# New baby, 3rd kid, wife struggling



## Reichertsclan (Nov 5, 2015)

Last week, my wife and I had our third baby. In our heads, the transition would be smooth along with some expected bumps. As with the last 2, my wife had some issues nursing which greatly affects her self-worth. We have to supplement with bottles, which she hates. However, the plus side is that we can feed in front of the kids or I can help with bottles. 

My other two kids are boys, 6 and 4 years old. High maintenance, high energy ages. We have the normal struggles with having a first grader like getting him to do homework, etc. It has been much harder on my wife than I thought it would be. She has been very short tempered or just despondent with our other boys, and with me also. I have tried so much to help out around the house. When she came back from the hospital I cleaned it really well, got her really nice flowers, etc. 

I have told her she can wake me in the night to help with the baby, but she doesn't. I have tried to be proactive about chores, cooking dinner, but it isn't enough. I have tried. I really have, and every time I try to be the best I can possibly be, it always ends up not being good enough. Last night, she was despondent all night, so I gave her space. In the middle of the night, I was awakened with the baby crying, so I tried to help in which she said "She doesn't want my help", which led to a whole argument in which I admit I was very unpleasant and used some bad words. She discredited every single thing I have done, saying I wasn't there for her even though I took an entire week off work, spend every moment I could with her in the hospital, spend every moment of the week cleaning or running around with the kids. She accused me of being gone too long with the kids while I was trying to pick up things for the new baby, but at the same time we also agreed I would do more and leave her home so she could be with the baby. 

Now, I understand there are some other issues going on within her and she is just using me to lash out on. I spend one hour per day working out at home, while watching the kids, but she hates that also. I literally do not have friends that I see on a regular basis except a few I meet for drinks like a few times a year. I spend every moment at home. I don't watch sports, I don't drink heavily. I am just at a loss.

After our firstborn she had an affair on me when the baby was 9 months, to which I stood by her for after she did "all the right things" to end it and repair the relationship. I have a couple camping trips with guys only that I go on twice a year and she freaks out that go on those. On the other hand, I have always encouraged her to go out with her friends. She is a SAHM and I know she needs to get out but she just doesn't. 

I feel like I am whining here, and I probably am not the one to be whining after my wife is recovering from both having a baby without an epidural and then having her tubes tied the next day. I understand that she is in a lot of pain, and I really am doing everything I can do be a good husband and father, but then she ends up going off about every single thing from having to carry a load of laundry upstairs, or not doing enough homework with the kids. I am whining, and she is suffering...I get that..but when the hell do I get to be heard? I have stood by this woman for 15 years through infidelity and much more and it's never enough. She dotes on me one minute, sends me love notes, etc, and then then next minute she is snapping at me saying I'm a failure and never am there for her. She encourages me to have some "me" time, which is working out, a rare trip to the bar with a couple friends, or a yearly camping trip, then uses it against me in the next fight saying I'm not choosing her first. 

I have told her to please tell me what she needs from me, that I'm not a mind reader. I have done everything asked without complaint, and eagerly in many cases. I want to feel like I'm helping, but instead she gave me a list of literally 10 or so things from the last week that I should have done that I didn't...from vaccuming to reading more books with the older kids. 

Maybe I'm just venting. My original intent was to come here and ask how to be there more for her during these hard times, but as I started typing, I started getting more upset. I feel that emotionally I am detaching from her just a little more each time she tells me how unappreciative she is of me. I said some bad things last night to her, and I don't want to put out the impression that I am innocent, but I am starting to just emotionally fall away from the whole thing....I feel like I should just smile to her face and then do the best I can with my kids and detach from her. I feel that I am a good catch. I work hard, I am motivated, fit, I am a good father, I don't drink heavily or watch too much tv or play video games. We do everything together and when she is happy, I enjoy it. I don't want our marriage to go down the tubes after all of these years, but I am so unbelievably tired of being told I'm not enough for her. Overall, she is a fantastic mother, and she generally treats me very well, and in many ways I find myself a lucky man, but I can't help but feel more and more manipulated and emotionally abused...any help is appreciated. Maybe I just need to lock it up and roll with the punches..I don't know.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I am not sure you need to be more there for her but to reset her unrealistic expectations. She is using you as a punching bag for no good reason. Have her doc check her for PPD. If clear, sit her down and say look, I am doing the best I can. If you have concrete things you need me to do differently, I am all ears. But I am busting my hump here, so cut it with the nastiness.

And... after a few months have gone by and you don't have a brand new baby, read No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Two books...
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

http://www.amazon.com/The-Married-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

She needs to go see her ob/gyn, her hormones are probably off and she has the baby blues(PPD). Maybe, that is why she is acting out. 

