# just one aspect of the damage



## lostnsad (Sep 23, 2013)

So. I have been thinking about just one comparison of how it feels to have been cheated on.* As the BH there are so many things that run through your head on a daily basis, maybe even hourly or by the minute.* One of the hardest things to deal with us how she could do the things she did and come back to me, tell me she loved me and even go as far as make love to me. They had the choice.* They knew what they were doing. He chose to share a woman with another man. She chose to share herself with two men.* I have been trying to think of how to explain to my wife what this would be like. Of course this only covers one very minor part of it. But here I go, as this is the best I could come up with for a psychological aspect of just one thing she did during her six month affair. 

Think about your tooth brush.* You only have one.* Now imagine that it is the best youth brush you have ever had maybe even the only one.* Ignore the fact that you are supposed to get a new one every three months. You love it.* It's the best brush in town.* It's the only one you will ever use.* You will never buy another. This will be the one you take to the grave with you.* So every morning you brush your teeth.* And your spouse is there with you.* She is brushing her teeth next to you. Over time the brush begins to fade.* It gets older and worn but it still works great. It's still the best you have ever had and any suggestion of getting a new one is quickly dismissed.* Suddenly though you notice a funny taste, a discolored tone to it.* You ignore it and still use it, after all it's old faithful, and it still brushes good.* Then one day your wife comes to you and says "I've been using your tooth brush to clean the public restrooms in central park". Oh wait!* "For the last six months"

So.* Your wife, of fourteen years, has sat there and watched you brush your teeth with something that has been used to clean toilets and scrub floors in a public restroom.* She sat there, said nothing, watched you do it, day after day after day and said nothing. It wasn't a high school prank.* It wasn't kids being kids.* Or best friends screwing with each other.* It was your wife.* The one you trust to watch out for you. 

But see this is only the beginning.* Now you have to make a decision.* Do you keep that tooth brush? You know you will never be able to replace it.* But at the same time you know where it's been, you know what it's been used for.* It's tainted.* It still works, it still is the best you have ever had and you will never find another like it.* And here is where the psychological part comes in. This is where it haunts you.* If you choose to keep it.* Every time you pick it up to put it in your mouth you think about where it was.* You think about what it was used for.* You think about what it did.* You can clean it.* You can restore it to its former glory.* But you will always know where it's been. You will always hesitate before you put it in your mouth. You will always fight back the thoughts of how abhorrent it truly is. But you know it's clean. You know it's not going to harm you any more.* But it doesn't matter.* Your mind plays with you.* It tells you what it did. It tells you where it's been.* It forms pictures, and scenes.* It relates the tooth brush to licking the urinal.* It relates it to filth and disease.* But at the same time you know it's all in your head.* You cleaned it. You guard it closely.* But the thoughts are always there.* The images never go away. They torment you. They taunt you. Every time you look at it you are reminded. 

So. This is one aspect of one thing my wife did in a six month affair.* She gave him oral sex.* Every time I kiss her. Every time I look at her. I have to fight my mind. I have to fight through and try to forget not only what I did put in my mouth, but what I still am.* Even though now it may be clean the mind plays games. The mind throws up warnings. It relates the brush to danger. And I have to fight through, I have to reason through that it is ok, that the danger is no longer real. 

This is only one aspect of one thing she did. I can't even begin to describe the thoughts and feelings of the fact that she knew what she was doing and allowed me to touch her. There is no way to describe the sense of betrayal, and her knowing where her mouth was and still kissing me afterwards. There are a million and I mean literally a million different aspects to what she did. This only covers one psychological part of one of those aspects.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I totally get it. Do you have kids? She shared her OM penis mouth when she kissed them too. Is she remorseful? Does she even realize how grotesque she has made herself?

I wouldn't put up with it. Divorce can clean some of her filth up. Do you need to stay married to such a disgusting person? Honestly, I can guarantee she is not the best. The best women are not lying wh0res that harm their families to make their crotch happy.

