# Did some things right, but mostly did it all wrong



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

I really wish I found this place sooner

My wife started her emotional affair back in March, it's been long and extremely painful, and she has supposedly stopped talking to the guy, but there is absolutely no way I can be sure

My initial gut instinct is she is still talking to him at work. My problem is when I confronted her about it I laid all my cards on the table so she knows how I found out everything. I did not tell her about the VARs and quite honestly I had put them in her car and in the house but never got anything.

She was using What's App to talk to him every day while at work, and even at home when I was around. I can't believe the I feel like a fool.

I found out she downloaded SnapChat now and her response to me confronting her about that was that a woman at work had told her about it.

I know it's not on her phone when I check, but she can install it and uninstall it at will so I will never know.

I really want this to work, and am wondering if my doubts, anger, resentment are unfounded. I really love her and we have two kids (8 and 7) and I don't want to break the family up over my insecurities. It's just extremely difficult to let go of everything that has happened


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

I should give you a little bit of a background

Me 41
Her 40
Son - 8
Daughter - 7

My wife went on a trip with some friends for their 40th back in March. I thought it was a great time for her to get away, life is pretty hectic with the kids and we both work pretty far from home (45 min to hour). So by the time we get home take care of kids activities eat, shower put the kids to bed we're pretty beat.

The day she got back everything was fine.... the second day while we were all having dinner she was talking about her trip and all the nice people she met. She told me she met someone she was REALLY attracted to. I went off... I told her there is a big difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone. 

Her story was they met while at a bar/club and a whole bunch of people were hanging around. She said they kissed, and that was it. She said she didn't **** him, but she REALLY wanted to.

The next few weeks were really hard. We argued alot, and she kept telling me that there has always been something missing in our relationship. She said she never wanted to get married, she really only wanted to have my kids.

Basically all I got out of her at that point was the 'something missing' was me being too short (we're the same height). She's always been into taller men, which this guy is.

After being in a funk for a few weeks, I started reading books and working out.... going out with friends more often and we started to actually converse on a civil level. She was still unsure what she wanted, but I was trying to work through this and better myself. I started trying new things, and she would tell me that I inspire her. If anything positive has come out of this whole mess its been that I've gotten in great shape, I'm cooking a ton of great stuff now which I love and I feel so much better about myself as a person. I just still can't get rid of my distaste for what's happened, and can't let go of the fact she is probably still carrying this on


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Don't waste your time waiting around for her to make a choice. It almost never works out doing it that way. If you let her be in the driver seat you're screwed.

But then again are you willing to lose her to win your dignity back? You can keep her and suffer like a lost puppy or you can take charge and start moving forward without her.

One of my most favorite quotes

Just keep moving forward. If someone wants to go with you along that journey, good. If not, one step at a time.


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Translation for an admission of Kissing: They fooked.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

she's rewriting the history of your relationship to justify her ****ty behavior. 

Too short? um, sorry, she didn't notice your height before? plus that's just a terrible thing to say. Imagine if you told her 'something was missing' because her breasts were too small!

outrageous...and shows a total lack of respect


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

I know they didn't **** from reading all the texts back and forth. I have EVERYTHING from What's App from the day she left until a month ago.

They were at one point trying to plan a trip to meet up, but that has never happened


There is only one guy. He is out of country so the distance thing is there. 

Her phone is work issued, so I'm limited to what I can do there. I do have it setup to backup to iCloud and have been pulling them down regularly


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

So, what r you going to do now is the big question.....

Sit and wait - FAIL

Give her time and shower her with love - FAIL

Give her an ultimatum with what you need to make the marriage work - Success or Fail depends on how you look at it.

BTW, if you give her an ultimatum, you have to stick to your guns. Once you back down you've lost already.

That is why so many people going through R fail. Fine I'll compromise, ok, ok I'll compromise on that too. Ok, 1 more and that's it. WRONG

These are my conditions, you can't agree to them walk. But it's easier said then done for those who put their spouses on a pedestal.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If 3 inches of height is the most important thing in the world to her then what you should do is file for divorce while encouraging her to pursue whatever direction she wants in life.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Hicks said:


> If 3 inches of height is the most important thing in the world to her then what you should do is file for divorce while encouraging her to pursue whatever direction she wants in life.


I agree here.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

TooShort said:


> Her story was they met while at a bar/club and a whole bunch of people were hanging around. She said they kissed, and that was it. She said she didn't **** him, but she REALLY wanted to.


If my wife said this I'd be looking up divorce lawyers.

She wants out and this is just the first step of her pushing and pushing to get out. You have an opportunity to turn the tables on her and beat her to the punch. She has giving you a bit of a heads up and now you should run with it.

Be proactive, if she really feels this way and is going to be this disrespectful to her husband then she needs to GTFO. Kissing is cheating (assuming that's all she did) and that fact that she wanted to do more is just her way of slapping you in the face.

It would be one thing if it was a drunken accident and she regretted it, but its not. You need to plan your exit because dollars to donuts she has her plan thought out already.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ArmyofJuan said:


> If my wife said this I'd be looking up divorce lawyers.
> 
> She wants out and this is just the first step of her pushing and pushing to get out. You have an opportunity to turn the tables on her and beat her to the punch. She has giving you a bit of a heads up and now you should run with it.
> 
> ...


I agree here.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

It's amazing the stuff they suddenly find wrong with you when someone else is in the offing...just watch that old hamster wheel turn.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I do wonder how you can stick with a wife who tells you she wanted to boff another man.

And more importantly, your wife wonders this too, and loses respect for you.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She laid her cards on the table and now you have to either accept the status quo and keep on living always looking over your shoulder while she sits on her ass trying to make her mind up or you can do something about it.

