# Momentos



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Curious, if you found a box with your partner's ex's photos and momentos, including for example; love notes, a love book, love boxes, photos, messages in bottles, souvenirs, stuffed toys, how would you react?

Do you think it's ok to be fond of such memories even if the love is gone? Or should it burn?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Does she have children with this man?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

uphillbattle said:


> Does she have children with this man?


Regardless of children. Not talking family photos. Photos of just them, notes given on anniversaries, promises written in notes, etc etc.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

I have a box of mementos that I started keeping when I was in the 7th grade, and kept adding to it until I was a senior in high school. I’m 57 now, so I started it about 45 years ago. It does have notes, cards, candles and other little mementos from old boyfriends, but it also has notes, cards, and little gifts that I received from my best friend, who is still my best friend to this day. It has some of the school papers that I wrote and kept, because I got really good grades on them, and the awards, trophies, and certificates that I earned for various accomplishments. And, finally, it has my diary that I wrote in from about the 4th grade, until my senior year of high school.

So, even though it has some mementos from old boyfriends, it isn’t about them as much as it’s about me. It’s a box filled with all kinds of memories from my life. It has all of the cards, letters, movie ticket stubs, concert ticket stubs, etc., from my husband, as well, who I started dating the summer before my senior year of high school began.

I might go through the box about once every five to 10 years, if that often. It’s a cardboard box, with no lid on it, and it’s currently sitting on a shelf in the garage. It has never been hidden from my husband or the kids. If anyone ever wanted to go through it, it wasn’t hiding, or kept in secret.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Did you already get a new partner, or is this strictly hypothetical?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

EI said:


> I have a box of mementos that I started keeping when I was in the 7th grade, and kept adding to it until I was a senior in high school. I’m 57 now, so I started it about 45 years ago. It does have notes, cards, candles and other little mementos from old boyfriends, but it also has notes, cards, and little gifts that I received from my best friend, who is still my best friend to this day. It has some of the school papers that I wrote and kept, because I got really good grades on them, and the awards, trophies, and certificates that I earned for various accomplishments. And, finally, it has my diary that I wrote in from about the 4th grade, until my senior year of high school.
> 
> So, even though it has some mementos from old boyfriends, it isn’t about them as much as it’s about me. It’s a box filled with all kinds of memories from my life. It has all of the cards, letters, movie ticket stubs, concert ticket stubs, etc., from my husband, as well, who I started dating the summer before my senior year of high school began.
> 
> I might go through the box about once every five to 10 years, if that often. It’s a cardboard box, with no lid on it, and it’s currently sitting on a shelf in the garage. It has never been hidden from my husband or the kids. If anyone ever wanted to go through it, it wasn’t hiding, or kept in secret.


Hmmmm, maybe I should keep it in a box alongside the rest of my crap too. It'll look less special lol



CharlieParker said:


> Did you already get a new partner, or is this strictly hypothetical?


Strictly hypothetical in my case. Still in day 7, archiving FB messages, saving photos/videos, boxing momentos. I mean, it's quite a bit to box, got a copy of the very first love note I gave her. Plenty of her handwritten notes, some with stickers one letter at a time. She poured her love in these, so hard to just throw it away in fear of my future partner's reactions, but I have to move on.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Not every breakup is horrible. You can walk away from someone because you no longer want to build a life together but that doesn't mean you didn't make some good memories together. I think there is nothing wrong with keeping a box of mementos. I have such a box myself. I think it becomes a problem if your new guy/girl is going through that old box of memories often because it could be a sign they are living in the past or not happy with you. If it's just a box that sits in a closet somewhere, no harm in it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Enigma32 said:


> Not every breakup is horrible. You can walk away from someone because you no longer want to build a life together but that doesn't mean you didn't make some good memories together. I think there is nothing wrong with keeping a box of mementos. I have such a box myself. I think it becomes a problem if your new guy/girl is going through that old box of memories often because it could be a sign they are living in the past or not happy with you. If it's just a box that sits in a closet somewhere, no harm in it.


It was four years of my life, with some of the most fondest memories of a love shared but was never meant to be forever. And hell 1/5 of her life  !

Just thinking because with her, it was so easy with other exs, I never loved them, I kept a few photos of fond times but everything else is like whatever. I think I still do have a few souvenirs but forgot where they are. Maybe lost now, meh. I dunno, this one quite a tad more important than the others.

I dunno, ex wasn't happy whenever she even saw the photos of my previous ex. Just imagining my next one seeing all the love notes and what not lol the FK am I gonna say?
Is "Look, she was an important part of my life, just as I'm sure others in your life were important in yours, you need to accept that she played a part in who I am today, and I have no shame when I say it's a good memory" enough?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> I dunno, ex wasn't happy whenever she even saw the photos of my previous ex. Just imagining my next one seeing all the love notes and what not lol the FK am I gonna say?
> Is "Look, she was an important part of my life, just as I'm sure others in your life were important in yours, you need to accept that she played a part in who I am today, and I have no shame when I say it's a good memory" enough?


If you try hanging those pics around the house, you are gonna have a problem. If you put all that stuff in a box somewhere and leave it there, then you shouldn't have any issues. If you meet a new partner that has a problem with your box of stuff, then they are likely not very emotionally mature. As long as your past isn't out there looking them in the face every day, they should be able to let it go.

You are still fresh from a breakup man. One day, you won't care as much about all this stuff. I have a bix of stuff but I don't even know what is in there anymore. I don't think about the past so much because I think about the person I am with now. You'll get there.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This may go against the norm here but if your relationship is over then it’s over. Memories are in your head and the sooner you get them out of your head the sooner you can move on.
My previous dating life amounted to a hell of a lot of exes.
Pictures or letters from exes. Zero.
I don’t live in the past and neither should anyone else if they really want to move on.
By the way I seen your breakup thread but I didn’t read it. If you’re still grieving then just ignore what I wrote.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Enigma32 said:


> If you try hanging those pics around the house, you are gonna have a problem. If you put all that stuff in a box somewhere and leave it there, then you shouldn't have any issues. If you meet a new partner that has a problem with your box of stuff, then they are likely not very emotionally mature. As long as your past isn't out there looking them in the face every day, they should be able to let it go.
> 
> You are still fresh from a breakup man. One day, you won't care as much about all this stuff. I have a bix of stuff but I don't even know what is in there anymore. I don't think about the past so much because I think about the person I am with now. You'll get there.


