# Married nearly 20 years, not ready to end it



## cdjy1234 (Jul 30, 2021)

Good afternoon! I'm new here and, like most, probably came here because my marriage isn't in the best of shape right now. Anyways, I want to start by saying, I'm not ready to give up on my marriage, but I think that my husband is. He has "lost all hope" that it can ever get better due to the many, many times we've had the same conversation/argument, things get better for a little bit, and then go straight back to the way they were. We've been on that merry-go-round for like 10 years now. I'm looking for any advice or just people who are going through similar situations.

I think there are a lot of things that make us happy in our marriage right now. We are generally on the same page with finances, kids, and basic life philosophy. We have three kids - ages 10, 12 and 14. They are all pretty cool kids and we don't have major challenges with them. We live in a nice home, surrounded by family, and for the most part we have enough money to get by, but are not rich by any means. Although we bicker and get moody with each other, we mostly get along and talk often (though sometimes it feels like a lot of mundane life stuff like bills, schedules, what to make for dinner, etc.)

But we have problems that just won't go away and recently my husband told me he isn't happy and hasn't been for a long time. There are things that make him happy about me and he does love me but he feels a lack of real connection with me sexually and does not think that I love or desire him. He says that he is sure I'm unhappy and just will not admit it to myself. 

We have had a rocky road over the years. He has often been caught looking for attention from other women (mostly online) and I would say he has a pornography addiction of sorts. He spends many nights looking at porn on his phone, masturbating and chatting with others online about sex. But it has been 16 years of that and I'm honestly kind of used to it. I used to but now do not even give him a hard time about it or try to check up on his phone. I just try to understand that this is what interests him and trust that he is not cheating on me physically or emotionally with anyone. He just really likes sex. He has a very high sex drive. He also has a real interest in me going out and sleeping with other people but says he has no desire to do that himself.

If you ask him what our problems are, he will say we don't have an exciting sex life and we do not have sex enough. He believes that a more exciting sex life will lead to the emotional connection with each other that he craves. He believes that I am unattracted to him (though I think I spend a good amount of time trying to reassure him otherwise.) For reference, we have sex probably once a week but a lot of times it is just a blow job in the morning time. (TMI?) He feels that I treat it like a burden or feel like it's a job. I don't feel that way and just want to make him happy that way.

But now we are at a point where he is sick of feeling like I don't want to have sex. He has this feeling like this is all we can have and he'll never get to experience all the other things he wants to try. When I initiate sex or make an effort he thinks it is forced. He is now actively avoiding any possible sexual contact with me so that I cannot even try. He will come to bed at 2am once he knows I'm asleep and get up before me. He'll pull away if I try to touch him. He is checked out completely.


So if I'm going to fix this situation, I am going to need to do it with an unwilling partner at this point. And after 20 years, I can assure you he is not going to a counselor and has no desire to just stop looking at porn or chatting. And I've really just accepted that that is a part of who he is and it really doesn't have much to do with me or my faults. So it's not a huge stress on us anymore as it has been in the past. Looking for advice on how to even attempt to mend things when any sort of affection or attempt at communicating about it is avoided or actively shoved off.

If you are still with me, I think it is important that I tell you that I really love him and think he's a great guy, like I genuinely want to grow old with this man. I think marriage is hard. It hits rocky times and we need to forgive each other for not being perfect. I am OVER the things that have happened in the past. I do enjoy sex and I do want to try to have a better relationship and when we do try, I see that it can be so much better and we CAN be happy. For some reason, we just keep reverting back to our problematic ways though. This last time around, he said he is unhappy and doesn't think it can change. He thinks we are just different sexually and it is what it is. We did have sex for 4 days in a row, we went out on a date night, we were both feeling better, and then we got some bad news on the financial front and both of us just shut down again. We took a family vacation where intimacy was quite difficult and now back for a week and utterly miserable with each other again with zero sexual contact. No fighting. Just going through the motions of the day - whats for dinner, who needs to take the kids where, etc.

