# Terrified of Ex Wife



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi all,

The title says it all. Short story, have been divorced 8 months.

I have beaten myself to death with my actions, inaction and dealt with all the grief, sadness, pain, sorrow and everything else that the horrible 'D' word brings and all the things that I did to upset now EXW. My heart still hurts, and as my user name implies I have Changed Forever.

She has full custody of out 2 year old boy. They live interstate. I see my boy on Skype every (most) Saturdays.

I guess my question TAMMERS, and it is going to sound stupid but I am *petrified* of my ex. I started becoming scared to come home after work to her before they left.

Every communication, email, the sound of her voice damages me emotionally, even when I thought I was completely broken. After Skype, I have nightmares for a few days after. I am scared of how else she will hurt me, because she enjoys it. Sometimes I dream that she is evil. The Devil in human form. 

I have no friends of family here so therefore I have nothing else to focus on. This has totally destroyed any trust I have in people, so trying to make friends is out of the question.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? 

To have someone you once loved deeply, become so cruel, where they are just relentless in hurting you?

Thanks to anyone who cares to reply.

FC


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hey Dan, 

Haven't heard from you in a while. I'm sorry to see you're still focused on your ex. I was hoping you would have forgiven yourself for the cause of those things that happened before, and moved on to doing things that would make you happier. 

How is the boy by the way?

Best


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think you need to get into IC to handle this. You end to Skype with your son so you need have some contact with her at least once a week. 

Meeting other people might actually be a good thing for you to do. Right now she has such control over you because she is the only person apparently that you interact with socially. Get more friends and her hold over you will diminish.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Find your kilaminjaro, bud.

Kinda vague, I know, but you need to conquer your mountain of fear.

Find that mountain. Climb it. Conquer it. Then use your mental pick axe to destroy the shat out of it.

Hopefully some IC can help you climb it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I agree you need some IC. Not all people are the same and thinking everyone would treat you like your x is irrational. Get some help on your social anxieties and I bet any fear you have of her will subside. Making some new friends and trying new things will help you become the new person that you need to move on.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Forever Changed - MOST if not ALL of our worries/fears are simply JUST THAT and nothing else.

How many of your worries/fears have actually came true? 

Look, your wife will verbally abuse you and continue to do damage to you AS MUCH AS YOU LET HER.

Since you guys are divorced now, the ONLY communication from her that you should be listening to is about your child.

ANYTHING beyond that = ignore

You also need to set the stage for above and when she starts yapping about anything else, you stop her and tell her "if it's not about our child, I don't want to hear it"

Basically, it's kind of like a child/parent relationship. Your ex is childish and immature.

Child will do whatever it is that sets off a trigger in their parents. It simply tell them that they have the power to dictate your behavior/emotion.

They will use it against you as long as it works.

So what you need to do is simply ignore it and show her that NOTHING that she can possibly say has any effect on you AT ALL. I mean NOTHING. 

Simply do not show any emotion or care about ANYTHING other than your child.

The more you feed her with behavior from the past, the more you are going to get that type of behavior.

Best way to fight your enemy is to IGNORE THEM!!!!

PS. I know it's not easy, and I will tell you right now I have this problem with my children (they know how to push my buttons....but that's because I allow them to > my fault).

Good luck


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

:iagree: with DoF.

What exactly are you afraid of that will happen when you talk to your ex?

IMO there's no way she can hurt you anymore... except via your child? Is that it?

It may also be a pavlovian reaction b/c she has hurt you many times in the past (think Theon Greyjoy AKA Reek...).

Agree with other posters, IC should sort this out.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Forever Changed said:


> This has totally destroyed any trust I have in people, so trying to make friends is out of the question.


Yet, you must. In order to break free from your wife's oppression, you have to push your comfort zone with others and find people who are kind and hang out with them. You have to do this. 



Forever Changed said:


> To have someone you once loved deeply, become so cruel, where they are just relentless in hurting you?


I've had all kinds of messed up things happen. As one example, my father believed I was not his and that my mom had cheated on him. As a result, he punished me for being happy for my entire childhood, until I left home. He never revealed the cause of his insecurity to anyone until after I had left home. I had no idea. I loved my father, as all kids do, and was confused and greatly hurt from him treating me how he did. But I had nothing else to compare it to, because I have only had the one life and the one father. I thought our family was normal, because I'd never seen how other families worked. 

