# Irritating Husband



## natmaxtor60 (Jan 6, 2022)

So my husband is irritating me when initiating sex. We are both in our late fifties with two children who are ages 18 and 16 (still living at home). We both are working from home due to the pandemic. So there is some flexibility in our schedules. I am post menopausal and husband has a high sex drive. 

My husband knows that my sex drive is not the same as his due to my post menopause. I take a topical HRT treatment and it works well for keeping things in working order- except I have a tiny libido. I have tried taking bio-dentical HRT with testosterone (my labs showed my testosterone as very low). I have tried it several times actually and each time, it throws my body into a state of severe anxiety (panic attacks, upset stomach, not able to drive or function). I'm not sure if it would have improved if I would have kept trying to take it, but I couldn't deal with it and it was making me feel awful. 

So I'm doing the best that I can with trying to accomodate his desires as best as I know how. We are averaging sex 2-3 times per 7-10 days. He also has toys he can use to help relieve himself as well. 

So last night I slept very poorly. Sometimes I have nights like this. I was tired today and pushing myself to just get by. Tonight, I envisioned just sitting down for dinner by the tv and relaxing. I was outside putting trash in our dumpsters, and dear husband followed me outside to tell me he wanted me to rush and eat my dinner so we could have time to go upstairs. So I ate extremely fast while he sat and played cards online (he had eaten dinner already).

So then he wanted to watch a one hour tv show. So we did. Then, at 11:20, he announces he's ready for us to go upstairs, but he wants to be in bed at midnight. Now granted, he's not talking about sleeping. He wants to be in bed so he can read his iphone for about 30 min to 1 hour. He does this every single night before bed. 

Now it takes me a while to warm up. Especially without any flirting or foreplay ahead of time. We get into the bedroom, and he is ready to insert it immediately. No warming me up, no kissing, etc. He wants to rush it along in order to get back to his phone routine in bed. So we try. I'm of course not ready, so he's huffing and puffing. He offers me one of my toys to get it ready. It doesn't work. I try and try, but I feel on a time crunch. We try having intercourse several times, but to no avail. I ask him why he's not kissing me, and he says he tried already and I turned away (a blatant lie). I'm sorry- but he can just pleasure himself with his hand if this is all he wants??!! I don't understand what his deal is. I feel used.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Hello,
Its time for you to deny if he cannot warm you up. If you can do anything to satisfy him then its should be the same from his side as well.
Yes, its more pleasurable with kissing and foreplay before hitting straight to intercourse.

Does he feel its a waste of time to foreplay ?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I honestly feel sorry for you. You have put forth a large effort with treatments and even with multiple try’s when they had terrible side effects. Tons of men out there in the world would kill for a woman putting forth 1/4 what you have done.

Your husband is a selfish pig and an even worse lover .... if the word lover can even be used. My wife isn’t even starting menopause and she would never put up with that kind of treatment from me.

Put your vagina on lock down until you can slap him around some until he understands he sucks in bed.


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

natmaxtor60 said:


> So my husband is irritating me when initiating sex. We are both in our late fifties with two children who are ages 18 and 16 (still living at home). We both are working from home due to the pandemic. So there is some flexibility in our schedules. I am post menopausal and husband has a high sex drive.
> 
> My husband knows that my sex drive is not the same as his due to my post menopause. I take a topical HRT treatment and it works well for keeping things in working order- except I have a tiny libido. I have tried taking bio-dentical HRT with testosterone (my labs showed my testosterone as very low). I have tried it several times actually and each time, it throws my body into a state of severe anxiety (panic attacks, upset stomach, not able to drive or function). I'm not sure if it would have improved if I would have kept trying to take it, but I couldn't deal with it and it was making me feel awful.
> 
> ...


Your story is an example, why I believe a lot of women who withdraw from sex when they get older do it due to never really having been pleased by men.