Divorce just isn't an option for me. I mean, I may not get the choice here, but I just don't believe in it. I think we owe our children to raise them in a two parent home and not upend their lives. We also have a weird situation where we bought his parents house from them at a reduced price. I make the money in our relationship and therefore the only one who could cover the mortgage here but it is his childhood home and the equity in this place was given to him early as part of what would be his inheritance someday. We are literally surrounded by his family as well as neighbors. So neither of us can really leave this home without major complications. My kids would stay in this home and neither of us are willing to be the parent that doesn't live with their kids. For those reasons alone, divorce is just not an option at this time. 

Any tips or insights are welcome.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Unfortunately your situation will not get better until your husband deals with the porn/sex addiction. He is so used to the fakeness of porn that regular sex does nothing for him. It's also probably why he fantasizes about you with other men. He's so used to viewing sex that way, so why not viewing you that way too. And talking to other women about sex? That needs to stop as well, even if you've convinced yourself you don't mind it because it's contributing to the problems.

If he refuses counseling for the marriage/communication issues and/or the addiction issues, then there is nothing you can do really. Improving the marriage takes two people, ending or ruining it only takes one.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sex once a week and some of those being a BJ is not enough to keep a HD man interested. Especially if he is hooked on porn. And talking to people online, about sex, very bad idea. Depending on the conversations that is cheating to me. These things seems to have been going on for a very long time so they aren't going to be fixed quickly, if they can be fixed at all. I am not anti porn, but when it affects your sex life negatively it is a problem. He needs to go cold turkey for at least a few months and the two of you need some counseling. It sounds like it will be hard to get him to agree to any of that though. In the end he has to be willing to change himself and you need to change yourself.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Your husband is being childish. How on earth can he expect you to live up to scripted, fake porn scenarios. He will never be satisfied with you while he compares and contrasts his life vs what he sees online. Just as you would be unhappy comparing your emotional connection with your husband to connections of a romance novel.

If he wants to connect with you then he needs to engage less with outside distractions and more with you. Maybe suggest going to bed together two nights a week and build up from there?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

cdjy1234 said:


> He also has a real interest in me going out and sleeping with other people but says he has no desire to do that himself.
> 
> If you ask him what our problems are, he will say we don't have an exciting sex life and we do not have sex enough. He believes that a more exciting sex life will lead to the emotional connection with each other that he craves.


What I hear you saying is your husband thinks pimping you out will lead to the excitement he craves, which in turn will lead to an "emotional connection."

I call bs on loverboy's idea of what connection is all about. He's into porn. He wants hot kinky sex. My take on it is he's trying to manipulate you into thinking there's something in it for you to screw other men. Nope. This is all about your husband's view on what he wants. Selfish.

You've tolerated it for this long. Why, I don't know. Doesn't sound like he's going to change. And it sounds like he's already got one foot out the door. You may want to save the marriage, but he doesn't. I don't see this having a happy ending. Sorry.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

His sexual focus is on other women and not you. He has been mentally cheating for many years and until that stops nothing will get better.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Porn is skewing your husband’s view of what he thinks he wants and of how you feel about him. He thinks it would be exciting to see you having sex but it would probably crush him in real life. He’s reading your initiation as lacking because the woman in the videos are over the top enthusiastic, which is completely fake. 

For your marriage to thrive, he needs to cut the porn.


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## cdjy1234 (Jul 30, 2021)

Thank you all for the replies. Of course it wasn't completely what I wanted to hear because I literally cannot leave and neither can he. I have so much good in my life that I can't give all of that away and go off to be alone. I'd miss my children terribly if I didn't see them every day! Most of the people I'm close to in life are his relatives. I have no desire to like find someone else that might be more suited for me sexually (I could not do this all again. I'm drained.) so I really think I'd just get divorced and then die alone in an apartment full of regrets. All of my divorced friends and family are literally miserable and their kids sometimes are a mess too. At least this way, I have 80% of the life I want and my kids are happy so that is actually more important to me than anything else.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I agree with the others....his porn addiction is your problem. 16 years? I'm shocked you allowed it to continue for that long. And I'm also surprised it still satisfies him after that many years. He needs professional help, but I highly doubt he will agree since the porn isn't a problem for him.

