# She thinks I'm being controlling



## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

My wife thinks that I am trying to be controlling, but I don't think I am being unreasonable in this particular situation. I am in need of opinions.

First a little background: We were seperated for several months, she came home a few weeks ago, and we have had some major ups and downs, but things are gradually getting better.

One night, a we got into a pretty good argument, and she left. She ended up at a bar on karaoke night, had a great time, and comes home and tells me that she will be going there every week. She also admitted that she didn't pay for a drink all night, because other men were buying them for her.
The next night, we got into an even bigger fight, she went to the same place, came home drunk, and again admitted that guys were buying her drinks all night.

Things are better between us now, but she is still insisting that she goes to karaoke, while I stay home and watch the kids.

She says that she is going to sing karaoke, and not to hang out at the bar. I have a problem with this, and she thinks that I am being controlling because I don't agree with her going.
I would be okay if she was going with a group of friends, or if I was going with her, or even if karaoke night was at the local church instead of a bar. She says she won't allow any guys to buy her drinks or hit on her, but this is still unsetteling to me. Inversely if I were to go to a bar alone (and buy women drinks) she would probably leave.

Am I out of line for not wanting her to go to a bar alone?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

If her behavior is unacceptable to you (I know it would not fly with me)

Then tell her so and stick to your guns.

In my opinion any parent who goes out flirting and drinking with the opisite sex while the other parent stays home to watch the kids is flirting with danger!!!!!!!!!!!!

She might have already cheated on you.

You could try going out by your self and comming home drunk with lip stick on your coller and saying you were just having fun singing yourself.

But in all honesty it sounds like she already checked out of the marriage and is just biding her time to move on.

Put the law down and if she don't like it tell her to leave!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Nothing to do with your controlling! She will go in any case. Take good care of your kids & get ready to confront her affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

I don't think that she has really checked out of the marriage, and I don't really think that she is looking for anything other than to just get out for a little while (she is a stay at home mom). But I don't know that for a fact, and I don't know what is happening if I'm not there. 
I believe that in her mind what she is doing is innocent, and therefore I shouldn't have a problem with it.
I don't have a problem with her going out and doing things, what I do have a problem with is her going to a bar alone. Especially one that she has admitted that when she goes there she dosen't have to buy her own drinks.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So let me get this straight ...

She moved back into your home after being separated, and believes that going to hang out at a bar, getting hit on , _and telling you about it ..._ is a positive way to work on the marriage?

"You want to control me." equals I am looking for ways to alienate you. More simply, she is more invested in looking around than she is in repairing the marriage. She isn't into you. She is however content to let you foot the bills and keep a roof over her head while she continues looking for greener pastures.

Proceed accordingly.


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

Other than this situation, she hasn't accused me of being controlling.
I appreciate all of the input, and some of you may be close to whats really going on here.
Let me ask this. If her intentions are truly innocent, and all she wants to do is go sing and have a little bit of fun without the kids, is it wrong for me to be against this? And is it wrong for her to not respect my opinion?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

seperated&confused said:


> Other than this situation, she hasn't accused me of being controlling.
> I appreciate all of the input, and some of you may be close to whats really going on here.
> Let me ask this. If her intentions are truly innocent, and all she wants to do is go sing and have a little bit of fun without the kids, is it wrong for me to be against this? And is it wrong for her to not respect my opinion?


Even if her intentions are innocent what do you know of the intentions of those at the bar where alcohol is readily being served. You also already know she's accepted drinks from supposed strangers. These are major warning signs.

If she thinks she's innocent it's because she has to believe this to condone her behavior.

To answer your questions...no it's not wrong for you to be against it and yes it is wrong for her not respect your opinion especially in a case where she is placing your marriage and her well being directly in jeopardy.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Take her out on a date yorself and show her a good time.

get a baby sitter and show her you still want to do fun things with her if she is resistant then the warning flags would be flying


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

chillymorn said:


> Take her out on a date yorself and show her a good time.
> 
> get a baby sitter and show her you still want to do fun things with her if she is resistant then the warning flags would be flying


This is never _bad_ advice, but honestly? It doesn't seem like there is sufficient investment on either side, or respect of ground rules to make this happen.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Deejo said:


> So let me get this straight ...
> 
> She moved back into your home after being separated, and believes that going to hang out at a bar, getting hit on , _and telling you about it ..._ is a positive way to work on the marriage?
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I suggest a little investigating.

Plan ahead, get someone to watch the kids AFTER she has left for the evening to go to the bar.

Then you go to the bar too.

