# Are rough patches and a loss of closeness inevitable in a marriage?



## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Lately I've been getting a little resigned to the fact that my marriage may never be the way it was when my wife and I were dating.I think my wife and I's "rough patch" is basically over,but it's still not the same between us as it was before we got married.I was wondering if perhaps I should just realize that things will never be perfect between us and at least I have a wife that loves me and I know plenty of people whose marriages are in much worse shape than mine is.There's couples out there who barley talk to each other outside of arguing,and don't have sex at all..I know plenty of men who would love to wake up every morning with a woman laying next to him....Is it okay to be happy with the fact that even though things aren't the same between you and your wife,it could be a lot worse?So are "rough patches" inevitable in a marriage?More importantly,is it inevitable over the course of a long-term marriage that you won't be as close as you were during the time that you were dating or when you first got married?


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

It saddens me that this may be the case 
Hard to accept and live with the notion but from what I read it seems to be the norm.
It's all so complicated, especially when "closeness" used to define your marriage. When it goes, you either reconcile with this or try to find another definition; comfort perhaps or familiarity.
Main thing is not to find the "closeness" elsewhere and deal with it head-on.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> .Is it okay to be happy with the fact that even though things aren't the same between you and your wife,it could be a lot worse?


Yes that is O.K.



> So are "rough patches" inevitable in a marriage?


IMHO? Yes pretty much they are inevitable.




> More importantly,is it inevitable over the course of a long-term marriage that you won't be as close as you were during the time that you were dating or when you first got married?


NO..that is not "inevitable".In fact its reasonable to expect you will be even closer as time goes depending on the couple.

Sure some "lose touch" and "grow apart" (the cliche) ..many (or lets be fair "some") grow closer and closer as time goes by.

Have you noticed some long term couples actually start to look alike?(physically?)...

Its not one or the other ..both happen.AIM for the closer and closer ..and "rough patches" can actually be instrumental in that process...


((((HUGS))))))


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jack I said:


> Lately I've been getting a little resigned to the fact that my marriage may never be the way it was when my wife and I were dating.I think my wife and I's "rough patch" is basically over,but it's still not the same between us as it was before we got married.I was wondering if perhaps I should just realize that things will never be perfect between us and at least I have a wife that loves me and I know plenty of people whose marriages are in much worse shape than mine is.There's couples out there who barley talk to each other outside of arguing,and don't have sex at all..I know plenty of men who would love to wake up every morning with a woman laying next to him....Is it okay to be happy with the fact that even though things aren't the same between you and your wife,it could be a lot worse?So are "rough patches" inevitable in a marriage?More importantly,is it inevitable over the course of a long-term marriage that you won't be as close as you were during the time that you were dating or when you first got married?


_Au contraire!_ Any marriage has the marked potential to get even better greatly to the point of where you'll find yourself getting even more closer to your spouse with each passing day, despite those so-called periodic "rough patches."

IMHO, any marriage is not going to exactly register 100% on the marriage perfection scale, no matter how good it is. The optimum goal, however, is to make it as close to that proverbial 100% as is earthly possible, all while dodging a few of those landmines, that always seem to rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune time.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

> More importantly,is it inevitable over the course of a long-term marriage that you won't be as close as you were during the time that you were dating or when you first got married?


Depends what you mean by close. You probably know your W 10x better now than when you were dating. Based SOLELY on my own experience, I think the trap that is so easy to fall into is that you THINK you know what makes them happy, so you don't ask. And you THINK they know what makes you happy, so you don't tell.

When we stopped thinking we knew what each other wanted and started asking/telling, things got much better again.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes rough spots and conflict are normal in marriage...it's how you deal with that conflict that determines how successful and happy your marriage is.

As far as closeness .....we've been together 26 years/married 23..there is no-one I'm closer to. He's my best mate.

What do you mean by closeness?? Is it being able to talk about anything and everything, feeling safe and loved or do you mean a connection during sex? (I'm thinking back to your previous posts...they've mostly been about sex and conflict regarding your married sexlife)

What non-sexual things do you both do to keep building on the closeness you desire?


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

waiwera said:


> What do you mean by closeness?? Is it being able to talk about anything and everything, feeling safe and loved or do you mean a connection during sex? (I'm thinking back to your previous posts...they've mostly been about sex and conflict regarding your married sexlife)
> 
> What non-sexual things do you both do to keep building on the closeness you desire?


No I don't mean a connection during sex..I mean outside the bedroom.I'm referring to the way I feel about her.It's a little hard to explain,but I just feel like she's kind of a friend that I love and know very well,and have sex with.When I was dating her I was crazy about her at first...I don't "like"her as much now,you know what I mean....I get tired of her more often and more easily now than I did when we were dating.Sometimes when I want to argue a point,I won't even argue it,simply because I want her to stop talking and I want the conversation to end.Something like that was unheard of while we were dating.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It gets that way if you don't work at it. 

Do you still date your wife? 

What do the two of you do to bond? 

