# happy marriage but hardly any sex



## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

I put this here because I believe I need a ladies opinion.

Ive told my wife after 1 year and 4 months marriage, that id like more sex and that id like her to engage in my sexual fetish (well fitting jeans and tight hi cut swimwear)...even encouraging her to feel more sexy and appreciated.

Sex was great before we go married now we mostly only have sex when she feels like it or when she is tipsy and I told her I want to make love when she is sober.

She told me that she is not interested in my fetish  fine! but she 'teases' me when she sees a lady like that in the street and I pretend im not interested.
She also said that she will allow me to have sex with another woman in order to satisfy myself, which I told her for me, is unheard of in a loving marriage.

I admit, I got desperate once and contacted women on adult marriage sites but 'something' always seemed to stop progress and after a month, I gave up...I called it personal fate.

I decided to delete a big source of my drive and deleted all my fetish material and I kept myself focused on other stuff besides sex and for 2-3 weeks it went well. But I guess psychology got in the way and when i decided to masturbate to feel good, i could feel my fetish and sex drive come roaring back.

My wife wont have sex with me if i take pills to lower my testosterone levels.

any suggestions?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

maybe she would want YOU to wear the well fitting jeans and tight hi cut swimwear. when i wear jeans, they are always loose and baggy.

just on the chance that you are not a mega troll, uh, when your wife says its ok to have sex with other womenafter 2 years in marriage...and there is little to no sex...it is over dude. time to move on.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

No sex but happy marriage? That does NOT compute, sorry.

And she is telling you to get other women?

I'm sorry, but assuming you are covering all of her affectionate needs, it sounds to me like you need a divorce and find yourself a lady that will meet your sexual desires.

It should be your wife's priority to go up and beyond and make sure you are happy in the sex department, as with men, to use, sex = the highest expression of love.

Your wife simply doesn't care about you or love you. She also has very little respect for your marriage as IN TIME, this will take a toll on you and your relationship.

Tell her if this doesn't change you are getting a divorce. I would.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

cbachinger said:


> I put this here because I believe I need a ladies opinion.
> 
> Ive told my wife after 1 year and 4 months marriage, that id like more sex and that id like her to engage in my sexual fetish (well fitting jeans and tight hi cut swimwear)...even encouraging her to feel more sexy and appreciated.
> 
> ...




Hi and welcome.

The sex before you got married should be the same after you are married. She is not as interested in sex anymore since you are married. That is because she no longer has to try and get you because she has you. The chase is over and now she is comfy. This is also called bait and switch. Lots of great sex while dating and after getting married, the sex drops off and its more vanilla and once in a while.

When she married you, your needs are now her needs. She must take care of your needs are her own and you do the same for her. If she isn't into dressing sexy for you, then don't bother doing what her fantasy is for her. Marriage is literally 50 / 50, in effort, and taking care of each others needs.

If you have a high sex drive, which is normal for most guys, your wifee should be taking care of your sexual needs because she loves you and you are her man.


Red Flag: If you wifee, who loves you, married you, no longer wants sex much and is allowing you to have sex with another woman, she could be seeing someone else...........and this is her way to justify her infidelity away.


I've been married for over 15 years and my wifee would never, ever, suggest me having another woman because she has a lower sex drive than myself. That is committing 
adultery.....cheating and why get married then???:scratchhead:


Secretly monitor her and see if she is texting, emailing, face book and seeing a co worker, friend, etc...


Your wifee won't have sex with you if you take pills to lower your high sex drive? That doesn't make sense. She doesn't want sex with you much anymore but if you take pills to lower your sex drive, closer to her sex drive, now she doesn't want sex with you?!?! She makes no sense.


With the lowered sex drive from the pills, she should be very happy because you no longer want sex much anymore.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

You posted this same thing six months ago. What have you done in that time to try to turn this around? Did sex drop immediately after the wedding or did it taper off? Did she live in your country or did you bring her from Japan?

6 months ago she bought you toys so you could please yourself. Now she is telling you to have sex with other women. Something is way off. She's seven years older than you...how old are you? 

Stop worrying how to get her to do your fetish and start figuring out why she doesn't want to.

When she points out other women in tight jeans, DON'T IGNORE IT. If she wants to point things out, I'd damn sure look and comment as well.


