# Still hanging on in sexless marriage with husband



## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi again

I have posted my story on TAM. quick update. Married almost 2 and half years and together 3 and half. H is 42 and I am 36 and we have a two year old. 

Issue is my husband came out in April that he lost attraction to me yet he can't pin down why, just feels obligated to everything. We started MC back in June and our relationship, in terms of communication, as greatly improved and we are back on good terms of working together in our marriage. We have no financial issues and both work full time while raising our child. I have since gotten back in gym and am focusing on making myself happy as well while fighting for my marriage. Note: i am 3 pounds heavier than when we met. ISSUE still remains that does not feel attracted to me and thus we have not had sex in 3 months.

There is some back history to this as my husband has shared that he left his first marriage due to loss of attraction, 10 years ago, but he pinned that down to boredom in relationship. This time he just can't seem to pin it down and I almost feel like he has everything he wants in this marriage and yet he still can't be happy. Our sex life was great before it dwindled about 2 years into it. 

He keeps telling me how he loves me and wants to make this work. Yet I feel like he is not able to do the work to connect the dots in counseling and is stuck on "not attracted to you." i love him and our family yet I can't live like this as it will eat alive my soul!

How long do you give for those feelings to come back? Any advice.

Also I am positive no cheating involved or heavy porn use.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

How long into his first marriage was it before he lost attraction to his first wife?


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi there

He dated his first wife 6 years and was married only 18 months. He says he felt issues with lost desires at times before his marriage and within in the first year they had seperated and divorced by 18 months.

He lost desires for me right after first year and didn't admit it till year two. Stopped having sex at year 3.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Seems like he has issues with long-term relationships and commitments possibly. Has anything else changed in your relationship and the one he had with his ex-wife between the first year or so and the present/end?

I wonder if to him, the thrill of a relationship is the newness and change, and once things start to become 'everyday normal' that he loses interest. Everyone to a degree loses interest in sex once the newness wears off, but he seems to take it to a whole new level.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Seems like he has issues with long-term relationships and commitments possibly.


It is simple your H can not do real commited relationships. He has gotta the wife and kids now he is bored. You doing good just work on you now.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

@kingsfan: think you hit the nail on the head and counselor says if he can't correct this he will just keep up the pattern. I attempted to spice it up and such, but he says he can't go their because he doesn't feel desire for me. So sad because I am adventurous and HD yet guess still not right for him.
We went through a lot in first year of our relationship with a death on each side of the family and some illinesses, but now that we have discussed the impact of those issues and changed our communication he still is stuck on the attracted thing.

@mrsj4sho88: you could be right and guess the question is how long do I keep waiting?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

He may be confusing the issue for a lack of attraction. He may think that if he doesn't want to have sex with a woman, that means he's not attracted (not an uncommon mentality for a man really), when really it's a much deeper issue. He may have lost attraction to the relationship, rather than you.

Maybe a good thing you found this out now, and not after 10 years like his ex-wife.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

How do you lose attraction to the relationship? 
I agree it is much deeper and I just don't see him connecting the dots in counseling like I am.
His ex wife was only 18 months married and 7 years together. He was single 10 years between the two marriages.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Kat76 said:


> How do you lose attraction to the relationship?
> I agree it is much deeper and I just don't see him connecting the dots in counseling like I am.
> His ex wife was only 18 months married and 7 years together. He was single 10 years between the two marriages.


You lose attraction to the relationship by losing attraction to what brought you to the relationship. I wonder if he viewed married as a finish line, not the start line.

Think of it like a video game. You play the game, beat challenges, move up to the next level and so on. But when the game is 'beat' you shut it off and, often, don't play it again because it no longer represents a challenge to you.

I think he viewed getting married as a challenge and when he reached that goal, game over. He divorced his wife after 18 months, and he lost attraction to you likely around the same time (you say he told you in April, but I bet it began before that and only came out in April).

Out of curiousity, does he watch a lot of movies that maybe mirror your relationship, like a love story where two people come together over several obstacles, such as death, to live a fairy tale life?


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Interesting thoughts! So now he wants it to work, but can't see the forest through the trees?

He keeps saying I'd not want to divorce again, I love you. But for me I can't live or stay with someone who does not feel attracted or desires me.

