# Dreamt of cheating last night



## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

My ex fiancé cheated on me last July with a ONS with an ex. He confessed immediately. I broke the engagement and kicked him out of the house. He was genuinely sorry for his actions from day one but It took me another five months to decide to forgive him.
Our R has been successful so far. We did CC and IC and we are back to almost the way we were before DDay. 

The only issue is that there has been no sex since we got back together last Dec. His shame from him cheating has basically triggered an old anziety that he suffers with his body ( he lost a testicle during his football career). We have tried try a bit of foreplay every now and then and he is currently seeing a sex therapist to combat this anziety he is feeling. I am trying to give him the head space so that he doesn't feel more anxious than he should...

But this is goin to take a loong time to clear up and in the meantime I have to accept a relationship with no sex. Which I am trying to do. BUt I am soooooo frustrated!! To the point that all I think about is sex?!

There is this young chap whom I work with and he has told me twice that he wants to have sex with me. He is a good looking guy and the chemistry between us is sizzling. I have told him twice that I am faithful and will never cheat. He understands but still flirts with me once in a while. 

Last night I was tossing and turning next to my partner because I was imagining having sex with this young man. And feeling ashamed about my thoughts. And feeling angry with my partner.

I am just worried about myself. I would never cheat on him but in my moments of despair I almost feel I could

Feel miserable today


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

I'm afraid to say that given the circumstances you describe it is only a matter of time before this becomes a full-blown jump into the sack steamy sex affair. You are craving it. You can't ever say that you will *never* cheat on your fiance. 

Either you are going to have to cut off this other guy and the sizzling chemistry between you or you are going to have to level with your fiance, or you are going to have to end the relationship.

If the chemistry between you is that sizzling, then frankly I don't see a good end to this. Do you really want to save your relationship? Because if you do, realize that you already in an EA for all practical purposes and on the verge of a PA.

Even though you're trying to combat it, emotionally you are already shifting the blame onto your fiance. Your anger at him attests to that. The flirtatious OM that you're resisting is just feeding your fantasy. The more you resist his advances, the more you will fantasize. And then one day. . .


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP, you said:
*The only issue is that there has been no sex since we got back together last Dec. His shame from him cheating has basically triggered an old anziety that he suffers with his body ( he lost a testicle during his football career). We have tried try a bit of foreplay every now and then and he is currently seeing a sex therapist to combat this anziety he is feeling*

When did he get one of his testicles removed?


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

PreRaphaelite said:


> I'm afraid to say that given the circumstances you describe it is only a matter of time before this becomes a full-blown jump into the sack steamy sex affair. You are craving it. You can't ever say that you will *never* cheat on your fiance.
> 
> Either you are going to have to cut off this other guy and the sizzling chemistry between you or you are going to have to level with your fiance, or you are going to have to end the relationship.
> 
> ...


Yes I do want to save our relationship but I find it so difficult being with someone who cannot fully perform. I really miss that sexual connection I had with my partner. I know its not his fault but fcuk! How much more do I have to contend with? First his cheating and now his ED. I feel so rejected!

As for this young man..We have only spoken about it a few times. He admitted to me three months ago that he was attracted to me. I was flattered but left it at just that. I havnt spoken to him since. It was only yesterday when he mentioned about wanting to sleep with me again. Yes I imagine our sex to be amazing but I also know that the consequences will be horrendous. There is no future with this young man. He is 20 years younger than me.

I dont know what I am trying to say/explain/justify. I just feel confused and very sad that I am even having sexual thoughts about another man.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> OP, you said:
> *The only issue is that there has been no sex since we got back together last Dec. His shame from him cheating has basically triggered an old anziety that he suffers with his body ( he lost a testicle during his football career). We have tried try a bit of foreplay every now and then and he is currently seeing a sex therapist to combat this anziety he is feeling*
> 
> When did he get one of his testicles removed?