I'm not saying do it, but I wonder what his reaction would be if you starting watching porn?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I think he’s so immature, just look at the amount of people we get on here posting about their online lives and their chatting to other guys/chicks and their misery with their spouses.

It sounds like you’ve accepted this a long time ago, and divorce is not an option. You’re married to a person who is a lost case, lost in the online world who has no idea what to do with a real women, fleshy and warm and full of life. And he’s complaining about a woman who actually does have sex with him and she has tried everything, sheesh. Slap yourself on the forehead and laugh (at him! Because he is silly). You know what they say, ‘Don’t race with racehorses and don’t argue with fools’, or something to that effect.

So let the nerd hide behind his screen, and grab life by the horns!

Whatever that means for you! Treat each day as a gift, and no don’t ever say you’re going to die in an apartment alone! Because of him!?! Why can’t he die in an apartment alone with his phone and laptop or whatever - that’s the path he’s on, not you!!

It sounds like you have friends and family and desires - feed them! Don’t lower your standards and stoop down to his level. See your friends, family, go out with your kids, and stop discussing this with him ever. Change the subject every time he talks about his ever-empty cup. Have sex on your terms, he’s not even the type to go getting it elsewhere, enjoy yourself however you can. You’re not good enough in his eyes, but start to see yourself through another man’s eyes, your kids eyes, your own eyes.

Never ever envisage yourself in an apartment alone miserable. That’s not going to be you anymore!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

cdjy1234 said:


> I really think I'd just get divorced and then die alone in an apartment full of regrets. All of my divorced friends and family are literally miserable


So stay with your husband and suck it up. Enjoy the 80% you think is great and ignore the 20% that sucks. 

And I hate to burst your bubble - as well as your miserable friends' misguided beliefs - but there are PLENTY of folks who post here regularly who are divorced and have great lives. In fact, many of them have found partners with whom they share a fulfilling life.

People don't crawl under some rock to die alone when they divorce. And what makes you think you wouldn't get primary custody of the kids? Never mind ... you aren't going to leave your husband. That's fine. But you'll have to learn to accept him as he his because he has no intention of changing after this long.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I am going to provide a different perspective than the other posters...

You said your husband is high drive, yet you only had sex ONCE every week, and sometimes that was only oral on him? Why, was that his preference or yours?

Because what I hear going on with your husband's feelings is a loss of TRUST in you. It sounds like he's doing what is called "the 180", when he has reached a desperate point in his relationship with you, and he's basically given up and completely withdraws.

It is basic human nature that if we do not get our needs met in our current situation/relationship, we WILL seek other sources for that, or leave (escape). That's what is happening with him now.

And I can tell you that if he had posted his version here of the basic story you wrote in your opening post, almost all the replies he would have received from members on this site would have advised him to leave YOU, that his sexual needs were valid, and that he was married to someone who didn't seem to care about him at all. He probably wouldn't have posted most of the stuff you did that makes him look poorly, but I don't think you've posted every detail about your role in this either.

It sounds like you've known for a long time that your husband isn't happy, and maybe you've resented having to indulge some of his basic wishes, and he's picked up on that and is tired of it and doesn't trust you to care about him anymore. I'm NOT judging you for this at all, but that doesn't change the fact that HE IS. And it's a slippery slope when this kind of resentment builds up and takes over in a person's mind.

In your posts, you don't leave alot of room for anyone to advise you - you can't separate, you can't go to counseling, you can't do anything that will change his feelings, he won't talk to you...there really isn't much else to suggest except living like roommates who are miserable for the rest of your lives.

Except that's RARELY what people are willing to do. Even if you can accept that kind of living arrangement, I don't believe HE will. Right now he feels like a man dying of thirst, stuck in a desert...and he views YOU as having the water he needs, but refusing to give it to him. If he finds someone else with that water, do you think he will spare you a backward glance before running off to have his thirst satisfied by her...?? You think he can't leave you...but people do it EVERY DAY.