He does like to watch a lot of movies and is also not a real "deep" guy as I am finding out in counseling. Likes to skim the surface. He had an alcoholic dad and a lot of rug sweeping while growing up too.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Kat76 said:


> Interesting thoughts! So now he wants it to work, but can't see the forest through the trees?
> 
> He keeps saying I'd not want to divorce again, I love you. But for me I can't live or stay with someone who does not feel attracted or desires me.
> 
> He does like to watch a lot of movies and is also not a real "deep" guy as I am finding out in counseling. Likes to skim the surface. He had an alcoholic dad and a lot of rug sweeping while growing up too.


If he can't put his finger on the issue, yes he very well could want it to work but can't see the forest for the trees. It's hard to figure out what to do if you don't understand the problem.

He may skim the surface because he's afriad of facing his issues. It's easy to ignore your issues rather than face them.

His childhood could be a part of the problem. Maybe growing up with an dad like that in a situation where you weren't forced to face your problems led to a life where he felt like marriage would be able to give him that 'magical' life he wanted, while being able to sweep his thoughts/emotions/etc. under the rug (which I'm assuming is what you meant by 'rug sweeping') allows him to do the same now as an adult. 

That last paragraph was sheer thinking aloud by me and a counsellor could delve more into it with a much truer and broader grasp on his past, but that's a possibility I'd look at as usually issues we have as adults stem from childhood problems and how we coped with them. If his childhood was a rough one, he may have felt his marriage would be much, much better and when he reached marriage and found out that it's really just ordinary life for the most part, regular day in, day out stuff, just with someone else beside him, he may have felt like he failed as well. 

Does he look negatively on his father? And if so, does he look negatively on his father for anything besides the alcoholism?

I'd pay attention to the movies he watches, the material he reads, and anything he interests himself in that pertains to relationships. You may find it focuses on pre-marriage timelines (IE dating, courting, etc.) or of a solely happy, blissful marriage.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kat, 
Desire / love is powerful. I am starting to think that LD should be defined as either:
Low DESIRE TO PLEASE or
Sexually averse

The main point is - like it or not - sad or happy - I this will not change. 

You can (sometimes, and not easily) reboot a woman's desire. But a man's desire. If you are feeling that lucky it is time to go buy a power ball ticket.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

@kingsfan: more good points to think about! I do think this goes back to childhood with, yes meant sweeping things under the rug, and he thought he could do that in marriage. To your point, life is not easy and job, wife, child and life seem like obligations to him. He actually said that in counseling.
His father was critical and he seems to have repressed anger from that and his dads drinking. Nobody seemed to have time for him.

@MEM1163: the question is if it can't change what do LD people want out of life. Guessing less? I and our life style fits all his check list items yet he doesn't desire me anymore. What will he find. A woman who ask less of him? So mind boggling to me!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ah - opening the door to the never ending question: WHY? 

Does it really matter? In this situation your partner:
- Does not care that they are hurting you OR
- Have a sexual aversion

And rest assured they do like the rest of the situation. They sure aren't staying out of desire/lust type desire. 



Kat76 said:


> @kingsfan: more good points to think about! I do think this goes back to childhood with, yes meant sweeping things under the rug, and he thought he could do that in marriage. To your point, life is not easy and job, wife, child and life seem like obligations to him. He actually said that in counseling.
> His father was critical and he seems to have repressed anger from that and his dads drinking. Nobody seemed to have time for him.
> 
> @MEM1163: the question is if it can't change what do LD people want out of life. Guessing less? I and our life style fits all his check list items yet he doesn't desire me anymore. What will he find. A woman who ask less of him? So mind boggling to me!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

What he wants most likely is a relationship in which he never reaches the ultimate goal. A constant challenge. Marriage I think was the finish line for him.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

And guessing now that I am saying we either fix this or divorce, he is buying his time?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

what do you mean buying his time?


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

I am guessing while we are in counseling to see if he can get his desire for me back, he knows he can still keep his marriage. Once we finish counseling we will have to decide what to do from there. Thus counseling is buying his time to stay in the marriage?


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## TheMonogamista (Oct 5, 2012)

It's a funny thing. I also went through a period of not finding my husband desirable. Looking back, the problem was my own inability to find pleasure in life...in anything. That is a problem I have. Really a kind of depression and despair. I did find diet played into this as well (along with a lot of emotional baggage and unhelpful thoughts). Perhaps seeing a dietician or naturopath could help, if he is willing.
What has has a huge affect on how I see the world and my husband is that we have sex often--every other day, at least. It's very interesting...the longer we go without it, the further I feel from him and from the reason why we are together. As soon as we have sex, I fall back in love with him. Hope this helps.