Feel for your pain man. Are you committed to reconciliation? How about giving her a copy of your post and make her read it to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lostnsad (Sep 23, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I totally get it. Do you have kids? She shared her OM penis mouth when she kissed them too. Is she remorseful? Does she even realize how grotesque she has made herself?
> 
> I wouldn't put up with it. Divorce can clean some of her filth up. Do you need to stay married to such a disgusting person? Honestly, I can guarantee she is not the best. The best women are not lying wh0res that harm their families to make their crotch happy.
> 
> ...


We are going to make this work. She is remorseful. She is trying so hard. Yes we have four kids. I am just looking for a way to express just a little of what goes on in a BS head. The WS can never understand, just like I can never understand how a person could bring themselves to do this. We are nine months out from dday. I know we have a long way to go. We are at the point where it is all in my head. The A is over. We are better than ever. Now I just have to deal with my thoughts. That is what this post is about. My thoughts and what I have to deal with and every BS deals with as they try to rebuild their marriage.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The idea that you can't replace the toothbrush is as faulty as the notion that it is the best you can get.


----------



## lostnsad (Sep 23, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> The idea that you can't replace the toothbrush is as faulty as the notion that it is the best you can get.



I have chosen not to replace it. I'm fully aware. That is party of the analogy. That you choose to keep it but this is the burden that comes with that choice


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

I understand. I chose to replace the toothbrush. 

It was tough to read.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I hope you share these thoughts with your wife. 9months is not that long. It is not all in your head. If you had your arm blown off by a shotgun 9months ago, you could say that the shooting is over but your still going to be healing and your arm will still be gone. She had better damn well be making it work for you!

Your pain and disgust is not just in your head. Your wife is responsible for it all. Very sorry she did this crappy thing to you and your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> The idea that you can't replace the toothbrush is as faulty as the notion that it is the best you can get.


To be fair you can't get the same toothbrush again. The analogy (or is it a metaphor or simile? :scratchhead: ) maybe breaks down there because this particular toothbrush is the mother of his children and they have many shared memories.

Having said that, I bet there are better toothbrushes out there and I know from direct toothbrush (and I mean toothbrush) experience that a new one feels great!


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Wow. 

After reading that, I can safely say that I never want to have sex with ANYONE ever again! 

And, I'm the BS! 

Vega


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

lostnsad said:


> Think about your tooth brush.*


Infidelity is not unlike a practical joke.

They are humiliating
No one thinks they are funny except the perpetrators
They make bystanders uncomfortable
They are destructive
They erode trust
They are childish

Infidelity is not unlike that. You more or less, along with your partner in crime, hang a big "kick me" sign on your spouse's back for months on end, giggling in secret.

Until your spouse finds the sign on their back.

Most people that see the sign just say nothing, they "don't want to get involved"... 

Even after they get caught, the perpetrators just giggle to themselves even more.

It's pretty sick.


----------



## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Why are you staying with her? If a woman has **** breath from another dude no man should tolerate it. Sorry to be crass but your analogy is accurate, and it should sicken you. Enough to leave, anyway.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

DarkHoly said:


> Why are you staying with her? If a woman has **** breath from another dude no man should tolerate it. Sorry to be crass but your analogy is accurate, and it should sicken you. Enough to leave, anyway.


I've just taken some time to check back through your posts DarkHoly.

I would advise anyone else to do the same before taking your "advice".


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

lostnsad said:


> We are going to make this work. She is remorseful. She is trying so hard. Yes we have four kids. I am just looking for a way to express just a little of what goes on in a BS head. The WS can never understand, just like I can never understand how a person could bring themselves to do this. We are nine months out from dday. I know we have a long way to go. We are at the point where it is all in my head. The A is over. We are better than ever. Now I just have to deal with my thoughts. That is what this post is about. My thoughts and what I have to deal with and every BS deals with as they try to rebuild their marriage.


You aren't supposed to be dealing with those alone.

You AND your cheating spouse are supposed to go through your setbacks and hers together as a couple.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lostnsad said:


> We are at the point where it is all in my head.


Why? 

Why would you do this?


