# Husband rejects me all the time, need advice



## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

This is my first time posting. I have read some other stories on here and I hope that someone who has gone through this can give advice.

I have been with my husband since I was 15. Currently I'm 28 and he is 31. Married for 8 years.

We are good friends, we laugh and joke around, we cuddle, shower together, he listens to me and tells me he loves me all the time. But despite the closeness we share, it isn't sexual and he never expresses that he desires me in a sexual way.

He has always had a low sex drive. He says he does not masturbate-ever-and I actually believe him. Early on in our relationship I remember him getting upset with me because I masturbated occasionally. He basically told me that if I was doing it he didn't want to know about it. When we got married we did not even have sex on our week-long honeymoon. We have sex maybe once a month now, and I don't think it was ever much more often than that.
I usually initiate it, when he initiates he will just playfully go up to the bedroom and im supposed to guess what we wants. When i think he is trying to initiate I sometimes flat out ask him if he wants to have sex he wont answer me! Its almost like he is shy? He has never once told me 'I want you' in 12 years!*I know this sounds harsh but the behavior is childish and I simply want to feel desired...

I try to initiate sex often and get rejected a lot. We don't have kids and we have plenty of time together. When he rejects me, he either says he is tired or just doesn't feel like it, even after a full nights sleep or a day off. Trying to push the issue just makes it worse. Anytime I've tried to talk about it he isn't cooperative at all. I still don't have a clue what the root of this could be.

When he kisses me it's a quick peck on the lips, there is nothing sexual or passionate about it. When we do have sex, its over very quickly because he doesn't masturbate and we don't have sex often. Getting him to agree to wait a few minutes and go again is nearly impossible.

Tonight I tried to get him in the mood and when he realized what I was doing he just looked at me and said "no". not in an angry tone or anything, just no. He wasn't tired, didn't have a stressful day. I used to be really hurt by the rejection, but this time I just felt... Nothing.

I'm starting to consider leaving. I don't think this will ever change. But am I just being selfish? I know I will miss him and I wonder if leaving would be a mistake... But I'm also afraid that I'll end up doing something someday that I regret (cheating) because I can't get my needs met.*

I would love to know if anyone was able to work this out with their spouse and reach a compromise, and how they did it.*


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I hate to say this, but if he is like this at his age, it is only going to get a lot worse later in life. You are only 28, you have a lot of life ahead of you. Why suffer emotionally when you don't need to, because believe me when I tell you, this sort of relationship makes a person very lonely and it wears on you. Just think hard about the future.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

One more thing, I truly believe that the long period of time together, in your case 13 years, in my case 24 years, its very difficult to leave your spouse. But as they say, time flies and by the time you know it you're in your 40s in a worse position as you will feel that you lost too many years of your life in this lousy relationship, like me


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm sorry to say, OP, that I was in a 6 year marriage similar to this (although he didn't outright reject me). He was only interested in foreplay and sex only really happened if I initiated. Even though I knew I wasn't, this left me feeling unattractive and undesirable and, over time, caused me to become anxious and seriously depressed.

I can only suggest MC for you both to find out the root cause, but you have to know what you'll do if you find out that there's no remedy, like I did... I went from therapist to therapist (with my ex-H), hoping for a different assessment of the situation, but finally accepted the diagnosis that he was asexual and that I wouldn't be able to live that way.

Good luck!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You can't fix something you never had to start with.

And yes at age 31 this will only get worse as he ages.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The other part of god's little sexual joke is that your sex drive will likely increase as you get older, while his will decrease. 

I would suggest having a discussion about how much this is affecting you and your desire to be in the marriage. He may need testosterone supplements or there may be a medical issue that can be dealt with. He may not understand that one of your "love languages" is physical touching. I don't think it's easy for lower drive spouses to understand that to their spouse, sex is the oxygen that keeps the marriage alive. You don't think about it much when it's there, but when it gets cut off, it kills the relationship. Without intimacy, you might as well be platonic roommates and friends. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay.

Three options:
He is EXTREMELY low drive. He can and should have his testosterone checked and see a doctor. Some of that can be fixed...and some is psychological. Even that MIGHT be fixed...but he has to want to try.

He is gay and in denial. It happens. Not your fault. He liked/loved you enough to give it a try with you. Don't be hurt about it. His switch is in the AC mode...

He isn't attracted to you for reasons which may or may not be obvious.

