# Why is my x staring and looking me up and down so much ?



## whitehawk

In my mind I do still hold out a little hope for reconciliation , I mean I have no choice but to go on with my life now , for me but that door is also open for now. We've been apart 6mths , we were together 18yrs. 

We haven't talked about it at all , things have been strictly non personal but the last few times I've been over at x's seeing my daughter , x has been staring a lot.
I notice her looking at my face a lot , body , or watching if I'm walking around . There's two couches there and she's also been watching me a lot from the other couch as I'm hanging out with my daughter on the other one - like watching . She use to go out but now she hangs around , very chatty chatty .

Wondering if this might be second thoughts slipping in = or maybe she's thinking thank God 

Can say I'm back into pretty damn good shape now if I do say so myself , bought new clothes and stuff too .

It's unusual for her to look me up down and all round like this so consistently .

Ah well , probly nothing but any thoughts ?

PS , it's in a checking out way


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## unbelievable

I dunno, looking for any tiny shards of your dignity she might have missed?


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## Snow cherry

To me all that staring sounds like a good sign. I do that kind of staring when I am thinking positive, loving and admiring thoughts..and since you said she usually leaves, that is a positive sign that she didn't.


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## ExisaWAW

Well, Whitehawk, I dunno. What were the circumstances of your D? Or are you even D'd yet? Replies might vary based on this info.


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## whitehawk

Just separated 6mths now. She moved into a rental with my daught'.
We were always a very close couple 18yrs, married 12 but the last 3-4yrs were very life hard, finances, work, she had health stuff and some depression and we became distant and moody . Eventually I also basically got way to close to one of our friends and although there were lots of "us" things also going on, the EA with the friend was bad and hurtful . I efd up big time but , there was as I say so much else also going on too.
But I wanted to work things out and we could have , the sep was a really pushed thing by her. She found a shoulder to cry on to and started seeing him too. I'm not sure where that's at now , I don't ask.

But she's said dozen's of times this is the hardest thing she's ever ever done and I can really see the stress and the forcing it with her.
It's been about the most painful thing I've ever been through too and I think it has been for her to.
The other night she text me saying she'd fkd up so many things , so badly and she is now coping with so much . I can see it between the lines with her and her health has gotten really bad , she's not sleeping either.
I often worry about her, stupid really I guess.

We still get a long as well as we ever have when I'm not 180'ing with her which has come and gone on my part. I fkd up hugely yes but she left and started seeing someone so there's a lot of anger and confusion for me there and in just how the hell two people are suppose to be in these circumstances .
She's been on and off right through to though since the sep',sometimes really chatty chatty but others a bit guarded , colder.

But lately she's changed a lot a round me. I'd actually pretty well resigned to having to move on about 6-7wk ago so I dunno if you'd call it 180 but I haven't bothered much with any chit chat , text or ph either and when I go over for my daughter I've just hung out with her even if W's been around. 
But she's been warmer , really really kind , helpful , she's come over with D and just hung out back here for longer than usual to quite a few times , brought food .
But there's the what looks like checking me out a lot thing started goin on too . Maybe that's nothing , don't know. It is only natural to a degree.
The other night they were over too and W and I were sitting side by side and her foot was rubbing on my leg , then she realized and moved it.
Don't get me wrong , she's not throwing herself at me by any means but her way is changing a lot.
If there was hope I'd want us back together but I'd basically given up as she kept seeming to keep her resolve about staying sep'. I'd just recently excepted I will have to go on with life now.
I know it sounds typical but this is when these little changes with her have started , whether they mean anything though !
It's also about the time frame too where the reality of sep' and just what has happened really starts to sink in too I guess . 
I've never brought up anything about getting back together.


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## whitehawk

Snow cherry said:


> To me all that staring sounds like a good sign. I do that kind of staring when I am thinking positive, loving and admiring thoughts..and since you said she usually leaves, that is a positive sign that she didn't.



Hmm , got a feeling you might be close cherry and a bit more to go on too..
New event , she invited me over for tea again tonight when I brought my D back. I usually just walk D in , chat a bit , raid the fridge then go.
But she text me this arvo with plenty of notice asking if I wanted to stay for tea when I come this time.
Got the looks again , she also watch me and D a lot too.
I think she might be thinking about the family whole again, don't quote me on it though she's a tricky one.

