright side, he showed his true colours before you got stuck with him for life. Thank your lucky stars for that.


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## lostandstuck (Nov 3, 2012)

@SadandAngry - thanks! This sounds like what I want to do. I just didn't know if I can stand up with the house and dog without the lawyer saying I had enough evidence to have him at fault.


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## newandlost (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi Lost,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think everyone else has great advice....definitely make sure you have enough evidence and stick to your guns. Trust yourself, you can do this. =)


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## lostandstuck (Nov 3, 2012)

@newandlost - thanks!

Yes, thank you everyone for you great advice!


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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

Tell him you know what's going on, that it's immature, and that you deserve better. Don't reveal your sources, and don't let him shift the blame. Talk to your lawyer ASAP, but be a bit careful... a lot of lawyers look to "take advantage" of women in tough emotional situations if you catch my drift.

Make a list of your and his shared and individual assets... value, acct numbers, etc. As far as the small stuff like home goods, make a short list of the stuff you definitely want, but you should figure that stuff out between the two of you. It's not worth the lawyer $ to fight over it.

Let him have the house and pay you $... you won't want stuff that reminds you of him anyways.



> If he is willing to divorce you, there is about a 100% chance that he already has been having sex with her. Cheating men generally won't leave the marriage just based on a romantic connection with no sex.


Yep. No doubt about it. He started this affair out of lonely or selfish feelings, but if he's secure enough to say he's 100% out of the marriage, then let him go.

"Catching them in the act" is stupid and costly... emotionally and financially. Exposing your knowledge of the affair to the other woman if you can is a decent move, and tell her spouse/fiancee/bf or her family if you know she has one and how to contact them.

Tell his family and friends while he's on the vacation. Don't go out of your way to hurt anyone, but do make it known that he's done irreparable damage to your marriage and you don't see hope or reason to rebuild shattered trust.

Your husband's lust and mistaken love for her will crash and bomb soon enough, though. He (and she) will soon realize that their relationship started dishonest, it won't be as "hot" with the secrecy blown, and they will realize they're sleeping with a liar and if he cheated on you, he will cheat on her too. They won't trust each other, and you can take that to the bank.


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## lostandstuck (Nov 3, 2012)

The strange thing is that he doesn't even have the money saved up for the D and based on his browser history on pc he had only searched for a lawyer the same day he had said he wanted a D.

I so want tell his family and friends because from what I know he has only told them that he is just not happy anymore as the reason for the D. But I think I might have to wait till I confront him first.

From the screenshot of text message I read she knows he his married. Because it said things like your wife has issues etc...

Before I knew about the affair I was willing to work on it and didn't understand why he didn't but now that I know this I want nothing to do with him. Not only is trust gone so is respect when you can't even tell me the truth.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

People who have affairs might be intilligent, but they become so very stupid for the duration. They just refuse to think about the consequences of their choices. It is just another layer of the betrayal, and the unfairness.


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## tonynw (Nov 7, 2012)

pick yourself up and get the hell out of his life. get the proof you need girl, get him to court and get the hell out of there. theres a better man for you out there


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If you have made your choice, then don't worry about courtesy to him anymore. Do not tell him how you know what you know, do not tell him anything that will give away how you know what you know. Do not tell him you are going to expose him, just do it. You don't even need to talk to him, or if you feel you do, you definitely don't need to listen to him. When I confronted, I said I had my stuff to say, and I would not let her interrupt, ask questions, nor touch me until I got all the way through. When I finished I made her choose, right then, right there. You don't need to give him a choice, just tell him to gtfo, and don't come back essentially.


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## tonynw (Nov 7, 2012)

i agree, please dont let him know you are on to him. take him down nicely


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