# My husbands had an affair HELP ????



## Heart0101 (Oct 24, 2012)

Hi I have been with my Husband for 15 years married for 8 im 33 years old he is 42. he had to tell me last thursday that he had been having an affair as he had ended with his mistress and she had told him if you finish with me I will tell your wife- (she was at my door late that night when he then told me.)

he stated that they had been friends at first coffee here and there about 7 months ago then over the last 3 months they had become more than friends. this was not somebody he worked with it was a parent at our daughters school from a different year may I add.

He has told me how stupid he was how sorry etc, he also said he wants to be with me he was just whipped into a whirlwind and didnt realize what he was doing till it was too late!!!

He cheated on his previous relationship but left her for me 15 years ago after 2 years of infidelity with her with different women, and I can say the last 14 years I have had no concerns of his fidelity...but over the last 6 months i Knew something was wrong.

He wants to work at our marriage etc.....he is still at home we have 2 children and I feel that I owe it to them and my home to try and repair this.....BUT how do I ???

I can not stop thinking about what he has done.... the deceit of all things is hurting me the most....

I am very hurt right now and have been sleeping separate from him since he told me we have talked and I have stated im not sure how im feeling, and cant promise that we will be happy in the future.......I just dont know how im going to get through this????

Has anyone dealt with this...............???? Can any one offer me some support or advice?????.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Hang in there. Has he written a no contact letter to the OW? If not have him do so immediately. Also he must be completely transparent with you... meaning allow you access to phone, FB, emails, ect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Oh, unfortunately there are quite a few of us who have dealt with this.

First things first. You are right to tell him that you're not sure how you're feeling. That is probably the best thing you could have done instead of just saying "Okay, we'll work on it". The deception is probably the hardest thing to get over. In the end, the lies are what kills a marriage after infidelity, IMO.

I wouldn't however, accept his lame excuse that he was whipped into a whirlwind. Obviously, this has been going on for some time and I'd say that's just minimizing his actions. He was looking for an ego feed. Period. 

Were you one of the women he cheated with when he was with his wife?

As for the other woman, is she married or in a relationship? If so, you need to expose her to her husband/bf. That is going to be one of the other ways to ensure that the affair is over. Also, sounds like a bunny boiler with the threat to tell you if he broke it off. 

Anyway, sorry you're here. I would definitely suggest individual counseling for both of you.


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## Heart0101 (Oct 24, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heart0101 (Oct 24, 2012)

Yes i was the other woman but I didn't know at first he told me he was single and living with his nan.... It wasn't until his sister told me that I knew and then he had already left her i was young and nieve at the time ! as far as I'm aware she doesn't have a bf or husband just thought she could have mine she new he was married as our daughters play with each other I didn't know her until that night and only met her in passing ....he was still lying to me until the other night about the details as he thought I was a fool and would believe that he hadn't slept with her.... I feel better now he has told some truth but I still can't believe that he's told me everything.....

Do people actually have a stronger marriage after something like this ?????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Stronger Marriage? Some say yes, some never recover.

Someone once said on a Thread " If you marry a man who has cheated on his wife, you are married to a man who will cheat on his wife." You did know that going into the marriage and unless your husband had an ephiany his moral character as still when the opportunity presented itself and the conditions were right, he was going to cheat.

The questions are:

1. Is your husband actually showing TRUE Remorse over what he has done.

2. Is he willing to do the HEAVY lifting to improve the new marriage or is he wanting you just to Forgive an Forget.

Unless you get the appropriate answers to 1 and 2, you are kidding yourself and need to move forward to a life W/O the cheating S__M Bag of a Husband.

Sorry


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## Heart0101 (Oct 24, 2012)

He did and does show remorse he has said himself that he is a scumbag .... And he is willing to do the heavy work as you put it but I think he knows I will never forgive and he would like to carry on with normal life as soon as possible .... I'm struggling to find awAy to try and forget it for us to move on will this become easier ???? Will I ever forgive ???? Will I ever trust him again ???

And yes I know once a cheat always a cheat but we had a different relation ship she was a bit psycho he was very unhappy and trapped with children straight away .... But like I said to him a leopard never changes his spots but he said he hadn't done it before and this shows there was something wrong in our marriage the only thing I see that was wrong was we had become too comfortable with each other we hardly argued and got in we'll most if the time maybe we were just friends ???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Heart, so sorry you are here, but I think you will get valuable support from posters who have experienced similar things.

Get the bot of you tested for STDs.

I take it that OW is single, otherwise you must expose to her spouse as well.