Look in one way, she just slapped you and your marriage and family right across the face. Now you can let her get away with it or do something about it.

If it's me, I look at it like she doesn't want to be part of the marriage,the family or your wife so I would say nothing more and go find a lawyer, file, have her served at work where she'll get the shock of her life and maybe she'll come to understand that she crossed the line and she's in way over her head.

When she comes home, make sure you move all her clothes in the spare room, and tell her to either sleep there or on the couch because the marital bed is off limits and let her know that you have no room in your life with for a part time wife and she can pack up and leave as soon as possible.

She started this mess and she no has to deal with it. If you can work it out then fine, you can always call of the divorce but she needs to regain your trust and she has to do it with actions. I would also start a new bank account with your name on it and secure half the money. Change the credit cards to your name and let her figure out her next move.

Don't let her blame you or let her rug sweep this away because if you do, it will rear it's ugly head again in the future. She's playing for keeps and you have to do the same.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Dude, your wife told you that she REALLY wanted a sexual affair with another man. That want or need is not going away. It is only a matter of time until she gets what she wants.


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

I know I've done things wrong in the beginning.... I'm all over the place and haven't gotten everything out yet, so please bear with me

I have exposed to everyone... her parents, my parents, our friends.. I even told her 'toxic' friends husband about his wife encouraging things by enjoying her sharing the details of her chats/calls with the guy. She's lost that friend because of that and I'm glad I did it. 

Her parents came up from Florida and spent time with us. Her father (step dad) sat her down and explained this would be the most expensive free lay she's ever given out if she went through with it. He himself had a wife who cheated

We started spending more time together, which was a big problem in our marriage... it was all about the family and kids rather than us spending quality time alone. We started having sex like rabbits (again our sex life wasn't horrible... but was more like once a week or every other week).... it turned into multiple times a day.

When I found out she was still carrying on with this guy (about a month and a half ago) using the WhatsApp I took her phone and smashed it with a vodka bottle (she has a bit of a drinking problem and is also on anti depressants). 

She asked me if I wanted her to leave and I told her to go... I told her that I wanted to work on the marriage but she wasn't doing her part... and I had nothing left...

She came back a few days later, begging, pleading and crying.. she told me I was the only one she wanted.. she is continually doing things for me, calling me sexy, initiating sex and that she is in more love with me now than she ever has been. She has since stopped drinking as much, but is still on the meds. She has a Dr. appt to discuss alternatives to Xanax and the other thing she is taking.

To me her actions are all saying she is in this, but I can't shake the feelings... remembering every single detail of the texts and how this all happened... 

We've been married 10 years, and together 5 before that... I want to believe this is all over, but I can't shake it


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go to brickhouse.com and get a pen var to put in her purse and see if anything is going on at work.


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

Thanks, I ordered one already as I've been reading this site for a few weeks now and saw those actually exist.

I am also going away for business next month and will be putting the other VARs I have around the house to see if I pick up anything.

I have never picked up anything on the VARs before (house, car, etc.) 

I know she was talking to him while at work (texts of 'Can I call you now' etc.), and I know from the chats I picked up from the iCloud backups she texts back and forth constantly at work. Now that she knows I know, I feel like she's installing/deinstalling to get around it.

Gut feelings aren't usually wrong are they? In this case I hope they are

I've gone to IC and really have gotten to the point that I will be fine with either outcome (married / divorced). I really just want to make sure this is done/over.

Do you ever really get to the point where you don't question everything anymore?


----------



## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_I don't want to break the family up over my insecurities_

That's not what's breaking up your family. Stop blaming yourself.

Her actions have cost her your trust. It's up to her to regain it.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TooShort said:


> Gut feelings aren't usually wrong are they?


No. Usually dead on. The texting at work that you have found confirms much.


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

I suppose that's what I'm struggling with.... my gut feelings are it's still going on

Everytime I've had that feeling over this it's been right

It's so hard to figure out if why I want to dig is to be proved wrong, or to be proved right and then just move on


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has she become transparent for you?

how would she feel if you had an affair?

Has she signed an agreement to go NC, to give up custody of the kids, to pay you alimony, child support and give you a favorable property settlement?

Has she set up MC?


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

BWBill said:


> _I don't want to break the family up over my insecurities_
> 
> That's not what's breaking up your family. Stop blaming yourself.
> 
> Her actions have cost her your trust. It's up to her to regain it.


I know it's on her, and her actions have put us here

It's also comforting to know everyone around us knows as well... and I've gotten the support from all. Her parents have been great throughout this whole ordeal, although her mom has been a bit naive and I have had to really push her to see the truth


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> Has she become transparent for you?
> 
> how would she feel if you had an affair?
> 
> ...


Transparency as far as I know... I have access to her phone, facebook, email etc. She even set the pword for her phone to our anniversary date

At one point through the ordeal, when she was still in the fog she told me she would give me a free pass. I told her that wouldn't solve anything and that's not what i wanted. I suspect that was only to give her free reign to do whatever she wanted if I took the offer.

We haven't done MC we have both done IC, but she stopped when it was suggested she stop drinking.

She has told me she went NC, he is no longer in her contact list.. we didn't do a formal NC with her calling him in front of me and stating she doesn't want to talk to him anymore.

I did text him from her phone prior to smashing it and told him no more contact and stop ****ing around with married women

No agreements were made as far as divorce settlements, child support, alimony etc.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

So you're content being her backup plan? She is saying she was never attracted to you due to your height.

And you just what...stay in the relationship keeping yourself a slave to her whims while she continues to fantasize about her affair partner? Don't be "that guy".

Be the man your kids think you are. Don't give her an ultimatum. Its already too late for that since they "kissed" (you know what that means right?) Show her the consequences of her nuking the marriage.

