# Husband has stopped tending to his hygiene



## jmw2000 (Jul 6, 2021)

Hello,

I am new here and am in desperate need of advice/guidance. My husband and I have been together for a total of 21 years (married for 13 of those years). He is 11 years older than me. I am 39 (will be 40 in the fall) and he just turned 51 last month. I am dealing with a fairly new and progressive issue with my husband that I never in a million years thought I'd have to deal with, and that is his total neglect of his own personal hygiene over the past 6-7 months.

My husband began working from home full-time at the end of 2020. I also work from home. Ever since he transitioned to working from home, I've noticed that he is not tending to his personal hygiene any longer, at least nowhere near how he used to prior to working from home. When he worked out of the home, he would shower every single morning before work without fail. However, since he started working from home, I'm lucky if he showers more than once per week. I should also mention that my husband has multiple chronic medical issues. He is obese, is a type 2 diabetic, and has coronary artery disease. He underwent double bypass open-heart surgery back in 2015 and he had a heart attack a year ago. He is also in pain management for chronic spinal issues that he has been dealing with for several years. He has had health issues for many years and they seem to only be getting worse. He has spent a great deal of time in and out of the hospital over the years for various reasons. Despite all this, he still continues to smoke cigarettes (I am not a smoker) and he really has no desire to quit and outright refuses to exercise in any way, shape, or form. He also has been suffering from severe urinary incontinence for quite a few years, but that is something he refuses to even talk about. He even wets the bed. He has always tried to hide this from me, but obviously I know. This is also a major factor that contributes to his serious lack of hygiene these past several months. He smells EXTREMELY bad. It's so bad that when I walk into his office after he's been in there all day working with the door closed, I nearly vomit. It smells like urine and plain old filth. Whenever he walks by me I smell it. I have told him that he needs to shower at least 4 times per week as well as brush his teeth at least twice a day, but every time I mention this, he gets very defensive and upset and refuses to even discuss it. 

I am at a complete loss and am at my wits end, which is why I am here. I understand that he has health issues, but this is getting out of control. He is TOTALLY letting himself go and is NOT taking care of his health or his hygiene. I literally have to nag him just to brush his teeth, and he still won't do it, even after I bought him a very nice $100 electric toothbrush for Christmas. He has been horrible about brushing his teeth for several years and I do not understand why, but it's beyond disgusting. He gets mad at me if I even bring it up. I'm lucky if he brushes his teeth once or twice a MONTH. He already had to have a tooth pulled about a year and a half ago due to severe decay (although he denies that it was decay and made up some other excuse, but I know the real reason - I'm not stupid, as much as he would like to think I am). I have been hounding him to call the dentist to schedule the implant that he was supposed to get a long time ago, but he refuses to call, saying it's too expensive and insurance won't pay for it. I have told him that cost was not an issue. We have the money and can easily afford it, but he just won't do it.

His complete lack of hygiene is killing me. I don't even sleep in the same bed as him anymore. I sleep in our spare bedroom. I just can't stand the smell. Between his urinary incontinence and his horrendously offensive odor, I can't take it any longer. I feel like I have a child, not a husband, who I have to constantly hound just to tend to the most basic daily self-care routines that any full-grown adult should be doing at their on free will. His office literally smells like urine. I cannot even go in there. I don't see how he can stand being so filthy. I am very much on top of my own hygiene. I shower every single day no matter what and never fail to brush my teeth 2-3 times a day. Also, unlike him, I am very active. I am an avid runner and I work out regularly and eat a healthy diet - all things that he does not do anymore.

My husband has turned into a complete slug. Yes, he does have a good job and works 40 hours per week, but most days, as soon as he is finished with work, he gets right into bed. He claims that he is in pain and needs to lie down. He just will not do anything to help himself. I can't even ask him for help with anything around the house without him getting all huffy and puffy and acting as though I had asked him to run a marathon. He thinks that just because he goes grocery shopping, he shouldn't have to help with anything else. I hate to say that I am repulsed, but.....

Does anyone have any advice for me? He did NOT used to be like this AT ALL. I feel like him transitioning to working from home was the worst thing that could have possibly happened. It has just exacerbated his laziness to the maximum. He has let all personal hygiene go out the window. I've tried to hint that he smells horrible by asking him, "Are you going to shower soon???" or I'll put a towel in his office after he's gone to bed for the next morning and I will send a text to his phone saying, "I put a clean towel in your office so you can take a shower." I'm literally grasping at straws here. It is IMPOSSIBLE to discuss any of these issues with him. He gets very defensive, angry, and shuts right down. This is making me miserable. I am sick of the constant smell of urine and having a husband who is always filthy and whose breath could kill a sewer rat, not to mention the big old very unsightly gap that he has from where he had that tooth pulled and refuses to get the implant that he was supposed to get. I am not a vain person, but he looks AWFUL. Even family and friends have made comments lately, and it's embarrassing.

I'm hoping that someone can give me some advice. I don't know what is going on with him. It's possible that he could be severely depressed, but that's not a valid excuse to me. I've been depressed before, but I still took care of my hygiene! I just don't know what to do anymore. I obviously can't talk to him about any of this. One thing I do know is that I can't go on like this for much longer, that's for darn sure.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Wow this sounds terrible to live with… is he mentally sharp? Any cognitive decline?

