# It's okay for her sons to come but not my daughter?



## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

My wife has this thing to where she doesn't like "company" coming over to our house. However, she defines what company is. When we met she had 2 sons from her first marriage and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. All the kids are grown now and out of the house..My daughter just had her first child a little more than a month ago and since she's on maternity leave she tends to come by the house to bring the baby. She had a c-section so the first 2 weeks after the baby was born my daughter and the baby came to our house so we could help her recoop. That was a sore spot for my wife because that meant that her and the baby would be in our house for 2 weeks straight. Well, they have since gone back to her apt. But while she's out running errands she'll stop by so I/we can see the baby. I have no problem with that but my wife is not too happy about it. Because that means someone other than me will be in our house. No my wife doesn't have any type of social anxiety or hates to be around people, she just doesn't like people in our house. Again, this is the house that all our kids grew up in. 

This morning my daughter text me to say that the wifi was out in their apartment complex and they don't know when it'll be fixed so she said her and the baby will probably swing by to hang out. My daughter is of the generation where they don't have cable in their place but stream everything online. I told her I didn't have a problem with them just coming to hang out. But on the contrary, my wife's sons will swing by unannounced, or at least I don't know they are coming, and it's totally fine with my wife. She'll stop working to talk with them for a while. Yeah, we're both working from home right now. But again, it's fine for them to come by, and it honestly doesn't bother me but when my daughter comes it's a problem. It's not like she's in the kitchen talking to my wife while she's working keeping her from doing her job. She sits in the living room watching TV. 

I come from a large family with 6 other brothers and sisters and there's always someone at my parent's house. We normally all go by there on Sunday afternoons because we know mom is cooking a big meal and we like to hang out and reconnect. That's just how we were raised. I'll stop by my parent's house several times a week just to check on them. Both are getting up in age. Dad is 82 years old. My wife, on the other hand, has a smaller family unit. 4 total daughters, one deceased. Both parents are still alive but my wife doesn't go visit her parents at all even though they only live about 8 miles from us. 

Yesterday my wife told me that she thinks she may have a cavity because her tooth was hurting. She has a dentist appointment today. Again, this just happened yesterday. She tends to take every pain she has and ramp it up by 1000. A splinter in her finger is the same as someone cutting off her arm with a dull butter knife. When I told her my daughter was gonna swing by this was her response. "Well, I'm in a lot of pain right now so I honestly so not up for company and just want to lay down." Again, she just mentioned the toothache to me yesterday afternoon so I can't see how it just hit her all of a sudden and on a scale of 1 to 10 it's already at a 12. That toothache didn't stop her from leaving the house this morning to drive down the street to get her morning cappuccino. It hasn't stopped her form logging into work and performing her normal duties. But my daughter coming by with a newborn baby is just too much for her. Then she tells me that "just because they are our kids doesn't mean I want to see them all day long." She then goes on to say that she wanted to "lay down and rest before she goes to the dentist and when she comes back." Who lays down and rests just to go tot he dentist? And who needs to rest once they come back? Several years back I had a dentist appointment one morning and had 2 root canals at the same time, After the appointment my wife and I drove several hours just to pick up one of her sons from college. Yeah, you can probably say that because I deal with pain in one way she may not but deal with it the same way. But yesterday was the first day my wife ever mentioned that her tooth was hurting. Tues all was great but Wed she now needs jaw surgery. 

This never seems to be a problem with her sons just "stop by" but when my daughter wants to come over for anything then it's a problem. 

And even when she told me about her toothache she got mad with me because I didn't show more concern towards her. I'm working and she comes into the bedroom and sits on the corner of the bed just looking at me. I finished up the call I was on and when I turned to her that's when she told me she thinks she has a toothache. I told her I think there was some oragel in the medicine cabinet. A few minutes later when I was on another call she comes back into the bedroom and just stand there looking at me. I again turn to her and say "what". She then storms out of the house slamming the door. She later told me she thought I would have shown more concern for her. How do you show concern for someone with a toothache? What can you honestly do? Should I have gotten a big bandana and tied it around her face like they use to do back in the old school cartoons? Should I have stopped working and let her lay her head on my lap and stroke her hair? Help me out here. What was I supposed to do? 

She doesn't have a problem constantly bothering me while I'm working but someone possibly just being in the house is a bother to her that she will not tolerate. It's a toothache, not a broken arm or a ruptured appendix. 

I honestly think my wife craves attention. She's 50 and acts like she's 5. Again, why is it okay for her sons to just stop by but not my daughter?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

What would stop your wife from laying down if your daughter came by?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why don't you just add on to your existing thread so people have background?

Again, as in your previous thread, your contempt for your wife is so palpable it make my stomach twist.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> What would stop your wife from laying down if your daughter came by?


Nothing. Not one thing. However, she's sitting at the kitchen table working. She's fine enough to log into work . . . . and work. But my daughter bringing a 1 month old to the house is just too distracting. All 1 month old babies do is sleep. IT's not like she's bringing a 4 year old and they're just running all over the house.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Why don't you just add on to your existing thread so people have background?
> 
> Again, as in your previous thread, your contempt for your wife is so palpable it make my stomach twist.


Well Livvie, no one is twisting your arm or holding a gun to your head making you read OR reply to my posts. I don't have contempt for my wife but I don't always like everything she does either. Welcome to the real world where people do things you don't like. Yes, even your spouse can do things you don't like.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What you should be doing is asking your wife this question.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> Nothing. Not one thing. However, she's sitting at the kitchen table working. She's fine enough to log into work . . . . and work. But my daughter bringing a 1 month old to the house is just too distracting. All 1 month old babies do is sleep. IT's not like she's bringing a 4 year old and they're just running all over the house.


It seems that your wife is very rigid in her routine. Perhaps you should go to your daughters more to see her and the baby. Hang out there with them.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude: I don't get you. What are you trying to achieve? are you just venting or asking for advice? here as you can see you are going to get gang up by a bunch of females (typical). Their feelings toward what goes on in their house is what matters, the stupid husband feelings are just that, feelings of no importance. It's very typical of many women to see that their children are to get everything (including your money), but your children seldom matters.

If she can bring her sons to the house you can bring your daughter to the house also. Period, you shouldn't be arguing about this issue. Long ago it should had been settled that you have as much right to bring friends and relatives to visit as much as she does. That fact that she doesn't like people in the house is irrelevant (she doesn't have to engage anyone). You bring whomever you like and that's that.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> What you should be doing is asking your wife this question.


Do you not think I've done that? Hence her responses as far was just wanting to lay down before she goes to the dentist. Who has to lay down just to go to the dentist and when they come back? Most adults I know of, me included, will go to work, leave work to go to the dentist, and then go back to work. Why the need to rest? When you leave the dentist 99% of the time the pain is gone and the problem is fixed. Yeah, your gums or jaw may be numb from the novocaine but that usually wears off in an hour or so. That shouldn't keep you from doing anything.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> It seems that your wife is very rigid in her routine. Perhaps you should go to your daughters more to see her and the baby. Hang out there with them.


Let me tell you what will happen with that. My wife will get mad because I'm not home with her. Again, as you say, she's rigid in her routine. And her routine is that after work we eat dinner and sit together and watch TV till time to go to bed. So if I'm now away from home visiting my granddaughter that also interferes with her routine. It's a no win situation for me either way.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude: I don't get you. What are you trying to achieve? are you just venting or asking for advice? here as you can see you are going to get gang up by a bunch of females (typical). Their feelings toward what goes on in their house is what matters, the stupid husband feelings are just that, feelings of no importance. It's very typical of many women to see that their children are to get everything (including your money), but your children seldom matters.
> 
> If she can bring her sons to the house you can bring your daughter to the house also. Period, you shouldn't be arguing about this issue. Long ago it should had been settled that you have as much right to bring friends and relatives to visit as much as she does. That fact that she doesn't like people in the house is irrelevant (she doesn't have to engage anyone). You bring whomever you like and that's that.


I 1000% agree with you and we have had those discussions but just as you say, this is her house and she has more of a say so when it comes to things like that because she is a woman. She has a problem when her own sister comes over much less when one of my relatives stops by to visit. I'm not as much a social butterfly as I am a family oriented type of guy. Again, my 6 other siblings enjoy getting together to just laugh and reconnect even though we just saw each other 7 days ago. My wife probably hasn't seen her parents in a few months an this is only April and they only live about 8 miles from us. She's said many times in the past "I don't know how you can go see your parents that much in a week. If I see them on Sunday that's fine. But by Tues or Wed if I say, "hey, I'm going to see my parents after work" I usually get this response. "You just saw them."


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> Let me tell you what will happen with that. My wife will get mad because I'm not home with her. Again, as you say, she's rigid in her routine. And her routine is that after work we eat dinner and sit together and watch TV till time to go to bed. So if I'm now away from home visiting my granddaughter that also interferes with her routine. It's a no win situation for me either way.


I think that you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that you are going to spend time with your daughter and your grandchild. Period. It’s up to her which way she would prefer it. Your home or your daughters. Let her decide what works best for her.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

4thtwin said:


> this is her house and she has more of a say so when it comes to things like that because she is a woman.



Excuse me? since when because she's a woman she has more rights to the house than you do? are you that weak/ or is it that the Dee of the house is hers? whatever, you live there also. It shouldn't matter. I understand that there's moments and circumstances where visitors should not come to the house, but as a routine thing?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Your wife does not know the meaning of "compromise" it seems. Is she an only child?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Excuse me? since when because she's a woman she has more rights to the house than you do? are you that weak/ or is it that the Dee of the house is hers? whatever, you live there also. It shouldn't matter. I understand that there's moments and circumstances where visitors should not come to the house, but as a routine thing?