I think your only hope is to rebuild that trust. Your opening post sounded like you were in "appeasement" mode, as though everything you were willing to do wasn't from your heart and your own natural desire and feelings for him, but from a place of appeasing him...and that could be why he is rejecting you now - no one really trusts appeasement and desperation, because it's not REAL. He want's a sexual PARTNER, not a sex doll.

I don't believe you are going to be able to navigate any of this without an objective 3rd party who is trained to assist people with these kinds of problems, like a sex therapist. If you truly cannot make that happen, you had better start reading books that will help you figure this out.

The last option is a dangerous nuclear option, but has worked for certain couples who are mature and have good communication -- you could open your marriage to other sex partners. That way he could get his sexual needs and desires met by other partners, and you wouldn't have to be the sexual person that YOU aren't comfortable being. If you ever want to consider that, we have several members on here who are in open marriages who could answer any questions you have about that.

I believe you are at a dangerous point in your marriage and relationship with your husband, and you have both ignored it for much too long...you should have been searching for solutions at least a year ago, because you may have missed your window of opportunity to turn things around for you both now, with him so untrusting and shut off to you. 

A forum really cannot help you, you NEED counseling, at least for yourself to help you communicate with him. 

Whatever you do, I wish you GOOD LUCK!!!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@LisaDiane

I just read one of your past posts on ‘meeting needs’ and how people should give freely and nobody should change to meet anyone’s needs. And your thread on your cheating sister and how she had to seek needs elsewhere and how you came down on her… and you’re saying something completely different now and I’m just rolling my eyes. You completely changed your views against everything for this lady… who’s wanting her to sleep with other man, and online sexting and doing porn etc? And she’s supposed to feel really pornographic and sexy for him?

Mind boggles all the time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Does your husband have a job?


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## cdjy1234 (Jul 30, 2021)

Well, I really appreciate that perspective @LisaDiane. It did make a lot of sense. I was truly coming here for advice on things I might try to do to help my situation and stay married. I may have dwelled on the porn situation a bit too much. It certainly has shaped where we are at right now over the years, as has my low sex drive. I should add that I'm not really a prude, we try new things and the sex we have, when we have it, is quite good! I think the heart of our problem is just being vulnerable and communicating with each other effectively about what we are needing and be willing to compromise on it.

I am sorry if I offended anyone by saying that my divorced friends are miserable. We live in a small town/area. Sure, people get divorced and go on to date or even remarry. They can be happy in their life, too. I was not saying that isn't possible. I am saying that the 8-10 examples that I have been close to where a family has separated - life just seems to be a struggle and full of conflict. Balancing the kids schedules and needs, being awkward at all of their school and sports events, separate vacations, trying to date from a very small pool of available people through dating websites or fix ups, and trying to find a man that would love my kids and be a family with me, etc....seems like a real long shot. 

Let me explain a little more. We live in a house that was my husband's childhood home. His parents live literally across the driveway from us and his father is handicapped. On this long driveway are both of my husband's sisters and their families. Our children are the same age as their children and have been brought up to be very close. This is a blessing. I cherish this situation and love his family as my own. So for him to move out - well, I wonder how that could even work with his entire support system being HERE. But me moving out. Well, to do what is right for my kids would mean they stay here and I go. And these people have become my support system over the years as well but I can't ignore the fact that I am not blood related to them. When push comes to shove, I think I'd lose them. So it's just that simple. I have to do what it takes to make the situation I'm in be the happiest it can be because this is my life and I've allowed it to get to a point that I should not have.

I think that I will try to just take the advice I received here and the things I have been reading about. Take a hard look at myself and my role in where we are at and then ask him to have a talk. I may seek some individual counseling as well. I think, at least, I should lay out for him that I believe he will need to put down his phone - chatting and porn and all of it- for a couple months and come to bed with me for a couple months to see if that helps us. That maybe we take the next 2 months to just completely focus on us and not the kids or the other things and see if we aren't better. And if we aren't - then yes, we need to think again about what is actually best for our future and our happiness.

