# This is eating me up inside



## a stupid man (Nov 15, 2010)

OK, I've not posted before, but I can't stop perseverating about this. It's probably going to be a little long, sorry.

My wife and I have been married more than 25 years and in that time, I have twice hurt her by looking at pornography (most recently about a year ago) and making her feel like she is not the only woman for me and making her not believe it when I compliment her on her looks, body, and all. Although during our marriage, I have never even flirted with another woman, and my wife has been my only sexual partner, she has told me that the pornography is tantamount to infidelity.

About two months ago, she told me she went to a conference in another city with co-workers. The day after she came back, we were at a store and she bought a couple of cards that she would not let me see, saying they were for a friend who had helped her with some recent projects. This was unusual, so I later got a look at them and they were not the kind of cards that one would get a friend, they were more romantic, and also not the kind of cards she would typically get me.

I asked her about the cards, clearly asking if there was "someone else" that she was involved with. She said no, and told me that the cards were for me, that they were supposed to be a surprise.

This sort of bugged me under the surface for a while, until a couple of weeks later, I had a look at her phone, where she has an email account with a group of people she works and has some social activities with. I know this was an invasion of her privacy. I was in the early stages of being consumed with suspicions. I found a number of emails both to and from a male friend (who she has admitted being close to), saying things like I can't wait t be with you, hold you, touch you, kiss you, mostly in that vein. One where he implied that they had been "intimate" about 5 months earlier.

I confronted her about this immediately and she was angry, saying that she and this man had set this entire thing up to see if I would spy on her. She repeatedly denied that there is anything going on with him romantically. She claimed that I was acting suspicious of her a lot (I don't think I was, but, maybe, in her eyes...?). And that was why she set it up.

Well, I have not had a good day since. I told her I would leave her phone alone (she wanted me to "show I trusted her"), and I have. I have found a few other suspicious things, most definite was a card from this guy, thanking her for going to an event with him on the same weekend she told me she was with co-workers at a conference, as well as a note that she wrote, but never gave him, or maybe just showed him, telling him she was looking forward to the same event with him. She said they didn't go anywhere together and offered to give me the phone numbers of the co-workers she went with "to ask them".

For awhile, we fought about this pretty much every other day, usually because I was so freaked out and depressed about the situation that I couldn't keep it in, and there are just not enough people I can trust to talk with about this, so I would harangue her about it.

She summarizes our situation as "complicated", but she says she has no intention of leaving me for this guy (or anyone else) unless I keep not trusting her and checking up on her. I told her I have contemplated talking to the other man about this, but she became very defensive of him, saying he had done nothing wrong and that I would "mess up his life" (he is married with kids).

In terms of our life together now, it has the air of people trying to work things out. She is quite receptive to me in all the appropriate ways (tells me where she is going, when she is comng back, she is affectionate and playful and our intimacy has not waned). We have a number of future plans to take trips and do things together which we are both seemingly excited about.

I am trying to take care of myself with therapy, anti-depressants (prescribed), exercise, and work. But I can count on at least a couple of crying jags a week. I can't get the worst out of my head.

That's a lot to post. Try not to kick my bVtt or hers to much, but what do you think is going on?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Heres my two cents, first invading her privacy is opening the bath room door while shes on the toilet, what you did, was invade her secrecy. So don't feel bad that you are trying to protect our relationship.

I think she is having an affair, the evidence is pointing that way. 

In my case, I cathered enough evidence so there was no denying my suspicions and my wife had no option but to come clean and expose the proplems and then move t,o fixing the problems. right now your wife sees no reason to address something that " is not accuring", so there, everthing stays the same and there is no resolve.

You are in limbo with the facts ,on not knowing for sure, so to move on you need confirmation one way or another.

After 19 years of marriage, my intuition was right on and it was a matter of hard solid proof to bring out the affair and repairing the marraige. 

Good luck, knowledge is power.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Dont be naive. No one sets up that kind of evidence to "test your trust". Would you set up a situation intentionally that would incriminate you and look really bad where you had no way to prove your innocense when there is only other questionable evidence to make you look worse ......... all to "test" her???? Of course you wouldn't. 

That's the best explanation she could come up with on short notice. It's hard, but yes she is being in appropriate. How bad is it? That's the million dollar question - 

But seriously, a wife action in this way is not appropriate regardless. You know why spouses don't trust and get anxious and suspect the other partner? Because 99% of the time that partner is acting in a questionable way, and being dishonest, and doing strange things. People generally don't just get suspicous and untrusting because there spouse is home talking to them and acting appropriatly. Think about that.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I think she reached a breaking point with her need for attention she could be certain about. We women are over-analyzers by nature so she likely built up the belief that your porn scoping had something to do with your lack of attraction to her leaving her feeling uncertain about her sex appeal. Desperate for attention that she wouldn't have to doubt she sought it from this guy at work. Im not saying that porn was the reason for the straying but somewhere down the line she stopped trusting & believing in your attraction & happiness with her. Clearly you love each other since you're both playing cat & mouse. Wipe the BS factor clean and start focusing on BOTH of you being dedicated to your partnership and rekindle the depths of your bond. The problem is that its going to take a huge heaping spoonful of forgiveness - you both went down some crappy routes and messed up the bond but if you both confess that you still have the same pure love then it's worth continuing on with life while seeking happiness. 
My husband & I went down the same path and to be quite honest with you - both of us hitting emotional rock bottom catapulted us both to a level of love & appreciation that was greater than before because sometimes you don't know what you have until you see the other side & have to try to get back "home" again....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Trust-but verify. If she is trotting out privacy issues and begging you to trust her, she certainly has something to hide. Get keylogger software and keep an eye on all of her forms of communication.


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