# Reading recommendations for inlaw difficulties?



## ComplicatedMarriage

I'm looking for some books on how to navigate difficult in-law situations. My husband and I have been married over 20 years. Generally speaking, he's a good husband, but we have VERY different perspectives on boundaries with extended family. It's been one of a small number of things that we just don't see eye-to-eye on but definitely takes its toll on our marriage. I'm not sure how I've dealt with some of the things that his parents do for so many years, but each year it gets harder. At this point, I'm losing patience with them even when around them for short amounts of time. I should have required better boundaries in early years of our marriage to set appropriate expectations, but after so long, it's tough to break old habits when the other partner thinks we should never point out (or at least not allow into our lives) inappropriate behavior among family (at least that's my perspective of what's happening). Not to mention that after years of feeling frustrated, emotions flare quickly. 

Holidays are hard because I honestly don't care to see them anymore. I'm so uncomfortable during visits that it's really hard to even put on a smile and try to be kind as I feel they've completely disregarded my feelings and even those of our kids for many years. It 8s incredibly frustrating to me that it feels as if I'm required to do something I can't stand at every holiday I once loved. But I know I can't very well avoid them as they are his parents, and of course, he loves them and cares about them. They live far enough away that he can't easily go visit without it being a family trip to see them or them staying in our home. The difficulties can be boiled down to them being very selfish (and I'm not even sure if they are aware of how selfish they are) to the point there isn't much regard for other's feelings and needs, along with a really unsettling lack of hygiene that makes it even more uncomfortable, for example when they want to host dinner or bring their funk into our home. So, I need to educate myself on how to handle the difficult and frustrating situations that happen as I've unfortunately allowed resentment to build over many years. I wish I would have not allowed my personal boundaries to be violated by them early and then would have probably avoided a lot of the resentment I now feel, but I can't go back in time. My husband is aware of the issues. He agrees with me in that they have some problematic behaviors, but we disagree on how to handle them. He sees it as we just have to "do for family" regardless. I see it differently and feel setting appropriate boundaries is healthy. I've learned over the years not to let people take advantage of me, even if they're family. He has a people-pleasing side that is especially sensitive to family members. And therein lies the conflict.

My in-laws are not doing anything overtly mean or intentionally hurtful, but they just lack any self-awareness, appropriate social skills, or willingness to adhere to socially acceptable norms/conventions. Maybe I (or both of us) need to see a counselor at some point to work through this, but in the meantime, please share any good books that might be relevant to my situation!!


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## MJJEAN

ComplicatedMarriage said:


> I should have required better boundaries in early years of our marriage to set appropriate expectations,


You don't need a book to set boundaries. Discern your boundaries. Set your boundaries, Stick to your boundaries. I just saved you 300 pages of reading at least!



ComplicatedMarriage said:


> Holidays are hard because I honestly don't care to see them anymore.


Then don't! No is a complete sentence. When he wants to visit his parents tell him you are NOT coming. That's it. The end. You are an adult and free to make decisions regarding the people you want to interact with, when, how, and for how long.



ComplicatedMarriage said:


> They live far enough away that he can't easily go visit without it being a family trip


He can't go all by himself while you and the rest of the family do something else even if it's a "staycation"? Seems it would be less expense and bother for a man to go visit his family alone than it would to take an entire family.



ComplicatedMarriage said:


> or them staying in our home.


Hotels exist. They do NOT have to stay in your home. It's your home. You have the right to determine who comes to stay in your home.


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## ComplicatedMarriage

MJJEAN said:


> Discern your boundaries. Set your boundaries, Stick to your boundaries.


Truly, I agree with you on the whole. That said, there would be consequences that I'm not sure I'm willing to pay at this point in time. _I am interested in keeping my marriage intact._ Had I set boundaries from day #1, I think it would have created a small fight with my husband, but the proverbial molehill would not have become the mountain it has most certainly turned into. You live and you learn. I wish I could do it all over now. I don't see any way that setting such rigid boundaries so many years later wouldn't come to blows (not literal or physical, of course, but it would definitely do so much damage to the love and trust that we have been working on). 



MJJEAN said:


> When he wants to visit his parents tell him you are NOT coming.


