# Concern w/W's interpersonal relationships



## MAJDEATH

I have recently observed my W associating with a person that I am not super comfortable with. And she has changed her opinion of him somewhat abruptly. I will explain.

His name is Sam and he is a local politician/attorney. Previously he asked for our support and reluctantly we helped. He has been to our house before when we were both at home.

On Monday I had to travel out of town and was informed he stopped by. Normally my W doesn't answer the door unless you phone first, and I have yet to determine that. The stated reason was to talk about zoning changes affecting the area by our house and to place a big yard sign of support for the upcoming election. W has stated before that she is opposed to yard signs for any candidates. Sam also asked her to prepare some FOIA requests for the neighborhood association. 

To me it seems odd. Yesterday I did receive an email from Sam summarizing the requests to me and W. Today when I went home for lunch W explained Sam was just there to follow-up and leave a big yard sign. 

I am uneasy about him and his intentions. He comes across as the older smarmy-type politician so I need to investigate further. Am I being unreasonable as to her seemingly abrubt change of opinion? Obviously we need to discuss this more. (And before those who know our history say "I told you so", let me try to get more info first).


----------



## ConanHub

Have you discussed your concerns with your Mrs?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

When your spidey sense starts tingling because another hardtail comes around it's always for a good reason.

Nip this in the bud.


----------



## BioFury

While I'm aware that your wife has had multiple affairs, I am ignorant of the details, or her current level commitment to the marriage. If she's emotionally receptive, then why not just share your concerns with her? Are you guys close, or are you acting as an unofficial chaperone, trying to keep men away from her so she won't get any ideas?


----------



## MAJDEATH

If I have learned anything on this forum, it is to trust your instincts. We did discuss briefly, but I need to examine more closely. I have had a problem with her close associations previously (notice how I said my problem, not her problem because it is up to me to accept or not). I will let you know what I discover, including taking a look at her phone.


----------



## Blondilocks

Take the yard sign to Sam's office and tell him that you won't be planting it in your yard and to please stop dropping by your home when you're not there. As loudly and with as many people around as you can.


----------



## sunsetmist

He would be foolish to instigate now, but he could be laying the groundwork for after the election. What an uncomfortable life for you...


----------



## ConanHub

Blondilocks said:


> Take the yard sign to Sam's office and tell him that you won't be planting it in your yard and to please stop dropping by your home when you're not there. As loudly and with as many people around as you can.


This was along the lines of my first impulse.


----------



## Yeswecan

Return the sign. Simply state you are afraid people will walk on your property to take the sign or worse as he is not their candidate. Trump sign owners understand. Then tell him you will see him at the polls. Need to stop this now as he might be looking for your W to join his campaign yadda yadda...yeah no....


----------



## Faithful Wife

Maybe your wife does this to get your attention, to yank your chain. You have had a similar issue with her having men over to the house. Maybe she does this kind of thing because it makes her feel loved? Not saying it’s healthy, but you do seem to get into the same place over and over with her.


----------



## Spicy

Would your wife agree to a deal that neither of you have people of the opposite sex in your home when your spouse isn’t there? That could help fix a reoccurring problem.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Talked to W about it. She said it was a weird coincidence that Sam walked up right when she went outside to clean the porch of snow.

A few days prior we had received notice that a private developer is requesting a change to the zoning around our property (in a negative way) and the we will need both a private attorney and a favorable vote from the city council to stop it. We had just fired our real estate attorney last month after an unfavorable outcome on an unrelated matter.

So my W invited Sam inside to discuss his representation of our interests with respect to zoning in exchange for our public endorsement and some FOIA requests that he needs. I was emailed a summary of the deal and a contract today so it is legit.

Regarding coming to my house, I will go see Sam and require pre-approval/notification. And my W is fine with that. Sam doesn't need to know the reasons why. W said while the were talking in the foyer he asked about my AR-15 sitting in the corner 🙂.


----------



## MAJDEATH

BTW, phone was clean (nothing unusual).


