# I love my wife so much but



## don'tknow (Jan 4, 2012)

Hi ,I just need someone to tell me why. We have been married 27 years now and I am still so much in love with my wife but she just does not want me near her.She has been suffering depression for a few years now and Im not sure if that is what is causing the problem or if it's me.We still sleep in the same bed but she tries to sleep as far away as possible,only had sex twice in the past 12 months with a 12 month break inbetween.She goes off to bed early so we kind of watch tv in different rooms. She is the world to me and I can't understand why I am being rejected.She assures me that there is no one else and I do believe her but sometimes my head tells me different.When I ask her what is wrong she says she does not know.Is it me? Don't know.What can I do?Don't know.I love her and can't live without her but it hurts so much being rejected by the one I love.To sleep with someone who is your world but you are unable to touch them is so hard to live with.
I don't know what I want out of this forum,maybe just someone to talk to.My best mate who I used to pour my heart out to died last year so I'm kind of lost and feel very much alone.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Feel free to come here. You dont give too much information about youreself your wife your kids etc. How long this is going on for. How was it before. I would suggest separate beds for a start. In other words give her some space. You cant carry on like that you are ruining your life and you have to be prepared for change. You must have some idea whats wrong. It must have started somehow. What are your finances like if you separate or divorce. You have to start thinking of that. Its no use loving a person whom you cant have sex with. Youre not alone here, you have many suffering the same problem, men and women. Are you both working. If you look at other threads you will see the information usually one needs to give.


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## don'tknow (Jan 4, 2012)

A bit of background. We have been married for 27 years and have 3 grown up children.We both work ,me I work away quite a bit and have done so for 23 years working overseas a month at a time and a month home.We live in a biggish house that needs a lot of work done to it but work has been scarce the last 3 years so money all run out and nothing to spare to finish the renovations.Money is playing a big part in the stress levels especially with my wife.I now have a more perminent job away again and think it may be time to sell up and move into something smaller.Hopefully the money cituation will help. I know she needs soace but Im away for 28 days surely thats enough space. I can be very aggresive but would never hurt any of my family and have taken steps to curb my anger by seeing a specialist.All this on top of loosing her father has driven her to the depths of dispare.To see her in this state of depression really hurts. I just wish I could bring the smile back to her face.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

What do you children say being grown up they must have something to say. Do they still live at home. Or is your wife all alone without you. You perhaps never read my post properly but you dont say why this started or how long. Its unlikely to be because of anyone like her father but because of you. Why dont you sell the large house and move into something smaller. A change of scenery can help. You havent at all mentioned what her excuses are.


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## don'tknow (Jan 4, 2012)

Two of our kids still stay at home and another is away.The youngest also has depression and sometimes helps but other times it's as if she is trying to drive a wedge between me and her mother.We have lived in this house for 15 years and it will be hard to leave but I think you are correct in saying it's time to move to something smaller.Things have been good and bad with us for years not any different from any other marrage. This cituation got worse with the depression that started with her loosing her father.When I ask her what is wrong I usually get " I don't know".I asked her if she misses sex and she doesn't.I have put on a lot of weight over the last couple of years and kind of let myself go so maybe time to shake off the weight and get back into shape.I get worse withy age but she just blossoms.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Thanks 
Would she mind if you left or got divorced. I dont believe in staying in a sexless marriage just for the older kids.
If you dont think she will change. You have to do something.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Reconnect with your wife. You both are emotionally/physically disconnected at this moment. Find out what her needs are, affection, communication, help around the house, maybe take her out, buy her flowers, ect.. You guys are living as roommates, but I think most marriages go through this at one point or another. We did and I woke up and realized my hubby has always met and was meeting my needs and I wasn't meeting his. My husband is always so kind and does everything for me! It was time I repay him. Now we are reconnected and life is good! We spend time every night snuggling with each other, holding hands, talking. He actively listens to me when I talk to him, looks me in the eyes and responds at the right time. I wish my hubby would of talked to me instead of me trying to figure out why we were living as roommates for a while. He would go downstairs on his computer while I stayed upstairs on my iPod touch. That has all changed now. The sex is fabulous now too! However, my drive kicked in and that seems to help. 

Find out how to reconnect. Do nice things for her without her asking. There is always marriage counseling too. Your wife has no idea how important sex and affection are to you unless you tell her. Communication is so important. However, your wife may have gone through menopause. I've not reached that point, but I've read once it hits, your libido goes down the drain. I'm not looking forward to those years. 

Good luck! You may need marriage counseling to figure out how to reconnect with your wife. She may not even realize what is going on and how you feel. You might want to have a gentle talk with her about your needs, maybe you both can meet in the middle somewhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the book "His Needs Her Needs" this shows couples how to reconnect.

Is she being treated for depression?


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Get your health back! Losing the weight will make you more attractive and will help your state of mind too.


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## don'tknow (Jan 4, 2012)

Thanks for the replies they have helped no end.Computer and not listening thats me and has been for some time.Weight loss is deffo on the cards.I'minlovewithmyhubby and ImSoMuchInLoveWithMyWife and it's time I took charge and got off my a*se and do something for us both.


