# Want to adopt my nephew but husband family says NO!!



## Plus3

We been fostering my nephew for two years now and the social worker asked us if we interested adopting since he been out of home to long. He was taken away from my sister because her boyfriend and her mistreated him and didn’t care for him. Me and my husband been together 7 years married and have a 3 year old son he considered my nephew his brother since he came to our house when he was 1 . Need advice he not sure he want to adopt his friends and his mom says no he shouldn’t so he having doubts if he should .


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## jlg07

Why would his mother (your MIL?) have an issue with him being adopted?
YES there are financial issues, but you are paying for him already, no?

What are the reasons he doesn't want to do this?


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## Plus3

Plus3 said:


> We been fostering my nephew for two years now and the social worker asked us if we interested adopting since he been out of home to long. He was taken away from my sister because her boyfriend and her mistreated him and didn’t care for him. Me and my husband been together 7 years married and have a 3 year old son he considered my nephew his brother since he came to our house when he was 1 . Need advice he not sure he want to adopt his friends and his mom says no he shouldn’t so he having doubts if he should .





jlg07 said:


> Why would his mother (your MIL?) have an issue with him being adopted?
> YES there are financial issues, but you are paying for him already, no?
> 
> What are the reasons he doesn't want to do this?


She says we making it easy for her (my sister) and she’s tells him that if it was the opposite I wouldn’t except it also his friends tell him that he needs to think about very hard which I feel like there is nothing to think about since he been living with us for two years and he is much happier with us


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## Andy1001

It’s none of your mil’s business whether you adopt your nephew or not and you should make this very clear to her.
If she has this much control over your husband that he values her opinion over yours then you need to address this issue before it becomes a bigger problem.


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## jlg07

You MIL has it backwards. -- you are NOT making it easy on your sister -- you are making it WAY better for this little boy.


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## DownByTheRiver

Plus3 said:


> We been fostering my nephew for two years now and the social worker asked us if we interested adopting since he been out of home to long. He was taken away from my sister because her boyfriend and her mistreated him and didn’t care for him. Me and my husband been together 7 years married and have a 3 year old son he considered my nephew his brother since he came to our house when he was 1 . Need advice he not sure he want to adopt his friends and his mom says no he shouldn’t so he having doubts if he should .


Your nephew's parents are unfit. If you don't adopt him, he's going back into the Foster system and someone will adopt him maybe someday or he'll be stuck in the Foster system. You will probably have to be prepared to just have some people mad at you but they are delusional if they think the son is going back with them if you are being asked to adopt him. I think maybe the agency needs to talk to the parents and make sure they understand the situation.


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## Livvie

I mean...have parental rights even been legally terminated as to the two genetic parents?


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## sokillme

Sounds like your MIL sees the child as leverage, which explains your sister in law right? Focus on the child. If you have to tell your MIL you had to do it for legal reason and to protect everyone in case of emergency. 

Your MIL sees you adopting her grandchild away from her own daughter as a personal failure, that is also a part of the problem, but it explains a lot.


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## Plus3

It’s my sister son ...


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## happyhusband0005

What was your husbands opinion before his mommy inserted her opinion? Was he on board until his mother said not to do it? Or was he on the fence and her opinion made him question it further.


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## VladDracul

Two things,
1. If you and your husband want to adopt, tell the mil to go piss up a rope.
2. If you adopt, preclude your f-up sister and her f-up boyfriend from having "visitation". Of course cash from them or anybody else to aid in support should be gladly accepted.


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## Diana7

Plus3 said:


> We been fostering my nephew for two years now and the social worker asked us if we interested adopting since he been out of home to long. He was taken away from my sister because her boyfriend and her mistreated him and didn’t care for him. Me and my husband been together 7 years married and have a 3 year old son he considered my nephew his brother since he came to our house when he was 1 . Need advice he not sure he want to adopt his friends and his mom says no he shouldn’t so he having doubts if he should .


