# Anyone else feel like they are spinning their wheels



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

God today has been horrible, just all the past memories keep flooding my mind. With tomorrow being Valentine's day, and then Saturday it's the stbxw birthday, this week is tough. In the past we would always do something special to celebrate this. Just the thought that I feel like all the past memories mean a thousand times more to me than her, knowing that she seems so happy in the life she choose. I'm doing the time for her crime. I'm the one that moved out of our beautiful house, I'm the one that doesn't get to see my kids every day and night now. It feels like I am the one that has lost a lot of the mutual friends (because by my choice I didn't want it to be awkward when their kids and my kids play together, i dropped out of the picture). I'm just a horrible mess. If it wasn't for my two kids I would think the last 11 years were pointless. I wonder if she even really misses me, other than when she gets overwhelmed by chores around the house. I think of the favorite shows we used to watch, sitting with her on the couch for hours, playing with her hair. I know it sounds rough but it was two months ago that we were last intimate, now I have to steel myself with the knowledge that we will never be intimate again. God we had such a connection in that department. I read that in the last ten years 66% of all divorces have been filed by women. So much for men being afraid of committment.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> I read that in the last ten years 66% of all divorces have been filed by women. So much for men being afraid of committment.


Yup...Ive posted this before on another thread, but this whole experience has really turned my whole set of values on its head...especially regarding marriage as an institution.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Exactly, I've tried everything, wanted marriage counseling, nothing


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Mama here again... I wish my man wanted to fight for his marriage like y'all do. 

BUT I have heard similar statistics. 
Reasons that I have heard and discussed are that men don't file b/c they force the women into it by not making decisions and forcing the women into limbo or because the men spend all their money on OW and the women who file are doing it to protect themselves/kids.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Mama here again... I wish my man wanted to fight for his marriage like y'all do.
> 
> BUT I have heard similar statistics.
> Reasons that I have heard and discussed are that men don't file b/c they force the women into it by not making decisions and forcing the women into limbo or because the men spend all their money on OW and the women who file are doing it to protect themselves/kids.


I assume there is an element of that reflected in the figures (abuse/protection issues) but personally I think the reason women file most is that in this day and age, pop culture tells them its ok to do so if they are the slightest bit 'unhappy'. Combine with the women's lib side of it and the breaking of the traditional role of a wife, and the pressures of today's world...its a pattern only set to get worse.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Marriage is an obsolete concept for today's modern urban life. Self centrism is the name of the game and happiness is defined as "doing as you please" in your personal life, while being overly obedient and productive at work.

Social engineering has indeed been very successful, specially in North America.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Marriage is an obsolete concept for today's modern urban life. Self centrism is the name of the game and happiness is defined as "doing as you please" in your personal life, while being overly obedient and productive at work.
> 
> Social engineering has indeed been very successful, specially in North America.


Outstanding observation....actually sums up my stbx to a tee, IMO. In fact, what I expect to happen over the next few months is that she'll develop a relationship with one of her work colleagues...she can then combine the work part with her personal life. One thing I will give her credit for though is she is absolutely putting our daughter first in her life, so she has at least one priority straight.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Marriage is an obsolete concept for today's modern urban life. Self centrism is the name of the game and happiness is defined as "doing as you please" in your personal life, while being overly obedient and productive at work.
> 
> Social engineering has indeed been very successful, specially in North America.


Consumerism is also part of this. Look at the way we consume so many thing in our lives. Don't like what you have? Upgrade... throw it out and get something new... it will take time to learn the new gadget and you might miss the old one, but so what... the new one's got to be better, right?

Nah, I'm not bitter. This isn't to say my stbxw is seeing someone else, or left me for someone else. In fact, she denies both. But increasingly, her reasons for leaving are losing their importance to me. All part of healing, and eventually, being able to not only turn the page but throw away the damn book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> Consumerism is also part of this. Look at the way we consume so many thing in our lives. Don't like what you have? Upgrade... throw it out and get something new... it will take time to learn the new gadget and you might miss the old one, but so what... the new one's got to be better, right?
> 
> Nah, I'm not bitter. This isn't to say my stbxw is seeing someone else, or left me for someone else. In fact, she denies both. But increasingly, her reasons for leaving are losing their importance to me. All part of healing, and eventually, being able to not only turn the page but throw away the damn book.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree about consumerism to a point, but that's what industry is doing by making the products to where they can't be fixed mechanically so that we will have to replace it and spend more money. 

We as people can be 'fixed' if we are willing to work on it, it may take several mechanics/engineers but we are fixable... we just have to value ourselves. Marriage is made up of two people and again able to be fixed it just may take more complex work and be valued by both.


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## Needin_help (Feb 11, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> We as people can be 'fixed' if we are willing to work on it, it may take several mechanics/engineers but we are fixable... we just have to value ourselves. Marriage is made up of two people and again able to be fixed it just may take more complex work and be valued by both.


There lies the problem that I am having. I seem to be the one who wants to fix it, while she doesn't. She tells me she needs to work on herself; work on being stronger, work on her religious needs... and I am fine with that. But why did I have to get stomped on in order for her to work on herself?

She tells me "maybe we can fall in love again" when I asked her about it. But part of me thinks... why would I want to? You treated me this way when all I did was try to support our family and did nothing but love you. What possible reason would I have for wanting to fix this or fall in love with you again? I couldn't trust her, I couldn't go on without thinking about who she may be talking to or that she may lose the feeling again.

But then... I love her.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Needin_help said:


> There lies the problem that I am having. I seem to be the one who wants to fix it, while she doesn't. She tells me she needs to work on herself; work on being stronger, work on her religious needs... and I am fine with that. But why did I have to get stomped on in order for her to work on herself?
> 
> She tells me "maybe we can fall in love again" when I asked her about it. But part of me thinks... why would I want to? You treated me this way when all I did was try to support our family and did nothing but love you. What possible reason would I have for wanting to fix this or fall in love with you again? I couldn't trust her, I couldn't go on without thinking about who she may be talking to or that she may lose the feeling again.
> 
> But then... I love her.


I get that. I really do. Who doesn't love that feeling of 'in love' high when it happens.
To answer the question of "Why would I want to?" do you have to look at these?

Do you have kids?
Do you have a long history together ?
Long history... knows her better than she knows herself 
and vice versa?
family and friends intertwined?
Because you love her... 

I am not giving up on my WAH, but I can't guarantee I won't next month. Maybe give yourself deadlines on what you can and can't put up with?


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