# Recently Separated



## perserverance (Jan 4, 2013)

I have been with my wife for 17 years and married for 15. We have two awesome sons 7 and 12. Our 12 year old has also been dianosed with Aspergers Syndrome. I know this has strained our marriage due to conflicting parenting techniques. Like most marriages we have have shared some trying times together. Three weeks ago she told me she needed time apart so that she can work on herself. I begged her to go to marriage counseling with me but she said that she is not ready for that. She needs to figure out some things about herself before she is going to be ready to work on us. 

I decided to stay with my parents so that the kids wouldn't have to leave the house. This arrangement was horrible though because the kids would stay with me at my parents house on the weekend and we all had to sleep on air mattresses squeezed into a tiny bedroom. I didn't feel this was healthy for them.

We eventually came to the agreement that I would stay in the house one week and her the next. This was a compromise I didn't think we would be able to reach but I know God was with us through that. So now with this arrangement in full swing it seems to be the right arrangement for now.

What led up to this? Well the last three years I have slowly been trying to transform myself away from my old life. Baby steps. I spent about 12 years playing drums in different heavy metal and punk rock bands and was heavily involved in drugs and alcohol. I lost many friends to addiction and knew that I had to do right by myself and my family and discard this way of living. I've been drug free for about 3 1/2 years and the last drink I had was about a month and a half ago. 

Most of the horrible mistakes I've made in my marriage have been fueled by drugs and alcohol. Things I don't think that she will ever be able to forgive me for but through prayer I am trying to forgive myself because God forgives me. I carry much shame for things I've done in the past but I do believe in redemption and salvation. 

I'm very emotional for a guy. I know this. I've cried everyday since we've been apart. And the few times I have seen her since we separated I can hardly control my prying emotions. I keep trying to tell her how much she means to me and how this time apart is affecting me. She doesn't want to hear it right now and she won't open up her heart and share where she is at in all this. She says I am suffocating her. I am afraid that I am driving her farther away every time we speak. 

The day before we split I had to have sugery to have a scary Mersa infection removed from several parts of my body. When I got out of surgery I woke up and she wasn't there. My mother was. This crushed me. I went through Christmas separately this year dividing our kids time between us. They enjoyed themselves of course but I could barely keep it together. 

Then New Years came. New Years has not been just another hoiliday for us. 1. New Years is also my birthday. 2. More importantly on this day 17 years ago we started dating. We were high school friends hanging out and I asked her if she would be my girlfriend. She said yes! That night I taught her a card game and as cheesy as it sounds we watched the Power Rangers movie and laughed into the New Year. That night she grabbed my hand and gave me my first kiss. Spending this night alone was devastaing. For the last 17 years this was a magical evening for both of us. 

I saw her earlier that day and gave her something I had worked on all day. 17 red roses - one for each year we have been together. A deck of cards. And an almost impossible to find Power Rangers DVD. And 1 Plush blanket to keep her warm while she was away and a letter explaining what this day meant to me. When she read the letter she smiled and left.

She never approved of the way I used to live but never did or said anything to express her disapproval. I would've listened. However, I knew what I had to do to allow my family to thrive and that is why I chose to get a hold of myself. I'm a high school drop out but 3 years ago I actually started to go back to school. I enrolled in college at the University of Cincinnati to get my Associates degree in business management. I'm going part time, that is why I'm still going but I'm just trying to build a better life for my family. 

Even though she didn't appove of the way I used to live I sometimes think that we were better off in our marriage then. All she wants to do is have time alone on the internet playing online games. She says she does not like face to face contact with people so she has an online community that she utilizes for her social life. She never leaves the house unless it is to stay with her parents. I have encouraged her to go out and make friends. 

I don't really have too many friends anymore. I used to have hundreds, but realized most of them were just aquaintences. Other lost souls. I value friendships so I stuck with only about two or three real close friends. She has no friends at all except for those online. 