So yeah, I agree with this other than the fact that it would be a problem during holidays. Do I not spend holidays with my husband either? Is my husband in any way going to be OK with my ILs never seeing our kids/their grandchildren? If they had done something that truly justified such a drastic measure (direct abuse), it would be one thing, but I don't think anyone will really see it that way outside of myself (and probably my kids). The problem is that I think we should be able to say "no" or not allow the stupid little things that cause all the frustration (for example, if you stay in my home, you wash your hands after using the bathroom). So, I do get where you're coming from. And after writing my post and reading your response, I think it would be wise to send him on a solo trip every few months that could perhaps be a compromise and take the place of them thinking they have to visit our home even if we already saw them at theirs over holiday breaks. Then he can see his parents more often and hopefully not have bitterness towards me about the guilt he has over not seeing his parents "enough." 

But it still doesn't solve the holiday situation. Maybe he would just decide not to go either if I refused to go (and my near-adult kids would probably choose not to go either as soon as they have that option), but then he's the one now harboring resentment toward me because he's not seeing his family at Christmas, etc.? That's a recipe for down-the-road disaster. So, I agree with you to an extent, but I think you've oversimplified a complex situation that doesn't have easy answers. He already says he has a lot of guilt from not seeing his parents often enough (we see them 2-3 visits per year, or sometimes more if they infringe on my work breaks, on average 3-4 days per visit). I don't want to create resentment in him that would in turn do damage to our marriage. I have to at least give his feelings consideration in the matter in the same way I want him to consider mine.



MJJEAN said:


> Hotels exist. They do NOT have to stay in your home. It's your home. You have the right to determine who comes to stay in your home.


I'm 100% in favor of this. I recently mentioned that it would make their visits 1000% more tolerable, and it would naturally limit the number of days they choose to visit due to having to pay for a hotel. I even literally said to him that I feel I should have as much say as he does as to who is allowed to come into our home. While he didn't necessarily argue that, he thinks family should be a priority over the way any of us feel. We discussed requiring a hotel stay if they're visiting (I've insisted on a hotel stay _for us _when we visit them as I refuse to ever again stay in their home), and I'm frankly not sure where it landed as he mentioned that turning our guest bedroom into something that is no longer a guest bedroom would no longer allow us to have other guests either (or at least not without hurting his parents' feelings - the hurting feelings thing is another topic for another day...). He feels like he's already done a majority of the compromising (we've stayed in a hotel for years on visits to see them, I've asked their visits to be briefer than the week they would prefer to stay when they come to see us, he does most of the cooking or meal planning when they come now). It's hard because if I put my foot down with such drastic changes, it's possible that would create an even deeper wound in our marriage. So, because I value our decades-long marriage, I want to find ways to come to a compromise rather than just destroy the marriage with what he would see as an entitled attitude. I hope that makes sense. I do appreciate the advice. The more frustrated part of me wants to just say no. PERIOD. But I don't think that's necessarily the most healthy thing for the marriage, either. I don't think his viewpoints are completely healthy, but just walking all over what he would like also doesn't help. Thus, I'm looking for some reading material that will me navigate a way to compromise that we can at least both live with. Also, even if we were able to set those boundaries perfectly moving forward, I've got to find a way to deal with and let go of the resentment all of this has created within me.


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## Openminded

After 20 years of attempting to deal with my husband’s dysfunctional family, I stopped seeing them. He always saw the issues but refused to do anything about them. Like your husband, he was a huge people pleaser and didn’t ever like rocking the boat because he was afraid they would be annoyed. I told him he was obviously free to do as he pleased where they were concerned but that I was out. His solution was to do nothing and then blame me because he “couldn’t” see them any more and try to guilt me into changing my mind. My response was to remind him that he chose that path and could change it at any time. He never did. Your in-laws will never change so you will have to decide if you are willing to do what you feel is best for you regardless of the fallout (and there may be a lot). It’s something many of us face at some point. Some continue to deal with it and some minimize, or cut, contact. There’s a price to be paid either way.


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## ComplicatedMarriage

I'm sorry you've been through this, too, Openminded! My fear is what you describe. That in the long run, our marriage will be damaged if I just cut them out, and he would be resentful toward me. I think what you did is reasonable, but I'm not at a place yet where I'm willing to let that run its course (I'm so sorry your husband blamed you - you're right in that he could have seen her at any time and chose his path). I'm not expecting the in-laws to change. I know that's highly unlikely. I'd really like to find a way to get my husband on board with setting boundaries (and seeing that the boundaries I'm asking for ARE reasonable boundaries). Maybe that's not possible either. But perhaps at least finding a way to compromise that doesn't damage the marriage, even if neither of us is completely happy with the outcome, would be possible. I'm hoping there are some good books out there to help. I figured if anyone knew where the good reading material was, it might be here.

