# Question for the men...



## constantlywaiting (Aug 28, 2013)

Is having a fat wife a good reason to not have sex with her? Or is there something else?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

constantlywaiting said:


> Is having a fat wife a good reason to not have sex with her? Or is there something else?


No it's not. 

It would be a reason for maybe not having sex with her as much as you would otherwise.

For having a "fat" wife, the way you word it is she needs to return to a healthier weight because the excess of body weight results in a bunch of medical conditions.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Not being sexually attracted to someone because they've put on weight is not necessarily something a person has control over. But at what point "too fat" kicks in is an individual thing. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

No, I would still bang...she's my wife.

Admittedly, fat is not my thing. I like fit women. Still, if my girl got fat, I would still have sex with her...I love her, and she's attractive to me, regardless of her weight.

My ex-wife was a model when we met. As time rolled on in our marriage, she put on some weight...I was still way into her while we were together. I just found her attractive, even at her heaviest...she always looked hot to me. Would I have loved her to get in shape? Of course, but it didn't stop me from being into her and WANTING her.

How fat are we talking here, and how much fatter than when you first married? Morbidly obese would be too much for me, but I know plenty of self-professed "chubby chasers" who seek out big girls.

I would venture to guess it's not (just) the weight, but more deets would help.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

PBear said:


> Not being sexually attracted to someone because they've put on weight is not necessarily something a person has control over. But at what point "too fat" kicks in is an individual thing.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can still have sex with someone your not "sexually attracted" to . Men do it all the time, and so do women.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

In my case, I think my wife put on all the weight she has for self-pity. She tells all her friends that I did that to her. So, she has used that as an excuse not to have sex. If she was willing, would I want have sex with her. No, after all the things she has done to hurt me deliberately, I'm so far out of love with her I think it would be practically impossible for me to want her again. For me, is just a matter of time till I leave, on my terms when it's best for me and the kids when they all finish college and find jobs.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

treyvion said:


> You can still have sex with someone your not "sexually attracted" to . Men do it all the time, and so do women.


Up to a certain point, you can have sex with someone you're not "sexually attracted" to. Personally though, I think I'd have a hard time (pun intended) getting it up for someone I'm not physically attracted to, and at some point, I'd rather use my hand and imagination (or porn). 

That may not be the case for you, and you're entitled to your opinion. But I'd hazard a guess that most of us would reach a cut-off point where enough is enough. 

In this case, the OP's question was not whether it was possible. It was "is it a good reason". And again, I'd say it's as good of a reason as any to not want sex with a spouse. I would likely lose respect for a spouse that got that out of control, and I'd probably have resentments over that as well. 

With my ex, I never had a problem with her weight. SHE had a problem with her self-image, and she cut off intimacy as a result. And then she refused to do anything about it. Wouldn't exercise, wouldn't stop drinking, wouldn't eat healthier. But she used her weight as a shield to prevent intimacy. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

has he said this to you? how much overweight are you?


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

There is no right answer. Some men love over weight women. In history men loved over weight women because it showed they were high society and could easily carry children and survive famine.

Personally I prefer a skinny girl.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Lila said:


> The short answer is "no". Sexually attractive women come in all sizes. Weight is just one trait, in a long list of traits, that makes a woman desirable to a man. While it's true that men are visual creatures, there are other non-physical traits that determine "sexy". It works for both women and men. Attributes such as confidence, charisma, happiness, cleanliness, and attention to detail in the way we present ourselves, all play a role in sexiness. It's something that is projected and has very little to do with looks.
> 
> 
> Edit: Oops, forgot to mention that this was response given to me by my hubby after I posed the question to him.


Can you honestly say that if your husband got to be 500 pounds, so big that you had to be lifting folds of fat just to get jiggy with him, that you would still want to have sex with him as often as you do now?

C


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

constantlywaiting said:


> Is having a fat wife a good reason to not have sex with her? Or is there something else?


Was this wife fat before she became the wife? If so, then NO, her weight is NOT a good reason to avoid sex.

If this wife was NOT fat before marriage, then YES it is a sufficient reason for him to avoid sex with her.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

constantlywaiting said:


> Is having a fat wife a good reason to not have sex with her? Or is there something else?



To get a better response, I think you need to ask a more specific question. It really depends on a lot of things. 