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## Noel1987 (Jan 2, 2012)

Dont worry buddy you can share here, i know its very hard for you at this time time but have you tried to talk to her about the things going on or is there something in her mind? Don't hesitate and be positive to all things


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The good news is there is a lot you can do to improve your life and that of your family. I think you already know what they are - getting in shape, losing weight, selling the house. A couple of other things that have been suggested like reading books to get a handle on how relationships work. 

You mentioned two other things, a history of aggression and working away. There is not much you can do about the job situation given this economy but the agression, how have you resolved that. Are you certain that your wife does not harbor any residual resentment? 

When you are home try to spend as much time together as possible. Do things together and relax close together. Let her get used to your casual touches periodically during the day. Touch her hand briefly, guide her by touching her waist when you are walking with her etc. best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Good advice so far.

No one's mentioned it so I will, how do you know your wife isn't involved in an EA or PA? Don't just take her word for it, no cheater will just admit to it. Have you done any snooping?

Is she using her computer or phone alot? Protective of it? Going out with friends? Have you checked her phone records for excessive calls or texts? Her Facebook/email account for messages?

It's one thing to feel distanced from your spouse, that's the sign something isn't right. When she actively tries to distance herself, that is when I'd get really worried.

My wife fell into depression after her father died. She was really sad (more than usual) for almost a year. Me being an idiot thought it would just go away on its own. The depression was the catalyst for her to start an EA on facebook/text and that lead to her having a PA a month later. At that point, she wouldn't let me touch her, and started hiding her body from me.

Not saying your wife is cheating, but extended depression is a good way to start. If your wife isn't cheating now, she is definitely in the place that leads to it. All it takes is someone to show interest in her, make her feel alive again, and she's going to be addicted to it.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Got to try to lose the weight. I would try to lose 20 pounds, work out at a gym, and then turn her down for the next month as a matter of principle. 



don'tknow said:


> Two of our kids still stay at home and another is away.The youngest also has depression and sometimes helps but other times it's as if she is trying to drive a wedge between me and her mother.We have lived in this house for 15 years and it will be hard to leave but I think you are correct in saying it's time to move to something smaller.Things have been good and bad with us for years not any different from any other marrage. This cituation got worse with the depression that started with her loosing her father.When I ask her what is wrong I usually get " I don't know".I asked her if she misses sex and she doesn't.I have put on a lot of weight over the last couple of years and kind of let myself go so maybe time to shake off the weight and get back into shape.I get worse withy age but she just blossoms.


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## don'tknow (Jan 4, 2012)

COguy said:


> Good advice so far.
> 
> No one's mentioned it so I will, how do you know your wife isn't involved in an EA or PA? Don't just take her word for it, no cheater will just admit to it. Have you done any snooping?
> 
> ...


I see where your coming from COguy but I doubt this is the case.I am very well known in my area and anyone who wants an afair with my wife has to think first is it worth the hassle as I do have quite a rep.Snooping is something I'll try just to set my mind at rest.my wife does not have much time to conduct a PA or EA as she works and when not at work she is home.Sometimes she visits friends but not often.As for what am I doing regards my aggression I have been seeing a specialist and things are much better as I kind of stay clear of trouble.Back to the PA thing.She does not like me touching her at all let alone hold her hand and yes she never is undressed in my presence.I hope the main factor is money and living in this house so I will have to try and get the place sorted and maybe on the market.The only thing is she will not move into a smaller place with me as she does need her own space.One other factor is my 20 year old daughter who seems to play up and cause all sorts of trouble with me when she sees things are bad with us.Last night she had a tantrum ,started her usual shouting at me and throwing things.My wife was in tears and in a bad way the rest of the night.I just wanted to cuddle her but that just would repulse her.I just had to go sit in the kitchen away from my daughter just to keep the peace.Oh and of course when I am away my daughter is just the perfect angel.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

don'tknow said:


> I see where your coming from COguy but I doubt this is the case.I am very well known in my area and anyone who wants an afair with my wife has to think first is it worth the hassle as I do have quite a rep.Snooping is something I'll try just to set my mind at rest.my wife does not have much time to conduct a PA or EA as she works and when not at work she is home.Sometimes she visits friends but not often.As for what am I doing regards my aggression I have been seeing a specialist and things are much better as I kind of stay clear of trouble.Back to the PA thing.She does not like me touching her at all let alone hold her hand and yes she never is undressed in my presence.I hope the main factor is money and living in this house so I will have to try and get the place sorted and maybe on the market.The only thing is she will not move into a smaller place with me as she does need her own space.One other factor is my 20 year old daughter who seems to play up and cause all sorts of trouble with me when she sees things are bad with us.Last night she had a tantrum ,started her usual shouting at me and throwing things.My wife was in tears and in a bad way the rest of the night.I just wanted to cuddle her but that just would repulse her.I just had to go sit in the kitchen away from my daughter just to keep the peace.Oh and of course when I am away my daughter is just the perfect angel.