Make sure that there is 100% transparency between the two of you. Every single account, password, schedule etc. must be out in the open. 
This will help you determine if there is more secrets to discover - could there be more than this one affair? Why did he break it up with her? It will also help keeping your husband accountable to you.

Does he seem to sorry he got caught or sorry for hurting you? Unfortunately he seems to be a serial cheater, which is the worst to deal with. Highly likely to repeat the offense unless he changes dramatically, searches his mind to learn the exact why, examine his core beliefs and work on himself for the better.

In the meantime, You must work on yourself as well. Seek counselling if possible. You need to believe in your mind and gut, that this has absolutely nothing to do with you! It's all on him.

Your husband must do whatever it takes for you to heal from this if you are to succeed, and you need to communicate a lot.

Do marriages get stronger? Hmm... I don't know about that. They definitely transforms into something different. There will no longer be unconditional trust (good or bad?), you will probably always have doubts, small or large, about his love for you. On the positive side, you will probably have your blinders removed and see things more clear - just the way they are, without fooling yourself.

Take your time to decide in your mind whether you are going to stay with him or you should kick him out. But if you feel like it, it could be a good idea to make him move, so he realizes that there are consequences when he messes with you.

Hang in there, post when you feel the need for support.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

"Something wrong with your marriage" Gosh, lets rugsweep and find something else to blame.

1. He chose the easy route, find another woman who he could have sex with and take her out and show her the affection he should have been showing his wife. Maybe if he did this there would not have been "Something wrong with his marriage" He is showing true signs of being a S_ _ M Bag and not taking responsibiity.

Reconciliation will not work until he understands that there was not "Something wrong witht his Marriage" but there is indeed something wrong with Him.

Is your husband always Blame shifting and do you let him? Unless this changes you are up from some extreme Hurt emotionally in the future.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Heart0101 said:


> And yes I know once a cheat always a cheat but we had a different relation ship she was a bit psycho he was very unhappy and trapped with children straight away ....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How do you know this?? Did his ex wife tell you that??? If it came from him, then you should be well aware he said some pretty horrible things about you to the OW this time around.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

"_And he is willing to do the heavy work as you put it but I think he knows I will never forgive and he would like to carry on with normal life as soon as possible_"

_He would love for life to carry on as normal_.... This is rugs-weeping 101. Infidelity profoundly changes everything. Your marriage will never be the same after infidelity. That is the cost of cheating. The marriage you thought you had is over. You need to mourn the loss of that marriage. The foundation for your marriage has been destroyed by his lies, betrayals and deceit.
You can choose to rebuild and repair that foundation, but it will never be the same, and it shouldn't be. Some here say they have a stronger marriage after infidelity. 

_Will I ever trust him again ??_

No. You will never trust him 100%. You will never have blind trust. The wounds of infidelity are so painful and deep that your mind never wants to experience that level of pain ever again. It's to protect you. Your brain knows your husband is the source of pain so it's trying to protect you. It's like if you got burned on a hot stove. You will be remembering the pain of the burn every time you are near the stove. The scar never goes away, and when you look at the scar you remember being burned. 

_I'm struggling to find awAy to try and forget it for us to move on will this become easier ????_

Why should you be struggling to forget this?.You are rug-sweeping if you really think this. He is the one who needs to help you heal. You are not far enough out from the affair for things to get easier. It takes years. 

_ Will I ever forgive ???? _

It's too soon to know. Ultimately, it's his actions that will tell you if you can forgive him, not what he is saying. I suggest you both have marriage and individual counseling with someone who specializes in infidelity. Your husband needs to address the deep-rooted issues of his infidelity. If he doesn't, history proves he will cheat again. He is a serial cheater. He's been unfaithful numerous times in multiple relationships. Has he ever had a relationship where he has faithful? 

Good luck and keep us posted. By sharing your story, you are helping others...


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Hang in there. Has he written a no contact letter to the OW? If not have him do so immediately. Also he must be completely transparent with you... meaning allow you access to phone, FB, emails, ect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Don't let him convince you that something was wrong that caused him to cheat. He's what was wrong!

F! I'm so sick of seeing stories like this where awesome, loyal wives are betrayed by stupid men that don't deserve them.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

The sad fact is that you knew the type of man you were marrying. A BIG FAT CHEATER!!! This is not his first affair, nor will it be his last. Can you live with that? 

I truly understand why you want this to workout. Kids can be a strong motivator. Hell, they were the only reason my husband got a second chance. Add to that, he only cheated once. A second time and it is over.

