# Marriage Endangered - What now?



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Not sure where to start. 15 years of marriage, 2 children, an almost live-in mother-in-law, and a life full of rocks and roller coasters. My wife and I have been through so much turmoil and troubles, filled w/unexplainable occurrences, outrageous circumstances, challenges, etc. - you'd think we would find comfort in the fact that we've been through it all together, yet she's pushing me away more and more each day. I think life's circumstances is making her reject me, for I am the eternal scapegoat and blame for all these things when she gets angry. Most couple argue, go to their corners, cool down, and forgive and go on, but she goes to extremes. 
I'm far from perfect, but I've learned to back down, ignore, let things pass, in hopes that things will pass quickly back to normalcy. Complicate that with an absolute 100% involved ad-nauseum MIL. She is my wife's personal cheering squad, enabler, gasoline on the fire, and quick to believe all her lies and exaggerations. My wife can tell her its dark out when the sun is shining, and so it must be so. I can't count how many times she is on the phone to complain to her and in person about this and that about me - from the littlest bs 
Previously, things cooled down quickly when the MIL was not around. Life's requirements for my family obligations to help her, and of course the kids thankfully takes precedence when a fruitless, ridiculous argument takes hold. When she gets angry, she sees red like and stubborn as bull. Get out of her way. She has argued relentlessly too often within hearing distance of my kids. My boy is 5 handfuls of children and oppositional. That in itself makes our existence tough. It's gotten to the point where I am pulling my hair out. I love my wife, still and would do anything to make it work. I adore my kids, and they adore me. She is very hurtful to me, and leaves me in tears at night.
I have to tell her already for the sake of the kids, more than you hate me not to fight with me.
I have been there constantly for my wife. She recently had an unexplained condition, and lost count of the # of doctors I took her too. I hold her hand, hug her and tell her that it will be ok.
For the record, I get the kids ready for school, HW, do dishes, fix the house, do laundry, etc. etc. etc. 
Oh, and of course I work. Life is so stressful that it begins to interfere w/my ability to do so, and feel that I am less than a functioning human being. Not to mention how cold and cruel the things that she and her mom say to me. It could fill up chapters here, but however bad you can imagine, its worse. I have to close the door and turn the radio up, so I can drown out the conversation

Whatever she asks me to do, I do. She is like a chamelian (sp?) how she turns on me -especially when mama's in the house. We are a small nuclear family, w/no relations outside her mother. We recently lost a close loved one (considered my own), so you'd think why destroy the family we have left?
Yes, the MIL does help w/the kids, but at a terrible cost to my sanity and tranquility of marriage. I waver back and forth who is more to blame, my wife or the MIL. I can barely make a stand against the MIL, or my wife will attack. It then becomes a tag-team event. Constant vilification, insults, criticism. I know this has affected the kids, as reflected in their behavior. She won't listen to reason. I've even tried to reason with you would think a "mature" MIL, but its no use. She hates me more than my wife. Irony is, she is a divorced mom herself and doesn't have a relation w/her own son. I do things for her, like a son, but she never appreciates it. Just mentioning it, don't really care on that.
Sometimes I think when things are fairly quiet (very rarely) my wife has an instinctual need to fill the void with chaos, scandal and arguments. I know she is tired and exhausted from our mutual stress, but yet incites these drawn out wars. I thought by now we'd see eye to eye, after facing everything together for so many years, and she'd mature by now. I'd even venture to say all this seems so surreal and unnatural. What does she really want from me? I'm a dedicated husband and active father. Why does she want to drive a wedge in this family. My kids would be devastated. I suggested marriage counseling, but she doesn't take it seriously.
I know what I'm going through is unfair, maybe even inhumane, yet I tolerate it day by day for the sake of my children. I can't imagine living w/o them. We have everything we need in life, except apparently that bond that's suppose to glue us together. OF course there's more, but I'll stop and ask everyone's thoughts. I don't know what to do anymore - the thought of leaving is untenable. I feel my family is at risk of falling apart. HELP! THX!


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I'm so sorry. See my recent thread for similar problems with my MIL. Thanks God she is not a live in my situation. That would probably push me past the breaking point. It sounds like no matter what you do you're going to be #2 to mommy. Again, I can relate. You need to have a serious heart to heart and let her know there will be more serious consequences if she continues minimizing your role as her husband. She didn't say "I do" to her mom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Doesn't sound like anything you can handle on your own.

You two need to be in Marriage Counseling, PRONTO! If your wife REFUSES to go to counseling, then go BY YOURSELF to Individual Counseling to learn how better to cope with this situation, what you can do alone to improve it (very little, I'm afraid...it takes TWO people to make a marriage work), how to set (and hold) meaningful boundaries with your W and with your MIL.

