# Need advice big time !!!



## SAH (Apr 14, 2011)

OMG, where to start.

Heres my story, any and all opinions appreciated;

Been married for 19 years to my wife. I’ve been in the military for close to 24. Around May my wife announces that she wants a divorce. She has been throwing the ‘D’ word around for a couple years now but never very serious. (So I thought) We live together with our 3 kids, 17,15,12. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for 2 years now but still have been sharing in household duties and family activities more or less. No (physical) cheating, domestic violence, etc.. We still had last Xmas together, Thanksgiving dinner together with the in-Laws, etc… Obviously our relationship has ben in the crapper for some time but I stupidly thought it may get better. The word ‘separation’ was never uttered until May when she told me she wanted a divorce and claimed we have already been separated for more than a year so lets move on to the divorce immediately. Now, I said no ‘physical cheating’. A little more than two years ago I innocently discovered in her browser history that she had been creating a profile in a ****** ******* style website. Needless to say this shattered my world and I asked her if she was cheating which she denied and claimed it was for ‘research’ ?!?!? She is in the Healthcare Field and works in the sex education dept. so was her story plausible,..I doubt it. Anyways from that point I began monitoring her internet activities and over the past 2 years its has been worsening to the point of several internet love/sex affairs up until present. I have confronted her on some of them and its always deny deny deny, its just friends, get over it. Even when I proved she was lying she threw it back in my face and I was the bad one for spying on her, end of story. I am quite positive they were all strictly internet based. 

Now recently, and since she has announced she wants a divorce she has begun another internet love affair with a old high school friend she met at a reunion just over two weeks ago. Within 3 days it turned sexual and now its full blown internet sex with her sending pics of herself in her lingerie and vis-versa. He’s pressing for them to meet but she’s holding off so far. I’m not quite sure if this is all fantasy to her but the conversations should be in the Penthouse Letters to the Editor section. I literally walked into her room to see her in her underwear taking pictures of herself !! I confronted her about this new guy and as per norm deny deny, he’s just a friend. Then I told her I know its more than that and she admitted they were ‘discussing sex’ but it was all in the vain of supporting him. (He’s in the latter tags of divorce himself) Thats quite the support !!!! Even after confronting her, she still carries on hiding in her room or in the car. The tablet is physically attached to her now.

Now the only reason I bring this all up is that I’m curious if this would have any effect on a divorce proceeding if it was brought to light ? I have seen all this through here Facebook without her knowing as she stupidly still uses the same passwords and I’ve always known them. Is this non-admissable ? Would it even benefit my case ? I still stupidly love the women and hate to think what this will do to my kids. I’ve asked her to reconsider, marriage counselling, etc… but it seems to fall on deaf ears sadly.

She wants to proceed with minimal lawyer intervention to save money. She says she will not touch my military pension IF… I use ALL my RRSPs to pay off OUR debts. She wants me to walk away from the house and put it in her name. Theres not much equity in the house to be honest. By the time we sold it there might be 30,000 to 40,000 to split if we were lucky. She wants shared custody and she wants to be the primary with me paying approx 1500.00/month in support. She wants them with her all week, me with weekends and 1/2 of holidays.

I want as much access to my kids as possible. I’m I stupid thinking we could share 50/50 and not pay anything ?? I asked her that and she flipped out saying she’d go after my pension and spousal support if I pursue that avenue.

Currently she’s writing up a divorce agreement with the help of her mother-in-law proposing what I describe above. It has gone no further. Should I take her proposal to leave my pension and save $$ with no huge lawyer bills or do I proceed and rack up huge lawyer bills and stress ??? I just don’t know.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Run it by a lawyer but yes 20 years she would get half your pension.
Pay a shyster to read it over it will be worth it.


----------



## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

My advice is document EVERYTHING. And do it now before she changes her password. Screenshot her messages send them to your email and print them out do whatever you have to do because the more evidence you can present your lawyer with the better. Also she seems to have a lot of demands with what SHE wants but someone needs to tell her the kids aren't just hers and 50/50 is what it will be. Not on her terms that you can see them on the weekends and holidays, that's bs. You have every right to see them and raise them as she does. And the house, I wouldn't care if there was $5 to split, sell it and get your half. Good luck.


----------



## SAH (Apr 14, 2011)

lovelost2soon said:


> My advice is document EVERYTHING. And do it now before she changes her password. Screenshot her messages send them to your email and print them out do whatever you have to do because the more evidence you can present your lawyer with the better. Also she seems to have a lot of demands with what SHE wants but someone needs to tell her the kids aren't just hers and 50/50 is what it will be. Not on her terms that you can see them on the weekends and holidays, that's bs. You have every right to see them and raise them as she does. And the house, I wouldn't care if there was $5 to split, sell it and get your half. Good luck.


