# Wife wanting 6 month no contact separation...Is there hope?



## nuk

My wife and I have been separated for a month now and I have just learned that she wants to stay separated for six months. She felt that she wasn't getting any attention in the marriage and that I was not working hard on our marriage. I will admit that I was very busy with work and didn't give her the attention that she deserved. We argued, she left but has told mutual friends and one member of my family that she is still wanting to work it out but she has not taken any steps. She did respond to my email when I asked her what she wanted to do. She wanted me to go to counseling to work on my "anger issues". I don't have aggressive anger issues, I just tend to shut down and not speak much when I am upset and I will admit that small things make me upset. My concern is that she will be graduating from school (Sr. in college) in 6 months and can go back to her parents in Canada after six-months. I can't help but think that she is just buying time so she doesn't have to go through a divorce while in school but am not sure. Do many people do "no-contact separations" for a time of six months and still stay together?


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## anx

non-contact is a little weird. Why is she not interesting in doing marriage counseling now?

There is still hope, but why not get into MC?

Are you supporting her financially in these 6 months?



> I just tend to shut down and not speak much when I am upset and I will admit that small things make me upset.


 This can be very damaging to a relationship.


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## nuk

Thank you very much for your response. I don't know why she isn't interested in doing MC now. She did tell some harmful lies and she is terrible at confronting her wrongs. She may be thinking that it will blow over? Or she has no interest in working it out. I am not supporting her financially, her parents are. You are absolutely right about my shutting down being damaging. Normally I would just tell her what is on my mind but that was a little harsh...I need to learn how to convey what I am feeling without being so harsh. I just think that her shutting down completely is a bad sign. She did send an email to me (after I sent one re: MC) stating that she wants me to work on my issues for a while then we can revisit the issue of MC together. I am just so confused as to her intentions.


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## anx

She very well may be hurt and not able or willing to connect more right now.

I would greatly suggest getting into MC now. Send her an e-mail back saying you know what you did wasn't right.

Sometimes we do the best we know how and its wrong. My MC story is in my profile. 

Anyways, I suggest you get into MC now because the first several session is just flushing out what the problems are. Even if she isn't ready to work on them yet, you need it so that you know what to talk about in IC.

Is your wife the type of person that needs space and time when stressed? I think that is a large part of the reason we went through a separation.


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## nuk

I did say some hurtful things, as did she. She is refusing to do MC with me right now so I am going to IC just to get through the hurt I am feeling. She does like to be left alone when stressed but I just don't get the timeframe of six months without contact. Is that normal at all? I know that we need MC but I just don't know what to do if she isn't talking to me or willing to go to MC just yet.


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## anx

I agree. I haven't really heard of no contact for 6 months. If she is interested in fixing things, I think she will back off that time frame, but I don't really know. 

Shes probably hurt, scared, and angry. 

I would start IC, get a stack of MC books, and bring up MC in a month or so. Be smart in the way you talk to her about it. You can even post what you are going to say here.

Something like "I want to work this out and am committed to change. I have started IC, but it can't really be effective till I know more from you and from MC. 
Even if you are not ready to work things out yet, I think we should get in MC to start talking about what happened and what both of us need to do to fix that."

Best of luck

The gottman books are really good (seven principals, relationship cure)

There are a ton more books that are really good as well if you want a list.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html
Check out the 180. Its from divorce busting. Its a good book to check out.


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## nuk

"hurt scared and angry."

I think you hit the nail on the head there. However, I just don't know what she would be scared of...her lies?

I think your advice is great, I have started IC and I guess I will wait for a bit to contact her. My last email stated to her that I had started IC but I needed her to come if it were to be effective. She hasn't responded yet. I have had brief contact with her parents and I asked them point blank..."Does she want to work this out". Their response was "She does, if she didn't then she would have filed for divorce right away and not lead you on." The concern is that I haven't heard that from her directly. 

I am just afraid of her leading me on for six months then leaving after she graduates...The timeframe just seems too convenient. Then again, maybe I am letting my mind get the best of me. Initially, it was two months and then 3 weeks later she kicked it up to 6 months. I don't understand how she will see any changes if she refuses to contact me. I am also wondering where she just came up with such an arbitrary timeline. Sorry to be going on and on about this but it really helps to have someone to bounce ideas off of. Thank you for that. I have also included her email to me a few weeks ago...Maybe you can give me your thoughts?? Thanks again.


"Thank you for your kind email. I'm sorry it took me a bit to get back to you; I just needed some time to think over what you have said. I truly appreciate your offer to take on counseling. I am very happy to hear that and I think it is a wonderful step to help us move forward. However, as I have voiced to your father, after everything that has happened, I am genuinely scared to move back in with you. I need some time apart and yet also need some sort of reassurance that you are making attempts to end the things that once took place. I am uncertain if you have already begun taking anger management, as we discussed that day at Starbucks, on your own. If that is the case, then I would like to see you continue that on your own initially and then after some time, I would like to discuss this matter again about taking marital counseling as a couple. I understand that you would like to open up a clearer line of communication, but I am very scared right now. I hope you can understand where I am coming from.
I hope that you are doing well and taking good care of yourself. Please take care."


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## anx

> However, as I have voiced to your father, after everything that has happened, I am genuinely scared to move back in with you.


What happened?

Do you punch walls or break things? What is she talking about here?

You said you shut down and get angry easily, but what does she mean by this?


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## nuk

Exactly!! I have never done anything other than maybe raise my voice at times. That is why I don't understand why she is scared and this is where her lies begin. This is also why I am so confused. I should say that our mutual friend was cc'd on the email and she does have a history of playing the victim. During IC the counselor told me that when people don't feel as though they have full control of their lives, lying doesn't seem wrong to them because they see themselves through the eyes of others. Her lying is also making me think that she really doesn't want to work things out. 

I do know that she saw a counselor (friend of a friend), the day we had our argument, who suggested a separation for up to a year. The biggest issue is that I am not sure if her actions are showing that she is not interested but I am confused as to why she would not just end it and leave a lot of her stuff at home. I was hoping that this behavior makes sense in someone's experience but I am seeing that these actions don't make sense to anyone. I am sad that she is really making it seem as though she is done but I guess I may have to end it now and start the healing process.


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