# Newly Wed Problem(s)



## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Hi, I've been looking for a site like this so I can find some feedback...I'm really not ready to go to my family yet.

My husband and I got married May 2009 and had been together for 2 years before he proposed then we took about a year wedding planning. We're both 23 and this is both our first relationships.

It's basically like everything has changed since we got back from our honeymoon (the next day he went out of town for work, 10 days working then home for 4 days and it was like that for about a month and a half after our marriage).

He recently told me that he's scared of what his family thinks of him and what he does in life and that he has done a lot of things in his past just to make them happy...including getting married. I asked if he asked me to marry him because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me or just to make other people happy...he said "a little of both and other reasons," the other reasons being that we had been together for so long he thought it was the next step and to make me happy (I had never bugged him about getting married...we did talk about it once in a while, but nothing major).

We also waited until we were married to have sex and that part of our relationship was lacking since he was gone so much, but he has since been back working in the city coming home everyday for the past month. 

I'm not sure if him being away right after we got married was a bad thing (he said he was kind of depressed working up there and would think a lot).

I really...don't even know what to think. He's really hard on himself and always wants to make everyone happy instead of himself but our marriage is already suffering and it's only been 3 months...

I just need to hear someone's thoughts.

Thank you.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

He could have very controlling parents who are hard on him... have you met them? 
How were they to you if you did ?


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

preso said:


> He could have very controlling parents who are hard on him... have you met them?
> How were they to you if you did ?


He is "Muslim" and I am not. I use the " " around Muslim because he doesn't really practice it. He says his parents were pretty strict and I think they may have been a little controlling. I've met them of course, spent time with them and get a long pretty well with them, his mom more so. She had converted from Christianity before she met his dad...so I think she is a little less strict etc.

His aunts also like to talk about other members of the family behind everyone else's back...yea it's pretty childish but that's how it is.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

The honeymoon ends for everyone, sounds like he is very serious about starting married life and making money. Maybe his plans include a house and kids and he feels he wants to get on with it.

I don't see that as a bad thing... just think of all the women who have men who won't even get a job !
His family might be a little critical and controlling and he feels he wants to not dissapppoint anyone and look bad to them and why he is so motivated to get on with married life.
Granted your honeymoon phase seems short, maybe he is just a real serious kinda guy who wants to get on with it and has big plans.


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Hi Lola, welcome to the forum! 

Sorry you are having difficulties so early on, but don't be discouraged as most newlyweds have problems. As a matter of fact the first year has been documented time and time again as being the hardest! They say if you can make it through the first year, you can make it through anything. I can testify to this as my first year was very difficult. I have been married for years and have had many struggles but the first year was the hardest indeed.

Wow, you both must have a ton of self control to have waited until marriage for sex. Now even as I say this I know that in reality there is usually one person more strict towards this, and one who goes along with it..so I have to ask who was the one in your marriage? Was it him who wanted to wait because of his Muslim backround? Nothing to be embarassed about btw. Also, you mention that the marriage was lacking in this area due to travel. You go on to say that he is now home on a daily basis but do not mention how the sex life is now that he is home. So how is it? Do you feel you have a good sex life and a strong mutual attraction?

I would not worry too much about his behavior and what was said. Truth is everyone has doubts before marriage and in the beginning. If you really really think about it, what he said wasn't SO bad. He said that he may have married a bit early because of family AND his love for you. He DID NOT say my family made me and I don't love you. Actually a lot of newly married men say things like that out of fear of having made a mistake and immaturity. So if you think about it he says he loves you and wanted to please his parents. Thats not so bad. If you think about it, you should be happy that he wants to please his parents. In my experience men who have little respect or care for what their parents desire are sorely lacking in the husband area. In addition to the normal jitters of early marriage, he was off alone at work and had too much time to think about it. Most people have these feelings early in marriage, but after spending a couple weeks or so together begin to relax. You didn't have that luxury. So having those feelings then being alone probably was difficult for him.

I can understand how having your own nervousness, being alone and then hearing those words on top of it would be hurtful...I think if you reconsider though it really isn't so bad. 


Are you working? What religon are you?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

My first year of marriage was rough too....
mostly dietary differences ( extreme differences) and his daughter.

but they have worked out mostly, except the food thing. I gained a bunch of weight and he didn't.
ugh........

