# He did it again



## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

I am broken, defeated, and so stupid. While I have been worrying about the past-he has been back at it in the present. 

I walked in from lunch and he was back on the porn site xnxx-is that just porn or dating as well. 

I know to some of you porn is no big deal-but that's what happened a year ago. I walked in on him doing porn (or more) and he swore that's all there was only to find out about three other women. He knows how fragile our relationship is-he swore he would never do anything to hurt me and now this. What do I do now?


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## DiamondsandRust (Jan 21, 2014)

he probably needs to find help, sounds like an addiction. If he is sexually active with you and still looking at porn, then something is wrong. other men look at porn when sex life isnt great and it's just a release. 

i'm not good at giving advice but that's just the way i see it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What did you discuss would be the impact of him breaking this condition?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

I don't know what to do-I keep drawing a line in the sand and then I erase it when he steps over it. He does not need to look at porn-I guess I need to get tested again. 

How can I find his history on his iPad?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And there's a big part of your problem. All you're doing is teaching him that your "boundaries" can be ignored safely. All he has to do is apologize and promise to try harder, and life goes on. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

I would say poor you but you are letting him walk all over you.

Why have you not filed?

Can you leave?

I can tell you this much, he doesn't give a sh!!t about your rules or boundaries as you do not enforce them.

Face up to your hard choices, leave or kick him out.

It is you alone who will keep getting hurt.


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## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

Can someone tell me what that web site is?


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## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

I have his phone and computer-how do I check it if his history is clean?


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

What website?


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

Go into history.

But better yet, look at a way out, your situation is not going to change even if you know exactly what he has been doing.


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## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

Xnxx


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

Big difference between porn and other women.

If they are on cam or chat or dating sites that is not porn.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Annesnerl said:


> I have his phone and computer-how do I check it if his history is clean?


Define "clean". Multiple browsers, deleting history, browsing in private mode... It's hard to verify. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Annesnerl said:


> Xnxx


Its just a "normal" porn site. I understand that people have different rules/views on what is considered acceptable with porn. SO I won go there. You need to be specific with the history of this. Has he had a PA/EA? Have you?? Do you guys have a normal sex life? How freaquently does he use porn? Is he addicted?? Does he need help???
Answer those questions and things will be more clear


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

Ok, is porn allowed within your terms in the boundaries?


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## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

It's such a long and painful story-I think you can find my old threads on here. He refused to let me in his office a year ago-wouldn't let me in wouldn't open the door. Back then he swore it was just porn-that was it-he would never do that with a live woman. Swore he'd never to porn again. About a week later, I find out he's in a relationship with another woman in another state-oh it's just Internet-emails-I would never do that with someone nearby. After a month of marriage counseling and bullying me into believing him I find out there are two other women-one he sees on a daily basis. Lots of emails-sex talk-plans about when they would meet. Of course he still dries meeting. He was diagnosed as bipolar and claimed this all happened because he was on cymbalta which spiked his sex drive. 

If that is true, he's on the right meds, he has an active sex life and he swears he would never do anything to hurt me again-what am I supposed to believe now? If he's back on porn is he also back with other women? How cn I possibly trust him again?


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

This sounds very painful for you. I am in the same boat. Over the years I have found all kinds of stuff. Then when you see adult friend matches in their email box and find adult pix on their web cam....it hurts pretty bad. This is when we were dating.

We've broken up over it in the past. 

Then after years of marriage? You get rewarded by stumbling upon cam sites and you see the time stamp is when you are right in the other room sleeping.

It sucks and they don't understand because its not happening to them. Don't minimize it. Its a real issue and it will happen again if you rug sweep, 100%.


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## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

The porn was just a small part of the other women-he had at least three sexual relationships and three emotional ones. I really thought he was just lying about the past-not the present too. He is bipolar and has an addictive personality-alcohol and tobacco are things I'm used to-I can't handle the porn and other women. 

It looks like he was in a private browser-and he has his history turned off on everything.