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

murphy5 said:


> maybe she would want YOU to wear the well fitting jeans and tight hi cut swimwear. when i wear jeans, they are always loose and baggy.
> 
> just on the chance that you are not a mega troll, uh, when your wife says its ok to have sex with other womenafter 2 years in marriage...and there is little to no sex...it is over dude. time to move on.


my fetish would temporarily dance for joy, if she expected me to wear such clothes. I did in the past; tight speedos (later under swimming shorts), well fitting underwear briefs and slim jeans. 

But I had a revelation a few months back, threw away every thing 'revealing' and bought boxers and regular fit jeans. a week after that I had 2 dreams that told me that my sperm was once again fertile. I was unknowingly cooking my sperm in the increased heat of my scotum. I also felt more comfortable with more space around my private area.

And ive never seen hi cut swimwear for men  anyway women look naturally better in it.

Besides, my wife doesn't care what I wear, so long as it suits me.


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

CuddleBug said:


> Hi and welcome.
> 
> The sex before you got married should be the same after you are married. She is not as interested in sex anymore since you are married. That is because she no longer has to try and get you because she has you. The chase is over and now she is comfy. This is also called bait and switch. Lots of great sex while dating and after getting married, the sex drops off and its more vanilla and once in a while.
> 
> ...



She has her own conservative way of loving me, which sex is not as important to her as it is to me and same with my fetish. After discussing, she said 'you chose the wrong woman to marry for this stuff'. I was dumbstruck.

She is THE most loyal person I know but it is clear that my sexual needs don't bother her and she has shown her selfish side a number of times. when it came out I did indeed give her a harsh but caring lecture.

Ive bought a recommended book 'his needs, her needs'. ill encourage her to read it after ive read it, to make my stance stronger and if even getting her to read it causes a fuss, ill want to sort this out now and not battle forever - as many users have said.

I also want to let her know, that im not forcing anything on her but that this is a simple formula that is in every single marriage and its different explanations will get her to understand my side in her way of thinking.
If she says 'why do you bring this up again?' a sign that she doesn't bother about this side of me?
we have only been together for 1 1/2 years!
if I had no high sex drive, things would actually b always good.


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

I Don't Know said:


> You posted this same thing six months ago. What have you done in that time to try to turn this around? Did sex drop immediately after the wedding or did it taper off? Did she live in your country or did you bring her from Japan?
> 
> 6 months ago she bought you toys so you could please yourself. Now she is telling you to have sex with other women. Something is way off. She's seven years older than you...how old are you?
> 
> ...


Her sexual taste is very different to mine.

I am 34.

she told me later because she is not interested in that stuff. when I pushed saying that she has no emotional understanding of my desires, she said I must find another woman.

I have teased her with my fetish files before and she understands and smiles but she is completely neutral to it.

if there are certain questions I could ask her that would perhaps pinpoint her stubbornness, then im open to them.

is it right for a partner to demand or expect a change in sexual behavior for them to be satisfied?


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

intheory said:


> You asked for a woman's opinion.
> 
> A woman would only act this way if:
> 
> ...


Sadly, each of your 3 listed statements are not true.
her sexual drive is much much lower. Ive found out through arguments, that she is just not interested in 'that stuff' and that I must find someone else, even when i said that it would look sexy on her. ive seen plenty of good looking 40+ year old ladies who look great in such clothing. she is stubborn like me but even ive learnt to grow out of them to benefit. how to get aground stubbornness? ill google that as well!


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

From the responses ive received, id HATE to divorce so bladdy soon and just because of lack of sex and satisfaction in sexual fetish.

She would turn around and say 'why does this suddenly bother u so much? is that all what is important to u? what about just me, as ur wife with u?

I could easily counter argue, that sex is an important part in marriage and u no that my fetish is also very strong and that asking this from u is not a huge demand, considering, as u just said, u r my wife, lover and friend. ive given u my reasons and encouraging reasons for engaging in this with me and I know that u r a reasonable thinking person. so what is your problem with that now?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

cbachinger said:


> Sadly, each of your 3 listed statements are not true.
> her *sexual drive is much much lower*. Ive found out through arguments, that she is just not interested in 'that stuff' and that I must find someone else, even when *i said that it would look sexy on her*. ive seen plenty of good looking 40+ year old ladies who look great in such clothing. she is stubborn like me but even ive learnt to grow out of them to benefit. how to get aground stubbornness? ill google that as well!


I think this is why she doesn't want to indulge your fetish. She's low drive. These things turn you on. SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU TURNED ON! If you're turned on you will want sex. Sex that she does not want.