My money is on one. If it was three, he'd be interested in OTHER women...or men. Check his viewing habits at home and on the computer.

This is the best I can do.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Sounds just like my wife. No passion, no desire. Peck on the lips, innocuous body contact. I have nothing to add other than it's frustrating as hell. The resentment only gets worse. These people are completely oblivious to your sexual needs and selfish to their own needs. Being in a relationship with them is mental torture. Luckily for you there are no kids. I would strongly consider leaving and finding someone who is interested in making you happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gruff (Feb 27, 2012)

I think he is asexual- if he's not masturbating at all.


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## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

I actually spent a lot of time researching asexuality, participated a lot in asexual forums when I suspected that my wife might be it. I could copy and paste your description and it would match my wife.

There is a possibility that your husband is asexual.

We sleep separately now and it helped me with my feeling of resentment.

If there are no kids I would run. The resentment will only get worse, and it will get to the point that it will wreck a havoc on your body.


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

JCD said:


> Okay.
> 
> Three options:
> He is EXTREMELY low drive. He can and should have his testosterone checked and see a doctor. Some of that can be fixed...and some is psychological. Even that MIGHT be fixed...but he has to want to try.
> ...


I don't think it's 3 either, because my appearance has not changed much. I'm not overweight, I take care of myself, and weigh the same as I did in high school when we met. I could buy all the lingerie in the world and I know it wouldn't make a difference 

I brought up the idea of low T with him before, and he dismissed it. Just recently though he brought up that he might go get tested.. But has never made it a priority and I doubt it will happen.

I think he has suffered with emotional issues his whole life. He has anger management problems (nothing physical, or name-calling) he can be really explosive over the smallest things, and I often wonder if he is dealing with serious long term depression. He has admitted that he might be, but will not seek help and won't talk about it further with me. 

When we have sex he seems to enjoy it, but at this point I don't because he doesn't seem interested in my needs at all. I believe that he loves me very much but that's not enough for me.

Maybe he is gay and in denial, it has crossed my mind before...


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

Rakkasan said:


> I actually spent a lot of time researching asexuality, participated a lot in asexual forums when I suspected that my wife might be it. I could copy and paste your description and it would match my wife.
> 
> There is a possibility that your husband is asexual.
> 
> ...


I never even considered asexuality... Thanks for the input, I'm going to look up more information. But he does initiate sex sometimes, just rarely. And he seems to enjoy it at the time. Is that possible with an asexual person? Or maybe he is 'faking'?


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

roostr said:


> One more thing, I truly believe that the long period of time together, in your case 13 years, in my case 24 years, its very difficult to leave your spouse. But as they say, time flies and by the time you know it you're in your 40s in a worse position as you will feel that you lost too many years of your life in this lousy relationship, like me


I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through it as well. I really appreciate your honesty, you said exactly what I have been thinking, and have been too afraid to say out loud.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Rakkasan said:


> I actually spent a lot of time researching asexuality, participated a lot in asexual forums when I suspected that my wife might be it. I could copy and paste your description and it would match my wife.
> 
> There is a possibility that your husband is asexual.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

When I was married to my ex (sharing the same bed) I suffered from chronic insomnia due to pent up resentment.

I could never understand why someone who was asexual would have early morning erections, but they were a constant reminder to me of his apparent lack of attraction for me.


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> :iagree:
> 
> When I was married to my ex (sharing the same bed) I suffered from chronic insomnia due to pent up resentment.
> 
> I could never understand why someone who was asexual would have early morning erections, but they were a constant reminder to me of his apparent lack of attraction for me.



I can't sleep either! I know exactly what you mean. My husband can have an erection as well, and still turn down sex. I've never been able to understand it because his body seems to want it, but not his mind I guess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The telling thing is that he's been like this even from when you first got together.

I'd vote asexual or low testosterone


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

There's a difference between being ABLE to have sex, and WANTING to have sex. The morning erections are a sign he's able to. So it comes down to him not wanting sex. Just a question of whether its just with you, with women in general, or everyone.

C


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

The other possibility besides being asexual is a fetish interest...such as S&M or whatever. Like my wife, these people can seem to be asexual especially if they are ashamed of themselves and unable to talk about it or face up to it....

I have talked to my therapist about this here are some examples of patients she has...

One guy can't get aroused and have orgasm unless he has cigarette in his mouth. He is afraid to tell any of his lady friends so he generally is impotent. I think he told one woman and she flipped.