Sarcasm Rob, Sarcasm! No she doesn't have any more rights to this house nor who comes to visit than I do. I just find it strange that my child coming over is a problem but her sons stopping by isn't. It's even gotten to the point to where she hates when she just showed up unannounced. My daughter text me this morning that her and the baby were probably going to come by due to their wifi being out. I didn't not tell the wife. I told her. So if I don't tell her she's coming by she's mad, and even when I do tell her she's coming by she's mad. And I honestly do not believe that her sons are calling or texting to say they're on the way. However, when they show up I never know they're coming so where's the consideration here? I have to let her know when my daughter is coming by so she won't be surprised when she hears a key in the lock and someone coming in. Whereas, she doesn't tell me her boys are coming over. When I hear a key in the lock I automatically assume it's one of the kids. They all still have their keys. I don't call my parents to let them know I want to stop by. I just stop by. We all still have keys to our parent's house again, because they are getting up in age and if anything happens we want to be able to get in to check on them. When my wife moved out of her parent's home they took back their keys. So when we go visit we have to stand outside and knock. I just don't see a problem with them coming by, not even her sons.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

karole said:


> Your wife does not know the meaning of "compromise" it seems. Is she an only child?


She's not an only child. There were 4 daughters in the house along with the parents. One sister is mentally challenged and non verbal. Another sister passed away some years ago. So it's just my wife and her baby sister. They're not the type of family to just stop by and visit. Compromise to my wife means she has to do something she doesn't want to do. But what she's not seeing is that on the flip side of things she's getting to do something I may not want. If the compromise is that if my daughter comes to visit I let her know before hand then her sons coming to visit she should also let me know before hand. I never know when they come. They just show up. And it doesn't bother me. But now if I bring it up to my wife that she didn't let me know they were coming then either (A) I'm being petty about it as a man or (B) they just came by unannounced. However, my daughter coming by unannounced is a problem for her.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I would not bend on the having your daughter come over, or going to her place. Your having a relationship with your daughter and grandchild is important. She can take a nap when the daughter is visiting or whatever - you can't force them to have a relationship but make it clear you aren't distancing yourself.

Try to avoid taking your annoyance at your wife out on her sons (you say it doesn't bother you but it would be human to be resentful - just remember they are not responsible for their mom's behavior and may not even know what's up with you and your daughter and her visits).

HOWEVER, I did want to mention that what I have seen of other families who are less close than mine, it is deemed "weird' for my parents to come stay for 5 days every 3 or 4 months when they visit me in the US (before coranavirus). Some families find it completely normal and if anything not very often to see your grown kids. To other's it's monstrous. To her I guess family visits seem frequent when it's your daughter. Maybe it seems weird because she's not close to your daughter. But she certainly isn't doing herself any favors by being cold and distant towards your daughter.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

My wife has already gotten off work at 11 but she said that her dentist appointment isn't until like 2:30. Why would you get off work 3 hours before a dentist appointment. She's sitting in the living room just watching TV at this point. She even said that when her own sons come over, after they've been here an hour or so she'll look at them and say, "yall don't have anywhere else to go." She hates anyone just stopping by to visit, even her own sons. The kids visiting us has never been a problem for me but it is to her.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> I would not bend on the having your daughter come over, or going to her place. Your having a relationship with your daughter and grandchild is important. She can take a nap when the daughter is visiting or whatever - you can't force them to have a relationship but make it clear you aren't distancing yourself.
> 
> Try to avoid taking your annoyance at your wife out on her sons (you say it doesn't bother you but it would be human to be resentful - just remember they are not responsible for their mom's behavior and may not even know what's up with you and your daughter and her visits).
> 
> HOWEVER, I did want to mention that what I have seen of other families who are less close than mine, it is deemed "weird' for my parents to come stay for 5 days every 3 or 4 months when they visit me in the US (before coranavirus). Some families find it completely normal and if anything not very often to see your grown kids. To other's it's monstrous. To her I guess family visits seem frequent when it's your daughter. Maybe it seems weird because she's not close to your daughter. But she certainly isn't doing herself any favors by being cold and distant towards your daughter.


I sound like you. I enjoy family being around. That's just how we were raised. My wife admitted that she hasn't seen her parents in a while and she doesn't want to just go visit them. In her mind we got married so it should just be her and I all the time. I love my wife but I don't want to be up under her 24/7 like there's no one else in the world or even in my life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife might have anxiety over a dental appointment during Covid. She's calming herself by resting and diverting her mind.

Yeah, it's obvious that you enjoy hanging with your FOO whereas your wife doesn't enjoy a lot of familial companionship. Hang the witch.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

By now you should be nonchalant about your wife's reactions to people coming over. Let her rue the day on her own mind, and mind your own things going on. It's her cross to bear. You can be considerate about it depending on the circumstances, but you can not stop the world going around because of her attitude.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Somehow your wife has to get it out of her head that your daughter is company instead of family. Unless your daughter acts like a princess who has to be waited on, she should be able to come & go just like your step sons. Equity, after all. 

That said, some people just don't like pop in anybody. I am one of those. My Ex's family all used to just show up at our apartment. Make me crazy. I needed / wanted some notice. I didn't care if they called & said they just got off the highway & would be at our place in 10 minutes .. ..it was _some_ notice. That was all I wanted . . . a heads up. 

I don't know what the other issues are but this one seems like it could be minimized. If your wife was working at the kitchen table even if pain, as long as you & your daughter were quiet she should have afforded you the space to visit your daughter & grandbaby.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sorry, I think I'm a bit confused, OP. Is your issue that your wife doesn't like your daughter coming over while she's fine with visits from her own children? Or is your issue that you don't approve of the way your wife is approaching her toothache and dentist visit? Because you seem to have started out with the first question and are now somewhat hyper-focused on how she's handling the dentist visit wrong. Much like how you were focused in an earlier post about how she was participating at church wrong. 

When people mention that you don't seem to like your wife much, you tend to get defensive. But you need to realize that all of your posts here are about something that your wife is doing wrong. Sometimes your aggravation seems pretty legit, sometimes it just seems you're aggravated because she's not you and doesn't think/feel/react/behave the way you do - which you seem to consider to be the correct way. All of which makes it seem as if you might not like your wife much. You deny it rather vehemently, but your posts actually do portray a not insignificant level of disdain for your wife.

Look, you've been married for years. You cannot change her. You can change yourself which may create a reaction of change in her, you can learn to live with your wife as she is, or you can get out. What you cannot do is make her be different. She is not you. She will not always react or think or behave as you do - and as you seem to think she should. So, you're back to your three available options - you change, you deal, or you move on.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

4thTwin, have you thought about how much you're willing to tolerate just to please a 50 year old harpy. Get real Dawg.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Rowan said:


> Sorry, I think I'm a bit confused, OP. Is your issue that your wife doesn't like your daughter coming over while she's fine with visits from her own children? Or is your issue that you don't approve of the way your wife is approaching her toothache and dentist visit? Because you seem to have started out with the first question and are now somewhat hyper-focused on how she's handling the dentist visit wrong. Much like how you were focused in an earlier post about how she was participating at church wrong.
> 
> When people mention that you don't seem to like your wife much, you tend to get defensive. But you need to realize that all of your posts here are about something that your wife is doing wrong. Sometimes your aggravation seems pretty legit, sometimes it just seems you're aggravated because she's not you and doesn't think/feel/react/behave the way you do - which you seem to consider to be the correct way. All of which makes it seem as if you might not like your wife much. You deny it rather vehemently, but your posts actually do portray a not insignificant level of disdain for your wife.
> 
> Look, you've been married for years. You cannot change her. You can change yourself which may create a reaction of change in her, you can learn to live with your wife as she is, or you can get out. What you cannot do is make her be different. She is not you. She will not always react or think or behave as you do - and as you seem to think she should. So, you're back to your three available options - you change, you deal, or you move on.


My OP was more about how she reacts when I say my daughter is coming over but when her sons come over not only am I not notified, which I really don't need to be. Although, when my daughter comes over she says it would be nice to give her a heads up first. But she never tells me when her sons are coming over. Again, I don't need to know when they're coming over. They use to live here so technically this is and will always be home to them. Same as my daughter. My daughter wasn't going to come and sit in the kitchen with my wife and bother her. At most she would have sat in the living room with the baby and watched TV. 

As far as the dentist appointment, my wife tends to go overboard on every little ailment. People have dental appointments all the time but I've never known of someone having to go lay down and rest before and even after a dentist visit. She goes overboard when she is in pain any kind of way. She's upset that I'm not more concerned about her toothache. But honestly what am I to do about her toothache?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Rowan said:


> But you need to realize that all of your posts here are about something that your wife is doing wrong. Sometimes your aggravation seems pretty legit, sometimes it just seems you're aggravated because she's not you and doesn't think/feel/react/behave the way you do - which you seem to consider to be the correct way.


Yep. ^^This^^ is a pretty accurate assessment of what I've read in this and your other posts, OP. You are making a point of how you can't understand why your wife needs to rest prior to visiting the dentist. You don't need to do that. In fact, you don't know anyone else who needs to do that except your wife. Just spit balling here, but maybe she's anxious about all dental procedures. The thing is, this is the way SHE handles it. 

There are lots of things other people do that I find weird. I certainly wouldn't need to lay down before going to a dentist. But just because I don't do it or necessarily understand it doesn't make it wrong, per se.