But I'll assume that by "fat wife" you mean someone who is overweight past the point where her husband finds her attractive, then the answer is: *Yes*, in the sense that *not being attracted to your spouse* is a reason to not have sex with her. That could be because of fat, or because of other reasons. A husband (or wife) shouldn't give their spouse "duty sex" just because. Sex is something that both partners should want to do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Lila said:


> No, the intensity from the sex would give him a heart attack!
> 
> But seriously....here's a more realistic story to prove my point. In college there was a big bear of guy who was handsome, charming, hilarious, flirtatious, and super confident, you can say he was an Alpha type guy. He also topped the scales at close to 400 lbs (think Big and Tall). I, along with several of my girlfriends, had a huge crush on the guy. He ALWAYS had a hot girlfriend, and yes he married a beautiful woman (biatch - just kidding).
> 
> If you'd asked me before meeting him if I would ever find a "big" guy attractive, I would've said "hell no". After meeting him, I know better.


That doesn't actually prove your point, IMHO. First off, you didn't have sex with him (based on your story). Maybe the physical limitations would have turned you off when the cloths came off.

Second, at best it proves that "400 pounds, big and tall" was still doable for you. What about if he was not so tall and 500 pounds. 600 pounds? My theory is that we all have our "obesity thresholds". Maybe it varies by how much we love the person (as in, we'd cut some slack to a 20 year marriage partner than we would to someone that was introduced on a blind date), maybe it varies by their looks or personalities. But weight IS at some point a factor in sexual attractiveness (both overweight and underweight), for many of us.

C


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Unless the fat obscures access to your special area...its not a good excuse.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

constantlywaiting said:


> Is having a fat wife a good reason to not have sex with her? Or is there something else?



My wifee was a big girl "fat" and it took her 15 years to finally eat right and lose weight, 50+ lbs at last count. The sex was minimal, 1x month during those 15 years because she was extremely insecure. Now that the weight is coming off, she is getting a sex drive, up to 3x week.

Now when my wifee was her big size, it did turn me off but I never denied her sex or didn't want sex with her. That is cruel.

If you're insecure about your size, just eat a little less one day but eat a mini meal every 3 hours all day long. This way, your body isn't in starvation mode and the metabolism is still high. You will lose weight by just eating less, through the entire day spread out and doing cardio also gets the metabolism up. Like power walks with a weight back pack or on a treadmill watching tv.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

constantlywaiting said:


> Is having a fat wife a good reason to not have sex with her? Or is there something else?


It might be enough; it might be something else. 

Without more details on the circumstances, it's hard to guess whether it's her appearance or he's having an affair or his testosterone level has dropped for some reason or anything else.

If a couple isn't having sex, there's a problem. It's not always obvious what the problem is. It's rarely just one thing that is creating a lack of sex.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

...but a fat spouse COULD be the problem.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife is overweight but she is still cute. I am more concerned with her overall health. Sex just wears her out and if she was active and lost weight, sex would be more fun.


I don't know how much more weight she would have to gain for me to not want sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

My first H was overweight but he was a verbally abusive pig. I couldn't stand to touch him or be touched by him at the end.My H now is overweight, and as much as I know that, I don't "see" it as the only quality he has. I want him to lose weight for his health but I am still attracted to him. I don't bring his weight up other than to tell him my concerns for his health and that I will do what I can to support him, if he finds his weight to be a problem. Now if he continues to gain, to the point where sex is not possible, then I will be having something to say about that. It isn't just the weight...there is more to it.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

treyvion said:


> You can still have sex with someone your not "sexually attracted" to . Men do it all the time, and so do women.


Not all men, and not all women. 

I need to be attracted to the person I am sexually intimate with, otherwise I would just pass.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

treyvion said:


> No it's not.
> 
> It would be a reason for maybe not having sex with her as much as you would otherwise.
> 
> For having a "fat" wife, the way you word it is she needs to return to a healthier weight because the excess of body weight results in a bunch of medical conditions.


Please excuse me, but that last sentence is nonsense.

Anyone with half a brain will realize that he is NOT chiding her toward weight management because he is concerned about her heart rate, wear and tear on the joints, and her lipid levels.

He wants her to be hotter so he will bang her.

So...while he cannot control his 'libido', he certainly owes a certain amount of affection and sex to his wife.

Unfortunately, actions have consequences as well. If I put on 50 extra pounds, man or woman, and it affects my partner's attraction, it is not necessarily the partners fault. They OWE me a certain level...but what I want and what I get are probably two very different things.

He should be more supportive. She needs to start weight training (cardio will do nothing) Because if you want sex and attention, what are you going to do to deserve sex and attention? We all want to pretend that once we say the 'I do's' that that is the last effort one ever needs to make to the relationship.

This is not true.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

treyvion said:


> You can still have sex with someone your not "sexually attracted" to . Men do it all the time, and so do women.