Im really sorry you’re dealing with this, the only advice I can give you is that you should stop giving him hints and telling him to shower and brush his teeth (because it’s not working).

I don’t know what else to say except I feel for you… have you got any kids at home?

It’s very sad he’s become like this, has he opened up at all as to why?


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## jmw2000 (Jul 6, 2021)

No kids. No cognitive decline, just very irritable a majority of the time. As far as him opening up about any of this, as I said in my post, he refuses to discuss any of it and becomes very defensive whenever I bring it up.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

jmw2000 said:


> It's possible that he could be severely depressed, but that's not a valid excuse to me. I've been depressed before, but I still took care of my hygiene!


That's not how illnesses work. Just because you experienced an illness one way does not mean everyone else does.


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## jmw2000 (Jul 6, 2021)

Yes, I realize this. Obviously, everyone has a different experience when it comes to mental illness. I have worked in medicine my entire working life, including in the mental health field. However, I have a very strong feeling that he IS depressed as a result of all of his medical conditions coupled with his physical pain and decline.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Men tend to respond to bluntness. Have the big sitdown with him. "This is not good. You're better than this. I'm not attracted to this version of you. Nobody would be. You need to shape up and get with the program... now. You're about to lose your wife."


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

He is dying. 

In the wild when an animal starts getting sick and near the end of its life, it will stop grooming itself, it will stop foraging for the good food and will stop seeking a mate. 

It will spend much of its days laying under its bush and just munch on whatever leaves or grubs or bugs are within easy grasp. 

It will then either die during the next cold spell or drought or freezing rain.

Or it will begin to smell like its own excrement and alert predators to its presence and they will come in the night and eat it. 

He has begun his death process. He has serious, chronic health issues and has gotten to the point he is no longer embracing life or caring for himself. 

It may take another 10 years for him to actually stop breathing but the process has begun and if not stopped and reversed, there will be a cascade of other diseases and conditions until he finally succumbs. In other words, if not aggressively addressed, it will only get worse going forward. 

You on the other hand are in the prime of life. 

You don’t have to watch him allow himself to die day by day before your eyes. 

If he is at a point he is ready to lay down and wallow away and die, that is his perogative. But you don’t have to be a part of that and you don’t have to be his hospice nurse. 

I agree with DTO above, with men you must be blunt and to the point. If you can’t live with watching him die by his own neglect, be upfront that either he start taking care of himself or you’re out. 

He may say, “OK” and watch you pack and leave sitting in his comfy chair with his box of donuts. 

Or it may motivate him to clean himself up and save his own life.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

jmw2000 said:


> No kids. No cognitive decline, just very irritable a majority of the time. As far as him opening up about any of this, as I said in my post, he refuses to discuss any of it and becomes very defensive whenever I bring it up.


If he's in a pain management program, and I don't want to assume here but if applies - there's the effect any opioid or narcotic pain medication regimen to deal with. 
That can very much affect his state of mind day to day. 

Any variations in the timing of meds will most assuredly affect his mood and actions.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

OP, if he's on a steady opioid pain maintenance schedule I'd very much recommend you become informed of the circumstances that by it's nature is present, and address that scenario as a separate but related issue. It will affect his actions.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

jmw2000 said:


> Yes, I realize this. Obviously, everyone has a different experience when it comes to mental illness. I have worked in medicine my entire working life, including in the mental health field. However, I have a very strong feeling that he IS depressed as a result of all of his medical conditions coupled with his physical pain and decline.


Sorry you are going through this difficult experience with your husband. Sounds like he is severely depressed and in urgent need of professional help. You can't deal with this on your own. If he continues to refuse to seek medical and professional help, he needs to know that you won't be here for him as his condition continues to deteriorate. I agree with oldshirt, it might save him or it might not, but you reached a point where it's impossible to be functional while seeing him let himself die.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tell him he can either deal with his issues or you're filing for divorce.

Then do it.

That's what men understand. We women make a big mistake because we don't tell them we're leaving until we're done and then there's nothing they can do 

If that doesn't wake him up nothing will.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am sorry you are going through this.

I agree with @oldshirt's assessment.



Move out, get an apartment (or move in with a friend or a relative), do not divorce him....yet.

Drop off prepared, _already-cooked_ food once every other day or so.

Drop off milk and bread, whatever he likes.

He will be gone in a year or so.

Whatever he has in assets will go to you.

I do not think he can cut you out of his will.

If something changes down the road and you need to divorce, than do it at that time.

He has given up, let him do so in solitude.

He is suffering horribly. Don't add to it and don't subject yourself to his bad state of mind.
Move out.
Be the bigger person.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@jmw2000 , I haven't read any replies yet, only your initial post, so I'm sorry if some of this has already been said.

So, you have a husband who has a list of health issues, smokes, doesn't exercise, and has a complete lack of regard for personal hygiene, and this is a relatively new thing. To me, it sounds like he may be severely depressed and in need of some emotional support in way of a therapist and possibly some medication.

He has chronic pain issues? Anyone who I know who is obese and doesn't exercise also has chronic pain issues; I believe that those tend to go hand in hand. When I don't get any exercise, my body also aches, and it's just from not moving. Exercise could go a long way to improving things for him, including his outlook possibly. No, it's not the cure for everything, but it could help. 

Not cleaning himself or brushing his teeth? That's just gross. Are you guys intimate? And he also pees the bed and doesn't think that's a problem? Yikes.