----------



## happyhusband0005

I don't think you have anything to worry about as far as your wife and this guy goes. But I do think caution over what this guys intentions are relating to the zoning issue is. I would advise getting uninvolved legal counsel to be sure you and your wife aren't being used. If you're an abutter to the land being rezoned and do not want to see whatever is planned happen you should plan on being very involved and raise hell. Read up on the regulations regarding the process and have very specific reasons why you are opposed to it and be ready to make a thorough case as to how you will be harmed. Is this a rezoning that can be done by a city council or does it require a public vote? I'm a commercial developer so I know a thing or two about what goes on with these things. Local politicians can be shady characters.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Blondilocks said:


> Take the yard sign to Sam's office and tell him that you won't be planting it in your yard and to please stop dropping by your home when you're not there. As loudly and with as many people around as you can.


The OP married a serial cheater. That's a *fact*.

He's chosen to stay with her for reasons that are all his own. That's a fact.

So _this_ is the price of staying with a serial cheater? Always having to walk softly, carrying a big stick and having to scare off every big dog who comes up on the porch because your wife is likely giving off vibes to them? I know in your mind she's the innocent damsel and he's the big bad wolf, but her reputation precedes her. Sorry.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Maybe so. In my book the good outweighs the bad. Maybe not in your book.


----------



## Blondilocks

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The OP married a serial cheater. That's a *fact*.
> 
> He's chosen to stay with her for reasons that are all his own. That's a fact.
> 
> So _this_ is the price of staying with a serial cheater? Always having to walk softly, carrying a big stick and having to scare off every big dog who comes up on the porch because your wife is likely giving off vibes to them? *I know in your mind she's the innocent damsel and he's the big bad wolf, but her reputation precedes her. Sorry.*




Nope. I just know Maj. He isn't going anywhere.


----------



## Andy1001

MAJDEATH said:


> Maybe so. In my book the good outweighs the bad. Maybe not in your book.


Please do not take this as judging,it’s not.As far as I’m concerned two consenting adults can get up to whatever shenanigans they want as long as nobody else is getting hurt.
Do you have some sort of cuckold fetish or have you no sense of self worth?
Do you place no value on your own contribution to a relationship?
Since I first started reading these forums and before I ever posted I read your threads,some of the things that your wife has put you through would drive most men to the nearest lunatic asylum for immediate incarceration.
I will never forget her explanation when you found condoms in her overnight bag that they were for her vibrator.
And the most insane thing is you give other people good advice on their own relationship problems.
Your normal reply when anyone asks you anything personal is to claim it’s not relevant to the post in question,your defense of your wife would be admirable in any other situation,but I think you have blinkers on with regards to her.
Maybe just once you might make an exception and answer honestly.


----------



## Blondilocks

I believe Maj feels responsible for the way his marriage has turned out - and, he has had a big part to play in the outcome.


----------



## MAJDEATH

happyhusband0005 said:


> I don't think you have anything to worry about as far as your wife and this guy goes. But I do think caution over what this guys intentions are relating to the zoning issue is. I would advise getting uninvolved legal counsel to be sure you and your wife aren't being used. If you're an abutter to the land being rezoned and do not want to see whatever is planned happen you should plan on being very involved and raise hell. Read up on the regulations regarding the process and have very specific reasons why you are opposed to it and be ready to make a thorough case as to how you will be harmed. Is this a rezoning that can be done by a city council or does it require a public vote? I'm a commercial developer so I know a thing or two about what goes on with these things. *Local politicians can be shady characters*.


You got that right. We have had more than our share of promises told to our face that were "forgotten" when it came time to vote. 2 years ago my W was a whistle-blower on corruption/racketeering that brought down a neighborhood group, so the politicians either love us or hate us.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Andy1001 said:


> Please do not take this as judging,it’s not.As far as I’m concerned two consenting adults can get up to whatever shenanigans they want as long as nobody else is getting hurt.
> *Do you have some sort of cuckold fetish or have you no sense of self worth?*
> Do you place no value on your own contribution to a relationship?
> Since I first started reading these forums and before I ever posted I read your threads,some of the things that your wife has put you through would drive most men to the nearest lunatic asylum for immediate incarceration.
> I will never forget her explanation when you found condoms in her overnight bag that they were for her vibrator.
> And the most insane thing is you give other people good advice on their own relationship problems.
> Your normal reply when anyone asks you anything personal is to claim it’s not relevant to the post in question,your defense of your wife would be admirable in any other situation,but I think you have blinkers on with regards to her.
> Maybe just once you might make an exception and answer honestly.