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## Cyrus (Apr 5, 2012)

Kat76 said:


> Hi again
> 
> I have posted my story on TAM. quick update. Married almost 2 and half years and together 3 and half. H is 42 and I am 36 and we have a two year old.
> 
> ...



I started to lose attraction to my wife right after our daughter was born 10 years ago. Not only did she physically change (she had an elite, fitness model body when we married), but even her personality changed from completely laid back to high strung "mom".

We had sex very infrequently after that, then after I suffered a very traumatic loss, zero sex for 2 1/2 years. All due to my disinterest in her sexually.

I started using testosterone a couple of months ago (I'm 50, my wife early 40's), and we've had more sex in the last two months than the previous eight years combined. So my advice to you is have him get his test level checked. In my case anyway, it literally made me crave sex so much that masturbation was not a viable alternative (and would never look outside). Perhaps it will work the same for your husband.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Kat76 said:


> I am guessing while we are in counseling to see if he can get his desire for me back, he knows he can still keep his marriage. Once we finish counseling we will have to decide what to do from there. Thus counseling is buying his time to stay in the marriage?


Possible.

Only one way to find out, and that is to go through counselling and see if he changes.

if you really don't think he'll change though, why bother staying?


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Ir usually has to do more with a discomfort with intimacy. At the beginning of the relationship the sex is fine but then desire dwindles down to nothing. A lot of men experience this as sexual boredom but sex in a close long term relationship is something they simply cannot do. Usually men with this problem have a history of getting "bored" in relationships and not just marriage. They often never dated the same person for very long when they were single. For them, sex is just more enjoyable when the partner is new and can be kept at arm's length emotionally.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree with Cyrus. I think it is hopeless unless your H goes on testosterone therapy. I think he is LD, and his testosterone is only higher short term during the infatuation or 'insecure' phase of a relationship. Before divorcing, ask him to try testosterone shots.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is correct? 

If he really/truly believed it was fixable he would have suggested "sex therapy". If he avoids sex therapy, it is because he knows that part of the marriage isn't fixable. 



Kat76 said:


> I am guessing while we are in counseling to see if he can get his desire for me back, he knows he can still keep his marriage. Once we finish counseling we will have to decide what to do from there. Thus counseling is buying his time to stay in the marriage?


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Kat76 said:


> @mrsj4sho88: you could be right and guess the question is how long do I keep waiting?


*I would only put six more month into it . I wish you luck with this issue.*


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

@cryus: thanks for the info. Were you guys sexless until you got your desires back for your wife or did you have sex at times?

@mem11363: yes he says he does want to fix this. He has said he loves me and does not want to be single again and start over with a new life. We have not tried sex therapy as we started counseling 3 months ago and I had not heard of sex therapy until recently. My guess would be if MC can't help in long run then we try that? MC still on theory that he losses himself and identity in LTR, which results in loss of desire for me.

We have started going out again as a couple and he is affectionate and such, but still has pulled the sex trigger. MC thinks we have made progress and to keep working through this that hopefully he will open up more to figure out deeper root cause. MC does think it goes deeper than one easy thing to fix.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kat,

This post reflects a very strong mindset which I have regarding sex / desire and attraction. 

There is "low" desire and there is "sexual aversion". Those two things are completely different. Absolutely and 100 percent different. 

And the one way to differentiate them with certainty is this: 
A low desire person - marriage at risk - will teach their partner how to arouse them so that sex the two of them can have a mutually enjoyable sex life. 

I don't "start" an encounter with my wife by way of a french kiss. If she is in one of those rare modes where she is already aroused and is initiating, then maybe SHE starts things that way with me, but in reverse I do different stuff. 

She knows totally shutting down sex would convey that she had a sexual aversion. Which - I would accept. And respond accordingly. It isn't up to me to tell her "how to feel". That said, I feel rather strongly inclined about the level of honesty between us regarding intimacy. 

All this vague "lost in the relationship" stuff is part of the refuser pattern. It will never tie back to specific behaviors he wants you to DO or NOT do. He will keep this about a never ending search for some magic set of triggers that tie to desire. 

I feel bad for you - being deceived. 






