# Husband is in denial and I want out...



## quincybelle1020

This is the first time I am posting something so personal on a forum, so please bare with me. My husand and I have been married for 7 years and we have a beautiful 5yr old girl. When we were first married things were ok, not wonderful, but ok. I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. We got married when I was 24 and he was 30. I had my daughter when I was 26. I always thought I was way too young to get married let alone have a child. I knew something was definatly wrong in our marriage right after our daughter was born. He always wanted children and from the moment we were married he would constantly beg me to get pregnant. I finally caved in after stating that I wanted a dog. He told me I could get a dog if I got pregnant. Not realizing I was fertile mertle, I was pregnant when I went to get my new puppy from the pound.

My pregancy was perfect, the birth was perfect. Everything went so smooth...until we got home from the hospital. I was totally ignored. I did not have post partum depression, I was a happy new mom. I always knew though deep down inside that I was not the mothering type. I was always that girl who would say that her friends babies were cute, but never asked to hold them. I love my daughter and can't imagine my life without her, but I was never the type to just be a mom. Anyway, once we came home from the hospital my husband began only paying attention to her. I thought it would subside after a while, but it never has. She is his everything, which I think is wonderful. The point I'm trying to get at is that he is a WONDERFUL father, but a sucky husband. He never wanted to go out alone with me, he never wanted to spend time alone with me, and he never wanted to vacation alone with me. He always wants her to be around. He does work long hours, by his own choice, so I think he feels guilty for not being home enough. 

As time went by, we started becoming roommates...no sex, no cuddling on the couch, no conversations...nothing. He thinks that there is nothing wrong with that. I have tried approaching him with my gripes for the past 3 1/2 years now and have not gotten any response. I asked to go to marriage counseling 2 times and he laughed and said we didn't need it. Finally about 3 months ago, I decided to talk to him one last time, but this time I told him that I am done. He finally "got" it and is trying, but my problem is that it's a little too late. I have told him that I love him, but am no longer "in love" with him. I look at him differently as well. I am no longer sexually attracted to him. How could someone want sex with someone else after so many years of that person not showing any affection towards me. 

I must admit that I have been having an emotional relationship with a male friend who is almost divorced. He is just waiting for the final divorce papers to be signed. I am in love with this person. He is everything I could ever want in a man. I know that I should back away from him and try to deal with my situation with a clear mind and no distractions, but I am having a hard time doing that. I feel as though I have finally found someone who wants to be around me and loves me and finds me sexy and I deserve that. 

Since telling my husband that I want a separation, he has been begging me to try again and I don't want to . He is in total denial about how bad our relationship has gotten. 

I want out, but I don't know where to go from here. Please, any advice would be greatly appreciative. Thank you...


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## Sensitive

It think it is common for a marriage to change after the birth of a child. Often it is the mother who immerses herself in the child, and forgets the spouse. Also, it is common for another person to fill voids when a marriage is weak. It sounds like you already reached the affair stage and willing to divorce for the other man. Please stop and think what will happen to your husband and daughter.


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## JDPreacher

Imagine that...the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line and oh, BTW, not that I'm telling you but there just happens to be someone else.

If you want out, then go, make your exit plan and go...desert your husband and your daughter and go be with your new guy.

Mistakes, much like death, come in threes...sounds like the first one was your marriage, the second was having a child when you didn't want to and the third is running off to be with your knight on the white horse...

Good luck...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## wonder

think about what you're doing. right now you come off as being a bit selfish. OMG a dad who wants to be involved in his child's life...the horror. so instead you go to someone else for attention. 
sorry, but i have no pity or sympathy for people who have affairs, emotional or physical. work on your marriage before you say you're done. now that he knows what's at stake, give him a chance. i hate how people don't really think about the concequences of their actions


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## Sprite

The fact that there is an EA going on, wether you feel like you are in love with him or not, says you are lacking something in your marriage. And you are. The question is, do you want to give up on the man you married and your daughter for someone else because the grass is greener over there(or so it may look to you)?

Get rid of the EA, you will NEVER be able to concentrate on your marriage as long as he is in the picture. I know this is easier said than done, but you have a lot of soul searching to do right now. What do you really want? Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now? How much time have you given your husband to prove he can change for the benefit of the family? Are you honestly giving your husband a fair chance?

Any man can make you feel good about yourself if you let them! Just like any relationship, its great in the beginning, but how long will it take for this one to get "comfortable"? A new man is not always the answer no matter how you think you may feel about him. What is more important to you?