On a side note, have you and your husband been able to work through this?


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## GC1234

ComplicatedMarriage said:


> I'm looking for some books on how to navigate difficult in-law situations. My husband and I have been married over 20 years. Generally speaking, he's a good husband, but we have VERY different perspectives on boundaries with extended family. It's been one of a small number of things that we just don't see eye-to-eye on but definitely takes its toll on our marriage. I'm not sure how I've dealt with some of the things that his parents do for so many years, but each year it gets harder. At this point, I'm losing patience with them even when around them for short amounts of time. I should have required better boundaries in early years of our marriage to set appropriate expectations, but after so long, it's tough to break old habits when the other partner thinks we should never point out (or at least not allow into our lives) inappropriate behavior among family (at least that's my perspective of what's happening). Not to mention that after years of feeling frustrated, emotions flare quickly.
> 
> Holidays are hard because I honestly don't care to see them anymore. I'm so uncomfortable during visits that it's really hard to even put on a smile and try to be kind as I feel they've completely disregarded my feelings and even those of our kids for many years. It 8s incredibly frustrating to me that it feels as if I'm required to do something I can't stand at every holiday I once loved. But I know I can't very well avoid them as they are his parents, and of course, he loves them and cares about them. They live far enough away that he can't easily go visit without it being a family trip to see them or them staying in our home. The difficulties can be boiled down to them being very selfish (and I'm not even sure if they are aware of how selfish they are) to the point there isn't much regard for other's feelings and needs, along with a really unsettling lack of hygiene that makes it even more uncomfortable, for example when they want to host dinner or bring their funk into our home. So, I need to educate myself on how to handle the difficult and frustrating situations that happen as I've unfortunately allowed resentment to build over many years. I wish I would have not allowed my personal boundaries to be violated by them early and then would have probably avoided a lot of the resentment I now feel, but I can't go back in time. My husband is aware of the issues. He agrees with me in that they have some problematic behaviors, but we disagree on how to handle them. He sees it as we just have to "do for family" regardless. I see it differently and feel setting appropriate boundaries is healthy. I've learned over the years not to let people take advantage of me, even if they're family. He has a people-pleasing side that is especially sensitive to family members. And therein lies the conflict.
> 
> My in-laws are not doing anything overtly mean or intentionally hurtful, but they just lack any self-awareness, appropriate social skills, or willingness to adhere to socially acceptable norms/conventions. Maybe I (or both of us) need to see a counselor at some point to work through this, but in the meantime, please share any good books that might be relevant to my situation!!


Sorry to hear this. I'm in a similar boat. 
A good thing here is that you can always lay down boundaries. It's never too late to do that. I can tell you this, that at least your husband agrees with you and hears you out (from what you describe), and recognizes there are some problems with his family. It's hard though, when they decide not to do what we ask, and to do nothing about it. These are people who sweep everything under the rug, for the sake of peace. People pleasing to the extreme. My husband is very much the same way, but he gaslit me and didn't want to hear me out regarding the problems with his family. I can empathize with you. If your husband is willing, he can go see them any time, without you. Holidays I would let it go, and just go with him. No one wants their spouse gone for the holidays. But for the other times, you don't have to go with him. Have you guys tried marriage counseling? My spouse and I go now. Does it work? I'm not sure...he just tells me what I want to hear, but there are no actions to his words, he still doesn't defend me to his family, unless he is forced to by me. 

But it's worth a shot.


