# Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom



## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

Hello,

I got married this past weekend after moving up my wedding date by 6 months after my mothers cancer moved further throughout her body and now into her brain. I have been with my now wife for 6 1/2 years since we were 16. The plan all along was that she would move into the home I have been living in with my mom when we are married. We have been married now for 3 days and she hasn't been to our house one time, instead staying at her parents home. I know she can't stand the idea of being at "my moms" home because she doesn't want that. What I don't get is how she can act so ugly when she knows my mom won't even be here forever obviously. I CANT STAND how she acts about the situation with my mom. She has already told me that she will not allow me to keep almost anything when my mom goes and I don't understand how she even has the audacity to even say that. 

Also, my parents have been separated for about 7 years or so and my dad now lives a couple hours away and is living with a girlfriend. My now wife, her mother, her grandmother etc. don't understand why I say that I don't want to be around his girlfriend when I am dealing with slowly losing my mother. I have been around her twice in the couple year long relationship, only about 2 hours total so I don't even know her. For my engagement party last year and wedding this past weekend, the previously mentioned people all said I need to invite dad's girlfriend and I refused because this is supposed to be special for me and my mom especially and didn't want other woman there. They all tell me i have to get over it and let her be around, yet none of them understand anything. A couple days ago I told my wife that when my mom isn't here anymore I will never be around dad's girlfriend, especially when I have children. I don't want to be around some woman when my mom isn't even here anymore and I really don't want my children to see my dad and somehow confuse this other woman as a grandma or something when in reality their grandma is in heaven. My wife of course calls me crazy and weird and it really hurts me because it's as if she doesn't care at all how the eventual Loss of my mom will affect me. 

Also can't stand how she says that I love my mom so much more than her because I try to be there for my mom and always want to be with her for obvious reasons, because I will soon lose my mom at 22/23 years old. She doesn't understand it's okay for me to love my mother. I would think that would be admirable but she hates it. 

I also quit my Job the day after the cancer moved to her brain and nearly everyone I talk to has praised me saying that i am very mature for wanting to do that to be with my mom. Everyone seems to understand it but my wife. She still tells me that I was stupid for quitting my job that paid $14 an hour (nothing) and even criticizes my mom and says my mom was selfish for allowing me to do that. The reality is that the inheritance I will get when my mom passes will be more than working for $14 an hour so I made the decision that I would rather be with my mom the last few months of my life than work 50 hours a week. 

Help.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

You are going through a lot right now for someone in their early twenties! I am sorry you are going through this and I think your mom is very lucky to have you with her in her final months. My advice would be to not worry about your wife right now, I know that's hard but these are the last times you will ever spend with your mom and you will remember these times for the rest of your life. Don't worry about being around your dad or his girlfriend after your mom passes or about future children right now. I think it's very commendable that you quit your job to take of her, it's very hard to take care of someone who is ill, do you get any help from hospice workers?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I also quit my Job the day after the cancer moved to her brain and nearly everyone I talk to has praised me saying that i am very mature for wanting to do that to be with my mom. Everyone seems to understand it but my wife. She still tells me that I was stupid for quitting my job that paid $14 an hour (nothing) and even criticizes my mom and says my mom was selfish for allowing me to do that. The reality is that the inheritance I will get when my mom passes will be more than working for $14 an hour so I made the decision that I would rather be with my mom the last few months of my life than work 50 hours a week.


I'mnot so sure that that's the smartest thing to do.

One of my mother's friends stopped working when her husband was diagnosed with cancer. The doctors said he had 6 months to live and went on to live for another 4 years. 

Between her, her husband and their daughter, they owned a business which the daughter ran into the ground with her gambling addiction.

Had my mother's friend continued working, she would have had some structure to her day, a reason to regularly get out of the house, and may have saved the family business before her daughter ruined it.

Instead, once her husband died, she had to sell her home to pay her bills. And it has not been easy since.

IF you talk to a financial planner, the first thing they tell you is to take care of yourself first. That way, you will be in a position to help others.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'mnot so sure that that's the smartest thing to do.
> 
> One of my mother's friends stopped working when her husband was diagnosed with cancer. The doctors said he had 6 months to live and went on to live for another 4 years.
> 
> ...


I disagree, she has brain cancer, that is a very quick illness. If he was pressured to quit his job, that's one thing, but he wanted to do it to spend her last months with her. That's a very unselfish act. He can still get out of the the house if he needs to but a parent dying is a very stressful, having to go to work just adds to the stress and he'd have to find someone to care for her. Spending time with her is what is important right now, he's only 22, he has his whole life to plan his 401k.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why did you move up your wedding?

I too think that you need to just focus on your mother. I'm not sure why your wife is not supportive of you. I can understand her not wanting to move into your mother's home right now. It is your mother's home after all. Not wanting to invade your mother's home could be a respectful thing for her to do.



Tommerz22 said:


> She has already told me that she will not allow me to keep almost anything when my mom goes and I don't understand how she even has the audacity to even say that.


What is this about? Does she want you to get rid of your mother's furniture and other belongings? 

After your mother passes away, if you have things your way, do you want to keep things in your mother's house exactly as your mother has them? Is that the issue?


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

My guess is she's jealous of your devotion to your mom and the time you spend with your mom that takes you away from her. If your wife doesn't want to be there, you can't make her but I'd imagine once your mom passes you're going to have some big time resentment towards your wife. How old is your wife? Do you have any siblings that can help out some or aunts and uncles?


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

I'll play devil's advocate for a moment here...

You said moving in with your mom was the plan all along, but whose plan was it? Did your wife happily agree, or did she feel pressured? Was saying no an option for her? Did you and your wife discuss and negotiate your living situation and job situation like adults, or did you just make your plan and carry on without giving her a say?

Why are you so opposed to dad's girlfriend? Is she a bad person, or just not your mom? Put yourself in your dad's shoes for a moment... If you and your wife have kids, then divorce, would you be okay with being cut out of your children's lives once you find someone new?

You should definitely be spending time with your mom right now. But if you got that time by running over your new wife and disregarding her feelings, then you have some apologies to make (if you'd like to stay married).