You need COUNSELING *NOW* before anything else.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Has your wife always been this way, Mann?

What you are describing is emotional abuse. Even though most information you'll find on emotional abuse is geared toward women, I would encourage you to read up on abuse dynamics and what you can do about them. You cannot break this cycle by "nicing" her out of it, and the abuse *will* escalate as time passes. You're going to have to set some boundaries and enforce them. 

To learn about signs of emotional abuse, please check out Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse. 

In order to stop it from happening, you MUST step out of your role of victim. You can do this by practicing the 180, learning to set and enforce boundaries (I'll be writing on this topic soon), and getting prepared to leave. Often leaving is the only way to shock a partner into recognizing what they're doing, or more accurately, into seeing that they MUST stop if they don't want to get hurt themselves.


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## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Thx for all your replies. I agree w/all of you. I am living in pain practically every day - hoping that each day goes without incident. Many times when the MIL is not there, the atmosphere is much better. I hardly even feel comfortable in my own house when she's around. My wife has no one to complain to, so she doesn't complain. When the signs of an impending outburst occur by the wife, I ignore it or change the subject, and it usually abates quickly. I'm tired, exhausted and getting old for this. Why should anyone have to walk around on eggshells everyday of their life. The sick irony is only when my kids act out, it takes the "heat" focus and attention off me for a while. Of course, when they're bad, it's bc they are like me, or its my genes etc. etc. 
Yes, I'm not blind, I am sadly aware that I am most likely in an emotionally abused spouse. I am the only male influence here as well, and the kids need a dad. Why would I be any better than my wife's dad who walked out of their life? I would love to get to a marriage counselor, but like you said, we BOTH have to get there. Her whole world is an isolated one, supported by her mother's twisted views of the "male" and the world. If only there was an older stronger and wise woman that could tell her what she's doing to me. Pls. keep writing, at least I can vent here....thanks


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## Repenting (Jan 7, 2013)

mannpieces said:


> I hardly even feel comfortable in my own house when she's around.


Explain to us again why you don't do something about this?



> If only there was an older stronger and wise woman that could tell her what she's doing to me.


Oh for chrissakes...show some backbone, man!


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## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

hi, sorry for the long delay in coming back here. It's been up and down, but relatively not explosive. The great equalizer here is our child who has been diagnosed w/depression & anxiety. The very night we returned from the dr., who told us our child is battling this, and fighting amongst us is the last thing our child needs, the Wife and the MIL blow-up into an hour tirade, w/child falling asleep in the room, about how if she just didn't marry my defective genepool, all would have been normal. Wife REFUSES to see what she has contributed to this. She tells me she wants me to leave, get out of her life, and go back to my mother (who I am estranged with and blames her for everything), and also told me to my face she hates me. However, anytime she needs me to take my child out, or starts up, or needs shopping, or to fix something, its my name "NAME", NAME" NAME she's always calling for help. And as for our relationship, she tells me she wants and needs sex, but never gives it, and besides with the MIL there 5 or 6/7 days really? On Valentine's day I bought her an expensive box of chocolates and lingerie. But anyway, I digress. The dr challenged her on some things, and well, nobody dare goes against her. Tonight she went as far as wishing me cancer and to die a slow death (my father died of cancer) - AND this was in front of her mother, of course silently smirking. 
Yeah, I AM WELL AWARE I am an abused husband (all taboo and shame aside), but I love my children more than my own life, and thoughts being without them is a no-starter As to REPENTING - as to why I don't do anything about it - see above about my kids. So I am scared that I will be even more punished if I give up and leave home. Isn't it obvious from the personalities I describe here? I AM THE ONLY MALE INFLUENCE in the kids' life, and they don't even allow me to "be" the man. Ok, I said it. I am stuck in a no-win situation. BTW, I exercised my control by ignoring the tag-team tirade for the last couple of days. Not a word. But I did tell my wife, just bc I kept quiet, doesn't mean its ok for her to abuse me. I need to keep it calm for the kids' sake. Yes it is toxic and no good. 
The issues with my kids is she "keeps" me around to bear the burden. As a good father, I make sure I am with my kids. They always jump on me and hug and kiss me. I started to cry putting one of my daughters' to sleep, and she hugged me and told me it will be alright - for a moment in her beautiful innocent eyes - I believed her. :-( Please help


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Sir,

It is time to tell your MIL that she is no longer welcome in your home until she can show you respect. Do not tolerate this any longer. If your wife cannot handle this she is welcome to go with her. I think that is a good place to start. If she will not leave phone the authorities. She has no right to be in your home. Then it is time to sit down and designate some boundaries with your wife. If you need a counselor to help you with this so be it the the troll has to go and stay away until she can exhibit a proper amount of respect in your home. If she cannot she has no right to be there.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

NOTHING will change until YOU, yes Y-O-U, change it.