A lot of women might never had an orgasm without knowing it and therefore might resignate as they assume it is not worth it.
Or they never had an orgams while with a man at least. Therefore their brain doesn't wire in a way where sex is important to them in the long run.

I think a lot of men can't please a women properly without knowing. Not all!
This is not a 'I hate men' post.

Your example is a good example. You seem to be willing to have sex, but the setting is absolutely putting you off.
It doesn't sound like your hormones are the main issue.
It sounds like your husband doesn't trigger you.
Even worse, he is turning you off. Literally by pressuring you into eating quickly for him to keep up with his schedule.

That has nothing to do with erotic. It is the opposite. You are not a dog.

I really suspect a lot of women seem not to consider that we also get sexually excited by visual stimuli like men do.

But we are living in a world that puts men pleasure first and not those of women.

We are told that we have to be the seductive person. That we have to be attractive and arouse men with our looks.

But men don't have to put the same effort into sexuality, thanks to gender roles.

Your husband treats you like an object. You are just a hole he wants to use. Like in porn.

Demand him to become a proper lover.
Also investigate yourself what you want in bed.
Maybe your husband could put on something you find sexy.
I love uniform for example and I know that it is relatively common in women.
A man in uniform is to me the euqivalent to a women in lingery to a men.

Don't you have something like this too?

You can't depend your whole life just on the birth suite of your husband.
He has to give you some new triggers as well every now and then.
And toys are also not the same. I mean natural sexual triggers like the appearance or the smell of the other person you have sex with.

Don't critisize yourself. I don't see you is the problem.

Why do you have to take hormons? Again to please your man? Why is he not working on himself.

Here also plays medicine a role, that tries to tell women that they need to change to meet the needs of men.

But the medicine clearly a men dominated field. It doesn't consider that there is an issue with the man.

Maybe he needs some hormon treatment to make him a better lover.
But science won't investigate this as it is men made and men will blame women for being the problem and not normal.

I bet you don't need hormones. You need excitement.

Maybe as a young women with hire hormon levels we are so h**** that we are more desperate to tolerate sex that isn't fully sadisfying us.
But with lower levels it might not be triggering some women so easily if we are not pleased with the end result.

But maybe if the end result is giving you some real extasy your brain may rewire and start seeking sex more often.

You are not dead. The hormones are still there.
Hence, you should still have the ability to be interessted in sex. But the circumstances might need to change.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

What a selfish man...


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## natmaxtor60 (Jan 6, 2022)

Yes this is correct. He doesn’t do anything extra to please me. Never goes downtown. Never much kissing- he tries but pokes me with his nose. He is extremely anal about his schedule. It’s always rushy rushy to the end result. I take hormones because I started having atrophy down below which was causing me to have discomfort just sitting in a chair. Couldn’t deal with that. Also had tons of night sweats and sleep issues which are better. I just wish he would put quality over quantity and stop with the rush sessions. I explained to him last night that my body doesn’t work like that anymore and he just stared at me like he’s in disbelief or something.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

natmaxtor60 said:


> Yes this is correct. He doesn’t do anything extra to please me. Never goes downtown. Never much kissing- he tries but pokes me with his nose. He is extremely anal about his schedule. It’s always rushy rushy to the end result. I take hormones because I started having atrophy down below which was causing me to have discomfort just sitting in a chair. Couldn’t deal with that. Also had tons of night sweats and sleep issues which are better. I just wish he would put quality over quantity and stop with the rush sessions.  I explained to him last night that my body doesn’t work like that anymore and he just stared at me like he’s in disbelief or something.


Your husband is irritating you because he's doing something that he doesn't know irritates you? Have a talk with him, explain everything you wrote in this thread, and see if he's willing to try.

