# wtf ... husband joined an online dating site



## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

Ha! Just found out husband joined an online dating site 

This is the same man who said he does not want a divorce, how he still loves me, how I've made him a better person, that he misses me, yada, yada. But then again, he's an extreme passive aggressive so can't believe anything he says.

I'm them one initiating the proceedings, so why do I feel so upset about this? I mean he has a right to move on right? We've been in different cities a for months now even though up till last month we still had regular communication and thought we might reunite.

Sigh ....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, if you are filing for a divorce then maybe you need to stop checking up on him. You both need to move on.

He might have been so unsure about things that he was playing both sides.... trying to see if your marriage would work out and trying to figure out what life will be like after a divorce.

My understanding from the above is that you are filing for divorce, then just let this go.


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## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

I haven't actually filed yet. I keep hoping that he sees the error of his ways and agrees to counseling but he's refused. Keeps saying he has to do it on his own timeline (almost 2 years now he's been saying that he will, but never does).

So I told him I was going to file but I can't afford a lawyer so have been getting all the paperwork together on my own.

Yes, I know I have to let it go, but for some reason it's hard


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

d2snow said:


> Ha! Just found out husband joined an online dating site
> 
> This is the same man who said he does not want a divorce, how he still loves me, how I've made him a better person, that he misses me, yada, yada. But then again, he's an extreme passive aggressive so can't believe anything he says.
> 
> ...


HA! You sure its not MY STBXH you're talking about. Same thing.. last October he joined the meat market match.com all the while telling me the same BS - I still love you, I want to make it work, I miss you....

Lies and deceit all the way. I know you must be upset I was too but... he's digging his own grave.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

d2snow said:


> I haven't actually filed yet. I keep hoping that he sees the error of his ways and agrees to counseling but he's refused. Keeps saying he has to do it on his own timeline (almost 2 years now he's been saying that he will, but never does).
> 
> So I told him I was going to file but I can't afford a lawyer so have been getting all the paperwork together on my own.
> 
> Yes, I know I have to let it go, but for some reason it's hard


I hear ya sister, I'm in the same boat, I hoped for a long time, listened to his BS, hung on for 1.5 yrs. Not only did he join the meat market he has now gotten some other woman pregnant. I filed 2 wks ago. Its time.

But I know it hurts. I really do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, so you had not filed yet. That was not clear. I thought you had.

I'm sure it does hurt. But it also lets you know that he's not ready to fix your marriage.

Sounds like it's time to file. There is a chance that the only thing that will get his attention is if you do file.

After 2 years I'm sure he expects things to just continue as they have been.


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## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

So apparently this is not unusual behavior, then? 

Ok, need to muster up the strength to go ahead and file. It'll be uncontested (no kids and minimal assets to divy up) and it states on the govm't website that if he doesn't respond by 20 days (being mailed the paperwork to sign) the case will proceed without him and divorce will be granted. Knowing him, he probably won't respond.

Hmmm ... seems pretty simple in this state. Who knew it would be so easy, lol


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, it's not unusual behavior at all.

You can just mail the divorce papers to him? In most states he'd have to be served. 

Don't be surprised if he suddenly sees the light when he gets the papers. If he does, don't drop the divorce immediately even if you want to try to repair the marriage. let him realize that he's on the cusp of really losing you.


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## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You can just mail the divorce papers to him? In most states he'd have to be served.


Apparently. It says something to the effect that if your spouse lives off-island you can send the complaint by registered or certified mail, return receipt requested. It's called "Motion for Service By Mail"

Maybe I should call them to clarify exactly how that works.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

d2snow said:


> Apparently. It says something to the effect that if your spouse lives off-island you can send the complaint by registered or certified mail, return receipt requested. It's called "Motion for Service By Mail"
> 
> Maybe I should call them to clarify exactly how that works.


We have that as an option in the state I live in. Basically you send it through the postal service signature confirmation so it HAS to be signed for and then once you receive your copy of the confirmation back you take it to the court house to be filed with the rest of your documents as proof he was served. Of course they prefer you do it through the sheriff's department at $30 but not everyone can afford doing that after having to pay fees just to file in the first place.


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## hopeforbetter (Mar 20, 2013)

After my husband told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. And after i asked to try to fix it and he said he gave me chances (although never talked about any issues before telling me he was done) and he just wanted it to be over....
I did join an online dating site, to see what was out there. To ease the pain of knowing my husband wants to leave. And even though Im the one who still loves him and want to work things out, he says he doesn't love me. Soooo what do I have to lose?
If you ladies are leaving your husbands...what do you expect from them?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

hopeforbetter said:


> After my husband told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. And after i asked to try to fix it and he said he gave me chances (although never talked about any issues before telling me he was done) and he just wanted it to be over....
> I did join an online dating site, to see what was out there. To ease the pain of knowing my husband wants to leave. And even though Im the one who still loves him and want to work things out, he says he doesn't love me. Soooo what do I have to lose?
> If you ladies are leaving your husbands...what do you expect from them?


