# How do I deal with my husband's anger towards my past promiscuity?



## Friedaw88 (Jul 13, 2021)

My husband and I dated in high school and broke up at 21yrs old after 3.5 yrs and got back together at age 27. For those 6 years I was extremely promiscuous and he wasn't. After being together 6 years and married 5 years with two kids, 3yrs and 1yr, he has learned how slutty I was. I also told him that I slept with another guy when we had been dating only a couple weeks. 
It's been 5 months and he is still angry, (understandably). 
We have good days and bad days. 
We have a great sex life. 
but my question is, is how do I deal with the constant criticism I get for my past behavior? I'm completely committed to my husband and never want to lose him or do anything to hurt him. I also have been faithful for 6 years.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why/how did he learn, 6 years into your marriage, that you were promiscuous when you were single?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Friedaw88 said:


> My husband and I dated in high school and broke up at 21yrs old after 3.5 yrs and got back together at age 27. For those 6 years I was extremely promiscuous and he wasn't. After being together 6 years and married 5 years with two kids, 3yrs and 1yr, he has learned how slutty I was. I also told him that I slept with another guy when we had been dating only a couple weeks.
> It's been 5 months and he is still angry, (understandably).
> We have good days and bad days.
> We have a great sex life.
> but my question is, is how do I deal with the constant criticism I get for my past behavior? I'm completely committed to my husband and never want to lose him or do anything to hurt him. I also have been faithful for 6 years.


Why did you break up at 21?

After you got back together (but before you married), did you lie in response to any questions that he asked about your past during your time apart?

What prompted you to tell him after all this time?

ETA: You mentioned that he learned how “slutty” you were while you were apart — how did he find out?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Time will tell if he can get beyond it. Some men never do.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I’m not sure you can. His idealized picture/vision of you has been crushed. He likely lost respect for you and (depending on the extent of your promiscuity) may even be embarrassed to have married a woman with that kind of past.

The vast majority of men do not want to marry promiscuous woman. The feminist minded folks can get as angry at this as they want to, but it’s reality. 
I’ve seen this happen first hand, and I really wish more young women realized this earlier.

did he have some idea that you got around, and just wasn’t aware of the extent? Or did he truly have no idea?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Friedaw88, 

Did he ask if you were involved with other people when you broke up, or did you minimize, omit or lie about details?

Were the people you were involved with objectionable to him?

I would not call you slutty, I think the problem is more with dishonesty. Possibly also that if he stays with you and is loyal his numbers will always be lower than yours.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

At least half his problem isn't with your promiscuity, it's with the deception. He has just found out that you have been an untrustworthy liar for the whole marriage. He now doubts anything you do or say. He thought he was marrying someone who viewed sex the way he did, and now he's learned that you manipulated him and that you weren't the person he thought you were at all. He feels like he's married to someone he barely knows. And apparently he does have a problem with promiscuity. He may have wanted sex with is wife to be special, with few previous partners on both your parts. He may feel insecure about his lovemaking skills now, realizing that you have more other partners to compare him to than he had realized. You also slept with someone after you began dating him, when he thought the relationship was exclusive, based on his belief that you weren't the sort to sleep around. So now he believes you may be unfaithful again in the future. And because you have established yourself as a liar, he can't believe any of your reassurances otherwise.

I'd recommend counselling. This isn't something you can resolve on your own.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

I understand his anger but I can't say that it has any merit considering you were faithful when with him. It's your body. Did he ask you about your promiscuous period before marriage? I understand his thinking but if he had visions of marrying an angel before and didn't confirm having one when having the chance, I don't see it. With that said, I don't see a solution that would satisfy him neither. It's a matter of two people having to deal with something of which neither is at fault.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How did he find out? Did you confide in him or did he learn from a 3rd party? I don’t know how promiscuous you were and you don’t have to describe it but if he only a had a couple of partners during that time that you had a dozen then it’s a problem that will eventually resolve itself but if it involved threesomes or worse yet gang bangs it may be a deal breaker for him.

I’m sorry if this offends feminist and their fellow manginas but when a man marries a woman, he’s paying a premium price for what she brings. So if she’s been giving what she brings to many guys just for giving her the tingles, he’s going to feel robbed.

Some may advise you to shame him into submission by saying he’s just insecure but thankfully it looks like you are not of that mindset but I’m afraid that many MC will go that route. I think it’s just going to take time for you to convince him that he’s the man you love and that none of those guys compared to him. It’s going to take consistency.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

It sounds like he has retroactive jealousy. That's a tough one. For starters, though, you two need to decide if he's more concerned about your promiscuity or your dishonesty about it.

Ultimately, if it's a "life sentence" in that he can't get over it, you have to decide how long you're willing to accept his treatment of you.

EDITED TO ADD: If you want to find out if you've been given a life sentence, next time he starts in on you, ask him, "What can I do to fix this?" Insist that he answer the question.


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## Pappy Blain (Apr 1, 2021)

F88...you own it and say yes it was fun and exploritory and recless and in my youth that YOU have no jurisdiction over. Then you picked the man that you wanted to be with forever...HIM....because out of the pride he was the alpha male to you.


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## Friedaw88 (Jul 13, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Why/how did he learn, 6 years into your marriage, that you were promiscuous when you were single?


He asked how many people. He asked before we got married but I brushed it off like it didn't matter. 
It sounds stupid, but I never realized how my promiscuity would ruin my marriage and husband, one day.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Friedaw88 said:


> He asked how many people. He asked before we got married but I brushed it off like it didn't matter.
> It sounds stupid, but I never realized how my promiscuity would ruin my marriage and husband, one day.


In effect you lied to him. He is more than justified to be angry and hurt. Actually your marriage is based on that lie and he is more than justified to divorce you. I for one would not be with an overly promiscuous woman, when I was dating, I weeded them out by asking directly. Those who got offended by me asking didn't get another date, those who were promiscuous didn't get another date and those who lied were told off in harsh terms.

Your husband did ask and you lied to him, I don't care if you didn't think it was a big deal, to him it is a deal breaker and he is rightfully angry that he wasted his life and dreams of the future and growing old on someone he wouldn't have married in the first place had she been truthful.

Maybe he can get over his anger, but if he is like me, he most likely wouldn't. Do with this what you want, but realize you are at fault for your fraudulent portrayal of yourself and the hurt you caused this man.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> At least half his problem isn't with your promiscuity, it's with the deception. He has just found out that you have been an untrustworthy liar for the whole marriage. He now doubts anything you do or say. He thought he was marrying someone who viewed sex the way he did, and now he's learned that you manipulated him and that you weren't the person he thought you were at all. He feels like he's married to someone he barely knows. And apparently he does have a problem with promiscuity. He may have wanted sex with is wife to be special, with few previous partners on both your parts. He may feel insecure about his lovemaking skills now, realizing that you have more other partners to compare him to than he had realized. You also slept with someone after you began dating him, when he thought the relationship was exclusive, based on his belief that you weren't the sort to sleep around. So now he believes you may be unfaithful again in the future. And because you have established yourself as a liar, he can't believe any of your reassurances otherwise.
> 
> I'd recommend counselling. This isn't something you can resolve on your own.


I agree. Sometimes the lie is worse than the actual thing that was lied about.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Friedaw88 said:


> My husband and I dated in high school and broke up at 21yrs old after 3.5 yrs and got back together at age 27. For those 6 years I was extremely promiscuous and he wasn't. After being together 6 years and married 5 years with two kids, 3yrs and 1yr, he has learned how slutty I was. I also told him that I slept with another guy when we had been dating only a couple weeks.
> It's been 5 months and he is still angry, (understandably).
> We have good days and bad days.
> We have a great sex life.
> but my question is, is how do I deal with the constant criticism I get for my past behavior? I'm completely committed to my husband and never want to lose him or do anything to hurt him. I also have been faithful for 6 years.


Did you deflect any of his questions regarding your previous partners. I think it's natural for him to ask you what you've been doing for the six years when you were away from each other.

So I'm guessing that you lied or lied by omission. I think you are getting the constant criticism because he feels cheated, even though you actually did not "cheat" on him. I think he feels short-changed because you may have portrayed yourself as someone to him and now he sees you as not being that person. Somehow he had an idea and image of you in his mind and this is quite different than what he knows about you now.

If he wasn't promiscuous during those years then his ideas about physical intimacy are probably different than yours.

I think you and him need to do some individual counseling to start with.

Edited to add: I noticed that you concluded your post by saying that you also have been faithful for six years. I mean, isn't that one of the most basic requirements for a monogamous relationship?


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Here's a post from the other point of view. 










Relationships and Addiction


Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Friedaw88 said:


> He asked how many people. He asked before we got married but I brushed it off like it didn't matter.
> It sounds stupid, but I never realized how my promiscuity would ruin my marriage and husband, one day.


So you were very dishonest and didn't think it would matter? As others have already said it wasn't just the fact that you had multiple partners, but that you lied and married him under false pretences. 
As you have children I hope you can work it out but it will take a long time before he will be able to trust you again. 

I wish people would realise that when they have casual sex they are sleeping with someone else's future husband or wife.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Friedaw88 said:


> He asked how many people. He asked before we got married but I brushed it off like it didn't matter.
> It sounds stupid, but I never realized how my promiscuity would ruin my marriage and husband, one day.


Not to be too ****ty, but if you’d answered the question honestly when he asked prior to marriage, the most that would’ve been ruined is an engagement.

I suspect you knew that, though.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Friedaw88 said:


> He asked how many people. He asked before we got married but I brushed it off like it didn't matter.
> It sounds stupid, but I never realized how my promiscuity would ruin my marriage and husband, one day.


So how promiscuous were you? Do you love sex, or were you just trying to get attention?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m going to go against popular opinion here - he’s got a huge chip on his shoulder. 

TAM is full of posters who come here and talk about their wonderful marriages, they married virgins, never got to play around and now they’re being eaten up by how unfair it is that they had only one partner. Oh I don’t want to cheat, but it’s just that I can’t stop wondering what I missed out on. 

I see it all the time, they marry someone really nice and stable, maybe had strict parents and weren’t allowed to have much of a social life. Maybe they were the fat girl in high school, maybe the angry little weird boy who didn’t have many friends, so they marry the first person that makes them feel good! 

And then it starts. They get to flourish alongside this great spouse who saw the good in them… and then they feel so good they wanna share it with others!! 

So to your husband, he deserves someone like this. 

Give me a promiscuous sinner who made mistakes, a flawed person who’s seen the dark side and learned from their errors. Someone who’s going to be loyal to me because those wasted nights hopping from bed to bed didn’t mean much. Because you hopped from bed to bed knowing that one day you deserved love and monogamy and finally found it, and you’d never use your marriage to hurt your partner by wondering ‘awww, I’m feeling so good now but its killing me that I wasn’t the hot stud/cheerleader and now I can!!’ 

Don’t be ashamed of your past. I think you have the type of man who would still be angry if you told him up front. He’d be angry if you had 3 partners, he’d be angry if you had 30. 

And that’s his cross to bear.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Friedaw88 said:


> He asked how many people. He asked before we got married but I brushed it off like it didn't matter.
> It sounds stupid, but I never realized how my promiscuity would ruin my marriage and husband, one day.


What does that mean? You told him the truth or you avoided the question or???


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Luckylucky said:


> I see it all the time, they marry someone really nice and stable, maybe had strict parents and weren’t allowed to have much of a social life. Maybe they were the fat girl in high school, maybe the angry little weird boy who didn’t have many friends, so they marry the first person that makes them feel good!


I'm not discounting your view... although it's going to come across like I am. However, I'd hazard a guess that those reasons could also be framed as to why / influence some people to be so-called 'promiscuous' as a form of rebelling, getting attention, and proving something to themselves through sex with multiple partners (prior to potential stable relationships, I mean). Granted, I'm not suggesting that's an absolute, just providing a flip-side to the above narrative.

To the OP - how did this conversation come about in recent times if you had dismissed it prior to marriage? Also, what were his experiences during that time? While some feel that you were deceptive by not being upfront when he asked before marriage (if that's the case - your reply could be interpreted different ways here), there's the other school of thought that you weren't together and question whether that's still his business. This debate is constantly raised on TAM. Do you have an understanding from his view, not the crowd consensus here, as to why this has bothered him?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Friedaw88 said:


> but my question is, is how do I deal with the constant criticism I get for my past behavior?


How are the criticisms manifesting?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m going to go against popular opinion here - he’s got a huge chip on his shoulder.
> 
> TAM is full of posters who come here and talk about their wonderful marriages, they married virgins, never got to play around and now they’re being eaten up by how unfair it is that they had only one partner. Oh I don’t want to cheat, but it’s just that I can’t stop wondering what I missed out on.
> 
> ...


OK, so you represent a small minority of men. That’s fine for you, and hopefully highly promiscuous women find men like you once they’re done bed hopping. 
Unfortunately for many women, I suspect there are far fewer men like you than there are promiscuous women.

I also suspect you’re dead wrong about OP’s husband. Most men understand and accept that women will have had other partners so no, I highly doubt he’d care if she had been with 3 other men. Big difference between 3 and 30, or 80.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> OK, so you represent a small minority of men. That’s fine for you, and hopefully highly promiscuous women find men like you once they’re done bed hopping.
> Unfortunately for many women, I suspect there are far fewer men like you than there are promiscuous women.
> 
> I also suspect you’re dead wrong about OP’s husband. Most men understand and accept that women will have had other partners so no, I highly doubt he’d care if she had been with 3 other men. Big difference between 3 and 30, or 80.


Lucky is a woman, as far as I'm aware.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If it was so important to him he should have explained it was important to him and got the answers he needed before he got married. You didn’t cheat on him and you were single at the time. You didn’t do anything wrong. Case closed. 

Your not the villain just because he is insecure.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

heartsbeating said:


> Lucky is a woman, as far as I'm aware.


I guess you’re right, for some reason this kind of threw me I guess. Sorry Lucky
“Give me a promiscuous sinner who made mistakes, a flawed person who’s seen the dark side and learned from their errors. Someone who’s going to be loyal to me because those wasted nights hopping from bed to bed didn’t mean much.”


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@DudeInProgress 

I’m a woman, married and loyal, I don’t seek attention from other men, don’t think about the men I slept with, and I’m not ashamed of my past, nor am I proud either. My past is a story I talk about - it happened. 

I was promiscuous, shamed by the virgins, shamed by men. I wasn’t the girl anyone wanted to marry, but the girl people’s husbands wanted to sleep with. 

And I want exactly cheap and easy, just a girl looking for love. 

I was also the daughter of a woman (virgin when married) who spent her whole life wondering what she missed out on and we all paid the price.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> If it was so important to him he should have explained it was important to him and got the answers he needed before he got married. You didn’t cheat on him and you were single at the time. You didn’t do anything wrong. Case closed.
> 
> Your not the villain just because he is insecure.


Do you want to feel good, or do you want to do good?

because if you actually want to do good, you won’t give women this kind of advice because it hurts them. In OP‘s case it doesn’t really matter at this point, she is where she is and hopefully they’ll be able to deal with it effectively and get past it. I hope so.

For young, single women, they need to be told the truth and the reality - that most men do not want to marry promiscuous women.

You can shake your fist at the sky and scream and it’s not fair and how terrible it is, and that it’s a double standard, etc, etc, etc. 
But the reality is that for women, promiscuity reduces their desirability as a long-term/marriage partner in the eyes of most men. And they need to understand this and they can make their choices from there. It’s sad to see cases like this, we’re all P didn’t realize the impact that her promiscuity would have on her future husband/prospective husband.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> I guess you’re right, for some reason this kind of threw me I guess. Sorry Lucky
> “Give me a promiscuous sinner who made mistakes, a flawed person who’s seen the dark side and learned from their errors. Someone who’s going to be loyal to me because those wasted nights hopping from bed to bed didn’t mean much.”


I take Lucky's post as a juxtaposition (watch out, big word there, hopefully used in the correct context) to the TAM posters she has observed; and which is not gender-specific.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> @DudeInProgress
> 
> I’m a woman, married and loyal, I don’t seek attention from other men, don’t think about the men I slept with, and I’m not ashamed of my past, nor am I proud either. My past is a story I talk about - it happened.
> 
> ...


Then you should understand the importance of teaching young women the reality that most men do not view promiscuity positively when looking for a wife/LTR. And it can affect them negatively later on, as with OP. It’s sad to hear cases like this, or OP states that she really never realized that her past promiscuity might come back to affect her marriage/husband.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

Did you give him a number? What was the number? I guess it was fairly high. You also told him you cheated on him before when you first got together and he probably had an idealised view of your early romance.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> Do you want to feel good, or do you want to do good?
> 
> because if you actually want to do good, you won’t give women this kind of advice because it hurts them. In OP‘s case it doesn’t really matter at this point, she is where she is and hopefully they’ll be able to deal with it effectively and get past it. I hope so.
> 
> ...


Right ..... because your the representative for the thoughts of every man on the planet. Well .... OK ..... maybe just those who aren’t strong enough to ask before getting married and then blame their partner for it later.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

It's true guys hate to think of their girlfriend with another guy. I don't like to think of my ex-gf with her new guy and we broke up ages ago. I always kinda hoped it would work out for us. So to think of "my wife" with all those men yeah owch. I never asked my ex-wife for a number. I've always chosen more of a don't ask, don't tell policy. Maybe it explains my own failed relationships that I have always not gone there. I probably should have asked early on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> If it was so important to him he should have explained it was important to him and got the answers he needed before he got married. You didn’t cheat on him and you were single at the time. You didn’t do anything wrong. Case closed.
> 
> Your not the villain just because he is insecure.


This. Your perception is he's jealous of the other men but the truth is he's jealous that you got to do that and he didn't.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This. Your perception is he's jealous of the other men but the truth is he's jealous that you got to do that and he didn't.


So what? She lied to him when he asked. She denied him the agency to make an informed decision. He could have nexted her if he knew about her promiscuity (had she not lied) and this jealousy (which by the way is really natural) would not have been a factor at all.

Some of us just don't want a once promiscuous woman as a wife. That's our choice and we won't be shamed for that choice.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When he asked his then girlfriend what her partner count was she should have told him it was none of his business.
He could have either accepted that or broken up.
Now he has a choice, he either stays or leaves but what he doesn’t get to do is hold this over the op for the rest of their lives.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m not religious at all, my favourite bit in the bible was the bit where the most loyal person to Jesus in the end was Mary Magdalene. The prostitute. 

Most of the others? 

Jesus was good for them when he propped them up, and look how that ended.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Friedaw88 said:


> He asked how many people. He asked before we got married but I brushed it off like it didn't matter.
> It sounds stupid, but I never realized how my promiscuity would ruin my marriage and husband, one day.


 sorry to tell you but many people on here think you must tell all , 

But the truth is you did no wrong , your past was your past , the mistake was in he asking 
when he was not ready for the information , telling can be good if the two people can handle the information in a grown up way ,
IT can even help in taking the relationship to the next level 
When you are regularly sharing intimate aspects of your life, it might feel like withholding this one piece of personal information is using up a lot of mental energy. 

Any relationship that is set to last is built on two fundamental things - trust and respect.
I think that comes with sharing as much about you as you possibly can, inclusive of sexual history,

you have the right to you history , and your secret garden what is in the past is in the past and should be left in the past 
whether you don't know the number or just aren't comfortable sharing it, 
*you* never need *to* feel pressure *to tell 
and the people here asking your number have no right to know 
While it's important to be open and honest in your relationships, you're allowed (and encouraged!) to have your own boundaries and privacy. 

IT is silly to ask your partners history if you think you can't handle it , 
it is called history because it should be left in the past 

these questions start off simple with a question like what is your number then it can get out of hand asking all sorts of things that end up making the person asking feel low 
like what did you do with them and the size question gets in as well *

I'll tell you right now that you get to do whatever the heck you want to do.
You are not required to tell your partner the specifics of your sexual history, 

it's more important to be transparent about what you want in the present. Being open and honest about your feelings and intentions is vital to a healthy relationship,

Being detailed about former sexual history can create problems for your mate, as this type of information creates comparison and insecurity.

haven said that it can be a good thing to tell your past and also saying sometimes it is best not to ask your question now is 

HOW DO YOU GET BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE 
there might be no going back , a lot is up to how he processes the information in his time , 

Dealing with your partner’s past can be difficult, but in most cases it doesn’t need to be a deal-breaker for the relationship. However, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy to get over. In fact, for some, feeling they can’t get over a partner’s past can cause significant problems within the relationship. 

IF he Can’t get over your past If you can’t figure it out, or don’t know what to do next, then get help from an experienced counselor to give you more insight.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This. Your perception is he's jealous of the other men but the truth is he's jealous that you got to do that and he didn't.


That’s right, she’s married to a competitor. 

And many of these cases are just that - one partner is jealous they didn’t get to do this or that. 

Marriage is not a competition.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m not religious at all, my favourite bit in the bible was the bit where the most loyal person to Jesus in the end was Mary Magdalene. The prostitute.
> 
> Most of the others?
> 
> Jesus was good for them when he propped them up, and look how that ended.


 ...please don't start a religious debate... I don't know whether to grab the popcorn or log-off!

I'm not religious either.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> ...please don't start a religious debate... I don't know whether to grab the popcorn or log-off!
> 
> I'm not religious either.


Hey sorry! But aren’t we all so righteous sometimes?? 

😃


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dictum Veritas said:


> She lied to him when he asked. She denied him the agency to make an informed decision.


She brushed it off ..... he didn’t demand clarification. HE DENIED HIMSELF.....not her.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Goobertron said:


> Did you give him a number? What was the number? I guess it was fairly high. You also told him you cheated on him before when you first got together and he probably had an idealised view of your early romance.