You can, but that's known as "duty sex". People should only have sex when they are aroused. Otherwise, they start associating sex with work. 

Personally, if duty sex was my only choice, I would rather not get sex at all. 

Couples should do everything they can to keep the attraction going. If one person is becoming obese to the point they are no longer attractive, then he/she is not holding up their part of the relationship.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

If you were attracted to your spouse at one weight and he/she gains 50+lbs through poor eating and lack of exercise I can fully see not wanting sex with that person. 

Obviously you're going to look at them and their weight gain differently if it happened due to a health condition and they're trying their best to keep it under control. 

If I gained a bunch of weight I doubt I'd expect DH to be attracted to my body enough to want to see it naked for sex. If he had a huge gut and man boobs I'd have a hard time looking at him the way I do currently. I'd still want him but it wouldn't be with the same combination of lust and love that I have now. It would just be wanting him out of love for who he is. I like the lusty feelings I have for his body...it would be sad to lose that just bc he got lazy enough to gain a bunch of weight. If he had a health issue causing the weight gain I think I'd lose respect for him if he wasn't actively trying to get the health issue under control and make mindful choices with food. The loss of respect would ultimately turn me off from sex with him. 

It's as much of weight issue as it is a loss of respect issue.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

JCD said:


> Please excuse me, but that last sentence is nonsense.
> 
> Anyone with half a brain will realize that he is NOT chiding her toward weight management because he is concerned about her heart rate, wear and tear on the joints, and her lipid levels.
> 
> ...


Without knowing more about the issue, I have to agree with this. I was in the same boat, but I was the one that was more overweight. To her credit, my wife still made love to me at a good frequency when I was heavy. When I dropped down to 210, I asked her if my appearance DID cause her to lose attraction to me. When I was heavy, she said it didn't matter, but now that I was lighter she admitted to it affecting her attraction. I appreciated her honesty. Also, when I was heavier, I was actually HOPING that she'd tell me that my size affected her attraction to me. As crazy as it sounds, it would have been a motivator to lose some weight sooner. 

OP knows his wife better than us. Maybe he'd be better off having an honest discussion with his wife. However, he also needs to do so with sensitivity too. Also, she deserves love and affection from her husband, so I hope he isn't cutting her off sexually. That's extremely cruel and would tell me that he never really loved her in the first place.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My wife has gained 30+ lbs in the last 12=15 months, partly because of me. I say partly because of me because I eat like a horse, but excersize a ton to keep the weight off. She sits next to me while i eat and i'm a bad influence on her.

having said that, although she's not as attractive, or as sexy as before the weight gain, our sex life hasn't suffered.

it hasn't affected her self esteem much, although it bothers her, she's big framed, and she very frisky!!!!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it's a bit of a good quagmire, her weight gain, because although I don't get as hard naturally as I once did before the weight gain by foreplay, she is very good at letting me know when she wants it by stroking peter and getting me hard. then, once i enter her, we are such a good fit and the rest is easy so far.

I hope it continues.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

My wife's weight has gone way up over the years, I have not lost my want to have sex with her but it has made it much harder to physically to have sex with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MrBrains said:


> My wife's weight has gone way up over the years, I have not lost my want to have sex with her but it has made it much harder to physically to have sex with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Harder for who? And do you mean physically that you can't get into the same positions? Just curious. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## constantlywaiting (Aug 28, 2013)

Ok, so I am back to answer a few questions. I (the wife) am overweight. Up until January 2013 I was on a diet and exercise plan and had lost 65 lbs. I was looking good and feeling good. Then I hurt my back. I spent all of 2013 and some of 2014 going from dr to dr to find out what was wrong. 

Finally in April I had back surgery. All of this time I could not exercise. Couple that with the complete depression of being in CONSTANT pain I gained 25 of those lbs back. I still cannot exercise (drs orders).

Now, the hubs will most likely say that its because I am fat that we don't have sex (once in 2 months) but I call bull****! It was the same way when I had lost weight and was toned up.

The real reason? The reason I think? He is an alcoholic. He wont deny that but will not change or get help and will not talk to the dr about his LD.

