# Needing a mans opinion



## Wife in need (Apr 16, 2016)

I am a very frustrated wife of neRly nine years married. I'm disappointed with my husbands actions & treatment of me. I'm a stay at home mum who manages our small business, he does the physical side of the business & I handle all the bookwork, invoices, bills, banking & all household responsibilities. I'm very clean in the house, a little ocd perhaps, washing is always done, dinners cooked on time. I
He doesn't even put his cup in the sink, I have to do that, which I do no problem. I mow the lawn & look after the yard keeping it tidy along with looking after the animals. Our 2 young children I love with my life, there looked after, I'm always there for them too, volunteering at their school also.
I'm happy to do all this but the problem is with my husband & his lack of respect, appreciation & emotional & physical affections towards me. He comes home from work & spends all afternoon playing online gambling, face booking, etc... Whilst drinking & smoking. Won't give me or the children any of his time, only stopping to eat his dinner then leaves the table to continue with his afternoons activities well into the night. Then comes to bed & expects me to be waiting for him with affection?? He won't even look up from his iPad to talk to me, it rude & disrespectful.

Am I asking too much to want some of his 'undivided' attention?? Is it wrong of me to want some emotional & physical attention outside of the bedroom?? A kiss, a touch, a cuddle?? An adult conversation with no electronic devices in the way?? 

I want a relationship where we are in it together, where there is communication at the end of the day...am I asking too much from my husband??

He goes on a fishing trip with the boys & doesn't come home when he said he would be & I get worried that something might have happened - is it too much to expect a text message or phone call to let me know of there change in plans??? I don't care that he stays longer, I'd just like to be told so that I don't worry.

I feel my son isn't getting a good role model from his father either, I would love him to do more with him & be abut healthier with his lifestyle choices - what our son sees him doing will affect him later in life too

Would love some 'male' advice/perspective on my situation...please!


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

The male advice I would give you, since from your post it sounds like you are married to a selfish guy with the maturity level of a 4 year old, is to do the following

(1) privately see an attorney to find out your rights
(2) tell him exactly what you have posted here in no uncertain terms
(3) tell him if he continues to ignore you you may find someone who will not (that should get his attention )
(4) if that does not work, file for divorce

The alternative to the above to put up with his crap for years and it ain't going to get better.

Hope that helped


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I would not jump to divorce yet. But I would grab the iPad and tell him you need to see him in the bedroom. Then when you two are alone, you need to sit him down and tell him that he needs to shape up or he is out. Tell him the marriage is hanging by a thread and he needs to work with you on becoming an equal partner or you will replace him. It's that simple. He will be shocked but it might just knock him out of his lethargy. 

You have to be tough with him. Show conviction. Show him you have every intention of following through with what you say. Some men are just thick. They have to be taken to the edge of the cliff face before they wake up.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

basically he takes you for granted 

Did he always act like this ? or did it evolve over time ? 

Sounds like you both need to go see a marriage counselor


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While things sounds pretty bad in your marriage, if you want to take a try and fixing things there are some books that might help you figure out what to do.

Start out with this book: "Divorce Busters" and pay special attention to the chapter on how to introduce change into your marriage... it talks about do what the books calls the 180.... behaving in a manner 180 degrees differently from what you husband expects. You need to get his attention with out you complaining. The books tells how to do it.

Then there are two other books that tell how to over haul your marriage so that both of you have your needs met.

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" - these two books are for you to read and then try to get him to read them. If you will not read the books on work on the marriage then you pretty much know that he could care less... and it's time to see an attorney.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

He's in the rut. He's had the advantage of on-hand-instant-demand office staff, almost for free. Plus full room service.

Sadly he doesn't even realise how lucky he's got it because he's just got in the habit of focus on his interests (often starts when things are stressed and work/career/business demands all a man's attention, then he spends a bit of time relaxing and chilling.... but it becomes a habit, because the family is always there. So instead of focus on you and kids, it's more like you're fellow officeworkers.