As I said, I've had other bad things from people, too. In fact, it was not until I was 16-years old that I finally met some people my age who did not try to hurt me for their own amusement.


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

I feel terribly for you. When married, you're literally one with the other person in many ways. And if truly bonded, you're more vulnerable to your spouse than anyone else, so it makes a lot of sense that you have such pain and intense fear, etc., when you're in contact with her. Many here have already said it, but it's worth repeating... you really would benefit from counseling. I hope you'll invest the time and money to do this for yourself. HUGS to you!

~ Seek the Light ~


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MSP said:


> I've had all kinds of messed up things happen. As one example, my father believed I was not his and that my mom had cheated on him. As a result, he punished me for being happy for my entire childhood, until I left home. He never revealed the cause of his insecurity to anyone until after I had left home. I had no idea. I loved my father, as all kids do, and was confused and greatly hurt from him treating me how he did. But I had nothing else to compare it to, because I have only had the one life and the one father. I thought our family was normal, because I'd never seen how other families worked.
> 
> As I said, I've had other bad things from people, too. In fact, it was not until I was 16-years old that I finally met some people my age who did not try to hurt me for their own amusement.


How sad, MSP. So sorry to hear this. And so glad you have been able to work through it.

OP, please take note of this. It _is _possible to overcome your fear and sorrow.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

jld said:


> How sad, MSP. So sorry to hear this. And so glad you have been able to work through it.


Yeah, I'm still pretty messed up. 

The good news is that my parents are awesome now and we have a very good relationship. We've all changed.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Dan..... sorry for the thread bump. How ya been doing?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

This ---> MOST if not ALL of our worries/fears are simply JUST THAT and nothing else. - DoF

You must learn to see this for yourself. Keep questioning your current beliefs. Many of them are likely false. I know it's likely you can't get to counseling. Keep fighting those false beliefs each time they rear their ugly head. 

The nightmares will, if they have not, subside when you finally realize you are still worth something. When you finally realize that you are a piece among many of the puzzle of life. Without you, the world would not be the same.

I think doing your best to find new friends, if that is at all possible, is the best thing to do. Even if those friends are just people you talk with on a limited basis for now. Take baby steps toward finding some peace and joy through friends, acquaintances, fellow workers at your place of employment, and anyone else you find along the way. 

Try not to place the burden of some huge goal on your shoulders to do all of this. Let things happen just one word or sentence at a time. Take it real slow. 

Hope you are doing better. I don't remember seeing this when you started it. I must have been in the middle of my own little crisis.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

my grandfather would say, "What if's borrowin' trouble"


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Forever Changed said:


> Hi all,
> 
> The title says it all. Short story, have been divorced 8 months.
> 
> ...


LOL. I felt the same way. Like the alpha predator devil was all in this 5% clan and she was in it, and they were targeting me.

Thing about it is if someone changes your viewpoint they change what you see.

You need to not see the devils like her, and mind you many of them exist, but realize there are other people in the world who won't put you in harms way.

You made a mistake getting with her, people make mistakes.

Can you forgive yourself and move forward?

And you cannot afford to be scared. I don't think the wife is going to affect you if you don't communicate with her, but if she did, you have to stand up foir yourself. She's a human being relying on you to be "WEAK". That's her game.

Make herself feel "STRONG" by making you feel "WEAK". Don't ever allow amy woman or man to do that to you!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sheez bro, if I was in the vicinity this is what I'll drill into you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gqwi7Y96sk


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

if he were not far away, me and my ol runnin buddy would take him out

yes there is life after one Medusa


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your replies.

I have had to walk away from my boy. My only hope is that when he gets older he may reach out to me, in months or years to come, if I am still of this earth. 

My life is now trying to get through the day in one piece.

Skype is useless now. All she does is just dump him in front of the monitor. 

When I think of him, I don't feel anything. 

I shall be returning home to live with my mama in December.

To live the rest of my days out in peace and quiet.

To get through the days, knowing that one day, beautiful Heaven awaits.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I've seen some of your previous posts and I feel for the immense pain you've felt. I've endured the same many years ago. For me it lasted for several years. I want you to know that it will not always be that way. I really want to encourage you and give you hope.

Your emotions get numb from the pain and it's easy to assume it will never change. That's wrong. You'll heal and your feelings for your son will revive and you'll someday know the exquisite joy that awaits you with him. 

Someday you'll realize just how weak your ex wife is and that your experience will have served to make you into a man your son will be proud of. 

