# LD wife - How do you not take it personal?



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

My wife is perfectly happy with having sex 1 time per month, if even that. She told me to go find a nympho when I told her i would be happy with 1-2 times per week. She thinks her LD is perfectly normal and that I'm just a sex addict for wanting it 1-2 times per week.

How do you not take a LD spouse personal? Questions pop into my head like is it her having a LD due to nature or am I the reason for her LD? Is she having an affair? Has she no attraction for me? Am I to fat, ugly, etc for her? 

All this rejection and doubt really drags me down and makes me become a man/husband that I dont want to be. I get irritable, selfish, and withdrawn. Her issues may not be because of me at all, but how in the hell do you not take it personal? Especially when she thinks she is perfectly normal and doesnt think this is a problem that needs to be worked on?


P.S. - for the record, i know she is not having an affair. It would be nearly impossible for her to pull off without raising suspicions for various reasons so I scratched that off the list of why she is LD with me.


----------



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

My husband has a lower drive than me, and i know it's hard not to take it personal. 

I don't think I'll ever be completely okay with it. I also get irritable, selfish and withdrawn and I'm not even close to 1 time a month. I couldn't live with that. 

I wish someone had the answer for us, but I don't think there is one. You'll just have to decide what's best for you, and what your willing to live with. 

I wish you the best of luck.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> My husband has a lower drive than me, and i know it's hard not to take it personal.
> 
> I don't think I'll ever be completely okay with it. I also get irritable, selfish and withdrawn and I'm not even close to 1 time a month. I couldn't live with that.
> 
> ...


It's hard not to take it personal. Early on, you may be strong enough to weather it. Over time you will wonder "why me", "why am I the only one not having sex?".

Like I tell people. You go to any walmart, look around and 75% of those people are having somewhat regular sexual relations. You are special enough to not have it.

It does not feel good and can strip you to the core. 

In such a situation you have to find strength somewhere else in your character. 

I realize what you don't use the body will minimize and masterbation is not sex at all. So the body will realize it's not having sexual relations and the man parts will even atrophy some, and for the female she may lose lubrication and vaginal response.

We all know about the sex drive levels getting dragged down.

It's hard to look around and realize you are not worthy of intimacy.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I believe some people are naturally LD or HD. Either may temporarily go in the other direction - LD to HD (or more normal) when in the early stages of a relationship, and HD to LD once a relationship gets mundane or old.

It seems such a shame to marry someone so incompatible, when there are so many people who share a similar drive. Unfortunately, most people don't think about this enough, and it's difficult or impossible to change later on when it's "too late". My first marriage had this problem. This - and some other serious issues - led to my divorcing her and finding someone truly compatible in all ways including libido.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I don't see how you can't take it personally. I know I do. Intellectually, you can tell yourself that it's not personal, but it doesn't stop you from feeling it.

Also, "go find yourself a nympho" sounds incredibly disrespectful to me. I'd have as big an issue with that statement and what it implies about how she feels about the marriage as I would about the frequency of sex.


----------



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Like I tell people. You go to any walmart, look around and 75% of those people are having somewhat regular sexual relations. You are special enough to not have it.


Whoa. When I was at Walmart yesterday and I seen a couple holding hands. I thought to myself "I bet their sex life is good."

That is strange that you made the walmart mention. I totally think that every time I go out.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You should take it personally. She's essentially telling you your needs don't matter to her and if you don't like it, you can get bent. She thinks being a sexless zombie is normal and acceptable? She is getting something from the marriage or she'd be gone. Link what she wants with what you want. Quit asking, quit begging, quit looking and acting disappointed. She knows what you want. Appear happy, confident, and increasingly scarce. If she's in the marriage primarily for financial security, I'd start making that increasingly scarce, too. Don't even tell her why. She wants to be your buddy? No problem. You're buddies. Give her a peck on the cheek, dress up nicely and go somewhere. If she asks where you're going, ask if she had plans for you? If she asks where the money is, ask her, "didn't I leave enough for bills?" Minimum effort gets minimum response. I wouldn't date, flirt with, or chat up other women, but even if I had to fake it, I'd appear to be the happiest joker on earth. She'd know my new-found contentment and optimism had nothing at all to do with her. I wouldn't go to a bar. I'd go to a gym or take a college class. If you've got kids, spend time away from home with them. She wants to be left alone, I'd give her all the alone time she could stand.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> You should take it personally. She's essentially telling you your needs don't matter to her and if you don't like it, you can get bent. She thinks being a sexless zombie is normal and acceptable? She is getting something from the marriage or she'd be gone. Link what she wants with what you want. Quit asking, quit begging, quit looking and acting disappointed. She knows what you want. Appear happy, confident, and increasingly scarce. If she's in the marriage primarily for financial security, I'd start making that increasingly scarce, too. Don't even tell her why. She wants to be your buddy? No problem. You're buddies. Give her a peck on the cheek, dress up nicely and go somewhere. If she asks where you're going, ask if she had plans for you? If she asks where the money is, ask her, "didn't I leave enough for bills?" Minimum effort gets minimum response. I wouldn't date, flirt with, or chat up other women, but even if I had to fake it, I'd appear to be the happiest joker on earth. She'd know my new-found contentment and optimism had nothing at all to do with her. I wouldn't go to a bar. I'd go to a gym or take a college class. If you've got kids, spend time away from home with them. She wants to be left alone, I'd give her all the alone time she could stand.


