# How I ended up on here



## JustLearning (Dec 18, 2012)

Hi there,

This is my first post as you will be able to tell. I just want to share what I am going through and see if many people can relate.

Been married 4 years. The last year and especially the the last month my wife and I have become distant. 
We had a argument 2 weeks ago about her going out all the time and doing things more and more with other people. She wanted me to respect her space so I did. Since I have been with her I have never kicked a fuss when she goes out with her mates and has a good time. She also expressed that our views and opinions are very different and that she feels she can't connect with me the same way when we were first dating. 

I took on board what she was saying and let her have space and told her I would work on listening and communication. Everything she had been saying was true, I had stopped going out with her and did not want to meet her new friends from her work. 

Not long after I noticed her always on her phone txting and being very protective and hiding it when she has showers. Now I have never once looked at her phone or read her emails even when they were blatantly in front of me. So I did search for her phone while she was in the shower a week ago and found it hidden under clothes. I looked at her messages and she had been talking to someone about meeting for drinks later and that she "can handle sneaking around".

I have to say I have never been so hurt from what I read in my life. I thought she was cheating on me and I talked to her right away. She was very sorry that I read it but has assured me that she was only meeting this person to talk. The person was the friend of my best friend who had been in town for 3 weeks and had recently divorced. After lengthy discussion I have believed her and spoken to him and he apologized and said the same thing as her about just meeting to talk. 

Since then we have become a lot closer and I have started to communicate my feelings more and so has she. However I get jealous now all the time and think that whenever she is out she is going to meet with someone else.

That's where I am at now and don't know what I should do but am thinking of marriage counseling.

Sorry for the long rant. Trying to paint a picture.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Welcome. You will find a lot of useful advice here. It sounds to me that you may have caught on to things in the nick of time. In my opinion, there should never be a conversation that either of you have with anyone that you wouldnt be comfortable having with your spouse present. You both should know each others friends even if you don't do every activity together. Lastly, marriage counseling would probably be very helpful as you acknowledge there are issues that need to be worked on. Sometimes you can agree to disagree but when the result is increasing separation pysically/emotionally you're setting yourself up for problems.


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## JustLearning (Dec 18, 2012)

Thank you for your advice.

She said that she was helping him with his divorce but I know she was be discussing our issues with him as well. She admitted that yesterday. She also says she understands it wasn't the right was to do things. 

We are going to see someone next week to start our counseling.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

You have a reason to be concerned...
You have already busted your wife once, sneaking behind your back to meet with a guy to discuss his divorce. I'm willing to bet this is probably not first she time she has met another man for drinks without your knowledge, it's just probably the first time you caught her. I'm a former Disc Jockey and I have a thing about married women going out on a regular basis to clubs and bars without their husbands.

If your wife is visiting bars and clubs on and regular basis with her mates, 
then you have every right to be concerned. 

*How often does she got out?

*Do you know the people she goes out with?

*How long has this been going on?

*Do you know what kind of places she goes out to?

Bars and cubs are for single women, If your wife is going out to places where there is alcohol, music, dancing and a bunch of horny men, then you are playing with fire. Her recent behavior demonstrates that she is willing to sneak behind your back and met other men for drinks, and if you believe the "all they were doing is talking routine" I have some ocean front property in New Mexico to sell you. 

That's how it starts, they meet innocently for drinks, then the next thing you know, they get emotionally attached sharing their sob stories and before you know it, she's trying to explain to you about how it just happened that she drank too much and one thing led to another. If all they were doing is talking, then why was she trying to hide it?

If you're not comfortable with her going out then you need to tell her and set some boundaries. If she insist that she needs some ME time without you at bars and clubs, then try telling her, "Great, then you don't mind if I start spending some ME time in Vegas over the weekends right?" If she agrees you got a bigger problem on your hands. Seriously, I hope the counseling works out for you brother!

Good Luck


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

JL,

You may have dodged this one but I would be suspicious if this type of activity (always texting, hiding phone from you) started before the guy showed up in town.

If you really want to get to the bottom of things, you'll have to be willing to snoop quietly and not accuse her of anything.

Can you get access to her phone records on line? If so. look for a lot of texts/calls to 1 or 2 numbers.

Get 2 voice activated recorders and place one under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Keep the other one so you can switch it out with the first one so you can listen to the one from the car while having another running so you don't miss anything.

Last, get a keylogger for your PC

Sorry but this whole new friends and going out all the time without you stinks to high heaven!


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

This is definitely a sign of your wife entering into an emotional affair which can be just as devestating as a physical affair. Most people who get betrayed feel more violated by the lies they were told by their spouse as opposed to the actions taken. And if your wife is not in an emotional affair now she is, at the very least, on a very, very slippery slope. She owned up to what was going on when you called her out on it. But would she have if you didn't? She hid the phone because she had something to hide. That in and of itself gives you the right, as a spouse and partner, to do whatever you need to do to monitor her activity until she earns your trust back. You cannot go through this marriage questioning every thing she does. You need to find a way to get back to that once loving, trusting, open and honest place. 

Good luck, JL.


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## JustLearning (Dec 18, 2012)

@ DedicatedDad

She goes out often and I choose not too because of work commitments. As for who she goes out with well...I was told it was works mates and I have no prob with that. 

When I caught her I made it very clear that what she was going to do was not right and that she could not talk or see him again but I didn't want to cause friction between myself and my best friend so I spoke to the person she was going to see and he said he was sorry.

I have just left is because I love her so much and don,t want to even think about separation or divorce. 

She wants me to go out with her to drink and "have fun" but I cant do it 4 times a week. Once is enough for me.

I will admit that the distance was a lot to do with myself not talking to her about anything important and I would shut down when we did try and talk. 