Hahaha nah I'm not that stupid  !
True, I guess it's still fresh but fk... she glued each letter one at a time... 

Admittedly I'm likely going to compare. Like how not? 



Andy1001 said:


> This may go against the norm here but if your relationship is over then it’s over. Memories are in your head and the sooner you get them out of your head the sooner you can move on.
> My previous dating life amounted to a hell of a lot of exes.
> Pictures or letters from exes. Zero.
> I don’t live in the past and neither should anyone else if they really want to move on.
> By the way I seen your breakup thread but I didn’t read it. If you’re still grieving then just ignore what I wrote.


Still grieving mate, not for the person screw that but the memories. It's like having H in my system 4 years straight with no side effects.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If my partner had to keep a whole large box(es) of love letters, souvenirs, a "love book" and "love boxes" -- whatever those are, stuffed animals, messages in bottles, etc. from an ex, and was still keeping them in the event OUR relationship was very serious, I'd be perturbed. The sheer volume. And he's gotta keep stuffed animals? 

At a certain point I think that stuff should be let go.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Livvie said:


> If my partner had to keep a whole large box(es) of love letters, souvenirs, a "love book" and "love boxes" -- whatever those are, stuffed animals, messages in bottles, etc. from an ex, and was still keeping them in the event OUR relationship was very serious, I'd be perturbed. The sheer volume. And he's gotta keep stuffed animals?
> 
> At a certain point I think that stuff should be let go.


Yeah, this is exactly what I'm afraid of.

How about a box with the rest of my junk to make it less special?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Yeah, this is exactly what I'm afraid of.
> 
> How about a box with the rest of my junk to make it less special?


That would be much better.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Livvie said:


> That would be much better.


What if one day you look through it and with handwritten notes says sh-t like 

"can't wait to continue growing together through good and bad until we're old old" 
"I hope you feel special on your birthday because you do mean everything to me"
"and I wouldn't trade any moment we had for anything else"
"I know you hate this day alot because it officialy means you're 1 year older so 34!"
"8 years until 40!"
"^ why does look like 8 but you're still a smexy young man to me"
"I promise to always love you with everything that I have"

Etc etc


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

As for love boxes, and what they are...


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

When my wife of 11 years died; due to medical negligence; in 2002. She had so much stuff that was very important to her. Clothes Christmas decorations, collectibles, photos. There was no way to keep it all. I cherry picked a few to keep; the rest I took pictures of to remember & then got rid of. It was at times soul crushing doing this & I may have been too eager in my pain to push through it. I have small mementos of some of the gals I dated after she died as well, a bracelet, blanket, coffee cup & tea pot. I keep these as though these relashinpes failed because I did my best. In the end we all must make these choices . here is a pict from my late wife’s collection I photo’ed and dumped


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> When my wife of 11 years died; due to medical negligence; in 2002. She had so much stuff that was very important to her. Clothes Christmas decorations, collectibles, photos. There was no way to keep it all. I cherry picked a few to keep; the rest I took pictures of to remember & then got rid of. It was at times soul crushing doing this & I may have been too eager in my pain to push through it. I have small mementos of some of the gals I dated after she died as well, a bracelet, blanket, coffee cup & tea pot. I keep these as though these relashinpes failed because I did my best. In the end we all must make these choices . here is a pict from my late wife’s collection I photo’ed and dumped
> View attachment 78287


Damn man... for me it's like I'm grieving too for the death of a loved one, as the person she is now isn't her.

With dates did they say anything about it? Did you show them or tell them?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> What if one day you look through it and with handwritten notes says sh-t like
> 
> "can't wait to continue growing together through good and bad until we're old old"
> "I hope you feel special on your birthday because you do mean everything to me"
> ...


Which of you couldn’t count?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Andy1001 said:


> Which of you couldn’t count?


Errrr, don't have someone right now. What you mean?

Those were her notes lol


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Hahaha nah I'm not that stupid  !
> True, I guess it's still fresh but fk... she glued each letter one at a time...
> 
> Admittedly I'm likely going to compare. Like how not?


The comparisons happen at the beginning when you first meet someone new. They should stop eventually. 


RandomDude said:


> Damn man... for me it's like I'm grieving too for the death of a loved one, as the person she is now isn't her.
> 
> With dates did they say anything about it? Did you show them or tell them?


Man, you don't SHOW this stuff to new women. You don't tell them about it. We are all allowed to have some small measure of privacy. If you one day get with someone new and you move in together, she might ask about the box one day. Just say it is a box of old memories and leave it at that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Enigma32 said:


> The comparisons happen at the beginning when you first meet someone new. They should stop eventually.


True, I'll probably learn to appreciate the stuff they have that my ex doesn't have.



> Man, you don't SHOW this stuff to new women. You don't tell them about it. We are all allowed to have some small measure of privacy. If you one day get with someone new and you move in together, she might ask about the box one day. Just say it is a box of old memories and leave it at that.


True until they start digging


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> True, I'll probably learn to appreciate the stuff they have that my ex doesn't have.
> 
> True until they start digging


If you find yourself comparing your new girl to your ex and she doesn't measure up then you should walk away. Trade up.

If she starts digging through your stuff then you have another problem and that is your new lady doesn't respect your privacy. That stuff is really none of her business.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Enigma32 said:


> If you find yourself comparing your new girl to your ex and she doesn't measure up then you should walk away. Trade up.
> If she starts digging through your stuff then you have another problem and that is your new lady doesn't respect your privacy. That stuff is really none of her business.


True 

Ah fk it, boxing it with the rest of my crap.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

OP i did the same thing except the photos were stored on my amazon photos account. Well, we got a fire stick for our TV, and the screensaver syncs to your amazon photos and goes through a slideshow. One day the wife and I were looking at pictures on the slideshow and lo and behold soem of me and my ex started popping up. My daughter was like "who is that daddy?" lmao. Luckily that relationship was way before the wife but so we got a good laugh out of it


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

johndoe12299 said:


> OP i did the same thing except the photos were stored on my amazon photos account. Well, we got a fire stick for our TV, and the screensaver syncs to your amazon photos and goes through a slideshow. One day the wife and I were looking at pictures on the slideshow and lo and behold soem of me and my ex started popping up. My daughter was like "who is that daddy?" lmao. Luckily that relationship was way before the wife but so we got a good laugh out of it


LOL!

