# For you mid-40s women and/or women who have been married for 20+ yrs



## 22years (Dec 5, 2012)

How often do you have sex with your husband? Alone? Do you initiate? Do you enjoy sex with your husband every time? Do you like sex as much as you did 20 yrs ago?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 22years (Dec 5, 2012)

I only ask this because I'm trying to see if my situation is typical or not.

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years and in the beginning, of course, it was awesome - 4+ times per week.

With life and kids, career, that has subsided - which is fine, but I'm at about 2 x per month now, but would enjoy twice that frequency - i.e., about 4 x per month or once a week (on average).

I don't want her to "do it" merely because of my needs or she "has to" - I want her to do it because she likes to do it. 

Perhaps I should be happy with 2x per month, as when we do have it - it is pretty great. 

So - just curious to see if my situation is typical.

Thanks.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm 48, been with my husband for about 16 years. I LOVE having sex with him. We do it between 2 and 4 times per week I would say, mostly on weekends. However, this has only been true for the last couple of years. We were in a really bad place prior to 2010 - he was cheating and I was totally disillusioned with things. Since we decided to reconcile, we've rediscovered how much we do love each other. I wish he hadn't had to cheat for that to happen.

You guys need to do some work on your marriage. There are tons of great books that can help, or you could try MC. When the rest of your relationship is great, so is the sex.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I'll be 44 next month, H and I have been married 22 years. We have sex 4-6x per week average, and I initiate about a third of the time. I'd say I enjoy it every time, although there are of course times when it's amazing, and times when it's just a quicky or whatever. I like sex way more than I did 20 years ago. Our kids are pretty much out of the house, so no worrying about how much noise we make or getting caught, and H had a vasectomy since then, so no worry about getting pregnant. 
Have you talked to your wife about the fact that you'd like to have sex more frequently? Does she turn you down when you try more often than that? I think you need to be honest with her about your feelings.


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## 22years (Dec 5, 2012)

Wow... That would be great (4-6x), but I'd b happy with Wednesday, Friday-Sunday, or heck Friday and sat only!

She claims she really doesn't enjoy it that much anymore, and sometimes (during fights) she tells me I'm not good at it (ouch).

I've stopped trying to initiate since I was getting turned down so much - so I just wait until she's in the mood - which I can tell is when she wears tight camis to bed (I'll admit it - a breast man).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firedog1 (Sep 17, 2012)

We have been married for 28 years. Got down to every 2-3 months. She read 50 Shades, lost 35 pounds and then it was 2-3 times a week. She said it was because she wanted things to be better between us. Later, I found out she was having a sexting affair with a 25 year man. That was 3 months ago. Now we are back to every 3-4 weeks. Still have a few issues to deal with. Hope you are able to talk to her to get things worked out for the better. Main thing is TALK, TALK, TALK!


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

22years said:


> How often do you have sex with your husband? Alone? Do you initiate? Do you enjoy sex with your husband every time? Do you like sex as much as you did 20 yrs ago?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


just shy of 19 years but together about 22. We have sex on average 2x per week, 3 if its a good week. We mostly just agree we are having sex that night. He knows my signals and I know his. If we are giving similar signals then its on, lol. Im not an overt initiator. Its not my personality but im almost always receptive. I do enjoy it every time, how much i enjoy it depends on a bunch of factors. Sometimes its better than others. I always liked sex, but I get much more enjoyment out of the act due to age confidence inability to have anymore children, lol


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I'm 50...he's 55.... we have sex every nite and the occassional weekend morning. I love sex waaaaaaaaaaaaay more than I did 20 years ago. Less worries, less inhibitions, ALOT of talking...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

22years said:


> How often do you have sex with your husband?


 4- 6 times a week



> Alone?


 Never - neither of us want to do it alone, we both say it's "hollow" in comparison & save every orgasm for each other. 



> Do you initiate?


 I've always initiated over the years... both of us.. now it's like we both are on the same wavelength... it's near = just a reaching for each other & we both *KNOW* where we want it to go.



> Do you enjoy sex with your husband every time?


 Having my husband make love to me has always been a JOY, no pleasure on heaven or earth can compare......it is something that never grows old...new every morning...for me it's the greatest GIFT of marriage. Knowing he feels the same as I ...is a Beautiful thing..... We're both admittedly a little







crazed.... 

We hate to exercise (now that is B O R I N G - can't disciple ourselves, it's awful)....But "Sexersise"...we'll jump ! Besides the physical release, it's the ultimate emotional fulfillment...he would call it "bonding". 



> Do you like sex as much as you did 20 yrs ago?


 Loved it then too, but we didn't engage as much... (both our faults)....I am far more sexually intuned with myself....all inhibitions drowned in the ocean..... now so much realizing what a thriving adventurous flirtatious sex life does for our very spirits ...what my husband needed & craved all along. Could kick myself/ourselves for the past. 

We were "once a weekers" for far too many years. :banghead: Making up for lost time....


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

22years said:


> She claims she really doesn't enjoy it that much anymore, and sometimes (during fights) she tells me I'm not good at it (ouch).


