# hmm, cant get over feeling hurt



## randomcanadian (Feb 25, 2012)

there seems to be an abundance of threads here with this topic, I dont mean to add to them but it helps to get this off my mind.

we have been married for 9 years. started dating out of high school, lived appart for 2 years then back together since.

a couple years after we got together after high school, I had gotten myself into trouble. I was into drugs and in with a trouble making group of guys. we were both just 20 then. While I was cleaning up my life, she was already in college. 

Things were great for the first year, then her college teacher invited her out for supper. told me nothing ever happened. Then 5 months after that she started hanging out with her ex.

During that time I was busy getting myself together. I saw that she was cheating on me, but at the same time I was telling myself she was not. I was fooling myself. she offered me emotional support while I was getting off drugs/crime. I know that she did not like that part of my life, but at the same time was attracted to the dangerous part of it. I feel she cheated because I was not there for her some nights.

I thought I had dealt with it when it happened. she apologized and felt bad, and promised never to do anything again. I was still in denial and believed her she was just hanging out with her ex, and only gone to supper with her teacher.

we got married at 23. had our daughter at 24. things were going better. I had cut all ties with my past and while having a hard time finding solid work, always brought in enough money to keep us fed and pay bills. Mean while, she had gone threw college and had a job that easily took care of our bills, food, and then some. I think she was embarrassed that I had a hard time finding work. 

as I had over come my past, over come depression, I could not help but love my wife so much for sticking by me. but then I started feeling like it was my fault my wife was hanging out with her teacher and ex, then I suddenly got a flood of memories and I was no longer fooling myself that she had a physical relationship those years back. 

this was confirmed when she accidentally left her email open on my computer, and there was a email from her teacher, asking my wife how she was, reminiscing on their date, he was telling her what he was up to now, and offering her a job if she wanted to relocate since she was married to the looser she was dating while he was teaching her in college. I was pretty devastated.

after confronting her, she still denies anything physical happened between them, or with her ex. 

we have a daughter together. we have discussed divorce. I really love them both, and would rather stay together but at the same time I dont trust her. 

randomly I will just start to feel like she is not being honest with me. This has been going on for years now. she is frustrated because I still dont trust her. She tells me she loves me but back then she does not even know why she made those choices ( she admit to emotional affair but not physical, even after producing evidence )

I dont want to divorce to hurt my daugher. I really do want to be with my wife. the thoughts of her being with another man still hurt me. I would like to have it out of my mind to get on with life. 

I wish there was some magical advice that someone could give that would make me go "Ahh! why didnt I think of that!" and things would go back to the way they were when she wanted me, loved me and lusted for me instead of the mistrust and stress, and now mutual feelings of being tired. 

thanks for reading, I would appreciate any advice.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you can copy off that e-mail from her wondrous POS, college instructor---I would go to the college administation, and let them know what kind of teacher they have, who would attempt to wreck a mge., and slander you.

You also might let him know, if he doesn't disappear real quick, you will file a civil action agst him, for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress.----he has no right to do what he did---your past is your past, and everyone can/does have the opportunity to change their life for the better

You also might wanna go to the media, about this guy, and what kind of a person, is teaching in a public institution.

As to what your wife did---she had her little flings while you were basically not together, due to your problems, it is a thing of the past, and you need to forget it, especially if you want any shot, ata R.----anything she does now, does make a difference, and she needs to be accountable for----but you should definitely go after the POS, college instructor---he had no right to call you a loser, as of now.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

jnj express said:


> If you can copy off that e-mail from her wondrous POS, college instructor---I would go to the college administation, and let them know what kind of teacher they have, who would attempt to wreck a mge., and slander you.
> 
> You also might let him know, if he doesn't disappear real quick, you will file a civil action agst him, for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress.----he has no right to do what he did---your past is your past, and everyone can/does have the opportunity to change their life for the better
> 
> ...


:iagree: And don't forget that she did a lot for you in the past (including wanting to stay with y).


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do these new doubts have anything to do about your financial insecurity?

And regarding the instructor, threaten him that you will approach the college with the email as proof. The mental stress he will go through will be more than enough revenge. 

It also shows how your now wife projected you in front of other people at that time. he wouldn't call you a loser if she didn't already do the same.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Did she say why she discussed you being a loser with her college teacher? That must have hurt.

Having been involved in similar things when I was younger I know that living that lifestyle can leave a person more prone to be suspicious of the intent of others around them.The "con" is a big part of living that way.

You should at least sit her down and have a discussion with her about how you're feeling and I would explore more about why this teacher is still in contact with her and why it wasn't aboveboard.

And good on you for turning your life around.


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## randomcanadian (Feb 25, 2012)

thanks for the replies

i had the house to myself last night and spent a lot of time thinking things over, then I found this site. It really has been good to just ramble. 

@warlock07, yes financial security on my end does cause some of the insecurity. I am a smart guy, and I know it. I am lucky enough to get away from my past without a record. I lived in a small town and my reputation kept me from getting a decent job/respect. after relocating things have been much better. I am now getting over the social stigma of the wife being the main bread winner, and I am enjoying what I am doing. 


@jnj express and @gpa; I did not mention in my first post here that the POS is now a software developer in texas. He was a teacher here, but apparently moved to texas to work for enron before the **** hit the fan there ( lol ) and he ended up starting his own IT business after enron failed.

When I found the email, before confronting my wife I did some research on this guy. found out he is married and has a kid. it is surprisingly easy to find financial, investment, and personal information off individuals on the internet. before long I had his wife's personal cell phone as well as his, and their email address and home address. 