That could be debatable as to whether that was 'cheating'...they'd only been dating a few weeks, so unless within that time they had declared they were going to be exclusive, I don't see the harm there. Sure, it might have adjusted his perceptions of those early days - but only he can say whether that's the case or not - and then determine how he's going to get right with it for himself.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> That’s right, she’s married to a competitor.
> 
> And many of these cases are just that - one partner is jealous they didn’t get to do this or that.
> 
> Marriage is not a competition.


or he now thinks he is not up to the other guys , he thinks they were better in bed and all types of crap


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> or he now thinks he is not up to the other guys , he thinks they were better in bed and all types of crap


That’s on him.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> That could be debatable as to whether that was 'cheating'...they'd only been dating a few weeks, so unless within that time they had declared they were going to be exclusive, I don't see the harm there. Sure, it might have adjusted his perceptions of those early days - but only he can say whether that's the case or not - and then determine how he's going to get right with it for himself.


 they have 6 years together and 2 kids , he should be think along the lines that she picked him out of all the guys to be a life mate , he should be proud of himself , 


Luckylucky said:


> That’s on him.


true it is why I said in my other post he should not ask if he can't handle the info


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> She brushed it off ..... he didn’t demand clarification. HE DENIED HIMSELF.....not her.


How did she brush it off? My impression of the conversation is:

He: "So, did you sleep with quite a couple of guys and something notable happen there when were not together?"
Her (brushoff): "Nah, there were a couple and nothing really to tell."

That is still a lie, even if he accepted it.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> How did she brush it off? My impression of the conversation is:
> 
> He: "So, did you sleep with quite a couple of guys and something notable happen there when were not together?"
> Her (brushoff): "Nah, there were a couple and nothing really to tell."
> ...


 and now that the cat is out of the bag what do you think they can do ?
she came here for help not to be stoned


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dictum Veritas said:


> How did she brush it off? My impression of the conversation is:
> 
> He: "So, did you sleep with quite a couple of guys and something notable happen there when were not together?"
> Her (brushoff): "Nah, there were a couple and nothing really to tell."
> ...


Your putting words in her mouth


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Luckylucky said:


> That’s right, she’s married to a competitor.
> 
> And many of these cases are just that - one partner is jealous they didn’t get to do this or that.
> 
> Marriage is not a competition.


I'm still reserving to understand why this is bothering him as of 5 months ago. There's little detail shared so far (and I'm not referring to the details of her encounters, I mean what occurred for this to surface in recent times). Sure, the TAM posters may well still be correct, anyway, I digress...

The choice of wording here is interesting to me 'one partner is jealous they *didn't get to* do this or that' ...it smacks of some kind of lack of agency; rather than they *chose not to* do this or that. What I'm getting at (...my point will emerge eventually) is not a critique of your statement, rather that for people who feel some kind of jealousy in that comparison or power imbalance or competition with their spouse, there's some kind of lack of ownership for their own choices and decisions. And which has nothing to do with their spouse.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> and now that the cat is out of the bag what do you think they can do ?
> she came here for help not to be stoned


If her husband is like me, accept the marriage is over and give him an amicable divorce. I would not want to be in a marriage based on a lie.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Your putting words in her mouth


And by imagining it differently, you are not? She has not answered this specific question and for that reason both points of view is pure speculation.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I can relate somewhat from my personal experience and I will be probably be a minority here.

I don't know what "brushed off" really means. You outright lied to your husband when he asked you about you past or you just did not want to elaborate not to hurt him.

First if I read you post correctly you never cheated on your husband during both periods you were together. 

From my personal experience I am convinced the best approach is for both partners to reveal all their past to each other in the beginning of the relationship and then NEVER (assuming they want future together) discuss this again worse use as shame or blame each other. This did not happen to you and did not happen to me. and it is not you not telling your husband all details about you past that is threatening to destroy your marriage, it is your husband shaming you that is a threat to your marriage. if your revealed past (or him discovered you lied) was that horrible to your husband he would have ended your marriage the moment he discovered about it. Now he is constantly shaming you which is disgusting.

You need to have a talk with your husband. You need to tell him that you really sorry you did not reveal initially all details about your past. you did this only because you loved him and love him now and did not want to hurt him. You understand now it was a mistake and yo are sorry for this. However, you should stress it firmly that you are hurt a lot by him constantly shaming you about your past and if you both want to keep married you can answer any his questions about you past right now and you will tell him any details still not revealed. But this will be the last conversation about your past and he cannot bring your past EVER again. If he ever brings up your past and uses against you this will indicate an end to your marriage.

BTW, sleeping with a guy after dating him for few weeks is not slutty. My own wife did way more wild things before we were together and I don't even consider them slutty.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Friedaw88 said:


> My husband and I dated in high school and broke up at 21yrs old after 3.5 yrs and got back together at age 27. For those 6 years I was extremely promiscuous and he wasn't. After being together 6 years and married 5 years with two kids, 3yrs and 1yr, he has learned how slutty I was. I also told him that I slept with another guy when we had been dating only a couple weeks.
> It's been 5 months and he is still angry, (understandably).
> We have good days and bad days.
> We have a great sex life.
> but my question is, is how do I deal with the constant criticism I get for my past behavior? I'm completely committed to my husband and never want to lose him or do anything to hurt him. I also have been faithful for 6 years.


Yeah sorry about everything going sideways there.

My personal opinion is that you are taking on too much of this problem that isn’t yours. You are not responsible for him not clarifying what he needed.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm still reserving to understand why this is bothering him as of 5 months ago. There's little detail shared so far (and I'm not referring to the details of her encounters, I mean what occurred for this to surface in recent times). Sure, the TAM posters may well still be correct, anyway, I digress...
> 
> The choice of wording here is interesting to me 'one partner is jealous they *didn't get to* do this or that' ...it smacks of some kind of lack of agency; rather than they *chose not to* do this or not. What I'm getting at (...my point will emerge eventually) is not a critique of your statement, rather that for people who feel some kind of jealousy in that comparison or power imbalance or competition with their spouse, there's some kind of lack of ownership for their own choices and decisions. And which has nothing to do with their spouse.


For most men it would have nothing to do with competition or jealousy that she did and he didn’t. I think that is nonsense.

It’s simply that most men don’t want to marry promiscuous women. It’s that simple. OPs husband didn’t realize his wife had been that promiscuous. He later learned she was and it shattered his perception of her.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> For most men it would have nothing to do with competition or jealousy that she did and he didn’t. I think that is nonsense.
> 
> It’s simply that most men don’t want to marry promiscuous women. It’s that simple. OPs husband didn’t realize his wife had been that promiscuous. He later learned she was and it shattered his perception of her.


Your point is valid for some men. I don't disagree. And I think the point that some kind of jealousy or misguided competition towards a spouse, for lack of better words, is also a valid point. I do hope the OP returns to shed some light on some questions asked in order to guide how she navigates this for herself, yet with him.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

As someone who suffers from it myself, he definitely has retroactive jealousy. 

It’s one thing if he’s upset about people you were with before you even knew each other. But the one where you slept with someone while together and he thought you were exclusive that would be a dealbreaker for me. Seems like an incredibly selfish thing to do. I wouldn’t be able to get over that one ever. 

I’ve had a somewhat similar experience in my marriage to yours so I’ll offer my viewpoint. I’ll preface it by saying that yes I understand this is my issue and not hers. I do have a chip on my shoulder about it and I’m looking into the therapy for it. 

When I met my wife ten years ago she had just divorced about two years prior. She stayed single for a year and then began dating. I had just gotten out of a 4 year LTR which ended when I was cheated on. 

When my wife and I first started talking she told me about her divorce and the first guy she dated after. So I assumed that’s all there was and said OK fair enough. We started dating and it was great from the start and we were virtually inseparable. Three months into the relationship at her apartment one night I got on her laptop to check my email. The trash can was open and there was a pic. I opened it and it was a pic of some dude I had never seen before (I had seen her ex husband and subsequent BF by this point). I asked her who he was and she got flustered. She said she went on a few dates with him. I said why didn’t you tell me about him? She said “I didn’t think it was important.” Ok yeah, maybe not so important? But if I’m trying gauge who you are when I barely know you, kinda important. 

This sent me on a tailspin into retroactive jealously like never before. I had never experienced RJ in my previous relationships even though those girls had way higher body counts than my wife. I had done just about anything you can think of with them too sexually. It’s not like I was chaste myself but overall my number is much lower than hers. Admittedly I have always suffered from mild OCD even before meeting her. More of what they call “Pure O” where it’s thought based with getting stuck in thought loops. So I think I’m more susceptible to this to begin with. 

So after discovering this dude’s pic 
I questioned whether I could really trust her and wondered what else she was hiding. My concern was really that I could be cheated on again. 

So while she was asleep I went through her phone and read all her texts. Ok yeah a violation of her privacy. But I had to know. A few keyword searches later and I had determined she had slept with five guys total in that year. Significantly more than the one guy she told me about. Furthermore the last guy she slept with was two weeks before we met but while we were talking already and I thought we were moving towards something. She adamantly denied it and said it was months before we met not knowing I already knew the answer. Her boldfaced lies about it didn’t make me feel better. When she finally confessed we almost broke up. She said it shouldn’t matter because we weren’t officially together yet. I could see her point but for whatever reason it hurt me so bad. I felt like, what, you can just bounce from new guy to new guy like changing your underwear? Was I just the fall back guy? She talked me out of breaking up and told me she loved me and we stayed together. 

I also saw texts between the first guy and her that were sexually explicit in nature and talking about things they had done. I saw her saying things she had never said to me and things so dirty I never thought in a million years she would say. She claims at the time she was responding to him like that because she felt pressured to be sexy or she thought he wouldn’t like her. But idk if I’ve ever believed that really. 

So seeing all this stuff did nothing to help at all. If I could rewind I would have never looked. It left me when mental imagery that even ten years later will bother me at times even though overall we’ve had a good marriage. It’s definitely been my cross to bear. 

I think I had built a really idealized image of her in my head and this shattered it. It sounds bad and self-righteous, but it made me resent her and lose respect for her at the time. We worked through that with a lot of reassurances from her. I honestly didn’t think of it much at all in the past decade but some recent things have made me relapse lately it seems. That’s why I’m now looking into therapy. I can’t let something that’s in the past and unimportant hurt our relationship any more.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> For most men it would have nothing to do with competition or jealousy that she did and he didn’t. I think that is nonsense.
> 
> It’s simply that most men don’t want to marry promiscuous women. It’s that simple. OPs husband didn’t realize his wife had been that promiscuous. He later learned she was and it shattered his perception of her.


 he who is without sin can through the first stone , 
he had sex with her the first time he was dating with her , HE DATED OTHER WOMEN AND HAD SEX WITH THEM just because his number is less than hers is the problem ,


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> he who is without sin can through the first stone ,
> he had sex with her the first time he was dating with her , HE DATED OTHER WOMEN AND HAD SEX WITH THEM just because his number is less than hers is the problem ,


No, he who has standards, live by them. My wife knows my sexual history (not colorful really, but more so than hers) and she could have rejected me for it if she wanted to. It was her choice. If a man chooses to reject a woman for being promiscuous, it's his choice and a choice he aught to be able to make based on the truth, not bereft of agency by a lie.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> @DudeInProgress
> 
> I’m a woman, married and loyal, I don’t seek attention from other men, don’t think about the men I slept with, and I’m not ashamed of my past, nor am I proud either. My past is a story I talk about - it happened.
> 
> ...


You sound a lot like my wife. She is loyal and devoted, doesn’t seek attention from other men. She tells me she doesn’t think about any other guys she was with and that she doesn’t compare me to them. She says I think about them way more than she ever does. My concern was always, am I being compared to someone else? Was someone else better than me in some way?


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

frenchpaddy said:


> he who is without sin can through the first stone ,
> he had sex with her the first time he was dating with her , HE DATED OTHER WOMEN AND HAD SEX WITH THEM just because his number is less than hers is the problem ,


I don't think its the same. I think it might get right down to not wanting to invest in a person that a lot of other people have "experienced". It devalues it. It's also embarrassing when people talk about your partner's past etc. I tried to come up with an analogy but yeah it might be like buying a can of Pringles to find out everyone else has also had those same pringles before you and you are getting second hand replacement pringles which slept with some dudes you hope you don't have to look in the eye. Trust is an important thing. If someone has learned to be promiscuous they could just fall back on that. All of a sudden he is EXTREMELY replaceable.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

frenchpaddy said:


> he who is without sin can through the first stone ,
> he had sex with her the first time he was dating with her , HE DATED OTHER WOMEN AND HAD SEX WITH THEM just because his number is less than hers is the problem ,


I don’t know what any of that has to do with the situation at hand. 
OPs husband didn’t want to marry a promiscuous woman. He is allowed to have standards. He found out after the fact and is upset.

Generally speaking, most men who have only been with a few women don’t want to marry a promiscuous woman. And generally speaking, most men who have been with many women don’t want to marry a promiscuous woman. 

It’s not about competing and it’s not about equity, it’s about the reality that most men don’t want to marry promiscuous women.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

I can only speculate on what happened as OP hasn't returned...

My guess: 

OP initiated the breakup
OP had lots of sex with many different guys
OP couldn't find anyone that was lifemate material
OP initiated contact with ex who IS good lifemate material
OP lies "not many", "a few", and gets him to marry her
Years later she comes clean
OP's H feels like the backup plan and also knows with a number that high it's likely that when they go places they run into OP's previous sex partners and he also knows with a number that high that there is no way he's her best ever.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

jjj858 said:


> As someone who suffers from it myself, he definitely has retroactive jealousy.
> 
> It’s one thing if he’s upset about people you were with before you even knew each other. But the one where you slept with someone while together and he thought you were exclusive that would be a dealbreaker for me. Seems like an incredibly selfish thing to do. I wouldn’t be able to get over that one ever.
> 
> ...


Your ability to self identify those issues and navigate them is the difference between you and this woman’s husband.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Your ability to self identify those issues and navigate them is the difference between you and this woman’s husband.


OPs husband obviously didn’t want a promiscuous woman for a wife, and that’s ok. He’s allowed to have standards. He found out after the fact that she was promiscuous, and that is problematic.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

GoldenR said:


> I can only speculate on what happened as OP hasn't returned...
> 
> My guess:
> 
> ...


sorry but this is going relay relay far , to speculate on the ops history and "OP initiated contact with ex who IS good lifemate material "
it is going far beyond what we are here for and acting judge and jury of op when op is here looking for advice on how to improve where she has found herself , 
I would not be surprised if OP never came back after the judging she has received from people many of which admit have been promiscuous men in their past 

I would be very happy to have a woman with a history that has had 6 years of good life shared with me and mother of my two children , that has and still does enjoy a good sex life to been with a woman that once the ring was slipped on her finger the sex life ended as is the case we often come across on here 
OP's husband has found out his wife was more promiscuous then he and instead of looking at what he has together is looking at her past 
yes if he was a virgin he has the right to be up set but it is not the case 

the husband is feeling insecure,


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> If it was so important to him he should have explained it was important to him and got the answers he needed before he got married. You didn’t cheat on him and you were single at the time. You didn’t do anything wrong. Case closed.
> 
> Your not the villain just because he is insecure.


He asked, she lied. Nothing to do with insecurity but being deceived.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> sorry but this is going relay relay far , to speculate on the ops history and "OP initiated contact with ex who IS good lifemate material "
> it is going far beyond what we are here for and acting judge and jury of op when op is here looking for advice on how to improve where she has found herself ,
> I would not be surprised if OP never came back after the judging she has received from people many of which admit have been promiscuous men in their past
> 
> ...


Again, the husband is allowed to have standards. The husband is allowed to be mad as heck to find out his marriage was based on a lie. None of this makes him insecure. The lack of promiscuity is important to him and not to her.

Questioning how many more disconnects there are and being mad at himself for missing this one is not insecure, it's natural.

Questioning how many other things that is important to him she has lied about because she didn't deem them important is not insecure, it is natural.

How can you expect him to look at their 6 years together as nothing but a farce based on lies? No, a man mad at his wife for having been promiscuous and hiding the fact from him when it is against his standards is anything but insecure, he is miffed and rightfully so.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

frenchpaddy said:


> OP's husband has found out his wife was more promiscuous then he and instead of looking at what he has together is looking at her past
> yes if he was a virgin he has the right to be up set but it is not the case
> 
> the husband is feeling insecure,


You are speculating as much as anyone else here in your opposing view. At least I said mine was a guess, you are attempting to state facts that none of us have, unless OP's H msged you and told you that he too was promiscuous, just not as much as her.

Her H didn't find out she was more promiscuous than him. HE FOUND OUT SHE LIED.

There is no debating that fact, yet you continue to try to minimize and downplay it. OP admitted that she lied.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

jjj858 said:


> You sound a lot like my wife. She is loyal and devoted, doesn’t seek attention from other men. She tells me she doesn’t think about any other guys she was with and that she doesn’t compare me to them. She says I think about them way more than she ever does. My concern was always, am I being compared to someone else? Was someone else better than me in some way?


And you sound like my husband - I don’t ever want to think about those men, she is right, you think about them more than her. I don’t want to ever be reminded of them, I love the one I’ve got ❤ So be assured you probably are being compared! In the best way. Her loyalty shows you that she is comparing you to them - you are the clear winner 🤗


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> You didn’t do anything wrong. Case closed.


But her question isn't "did I do anything wrong?"

Her question I believe is "how do we fix it?" Especially given there are children. When people pay me to work on this kind of thing, I can't be like some kind of judge and pronounce on who did wrong. The question was:


Friedaw88 said:


> my question is, is how do I deal with the constant criticism I get for my past behavior? I'm completely committed to my husband and never want to lose him


Not sure if the OP is still here.
It's a long process, and I'd need to hear a lot more from both sides, but my initial comment would be: try to understand how hurt he is. *DON'T* try to understand why, or whether he's "right" to feel how he feels, or whether or not you did anything wrong. Stay away from "why?". That's if you want to fix it, which you say you do.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> And you sound like my husband - I don’t ever want to think about those men, she is right, you think about them more than her. I don’t want to ever be reminded of them, I love the one I’ve got ❤ So be assured you probably are being compared! In the best way. Her loyalty shows you that she is comparing you to them - you are the clear winner 🤗


That was a lovely comment, and I really needed to hear that, thank you. ☺

I’m sure your husband really loves you. I don’t think any of your past would bother him if he didn’t. It’s because he idealized you so much that it hurts him. I would say just be patient with him, which I’m sure you are, and give him a lot of reassurance and maybe words of affirmation. You really are that person he idealized and everything he thought was wonderful about you really is true. You may just need to keep showing him that.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Very few people come together having slept with the same number of people, or indeed, not having slept with anyone at all. in todays world not many grow up with hang up thinking sex before marriage is bad Most of us go through a period when we are more interested in fun than we are a serious relationship. It doesn't seem to have done her any harm if she is part of a "loving and faithful" relationship now.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Is there a chart somewhere which states different levels of promiscuity? Is there different grades, slightly promiscuous, average promiscuous, totally promiscuous? And who gets to judge. 
Does having twelve different partners in six years make the op promiscuous? That’s one partner every six months. 
What about if she had twenty four partners in six years? That’s one partner every three months.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Is there a chart somewhere which states different levels of promiscuity? Is there different grades, slightly promiscuous, average promiscuous, totally promiscuous? And who gets to judge.
> Does having twelve different partners in six years make the op promiscuous? That’s one partner every six months.
> What about if she had twenty four partners in six years? That’s one partner every three months.


Why do people always insist on quantifying something subject to subjective judgement? It is up to every man/woman to judge what he/she sees as too promiscuous. In this case it's up to OP's husband. If you are happy to marry a woman who has sampled the entire male population then that is your judgement call and all strength to you. That still doesn't give anyone the right to judge a man/woman if he/she won't settle for anything less than a virgin.

No-one owes anyone a relationship and can disqualify them for any reason under the sun and it won't be anyone's business. But lying to a person about something you know would be a deal-breaker in order to trick them into a marriage, that's nothing short of despicable, even if the criteria you lied about means nothing to you as a person.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Laurentium said:


> But her question isn't "did I do anything wrong?"
> 
> Her question I believe is "how do we fix it?" Especially given there are children. When people pay me to work on this kind of thing, I can't be like some kind of judge and pronounce on who did wrong. The question was:
> 
> ...


And that’s why you get paid the big bucks (compared to our free suggestions).


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I understand his distress because You violated two rules: One, she didn’t tell you when she should have told him . Two, when she told him, she told him too much. But you now need to put what you’ve learned into perspective. You two have been together for six years, and you don’t indicate that during that time he have ever had cause to doubt his wife’s fidelity or her satisfaction with their sex life. I don’t know if meeting you was the turning point in her life, or if by the time she met you she had moved past her promiscuous life and was ready for a more fulfilling relationship. Whatever it was, it’s clear that when you got together she was a different person from the one who sought out illicit . You must know that people do change and that many people are able to leave destructive habits behind for good. 
his wife was not obligated to spill all were courting. But at some point after you two became serious, she should have informed him to some degree about her past, enough to convey the salient point that she once went through a difficult period during which she through sex was ok to give freely . She could have mentioned that she’d slept with men without going into detail. It would have allowed him to have a sense of her past without having disturbing images seared in his mind.


What’s important now is to remember that his wife is the same person he has known for the past 6 years her past is in the past 
and that there’s no reason this confession should cast a shadow on their good fortune.

he has just recently got this news and has understandably been ruminating on it.
Now it’s time to stop.
See if he can decide to push these thoughts out of his mind and make the choice to return to being grateful for your life together.