So, he doesn't listen or gets defensive when you try to talk to him about these things? It sounds like you have a big problem on your hands. Here's what I would do in your situation: I would sit him down and tell him very calmly but firmly that this isn't going to go on any longer. That either he gets some help and starts taking care of himself again, or I will be leaving and probably filing for divorce unless things change. Personally, I couldn't be intimate with (or even standing near) someone who refuses to wash, brush his teeth and pees the bed and probably a bit in his pants too. Without intimacies, you're roommates, not a married couple. So, what's the point of staying married in that case. I would just lay it on the line: change back to who you were, or I can't stay. Whether that's a matter of seeing a therapist to get some help with his issues, or as simple as him relearning that he needs to shower and brush his teeth everyday. He does also need to go see a doctor about his incontinence issues, as well as stop smoking.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

JMW I was in your husband's shoes for about 20 years. Massively overweight, diabetic, back pain, knee pain, and most importantly, severely clinically depressed. The cluster of complaints could have easily ended my marriage. Instead, they combined with my weight and my smoking to add up to a minor heart attack at age 40, and a massive heart attack at age 45. I got a cardiologist. I got an endocrinologist and I got a great psychiatrist. Over the course of the next 20 years, we got rid of the problems that haunted me. I lost the weight (330 lbs to 165 lbs). I got the diabetes under control. And most importantly, I got the crap out of my head that was causing the depression. Your first posting triggered a memory of when my depression was at its worst, I too gave up on personal grooming. Imagine a person north of 300 pounds not bothering to shave or shower for weeks. Not pretty. I now consider that as a primary symptom of mental illness.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It becomes really hard as you age and health declines to even stand up long enough to shower and certainly near impossible to get out of a tub or into it. That doesn't mean he gets to sit around stinking. You should get him some tools to make it easier.

If you can't afford an actual shower conversion to accommodate him where you can walk in easily and it's got a place to sit, then find a shower chair. Now I recently looked for them because my knees don't bend well and I can't sit in a normal-height chair. Unfortunately I found that the "adjustable chairs" were mostly bogus. They didn't start at normal height and go up. They started at normal height and only adjusted downward, which didn't help me at all, and they were all like that. 

Find out what height he can easily get up and down from. If it's under 21 inches, then a shower chair might go to that range. You have to measure the flat part of your tub bottom and get one narrow enough to fit in there -- and that doesn't work for bigger people. If you have money, get a larger shower with tall ledge installed with handrails to pull himself up and down. 

Also, does he have trouble getting up and down from the toilet? You need to get the highest toilet available, and you can get them. You may need to have good solid rails installed in the bathroom shower and around the toilet. 

Be sure you have non-slip in the shower or tub and something on the floor outside it as well so he doesn't fall or isn't afraid of falling.

If you are unable to accommodate his shower needs, show him how to take a sink bath. Put a chair in there, or a rolling height-adjustable desk chair extra large that he can roll in and out of the restroom. Or he could do it at the kitchen sink. Tell him he has to use soap on his pits and groin and then rinse it off with clean water and not to forget to brush his teeth. Really, people old enough already know how to do this because if they ever visited a relative without running water in the country, that's how it's been done for centuries. But younger generations may have no idea about it. It's how people lived for a long time.

My mom still had the big white pitcher and washbowl they used to fill from bucket in the well. You'd pour a little water in and use the soap and then throw that out and refill with clean water to rinse off with. You'd want to switch to a deodorant soap that is easily rinsed off and not use something like Caress or Dove that is hard to wash off. You might want to experiment yourself to find one that rinses off real easily. 

I have two bad knees it hurts to stand on for long that won't bend well and a full-tear rotator cuff on one shoulder and there's days I don't feel like I can last long enough to wash my hair in the shower, but I've started washing my hair one trip and then doing the rest of the bathing the next trip to minimize time on my legs. Sometimes I will just wash up in the sink, a spit bath, but it's true you won't be quite as fresh. You could help him wash his back though and that would help. Be sure you have a long brush to make it easier for him to reach spots. 

You'll have to kindly tell him, maybe starting with, that it's nice he doesn't have to do it every day now, that he still needs to keep himself clean. But start by just fixing things as easy for him as possible to encourage him. You don't want to have to start telling him he stinks on a regular basis, so start with accommodating him. Also, not washing can cause some skin issues, fungus and the like. You can also tell him he needs to bathe before putting on clean clothes or there's no point. He's just getting old and disabled. But make sure he knows he needs to bathe at least every other day even if staying home and every day he goes out and he can spit-bath in between some. 

I had to actually tell my sister some years ago she had to use soap, not just get wet in the shower. Some people seem to just not realize....