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You should NOT have married this woman! Why would you marry someone with this kind of horrible attitude toward your sick mother?? And if she didn't want to live in your mother's house, then that should have been discussed and resolved long ago. (if she didn't want to live there, then you should have made other arrangements out of respect for those feelings and your marriage) Based on what you are telling here, this woman is NOT a good person! See if you can get the marriage annulled. She sounds nasty and controlling, and you will be dealing with this for the next 40 years of your life if you don't get out of it now...is this really the kind of person you want as your life partner??


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

Lilac23 said:


> You are going through a lot right now for someone in their early twenties! I am sorry you are going through this and I think your mom is very lucky to have you with her in her final months. My advice would be to not worry about your wife right now, I know that's hard but these are the last times you will ever spend with your mom and you will remember these times for the rest of your life. Don't worry about being around your dad or his girlfriend after your mom passes or about future children right now. I think it's very commendable that you quit your job to take of her, it's very hard to take care of someone who is ill, do you get any help from hospice workers?


We haven't reached out to hospice yet. I am an EMT/ Reserve Firefighter so I have medical experience and understand the process of dying and such. When it starts to be close to the end I figure I will contact them so she can be given drugs to essentially lessen any Pain. She is only 63 and doesn't wasn't hospice out right now, she doesn't want to talk to people about dying when she feels she still has much to live for.


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'mnot so sure that that's the smartest thing to do.
> 
> One of my mother's friends stopped working when her husband was diagnosed with cancer. The doctors said he had 6 months to live and went on to live for another 4 years.
> 
> ...


My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 months after I graduated from high school when I was 18. They thought it was gone after surgery/ chemo/ radiation but exactly 1 year later it returned in her spine. Doctor said that bone cancer is manageable but not curable. I told myself at 19 years old that if i am not a full time Firefighter yet when this cancer spreads somewhere worse then I will quit my job to be with her. My parents are split up and I am an only child. My mom has been with me for 22 years and I would never live wirh myself if I didn't quit my job for this. This cancer is in my bothers spine, lung, liver, and all throughout her brain. Again from my medical experience she won't make it 4 years. She's a few weeks away from needing a prescription for a wheelchair.


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Why did you move up your wedding?
> 
> I too think that you need to just focus on your mother. I'm not sure why your wife is not supportive of you. I can understand her not wanting to move into your mother's home right now. It is your mother's home after all. Not wanting to invade your mother's home could be a respectful thing for her to do.
> 
> ...


The problem is that she doesn't understand that when my mom goes that I will want to keep important things that she had and cherished. She seems rude, she is going to get a house for complete free and it seems like she isn't grateful at all. I don't want to keep things in same position or keep much any of the furniture necessarily but there is a nice curio cabinet with very nice things as well as a hitch and china cabinet that are all very expensive and nice pieces of furniture and she tells me they are going to storage because they "don't match her theme" just seems rude to me that all I ask is to keep at least 2 of the 3 things she has and the items inside. She also likes to make fun of the things my mom likes or her decorations and I don't understand the point. She also likes to tell me that I like everything too and want it all to be kept the same which is not true so that is frustrating.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Why did you marry her? She sounds horrible!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

Lilac23 said:


> My guess is she's jealous of your devotion to your mom and the time you spend with your mom that takes you away from her. If your wife doesn't want to be there, you can't make her but I'd imagine once your mom passes you're going to have some big time resentment towards your wife. How old is your wife? Do you have any siblings that can help out some or aunts and uncles?


Like I tell her, it's a different kind of love and you would think that it would be commendable and show how great of a husband and father I will be but she doesn't see it like that. And yes that is my fear, I fear I will resent her when all is said and done because of how she acts right now and things she has said as well as things she will probably do and say when all is said and done. 

My wife is same age as me, 22. I am an only child. I have an uncle that lives 2 hours away that is awesome, he come in every other weekend on average and spend a couple days with us. Another uncle in town and in about 10 weeks since moving to the brain he has been over about 3 times but does work full time and is raising a 14 year old by himself. I have 2 aunts (retired) that I am not fond of. They helped with my mom when she was diagnosed with breast cancer for about a year by taking her to appointments when I was either at school, work, academy, etc. but it got to the point that it was obvious that they were tired of doing it even though it was about once a week. Then January of 2015, their 86 year old father was diagnosed with lung cancer and he eventually passed away 3 weeks ago but during that year, it was as if my mom fell of the map to them, as if she wasn't sick at all. In 10 weeks they have been to my house 2 times each, only for 10 minutes. 

Needless to say, nobody helps me- although I don't feel I need any help.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What was the relationship between your wife and mother like prior to all of this?

I'm thinking their has to be some underlying issues here. ....how has your mother treated your wife in general? Does your wife on any level feel like she's competing with your mother?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

OpenWindows said:


> I'll play devil's advocate for a moment here...
> 
> You said moving in with your mom was the plan all along, but whose plan was it? Did your wife happily agree, or did she feel pressured? Was saying no an option for her? Did you and your wife discuss and negotiate your living situation and job situation like adults, or did you just make your plan and carry on without giving her a say?
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying but here's my side...

My parents split up before I was born, then retried from age of 9-15 and then split again. My mom has been with me since day one of 22 years. I have been with my wife since I was 16. The way I look at it is this, she had a choice to walk away. She didn't have to go through with this. My mom was originally diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 18. What was discussed all along was that one day when we get married, we will look for a house that has a guest house so my mom is always with us. That was at 18 years old. We are now 22 and she has brain cancer, she had plenty of time to run. It may not be the most exciting situation to a new bride but she didn't have to do it and the reality is she doesn't even have much more time to fake enjoying the situation but she's digging herself into a ditch by how she acts about my mother.


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> You should NOT have married this woman! Why would you marry someone with this kind of horrible attitude toward your sick mother?? And if she didn't want to live in your mother's house, then that should have been discussed and resolved long ago. (if she didn't want to live there, then you should have made other arrangements out of respect for those feelings and your marriage) Based on what you are telling here, this woman is NOT a good person! See if you can get the marriage annulled. She sounds nasty and controlling, and you will be dealing with this for the next 40 years of your life if you don't get out of it now...is this really the kind of person you want as your life partner??