She is what she is. And you don't sound as if you like her very much. While you find it aggravating that she's not laid back about having family drop by, my guess is she doesn't like your stance either. The thing is, the common thread in your venting/complaining is your wife doesn't do things the way you do them. She's not going to change. Thus, it's incumbent on you to adjust your outlook on her inflexibility. Yes, I think she's inflexible too. But YOU are married to her. Find a way to cope with it. I don't see any other way to roll. Sorry.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> 4thTwin, have you thought about how much you're willing to tolerate just to please a 50 year old harpy. Get real Dawg.


My wife would be totally fine if no one ever came to visit, even the kids. However, she tracks them on her phone. A 24 and 26 year old boys, and my wife can track their every movement. I've told her numerous times to take that off her phone but she refuses. She asked me to let her know when my daughter is planning to stop by but that request only works one way. I rarely get a heads up when her sons stop by. They just show up.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> ... my wife tends to go overboard on every little ailment.


She's also inflexible about people dropping in to visit. She isn't particularly sociable. She can't understand why you want to see your family so often.

I dunno .. but from what you've said about her thus far, it doesn't sound as if you actually like her very much. Or, at the very least, there are several things she does that really grate on you. JMO.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Yep. ^^This^^ is a pretty accurate assessment of what I've read in this and your other posts, OP. You are making a point of how you can't understand why your wife needs to rest prior to visiting the dentist. You don't need to do that. In fact, you don't know anyone else who needs to do that except your wife. Just spit balling here, but maybe she's anxious about all dental procedures. The thing is, this is the way SHE handles it.
> 
> There are lots of things other people do that I find weird. I certainly wouldn't need to lay down before going to a dentist. But just because I don't do it or necessarily understand it doesn't make it wrong, per se.
> 
> She is what she is. And you don't sound as if you like her very much. While you find it aggravating that she's not laid back about having family drop by, my guess is she doesn't like your stance either. The thing is, the common thread in your venting/complaining is your wife doesn't do things the way you do them. She's not going to change. Thus, it's incumbent on you to adjust your outlook on her inflexibility. Yes, I think she's inflexible too. But YOU are married to her. Find a way to cope with it. I don't see any other way to roll. Sorry.


Just as you say, she's inflexible, you hit the nail on the head. However, I refuse to go through life changing everything I believe simply because of her inflexibility to just adjust or adapt.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> I refuse to go through life changing everything I believe simply because of her inflexibility to just adjust or adapt.


I'm not advocating that you change what you "believe." I'm suggesting you let it drop. She's not gonna change. Your not gonna change. So, as others have advised, just do what you want to do and tell her to deal with it. 

Bottom line: Learn to deal with her inflexibility by proceeding as you wish and tell her "tough luck." She will continue to do what she wants to do. Learn to blow her off. Either that, or keep venting about it. Your life. Your choice.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You say that you want to stay with her so that means you’re going to have to find a way to deal with the differences between you. Why? Because apparently she’s not interested in changing or compromising or seeing things your way.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your daughter vs. her sons has been mentioned before. She’ll never stop giving her sons preferential treatment. You may make an effort to treat your daughter and her sons equally but she’s not interested in doing that. So you do what you feel is right and let her do what she feels is right. Will the two of you disagree about how things should be? Yes, but that’s the price you pay.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

As for your original question, it’s OK if you tolerate it, and it’s not OK if you don’t.

if you don’t like her stance on seeing your daughter, or her double standard with her sons - don’t abide it. Make your own decisions about what you are going to do. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. (Now I’m not saying to go and throw parties etc. but how often you see your daughter/grandchild isn’t up to your wife). it seems the leadership dynamic at your house is a bit out of whack.

As for your statement: “if I leave to visit my daughter, my wife will get mad that I’m not home with her“ - so what? 
Unless you’re gone visiting your daughter constantly, who cares if your wife gets mad about it. You seriously need to stop tiptoeing around what your wife’s reactions may be, and just start acting as you see fit. You need to start operating in your own frame instead of reacting to your wife’s.

As others have said, stop trying to understand her perspective (because you’re both different and that’s ok), and don’t worry about trying to change her perspective (because you can’t). Instead, just focus on you and what you are going to do. Choose your course of action, based on your priorities, and ACT. Stop complaining about a double standard and just change it.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I don't get it you say she's okay with her sons coming by and not your daughter, but then you say she basically tells her sons it's time to go after an hour, so clearly she doesn't like it. Is she rude to your daughter when she comes over or something? Stop letting your wife's miserableness effect you. Go about your business. OR let her get her own place where she can sit alone all day and be less miserable.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

4thtwin said:


> She even said that when her own sons come over, after they've been here an hour or so she'll look at them and say, "yall don't have anywhere else to go." She hates anyone just stopping by to visit, even her own sons.


Ok so she's not treating your daughter differently, she doesn't like her sons dropping in unannounced either. Different strokes for different folks, my family is just like yours, we have keys to Mums (dad passed away) place, and we drop in whenever we like. My husbands family is like your wife's - everything must be scheduled, and a formal affair, even a cup of coffee lol. Neither way is right or wrong, just different.

Neither of you are going to change - nor should you have to - so you can either dig your heels in and stay upset about it, or accept it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She isn’t you and she’s not interested in doing things the way you do. You’ve apparently been with her for a long time so maybe it’s a case of what didn’t bother you in the beginning bothers you now — who knows. But you’ve said previously that you feel you have a good marriage so this is part of what you’ll just need to disagree on.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> She's not an only child. There were 4 daughters in the house along with the parents. One sister is mentally challenged and non verbal. Another sister passed away some years ago. So it's just my wife and her baby sister. They're not the type of family to just stop by and visit. Compromise to my wife means she has to do something she doesn't want to do. But what she's not seeing is that on the flip side of things she's getting to do something I may not want. If the compromise is that if my daughter comes to visit I let her know before hand then her sons coming to visit she should also let me know before hand. I never know when they come. They just show up. And it doesn't bother me. But now if I bring it up to my wife that she didn't let me know they were coming then either (A) I'm being petty about it as a man or (B) they just came by unannounced. However, my daughter coming by unannounced *is a problem for her.*


Let it be a problem FOR HER. It does not have to be a problem FOR YOU. 
do you see that? It’s ok for your wife to have “problems”. It’s is not ok for you to constantly stay resentful of her not liking your daughter, and it’s not ok for her to constantly have something to ***** about.

if it weren’t your daughter coming over, it would be something else. So let her ***** about something happening that you get some happiness from.

What exactly do you AND your wife look forward to together. You need to work on having some fun with your wife. Isn’t marriage supposed to be fun?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> My OP was more about how she reacts when I say my daughter is coming over but when her sons come over not only am I not notified, which I really don't need to be. Although, when my daughter comes over she says it would be nice to give her a heads up first. But she never tells me when her sons are coming over. Again, I don't need to know when they're coming over. They use to live here so technically this is and will always be home to them. Same as my daughter. My daughter wasn't going to come and sit in the kitchen with my wife and bother her. At most she would have sat in the living room with the baby and watched TV.
> 
> As far as the dentist appointment, my wife tends to go overboard on every little ailment. People have dental appointments all the time but I've never known of someone having to go lay down and rest before and even after a dentist visit. She goes overboard when she is in pain any kind of way. She's upset that I'm not more concerned about her toothache. But honestly what am I to do about her toothache?


I do think it’s normal to want some rest when in pain.

Why do you get so worked up?
It’s an opportunity to baby her. Take it.
Build a happy day with her. Or build resentment and stress over a tiny thing.

She says x,y,z. So? Doesn’t mean you have to stress over it. You’re choosing to be offended. Stop choosing offense.

next time she says she wants a little warning, say “duly noted” give her A patronizing kiss on the forehead. When she says something additional after your patronizing response, say “ I’ll give you warning when our sons give me warning”.
Then you can really start the **** show and have a big row over nothing. Or you can choose to ask her to go to dinner with you and discuss the daughter visits after some wild hot sex. 

Mu point is that your way of dealing with trivial crap isn’t working for you. So try something different that involves a fun marriage rather than a passive agressive, resentment building nightmare.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Your wife sounds like an introvert. I am an introvert, not all introverts are quiet. But we tend to have very strict routines, certain people we feel comfortable with being ourselves around, and social interaction is exhausting. I am the type of person who would rest before and after going to an appointment because going out around other people in a social busy situation that is outside of my routine is exhausting. Maybe your wife's personality is so foreign to you that you are perceiving things in a way that she doesn't intend, just giving you an alternative.

I think there's a lot of issues in your relationship that go beyond your daughter, it sounds like you arent very affectionate or seem concerned about your wife's pain. No you can't do anything about it but your woman is basically begging you to spend time with her and show her that you care by sitting in your bedroom while you are on a call and saying her tooth hurts. Why not show her some care? 

I think the real issue with your daughter seems to be the fact you show her you care for her and your grandchild which is understandable, but your wife feels lack of care or concern from you and like a 3rd wheel. This is just my theory, I could be wrong. But your posts seem very bitter and negative so it makes me feel theres a lot more going on deeper in your relationship.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

So I got some really nice ear buds a few weeks ago.

The darndest thing happened when I put those suckers in my ear... they blocked out 99% of the noise in my house... I can’t hear my kids screaming!

