# FWB-how do you handle it?



## lovelygirl

Given that @TaDor was tempted to stray away from topic, here's a quote from one of his recent comments on FWB. 

How do you handle FWB relationship?
Are you currently in one now? 
Was there any temptation from you or your partner to give it a try and settle for a relationship?
What is ok to do when you're FWB and what's not okay to do? 

*******************


TaDor said:


> The exact same way if you were Friends Without the benefits.
> 
> Oh, sleeping over is okay as well, especially if you end up drunk, etc. But yeah... with my FWB, there was never a "date" to impress. We either paid 50/50 on a motel or hotel room - or had sex her place or mine... she buy drinks or I buy drinks. For the most part, anything that required money - was nothing noteworthy.
> 
> The important thing about FWB - to keep it FWB. Too much "benefits" = the woman may start to become attached. I had 3 that brought it up about "wanting more" - two of them kept that in check. One of them kept pressing for "dating" or something. So for her, I told her "no more fooling around, we're just friends". Even mutual friends told her she needed to cool her jets. FWB things to do: DO NOT text all the time, especially right after sex. I'd say, no more than 2~4 times a month - like once a week at most. Do not string anyone along.


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## MrsHolland

Why did you put this in the men's clubhouse? Do you not consider that both genders participate freely in this?


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## lovelygirl

MrsHolland said:


> Why did you put this in the men's clubhouse? Do you not consider that both genders participate freely in this?


I posted it here by default without thinking much. Mods are free to move it into the general discussion part of the forum.

Also, who said threads on Men's Clubhouse ever prevented both genders from participating freely?

You could have also elaborated more on the topic given that you posted...


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## ConanHub

I don't really get FWB.

I was very promiscuous in my youth but was damaged emotionally.

I never slept with a friend. Not once.

Too much of a connection can, and in my opinion, should form.

Mrs. Conan was the first and last woman that I slept with for love.


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## rockon

I don't handle it. I have never had a FWB-never will. 

It's just not me.


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## MrsHolland

ConanHub said:


> I don't really get FWB.
> 
> I was very promiscuous in my youth but was damaged emotionally.
> 
> I never slept with a friend. Not once.
> 
> Too much of a connection can, and in my opinion, should form.
> 
> Mrs. Conan was the first and last woman that I slept with because I loved her.


There is no obligation for anyone to "get it". The F in FWB does not necessarily mean they were an existing friend. My past FWB's started out as strangers meeting up to date, realising that we did not want to form a relationship but enjoyed each others company and had a sexual connection. It is actually a very adult way to deal with life and be realistic about the fact people want to have sex with someone they connect with on a mutual respect level but don't want a future with.


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## RandomDude

:scratchhead:

Don't really get what's not to get, it's quite simple. Looking back I seem to prefer having exclusive FWBs, which pretty much breaks one of the rules but I don't really care. Most got attached but that's the nature of it, but some didn't and we ended them on pleasant terms. Sex is just sex to me, I have no notion about the sacredness of sex.

Girlfriend deep down turned out to be the opposite of me, and she risked alot to be with me considering she would have been the type of girl who was to be disappointed by my emotional unavailability. However she never disappointed me, which led me to pursue her in a deeper level.

But she's still teaching me again what love is, as I remain damaged and hardened from both childhood and divorce.


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## NextTimeAround

Thanks, Lovely girl for starting this thread. :smile2:


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## lovelygirl

More posts from the previous thread to go on with the discussion..



jld said:


> @TaDOR This could be a good warning post for any woman considering this sort of relationship.





Andy1001 said:


> Friends with benefits are a great idea if you aren't around much.When I was employed I traveled all the time and lived in hotels for months at a time.It was great when I got home to have someone you could call at the last minute to go to dinner or whatever.I can't see how it can work if you are in the same area as them all the time because eventually emotions are going to enter the equation.It goes from fwb to jealousy very quickly.





jld said:


> Sounds like a bad idea all around, imo. At least for most women.
> 
> But this is probably a t/j. Back to who pays for dates . . .





NextTimeAround said:


> One important thing for women to remember is that it will deter other men from wanting to date you. So if a woman is still looking she needs to be discreet. Perhaps FWB a guy completely outside of your social circle and never let him meet your other friends.





MrsHolland said:


> Why?
> 
> It is fairly standard in my circle, can't see why it is a bad idea for women in particular and not men, care to explain your thoughts on this.






TaDor said:


> How so? Its not abusive. Both parties get what they want (M / F or M / M or F / F ). Its safer and easier than ONS... there is friendship still.
> 
> The only "guide" about this, is ways to not turn it into something more. And its okay *IF* it does become something more if it's between two consenting adults who are not in a committed relationship with anyone else.
> 
> Why the hell is sex between a man and a woman = she is being used?





TaDor said:


> That is the guy's problem. I notice you have no issues with the GUYS doing FWB... its all on the woman. How dare she get laid unless she is wife or something.
> 
> FWB is about having a sexual relationship that is not public - usually. Sometimes it is or semi-public. FWB can end at a moments notice (one or both of them are dating someone they want to take to the next level). If its someone you don't want anyone to know you are having sex with - then it's not FWB, it's a bootycall.





TaDor said:


> But ya keep going at it, eh?
> 
> So what if its a guy who wants a LTR and can't understand why women are not interested in him? - er, what business is it with the other person, and again - you have made the woman, the "bad one.". Didn't know that one sex needed a matching sex to be an advocate. I'm not projecting, I am assuming because it seems you are shaming women for being FWB. We derailed from the thread because FWB don't date usually - and it was brought up.
> 
> Elaborate? Uh, some people will tell others they are in a FWB relationship - maybe on FB, maybe to their closest friends, maybe nobody.
> 
> I am not angry.


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## lovelygirl

Personally, I do agree with @NextTimeAround that a girl needs to be discreet, even if this is a double standard. Guys, still look at women who sleep around with a bad eye.


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## Andy1001

I'm not sure whether I had a number of fwbs or whether they were casual relationships.I used to travel a lot and it would sometimes be for months at a time so I never had any long term relationships.I had numbers for girls in various cities here and in Europe and would call them whenever I was in their city and had free time.I always asked them to dinner or lunch depending on the time but a lot of the time they just wanted to come to my hotel and we would party.Sex was always going to happen and both of us knew that from the start.


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## MrsHolland

lovelygirl said:


> Personally, I do agree with @NextTimeAround that a girl needs to be discreet, even if this is a double standard. Guys, still look at women who sleep around with a bad eye.


Huh?

How young are you? 
Which century do you live in?
Do you live in a backwater little country town?


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## jld

Hi, lovelygirl. Thanks for starting this thread for the folks who want to discuss it.

MrsHolland, I don't have extensive thoughts on this subject. I was mostly just agreeing with what @Andy1001 said about how women tend to get attached in these relationships. It just makes sense to me considering how relationship-oriented most women I know are.

Men may get attached in FWB relationships, too, not sure. But Andy seems to have experience and he specifically mentioned women getting attached. 

No other real thoughts on the subject. And it sounds like your experience may have been opposite of what Andy said about women, so feel free to ignore anything I have said here. It may be completely irrelevant.


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## Andy1001

The idea that men are expecting to marry virgins went away about the same time as the pony express.But there is still a double standard,it's just more subtle.Most men accept that women they meet have had a previous sex life but the men don't really want to think about it.Its why when a couple are discussing the previous partners count,men exaggerate and women minimise.It's still a double standard and inherently unfair to the woman in the relationship because the imaginary women the male says he has slept with aren't going to appear to contradict him but the woman may be "found out" if she inadvertently lets something slip or if she falls out with a friend and the friend reveals the truth to cause trouble.


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## lovelygirl

@MrsHolland


> Huh?
> 
> How young are you?
> Which century do you live in?
> Do you live in a backwater little country town?


*First, *there's no need to be surprised as not everyone will think the same as you do;
*Second*, careful with your 'tone' when refering to me or my country, regardless of what/where the country is;
*Third, *I expressed a reality which exists in many parts of the world, whether you like it or not. My post was not about what I think of women who experience FWB ..but rather about what some GUYS think of these women;
*Forth, *whether I'm young or old, whether I live in Europe or the States or Asia...truth is...women who experience FWB are not always considered to be GF/wife material for many guys. It is an unfortunate reality that I've experienced many times in the circle of my friends - foreign or native ones. So it's not just about my country and/or age, as you put it. 
*Fifth,* I live in the same century as you live in and I'm surprised that in 2017 there are still people who don't know that experiences and opinions have different colors and aspects.


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## jld

Andy1001 said:


> The idea that men are expecting to marry virgins went away about the same time as the pony express.But there is still a double standard,it's just more subtle.Most men accept that women they meet have had a previous sex life but the men don't really want to think about it.Its why when a couple are discussing the previous partners count,*men exaggerate* and women minimise.It's still a double standard and inherently unfair to the woman in the relationship because the imaginary women the male says he has slept with aren't going to appear to contradict him but the woman may be "found out" if she inadvertently lets something slip or if she falls out with a friend and the friend reveals the truth to cause trouble.


The bolded is unfortunate. I have a lot of respect for men with a low partner count.

I think each sex should be honest with the other about that, right from the beginning.


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## NextTimeAround

MrsHolland said:


> Huh?
> 
> How young are you?
> Which century do you live in?
> Do you live in a backwater little country town?



why don't you tell us about YOU!


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## lovelygirl

@Andy1001



> The idea that men are expecting to marry virgins went away about the same time as the pony express.But there is still a double standard,it's just more subtle.Most men accept that women they meet have had a previous sex life but the men don't really want to think about it.Its why when a couple are discussing the previous partners count,men exaggerate and women minimise.It's still a double standard and inherently unfair to the woman in the relationship because the imaginary women the male says he has slept with aren't going to appear to contradict him but the woman may be "found out" if she inadvertently lets something slip or if she falls out with a friend and the friend reveals the truth to cause trouble.


Exactly! This is what I was talking about in my previous posts. As unfair as it is, some men will still take into account the number of ex-partners that his SO had in the past, before deciding to marry her...especially when it comes to a possible FWB-relation that she used to experience.


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## Andy1001

jld said:


> The bolded is unfortunate. I have a lot of respect for men with a low partner count.
> 
> I think each sex should be honest with the other about that, right from the beginning.


But both the statements are lies,it's just that his is never going to come back and bite him in the ass whereas hers might.


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## lovelygirl

@ConanHub


> I don't really get FWB.
> 
> I was very promiscuous in my youth but was damaged emotionally.
> 
> *I never slept with a friend. Not once.*
> 
> Too much of a connection can, and in my opinion, should form.
> 
> Mrs. Conan was the first and last woman that I slept with for love.