If she confronts you about "checking up" on her (and she will be pissed)? Just tell her I wanted to see how pretty your voice is. 

But don't be so quick to let her know you are in the bar. See what is going on, who is there.

And in the off chance that she is NOT at the bar? Wait awhile. Then go home. 

You have all the information you need.

When she then gets home, ask how the singing went.

When she lies and says it was great, you know.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Deejo said:


> This is never _bad_advice, but honestly? It doesn't seem like there is sufficient investment on either side, or respect of ground rules to make this happen.


You may wish to get the babysitter yourself and then go to the bar, sit in the back - and observe.

That should stiffen your spine.


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## JennyO (Nov 10, 2010)

Flirting is an advertisement that you are available...also that you have pretty low self esteem if you are married. Sounds like she gets high on the male attention.

Is she open to therapy to find out why she does this? She can't change until she sees it as a problem...Good luck


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

Thanks again for all of the great advice.
I really believe that she has innocent intentions, but there is still that bit of doubt in the back of my mind. My real issue is that she is refusing to respect my wishes about this.
We had a rather heated discussion about it the other day, and it ended with out any real conclussion.
Tomorrow night is the night that she wants to go out. I'm not going to mention it, and just see what happens.
If she does go out, I may follow some of your advice about checking up on her. If she dosen't I will leave it alone.

I've been trying to take her out, but we don't have a a babysitter readily available. She is all for a date night, we just have to find a babysitter.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

seperated&confused said:


> I've been trying to take her out, but we don't have a a babysitter readily available. She is all for a date night, we just have to find a babysitter.


Then find one. Work harder for this. You have a big stake in success. Think of it as important.


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

michzz said:


> Then find one. Work harder for this. You have a big stake in success. Think of it as important.


We are working on it, like I said she has only been home for a few weeks, we don't even have all of her stuff unpacked yet. In her coming back regular date nights were discussed and we both realize the importance of them.

What really gets me is that she claims the guys that were buying her drinks are twice her age, and weren't even talking to her, and she wasn't flirting or asking for them to get her drinks. So she thinks its OK.
Being a man, I know that I have never bought a woman a drink in a bar just for the heck of it, and not at least tried to talk to them.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> Take her out on a date yorself and show her a good time.
> 
> get a baby sitter and show her you still want to do fun things with her if she is resistant then the warning flags would be flying


:iagree: :iagree:

Problem when you have kids is you often focus on being parents over being a couple. Sounds like she's resenting this and wanting to regain some freedom. I understand exactly where she is coming from. 

What my husband and I used to do back when the kids were younger was trade off. With my husband and I it was a bit different because I wanted to go show or race my car, take road trips and he was into flying RC model airplanes and playing computer games and poker with his friends..so we traded off whole days or weekends where one of us would stay home with the kids and let the other do what he/she wanted.

In the end it was about giving each other the individual space that most adults want and need and trusting the other person as well. Yes, your wife can go bars and do karaoke but how would she react if you wanted to do the same thing without her?

You should get your space too. Seems reasonable to me. Everyone needs space. There are times when my husband wants to be left alone and I want the same...but when one feels taken advantage of or ignored that's where the problem begins. 

That said, you should make time for each other as well. That's what most parents seem to overlook. You STILL need to spend time as couple and keep the relationship exciting and fresh. So maybe you could get a sitter (I know how hard it is go get a sitter, trust me!) and join her at these karaoke sessions, take in dinner or if you can't out of the house, then plan some interesting and fun things to do in the house WITH HER. Now if she doesn't want you to be with her...well, that's an indication there's something "up".

I will say too that my husband and I are going through a similar situation. Our children are now old enough to stay home alone now so they aren't an issue but after more than a year where my husband and I have gone out and hit the bar scene most weekends he has decided that he'd like to stay home and chill out, take in a movie and just relax. 

After 15 years of feeling imprisoned and rarely being able to get out I'm in the opposite frame of mind. I've lost of weight, have a new wardrobe and work hard all week..When the weekend comes I want to go out and shake a leg. Staying home and watching a movie is NOT what I want to do so I have gone out without him..a few times I've gone out alone. He hasn't been happy about this but my attitude is that he's more than welcome to come with me and if he doesn't it's his problem. 

Somewhere you have to reach a compromise. Not sure where my husband and I will wind up. Last weekend he did show up later in the evening when I went to dinner and checked out a band with some friends and I know he was there "checking me out" before I realized he was there. Didn't bother me because, well..I wasn't doing anything at all in the way of flirting or coming on to other men nor would I want to and when I realized he was there I was really happy to see him!

