# Now what



## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

A few weeks ago I had posted about my suspicions regarding my husband and a woman he works with. I was on the fence about whether my suspicions were paranoia on my part or there really was something going on. Unfortunately I really do now believe there is something not right.

Currently I am recovering from COVID, that my husband contracted and gave to me. He was very sick, and I spent almost 2 weeks taking care of him. Then I contracted it and have been out of commission for the past 10 days or so. I have not had the strength or energy to worry about much of anything but I did check the cell phone records today and saw that there were almost 100 text messages between the two of them. On a Sunday no less. All while I am virtually bed ridden.

At one point during his COVID illness, my husband had to be briefly hospitalized. I called his boss to let him know what was happening and to my surprise he already knew, because the woman in question had already filled him in. His boss even said to me that he knows this woman and my husband text all the time and that she has been keeping him informed. It was completely humiliating.

Of course my husband denies anything is going on. According to him it’s all work. So at this point I’m wondering what my next step should be. Someone had mentioned getting a VAR but I don’t know where to start. I cannot afford a PI, I am a stay at home Mom with no income of my own. Also, at what point should I disclose to this woman’s husband my suspicions. I have his email and phone number. I don’t want to jump too quickly, but at the same time this needs to be disclosed.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Email the husband and tell him you and he might be interested in those 100 Sunday text. If she won’t show it to him and your husband won’t show to you..... then you have all you need to know.

Rest assured they will both say “ It’s just business... I deleted all that”

At no point will either of you immediately get the cell phone of your wayward spouse.... this much I promise.

BUT : If you need more than that to know the truth because you fall into denial... you will have put your foot in your mouth and givin away your position.

Every single person that has ever come in this forum with a gut feeling has been correct... their partner was cheating on some level. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

except the one lady who figured out her husband was sneaking out for cigarettes... but that was a “lucky strike”


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

100 texts in one day is way over the top. 

Is his cellphone password protected?

You say that you don't have any income of your own. Does that mean that you don't have access to the account where his paychecks are deposited?


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Email the husband and tell him you and he might be interested in those 100 Sunday text. If she won’t show it to him and your husband won’t show to you..... then you have all you need to know.
> 
> Rest assured they will both say “ It’s just business... I deleted all that”
> 
> ...


My only concern is what IF on the outside chance I am wrong. Shouldn’t I have more concrete proof? I would like to somehow do this anonymously. The OW’s husband is a cop and this could get ugly very quickly.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> 100 texts in one day is way over the top.
> 
> Is his cellphone password protected?
> 
> You say that you don't have any income of your own. Does that mean that you don't have access to the account where his paychecks are deposited?


His phone is not protected. I have hijacked his phone before while he is asleep but can find nothing.
I have access to all accounts and funds.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

100 texts on a Sunday is NOT work (unless there is some kind of work issue where systems are down -- I don't know what your Husband does -- even GIVEN that, there wouldn't be that many texts -- they would have a zoom meeting).
VERY sorry you are going through this. Any chance of you getting a hold of his phone (and if you do, make copies of anything you find and save them offsite).
VERY sorry you are going through this and I hope you recover quickly from covid.
I DO think if you can get a hold of this woman's husband on the QT and explain what is going on, it may help. DON'T tell your H you are doing this first though.

EDT: SO I just read you can get access to his phone. What TYPE of phone, Android or iPhone? There may be software you can use on the phone to recover deleted texts. I presume that ALL of his texts are deleted to her? Also, I don't know, but you may be able to get copies of the texts if you are on the same plan from the service provider.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> 100 texts on a Sunday is NOT work (unless there is some kind of work issue where systems are down -- I don't know what your Husband does -- even GIVEN that, there wouldn't be that many texts -- they would have a zoom meeting).
> VERY sorry you are going through this. Any chance of you getting a hold of his phone (and if you do, make copies of anything you find and save them offsite).
> VERY sorry you are going through this and I hope you recover quickly from covid.
> I DO think if you can get a hold of this woman's husband on the QT and explain what is going on, it may help. DON'T tell your H you are doing this first though.
> ...


