# WIFE wanting to separate/divoce



## jlsmiles88 (Mar 24, 2010)

My W and I have been married for a about 5 years. We got married at a very young age, W-18, Me-21, we were deeply in love. After a year into the marriage we had our baby girl, a year later we had a baby boy. 

Things have been really rocky for us... without our parents helping out, we had to make it on our own for the past 3 years and we have definitely had our ups and downs. We both go to school, I have a full time job because i told her i didn't want her to work and be stressed out, i told her i can take it, leave it to me, so she quit her night job and just focused on school/kids.... nonetheless we were both still very stressed and tired... 

i was going to school from 8am-3pm then work from 4pm-11pm... m,t,w

sat,sun, i work 6am-3pm

I love my wife so much I had never said No to anything she wants, or wants to do. 

About 6 months ago, seems like my W has been going out with the girls at least 1-2 a month, for friends birthday, she has been like that ever since... i didn't have a problem with her going out hanging out with friends have a good time while i stayed at home watching our 2 kids...

i did however try to set some ground rules or compromise with her... she always goes out on a friday/saturday night, the very next morning i always have work at 6am, so i got to be up by 5am.... 

i tried being reasonable with her, at first i told her, can you please come home at 12am? i got work the next day and your kids are very fussy at night, she complained a little bit about how that wasn't enough time to go out, so i worked with her some more... i gave in to her and let her go out til 1am, and most recent 2 am... i didn't really care if i only got a few hours of sleep, i told myself, we're both parents, going to school, both stressed, she deserves to have time out with her friends to enjoy herself... i never once complain about only having a few hours of sleep...

besides being out late, i worry at lot about her, she mostly goes to dinner and clubbing with her girlfriends.... i told her i don't feel comfortable with her being out so late and drinking/partying, she fired back with, well i don't go out every weekend... 

the thing that worries me most is that when she does go out, she does not limit or control herself, at one point, she went out and got so wasted, she said she threw up in the club, got kicked out, blacked out with her friends and woke up the next day not really remembering what happened after being kicked out... after learning that info i was more scared/worried than ever... 

seems like her being out late has been the most common, reoccurring issue... here is where my story really beings... 

On Valentines day, she was able to say I love you, you've always treated me the best, I'm so happy to be with you... 

1 week later we had a little argument about watching the kids at night, she need to study on a Friday night, and i had work early next day, her test isn't until next Tuesday... so... we argued about watching the kids that night... things got pretty ugly... 

the next day at work i didn't contact her until around 12pm, i went home for lunch, i bought my W and kids favorite food and tried to make up with her... she then told me when i walked in the door... I'm moving out, moving with my sister...

i was so frustrated that day... i left her alone the previous night, the next day, and then tried to be sweet and make up with her.... and she tells me she's moving out... 

we had little arguments here and there and eventually led me to leave the house with the kids and some clothing, went to a friends house for a few days... came back days later and tried to work things out again and she tells me she hates that I'm trying to put a curfew on her, and that she wants me to be out of her personal life, i gave in to her once more, moved my kids back into the house and worked things out again....

things went smoothly for 1 week until the weekend came, it our baby boy's birthday was on a Tuesday and i had made plans with friends and family to celebrate his birthday on Saturday... W tells me her friends birthday dinner was on Friday and clubbing was on Saturday evening, i didn't object, she says she can do both on Saturday, Friday comes and I'm at home preparing food and getting ready for the next day, told my W to have a good time at dinner and enjoy herself, she tells me its only dinner and i'll be back home early....

i woke up around 3am and no sign of my W, woke up at 5am to get ready for work and still no sign of my W, went to work trying to shake it off that my W hasn't came home all night... at around 1pm i receive a text from her sister asking if i had heard from my W, i said no, whats the deal now, her sister says she still isn't home yet and was getting worried, at this point i was pissed and worried...

i ended up leaving work early, went home and helped her sister setup for my sons birthday party, everyone had shown up around 2pm and we were having a good time... i was still angry at my wife and worried but i couldn't really do much, told myself, today is my son's birthday and that i will not argue with my W at all.... she finally came home later that night around 9pm, when i saw her i asked, hey, what are you doing home.."in a friendly manner", i said... aren't you suppose to be clubbing with friends tonight? she just looked away and didn't' want to talk.... later that evening she tried to justify herself by saying, i didn't come home because its not working between us, and i told her... today is not about us... its about your own son's birthday... 

after all that BS i still forgave and forgot about it all... i just want my picture perfect family back, she's told me she's tired of trying to work at the marriage and wants a divorce... i'm pretty much furious up at this point, every time we have a serious argument its always ME that try to make things right again... so i called her bluff, i took my cars, the kids, whatever else i had away and moved to a friends for temp. spoke to her some more as to see if she really wants to divorce and says she insist on saying its not working for me, you've changed too late... i then proceeded to move my 2nd car and kids back to my parents place in IL, 2000 miles away from CA, she was okay with it, she's been alone for a week and a half and was miserable at first but then she adjusted to it and just proceeded with her normal life without me and the kids there... 

i can move the kids back to CA whenever i want, the only ones more hurt that myself are my kids... they're the one missing mommy and daddy at the moment... my W keeps insisting its not working and she's been really happy alone lately, she went to another friends birthday party not too long ago and was all dressed up, went to the club, got pictures with friends, and some guys.... i was really jealous at this point... i confronted her numerous times if she was seeing someone else and she says no... she is interested in another guy though, and the guy knows she has kids and doesn't mind.... all i'm thinking at this point is this guy just wants to get into my wifes pants.... although she says she's interested, she told the guy she's not looking for a relationship right now, and that she just wanted to be single... divorce papers aren't signed but she tells the world like we've already divorced....