My LD XW dropped 30 lbs. I commented that she looked better and sex was better. She started eating junk again the next day. She didn't want to do anything that was going to encourage my already high drive.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

cbachinger said:


> From the responses ive received, id HATE to divorce so bladdy soon and just because of lack of sex and satisfaction in sexual fetish.
> 
> She would turn around and say 'why does this suddenly bother u so much? is that all what is important to u? what about just me, as ur wife with u?
> 
> I could easily counter argue, that sex is an important part in marriage and u no that my fetish is also very strong and that asking this from u is not a huge demand, considering, as u just said, u r my wife, lover and friend. ive given u my reasons and encouraging reasons for engaging in this with me and I know that u r a reasonable thinking person. so what is your problem with that now?


I think most bait and switches are not done in cold blood. What often happens is that many women have responsive desire. They need the drama of a new relationship, an affair or an unstable relationship in order to want to have sex enough to go out of their way for it.

In a healthy marriage, each spouse would care about each other's happiness. She would have sex with you (as long as she didn't actually hate it, because she loves you). I think that there's a movement afoot these days that everyone should only do exactly what they want to, when they want to.

Your wife doesn't care about your happiness, doesn't respect your needs and probably doesn't love you (or at least doesn't love you in an way that does you any good). Why would you want to be married to someone like that?

So, file for divorce. On the off chance that she cares about the marriage, that might be what's necessary to put some effort into the relationship. Otherwise, you can start looking for a partner that actually cares about you. 

If you don't have kids and you continue to put up with this, you'll have only yourself to blame.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

cbachinger said:


> Ive found out through arguments, that she is just not interested in 'that stuff' and that I must find someone else,


When somebody is telling you the truth, listen.

Take her at face value; she's not going to change. Either divorce her and find somebody who is interested in "that stuff" or settle into a long, sexually dead marriage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

cbachinger said:


> From the responses ive received, id HATE to divorce so bladdy soon and just because of lack of sex and satisfaction in sexual fetish.
> 
> She would turn around and say 'why does this suddenly bother u so much? is that all what is important to u? what about just me, as ur wife with u?
> 
> I could easily counter argue, that sex is an important part in marriage and u no that my fetish is also very strong and that asking this from u is not a huge demand, considering, as u just said, u r my wife, lover and friend. ive given u my reasons and encouraging reasons for engaging in this with me and I know that u r a reasonable thinking person. so what is your problem with that now?


lack of intimacy will kill ANY marriage. In time. Go ahead and wait around and find out for yourself.

If you are willing to accept a wife that is negligent and has told you that she doesn't mind if you find another women.

Go nuts.

I know your penis is probably making you all excited.....but the reality is, your brain should be overwriting your penis thinking and telling you "something is REALLY wrong/bad if she doesn't mind me sleeping with another woman"

Those 2 things would tell me "my wife doesn't love me AT ALL".


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

mmslp - read it and live it. its your only shot, imo.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

intheory said:


> You asked for a woman's opinion.
> 
> A woman would only act this way if:
> 
> ...


i would add another option: her feelings have changed overtime, for whatever reason. she did love and like him, something changed


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

I Don't Know said:


> I think this is why she doesn't want to indulge your fetish. She's low drive. These things turn you on. SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU TURNED ON! If you're turned on you will want sex. Sex that she does not want.
> 
> My LD XW dropped 30 lbs. I commented that she looked better and sex was better. She started eating junk again the next day. She didn't want to do anything that was going to encourage my already high drive.


So she takes no interest in my fetish because she doesn't want more sex? makes sense but doesn't make sense.

When she said it, it sounded obvious that she just isn't into it like she said and many women would wear tight pants to feel attractive and not because they have a fetish partner.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I'm not getting the whole tight pants fetish.

Maybe to her, it feels very uncomfortable. Having stomach cramps isn't fun. And forget trying to bend over to pick something off the floor. Tight jeans are unforgiving in that manner.

For once, I'd like a guy to have a fetish about fuzzy pants and sweatshirts.


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

Revamped said:


> I'm not getting the whole tight pants fetish.
> 
> Maybe to her, it feels very uncomfortable. Having stomach cramps isn't fun. And forget trying to bend over to pick something off the floor. Tight jeans are unforgiving in that manner.
> 
> For once, I'd like a guy to have a fetish about fuzzy pants and sweatshirts.


Ive had it since teenage years; it shows a womans curves and her 'flat front'.

Well, its lady-like to bend at the knees and not bend over at the back.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Did your wife dress in tight fitting jeans and hi-cut swimwear before your marriage? Did you tell her of your so-called fetish before marriage?