I would say no to both. Perhaps there is a third option that I cannot discuss, but has a huge impact on our relations.


----------



## MAJDEATH

I forgot to mention that Sam was arrested for allegedly soliciting sex from two undercover female police officers about 10 years ago. The charges were later dropped and it was commonly believed that it was a set-up, because he represented some clients who won cases against the city/police.


----------



## MAJDEATH

For discussion purposes, if we had agreed to not have people (non-family) of the opposite sex come over unless we both are present, what is the appropriate response? What would you do?


----------



## Faithful Wife

MAJDEATH said:


> For discussion purposes, if we had agreed to not have people (non-family) of the opposite sex come over unless we both are present, what is the appropriate response? What would you do?


When I was married, it would not have been cool to have opposite sex people over when home alone, for either of us. Unless it was some kind of professional or something like that which we both knew about (like having a real estate pro come by). Otherwise, we never really had to specifically have a rule about this, we both knew it wouldn’t be cool.

If I did what your wife had done my ex would have kind of flipped out on me. If I continued like your wife, and refused to see anything wrong with it, I’m not sure what he would have done. We did not have a history of infidelity, but he still might have walked out on me if I could not see why it was wrong.


----------



## Blondilocks

MAJDEATH said:


> For discussion purposes, if we had agreed to not have people (non-family) of the opposite sex come over unless we both are present, what is the appropriate response? What would you do?


You have already levied financial consequences so what do you think you could do? You can't lock her in a room while you're gone. It's as though you are dealing with an errant child who has oppositional defiance disorder.


----------



## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> For discussion purposes, if we had agreed to not have people (non-family) of the opposite sex come over unless we both are present, what is the appropriate response? What would you do?


Honestly? Give up on the notion that she will abide any such measures. How you make yourself ok with that, I have no idea.


----------



## Openminded

Apparently what she wants to do is more important to her than what you want her to do. That's not surprising considering her past actions (of course, you do share part of the blame there and I'm reminded of that every time you start a new thread about her behavior). As for consequences, you could always suggest counseling (individual/marriage/both). If she doesn't agree, you could tell her the marriage can't continue the way things are. If you can't do that, be prepared to monitor her the rest of your life.


----------



## Spicy

We have always done this in our marriage. If someone of the opposite sex stops by unexpectedly, and only one of us are home, we simply step outside and visit for a few minutes out there and ask them to swing back by when we are all home. This is done out of respect for our mate and it also serves as a protection in many ways. (Temptation, accusation, even neighbor gossip!)


----------



## NobodySpecial

I wonder something. Do you both have the same vision of what your marriage is and should be? Does she pine for something she can't have that requires you to keep constant vigilance? I get the water under the bridge that got you here. But what does she want NOW? Is she trading sexual and romantic happiness (and pining for it) for family and other considerations?


----------



## personofinterest

NobodySpecial said:


> I wonder something. Do you both have the same vision of what your marriage is and should be? Does she pine for something she can't have that requires you to keep constant vigilance? I get the water under the bridge that got you here. But what does she want NOW? Is she trading sexual and romantic happiness (and pining for it) for family and other considerations?


Excellent questions. I understand the problems of the past. But he stayed. So the present....fascinates me.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Good questions. I wonder if her personality attracts certain types of people that wants to inject themselves into our lives. Or does her "sniffer" for problematic people need adjusted? I believe we are in a good place marriagewise but I never forget the past.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

MAJDEATH said:


> For discussion purposes, if we had agreed to not have people (non-family) of the opposite sex come over unless we both are present, what is the appropriate response? What would you do?


Why does it matter? You aren't going anywhere no matter what she does, so....


----------



## MAJDEATH

My example would be the pedicure guy from a couple of years ago. He was a former coworker who knew about her relationships with coworkers while we were separated. 
And apparently they shared an interest in platonic pedicures back then.