I think there is nothing the OP can do it is up to the husband to find his road


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Why do people always insist on quantifying something subject to subjective judgement? It is up to every man/woman to judge what he/she sees as too promiscuous. In this case it's up to OP's husband. If you are happy to marry a woman who has sampled the entire male population then that is your judgement call and all strength to you. That still doesn't give anyone the right to judge a man/woman if he/she won't settle for anything less than a virgin.
> 
> No-one owes anyone a relationship and can disqualify them for any reason under the sun and it won't be anyone's business. But lying to a person about something you know would be a deal-breaker in order to trick them into a marriage, that's nothing short of despicable, even if the criteria you lied about means nothing to you as a person.


this I agree with , it is not up to us to judge her or it is not up to us to say what her husband should expect , as long as he is not expecting something he himself is not , ,


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> this I agree with , it is not up to us to judge her or it is not up to us to say what her husband should expect , as long as he is not expecting something he himself is not , ,


It's not about equity or equality, it is about judgement. If he did something else in his past his wife could not accept and lied about it, I would be defending her right to her emotions as much as I am defending his now.

If she slept with 500 men and their relatives and disclosed it to him and he was accepting thereof, then no big deal. Even if she had double standards having slept with so many and not accepting of a man who slept with 10 women, that would be her right as well. Switch the genders and it still holds true No one is owed a relationship with anybody else and lying about a known or suspected deal-breaker to get into a marriage with someone is nothing short of fraud. No matter what that criteria is or if it is a double standard in anyone's judgement.

This is a question of informed consent and has nothing to do with equity or equality.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Why do people always insist on quantifying something subject to subjective judgement? It is up to every man/woman to judge what he/she sees as too promiscuous. In this case it's up to OP's husband. If you are happy to marry a woman who has sampled the entire male population then that is your judgement call and all strength to you. That still doesn't give anyone the right to judge a man/woman if he/she won't settle for anything less than a virgin.
> 
> No-one owes anyone a relationship and can disqualify them for any reason under the sun and it won't be anyone's business. But lying to a person about something you know would be a deal-breaker in order to trick them into a marriage, that's nothing short of despicable, even if the criteria you lied about means nothing to you as a person.


Using your criteria if a man decides that one partner every two years is overly promiscuous then he is entitled to in your words an “amicable divorce”. 
Is there a statute of limitations on this or can he decide at any stage of the marriage that his wife had misbehaved in her single days and needed to be punished. 
And is there a statute of limitations on how long he punishes her for. He’s still there six months down the line without showing any sign of leaving. 
People come on this forum for help and advice, not to be hung drawn and quartered, you need to come off your high-horse and remember this. 

Your name means a formal pronouncement of the mighty truth. Is this a self anointed title or do you actually believe it?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> REDACTED BY MODERATOR


no one asked for this topic to be summarize ,
sorry I don't need it and feel your starting to force your point ,
my post you quoted was pointed to the OP and is the last i have to add until she has time to respond
if she never comes back I would not blame her


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Using your criteria if a man decides that one partner every two years is overly promiscuous then he is entitled to in your words an “amicable divorce”.
> Is there a statute of limitations on this or can he decide at any stage of the marriage that his wife had misbehaved in her single days and needed to be punished.
> And is there a statute of limitations on how long he punishes her for. He’s still there six months down the line without showing any sign of leaving.


My answer to this: if the man or woman were lied to regarding body count, they can divorce with feeling no guilt.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Using your criteria if a man decides that one partner every two years is overly promiscuous then he is entitled to in your words an “amicable divorce”.


If the partner was lied to about a criteria he/she sees as paramount to the foundation of a marriage, the marriage is built on a fraudulent base and the person lied to is entitled to an amicable divorce.



Andy1001 said:


> Is there a statute of limitations on this or can he decide at any stage of the marriage that his wife had misbehaved in her single days and needed to be punished.


There is no statute of limitations, I would argue the inverse, the more time has passed between the lie and the truth being found out, the more time the injured party has spent in the fraud (wasting his/her life) and the more egregious and compounded by implicated repetition the lie becomes.



Andy1001 said:


> And is there a statute of limitations on how long he punishes her for. He’s still there six months down the line without showing any sign of leaving.
> People come on this forum for help and advice, not to be hung drawn and quartered, you need to come off your high-horse and remember this.


For as long as she allows it, he should arguably have filed for divorce already, but his life is blown apart by this lie and he is likely still trying to reconcile the cognitive dissonance this lie has created for himself, even six months out. There is however nothing stopping her from filing for divorce if this is untenable.

Your admonishment is noted and I have to mention, water of a duck's back.



Andy1001 said:


> Your name means a formal pronouncement of the mighty truth. Is this a self anointed title or do you actually believe it?


This is a tangent to the point and a baited question I will not engage in.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

heartsbeating said:


> And that’s why you get paid the big bucks (compared to our free suggestions).


Lol at "big bucks" but yeah, I am trying to do something different


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

I would say the best thing she can do is try to be patient with him and perhaps even get couples therapy. She needs to reassure him that nothing has changed. That it was how she was in a stage of her life and that she learned the values that she has today from those experiences. She's still the same person she was before she let the cat out of the bag. He may look at her and all of a sudden feel like he doesn't know her and that can create a lot of sudden emotional distance. I recommend the don't ask don't tell body count policy. Some things are better off not knowing. 

This whole thread reminds me of a recent youtube video I saw where a porn actress was saying she could not find a guy to commit to her. Sure plently want to sleep with her but its an inverse relationship to get a commitment.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Using your criteria if a man decides that one partner every two years is overly promiscuous then he is entitled to in your words an “amicable divorce”.
> Is there a statute of limitations on this or can he decide at any stage of the marriage that his wife had misbehaved in her single days and needed to be punished.
> And is there a statute of limitations on how long he punishes her for. He’s still there six months down the line without showing any sign of leaving.


In my case I had the choice to leave three months into the relationship when finding out the body count was higher than I found acceptable for a one year period. I chose to stay because her good qualities far outweighed that questionable behavior. Almost ten years later we are still together with a child now. It would be foolish of me to leave now just because of that. It also wouldn’t make sense when I could’ve left before we were married and with child. But...I won’t pretend like it still doesn’t bother me from time to time. I think sometimes how would life be different if I had found someone who had less of a count. Would I be able to love them more completely because my mind wouldn’t be clouded by a promiscuous past? I try my best to not let it affect my love and interactions with her, but I can’t lie and say it isn’t hard. Sometimes I think maybe I should have broken up with her then. She deserved to have someone who wouldn’t hold things against her and I deserved to have someone without a past that makes me uncomfortable. But ultimately I think it’s just me. I probably would’ve found something to be upset about with anybody whether it was one guy or ten.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you asked him what you can do to help him alleviate his anger? Would the truth have been a deal breaker for him? Is the truth a deal breaker now? 

He asked, you brushed it off and he accepted your non-answer. He really doesn't have the right to castigate you at this point. His anger may (in part) be due to him knowing he didn't follow through with the questioning and is feeling like a dunce. I'm pretty sure he wasn't celibate for 6 years. So what if he only had one flavor of ice cream and you enjoyed all 31.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Friedaw88 said:


> but my question is, is how do I deal with the constant criticism I get for my past behavior?


Now that I've slept on your question, I'll answer this one specifically. You tell him that it stops now. You will not accept his verbal abuse of you because of your past. Ask him if there is anything you can do to make him feel better about the situation. If he says no and continues, he has given you a life sentence. If that's the case, the treatment will only get worse. At that point, prepare yourself for a miserable rest of your life, since you (think) you don't want to be rid of him. You have to teach people how to treat you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Goobertron said:


> it was how she was in a stage of her life and that she learned the values that she has today from those experiences.


This is the essential attitude in which you and your husband can go forward. It is the one you need to demonstrate. It will give you a chance. No guarantees, except that if this attitude is not demonstrated, your marriage will be toast.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

jjj858 said:


> In my case I had the choice to leave three months into the relationship when finding out the body count was higher than I found acceptable for a one year period. I chose to stay because her good qualities far outweighed that questionable behavior. Almost ten years later we are still together with a child now. It would be foolish of me to leave now just because of that. It also wouldn’t make sense when I could’ve left before we were married and with child. But...I won’t pretend like it still doesn’t bother me from time to time. I think sometimes how would life be different if I had found someone who had less of a count. Would I be able to love them more completely because my mind wouldn’t be clouded by a promiscuous past? I try my best to not let it affect my love and interactions with her, but I can’t lie and say it isn’t hard. Sometimes I think maybe I should have broken up with her then. She deserved to have someone who wouldn’t hold things against her and I deserved to have someone without a past that makes me uncomfortable. But ultimately I think it’s just me. I probably would’ve found something to be upset about with anybody whether it was one guy or ten.


I find your whole comment laudable and honest, save for the speculative last sentence. You made a decision based on belated information and you are truthful in facing the impact of it. Speculating if you have a personality that would have found fault in any other relationship or any other number is counter productive to your own well being.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

jjj858 said:


> As someone who suffers from it myself, he definitely has retroactive jealousy.
> ...
> I honestly didn’t think of it much at all in the past decade but some recent things have made me relapse lately it seems. That’s why I’m now looking into therapy. I can’t let something that’s in the past and unimportant hurt our relationship any more.


My response is a little bit of a threadjack, but TAM is not an ideal place to discuss RJ. Since people who don't experience it can't relate to it, they minimize it or deny that it exists. I wish there were a way to start a private group on this board as there are about five of us who could benefit from the discussion. I think I've figured out what RJ is and at least one way to successfully cope with it. Unfortunately, people don't like to talk about it. That's easily understood.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> He asked, she lied. Nothing to do with insecurity but being deceived.


She didn't lie... we don't know what "brushed off" really means here. I got the impression she was "economical with the truth"...  The man is massively insecure. Very silly reason to destroy a marriage when there are two small children.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> And you sound like my husband - I don’t ever want to think about those men, she is right, you think about them more than her. I don’t want to ever be reminded of them, I love the one I’ve got ❤ So be assured you probably are being compared! In the best way. Her loyalty shows you that she is comparing you to them - you are the clear winner 🤗


This response is golden. It is very helpful. More than you could possibly know.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> She didn't lie... we don't know what "brushed off" really means here. I got the impression she was "economical with the truth"...  The man is massively insecure.


Massively insecure? Might that be a stretch, without getting a bit more in the weeds?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CountryMike said:


> Massively insecure? Might that be a stretch, without getting a bit more in the weeds?


Ok, you might be right. Just insecure?  But I would like to ask you: would you risk a divorce over this? Just trying to understand.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Yeah sorry about everything going sideways there.
> 
> My personal opinion is that you are taking on too much of this problem that isn’t yours. You are not responsible for him not clarifying what he needed.


She knew full well that he wanted to know. She hasn't actually come clean with what she actually said to him. I hope she will be honest about that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Ok, you might be right. Just insecure?  But I would like to ask you: would you risk a divorce over this? Just trying to understand.


Nothing to do with insecurity but about being lied to and deceived. She should have been honest so that he could have made a fully informed decision as to whether to marry her or not. He didn't get that chance.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Ok, you might be right. Just insecure?  But I would like to ask you: would you risk a divorce over this? Just trying to understand.


I wouldn't, no. That topic doesn't impact my thoughts at all, never has.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

It’s probably not the body count…it’s the lying. I’m not sure why people don’t understand that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jjj858 said:


> You sound a lot like my wife. She is loyal and devoted, doesn’t seek attention from other men. She tells me she doesn’t think about any other guys she was with and that she doesn’t compare me to them. She says I think about them way more than she ever does. My concern was always, am I being compared to someone else? Was someone else better than me in some way?


For me it wouldn't be about comparison but about lies and deception. He is probably wondering if he can trust her again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> It’s probably not the body count…it’s the lying. I’m not sure why people don’t understand that.


Exactly. Most of the men here especially don't seem to be able to grasp that. It's pretty obvious.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Nothing to do with insecurity but about being lied to and deceived. She should have been honest so that he could have made a fully informed decision as to whether to marry her or not. He didn't get that chance.


So, you would destroy a marriage with 2 small children because of a half-lie? People don't get second chances?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Torninhalf said:


> It’s probably not the body count…it’s the lying. I’m not sure why people don’t understand that.


I don't think it's a lie. She brushed it off. She didn't think it was important and the husband didn't press her about it, apparently. Why would you destroy a marriage with children for this? It's beyond me.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> I don't think it's a lie. She brushed it off. She didn't think it was important and the husband didn't press her about it, apparently. Why would you destroy a marriage with children for this? It's beyond me.


Im not sure what I would do. As someone who has had her agency to make decisions based on the truth taken away it is a sticking point for me. Others don’t get to decide what is important. The truth should have been presented and then he could have decided if it was important.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Friedaw88 said:


> I also have been faithful for 6 years.


But you have been unfaithful, sort of. If it were me, it wouldn't be that you were promiscuous while we were apart. But couple it with the fact that you slept with someone else while dating, that may have something to do with it.

Someone's sexual past, unless it involves some sort of perversion, is really nobody elses business. But if someone has a preference in a partner and that is undesirable, I can understand the concern.

Here is what your husband is thinking, so you have to approach it from this standpoint. He figures if you liked a variety of men before you married, that at some point you will want it again. Not saying you do, just saying, I'm pretty sure this is what he is thinking. If you are fully committed to him, you'll need to find some way to reassure him that you do not want other men. But be prepared, it will be hard for him to believe it, especially after finding out you cheated (i know, 2 weeks in dating, but still). Also, during your time apart, did someone cheat on him?

Maybe see a counselor and get some advice on how to approach this.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

colingrant said:


> I understand his anger but I can't say that it has any merit considering you were faithful when with him.


Not really she wasn't. She said: "*I also told him that I slept with another guy when we had been dating only a couple weeks*." THIS right here I think may be the crux of the problem he has with the promiscuity.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> But the reality is that for women, promiscuity reduces their desirability as a long-term/marriage partner in the eyes of most men.


Depends on what someone considers promiscuity. I realize anyone I'm with has a sexual past, and so do I.

But did the woman I'm considering to be with sleep with a couple different guys a year, or did she go out each weekend and bang a different guy each week?

The former would not bother me a bit, while the latter will not have a track record of being faithful. IMO, they will want that variety again.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This. Your perception is he's jealous of the other men but the truth is he's jealous that you got to do that and he didn't.


Might be right. But if I were in his shoes, and this just might be me alone, it would be that if she liked having sex with alot of different men, whats to stop her from wanting that in the future.

The 7 year itch and mid life crisis can be a powerful thing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jjj858 said:


> In my case I had the choice to leave three months into the relationship when finding out the body count was higher than I found acceptable for a one year period. I chose to stay because her good qualities far outweighed that questionable behavior. Almost ten years later we are still together with a child now. It would be foolish of me to leave now just because of that. It also wouldn’t make sense when I could’ve left before we were married and with child. But...I won’t pretend like it still doesn’t bother me from time to time. I think sometimes how would life be different if I had found someone who had less of a count. Would I be able to love them more completely because my mind wouldn’t be clouded by a promiscuous past? I try my best to not let it affect my love and interactions with her, but I can’t lie and say it isn’t hard. Sometimes I think maybe I should have broken up with her then. She deserved to have someone who wouldn’t hold things against her and I deserved to have someone without a past that makes me uncomfortable. But ultimately I think it’s just me. I probably would’ve found something to be upset about with anybody whether it was one guy or ten.


The difference is that you knew very soon into a relationship. This man married her not knowing the truth.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

drencrom said:


> Depends on what someone considers promiscuity. I realize anyone I'm with has a sexual past, and so do I.
> 
> But did the woman I'm considering to be with sleep with a couple different guys a year, or did she go out each weekend and bang a different guy each week?
> 
> The former would not bother me a bit, while the latter will not have a track record of being faithful. IMO, they will want that variety again.


It's about honesty not numbers as I see it. You can have sex with as many as you like, but you shouldn't marry someone who you have deceived about it.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> If her husband is like me, accept the marriage is over and give him an amicable divorce. I would not want to be in a marriage based on a lie.


Normally this would be my go to response. But this is a tad different. Even though she cheated on him during dating, she, as she claims, has not during marriage.

I don't think this is unfixable. Now had she cheated during marriage, I'd agree with your advice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> So, you would destroy a marriage with 2 small children because of a half-lie? People don't get second chances?


It wasn't a half lie, she married him under totally false pretences. I may well
not end the marriage if I had children but the trust would be broken. 
I am a very honest person and lies like this would shake the marriage badly for me. I would struggle to believe them after that. 
I hope they can make it work with maybe some MC, but she does need to realise why he feels betrayed. It's not her count as much as her deception.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> She didn't lie... we don't know what "brushed off" really means here. I got the impression she was "economical with the truth"...  The man is massively insecure. Very silly reason to destroy a marriage when there are two small children.


To be fair to her husband's feelings on this, his insecurity just may be stemming from the fact he just found out she cheated while they were dating coupled with all the men she has been with.

He now sees someone capable of cheating that also liked a variety of men. He is likely thinking if she liked that variety once, she'll like it again, and having slept with another man while they were dating, you can't blame him for being insecure.

Having said that, I don't think this is unfixable. Counseling? Maybe. But if she truly got that oat sowing out of her system and wants total monogamy, she has to find a way to make him realize that. How? I don't know. Why I suggested maybe she go to a counselor by herself, and maybe bring him in to a session after she has seen someone for a while.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Now that I've slept on your question, I'll answer this one specifically. You tell him that it stops now.


NO. You do not take someone's feelings and dismiss them like that.



> You will not accept his verbal abuse of you because of your past.


What verbal abuse. She said criticism.



> Ask him if there is anything you can do to make him feel better about the situation. If he says no and continues, he has given you a life sentence.


After she has given him a life sentence. It works both ways here. Her sexual past, as I see it, isn't the problem. Not knowing the exact timeline, IMO its that he also just found out she slept with another guy while they were dating.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

drencrom said:


> NO. You do not take someone's feelings and dismiss them like that.


You're entitled to your opinion. 



> What verbal abuse[?] She said criticism.


Repetitive, unending criticism is abuse. 



> After she has given him a life sentence. It works both ways here. Her sexual past, as I see it, isn't the problem. Not knowing the exact timeline, IMO its that he also just found out she slept with another guy while they were dating.


You don't solve one problem by creating an additional one.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

There is really some extreme thinking on this thread... I'm out...


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's about honesty not numbers as I see it. You can have sex with as many as you like, but you shouldn't marry someone who you have deceived about it.


Oh it CAN be about numbers. Just depends on the number. Like I said, if someone I am considering being with liked to have sex with 100 different men a year, then to me that desire just doesn't fade and the chance she will want that again in the future, IMO, will be high.

Now thats just to illustrate that it depends on the number. What the OP may consider promiscuous may be nothing of the sort, and nothing as extreme as what I put forth above.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Sfort said:


> You're entitled to your opinion.


This response tells me that you think dismissing someone's feelings on an issue is perfectly fine.

Alrighty then. 




> Repetitive, unending criticism is abuse.


Where did she say it was repetitive and unending? It might very well be. But thats not what she said.



> You don't solve one problem by creating an additional one.


Well since we already know you think its ok to dismiss his feelings, that aside, how can she solve this? How can she make him realize that, even after cheating on him while dating, that she will never want a variety of men like that ever again?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> In effect you lied to him.


I did see, skimming through the pages, that this seems to be the most common issue. While I am quoting off of DV's post, I am not limiting myself to their post only in my comments.

This is not lying, in effect or otherwise. He has no right to that information. He has every right to seek it, but if she doesn't want to tell him, that is where it ends. In blowing off the question, she is not lying. If the number was that important to him, he should have pressed the question at that time.



> I for one would not be with an overly promiscuous woman, when I was dating, I weeded them out by asking directly. Those who got offended by me asking didn't get another date, those who were promiscuous didn't get another date and those who lied were told off in harsh terms.


I have no issue with this. However, if the woman gave you a vague or dismissive answer and you accepted it at that, then you lost your right to be upset or feel deceived if you didn't press the issue then, as happened in the OP situation. I, in fact, applaud you in that you seek the information right off the bat. Now, upon later learning the answer previously not given, you wished to leave, by all means. That's justified. But the fault, in the OP situation, is the man's, who failed to ensure he got an explicit answer earlier. 

Your husband did ask and you lied to him, I don't care if you didn't think it was a big deal, to him it is a deal breaker and he is rightfully angry that he wasted his life and dreams of the future and growing old on someone he wouldn't have married in the first place had she been truthful.

Maybe he can get over his anger, but if he is like me, he most likely wouldn't. Do with this what you want, but realize you are at fault for your fraudulent portrayal of yourself and the hurt you caused this man.
[/QUOTE]

Again, it's actually on him. Yes they can both have different ideas on how important such a detail is, and both views are valid, not to mention subjective. But how important was it really to him if he let it go with such a vague response? Would you have let it go at that if you were in his situation? This is even more muddied by the fact that there are people out there who would claim that even one incident of sex outside of marriage equates to promiscuous. And that too is valid. But it still remains that the OP was not being deceptive in her original answer. It's not his business whom she sleeps with. Furthermore, short of her having given a specific number, there is the subjectiveness of some words. To her, "a few" could be less than 20, and to him, 5 at most. A little exaggerated, but it makes the point


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She brushed off his questioning. He chose to roll with that. He chose to marry her without asking her further questions and asking for a direct answer. That's completely on him. Sounds like he waited 6 years to resume the conversation. Again, that's on him. Treating her poorly 6 years in and two kids later about her answer is ****ty.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

drencrom said:


> ... even after cheating on him while dating, ...


