# Just found out about wife's affair



## Brokenman70

Married 24 years We have been having issues for a while. Every once in a while my wife and I would have arguments and then we'd kiss and make up. Im not an angel, I drink 5-6 days a week after I get back from work. I'll have 6-8 beers. So I really have left her feeling lonely. I noticed that our that past year she was friend with an old boyfriend on facebook, she said they are just friends and that was it. I also noticed that phone numbers from a different area code were showing up about once a moth on the cell phone call log. It was him, the ex. Well recently my wife said she was going to visit a friend in a city about 3 hours away, then she was going to meet up with her relatives 2 hours away from that city the next day. She made a semi-legit story about the first place she stayed, I know she was at her relatives the next day cuz i spoke with them. Well today she came clean cuz I saw 3 phone calls to her phone from the ex the day she went out of town and I asked her if she had seen and and she said yes. Then i asked if she slept with him and she admitted that she went to his apartment and spent the night. I asked if she had seen him before and she said only once a few months ago and slept with him. I asked if she loved him and she said they were just friends. She told me she wanted a divorce 2 weeks ago. I changed immediately 2 weeks ago and quit drinking. So now I am numb with her infidelity and I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I told her I am willing to forget and that I can get past this and I love her. I'm hurting!


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## Rubix Cubed

Sorry you're going through this, but it's obvious she is done. Do not sacrifice your integrity by playing the "pick me" game. Besides losing your integrity, it never works. Women see it as weak and are not attracted to weak men. let her have her High School fantasy, and get through the divorce as quickly as possible. After her fantasyland implodes and the divorce is done and dusted, if you still feel any attraction (I wouldn't) to her you can date and let her compete with the rest of the eligible women for you. Take strong action immediately and you will be better for it in the long run.


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## Evinrude58

You’re hurting. She’s not.

She’s been detaching from you for a long time.
It’s all fresh to you.

What to do to get her back?
Nothing. She’s already gone.
Too late to stop the drinking for her.
She’ll see it as a weak attempt to straighten up, then you’ll go back to your old ways. You probably would.

The good news is that your life is not over. It’s just going to change. How it changes is up to you.

Your best bet is to file for divorce, tell her you love her, and wish her happiness.
Then move on.

You can find another woman just like millions of other men have done.

Btw, your wife is lying. They’ve had far more sex than she admits, and she has zero feelings for you. 

I’m sorry. You must man up and move on.
Every second you pursue her she will run farther away. If you wanted her back, the beat chance would still be to divorce and mice on. Begging, pleading, chasing—- that has the exact opposite effect. Really. Every time. They run.
If you file and move on, she will respect you, and you will be forcing her bf to step up and fill the role of provider/security.
There’s a good chance he doesn’t want that, or sux at it.

Stop thinking about her. Look up the 180.
Not to get her back, but yo help you move forward.


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## Middle of Everything

She should have divorced you for being an alcoholic before seeking out old boyfriend.


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## ABHale

Brokenman70 said:


> Married 24 years We have been having issues for a while. Every once in a while my wife and I would have arguments and then we'd kiss and make up. Im not an angel, I drink 5-6 days a week after I get back from work. I'll have 6-8 beers. So I really have left her feeling lonely. I noticed that our that past year she was friend with an old boyfriend on facebook, she said they are just friends and that was it. I also noticed that phone numbers from a different area code were showing up about once a moth on the cell phone call log. It was him, the ex. Well recently my wife said she was going to visit a friend in a city about 3 hours away, then she was going to meet up with her relatives 2 hours away from that city the next day. She made a semi-legit story about the first place she stayed, I know she was at her relatives the next day cuz i spoke with them. Well today she came clean cuz I saw 3 phone calls to her phone from the ex the day she went out of town and I asked her if she had seen and and she said yes. Then i asked if she slept with him and she admitted that she went to his apartment and spent the night. I asked if she had seen him before and she said only once a few months ago and slept with him. I asked if she loved him and she said they were just friends. She told me she wanted a divorce 2 weeks ago. I changed immediately 2 weeks ago and quit drinking. So now I am numb with her infidelity and I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I told her I am willing to forget and that I can get past this and I love her. I'm hurting!


Wrong move. Your showing weakness, wrong thing to show. 

Don’t be an ass. At the same time don’t be a doormat. Have some self respect and move forward improving yourself. Tell her to file when she wants and see a lawyer for yourself. You will not win her back playing the choose me game. 

If it was myself, I would file for divorce and never look back.


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## badmemory

Brokenman70 said:


> I told her I am willing to forget and that I can get past this and I love her. I'm hurting!


I know you're hurting broken. That hurt you're experiencing is what causes newly betrayed spouses to make mistakes they will later regret. And you telling her that you're willing to forget and get past this is a huge one.

The first thing to realize is that her cheating is not your fault. It's 100% on her. So you were a neglectful husband. She could have "talked" or "walked" instead of making the cowardly, immoral, and selfish decision to break her wedding vows. Her cheating changes everything. Past marital issues now go in the background, to be revisited only if your wife demonstrates genuine remorse and earns her second chance. Telling her what you told her is weak. It tells her that you're willing to be her plan B. It will cause her to disrespect you and convince her that she can avoid the consequences of her actions. And that's the worst thing that can happen if you want the best chance at reconciling.

As long as she's wanting a divorce and as long as she shows no remorse; your best strategy is to start the divorce process yourself and let her know that her cheating is THE issue. She needs to feel what it's like to have her husband leave her for cheating. That's the only chance she'll come around if she does at all. Doing the "pick me" dance never works. All that does is make her lose respect for you, and with that, attraction.

Implement the 180 to detach, put her out of you bedroom, and go see an attorney to plan your exit. Then wait and watch. If she doesn't turn around, complete the D and move on with your life. 

Keep posting.


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## anchorwatch

You quit drinking 2 weeks ago? You're willing to forget and get past this? Forget what... her stepping out on your dysfunction?

You make it pretty hard for someone to be empathetic towards your predicament, @Brokenman70. 

Not much you can do about her. She has moved on, as heartbreaking as she did it. Not to say cheating is okay... This is how she gets to forget and get past your drinking most days of the week and abandoning her in the marriage. 

Let her go and get about focusing on getting yourself well. You have a lot of work to do. 

Get to a meeting and introduce yourself as a newcomer! Start working your way back. 



Best


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## Rubix Cubed

Brokenman70 said:


> I told her I am willing to forget and that I can get past this and I love her. I'm hurting!


 This will just give her justification to cheat even more ... and she will bet on it.


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## badmemory

anchorwatch said:


> You quit drinking 2 weeks ago? You're willing to forget and get past this? Forget what... her stepping out on your dysfunction? You make it pretty hard for someone to be empathetic towards your predicament, @Brokenman70. This is how she gets to forget and get past your drinking most days of the week and abandoning her in the marriage.
> 
> *Not to say cheating is okay..*.


I don't know anchorwatch; sounds likes that's what you're saying to me.


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## anchorwatch

badmemory said:


> I don't know anchorwatch; sounds likes that's what you're saying to me.


Thank you, for that. I apologize if it comes off that way. I don't condone cheating in any form. It's not a functional way to put anything right. 

I don't condone getting drunk/buzzed every night, cheating your spouse out of a real marriage either. I've seen that behavior destroy lives, marriages, and families way more often than adultery. More times then I care to remember. I will help him move forward if he wants it, but he's not getting a sympathetic pass from me. 

Best


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## Vinnydee

You are a textbook case as to why wives have affairs. My wife's best friend was the same. Thought that since he just drank beer he was not an alcoholic. She kicked him out after they had a baby and he took the baby to a bar so he could drink while babysitting. 

Wives need to feel desirable, sexy, attractive and be treated like they were before marriage. I make my wife feel desired every day of the week. I touch her intimately and tell her how I would like to toss her down on a bed and have my way with her. We go out on dates so other guys can look at her and make her feel desirable to other men too. My wife knows that I want her and still treat her the same way as I did before we got married.


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## MyRevelation

Jesus people get a grip. What OP describes is not alcoholic behavior. It may be a little much, but 6-8 beers doesn’t make you a drunk.

His WW just cheated on him. Let’s not hang the victim here.


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## GusPolinski

Pick your balls up off the floor, quit drinking, and file for divorce first thing tomorrow morning.

Geez.


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## anchorwatch

MyRevelation said:


> Jesus people get a grip. What OP describes is not alcoholic behavior. It may be a little much, but 6-8 beers doesn’t make you a drunk.
> 
> His WW just cheated on him. Let’s not hang the victim here.


We'll have to disagree, Rev. Six to eight beers, five to six nights a week is an alcoholic.


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## Affaircare

@Brokenman70, 

It can be a pretty tough crowd here, and many of the responders so far have been gents. How about a reply from a female of the species who was formerly disloyal (moi)? 

The first thing I'd recommend is pragmatic: go get yourself some lotioned kleenex and several cans of soup. The lotioned kleenex is because you are about to do a LOT of crying, and if you don't have lotion, you'll chap your eyelids and your nose with normal kleenex. Then you'll have salty tears in chapped skin and it will hurt like the ****ens. The soup is because you will not feel like eating anything and you will have a huge lump in your throat anyway so that swallowing is hard...and yet somehow you have to go to work and take care of the house, etc. So get some soup--it's warm and you can swallow it and at least keep your strength up some. 

Next, speaking from a lady's point of view, begging and pleading and promising to change are not going to be viewed well. You will come off as weak and implausible at best, because she will think "Yeah yeah I've heard it all before and I'm not falling for it again!" I'm not saying that is true--but I'll bet you money she will think that. Only you can decide if you want to reconcile or not, so I'm not even going to make a suggestion either way for you to R or D...BUT I am going to recommend that you take a very deep breath, remember who you, remember your value and self-worth, and then approach this entirely differently. 

By doing the begging-pleading-pick me dance, you very literally radiate weakness. What I would suggest feels counter-intuitive, but if nothing else I believe it will do you some personal good and may (MAY) at least shock her into opening her eyes...and that is to pack her bags (all of it), sit her down, and let her know that she's your WIFE, you LOVE HER, but you will not share her even 1% and she either dumps her OM right now tonight...or she picks up her things and she is out of the house tonight. There is no "gradually letting him down" or not hurting him, because she has moral and legal obligations to you and you expect her to honor her responsibilities, period. If she chooses to NOT honor her promises, then she will be the one leaving because YOU have respected the vows you made, and YOU will be staying in the marital house with the marital property and kids because you have fulfilled your responsibilities by the way you lived! If she no longer wants to keep her promises, that's something she can choose, but not here!! Also, just state as a fact that she is your WIFE, you made promises to her, and you will not let the marriage die without a fight...if that's what it takes to save it (and if that's how you feel). If you decide to divorce, just state as a fact that she WAS your wife, and that her choice to commit adultery (yes, use that word) is the action that destroyed the marriage. You may not have been a saint @Brokenman70, but drinking a 6-pack after work does not demolish a marriage--adultery that is ongoing DOES!

When you approach her like that, you let her know that you value yourself more than to allow her to treat you like that. You aren't controlling her--she gets to choose if she wants to be a floozy or not--but you are saying that you will not accept a floozy as a life partner. She can choose if she wants to be your life partner and straighten up (and then you two could work on it) or if she wants to be a floozy and lose you. That's the deal. 

I suspect she feels like you don't care. I suspect she feels lonely or neglected or like "it's too far gone." If you act like "please take me back" you look like you are needy and would choke her; if you act like "I won't accept anything less than what you promised to me" you look like you are strong and might be able to help her come back from the edge. 

Please take what is helpful and let go of the rest.


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## Brokenman70

I had a long talk with her and told her that I loved her and would do anything for her. She went on a rant saying that I haven't listened to her in the past 24 years and I never took her seriously..I told her in my mind everything was fine.. She'd get mad about something and then we had sex and in my mind everything was fine, but in hers, we never talked about it.. She said she didn't think she has it in her heart to take me back, so then I reiterated that I love her and I've made changes but I can't force her to accept me.. So then I said we need to do what we need to do and that's get attorneys and sell our assets including our almost paid for home.. Btw, not sure how important it is, but I make 10x her salary. And that we prob need to get on it ASAP..I saw her face change once I said this.. Also told her I hope she's happy with her future.. Boy she changed up her tone


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## skerzoid

1. The saying around here is you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. *She has to believe this.*

2. *Lawyer up and have her served*. This can be stopped at any point. Watch her actions, not what she says.

3. *STD check for both of you.* No sex until this gets settled. A judge would say that you have forgiven her. You lose.

4. *No Contact letter written* and sent after being approved by you.

5. *AA for you.* You have an addiction.

6. *No more "Pick me dance"* ( Oh please honey, I'll change. I love you. Oh Boo Hoo! Please stay with me!) Women are sickened by that. Pathetic.

7. *Read about the "180"* and practice it consistently.

8. *Women are attracted to men who are strong, courageous, and decisive.* So far, you haven't shown any of this. Better get it up buddy, or else be prepared to move on.


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## Brokenman70

Where is this "180" everyone is talking about


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## Affaircare

It's in my signature...


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## oldshirt

MyRevelation said:


> What OP describes is not alcoholic behavior. It may be a little much, but 6-8 beers doesn’t make you a drunk..


Yes it is and yes it does. 


His first priority needs to be to dry out and sober up and get himself cleaned up.


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## Brokenman70

I agree and I'm working on that.. Also read the 180 and I have been doing mostly the opposite. I love this woman she's been my highschool sweetheart.. It's very hard for me to cope with her infidelity


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## colingrant

1) Just because you drink, doesn't mean it was the cause of her affair. Don't project. 

2) You are 50% of thee marriage issues, but 0% of her infidelity. Everyone copes with unhappy marriages differently. Infidelity is the most egregious, short of killing a spouse. That was her coping mechanism an either she sees this and agrees to fix it or she disagrees with it and sees you as the problem. If it's the latter, it's best to move on.

3) You kind of did the worst thing possible. You assumed blame for HER affair and offered reconciliation despite her unfaithfulness. Basically you rewarded her. You must correct YOUR thinking if you expect or want her to correct her thinking. Your assumption of blame and offering of reconciliation and changing, basically gave her the comfort level she needed to take her time with the ending the affair or even dragging it out, as your words of asking for forgiveness, has placed her in control. Ideally, she should be frightful (if she still loves you and wants to be married to you) of you leaving her, but your offer to change and reconcile has removed the fear of losing you motivation. That fear is a strong, strong card that must be kept in the back pocket of the BS. You played it so, it's out there. But this is life and it can be taken back. Your choice here, but if you want to gain control of your future, you have to rethink this very hard.


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## Evinrude58

If you show one speck of weakness and don’t go nuclear on your cheating wife, she will literally laugh in your face and tell you how disgusting YOU are. She won’t even acknowledge the fact that she cheated which is exactly what she just showed you.

I’m sorry I ****ed the guy? Nope.
She is the aggressor.

You’d better wise up. 

Fight. Don’t beg and cower.
You be the aggressor.


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## Brokenman70

I did stands my ground and said we should start the selling of our assets including the house..I don't want to rebuy my house back from her.. Just still it and take half.. I'm my heart selling and divorce is not at all what I want to do, but I'm trying you stand my ground and show her some reality..


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## Sparta

Look if you want to better outcome for yourself.? Then you need to start taking direction from the Good people of TAM and start following it. Get rid of her she lied to you she cheated on you she’s no good she’s got a win you back, how about that. Remember you did not cheat she did I would tell her she needs to leave. You’ve got to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. I don’t know why you would.? she’s cheater and liar, She’s a broken POS send her on her way.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy

Your wife did the cost to benefit analysis of your feelings, your health, your welfare against her ****ing around- and her ****ing around won out. She planned her numerous encounters, she decided to execute them, she enjoyed them and continue(s) to do so to this day. 

You. Didn't. Matter. 
She. Didn't. Care. 
What else do you need to know?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

My advice to you is to “knock her legs out from under her” so to speak. How do you do that you ask? Well, you have made the initial step by telling her you want to sell the house. Secondly, consult your lawyer, know your rights and what you will be on the hook for financially , file for divorce and have her served.( shock n awe) Let her know you mean serious business.

I would also encourage you to ask her to vacate the home and go live with her AP. Tell her you really wish her happiness so you are letting her be with the man of her choice. Be indifferent as hell. 

Next, your stock answer to her when she complains about you, “sorry you feel that way”. When she says something disparaging about you, your response should be “ unacceptable “. 

You cannot show weakness. Show force and determination to get out of infidelity. Do not do the damn pick me dance. There Is nothing more pathetic than a man doing the pick me dance.


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## colingrant

If she takes you up or even considers your offer to sell the house and split asset, then she is not special and is certainly undeserving of being your wife. Don't fall for the, I'm confused bs. Make the decision for her. You know, lots threads and posts on TAM that speak of reconciliation, blah, blah, blah. I'm all for it, but you know what? Sometimes people marry the wrong person and they don't know it until shyt happens. Very few people concede this though. It's always, fight for her, fight for the marriage, etc. I say, sometimes walk away and don't fight for someone who quite possibly or even probably isn't even worthy of fighting for. Fight for yourself and kids, but not for a morally corrupt individual who was unable to care for the heart you placed in there hands. Your heart and your kids. What greater value in life is than that. 

I was cheated on twice with fiance's. I didn't fight for jack, as I concluded they showed their colors and for whatever reason, I didn't see it the first time around. I didn't fight because I reasoned (f'n quickly) they simply weren't the right ones, regardless how much I loved them, how nice, how beautiful, how sexy, etc. ......... I was history the moment I realized my fiance's (plural)  had given up what I thought was only mines. I'm now happily married for 25 years and the previous fiance's can't hold a f'n candle to my wife. I didn't know it at the time though because love blinds people,which is understandable. Sometimes, it's best to allow people walk, or better yet, you walk away if needed.


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## ABHale

Brokenman70 said:


> I agree and I'm working on that.. Also read the 180 and I have been doing mostly the opposite. I love this woman she's been my highschool sweetheart.. It's very hard for me to cope with her infidelity


The 180 is used to break the bonds that bind. So you can walk away in the end. It isn’t used to fix a relationship. 

You have to decide to man up and divorce your wife or man up and demand respect to reconcile. Your wife will never R if you do respect yourself. 

Read NO MORE MR NICE GUY. 

Yes you messed up your marriage by not being there for your wife. That is no excuse for her to cheat on you.


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## colingrant

You're getting solid, experienced driven advice here. What steps you take can always be debated, but what's not debatable is the importance of being strong, decisive and calculating. Any sign of weakness at this stage is profoundly impactful on the outcome. If you are mad first and sad second, you will be okay. If you are sad and not mad, you will be taken through the ringer and back. WS are merciless. They don't have a care in the world except themselves. Everyone else is in the way, including you. This is why you have to look out for you and only you (and kids if you have them). If you look out for you, her and the marriage, she'll take you on a ride you'll never forget. And the ride will only stop, once you step off. This is your choice.


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## farsidejunky

Brokenman70 said:


> I did stands my ground and said we should start the selling of our assets including the house..I don't want to rebuy my house back from her.. Just still it and take half.. I'm my heart selling and divorce is not at all what I want to do, but I'm trying you stand my ground and show her some reality..