She has some very bad compulsions that she is being treated for currently (cutting, skin-picking just to name a couple). I couldn't be happier that she has finally decided to seek help. But I feel selfish for having such a problem with her needing this separation. I feel like I should be the one helping her through these troubling times. I am her husband. 

Can anyone relate. I know I ramble but please tell me that there is something that I can do. I love her more than she knows. We have never been with anyone else we grew up together. I have cherished our marriage and I have tried to transform into a person that can provide sustainability to our family. The more it seems I do the farther away I feel we get from one another.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

perserverance said:


> I have been with my wife for 17 years and married for 15. We have two awesome sons 7 and 12. Our 12 year old has also been dianosed with Aspergers Syndrome. I know this has strained our marriage due to conflicting parenting techniques. Like most marriages we have have shared some trying times together. Three weeks ago she told me she needed time apart so that she can work on herself. I begged her to go to marriage counseling with me but she said that she is not ready for that. She needs to figure out some things about herself before she is going to be ready to work on us.
> 
> I decided to stay with my parents so that the kids wouldn't have to leave the house. This arrangement was horrible though because the kids would stay with me at my parents house on the weekend and we all had to sleep on air mattresses squeezed into a tiny bedroom. I didn't feel this was healthy for them.
> 
> ...


Welcome to the forum, RS, though I'm sorry that you are here for obvious reasons.

First, congratulations on your sobriety. It must be extremely difficult to stay with it as you go through this difficult time in your life. Stay strong.

Have you considered that your wife may have Asperger's also? You say that she doesn't like face-to-face contact and has socially isolated herself. There is a definite genetic component to autism, including Asperger's. Might explain some of her behaviours.

In terms of her wanting time alone......respect it. It will not help if you chase after her. She will see you as weak and needy, someone to avoid contact with.

Read The 180 (search this site). It will give you some strategies for dealing with the separation in a way that will strengthen you for whatever will happen.

Good luck. And, as I said, stay strong.


----------



## jessica.nash64 (Jan 4, 2013)

I really admire your nice smile on the site and the way your profile was expressed and the motive behind it . Honestly it sound that you are fully matured and know what life needs,Well i am jessica and i was recommended by a friend to check on this dating site when i saw your awesome profile and to be sincere with you it approach my attention and i decide d to email to see if you will correspond with me and we can start this by friendship and one thing i know is that slowly and steadiness can make this work out and i am referring to time, patient and also trust .. Always remember that hasty climbers have sudden fall and i will not like to be a victim so by friendship we can see the out come. Hope all this keeps you in a good mood. You can send me Instant Chat on [email protected] and hope to hear from you


----------



## perserverance (Jan 4, 2013)

Thanks a lot Frostflower. Whatever links you may have would be awesome. The hardest part we have had with my son is getting him better acclaimated to his schools social aspect. Unfortunatley we had to move him to a new school this year and the adjustment has not been as well as we would like to see. His last school was excellent. They had him set up with a very personal IEP (Individual Education Plan). The new schools staff is excellent however the things that we had arranged at his old school to years to build. I am afraid that the change in his routine has been very confusing for him. And now with the separation he is really getting confused. We are doing our best but our separation seems to be limiting cohesivness. Support is the main thing our chidren need. In the midst of this division a weeknessess in our support seems to be edging closer everyday. 

Once again thanks for your encouragement and advice.


----------



## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Here 180 The Healing Heart: The 180 read it several times per day !

What about your old live ? What did you do ?


----------



## perserverance (Jan 4, 2013)

To BigMac:

My old life, what did I do?

I was always drugged up. Any drug you can think of, I've done it. It was a badge of honor back then. Now it is just a shameful reminder. Unfortunately being involved in a underground music scene it is a common mentality. And as one might imagine the long term side effects of drugs and alcohol creates a loss of focus and priority in life. 

So with that said I became engulfed in fits of rage, depression, & paranoia. When you don't understand addiction it can mean more than just drugs. I went through addictive behavior, period. Food, video games, porn, etc........