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> He is dying.
> 
> In the wild when an animal starts getting sick and near the end of its life, it will stop grooming itself, it will stop foraging for the good food and will stop seeking a mate.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. You have to talk to him. I also think it's good to understand that your husband probably knows he is dying. But he may care about you enough to make an effort. I would try to attack it this way first. Not "You stink and it's gross" but 'please don't make me watch you give up, it's too painful." Hopefully that might get through.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

stress or depression are the things to look for when this happens


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## memyselfandI4 (Jul 6, 2021)

He is clearly suffering from depression, as well as his other health conditions. I wish I had some really good advice for you to get him to get up and take a shower and whatnot, but when people get like that they don't have the same senses or ability to recognize those issues. Leave or don't leave I don't have any advice, but don't baby him, be blunt (I know it's hard). His issues are clearly circular - so I have this suggestion. Throw in a wrench in the works where you can. Depression and all the health issues you named all have something in common a lack of and or an increased need fo nutrients like magnessium and b vitamins. I am assuming he doesn't go to the grocery store, which is an opprtounity to make sure there is nothing in the house but very nutrient dense foods. He'll have to take care of himself if he want's something else. Good places to start are leafy greens - which can be juiced, lots of fruits and vegetables, absolutly NO processed foods/sweets. Does he go buy his own ciggarettes? Couples tend to feed into eachother problms - look where you are part of the cycle and remove your self. Best of luck.


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## jmw2000 (Jul 6, 2021)

Yes, my husband is in pain management and is on a prescribed low-dose opiate; however, he has been on this for the past 7-8 years due to his spinal canal stenosis and his lack of attention to hygiene only started when he began working strictly from home in November/December of this past year. It was never an issue before that. He would always shower every single morning before he left for work and it was never an issue. He was always very attentive to his hygiene and would use body sprays, wear cologne, and actually used to always smell very nice. This problem only started when he began working from home, so it's not really fair to blame the pain medication that he has been taking for nearly the past decade. Also, he does NOT have problems getting in and out of the shower. His mobility is not great, but it's nowhere near that bad. Plus, we also have a walk-in shower stall in one of our bathrooms that he uses. This isn't an issue of him having difficulty getting in and out of the shower or having poor balance. He is more than capable in that regard.

I am fully aware of what his diet should be. I am actually a certified personal trainer and sports nutritionist. He does eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, but he also eats a lot of junk and simple carbs and refined sugars. He hides junk food in his office. I found a whole package of Oreos in there the other day and one time he had a full cake. I cannot say anything to him about this because he just automatically goes on the defense and will say something like, "Just leave me alone."

And to the ones who told me to move out and get an apartment, that is not happening. I own this house (only my name is on the mortgage), I work from home, and I also breed and show Golden Retrievers and have 5 of them, so getting an apartment is not even a remote option. Plus, I do not WANT to move.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jmw2000 said:


> I cannot say anything to him about this because he just automatically goes on the defense and will say something like, "Just leave me alone."


Since you can't talk to him about the situation, the only thing you can do is respect his wishes. Leave him alone. Sad, but true.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

jmw2000 said:


> Yes, my husband is in pain management and is on a prescribed low-dose opiate; however, he has been on this for the past 7-8 years due to his spinal canal stenosis and his lack of attention to hygiene only started when he began working strictly from home in November/December of this past year. It was never an issue before that. He would always shower every single morning before he left for work and it was never an issue. This problem only started when he began working from home, so it's not really fair to blame the pain medication that he has been taking for nearly the past decade. Also, he does NOT have problems getting in and out of the shower. His mobility is not great, but it's nowhere near that bad. Plus, we also have a walk-in shower stall in one of our bathrooms that he uses. This isn't an issue of him having difficulty getting in and out of the shower or having poor balance. He is more than capable in that regard.


Thanks for sharing. The whole situation is difficult and I'm sorry you're going through this.

No condemnation at all, pain management can provide what mobility is possible and that mobility keeps a person functional. 

There are challenges to be aware of with opiate long term treatment, I enthusiastically suggest being in the loop with his dr on the regimen, ie is it varying dosages, multiple meds, long term expectations.

This will have more impact on his day to day frame of mind.
Even though the problem started during the work at home, or was exacerbated by working at home, that may be just timing, and he may have started having challenges covid or not.

Again, just be aware this may be a larger part of his mental state issues.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Unfortunately, the hygiene of some people tends to fall apart when they start working from home. What a spouse thinks often doesn’t matter. If he doesn’t want your involvement then you need to consider what the next step is.


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## jmw2000 (Jul 6, 2021)

That is kind of an unfair blanket statement. Not everybody who works remotely from home is like this. I have been working from home since 2003/2004 and I still take a shower every single evening without fail. I can' t even remember a day in the past 20-25 years that I did not shower daily. Proper hygiene was instilled in me by my parents at a very early age. I cannot stand going a day without showering. It just feels gross. I also brush and floss my teeth 2-3 times per day. I can't stand the feeling of plaque on my teeth. Plus, I'd kind of like to keep all of my own teeth!

[/QUOTE]


Openminded said:


> Unfortunately, the hygiene of some people tends to fall apart when they start working from home. What a spouse thinks often doesn’t matter. If he doesn’t want your involvement then you need to consider what the next step is.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

jmw2000 said:


> That is kind of an unfair blanket statement. Not everybody who works remotely from home is like this. I have been working from home since 2003/2004 and I still take a shower every single evening without fail. I can' t even remember a day in the past 20-25 years that I did not shower daily. Proper hygiene was instilled in me by my parents at a very early age. I cannot stand going a day without showering. It just feels gross. I also brush and floss my teeth 2-3 times per day. I can't stand the feeling of plaque on my teeth. Plus, I'd kind of like to keep all of my own teeth!


Apparently you missed the word “some” in my post.


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## jmw2000 (Jul 6, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> Thanks for sharing. The whole situation is difficult and I'm sorry you're going through this.
> 
> No condemnation at all, pain management can provide what mobility is possible and that mobility keeps a person functional.
> 
> ...