Decades ago, when I was in your shoes, I came really close to killing myself several times to escape the pain. Today I am grateful for the agony I went through because it changed me into something vastly better and happier. 

Please have faith and hope. It's always darkest before the dawn.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Dan if you recall there were several guys from the "Fall of '12"

you, me, Gut Punch, ReGroup, Zillard, Ceegee

some dealt with it faster than others, we all have our own pace

one thing that helped all of us was.....posting here

we're all here to help you


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Bravery is not the absence of fear. It's following a course of action in the face of fear. 

You say interactions with your ex scare you. Don't let that interfere with your relationship with your son. Do whatever you have to do to make those calls each week. Make arrangements to take him away on vacation. You should be in your son's life as much as possible. If that means you have to be scared the whole time so be it. He didn't do anything to deserve losing his father. 

Sorry you're having so much trouble. I think we all have our own difficulties to varying degrees. The most important thing...as always...is the well being of the children.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Last night I had the most graphic, graphic realistic dream that my exw was in a threesome with 2 young good looking guys doing things that she would never have done with me. I woke up and felt totally indifferent. Couldn't have cared one single, single shred. I'm 100% sure she is with someone now anyone, so I have heard.

I am thinking about this dream now and I still feel nothing. Just like a 'whatever' feeling. Just like 'meh'. Truly, God's honest truth.

Does this mean I could finally be over her?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sounds like you're further along the road to detachment than you realized, Dan. Good for you! Doesn't it feel a bit better?


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

It feels good.

I feel ... free.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Good to read that Dan. Live for you. Live the way you want. There's no wrong way. Search for your new dream. Force yourself to go out and do, well, anything. Just try to laugh a little. Try to have just a little selfish fun and laughter. You are doing good. I'm so glad. Keep going, through any difficulties. Fear can be worked through, if you educate yourself to what you are afraid of and what options you have. The more options you have, the easier things become. Keep living in today. Live, laugh and love yourself, for today alone. It's all we really have. Isn't it? You are a good man Dan.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Gahhhhh!

I just found out that EXW has a new fellow and it hurt so much! He looks just like me. Made my heart nearly pop out of my chest and I almost fainted! Same age as me! I didn't think it would hurt so much! For the first time, I stalked her on FB ......

What the hell was I thinking?????????? For God's sake I don't find her attractive in the slightest, I will always remember how she hurt me so very very deeply!

I'm a damn fool!


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I should smash myself with a 2 x 4 over and over again!


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

And yet, I'm kind of calm. Like it hurt when I saw it, but somehow I looked at it with a sense of detachment from somewhere deep inside. Kinda like I was just looking at some girl I don't know with her other half. Conflicted. 

But I have a new life now, I have moved away from the place she left me.

I don't want to be one of these poor men that can't get over it after years and years.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Hey Dan! I don't think you are a fool. We, as humans, are weak and cannot completely forget those good feelings and attachments we had, barring some brain damage. Delete your browser history. Write about all the things she did to you and take the paper outside and burn it safely. Write to her what you wish you could say in it's entirety and when you are done, burn it safely outside. Write a letter to yourself as if you were counseling a very close friend on the matter. Do the same with it as the others when you are done.

Well, those are my thoughts on it. Maybe someone can critique that and give other suggestions. Don't get in trouble. If you aren't allowed or it's unsafe to burn, tear them up in little pieces and take them out to the garbage, don't leave them inside.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks 2NT, I will do that. I just can't believe I did that. Like a moment of weakness and something took over that I HAD to look. Was kinda obsessed. I've blocked all and sundry and deleted all history and changed what was necessary.

One thing that I am very proud of, and I don;t think I have mentioned before, is that I NEVER pleaded, never begged, never drunk texted like a pathetic fool. I'm proud of that. 

But it is a shock to the system to see your one true love with someone else. But I guess, I wish her well and I hope he is a good man.

And yet, they live hundreds of miles from each other. 

Just how we met ... interesting. But what do I care. I shouldn't even be thinking of her.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Forever Changed said:


> Thanks 2NT, I will do that. I just can't believe I did that. Like a moment of weakness and something took over that I HAD to look. Was kinda obsessed. I've blocked all and sundry and deleted all history and changed what was necessary.
> 
> One thing that I am very proud of, and I don;t think I have mentioned before, is that I NEVER pleaded, never begged, never drunk texted like a pathetic fool. I'm proud of that.
> 
> But it is a shock to the system to see your one true love with someone else. But I guess, I wish her well and I hope he is a good man.


