# Very lonely and in need of advice



## EmmaElla (Feb 15, 2017)

Hi everyone, I would appreciate some advice or perspective on this situation. English is not my first language, so i will try my best to be as clear as possible and to keep it somewhat short 

I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for one year. We have a child together, a one year old. A little bit of background information first- We were in a long distance relationship for 4 years. During this time we used to see each other at least twice a year for 2-3 weeks. During the weeks we spent together, our sex life was not the best. We would sex chat and have phone sex frequently. However, when we used to see each other we would probably have sex about 2-3 times the entire time we spent together. I always thought that was odd, and I talked to my husband about it back then. In the end, i thought it was just the fact that he always wanted to take me out some place and we were always busy doing stuff, so there was not enough time spent home alone. I also blamed the distance and thought that maybe once together in the same place, it would be different. There is a lot more to be said, but i feel that this bit of information, paints a good picture so far.

Present time- My husband and I only have sex about once every 2-3 months. The longest we have gone without sex is 6 months. obviously this is an issue and it is something that we have discussed many, many, MANY times. I have talked to him in every way possible, at first I was very patient, understanding, I gave him space, I would initiate every time, I would try different things to get him motivated and never got better. His answer has always been that he loves me and he wants me and he is going to change and things are going to get better. And they do get better for a few days and then back to the same.

Another issue is that, when it does happens, there is no passion, no exciment , NOTHING! I have talked to him about what I like and don't like and it's like he doesn't even listen. I have offer to watch porn together in the hopes that he would learn something, I have suggested maybe reading a book or magazine, something!...Unfortunately , it's like I am talking to myself….i only had one other partner before my husband, so I have not had good sexual experiences….and with my husband, I have never had an orgasm. It makes me sad and angry, that there is nothing interesting or anything going on in my marriage.

Yes, we have a good time, we get along great, we love each other and care….but when it comes to the intimate part, there is nothing there. Ever since the beginning, I have been battling with my feelings….i have never felt wanted or desired by him. Seven years later, I still feel the same, to the point where I now feel that maybe I am just not desirable or pretty enough to be wanted or just not enough woman…I don't know, but I feel sad and extremely unhappy. Maybe I should of ended things in the beginning, but I kept thinking that things were going to get better and that he deserved for me to try because he has showed me that he cares for me. He has been there for me, he helps me and supports me and I value that. I am attracted to my husband, even though a lot of people has said that I could do better, but I don't care about that. He is not the romantic type either, but he tries on special occasions and that's fine
Now, I don't even feel like a married woman. I catch myself looking at other men. Not just looking, but lusting and wanting more. I wish I didn't feel like this, but I feel very unsatisfied and unhappy, to the point where I have contemplated the idea of cheating. Obviously, I DO NOT want to cheat….but I feel so unhappy and angry even, that my husband has let it get to this. He has not listened to me. I have contemplated the idea of leaving and I feel so selfish. I never believed people should stay married because of the kids, but now when I look at my child's face and the beautiful smile, I can't bring myself to do that. I don't want to break that amazing bond between father and daughter, I know he loves her to the moon and back and she loves him soooo much. 

I am so confused, I don't want to cheat, but I feel desperate…it's been 7 years and I find myself crying every day, not feeling loved or wanted. I feel ugly and less than….i don't want to put my feelings and happiness over my child's, but I am only 31…do I wait until my daughter is out of the house and then get on with my life? I'm not sure how to cope. All I have ever wanted with him, is to fill happy, to feel satisfied in that aspect. I am a sexual person, nothing over the top, but I like having that time with my partner, I crave it even, intimacy it's very important to me and I never wanted from someone other than him. Now, I find myself wanting it from someone else. Any advice would be greatly appreciate it.

P.S I have talked to him about going to a doctor or something, to see why is it that he can go 6 months without it and he said, he is a healthy 30 year old man and he does not have a problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please realize that you are not the problem in your marriage. He has an issue and is apparently not willing to figure out what it is and how to fix it. 

A marriage is considered sexless when the couple has sex less than 10 times a year. With the frequency you describe, your marriage is considered sexless.

One thing that strikes me is that not only is your husband not interested in sex for himself, he's not interested in pleasing you sexually.

It could be that your husband is truly low drive (LD). But that's not all that usual. Most of the time, when a man is not interested in sex with his wife, it's something else.

Your relationship with him was long distance and over the internet for years. This leads me to think that he might have used porn for a long time since he was alone for years. It's becoming more and more common for men to become addicted to porn and to not really want sex with a live woman. Do you know if he uses porn a lot? 

