# I really need to talk



## TeeTotal (Jul 29, 2009)

Well, I sit here contemplating my next move. He is deeply addicted to cybersex and I'm not sure what else. We have been together for almost three years. This is my third marriage and this issue has been one that continues to surround me in one shape or form, as well as other addictions. I seem to be surrounded by it. I realize that he has not actually slept with anyone physically, but it still feels like he has. That is hard for me to deal with. I seem to be the odd man out in that regard, seems our whole society is ok with this kind of thing....? It may be that he has convinced me that I am. I couldn't say for sure even though it was never really spoken out loud, if that makes any sense. I have seen some of the emails between them and it usually says how he wished I would be that way..yada yada. This is also a huge blow to me, I take it personally. I am confused as to how I actually feel about things at the moment. One minute I cry, the next I'm just fine, or as fine as I can be. Thoughts of beginning the search for someone goes through my mind constantly, but I don't want to do that, not really. I'd like it if he actually made a move to work on this issue. He seems to have a bit of a problem with hiding. Not just a little bit, he shuts down completely to any type of emotions other than limited laughter or sex. I have learned how serious it is with him after watching over the last couple years. He is that way with his family, his children it seems everyone. Unless it is a superficial one. There is a huge part of me that realizes that his behavoir has nothing to do with how he feels about me. His addictive behavoir that is. I also realize that it is a choice, not something he can't control, I can't give that to him. We''ve talked, he's admitted that he has a problem. Good first step, however this is the third first step. I've left it up to him completely. If he seeks counseling for his problem, and asks me to see one with him I will do that. I wonder at this point though if I even want to work on this. I have zero trust, feel totally betrayed and very, very tired of this circle. I know that I do not have to make a choice this second, this day or even week. Seeking my own counseling is probably a good idea, however I've tried twice in that last year and it just doesn't seem to click. How do you find a good counselor, one that has delt with these types of issues that you feel comfortable with enough to talk to and get something out of it? Not sure why I have felt that way, possibly I was shut down as well. Jeez, I'm terribly confused.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

Teetotal - Trust me you are not alone on this issue. If you have googled this issue there is a ton out there like this board with the same exact issues. I have been there and am still there on this issue. It is online porn here. He has agreed to stop and has for the most part. Every once in a while, like last week, he will "slip" up. I can't keep my mouth shut - I feel like I have been through the ringer so many times that it just comes out on its own. What is wierd is that I can tell he has done "something" just by his attitude, actions, affection (lack thereof) and if I go check - sure enough - its there. We had a huge blowup over it because he is lying about it, hiding it, deleting it off the history, etc. THerein lies the problem, the porn in itself is not really the issue anymore (don't get me wrong I don't like it, I hate it and I resent it) however its what comes with it. The lies, hiding and deception. I told him that whatever ounce of trust he earned back is now gone, in that moment he through it all out the window. One step forward, three steps back. 

If you read the addicition topic at all this is a huge issue on there. I don't know that he can or will give it up. It is an addiction and can be dealt with, however he has to be willing to do it. I am not familiar with the cyber sex part of it - my H's was just porn (a ton of it). I don't know what I would do if I found him actually having sexual fantasies with other "live" women. He had an online affair (probably very similar to cyber sex) with a best friend of mine (who is no longer) and I was crushed, humiliated, degraded - no it is not something I could live with. And yes "IT IS CHEATING!"

We did speak to a counselor for a brief period and I liked him very much. It was phone counseling but speaking to him was like a huge weight lifted. He understood exactly what I was feeling and going through and put it into words for me to understand. I know that sounds crazy but I couldn't understand it - and he helped. It is Dr. Harley with Marriage Builders. My H also spoke to him and put a lot of things in perspective as well for him. Hope that helps.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

my h was/is addicted to porn. its really taken a toll on my self-esteem. i know what you mean about society thinking its ok, no big deal, but its different when you have to live with someone that's addicted to it. it affects so much of how they love. 

anyway, i told my H he had to stop or i had to go. so i think you should leave if your H wont stop. and find out why you keep falling for these kinds of guys.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

If you dont like this societies addiction to naked weman there is an easy solution for you. Move to Jordan or another Islamic nation, but a burka over your head and rest assured that if you catch your husband looking the skin of another woman you can have him whipped. That seems to be the Ideal you are shooting for.

I'm sorry to be sarcastic but what exactly is the problem with watching naked people do erotic things?

That its not you who is turning him on? Guys get turned on by the strangest things and at the wierdest times. Everyone has had the experiance in school of being called to the front of the class with a boner that came out of nowhere and wont go away. If we could turn it on and off like a switch we would, but it doesn't work that way.

