# cheating wife



## john1000 (Sep 13, 2011)

I have been married for almost 20 years,I have 3 kids with my wife.Recently my wife has had a relationship with a younger guy who live just down the road from our home.She promised that she would not see him again,but I have seen them together recently-she is still seeing him.

She met him at our local Bar where we socialize most weekends.


The humiliation has been unbearable as everybody in our village knows about this affair,I was the last person to find out.

My question is this :

What should I do, I know this is a strange question,I'm unable to make a decision as my head is in such a mess.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I posted this in your other thread:

_If she is still having an affair after you've told her to end it, you can either tolerate it or terminate your relationship with her.

Get tested for STDs. _

Then you wrote back that you would have done that before you had kids.

So I will assume you are going to tolerate her behavior for the children to have a "mom and dad" home but with her openly cheating. 

If so, then you already know what the score is. 

If you do the same, you will get the same.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you think the humiliation is bad now just wait until you spend a significant amount of time staying with her while she continues to **** your neighbor.

Then you will have deserved the humiliation.

Take steps to end it, maybe she`ll come around once she realizes you`re serious and not her doormat.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

You can either stay in hopes she stops seeing him,(which may or may not happen) then you both should attend MC to help repair your marriage if its what you both want. OR you get out of the marriage.


----------



## john1000 (Sep 13, 2011)

tacoma said:


> If you think the humiliation is bad now just wait until you spend a significant amount of time staying with her while she continues to **** your neighbor.
> 
> Then you will have deserved the humiliation.
> 
> Take steps to end it, maybe she`ll come around once she realizes you`re serious and not her doormat.


Is it possible to forgive this over time?or would I be better just moving on??


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

john1000 said:


> Is it possible to forgive this over time?or would I be better just moving on??



You can always forgive, but you'll never forget. Some would say, I can forgive you as a person, but I don't have to forgive you as a wife. 

The reason why I say this is because, you caught her, she said she's sorry and it would never happen again.....and it happened again. No one can tell you what to do; let's face it, it's your life. All we can do is offer advice.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only you can decide whether to forgive or move on. If you decide to forgive, you can't restore your marriage while she's continuing her affair. Unless you opt for an open marriage and are ok with being openly cheated on.

I can promise you though--you will never forget.

You mentioned in your other thread that you were hoping the kids never find out--um, if the entire village knows, your children will eventually know (if they don't already).


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

There's no point in thinking of forgiveness until she ends the affair. After that, it's a personal decision. Many couples can make it through the reconciliation process, but many don't. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

john1000 said:


> Is it possible to forgive this over time?or would I be better just moving on??


It depends upon your wife's actions and your tolerance for betrayal and humiliation.

Your wife could end the affair and recommit herself to your marriage. Your wife could refuse to end the affair, yet want to remain married to you. Or, your wife could decide she wants to divorce you in favor of the other man.

Each of these scenarios, combined again with your tolerance for the harm she has done to your marriage, will determine the ease with which you can forgive her.

Many people on these boards have suffered through an affair, had the disloyal spouse come out of the fog and recommit to the marriage, and forgiven them. So it is possible.

However, the best strategy for ending your wife's affair will be an implementation of some or all of the 180 checklist.
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You actually live in a village? What country do you live in? Curious, don't most "villages" consist of a couple hundred people max?. Your saying that "everyone" in this community you live in has been aware of this affair?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> Many couples can make it through the reconciliation process, but many don't.


The TRUTH.


----------



## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

_I posted this on your other thread:_

I should have kicked my selfish, lying, manipulative wife out months ago. It took me 18 months of bull**it, game playing and lies to finally get fed up and cut her off. I take ZERO bull**it from her now and she is whining and crying foul. Tough.

I would get very serious and tell her its over. It might hurt right now if you love her but you will be saving yourself a lot of grief and pain in the long run. And it might make her pull her head out of her a** and start acting right. If you play it soft she will tell you ti is over and she will stop, and might actually stop for a while, but it will resume with this guy or another.

And you say it is humiliating. Re-gain your dignity and show her (and everyone else) what will and won't be tolerated. I've been there.


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Well is your wife done with this guy? Also it was very ballsy to carry on the affair open in your small town. Total disrespect.


----------



## john1000 (Sep 13, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You actually live in a village? What country do you live in? Curious, don't most "villages" consist of a couple hundred people max?. Your saying that "everyone" in this community you live in has been aware of this affair?


it seems to me that everybody must know,maybe some people don't know-I'm sure some people don't know- I was speaking symbolically.

