# still no intimacy



## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Hi I started a thread a while ago on how I could kick start the passion in my marriage, well the passion is still stuck in neutral I still need help.

My guy of nineteen years and I have always had an on again and off again sex life. We love one another very much, and cuddle alot but that is where the passion ends. We have had sex 3 times in the past two years.

I am kinda shy when it comes to sex, and I don't always feel ok talking about it with him. But lately we have had great opportunities to enjoy our selves, had days off together when the kid was in school etc., but both of us completely avoid the subject. 

Last Wednesday after golf I hinted and hinted and hinted and he ended up getting mad at me over a remark I made about his co-worker. :scratchhead:Go figure? I ended up going into my room and hiding in a book all afternoon, and he watched tv. It just seems he avoids having sex with me. But the strange thing about it, he hints and tries to come on to me when I am getting ready for work etc., times when it is not possible to have sex.

Anyways, I just don't know what to do. I am scared to bring it up because I am afraid he will just pass it off. 

I just want to be able to have a normal sex life with a guy I adore and love.

The longer this relationships goes on without intimacy the more frustrated and unhappy I am becoming.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I know just how you feel. Im also so frustrated in my sex life. Doesnt seem to matter what i try, it avails to nothing...well, except me being frustrated. 

Ive read some posts by MT and he frequently says in these situations that the guy just isnt attracted to you if he acts this way. That might not be the case for you but its what ive started to see for me.

Anyway, sorry i dont have any advice for you. just some empathy.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

After nearly 20 years, he's not going to change. I'd strongly suggest couples counseling for both of you. You two need to communicate and that maybe best facilitated by a counselor. But you need to communicate! You want sex but he doesn't? I understand you want the physical intimacy that sex means, but perhaps he feels the cuddling provides that to you. Why would he feel that way? This is why you need to talk (even if through an intecessor).


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think that it is high time that instead of dropping hints you make it obvious to him what you want. Take a day and sit doen with him and explain what you want and need. It will embarrass you no doubt but only for a moment and maybe you'll know where you stand.

Try also to look at the sex issue from a different point of view. Does he like it in the morning? Is that when he has energy or can get aroused? Maybe waking earlier will solve the issue for both of you.

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Draconis is bang on.

Stop the hinting, and ask directly. what have you got to loose. You make it sound like your real problem is that you are desperate for him to initiate. Perhaps in the past you rejected him one to many times, and now he can't muster the strength. Some men can't take even a single rejection, poor souls. But no man can withstand multiple rejections, even if there is a good reason. 

You say you are shy about sex so it could be that he wanted to experiment with new things at one time and you rejected the idea out of hand and made him feel stupid, or twisted.

If you try the direct approach SEVERAL TIMES and it fails every time, then it is time for an ultimatum. If you can't issue an ultimatum, then you think of yourself as not deserving sex.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> Ive read some posts by MT and he frequently says in these situations that the guy just isnt attracted to you if he acts this way. That might not be the case for you but its what ive started to see for me.


It's true I have said that, but to be honest, it's more aimed at women who don't want sex. While I am beginning to see that men and women are more similar than I originally suspected, my present view is that when a man goes of sex, it's more complex.

I don't mind telling you that your particular relationship fascinates me, in some of your posts it seems to go well, and in others it sounds awful.

I have been waiting for you to start your own thread so I can plunge in and analyze it to bits, but so far you have only dangled little bits of info in other peoples threads.

I do have a few theories however...


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Years ago my guy confessed that he was turned off by women who initiates sex, he felt it pressured him to perform. He has also turned me down many times when our relationship was less than 5 years old.

He also has this weird theory that every time we are intimate it should be outstanding, I am good with the odd quicky. I think he has performance anxiety.

I need to figure out how to get through to him.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM-

That is just BS, that's going to get you nowhere. He won't give you sex, but you are not allowed to initiate it? You should insist on action - it will actually take the pressure off him. If you really want to help hi, you are going to have to drop any shyness about talking about sex. You are going to have to talk about it. Or touch him up or both.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> MEM-
> 
> That is just BS, that's going to get you nowhere. He won't give you sex, but you are not allowed to initiate it? You should insist on action - it will actually take the pressure off him. If you really want to help hi, you are going to have to drop any shyness about talking about sex. You are going to have to talk about it. Or touch him up or both.