I think you should get a set! Enjoy your visits with your daughter and grand baby. And then plug those ears up with noise cancelling ear buds when it’s just you and the ever pissed off wife. It’s blissful! I suggest Enya. She has a calming way about her, you might even get a peaceful nap in. If they can block out my screaming kids, they can definitely block out your wife’s *****ing. Good luck.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It is disrespectful enough to just drop by someone's home; but, to have a key and waltz right in whenever you feel like it? Helz no! No respect for a person's privacy. Accept the fact that you've flown the nest and get an adult life. 

Too many keys floating around. Change the locks.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> It is disrespectful enough to just drop by someone's home; but, to have a key and waltz right in whenever you feel like it? Helz no! No respect for a person's privacy. Accept the fact that you've flown the nest and get an adult life.
> 
> Too many keys floating around. Change the locks.


Why would it be disrespectful? If they're been told and authorized to come without notification and were given keys to do just that? Tell me why? Remember different strokes for different folks. In my house the day my daughters fly the coop they will have a key to the house (they already have one anyways), and they will be able to come and go as needed. There will be no need to call ahead, they are my children. You see, I will not see any disrespect.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> Why would it be disrespectful? If they're been told and authorized to come without notification and were given keys to do just that? Tell me why? Remember different strokes for different folks. In my house the day my daughters fly the coop they will have a key to the house (they already have one anyways), and they will be able to come and go as needed. There will be no need to call ahead, they are my children. You see, I will not see any disrespect.


Perhaps, this quote from a different thread of his will shed some light on why it isn't a good idea to have an open door policy for grown children:


4thtwin said:


> Yes I did, because he likes to smoke and get high. He likes to hang out at all hours of the night with his thug hoodlum friends then wants to come in at all hours of the night. He doesn't like to work thus he won't have any money to help financially around the house. He and his mom are constantly at each other's throats. He took his daughter to one of his friend's kid's birthday party a few weeks ago and my wife and I had to literally go pick her up at 10 PM because he didn't think that a 4 year old needed a curfew. Typically his friend's kid's b-day parties usually end up in that being an adult party where drinking and smoking is going on. Again, we had to go pick her up at 10 PM and he was mad about that. So yes, when the idea of him moving back home came up, yes, I vetoed that idea.


Kids who know they will always have access to a roof over their heads, alleviates the need for said kid to ensure they provide their own. It stunts their growth. 

We won't talk about security measures because I'm sure your darlings would never steal from you or give the key to someone else or have it stolen from them.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Why would it be disrespectful? If they're been told and authorized to come without notification and were given keys to do just that? Tell me why? Remember different strokes for different folks. In my house the day my daughters fly the coop they will have a key to the house (they already have one anyways), and they will be able to come and go as needed. There will be no need to call ahead, they are my children. You see, I will not see any disrespect.


My children come and go as they like as well. Even their spouses do. 😂


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Perhaps, this quote from a different thread of his will shed some light on why it isn't a good idea to have an open door policy for grown children:
> 
> Kids who know they will always have access to a roof over their heads, alleviates the need for said kid to ensure they provide their own. It stunts their growth.
> 
> We won't talk about security measures because I'm sure your darlings would never steal from you or give the key to someone else or have it stolen from them.


my darlings, as you said, have had the keys since they were twelve. My oldest at this point in time is already very successful, while still finishing her master. Financially, she already have more money than any of her group peers. I will never have the need for my children to steal from me, quite the contrary, when i get way too old, I'm the one who might need them. They are already making plans along with myself for if and when that eventually might happen. They are completely independent financially, but are still at home because, at this point in their life they have not need to fly the coop, once they do, they will, both of then are already set up for it. My younger , a little less so, but almost there.

Having a key to house and being able to come whenever they need to, does not translate to them not being able to take care of themselves. You are confusing underdevelopment of progeny, with the simple act of them as one's children having a key to the house. One have nothing to do with the other.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> It is disrespectful enough to just drop by someone's home; but, to have a key and waltz right in whenever you feel like it? Helz no! No respect for a person's privacy. Accept the fact that you've flown the nest and get an adult life.
> 
> Too many keys floating around. Change the locks.


We've always had keys to our parents house, given to us by our parents lol. Mum actually said to me one day, that she wanted us to have keys because we might be out one day, driving past and need to use the bathroom, and if she wasn't there we couldn't get in without a key 😂 She was really worried!! 

Mum lives 2 minutes drive from my house 🤦‍♀️


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> Why would it be disrespectful? If they're been told and authorized to come without notification and were given keys to do just that? Tell me why? Remember different strokes for different folks. In my house the day my daughters fly the coop they will have a key to the house (they already have one anyways), and they will be able to come and go as needed. There will be no need to call ahead, they are my children. You see, I will not see any disrespect.


That is how my wife and I are with our kids. 2 have already left but the have access to come visit anytime, they have the combo to the lock , so can come anytime. But there’s a big difference. These are our kids. OPs are from different marriages. 

Blended families are tough even after the kids leave. I know we have some successful blended families but It really is hard to pull off the Brady bunch.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jsmart said:


> That is how my wife and I are with our kids. 2 have already left but the have access to come visit anytime, they have the combo to the lock , so can come anytime. But there’s a big difference. These are our kids. OPs are from different marriages.
> 
> Blended families are tough even after the kids leave. I know we have some successful blended families but It really is hard to pull off the Brady bunch.


I agree. 

But there's this, too. If my mom _worked from home_, and it was a weekday, I wouldn't just come over during the workday and bring my one month old to hang out for an extended time because my internet was out. It's having respect for another adult, working from home in their own home.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Livvie said:


> I agree.
> 
> But there's this, too. If my mom _worked from home_, and it was a weekday, I wouldn't just come over during the workday and bring my one month old to hang out for an extended time because my internet was out. It's having respect for another adult, working from home in their own home.


Didn’t the daughter call first & ask to come over? She did not just show up


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

karole said:


> Didn’t the daughter call first & ask to come over? She did not just show up


I don't think so.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

What father wants to limit having his daughter bring his grandchild? If you’re not a parent, you just can’t understand the joy of seeing your grown kid come visit. Now throw in an infant grandchild and that desire grows exponentially.

Only a person who doesn’t truly love their partner, would object to these visits. When you get a new spouse, who has kids, they are all part of the package. If they’re not ready to accept the baggage, then they really should just live apart.

We recently had a thread from a woman that was in a new relationship with a man who’s kids were out their own but she had a12 year old from her prior marriage. The woman was upset because her boyfriend paused on whether or not he wanted to live with and her son.

See these are conversations to have before you move in together. In the beginning of a relationship, couples will say they accept your baggage but when the reality of what that really entails kicks in, the problems begin.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Because I probably wouldn't want my own adult child and grandchild to come visit during the WORKDAY, as I was _working from home_, and was also juggling being in pain and all upcoming medical appointment that
day. Parents are allowed to have it be inconvenient for a visit from their adult children who no longer live there.

Heck my parents are in their 80s and I still respectfully ask them if they already have plans or something going on before I plan to visit them.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Liv, I guess we see things differently. Our door is always open to our kids. I suspect that if this was their grandchild instead of just, the wife would not be taking such a hard line, which comes back to this being proof that trying to do the Brady Bunch is harder than most realize.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jsmart said:


> Liv, I guess we see things differently. Our door is always open to our kids. I suspect that if this was their grandchild instead of just, the wife would not be taking such a hard line, which comes back to this being proof that trying to do the Brady Bunch is harder than most realize.


Yeah, I guess we disagree. As someone who has worked from home for the past year, I don't know anyone, no matter how close I am to them, who would be so disrespectful as to come over during the workday while I was trying to work from home without expressly asking me first if it would bother me or not.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

frusdil said:


> We've always had keys to our parents house, given to us by our parents lol. Mum actually said to me one day, that she wanted us to have keys because we might be out one day, driving past and need to use the bathroom, and if she wasn't there we couldn't get in without a key 😂 She was really worried!!
> 
> Mum lives 2 minutes drive from my house 🤦‍♀️


I've been away for a while tending to other things. But the reason me and my siblings still all have keys to our parent's house is simply because that's what we always have had. Our parent's are getting up in age and in case something happens to them like one of them is sick and falls then we can get in and tend to them. That's just how it's always been in my family. My wife, on the other hand, when she left her parent's home they took back their key. We go visit them and we have to stand outside and knock. To me, that's disrespectful. You were raised in this house but now have to knock to get in it. Our kids still have their keys and they know they don't need to knock when they come to visit. There have been tims when the wife and I were out and one of the kids needed to go by the house to pick up something and it was totally fine.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I don't think so.


Yes, she and I had a conversation that morning and she asked me if they could come over since their internet was out as I stated in the OP. She didn't just show up.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> Yes, she and I had a conversation that morning and she asked me if they could come over since their internet was out as I stated in the OP. She didn't just show up.


But was your WIFE involved in the conversation? The one who works from home in the house?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> That's just how it's always been in my family. ... My wife, on the other hand, when she left her parent's home they took back their key. We go visit them and we have to stand outside and knock. To me, that's disrespectful. You were raised in this house but now have to knock to get in it.


I'll try one more time, because it sounds like you still don't get it. Just because YOU were raised a certain way, doesn't mean your way is the right way. Your wife came from a completely different family dynamic. Okay, so to you it's disrespectful that you need to stand outside her parents house and knock in order to gain entrance. Fine, It's disrespectful to YOU. Seriously, you come across as very judgmental.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The having to knock to gain entrance to a house in which you do not reside is disrespectful? Seriously? Why are you so entitled? Why are you so self-absorbed?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

4thtwin said:


> I've been away for a while tending to other things. But the reason me and my siblings still all have keys to our parent's house is simply because that's what we always have had. Our parent's are getting up in age and in case something happens to them like one of them is sick and falls then we can get in and tend to them. That's just how it's always been in my family. My wife, on the other hand, when she left her parent's home they took back their key. We go visit them and we have to stand outside and knock. To me, that's disrespectful. You were raised in this house but now have to knock to get in it. Our kids still have their keys and they know they don't need to knock when they come to visit. There have been tims when the wife and I were out and one of the kids needed to go by the house to pick up something and it was totally fine.


