# Wife made out 4 years ago now just tells me. Need help



## mitch1120 (Aug 10, 2011)

My wife of 10 years told me a few days ago that 4 years ago she had made out with a guy at a concrete. I was told that she was just hanging out with him and he got her a soda, he then starting kissing her with tongue. She kissed back and he started to touch her butt. It lasted for few seconds until she pushed him away and said she is married. She then walked away and left. She told me that he started it and she was shocked by it. They had been talking about her beautiful wedding ring just a little before. 

She told me this when she talking to me about not spending enough quality time with together. She said she was not attracted to him physical but was weak since someone was paying attention to her. She said if I was there it wouldn't have happened. I do not like concretes so i didn't go. I had asked her not to go for fear she would get hurt or touched. I would have not in a million years think she would do something like this. I am lucky it stopped after a few seconds and it wasn't more then kissing. 

I am in a lot of pain and am having issues getting over it. My trust for her is gone and I am stuck on how I should move forward. It hurts that it took her so long to tell me. If she really was shocked i would think she would come home freaked out and tell me. She does say she is sorry and has shown major signs of regret and promises for it to never happen any more. She also says she just wants to be with me only for the rest of our lives. I am making steps to spend more time and work on making her feel loved more. In a way i feel like i shouldn't do this since it is rewarding her for doing this. I am asking for advice on this on what i should do or if I am over reacting. Thank you.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I have to question why she told you this at all. Is there something else going on currently that made her feel guilty all of a sudden?

Also, your reaction is normal. Keep reading on this forum. There are good people here.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

it-guy said:


> I have to question why she told you this at all. Is there something else going on currently that made her feel guilty all of a sudden?


Ditto - after 4 years if it was nothing more than a kiss at a concert that's strange to bring it up now.


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## mitch1120 (Aug 10, 2011)

We have had an ongoing problem that she feels that I don’t do enough things with her. Spend enough quality time with her and that I do make her feel that I want her around. I feel that I do spend a lot of time with her and I tell her I love her every day. I also make sure every need is taken care of but it’s not enough for her I feel. We have had the talk a few times. When she told me we were in one of these. I was told that she told me to hurt me some and to take this more serious. I think maybe she fears that I don’t she will do it once more or we will be over. It was her SOS cry in short.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

it-guy said:


> I have to question why she told you this at all. Is there something else going on currently that made her feel guilty all of a sudden?
> 
> Also, your reaction is normal. Keep reading on this forum. There are good people here.


It seems like she told him as a way of expressing how weak she feels when he is not giving her enough attention. If so, you would have to wonder if it is a threat.

Edit: I was writing this as you reponded. My wife did this early in our marriage. I packed her a bag without saying anything and dropped her off at her parent's home (she was 23). I didn't pick her up until her father called to tell me that she had learned her lesson. Never was discussed as a threat again.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Halien said:


> It seems like she told him as a way of expressing how weak she feels when he is not giving her enough attention. If so, you would have to wonder if it is a threat.


It was absolutely an attention getting threat.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Halien said:


> Edit: I was writing this as you reponded. My wife did this early in our marriage. I packed her a bag without saying anything and dropped her off at her parent's home (she was 23). I didn't pick her up until her father called to tell me that she had learned her lesson. Never was discussed as a threat again.


My husband did something similar early in our relationship. Very few things make him angry but throwing another man in the mix even in jest is 100% unacceptable to him. It worked. I wouldn't dare go there again. I learned that lesson fast.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Well, that was most certainly a warning shot she fired with that story.


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## mitch1120 (Aug 10, 2011)

Part of me wonders if it is even true that this happened, a made up story to get my attention. This could be me trying to sugar coat it or make myself feel better. There isn’t a way for me to ever know for sure. I’ve asked the question and she says it is real.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Halien said:


> It seems like she told him as a way of expressing how weak she feels when he is not giving her enough attention. If so, you would have to wonder if it is a threat.
> 
> Edit: I was writing this as you reponded. My wife did this early in our marriage. I packed her a bag without saying anything and dropped her off at her parent's home (she was 23). I didn't pick her up until her father called to tell me that she had learned her lesson. Never was discussed as a threat again.