Interesting, please explain from a guy's perspective how this would take the pressure off.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM- Was it not FDR who said, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself"? That's what I'm talking about. Once you put it right in front of him and say "sweetheart, I know it's hard for you, but we have to deal with this - NOW", he will eventually realize that it's time.

If he has performance anxiety it's actually really easy to treat if you have two willing people. If he can't be bothered, you should move on before your life is ruined by the continual assault to your self esteem that this sort of situation can bring.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

MEM said:


> Hi I started a thread a while ago on how I could kick start the passion in my marriage, well the passion is still stuck in neutral I still need help.
> 
> My guy of nineteen years and I have always had an on again and off again sex life. We love one another very much, and cuddle alot but that is where the passion ends. We have had sex 3 times in the past two years.
> 
> ...


A little less shy, and a little more flirty can be a turn on. May I ask..are you too shy to wear sexy things for him? This could get him in the mood. Talk to the guy, hun. Ask him is there something wrong? Is there someone else ? What? Having had sex only 3 times in 2 years isn't good.. talk to me.. I have a right to know what is going on, and where do I stand with you. I have needs, you know. I miss the closeness we had and I want it back.

I hope this helps. Good luck !


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> MEM-
> 
> If he has performance anxiety it's actually really easy to treat if you have two willing people. If he can't be bothered, you should move on before your life is ruined by the continual assault to your self esteem that this sort of situation can bring.


That is the strange thing with us, is that besides the sex thing we have a very good relationship. He is kind, very trustworthy, sweet, enjoys doing stuff with me such as golf, and movies. He is a great provider and a wonderful father. He still is my dream guy 99 percent. If I was not a sexual being life would be close to perfect. Unfortunately I am a sexual being, I am upset with the situation and would like to correct it. But I also feel I could spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship if this problem can not be fixed.

I must sound crazy to you.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Take charge, girl! Initiate sex. Ride him until he's thoroughly done. Take what you want! THEN, talk to him. Tell him it's ok for each of you to initiate sex. That you both want it. Yes, sometimes, it's the quickie. But most often, it's mutual. And extended (whatever that means to you both). There's nothing wrong in saying "I LIKE SEX!" Three time in 2 years?!?!? WTF?!? Fu.k him silly girl! Make him see that it's good for the both of you! Never complain or say "I wished you'd done this or that". Just take it one step at a time. He'll come around!  Then you can train him.  A gentle hand behind his head while oral can be a strong encouragement without being demanding. Or anything else you want. Go fir it!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> I have been waiting for you to start your own thread so I can plunge in and analyze it to bits, but so far you have only dangled little bits of info in other peoples threads.


lol...sorry to disappoint you but my story is just a usual one


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> lol...sorry to disappoint you but my story is just a usual one


Pure unadulterated BS


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM said:


> Unfortunately I am a sexual being, I am upset with the situation and would like to correct it. But I also feel I could spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship if this problem can not be fixed.
> 
> I must sound crazy to you.


I am not sure if you are really such a sexual being, just someone who has been deprived of sex beyond what is normal. I _am _a sexual being, I would not allow more than 2 weeks to pass without getting attention from my wife before I would be telling her her what her choices were.

Part of the marriage vows involve giving each other access to sex. If that is taken away without prior re-negotiation then as far as I am concerned the contract is a sham, and I would never have agreed to it in the first place, so I would not agree to it after the fact.

Sex matters to me. I did not get married to be nice to someone - I am nice to everyone who does not actually try to plot my downfall. I got a g/f and married her because I thought it would be fun and fulfilling. And 19 years later, it is more fulfilling now than at the beginning. But we fought like cat and dog for the first half. But we had the commitment to get through to the light at the end of the tunnel. That does not happen by rolling over and capitulating.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Are you saying MT that if everything else in your relationship was good, you would sacrifice it for sex?

