# 2nd Marriage, 2nd Apparent Spouse Affair



## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

I'm writing this in hopes of some good advice and for my sanity. For a brief summary, my W and I have been married for almost 7 years, and have been together for almost 8 years. We have two sons (8 yr old is her son/my stepson, and 6 yr old). Up until a couple weeks ago, I thought our relationship was really good. We have never had any real conflicts (financially stable and have good job stability). We're both in the military, and I'm currently deployed on the other side of the world and have been away from home the past 7 months. My W has had to deal with the entire household pretty much by herself and raising our sons. We rarely argue, and when we do it's usually about our sons and regarding our parenting skills (I'll detail later if necessary). Anyways, a week and a half ago I noticed that my W was not acting normal (meaning not communicating as she normally did, with the usual I love you and miss you so much, etc). When I asked her what was wrong, she opened up and told me that was wasn't happy (which was a big shock to me, because up until that point, she had always been telling me how great of a husband and dad I am, and she'd tell me she brags to he co-workers about me too). I asked her why she wasn't happy, and she described how we both needed to be better parents and needing to be there more for our kids, how I don't do the same things I use to do for her, and she wasn't sure if things would ever be the same. She concluded with she loved me, wanted to work things out when I got home, and she's not going anywhere. She also stated no matter what happened, she wanted us both to be there for our kids. I agreed to everything she said, and agreed as well to her saying she wanted to fight for me and she wanted me to fight for her. I broke down and cried, but told her I wouldn't make any more excuses, and would do everything I could to make changes. After that, we went back to our normal conversations and treating one another pretty much the same. 
As I said, this happened about 2 weeks ago. Starting this past weekend, I was suddenly told she was going to travel out of town (this weekend) and was going to have her friend watch the boys for her. After talking with her about it, I convinced my parents to pick the boys up from her and stay with them for not only the weekend but a whole week even before she would be out of town (to go to a business class is what I was told, and she provided details about it to make me not worry about not having told me about it before). So this past Monday the boys were picked up by my parents, and the W made plans to clean the house and keep busy while the boys were out. So even up until that point, we were still talking as we normally do and nothing seemed out of place. After getting off work on Wednesday, I call to talk to her. No answer......so I'm look cool, she had plans to clean and stuff, I'll call again later. Called again around her bedtime...still no answer. By this time, I'm getting worried (there had never been a day that my W and I have gone without talking to each other). So the next morning, I get a text from her saying sorry, missed your phone call....just needed the night off to forget everything. I'm like cool, I can understand that. Told her I was worried....no acknowledgement but responded with a random thought. I'm like okay....we exchange several other texts that seemed normal to me (this is while we're both at work, btw). When I got off work, I again tried to call my W.....no response again. I'm like wtf.....called several more times through the night....no answer. At this point I'm like whatever, and try to sleep (didn't work). By the next morning, it's Thursday (the day before she's supposed to leave town)....hadn't talked to her in two days over the phone or video chat (our normal, daily stuff). I try not to think about what might be going on, but it's got the better of me. Even then I played it off as her "needing the night off to forget everything". Today is Friday....still haven't heard from her other than "made it to town fine" text, and she hasn't contacted our sons in those three days either. At this point I'm freaking out....so I come up with the idea to check our cell phone logs (hers and mine are tied together under my contract). I noticed many, many, long timed phone calls placed to a guy whom we both know, but lives several states away. Now I'm really freaking out....doesn't look good. I also see she made a couple phone calls to an airline....the day before she is supposed to go out of town. Now I lose it. I called this guy's number and of course he doesn't answer, but I leave a voicemail on it saying for the sake of our children, he's interferring with my marriage and he should back off and let me and the W figure things out...after that, whatever. I then called her phone, and again no answer....but I leave a voicemail saying she should call me back so we can talk things out...I even tell her I will remain as calm as possible and will listen to what she has to say. Needless to say, she has not contacted me.
I've been through an affair from my previous marriage, so I kinda can keep myself calm enough not to do anything stupid. But I am having a hard time coming to terms with the very apparent possibility that I will have to deal with another one. If you would have asked me a month ago if I thought this would happen, I would have bet a million bucks "hell no" (if I had a million bucks). Now, especially with being deployed and not being able to directly deal with the situation, I don't know what to do. Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ST,

Remain calm...

