# Depressed and wanting to go back



## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

I need a support system to keep me from crawling back to my wayward wife.

Long story short, I found out my wife had a physical affair, I tried to reconcile for 2 years and she did try in most ways to work with me. She definitely did not want to divorce but I could not get beyond the anger and I did not trust her at all. I was constantly checking up on her, calling her at work, having her send me pictures - it was a nightmare. The constant suspicion was worse than the constant anger. So 5 months ago, I left and filed for divorce. 

I have girlfriend now that really likes me. I actually have more disposable income now than I've had since I married since I'm kind of old school and turned my paycheck over to my wife. I should be happy but I'm always depressed and I can't get over it. I want to call her and try again but I know it won't. The depression will be replaced by anger and suspicion. 

Life sucks but it should be better now; it's not.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Invest in some IC. Money will be better spent.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Think of it like this if OM's wife hadn't clued you in you'd still be getting his leftovers. 

It's not as if she was honest and confessed. Then she only told you about what time period you knew. Which is probably the "tip of the iceberg".

You really want to go back to that? Seriously?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The other thing is once she found out about your girlfriend she dropped you like a hot potato.

Wasn't as much fun for her when the shoe was on the other foot was it?

You're probably dealing with some codependency issues and may not know it.

Like most your thoughts of who she was and who she actually is a wide margin.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@Marc878

Everything you are saying is true, especially the "tip of the iceberg" comment but I'm dealing more with the way I feel. I haven't bothered at all studying up on divorce, even though I'm an expert now on infidelity. I do know men have a harder time with divorce than women so I'm guessing she has moved on quickly. I haven't heard a single word from her for 3 months, including no contact with my daughters. My lawyer said it probably isn't a good idea to just go over there and knock on her door. 

I don't know. Honestly, if I knew for a fact that she would still want to reconcile, I would contact her. If she were to contact me today and ask if we could try and work things out, I would agree. 

IC is probably the next logical step.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can only reconcile with the full truth. If not you'll end up where you've been for the last two years. In misery of wandering about the party you weren't invited to. Unless you want to try and rugsweep it and live in resentment for the rest of your life. 

However, don't expect her to get over your girlfriend and give it another try. I'd bet she's not as forgiving and willing like you were. Funny how that works isn't it?

If she were I'd bet her boundaries would be for you to forget about her affair and just "get over it".

It takes awhile for your heart to sync up to what your minds been telling you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Secondguessing said:


> @Marc878
> 
> Everything you are saying is true, especially the "tip of the iceberg" comment but I'm dealing more with the way I feel. I haven't bothered at all studying up on divorce, even though I'm an expert now on infidelity. I do know men have a harder time with divorce than women so I'm guessing she has moved on quickly.* I haven't heard a single word from her for 3 months, including no contact with my daughters.* My lawyer said it probably isn't a good idea to just go over there and knock on her door.
> 
> ...


She can't keep you from seeing your kids. That's your fault for letting that go. 

Get some visitation set up yesterday!!!! I hope you don't get knocked for abandoning your kids. But it sounds like she may have a case against you on that. Your attorney should know this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The other thing is rebounds can get you right back into a bad situation. You don't just jump into another relationship in a couple months. 

You can't go back and undo what you've done now but you need to fix yourself for the future or you'll just ruin any other relationship. No woman is going to stand for an X or the memory of an X in her relationship with you long term.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

At this time if you go crawling back to your X it will be life on her terms not yours.

You'd better wake up and understand where you are at this time.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Who was her OM? Co worker, friend? It's not clear in your other post.

Sounds like she didn't want to deal with the aftermath of her affair. Shedding some tears and not wanting a divorce doesn't count for much. It takes two to R with her doing the heavy lifting.

I think you need to give this more time. You've only been out 5 months. You tried for two years. 

Your wife apparently moved on quick and maybe back with her OM. I would inform the OMW I'd filed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Secondguessing said:


> @Marc878
> 
> Everything you are saying is true, especially the "tip of the iceberg" comment but I'm dealing more with the way I feel. I haven't bothered at all studying up on divorce, even though I'm an expert now on infidelity. I do know men have a harder time with divorce than women so I'm guessing she has moved on quickly. I haven't heard a single word from her for 3 months, including no contact with my daughters. My lawyer said it probably isn't a good idea to just go over there and knock on her door.
> 
> ...


How old are your daughters?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Why don' t you see your daughters?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Get a lawyer. Get to work on a parenting plan and file it with the court.

Don't waste any more time feeling sorry for yourself.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You KNOW you cant go back to that, it will not work any more than it did the first time. Its just a matter of digging deep inside yourself and finding strength. 