May as well get as self-involved as one of those "career" husbands who are thinking almost of nothing else but themself.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

One of two things happen. Either she wakes up and starts being his wife or he ends up with stash of cash, healthier, with new marketable job skills and a better outlook with which to find a real woman. Either way, he is back in control of his own life. She only has the power to make him miserable if he surrenders that power to her. It's the difference between "doing" or "reacting" to the whims of a dysfunctional and, honestly, rather cruel woman. The people we fret over the most generally tend to be the people who add the least to our lives. He needs to quit rewarding crappy behavior and slaving away for a woman who couldn't give two cents for him. The world is a target saturated environment for an employed American male with a half-ass decent character. Those who can't appreciate one don't deserve one.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> One of two things happen. Either she wakes up and starts being his wife or he ends up with stash of cash, healthier, with new marketable job skills and a better outlook with which to find a real woman. Either way, he is back in control of his own life. She only has the power to make him miserable if he surrenders that power to her. It's the difference between "doing" or "reacting" to the whims of a dysfunctional and, honestly, rather cruel woman. The people we fret over the most generally tend to be the people who add the least to our lives. He needs to quit rewarding crappy behavior and slaving away for a woman who couldn't give two cents for him. The world is a target saturated environment for an employed American male with a half-ass decent character. Those who can't appreciate one don't deserve one.


Mmm, mmm, mmm.

And we aren't being of descent character supporting the dysfunction.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Time for Dr. John's "evil or stupid" discussion. If said LD is aware of her LD - ness and chooses to ignore your (reasonable) needs because of resentment, past issues, and so on the meter is more on the "evil" side of the gauge and may quite hard to address or resolve without serious external intervention. If she's more the unaware or ignorant or la la land type LD whose upbringing or culture may have influenced her LD - ness the meter is more on the "stupid" side of the gauge and that may be easier to fix using many methods described here ie MMSL or NMMNG. 

Note the quotes around the terms indicating it is merely a naming convention and not perceived or attributed characteristics of the individual in question. Most LD's have a little of both but the closer to "evil" the harder to fix...


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She knows what he wants. She even told him how to fix his problem...find someone else. This isn't an ignorance problem. This is an entitlement problem. For whatever reason, she believes she is entitled to the benefits of marriage but nothing is required of her. If she feels resentment, it isn't strong enough to get her out of the house or to keep her from spending the sweat of his brow to to motivate her to fix things. She is abusing him because she believes she can without incurring any ill effects.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> She knows what he wants. She even told him how to fix his problem...find someone else. This isn't an ignorance problem. This is an entitlement problem. For whatever reason, she believes she is entitled to the benefits of marriage but nothing is required of her. If she feels resentment, it isn't strong enough to get her out of the house or to keep her from spending the sweat of his brow to to motivate her to fix things. She is abusing him because she believes she can without incurring any ill effects.


That's it in simplest terms.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Is she working outside the home or is it all financed by OP? Sometimes financials can trigger things like that... 

Also has it always been like that?


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I take it personal from the standpoint that my wife is in control of my sexual fulfillment. I am now in control of her emotional fulfillment and soon to be in control of her financial fulfillment. I'm not trying to get revenge, just trying to even things up some. However, she won't change so divorce is inevitable.


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

john117 said:


> Is she working outside the home or is it all financed by OP? Sometimes financials can trigger things like that...
> 
> Also has it always been like that?


We both work. She wasnt always like this. When we first met she was awesome in bed. We've been together about 8 years and the past few have been like this. 

She always complains she is tired but she seems to have all the energy in the world for working out and hanging out with her friends if they call. 

My wife is a very selfish woman. She even admits that she is. I've thought about divorce but the thought of not being able to have my daughter everyday kills me. 