That's what she did.


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

I know it seems odd that declaration of 'they just kissed' is just what it is... I have seen on here that it starts as just a kiss and then gets admitted to more... 

I have read all the texts, and that is all that happened. They discussed him trying more (feeling her up) and she stopped him. I don't see why they would discuss that while texting if it wasn't true

I really don't feel like Plan B at this point, i think a big turning point was me kicking her out. I guess I still can't get the doubt out of my head


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TooShort said:


> Transparency as far as I know... I have access to her phone, facebook, email etc. She even set the pword for her phone to our anniversary date * Nice touch*
> 
> At one point through the ordeal, when she was still in the fog she told me she would give me a free pass. I told her that wouldn't solve anything and that's not what i wanted. I suspect that was only to give her free reign to do whatever she wanted if I took the offer. *Good on you for thinking clearly. You have a good head on our shoulders!*
> 
> ...


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Also keep in mind, you kicking her out put you in a different realm in her mind then when she "has" you.

Your wife falls into the "cat" description of some people (men and women). They are more attracted to the thing they don't have but that's just within reach. Watch a cat play with a toy. They are 100% focused on it during the chase....then they get it...look at it for 5 minutes and then don't want it any longer.

Now I'm not saying your wife can't redeem herself and be into your marriage 100%, just saying it's less likely. Once she "wins" you back...you become the old hat again. Right now you're the shiny new thing that she may not be able to have. See the dilemma?


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Everything you've been taught about women is wrong. 

Read Married Man Sex Life Primer. Improve you. You have options. Many. 

*wish I had stock in Athols biz...*


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

TooShort said:


> I know I've done things wrong in the beginning.... I'm all over the place and haven't gotten everything out yet, so please bear with me
> 
> I have exposed to everyone... her parents, my parents, our friends.. I even told her 'toxic' friends husband about his wife encouraging things by enjoying her sharing the details of her chats/calls with the guy. She's lost that friend because of that and I'm glad I did it.
> 
> ...



Yea my wife did this stuff too, but 4 affairs or attempted affairs later she cut me loose and kicked me to the curb for another man.. Abandoned me and my 2 boys. I wasted 20 years with her. 

I caught a month before we were married, I caught her 1 year after my first son, I caught her after my second was born and finally the last time. My dead brother found something out as well, but my mom told him not to tell me anything.. It went to the grave with him. Mom is old and doesn't remember much or just doesn't want to tell me much, what is the point..

Your too short ? LoL, I'm 6'3".. I guess I must be too tall.. Too nice.. Must have too much of a good job.. The million dollar home must be too much.. 

So she left me for a 5'3" 55 year old ( I'm 47 now )... With no real income or real job..

She is about to pay me child support hopefully in a few weeks.

You think they would see the man/spouse that stuck it out for them and put up with their sh!t.. Sadly they don't... In the end all you are is a piece of sh!t they can kick to the curb when they are good and ready too..

I would simply suggest to plan for the WORST and hope for the best..

Your alcoholic, pill popping wife isn't worth the effort.. You will get custody and you will see there are women DYING to meet you.. They will be younger.. make more money and are chomping at the bit for a nice guy..


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

I have been focused on improving myself... the exercise at first was to get my mind off things. I've lost 15 lbs and have been getting compliments over how good I look. Best is when her friends say things in front of her. 

I've read the Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mr Nice Guy. I've started new hobbies, cooking (gourmet stuff, not pasta and meatballs) , playing / learning guitar, and even started drawing again (mostly with the kids, which is helping their creative juices)

I really hope the 'newness' of me doesn't wear off on her... I get the cat analogy completely

I don't want to file for D at this point because it has been a month and a half since I've found any communication (nothing since she has come back) and D really isn't what I want, if it was I wouldn't have stuck through all this as long as I have. I feel filing would just put us back and not move us forward.

Is it normal to always doubt? I guess my big issue is when we're together everything is going well... when we're apart I always think the worst... and the only times were apart at this time is for work, or conflicting kids activities.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I don't care how short you are....the bottom line is chicks dig confident men.

Kicking her out was the best thing you did...and when she called OM telling him he also gave her the boot cuz this wasn't serious Om just wanted a piece of @ss....that's what broke her fog!

Now you guys have a good thing going.....it's when this changes and stops is when you need to worry.

I still believe you need to trust your gut, cuz when your out of town and she gets lonely and drunk she will contact him again so do your best to set up you survailence.

My I suggest a hidden camera...it will tell you a lot when your out of town and she is in bed texting a way with a big smile on her face and her hand down her panties......unless of course she is texting you.LOL

Have you looked for a burner phone? I can't imagine she uses her work phone...especially during work....her employer could find out how much time she is wasting on their dime.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It took my old lady a couple of years to rebuild the trust.

This is still fresh, but if your wife is really into this M she will keep doing the heavy lifting.

For now keep doing what you can to confirm her commitment to you.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

TooShort said:


> ...she has a bit of a drinking problem and is also on anti depressants....
> 
> She has since stopped drinking as much, but is still on the meds. She has a Dr. appt *to discuss alternatives to Xanax* and the other thing she is taking.


I hate to even bring this up, but how long has she been on Xanax? Xanax is in a class of drugs known as benzodiapezines, and these are NOT EASY DRUGS TO COME OFF OF. Sure, she can switch to another equally destructive benzo (like Klonopin, Ativan, or Valium) but if she has been taking them regularly for longer than a few weeks, she is sadly mistaken if she thinks she can just "come off" of them. And she should not be drinking alcohol while taking benzos.