Oh, and I would also suggest you break up with your poor girlfriend, you are not ready for a relationship and she doesnt deserve you being only half there.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

OK, I will take a stab at it. I left my ex fiancee for cheating. I knew that I might forgive her but I would never forget her. I could not live knowing that I would be suspicious of her all the time and feel almost the same as if she was still cheating. Sooner or later she would resent my constant suspicions and accusations and cheat again. I decided to cut her loose and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It enabled me to meet my loyal and wonderful wife of 44 years. Plus my ex fiancee went on to cheat on her husband and is now married to a woman.

Love cannot be willed into or out of existence so it is very possible that you still love her. I got over that with a new girlfriend. Your depression can be due to other reasons like feeling you were not man enough for her, which is a common feeling. No matter what the cause you need to speak to your doctor. That is what I did and after putting me on medication my life has been much improved. I feel happy and unstressed most days. My wife loves me when I am being treated for my depression. Have no idea of why I feel depressed since I have a good job, was successful in my profession and a long and loving marriage. Nonetheless I would wake up not finding a reason to get out of bed. I was fatigued all the time and I obsessively though of negative things which kept me from sleeping. Now I have none of that so speak to your doctor. There is no shame in it as a large percentage of the population suffers from some sort of depression and whether you take pills or talk therapy, it will make a significant difference in your life. A Psychologist will do talk therapy while a Physciatrist will mostly just prescribe pills as your family doctor will do also at a much cheaper price. 

Do something for your depression and the rest of your life will be better for it.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

It's rather telling that you don't say anything about missing your daughters and you don't say anything about how you feel about your girlfriend or how she might be affected if you left her. It's all about your feelings and what you want without much if any regard for the 3 people who are probably the most important people in your life.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@stixx



> It's rather telling that you don't say anything about missing your daughters and you don't say anything about how you feel about your girlfriend or how she might be affected if you left her. It's all about your feelings and what you want without much if any regard for the 3 people who are probably the most important people in your life.


I can't say that you are wrong about that - I just can't help it. Of course I love my daughters and there are instants when thinking of them almost knocks me over but for the most part, I think about my wife. 

As far as my girlfriend, I just had the strangest encounter with her last week. After dinner and a walk, we were having coffee, she inches her chair closer and says, out of the blue, she thinks we should just be friends. I was really caught off guard but not like devasted but I wanted to know why and she's saying things like, "no chemistry," "different relationship goals" then out of the blue bursts into tears. It was really weird. We have been texting but we haven't seen each other this whole past week.

I don't think about her at all.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Secondguessing said:


> I can't say that you are wrong about that - I just can't help it. *Of course I love my daughters and there are instants when thinking of them almost knocks me over* but for the most part, I think about my wife.


This, right now you need to think of your daughters, get yourself back in their life, get contact sorted, see them, speak to them, don't let them get distanced. You love them they are your life and your future right now, don't leave it and become alienated.
I understand your thoughts for your wife, I have been there and done that, but given your posts I don't see anything left in it for you as a marriage, but you have everything as a father, they are your girls and always will be no matter, unless you extend that distance.

They will give you something more than you know right now, lift the depression, give a real purpose, a connection enduring love and a reason for you to give devotion. It will fill your time and life and you will brighten up and move on, and you will be their Dad, the Dad they want and need. You clearly have the emotion in you for them as just thinking of them almost a knocks you over. So go, go see them live for them right now, get that part sorted and enjoy it.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Have you obtained the paperwork to file a parenting plan?

One foot in front of the other.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Secondguessing said:


> @stixx
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She sensed that she was just a rebound.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

I finally had my first court hearing today and got a few things resolved.

Based on my gross salary of 55K per year, I'll have to pay between $600 to $800 per mnth for child support and spousal support wasn't even mentioned. My lawyer said in Indiana, spousal support is minimal at most. I'm happy with that part.

On the other hand, my wife cashed out some annuities and I had wanted 1/2 of that but the judge said she can keep it for now but it will considered as assets either i mediation or if it goes to court.

I don't know - I can't say I'm happy with the rulings but I guess it could have been worse.

Overall, what I felt/feel is relief.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

returntozero said:


> have you obtained the paperwork to file a parenting plan?
> 
> One foot in front of the other.


ibid


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@ReturntoZero

When I left, I really left and went to China so no parenting is possible until Chrtistmas 2017. In fact, if I had them for 7 weeks over this summer, my support payments would be even less. Temporary orders require I can skype them once per week.

I'm concerned about the cashed in annuities. The judge said she could use money for household necessities but to keep a ledger. I just don't know ....


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