# Need advice- married for 7 years, marriage on rocks



## silverspoon (Dec 21, 2016)

Hi Guys, 

I have been married for 7 years and we have had our shares of ups and downs. Ever since the first year of our marriage, my husbands parents has been interfering in our lives massively- causing massive showdowns. They live in the same city and are overtly attached to their son and don't want to let go of him. Basically stuff like asking me to prove my cooking skills, expecting me to "obey them", etc. Now my husband, in the initial months was not the one to say hey let me build a solid foundation with my wife and then fix the relationship betweens parents and wife. He constantly sided them, causing me to confide to my close family friends (who have really been there for me when noone was, they are elderly- in their 70s now). Ofcourse they advised me over email and consoled me. However, my decision to stick to this marriage and make it work was my own. My husband snooped around the emails and made a big hue and cry about me speaking out to them. I kept saying had you listened to me, I would have never gone out for advise. Anyhow, 7 years later, any fight- even if something as petty as over fruits or veggies gets pulled to saying you were advised by those "outsiders" and they have ruined our marriage. He has a bad bad temper and anger issues and shouts and screams, throws things around and points fingers at me. Its like having a split personality. I have desperately tried mending my relationship with my inlaws but they are not rational. For them their son is holier than thou and I should break relationship with anyone he thinks is not good for our marriage. They refuse to accept that their son has anger issues and say marriage counselling is pointless. My husband believes the same too- so he will NEVER go to a counsellor with me. I do desperately want to work on this marriage- and I know I have made mistakes too. But how do you convince a person to move on, move ahead and stop mulling over what has happened 7 years ago? Am I trying to work with a person who will NEVER move on?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

So much attempted control... so little freedom for the spirit.

Not sure what the driving factor from your husband and parents is... religion, cultural, old-fashioned stature?

In the end, your love is suffocating, his demanding thinking of what is good and not good for your marriage is sucking all the air from it.

Self-love, self-respect, self-worth... these are not pointless and vital for your moving on, not his, you cannot control that.

Without your husband's family respecting you and your feelings, thoughts, heart, and mind... you will never attain what you desire, a proper and equal place in their lives.

This is their loss, do you feel responsible for their poor decisions?

Only you can break the control you are allowing them to have in your life... I would assess fostered by your husband's insecurities and supported by over-involved in-laws, when his ability to control anything and everything is threatened you find yourself questioning, well, yourself... and this is not mindful.

You need some boundaries for yourself and they need to be attainable... a boundary you cannot hold is wasted energy and emboldens poor behavior from your husband.

What would be the first boundary within your reach you would choose to enact?

PS. Everything is within your reach... choice is an incredibly powerful tool within you. :smile2:


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

In the beginning my marriage was like that to. She kept going to her parents for every little detail. Their daughter was holier than thou and was incapable for wrong doing. They mettled in every facet of our lives and it made real hard to want to keep in the marriage. I stayed but it turned out to be the wrong thing to do. Nothing will get any better. I think that you should have a very serious sit down conversation with your husband with his parents there with him and tell them either they back off or you will leave. It's the only way I can think off to resolve this situation once and for all. They have to know that you are serious. It's what I should have done although for us though that would be only scratching the surface of all our problems.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@silverspoon, do you have any religious authority figures you can appeal to for help and guidance? 

Have you checked out your legal situation?

Which country do you live in? Advice will vary, depending which country you live in.

You have done all the work to make the seesaw of your marriage operate as it should.

But you can't make it move, because the other end of the seesaw is weighed down by your husband, his two parents and the assorted heavy baggage that his parents have allowed him to carry all of his life.

It might be time for you to get off the seesaw, turn to your husband and say: "Come on my husband, time to leave your parents and all that useless, heavy baggage behind. Come with me toward our future as our family."

If he comes with you, that's great.

If he doesn't. then it is all on him.


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## silverspoon (Dec 21, 2016)

@emerging Buddhist, those are wise words. I am going to think about the boundaries that I should set. You are right, I feel like I have lost my spirit and at times feel worthless.. He exercises so much power on me. Also forgot to mention he keeps threatening to divorce but has never done so. Keeps asking me to take action but never takes the step. Another way to exercise power and control. The parents control his mind viciously and he lets them. Many times I feel so bad for him, he deeply loves me but doesn't see the hurt he has caused. Mostly because he is not ready to accept that he has anger issues and acceptance issues.


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## silverspoon (Dec 21, 2016)

@mattmatt I live in India and haven't checked the legal situation. This situation is mostly as a result of archaic thinking that many people believe in and think is right. There is no way that he will ever leave the parents behind. Marriage includes parents and I feel that it is a huge pressure too- generically. I only wish I could convince him to go to a counsellor with me but he won't budge. Also Dorsnt have friends he can confide in, and hence none of his friends confide in him .. Ever. Hence he feels our problem is unique and No one has hit such rock bottom in their marriage, it's only us. Which is bullocks. I think I am hitting a wall. I do want to desperately help him, but anytime I try, he starts blaming my close family friends as the outsiders who ruined our marriage and broke his trust ( has nothing to do with the situation)


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Bullying, harassment, intimidation... those are all plays for power because if he takes action to divorce you, the power is lost.

The key to seeing a counselor is either wanting a self-choice for betterment or fear from losing something of value... what is your husband's faith or spirituality?