Now comes the hard part for you. You will NEVER forget that he did this to you. It will always be a part of your relationship. DO NOT force yourself to make a decision this early. ALLOW yourself to feel each and every emotion you go through. At the end of it all you and you alone can decide what you want. Wether it be 10 days or 10 yrs you reserve the right to say I am done and deserve more.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

And do not let him blame you. Not every marriage is roses and yes we all have a portion of blame on why the marriage might be in a bad spot, but his choice to cheat is purely his burden to carry!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OF COURSE he told you his ex was a psycho and that's why he cheated on her with you.

No doubt he probably told this current OW the same thing about you.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

And yes I know once a cheat always a cheat but we had a different relation ship she was a bit psycho he was very unhappy and trapped with children straight away 

*Are you speaking of his previous wife?*


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

If you are guess what.....Chances are great that he told his current OW that same thing about you. That is a cheater MO. It is in the first chapter of the cheater's handbook.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If they'll do it for you, they'll do it to you.
No surprise to me.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree that this guy is a cheater. He was before and he is now. The OP knows what he was capable of because he was cheating with her.

But I think if the OP wants to stay married, she can focus on the 14 years prior where she believes he was faithful. Sounds like he is showing remorse and willing to work on the marriage. He isn't rug sweeping or blaming her for what he did. Seems like they have the formula in place to be able to get over this.

We let 'bad guys' out of jail a lot sooner than 14 years because of 'good behavior'.


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

Cheated on his wife, who had children, with you. Now, he is cheating on his wife, with children, with OW. Poetic justice?

Ok, that was the "non constructive" part of my post. Here's the constructive part:
You husband is an addict. He's not addicted to heroin or speed, he's addicted to cheating. It's such a powerful addiction, that even after 15 years of abstinence, he still needed that fix (and of course, that's assuming he actually was faithful during the 15 year period and that this was his only affair). No contact letters, heavy lifting, all that jazz has been mentioned. But in the case of a serial cheater, will any of those things convince you that this won't happen again? A man who cheats on his wife and kids....TWICE (that you know of)....doesn't seem like much of a man or a person who learns lessons easily. I think you should pose that question to your husband: "Having done this twice now (that I know of) to two separate families, how are you going to convince me that this won;t happen again?" Make HIM do the work, make HIM confront these issues.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

You have received Straight forward information here from a lot of posters. The question is will you take it?

1. Your husband is a cheater 
2. It is rugsweeping to say that there was a problem with the marriage and that is the reason he cheated.
3. You need to understand that you have to decide what "YOU" want and not him.
4. The marriage as you knew it is now over and it depends on whether or not "YOU" want to build and start a new Marriage with this man.
5. If you want to R The Heavy Lifting he has to do is not only now but for the rest of his life. He has to be completely open, no passwords kept secret, no secret Email accounts, no Facebook, etc.
6. A NC letter to the woman
7. Reveal the affair to yours and his family, you do not want to be painted as the Psycho Wife who wanted a Divorce. If it hurts him too bad, others need to know the type of person he is.

That is a Start.

If you choose not to do these, Good Luck. Probably will hear from you again within the next 2 years.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this 
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights

Huge red flags here.
- He's a serial cheater, cheated in past relationships, made of you the unwilling OW.
- Despite you only sensed the red flags the last 6 months you actually know nothing about possible cheating within your marriage: *He was forced to confess, he had no choice*.
- Once busted he didn't come clean, he's been lying until know, he will keep lying, minimizing, using every damage control tactic he's able to use.
- He's pushing you hard to rugsweep the whole mess.

Think hard whether you want to remain married to him, think hard about what are your boundaries/dealbreakers/demands.
Demand a formal NC letter, demand complete transparence in comunicion devices and acountability of whereabouts.
Demand full disclosure of the current affair and past transgressions. The marriage need to be rebuilt from a place of complete honesty. No more lies and secrets.
Demand an STD test. Don't have sex with him until then.
Demand _______ (insert here whatever you need to feel safe).
I highly sugest you to demand IC with a threrapist trained at infidelity for him.

Then, on his back, put yourself in snooping mode: keylog the PC, spyware in the phone, VARs, GPS, whatever you need to be sure he's not folling you. He's an acomplished liar.
Also on his back talk to a lawyer, find your rights, the potential outomes if things go south.

Detach a little, focus on yourself, take care of your health at all levels. Red the *180*, taylor it to your adventage. Implement it untild your demands are fulfilled.

Educate yourself about infidelity, ask here for books to read.
Sorry friend. Keep reading others stories, keep posting.
Protect yourself.