The population is about 50 one bar, one shop, one church, what's you point that if a couple of people don't know that makes it better??


----------



## john1000 (Sep 13, 2011)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Well is your wife done with this guy? Also it was very ballsy to carry on the affair open in your small town. Total disrespect.


I think that's what really gets me the fact she did it where we live-if she had an affair at work it might be easier to deal with-but at my local bar.
If it wasn't for the kids they are still young I would be gone -emptied the bank accounts and disappeared .


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

John the 1st thing you should do is start a journel and focus on should I keep her or should she go.
Make two columns, a pro's and con's list if you will.

The second thing is you should ask her if she wants to stay married to you. Her response will tell what you need to do next.

If she doesn't want to stay married to you then it is time to move on.

But, if she does want to stay married to you, well then you may have some power after all. 

The last thing you must look at is if you are prepared to end your marriage. Until this time you will continue to get hurt by your cheating wife.

See if she really wants to stay married and she really believes she will lose you then there is a chance. But the thing here is I strongly believe you have begged and cried for your marriage only to empower your cheating wife to do what ever the hell she want b/c you won't do a dam thing about it.

One more thing John, when you do start to stand up for your self and your W starts to label you as controlling, you have only one thing to tell her, and that is " it is her choice to do what ever she wants but you will not be with her if she continue cheating"


See man, you can't control her so don't even try. Its not about her any more bro, its about you now. Its about what you do and how you behave. Strong, confident, and calm....being someone that is in control and *can* move on with out her.

The kids have nothing to do with how you hold your self, in fact they will see a man that commands respect, a good lesson to learn for little ones.

You my friend need to change and start looking at your self as a strong man that can take care of his kids, his business, and him self.

Letting this cheating wife of your define who you are is messed up, she brings out the worst in you, and that is no way being a good example to your kids.

So please stop looking at this with regard to what you can do to win your cheating wife back, but how your cheating wife can wine you back before you bail.

Bottom line is you chick needs to believe you are truely capable of being on your own *with your kids* and have no problem in kicking her out if she continues. Being indifferent towards your wife is best right now until she can stop all contact with her boyfriend.

Last thing, keep that anger and crying in check, nothing says strength and confidence like a man can be calm and collected.


Go work out and take care of your self, clean your self up and prepare for the worse. If you love your family fight for it, but remember sometimes you just have to let them go. And its true it has to get worse before it gets better.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

john1000 said:


> The population is about 50 one bar, one shop, one church, what's you point that if a couple of people don't know that makes it better??


No, I didn't make a point. I wanted an answer to see if I could wrap my mind around what you must be feeling. 

It's tough enough dealing with betrayal, and cheating in a big city or large community where you have some hope of amonimity or privacy.. Under the magnifying glass of a small, tight knit community it must be brutal. 

The fact that your wife would do this to you knowing that, or just not caring enough about you or the kids to protect you from 'her actions' and the 'public' fallout speaks volumes.

Maybe you should accept that your marriage is over, what your thnking about 'saving' can't be saved. The wife and marriage you remember, they are a just a memory. Gone.

The only thing possible here is to 'build' something new. Build a new life and new family with this women. That is not entirely your choice, it takes 2. You have 1, you. Get her on board maybe thats an option. 

Right now, your choices are 1. put up with it. 2. don't.

I'm very sorry for you.


----------



## john1000 (Sep 13, 2011)

the guy said:


> John the 1st thing you should do is start a journel and focus on should I keep her or should she go.
> Make two columns, a pro's and con's list if you will.
> 
> The second thing is you should ask her if she wants to stay married to you. Her response will tell what you need to do next.
> ...


this forum is a great help -thank you for you response


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm never going to understand why some men feel the need to try and "win" their wives back. When my SO found out I was cheating I was told to make a choice. If I hadn't made my choice for us he would have made the choice for me. 

You shouldn't have to hope your wife comes back. She should be the one on her knees begging your forgiveness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john1000 (Sep 13, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No, I didn't make a point. I wanted an answer to see if I could wrap my mind around what you must be feeling.
> 
> It's tough enough dealing with betrayal, and cheating in a big city or large community where you have some hope of amonimity or privacy.. Under the magnifying glass of a small, tight knit community it must be brutal.
> 
> ...


