# Husband not Interested in Lingerie or New Sex Activities



## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

DH and I are trying to get our sex life back on track after a serious bout of ED, refusal and marital issues and marital counseling. Lately it has been 2-4 times per week depending on his work schedule.

One thing that truly, truly bothers me is that he has zero interest in trying anything new in bed. He also has no interest whether I wear lingerie or not. After 27 years of marriage, we barely started using a vibrator.

Since we are going away for his birthday, I was looking at lingerie online today. I showed him one I wanted to buy and his reply was "what do you want that for?" I was so frustrated and began to cry. I told him nothing interests him but I bet if it were on somebody else it would. I know I shouldn't have said that, but this is an ego and self-esteem killer. I told him most men would grt excited and want their wives in something like that.

I have recently lost 20 lbs and am very attractive. As a matter of fact, he gets jealous when he thinks other men are paying attention. He does get turned on for sex so not sure what is wrong.

Men? Any advice or ideas?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What kind of lingerie was it? Personally I'm kind of meh on pretty stuff like lacy baby dolls. For me the ****tier the beter.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well if HE was battling ED, there are probably some lingering mental scars there. Performance anxiety, lots of mind games and triggers of bad times. So, yeah, he is going to stick with whatever worked in the past.

I would suggest you add sex activities that do not necessarily need a "hard as a rock" penis. Maybe start with just a slow massage, scented oils, candles, light music. Let him know it is not always about HIS penis! 

Suggest he does oral on you, and at the end only have PIV sex if HE wants it.

Things like that. Take the pressure off. And if there is an erection failure...treat it humorously and with a "no big deal" attitude. Just have him rub you instead.

Less pressure, more success at the little steps forward, and maybe he will get more adventurous with time.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> What kind of lingerie was it? Personally I'm kind of meh on pretty stuff like lacy baby dolls. For me the ****tier the beter.


each man has different tastes! But yes, what a woman considers erotic lingerie is not necessarily what a man would consider erotic. :rofl:

For my tastes, if there is any bra on at all, it has to be lacy and see thru...NO padding. If no bra, the blouse has to be open and very shear, with the nipples sticking thru.

and on and on.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The issue is less about lingerie than about his lack of interest in trying anything new (including lingerie). Some people just don't have enough interest in sex to keep things interesting, or they are so lacking in creativity and desire for novelty that the same thing time after time is plenty for them - and may even be comfortable versus the discomfort of change.

Sadly, I don't have any good suggestions on how to spark creativity and desire for novelty in someone who does not want it and may not need it. I think it's a basic personality trait and any attempt to change has to come from within the individual, and that usually needs some strong motivation to trigger the effort.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

How old is hubby, and how long has the ED issues been going on?

My first thought is that he is interested in sex with you and is turned on by you. That's the good part. Is he better able to perform now?

He should have tried to be more excited about you wearing something sexy, but he didn't filter out his raw feelings. Maybe he likes you better naked?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon Jasmine9
I love when my wife wears lingerie - not so much because of how it look, but because it shows that she wants my attention - and she gets it. I'm sorry your husband doesn't seem to care.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Perhaps your H needs to up his game. Get him the book -- Married Men Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay.

Get him to a gym and get in shape. Start 3 times a week and up to 4 times a week. Aerobic (think elliptical) and weight lifting. Machines and free weights. He'll improve faster with free weights. Have him spend some time with a trainer to get his goals aligned with his needs.

If he works hard and pushes through the lazy excuses and does it seriously, he will have major improvements in 3 months. His confidence will return and he'll look great too.

Check his testosterone and estradiol levels - and thyroids. Male hormone checks. Be super careful with doctors. They know next to nothing about hormones and hormone balancing. Find one who does.

His total T needs to be 700-900 range. If doctor says he is 290 and in normal range, the doctor is an idiot. Anything below 550 will expose him to all sorts of medical risks.

Free T should be 20-25. Estradiol between 20-30. 

There are tools he can use to balance his hormones and this with disciplined exercise, you will be married to a 30 year old man and love it!!

Info is online. Search for it at Life Extension Foundation. LEF.ORG. Get MMSLP at Amazon. 

Diet is important too. No more white stuff. Sugar, bread, white rice, pretty much anything white. More protein, less carbs and calories. And zero high fructose corn syrup. It is poison to the body. Read the labels on ketchup. You'll be shocked. You can find food without HFCS. 

Btw, I did all of the above. Wife is checking me out all the time as are other ladies. I just tell her don't worry, I go home with you. She is now working out with me to catch up. Exactly what MMSLP said she would do. I Dropped 20 pounds of fat and gained 25+ pounds of muscle. We are having a great time. Within just a few months and such rapid changes. Feels great. Very worthwhile in every and all ways.