:iagree: Marriage is never strengthened by threats such as these. Call the bluff and get rid of this childish behavior once and for all. If she wants change, listen to what she has to say, work with her, but let her know, unequivocally, you won't be threatened again.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

If I read you right she did told you because she was feeling like she falling in that direction again - which is VERY good. Better she let you know before something serious happens than to hide her feelings. One kiss 4 years ago - get over it and focus on why she is feeling that way NOW - she is vulnerable and has let you know. What can you AND her do to eliminate these feeling of neglect, not loved, and looking for attention she is not getting from you. If your going to throw your marriage over on a kiss, you better think long and hard about it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

And I don't buy call the bluff - it is a cry for help and to make the marriage work. Do it or risk it going into something you will both regret. Get marriage counseling. Your statements that YOU think everything is OK is precisely the problem. You are ignoring her pleas to try and make the marriage work for her as well. DO NOT IGNORE HER FEELINGS!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

This is precisely how affairs begin - vulnerable to some swingin d!ck saying the right things to make her feel good!


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I agree with 8 years.... she told you because she's feeling like it could happen again and is probably starting to feel resentment, so she was okay with hurting you with the truth. I don't think she's bluffing, she's probably feeling frustrated and wants you to open your eyes.

Last year when my H was having an affair (unbeknowst to me) I was unhappy and felt vulnerable by the changes I saw in him and his new arrogant attitude. I was afraid to go back to work for fear of being weak to an EA. Instead of communicating this fear, I would make passive aggressive jokes like "What if I find a new boyfriend at work?" He was in deep fog, so he blew off my coments and laughed. At that time, I doubt he would have truly listened had I expressed my concerns in a more mature manner anyway. Ironic that I felt weak for one and he was actually having one.

Wanted to add that I also felt vulnerable due to my own personal issues with aging and being a SHAM. My vulnerability amplfied my already existing fear of going back into the work force, so I stuck my head in the sand. At least your H acknowledges that there is some serious issues she wants to address.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> And I don't buy call the bluff - it is a cry for help and to make the marriage work. Do it or risk it going into something you will both regret. Get marriage counseling. Your statements that YOU think everything is OK is precisely the problem. You are ignoring her pleas to try and make the marriage work for her as well. DO NOT IGNORE HER FEELINGS!


I to am with 8years on this.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> If I read you right she did told you because she was feeling like she falling in that direction again - which is VERY good. Better she let you know before something serious happens than to hide her feelings. One kiss 4 years ago - get over it and focus on why she is feeling that way NOW - she is vulnerable and has let you know. What can you AND her do to eliminate these feeling of neglect, not loved, and looking for attention she is not getting from you. If your going to throw your marriage over on a kiss, you better think long and hard about it.


You make a great point. In my case, it was a threat. In this case, it sounds more like a plea for help. Either way, it is a very big deal.

I dropped out of college in my senior year to marry because my wife was unravelling with a serious eating disorder. I wasn't sleeping when I returned to classes so that I could spend time with her, but she didn't think that it was enough, and used a similar scenario as a threat. It wasn't a plea for help in any sense of the word. It was 'get your act together or else'. For a guy who had only recently begun to recover from a serious addiction to fighting, and who had given up career dreams to help her, it was too much. Since she was a daddy's girl, I figured the drill sergeant would give her a healthy dose of reality. He did. I felt like a jerk later, but she laughs about it.

I would have handled it completely different if it was a plea for help.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'm sorry to be ringing an alarm here, but looking inside yourself...are you sure you even believe it was (a) only a single kiss, (b) it was just some random guy she happened to be hanging out with at the time (at a concert, buying her a soda? wtf?), (c) it was 4 years ago and only 4 years ago, not something recent or even current going on?

I'm sorry, but given the context of "not spending quality time togethyer", I smell the tip of an iceberg. There's more to the story, I believe. At the very least she's considering it again, at most she's doing it still or more, currently.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You could be right 2x - he can investigate by the normal Lord Mayhem list
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/394540-post8.html


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> And I don't buy call the bluff - it is a cry for help and to make the marriage work. Do it or risk it going into something you will both regret. Get marriage counseling. Your statements that YOU think everything is OK is precisely the problem. You are ignoring her pleas to try and make the marriage work for her as well. DO NOT IGNORE HER FEELINGS!


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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