Your first post made it seem like you were taking the hormones for him, but it was really for you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

natmaxtor60 said:


> Yes this is correct. He doesn’t do anything extra to please me. Never goes downtown. Never much kissing- he tries but pokes me with his nose. He is extremely anal about his schedule. It’s always rushy rushy to the end result. I take hormones because I started having atrophy down below which was causing me to have discomfort just sitting in a chair. Couldn’t deal with that. Also had tons of night sweats and sleep issues which are better. I just wish he would put quality over quantity and stop with the rush sessions. I explained to him last night that my body doesn’t work like that anymore and he just stared at me like he’s in disbelief or something.


Have you expressed all this to your husband? His actions described here are very selfish and not how a good mutually enjoyable sex life should work. Does he really know what you want and need to get enjoyment out of sex too? How deeply have you actually discussed this with him?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

natmaxtor60 said:


> I'm sorry- but he can just pleasure himself with his hand if this is all he wants??!! I don't understand what his deal is. I feel used.


In my marriage historically when it would come time to have sex, I would immediately respond with arousal and be ready for sex. My wife (basically having done nothing to arouse me) would complain that I somehow got myself worked up and proceed to get frustrated that I would be moving too fast.

So what was my deal? Well throughout my whole life I had been accustomed to masturbating before going to sleep. It was part of a routine that I had conditioned my body to expect as a way to relax and help go to sleep. My wife was correct in that my arousal was not associated directly with anything she had done to get me aroused. This type of behavior was very disconnecting for us and caused a great deal of frustration. She would end up rejecting me and the subsequent stress from that would completely throw everything off for me and I would become unbearable for the next few days (which compounded the problems). 

Yes you are correct that your husband can take care of his routine on his own. However it should be done in a way that is nondestructive with his emotional connection with you in that he still needs to feel accepted. So a few questions:

Have you ever objected to him using erotic media as a way to stimulate himself? If so, he could be ashamed of doing this with your knowledge. 

Have the two of you ever engaged in mutual masturbation? If not, he may feel uncomfortable pleasuring himself with your knowledge. 

Have the two of you ever tried role play? If not, you should as a means to explore alternate dynamics that could be both fun and beneficial. A good example might be to pretend again that you are just dating and that sex has not yet occurred, but you have been exploring other ways to enjoy one another without going all the way. Perhaps create that fantasy and ask to relive it for a week. Use that to gradually warm up your oven and then let loose on him after a week for him only being allowed various forms of outercourse. 

My point here is that you want to explore new and fun ways as a couple to allow his sexuality to express itself in ways that still make him feel excepted, but perhaps give you a rest from a routine that has become emotionally and physically unsettling. Find a way to transform his desire for you into a compliment that you can enjoy without expectations to perform for him. Find ways to encourage this to happen by perhaps being flirtatious with him during moments when sex is not possible. Perhaps find clever ways to make him loose his sh!t and have to take care of his business all on his own because he can't wait until later by teasing the crap out of him when sex is not possible (as in you are about to leave to go grocery shopping and you need coconut oil to explore Nuru message with him, and you send him a link to some erotic media that demonstrates said message just as you leave, but then you preemptively planned to have guests over when you get home and he will have to wait!).

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

He'll be here next week complaining about the lack of sex and they'll tell him to divorce you.

Perception is everything. Your husband is a lousy lover. I know you've tried talking with him during. Have you tried talking before. Like he let you know he wanted to have sex that night. You were agreeable. Don't sit on the couch. I know he wanted to watch a show but don't simple look right at him and say if you want sex let's do that now so you can take your time. Can you sit beside him on the couch and encourage him to rub you then?

If he is playing on his phone in bed that can effect your sleep as well.

Or set performance goals. When is the last time you orgasmed during sex?

Let him know you'll have sex whenever he wants but when he falls below 50% of the time you orgasming then you won't be having sex anymore. Make sure he knows what you like. If needed write him a letter. Tell him he can expect sex to take 1 hour. That you need a minimum of 20 minute warm up. Tell him the things he needs to do and things that he doesn't need to do. Like if grabbing your breasts do nothing for you let him know. It is apparent he never knew or doesn't remember how to be a good lover.