Too bad it's a bluff.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## PreRaph

Affaircare said:


> @Brokenman70,
> 
> It can be a pretty tough crowd here, and many of the responders so far have been gents. How about a reply from a female of the species who was formerly disloyal (moi)?
> 
> The first thing I'd recommend is pragmatic: go get yourself some lotioned kleenex and several cans of soup. The lotioned kleenex is because you are about to do a LOT of crying, and if you don't have lotion, you'll chap your eyelids and your nose with normal kleenex. Then you'll have salty tears in chapped skin and it will hurt like the ****ens. The soup is because you will not feel like eating anything and you will have a huge lump in your throat anyway so that swallowing is hard...and yet somehow you have to go to work and take care of the house, etc. So get some soup--it's warm and you can swallow it and at least keep your strength up some.
> 
> Next, speaking from a lady's point of view, begging and pleading and promising to change are not going to be viewed well. You will come off as weak and implausible at best, because she will think "Yeah yeah I've heard it all before and I'm not falling for it again!" I'm not saying that is true--but I'll bet you money she will think that. Only you can decide if you want to reconcile or not, so I'm not even going to make a suggestion either way for you to R or D...BUT I am going to recommend that you take a very deep breath, remember who you, remember your value and self-worth, and then approach this entirely differently.
> 
> By doing the begging-pleading-pick me dance, you very literally radiate weakness. What I would suggest feels counter-intuitive, but if nothing else I believe it will do you some personal good and may (MAY) at least shock her into opening her eyes...and that is to pack her bags (all of it), sit her down, and let her know that she's your WIFE, you LOVE HER, but you will not share her even 1% and she either dumps her OM right now tonight...or she picks up her things and she is out of the house tonight. There is no "gradually letting him down" or not hurting him, because she has moral and legal obligations to you and you expect her to honor her responsibilities, period. If she chooses to NOT honor her promises, then she will be the one leaving because YOU have respected the vows you made, and YOU will be staying in the marital house with the marital property and kids because you have fulfilled your responsibilities by the way you lived! If she no longer wants to keep her promises, that's something she can choose, but not here!! Also, just state as a fact that she is your WIFE, you made promises to her, and you will not let the marriage die without a fight...if that's what it takes to save it (and if that's how you feel). If you decide to divorce, just state as a fact that she WAS your wife, and that her choice to commit adultery (yes, use that word) is the action that destroyed the marriage. You may not have been a saint @Brokenman70, but drinking a 6-pack after work does not demolish a marriage--adultery that is ongoing DOES!
> 
> When you approach her like that, you let her know that you value yourself more than to allow her to treat you like that. You aren't controlling her--she gets to choose if she wants to be a floozy or not--but you are saying that you will not accept a floozy as a life partner. She can choose if she wants to be your life partner and straighten up (and then you two could work on it) or if she wants to be a floozy and lose you. That's the deal.
> 
> I suspect she feels like you don't care. I suspect she feels lonely or neglected or like "it's too far gone." If you act like "please take me back" you look like you are needy and would choke her; if you act like "I won't accept anything less than what you promised to me" you look like you are strong and might be able to help her come back from the edge.
> 
> Please take what is helpful and let go of the rest.



Please take Affaircare's advice. Hers is a fantastic post. 

OP: You are still in alcohol withdrawal and you are not even close to thinking straight. You don't sober up in a week or two. It takes a lot longer than that. If I were her, I wouldn't believe you either, but right now you have no choice but to get your head on straight. Go see a doctor and a therapist now to help get you off the drink, and tell your wife straight that you will not put up with adultery, no matter how much you love her, just as Affaircare explained.


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## badmemory

Brokenman70 said:


> but I'm trying you stand my ground and show her some reality..


By telling her you love her and will do anything for her? By having sex with her? You're all over the place Broken.

*Read the 180 again. Memorize the 180. Do the 180.*


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## Rubix Cubed

farsidejunky said:


> Too bad it's a bluff.


 And likely to get called.


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## Bobby5000

Unfortunately his drinking caused significant problems. Right now, its her call about whether she wants to go on. I disagree with the 180 in this context. He's sensibly offered the I'll give up drinking and forgive the infidelity if you go on and its her decision whether the take that- if not, he needs to go on with his life without her and split up assets without excessive cost.


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## Brokenman70

I told her that we need to consider getting our home into a "showable" lived in condition if we are going to sell it. She said I could have it that she didn't want it (damn if I could have recorded that)..anyways I never have cared for having $$$, but I have been blessed in that sense. I care more about our relationship. I told her that I love her and willing to work hard at marriage if we are going to reconcile and she said she wasn't sure if she could do it and that I want immediate response from her and her her words jumping for joy cuz now Im that perfect man...I said the reality is either we set to reconcile or divorce, there are no other options. She then went off saying that I want an immediate answer and I said, that I knew that it would take time, but in my mind everyday, every hour that goes by I become bitter and less emotional about this ordeal. I am leaning towards the divorce, I dont think I can forgive her for cheating. My heart says to love her, but my mind says I cant trust her.


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## Yeswecan

Brokenman70 said:


> I am leaning towards the divorce, I dont think I can forgive her for cheating. My heart says to love her, but my mind says I cant trust her.


No one would fault you for one second if you D. At this juncture you need to do what is right for you. The "we" was destroyed by your WW. You are currently "I". We are here for you!


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## Brokenman70

Yeswecan said:


> No one would fault you for one second if you D. At this juncture you need to do what is right for you. The "we" was destroyed by your WW. You are currently "I". We are here for you!


I'm new here and Im confused about all the abbreviations, Like the "WW", I figured out what EA, PA are, but some of these I can't


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## jlg07

EA -- emotional affair
PA -- Physical affair


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## BluesPower

Brokenman70 said:


> I told her that we need to consider getting our home into a "showable" lived in condition if we are going to sell it. She said I could have it that she didn't want it (damn if I could have recorded that)..anyways I never have cared for having $$$, but I have been blessed in that sense. I care more about our relationship. I told her that I love her and willing to work hard at marriage if we are going to reconcile and she said she wasn't sure if she could do it and that I want immediate response from her and her her words jumping for joy cuz now Im that perfect man...I said the reality is either we set to reconcile or divorce, there are no other options. She then went off saying that I want an immediate answer and I said, that I knew that it would take time, but in my mind everyday, every hour that goes by I become bitter and less emotional about this ordeal. I am leaning towards the divorce, I dont think I can forgive her for cheating. My heart says to love her, but my mind says I cant trust her.


What is it going to take for you to understand that you are doing every single thing wrong? 

What is it going to take for you to understand that you are being a weak beta doormat?

Would you please respond to these questions?


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## Mommame2

Brokenman70 said:


> I'm new here and Im confused about all the abbreviations, Like the "WW", I figured out what EA, PA are, but some of these I can't




WW = wayward wife. BS = betrayed spouse.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Yeswecan

Brokenman70 said:


> I'm new here and Im confused about all the abbreviations, Like the "WW", I figured out what EA, PA are, but some of these I can't


You will get the abbreviations before long. However, you will spend most of your time using WTF.


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## 3putt

lordmayhem said:


> List of Acronyms of Infidelity so the newbies can follow the infidelity lingo here.
> 
> WW = Wayward Wife
> WH = Wayward Husband
> WS = Wayward Spouse
> BH = Betrayed Husband
> BW = Betrayed Wife
> BS = Betrayed Spouse
> LS = Loyal Spouse
> DW = Disloyal Wife
> DH = Disloyal Husband
> DS = Disloyal Spouse
> fWW = Former Wayward Wife
> fWH = Former Wayward Husband
> fWS = Former Wayward Spouse
> OM = Other Man
> OW = Other Woman
> OMW = Other Man’s Wife
> OWH = Other Woman’s Husband
> AP = Affair Partner
> R = Reconciliation
> D = Divorce
> DDay = Discovery Day
> STBXH = Soon To Be Ex Husband
> STBXW = Soon To Be Ex Wife
> ILYBINILWY = I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You
> EA = Emotional Affair
> PA = Physical Affair
> A = Affair
> KISA = Knight In Shining Armor
> VAR = Voice Activated Recorder
> TT = Trickle Truth
> SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
> SAHD = Stay At Home Dad
> TF = Toxic Friend(s)


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## Brokenman70

BluesPower said:


> What is it going to take for you to understand that you are doing every single thing wrong?
> 
> What is it going to take for you to understand that you are being a weak beta doormat?
> 
> Would you please respond to these questions?


What am i doing wrong, I am leading towards filing for the D


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## badmemory

Brokenman70 said:


> What am i doing wrong, I am leading towards filing for the D


You are afraid to hold your wife accountable for cheating on you out of misplaced guilt. Being wishy washy about filing for divorce is not helping you. If I can tell you're bluffing, then surely your wife can.

You need to tell her this:

Look wife, I haven't been the best husband I know, but you crossed a line I could never imagine when you cheated on me. You destroyed our marriage. That's what has to be dealt with first and foremost. I'm willing to consider R, but I have to be convinced that you're 100 percent committed to our marriage, that you're willing to accept consequences for what you did, and that you are genuinely remorseful. If you are not, I'm filing for divorce. So, you can let me know now if that's the case. If she says *anything* else other than " I am"; politely excuse yourself, implement the 180, and start the divorce process.

If by some chance she does agree either now or before the D is final, you can tell her: Good, I hope you are. I love you and I want to save our marriage if possible, but understand I will need some time to be convinced of that, by your actions, before I make my decision. If I do agree to R, I promise with all my heart that I will work toward being a better husband.

Now you have a starting point to "consider" R and an exit opportunity if she doesn't do what she promissed.


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## badmemory

Double post.


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## VermiciousKnid

Brokenman70 said:


> I told her that I love her and willing to work hard at marriage if we are going to reconcile and she said she wasn't sure if she could do it


Dude, your marriage to this woman is over. She just doesn't have the heart to say it. She wants you to drive the divorce. If she feels guilty about hurting you, and it appears she does, then you can come out of this thing doing VERY well. I know you say that's not important but that's your heart talking. Your head would say otherwise and so will your lawyer.


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## Brokenman70

badmemory said:


> You are afraid to hold your wife accountable for cheating on you out of misplaced guilt. Being wishy washy about filing for divorce is not helping you. If I can tell you're bluffing, then surely your wife can.
> 
> You need to tell her this:
> 
> Look wife, I haven't been the best husband I know, but you crossed a line I could never imagine when you cheated on me. You destroyed our marriage. That's what has to be dealt with first and foremost. I'm willing to consider R, but I have to be convinced that you're 100 percent committed to our marriage, that you're willing to accept consequences for what you did, and that you are genuinely remorseful. If you are not, I'm filing for divorce. So, you can let me know now if that's the case. If she says *anything* else other than " I am"; politely excuse yourself, implement the 180, and start the divorce process.
> 
> If by some chance she does agree either now or before the D is final, you can tell her: Good, I hope you are. I love you and I want to save our marriage if possible, but understand I will need some time to be convinced of that, by your actions, before I make my decision. If I do agree to R, I promise with all my heart that I will work toward being a better husband.
> 
> Now you have a starting point to "consider" R and an exit opportunity if she doesn't do what she promissed.


I did state the fact that she broke our wedding vows and was unfaithful to me..I told her she crossed the line.. She said I didn't stick to our vows cuz I wasn't emotionally there for her.. She said her and the other guy were friends, I told her friends don't engage in sexual activity unless they are FWB.. I'm disgusted with her actions and rationale. I told her if we reconciled that she would have to sever all ties with the "friend", cuz now I know they are more than friends.. It sucks being me right now.. I'm an emotional wreck.. And my feelings are so mixed up. Im not sure I can forgive her for her affair.


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## badmemory

Brokenman70 said:


> I did state the fact that she broke our wedding vows and was unfaithful to me..I told her she crossed the line.. She said I didn't stick to our vows cuz I wasn't emotionally there for her.. She said her and the other guy were friends, I told her friends don't engage in sexual activity unless they are FWB.. I'm disgusted with her actions and rationale. I told her if we reconciled that she would have to sever all ties with the "friend", cuz now I know they are more than friends.. It sucks being me right now.. I'm an emotional wreck.. And my feelings are so mixed up. Im not sure I can forgive her for her affair.


If she believes not being emotionally available is a reason to cheat, instead of divorce, then you have no chance to reconcile successfully. Essentially she blames you. She won't accept the gravity of what she's done so she can't possibly be remorseful. She's just not R material. The sooner you accept that and get on with the D, the better for you.


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## badmemory

Brokenman70 said:


> Im not sure I can forgive her for her affair.


What does it take for you to understand Brokenman? It doesn't matter right now whether you think you can forgive her or not. *Her cheating trumps everything and she's not remorseful.* Chances are she never will be. *That's what matters right now.* You never, ever reconcile with a spouse who's *not remorseful.*


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## BluesPower

Brokenman70 said:


> What am i doing wrong, I am leading towards filing for the D


Then quit ***** footing around and get it done. 

And QUIT telling her how much you love her and you want to work it out. Everything you have done and said to her makes you look like a weak chump. Do you get that. 

She told you about your drinking, you are a drunk because the booze was more important than your marriage. 

She has an affair and NOW you quit drinking and tell her how much you love her? Really? 

Listen, I understand that you feel like you blew it with your wife. And you did. 

But she should have divorced you not had an affair. That is on her. 

And for you to wake up now and profess your love and pick now to quit drinking is just so pathetic.

You are the victim here not her. She made her choices now you make yours. 

Stay dry, get your S*** together and divorce her ASAP. 

If there was a chance to save your marriage, what you are doing now is the last thing that would help. 

If you were not going to save your marriage, every thing you are doing is still wrong. 

Get you self-respect together, pull your pants up, and move on with some dignity.

Do you see what I am saying?


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## Brokenman70

Lots of good points here guys..Im barely 2 days in the reality of infidelity and my mind is overwhelmed. I am not telling her i love her, am not in contact with her and not sleeping with her. Early next week I am going to visit an attorney.


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## anchorwatch

Are you going to go to a meeting?


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## Brokenman70

An "AA" meeting?


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## BluesPower

Brokenman70 said:


> Lots of good points here guys..Im barely 2 days in the reality of infidelity and my mind is overwhelmed. I am not telling her i love her, am not in contact with her and not sleeping with her. Early next week I am going to visit an attorney.


Look, we are not trying to get on you, so understand that. 

But in you last post you said how you said you told her you loved her. 

And look, we all know what is going on in your mind right now, most of us have been there. 

What we are saying is this: Don't talk to her. Ignore her. See a lawyer and file. 

If she changes her attitude after that you can consider thinking about it, and that is a big if. 

She had what is usually considered an exit affair, one that prepares her to leave you. Maybe with him, maybe not. 

What you have to do now is get your head together, without drinking. And that may take a few day. 

So don't talk, text or interact with her at all until you get your head together.

Get strong, stay strong...


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## Brokenman70

BluesPower said:


> Look, we are not trying to get on you, so understand that.
> 
> But in you last post you said how you said you told her you loved her.
> 
> And look, we all know what is going on in your mind right now, most of us have been there.
> 
> What we are saying is this: Don't talk to her. Ignore her. See a lawyer and file.
> 
> If she changes her attitude after that you can consider thinking about it, and that is a big if.
> 
> She had what is usually considered an exit affair, one that prepares her to leave you. Maybe with him, maybe not.
> 
> What you have to do now is get your head together, without drinking. And that may take a few day.
> 
> So don't talk, text or interact with her at all until you get your head together.
> 
> Get strong, stay strong...


Thank you guys,i appreciate the support. It's terribly hard to stay strong..I'm at work and suddenly my eyes get teary..Very hard indeed. I too was also thinking that she didn't hesitate to tell me about the affair when I asked.


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## anchorwatch

Brokenman70 said:


> An "AA" meeting?


How many days is it now without a drink?


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## MovingForward

My XW cheated it sucks but best to move on, no excuse for an affair even. 

You are thinking like it did and you need to change your mindset FAST!!!!!! 

She is the one in the wrong!!! nothing warrants an affair!! an affair is a choice to betray!!!! You dont need to do anything other than start getting finances in order, get some legal advice and file for Divorce.

If you guys are really meant for each other she should be the one fighting to keep you!!! but like I did you show weakness and let her stay in a position of power. Time to knock here down a couple pegs and take her power and choices away.


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## Brokenman70

3 weeks without alcohol


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## anchorwatch

Zero slips? Not bad... TTY in a week. 

Keep to the 180


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## Brokenman70

anchorwatch said:


> Zero slips? Not bad... TTY in a week.
> 
> Keep to the 180


I realized the event is the alcohol... It has corrupted my mind and marriage. I am hating the fact that I loved to drink alcohol. I am having a really hard emotional time right now.. How do you cope with it? I'm home alone


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## Vulcan2013

Go to an AA meeting. It’s free, and they will understand and offer support.


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## BluesPower

Brokenman70 said:


> I realized the event is the alcohol... It has corrupted my mind and marriage. I am hating the fact that I loved to drink alcohol. I am having a really hard emotional time right now.. How do you cope with it? I'm home alone





Vulcan2013 said:


> Go to an AA meeting. It’s free, and they will understand and offer support.


Yes, this is spot on. The are a lot of types of alcoholics. For you, you just had6-8 beers a night. No big deal, right, not. 

Get to some meetings. You may not be the worst alcoholic there, and those guys are way worse that you, but the bottom line is you are one. 

When you let something take over you life, you are addicted, bottom line. 

But still, none of this excuses her affair, and it never will. It may explain why she left but it will never be an excuse. 

Because there is never an excuse to have an affair...


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## oldshirt

Brokenman70 said:


> I realized the event is the alcohol... It has corrupted my mind and marriage.


You are correct on this point. Alcohol has impaired your ability to think, act, feel and respond appropriately. 

Alcohol is a chemical that impairs your brain function and you do think, behave, feel or respond to things the way a normal, healthy, chemical-free person would. 

Good on you for recognizing that alcohol is a major problem here and good on you for taking steps to correct that. 

Now it is going to take months to fully dry out and for your brain to reset itself back to healthy functioning. And you may have lifelong urges and cravings to deal with periodically. 

But getting clean and sober and getting your functioning back needs to be your #1 priority. 

Yes, get into treatment. See your doctor and get a referral to some kind of actual medical chemical treatment therapy. 

AA is great for people to help each other and hold each other accountable. But it is not an actual treatment program. You need to be evaluated by a professional chemical treatment specialist to make sure that you don't need more medically supervised treatment vs just going cold turkey. (cold turkey may be fine for you, but a professional specialist should be the one to determine that and not untrained strangers on the internet)


Focus on yourself and your recovery. 


Once you are living a clean, sober, healthy life -if your marriage is meant to be, it will fall into place. 

If it is not meant to be, that marriage may be over but you will have a whole, healthy, vigorous life ahead of you with many other options and opportunities. 


At this point Your priority needs to be getting your own life back.


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## anchorwatch

Brokenman70 said:


> I realized the event is the alcohol... It has corrupted my mind and marriage. I am hating the fact that I loved to drink alcohol. I am having a really hard emotional time right now.. How do you cope with it? I'm home alone


One step at a time. Even if its just getting through an hour, each hour adds up into days. Figure out what you have control over and what you don't. You let go of what you can't control and work on what you can. 

As for the drink and emotions... Don't be that tough guy and do it alone. If you could have done it alone, you wouldn't have been here. Find an AA meeting and introduce yourself. Next, find a counselor. Till you get your legs back under you. It's been a long time since you walked free of alcohol. 

You fell asleep at the wheel and woke up after the crash. Now it's time to crawl out of the wreck and deal with the residual effects. The first thing to do is to heal yourself. You can't fully effect anything without being healthy. I can't tell you if your relationship can be repaired or if it's totaled. I can say no one worth being with is going to want to to be with you if you don't find and address the reason you were self-treating. Including yourself. 