Do a Google search for "Benzo Withdrawal H*ll" or "Xanax Withdrawal" and educate yourself on the nature of these drugs. It is not a pretty picture. Also, there are MANY videos on YouTube of people who are chronicling *months and years* trying to come off benzos  Xanax is one of the worst because it has such a short half-life. Many people switch to Valium first (longer half-life) and begin a long, slow taper.

One of the most helpful sites is www.benzobuddies.org. You can visit the forums there and read stories of thousands of people trying to get off this class of drugs.

If she's been on Xanax longer than a few weeks or months, she should definitely NOT try to "cold-turkey" it. This can lead to seizures and even death. It truly IS that nightmarish.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> I hate to even bring this up, but how long has she been on Xanax? Xanax is in a class of drugs known as benzodiapezines, and these are NOT EASY DRUGS TO COME OFF OF. Sure, she can switch to another equally destructive benzo (like Klonopin, Ativan, or Valium) but if she has been taking them regularly for longer than a few weeks, she is sadly mistaken if she thinks she can just "come off" of them. And she should not be drinking alcohol while taking benzos.
> 
> Do a Google search for "Benzo Withdrawal H*ll" or "Xanax Withdrawal" and educate yourself on the nature of these drugs. It is not a pretty picture. Also, there are MANY videos on YouTube of people who are chronicling *months and years* trying to come off benzos  Xanax is one of the worst because it has such a short half-life. Many people switch to Valium first (longer half-life) and begin a long, slow taper.
> 
> ...


Dadof2's wife is popping the same crap everyday.
Brain frier.:iagree::iagree:


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

I suppose i'm not what you define as 'Short' that was her hairbrained reasoning at first... I'm 5' 10" and she is as well. I thought it quite ridiculous of a reason after 10 years of marriage and 5 years of dating it would be the sticking point.

She's been on Xanax for over a year now, it's mostly 'as needed' not daily... the other thing is citralopram, not sure if I'm spelling it correctly.

Constant digging, monitoring and playing detective are getting tiring. On some levels it is comforting that I am not finding anything. But reading everything on here with 'burner phones' and going underground I'm still not buying into the no news is good news


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

TooShort said:


> Do you ever really get to the point where you don't question everything anymore?


It's possible. But that usually occurs after years of R; to the point where you get philosophical about her potential cheating. You stop checking up on her every move because you understand something: 

If she's going to cheat, she'll cheat. But because you're experienced in catching her and know the signs to look for; you won't be anxious about it. Because you know "exactly" what you will do if she does - and so does she.


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Because you know "exactly" what you will do if she does - and so does she.


This is true. I do know exactly what I will do, without hesitation.. 

I'm just hoping the last part 'and so does she' holds true as well


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

TooShort said:


> I'm just hoping the last part 'and so does she' holds true as well


Simple solution. Make sure you tell her what will happen.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> Yea my wife did this stuff too, but 4 affairs or attempted affairs later she cut me loose and kicked me to the curb for another man.. Abandoned me and my 2 boys. I wasted 20 years with her.
> 
> I caught a month before we were married, I caught her 1 year after my first son, I caught her after my second was born and finally the last time. My dead brother found something out as well, but my mom told him not to tell me anything.. It went to the grave with him. Mom is old and doesn't remember much or just doesn't want to tell me much, what is the point..
> 
> ...


Fixed that for yah HTH

55


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Is the OM married? Does her employer know that she's using company electronics and time to continue her affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

He's not married, but has a daughter that lives with the mother. He's in another country so I haven't gotten too much info about him. 

I haven't told my wife's work about it, mostly because I don't want her to lose her job. Although I'm sure they would not like her calling international to talk to this POS


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

TooShort said:


> But reading everything on here with 'burner phones' and going underground I'm still not buying into the no news is good news


My wife had 2 burner phones.. 

Detective here.. Never lost a case.. Anyone I interviewed confessed or gave some sort of incriminating confession.. 

My Ex wife rolled me like there was no tomorrow. I fell for it hook line and sinker.. I think the most embarrassing was catching with one phone and not even thinking of a 2nd phone.. And I only caught her with the first phone on a crazy hunch.. It was one phone call to my son's cell phone.. Just something made me call it and she answered it.. 

So you know I wasn't trying to upset you talking bad about your wife.. I wanted you to understand that if things go south with this.. There IS better out here.. Trust me.. That was my biggest concern that I was walking back into the land of misfit and broken toys.. That I was going to find broken and crazy women.. Mind you there are.. Just as I am crazy in certain ways.. But there are many "normal" people out here that have learned their lessons in life and are looking to be happy with someone.

The great thing is pretty much 90% of the human population wants to be with someone.. Only a small few actually want to be alone.. These great cities, towns and communities are the proof of that.. In the beginning of my new life I didn't see that at first.. I felt like I was taking a swim into a giant empty ocean.. Little did I know or realize how dam full this ocean was of other people like me. 

Another thing I want to tell you.. 

It is somewhat apparent that you want to keep this and fix this relationship.. It is completely understandable.. I wanted that to the bitter end as well. 

Again what I didn't realize is my Ex wife needed to want that as well. She didn't. She basically lied about everything.. Every time it was just a lie.. My Ex wife has a hole in her emotionally that I can never fill. I was trying but I just couldn't.. She think that finding someone else will fix it.. But it won't.. She just lacks the tools in her emotional toolbox to deal with this type of situation.. In the end everything fell apart on her.. Even if SHE acts like its all good.

My boys were tight with her.. I always felt they loved her more than me or were closer with her than me.. They decided to stay with me !?.. I was the disciplinarian, I doled out the punishments.. I was the one who yelled at them.. I was the bad guy.. I'm still amazed till this day.. 