When you refer to the definition of _FRIENDS with benefits_, do you mean she literally had to be your friend if you decided to 'eff' her? 
I consider FWB even someone who's not a friend in its real meaning...bur rather an acquaintance that I sleep with on regular basis.


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## jld

Andy1001 said:


> But both the statements are lies,it's just that his is never going to come back and bite him in the ass whereas hers might.


It could if she finds out he lied. She may not trust him then.


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## Andy1001

jld said:


> It could if she finds out he lied. She may not trust him then.


How can she ever find out he lied by exaggerating the amount of girls he has slept with.If I had fifty one night stands but said I had eighty who is ever going to disprove it.If the girl says she had twelve previous partners over a few years but then someone reveals that on a two week vacation she hooked up with a different guy every night then she is caught badly and her bf will never trust her again.I'm not saying this is right or in any way fair but it's how it is.


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## ConanHub

lovelygirl said:


> @ConanHub
> 
> 
> When you refer to the definition of _FRIENDS with benefits_, do you mean she literally had to be your friend if you decided to 'eff' her?
> I consider FWB even someone who's not a friend in its real meaning...bur rather an acquaintance that I sleep with on regular basis.


I never had sex with anyone on a regular basis. Just short affairs. Sometimes one night, sometimes a week or two but nothing but partying and sex went on.

I never hung out with them afterwards and wasn't friends with them ever.

I had a lot of friends who were female that never got me into bed.

I would not have sex with someone I cared about or who cared about me.

Like I said. I was damaged.


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## jld

Andy1001 said:


> How can she ever find out he lied by exaggerating the amount of girls he has slept with.If I had fifty one night stands but said I had eighty who is ever going to disprove it.If the girl says she had twelve previous partners over a few years but then someone reveals that on a two week vacation she hooked up with a different guy every night then she is caught badly and her bf will never trust her again.I'm not saying this is right or in any way fair but it's how it is.


She may find out. And if she does, and she values honesty, she may really be disillusioned.

And she may wonder why he lied about something that, in her opinion, he should be proud of.


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## jld

ConanHub said:


> I never had sex with anyone on a regular basis. Just short affairs. Sometimes one night, sometimes a week or two but nothing but partying and sex went on.
> 
> I never hung out with them afterwards and wasn't friends with them ever.
> 
> I had a lot of friends who were female that never got me into bed.
> 
> *I would not have sex with someone I cared about or who cared about me.*
> 
> Like I said. I was damaged.


I am really glad you had this standard. Saved a lot of girls a lot of heartbreak, whether they realized it at the time or not.

I think some people can have uncommitted sex and some cannot. I know I cannot.


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## Andy1001

jld said:


> She may find out. And if she does, and she values honesty, she may really be disillusioned.
> 
> And she may wonder why he lied about something that, in her opinion, he should be proud of.


I still don't get how she could ever find out but we don't have to agree on the subject.I do find the second statement a bit odd though,why would him sleeping with fifty women rather than eighty be such a good thing.In my opinion once you get above twenty previous partners then selective amnesia is recommended and that is for both partners.lol.


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## ConanHub

jld said:


> I am really glad you had this standard. Saved a lot of girls a lot of heartbreak, whether they realized it at the time or not.
> 
> I think some people can have uncommitted sex and some cannot. I know I cannot.


I actually couldn't either. That lifestyle almost destroyed me and unfortunately, many of the young ladies did become attached and got heartbroken.

I still cry sometimes over what I did and pray for them.


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## jld

Andy1001 said:


> I still don't get how she could ever find out but we don't have to agree on the subject.I do find the second statement a bit odd though,why would him sleeping with fifty women rather than eighty be such a good thing.In my opinion once you get above twenty previous partners then selective amnesia is recommended and that is for both partners.lol.


What if he has a guilty conscience and tells her?

What if the actual numbers were 2 instead of 20?

Okay, no need to discuss, but not everyone admires men with a high count, nor faults women for having one. Just sayin'.


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## jld

ConanHub said:


> I actually couldn't either. That lifestyle almost destroyed me and unfortunately, many of the young ladies did become attached and got heartbroken.
> 
> I still cry sometimes over what I did and pray for them.


Did you ever apologize to them, or even just take the time to listen and genuinely care about their feelings about what happened? I bet that would go a long way towards healing that heartbreak.

I cannot tell you how much I would respect that in a man. Whatever he did originally, the strength of character to go back and face that, and take responsibility, would earn my respect.


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## *Deidre*

I've never had a FWB thing, but have had opportunities to explore that, I guess. Just never wanted to, because I always thought that the friendships would be ruined if sex were to happen. My fiance and I started as friends, and I've had other relationships from being friends at first with a guy. But, I don't think I could be ''just friends'' with sex as a bonus or something. I think at some point, someone will catch feelings.


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## ConanHub

jld said:


> Did you ever apologize to them, or even just take the time to listen and genuinely care about their feelings about what happened? I bet that would go a long way towards healing that heartbreak.
> 
> I cannot tell you how much I would respect that in a man. Whatever he did originally, the strength of character to go back and face that, and take responsibility, would earn my respect.


I would love to have the opportunity to talk with them and apologize.

I probably feel worse about it than them but I don't think I'll get the chance. There were many of them in many places and it is doubtful we will ever meet again.

Good sentiments from you however.


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## jld

ConanHub said:


> I would love to have the opportunity to talk with them and apologize.
> 
> I probably feel worse about it than them but I don't think I'll get the chance. There were many of them in many places and it is doubtful we will ever meet again.
> 
> Good sentiments from you however.


You're welcome, CH.

I hope they are sincerely loved and cherished now. Being truly loved can be so healing for a woman.


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## ConanHub

lovelygirl said:


> @Andy1001
> 
> 
> Exactly! This is what I was talking about in my previous posts. As unfair as it is, some men will still take into account the number of ex-partners that his SO had in the past, before deciding to marry her...especially when it comes to a possible FWB-relation that she used to experience.


I think people, regardless of gender, need to be careful.

There is nothing casual about casual sex.

More problems have come out of abusing or disrespecting the gift of sex.

Everyone has slightly differing tolerance for sexual history.

Personally, I could be with a woman who did everything possible except illegal, as long as she had left it behind to become 100% mine.

Unfortunately, I am also very territorial and a woman who had relations with friends would have to give them up for me.


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## Wolf1974

I have done both FWB and FB (**** buddy)

Difference between the two is no feelings are involved with FB but with FWB you are friends and have at min those feelings.

The problem became two fold with FWB. 

One we would sometimes have sex and sometimes hangout because we legitimately were friends. The lines were always blurred and we never reall knew where we were at with each other. I care about her but did not want a relationship other than friends. She was using it as a means to get into a relationship with me. Ultimately it ended badly as a result

Second problem is what do you do when you get involved with a realtionship with someone else. The FWB has to go but your friends right? It's not the same a plutonic OsF either. Personally if I value our friendship I don't want to have to distance myself because of sex. 

My opinion experiencing both is FB are sustainable and FWB's are not. I wouldn't start that with any of my female friends ever again.


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## wild jade

lovelygirl said:


> Exactly! This is what I was talking about in my previous posts. As unfair as it is, some men will still take into account the number of ex-partners that his SO had in the past, before deciding to marry her...especially when it comes to a possible FWB-relation that she used to experience.


Meh, who wants that guy anyway.


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## wild jade

I don't see an issue with FWB. They exist because of a mutual need and some sexual attraction -- but don't develop further because there's no basis there for a relationship. It's those who are trying to use FWB to gain something more that will end in heartbreak, IMHO. That's where the danger lays.


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## Vinnydee

I lived with a girl who had sex with me and also with different guys that she met. I had my own girlfriends too. We sleep together and played house together but we were not in love. It was an arrangement of convenience. She needed a lot of sex and so did I so we had sex with each other a few times a day and then went off to see other partners. 

We were never in love. We just enjoyed sex together, especially when she came home after being with another guy. We never went on a date. It was just a sexual relationship for a year. For me it was a turning point because I had a habit of falling in love with anyone I was having steady sex with. After her, that was not the case anymore and I had a lot of one night stands when we split because I relocated to another State. It just worked for us and never any jealousy.

My wife an I shared a few FWB because my wife is bi and she likes FFM threesomes. She never had sex with a woman without me there, if only to watch. She feels like it would be cheating. We have learned that sex can just be sex. A fun experience for all involved and nothing more. We did share one lover, her best friend who we both had feelings for, but the rest were just fun playmates.


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## frusdil

The problem with FWB is that it usually (but not always) ends badly for the woman. This is simply because men and women are wired differently when it comes to sex. Men can often (but not always) separate sex and love, where women cannot (generally). 

Biologically, women tend to bond and form attachments through sex, men do too but it usually takes longer.

Personally, FWB isn't for me, I know myself too well to even go there. I would become attached and get very hurt. That said, I can see why both men and women are drawn to those types of relationships, and the need for regular sex - especially after coming out of a bad marriage.


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## Evinrude58

jld said:


> What if he has a guilty conscience and tells her?
> 
> What if the actual numbers were 2 instead of 20?
> 
> Okay, no need to discuss, but not everyone admires men with a high count, nor faults women for having one. Just sayin'.


I suspect it's all about the context of the low number. If the guy obviously could have a lot of partners and didn't for moral reasons-- admiration.
If the guy had a very low number because no women wanted sex with him---/ not as admirable.

This should be obvious.


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## Evinrude58

Myself, I don't care to have sex with a woman I don't love, or think I might be developing feelings for.

I'd just rather have no sex than sex with someone just because.

Of course, if the FWB were really hot---- aw heck, I might. But it wouldn't last long. I'd be wanting to find someone I loved, to have sex with.


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## MJJEAN

wild jade said:


> lovelygirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> Exactly! This is what I was talking about in my previous posts. As unfair as it is, some men will still take into account the number of ex-partners that his SO had in the past, before deciding to marry her...especially when it comes to a possible FWB-relation that she used to experience.
> 
> 
> 
> Meh, who wants that guy anyway.
Click to expand...

No joke! Any man that would have a problem with my partner count or that some were FWB would be completely incompatible with me anyway and not someone I'd want to date.

I had a few FWB and a few FB. I was up front about the relationship being just friendship and sex. Most FWB/FB relationships I had naturally faded over time or were ended when one of us began a real relationship. A couple ended because the FWB developed feelings and wanted more. 

I have not and would not deny or minimize the number of partners I've had or that some were ONS, FWB, or FB.

Guess the best way to describe how I handle FWB is openly and honestly.


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## TBT

It would be interesting to see the age demographic of these replies. I don't think the term FWB was around when I was younger. Maybe because of societal views at the time it wasn't accepted as mainstream as it is today. I have slept with a couple of friends in the past. There was no decision of it being a recurring thing,as they came about more out of circumstance. The thing I have noticed about myself as I've grown older is that what I accept today has changed in accordance with the amount of selfishness I've been able to overcome.