Here is a link to a thread that might be helpful to you: Sex Starved Wife

Your feelings of loneliness and now thinking of sex with other men is very normal. That is what happens when a person is deprived of the love and intimacy of a good sex life. If this cannot be solved with your husband, you might want to consider divorcing him and finding a man who will meet your needs. What your husband is doing is, I believe, a form of emotional abuse.

I was married to a man who withheld sex for many years. I divorced him.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This isn't normal by any means. Have you set him down and said "this isn't working for me"!!!!

Men sometimes need a 2x4 across the forehead

Maybe get into a good MC, etc.

Life is too short to be living with a corpse.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Please realize that you are not the problem in your marriage. He has an issue and is apparently not willing to figure out what it is and how to fix it.
> 
> A marriage is considered sexless when the couple has sex less than 10 times a year. With the frequency you describe, your marriage is considered sexless.
> 
> ...


Big red flag on this


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## EmmaElla (Feb 15, 2017)

EleGirl, thank you for your replied. Yes, he used to watch porn when we were apart. That never bothered me because of our long distance relationship. Before we moved in together, I asked him many times why he would always want to phone sex or sex chat, but when we were together in person. He would get caught up with everything else, except spending intimate time alone. He never had an answer for that, in all honesty, i believe he really didn't know. I should mention that he was a virgin when we met and this is another reason why i have been so patient and understanding. I caught him watching porn once, after my daughter was born. Of course i got upset because here i am at home and instead of having sex with me, he was watching porn? It only happened that one time though.

However, 7 years later and still dealing with the same, i find myself angry and resentful. He does not pleasure me any other way, unless we hare having sex. Which i never looked at it that way, that even if we are not having sex, there are other things he could do. I guess because sex with him is never great, just okay....and he never does a good job at pleasuring me, even when having sex. In the past, i never told him about the fact that he does poorly when it comes to sex...i don't feel satisfied at all, i never wanted to hurt his feelings. i told him what i liked and didn't like, in the hopes that he would pay attention and that never helped.

Just recently, in an argument we had, I just came out and said it, that he does a poor job at it. I feel really bad I said that to him, but it's been 7 years!! He doesn't listen, i am frustrated, hurt, desperate, angry, resentful....I just don't think i can take anymore. I honestly feel that I am done. I don't even want sex with anymore, have no desire for it anymore.

I just want a healthy sex life with someone i care for and cares for me. Unfortunately, i don't know if i can have that...i don't know if can do that to my daughter, breakup my family because of my own happiness...feels selfish and i find myself becoming depress.


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## EmmaElla (Feb 15, 2017)

Marc878, thank you for your reply....yes, i have talked to him many times. In our last argument, which was very heated, I told him that i didn't want to die unhappy. Not knowing what having a good, healthy sex life was....in 7 years, it just never been good or enough . To this he simply said that I was making it a bigger problem, that i was going to throw away our lives over something that can be fix. I find he always has a way to keep me here...we have had many arguments like this and I always end up giving him another chance, waiting patiently, hoping that things will change. 7 years later, i feel like i no longer care for intimacy with him...my problem now is that i don't know if i should stay and try for my daughter or if 7 years it's more than enough time and I should walk away?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Staying in an unhappy marriage for a child IMO is a bad idea. Can you live like this for the next 17 years or so?

If you change nothing. Nothing changes.

Talk is cheap. Actions tell you what you need to know


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## Oak116 (Feb 19, 2017)

EmmaElla said:


> Hi everyone, I would appreciate some advice or perspective on this situation. English is not my first language, so i will try my best to be as clear as possible and to keep it somewhat short
> 
> I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for one year. We have a child together, a one year old. A little bit of background information first- We were in a long distance relationship for 4 years. During this time we used to see each other at least twice a year for 2-3 weeks. During the weeks we spent together, our sex life was not the best. We would sex chat and have phone sex frequently. However, when we used to see each other we would probably have sex about 2-3 times the entire time we spent together. I always thought that was odd, and I talked to my husband about it back then. In the end, i thought it was just the fact that he always wanted to take me out some place and we were always busy doing stuff, so there was not enough time spent home alone. I also blamed the distance and thought that maybe once together in the same place, it would be different. There is a lot more to be said, but i feel that this bit of information, paints a good picture so far.
> 
> ...