I personally don't think its disrespectful to have to knock at the door if you visit your parents, everyone has a different way of doing things. I myself, when I know Mum's home will knock, I don't feel right just walking in, but Mum wouldn't care if I did. If I knew she was home and couldn't get a response I'd go in, to make sure she's ok.

There was one time I couldn't raise her, but I knew she was ok because I could hear her talking to the dog lol, so I went in but called out that it was only me. She said given the fact that the dog was doing zoomies up and down the hallway with her tail going a hundred miles an hour, she figured it was either me or one of my brothers 😂


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> But was your WIFE involved in the conversation? The one who works from home in the house?


I also work from home and I do not need my wife's permission for my daughter to come over. She informed me that she may swing by and I said that was fine.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> I'll try one more time, because it sounds like you still don't get it. Just because YOU were raised a certain way, doesn't mean your way is the right way. Your wife came from a completely different family dynamic. Okay, so to you it's disrespectful that you need to stand outside her parents house and knock in order to gain entrance. Fine, It's disrespectful to YOU. Seriously, you come across as very judgmental.


So it's judgmental for me to have my thoughts that differ from hers and also judgmental that I do not want to give up my thoughts and beliefs for hers?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

frusdil said:


> I personally don't think its disrespectful to have to knock at the door if you visit your parents, everyone has a different way of doing things. I myself, when I know Mum's home will knock, I don't feel right just walking in, but Mum wouldn't care if I did. If I knew she was home and couldn't get a response I'd go in, to make sure she's ok.
> 
> There was one time I couldn't raise her, but I knew she was ok because I could hear her talking to the dog lol, so I went in but called out that it was only me. She said given the fact that the dog was doing zoomies up and down the hallway with her tail going a hundred miles an hour, she figured it was either me or one of my brothers 😂


We all were raised differently but one way is no better than the other. It's just a difference. Yes, I think it's disrespectful to have to knock at your parent's house but that doesn't make me wrong. It just makes my views on things different. Same as yours. I don't think you're wrong for thinking it's not disrespectful to knock when you go visit your parents, even though you have a key, it just makes you different.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The point is that you and she do things differently and neither of you has any interest in changing. You either live with it or you move on.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

It seems I got criticized for creating a new post about my wife so let me post this here about what she did yesterday. 

We both work from home so from the time we wake up until at least the time we get off work we're sitting here in the house. Me in the bedroom at my desk and her in the kitchen at the table. My wife has always had this thing where if I go anywhere without her then it's suspicious in her eyes. Or, if I tell her I need to run an errand then I either get 20 questions or she gets upset saying "why didn't you tell me you needed to run an errand?" I guess I had to ease her into the fact that I have somewhere to go. I should have started early that morning hinting that I may go out after work. Anytime I'm not there with her where she can see me then her mind starts racing and thinking things. Given the pandemic and working from home I don't have the luxury of driving home from work, listening to the radio and just getting some fresh air. Every now and then I just want to get out of the house. My wife would rather just stay home with the blinds closed and door locked. But when I do it there's something up.

Well, my daughter text me yesterday asking what I had planned to do after work. I told her nothing. She said that her and her roommate were going to buy a TV and it was too large for her car so she wanted me to meet them at the store with my large SUV and take the TV home for them. I saw nothing wrong with that. Plus, I had to run out anyway myself. We have an old fish tank sitting in our living room that my wife has been complaining about for some time. She wanted to just throw it away but I kept telling her I was going to reset it back up for the grandkids to enjoy when they come over. This past week I finally started that project but I needed something from PetSmart so I was gonna run out after work. Again, when I told my wife I needed to run a few errands she seemed to get upset by that. Any time away from her means I'm enjoying something else without her. YES, I've asked her to ride with me when I run errands just to get out of the house but most of the time she refuses. I've even told her that when she gets off work to just go get in her car and drive around. Get away from the house and your workstation. Nothing relaxes me more than just driving and getting some fresh air. She was not happy with the fact that I left her last night to go do something with/for my daughter and her roommate. Plus, I got to see my new granddaughter for a few hours which is always a plus. Monday after I got off work she got annoyed with me because I ran to the store to get a few things to finish off dinner. I don not want to stay cooped up in the house like she does.

And this I completely didn't understand about my wife. For the past 7 or 8 years I've driven an SUV with leather interior. The first one I had probably 5 years and I have always kept a few hand towels folded up on top of my arm console as to not damage the leather with my elbow. When that SUV was totaled in a wreck I got a much larger one, again with leather interior. And again I have had a couple of hand towels folded up on my arm console. Again, for years I'd change out the towels every week to just wash them and put fresh towels in the truck. Yesterday, while on a break from my job I grabbed a few fresh towels, walked outside, and swapped them out with the ones which had been in there for the past week. 2 minutes later when I walked back in the house my wife literally asked me why was I putting towels in my truck? Again people, I've been doing this for at least7 or 8 years and my wife knows this. Last night when I got home from running around with my daughter my wife wasn't speaking to me because she was upset that I left in the first place. When I turned off the TV and rolled over to go to sleep my wife asked my again, "why do you have those towels in your truck?" I don't know if this is early Alzheimer's, she was just playing dumb, or was she just looking to pick another fight. It's like everything I do that doesn't involve her directly annoys her. Or I have to constantly remind her why I do things. Even things like going out on the front porch to get some air raises questions with her. 

She's still battling that toothache and is scheduled for a root canal tomorrow so in her mind I'm not showing her enough attention about it. She wants me to sit on the sofa next to her so she can lay her head on my shoulder or when we get in the bed she wants to rest on my shoulder until we fall asleep. Do you know how annoying that is when you're sitting down and can't move because someone wants to use you as a pillow. If I move to grab the remote or a drink off my nightstand and she wakes up then she's annoyed. If I'm playing on my phone then the light from the phone is shining right in her face and she can't sleep so she's pissed by that. 

These are the things I deal with on a daily basis.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Openminded said:


> The point is that you and she do things differently and neither of you has any interest in changing. You either live with it or you move on.


I do not have a problem accepting the way she does things. That doesn't mean I can't question them though. I don't want her to change everything for me but I'm also not going to change everything just for her.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Sounds like your wife is paranoid that you’re going to step out on her. Was she betrayed in last relationship? 

I know that opposites attract but this may be to much.

Just to make sure, you don’t have those towels in the suv for cleaning up after some hanky panky?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

jsmart said:


> Sounds like your wife is paranoid that you’re going to step out on her. Was she betrayed in last relationship?
> 
> I know that opposites attract but this may be to much.
> 
> Just to make sure, you don’t have those towels in the suv for cleaning up after some hanky panky?


It's the little things that she looks at and makes them into bigger things. I also keep a bottle of lotion in my truck in the center console as well as in my bookbag I carry to work. Anytime I come home smelling like lotion that's a red flag to her. Yes, I tend to get dry hands and arms from time to time so I like to stay moisturized. But to my wife. . . . towels and lotion can only mean one thing for a guy.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

4thtwin said:


> It's the little things that she looks at and makes them into bigger things. I also keep a bottle of lotion in my truck in the center console as well as in my bookbag I carry to work. Anytime I come home smelling like lotion that's a red flag to her. Yes, I tend to get dry hands and arms from time to time so I like to stay moisturized. But to my wife. . . . towels and lotion can only mean one thing for a guy.


If you want to salvage the marriage, you have to work on making her feel secure. I know it’s easier said than done with her negative attitude but something is causing her to be worried that you’re going to run off on her. 

I certainly would not allow her to prevent me from being their for my daughter with my 1 month old grandchild. She should be very happy for you and the site of you being excited to spend time with your grandchild should make her feel proud that she has a good man but she acting like a crab in a bucket trying to prevent another from escaping.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> It seems I got criticized for creating a new post about my wife so let me post this here about what she did yesterday.
> 
> We both work from home so from the time we wake up until at least the time we get off work we're sitting here in the house. Me in the bedroom at my desk and her in the kitchen at the table. My wife has always had this thing where if I go anywhere without her then it's suspicious in her eyes. Or, if I tell her I need to run an errand then I either get 20 questions or she gets upset saying "why didn't you tell me you needed to run an errand?" I guess I had to ease her into the fact that I have somewhere to go. I should have started early that morning hinting that I may go out after work. Anytime I'm not there with her where she can see me then her mind starts racing and thinking things. Given the pandemic and working from home I don't have the luxury of driving home from work, listening to the radio and just getting some fresh air. Every now and then I just want to get out of the house. My wife would rather just stay home with the blinds closed and door locked. But when I do it there's something up.
> 
> ...


I don't know how you do it. 

The paranoia and forgetfulness could be an early sign of dementia. Dos she have mood swings?

Your wife seems extremely controlling. I can't live with someone like that. It's unhealthy, it's alienating, it's boring. You should be able to do things outside your marriage, have hobbies, go to stores without asking permission. She should be able to be ok about it. There's something wrong with this behavior. 

I was raised in a home where I can come and go whenever I want. My parents live in another continent! Every time I go visit they ask "where's your key?" If I ring the doorbell. My husband can come and go, I just need him to let me know he's out so I don't worry about him. 