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## SunCMars

MrsHolland said:


> There is no obligation for anyone to "get it". The F in FWB does not necessarily mean they were an existing friend. My past FWB's started out as strangers meeting up to date, realising that we did not want to form a relationship but enjoyed each others company and had a sexual connection. It is actually a very adult way to deal with life and be realistic about the fact people want to have sex with someone they connect with on a mutual respect level but don't want a future with.


I could never do this.

Once I put my hand in the cookie jar.....I ain't letting go.


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## sokillme

lovelygirl said:


> Personally, I do agree with @NextTimeAround that a girl needs to be discreet, even if this is a double standard. Guys, still look at women who sleep around with a bad eye.


Until he finds out 5 years later when you are serious and then you were hiding things from him, that kind of thing taints your relationship forever. There are quite a few threads like this on here. This is just a bad idea. Better to be honest about who you are, and find someone who is fine with that, then present yourself as something you are not. It's not the 50's there are plenty of men who would be OK with women who had a FWB relationship. Maybe not staying friends with this person once you get serious, but how many posts have we seen on here were the guy finds out after the fact and now feels like he has been lied to for years. JUST DON'T DO IT. 

Be brave enough to be authentic and find someone who loves you for you, you will have a much better relationship is you don't start it with secrets.


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## sokillme

lovelygirl said:


> @Andy1001
> 
> 
> Exactly! This is what I was talking about in my previous posts. As unfair as it is, some men will still take into account the number of ex-partners that his SO had in the past, before deciding to marry her...especially when it comes to a possible FWB-relation that she used to experience.


There is nothing fair or unfair about it. People are allowed to have choices in a mate. What you advocate in the last post was lying to them to give yourself more choices. This post and this one makes you sound pretty entitled. It's no different then if you are not religious and you don't want to be with someone who is. Do you advocate lying about that too? 

People make all kinds of choices about who they want in a mate and why. Why is the number of sex partners any more or less fair then any other reason exactly?

Some people see sex as sacred and want it to be unique and special to them as a couple. I looked at it this way say I wanted to travel the world with my mate, but I didn't want to be with a mate who had been to all the places we could go to before with someone else. There is nothing wrong or unfair about that. What's even worse is when your mate tells you they have been to Paris with some other person and didn't like it, so they are never going to Paris again. Meanwhile you never got to go to Paris with them. This happens a lot as far as I can see. 

By the way, I am a man and I never had sex with anyone other then who I loved, and I haven't loved many people. I also have no problem if you don't feel that way. It's just girls that thought that way wouldn't be my type. Actually girls that liked me found that out quick as I wasn't interested in sleeping with them, I told them why and most weren't interested in me at that point. To me sex is way to intimate to just do it with a stranger. FWB I could do, but I figured since I am have to get to the friends stage anyway why not just save it for love. I didn't ever want it to be like getting a cup of coffee. 

Personally I know I will get killed for this but I think the cup of coffee idea is why people find it so easy to cheat today. If you see it as just something as common as getting coffee what's the big deal with cheating anyway. It's just coffee. 

My next question is why would you want to be with someone who thinks so fundamentally different they you on sex that you have to hide who you are? 

This is just a terrible way of thinking about it, especially in today's day an age when there are plenty of men who don't care. **** there is a whole subset of men who want there wives to go out and sleep with other men.


Then there is this. 
and this.

But no one wants to talk about that!


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## arbitrator

*I've never ever considered FWB, because at least for me, sex is just way too emotional and far more attaching! 

I mean, exactly how does FWB work? Is it just a "pull-it-out, put-it-in, wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am(or sir)," without the benefit of kissing or oral sex, which, in my book, is all just way too intoxicatingly attaching!

Sorry, but this old fart just couldn't do it! Sex and all of the associated, lovely accoutrements should strictly be reserved for my serious, "attached" relationships!*


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## MrsHolland

lovelygirl said:


> @MrsHolland
> 
> 
> *First, *there's no need to be surprised as not everyone will think the same as you do;
> *Second*, careful with your 'tone' when refering to me or my country, regardless of what/where the country is;
> *Third, *I expressed a reality which exists in many parts of the world, whether you like it or not. My post was not about what I think of women who experience FWB ..but rather about what some GUYS think of these women;
> *Forth, *whether I'm young or old, whether I live in Europe or the States or Asia...truth is...women who experience FWB are not always considered to be GF/wife material for many guys. It is an unfortunate reality that I've experienced many times in the circle of my friends - foreign or native ones. So it's not just about my country and/or age, as you put it.
> *Fifth,* I live in the same century as you live in and I'm surprised that in 2017 there are still people who don't know that experiences and opinions have different colors and aspects.


Lol

well you made a very broad statement that implied women that have FWB are sleeping around.

And while I appreciate the time it took you for your little list, I don't succumb to being micro managed on forums. So yeah if you want to have discourse great but your list is a tad OTT.

I asked your age because your attitude is not aligned with my experience of the above 40 crowd, especially post divorce.

I did not use any "tone" but if you read it that way then that "tone" is in your head as you read.
I did not ask what country you are from, perhaps you need to re read the post. I asked if you are from a parochial country town as they are synonymous with small mindedness. So if you are going to get all worked up about a post then read it properly first 

Thankfully where I live and my crowd are all very progressive in their thinking, it is 2017 after all.


----------



## jld

sokillme said:


> Be brave enough to be authentic and find someone who loves you for you, you will have a much better relationship is you don't start it with secrets.


I agree with this. 

If someone cannot accept your past, why would you want to be with them? 

No one is worth hiding or lying for.


----------



## MrsHolland

arbitrator said:


> *I've never ever considered FWB, because at least for me, sex is just way too emotional and far more attaching!
> 
> I mean, exactly how does it work? Is it just a "pull-it-out, put-it-in, wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am(or sir)," without the benefit of kissing or oral sex, which, in my book, is just way too intoxicatingly attaching!
> 
> Sorry, but this old fart just couldn't do it! Sex and all of the associated, lovely accoutrements should strictly be reserved for serious, "attached" relationships!*


I am curious as to why you would think that FWB sex does not include kissing, oral etc? 

Just to get this straight FWB can have an emotional connection in the form of friendship and mutual respect. 
FB is probably more akin to sex for the sake of it eg bootycall.


----------



## Andy1001

jld said:


> What if he has a guilty conscience and tells her?
> 
> What if the actual numbers were 2 instead of 20?
> 
> Okay, no need to discuss, but not everyone admires men with a high count, nor faults women for having one. Just sayin'.


From the last sentence in your post I can read that you don't get the point I am trying to make.My point is the hypocrisy of the fact that women have to lie about their past sexual partners just to fit in.I never said anywhere that it is something to be proud of to have a high number but I did say I regret nothing about my past.I never hurt anyone and we always parted on good terms.


----------



## Satya

I've had a few past friends (female) who would prefer fwb. I couldn't do it personally because sex is a bonding act for me, of the strongest kind, and I'd rather not put myself in a crash & burn scenario with someone temporary. 

My friends all spoke highly of their fwbs, that is until they started to desire more of a connection from the constant sex/orgasms and promptly found themselves dumped after working up the courage to ask for more. 

They knew what they were doing, but I'd hear no end of lamenting. One threatened to commit suicide. I remember talking her down and helping to get her into therapy. 

I know that some women can compartmentalize sex and strong feelings, but I really do not think it is a common ability. Or, they truly think they can compartmentalize, and maybe they do for a while, but they eventually get attached. 

I didn't intend to deviate from the topic, which was how does one handle their fwb. From my 3rd party perspective experience, the way my friends handled it was varied, but each of them seemed to be missing something from their lives, something they couldn't quite articulate. They may have been sexually satisfied, but I wouldn't call them happy. Maybe they were not the real stuff of fwb. Maybe they did want a stronger relationship but weren't ready and just wanted sex? I'm really not sure. I lost touch with them all when I moved back to my home country.


----------



## NextTimeAround

TBT said:


> It would be interesting to see the age demographic of these replies. I don't think the term FWB was around when I was younger. Maybe because of societal views at the time it wasn't accepted as mainstream as it is today. I have slept with a couple of friends in the past. There was no decision of it being a recurring thing,as they came about more out of circumstance. The thing I have noticed about myself as I've grown older is that what I accept today has changed in accordance with the amount of selfishness I've been able to overcome.


I get the feeling that terms like FB, FWB and booty call were coined in the early eighties. At university (late 70s, early 80s) we were doing those things but did not yet have a name for it.


----------



## jld

Andy1001 said:


> From the last sentence in your post I can read that you don't get the point I am trying to make.My point is the hypocrisy of the fact that women have to lie about their past sexual partners just to fit in.I never said anywhere that it is something to be proud of to have a high number but I did say I regret nothing about my past.I never hurt anyone and we always parted on good terms.


I certainly do not think women should lie to fit in, either. Far from it.

Are you sure you did not hurt anyone? It is hard to believe that not one of those gals had feelings for you.


----------



## Andy1001

jld said:


> I certainly do not think women should lie to fit in, either. Far from it.
> 
> Are you sure you did not hurt anyone? It is hard to believe that not one of those gals had feelings for you.


Well unless it was a crush they had I was never around very long so any meaningful relationship never had time to get off the ground.When I say I moved around a lot I really mean it.The entire year I was twenty one I never got home,always hotels,always top class.Just to have someone for a bit of company was great and I spoiled them rotten.


----------



## NextTimeAround

I don't think women have to lie about their active past, I just think we need to be discrete. No one wants things "in your face."

This is why I say women need to choose wisely their FB or FWB partner because you want him to be as discrete as you are. And some men, given my experience, after a while do not want to remain discrete. Even if they are not interested in an LTR.

My experience is that my FWB partner was Jewish and said that he keep his mother happy by marrying a nice Jewish woman. I had just recently moved and was trying to build a social life. We did fun things together. But when one of his friends hit on me, he c0ckblocked him. He started becoming sloppy, less reliable. He borrowed money off me and took forever to pay me back (mind you, he was making 6 figures at a strategy consulting firm) and so on.

There is nothing morally wrong with these types of relationships in principle. Just operationally, you should never lose control of the relationship. If the other person isn't following any explicit or implicit agreements (like being discrete) then it's time to end the relationship and move on.

If the other person feels that by YOUR rules, they are getting nothing out of the relationship, then they need to decide to move on. (I am pre-empting anyone here who might accuse me of using this guy.)

I only deal with people of adult age and if they are capable of landing 6 figure jobs, then they have some form of a brain inside their heads, they are capable of exiting the relationship as well.


