# What is the biggest problem in your relationship



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I'm trying to see if my impression from reading here is correct about what are the big sources of problems in people's relationships / marriages. The things that make you stressed, or that if changed would make you happy.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's not an interpersonal problem, but one that can affect our relationship and life choices.

Other: Ensuring that my wife can obtain quality, affordable health insurance once I retire. Despite the recent ACA rulings from SCOTUS, we are concerned that if Republicans take control in the next election, they'll gut the law without offering a fair and viable alternative, which could have a serious negative effect on her health.

We may have to move back to Massachusetts if they keep their system intact, but neither of us wants to.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Communication should be on the poll list.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Well, I'm not currently in a relationship, but in my former marriage, the biggest problem was sex (or lack thereof). I am very high drive. I think my XH was low drive, but the lack of sex had more to do with his passive aggressive need for control, and denying me sex was a way to exert emotional control over me. So, the real problem in my former relationship isn't listed on your poll


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## T2shay (Jun 30, 2015)

richie33 said:


> Communication should be on the poll list.



I was just going to say this. 

My husband and I do communicate but most of the time we do not understand eachother. Our interpretation is different, we are working on it of course. Marriage is a work in progress all the time.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I voted "money" only because sometimes we can't cover things like fixing the car or a major expense. I am frugal (cheap as all hell, really), but when your car breaks down, you need to have money saved, which is difficult for us since we are both disabled.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
yes, good point, I should have included "communication"

Are there other things in the "other" list? 

This is not the result I expected -I'm learning something.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Control, power, who gets to make decisions. At least it's my biggest problem. Probably not a problem for her since she always ends up getting her way because I don't have the will to push for the things I want. I care more about her feelings and about maintaining tranquility than I do about getting my way.


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## T2shay (Jun 30, 2015)

this is a list of more things that cause issues in relationships other than what you have listed and of course communication being left out.

parenting differences (couples who disagree on discipline curfew etc)
different work schedules (one works days one works nights)
issues with family in laws (inlaws starting drama all the time)
illnesses/ you, your spouse, or children (not only financial burden but time burden as well)
different goals in life (one wants to move out of state to pursue a job one is happy in their job)
wanting or not wanting kids 
living arrangements (buying or renting a home, living with parents still etc)
shared responsibilities or lack thereof (not sharing the bills, or doing chores around the house)

that is just a few off the top of my head.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

richie33 said:


> Communication should be on the poll list.


Yep communication is the problem here. I wish it had made the list


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I'm trying to see if my impression from reading here is correct about what are the big sources of problems in people's relationships / marriages. The things that make you stressed, or that if changed would make you happy.


Experts say the 3 biggies are :

*1) **Communication* ...







...even if a couple are compatible in many areas.. bad communication , misinterpreting each other can blacken it all ... . 

*2)*







.. if a Saver marries a Spend thrift.. OH BOY!! 

*3) *







..Mismatched Libidos, Lover styles...can cause much heartache, suffering.. resentment.

I think *Household chore dividing *isn't far down that list.. where someone or both feel they are being used, taken advantage of.. differing *Love Languages* are pretty big Too... 

Myself & H has only argued over SEX..even though we have a very good sex life.. it was our biggest contention.... I caused some ruckus over wanting more out of him...(I will blame my hormones for this!)... when he wanted more out of me .. he handled it more passively than he should have.... funny how different we both are ... 

Our seeking to understand each other.. we got to the heart underneath why we both reacted as we did... and learned from these things.. helping us grow closer...forgiving our blunders... it's good we can look back -even laugh about some if it now..


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Our biggest problem ATM is having enough time together. 

We've had far bigger problems in the past though...We'll make it through this time crunch but it sucks.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You should have made it so you can pick several of the options. We have lots of problems...mismatched sexual desire, her not will to do chores of any kind and money issues. She refuses to use any of her money on the family, only herself. When she buys a 12 pack of soda, she gets pissed if some one takes one. Her selfishness is monumental. I wish I could end the marriage tomorrow.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Are there other things in the "other" list?


Lack of romance/emotional passion. Aside from her wanting to hold hands when we go out, our relationship is like a friends with benefits relationship. Her only passion is financial investing.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

His crazy ex wife.