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## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

I just found an active Be Naughty account he updated last week and several saved porn videos. Apparently, his browser was listed as private.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

anne..... i would try to differentiate the porn vs. the other women. My H is also obsessive....but there is a LINE. You have to have a bottom line.


What is it for you, a physical affair? For me, its easy.....if they can meet in person, it isnt porn, its other people. What is your line?

You are all wound up and i KNOW THE FEELING. What do you want? How many episodes have there been? A lot? Too many to count? 

Please draw a line. There is so much going on it all bleeds together after a while. I was against porn, but I had to let that go to find my line. What my H was doing was far beyond porn.

You've got to know where you stand to take a stand. I know its hard but it seems your H has crossed the big line.....the one from fantasy into reality.

The reality is your marriage and ultimately, your life. Think very hard on your line, then draw it out for him. Don't do it if you can be manipulated out of it, draw it for reals, when you are in a very calm frame of mind.

Please take care.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Anne - please forgive me if I have missed the point here....

Looking at porn on the internet is one thing....flirting, having an EA one on one with a woman on the internet is something completely different.

If he is 'just' looking at porn then its something alot of men do. However, as other posters have said it comes down to what the two of you feel is 'acceptable' behaviour.

If you have said that you are OK (reluctantly) that he looks at porn but nothing else, ie no interaction etc but then he does interact, you HAVE to stick to your line in the sand.

If you keep on moving the line then he won't know where he stands etc.

Draw your line and stick to it. What you do when he crosses that line is up to you....

Good luck


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## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

Last year I caught him looking at porn-since he was so super religious it came as a big shock. This discovery led me to learn that he was on online dating sites had relationships with six other women-two of which I'm pretty sure were PA's. He knew porn was unacceptable-he swore on a bible and his mother's grave he wouldn't do it again. 

Well, now I know he is looking at it again-an hour after we leave his therapist that we just told everything was great-he cancelled lunch with our children to go back to the office and look at porn. I found another dating site in his phone. No, it's not acceptable-if he has an addiction he should face it. If I'm not meeting his needs-he should tell me. Lying to me and doing all of this behind my back is just not fair. I forgave him the past thinking we had a future-I guess I was just being stupid once again.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Be firm.


Pack his bags and tell him to leave. You will call him when or if you are ready to talk. Otherwise you want no contact from him.

That will give you time to think.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Be firm.
> 
> 
> Pack his bags and tell him to leave. You will call him when or if you are ready to talk. Otherwise you want no contact from him.
> ...


If only I could like this a million times!!!

Sorry but what are you looking for exactly?

What are you going to do when you find it?

Can you not read some of the posts so far and see the messages there in? I see a woman wanting and praying for this to be just looking at porn but you have already stated he has pushed the boundaries and you just simply reset them :scratchhead:

If you need proof then fair enough but start facing up to the fact that he does not respect you and you need to start thinking about life without him.


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## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

We're separated again. My counselor told me to have firm no contact rules for a few days until I can decompress. He was calling my phone every 30 minutes asking if I had decided, accusing me of never loving him and when I finally turned it off to get some sleep -he accused me of being in a lawyers office. 

So-where does that leave us? He cheated a lot a year ago-got caught -swore up and done he'd never hurt me again and yet here we are a year later and he's looking at porn again during lunch and who knows how often. He claims its not the same-no local women that I know about-and that he can quit the porn. He's completely remorseful now and swears-again he'll never hurt me-again. He's so much nicer to me now-and can't believe I would give up where we are for this. But where are we-is this just a bump in the road? Will I ever be enough for him? Is he a sex addict-is that treatable?

And finally-is the grass really greener on the other side? My children are in a very expensive school which we won't be able to afford if we separate-is this better for them? How lonely will I be at home wondering what he is doing and who he's with?

What do you guys think? Was it more painful to stay or to leave? How many chances do you give them?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Oh dear, it is not about what we think because so many of us have had enough of players who think they can bend and change the rules to suit themselves it is almost untrue.

You are putting material things in front of you and you are looking for reasons to stay together, you say he cheated a bunch a year ago? Why?

What actually caused your H to commit adultery? How much councilling have you had and have you both been to MC to try to work on the issues?

