# no communication, etc



## macaroon (Jul 15, 2015)

I've been married to my H for 2.5 years, but we've known each other over 10. In a nutshell, we rarely have sex (once a month maybe) and he rarely initiates. He also doesn't show a ton of enthusiasm for doing things together, we simply are together out of the fact that we have few friends and no family around (new in town). To get him to consider going on vacation and taking off work was a challenge, and he still never asked off. We 're supposedly going away when he has random days off when the job is closed.

It never used to be like that. I've tried to talk about this so many times, and sometimes he will make a face and act hurt and not say anything, sometimes he'll actually look sad and regretful, but never really make any changes. A lot of ppl experience this, I know.

I had a talk with my H last night, a planned one that I asked to have. I was careful and slow, making sure to simply say what I felt rather than make accusations (I feel like I'm not desired, I feel like we are watching our lives pass us by, etc). Since I said I wanted to talk on the kitchen after dinner but he went straight to bed without a word as I started dishes, I don't think he even wanted to talk. During the whole two minute thing in which I talked, he wouldn't make eye contact and wouldn't sit up.

I said all I needed to say and asked what he thought. He just said he had nothing to say. 

Nothing. I've got nothing. He avoided me this morning until I came out to say bye as he left for work, and that was a kind of normal hug and kiss. But still....can I get something??? Even like, a negative response. Something. 

Does anyone have experience with a totally non communicative partner? I'm not surprised he's being this way, but at this point I really need help. 

Thank you.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

The first thing would be to try again tonight and if he still has nothing to say tell him to think about it and you can revisit in a day or two. Many men do not think as fast as women on these sorts of issues, he may be processing what you said and will be able to respond after a time.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'd tell him that you have tried to communicate with him, he has refused so you are setting up marriage counseling for the both of you.

If he refuses to go alone, tell him you will go by yourself since it's the last thing you will do to save the marriage. At counseling you will learn how to (a) get him to change, (b) accept him as he is or (c) move forward without him in your life.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

While this seems counterintuitive, you may actually have to instigate a strong argument with your husband so that issues can come to light and can be aired out. If he has a tendency to be physical in arguments (hitting things or smashing dishes); obviously this is not a good idea, but if the two of you can handle a nice good argument while remaining semi-civilized with your emotions then walking around topics lightly while continuing to avoid the argument brewing beneath the two of you will only make things worse. 

Think of a volcano... If it erupts continuously it is very manageable and is often a force of creation. If it goes years and years with only trembles here and there it can explode and be destructive to everything nearby. 

Coming from a family that loves to argue you just have to follow the golden rule! No arguing until AFTER everyone has finished eating. 

Now if your husband is silent because he is depressed that is a different ball of wax and that likely needs tender love and care as opposed picking a fight. Since you are married to him, you should have an idea of what you are dealing with, just stay strong!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## macaroon (Jul 15, 2015)

Hrm, I typed out a response, but it's not showing up :/ hopefully I don't get double!

Well, I basically said that I might just act normal and have regular conversation with him tonight. I really want him to say something on his own for once. 

He's also working the first if three consecutive days of 10 hour days today, then running the 6 miles home after (we're both marathon training, I know it's crazy). So having a heavy convo is going to annoy him. 

I want counseling for myself anyway. I need someone to talk to obvs.


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## macaroon (Jul 15, 2015)

Badsanta, I appreciate your advice, but that's not us. I like a good debate, but fighting with passion, that's never gotten me anywhere with anyone. He especially would never respond to that kind of behavior other than to get away from it, and I don't blame him. And, seriously, if he ever got physical, I'd end it right there. That's just over the line. 

He tends to shut down when I say anything that, in his words, criticizes him (if I try to show him how to make oatmeal on the stove where it won't boil over and make a giant mess, that's "criticism"). While, he has no qualms about "criticizing" me (I'm very willing to know how I can improve). So I think he doesn't know how to respond to my problem with him because he doesn't usually respond to them.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I would be wondering is my husband was acting this way is he depressed? not into me anymore? not happy in the marriage? mad or resentful about something I did? having an affair? low t count? stressed? I know it's tough because he won't talk about it. 

Was he this way when you were dating? Has anything is your life changed that would cause him to be this way? Has he always had a LL? That's why I brought up the low t count. Men generally don't like to talk about their feelings.


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## macaroon (Jul 15, 2015)

Happilymarried25, I think he's difficult at times because he's very into and sometimes stressed about his job. He actually loves his current role, but takes it very seriously. he works with 4 year olds as a teacher, and is very serious about being on time, on the ball, etc for the sake of the children. I think that's admirable. But, I think he doesn't balance home life well with work life. I'd say all this to him but it's like talking to the wall.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

macaroon said:


> ....*we rarely have sex (once a month maybe*) and he rarely initiates.
> 
> ....He also *doesn't show a ton of enthusiasm for doing things together,* we simply are together out of the fact that we have few friends and no family around (new in town). To get him to consider going on vacation and taking off work was a challenge,
> 
> ...



Ok where to start. I am a big fan of Chapman's 5 languages of Love and Schnarch's Passionate Marriage & Crucible. There are lots and ltos of ways to communication. Chapman defines 5 love languages: Touch, Praise, Presents, Quality Time, Acts of Service. Maybe your husband doesn't feel you are communicating to him in his "love languages" and is withdrawing from you because of it. 

One of the things that Schnarch likes to point out is that most couples do not have communications problems, they communicate very very well. He used the example of the married couple at dinner, who aren't talking, because they each know what the other will say and they have heard the response hundreds of time. They can communicate by body language, facial expressions and tone of voice far more information than a young dating couple will with tons of words. Your husbands frown and mood are communication that you "hear" but not fully processing.