The problem I have is that she is a good person but she has this terrible problem understanding that it's okay for me to love my mother. I think when my mom is gone and we fast forward 5 years, I think she would be a great wife, mother, person. But I don't think she's making my current situation easy on me and I don't feel she will be easy on me after the passing of my mother (by wanting to rush through things and get rid of everything my mother ever owned). I problem is going to be if I will feel resentment towards her when all is said and done.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tommerz22 said:


> I understand what you are saying but here's my side...
> 
> My parents split up before I was born, then retried from age of 9-15 and then split again. My mom has been with me since day one of 22 years. I have been with my wife since I was 16. The way I look at it is this, she had a choice to walk away. She didn't have to go through with this. My mom was originally diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 18. What was discussed all along was that one day when we get married, we will look for a house that has a guest house so my mom is always with us. That was at 18 years old. We are now 22 and she has brain cancer, she had plenty of time to run. It may not be the most exciting situation to a new bride but she didn't have to do it and the reality is she doesn't even have much more time to fake enjoying the situation but she's digging herself into a ditch by how she acts about my mother.




So what I get from this is that you discussed getting a place with a guest house for you mom, but actually moving into your mom's house was your decision and you feel your wife was free to leave if she didn't like it.

Please correct me if that's in error.

Is it possible that your wife just wants her own place? 

How easy is it going to be for you to get a job? 

You sound like a devoted son, and that's wonderful. I lost my dad to cancer and it sucked, still sucks almost 4 years out.

But to be honest you sound immature. If your attitude is that you're making your own decisions and your wife can like it or leave you aren't ready to be married. 

And what is the deal with your dad's gf? Is there any particular reason he shouldn't be allowed to move on with his life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Tommerz22 said:


> Like I tell her, it's a different kind of love and you would think that it would be commendable and show how great of a husband and father I will be but she doesn't see it like that.


After your response to my last post, it looks like you're showing her exactly what kind of husband you will be... the kind of husband who makes a decision for everyone and tells her that if she doesn't like it, she should leave.

I don't think either of you are ready to be married. 

I know this issue with your mother is difficult, and your wife isn't making it any easier. But I think you've sent your wife a very clear message about how you feel about her thoughts and opinions, and now she's responding to that.


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

OpenWindows said:


> Why are you so opposed to dad's girlfriend? Is she a bad person, or just not your mom? Put yourself in your dad's shoes for a moment... If you and your wife have kids, then divorce, would you be okay with being cut out of your children's lives once you find someone new?
> 
> You should definitely be spending time with your mom right now. But if you got that time by running over your new wife and disregarding her feelings, then you have some apologies to make (if you'd like to stay married).


Forgot to answer last past here...

Like I tell people, there isn't anything directly wrong with my dad's girlfriend. Like I also tell people, unless you have been in someone's shoes you can't judge my feelings or thoughts about the situation. The 3 biggest dreams my mother had were to see me become a husband, father, and Firefighter. I don't want to be around my dad's girlfriend when my mom is gone and especially when I have children because again, my mom will NEVER get to physically be with them, hold them, love them. And that will be so hard for me and then now have my kids play with her...not going to happen. I am going to try to teach my kids about their grandmother but I worry obviously that with only puctures, they won't ever think much of their grandma and she would have loved them so much. 

I don't plan on kicking my dad out of my life. Only saying that I don't want his gf in my life. They live 2 hours away anyways. I only see my dad when he comes to town. And I have only lived with my dad 6 years of my life. If he wants to be around, he can come around but I'm not about to let my kids feel like that other woman with grandpa is their grandma. I know it seems mean but again, I think if people haven't been in this situation then they won't ever really understand.


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> What was the relationship between your wife and mother like prior to all of this?
> 
> I'm thinking their has to be some underlying issues here. ....how has your mother treated your wife in general? Does your wife on any level feel like she's competing with your mother?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife always wanted to be "a normal teen" when she was sick when we were 18. She has always had issues because I went home by 9 or so on Friday or Saturday nights to be with my mom since she was sitting at home alone and sick. So she has always had some issues. 

My mother has always wanted my wife to come around but she just doesn't because it is "boring" at my house. 

And yes, my wife always tells me that I love my mother more which isn't true. They are two completely opposite loves. Like I tell her, I certainly hope when her mother is dying that she cares about her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Annulment





Tommerz22 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I got married this past weekend after moving up my wedding date by 6 months after my mothers cancer moved further throughout her body and now into her brain. I have been with my now wife for 6 1/2 years since we were 16. The plan all along was that she would move into the home I have been living in with my mom when we are married. We have been married now for 3 days and she hasn't been to our house one time, instead staying at her parents home. I know she can't stand the idea of being at "my moms" home because she doesn't want that. What I don't get is how she can act so ugly when she knows my mom won't even be here forever obviously. I CANT STAND how she acts about the situation with my mom. She has already told me that she will not allow me to keep almost anything when my mom goes and I don't understand how she even has the audacity to even say that.
> 
> ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tommerz22 said:


> Forgot to answer last past here...
> 
> Like I tell people, there isn't anything directly wrong with my dad's girlfriend. Like I also tell people, unless you have been in someone's shoes you can't judge my feelings or thoughts about the situation. The 3 biggest dreams my mother had were to see me become a husband, father, and Firefighter. I don't want to be around my dad's girlfriend when my mom is gone and especially when I have children because again, my mom will NEVER get to physically be with them, hold them, love them. And that will be so hard for me and then now have my kids play with her...not going to happen. I am going to try to teach my kids about their grandmother but I worry obviously that with only puctures, they won't ever think much of their grandma and she would have loved them so much.
> 
> I don't plan on kicking my dad out of my life. Only saying that I don't want his gf in my life. They live 2 hours away anyways. I only see my dad when he comes to town. And I have only lived with my dad 6 years of my life. If he wants to be around, he can come around but I'm not about to let my kids feel like that other woman with grandpa is their grandma. I know it seems mean but again, I think if people haven't been in this situation then they won't ever really understand.


Yes , that is very nasty and crappy of you. As op pointed out the day might come when you are single and wish to have a partner and your kids cut you out. How will you like that? 

Or maybe your new partners kids will forbid you from coming around and you can be excluded from everything. 

You're 22 and have no idea how this is going to play out.

There's no reason your kids have to think dad's partner is grandma. You aren't the only one to lose a parent and have the other find a new partner..... they can call her "linda", or whatever her name is. What kind of service will it be to them to learn that when people met new partners you just cut them out?