Do have one clue.
When I got home later she text me again straight away and asked if they could drop in more through the week from now on because D's been hassling her a lot lately a bout the separation . Not sure if that's all there is to it though. D's great when she's with me , we get a long better than ever.


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## brokenbythis

Don't read too much into it. My ex did this, not only checking me out but telling me I was beautiful, he missed me, loved me, wanted to be a family again.

The entire time he's banging other women, got one pregnant, and trolling for sex on online dating sites. He was no doubt telling the other women the same crap as he was feeding me.

Take it with a grain of salt.

The grass is NOT greener and they exventually wake up to this fact, but most of them are unwilling to change their ways or recommit to the marriage. My opinion is they rarely ever change.


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## whitehawk

Yeah right . I have actually read her completely wrong - with no help from her , in all this a few times now. Couple of very nasty shocks in there too.

Too bloody curious for my own good with all this to be honest.

ps. .Sorry by the way too that it turned out that way for you , must have been damn heartbreaking to go through.


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## lostwithouthim

Whitehawk there's always hope, ignore the negative comments. Whilst I think it's still early days, it does sound hopeful! I am in a similar position at the mo. We've been separated for only a month and my hubby phoned me up tonight and we were chatting on the phone for 20 mins! I like to think this is a good sign, but maybe he's trying to get round me for some reason. It's hard not to be realistic about positive signs, you are hopeful and then he does something to make me think hmmmm maybe not after all! 
They *can* change for the better as well, especially if marriage counselling is involved and your marriage may be stronger as a result of this. Keep strong and remember it's still early days! Take things slowly, very slowly and let her take the lead on everything. The worse thing you can do is read too much into it and plunge headfirst into the depths. Good luck and keep us posted on the developments  I do love a happy ending


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Whitehawk there's always hope, ignore the negative comments. Whilst I think it's still early days, it does sound hopeful! I am in a similar position at the mo. We've been separated for only a month and my hubby phoned me up tonight and we were chatting on the phone for 20 mins! I like to think this is a good sign, but maybe he's trying to get round me for some reason. It's hard not to be realistic about positive signs, you are hopeful and then he does something to make me think hmmmm maybe not after all!
> They *can* change for the better as well, especially if marriage counselling is involved and your marriage may be stronger as a result of this. Keep strong and remember it's still early days! Take things slowly, very slowly and let her take the lead on everything. The worse thing you can do is read too much into it and plunge headfirst into the depths. Good luck and keep us posted on the developments  I do love a happy ending



Thanks for that Lost and will do. And the same for you to keep us posted hey . How long were you together btw ?

But yeah it is very very tricky isn't it , talk about cat and mouse. We both hate games but on this one unfortunately , well ! 
Personally I haven't pushed though , not since after the actual split .
I have gently poked about a little you could say but for me , I've just sort of felt what your saying and that it's such a time thing., softly softly. I do feel to it needs to come from her if it's going to. I just feel it has to for her healing, like she needs to reach her own conclusions, to know she's been there done that if we'd stand any chance later.
Yeah , I also like you though privately wonder about every phone call or when I see her , all these little things,actions, looks , a sentence , can't help it. What the hells going through their head !
Think I've done a pretty good job of hiding it though 

Yep , do I know that "maybe not after all " feeling ! Never used the word roller coaster so many times in my life. :scratchhead:


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## lostwithouthim

Hi Whitehawk, we were together for 21 years! Imo, it's too long to just throw it all away. 
I know what you mean about the roller coaster, maybe I've just read too much into it. I've not heard from him at all today, but I'm not going to be the one to text him even though I want to! It's really got me down as I half expected a text or a phone call, but I suppose it's too early to say what is going through his head!
I know what you mean about gently poked about a little. if anything I've shown him I still care about him by doing little things for him. He had an ulcer on Sunday so whilst I was out I got him some stuff to put on it. I remember the last time he left, he said that it was those little things I did for him that still showed I cared. Again though, one day he may accept the little things, but another day he may throw it back in my face.
It's his birthday on Saturday and I really don't know whether or not to get him a card or not, I don't know how he would react. I thought of making him one with husband on it and just leaving it blank inside. I was going to get him a husband one from the shop, but they were all soppy ones that I know he definitely won't appreciate at the mo! 
One thing has puzzled me though, he's got a body shop reward card through the post today and I wonder why he would need that! He's not bought me any body shop stuff lately so I can only think it was stuff he bought for his OW. He won't admit to having another woman, but all the signs point to that. I know that you can get male products in the shop, but I can't think why he would get a reward card for that. They cost £5 as well, so you don't get one unless you use the shop a lot.