I'm guessing trips by yourself are out of the question then?

There's no way I can live like that. But you are choosing to stay so.... What do you want from us? You need to change if you want a different life. It's your choice.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

4thtwin said:


> I do not have a problem accepting the way she does things. That doesn't mean I can't question them though. I don't want her to change everything for me but I'm also not going to change everything just for her.


You obviously can “question” why she does what she does but it might be more productive to have a long talk with her. If you’ve already done that, repeat it. And keep repeating it. My guess is she already knows how you feel about what she does and she doesn’t care. This is just who she is and since you want to stay …


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

jsmart said:


> If you want to salvage the marriage, you have to work on making her feel secure. I know it’s easier said than done with her negative attitude but something is causing her to be worried that you’re going to run off on her.
> 
> I certainly would not allow her to prevent me from being their for my daughter with my 1 month old grandchild. She should be very happy for you and the site of you being excited to spend time with your grandchild should make her feel proud that she has a good man but she acting like a crab in a bucket trying to prevent another from escaping.


We're talking almost 20 years of this behavior. Her 1st husband was abusive, a drug addict and an alcoholic and I honestly think she's taking all that out on me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Almost 20 years of this? Yes, she very likely has major issues from her first marriage and the odds that she’s going to stop are basically zero.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> It seems I got criticized for creating a new post about my wife so let me post this here about what she did yesterday.
> 
> We both work from home so from the time we wake up until at least the time we get off work we're sitting here in the house. Me in the bedroom at my desk and her in the kitchen at the table. My wife has always had this thing where if I go anywhere without her then it's suspicious in her eyes. Or, if I tell her I need to run an errand then I either get 20 questions or she gets upset saying "why didn't you tell me you needed to run an errand?" I guess I had to ease her into the fact that I have somewhere to go. I should have started early that morning hinting that I may go out after work. Anytime I'm not there with her where she can see me then her mind starts racing and thinking things. Given the pandemic and working from home I don't have the luxury of driving home from work, listening to the radio and just getting some fresh air. Every now and then I just want to get out of the house. My wife would rather just stay home with the blinds closed and door locked. But when I do it there's something up.
> 
> ...


you can’t take a little joy in your wife putting her head in your lap? Damn dude.
You have some OCD stuff going on and some resentment issues you need to work out. You both need marriage counseling.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> you can’t take a little joy in your wife putting her head in your lap? Damn dude.
> You have some OCD stuff going on and some resentment issues you need to work out. You both need marriage counseling.


Look, it's not that I don't want her to put her head on my shoulder or in my lap but when she gets any type of pain then she becomes a kid again and expects you to wait on her hand and foot like she's the only one to ever hurt or get sick. Plus, when she does lay on me then I can't move.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> Look, it's not that I don't want her to put her head on my shoulder or in my lap but when she gets any type of pain then she becomes a kid again and expects you to wait on her hand and foot like she's the only one to ever hurt or get sick. Plus, when she does lay on me then I can't move.


Again with the extreme contempt for her. 

Don't be surprised if you are someday faced with a walk away wife.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Again with the extreme contempt for her.
> 
> Don't be surprised if you are someday faced with a walk away wife.


It's one thing to take care of someone when they are sick and can't do for themselves but it's another when they expect you to do everything for them when they are sick. I've had 3 root canals in my past, 2 in the same visit, and not once did it ever slow me down or prevent me form doing what I normally. I have sympathy for her breaking her tooth, trust me I do, but you're 50. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it until you see the dentist.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> So it's judgmental for me to have my thoughts that differ from hers and also judgmental that I do not want to give up my thoughts and beliefs for hers?


Yes. I stand by my statement. You ARE judgmental. Die on this hill if you want. 

I'm not the thought police. Think whatever the hell you want to think. But I gave you my opinion. Don't like it? That's okay too.

And you don't like your wife very much. Again, my perspective/opinion based on what you've posted thus far.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

4thtwin said:


> It's one thing to take care of someone when they are sick and can't do for themselves but it's another when they expect you to do everything for them when they are sick. I've had 3 root canals in my past, 2 in the same visit, and not once did it ever slow me down or prevent me form doing what I normally. I have sympathy for her breaking her tooth, trust me I do, but you're 50. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it until you see the dentist.


I had a root canal last week and came into work afterwards. Root canals have come a long way from what they used to be. I had no pain at all afterwards, did not even need an ibuprofen; however, the numbness afterwards drives me nuts.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

karole said:


> I had a root canal last week and came into work afterwards. Root canals have come a long way from what they used to be. I had no pain at all afterwards, did not even need an ibuprofen; however, the numbness afterwards drives me nuts.


My point exactly. She thinks they're going to do the root canal with a dull butter knife. The most she'll feel is the needle in her mouth to numb her.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Let me fill you guys in on what just happened. She came into the bedroom and I informed her that I needed to go back out with my daughter tonight because the two stores we went to last night didn't have the size TV she wanted but she found a store that has it so she needed my help again tonight. In the mix of the conversation my wife told me that "you just can't be going anywhere you want to!" Uhhh, excuse me. The last time I checked I was 51 years old. You're my wife not my momma. This is what I deal with on a regular basis. If I want to just get out of the house to get some fresh air then it's a problem. If I want to go to a pet store to look at something for our fish tank then it's a problem because I didn't give her enough notice. Again, I have to inform her with a formal request hours ahead of time filled out in triplicate and submitted. Then I have to wait for the approval. Yes, that's sarcasm but I hope you understand.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

4thtwin said:


> Let me fill you guys in on what just happened. She came into the bedroom and I informed her that I needed to go back out with my daughter tonight because the two stores we went to last night didn't have the size TV she wanted but she found a store that has it so she needed my help again tonight. In the mix of the conversation my wife told me that "you just can't be going anywhere you want to!" Uhhh, excuse me. The last time I checked I was 51 years old. You're my wife not my momma. This is what I deal with on a regular basis. If I want to just get out of the house to get some fresh air then it's a problem. If I want to go to a pet store to look at something for our fish tank then it's a problem because I didn't give her enough notice. Again, I have to inform her with a formal request hours ahead of time filled out in triplicate and submitted. Then I have to wait for the approval. Yes, that's sarcasm but I hope you understand.


Aren't you just a little bit embarrassed to be posting this crap? As you said you are 51 years old - you are not 12 and relating what your mean mama said. Ask yourself why she treats you like a child.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Aren't you just a little bit embarrassed to be posting this crap? As you said you are 51 years old - you are not 12 and relating what your mean mama said. Ask yourself why she treats you like a child.


It's not as much embarrassing for me as it is for her. She's 50 and thinks that everything I do needs her permission or approval. This is why we but heads so much because I treat her like and adult. I don't need to know where she's going every time she grabs her keys and leaves the house. But if I walk outside then come back in 5 minutes later she's standing there asking where I went.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

4thtwin said:


> It's not as much embarrassing for me as it is for her. She's 50 and thinks that everything I do needs her permission or approval. This is why we but heads so much because I treat her like and adult. I don't need to know where she's going every time she grabs her keys and leaves the house. But if I walk outside then come back in 5 minutes later she's standing there asking where I went.


4thwin, all you can really do is do what you want and then put up with or shut down her crap once she starts.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Have you told her when you get back from getting the tv, that you’re gonna tie her down and do all kinds of deviant things to her? Lol
Do you really bite like this and get all jacked out of shape over this?
Is she needing some attention? Give her some. Are you needing time get out of the house? Do it and stop allowing yourself to feel guilty about it. If she’s being unreasonable, you can treat it as unreasonable and ignore it. But if you come back all resentful and worked up, YOU are at fault. Start living like a normal man and acting like a normal man, and ignoring her unreasonable insecurity.

you still haven’t said what you enjoy doing with her.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> She's 50 and thinks that everything I do needs her permission or approval. This is why we but heads so much because I treat her like and adult.


My take on it is she has unresolved issues. Would she consider IC? And from what you describe, you ARE OCD about wanting things the way you want them. OTOH she seems to have the emotional intelligence of a child. Either way, it sounds like a pretty lousy dynamic. 

Again: Accept it and put up with her or tell her to STFU and just go about your business.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Have you told her when you get back from getting the tv, that you’re gonna tie her down and do all kinds of deviant things to her? Lol
> Do you really bite like this and get all jacked out of shape over this?
> Is she needing some attention? Give her some. Are you needing time get out of the house? Do it and stop allowing yourself to feel guilty about it. If she’s being unreasonable, you can treat it as unreasonable and ignore it. But if you come back all resentful and worked up, YOU are at fault. Start living like a normal man and acting like a normal man, and ignoring her unreasonable insecurity.
> 
> you still haven’t said what you enjoy doing with her.


My wife and I look forward to Saturdays because w spend the entire day together. We go out shopping and running errands then we usually find a restaurant to go eat lunch or dinner at. So it's not like we don't do anything together. She doesn't have many / any friends. So pretty much, I'm it that she can talk to. I have hobbies and things I like to do that are outside of her and it bothers her when I start a woodworking project and devote my time to it instead of her.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> She doesn't have many / any friends. So pretty much, I'm it that she can talk to. I have hobbies and things I like to do that are outside of her and it bothers her when I start a woodworking project and devote my time to it instead of her.


So your wife is basically emotionally dependent on your for any type of relational sustenance. Why can't or won't she make friends?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> So your wife is basically emotionally dependent on your for any type of relational sustenance. Why can't or won't she make friends?