I feel very weak right now,I love my wife very much always did.I want to wake up and find this is just a bad dream,I haven't got the strength to do the right thing-I hear what your saying -My friends have told me to write a letter to my kids explaining what happened-leave the letter with our family lawyer and f**k**f---- disappear.

I know shes deserves this


----------



## john1000 (Sep 13, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I'm never going to understand why some men feel the need to try and "win" their wives back. When my SO found out I was cheating I was told to make a choice. If I hadn't made my choice for us he would have made the choice for me.
> 
> You shouldn't have to hope your wife comes back. She should be the one on her knees begging your forgiveness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I want her to come back on her knees begging for my forgiveness-If she did this I would be happy to move on-she loves this guy and shes not thinking straight.My kids love her, adore her I'm trying not to destroy there perfect little world.

It's so complicated.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

My heart goes out to you my friend. This is a horrible, horrible situation. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!

This is exactly what my wife wanted. She told me about the affair, then continued it. Unlike you. I went ballistic and chucked her out. 
I went No Contact. 
I was in agony, the person I had loved for 25 years was openly and deliberately hurting me, my children. 
The sense of entitlement is mind blowing.

Listen to what people are saying. Look at yourself. She is disrespecting you. 
She cares NOTHING for your feelings, despite her saying she does. I am sure she tells you that she loves you but this is something she "has to do". Something that is "beyond her control".. 

My friend. The day you say NO MORE to her is the day your agony will half. 
Your marriage as you knew it is over. Sorry. Really, really sorry.

You MUST ACT.
You will have your self respect. Your kids need someone in their life who does the right thing. 
Your Kids NEED to see that their Father will not be walked all over. Your kids NEED to see that you are strong. 

Do not allow this to continue. Your wife and new BF are using your pain to fuel their affair. 

I say it again...
SHE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. 
DO IT NOW. 
DO IT FOR YOU
Mostly though
DO IT FOR YOUR KIDS.

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE.. She can go to her BF's

I am so sorry. I really am.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Is this guy gonna support her, is he gonna take care of her---I doubt it, and you sure as he*l don't want him around your kids

As was said above---tell her to make a choice----you cannot continue to allow yourself to be used----she needs to be accountable for what she has done

If you are thinking of trying to stay with her, and I am not sure why you would want to,----but if you do wanna try for a R., then spell it out---tell her she ends it now, goes NC, and becomes completely transparent about everything, set in strict boundaries, with actionable consequences---NOT WORDS

If she refuses, kids or no kids, tell her D. is on the table immediately------

Somewhere down the line, she may come to her senses, and decide to stay with you---you can then take her back or not, that is up to you, and some of that decision, needs to be based on her reason for wanting to stay, of which there could be many, and not all of them helpful to you or the mge.

One other thing you could do---if she decides to leave----send her on her way, and take ALL her clothes, ALL, her cosmetics, and sundries, and dump them on the front lawn of her lover, and tell her you assume this is where she is going, so you will help her move!!!---I promise you that will make a statement for all to see, and know, you are not gonna be walked upon.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She continue in the affair after telling her to stop and continues to humiliate, disrespect and put you at risk for STD's. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been? If you do not respect yourself then who will? Why would any wife respect a husband that does nothing as she continues to screw another man right under his nose?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I know how weak you feel, I'll never ever forget how I shaked when I finaly looked at what was really going on, but I had to be strong for my self and for my kids. There perfect little world....hell my perfect little world was distroyed not by me and what I did next, but by my cheating wife and her choices.

In my case this crap went of for years and I finaly had enough. Give your self a break your marriage didn't get to were it is now over night, it will take time to figure it all out again. 

Its easy to let this define you and to go about your life hour by hour b/c your wife love her boyfriend, but you have a choice here, take it laying down or stand up and forbid this sh!t from defeating you.

Its not what knocks you down that counts, its how you get back up that matter.


I know it suck and it is hard as hell, eat get your strength up and do not make any split second disicion. Give your self the time and let this emotional stab in the back settle. Soon and even now you have children that are depending on you b/c soon their mother will no longer be around.

My kids mom slipped away as she got more involved with multiable men, she was not the same mother they once had. But they have there dad...me the guy with the cheating wife and a hole in my heart, but I will not let my kids see this. no matter how screwed my marriage is I will not tolorate or let my wife bring me down with her.

You have to get back up, you must get back up!


----------



## john1000 (Sep 13, 2011)

RWB said:


> PIT,
> 
> I with you on this one. Do you sense maybe Eastern European with the "village" aspect? Also, I am wary of trolls on TAM more than ever. You can almost sense them at 1 paragraph.
> 
> ...