I try not to take it personal but its hard because it may very well be personal. I dont know if its just the way she is (as she says), or if its because of me.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I took it personally for too long, thought I was ugly and unlovable. Crazy considering I am in shape and attractive but the self doubt completely ruined me.

I divorced him and have never looked back, It has been confirmed to me over and over that it was his problem and not mine, I am lovable and attractive. He has not repartnered after almost 4 years.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Holland said:


> I took it personally for too long, thought I was ugly and unlovable. Crazy considering I am in shape and attractive but the self doubt completely ruined me.
> 
> I divorced him and have never looked back, It has been confirmed to me over and over that it was his problem and not mine, I am lovable and attractive. He has not repartnered after almost 4 years.


Thinking you are ugly and unattractive did a number on your confidence which affected your looks. So is it a noticeable difference between how you looked in your old relationship and how you look now?


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Thinking you are ugly and unattractive did a number on your confidence which affected your looks. So is it a noticeable difference between how you looked in your old relationship and how you look now?


I am the same weight in my mid 40's as I was when I married my ex 20 years ago. My appearance is the same but with the added benefit of years  In the depths of dispair in my past marriage I gave up to an extent, not on life as I always loved life but I gave up on going the extra mile to look sexy, there was no point. I have a very innate sense of sexy but I hid it away for a few years there as it was futile.

What is different is my sense of peace, I am a very happy and fulfilled woman today, this manifests in my overall mood being happier and more level. 

It is a conflicting place to be when you can see other people find you attractive but your spouse doesn't. Well he did find me attractive but he was so LD that it didn't matter how I looked.


----------



## matristar96 (Sep 18, 2013)

I am the "LD" in our relationship and it isn't because i'm not attracted to him at all I just don't get turned on as often and honestly with my husband hounding me ALL the time i don't get turned on. If he were to step back and try romancing me, or genuinely act like he cared about what i had to say or ask me about my day and actually care instead of just doing these things to get into my pants than I would be interested more often. That being said we have a twice a week agreement that we worked with a counselor to set up. It works because he is gauranteed twice a week but honestly I'm still not interested that often because the rest of the week he hounds me for it anyways I need more emotional and mental connection than he does why should i be the one meeting all his needs without him trying to meet mine? I know men need sex more often than women but he needs to know that women need things too and well i'm not getting what i need so why go out of the way to give him what he needs? Nothing will change if i just keep doing what he wants without him trying to give me things i need too. I also have some physical issues prolapsed uterus, bowel and bladder due to my last pregnancy and birth and my whole life intercourse has been a bit painful for me. When i'm not interested and i know it's been awhile i offer to help him out with various OTHER sexually intimate things EX: hand job, blow job, using my boobs for masturbation etc. maybe you can discuss these with your wife. My husband now works nights and I days so twice a week is hard because i get up very early so we usually have sex one day on teh weekend and the next day i "help" him out so we can still be intimate (which our counselor described as anything sexual you wouldn't do with anyone but each other) in other ways.


----------



## loveshiswife (Aug 18, 2012)

I have to tell you I have been where you are right now, I told my wife that the lack of sex would end our marriage. I told her that while i loved her, the anger and frustration of not being intimate was going to make me a person who was not happy. This seemed to be the switch, while i may not be getting my every need fulfilled, I could go every morning and night but we have improved to once a week. witch was a huge improvement still not perfect. And my wife has noticed a huge change in my attitude toward her that i did not even realize had already happened.


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Well my wife doesnt do any foreplay to me. Havent had a BJ in years, not handjob, nothing other than PiV.

I was so pissed because last thursday i initiated and she said wait till the weekend. Friday she said she was to tired. Saturday her period came. 

I know 90% of the time she does have sex its just to keep me from being upset. Kind of makes you feel like a bit of a scumbag afterwards though.


----------



## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

matristar96 said:


> I am the "LD" in our relationship and it isn't because i'm not attracted to him at all I just don't get turned on as often and honestly with my husband hounding me ALL the time i don't get turned on. If he were to step back and try romancing me, or genuinely act like he cared about what i had to say or ask me about my day and actually care instead of just doing these things to get into my pants than I would be interested more often. That being said we have a twice a week agreement that we worked with a counselor to set up. It works because he is gauranteed twice a week but honestly I'm still not interested that often because the rest of the week he hounds me for it anyways I need more emotional and mental connection than he does why should i be the one meeting all his needs without him trying to meet mine? I know men need sex more often than women but he needs to know that women need things too and well i'm not getting what i need so why go out of the way to give him what he needs? Nothing will change if i just keep doing what he wants without him trying to give me things i need too. I also have some physical issues prolapsed uterus, bowel and bladder due to my last pregnancy and birth and my whole life intercourse has been a bit painful for me. When i'm not interested and i know it's been awhile i offer to help him out with various OTHER sexually intimate things EX: hand job, blow job, using my boobs for masturbation etc. maybe you can discuss these with your wife. My husband now works nights and I days so twice a week is hard because i get up very early so we usually have sex one day on teh weekend and the next day i "help" him out so we can still be intimate (which our counselor described as anything sexual you wouldn't do with anyone but each other) in other ways.


