# can she get over the "what if"



## unknown11 (Jun 7, 2011)

me and my fiance have been having problems and i found out she in interested in another man, and has been talking/txting/flirting with him a lot...i told her him or me, and unless she cuts off all ties, we are done...she chose me and said yes, but she had developed a very strong bond with this guy...ive been accepting of this because i did a similar thing to her a few years back (this doesnt make it right, but i came forward with mine before it got physical...she had to get caught to fess up)....but with mine, i came forward, told her i was confused, but ultimately chose her...the other girl, whom i had a strong connection with was somebody i went to school with and lived far away, so once i chose my fiance, it was easy to forget about this other girl...however, in her case, it wont be that easy...this is a close friend of her best friend, and he is easily accessible...even if i chose the other girl, im almost positive i would have gone back to my fiance, and im almost 100% if she ever chose him, she would realize and eventually come back to me...however, i dont want it to get to that point, but on the other hand, do you think she can honestly forget about this guy when there will always be the "what if" factor...has anybody else developed a strong relationship with somebody who wasnt there partner, chose to leave it be, and was able to overcome the "what if"


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

At a minimum I would immediately tell her that all wedding plans are on indefinite hold until she pulls her head out of her aQQ and figures out what she wants. From there it just depends on if she can convince you that she is committed to you - and only you. I'd personally be pretty hard to convince.


----------



## unknown11 (Jun 7, 2011)

thanks..well honestly i do believe her...we've been totally open about everything, and like i said i can understand how it happened...i cant fault her for feeling the way she did....and justl ike in my situation, i liked the attention and told myself "well as long as im not doing anything physical, its innocent", when really its even worse than maybe a drunk one night stand, because you do develop a bond with that person...i told her she has her chance out, and its only fair to me to be completely honest...do you want us or not...she said yes she does, but she was honest too in saying she doesnt know if she can make herself feel that way about me again, but she really wants to try...so i believe she wants to try, im just kind of pessimistic that she can get over it without actually finding out the grass isnt greener...wedding is completely on hold btw...however, i wouldnt be as concerned, obviously i dont want to lose her, but if she doesnt want me, then i dont want her...but...we also have a baby on the way, and i sure as hell want to fight for my family...i just want some sign that people have had a similar situation and gotten over it...i hear tons of people, my friends included, leaving their spouse or whatever for somebody who they thought was perfect, and realizing it was a mistake...i just hope she doesnt have to do that so we dont have to mess things up with the baby and our house


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well I can tell you that people can develop a connection with someone that they even believe is love and get over it. I did. Long story short, I've been with my wife for 21 years, married 13 of them. Last year a gf from before I met my wife friended me on facebook and I wound up in a 7 week long Emotional Affair. I love my wife with all my heart and I had such a mess of feelings and emotions running around inside of me I couldn't tell up from down. Anyway, I let myself get caught because I couldn't keep it up and I was too chicken just to man up to it. So in the aftermath I started trying to figure out exactly what it was I felt for the Other Woman. The thing is I never could. I arrived at a point where I knew I loved my wife more than anything and that I wanted to be with her and no one else, once I came to that realization what I felt for the OW no longer mattered and I stopped wasting time, energy and emotion on figuring it out and started investing those things into my marriage. 

Given the accessibility of this OM to your fiance for the foreseeable future I'd say you have a challenge. The cardinal rule around here for this would be No Contact, zero, nada, zip. If she can't stick to NC it's will be an issue. 

Now a child on the way certainly changes your situation from your original post. BUT, if you read a little on here you can find several threads that basically start with some version of we got married because I/she was pregnant. A baby on the way, intended or not, is not a reason in and of itself to get married. The thing I would be most worried about is that knowing she has to make a choice and being invested in "getting married" as women often are that she'll just quash it to avoid blowing up the wedding and it will come back to life post nuptial. How you can tell the difference I don't know. I guess that's why I said it will ultimately be up to you decided if you're comfortable with it all. 

There are lots of others on this board with much more experience and qualification than me. They'll chime in - listen to them.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I went back and reread - two more thoughts I had below.



unknown11 said:


> ..do you want us or not...she said yes she does, but she was honest too in saying *she doesnt know if she can make herself feel that way about me again*,
> 
> This should set off massive warning bells. If she has to "make" herself, she will eventually fail.
> 
> ...


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Maybe you should let her see what life is like without you, maybe then she will realize what she has and drop her feelings for the OM.


