# MIL is Mental



## JEH718 (Dec 15, 2013)

About a year ago, my MIL attempted to commit suicide even though she kept swearing after the fact she accidentally mixed two medicines without realizing it. She only claimed this once she realized she was being admitted to the psych ward. On her way to the hospital she kept saying to family members she did not care and how her life was over.

Before this attempt though things were not good. It all started with her divorce to my husband's stepfather that she initiated a little before my husband and I got engaged. My husband told me after the fact that things were not good in the marriage for a while and throughout the time we were dating they were just putting on an act for everybody. 

Once the divorce was finalized my husband's stepfather pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. My husband and his sister have had no contact with him since then. My MIL was upset about her marriage ending and slowly became so needy. First it was the constant phone calls to her children even as late as 11 on a work night. Then she would just randomly stop by or constantly call to do something every weekend. Sometimes she would come here and cry on the couch not wanting to go home and we would let her sleep on our couch.

At first I tolerated it because I felt really bad for her. Even though the divorce was what she wanted, I am sure it had to be a hard decision to end a twenty year marriage. Here was a woman who was once widowed with two small children who picked up the pieces and managed to provide my husband and SIL with a happy life. I figured if she was able to do that then she would get over the divorce. Then things got worse, especially when we were planning our wedding. She became impossible constantly insulting what we were doing and was so paranoid her ex-husband was going to ruin everything. My husband's sister even agreed she was being difficult and was so thankful she got married before the divorce and lives a state away. I always dreaded whenever she was in the same room with my own parents because even though she controlled being mopey, she constantly would make odd comments and rehash the past. My parents knew she was divorced, but we kept it quiet that she was not normal. Because of that they unfortunately see her as a pushy, impossible person. My husband gets so insulted that they do not want much to do with her. I really do not get why he does not see why.

Throughout this entire time before the suicide attempt, her entire family kept consoling her, encouraging her, and when things were getting bad begged her to seek help. She did once and was even put on anti-depressants. However refused to listen and stopped taking her anti-depressants cold turkey because she hated them. Before the suicide attempt, my husband would get annoyed with her behavior and clingy-ness but constantly appeased her even if it meant us arguing. Then when the two of them would argue he always ended up letting her win and would sometimes be afraid to stand up to her. The last straws for me were when she came over uninvited when we were hosting friends of ours for dinner and drinks and then when she invited herself to an outing I was having with a few girlfriends. (Don't worry, I told her no to coming out with me.)

Despite the clingy-ness she would treat my husband like **** half the time and not appreciate anything he would do. She would be demanding constantly asking for favors she was capable of doing and he always obliged even if it meant canceling our plans or ending theme early. She would accuse him of abandoning her meanwhile we were seeing her much more than my own family. She would always start a fight and if she could think of anything she would make the fight about previous fights. 

I began to feel like we were living for my MIL and not for us with the disruption or rearranging of our plans because she felt lonely. She kept hinting how she really was not making much money so my husband would withdraw from his personal savings here and there for her. Then she kept saying how when we were ready to move she would like to buy a two family house with us. This caused a lot of fighting between my husband and me.

Once the suicide attempt happened my husband's passiveness for her behavior changed. After she was discharged from the psych ward with some mood stabilizers (and she claims she is seeing counseling once a week which nobody in the family believes) she went back to her old ways. He no longer took how she treated him like **** lightly or just let it happen because she was "so fragile." He even stopped giving her money. There has been a lot of animosity between him and my MIL but he really is too hot and cold. He has put his foot down about her wanting to come over all the time or tag along on date night or with our friends. However I am tired of how one minute he hates her and this lasts for weeks to how we just need to put up with her and take care of her and how suddenly I am the one who has to be more understanding. I believe what gets him to say this is how on her "good" days she says how she wishes she could do more for us and how she wants to change her life. When he is on the positive kick he goes on about how as the oldest it is his duty to be her caregiver and that we need to make sure that when we buy a house that it is a two family so she can be taken care of. I do not want her living downstairs or upstairs from us ever no matter what she promises. I will never feel at ease knowing we live in the same building and how I have to walk on egg shells when she is having a bad day. I really dread the day in the near future when it is time to house hunt.

Worst of all I have kept all of this a secret not just from my parents but to everybody because I promised my husband's family. Unfortunately it makes me want to explode because I have nobody to talk to about this. I do not know how to deal with her. She used to be such a fun, happy person who never meddled or came begging for us to care for her like a child. I still love her, but I really do not like her anymore and really am beginning to resent her. I know that is harsh but that is how I feel. She doesn't listen to anybody whether it is her own family or her own doctor.

Am I being a horrible DIL?  Do I just put up with her and let her play a role on how we live?


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