I have an email written up to his wife, with a copy of the letter he sent my wife. in this letter I politely introduce myself as the husband of the affair her husband is perusing, and letting her know what he is doing behind her back. I have not sent this yet. I was considering calling her and telling her in person instead.

@tbt; yea I asked her, and yea that discussion sucked. she told me I was not there for her emotionally. Even though the sex was awesome, the time we spent together was fun, I was out almost every evening because of my lifestyle. She also told me her classmates were pressuring her to leave me and that swayed her opinion too. and all of that is why she was feeling I was a looser, and felt that being with that guy she felt she could vent her stress about me, but she really wanted me to be around then. 

she was also embarrassed how I was making my money then, but admits she was turned on by the lifestyle ( I guess its an alpha/beta kinda thing?) but yes, that lifestyle definitely makes one feel that anyone could turn on them any minute. 

thanks too, it was hard to get away but worth it. I just wish I would have giving my head a shake earlier, and not even gotten involved in the first place. live and learn I guess. 

Yes I gotta put this down in my head. I know it is a think of the past, and I know I am responsible for pushing her away. 

What I dont understand is why I randomly feel mistrust for her, especially after a long time of nothing being wrong. I would say at least 6 times a year for no apparent reason I just wake up and am mad at her. I feel that every thing she say's to me is a lie. Its like I analyze her every move to look for how she could be lying . 

This is driving me insane. This is making me wonder if I am loosing my sanity. if I confront her about these feelings she gets defensive and angry with me for not letting the past go. then she distances herself from me and cries in our room, then comes to me saying she is sorry for making me feel this way and says she wants to do anything to make things better. this process takes about 5 hours. 

It sends me for so much of a loop I dont know if I am fooling myself again, or she really feels bad about our past, or if my gut feelings are on to something. for the last couple years, When I start to get these feelings I just keep them to myself now. I usually end up distancing myself from her, but the feelings pass, but they do come back.

could this just be me not dealing with it properly?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Well, back in the day you were a loser. If you admit that great. With the life style you were leading then I would guess you were not exactly faithful to her. Whether you were or not it sounds like you are projecting yourself onto her. Its really none of your business what she did if you were not together at the time.

Your problem isn't with her, look what she had to put up with then with your "lifestyle" and now with the intermitent accusations. Get counseling. You should probably find a counselor that is familiar with ptsd. Do this before she just has to get away from you.

I was in a similar situation and there is no way I want to know what was going on while I was not there for her.

Call the profs wife, tell her what you know, offer to send the email, and tell her to tell him if he doesn't stop there will be a "loser" on his door step.

Good luck and prayers,

Chap


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You said you thought you had dealt with it in the past and maybe you really didn't.I know when turning your life around and especially getting away from drugs a person sometimes has to be selfish in order to succeed.Maybe your primary focus at the time was getting better and you weren't 100% in how you resolved what went on at the time.As things got easier over the years your subconscious was reminding you that a threat hadn't been dealt with satisfactorily and now it has your undivided attention.Especially in light of the college teacher's recent contact.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

> What I dont understand is why I randomly feel mistrust for her, especially after a long time of nothing being wrong. I would say at least 6 times a year for no apparent reason I just wake up and am mad at her. I feel that every thing she say's to me is a lie. Its like I analyze her every move to look for how she could be lying .
> 
> This is driving me insane. This is making me wonder if I am loosing my sanity. if I confront her about these feelings she gets defensive and angry with me for not letting the past go. then she distances herself from me and cries in our room, then comes to me saying she is sorry for making me feel this way and says she wants to do anything to make things better. this process takes about 5 hours.


The random mistrust actually sounds like a health problem to me, especially due to the three facts that it puzzles you, you feel like it's beyond your control, and you used to do drugs. It could be caused by quite a number of things, from a simple blood-sugar problem, to hormonal imbalances and so on. You could try keeping a diary of what you eat and drink for a while and see if anything seems to set you off. It could be alcohol (not being drunk, but effecting blood sugar), allergy, insufficient food, etc. 

A lot of people take drugs to self-medicate, which means that you might have a persistent problem that needs to be addressed. A lot of the time people go to a doctor who gives them a prescription for anti-depressants or whatever, but I prefer to get to the bottom of why there is an imbalance in the first place and, preferably, treat it naturally. This is where a good doctor who will check various levels comes into play. Depending on where you live I might be able to recommend someone, if you're interested. You could PM me for doctor's names, if you like. 

But two very effective ways I've found to level moods over the long-term are to exercise and avoid refined sugars in your diet. That's a big lifestyle change for many people, but whatever you can do towards those two goals will help.


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## randomcanadian (Feb 25, 2012)

I just got the chance to read the new replies. 

I wish I could stay to elaborate a bit more, but I gotta take off soon.

But yea, after re-reading what I wrote, and seeing the replies I agree I have some un dealt with mental health issues. I guess its hard to see your in a rut while your stuck in it

I have gone to counseling several years ago, but I did not really listen to them. I have not taken any recreational drugs, nor pharmicuticals ( except when I needed iv antibiotics) for over 7 years now. Even though I am aware the drugs I did could have life long lasting effects, it is easy to forget about that. I need to spend some time meditating I think.

Thank you very much to everyone's reply. really


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*this was confirmed when she accidentally left her email open on my computer, and there was a email from her teacher, asking my wife how she was, reminiscing on their date, Recently?he was telling her what he was up to now, and offering her a job if she wanted to relocate since she was married to the looser she was dating while he was teaching her in college. I was pretty devastated.*

Has this typ off massages being past back and forward for seven years?

If so you wonder the way you feel..

In your shoes. I would demand a polly
Ps where the the Ex come from


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