# Ashamed



## roots123 (Mar 8, 2011)

So this is my story in as much of a nutshell as possible...
At 17 I met my husband, he was 19. We were married after being together 8 years. Some randoms facts...I was his 'first', my family very solid and strong, his very dysfunctional (siblings are addicts and estranged, mother financially and emotionally dependent)
I discovered a couple of weeks after our wedding day that my husband was having an affair, was on drugs and had gambled away a substantial amount of $. It devastated me. It shook my world upside down. We worked through it and remained together. I eventually started looking at the experience as something that I didn't cringe at when I thought about but I accepted as my own and almost valued the experience for I knew deep down I was forever changed. And I thought for the better but now I'm not so sure... 
Today my husband and I are married almost 5 years and about a year ago I embarked upon a very deceitful journey. 
Well around January of last year I met and began an affair with a married man.
Around the same time I developed a closer bond with a girlfriend and we started to regularly go out. I confided in her about the affair and I discovered that this girlfriend who is also married, was having an affair with a work colleague. 
Well her and I would go out and her 'friend' would join us whenever we would go out. I developed a friendship with him. 
I don't know why I turned down this ugly path. Boredom? I question myself constantly. 
Over the course of the year I continued to go out with my girlfriend, we danced, we drank, we dabbled in drugs at times. Her 'friend' became closer to me and eventually the three of us were more than just 'friends'. 
All the while I continued my affair with the 'married man'
Ugh it pains me to be writing this but obviously I need some help and am hoping somebody can offer some guidance.
Well all of this came to an abrupt end last November when the wife of the man I was seeing found out about the affair and called my husband. For some reason, my husband chose to not believe it (although I know deep down he believes it) and when he questioned me on it, I denied it. I felt horribly. Initally I was so scared of losing my husband. This shocked me as I had been questioning my relationship with him and feeling awful about everything and believing that my marriage should end. 
I also stopped seeing my girlfriend and 'friend'.
After it ended, I started to really miss the 'other man' as we talked daily, mostly on emails over the course of the 10 months, and I really felt the void once it ended. I obviously had developed true feelings for him and the sexual chemistry between us was unreal and I missed it. It wasn't frequent, within the 10 months we were together physically probably about once per month. 
So here I am today, I received an email from the other man a few weeks ago checking in and essentially saying that contact needs to end as he is trying to rebuild his marriage with his wife and kids. I'm left with my broken self, trying to focus on my work (as I allowed this fiasco to almost effect my professional life as well) and focus on rebuilding the damage i've done to my marriage. Hating myself for what I did to my husband and uncertain of where to go. To top it all off, my husband wants to start a family, and our familes are pressuring as well and well obviously, i'm just not ready for that. I've tried counselling in December but I felt extremely judged and I didn't get what I needed from it. 
I really truly love my husband. Sexually I'm just not sure at times. I'm torn about telling him all of the horrid details of what i've done. I've questioned for some time if we should really be together. And every day I waver but I know I truly love him and I know he deserves better than all of this. 
I appreciate your time in reading this.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think you need more time in counseling. You need to sort this out as to whether you really want to stay with your husband and how to deal internally with what you did. 

You may have to tell him the "horrid details" if you can't live with yourself otherwise. This is where counseling will help.

You need to break all contact with the married man (no more "checking in" and with your other friend and her boyfriend. 

Finally, you have to assess where he is with the drugs and gambling and decide, apart from anything YOU have done, whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

People do things all of the time, right or wrong that is completely out of character for them. Trust me I know. Do the counseling, be completely honest with your husband, do some real soul searching. It will take a long time, but in the end you WILL be ok if you can find it to believe in yourself and find yourself again.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

roots123 said:


> I really truly love my husband. Sexually I'm just not sure at times. I'm torn about telling him all of the horrid details of what i've done. I've questioned for some time if we should really be together. And every day I waver but I know I truly love him and I know he deserves better than all of this.
> I appreciate your time in reading this.


You are really confused about boundaries in a marriage. I hope you figure them out with the help of a trained professional.

One thing is clear, do not have children at this stage of your life.

Get tested for STDs and be honest with your husband.

Don't be selfish and self destructive.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Yeah DEFINITELY don't have kids.


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## roots123 (Mar 8, 2011)

michzz said:


> You are really confused about boundaries in a marriage. I hope you figure them out with the help of a trained professional.
> 
> One thing is clear, do not have children at this stage of your life.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the reply. 
I have been tested and am clean.
You are completely on point, selfish and self destructive is exactly what brought me to this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## roots123 (Mar 8, 2011)

paramore said:


> People do things all of the time, right or wrong that is completely out of character for them. Trust me I know. Do the counseling, be completely honest with your husband, do some real soul searching. It will take a long time, but in the end you WILL be ok if you can find it to believe in yourself and find yourself again.


Thank you . I will try counseling again and hope for a good fit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## roots123 (Mar 8, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> I think you need more time in counseling. You need to sort this out as to whether you really want to stay with your husband and how to deal internally with what you did.
> 
> You may have to tell him the "horrid details" if you can't live with yourself otherwise. This is where counseling will help.
> 
> ...


I really appreciate your reply. Thank you. I feel like there are so many angles to consider, it overwhelms me. Your broke it down as I need to, no excuses. Thanks 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Remember though, people make mistakes, you can make it through this, and come out a better stronger person for it. Again, go through sometime and read my story, I can really really identify with you to a certain degree.


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## roots123 (Mar 8, 2011)

paramore said:


> Remember though, people make mistakes, you can make it through this, and come out a better stronger person for it. Again, go through sometime and read my story, I can really really identify with you to a certain degree.


Thank you. Can you attach the link, I would love to read it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

would it be out of line to say... go to church?

- I consider myself a reasonable man, Capableof forgiveness and compassion and always in control of my mental state.