If you want to be the object of your mans desire just try this one time- Instead of freaking out next time you find your man with porn, ask him if he had time to get off, and if not give him a bj. If the porn turns you off and you want your man to come to you instead of the computer then frankly you must be as available as the computer is to satisfy him. If you dont like the fact that your man gets horny when he has a few minutes to himself then I really dont think you are allowing him to be human, and your trying to change him into some Ideal instead of loving who he is, flaws and all.

Cyber-sex takes time and attention, and the ability to coordinate communication with someone else. It is cheating. There is a connection with a spicific person and a getting to know thier likes and dislikes, in short its a relationship. If your spouse is in this you need to find out what is lacking in the real relationship and decide if your comfortable with providing it, or if you need to move on.


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## Justawife (Aug 14, 2009)

I think that is the best advise I've hear on this subject...Thank you..It made me think...
I'm in the same boat so to say, except it was me who was on the internet in a relationship..so to speak...it wasn't to hurt anyone, it was to fill a void...


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## dmcneilan (Aug 15, 2009)

you just wrote my life out and we dont even know each other. i have been turning a blind eye to my husbands porn sites, local singles, passion sites, you name it he has gone there. the worst though is realizing that he has several undisclosed email accounts, web addresses, mobile web, email accounts etc. that i have been unaware of. this week i found a email response from him to a tramp listed on craigslist giving his mobile phone number and hours to call of course they were the hours that he is out of the house. the next one said he hoped she was okay after her situation the previous afternoon. he fist denied all of it, all the way down to accusing my sister of setting him up, then he blamed my two grown sons, finally admitted when i was lucky enough to print out his mobile phone call list that showed numerous numbers called and incoming calls. to this discovery he is very proud to tell me that he has been having many conversations with many women. claims that he has not had sex yet as he puts it. i dont believe that of course, but it seems to be all my fault that he has turned to this. he blames me for his impetcy(sorry for spelling) he says that it is all my fault. he says that i have chosen my family over him and this is why he can not have sex with me! we have been married for 11years of this time he has had this problem the entire time. i have never strayed nor do i want to. i do admit that i so desire for him to want me or eve look like he does. the only time he attempts to service me is when i say i dont know how much longer i can stand it. i dont want to sound grose to you but a woman needs satisfied to. back to hubby though, he has 3 children from a previous marriage that he has never had a relationship with. i believe he would be most happy if i could turn my back from my 3 grown children as well. i can not do that, i have a daughter who has served 3 years in prison for drugs, credit card fraud due to the drugs, she is due to be released in december of this year i believe he is doing this because he does not want me to allow her to move in with me when she is released. i have no choice in this she has no where else to go, i have custody of her daughter due to her imprisonment. i also had to have my mother move in with us to help take care of my granddaughter while i continued to work. instead of telling me from the beginning how he felt about this he lied and said it was okay even told my mother that she has a home here for as long as she wants it. now says he can not have sex with me because of them being in the home. i also lost my grandson this week he was unborn my son and daughter in law were seven months along the day she became ill with what the doctors are calling eclampsia extremely dangerous for my daughter in laws life as well. he did not so much as even touch my shoulder and say i am sorry for your loss, hold me would have been out of the question. i am so hurt by all of his actions that i can not function at home or work. i dont know what to do all i do is cry, i still love him for which he laughs in my face. i cant control myself, i feel like the worst wife on earth, i have zero self esteem i cant even look anyone in the eyes, i dont know how to handle this. he tells me that he is divorcing me as quick as possible. i feel sick about this because i still love him. i feel like he laughs at our marriage, he laughs when i cry to the point that i am going into a panic attack he tells me to cry some more i will be alright. how do i deal with this? i dont have a clue, i dont know what to say or do at this point. can anyone please help me talk through this?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I think cybersex is one step worse than phone sex. For me, porn is more acceptable, as the naked women are models, not personal private connections. Any which way, all of those addictions can damage a marriage, and if he won't stop and he tries to convince you that it shouldn't upset you, then you need to decide whether it is worth saving the marriage. 

Feel free to talk as much as you want on this forum. Lots of people have similar issues.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

TeeTotal, it sounds as if you have made some bad choices in relationships. Please know that I am not judging or criticizing you, however, I am wondering if you have attempted to explore why you have made choices in these less than exemplary men? 

Not all men look at porn or participate in cybersex, but many do. While I don't approve of it, it certainly does happen. People are free to choose whatever lifestyle that they wish. It is not my job to control or judge anyone but myself, but you are obviously distraught over your husband's addiction to cybersex and I wish you did not have to deal with something that upsets you this much. 