What you don't see now and I didn't see then as well was you have to have the balls to push this marriage to edge of that cliff. You have to literally put your wife on the edge of that marriage cliff and start to push her off.. Only then when she see's you have the balls to push her off will she reach out a hand to grab you.. *EVEN THEN* you have to have the courage to be able to hold onto her with one hand and have her teetering off the edge by her feet begging for you to hold on.. 

This is literally the point someone has to get to to save their marriage. The hard reality is many Betrayed Spouses just do not have the courage, fortitude or strength to bring their marriage to that point.. 

I chased bad guys, I literally fought bare handed against a man with a knife.. I fought with men who were either trying to grab their gun or mine during the fight.. 

But I just didn't have what it took when it came to my marriage.. I just wanted this all to go away like a bad dream.. 

Hindsight being 20/20, as it is.. I can tell you today getting divorced was the *BEST *choice my Ex wife forced on me.. 
Am I afraid of having someone else do this to me ? I sure as sh!t am.. 

Have these fears caused me issues in my relationship with my past and current G.F.s ? It sure did...

I am fortunate to have a G.F. that understands and knows there is a better person inside me. 

*Let me tell you something about my G.F. and make another point about your issues with this..*

My G.F. is very attractive. She knows it, she is used to getting *A LOT* of attention from men.. 

Her past dates and people she seen, were body builders, actors, rock stars, personal fitness instructors.. Men in GREAT shape.. 

The G.F. isn't in great shape since she had her 2nd child.. I can say she has a slight belly. Nothing crazy, but its noticeable..

But these men still wanted her, the way she looked.. No one was tossing her out of the bed, thats for sure.. 

Some of these men also cooked for her and such.. They had homes.. Where single with no kids.. Financially in better positions than me..

I don't cook much at all.. I can, but I don't... 
My kids are on Xbox.. I tried to get them off, but I can see its a failing and futile action.. They are not into anything that is not Xbox or computers.. In the end, they are a by product of me.. I was an online gamer for many, many, many years.. Its what I did.. Apples doesn't fall from the tree they say..

What I can say about myself is I never cheated on anyone I have been with, I am an honest, loyal, faithful ( to a flaw ) man.. Trust me being a Cop and a Detective it's not hard to find a piece of A$$.. 

But I am no body builder, I just started doing push ups.. 

But my simple point is the G.F. at least in my eyes, had much better prospects than me come along. Especially with all my emotional baggage I have as well. But she decided to love me and be with me.. Even I have issues understanding it and accepting it sometimes.. 

So here is my sad point to you, if you haven't figured it out yet..

I get your doing all this cooking and guitar and drawing.. But I hope your doing it for you and not to show your wife that you're a better man, that you can change.. I hope you're not pea****ing for her and the sake of trying to save this marriage this way.. 

Because it might work for a short time.. But then eventually you will be *TOO SHORT* for her again. 

You need to push her to the edge to see if she will stick around or run.. 

You need to find out deep down what broke insider HER... 

With all the therapy and Marriage Counseling I did with my Ex wife.. We really never got to the root of the problem.. Either the therapist was bad or my Ex wife put on a good show, or maybe both..

In the end

I agree fight for your marriage, but please understand that your wife should be *FIGHTING TO KEEP YOU* and *NOT* the other way around.. 

Trust me when I tell you, I just didn't see it and understand it until I was very much removed from my situation and I am 2 years into therapy, still..


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

if you think she may be calling him at work get a pen var and put it in her purse. sveral here have used them and they work great. they also work as a pen. Brickhouse has them for about a eighty dollars.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Digital Voice Recorder Pen | Covertly Record Audio w/ the Pen Recorder


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

HardToHandle - Thank you, i appreciate your inspiring words... I am doing all these things for me, things I really wish I had gotten into sooner, as they are really making me happy

So on to the update.... I stepped away to gather more info... and as usual and as everyone expects here my gut was right. I went out for a night with my friends and left a VAR in the house. My wife was having a few friends over, and I knew one of them was supportive of the affair.

Turns out she is still talking to the guy.... still trying to meet up with him.... the killer was the 'I love you' at the end of the phone call.... I can't get past that.

I've talked to a lawyer and am filling out all the paperwork, gathering more evidence and will be filing for Divorce soon. My big problem is not wanting to 'ruin' the holidays. My lawyer beat it into my head that I'm not the one doing that, and I understand... I feel as though I've stuck this out long enough I can wait another month, but I'm not sure.

She was away at a conference yesterday. Got back at 6:30pm and texted me from the train station. I was making dinner for the kids and had planned on a nice home made dinner for us as well. She said she was just meeting a friend for a drink... 12:30 she gets home, no calls, no texts nothing.... 

I can't believe how changed she is... she isn't the person I married and not someone I want to be married to


----------



## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

TooShort said:


> HardToHandle - Thank you, i appreciate your inspiring words... I am doing all these things for me, things I really wish I had gotten into sooner, as they are really making me happy
> 
> So on to the update.... I stepped away to gather more info... and as usual and as everyone expects here my gut was right. I went out for a night with my friends and left a VAR in the house. My wife was having a few friends over, and I knew one of them was supportive of the affair.
> 
> ...


Yes many of us can relate, we all say what you wrote bolded. Seriously, what she said to about really wanting to boink that guy is the most cruel thing I've heard on here, I feel really bad for you. Don't take that crap, find someone who loves and respects you bro, you absolutely can! At least if she tried to lie that would tell me she cares some...she does not care for you at all.


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

Observer said:


> Yes many of us can relate, we all say what you wrote bolded. Seriously, what she said to about really wanting to boink that guy is the most cruel thing I've heard on here, I feel really bad for you. Don't take that crap, find someone who loves and respects you bro, you absolutely can! At least if she tried to lie that would tell me she cares some...she does not care for you at all.


I'm finally starting to realize that... 