Please explain more, I find this really fascinating.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM said:


> Are you saying MT that if everything else in your relationship was good, you would sacrifice it for sex?
> 
> Please explain more, I find this really fascinating.


Well I am going to have to start at the beginning, otherwise my answer will make no sense.

When most people (and all animals) first "pair up", it is sexual attraction that brings about the initial stages of the liaison. If sex were not high on the agenda, babies would not be born and we would not be here to have this conversation. Sex is as basic as oxygen and water.

However, as humans we complicate things and somehow get the idea that even though sexual attraction is what starts a relationship, there is some other element that can take over and keep it going even if the sex has stopped. 

And to an extent this does happen. When a rocky relationship has kids, mortgages, and religion to worry about, it makes sense to stick it out. However, it's not fun.

My belief is that the sexual desire that started the relationship, must be maintained in order for the relationship to keep going and evolve in a fulfilling way. You may ask what about love?

When one person crawls the walls for lack of sex, and the other person says he is not interested in your needs in that department, love slowly turns bitter. This is always the eventual outcome, bar none. It shows at the very least that the love is one sided. A man who lets a woman's self confidence plummet by not showing sexual interest in her, or even her needs, can hardly be said to be demonstrating love.

So now having set the scene, I can finally answer your question:

When people say to me "everything in our relationship is perfect except x won't give me sex", I simply don't agree with the concept. One person in the relationship wants something that the other person will not provide. Most relationships could never get started like this, so there is only habit, duty, and obligation holding them together. Oh and huge helping of denial.

So to answer you directly. If the sex were to evaporate, I would feel unwanted, and I would get my ass out of there pretty damn pronto. Of course I would try to fix it first, don't get me wrong, but if there was no interest by the other party in sorting it out, then - whooooosh there I go.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MEM said:


> Are you saying MT that if everything else in your relationship was good, you would sacrifice it for sex?


I would. I can be friends with anyone. I got married for a reason.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Do you think sex is like a habit, the more you do it the more you want it? 

I have wondered about this alot. Because when we are on an up swing with sex the more I crave it. When we never had it for awhile I wonder what it would be like to taste it again. To me it is similar to a smoking habit. I can go without, but I prefer to have it. When I get used to having it I don't want to give it up! I could live without it, but I don't want to because I enjoy it too much.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MEM said:


> Do you think sex is like a habit, the more you do it the more you want it?


I think it is. Its a craving like anything else. I can control it and reduce my desire for it, but it also affects the emotional intimacy of my relationship.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Do you think one could get emotional intimacy through simple touching, cuddling and hugging?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MEM said:


> Do you think one could get emotional intimacy through simple touching, cuddling and hugging?


My H thinks so! But not for me. that doesnt really do it for me.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM said:


> Do you think one could get emotional intimacy through simple touching, cuddling and hugging?


For a very short interlude, I could survive on that alone, but I would get so horny from being touched and it not going any further, that in the end I would run screaming from the house. As I said before, if I don't feel wanted (for the way am), then I would not want to stay in that relationship.

My wife likes gifts, but I don't. It took a long time for us to come to the obvious arrangement that I should buy her little gifts, and she should show me more affection.

If you give someone a gift, it has to be what they want, or you are in the final analysis, only doing it for yourself. And if this happens repeatedly in the face of complaints like "I would rather have an xyz". Then I question whether it is really love that is being demonstrated.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

I am feeling more frustrated this morning than I did the day I started this thread. My Mom is visiting, and we live in a very small space, so sex is completely out of the question. Knowing sex is not an option I want it even more. I do have the forbidden fruit thing going on. 

Years ago, when we were visiting relatives, we would just slip into the bathroom together to get it on, now we simply avoid one another.

I do find it interesting that in the beginning of this relationship that sex was so free, easy and adventurous now it seems strict, with many rules.

I wonder if it is even a possibility to get back to that stage, or if we waited to long.

Intimacy right now would be like butter on a great piece of home made bread. Every thing is good between us but it would be nice to have that little extra.