I'm sorry about your mom, as I said I lost my dad and we were very close, but you frankly sound immature and spoiled.

If I was your wife I'd walk right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Annulment


For his wife's sake.

Read the rest of his posts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> So what I get from this is that you discussed getting a place with a guest house for you mom, but actually moving into your mom's house was your decision and you feel your wife was free to leave if she didn't like it.
> 
> Please correct me if that's in error.
> 
> ...


Yes she wants her own place which I totally understand and I have told her that. I don't think this is ideal for anyone. My problem is when she tells me what I think. Here is the reality, my mom won't make in another couple of months and I guess I don't understand why she can't stick it out for that time. That's all I am saying. I am not asking her to do this for 10 years let's say. 

I think it will be quite easy to get a job, I'm even talking about something in retail if that had to be the option right now just to give me spending money. I won't be in a bad situation when she passes because although not as much as some people leave, she has a decent amount of money I will inherit and a cheap mortgage. I am also in the last stages of getting hired by one of the largest Fire Departments in the country right now. I could start as early as May or June. Again, if my mom is still alive, I will turn down the offer to be with her. 

And no direct issue with dad's gf. Just that I have (mom too) always wanted to become a husband, father, and firefighter before my mom goes. Now I know that she will never meet my children and I will have to teach them about their grandmother through pictures. I don't want my kids to be with grandpa and think that the woman that is with him is grandma. That's my issue and that's what I don't like.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

The man I call "Granddaddy" is my father's stepdad, and I've always known that. His real dad passed away when he was a teen.

I know my father loved his dad, and I know he loved his stepdad as well. My father believed that my Granddaddy was one more person in my life who could love me and teach me, and that took nothing away from his own father.

But that's just his opinion, and mine as well.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I have.

His mother has metastatic cancer - and his wife is already focused on erasing reminders of her mother in law - like the nice furniture and so forth. 

She's inheriting a house and her first move is to erase memories of the person she got it from. 

Yes - he has some issues as well. But he's a prince compared to his new wife. 






lifeistooshort said:


> For his wife's sake.
> 
> Read the rest of his posts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yes , that is very nasty and crappy of you. As op pointed out the day might come when you are single and wish to have a partner and your kids cut you out. How will you like that?
> 
> Or maybe your new partners kids will forbid you from coming around and you can be excluded from everything.
> 
> ...


Again, just curious. Are you and only child (primarily raised by your mother), who then dies when you are 22? In this case make it your father. You may have lost your father and I am sorry to hear that but did you lose him while in the same situation I am in? If not, then I am not sure you can fully judge my situation and call me crappy. 

And trust me, I am VERY FAR from spoiled. We don't have much at all. Just a young man that will essentially feel orphaned at 22.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> I have.
> 
> His mother has metastatic cancer - and his wife is already focused on erasing reminders of her mother in law - like the nice furniture and so forth.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

^^^This times a thousand. 



Tommerz22 said:


> Again, just curious. Are you and only child (primarily raised by your mother), who then dies when you are 22? In this case make it your father. You may have lost your father and I am sorry to hear that but did you lose him while in the same situation I am in? If not, then I am not sure you can fully judge my situation and call me crappy.
> 
> And trust me, I am VERY FAR from spoiled. We don't have much at all. Just a young man that will essentially feel orphaned at 22.


You probably need some counseling Tommerz. I can relate to your situation, when I was 19, my mom was diagnosed--but fortunately was able to be put in remission. At the time, the treatment available had 70% death rate among patients. It returned twice. 

I'm not an only child, I've got 2 sisters, and I dropped college and spent years helping keep them in line, assisting with my mom, etc. I think you need some serious counseling, to address some of the things you've said here.

I do agree with MEM: Annulment. She's shown you who she really is. Don't give her an option. It's been a week, and she's behaving like this? She's not wife material man. Not at all. In fact, I think if you analyze your 6 years together, you'll see she was always like this. She wouldn't come over to your mom's house because it's boring. She resented you not going out late on weekends because you had a sense of responsibility.

Annul the marriage. Take care of your mom. Go be awesome. 

And get some counseling about your issues with your dad's GF. That needs addressed.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> I have.
> 
> His mother has metastatic cancer - and his wife is already focused on erasing reminders of her mother in law - like the nice furniture and so forth.
> 
> ...


Not sure I agree, but we can disagree. 

I understand what he's dealing with, my father had metastatic lung cancer that did spread to his brain among other places. I know how bad that sucks.

I just sense a bit of an attitude of him doing what he wants and his wife can like it or leave, and this is not the attitude of a hb. I'm sure his wife has issues too..... they are both 22 which is pretty young to be dealing with a marriage, let alone a parent dying. 

His claim that his wife is mad that he loves his mother makes no sense to me, which is why I say I suspect there's more to this. Why would any normal person expect their spouse not love a parent? I suppose it's possible that his wife is am off the walls lunatic but it's more likely that she is a normal, flawed person who has a different view. 

I'm addition, his attitude toward his father's gf, who has done him no wrong and is separate from his wife, suggests an immature and spoiled mentality. 

I just have the feeling that his wife would have a much different take on this if she were here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

I think the idea that she's mad about him loving his mother might be a simplification of a more complicated issue.

They were going to get their own home, with a guest house for mom. But now he is living in mom's home and intends to keep it.

Their wedding plans were changed for mom.

He quit his job, for his mom's sake, against wife's wishes.

She wants to furnish their home, he wants to keep some of mom's stuff, but she's probably skeptical about him keeping only a few things, and thinks he may change his mind and do what he wants.

While he didn't say about the wedding plans, these other things were done without consulting wife, or against her wishes. I think she feels that his mom is more of an equal partner in this marriage than she is. And I think she's reacting very childishly to it.

OP says that once his mother passes, this will be over and they can just be a married couple. But she's probably afraid that's not true, that he will continue doing what he wants, with or without her.


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I just sense a bit of an attitude of him doing what he wants and his wife can like it or leave, and this is not the attitude of a hb. I'm sure his wife has issues too..... they are both 22 which is pretty young to be dealing with a marriage, let alone a parent dying.
> 
> His claim that his wife is mad that he loves his mother makes no sense to me, which is why I say I suspect there's more to this. Why would any normal person expect their spouse not love a parent? I suppose it's possible that his wife is am off the walls lunatic but it's more likely that she is a normal, flawed person who has a different view.
> 
> ...