This weekend he's indicated that he will go out to dinner and see one of our favorite bands with me. In return I've agreed to leave him alone during the day on Saturday and Sunday. I'm thinking that's a nice compromise and it sounds like you and your wife have some discussion and compromising to do.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

seperated&confused said:


> Other than this situation, she hasn't accused me of being controlling.
> I appreciate all of the input, and some of you may be close to whats really going on here.
> Let me ask this. If her intentions are truly innocent, and all she wants to do is go sing and have a little bit of fun without the kids, is it wrong for me to be against this? And is it wrong for her to not respect my opinion?


What's the purpose for women to accept so many free bottles in a bar and take the advantage of a "stupid" man to keep buying her drink for free?
Did you guys ever buy women drink? What did it mean to you when a chick accepted all the drink you paid for her? It's a bar with singing! Drinks are not cheap! How come everytime she went there, the "stupid" man was there standing by to buy her drink for free. Is he really that stupid? or she thinks you're the one who would believe in her nonsense?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Btw, she obviously not only went to bar or karaok or nightclub for singing or dancing but also went there to get drunk.
I don't remember how many times I went to a karaok in my life, probably 50 + but never one time that I was there to get drunk. When I was single, it happened twice at night clubs, that I got picked up & I was drunk because I accepted his free drink until I was really pissed (drunk), and we ended up having ONS at hotel. Great sex & I never regret. Don't joke! I was single but old enough to know what kind of messages I would send to a man for accepting his drink. I was there to be targeted and offered with drinks at night clubs where girls dressed to kill, looking for fun.
So you really think a woman would keep accepting free drink from a stupid man,but singing & drinking alone until she's drunk?
Why would she take advantage of any man who buys her drink? What's her purpose?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

There are a couple of things here so let me go over them very briefly. 

It is not unreasonable for you to think it is inappropriate for her to go to a bar and sing karaoke and allow other men to buy her drinks while you sit at home and watch the kids without consulting with you. When two people marry, they volunteer to give their spouse 100% of their affection and loyalty--and ditching you to be with other men and "have fun" is clearly not giving you affection or loyalty. Plus, as a married person, you also volunteer to no longer be only a single entity but also be part of a team of two and always consider your spouse in all your decisions. 

So, it's not unreasonable for you to think her behavior is unacceptable. Here's where the problem occurs though and here's where you are, in fact, being controlling. 

YOU can not control her--meaning "make her" stay home or force her to do something she absolutely doesn't want to do herself. If you attempt to do that--"make her stay home" then you are attempting to control her. 

Now just the same as you can not control HER, what you can do is control YOU. You can let her know what you will and will not accept in your life, like this: "You are absolutely free to make choices for yourself and your life and I will not try to influence you, but I can let you know that I will not be left alone on a weekly basis while my spouse is out with other men. I will accept 100% of your affection and loyalty and to my mind that would include more loyalty to me than to the karaoke." Then if you tell her what you do and do not find acceptable and she still chooses to do it anyway, then you can decide if you need to or want to withdraw or pull back from the marriage some. 

If you were to pull back or withdraw or ask her to move out even, it would still not be controlling, because she is completely free to choose to work WITH you and say, "I really enjoyed this and I'd like to do it again, but can we work out something we are both enthusiastic about? Maybe we could go together or maybe we could go back and forth and share "nights out." What do you think?" This kind of action would be respecting you, including you, working WITH you, and giving you 100% of her affection and loyalty while making a request. Instead, she made the choices and she is responsible for the consequences of her choices. She was free to choose--she chose to offer her affection and loyalty elsewhere--and the natural consequence of that choice is that the marriage is not built up. 

Make sense?


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

Affaircare, That makes perfect sense. I won't try to to physically stop her from leaving, but I will make sure that she knows my disaproval of her choices, and why I disaprove.

I have given up things and behaviors that I enjoy, because she disaproves of them, and has a valid reason for it. 

We have had a pretty rough marriage, especially the last several months. I look forward to the day that I will be okay with her going out and doing whatever, and me being completely comfortable with that. I also hope that one day I could do the same. But where we are at in our marriage right now, I don't think it's such a good idea.


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

This morning she told me that she decided that she is not going to go against my wishes. We have alot of things to sort out in our marriage, and right now her going out and partying is just not what we need.
To sum is up she's said she's not going to do anything that she knows will upset me, and that maybe we can address the situation once our marriage is more stable.
Thanks for all of the great advice.


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