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## martino

God this forum is starting to annoy me...listen her emotional affair is not good we know that. Anyone else care to berate her??? or can we move past that? she's abandoned in her marriage.


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## Sprite

I am sorry you feel she is being berated..this is definately NOT my intention. She came here for advice...thats what the majority of us give.

Instead of complaining about other posts...do YOU have any advice for her? After all, isnt that what she is asking for?


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## D8zed

Martino, I agree with you!

Quincybelle...

No one can decide for you or tell you what to do. This is YOUR life and YOU are the one that has to live it and has to live with whatever consequences may occur as a result of your actions/decisions. 

If you're feeling ambivalent about your marriage, read the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". But keep in mind that your assessment of your current situation will probably be clouded by the feelings you have for the other man.

There are no easy answers or solutions when it comes to divorce. It's one of the hardest, most emotionally painful things you will go through (except for the death of a loved one of course).


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## voivod

martino said:


> God this forum is starting to annoy me...listen her emotional affair is not good we know that. Anyone else care to berate her??? or can we move past that? she's abandoned in her marriage.


martino...she said "any advice would be appreciated"...

maybe the best advice came from on of the harshest respondents.

i'd sure like the OP to come clean and say that she is rotten for involving herself in an affair.

she is not abandoned in her marriage. her man does not understand the gravity of his (lack of) action. this husband went from being "the best thing since sliced bread" to someone who she wants to leave. how does that happen? she's obviously a terrible communicator. i understand how he "is in total denial."

QB1020--go ahead, wheel the other man out. tell H that THIS is the man i needed. what a farce. grow up. make sure you tell your 5 yr old daughter of the choice you made.

you want "any advice?" yeah, dump the other dude. tell him to NEVER contact you again. tell your husband how close he was to losing you, then TELL HIM what you were missing from him. oh yeah, grow up.


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## perspective

Quincy, I'm sorry about the horrible people judging you here, not much of this advice is useful. Can you imagine how you'd end up if you took advice that essentially amounts to "just fix your marriage and everything will be fine"? Thanks, but it's not that simple. I am in the middle of this same process right now (minus the offspring), and I have benefited greatly from a therapist who helped me realize that it isn't my fault that I can't get my husband to address our *mutually shared* problems straight on. The fact that you are having an affair is a symptom, not the real problem. The only blame you can assign yourself is that you have made mistakes, and I'd love to hear from any of these posters who have not made mistakes in their lives before. 
The bottom line is that *you* are responsible for your own happiness. Not your husband's. If your child grows up in an unhappy home, she's going to know it. And that can do more damage to a child than separation. It actually doesn't matter what you do with your husband as long as it is done with respect and civility. What use are you going to be to your child, who looks up to you- or to anyone in your life- if you're miserable and regret your whole life? I realize how much damage was being done to me by my accepting to be unhappy and retain the status quo, and though the naysayers like many on this forum have made it harder for me, I haven't forgotten that I don't have to answer to them. If the naysayers are friends, they don't truly care for you, and if they're strangers, it is their own beliefs and biases that drive their advice, not a desire to help you.

Take responsibility for your actions and decisions, and do the best you can not to hurt anyone, including yourself. 
Seek support from the friends and family who you know will stick with you no matter what. They will be your lifeline.
Whatever you do, consider your child. Explain everything to her in a way that makes sense. She needs her parents to love her no matter what, even if they no longer love each other.
We all make bad decisions sometimes. It doesn't mean we have to be doomed for eternity. But we have to take care in undoing the knots we tie ourselves into- that IS our responsibility.

Personally, I think you've given it your best shot. You can only try so many times. If you truly want to save your marriage because you think it can be saved and will make you happy, go for it. If not, you have the right to leave. Don't let anyone take your life away from you. It's yours.

Do not seek your truth in other people. Seek it in yourself. No one, including the knight in shining armor, can make you happy if you're not happy within yourself. While this person may be the one for you, don't rush into trying to make that true. If he supports you through this, he is worth a chance. But you may never want to marry again. As for me, one was enough.


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## MEM2020

QB,
At risk of saying something very controversial you are NOT in the wrong here. YOU are the injured party. Your husband never was sexually attracted to you. He was ABLE to have sex with you, but did not truly desire you. He CONCEALED that from you because he wanted a kid/kids. When he vowed to love you - he was lying - he knew exactly how this was going to play out. And then he lied and lied whenever you raised this with him. 

And he works long hours to AVOID you, and to be able to claim it is fatigue not lack of attraction.