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## clara (Oct 7, 2008)

Mem
I sometimes wish I had your problem. I am new to online chatting and I have only come out of desperation. I have family and friends in which I have confided all the difficulties in my marriage to time and again over 9 years. Some time ago I realized that it was not a good idea to be telling my mom and sister, for example, every frustrating, angry detail of my life. 
My husband and I met when we were 15. We became sexually active at 17 (which is VERY against our religion) and finally married after an unexpected pregnancy that ended in giving the baby up for adoption, at age 20. I bring all this up because we have had nothing but problems in our marriage that have just gotten worse. Before we were actually married, sex was EVERYTHING. Literally, on our wedding night, I just didn't want sex anymore. It still felt wrong. I spent the next five years analyzing myself and why I had so drastically changed. I associated a lot of it to our daughter we adopted out. I think I resolved that issue and I feel at peace with it, but I still have no desire for sex. I only want it maybe once a month and then if circumstances don't permit it doesn't happen.
On the other hand. My husband wants it all the time. He would be happy with it at least once a day. 
Over the last few years things have just gotten worse. I turn him down more and more, because I have a lot of resentment against him for other reasons, but also because I feel used and it still feels wrong. The only time I can get into it is if I am so totally horny that I can't stop myself! This rarely happens anymore. In fact the last time it happened was nearly 7 months ago when I got pregnant again! (I am due in December) The worst part is that I don't even feel anything anymore. I feel like a blow up doll!
This is sooo hard on my husband and I know it is, but I can't seem to get around it and please him. A couple more important details, I can't stand to be touched when I am trying to sleep. 99% of the time he touches me is sexual and I don't want to be touched, so we don't even hardly hug anymore. Maybe a quick hug or peck on the lips once or twice a day. We never cuddle and don't even sit next to each other on the couch.
Needless to say, our marriage is deteriorating fast and we still love each other. 
Any advice good advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Clara:
I think for women we need emotional intimacy before we can have physically intimacy.

I have a few questions for you.

Do you like your husband? Are you interested in what your husband has to say? Do you enjoy conversations with him?

Another thing I found over the years that if he was brought up with having close relationships with women, such as his mom or sisters, the easier it will be for guys to have emotional intimacy in relationships.

For us I was brought up in a testosterone driven family, 4 brothers and one sister, my guy was brought up with seven sisters, he actually taught me emotional intimacy. When I am upset over anything but sex, he is very good at making me talk about it, because I have the tendency to shut up when something is bothering me.

Another thing is honesty. You need to tell him what you like and don't like, such as being touched when you are trying to sleep. If you can, tell him that you need physical touching that does not always lead into sexual touching.

Last but not least, are you having a good pregnancy? Are you feeling alright physically? Are you excited about the baby?


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## clara (Oct 7, 2008)

Mem
I am having a very good pregnancy. I am excited partly because my children are the only joy I find in life. 
Honestly, sometimes I hate my husband, but the fact is that I love him and if there was anything I could do to fix myself and our marriage, I would. 
We used to talk, but now I can't say two words to him without him turning it into me being controlling. He makes everything out to be my fault. I just avoid talking to him about anything not superficial.
He had a rough relationship with his mom, mostly because they are the same kind of personality, I think. He comes from a family of one sister and 4 brothers.
I have told him how I feel. And in a nice way I think. That was back when I could still have a meaningful talk with him once in awhile. Now, as I said, I wouldn't dare bring it up or he would instantly get mad and turn it around to something totally unrelated. He won't sit with me and cuddle without being sexual or at least just annoying.
Thanks for writing, it helps.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mem-

How did you feel about my last 2 posts? 

Let me ask you a hypothetical question. If you said to him, "honey if we don't start having a regular sex life, I am going to leave you and start dating, not because I want anyone else but you, but because I want to feel sexy, and I want sex".

What would he say?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

clara-

I am actually writing a book on this subject, and my original purpose in coming to this site was to make sure I was on the right track. I particularly value people like you because I need the withholder's perspective, as there are mostly the complainers here.

What I have found in my research mirrors what you are saying. The most common thing that puts women off sex is a build up of resentment. If the men involved knew this, they would take drastic action, but instead they just get frustrated.



clara said:


> He won't sit with me and cuddle without being sexual or at least just annoying.