Another guy can't get aroused by his wife because he is only able to be orgasmic with a woman with fake breasts...he secretly visits prostitutes with fake breasts.

Some people are into S&M and they just dont think about sex in the way that "normal" people do...a person is not sexual to them...the idea of hurting them physically is exciting.

the idea of someone being in pain is exciting to my wife...although she is not a lesbian or bi...she is aroused by males...she is very aroused by the idea of causing someone pain male, female, or even minor...of course she would NEVER act this out and feels like a disgusting person for having this issue...and from all my reading its NOT CURABLE...no more curable than being gay.

It can be much more disturbing than that too..

He may have that form of "sexuality."...

He seems young to have low T....does he have good upper body musculature and does he have energy to get out and do things? Does he have small testes?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

A lot of men don't like mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage or fixing the sink, but they do it without the wife even having to ask because they love her and want her to be happy.

I don't see the difference with sex, and if he has an erection then not using it seems like such a waste.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

I know that is what is seems to me too in all these sex drive mismatched relationships...

For those of us that actually like sex....it seems like a WASTE...when a good time could and should be had by all...happiness...love...closeness...affection....make each other feel good...

It all seems like good stuff to me. 

Its almost impossible to put yourself in the mindset of a low drive person.....they just think differently about it...it obviously does not create good feelings in them and/or they just dont desire the closeness and dont need the orgasm at all...

I know my wife can go weeks without having one....(unless she does it quickly in the bathroom..which seems unlikely)..because she has told me she can go easy 3 weeks without masturbating and its fine for her.


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> The other possibility besides being asexual is a fetish interest...such as S&M or whatever. Like my wife, these people can seem to be asexual especially if they are ashamed of themselves and unable to talk about it or face up to it....
> 
> I have talked to my therapist about this here are some examples of patients she has...
> 
> ...


That's an interesting thought. I have asked him before if there was anything he was into that he would like to try with me, because I'm willing to do almost anything if it made him happy.

He said no, and when I tried opening up to him about something I would like to try - basically cosplay plus some light s&m with him as the dominant role- he literally cracked up laughing and said he couldn't possibly keep a straight face during and would just laugh and ruin it for me anyway.

It was a pretty big disappointment. 

He is very athletic, in great shape, no on the small testes. He seems to have plenty of energy when it's something he wants to do. I agree that it doesn't seem like low T with the age.. It's been like this since forever.

If this is fetish related I'm thinking it's got to be something I can't provide... Because I'm the wrong gender or something.


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## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

Jessica373 said:


> I never even considered asexuality... Thanks for the input, I'm going to look up more information. But he does initiate sex sometimes, just rarely. And he seems to enjoy it at the time. Is that possible with an asexual person? Or maybe he is 'faking'?


From what I remember from reading on asexuality forums, there are different levels of asexuality. There asexuals who only hold hands with their spouses, there are those who kiss, and they were even ones who are able to have rare sexual inter courses but they are only to please the sexual partner, and are void of satisfaction. 

I can't give you the link to the forum I was a member, because it is in different language. I would check it out, however if your husband does take pleasure of having an intercourse, and he is not pretending just to appease you, that means he is most likely NOT asexual.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, this might help you to understand more about asexuality:-

Asexual Visibility and Education Network


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## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

Jessica373 said:


> This is my first time posting. I have read some other stories on here and I hope that someone who has gone through this can give advice.
> I have been with my husband since I was 15. Currently I'm 28 and he is 31. Married for 8 years.
> We are good friends, we laugh and joke around, we cuddle, shower together, he listens to me and tells me he loves me all the time. But despite the closeness we share, it isn't sexual and he never expresses that he desires me in a sexual way.
> He has always had a low sex drive. He says he does not masturbate-ever-and I actually believe him. Early on in our relationship I remember him getting upset with me because I masturbated occasionally. He basically told me that if I was doing it he didn't want to know about it. When we got married we did not even have sex on our week-long honeymoon. We have sex maybe once a month now, and I don't think it was ever much more often than that.
> ...


You are still young. He seems to care about you, but make it an ultimatum that you two go to counseling and that he gets a checkup.
Just tell him you will make appointments. If he refuses, then you have an answer.
If he is willing to go, there is a small chance that you can find out why he is the way he is and if it can be changed.
At least then you will be able to make an informed decision, and he had the chance to change


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

I think its a blessing in disguise that you know this now at your young age.