The self-centeredness of it, and when I try to talk about my feelings and how much hurt this has caused all I get is 'You need to just get over this if we're going to work this out'

All the time she's still carrying on the affair... All the while telling me she can't imagine a life without me..

One thing I do have is her parents support. Her step-dad had been through the same thing, and he's been very helpful... He said that he hoped things would get better, but she seems to be living in Cinderella world and not reality...


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Have her served at work. Tell her employer that's she's using company time and electronics to facilitate her affair. 
There is still a chance to save this( if you want to) but, you need to go nuclear on her!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

I don't want to have her served at work or tell her employer only for the fact it may cause her to lose her job. The lawyer said that because our salaries are close (I make more, but only 30-40%) there would be no alimony

The only way this could be saved is by a complete turnaround in her thinking/actions... she constantly says that it was no big deal, they only chatted and there was no sex... she really doesn't 'GET it'

Although she's constantly jealous of me getting attention from other women that I don't even reciprocate... even accuses me of flirting with women when I'm only being myself

I guess today I'm at the point where I don't want to save this anymore... I feel so bad for my kids


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Too short,

When I look back 3 years ago when I discovered the true extent of my wife's betrayal; I wish I could go back to that exact minute and have a do-over. I should have waited to confront her until I had my ducks in a row. But I couldn't wait.

Don't make the same mistake. Use the period of time between discovery and confrontation wisely. It's precious.


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Too short,
> 
> When I look back 3 years ago when I discovered the true extent of my wife's betrayal; I wish I could go back to that exact minute and have a do-over. I should have waited to confront her until I had my ducks in a row. But I couldn't wait.
> 
> Don't make the same mistake. Use the period of time between discovery and confrontation wisely. It's precious.


I know that now.... hindsight and all being 20/20....

If I could go back I would have kicked her out at the admission of wanting to ***k him... Hell, I would have taken her up on the offer for her to move out and get her own apartment.... instead I naively said that if she leaves the house, or if we do any sort of separation it would be divorce in my eyes. Knowing full well that wasn't what I wanted (at that point anyway).

I don't think I need more evidence of the affair... she called him from our house phone two weeks ago.

Need to get this off my chest because it made me laugh... maybe because of how pathetic it is... While I was out and had the VAR going to catch her calling him, she waited till the friends that don't support the affair to leave. She 'lost' her phone... kept calling it to find it (heard it on the VAR) and kept calling her friend who is having an affair as well to see if it was in her car, or to call her AP to let him know she lost her phone... 30 minutes of looking for the damn phone and do you know where it was?

Her back pocket


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

After coming home and finding all that out I confronted again... wrong, I know... 

Told her that we were done, that I had nothing left for her. She tried for two days to get close, hug etc... and I pushed her away...

Then, what I thought was the big change... she dumped all the alcohol in the house (vodka / wine - her drinks of choice) and went cold turkey...

Started seeing a therapist to control her drinking, even kept telling me how good it felt to not drink, having a clear head etc...


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

TooShort said:


> After coming home and finding all that out I confronted again... *wrong, I know*...


Oh well, you can join me in the premature ejac.... urr, I mean confrontation club.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

So sorry you are having to deal with this s***

You are a great guy from reading your posts and no matter what happens you will come out the other side stronger and more sure of your self.

Time to serve D and then decide what to do later


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

TooShort said:


> She was away at a conference yesterday. Got back at 6:30pm and texted me from the train station. I was making dinner for the kids and had planned on a nice home made dinner for us as well. She said she was just meeting a friend for a drink... 12:30 she gets home, no calls, no texts nothing....


So did she actually meet this sleezeball again?


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

She hasn't met up with him again yet, my assumption is once the papers are served she runs off for a wild fling. 

The hardest thing for me to let go of is the constant calls and texts. I broke down the whole timeline, she would be texting him while in the car with me and the kids. She would be having sexting conversations with him while I was sitting in the same room...

She knew this guy for all of six hours, and yet he means more to her than me. I've worked my tail off turning our house/yard into a piece of paradise (her words) for us to enjoy together. I spend time with the family constantly, I don't disappear on weekends to go golfing or escape. Yeah, I go skiing with buddies here and there, hang out with friends once a month or so, but mostly am involved with the kids sports/activities and again in her words am a 'Great Provider, but not her ideal man'

Big wakeup call this has been


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

Really have to love the texts to me interpreted as concern turn out to be CYA:

'Let me know when you're on your way home' takes on a whole new meaning when I read the text to him 'He's on his way, I'll talk to you tomorrow'


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sorry man. Make sure that you back up EVERYTHING.


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

Thanks Gus... Have read quite a few of your posts on here while lurking and really admire you.

In some distorted way initiating the divorce is hurting me more than than the actual affair... anyone else feel that way?

I guess I may be holding on to a 'everything can be better' attitude, but it takes two... and she's not there, not caring, not trying and won't realize until I'm gone, if she does at all...

Although at one point through this ordeal she mentioned that I will move on and find someone I can trust and she would have to live with this for the rest of her life.. how true and insightful she was, but sad that she couldn't work with me to stop that from happening


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

She will just justify it and move on. Most cheaters are screwed up like that. I wouldn't put any stock in her suffering because you are gone. 

The best revenge is none at all. Just move on with your life and put her in the past. If you have kids with her just focus on being the best dad you can. 

I felt the same way about filing the papers but It was just because it was over with and honestly I was scared. I can tell you the day it was finalized If I had had any friends I would have partied that night. I went home with my kids and we had a really nice dinner. 

Just be glad you now know the truth. 

Clay


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

Thanks Clay,

I guess I'm not so worried about her downward spiral as I am about my kids having to witness it..