I agree it's a good sign he wants to please his parents. Men like that are better partners than men who don't care about their family of orgin.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

lola_b said:


> He is "Muslim" and I am not. I use the " " around Muslim because he doesn't really practice it. He says his parents were pretty strict and I think they may have been a little controlling. I've met them of course, spent time with them and get a long pretty well with them, his mom more so. She had converted from Christianity before she met his dad...so I think she is a little less strict etc.
> 
> His aunts also like to talk about other members of the family behind everyone else's back...yea it's pretty childish but that's how it is.



I have a lot of friends that have married "Muslim" men. Their families are very interesting and I know exactly what you're talking about. It's kinda like the "Not without my daughter movie". You 2 need to discuss religion much more thoroughly and you have to set boundaries between you, him and his family. I think his family is putting a lot of pressure on him to convert you. This is very very very impt in the Muslim family. His aunts are the typical, back-stabbing low-life, I had a friend in the same shoes as you. 

My advice, you figure it out with him, sit down and talk to him, before his family puts more pressure on him. You two need to figure it out. This is your lives and not his families. Be gentle, but firm. Get their poking noses out of your buisness. Always be kind, but diplomatic. 

Have you watched, "My big fat greek wedding," the scene where the father makes the decision, but it's suggested by his wifes and women around him...diplomacy is key in family issues, especially the religion you're dealing with...

G'luck, Keep me posted,
A


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Sorry, but I didn't see Lola mention anything at all about her husband being pressured or even asked to convert. Also I am not quite sure what you intended in the comparison to the movie "Not without my daughter". In fact she said the mom was a bit more relaxed. That movie is based on her child being basically kidnapped...I don't think her husbands family would do anything like that. I am sorry but you are really stereotyping muslims with the comments in your post and I am sure many people would find them offensive. My husband was also raised Muslim but does not practice. We have a great marriage (married almost 9 years) and he is the sweetest, loving, and most compassionate man I have ever met. He has no "backstabbing bi*****" in his family that you refer to as a typical Muslim woman. How dare you insult millions of people based on your very limited knowledge?!


Lola I would not be discouraged by these comments. As I said my husband was raised Muslim, his mom was also a convert. His parents are very protective and involved but have learned to back off a bit over time. Truth is they are loving, gentle people who just love their son...I don't blame them. My family is Italian and WAY more overbearing than them, lol. I am quite sure that if you have a child together no one is going to kidnap or force the child to live in a country where you do not want the child to live, lol. And our sich's are so similar. My husband doesn't practice either. He is very very sweet and loving and we have 3 little girls that he spoils to death...


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Thanks for all the replies! I really appreciate it. 

I know he's a very good guy and I'm glad he cares about what his parents and other people think...to make them proud of him, but it's almost like he takes it to an extreme and doesn't know where to draw the line when to make other people happy over making himself happy.

Since he has been back sex has been grrrreat! I've been pretty uncomfortable with my body since the beginning of our relationship and had always been pretty shy and denied him and he basically "gave up" which I really regret doing to him (which I never meant to do...but I don't blame him). Since having sex I've gained a lot of self confidence and have been working hard to initiate and please both of us! I was the one that mostly wanted to wait...basically due to the fact that his family is very religious and I could just imagine the drama we would have caused if I got pregnant before marriage...and I also think that sex is something special that should be saved for marriage, mind you I don't care if other people do it before marriage...I'm far from religious.

His family has been good in never asking me to convert, but his dad had mentioned subtle hints to my husband before about converting, but that just frustrates my husband when his dad tries to push religious stuff on us.

I know he just want to do well for himself and us and be successful in life, have a good job, make good money, etc. like all of us do. I think he might be just putting a lot of pressure on himself to do this before he "gets old." He's definitely not happy with his job right now and the economy is so bad right now for his area of work. He has so much work ethic and drive, which are qualities I'm sooo glad he has!

He is kind of a quiet guy and doesn't really talk about feelings much, but we both try and I know it'll take some time before he can totally feel comfortable enough to totally open up to me, but even little bits here and there will help.

He also grew up pretty sheltered and with not a lot of friends, so he also feels like he missed out on important parts of growing up. I know we can't change the past, but I think it kind of gets to him still.

I think writing this all out has really helped as well as getting outside perspectives on the situation.