I'm very much in the loop on his healthcare. I always have been. I know every medication that he is on. I am very involved in that regard. I also have direct communication with his primary care provider and I attend most of his appointments with him. He is on a medication for depression/anxiety, which he started taking roughly a year or so ago, but I don't really thing that it's having a great effect.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

jmw2000 said:


> I'm very much in the loop on his healthcare. I always have been. I know every medication that he is on. I am very involved in that regard. I also have direct communication with his primary care provider and I attend most of his appointments with him. He is on a medication for depression/anxiety, which he started taking roughly a year or so ago, but I don't really thing that it's having a great effect.


Maybe it's time to get his primary care doctor involved. Make a call or send an email and let his doctor know what's going on. Will your husband go to an appointment if one is scheduled?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

jmw2000 said:


> I'm very much in the loop on his healthcare. I always have been. I know every medication that he is on. I am very involved in that regard. I also have direct communication with his primary care provider and I attend most of his appointments with him. He is on a medication for depression/anxiety, but I don't really thing that it's having a great effect.


That's super you're involved. Good job on that.
Sometimes antidepressants are almost automatically prescribed with pain management meds but not always needed. I wonder if he's shown any improvement at all from the antidepressants?

If not, perhaps discarding or changing may help. I know it's hard. There does come a time, and you may be there, where you have to step back a bit to protect yourself. 

Perhaps see if surgery could help for permanence in pain reduction, although that's not always guaranteed. 
If his dosage is increasing due to tolerance levels that will progress forever until a crash of sorts.

But if nothing changes, nothing changes and you're looking at your next 10 yrs.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Rowan said:


> Maybe it's time to get his primary care doctor involved. Make a call or send an email and let his doctor know what's going on. Will your husband go to an appointment if one is scheduled?


Good point. Lord, his primary should already be in the loop, without exception.


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## jmw2000 (Jul 6, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> That's super you're involved. Good job on that.
> Sometimes antidepressants are almost automatically prescribed with pain management meds but not always needed. I wonder if he's shown any improvement at all from the antidepressants?
> 
> If not, perhaps discarding or changing may help. I know it's hard. There does come a time, and you may be there, where you have to step back a bit to protect yourself.
> ...


His primary care is already involved. He is not a surgical candidate. That is why he has been on chronic pain medication for so long. They won't do surgery. He gets steroid injections every few months, which only provide him with marginal temporary relief. His pain medication dosage has not changed in several years and he only uses it very sparingly as needed (I know this because I see how many pills are in the bottle). What is supposed to be a one-month supply typically lasts him more than two months. I won't get into everything here, but the anxiolytic has absolutely no relation to pain management and was prescribed by his primary care for entirely different reasons.

I do appreciate all of the feedback and suggestions, but I do work in healthcare and have extensive knowledge as to how medications work, etc. Again, when these problems started, the only change was that he started working from home. There were no medication changes, no other life changes, and no new stressors in his life.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

jmw2000 said:


> His primary care is already involved. He is not a surgical candidate. That is why he has been on chronic pain medication for so long. They won't do surgery. He gets steroid injections every few months, which only provide him with marginal temporary relief. His medication dosage has not changed in several years and he only uses it very sparingly as needed (I know this because I see how many pills are in the bottle). What is supposed to be a one-month supply typically lasts him more than two months. I won't get into everything here, but the anxiolytic has absolutely no relation to pain management and was prescribed by his primary care for entirely different reasons.


Great news. Except not being a surgical candidate. For today anyway.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jmw2000 said:


> Yes, my husband is in pain management and is on a prescribed low-dose opiate; however, he has been on this for the past 7-8 years due to his spinal canal stenosis and his lack of attention to hygiene only started when he began working strictly from home in November/December of this past year. It was never an issue before that. He would always shower every single morning before he left for work and it was never an issue. He was always very attentive to his hygiene and would use body sprays, wear cologne, and actually used to always smell very nice. This problem only started when he began working from home, so it's not really fair to blame the pain medication that he has been taking for nearly the past decade. Also, he does NOT have problems getting in and out of the shower. His mobility is not great, but it's nowhere near that bad. Plus, we also have a walk-in shower stall in one of our bathrooms that he uses. This isn't an issue of him having difficulty getting in and out of the shower or having poor balance. He is more than capable in that regard.
> 
> I am fully aware of what his diet should be. I am actually a certified personal trainer and sports nutritionist. He does eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, but he also eats a lot of junk and simple carbs and refined sugars. He hides junk food in his office. I found a whole package of Oreos in there the other day and one time he had a full cake. I cannot say anything to him about this because he just automatically goes on the defense and will say something like, "Just leave me alone."
> 
> And to the ones who told me to move out and get an apartment, that is not happening. I own this house (only my name is on the mortgage), I work from home, and I also breed and show Golden Retrievers and have 5 of them, so getting an apartment is not even a remote option. Plus, I do not WANT to move.


Is he working from home due to covid? Will he be going back to work?
Does he know the cause of the urine leaking?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rowan said:


> Maybe it's time to get his primary care doctor involved. Make a call or send an email and let his doctor know what's going on. Will your husband go to an appointment if one is scheduled?