I was 38 by the time I figured out my wifes asexuality (not just low drive) was a real issue...and now 46 and its truly sunk in....

Get out while you are 28! Facts of life being what they are its also going to be harder to find a new man as you get older.

If you are a sexual person you are going to be very unhappy....this man can't just "change." This is who he is as a person. It does not make him bad..just different. 

You should find yourself....I hate to say it..but I cant resist...a "real" man. 

Do it before its too late and you have an affair and hurt everyone or get pregnant and are stuck...


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## Born2Fi$h (Mar 17, 2013)

I bet he is cheating on you with a MAN but maybe a women either way he is getting it elsewhere.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, you said that he came from a dysfunctional situation and that he tends to act like a child at times? Maybe he hasn't grown up, and he's still living life as a child - at least emotionally. The way you described him when he initiates sounds a lot like a giggling child running to his room because he is "up to no good"...

What types of interests does your husband have? Does he enjoy playing a lot of video games, into collecting toys, baseball cards, comic books? Does he generally seem to like to buy "toys" for himself? Does he generally act immature around you?

Maybe he suffers from Peter Pan syndrome????


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OP, you said that he came from a dysfunctional situation and that he tends to act like a child at times? Maybe he hasn't grown up, and he's still living life as a child - at least emotionally. The way you described him when he initiates sounds a lot like a giggling child running to his room because he is "up to no good"...
> 
> What types of interests does your husband have? Does he enjoy playing a lot of video games, into collecting toys, baseball cards, comic books? Does he generally seem to like to buy "toys" for himself? Does he generally act immature around you?
> 
> Maybe he suffers from Peter Pan syndrome????


Actually... Yes. He does play video games a lot. Also fantasy games like dungeons and dragons. He is very hardworking when it comes to his job and other responsibilities, in a lot of ways he seems very mature for his age, but emotional maturity is another story.

Friends have described his angry outbursts over trivial things as 'tantrums'. 

I believe most guys wouldn't mind being woken up on a Saturday morning to some morning sex, but not this guy. He would be majorly pissed if I disturbed his sleep! It reminds me of how a teenager acts when mom is trying to get them up for school. Except the teenager has to go to school in the end.... But I know I'm not getting any.

Btw, nice username, just watched that movie again last week


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## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

Asexuality and sexuality are not black and white; some people identify in the gray (spelled "grey" in some countries) area between them. People who identify as gray-A can include, but are not limited to those who:

do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes
experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive
experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them
people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances

This was copied straight from the AVEN forum, so clearly I was wrong in my earlier post about asexuality.


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> If you are a sexual person you are going to be very unhappy....this man can't just "change." This is who he is as a person. It does not make him bad..


I think you are right... Over the past few days I have done a lot of research on the subject, and even though this issue can have many causes, I'm not reading about a lot of success stories. 

At the end of the day, I know this isn't all about sex. One example is that he never wants kids. He will not budge on this. I thought I didn't want them either, but how many 19 year olds know what they want? Turning 28 has made me ask myself some big questions. Ultimately I did not get to know myself at all, getting married so young, and now I'm wondering if I really want to expend more energy trying to fix something that I may not want to fix. Wouldn't be fair to either one of us.

I started this thread thinking I wanted to work on it, and now I'm not sure.. I need to take time to think and make a decision. 

It is helping me so tremendously though, to hear all of your opinions. This is the first time I have discussed it with others who can understand, and it's comforting to know that I'm not alone, and I'm not crazy!


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

Rakkasan said:


> Asexuality and sexuality are not black and white; some people identify in the gray (spelled "grey" in some countries) area between them. People who identify as gray-A can include, but are not limited to those who:
> 
> do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes
> experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive
> ...


Thanks for the info, I think asexuality is a real possibility. I thought everything was so black and white with asexuality- that it meant he would never have any sexual interest- but obviously it's more complicated. The complete lack of masturbation ever, and excuse the directness, but his avoidance of touching himself at all, even during sex (even to guide himself in) just tells me that something is off here, and im not a doctor, but this seems like either asexuality or some kind of unresolved emotional issues. Possibly something repressed, either past trauma, depression, or denial about homosexuality. These are my best guesses, and since he won't talk to me I may never know. I almost hope he is gay, because if that is the case there is nothing that needs to be fixed, other than us shaking hands and going our separate ways. Then we could both find people that give us what we need.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You need to straight out ask him if he has any "desire" to have sex.