Because anytime someone tries to talk to her she thinks they're just trying to get into her business. At our church they know not to ask her to do anything because she's usually going to say no, so they don't even ask anymore. I have a lot of friends at church and anytime I'm asked to do anything I gladly say yes. A few weeks ago I was Jesus in our church's Palm Sunday production. I was joking with my wife after we got home and I told her that they were going to ask her to be in the play next year. You would have thought I said they wanted her to be in the play next Sunday. She got very angry with me saying I volunteered her for that and I shouldn't have. I was just joking and said they were "going to ask" her to be in it next year and she couldn't even handle that.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

4thtwin said:


> Let me tell you what will happen with that. My wife will get mad because I'm not home with her. Again, as you say, she's rigid in her routine. And her routine is that after work we eat dinner and sit together and watch TV till time to go to bed. So if I'm now away from home visiting my granddaughter that also interferes with her routine. It's a no win situation for me either way.


Well, things have changed! You now have a new family member - so you tell your wife with a firm voice that YOUR family can come visit any time you say they can! 

And if she doesn’t like it - she can go lay down when they visit.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> My wife and I look forward to Saturdays because w spend the entire day together. We go out shopping and running errands then we usually find a restaurant to go eat lunch or dinner at. So it's not like we don't do anything together. She doesn't have many / any friends. So pretty much, I'm it that she can talk to. I have hobbies and things I like to do that are outside of her and it bothers her when I start a woodworking project and devote my time to it instead of her.


So you are unable to break routine and go do something fun anytime?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

4thtwin said:


> It's not as much embarrassing for me as it is for her. She's 50 and thinks that everything I do needs her permission or approval. This is why we but heads so much because I treat her like and adult. I don't need to know where she's going every time she grabs her keys and leaves the house. But if I walk outside then come back in 5 minutes later she's standing there asking where I went.


Because you have allowed it to be this way!

That’s why she does it. So if you want things to be different - starting changing it.

Stop whining and start changing it. Just leave when you want - no need to tell her anything.

And yes, you’ll get push back. 🤣 ignore it.

If you don’t want to have to get approval from your wife like she’s your Momma - let her know that things are changing moving forward and to stop calling all the shots! There’s two people in the marriage and you will start acting like the adult that you are - a man who doesn’t have to ask her permission for every little thing.

If she doesn’t like it - she can leave.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> Because anytime someone tries to talk to her she thinks they're just trying to get into her business.


Your wife sounds like the antithesis of a Christian. The way she behaves is downright nutty. Again: Tell her to put up or shut up. Refuse to tolerate her nonsense. What strikes me as strange is she's paranoid about other people getting into "her business" and yet she's practically up your ass when you so much as walk around the block.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> Sarcasm Rob, Sarcasm! No she doesn't have any more rights to this house nor who comes to visit than I do. I just find it strange that my child coming over is a problem but her sons stopping by isn't. It's even gotten to the point to where she hates when she just showed up unannounced. My daughter text me this morning that her and the baby were probably going to come by due to their wifi being out. I didn't not tell the wife. I told her. So if I don't tell her she's coming by she's mad, and even when I do tell her she's coming by she's mad. And I honestly do not believe that her sons are calling or texting to say they're on the way. However, when they show up I never know they're coming so where's the consideration here? I have to let her know when my daughter is coming by so she won't be surprised when she hears a key in the lock and someone coming in. Whereas, she doesn't tell me her boys are coming over. When I hear a key in the lock I automatically assume it's one of the kids. They all still have their keys. I don't call my parents to let them know I want to stop by. I just stop by. We all still have keys to our parent's house again, because they are getting up in age and if anything happens we want to be able to get in to check on them. When my wife moved out of her parent's home they took back their keys. So when we go visit we have to stand outside and knock. I just don't see a problem with them coming by, not even her sons.


When my kids move out they no longer have keys. I have key to elderly parents home but still knock and wait for door to be answered. If no response i will then enter out of concern for safety.

How would you feel if kids come on in and you have wife spread eagle on bar or ottoman in living room? Family once walked in on mom vaccuming in the buff. She said it makes her hot vaccuming. Now we always call first.

When you become an adult and move out, it is about respect and courtesy. You dont just walk in to someones house....it is no longer your house...call first and knock and wait to be invited in.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> We're talking almost 20 years of this behavior. Her 1st husband was abusive, a drug addict and an alcoholic and I honestly think she's taking all that out on me.


Or she has a guilty conscience. How is your sex life? Who is she thinking about? You have been together thislong, the misplaced feelings should be over by now. I had told my wife a fee times, "I am not your damned cheating ex husband!!!"


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Let me give you an update on this past week's events. My wife had a medical procedure last week. Years ago what would keep you int he hospital for 5 to 7 days if not more ended up being now an outpatient procedure. I took the day off to be with her. Stayed at the hospital all day. Brought her home, made sure she was comfortable in the bed. But she's not happy with that. She is now saying she doesn't feel loved. Granted, we're not teenagers who are in the first stages of a relationship nor are we newlyweds in the first year of our marriage. We've been together some nearly 20 years. I'm 51 and she's 50. No that doesn't mean the romance is gone but it has just manifested it self in other areas. She thinks we, more importantly I, need to be doing things to make her feel loved. I can't make her feel loved if she doesn't first love herself. Me giving you 20 hugs a day isn't going to make you feel loved because after a few days of that you're probably going to think I'm only doing it because you want me to and not because I want to. I don't have time to stop and give her multiple hugs during the day. I have a job I must work from 9 am to 6 PM. I can't tell my boss I was away from my desk x number of times a day because I just wanted to go give my wife a hug. 

This past Sat I was laying in the bed and she came out of the shower and laid across the bed and started crying. I asked her what was wrong and all she would say is, "you just don't understand." Ok, help me understand, tell me what's wrong. She never would but I came across to her as an uncaring husband. This morning when I came back from getting my coffee and I was preparing my bagel to work she tells me that she just doesn't feel loved. She also said that she thinks she might be gong through a bit of depression. I told her that she should go speak to a therapist about that and of course that set her off. I'm not a therapist nor am I licensed to deal with anyone's depression but she took offense to that. My wife isn't depressed, she's just bored. She has no friends. I'm her only friend. I honestly think that she thought her life would be like a TV commercial where the couple are on a mountain hilltop sitting in matching bath tubs overlooking the scenery. Or we'd always be in a park riding a tandem bike. Or always having picnic lunches around a bunch of other people throwing frisbees around. Welcome to the real world. Nobody does that on the regular. We should always be planning our next vacation or taking road trips in a classic convertible car with the top down. 

My wife has no hobbies. I love working with wood and building things. I love hanging with my family. I love spending time with our grandkids. I also love just being alone relaxing and watching tv. I also enjoy being with her . . . but I do not want to be with her 24/7. I need time away from her to appreciate time being with her. My wife told me that sometimes she wants to go out and take a walk but she doesn't want to walk by herself. So if I don't want to walk then she won't go. She gets off at 4 and I don't get off till 6. We both work from home and those 2 hours waiting on me she's bored. I should immediately want to go walk with her the minute I clock out. There's a park 1 mile down the street from our house. At 4 PM there's not really a ton of people down there. She could easily drive down there and have some "me" time. But her "me" time involves ME. 

Every sunday I go to my parents house to hang with my other siblings and we'll sit there and talk and laugh at each other. Talk about other things and just reconnect. I've asked my wife numerous times to come with me but she doesn't want to go because she doesn't like anyone laughing at her. The thing is this. We all laugh at each other. If you do funny things then let them be funny things and let everyone enjoy the laugh. She hates when her name comes up because that means she's going be the but of the jokes for a while. But she has no problem laughing at someone else. Case in point: The other week we got in her car and when she sat down she made the statement of "I'm really loving these Goodwill tires on my car. I've never had Goodwill tires before." I looked at her like, "what are you saying?" I said to her, "Goodwill tires" and she said, yes. I looked at her again and said, "don't you mean Goodyear?" We both had a good laugh about it but she would never want me to tell that story at my parent's house. Another time, this past week we were discussing her surgery and she mentioned her "Philippian tubes". Again, I looked at her like WTF are you saying now. She said it again, her Philippian tubes. I then said, "don't you mean your fallopian tubes?" It's little things like this that she does but doesn't want anyone else to know about. 

My wife needs friends outside of me. I'm supposed to be her everything and I can't be it. She has to love herself first.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She's sensing the deep contempt you have for her that SEVERAL posters picked up on just from your posts here.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, you and your siblings are into ridiculing each other. And, your wife isn't. So what? She doesn't have anyone in your household (excuse me, your parents' household) with whom to reconnect - why would she want to go?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

So your daughter and granddaughter can stop by mid-work day on a whim to use the wi-fi and you have no problem dropping work to visit with them, but you can’t stop work to give your wife a hug? Totally feeling the loving vibes from you.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> She's sensing the deep contempt you have for her that SEVERAL posters picked up on just from your posts here.


If it's contempt she's picking up on it's because I'm tired of being her EVERYTHING! She relies on me for her happiness. She needs friends and interests outside of this marriage.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> So, you and your siblings are into ridiculing each other. And, your wife isn't. So what? She doesn't have anyone in your household (excuse me, your parents' household) with whom to reconnect - why would she want to go?


