# A case against contacting the OM/OW...



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

When you are shattered with the knowledge of your spouses affair, it can be hard see how to pick up the pieces. The feelings of betrayal, pain, and lies all pile on so quick and soon overwhelm you. Its like you have been cast into space with nothing to hold onto. Consequently you are grasping at anything that might offer you some glimmer of stability. Often this leads to the idea of confronting the other man/woman. 

_*I don’t think that’s a good idea.*_

Early on, there are many things going on that you are not privy to. The chances of stepping out of the frying pan and into the fire are very high. Lets first take a step back and look at the situation again, before proceeding to a confrontation with your spouses partner in crime. Here are a few things to consider:


*1: Focus on yourself first!*
One of the most common mistakes victims of infidelity make is to forget about themselves. They rush to try and fix their wayward spouse, they rush to drilling their spouses friends with questions, and often rush to confront the other man/woman. All the time spent on this would have better served them if they would have rushed to fix themselves first. Slow down and get yourself on solid ground before going anywhere else. 

*2: You Have No Idea What The Reaction Will Be.*
I would be surprised if your cheating spouse has not thoroughly cloaked himself/herself in a web of lies that defy any truth you might know in your heart. Remember you just found out about the affair, they on the other hand have been building a story around themselves for God knows how long. Cracking through all the lies and deceit will not be easy. The reaction of the other man/woman could be one of hostility, indifference or you might be playing right into your spouses lies. You just don’t know. 

*3: What’s your end goal?*
Confronting the other person might give you a little short term satisfaction, but in the long run it probably won’t matter. After all you are not trying to change them and you really could care a less what happens to them when this is all done. What is it you really want? If your end goal is to recover your marriage, then whether you confronted them or not will have little consequence. If your spouse is truly remorseful and wants to work it out then all the lies, tricks and pain they caused you will unfold in time. Don’t complicate things for yourself by opening a dialogue with the other woman/man. They really don’t matter in the end.


Having been through the havoc a cheating spouse unleashes upon a marriage, I was very close to confronting the other man. In fact, I came so close that I was six feet from his door at one point, but something made me turn away. I am glad for it. I refocused on myself and was able to place my feet on solid ground. This was better for me, my son and for the people around me. The other person, realistically, is the responsibility of your wayward spouse. Do not make things more complicated for yourself. Because, in the long run the partner in crime doesn‘t matter.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I think your message carries a lot of valid points. I certainly don't think contacting the OM/OW is right for everyone.

Speaking for myself, I am three-ish months out from finding out about what happened. I did (and still am doing) the working on myself and on our marriage.

My goal was to basically verify what my H had told me. His story was one of a "mild" EA with no PA. Along the line, he lied and hid stuff, did the making-me-feel-like-I-was-going-mad thing, and generally turned into someone I didn't feel I knew. He is remorseful now for acting like that, but I don't feel until recently realized fully that it is very hard for me to separate the "him" he was during from the "him" he was before - and says he is now.

There were a lot of potential red flags, could have been nothing, but could have meant there was more. These kept coming up and I had no idea what to think. I got to a point where I knew I couldn't go on forever not knowing whether there had been more or it'd gone PA, and my choices were either to continue our marriage living with the doubt, or leave him, thus breaking up the family.

I did it as a last resort I guess. I knew a bit about her and knew she still had a flame for my H, so contact from him would be welcomed, so I posed as him initiating contact. As you can see from my other thread, I chatted under the guise of catching up, talking about what happened, and making out I couldn't quite remember various details. Also asking her how she felt about things that had happened to gauge if she indeed had been the pursuer.

Luckily she fell for it completely and I found out the details I wanted to know. In my case, my H *had* been telling me the truth. There were some minor details that she differed on but nothing that was a dealbreaker.

I have so much more peace of mind now. For me it was the right thing to do. Having said that, I could not see myself *physically* confronting her, although in the days after finding out, the thought crossed my mind and I came very close to taking the kids and going down to her place of work and giving her what for in front of everyone so they all knew what she had been doing. Yeah, not the best idea but I was thinking crazily then!


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I think your message carries a lot of valid points. I certainly don't think contacting the OM/OW is right for everyone.
> 
> Speaking for myself, I am three-ish months out from finding out about what happened. I did (and still am doing) the working on myself and on our marriage.
> 
> ...