I feel that same 😥


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EmmaElla said:


> EleGirl, thank you for your replied. Yes, he used to watch porn when we were apart. That never bothered me because of our long distance relationship. Before we moved in together, I asked him many times why he would always want to phone sex or sex chat, but when we were together in person. He would get caught up with everything else, except spending intimate time alone. He never had an answer for that, in all honesty, i believe he really didn't know. I should mention that he was a virgin when we met and this is another reason why i have been so patient and understanding. I caught him watching porn once, after my daughter was born. Of course i got upset because here i am at home and instead of having sex with me, he was watching porn? It only happened that one time though.
> 
> However, 7 years later and still dealing with the same, i find myself angry and resentful. He does not pleasure me any other way, unless we hare having sex. Which i never looked at it that way, that even if we are not having sex, there are other things he could do. I guess because sex with him is never great, just okay....and he never does a good job at pleasuring me, even when having sex. In the past, i never told him about the fact that he does poorly when it comes to sex...i don't feel satisfied at all, i never wanted to hurt his feelings. i told him what i liked and didn't like, in the hopes that he would pay attention and that never helped.
> 
> ...


It sounds like your husband has a porn addiction. When a person gets caught up in a porn addiction, they do not want sex with a live human. Porn is just a lot easier and does not require that he put the effort into pleasing you. Here is a link to a site that explains it and explains how to stop the addiction.

Here are some videos and websites for you.











Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn

How Porn Changes the Brain

While you might feel that you were mean when you told your husband the truth, it was actually a form of kindness. He needs to know that he is not filling your needs as a husband. And he has to change if he wants to stay married to you. You have to let him know that.

There are things that he can do to change. He has to stop using any kind of porn, any online sexual experience at all. It might take weeks, or months after he stops for his brain to rewire and for him to have normal sexual desires and the ability to perform in a manner that will give you the pleasure that he should be giving you.

There are sex therapists who know how to help with this situation. I don't know if there are any sex therapists where you live. If not, there is a lot of info on the internet that could help the two of you.

You have to sit him down and tell him the truth and get him to do the work he needs to do to change. If he will not, you will need to decide if you will stay in a marriage that leaves you feeling so unloved and lonely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EmmaElla said:


> Marc878, thank you for your reply....yes, i have talked to him many times. In our last argument, which was very heated, I told him that i didn't want to die unhappy. Not knowing what having a good, healthy sex life was....in 7 years, it just never been good or enough . To this he simply said that I was making it a bigger problem, that i was going to throw away our lives over *something that can be fix*. I find he always has a way to keep me here...we have had many arguments like this and I always end up giving him another chance, waiting patiently, hoping that things will change. 7 years later, i feel like i no longer care for intimacy with him...my problem now is that i don't know if i should stay and try for my daughter or if 7 years it's more than enough time and I should walk away?


So did he say what can be done to fix it? 

What does he think "it" is, meaning what does he think that the problem is?

Have you asked him how he thinks "it" can be fixed?

After you read/listen to the links I posted above, you will know what the problem is and how to fix it. But he is the one who has to fix himself. You cannot do that.


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## EmmaElla (Feb 15, 2017)

Hi, sorry for my late reply. He believes we can fix it by going to couple's counseling. I honestly do not think he has a porn addiction now, maybe he did in the past. However, he doesn't spend time on his computer and he barely spends any time on his phone when he is home. So, porn it's really not the problem.

What is his problem? i really don't know. However, i have done some thinking after my last post, we have had some talks about our situation. We have been intimate in 2 occasions after that, he was the one to initiate and while i should have been thrilled that he did, i just did not want to be intimate with him. I went along with it of course, because it had been at least 5 months or 6 months, can't remember. There was no passion about it, no foreplay, it was as always, in bed, at night, lights off....the usual. I felt nothing, actually, i did feel something. Frustration, because i simply did not enjoy it.

I realized that I have reached my limits, I just don't have anything left in me to keep going. 7 years is a long time and i am done. It is really unfortunate because we have a small child and that is the only thing that makes me question whether i should leave or stay. It is a scary thing to think about. I don't even know what to do. I have done everything in my power, in the past to make things better, it is true that we never tried couple's counseling, but he never thought he had a problem. Even now, he thinks he is fine. Should we try MC now? I guess we could, the problem is that i am so detached from him, i just don't want anything sexual with him. I have no feelings for him, neither romantic or sexual. I care about him and i love him, but i do not feel in love. We are pretty much like roommates or really good friends at this point.

I could stay in this marriage for my daughter, but i won't be happy and he won't be happy either. I am not sure how to go about this. I am a stay at home mom, i live very far from my family, so no help there with the baby. As far as daycare, is too expensive and with his salary, no way we can afford it. I feel stuck and trapped.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I don't know what you should do. But I do know you are desirable, and beautiful. I'm sure of that. 

EleGirl gives excellent advice.