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## whitehawk

Hey Lost. 21 yrs , yeah it's a long time isn't it. 2 people
live a lot of life in that time don't they. 
The good news l reckon is that they'll feel that too, it just needs time, well maybe !
Na no cards Lost , mine didn't get me one or call but on hers l just felt that guilty l cracked and sent her a hb text, she didn't reply though , btch. Who knows what she was doing.
There was an om , he started of a shoulder to cry on but grew from there . But when l found out he'd been around my D, she mainly lives there, l blew a major fuse and told her l'm going for custody right now. He hasn't been near the house since but not sure if it's still on on the side.
She does heaps of things for me still, even cooks and still puts in 1000's as well. But no choice with the money, told her that day 1. Our [email protected] was for 2 wages so for now there's no option or we'll go broke. lt's kinda good though because it at least keeps us in constant contact and still sharing all our crap .l know it all makes her think. She saiad we're still a great team.
Body shop , hmm , that might not be good Lost. But , if
you guys use to use it it could of just been one of these 12 mth things they send ya to keep you coming back. Might not be to though. 
For you it all depends what happened with you guys.
That's our gauge. Like l wronged my w badly and hurt
her a lot. So in a way it's my place to but on the other
hand , we didn't have to split , l wanted to work us
out and , she was seeing someone else to now. So to me and l even told her this but that , changes everything.
l won't chase or humiliate myself while she's messing with someone else. So l'm back to all this.
But hey , that doesn't mean we can't poke about 
and add the odd teaser or two does it.

Tell you one thing though Lost, as times gone on l've
had no choice but to look after my interests and also
start looking ahead for me only, just encase. 
And l've also become more and more indifferent which Jesus , seems to have made a whole new difference with her.
A good friend here has worked with people for yrs
and said she's seen the tables turn many many times, in time . So there might be somem in this 180 type behavior thing after all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

PS , although she was also referring to the time spand
and people turning because of the reality check that time
brings. This is a big thing with W because her lifes gettig
harder and harder , not the bed of roses sure lots of them
expect after all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse

She's probably having second thoughts now that you have started looking better and different. I know if I was going through separation, I would be curious as to what my ExH was up to, and I'm certain I would check him out here and there ; ) 

You two were together for a long time. There's no way she isn't going to have thoughts lingering about being with you again.


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## lostwithouthim

I think the 180 plan works, I know that he is more interested when he knows I'm just getting on with things without him! I've started having the milk delivered and he doesn't like this one bit for some reason, lol. He said that during the summer if the milk stays out too long then it will go sour, so i said well I'll just have to get a cooler box to put outside! We used to have one especially for the milk and I hope I can still get one! He messaged me about what he wants my son to get him for his birthday. I didn't reply, so when he phoned me he asked if I'd got the message. I said yes but I didn't want to ruin the surprise, the fact is I'd already got his present from our son.
As for the body shop post, it's funny how he got something and not me. I keep thinking that maybe it was for me, but then where would they have got his name from!
Glad to hear from you two, I was feeling very low today and lonely and bored. Just been for a bath but got bored of just lying there, lol.


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## whitehawk

somethingelse said:


> She's probably having second thoughts now that you have started looking better and different. I know if I was going through separation, I would be curious as to what my ExH was up to, and I'm certain I would check him out here and there ; )
> 
> You two were together for a long time. There's no way she isn't going to have thoughts lingering about being with you again.



Thanks for that and yeah , l wonder ! 
l can see her ticking over that much l can say , but in just what way and direction l can't .

Although that foot brushing's big with her, this is one girl whom there's NO way your playing footsies with, if she doesn't want to. Still coulda been just a teaser , do not know !


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## brokenbythis

somethingelse said:


> She's probably having second thoughts now that you have started looking better and different. I know if I was going through separation, I would be curious as to what my ExH was up to, and I'm certain I would check him out here and there ; )
> 
> You two were together for a long time. *There's no way she isn't going to have thoughts lingering about being with you again*.


Lingering thoughts and actually doing what it takes to reconcile are very far apart.

My ex did this with me for 1.5 yrs. I love you, you look gorgeous, I miss you, I want to be a family again.. the whole nine yards. All the time cheating and today he informed me he is filing a response to my petition, he has until Friday to do so.