Well glad that wasn't too awkward. Yeah, maybe that's it, just a good memory, part of our lives as we move on.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i suppose it depends on how poorly the breakup went, and how personal the momentos are.

If it was like the War of the Roses, just throw them all away.
if it was somewhat amicable...why not just put them all in a box and mail them to the ex? that way they are no longer on your mind, and if someday you DO want to reconcile, you have not burned your bridges behind you.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

It depends. 

I remember packing a box of all the stuff an ex gave me and giving it back to him. I also got rid of all the love letters he gave me. This guy dumped me and broke my heart.

Getting rid of his stuff helped me move on.

You can pack everything in those big Rubbermaid storage boxes and put them away. Later you can decide what to do with those boxes.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I have saved one thing in 45 years, other than some pictures that just kind of chronical my life. 

When in highschool the girls had to take a semester of wood working shop and my girlfriend made me this little love box. Turned out very nice and she even did some carving on it. She put some little trinkets in it and coupons for some "favors". These days that box has some silver coins in it, a two dollar bill that was in my brothers pocket when he died, an old watch that was my dad's, couple of other family keep sakes. It's one of those things I just have never considered throwing out.

When my marriage broke up and my ex moved out I went on a massive purge. Part of it was finally being able to clean and organize the house but I think I was also trying to erase her scent. lol


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

I have a box full of random mementos, including some old letters from exes, some from friends, cards from family members, etc. I don't consider that a big deal because it's a bunch of random memories of different people with exes mixed in. But I think having one box devoted just to keepsakes from one particular ex is a little different.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Not sure there's a right answer to this, as everyone is different. I can only say what we do in our relationship, and neither of us have any mementos from ex's. I do still have old letters from my school best friend, and certificates/assignments etc. But got rid of everything from my ex's. Not straight away, but once my husband and I became serious and decided to live together, it just didn't seem appropriate somehow to bring those things with me so I ditched them. I came across some small trinkets of his from his high school ex while clearing out a closet to make room, and asked him what he wanted to do with them and he didn't hesitate to say to toss them (good answer husband 😂 )

These were ex's though, we broke up. In the case of someone who's spouse has died, that's a different ballgame altogether. They didn't choose to leave them, they died, and the reality is that had they not died, they wouldn't be with their current partner. One of many reasons I wouldn't get involved with a widower, I just couldn't handle it, takes a very special person to do that I think.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frusdil said:


> Not sure there's a right answer to this, as everyone is different. I can only say what we do in our relationship, and neither of us have any mementos from ex's. I do still have old letters from my school best friend, and certificates/assignments etc. But got rid of everything from my ex's. Not straight away, but once my husband and I became serious and decided to live together, it just didn't seem appropriate somehow to bring those things with me so I ditched them. I came across some small trinkets of his from his high school ex while clearing out a closet to make room, *and asked him what he wanted to do with them and he didn't hesitate to say to toss them (good answer husband 😂 )*


LOL!  



> These were ex's though, we broke up. In the case of someone who's spouse has died, that's a different ballgame altogether. They didn't choose to leave them, they died, and the reality is that had they not died, they wouldn't be with their current partner. One of many reasons I wouldn't get involved with a widower, I just couldn't handle it, takes a very special person to do that I think.


I guess for me it's weighing on my mind because I did truly love for the first time. And the effort she made, little pegs, little photos, letters pieced together one at a time, little strings with messages in bottles attached, sweet soft words handwritten. A love book detailing everything she loved about me, I mean, I never got such before. It was raw and real just not meant to last.


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## The IT Guy (Oct 17, 2020)

I've kept some things I really should have deleted long ago. They're mostly screenshots from text/emails or whatnot from happier times when I had thought I'd found my special someone. And these were recent. But you seem as if you're doing much better than you were, RD.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The IT Guy said:


> I've kept some things I really should have deleted long ago. They're mostly screenshots from text/emails or whatnot from happier times when I had thought I'd found my special someone. And these were recent. But you seem as if you're doing much better than you were, RD.


Yeah, day 9 right now. I'll get there


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I have a box that has stuff like the letters that we sent back and forth when I was in boot camp and other similar stuff. My current girlfriend is well aware of my exwife and our coparenting relationship. She is in no way threatened therefrom. She's still kind of bitter about her ex husband (cheated on her and was acrimonious during the divorce) and there's still stuff associated to him in her house (she kept the marital home) but she's basically just not dealt with the volume of crap yet rather than saving for sentimental reasons. She kind of kept the step daughter (has a better relationship with her than her ex husband from what I've gathered). I support that.


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## /ˌlaNG ˈzīn/ (Sep 5, 2021)

I don't see any harm in holding on to momentos. Some people are very sentimental. I'm guilty of this. I have things from my very first ballet slippers to movie ticket stubs and everything in between - including old love letters. The last time I went through my box was with my youngest daughter, she wanted to see my HS year book. We ended up going through everything and had a lot of fun doing it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Curious, if you found a box with your partner's ex's photos and momentos, including for example; love notes, a love book, love boxes, photos, messages in bottles, souvenirs, stuffed toys, how would you react?
> 
> Do you think it's ok to be fond of such memories even if the love is gone? Or should it burn?


I think it's fine to value your past life. To me, it means at least that everything you lived you don't regret and wasn't a total lost cause. Anyone burned my momentos, the whole house would be up in smoke, and so would their backside.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Curious question, because up until the day of the breakup of my relationship, she was in tears non-stop, wanted hugs, pinned herself against me. She kept delaying what she wanted so I just helped her carry her stuff out the door and drove her home. She took her time leaving the car and was in tears. I offered her solutions but she would have none of it so ok. 

After she left though, and I swung around, realising what I had actually lost, she had already changed. The tears were gone, face was different, hands, voice and tone cold as ice. Even a smile and smirk. That's when I realised she was gone. But looking back it sure makes me wonder though...