I have not been to Marriage Counseling. My wife has been to a lot of Individual Counseling, with several different psychologists and psychiatrists. She is not a fan of it, but I suspect it did help her quite a bit. It does take years, though. 

I don't think you should have to suffer through those years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@EmmaElla

You posted the below on another thread. I copied it here so that others reading your thread will see it.




EmmaElla said:


> Hi, I am also in a sexless marriage, I posted a thread about it here. However, the problems now go beyond just the relationship being sexless. How do you make the transition when you have kids? I don't think i can stay, but i fear for my child, Causing her any harm. I have read many articles about staying married for the kids, how much better their upbringing is because of a stable home. But, i have also read that staying married for the kids is not the answer or healthy for anyone involve.
> 
> I have been beating myself up about what to do, I cry every night not knowing where to go with this. I feel anger towards him for letting it get this far, but what is done is done. I no longer feel the same towards him, but it's hard making a decision. Also, I am afraid of never finding that kind of relationship. Not perfect, but just a good man, that loves me and wants me in every single way. Is that possible? What helped you make your decision and do right by your kids? No one i know understands what i am going through, i keep getting the same "try harder" "maybe focus your attention in something else" "marriage counseling" and while marriage counseling would of been the right thing to do in the beginning, i no longer care for it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sometimes marriage counseling helps. Sometimes it does not. There are two basic things needed for it to work. The first is that you and your husband would both have to be willing to the serious work individually and together to fix your marriage. And secondly, you would have to find a counselor who was good at helping people with their problems. If these two things don't come together, MC is a waste of money. Sometimes you have to try 2 or 3 counselors until you find one what will help you.

If both of you wanted to work on your marriage and did the necessary work, you could fall back in love with your husband, be tracked to him and both of you would feel that passion that you want.

Most people do not change until they have hit rock bottom. Your husband has not done that. He's happy with your marriage the way it is. It fits his needs. Like so many people, he probably does not understand that in marriage, both spouses have to work to stop love busting and to make every effort to meet each other's needs.

If you are profoundly unhappy (you say that you are) and he has refused work on your marriage, then it just might be time for you to leave. Your children will be fine as long as you both love them and care for them. They will adjust. Making that decision is hard, but if you are just done, you are done. It does not help your children to grow up a home where you and your husband are little more than room mates, or worse, don't really like each other.

How do you leave? Make a to-do list. Work the things on your list. Then one day you will be done with your list, your lawyer will have filed. 

If you want to give it one more try, just in case a bolt of lighting hits your and he suddenly get it... then can do that. If you want to try this, tell your husband that you are profoundly hurt and unhappy. That either he works with you to fix this or you are divorcing. Tell him that you have requires. The first is that the two of you need to read the following two books together and do the work that they suggest. 

"*Love Busters*" and "*His Needs, Her Needs*", both by Dr. Harley. Read them in that order. There are links to these books in my signature block below. 

I think that these two books are better than hours spent in marriage counseling. They tell you both what you need to know to fix your marriage. They will give you the voice you need to tell your husband what your problem are. For example you highly value physical contact, sex, etc. Basically it is his responsibility to figure out what his problems are with sex and fix it so that you two can have a good sex life. If he does not do that, then he does not give a flip and is ok with a divorce. You can also add a marriage counselor you both want to do that. But you need a counselor who understands and will agree to work with those books.

After that, there are two more books that would really hope the two of you.... You husband needs to realize that his attitude about physical and emotional intimacy is not ok, it has to change if he wants to stay married. And if he does not take it seriously you are leaving.

*The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire* by Michele Weiner Davis


*Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence* by Esther Perel 

Then if things are not significantly better in 3 months, divorce. If they are getting better in 3 months, reevaluate in 3 more months. Basically reevaluate ever 3 to 6 months. If things are not better at any evaluations time.. leave. If he's slipped back to the guy he is now... leave. Do not end up 10 years from how looking back and saying... gee I should have left some time in 2017 'cause nothing ever got better.

If you do go through this and try this one last time, if it does not work with your husband, it will not be a waster of your time. Why? Because you need to learn how to have a relationship and set boundaries so that you never again end up in a relationship with a guy who is like your husband (or who has some other issue that leads to him not meeting your needs). And those books will teach you want you need to know. So even if you are not try to fix this marriage, consider reading them so that you are in a better place for a new relationship.