I totally hear you there but I fear that will do more damage to my kids by uprooting them, forcing them to live in unfamiliar homes on both sides, loss of friends, etc... Is that worth a few thousand bucks ?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Adultery affects alimony and settlement in only a few states.

What state do you live in?


----------



## SAH (Apr 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Adultery affects alimony and settlement in only a few states.
> 
> What state do you live in?


I'm in Canada and from what I have read so far it does not effect the divorce arrangements. I believe it is called no fault in my province.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SAH said:


> I totally hear you there but I fear that will do more damage to my kids by uprooting them, forcing them to live in unfamiliar homes on both sides, loss of friends, etc... Is that worth a few thousand bucks ?


What you could do is to put in the divorce that she can live in the house until the youngest is 18 or she moves out to live elsewhere, whichever comes first. Then once the last child turns 18 the house is put on the market, it's sold and you two split the equity.

You will need to set things up so that you know that the mortgage is paid. For example you pay it as part of your child support payment.


----------



## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

SAH said:


> I totally hear you there but I fear that will do more damage to my kids by uprooting them, forcing them to live in unfamiliar homes on both sides, loss of friends, etc... Is that worth a few thousand bucks ?


Your children are not young, they are old enough to adapt to a new home and friends. Do you think she would move out of state where it would be a major uprooting for them? If that were the case I would reconsider. I also agree that if you do let her stay it is ONLY until the last child is 18. Then she must sell and you split.


----------



## SAH (Apr 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> What you could do is to put in the divorce that she can live in the house until the youngest is 18 or she moves out to live elsewhere, whichever comes first. Then once the last child turns 18 the house is put on the market, it's sold and you two split the equity.
> 
> You will need to set things up so that you know that the mortgage is paid. For example you pay it as part of your child support payment.


I would only get 50% of the equity in the house as of the date of the divorce though would I not ? Are you suggesting I contnue to pay 50% of the mortgage payment ?

My fear is if I do so, she will go after my pension, child support and spousal support. (Thats what she says) I don't even know that she can get spousal support. She's been employed most of the time we've been married in a professional occupation about 20% less pay than me.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SAH said:


> I'm in Canada and from what I have read so far it does not effect the divorce arrangements. I believe it is called no fault in my province.


I found a few things and posted them below. You might want to do some searches for your provence. 

You can file an at-fault divorce based on adultery. It seems that you an skip with waiting period with this. But you have to prove adultery. Internet & cyber cheating do not count as adultery in court. There has to be provable intercourse in the flesh. 

One thing that can affect the settlement is if you can prove adultery and can prove that she has been spending a lot of marital assets/income to carry on affairs. You can ask the court to order her to give you the sum of $$ that she blew on her affair. 


so if you want to prove an affair, keep monitoring her, let her meet this guy then get some things off her computer where she is talking about having sex with him. Or have her followed by a PI. 

Also, having sex with her after she's cheated is considered forgiving her and then you cannot file based on adultery. 

You need to talk to an attorney obviously

Grounds for Divorce

Canada has no-fault divorce. The only ground for a divorce in the Divorce Act is marriage breakdown. The Divorce Act says you can show your marriage has broken down if any ONE of the following criteria applies to you:
1.You have been living apart for one year or more.
2.Your spouse has been physically or mentally cruel to you.
3.Your spouse has committed adultery.

If you apply for a divorce on the basis of a one-year separation, you can live together for up to 90 days (either before or after you file the application) to try to reconcile. If things do not work out, you can continue your action for divorce as if you had not spent the time together.

Some couples choose to separate but still live in the same house. A lawyer can tell you what factors courts may consider when they are deciding if you are separated.

Free information about divorce in Canada - General fault


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

SAH said:


> I would only get 50% of the equity in the house as of the date of the divorce though would I not ? Are you suggesting I contnue to pay 50% of the mortgage payment ?
> 
> My fear is if I do so, she will go after my pension, child support and spousal support. (Thats what she says) I don't even know that she can get spousal support. She's been employed most of the time we've been married in a professional occupation about 20% less pay than me.


she could go after alimony but it would only be the difference between your wage and hers. That would be the amount to be split. Every state or province in your case has unique rules on support. She is probably figuring the equity in the house would be equal to what she would get for alimony and doing a asset swap in exchange for alimony is not unusual. 

It is the same for child support, its only the difference between wages unless she is seeking more than 50/50 split of kids. Almost all divorce seems to have a default at 50/50 custody agreements unless abuse can be proven or other extreme condition. 

Whatever agreement she writes up, go to a lawyer and review it with them. It could be a fair deal but dont just agree because its what she wants. Divorce doesnt have to cost a great deal if both parties are reasonable. It can bankrupt you if one is completely unreasonable.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SAH said:


> I would only get 50% of the equity in the house as of the date of the divorce though would I not ? Are you suggesting I contnue to pay 50% of the mortgage payment ?
> 
> My fear is if I do so, she will go after my pension, child support and spousal support. (Thats what she says) I don't even know that she can get spousal support. She's been employed most of the time we've been married in a professional occupation about 20% less pay than me.