How much time do spend together 'alone'? 

Ever just sit there and look in her eyes when she talks, with out talking back or looking else where?

Get the picture?

How about the last time you just gave her a card, because she's there for you?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

How often do you two just do things for fun? 
What did you do that was fun when you dated?
Do you share any interests?

You certainly do have to work to keep the spark alive...but hopefully if you love the person it doesn't feel like hard work.

They say you need to spend about 15 hours a week together (not watching tv or on computers) talking, relaxing, doing activities together to keep the connection alive and strong.

How much time do you two spend alone doing non-sexual things?

The feeling irritated by her and wanting her to stop talking.... what's that about? Is she boring you or do you just disagree? 
I'm sure she must pick up on how your feeling.. that must be "ouch" for her.

What DO you 'like' about her? Is she funny, smart, clever, frugal, a good cook, a great Mum or an awesome athlete?
What did you like about her in the early days?

Maybe concentrate on these things while trying to spend some FUN time together.

Also i have to say...how much I cherish and adore my H changes day to day. I always love him but some days I like him more than other times ( i'm sure he feels the same)... that's OK.... as long as we come back together.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Jack I said:


> No I don't mean a connection during sex..I mean outside the bedroom.I'm referring to the way I feel about her.It's a little hard to explain,but I just feel like she's kind of a friend that I love and know very well,and have sex with.When I was dating her I was crazy about her at first...I don't "like"her as much now,you know what I mean....I get tired of her more often and more easily now than I did when we were dating.Sometimes when I want to argue a point,I won't even argue it,simply because I want her to stop talking and I want the conversation to end.Something like that was unheard of while we were dating.


Well when you were dating her, everything about her was new to you. From her reactions to what she liked or disliked. Everything about her was probably fascinating to you. On the other hand, as a married man, you can almost anticipate what your wife will say in a disagreement. You're very familiar with her reactions. That's the plus and the minus of a long-term relationship. Familiarity can breed contempt, if you let it. It doesn't HAVE to be that way. It's something you BOTH can work on together. 

I don't get any money for recommending this book, but _*LoveBusters*_ from Dr. Harley is a great book. The advice is straighforward. See if your library can get it if you don't want to buy it. Perhaps you'll see the behaviors you both have that might be eroding at the connection.

You're both individuals so that means you're not going to stay the same forever and ever. You're both going to grow and change in various ways all the time. If you don't spend that much time with each other (less than 1 hour a day), you're going to grow apart. That's when a hobby or your job or some other pursuit is more interesting than your spouse.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

waiwera said:


> How often do you two just do things for fun?
> What did you do that was fun when you dated?
> Do you share any interests?
> 
> ...


Well we were playing old videogames together today.Thats the same thing we did when we were dating/We also do karaoke nights at the house.I try to encourage her to do a karaoke night out somewhere,but she seems too shy.

Well we probably don't spend the full 15 hours together.It's tough sometimes.We had a really fun night this past Saturday just doing karaoke,watching a movie and playing video games.I was thinking,"If only every day could feel like this"...But you know,you can't do the same things every day.I try to get her to go bowling,but she doesn't like bowling.

I'm kind of an introvert and a quiet guy.So when we were dating I liked the fact that my wife was somebody who I felt comfortable talking to about anything.On the phone,in person or what have you.I didn't "need my space"from her.I wanted to hang out with her all the time.Now certain times I just want to be left alone and she might want to go out and other times I might to go out for dinner and a movie and she might want to stay in the house.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

waiwera said:


> The feeling irritated by her and wanting her to stop talking.... what's that about? Is she boring you or do you just disagree?
> I'm sure she must pick up on how your feeling.. that must be "ouch" for her



Well I mainly just disagree.I don't want to keep holding a conversation that isn't productive for a long time.For example she tells her friend a lot of our business.Her friend once told me that I "don't deserve her love and affection".My wife and I disagreed about her telling her friend everything,and I wanted to bring up the you "don't deserve her love and affection"comment but I didn't because I wanted her to just stop talking.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

There are always challenges that come up in a marriage, so if you imagined that marriage would always be a bed of roses, then you had a distorted view of what marriage was. I doubt that you thought that though. But there are always rough patches...kids can overwhelm, an unexpected car repair that wipes out the little nest egg you and your wife may have been saving for a special vacation, finding out someone has a medical issue that needs to be taken care of, deaths in the family (heaven forbid any of your children), etc. etc. But that is really life more so than being restricted to marriage.

But...working through these problems together will make the two of you a stronger couple if you tend to your marriage like you are supposed to. I find that when my wife and I have worked through challenges in our marriage that it brought both of us closer to each other. Some talk about dating your spouse, and that is critical. Remember that even if you are blessed with kids, at the end of the day it will be you and her while the kids will be gone.