Unless there is an agreement to be exclusive while dating, then one cannot cheat on another during that period. Especially in the early first period of dating. the entire point of dating is to meet people and determine if they are compatible to you or not. There is no reason to be exclusive when dating until you reach that point that you want to cultivate a single relationship.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Friedaw88 said:


> My husband and I dated in high school and broke up at 21yrs old after 3.5 yrs and got back together at age 27. For those 6 years I was extremely promiscuous and he wasn't. After being together 6 years and married 5 years with two kids, 3yrs and 1yr, he has learned how slutty I was. I also told him that I slept with another guy when we had been dating only a couple weeks.
> It's been 5 months and he is still angry, (understandably).
> We have good days and bad days.
> We have a great sex life.
> but my question is, is how do I deal with the constant criticism I get for my past behavior? I'm completely committed to my husband and never want to lose him or do anything to hurt him. I also have been faithful for 6 years.


Hopefully you are still looking at these, despite the large number of responses in such a relatively short period.

First, this simply may take time for him to settle down. 5 month on such a surprise is not really that long. The biggest issue here is the constant criticism. That is akin to emotional abuse. This is therapist territory here. You guys need an MC and he probably needs an individual therapist at this point.

While further information from you could change my position, based upon your two posts, you did nothing wrong here. Your past is your business, not his. Even as his wife now, what you have done prior to being married is not his business. If that is something he can't handle, then he needs to leave. Many believe that there should be no secrets between spouses, and I agree with that, however, I don't find not talking about your past a secret. We all have our reasons for not talking about this or that event(s) in our lives. If a spouse cannot respect those reasons, then they are not worthy of you. What happens during your marriage is completely different. If it wasn't so important to him prior to you getting married to get a clear answer, then he has no leg to stand on for being upset now. It was his responsibility to ensure a satisfactory answer to him.

Now that doesn't mean that he is not justified in leaving you over this. If this is beyond what he can handle, then he should leave. While he has no right to know what you have done in the past, once known, he cannot simply ignore it. Again, this sounds like he really needs to see a therapist in order to work this out within himself. The biggest thing for you to do right now is to not submit to his criticism, and be cowed into any kind of submission and guilt, and to seek professional help in order to resolve this. He needs to acknowledge his part in this as well in that he didn't push to get an answer that satisfied him prior to marriage. That is going to take the aforementioned professional help.

Good luck.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> Unless there is an agreement to be exclusive while dating, then one cannot cheat on another during that period.


I disagree. One can possibly claim it wasn't cheating. But that doesn't diminish the feelings of the one that has been slighted.

If someone is dating me in absence of any exclusivity talks, and they go off and shag someone else, well, if they wanted a relationship with me, they just f'd it up.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> How did she brush it off? My impression of the conversation is:
> 
> He: "So, did you sleep with quite a couple of guys and something notable happen there when were not together?"
> Her (brushoff): "Nah, there were a couple and nothing really to tell."
> ...


Key point: _your _impression. No facts to go off of.

But since you want to use impressions...

My impression of the conversations is:

Him: Were you sleeping around since the last time we were together?
Her: I was active, no big deal.

No lies, no deception, a blown off question that HE failed to follow up on. Again, had she used the word "few" in your impression, instead of "couple" (and even that word ends up subjective to people), then that left it way open to interpretation. For all we know, she might be reinterpreting her past as promiscuous and slutty, as she put it, based purely on his reaction now, and didn't really consider it as such when first asked.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> For most men it would have nothing to do with competition or jealousy that she did and he didn’t. I think that is nonsense.
> 
> It’s simply that most men don’t want to marry promiscuous women. It’s that simple. OPs husband didn’t realize his wife had been that promiscuous. He later learned she was and it shattered his perception of her.


It is still on them to determine if said woman was promiscuous by his standards, and to decide to accept it as a possibility if he fails to get a clear answer.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> Key point: _your _impression. No facts to go off of.
> 
> But since you want to use impressions...
> 
> ...


Like you said, two perspectives which paints two very diverse contexts and in this, context is everything. Either could be valid. Just remember her husband dated her previously and had that experience as reference to the answer he received. If that experience was of a rather chaste woman, it could have colored his perception and caused him not to push for a definitive answer. A mistake on his side for sure, but one cannot as easily say that he hasn't pushed for the answer, therefore his problem.

I also have to vehemently disagree that someone's sexual history has nothing to do with their spouse. If he asked, he was due a truthful answer. He did ask. If a person acts chaste in order to reign in a partner he/she knows values chastity, but has a sordid past, this too is deceptive even if the person did not ask.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> OPs husband obviously didn’t want a promiscuous woman for a wife, and that’s ok. He’s allowed to have standards. He found out after the fact that she was promiscuous, and that is problematic.


I don't see where anyone here is criticizing the standards that he has. The issue is whether or not he did his due diligence in maintaining those standards. Taking the OP's words on face value (and I am open to changing positions with more information), he failed to ensure those standards when he married her. _HE _failed to follow up and ensure she met that standard. As such, while I support any decision he might make to leave, I cannot support his constant criticism of her.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> I don't see where anyone here is criticizing the standards that he has. The issue is whether or not he did his due diligence in maintaining those standards. Taking the OP's words on face value (and I am open to changing positions with more information), he failed to ensure those standards when he married her. _HE _failed to follow up and ensure she met that standard. As such, while I support any decision he might make to leave, I cannot support his constant criticism of her.


Marriage might be a contract, but love is not and technicalities do not translate well in matters of the heart.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

drencrom said:


> I disagree. One can possibly claim it wasn't cheating. But that doesn't diminish the feelings of the one that has been slighted.
> 
> If someone is dating me in absence of any exclusivity talks, and they go off and shag someone else, well, if they wanted a relationship with me, they just f'd it up.


Which is all fine and well. I don't deny you your standards. The key thing is whether or not you shared those standards with the person you are dating. If you hold the standard that dating means exclusivity, then you need to communicate it. If you do so and the person continues to date you and then goes off and dates and/or beds another, that is certainly cheating. But if you fail to inform them of your standard, then it is not cheating, because they are not aware of the exclusivity standard that you hold.

Whether is cheating or not, does not affect one's feelings when the event occurs. But it does affect the responsibility. If you fail to inform the other, then it is your responsibility and fault, but the feelings of slighted or whatever are still valid.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Damn.

This blew up.


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## Pappy Blain (Apr 1, 2021)

F88....if you follow any infidelity sites....a characteristic that pops up once in a while in cheating spouces is deflected guilt.....they accuse their spouse of cheating and it is them doing the cheating... ( I don't get the logic but it happens ).....1st I would be checking your hubsands phone and laptop yourself.......2nd.....HE left your loose response hanging about previous partners.... ( I am sure he asked you twice if you wanted to go to this restaurant or that restaurant for clarity......why not a follow question specific to sexual body count ?) Did he make a declaration to you when you started dating HE was not going to see anyone else or have any other sexual encounters.....exactly when did you two decide you two were exclusive ?
3rd......there are 3 reasons to me.....for a number of sexual partners
A. Pleasure/experience 
B. Rebellion 
C. Physical/mental/ sexual trama.
Has your husband asked which was a root cause of your history ? And if it was B or C do you need help....for your well being and success of the marriage? His past omissions for clarity does not give him the right to tramatize you now with verbal assaults....
( check his phone)...you might be shocked.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Like you said, two perspectives which paints two very diverse contexts and in this, context is everything. Either could be valid. Just remember her husband dated her previously and had that experience as reference to the answer he received. If that experience was of a rather chaste woman, it could have colored his perception and caused him not to push for a definitive answer. A mistake on his side for sure, but one cannot as easily say that he hasn't pushed for the answer, therefore his problem.


And this is why I and others are railing against those who are making a claim of fact of lying and such. Most of us are pointing out possibility, not claiming fact, other than maybe a blow off answer is not a lie, but that ends up being subjective as well. It would be a lot different if people would respond with "I personally would take that as a lie, and as such be upset." In that case they do not impose their standard on the OP or others.



> I also have to vehemently disagree that someone's sexual history has nothing to do with their spouse. If he asked, he was due a truthful answer. He did ask. If a person acts chaste in order to reign in a partner he/she knows values chastity, but has a sordid past, this too is deceptive even if the person did not ask.


Again, the importance of a spouse's or potential spouse's sexual history will be subjective. If asked, not wanting to discuss it, even via a blow off answer is truthful. It may not be complete or open, but that has nothing to do with being truthful or not. How do you "act chaste"? I mean if you claim no sexual partners in the past outright, then yeah that's a lie. If asked and you refuse to answer or dismiss it without making a claim, then no it's not a lie. Beyond that, even a previously promiscuous person and have a change of heart and decide to have no further sex until they marry. So what is "acting chaste"?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

drencrom said:


> Oh it CAN be about numbers. Just depends on the number. Like I said, if someone I am considering being with liked to have sex with 100 different men a year, then to me that desire just doesn't fade and the chance she will want that again in the future, IMO, will be high.
> 
> Now thats just to illustrate that it depends on the number. What the OP may consider promiscuous may be nothing of the sort, and nothing as extreme as what I put forth above.


I didn't mean that the numbers don't matter, but that if she 

had been honest about it he would have had the chance to make an informed decision as to whether to marry her. 
He was never given that chance.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Marriage might be a contract, but love is not and technicalities does not translate well in matters of the heart.


I understand that, and agree. But he is the only one who knows his own standards, and it is still his responsibility to ensure that the one he selects to be with meets those standards. If his standard is more than 5 men in the past is more than he can handle, is it not upon him to ensure that he knows the number from her. Again, he has no right to know that, but in her refusal to answer the question, or in her blowing off of that question, he has the decision to stay or go. If he chooses to stay without a satisfactory, to him, answer, then how important was that standard anyway?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> Unless there is an agreement to be exclusive while dating, then one cannot cheat on another during that period. Especially in the early first period of dating. the entire point of dating is to meet people and determine if they are compatible to you or not. There is no reason to be exclusive when dating until you reach that point that you want to cultivate a single relationship.


For many people cheating while dating is definitely cheating. He didn't know about that either. More deception.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> I understand that, and agree. But he is the only one who knows his own standards, and it is still his responsibility to ensure that the one he selects to be with meets those standards. If his standard is more than 5 men in the past is more than he can handle, is it not upon him to ensure that he knows the number from her. Again, he has no right to know that, but in her refusal to answer the question, or in her blowing off of that question, he has the decision to stay or go. If he chooses to stay without a satisfactory, to him, answer, then how important was that standard anyway?


To be fair her vague answer to how she answered his questions dont help.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

The problem is we have no clue what questions he may have asked. She said after 6 years of marriage he found out how slutty she was. She may have lied to his face numerous times.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> And this is why I and others are railing against those who are making a claim of fact of lying and such. Most of us are pointing out possibility, not claiming fact, other than maybe a blow off answer is not a lie, but that ends up being subjective as well. It would be a lot different if people would respond with "I personally would take that as a lie, and as such be upset." In that case they do not impose their standard on the OP or others.


I read the OPs post again and it comes across that she knew that promiscuity would be a deal-breaker. Knowing the reality of her past would be a deal-breaker, offering a partial truth or "brush-off" is still a lie. Knowing that the reality of her sexual history would most likely be a deal-breaker and keeping silent about it even if he hadn't asked at all is still deceptive and a fraudulent premise to build a marriage on.



maquiscat said:


> Again, the importance of a spouse's or potential spouse's sexual history will be subjective. If asked, not wanting to discuss it, even via a blow off answer is truthful. It may not be complete or open, but that has nothing to do with being truthful or not. How do you "act chaste"? I mean if you claim no sexual partners in the past outright, then yeah that's a lie. If asked and you refuse to answer or dismiss it without making a claim, then no it's not a lie. Beyond that, even a previously promiscuous person and have a change of heart and decide to have no further sex until they marry. So what is "acting chaste"?


If you know in your heart your potential partner will most likely dismiss you because of your sexual history and you do not disclose that history, it is a misrepresentation of yourself. The past is an inextricable part of who a person is and even if you disagree with this statement, if the potential partner holds my view, then knowingly omitting the facts is deceptive to that person and a fraudulent means of entering into a serious relationship with that potential partner.

Rather than arguing technicalities about due diligence and what questions should have been asked, knowing that your past is not in line with the potential partner's values, it would be wise to find someone who does not hold the values that would negate you as a potential partner.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> For many people cheating while dating is definitely cheating. He didn't know about that either. More deception.


Again, that is a subjective standard, and if you fail to inform your dating partner that you consider it cheating, then that is on you. You should not be _assuming _that they hold the same standard as you. You failing to inform them of your standard is no different than what the OP is being accused of in not informing the husband of how active she was prior to marriage.



Diana7 said:


> To be fair her vague answer to how she answered his questions dont help.


I don't deny that, and have said as much. However, he is the one who let it go at being so vague. If it was that important to you, would you not press for further information? And if you don't ask for the details, then who is lack of knowledge on, you or the other person?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> The problem is we have no clue what questions he may have asked. She said after 6 years of marriage he found out how slutty she was. She may have lied to his face numerous times.


Even if she didn't, after 6 years, neither of them may remember what questions were asked.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

maquiscat said:


> Even if she didn't, after 6 years, neither of them may remember what questions were asked.


She knew she was slutty (her words) and he “just found out” which means she didn’t tell him. If he is this upset I’m sure he did ask at the time. I just don’t think we have enough information to go on.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I read the OPs post again and it comes across that she knew that promiscuity would be a deal-breaker. Knowing the reality of her past would be a deal-breaker, offering a partial truth or "brush-off" is still a lie. Knowing that the reality of her sexual history would most likely be a deal-breaker and keeping silent about it even if he hadn't asked at all is still deceptive and a fraudulent premise to build a marriage on.
> 
> If you know in your heart your potential partner will most likely dismiss you because of your sexual history and you do not disclose that history, it is a misrepresentation of yourself. The past is an inextricable part of who a person is and even if you disagree with this statement, if the potential partner holds my view, then knowingly omitting the facts is deceptive to that person and a fraudulent means of entering into a serious relationship with that potential partner.
> 
> Rather than arguing technicalities about due diligence and what questions should have been asked, knowing that your past is not in line with the potential partner's values, it would be wise to find someone who does not hold the values that would negate you as a potential partner.


Again, that was how it comes across to _you_, but it didn't come across like that to me, and to others. I quite honestly don't know that the OP knew if it would be a deal breaker, and I don't assume that she did or did not. It is still her past, without him as part of it, to share or not. It is still his decision whether or not to marry on that lack of information. Again, any part of the past that they shared is another matter. For all we know in her head it is not a deal breaker, and not worthy of comment, hence the blow off. It's on him to note his deal breakers. I make sure that those whom I get involve with know what my deal breakers are. One big one for me is ultimatums. If someone hits me with "it's me or X", they've lost right there, and that is something that I make sure they know once we hit that level it looks to be long term.

Look, I am not even claiming that he didn't make the question clear to the OP, but the OP has not made it clear one way or the other. This is why I am willing to change position based on further information from the OP. I, and others, are point out the wrongness of claiming fault with her, when it well could have been bad communication on his or hers or both of their parts. Not communicating properly is not the same as deception or lying. The resultant pain can be the same. The result of losing a hand to an accident or a deliberate act is no different, but the reasoning behind how it happened is. Same here. There is no invalidation of the OP's feelings or standards. However, that doesn't absolve him, _if _the cause was his lack of communication or follow up.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

drencrom said:


> Might be right. But if I were in his shoes, and this just might be me alone, it would be that if she liked having sex with alot of different men, whats to stop her from wanting that in the future.
> 
> The 7 year itch and mid life crisis can be a powerful thing.


What's the stop someone who never got to explore from wanting to of the future? I actually think that's the bigger problem. There's nothing to stop anyone from wanting to have sex with someone else.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> She knew she was slutty (her words) and he “just found out” which means she didn’t tell him. If he is this upset I’m sure he did ask at the time. *I just don’t think we have enough information to go on*.


I agree highly on this point, which is why I, as well as others, am pointing out how this is not necessarily anything she did wrong. Again, I have to wonder if she is rewriting history, as far as "slutty" and "promiscuous" goes, based upon his reactions. She might not have considered it as such at the time she first dismissed the question. OTOH, she might not see "slutty" as a negative, and so didn't think much of it. I know plenty of men and women who are proud of their "sluttyness" (which doesn't mean that they don't have standards they uphold), and still others who are indifferent to being that way.

I will also point out again, that he accepted a dismissal (since we are talking her words) as opposed to an answer. Why didn't he follow up on the question?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> Again, that was how it comes across to _you_, but it didn't come across like that to me, and to others. I quite honestly don't know that the OP knew if it would be a deal breaker, and I don't assume that she did or did not. It is still her past, without him as part of it, to share or not. It is still his decision whether or not to marry on that lack of information. Again, any part of the past that they shared is another matter. For all we know in her head it is not a deal breaker, and not worthy of comment, hence the blow off. It's on him to note his deal breakers. I make sure that those whom I get involve with know what my deal breakers are. One big one for me is ultimatums. If someone hits me with "it's me or X", they've lost right there, and that is something that I make sure they know once we hit that level it looks to be long term.
> 
> Look, I am not even claiming that he didn't make the question clear to the OP, but the OP has not made it clear one way or the other. This is why I am willing to change position based on further information from the OP. I, and others, are point out the wrongness of claiming fault with her, when it well could have been bad communication on his or hers or both of their parts. Not communicating properly is not the same as deception or lying. The resultant pain can be the same. The result of losing a hand to an accident or a deliberate act is no different, but the reasoning behind how it happened is. Same here. There is no invalidation of the OP's feelings or standards. However, that doesn't absolve him, _if _the cause was his lack of communication or follow up.


In the absence of more information this point has become much like Schrodinger's Cat, both true and false at the same time. However, reading the original post I can swear I heard the cat meow, you said you didn't.

In the same vein as we cannot definitively declare her a liar, we can also not also not invalidate the husbands feeling as mere insecurity or any other trivial or trivialized emotion. The bottom line is that her sexual history made her a bad match for him because he values chastity more than her and puts a different value on sexual intercourse all together. This does not bode well for a happy marriage.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

maquiscat said:


> I agree highly on this point, which is why I, as well as others, am pointing out how this is not necessarily anything she did wrong. Again, I have to wonder if she is rewriting history, as far as "slutty" and "promiscuous" goes, based upon his reactions. She might not have considered it as such at the time she first dismissed the question. OTOH, she might not see "slutty" as a negative, and so didn't think much of it. I know plenty of men and women who are proud of their "sluttyness" (which doesn't mean that they don't have standards they uphold), and still others who are indifferent to being that way.
> 
> I will also point out again, that he accepted a dismissal (since we are talking her words) as opposed to an answer. Why didn't he follow up on the question?


She did say her behavior was slutty and admitted to being VERY promiscuous. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> In the same vein as we cannot definitively declare her a liar,


And if more people had expressed their post as interpretation instead of fact, there might have been less discussion on it.



> we can also not also not invalidate the husbands feeling as mere insecurity or any other trivial or trivialized emotion. The bottom line is that her sexual history made her a bad match for him because he values chastity more than her and puts a different value on sexual intercourse all together. This does not bode well for a happy marriage.


Again, I haven't noticed where anyone has invalidated his feelings (his actions based on those feelings are different), or even claimed that this marriage will survive this particular disclosure. Mostly we have been noting that she is not necessarily lying, and that the situation could as much be his fault for his failure to ensure his standards as it could be her fault.

In the end it still comes down to no one has a right to a mate's, potential or actual, past prior to the relationship, and that they have the responsibility to choose if they are going to let a lack of disclosure end the relationship or not. This runs from simple hook up to marriage. If a person doesn't want to disclose to me whether they have any STI's or are currently bedding anyone else, I have no right to know that information. But then it is on me if I fail to notice the dismissal, or continue anyway having noted it. An outright lie of course is on them. This principal remains no matter the relationship.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> She did say her behavior was slutty and admitted to being VERY promiscuous. 🤷🏼‍♀️


But what does that mean? I know people who claim to be slutty but not promiscuous, and vice versa. And other people's opinion on their actions don't necessarily match their description. Like I noted before, one person might judge a person a year to be slutty and/or promiscuous. And that didn't address my point on her changing her perception of the past based on his reaction in the present.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

maquiscat said:


> But what does that mean? I know people who claim to be slutty but not promiscuous, and vice versa. And other people's opinion on their actions don't necessarily match their description. Like I noted before, one person might judge a person a year to be slutty and/or promiscuous. And that didn't address my point on her changing her perception of the past based on his reaction in the present.


Hopefully she will come back and clarify. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

drencrom said:


> Depends on what someone considers promiscuity. I realize anyone I'm with has a sexual past, and so do I.
> 
> But did the woman I'm considering to be with sleep with a couple different guys a year, or did she go out each weekend and bang a different guy each week?
> 
> The former would not bother me a bit, while the latter will not have a track record of being faithful. IMO, they will want that variety again.


Agreed. I don’t think most would consider the former promiscuous.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> And if more people had expressed their post as interpretation instead of fact, there might have been less discussion on it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We shall not agree upon this in totality ever. I am the kind of person who presented myself to a prospective future wife, warts and all and I made sure that I knew them well enough to know what in me can be potential deal-breakers before going on to marriage. I disagree totally that you have to ask everything and what is not asked is non-sequitur. The onus is on both to make sure they are a match to EACH OTHER. If she didn't take the time to get to know him well enough to know her sexual history was a deal-breaker, she had no business marrying him. If she knew him well enough and hid it, she had no business marrying him. Catch 22 really.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> I agree highly on this point, which is why I, as well as others, am pointing out how this is not necessarily anything she did wrong. Again, I have to wonder if she is rewriting history, as far as "slutty" and "promiscuous" goes, based upon his reactions. She might not have considered it as such at the time she first dismissed the question. OTOH, she might not see "slutty" as a negative, and so didn't think much of it. I know plenty of men and women who are proud of their "sluttyness" (which doesn't mean that they don't have standards they uphold), and still others who are indifferent to being that way.
> 
> I will also point out again, that he accepted a dismissal (since we are talking her words) as opposed to an answer. Why didn't he follow up on the question?