Once I lost my long time friend and bandmate to drugs, it woke me up. It took that for me to see that what I already have, my family, they were more important to me than anything else. My friend wasn't so lucky, he left behind his daughter. I couldn't see doing that to my family. 

About ten to twelve years of this in my marriage ultimatley proved that I left too many scars on my wife. I eventually was able to forgive myself for my actions and try to make amends but now I'm learning that I can't expect someone else to forgive me. I've apologized A LOT over the years and thought that was enough. Boy was I wrong. 

This separation is needed, I'm finally realizing that. Healing on both ends needs to happen. The hard part is the realization that maybe she will never be able to forgive. That is the part that I pray to God everyday about. He has a plan for me and this separation has allowed me the opportunity to strengthen my faith.

Maybe God intends for us to reconcile or maybe He has other plans for me. Faith. If it is His will I will follow. In the meantime I am focusing on how to find happiness within myself through God. 

Thanks for your interest and, by the way, I have went down the 180 list all day yesterday and today and have already started practicing some of the techniques and it really seems to be throwing her a curve. More importantly, I'm feeling great! Well maybe not great but better. I think with time and patience I will get stronger.


----------



## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

If you didn't cheat on her or abuse her then she just need some time and she'll forgive you.We all make mistakes .

Here what I recommend for you :
leave her alone for now
lose weight if you have some over
change your hear stile 
change your dress stile
go to IC
gym 
learn to cook 
work on your manners 

stay away from any drugs and alcohol 

stay on 180 but not too hard , means don't contact her but if she does , answer . Always be nice and polite , do NOT ask her to get back with you. 

If you feel like sending her e-mail or text, do it here and don't bother her.

Good luck and stay strong .


----------



## perserverance (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm having so many different thoughts regarding what I should do. On the one hand I am trying to utilize some of the 180 techniques which is to better repair and prepare myself for what may come. On the other hand I'm reading all these different things how to cope with spouses with possible Aspbergers Syndrome and the ideas conflict one another. 180 tells you to basically try to keep to yourself as to give the WS space. However those with spouses with ASP its suggested trying to maintain contact. I'm scared, lonely, and confused.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

perserverance said:


> I'm having so many different thoughts regarding what I should do. On the one hand I am trying to utilize some of the 180 techniques which is to better repair and prepare myself for what may come. On the other hand I'm reading all these different things how to cope with spouses with possible Aspbergers Syndrome and the ideas conflict one another. 180 tells you to basically try to keep to yourself as to give the WS space. However those with spouses with ASP its suggested trying to maintain contact. I'm scared, lonely, and confused.


P, I'm sorry you are getting differing views. The best approach to the 180 is to implement those strategies that you feel will work for you. You are not going to cut off all contact with your wife because you have children and will have to remain in communication with her about them. At those times, you can maintain a pleasant, open demeanour. I still don't think it is a good idea to tell her how much you miss her, etc. Depending on her state of mind, that could have the opposite effect to what you want. 

You say that the 180 is helping you to feel better and I think at this point you need to take care of yourself. I don't know what is recommended for spouses of those with Asperger's. You know that I have some understanding of the condition and would not brush it off lightly, but I don't see how you can help her if you are not feeling good about yourself. 

If she does have Asperger's, she is looking at life through different lenses. Consider talking to a counsellor who can give you some guidance around living with a spouse on the spectrum.

I will get those links for you.

Hug.


----------



## perserverance (Jan 4, 2013)

When I woke this morning I felt a little different. Angry. I started to think about all of the things that I do and have done for this family. I never recieved a thanks, I didn't need that. I always felt it was my responsibility. Then I started to realize how little she has contributed. And whe she would contibute she would do so begrugedly.