It was twenty years ago (he is in his early forties now). He was so embarrassed about his "deformed" body that he avoided sex for many years. He has managed to keep this insecurity at bay until it reared its ugly head when he cheated on me.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

What stops him from doing oral?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

And yet his issue didn't keep him from hopping in the sack with his ex. Perhaps he had performance issues with the ex, and so it's not shame but performance anxiety? I'd think about moving on from relationship; this will be a long term issue with him and it doesn't appear you can handle it, or that guy at work wouldn't look so appealing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

im_tam said:


> What stops him from doing oral?


We do oral but it takes effort for him to sustain an erection. PIV never happens

But foreplay is just foreplay. Its not full blown sex is it


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> And yet his issue didn't keep him from hopping in the sack with his ex. Perhaps he had performance issues with the ex, and so it's not shame but performance anxiety? I'd think about moving on from relationship; this will be a long term issue with him and it doesn't appear you can handle it, or that guy at work wouldn't look so appealing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He never had this issue before.We had a fantastic sex life.

It happened after he cheated on me.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

The fact the ED happened after he betrayed you tells me his ED is probably more in his mind. That is often the case when a guy loses his desire for wife wife or SO. 

Maybe it's time to really reassess your relationship with him.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

im_tam said:


> What stops him from doing oral?


And we have a winner!!!! Exactly! Why is he not pleasing you???


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So does the young guy who has targeted you know about your fiance's problems? Have you confided in anyone at work about your frustrations with this?

If you have, you painted a target on your back ( or other places ). You are now a potential lay for a guy 20 years your junior. The "sizzling chemistry" is you being played by him. Sure he will jump into bed with you but he is a young azzhole. You already told him you will not cheat but that seems to have just increased his attempts to get you in bed. He is not a nice guy.

So you have a simply choice. Dump the fiance so you can scratch your itch with the younger guy or stop all interaction with the young guy and be faithful.

By the way, infidelity is a deal breaker for me. It would have been end of story when he cheated. Which makes me wonder why you took him back.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> We do oral but it takes effort for him to sustain an erection. PIV never happens
> 
> But foreplay is just foreplay. Its not full blown sex is it


I think the question is what stops him from doing oral on YOU?

In one of our weird "what if" converstions. My wife and I kicked around what we'd do if either of us was paralyzed from the waste down. If I was never able to use my penis again, I still have 2 hands, a VERY good tongue and we'd invest in MORE toys. A pen!s doesn't = sex. Creativity and openness = sex.

I'm actually surprised by the sex therapist. It seems like the focus is on getting his penis to work only. If your fiance got into the moment by playing with toys and performing on you and giving you some rocking O's, I have a feeling his penis might "spring to life" LOL. But the penis has taken over the focus instead of what sex really is (the physical connection between two people).


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm curious. How exactly does a coworker approach you and inform you that he'd love to have sexy time with you?

Is it a, he just walks up, says how you doing? I'd like to have sexy with you?

Or, does it come up in conversation? You were talking about clearing the paper jam, next he's offering to be the jam?

I'm serious here. I really want to know how you slip this in at work?


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

Hibiscus... Don't do it!!

I was in your situation last week (hubby cheated and I slept with a guy to get even 4 years later). 

It sounds justifiable right now.. I know it does. He cheated, you deserve this, he'd never know, it's flattering to have a younger guy want you, it's nice to feel special and wanted..

But don't do it! You are going to hate yourself if you do. You'll sink to a level even worse than your partner. Dont be alone with this guy. You can't trust yourself to not succumb of given half a chance. No dinners, no lunches, no hanging out. Stay away.. Avoid him like he's got an infectious disease that you'll catch if you get closer than 5 feet. I mean it!

Focus on your husband.. It takes two for a relationship to fail. Talk to him, possibly do counseling. He for sure needs to do IC if he's feeling inadequacy, but if you want to keep your relationship you need to support him an help him through this. Communicate.. Try and be the wife he deserves as if he never cheated.. 

If you can't put yourself 100% into reconciliation go see an IC yourself to open up and be forgiving.

Don't do what I did.. Revenge cheating Is never the answer... There is never an excuse for cheating... Say you get pregnant and doctor has you on bed rest for a few months.. It wouldn't e okay for him to find some on the side would it?

Don't cheat and stay away from the OM..