All this is kind of a moot point. It doesn't really matter at this point whose fault it is, it is what it is. Her husband doesn't like the fact that she was a self proclaimed **** before they got married. Sure, maybe he could have pressed more before getting married, but it didn't happen. She also didn't volunteer up anything. If you had enough details to fully assign "blame" to someone, what difference would it make? Either way she is looking for help to get through it and stay with her husband. @Sfort had the right question to ask under any circumstances. She needs to ask her husband how she can fix it. If he doesn't know or can't answer for some reason, THEN it is fully on him. You can't ***** about something, but provide no viable solution.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> And if more people had expressed their post as interpretation instead of fact, there might have been less discussion on it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You have no right to know if a potential sexual partner has an STI? Are you kidding? So, no big deal if he/she has HIV. Not your right to know. I guess you don't mind a loaded gun pointed at your head either.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Ok, you might be right. Just insecure?  But I would like to ask you: would you risk a divorce over this? Just trying to understand.


We don’t know if he’s actually willing to divorce over it or not. It is not insecure to have standards.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> *You have no right to know if a potential sexual partner has an STI?* Are you kidding? So, no big deal if he/she has HIV. Not you right to know. I guess you don't mind a loaded gun pointed at your head either.


We live in a promiscuous world now, and I wouldn't even ask this question - I would simply require testing. Go in together. 🙂

See how well that goes over with all the men expecting sex by date 3. 😂


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Friedaw88 said:


> He asked how many people. He asked before we got married but I brushed it off like it didn't matter.
> It sounds stupid, but I never realized how my promiscuity would ruin my marriage and husband, one day.


You should not even be dealing with this. You were not a couple when you played the field. He was not in a relationship with you.
Holding another person’s past against them is a form of abuse and control.
If he had wanted you to be the same virgin you were in highschool, he should never have parted ways with you. That is completely unfair for you - he expects you to sit in a tower and pine for him until he’s ready to return and marry you?
I’m sorry but your husband sounds like a narcissist. Only narcissistic men have the ****/angel idealization of women.
Find something in his past that he did when you weren’t around and hold it against him angrily - then he will see how it feels. Good for the goose / good for the gander.
Don’t tolerate this type of abuse.
Even if you disagree with me and think you should have spent 6 years pining away for him in utter solitude, it’s still unfair for him to hold this against you, because there is nothing you can do to go back and change it, unless you own a time machine. He is being emotionally abusive.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Pappy Blain said:


> A. Pleasure/experience
> B. Rebellion
> C. Physical/mental/ sexual trauma.


I think you forgot one.. POWER. There is a great power in finding one's sexuality. A great power in being able to use one's sex to receive pleasure. Men have historically had the power in this area and since the advent of the pill women have been able to take the reigns of who, when and how. Personally, I have had several long term relationships 5 years or so... and during the time I was single..yes single... no obligations to anyone. I did have several partners. I never cheated when I was in a committed relationship. I am not like that. The past is the past... that is where it stays. No one can change it.. the lying to me is another thing completely. Always be honest.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> It’s probably not the body count…it’s the lying. I’m not sure why people don’t understand that.


I highly suspect it’s both


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Friedaw88 said:


> He asked how many people. He asked before we got married but I brushed it off like it didn't matter.
> It sounds stupid, but I never realized how my promiscuity would ruin my marriage and husband, one day.


So you blow it off then told him after the kids were born. You also admitted to cheating on him when the two of you first started dating.

There isn’t anything you can really do. He asked you for a reason and you really didn’t give a crap as long as you got a “good” husband. I am guessing all the guys you were having sex with were not husband material.

What you have done has ruined many marriages.

But there are those that will tear your husband down for being a insecure little twit.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Who’s idea was it to break up? And why?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

minimalME said:


> We live in a promiscuous world now, and I wouldn't even ask this question - *I would simply require testing. Go in together. 🙂*
> 
> See how well that goes over with all the men expecting sex by date 3. 😂


That would certainly keep the plate spinners busy.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

MEA said:


> You should not even be dealing with this. You were not a couple when you played the field. He was not in a relationship with you.
> Holding another person’s past against them is a form of abuse and control.
> If he had wanted you to be the same virgin you were in highschool, he should never have parted ways with you. That is completely unfair for you - he expects you to sit in a tower and pine for him until he’s ready to return and marry you?
> I’m sorry but your husband sounds like a narcissist. Only narcissistic men have the ****/angel idealization of women.
> ...


A person's sexual past matters to whom it matters and if that past is a deal-breaker to someone no amount of shouting abuse or name calling will change one iota of the fact that that person would either dismiss a promiscuous person as a potential marriage partner if the promiscuous person were decent enough to be upfront about it or lose total respect and trust if he/she was deceitful about it. No amount of telling a person what aught to matter to them changes what actually does.

What constitutes promiscuity is up to the potential marriage partner to judge. No amount of arguing will change their perception of that either. This is not Disney or a college safe space, this is real life and life doesn't care to be "fair" in order to accommodate feelings and platitudes.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> That would certainly keep the plate spinners busy.


Nah, they'd just laugh and walk away. They're purely in it for themselves. They don't accept any standards other than their own.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> Which is all fine and well. I don't deny you your standards. The key thing is whether or not you shared those standards with the person you are dating. If you hold the standard that dating means exclusivity, then you need to communicate it. If you do so and the person continues to date you and then goes off and dates and/or beds another, that is certainly cheating. But if you fail to inform them of your standard, then it is not cheating, because they are not aware of the exclusivity standard that you hold.
> 
> Whether is cheating or not, does not affect one's feelings when the event occurs. But it does affect the responsibility. If you fail to inform the other, then it is your responsibility and fault, but the feelings of slighted or whatever are still valid.


I conceded that it was debatable as to whether it was cheating or not based on any exclusivity talk, or lack of.

Doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that thinking along the lines of "gee, I really like this guy, but I think I'll go off and bang this other guy" is f'd up.

This actually happened to me. Dated a girl, we hit it off great. A month into it, and no, no exclusivity talk, she went off and screwed her ex bf. She told me I have no right to be mad.

I told her on the contrary that I do have that right. However, not mad, but told her if I meant that little to her to go off and hop up and down on her ex bf, then she isn't the one for me.

She told me I was being unreasonable 

Ok, enough of the TJ, even though it relates to the OP situation.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> Again, that is a subjective standard, and if you fail to inform your dating partner that you consider it cheating, then that is on you.


It's not too complicated that if you date someone, yet go off and shag someone else, that the other person must not have been that important to you in the first place.

If I'm giving a woman a chance, and I feel it is going somewhere, I'm not going to screw another woman. Cheating or not, its damn disrespectful and hurtful.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Pip’sJourney said:


> I think you forgot one.. POWER. There is a great power in finding one's sexuality. A great power in being able to use one's sex to receive pleasure. Men have historically had the power in this area and since the advent of the pill women have been able to take the reigns of who, when and how. Personally, I have had several long term relationships 5 years or so... and during the time I was single..yes single... no obligations to anyone. I did have several partners. I never cheated when I was in a committed relationship. I am not like that. The past is the past... that is where it stays. No one can change it.. the lying to me is another thing completely. Always be honest.


To most men considering an LTR/marriage partner, there is a big difference between “several“ and dozens+


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What's the stop someone who never got to explore from wanting to of the future? I actually think that's the bigger problem. There's nothing to stop anyone from wanting to have sex with someone else.


Nothing is guaranteed to stop anything.

But I think there is a bigger chance of relapse in someone that craved multiple partners than those who didn't.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> A person's sexual past matters to whom it matters and if that past is a deal-breaker to someone no amount of shouting abuse or name calling will change one iota of the fact that that person would either dismiss a promiscuous person as a potential marriage partner if the promiscuous person were decent enough to be upfront about it or lose total respect and trust if he/she was deceitful about it. No amount of telling a person what aught to matter to them changes what actually does.
> 
> What constitutes promiscuity is up to the potential marriage partner to judge. No amount of arguing will change their perception of that either. This is not Disney or a college safe space, this is real life and life doesn't care to be "fair" in order to accommodate feelings and platitudes.


Not a fan of Disney or safe spaces, nor am I a fan of fellow conservatives making the rest of us look badly by excusing domestic abuse - even if it’s “only” emotional abuse.
I missed the fact that she initially lied about her past. That does make a difference. So now her husband is dealing with a liar and that, to me, is an even bigger issue.
So at this point, her husband has a decision to make. He needs to decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with a wife who belittles his questions and lies to him when she thinks the truth “isn’t a big deal.”
Either way she doesn’t need to tolerate him holding against her something she can’t change - that IS abuse. There is never an excuse to degrade another human being over their past, regardless of his beliefs on who owns her vagina.
Being upset about the lying is definitely something we can all probably relate to as we have every right to expect complete honesty from our spouse.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MEA said:


> Not a fan of Disney or safe spaces, nor am I a fan of fellow conservatives making the rest of us look badly by excusing domestic abuse - even if it’s “only” emotional abuse.
> I missed the fact that she initially lied about her past. That does make a difference. So now her husband is dealing with a liar and that, to me, is an even bigger issue.
> So at this point, her husband has a decision to make. He needs to decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with a wife who belittles his questions and lies to him when she thinks the truth “isn’t a big deal.”
> Either way she doesn’t need to tolerate him holding against her something she can’t change - that IS abuse. There is never an excuse to degrade another human being over their past, regardless of his beliefs on who owns her vagina.
> Being upset about the lying is definitely something we can all probably relate to as we have every right to expect complete honesty from our spouse.


WTF???

She was wrong but he has no right is what I got out of this. What a messed up world it is now a days.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> It’s probably not the body count…it’s the lying. I’m not sure why people don’t understand that.


I would say that depends on the number. Lying about 5 guys vs 1 in those 6 years would probably make the lying the bigger transgression. However, if we are talking about 30+ guys in 6 years, well then I think the sluttiness becomes the bigger issue.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ABHale said:


> WTF???
> 
> She was wrong but he has no right is what I got out of this. What a messed up world it is now a days.


I actually agree with @MEA. Constantly berating her over this is abuse. I don't know what exactly he is saying, but would regularly saying to her "I can't believe how much of a **** you were" be much better than just slapping her? Different forms of abuse, but still abuse. If it bothers him that much he either needs to tell her how she can fix it or he should leave.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I actually agree with @MEA. Constantly berating her over this is abuse. I don't know what exactly he is saying, but would regularly saying to her "I can't believe how much of a **** you were" be much better than just slapping her? Different forms of abuse, but still abuse. If it bothers him that much he either needs to tell her how she can fix it or he should leave.


Is it abuse or his emotions going up and down the roller coaster. He just got the news that he is great husband/father material and that’s why his wife came back to him. She wanted to get her wild freaky sex out with many others before she came back to him. What would make it worse is if she kept calling him after they broke up just to say I miss you. Kept him on the hook while she played the field. Great reason why she blew off the question when they started dating again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Friedaw88 said:


> I also told him that I slept with another guy when we had been dating only a couple weeks.


When I initially read this, I took it to mean that you told your husband that, after the two of you had broken up, you dated another guy with whom you had sex after dating for only a couple of weeks.

Having read it again, I can tell you that this is likely a HUGE part of why your husband is still angry with you — he feels like he was duped into marrying a cheater.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Is it abuse or his emotions going up and down the roller coaster. He just got the news that he is great husband/father material and that’s why his wife came back to him. She wanted to get her wild freaky sex out with many others before she came back to him. What would make it worse is if she kept calling him after they broke up just to say I miss you. Kept him on the hook while she played the field. Great reason why she blew off the question when they started dating again.


You are assuming things and also incorrect on some of the facts.

He didn't just find out. She said he found out 5 months ago and is still going at her, I would call that abuse at this point. You have no idea why they split and 6 years went by between the breakup and getting back together. You also have no idea if she was in contact with him while they weren't together, for 6 years. If he was strung along for that long he can only blame himself.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

drencrom said:


> I conceded that it was debatable as to whether it was cheating or not based on any exclusivity talk, or lack of.
> 
> Doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that thinking along the lines of "gee, I really like this guy, but I think I'll go off and bang this other guy" is f'd up.
> 
> ...


Maybe I’m just too old fashioned, but I don’t get the “you should just assume we’re not exclusive” mindset.

Oh well… I suppose it’s just a result of dating in a post-“dot com” world. 🤷🏻‍♂️


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is a tough one for men to get over. And I think it's partly the lying and partly the body count. 

"Extremely promiscuous" - tells me this body count is very high, like at least 25 different people. Maybe 50.

Not answering this question truthfully had nothing to do with "blowing it off because it didn't matter". It was "I don't want him to run".

Now, he's thinking about it.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Is it abuse or his emotions going up and down the roller coaster. He just got the news that he is great husband/father material and that’s why his wife came back to him. She wanted to get her wild freaky sex out with many others before she came back to him. What would make it worse is if she kept calling him after they broke up just to say I miss you. Kept him on the hook while she played the field. Great reason why she blew off the question when they started dating again.


He can go up and down an emotional roller coaster without abusing her. How you or he or anyone personally feels about promiscuity from either gender does not excuse abusive behavior. As BigDaddy said, he can leave her.
She lied about something that is a deal breaker for him and that is not good. If my husband lied to me about a deal breaker I would leave him… but I would not verbally abuse him with my own version of morality. Abuse is not love, and there is never an excuse for it, but abusers ALWAYS have an excuse and always see themselves as the victim. 
Is the husband a victim? Yes. He is victim to his wife’s atrocious lying and deceit.
However, once he began to call her a ****, her lost all rights to victim hood as that is moment he went from victim to abuser.

To help you understand abuse, I’ll share a personal example:

My daughter (now 18) was one of the most oppositional children I’ve ever seen in my entire life (and I was a teacher for 14 years, so seen 1000’s of children).
If you told her the sky is blue, she would disagree and say it’s green, and if you then agreed with her she would disagree and say it’s blue. She was also very spiteful and vengeful. Quite different from myself, so it took many trips to many counselors and an astronomical amount of patience to successfully parent her.

My daughter is a person that I absolutely fear will someday be abused by a man because she is just so infuriating most of the time.

She was already abused for years by her own father, who was permanently removed from her life by the family court system.
Regardless of what she did or said to him, he never had the legal grounds to hold a knife to her throat or to even tell her that she is a horrible person who will never amount to anything, or that he loves his neighbor’s child more than he loves her, or to create the numerous psychologically abusive scenarios he set up as “gotcha” moments so he could “punish” her via starvation or sleep deprivation. But the one event that caused the courts to permanently remove his parental rights was when he told her that she can either go to the movies with him and his wife, or she could just go back to my house. When she chose to just go back to my house, he told her no and told her to put her suitcase back in her room. This psychological “no-win” scenario he set up for her (and as part of a pattern) was considered by the courts to be more damaging and abusive than anything physical he had done.

Now, I understand his frustration with our daughter. There were many times where I wanted to “snap” and abuse her too… but I never did. I took a moment to compose myself and parented her in the healthiest manner possible. Sometimes that did include a swat on the rear or manual labor on her part… but never abuse. I truly believe God gave her to me to parent because of my extreme patience and deep love for her. Most oppositional children fail at life, but she is on her way to joining the Air Force as Intel.

Now, back to the abuser - her father. The difference between acceptable emotional reaction and abuse is in the delivery and also an indicator of how much a person loves the other person versus loving themselves. Her father abused her because he loved himself more than he loves her - he CHOSE not to take a moment of composure, and chose not to follow the parenting advice of multiple counselors and classes. 
However, if you ask him, he was “just reacting emotionally” to our daughter’s 24/7 exhausting, oppositional behavior. He absolutely sees himself as the victim in it all and refuses to acknowledge his abuse towards her.
If he couldn’t handle her, he could have paid a sitter or dropped her off at my house for a few hours to cool off. Instead he chose to abuse her… which btw did NOT make her oppositional behavior better, but only made it worse.

So the OP’s husband is being abusive if he is calling his wife a ****.
This doesn’t mean she is innocent.
But it does mean that he is no longer innocent either.
She is a liar and he is an abuser.
Hell, maybe they deserve each other.


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## Deacon0319 (Mar 4, 2019)

Gabriel said:


> This is a tough one for men to get over. And I think it's partly the lying and partly the body count.
> 
> "Extremely promiscuous" - tells me this body count is very high, like at least 25 different people. Maybe 50.
> 
> ...


 I Agree with this a 100%

Also, What is going on on this thread? Let's refrain from calling the husband abusive for the time being. We just don't have enough information to make that judgment. How can we get to that conclusion from "constant criticism"? If he is actually showing abusive behavior, then OP should put a stop to it immediately and get the hell out. "constant criticism" is not enough info to go on.
As for the rest OP, assuming you want to stay married, all you can do is re-assure him that your past made you who you are today and made you the woman he fell in love with, but you have a giant hill to climb. I'm as liberal as they come about my partner's BODY COUNT, but even I have an upper limit of what would give me pause. This would be especially true if the subject had come up previously and was "brushed off".
The fling with the other guy 2 weeks into you relationship just makes things worse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> Again, that is a subjective standard, and if you fail to inform your dating partner that you consider it cheating, then that is on you. You should not be _assuming _that they hold the same standard as you. You failing to inform them of your standard is no different than what the OP is being accused of in not informing the husband of how active she was prior to marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't deny that, and have said as much. However, he is the one who let it go at being so vague. If it was that important to you, would you not press for further information? And if you don't ask for the details, then who is lack of knowledge on, you or the other person?


You shouldn't have to ask if they are cheating when you are dating someone. Common decency would say cheating is wrong before or after marriage. Did she tell him she had done it? No.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Deacon0319 said:


> I Agree with this a 100%
> 
> Also, What is going on on this thread? Let's refrain from calling the husband abusive for the time being. We just don't have enough information to make that judgment. How can we get to that conclusion from "constant criticism"? If he is actually showing abusive behavior, then OP should put a stop to it immediately and get the hell out. "constant criticism" is not enough info to go on.
> As for the rest OP, assuming you want to stay married, all you can do is re-assure him that your past made you who you are today and made you the woman he fell in love with, but you have a giant hill to climb. I'm as liberal as they come about my partner's BODY COUNT, but even I have an upper limit of what would give me pause. This would be especially true if the subject had come up previously and was "brushed off".
> The fling with the other guy 2 weeks into you relationship just makes things worse.


“Constant criticism of my past behavior” is emotional abuse.
There will be no rug sweeping from this end of things, and belittling the abuse by feigning astonishment with a generalized “what is going on here” exclamation does not erase it. I call a spade a spade.
The husband needs to make a decision. “Constantly criticizing” his wife’s past behavior is unacceptable behavior on his part. If he doesn’t like it, he should leave her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MEA said:


> “Constant criticism of my past behavior” is emotional abuse.
> There will be no rug sweeping from this end of things, and belittling the abuse by feigning astonishment with a generalized “what is going on here” exclamation does not erase it. I call a spade a spade.
> The husband needs to make a decision. “Constantly criticizing” his wife’s past behavior is unacceptable behavior on his part. If he doesn’t like it, he should leave her.


This man has been lied to and deceived, I would be very surprised if he wasn't hurt and upset. Abusive is a word used far too readily these days. No it's not abuse in any way to feel betrayed and let down by someone he thought he could trust.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MEA said:


> He can go up and down an emotional roller coaster without abusing her. How you or he or anyone personally feels about promiscuity from either gender does not excuse abusive behavior. As BigDaddy said, he can leave her.
> She lied about something that is a deal breaker for him and that is not good. If my husband lied to me about a deal breaker I would leave him… but I would not verbally abuse him with my own version of morality. Abuse is not love, and there is never an excuse for it, but abusers ALWAYS have an excuse and always see themselves as the victim.
> Is the husband a victim? Yes. He is victim to his wife’s atrocious lying and deceit.
> However, once he began to call her a ****, her lost all rights to victim hood as that is moment he went from victim to abuser.
> ...


Arguments and abuse are separate things.

We just won’t agree on this. OP lied and cheated on her husband. He has all the right to be pissed.

I am guessing you have never been betrayed like this.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> This man has been lied to and deceived, I would be very surprised if he wasn't hurt and upset. Abusive is a word used far too readily these days. No it's not abuse in any way to feel betrayed and let down by someone he thought he could trust.


I agree that it’s not abusive to feel betrayed and let down by the woman he trusts.
“I am disappointed and I feel betrayed. You lied to me, and you know how I feel about numbers of sexual partners.” Totally not abuse.

“You’re a ****. You never should have had so much sex when I had so little during those 6 years I didn’t know you.” Totally emotional abuse. The constant criticism is abuse. If he were simply upset, she would not have used the words “****” or “constant criticism.”

Abuse is far too overlooked these days for us to be in the 21st century. Making excuses and saying it’s “not abuse because people who are upset have a right to constantly criticize” only exacerbates the problem. He does not have a right to constantly criticize.
He needs to make a decision that doesn’t involve berating his wife regularly. That IS abuse regardless of opinion.

Abuse is defined as an action that intentionally harms or injures another person:What Is Abuse? Abuse Definition | HealthyPlace

He IS hurt. No question about that. She did not intentionally harm him. He IS intentionally harming her with the constant criticism and feels he has a right to do so because he is hurt… just. like. every. other. abuser.

Don’t participate in the rug sweeping.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Arguments and abuse are separate things.
> 
> We just won’t agree on this. OP lied and cheated on her husband. He has all the right to be pissed.
> 
> I am guessing you have never been betrayed like this.