When a man is sex starved, this is normal, of course that just makes you want him less, so the cycle repeats.

Could you try an experiment for me, and report back the results? You say he never wants to communicate with you.

When he is in a reasonable mood. Try this, using these exact words. 

"Darling, I would like to talk to you today about having more sex, when would be a good time?"

Then after he has feinted from shock and you have revived him, agree a time - It might be that instant or later. But say to him there will be one condition to the talk - that he is to listen to your side of the story without giving his viewpoint until you have finished.

Then when you talk, tell him that you want to make the effort to be more sexual with him, but you want certain things in return, or you want things done in a certain way etc. And then you should make your list of demands.

If you say all this sweetly, he will be desperate to have this conversation, and will hang on your every word. 

If you agree a future time, you must stick to it, do not chicken out, or he will go berserk. That is why it might be better to skillfully chose a time where you can have the conversation right away.

It might take a few attempts. what do you think, are you game?


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Mem-
> 
> How did you feel about my last 2 posts?
> 
> ...


Mr Twain I always find your posts fascinating! I did have a conversation with him four years ago, and told him that I was fantasizing about going outside the marriage for sex. He broke down in tears, and said he would never want to loose me. It got very good for awhile, actually very romantic. Then I got a job where I worked evenings and weekends, and he was still working week days, so things got put to the back burner. 

It seems his natural sex pattern is about once in nine months. Lately he has been asking about going away for a few days. This pisses me off because I work very steady from September to April, with the summer months off, there is no way I could take a few days off in a row until April. During the summer he was not interested on taking off for a few days.

But I do feel, if we had a few days off without work, or family the spark could be reignited again.

I am thinking about buying a cosmo magazine and finding a Victoria's secret catalogue and leaving it on my bed side table.

This man used to be adventurous and exciting to have sex with!


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## clara (Oct 7, 2008)

Yes, but it will be a few days. I will have to seriously consider what I want in return.
Just so you know, I have pursued avenues such as this before, however, they haven't worked, I think because we both expect the other to change first or the demands are too high.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

clara-
That's really cool!

If you can keep the first statement more or less as I stated, I would love to hear his reaction!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> For a very short interlude, I could survive on that alone, but I would get so horny from being touched and it not going any further, that in the end I would run screaming from the house.


Ya, I've done that :rofl:


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> Ya, I've done that :rofl:


Really????


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MEM said:


> Really????


lol...sure. Then i hopped in my truck and drove about 200 miles. Driving is very relaxing (it was 1am).


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> lol...sure. Then i hopped in my truck and drove about 200 miles. Driving is very relaxing (it was 1am).


LOL


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM said:


> Mr Twain I always find your posts fascinating!


In a good way, I hope 



MEM said:


> I did have a conversation with him four years ago, and told him that I was fantasizing about going outside the marriage for sex. He broke down in tears, and said he would never want to loose me. It got very good for awhile, actually very romantic.


Men work much more like machines than women. You press a button, it does something. You press it again, and usually it does the same thing. Not only that, but on this occasion, you pressed the BIG button. 

Not only that... but if he said "he would never want to loose you", he told you what his bottom line is - YOU.

Look. One day, if the angels smile at you, you might find out the *reason *for his lack of sexual advances. But for now, just go with what works.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng-

I want to have a stab at pinpointing your hubby's problem, are you interested?

You know it breaks my heart to read all these threads. My loyalties don't divide along gender lines, I just want to see everybody happy. When I see good people letting their happiness get sabotaged for the lack of a few skills it hurts. When my book is written, I hope it will make the world a better place. 

I would just like to thank everybody for putting up with my probing. I have nearly got to the end of my research. What kills me is that I can see some people are not going to be able to move forward - perhaps I just need some boundaries.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

ljtseng

How did your hubby react when you took off from the house?

Mr. Twain

I often thought with my hubby it was more laziness than anything else. It is so much easier for him to do nothing than try to do something. At one time he kinda admitted that.

This forum has really opened my eyes to extent that I don't feel so alone or freakish anymore. I do feel more confident, thanks to your posts, about being a little more direct with him.