----------



## jld

Andy1001 said:


> Well unless it was a crush they had I was never around very long so any meaningful relationship never had time to get off the ground.When I say I moved around a lot I really mean it.The entire year I was twenty one I never got home,always hotels,always top class.Just to have someone for a bit of company was great and I spoiled them rotten.


But you said that several of the young women working for you at the gym have offered to sleep with you, right? So undoubtedly a lot of women have been attracted to you. Unusual if they did not have feelings for you, don't you think?

Yes, it is nice that you paid for things when you went out. But would you want your own daughter treated that way, would you be satisfied with just that for her, if her heart longed for more from a young man?


----------



## lovelygirl

ConanHub said:


> I think people, regardless of gender, need to be careful.
> 
> *There is nothing casual about casual sex.
> 
> More problems have come out of abusing or disrespecting the gift of sex.*
> 
> Everyone has slightly differing tolerance for sexual history.
> 
> Personally, I could be with a woman who did everything possible except illegal, as long as she had left it behind to become 100% mine.
> 
> Unfortunately, I am also very territorial and a woman who had relations with friends would have to give them up for me.


Just like you, I find it hard to have casual sex ...although sometimes I wish I could feel more free in that department and go with the flow. It would make me more immune to feelings and it would prevent me from a quick emotional attachment with someone. 
Either one or the other, sooner or later will want to have more...unless they both know (in their conscious) that there's not real future.

As for your territoriality, it's fair enough. After all, why would I be interested in keeping a friendship someone I had only some casual sex with. I wouldn't really care about him afterwards so giving up would be easy for me I guess. 
If my SO wanted to still be around his casual F*ck budies then I'd consider it a red flag.

Although, it depends on the situation. I don't want to judge anything/anyone without know how things went.


----------



## Andy1001

jld said:


> But you said that several of the young women working for you at the gym have offered to sleep with you, right? So undoubtedly a lot of women have been attracted to you. Unusual if they did not have feelings for you, don't you think?
> 
> Yes, it is nice that you paid for things when you went out. But would you want your own daughter treated that way, would you be satisfied with just that for her, if her heart longed for more from a young man?


I don't really understand what you are asking me.Nobody forces people to have ons or fwb it's a mutual arrangement between two willing people.As for my employees I have never touched any of them and don't intend to either.You seem to be making it sound like something sordid but it is anything but.It is two willing people having some fun and nobody gets hurt,if someone starts to get emotionally involved then it is time to pull away.
I intend to shoot the first ten boys who hit on my daughter,just as a warning to others.

I'm joking.

I think.


----------



## jld

Andy1001 said:


> I don't really understand what you are asking me.Nobody forces people to have ons or fwb it's a mutual arrangement between two willing people.As for my employees I have never touched any of them and don't intend to either.You seem to be making it sound like something sordid but it is anything but.It is two willing people having some fun and nobody gets hurt,if someone starts to get emotionally involved then it is time to pull away.
> I intend to shoot the first ten boys who hit on my daughter,just as a warning to others.
> 
> I'm joking.
> 
> I think.


That is what I mean. You realize the risk of someone's developing feelings, likely the woman. I am sure you would not want that for your daughter.

Andy, all those girls were someone's daughter.


----------



## lovelygirl

sokillme said:


> There is nothing fair or unfair about it. People are allowed to have choices in a mate. *What you advocate in the last post was lying to them to give yourself more choices*. This post and this one makes you sound pretty entitled. It's no different then if you are not religious and you don't want to be with someone who is. Do you advocate lying about that too?


Where in my posts did I advocate lying?? Read carefully please. 
I was simply saying that the double standard was not OK for me but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to lie to your partner about exes or past FWBs. He either accepts my exes/FWB or he's gone. His problem, not mine. 

I didn't even mention 'lying', nor meant it.



> People make all kinds of choices about who they want in a mate and why. Why is the number of sex partners any more or less fair then any other reason exactly?


Just like it's fair to want to have choices in a mate, it's still fair to think that counting the number of ex-es is (per se) unfair.



> My next question is why would you want to be with someone who thinks so fundamentally different they you on sex that you have to hide who you are?


That's the problem of those who want to hide(TWWTH) and their current partners who have a problem with TWWTH's exes.

Personally, I've been asked in the past by one of the guys I was dating ...how many partners I had had or what type of sex I had had. 
I told the guy to shut it and if he had a problem with my number then he was free to leave. What's worse, I lost respect for him because it showed a pure lack of confidence on his part.


----------



## TaDor

MrsHolland said:


> That is not correct. Sure this type of relationship does not have to involve spending money on dates which was the question asked but it is not only about sex, not by a long shot. That is a very misinformed suggestion.


(I moved this over)

Agreed... FWB and bootycalls/FB (**** buddy) are two different things. FWB = able to do things outside of sex - a friendship of some sort. BC/FB = not much talking at all.
I am still friends with ex FWB. I've told my wife about my ex-GF or exFWB past... no lies. But my sex number I guess still gets to her.

Was watching a reality TV show on SyFy channel... and I go "Oh! I know that woman - been years since I last seen her." Wife = "Did you have sex with her?" Tador = "no. Having FWB doesn't mean all my friends or people I know - I had sex with them". :/


----------



## jld

lovelygirl said:


> Where in my posts did I advocate lying?? Read carefully please.
> I was simply saying that the double standard was not OK for me but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to lie to your partner about exes or past FWBs. He either accepts my exes/FWB or he's gone. His problem, not mine.
> 
> I didn't even mention 'lying', nor meant it.
> 
> 
> Just like it's fair to want to have choices in a mate, it's still fair to think that counting the number of ex-es is (per se) unfair.
> 
> 
> That's the problem of those who want to hide(TWWTH) and their current partners who have a problem with TWWTH's exes.
> 
> Personally, I've been asked in the past by one of the guys I was dating ...how many partners I had had or what type of sex I had had.
> I told the guy to shut it and if he had a problem with my number then he was free to leave. What's worse, *I lost respect for him because it showed a pure lack of confidence on his part*.


My husband mentioned this, too, that if men do not like a high number it is because it makes them feel insecure.


----------



## ConanHub

Andy1001 said:


> I don't really understand what you are asking me.Nobody forces people to have ons or fwb it's a mutual arrangement between two willing people.As for my employees I have never touched any of them and don't intend to either.You seem to be making it sound like something sordid but it is anything but.It is two willing people having some fun and nobody gets hurt,if someone starts to get emotionally involved then it is time to pull away.
> I intend to shoot the first ten boys who hit on my daughter,just as a warning to others.
> 
> I'm joking.
> 
> I think.


LOL!:smthumbup:

I like your last thought in this post!

jld is just digging and asking thought provokers.


----------



## lovelygirl

Now that I'm thinking again...I *could *be FWB/FB only with someone I have been previously in a relationship with (a very long time ago)... only if the past feelings don't affect the current situation.


----------



## TaDor

lovelygirl said:


> Personally, I've been asked in the past by one of the guys I was dating ...how many partners I had had or what type of sex I had had.
> I told the guy to shut it and if he had a problem with my number then he was free to leave. What's worse, I lost respect for him because it showed a pure lack of confidence on his part.


And this is why it really shouldn't matter. Only thing that should : Are you a virgin (doubtful)? Do you have STDs? Are you cheating on someone else?
My own personal feelings for the woman wouldn't change if she had sex with 5 people or 500.

After 6 years with my wife... I *STILL* don't know her sex partner number (male and female) before we met. I'd guess in 20~30 range. She knows I'm about 200. I don't have an exact number... its been years. I've been drunk since then.


----------



## jld

ConanHub said:


> LOL!:smthumbup:
> 
> I like your last thought in this post!
> 
> jld is just digging and asking thought provokers.


If we do not ask thought-provoking questions of each other, what is the point of the forum?


----------



## Andy1001

ConanHub said:


> LOL!:smthumbup:
> 
> I like your last thought in this post!
> 
> jld is just digging and asking thought provokers.


I always enjoy talking to her she knows the buttons to press.It doesn't help that my ten day old daughter is beside me as I type.lol.


----------



## jld

Andy1001 said:


> I always enjoy talking to her she knows the buttons to press.It doesn't help that my ten day old daughter is beside me as I type.lol.


You should do an update on her on your thread. I bet you are loving being a father!

And it is to your credit that you do not get offended by my questions, Andy. It shows intelligence and inner security.


----------



## Andy1001

jld said:


> You should do an update on her on your thread. I bet you are loving being a father!


I miscounted,she's eleven days old.They grow up so fast these days.lol


----------



## ConanHub

jld said:


> My husband mentioned this, too, that if men do not like a high number it is because it makes them feel insecure.


I'm not convinced about the insecurity.

Some people, men and women, just have an "ick" level and are disgusted.

I have lived a wild life and then changed. I have seen many women do the same so I don't have much of an "ick" factor when considering a potential mate.

She would have to be a changed person however and be willing to accommodate me in certain areas to ensure the success of our relationship.

I do think insecurity is a factor in many of these situations combined with the "ick" factor.

I am very confident so there might be something to what Dug is saying. I think a lot of people are possibly confident but just revolted by the sexual behavior of a potential mate.


----------



## jld

ConanHub said:


> I'm not convinced about the insecurity.
> 
> Some people, men and women, just have an "ick" level and are disgusted.
> 
> I have lived a wild life and then changed. I have seen many women do the same so I don't have much of an "ick" factor when considering a potential mate.
> 
> She would have to be a changed person however and be willing to accommodate me in certain areas to ensure the success of our relationship.
> 
> I do think insecurity is a factor in many of these situations combined with the "ick" factor.
> 
> I am very confident so there might be something to what Dug is saying. I think a lot of people are possibly confident but just revolted by the sexual behavior of a potential mate.


I would be turned off by a high partner count. To me it does not say the man loved the women. And loving whoever he was with indicates sincerity to me.


----------



## ConanHub

jld said:


> I would be turned off by a high partner count. To me it does not say the man loved the women. And loving whoever he was with indicates sincerity to me.


And you are not alone in your perspective.

That is a valid view point that many men and women have.

I happen to agree with you.

I am not bothered by any sexual history as long as it is "history" and the person has changed.


----------



## jld

ConanHub said:


> And you are not alone in your perspective.
> 
> That is a valid view point that many men and women have.
> 
> I happen to agree with you.
> 
> I am not bothered by any sexual history as long as it is "history" and the person has changed.


I still feel sorry for the people hurt, though.


----------



## ConanHub

jld said:


> I still feel sorry for the people hurt, though.


You know well that I hurt for them also.

Mrs. C was not as promiscuous as me but was what could be considered a serial cheater.

She changed and deeply regrets her past, even weeping about it.

The best people can do is choose to be different and better as well as make reparations when possible.