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## jc0187 (Feb 16, 2013)

Don't know where mine would be. Probably under "other".
But the biggest problem in my relationship is getting my fiance to focus on OUR family and to consider that first above her mother, father and siblings. Seems it's always a struggle with competition. The baby will be here any day now, but I feel as though she will still put her parents and siblings above US as a family.


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## knmh12 (Jun 22, 2015)

.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Magical Thinking, a mainstay of BPD's...

Magical Thinkers somehow see what they want to see without considering long term implications. 

I don't expect others to draw decision trees in their heads but living in la la land ain't helping either...


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Our biggest problem is a disagreement over how much to "help" adult children. 

They have been given multiple vehicles, insurance, education paid for, clothing, shelter, etc. They have plots of land that are waiting for them to get married then homes will be built for them, they have small monthly stipends for necessities, advantages far above what many children have.

They quit school, start then stop working, act like slobs in our home...and ask for money non-stop. My wife nearly always caves in. I simply schedule them to work. 

I think they can run a demo hammer for 8 hours if they need money. My wife....not so much...even though she has done and still occasionally does the same work.

WTF
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

His seeming inability to consistently and accurately read my mind. Very frustrating.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Communication should be on the poll list.


Agree. 

The biggest problem in my marriage is effective communication. We have a hard time understanding each other and tend to go in circles. Luckily the libido issue has been fixed, so it's just about communication now.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Easily biggest problem is finding enough time to spend together.

Oh, and she can't even bench her own body weight :redcard:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Marriage #1: 

Infidelity
physical and emotional abuse
Him stealing large sums of money from me and hiding it

Marriage #2:

I chose "Unequal efforts on chores etc" but it's not accurate enough:
He refused to do anything except play video games and surf the web. That includes not work and not take care of his own children.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Oh, and she can't even bench her own body weight :redcard:


Lame!! Time to get Mrs.Ellis Redding to the gym...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pablodiablo (Jun 12, 2015)

The biggest problem in my marriage is my wife!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Pablodiablo said:


> The biggest problem in my marriage is my wife!


Exactly!! 

Seriously, I really can't pinpoint it. Today I'm in a funk, probably because she's taking the kids to visit family and whenever she does that, she comes back stressed out (mentioned before that she's gotten a lot better about this, but she's always stressed out when she takes the kids out of town). I think from my perspective, my issues with her stem from

1. Immaturity (she still thinks that acting like a middle school kid is endearing)

2. Laziness (she knows she needs to lose weight and talks about it, but won't make the effort to exercise or change her diet - says that she's too tired to exercise and she wants to eat foods that fill her up). She talked a few weeks ago about working out in the mornings before I leave for work, but of course that's not happening. 

3. Insecurity in general (she has a sibling who she is deathly afraid of for some reason, and if I say anything even remotely negative about this person, she gets really defensive).

4. Money - she seems to think that money grows on trees. 

I'm not going to even bring up the lack of sex - my sex drive has waned a bit, and her weight gain has contributed to this (I don't need to have the hottest or skinniest woman as a wife, but when I see women that are not much younger than us with three little kids still looking good and out with their kids running around, and I see my wife sitting on her ass at home playing computer games while the kids are playing, I start to wonder).


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

By far it is not enough time together, because of his work travel. I have been able to not have resentment because I know it is not any easier for him that it is for me, and I am so appreciative of how hard he works for our family.

A close second is leaving the toilet seat up.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Easily biggest problem is finding enough time to spend together.


This is the same for our marriage. The worst years of our marriage were when we hardly spent any one on one time together. Everything was focused on the kids. We are really working on this now. We just spent a week together in Hawaii, just the two of us. It was so much fun and we really connected.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Back years ago, it was my drinking. Some can handle moderating their alcohol, I can't... It was drinking or my marriage and family.

Now, our biggest problem (not all the time), dealing with our oldest autistic son. When he has meltdowns, it does create conflicts between my wife and me. We are working on it, by going to family psychologist.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I voted money but it's not because we are broke, it's because I am resentful that I am the wife and bread winner when I'd rather be a SAHM and he insist on living a nice lifestlye in an expensive area. He is full of promises for the future but so far has never followed through, in fact, many of his efforts to contribute to "our" business just create more work for me but have not yet paid off financially.