Kat76 said:


> @cryus: thanks for the info. Were you guys sexless until you got your desires back for your wife or did you have sex at times?
> 
> @mem11363: yes he says he does want to fix this. He has said he loves me and does not want to be single again and start over with a new life. We have not tried sex therapy as we started counseling 3 months ago and I had not heard of sex therapy until recently. My guess would be if MC can't help in long run then we try that? MC still on theory that he losses himself and identity in LTR, which results in loss of desire for me.
> 
> We have started going out again as a couple and he is affectionate and such, but still has pulled the sex trigger. MC thinks we have made progress and to keep working through this that hopefully he will open up more to figure out deeper root cause. MC does think it goes deeper than one easy thing to fix.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

@MEM11363: so by reading your post it is sexual aversion to me?
And I guess the magical question is the refuser does or does not want the relationship to work. Or is it merely he wants no relationship to work and prefers the newness of relationships.
Guess what keeps me hanging in for now is our 2 year old.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

So I just read up on sexual aversion disorder. A lot of it fits my husband and seems situational to LTR. Scary question is a lot of the times it can be rooted in childhood sexual trauma situations.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kat,
He ABSOLUTELY does want the relationship. He just doesn't want to have sex with you. That is VERY unlikely to change. Many folks drive themselves crazy waiting/hoping for a sex life to resume. And it never does. 




Kat76 said:


> @MEM11363: so by reading your post it is sexual aversion to me?
> And I guess the magical question is the refuser does or does not want the relationship to work. Or is it merely he wants no relationship to work and prefers the newness of relationships.
> Guess what keeps me hanging in for now is our 2 year old.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi MEM11363

My timeline is to finish MC and the decide thus another 4 months. I sure did not marry to NOT have sex and will not stay till my child is 18, let alone 4!

The nagging question is why does he not want sex with me and yet would be willing to live without it. Guess that is he million dollar question and why it is called sexual aversion.

My guess is this will happen to him in any other LTR with permanent commitment if We divorce.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I think your guess is right. It's nothing to do with you, he would not want to have sex with anyone in a LTR. Familiarity kills his sex drive.

He's going to be doomed to a life of serial relationships, because very few women would live like this long term. He should face up and admit to this.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Hi, I found this forum, because I am in a very similar situation - though it is different. 
I would like to know why MEM is so sure about what he's telling that the sexual desire never comes back.
IMO it is an intimacy problem, and as always problems are problems of BOTH partners. That means that it does not help trying to change your partner you can only change yourself. Trying to change your partner yields the contrary. Begging for sex makes that he will desire you less.
I would have a bit of patience because issues with an alcoholic parent are deep and it needs time. But maybe you try to are for yourself meanwhile get dressed nicely and get out dancing with a friend.
There is one book which I can recommend: Schnarch, intimacy and desire. 
The other thing which helps a lot is learning and practising mindfulness meditation. That will help you in everyday conflict situations.
We haven't solved our problem so far, but my impression is that our marriage has improved.
The other thing is that there might be a pursuer distancer dynamic - google for it.
You mentioned he's pretty shallow - couldn't that indicate that he has a problem to have deep thoughts or feelings, that anything deeper is scary to him?
Furthermore, you are not an overly long time in marriage counselling. You have kids and while there is no point staying endlessly in an unhealthy marriage, kids suffer from divorce and especially boys need fathers. If you give that whole process a bit more time then even if you split you will end up much clearer about yourself, which is important if you start a new relationship.
Psychology tells that there is a reason why one chooses a partner and mostly partners complement with their problems.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Appletree,
First of all, I am going to fall on my sword and acknowledge that my observations are statistical. I will on occasion be wrong. Please accept however that:
- I am pro "healthy stability", and pro child so I don't make statements based on a 60/40 or even 90/10 type analysis. 
- When I say statistics what I refer to is a collection of behaviors that in aggregate tend to cluster, and correlate in an extreme manner with "not fixable"

FYI: Male to female broken is profoundly different than female to male "broken". 