A few women I know of in your situation, decided to make new friends and have affairs (some resolving the problem after being discovered, others going throu big bust ups).
Not really the best plan.

Things to realise, his days already full, all 24 hrs.
He's already doing things which catch his attention and are either necessary/rewarding (like work, being paid) or relaxing/chilling/no stress. So he's got to want to change things, which is going to be difficult because it involves breaking away from the gambling addiction (even it's its not much of an addition, it's a distraction with escapism and hormone rush, so is psychologically addictive). The online discussions can be difficult to break as they're low risk, relatively low stress, and a convenient way of meeting people with simlar interests with no effort.

I think about first of all: outsource the work stuff, or get full wages. This because you have to live your life not be unpaid convenience. Other thing find out for sure what your business equity is, it can be quite variable, depending on your business or employment contract and/or your recorded hours - often his chargeable hours are recorded but yours won't be.

While I don't think you're rushing to leave, that's got to be a valid option if you don't want to be a doormat for the rest of your working life.

I think probably the best thing next is to go on a weeks trip with the kids during his worktime. About two days out, txt him and tell him you're not really happy with the relationship since the pair of you don't do fun things together any more - if he's in the rut, you'll probably (both?) have to retrain yourself in what fun and being a couple is like! The daily grind tends to make the "not fun" a ongoing habit that's hard to break out of.

You'll have to find something that works for you both, that could several attempts so try not to be discouraged; also avoid things that are outside your budget, as you'll need something sustainable, not something which will be a flash in the pan then back to the grind to pay off the debts. It can be difficult because you might want change, but to the partner who isn't aware of the problem it's just a lot of stress and hassle. That's why the being away part works, it shows that there's something to _lose_! 

When you're away make sure you have your witness at all times!! keep all receipts, allow access to GPS, phone (keep it handy). So he doesn't think you're having affair!! Txt him each night, and two days after saying that you two don't do fun things together anymore, then txt him your phones going flat but when you get back the two of you need to have a talk about what you both want out of being married. _Lose_ your charger (or cord). Borrow a phone from friend or relation two days later, call to apologise you haven't called but you haven't got your charger(cord) and you've borrowed a phone - by now you'll have an excuse not to stay on the phone for long, and he should be concerned - being not there gives him emotional space (without the emotional support that a wife (mother??) at home and security gives a man). Something you do has to put relationship needs on the priority list, for him to _want_ to make the effort to find out The Problem (that's you're his lover, and friend...not his housekeeper and Mum) and that you need to live your life (while the kids are still in your lives _before_ they leave the nest.) Seriously don't lie about the charger(cord), make damn sure its gone (or leave it at home when you go but make sure he can't find it, otherwise him finding it will be "doing you a favour") and you don't want that kind of "white knighting" interfering with the serious matter at hand.

Good luck. Remember men aren't nearly as immanent or pragmatic as most women; they worry about whats happening right now, and whether 50 years we can land on mars type thing; and if the former is ok, then all the thinking goes in adrenaline or the latter (or sleep or food of booze). As a Wiccan friend on mine says about "Men's mysteries" (c.f. "Women's mysteries") ...there aren't any. good food, good booze, get laid. that's life. no mystery. no fiddling about or hidden sh...stuff.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

When my gal seperated for 4 months I got the picture and snapped too. Maybe give that a try.


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## monkey55 (Apr 18, 2016)

I've heard of this a lot... addicted to the games. .. doesn't want to put forth effort. ..if you let it go on its on you. ... i like to going away for a bit and letting him know why. .. but he had to stop the online gambling / gaming or it won't last. ... 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Take out a piece of paper.

On it, write down three things you need him to change if you're going to stay married. Simple sentences with very clear expectations. 

Don't say things like "I need you to pay more attention to me and the kids."

Say things like "Three times a week I want your undivided attention for 30 minutes before bed to talk, and I need you to spend 30 minutes with the kids every day."

Don't say things like "I want more affection."

Say things like "I want you to have sex with me twice a week. We can discuss what I want in our chats three times a week, and talk about what you want, too."