Move on, he is profoundly broken and profoundly dishonest. 






quincybelle1020 said:


> This is the first time I am posting something so personal on a forum, so please bare with me. My husand and I have been married for 7 years and we have a beautiful 5yr old girl. When we were first married things were ok, not wonderful, but ok. I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. We got married when I was 24 and he was 30. I had my daughter when I was 26. I always thought I was way too young to get married let alone have a child. I knew something was definatly wrong in our marriage right after our daughter was born. He always wanted children and from the moment we were married he would constantly beg me to get pregnant. I finally caved in after stating that I wanted a dog. He told me I could get a dog if I got pregnant. Not realizing I was fertile mertle, I was pregnant when I went to get my new puppy from the pound.
> 
> My pregancy was perfect, the birth was perfect. Everything went so smooth...until we got home from the hospital. I was totally ignored. I did not have post partum depression, I was a happy new mom. I always knew though deep down inside that I was not the mothering type. I was always that girl who would say that her friends babies were cute, but never asked to hold them. I love my daughter and can't imagine my life without her, but I was never the type to just be a mom. Anyway, once we came home from the hospital my husband began only paying attention to her. I thought it would subside after a while, but it never has. She is his everything, which I think is wonderful. The point I'm trying to get at is that he is a WONDERFUL father, but a sucky husband. He never wanted to go out alone with me, he never wanted to spend time alone with me, and he never wanted to vacation alone with me. He always wants her to be around. He does work long hours, by his own choice, so I think he feels guilty for not being home enough.
> 
> As time went by, we started becoming roommates...no sex, no cuddling on the couch, no conversations...nothing. He thinks that there is nothing wrong with that. I have tried approaching him with my gripes for the past 3 1/2 years now and have not gotten any response. I asked to go to marriage counseling 2 times and he laughed and said we didn't need it. Finally about 3 months ago, I decided to talk to him one last time, but this time I told him that I am done. He finally "got" it and is trying, but my problem is that it's a little too late. I have told him that I love him, but am no longer "in love" with him. I look at him differently as well. I am no longer sexually attracted to him. How could someone want sex with someone else after so many years of that person not showing any affection towards me.
> 
> I must admit that I have been having an emotional relationship with a male friend who is almost divorced. He is just waiting for the final divorce papers to be signed. I am in love with this person. He is everything I could ever want in a man. I know that I should back away from him and try to deal with my situation with a clear mind and no distractions, but I am having a hard time doing that. I feel as though I have finally found someone who wants to be around me and loves me and finds me sexy and I deserve that.
> 
> Since telling my husband that I want a separation, he has been begging me to try again and I don't want to . He is in total denial about how bad our relationship has gotten.
> 
> I want out, but I don't know where to go from here. Please, any advice would be greatly appreciative. Thank you...


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## sfguy

MEM11363 said:


> QB,
> At risk of saying something very controversial you are NOT in the wrong here. YOU are the injured party.


Bah. There is no such thing as a breakup of a long term relationship where one person is 100% at fault. Not only that but it's a useless question. What's important is figuring out how to heal and learn get on with your life.

I don't know why society is so obsessed with pointing fingers.


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## sisters359

Mem, good call. I had the thought that the dude might be attracted to children (and the OP seems to be long gone, so I guess I can say that). Or maybe he just really wanted to be a dad and knew how difficult it would be as a single man to adopt. But yeah, I figured he had to be gay or something; just not normal for a guy not to want to have sex with his wife. 

SFG, there are times when one person has been willfully deceptive and the other has either been ignorant or unwilling to see the signs--in that case, the marriage was the fault of both, but the deceiver was responsible for the break up, b/c once the 2nd party was able to read the signs, s/he left. The marriage was based on a lie--and falling for it is a mistake; rectifying that mistake by leaving is NOT wrong and there is, IMO, no "blame" to attach to that action. It's pretty much a standard of English and American law that a person cannot be allowed to profit from deception, and if you've gotten someone to marry you under false pretenses, then you deserve what you get when your lies are uncovered. It's common grounds for annulment, in fact. 