When I say my wife could have walked away, I am talking about when I was 18 and we already spoke about always being with my mom. She could have walked away back then and she stayed and now wants to give me a headache saying she doesn't want to be at the house and doesn't want to move in and when when she's gone she doesn't want to be here. Reality is she has lived in the same house her whole life and all of her family lives within a quarter mile of eachother and she is used to that. Now she will have to live about 4 miles away. And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago. 

And she thinks I love my mother more than her. That is the issue. And like I have said to her, if her mom were dying I surely hope she would love and care for her. 

And again, not even close to being spoiled. And have always been told I am very mature, I have had to grow up pretty fast. Been the man of the house most my life. Dealing with mom being diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer when I was 18 and as an only child without a dad in the house. Now going to lose my mother at 22. Don't question my maturity. You don't know me.


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> You probably need some counseling Tommerz. I can relate to your situation, when I was 19, my mom was diagnosed--but fortunately was able to be put in remission. At the time, the treatment available had 70% death rate among patients. It returned twice.
> 
> I'm not an only child, I've got 2 sisters, and I dropped college and spent years helping keep them in line, assisting with my mom, etc. I think you need some serious counseling, to address some of the things you've said here.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the response.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tommerz22 said:


> Again, just curious. Are you and only child (primarily raised by your mother), who then dies when you are 22? In this case make it your father. You may have lost your father and I am sorry to hear that but did you lose him while in the same situation I am in? If not, then I am not sure you can fully judge my situation and call me crappy.
> 
> And trust me, I am VERY FAR from spoiled. We don't have much at all. Just a young man that will essentially feel orphaned at 22.


Look, I know you're hurting. If you must know I have two sisters, both of whom are pieces of crap that i don't speak to. One is currently in jail anyway. 

I'm not that close to my mother for a variety of reasons. ... my father was the one I spoke to and one of my closest friends. With him gone I am very much alone. I have basically no extended family.....i had one cousin call me after his passing. That's it. Nobody even gave a rat's behind. 

You are insinuating that your loss is somehow greater then anyone else's, so you might be careful with that. 

You're the one here trying to navigate your marriage but you aren't ready to consider that your behavior might be bad. 

I asked before what the relationship between your mother and wife has been like and you haven't answered. This would be helpful to know in order to help you out.

But if you want to take the position that your wife is just nasty and you have nothing you could handle differently just annul the marriage and save yourself the aggravation.

What is it want here? Do you want help or just to vent? Either is ok but if you want help you'll need to consider that some of your behavior isn't great. 

You don't control your wife. You do control you. 

Perhaps you and your wife should just put everything on hold while you sort out your feelings and take care of your mother. This is a difficult time. And the fact that you're referring to yourself as an orphan an 22 years old kind of suggests you're not ready to be married anyway. 

Just go enjoy your mother and make sure you tell her whatever you want her to know. It makes the passing just a tad easier, ime.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Tommerz22 said:


> And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.


Have you considered selling the house, and using the money to buy one together?

If she's lived in the same house all of her life, she might like to be able to choose her marital home with her husband.


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## Tommerz22 (Feb 3, 2016)

OpenWindows said:


> Tommerz22 said:
> 
> 
> > And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.
> ...


I have considered it but I am just trying to save as much money as I can for maybe 2 years. I also would rather live in the area that she currently lives in but it costs more money out there fore the same size home which is why I feel it's smarter to stay here for a couple of years.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Tommerz22 said:


> I have considered it but I am just trying to save as much money as I can for maybe 2 years. I also would rather live in the area that she currently lives in but it costs more money out there fore the same size home which is why I feel it's smarter to stay here for a couple of years.


How does your wife feel about all of that? Does she agree with you?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tommerz22 said:


> When I say my wife could have walked away, I am talking about when I was 18 and we already spoke about always being with my mom. She could have walked away back then and she stayed and now wants to give me a headache saying she doesn't want to be at the house and doesn't want to move in and when when she's gone she doesn't want to be here. Reality is she has lived in the same house her whole life and all of her family lives within a quarter mile of eachother and she is used to that. Now she will have to live about 4 miles away. And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.
> 
> And she thinks I love my mother more than her. That is the issue. And like I have said to her, if her mom were dying I surely hope she would love and care for her.
> 
> And again, not even close to being spoiled. And have always been told I am very mature, I have had to grow up pretty fast. Been the man of the house most my life. Dealing with mom being diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer when I was 18 and as an only child without a dad in the house. Now going to lose my mother at 22. Don't question my maturity. You don't know me.



You don't know me either yet you insinuate that your loss is greater. 

You are mature in that you've had to handle a lot of stuff, but emotionally you're not. Your maturity level comes through in your writing. But at 22 you're not expected to be emotionally mature.

If your wife thinks you love mother more there's probably a reason for that as its not a normal reaction. It doesn't even mean it's all your fault, but there is definitely a reason behind it.

You don't want help, I get it. You want to be told that you're right and your wife is nasty. You show no indication that you're open to examining your attitude or behavior. 

You're having a terrible time, I get it. However, this attitude will not serve you well as a married man. 

On that note I will bow out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tom,
When did you two discuss where you would live after getting married? Typically people plan a wedding and in parallel plan the post wedding part of their lives. 

Did you accelerate the wedding so your mom could see you get married? How did she and your fiancee get along over the last 6 years. 

And yes - your wife is jealous. Intensely jealous. Of a woman who will shortly be in the hereafter. 

That's a far bigger deal than you realize. This is not a one time deal. If she's consistent, and MOST people are, your wife is going to try to disrupt all your other relationships over time. 