How did you get through last night?


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## Brokenman70

I went to bed around 10, with no emotional issues.. Then I woke up around 230 am in misery crying and crying. I'm home alone cuz wife and my adult kids are visiting their Grandma. I just keep asking myself why.. Why.. Why? I've admitted that alcohol robbed me of the person that I am and robbed my family.. I'm angry towards alcohol and realize how powerful of an addiction it can have on someone..I always thought I was in control of my life..


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## Affaircare

anchorwatch said:


> One step at a time. Even if its just getting through an hour, each hour adds up into days. Figure out what you have control over and what you don't. You let go of what you can't control and work on what you can.
> 
> As for the drink and emotions... Don't be that tough guy and do it alone. If you could have done it alone, you wouldn't have been here. Find an AA meeting and introduce yourself. Next, find a counselor. Till you get your legs back under you. It's been a long time since you walked free of alcohol.


I am QFT (quoting for truth).. @anchorwatch is spot on. When my XH cheated and left me, I went 15 minutes at a time. I'd say "I'll wait 15 minutes and evaluate then..." and I could make it 15 minutes, you know? Then in 15 minutes I'd wait another 15 minutes...and another...and another and so on. Then the minutes became half hours, hours, mornings, afternoons, days, weeks...

Also I've walked into a meeting, and it's scary--that first one. I kept thinking "I don't need this" but you know what I discovered? MAN I learned a lot! I wasn't the worst one there, but I did need it! There was a lot of stuff I didn't know and it really helped me to just a) not feel like I was the only one out there in the world struggling and b) give me some topics and ideas to think about and figure out. Now my meetings were anger management meetings, and if you've ever met me you'd laugh (her? needing anger management?) but instead of being a rager, I was a stuffer until I exploded and boy I'd explode. So I learned both how to deal with my own anger in a healthier way and how to be a less co-dependent partner to a person who was a rager and an abuser. 

@Brokenman70, I also used to sleep maybe 4 hours a night if I was lucky. I still am not the world's best sleeper--6 hours is a good night--but what I did was that if I woke up, I would try relaxation and that kind of thing. If that didn't put me back to sleep, I would get up and read (preferably something boring). If that didn't put me back to sleep, usually my mind was busy so I'd journal. I had something I needed to say, so I "said it" in my journal and let it out...and often that put me back to sleep. If that didn't work, I just accepted I was up and did housework. I figured I may as well be productive! LOL However, I did learn not to vacuum in the middle of the night. I stuck to quieter productivity like reading reports or folding laundry. 

Finally, the question "Why!? WHY!!!???" That is a touch question. Here's why I say that: imagine you are fired from your job on Monday. Naturally you want to know why. Can you think of any reason they could give you where you'd say "Oh, you know, you have a good point there. I should have been fired over that. Okay thanks!" (smh) NO! Because at the time you are emotionally distraught over losing your job! There is no acceptable reason. It's the same here. Even if she told you why and it was a pretty good reason, there's nothing she could say where you'd think "Oh, that is a good reason. I see." 

So rather than use your emotional energy on "Why" I suggest that you breathe, tell yourself you're going to be okay, respect her decision (even though she acted VERY POORLY), and don't plead. Instead, you go ahead and think of the man you would LIKE TO BE and then start figuring out how you are going to go from where you are now. Think about who you truly are inside, and who you are outside and how you act...and figure out how to get your actions to line up and be in sync with your inner self. 

By the way--you're doing well? Got the lotioned kleenex and soup yet?


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## farsidejunky

Brokenman70 said:


> I went to bed around 10, with no emotional issues.. Then I woke up around 230 am in misery crying and crying. I'm home alone cuz wife and my adult kids are visiting their Grandma. I just keep asking myself why.. Why.. Why? I've admitted that alcohol robbed me of the person that I am and robbed my family.. I'm angry towards alcohol and realize how powerful of an addiction it can have on someone..I always thought I was in control of my life..


Are you mad at the alcohol? You shouldn't be.

Alcohol did not make the decision for you. This is you projecting the anger at yourself on to the alcohol.

I get it. Speaking as an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink since 2014, I understand how one can be frustrated at allowing things to go so far.

However, you're going to have to forgive yourself. And you can make amends by taking concrete actions every day to make yourself the best possible person you can be.

Get plenty of sleep. Exercise 3 to 5 times a week. Start doing some reading on self-improvement.

Figure out the type of man you want to be. Then execute. This time, you won't have the fog of alcohol to create difficulty in your trajectory.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Taxman

Dude
Make a show of strength. First report them and let them be fired. She is in HR, she should know better. Second put her out of the house. Let her know that if she wants a place to live she can move in with the AP and his wife. Third, everyone she remotely knows finds out she is fu cling around on you. Then tell her that if she wants a life, she had better smarten the hell up.

Right now she has no respect for you and she is being petulant. Screw up her world thru shock and awe. At the least you will get favourable terms in the divorce.


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## colingrant

Brokenman70 said:


> I went to bed around 10, with no emotional issues.. Then I woke up around 230 am in misery crying and crying. I'm home alone cuz wife and my adult kids are visiting their Grandma. I just keep asking myself why.. Why.. Why? I've admitted that alcohol robbed me of the person that I am and robbed my family.. I'm angry towards alcohol and realize how powerful of an addiction it can have on someone..I always thought I was in control of my life..


I commend you for addressing your personal issues, but again, don't project your issues as justifiable basis for her affair. Based on this post alone, you appear to still draw a parallel between the two. Let's look at this another way and see if this helps. Let's say you and your wife frequently argue because of her Saturday afternoon mall spending habits. 

Let's say, this has been going on since you two married. You've addressed it with her, yet it persists after years of conflict. You two argue about it incessantly, because it destabilizes the family's financial health, which is very important to you. Let's say one Saturday afternoon, she goes to Macy's and goes off, buying 3 pairs of shoes because she was depressed or whatever. 

Well, you come home, see the shoe boxes, a heated argument ensues and in the midst of it, you strike her in the face. That moment in time, changes the marriage forever. You have stuck her and therefor are considered a domestic abuser, punishable by law. Very, very serious stuff. It also reveals an underlying issue of which you may have never known existed. 

Your physical abuse was not created by her yelling at you during the argument, her inability to stay within the family budget or the 3 pairs of shoes purchased during her spending spree. It was caused because you have an issue with anger that allowed you to raise your hand at a woman AND bring it down to her face. Period. Arguing and marital financial disagreements are marital problems. 

Marital problems are common. Domestic abuse is a personal problem within the spouse inflicting it. This is NOT normal or acceptable. That person has extremely poor coping skills. In this case, it would be inappropriate for your wife to accept your physical abuse as justifiable reasoning to hit you because of her inability to follow the budget, just like you should not accept your drinking as justifiable cause for her infidelity. See the commonality here?

If you google the word abuse, you would find the definition to be commensurate with the emotional abuse experienced by betrayed spouses. We're just trading abuses here, but abuse is abuse, whether physical or emotional. So, you have been abused and the cause of the abuse is her infidelity and personal, unresolved issues in her own life that unleashed her poor coping methods.


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## Brokenman70

My alcohol abuse was the cruix of the problem for divorce.. Never have I said it caused the affair..I totally blame her for crossing that line..I feel like calling the other guy and asking what the deal is with my wife.. He's divorced, so he has no one to lose... But then if I call him, I'll give him satisfaction and he already got some of that from my wife.. I'm just angry and sad. I know it's not his fault, my wife made that decision...


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## ABHale

Still report them to hr. They screwed your world, screw there’s up as well. 

I would let your kids know and like some others have said, ask her to leave.

Someone told me this the other day, he caught his wife cheating on him. He packed her stuff while she was at work. When she go home he drove her to the OM’s house and knocked on the door. When the OM answered he told him she’s all yours and dropped her clothes at his feet and left her there. Said a few words to her in parting and she never came back to his home.


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## Marc878

Brokenman70 said:


> I went to bed around 10, with no emotional issues.. Then I woke up around 230 am in misery crying and crying. I'm home alone cuz wife and my adult kids are visiting their Grandma. I just keep asking myself why.. Why.. Why? I've admitted that alcohol robbed me of the person that I am and robbed my family.. I'm angry towards alcohol and realize how powerful of an addiction it can have on someone..I always thought I was in control of my life..


Own your issues. Alcohol isn't the problem you are. Until you stop blaming everything else for your problems you'll stay stuck where you are.

Let your wife own hers as well.


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## Brokenman70

Marc878 said:


> Own your issues. Alcohol isn't the problem you are. Until you stop blaming everything else for your problems you'll stay stuck where you are.
> 
> Let your wife own hers as well.


I am owning up to my issues.. Why do you say otherwise?


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## Marc878

Brokenman70 said:


> I went to bed around 10, with no emotional issues.. Then I woke up around 230 am in misery crying and crying. I'm home alone cuz wife and my adult kids are visiting their Grandma. I just keep asking myself why.. Why.. Why? I've admitted that alcohol robbed me of the person that I am and robbed my family.. *I'm angry towards alcohol and realize how powerful of an addiction it can have on someone*..I always thought I was in control of my life..


No one forced you to drink.


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## Brokenman70

Marc878 said:


> No one forced you to drink.


I no kidding.. Have you read all my posts..I blame my self and got into a whirlwind addiction..I clearly see that..I stopped over three weeks ago..I know that's not very long, but for me it is


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## Marc878

Brokenman70 said:


> I no kidding.. Have you read all my posts..I blame my self and got into a whirlwind addiction..I clearly see that..I stopped over three weeks ago..I know that's not very long, but for me it is


Good now stay on your path. You can get through this. You will have to make a total lifestyle change. It needs to be for you not to get your wife back.

Do not lay down and take the blame for everything. Alcoholism is a big deal. I get that. No one wants to live with a drunk. Own your part and expect her to own hers. 

Your future with or without your wife is entirely in your hands and always has been

Good luck


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## Ljwin

It’s taken me months to get my head together, so expect it to take quite a while until you’re thinking straight without emotion. If it’s an exit affair, which I think my stbxw’s was, then she’s been planning this a while. If she was co-dependant then she needed to detach from you. She’s had months to mourn the loss of your marriage while being supported by the very person she was hurting and her AP, he likely pushed her on. It sucks, big time but it’s reality! You will have been vilified and demonised. If you show the same behaviours it just validated them, this sucks too as you’ve just taken one of the biggest blows life can offer, so your reactions are that of a broken man. But they’ll use it to validate!

My biggest regret is not heeding the advice offered on these boards, I came to them late because I was on another site which pushed the whole affair fog, you can save your marriage route. No chance! It’s over, she’s checked out and you’re the bad guy now, it’s the only way she can justify what she’s done and the AP has been in her ear telling her so!

**** them! Rebuild your life, show no emotion as it will be used against you!

When my stbxw turned up outside my house after weeks of ignoring me crying in her car saying she’s got no money and the children hate her, my response was “that’s the consequences of your affair” she drove off pisssed at me. I would then email and say we’ll sort this out don’t worry. I stood firm and and it got her angry because I wasn’t the door mat she was used to. But my email said, that’s just for show come and take everything I have.

It’s taken me a long time to find my backbone. Listen to the people offering advice as they know their stuff!


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## BluesPower

Ljwin said:


> It’s taken me months to get my head together, so expect it to take quite a while until you’re thinking straight without emotion. If it’s an exit affair, which I think my stbxw’s was, then she’s been planning this a while. If she was co-dependant then she needed to detach from you. She’s had months to mourn the loss of your marriage while being supported by the very person she was hurting and her AP, he likely pushed her on. It sucks, big time but it’s reality! You will have been vilified and demonised. If you show the same behaviours it just validated them, this sucks too as you’ve just taken one of the biggest blows life can offer, so your reactions are that of a broken man. But they’ll use it to validate!
> 
> My biggest regret is not heeding the advice offered on these boards, I came to them late because I was on another site which pushed the whole affair fog, you can save your marriage route. No chance! It’s over, she’s checked out and you’re the bad guy now, it’s the only way she can justify what she’s done and the AP has been in her ear telling her so!
> 
> **** them! Rebuild your life, show no emotion as it will be used against you!
> 
> When my stbxw turned up outside my house after weeks of ignoring me crying in her car saying she’s got no money and the children hate her, my response was “that’s the consequences of your affair” she drove off pisssed at me. I would then email and say we’ll sort this out don’t worry. I stood firm and and it got her angry because I wasn’t the door mat she was used to. But my email said, that’s just for show come and take everything I have.
> 
> It’s taken me a long time to find my backbone. Listen to the people offering advice as they know their stuff!


It is gratifying to see that what we do on these boards actually does help some people. 

Good for you brother...


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## ABHale

Brokenman70 said:


> I no kidding.. Have you read all my posts..I blame my self and got into a whirlwind addiction..I clearly see that..I stopped over three weeks ago..I know that's not very long, but for me it is


Keep going. Don’t let what your wife’s actions ruin your progress.


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## Brokenman70

So it seems like everyone on here that gets cheated on here usually gets divorce and no reconciling?


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## Marc878

It happens. But it takes two. One can't do it. 

Go your own way. You try Nicing her back or start playing the "pick me dance", chase you'll just make it worse.

They have to want to come back and not for a more comfortable lifestyle.

Unless you just want to stay together

Rug sweep at your peril. But the affair must end first before you have any chance. If her other man is married inform his wife. Don't help hide their affair all you'll do is enable it further.


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## BluesPower

Brokenman70 said:


> So it seems like everyone on here that gets cheated on here usually gets divorce and no reconciling?


It looks that way, and let me tell you why. 

There are situations that marriages can reconcile, but very few. Your wife lied and probably is still in her affair even now. She wants to leave, because she thinks that her OM will take care of her and she will be happy. 

Weather or not that happens, she is done with you. She has lost all respect and attraction to you. When a woman is done with a man, affair or not, she is usually done. 

And, if you chase after her, you make yourself look weak, and pathetic, and she will have even less respect for you, if that is even possible. 

So the only thing for you to do, is stay dry, and work on yourself. You need therapy, you need help staying sober, you need help learning about yourself and becoming the best you that you can be. 

It is not something that you are doing for your wife, it is something that you have to do for yourself. 

You will be a better person for you and the next woman in your life. YOU will have a happier life once you learn to be a better you, and understand things about yourself. 

You don't do these things for your wife, in your case, she is most likely gone. 

And you can do is get your S*** together and move on with your life. 

Very, very few relationships recover from infidelity no matter how many people say in the marriage. The man or woman that took them back is weak and always gets the short end of the stick. 

Very few actually reconcile and have a good marriage, and those that do, reconcile from a position of strength not a position of weakness.

You, by saying that it is your fault that she was in a position to make that choice, which is what you really think, in saying that, you are being weak. 

Yes you had issues, but she could have done a hundred other things besides F*** another guy. 

She made that choice, she could have just left and divorced you, then that would have been your fault. 

Her cheating make all of this, her fault. 

Do this make sense to you?


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## arbitrator

*Late to the party, but your drinking was obviously the primary factor that succeeded in driving her away! It drove to ditching you and ultimately to outright betrayal!

As is, you'd be far better served by getting out of this relationship and finding true love elsewhere!

And a word of advice: Nobody needs 8 beers after a long day at work!*


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## nessa8222

Sounds like you abandoned her a long time ago and chose alcohol. Now she's found someone else. Neither is acceptable. The only way it could work was if she was truly remorseful and you both put a lot of work into rebuilding your marriage. It doesn't sound like she is, so best bet is to do as others have and file immediately. Then focus on getting yourself together so in the future you can be healthier and have healthy relationships.

Sent from my SM-S337TL using Tapatalk


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## VladDracul

badmemory said:


> If she believes not being emotionally available is a reason to cheat, instead of divorce, then you have no chance to reconcile successfully. Essentially she blames you. She won't accept the gravity of what she's done so she can't possibly be remorseful. She's just not R material. The sooner you accept that and get on with the D, the better for you.


Here's the thing men seem not to understand. Not being emotionally available, addiction, being a "yes my queen" bata male, and a host of other things, causes a woman to lose romantic interest. Loss of romantic interest causes a vacuum in a woman that will oftentimes get filled by another man. What's worse, once that vacuum occurs, the male causing it can never again fill it. "R"s are like wrecked cars. You may get a salvage title, but that's as good as its ever going to get.


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## CantBelieveThis

VladDracul said:


> Here's the thing men seem not to understand. Not being emotionally available, addiction, being a "yes my queen" bata male, and a host of other things, causes a woman to lose romantic interest. Loss of romantic interest causes a vacuum in a woman that will oftentimes get filled by another man. What's worse, once that vacuum occurs, the male causing it can never again fill it. "R"s are like wrecked cars. You may get a salvage title, but that's as good as its ever going to get.


Well, not all women are the same....mostly insecure ones are the ones likely to behave like this 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Rubix Cubed

VladDracul said:


> Here's the thing men seem not to understand. *Not being emotionally available*, addiction, *being a "yes my queen" bata male*, and a host of other things, causes a woman to lose romantic interest. Loss of romantic interest causes a vacuum in a woman that will oftentimes get filled by another man. What's worse, once that vacuum occurs, the male causing it can never again fill it. "R"s are like wrecked cars. You may get a salvage title, but that's as good as its ever going to get.


 This is a great post and so very true. 
One problem is that in the bolded you will see 2 dichotomous behaviors. If you're too beta or playing "pick me" they see you as weak, if you are too "alpha" they see you as emotionally unavailable. It's actually just one HUGE **** test, you won't pass it, and if they want to leave they will and use whatever excuse is convenient.


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## VladDracul

Rubix, the thing is when they want to leave you, the romantic interest is already gone south. When you listen carefully, the best it get from those that cheat is, "I love my husband but" (which is womanese for, "I really don't dig him anymore".

CBT, I've known a lot of WWs that were not insecure. They were competent and confident but simply tired of a second rate marriage but for numerous reasons, kids being the foremost, the timing wasn't right to walk away.


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## aine

MyRevelation said:


> Jesus people get a grip. What OP describes is not alcoholic behavior. It may be a little much, but 6-8 beers doesn’t make you a drunk.
> 
> His WW just cheated on him. Let’s not hang the victim here.


Errr, read what he wrote again. He drank 5-6 days a week, each day 6-8 beers. That makes it 36-48 beers a week. That probably does not include the drinks he had when he wasn't home. He has a problem with alcohol. That does not excuse her cheating but I bet my bottom dollar, she fought with him, cajoled him, begged him to stop and spend more time with her and he just saw a woman who was nagging him and keeping him away from his one true love (his beer). Been there done that and as a woman married to a RA it is no fun. Marriages are severely damaged by this level of drinking and neglect. I threatened to leave my husband, might have had an affair if the opportunity arose but my religious beliefs held that at bay. Being married to a drinker is hell on earth.
So I too whilst I do not agree with her methods, she should have just left, do not have a whole lot of sympathy for the OP. You knew there was a problem but only decided to clean up your act when she was gone. Learn from this and move on. treat the next one with more consideration and respect.


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## Lostinthought61

Marc878 said:


> No one forced you to drink.


No one forced her to have an affair either.


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## aine

Brokenman70 said:


> So it seems like everyone on here that gets cheated on here usually gets divorce and no reconciling?