If he says no, then he may indeed be asexual. Visit the AVEN forums to learn more about it.

If he is asexual, you may want to consider splitting up. Find a man who will enjoy sex with you & also want children.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

On the other hand..be aware that a asexual/gray/a person can COMPROMISE....

My wife actually fits the definition of Grey/A EXACTLY...she fits every one of those traits..

It sounds like your husband is not asexual..but Grey/A type....

My wife has compromised with me about this and she offers up quite a lot of sex and also sometimes says out of the blue that she now enjoys it more. In addition, she occasionally will initiate it.

So it can be something these people LEARN to like...kinda like I learned to like wine I suppose. I like it when Im in the mood for it, it was an acquired taste, and I could easily live without it....but I think my life is richer for having learned about it and how to experience it.

Also, some people seem to have such a strong experience with food. My wife loves food (although she stays fairly trim and in shape with huge effort on her part)...even food I find old or just not that good...she says "MMMM" it actually is really annoying sometimes...and she talks about the food constantly while we are eating.

In the past I have actually been jealous of her love for food.

On my end, I like food when Im actually hungry, when its really good food I will say "MMM" and Im repulsed by some food.

I have often said my desire for sex is like her desire for food. And my desire for food is like her desire for sex.

Im Gray/A about food!


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

I just wanted to give an update and ask for some more opinions..

I decided to try one last time to ask him why he rejects me so much, and why we aren't having sex more than once a month and I always have to initiate.

I expected the usual reaction after trying to have this convo before - shut down, silent treatment, refuse to engage and leave the room, and at first he DID get up and leave. But I did not make any effort to go after him or beg him to stay (like I usually would) and surprisingly, after a few minutes he came back, and opened up for the first time in 12 years about what he thinks his issues are.

I think he could sense that I was approaching the convo differently, and he could tell I was calm, and almost indifferent to his reaction. It made him pay attention. 

He admitted that he thinks he is suffering from long-term depression, and has agreed to get treatment. He claims the depression has been a life-long problem and not related to me. He also confided that his brother got a girl pregnant at a very young age and it really tore their family apart. Since he was like 2 years younger than his brother it really scared him off sex before marriage. We did end up having sex before marriage but he stayed a virgin until 18-19 because of his paranoia of accidental pregnancy. He told me that he does not want kids ever, and he thinks maybe he pulls away when I try to kiss him because the thought of it leading to sex scares him, and every time sex comes up it brings up negative emotions.

Here is the thing though... He said he was going to make an appt with a therapist last week and still hasn't done anything even though I have reminded him. I think he will do it but it obviously isn't the biggest priority.. Maybe I'm pushing too hard. He has initiated sex a couple times since the talk, twice in one week which is a big deal for him. So I'm getting what I want for now I guess... but I'm not so sure it is what I want if he is just doing it to make me happy and secretly he wishes he didn't have to. 

Nothing has changed - he is still depressed and hasn't received any treatment - so it's not crazy to assume that he is just doing it for me. Maybe I should be flattered that he is trying so hard. But the dark side of me wonders how long this will last, especially when the root problems aren't being addressed. And I also wonder if it is enough for me, because I wanted to be wanted... Another thought that has crossed my mind is that there is more to this story, and he is guessing at his problem, or doesn't want to tell me something that hurts me or him.

He SEEMS to be having a good time, enjoying sex. But he got married young too, and has only slept with me. So I have always wondered if maybe he wouldn't recognize sexual incompatibility or unhappiness because he doesn't have anything to compare to. I DO believe he loves me and doesn't want to lose the companionship/friendship we have. Change is scary and what if our relationship is more of a habit for him? He claims I am the only good thing in his life. What if I am just projecting my own insecurities on him? 

Wow, I'm really losing my sh*t today..


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Start looking for therapists for him. Ask if he wants M or F. Go online and pick three that look good and tell him to make an appointment. If he's depressed he could be overwhelmed by choosing someone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

fetishwife said:


> You should find yourself....I hate to say it..but I cant resist...a "real" man.


asexual men, and men with low sex drive, are absolutely 'real men'. i'm surprised you would say this, because your other posts sound like you understand that no one is lacking or broken or wrong, just different. 

my partner has a low sex drive and i am very happy and satisfied with him. he has had gf's before me who were NOT happy at all. no one is inadequate or 'not real' for being who they are; some people are just not a good match and would be happier with someone more similar to them.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Jessica373 said:


> This is my first time posting. I have read some other stories on here and I hope that someone who has gone through this can give advice.
> 
> I have been with my husband since I was 15. Currently I'm 28 and he is 31. Married for 8 years.
> 
> ...