You are in a tough situation since you are located overseas.

Trust your gut because I think you are right that your wife is up to something. 

Do not get angry or make any threats to her or the other OM that will get you in any trouble. Cince your parents have the kids let them know what you think is going on with your wife, where she is and what she is up to so you have their support in taking care of the kids.

I will pm a buddy that is active military stateside and see if he can give you more advice.

Stay calm and let us know if you hear from your wife or the buddy she might be with.

Stay strong, calm and watch your back.

HM64


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Are there official military steps you can take? I recall my FIL telling me that in the Royal Marines they have Welfare Officers who can help with this kind of situation, so as I'm guessing you are in the US Military that there'd be the same service? Maybe a padre/chaplain, too, perhaps?


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

There's not a whole lot I can do since the OM is not in the military. And if I were even to hurt her career, it would affect our children. There are mental health physicians available, and the W said she has been seeing one since January......I am pretty much in self-preservation mode right now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> There's not a whole lot I can do since the OM is not in the military. And if I were even to hurt her career, it would affect our children. There are mental health physicians available, and the W said she has been seeing one since January......I am pretty much in self-preservation mode right now.


I was thinking about what they could do for you, explaining options, compassionate leave, if possible, etc.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Happyman64.....I got a response back just a few minutes ago from WW.....she said she will call tomorrow but right now she's "enjoying her own time", is what she said. I can't believe what's going on right now, because like I said I would have bet that this wouldn't happen to us....now I'm in self-preservation mode and feel that I have to do everything in the best interest for myself and the kids. But even then, I feel pretty helpless....


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I was thinking about what they could do for you, explaining options, compassionate leave, if possible, etc.


I talked to a counselor on Friday (before I check on the phone records), and was told there's not a whole lot I can do. What I do have is regular leave to go home in about 3 weeks.....about 5 weeks too late. I'm trying to stay calm and be strong for my kids.....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Does she know what you know? I think she doesn't know what you know yet, hence her response about needing her time.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Let her have her fun, she'll be dumped in no time but don't be her backup plan. 

Just wait it out, as hard as it is. Consult a lawyer to get an idea what you need to do and what will happen.

Are you sharing joint bank accounts and credit cards?


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

I don't think she knows what I know....although she is really smart, so there's the chance she has put 2 and 2 together. I don't know if she's in some MLC fog or what....I honestly am having a hard time thinking right now. I'm starting to read No More Mr. Nice Guy, and also purchased MMSL. I think those will have good information for a future relationship.....but since I'm stuck in the here and now, I can only think upon missed chances and what could be going on right now, behind my back.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

keko said:


> Let her have her fun, she'll be dumped in no time but don't be her backup plan.
> 
> Just wait it out, as hard as it is. Consult a lawyer to get an idea what you need to do and what will happen.
> 
> Are you sharing joint bank accounts and credit cards?


I really feel what you're saying is the best bet.....I am having a hard time with being gone for almost 8 months and then coming home to this....I'm trying to be strong for my boys. I will definitely consult a lawyer too....I know right now I'm not thinking the clearest. We have joint bank accounts.....I will fix that first thing Monday.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> I really feel what you're saying is the best bet.....I am having a hard time with being gone for almost 8 months and then coming home to this.....


Let's say you forgive her, can you leave again trusting her? I doubt it. Also while you're risking your life oversea's she's b***ing another man, it shows she's not wife material let alone fit to be a mother.



> I'm trying to be strong for my boys. I will definitely consult a lawyer too....I know right now I'm not thinking the clearest. We have joint bank accounts.....I will fix that first thing Monday.


Just to remind you, don't tell her what you will be doing just do it. 