It is an IPhone 11. When I have looked in the past nothing was deleted. I’m going to try tonight to get a look when he’s sleeping. 
This COVID thing is miserable. I never get sick but this has kicked my butt in ways I never thought possible.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Looks like iPhone 11's are VERY hard if not impossible to get back deleted texts:








FoneLab does NOT work, especially on newer iPhones


So many people posting here saying "use fonelab" and I think someone needs to give an honest take on this. I have used fonelab on a test phone (iPhone 5) that I sent/deleted some messages on, wrote/deleted notes and contacts etc etc.. It appeared to work. It did recover pretty much ALL of the...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Keep your eyes open and if you find anything, take pics and send them to a few different emails accounts (that HE can't access) to keep them as backups.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

People who need that much communication will call each other if it is for work.

The husband is a cop .... that’s actually perfect.

I don’t mean to be Mr. Blues man but I think it best you prepare yourself now as best you can.
Many people in your position go into denial... I get it... self preservation and all. 
Know what your after and be prepared for that reality.... because it is coming.

Im sorry you find yourself here.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND YOU ARE CONTACTING THE OTHER MAN!!!

He will tip off his sweetheart and they will invent a story about you being some crazy deranged cat lady to the husband.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Beth, I say to you what I said to others. Please excuse my "outspokenness". When a man and a woman are friends, at a minimum one or both are think about what it would be like to jump the other's bones. Sides that, back in the day, if you called me with report about your husband and my wife, I'd try to get something going with you. So don't be surprised.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> People who need that much communication will call each other if it is for work.
> 
> The husband is a cop .... that’s actually perfect.
> 
> ...


 I know what’s coming. Shame on me for letting it go this long.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> Beth, I say to you what I said to others. Please excuse my "outspokenness". When a man and a woman are friends, at a minimum one or both are think about what it would be like to jump the other's bones. Sides that, back in the day, if you called me with report about your husband and my wife, I'd try to get something going with you. So don't be surprised.


I’m not surprised, and I value outspokenness. I can’t for the life of me though understand why he would want anything to do with her. She is very obese and not attractive. I mean no disrespect. It just is what it is.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Beth57 said:


> I know what’s coming. Shame on me for letting it go this long.


Don’t say that. Keep your head held high. Keep the courage 👍


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Don’t say that. Keep your head held high. Keep the courage 👍


It is so hard to be courageous when life as I know it is going change dramatically. My life has been devoted to the care of my special needs son. I have no clue how to even start over at 57.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Beth57 said:


> His phone is not protected. I have hijacked his phone before while he is asleep but can find nothing.
> I have access to all accounts and funds.


It sounds like he might be deleting all the texts. Is that right? I've read that on some phones the texts can still be on the device Maybe someone here can tell you how to retrieve them. Knowing the type of phone you have would help.

Does he monitor your spending very closely? Do you do the things like the grocery shopping?

I just checked on amazon, voice activated recorders for about $32. You might be able to pick one up locally. Best Buy, Office Max, etc often carry them. You could check on their websites.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

He may be deleting some. But not all. He does not monitor my spending. I pay all the bills and do all the shopping.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, if he isn't deleting, did you see the texts from Sunday to this woman? All 100 of them?


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So, if he isn't deleting, did you see the texts from Sunday to this woman? All 100 of them?


I am waiting until he is sleeping and I’m going to look.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Beth57 said:


> I am waiting until he is sleeping and I’m going to look.


be sure you get copies of any texts that are of concern. You might have to use your phone to take pictures of his phone. You need solid proof that he cannot deny.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Beth57 said:


> He may be deleting some. But not all. He does not monitor my spending. I pay all the bills and do all the shopping.


Since you have access to the money, could you buy a VAR?


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Since you have access to the money, could you buy a VAR?


 Yes. I just have no idea how they work. I could have used it today for the 20 minute phone call he made to her while in the car.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Seems like there was a topic called evidence gathering thread or something like that which listed a specific model that was really easy to use


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Beth57 said:


> Yes. I just have no idea how they work. I could have used it today for the 20 minute phone call he made to her while in the car.


They are not hard to figure out. Many of the different manufactures provide videos on how to use them. Here's one that as a few videos: *EVISTR-Digital-Recorder*

There are also videos on youtube showing how to use one.

You want to make sure that it's "voice activated" and that it's digital.

The recorded audio files can be downloaded onto your computer via a USB cable.

If there is a place that he goes to when he's on the phone, such as the garage, you can put the recorder near where he usually talks on the phone.

Very often, people who cheat use their car as a private place to talk. The VAR could be secured under the front seat using adhesive backed Velcro. That prevents the VAR from sliding out when he breaks to stop.

