# 11 years married. Sex is great, but he won't make time to spend with me or kids



## wimaine

This has been an issue for a while. I can't say exactly how long, because it's one of those things that you just realize one day is an issue that's really bothering you under your skin. That day, for me, was a few years ago. 

We have 2 kids -- my 15yo ds from a previous marriage, and an 11yo ds together. The 15 year old has never been close to him. That's an issue, but for another day. The 11 year old, though, adores him. Well... maybe adored. He loves to build things with his dad, and has asked many, many times on a weekend to spend time with him doing that, and my husband says "Sure, in a little while." My son actually used the words to me, "A little while never gets here, so I just gave up asking." It broke my heart. I told my husband that, and it hit him pretty hard. He hadn't realized it was a problem. He sorta made an effort for a while, but nothing major, and now it's like it never came up. I've mentioned it again a few times, and I know he has good intentions, but they never become more than intentions. 

Same thing with the marriage relationship. The way I put it to him most recently is that I'm plain old LONELY in our marriage. I need him to show that I matter more than even one thing. What he'll do is to make a token "effort" (that really does belong in quotation marks). For example, I'll tell him I'd like some time to just talk and be grown ups -- just spend time alone in any way, really -- and he'll say we'll do it when the kids are in bed. I wait, but eventually fall asleep. Can't help it. (I do tell him to wake me up sometimes.) He comes in, sees I'm sleeping, and then says well, since you were sleeping I figured you didn't want it. The kicker on that part -- in his mind that's the one and only effort necessary. I have, in his mind, chosen at least once not to spend time, and so, hey, he tried.... He actually says that in our discussions about this.

He's really busy at work. His job demands a lot of hours. I get that, and so do the kids. What none of us (the kids or me) can really get is why, when he does have spare time, does he spend it (hours) on the internet, just surfing. I know he's just doing it for recreation, and so do the kids. It makes all of us feel like EVERYTHING in the world is more important than we are. I could live with (not agree with, but live with) the priority on his job, and even on household tasks that need to be done, but after he's taken care of those... it's time for his surfing or tv shows. 

He and I can talk. We are intimate, have a great physical relationship, are completely committed and truly love each other. But I don't know what to do to get him to open his eyes.


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## Hicks

He works a demanding job with alot of hours. He does this for the benefit of you and your kids. That's how a man shows that his wife and kids are what matter more than all other things. The problem is he is transmitting on a different frequency than you and the kids are receiving. Not that he doesn't care, it's that he does not realize that he is showing it in the wrong way.


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## Plan 9 from OS

I used to be more like your husband. For me, the true root cause was that I was sick for about 3-5 years. I was overweight (still am, but working away at it) and I had an issue with gout which affected my feet and knees. I was a sad case and was very inactive due to the pain. Had to get arthroscopic surgery to fix a torn meniscus - which was probably caused by some pretty large gout crystals floating around in my knee. Today, I'm a lot slimmer than I was plus a lot more active. I also no longer use the internet on a regular basis unless the rest of the family is content to have alone time or I see lulls during the work day. I'm more involved with my kids and especially more engaged with spending quality time with my wife. 

Maybe your husband is battling his own health and weight issues that is resulting in him withdrawing from everyone and not getting active?


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## wimaine

I do know he goes through the crap at work mostly for us. I do understand that he doesn't realize what he's doing wrong. But if telling him that his kid actually said that he's given up on dad doesn't wake him up, I don't know what will. That's the problem... How do I get him to understand?

No on the weight thing. He's not fat at all.


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## norajane

Tell him you'd rather he find another job with less hours and stress (and less money) than for him to be so disconnected with the family. These days, years, never come around again.


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## EleGirl

Are you a stay at home mom (SAHM)?

How many hours a week does your husband work?


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## Hicks

The first step in getting him to understand is getting you to understand.


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## jld

Hicks said:


> The first step in getting him to understand is getting you to understand.


Could you elaborate on that, please?


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## jld

Wimaine, I am in a similar situation, though it does not seem to bother the kids that their dad is away a lot. He makes efforts to stay in touch, and spends time with them when he is home. 

I just try to always communicate as much as I can with dh. I am always sharing my heart with him, just being as transparent as I can be. There have been times in our marriage when I just threw up my hands, and figured it was hopeless to try to get through to him. 

But all that communication was not wasted. Eventually dh seems to come around, even if it takes a few years.

Please just keep sharing your heart with him. Keep having great sex. Please keep expressing appreciation for all he is, and all he does for you. Keep seeking him. I do think his working so hard is his way of showing love for you and the kids. Please honor that, along with being as transparent as you can be with him. It can only make your family's life better.

Are you familiar with Active Listening?


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## SimplyAmorous

norajane said:


> Tell him you'd rather he find another job with less hours and stress (and less money) than for him to be so disconnected with the family. These days, years, never come around again.


In today's society, with Good jobs so hard to come by .. this is not always so easy to do..

I am wondering what has changed , you mentioned "a few yrs ago" in your opening post ...

Was this when his hours picked up , or he got a new Job... was you & he fighting more around this time...possible unresolved issues between the 2 of you? 

What did you have then, that has been eaten NOW.. is the time available less.. or has his interests shifted ..from you & his son(s) to his throwing himself into cyberspace /TV....and you are just trying to figure out *WHY*...the underlying "escape" from the closeness you once shared.


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## Yeswecan

I was similar to your situation for years. Work seemed more important to me because it provided shelter, food and bills paid at our home. To me, this was showing love. Is some respects it does. However, it is not physical love. Work and home need to be separate. Took me some time to leave work at work. I never bring my work home if I can help it. Also, we found a common hobby. Planting flowers and shopping at curio stores. Just being together. Without a common interest it is hard to spend quality time. Once we found a hobby and started really filling each others emotional needs did I realize I don't want to be anywhere else then with my wife.


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## Bobby5000

You have a right to talk with your husband and try to get some changes. Try to do so within these parameters

Use a compliment sandwich, saying nice things before and after. Use the "nice voice", many women have two voices, a pleasant, somewhat feminine, mildly flirty voice, and then a tough somewhat sarcastic, voice indicating annoyance they use with their husbands. Try to be gentle. 

Make the discussions you seek pleasant and if you want to talk, try not to have the talk involve things he did wrong. Wives can be self-critical but that doesn't mean we want them criticizing us.


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## Rayloveshiswife

The job is a lousy excuse. I work 60+ hours a week and have plenty of time for my family. Why, because it's a priority to me. 

You say he spends a lot of time surfing the Internet, what's he surfing? Porn comes to mind, it's what most men surf. 

I'd get his attention by setting a password on the computer so he can't use it. He'll be pissed, but you'll have his attention. 

Ray


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## 66impala

Do you know what type of childhood your husband had growing up.

Reason I say this is because I was brought up in a alcoholic home. Mom drank and dad ran his businesses. I dont remember being hugged or kissed growing up, no baseball games or catch ect. 

I got married and we have three children, I was emotionally empty for them. I could do the mechanics of being a dad. Go to games, do family trips ect. I was physically there only. Kids are 24,19 and 17 now and I still have a very hard time hugging and saying I love you. I am Broke inside, I do work on it thru meetings I go to at church. 

I always tried to fill my wifes glass with attention, that I seemed to know how to do, hoping it will spill over onto the kids.

I do make a good amount of time for my wife now, last nite we played scrabble. Its not on the top of my things to do, but now I know its the time spent together that matters the most.

Try to convince him to limit his internet time, its addictive regardless of what web sites he is on. I love ebay and craigslist.


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