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

I am glad that you are enjoying your sex life, I think its wonderful that you waited. I wouldn't worry about subtle hints, thats nothing. Any family would make subtle hints. For example born agains that are friends of mine try to convert son in law. It is normal to want to feel united in religon thats no biggie. I am glad that your H stands his ground, that will help further attempts. I was quite offended by the poster who insinuated they were being forceful. Anyway, my H also missed out on a lot because he was forced to start working very early. I think that has made him a better husband and father. He really enjoys the children all the more and is really playful and fun with them. Sounds like your H may be the same one day. My H also appreciates every single thing that we have, I mean every single cent because he was so poor growing up. It has made him very determined in life and at the same time very grateful. I love that about him. 

Sounds like overall you are doing well so far. What would you say your main concern is with your marriage thus far? Also, are you spending enough time together? What religon are you and are you working? Dont mean to interrogate,lol. Just want the full picture.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Haha, I'm not offended by other posters...I used to be a "bad influence" while we were dating but his aunts have since come around after getting to know me and his family is always very welcoming towards me.

My husband comes from a pretty well off family, but they aren't ones to flaunt it but I think that is also why he wants to work so hard and prove himself...like things aren't just handed to him and he works hard for what he has.

We spend almost every evening together, but he generally works 6 days a week and 12 hour days (7am to 7pm or later)...so that can kinda suck. I only work 8-4:30 five days a week.

I'm also more of an agnostic type person...but I'd never disrespect others who believe and follow religion. My husband knows this of course...but I don't think his family does and it's not like I'm dissing the qua ran.

I think my main concern so far with the marriage is what my husband has told me this last month about living his whole life thus far to make other people happy and not himself, thus now making himself unhappy. He also said he feels scared...I'm guessing scared that he'll let everyone down and not succeed in life.

My husband also loves kids and wants some one day...but I think we need to get our own lives on track before we bring in another life to this world.


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

You may not be offended, but any muslim that reads the post surely will be. I just think it is rude to stereotype and insult millions of people based on the few that you may have met or known...and your biased opinion of those few people.

I think the most important thing is to make sure to spend enough time together. With his schedule I know it is difficult but try to find some ways. Maybe take a nap so that you can spend a couple hours together when he comes in and not be tired and run down. Even if you are just going for a walk or in the house talking, it is recommended to spend at least 15 hours of uninterrupted time together. That sounds like a lot, but it will help drastically. This can be spent cooking, watching tv, just as long as it is only the two of you and you are spending time together...not watching tv and ignoring the other, lol. I think you will do well. Best of luck


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

BTW, I got a really good laugh out of your comment on being the bad influence. Yeah, you sound like a really naughty girl, being engaged and dating for 3 whole years and never having sex! You are awful! LOL

I only hope when my son grows up I find a bad influence like you!

No, but I know what you mean. It is just a cultural difference, we went through it on both sides. My family was worse sometimes believe it or not.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

lola_b said:


> Haha, I'm not offended by other posters...I used to be a "bad influence" while we were dating but his aunts have since come around after getting to know me and his family is always very welcoming towards me.
> 
> My husband comes from a pretty well off family, but they aren't ones to flaunt it but I think that is also why he wants to work so hard and prove himself...like things aren't just handed to him and he works hard for what he has.
> 
> ...


Lola, I totally understand. I think you are right on when you say that you have to deal with your husband saying he feels scared. He/You have to figure out what he is scared of:
1. family disapproval, if so of what? your religion, his career. I don't really get why he is worried he won't succeed. What is the definition of success for him and for you? Do they coinicide. I assumed he was going to bring up the whole religion thing, b/c for MANY/if not ALL of my friends this is a HUGE problem when they marry a muslim. Let's not limit this to Islam, let's expand to say any Orthodox religion, such as Jewish or Christianity, so we don't get ppl on here confusing themselves and having to defend things...:scratchhead:


2. Youre right on about children as well. Figure out your marriage, fix it, heal it, work on it and then on to the next step. I think you're being quite smart.

3. How open is your H to talking? My H is not a real big talker. We communicate better with words. Find your way to communicate and excel at it.

4. Maintain your diplomacy with your in-laws. No matter what religion, family is a big tie in one's life. You don't need to get messed up in the in-law's getting involved. I'm glad your MIL is a nice person. Do you think talking with her would be a good idea? Can you trust her completely? 