Has anyone else encountered this switch? When someone can do that, does this mean everything was fake, the entire relationship? I'm questioning everything now, how real was everything really? In fact, I may dig up everything just to chuck it if that's the case and don't want to remember how I was blindsided.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Curious question, because up until the day of the breakup of my relationship, she was in tears non-stop, wanted hugs, pinned herself against me. She kept delaying what she wanted so I just helped her carry her stuff out the door and drove her home. She took her time leaving the car and was in tears. I offered her solutions but she would have none of it so ok.
> 
> After she left though, and I swung around, realising what I had actually lost, she had already changed. The tears were gone, face was different, hands, voice and tone cold as ice. Even a smile and smirk. That's when I realised she was gone. But looking back it sure makes me wonder though...
> 
> Has anyone else encountered this switch? When someone can do that, does this mean everything was fake, the entire relationship? I'm questioning everything now, how real was everything really? In fact, I may dig up everything just to chuck it if that's the case and don't want to remember how I was blindsided.


If it makes you feel any better, I think there are probably as many or more fake relationships than real ones these days. As you say, if someone's confessed feelings are actually true, then how do they just turn them off the way they do? I've seen people do some really, really crappy things to the people they swore they loved just a few short weeks or even days ago. 

Keep in mind I am a cynical guy but my theory is that most people aren't really in love, they just get their needs met from someone else. In many cases, once they feel they can get their needs better met elsewhere, or if you slack off for any length of time, all that love talk goes away and your partner will bail.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Enigma32 said:


> If it makes you feel any better, I think there are probably as many or more fake relationships than real ones these days. As you say, if someone's confessed feelings are actually true, then how do they just turn them off the way they do? I've seen people do some really, really crappy things to the people they swore they loved just a few short weeks or even days ago.
> 
> Keep in mind I am a cynical guy but my theory is that most people aren't really in love, they just get their needs met from someone else. In many cases, once they feel they can get their needs better met elsewhere, or if you slack off for any length of time, all that love talk goes away and your partner will bail.


My ex isn't super vicious, but yeah I do question how one minute she was all pinning herself against me and the next minute who is that in my car?

Been reading this thread again and again and again: His needs, her needs, not good enough...
I just can't stop reading it, we should have ended there and then. That was 2 years ago.

I don't know anymore really, it's like I've been living in a fantasy world for 4 years. Is this the reality of love and promises?
If so, I'm not even so sure if I really want to be vulnerable again anymore, it was great sure, but it's like I'm coming out of a high from a drug that just isn't reality.

I was *FAR* more in control in relationships where I was not in love with them.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> Curious question, because up until the day of the breakup of my relationship, she was in tears non-stop, wanted hugs, pinned herself against me. She kept delaying what she wanted so I just helped her carry her stuff out the door and drove her home. She took her time leaving the car and was in tears. I offered her solutions but she would have none of it so ok.
> 
> After she left though, and I swung around, realising what I had actually lost, she had already changed. The tears were gone, face was different, hands, voice and tone cold as ice. Even a smile and smirk. That's when I realised she was gone. But looking back it sure makes me wonder though...
> 
> Has anyone else encountered this switch? When someone can do that, does this mean everything was fake, the entire relationship? I'm questioning everything now, how real was everything really? In fact, I may dig up everything just to chuck it if that's the case and don't want to remember how I was blindsided.


I think what happened is very common within relationships. What you saw was her hoping and hanging on...and then when you didn't respond to her, when you showed you were willing to end things with her while you saw she was broken hearted and wanting you to love her, the doors in her heart closed off to you. It doesn't mean anything was fake at all. I'm sure she is just as hurt by the loss of your relationship as you are! 

What stands out to me is that the way she acted when she gave up (detached, uncaring, cold as ice) is the way you acted towards her BEFORE she gave up, even during your relationship when you guys were fighting...does that mean all your feelings of love that you showed her, or your feelings for her now, are fake? No, of course not. 

It sounds like at the end, she became YOU. She accepted that you were never going to change (after you told her several times you wouldn't), and realized she had to harden her heart in order to let you go. You would harden your heart during your relationship, even though you loved her...she had to harden hers at the end, even though she loves you.

Her feelings and love for you were and are as real as yours were and are.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

The only momentos that I could see causing serious issues would be erotic letters or an old VHS of a guy's wife pulling a train on five guys during her college days. Some things you just don't keep.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> I think what happened is very common within relationships. What you saw was her hoping and hanging on...and then when you didn't respond to her, when you showed you were willing to end things with her while you saw she was broken hearted and wanting you to love her, the doors in her heart closed off to you. It doesn't mean anything was fake at all. I'm sure she is just as hurt by the loss of your relationship as you are!
> 
> What stands out to me is that the way she acted when she gave up (detached, uncaring, cold as ice) is the way you acted towards her BEFORE she gave up, even during your relationship when you guys were fighting...does that mean all your feelings of love that you showed her, or your feelings for her now, are fake? No, of course not.
> 
> ...


🏆 💯


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> I think what happened is very common within relationships. What you saw was her hoping and hanging on...and then when you didn't respond to her, when you showed you were willing to end things with her while you saw she was broken hearted and wanting you to love her, the doors in her heart closed off to you. It doesn't mean anything was fake at all. I'm sure she is just as hurt by the loss of your relationship as you are!
> 
> What stands out to me is that the way she acted when she gave up (detached, uncaring, cold as ice) is the way you acted towards her BEFORE she gave up, even during your relationship when you guys were fighting...does that mean all your feelings of love that you showed her, or your feelings for her now, are fake? No, of course not.
> 
> ...


Looks like I taught her well.

I just don't understand it, I offered solutions, counselling as well she didn't want anything to do with it, she already made up her mind. Why bother with the tears and stuff? In the end I was also exhausted - we have been fighting about this for 2 years, and I didn't want her either if she was just going to be unhappy all the time.

On our last contact she told me her feelings are gone and she's happiest by herself or with someone who can give her what she wants from start to end. I've never spoken to her since. As hardened as I was, it could only be up to a point before I start to thaw again. For her it's just ice now, I've never seen it.

I just don't understand anymore, and if she became me, she became worse that me. 










I guess the pupil became the master huh?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> Looks like I taught her well.
> 
> I just don't understand it, I offered solutions, counselling as well she didn't want anything to do with it, she already made up her mind. Why bother with the tears and stuff? In the end I was also exhausted - we have been fighting about this for 2 years, and I didn't want her either if she was just going to be unhappy all the time.
> 
> ...


No, not at all! It wasn't something she learned from you, to punish you with or to get back at you. 
I didn't bring that up to point out that you deserved this, I was trying to explain so that you could see the parallel and understand what is happening.