Sister, if you don't end this right now you'll look back in 20 years with real anger and regret that you wasted prime years of your life on this. I was married to a man that did want sex, just without intimacy and on his terms. I left him for other reasons but am now married to sometime that wants both sex and intimacy with me. if you don't experience this in your life you're really missing out. It's not going to change; he's either gay, asexual, or getting it somewhere else. You're way too young to deal with this. End it now, because life really is too short.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sister, if you don't end this right now you'll look back in 20 years with real anger and regret that you wasted prime years of your life on this. I was married to a man that did want sex, just without intimacy and on his terms. I left him for other reasons but am now married to sometime that wants both sex and intimacy with me. if you don't experience this in your life you're really missing out. It's not going to change; he's either gay, asexual, or getting it somewhere else. You're way too young to deal with this. End it now, because life really is too short.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree, at least for now. The OP last post her H maybe starting to open up about his issues and realize that he may be depressed. He has taken some strides (granted not as much as she would like) in rectifying this.

I do agree with a previous poster in taking the initiative to assist him in choosing a counselor. How he proceeds after this will really let her know if he is serious. 

I firmly believe as long as he continues to make strides and shows at least minimal effort the OP should continue to support him. Who knows what thoughts are in his head, my ex who was BPD didn't tell me some things about herself and mental state earlier in our marriage because of her fear i would leave her. 

There does not appear to be infidelity involved so I say to OP, wait at least until she has determined how serious he is about seeking help.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

OrangeCrush said:


> asexual men, and men with low sex drive, are absolutely 'real men'. i'm surprised you would say this, because your other posts sound like you understand that no one is lacking or broken or wrong, just different.
> 
> my partner has a low sex drive and i am very happy and satisfied with him. he has had gf's before me who were NOT happy at all. no one is inadequate or 'not real' for being who they are; some people are just not a good match and would be happier with someone more similar to them.


Ok I agree that was a low blow on my part....I cant help but resent these guys who are so lucky in my view to have a wife interested in sex. My own jealousy and resentment was coming out in my statement....

What I should have said is that she should find herself a sexual man. "Real" is not really a meaningful way to put it...we are all real.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

fetiwshwife, that does make sense, and totally understandable that you feel that way considering what you've been through. sorry if i jumped on you.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

OrangeCrush said:


> fetiwshwife, that does make sense, and totally understandable that you feel that way considering what you've been through. sorry if i jumped on you.


Thanks for the kind words...sorry about the mini threadjack.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Jessica...this is going to be a long haul, even if he does address his issues and makes huge improvements in his sexual life.

But most likely, he isn't going to much improvement that you will notice, I'm sorry to say.

I'm going to guess that he has BOTH some kind of repressed issues AND a naturally extremely low sex drive. The repression issues, yes he could probably work through those...but usually a person cannot really change their core sexual desire level. It just is what it is.

I think that the pain of leaving, will probably be less than the pain of staying.

I'm offering this because I have read literally 1,000's of stories like yours, and I know how it ends usually.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

dblkman said:


> I disagree, at least for now. The OP last post her H maybe starting to open up about his issues and realize that he may be depressed. He has taken some strides (granted not as much as she would like) in rectifying this.
> 
> I do agree with a previous poster in taking the initiative to assist him in choosing a counselor. How he proceeds after this will really let her know if he is serious.
> 
> ...


You could be right and for the OP's sake I hope you are. I just think the odds that it will really be dealt with long term aren't that good and I would hate to see precious years of her life wasted. Besides, it sounds like she's reconsidering kids and he's not so that might turn out to be the bigger issue anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Jessica...this is going to be a long haul, even if he does address his issues and makes huge improvements in his sexual life.
> 
> But most likely, he isn't going to much improvement that you will notice, I'm sorry to say.
> 
> ...


Are we really sure that someone with a naturally low sex drive usually does not change? I've read quite a few women say they became more interested in sex as they approached peri-meno...or as they addressed issues of repression, or simply with the "right" partner.