----------



## jld

ConanHub said:


> You know well that I hurt for them also.
> 
> Mrs. C was not as promiscuous as me but was what could be considered a serial cheater.
> 
> She changed and deeply regrets her past, even weeping about it.
> 
> The best people can do is choose to be different and better as well as make reparations when possible.


I really wish I had never been involved with anyone before Dug. I am one of those people who should have had a lifetime partner count of one.

But live and learn.


----------



## ConanHub

jld said:


> I really wish I had never been involved with anyone before Dug. I am one of those people who should have had a lifetime partner count of one.
> 
> But live and learn.


On the same page with you there.

I definitely wish Mrs. C had been my only one.


----------



## jld

ConanHub said:


> On the same page with you there.
> 
> I definitely wish Mrs. C had been my only one.


(((Conan)))


----------



## lovelygirl

Why do you guys regret having had more than one partner? 
Having been in other relationships/sexual encounters before made you be who you are today. 
Probably you wouldn't be so good to your partners, so devoted and so understanding if you didn't have those past relationships.
Don't regret it!

I, on the other hand, wish I had 10+ partners when it's not even close to that...not even close to half of that. 
My psychological state and my flaw to over-think things.. impedes me from pursuing as many men as I want.


----------



## SunCMars

jld said:


> The bolded is unfortunate. I have a lot of respect for *men with a low partner count*.
> 
> I think each sex should be honest with the other about that, right from the beginning.


This is so unfair.

A low partner Count!

Or-

A Duke who has many low partners, the tall ones do not Count! The tall ones do not measure down.
A Princess who Counts on her partners to have low character... to be Jesters and kinky,!
A King who sits on his throne looking down on all the lowly Counts. And their pathetic use of the Abbey-cuss to Count their scores.
A Prince who makes music on the soft bellies of his lowly Countesses! He uses his drum stick on them, trying to make slap-dash noise!

I think the Commoner Demeanor should Count also.

The Hell with Royalty. And the Hell with Judges in long black robes. Robes with white Chantilly lace on the collar. Worn by Those Banning She's. The She's who Count the letters and deem the intent. 

Those Banned Shes that flaunt their flat-line partner Counts. 

And they who brazenly lop off [inches] of already short tongues..... of lesser gods. I Count the remaining inches of my tongue and rue. Rue the days when Counting partners was Bliss, not shame.

I pine for the day that @turnera and @EleGirl get de-frocked! 

I Count the days that my Revenge Affair Counts Coup. The day the Banned Shes live in my tent. And the up-adjusted Count will be the Ultimate Notches on my bedpost.


----------



## ConanHub

lovelygirl said:


> Why do you guys regret having had more than one partner?
> Having been in other relationships/sexual encounters before made you be who you are today.
> Probably you wouldn't be so good to your partners, so devoted and so understanding if you didn't have those past relationships.
> Don't regret it!
> 
> I, on the other hand, wish I had 10+ partners when it's not even close to that...not even close to half of that.
> My psychological state and my flaw to over-think things.. impedes me from pursuing as many men as I want.


No time for the response you deserve. I promise to post my perspective later.


----------



## ConanHub

lovelygirl said:


> Why do you guys regret having had more than one partner?
> Having been in other relationships/sexual encounters before made you be who you are today.
> Probably you wouldn't be so good to your partners, so devoted and so understanding if you didn't have those past relationships.
> Don't regret it!
> 
> I, on the other hand, wish I had 10+ partners when it's not even close to that...not even close to half of that.
> My psychological state and my flaw to over-think things.. impedes me from pursuing as many men as I want.


Coming from a man with a lot of experience, understand I am not bragging and regret my history, having many women did not help me in any way with my relationship with Mrs. C.

I later used the experiences as points of data that can be useful in understanding attraction and some points about spontaneous sex.

Emotionally, I have bad memories of my promiscuity. I was not in a good place which was a catalyst for my behavior.

In my heart, I have only wanted to become one with one woman.

I can have a sense of humor about sexual history and even laugh about it now but during the time I was having sex with multiple women, my mental and emotional health was not good.

I am a very sexual and passionate man. That was not developed by multiple women having sex with me.

It was who I always was. I had to learn Mrs. Conan inside and out to become a good lover to her and all the other women were not only no help but a hindrance.

My first time with her, I was no better than a scared virgin who didn't know where to put his hands or other appendages.

I shook like a leaf in an October wind and she had to be patient with me.

The super stud that had bedded more than 60 women between the age of 14 and 20 was not present that night! LOL!

Now my confidence and strength in the bedroom grew by leaps and bounds that first week. I bedded her over 30 times, probably closer to 50, and had her making happy animal sounds rather quickly but that was who I always was regardless of any number of women I was with.

She was actually the most difficult to work out.

All my other conquests were either having seizure level orgasms within 15 minutes of getting naked with me or definitely by the end of an all night sexathon.

Mrs. C took about 3 days and many sex sessions to start "howling at the moon".

If I had been a virgin the first time we were together, it would not have made much of a difference except I wouldn't have had near as much baggage.


----------



## Andy1001

lovelygirl said:


> Why do you guys regret having had more than one partner?
> Having been in other relationships/sexual encounters before made you be who you are today.
> Probably you wouldn't be so good to your partners, so devoted and so understanding if you didn't have those past relationships.
> Don't regret it!
> 
> I, on the other hand, wish I had 10+ partners when it's not even close to that...not even close to half of that.
> My psychological state and my flaw to over-think things.. impedes me from pursuing as many men as I want.


I have a partner count of one.
At a time.😈


----------



## ConanHub

lovelygirl said:


> Why do you guys regret having had more than one partner?
> Having been in other relationships/sexual encounters before made you be who you are today.
> Probably you wouldn't be so good to your partners, so devoted and so understanding if you didn't have those past relationships.
> Don't regret it!
> 
> I, on the other hand, wish I had 10+ partners when it's not even close to that...not even close to half of that.
> My psychological state and my flaw to over-think things.. impedes me from pursuing as many men as I want.


Ok. How many partners and what emotions do you feel about them?

I think you are wonderful just as you are.


----------



## notmyrealname4

jld said:


> I really wish I had never been involved with anyone before Dug. I am one of those people who should have had a lifetime partner count of one.
> 
> But live and learn.





ConanHub said:


> On the same page with you there.
> 
> I definitely wish Mrs. C had been my only one.




I feel the same way. And so does my husband.


----------



## sokillme

lovelygirl said:


> I lost respect for him because it showed a pure lack of confidence on his part.


Oh the irony. You don't even see it do you? You are basically that which you hate. Because someone doesn't think like you about sex put them down, you don't even see that this is exactly the same as the guy who would call a women lose if she slept with lots of men. Both are the same kind of shaming. 

Adults understand that there may be different opinions about the intimacy and the amount of partners, this is part of choosing a mate. It's actually quite normal. They don't call people names and shame them because they have a different opinion. You sound very young.


----------



## sokillme

jld said:


> My husband mentioned this, too, that if men do not like a high number it is because it makes them feel insecure.


I didn't want a high number because I wanted it to be special and unique. Security had nothing to do with it. I had just as low numbers, not that I didn't have options. I have always seen sex as sacred to be shared with people you have a deep emotional connection with. I didn't want it to be anything other then a gift between two people as a final expression of that connection. My wife felt the same way. Frankly to think this way I had to be secure because sex count seems to be equated with manliness in today's society. I wasn't going to go to all of that effort and sacrifice and then end up with someone who didn't feel the same way. 

Not everyone thinks that way because they are insecure. Funny you get insulted on the one hand for not being manly enough, and then you get insulted on the other for being insecure. It's crap.

I have no regrets.


----------



## ConanHub

sokillme said:


> I didn't want a high number because I wanted it to be special and unique. Security had nothing to do with it. I had just as low numbers, not that I didn't have options. I have always seen sex as sacred to be shared with people you have a deep emotional connection with. I didn't want it to be anything other then a gift between two people as a final expression of that connection. My wife felt the same way. Frankly to think this way I had to be secure because sex count seems to be equated with manliness in today's society. I wasn't going to go to all of that effort and sacrifice and then end up with someone who didn't feel the same way.
> 
> Not everyone thinks that way because they are insecure. Funny you get insulted on the one hand for not being manly enough, and then you get insulted on the other for being insecure. It's crap.
> 
> I have no regrets.


No insults intended I'm sure. Just candid conversation.

Maybe her experience was with one of the many, and there are many, insecure men out there.

You are a good example of the other group of people that are not insecure but avoid high partner count mates.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I slept with a friend once.....it was at an emotional low point in my life and I felt horrible afterwards.

I'm just not a casual sex type of person. If you are that's certainly your business, but it probably means our value systems aren't compatible.

I am a relatively sexual person, I've just found that i need a deep bond to show it.


----------



## Wolf1974

jld said:


> I really wish I had never been involved with anyone before Dug. I am one of those people who should have had a lifetime partner count of one.
> 
> But live and learn.


I have never understood the rationale or had the desire to have multiple partners. I would have loved to only have ever been with my x and stayed married for life. Just was not the hand I was delt and I have done the best I could. But I certinaly never attributed my manliness to the number of women I slept with. Not a huge fan of casual sex. Doesn't work for me personally.


----------



## Wolf1974

lifeistooshort said:


> I slept with a friend once.....it was at an emotional low point in my life and I felt horrible afterwards.
> 
> I'm just not a casual sex type of person. If you are that's certainly your business, but it probably means our value systems aren't compatible.
> 
> I am a relatively sexual person, I've just found that i need a deep bond to show it.


Nothing wrong with this I am the same way. Most all my sexual encounters after my x were purely out of pain and loneliness. Amazing how a person can set themselves on a destructive path. 

I don't begrudge people their sexual pasts. I am just certainly not proud of all of mine.


----------



## jld

sokillme said:


> I didn't want a high number because I wanted it to be special and unique. Security had nothing to do with it. I had just as low numbers, not that I didn't have options. I have always seen sex as sacred to be shared with people you have a deep emotional connection with. I didn't want it to be anything other then a gift between two people as a final expression of that connection. My wife felt the same way. Frankly to think this way I had to be secure because sex count seems to be equated with manliness in today's society. I wasn't going to go to all of that effort and sacrifice and then end up with someone who didn't feel the same way.
> 
> Not everyone thinks that way because they are insecure. Funny you get insulted on the one hand for not being manly enough, and then you get insulted on the other for being insecure. It's crap.
> 
> I have no regrets.


He meant men who do not want a high partner count in a woman. 

Dug did not care what my count was. He just loved me and wanted to be with me going forward.


----------



## jld

ConanHub said:


> No insults intended I'm sure. Just candid conversation.
> 
> Maybe her experience was with one of the many, and there are many, insecure men out there.
> 
> You are a good example of the other group of people that are not insecure but avoid high partner count mates.