Talk is cheap, and yes my ex "checks me out" all the time. He has no intention or ability to mend our marriage though.


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> I think the 180 plan works, I know that he is more interested when he knows I'm just getting on with things without him! I've started having the milk delivered and he doesn't like this one bit for some reason, lol. He said that during the summer if the milk stays out too long then it will go sour, so i said well I'll just have to get a cooler box to put outside! We used to have one especially for the milk and I hope I can still get one! He messaged me about what he wants my son to get him for his birthday. I didn't reply, so when he phoned me he asked if I'd got the message. I said yes but I didn't want to ruin the surprise, the fact is I'd already got his present from our son.
> As for the body shop post, it's funny how he got something and not me. I keep thinking that maybe it was for me, but then where would they have got his name from!
> Glad to hear from you two, I was feeling very low today and lonely and bored. Just been for a bath but got bored of just lying there, lol.



You too Lost but hmm, damn body shop. Your going to have to sniff around next time at his place - don't let him see you though or it'll go straight to his head.

But yeah my 180s more my own version. It's about a 150  . A few teasers use to go a long way with her and l reckon a full 180 would only backfire . She can way out stubborn me by miles.
I have noticed though that just lately , if I've say dropped in for instance , I often just say hi and automatically keep walking into see my daughter, well after the fridge - fk it I eat all her food.
Or just say my peace and get of the phone or text , it's just how l'm becoming as I move on but she has really noticed that.


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## whitehawk

brokenbythis said:


> Lingering thoughts and actually doing what it takes to reconcile are very far apart.
> 
> My ex did this with me for 1.5 yrs. I love you, you look gorgeous, I miss you, I want to be a family again.. the whole nine yards. All the time cheating and today he informed me he is filing a response to my petition, he has until Friday to do so.
> 
> Talk is cheap, and yes my ex "checks me out" all the time. He has no intention or ability to mend our marriage though.



Yeah , l am very wary . Mines the queen of mixed messages , matter of fact that's pretty well why l'm here. lt was things l mdid but right through she's telling me everythings fine.
But , it was only a mth ago l'm reading a Valentines card that's still on her mantel now . Then last night l rock up to see my daughter and W came running down the drive and asked me to come back in an hr and a 1/2 because somebodies bringing her firewood - no need to ask who on that one so !
Not sure if that's because she's afraid l might kill him in front of my daughter or just that fact that l might full stop.

l'm becoming very close to done after that one no matter what's in her head to be honest. Because l'm not sure how much he's still on the scene but he is still on it so that's just about all l need after 6 mths of this crap.


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## lostwithouthim

I don't get to go to his place as there's no need. My son lives here with me. I don't know what to make of the body shop post, I'll see what he says when he comes round. I might just tease him about it, about turning gay or something lol. Have a nice day 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbythis

whitehawk said:


> Yeah , l am very wary . Mines the queen of mixed messages , matter of fact that's pretty well why l'm here. lt was things l mdid but right through she's telling me everythings fine.
> But , it was only a mth ago l'm reading a Valentines card that's still on her mantel now . Then last night l rock up to see my daughter and W came running down the drive and asked me to come back in an hr and a 1/2 because somebodies bringing her firewood - no need to ask who on that one so !
> Not sure if that's because she's afraid l might kill him in front of my daughter or just that fact that l might full stop.
> 
> l'm becoming very close to done after that one no matter what's in her head to be honest. Because* l'm not sure how much he's still on the scene but he is still on it so that's just about all l need* after 6 mths of this crap.


My ex is the same. In the past I told him get rid of the women or don't even contact me. I made it very clear - any women on the scene with him, I do not want to know him. So we went around this roundabout for about a year or so. He would supposedly get rid of them. Then we'd start talking about getting back together. Then I'd find a text, phone call, or he'd let slip hed seen one of them. He lied to my face time and time again. 

Turns out he has been seeing them all along.

Remember.. a liar is a liar and they cheated because they are liars. My advice is: 180 her. Do not read into ANY signals, sweet words, invitations etc. Because it most likely all means nothing. Why you ask? They do it to boost their ego, and to eat cake.