Cheers!

ps, buy the lingerie. Like it or not, he'll look. Probably when you do not see him looking. He'll like it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Was there a root cause found that explained why he had ED? Is the ED still an issue, or is it past you guys now? If he used to be excited about exploring sexuality, lingerie and fantasies (just the two of you only, of course) and no longer has that, then I'd point to a hormonal issue as a place to explore first. Maybe he has low T. If he was never into this stuff from the get go, then you will have to crack this nut on a psychological level. But don't be surprised if he continues to want the traditional things you always used to do if that is what he liked from the get go. You may have to process this and come to terms with it.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

He has had hormones check and according to his doctor, he is fine. He works out and is also on a high-dose Vitamin D pill for 12 weeks as it was low. The ED has improved and he usually does not need his "pill" unless he really feels it. He's probably used it once in 2 weeks. He does mention pressure and not being able to perform. I think he has it in his head now. He really hasn't always been creative in bed. Maybe I just notice now that I am older and felt a kick to my ego during the ED period. I always felt as if he were still stuck in his awkward teen sex days. Maybe never maturing sexually. He did at one point (years ago) request lingerie and other activities but nothing crazy.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

jasmine9 said:


> He has had hormones check and according to his doctor, he is fine. He works out and is also on a high-dose Vitamin D pill for 12 weeks as it was low. The ED has improved and he usually does not need his "pill" unless he really feels it. He's probably used it once in 2 weeks. He does mention pressure and not being able to perform. I think he has it in his head now. He really hasn't always been creative in bed. Maybe I just notice now that I am older and felt a kick to my ego during the ED period. I always felt as if he were still stuck in his awkward teen sex days. Maybe never maturing sexually. He did at one point (years ago) request lingerie and other activities but nothing crazy.


"According to the doctor...."

*CAUTION*. Doctors know nothing. Do not trust the doctor. Get a copy of his blood test and check the numbers for yourself. You will be surprised. 

Total T
Free T
SHBG - sex hormone binding globulin. 
DHT
Estradiol

If the doc says all these are not necessary, get another doc. Go to LEF.ORG and do your own study. Do not take it from me. They have a ton of research online.

How about diet and exercise. Serious exercise yields significant results. Blood pressure can impact ED too. Target BP should be 110/70 not what docs say. Also fasting blood glucose - should be 80. Not what the doc says.

Keep in mind, Obamacare will widen ranges in blood tests to save money by avoiding treatment. Life Extension Foundation has all the true, researched recommended blood levels online.

ED info is also available online. It can be a symptom of other cardiac issues. Do the online research at LEF.ORG. Mental issues as you say could be it too. We guys never really grow up...

How high is his vitamin D. I take 5,000-7,000 IU a day. D is oil soluble, not water, so he needs to take with food for better absorption.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

To me, the mere mention of lingerie gets my attention, I simply cannot understand how your man wouldnt get excited about you wanting to buy some, let alone wear it. I wouldnt like that he said "what do you want that for". That tells me he has no sexual interest in you, sorry to put it bluntly. Based on his comment I doubt its medical in any way shape or form.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

roostr said:


> To me, the mere mention of lingerie gets my attention, I simply cannot understand how your man wouldnt get excited about you wanting to buy some, let alone wear it. I wouldnt like that he said "what do you want that for". That tells me he has no sexual interest in you, sorry to put it bluntly. Based on his comment I doubt its medical in any way shape or form.


Quite possible. Also low T can have a huge influence on a guy too. It may have been low for years now. Hence the interest in getting the actual blood test and look for herself. 

She can rule it out or consider it an issue, but needs to know for sure. 

Doctors only get 4 hours training in hormones in medical school. Can't trust such an important thing to inadequately trained docs.

Consider your post now. You probably have healthy T levels and react as a guy typically does. A low-T guy sounds like her H in addition to other issues. She needs to rule them out or in and determine root cause to help him.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

He acknowledges that it may not be medical but psychological at this point. They have done T levels twice since 2007. The first one was low but endocronologist said it was fine and they didn't treat. This time the level was up just a bit more but once again the doctor said it was normal and no treatment needed. He does get turned on in bed and is able to keep an erection to completion. Other than that, he is just basic.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Jasmine...

Understand, this is just me and probably doesn't stand true for your husband. There is nothing about my wife's body that excites me. Never was, never will be. I believe, if a body doesn't look appealing w/o clothes, nothing she puts on will help.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

jasmine9 said:


> He acknowledges that it may not be medical but psychological at this point. They have done T levels twice since 2007. The first one was low but endocronologist said it was fine and they didn't treat. This time the level was up just a bit more but once again the doctor said it was normal and no treatment needed. He does get turned on in bed and is able to keep an erection to completion. Other than that, he is just basic.


Sorry, I won't ask again, just this once. What ARE his blood levels. Get the numbers From the test itself. You can call and they can tell you the specific numbers or send you a copy. The above noted levels are recommended. Not the usual false range printed on blood tests. So easy to check. Too important not to check. 