No there can always be reconciliation if both parties agree to it. She may have used the OM as an exit affair. However, if you have an addiction, it is best you use your time to focus on getting yourself out from under its grip. Go to AA and get a sponsor and work to begin your recovery. Leave your marriage aside for now. It looks like your wife is not making any overtures to come back, so do not pursue her. Work on you first, if in the future, you are a changed man, then maybe there will be a chance at reconciliation but not without working on a programme for you and counseling for you both.


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## MyRevelation

aine said:


> Errr, read what he wrote again. He drank 5-6 days a week, each day 6-8 beers. That makes it 36-48 beers a week. That probably does not include the drinks he had when he wasn't home. He has a problem with alcohol. That does not excuse her cheating but I bet my bottom dollar, she fought with him, cajoled him, begged him to stop and spend more time with her and he just saw a woman who was nagging him and keeping him away from his one true love (his beer). Been there done that and as a woman married to a RA it is no fun. Marriages are severely damaged by this level of drinking and neglect. I threatened to leave my husband, might have had an affair if the opportunity arose but my religious beliefs held that at bay. Being married to a drinker is hell on earth.
> So I too whilst I do not agree with her methods, she should have just left, do not have a whole lot of sympathy for the OP. You knew there was a problem but only decided to clean up your act when she was gone. Learn from this and move on. treat the next one with more consideration and respect.


I see a lot of assumptions here portraying his drinking as worse than we have any evidence to support, and that is typical of someone posting with an agenda. I also see drinking being one of those agenda items that typically get exaggerated in forum posts, which isn't unusual. Once someone is bitten by some behavior they tend to see it everywhere and make it out to be worse than it probably is in the specific case at hand.

If we want to make assumptions, this could just as easily be described as someone simply picking the wrong spouse at the beginning. If drinking as a problem for this W, then she probably shouldn't have M'd someone that drinks. He likely didn't just start drinking after they M'd, but now she wants to use it as an excuse to justify her bad behaviors.

So, I'll stick by my previous stance that her A is the issue, not his drinking.


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## BluesPower

MyRevelation said:


> I see a lot of assumptions here portraying his drinking as worse than we have any evidence to support, and that is typical of someone posting with an agenda. I also see drinking being one of those agenda items that typically get exaggerated in forum posts, which isn't unusual. Once someone is bitten by some behavior they tend to see it everywhere and make it out to be worse than it probably is in the specific case at hand.
> 
> If we want to make assumptions, this could just as easily be described as someone simply picking the wrong spouse at the beginning. If drinking as a problem for this W, then she probably shouldn't have M'd someone that drinks. He likely didn't just start drinking after they M'd, but now she wants to use it as an excuse to justify her bad behaviors.
> 
> So, I'll stick by my previous stance that her A is the issue, not his drinking.


Absolutely, the affair is all on her. He wants to blame himself because of his drinking. But it is all on her. 

Now 6-8 beers 6 nights a week is an alcoholic. To say anything less would be lying.

OP knows this now and quit drinking. 

If his wife was that upset about his drinking, the she should have filed for divorce, but having an affair is out of bounds. 

Here is to deal to everyone. If you want out of your marriage, the freaking file for divorce. Because having an affair makes you a loser. 

That is how it breaks down...


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## bandit.45

Brokenman70 said:


> I realized the event is the alcohol... It has corrupted my mind and marriage. I am hating the fact that I loved to drink alcohol. I am having a really hard emotional time right now.. How do you cope with it? I'm home alone


I'm going to go off on a tangent and allow the others to counsel you an the marriage stuff. As a recovering alcoholic for twenty five years I can tell you that my alcoholism absolutely did damage my life and relationships. In your case your WW probably has had it with your bullsh*t. By no means am I saying she was right in having the affair, but from what I read from the way you say she talks to you it sounds like you wore that poor woman down. She's done my friend. You need to let her go. She needs to see to her own life and future. You need to heal yourself and become a safe person for all the people in your life. 

I know you think it is great that you have gone three weeks without a drink, but I used to do that too. I could force myself to go weeks without drinking, and then something would trigger me and I would go on a binge for months, leaving a wake of destruction behind me. 

What you are doing will not work in the long run. My recommendation is that you take a vacation from work and go to a treatment center for two weeks, not so much to dry out but to be with other alcoholics and to really learn about this disease called alcoholism...how you ended up with it, the poor coping skills you developed that have exacerbated it, and how to ultimately give in to it and understand that you cannot beat it. I personally had to come to a point where I had to give up fighting and come to an understanding that I was not strong enough to fight it alone. 

Right now you are in a boxing ring with your alcoholism trying to duke it out by yourself. It's not going to work. You are living in fear. Fear is what keeps you running to the booze for comfort. At some point you have to break the cycle.


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## Brokenman70

bandit.45 said:


> I'm going to go off on a tangent and allow the others to counsel you an the marriage stuff. As a recovering alcoholic for twenty five years I can tell you that my alcoholism absolutely did damage my life and relationships. In your case your WW probably has had it with your bullsh*t. By no means am I saying she was right in having the affair, but from what I read from the way you say she talks to you it sounds like you wore that poor woman down. She's done my friend. You need to let her go. She needs to see to her own life and future. You need to heal yourself and become a safe person for all the people in your life.
> 
> I know you think it is great that you have gone three weeks without a drink, but I used to do that too. I could force myself to go weeks without drinking, and then something would trigger me and I would go on a binge for months, leaving a wake of destruction behind me.
> 
> What you are doing will not work in the long run. My recommendation is that you take a vacation from work and go to a treatment center for two weeks, not so much to dry out but to be with other alcoholics and to really learn about this disease called alcoholism...how you ended up with it, the poor coping skills you developed that have exacerbated it, and how to ultimately give in to it and understand that you cannot beat it. I personally had to come to a point where I had to give up fighting and come to an understanding that I was not strong enough to fight it alone.
> 
> Right now you are in a boxing ring with your alcoholism trying to duke it out by yourself. It's not going to work. You are living in fear. Fear is what keeps you running to the booze for comfort. At some point you have to break the cycle.


I know I will beat this! Even if she is too far gone..I am doing this for me! Not for anyone else..you will see.


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## bandit.45

Brokenman70 said:


> I know I will beat this!


No, you won't. Because you can't. Alcoholism is not something you beat. It is a disease you learn to live with and adjust your behavior around. You live with it every day for the rest of your life, and through treatment and AA you learn to open yourself up to love and help from others to manage this dark passenger who lives with you at all times. 

I'm an alcoholic in recovery...not a recovering alcoholic. I will be an alcoholic for the rest of my life, but I am currently not drinking... because I have learned skills to manage my life in such a way that I avoid triggers and temptation when they come my way. It is a long arduous, daily process that will never end for me. The war will be over the day I die. That is what you need to understand. 

But you are not at that point yet. And that is okay. It may take you a few more years of loss and being beat down before you give in, and give up, and give yourself over to the help of others.


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## Brokenman70

Bandit, just because you lost everything is not necessarily the same for everyone else..I know my will power and can do it..I hope you don't spread your negativity to others in this board... Your reality does not necessarily project on others in similar situations.. You should be supportive to others, not bashing them because if your circumstances... And no I'm not hiding or running from this.. But when someone is willing you oughta only be supportive. Hope you never had kids, I can only imagine when they said.. Daddy I'm going to learn to ride a bike, bet you said.. No you're not, you're gonna fall down.


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## Lukedog

aine said:


> Errr, read what he wrote again. He drank 5-6 days a week, each day 6-8 beers. That makes it 36-48 beers a week. That probably does not include the drinks he had when he wasn't home. He has a problem with alcohol. That does not excuse her cheating but I bet my bottom dollar, she fought with him, cajoled him, begged him to stop and spend more time with her and he just saw a woman who was nagging him and keeping him away from his one true love (his beer). Been there done that and as a woman married to a RA it is no fun. Marriages are severely damaged by this level of drinking and neglect. I threatened to leave my husband, might have had an affair if the opportunity arose but my religious beliefs held that at bay. Being married to a drinker is hell on earth.
> So I too whilst I do not agree with her methods, she should have just left, do not have a whole lot of sympathy for the OP. You knew there was a problem but only decided to clean up your act when she was gone. Learn from this and move on. treat the next one with more consideration and respect.


 @arbitrator also said ..... No one need to have 6-8 beers after a along day at work.

AGREED X 1,000 !!!!!

I, too, live with an alcoholic (husband), and Vodka is his first passion. I say FIRST because even though my husband loves me, he CHOOSES Vodka first. Can't wait to get home and "relax" with his drink. Everything else is secondary....me, his son, his home, his car....EVERYTHING. The long-term effects of his prolonged use of alcohol have wreaked havoc on him, his health, our marriage, his relationship with his son. He is a changed man, and I use that term "man" loosely with him. Living with an alcoholic is Hell on Earth!

OP....you need to understand what the long-term effects of alcohol abuse have done to you, your thinking, your reasoning, how you interact with your wife/family, how you conduct yourself while in public, how you treat your wife and communicate with her, and your overall health. You need to take the advise of others on here and get yourself some professional help in dealing with with the issues. You have several to deal with and first and foremost should be yourself. Then everything else will fall into place because you will be much more clearheaded and able to think a little more rationally.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Bandit isn't being negative....He is speaking the truth. And posters here are not bashing you...You are getting the proverbial wake up beeatch slap. You NEED help. And now losing your family is going to just compound the matter. I am praying for you. And you should know that you are not alone. But please, understand that by the very fact that you are HERE. You are admitting there is a problem. 

As for the WW's affair. It's on her. She chose to keep you around to be the provider and security blanket. She chose the OM for the sexual escapades and fantasy that doesn't involve you. This drinking bit was just a trigger point to the problem. But the cheating was ALL her.

Good news is...You can get better, you can get a great therapy group and get out of the alcohol cycle. With friends that have been there and did that. Guess what...Bandit is one of them!

Your WW....Serve her and get her gone. She mentally already left, and she left the vows on your kitchen table. Work on you. Start the 180 and get into AA / counselling. Hit the gym and start eating better. You will see tremendous change and will want to continue. 

But if you go it alone and think about just changing a few habits around to fit your need...You will fail. You do not have the coping mechanisms present to deal with probably the most devastating event in your life.

Choice is yours...Live well and find love (for yourself, and someone else)


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## bandit.45

Brokenman70 said:


> Bandit, just because you lost everything is not necessarily the same for everyone else..I know my will power and can do it..I hope you don't spread your negativity to others in this board... Your reality does not necessarily project on others in similar situations.. You should be supportive to others, not bashing them because if your circumstances... And no I'm not hiding or running from this.. But when someone is willing you oughta only be supportive. Hope you never had kids, I can only imagine when they said.. Daddy I'm going to learn to ride a bike, bet you said.. No you're not, you're gonna fall down.


I'll stay off your thread. Good luck to you.


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## tryingtointerpret

Lukedog said:


> @arbitrator also said ..... No one need to have 6-8 beers after a along day at work.
> 
> AGREED X 1,000 !!!!!
> 
> I, too, live with an alcoholic (husband), and Vodka is his first passion. I say FIRST because even though my husband loves me, he CHOOSES Vodka first. Can't wait to get home and "relax" with his drink. Everything else is secondary....me, his son, his home, his car....EVERYTHING. The long-term effects of his prolonged use of alcohol have wreaked havoc on him, his health, our marriage, his relationship with his son. He is a changed man, and I use that term "man" loosely with him. Living with an alcoholic is Hell on Earth!
> 
> OP....you need to understand what the long-term effects of alcohol abuse have done to you, your thinking, your reasoning, how you interact with your wife/family, how you conduct yourself while in public, how you treat your wife and communicate with her, and your overall health. You need to take the advise of others on here and get yourself some professional help in dealing with with the issues. You have several to deal with and first and foremost should be yourself. Then everything else will fall into place because you will be much more clearheaded and able to think a little more rationally.


Great positive advice Lukedog


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## badmemory

Brokenman70 said:


> You should be supportive to others, not bashing them because if your circumstances... And no I'm not hiding or running from this.. But when someone is willing you oughta only be supportive. Hope you never had kids, I can only imagine when they said.. Daddy I'm going to learn to ride a bike, bet you said.. No you're not, you're gonna fall down.


You seem no more capable of absorbing sensible, experienced advice about alcoholism than infidelity advice. Sometimes there are hard truths to accept in both.


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## drifting on

Brokenman70 said:


> Bandit, just because you lost everything is not necessarily the same for everyone else..I know my will power and can do it..I hope you don't spread your negativity to others in this board... Your reality does not necessarily project on others in similar situations.. You should be supportive to others, not bashing them because if your circumstances... And no I'm not hiding or running from this.. But when someone is willing you oughta only be supportive. Hope you never had kids, I can only imagine when they said.. Daddy I'm going to learn to ride a bike, bet you said.. No you're not, you're gonna fall down.





I read this post and had a wise ass response for you, but have decided against posting it. Instead I’ll just tell you that @Bandit.45 just gave you some invaluable advice, which you simply discarded without even contemplating his words. You mention your will power above, yet it wasn’t enough for all those years prior to now. I’m not being negative or unsupportiveto your position, but if you can be this way to a person offering help, I can understand your wife being done. Your wife’s affair was wrong and cruel, apparently in other ways you were too and that both of your errors has spelled the ending to your marriage. Best of luck to you, you need to make monumental changes for your life ahead of you.


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## farsidejunky

Brokenman70 said:


> Bandit, just because you lost everything is not necessarily the same for everyone else..I know my will power and can do it..I hope you don't spread your negativity to others in this board... Your reality does not necessarily project on others in similar situations.. You should be supportive to others, not bashing them because if your circumstances... And no I'm not hiding or running from this.. But when someone is willing you oughta only be supportive. Hope you never had kids, I can only imagine when they said.. Daddy I'm going to learn to ride a bike, bet you said.. No you're not, you're gonna fall down.


Just so you realize who you are calling negative.. @bandit.45 hosts AA meetings and sponsors multiple people...in real life...looks them in the eye as they attempt to bull**** him about their sobriety...and he is just as good at spotting it virtually as he is in person.

All I hear from you regarding your drinking is pride. You will know when you truly embrace sobriety because all you will feel is humility...and pride will be a distant memory. 



Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## aine

MyRevelation said:


> I see a lot of assumptions here portraying his drinking as worse than we have any evidence to support, and that is typical of someone posting with an agenda. I also see drinking being one of those agenda items that typically get exaggerated in forum posts, which isn't unusual. Once someone is bitten by some behavior they tend to see it everywhere and make it out to be worse than it probably is in the specific case at hand.
> 
> If we want to make assumptions, this could just as easily be described as someone simply picking the wrong spouse at the beginning. If drinking as a problem for this W, then she probably shouldn't have M'd someone that drinks. He likely didn't just start drinking after they M'd, but now she wants to use it as an excuse to justify her bad behaviors.
> 
> So, I'll stick by my previous stance that her A is the issue, not his drinking.


And you are not making any assumptions in your post? Right!


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## aine

Brokenman70 said:


> I know I will beat this! Even if she is too far gone..I am doing this for me! Not for anyone else..you will see.


Heard this mantra many times. I know you absolutely mean it now but a few days from now you may be on the bottle again.

Please go to AA or some other programme and start listening to the people there. The first thing you will learn is you have to admit (and mean it) that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable and that you need help. You are helpless, powerless over anything in your life right now and you need help.


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## aine

Brokenman70 said:


> Bandit, just because you lost everything is not necessarily the same for everyone else..I know my will power and can do it..I hope you don't spread your negativity to others in this board... Your reality does not necessarily project on others in similar situations.. You should be supportive to others, not bashing them because if your circumstances... And no I'm not hiding or running from this.. But when someone is willing you oughta only be supportive. Hope you never had kids, I can only imagine when they said.. Daddy I'm going to learn to ride a bike, bet you said.. No you're not, you're gonna fall down.


BM70, you haven't hit your rock bottom, but now you have lost your wife, maybe it is a start. Bandit is not bashing you, he is telling you the truth of alcoholism, it is lifelong for the A whether in recovery or not and it is a life long journey for those in relationship with them too.
You need to meet yourself. You will probably go to meetings and hear the stories of the other As in there and tell yourself you are better than they are, you are not so far gone, you can control your drinking, etc etc. You are even telling yourself that now, right? 
I know because this is exactly who my RAH was, with many attempts to give up, he told me what he used to tell himself. He is dry for now but has fallen off the wagon last year but had to get on again. You are minimizing your issue and in good old A fashion blaming everyone else. How much further do you want to go down?
Why don't you visit the SoberRecovery.com website for more insight.


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## aine

colingrant said:


> I commend you for addressing your personal issues, but again, don't project your issues as justifiable basis for her affair. Based on this post alone, you appear to still draw a parallel between the two. Let's look at this another way and see if this helps. Let's say you and your wife frequently argue because of her Saturday afternoon mall spending habits.
> 
> Let's say, this has been going on since you two married. You've addressed it with her, yet it persists after years of conflict. You two argue about it incessantly, because it destabilizes the family's financial health, which is very important to you. Let's say one Saturday afternoon, she goes to Macy's and goes off, buying 3 pairs of shoes because she was depressed or whatever.
> 
> Well, you come home, see the shoe boxes, a heated argument ensues and in the midst of it, you strike her in the face. That moment in time, changes the marriage forever. You have stuck her and therefor are considered a domestic abuser, punishable by law. Very, very serious stuff. It also reveals an underlying issue of which you may have never known existed.
> 
> Your physical abuse was not created by her yelling at you during the argument, her inability to stay within the family budget or the 3 pairs of shoes purchased during her spending spree. It was caused because you have an issue with anger that allowed you to raise your hand at a woman AND bring it down to her face. Period. Arguing and marital financial disagreements are marital problems.
> 
> Marital problems are common. Domestic abuse is a personal problem within the spouse inflicting it. This is NOT normal or acceptable. That person has extremely poor coping skills. In this case, it would be inappropriate for your wife to accept your physical abuse as justifiable reasoning to hit you because of her inability to follow the budget, just like you should not accept your drinking as justifiable cause for her infidelity. See the commonality here?
> 
> If you google the word abuse, you would find the definition to be commensurate with the emotional abuse experienced by betrayed spouses. We're just trading abuses here, but abuse is abuse, whether physical or emotional. So, you have been abused and the cause of the abuse is her infidelity and personal, unresolved issues in her own life that unleashed her poor coping methods.



I can't help put point out that being married to a person that abuses alcohol is a form of abuse. That is why family members of A have Al Anon and Al Ateen and many end up with PTSD because of neglect, emotional and physical abuse. I note on this forum, many posters minimize or ignore his drinking. 
It is absolutely no excuse for her affair, she should have divorced him first that goes without saying but please do not negate his OP's behavior in this whole sorry saga. We are only hearing his side of the story of their 24 years of marriage.


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## hairyhead

Brokenman70 said:


> Bandit, just because you lost everything is not necessarily the same for everyone else..I know my will power and can do it..I hope you don't spread your negativity to others in this board... Your reality does not necessarily project on others in similar situations.. You should be supportive to others, not bashing them because if your circumstances... And no I'm not hiding or running from this.. But when someone is willing you oughta only be supportive. Hope you never had kids, I can only imagine when they said.. Daddy I'm going to learn to ride a bike, bet you said.. No you're not, you're gonna fall down.


I haven't read all of this thread in detail but have read enough to recognise that you have called Bandit out wrongly. He is spot on with his advice and you are way off the mark.

Good luck with sorting yourself but remember that most alcoholics do not make progress on their own. They need the support and experience of others.