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## lostwithouthim

I have to agree with you brokenbythis. It's an ego boost for them to think they can have you back whenever they want to. They want their cake and eat it as well and my husband likes to think he's still got one foot in the door. It's not fair that he's moved on, yet he's still dangling me from a string and not letting me move on. I've got commitments which is why it's harder for me to be able to lead a single life, but he needs to realise that I've got a life as well. I'm definitely doing the 180 and see where that leads  They don't like it when you become more independent


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## whitehawk

Yeah I hear you both loud and clear.
I've basically been 180ing her since day one really though . We have a lot of crap we have to still handle together though and then there's my daughter.
From all that often things go on from there.
Like tonight I rushed over to see my daughter straight after work . I'd been missing the hell out of her because I didn't get to see her last night.
Wife says , want somem to eat - well fk yeah ! I'm tired and I'm starving , fk 180 my stomachs much more important 

Then she talked about the dish , did I like it , she'd only just tried this one bla bla .
But I dunno , I'm there to see my daughter not her so I just take that stuff as fill really. You gotta say something to each other I spose . Like any of our visits to and from have never been anything to do with us . It's always my daughter or our finances and then I'm off .

I don't know , if your the dad , not living with your kids , I tell you what , it's fkg hell. For your kids and for you. You gotta find peaceful ways of dealing with it for them and for you.

So with what you were saying about om or ow - how much power can you wield you have to see your kids.
If I said that to her - why should she , we're separated , it's none of my fkg business what she does now or her mine as long as it doesn't effect my daughter.
So I dunno how that works.

ps , mind you if we were talking getting back together of course he's out first or that's off - but we're not , never have as yet.


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## whitehawk

Yeah I always wonder with her though if it is cake eating or just keeping things civil for all our crap and more importantly my daughter.
Thing is too we agreed day one we weren't going to be one of those couples in front of her , just dunno.


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## somethingelse

whitehawk said:


> Thanks for that and yeah , l wonder !
> l can see her ticking over that much l can say , but in just what way and direction l can't .
> 
> Although that foot brushing's big with her, this is one girl whom there's NO way your playing footsies with, if she doesn't want to. Still coulda been just a teaser , do not know !



Well, the wheels are certainly turning in her head. About what, who knows? But they're turning.


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## lostwithouthim

I like that positive take on this something else  I dunno if it's harder to know that they are living with someone or not. When my husband first had an affair about 10 years ago, I wouldn't let him take my son out with her. He did anyway without telling me! I didn't want my son anywhere near her. The book I've been reading says that if you act like you've been doing, don't mention the om, keep your talks peaceful and happy and show her what she's been missing. I would compliment her on her food as well, if you think it's worth it that is. You never know, the om might not like it. The book mentions this woman who's husband went off with another woman. All the time she was taking money off him, buying expensive clothes etc. The wife didn't ask anything from him and so eventually the husband realised where he was getting the better deal.
My husband eventually came back to me after 8 months because he could see where his bread was buttered. I had moved on then and reluctantly took him back. I think this has been the problem the second time round in that I never completely trusted him again. If I knew I could go to mc on my own then, I would've done even if he didn't want to go. If only I could turn back the clock, I would've done it differently. Now all I want is a second chance to get things right this time and go to mc on my own even if he won't. But then that's going to be part of the deal if he did want to get back with me, he either goes to mc or doesn't come back at all!


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## whitehawk

Yeah I dunno lost. I guess if it wasn't for my daughter and our left over house and financial mess , maybe l wouldn't have even seen her in this 6mths let alone the rest.
l secretly looked at all that as a bit of a bonus though , at least we'll still be around for awhile you know. 
l may have left the state straight away or anything otherwise. Just for now though like this , we can see what pans out.

Naa, you can't go mc on your own , it wouldn't be right . Where the hells the other one you know !

Wish l could turn it back to , could've fixed all this .

But , you guys are right , she is ticking over l'd put money on it . Me , l'm thinking there's like at the least , not so much conviction in her choices as time goes on . Still , as l say , she's a tricky one .

She's been having so much trouble with my D too. And the other day when l went to pick d up she was in the middle of a major mental.
l roared at d this is absolute bs C and put her over my shoulder and took her out to the car kickin and screaming.
It was just a bs one , she's been throwing a few of them.
Anyway later at my place for the rest of the week end she was just great .
l text W and said sorry about the dramatics. X wrote back and said are kidding me thank God you showed up . That's exactly what she needed l can't do a thing with her , she gives me all this [email protected] , we need you so much sometimes :smthumbup:. 
So there ya go , a wittle win for hawky.


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