This might be the reason right there.

I felt/feel the same way with my husband, too. I have to admit that the 50 Shades has totally re-charged my sex drive. It made me want to have better more exciting, feel-good sex.

You need to become a better lover. Read books. Last week I got the courage to ask my husband to read "She Comes First." During a typical sex session, he would orgasm 100% of the time and me 25% or less (from oral sex only).

We didn't get to Part 2 of this book yet (the techniques section), but last night, I think for the first time since I can remember, after sex, he performed oral sex so I can come too. That was a breakthrough. Usually after he comes, we're done.

Tell your wife you want to try new tips and techniques in bed to make your sex life more exciting. Ask her if there is anything you can do for her. If she has any fantasies. 

Now that I'm in my mid 40's, I am more interested in sex than I ever was. I'd say we have sex 2-4x/week and planning a vacation to a couples only hotel where sex is totally in the air, with hot-tubs in the room.


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## 22years (Dec 5, 2012)

I think the "you're bad at sex" comment is just fighting material. As when we do have sex, she seems very into it and I make sure she has a really good time. Doesn't mean I'm not open for suggestions on how to improve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

22years said:


> I think the "you're bad at sex" comment is just fighting material. As when we do have sex, she seems very into it and I make sure she has a really good time. Doesn't mean I'm not open for suggestions on how to improve.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If those are fighting words, you have a loss of respect problem.

If there is truth in thme, call her on it. Ask her what you need to do to improve. While you have the responsibility to improve, she does not get to stay silent and keep you guessing. What one women loves another loaths. 

She needs to give you guidance and you need to listen.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Married 19 years. Sex is about once a month, sometimes less. I initiate it about 25% of the time, only because I feel like I should try to show interest sometimes. 

I don't enjoy sex with him. It's never been that great. I never orgasm from sex. He's gained 100+ lbs since we got married, and it has severely affected our sex life. It's more of just a duty to me. It's too bad, because I actually do have a healthy sex drive, but just not turned on by him. Thank goodness for my little bag of toys in my nightstand. I initiate with them about 3-4 times a week when hubby isn't home. Sorry I don't have more encouraging words for you.


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## duncaterro (Dec 13, 2012)

I think you need to be honest with her about your feelings.


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## firedog1 (Sep 17, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> This might be the reason right there.
> 
> I felt/feel the same way with my husband, too. I have to admit that the 50 Shades has totally re-charged my sex drive. It made me want to have better more exciting, feel-good sex.
> 
> ...


 My wife read the 50 shades books too. For 2 months, we were the couple that I had always dreamed we could be. FANTASTIC! She also told me she wanted things to be better for us and she was trying to be better.
Then I found out she was having an EA,( sexting and pictures) with a man 30 years younger during those 2 months. After I put an end to that it stopped and we are in limbo for now. 
Not trying to cause problems but can I ask, what was the attraction to the 50 shades? I want to understand what the hell happened to my marriage. Thanks.


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## steam (May 21, 2012)

63 years old, married 39 years. wife and i have sex at least twice a week. if one of us desires it more we "help" the other or we also enjoy watching each other masturbate. life is good.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

We have sex a lot less than I would like however, we are working on that. I'm hoping for a big jump once BC is more permanent. 

Sometimes alone when he says no or when he's out working.

I always initiate but he actually did the initiating the last time for the first time in probably 12 yrs.

I like sex as much if not more. I just got to get H on the same page as me!


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Similar age to you, 14 yr marriage. We have sex about 2-3 times per week. In early dating it was about every day. Early marriage, it was probably about 4 times so hasn't declined much through the marriage. But...

Saw a significant decline in wife's desire for sex but still pretty good sex and she usually does appear to be "into it" when it happens. But once after a particularly bad session (she laid there and let it be known that she didn't want it), she finally admitted that she has had a big decrease in desire but also got the "you don't pay enough attention to me" thing so I don't know what the reality is.

Early in the marriage, frequency of sex was not an issue. I felt that we were very well synchronized and we seemed to both want it at the same time. It was natural and happened when it happened and we were both satisfied. Earlier I said it was about 4 times per week as that's my best guess but we did not count. It just was not an issue at all.

Now with child, we are more constrained, more pressured in life with careers, she's more tired (physically and mentally) after a day of parenting, etc. I have made it clear that assuming good health, etc, I was not going to live in a sexless (or very infrequent "token" sex) marriage. I saw our marriage headed in that direction. Although it sounds unromantic to plan for sex, I set the expectation that at least weekend nights would be our time to reconnect as a couple, including sex. At least on weekend nights the stresses are less and we have the time alone. I started to feel that not "reconnecting" during these times when we could was wasting away our lives.

We are less matched now when it comes to many aspects of sex. I often feel disappointed. I try not to put pressure on it and she's had to readjust my expectations. Unfortunately as marriage progressed, it was necessary on both sides to set "rules". These "rules" were not explicitly stated but more like tacit setting of expectations. That's probably common and the only way to cope with mismatched desires and expectations within the sex life.


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