It's such a shame to see such good support being thrown back in the face of the person offering help.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk


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## MyRevelation

aine said:


> And you are not making any assumptions in your post? Right!


... and I identified them as such ... reread my post again. 

However, after reading your other posts on this thread, I see why you took exception my post you quoted ... it stepped all over the toes of your anti-alcohol agenda.


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## colingrant

aine said:


> I can't help put point out that being married to a person that abuses alcohol is a form of abuse. That is why family members of A have Al Anon and Al Ateen and many end up with PTSD because of neglect, emotional and physical abuse. I note on this forum, many posters minimize or ignore his drinking.
> It is absolutely no excuse for her affair, she should have divorced him first that goes without saying but please do not negate his OP's behavior in this whole sorry saga. We are only hearing his side of the story of their 24 years of marriage.


I respect that opinion, however Brokenman is on this site to help remedy and share the pain of the infidelity that has disrupted his life, not judge his own transgressions, which he has done quite well by the way. The bottom line with regard to Brokenman, is there is no justification for infidelity. Period.


----------



## Brokenman70

I've been going to AA meetings.. I've recognized my problem.. I've admitted I have a problem.. But I didn't give her reason to cheat..I will take the blame for a divorce but not infidelity.. I came her for support about infidelity and you guys are such a hard crowd and turned it into me not realizing I have an alcohol abuse issue..I admit that I do have issues with alcohol.. So before you start harping on me, please read all the previous posts


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## anchorwatch

@Brokenman70

It's been a week. How did it go?


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## satphil

Just started a post on another infidelity forum.


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## personofinterest

satphil said:


> Just started a post on another infidelity forum.


Let me guess...downplaying the drinking....

LOOK, nothing excuses an Affair. An affair is a personal choice, and unless you are a robot or someone holds a gun to your head...you DO have a choice. And it is weak willed to have your behavior be dependent on someone else's. So his wife gets zero free pass. She CHOSE to cheat. Even if he punched her every day (which would be despicable), she still shouldn't cheat.

That said, you cannot separate the alcohol completely from this situation.

No, you can't. It's not an excuse or justification, but it is a marital factor.

Just like the same guys defending the drinking would ask "How often were you giving him sex" if they posted to a BW. Let's be honest.


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## Brokenman70

anchorwatch said:


> @Brokenman70
> 
> It's been a week. How did it go?


It's been a rough week, but as the days and weeks go on, my coping skills are much better and stronger. We have decided to reconcile and take baby steps back into the relationship. We have been going to counseling and I have been going to AA. We talk much more that we ever have and have a deeper understanding of each other and the reasoning behind our decision making. I know most of you on here say fu$%#@! and tell me to move on and file. I am going to an attorney this week to make myself aware of the options and obligations to my adult children. I dont plan on filing just yet, i am hoping that we can work things out. I am aware that it might be much easier to sever ties with her, but the truth is i would be happier with her than without. So we are trying and will see where it goes. I am trusting in God that he will guide us and do what is best.


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## badmemory

personofinterest said:


> It's not an excuse or justification, but it is a marital factor.


Absolutely it is. But what I was trying to make the OP understand, apparently unsuccessfully, it's a factor that has to take a backseat until the infidelity is dealt with properly. If his WW wants to divorce him over it, he needs to accept that and move on. If she agrees to R but uses that as her excuse for non remorse and not accepting consequences, then he needs to move on.

It may very well be that his drinking and neglect make it impossible for her to feel or act remorseful. That's where his guilt and desperation get the best of him - and he refuses to listen to the advice.


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## personofinterest

Exactly. The drinking is a chronic condition that has crippled the marriage. The affair is an event that blew it's legs off. You have to stop the bleeding of the critical wound before you treat the chronic condition. I read something like that somewhere and it makes sense.


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## Brokenman70

I completely understand that my alcoholism did not cause her to cheat. It did cause an irritable marriage which could lead to divorce, but I am not taking the responsibility of the affair. She takes complete responsibility and owns up to the affair. Ii admit i am responsibe for the divorce but the affair was completely her choice and her doing!


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## Evinrude58

Do you think your wife loves you, or is hurt scared of change?
Any hysterical bonding?

No sex lately? If not a lot, she’s not in love w you most likely.


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## Brokenman70

She's tired of hearing me say that I am going to change and going to stop drinking. I have made major changes in my lifestyle and took myself willingly to AA. We have had several episodes of passionate sex since the discovery, most recently last night. She says she's afraid to let me have her heart again, because I would always break my promise of changing. This time is very different from before..I was brought down to my knees and I want to change.. I love my wife.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

So its still your fault she cheated an lied about it until you showed her proof?


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## bandit.45

She needs to take responsibility for her actions and own her sh!t. 

You need to get your drinking under control. 

Two completely separate issues.


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## bigfoot

I see you posting on another site. It is your right, but you have to face it, advice that you need vs advice that you want are different.

You need help for YOU. Your marriage needs attention too, but until YOU get healthy, you are not gonna make healthy movements or choices.

Your wife cheated. She detached. She told you she wanted to divorce. Now, you think all is or should be fixed or on the road to fixed because you made some changes?

Dude, sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. Your marriage was unhealthy and both of you all stayed for reasons only known to each of you, in your own mind. Work on conscious uncoupling and fix yourself. Maybe you guys find each other again, but I am not sure a healthy you or a healthy her would choose that.


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## Evinrude58

If you never touch another drop of alcohol again, and you start going to do fun things with your wife again and reestablish a connection, you might have a chance.

One drop of alcohol and you’re doomed.

She cheated. She may never live you again.

Lots of uncertainty about how your wife feels about you. Now she will look for ****** in your armor constantly, will harp on you about how you treat her.
You’ll begin to resent the cheating to a level you can’t imagine. 

You have a low chance of a happy marriage to her now. But maybe a chance if you’re having good sex with her and talking.
And you change your life and become a more attractive person for any lengthy time.

Anyway, I do wish you the best.

I’m skeptical of your chances, but I think there is a chance. How serious are you about never taking a sip of beer again?


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## Brokenman70

Evinrude58 said:


> If you never touch another drop of alcohol again, and you start going to do fun things with your wife again and reestablish a connection, you might have a chance.
> 
> One drop of alcohol and you’re doomed.
> 
> She cheated. She may never live you again.
> 
> Lots of uncertainty about how your wife feels about you. Now she will look for ****** in your armor constantly, will harp on you about how you treat her.
> You’ll begin to resent the cheating to a level you can’t imagine.
> 
> You have a low chance of a happy marriage to her now. But maybe a chance if you’re having good sex with her and talking.
> And you change your life and become a more attractive person for any lengthy time.
> 
> Anyway, I do wish you the best.
> 
> I’m skeptical of your chances, but I think there is a chance. How serious are you about never taking a sip of beer again?


we have been going out and having fun. Almost as friends again and we are both enjoying each others company. As for the alcohol, I dont care to have another sip..I cant control my intake and it has caused me a multitude of problems over the years.


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## ABHale

I think you are making a mistake not divorcing your unfaithful wife. 

So said, it’s your mistake to make. Hope it works out for you.


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## Brokenman70

ABHale said:


> I think you are making a mistake not divorcing your unfaithful wife.
> 
> So said, it’s your mistake to make. Hope it works out for you.


Why do you say that? I have read that it may take up to a year for a spouse to be remorseful, mainly because of the long history of damage done over time. We have a 30 year history together,I think I would lose more if we didnt try to R. Shes willing to R and attend MC. So to me that shows she's taking the steps forward..I get she hasnt shown remorse, but she told me it has to come when she's ready.


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## GusPolinski

Brokenman70 said:


> Why do you say that? I have read that it may take up to a year for a spouse to be remorseful, mainly because of the long history of damage done over time. We have a 30 year history together,I think I would lose more if we didnt try to R. Shes willing to R and attend MC. So to me that shows she's taking the steps forward..I get she hasnt shown remorse, but she told me it has to come when she's ready.


What you’re talking about isn’t genuine remorse, but rather learned behavior.

Hope that’s good enough for you.

BTW, has she given up the affair?

And who is her lover? A co-worker? If so, has she quit her job yet?

ETA: Just re-read your initial post and see that OM is an old flame that she found via FB.

Has she unfriended and blocked him?

Has she changed her cell phone number?

Has she a) committed to establishing no contact with him, b) closed any and all avenues of continued contact with him, and c) agreed to inform you should he attempt to contact her (via any means)?

Also, to whom has the affair been exposed?


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## hinterdir

Brokenman70 said:


> She's tired of hearing me say that I am going to change and going to stop drinking. I have made major changes in my lifestyle and took myself willingly to AA. We have had several episodes of passionate sex since the discovery, most recently last night. She says she's afraid to let me have her heart again, because I would always break my promise of changing. This time is very different from before..I was brought down to my knees and I want to change.. I love my wife.


Well she's let other men inside of her so get yourself healthy, get yourself sober, get a purpose in life....but do it to be a good man and wild lover for the next girl. This isn't your wife anymore, she's another mans stripper and lover. I'd be all for you "getting her back" if she was just through with you but had remained faithful but since she's let another man touch her naked from head to toe, I'd say getting a divorce from her is the only way to go. I don't even fathom why you want to stay with her.


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## badmemory

Brokenman70 said:


> I have read that it may take up to a year for a spouse to be remorseful


Actually, you read that from some poster on SI while you were shopping for advice that you liked. I don't agree with that, but for the sake of argument let's say it's accurate.

It's one thing for a wayward not to feel remorseful right away. But as for as I'm concerned, they damn sure better "act" remorseful until they "feel" remorseful. In other words fake it till they make it. Your WW is not even pretending to be. That's problematic for you. Because right now you're in a false R and eventually you'll regret not making her earn her second chance before you earn yours.


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## Brokenman70

badmemory said:


> Actually, you read that from some poster on SI while you were shopping for advice that you liked. I don't agree with that, but for the sake of argument let's say it's accurate.
> 
> It's one thing for a wayward not to feel remorseful right away. But as for as I'm concerned, they damn sure better "act" remorseful until they "feel" remorseful. In other words fake it till they make it. Your WW is not even pretending to be. That's problematic for you. Because right now you're in a false R and eventually you'll regret not making her earn her second chance before you earn yours.


I did read it there and I also read it in a book called "After the affair"..What does it matter where I read it.You keep making a statement that I post on 2 sites...so what??? I get that she is not remorseful, but we are trying to make things work


----------



## Yeswecan

Brokenman70 said:


> I get that she is not remorseful, but we are trying to make things work


If your WW is not remorseful then only one of the two is trying to make it work.


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## badmemory

Brokenman70 said:


> I did read it there and I also read it in a book called "After the affair"..*What does it matter where I read it*.You keep making a statement that I post on 2 sites...so what??? I get that she is not remorseful, but we are trying to make things work


What does it matter? I guess because the quality of the source relates to the reliability and accuracy of the information. 

I don't have a problem with you or anyone posting on two sites. I post on two sites. What is concerning is that you're ignoring advice on two sites. And it's obvious to me that you're looking for validation for what you have already decided to do.

Believe it or not I've been trying to help you. I and others have tried to get you to understand why attempting R the right way is critical if it's to be successful. So, you don't believe it. Fine. Never the less I wish you the best of luck.


----------



## ABHale

Brokenman70 said:


> Why do you say that? I have read that it may take up to a year for a spouse to be remorseful, mainly because of the long history of damage done over time. We have a 30 year history together,I think I would lose more if we didnt try to R. Shes willing to R and attend MC. So to me that shows she's taking the steps forward..I get she hasnt shown remorse, but she told me it has to come when she's ready.


So you take 3-4 years to find out it wasn’t worth it, where are you then?

Stuck with a wife that doesn’t care at all about you. 

You unable to put it behind you. 

She leaves you for someone else because she lost all respect for you when you stayed. 

There are may reasons I said what I did.


----------



## ABHale

Brokenman70 said:


> I did read it there and I also read it in a book called "After the affair"..What does it matter where I read it.You keep making a statement that I post on 2 sites...so what??? I get that she is not remorseful, but we are trying to make things work


You are trying to make things work, she isn’t. She would be doing everything in her power to help you heal if she was. The only thing she keeps doing is hit you upside the head was your faults.


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## TDSC60

I get that she is not remorseful. Is she blaming her infidelity on you?


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## GusPolinski

TDSC60 said:


> I get that she is not remorseful. Is she blaming her infidelity on you?


Sounds like they both are.


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## Brokenman70

No she's not blaming the affair on me. She says it was her "way out" of the marriage..the last step that she felt she needed to do to walk away. Prior to her affair she had been telling me that she wants a divorce. She told me flat out that she wanted to separate over a year ago. And when I asked about an affair, she pretty much told me openly, almost like she wanted to get caught. She told me she had been out the door and done with the marriage


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## BluesPower

Brokenman70 said:


> No she's not blaming the affair on me. She says it was her "way out" of the marriage..the last step that she felt she needed to do to walk away. Prior to her affair she had been telling me that she wants a divorce. She told me flat out that she wanted to separate over a year ago. And when I asked about an affair, she pretty much told me openly, almost like she wanted to get caught. She told me she had been out the door and done with the marriage


So where are you guys now, is the D going through?


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## Rubix Cubed

Brokenman70 said:


> She told me flat out that she wanted to separate over a year ago. And when I asked about an affair, she pretty much told me openly, almost like she wanted to get caught. *She told me she had been out the door and done with the marriage*


 Then give her what she wants, post haste, don't wait a year.


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## VermiciousKnid

Brokenman70 said:


> She's tired of hearing me say that I am going to change and going to stop drinking. I have made major changes in my lifestyle and took myself willingly to AA. We have had several episodes of passionate sex since the discovery, most recently last night. She says she's afraid to let me have her heart again, because I would always break my promise of changing. This time is very different from before..I was brought down to my knees and I want to change.. I love my wife.


The whole thing is going to fail if she doesn't own her part. All I see is her still putting 100% of this on you. That comforts her. She's telling herself she did nothing wrong and you "forced" her to connect with someone else. If she sticks to that line of thinking then your marriage has ZERO chance. I think you two can reconcile but not if she won't own her actions.


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## Brokenman70

I totally changed after the news of her seriously wanting the divorce, then sure dropped the affair news on me.. She is now upset because she's back sliding and saying that now I'm the perfect man she's wanted years ago..I told her I'd give her the divorce if that's what she really wanted.. She gets mad and tells me she's been dealing alone with my alcoholism for years and how easy it is for me just to walk away and divorce.. She's slowly coming around but I am quickly moving her further away from me as the days go by.. My anger is starting to show it's evil face


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## BluesPower

Brokenman70 said:


> I totally changed after the news of her seriously wanting the divorce, then sure dropped the affair news on me.. She is now upset because she's back sliding and saying that now I'm the perfect man she's wanted years ago..I told her I'd give her the divorce if that's what she really wanted.. She gets mad and tells me she's been dealing alone with my alcoholism for years and how easy it is for me just to walk away and divorce.. She's slowly coming around but I am quickly moving her further away from me as the days go by.. My anger is starting to show it's evil face


Listen, you are not drinking anymore, so I know you can answer some questions more clearly that the above. 

But let's get a couple of things straight first: 

1) You were a drunk, OK. You did damage to your marriage, OK. Now I am not making light of these things in any way. Yeah, they were bad. 

2) Your wife had a choice, if she was tired of living with a drunk she could have had the balls to divorce you straight up and gone to live her life. But she did not, she chose to cheat. THAT is her fault, 1000% her fault. She did that not you. If you want to divorce her for that it is your right, your choice. 

So the questions are: 

1) What are you and your wife going to do, or do you know? 

2) Has she stopped the affair? Do you know that for sure?


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## Brokenman70

BluesPower said:


> Listen, you are not drinking anymore, so I know you can answer some questions more clearly that the above.
> 
> But let's get a couple of things straight first:
> 
> 1) You were a drunk, OK. You did damage to your marriage, OK. Now I am not making light of these things in any way. Yeah, they were bad.
> 
> 2) Your wife had a choice, if she was tired of living with a drunk she could have had the balls to divorce you straight up and gone to live her life. But she did not, she chose to cheat. THAT is her fault, 1000% her fault. She did that not you. If you want to divorce her for that it is your right, your choice.
> 
> So the questions are:
> 
> 1) What are you and your wife going to do, or do you know?
> 
> 2) Has she stopped the affair? Do you know that for sure?


She told me flat out that she had the affair thinking that I would be irate and divorce her, freeing her from the marriage.. Yes I know she could have gone and filed on her own, but sure found it easier to piss me off in hopes of me walking out on the marriage.. I quit the drinking, which really surprised her, because I never have before and she always said my first love was the alcohol, not her.. Now she says I'm the perfect husband and the Dynamics of the marriage have changed.. She's no longer talking to the guy..I blew up his world..I found it he was seeing a steady girlfriend and I advised her of the situation.. No, I didn't get a no contact letter or have her call him in front of me.. she claims there were no emotions, which I don't believe.. But she needs to get her **** together and feel remorseful if this is going to work.. We are trying to move forward, but she has so much anger inside her from over ten years ago and she is having difficulty with that


----------



## BluesPower

Brokenman70 said:


> She told me flat out that she had the affair thinking that I would be irate and divorce her, freeing her from the marriage.. Yes I know she could have gone and filed on her own, but sure found it easier to piss me off in hopes of me walking out on the marriage.. I quit the drinking, which really surprised her, because I never have before and she always said my first love was the alcohol, not her.. Now she says I'm the perfect husband and the Dynamics of the marriage have changed.. She's no longer talking to the guy..I blew up his world..I found it he was seeing a steady girlfriend and I advised her of the situation.. No, I didn't get a no contact letter or have her call him in front of me.. she claims there were no emotions, which I don't believe.. But she needs to get her **** together and feel remorseful if this is going to work.. We are trying to move forward, but she has so much anger inside her from over ten years ago and she is having difficulty with that


OK, that is what I, for one wanted to hear. Now if she want to divorce fine, you let her go.

But the thing is, her resentment is something that SHE need to make a decision on and something that she needs therapy on. Yes you can help her to an extent and you should, but SHE has to deal with that or leave. 

Now, on the affair, buddy you are completely right about that. SHE has to get her head straight about that. And if she has the attitude of "Well you were a drunk so I was entitled to have an affair", then that will not work. 

Your situations is hard both ways. But her affair is something that she will have to take responsibility. 

I personally would have had way more respect for her if she had just divorced you, but I don't care what anyone says, her affair was wrong and it always will be. He has to own that and she has to work to fix that or you need to be gone...


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## Evinrude58

My observation is that once a woman falls in love with another man— if only texting/calling every day, having her mind on him constantly, and (I think this is actually of secondary importance as far as her mindset toward her husband) having sex with him; I think once that happens, her love for her previous lover is gone. It likely never comes back unless there are years in between of no contact and even then, rarely.

Your wife says there was no emotion involved? That she just ducked another guy to puss you off????? Karbunckles! That’s insane.

I really think that you are the one still in love with her, and it’s not reciprocated. Because if she still loved you and knew how hurt you were and close to divorcing her—- she really would be willing to grovel at your feet and wear sackcloth and ashes to keep you.
That’s not what you’re seeing.

You need to ask yourself what she gets out of being married to you other than your companionship and emotional support. If there is more iou have to offer such as financial security and safety, I think you need to determine if that’s what she’s wanting more than you.