Another thing that has developed over the years is that he tends to text message his feelings to me rather than talk in person. He is so caught up in online chatting that he literally communicates better by text message now about things that actually matter to him, and some of it is also that we don't want to have these conversations around the kids. So most of our working out our marriage is happening over text messages. It's ineffective. We aren't even comfortable talking straight up to each other about hard stuff. So I think that is one thing I'd like to try to change as well.

I appreciate everyone on this forum and taking the time to weigh in on this!


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## cdjy1234 (Jul 30, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Does your husband have a job?


Yes, he works full time in his own business. He had a setback with someone not paying him for his work a while back and had a long drawn out court case (which he ended up settling eventually). So financially, he's had some setbacks and a lot of the money he is able to make now goes to paying off past debt due to this situation. He's actually a very hard worker and good with money. It does bother him that he can't support himself or the kids and relies on my money to do that right now. 

I make good money and recently got a promotion that puts us in even better shape. I also carry all of our benefits through my work.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@cdjy1234,

I have a few thoughts but I’m on my phone and typing on this is not easy! I’ll try to be succinct!

One thought is to try 7 days of sex every day. Now don’t get me wrong… I do not actually think that sex is the issue here per se. I suspect his expectation is skewed due to porn and yet it is one of the ways that men connect! So I tried this technique and it was eye-opening: pick a week and agree to have sex “every day no matter what” and see what happens. I discovered two things: I come up with “reasons” inside my head why it’s not convenient or something… and we both connected a lot!! The reasons inside my head were just things like “Oh it’s late” or “I still have laundry to do”… and I realized those thoughts were excuses that I had to deal with! That by coming up with reasons I was essentially communicating that finishing laundry was more important than him! When someone gets the message that laundry is more important over a number of years… well eventually they don’t connect any more. So it was up to me to learn to hear that reason in my head and argue with it!!

The other thought is associating you=fun. Again, I’m not saying that you aren’t a fun person! But in the beginning of you relationship, one of the things your hubby loved about you is that his head associated you = fun! If you looked at it today, you may = dependable or you may = mom or you may = nice roommate, but the just plain JOY of you isn’t associated in his head. Maybe you=arguing or you=paying bills or you=relationship talks. None of those = FUN! So another way the two of you could connect is to regularly do fun things together. Now I don’t mean “dates” because that implies needing to be romantic and the pressure of sex or not sex… Nope this is just doing things together that you both like! For example Beloved Hubby and I both enjoy all sorts of adventures … we hike, we ride motorcycle, we ATV, we zip line, we play! It’s playing together that makes people laugh together that then creates you=fun! So don’t “date”… be his friend. Go to a tractor pull or a concert and laugh at what happens. Tell the legend of the time we tried X and failed epicly. 

Final word: I am not suggesting that your current situation is all you! Nope!!! In fact I do think it’s a good chunk his unrealistic expectations from porn. But these are two things you could do that might help improve your relationship and friendship.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

cdjy1234 said:


> Good afternoon! I'm new here and, like most, probably came here because my marriage isn't in the best of shape right now. Anyways, I want to start by saying, I'm not ready to give up on my marriage, but I think that my husband is. H*e has "lost all hope" that it can ever get better due to the many, many times we've had the same conversation/argument, things get better for a little bit, and then go straight back to the way they were. We've been on that merry-go-round for like 10 years now.* I'm looking for any advice or just people who are going through similar situations.
> 
> I think there are a lot of things that make us happy in our marriage right now. We are generally on the same page with finances, kids, and basic life philosophy. We have three kids - ages 10, 12 and 14. They are all pretty cool kids and we don't have major challenges with them. We live in a nice home, surrounded by family, and for the most part we have enough money to get by, but are not rich by any means. Although we bicker and get moody with each other, we mostly get along and talk often (though sometimes it feels like a lot of mundane life stuff like bills, schedules, what to make for dinner, etc.)
> 
> ...


From what I read:

You have been married 20 years and the porn/online stuff he started 16 years ago. He thinks he has a high drive, you think once a week of any type sexual contact ought to be fine. He thinks you have been giving him duty sex and has given up that anything will change. You don't want to divorce, mainly because of financial and family entanglements. You believe he already has a foot out of the door.