Distinct factors:
1. Very low level of male instigated affection
2. Rapid drop off in desire as soon as primary goal achieved (having a child/children)
3. Strong avoidance of discussing/addressing sexual problems
4. Aggressive use of the "initiation is a turn off tactic" - this is the: if you would just leave it alone and let me initiate we would have more sex. When you leave it alone, nothing happens. When you do finally initiate you get at best mercy sex to get you off their back, or they claim you are pressuring them
5. Deceit in all its myriad forms. 
- I don't know what turns me on (hmmm - never met a man who never masturbated - never met a man who did it will chanting oooommmm, and keeping their mind blank (they may not want to SHARE their fantasies, likely because they don't involve you or someone like you)
- I wanted to have sex with you the other day when you were out shopping, really I wanted you, but alas when you finally returned home, the urge had passed 
- Blame shifting - you and your needs are abnormal
6. Total lack of focus on solving the real issue - instead they place a high degree of focus on their childhood, and deaths in the family


It IS true - that a smart strong/alpha/critical woman can inadvertently crush/emasculate the man. Usually the male will tell you. Not always....

* For example, in a male driven sexless marriage (where the male is not interested), there is very often a lack/complete absence of affection initiated by the man. I mean non-sexual affection. 








appletree said:


> Hi, I found this forum, because I am in a very similar situation - though it is different.
> I would like to know why MEM is so sure about what he's telling that the sexual desire never comes back.
> IMO it is an intimacy problem, and as always problems are problems of BOTH partners. That means that it does not help trying to change your partner you can only change yourself. Trying to change your partner yields the contrary. Begging for sex makes that he will desire you less.
> I would have a bit of patience because issues with an alcoholic parent are deep and it needs time. But maybe you try to are for yourself meanwhile get dressed nicely and get out dancing with a friend.
> ...


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

MEM, I didn't want to attack you, but know which is the source of what you're saying and why. Are you a counsellor or do you have multiple friends with the same issue? I ask this because I am in a similar but different situation. The difference is that he has a general problem with sexual involvment. My impression is that we are moving forward, but even though, one must remain realistic to the outcome. He aknowledges the problem works on it and is otherwise a great partner.
What type of behaviours are in your opinion not fixable?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Apple,
Background would be good. How old are you/he?
For each stage below, how long was it, and did it cause any noticeable change in his desire level?

- When dating and living apart 
- Moved in together/still not engaged
- Got engaged
- Got married
- Had kids

Other factors:
- Does he have a steady job
- Does he earn as much as you
- Did "he" drive the increasing steps of commitment or did you?
- Who is the more dominant personality?
- Were/are having kids important to him?
- From the start was he open about what he liked/disliked sexually, or was he not enthusiastic about telling you what he liked/disliked
- How often did he initiate at first
- How often now?
- When did he start ignoring your overtures/rejecting outright requests for sex?
- Was the frequency EVER high - even early on?
- How affectionate was he at the start, and how about now?

When you step back and ask yourself: Has he generally been open book with you, or very careful in discussions about sex?

Porn/ED issues?

And last but not least. Did he like giving you oral sex? That last one doesn't mean a lot by itself, but in conjunction with the others, it could. 








appletree said:


> MEM, I didn't want to attack you, but know which is the source of what you're saying and why. Are you a counsellor or do you have multiple friends with the same issue? I ask this because I am in a similar but different situation. The difference is that he has a general problem with sexual involvment. My impression is that we are moving forward, but even though, one must remain realistic to the outcome. He aknowledges the problem works on it and is otherwise a great partner.
> What type of behaviours are in your opinion not fixable?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AT,
I am not a trained counselor. At work a large part of my job is to understand individual and group behavior. 

My W is probably about average in terms of drive for a female. And I am above average for a male. 

Due to a high degree of overall compatibility, my communication regarding this issue, and my W's genuine consideration of my happiness, we have an overall a great sex life for 23+ years. 

Still, there was the occasional hd/ld flash point, so I came here and read, and asked questions and read some more. At this point I am the equivalent of a counselor who has seen thousands of patients. 

My one - special skill - is identifying behavioral patterns. I can tell you that what I learned here and applied at home has worked remarkably well. 

So - my undergrad degree is in a technical field. My experience here has made me comfortable making observations. 

The first thing I look for in any situation is a large gap between what is "said" and what is "done". 

Many times one spouse marries despite a lack of attraction. This is perfectly logical to them, they don't consider sex to be such a big deal. Initially they "do what they have to" to create a bond. They want/desire to BE with you, and perhaps even make babies with you. For these folks, procreation and recreation are two totally separate activities. They can pro-create, it just isn't a process they would indulge in for leisure. 

So when they begin to sharply curtail frequency/certain activities/etc. and their partner gets upset, they misdirect. Think of these as little white lies at the start. And the lies just get bigger over time because they are keenly aware that the confession: I never really liked sex. Not with you, not with anyone. I knew you liked it, and early on I was able to tolerate it because I knew it was bonding us together. 