Having a woman that truly loves you and is loyal is probably one of the more rewarding things in a man’s life. Don’t waste time on one that doesn’t qualify. You only have one life.

None of her actions in the past year have shown her to be a woman who loves you or has loyalty.
Last of all, giving herself to another man was not something she did to make you angry and divorce her. It was because she wanted to, and didn’t care if it crushed you. Why? Because she didn’t love you anymore.
Sadly, I don’t think changing and not drinking and being a good dude works. That’s been tried before with no success.

I wish I could say that you would know better than anyone, but I’ve been in your shoes and in love with a woman that wasn’t with me. A person in that state of mind is like the people in the movie “6th sense”. They only see what they want to see.

Either way, I wish you luck getting things moving forward one way or another.


----------



## TDSC60

Brokenman70 said:


> I totally changed after the news of her seriously wanting the divorce, then sure dropped the affair news on me.. She is now upset because she's back sliding and saying that now I'm the perfect man she's wanted years ago..I told her I'd give her the divorce if that's what she really wanted.. She gets mad and tells me she's been dealing alone with my alcoholism for years and how easy it is for me just to walk away and divorce.. She's slowly coming around but I am quickly moving her further away from me as the days go by.. My anger is starting to show it's evil face


So. She wanted out of the marriage because of your alcohol abuse.
She claims an exit affair as a way to make you divorce her. 
Instead you got serious about not drinking and she is pissed.
Now she is pissed at you because you stopped drinking and offered a divorce if that is what she wants.
Now you want the marriage to continue but she is just..........angry.

I don't believe her affair had anything to do with making you divorce her. That is just her excuse. I don't think she cared about you or the marriage then or now as indicated by her total lack of remorse and total lack of empathy for how you were affected by the affair.

Good luck moving forward.


----------



## Brokenman70

Not doubt she is not "in love" with me.. She has told me that she stopped loving me as a husband several months ago, thus her way to end the marriage where i would walk away because of the unfaithfulness..but sadly I didnt...I never saw end comming...So now she does not want to divorce..I made her second guess it because I changed myself for me..I dont drink, I go to church and I am more attentive to the family. I have a 3 decade history with her and I feel like I have so much more to gain, rather than cut my losses..We have so much invested, but at the same time, i cant make her fall in love with me again..it really sucks to be in my place. She has been old friends with this guy for 25 years and once again said the affair was to break away from the marriage and move forward in hopes of me divorcing her


----------



## Brokenman70

TDSC60 said:


> So. She wanted out of the marriage because of your alcohol abuse.
> She claims an exit affair as a way to make you divorce her.
> Instead you got serious about not drinking and she is pissed.
> Now she is pissed at you because you stopped drinking and offered a divorce if that is what she wants.
> Now you want the marriage to continue but she is just..........angry.
> 
> I don't believe her affair had anything to do with making you divorce her. That is just her excuse. I don't think she cared about you or the marriage then or now as indicated by her total lack of remorse and total lack of empathy for how you were affected by the affair.
> 
> Good luck moving forward.


I agree with you..And as each day passes, i feel like I am pushing her away further, because now I am getting angry about the betrayal of the affair. Over time, I am thinking there will be no solution to R. Especially if there is no remorse.


----------



## seadoug105

Brokenman70 said:


> Not doubt she is not "in love" with me.. She has told me that she stopped loving me as a husband several months ago, thus her way to end the marriage where i would walk away because of the unfaithfulness..but sadly I didnt...I never saw end comming...So now she does not want to divorce..I made her second guess it because I changed myself for me..I dont drink, I go to church and I am more attentive to the family. I have a 3 decade history with her and I feel like I have so much more to gain, rather than cut my losses..We have so much invested, but at the same time, i cant make her fall in love with me again..it really sucks to be in my place. *She has been old friends with this guy for 25 years* and once again said the affair was to break away from the marriage and move forward in hopes of me divorcing her


What is her situation with this guy now?

In the long run it may not matter to you... but if she truly doesn't want a divorce, then she needs to consider him "dead to her" better yet like the plague to her, avoiding any potential exposure to him at all cost. Regardless of whether you request or "demand" NC.


----------



## Kirk401

From your posts it gives a brief picture of your side of this situation. Sounds like she didn't want this to happen divorce affair etc. as she stayed with you for all these years. You said that it came to a point that she finally had enough and she talked & threatened to divorce you before so this affair is not total surprise. She checked out /gave up on the marriage as she must have a pile of resentment and anger built up by now!

If you can stay on the wagon and change that's great. You got to stay on course for the rest of your life and prove that you do love her. She won't buy into or believe "your talk or promises" its gonna take your consistent actions over time for her to come around. If you do change and keep it up for months or years then of course she's still gonna be pissed for sometime at the start! As she's wanted this for years and now at the last hr. your doing it. Over time she may come around but be prepared for some tough times ahead as she's obviously is going to be skeptical for the 1st year for sure. She's afraid to trust you with her heart. 

Positive side she's still living in the house and you even still have sex I think I read! 

I was in a similar situation years ago. In my case I was so wrapped up in my little world and work. I kept putting off stuff and breaking promises. Then I started to noticed that she didn't "nag" or complain anymore to me and started doing her own thing with out me! Unfortunately I was too stupid to see it soon enough. It took time but I won her back and we're close again. It was a painful road back but for me it was worth it.

Good luck whatever happens.


----------



## personofinterest

ABHale said:


> So you take 3-4 years to find out it wasn’t worth it, where are you then?
> 
> Stuck with a wife that doesn’t care at all about you.
> 
> You unable to put it behind you.
> 
> She leaves you for someone else because she lost all respect for you when you stayed.
> 
> There are may reasons I said what I did.


I have to agree. I know various people have various definitions of what they "believe" remorse to be.

However, I think a spouse who does not almost immediately at least begin to show what the average person sees as remorse, then it's pretty much a lost cause. Yes, it can take years for some people's version of "real" remorse to appear.

But what we all see as repentance/regret/remorse is pretty obvious. If a spouse doesn't get to that point pretty early on, I doubt it will happen.

And as for the idea that as long as someone changes their outward behavior, remorse isn't "necessary".....

That's bull crap. Behaviorism is great for smoking, but saying you can recover with a spouse who never regrets.feels bad/etc as long as they don't "behave" badly again is.....ridiculous. Full stop


----------



## Evinrude58

Brokenman70 said:


> Not doubt she is not "in love" with me.. She has told me that she stopped loving me as a husband several months ago, thus her way to end the marriage where i would walk away because of the unfaithfulnessno, she fell out of love with you because she fell in love with HIM. Your past drinking behavior and the resentment it caused just made it easier on her conscience to cheat..but sadly I didnt...I never saw end comming...So now she does not want to divorce no, she doesn’t want to divorce because OM doesn’t want her full time and you’re plan b. Safety net. She’ll tell you during her next affair that she never loved you after the first one, and it’ll be true...I made her second guess it because I changed myself for me..I dont drink, I go to church and I am more attentive to the family. and you won’t keep that up most likely, because it isn’t you. Unless you are suffenly fired up hot for JesusI have a 3 decade history with her and I feel like I have so much more to gain, rather than cut my losses..We have so much invested, but at the same time, i cant make her fall in love with me again..it really sucks to be in my place. She has been old friends with this guy for 25 years and once again said the affair was to break away from the marriage and move forward in hopes of me divorcing her


And she was lying when she said it was to. Real away from the marriage. She did it because she wanted to. 
She’s not in love with you. She’s told you. You say you have lots to gain. I agree. Your wife is lost. You can start over. You can have a woman who loves you again. Just not her. The love won’t return. It’s sad, but true. Don’t let her use you for security while she looks for your replacement behind the scenes and pretends she’s “trying”.

What you had with her is destroyed. You a little at a time with your drinking, and her mortal blow with an atom bomb of infidelity.

She’ll stay for a while. Then break the rest of your heart.

Get sober, stay in church, work hard, endure the pain, move on.

A question: why did she say the affair stopped? She’ll say because it was wrong and she broke things off. More likely his wife or gf found out and he bolted. Don’t believe her. She’s lying.


----------



## Brokenman70

Kirk401, you pretty much seem to say the same things she says..She can't trust me with her heart and that she needs time. 

Evinrude, the affair was "her way out" of the marriage. She flat out told me about it in hopes of ending the marriage. She said she didnt have intentions of going back to him and that he was an easy target because she had been with him 25 years ago and they remained friends


----------



## Kirk401

Brokenman70 said:


> Kirk401, you pretty much seem to say the same things she says..She can't trust me with her heart and that she needs time.


Yeah well I heard a lot of what she's saying. At first I blamed her then after a while I talked to a marriage coach and Got on track. Now looking back at some of the stupid stuff I did in my 30's i dont know what i was thinking. I decided i needed to start setting a better example to my kids as well. 

You have to take a new path. As even if this don't work out with your wife you'll have a better chance at a good relationship with someone else. 

Neighbor had/has a drinking issue. He works his butt off and good neighbor but every night he's in the booze. 1st wife left after 15 years with the kids. He was shocked but everyone else could see it happening plain as day. So few years later he marries again and this lady was 8-10 years younger. At 40 he had a kid with her. But the new wife only lasted 3 years total and took the kid and left. Hes been on his own now the last 17 years. Says he's done with women!


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## Evinrude58

Can’t TRUST you with her heart???

You’re listening to this crap from your wife who just cheated on you?

I’ve seen women who were treated like garbage and kept going back for more for 20 years. They didn’t go because they loved the jerk. Love isn’t necessarily a choice.
A mother can’t choose to not love her child if they’re a rapist or a murderer.
I’m sure Hitler’s mom probably loved even him.

When she says “I can’t trust you with my heart”. What she really means is, “there ain’t no way I’m ever going to romantically love you again”.

But I could be all wrong.


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## Brokenman70

Evinrude58 said:


> Can’t TRUST you with her heart???
> 
> You’re listening to this crap from your wife who just cheated on you?
> 
> I’ve seen women who were treated like garbage and kept going back for more for 20 years. They didn’t go because they loved the jerk. Love isn’t necessarily a choice.
> A mother can’t choose to not love her child if they’re a rapist or a murderer.
> I’m sure Hitler’s mom probably loved even him.
> 
> When she says “I can’t trust you with my heart”. What she really means is, “there ain’t no way I’m ever going to romantically love you again”.
> 
> 
> But I could be all wrong.


She knows what it was like to be treated like garbage for over 20 years.. She kept loving me, then finally gave up


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## anchorwatch

@Brokenman70

I'm not much for playing the who's hurt is more or the which came first chicken or egg games. You are both angry and with good reasons. Until you both deal with that anger in a productive manner the relationship won't have a chance to be put right. Until you can trust each other again, it won't be put right either. Even committed, this is not something you're going to white knuckle through with a book and a few platitudes from web posters. Get yourselves a counselor. A good qualified counselor can help you make well thought out decisions, not just emotional knee-jerk reactions. 

How's keeping up with your side of the street? 

Best


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Brokenman70 said:


> Kirk401, you pretty much seem to say the same things she says..She can't trust me with her heart and that she needs time.
> 
> Evinrude, the affair was "her way out" of the marriage. She flat out told me about it in hopes of ending the marriage. She said she didnt have intentions of going back to him and that he was an easy target because she had been with him 25 years ago and they remained friends


Why would you trust a single word your wife says about her affair(s) that you cannot independently verify? Wake up! When her lips move she is lying. That is the definition of a cheater.


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## seadoug105

Brokenman70 said:


> *She knows what it was like to be treated like garbage for over 20 years..* She kept loving me, then finally gave up


and now you know what it's like to be convinced that other people low character decisions and immoral action are actually your fault....

If she wants doesnt want a divorce, then she CAN NOT remain friends with this guy. She should NEVER talk to this guy, unless its to tell him to FACK OFF.... 

She can claim to not want a divorce yet cling to the tool that she used to make crippling blows to your marriage... just like you cant claim to not want a divorce and still cling to the tool (drinking alcohol) that she used to make crippling blows to your marriage. You can't have a casual drink just like she can't be "friends" with her affair partner.

Lastly her affair my not been because of "love" for the OM... but what about his "love" for her... I mean he waited 25yrs for her... do you think he wants your marriage to work.. and on that note.. was he ever a factor in your drinking (drinking with you, buying you drink, Booze as gifts, encouraging you to drink)???


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## Evinrude58

Brokenman70 said:


> She knows what it was like to be treated like garbage for over 20 years.. She kept loving me, then finally gave up


Classic betrayed spouse syndrome. She has placed all blame on you, and it didn’t take much for you to put all the blame on yourself.

Your drinking may have caused her to divorcegiu for sure. But anything you did had zero to do with her cheating. 

You are making a huge mistake, but it’s yours to make, not mine.

She’s an unrepentant cheater.
You only know what she has told you about the affair.
It could still be going on, or just smoldering until you chill for a while.
If it stopped, you need to find out why. Because I see no reason for it to have stoooed unlessthe OM stopped it.

By taking all the blame for this, you are empowering her to feel justified in this. What’s to stop her from doing it again? She now knows you’ll tolerate it.
This is no way to reconcile. 
You are attempting to reconcile with a wife who not only boldly told you she was having an affair, but flat out told you she no longer loves you.

I don’t think it’ll work.
But I’ll stop posting on your thread and wish you luck.


----------



## Brokenman70

Evinrude, I'm here to listen to advice. Im not taking the blame for the affair. I do understand shes been treated like crap for years byme. I quit telling her that I love her. Im just going day by day.


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## dubsey

She cheated so you'd divorce her. 

She got her wish.

She now doesn't really want that, but, by choosing to throw napalm on the marriage instead of just walking away, it's not her choice anymore. She already made her choice.

Every time she brings it up, you can acknowledge what you did wrong in the marriage, but when it comes to continuing on with the marriage just keep repeating "it's no longer your choice anymore"

At the end of the day, she'll just do this again the next time you've pissed her off and she wants to change your behavior. It'll be the new way to snap you back to what she wants. Are you willing to live with that?


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## TDSC60

Your wife is angry her plan to get you to divorce her failed. Why didn't she just file for divorce instead of playing around with the OM?

Her new plan is to do what she wants, when she wants to do it, with whomever she wants to do it with while you finance her lifestyle. All she has to do with you is drop a little veiled hint that she might want the marriage again in the future, the far, far, far, far, away future and you will follow her around like a little puppy waiting for her to drop you a crumb.

You stopped drinking now find your self respect.


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## eric1

You are in a very difficult position. We are all rooting for you to find some answers so that you can make it through to the other side of this mess.


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## oldtruck

Brokenman70 said:


> Not doubt she is not "in love" with me.. She has told me that she stopped loving me as a husband several months ago, thus her way to end the marriage where i would walk away because of the unfaithfulness..but sadly I didnt...I never saw end comming...So now she does not want to divorce..I made her second guess it because I changed myself for me..I dont drink, I go to church and I am more attentive to the family. I have a 3 decade history with her and I feel like I have so much more to gain, rather than cut my losses..We have so much invested, but at the same time, i cant make her fall in love with me again..it really sucks to be in my place. She has been old friends with this guy for 25 years and once again said the affair was to break away from the marriage and move forward in hopes of me divorcing her


The feelings of love can be restored. That is what recovery is about.


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## Sports Fan

You need to man up and show her some serious consequences for her actions. Take the whole matter out of her hands. See a good divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling. At the moment she is cake eating. She is screwing the other man and keeping you simmering on the back burner in case her affair does not work out. You are her meal ticket and general ATM. If she was serious about leaving she would of left by now.

Stop begging and pleading with her. Take the bull by the horns and kick her arse out.


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## ABHale

Brokenman70 said:


> I totally changed after the news of her seriously wanting the divorce, then sure dropped the affair news on me.. She is now upset because she's back sliding and saying that now I'm the perfect man she's wanted years ago..I told her I'd give her the divorce if that's what she really wanted.. She gets mad and tells me she's been dealing alone with my alcoholism for years and how easy it is for me just to walk away and divorce.. She's slowly coming around but I am quickly moving her further away from me as the days go by.. My anger is starting to show it's evil face


She purposely had an affair to get you to divorce her. 

What does she expect, that you would role over and not be angry.


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## ABHale

Brokenman70 said:


> Kirk401, you pretty much seem to say the same things she says..She can't trust me with her heart and that she needs time.
> 
> Evinrude, the affair was "her way out" of the marriage. She flat out told me about it in hopes of ending the marriage. *She said she didnt have intentions of going back to him and that he was an easy target because she had been with him 25 years ago and they remained friends*


This is so cold hearted and just wrong. 

How could any person stay with someone that could do what she has admitted to.


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## Brokenman70

ABHale said:


> This is so cold hearted and just wrong.
> 
> How could any person stay with someone that could do what she has admitted to.


Because she was hoping I'd get angry and leave her.. She didn't have the balls to leave me, but yet had another man's balls inside her.. Go figure..I love the woman and I know I gave her rain for D, but not a hall pass to **** someone else.. It's hard for me not to try to reconcile.. She's now apologized for her actions and willing to R


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## Idyit

Seems to me "the fog" of an affair envelops both the betrayed and betrayer. The one that comes out of it first tends to drive the next steps and direction of the relationship. 

You sir, are way behind.


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## Lostinthought61

Brokenman70 said:


> Because she was hoping I'd get angry and leave her.. *She didn't have the balls to leave me*, but yet had another man's balls inside her.. Go figure..I love the woman and I know I gave her rain for D, but not a hall pass to **** someone else.. It's hard for me not to try to reconcile.. She's now apologized for her actions and willing to R


For that matter neither did you? i get you love her and after all it is your life, but i see you playing from a position of weakness not strengthen. You could have divorced her and then see if she was willing to move on or stay.


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## Decorum

If she has no emotional connection to the OM, and she argees to a hard, perpetual NC with him, I think you are in a good spot to reconcile, except for all the water under the bridge, which raises the odds against you to almost 100%, but if you both want it bad enough, and truly work on being the best partner you can be for the other person, then I think you have a shot.

I grew up with alcoholic parents, when someone looks to you to fill a role in their life, I.e. Parent/spouse/ then neglect is emotional abuse (it can be excruciating), verbal ridicule is verbal abuse, an angry, walk on eggshells, non sympathetic, non harmonious environment is very damaging.

I think because this is at the root of your problems, you may be able to pull it off, if you are both willing to pay the price.

You need to move slowly and let it develop naturally, if you rush it you will ruin it!!!

1 Peter 3
1 In the same way, you wives,....
7 You husbands in the same way, ....
8 To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; 9 not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead;

I wish you both well!


----------



## Marc878

Brokenman70 said:


> Because she was hoping I'd get angry and leave her.. She didn't have the balls to leave me, but yet had another man's balls inside her.. Go figure..I love the woman and I know I gave her rain for D, but not a hall pass to **** someone else.. It's hard for me not to try to reconcile.. She's now apologized for her actions and willing to R


Time brings clarity. Don't jump into R quickly.

You be better off to reflect on what you want. 

The world didn't end did it?

Now you know or have an inkling that you can live without here.

Take the time to become complete. It will stand you better long term no matter which way this goes.


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## Jharp

Brokenman70 said:


> My alcohol abuse was the cruix of the problem for divorce.. Never have I said it caused the affair..I totally blame her for crossing that line..I feel like calling the other guy and asking what the deal is with my wife.. He's divorced, so he has no one to lose... But then if I call him, I'll give him satisfaction and he already got some of that from my wife.. I'm just angry and sad. I know it's not his fault, my wife made that decision...