Do you have valuable items in the house? You might want to have them taken out and placed in a storage unit since she is away.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

What a lousy place to be in, I'm really sorry man.

You know what's going on, we've all been there; even you in your previous marriage. By calling the other guy, you've at least tipped your hand a bit.

I would check her email, bank account info, or credit card online to search for that travel receipt. Between that and cell phone records I think you'll have plenty of evidence.

At that point, I guess I'd confront her. Then expose the affair far and wide. Then see what happens.

Good luck and do your best to keep your head on straight.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Also from now on let her do the calling and dont pick up the phone. Let her send emails/texts or leave voicemails, this way you have a proof of what she is saying/writing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

thanks for your service and sorry your here.
So it sounds like you are going to be on top of protecting your self finacially. Now contact your parent and inform them and expose the OM to them. This may help in keeping them away from OM. I suggest for now you lean on your folks as much as you can for support. 
Your folks are your best life line right now and at the very least can prvent the kids from being around any unhealthy infuences that may involve your WW "time alone".
If you and your folks can come up with a plan to protect the kids from what appears to be some unhealthy behaviors.

Its my experience that often a waywards choices seem to snow ball, as the OM is far away there is no telling what your WW will do to ease her guilt and what she may start drinking or taking to eraes the pain away from what she has done.

In short your WW is not the same person she was weeks ago and the choice my have an adverse effect on how she behaves from here on out. So get some support from your parent and ask them to please get involved and do what they can to keep an eye out for any neglect they may occure do do her guilt, depression and state of mind she now is in.

Take this as a warning, I would hate to see your WW snowball in to a self distructive behavior due to her bad discision she has just made, and the effect it could have on the kids.

So please at the very least get some support in having someone validate or deny the possiblity of your WW going down any dark roads that will effect the kids. You may not beable to stop your wife from drinking her guilt away, but you do have a say in the welfare of the kids.

It was my experience that when my fWW was running around my kids were with and in some dangerous places, especially the early morning drinking my fWW was involved with.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

keko said:


> Let's say you forgive her, can you leave again trusting her? I doubt it. Also while you're risking your life oversea's she's b***ing another man, it shows she's not wife material let alone fit to be a mother.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If there is an EA/PA going on, I don't think I could every trust her again. For this to be going on behind my back and her acting like everything was back to normal, and lying to my kids, my parent and me is just too much. I don't know what to do about my kids, as far as them being with her.

I'll be sure to not to tip my hand to her anymore....just do what I know needs to be done.

I have some firearms and pretty expensive electronics in the house....other than that, nothing terribly valuable. When I go home in 3 weeks, I'll be sure to take care of my stuff.  I appreciate the advice!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Can you get text messages from your phone company? Through their website or customer service.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Would it be worth it to have a friend drive by and see if her car is there and if a new car is there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

baldmale said:


> What a lousy place to be in, I'm really sorry man.
> 
> You know what's going on, we've all been there; even you in your previous marriage. By calling the other guy, you've at least tipped your hand a bit.
> 
> ...


Yeah, calling the OM probably wasn't my smartest move.....I guess I just wanted any response back from someone that knows what's going on.

I don't have access to her email, but I do have the cell phone and some bank info as evidence....will keep that handy.

She said she will call me tomorrow to talk, but she's enjoying her own time (her words). 

If there an EA/PA going on, would telling everyone about it ruin/hurt any chance of reconciliation later on? From my experience, doing things like airing out personal information like that would only push her further away.

I appreciate your advice and wishing me luck....I'm gonna need it. I'm trying to stay calm and not doing anything dumb, for me and my kids' sake.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> thanks for your service and sorry your here.
> So it sounds like you are going to be on top of protecting your self finacially. Now contact your parent and inform them and expose the OM to them. This may help in keeping them away from OM. I suggest for now you lean on your folks as much as you can for support.
> Your folks are your best life line right now and at the very least can prvent the kids from being around any unhealthy infuences that may involve your WW "time alone".
> If you and your folks can come up with a plan to protect the kids from what appears to be some unhealthy behaviors.
> ...


