# Don’t know what to do



## Yosemiteville (Sep 27, 2021)

Married for ten years. We are 35 years old .My husband and I had a blow about a month ago. It started over him not being able to pay the bills and later found out he was being flirtatious with a co worker. After he was confronted , he lashed out and said he never wanted this family life. Never wanted kids and a family, this was just expected form him and so he did it. He felt obligated to marry me after being with me for so long . He said he doesn’t know how he feels about me, can’t remember when we he last loved me , I’m not fun anymore and doesn’t recognize me anymore. He doesn’t want help , he pretty much wants to leave but doesn’t cause a) doesn’t have the money/ doesn’t know where to go and b) says he has responsibilities . He holds onto resentment from the past and used that to justify his reasons for stepping out of the relationship. He said we never really connected .He barely engages with the kids . At one point he says he wants to take care of us another is he wants out. He says I’ve abandoned him financially before which I apologized and try to fix. He’s worried about what others think and keeps asking me who knows about their situation even tho he keeps saying he does care for those people . He seems like his image is so important in other eyes.. I’m confused … we basically are room mates now . He says he feels guilty and sad? Does not want marriage counseling. Doesn’t see how it’ll help, he doesn’t know how he can go back to normal after such a blow out …what does he want… any insight would be helpful.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Why do you think he is only being flirtatious and hasn't taken it further? Acting like this is possibly because of his interest in or involvement with the co-worker.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Yosemiteville said:


> Married for ten years. We are 35 years old .My husband and I had a blow about a month ago. It started over him not being able to pay the bills and later found out he was being flirtatious with a co worker. After he was confronted , he lashed out and said he never wanted this family life. Never wanted kids and a family, this was just expected form him and so he did it. He felt obligated to marry me after being with me for so long . He said he doesn’t know how he feels about me, can’t remember when we he last loved me , I’m not fun anymore and doesn’t recognize me anymore. *He doesn’t want help , he pretty much wants to leave *but doesn’t cause a) doesn’t have the money/ doesn’t know where to go and b) says he has responsibilities . He holds onto resentment from the past and used that to justify his reasons for stepping out of the relationship. He said we never really connected .He barely engages with the kids . At one point he says he wants to take care of us another is he wants out. I’m confused … we basically are room mates now . He says he feels guilty and sad?…*what does he want…* any insight would be helpful.


He told you what he wants. He wants to leave. He just doesn't feel like paying the financial consequences. You can bet if he had more money, enough to afford a life on his own and not feel guilty about abandoning you and the kids, he'd be gone.

Now, perhaps he said this in anger and feeling bad about the bill situation, and it's not what he really feels, but it sounds like he feels trapped and sees no good way out.

It's an awful way to live, for both of you.

What do you want? Is it realistic?


----------



## Yosemiteville (Sep 27, 2021)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> He told you what he wants. He wants to leave. He just doesn't feel like paying the financial consequences. You can bet if he had more money, enough to afford a life on his own and not feel guilty about abandoning you and the kids, he'd be gone.
> 
> Now, perhaps he said this in anger and feeling bad about the bill situation, and it's not what he really feels, but it sounds like he feels trapped and sees no good way out.
> 
> ...





bobert said:


> Why do you think he is only being flirtatious and hasn't taken it further? Acting like this is possibly because of his interest in or involvement with the co-worker.


Because he said nothing has happened YET


----------



## Yosemiteville (Sep 27, 2021)

Yosemiteville said:


> Because he said nothing has happened YET





Yosemiteville said:


> Because he said nothing has happened YET


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Yosemiteville said:


> Because he said nothing has happened YET


You really can't (and shouldn't) trust what he says about that. 

Has nothing happened yet as in they hadn't progressed that far and he's stopped. Or was he saying that he is still planning on progressing the affair?


----------



## Yosemiteville (Sep 27, 2021)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> He told you what he wants. He wants to leave. He just doesn't feel like paying the financial consequences. You can bet if he had more money, enough to afford a life on his own and not feel guilty about abandoning you and the kids, he'd be gone.
> 
> Now, perhaps he said this in anger and feeling bad about the bill situation, and it's not what he really feels, but it sounds like he feels trapped and sees no good way out.
> 
> ...


I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I just can’t figure out how to start over somewhere else since I’m so invested in this and he seems unsure


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am sorry that you find yourself here under these conditions, may I ask a couple more questions...
How many kids do both of you have? 
What is this financial issue you noted?
Can you tell me when did you start seeing a change in him?
Do you know any more about this coworker?
What is the state of your fiance?
Can you tell us a little more about how you both met?
Do you know anything about his upbringing? 

You husband needs individual counseling, he seems to trying to justify his guilt on to you....


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Where is his money going? Do you have combined finances?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'd let him go. My guess is there's another woman in the wings. Even if there's not someone else, why stay with someone who talks to you this way? JMO


----------



## Yosemiteville (Sep 27, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I am sorry that you find yourself here under these conditions, may I ask a couple more questions...
> How many kids do both of you have?
> What is this financial issue you noted?
> Can you tell me when did you start seeing a change in him?
> ...



We have two little kids under 5.
He felt like the finances split was imbalanced which made him broke. I think he just mis managed but I paid of his loan so we can start off free
I saw a change since he started smoking week about a year ago but really saw a change when he couldn’t make ends meet and thought what the part of working on anything
I just know that she use to confide in him because she couldn’t find a decent man and would talk to him about her sexual adventures with other men. They flirted on social media 
We met in college
He was raised by babysitter and dad was the mom figure . Mom was not really hands on.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Yosemiteville said:


> I just know that she use to confide in him because she couldn’t find a decent man and would talk to him about her sexual adventures with other men. They flirted on social media


So what do you plan to do with ^^this^^ information? 

Did the two of you sit down, look at the $$ you bring in versus the $$ you pay out? Why does he consider the financial contribution you both make "unbalanced"? Lots of info lacking in your response. So he has money to smoke pot, but can't pay the bills? Is that's what you are indicating?


----------

