# Question: Kids, Parties and XWWs



## WasDecimated

I recently planned and threw a high school graduation party for my son. He lives with me but still has contact with his mother (XWW). I invited family and friends along with some of XWW’s family that I’m still close to. I did not invite XWW. 

I asked my son several times if he wanted her at his party. His response was no, it would be too awkward so I went with my sons answer. I did not invite her because it would have been awkward…for her as well as me. In my opinion, what she did to me, our marriage, our family, without remorse, were the actions of someone who could not possibly expect to remain part of BS’s life. To me, cheating = Divorce. Lying, Blame-shifting, Gas-lighting, along with no remorse = purged from my life. 

I realize that if my kids get married someday that I’ll have to be in the same room as her but until then, I choose no contact with her. No contact, for me has been the best way to heal from this nightmare. Whenever I’ve seen her in the past, it has set me back emotionally. Avoiding contact is what is best for me. 

My mother seems to think I should have invited XWW and so does a couple of XWW's relatives. Their response was "She's still his mother" My response was "Yes she is. She can plan her own Graduation party"

What would you do in this situation? Was I wrong not to invite her?


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## notmyrealname4

.


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## Acoa

Decimated said:


> What would you do in this situation? Was I wrong not to invite her?


I would not invite my ex to a graduation party I'm throwing for my kids. I would also not invite her family. 

I love her family, and consider them to be good people. But, unfortunately they are no longer my family. My ex needs to throw a party and include them.

This is not hypothetical, it's what I did when my Son graduated (after separation but before the divorce was final), and it's what I'll do again next year when my daughter graduates.


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## jb02157

I think your thoughts are spot on and I'm glad that your have decided to completely purge her from your life. That's all she deserves and all she should get. Your son doesn't even want her there. If she wants to throw him a graduation party let her throw her own (it would be great if your son decided not to show up!!). Never give her a second thought. She's not in your life anymore and you shouldn't think of her coming to happy occasions such as these, moreso that your son seems to agree.


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## Bananapeel

I think that following your son's wishes was the best way to go. What family or friends think is less relevant than what your son thinks. Plus at his age he is now a man and needs to decide for himself what he wants and to have his father support his decision, including all the consequences that come of it.


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## WasDecimated

Thank you for your responses. I feel much better about my decision.

The following day I actually started to feel guilty about not inviting her…WTH? 

I do believe she was waiting for me to plan something, pay for it, and invite her so she could just show up, put on a show pretending that everything between us is great and she must be a good person because I have apparently allowed her to stay in my life. Her image is very important to her. I don’t play her game anymore and haven't for years.

My son is telling me that XWW is now going to throw a grad party for him after she realized I wasn't going to invite her. He said he doesn’t want to go. He actually told her that he only wanted the one party but she is insistent on throwing him one anyway. It sounds to me like the party is really for her to show everyone that she is still an involved, loving mother. Of course, she has no date, time or place picked out…and the summer is half over. 

I do enjoy the idea of her actually spending some of the child support money I've paid her over the years, on my sons party. At least it's going to him.


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## dubsey

it's what your son wanted, so it's fine.

now, regarding FWW's party, you tell him he needs to go. It's part of being an adult, doing many many things you don't want to. Then congratulate him on being an adult.


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## MJJEAN

dubsey said:


> it's what your son wanted, so it's fine.
> 
> now, regarding FWW's party, you tell him he needs to go. It's part of being an adult, doing many many things you don't want to. Then congratulate him on being an adult.


I disagree. Part of being an adult is also that your parents can no longer force you to do what you do not want to do. If Decimated's son told her he doesn't want a party and she decides to throw him one anyway, he shouldn't be forced to go. He said no. She didn't listen. Sounds like her problem to me.

@Decimated I know people how have done it both ways. Some invite the ex, some don't. Personally, I fall into the don't camp.


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## Lostinthought61

how is it your paying for child support if he is staying with you?


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## BetrayedDad

Decimated said:


> Was I wrong not to invite her?


Hell no.


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## WasDecimated

Xenote said:


> how is it your paying for child support if he is staying with you?


Past Child support for my son. It was 50/50 for the first couple of years until he decided that he didn't want to live with her at all about a year ago. He has been with me full time since then. I still pay for my daughter even though she is with me 3 out of 4 weeks each month. She doesn't want to stay with XWW either but she also doesn't want to hurt her or make her mad. XWW actually told my daughter that she'll (XWW) be dead some day and then my daughter would regret it...wtf? I leave that decision to her.

Interestingly enough, I never told them about her cheating. She's digging her own grave with out any help from me.


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## TAMAT

Decimated,

Your children have a right to know the truth of why one of the most important relationships in their lives failed. You are under no obligation to keep your WWs horrible behavior a secret from them. 

Why haven't you told them?

Tamat


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## WasDecimated

TAMAT said:


> Decimated,
> 
> Your children have a right to know the truth of why one of the most important relationships in their lives failed. You are under no obligation to keep your WWs horrible behavior a secret from them.
> 
> Why haven't you told them?
> 
> Tamat


Good question. I began to discover XWW’s affair back in 2009, about 7 years ago. The kids were much younger then. When I finally decided to divorce her, I told the kids that their mother didn’t love me anymore so we had to get a divorce. I also told them that I tried everything to save our marriage but she wasn’t interested. I didn’t want to destroy her in the kids’ minds but at the same time, I wasn’t going to take the blame for blowing up their family. Some of my friends advised me not to tell the kids because they were too young and they didn’t need to know everything. At the time, I rationalized that I would tell them when they were older, but only if they asked.

Part of me regrets not telling them the truth at that time. I do feel they have the right to know who their mother really is and how little our family meant to her. There is the possibility that they could already know the truth. At the time of discovery, XWW and I had many heated discussions. I’m sure I was loud enough to be heard for miles, let alone, in the next room. Everyone in our extended families know as well including their cousins, who are the same age... It’s reasonable to assume they’ve talked. Also, XWW’s son knows everything. He figured it out on his own. He is a bit older then the younger kids but they are reasonably close.


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## Wolf1974

Some people just have a lot of problems with being an adult and understanding When you screw people over it has consequences. Your XWW consequence is her own son doesn't want her there because of what she did. That's on her and her alone.


Karma train just rolled through


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