If the answer to both questions is no, there is no bait & switch. You simply did not get to know her well enough before marriage. She may feel you have pulled a bait & switch.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

cbachinger said:


> So she takes no interest in my fetish because she doesn't want more sex? makes sense but doesn't make sense.
> 
> When she said it, *it sounded obvious that she just isn't into it *like she said and many women would wear tight pants to feel attractive and not because they have a fetish partner.


That's probably true, but think of it this way... 

Your fetish is really more of a preference, and it's not an unreasonable one. It's not like you're asking her to wear kitty ears and a furry tail. If she wanted sex, she would probably indulge you sometimes, even if tight jeans and high cut swimwear isn't her preference, because she would want to turn you on. Most people want to be attractive to their partner. Where that stops being true is when one partner does not want sex for some reason. It would be counter productive to their wants to encourage a sexual response from their spouse.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

cbachinger said:


> She has her own conservative way of loving me, which sex is not as important to her as it is to me and same with my fetish. After discussing, she said 'you chose the wrong woman to marry for this stuff'. I was dumbstruck.
> 
> She is THE most loyal person I know but it is clear that my sexual needs don't bother her and she has shown her selfish side a number of times. when it came out I did indeed give her a harsh but caring lecture.
> 
> ...



She is a very selfish and unchanging woman. She knew she was LD and you are more HD adventurous, yet she still married you.....she could of said no, we aren't compatible, but she said yes and now you are the one suffering and she couldn't care less. Another unchanging LD spouse and I feel for you.

My wifee is also extremely loyal but sex isn't important to her and she is always doing this to me, like your wifee is doing it to you.

I too have read the ebooks and taken advice from TAM and you know what, it didn't make a huge difference in the end. Taking the 5 love languages has helped a lot, post on the fridge but lately, Mrs.CuddleBug has been turning it facing the fridge......

Your needs, sexual, should be taken care of by your loving wifee. Not out of pity or duty sex, but because she finds you hot and loves you.

I have brought up the low sex drive of my wifee too many times to count and in the end, nothing really changed.

Her losing the 50 lbs has help much and the 5 love languages but she still can go weeks of zero sex and physicality and seems not to care and is clueless.

There is not much you can but hope for a pre menopause sex drive boost but besides that, her sex drive might go to zero at that point as well. You never know.

If a woman knows she is LD, why does she still say yes and get married? She should be honest with herself, her LD'ness and not married a guy that is HD, period!!!

I've seen this with LD guys and HD ladies too.

I also was thinking, if I was LD to no sex drive, that would make our marriage perfect. But us men are built mainly on testosterone, testicles and want and think about sex much more than the ladies. I don't see why today, ladies still don't get it and realize that men actually have HD's??? Really?!

Or HD guys start viewing porn as their release, their LD ladies find out and get mad.......that's a joke right? How about us HD guys give our LD ladies very little emotional closeness and support, say 1 - 2x month. How long do you think it would be before they started to complain and seek their needs elsewhere? No different for us HD guys with LD ladies.....but for some reason, it still is.:scratchhead:

Marriage is 50 / 50, and nothing less.

Tight pants is not a fetish. Feet, and anal sex is a fetish.....cosplay is a fetish......using food and tying someone up, blind folding......fetish.......spanking, flail.....is a fetish.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cbachinger said:


> Ive told my wife after 1 year and 4 months marriage, that id like more sex and that id like her to engage in my sexual fetish (well fitting jeans and tight hi cut swimwear)...even encouraging her to feel more sexy and appreciated.


I'd hardly call this a fetish.



cbachinger said:


> She also said that she will allow me to have sex with another woman in order to satisfy myself, which I told her for me, is unheard of in a loving marriage.
> 
> I admit, I got desperate once and contacted women on adult marriage sites but 'something' always seemed to stop progress and after a month, I gave up...I called it personal fate.
> 
> ...


Dude. That sucks. Sorry. 

Ok so she's told you, after only being married just over a year, for you to find someone to have sex with, that she'd be ok with it - that makes me think she's not interested in having sex with you at all. You should have told her that you went online looking for sexy times with other women. That may have opened up her eyes to how serious you are about wanting sex. 

Then she tells you she won't sleep with you if you try to lower your libido... is that some jedi mindtrick? She's already not sleeping with you. It's like reverse psychology or something.

She will have to want it on her own and it seems she is going the way of not wanting ti at all.

Did you ever have a good sex life?


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