G'luck, here to listen to YOU,
A


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

No thread hijacking, please stay on the OP's topic (deleted off-topic posts).


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Gee lola, I hope my step son meets a girl like you. He is only 16 now but starting to date and not sure he will be so lucky.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

There is still another issue that I have. My husband was unemployed for about 4 months after finishing school, I however, was working full time and he would just hangout at my place all day and look for jobs. I didn't mind.

We use facebook and play games on it etc., but he started playing poker and talking with a girl that lives near our city. I didn't mind, until I found out that he had called her almost daily while he was working out of the city (not where she lives) and racked up a huge bill with long distance minutes (we had a long distance relationship for about 9 months and he would hate when I called him because he didn't like talking on the phone). Needless to say, I was really upset and told him how much it hurt that he would call and talk to her and not to me...his wife.

I told him that I would really appreciate it if he would stop calling her and he never said yes...or no. So I've been checking in on his cell usage and have told him how much it hurts that he spends sooo much time talking to her on msn after he gets home from work (he also sometimes calls her while he's at work). He said he understands how much it hurts, but he's still doing it..WHY?! Last night I caught him on webcam with her while he was sitting across from me. I asked him "who're you camming with" and he said "I'm not?" and I said "then why is your cam light on?" (I also saw in the reflection that he was on cam with someone) and he said "oh, does it stay on when you take pictures?" and I said "I'm not $%(*ing stupid, you're on cam for her right?" and he went silent.

I don't think I've ever been so hurt before in my life. I've asked him to stop calling her, I wasn't really minding msn talking, but after last night I want him to never call her, delete/block her from msn and facebook. Am I wrong to want this?

It just seems like he's drawing away from me and going to her instead of him and I think that's what hurts the most. I feel like ever since he started talking to her, he has changed....I miss the guy I wanted to marry.


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Wow, now we get to the real issue...

Facebook, huh..nothing but trouble. I have seen so many people with issues because of facebook, even when it starts out with good intentions. 

Ok, he is having an emotional affair. You need to stop ALL CONTACT now if you want to save your marriage. Do whatever it takes. First demand for him to stop. Tell him that you will not accept this behavior and will leave if it does not stop. I would take the cam down and delete the facebook account asap!! Do not just delete her, delete the accounts. He is not responsible enough right now and it will be too much temptation.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

The next morning I sent him a link outlining what an emotional affair is...and I saw him read it (thanks Wikipedia!!). He didn't say anything and neither did I. I think he got the point that night when I asked him why he invests so much time and effort in their friendship and not me. He said he didn't have an answer but he looked sick to his stomach after I had caught him.

I've told him to stop calling her and I've basically been sitting on top of him every evening watching who he chats to and I haven't seen them msging...but that doesn't mean that they aren't txting during the day. I also don't know what they talk about. He says she has funny stories about her kids, etc....but who knows.

I haven't asked him to delete her yet, but if I see one more phone call...that's the last straw and so far it's been a couple days....so hopefully he's getting the hint.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Chris H. said:


> No thread hijacking, please stay on the OP's topic (deleted off-topic posts).


Thank you! :smthumbup:


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Hey Lola,

How is it going? Have you asked him to delete the account yet? Are you planning to? Hope everything is going a bit better for you!


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## Path1107 (Sep 3, 2009)

Hi Lola,

Just wanted to share some thoughts with you. when you enter into a marriage, you are starting a new life with your husband, Parents have to understand that your priorities have changed and that they have to respect your new life and the boundaries that come with it. This is the time for you and your husband to be really getting to know each other and really form a strong bond, that wont happen if you allow too much outside interference, be it from family or even friends for that matter. 

I want to encourage you to just be there for your husband, I can sense that you really love him and just want the best for him, so create an atmosphere in your home where he can find rest and peace, make the home so comfortable for him that he wont even want to leave, shower him with love and attention and give him plenty of sex (as much as he can handle). 

Let him find comfort in you, become each others best friend and not just lovers, work on your communication skills, learn to talk to each other, and let him know that he can trust you to understand any information he shares with you. We as men sometimes don't talk much because we don't know if the women in our lives will understand.

develop a openness and honesty with each other, and make pleasing each other your main priority. not pleasing mum or dad but each other, because mum and dad have built their home, you've got to build yours.