I did the same thing. Joined online dating sites before divorce was final, but after she moved out. 

I did it for more than one reason though. I was severely hurt and felt rejected by her telling me it was over and ILYBNILWY. I wanted to see what else was out there. I also wanted some validation in order to feel better about myself, because my self esteem was so terribly low at that point. 

I did still love her when I joined. But I did not feel any love from her. So "why the hell not" was my attitude.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

I think it's something recommended by counselors too as far as the go out and meet people of the opposite gender, not so much to date right away but more of a moving on aspect of things as when my whole situation started and I started going to IC he told me the same thing about getting other and meeting other women. He also said it makes the other person start thinking about what their missing out on and "gee why is he/she with another man/women? He/She is really moving on after all." so it might be that he is going to IC and his counselor told him to try it. Especially since you're the one leaving him and it seems to have made an impact on you, true?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

cooljay said:


> I think it's something recommended by counselors too as far as the go out and meet people of the opposite gender, not so much to date right away but more of a moving on aspect


This was part of my therapy. My IC advised against online dating, but encouraged going out and striking up conversations with strangers and making new friends of both genders.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When I told my husband I was planning on divorcing him for past cheating (he claimed he was so devastated, wanted to try again, etc. -- I said "no") within a month he had online dating profiles. A couple of months after that he was seriously dating someone. A couple of months after that (while we were working out financial details and before I even filed) he had moved in with her. So, yeah, they can move fast. Not unusual at all.


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## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

I doubt anyone suggested it to him - he refused to get MC, refuses to get IC, yet professes his love for me and that he doesn't want a divorce. Something doesn't add up.

I can see maybe he would do it out of curiosity?

Shoot, why would someone want to move so quickly into another relationship without working on themselves first. Seems like these types of guys just can't be by themselves for a short while - which is why I suspect they don't want to divorce in the first place.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

d2snow said:


> why would someone want to move so quickly into another relationship without working on themselves first


Simple. To avoid doing so.

Or maybe he read MMSLP and is doing it to get you interested again. It sure has piqued your curiosity.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

zillard said:


> Simple. To avoid doing so.


:iagree:

Burying your issues is so much easier than dealing with them. Until they explode back out. You'll never get someone with a shovel in hand to see that though until the explosion. I never did.

You don't want him as he is and you cant make him change what he is. All you can do is own your own actions. He was given a chance to work on things and chose this instead. 

I say go ahead and file, he is showing you how much he wants to work on his marriage. Believe him and start concentrating on yourself.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

K.C. said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Burying your issues is so much easier than dealing with them. Until they explode back out. You'll never get someone with a shovel in hand to see that though until the explosion. I never did.
> 
> ...


My ex has so many mental health issues and he is in complete denial - he moves from from woman to the next, he does not want to be alone and wants to look like he can "pull chicks".

I gave him 18 mths to get his act together, get help and work on our marriage. His lack of actions showed me how much he wanted to work on it. In the end I just filed. I want out. 

A friend asked me the other day what did I want. I told her what I want in a marriage and husband and realized my ex can't provide any of these things. Barely a single one.

I have no intentions of dating as yet. I think I'll wait another 6 mths or beyond so I can be in a good place. I am not lonely, enjoy my own company and have a special needs child to focus on. Yes filing for divorce is a big step and to be honest I wonder if I will ever find someone else again. I know so many single women and they've been single for years - not by choice either.

But I'd rathe be alone than in the misery, lies and deceit I have been in the last few years.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

When my wife first left in July of last year I joined a dating site. I had a terrible feeling of being by myself and had a sudden urge to replace my ex so that I could keep things the way they were.

It was awful, it was uncomfortable to meet people looking to date, I met some creepy people, I didn't find anyone that was even remotely compatible. 

ON my second time around I am focusing on ME... not saying that if someone nice comes along I wouldn't go for coffee. I'm am not actively looking right now.

He is probably doing that. Just cause he is on there.. doesn't not mean he is doing ANYTHING. 

For me it was the comfort that I wasn't alone. I saw lots of people that were also on their own and it was comforting.

Everyone thinks they are the only one in this big world that is being dumped and dating sites show you that you are not alone.

Don't think he is out looking for tail.. I bet he is not.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Heh, if he has a free account on match, he can't do a damn thing anyway. lol
I am guilty of this as well. Poured my heart out to my ex wife but she rejected me at every turn. Told me nothing would change her mind about divorcing me. I still love her, but she obviously does not love (or even like) me. Like another user said, this takes a huge toll on the self esteem. Joining one of these sites and getting attention from women (many of whom are more attractive than the ex) did help when I was in my darkest days of depression. Plus, why not try and move on if you're on the receiving end of an UNWANTED divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

On the dating thing, to play devils advocate.