It is an emotional DEFENSE MECHANISM that most humans use, just like it was for you when you would do it. She loved and loves you...she just had to close her heart off to protect it from the pain...the same way that you didn't want to deal with her emotionally and would shut down. The coldness comes from denying the attachment you feel, not from a lack of love.

When you acted that way during your fights, you were protecting your heart from a perceived danger from her. Now she is doing that. You were able to "thaw" as you say, once you felt emotionally safe again...but she has decided that she will never be emotionally safe with you...so she won't allow herself to thaw. 

And you aren't seeing her right now, she could be crying and struggling every day as she let's go of her hope and love for you...do not doubt that she is grieving for the loss of what she dreamed of with you. 

Her feelings and love were all VERY genuine and real, just as yours were very real.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> No, not at all! It wasn't something she learned from you, to punish you with or to get back at you.
> I didn't bring that up to point out that you deserved this, I was trying to explain so that you could see the parallel and understand what is happening.
> 
> It is an emotional DEFENSE MECHANISM that most humans use, just like it was for you when you would do it. She loved and loves you...she just had to close her heart off to protect it from the pain...the same way that you didn't want to deal with her emotionally and would shut down. The coldness comes from denying the attachment you feel, not from a lack of love.
> ...


I don't know, she's like a different person. How could she learn to become me... worse than me... so quickly?

Just her eyes, posture, face, words, I don't know. And if she was grieving for the loss I've already offered her a way out on day 5, solutions. All that came from that was a very respectful F off.

So right now the image I have of her is joyful and happy, probably messaging the guys lined up for her who if it wasn't for the lockdown would probably be having a party going 
"SHES *FINALLY SINGLE!* OMFG! *FINALLY!* WAAAA PARTY!"  

🤦‍♂️ Hell I don't know anymore.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> I just don't understand it, I offered solutions, counselling as well she didn't want anything to do with it, she already made up her mind. Why bother with the tears and stuff? In the end I was also exhausted - we have been fighting about this for 2 years, and *I didn't want her either if she was just going to be unhappy all the time.*


From what you wrote about how things ended, it sounds to me like what she wanted was for you to respond to her out of love when she was showing you she didn't want to leave...but that was when you kept pushing her away. So she gave you what you said you wanted. And that is what changed her mind finally, I believe.

You only offered her those things AFTER you knew she was pulling her heart away and you were really going to lose her. I think she got that message from you (that I bolded), and decided you were right.

And there is nothing wrong with this, I am NOT saying you are to blame!! But I think she is trying to do the mature, best thing for both of you - she is trying to let go so you can both move on to better partners who will meet both of your needs in a way that you couldn't for eachother.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> From what you wrote about how things ended, *it sounds to me like what she wanted was for you to respond to her out of love when she was showing you she didn't want to leave*...but that was when you kept pushing her away. So she gave you what you said you wanted. And that is what changed her mind finally, I believe.
> 
> You only offered her those things AFTER you knew she was pulling her heart away and you were really going to lose her. I think she got that message from you (that I bolded), and decided you were right.


Why do women do this? If you say you want to leave, as guys what are supposed to do? I DID offer solutions before I took her home but if it's all rejected what else can we do either than give you what you want?



> And there is nothing wrong with this, I am NOT saying you are to blame!! *But I think she is trying to do the mature, best thing for both of you - she is trying to let go so you can both move on to better partners who will meet both of your needs in a way that you couldn't for eachother.*


Yeah, and this why I defend her and say that she was not a child despite her age. What she lacked in life experience she had maturity beyond her years.

_sigh_


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> I don't know, she's like a different person. How could she learn to become me... worse than me... so quickly?
> 
> Just her eyes, posture, face, words, I don't know. And if she was grieving for the loss I've already offered her a way out on day 5, solutions. All that came from that was a very respectful F off.
> 
> ...


I really doubt she is messaging guys -- that is YOUR coping strategy, not hers. I think her heart is wounded, she was more needy than you were emotionally, and I think she is going to be very cautious going forward. Her relationship with you probably taught her alot about herself and what she wants. I doubt a line of new guys offers anything of any value for her. 

I think on Day 5, she was done. The person she was before was open-hearted to you and loved you and trusted you. This new person has closed her heart to you and is protecting it from her feelings for you, so she can stay strong in breaking away from you. 

What you offered on Day 5 had no more value to her, because she needed it on Day 0, but you refused her then. So most likely, she sees you as unreliable emotionally, and she is believing what you told her when she first left you -- you will not change, and if you don't make her happy the way you are, you guys don't belong together.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> I really doubt she is messaging guys -- that is YOUR coping strategy, not hers. I think her heart is wounded, she was more needy than you were emotionally, and I think she is going to be very cautious going forward. Her relationship with you probably taught her alot about herself and what she wants. I doubt a line of new guys offers anything of any value for her.
> 
> I think on Day 5, she was done. The person she was before was open-hearted to you and loved you and trusted you. This new person has closed her heart to you and is protecting it from her feelings for you, so she can stay strong in breaking away from you.
> 
> What you offered on Day 5 had no more value to her, because she needed it on Day 0, but you refused her then. So most likely, she sees you as unreliable emotionally, and she is believing what you told her when she first left you -- you will not change, and if you don't make her happy the way you are, you guys don't belong together.


_sigh_ Yeah, QFT. 

Fine, if this is true, think I'll keep the momentos then. It was real after all, kinda makes it quite a lot more depressing you know.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> Why do women do this? If you say you want to leave, as guys what are supposed to do? I DID offer solutions before I took her home but if it's all rejected what else can we do either than give you what you want?


Well, from what you wrote (and I don't remember exactly), I think most of the solutions were, I'm ME and I can't change.
You said she was standing there crying, and YOU took her stuff out to the car so she could leave you...is that what happened?

I do believe she needed more from you emotionally than you were willing to give her, and you didn't sound like you were willing to even TRY, which is ok, no one should change if they don't want to, and maybe you are totally correct about your emotional needs just being too far apart...BUT then what you are seeing in how she acted with you, and how she is acting now, is just her attempts to let you go and break away. She HAS to become a different person, because the person you know would do almost anything for you and wanted you in her heart -- she can't feel that now if she is going to move on without you. She IS trying to be a different person to you.



RandomDude said:


> Yeah, and this why I defend her and say that she was not a child despite her age. What she lacked in life experience she had maturity beyond her years.