I know he is still a sexual being, I just need to wake that side up.

Thanks for everyone's input.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MEM said:


> ljtseng
> 
> How did your hubby react when you took off from the house


Oh in his very loving way...he turned off his phone and went to bed. Brutal right...but we're doing much better.


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## askpuss (Oct 10, 2008)

Mem, 

Now, I would like to tell you a little about my situation, because I think we may have similar types of hubbies. My hubby was a virgin when we met, I was his first and have been his only. He was a virgin not out of religion or not having the ability to get it, but because he didn't value sex as a motivational factor, like so many men do. 

During the first few years of our relationship/marriage, we were like rabbits, even after our first child (though it slowed down to a couple times a week), then after our second child it slowed down to a couple times a month. Now, we are lucky to have sex once a month, sometimes going a couple of months at a time. 

I love making love with him. We have great sex when it is had. Often we will comment afterward that we need to do it more often. But, with work, kids, people taking turns being sick, and sometimes relatives spoiling our fun, it seems sex has been put on the back burner. 

My husband rarely if ever initiates sex. He has this warped idea that asking for it is being pushy and rude. So he waits to see that I am in the mood, meaning for me to flat out say "Let's get it on!" I am not keen on this, as sometimes I would like to be romanced into it, or at least thrown down on the bed once in a while. Even though my sex switch is always in the on position, it isn't that I need to be put in the mood, just shown that he wants me. 

The difference between you and I, is that I am not shy about sex. If you can have it, then you should be able to talk about it, or at least not be shy about seducing your husband into it! 

When my hubby and I have time alone (which isn't all that often especially during the summer, but more now that school has started) I get naked, walk around the house in front of him, and show him that I am up for it. Occasionally if he is doing something, I will sit where he can see me, naked, and just start touching myself. This is pretty much a guaranteed way to get a man's attention. 

You don't have to spend money on sexy little get ups, because most men are just happy with us being naked and comfortable with our bodies. It doesn't matter what we look like to ourselves (I have gotten over the stretch marks and the extra padding that seems to be staying) and I strut around like a cat in heat. He will always take the bait. 

If you try this, the strutting around in front of him, and it doesn't work without legitimate reasons (like headache, backache, or illness) then there might be a problem. 

If he tries to give you the "I'm too stressed out" line, say to him "well what better way to take your mind off it than a mind blowing orgasm?" Also, another good thing to do (if you don't already know how) is to give really good head. This is something men can't resist...and seeing their women really want their little friend is one of the biggest turn ons. Get some instructional books on the subject if it is not one of your strong points, and get to work. There is nothing that says he has to orgasm from it either (if you don't like the taste--as many women don't) and if his scent down there is not the most appealing to your nose, cover it up with some great smelling lotion on his pelvic region (just don't get it on the member it doesn't taste so good.) My personal favorite is chocolate smelling lotion on my hubby, it's like having dessert without the calories!

If you have the time, make your desires obvious. Don't be shy, cause you've been having sex with this man for years. He knows what you look like, he knows how to taste and smell, and he loves you. He just needs a nudge in the right direction. 

One good way to bring it up (naked of course) is by saying to him when you are alone "I love you. I love making love to you. And I want to make love to you as often as our circumstances allow." Also feel free to go into all the things you love about his body, not forgetting to praise him member's size, skill, and the way it makes you feel. Open the dialog on sex. If you feel shy about saying certain things, use euphemisms, like purple headed warrior, and my jade lotus flower. Also aim to make it exciting. Find out through casual conversation what kinds of fantasies he has had...maybe a school girl out fit turns him on, or a teacher, or a secretary...dress up for him and play the part. Role playing can be fun and bring a lot of spice to the bedroom. 

Go out on dates that doesn't involve sitting in a dark room not talking, i.e. movies. Go to dinner if you can, or just have a candlelit dinner at home after the kids eat. Talk about life, and bring up some sexual things casually. Play footsie under the table. Touch him as often as you can in every day activities, like rubbing his back, touching his arm, grabbing his butt. Kiss him when you see each other, not just a little peck, but a long slightly wet kiss with a tad bit of tongue action for at least 5 seconds, 10 preferably. Reach down and give his junk a little brush, or squeeze and whisper in his ear that you want him. 