Get the numbers. The you can rule it out if they are within those ranges from LEF...

See what I mean, low but no treatment? Below 700 is low... How low.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

In April of this year the normal range was above 463. His just said "above 220." In 2007, Total was 400 with a normal range from 250-1100. Free was 57.9 with a normal range of 35-155.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

jasmine9 said:


> In April of this year the normal range was above 463. His just said "above 220." In 2007, Total was 400 with a normal range from 250-1100. Free was 57.9 with a normal range of 35-155.


What is his BP and overall shape? Is his cardio strong?

What is work/life like? Stress going on?


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

BP is normal and so is overall health. Work is stressful and that is something we used to discuss in counseling. He has to wake up at 2 or 3 am to be at work at 5. He is getting between 2-3 hea of sleep during the week. I try to discuss this problem with him but he denies it is me.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

jasmine9 said:


> BP is normal and so is overall health. Work is stressful and that is something we used to discuss in counseling. He has to wake up at 2 or 3 am to be at work at 5. He is getting between 2-3 hea of sleep during the week. I try to discuss this problem with him but he denies it is me.


Wow, that is a load. I use to work, when I was young, 80-100 hours weeks at a little software company in Redmond, WA  and that was crazy.

Today, and the near future, what does he want? Is there any motivation to improve in his life? And with you?


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

Yes. He talks about a career change. We are looking for a new counselor, he has returned to Church as I requested and we do spend a lot of time together.

He does always say he hope he isn't too boring (sexually) and maybe I deserve somebody that can please me. He said he has the same moves and positions he is comfortable with.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

jasmine9 said:


> In April of this year the normal range was above 463. His just said "above 220." In 2007, Total was 400 with a normal range from 250-1100. Free was 57.9 with a normal range of 35-155.


Wow. It is certainly low. * 700-900 total IS THE RECOMMEDED HEALTHY LEVEL*. Ignore the printed ranges on blood tests. LEF.ORG has info for you.

What about estradiol, DHT, SHBG...?

That will influence so much more than sex drive. Mood, cardiac issues. Wonder what his fasting glucose is.

On Page 72 Life Extension Magazine, March 2014:

Less than 550 increases chances of heart attack, unstable angina, bypass surgery or stents, mini strokes or full on strokes. Above 550 reduces this risk and a host of metabolic factors. Mood, sex life, lots of important things regarding T levels for a man. Low T is even a factor in Diabetes.

This is not the misinformation you get on the news. Read the article for complete info. It's online.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

jasmine9 said:


> Men? Any advice or ideas?


Have him troll around this section of the forum for awhile so he understands how lucky he is to be married to someone like you.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Agree with WorkingOnMe - lacy baby dolls and the like do nothing for me. Old GF would wear a nice bra where you could see the top of her nipples (she was a D-cup), and loved to dress up where she would wear pantyhose. Mind you, nothing real fancy, but damn, if it didn't turn me on (still does to this day thinking about it). Best part was just seeing her in just her bra and pantyhose and working on slowly getting them off of her. 

Tell your husband that he's a very lucky man. Many a man on this forum would love for their wives to just think about this, let alone go through with it.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

He did mention the other day getting me a gift card so I could get matching bra and panty sets as he would like that. We talked some when I came home on break today. He doesn't understand what I mean when I say I want him to desire me. So we talked about doing different things and he wants me to pole dance for him! Told him that was over the top for me. I bought a spreader bar about a month ago but he says that's over the top as he
isn't into that stuff. I had to leave and he said we would talk more when I got home. I think this is something that should be addressed in counseling.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Hi! Link and tag the pic NSFW please!


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

I saved the pic to my phone and attached it. I will try and do link


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You've been together 27 years and having sex 2-4/week? I'll go out on limb and guess you're 50. That's like the Promised Land.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

http://www.ebay.com/itm/171277499527 

NSFW

This is what I showed him and I ended up ordering today anyways.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

http://www.ebay.com/itm/171277499527 

NSFW


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

Link doesn't work on here


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

Runs like Dog said:


> You've been together 27 years and having sex 2-4/week? I'll go out on limb and guess you're 50. That's like the Promised Land.


Yes but been together almost 30. I am 46 and he is 47. I always have the urge for some fooling around though. I have a vibrator but he doesn't like when I use it unless it is when we are having sex.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

He was a bit more attentive today and we even made love. We went to bed and he hugged me. He told me he looked at the picture I had sent him. I asked which one. (I sent him a NSFW pic about a week ago and the comment he said then jokingly that it was Kim Kardashian. Get it..her bum). It was actually a very sexy pic. So he told me he looked at it today. He said those were his favorite panties that I wore in the pic. He then looked at the ones I had on tonight and said he liked those too. I like to wear cute boy shorts at night after I shower with a cute tank. It tends to show off my bum and nice legs. So you know the rest of the story...


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