# My husband should have been a monk



## Deeda (Mar 17, 2013)

He was a bartender when I met him, now he’s an abstinent, health-crazed workaholic. I’m the best wife and business partner (we run a farm) he could have found—after him, I’m the hardest worker I know. Unlikely him, however, I recognize and try to accommodate the need for rest and leisure. He pays lip service to the idea but never stops working. Or passing judgment on everyone else.

We’ve been farming together for 7 years and have been married for 4. He also works a full time job as a janitor. Now we have two kids. If it weren’t for the kids, I’d leave him. We’ve been to counseling and communicate well, but I can’t be happy with the person he’s become, and I don’t see him changing. He’s never satisfied with what I feed the kids (a big insult for someone who grows and lovingly prepares everything she feeds her kids), he resents taking time off for holidays (the only time he'll ever take off), he can’t see the virtue in anything that isn’t sacrificial in some way. He’s completely devoted to his family, but only on his terms. From his perspective, compromising with me would mean sacrificing his principles. No one can relax around him. He should have been a monk. 

Maybe I could continue as his business partner and roommate for the next 16 years, until the kids are in college. We’re rational people and could probably grow accustomed to it. But I also have a passionate side that feels I deserve better.


----------



## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Print out your post and read it to him.


----------



## Deeda (Mar 17, 2013)

Reading it to him would definitely bring things to a new level, and he probably does need to know how desperate I feel. But I'm afraid he'll tell me I'm asking too much of him, that he can't change the essence of who he is, which is the truth.


----------



## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Probably? 

He needs to get a clue or eventually this will end your marriage. 

The truth is the vital ingredient.

Stop forecasting and being fearful of the thruth and your husband he is quickly losing his wife. Tell the truth. All of it.

Ask yourself if you would want to know he is on the verge of leaving you then follow the golden rule


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Deeda said:


> Maybe I could continue as his business partner and roommate for the next 16 years, until the kids are in college. We’re rational people and could probably grow accustomed to it. But I also have a passionate side that feels I deserve better.


No you won't. Not for 16 years. You will either be a shell of your former self after 16 years or you will at some point engage in self-destructive behavior. If he lives like a monk then he is forcing you to live like a nun. Anger and resentment will build and the household will become toxic. How healthy is THAT for the kids? How will that affect their future relationships? Kids do better in two parent households ... but they don't do better if that household is toxic, especially if what they learn is carried on into their adult lives.

You need to give everything you have to communicating these problems with him. I think I know the type so I'm not confident you will see results either but you have to give it a try. You cannot simply let the marriage fail because you are too afraid to tell the truth (unless he is abusive) or you just don't give it much chance of working. Marriage counseling would be another option you may have to try. Now, divorce ... or the threat of divorce ... might work if all else fails.


----------