I was also going to suggest this. It sounds like you're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I'm really sorry that you're in this situation.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your husband has clearly indicated he doesn't want to discuss or deal with his issues. Can you brainstorm with his healthcare providers as to any avenues you can pursue to at least get him to listen to your concerns?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jmw2000 said:


> His primary care is already involved. He is not a surgical candidate. That is why he has been on chronic pain medication for so long. They won't do surgery. He gets steroid injections every few months, which only provide him with marginal temporary relief. His pain medication dosage has not changed in several years and he only uses it very sparingly as needed (I know this because I see how many pills are in the bottle). What is supposed to be a one-month supply typically lasts him more than two months. I won't get into everything here, but the anxiolytic has absolutely no relation to pain management and was prescribed by his primary care for entirely different reasons.
> 
> I do appreciate all of the feedback and suggestions, but I do work in healthcare and have extensive knowledge as to how medications work, etc. Again, when these problems started, the only change was that he started working from home. There were no medication changes, no other life changes, and no new stressors in his life.


Like me, he's just so relieved to not have to spend energy doing all that every day. You wind down when you get older and unhealthy. I have days I can't even imagine washing my hair. Too weak and tired a lot of times. My mother wasn't able to get in the tub probably the last 10 years of her life. She got her hair done once a week (old lady helmet hair you know) and did sink baths. It happens. It may not be depression. It may be frailty.


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## jmw2000 (Jul 6, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Is he working from home due to covid? Will he be going back to work?
> Does he know the cause of the urine leaking?


He is working from home permanently. Everyone in his office is. I do not know the cause of his leaking, but he was run over by a fire truck as a young child and had urethral damage from this and had to undergo repair, so that could be a factor. I really have no idea. He has never discussed it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Like me, he's just so relieved to not have to spend energy doing all that every day. You wind down when you get older and unhealthy. I have days I can't even imagine washing my hair. Too weak and tired a lot of times. My mother wasn't able to get in the tub probably the last 10 years of her life. She got her hair done once a week (old lady helmet hair you know) and did sink baths. It happens. It may not be depression. It may be frailty.


Perhaps you missed that he’s only 51.


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## jmw2000 (Jul 6, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Perhaps you missed that he’s only 51.


Exactly. He just turned 51 last month. We are not talking about a frail, elderly man here. He is far from frail and is far from the age where he should be "winding down." He is only middle-aged and should still have many active years ahead of him. My father recently turned 80, exercises daily, and can run circles around my husband.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Are you having sex?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> Perhaps you missed that he’s only 51.


Nope. He has all kinds of health issues.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Nope. He has all kinds of health issues.


OP has also stated he is perfectly capable of showering and attending to his hygiene. She said he has no mobility or other issues that are (or have ever been) significant enough to prevent him from showering.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> OP has also stated he is perfectly capable of showering and attending to his hygiene. She said he has no mobility or other issues that are (or have ever been) significant enough to prevent him from showering.


I think you need to read it again. She says he's had spinal issues for several years that he's on the pain management for that is getting worse and worse. He has lots of things wrong with him dragging him down. They need to make some accommodations so things are easier for him.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Be the bigger person.


A rather tall order, given her description of him.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think you need to read it again. She says he's had spinal issues for several years that he's on the pain management for that is getting worse and worse. He has lots of things wrong with him dragging him down. They need to make some accommodations so things are easier for him.


“Yes, my husband is in pain management and is on a prescribed low-dose opiate; however, he has been on this for the past 7-8 years due to his spinal canal stenosis and his lack of attention to hygiene only started when he began working strictly from home in November/December of this past year. It was never an issue before that. He would always shower every single morning before he left for work and it was never an issue. He was always very attentive to his hygiene and would use body sprays, wear cologne, and actually used to always smell very nice. *This problem only started when he began working from home, so it's not really fair to blame the pain medication that he has been taking for nearly the past decade. Also, he does NOT have problems getting in and out of the shower. His mobility is not great, but it's nowhere near that bad. Plus, we also have a walk-in shower stall in one of our bathrooms that he uses. This isn't an issue of him having difficulty getting in and out of the shower or having poor balance. He is more than capable in that regard.”*


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's getting worse and getting older. He's degenerating. It was probably such a relief to him to not have to do all that every day. You're talking to an old person here who knows what degenerating is like and how hard things get. This isn't a healthy man.


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## jmw2000 (Jul 6, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> According to OP, this only started this past winter when he started working from home full time, until then he took care of his hygiene. And his health hasn’t deteriorated significantly in that time.
> 
> Stop projecting your issues on this case. It does not align with what OP is saying. You’re not being helpful.


Thank you!!! I know that people are trying to be helpful, but it seems like a lot of them aren't really understanding what I'm saying. No, he has not had any significant changes to his physical health since he started working from home 7 or 8 months ago. Everything has been pretty status quo in that regard and nothing has really changed, with the exception of receiving a couple of steroid injections in his back this past spring, but that's it. Yes, he does have several health issues and he has been dealing with chronic back pain for a number of years, but nothing that is so debilitating or handicapping that he can't function and carry out normal daily activities. He excels in his job and he actually gets up early almost every Saturday morning during the spring and summer to go to yard sales with one of our good friends (I don't go because I'm not an early morning person). He has *absolutely no physical limitations when it comes to showering. *He can easily get in and out of the shower and wash himself. He actually just bought himself a new bottle of body wash the other day. It's not like he is some 400 lb guy who can hardly move and needs assistance with bathing. I feel like everyone who has been posting has an image of him the likes of someone you would see on that TV show "My 600 Pound Life." That is not him! Yes, he is a good bit overweight, but he is currently 6'1 and about 265-270 lbs.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jmw2000 said:


> His primary care is already involved. He is not a surgical candidate. That is why he has been on chronic pain medication for so long. They won't do surgery. He gets steroid injections every few months, which only provide him with marginal temporary relief. His pain medication dosage has not changed in several years and he only uses it very sparingly as needed (I know this because I see how many pills are in the bottle). What is supposed to be a one-month supply typically lasts him more than two months. I won't get into everything here, but the anxiolytic has absolutely no relation to pain management and was prescribed by his primary care for entirely different reasons.
> 
> I do appreciate all of the feedback and suggestions, but I do work in healthcare and have extensive knowledge as to how medications work, etc. Again, when these problems started, the only change was that he started working from home. There were no medication changes, no other life changes, and no new stressors in his life.


In relationship to working from home, it may be a reasonable guess that depression/mental illness is the culprit for his diminished hygiene routines. That's the only change that you can identify and does impact people differently. I'll hazard a guess that it may relate to feeling worthless; not worthy of taking care of himself, and going down that path of guessing, likely not worthy of your love and so pushes your care away. Perhaps part of his identity and self-worth was wrapped into the routine of physically attending the workplace.

Does he go out of the house at all? And if so, does he still ignore basic hygiene before going out? If he used to be showered etc to commute to the office, I wonder if you could suggest going out for coffee (or whatever) in the mornings before work - to encourage that he get ready properly and establish more of a typical 'routine' that breaks the morning from getting up to then working-from-home. Of course, if one is depressed (or similar) this may be the last thing they want to do. As you will know, someone can't be 'snapped' out of depression (if that is the case). It does sound like medical intervention of some kind may be needed. However, it would be a step that he needs to personally take (and can be another catch-22). In saying all of that, for YOU - I also agree with the suggestion by @sokillme.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It seems like the transition from office to home is certainly to blame… I do know that I struggled a bit when I had my first child, I was a career woman and a workaholic most of my life. Honestly I did slip into some poor grooming, I was a bit down - why bother, who’s going to see me? 

I do know a few older people too that forgoe the hygiene a little bit once they retire, but not to this extreme - though then again I don’t live with them, they may do the just minimal when I visit? One neighbour was immaculate all her life, I haven’t seen her wear makeup or bother to change clothes regularly in 10 years & she’s getting worse.

Again, very difficult for you, I don’t cope well with bad smells.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Trident said:


> A rather tall order, given her description of him.


I do agree.

Yet...

By moving out, she rids herself of that constant and direct contact, but not the indirect and occasional care she could provide.

Totally abandoning him, divorcing; leaving him to his own deadly chaos, would certainly 'work', but would not serve the same bigger purpose.

My suggested purpose would be to help from afar, as a visitor looking in on his welfare.

Maybe sending in a weekly cleanup crew.

Ooh, sorry for those cleaning folks...

Finding such maids would be expensive, maybe impossible.

SERVPRO comes to mind!

If he is a veteran, you might find additional help for him.

This sort of thing happens more than you think.

Catastrophic illnesses do cripple people in their thinking and life choices.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BTW, I do know a man like this. He was not married and luckily managed to get into a limited care living facility.
The government pays for his care. 

He does have a caring family....lucky for him..


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m wondering if the urine at night could be related to his spinal stenosis, or spine issue? In rare cases isn’t there a spinal condition that can result in loss of bladder control?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> According to OP, this only started this past winter when he started working from home full time, until then he took care of his hygiene. And his health hasn’t deteriorated significantly in that time.
> 
> Stop projecting your issues on this case. It does not align with what OP is saying. You’re not being helpful.


You're the one who's not being helpful. Your whole goal seems to be wanting to indict the man for having problems.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jmw2000 said:


> Thank you!!! I know that people are trying to be helpful, but it seems like a lot of them aren't really understanding what I'm saying. No, he has not had any significant changes to his physical health since he started working from home 7 or 8 months ago. Everything has been pretty status quo in that regard and nothing has really changed, with the exception of receiving a couple of steroid injections in his back this past spring, but that's it. Yes, he does have several health issues and he has been dealing with chronic back pain for a number of years, but nothing that is so debilitating or handicapping that he can't function and carry out normal daily activities. He excels in his job and he actually gets up early almost every Saturday morning during the spring and summer to go to yard sales with one of our good friends (I don't go because I'm not an early morning person). He has *absolutely no physical limitations when it comes to showering. *He can easily get in and out of the shower and wash himself. He actually just bought himself a new bottle of body wash the other day. It's not like he is some 400 lb guy who can hardly move and needs assistance with bathing. I feel like everyone who has been posting has an image of him the likes of someone you would see on that TV show "My 600 Pound Life." That is not him! Yes, he is a good bit overweight, but he is currently 6'1 and about 265-270 lbs.


OP,
Seems to be that you've completely changed your tune from your first post:
"He is obese, is a type 2 diabetic, and has coronary artery disease. He underwent double bypass open-heart surgery back in 2015 and he had a heart attack a year ago.
He is also in pain management for chronic spinal issues that he has been dealing with for several years. He has had health issues for many years and they seem to only be getting worse. He has spent a great deal of time in and out of the hospital over the years for various reasons. Despite all this, he still continues to smoke cigarettes (I am not a smoker) and he really has no desire to quit and outright refuses to exercise in any way, shape, or form. He also has been suffering from severe urinary incontinence for quite a few years, but that is something he refuses to even talk about. He even wets the bed."