What was the catalyst 16 years ago for him to transfer from sex with a real live woman to an image on a screen/someone typing on a keyboard somewhere? Why has he stuck with the fake stuff all of this time? Have you actually done anything besides talking to him to convince him he can have more fun with you than looking at a screen and spanking the monkey?

If he has given up, you have been around this topic for years, what would it take for him to change his mind? Talking isn't going to change it, he has heard more than enough talk for years. I guess my only suggestion would be to ask him what it would take. for him to change his mind. Maybe you just don't want to love bomb him after all of these years, and if he is actively avoiding contact with you, guess would be tough to do that now.

This may sound very pedestrian, but what would happen if you bought the old "Joy of Sex" book and started reading and trying out all of the pages with one another one day at a time? Is he past participating with you in something like that? Maybe porn has pushed him so far past something like that. Sorry but after 16 years, it is going to be tough unless both of you want to restore.

Regarding him wanting you to find other men to be with, others think he is wanting to make you a "hot wife", which could be true. But, your husband reminds me of a friend who encouraged his wife to do the same because he wanted HER to fall for someone else and dissolve the marriage. She had ignored his needs for a decade but was clinging to the marriage "for the children". My friend didn't want to be the "bad guy" to friends and family. His strategy worked well and didn't take very long.


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## cdjy1234 (Jul 30, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> From what I read:
> 
> You have been married 20 years and the porn/online stuff he started 16 years ago. He thinks he has a high drive, you think once a week of any type sexual contact ought to be fine. He thinks you have been giving him duty sex and has given up that anything will change. You don't want to divorce, mainly because of financial and family entanglements. You believe he already has a foot out of the door.
> 
> ...


We talked at length this morning about our issues. He's admitted he has done a lot wrong over the years (I didn't even scratch the surface in my previous posts, I guess). He's admitted that there is just a hole there for us that he needs to fill for himself. We've admitted that we do love each other, agree that 80% of it is good between us, and that the children and our situation have probably kept us here over the past few years. Seems like we are at least on the same page with what is wrong and how we both are at fault for letting it get to this. He needs attention, finds it in chatting with other people without actually "physically" cheating, and I am resentful and therefore push him away and have a wall up between us when it comes to affection or showing love.

The problem though is that we have not figured out what to do about it. Neither of us feel like it's in a place where we can just "try". That was what we've been doing and it almost always fails because we are not addressing what is really wrong. It's not really about sex, or lack of. But about connection and being in love with each other. Is there just too much baggage at this point? Neither of us know where to even start in any way that doesn't feel contrived or forced. We've agreed to just take a breather for a little while. Since our options are so limited, we are just simply going to stay in the house but separate for a bit. Not try to discuss our relationship or force sex or say we are going to "work" on it. He'll sleep and shower downstairs, we'll both just do our own thing as best we can, and we are going to just think it through and then talk with clearer heads in a little while about what it can be in the future. 

Thank you all for giving me advice and weighing in on this. It is very appreciated.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

cdjy1234 said:


> We talked at length this morning about our issues. He's admitted he has done a lot wrong over the years (I didn't even scratch the surface in my previous posts, I guess). He's admitted that there is just a hole there for us that he needs to fill for himself. *We've admitted that we do love each other*, agree that 80% of it is good between us, and that the children and our situation have probably kept us here over the past few years. Seems like we are at least on the same page with what is wrong and how we both are at fault for letting it get to this. He needs attention, finds it in chatting with other people without actually "physically" cheating, and I am resentful and therefore push him away and have a wall up between us when it comes to affection or showing love.
> 
> The problem though is that we have not figured out what to do about it. Neither of us feel like it's in a place where we can just "try". That was what we've been doing and it almost always fails because we are not addressing what is really wrong. It's not really about sex, or lack of. *But about connection and being in love with each other. Is there just too much baggage at this point? *Neither of us know where to even start in any way that doesn't feel contrived or forced. We've agreed to just take a breather for a little while. Since our options are so limited, we are just simply going to stay in the house but separate for a bit. Not try to discuss our relationship or force sex or say we are going to "work" on it. He'll sleep and shower downstairs, we'll both just do our own thing as best we can, and we are going to just think it through and then talk with clearer heads in a little while about what it can be in the future.
> 
> Thank you all for giving me advice and weighing in on this. It is very appreciated.