I wasn't blessed with the best home life growing up, so I am damn sure that I am going to provide my kids the best thing they can have while I can... I just shudder at the thought of them having to watch their mother self destruct

For no reason even... she has everything I would think anyone could ask for... not just materialistic either


----------



## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

You finally believed that you are plan B as others told 1 month ago ??
you said she's texting him now openly really in front of you and the kids? and you're not doing anything ? why you're not kicking her out of the house this time ?


----------



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

TooShort said:


> I can't believe how changed she is... she isn't the person I married and not someone I want to be married to


 Too short, I feel your pain entirely and hope for the best. But from the sound of it your wife's actions regarding this mirrors mine to a near tee. I know that alone feeling you are going thru, that starving feeling for affection and the way things once were. Those days are gone as well as the person you married. It seems that when women are more susceptible to the bonds of an emotional affair then men are and no matter what consequences you lay at her feet she will not let it go unwillingly. At the stage it has to run its course as it is too late. 

To illustrate this mine had 2 EA's this year, with 2 different people she met on the internet and in the course of a year we went from a stressed yet appreciative married couple determined to at least work thru all of our problems, she is now someone I cannot recognize in the slightest who was faced with the choice of living here with her children vs holding onto her affair partner. She now lives with her mother. This to me is really twisted as no vice on earth would prevent me from leaving my children behind. I went from being a loving husband to a complete worthless has been who she never loved and needed to punish for my shortcomings as a husband. These people here tried to warn me but I didn't listen and was afraid to act. Thankfully certain things in life happened and the Divorce process is going forward. 

It is scary dude but like a roller coaster the hardest part is getting on, The ride thereafter takes care of itself and either way it will come to an end.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Tooshort
Sometimes for all of our wanting and desire there simply is nothing we can do but accept what is. If you think about it, would you really want a life like the one you've been living recently? It's exhausting and just not worth it. There are many women out there that will appreciate you and be grateful for what you bring to the table. Your WW is not one of them, sadly for your family.

Begin thinking how life can be when there is complete trust and commitment and look forward to that time. It may not be as far off as you envision. Your WW will most likely have her fling and realize that it really wasn't all that she expected it to be but you will have moved on by then and she will be left with the pieces of her life to pick up. All the best to you.


----------



## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

TooShort said:


> The hardest thing for me to let go of is the constant calls and texts. I broke down the whole timeline, she would be texting him while in the car with me and the kids. She would be having sexting conversations with him while I was sitting in the same room...
> *I know exactly what that's like. My WW had the stones to sit in the next room once and have a 30 minute conversation with POSOM, with the implied "love you" at the end of their conversation (he told her "love you" and she replied "you too")*
> I've worked my tail off turning our house/yard into a piece of paradise (her words) for us to enjoy together. I spend time with the family constantly, I don't disappear on weekends to go golfing or escape.
> *Been down that road too. Turned our backyard of nothingness into something special, inground pool and great landscaping (yeah I did most of the work myself) all the while she's screwing POSOM. Talk about the "bag over the head punch to the face".*
> Big wakeup call this has been


Truly can't understand how someone can be so cruel, disloyal and hurtful. Blows my mind.


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

imjustwatching said:


> You finally believed that you are plan B as others told 1 month ago ??
> you said she's texting him now openly really in front of you and the kids? and you're not doing anything ? why you're not kicking her out of the house this time ?


Maybe my posts aren't clear... forgive me as my head isn't all together right now. 

I still don't believe I'm Plan B... I believe she wants to stay with me but 'have fun'... personally I'm not into that which is why I'm starting the D process

The texting in front of me and the kids was months ago, I have taken painstaking efforts to put a whole timeline together for the D proceedings... trust me... it hurts

Joker/LoyalDad/NoChoice thank you... i appreciate the kind words.. I've said before I was lurking for a bit before posting and have read your threads and posts and find them insightful. I do not doubt that I will stick around here if only to do what you and many others do... help others out to avoid mistakes I've made during this whole ordeal

If I had found this place the day after D-Day or a week after D-Day I think I could have handled this better and more effectively. TAM is a great place and full of insight...

Even to those not posting on my thread, I have read so many stories similar to mine and I appreciate the sharing, it really helps someone feel they are not alone in this mess


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

loyallad said:


> Truly can't understand how someone can be so cruel, disloyal and hurtful. Blows my mind.


Honestly, It is like a light switch. Once flipped the total disconnect from H and kids is uncanny. 


Sorry it has come to this, TS.

I agree with you lawyer, your W is ruining the holidays. I would serve her asap.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> your W is ruining the holidays. I would serve her asap.


:iagree:


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

I will be... ran to town hall today to get the mge certificate, moved money from our acct to pay for the lawyer and finished filling out all the paperwork (assets/liabilities/expenses) what a pain in the ass that was having to jump through hoops as it's her name on everything and her passwords etc. as her responsibility was the finances...

Will never do that again...


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

you are right, she wants an open relationship and that is so wrong. To hell with that. Congrats on filling out the paperwork. Let us know when she is served and get her reaction. 

Are you sure she hasn't met up with this other guy ? The night she blew you off for dinner ?

And her loser friend who is also cheating. Immorality loves company. Sorry you are going through that


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry to have you here TS. At 5'10" I cannot bring myself to call you too short!

So she knows that you are filing and that she will be served soon? Has she started doing anything to protect herself ? What are her thoughts on custody of the kids ? Has she shared any of this ?

You cannot control the actions of your wife - only yourself. She knows what your values and boundaries are after all this time. And she is old enough to know better, so no excuse there. She is doing this because she has an itch that she wants to scratch - as simple as that. Selfish ? Yes. Immoral ? Yes. Disrespectful ? Yes. And here's the thing - she was probably all these things when you met her - she just hadn't experienced the itch to bring it all to the surface. So in a way better now than later.