Tommerz22 said:


> When I say my wife could have walked away, I am talking about when I was 18 and we already spoke about always being with my mom. She could have walked away back then and she stayed and now wants to give me a headache saying she doesn't want to be at the house and doesn't want to move in and when when she's gone she doesn't want to be here. Reality is she has lived in the same house her whole life and all of her family lives within a quarter mile of eachother and she is used to that. Now she will have to live about 4 miles away. And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.
> 
> And she thinks I love my mother more than her. That is the issue. And like I have said to her, if her mom were dying I surely hope she would love and care for her.
> 
> And again, not even close to being spoiled. And have always been told I am very mature, I have had to grow up pretty fast. Been the man of the house most my life. Dealing with mom being diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer when I was 18 and as an only child without a dad in the house. Now going to lose my mother at 22. Don't question my maturity. You don't know me.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

So sorry about your mom. That is a lot to deal with. 

IMO, you & your wife are both being selfish & should consider an annulment because neither of you is ready for the commitment of marriage & all it entails. Marriage is not selfish, it requires that you think/do things with your spouse in mind first & foremost. Neither you or your wife are doing that. 

It sounds like your wife is jealous/resentful of your mom & the devotion you have toward your mom but not her. You have prioritized your mom over her for years due to her illness. Not saying you shouldn't have, I think it's understandable, but if you look at it from your wife's point of view she has always taken a back seat to your mom & her needs. 

You agreed to get your own place with a guest house for your mom but now you are asking her to move into your mom's house instead. I don't think many women would be happy with that. She wants to make a home with you & build a future with you & she will not be able to do that living in your mother's house unless you let her make it her own. It will always be your mother's house even after she passes, you will always have memories of mom there whether you have mom's things around or not. You need to honor your wife's wishes to make a home for you both that she feels is hers too. 

I think your wife is being selfish for not accommodating your needs to care for your dying mother. This is a temporary situation not long term. But perhaps it feels that way to her when you refuse to let her make it her "own" home after your mom is gone. Just something to think about...

You do seem to have an unhealthy devotion to your mom. I get that she's been there for you your whole life when nobody else has, but that's what moms are supposed to do. For you to cut your dad's GF off because of your mom is ridiculous. Just because your mom won't be around to play Grandma doesn't mean that you cut off another person from your child's life because you don't want them to replace her. Children nowadays have many sets of grandparents including those they aren't even blood related to due to remarriage. They are additions not replacements in your child's life & to deny your child having loving people in their life because you are trying to protect your mother's memory is wrong. Honestly I can't understand why your mom would want you to do that either. Your mom should want you to be happy & have loving people in your life. Have you talked to her about any of this? 

Lastly, you both need to remember that your spouse is the one you plan to spend your future with. Your wife needs to understand that this is ONLY a temporary situation & when mom has passed she will have you to herself in the future. However you also need to realize how important it is to consider your wife's feelings & make her a priority. She's your future so you should want to keep her happy if you want to be happy too.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

hotshotdot said:


> Your wife needs to understand that this is ONLY a temporary situation & when mom has passed she will have you to herself in the future. However you also need to realize how important it is to consider your wife's feelings & make her a priority. She's your future so you should want to keep her happy if you want to be happy too.


I think a lot of teenagers / young adults would struggle with this mindset--and it's a necessary one. Think on it, she's been around this since 16, and she's 22 now. That's over 1/4 of her life. It feels like forever. And she probably feels like it will never end.

I don't think the right way to go forward for OP is to say "just hold on honey, mom's gonna die any day now, then you'll have me all to yourself." If anything, I'd probably just lay it out: "Look, my responsibilities are A, B, and C. Is this a problem for you?" If the answer is yes, just annul the marriage. If no, then "Well, you certainly give the impression it is when you say A, B and C; and when you do D, E and F." See what she says back. 

MEM is right OP. We could be wrong about your W--I don't know her, and am just going off what I read here--but it sounds like this may be consistent behavior, and if it is, that is going to be a problem going forward.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I've been in your shoes, except I was a year younger and had a 2 year old child when my mother was dying. My exH was not supportive, either.

I quit my job and don't regret it. It was totally worth being there for her. My mom's been gone for 19 years now and I still look back on those last months, thankful I had that time with her. You can't put a price tag on those last precious memories. 

If you want my $.02, I can't imagine whining about the free house I'm about to get, it's contents, or anything else of that sort while my husbands mother is dying. From the time he became caregiver until she was laid to rest, I'd be concentrating on helping care for my dying MIL and supporting her primary caregiver, my husband.

I don't think I could forgive my spouse being so self-centered during such a painful and difficult time.

Going on your posts and gut instinct, I think you made a mistake in marrying this woman and would be wise to annul it now, concentrate on your mother, grieve when she passes, and then move forward with your life.


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## rachaelm (Feb 4, 2016)

Tommerz22 said:


> When I say my wife could have walked away, I am talking about when I was 18 and we already spoke about always being with my mom. She could have walked away back then and she stayed and now wants to give me a headache saying she doesn't want to be at the house and doesn't want to move in and when when she's gone she doesn't want to be here. Reality is she has lived in the same house her whole life and all of her family lives within a quarter mile of eachother and she is used to that. Now she will have to live about 4 miles away. And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.
> 
> And she thinks I love my mother more than her. That is the issue. And like I have said to her, if her mom were dying I surely hope she would love and care for her.
> 
> And again, not even close to being spoiled. And have always been told I am very mature, I have had to grow up pretty fast. Been the man of the house most my life. Dealing with mom being diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer when I was 18 and as an only child without a dad in the house. Now going to lose my mother at 22. Don't question my maturity. You don't know me.


How much care does your mom require at this time? Can you leave her alone for a little while? Most areas have a grief/bereavement support groups, maybe you could attend one just so you have some support and people to talk to, who know what you're going through. 

As for your wife, I would have a simple conversation with her that lets her know where you stand on how she is acting. Tell her you understand that your mom takes up a lot of your time, that your sorry things are going this way and this isn't how you wanted your marriage to begin either. Tell her that you two have your whole lives to work things out but that it is very important to you to be there for your mom for the next few months and if she causes you problems during this time, that will also affect the rest of your lives. Tell her you need her support right now but bottom line is that your mom comes first, tell her you will try to make it up to her in the future but this is the reality of the situation. 

Try to empathize with your wife and put yourself in her shoes, but in return she needs to put herself in your shoes. If your mom has been sick that long, your wife probably feels like she's been putting her life on hold for years and waiting for you. She's young and still selfish but she probably has some ideal version of how her honeymoon and beginning married life would go and this isn't it. She's not completely wrong and you're not wrong, you are both just going through a very hard time and trying to cope with it. She wants attention from you and you have little to give right now, so try to spend time with her and show an interest in her when you can.