So, this fat wife feels like she has had enough because even when I try to "look good" and take care of myself it does no good. That is a major blow to anybodys self esteem, fat, thin, whatever.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

PBear said:


> Harder for who? And do you mean physically that you can't get into the same positions? Just curious.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Harder for me. Yes she can no longer get into positions that allow me to penetrate as far as I used to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

To the OP... To me, 25 or 50 pounds isn't a big deal. So I'd agree with your BS call. Keep in mind that he might be getting his needs met elsewhere. Or it might be low t, ED issues that he's embarrassed about, or the alcohol, as you surmise. But the basic idea is that he has to be willing/wanting to work WITH you on fixing things. If not, it doesn't matter what the problem is. Well, more to the point, HE is the problem. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, how was your sex life when you were 65 pounds heavier?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

PBear said:


> To the OP... To me, 25 or 50 pounds isn't a big deal. So I'd agree with your BS call. Keep in mind that he might be getting his needs met elsewhere. Or it might be low t, ED issues that he's embarrassed about, or the alcohol, as you surmise. But the basic idea is that he has to be willing/wanting to work WITH you on fixing things. If not, it doesn't matter what the problem is. Well, more to the point, HE is the problem.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I totally agree with PBear on this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

constantlywaiting said:


> Ok, so I am back to answer a few questions. I (the wife) am overweight. Up until January 2013 I was on a diet and exercise plan and had lost 65 lbs. I was looking good and feeling good. Then I hurt my back. I spent all of 2013 and some of 2014 going from dr to dr to find out what was wrong.
> 
> Finally in April I had back surgery. All of this time I could not exercise. Couple that with the complete depression of being in CONSTANT pain I gained 25 of those lbs back. I still cannot exercise (drs orders).
> 
> ...



OK...

This is entirely different.

Is he blaming you for his LD? 25 pounds is not much. Not to the point where he should be totally turned off.

Seems like he is trying to blame you for his lack.

Are you in too much pain for sex?


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

constantlywaiting said:


> Ok, so I am back to answer a few questions. I (the wife) am overweight.


How was your weight when you were dating and married your husband? This is a relevant data point because it is the weight that first "attracted" your eventual husband to you.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

constantlywaiting said:


> Ok, so I am back to answer a few questions. I (the wife) am overweight. Up until January 2013 I was on a diet and exercise plan and had lost 65 lbs. I was looking good and feeling good. Then I hurt my back. I spent all of 2013 and some of 2014 going from dr to dr to find out what was wrong.
> 
> Finally in April I had back surgery. All of this time I could not exercise. Couple that with the complete depression of being in CONSTANT pain I gained 25 of those lbs back. I still cannot exercise (drs orders).
> 
> ...


If his behavior toward sex with you was exactly the same when you were in good shape and toned up, then no, your weight is not the problem. Stop beating yourself up about your weight. It's time to focus on the state of your marriage without thinking you can change your entire marriage by losing 25 pounds.

And yes, a chronic alcoholic will accumulate a lot of physical, mental, emotional and sexual issues over time. Alcohol can mask some of those issues, and exacerbate others.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I havent read all the posts....

Fact; married people fall out of love for a variety of reasons

How many of us have looked at a couple and thought 'Sh!t! What on earth does he/she see in him/her?

As we get older we all change...we all put on weight (but try to control it!), we get grey hair, we lose hair, we start needing reading glasses, men don't get as hard as often as they used to etc.

The body you see is just an outer covering, the shell....what is really important is the person underneath. If you love the person underneath it doesnt matter what the outer covering is like.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

constantlywaiting said:


> Ok, so I am back to answer a few questions. I (the wife) am overweight. Up until January 2013 I was on a diet and exercise plan and had lost 65 lbs. I was looking good and feeling good. Then I hurt my back. I spent all of 2013 and some of 2014 going from dr to dr to find out what was wrong.
> 
> Finally in April I had back surgery. All of this time I could not exercise. Couple that with the complete depression of being in CONSTANT pain I gained 25 of those lbs back. I still cannot exercise (drs orders).
> 
> ...


You can't exercise at all? How will you have sex then? 

Also,you said "hubs will most likely say that it's because I am fat that we don't have sex..." So he never actually said your weight is the reason the sex isn't there? 

My last thought here...you don't try to look good for anyone but yourself. Getting yourself healthy and out from under the depression cloud isn't so you'll get laid by your husband. Do it for yourself and to hell with what everyone else thinks.


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

YES!


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

JCD said:


> Please excuse me, but that last sentence is nonsense.
> 
> Anyone with half a brain will realize that he is NOT chiding her toward weight management because he is concerned about her heart rate, wear and tear on the joints, and her lipid levels.
> 
> ...


As we have found out from the thread about women not giving oral sex, no one owes another person -even their spouse - a damn thing. She gains 50 lbs, no sex.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

TopsyTurvy5 said:


> As we have found out from the thread about women not giving oral sex, no one owes another person -even their spouse - a damn thing. She gains 50 lbs, no sex.



I beg to differ. My wife owes me the rest of her life for what she chose to put me through.


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