# Ugh, I hate the best man



## Ggirl83 (Apr 9, 2014)

Ok, so my fiance (lets call him John) and I are getting married next spring. But I have a big problem: I hate his best man. His best friend is a snarky, sarcastic guy who I just can't stand, and the guy's wife is even worse. He is a very religious jew, and the wife is a former non-jew who converted. She is the most self-righteous pain in the a$$ you can imagine! She just had a kid a year ago, and is one of those moms who acts like she knows everything...she has decided to breastfeed until the kid is a toddler, so that MUST be right thing to do, and any mommy who doesn't choose to do that is neglectful. She only feeds the family "organic, all natural" food, so that makes her better than everyone else. She doesn't believe in vaccines, etc etc. You get the idea. Anyway, his best friend and the wife don't like me. I am a physician, and as I mentioned in a previous post, I earn quite a bit more than my fiance. I am a strong woman with strong opinions, and I am not at all religious (half jewish, all atheist). John is a reform Jew, and he essentially doesn't practice other than to appease his mother on the major holidays. However, when my fiance was single, this friend was bringing him to temple and Shabbat dinners filled with orthodox people, trying to find him a woman. When John first told him about me and said I was half Jewish, the friend responded with "well, I guess it's better than nothing." The guy has never shown me any respect since, and he has frequently made snarky posts on facebook. For instance, when I mentioned I was buying a new Audi, the guy posted "good luck with that, John." Basically, he was implying that I was just a greedy woman, looking to spend all my fiance's money. This is frankly a joke since I paid for the car and John is currently unemployed (MBA with 8 years of work experience, but made a bad choice accepting a job that wasn't a good fit, and just got fired). Obviously his friend is very attached to traditional gender roles, which I oppose. In another post, he told John he would "try to be the best man I can be, but the bar is set real low." Nice! Also, his friend advised John against letting me move in with him before the wedding. He said that I would just be a "roommate" and not a "partner." He also sited some religious literature showing higher divorce rates for couples who lived together first...which is just bogus! We moved in together anyway, but I know John took to heart was was said. The truth is, his friend doesn't want him to marry me. 

What really annoys me is John is always defending him. I guess he was supportive and offered John a shoulder to lean on when he was single and lonely. So John feels very bonded to him. John tends to get very attached to people who show him kindness and are inclusive, even if overall they aren't great people. His friend's wife really dislikes me because I represent traditional medicine and science, and I am not going to cover myself up in a shroud and defer to my husband. But John has even demonstrated an affinity for her...he called her a beautiful woman. He signed the ketuba at their wedding, and continues to state that was the "best moment of his life." The truth is, I have enough anxiety and insecurity about being a bride and throwing a wedding as it is, the last thing I need is people there who disapprove of me. But I know John would choose his friend over my feelings any day. He even told me once that criticizing him in any ways was "off limits." Sigh, what to do?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm curious (and this is a serious question). What do you respect about your husband?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ok, i'll bite.

Your values and his best friends values are so different.

What are your finace's values? That's the only thing that matters.

If you are woman who is opposed to traditional gender roles, you have to be super careful about choosing a husband. I see red flags that he is weak already. Strong woman + weak man = horrible marrriage.

It's odd that a man would be attracted to a woman with one set of core values and a best friend with another set of core values

But the bottom line is this. A man who does not stand up for his woman will make a terrible husband. He himself will be miserable. The only reason these people treat you this way is because your man allows it. I would seriously reconsider marraige to him. Yes, it's that important.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You are marrying John not his friends. Doesn't sound like you respect them and they don't respect you. If you're unwilling the bury that hatchet then at min you should just smile and be accepting of his friend. He is being defensive about him because it's clear you don't like him. I wouldn't let the dislike you have over his friend come between you two because that's a real possibility here.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

It almost seems like he is their child/they are his parents vs "friends".

These are not friends either, they are toxic PEOPLE in his life that try to force their way onto others.

I would address this issue BEFORE even THINKING about marrying this guy. 

I don't mind listening to people's opinion/advice, but all of the above seems rather extreme/forceful/over the top.

I would sit down with your husband and simply tell him how you feel about this "friendship". If he is incapable of making decisions on his own without any external influence/following others........I would lay the hammer down and say it's over.

Do you feel that you are his #1 person on this planet OP? If you even get a HINT of "no" I would tell you to immediately put the marriage plans on hold.

My wife is #1. Friends....they are very low on my "the most important people in my life" list. I'm talking like #15-20 or something. But at the same time, I'm not big on friends.....

Friends come and go, family is FOREVER.



Hicks said:


> But the bottom line is this. A man who does not stand up for his woman will make a terrible husband. He himself will be miserable. The only reason these people treat you this way is because your man allows it. I would seriously reconsider marraige to him. Yes, it's that important.