Pride has a strong hold when supported... what do you think it would take to release these chains from his life?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

silverspoon said:


> @mattmatt I live in India and haven't checked the legal situation. This situation is mostly as a result of archaic thinking that many people believe in and think is right. There is no way that he will ever leave the parents behind. Marriage includes parents and I feel that it is a huge pressure too- generically. I only wish I could convince him to go to a counsellor with me but he won't budge. Also Dorsnt have friends he can confide in, and hence none of his friends confide in him .. Ever. Hence he feels our problem is unique and No one has hit such rock bottom in their marriage, it's only us. Which is bullocks. I think I am hitting a wall. I do want to desperately help him, but anytime I try, he starts blaming my close family friends as the outsiders who ruined our marriage and broke his trust ( has nothing to do with the situation)


 @silverspoon, it's not easy.

My wife's family originated in India, so I do know a little bit about how difficult it can be.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @silverspoon,
> 
> *Which country do you live in?* Advice will vary, depending which country you live in.


You are perceptive. You know the drill. You have been drilled by this culture, Eh?

Cooking is important. Parents come with the marriage.

Elders are *arbitors, no, they are biters.



*Purposeful typo.


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

SilverSpoon, please don't take offense to my question. But is your husband from a different culture than you? Was he raised in another country? Or does he come from a different religion, one that is very observant in their beliefs? The reason I ask, is, my wife comes from a different culture and I had some run ins with her mother when we first got married.

I don't understand why a wife or husband will not go to couple's therapy? My wife is the same way. It really shows a lack of respect for the relationship.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> SilverSpoon, please don't take offense to my question. But is your husband from a different culture than you? Was he raised in another country? Or does he come from a different religion, one that is very observant in their beliefs? The reason I ask, is, my wife comes from a different culture and I had some run ins with her mother when we first got married.
> 
> I don't understand why a wife or husband will not go to couple's therapy? My wife is the same way. It really shows a lack of respect for the relationship.


Some cultures do not do counselling, etc.

There are variations, however, some are more "liberal" and accept modern ideas like counselling. But others are more "traditional" and do not.


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## silverspoon (Dec 21, 2016)

@Emerging Buddist, he is an atheist. Not spiritual, not religious. He has so much anger in him and seems he was taught not to share as a child- hence refuses to speak with anyone. Friends and family (outside of parents) are offlimit. Since childhood he has been taught, it seems, that going to a counsellor is pointless and all the problems can be solved by parents. So he thinks that they are pretty much useless. I cannot drag him because he will not listen anyways. As far as what supports his pride, its his parents. They pretty much tell him that everything he says and does it absolutely the right thing to do. They are the chains. Its a vicious circle.


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## silverspoon (Dec 21, 2016)

@Mr.StrongMan , same culture same country, same religion. But the thought process is archaic. Its ironic because my MIL is a family court lawyer. Of all people she should be the one asking us to meet a counsellor, but she has said time and again that they are useless and she can counsel us better- ha.


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

silverspoon said:


> @Mr.StrongMan , same culture same country, same religion. But the thought process is archaic. Its ironic because my MIL is a family court lawyer. Of all people she should be the one asking us to meet a counsellor, but she has said time and again that they are useless and she can counsel us better- ha.


Well there lies your problem. She's a court lawyer. And the arrogance of her saying she can counsel you! There lies your problem!


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## silverspoon (Dec 21, 2016)

@Mr.StrongMan yep. However she has such strong control over her son, that he is believes that she is right. I have no clue how to get out of this mess. Ofcourse I am the bad one because I ignore all her advises


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Viscous indeed... but a circle flawed becomes out of balance and beats itself to death in imbalance.

With little spirituality, there is little chance for calm... may I ask if you are spiritual in any belief or are you truly atheist as he? Many times we let go of faiths to conform in marriage, but there is still a spark maintained within.

Your MIL being skilled in family courts and being proud to such a measure leaves you little room for even-handed negotiation. Since there is little influence you will have in pleading your case for counseling with such an ability to sway her son, and her belief such counseling is worthless, perhaps it is best for your to begin counseling for yourself alone... have you considered this?

If you were to seek counseling on your own, where does your safety lie? If you were to share with him that you are going to go on your own would there be violence on his part outside of angry verbal outbursts? I am sure he will dislike you having more words from others to guide you, even if they are learned words.

That's the problem with a hardened heart, it is poorly set to absorb anything of a value that can soften it... 

In the end, it is all about the choices you make for you, especially since that ais all you can possibly control. 

Boundaries are important, but you should be aware their impact if used... a successful boundary is also a safe one, free to exercise and still protect you from harm.

If you were to choose one thing for you to make better that would improve your heart and mind for what you face, what would it be?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

silverspoon said:


> @Emerging Buddist, he is an atheist. Not spiritual, not religious. He has so much anger in him and seems he was taught not to share as a child- hence refuses to speak with anyone. Friends and family (outside of parents) are offlimit. Since childhood he has been taught, it seems, that going to a counsellor is pointless and all the problems can be solved by parents. So he thinks that they are pretty much useless. I cannot drag him because he will not listen anyways. As far as what supports his pride, its his parents. They pretty much tell him that everything he says and does it absolutely the right thing to do. They are the chains. Its a vicious circle.


So he doesn't worship a God, he worships his parents, instead? :slap:


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