Fast forward ten years later and we run into him at a community event. They rekindle their friendship with talk of her going to work for him. And then he starts dropping by the house for mutual pedicures in the early afternoons. 
She could not discern that there was anything wrong. My spider sense was telling me that there was an agenda at play. 50 something married man starts interacting with a 40 something married woman. He knows in the past she played around with coworkers. He offers her 2 jobs. As a man I saw what was coming but she claims ignorance of some ulterior motive.

So that's why I say her sniffer is defective and she needs to work on it.


----------



## Andy1001

MAJDEATH said:


> My example would be the pedicure guy from a couple of years ago. He was a former coworker who knew about her relationships with coworkers while we were separated.
> And apparently they shared an interest in platonic pedicures back then.
> 
> Fast forward ten years later and we run into him at a community event. They rekindle their friendship with talk of her going to work for him. And then he starts dropping by the house for mutual pedicures in the early afternoons.
> She could not discern that there was anything wrong. My spider sense was telling me that there was an agenda at play. 50 something married man starts interacting with a 40 something married woman. He knows in the past she played around with coworkers. He offers her 2 jobs. As a man I saw what was coming but she claims ignorance of some ulterior motive.
> 
> So that's why I say her sniffer is defective and she needs to work on it.


There is nothing wrong with her sniffer,she knows exactly what she is doing and you are being naive if you believe otherwise. 
She craves the attention of men. She is sending signals and these guys are reading them.
And she knows how to reel them in. 
You are looking for some magical reason to explain your wife’s behavior,anything except believing who and what you married. 
There is a reason but it’s neither magical or complex. 
And you know this in your heart.


----------



## MAJDEATH

3 years ago I moved out suddenly and filed after finding a disturbing email. After a month she agreed to not have opposite sex stop by without agreement, at risk of D w/post nup. This was supposed to hold her discernment accountable, so I have to decide if what happened with Sam is acceptable.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Question for long-term married ladies: can women have no or very little interest in sex, but still crave platonic attention from men? She was abondoned by her Dad at 11.

I will talk to my counselor about it.


----------



## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> Good questions. I wonder if her personality attracts certain types of people that wants to inject themselves into our lives. Or does her "sniffer" for problematic people need adjusted? I believe we are in a good place marriagewise but I never forget the past.


You want to make this about other people. If you had an arrangement for how to handle people in the house, and she does not honor that arrangement, then it is not her "sniffer" about these OTHER people. It is about HER.


----------



## Andy1001

MAJDEATH said:


> Question for long-term married ladies: can women have no or very little interest in sex, but still crave platonic attention from men? She was abondoned by her Dad at 11.
> 
> I will talk to my counselor about it.


You’re doing it again,looking for some magical answer for all your wife’s serial cheating and refusal to accept boundaries regarding other men.
There is a simple answer but I’ve been banned before for using this terminology so I will refrain from telling you what every other person on tam thinks about your wife. 
All I can say is I would love to meet her because she must be a remarkable looking woman with a golden vagina. The crap you put up with is endless.
I hope you are catholic Maj because you are guaranteed a place in heaven.
You have served your time in hell.


----------



## WorkingWife

With Politicians, I would never be surprised at one putting the moves on a woman. But also, I would never be surprised at one just trying to get votes and publicity. My guess is that it's nothing *at this point* but your precautions are wise.





MAJDEATH said:


> Talked to W about it. She said it was a weird coincidence that Sam walked up right when she went outside to clean the porch of snow.
> 
> A few days prior we had received notice that a private developer is requesting a change to the zoning around our property (in a negative way) and the we will need both a private attorney and a favorable vote from the city council to stop it. We had just fired our real estate attorney last month after an unfavorable outcome on an unrelated matter.
> 
> So my W invited Sam inside to discuss his representation of our interests with respect to zoning in exchange for our public endorsement and some FOIA requests that he needs. I was emailed a summary of the deal and a contract today so it is legit.
> 
> Regarding coming to my house, I will go see Sam and require pre-approval/notification. And my W is fine with that. Sam doesn't need to know the reasons why. W said while the were talking in the foyer he asked about my AR-15 sitting in the corner 🙂.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Is it possible her mannerisms and personality convey a sense of "interest" to men, but that is not what she is thinking or saying at all? She has a girlfriend like this too. In the past I have heard guys say "this girl is really interested in me" after talking to the girlfriend for 5 minutes, and she has no interest in them whatsoever. Maybe I'm missing something. They are vivacious, curvy, attractive, smiling fun broads, full of laughter and can match drink for drink with the guys.