Thanks for the advice. Although I haven't given all the info I have to my parents, they do understand what is probably going on. They are actually going to be seeing her tomorrow when she picks the kids up from them (she called and arranged it). I hope my parents are stronger than I....but I have a feeling they are going to have words with her.
My parents are very supportive of me, and said they will do anything they can to help. 
I can't legally do anything about the kids at this time, and it really sucks. Until there is absolute proof of an affair, or abuse to the kids, then she has every right to have them with her. I will do everything I can to talk with my kids and gauge how they are doing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ShockedTwice said:


> If there an EA/PA going on, would telling everyone about it ruin/hurt any chance of reconciliation later on? .


Actually it seems to help because having been strong and confident enough to act against the affair, you are a stronger more desirable person. Yes she is initially angry that something is hurting the affair, but after the affair is killed and she stops getting that rush from it and the fog clears she will view you with more respect than if you sat back in fear, which is what would be keeping you silent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

keko said:


> Can you get text messages from your phone company? Through their website or customer service.


I didn't think of that....I will see if that's possible.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Would it be worth it to have a friend drive by and see if her car is there and if a new car is there?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will speak to some friends back home and see if they can help out with this....she would park the car in the garage, but they would see if another car was there.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> Thanks for the advice. Although I haven't given all the info I have to my parents, they do understand what is probably going on. They are actually going to be seeing her tomorrow when she picks the kids up from them (she called and arranged it). I hope my parents are stronger than I....but I have a feeling they are going to have words with her.
> My parents are very supportive of me, and said they will do anything they can to help.
> I can't legally do anything about the kids at this time, and it really sucks. Until there is absolute proof of an affair, or abuse to the kids, then she has every right to have them with her. I will do everything I can to talk with my kids and gauge how they are doing.


Prior to her coming tell one of your parents or whoever else would be with them to watch how she reacts to the questions. Tell them to google signs of lying, if she gets defensive, changes subjects, tells the OM is just a friend, etc. These will be more telling then what she will ever admit.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Go dark on her. She is jerking you around. Insightful, eh? 
I am sorry that I have no more sophisticated advice. But, the truth is she is cheating, remaining unavailable to you and your communications, and treating you horribly. 
SHe deserves a divorce and your disdain.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

keko said:


> Prior to her coming tell one of your parents or whoever else would be with them to watch how she reacts to the questions. Tell them to google signs of lying, if she gets defensive, changes subjects, tells the OM is just a friend, etc. These will be more telling then what she will ever admit.


Yeah, they said they will watch her closely and let me know what they think. I don't think she'll have the OM with her.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Go dark on her. She is jerking you around. Insightful, eh?
> I am sorry that I have no more sophisticated advice. But, the truth is she is cheating, remaining unavailable to you and your communications, and treating you horribly.
> SHe deserves a divorce and your disdain.


I think you're right....I'm not gonna be there for her anymore. Unfortunately, I can't stop communicating with her because I want to talk to my kids and make sure they're okay.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

keko said:


> Wasn't the OM in a different state?


Yeah, he lives in Georgia. I think she bought or he bought plane tickets for him to fly to her in Texas for this weekend. At this point I'm guessing he'll fly back tomorrow, but who knows.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Can you hire a private investigator ASAP? Adultery might make a big difference in divorce settlement if you can prove it.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

keko said:


> Can you hire a private investigator ASAP? Adultery might make a big difference in divorce settlement if you can prove it.


I am seriously considering it. I know it'll be expensive, but my family is worth it, my life is worth it. They have several PI companies back home...I will contact them and see what they can provide.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

If and when she calls me tomorrow, I am not sure what I'm going to say to her. I want to demand answers, and get the truth out of her. I don't think it would wise to go off on her, or make threats. I do believe if I remain as calm as possible and get her to tell me the truth, we might be able to keep the kids happy and figure things out. What would y'all say to her?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Expecting a 'cheater' to tell the truth is like expecting to win the lottery.