To me absolutely yes. He has been with you for 2 years, he probably sees that as his home. I have no idea why your MIL has any say in it.


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## DownByTheRiver

I think the only person who ought to have some say in it is your husband. it seems to me like if you had the child for 2 years he ought to be attached to the child as well but if he's not there could be something lacking there.


I don't know if you're in the US or somewhere else but my best friend adopted her sister's child. Her sister was a heroin addict and the baby was born addicted. Her sister has several children and they are mostly with their baby daddies or their baby daddies' family. I certainly had my reservations about her getting mixed up in that because of her sister who is actually only her half sister and she did not grow up with her. 

So to me that's different but she cleaves to family because she was kind of abandoned my her dad and did not have any siblings so she likes to get fully involved with her half siblings that she didn't know as a child. 

In the US there are a lot of requirements and one of which is that you have to take time to go on trips and make sure the child sees the rest of her extended family. But once you adopt that child is yours and cannot go back to the mother. So you can be confident in that if you are in the US but I have no idea if you are someplace else. 

It has caused complications a little bit but that's mainly because of my friend is so altruistic and lets the screwed up mother come around. She got stuck with her when the dad died and she just moved into his house that they were supposed to sell and then she got stuck with her in her own home during covid and had to finally kick her out because she wasn't being careful of course. But again a lot of that was her decisions and I can certainly envision keeping a junky half sister more at arm's length than she chose to do.


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## frusdil

I'm confused as to why the mother in law gets any input into this at all, considering that it's absolutely none of her business?


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## SpinyNorman

You want to provide a home for a needy child and these people make it their business to object? What a sorry bunch of bastards.


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## moulinyx

Your MIL is a piece of work. 

As everyone else has already stated, your MIL needs to shove off and stay in her lane. You and your husband are amazing people for taking in that sweet child and RAISING HIM! Two years is a long time. He is a part of your family now and this should be a natural progression. The bio-mom/your sister is not relevant seeing as this decision should be based on what is best for the child. Can you imagine him crying for you two for weeks after being taken away? That is heartbreaking.

Who is the MIL to say this is a bad idea? He has won a family and avoided the system. I would strangle her through my computer if I could.


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## Plus3

happyhusband0005 said:


> What was your husbands opinion before his mommy inserted her opinion? Was he on board until his mother said not to do it? Or was he on the fence and her opinion made him question it further.


 He was having doubts before if he should and went to see his mom for advice.


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## Plus3

moulinyx said:


> Your MIL is a piece of work.
> 
> As everyone else has already stated, your MIL needs to shove off and stay in her lane. You and your husband are amazing people for taking in that sweet child and RAISING HIM! Two years is a long time. He is a part of your family now and this should be a natural progression. The bio-mom/your sister is not relevant seeing as this decision should be based on what is best for the child. Can you imagine him crying for you two for weeks after being taken away? That is heartbreaking.
> 
> Who is the MIL to say this is a bad idea? He has won a family and avoided the system. I would strangle her through my computer if I could.


That’s what I thought that two years is enough and we shouldn’t be questioning and go forward with the process but I don’t know what’s holding up my husband


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## Plus3

frusdil said:


> I'm confused as to why the mother in law gets any input into this at all, considering that it's absolutely none of her business?


Because he went for advice to her without me knowing I was sleeping home . MIL never agree us becoming foster parents.


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## frusdil

Plus3 said:


> Because he went for advice to her without me knowing I was sleeping home . MIL never agree us becoming foster parents.


This is why parents shouldn't be involved in decisions like this. Did she offer up her opinion from the start or did he ask her for it? Right back at the beginning I mean.

As much as I'm always a champion for spouse first, I honestly, hand on heart, couldn't stand by and let my siblings child go into the foster system. I just couldn't. It'd be a non issue here though as my husband would never say no, nor would I were the situation reversed.