Unsurprisingly, you guessed wrong.
I have been betrayed and cheated on. I did not stay with the person just so I could hang around and constantly criticize them, because… I’m not an abuser!


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Being hurt and upset is very understandable. Being lied to in a relationship and before is also un excusable… but constantly shaming her for past events she cannot change at this point could be seen as abusive. He needs to come to terms with this.. or leave. I do feel that if they were not a couple at the time of her sexual exploration it was not cheating. She is a free human and we are not in the dark ages. She should NEVER have lied though. Own it.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

188 posts and only 2 from the OP


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Friedaw88 said:


> It's been 5 months and he is still angry, (understandably).
> We have good days and bad days.
> We have a great sex life.
> but my question is, is how do I deal with the constant criticism I get for my past behavior? I'm completely committed to my husband and never want to lose him or do anything to hurt him. I also have been faithful for 6 years.


Seeing how she doesn’t go into what the criticism is you are assuming what the betrayed husband is actually saying or doing.

It is also obvious that she is trying to save her marriage.

Go ahead and say it spousal abuse all you want, it isn’t. She doesn’t say anything about him shaming her either.

They have good days and bad just like any couple going through a betrayal.

Standing on your soapbox about this that or another is not going to help OP fix anything. It’s just noise.

If you want to talk about abuse in a thread on its own go for it.

We have a few great women on TAM that have lived through it. I am sure they can give some advice on the subject. I would love to see their abusers buried under a ****house.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MEA said:


> I agree that it’s not abusive to feel betrayed and let down by the woman he trusts.
> “I am disappointed and I feel betrayed. You lied to me, and you know how I feel about numbers of sexual partners.” Totally not abuse.
> 
> “You’re a *. You never should have had so much sex when I had so little during those 6 years I didn’t know you.” Totally emotional abuse. The constant criticism is abuse. If he were simply upset, she would not have used the words “*” or “constant criticism.”
> ...


I can't agree. I know people who have been properly abused and this isn't it. Of course he is going to bring it up, it's a big betrayal. It will take a long time to get over. There are always consequences to what we do, and this is now the consequences of her actions. 
He is the hurt one here not her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I can't agree. I know people who have been properly abused and this isn't it. Of course he is going to bring it up, it's a big betrayal. It will take a long time to get over. There are always consequences to what we do, and this is now the consequences of her actions.
> He is the hurt one here not her.


At what point would you consider it abuse? How long would daily or even weekly criticism about something you have no way of fixing become what you would call abuse? Can this just go on for the next 20 years and she just has to live with it?

And please in no way take this as me thinking what she did is okay. It is wrong, but I will assure you would agree that two wrongs don't make a right.


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## Deacon0319 (Mar 4, 2019)

MEA said:


> “Constant criticism of my past behavior” is emotional abuse.
> There will be no rug sweeping from this end of things, and belittling the abuse by feigning astonishment with a generalized “what is going on here” exclamation does not erase it. I call a spade a spade.
> The husband needs to make a decision. “Constantly criticizing” his wife’s past behavior is unacceptable behavior on his part. If he doesn’t like it, he should leave her.


 I apologize. I guess expecting people to wait for a more precise statement about a person's behavior before calling husband an abuser is "belittling abuse". Eff it. Let's all jump to conclusions shall we? You're right, I think we have enough info to condemn the man.
I don't know how else to explain my thoughts on this. I am not condoning abusive behavior, all I'm saying is OP hasn't elaborated on anything and left us with vague answers. Most of us are just jumping to conclusions. I hope we haven't scared her off and she comes back so our posts can become productive for once.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DudeInProgress said:


> For most men it would have nothing to do with competition or jealousy that she did and he didn’t. I think that is nonsense.
> 
> It’s simply that most men don’t want to marry promiscuous women. It’s that simple. OPs husband didn’t realize his wife had been that promiscuous. He later learned she was and it shattered his perception of her.


This is closest for me. I like to think i have someone special, a prize to have my wife. To find out she was not that specialand many other guys already something you thought was special...makes it not all that special anymore. 
To hold your wife in such high regard and then to find out she was not as special as you thought she was hurts like a *****!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

MEA said:


> He IS hurt. No question about that. She did not intentionally harm him. He IS intentionally harming her with the constant criticism and feels he has a right to do so because he is hurt… just. like. every. other. abuser.


I agree about abuse. I disagree about the lack of intention on her part. Just because the lack of intention to "harm" him wasn't there, there was complete intention on her part to mislead. That is abuse in itself. A different type of abuse, basically a denial of agency so she could get what she wanted. She put her fears as being more important than trust and honesty.

Maybe. Because we haven't heard back from OP and we've been arguing her and his sides back and forth without evidence. A lot of assumptions based on just a couple of posts.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> At what point would you consider it abuse? How long would daily or even weekly criticism about something you have no way of fixing become what you would call abuse? Can this just go on for the next 20 years and she just has to live with it?
> 
> And please in no way take this as me thinking what she did is okay. It is wrong, but I will assure you would agree that two wrongs don't make a right.


I would expect him to take a long time to get over that and trust her again.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> You shouldn't have to ask if they are cheating when you are dating someone. Common decency would say cheating is wrong before or after marriage. Did she tell him she had done it? No.


This is you trying to impose your standards as if they were the rules of the world. If we were to start dating (let's set aside our marriages and my being poly for the sake of the example) and you do not tell me from the beginning that you only want exclusivity, then how am I to know that is what you want? My standard does not include exclusivity _that early_ in the dating process. Your standard may, and that is valid. But you cannot expect that your standard is universal. It would only be cheating if exclusivity is asked for. Sure there can be an implication of exclusivity for marriage, and even if one gets to the "going steady" stage of dating. But not at the beginning as was noted by the OP. If he told her that he wanted to be exclusive from date one, then yeah she would be cheating. But he didn't. And he didn't bother to get a straight answer from her on how active she was prior. People need to take responsibility for obtaining this information from potential SO's. It is unrealistic to assume that everyone is just going to reveal everything. And that is before we look at the fact that you are not owed a knowledge of their past. You have the right to not go further if you don't get that information, but you are not owed it. And you are responsible in making sure you got all that you need. You can't expect others to know your standards.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I would expect him to take a long time to get over that and trust her again.


That's a non-answer. What is it take 20 years, or never? He can't just keep bringing it up non-stop?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

MEA said:


> “Constant criticism of my past behavior” is emotional abuse.
> There will be no rug sweeping from this end of things, and belittling the abuse by feigning astonishment with a generalized “what is going on here” exclamation does not erase it. I call a spade a spade.
> The husband needs to make a decision. “Constantly criticizing” his wife’s past behavior is unacceptable behavior on his part. If he doesn’t like it, he should leave her.


With all fairness, and as one who claimed that this could well be abusive, the OP's claim of "consistently" might not match with what we use the label for. Consistently for her might be every month. or once a fortnight. I get the impression of daily, and would defiantly say that was abuse, but I don't know the actual frequency. And I realize that her perception can make it seem more frequent than it is.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Deacon0319 said:


> I apologize. I guess expecting people to wait for a more precise statement about a person's behavior before calling husband an abuser is "belittling abuse". Eff it. Let's all jump to conclusions shall we? You're right, I think we have enough info to condemn the man.
> I don't know how else to explain my thoughts on this. I am not condoning abusive behavior, all I'm saying is OP hasn't elaborated on anything and left us with vague answers. Most of us are just jumping to conclusions. I hope we haven't scared her off and she comes back so our posts can become productive for once.


Exactly. The same holds true for her actions and his questions early on in the relationship. Some of us have been pointing this out constantly.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

drencrom said:


> It's not too complicated that if you date someone, yet go off and shag someone else, that the other person must not have been that important to you in the first place.
> 
> If I'm giving a woman a chance, and I feel it is going somewhere, I'm not going to screw another woman. Cheating or not, its damn disrespectful and hurtful.


That assumes that you are at the point where you feel it is going somewhere. While I have reached that point after a single date, it has also taken me several dates with a person before I reached that conclusion. In the meantime, if I have not reached that point, and the woman has not asked that we be exclusive in our dating, then I am going to date around until I determine I feel it is going somewhere with one of them. This is as valid a standard as yours is. And that is the key. You'll note that I do not berate the standards you hold. Why do you feel the need to berate someone else?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

drencrom said:


> I conceded that it was debatable as to whether it was cheating or not based on any exclusivity talk, or lack of.
> 
> Doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that thinking along the lines of "gee, I really like this guy, but I think I'll go off and bang this other guy" is f'd up.
> 
> ...


You were reasonable, and you feeling mad was valid. What would not be valid is to claim she cheated on you. She hurt your feelings, and she made you realize that she held a different standard. If anything she was unreasonable for thinking that _you_ had to conform to _her _standards. It all comes back to what I have been pointing out. There is no one true way. No one exact point where certain information has to come out. We have to stop making one party the bad guy because they did not conform to the standards of the other party when the other party did not make those standards known.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Deacon0319 said:


> I apologize. I guess expecting people to wait for a more precise statement about a person's behavior before calling husband an abuser is "belittling abuse". Eff it. Let's all jump to conclusions shall we? You're right, I think we have enough info to condemn the man.
> I don't know how else to explain my thoughts on this. I am not condoning abusive behavior, all I'm saying is OP hasn't elaborated on anything and left us with vague answers. Most of us are just jumping to conclusions. I hope we haven't scared her off and she comes back so our posts can become productive for once.


You’re right. We can only base our advice on the information provided by the OP. She said “constant criticism.” This means constant - not weekly. And it means criticism - not sharing feelings of dismay and hurt.
If the OP meant weekly or hurt then she should have said those things. Right now, anything other than “constant” and “criticism” is pure speculation and entirely subjective.
We can only objectively base advice on the exact words provided, which I have done.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's really curious that he got the urge to ask after 6 years and two kids. What was the catalyst? A cynical person (raises hand) would wonder if he's been up to something and is looking for some dirt on her to justify his own behavior. It wouldn't be the first time a husband got bent because the kids were getting more attention than him so he found another source of ego kibbles.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Maybe my standard for dating is different. I assume that if we hit it off in the preliminary stages of just talking and texting and then the first date goes well, that the other person would refrain from screwing anyone else. One of my issues with my wife’s past was that she seemed to sleep with these guys pretty early on. Like first or second date. That made me think that we must have very different views on sex. I won’t be intimate with someone unless I know we are going forward with a relationship. She seemed to be using sex to try and get a relationship before even knowing the other person that well. It also has always bothered me that those guys were seemingly good enough to sleep with right away but we went on four or five dates over the span of weeks before it happened. Granted I was being very careful having gotten out of a bad LTR and a bad rebound right after. I didn’t push for sex even though I probably would have gotten it sooner since we were already making out every time. So maybe that had more to do with me than her. 

She told me that the guys she went out with before me pushed for it early on and they had been out drinking a lot and that she went along with it. But I also know that she went out with other guys who she didn’t sleep with. So clearly she really must have wanted to have sex with the guys she had it with. I also felt like she was placating me and bs’ing when she said that she didn’t enjoy any of the sex, they didn’t get her off, and that she regrets it all. Five guys and not one of them was any good? I don’t buy it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

jjj858 said:


> Maybe my standard for dating is different. I assume that if we hit it off in the preliminary stages of just talking and texting and then the first date goes well, that the other person would refrain from screwing anyone else. One of my issues with my wife’s past was that she seemed to sleep with these guys pretty early on. Like first or second date. That made me think that we must have very different views on sex. I won’t be intimate with someone unless I know we are going forward with a relationship. She seemed to be using sex to try and get a relationship before even knowing the other person that well. It also has always bothered me that those guys were seemingly good enough to sleep with right away but we went on four or five dates over the span of weeks before it happened. Granted I was being very careful having gotten out of a bad LTR and a bad rebound right after. I didn’t push for sex even though I probably would have gotten it sooner since we were already making out every time. So maybe that had more to do with me than her.
> 
> She told me that the guys she went out with before me pushed for it early on and they had been out drinking a lot and that she went along with it. But I also know that she went out with other guys who she didn’t sleep with. So clearly she really must have wanted to have sex with the guys she had it with. I also felt like she was placating me and bs’ing when she said that she didn’t enjoy any of the sex, they didn’t get her off, and that she regrets it all. Five guys and not one of them was any good? I don’t buy it.


Hold on, she was with 5 guys before you? 
Not trying to minimize anything, and you can put your standards wherever you like - but f5 previous partners would not be considered overly promiscuous by most. 
I guess it depends on the age and the timeframe involved, but for an adult (20’s or older) relationship, I wouldn’t sweat 5 too much.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I don't know if this question was answered, as I haven't read through the whole feed yet, but how did he get the information? Did you tell him about your past?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

GC1234 said:


> I don't know if this question was answered, as I haven't read through the whole feed yet, but how did he get the information? Did you tell him about your past?


Seems he “found out” so I doubt she confessed it.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> Seems he “found out” so I doubt she confessed it.


Yeah, I came across that statement too, but I'm curious who would have told him, and what motives they had for telling him. Personally, I don't think it's the husband's business what she did when they weren't even together, but that's me I guess.

Thanks for clearing that up for me.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Hold on, she was with 5 guys before you?
> Not trying to minimize anything, and you can put your standards wherever you like - but f5 previous partners would not be considered overly promiscuous by most.
> I guess it depends on the age and the timeframe involved, but for an adult (20’s or older) relationship, I wouldn’t sweat 5 too much.


it was 5 in the one year period following her divorce and just before we met. For me that’s kind of a lot. It worried me that maybe she had issues and/or was flakey. It also bothered me that she had others to compare me to.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Oddly it's grounds not for divorce, but for an annulment, since she hid significant details about her life from her H and did not disclose them before marriage.

I understand legally their are time limits on annulments, but from a personal or religious standpoint there is justification.

Note that the original poster did not say how near or far away the OM and possibly OW are now and if any are socially connected to her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

drencrom said:


> I conceded that it was debatable as to whether it was cheating or not based on any exclusivity talk, or lack of.
> 
> Doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that thinking along the lines of "gee, I really like this guy, but I think I'll go off and bang this other guy" is f'd up.
> 
> ...


My wife slept with her ex fiance after we had been dating about a month. We had not talked about exclusivity yet. I was obviously pissed. The reality was she really liked me at that time, but she was still in love with her ex even though he cheated on her. And she's been up front that at that time she did it to try and get back with him. She knew it was a mistake right away, so that's a little bit different than your situation. But we stuck it out. She went complete no contact with him and here we are 34 years later still together and no infidelity.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

jjj858 said:


> it was 5 in the one year period following her divorce and just before we met. For me that’s kind of a lot. It worried me that maybe she had issues and/or was flakey. It also bothered me that she had others to compare me to.


Makes sense


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Not many men are lining up to marry the town bicycle. Sorry but,this is a case of "you reap what you sow". Some choices have lasting consequences and the OP's wife obviously made a series of bad ones. It must seem to him that their relationship ended at 21 so she could spend the next 3.5 years sampling all the other meat. Sorry to sound graphic.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This thread is really irritating to me right now.

If the husband wanted to know her number before marriage, he should have asked and gotten a real answer and not let her brush off the topic. 

The town bicycle, really? Are men called bicycles, too? Because all of the men who just MUST have sex by date three or they're dumping you.... now THEY must be racking up some big numbers.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Actually men are called "man whores" and many women would not like to marry one.

They carry the same relational risk factors as promiscuous women, and the same STD risks particularly HPV.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That's a non-answer. What is it take 20 years, or never? He can't just keep bringing it up non-stop?


I don't see him bringing up anything non stop. It will be something that may take a long time to get over though. 
It's like any betrayal, it takes a long time to rebuild trust.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

This is now post # 217 of a thread that OP has posted twice in. 😆. Please jump back in when you get a chance OP.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Lol - what‘s the record here for number of responses when the OP bails after one post?


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Friedaw88 said:


> He asked how many people. He asked before we got married but I brushed it off like it didn't matter.
> It sounds stupid, but I never realized how my promiscuity would ruin my marriage and husband, one day.


I'm not sure I'm following this. You said you "brushed it off." Does that mean you refused to answer or did you lie and give a lower number?

p.s. What is the body count?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Actually men are called "man whores" and many women would not like to marry one.
> 
> They carry the same relational risk factors as promiscuous women, and the same STD risks particularly HPV.


********. Major ********. The partner count a man would have to reach to be called a man ***** is so disproportional to a woman to it is a joke.

You are correct about the STD risk though. But most men think the women they are with are “clean” and don’t think a thing of it. Ask any guy who cheated. And men are more likely to be asymptomatic for many STD.

The OP has real problems, men being equally considered whores isn’t one of them.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Pretty soon by pure natural selection humans will not longer have skin, because just about every other nut is so thin skinned that any word a human spits out is abuse to someone else's skewed agenda.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MEA said:


> You’re right. We can only base our advice on the information provided by the OP. She said “constant criticism.” This means constant - not weekly. And it means criticism - not sharing feelings of dismay and hurt.
> If the OP meant weekly or hurt then she should have said those things. Right now, anything other than “constant” and “criticism” is pure speculation and entirely subjective.
> We can only objectively base advice on the exact words provided, which I have done.


She also said that they have good and bad days.

So you are wrong in you assessment. It’s not 24/7 criticism of what she did.

He will continue to bring this up until he heals and gets the answers he needs.

Remember one thing, OP is trying to save her marriage. She is looking for answers on this not to have her husband torn apart by you.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

DudeInProgress said:


> OK, so you represent a small minority of men. That’s fine for you, and hopefully highly promiscuous women find men like you once they’re done bed hopping.
> Unfortunately for many women, I suspect there are far fewer men like you than there are promiscuous women.


 You know, the only man I know With views similar to you, I met on the Internet. All the men I know in real life could care less about my sexual past or about their partners sexual past. I don’t think you represent the majority of men. At least not the majority of men in modern civilized cultures.
As for the OP, if your husband can’t get over it, get a new husband. He’s being ridiculous.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BlueWoman said:


> You know, the only man I know With views similar to you, I met on the Internet. All the men I know in real life could care less about my sexual past or about their partners sexual past. I don’t think you represent the majority of men. At least not the majority of men in modern civilized cultures.
> As for the OP, if your husband can’t get over it, get a new husband. He’s being ridiculous.


You can believe that if it makes you feel better.

But the vast majority of men that I know (and have ever known) view promiscuity as a major negative in a prospective wife/LTR partner. Most men do not want to marry a promiscuous woman, sorry if that makes you feel bad.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

heartsbeating said:


> This is now post # 217 of a thread that OP has posted twice in. 😆. Please jump back in when you get a chance OP.


Why would she?

This is TAM. Almost everyone of the 217 posts are not helpful at all and just tell her how bad she is.

She came for help and all she got was the same old same old.

People will say well we use the 2x4's to help but really they run off many of the posters.

OP if you do come back. you can go ahead and use the ignore button to have people who are just not helpful. There are those that would try to help you actually navigate these waters.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BlueWoman said:


> You know, the only man I know With views similar to you, I met on the Internet. All the men I know in real life could care less about my sexual past or about their partners sexual past. I don’t think you represent the majority of men. At least not the majority of men in modern civilized cultures.
> As for the OP, if your husband can’t get over it, get a new husband. He’s being ridiculous.


I'm sure you know some that say that and some may really mean it, but I suspect they may be okay with just staying in the dark. If they found out a woman had 10, 20, 30, 100 partners before them I suspect they suddenly may car. They may also think differently if it about 20 in the past 15 years vs. 20 in the past 15 months.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Moderator note: Folks, some posts in this thread are ridiculous. Put your pitchforks away and douse the flaming torches.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Livvie said:


> She brushed off his questioning. He chose to roll with that. He chose to marry her without asking her further questions


Livvie, just using your post as an "overall" since it was worded so succinctly!
He "chose" to roll with that because he TRUSTED her and expected that she had answered truthfully.

He had no reason to pester her about her answer, because he figured she told him the truth. Why would he continue to dig into this? The only reason would be because he didn't trust her at that time, but he did, so....

As we all know, relationships are fluid. They change ALL the time. To talk about statue of limitations, why is this such a big deal to him, is he willing to throw away a good marriage over stuff that happened before he got married, etc. etc. etc..
All nice discussion points, but all irrelevant as ANYONE in a relationship can end it over ANYTHING they wish to do, even if it's unreasonable, even if WE think it's trivial, even if it ultimately hurts THAT person.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Lies and omissions kill marriages as effectively as they kill reconciliations.

_*he has learned how slutty I was. I also told him that I slept with another guy when we had been dating only a couple weeks.*_

When OPs husband asked her how she had been keeping busy during their time apart did she tell him how promiscuous she was? No. She dismissed his concerns. Husband no doubt suffered from the same tunnel vision that many betrayed spouses do - they don't see the difference between the person they want to be with vs the person as they are. He truly desired to be with her and likewise for her. She undoubtedly knew that if she gave full disclosure of her activities that it would have been a deal breaker for him. She did not confess until she was confronted. Her husband was armed with specific information that she could not deny or refute. Video evidence perhaps?

Op also slept with another man while her bf / husband was likely under the impression they were exclusive. Many will say that is none of his business. Fair enough. But I have little doubt she knew that if he learned of this rendezvous it would have ended their dating. She may not be a cheater per se, but she is as close to it as you can get. *She was aware of what would be deal breaking as far as her bf sticking around and remaining committed to her. She went ahead and pursued what she wanted no doubt confident that her future husband would never learn of her past.* It would seem fortune or someone with a grudge against the OP disagreed. OP you may not be a cheater but you gambled with your future just as poorly as one. 