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## hrtbkngrl (Apr 9, 2012)

First of all, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It is no where that anyone ever wants to be. It is one of the worst pains you will ever feel. I am recently aware of this. Found out the hard way on Mother's Day of my husband's infidelities. One PA and one EA at the same time. Lovely. It has been a true struggle, probably the hardest thing I have had to do in my lifetime. You are right in telling your H that you don't know what or how to feel right now- it's the truth. He has thrown a nuclear bomb on your life, your kids lives and your family. This takes longer than a day, week or month to fix. He cannot fix this nor can you by sweeping it under the rug. This will cause resent and hatred towards him and if you truely want to work it out - that is not the way to do it. Have you read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass? It was suggested to me on here and it has been a lifesaver. I got mine at the library, but you can order it anywhere online. It helps you step by step. Unfortuneately you and I are not the only ones that this has happened to. It has happened so often, they have written books about it. Affairs are not romantic as shown on tv, they are destructive and hurtful-too everyone involved. Your H has to show you that he is sorry, remorseful-he can't just say it. Words mean nothing. My H started to become frustrated after about 2 months because I was still "not over it", until he met with someone that he worked with and respects and had a long conversation- the lightbulb went off and he has treated me like a queen ever since and has been really working on our relationship. My husband lost his job over his affair at work and has been doing everything in his power to make things right. We sought counseling, but it became to expensive, especially since we lost the insurance after his firing. It was very helpful, but the book I mentioned worked well after. Your husband needs to be exposed to someone he respects- my husband wasn't all in until he was and had a talk with the person from work. It really takes an outside person that they respect or look up to to make a difference. They see it from all angles, not just theirs and yours. Please don't let your husband put any blame on you. This is NEVER your fault. Yes, there may have been some moments in your relationship that were not great- you may have even become "roommates", but that is no excuse to take up with another woman. He should have come to you about his feelings rather than sharing them with her. He knew exactly what he was doing (I don't want to be harsh, but it's true)- it never just happens or spins out of control before they realize what they are doing. My husband made a conscious effort to have lunch every day with his AP and take her to another town and have their flings in hotel rooms. He had plenty of time to turn around in the car on his 30 min drive and decide he was doing the wrong thing, but he didn't. He was selfish as he admits. I know I am rambling, but I hope some of this helps. Just so you know, we are better than we ever were, our relationship is still in repair, but we are getting there. It can work out, IF your husband is honest, transparant and willing. I wish you luck on this awful journey you are on.


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## Heart0101 (Oct 24, 2012)

Thx for your comments guys....my husband was not married previously and I know she was a phsyco as I had her in my life 10 years since then......................so got to know the type of person she really was.....I helped bring up her children............

I dont know how things are going to work out ........i think things are too raw at the moment. but my husband wants things to be ok so that he can try and make this work. He tells me he missies me....

Im trying to tell him i need time to get over/deal with this and Im not sure how long this will take. I love my husband but I am not IN LOVE with him does this matter??? Can we become in love again??? I suppose we have been co habiting for some time now, which I know is no excuse for his affair.

He says he loves me and wants us to be a family unit..............but im not sure whether its just about not wanting to lose his kids (Which he won't) He says its not..........

I keep thinking may be we should seperate for a few weeks??? Not sure whether this would help or Hinder????

I feel alittle comfort knowing that others have been through this and are still happily married..............I just dont want him to be unhappy that wont do any of us any good...............

I always said to him that if he ever cheated on me he would be gone.............and yet hes still here sleeping in seperate beds mind you but I cant seem to make a decision just yet of my future, all i know is that either way its gonna be hard work!!!


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## Heart0101 (Oct 24, 2012)

Im only gonna give it a year to work and if not them its over...............


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Heart0101 said:


> Im only gonna give it a year to work and if not them its over...............


It will probably not work that way. It's not gonna "be over", it's more like a process in which you both ideally will get to know each other much better.

This will forever be part of your life-luggage, no escapes, not getting over it. Just learning to cope and deal with it.


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## Heart0101 (Oct 24, 2012)

" Only gonna give it a year"

What i meant was if we are still unhappy within a year or so then I know that our marriage is over, and to do the best thing for our kids would be to separate as its no joy living in an unhappy home. But I think i feel deep down i need to give it that.....although at the moment i just want to crawl in a ball and cry all day!!!


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Heart0101 said:


> " Only gonna give it a year"
> 
> What i meant was if we are still unhappy within a year or so then I know that our marriage is over, and to do the best thing for our kids would be to separate as its no joy living in an unhappy home. But I think i feel deep down i need to give it that.....although at the moment i just want to crawl in a ball and cry all day!!!


I know how you feel, been there, done that.