For years before getting married, I would listen intently on what women like you would write and say. So, I find my wife and I do my best to be affectionate in non-sexual ways, be genuinely interested in her, and so on. I would go out of my way to take care of these less-than-sexual needs and what do I get? I get someone who honestly could not care less about having sex. We have gone 11 weeks now and she is completely indifferent to it. I brought it up a few days ago and I may as well have been talking about cricket scores from New Zealand.


----------



## Rafters (Sep 18, 2013)

You can always roofie her.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> My wife is perfectly happy with having sex 1 time per month, if even that. She told me to go find a nympho when I told her i would be happy with 1-2 times per week. She thinks her LD is perfectly normal and that I'm just a sex addict for wanting it 1-2 times per week.
> 
> How do you not take a LD spouse personal? Questions pop into my head like is it her having a LD due to nature or am I the reason for her LD? Is she having an affair? Has she no attraction for me? Am I to fat, ugly, etc for her?
> 
> ...




Did you marry my wife?

Welcome to the HD with LD club.

Myself, I have given up on her. She wants LD and sees nothing wrong with it, she can have it and everything else that goes along with that.

I did take it very personal but now I really don't care anymore and it doesn't bother me.

Rule of thumb. LD's are never the issue in their minds, never change and always blame the HD spouse.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> How do you not take a LD spouse personal?


You find your ballz and your self-esteem. Read the No More Mr. Nice Guy book. I was in your shoes years ago. My W is still LD, and my drive is still through the roof. I used to take it personally...no more. I know that I'm not perfect and I know that I've made mistakes in my marriage. I also know that I'm a good man/father/husband, and I NOW know that I'm still an attractive MOFO. 

Don't allow her low drive to measure your worth.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

People can only do to you that which you permit. The only control they have over you is the control you give them. She can choose to deny you sex but you can choose to not tolerate it.


----------



## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

my ex wife thought I was a crazed sex manic because I wanted sex twice a week maybe 3 times if there is a special occasion in there but all she ever wanted was sex for a baby and would do the duty sex once a month if that to shut me up and it was rushed as it is with most LD persons. All I can say is work on yourself, get to the gym and improve your body(never hurts too, well it does but its the good kind of hurt) improve your appearance that comes with the gym and eat healthy and if you smoke quit.


----------



## otayman (Sep 20, 2013)

That's terrible. Hope things get better for you.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Has she had her hormone levels checked to see if in fact shes LD? I don't know that some people are actually truly LD, although some could be if it shows lower than normal hormone levels. It could be that LD also means they are no longer interested in their spouse for whatever reason, not medically speaking, but emotionally/mentally not interested.


----------



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> Well my wife doesnt do any foreplay to me. Havent had a BJ in years, not handjob, nothing other than PiV.
> 
> I was so pissed because last thursday i initiated and she said wait till the weekend. Friday she said she was to tired. Saturday her period came.
> 
> I know 90% of the time she does have sex its just to keep me from being upset. Kind of makes you feel like a bit of a scumbag afterwards though.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> Well my wife doesnt do any foreplay to me. Havent had a BJ in years, not handjob, nothing other than PiV.
> 
> I was so pissed because last thursday i initiated and she said wait till the weekend. Friday she said she was to tired. Saturday her period came.
> 
> I know 90% of the time she does have sex its just to keep me from being upset. Kind of makes you feel like a bit of a scumbag afterwards though.



Your wife sounds similar to mine and I hear you on this. Classic LD spouse. Not much you can do.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

aeasty said:


> my ex wife thought I was a crazed sex manic because I wanted sex twice a week maybe 3 times if there is a special occasion in there but all she ever wanted was sex for a baby and would do the duty sex once a month if that to shut me up and it was rushed as it is with most LD persons. All I can say is work on yourself, get to the gym and improve your body(never hurts too, well it does but its the good kind of hurt) improve your appearance that comes with the gym and eat healthy and if you smoke quit.