Good for you Dan. We all have moments of weakness.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Forever Changed said:


> Gahhhhh!
> 
> I just found out that EXW has a new fellow and it hurt so much! He looks just like me. Made my heart nearly pop out of my chest and I almost fainted! Same age as me! I didn't think it would hurt so much! For the first time, I stalked her on FB ......
> 
> ...


trust me...... you should feel sorry for that guy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you started to get out and make friends yet? You really need to do this.

Check out the site Find your people - Meetup. It's not a dating site. It's a site that has interesting things going on in your area. You can go and meet people who do the same things you like doing. No pressure, just a good time.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I wouldn't beat yourself up. If you could just forget about your former spouse it would indicate you weren't really that attached. It takes time. 

There is a certain amount of jealousy in the beginning when you see them with someone else...probably not so much that you are hurt that someone else is with them as you worry they're moving on and maybe you're not. 

It will get better with time. In my mind best thing to do is occupy your time with family and friends doing things you enjoy. There's a chance while doing that you'll 'bump' into someone special with similar interests to you. If not...it's not like it's time wasted.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I had Skype on Saturday, I caught a glimpse of her and I swear to God that she has aged 10 years. I was completely shocked. She was lined and wrinkled, and as usual looked very angry, but more than usual. She honestly looked like she was in her 40's.

Weird. I thought she would be happy and fresh now that she has a new man.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

We don't know what personal demons she is dealing with. Maybe she sees that her life is not what she thought it would be? Maybe things aren't as easy as she was told they would be? Maybe she believed things that were not true, to justify her decisions and to find compassion from those who tried to convince her of what to do? Maybe she ate a bad burrito? Maybe we will never know? 

How are you? Hopefully getting along well and doing things that give you peace and keep you interested. Anything you are doing that is fun? Doesn't have to be life changing or earth shattering. Simple things can be satisfying.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Forever Changed said:


> I had Skype on Saturday, I caught a glimpse of her and I swear to God that she has aged 10 years. I was completely shocked. She was lined and wrinkled, and as usual looked very angry, but more than usual. She honestly looked like she was in her 40's.
> 
> Weird. I thought she would be happy and fresh now that she has a new man.


maybe.....just maybe the karma bus finally hit it's mark...


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think the lines were always there. When you were in love with her you didn't see them. Finally you're starting to see her objectively as you disengage. I think it's a good sign in terms of moving on.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Last night I dreamt about EXW and I was angry. Angry, angry. I dreamt that I was trying to have some photos taken with my boy and she was rushing me, I was trying to explain that I hadn't had a shower yet and I wasn't ready. Next thing I was just yelling, yelling F*** YOU! F*** YOU! at the top of my lungs (in my dream). I wasn't sure if I was actually yelling for real. I never get angry, but I was just YELLING. Yelling with all my soul. Because she took my baby. Then I saw her happily prancing along with her new man, but this didn't bother me.

But then, I woke up and could have sworn that she was holding me in bed. I felt so very comforted, but then I remembered that she is gone.

I'm pretty shaken. These dreams about her are becoming more frequent.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I am no psychologist, but I think it means you are working through all the crap. I think it means your brain is finding solutions for things you are confused about. 

I really hope or wish you would go to counseling and talk about this stuff there. A professional could work through this stuff with you and help you heal faster. Someone like me could just confuse you more. I don't want that.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I am a head doc.... seriously seek IC.... get AD meds if you need to

I hurt from the loss of UG but, it's on her and not me

I am "subjected" to dating older women who want to get their freak on

fun.... oh yeah...not to mention my reconnects... living free

but somewhere there is a gal.... who will..... want me to settle down


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

But I like your advice 2NT, I neither trust doctors nor psychologists anymore. You help very, very much.

Time, time, time. 

But you know what? I can thank her for waking me up, showing me what the world is really like and how people truly are. 

You see I went through 35 years of thinking that the world was full of wonders, people were good, I was so trusting, naive and loving. Now I know the truth. And now that I know how it is, life is simply a matter of survival now. Keeping the wolves at bay. Knowing what threats are immediate, and the level of danger I am in during each moment. 

So for that I thank her.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

sometimes......perception becomes reality


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> but somewhere there is a gal.... who will..... want me to settle down


Bro, do you want to go down that track again?