Nothing wrong with a low count, for either sex! Mine is pretty low, just not the baggage-free number *one* that I wish it were.

Like I said, I especially admire a man's holding out for that one special gal, and resisting the temptation to exploit any vulnerable ones.


----------



## jld

Wolf1974 said:


> I have never understood the rationale or had the desire to have multiple partners. I would have loved to only have ever been with my x and stayed married for life. Just was not the hand I was delt and I have done the best I could. But I certinaly never attributed my manliness to the number of women I slept with. Not a huge fan of casual sex. Doesn't work for me personally.


I think sometimes attraction just happens and people find themselves doing things that were not in their original plan. 

And we are probably all doing the best we can, no matter how it may look to others.

Totally agree manliness or womainess has nothing to do with partner count. Though I think sincerity might.


----------



## sokillme

jld said:


> He meant men who do not want a high partner count in a woman.
> 
> Dug did not care what my count was. He just loved me and wanted to be with me going forward.


I didn't want a high number count in a mate, it had nothing to do with being secure it had to do with wanting them to feel the same way about sex that I did. I wanted the uniqueness to be just as important to her as it was to me. I would seem quite a waste to sacrifice, and sometimes when I was really attracted to someone there were temptations, and then end up with someone who didn't care. I was very open about that. It wasn't a judgemental thing it was just a lifestyle thing.


----------



## jld

sokillme said:


> I didn't want a high number count in a mate, it had nothing to do with being secure it had to do with wanting them to feel the same way about sex that I did. I wanted the uniqueness to be just as important to her as it was to me. I would seem quite a waste to sacrifice, and sometimes when I was really attracted to someone there were temptations, and then end up with someone who didn't care. I was very open about that. It wasn't a judgemental thing it was just a lifestyle thing.


Well, my husband just loved me and wanted to be with me. He never asked questions about the past. What was important to him was our future together.


----------



## Married but Happy

lovelygirl said:


> Given that @TaDor was tempted to stray away from topic, here's a quote from one of his recent comments on FWB.
> 
> How do you handle FWB relationship?
> Are you currently in one now?
> Was there any temptation from you or your partner to give it a try and settle for a relationship?
> What is ok to do when you're FWB and what's not okay to do?
> 
> *******************


How do you handle FWB relationship? Openly, honestly, ethically. If it started with dating with hopes of a relationship, then I say if that changes. We decide where to go with that - friends, FWB, or a clean break. If we agree to FWB, we also agree to bring up any changes that would affect us.

Are you currently in one now? No, I ended one about 6 months ago after about a year. Before that, I was in one for about 5 years, and before that I was in one for about 7 years.

Was there any temptation from you or your partner to give it a try and settle for a relationship? With the 5 year one, the three of us seriously considered if it would work as a poly relationship, but decided it would not. With the 7 year one before that (almost 17 years total now), there was no interest from either of us to have a relationship because of an incompatibility, but it's always been sort of a poly relationship because of deep feelings - still is - but hasn't been sexual in about 10 years. In both those cases, though, we remain friends and get together occasionally as friends without benefits.

What is ok to do when you're FWB and what's not okay to do? It's okay to do anything you both want, as long as status remains clear and no one is led to think otherwise. You don't represent yourselves as a couple, unless you discuss it and decide to try that. If you date others, you disclose it and decide how to handle that. It's not difficult if you're always honest with each other and treat each other with kindness and respect.


----------



## frusdil

lifeistooshort said:


> I am a relatively sexual person, I've just found that i need a deep bond to show it.


^^This. I'm a very sexual woman, I love sex, but I need a deep and trusting bond to really show that side of myself.


----------



## Wolf1974

jld said:


> I think sometimes attraction just happens and people find themselves doing things that were not in their original plan.
> 
> And we are probably all doing the best we can, no matter how it may look to others.
> 
> Totally agree manliness or womainess has nothing to do with partner count. Though I think sincerity might.


I don't think I would agree that all are doing the best they can. I have just met way too many taking shortcuts to say that. At end of the day I don't regret the women I slept with. Only regret in life I have is who I chose for a wife. I do believe that had I chose better I would have been one of those one and done and never looked back. 

One promise in life is you never know what you're going to get or what's going to happen to you along the way.


----------



## ReformedHubby

Regarding FWB relationships I think a lot of how people handle it depends on where you are in life. What I mean is there are times when even if you want a relationship you just don't have the time to date because you are focused on other things like career, education, being a single parent to young kids, recently divorced, etc.. Giving an example of a scenario from my own life, I had an FWB that was in a grueling PhD program. She simply didn't have the time to date and/or meet new people. She knew exactly what she wanted and handled things just fine. One thing that @TaDor said is true. These are definitely no frills relationships. You don't do romantic dinners or long walks in the park. That doesn't mean that you don't care about each other at all though. You do have a good time together and really are friends, its just that meeting up is more geared towards the sexual aspect of things. You'd rather be in the bedroom with your FWB than out and about. This is horrible analogy, but its like having a tennis or golfing buddy, except you meet for sex instead. Its definitely not for everybody though.


----------



## wild jade

lovelygirl said:


> Why do you guys regret having had more than one partner?
> Having been in other relationships/sexual encounters before made you be who you are today.
> Probably you wouldn't be so good to your partners, so devoted and so understanding if you didn't have those past relationships.
> Don't regret it!
> 
> I, on the other hand, wish I had 10+ partners when it's not even close to that...not even close to half of that.
> My psychological state and my flaw to over-think things.. impedes me from pursuing as many men as I want.


I'm pretty sure I would regret it if I only had one sexual partner. That I would be wondering what else was out there. That I would've probably married someone not at all suited to me just because I wanted to connect with someone ....that the whole relationship would probably be a disaster that would end anyway, leaving me single and looking for someone else ....

I've no regrets over the men that I've slept with. Okay, maybe one or two regrets -- but the "one and only" thing is definitely not for me.


----------



## NextTimeAround

wild jade said:


> I'm pretty sure I would regret it if I only had one sexual partner. That I would be wondering what else was out there. That I would've probably married someone not at all suited to me just because I wanted to connect with someone ....that the whole relationship would probably be a disaster that would end anyway, leaving me single and looking for someone else ....
> 
> I've no regrets over the men that I've slept with. Okay, maybe one or two regrets -- but the "one and only" thing is definitely not for me.


I feel that way as well. I got the experimentation over with.

Sometimes I come across posts on message boards in which someone is wondering if they missed something having married and settled down with the first and only person that they had sex with (women and men).

The Duggar model of courtship does not suit me.


----------



## Dr. Stupid

I have no issue with FWBs, just so long as I'm not one of them. If I need a FWB, I stick some batteries in it. 

I have no moral objection to the concept. Do what you want just so long as you don't harm others, is my attitude. I just prefer to make such intimacy a little more than the satisfying of a primal urge with whatever "Friend" happens to be available. If a guy can't handle laying the groundwork, and the concept of exclusivity, then there's plenty of others standing in line waiting to take their turn. 

Besides, the wreckage left strewn about from this second (arguably third) sexual revolution provides me with quite a few clients, and a great standard of living.


----------



## Bananapeel

I don't have an issue with a FWB. However, without the connection the sex really isn't as satisfying even if they are dynamite in bed. I personally prefer a relationship, even if it's a lower commitment type of relationship (i.e. dating vs boyfriend/girlfriend) vs a FWB. 

As far as the number issue goes, that's never been a concern of mine on either the male or female side. I don't even know what a high vs low number is. I just know that at my number I've tried everything I've wanted to sexually, know what I like and dislike, and don't feel like I have missed out on any experience.


----------



## lovelygirl

ConanHub said:


> Coming from a man with a lot of experience, understand I am not bragging and regret my history, having many women did not help me in any way with my relationship with Mrs. C.
> 
> I later used the experiences as points of data that can be useful in understanding attraction and some points about spontaneous sex.
> 
> Emotionally, I have bad memories of my promiscuity. I was not in a good place which was a catalyst for my behavior.
> 
> In my heart, I have only wanted to become one with one woman.
> 
> I can have a sense of humor about sexual history and even laugh about it now but during the time I was having sex with multiple women, my mental and emotional health was not good.
> 
> I am a very sexual and passionate man. That was not developed by multiple women having sex with me.
> 
> It was who I always was. I had to learn Mrs. Conan inside and out to become a good lover to her and all the other women were not only no help but a hindrance.
> 
> My first time with her, I was no better than a scared virgin who didn't know where to put his hands or other appendages.
> 
> I shook like a leaf in an October wind and she had to be patient with me.
> 
> The super stud that had bedded more than 60 women between the age of 14 and 20 was not present that night! LOL!
> 
> Now my confidence and strength in the bedroom grew by leaps and bounds that first week. I bedded her over 30 times, probably closer to 50, and had her making happy animal sounds rather quickly but that was who I always was regardless of any number of women I was with.
> 
> She was actually the most difficult to work out.
> 
> All my other conquests were either having seizure level orgasms within 15 minutes of getting naked with me or definitely by the end of an all night sexathon.
> 
> Mrs. C took about 3 days and many sex sessions to start "howling at the moon".
> 
> If I had been a virgin the first time we were together, it would not have made much of a difference except I wouldn't have had near as much baggage.


CH, I get your point but sometimes it's better to sow your wild oats so that you won't have regrets of not having tried things before in your life. 
Sometimes, you regret things you DIDN'T do rather than those you did. 

And to answer to your question, how many partners I'd like to have...well..I wouldn't mind dating 3 at a time or even experiencing sex with either one or two of them. Though, my fantasies and inner desires could be different from the reality.

There's this guy at my gym who was giving me hints about becoming FWB with me...
In my fantasies it would definitely be a yes...but in reality I don't think I could do it emotionless. 

So you see? I have two sides of me. One who'd like to do some crazy stuff and the other who'd like to be more stable. It's like a battle with myself. But still, I wish I had many many more partners so I wouldn't be left wondering..."What's like to have him...to do this or that...?" 

You get my point?


----------



## lovelygirl

lifeistooshort said:


> I slept with a friend once.....it was at an emotional low point in my life and I felt horrible afterwards.
> 
> I'm just not a casual sex type of person. If you are that's certainly your business, but it probably means our value systems aren't compatible.
> 
> I am a relatively sexual person, I've just found that i need a deep bond to show it.


I think this is who I am. I've very sexual and don't mind experimenting but I need us to have emotions so that I can fully enjoy it and reveal the best part of me.


----------



## TaDor

Its just a matter of scale.

I prefer the LOVE connection with my wife while sex. But I didn't avoid getting my needs met otherwise before her. Its better than nothing.
Okay... you like cookies or cakes, right?