If you do all these things, and still get no results or he pushes you farther away, you might want to seek marriage counseling. He may have some issue with you, or with sex that you are unaware of and it could come out in counseling. But try my tips first and see if you get results. Don't be shy about it, be forward, be the sexual creature that you feel like. The worst thing that can happen is he rejects you sexually (without one of the legitimate causes above) in which case he needs counseling. 

Good Luck
Puss
askpuss.com


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

askpuss- 

I love your posts. I just wanted to take the time to comment, but I doubt I am telling you anything you don't know.

I know of two relationships that went like yours. The man had a high libido - got rejected, and now won't initiate EVER. In one case, I heard it form the woman's point of view, in the other, I got the man's. 

In both cases, the men's egos had been crushed. When a man is young, his hormones are so strong, that being turned down is no big deal, but as a man gets older, the hormones are less in control, and that stupid organ, the mind takes over. It starts questioning everything. I could ramble on but I'm sure you get the picture...

So the answer in your case is to re-program his mind. Do two things. Initiate more often, and get sex going more often - this will get him into the habit.

The other thing to do alongside this is to wait until he is very excited - it could be just before he cums or when he is breathing very hard - the breath is the key. At this point you should whisper in his ear 2 things
1) You are so hot, you drive me wild etc...
2) Tell him that you have been fantasizing about being grabbed and taken by him without warning. Whispering: Will you do this for me soon?

You need to vary the "fantasies" a bit so he does not suspect any tricks. It might take time for him to thaw out, but it will gradually warm him up. There is a little trick to this - never bring up these particular "fantasises" outside of this situation. What happens is that people go into an altered state of conciousness just before orgasm, and you can speak directly to their innermost desires. If you try to bring it up out side of this state once you have started, he will reject the intrusion into his private world. However, if he brings it up, let him talk, and act enthusiastic. If you go down this road, do not reject his initiation attempts, or he will get very confused. If the time is totally inappropriate, say yes, but in xxx hours time after xyz, and be sex about it.

Have you had a heart-to-heart with him over this yet? I mean did you ever say to him POINT BLANK, "honey I'm so sorry I rejected you before, I'm different now"

The thing is, he just doesn't believe you DESIRE him silly boy. You need to get through. Repetition is good, so is finding new ways of telling him.

The other thing you mentioned is your busy schedules. Stop that at once! You must make time for sex. Sex comes first in my house! (it wasn't always that way).


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Wow. great posts from askpuss, and mr.twain!

My up date is: Yesterday morning we were actually in the middle of sex when hubby lost his erection! Actually I was giving him oral, when he lost his erection!

When asked about this, he simply said he has too much on his mind with work etc. He has worked all of this long weekend (it's thanksgiving here in canada this weekend)

I pretended that it didn't bother me, and he wanted to satisfy me but i simply refused. I was no longer into it.

I simply am having a hard time being around him right now. I feel crushed, ugly fat and just a bit of a failure. He tried his best to make feel ok about this, but his actions said a different story.

I am scared that our sex life is over for good.

Any advice?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM-

You did totally the wrong thing. When a man loses his erection, either continued stimulation, or a pause and followed by continued stimulation will usually get it back. It may take 10-15 minutes if he is really stressed. Specially as a man grows older, a stray thought can affect his erection, but a re-focusing will get it back. It even happens to me occasionally (but my practise of semen retention makes it almost impossible now).

By offering to concentrate on your pleasure, he was partially giving himself time to recover. Also it would have given you the chance to show him that you can still enjoy him, even if he can't perform. This is the secret of getting over performance anxiety - not letting it be a show stopper.

He probably has been nursing performance worries for some years which is why he has been avoiding sex. By making his performance an issue, you have made his worse nightmares come true. Worrying about erections is almost the only thing that causes men to lose erections. It has nothing to do with the woman at all.