Not to be rude but you have the typical response of someone in denial. I was the same way, "There's no way my wife is doing that. No way she could do that." Read some of the stories on the infidelity forum. People are capable of crazy things. Stay at home mom's turning lesbian, people having sex at work, sex at church on sundays, infidelity with best friends or family members (even brothers/sisters in law). With the internet, you can be having an EA for years and never leave the house.

A lot of red flags in your post, especially your last one. You need to be snooping. Trust us when the people that have dealt with infidelity give advice on it. There's very similar patterns that cheating spouses go through, and your wife is following them quite closely. Even if nothing is happening, she's at the place where she would cheat.

Look at it from a different perspective. For 2 years you've been roommates. There is no emotional connection with you. You sleep in different rooms, don't spend any time together at home. No sex life... How easy would it be for someone, anyone, to show your wife some affection, some excitement, and have that completely enthrall her? Why would your wife be repulsed by touching you or hide herself from you unless she was reserving that part of herself for someone else? Even if it's not physical, she most likely has a place in her heart for someone else.

Or to put it another way, if some woman started making you feel wanted, excited, interested in you emotionally and sexually, don't you think that would be really enticing after a 2 year stint of no sex no passion no love?


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## don'tknow (Jan 4, 2012)

I'm not in denial I know she is not seeing anyone else.If she is not working she won't go out ,she hates shops or any other public place.There is no way anything can be going on at work as her job is in care and always someone in the house of work with her.I'll just have to give her some space and time.While all that is happening I have to get myself sorted and loose a few stone. With the lack of work the past couple of years we may have spent too much time together.Time will tell.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You might want to read what Marduk came up with:




Originally Posted by marduk 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything! 

__________________


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

don'tknow said:


> Hi ,I just need someone to tell me why. We have been married 27 years now and I am still so much in love with my wife but she just does not want me near her.She has been suffering depression for a few years now and Im not sure if that is what is causing the problem or if it's me.We still sleep in the same bed but she tries to sleep as far away as possible,only had sex twice in the past 12 months with a 12 month break inbetween.She goes off to bed early so we kind of watch tv in different rooms. She is the world to me and I can't understand why I am being rejected.She assures me that there is no one else and I do believe her but sometimes my head tells me different.When I ask her what is wrong she says she does not know.Is it me? Don't know.What can I do?Don't know.I love her and can't live without her but it hurts so much being rejected by the one I love.To sleep with someone who is your world but you are unable to touch them is so hard to live with.
> I don't know what I want out of this forum,maybe just someone to talk to.My best mate who I used to pour my heart out to died last year so I'm kind of lost and feel very much alone.


I may be asking the obvious but have you directly expressed any of your wishes or feelings to your wife? Left to herself, my wife would sleep as far away from me as she could while still being in the same bed. But when I directly ask her to move closer, she tries to work with me and that is probably as much as I can expect


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## don'tknow (Jan 4, 2012)

COguy said:


> Good advice so far.
> 
> No one's mentioned it so I will, how do you know your wife isn't involved in an EA or PA? Don't just take her word for it, no cheater will just admit to it. Have you done any snooping?
> 
> ...


I decided this morning to put all this to her.She went mad at the thought of me talking on here about our marrage and now I think she has left me.Thanks for all the help peeps but it seems it is all down to me.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

don'tknow said:


> I decided this morning to put all this to her.She went mad at the thought of me talking on here about our marrage and now I think she has left me.Thanks for all the help peeps but it seems it is all down to me.


Yeah no sh*t she's mad. You confronted her that she's acting suspicious. Google Gaslighting. It's a technique often used wherein your cheating spouse makes YOU feel crazy for being suspicious. Often it ends with them accusing you of cheating.

Hope you don't back down and take that. You're getting help and advice from people to SAVE your marriage. She would leave you over that?

More and more convinced she's cheating...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

COguy said:


> Yeah no sh*t she's mad. You confronted her that she's acting suspicious. Google Gaslighting. It's a technique often used wherein your cheating spouse makes YOU feel crazy for being suspicious. Often it ends with them accusing you of cheating.
> 
> Hope you don't back down and take that. You're getting help and advice from people to SAVE your marriage. She would leave you over that?
> 
> More and more convinced she's cheating...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Looks like she is definitly up to something or she wouldn't have over reacted so badly. You really need to check out who she's been emailing, texting and phoning.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

This might not seem like an emotional thing to you, but as a Doctor I have one thing to say, 27 years of marriage means she must be nearing her menopause. It's a very fluctuating phase for the ladies. There might not be any issue other than Predictable boring life. The problems you mentioned most importantly indicate that she is in the menopausal state and like you said, suffering depression.
Please don't be sad. Take care of her. Things shall be fine soon.
Give her a mood lift, like everyone said change a few things about yourself. Make her fall in love with you again.
Perhaps I'm the youngest one here, but sometimes an opinion does count right


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