# Ouch and Wow - Power Post



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I found myself in the "considering divorce" section of this site in hopes of getting a brutally honest opinion about my H's EA and what he might be really feeling now that its 'over.' I'm working on the trust and I just stumble over some awful things he said to me after I found out. It was a while ago and nothing like that argument has happened since - but it still haunts me. 

So, I asked for a brutally honest opinion and got this POWER POST. I wanted to share because as awful as it is for me to read this - I feel its on the money. Its a reality. 
I don't know if this helps you, but I really appreciated it and wanted to share... Breath before reading...

"He's greiving for the emotional loss of the other woman. He's been emotionally connected to her, and that relationship has been broken even though he loves her still. It takes time to work that out in a man. Assuming it ever fully works out."
Ouch.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I can relate to that statement. i had to cut ties with a guy a few years ago and it was really hard. i grieved the loss for awhile. sometimes i still think about him and wonder what he's doing, not because i have deep feelings for him, but because we were good friends and had fun together. but it fades in time.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I agree with that statement too. After my affair was discovered and I ended it, it took me some time to get over the other guy, even though I knew at every moment, I wanted to be with my husband. It was hard to deal with the emotional withdrawl, even when I knew it was wrong and that ending it was the right thing to do. My husband had a hard time not knowing why I couldn't just be over it instantly. I wished I could, but it didn't work that way.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

MY H had to go thru that process also. I decided to just let him do it, and work his way back to "us" on his own timeframe. It IS a process, and gradually, he was able to work thru his feelings and come back to US whole-heartedly. He thanked me for letting him set the pace, and it was not long (maybe a week or two) before he was at the place he needed to be at where he could close the chapter on those feelings and we have been GREAT every since.


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## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

Leahdorus said:


> I agree with that statement too. After my affair was discovered and I ended it, it took me some time to get over the other guy, even though I knew at every moment, I wanted to be with my husband. It was hard to deal with the emotional withdrawl, even when I knew it was wrong and that ending it was the right thing to do. My husband had a hard time not knowing why I couldn't just be over it instantly. I wished I could, but it didn't work that way.


So how long was the affair, and how long did it take to get over him? My wife hasn't had any contact with hers for a full month but I can see she still dwells on the memories. To me, I asked her to make a choice and she did (to be with me) but she is still holding that relationship in her mind. That's a hard pill to swallow.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Getting over an affair EA or PA or EA/PA is a difficult thing. My wife had been out of touch with TOM/EA for several months. He tried to reinitiate contact and she was surprised at how strong her feelings still were for him. At that time I had to do something I had never needed nor wanted to do with my wife. Put down an ultimatum. Carefully worded, firm but concerned. That was a year ago and the contact ended. He is not fully out of my head yet so I doubt he is fully out of hers. I expect she views him as some lost BFF while I simply view him as a POS. Getting past the affair is arduous for both parties in the marriage. Time for the offending spouse to get past TOM/TOW and time for the offended to rebuild trust. 

I think I need more acronyms in this post.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

This post makes a lot of sense. In our situation my H had an EA for quite a long time then it turned to a PA. The fact that it wasn't just a random encounter one time thing made a huge difference to me and a year later I'm struggling every day. I do remember when I discovered it and I asked him to leave, I told him it was over and I was filing for a divorce. He told a friend who tried to intervene he ruined his life and threw it all away, he lost everything. He called me, told me it was over would never see her again and asked me to go to counseling. This was his initiative, I was done. He had no doubt that I was not playing around. Yet 2 days later he exchanged a half a dozen emails with her not intending on seeing her just saying why it wouldn't work. Closure? I found out much later about this or he would not be here with me now. He does not know why he did it, he said it wasn't what he wanted and somewhere in the middle of it he asked himself what am I doing and just stopped. Right after this was discovered I asked him if he still had feelings for her. He said he was not in love with her but there was a connection and that it took some time for that connection to fade. It was an honest response but it hurt me deeply. Today he feels nothing for her, embarrassment, shame, deep regret. He won't speak to her, not even to tell her not to contact him (she's sent about 3 emails over the last year). 

So to those asking how long does it take? Depends on the person, for him less than 2 weeks and he never looked back. After 24 years with someone you get a feeling for things and I know this is true. Just as I knew when it started and ignored my gut feelings...

Thanks for the post I think it helped me to understan what he didn't.


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