Your husband also sounds very driven, so support him, it might be difficult because you might not get to spend as much time together as you want, but you have to support his vision, because when he makes it and succeeds, you will also share in the success - so share the pain with him also.

Hope something I've said helps and I wish you all the best.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

:iagree:

Excellent post Path1107. Completely agree...

This thread seems to be alive on several different forums...

G'luck Lola!


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Thanks, I haven't asked him to delete the account yet....every time I mention her we start a day long argument via txt msging...I threatened to pack up and leave today while we were at work. I told him I'd be gone by the time he got home (nothing to do with the facebook woman...but it started the fight). He told me not to and so I didn't and we talked when he got home...I still really don't know where we're at, if we're going to make it work or call it quits, but I get the feeling that he's wanting me to stick around.

Path, thanks for your comments. His parents do mind their own business (however, they're visiting this weekend...so we'll see how that goes). I've always been there for my husband and always show how much I love, care and support him, but he is a guy and doesn't talk much. I like to think that I'm pretty understanding but from the conversation we had tonight, he's still hurting about what he missed out on while growing up with strict parents...not being able to be like the rest of us I guess...or what he imagines the rest of us did. I'm not really sure how to help him in that aspect, he didn't really have many friends when he was younger and relied a lot on the computer to talk to people. I tell him to go out with the friends he has made here (guy friends) but he hates leaving me home alone because I haven't made any real friends here yet and it really bothers him to go out while I stay home. I always tell him that it doesn't bother me (and it doesn't!!) but he still feels like it's his obligation to stay home with me...which doesn't have to be all the time.

Siiiigh....long winded....I have a headache from all of tonite's tears....


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Lola, 

If his childhood wasn't what he wanted it to be, then his adulthood is what he makes of it...
Many children of foriegn countries/strict parents deal with these battles, certainly not just him. Perhaps it would be wise to make some friends with similar backgrounds as him. For sure, in Canada there must be alot of interracial couples with both of your backgrounds that you could mingle with and share stories with. My friends and I often sit back talk, cry, laugh about our upbringings, it's natural...

For sure, Lola, the other woman has got to go. Period. Ask him to put himself in your shoes and ask him to feel that pain/upset if you were to do the same thing. It's a little odd, the lady is someone he knows from no-where, just met online or someone from his past? Respect is key and should be maintained in a relationship. Once you lose respect it's very difficult to talk/interact with love.

Also, have you considered facilitating communication in a way that will be easier for you hubby? Consider letter-writing. My hubby and I really excel at this and get a lot of great emotions out and then we can sly into talking...

Get creative. It does sound like you are quite kind and compassionate with your husband...

Hang in there! Sending you good vibes,
A 



lola_b said:


> Thanks, I haven't asked him to delete the account yet....every time I mention her we start a day long argument via txt msging...I threatened to pack up and leave today while we were at work. I told him I'd be gone by the time he got home (nothing to do with the facebook woman...but it started the fight). He told me not to and so I didn't and we talked when he got home...I still really don't know where we're at, if we're going to make it work or call it quits, but I get the feeling that he's wanting me to stick around.
> 
> Path, thanks for your comments. His parents do mind their own business (however, they're visiting this weekend...so we'll see how that goes). I've always been there for my husband and always show how much I love, care and support him, but he is a guy and doesn't talk much. I like to think that I'm pretty understanding but from the conversation we had tonight, he's still hurting about what he missed out on while growing up with strict parents...not being able to be like the rest of us I guess...or what he imagines the rest of us did. I'm not really sure how to help him in that aspect, he didn't really have many friends when he was younger and relied a lot on the computer to talk to people. I tell him to go out with the friends he has made here (guy friends) but he hates leaving me home alone because I haven't made any real friends here yet and it really bothers him to go out while I stay home. I always tell him that it doesn't bother me (and it doesn't!!) but he still feels like it's his obligation to stay home with me...which doesn't have to be all the time.
> 
> Siiiigh....long winded....I have a headache from all of tonite's tears....