----------



## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> Is it possible her mannerisms and personality convey a sense of "interest" to men, but that is not what she is thinking or saying at all? She has a girlfriend like this too. In the past I have heard guys say "this girl is really interested in me" after talking to the girlfriend for 5 minutes, and she has no interest in them whatsoever. Maybe I'm missing something. They are vivacious, curvy, attractive, smiling fun broads, full of laughter and can match drink for drink with the guys.


Who cares? Your wife is not abiding by your agreements.


----------



## VermiciousKnid

I don't know you or your wife personally but a brief scan of your post history eludes that your wife has had about a baker's dozen affairs over the years? Is so, why would you expect her not to cheat going forward? That's just who she is. Accept it or divorce her.


----------



## Blondilocks

MAJDEATH said:


> Question for long-term married ladies: can women have no or very little interest in sex, but still crave platonic attention from men? She was abondoned by her Dad at 11.
> 
> I will talk to my counselor about it.


Yes, for a number of reasons such as boredom, loneliness or just because she enjoys the company of men. Don't drag her dad into her lack of boundaries and lack of commitment. 

Your wife and her girlfriend are flirts and know they are flirts and know exactly what they are doing. Stop trying to analyze her.

The event with Sam was not planned so she isn't guilty on that count. Where she is guilty is inviting him into the house. She should have told him to come back when you were there so you could both discuss the problem. She either truly doesn't understand why it's wrong to invite men in when she's alone or doesn't care about your feelings on the subject. My bet is on the latter. She's too damned old to have to explain this to her.

Are you still picking up her meds for her?


----------



## personofinterest

MAJDEATH said:


> Question for long-term married ladies: can women have no or very little interest in sex, but still crave platonic attention from men? She was abondoned by her Dad at 11.
> 
> I will talk to my counselor about it.


No.

The only way this would be true is if the woman in question is completely turned off by her husband but still wants sex with others. If she had ZERO interest in sex of any kind with anyone, she would not be garnering the attention of any male.

So the question hubby has to ask is this: Why DOESN'T she have interest in sex with me?

In your case, I think your wife is a serial cheater, and your assortment of traits is not attractive to her.


----------



## jlg07

MAJDEATH said:


> 3 years ago I moved out suddenly and filed after finding a disturbing email. After a month she agreed to not have opposite sex stop by without agreement, at risk of D w/post nup. This was supposed to hold her discernment accountable, so I have to decide if what happened with Sam is acceptable.


Was this something she knew about and arranged before hand, or did the guy just show up canvassing the neighborhood and found your wife outside?
I think those two are distinctly different (but she still SHOULD NOT have invited him inside).


----------



## MAJDEATH

VermiciousKnid said:


> I don't know you or your wife personally but a brief scan of your post history eludes that your wife has had about a baker's dozen affairs over the years? Is so, why would you expect her not to cheat going forward? That's just who she is. Accept it or divorce her.


She was not innocent around the time of our separations while I was deployed, but I don't think that number is accurate.


----------



## Andy1001

MAJDEATH said:


> She was not innocent around the time of our separations while I was deployed, but I don't think that number is accurate. More like 3/4.


I just read some posts of yours on a two year old thread in which you were divorcing your wife but because she looked so hot in court and flirted with you you offered her two hundred dollars for sex.
And she took the money.
This is about as ****ed up a relationship as I have ever heard of.
Once again,has she a golden vagina?


----------



## nekonamida

MAJDEATH said:


> She was not innocent around the time of our separations while I was deployed, but I don't think that number is accurate. More like 3/4.


And she did not magically become innocent now!

Look, Maj. If you want to stay with your WW, you have to accept that you will be sharing her in some capacity from now until death. This is who she is and who she is right now is someone who cheats, lies, and plays dumb when confronted. If what the above poster said is true that she took money from you to sleep with her in the past, what's to stop her from taking money from Sam to sleep with him? He clearly likes paying women for sex. Your WW clearly accepts money for sex. Don't you think it's a little naive to believe that she just talks to him with that kind of incriminating history? It's like thinking a known drug addict when to a trap house just to chat and not get high. There is no way that this is completely innocent and your WW suddenly forgot that you had an agreement under penalty of D and post-nup not to do this. She's just hoping you're dumb and love blind enough to accept her bull**** answers because it's worked on you before.