You are both tired and grumpy. Is there any friends or family members to help out?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

It really sounds like she has post-partum depression. I would urge her to see her obgyn to be checked, so that you can have a plan of action going forward to help her through this. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...t-do-when-your-wife-has-postpartum-depression

6 Dads Tell All About Helping Their Wives Get Through Postpartum Depression - Postpartum Progress

It's tough to go through for her and for you. This is a hormonal issue and she doesn't like this either. You definitely should be there for her, but make sure to set healthy boundaries so that you are not her punching bag. Please do not do the "No More Mr. Nice Guy". This is a medical issue you are dealing with, not someone who just chose to treat you poorly. That is very different. 

Also, has your wife seen a lactation consultant? They can trouble shoot latch issue, supply issue, tongue and/or lip tie issues, and so on. This website also has good information for breastfeeding: 

KellyMom.com : Breastfeeding Challenges in the Early Days (Resources)

In regards to breastfeeding and your older children, I don't see why she can't just breastfeed in front of your sons. I think it would be very good for them to see, to know that is what breasts are designed for, to feed babies.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, is the baby sleeping next to your wife?

My wife and I have 5 kids, all breastfed. For the first one, my wife got up each time my daughter wanted to nurse. After a month of that, my wife was beyond exhausted. The night we brought our daughter in our bed, everything changed because sleep was again possible.

If she is not comfortable with the baby in the bed, can you attach a little bed next to yours? You wife would at least not need to get up.

The baby is only a week old, be patient. It is just tough for her right now. Think of what she had to go through to birth this baby. You have it easy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Should've dumped her after discovering the post-first kid affair.

Oh well...


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

We adopted twins (boy and girl) over four years ago at birth. First nine months were rough but OK. From about nine months to about two years, my wife was a raging *****. I did nothing right. Constant complaining that diapers weren't being changed correctly, not preparing their food correctly, not taking the trash out correctly. Missing a parking spot would cause a nuclear explosion. I'd have them all day and be fine - next day she'd have them for an hour and I'd get hell because I was at work and not home to help her (even though I was an idiot and she was SuperMom - go figure). 

Hang in there - I learned to bite back when she got out of line (still don't do this enough but things are better). As others have said, her hormones are probably out of whack. If this keeps up, then she needs an intervention. However, at one week, she's totally exhausted, and it's amazing how babies can just take over your life. I can't imagine a newborn with two older siblings - that's rough.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

i have two kids (7 and 3), and i feel pretty stressed. cooking, cleaning, making meals, trying to keep up with the oldests homework and tests. Plus the monotony. It really grinds at you. every day is the same, with the same old chores. i put the same toys away over and over and over. I've been at home for the last year, but have always worked before. If we were having another right now? i think it would put me over the edge.
interrupted sleep really catches you when you have older kids. you can no longer sleep when the baby sleeps.
every time you sit down to eat someone needs you.
if she's breastfeeding, she's likely to be going through some hormone surges. 
So when our youngest was born, my oldest was almost 4. She's a high energy child who doesn't like being stuck indoors. I experienced all of these for the first 6 weeks: the feeling of being touched out, hair falling out, lochia, milk coming in, blisters/poor latch problems, struggle to keep up a milk supply, sleep deprivation, hot flashes, and aftereffects of recently giving birth like soreness and discomfort, and i had stitches. And i felt like a really bad mom to my oldest, for at least the first 2 months until i got my act together and could fit into my old clothes and get out of the house.

so if she's having ppd on top of that....

My husband would always offer to get up with the baby in the night too. not so helpful with a breastfeeding newborn. in order to keep up supply, you have to keep trying, or your body will struggle and make you even more tired. i needed his help with the baby in the day time or evening. i needed everything to stay quiet when i got up with baby so that our preschooler would stay asleep.

so. during this time, i probably wasn't nice to anyone in my path. i'm normally a peaceful person. i don't like fighting. but something about not sleeping turns everything into a yelling match for me. The inability to make enough breastmilk was the biggest thing for me. The feelings of inadequacy, the knowledge that if you supplement, it's a vicious cycle. a woman's body acknowledges less demand and makes less. so supplementing means supplementing more and more over time, until it's over and you make nothing.

with my second, i found fenugreek supplements and mother's tea. i bought a case of the tea on amazon, and it solved a TON of my stress/breastfeeding related problems. you can buy it anywhere, i've seen it in the health food store and in the tea section at the grocery store. but here's the link for 
amazon

So i know i just wrote you a novel. And with 3 of your own, i'm sure you already knew some of that. And i'm in no way saying that it's ok for her to be unkind to you or your boys. But having kids wasn't easy for me, and Mr.68 doesn't know how to be supportive or nice, so i empathize with both of you. Good luck to you.


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