Does anyone know what her husband experienced during their "break." Maybe he was poorly treated and betrayed by another promiscuous woman.
OP has also not shared the specifics of their break up, who chose to and why. Did she tell her bf at the time she needed space, in reality her reason was to be free to sample all the world had to offer. This is merely one example. The devil is in the details and those are few so far.

It is easy enough to say her past is none of his business and he should get over it. How many would say this if the roles were reversed? Marriages are built on trust and transparency. That wasn't the course she steered - _*he has learned how slutty I was. *_OP has by design or by omission undermined the trust her husband had for her. She has no easy way to get it back and if she manages to rebuild it it will never be as strong. Whatever loyalty she has brought to their marriage is now suspect as a result. How can he gauge her trustworthiness if he feels the entire marriage has been a sham and that he was suckered into it?

I'm afraid I have no helpful advice for you OP. A broken trust remains just that. I believe you were well aware your promiscuous past would be a deal breaker for your husband. Rather than take the chance and be open about your past, you gambled and hoped it would remain your secret. Your husband remains with you for the moment because you have children together. He would have been gone 5 months ago otherwise. If you feel his criticism is unfair your choices are to learn to be patient and weather the storm or divorce. There is no guarantee he won't divorce you over this at some point. I admit that isn't terribly fair. Neither was your choice to conceal your past when he asked about it. 5 months isn't a long time as far as processing what he has learned. It is traumatic for most learning that there is a difference between the person they believed you to be vs the person you actually are. That is not to say you are a bad person OP but one your husband would have found to be incompatible with sooner rather than later.

All the best regardless.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BlueWoman said:


> You know, the only man I know With views similar to you, I met on the Internet. All the men I know in real life could care less about my sexual past or about their partners sexual past. I don’t think you represent the majority of men. At least not the majority of men in modern civilized cultures.
> As for the OP, if your husband can’t get over it, get a new husband. He’s being ridiculous.


So it's ok to lie to and decieve your spouse?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

BlueWoman said:


> You know, the only man I know With views similar to you, I met on the Internet. All the men I know in real life could care less about my sexual past or about their partners sexual past. I don’t think you represent the majority of men. At least not the majority of men in modern civilized cultures.
> As for the OP, if your husband can’t get over it, get a new husband. He’s being ridiculous.


I guess we move in different circles then, because every single man I know and knew in real life cared a great deal about a woman's sexual history. Maybe it's a cultural thing since I am South-African, but we don't accept promiscuity and a high body count as a worthy trait for any kind of long term relationship here.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

DudeInProgress said:


> But the vast majority of men that I know (and have ever known) view promiscuity as a major negative in a prospective wife/LTR partner.


Just like the vast majority of men that I know (and have ever known), don't consider promiscuity to be a major negative at all for a prospective wife/LTR partner.

Different circles.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

Personal said:


> Just like the vast majority of men that I know (and have ever known), don't consider promiscuity to be a major negative at all for a prospective wife/LTR partner.
> 
> Different circles.


How do you know what they think about that topic? Have you done a man on the street survey? It seems like you're assuming that because "they're in your circle" they think a certain way. It's a very private opinion.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> Just like the vast majority of men that I know (and have ever known), don't consider promiscuity to be a major negative at all for a prospective wife/LTR partner.
> 
> Different circles.


It is different circles. I know quite a few couples who are each others one and only, such happy marriages as well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Goobertron said:


> How do you know what they think about that topic? Have you done a man on the street survey? It seems like you're assuming that because "they're in your circle" they think a certain way. It's a very private opinion.


I expect if you have friends or family members you know their general views on things.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> Livvie, just using your post as an "overall" since it was worded so succinctly!
> He "chose" to roll with that because he TRUSTED her and expected that she had answered truthfully.
> 
> He had no reason to pester her about her answer, because he figured she told him the truth. Why would he continue to dig into this? The only reason would be because he didn't trust her at that time, but he did, so....
> ...


I disagree. You don't know that. If it was so important to him, he should have gotten direct answers. He chose not to.

6 years and 2 kids later and now he's upset because she went through a "slutty " phase?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Goobertron said:


> How do you know what they think about that topic? Have you done a man on the street survey? It seems like you're assuming that because "they're in your circle" they think a certain way. It's a very private opinion.


I know because their actions and behaviour match what they say, plus I know them very intimately.

Since in my circle the vast majority of my male friends, are mates who I variously served closely with (from when I first joined the Regular Army at 17), through a bit over 14 years of service in infantry and later in int.

Through those years I lived with many of them in barracks (or in shared rentals for some), I have seen them naked, shared showers with them, shared women with some, spent plenty of time with them 24/7 over several weeks through several months at a time. Done guard with them, done interminable piquets, worked on Pri 1 casualties with some of them. I've played mess rugby with them, been in fights with them, been to some of their funerals. These men are closer to me than any family I have.

I know and have known many of their pick ups, most of their girlfriends and all of their wives. Plus I've gone with some of them when we hired sex workers for parties, I've seen some of them have sex in person, just as some have seen me have sex as well.

As to their wives and long term relationship partners, I know their partners and I know how they got together and their stories. Just as they have known the same about me and my partners (including my lovely "winter wench" wife).

Of which most of us haven't given a toss about how many people our partners had sex with. While most of us don't see anything wrong with having sex with different people while dating, in the absence of explicit agreements for sexual fidelity. What we tended to care about in finding long term partners, was finding women who liked us, liked ****ing, were a good root, and were great company outside of sex.

So as I said before different circles.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> I know because their actions and behaviour match what they say, plus I know them very intimately.
> 
> Since in my circle the vast majority of my male friends, are mates who I variously served closely with (from when I first joined the Regular Army at 17), through a bit over 14 years of service in infantry and later in int.
> 
> ...


It should stand to reason that guys who have had lots of casual sex don't worry about the women they are with being the same.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Personal said:


> I know because their actions and behaviour match what they say, plus I know them very intimately.
> 
> Since in my circle the vast majority of my male friends, are mates who I variously served closely with (from when I first joined the Regular Army at 17), through a bit over 14 years of service in infantry and later in int.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your service.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

jjj858 said:


> Maybe my standard for dating is different.


This is exactly the point. There are different standards for dating, and if one doesn't make clear what they are (which you seemed to given your later words), then one cannot blame the other person for not upholding them.



> I assume that if we hit it off in the preliminary stages of just talking and texting and then the first date goes well, that the other person would refrain from screwing anyone else.


There is that whole saying about "assume". Between my experience in the Navy, and the BDSM and LBGT communities, I can tell you that there is no one true way. If you don't make clear your expectations, the other should not be expected to maintain them. That seems to be where the OP is. H expected a certain behavior during early dating, but never told her, and then got up set when he later learned that she didn't meet his untold standards. That's before considering the whole issue of the men she was with prior to then getting back together.



> One of my issues with my wife’s past was that she seemed to sleep with these guys pretty early on. Like first or second date. That made me think that we must have very different views on sex. I won’t be intimate with someone unless I know we are going forward with a relationship. She seemed to be using sex to try and get a relationship before even knowing the other person that well. *It also has always bothered me that those guys were seemingly good enough to sleep with right away but we went on four or five dates over the span of weeks before it happened.* Granted I was being very careful having gotten out of a bad LTR and a bad rebound right after. I didn’t push for sex even though I probably would have gotten it sooner since we were already making out every time. So maybe that had more to do with me than her.


How much of that was her respecting the boundaries that you put out, verbally or non-verbally? You rather conflict yourself in saying that you usually don't engage in sex until at least 4 or 5 dates, but then say it bothers you that she didn't want it before the line of yours.



> She told me that the guys she went out with before me pushed for it early on and they had been out drinking a lot and that she went along with it. But I also know that she went out with other guys who she didn’t sleep with. So clearly she really must have wanted to have sex with the guys she had it with. I also felt like she was placating me and bs’ing when she said that she didn’t enjoy any of the sex, they didn’t get her off, and that she regrets it all. Five guys and not one of them was any good? I don’t buy it.


She mentioned the key factor: alcohol. Not the only one, mind you. I don't push for sex on the first date, or any date really. When she is ready she will tell me, and then if I am not, I will say as much. Men like us exist beyond you. And if those 5 guys were more about getting their rocks off, as opposed to you (guessing) making sure that she has a good sexual experience as well, then she is probably truthful that she didn't enjoy it.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

GC1234 said:


> I don't know if this question was answered, as I haven't read through the whole feed yet, but how did he get the information? Did you tell him about your past?





Torninhalf said:


> Seems he “found out” so I doubt she confessed it.


It's a subsequent post (the OP's only other one to date) on the first page, where she notes that he asked again many years later from when he first asked and she made a dismissive answer. This time she disclosed all (maybe he pushed the issue instead of letting it go like last time?), and he got upset at the answer.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Not many men are lining up to marry the town bicycle. Sorry but,this is a case of "you reap what you sow". Some choices have lasting consequences and *the OP's wife* obviously made a series of bad ones. It must seem to him that their relationship ended at 21 so she could spend the next 3.5 years sampling all the other meat. Sorry to sound graphic.


The OP *is *the wife.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I don't see him bringing up anything non stop. It will be something that may take a long time to get over though.
> It's like any betrayal, it takes a long time to rebuild trust.


That brings it back to word use and listener/reader interpretation. Does the OP mean non-stop when saying "constant"? We really don't know. At what frequency and for what length does it cross the line into abuse?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Galabar01 said:


> I'm not sure I'm following this. You said you "brushed it off." *Does that mean you refused to answer or did you lie and give a lower number?*
> 
> p.s. What is the body count?


And that is the contention of most of the discussion in this thread. Many are automatically assuming the latter, but there is a good number that is willing to entertain the former as possible without dismissing the latter.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> You'll note that I do not berate the standards you hold. Why do you feel the need to berate someone else?


That was not my intention. Please accept my apologies. I can see how that might have been dismissive.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> My wife slept with her ex fiance after we had been dating about a month. We had not talked about exclusivity yet. I was obviously pissed. The reality was she really liked me at that time, but she was still in love with her ex even though he cheated on her. And she's been up front that at that time she did it to try and get back with him. She knew it was a mistake right away, so that's a little bit different than your situation. But we stuck it out. She went complete no contact with him and here we are 34 years later still together and no infidelity.


Glad that worked out for you. Me? Even if she seemed to realize the mistake, I'd have had no interest after that. Again, glad things went great for you.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> This thread is really irritating to me right now.
> 
> If the husband wanted to know her number before marriage, he should have asked and gotten a real answer and not let her brush off the topic.


He did ask. As far as not letting her brush it off, apparently he didn't let her as it finally came to light.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Livvie said:


> If the husband wanted to know her number before marriage, he should have asked and gotten a real answer and not let her brush off the topic.


If she didn't know him well enough to know that her sexual history would be a deal-breaker for him, she had no business marrying him.

If she knew him well enough to know that her sexual history would be a deal breaker for him and hid it, she had no business marrying him.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> She brushed off his questioning. He chose to roll with that. He chose to marry her without asking her further questions and asking for a direct answer. That's completely on him.


So lets say others in this forum were lied to by someone and they initially believed the lies. Thats on them too eh?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Everyone is making huge assumptions. 

I believe it was up to the party who would be put off by "slutty" behavior to do due diligence before marrying someone if it means THAT MUCH.

People are making wild assumptions accusing the OP of lying. She hasn't been back to clarify how the discussion actually went.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Personal said:


> I know because their actions and behaviour match what they say, plus I know them very intimately.
> 
> Since in my circle the vast majority of my male friends, are mates who I variously served closely with (from when I first joined the Regular Army at 17), through a bit over 14 years of service in infantry and later in int.
> 
> ...


There will always be people who fall on both sides of something like this, but I don't think you can deny that very many men care about their partners "number". Why else would there be so much talk about it. I think it is less about the total count than the relative count. It sounds like you are around men that have had a fairly high number of sexual partners, so it probably means less to them. They are somewhat matched and on equal footing when it comes to partner count with a high count woman. However, if we talk about the average man. For men born in the 80's the median sexual partner count is 4-6, for women it is 3. A guy with a count of 4 is very likely to have a problem with a partner that has had 3x or more partners than he. I would expect the same from women. 

Why do they care and why is it important? Many reasons why high count is a potential problem. They may not be serious about a relationship. I can see many asking, why did it take 31 partners to settle down? What was wrong with the prior 30? Which makes you wonder about their ability to make good choices. It could be a sign of lack of self control. When the partner count is way out of balance, like 4 vs 12, it makes you wonder if you have compatible views on sex. I think those are all pretty good reason based on rational thought. The final one is mostly and emotional based issue, which is worrying about cheating. It may not be true, but in a man's mind it makes perfect sense to assume a woman with 30 sexual partners is more likely to cheat than a woman with 2. 

Is there really no point in which you wouldn't be worried about your partner's sexual history? You wouldn't care if they had, lets say, 5x the sexual partners than you? Or maybe 40 partners in the a short span a just a few years?


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Personally, I don't think it's the husband's business what she did when they weren't even together, but that's me I guess.


It’s not just you. There are other people in this world who don’t go down the narcissist route of categorizing women as angels or demons based on sexual history… this thread just seems to be incredibly attractive to women bashers. The OP put herself out there and called herself a “****” so it’s open season on her now.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Livvie said:


> I believe it was up to the party who would be put off by "slutty" behavior to do due diligence before marrying someone if it means THAT MUCH.


Hey, there may be a good idea here. Let's put a polygraph at the government office that issues marriage licenses. That way, no one can say they didn't have an opportunity to get the truth! Trust? We don't need no stinking trust!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Dictum Veritas said:


> So if you can hide it, you got away with it? That's just the way that a cheater would think.


Got away with what, exactly? Got away with having sexual partners while she was a single woman?

If the husband needed to know her exact numbers so badly he should have made sure he got a detailed answer.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sfort said:


> Hey, there may be a good idea here. Let's put a polygraph at the government office that issues marriage licenses. That way, no one can say they didn't have an opportunity to get the truth! Trust? We don't need no stinking trust!


What does trust have to do with previous sexual experiences numbers?

If you want an answer, you ask questions until you get them. Sounds like the husband didn't ask many questions.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> It should stand to reason that guys who have had lots of casual sex don't worry about the women they are with being the same.


You would think, and there are many who are that way. But sadly, there are also many other men and women who are hypocritical in that manner, wanting to have multiple encounters, but wanting their partner's body count to be low or zero.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

drencrom said:


> He did ask. As far as not letting her brush it off, apparently he didn't let her as it finally came to light.


I believe she means he shouldn't have waited 6 year before asking again and pushing for the answer. He should have pushed the first time he asked.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*MODERATOR WARNING:- *Too many comments in this thread are degenerating into misogynistic rants.

The wife who started this thread is* not *your wife. She has done you no wrong.

If you feel the need to take your anger out on another human who has done you no wrong, then I suggest you seek counselling for your anger issues and stop attacking a fellow member of TAM.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Hey, there may be a good idea here. Let's put a polygraph at the government office that issues marriage licenses. That way, no one can say they didn't have an opportunity to get the truth! Trust? We don't need no stinking trust!


Or let’s include more appropriate counseling than many receive while engaged. It tends to be “how are you going to live with that” instead of “do you both have similar feelings about honesty and transparency?”

What really needs to rooted out, regardless of the specific item(s), are those things that either spouse believes, if he/she found out about that, they wouldn’t marry me.

Agency should be a big deal. Are you denying your partner agency? Don’t get married if you are. Or at least don’t act surprised when things come out and get blown up.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He didn't just find out. She said he found out 5 months ago and is still going at her, I would call that abuse at this point.


I totally agree. If he of the mindset that she banged several guys, lied about, and he can't deal with it, he needs to hit the trail. For him to keep harping about something that's stone carved in history is verbal abuse and harassment. There is nothing she can do about it and nothing she can say that is likely to assuage him. 
The moral of this story is:
1. First and foremost, flat out refuse to discuss your prior sex life with your current squeeze and don't ask about theirs. Its none of there business and if they insist, they need to peddle their wares elsewhere. If they snoop around and find out later, let them deal with it in a manner that suits them. Ain't a damn thing you can do about it anyway.
2. If you ever do lie about it, make that your story and stick to it. If you think coming clean at a later date is going to placate the problem and make it better, it won't---ever.
Remember, when your hounded about your past love life, you're likely dealing with an individual with a retroactive jealousy problem and something they need to get help for.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MEA said:


> It’s not just you. There are other people in this world who don’t go down the narcissist route of categorizing women as angels or demons based on sexual history… this thread just seems to be incredibly attractive to women bashers. The OP put herself out there and called herself a “****” so it’s open season on her now.


With anything in life there are consequences. People are free to have sex with as many people as they like but they must realise that the consequences of this are that it may well limit their future choice of spouses. Then to lie to and deceive someone they want to marry about their past sex lives is just plain wrong. 

Nothing to do with angels or demons, the Op shouldn't have deceived her husband and should have been honest. Ok he may not have married her but that was his choice and a consequence of her past choices. That's life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> I totally agree. If he of the mindset that she banged several guys, lied about, and he can't deal with it, he needs to hit the trail. For him to keep harping about something that's stone carved in history is verbal abuse and harassment. There is nothing she can do about it and nothing she can say that is likely to assuage him.
> The moral of this story is:
> 1. First and foremost, flat out refuse to discuss your prior sex life with your current squeeze and don't ask about theirs. Its none of there business and if they insist, they need to peddle their wares elsewhere. If they snoop around and find out later, let them deal with it in a manner that suits them. Ain't a damn thing you can do about it anyway.
> 2. If you ever do lie about it, make that your story and stick to it. If you think coming clean at a later date is going to placate the problem and make it better, it won't---ever.
> Remember, when your hounded about your past love life, you're likely dealing with an individual with a retroactive jealousy problem and something they need to get help for.


I have a novel idea, how about you are actually honest with the person you are wanting to spend the rest of your life with. That way there won't be any shocks down the road like this one.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

So we’re going to pretend that a man or woman might not experience regret about their OWN past, believes it was wrong, and chooses to marry someone whose past encompasses the values they wish they had followed? And doesn’t disclose their own past because they believe that would be a deal-breaker for the type of person they want to marry?

most people aren’t screwed up by their own past. What they did growing up was a learning experience and they don’t spend their lives wishing it hadn’t happened. But some are, and trying to pretend it never happened is not a good choice, especially if your ideal future life depends upon your partner never finding out.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Got away with what, exactly? Got away with having sexual partners while she was a single woman?
> 
> If the husband needed to know her exact numbers so badly he should have made sure he got a detailed answer.


Your actions, whether you like it or not, define who you are. 

Her husband did ask her about her past when they got back together. Was she open and transparent with him? _*he has learned how slutty I was.*_ Obviously not.

Many betrayed spouses would love to study at your feet if you could reveal how you compel other people to tell you the truth especially when they choose not to or they wish to avoid the consequence that they know will follow with exposure.

You have said you do not understand why her husband is upset now years later with 2 kids. Your answer is in the question. He has no easy way out of this situation. Divorce is costly both financially and emotionally. Children are involved and the husband is not selfish or naïve enough to assume they will be just fine if the marriage ends. If the husband knew then what he knows about his wife now he would not have married her and built a life with her. *OP was also aware of this.* In her initial post she described the difference between the level of sexual activity they each participated in while they were apart. *She did not include this information as filler.* *It mattered and she new it was a deal breaker for her husband both then and now. *Everything the husband thought he knew about his wife is now suspect. What would you suggest him to do going forward? How should he attempt to verify whether or not she has been faithful or truthful all these years? Shifting blame to her husband and attempting to vilify him will not help the OP. 

Your actions define you. When she had the opportunity to address her future husbands concerns she chose not to, she said she dismissed them. Now the consequences have landed. There will be no easy path forward and the damage done is lasting.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MEA said:


> It’s not just you. There are other people in this world who don’t go down the narcissist route of categorizing women as angels or demons based on sexual history… this thread just seems to be incredibly attractive to women bashers. The OP put herself out there and called herself a “****” so it’s open season on her now.


I hear you. I just don't see how it's any of the husband's business, if it was before him. If he's that insecure, it sounds like HE has the problem. Or maybe he's angry that his partner number is lower than hers.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> It's a subsequent post (the OP's only other one to date) on the first page, where she notes that he asked again many years later from when he first asked and she made a dismissive answer. This time she disclosed all (maybe he pushed the issue instead of letting it go like last time?), and he got upset at the answer.


Ahhh, I thought this sounded familiar. Why is OP reposting the same thing then?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> I hear you. I just don't see how it's any of the husband's business, if it was before him. If he's that insecure, it sounds like HE has the problem. Or maybe he's angry that his partner number is lower than hers.


It his business because not only was she a self admitted **** prior to him, she also kept that promiscuity up until AFTER they started dating. She admitted to cheating on him at a point where they were dating a few weeks. That didn't come out until 6 years into the marriage. It would have likely come up if she were honest and didn't blow him off when he asked before they got married. Really, her biggest mistake was not just keeping her mouth shut when he ask most recently. I think this is one of the few circumstances where blissful ignorance is a better alternative.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> With anything in life there are consequences. People are free to have sex with as many people as they like but they must realise that the consequences of this are that it may well limit their future choice of spouses. Then to lie to and deceive someone they want to marry about their past sex lives is just plain wrong.
> 
> Nothing to do with angels or demons, the Op shouldn't have deceived her husband and should have been honest. Ok he may not have married her but that was his choice and a consequence of her past choices. That's life.


…not a literal reference to actual angels and demons… didn’t think that needed explanation, but it’s well known that narcissistic men see women as either pure or sllutty. There is no in between in their mind and if a woman does meet their standard of “pure” she is then seen as “bad” or “sllutty.” VERY common trait of a narcissist.

The individual opinions here on whether or not the OP was slutty are just that: opinions. Unlike the factual description of common narcissistic traits.