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Lola, your husband is definitely having an emotional affair. You really need to insist that he cuts off all contact or it will get much worse. Affairs of any kind are addictions and allowing him to have any communication with her is only feeding the affair. Think about it, if you were married to an alcoholic you wouldn't say "I want you to stop drinking voda, but you can still have beer". No because soon, he will be back to where he was and even worse. The FB is a huge temptation for him right now, and so is skype. Its like telling the alcoholic he can't drink, but its ok to hang in a bar. Will never work. The affair will never end while he has contact with this woman. You must demand for him to stop ALL contact!

It is obvious that you love your husband very much and would do anything to save your marriage. I know that this info may sound tough, but trust me trying to recover from any type of affair will be much more painful the further into it he goes. Any effort you make besides cutting off contact will be a waste of time, you might as well just get a pedicure.

There was one more thing that I wanted to ask. I told you to find out your top 3 needs and his and write them down. Have you had a chance to do this yet?  May sound silly, but it will help a lot. A friend of mine was seeing a world renound counselor who specializes in affairs. This is always the first thing he has any couple do. The theory behind it is that every one has very different individual needs. When two people are meeting each others needs they often fall in love. If we don't pay close attention, sometimes we stop meeting the needs of our partners without realizing it. If we are not having a need met by a spouse, someone else will meet that need. It is common to find people who meet your needs, but if your spouse is doing it your love bank is full and it doesn't matter. If we know what these needs are, it is so much easier to accomplish. For example, if one of his needs are admiration and this 'friend' of his is giving him compliments all the time...she may be fulfilling a need. I was shocked when we did this excercise. Would never have imagined my husband top needs were conversation and admiration. Of course as you could probably imagine most men have sexual fulfillment as their #1 need, lol. But it could be honesty, financial support, domestic support, admiration, companionship, sexual fulfillment, physical attraction, family commitment, affection, and undivided attention time. Another good way to do it is to write them down and each spouse number them in order of importance. This may all sound silly, but I think it is still early on in the EA to be able to save the marriage. You just need to be proactive and have a plan. I hope you start off by demanding no contact and finding out your individual needs. Another important thing is to let the woman know that contact must stop. Just an email or letter is suitable, no phone call is really necessary. A letter from your H to the woman stating that he would stop contact because the friendship is interfering with the marriage. He should also express his love and devotion to you , his wife, in the letter so that it is very clear what his intentions are. He should never write that you are in any way making him do this or even asking him to do this. Just a very short, 4-5 sentence letter.

By the way, I saw your wedding pic and you are beautiful. Love the dress and you guys look so perfect together! Don't let this skank destroy your marriage! Affairs are so devastating and they cause so much pain and suffering, I wish you strength to stand up for your marriage and do not take any exceptions!


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Hey Lola, check your pm's when you have time.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

We haven't done our top 3 needs...maybe we can do that tonight. I've demanded that he stop calling her and have cried in front of him about how much it hurts me but I think he's starting to feel like I'm telling him what to do and his state of mind now is that he's tired of doing things to make other people happy, since he has been doing that his whole life thus far. I want to send her a msg via facebook...I wrote what I would like to say....but I'm wondering if I should have my husband read it before I send it and maybe you ladies can take a look at it and see if it's too harsh...or not harsh enough!

"Listen, I know my husband thinks of you as a friend and obviously men don’t really talk much about their emotions/feelings, especially mine, but it makes it 100 times worse when he tells things to a stranger that he should be telling me and maybe instead of giving your “advice” you should have told him to come to me and tell me what’s going on in his mind/life and maybe him and I wouldn’t be in the situation we’re in now. Things could have been dealt with properly and by the ONLY the people involved in the relationship.

You need to stop and think of how you would feel if the man you loved was seeking “advice” from another woman, a stranger, instead of going to you to try and solve problems, calling her almost daily to “talk” and stay up chatting on msn and parading around on cam. I’m not sure what your intentions are, if you’re using him to fill an emotional void that your husband doesn’t provide you, if you’re deliberately trying to be a home wrecker or if you’re just clueless. All I know is that in order for him to help himself and put himself first, he needs you to stop distracting him. Stop txting each other, stop the phone calls, stop the msn/facebook games and chats, stop the cam viewings, etc.

From one wife to another, you’ve been extremely disrespectful to our relationship."

I really just want to punch her in the face...but I thought this might save some jail time...