I am not sure how much counseling would help, as cybersex is an addiction just as much as is substance abuse, but it is an option. If you don't seek out the reasons as to why he is engaging in something that hurts you as much as it apparently does, it will probably continue. If he won't agree to counceling, you could always go alone, to at least work on your own issues.

Then there is the communication problem. Communicatication is an integral component in a relationship, therefore if you two are having this much trouble talking things over, it is that much harder to resolve anything. It sounds like he isn't much into communicating with anyone, though.

I truly hope you can find a solution somewhere in all of this, and I wish you the very best.

(((HUGS)))

FZ1


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

Gomez said:


> If you dont like this societies addiction to naked weman there is an easy solution for you. Move to Jordan or another Islamic nation, but a burka over your head and rest assured that if you catch your husband looking the skin of another woman you can have him whipped. That seems to be the Ideal you are shooting for.
> 
> I'm sorry to be sarcastic but what exactly is the problem with watching naked people do erotic things?


I'm sorry Gomez, but this is the dumbest thing I have heard. The problem with it is they're MARRIED. When you marry someone you go into an agreement that you are who they want for the rest of their lives, no one else. If they can't agree to that, they shouldn't have married you! It's not an "ideal." It's what you agreed to. 

And you asked what's wrong with it? I can write you a whole list. First, she's his wife and she doesn't like it. That's the biggest problem. Second, it's NOT natural. If she didn't have a problem with it then that point wouldn't really matter but she does have a problem with it so it does. Third, guys LOVE to blame it on the girl and say it's because of them when it isn't. I have a feeling she's not walking around with a chastity belt on for years and leaving him in the lurch. 

I could go on and on but that's all I will say for now.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I like porn as much as the next guy but I would not say I am addicted to it because I don't do it too often. But the fact is, I married a woman who has no problem with it and I made sure of that before we married. If she thinks I am in the mood for sex in any way she loves it too and will join with me, looking at pictures, reading stories. Mae, you are right that the problem is she is the wife and does not like it, they have something to deal with there. I do not agree with you that it is not natural, in fact, what could be more natural? Am I "odd" that naked women excite me? I think not.


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

No, I don't think you're odd but I think it's wrong to consider that looking at porn all the time is "normal" and I don't agree with the idea that "it's just what guys do and you need to accept it". I feel it has it's place and time.

You did get my point that the problem is that they are married and she is not ok with it. If they weren't married I'd say have at it, do whatever you want. But they are married so it's totally not cool. If she was ok with it it wouldn't matter and I think you're lucky your wife has no problem with it. It makes it easier when the couple is on the same page about it. I personally am very not ok with my husband looking at porn (though he's never offered to watch it with me).

Either way, her main problem is cyber sex, which is even 50 times worse and is in fact cheating. So even if she was cool with porn, that doesn't mean cyber sex is cool at all.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Having naked women excite you is not the point. Believe it or not, women enjoy men, too. But when they get married they often believe and correct me if I'm wrong, that when each of you stated "forsaking all others" that it meant just that. Cybersex is not forsaking all others. That's a real person even if there is nothing physical going on. And what to you think it often leads to, anyway? It is like a gateway drug just as porn is. 

Porn doesn't fill a gap in a relationship when there is sex and closeness. Porn fills a gap in the individual consuming it. They're objectifying what they're watching. They're not even all there. Glassy eyed, grabbing at their crotches. Nothing intimate. It is soulless. Why would a woman who believes in forsaking all others want to be with someone who allows themselves to behave like this in the home they live in? How is that respectful? 

Also, anything you're doing that steals away from your desire for her is stealing from the relationship, period. Don't tell me that it doesn't. If you didn't satisfy your lust in that way, you'd have more interest in her. You'd let it build and learn that not all cravings need to be met right away. You'd allow your desire for HER build, instead of watching porn and rubbing one out. Rather than being all hot and ready for her, you're luke-warm. 

Just because you can cum again doesn't mean that you're as sexually charged as you could be so don't pretend that porn doesn't steal from your wife. It most certainly does.

Gomez, I think you make a lot of excuses but not a good argument for porn in marriage.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I agree that cyber-sex is different than just porn, it could very well be considered cheating or the beginnings of it. Very dangerous! I also think that if a couple has a great sex life and relationship in general then there is little wrong with porn but if it becomes a substitute for the real thing, that is a problem. From what I know most men AND women masterbate even when they are married and using something to make that more pleasurable should be OK, as long as it is in the right doeses. We are not talking about teenage boys here but if a man is looking at porn and masterbating everyday, hiding it from his spouse then it has become very addicting. One trick for any addiction is to ask the addict to refrain from doing it for a set period of time, say 1 month or even 3 months. If they are in enough control to do this they probably are not addicted. Isn't it interesting how sex can be such a complicated thing for even mature adults?


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