Agreed


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Ggirl83 said:


> Ok, so my fiance (lets call him John) and I are getting married next spring. But I have a big problem: I hate his best man. His best friend is a snarky, sarcastic guy who I just can't stand, and the guy's wife is even worse. He is a very religious jew, and the wife is a former non-jew who converted. She is the most self-righteous pain in the a$$ you can imagine! She just had a kid a year ago, and is one of those moms who acts like she knows everything...she has decided to breastfeed until the kid is a toddler, so that MUST be right thing to do, and any mommy who doesn't choose to do that is neglectful. She only feeds the family "organic, all natural" food, so that makes her better than everyone else. She doesn't believe in vaccines, etc etc. You get the idea. Anyway, his best friend and the wife don't like me. I am a physician, and as I mentioned in a previous post, I earn quite a bit more than my fiance. I am a strong woman with strong opinions, and I am not at all religious (half jewish, all atheist). John is a reform Jew, and he essentially doesn't practice other than to appease his mother on the major holidays. However, when my fiance was single, this friend was bringing him to temple and Shabbat dinners filled with orthodox people, trying to find him a woman. When John first told him about me and said I was half Jewish, the friend responded with "well, I guess it's better than nothing." The guy has never shown me any respect since, and he has frequently made snarky posts on facebook. For instance, when I mentioned I was buying a new Audi, the guy posted "good luck with that, John." Basically, he was implying that I was just a greedy woman, looking to spend all my fiance's money. This is frankly a joke since I paid for the car and John is currently unemployed (MBA with 8 years of work experience, but made a bad choice accepting a job that wasn't a good fit, and just got fired). Obviously his friend is very attached to traditional gender roles, which I oppose. In another post, he told John he would "try to be the best man I can be, but the bar is set real low." Nice! Also, his friend advised John against letting me move in with him before the wedding. He said that I would just be a "roommate" and not a "partner." He also sited some religious literature showing higher divorce rates for couples who lived together first...which is just bogus! We moved in together anyway, but I know John took to heart was was said. The truth is, his friend doesn't want him to marry me.
> 
> What really annoys me is John is always defending him. I guess he was supportive and offered John a shoulder to lean on when he was single and lonely. So John feels very bonded to him. John tends to get very attached to people who show him kindness and are inclusive, even if overall they aren't great people. His friend's wife really dislikes me because I represent traditional medicine and science, and I am not going to cover myself up in a shroud and defer to my husband. But John has even demonstrated an affinity for her...he called her a beautiful woman. He signed the ketuba at their wedding, and continues to state that was the "best moment of his life." The truth is, I have enough anxiety and insecurity about being a bride and throwing a wedding as it is, the last thing I need is people there who disapprove of me. But I know John would choose his friend over my feelings any day. He even told me once that criticizing him in any ways was "off limits." Sigh, what to do?


Where does this best friend live and where do you live? 

How often will you be seeing them when you get married?

If you are going to be seeing these people more than a couple of times a year, you better get your feelings out in the open before any marriage occurs. 

If I had a 'best friend' who didn't approve of my marriage, he would soon become a 'former best friend'. 

Your husband needs to prove that you are #1 in his life and you need to know that he feels that way.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

^^Yep

In general, I found that people that put their friends up high on their "life priority" are usually not the best candidates for marriage (quite the opposite).

This thread is a good example of that.

I also think that many people overuse the word "friend". To me, friend is someone very special/important and MOST people will be lucky to find HANDFUL of REAL friends in their life.

Clearly, OP's SO's people are NOT friends. Just people that try to sway him/dictate him towards their own ways at all cost.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Ggirl83 said:


> But I know John would choose his friend over my feelings any day. He even told me once that criticizing him in any ways was "off limits." Sigh, what to do?


Who cares about the best man and his wife? THIS ^^ is the biggest problem you have.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

_In general, I found that people that put their friends up high on their "life priority" are usually not the best candidates for marriage (quite the opposite)._

This is a broad statement to say. For some friends can be a replacement for family and provide things to someone that others cannot so there will be reason to be close. You can pick and choose your friends you can’t family so sometimes it’s a better deal. I have a significant amount of close friends and never thought it made me a lesser candidate to be married. 

OP, you really need to talk with your fiancé about how you feel and get this worked out before it gets worse. Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

> For instance, when I mentioned I was buying a new Audi, the guy posted "good luck with that, John." Basically, he was implying that I was just a greedy woman, looking to spend all my fiance's money. This is frankly a joke since I paid for the car and John is currently unemployed


You're reading too much into things.

You're a physician? Where the hell is your self confidence? Where is your self assurance? How do you become a physician and not be assured about yourself?

You really over react to things...


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I would not generalize about people attached to friends. Marriage changes things. I would guess that all of us leaned more on friends before we were married, and that most of us became a little more distant from our friends and closer to our spouses after.

As for the situation at hand, have you actually talked to your fiance about your feelings? Not in an accusatory way ("I hate this guy!" "How could you pick him?!") but just in an open, calm way -- "You know, I feel like your friends haven't been very welcoming to me, and it makes me a little uncomfortable that he's going to be your best man." 

I also hear some insecurity here on your part -- I don't know how much of that is just the time (being on the verge of marriage), but you seem to really worry a lot about what these people think of you. I've noticed that a lot of times when a person dislikes another person for "thinking they're better than me" there's an insecurity behind that -- "I'm afraid I'm not good enough for them." 