Just be careful because it's not legal to record a conversation that you are not part to. So, if you use a VAR, use it to get info. But do not tell him or anyone else your source.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> Seems like there was a topic called evidence gathering thread or something like that which listed a specific model that was really easy to use


Here it is.










Standard Evidence Post


VARs and Evidence Gathering The usual disclaimer of reverse the sexes if necessary, we get mostly betrayed husbands here. Do your legal research etc. Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Beth57 said:


> I’m not surprised, and I value outspokenness. I can’t for the life of me though understand why he would want anything to do with her. She is very obese and not attractive. I mean no disrespect. It just is what it is.


Don't let that fool you. WS often trade down and she is giving him something he wants. It may not be physical as such but definitely something emotional which he should be getting within his marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Beth57 said:


> Yes. I just have no idea how they work. I could have used it today for the 20 minute phone call he made to her while in the car.


buy a Var online (e.g. Amazon) get good strong double sided tape and place under his or passenger seat. Make sure it wont fall off.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

Well.... 

I just looked. It’s all business.

Only one thing bothered me.
Apparently there were a few other people that needed to be tested for COVID and they all came back negative today. He also tested negative today and is going back to work tomorrow. 
He made a comment to her that said 
“ now tomorrow we can all be together again 🙂”

Ouch.

I killed myself taking care of him thru his COVID and barely got a thank you. Now I need him to take care of me and he’s worried about the gangs all here. He barely even peaked in on me today and ignored me when I was crying from the Covid headaches. Normally I am self sufficient but this virus has about done me in. 

Even though these texts are all business, she certainly seems like more of a support system to him than I am. He definitely relies and depends on her more than me. To me that’s an issue. It’s still an issue she knew more about my husbands time in the hospital than I did, and that his boss knows “ that they text all the time” - his exact words to me. So part of me is slightly relieved, but my gut still says there is something more to this.

If I am out of line with this somebody tell me and set me straight. I don’t want to be “that wife”. But I also feel like he disrespects my role as his wife when other people know more about him than I do.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your not out of line .... trust but verify 

Ill be honest... I surprised you didn’t find more than that. It’s not often ... or ever for that matter that it turns out to be that tame.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you find out nothing is going on then I’ll have to put you in the same category as the lady who found out her husband was only sneaking away to smoke. I hope for you that is the case. I call her “lucky strike” ... maybe you can be “text mis-message”


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is cheating you @Beth57. He is cheating you out of the time and consideration and husbandly support that he should be giving you.

He needs to buck his ideas up.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> He is cheating you @Beth57. He is cheating you out of the time and consideration and husbandly support that he should be giving you.
> 
> He needs to buck his ideas up.


I agree with that 100%.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yeah, he might not be cheating in the conventional sense but he is emotionally attached to this women. Could be more though. Just because they are keeping the work chat which is admittedly public all business doesn't mean they are not using a different app. You need to check his screen time to see if there is a different app they are using to communicate. Here use this as a guide.

https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT208982
I am sure there is something similar for a android phone.

From that you can see if he has another app that he chats on.

Even if it is only what you see It still needs to stop. First get healthy, then give him the book "Not just friends" and tell him the future of your marriage probably depends on it.

When you do get better you need to asses if you want to be married to someone who has one foot emotionally out the door.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

He seems to be more stimulated by his work and into that, than he is into you. Also, given he's had Covid, he's probably like, yeah, it'll get better, I got through it fine. For some people, empathy isn't natural. Likely this is a sample of how he is overall, no?


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Yeah, he might not be cheating in the conventional sense but he is emotionally attached to this women. Could be more though. Just because they are keeping the work chat which is admittedly public all business doesn't mean they are not using a different app. You need to check his screen time to see if there is a different app they are using to communicate. Here use this as a guide.
> 
> https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT208982
> I am sure there is something similar for a android phone.
> ...


We both have iPhones and I never even knew about the screen time. I’m going to check that tonight.

I thankfully am feeling better. It took 2 weeks but I’m glad to be on the other side of this. I downloaded the book “Not just friends” on my audible app today, so I can listen for myself.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> He seems to be more stimulated by his work and into that, than he is into you. Also, given he's had Covid, he's probably like, yeah, it'll get better, I got through it fine. For some people, empathy isn't natural. Likely this is a sample of how he is overall, no?


Empathy does not come naturally to him, not outwardly at least. 
I have often said to him that if he had to choose between work and me, he would choose work.


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