You’re right - there are consequences for actions. Some are just and some are unjust, and God - not you - is the judge.

The wife lying and the husbands controversial views on her past are the crux of the problem. Without one or the other, there would be no issue.

People here are debating personal theology and ideology, which is irrelevant. We can all find others who will agree or disagree with us regardless of how insane or extreme our ideology is.

If the OP is looking for agreement, she will find it. She will also find disagreement.

Ultimately, this couple needs to either accept each other or not. They are both damaging one another.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

marko polo said:


> You have said you do not understand why her husband is upset now years later with 2 kids. Your answer is in the question. He has no easy way out of this situation. Divorce is costly both financially and emotionally. Children are involved and the husband is not selfish or naïve enough to assume they will be just fine if the marriage ends. If the husband knew then what he knows about his wife now he would not have married her and built a life with her. *OP was also aware of this.* In her initial post she described the difference between the level of sexual activity they each participated in while they were apart. *She did not include this information as filler.* *It mattered and she new it was a deal breaker for her husband both then and now. *Everything the husband thought he knew about his wife is now suspect. What would you suggest him to do going forward? How should he attempt to verify whether or not she has been faithful or truthful all these years? Shifting blame to her husband and attempting to vilify him will not help the OP.
> 
> Your actions define you. When she had the opportunity to address her future husbands concerns she chose not to, she said she dismissed them. Now the consequences have landed. There will be no easy path forward and the damage done is lasting.


I think he now feels trapped in this marriage because his wife lied to him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I disagree. You don't know that. If it was so important to him, he should have gotten direct answers. He chose not to.
> 
> 6 years and 2 kids later and now he's upset because she went through a "slutty " phase?


You also don't know that he DIDN'T try to get a direct answer and she said enough (or OMITTED enough) to placate him and make him think that he actually GOT the answer. It just wasn't a true one.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

For any that appreciate irony, scroll down the page and have a read through the first post under _Recommended Reading._

My fiancé lied to me about* his* whole sexual past, I found out from a past lover.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It his business because not only was she a self admitted **** prior to him, she also kept that promiscuity up until AFTER they started dating. She admitted to cheating on him at a point where they were dating a few weeks. That didn't come out until 6 years into the marriage. It would have likely come up if she were honest and didn't blow him off when he asked before they got married. Really, her biggest mistake was not just keeping her mouth shut when he ask most recently. I think this is one of the few circumstances where blissful ignorance is a better alternative.


I disagree. It's none of his business, at all, because most of it happened before they were dating. And anyway, they were not exclusive during those first few weeks, so she could date whoever she wants. As far as I know, they weren't exclusive. If they were exclusive during those few weeks, then I'll give you credit there, but I haven't been corrected on it yet. 

Honestly, people change, and they seem to have no problems in their marriage other than this. It doesn't affect their marriage, it only does because said husband is making it so. Why ruin a good thing, or bring up past stuff that he wasn't even a part of.

She seems to be a dedicated wife, so the amount of partners she has had doesn't change that. It's funny how many good people fall through the cracks b/c past transgressions are held against them. Now I know why she lied.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I disagree it's none of his business. 

She of course is under no obligation to tell him, but she did. 

To me, it's more about someone's character. Extreme promiscuity, to many, is a character flaw, or at the very least a telling behavior of something being off. When you get married, you have the right to know the person you are marrying. She could have said, you know, I went through a period there for a few years where I was chasing something, and ended up having a lot of sex with a lot of people - and that's not who I am anymore. I worked things out and am dedicated to monogamy. That's all she needed to say, she didn't have to say "I had sex with 38 different people in 2 years". 

To some, having indiscriminate sex with many people indicates someone is either broken, or devalues sexual connection. I'd want to know that.

My wife lied to me in this way as well, but we are talking about 2 vs 4 past partners. I had enough of an issue with that, not because 4 past partners is a lot, but because she was hiding it, and the 2 partners she omitted were situations where she kind of slummed it. It wasn't a deal breaker, but it was good to know.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

As we've seen in other posts, having high numbers of partners can have negative consequences (especially for women). So, it makes sense to ask a potential partner about their past. There should be no secrets before marriage.

It seems like the wife lied (depending on how you interpret her initial post). The husband was absolutely correct to investigate his potential spouse's past sexual history because it is relevant to a successful future marriage. So, yeah, she lied (assumed) and he's rightfully upset.

So, as a cautionary tale, make sure that you lay out your sexual history with a future spouse and have them lay out theirs. Make sure you are both comfortable with it. Don't lie or mislead as it may cause trouble down the road.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Galabar01 said:


> So, as a cautionary tale, make sure that you lay out your sexual history with a future spouse and have them lay out theirs.


Maybe, maybe not. At least compare notes with how each of you feels about sexual histories. You may learn that your future spouse suffers from RJ. If so, you might want to reconsider your decision to marry him or her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

GC1234 said:


> I hear you. I just don't see how it's any of the husband's business, if it was before him. If he's that insecure, it sounds like HE has the problem. Or maybe he's angry that his partner number is lower than hers.


I doubt he is insecure or angry that his partner count is lower than hers. I suspect it's because he was lied to and deceived. Most spouses would be unhappy if their spouse deceived them.


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## Johnnylightwave (Jun 24, 2020)

A lot of women saying the number of previous partners is nobody's business!

I agree... And how much the man earns is nobody's business too!


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> I disagree. It's none of his business, at all, because most of it happened before they were dating. And anyway, they were not exclusive during those first few weeks, so she could date whoever she wants. As far as I know, they weren't exclusive. If they were exclusive during those few weeks, then I'll give you credit there, but I haven't been corrected on it yet.
> 
> Honestly, people change, and they seem to have no problems in their marriage other than this. It doesn't affect their marriage, it only does because said husband is making it so. Why ruin a good thing, or bring up past stuff that he wasn't even a part of.
> 
> She seems to be a dedicated wife, so the amount of partners she has had doesn't change that. It's funny how many good people fall through the cracks b/c past transgressions are held against them. Now I know why she lied.


_*She seems* to be a dedicated wife. _Just not where the truth was inconvenient or harmful to her interests.

_It's funny how many good people fall through the cracks b/c past transgressions are held against them. _ Good people by definition are not in the habit of committing transgressions. Such people are able to accept responsibility for their actions and their past instead of hiding it.

She knew her past would push her husband away. She knew this when they were dating. She lied / omitted information for her own benefit, not her husbands. If she truly believed her past was nothing to worry about and that it would not end her relationship with husband why avoid/conceal it? Privacy belongs to the single. Marriage and relationships require trust and open communication. To assume or operate on any other basis is the road to failure. 

If you have doubts on this point you can reference OPs issue and the first one listed under Recommended Reading below_ - My fiancé lied to me about *his *whole sexual past, I found out from a past lover. _*Lies and omissions don't discriminate. They either badly damage or end relationships, marriages and reconciliations every day without care or concern for the sex (male, female, etc) of the transgressor or the wronged party.*


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I doubt he is insecure or angry that his partner count is lower than hers. I suspect it's because he was lied to and deceived. Most spouses would be unhappy if their spouse deceived them.


You have no idea, actually.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> The OP *is *the wife.


Yes, I know. It was a grammatical error on my part.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well done. I think it worked.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> I disagree. It's none of his business, at all, because most of it happened before they were dating. And anyway, they were not exclusive during those first few weeks, so she could date whoever she wants. As far as I know, they weren't exclusive. If they were exclusive during those few weeks, then I'll give you credit there, but I haven't been corrected on it yet.
> 
> Honestly, people change, and they seem to have no problems in their marriage other than this. It doesn't affect their marriage, it only does because said husband is making it so. Why ruin a good thing, or bring up past stuff that he wasn't even a part of.
> 
> She seems to be a dedicated wife, so the amount of partners she has had doesn't change that. It's funny how many good people fall through the cracks b/c past transgressions are held against them. Now I know why she lied.


It matters because she lied and didn't continue to lie quite honestly. She blew him off when he first asked because she knew it would be a problem. Then 6 years into the marriage she drops it on him, including that she was still be promiscuous while they were dating. Exclusive or not that is pretty poor character and certain not the best decision making. 

It doesn't matter what you or I care about, it is what he cares about. He is pissed because he was lied to about a very touchy subject in a marriage. I understand that she may be a changed woman, but it doesn't seem to matter to him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She may have been better off if she'd stayed single. There's no way I would stay with someone who was looking down their nose at me.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She may have been better off if she'd stayed single. There's no way I would stay with someone who was looking down their nose at me.


Then she should have been honest when he first asked and none of this would be happening now. Either he would have accepted it or the relationship would have gone nowhere. Now she's stuck with a pissed off husband that is on the verge of emotionally abusing her over it.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Friedaw88 said:


> My husband and I dated in high school and broke up at 21yrs old after 3.5 yrs and got back together at age 27. For those 6 years I was extremely promiscuous and he wasn't. After being together 6 years and married 5 years with two kids, 3yrs and 1yr, he has learned how slutty I was. I also told him that I slept with another guy when we had been dating only a couple weeks.
> It's been 5 months and he is still angry, (understandably).
> We have good days and bad days.
> We have a great sex life.
> but my question is, is how do I deal with the constant criticism I get for my past behavior? I'm completely committed to my husband and never want to lose him or do anything to hurt him. I also have been faithful for 6 years.


I'm replying to your OP without reading the replies. It doesn't sound like you cheated on your husband, and you slept with someone before you and your husband became exclusive, so cheating is out of the equation here. What I noticed in your post are two very telling words: "promiscuous" and "slutty". They are telling because they are very judgmental and misogynist. You seem to have a hard time accepting your own sexual freedom. You had sex with many people when you were single, and as long as you did not cheat and you did not hurt anyone, you don't owe anyone any explanation or justification. He has no right to judge you since he was not in your life, but in order to help him realize this, you need to accept your own sexuality and stop judging yourself and stop feeling that you did something wrong. You did not. It's your body, and you chose to have sexual experiences at that time in your life. He has every right to judge if you cheated or hurt someone in the process. That was not the case. The process needs to start with you and then you can work on helping him accept your past. Seek counseling if you think you can't do the work by yourself.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Am surprised this is an issue nowadays....heck u have to ask to be exclusive when dating because is no longer assumed anymore.... I hear about it all time.
The only issue I see with being promiscuous is if you acquired any STD and you haven't told him, the other is how do you know you wont fall for someone else in the future? (usually self-reassurement doesnt work) 

Sent from my SHT-W09 using Tapatalk


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Am surprised this is an issue nowadays....heck u have to ask to be exclusive when dating because is no longer assumed anymore.... I hear about it all time.


Us older folk will remember when it wasn't expected before. There was a reason "going steady" was an actual phase to dating. That was the point of exclusivity. Somewhere along the line, that idea shifted to simply dating meant exclusivity, and quite honestly, I think that is where some things went wrong. But now the pendulum is swinging back to the other side.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Friedaw88,

If you are still reading I think the number of responses and the range of opinions tells you something about the seriousness of this topic.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Sfort said:


> Maybe, maybe not. At least compare notes with how each of you feels about sexual histories. You may learn that your future spouse suffers from RJ. If so, you might want to reconsider your decision to marry him or her.


What is RJ?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Galabar01 said:


> What is RJ?


Retroactive Jealousy. Being jealous of a spouse's previous partner for example.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Cici1990 said:


> I’d leave my husband if he started keeping spreadsheets, journals, or other record keeping about our sex life. If I didn’t leave him I’d at least stop having sex with him all together and see how he likes that. I find it absolutely obsessive and ridiculous.





BigDaddyNY said:


> Retroactive Jealousy. Being jealous of a spouse's previous partner for example.


Ah, gotcha. In this case, I think it really depends on what the OP meant by "blowing him off." If she refused to answer and he accepted that, then he shouldn't be upset. If she lied, was evasive, or somehow gaslight him into not asking, I think it is on her.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Personally, I don't think it's the husband's business what she did when they weren't even together, but that's me I guess.


Ok, fair enough. Then it WAS his business when they were together that she went off and slept with another guy.


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## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

Friedaw88 said:


> but my question is, is how do I deal with the constant criticism I get for my past behavior?


You tell your husband to stop being a ****ing baby and get over it.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

OP really dropped a bomb and ran, lol


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Granted what she did was crappy but why is this in the infidelity forum?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I doubt he is insecure or angry that his partner count is lower than hers. I suspect it's because he was lied to and deceived. Most spouses would be unhappy if their spouse deceived them.


It's possible, but a possibility we can't refuse yet. Who knows anyone's motivation for anything. But it's information he shouldn't have access to anyway, in my opinion.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ArthurGPym said:


> Granted what she did was crappy but why is this in the infidelity forum?


Because her husband thought it was cheating so she asked here.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> So it's ok to lie to and decieve your spouse?


She didn’t lie or deceive her spouse. She just didn’t tell him something that was really none of his business and had absolutely nothing to do with their marriage. She didn’t cheat on him or expose him to any diseases. She had sex with other men when they weren’t together. Quite honestly, the fact that he is making a big deal about this right now, makes really decreases his value as a mate. It’s a wait o shame and control her, and it’s really gross.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

DudeInProgress said:


> You can believe that if it makes you feel better.
> 
> But the vast majority of men that I know (and have ever known) view promiscuity as a major negative in a prospective wife/LTR partner. Most men do not want to marry a promiscuous woman, sorry if that makes you feel bad.


I don’t know why you think the opinions of the men you spend time with would make me feel bad.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

I get that her husband has no right to judge her on her past, but that does not mean her past is not relevant to the choices he makes for himself. This story is a perfect example as to why two people need to be totally transparent with each other before getting married. If she had told him back when they were dating that she was putting out the p*ssy buffet to lots of men, he could have chosen to absorb this truth about her and move forward with her knowing she is a high libido woman, or not move forward. As a guy who was recently screwed over, my inclination is to think OP trapped her husband in this arrangement by not giving him the facts he needed to have made the best decision for himself about his life and future. That is a underhanded thing to do to someone. I don't judge her for her lifestyle choices, only where they pertain to how she interacts with this man who she is supposed to be fully open with.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

BlueWoman said:


> She didn’t lie or deceive her spouse. She just didn’t tell him something that was really none of his business and had absolutely nothing to do with their marriage. She didn’t cheat on him or expose him to any diseases. She had sex with other men when they weren’t together. Quite honestly, the fact that he is making a big deal about this right now, makes really decreases his value as a mate. It’s a wait o shame and control her, and it’s really gross.


I can't disagree more. To people who place a high value on sex and don't see it as candy to be handed out when someone feels like something sweet, the sexual history of your partner is very much your business. People who hold opposite views on this should simply stay out of each other's lives and never engage in a serious relationship with each other because it can only end tragically.

If anyone feels that their sexual history doesn't matter to their partner, they should find a partner sharing that view. What people holding the opposite view will not stand to be told is that they have no right to know the sexual history of their partner. They absolutely do if a person wishes to marry them else the person who feels like their sexual history is not their partners business should just move on rapidly and find someone like themselves.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I can't disagree more. To people who place a high value on sex and don't see it as candy to be handed out when someone feels like something sweet, the sexual history of your partner is very much your business. People who hold opposite views on this should simply stay out of each other's lives and never engage in a serious relationship with each other because it can only end tragically.
> 
> If anyone feels that their sexual history doesn't matter to their partner, they should find a partner sharing that view. What people holding the opposite view will not stand to be told is that they have no right to know the sexual history of their partner. They absolutely do if a person wishes to marry them else the person who feels like their sexual history is not their partners business should just move on rapidly and find someone like themselves.


Then he should have pushed the issue back then. He let it go and married her. Getting upset and holding it against her now after years of marriage in which she has been faithful, is just toxic.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

BlueWoman said:


> She didn’t lie or deceive her spouse. *She just didn’t tell him something that was really none of his business and had absolutely nothing to do with their marriage*. She didn’t cheat on him or expose him to any diseases. She had sex with other men when they weren’t together. Quite honestly, the fact that he is making a big deal about this right now, makes really decreases his value as a mate. It’s a wait o shame and control her, and it’s really gross.


With all due respect that is utter bunk. 

Let me ask you something: if you were the owner of a big business and you were putting out feelers for a CFO for your company, and a person came to you with a very impressive resume in business and accounts management. Say this person had a MBA from Stanford, was a CPA and had certifications behind her name that would fill up a business card. So you go and hire her thinking she is going to manage your company's money efficiently and keep your business in the black at all times. Then, two years down the road, you find out through the grapevine that several years previous she got fired from a previous employer for shady business dealings: for being questioned about hiding and misappropriating funds, and that a criminal investigation was almost launched but wasn't. Now, she didn't get put in jail or have her CPA license revoked, but that history is there. Wouldn't you have wanted to know about this little piece of information she held back before you hired her? Even if she was running your company like a top, and there was no current signs of impropriety, wouldn't you still feel betrayed and pissed off that she failed to mention this nasty little dark cloud in her background? I know I would. Short of firing her on the spot, it would seriously harm my working relationship with her going forward. I would probably call for a third party audit to see if anything was amiss. I would probably put her on probation and tell her that if I find any misappropriated monies, or find out she is cooking the books, then she is toast. And not only that, I will do my best to blacklist her to make sure no other companies hire her. She would e on my sh*t list for a long, long time. 

So what is the essential difference between that and what this woman did with her marriage?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

BlueWoman said:


> Then he should have pushed the issue back then. He let it go and married her. Getting upset and holding it against her now after years of marriage in which she has been faithful, is just toxic.


_"My husband and I dated in high school and broke up at 21yrs old after 3.5 yrs and got back together at age 27. For those 6 years I was extremely promiscuous and he wasn't. *After being together 6 years and married 5 years with two kids, 3yrs and 1yr, he has learned how slutty I was.* I also told him that I slept with another guy when we had been dating only a couple weeks."_

How can he push an issue he knew nothing about?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

fencewalker said:


> You tell your husband to stop being a ****ing baby and get over it.


Ya, that'll be sure to work.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

BlueWoman said:


> Then he should have pushed the issue back then. He let it go and married her. Getting upset and holding it against her now after years of marriage in which she has been faithful, is just toxic.


Because of her history and his values, they are toxic to one another. The crux of this is that he did ask and knowing him, she minimized. That is fraudulent. I can not marry someone if I do not trust them. If I ask them a question and they lie to me, that's on them and their fraud. If her husband had any fault in the beginning then it's trusting her.

If I have to PUSH an issue to get an honest answer about it, then I definitely have a partner that there is no future with and things (even things hidden) will blow up that relationship down the road.


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## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

drencrom said:


> Ya, that'll be sure to work.


Haha! Maybe not but that's the husband's problem. Nobody, including the OP herself, should be blaming the OP for having a good time when the husband wasn't even in the picture. If the husband can't get over the fact that his joystick is not the only one in existence then he's seriously delusional.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

fencewalker said:


> Haha! Maybe not but that's the husband's problem. Nobody, including the OP herself, should be blaming the OP for having a good time when the husband wasn't even in the picture. If the husband can't get over the fact that his joystick is not the only one in existence then he's seriously delusional.


This is not what is at issue. Nowhere in her post does she say he is giving her grief about her lifestyle choices in and of themselves. Nowhere is she saying he is the jealous type. The core issue is that she deceived him by way of omitting information. He didn't find out for six years after they married that she was a hose queen while they were apart. If you don't think that changes a man's perception of who and what his wife is then you are the one who is delusional.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

BlueWoman said:


> Then he should have pushed the issue back then. He let it go and married her. Getting upset and holding it against her now after years of marriage in which she has been faithful, is just toxic.


Following this line of thinking, he screwed up by not giving her the third degree about her sexual history. He's just now discovering his mistake, so he's in the process of fixing his mistake (which is probably breaking up his marriage.) OP's post is how to stop him from fixing his mistake. Or at least that's one twist.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

The closet with her skeletons blew open and she's desperately trying to push the gargantuan pile of bones back into it. Look, women need to understand that men look at women as falling into two camps: those you marry and those you play with. She let him believe she was the marrying type, knowing full well that he never would have asked her to marry him had he known how many knobs she polished while she and him were apart.

There is nothing she can do to fix it. The future of the marriage is totally up to him. If he starts being abusive or is downright neglectful, then she needs to think about getting herself out of the situation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Galabar01 said:


> As we've seen in other posts, having high numbers of partners can have negative consequences (especially for women). So, it makes sense to ask a potential partner about their past. There should be no secrets before marriage.
> 
> It seems like the wife lied (depending on how you interpret her initial post). The husband was absolutely correct to investigate his potential spouse's past sexual history because it is relevant to a successful future marriage. So, yeah, she lied (assumed) and he's rightfully upset.
> 
> So, as a cautionary tale, make sure that you lay out your sexual history with a future spouse and have them lay out theirs. Make sure you are both comfortable with it. Don't lie or mislead as it may cause trouble down the road.





BlueWoman said:


> She didn’t lie or deceive her spouse. She just didn’t tell him something that was really none of his business and had absolutely nothing to do with their marriage. She didn’t cheat on him or expose him to any diseases. She had sex with other men when they weren’t together. Quite honestly, the fact that he is making a big deal about this right now, makes really decreases his value as a mate. It’s a wait o shame and control her, and it’s really gross.


She absolutely did decieve him and she cheated when they were dating. She knew that he may not marry her if he knew so she deliberately didnt tell him even when he asked. She married him under false pretenses. Yes it was his business, if you are going to marry a person you should be open and honest. Just as if you have been in jail for example you should be honest.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Friedaw88 Due to the fact that your thread has generated more heat than light with some rather unpleasant comments, it has been decided to suspend your thread until such times as you want it reactivated.

In the meantime, may I suggest marital counselling and individual counselling for the both of you?


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