This situation would change that.

I almost never give spiritual advice, but uh.... go to church.


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## roots123 (Mar 8, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> would it be out of line to say... go to church?
> 
> - I consider myself a reasonable man, Capableof forgiveness and compassion and always in control of my mental state.
> 
> ...


I come from a religious upbringing. When I discovered my husbands infidelity and deceit I turned to my priest for guidance and my faith to help me through. My husband and I are from different faiths. I have a large and supportive family with many religious functions and you're absolutely right, lately I have been feeling far from my faith. Thanks for your time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wow, I can't believe there is no bashing or anything I'm inpressed.

I hope you get this out in the open so that both of you can learn and make the corrections that will be needed to prevent this from happening again. Both of yous can us a great MC, there hard to find but keep looking thier out there.

My WS tells me shes not the same person she was a year ago and is happy for it. So get this out and address it then hopefuly you will find the person you want to be and be happy for it. Good luck

You'll see once you start to focus on H the OM will fade and you will be happier for it. My W says its more real....the sex thing. But you have to get it out there so the both of you can put a real effort in. So for him ..he has to be sexier and for you you have to be more faithful and stop being bored.

If you both know what and why you are working on the marraige it will help. but if he doesn't get it then you will still be bored. So let him know what you do when you get bored and see if he want to work together in being better people in a better marriage? 
How hurt can he be ......well you know youv'e been there.

Good luck and fix this marriage it will be worth it....years from now it will be worth it.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

roots123 said:


> So this is my story in as much of a nutshell as possible...
> 
> 
> I discovered a couple of weeks after our wedding day that my husband was having an affair, was on drugs and had gambled away a substantial amount of $. It devastated me. It shook my world upside down. We worked through it and remained together. I eventually started looking at the experience as something that I didn't cringe at when I thought about but I accepted as my own and almost valued the experience for I knew deep down I was forever changed.
> ...


1st off, take note of the differences here. Your husband may be in denial but i'm sure he suspects something. Obviously he came clean with his infidelity and you were able to work through it at the time. Whether or not you truly put it behind you is a journey you need to take with a counselor. However, until YOU come clean about EVERYTHING, I don't see your marriage ever being able to reconcile.

Q~


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

MrQuatto said:


> However, until YOU come clean about EVERYTHING, I don't see your marriage ever being able to reconcile.
> 
> Q~


I gotta say, after reading it again... I am still speechless. If you go to therapy, reveal your indescretions and manage to save your marriage, post the therapists name. I will buy that guy a beer.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

My god. This is horrible. You have literally come to this forum and explained exactly what every guy, including your husband, is waiting (dying) for their unfaithful wife to tell them, but most of them won't. They're too ashamed, scared of what they'll lose and get defensive.

You obviously know what you've done wrong, but please don't make this any worse by keeping it from your husband. Yea, you need counciling, big time. Then, you need to walk your ass into that house and tell your husband exactly what you did.

I'm still WAITING for my wife to come out and tell me, but she probably won't, which damages trust, and screws her chances of reconciliation up even more. I hate to say this, I REALLY hate to say this, but I'm so glad I'm not in your husband's shoes right now. 

Those guys you were with, you have feelings for one of them. He sexually attracts you when your husband doesn't. Guess what, the sexual attraction for him will also fade, like in your current marriage. You have to choose - Taking a "CHANCE" with other guy, or fixing the guy you currently have, which it can be done. 

I'm not going to lie or sugarcoat this, Roots123, my wife telling me this would kill me, but keeping it from me would be even worse. Your remorse for this will show him that you still love him. No remorse or being defensive will just show your guilt.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Actually, you sound like my wife. Babe, is that you?


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## roots123 (Mar 8, 2011)

MrQuatto said:


> 1st off, take note of the differences here. Your husband may be in denial but i'm sure he suspects something. Obviously he came clean with his infidelity and you were able to work through it at the time. Whether or not you truly put it behind you is a journey you need to take with a counselor. However, until YOU come clean about EVERYTHING, I don't see your marriage ever being able to reconcile.
> 
> Q~


God all of this has hit me like a ton of bricks.
I do believe my husband is afraid to believe it and is in denial.
I also believe I had unresolved issues from his past infidelity that I had been supressing and which lead me down this path (not an excuse). I always felt like I never knew the entire truth about it. 
What has really hit me today is how I definitely love him, am so so ashamed of what I've done, I wish I could take it all back and I know that I need to come clean about it. Hurting him like this is the worst thing ever and I've been selectively blind about it up until now but I have to face the music at the expense of forever changing his opinion of me, wounding him and losing him forever. But that would be his choice to make, not mine. Thank you for your insight, I really appreciate it.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm thinking you should tell him before you decide to start a family. 

My husband made out with a co-worker 10 years ago and never told me. He got out of the situation, found a new job, and was relieved I never found out. Fast foward to last year and it's one of the reason's he went down the slippery slope of his EA that did turn physical. In his mind he was already a "bad husband", so what did it matter? Warped thinking, but it helped justify. Plus, he never thought I'd find out. He has said since, if he knew that I'd find out and knew how much it would devastate me, he never would've had the affair.

Anyway, it's opened up communication and for the first time in years, brutal honesty. He's even told me that if I am weak some night and seek revenge, to tell him. He wants us to have an honest relationship moving forward.

So, I'd suggest finding a good couples therapist, one that is pro-marriage. The book "Take Your Marriage Back" by William Doherty has some good questions to ask when looking for a therapist.

Good luck and rebuild the relationship with your husband before bringing children into it. What better gift to give children, then to have a loving and honest relationship with their father.

Also, make sure your husand has told the whole truth about his past affair. Getting the trickle truth sucks and can bring you right back to ground zero whenever something new is revealed.


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