Should a woman stay married to a gay man, for example, once he admits it, when her sexual needs have been and will be continuously denied and she knows he will be lusting after other partners? Heck, if he's just come to terms with his sexual orientation (and the ability of people to hide from their own truth is pretty astonishing), does he deserve to be condemned to a lifetime of misery? The goals of marriage are pretty clear (from a Christian perspective): to prevent sin (sex outside of marriage), to allow for procreation, and to provide companionship. If any one of those 3 things is missing, is it really a marriage? (note it is to "allow" for procreation, so if both parties agree not to have kids or can't, that is still a marriage, but if one party won't allow the other to become a parent, most people would say the person who wants children has a legitimate reason to leave the marriage). Much older marriage services (like 19th century Anglican) used to explain this, and I think the service was based on the letters of Paul to the Corinthians. In Protestant churches, marriage became interpreted as a civil contract so that divorce with the right of remarriage became possible. Nonetheless, many people today view marriage as an unbreakable vow--without realizing that ANY contract can be dissolved and, even according to older Christian traditions, there are several legitimate reasons to break up a marriage--and the person leaving may be able to point to actions of the other party as breaking the terms of the contract, thus allowing that person to dissolve the union. Yes, I agree that 99% of the time, BOTH parties have done things that "violate the terms of the agreement." But it only takes ONE person to act on that--and then the other person starts claiming "you were at fault too." That's actually not relevant to the right of the person to leave. Two wrongs don't make a right--only a willingness to forgive those wrongs on the part of both people can make things right. And if you've broken faith with your partner (in one big way or maybe a lot of small ways, as is usually the case if cheating isn't involved), you really don't have a leg to stand on when you try to claim that the person leaving "owes" you another chance b/c they were guilty, too. No, they don't. If you are lucky, you might get another chance. But no one should count on it, and no one should fall apart b/c they weren't perfect and they did somethings the other person just couldn't live with any more. Accept responsibility, forgive yourself, forgive the other person if you can (b/c you'll be a lot happier if you do), and move on. I just do not see why this is so difficult for so many people.


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## MEM2020

Good points Sister.

And for a contract to be valid, both parties need to enter into it in good faith. If I sign a contract to build you a house and have zero intention of doing so, the contract can be thrown out as non-binding. A marriage contract with a woman - when you are gay - or have other preferences - is the same. This is why the annulment process was created. 




sisters359 said:


> Mem, good call. I had the thought that the dude might be attracted to children (and the OP seems to be long gone, so I guess I can say that). Or maybe he just really wanted to be a dad and knew how difficult it would be as a single man to adopt. But yeah, I figured he had to be gay or something; just not normal for a guy not to want to have sex with his wife.
> 
> SFG, there are times when one person has been willfully deceptive and the other has either been ignorant or unwilling to see the signs--in that case, the marriage was the fault of both, but the deceiver was responsible for the break up, b/c once the 2nd party was able to read the signs, s/he left. The marriage was based on a lie--and falling for it is a mistake; rectifying that mistake by leaving is NOT wrong and there is, IMO, no "blame" to attach to that action. It's pretty much a standard of English and American law that a person cannot be allowed to profit from deception, and if you've gotten someone to marry you under false pretenses, then you deserve what you get when your lies are uncovered. It's common grounds for annulment, in fact.
> 
> Should a woman stay married to a gay man, for example, once he admits it, when her sexual needs have been and will be continuously denied and she knows he will be lusting after other partners? Heck, if he's just come to terms with his sexual orientation (and the ability of people to hide from their own truth is pretty astonishing), does he deserve to be condemned to a lifetime of misery? The goals of marriage are pretty clear (from a Christian perspective): to prevent sin (sex outside of marriage), to allow for procreation, and to provide companionship. If any one of those 3 things is missing, is it really a marriage? (note it is to "allow" for procreation, so if both parties agree not to have kids or can't, that is still a marriage, but if one party won't allow the other to become a parent, most people would say the person who wants children has a legitimate reason to leave the marriage). Much older marriage services (like 19th century Anglican) used to explain this, and I think the service was based on the letters of Paul to the Corinthians. In Protestant churches, marriage became interpreted as a civil contract so that divorce with the right of remarriage became possible. Nonetheless, many people today view marriage as an unbreakable vow--without realizing that ANY contract can be dissolved and, even according to older Christian traditions, there are several legitimate reasons to break up a marriage--and the person leaving may be able to point to actions of the other party as breaking the terms of the contract, thus allowing that person to dissolve the union. Yes, I agree that 99% of the time, BOTH parties have done things that "violate the terms of the agreement." But it only takes ONE person to act on that--and then the other person starts claiming "you were at fault too." That's actually not relevant to the right of the person to leave. Two wrongs don't make a right--only a willingness to forgive those wrongs on the part of both people can make things right. And if you've broken faith with your partner (in one big way or maybe a lot of small ways, as is usually the case if cheating isn't involved), you really don't have a leg to stand on when you try to claim that the person leaving "owes" you another chance b/c they were guilty, too. No, they don't. If you are lucky, you might get another chance. But no one should count on it, and no one should fall apart b/c they weren't perfect and they did somethings the other person just couldn't live with any more. Accept responsibility, forgive yourself, forgive the other person if you can (b/c you'll be a lot happier if you do), and move on. I just do not see why this is so difficult for so many people.