I know, and to be honest (and examine this when you are more able), there were parts in your threads and posts about her where she sounded more emotionally mature than you did to me. But there is nothing wrong with that! You had your strengths too, because she loved ALOT about you. 

I believe her love and care for you were deep and true and very real. You should treasure it because now you know what you want, and what is possible!



RandomDude said:


> Fine, if this is true, think I'll keep the momentos then. It was real after all, kinda makes it quite a lot more depressing you know.


YES...I know, and I'm SO SORRY you are going through this. It's awful, it's like a death, it really is. You just keep trying to hide from the pain of it (which I understand), but you will just be postponing your healing if you do. Let yourself grieve, don't try and escape it, because you really can't.

I really do believe that if you feel you need to chat with people, you should find a Grief and Loss group - I'll bet there are some online - and talk to people who will be able to actually help you with this whole process. Chatting women up is diverting and slightly enticing for a minute, but it's so shallow right now and not at all what you need to accomplish any REAL healing.

Remember, you don't want to use a crutch...you want two healthy feet.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> Well, from what you wrote (and I don't remember exactly), I think most of the solutions were, I'm ME and I can't change.


My solution was to keep trying, and seek counselling. Guess it wasn't enough.



> You said she was standing there crying, and YOU took her stuff out to the car so she could leave you...is that what happened?


I just packed up her stuff ready for her, and opened the door and led her out. Took her home to her parents, and told her if that's her decision not to keep delaying it.



> I do believe she needed more from you emotionally than you were willing to give her, and you didn't sound like you were willing to even TRY, which is ok, no one should change if they don't want to, and maybe you are totally correct about your emotional needs just being too far apart...BUT then what you are seeing in how she acted with you, and how she is acting now, is just her attempts to let you go and break away. She HAS to become a different person, because the person you know would do almost anything for you and wanted you in her heart -- she can't feel that now if she is going to move on without you. She IS trying to be a different person to you.


But these lessons are wrong, if she becomes me she's just going to make MY mistakes in the future. I just hope she knows what she's doing with this new mechanism of hers.



> I know, and to be honest (and examine this when you are more able), there were parts in your threads and posts about her where *she sounded more emotionally mature than you did to me*. But there is nothing wrong with that! You had your strengths too, because she loved ALOT about you.


Damn right she was. It's kinda amazing at the same time isn't it? You know she's not even 22 yet. As much as I hate what has happened you can imagine how blessed I feel to have met someone like that and shared my life with her for 4 years.



> I believe her love and care for you were deep and true and very real. You should treasure it because now you know what you want, and what is possible!
> YES...I know, and I'm SO SORRY you are going through this. It's awful, it's like a death, it really is. You just keep trying to hide from the pain of it (which I understand), but you will just be postponing your healing if you do. Let yourself grieve, don't try and escape it, because you really can't.
> I really do believe that if you feel you need to chat with people, you should find a Grief and Loss group - I'll bet there are some online - and talk to people who will be able to actually help you with this whole process. Chatting women up is diverting and slightly enticing for a minute, but it's so shallow right now and not at all what you need to accomplish any REAL healing.
> Remember, you don't want to use a crutch...you want two healthy feet.


I just get overwhelmed with regret each time I grieve. Then I keep reading that thread written 2 years ago, her needs, my needs, not good enough. Again and again and again, reminding me that it's just incompatibility and that it's for the best. Then I grieve again and repeat. This is my hamster wheel and I want out of it as well.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> Damn right she was. It's kinda amazing at the same time isn't it? You know she's not even 22 yet. As much as I hate what has happened you can imagine how blessed I feel to have met someone like that and shared my life with her for 4 years.


It is amazing, and you shouldn't regret what you shared, even if you didn't get the fairy tale happy ending...you should definitely feel blessed!



RandomDude said:


> I just get overwhelmed with regret each time I grieve. Then I keep reading that thread written 2 years ago, her needs, my needs, not good enough. Again and again and again, reminding me that it's just incompatibility and that it's for the best. Then I grieve again and repeat. This is my hamster wheel and I want out of it as well.


I'm sure you do feel overwhelmed...it really sucks, I know. 

But what you don't see with your repeated turns around the hamster wheel is that your heart and mind are making tiny adjustments every time you experience your feelings and just SIT with the discomfort of them and process them -- you are learning a new way of coping with those feelings, and that's why it's important not to try and avoid it. 

That's what the shutting down/detachment you would do during your fights was reinforcing for you - avoidance and deflection. But it's very difficult to maintain a positive relationship with another person while handling your feelings that way. You will be off that wheel when you are ready, but you can't rush it or force it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> It is amazing, and you shouldn't regret what you shared, even if you didn't get the fairy tale happy ending...you should definitely feel blessed!
> 
> 
> I'm sure you do feel overwhelmed...it really sucks, I know.
> ...


So this hamster wheel is healthy?










I don't know, but we'll see. Not much I can do anyway, this lockdown is forcing me to run the wheel whether I like it or not.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> So this hamster wheel is healthy?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Lol!!! YES, for now it is!

Like I said, try searching online for grief and loss groups, or divorce groups...I bet you would get alot of support and relief from talking to people struggling the same way you are right now.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Not sure there's a right answer to this, as everyone is different. I can only say what we do in our relationship, and neither of us have any mementos from ex's. I do still have old letters from my school best friend, and certificates/assignments etc. But got rid of everything from my ex's. Not straight away, but once my husband and I became serious and decided to live together, it just didn't seem appropriate somehow to bring those things with me so I ditched them. I came across some small trinkets of his from his high school ex while clearing out a closet to make room, and asked him what he wanted to do with them and he didn't hesitate to say to toss them (good answer husband 😂 )
> 
> These were ex's though, we broke up. In the case of someone who's spouse has died, that's a different ballgame altogether. They didn't choose to leave them, they died, and the reality is that had they not died, they wouldn't be with their current partner. One of many reasons I wouldn't get involved with a widower, I just couldn't handle it, takes a very special person to do that I think.


We were going through some old photos once and ran across one of an ex i would have married had she not cheated and just used me as a play toy. I was young, 23. 1st time was late 22 or early 23....now i had ended up with a 34yr old red headed nymphomaniac so i thought i was in heaven as young man new to the sex scene with a 11yr older woman trying to kill me with sex. 