she proceeds to tell me, this is not the life she wanted, she wanted to date someone for a few years, engage for another few years then get married, but she didn't get that, and now it seems like she's trying to achieve that now.... 

she says her feelings for me had died down the more we argue about stupid things and she didn't like my computer habits... and eventually she stopped loving me... i was really hurt, she has said a lot of hurtful things to me... i've been a wreck.. can't focus on work or school, missing my wife and kids... 

i've been running back to her every now and then and at the moment, i've decided to stay at the house and just really show her over and over how much i've changed... don't really know what to do, i keep asking her is it really worth it? small arguments to end our marriage and really break our family apart? all she says is i've changed too late, its been 3 months and i have changed completely, from entertaining myself at the computer to being the guy that does all the chores, cooks, and pays the bills... she says i've changed too late, i should have helped out more before and stopped gaming/surfing on the computer.... 

I love my wife so much, i really cannot see myself moving on without her...

what am i suppose to do..... do i just move back into the house, move my kids back... and keep showing her what a great guy i really am or should i move over to IL and be with my kids.... i'm afraid if move me and the kids back into the house and she takes off and leave.... it'll be even worse because i won't have any help here...

she says she knows how good i treat her, and knows how much i love her.. but she insists on telling me she doesn't love me anymore but still cares about me... yesterday we had a pretty good day, took her out for lunch bought her flowers, had a nice walk on the beach, and ended up spending the night together, nothing really intimate though... we were sleeping pretty close, and for a moment we did share a kiss and then some... but later she tells me she didn't' mean it and thought she was dreaming of someone else and not me.... i'm going nuts here... 

seems to me if i move her and the kids out of CA and over to IL the whole clubbing/drinking scene would be completely be over... but she refuses, even when the kids are there....

i've rambled so much i don't even know if all this is making sense.... 

what am i suppose to do.............


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The bad news is...you married too young. 

If you are ok raising your kids, you may as well just let her go. She needs to grow up, and she can't do that when she is tied down into a life she doesn't want.

I'm sorry, but I truly don't see your marriage working out. Try for a separation, until you both get out of college, and then see if you have enough still in common to get back together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OK, before you freak out, let me say that your marriage isn't 100% doomed. It's just that you have a really really hard road ahead of you. Here's why. You married a girl who likely had this vision in her head of marriage/babies/house, and it was, like most 18 year olds, just a fantasy - she had NO idea what she was really in for. That's just what girls do - they fantasize about what marriage will be like.

By itself, marriage while going to college wouldn't be that bad. But then you added a baby almost instantly, and then another. By the time she was 20-21, she was stuck with raising three kids (yes, I'm including YOU), trying to balance her time, survive college, giving up her life almost overnight, turning into an instant adult, all while she was still a teenager.

And as you admit, you weren't much help and support for her. So she was basically in it - all by herself. No wonder she snapped.

Now, you ask what can you do? I think in this case, it is a very slippery tightrope to walk. Right now, she sees marriage as a BIG FAT MISTAKE.

She probably thinks she should never have gotten married, or had kids, or even met you. She probably sees YOU as the problem. If she hadn't fallen for you, she'd still be free and easy, having fun in college like all her friends, flirting, trying on new COLLEGE guys instead of the high school guys she HAD been dating before you. 

But all that's gone now. (at least, if she stays married to you) She's stuck, life sucks, and she'll never get to experience LIFE because of you. Unless she just walks away. Or unless you LET her have that fun life while still being married. And if you do, you run the risk of all the guys she's likely meeting by going out.

So...what to do?

If you are set on trying to keep the marriage, I would...(this is tough)...well, of course you'd have to move back to CA. You may have to set up a separate home from her for now. Wait for her to get the 'fun' out of her system. She can't keep it up forever - you can't eat a banana split every day of your life; eventually it'll make you want to throw up. Learn from this, become SUPER steady and adult and responsible, and start over.

Ignore her actions for now. Let her ground herself. Take care of the kids and school and work or whatever it is you have to do...and show her (from her distance) what life with you would look like.

That said, you say you told her to quit her job. She's not working now? The first thing you need to do is STOP paying for anything she does or needs. If she wants to be single, she will have to accept the responsibility that being single entails - like BILLS! If she refuses to move home to you - and accept logical rules like no more going out more than once a month - then you calmly and lovingly tell her you understand she has to sow her oats and grow up - therefore, you are doing the right thing and letting her pay her own way. You are cancelling her cell phone and her credit cards and transferring her car payment to HER name, and anything else you need to do to separate homes. You will open a new bank account in your name. You will set up the day care in YOUR name, etc. If she wants to party, and be single, she will have to do it on her own dime. That alone will be the number one wakeup call for her, and you HAVE to do it. If you continue to pay her way, she will never come home to you.

Basically, that is all you can do. Take these steps, remain logical but loving, and take over as the responsible parent for your kids.


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## jlsmiles88 (Mar 24, 2010)

Glad I checked back this morning, ya i was totally freaking out... but all in all... the advice you gave me is 100% correct... i've just got to man up and go down that path and hope for the best... i'm going to sleep on it tonight, thnx for such a long and detailed replied, really means alot =) 

Will keep everyone posted!


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