WW,

You took a great risk and it worked out. I am glad for it. i just think that as a general rule it's probably not a good idea. I can however see the benefit in contacting the OM/OW spouse (if their married), that person deserves to know whats going on. 

best wishes,

GM


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> When you are shattered with the knowledge of your spouses affair, it can be hard see how to pick up the pieces. The feelings of betrayal, pain, and lies all pile on so quick and soon overwhelm you. Its like you have been cast into space with nothing to hold onto. Consequently you are grasping at anything that might offer you some glimmer of stability. Often this leads to the idea of confronting the other man/woman.
> 
> _*I don’t think that’s a good idea.*_
> 
> ...


Speaking for myself, the reasons why I found it important to contact the spouse of my wife's affair partner were;

1) My wife and the OM had unprotected sex. I took an STD test to verify I hadn't been infected. I thought I was morally responsible to inform the OM's wife of the health risk she was exposed to. I know if the roles were reversed I would have wanted to be informed if I was being exposed to STDs. Wouldn't you?

2) To help insure no further contact between my wife and the OM. Two sets of eyes watching their behavior is better than one, no?

3) To help pop the fantasy fog that the WS lives in. I believe it helps expedite the healing process. My wife admitted that the idea that the OM's wife was aware of my wife's behavior was sobering.

4) Accountability, "I am my brother's keeper". If my contacting his wife ends his adultery career then I have potentially spared another couple from the pain of infidelity. I believe adultery is like Lays potato chips in that "you do not just have one".

5) Walking the talk. How many of us talk a good game about confronting evil. But how many of us ever really step up to the plate? When I knocked at his door I did not know what was going to confront me. I felt the knot in my stomach; I took a deep breath and I knocked on that door like a "MAN". When I told my 88 year old grandmother what I did that day she said she was proud of me. She said it made her feel good to see one of the "good guys" finally stand up for what was right. I will go to my grave with her words in my head and heart.

6) To inform my WS that I am not a door mat. Talk is cheap. She now knows I will not avoid confrontation no matter how painful or embarrassing.

I originally thought the way you did. But when I learned about the unprotected sex I began to question my initial approach. Personally, I am so thankful I did do it. I do not have to live with any "what if" questions.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I am glad that worked out for you. 

I am still a scorched earth person. That is who I am and I am comfortable and at peace with this. I believe as the man I have every right and duty to confront another man who is moving in on my wife. In fact it is only right that this person realizes that this is not any kind of a game and that continuing in the EA would cause me to deal with him in a very harsh and permanent manner and that my marriage was the most important thing in my life and also that I would take any actions required to make sure he was no longer in the picture. Any recreational predator should realize that this is not the affair they were looking for and to move on. It also lets us know where they stand in the situation.

Now my assumption here is that there had not already been a PA and that the EA was in its early stages. Anything else would be an immediate deal breaker for me anyway. Then I would go scorched earth on the OM with no warning.

Indeed I would be dealing with my wife but this thread was about confronting the OM/OW. But having had an EA myself, I realize that it is important to not only deal with one of the parties but both.

I would for certain in any case communicate with the OMW. I would not hold onto this as a bargaining chip.

The specifics of the confrontation depend on the situation. Is this a personal trainer, a co-worker, an old high school friend, a boss and so on. Is this obviously a predator type? I say this because I would confront them on multiple fronts. i.e. contacting employer if it was work related.

I know this is not for everyone. I have certain defined boundaries that I will defend at all cost.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Obviously, every situation is different. I think GM makes some very valid points. The real key is the goal of the confrontation. My situation was to help myself move beyond my H's EA. The OW is a coworker of his, and they still work together. I still have a hard time dealing with the fact that they see eachother at work, but I have been reassured by my H that they hardly speak, and it is only about business, nothing else. I am fully regulating all of his phone, email, and fb correspondences. But still I felt like I needed to let her know the full effect she had in my life. I did assure her that I did not blame her for the EA, I fully blame my husband. But I had lost respect for her. 

I am glad that I gave myself some time to organize my thoughts and did not do it in a disrespectful manner or in anger. My main reason was to lessen the akward situation that lies ahead when I see her at his work. And to find some closure for myself so I can move foward in my R. It has been a few days, and I haven't heard a response, nor do I think I will get one. I don't necessarily need one, I wouldn't believe her words anyway. But at least now maybe she has heard in my words the damage this situation has done to my family. 

I know that everyone handles their situations differently, but I think we can all benefit from not making rash decisions, and giving ourselves time to process our thoughts in a rational way before acting.


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