Any how, wife said is this XX. I say yeah, throw it away. She said no we can keep it and stuck it in drawer with 1k other pictures. I do not want to see it again i dont know why she would say no to trash. She has nothing of her 10 yr exhubby. She walked away with her clothes and truck. She was DONE. Cattle was hers, his band equipment was paid for by her. She is like me, when its over its over. Thankful.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think it's fine to value your past life. To me, it means at least that everything you lived you don't regret and wasn't a total lost cause. Anyone burned my momentos, the whole house would be up in smoke, and so would their backside.


Value the past or cant give up the past.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Value the past or cant give up the past.


Own the past and keep momentos to celebrate your life. There's no justification to throw away good memories.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Own the past and keep momentos to celebrate your life. There's no justification to throw away good memories.


My memories are in my mind. No need to keep trinkets of past lives. That is like keeping all your tax documents for the last 50 yrs. I live in the current life, not the past life. 

My mom used to go looking for headstones of long since gone family in random cemetaries over several states. Took pictures. Yeah you found them....they are dead alright. Why waste time you have with the living kids/grandkids now, rather than wasting time looking to dig up the dead.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> My memories are in my mind. No need to keep trinkets of past lives. That is like keeping all your tax documents for the last 50 yrs. I live in the current life, not the past life.
> 
> My mom used to go looking for headstones of long since gone family in random cemetaries over several states. Took pictures. Yeah you found them....they are dead alright. Why waste time you have with the living kids/grandkids now, rather than wasting time looking to dig up the dead.


Everybody is different. And when you get old you'll be glad you kept some momentos because your memory won't be that great and they will bring back memories. It's really not up to one person to tell another person what momentos they can keep. That's pretty dictatorial.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Why would i want momentos to remind me of screwing women other than my wife? Dictatorial? Could say tge same with a spouse being all pissy at their spouse, if their spouse is upset they want to keep momentos of past lovers memories alive and think they should just get over it.

I had clothing my exes bought me. One if them was silk boxers. I dont think it right if i kept these after marriage. I can see my wife saying as i come out of the shower wearing them and she asks where did you get those. 

Oh you remember that nympho i used to live with, she really liked them and thought i would look sexy in them. No i will not get rid of them, they remind me of hers/mine time together. You need to get glad in those same panties you got mad in and dont try telling me i should not wear them and to get rid of them.

Or the woman that keeps lingere her ex bought her....or toys used together....keep those fond memories alive and well ya know.

Not!!!! If they are that damned important they can carry their ass down the street to their ex lover boy/girl.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well clothes can always just say I forgot where "I" got them from, which I have forgotten, goldfish memory and all...
If I was to chuck them... nah...

I can't bring myself to chuck them, even if the memories now seem to carry less feeling each and every day, just the thought of her putting in so much effort only for it to end up in the trash. She has given me quite alot of practical gifts that can pass as whatever, it's the love boxes and stuff that's tough, those were made from something pure.

I just can't, hell I would protect them from damage if a new woman decides she's jealous and wants to stomp on them.

I don't know, maybe I should just return it to her in a box and let her do with it as she sees fit. Maybe that's what I should have done in the first place but the whole breakup was so rush and now we are in no contact phase and moving on.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> Lol!!! YES, for now it is!
> 
> Like I said, try searching online for grief and loss groups, or divorce groups...I bet you would get alot of support and relief from talking to people struggling the same way you are right now.


I dont know, I seem to keep waking up better better. And the more I distance myself from everything and the more my feelings wane the happier I am and prouder I am for what she did.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> I dont know, I seem to keep waking up better better. And the more I distance myself from everything and the more my feelings wane the happier I am and prouder I am for what she did.


But of course...we all feel better when we distance ourselves from our pain, and wall it up...but that doesn't mean it's healed and resolved, and won't come back to torment us and influence how we function in our new relationships down the line.

However, this is YOUR path and your way of healing - I could be completely wrong about what YOU need. 
Just keep yourself open to the possibility of reaching out for real help if you ever feel like you need it!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> But of course...we all feel better when we distance ourselves from our pain, and wall it up...but that doesn't mean it's healed and resolved, and won't come back to torment us and influence how we function in our new relationships down the line.
> 
> However, this is YOUR path and your way of healing - I could be completely wrong about what YOU need.
> Just keep yourself open to the possibility of reaching out for real help if you ever feel like you need it!


Doesn't feel like walling up, the happiness and pride seems to be drawn from the fondness I still hold for her.

It's odd really, bc in the end it's what a part of me wanted as well as I was done. I was tired of being made feel that I wasn't good enough so meh.

But yeah, if I ever feel stuck, definitely would seek further help. At my pace right though I seem to be recovering FAR faster than I had thought possible despite the devastating first week. I hope this doesn't mean my love for her wasn't as strong as I thought.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@LisaDiane

I was wrong... I'm not over it.
I'm tired of this hamster wheel. I'm going to pretend the relationship never existed and forget everything. I'm going to take photos of the momentos and then that's it, trash it goes.

Yet I am hesitant and I find myself lacking the strength to do this:








I need to prioritise my self healing, she'll be fine and if it's life or death she still has my number to call. I've already deleted hers and can't remember it.
If anything this is a sign I'm not over it. I didn't unfriend my other exs, I didn't give a sh-t about them.

I give too much of a sh-t with this one and I don't think I will ever get a handle on my life if I keep thinking about it, mourning the memories, I need to erase them from my life.
Am I doing the right thing? Is this plug worth pulling?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> @LisaDiane
> 
> I was wrong... I'm not over it.
> I'm tired of this hamster wheel. I'm going to pretend the relationship never existed and forget everything. I'm going to take photos of the momentos and then that's it, trash it goes.
> ...


Everything you are feeling and going through is TOTALLY NORMAL and part of your healing process.
You will not be getting over it for a long time...

Also, if I were you, I wouldn't make ANY decisions about deleting things or throwing things away until I was in a more stable place emotionally. When you are truly feeling better, if you choose to get rid of contacts and mementos, you can be sure you are making a decision that you won't regret. There is NO reason to tackle all these things now - just put everything in a box and hide it until 3 months from now, and reassess then.

Part of your struggle might be that your coping strategy is to avoid and detach from uncomfortable feelings (good and bad), so you keep trying to do that, and when you can't, you feel overwhelmed and like you are never going to recover.