I know I'm way late to the party, but statements like this ****ing annoy me to no end. It's not his fault, its not the other persons fault for getting involved with _your _married spouse. Screw that noise. It very much *is *their fault. They willfully perused a married individual. They totally deserve every bit of heartache and pain they got coming to them.


----------



## ABHale

Brokenman70 said:


> Because she was hoping I'd get angry and leave her.. She didn't have the balls to leave me, but yet had another man's balls inside her.. Go figure..I love the woman and I know I gave her rain for D, but not a hall pass to **** someone else.. It's hard for me not to try to reconcile.. She's now apologized for her actions and willing to R


So give her what she wants, a divorce. 

She gave herself to another man because she no longer loves you. You can love her all you want, it won’t do any good because she doesn’t love you. 

Are you honestly able to forget the fact that she let the OM go at her like a two bit.... 

She did it to force you to leave. Then you threw your self respect in the trash and stayed. How will she ever respect you now it you R? Let alone love you again.


----------



## jlg07

Brokenman70 said:


> Because she was hoping I'd get angry and leave her.. She didn't have the balls to leave me, but yet had another man's balls inside her.. Go figure..I love the woman and I know I gave her rain for D, but not a hall pass to **** someone else.. It's hard for me not to try to reconcile.. She's now apologized for her actions *and willing to R*


Wow, how nice of her, she's "willing" to reconcile. Meaning, YOU have to forgive her and forget it, and we will just be ok from now on until the next time your actions really piss me off.

Is SHE doing the work to R? There are many checklists on this site for it -- what is SHE doing to help YOU?


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

The good thing is, that the timeline will be on OP's shoulders. Not hers. He is in control. Continue to get better and better everyday. Not for her, but for YOU! She told you months ago she didn't love you. What about now. What does she say? Not just the "husband I wanted years ago." Sh!t I wanted a super model wife, but I didn't rub my wifes nose in it after the kids and all...

Continue to focus yourself on going up and out of this shell you created. I think time will tell if she starts chasing you or just fantasizing about some past romance novel. You cannot be a plan B. Regardless of your mistakes and disease, you are NOT a doormat. You are an individual who deserves love and compassion. Not another man's balls in your face. Sorry to be so graphic, but it should steel your reserve.

In the interim, have you guys done any couples things together lately? Like go to a opera, fancy dinner or something?


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## Brokenman70

We actually had 2 vacations planned prior to D day. we figured we'd go and make the best out of it. It was better than expected, we talked quite a bit. 


On a different note, as the weeks have gone by, Im trying to bring myself to really be angry and dislike her. I want to be strong enough to walk away. It's just very hard because I can forgive her if she is sorry. But it hurts my heart just playing the wait game. I'm trying to think of her screwing the OM every which way, and it makes me mad, but I just find it hard to walk away. i kknow Im weak, but thats why im asking for help.


----------



## Yeswecan

Brokenman70 said:


> We actually had 2 vacations planned prior to D day. we figured we'd go and make the best out of it. It was better than expected, we talked quite a bit.
> 
> 
> On a different note, as the weeks have gone by, Im trying to bring myself to really be angry and dislike her. I want to be strong enough to walk away. It's just very hard because I can forgive her if she is sorry. But it hurts my heart just playing the wait game. I'm trying to think of her screwing the OM every which way, and it makes me mad, but I just find it hard to walk away. i kknow Im weak, but thats why im asking for help.


Have you looking into the 180? https://affaircare.com/the-180/


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## anchorwatch

You are who you are. Don't be ashamed of it.

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."


----------



## badmemory

Brokenman70 said:


> i kknow Im weak, but thats why im asking for help.


And you've received it. 13 pages of it. You just refuse to take the advice. Simple as that.


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## Brokenman70

badmemory said:


> And you've received it. 13 pages of it. You just refuse to take the advice. Simple as that.


It's just really hard to move on..very hard. I have poor coping skills


----------



## ABHale

Brokenman70 said:


> We actually had 2 vacations planned prior to D day. we figured we'd go and make the best out of it. It was better than expected, we talked quite a bit.
> 
> 
> On a different note, as the weeks have gone by, Im trying to bring myself to really be angry and dislike her. I want to be strong enough to walk away. It's just very hard because I can forgive her if she is sorry. But it hurts my heart just playing the wait game. I'm trying to think of her screwing the OM every which way, and it makes me mad, but I just find it hard to walk away. i kknow Im weak, but thats why im asking for help.


Read The 180. I don’t have the link but others here do. It is a way to pull away emotionally from your WW.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Jharp said:


> Brokenman70 said:
> 
> 
> 
> My alcohol abuse was the cruix of the problem for divorce.. Never have I said it caused the affair..I totally blame her for crossing that line..I feel like calling the other guy and asking what the deal is with my wife.. He's divorced, so he has no one to lose... But then if I call him, I'll give him satisfaction and he already got some of that from my wife.. I'm just angry and sad. I know it's not his fault, my wife made that decision...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I know I'm way late to the party, but statements like this ****ing annoy me to no end. It's not his fault, its not the other persons fault for getting involved with _your _married spouse. Screw that noise. It very much *is *their fault. They willfully perused a married individual. They totally deserve every bit of heartache and pain they got coming to them.
Click to expand...

Maybe, but who gives a sh!t? OM didn't owe him anything, his wife did. She fks another man, she is the one who nuked the marriage. OM was a nobody, he has no skin in that game or any game if he is single. If it wasn't him it would probably be some other dude and you know there would be.

It sounds like a run of the mill exit affair. She had her fun, she doesn't want you, and now that she is used up and turned out she has no value to you anymore, get out with a shred of dignity and rebuild (without the booze). Show her some consequences, this will eat you alive eventually.


----------



## anchorwatch

Brokenman70 said:


> It's just really hard to move on..very hard. I have poor coping skills


That's why you used alcohol. How's that going?

You have a lot to work on, make sure it's you first.


----------



## nekonamida

Here's where things aren't adding up. You say she doesn't blame you at all for the affair. She says she had the affair because you made the marriage unbearable and created a situation where she felt like she had to cheat in order to D. So really she is blaming you for creating the situation that made her cheat. 

If that is 100% true and not some ridiculous justification she came up with after the fact to make it your fault without saying it's your fault, then your wife is a seriously immature and selfish woman. If it's not true, she's still immature, selfish, and still lying to you. There's no winning here.

If you're serious about possibly Ring, she needs to cut the crap about your issues and see a therapist to tackle why she decided to take the coward's way out of the marriage, why she didn't get serious about other healthy solutions like couples counseling or even giving you an ultimatum, and why she's staying now. You should get counseling to figure out if you even still want to be with her and to help you through this. If you and her are just dating and spending time together, that's not R. It's rugsweeping and it will bite you in the ass hard in the future.


----------



## Brokenman70

nekonamida said:


> Here's where things aren't adding up. You say she doesn't blame you at all for the affair. She says she had the affair because you made the marriage unbearable and created a situation where she felt like she had to cheat in order to D. So really she is blaming you for creating the situation that made her cheat.
> 
> If that is 100% true and not some ridiculous justification she came up with after the fact to make it your fault without saying it's your fault, then your wife is a seriously immature and selfish woman. If it's not true, she's still immature, selfish, and still lying to you. There's no winning here.
> 
> If you're serious about possibly Ring, she needs to cut the crap about your issues and see a therapist to tackle why she decided to take the coward's way out of the marriage, why she didn't get serious about other healthy solutions like couples counseling or even giving you an ultimatum, and why she's staying now. You should get counseling to figure out if you even still want to be with her and to help you through this. If you and her are just dating and spending time together, that's not R. It's rugsweeping and it will bite you in the ass hard in the future.


She had the affair because according to her that was the only thing she could control in her life. She said that I was very controlling of finances, decisions etc. The affair was the effort to make me find out and angrily leave her


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## BarbedFenceRider

The 180...


https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/


----------



## frustratedinphx

Another woman’s perspective: my marriage was similar to yours. My husband consumed himself with all kinds of things – drinking, smoking weed, working, video games, nicotine and/or anything to take up his time & avoid spending it with me and our family.

I have been to SO many kid birthday parties & school events alone. Until the last 4-5yrs, he didn’t do Dr. Appts, dentist appts, know the teacher’s names, etc. (oldest kid of 3 is 13). He didn’t buy me gifts for Mother’s Day, our anniversary, Valentine’s Day, etc. He hung me out to dry sexually too. We‘d go 6-7 mos regularly when we did, it was OK. Sex toys, lingerie, flirty attempts for his attention didn’t work. He wasn’t interested in me.

After many lonely years, my old colleague *in another state* paid attention to me online. I fell for it pretty quickly. To me, ****ty attention was better than no attention. OM said I was pretty & listened to me, didn’t call me names or yell at me. He told me his dreams. I told him mine. He was ok, but not the best looking guy I ever dated. 

I wasn’t looking for anything/anyone. He simply made me feel good. I wanted companionship. I didn’t love OM and never planned to leave my husband. I would’ve preferred to be with my husband, but he didn’t want me & was unavailable. I just wanted someone to care about me too. It was sh*tty, but I couldn’t take it anymore. Living a dangerous lie felt better than crying myself to sleep- no theatrics. I was miserable. My husband understood the sentiments, as he had his own affair & told me he thought he was falling in love with her. The ability to connect intimately is critical for ANY relationship.

Did you go to an AA meeting or start counseling yet? If not, you’re a dry drunk- sober, but with the same attitude & mindset. You’re at risk for relapse. It’s as scary for her to trust you again, as it is for you to trust her. All the sh*t aside, Do you like each other or have things in common? She found other an unhealthy way to occupy her time. What are you doing with your? If you have nothing in common, reconciliation won’t work if there’s no underlying foundation for your relationship.

Your wife is probably codependent. She may blame your drinking for her affair but *that* was her choice to cheat, just as drinking every night was yours. If she wants to stay, she better cut all ties. You both have to draw your line in the sand with your non-negotiables. Encourage her to attend an Al-Anon meeting. I didn’t considered my husband a true alcoholic years before, but I felt a weird sense of belonging there. Couldn’t put my finger on it... bc he’s an addict.

Until you each see your part in the destruction, figure out how you got there, why you made poor choices, acknowledge the damage you did & make amends, you’ll both stay angry & stuck in purgatory. Also, don’t play the “no- you were worse” game- you’ll both lose. No one wins it. Your pain is mutually exclusive- don’t debate it.

If you try to reconcile with counseling, know most counselors suck & progress takes time. Find someone trained by the Gottman Institute. Honestly though, I know people split & move on to find true happiness, and I know equally as many miserable, divorced people. Generations back, people cheated, but stayed & figured it out. There’s no “obvious” answer- it’s complicated.

Regardless of what you do, both of you should try indiv counseling. Get your heads right first. Addiction & codependency suck. You’re probably not able to make good decisions. I personally think antidepressants keep people from feeling any pain & stuck, but if you need them take them. Neither one of you will find happiness alone or with someone else till you’re healed emotionally. Best of luck to you.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Jharp

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Maybe, but who gives a sh!t? OM didn't owe him anything, his wife did. She fks another man, she is the one who nuked the marriage. OM was a nobody, he has no skin in that game or any game if he is single. If it wasn't him it would probably be some other dude and you know there would be.
> 
> It sounds like a run of the mill exit affair. She had her fun, she doesn't want you, and now that she is used up and turned out she has no value to you anymore, get out with a shred of dignity and rebuild (without the booze). Show her some consequences, this will eat you alive eventually.



Wrong. Its thinking like this that allows other men to come in a wreck marriages that are vulnerable. These men must understand there is a price to be paid for involving yourself in another's Marriage. I would deserve it. As would any man or woman who got involved where they didn't belong.


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## Evinrude58

Get this in your head: She did not cheat in order to "control something" or to "get you angry to divorce". 

She cheated because she wanted that guy. She may not, likely does not NOW. But she did. She wanted him over you.

Get your head around that and stop dealing with your wife's BS rhetoric about how her affair was anything other than the simple fact that she WANTED TO.

Now, was her perspective that the marriage was lousy? That you were a controlling alcoholic that gave her nothing of you? No interaction, no thoughtfulness, no interest??? Well, that is your fault and something you can own and fix in yourself. But the cheating was HER fault. She could have divorced you easily anytime she wanted, and she knows that. So do you.

Yes, you are incredibly bad at coping and being codependent. It's not something that you can't work on. Nobody is perfect. We all have our flaws. It just gripes me that you are letting her feed you that nonsense about "cheating for the ability to be in control of something" or "cheating because she wanted to make you angry". That is just RIDICULOUS.


----------



## TeddieG

Brokenman70 said:


> We actually had 2 vacations planned prior to D day. we figured we'd go and make the best out of it. It was better than expected, we talked quite a bit.
> 
> 
> On a different note, as the weeks have gone by, Im trying to bring myself to really be angry and dislike her. I want to be strong enough to walk away. It's just very hard because I can forgive her if she is sorry. But it hurts my heart just playing the wait game. I'm trying to think of her screwing the OM every which way, and it makes me mad, but I just find it hard to walk away. i kknow Im weak, but thats why im asking for help.


It is NOT weak to be really angry about the betrayal. I can understand why you would have a hard time walking away. I miss the history my ex and I had; I miss the stepkids and their babies, I miss my inlaws, I miss a lot of things that we used to have, including intelligent conversations. But he made a decision to cheat. It blew up everything.

Don't fight the anger. I know that you might be fighting it for fear it will trigger you to drink, but go get a counselor, write in a journal, go to the beach or a lake or a pond and scream out your anger. Acknowledge it, handle it, but whatever you do don't deny it. Of course you can forgive her, but anger is the response to what a previous poster said - your marriage had problems but your wife blew its legs off. You're gonna bleed, in the form of anger. Start the healing by admitting your anger and even embracing it.


----------



## TeddieG

frustratedinphx said:


> Another woman’s perspective: my marriage was similar to yours. My husband consumed himself with all kinds of things – drinking, smoking weed, working, video games, nicotine and/or anything to take up his time & avoid spending it with me and our family.
> 
> I have been to SO many kid birthday parties & school events alone. Until the last 4-5yrs, he didn’t do Dr. Appts, dentist appts, know the teacher’s names, etc. (oldest kid of 3 is 13). He didn’t buy me gifts for Mother’s Day, our anniversary, Valentine’s Day, etc. He hung me out to dry sexually too. We‘d go 6-7 mos regularly when we did, it was OK. Sex toys, lingerie, flirty attempts for his attention didn’t work. He wasn’t interested in me.
> 
> After many lonely years, my old colleague *in another state* paid attention to me online. I fell for it pretty quickly. To me, ****ty attention was better than no attention. OM said I was pretty & listened to me, didn’t call me names or yell at me. He told me his dreams. I told him mine. He was ok, but not the best looking guy I ever dated.
> 
> I wasn’t looking for anything/anyone. He simply made me feel good. I wanted companionship. I didn’t love OM and never planned to leave my husband. I would’ve preferred to be with my husband, but he didn’t want me & was unavailable. I just wanted someone to care about me too. It was sh*tty, but I couldn’t take it anymore. Living a dangerous lie felt better than crying myself to sleep- no theatrics. I was miserable. My husband understood the sentiments, as he had his own affair & told me he thought he was falling in love with her. The ability to connect intimately is critical for ANY relationship.
> 
> Did you go to an AA meeting or start counseling yet? If not, you’re a dry drunk- sober, but with the same attitude & mindset. You’re at risk for relapse. It’s as scary for her to trust you again, as it is for you to trust her. All the sh*t aside, Do you like each other or have things in common? She found other an unhealthy way to occupy her time. What are you doing with your? If you have nothing in common, reconciliation won’t work if there’s no underlying foundation for your relationship.
> 
> Your wife is probably codependent. She may blame your drinking for her affair but *that* was her choice to cheat, just as drinking every night was yours. If she wants to stay, she better cut all ties. You both have to draw your line in the sand with your non-negotiables. Encourage her to attend an Al-Anon meeting. I didn’t considered my husband a true alcoholic years before, but I felt a weird sense of belonging there. Couldn’t put my finger on it... bc he’s an addict.
> 
> Until you each see your part in the destruction, figure out how you got there, why you made poor choices, acknowledge the damage you did & make amends, you’ll both stay angry & stuck in purgatory. Also, don’t play the “no- you were worse” game- you’ll both lose. No one wins it. Your pain is mutually exclusive- don’t debate it.
> 
> If you try to reconcile with counseling, know most counselors suck & progress takes time. Find someone trained by the Gottman Institute. Honestly though, I know people split & move on to find true happiness, and I know equally as many miserable, divorced people. Generations back, people cheated, but stayed & figured it out. There’s no “obvious” answer- it’s complicated.
> 
> Regardless of what you do, both of you should try indiv counseling. Get your heads right first. Addiction & codependency suck. You’re probably not able to make good decisions. I personally think antidepressants keep people from feeling any pain & stuck, but if you need them take them. Neither one of you will find happiness alone or with someone else till you’re healed emotionally. Best of luck to you.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk



This. When I was in college I had a melt down, a panic attack, too much to do, too many deadlines, couldn't get off work, papers due . . . and saw a counselor. It was there I learned about being the adult child of an alcoholic. My dad was, and my mother was controlling, to try to avoid conflict. So is it any surprise that I ended up with a husband who is conflict-avoidant? I didn't know he was passive aggressive, and holds in resentments, and only uses people for narcissistic supply and then moves on. There are all kinds of behaviors that people learn and ways of adapting. My ex cheated on me and I didn't ask a lot of questions. You're accepting her explanations. You can't be rational and logical about this stuff; trying to understand it will lead you to false reconciliation attempts or prolonged misery sessions about what you did or didn't do that led the both of you to where you are now. Stop with looking for explanations, or self blame. Whatever it is that leads people to make **** decisions and cheat on a spouse, that is a wound that can be dealt with later, to continue the analogy. The fact that you're concerned about being angry suggests that you might be conflict avoidant. Do you have a family history of alcohol, or co-dependence? 

A lot of the dances we do with our spouses we learned from the dance floor we grew up in.


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## frustratedinphx

TeddieG said:


> It is NOT weak to be really angry about the betrayal.
> .......
> 
> 
> 
> Don't fight the anger. I know that you might be fighting it for fear it will trigger you to drink, but go get a counselor, write in a journal, go to the beach or a lake or a pond and scream out your anger. Acknowledge it, handle it, but whatever you do don't deny it. Of course you can forgive her, but anger is the response to what a previous poster said - your marriage had problems but your wife blew its legs off. You're gonna bleed, in the form of anger. Start the healing by admitting your anger and even embracing it.



I think he said he wants to be angry, but *can’t* make himself.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## TeddieG

frustratedinphx said:


> I think he said he wants to be angry, but *can’t* make himself.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I interpreted his comment to say that he can't make himself leave. So perhaps he needs to be angry in order to propel himself to leave.

And I followed up with a post about conflict avoidance and alcoholism.


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## frustratedinphx

TeddieG said:


> I interpreted his comment to say that he can't make himself leave. So perhaps he needs to be angry in order to propel himself to leave.
> 
> And I followed up with a post about conflict avoidance and alcoholism.




Gotcha 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58

OP, you're not angry because your emotions are so screwed up, you're mind is not functioning normally.

You are feeling betrayed and fearing the loss of your family, wife, and home. 

You are feeling confused at what she has done and what she is saying. Her actions and her words are not compatible. You're being manipulated.

There's just not any way you can feel anger when all these other emotions are running rampant. 