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## SurpriseMyself

Quincy - I'm not going to analyze and say your husband is gay, or not attracted to you, or anything like that. What I do what to do is ask some questions you'll need to answer for yourself.

He set a pattern in the marriage (not spending time with you, ignoring you) and that was his preference. He wanted it that way or he wouldn't have done it. Can he really want the marriage to be different from the way he was happy with before? And can you be happy knowing that you had to threaten divorce for him to actually want to spend time with you? And finally, can he really want a marriage like you want? Sure, he can act like he wants to spend time with you. He might be able to do that for quite a while, but eventually it will exhaust him and he'll go back to the way he wanted it to be before. So, who cares if he's gay or straight, attracted to you or not. What matter is whether you can rely on the long-term change that is required of him. Personally, I wouldn't put my entire future in the hands of someone who felt that ignoring someone else was just fine. Adults rarely change who they are deep down.


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## MrP.Bodybig

About getting married young I married at 23. As far as being a parent at young age, we had our daughter at the age 0f 18. It didn't happen in our relationship but, I have had friends tell me (both male and females) that there spouse changed after birth. Pay more attention to the new born than them. No one really wants to be second best to anything. Sometimes even there own children. It seems as if you have made up your mind and are looking for a route out of your marriage. The next logical thing for you to do is move out and contact a divorce lawyer. It will be a hard and unforgiving step, but you must take this step if you are truly ready to divorce. But going off what you have posted it seems your hubby isn't ready. Maybe it because he loves you, maybe its because he doesn't want to break up the family. Either way if you want to work it out try to remember the good times, the things that made you fall in love with him. If you can't drum up these feelings again move on.


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## Scannerguard

I really agree with Mem on a lot of his/her points. I thought they were really good too. There's hardly any excuse for denying the other partner emotional and physical intimacy within a marriage. Been there. Done that. Have the t-shirt. I feel your pain.

The only thing that's bugging me about this is you have his attention now. . .he is trying to work on it and admitting to it finally and now you say don't feel anything.

Is that really, really true? 

Are you sure you aren't really just very (rightfully) angry and bitter?

I mean how can you go from 100% frustrated because of his lack of interest and then when he admits it and now will try to show it, you don't feel anything?

I would have given anything if my wife had tried to work on it. She essentially told me to buzz off. So I did.

I am not saying this is 100% salvagable. There may some real compatibility issues here - affection, libido, etc. But I don't think this is 100% unsalvagable either and is worth a shot at counseling. I'd rather see you get to the bottom of why he wasn't wanting to be intimate with you. Then you make the decision to end the marriage or restore better educated.

More than likely (95% likely), like in my case, you'll find it really has nothign to do with you and all to do with him. Then you can make a decision.

I'd give him another shot.

Now, that being said (and this is a complicated one), I do agree with sisters359 points on marriage, which are backed by Catholic religious doctrine.

(I am not sure what Preacher's is or more importantly, what you married into)

For a marriage to be valid, according to the Catholic Church, it must be in a constant state of conssummation. That is, your husband can't just have sex with you on your wedding night (wife too), cuddle with you and then say, "Okay, marriage valid." You're mine, buddy. Consummation is an ongoing process and I imagine if you were to go before a tribunal, they may grant you an annulment for his lack of interest in that department.

It's just entirely unacceptable. Case closed. Both ways - female and male. That is mandatory bonding time.

The flip side of this coin from the Catholic perspective is you shoudl be wanting to produce babies. So, the consummation process runs both way. You want the means. He wants the ends.

The word "annulment" is very interesting to explore in that it means there never was a marriage. It never really existed. It's hard for the average human mind (mine) to wrap around the concept - even my "legal marriage" of 15 years really has a lot of grounds for an annulment. . .we really were never married.

I think you both kind of may need some perspective and a long talk about what a marriage means. I understand your desire to not have babies - it's very American female nowadays but I have lost count of the number of females who then get the biological clock screaming at 38 and then wonder why medical science can't make things hop to it instantly or produce a tax-payor burdened Octo-Mom.

Women in America want babies when they want babies, not when nature wants them to make babies. Ah, if only nature could be scheduled.

I think you both need to compromise on enjoying the means and maybe accepting the ends a little of physical and emotional intimacy.

The means and the ends are really what marriage is all about.


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