No, I’m not saying that you continue to pay 50% of the mortgage or that your equity in the house is frozen upon divorce.
======================================
Let’s start first with the alimony. There is a quick formula that can be used to check alimony. It’s pretty close to what the courts usually give. It’s called the 50-40 formula. A ball park figure for alimony is the difference between 40% of the higher earners income minus 50% of the lower earners income.
So if we assume that your income is $50,000 a year and hers is $40,000 a year (80% of your income), here’s the calculations:
$50,000 * .40 = $20,000
$40,000 * .50 = $20,000
$20,000 = $20,000 = $0
It’s very unlikely that you will owe her any alimony.
=================================== 
Child support. You need to read up on it because it’s not simple. Start with this link because it talks about child support in a shared custody situation. 

What she’s asking for sounds like she’s not taking into consideration that she earns an income and that you will have the children for some part of the time. You might want to read the links below and talk to a lawyer as well to get an idea who this works with shared custody.

Child Support - Custody, Access and Child Support in Canada

Child Support in Canada: Determining Child Support Amount 

Canada child support calculator
Child Support Table Look-up
===================================
I’ll continue in the next post.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You mention her going after your retirement. Does she have a retirement?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SAH said:


> I would only get 50% of the equity in the house as of the date of the divorce though would I not ? Are you suggesting I contnue to pay 50% of the mortgage payment ?
> 
> My fear is if I do so, she will go after my pension, child support and spousal support. (Thats what she says) I don't even know that she can get spousal support. She's been employed most of the time we've been married in a professional occupation about 20% less pay than me.


No, I’m not saying that you continue to pay 50% of the mortgage or that your equity in the house is frozen upon divorce.

In this case you keep the house in both of your names. So your equity claim to the house does not end with the divorce. You would get 50% at the time of the sale of the current equity on the date of the sale.

So she gets the use of the house while she’s living in it up until the youngest turns 18 (or 21 or whatever age you two agree upon). Since she’s living in the house she will make the mortgage payments. But you remain 50% owner so it’s like she’s renting 50% from you. 
When the children reach whatever age agreed upon the house is sold and you get your 50% as does she.

The biggest issue with this is that if she gets in financial trouble and stops making payments, you can lose your investment. So you can make sure that the mortgage is paid by you paying it. But you pay it out of child support.

For example she is asking for $1,600 monthly in child support. Lets’ say that the mortgage is $1,000. So you write your then ex-wife a monthly check for $600. Then you pay the $1,000 mortgage. 

However, from all I read tonight I’m not sure about that child support level. I don’t know your joint income but I don’t think she’s right on that amount. She is trying to keep your time with the children below 40% to ensure that she gets max child support. You can fight that.
And keep in mind that child support will go down each time one of your children reaches age 18.
So the amount of child support you owe might be lower than the amount the mortgage. IN this case you will need a way to monitor to make sure that the house payment is made monthly. 
=========================== 
Another way you can do this is to figure out what child support will be over the years. Then have as part of the divorce that she gets the house and the $40,000 K equity in lieu of $40,000 of child support. And then reduce the monthly child support payments to reduce the overall payments by $40,000.

Why does your wife assume that she is the parent who will get primary custody? She works just like you do. What % of the child care does she do when she is not working?


----------



## SAH (Apr 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You mention her going after your retirement. Does she have a retirement?


She does have a pension plan yes but substantially less.


----------



## SAH (Apr 14, 2011)

I'm reading her draft divorce document and she states;

(snippets)....the mother shall be vested with the permanent care and custody and control of the children........the children shall primarily reside in the home of the mother.....father shall have reasonable access.....every second weekend.......can visit for supper and help with homework.......


This sounds to me like she intends to get full child support from me and not the 50/50 shared custody as I want.

If I use this child support calculator and I select her as the primary residence the support comes to ~1500.00 / month.

If I select shared custody it comes to ~250 / month

http://divorce-canada.ca/child-support-calculator

I think I see the route she is headed here.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SAH said:


> She does have a pension plan yes but substantially less.


Ok so you get half of hers. Or, you get to offset what she gets of yours by what you get of hers.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SAH said:


> I'm reading her draft divorce document and she states;
> 
> (snippets)....the mother shall be vested with the permanent care and custody and control of the children........the children shall primarily reside in the home of the mother.....father shall have reasonable access.....every second weekend.......can visit for supper and help with homework.......
> 
> ...


Her plan is very clear. The children are a money maker for her IF she can snowball you.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Her plan is very clear. The children are a money maker for her IF she can snowball you.


Yes, exactly.

Get a lawyer. A good and aggressive one.


----------