The village is in England, -You sound kind of racist


----------



## john1000 (Sep 13, 2011)

RWB said:


> PIT,
> 
> I with you on this one. Do you sense maybe Eastern European with the "village" aspect? Also, I am wary of trolls on TAM more than ever. You can almost sense them at 1 paragraph.
> 
> ...


you have small villages in America also, correct?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Interesting, what happened to the cheating wife?
Or have we moved on already?

I guess if your going to "just let them go" it may as well be quick!


----------



## john1000 (Sep 13, 2011)

ing said:


> My heart goes out to you my friend. This is a horrible, horrible situation. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!
> 
> This is exactly what my wife wanted. She told me about the affair, then continued it. Unlike you. I went ballistic and chucked her out.
> I went No Contact.
> ...


I won't leave the house I want to be with my kids-I feel like leaving sometimes ,but I won't I have good friends in the Village where I live, they are a good support network,it's difficult to face everyone but I do have good support there .


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I'm never going to understand why some men feel the need to try and "win" their wives back. When my SO found out I was cheating I was told to make a choice. If I hadn't made my choice for us he would have made the choice for me.
> 
> You shouldn't have to hope your wife comes back. She should be the one on her knees begging your forgiveness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Pidge, I totally agree with you. I don't understand it either. If someone is even lucky enough to be given a chance at reconciliation after cheating then you'd think they'd be so thankful. If they continue with stepping out there should be no other chance. They are blatantly disrespecting their spouse and showing the marriage is not a priority. The betrayed should cut off the relationship right there. No need to beg or lose their self respect and dignity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

My wife requested in her original divorce petition and temporary order that I move out. I refused and responded that I be awarded the marital residence. She was refusing to leave and finally I kind of drove her out. She is currently living with a divorced friend. It appears that her life kinda sucks. She is over here about 5 evenings a week to see the kids and try to get them to go over there for the night. They rarely want to go. My oldest (angry teenager) won't talk to her. She leaves here crying about half the time. I feel sorry for her sometimes, but she needs to suffer. She made bad choices, I didn't. 

Like the poster said above, my wife has gotten worse and worse at being a mom. She wants to be a teenage girl. Make her leave. Hopefully her life will suck. When my wife initially wanted to separate months ago I was terrified that she would be out there doing who knows what and I would have no control over her. I should have packed her bags right then. My marriage counselor has told me for months to let her go and let her get a taste of reality and what her life will be like. I should have listened. Now our marriage has deteriorated to the point where it isn't fixable. I am happier that she isn't here anymore. Your wife needs to move out, not you. She needs to suffer if she is going to continue to do that. I should have made mine suffer a lot sooner.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Pidge, I totally agree with you. I don't understand it either. If someone is even lucky enough to be given a chance at reconciliation after cheating then you'd think they'd be so thankful. If they continue with stepping out there should be no other chance. They are blatantly disrespecting their spouse and showing the marriage is not a priority. The betrayed should cut off the relationship right there. No need to beg or lose their self respect and dignity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



^^^ I agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Unless there is a long history of major problems in your mge., and your wife has had enuff, and is turning elsewhere-----your wife doesn't love this guy---she is infatuated with him, there is hot passion going on---he is younger, probably to her he is sexier, maybe he performs differently, giving her something new/exiting/different---she is very probably bored/tired/unhappy with her mge., it is the same old, same old, and she craves some passion, and excitement---which has probably gone out of your mge

This is a major problem, at different points in a mge., this is no excuse, as she could solve the problem by forcing communication with you instead of giving herself to another man

Is she still living in your home---if so make it clear to her, she can't stay, as long as she is with the other man----make it clear to her, you will do everything to make the mge work, but if she intends to continue to "dis" you, you will move on w/out her----you have to be strong, and stand up to her---do not be mr. nice--guy-----and no lovey-dovey, as that is nothing but manipulation on her part, let her know you will not take sloppy seconds!!!