For a guy though....unless its medical I guess a low sex drive in the presence of lots of testosterone bathing the brain....there is really something different there and perhaps the switch will stay on the off position.

Anyone ever get envious of these people with low drive? It must be nice to have one less need that you feel compelled to meet to have a happy life...especially since this type of need for sex and sexual intimacy requires another person to agree and want to assist to satisfy it!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Are we really sure that someone with a naturally low sex drive usually does not change?"

This is part of why there are now lots of websites devoted to the asexual community, to help people with "normal" (bad term but can't think of a better one) sex drives understand those who have an extremely low one, or none.

Of course there are many exceptions. But I have read literally 1,000's of stories about a HD spouse trying to get an LD spouse to change this about themselves, and very few were successful, I would say less than 5%.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Also I wanted to point out, that there is nothing "wrong" with asexual and very low drive people. They don't actually need to change. They are who they are. But it is very difficult for a HD or "normal" D person to be married to them.

It is also difficult for the asexual/LD spouse to have any empathy for the HD spouse, because they cannot relate at all to why the HD spouse is so upset all the time. They do not feel those emotions that the HD spouse feels when they are denied sex, and sometimes they think the HD spouse is just "crazy" or needs therapy.

But this is just showing how different the two types of people really are. They can't even have empathy for each other. 

The fact that there is technically nothing "wrong" with the asexual/LD spouse is why this type of problem usually doesn't get resolved satisfactorily for the HD spouse.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

There is something wrong with it when the person with the sexual issue does not DISCLOSE it to their partner or even worse pretends to be sexual until marriage.

There is something wrong with it when they are missing the full range of human experience. 

Many people who lose their sex drive for medical reasons do describe a loss.

Its difficult though as a person who has never had something does not really know what they are missing.

I often have wished that my sex drive was on a switch...could be shut off at will....but I would not want to give it up totally even if I was the last person on Earth. Id still enjoy fantasy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"There is something wrong with it when the person with the sexual issue does not DISCLOSE it to their partner or even worse pretends to be sexual until marriage."

Many asexual people simply do not understand these dynamics themselves. They hear other people describe their experiences and think, ok I guess I am supposed to be like that, too. But they never feel the way the other people say they feel, so they end up pretending that they feel it, but really hoping somehow they can manufacture some feelings (because they love their partner and want to feel "normal").

So in many cases, it truly isn't a bait and switch. It is real ignorance of the huge differences in sex drives and how many problems this can cause in marriage.

There is very little out there to educate young people on sex drive level variations among people.

I have read stories by asexual men who talk about how they never understood what all the other boys were really so uptight about when they were wanting to figure out having sex...they thought the other boys were just, weird...but then THEY were made to feel THEY were weird if they did not chime in and participate in discussions about sex and wanting to explore naked females, etc. So the guys just went along and said these things. Over time, they learned how to mimic the language of a horny young male, but they never really felt those same feelings.

Then they enter adulthood, and automatically talk the learned language of a horny young male, and enter relationships...and then when he actually lets his true sex drive control the sexual relationship...nothing is there. There is no drive. There is no sex.

His girlfriend gets fussy and irritated. So he breaks up with her. 

Eventually, some girl believes that he will change, and he marries her, and makes maybe some semi-promises to work on his low sex drive.

But he never does.

Years later the wife is leaving him and can't believe she ignored every red flag.

Have read hundreds of stories just like this, about asexual MEN.

More stories like this about women, but soooo many men have low sex drives....I bet it is almost half and half at this point.


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Start looking for therapists for him. Ask if he wants M or F. Go online and pick three that look good and tell him to make an appointment. If he's depressed he could be overwhelmed by choosing someone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Took your advice and asked him if he would like my help to find a therapist for him. He said yes. I think he was either overwhelmed, embarrassed, or maybe he just didn't want to go. 

He says he is afraid he won't like the therapist, or their treatment style. But I know that if I make the appt for him he will at least give it one try..


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

*Re: Re: Husband rejects me all the time, need advice*



Jessica373 said:


> Took your advice and asked him if he would like my help to find a therapist for him. He said yes. I think he was either overwhelmed, embarrassed, or maybe he just didn't want to go.
> 
> He says he is afraid he won't like the therapist, or their treatment style. But I know that if I make the appt for him he will at least give it one try..


