# Who files?



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Who files for divorce? Is there any guidelines or protocol? Our marriage has been in a shambles for years, a big chunk of it being my fault. However, she is currently having an affair for the last month. One day I think I am just frustrated and angry enough to file, and the next day I feel like, since I am not the one who wants to divorce, I should not. She wants it, she files it and bears the expense.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

It's going to cost money in the end regardless who files... 
Since you have kids, that can change things too... one of my friends ex-h filed and he had her paying child support, got temp orders to get her out of the house, had full custody of their kids... it was awful for her (i'm not recommending that!!) he had to pay her back in the end because he made much more then her...2 years later their divorce is final and I wouldn't want to see the legal bills... but I think usually the one who files might have a slight upperhand in the beginning... depends on your state laws too...


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I just read your other post... if you are still working it out... obviously... neither one should file  Best of luck to you... if you can avoid divorce- that's the best option... it really does bring out the worst in people... I thought my divorce would be simple... no kids, just a house, but it's been awful and I can't wait till it's over...


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

There is a slight advantage to filing first. Depends on how nasty you think it might be. 

I am still behind you workin it out if it is possible. So....do what you need to do.

Since there is an affair.....which is really grounds in my eyes .....it's your choice. But I wouldn't blame you for filing.....so search your heart. Make sure it is what you want...cause it is literally Hell.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I really don't feel like I will end up filing. Michigan is a no fault state. Although there is an affair, as I mentioned before, I don't believe there is any physical things. If it is asked or brought up, I will answer truthfully, although I will not make a big deal out of it. Is that a good idea or not?

I know my wife. She is pretty high strung and if I put papers in first, that may crack her and I may lose any chance. As I mentioned before, she has no means of support to herself, and life is pretty tough in michigan right now.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Here too.....no doubt. Um.....you know....your decision. But it's a rare occurance for a divorce to be civil. All I know it that it is better to file first if you are sure it's necessary....and taking the high road is never wrong but it can sometimes get you screwed. So be careful. If you can work out a good civil divorce...then I pray that happens. If you can work it out...I pray that happens. 


You sound like you pretty much have it together....what more advice can you need? I think you just need some support and a place to vent your feelings.....keep it up.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Yeah, I need that and I also need (or at least want strongly) a way to get my wife and me with a third party to help us mediate through these issues. Whenever we do it together, it ends up getting emotional and angry too soon. She wants to see the pastor that is out of town until the 18th. I dread going that long. 

She is emotional first and I am rational first (I'm and engineer, what would you expect). Looking at the past 9 years, we usually ended up getting in the same place as each other, it just took time and venting to get there. This is where I think that a mediator between us and some teaching/counseling that we never had in the begining would really help. I really believe that we have more in common and could bond with than we realize. That is what attracted me to her in the first place. 

As I mentioned before, this has only been going on since the 26th of June. I can only put together less than a dozen get togethers based on what she has told me. I can only see about 6 hrs of cell phone conversation, although I do see his number on our redial list at the house, so I am sure there is more from home, so say 25 hrs. Is 25 hrs of phone conversation and a dozen meetings enough? Or is years of abandonment enough?

Our wedding bulletin had Jeremiah 29:11 on it - "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" I have a hard time reconsiling that with marriage being a gift from God, that the plan was for us to be married for 9 years, have two wonderful daughters, and then tear all that apart.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I know....my marriage has lasted nine years too. well...nine year and six months....but who is counting. But I do believe that no matter what God gives us...we can destroy it ourselves. Still yet...I know God can fix things....miracles can happen. And you are hanging in there wonderfully.

It would be hard for me to forgive like you have. To understand the emotiona affair.....I truely hope that is all it is. And I wish that I could shed some light onto what you need to do. But I really can't. Sounds like you are taking big steps and she is standing still. Can she be moved? Possibly.

God certainly doesn't want marriages to fall apart.....it is profoundly written in the Bible. But well....it happens. We let something or someone influence us to do stupid stuff. And your wife will not be happy at all if this marriage goes south. But....you will know that you have done everything you can...and you ability to have empathy and forgiveness for your spouse is to be praised. There isn't enough of that today.

Proud of you.


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## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

goodluck my man..... i have been married for 16 years (8-10 of the those basically for the kids)..... it is hard to part ways..... 

I even filed for divorce and still went back for some ****ing reason. we are no better today than we were 8 years ago.... just bumping along in a horrible relationship..... she is bitter and fights about everything financially... i make substantially more $ than her so she gets a pile of it through domestics for the kids and then I don't get to see my kids very much.... great stuff....

keep posting... it definately helps vent!!!!! I am starting to drink more...doh....


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