So I say "money" but really it's about *mis-matched values*. Deep down I believe the man should provide, but even as a woman, I would never let someone else support me in a lifestyle they did not also want, as he has done. I would never spend money I didn't have to the detriment of someone else's future. I would never borrow money from relatives when times got tight (during the recession) while I continued to live beyond my means and didn't know when/if I'd be able to pay it back. I would work at McDonalds for minimum wage before I would not work at all if I was healthy.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Used to be a lot of things. Now it's just one. Love. 

I don't love her anymore.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

intheory said:


> Your kids are incredibly fortunate that you support them so much. Maybe a bit too much from your wife, it seems.
> 
> Still, to get that much of a boost and leg up from parents . . .? They should be really grateful to you guys.


I am hopeful at some point in the future they will be a bit more grateful. 

I get my wife's POV, I do...she is worried about her babies...but eventually everyone has to stand on their own. I have always hoped they would grow up and eventually come to run the family business (Been around for 45 years) -at this point though...no way. My youngest is 14..he's a pretty straight shooter -the wave of the future


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Finances for the long term. 

I want to retire in 7 - 8 years at age 62-63 and live in an urban high rise in a city with good life (Boston, Atlanta, Chicago, etc). And travel. 

Wife wants a bigger mansion since 6000 sq ft is not enough for the two of us  but retirement means no work and I'm not going to fight with the cat for cat food if I have to keep paying for Monument to Futility 2.0...


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

Really?
Nobody has a spouse that spends all their time on a computer chatting with/playing on second life while gaining weight and not doing any kitchen chores?
No one has a husband that has put on as much weight as I have during a pregnancy and plays second life instead of trying to lose it?

wow!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sexy said:


> Really?
> Nobody has a spouse that spends all their time on a computer chatting with/*playing on second life* while gaining weight and not doing any kitchen chores?
> No one has a husband that has put on as much weight as I have during a pregnancy and *plays second life* instead of trying to lose it?
> 
> wow!


I've never heard of "second life" ... what is that ?


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

Second Life is some kind of online world were people build their own reality. They exist in communities of their imagination and hang out with others and play and make an escape from their real world life. I'm not much of a fantasy online person myself, so I really don't have a better description than that.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Pablodiablo said:


> The biggest problem in my marriage is my wife!


Oh come on and if we heard her side of the story she would have nothing bad to say about you? Unlike the rest of us you have no faults.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm shocked more people didn't say money as that is the number one reason why people divorce. We don't fight about money as we have enough money as we make a good income but husband and I have different ideas about spending money. He is the free spirit and I'm more of the nerd. I'm big on security so I would rather have a large amount of money in the bank and I'm fine watching older TV's and driving a 13 year old car while hubby enjoys his tech gadgets, TV's and his new car. He is now planning on getting an Apple watch and he would be happy to get me one too but it doesn't interest me in the least. I grew up in a household where we never had enough money to pay the bills so I think that effects me today.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I'm shocked more people didn't say money as that is the number one reason why people divorce.


You are wrong, the number one reason is Facebook :grin2:


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## Pablodiablo (Jun 12, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Pablodiablo said:
> 
> 
> > The biggest problem in my marriage is my wife!
> ...


Lighten up it was meant to be tongue in cheek. I should have just been honest and said that my girlfriend was the biggest problem. BTW I do not have faults......they are more like quirks. 

I don't always pull my weight when it comes to division of household labor. My wife always has her phone in her face. ALWAYS! FB/texting/pinning...I get jealous, pull back, shut down, check out, quit helping. She gets mad I'm not helping so she resents me. I resent her. Vicious circle I guess.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I'm shocked more people didn't say money as that is the number one reason why people divorce. We don't fight about money as we have enough money as we make a good income but husband and I have different ideas about spending money. He is the free spirit and I'm more of the nerd. I'm big on security so I would rather have a large amount of money in the bank and I'm fine watching older TV's and driving a 13 year old car while hubby enjoys his tech gadgets, TV's and his new car. He is now planning on getting an Apple watch and he would be happy to get me one too but it doesn't interest me in the least. I grew up in a household where we never had enough money to pay the bills so I think that effects me today.


Well if I was still married money would have made my top mark. Like you pointed out your differences we had the same issue in our marriage. She would spend money like it grew on trees and I was a saver and a planner. We argued about this often but she refused to let me budget or even a lot of time know what our accounts were even doing. We communicated well, aside from money, had plenty of sex,shared at least some hobbies but money was the issue then. 

Because of that experience and because I have financial responsibilities to my children first if I were to marry again it would be separate accounts and prenup all the way.


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