I like cakes too. There is a cake which is #1 favorite. Does that mean I must avoid the other cakes that I still like, but not my favorites?


----------



## ConanHub

lovelygirl said:


> CH, I get your point but sometimes it's better to sow your wild oats so that you won't have regrets of not having tried things before in your life.
> Sometimes, you regret things you DIDN'T do rather than those you did.
> 
> And to answer to your question, how many partners I'd like to have...well..I wouldn't mind dating 3 at a time or even experiencing sex with either one or two of them. Though, my fantasies and inner desires could be different from the reality.
> 
> There's this guy at my gym who was giving me hints about becoming FWB with me...
> In my fantasies it would definitely be a yes...but in reality I don't think I could do it emotionless.
> 
> So you see? I have two sides of me. One who'd like to do some crazy stuff and the other who'd like to be more stable. It's like a battle with myself. But still, I wish I had many many more partners so I wouldn't be left wondering..."What's like to have him...to do this or that...?"
> 
> You get my point?


Yes. I definitely do understand. Whatever path you choose, just be wise and safe. I couldn't have sex without emotional impact as well and I did choose to bed many women. It hurt me quite a bit in the end and I realized something I knew all along. It wasn't who I was.

Just make sure not to be used, be a partner with anyone you make decisions with about sex, and be sure if you try the gym guy, that you are exclusive and safe.

Multiple FWBs gets tricky to juggle and increases risk of disease.

Always value yourself! If you wake up feeling sick about the previous night or start feeling generally low about yourself, cut it out until you get your bearings and can think clearly while still holding your head up with a smile on your face.

Be careful of partners. Some men have a really big mouth!

Best wishes honey! I'm hoping for something more substantial for you but just keep yourself healthy!


----------



## lovelygirl

ConanHub said:


> Just make sure not to be used, be a partner with anyone you make decisions with about sex, and be sure if you try the gym guy, that you are exclusive and safe.


I've already dismissed the idea of being FWB with him. I have a slight feeling that I'm the one who might get hurt so I'll leave it altogether and not go down through that path...especially not with him.



> Multiple FWBs gets tricky to juggle and increases risk of disease.


That is so true. 


> Always value yourself! If you wake up feeling sick about the previous night or start feeling generally low about yourself, cut it out until you get your bearings and can think clearly while still holding your head up with a smile on your face.


If I decide to do something, I want to make sure that I want it too, not just him. So, I have learned not to do things just to please the other person if I don't like that thing to begin with. It's what you said, I don't want to get used. 



> Be careful of partners. Some men have a really big mouth!


As for the big mouths, again, very true. Some me have FWB just to show off to their friends. Unfortunately, it's hard to tell what man brags about it and who doesn't. One thing I know for sure is that those who brag to me about their past, will also brag to other about what he did with me. 



> Best wishes honey! I'm hoping for something more substantial for you but just keep yourself healthy!


Thank you!!! I do home something meaningful for me as well. I can't see myself going with the flow, unless I'm in moments of despair or boredom (which happens rarely)  

*hugs*


----------



## sokillme

So if you do the FWB thing and the person stays in your circle is it OK to keep that hidden from your spouse? How many post have we seen on here where the spouse finds out later and feels lied to by omission. Personally I think that sucks. I also don't get people who don't want to live authentic lives. 

I know I wouldn't not be cool with that. I am not sure if I would care if I knew ahead of time though, again I would care more if it was kept hidden. But then I don't think I would end up with someone who had a FWB relationship. But say I did it would be an intimacy that my wife had with someone in my circle that was kept for me throughout the duration of my marriage that would be the betrayal. That would not be cool at all. I would have a hard time with my wife being good friends with someone she was in love with at one point. I have just seen too many issues with that. 

However I feel no jealousy towards the guys she had sex with in the past. If I met such a person it may be weird but I would probably just make a joke about it. Nether my wife and I were virgins when we got married just low count. I don't feel bad about that, it is what it is. For me having the same idea of sex and what it represents was what was important to me in a mate, not that she was a virgin.


----------



## Married but Happy

sokillme said:


> So if you do the FWB thing and the person stays in your circle is it OK to keep that hidden from your spouse?


No, definitely not - you make sure your spouse knows. FWB are like any other ex.


----------



## Peacekeeper

sokillme said:


> So if you do the FWB thing and the person stays in your circle is it OK to keep that hidden from your spouse? How many post have we seen on here where the spouse finds out later and feels lied to by omission. Personally I think that sucks. I also don't get people who don't want to live authentic lives.
> 
> I know I wouldn't not be cool with that. I am not sure if I would care if I knew ahead of time though, again I would care more if it was kept hidden. But then I don't think I would end up with someone who had a FWB relationship. But say I did it would be an intimacy that my wife had with someone in my circle that was kept for me throughout the duration of my marriage that would be the betrayal. That would not be cool at all. I would have a hard time with my wife being good friends with someone she was in love with at one point. I have just seen too many issues with that.
> 
> However I feel no jealousy towards the guys she had sex with in the past. If I met such a person it may be weird but I would probably just make a joke about it. Nether my wife and I were virgins when we got married just low count. I don't feel bad about that, it is what it is. For me having the same idea of sex and what it represents was what was important to me in a mate, not that she was a virgin.


I've been following this thread and really found it interesting...I have had about 3 FWB relationships and I really enjoyed them. They served their purpose for me, which was to fulfill that physical need that I wanted which was sex. I was young and horny. Interestingly, my last FWB relationship is my DW. We were acquaintances for a couple of years prior to, and we had lots of mutual friends. That is another story.

Anyway, you bring up an interesting angle. Fast forward to present times...So I am married with a family, living in the 'burbs. Same town for the past 35 yrs...DW & I moved to a new subdivision about 6 yrs ago and started making new friends. Around this time, our oldest had a bday party at a friends house and I agreed to take DD to the party by myself. I was a stranger in a strange land. I knew some of the people but they were merely acquaintances. Turns out, the DH was someone I knew based on prior conversations with DW...yup. He happened to be one of DW's **** buddies from way back when. HS; we all went to school together. So being that it was so long ago I am ok with it, I just can't dwell on it or I will go down the rabbit hole. But it annoys me sometimes. He is such a type A guy too, & he was very popular back in the day. Chicks dug him. He is also a year older than me. Times like these I always think, "Why me?!?", lol. We see these guys often.


----------



## Satya

jld said:


> I really wish I had never been involved with anyone before Dug. I am one of those people who should have had a lifetime partner count of one.
> 
> But live and learn.


Who knows, @jld?

It could have been those precise experiences that led to meeting Dug in the first place. Maybe if you hadn't experienced them you would have never met Dug or felt the way you did about him if you had met him. 

Odo and I had a similar conversation and we are sure that we would not have bonded as strongly as we did without our past experiences. 

Sorry to t/j a bit.


----------



## jld

Satya said:


> Who knows, @jld?
> 
> It could have been those precise experiences that led to meeting Dug in the first place. Maybe if you hadn't experienced them you would have never met Dug or felt the way you did about him if you had met him.
> 
> Odo and I had a similar conversation and we are sure that we would not have bonded as strongly as we did without our past experiences.
> 
> Sorry to t/j a bit.


This is true, Satya. I certainly appreciate Dug more because of some of the experiences I had before him.

But I carry heavy baggage because of those experiences. In retrospect, at least, it does not seem worth it.

And yet, to have made different choices, I think my whole life before those choices would have had to be different. 

Thanks for your post.


----------



## Andy1001

jld said:


> This is true, Satya. I certainly appreciate Dug more because of some of the experiences I had before him.
> 
> But I carry heavy baggage because of those experiences. In retrospect, at least, it does not seem worth it.
> 
> And yet, to have made different choices, I think my whole life before those choices would have had to be different.
> 
> Thanks for your post.


I don't agree with the idea that all your past sexual experiences make you the person you are today.Maybe one or two experiences may bring back bitter memories which is what I think you are trying to say.The fact that you met Dug when you did had more to do with chance and being in a certain place in life than anything else.A lot of people meet their life partners in college but either of you could have chosen a different school to attend.In my own case fives minutes either way and I would never have met my gf.I courted her for a long time before she agreed to be my gf and for me that was unheard of.She knew nothing about me nor me of her but for me it was love at first sight.


----------



## sokillme

Peacekeeper said:


> I've been following this thread and really found it interesting...I have had about 3 FWB relationships and I really enjoyed them. They served their purpose for me, which was to fulfill that physical need that I wanted which was sex. I was young and horny. Interestingly, my last FWB relationship is my DW. We were acquaintances for a couple of years prior to, and we had lots of mutual friends. That is another story.
> 
> Anyway, you bring up an interesting angle. Fast forward to present times...So I am married with a family, living in the 'burbs. Same town for the past 35 yrs...DW & I moved to a new subdivision about 6 yrs ago and started making new friends. Around this time, our oldest had a bday party at a friends house and I agreed to take DD to the party by myself. I was a stranger in a strange land. I knew some of the people but they were merely acquaintances. Turns out, the DH was someone I knew based on prior conversations with DW...yup. He happened to be one of DW's **** buddies from way back when. HS; we all went to school together. So being that it was so long ago I am ok with it, I just can't dwell on it or I will go down the rabbit hole. But it annoys me sometimes. He is such a type A guy too, & he was very popular back in the day. Chicks dug him. He is also a year older than me. Times like these I always think, "Why me?!?", lol. We see these guys often.


Does his wife know? You should slip that in somehow so he to deal with awkwardness too. ha ha.


----------



## TaDor

I don't regret any thing that happened in my past with FWB or ons. Sure, there were some crappy moments. Drama here and there. That's life.

The women that didn't turn into a serious GF, meant I also didn't have kids... Lucky me. A woman I dated that didn't work out, lead me to my wife a week later. So IMHO, every one you meet or date is part of the journey to someone you want to be with... Have kids, etc.

The thing about past FWB and having ego issues. Grow up. You didn't know your wife back then... And you yourselves are not virgins. I've met some of my wife's ex's / FWB and she has met mine. Whoopee do.

A lot of people are friends with their past sexual partners... That ended... Or didn't work out... So what. Now he can't hang out in your social circle? What are you all going to gang up on him and eject him?

If you want sex with some one and not want anyone to ever met him or her... Then you get a **** buddy / bootycall.


----------



## Married but Happy

I have no regrets about my FWB either. In retrospect, my first two FWB relationships were far, far better than my first marriage - warmer, more caring and loving, and of course far more sexual. The difference was that we knew we wouldn't be great marriage partners - something I wish I'd known before marrying my ex. At least my ex taught me how to avoid anyone else like her, and the need to seek a great match based on self-knowledge.