I would tell her "you have one and only one chance to tell the truth, Im listening.."

Can you record that phone call?


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

keko said:


> Expecting a 'cheater' to tell the truth is like expecting to win the lottery.
> 
> I would tell her "you have one and only one chance to tell the truth, Im listening.."
> 
> Can you record that phone call?


Yeah, I'm not expecting much from her....I believe the lies and whatever else will continue.

I can't think of a way to record the call.....my phone does not have a speakerphone. I will try to figure something out....


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is it a smart phone? If so look into apps that record calls.

If not try a digital voice recorders, such as Olympus - Digital Voice Recorder - VN-7200 recorder&cp=1&lp=3


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Sorry if I missed this--what was the deal with the affair in the previous marriage? Just curious.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

keko said:


> Is it a smart phone? If so look into apps that record calls.
> 
> If not try a digital voice recorders, such as Olympus - Digital Voice Recorder - VN-7200 recorder&cp=1&lp=3


It's a regular cordless phone...doesn't have any audio jacks or speakerphone.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Sorry if I missed this--what was the deal with the affair in the previous marriage? Just curious.


Same situation for the most part, although I worked at night and slept during the day. One of my friends became the OM while him and his W were hanging out with me and the ex W. I have twin daughters from that marriage, so I know what's coming down the road and just want to make sure I try to do everything I can to protect and be there for my children. Needless to say, after I found out about the PA, I quickly divorced the ex W and the W of the OM did the same. I guess it was fate, because they married 3 weeks after the divorce as finalized, and are still together. That was almost 9 years ago.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I have 38 years in the military. I was deployed in 2008 through 2009. There is not much you can do. I would try to remain as calm as possible. You can ask questions and try to get her to tell you stuff but you already know what is going on. Can you afford a P.I.? If so hire one. Get yourself some help dealing with this. I was a Master Sergeant, chaplain assistant with an advance degree and I dealt with many soldiers who were going through the same thing. We kicked in a door of one soldier who found out his wife was cheating on him and she was watching him on Skype with the barrel of his M-4 in his mouth. Fortunately she was able to email one of his buddies in Iraq who notified us. Don't go there. Seriously, don't think of killing yourself over this. This will eat you up being so far away and not being able to do much about it. Find a chaplain, a mental health officer, a trusted buddy or buddies to talk it out with and do it frequently. Go to JAG and see what options you have. Think about what you want to do when you get home. In the mean time gather as much information as possible. Don't show your hand to your wife. Prepare yourself for the worse when you get home unless she tells you prior to this.

And by God focus on the mission. It is hell being where you are and this will distract you and it will take all the military bearing and discipline you can muster to keep your head clear.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I had to deal with this situation when I ran over 11 Action centers across our state while we had units deployed and I was the supervisor of these centers that took care of families while their loved ones were deployed. i had one wife move in with her uncle and started to have sex and she did not hide it (yes her uncle). There was nothing we could do about it. The soldier had to keep sending her money (by regulation) and he wanted to cut her off.

You will have time when you get home to figure it out but right now focus on your mission and be as nice to your wife as possible. You can't control her you can only control yourself.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You can bet the POSOM told your wife you called. Yet she felt so safe, she never called you. Instead, she sent a " enjoying myself " What does that tell you ?? Don't call her, let her call. She know you know something, so if she don't mention it, you don't either. Go dark on the subject. Let her worry now. You already said if she did it you can't trust her anymore. So forget R. I'm sure she know of your 1st, so she must feel she has a better hold on you to do this. I have never flown, but it is my understanding, that since 911, you can't pay cash for tickets anymore. So there should be a trail of the withdrawl if she sent the money to him. or purchased a ticket for herself. What you can do is have your parents get the PI on her. That way she won't see the expense on the records. What you really have to do now is go into survival mode, that means concentrating on the mission over there now. Sometimes I don't know if its a curse or a blessing how I go south pole cold when distressed, but this is what you need now. Thank you for your service, and GOD BLESS YOU !!!


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