Again, if you're willing to accept infidelity to keep your WW, that's a valid choice. Not one I or many people in general would ever make but it's an option for you. But you can't come here with all her crap and expect us to fall for it too and to help convince you there's no man hiding behind the curtain of this **** show.


----------



## BioFury

MAJDEATH said:


> Is it possible her mannerisms and personality convey a sense of "interest" to men, but that is not what she is thinking or saying at all? She has a girlfriend like this too. In the past I have heard guys say "this girl is really interested in me" after talking to the girlfriend for 5 minutes, and she has no interest in them whatsoever. Maybe I'm missing something. They are vivacious, curvy, attractive, smiling fun broads, full of laughter and can match drink for drink with the guys.


According to your posts, your wife continues to cultivate flirty relationships with the men she comes into contact with. Her behavior demonstrates that she isn't emotionally faithful to you, and seeks attention elsewhere. One can hope that her wanderlust doesn't progress into the physical again, but a marriage takes two committed individuals, and in your case, there is only one. So what is your goal? Are you trying to get to the bottom of her pathology in the hope that it can be fixed? What are you hoping to achieve?


----------



## MAJDEATH

I guess I am just trying to understand. I have to make a choice whether her recent actions are acceptable to me. An unplanned visit with inviting him into the entryway because she needed to review paperwork and it was cold/sleeting outside might just be OK. Our adult son was home also.


----------



## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> I guess I am just trying to understand. I have to make a choice whether her recent actions are acceptable to me. An unplanned visit with inviting him into the entryway because she needed to review paperwork and it was cold/sleeting outside might just be OK. Our adult son was home also.


How are you finding having to weigh every action like this? I can't help but think this is eventually going to drive you insane.


----------



## BruceBanner

MAJDEATH said:


> Question for long-term married ladies: can women have no or very little interest in sex, but still crave platonic attention from men? She was abondoned by her Dad at 11.
> 
> I will talk to my counselor about it.


Maybe she's a narcissist who likes feeling like she has control over people or maybe she just doesn't want to have sex with YOU? Regardless platonic and sexual love are not one in the same quite the opposite in fact.


----------



## BioFury

MAJDEATH said:


> I guess I am just trying to understand. I have to make a choice whether her recent actions are acceptable to me. An unplanned visit with inviting him into the entryway because she needed to review paperwork and it was cold/sleeting outside might just be OK. Our adult son was home also.


I don't think there is much to understand about inviting the guy in, so I'm assuming you're referring to your wife's behavior in general.

If you decide you weren't ok with what she did, will she care and make the necessary adjustments to her actions in the future? I would naturally assume that you've voiced your distaste for her flirty behavior, and encouraging other men, plenty of times in the past. Yet she appears to still be doing it. If you're not willing to leave, or do _something_ to punish her for acting inappropriately, then why should she listen to you?

So what will you do, if you determine that her behavior was not ok? What will you do if she does it again? You need to have boundaries. There _must _be negative consequences for her treating you poorly.

I know you get this question a lot, and rather disrespectfully at times, but what is it that you find particularly special about your wife? Why do you fight so hard for her, considering the relative lack of effort on her part?


----------



## MAJDEATH

BioFury said:


> I don't think there is much to understand about inviting the guy in, so I'm assuming you're referring to your wife's behavior in general.
> 
> If you decide you weren't ok with what she did, will she care and make the necessary adjustments to her actions in the future? I would naturally assume that you've voiced your distaste for her flirty behavior, and encouraging other men, plenty of times in the past. Yet she appears to still be doing it. If you're not willing to leave, or do _something_ to punish her for acting inappropriately, then why should she listen to you?
> 
> So what will you do, if you determine that her behavior was not ok? What will you do if she does it again? You need to have boundaries. There _must _be negative consequences for her treating you poorly.
> 
> *I know you get this question a lot, and rather disrespectfully at times, but what is it that you find particularly special about your wife? Why do you fight so hard for her, considering the relative lack of effort on her part?*


I don't understand why some on this forum think I am "fighting" for her. I ask questions, especially in the long-term success in marriage forum to see if my thinking is off track in someway when some situations occur. Some have responded that this is really a non-issue, even given some events that happened years ago. Others believe it is a concern. Thanks to both groups for your opinions. I will take it to heart and do what I feel is best. 