I am also a great fan of Sue Johnson and her book "Told Me Tight,"
which explains how touch is a HUGE form of communication and a basic human need. https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201302/the-power-touch

I would like you to consider for a moment that perhaps your pushing for "verbal conversation" may be causing him to retreat. I think that you have reasons to be concerned about your relationship and that you do need to communicate with your husband in a way that you both benefit and change the dynamic in your relationship.

Marriage counseling is one option, so might be reading say Chapman and Sue Johnson's books on relationships. In my sex starved marriage I was dumbfounded when I understood Chapman's 5 LL and that I had been telling my wife each and every day how much I loved her in my LL and she had been telling me every day in her LL that she loved me, but neither of us felt loved.

My LL's are touch and praise. When I would touch my wife and tell her what a wonderful woman she was she would think I was just pawing at her and trying to butter her up to get in her pants. 

MY W's LL are quality time and acts fo service. She would make sure each day there was a hot dinner waiting when I got home and that we would spend time at the dinner table to talk about our days. That was her idea of showing me her love.

When something at work came up and I worked late to get it done without calling home, it would ruin the dinner and not give her quality time. I felt I was being the good provider and advancing my career so we could afford more things. She felt I might have well have slapped her in the face. That is how our marriage started to unwind into a sex starved marriage.

When I understood that communication was much, much more than words, I started to communicate my love for hear each day in HER LL's. I would get up early and bring her coffee in bed as an act of service she liked. I would talk with her as she woke up about what was happening in each of our days. That way she would start the day feeling loved and cherished. It made a huge difference in how she felt about me.

My advice to you to read and learn about Chapman's 5 LL, not push you H into a verbal confrontation, but make him feel loved and communicate in all the ways that are available to you. He may just open up after a while, especially if he also learns what Chapman is saying in his book.

Good luck.


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## macaroon (Jul 15, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I would be wondering is my husband was acting this way is he depressed? not into me anymore? not happy in the marriage? mad or resentful about something I did? having an affair? low t count? stressed? I know it's tough because he won't talk about it.
> 
> Was he this way when you were dating? Has anything is your life changed that would cause him to be this way? Has he always had a LL? That's why I brought up the low t count. Men generally don't like to talk about their feelings.


I don't believe there's an affair. I have thought of that and I honestly can't imagine when he would have time. When we're not at work, we're together. We spend maybe too much time together, tbh. Maybe that's something?

I do know that he's not happy with my attitude and wellness of late. I am rather depressed in my current situation now - not happy with my job, we both don't make much money, neither of us have any friends in town since we're new. So, I'm bummed on my own. His comment yesterday, "stop making it affect me," is what finally made me sit him down and explain that my depression is partly BECAUSE OF him. This non-support is also what is hurting me.

Low "t" count, low drive, other bodily stuff, no idea because, yeah, he doesn't talk. I don't even know if he feels like it's an issue that we don't really get intimate or cuddle much.

But, things weren't always like this for sure. We used to do all the romantic things ppl do when they first get together. I know that things cool down and become more about habit than romance. That is totally normal and acceptable to me. I'm not asking we both revert back to the old days because we were in our 20s, we didn't have all the responsibilities we have now, etc. 

But, what I DO want is for something more than what we have, which isn't much. I suspect that if we keep on this then in 10 years it would be worse, hence why I'm trying to start now.


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## macaroon (Jul 15, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> My advice to you to read and learn about Chapman's 5 LL, not push you H into a verbal confrontation, but make him feel loved and communicate in all the ways that are available to you. He may just open up after a while, especially if he also learns what Chapman is saying in his book.
> 
> Good luck.


WOW. Thank you, Young at Heart. I have to admit, that's not something I would have come up on my own, but it makes so much sense. I have always kept an eye on his body language when we're having a heavy discussion, so you'd think I would have considered non-verbal communication of some kind before. Duh. 

Omg, I'm yeah, this is totally making sense. Now, I'm compelled to sit down and think about and write down ways in which I think I show my love or unknowingly show or do things that I think are fine but that might show that I'm uninterested, etc. 

Thanks so much for the book recs. This means a lot and I feel a bit more confident now. :smile2:


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## Midnight_cowboy (Jul 16, 2015)

Have YOU changed physically?

I mean aside from the normal changes due to age.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

macaroon said:


> .....Now, I'm compelled to sit down and think about and write down ways in which I think I show my love or unknowingly show or do things that I think are fine but that might show that I'm uninterested, etc.
> 
> Thanks so much for the book recs. This means a lot and I feel a bit more confident now. :smile2:


Confidence is sexy! Go for it!

After you have read Chapman's 5 LL, and take the test to understand yourself, go to your list and see what it is "you" are doing to make hm feel loved, that he may not be able to translate into his LL's.

Then go look at a list of things he does that drive you nuts, a list of things he does that you find make you feel loved and compare them to your love languages.

If you can get him to take the test at the back of Chapman's book you can save a lot of time.

There are also was to combine love languages. For example, if I give my wife a massage, I can express love through touch and offer it either as a "present" or an "act of service." My wife who is an act of service person could give me a massage as an act of service that would make the touch part of me feel cherished.

What you will find is that men generall have higher needs for touch, praise, and acts of service, but not always. Women tend to have higher needs for presents, quality time, and acts of service. Your mileage may very on these, but if in doubt it can be a good starting point for exploration on trying to make your H happy.

Good luck.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi macaroon How are u? Any update on the problem?


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