So, you are *both* saying and concluding "I love you, but am not in love with you". Usually by the time one or the other reach this point in an intimate relationship it is just about beyond repair. When both are in agreement, IMHO it is over except for signing the paperwork. 

And, from what you say there is just too much baggage, you neither have a clue how to even begin repairing it. At least you are on the same page and it isn't one who wants to save a marriage the other has checked out of. Seems you have both been in process of checking out for many years, fixing blame is a waste of effort. 

It is a shame you both let it reach this point, and even more of a shame to have spent so many years miserable. We only get so many trips around the sun, it is sad to waste any of them miserable.

Hoping you both find happiness somehow.


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## aieslyn (Jul 9, 2017)

cdjy1234 said:


> Good afternoon! I'm new here and, like most, probably came here because my marriage isn't in the best of shape right now. Anyways, I want to start by saying, I'm not ready to give up on my marriage, but I think that my husband is. He has "lost all hope" that it can ever get better due to the many, many times we've had the same conversation/argument, things get better for a little bit, and then go straight back to the way they were. We've been on that merry-go-round for like 10 years now. I'm looking for any advice or just people who are going through similar situations.
> 
> I think there are a lot of things that make us happy in our marriage right now. We are generally on the same page with finances, kids, and basic life philosophy. We have three kids - ages 10, 12 and 14. They are all pretty cool kids and we don't have major challenges with them. We live in a nice home, surrounded by family, and for the most part we have enough money to get by, but are not rich by any means. Although we bicker and get moody with each other, we mostly get along and talk often (though sometimes it feels like a lot of mundane life stuff like bills, schedules, what to make for dinner, etc.)
> 
> ...


It does seem that sex is the most important thing for him in terms of feeling emotionally connected to you.

You say, you have sex once a week but it is usually a blow job? Perhaps try 3 times a week and try something different each time, make it spontaneous and unplanned - even just try putting your hands on his crotch at a random moment, very casually, while you are going about your regular day. This may help make the mundane a little less mundane...?


If you wish to reignite things in your marriage and avoid divorce than you may truly need to pay attention to the intimacy/sex part. Just as men need to often make an effort ronantically, it seems here that a sexual effort on your part might help?

You could even suggest watching porn together and be inspired by that? Or you could find out the kind of porn he watches and it might give you some insight into his sexial fantasies. You can then perhaps try one or two of the things/kinks he's into?

Otherwise, if you truly aren't wanting a divorce but you both completely struggle to find a middle ground sexually, and you think he may be swaying towards divorce regardless, than you could always choose to remain married but allow an open relationship - sexually speaking only. As long as he doesn't emotionally cheat on you and leave you for another woman and it's just sex for the sake of sex, with no follow up or through, would you feel threatened by this?

This way you can still keep your marriage and family together etc. He may even be open to experimenting together, if you were open to it?

It seems like he is checking out already, you can't stop him from heading towards divorce if his mind is set on it, and he thinks you're done sexually - this might ultimately be the kind of compromise you need to avoid divorce, especially if he has decided that sex with just you isn't enough for him anymore... I'm sorry to hit on the harsh truths with this advice. It's just, this is probably what I would feel forced to consider if I was in your position and felt as you do.

The ultimate question is, what is enough for you? Would you be happy to remain married for the sake of name, family, history and emotional connection/love but have separate sex lives or would this make you completely unhappy and dejected?

Just a few suggestions...