In this situation, I feel no harm will come and actually we have both met with Sam and have agreed to work for his campaign (part-time). I did speak with him privately to convey my boundaries and other "ground rules" for our participation. He agreed and we got down to more strategy/goal discussions.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

MAJDEATH said:


> I guess I am just trying to understand. I have to make a choice whether her recent actions are acceptable to me. An unplanned visit with inviting him into the entryway because she needed to review paperwork and it was cold/sleeting outside might just be OK. Our adult son was home also.



You just keep busily rearranging those deck chairs on the Titanic, don't you? :frown2:


----------



## Blondilocks

MAJDEATH said:


> I don't understand why some on this forum think I am "fighting" for her. I ask questions, especially in the long-term success in marriage forum to see if my thinking is off track in someway when some situations occur. Some have responded that this is really a non-issue, even given some events that happened years ago. Others believe it is a concern. Thanks to both groups for your opinions. I will take it to heart and do what I feel is best.
> 
> In this situation, I feel no harm will come and actually we have both met with Sam and have agreed to work for his campaign (part-time). I did speak with him privately to convey my boundaries and other "ground rules" for our participation. He agreed and we got down to more strategy/goal discussions.


You don't need a forum for you to bounce ideas off of for you to decide what is and isn't acceptable to you in your marriage. What you need to do is to DECIDE. Marriage by committee is a crap marriage.


----------



## jlg07

MAJDEATH said:


> In this situation, I feel no harm will come and actually we have both met with Sam and have agreed to work for his campaign (part-time). I did speak with him privately to convey my boundaries and other "ground rules" for our participation. He agreed and we got down to more strategy/goal discussions.


With your wife as she is, do you think this is a good idea? Will she ever have to work on it WITHOUT you being there? He may understand your boundaries, but doesn't mean he will abide by them, esp. if your wife is attractive and flirty.


----------



## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> I don't understand why some on this forum think I am "fighting" for her. I ask questions, especially in the long-term success in marriage forum to see if my thinking is off track in someway when some situations occur. Some have responded that this is really a non-issue, even given some events that happened years ago. Others believe it is a concern. Thanks to both groups for your opinions. I will take it to heart and do what I feel is best.
> 
> In this situation, I feel no harm will come and actually we have both met with Sam and have agreed to work for his campaign (part-time). I did speak with him privately to convey my boundaries and other "ground rules" for our participation. He agreed and we got down to more strategy/goal discussions.


It is EXTREMELY odd to have to speak privately with someone ground rules regarding your WIFE. It is pure whacky. The only reason you "have" to do this is you don't (can't?) trust your wife. You really want to live like that? I guess you do.


----------



## MAJDEATH

She'sStillGotIt said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> 
> I guess I am just trying to understand. I have to make a choice whether her recent actions are acceptable to me. An unplanned visit with inviting him into the entryway because she needed to review paperwork and it was cold/sleeting outside might just be OK. Our adult son was home also.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You just keep busily rearranging those deck chairs on the Titanic, don't you? <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_sad.png" border="0" alt="" title="Frown" ></a>
Click to expand...

There is never a lack of naysayers on the TAM forums. But I am prepared for that.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Blondilocks said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> 
> I don't understand why some on this forum think I am "fighting" for her. I ask questions, especially in the long-term success in marriage forum to see if my thinking is off track in someway when some situations occur. Some have responded that this is really a non-issue, even given some events that happened years ago. Others believe it is a concern. Thanks to both groups for your opinions. I will take it to heart and do what I feel is best.
> 
> In this situation, I feel no harm will come and actually we have both met with Sam and have agreed to work for his campaign (part-time). I did speak with him privately to convey my boundaries and other "ground rules" for our participation. He agreed and we got down to more strategy/goal discussions.
> 
> 
> 
> You don't need a forum for you to bounce ideas off of for you to decide what is and isn't acceptable to you in your marriage. What you need to do is to DECIDE. Marriage by committee is a crap marriage.
Click to expand...