It's not your fault you don't understand male physiology - they don't teach this at high school - Basically erections are caused by desire, but the smooth muscle in the penis needs to relax in order to let the blood flow in. If there is desire, but at the same time stress and tension, the smooth muscle will not relax, so no erection can occur. You did not need to take it personally. In young men, the hormones are so high that stress is not normally enough to cause loss of erection. As a man gets older, he needs to get his ducks in a row.

It is not too late, you could actually turn this around to your mutual benefit if you are smart. Go and apologise to him, and say you did not realise he was having stress and anxiety about maintaining erections, and you realise you handled it totally wrong. Tell him you thought it was you not being sexy enough - to which he will say it's not you it's him. And it will be the truth.

Then you need to get him to agree to practising more often with handjobs and BJs - with the stipulation, that his erection should come and go as they please.

You need to find out how many times he is ejaculating per week also, and report back here, I assume he is masturbating most weeks, so we may as well get that out in the open.

I know you said that you were shy about sex, but believe me, if you don't tackle this now, then you are correct, your sex life will be gone for ever. He may even feel suicidal. Losing my erection is the worse thing I have ever experienced bar NOTHING.

Don't let even one more night go by, get him naked tonight, don't let him run away from you. If 15 minutes of stimulation get you nowhere, let him bring you to orgasm, and give him another 15. After a few time of doing this, he will relax - as long as you are super loving. You are going to have to really nurse his ego, and eat humble pie I'm afraid.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

thank you mr.twain for your insightful male point of view!!


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

It's not your fault you don't understand male physiology - they don't teach this at high school - Basically erections are caused by desire, but the smooth muscle in the penis needs to relax in order to let the blood flow in. If there is desire, but at the same time stress and tension, the smooth muscle will not relax, so no erection can occur. You did not need to take it personally. In young men, the hormones are so high that stress is not normally enough to cause loss of erection. As a man gets older, he needs to get his ducks in a row.

Thank-you Mr. Twain, I just learned a whole lot about the male body.

I should have continued with the act, but at that moment I had also lost desire. I did not know a man could lose an erection and regain it so fast! I thought it would take hours.
This just gave me a whole new perception on what happened.

I think you are right that I do need to apologize to him for what happened. I can tell he has been distance to me in the last day or so. I also think you are right in the fact that I need to keep pursuing him as soon as I can. 

Thank you again for the interesting response. I will keep you posted.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM said:


> I can tell he has been distance to me in the last day or so.


Not just the last day or so. I fear he has had performance anxiety for years. So you really need to make him feel comfortable - without letting him wriggle out of intimacy 

What might help is if you can remember something that really turns him on - something naughty perhaps.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Are you saying I should seduce? Are you saying I should romance him? Are you say I should coddle him? How do I make him comfortable? I am afraid to talk about it with him right now, because I think he will just shut down. I do need to get him back into the mood though!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM-
He has already shut down, you need to act to stop it becoming permanent.

As for asking about cuddling and making him comfortable, are you not doing these things already? Have you not been doing them for your entire marriage? Anyway, the answer is YES  

I don't know if you both sleep naked, but you should. And your hand should be all over his butt and elsewhere. Get into his head and find out what is sexy for him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MEM said:


> When asked about this, he simply said he has too much on his mind with work etc. He has worked all of this long weekend (it's thanksgiving here in canada this weekend)


Do you know if he looks at porn? I only ask because this has happened to me, too, but it was b/c my H was always looking at porn.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Mr. Twain:
Sleeping naked? Honey I live in Canada! Do you know how cold it is right now. I sleep in flannel pjs along with fluffy socks. I put on a robe when I go to the bathroom at night. I could sleep naked, but I would be shaking the whole night, and not in a good way.

ljteng: I know hubby does not look at porn, he is very computer illiterate. I know he does not masturbate either. It is still a very insightful question though.

I also I know that he rarely even fantasize about sex. He says he rarely even thinks about it.

Thank-you both again, for your insightful comments.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM-
He appears to have a low libido on top of everything else. If you could put him on high quality fish oil capsules - after 2 weeks, he should be getting quite horny.

If you join the website below, and ask Marrena how much to give him, she will tell you. And you must get a high quality brand. With 50% of the volume as EPA and DHA

Forums - The Orgasmic Diet


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