I think you're in denial about how bad a shape he's in and how he's struggling. Gee I wonder why he's not exercising. He only has diabetes, severe heart problems, incontinence and chronic back problems. He should definitely put on his track shoes and a diaper and go for a fun run.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Taxman said:


> JMW I was in your husband's shoes for about 20 years. Massively overweight, diabetic, back pain, knee pain, and most importantly, severely clinically depressed. The cluster of complaints could have easily ended my marriage. Instead, they combined with my weight and my smoking to add up to a minor heart attack at age 40, and a massive heart attack at age 45. I got a cardiologist. I got an endocrinologist and I got a great psychiatrist. Over the course of the next 20 years, we got rid of the problems that haunted me. I lost the weight (330 lbs to 165 lbs). I got the diabetes under control. And most importantly, I got the crap out of my head that was causing the depression. Your first posting triggered a memory of when my depression was at its worst, I too gave up on personal grooming. Imagine a person north of 300 pounds not bothering to shave or shower for weeks. Not pretty. I now consider that as a primary symptom of mental illness.


You are an interesting and thoughtful dude.
I agree there’s some mental illness here.
I also agree with Lifestooshort that he needs a wakeup call so he will get some help.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

jmw2000 said:


> REDACTED


Wow... dis thread LIT. 

Go ask a doctor then lady. Nobody can do anything here but guess, can they? I guess early onset dementia. What.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jmw2000 said:


> REDACTED


No. Tell me where in any post after you said he can get out of the tub I ever even mentioned showering again. I was trying to be helpful. If someone tells you their husband isn't bathing it's a pretty logical step to go to bathing problems, especially with the plethora of problems he has with his health.

And I certainly am not among those who said he was a 600-lb obese person. You used the word obese and so I used it back in the same context. You back peddled.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

jmw2000 said:


> he is currently 6'1 and about 265-270 lbs


I was also a bit stunned by this. He has a better BMI than I do. 
I'm Diabetic with the usual male syndrome (diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, low testosterone)
I can take care of my self, but have some difficulty reaching my toes. I'm seriously contemplating finding a good pedicure. 
I can walk 2 miles in the morning if I take care of my feet. 
I don't have pain issues. To me that's the big difference. 
I like being clean enough that I don't see not showering as a response to depression for me. 
I guess I wrote this to contrast it to your husband. I'm close to his age.
As far as advice, I've seen this kind of thing in men. I haven't seen a turn around. He need to be interested in something. He needs a reason to look forward. I guess yard sales aren't doing it. To me that's a weird choice.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You used the word obese


Until he gets his weight down to 227 he will be classed Obese.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think you're in denial about how bad a shape he's in and how he's struggling. Gee I wonder why he's not exercising. He only has diabetes, severe heart problems, incontinence and chronic back problems.


But even if you were correct, that still wouldn't explain why he's angrily refusing to brush his teeth or shower. Essentially, this is a guy giving up on himself and saying "FU" to the rest of the world.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

OP, what you have is a classic problem that has plagued married couples since the dawn of time. What do you do when your spouse has changed in ways that would be a deal breaker for you when you married? There's never a good answer to this. 

He doesn't respect your opinion and at this point, he may be doing this just to spite you. Is there anyone else in his life that he respects that could get involved? Invite his best friend, boss or even his mother to the house to see the way he lives. That might snap him back to reality.

Other than that, really your only choices are: 


Marriage counseling (although sounds like he wouldn't go)
Keep nagging him (which hasn't worked in the past, so no reason to believe it will in the future)
Stop nagging him and let him continue on this path (which will likely end in premature death) 
Become friendly with another man to make him feel like he now has competition (but sounds like he wouldn't care) 
Threaten to file for divorce
File for divorce


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

so the guy is laying in his own urine and not taking a bath. Consider committing him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You married him to have a husband, not a patient.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m wondering if the urine at night could be related to his spinal stenosis, or spine issue? In rare cases isn’t there a spinal condition that can result in loss of bladder control?


Um, maybe...

It depends!

They make adult _Depends_ for this problem.

OP can drop off a box of them for him, hopefully he will use them.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> You married him to have a husband, not a patient.


In sickness and in health...

Yes, there are limits...

God save you.... if you get a stroke and cannot wipe yourself...


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

jmw2000 said:


> I'm lucky if he showers more than once per week.


I got this far and threw up in my mouth. Gross.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> In sickness and in health...
> 
> Yes, there are limits...
> 
> God save you.... if you get a stroke and cannot wipe yourself...


The difference is when someone is trying to take care of themselves and improve their condition vs doing nothing and allowing themselves to deteriorate day by.

Yes any of us could have a stroke and be able to wipe our own arse for a period of time. 

However with effort and therapy and taking responsibility for one’s own functionality, That stroke victim can regain much mobility and functionality in time. 

The person who just sits there eating donuts and ice cream doing nothing to improve themselves continues to deteriorate. 

He is 51 and is otherwise functional. He CAN take care of himself and improve his vigor and vitality. He can brush his teeth. 

Even a stroke victim with complete hemiparalysis can brush their teeth with their other hand.


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