This may sound like quibbling about words, and maybe it is. But put time limits on your self. Maybe you realize, that you will be OK as long as there is progress along the way. And maybe... hmmm... what does happy look like? How will you know when you are there?

Take care, you will eventually be OK.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> OF COURSE he told you his ex was a psycho and that's why he cheated on her with you.
> 
> No doubt he probably told this current OW the same thing about you.


My H told the OW that I was psycho too. She told her ex H and he told me...LOL Poor mistreated men with psycho wives.....what else can they do when they are stuck like that? :rofl:


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## Heart0101 (Oct 24, 2012)

I don't know what he told her but all I know is he's an ******* and I'm not sure if he's worth it now.... my kids will be fine with only seeing him every other weekend they may actually have a better relationship with him life's so **** at the moment it can't get much worse can it x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Heart0101 said:


> Thx for your comments guys....my husband was not married previously and I know she was a phsyco as I had her in my life 10 years since then......................so got to know the type of person she really was.....I helped bring up her children............


Sorry honey, but you really have no idea. Not only did her spouse/partner cheat on her, then he left and went straight into a relationship with the person he was cheating with! Then SHE has had to deal with YOU for ten years since then. I don't think she is crazy, I think you have no idea the destruction his affair caused her. 

If you didn't know her before she discovered his cheating, then you really don't know who she is or was.


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## Heart0101 (Oct 24, 2012)

All I know is was how she treated her kids and how she despised them for who their dad was and as a mother you love your kids unconditionally so I knowis she wasn't right I dealt with her for 10 plus years so whether she was diff before the affairs had nothing to do with it xxx she destroyed her own children's lives so I know not you !!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*The OW was bad enough to come to your house :scratchhead:. Ow is not getting out the picture without a fight. They say if you cheat with a married man, he will cheat on you too. Sorry your H has made cheating away of life. He only told you about the A because he had too. I am not sure if MC will help but yall can try it. *


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## Heart0101 (Oct 24, 2012)

I know that and I'm not sure mc will help
Either and if I can be bothered to suffer it xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Sorry honey, but you really have no idea. Not only did her spouse/partner cheat on her, then he left and went straight into a relationship with the person he was cheating with! Then SHE has had to deal with YOU for ten years since then. I don't think she is crazy, I think you have no idea the destruction his affair caused her.
> 
> If you didn't know her before she discovered his cheating, then you really don't know who she is or was.


:iagree:


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## Heart0101 (Oct 24, 2012)

She married a few years later had other Children and was still psychotic
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

If they'll cheat with you they'll cheat on you..


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## Heart0101 (Oct 24, 2012)

I know that now but took 15 years of my trust first
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

kipani said:


> If they'll cheat with you they'll cheat on you..



Yep :iagree:


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

Heart0101, my apologies for my snarky reply: I did not read your first post carefully enough to see that you were lied to (15 years ago) about your (now) husband being still married. In that context, I retract my "poetic justice" barb and again, apologize.

That said, what is disturbing is the realization that your husband has been lying to you....literally since the day you met. Now, I appreciate being young a naive; most of us were (hell, still are...well, the naive part anyway) like that. BUT...now that you are <ahem> older and wiser, reflecting on how you and your husband met and eventually married: can you trust anything he says or does?
He had no qualms about cheating on his wife and kids, TWICE NOW. And I'm sorry, but I might be a little psycho towards the person my spouse cheated on me with/destroyed my family with/etc., especially when you were (as you indicate in your first post) number 3 on the list of people he cheated with. The irony here being the anger you feel towards YOUR OW is pretty much what she felt towards you. Imagine if your kids started living in OW's house, you know, their new mom?.......but I digress.
I can understand, at the age you two met, not being completely shocked and appalled that the man I was in love with just abandoned his wife and kids after three affairs and that you were lied to and were a direct part of that cheating process (even if you didn't know it...which would freaking piss me off even more once I found out what I was manipulated into doing). That's truly vile and abhorrent of your husband to have done, to both his "psycho" ex wife and to you. But young and dumb do go together well. 

But NOW, and especially since you have had this happen to YOU: What type of man...no, HUMAN...is your husband? How can you ever trust him again? Why would you WANT to be with a creep who sh!ts on his wives and children like this? Does experiencing this give you ANY insight into the true nature of your husband that his atrocious actions 15 years ago did not? Oh, and my last question form you: I don't know if you have a son or daughter or both but: For your daughter, is this the type of man you want her to be with? If not, then why should YOU be with him? Is this the type of man you want your son to emulate? If not, then why are you with him?

I feel that when you can honestly answer those questions, you'll be in a better position to make a decision.


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