As for another poster's question. My husband met her by playing games on facebook and isn't anyone he knows from his past. I've also asked how he would feel if he were in my shows and he says I can talk to whoever I want...but he also knows that I'd NEVER do that to him. I have no idea how to make them stop communicating....


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Wow Lola, 

Sorry you're going through such a hard time. 

There are a few things that jump out:
1. Your H doesn't seem to understand that his relationship with this OW is inappropriate and disrepectful to you. Let's say perhaps their messages are benign, the sheer volume is strictly concerning.
2. I agree with euphoria that you should have your H address the issue in a letter that he writes to the OW. Have you spoken to him about this? Although, your letter is great and to the point, what I worry about is that this OW would take pride in knowing that she is a "homewrecker". I don't know what her personality is like, but there are some personality disorders out there that would thrive on this. I like your message in that it is honest and from the heart, but it should come from your husband. He shouldn't put you in a situation where you have to "battle for him", if you will. He should correct his error.
3. I don't think you should take this to your H's family yet...Have you considered obtaining marriage counselling? Maybe your husband has an addiction or is going through some sort of regression? It sounds to me as if though he is regressing (going towards more immature ways) which can be inflicted by a lot of emotional stress (marriage, his parents expectations, etc).
4. Also, how do you feel about filling your time with common interests with your husband so that he doesn't resort to filling up time on the internet? I know this is going to be a farther step to take then where you are now.

For now hang in there, this is all I can think of, but it would be VERY beneficial to consider seeking counselling. An experienced individual, especially an MD (which is free in Canada), can help you express your emotions healthily, more for your husband than you.

G'luck friend, I'll be thinking about you! 
Airee


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Here are some ideas from other women I know. Problem is usually this wont work because it has to come from him. You have to demand him to respect your marriage. Crying won't help. You can remind him how much you love him and cherish him and all of the reasons for loving him. Also tell that you need him to stop all contact and write a no contact letter, now you can say this gently and lovingly BUT it must be firmly Lola, do not take no for an answer. If he refuses ask him respectfully if the relationship he has with this woman is more important to him than his marriage. Do not have concern for OW's opinion. You are merely presenting the facts of the situation. This is my husband, your relationship is inappropriate and it will stop now. If you continue to contact him, I will be forced to expose you for the adulterer you are to your family, friends and employer. Simple as that. If she takes pleasure in it, so be it. You move on to exposure.

Also, does she have a H? If so he should be the first contact after your letter. I would not hesitate and would expose to him either way.


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Here is the thing with affairs Lola. Affairs breed in secrecy. They are addictions, do you understand? As any police officer can tell you the minute you flood a crackhouse with light, the addicts will scatter like rats. Why? They are ashamed. Besides that, they have an illusion. The affair is a fantasy...it is a myth of what could be that makes it so appealing. The moment that you expose the affair it loses its mystique. The affair partners feel shame and they begin to see the affair for what it truly is, nothing...just a facade. Now, most affairs will eventually dwindle and die on their own..but that could take years. It depends on how desperate they are to believe in their fantasy. Affairs MUST be exposed for what they are. If your husband refuses to break contact, do not falter. Do not fight...do not have an angry outburst. Go to your room, get a pen and paper and start writing a list of people whom your husband and the other woman are associated with in any manner. This includes ALL relatives, employer, HUSBAND (if she has one) and friends. This can be very difficult, but it is absolutely necessary and the only true way to break up the affair. Most likely the woman will feel extreme shame from her family and employer and call of the relationship on her own. This is why you need to warn her that you will expose if she does not stop. I will help you write the letters. Be prepared for an angry outburst at first, it will soon follow with withdrawal symptoms for the affair, all from your husband that is. But your marriage will soon begin to restore itself. I know this sounds difficult Lola, but I promise that it is proven to be the most effective method. If you do not do exactly as stated, it won't work. So, do you have the courage? Is the marriage worth the work? I can hear your love for your husband so I do think you will fight for your husband.

P.S.
You absolutely MUST take this to your husband family and anyone else who will listen. Anything else will be ineffective. I can give you the sad statistics next time i pm you.


Ok ...about the letter. Even though he needs to write his own. I think it is a good idea for you to write her a letter yourself. Some women I know have written things like:

As you may already know your relationship with my husband is interfering with my marriage. I respectfully ask that you break all connections and agree to never contact my husband again. If you refuse to do this I will have no choice but to expose this relationship for what it really is to your family, friends, etc.