If she doesn't want to live in your mom's house, she doesn't have to, invite her over often for dinner or to watch a movie and make her feel welcome when she is there. Stop by and see her at her parents house when you have a few minutes. Be nice to her and yourself. If she starts making demands, just say 'I'm sorry, honey, I wish things were different, it's hard on me too'. The house, the job, the kids, your dad's girlfriend, none is worth arguing about, it can all be sorted out later. 

Don't worry about your dad and his girlfriend or a job, that's all in the future and will work itself out. You are existing for the present right now and that's all you need to worry about.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

It seems obvious to me that you are a "mommas boy" and your wife sees it. You seem willing to do anything for your mom, everyone else be damned. What does your mother think of your actions? 

My mom would kick my a$$ had I quit my job or spent most of my new married life away from my wife. Does your mother agree you?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## rachaelm (Feb 4, 2016)

Sbrown said:


> It seems obvious to me that you are a "mommas boy" and your wife sees it. You seem willing to do anything for your mom, everyone else be damned. What does your mother think of your actions?
> 
> My mom would kick my a$$ had I quit my job or spent most of my new married life away from my wife. Does your mother agree you?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Did you read the whole thread? :surprise:


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

rachaelm said:


> Did you read the whole thread? :surprise:


I did, did you?

He puts his mother before his wife. He doesn't like his father's SO because it's not his mom. He quit his job so I'm assuming mommy is feeding him and taking care of him financially. Like I said my mother if capable of expressing her opinion as his mother seems to be (she denied hospice) would not allow me to damage the beginning of my life for the end of hers. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## rachaelm (Feb 4, 2016)

Sbrown said:


> I did, did you?
> 
> He puts his mother before his wife. He doesn't like his father's SO because it's not his mom. He quit his job so I'm assuming mommy is feeding him and taking care of him financially. Like I said my mother if capable of expressing her opinion as his mother seems to be (she denied hospice) would not allow me to damage the beginning of my life for the end of hers.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


He got married three days ago, the wife knew his mother is dying and that he is taking care of her til the end, he quit his job to take care of her for the last few months of her life. He doesn't sound like a lazy insensitive moocher and who says his mom even knows what's going on with the wife? I can sympathize with the wife a bit but it's not like he did a bait and switch, she knew all about his mom.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Seems like you jumped into this marriage before thinking. I think you should get an annulment. Someone should've sat you both down and told you some hard truths a long time ago. You aren't compatible. This is a relationship that should've died a natural death imo.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I don't think your mother would want you to quit your dream job -- something you've wanted your whole life -- just to be around her for a few weeks or months. I agree with Sbrown... your mother shouldn't expect this from you. My mother, who died from cancer, would have never allowed me to sacrifice my lifelong dream to play nursemaid for a few weeks.

IMHO, one of the best ways to honor your mother is fulfill your dream and turn out to be the strong young man she raised you to be.

As for the selfish wife, I think you should annul the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce her. Or see if you can get an annulment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Tommerz22 said:


> The 3 biggest dreams my mother had were to see me become a husband, father, and Firefighter.


You keep saying that your mother wanted to see you get married.

You married your wife less than a week ago. But you say the jealously, resentment, selfishness, and refusal to be around your mom has been happening for a long time.

So why did you marry her despite all of that? Did you want to be with this woman, or did you want your mother to see you get married? Were you expecting your wife to change after the wedding?


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## Audrey Rose (Feb 4, 2016)

Hi Tommerz22, I've been at TAM browsing because of my own problems but I read through your thread and I just wanted to comment.

First of all, my heart breaks for you. It's a really tough position to be in with no support. It sounds like you got married and went straight from the altar to your mom's bedside. Did you have a reception, or honeymoon? I know it seems really insignificant due to the circumstances but your wife probably dreamed of planning her wedding and reception - flowers, colors, bridesmaids, food, etc. and she missed out on that. Yeah, I know it's not really important in the grand scheme of things but to young women weddings are a big deal and she's going to be spending the next 10 years going to her friends' weddings and feeling a little stung at not being able to have hers. Selfish, yes. But I remember being 22 and I wasn't very selfless or mature then either.

If you really want to make things work with your wife and not annul or divorce I would suggest planning a little weekend getaway if you can. You take care of all the planning and reservations. That'll make her feel like she can celebrate her wedding and marriage to you. Just the two of you and no talking about your mom for just that one weekend. After the weekend you can tell her that after your mom passes you look forward to spending the rest of your lives together being partners. Maybe you could have a wedding reception for your family next year, that your wife can plan. I only mention this because I know a couple who did exactly what you did. They moved up their wedding so his mom could see them get married. Then a few months later had a reception with friends and family. I know this may sound really dumb and insignificant but I think it would make your wife feel better.

As for your mom. Honor her memory by being a good man. Be strong, kind, selfless, mature. Work hard. Get ahead. Be successful. Raise good kids. Let your life be her legacy. I'm a mom to an only child. If I were dying while she was in the prime of her life I'd want her to fulfill her dreams. If you do get accepted as a firefighter while your mom's alive then take it! She'll get to see her son make that wonderful achievement and I promise she will treasure that, because it would be her achievement too. Everything you do reflects on her as a mom.

If you think your wife is too selfish and shallow then annul as soon as possible so you don't have to have these hurtful feelings while also mourning your mom. You know her best. Think of your future 10, 20, 30 years from now. Will she be able to grow up and mature to be a wonderful wife and mom? Does she really love you deep down and is just really bad at showing her feelings and being spoiled now? Does she have the capability to be a supportive equal partner? If she does, then lean on her now. Tell her you need her emotional support. That's one of the reasons why your married, so you can lean on each other. Good luck to you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

People saying that he shouldn't have quit his job; he can get another job. It's not the end of the world. Unfortunately time with his mother is not something he'll just be able to go and get more of. It's easy to put a great deal of value on working, but placing going out to work above caring for a dying family member when they are near the end, I think you all have your value systems severely screwed up.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Man, I'm stunned at this thread. Some of the harshness from a few veteran posters responses surprised me. I think there is a bunch of projection going on in this thread and I wish OP's wife was posting. I see immaturity on both sides and her impending death has made it worse on both sides.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It probably seems harsh to the OP I guess that some have reacted with the suggestion that he just give up on the marriage now, but from people who have been through the struggles of keeping a marriage together, many feel that going into it with such massive issues is going to make for a few miserable years before inevitable divorce.