My firm belief is that they WILL leave, whether it be in a week, a year or 10 years ... they WILL leave.

I'm sure as hell not going through that again.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Yes, perception becomes reality. 

And perhaps it has always been that way, until it takes something like we have all been through to help is see the that the world is a terrible place, and people can and will hurt you.

A man needs to be wary. Very wary.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I would pull a Conrad but, I want you to sit on what you just said.....


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

So basically guys, take care of yourselves and yourself ONLY. Every man for himself. No one is going to help, no one is coming to save, no one will be there for you. 

In this world, you can only depend on yourself. Because as harsh as it sounds, no one cares and no one understands. Just gotta get through each day in one piece.

Stay strong my friends. Be vigilant.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

best of luck brother


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Same to you all.

Take care.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Forever Changed said:


> But I like your advice 2NT, I neither trust doctors nor psychologists anymore. You help very, very much.
> 
> Time, time, time.
> 
> ...


Well, thanks, but I don't want you to be stuck any more. You seem to be improving some, but it is taking quite a bit of time. I know, if you can find a counselor that you can trust, it will help. I've found one. He has helped me some. It would likely be faster, but I am not doing my part as much as I should. It took a long time to trust him. Much of it was allowing myself to be a little vulnerable. That's not easy and best done under supervision when it's as bad as it was for me. 

He is helping me by letting me set the pace to some extent, while trying to teach me some new coping skills. He doesn't have an easy job. I am pretty closed off to life, except here at TAM. How healthy is it for me to type behind a screen thousands of miles away from the audience? I don't know. i don't think it's great, but it's helped me some. I think it's hindered some, too. I don't blame anyone, but myself for that. 

I am hoping beyond all hope, that you will heal and return to a happy life with healthy vulnerability and courage to live a little. That's what counselors help with. They can't fix it by themselves and they can't fix everything. They sure can make it easier to get as close as you can to being a whole man again. That's not an insult, either. I'm not whole yet, myself. I'm a work in progress.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Forever Changed said:


> Yes, perception becomes reality.
> 
> And perhaps it has always been that way, until it takes something like we have all been through to help is see the that the world is a terrible place, and people can and will hurt you.
> 
> A man needs to be wary. Very wary.


I'm pulling out of this slowly with the help of my counselor. I fall back to this because it's a safe place for me to hide. 

Don't stay away too long. We do care. It's hard to tell sometimes. That's part of what needs healed.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

And you know what really pisses me off?

Is that she can take our boy to NZ at Easter (I was forced to sign the passport application) without even asking if we were planning to see him during those holidays.

And, that she can fly overseas with him and her new man but, ooohh noo, she can't make the short interstate flight with him to see his father and grandmother.

Oh well, no use being angry about it.

As usual, it is what it is.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Forever Changed said:


> And you know what really pisses me off?
> 
> Is that she can take our boy to NZ at Easter (I was forced to sign the passport application) without even asking if we were planning to see him during those holidays.
> 
> ...


Anger is what shows when something else is wrong. You will have to think about what that might be and how you can change yourself in thought or deed to change your perspective. 

If you wanted, you could have said that you would not sign. That would not have been a good thing to do, in my opinion, only an option.

What I read in your post was that you are envious of her ability to do things that you knew she wanted or just discovered and never had the ablity to provide. That isn't her fault. You really can't blame yourself for that. You can only work to make as much money as you can by doing what makes you happy in combination with what you have talent and education. 

You have not let go of her. I didn't expect it. Sometimes making a list of the things that were not good about your relationship with her, will help you to get a little different perspective and accept that it could have been better even though you think it was likely your only chance at happiness and you were cheated. If that helps you to let go of those thoughts so you can concentrate on yourself for while, that's good. 

You can be happy again, but what she does or does not do will have to become a non-issue. She is not the source of your happiness, you are. When you learn how to be proud of yourself, even in the little things you do, set goals for life and make small steps to get there, you will be more at ease with what she does with her life because you won't care as long as DS is safe and happy.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Oh what the hell, it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore. I just don't friggin care anymore.

Whatever.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sorry, but I wanted you to think about how what she does changes anything for you. It doesn't. You have to live for your happiness, not to derive happiness from her allowing you the opportunity to make her happy. When you find ways to be happy with yourself, she won't matter as much. It's so hard to explain. I apologize for being cryptic.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Nuff Said?

You are totally letting her regulate you.
Dont.

You are your own man. 
Not her puppet.


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