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> 9months is not that long. It is not all in your head. If you had your arm blown off by a shotgun 9months ago, you could say that the shooting is over but your still going to be healing and your arm will still be gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Oh great. Just when I had about forgotten about my arm, and was only upset about the cheating....


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I absolutely get it!


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Oh great! Now I will never look at my tooth brush the same way ever again...

-sammy

...the only difference, is his penis was my toothbrush, yikes !!!!


----------



## lostnsad (Sep 23, 2013)

turnera said:


> Why?
> 
> Why would you do this?


You have me confused. Why would I do what? Post this? I was having a conversation with my sister in law who is experiencing the same thing as me. We were talking about how the WS will never understand the thoughts and pain they have caused. This is for all WS to read. To just have the slightest idea of what goes through a BS's head. Unless it has happened to you, there is no way to truly understand. But this is at least a glimpse of it, just a glimpse on the periphery of what is really going on in my head and the damage caused.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, why are you leaving it all in your head? Why is this not at least a weekly topic of discussion between you and your spouse? How can you reconcile if the former cheater isn't aware of the pain and work you are going through to get through it?


----------



## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Good analogy. On the spot with me. After 4 years trying to R, I had to toss that old toothbrush myself. After all that we went through together, it just couldn't hold up to the way it once was and in its current shape, it never would.


----------



## lostnsad (Sep 23, 2013)

turnera said:


> No, why are you leaving it all in your head? Why is this not at least a weekly topic of discussion between you and your spouse? How can you reconcile if the former cheater isn't aware of the pain and work you are going through to get through it?


We do talk. We work together constantly. I hold things in at times when I know I shouldn't but they always work their way to the surface. But I can't help the thoughts that come to my head. I can only control what I do with them I can choose to dwell on them or put them to rest by either talking about it or dismissing it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's said that it takes 2 to 5 years for these thoughts to finally recede. Make sure she is aware of that.


----------



## lostnsad (Sep 23, 2013)

I truly believe she is in it for the long haul. I have seen nothing coming close to her wavering in her resolve to be here for me and do everything she can to help me through. I'm not saying she hasn't gotten frustrated, but that is more With herself than anything. We both know this is going to take time, and a lot of work. Things have gotten better already. I see a huge difference in myself since dday. There are the obvious good days and bad days. But improvement is there.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I totally get it. 22 months out and I still have these thoughts and feelings EVERY DAY and I have the most remorseful, totally transparent, loving, FWH ever who calls, texts, holds, caresses, reassures, shouts my name from the rooftops to anyone who will listen, and it totally KILLS him when he sees me trigger. Still...I think about it every day, nearly just exactly as you describe.

And, regarding your VERY accurate analogy...May I just say,

"EEEWWWWWWW":rofl:


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I encourage you to share all your feelings, good and bad, with your wife. One thing TAM has taught me is the importance of letting my wife into my heart. Communicating feelings is paramount to get closer with your wife. It will help you by letting out the poison that she put there. It will help her to know what is going on in your heart. 

Also, the more you get rid of the vile feelings you have and she helps you through it, the more often good feelings will be available to share with her as well.

I use to think like you a bit. I just held stuff in if it was negative and endured. When I finally started sharing my negative feelings in a constructive manner, there was pain, but also we became much closer. I had let her in. It improved everything from our communication to our sexuality as well.


----------



## lostnsad (Sep 23, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I use to think like you a bit. I just held stuff in if it was negative and endured. When I finally started sharing my negative feelings in a constructive manner, there was pain, but also we became much closer. I had let her in. It improved everything from our communication to our sexuality as well.


I am trying so hard to do that. Every time I do I feel a sense of relief. It feels good. But I am always so afraid I am being spiteful, hateful, and resentful. I know in many aspect I deserve to be. But that isn't who I want to be. But I am trying. I open up more and more all the time. But again it is always very cautiously. We have both caused so much hurt through harmful words over the years. I am so cautious about ending up back in that place. I don't think we will, but that trust hasn't been fully established. I have a lot of fear about my own thoughts. I know what I need to do. And we are both working at it. We will get there. It's a time consuming journey. But we work at it every day, together.


----------