For the past fifteen years I've consistently held a full time job while playing in bands throughout the work week. Even in the band days I managed to do ALL the laundry, ALL the dishes, ALL of the housework and repairs and do frequent activities with our sons. Any time I would ask for her help with any of these chores she would turn it into me being mean as to avoid her having to chip in. For the last year and a half or so I have stopped asking for her help and have learned to do it all by my self. I'm telling you it hasn't seemed that different since I stopped asking. Well I'm tired of cleaning out her skid marks. A husband shouldn't be subjected to that sort of sight. Time for her to grow up and start taking responsibility. 

She has told me in the past that "Well I just have a higher tolerance for clutter due to the fact of how I was raised." That's such a cop-out. She just know's that I will do all of these things regardless if she does or not.

I believe in keeping a clean and healthy home for my children. It is an example I would like them to take with them when they begin building their own families. I think that is fair, right?

So this has been one of the big hurdles in my marriage I haven't quite been able to get over. In the past I had the tendency to mope around the house when I was too tired to deal with all of the house work by myself. Well apparently this was a bone of contention for her. I have told her that if my moping bothers you so bad, HELP ME without me exhausting more energy arguing with you. Literally and example is: 

Me: Hey could you help me out and do the dishes tonight.
Her: Ow like I never help you out around her. Here we go again.

She is playing me I know. Her contributions have been. Takes the kids to school (at least one day a week she forgets to send them lunches). Does homework with the kids (at least two to three days a week I get calls from the school saying that assignments were not complete). In the past handled our finances (I had my primary vehicle reposessed but at that time our internet stayed on). She was a full time student (she earned her Associates, Bachelors, and Masters all with top honors). She has done NOTHING with her education except for rack up more debt. I just got her latest statement for her Masters loan, $47,000. Well the good thing is her Associates and Bachelors are paid off. The job she has now is an accounts payable job that she has been at for seven years and I could get the same job being a HS dropout. It is a forty hour a week job but she gets bored and usally only decides to work about 20-25 hours a week. She plays at least 5-6 hours an evening playing KOTOR online (some of this time is while the kids are still up). I would think this would be a good time to do some of that homework with them. Instead she just lets them have free run on the Netflix. She drinks about two Red Bulls an evening just so she can continue hear gaming.

There is so much more but you get the idea. Believe it or not with all of these things I still love her. And believe it or not in the last year and a half to two years I haven't confronted her about any of this stuff. I just let it ride and have tried to pick up the slack. Sorry if I mope around the house. Well I'm tired of moping around the house to. I need a change.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

perserverance said:


> When I woke this morning I felt a little different. Angry. I started to think about all of the things that I do and have done for this family. I never recieved a thanks, I didn't need that. I always felt it was my responsibility. Then I started to realize how little she has contributed. And whe she would contibute she would do so begrugedly.
> 
> For the past fifteen years I've consistently held a full time job while playing in bands throughout the work week. Even in the band days I managed to do ALL the laundry, ALL the dishes, ALL of the housework and repairs and do frequent activities with our sons. Any time I would ask for her help with any of these chores she would turn it into me being mean as to avoid her having to chip in. For the last year and a half or so I have stopped asking for her help and have learned to do it all by my self. I'm telling you it hasn't seemed that different since I stopped asking. Well I'm tired of cleaning out her skid marks. A husband shouldn't be subjected to that sort of sight. Time for her to grow up and start taking responsibility.
> 
> ...


Pers, love her or not, things need to change before your health starts to suffer, both your physical and your emotional health. Not only that, think of the example your sons are growing up with. Will they go on to be taken advantage of by women as adults? I'm sure that's not the life you want for them.

I'll say it again, please get some IC. A counsellor can help you learn some strategies to enact change. There is also a book that would be worth looking at.......'The Dance of Anger' by Harriet Lerner. It is written for women, however the strategies are sound for any relationship. Lerner talks about how we do 'dances' in our relationships with our spouses, and how to change unproductive or destructive patterns.

You are royally being taken advantage of, whether your wife has Asperger's or not. Continue with the 180, get some counselling and change the destructive dance that you and your wife are doing.


----------