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> So does the young guy who has targeted you know about your fiance's problems? Have you confided in anyone at work about your frustrations with this?
> 
> If you have, you painted a target on your back ( or other places ). You are now a potential lay for a guy 20 years your junior. The "sizzling chemistry" is you being played by him. Sure he will jump into bed with you but he is a young azzhole. You already told him you will not cheat but that seems to have just increased his attempts to get you in bed. He is not a nice guy.
> 
> ...


I took him back because he seemed ( and still is) genuinely sorry for what he had done. I believe people can do things that they deeply regret later. I have decided to give him a second chance because I am hoping he has learnt from it. Its a huge leap of faith on my part but that's the decision I have made and is sticking to.

The young man at work: I have known him for over six years and we would always catch up with each others affairs. But I have only spoken to my best friend. He has always had a crush on me and it just slipped out in conversation recently. He asked me if I found him to be attractive...that's how the conversation started.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I think the question is what stops him from doing oral on YOU?
> 
> In one of our weird "what if" converstions. My wife and I kicked around what we'd do if either of us was paralyzed from the waste down. If I was never able to use my penis again, I still have 2 hands, a VERY good tongue and we'd invest in MORE toys. A pen!s doesn't = sex. Creativity and openness = sex.
> 
> I'm actually surprised by the sex therapist. It seems like the focus is on getting his penis to work only. If your fiance got into the moment by playing with toys and performing on you and giving you some rocking O's, I have a feeling his penis might "spring to life" LOL. But the penis has taken over the focus instead of what sex really is (the physical connection between two people).


I never stated that the sex therapist is focusing on his penis. 

We do oral on each other but I also miss the PIV. I also have to instigate it every time because he wont make a move on me. And when we do oral, sometimes he cannot maintain an erection


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

KimatraAKM said:


> Hibiscus... Don't do it!!
> 
> I was in your situation last week (hubby cheated and I slept with a guy to get even 4 years later).
> 
> ...


You are talking sense. This is exactly what I am thinking of doing...revenge cheating. 

You are so right. I need to stay focused. I will avoid this young man like the plague


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Do what you can to avoid OM. If you see that you are walking by his office/work area purposely then knock it off. It may feel good to hear him say these things, especially when your husband is stuck right now, but think about it: what does it say about this man's integrity that A: he would approach a woman at work about having sex with her, and B: he knows this woman is married? This guy is having boundary issues and is probably a sex addict...stay away from that 'cos a night of biss will result in a lifetime of regret, a restraining order, and relocation.


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## btdt (Nov 19, 2012)

If he's having ED issues because of his affair, just think about the problems it will cause him if he finds out you are cheating. These ED issues will only become that much harder to overcome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

hibiscus said:


> He never had this issue before.We had a fantastic sex life.
> 
> It happened after he cheated on me.


Could it be the ex said something that got his self esteem down?


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Suspecting said:


> Could it be the ex said something that got his self esteem down?


No its because he is ashamed of himself for hurting me. He is angry with himself for falling into temptation when he says he had no reason to. 

I think he is just generally beating himself up. And when you hate yourself..all other underlying securities surface.

Plus it hasn't helped that I have not understood his condition. I have been taking it very personally by thinking he isn't attracted to me. Which has given him added pressure to get an erection, which increase his anxiety and the vicious cycle carries on....


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> No its because he is ashamed of himself for hurting me. He is angry with himself for falling into temptation when he says he had no reason to.
> 
> I think he is just generally beating himself up. And when you hate yourself..all other underlying securities surface.
> 
> Plus it hasn't helped that I have not understood his condition. I have been taking it very personally by thinking he isn't attracted to me. Which has given him added pressure to get an erection, which increase his anxiety and the vicious cycle carries on....


And if you cheat with this OM your husband will be worse than crushed.

You seem to understand the reasons for his ED. What are you going to do about it?


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

PreRaphaelite said:


> And if you cheat with this OM your husband will be worse than crushed.
> 
> You seem to understand the reasons for his ED. What are you going to do about it?


I think I need to readjust my way of thinking.I have always placed PIV sex to be important when I now need to place foreplay as more important.

I wont cheat on him. I have come to my senses again.


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