I think this happens more often than people admit. We usually get the men here complaining their wife no longer wants sex.

Make sure you aren't faking an orgasm. He needs proper feedback.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


natmaxtor60 said:



My husband knows that my sex drive is not the same as his due to my post menopause. I take a topical HRT treatment and it works well for keeping things in working order- except I have a tiny libido. I have tried taking bio-dentical HRT with testosterone (my labs showed my testosterone as very low). I have tried it several times actually and each time, it throws my body into a state of severe anxiety (panic attacks, upset stomach, not able to drive or function). I'm not sure if it would have improved if I would have kept trying to take it, but I couldn't deal with it and it was making me feel awful.

Click to expand...

*Stop risking your health just because your highly-sexed husband needs you to want to have with him all the time. No hormones on EARTH would make any woman want to be with this selfish POS from what you wrote about how he sucks in bed (and not in a good way). What a POS.

*



So last night I slept very poorly. Sometimes I have nights like this. I was tired today and pushing myself to just get by. Tonight, I envisioned just sitting down for dinner by the tv and relaxing. I was outside putting trash in our dumpsters, and dear husband followed me outside to tell me he wanted me to rush and eat my dinner so we could have time to go upstairs.

Click to expand...

*So the lazy ass couldn't be bothered to bring the garbage out HIMSELF but he had the energy to go out there while YOU were doing it so he could tell you he needs to be serviced. He's quite the catch you got there.

*



So I ate extremely fast while he sat and played cards online (he had eaten dinner already).

Click to expand...

*Do yourself a favor and stop acting like a damned trained seal, always at the ready and wanting to service him. Honestly, FIND your dignity.

Do you realize you spent your whole damned NIGHT like a good little lap dog, just *waiting *to serve him? Unreal.

*



I don't understand what his deal is. I feel used.

Click to expand...

*The *only* one you should be mad at is YOURSELF, for continually pandering to this ass-hole and staying with him. I would have tossed his worthless ass out the door YEARS ago.

Find your dignity and find your self respect.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

You go over and beyond for him. He should be lucky to have you. You, however, need a backbone.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

natmaxtor60 said:


> Yes this is correct. He doesn’t do anything extra to please me. Never goes downtown. Never much kissing- he tries but pokes me with his nose. He is extremely anal about his schedule. It’s always rushy rushy to the end result. I take hormones because I started having atrophy down below which was causing me to have discomfort just sitting in a chair. Couldn’t deal with that. Also had tons of night sweats and sleep issues which are better. I just wish he would put quality over quantity and stop with the rush sessions. I explained to him last night that my body doesn’t work like that anymore and he just stared at me like he’s in disbelief or something.


It sounds like the two of you could use some good marriage counseling to adjust your schedules, insure you both schedule intimacy, sensuality, and sex into your lives. Good luck. You both need to figure out compromises for what is not working.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

natmaxtor60 said:


> So my husband is irritating me when initiating sex. We are both in our late fifties with two children who are ages 18 and 16 (still living at home). We both are working from home due to the pandemic. So there is some flexibility in our schedules. I am post menopausal and husband has a high sex drive.
> 
> My husband knows that my sex drive is not the same as his due to my post menopause. I take a topical HRT treatment and it works well for keeping things in working order- except I have a tiny libido. I have tried taking bio-dentical HRT with testosterone (my labs showed my testosterone as very low). I have tried it several times actually and each time, it throws my body into a state of severe anxiety (panic attacks, upset stomach, not able to drive or function). I'm not sure if it would have improved if I would have kept trying to take it, but I couldn't deal with it and it was making me feel awful.
> 
> ...