Be strong, and stand tall


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Pidge, I totally agree with you. I don't understand it either. If someone is even lucky enough to be given a chance at reconciliation after cheating then you'd think they'd be so thankful. If they continue with stepping out there should be no other chance. They are blatantly disrespecting their spouse and showing the marriage is not a priority. The betrayed should cut off the relationship right there. No need to beg or lose their self respect and dignity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because, at least for someone like me (a recovering nice guy), we didn't understand how someone can logically choose to have an affair, we must assume our spouse is acting in good faith just like us otherwise why would they marry us? Thus, there must be something wrong with them and we already committed to them forever through sickness and health. I realize that when they chose to cheat THEY broke the vow, however the loyal spouse is still invested in the marriage and when we see them in "the fog" we choose to treat is as a hurdle to overcome, the "sickness" we committed to deal with. For the nice guys there was no such thing as a dealbreaker, and so losing the marriage is just as undignified as begging to get it back, self-respect didn't factor into our decision.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lon--Pidge and I were both the "disloyals." So coming from us, what we are saying does carry weight.

I hear you but I don't agree with what you're saying. The only thing a person in an affair responds well to is HARD consequences for their behavior. And a desire to want the marriage.

If someone is blatantly disrespecting the marriage and carrying on an A after you have told them to stop, they DO NOT consider the marriage a priority. 

The sooner the betrayed spouse accepts that and wakes up from their own fog of tryihg to get someone back who is so clearly NOT into being marrieed, the better for all parties.

Let them go w/ one quick surgical cut. 

"I will not be your back up plan. I deserve better. You want to continue your affair after you told me it was over and then you lied about it and are still having an affair? No problem. Good luck and goodbye." 

Then file some some paperwork. 

And some don't even give the second chance. There is teh whole, "Oh you cheated on me? Done. Goodbye and good luck."

If someone does not respect themself first, you can bet your a$$ their wayward spouse won't.


----------



## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Lon--Pidge and I were both the "disloyals." So coming from us, what we are saying does carry weight.
> 
> I hear you but I don't agree with what you're saying. The only thing a person in an affair responds well to is HARD consequences for their behavior. And a desire to want the marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Also, time and time again, the kids suffer in relationships that "Stay" together for the kids sake. No one is truly invested in the home anymore, the BS's head is spinning from what happened and DS is taking every free second for the affair. Keeping that in mind, how much good attention do the kids really get then? And what example is being set for them? Kids aren't ignorant. They eventually will figure out that not only is something wrong, eventually they will find out what. It may be months or years, but they will find out and looking at the situation, how will they handle similar issues in their future lives?

Q~


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Lon said:


> Because, at least for someone like me (a recovering nice guy), we didn't understand how someone can logically choose to have an affair, we must assume our spouse is acting in good faith just like us otherwise why would they marry us? Thus, there must be something wrong with them and we already committed to them forever through sickness and health. I realize that when they chose to cheat THEY broke the vow, however the loyal spouse is still invested in the marriage and when we see them in "the fog" we choose to treat is as a hurdle to overcome, the "sickness" we committed to deal with. For the nice guys there was no such thing as a dealbreaker, and so losing the marriage is just as undignified as begging to get it back, self-respect didn't factor into our decision.


I agree with this. Why do people make it out that a husband/wife who wants to fight for their marriage is giving up their dignity. It's like no one really understands what the vows mean or what it means to love someone unconditionally. When you live in this way, there is no deal breaker, as was previously mentioned. You said you would love them no matter what on your wedding day, right? There were no conditions in the vows, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

JB, there is nothing really to disagree with, you said you didn't understand and I was simply offering an explanation from my point of view. However, yeah that point of view did not work out for me and I am learning that I was wrong trying to hold the relationship together. I also did mention that I am now a "recovering" nice guy and admit that I wasn't respecting myself, and realize that nor did my stbxw respect me. I am working on that part of myself for myself, and have mostly let it go and am continuing to focus on letting it go and moving on. Not just moving on but finding my strengths again! I guarantee I'm not going to treat myself in a relationship like that again, nor is anyone else going to have the chance to walk on me like that again.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> I agree with this. Why do people make it out that a husband/wife who wants to fight for their marriage is giving up their dignity. It's like no one really understands what the vows mean or what it means to love someone unconditionally. When you live in this way, there is no deal breaker, as was previously mentioned. You said you would love them no matter what on your wedding day, right? There were no conditions in the vows, right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually, fidelity is a big part of the marital vows. So if someone steps on on the fidelity part, they have broken the vows. 

Re: dignity... there is nothing wrong with fighting for a marriage. However, when you are the only one fighting for it, you have no marriage to speak of. Marriage is a two-way street. And if someone is walking down a third street happily, while you stand at the lamppost crying and begging, watching them walk off with someone else, you need to get yourself together and accept the reality of your situation. Protect yourself. Because your spouse does not have your best interests anymore.