Ultimately it's your fiance that's marrying you, and his choices and opinions are what matters, not his friends. Do you doubt that he loves you and wants to marry you? I don't blame you for not wanting a best man who acts a little dubious about your marriage, but maybe he's just the sarcastic type (and maybe he's even a little jealous of your relationship) and he'll let go by the wedding.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Ggirl83 said:


> Ok, so my fiance (lets call him John) and I are getting married next spring. But I have a big problem: I hate his best man. His best friend is a snarky, sarcastic guy who I just can't stand, and the guy's wife is even worse. He is a very religious jew, and the wife is a former non-jew who converted. She is the most self-righteous pain in the a$$ you can imagine! She just had a kid a year ago, and is one of those moms who acts like she knows everything...she has decided to breastfeed until the kid is a toddler, so that MUST be right thing to do, and any mommy who doesn't choose to do that is neglectful. She only feeds the family "organic, all natural" food, so that makes her better than everyone else. She doesn't believe in vaccines, etc etc. You get the idea. Anyway, his best friend and the wife don't like me. I am a physician, and as I mentioned in a previous post, I earn quite a bit more than my fiance. I am a strong woman with strong opinions, and I am not at all religious (half jewish, all atheist). John is a reform Jew, and he essentially doesn't practice other than to appease his mother on the major holidays. However, when my fiance was single, this friend was bringing him to temple and Shabbat dinners filled with orthodox people, trying to find him a woman. When John first told him about me and said I was half Jewish, the friend responded with "well, I guess it's better than nothing." The guy has never shown me any respect since, and he has frequently made snarky posts on facebook. For instance, when I mentioned I was buying a new Audi, the guy posted "good luck with that, John." Basically, he was implying that I was just a greedy woman, looking to spend all my fiance's money. This is frankly a joke since I paid for the car and John is currently unemployed (MBA with 8 years of work experience, but made a bad choice accepting a job that wasn't a good fit, and just got fired). Obviously his friend is very attached to traditional gender roles, which I oppose. In another post, he told John he would "try to be the best man I can be, but the bar is set real low." Nice! Also, his friend advised John against letting me move in with him before the wedding. He said that I would just be a "roommate" and not a "partner." He also sited some religious literature showing higher divorce rates for couples who lived together first...which is just bogus! We moved in together anyway, but I know John took to heart was was said. The truth is, his friend doesn't want him to marry me.
> 
> What really annoys me is John is always defending him. I guess he was supportive and offered John a shoulder to lean on when he was single and lonely. So John feels very bonded to him. John tends to get very attached to people who show him kindness and are inclusive, even if overall they aren't great people. His friend's wife really dislikes me because I represent traditional medicine and science, and I am not going to cover myself up in a shroud and defer to my husband. But John has even demonstrated an affinity for her...he called her a beautiful woman. He signed the ketuba at their wedding, and continues to state that was the "best moment of his life." The truth is, I have enough anxiety and insecurity about being a bride and throwing a wedding as it is, the last thing I need is people there who disapprove of me. But I know John would choose his friend over my feelings any day. He even told me once that criticizing him in any ways was "off limits." Sigh, what to do?


If you are confident in your decision to marry this man, then anyone else's opinion(other than your fiance) should not matter. There are always going to be people you disagree with or dislike, but you learn to be respectful and tolerate their presence. Your fiance knew this guy before you were together, so the least you can do is stop constantly degrading him/criticizing him. I'm sure if your fiance made fun of a friend you really care about, you would be defensive, too. As for the wife, people parent all different sorts of ways. It's not any direct 'insult' to you, it's just how she wants to parent. I do things certain ways with my son and I know many other moms who choose to do things differently. Not a big deal. 

Have you talked to your fiance(openly, without being rude/critical) about how you feel?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Eagle3 said:


> _In general, I found that people that put their friends up high on their "life priority" are usually not the best candidates for marriage (quite the opposite)._
> 
> This is a broad statement to say. For some friends can be a replacement for family and provide things to someone that others cannot so there will be reason to be close. You can pick and choose your friends you can’t family so sometimes it’s a better deal. I have a significant amount of close friends and never thought it made me a lesser candidate to be married.


It is broad and just based on my experience. 

It comes down to:
a) what kind of friends you have (good or bad)
b) how much emphasis you put on friends aka how important they are in ones life.

Good friends can be BETTER than family, but again GOOD friends are extremely hard to find.

And if you put more time into your friendships vs relationships, yes it will make you a lesser candidate/harder to find someone special.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

My husband kicked his best friend off the property and out of our lives. I would do that too, if my best friend was stupid that way.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

I remember your Last thread and you still very doubtful about marrying him.The additional information you provided here doesn't look like it changes the situation much.It seems he is more religious than he claims to be and as for his statement about his friend is "off limits"that is bs .you are entitled to your opinion.As for his friends saying you are spending his money,he has no job and you do,so I guess it is you're money you being spent.it is none of his business.You obviously have doubts about going forward with this marriage and there is probably reason for your doubts.If you posted twice here about your doubts,I think you know your answer.Good luck with your decision.


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