So you tell me (in a post on a forum) that I shouldn't ask questions in a post on a forum? That makes sense.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Sam and his gf came over for dinner and work on the campaign (debate prep) last week. Everything is going fine in our working relationship. I think his gf wanted to see who he was spending some time with. She is also working on the campaign.


----------



## Blondilocks

MAJDEATH said:


> So you tell me (in a post on a forum) that I shouldn't ask questions in a post on a forum? That makes sense.


I'm telling you that at some point you are going to have to establish boundaries and consequences for the breaking of those boundaries and enforce said consequences. You've been seeking advice on how to handle your wife's indiscretions rolleyes for over 3 years. Is this going to be your SOP for the rest of your life?


----------



## turnera

MAJDEATH said:


> Question for long-term married ladies: can women have no or very little interest in sex, but still crave platonic attention from men? She was abondoned by her Dad at 11.
> 
> I will talk to my counselor about it.


I was abandoned by my dad at 12. I have NO interest in sex; if I never had to do it again, I'd die happy. I do enjoy having conversations with some men. Not all. I can name on one hand the men I've become friends with - I have high standards for what men I'd be friends with. But the ones I've chosen are gems. Good people.

From what I've read, your wife doesn't have that same level of high standards. Politician? Yech.


----------



## turnera

MAJDEATH said:


> I guess I am just trying to understand. I have to make a choice whether her recent actions are acceptable to me. An unplanned visit with inviting him into the entryway because she needed to review paperwork and it was cold/sleeting outside might just be OK. Our adult son was home also.


If they were acceptable, you wouldn't be here asking.


----------



## turnera

MAJDEATH said:


> Sam and his gf came over for dinner and work on the campaign (debate prep) last week. Everything is going fine in our working relationship. I think his gf wanted to see who he was spending some time with. She is also working on the campaign.


So she doesn't trust him either.


----------



## turnera

Blondilocks said:


> I'm telling you that at some point you are going to have to establish boundaries and consequences for the breaking of those boundaries and enforce said consequences. You've been seeking advice on how to handle your wife's indiscretions rolleyes for over 3 years. Is this going to be your SOP for the rest of your life?


Agreed.

HAVE you discussed boundaries and consequences? That is THE #1 need for a healthy marriage. Boundaries mean nothing if there is no consequence.


----------



## MAJDEATH

I think in this case my initial gut instinct was wrong. Everything seems fine for now. We have now met many other ladies working on the campaign. Election is in April and he is leading in the polls.


----------



## MAJDEATH

turnera said:


> Blondilocks said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm telling you that at some point you are going to have to establish boundaries and consequences for the breaking of those boundaries and enforce said consequences. You've been seeking advice on how to handle your wife's indiscretions (<a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Roll Eyes (Sarcastic)" ></a>) for over 3 years. Is this going to be your SOP for the rest of your life?
> 
> 
> 
> Agreed.
> 
> HAVE you discussed boundaries and consequences? That is THE #1 need for a healthy marriage. Boundaries mean nothing if there is no consequence.
Click to expand...

Yes we have, and it is acceptable to her and I.


----------



## turnera

What's acceptable? Having no contact with other men? Didn't she just cross that line?


----------



## MAJDEATH

It wasn't "No contact with other men", but rather limited or "pre-approved" contact outside of normal daily interactions.


----------



## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> It wasn't "No contact with other men", but rather limited or "pre-approved" contact outside of normal daily interactions.


In my world, having a politician show up on the doorstep IS normal daily interaction. Have you considered holding her accountable for her behavior? Or is that so doomed to fail that you have to put up other gimmicks to protect "the marriage", such as it is?


----------



## turnera

So what is the nature of the two of you volunteering for him? Always together?


----------



## MAJDEATH

turnera said:


> So what is the nature of the two of you volunteering for him? Always together?


Mostly it's me going to campaign events by the competition and preparing a report. And she reviews campaign ads, signage, website content via e-mail.


----------



## turnera

Ok, that seems safe enough.


----------