1. Get to Individual Counseling NOW to learn to change this situation.
2. Tell your wife to shut the hell up! Quit worrying about the kids hearing it! You're so worried they're going to be traumatized...they ALREADY ARE! They have seen you verbally punched and kicked their ENTIRE LIVES. *This* is what you, wife and MIL are TEACHING THEM about 

how adults act
how spouses treat each other
how wives behave
how husbands behave
what a marriage is
If YOU don't get this under control, THIS IS THE EXACT SAME MARRIAGE each of your children will have. Every single one of them!

Find a counselor to help YOU get the balls to take you life back.
Find a counselor to help YOU stand up to the bullying x 2.
Find a counselor to help YOU define 'how' you need to parent your children (sons & daughters).

If YOU don't start showing them what a HEALTHY ADULT looks like, they ain't NEVER gonna see it! Not at your house.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

You have a couple of choices here... you can either get your testicles out of the freezer and strap them back on or you can end it.

I realize that you are staying for the children, but what kind of unholy mess of a marriage standard are you setting for them? Is it really a good thing that you are establishing this as normal? Do you want them to model their marriages on yours?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

mannpieces said:


> Thx for all your replies. I agree w/all of you. I am living in pain practically every day - hoping that each day goes without incident. Many times when the MIL is not there, the atmosphere is much better. I hardly even feel comfortable in my own house when she's around. My wife has no one to complain to, so she doesn't complain. When the signs of an impending outburst occur by the wife, I ignore it or change the subject, and it usually abates quickly. I'm tired, exhausted and getting old for this. Why should anyone have to walk around on eggshells everyday of their life. The sick irony is only when my kids act out, it takes the "heat" focus and attention off me for a while. Of course, when they're bad, it's bc they are like me, or its my genes etc. etc.
> Yes, I'm not blind, I am sadly aware that I am most likely in an emotionally abused spouse. I am the only male influence here as well, and the kids need a dad. Why would I be any better than my wife's dad who walked out of their life? I would love to get to a marriage counselor, but like you said, we BOTH have to get there. Her whole world is an isolated one, supported by her mother's twisted views of the "male" and the world. If only there was an older stronger and wise woman that could tell her what she's doing to me. Pls. keep writing, at least I can vent here....thanks


Go to a marriage counselor ALONE. I did. I invited my husband to come along & he refused...& while you are at it, get yourself to a counselor for you.

Your wife may have BPD, bipolar or some other untreated mental illness. You need professional help to see what you are up against.

Do it for your children if not for yourself. They are silently begging for you to stop the madness.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> NOTHING will change until YOU, yes Y-O-U, change it.
> 
> 1. Get to Individual Counseling NOW to learn to change this situation.
> 2. Tell your wife to shut the hell up! Quit worrying about the kids hearing it! You're so worried they're going to be traumatized...they ALREADY ARE! They have seen you verbally punched and kicked their ENTIRE LIVES. *This* is what you, wife and MIL are TEACHING THEM about
> ...


THIS!! A thousand times, this! 

She is the unstable, abusive one here, get to a lawyer and get her out of your house WITHOUT YOUR KIDS, file for custody. Its time to stand up for yourself and your kids! GET ANGRY! GET FED UP! STOP letting her and her rotten mother do this to you!


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

mannpieces said:


> hi, sorry for the long delay in coming back here. It's been up and down, but relatively not explosive. The great equalizer here is our child who has been diagnosed w/depression & anxiety. The very night we returned from the dr., who told us our child is battling this, and fighting amongst us is the last thing our child needs, the Wife and the MIL blow-up into an hour tirade, This is incredibly disturbing. w/child falling asleep in the room, about how if she just didn't marry my defective genepool, all would have been normal.
> 
> Wife REFUSES to see what she has contributed to this. Then there is no reason to think things will change.She tells me she wants me to leave, get out of her life, This may very well be the best thing you could do, for your own sake as well as your children's. and go back to my mother (who I am estranged with and blames her for everything), and also told me to my face she hates me. . Why do you tolerate this behavior? Do you really want your children to live this way? To teach them this is how you treat a man?
> 
> ...


 You must take the first step, by helping yourself first. Please consider individual counseling, please get a VAR and keep it on your person at all times to protect yourself. Please see an attorney, find out your rights and what you can expect in a divorce. You have the power to improve your life, and your children's lives. Please don't let them grow up thinking this is normal. Perhaps if you leave the marriage your wife will wake up and seek help, doubtful but we can always hope.


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