_ "...and I don't think I will ever get a handle on my life if I keep thinking about it, mourning the memories..."_

That is NOT true at all, it only seems that way when you can't escape from the hurt you feel. But easing yourself through these intense feelings is exactly what you DO need to do instead of avoiding them, and I PROMISE you, you WILL get a handle on your life, you will NOT drown and die from the pain and never recover.

You must give yourself time to mourn this loss. What would you do for a friend if they were hurting like this? That's how you need to treat yourself! Lay on the couch and watch movies, feel depressed, cry when you need to, JOURNAL...have you ever thought of writing letters to her, not to send her but that you keep for yourself...? You could pour your heart out to her and write anything and everything that you are feeling and that you want to say, and just empty your mind and heart onto paper (or on your computer), and save them for yourself. That might be a huge help for you in learning to cope in a new way!

You are grieving, which is spiral and undefinable, and VERY personal. Give yourself the acceptance and space you need to go through it.

Have you searched grief and loss groups online yet? I know I'm being a broken record with that, but I'm very serious that it could really make a difference for you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> Everything you are feeling and going through is TOTALLY NORMAL and part of your healing process.
> You will not be getting over it for a long time...


Not normal for me. It's been 2 weeks.



> Also, if I were you, I wouldn't make ANY decisions about deleting things or throwing things away until I was in a more stable place emotionally. When you are truly feeling better, if you choose to get rid of contacts and mementos, you can be sure you are making a decision that you won't regret. There is NO reason to tackle all these things now - just put everything in a box and hide it until 3 months from now, and reassess then.
> 
> Part of your struggle might be that your coping strategy is to avoid and detach from uncomfortable feelings (good and bad), so you keep trying to do that, and when you can't, you feel overwhelmed and like you are never going to recover.


But I can't when I open up my phone and despite having archived and deleted our entire conversation my ex is still at the top of my contact list with the pic of her very smile I fell in love with all those years ago.

At the very least, I should unfriend her shouldn't I?



> _ "...and I don't think I will ever get a handle on my life if I keep thinking about it, mourning the memories..."_
> 
> That is NOT true at all, it only seems that way when you can't escape from the hurt you feel. But easing yourself through these intense feelings is exactly what you DO need to do instead of avoiding them, and I PROMISE you, you WILL get a handle on your life, you will NOT drown and die from the pain and never recover.
> 
> You must give yourself time to mourn this loss. What would you do for a friend if they were hurting like this? That's how you need to treat yourself!


Lol maybe you shouldn't ask me that question bc if it was a mate I'll tell him to get over it, focus on why the two of them didn't work out, and move on to new greener pastures 



> Lay on the couch and watch movies, feel depressed, cry when you need to, JOURNAL...have you ever thought of writing letters to her, not to send her but that you keep for yourself...? You could pour your heart out to her and write anything and everything that you are feeling and that you want to say, and just empty your mind and heart onto paper (or on your computer), and save them for yourself. That might be a huge help for you in learning to cope in a new way!


I did, worse, I told her, on day 5. Now I have nothing more to say. That's when she made it very clear and I saw the crystal reality of our relationship. It did give me much closure though.



> You are grieving, which is spiral and undefinable, and VERY personal. Give yourself the acceptance and space you need to go through it.
> 
> Have you searched grief and loss groups online yet? I know I'm being a broken record with that, but I'm very serious that it could really make a difference for you.


For me Im starting to doubt if staying on this hamster wheel will do me anymore good. Unfriending her then requesting a ban from TAM, I won't talk about it anymore and if I deal with it I deal with it in isolation.

I used to be completely independent and needed no one, my closest associates I also kept at arms length and recently reached out but I feel like I'm burdening them who have their own lives to live. I need to find myself again, and this is who I am at core. I learned to depend on others through my ex but its over now, I need to find myself again.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> For me Im starting to doubt if staying on this hamster wheel will do me anymore good. Unfriending her then requesting a ban from TAM, I won't talk about it anymore and if I deal with it I deal with it in isolation.
> 
> I used to be completely independent and needed no one, my closest associates I also kept at arms length and recently reached out but I feel like I'm burdening them who have their own lives to live. I need to find myself again, and this is who I am at core. I learned to depend on others through my ex but its over now, I need to find myself again.


This sounds like more shutting down and detaching. This is not how healthy people process hurt and disappointment. 









Relationship Breakup and Loss


Relationship breakup can feel like a death, of sorts. Losing the one you love is difficult, painful and confronting because it touches our deepest vulnerability - the fear that we maybe unlovable. This is not a period to go through alone. We have helped many not only survive this period but come...




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_How we handle the loss of a relationship and how we grieve is influence by attachment styles experienced in our early years. Attachment styles are the ways we were cared for in our formative years. Those with secure attachment styles, whose caregivers were accessible and responsive, are able acknowledge that the loss hurts and are able to allow themselves to grieve. They know this pain will take time to heal, but are able to allow themselves to feel the pain while exercising self-care, seeking support of others, and spending time alone to process the loss. They spend time reflecting on what they can improve. They remain hopeful that they will find a suitable partner, and love, again.

By contrast, those with anxious or insecure attachment styles, due to inconsistent or neglectful caregivers’ attention in their formative years, have a harder time accepting and grieving the loss. They may try to get back with their former partner or might even stalk them. They may avoid the pain by jumping into another relationship. They have limited capacity to reflect on their actions and may blame their ex-partner for the loss. They may vow not to partner again. They tend to withdraw from social contact or even isolate themselves. *These actions will interrupt the ability to grief and inevitably slow down healing.* These people may also get stuck at grieving, especially if they start pining for the partner as pining is a sign of reluctance to let go and accept the loss. _


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@LisaDiane

But I'm just going in circles about the same thing over and over and over and it all just comes down to: you were incompatible, that's life! Move on!

Reading from the secure section:
I have allowed myself to grieve, I have reached out to friends and family. I am exercising self care and unfriending ex seems to be the next step for my own sanity. And like it says, maybe right now is my time to be alone.

I will not be in full isolation either, not to mention probably won't stop flirting lol. Not jumping into a new relationship at all though, and if anything would probably just end up being someone's new fbuddy like in the old days.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Nah... think I have to do this... thanks guys, for everything. I'll be back when my head is better on straight.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> Nah... think I have to do this... thanks guys, for everything. I'll be back when my head is better on straight.


I wish you the best and good luck!!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> I wish you the best and good luck!!!


Thanks 

Requested a 30 day ban. All the best guys, and thank you all, truly, for everything.


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