I wish you all the best and I am sorry for your heartache. I feel for you 🙏💛


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## cdjy1234 (Jul 30, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> So, you are *both* saying and concluding "I love you, but am not in love with you". Usually by the time one or the other reach this point in an intimate relationship it is just about beyond repair. When both are in agreement, IMHO it is over except for signing the paperwork.
> 
> And, from what you say there is just too much baggage, you neither have a clue how to even begin repairing it. At least you are on the same page and it isn't one who wants to save a marriage the other has checked out of. Seems you have both been in process of checking out for many years, fixing blame is a waste of effort.
> 
> ...


 No, I don't consider any of it a waste of time. We are best friends, and have 3 great children and a pretty decent life built here. I don't regret a second of it or for trying to work on it all those times. At least we know we gave it everything we had. Neither of us is angry with each other and like I've said, we've had an 80% great time at this thing called life. Now we embark on the second half of our lives and think maybe we can redefine that for ourselves in a way that makes us both happier sexually, emotionally, etc. Hard times ahead? Probably....but at least we are now both admitting that the status quo is just not going to cut it anymore.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

cdjy1234 said:


> We talked at length this morning about our issues. He's admitted he has done a lot wrong over the years (I didn't even scratch the surface in my previous posts, I guess). He's admitted that there is just a hole there for us that he needs to fill for himself. We've admitted that we do love each other, agree that 80% of it is good between us, and that the children and our situation have probably kept us here over the past few years. Seems like we are at least on the same page with what is wrong and how we both are at fault for letting it get to this. He needs attention, finds it in chatting with other people without actually "physically" cheating, and I am resentful and therefore push him away and have a wall up between us when it comes to affection or showing love.
> 
> The problem though is that we have not figured out what to do about it. Neither of us feel like it's in a place where we can just "try". That was what we've been doing and it almost always fails because we are not addressing what is really wrong. It's not really about sex, or lack of. But about connection and being in love with each other. Is there just too much baggage at this point? Neither of us know where to even start in any way that doesn't feel contrived or forced. We've agreed to just take a breather for a little while. Since our options are so limited, we are just simply going to stay in the house but separate for a bit. Not try to discuss our relationship or force sex or say we are going to "work" on it. He'll sleep and shower downstairs, we'll both just do our own thing as best we can, and we are going to just think it through and then talk with clearer heads in a little while about what it can be in the future.
> 
> Thank you all for giving me advice and weighing in on this. It is very appreciated.


You both need to find out what your love language is. I think his is physical intimacy..so it is very much about sex. If my wife was only intimate with me 1x week i would not be a happy camper. I would feel very unwanted or loved. In turn the resentment i would have would start me shutting down other interaction and communication with my wife as i would be trying to protect my feelings and limit the hurt i felt by her withholding intimacy. What if he only spoke to you once a week, how would you feel? Pretty damned uncared for i imagine.

I am one who feels bonded to my spouse with physical intimacy. This makes me feel close and safe to let my guard down and communicate with her. A BJ in place of PIV? Ehhh No! BJ does not give the feeling of connection that PIV sex does. It just says you cant be bothered so here is a quick fix now leave me alone your bothering me.

Another question....are you certain it was weekly? Years ago my wife was so caught up with everything else and physical intimacy was put on back burner. She would act like she was bothered when i would initiate and she would say we just had sex the other day! No it was actually 12 days ago. I felt totally unloved because physical intimacy is my love language and 3-4× month was not cutting it. I myself was starting to put myself in a position to exit the marriage.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> She would act like she was bothered when i would initiate and she would say we just had sex the other day! No it was actually 12 days ago. *I felt totally unloved because physical intimacy is my love language and 3-4× month was not cutting it. I myself was starting to put myself in a position to exit the marriage.*


Imagine if this had gone on for *16 years. *Most of either gender would never wait 16 weeks, would have been gone long before then. I guess OP's husband got on the porn bandwagon so coped in that way. He accepted an unacceptable situation. OP n husband let the dynamic continue on way too long. Now evidently neither of them cares enough to try solving the issue, too much water under the bridge.

I am a short timer on TAM, but read this stuff over and over and over. Why do people think their spouse will tolerate being treated this way? Why do some tolerate being treated that way? If person doesn't want to be intimate with the spouse why don't they file and go live the celibate life they crave?


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