When I was handed my unwanted separation. I wanted nothing more than to save my marriage. I still considered myself married and didn't look elsewhere at all.

I could not have said to her i want to make this work AND be looking for some "strange" at the same time. That would be total bs in my mind.

having accepted things and decided that actually, I don't even want to go back to someone that has said the things and acted towards me the way stbx has.. things change and I am happy to go with whatever life brings me and indeed already has.

I didn't get what I wanted in this whole mess but I will allow myself to want what i got.

The thing for me is honesty. You want your relationship back, or you want a new one. Anything else is cake eating.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

K.C. said:


> On the dating thing, to play devils advocate.
> 
> When I was handed my unwanted separation. I wanted nothing more than to save my marriage. I still considered myself married and didn't look elsewhere at all.
> 
> ...


I agree. My STBXH fed me this the entire time. Not only was he taking me on dates, telling me he wants to mend our marriage, I love you, etc - he was on dating sites looking for my replacement AND having sex with one of his daughter's friends who is now pregnant with his child. All of this unknown to me at the time.

He can't be alone, he needs to fill up the black hole of aloneness with someone, anyone. 

It hurts to be cast aside so easily but I have come to the realization that I am indeed the lucky one. My life will get better, a lot better in time, his will not. His goose is cooked.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

K.C. said:


> You want your relationship back, or you want a new one.


I bounced back and forth between these two at first. 

Also, there was a time period when I did want it back, but accepted that it was over and acted accordingly.


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

d2snow, when you file for D, you're filing a lawsuit so the law requires that you notify the defendant because he has the right to defend himself (due process). So when you file your petition with the court, you're basically suing your H to get a D and the law requires that you give him notice. You will have to send him a copy of your petition for the D (the complaint) & a document you will get from the court clerk when you file, it's called "summons." Basically you have to serve your ex with a copy of a "summons" & "complaint" (together they're called service of process)

Every state has their own rules on how to serve the defendant "service of process" so if you can serve your ex w/ process when he's physically present in your state, forget about all that other stuff, but if he moved to another state then you have to follow that 2nd instruction telling you what to do with "out of state defendants"

Here's what you should do: when you file your complaint, ask the court clerk what's the best way to serve your ex who lives in state ___? Clerks are a great source of info and help, they're usually really busy & overworked but if you're really nice to them they will help you.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

I will admit I did join one a few months after my stbxw told me she wanted a separation and left. Of course this was well past me begging her to come back and after I told her that I would be moving on. I only got as far as signing up and after I did that I felt guilty about even doing that so haven't touched it since that day.

Now as to is he doing it to try and get you interested in him again and win you back or doing it to quickly find someone else can't really say but if you said he's not willing to give MC or IC a try, there's probably a good chance he's doing it to bury his issues and feelings and not have to actually fix anything that's wrong on his end.

Just my opinion and 2 cents worth.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

zillard said:


> I bounced back and forth between these two at first.
> 
> Also, there was a time period when I did want it back, but accepted that it was over and acted accordingly.


Hehe, we do like to bounce around eh. Nothing wrong with that but wanting both at the same time? Sounds like the partners that don't sign up to TAM to me. :rofl:


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## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

Thanks for the insight guys/gals!

Of course I know he's doing it to bury his issues/feelings so he won't have to fix anything (laziness?). I had gotten a copy of the Mars/Venus book and he only glanced at a few pages and never actually read it nor did any of the exercises... sigh...

We've been talking again, and again - he said he "wants to us to stay together." Specifically told him maybe he would be happier with someone else and he said to me "he is not actively looking for anyone - he would rather fly solo for a while."

Hahaha .. that's funny! Never mentioned his online dating profiles. But then again, being honest is a big problem for him. Sometimes I think he's a pathological liar.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Maybe he thinks random hook ups is "ok". It is possible he isn't looking. In the same way it's possible i will hit the lottery jackpot tonight.

I'm not buying it and seeing as you know him better, i'm glad you're not either.

Honestly screw what he wants, what do you want. You cant make him be anything other than what he is. So on the basis he is what he is.. do what YOU want to do.

Honestly, if he is as full of bs as you think, what's the point of even speaking?


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## thisSux (Jan 8, 2013)

I actually found sites like that we're an escape mechanism.to get away from everything that hurt


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

Personally, I don't think he is doing anything wrong at all.

When you are faced with the horror of an impending divorce, even one where you are still committed to saving, then one of the more traumatic things can be what will be 'out there' if you do end up single. Dating sites (as opposed to 'hook up' sites) can be a way of assessing the future options that may be out there...some sites will only give you full searches once you have posted a profile too.

Sure, there is an element of Plan-B from his side, but then in his situation I don't see that that is particularly unreasonable.


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