----------



## Peacekeeper

TaDor said:


> I don't regret any thing that happened in my past with FWB or ons. Sure, there were some crappy moments. Drama here and there. That's life.
> 
> The women that didn't turn into a serious GF, meant I also didn't have kids... Lucky me. A woman I dated that didn't work out, lead me to my wife a week later. So IMHO, every one you meet or date is part of the journey to someone you want to be with... Have kids, etc.
> 
> The thing about past FWB and having ego issues. Grow up. You didn't know your wife back then... And you yourselves are not virgins. I've met some of my wife's ex's / FWB and she has met mine. Whoopee do.
> 
> A lot of people are friends with their past sexual partners... That ended... Or didn't work out... So what. Now he can't hang out in your social circle? What are you all going to gang up on him and eject him?
> 
> If you want sex with some one and not want anyone to ever met him or her... Then you get a **** buddy / bootycall.




Where on earth did you get that he couldn't hang out in our circle, or that we would gang up on him and eject him??? Wow, you mad bro? I said nor implied nothing of the sort. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## Peacekeeper

sokillme said:


> Does his wife know? You should slip that in somehow so he to deal with awkwardness too. ha ha.




Lol. That would be hilarious. My wife said that she didn't think her friend knew. The only reason I knew is because my wife and I have always talked about our past over the years. Just here and there. We never grilled each other like "what did you know and when did you know it!?" 


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## Ynot

Andy1001 said:


> I don't agree with the idea that all your past sexual experiences make you the person you are today.Maybe one or two experiences may bring back bitter memories which is what I think you are trying to say.The fact that you met Dug when you did had more to do with chance and being in a certain place in life than anything else.A lot of people meet their life partners in college but either of you could have chosen a different school to attend.In my own case fives minutes either way and I would never have met my gf.I courted her for a long time before she agreed to be my gf and for me that was unheard of.She knew nothing about me nor me of her but for me it was love at first sight.


EVERY experience you have had makes you the person you are today. EVERY one of them.


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## TaDor

Peacekeeper said:


> Where on earth did you get that he couldn't hang out in our circle, or that we would gang up on him and eject him??? Wow, you mad bro? I said nor implied nothing of the sort.


Where on earth did you get the idea that I was talking specifically about you? Why think I'm mad... geez? Other posters here on this and other threads have talked about how their SO can't be friends with a former FWB, that they would have ISSUES with that. "Bob knows what my wife looks like naked" or whatever.

Of all my past sexual partners who I have had sex with before my wife... at this very moment, I cannot picture or remember what they looked like naked. None of them. Only vague impressions. ie: she looked really good naked to no lasting impressions. My "first' teen girlfriend or the previous woman I loved before my wife = pretty much nothing. Attractive, etc - sure.


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## TheTruthHurts

TaDor said:


> Where on earth did you get the idea that I was talking specifically about you? Why think I'm mad... geez? Other posters here on this and other threads have talked about how their SO can't be friends with a former FWB, that they would have ISSUES with that. "Bob knows what my wife looks like naked" or whatever.
> 
> 
> 
> Of all my past sexual partners who I have had sex with before my wife... at this very moment, I cannot picture or remember what they looked like naked. None of them. Only vague impressions. ie: she looked really good naked to no lasting impressions. My "first' teen girlfriend or the previous woman I loved before my wife = pretty much nothing. Attractive, etc - sure.




Well that's you. My W could literally remember the socks I was wearing the day we met. She (and others I've known) has a very visual memory. So being married to someone like that, and recounting prior relationships (as another poster mentioned, in casual conversations over the years) means you know she has a complete visual record.

One need not be insecure to realize that sort of memory is different from the memories you have (and I have - since I can not visualize anything due to the way my brain works).

That said, my w and I were both virgins so I don't have to deal with that memory disparity in this context 


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## TaDor

That's typical people. Sure we remember many details of special days or events. But overall, the brain throws out garbage memory.
What did you have for breakfast on March 27 2017? Do you remember what kind of toast you had that day or even 3 days ago? How did it look and placement on the plate?

Most people do not have a photographic memory, and even that is not reliable - helpful, but the brain is not a computer hard drive that stores exact copies of input... not even in real time.

Lets test ya a bit more. Did you look at girlie magazines at any time in your life, especially before you meet your wife? Let's say - yes, maybe 5 different magazines. What are the exact details of the 2nd girl in the 3rd magazine? Color, shapes, and position of her body?


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## lovelygirl

Our brains remember things/people that impress us or something that it's important to us. 

I can understand why @TaDor doesn't remember all FWB (I remember he's had 100 parnters, many of whom FWB) so what's to remember in all this mess? 
Most women for him came and went. 

@TheTruthHurts - Your story is different. Your wife was looking for a future husband (I guess) so obviously she'd have to pay close attention even to the smallest details (yeah it sounds crazy) ..especially when dealing with someone who has a strong visual memory.


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## sokillme

TaDor said:


> Where on earth did you get the idea that I was talking specifically about you? Why think I'm mad... geez? Other posters here on this and other threads have talked about how their SO can't be friends with a former FWB, that they would have ISSUES with that. "Bob knows what my wife looks like naked" or whatever.
> 
> Of all my past sexual partners who I have had sex with before my wife... at this very moment, I cannot picture or remember what they looked like naked. None of them. Only vague impressions. ie: she looked really good naked to no lasting impressions. My "first' teen girlfriend or the previous woman I loved before my wife = pretty much nothing. Attractive, etc - sure.


Here is the thing, it's not for you or me to say, it's not our marriage. The problem is when the stuff is kept hidden. I think most would say that is not the right way to deal with it. Again keeping secrets in marriage especially when it is between an active relationship that is not the spouse it not a respectful way to treat your spouse.


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## sokillme

Peacekeeper said:


> Lol. That would be hilarious. My wife said that she didn't think her friend knew. The only reason I knew is because my wife and I have always talked about our past over the years. Just here and there. We never grilled each other like "what did you know and when did you know it!?"
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


So it's your wife and your wife's friend's husband who is keeping secrets. I wonder how her friend will feel if it ever comes to light.


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## TheTruthHurts

lovelygirl said:


> Our brains remember things/people that impress us or something that it's important to us.
> 
> 
> 
> I can understand why @TaDor doesn't remember all FWB (I remember he's had 100 parnters, many of whom FWB) so what's to remember in all this mess?
> 
> Most women for him came and went.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> @TheTruthHurts - Your story is different. Your wife was looking for a future husband (I guess) so obviously she'd have to pay close attention even to the smallest details (yeah it sounds crazy) ..especially when dealing with someone who has a strong visual memory.




Well, um.... she assumed I was just a hot fling truth be told. I was a little bit wild for her very conservative upbringing. It's all relative I suppose.

It's just the way she's built - very observant and very visual.


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## Peacekeeper

sokillme said:


> So it's your wife and your wife's friend's husband who is keeping secrets. I wonder how her friend will feel if it ever comes to light.




That's thing, I really don't know for sure if the other wife doesn't know. That's just a guess. She may very well know. That particular circle of friends doesn't really discuss past FWBs at length when we are together. And if it is a "secret" then that is the other husband's problem. It's their relationship so who knows how they handle things. 

OTOH she is Puerto Rican and type A so she just might go after his ass with a frying pan if this is news to her. I am Latino as well so it is just a joke. Sort of. 


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## TaDor

In general, yeah... Tell your new SO that you friend was a sexual relationship... Or dated. But sometimes it shouldn't be a big deal. What if they dated 15 yrs ago and he is happily married. If the relationship is over and done with and nobody else cares why should the new person? If he is that anal, then he needs to find an adult virgin.

Different variables for different people. Does one or both people want to know these versus don't or don't care.

A guy I knew had sex with me wife 6 months before I met her. He is a buddy type I run into from time to time. It was a couple of ONS. Why should I be upset? Or anyone else? I'm an adult and she's an adult.

People want to follow some of the morality rules... Then they should not have sex with another person after their first. Married or not.


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## TaDor

lovelygirl said:


> Our brains remember things/people that impress us.
> 
> I can understand why @TaDor doesn't remember all FWB (I remember he's had 100 parnters, many of whom FWB) so what's to remember in all this mess?
> Most women for him came and went.
> .


That seems insulting. Nope. Most were ONS. Some were GF some were FWB. Some I dated and never had sex with. Moat of them had feelings that even as a ONS should be respected as a fellow human being. 

The human brain does not retain all information that you have experienced.
Here's the thing people are avg or lacking in the sex Dept. Not many have passion. Anyone can suck or open their legs, but there is a lot more to sex than just that... But many think or feel that it is. I'd say say out of 100, 10 at most were worth remembering .

I got tired of teaching those who can't or too troublesome to learn. "Just stick it in" is not attractive to me, yet for many guys it's enough.


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## lovelygirl

TaDor said:


> That seems insulting. Nope. Most were ONS. Some were GF some were FWB. Some I dated and never had sex with. Moat of them had feelings that even as a ONS should be respected as a fellow human being.
> 
> The human brain does not retain all information that you have experienced.
> Here's the thing people are avg or lacking in the sex Dept. Not many have passion. Anyone can suck or open their legs, but there is a lot more to sex than just that... But many think or feel that it is. I'd say say out of 100, 10 at most were worth remembering .
> 
> I got tired of teaching those who can't or too troublesome to learn. "Just stick it in" is not attractive to me, yet for many guys it's enough.


I didn't mean to insult you TAD. I said it casually as something normal, with no bad intentions. Sorry if It came out wrong or harsh. 

What I meant was that out of 100+ partners you had, some were FWB and obviously it's hard to remember them all or other details about them.


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## TaDor

The fact that they were sex partners has nothing to do with remembering them. The brain throws out trash memory all the time. "Inside Out" is a fun way to look at it (Pixar movie).

Other than a few photos from my life at age 10, I have NO memory of my friends - their names, their faces, what they wore, etc. I remember 3 teachers at age 6~12, 6 teachers from grades 9~12. Out of them only one of them's name. Why: Age 11, teacher (redacted name) gave me a hug goodbye and I had my head up against her large breasts. It was innocent - by my face was saying "breasts!". A teacher from age 15, because she was a hottie 23yr fresh from college. One poor young teacher when I was 9 - nobody liked her. She had bad breath, friendly but naive - a push over. I was not happy that three 9~10yr old boys ganged up on her. She never returned to our school. A good math teacher that we loved, had a baby but never returned when she said she would. Her replacement sucked and brought us all down. Those are the kinds of people we see many times over and over again and most of us will only remember the best or worst ones.

A GF that lasted 2 years - I have snippets of her nudity. I have pics and vids of her nude... I've not looked at them in 9+ years. Don't care, unimportant.
For most people, memory fades of things that are not thought about. 

I've had people strike up conversations with me as if I know them... being popular and socializing, I meet more than I can remember. I've apologized for not remembering them... or fake it.


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