# Wife sending me messsages through the kids?



## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Anyone else experience this? My wife keeps running down her bf in front of the kids. She complains constantly about her life now ( no money, terrible house, has to do all the housework, cooking, laundry, he's not working blah, blah, blah) . They , of course, come home and tell me. Is this the plan? And to what end?


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

KRinOnt said:


> Anyone else experience this? My wife keeps running down her bf in front of the kids. She complains constantly about her life now ( no money, terrible house, has to do all the housework, cooking, laundry, he's not working blah, blah, blah) . They , of course, come home and tell me. Is this the plan? And to what end?


I don't think she is....if she's fighting with him in front of the kids about said issues....

If she is running him down in his absence....maybe....but I think she is just venting....

Either way....I think this is a good thing :FIREdevil: ....seems like the grass isn't always greener ...

Maybe she'll come around now ???

Do you still have contact with her ???


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

She only does this when he's not there. My kids won't have anything to do with him and refuse to go to her house. Yes, I talk to/see her all the time. We live only a few kilometers apart.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

agree with rome, it may be her way of telling you she wants to be back with you, but she is to proud to actually say so.

But,seeing as I don't know your W from a blad of grass, I may be completely wrong !


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> agree with rome, it may be her way of telling you she wants to be back with you, but she is to proud to actually say so.
> 
> But,seeing as I don't know your W from a blad of grass, I may be completely wrong !


I have brought up the idea of reconciliation twice in recent weeks to no response. None at all. She'll talk about other things, but acts like the offer was never made. Then she goes back to the complaining. My therapist thinks she is deliberately doing it so the kids will tell me, but I don't know why. I took the hint and responded...but nothing. I'm perplexed.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

She just needs confirmation you are willing to be her "plan b" if things don't work out with the other guy. 

Each time you offer to be "plan b" you lower her opinion of you. If she wants to come back - she is capable of actually saying the words. In the meantime you continue to be amazingly easy for her to manipulate. Women desire equals - not puppets.





KRinOnt said:


> I have brought up the idea of reconciliation twice in recent weeks to no response. None at all. She'll talk about other things, but acts like the offer was never made. Then she goes back to the complaining. My therapist thinks she is deliberately doing it so the kids will tell me, but I don't know why. I took the hint and responded...but nothing. I'm perplexed.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

KRinOnt said:


> I have brought up the idea of reconciliation twice in recent weeks to no response.


OK, now leave it at that, she knows, but probably doesn't know how to respond, even if that is what she wants.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> She just needs confirmation you are willing to be her "plan b" if things don't work out with the other guy.
> 
> Each time you offer to be "plan b" you lower her opinion of you. If she wants to come back - she is capable of actually saying the words. In the meantime you continue to be amazingly easy for her to manipulate. Women desire equals - not puppets.


I agree.. My H, makes comments to me, to reel me in.. I think this is just to keep me sweet, so if and when he decides he's had enough he can just come on home ... :scratchhead:


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

update:

My wife kicked her bf out of the house this past weekend. He hasn't worked for 3 1/2 months and hadn't given her one dime for rent, utilities or groceries. She finally saw him for the slug he is. Unfortunately she has now been given an eviction notice. She has nowhere to go but her Dad's. She's completely broke having cashed in her Savings Bonds and maxed out her credit card trying to pay the rent and expenses.
She doesn't want anyone to know, butthe one eprson she told was my oldest stepson ( her 24 year old who I've rasied since he was 2 ) and he came to me immediately. Apparently she wants to come home but is too ashamed and guilt ridden to ask me. 
I invited her to the house for dinner this fri as it's our daughter's 14th birthday. She accepted with no hesitation. I'm hoping this is the beginning of something very positive. SHE'S OUT OF THE FOG!!!!!


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

Crossing my fingers for you! Can't wait to see how dinner goes =)


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

OH, good news! Hoping the fog is clearing, but do you want her back? Keep us updated.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is her request through them for you to step up and once again offer to be her "plan B". EACH TIME you do that you lower her respect for you. No woman wants a guy who is willing to be her partner of last resort. Because that means you don't have a whole lot of self respect. You cannot seriously expect her to respect you more than you respect yourself. 





KRinOnt said:


> Anyone else experience this? My wife keeps running down her bf in front of the kids. She complains constantly about her life now ( no money, terrible house, has to do all the housework, cooking, laundry, he's not working blah, blah, blah) . They , of course, come home and tell me. Is this the plan? And to what end?


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> This is her request through them for you to step up and once again offer to be her "plan B". EACH TIME you do that you lower her respect for you. No woman wants a guy who is willing to be her partner of last resort. Because that means you don't have a whole lot of self respect. You cannot seriously expect her to respect you more than you respect yourself.


Gee thanks. You're a real ray of sunshine ya know that?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Point being KR,

Do you want her to choose you because she wants to be with you, or do you want her to choose you because she simply has no other choice?

If she isn't making the request, or apologizing profusely, I don't know how sincere wanting to get back together can be. Although I don't doubt for a moment that she would be thrilled to have you suggest it, and help her get back on her feet.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

OK OK - I know you are excited. I know you are happy. I know how strongly you want this to work. 