The third thing I would say is "I need you to quit smoking."

Then sign and date it, and say he has 3 months to sort it out.

He'll either do it, or he won't. But what he can never say is "She just up and left one day and I don't know why!"


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I feel for you. Have you ever discussed the situation with him? I'm guessing you have with little progress.

I would suggest that you start cutting back on all the caretaking and start investing some of that energy back into yourself. Get together with friends, take up a hobby, do something just for you. This should get his attention. Your happiness is your responsibility and you need to make it happen. If he can't be bothered to invest in your happiness, he can be left behind as you start building a new life. This doesn't mean divorce or anything like that, though it could eventually lead there. 

Do it now, before your resentment builds to the point that you are already out the door.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I know this story because the same thing happens at my house. I do all the work, make all the money and do all the chores, kids homework, clean up and I'm beat when it's all done, but always set aside time for her. Wife does nothing but watches TV and falls asleep. She could help me but doesn't.

Have you let him know that if he gets off his ipad that you will pay attention to him or just give him a pile of things to do or just ignore him? I've got a feeling that we would get a very different picture of this story if we saw this from his perspective.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> I would not jump to divorce yet. But I would grab the iPad and tell him you need to see him in the bedroom. Then when you two are alone, you need to sit him down and tell him that he needs to shape up or he is out. Tell him the marriage is hanging by a thread and he needs to work with you on becoming an equal partner or you will replace him. It's that simple. He will be shocked but it might just knock him out of his lethargy.
> 
> You have to be tough with him. Show conviction. Show him you have every intention of following through with what you say. Some men are just thick. They have to be taken to the edge of the cliff face before they wake up.



Extremely good advice. He is not working at taking care of his marriage, because you're doing such a good job he's enjoying his life.
Don't think he doesn't care about you, he's just got his mind in "man Mode" and is all about accomplishing the tasks he thinks are important.
You have to find a way to shake his life up so he will "see" how badly he's messing up. Leaving him for a while might not be a bad idea.
Honestly, I had some bad ways of neglecting my wife, and instead of getting on the internet and showing every guy that would show interest, nude pics of her and sexting them and doing whatever else I don't have proof of; I would have wished she would have just separated for a while and got me out of my blindness. Of course, she was blind to what she was doing to my stress level on her endless spending and debt inflation.

I never saw how I was not taking care of things until she was gone.

Just screw up his emotions for a while. Let him know you're serious. Give him a chance to fix this, and explain it when you're NOT ANGRY. Do it before you lose your feelings for him.
Good luck

Edit: He's gaming and drinking and such??? That's BS. Just explain things to him when you're not angry and tell him he straightens up or you're gone.


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## MikeTO (Aug 18, 2016)

Write a love letter to him and do it with kindness. Tell him how you feel and what you're going through. Ask him to help solve the problem. Men love solving problems. This trick is I learned from Dr John Gray. You might want to read his book "Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus" it's a great book to help with relationships.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I know you asked for men only, but I have some experiences with this.

The thing is you are doing everything. You owned all the work and now he has nothing to do but enjoy life as he sees fit. You have created this monster. 

Stop doing everything. Figure out which projects you want to keep doing and don't do anything else. Let him know what he has to do. I really like the advice from the other folks, will do you good to follow them.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

marduk said:


> Take out a piece of paper.
> 
> On it, write down three things you need him to change if you're going to stay married. Simple sentences with very clear expectations.
> 
> ...


This @Wife in need, you need to be SPECIFIC in what you expect and set a date of when you expect to start seeing significant change by. "I need attention" is vague crap. "I need you to spend XX amount of undistracted time every day/week/month etc." is clear. He can not plead ignorance to that.

You paint the picture of a very selfish man. You are his mom. Your needs seem very reasonable to me. Unfortunately you MUST prepare yourself to leave if they are not enacted. Words without action behind them are meaningless. If he loves you he will make every effort to change, if he doesn't then you are better off without him.


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