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Also, how far along is she, and how long has this EA been going on for?

Can you please make you post into paragraphs from now on so it's easier to read and not so hard on the eyes.


----------



## unknown11 (Jun 7, 2011)

Sorry about the format, I'm trying this from my phone. Its weird the EA has kind of been going for a while, she was just ignorant to it. He's in an open relationship and he had propositioned her before and said basically "if it wasn't a proble we could". She declined but one day when we were talking about a 3some of our own, this got brought up and she told me about it. I freaked out and said she has to stop talking to him. She said he texts her about once a week and has been flirtacious (sp), but she did not want to ruin there friendship as it was rare he would flirt (or at least blatantly do it). Sshe said she didn't return compliments, so I trusted her and said "ok u don't have to make things weird with you 2, but if he does say something like "u looked good" or something again, she would have to tell him it was innapropriate and he had to stop. She was on board, all was good. So about a month ago she tells me she has lost all physical attraction to me and loves me like a family member. We thought maybe hormones from pregnancy (she is 16 weeks), but she said she is still attracted to other guys just not me, but that's the furthest thing from her mind, she just knows there's something wrong with us. If u think its looks also, I haven't let myself go in anyway, am only 26 and not to sound ****y, am much better looking than this guy. So we took a break and I moved out for a few weeks. The attraction hasn't returned but she mised me a lot and called me a lot, and said she feels optomistic that it can come back. Then like 2 days later, I was at the house getting ready to go out with her and some friends (through separation we had benn going on dates with eachother), and I couldn't find my phone, I went to grab hers and she snatched it real quick. I was like wtf there's something your not telling me. She immediately confessed it was this guy, and that they had been talking almost everyday since I moved out. I was pissed because she was letting me do nice things for her and telling me she was working at it, but then seeking his attention. And after some more questioning, she admitted they were both flirting with eachother and though they had never hung out or done anything, she was too embarrassed to show me the conversation. So to wrapo up, I told her that's bs to betray my trust cuz I said from the get go if you want out then leave. She freaked out and said she couldn't talk about it right now. She has had anxiety issues so I said " u have until morning, if you want us and want to fight for us, then I will give you the chance, but if not we are done. And that's how we got here. Again she says she will cut off all ties with him, but that still doesn't fix the non attraction. So we decided I'd move back in and basically give her a chance, and here we are
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unknown11 (Jun 7, 2011)

Also another quick tad of info, if stuff had been building to this for a while I would probably just walk away, but we bought a house in sep, engaged in dec, been together 7 years...she had been doing all wedding planning, bought her dress...the bam..which makes me think it could be hormones but she says there had been roots of this before the prgnancy...we had not been having a lot of sex, I would try and she wouldn't often be receptive...so I just thought "oh well were basically married, this iw what its like, we'll work it out...then she brought up the lack of sex, I told her I try and didn't think she wants it. She said she wants me to try harder and work her into the mood. So sweet for me, gave me the go ahead we were having sexx nightly foir about 3 weeks, and she said it was helping...but during that time she got pregnant, and sortly after that's when things errupted
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think she was trying to force herself to "do the right thing" and has failed miserably.

If you two think that a piece of paper will improve her feelings for you or yours for her, then you are in for a rude awakening AND legal complications.

I would shelve the marriage plans. at least for now.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Dude... you can't get married now- I hope you know that. Better to catch this now, and not have her tell you 1 or 2 years from now that it has turned physical. I'm just saying...


----------



## unknown11 (Jun 7, 2011)

Oh I know...the marriage is on total hold...we had pushed it back because the baby but ya I'm not rushing into anything...like I said I was ready to end it, so unless she gets back her feelings and says he's not an issue..she's not dumb either, now that its out in the open she wouldn't take that next step...sad part is tho, we basically are married..that piece of paper won't change anything...that's why its so wierd, she wanted the house and I hadn't even gotten her a ring yet...women are nuts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Well NOT having that piece of paper saved you from giving up that house, right. Honestly, by you saying she wanted the house already doesn't sound good at all. Tell me, would you have liked to give up that house, and seeing this guy coming in and out of it like it was his?.. I didn't think so.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Better you find out what she's really like now-you may very well be dodging a bullet here.


----------



## unknown11 (Jun 7, 2011)

No we just bought the house...when I said she wanted it I meant together...that was not even a year ago
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I love you like a family member? Total 180 except for baby stuff. And get a paternity test!


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Actually, 2x, I was going to ask about the paternity test too.


----------