Mr. Quatto--ITA. When children are involved its even more important to set a good example. Watching mommy or daddy carry on their affair right in front of the family while you sit idly by twiddling your fingers and crying/begging for a miracle while your spouse laughs in your face about it--is setting a HORRIBLE example for them.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lon said:


> However, yeah that point of view did not work out for me and I am learning that I was wrong trying to hold the relationship together. I also did mention that I am now a "recovering" nice guy and admit that I wasn't respecting myself, and realize that nor did my stbxw respect me. I am working on that part of myself for myself, and have mostly let it go and am continuing to focus on letting it go and moving on. Not just moving on but finding my strengths again! I guarantee I'm not going to treat myself in a relationship like that again, nor is anyone else going to have the chance to walk on me like that again.


Good for you. Respect yourself. Others will follow suit. And those who don't--you do not need them in your life.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Actually, fidelity is a big part of the marital vows. So if someone steps on on the fidelity part, they have broken the vows.
> 
> Re: dignity... there is nothing wrong with fighting for a marriage. However, when you are the only one fighting for it, you have no marriage to speak of. Marriage is a two-way street. And if someone is walking down a third street happily, while you stand at the lamppost crying and begging, watching them walk off with someone else, you need to get yourself together and accept the reality of your situation. Protect yourself. Because your spouse does not have your best interests anymore.
> 
> Mr. Quatto--ITA. When children are involved its even more important to set a good example. Watching mommy or daddy carry on their affair right in front of the family while you sit idly by twiddling your fingers and crying/begging for a miracle while your spouse laughs in your face about it--is setting a HORRIBLE example for them.



Well said my friend!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MrQuatto said:


> :Also, time and time again, the kids suffer in relationships that "Stay" together for the kids sake. No one is truly invested in the home anymore, the BS's head is spinning from what happened and DS is taking every free second for the affair. Keeping that in mind, how much good attention do the kids really get then? And what example is being set for them? Kids aren't ignorant. They eventually will figure out that not only is something wrong, eventually they will find out what. It may be months or years, but they will find out and looking at the situation, how will they handle similar issues in their future lives?


Very good point. Additionally, not only will your children find out, but so will their friends. Your inaction of allowing the affair will have them lose respect for you as they have to endure cruel comments. In the end, they will side with your wife. She will tell your children that you were too weak a man for her (and they will agree), and that she stayed in the marriage only because of them.

Now is the time to do the right thing. Either have her respect you and your marriage or leave. If you leave now, your children will respect you and blame her for the rest of their lives.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No, I didn't make a point. I wanted an answer to see if I could wrap my mind around what you must be feeling.
> 
> It's tough enough dealing with betrayal, and cheating in a big city or large community where you have some hope of amonimity or privacy.. Under the magnifying glass of a small, tight knit community it must be brutal.
> 
> ...


The wife may not know everyone else knows. She probably thinks she has everything under control.

It always goes bad for the guys that don't man up.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> I agree with this. Why do people make it out that a husband/wife who wants to fight for their marriage is giving up their dignity. It's like no one really understands what the vows mean or what it means to love someone unconditionally. When you live in this way, there is no deal breaker, as was previously mentioned. You said you would love them no matter what on your wedding day, right? There were no conditions in the vows, right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The vows are between two people, she broke the vows. There is no longer a vow for you to keep.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

marksaysay said:


> I agree with this. Why do people make it out that a husband/wife who wants to fight for their marriage is giving up their dignity.


It depends on what you mean by fighting for your marriage. If you mean standing up to your disloyal spouse, stating your willingness to take him or her back (as long as the affair ends), and then being willing to divorce if necessary, then there is nothing undignified in that. If you mean accepting the affair and hoping that your spouse either dumps or gets dumped by the other person, so that the marriage can survive, then that is undignified.

I've never seen anyone on these boards write, after a divorce, "I sure am glad that I accepted being cuckolded for as long as I did."


marksaysay said:


> It's like no one really understands what the vows mean or what it means to love someone unconditionally. When you live in this way, there is no deal breaker, as was previously mentioned. You said you would love them no matter what on your wedding day, right? There were no conditions in the vows, right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Marriage is conditional. In this country, the most restrictive definition of marriage is probably the Christian definition. Yet even Christ allowed for the possibility of divorce after infidelity.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I've never seen anyone on these boards write, after a divorce, "I sure am glad that I accepted being cuckolded for as long as I did."


:rofl:


----------