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## SpinyNorman

frusdil said:


> As much as I'm always a champion for spouse first, I honestly, hand on heart, couldn't stand by and let my siblings child go into the foster system. I just couldn't. It'd be a non issue here though as my husband would never say no, nor would I were the situation reversed.


Getting married means you agree to compromise on a whole bunch of things, not everything. If my W wants a different refrigerator, we will negotiate. If she murders a drifter, I will rat her out in a heartbeat.

Not wanting to adopt a child isn't a felony, but compassion for innocent, helpless people close to me isn't something I agreed to compromise on. 

And like @frusdil , I am being hypothetical as my W would never do any of these things.


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## Mr.Married

Who cares what MIL thinks. Your the one that is taking care of the kid who is obviously happier with you. Why should she get any say?


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## Wolfman1968

Plus3 said:


> He was having doubts before if he should and went to see his mom for advice.


Actually, this is the most important thing at issue.

You MIL doesn't get a vote. However, adopting is a HUGE responsibility, and if your husband is not 100% committed and enthusiastic for it, then I would advise not going forward yet.

It's important for your marriage that you don't appear to be forcing this on him if he is not completely and unhesitatingly agreeable to it.

With this additional information, it doesn't sound so much that your mother-in-law is trying to control the situation, as it does that your husband is unsure and sought advice.


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## Mr.Married

Let’s throw in another option:

Is he throwing his mom under the bus as an excuse because he doesn’t have the balls to say no himself?


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## jlg07

Here's what I think -- I think your HUSBAND is worried about this added responsibility, and wanted folks to talk with, Mom, friends, etc..
You both need to talk about the concerns here -- this is life-changing stuff and should not be taken lightly.
Find out what your H's concerns are, what are his fears in this, especially in light of the fact that you both are ALREADY the child's de-facto parents.


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## Atholk

Plus3 said:


> He was having doubts before if he should and went to see his mom for advice.


Something to consider is the decision to adopt, is also probably a decision to have one less of your own biological children. Most people can only afford two kids, so these would be your two.

Also should you adopt, and divorce at some point in the future, your husband is going to be on the hook for a kid that isn't even his. That's a massive risk to your husband.

So you're making some rather large decisions here whether you know it or not. Personally I think you better be 100% damn sure your relationship is in top shape, and your husband is 100% on board with adoption. Otherwise you're probably risking serious damage to your own marriage over the long term.

To be clear, you're making a major change to the fundamental agreement of the marriage. I bet your husband never even considered having to adopt his SIL's kid as a remote possibility before marrying you. So yeah. Absolutely no surprise at all MIL is concerned.


All that being said. I'd have a hard time sending any kid back into the system. Let alone a relative.

TLR Careful you aren't deciding what your husband is going to be committed to.


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## DudeInProgress

Atholk said:


> Something to consider is the decision to adopt, is also probably a decision to have one less of your own biological children. Most people can only afford two kids, so these would be your two.
> 
> Also should you adopt, and divorce at some point in the future, your husband is going to be on the hook for a kid that isn't even his. That's a massive risk to your husband.
> 
> So you're making some rather large decisions here whether you know it or not. Personally I think you better be 100% damn sure your relationship is in top shape, and your husband is 100% on board with adoption. Otherwise you're probably risking serious damage to your own marriage over the long term.
> 
> To be clear, you're making a major change to the fundamental agreement of the marriage. I bet your husband never even considered having to adopt his SIL's kid as a remote possibility before marrying you. So yeah. Absolutely no surprise at all MIL is concerned.
> 
> 
> All that being said. I'd have a hard time sending any kid back into the system. Let alone a relative.
> 
> TLR Careful you aren't deciding what your husband is going to be committed to.


Re-read this post. This is exactly what my concerns would be. And these are legit, rational concerns.

Additionally, there’s no reason you and your husband need to adopt the child. The idea that the only choices are adopt or send the kid back into the system are BS. You and your husband can continue to care for and raise the child in a loving home until he’s an adult without legally adopting him.


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