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## EmmaElla (Feb 15, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Sometimes marriage counseling helps. Sometimes it does not. There are two basic things needed for it to work. The first is that you and your husband would both have to be willing to the serious work individually and together to fix your marriage. And secondly, you would have to find a counselor who was good at helping people with their problems. If these two things don't come together, MC is a waste of money. Sometimes you have to try 2 or 3 counselors until you find one what will help you.
> 
> If both of you wanted to work on your marriage and did the necessary work, you could fall back in love with your husband, be tracked to him and both of you would feel that passion that you want.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I appreciate your advice, I will read those books and even though, i feel i am tired and do not feel like trying anymore. I will still give it another go, for at least 6 months, like you said. I will do it for my daughter since I feel she deserves that. He is a good man and a good father, so living with him it's not horrible, our problems are as a couple, there is just not enough to keep us there, but maybe if he tried, we could have that relationship that I have always craved.

I will have a another talk with him and ask him to read the books also. Marriage counseling i don't know, but i believe i would like some individual counseling, i feel in desperate need of some help as far as self growth and being happy with myself ( like i mentioned in my original post, i often feel less than and unattractive).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Since no one else brought this up....could he be gay? 

Homosexual, but denying it, even to himself?

He said it could be fixed...what a strange thing to say. To say, and then go..........mute.

If not "that", then he needs blood work done to check his vitals, especially testosterone levels.

The sleeping limp "root cause" is mental or physical....actually both, first one, then followed by the other.

If he will not "fix" this, then fix to beat feet out the door. Divorce...get new man.

Sounds like his mom sent him to the Veterinarian and had him fixed.


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## EmmaElla (Feb 15, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Since no one else brought this up....could he be gay?
> 
> Homosexual, but denying it, even to himself?
> 
> ...


No, he is not gay and I didn't think it was strange what he said because I understood what he meant. He meant that our issues could be fix, that he could fix it.


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## EmmaElla (Feb 15, 2017)

Thank you everyone for all the advice and your input, I really appreciate it. More than anything this has been a good place for me to vent, since I feel I am going crazy with my situation. Things have not changed, at least on my part now. He knows i am serious about being done with the relationship, I feel emotionally detached. The only reason I have not been able to take that step ( leaving) is because of our child.

I go back and forth in my mind about what to do. I feel I could make it on my own, get a job, take care of my daughter, stay with family at first until I get on my feet again. However, just the thought of hurting my child makes me sick and I can't move forward. Even though I think i can make it on my own, I know it would be VERY hard, I have never been a single mom before and it does scare me. I don't think the grass will be greener on the other side, as far as a romantic relationship, so I would not based my decision on thinking that I can find the right guy, if it happens it would be great. But i do not want to place my expectations too high, especially because i can't even think about dating someone right away.

I know my husband will take care of our child and help out, he is a good man and a good father, he is just not the right partner for me. We had another heart-to-heart conversation about what we should do. He says he doesn't want to break up, but also says that if it happened that he will be okay. I know he loves me, I am just wondering if he also loved me enough or maybe if that is just the way he is. The reason I say this is because of all of our issues that I talked about before and also, other things that are not sex related and too long to go over it here. Either way, I think we can be great at co-parenting since we truly do get along as friends, but i am scare of taking that step.

I have decided to go see a therapist, I couldn't before because i was having issues with my health insurance but now that is good, I will be making an appointment. I feel this whole situation is making me sick, anxious, i get headaches, I feel trapped and I feel it is consuming me in a way that is not healthy at all. I know it affects him too, but honestly he does not seem as affected as I am. I cry every day when i am alone. Some days I tell myself that it will be okay, that things will workout. And other times I try to convince myself to stay in this marriage and to continue to ignore the red flags because it would make life so much easier.

It is a battle within myself, I don't want to be that person that cheats, I don't want to be the person that breaks up her marriage for someone else, that is horrible! I would rather just end it because it's the right thing to do. That I can live with myself knowing that I ended the relationship aware that I could be alone. I want to stop this cycle, because i felt like this many times in our relationship but always gave him yet another chance and tried to work things out, but we always end up here. I do not want to keep putting off the inevitable. We are both in our early 30's, I feel we both have a chance to move on and find happiness on our own. I just worry about our child more than anything else. My child is the only reason we are still living together.

Are there any single moms, how do you make sure you are doing what is right for your child?


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

EmmaElla I don't have much advice for y meou as far as the single mother issue....my situation as single mother was entirely different circumstances, but I would encourage you to attend counseling to help you through the transition. I feel strongly you should leave but in the right way and with a plan.

This will not get better, not after seven years. Not only are you too young to give up on that part of your life and you will only continue to feel worse and worse about yourself. Eventually the friendship affection. You feel will turn to resentment and anger. Get out now while you can still do it without bitterness.



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