However, if the OP and his wife are open to learning about themselves and each other they might be able to overcome those issues. If you're still around OP, try getting a few relationship books now to help you learn how to communicate with her and understand how to make her feel heard, while also learning how to make your own feelings more clear to her. The most important requirement for a successful relationship is honesty imo. It's only when both people are honest about how they are feeling that there is any chance to work through their problems.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Tommerz22 said:


> And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.


I'm afraid you need a heavy-duty reality check here.

You may "inherit" the house but the mortgage will not be passed on down to you the way the house would be. At the time of death of the homeowner, the remaining mortgage amount becomes due in fill. You can apply for another mortgage but you simply cannot take over her mortgage. Since you will not have been working for some time, you will be ineligible for a mortgage. Plus, you would need a down payment and closing costs, which can be significant. Otherwise, the house reverts to the mortgage company. Or have you not thought this far?

Also, since you are not working, only your wife is, she is having to support you and your mother on her salary. There is no way she could save enough for a down payment and closing costs while paying utilities, food costs and the existing mortgage. Or do you plan on not paying the current mortgage and letting it go into foreclosure?

As for your possibly getting hired by the large fire department, if you turn that down, there are no do-overs. You will have lost your shot with them.

You seem fond of "discussing" things with your wife then arbitrarily changing things no matter what your wife thinks or wants. I doubt you discussed your quitting your job to take care of your mother but you went ahead and did it, expecting your poor wife to pick up the slack.

Your priority is your wife. You made vows to her or did you have your fingers crossed when you promised to _Leave-and-Cleave_? Your mother may not want hospice but expecting you to quit your job to devote yourself to her is incredibly selfish of her. Since your mother didn't have a husband, she may feel your wife shouldn't get one either; you are your mother's surrogate spouse and she is not going to let anyone take you away from her.

You need to get some third party factual advice and move your marriage to the front burner or do your wife a *HUGE* favor and split.

IamSomebody


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## rachaelm (Feb 4, 2016)

How are you doing @Tommerz22 ?


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## loandbehold (Feb 8, 2016)

Hi, this is my first post but I wanted to say that I've been in a similar position and I am the wife. 

In short, my husband was and still is 100% devoted to his mother's care. He is the eldest son in an Asian family (filial piety is very serious). Being a loving, grateful and devoted son isn't just his duty, it's been ingrained in him since birth. It is part of his very identity. His mother suffered to raise him well, and he loves her very deeply for that. He has one sister who left the country two decades ago, so he's really the only one to take care of his parents.

Shortly after we married, my husband's father died. He passed away suddenly while we were on our honeymoon, and wanting to support my husband as best I could, I got us on the next flight back. I told him whatever help he needed to take care of his mother - she is severely mentally ill and heavily medicated - i will stand by him. 

Back home and after the funeral, we gave up our happy little newlywed home to move into his mother's place, and my whole life was turned upside down. In that home I lived by one rule, "Don't upset Mummy." 

I wish I could say I was Mary Poppins with a spoon full of sugar, but honestly the whole living situation was a nightmare for oh so many reasons. It was hard for my husband, too. He felt pulled between the two most important women in his life. 

We eventually went to a counselor and we wisely chose an Asian man who was older, like a father figure, and who was able to help my husband cope. Here's basically what he said:

It's wonderful that you love your mother and absolutely the right thing to take care of her. However, you also love your wife and have chosen to make a commitment to her. So how do you honor both your mother and your wife? Your mother raised you, but you are no longer a boy. You have chosen to marry, so you must be a husband first. Take care of your wife's needs first, and then the two of you, together, can take care of your mother. If your wife is certain without a doubt that you are devoted to her, then she will not feel threatened by your feelings for your mother and will be happy and proud to stand by your side in her loving care.

And that's basically how it's done. Loving your wife does not take away love from your mother. It doubles the love you have to give to her. And wouldn't your mother feel peace to know that you will be happy and taken care of after she is gone? 

I am sorry for all you have to go through, for your mother's illness and for your wife's struggles.


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## wopette (Mar 8, 2017)

Okay, so I've read the all the posts...Here's my thoughts on the whole thing. 

Neither of you were ready for the commitment of marriage. I'm sure the two of you are great as a couple going out together, but that's not a marriage. 

You're both very young, and both of you are independently minded. Neither of you are working with each other, you're both digging in your heels to do it your own way. That's not a marriage. 

You are putting your duty as a son before your duty as a husband..That's not a marriage. 

She (your wife) is putting herself before you as a wife.. That's not a marriage. 

Your mother, who is sick, has chosen to NOT go into hospice and depends on you for her care. Regardless of how your wife feels. That's not a marriage. 

You and your wife are not in the same book right now, never mind on the same page. 

Your wife resents your mothers illness, and your attention it takes away from her. She's a new bride, new brides don't think of sick mother in laws. They think of their new marital home, their new life with her husband, future plans. The fact she CANT put these to the side for you, shows she's not ready to be anyone's wife. 

The fact that your mother won't go into hospice, and you're not willing to budge on being her caretaker means that you're not ready to be anyone's husband at this time. 

So, you and your young wife need to sit down and take some stock in each other..The vow is for better or for worse. 

You need to tell your wife how you feel about how she's treating the impending death of your mother, that you do not feel supported, etc. 

Then you need to close your mouth and listen to your wife about the fact that your mother is the center of your universe and that it's leaving her as a third wheel in her own marriage to YOU. 

Then you two need to decide if you can both over come these things to work out a compromise regarding the house, working, how mom is cared for, if it's too much to handle with mom being sick, then YOU need to man up and tell this girl you can't be what she needs. A Husband to HER. 

A marriage is when you each can put the other before SELF...If you two sit down and agree you're not doing that for each other, and really don't want to do that for each other at this time...It will take an incredible load off both of you to admit it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm locking this thread because Tommerz22 has not been here for a while. If he returns he can PM me or anther mod to reopen the thread.


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