That confession is the end. Game over. Because it means the entire marriage was based on a deception. So their partners have never ending angst because nothing ever adds up. Somehow they have entered a place where 2 plus 2 rarely equals 4. The movie gas light is very good. You should rent it. 



appletree said:


> MEM, I didn't want to attack you, but know which is the source of what you're saying and why. Are you a counsellor or do you have multiple friends with the same issue? I ask this because I am in a similar but different situation. The difference is that he has a general problem with sexual involvment. My impression is that we are moving forward, but even though, one must remain realistic to the outcome. He aknowledges the problem works on it and is otherwise a great partner.
> What type of behaviours are in your opinion not fixable?


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I started another thread since I didn't want to bend this thread over. I try to answer your questions as far as this can be dine in a public forum:
There was a change in his sex drive when our family was complete. There were always issues with sex, not so much in the beginning as he has his issues with sex.
He is the main earner in the family and is quite successfull in his job, however there are some problems with bosses.
I drove the increasing commitment but he was enthusiastic about having a family. From the start he never talked much about sex, because of his prudish upbringing. The frequency was OK early on not every day though. He hates every form of pressure and now I know that my ouvertures were a huge pressure for him. He is and was always very affectionate.
As I wrote in the other thread I think it can be called sexual anorexia which is linked to his generally difficult upbringing, prudshness.
He did not openly talk about sex, however getting better there.
He has problems to relate to any person sexually. IMO there is fear of intimacy, but on the other hand need for closeness.
I myself learned much about relations and much about me in that process, for this reason I think it is important not to break up premature and until maybe there is a stage when you realize that nothing can move anymore.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Apple,
Those answers are helpful. 
- Lack of wanting daily sex is not a red flag. If you wanted it daily and he wanted every other day or 2-3 times a week, he is still within the range of very normal. 
- Did he want to be close to you after sex, did he seem HAPPY before/during and after sex?
- As for the "change in his drive" after completing your family. 

Dropping from 3/week to 2/week is not a flag. Dropping from 2/week to once a month or "never" is a giant flag. It raises the question as to whether sex was a means to an end. 





appletree said:


> I started another thread since I didn't want to bend this thread over. I try to answer your questions as far as this can be dine in a public forum:
> There was a change in his sex drive when our family was complete. There were always issues with sex, not so much in the beginning as he has his issues with sex.
> He is the main earner in the family and is quite successfull in his job, however there are some problems with bosses.
> I drove the increasing commitment but he was enthusiastic about having a family. From the start he never talked much about sex, because of his prudish upbringing. The frequency was OK early on not every day though. He hates every form of pressure and now I know that my ouvertures were a huge pressure for him. He is and was always very affectionate.
> ...


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Hi MEM, thanks for the answers! And it is hepful t kwnow a bit of ones background to understand ones background to know the perspective of the advice.
I am not sure if he was enough into me at the beginning though he said that he was attracted to me but not madly in love. I guess that he does not know this either. Before me he was only madly in love with sexually and often otherwise absolutely unavailable women while he turned down attractive avaiblable women. I seemed to be unavailable at first but it became very clear that I was available.
His pattern was beeing attracted by a women and fulfilling your bodily needs on your own. Strangely I was a person he could really have sex with, even in the beginning when there was no discussion about children.
He is of a very good character and we do love each other. I think we know the difference between love and attachment, however it is sometimes difficult to tell apart when it comes to your own feelings. He does not want that I suffer and even suggested me looking outside, but I really don't know if that would hurt him much and I would maybe not like it either.
At the moment I simply decided to look for my own, try not to push at all (which does not always work out), develop myself doing short meditations every day.
We talked about sex therapy, but it is very important to find the right one. Our first MC was awful and superficial - this is a warning to all who might read that, do choose you MC carefully try out three and then decide!! This person was trained in the behavioural thing - I don't think that this method work for more deep seating problems.

I don't know weather I have stated that clearly enough: my husband had lost the desire for me several years ago but did have still sex. I don't really know how men work in this regard, but is there any chance that the desire comes back after a long time?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Something isn't right. First, since there are two wives with a problem, is he sure he is not gay or bi-sexual. Second, does he have low testosterone or any physical issue. Third, as other said, does he have one of these *****/madonna issues.


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