You're going to have to make him aware of some boundaries and let him know that you're not just a receptacle that's ready to accept his penis at the drop of a hat. I'm glad you asked why he wasn't kissing you. You need to sit him down when you're not trying to do it and tell him you're not a machine and that you still are a woman and require foreplay and now that you're menopausal even more than usual. Otherwise there sure isn't much in it for you is there?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi nat,
I have to agree with the others. You're bending backwards and doing too much to please a man who doesn't seem bothered to please you. I'd definitely recommend a heart-to-heart about your sex life and get some help. No kissing??? You're not a prostitute to stick it in and cum when he's ready. He does sound like a lazy, selfish ****er (can't make myself say lover, sorry).


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## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

Has sex always been like this with him? Or is this something newer in your marriage?

Either way, it's not your fault, and I'm not suggesting that at all. But, it would be in your best interest to communicate with him, especially if this is newer behaviour.

If it's always been like this, then I'm not sure what to say. Again - not your fault. However, something could have been said along the way? It's not too late, hopefully, though he does sound stuck in his ways. Personally, I take constructive criticism well, especially from my wife, and I very rarely get butt-hurt from it. Many people do, however 



natmaxtor60 said:


> Yes this is correct. He doesn’t do anything extra to please me. Never goes downtown. Never much kissing- he tries but pokes me with his nose. He is extremely anal about his schedule. It’s always rushy rushy to the end result. I take hormones because I started having atrophy down below which was causing me to have discomfort just sitting in a chair. Couldn’t deal with that. Also had tons of night sweats and sleep issues which are better. I just wish he would put quality over quantity and stop with the rush sessions. I explained to him last night that my body doesn’t work like that anymore and he just stared at me like he’s in disbelief or something.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

What if you initiate? I know that some women don't or seldom do, but if you take charge that may be a good thing. At your pace, etc. He may be turned on. And tell him to lose the phone at bedtime.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Longtime Hubby said:


> What if you initiate? I know that some women don't or seldom do, but if you take charge that may be a good thing. At your pace, etc. He may be turned on. And tell him to lose the phone at bedtime.


To get more of that? Blegh.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> To get more of that? Blegh.


Well if she takes charge and initiates as a tease and denial mistress, she can get aggressive and insist on no penetration or orgasms for him for a month. A woman that initiates and takes charge CAN get what she wants!

Or she could take a different path.... There is one lady on Reddit that discovered a sure fire way to induce premature ejaculation with anyone she wants. She enjoys boyfriends bragging about stamina and it thrills her to no end to make him feel humiliated to the point he can't even get it in. This person in particular does not disclose that she has developed a kink for accomplishing this with her partners. The techniques she described for accomplishing it was so counterintuitive as she portrays herself as trying to help her boyfriend last longer but she knows it will have the opposite effect. Based on everything I know, what she described seemed pretty legit! 

Just say'n!

So perhaps the OP may want to read up on how to initiate and get what she wants.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Time to be really honest with him.

Tell he says he wants sex with you, but his actions show he doesn't.

He just wants to put it in and have it be over with.

He doesn't care about your wants and needs.

Tell him you won't just be a masturbatory aide to him just so he can get his rocks off.

Tell him you're appalled at him being OK with simply using you just so he can get off.

It needs to be a two way street and you're having plenty of sex with him compared to a huge majority of people, not to mention at your ages.

Many 30 somethings don't have sex that much.

He isn't being kind, loving, caring, supportive and such of your needs, of your situation etc. He's being selfish.

You need to set better boundaries with him regarding this.




natmaxtor60 said:


> We get into the bedroom, and he is ready to insert it immediately. No warming me up, no kissing, etc. He wants to rush it along in order to get back to his phone routine in bed. So we try. I'm of course not ready, so he's huffing and puffing. He offers me one of my toys to get it ready. It doesn't work.


That should not have happened. You should never allow that to happen again. He'll either care about your body, your wants and needs and he'll take the steps to "warm" you up or the two of you won't have sex.

I hate being this blunt, but WHY should he change?

He's getting what he wants. You have sex with him like this, under these circumstances.

It's all about him, his wants and needs and he doesn't care about yours. His actions prove this.

It's your decision whether you'll allow this to continue going forward or not.


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