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Ok, so don't forget because I know this is alot. My suggestion is:

No contact letter from you to OW. Be very direct but polite. Tell her that she must not contact him at all or you will expose this affair to her entire family and employer.

Find out your emotional needs #1-10 that I listed earlier and hang them somewhere in plain sight. Begin trying your best to fulfill each others needs one at a time. Don't forget affairs happen when a need is not being met...which one could it be? It is sometimes hard to figure out. 

No angry outbursts. Do not fight with him at all. Walk away. Be calm and direct and use "I feel" statements. Not - You don't love me all you want to do is talk to the lousy (**&*Y#*(!

Instead: "I feel" as though you don't love me when you talk to ______


And don't forget the minimum undivided attention time together of 16 hours per week. As I told you, this could be doing anything from iceskating, bike riding, cooking, or just snuggling. Doesn't matter but make sure you get every singe minute in of that 16 hours while fulfilling his top needs and NO angry outbursts!!

You can do it honey!

I just saw the email...


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

By the way...Your husband absolutely understands the inappropriateness of the relationship. If he didn't he would not be attempting to hide it. As I said relationships breed in secrecy like any addiction. Be sure to expose to family and friends and anyone he holds with a high regard or respect. Surely no addict wants to be seen as one to someone they highly respect, God forbid not their parents. They are then quick to explain it was just a misunderstanding and will not ever talk with that person again.

This plan is proven to be effective and was made by a doctor with a 99% success rate at saving marriages from affairs. The only time it will not work is if there is a drug/alcohol addiction, which you have not mentioned. Marriage counselors on the other hand have an 85% failure rate, might as well go buy a cute new purse and a pedicure with that money.

Also Lola, I think I mentioned to you that I am a physician/M.D. But not a psychiatrist, this planned was however developed by a leading renound psychiatrist with 35 years experience and I have given you the info as you may have seen if not check your email....


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

:smthumbup:


euphoria said:


> Do not have concern for OW's opinion. You are merely presenting the facts of the situation. This is my husband, your relationship is inappropriate and it will stop now. *If you continue to contact him, I will be forced to expose you for the adulterer you are to your family, friends and employer. *Simple as that. If she takes pleasure in it, so be it. You move on to exposure.QUOTE]
> 
> Be careful with this, you could get yourself in a difficult situation. Such threats could be used against you in a court of law as defamation of character/slander. Although you are the innocent party, it is not safe, wise nor intelligent to throw around threats. Take the high road and stay smart...
> 
> ...


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

> By the way...Your husband absolutely understands the inappropriateness of the relationship. If he didn't he would not be attempting to hide it. As I said relationships breed in secrecy like any addiction. Be sure to expose to family and friends and anyone he holds with a high regard or respect. Surely no addict wants to be seen as one to someone they highly respect, God forbid not their parents. They are then quick to explain it was just a misunderstanding and will not ever talk with that person again.
> 
> This plan is proven to be effective and was made by a doctor with a 99% success rate at saving marriages from affairs. The only time it will not work is if there is a drug/alcohol addiction, which you have not mentioned. Marriage counselors on the other hand have an 85% failure rate, might as well go buy a cute new purse and a pedicure with that money.
> 
> Also Lola, I think I mentioned to you that I am a physician/M.D. But not a psychiatrist, this planned was however developed by a leading renound psychiatrist with 35 years experience and I have given you the info as you may have seen if not check your email....


. 

With 100% certainty I can state that in medical school there are classes if not clinical exposure about litigation. I applaud you for putting your license at stake here and giving such blatantly dangerous advice Euphoria that could put your virtual pt, Lola in harms way. Primum non nocere...

Chris- I was under the impression that medical advice was not allowed on this forum. That is what it is when an MD states that I am a physician/MD, I know what I'm talking about....:nono::banhim:

Of interest what is your specialty and where did you go to medical school...the medical community is quite small, I'd be careful about putting 8 yrs of college and post-residency training at stake like this friend...

Also, just to throw this out there, I hope you all know it is a federal offence to impersonate a government employee right? A physician is a government employee during their residency where many do their clinical rotations at the VA...

A forum is not for this kind of behavior...Sorry, I strongly disagree...


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