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## ComplicatedMarriage

I'm so sorry GC1234. My husband used to be the same way with me by not even recognizing the issues (or at least not admitting to it). I'm still not sure he sees all of the issues as true issues, but at least we agree on a few. And he is working with me on a few of them, but I'm just worried it's not going to solve the bigger overarching problem. I think it took many years for him to see any of the problems and for some of them to start to annoy him as well. He's just more laid back about the things that bug him, tends to let them go more easily, and as I said before, thinks that it shouldn't matter if it's family. I've definitely experienced times when he didn't see what I saw, though. We haven't been to counseling yet. Maybe at some point. We went through a VERY difficult patch some years ago that wasn't directly related to the ILs but I do think his people-pleasing tendencies played a huge part. We talked a little about counseling then but didn't go. I almost went alone. But prayer got us through that. Some way, somehow. I prayed like our marriage depended on it because it did, and we made it through to the other side. We still might need to go to counseling in the future. I've definitely considered it even if I start going alone. I do try to "let it go" at the holidays because I'm trying to be a loving wife. . . but as I'm sure you must know, there comes a point when you can't just fake a happy smile for the entire holiday visit. Worse yet, we go to visit them alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas. But then they sometimes turn around and come to our place after we've already visited with them. One meal during a holiday I could probably handle, but several days is another matter. And then having to eat food they've prepared with hands that weren't washed after they used the restroom. . . I'm taking protein bars this year and will discreetly eat them and forgo the meal. Even if they did wash their hands, about half the food my daughter and I probably won't be able to eat because they just ignore our dietary needs. They'll have _something_ we can eat but will act like it's not a problem that we're so limited. I'm at a point where I've done this for over 20 years. . . just swallowed my feelings, and it's not working anymore. The minute I start thinking about their visits here or our visit there (or heaven forbid, both), I almost get physically sick because it is THAT hard for me. But I digress... there's a lot of resentment and difficulty that I need to work through. That's why I need help. While I'm definitely not opposed to going to counseling, I've got kids in college that we're paying tuition for, and counseling is expensive. If I can find some workable strategies in some good books as a starting point, that might help. Any chance your counselor has given recommended reading material?


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## Openminded

ComplicatedMarriage said:


> I'm sorry you've been through this, too, Openminded! My fear is what you describe. That in the long run, our marriage will be damaged if I just cut them out, and he would be resentful toward me. I think what you did is reasonable, but I'm not at a place yet where I'm willing to let that run its course (I'm so sorry your husband blamed you - you're right in that he could have seen her at any time and chose his path). I'm not expecting the in-laws to change. I know that's highly unlikely. I'd really like to find a way to get my husband on board with setting boundaries (and seeing that the boundaries I'm asking for ARE reasonable boundaries). Maybe that's not possible either. But perhaps at least finding a way to compromise that doesn't damage the marriage, even if neither of us is completely happy with the outcome, would be possible. I'm hoping there are some good books out there to help. I figured if anyone knew where the good reading material was, it might be here.
> 
> On a side note, have you and your husband been able to work through this?


I wish I had a good solution. I hope you are able to find one. Our lives were definitely less stressful during those years after his mom passed away (his dad had passed away years before her). I was prepared for him, and his family, to blame me so I wasn’t surprised that they all did. If he could have stood up to his family things might have turned out differently but he couldn’t so unfortunately things played out as they did.


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## ComplicatedMarriage

Openminded said:


> I wish I had a good solution. I hope you are able to find one. We divorced about ten years after his mom died although it wasn’t related. We had been married 45 years at that point and had always had a dysfunctional marriage (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree). Our lives were definitely less stressful during those years after his mom passed away (his dad had passed away years before her). I was prepared for him, and his family, to blame me so I wasn’t surprised that they all did. I did go to the funeral because he wanted me to and, as I suspected, his siblings were extremely rude and made the entire thing very uncomfortable. My mother had warned me before I married him that I would find his family difficult and she wasn’t wrong. But I was very young and thought things would get better. They didn’t so I had to finally make the decision to not see any of his family any longer. At that point our child was almost an adult and didn't especially care about seeing them anyway. If he could have stood up to his family things might have turned out differently but he couldn’t so unfortunately things played out as they did.


I'm so sorry!!


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## GC1234

ComplicatedMarriage said:


> I'm so sorry GC1234. My husband used to be the same way with me by not even recognizing the issues (or at least not admitting to it). I'm still not sure he sees all of the issues as true issues, but at least we agree on a few. And he is working with me on a few of them, but I'm just worried it's not going to solve the bigger overarching problem. I think it took many years for him to see any of the problems and for some of them to start to annoy him as well. He's just more laid back about the things that bug him, tends to let them go more easily, and as I said before, thinks that it shouldn't matter if it's family. I've definitely experienced times when he didn't see what I saw, though. We haven't been to counseling yet. Maybe at some point. We went through a VERY difficult patch some years ago that wasn't directly related to the ILs but I do think his people-pleasing tendencies played a huge part. We talked a little about counseling then but didn't go. I almost went alone. But prayer got us through that. Some way, somehow. I prayed like our marriage depended on it because it did, and we made it through to the other side. We still might need to go to counseling in the future. I've definitely considered it even if I start going alone. I do try to "let it go" at the holidays because I'm trying to be a loving wife. . . but as I'm sure you must know, there comes a point when you can't just fake a happy smile for the entire holiday visit. Worse yet, we go to visit them alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas. But then they sometimes turn around and come to our place after we've already visited with them. One meal during a holiday I could probably handle, but several days is another matter. And then having to eat food they've prepared with hands that weren't washed after they used the restroom. . . I'm taking protein bars this year and will discreetly eat them and forgo the meal. Even if they did wash their hands, about half the food my daughter and I probably won't be able to eat because they just ignore our dietary needs. They'll have _something_ we can eat but will act like it's not a problem that we're so limited. I'm at a point where I've done this for over 20 years. . . just swallowed my feelings, and it's not working anymore. The minute I start thinking about their visits here or our visit there (or heaven forbid, both), I almost get physically sick because it is THAT hard for me. But I digress... there's a lot of resentment and difficulty that I need to work through. That's why I need help. While I'm definitely not opposed to going to counseling, I've got kids in college that we're paying tuition for, and counseling is expensive. If I can find some workable strategies in some good books as a starting point, that might help. Any chance your counselor has given recommended reading material?


Hi again! I think if you do a good google search on how to lay down boundaries and enforce them, that might be helpful to you. It's not easy, because some will not take well to you enforcing boundaries, some people don't like when you love yourself enough to demand respect. Don't let them get to you. Do what you think is right.


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## D0nnivain

Health & hygiene are not things you should have to compromise about. 

It's already the week before Thanksgiving so this year may be one more year of grin & bear it but going forward, it's time to fix things. 

If your dietary needs are an issue, walk in with groceries or have them delivered so there is food you can eat. Just because you can't eat something doesn't mean others need to refrain. If it's something that if it touches the dish you will be eating from you will get sick, add paper plates to the list of groceries you buy. 

Stay in a hotel if possible. Send DH multiple times per year while you stay home. Cite cost as a factor but play up the idea that you want him to remain close to his parents & you know he has obligations.


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## GC1234

ComplicatedMarriage said:


> counseling is expensive


Counseling might be covered by your insurance. My husband's insurance covers ours.


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## Diana7

How far away are they? 
You say you stay in a hotel when you visit so thats something. 
My recommendation is to find a good counsellor who can enable you to both talk about this and set some boundaries together. 
You haven't really said specifically what the issues are that you find so bad. Can you enlighten us?


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## ComplicatedMarriage

Diana7 said:


> How far away are they?
> You say you stay in a hotel when you visit so thats something.
> My recommendation is to find a good counsellor who can enable you to both talk about this and set some boundaries together.
> You haven't really said specifically what the issues are that you find so bad. Can you enlighten us?


They are about a day's drive away. Too far to visit without an overnight stay. While I'd love to enlighten you, I'm trying to hold onto privacy by not saying the specific issues on a public forum (yes, I realize I'm relatively anonymous here, but some of the issues are unique to some degree, and any family member who stumbled upon this would definitely know who was being talked about and maybe who posted). If you're up for a PM, I'd be happy to share. The list is quite long. . .

I'm up for counseling at some point. It's not the place I want to start for a few reasons. But I'm certainly not opposed to it.


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## Diana7

DDobyiir


ComplicatedMarriage said:


> They are about a day's drive away. Too far to visit without an overnight stay. While I'd love to enlighten you, I'm trying to hold onto privacy by not saying the specific issues on a public forum (yes, I realize I'm relatively anonymous here, but some of the issues are unique to some degree, and any family member who stumbled upon this would definitely know who was being talked about and maybe who posted). If you're up for a PM, I'd be happy to share. The list is quite long. . .
> 
> I'm up for counseling at some point. It's not the place I want to start for a few reasons. But I'm certainly not opposed to it.


Do your children want to go and do they like seeing their grandparents?


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## ComplicatedMarriage

Diana7 said:


> DDobyiir
> 
> Do your children want to go and do they like seeing their grandparents?


No, they can hardly stand to be around them as well. I let them come to their own conclusions (I didn't tell them my feelings), but they dislike the visits as much as I do. They complain to me about every trip. They do enjoy seeing my parents. It's difficult all around.


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## Diana7

ComplicatedMarriage said:


> No, they can hardly stand to be around them as well. I let them come to their own conclusions (I didn't tell them my feelings), but they dislike the visits as much as I do. They complain to me about every trip. They do enjoy seeing my parents. It's difficult all around.


At least you are staying in a hotel while there.


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