You are showing her (or should be showing her) the true consequences of her actions - not her imaginary ones. The sooner you get to co parenting discussions etc the sooner she will realise. I know that you feel bad for the kids but it is far better that they see their dad as a strong person of good moral fibre (which they will, have no doubt about that, as they grow up) than see him being weak and settling for a life of misery.

And the one thing that she said that is right is that she will have to live with this for the rest of her life. I am sure she will think back about this with a lot of regret. Especially when she wakes up and sees the effect on your kids and when she starts missing all the good things about you, that height cannot provide.

Stay strong and see this through to the best of your ability.


----------



## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

what was her response for you latest discovery ?


----------



## TooShort (Jul 14, 2014)

I'm sure she hasn't met up with him.... he's in another country and the times she's asked for a night away or a trip I've squashed by telling her I don't think it appropriate... 

Honestly her response to that was 'If I'm going to cheat on you I will, it doesn't have to take an overnight' Suppose that was another wakeup call to her personality

Her response to my last calling out was to try and get close to me... tried putting her hands on me while sleeping, tried hugging me, tried everything she could do to get closer. 

I told her I didn't want her to touch me... she told me it was 'over' and my response was that I had heard that too many times already and it wasn't true...

i do think once she is served it will be a wake up call.... unfortunately it will be too late because I am not going back, and she won't realize that until she is served and it's over, too late

Either way, I can be happy with myself or with someone else... I honestly think I'm going to take a good long time before trying to have another close relationship with anyone... but, I guess it all depends on who you meet and circumstances


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

She is probably trying to mollify you to not divorce her. If she does things as plan, the only person who is at risk is you. It is not like you have a back-up relationship if she ends up loving the other guy more. She is already more emotionally invested in the Om.

She wants a servant in you, while having a lover. While you support the family, and take care of the children, she is free to indulge. From an outsider's prospective, she is using you.

If you do want to get back together with her, do it after the divorce. Just don't marry her again, and if you do, get a prenupt. Have a judge sign it, and give her time to think about it. This of course if she comes to her senses. 

It will be a good lesson to your children that respect is important in a relationship. She does not see OM's flaws, and she has already broken the marriage. What is left is a facade.

The faster you gain acceptence, the faster you detach. The reason why you were so needy was because at that moment, you were in shock, and you were not thinking in your right mind either. You fear losing something that you precieve as a part of you, even though she is her own separate entity. When you detach, you start separating your identity again. Once you gain confidence in yourself, and become mentally strong, you will wonder why you let her treat you in that manner.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TooShort said:


> I'm sure she hasn't met up with him.... he's in another country and the times she's asked for a night away or a trip I've squashed by telling her I don't think it appropriate...
> 
> Honestly her response to that was 'If I'm going to cheat on you I will, it doesn't have to take an overnight' Suppose that was another wakeup call to her personality
> 
> ...


For maximum effect, make sure that she's served at work... preferably in a meeting with a bunch of co-workers around.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Don't believe what she says. She is 40 years old, married, have children and going in night clubs and bars and meeting a man. She kissed him and no sex? Get real, she did. I'm a woman and knows the type of women like your wife. She may have done this before without your knowledge.

She texts and calls him when you and your children are around. She has no respect nor fear you. If this was my husband, I would not have the resolve that you have. I would probably snatch the phone from her and stomp it. I don't tolerate behavior like hers. She behaves like a teenager. Get out of this marriage before you lose your mind.

You're 41, there are other women out there who will treat you better. Women will cheat on men who are weak. Don't be part of this statistic. You deserve a better wife and a better life. Move on!


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Don't believe what she says. She is 40 years old, married, have children and going in night clubs and bars and meeting a man. She kissed him and no sex? Get real, she did. I'm a woman and knows the type of women like your wife. She may have done this before without your knowledge.
> 
> She texts and calls him when you and your children are around. She has no respect nor fear you. If this was my husband, I would not have the resolve that you have. I would probably snatch the phone from her and stomp it. I don't tolerate behavior like hers. She behaves like a teenager. Get out of this marriage before you lose your mind.
> 
> You're 41, there are other women out there who will treat you better. Women will cheat on men who are weak. Don't be part of this statistic. You deserve a better wife and a better life. Move on!


And DNA your kids!


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TooShort said:


> Thanks Gus... Have read quite a few of your posts on here while lurking and really admire you.


Aww shucks...

Seriously, though... thanks for the kind words, man.



TooShort said:


> In some distorted way initiating the divorce is hurting me more than than the actual affair... anyone else feel that way?


That's understandable. I guess.



TooShort said:


> I guess I may be holding on to a 'everything can be better' attitude, but it takes two... and she's not there, not caring, not trying and won't realize until I'm gone, if she does at all...


Exactly correct! Also, it's important to note that filing for divorce doesn't necessarily mean that you HAVE to divorce. You can put a stop to it at anytime... as long as she's doing (note that I didn't say "saying") ALL the right things... as in no less than 111.11% effort.



TooShort said:


> Although at one point through this ordeal she mentioned that I will move on and find someone I can trust and she would have to live with this for the rest of her life.. how true and insightful she was, but sad that she couldn't work with me to stop that from happening


Indeed. Sorry man.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

badmemory said:


> Too short,
> 
> When I look back 3 years ago when I discovered the true extent of my wife's betrayal; I wish I could go back to that exact minute and have a do-over. I should have waited to confront her until I had my ducks in a row. But I couldn't wait.
> 
> Don't make the same mistake. Use the period of time between discovery and confrontation wisely. It's precious.


I strongly second this!!!! I made soooooo many mistakes! 

~sammy


----------