I love my wife now more than I ever have when we were dating. The only thing that is better when you are dating is the fact that you are not tethered to a house or children. But aside from that, you can only connect with your GF to a limited degree due to the time constraints. Once you become husband and wife, and you both work strongly to make the marriage stronger because you love each other, you will draw closer and closer to her as you two age. Your time dating should NEVER be the best years of your life together. 

So, spill your guts. What is the big issue bothering you about your marriage or your spouse?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Honestly, I think its normal. Every relationship is going to have its tides of ups and downs. My H and I have been married 4.5 years, together for a total of 8.5 years. There was a time around our second year of marriage that I felt like we we're drifting apart, and it wasn't anything huge I could put my finger on, it was just an uneasiness I had and a feeling of wondering if things were ever going to get back to happy, or if it was all down hill. I didn't know at the time what to think. I spent some of that time wondering if divorce was in our future. That sounds a bit over dramatic looking back on it, but I remember clearly how I felt back then. We were out of sync for awhile. I chose to use that time to focus on myself and bettering myself instead. Im not talking about 180s or any of the other typical relationship mantra, I just threw myself into work and started seeking mental healthcare that I knew I needed. I pretty much let the situation play out on its own, and I forced myself not to dwell on negative thoughts that did not have roots in anything specific.

Over time - maybe a year - things got better. I don't even know how or why really. It just seemed like slowly things started to sync again and we were laughing together more and irritating each other less. Just an ebb and flow thing I guess.

I believe that it is in these times that we are more vulnerable to making rash decisions, like my thoughts of divorce that were misplaced, and perhaps this is what leads some other people to cheat. But I think as long as there is not anything glaringly wrong in your marriage like infidelity, abuse, etc. That you are better served to keep your thoughts positive and remind yourself why you love that person. 

I didn't let myself mourn our dating days, instead I focused on some of the major events in my life where my H was there for me in a way no one else could have been, or times he had done things for me. I have a hand full of very powerful warm-and-fuzzy memories that I consciously replay in my mind because they solidify for me why I chose to marry this man. I know that might not work for everyone, but I relied on those thoughts during our darker times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> So, spill your guts. What is the big issue bothering you about your marriage or your spouse?


Well it's a general feeling that things aren't as much fun as they once were.There's so much talk of bills,work and things of that nature.I'm trying to make a concerted effort to do more fun things to make life in general more fun.I'm brainstorming..and hopefully I'll come up with some new activities.But like I said,I may want to go out to red lobster and she may want to stay in the house.I want to do karaoke out at a karaoke event to try something new and fun, and she wants to do karaoke at home.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jack I said:


> Well it's a general feeling that things aren't as much fun as they once were.There's so much talk of bills,work and things of that nature.I'm trying to make a concerted effort to do more fun things to make life in general more fun.I'm brainstorming..and hopefully I'll come up with some new activities.But like I said,I may want to go out to red lobster and she may want to stay in the house.I want to do karaoke out at a karaoke event to try something new and fun, and she wants to do karaoke at home.


1st things 1st.... is there any *Resentment* Built up between the 2 of you ? 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html 

Rough patches are normal, some fighting/ Conflict... NORMAL, even healthy I'd say... but I'd never say a loss of closeness is inevitable in all marriages... not at all. We have grown even closer in Mid life -than I feel we were while dating..in our teens/ early 20's.... It's a beautiful thing. 
A couple needs to keep the Passion revived..... upsurge the emotional /hormonal somehow.... Some ideas...







.......http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ping-dopamine-flowing-long-term-marriage.html...(my post #3)....



ALSO Apathy can zap your enthusiasm with your Spouse... 

How important, when the laughter stops in the home, the smiles, the







's (always a sign that something is amiss)...to FIGHT for getting back to this place....once again talking to each other , seeking how the other feels, trying to look outside of our lenses to their point of view... ....this is what was needed.....Otherwise one could be silently drowning right beside us. 

An article to read >>> A is for Apathy: What Happens when You Don't Care Anymore?  



> Apathy, unconcern, indifference, lack of interest, lack of emotion. It's what creeps into the marriage when one or both spouses aren't watchful.
> 
> *§* It happens when they allow the fire for each other to go out.
> 
> ...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Jack I said:


> Well it's a general feeling that things aren't as much fun as they once were.There's so much talk of bills,work and things of that nature.I'm trying to make a concerted effort to do more fun things to make life in general more fun.I'm brainstorming..and hopefully I'll come up with some new activities.But like I said,I may want to go out to red lobster and she may want to stay in the house.I want to do karaoke out at a karaoke event to try something new and fun, and she wants to do karaoke at home.


How old are you two? If the both of you are freshly out of HS or college, then I can see where you get this general feeling. But it's also a part of life that you would still have to face whether you are alone, dating or married.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> How old are you two? If the both of you are freshly out of HS or college, then I can see where you get this general feeling. But it's also a part of life that you would still have to face whether you are alone, dating or married.


I'm 34 and she's 36,but I see what you're saying.Yes,it is a part of life,but it gets really boring.And since my wife and I haven't been the same since our rough patch that kind of makes it worse.


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