For that reason, you need to just chill out and wait this out. Personally, I think you should file for divorce. That way, if you finally get healthy and want to divorce, you can relatively quickly. If you don't want a divorce, it takes time, and you can stop it at any moment during the process. I also think when you file, your wife will be forced to process what she has done, be forced to recognize that she might actually lose you, and in the end she MIGHT start showing that she is remorseful and willing to actually do some work to correct her own problems. Right now, she is telling you the bare minimum to keep her current safety net together. You haven't mentioned one thing that she has told you that in any way insinuates that she still has feelings for you.

How many days have you made it without one single sip of any kind of alcohol? Be honest. If you're not willing to stop the drinking, you might as well divorce now. It won't work out.


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## TeddieG

I'm not EVEN going to tell you how long it took me to feel anger. It was after the divorce, which I didn't want. But he was long gone. When I had the first d-day, the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech, I headed straight for a counselor. And then when his infidelity showed up, one of the first things the counselor said to me was, where's the anger, where's the rage? But I was so confused and thought his actions so out of character, so sudden given that I thought our marriage was in a good place, and I was just catching up to the fact that he was checked out and withdrawn. I spent more time trying to figure out how to respond to him and the situation without damaging it, and I found bad advice, that included NOT confronting and NOT being angry, and how to change to be more attractive. A complete and total waste of time. A waste of years of my life, while he was getting on with his.


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## Brokenman70

You guys are right ..Im trying to be angry about the situation so I can have less pain and walk away..it sucks to be me right now. I am in AA and have been dry for several weeks. I dont miss being a drunk..I know exactly what happened the night before, i know what I said, where my keys and phone are...plus I feel very good! She basically describes her affair as an exit affair..from what I read it is pretty much that. Now she thinks she wants back in because she has seen changes in me that have I have never made before. She is sorry that she hurt my feelings,, but continues to stand by her decision to "act"on the affair because she says that at that time that was her way out. She's a hard ass and i need her to feel completely broken like I was in order for me to feel good about being with her..That is why im trying to push myself away from her, but it's extremely difficult


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## threelittlestars

Brokenman70 said:


> You guys are right ..Im trying to be angry about the situation so I can have less pain and walk away..it sucks to be me right now. I am in AA and have been dry for several weeks. I dont miss being a drunk..I know exactly what happened the night before, i know what I said, where my keys and phone are...plus I feel very good! She basically describes her affair as an exit affair..from what I read it is pretty much that. Now she thinks she wants back in because she has seen changes in me that have I have never made before. She is sorry that she hurt my feelings,, but continues to stand by her decision to "act"on the affair because she says that at that time that was her way out. She's a hard ass and i need her to feel completely broken like I was in order for me to feel good about being with her..That is why im trying to push myself away from her, but it's extremely difficult


Then she is a weak, unfaithful b*each. I am sorry that she is your wife, but her excuse about it being an exit affair is lame. Okay she did it to get out.... Why this method? Why do this? I dont care that she asked you for a divorce before, she did this to get back at you for all the years you did not listen to her. She did this to KICK you. 

Dude, stop accepting her excuse of an exit affair... even if it is that does not make her a good honest faithful person, it just makes her a vengeful unfaithful wayward.... 

Nothing to reconcile here. She will NEVER own her dysfunction.


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## Evinrude58

Brokenman70 said:


> You guys are right ..Im trying to be angry about the situation so I can have less pain and walk away..it sucks to be me right now. I am in AA and have been dry for several weeks. I dont miss being a drunk..I know exactly what happened the night before, i know what I said, where my keys and phone are...plus I feel very good! She basically describes her affair as an exit affair..from what I read it is pretty much that. *Now she thinks she wants back in because she has seen changes in me that have I have never made before. She is sorry that she hurt my feelings,, but continues to stand by her decision to "act"on the affair because she says that at that time that was her way out.* She's a hard ass and i need her to feel completely broken like I was in order for me to feel good about being with her..That is why im trying to push myself away from her, but it's extremely difficult


She wants back in because her affair partner wasn't as great as she hoped. She wants back in because she has a home and a man to help or totally pay the bills. She wants back in because you're codependent and take care of a lot of her problems and because she now knows she can do whatever the hell she wants and you'll tolerate it. Right now, you're showing her that you'll tolerate her having sex with another man.

Just how sorry is she that she hurt your feelings. She's not that damned sorry or she wouldn't be blaming her decision to screw another man because she wanted "out". That's illogical. She could get out by seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce.

You're feelings right now are as follows: You don't want a wife that would cheat on you, but you feel guilt for your own behavior and fear about moving on without her. Your brain is fighting against your emotions. Your emotions want you to swallow your pride and ignore a total betrayal and total lack of her begging your forgiveness. Your brain is telling you to get the **** out of a relationship with a deceitful cheater that shows no remorse.

What you need to do is this: Ask yourself what the logical thing to do is, disregarding all emotion. Do that.

You don't need anger or sadness or happiness or fearfulness in order to see the logical thing to do.

You don't have to feel shame for staying. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You can do whatever the hell you want. It's your life. You don't have to do what she wants or anyone else wants. Take some time to get out of this emotional state and don't do what you want. You've got time. 

If you are planning on dating your wife and treating her right and hoping she'll become remorseful? I can say that I haven't seen that work in the past. 

What I would hate is this: You spend years romancing your wife and hoping for a wife who truly loves you, only getting a wife that wants you for security while she works on another exit strategy with another man.

What I see is that when women do things like this, a show of total strength is all that ever has a chance of changing their mind about their feelings for a husband that they had such disdain for, they screwed another man. I think you need to show that kind of strength. 

It takes a lot of strength to break an addiction such as alcohol. I think she already is reacting positively to that. You need to show some decisiveness in your addiction to her as well. Show her what it looks like to lose YOU. Then you may see some change in her feelings toward you. Right now all you're getting is her falling back on plan B, Mr. Brokenman.

You gotta change that username. Broken men aren't attractive. Don't be that man.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Jharp said:


> UpsideDownWorld11 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe, but who gives a sh!t? OM didn't owe him anything, his wife did. She fks another man, she is the one who nuked the marriage. OM was a nobody, he has no skin in that game or any game if he is single. If it wasn't him it would probably be some other dude and you know there would be.
> 
> It sounds like a run of the mill exit affair. She had her fun, she doesn't want you, and now that she is used up and turned out she has no value to you anymore, get out with a shred of dignity and rebuild (without the booze). Show her some consequences, this will eat you alive eventually.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Wrong. Its thinking like this that allows other men to come in a wreck marriages that are vulnerable. These men must understand there is a price to be paid for involving yourself in another's Marriage. I would deserve it. As would any man or woman who got involved where they didn't belong.
Click to expand...


Nah, I see it as a good test. If your wife can't resist spreading her legs for other men than she is trash. There will always be guys that sniff around, it's your wife's job to shut it down. You think these women are victims? They are flirting right along, letting them know they crave it. 

Why go around hunting down men that were just a joy ride for her? You will just be fighting OMs all your life. That is a wasted life.


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## 3Xnocharm

Brokenman70 said:


> You guys are right ..Im trying to be angry about the situation so I can have less pain and walk away..it sucks to be me right now. I am in AA and have been dry for several weeks. I dont miss being a drunk..I know exactly what happened the night before, i know what I said, where my keys and phone are...plus I feel very good! She* basically describes her affair as an exit affair..*from what I read it is pretty much that. Now she thinks she wants back in because she has seen changes in me that have I have never made before. *She is sorry that she hurt my feelings,, but continues to stand by her decision to "act"on the affair because she says that at that time that was her way out.* She's a hard ass and i need her to feel completely broken like I was in order for me to feel good about being with her..That is why im trying to push myself away from her, but it's extremely difficult


You will never, ever have a true reconciliation with her having this attitude about what she did. She has no remorse, she isn't sorry she did it. Anything else that she says or does is invalid because of this. You might as well cut your losses and file now, you would be saving yourself so much heartache and wasted time.


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## TeddieG

threelittlestars said:


> Then she is a weak, unfaithful b*each. I am sorry that she is your wife, but her excuse about it being an exit affair is lame. Okay she did it to get out.... Why this method? Why do this? I dont care that she asked you for a divorce before, she did this to get back at you for all the years you did not listen to her. *She did this to KICK you*.
> 
> Dude, stop accepting her excuse of an exit affair... even if it is that does not make her a good honest faithful person, it just makes her a vengeful unfaithful wayward....
> 
> Nothing to reconcile here. She will NEVER own her dysfunction.


Either that, or she just didn't give a chit about you AT ALL. But I agree with the poster who says you're being strong by ending the drinking and she's attracted to that. She too is confused. She had it all set up in her head that once you found out she was cheating, you'd do all the heavy lifting and kick her out and divorce her, since she doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to file on her own, after threatening the year before. My ex was like that; he thought I'd throw him to the curb, but I was ready to address issues and he also wasn't in a hurry to leave for the AP. But in my case the OW had her claws in him, is a master manipulator, but also a drunk. 

So you've given her options. As others have said, she gets to keep Plan B while she tests the waters with the OW now that the affair is out in the open. The point of filing for divorce and kicking her out is so that you can operate from a place of strength, not weakness. And all these conversations about why she did it, what her motives were, etc., could be had while the divorce was filed, if she wanted to come back. She's manipulating you, and you're just learning how to wade through emotions because you've been pickling yourself from all the beer and avoiding pain and conflict and the need for change for a long time. 

So YOU'VE just now faced the reality of losing her, and it made you do a 180 (at least I hope you're doing the 180 as described here); don't you think that a wake-up call and a slap in the face from reality would make her do the same? To just pretend this never happened or accept her explanations for her behavior is a rug sweep. Look up the thread from River Rat on "a successful rugsweep," and take a look. 

Of course you're wishy-washy; you're so afraid that any step of strength you take will send her running into the arms of the OM. But dude, that ship has left the port. DON'T let her put her choice to cheat on you or anything you did or did not do. If she's like my ex, and you divorce her, in no time she'll be whining like a stuck pig that she's the victim and you threw her out. So what? She cheated. 

Stop with the manipulation she's getting away with already. She may be co-dependent, and I so totally understand the desire to be given a chance to make things right and save the marriage, but that ship has also sailed. If you guys are going to reconcile, you have to start with a brand new relationship based on healthy boundaries and a new set of rules. You're not going to save this all by yourself. And it is so co-dependent to try to change yourself to save something that is already so irretrievably broken.


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## dubsey

I think you're in a situation where you're better off divorced, get everything settled and be done.

Then, if you want to date, live together, FWB, whatever works for you, go ahead and do that. At the end, it would still be easy for either one of you to exit at any point you want. It'd keep both of you on your game, so long as you both wanted to be together.

I think it'd be good for you, and for her.

I'd say "I like the new me too. I'd like to keep him around, but, due to my history, I can't make that a promise. Unfortunately for you, that guy deserves a woman who won't cheat on him if he makes a mistake. I'm certain you can't provide that level of security"


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## TeddieG

dubsey said:


> I think you're in a situation where you're better off divorced, get everything settled and be done.
> 
> Then, if you want to date, live together, FWB, whatever works for you, go ahead and do that. At the end, it would still be easy for either one of you to exit at any point you want. It'd keep both of you on your game, so long as you both wanted to be together.
> 
> I think it'd be good for you, and for her.
> 
> *I'd say "I like the new me too. I'd like to keep him around, but, due to my history, I can't make that a promise. Unfortunately for you, that guy deserves a woman who won't cheat on him if he makes a mistake. I'm certain you can't provide that level of security*"


LOVE this. 

Do you think you OWE her a new and better you?


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## BarbedFenceRider

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Nah, I see it as a good test. If your wife can't resist spreading her legs for other men than she is trash. There will always be guys that sniff around, it's your wife's job to shut it down. You think these women are victims? They are flirting right along, letting them know they crave it.
> 
> Why go around hunting down men that were just a joy ride for her? You will just be fighting OMs all your life. That is a wasted life.


"White Knights and Beta Orbiters.."

Always around looking for the crumbs....The woman, always looking for ego kibbles....


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## Lostinthought61

Brokenman70 said:


> Y..That is why im trying to push myself away from her, but it's extremely difficult


can you describe how you are pushing yourself away ?


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## BluesPower

Brokenman70 said:


> You guys are right ..Im trying to be angry about the situation so I can have less pain and walk away..it sucks to be me right now. I am in AA and have been dry for several weeks. I dont miss being a drunk..I know exactly what happened the night before, i know what I said, where my keys and phone are...plus I feel very good! She basically describes her affair as an exit affair..from what I read it is pretty much that. Now she thinks she wants back in because she has seen changes in me that have I have never made before. She *is sorry that she hurt my feelings,, but continues to stand by her decision to "act"on the affair because she says that at that time that was her way out.* She's a hard ass and i need her to feel completely broken like I was in order for me to feel good about being with her..That is why im trying to push myself away from her, but it's extremely difficult


This (bolded) is completely and totally unacceptable, and should not stand. If this is the way that she feels, then YOU need to file for divorce. 

She had other choices, and she did not have to cheat like she did, and then not to own that behavior? No way. 

Look, part of your recovery with alcohol is going to be learning about yourself, and getting your self-respect back. 

If you don't file for divorce, or she does not become broken about what she has done, you will never get your self respect back. 

Please do not do that to yourself, you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day...


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## Brokenman70

Some really good responses here...I ask myself with all things aside..would I be happier with her or without? And I feel like being with her is the proper answer. I can forgive, only if she gets broken like me. I have very crappy days..sometimes to the point where i just want to be asleep and not think about real life, then suddenly I wake up to the thought of her having sex with another man..Today has been a much better day. I want to file for D, in hopes to turn her around, but there's a chance it could backfire on me. I wont file until I know that I can go thru it


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## dubsey

there's nothing wrong with getting divorced, and having a new & different relationship. The marriage you had is dead anyway. Whatever state your life is in, it's different than what it was, and you can't get that back, even if you wanted to.


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## TeddieG

Just be sure that you're preparing yourself for the reality that being with her is not being with the person she was, nor is your history, your life together, the same. Even if my ex had stayed and not left for the OW, had I been inclined to reconcile, nothing would have been the same. Whenever he was around during the times he told me he wanted to reconcile, I walked on eggshells for a good bit, afraid to do the wrong thing. For people who work hard at reconciliation and are patient with each others' learning curves (I mean both parties), it can be good. But rugsweeping is miserable. I know I would never have seen my ex the same way. I still love him because I love the guy he was (even though I often wonder if that was the real him or if the real him emerged in the circumstances of the affair), and I miss what we had, but I am under no illusions that if he stayed we would have been okay. I wished him well and told him I was happy for him that he is with someone he loves and who loves him (I didn't qualify it with 'someone he seems to love' and 'who seems to love him'). It was my way of letting go.


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## Evinrude58

Don’t file unless you mean it. Never bluff on a divorce. You are correctly thinking on that.


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## anchorwatch

@Brokenman70, 

Is your progress steady? You? ...your relationship?

Have you found IC for yourself?


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## Brokenman70

It's been a few weeks since I've posted on here. She is sorry that she hurt me but continues to try to make me believe that she had the affair as a way out of the marriage. I really don't believe this, but she is sticking to her answer. We have been going to counseling weekly and even attended a weekend program Retrouvaille. We are able to get stuff out from the past, but she just won't own up on the affair. Yes she said it was her decision to do it and she's not blaming me, but if only she owned up and broke down..it would make everything easier. I am still broken and for the last week I have been very angry about how I got betrayed. We are civil, still living in the same house , in the same bed and having daily talks about this. I dont know how much long I can put up..I am really getting exhausted and worn down with all this. Oh and I have not had a sip in 9 weeks


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## Lostinthought61

Brokeman, have you thought to tell her that, that she has broken you, that your exhausted and you have given up on trying anymore...say it this way, say nothing more, way away from her, go outside, go do something and allow her to contemplate your words.


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## 3Xnocharm

If she wont take ownership of what she has done, and has no remorse, you are beating a dead horse and your R will never work. She is not appreciating the gift she is being given. Don't let yourself stay roped into this for very long.


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## Clay2013

I really hate to say this but I would not even discuss reconciling or going to retroville until she starts really addressing this. There is no way she will be a safe partner to move forward with until she figures out why she did what she did. If she cant identify it then how can she watch for the things that push her in a dark place as well as see what boundaries to set up for herself. All you can do now is set your boundaries and your limits. If you don't then your in for a lot more pain than your experiencing now. Imagine spending the next few years with her and she does it again. Will you blame her then. 


My xW is a serial cheater. I don't blame her for it after she did it once. I blame myself for not seeing her for who she is and protecting myself and my children. The truth is there are other women out there that don't cheat. She is not showing herself worth by saying she is sorry. She should be showing it by doing the work that is needed and that she can and will learn from this and be a better person again.


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## personofinterest

3Xnocharm said:


> If she wont take ownership of what she has done, and has no remorse, you are beating a dead horse and your R will never work. She is not appreciating the gift she is being given. Don't let yourself stay roped into this for very long.


This.


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## bandit.45

She's not sorry for what she did, and never will be.


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## hurts-so-bad

Brokenman70 said:


> Married 24 years We have been having issues for a while. Every once in a while my wife and I would have arguments and then we'd kiss and make up. Im not an angel, I drink 5-6 days a week after I get back from work. I'll have 6-8 beers. So I really have left her feeling lonely. I noticed that our that past year she was friend with an old boyfriend on facebook, she said they are just friends and that was it. I also noticed that phone numbers from a different area code were showing up about once a moth on the cell phone call log. It was him, the ex. Well recently my wife said she was going to visit a friend in a city about 3 hours away, then she was going to meet up with her relatives 2 hours away from that city the next day. She made a semi-legit story about the first place she stayed, I know she was at her relatives the next day cuz i spoke with them. Well today she came clean cuz I saw 3 phone calls to her phone from the ex the day she went out of town and I asked her if she had seen and and she said yes. Then i asked if she slept with him and she admitted that she went to his apartment and spent the night. I asked if she had seen him before and she said only once a few months ago and slept with him. I asked if she loved him and she said they were just friends. She told me she wanted a divorce 2 weeks ago. I changed immediately 2 weeks ago and quit drinking. So now I am numb with her infidelity and I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I told her I am willing to forget and that I can get past this and I love her. I'm hurting!


The second you hear her say she still wants him instead of you, be gone emotionally from her. Fall out of love that second.


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## [email protected]

Hi Broken. I hope you are going to get rid of her. Is there an update?


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## Edmund

Brokenman70 said:


> It's been a few weeks since I've posted on here. She is sorry that she hurt me but continues to try to make me believe that she had the affair as a way out of the marriage. I really don't believe this, but she is sticking to her answer. We have been going to counseling weekly and even attended a weekend program Retrouvaille. We are able to get stuff out from the past, but she just won't own up on the affair. Yes she said it was her decision to do it and she's not blaming me, but if only she owned up and broke down..it would make everything easier. I am still broken and for the last week I have been very angry about how I got betrayed. We are civil, still living in the same house , in the same bed and having daily talks about this. I dont know how much long I can put up..I am really getting exhausted and worn down with all this. Oh and I have not had a sip in 9 weeks



Congratulations on staying sober. Get involved with a volunteer activity outside the home that will give you something else to think about. Spend as little time as possible with your wife, it just drags you down.

On your next anniversary or her birthday, tell her you are giving her the gift she has wanted and have her served with divorce papers.


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