*What boundaries have you previously put in place that he has stepped over?*

The bold question is very important to give us a few hints at what you have asked and what he has decided doesn't matter.


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## srhgsfjd (Feb 1, 2014)

I am broken, defeated, and so stupid.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is he using porn to escape reality? 

Is he depressed? I am glad that you have a counselor. 

I agree with the NC, but this sounds like more than just porn. He has had actual affairs. (at least it seems like he has)

Does he know what he is about to lose? 

Sorry that you are having this rotten experience. You have too much stress right now. It is hard to think clearly. You do need to have firm boundaries with him. (if you stay) 

Continue with the NC and do something for you and your kids, something fun. The broken heart can't deal with all the trauma and think clearly at the same time.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Your kids will be fine in a different school. Mine was actually happier. Met a nicer group of non-snobby kids, too.

You can't answer questions about your husband's issues. He has to do that. If he were so interested in doing so, he would have booked a therapist. 

If you divorce him, why would you wonder who he was with or what he was doing? You can stay married and do that! 

Leaving him should be about you freeing yourself - your heart and mind - from concern over his unworthy behaviour.

What we are seeing is that being with him has damaged you. Finding your strength and your spirit again needs to be put at the top of the priority list.

Thought about therapy for yourself?

What do you do for fun? Hobbies?


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## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

It's hard to make a decision when what I want to do will harm my children. Pulling my son out his senior year just seems so unfair. The other problem is that I work for him and manage the finances. He is not financially responsible. He used to work for a firm and then became a solo practitioner-within two years we had to declare bankruptcy and I had to hire a babysitter and become his secretary. I'm not being materialistic-I am being realistic about the ramifications of a divorce. Mentally, we would all be better-financially, we won't. Unlike my husband, I place my children and their happiness before my own. I am actually a normally "up" person. I spent the last year showing them that if I could forgive him-then so should they. I was his biggest cheerleader-which is why I feel stupid. 

I think the bigger issue for me is that I had grown to trust him again and didn't realize it-he's destroyed that yet again. He's destroyed our past and now our future. 

Our no contact ends tomorrow. I told him I wanted full disclosure with no minimizing and what he plans to do to fix this. If he refuses counseling-the discussion will be over for me. If he agrees-it will definitely be a difficult battle-last year-I still loved him-this year I hate him for what he has put me and our children through. Not sure if he can overcome this or not. 

I'm staying busy-I've attended four soccer games and gotten my children ready for their winter formal. I have control over what I'm feeling-and will base my decision on what he says tomorrow...


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Annesnerl said:


> It's hard to make a decision when what I want to do will harm my children. Pulling my son out his senior year just seems so unfair. The other problem is that I work for him and manage the finances. He is not financially responsible. He used to work for a firm and then became a solo practitioner-within two years we had to declare bankruptcy and I had to hire a babysitter and become his secretary. I'm not being materialistic-I am being realistic about the ramifications of a divorce. Mentally, we would all be better-financially, we won't. Unlike my husband, I place my children and their happiness before my own. I am actually a normally "up" person. I spent the last year showing them that if I could forgive him-then so should they. I was his biggest cheerleader-which is why I feel stupid.
> 
> I think the bigger issue for me is that I had grown to trust him again and didn't realize it-he's destroyed that yet again. He's destroyed our past and now our future.
> 
> ...


anne stay focused on your goals, stay strong and listen, i dont know what else to say except that dont waiver on your bottom line. Separate the porn from the actual women, stay focused on what you want and what you need to go forward.

my heart goes out to you, please take care of yourself, no matter how this turns out...working with the kids on their activities is good, they will need you no matter the outcome, i know its hard when your heart is breaking

i hope things go well for you tomorrow


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

So keep your son in for his last year but move the others.

Your children will be impacted but they are resilient. You will not wreck them for life.

My oldest told me she wouldn't change anything because those experiences molded her and she likes who she has become. It was challenging at times but if you talk honestly with the kids they will understand and grow.

The fact your h isn't financially responsible either says he has some impulse control issues. Not great husband material.


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