My mentor once told me that "the husband may be the head but his wife is the neck that turns the head". There are times we men want help but are too embarrassed to ask for it. Especially when it comes to intimacy. Glad u have his back


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Many asexual people simply do not understand these dynamics themselves. They hear other people describe their experiences and think, ok I guess I am supposed to be like that, too. But they never feel the way the other people say they feel, so they end up pretending that they feel it, but really hoping somehow they can manufacture some feelings (because they love their partner and want to feel "normal").


This sounds familiar. He has never been an introspective person, and I'm not sure that he would recognize the signs of asexuality in himself.

I remember finding a playboy mag one time very early in our relationship. (trust me this was a one time occurrence and I am as sure as I can be that there is no secret porn stash or addiction- not that I have a problem with porn, I don't. If he wanted to watch porn with me I would be happy, but this has only happened maybe twice in 12 years)

He told me he bought the magazine because when I found out he did not look at porn or masturbate ever I said he was in the minority (he was 19 at the time) and he basically thought he _should_ give it a try, but ended up feeling weird and not enjoying it. 

It's funny because I can't remember if it was before or after that experience when he got mad at me when he found out I masturbated... So confused.


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Jessica...this is going to be a long haul, even if he does address his issues and makes huge improvements in his sexual life.
> 
> But most likely, he isn't going to much improvement that you will notice, I'm sorry to say.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the honesty. I am definitely struggling with the decision to stay or go. I want him to get professional help either way. It is hard because he finally seems willing to work on it, but I'm not sure if I am prepared for the 'long haul' in which there will be no guarantees... It's been so many years already, and I'm burnt out.


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## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

He will have no children, and he will not fulfill your emotional needs. Even a Lon therapy for his depression, to which he agreed only to appease you, might have limited results, or might not. Count your loses and leave, give yourself a chance to find a true, fulfilling love.


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

Well. He didn't go to therapy.. And I was not able to make an appt for him because I needed to know which therapists were in his insurance network and he wouldn't give me the info. If I could afford to pay for therapy without insurance trust me I would have made an appt anyway, but money is tight.

I finally told him it was obvious he was dodging going to therapy and he admitted that he had been, because he didn't think it would help him. I tried to convince him that lots of people feel that way at first but it doesn't mean they can't be helped, no luck though. He won't be pursuing it further, and he also won't be getting tested for low T.

I asked him if he thought he could be asexual. He doesn't think so, but when I started asking him questions he agreed that some of it sounded like him. He keeps going back to his brother getting that girl pregnant when they were very young, which destroyed their family, it gave him a negative view of sex, and he says that is why he thinks he wasn't interested in sex as a teenager, because he viewed it as morally wrong before marriage... Except we are married, so I don't really buy it... I also asked him if he was ever sexually abused, he said no.

I also straight up asked him if he was attracted to other people, just not me. He said no, and I believe him.*

I asked him how often he would like to have sex if I wasn't initiating, all he would say is I don't know. *All he could do was joke around and acknowledge that the stars pretty much have to align for him to want sex. *He also said that maybe he is afraid of me rejecting him.. I had to call bullsh*t on that one. Because I never reject him. And I can try to have sex with him 10 days in a row and get shut down every time. It was insulting to hear him say that, because i dont think he even believes it. It is clear that he has no idea why or wont tell me the truth.*

So I told him how important sex was to me, and asked him what I should do since he is unwilling to seek any insight into why he is this way and isn't compromising, other than A half hearted attempt to stop rejecting me so often a couple weeks ago when we talked the first time.*

His suggestion? That I should make him do it even if he tries to reject me initially.*
Is that compromise? Is that all I was fighting for? Sorry but if that is what compromise looks like I don't want it.*

I know he has no idea what is about to happen, and I feel horrible because I know he loves me in his own way, and I do love him too, but not enough to do this forever. I will be filing for divorce very soon.

Thanks to everyone here, you have been really helpful during this tough time, and you gave me the courage to stop sweeping this issue under the rug. I think I always knew that if I confronted it that it would end this way, but I wasn't ready then. I am ready now.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I don't know what they are but they issues are very serious. A man any age would go crazy with desire for his woman seeking sexual fulfillment. Just flat out unhealthy. If he is not concerned with your happiness or unwilling to actively try to get help then you must change your circumstances.
He is not man any man would want to be
If he is un willing to or unable to communicate his lack desire and address it with or without outside help get out
ASAP You are far too young to live like this


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