Your Ex wife was also another LD spouse. She thought having sex 2x a week was too much and insane? What planet is she from? Sex 2x a week is the minimal average and not high at all. A high healthy sex drive would be sex every day or maybe every 2nd day. So sex 3 - 4x week or up to 7x week.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Whoa. When I was at Walmart yesterday and I seen a couple holding hands. I thought to myself "I bet their sex life is good."
> 
> That is strange that you made the walmart mention. I totally think that every time I go out.


This made me chuckle 

For the record, I get PDA, holding hands, hugs, cuddles on the couch, back rubs, phone calls during the day, notes on my desk, texts.

But... we are sexless. He is not "emotionally" able willing whatever (he's messed up) to even think about sex.

Impressions are deceiving. Especially in public. Just sayin'.
Peace.


----------



## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: LD wife - How do you not take it personal?*



deejov said:


> This made me chuckle
> 
> For the record, I get PDA, holding hands, hugs, cuddles on the couch, back rubs, phone calls during the day, notes on my desk, texts.
> 
> ...


your hubs sounds like my wife.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
I feel for you. As a woman who was "there" in the same boat awhile ago, it reads so familiar.

It's hard to fathom. You are "giving", wanting to give, and she is refusing.

What you can control is how other's actions affect your sense of self worth, as a man. You take back control of THAT. 

You do that by deciding if the nagging feelings are true, or not.

-you feel unwanted, unloved, ugly, not desired.
Is this true?
Are you ugly, fat, and not loveable?

If you answer yes....
Is this an opinion or fact?
Can you PROVE you are not loveable, ugly, or fat?

If it's an opinion.... LET IT GO. Realise where the "opinion" is coming from. Ego. Society. Judgment. Who are you, really?

--------------------------

Story about fact versus opinion.
-One day, someone decides to make up a story about you. They tell everyone you are a liar, a thief, and that you robbed a bank! The story spreads, your family gets very upset, and things escalate terribly.

You end up arrested, and asking for a lawyer. It's absolutely NOT true, you know you didn't do it! You know that you are an honest person, you would not steal, and it's not who you are! You use all your energy to defend yourself... you are not a liar, a thief, and its all a lie!!

What would you do? You would FIGHT! 

When someone rejects us, calls us stupid, says we are not worthy, denies us affection, makes us feel "unloved", why do we choose to take it personally?

You don't have to.


----------



## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

we take it personally because we have chosen to give that person the deepest access to our inner self- to open ourselves completely to them. rejection from someone you have exposed yourself that deeply brings inherent hurt.


----------



## Philnamehere (Aug 29, 2013)

Re: working on yourself, getting into great shape, etc.

I have this fear that I never thought I would type out and I feel foolish like hell for thinking it: that the beautiful, active, fit women that I see at the gym would be too much of a temptation...a tease at its lowest level and an opportunity for an EA at the other end of the possibilities list. And the more I got in shape and my self-esteem was roaring back to 100%, that I would feel confident that an EA is a solution to my HD /wife's LD predicament. Throw it away and give into temptation.
I know this sounds egotistical in the highest order...all wrapped up in a shroud of excitement and eternal, unwashable guilt.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

deejov said:


> This made me chuckle
> 
> For the record, I get PDA, holding hands, hugs, cuddles on the couch, back rubs, phone calls during the day, notes on my desk, texts.
> 
> ...


Same as my ex husband, Deejov. He couldn't keep his hands off me, and was very loving and tactile. It just never 'went anywhere' unless I took control.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think it's taken personally because not getting one's needs met in a relationship IS a very personal thing. It's very hard to be objective about something so very deep and personal...

I agree with others, OP, who have suggested concentrating your energies on keeping super fit and working on yourself. It will either cause your W to sit up and take notice - or not. Either way, you will have gained something, even if it wasn't your main objective...


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I really don't understand why people put up with this. Marriage is a societal contract with a sexual element. If there is a large desire mismatch and the LD is unwilling to work onit. Time to stand up for your self and get out. It certainly doesn't help the kids to have unhappy parents. If she comes up with the nympho comment again, tell her fine, it's her job to find a suitable replacemnt if she isn't going to fulfill her obligations. ( and I am only partially kidding here)


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

KanDo said:


> I really don't understand why people put up with this.


:iagree:

Me neither. One of my main love languages is physical touch, and if my SO didn't want physical intimacy with me I would feel unloved. If he told me to go and get those needs met elsewhere (OP's W's reference to him finding a nympho), those feelings would be a certainty...


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Jamison said:


> Has she had her hormone levels checked to see if in fact shes LD? I don't know that some people are actually truly LD, although some could be if it shows lower than normal hormone levels. It could be that LD also means they are no longer interested in their spouse for whatever reason, not medically speaking, but emotionally/mentally not interested.


:iagree: Yep something needs to checked out to see.


----------