Strange since this has happened I have never felt more close.

Thanks for all the input. I dont know how to come across right now


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## JustLearning (Dec 18, 2012)

@ toffer

She still contacts him. I had been checking her cell ohone account because its in my name. I've had to stop looking though because it just makes me Jealous.

I have seen him 3 times since because he lives at my best friends house and well I have just let it go.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Going out to drink 4 nights a week??? Wow...


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## JustLearning (Dec 18, 2012)

Let me rephrase "she goes out 4 times a week"

She tells me she goes to her girlfriends house for a beer some nights and others nights she stops into my best mates house on the way home. Most of the time she does ask me if I want to go.


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## heaodfrant (Dec 19, 2012)

You both should know each others friends even if you don't do every activity together.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

JustLearning said:


> @ DedicatedDad
> 
> She goes out often and I choose not too because of work commitments. As for who she goes out with well...I was told it was works mates and I have no prob with that.
> 
> ...


1.You have very loose boundaries in your marriage
Your wife might be married to you, but she lives like a single person, she goes out drinking with friends and strangers 4 nights a week. As long as this continues you are putting your marriage at risk. What kind of relationship is this? You work while she goes out and drinks with other men? I'm not surprised that your wife is trying to sneak around with other guys, you allow her to put herself out there to be tempted 4 times a week. Your wife is playing with fire and you are playing russian roulette with your marriage.

2.You don't want to cause problems with your best friend 
A friend of your best friend is trying to sneak around with your wife, and your concerned about causing problems with your best friend? Your wife has no business going out and partying around your best friend without you. His friends are poisonous to your marriage. You trust your best friend too much.

3.You're too afraid of losing your wife 
Your wife will continue to try and sneak around when she goes out drinking. She knows that you will never leave her. You can catch her cheating on you and she knows you won't do anything about it, because you are so in love with her. She has you wrapped around her finger.

You're working your butt off and paying the bills while your wife is out having fun, drinking and partying with other men. If you don't stand up and put a stop to this, we will probably see you back here in a couple of months when you start another thread and tell us you think your wife is cheating (again).


Good Luck


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

Who needs to "sneak around' if it's innocent? Be real


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

JustLearning, your wife is playing you. No doubt about it. That “closeness” that you’ve felt with her recently is all part of her game. It makes you feel somewhat safer which gives her space to do what she wants to do elsewhere.

You’re her Plan B and her back-up plan. You’re the guy who provides her with what she needs to live while she gets other things she wants from other guys.

It’s known as “cake eating”. That divorced friend of your friend has probably been trying to get into her knickers for a long time.

You are just being an ass. Wake-up!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Justlearning,

I take it back

You didn't dodge a bullet here. She's in an emotional affair at least and it's continuing because you're allowing it to
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Do NOT trust your "best friend"!


True story this. A married guy had three "mates". He'd invite them round for a meal that his wife cooked once a week. They had two little kiddies.

These three "mates" would get the guy so plastered that he's crash out on the couch. And then one of his "mates" would go with his wife into a bedroom for sex with her. It was all pre planned, schemed and happened every week for quite a while. 


The guy was well and truly played not just by his wife but by his three best friends.


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## JustLearning (Dec 18, 2012)

I think I have given my wife a pass here. Everyone who has replied has good points and I cant ignore them.

I believe she has certainly had an EA and I have told her that. 

But did I cause this? Thats all I think about.

Nothing is the same anymore.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

JustLearning said:


> I think I have given my wife a pass here. Everyone who has replied has good points and I cant ignore them.
> 
> I believe she has certainly had an EA and I have told her that.
> 
> ...


I'm glad you're able to come to the conclusion that you're being way too nice to your wife. As far as causing your wife to have an EA, NO!!! You certainly didn't help with your loose boundaries, and letting her go out so much without you, but nothing you have done justifies her sneaking behind your back to hook up with another dude.

Don't let her blame shift and put this on you. You need to acknowledge the mistakes you made in the past and make an effort to correct them, but under no circumstances did your actions cause her to creep around with someone else. That choice was her's and her's alone.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look JL. Married women in healthy relationships do not go out to bars or clubs without their husbands! Your wife is living like a single person and you are the paycheck. You are also the patsy who is allowing this to happen. Stop accepting any blame for this and set some boundries. This going out without you should stop NOW! If she gives any gruff about needing space, tell her she can have all the space she wants; she'll just be having it as a divorcee. Your best friend doesn't sound like a friend at all and she should NEVER be going there with out you. 

Don't let this go on any further.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

JustLearning said:


> I think I have given my wife a pass here. Everyone who has replied has good points and I cant ignore them.
> 
> I believe she has certainly had an EA and I have told her that.
> 
> ...


You didn't cause it. It's all on her. But, you need to make some changes real quick. You're not very manly about your woman and this is a big turnoff toward you and makes other guys look more studly to her than they normally would. What are you doing to monitor her?

What kind of shape are you in physically?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You are still concentrating on that ONE email. And well you should. But not for the reason you think. Out 4 times a week drinking and, miracle of miracles, you caught her the ONE time she crosses a boundary? Dude, she's sneaking (her words, not mine) around on you 4 times a week? Pl-EASE!

If you can hire a private investigator, do it. It will be WELL worth your while. GPS the car. I can GUARANTEE they don't just sit in someone's house drinking. And when they do go out to the meat markets...The cell phone video footage will be an education for you. I guarntee it.

Got over the "you caught her the one time she went down a slippery slope" line you're selling yourself. Out 4 times a week and you caught her the ONE TIME? 

You've got bigger problems that this one issue dude. She is THRILLED you are concentrating on that "one". She thinks (KNOWS) she dodged a HUGE bullet here. 

One week for a PI. It will be worth it.


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