Let me ask you something. WHY are you trying to help her avoid feeling embarrassed? Seriously? She SHOULD feel embarrassed. She SHOULD be ashamed. Why are you still trying to "sell her" on you? Do you not get that until she deals with some rough consequences and actually recognizes she has to come to you and - gasp - apologize for being cruel to you - you have ZERO chance of being anything other than a temporary place for her to stay. With an eager beaver ex who wants to show her just how nice he is. If she really wanted NICE you think she would have stayed with the OM so long? 

She wants edge and you keep giving her fluffy sweet love. 





KRinOnt said:


> Gee thanks. You're a real ray of sunshine ya know that?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

KRinOnt said:


> I have brought up the idea of reconciliation twice in recent weeks to no response. None at all. She'll talk about other things, but acts like the offer was never made. Then she goes back to the complaining. My therapist thinks she is deliberately doing it so the kids will tell me, but I don't know why. I took the hint and responded...but nothing. I'm perplexed.


better than a flat out no...


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

My wife just left after spending 4+ hours with me and the kids. It was remarkably comfortable. We talked about each other's work like old times. The kids laughed. My son was the most vocal he's been in months. She's coming over again on Monday night.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I hope it is real...

for me it is, was, and apparently always will be...
a trap... 
get the axe
I am realizing I may have to cut off a hand to get away 
and that if I do... it may be worth it...


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

She came by after her work today. Apparently she waited in a park near our house for 2 hours til I got off work before coming over. I guess she has nothing to go home to. Anyway, I asked her to stay for supper and she did, then I did her taxes for her. She also picked up our daughter from school, took her bra shopping (thank God) and picked up our son from band practise. She finally informed me that she is moving into her Aunt's basement apt....alone. In the past 5 days I have had her for dinner twice, had 2 phone conversations and at least a dozen texts. She's picked up the kids and even clipped our dog's claws. This is all more contact and interaction than we've had in the past 7 months combined. I'm cautiously optimistic, but I've had my hopes dashed before.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Maybe the fog is lifting. Sounds like it might be. Make her work for this though. She's realizing the grass isn't greener, but she also caused a lot of damage. I think cautiously optimistic is the way to go. Don't bring up reconciling, she needs to do that. Still focus on you, and don't be so available. You're doing great!


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

At least she's away from him and I know she's living in a decent, clean place near people who love her.


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

I agree with LnL =) You're doing great, and I definitely see hope.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Momof2inMT said:


> I agree with LnL =) You're doing great, and I definitely see hope.


I hope you are right. We continue to get along great since my last post.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

> I asked her to stay for supper and she did, then I did her taxes for her.


Seriously? This is the woman that left you for another man, realised it wasnt that great, has nowhere to go and just flopping back to you?

You do realise that all you're just a stepping stone until the next oppertunity? Right?

Look, I understand the lonliness, lack of companionship and that you want things to be like they used to but accept that you cant go back to the 'good old days'. Its over. Man up and get her to work.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> Seriously? This is the woman that left you for another man, realised it wasnt that great, has nowhere to go and just flopping back to you?
> 
> You do realise that all you're just a stepping stone until the next oppertunity? Right?
> 
> Look, I understand the lonliness, lack of companionship and that you want things to be like they used to but accept that you cant go back to the 'good old days'. Its over. Man up and get her to work.


She is , in fact, NOT flopping back to me. She's found a place of her own and works full time...as she has for years. You don't know her or anything about her. You're just bitterly stereo-typing her. No one would ever reconcile their differences if we were all like you.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Its got nothing to do with stereo types, what we're talking about here are very basic emotions and textbook psychology. Nothing mysterious.

we're all the same, its called being human and whilst we are all different and all have our own set of circumstances that make us unique we are all also very predictable.

You are willing to take your wife back because you 'understand' her - no one else does right? She hasn't said sorry but that's OK because you know she is really, she is just too proud to admit it. Its not like she has to verbalise what she is feeling, she doesn't need to because you know her so well.

If she cant put in the effort to do something as simple as SAY sorry and show remorse then what chance does your marriage stand? Getting to the root of the problem takes real effort and determination. You may as well give up now. I'm not saying that because I'm a pessimist or because I'm bitter. I'm saying it because if you really want this marriage to work then she has to do the work on her own.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

From everything I've learned about infidelity in marriage and the "fog", I think there are 2 essential elements that must be present for a full recovery to take place. 

First there is an expressed desire to recommit to the relationship, which means expressing a personal desire to work on self as well as combined issues. Secondly, there needs to be some remorse. From countless sources, I've seen that remorse usually takes a bit longer so it is not to be expected immediately. If it does come, then that's a plus. The most important things are making the commitment to the family.

What I think is that she may be coming out, but you need to prepare and setup some guidelines as to what you need for her to do as you both try to put the marriage together. Figure out what you will accept and what you will not accept so that those things can be discussed if there is a talk of reconciliation. I would suggest reading "Surviving an Affair" as well as "His Needs, Her Needs". Those 2 books can give you a lot of insight as to what you can expect and what you can do. 

Hope things go well for you.


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