I've resigned myself to the fact that she doesn't want to go hang with my parents and siblings on Sundays, but she won't even go visit her own sister or parents. And we're not jsut sitting there taking jabs at each other. We eat dinner. My mom normally cooks the big traditional Sunday dinner and we just go to reconnect with each other. We discuss events in each others lives. Talk bout the grandkids, work, and just stuff that pops up. It's not a constant roast from one person to the next. My wife would rather stay locked up in the house. She hates to open the front door and the blinds to let some sunlight in because she feels the neighbors across the street are sitting in their house with binoculars looking into our house or there are a million people walking up and down our street and they always stop to look in our house. OR, the cars going by are slowing up to peek and see what we're doing.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Bluesclues said:


> So your daughter and granddaughter can stop by mid-work day on a whim to use the wi-fi and you have no problem dropping work to visit with them, but you can’t stop work to give your wife a hug? Totally feeling the loving vibes from you.


Who said I stop working to talk with my daughter? Not me. Yeah, I can talk to her while she's here but when my phone rings I go back to my job. Every time I put myself in a break to step away from my phone a notification is sent to my boss so I'm not just putting myself in a break to go give her a hug. I am an employee from 9 am till 6 pm. Because we're now home together doesn't mean that I need to devote time to her during the day. We have plenty of time after work to connect.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Again — all of this is who your wife is. She has no interest in changing and at 50 she’s not likely to.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> If it's contempt she's picking up on it's because I'm tired of being her EVERYTHING! *She relies on me for her happiness. She needs friends and interests outside of this marriage.*


Have you communcated that to her? Have you thought about what would make YOU happy? It's clearly not her. Because you're near boiling point. Or are you? I'm really confused. You went from "it's mostly a good marriage with one sticking point" to "I'm tired of her everything". You need to figure out how to talk to each other without the contempt and while just communicating your point which is the bolded. And the stuff about the inequity in the way your respective kids are treated. Just talk to each other. You both clearly have different views on life and how couples should coexist. And neither of you is willing to bend. This is not compromise on either of your part's and the issue with that is, if neither of you is ever willing to bend, it's not going to work when you disagree on something. Because instead of dealing with your conflicts together you're each digging your heels in, burying your rage and resentment, and not very well. That's not a recipe for anything good.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Enter find a way to live her for who she is, not who she isn’t. 
She came and laid down on the bed after a shower. Did you try to jump her bones? No? Shame.............
😝


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Here's what I get from your latest post: Your wife is an emotional albatross hanging around your neck. Circling, circling, circling, and then dumping her emotional excrement all over your unsuspecting head.

The thing is, she's always been this way. YOU married her. So you can come here and vent. Or you can figure out how YOU can learn to live with it and deal with it. Frankly, if I was married to someone who was getting on my nerves as much as your wife gets on yours, I'd be done. Life is too short to be THIS annoyed and frustrated with one's spouse. Seriously.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> Have you communcated that to her? Have you thought about what would make YOU happy? It's clearly not her. Because you're near boiling point. Or are you? I'm really confused. You went from "it's mostly a good marriage with one sticking point" to "I'm tired of her everything". You need to figure out how to talk to each other without the contempt and while just communicating your point which is the bolded. And the stuff about the inequity in the way your respective kids are treated. Just talk to each other. You both clearly have different views on life and how couples should coexist. And neither of you is willing to bend. This is not compromise on either of your part's and the issue with that is, if neither of you is ever willing to bend, it's not going to work when you disagree on something. Because instead of dealing with your conflicts together you're each digging your heels in, burying your rage and resentment, and not very well. That's not a recipe for anything good.


Yes, yes, YES, I've mentioned this to her countless times. She should not sit here all day waiting on me to do something with her. It's like she can't do anything by herself. I have to be there with her. If my car cranks up she has to be in the passenger seat. We typically do our running around together on Saturdays but with her recent surgery she can't do all that running around for a while but that means she wants me to sit at home with her all day. I have errands I need to run but the minute I do then she thinks I don't want to be with her now. Like I said, I love working with wood and can spend all day working on a project. She doesn't have a hoppy or anything she likes to do outside of me. So when I'm working on something again, she takes it that I don't want to be around her because I have more important things than her at the moment. I don't have a problem bending but I shouldn't be the only one bending. In regards to bending, her sons can come and she not let me know but the minute my daughter comes then I have to hear about it later. "Why didn't you tell me she was coming over?" Both her sons came today and hung out for several hours and it didn't bother me one bit. She's even to the point to where she wants to determine when my grand daughter can come over. My daughter asked me to keep her this coming Sat night and I have no problem absolutely doing that. We have a crib set up in the other room but I guess my wife was thinking that was only in there so that when they come for the day she can lay her down for a nap. Eventually she was gonna start spending the night but again, my wife doesn't think I'm capable enough to raise a child all by myself. We can get her son's daughter every other weekend for a weekend visit but my daughter's child I have to clear it through her first.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How she feels about her granddaughter and how she feels about your granddaughter are likely two very different things.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

4thtwin, if you could wave a magic wand, what would you change about your marriage? Would you fix every complaint about your wife? Would you change yourself so that you're more compatible to her? Would you make it so that the issues don't bother you?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

nekonamida said:


> 4thtwin, if you could wave a magic wand, what would you change about your marriage? Would you fix every complaint about your wife? Would you change yourself so that you're more compatible to her? Would you make it so that the issues don't bother you?


I can't change anyone to be what I want them to be. However, if you change from what you use to be then you can't expect someone to still find you the same way. I won't get into what I mean by that but if you were one way when you met someone then decided to change to something else but still expected your partner to stay with you or still find you desirable then you're wrong. I love my wife, I do, but I do not want to be around her all the time. I need room and space to breath. She even hates it when we're in separate rooms watching TV.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you’ve discussed all these complaints with her, and she has done nothing about any of them, then it’s obvious that she’s not going to. Your choice is to stay with her — and ignore the stuff that bothers you — or leave her. My guess is that you’ll stay so maybe it’s time to figure out how you can manage that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It sounds like you don't want to do much with her. You don't want to go on walks after work, watch TV together in the evenings. These are things couples typically do together on a regular basis.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> It sounds like you don't want to do much with her. You don't want to go on walks after work, watch TV together in the evenings. These are things couples typically do together on a regular basis.


On the contrary, I don't mind doing things with her after work. We normally sit and watch TV on the sofa every night but any night I have to run an errand or I don't want to watch a TV show with her and maybe want to watch a different show in the bedroom then she takes that to mean I don't want to be with her. I just want to watch a different show that I know she has little to no interest in. No need in making her suffer through a show she doesn't want to watch simply so we can just be together. And vice versa. I shouldn't have to watch a show I don't want to watch just so we can be together.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

4thtwin said:


> It seems I got criticized for creating a new post about my wife so let me post this here about what she did yesterday.
> 
> We both work from home so from the time we wake up until at least the time we get off work we're sitting here in the house. Me in the bedroom at my desk and her in the kitchen at the table. My wife has always had this thing where if I go anywhere without her then it's suspicious in her eyes. Or, if I tell her I need to run an errand then I either get 20 questions or she gets upset saying "why didn't you tell me you needed to run an errand?" I guess I had to ease her into the fact that I have somewhere to go. I should have started early that morning hinting that I may go out after work. Anytime I'm not there with her where she can see me then her mind starts racing and thinking things. Given the pandemic and working from home I don't have the luxury of driving home from work, listening to the radio and just getting some fresh air. Every now and then I just want to get out of the house. My wife would rather just stay home with the blinds closed and door locked. But when I do it there's something up.
> 
> ...


So you can’t have your daughter over, but you can’t leave the house to see her either. Why do you live like this? This sounds horrible.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> I love working with wood and can spend all day working on a project. She doesn't have a hoppy or anything she likes to do outside of me. So when I'm working on something again, she takes it that I don't want to be around her because I have more important things than her at the moment.


What you describe is someone with the emotional maturity level of a young child. I truly doubt she changed/morphed into this years after you met her.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

4thtwin said:


> I can't change anyone to be what I want them to be. However, if you change from what you use to be then you can't expect someone to still find you the same way. I won't get into what I mean by that but if you were one way when you met someone then decided to change to something else but still expected your partner to stay with you or still find you desirable then you're wrong. I love my wife, I do, but I do not want to be around her all the time. I need room and space to breath. She even hates it when we're in separate rooms watching TV.


4th, you didn't answer the question. I'm asking ideally what you would change about your marriage if you could. Do you mean that you wish your wife would go back to how she used to be or do you want her to accept what you need without complaining?

I'm asking because knowing what you think needs to change is the start of finding a solution. You do want that, right?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Enter find a way to live her for who she is, not who she isn’t.
> She came and laid down on the bed after a shower. Did you try to jump her bones? No? Shame.............
> 😝


I thought the same thing. I just think his wife wants reassurance that she’s special to him. Make her feel secure and I bet she will loosen up on her hang ups. 

Here’s a pro tip: When your wife comes out the shower and lays across the bed, she is initiating.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

jsmart said:


> I thought the same thing. I just think his wife wants reassurance that she’s special to him. Make her feel secure and I bet she will loosen up on her hang ups.
> 
> Here’s a pro tip: When your wife comes out the shower and lays across the bed, she is initiating.


Let me clarify what I was saying or not saying. My wife had surgery last Wed, She had a hysterotomy, so me jumping her bones was completely out of the question. Some times guys need to get their minds out of the gutter. I sincerely hope you're not in a relationship simply for the amount of sex you think you are going to have. Over the years my wife tends to be a drama queen when it comes to little things. Back when we were dating if she would sneeze she'd make a doctor's appointment. If her finger hurt then her whole arm was sore. A few sniffles to her turned into walking pneumonia. After a while you tend to just overlook those things because I'm not going to run to the store and start cooking her soup because of the sniffles. She expected those things. When we first met she weighed about 105 lbs soaking wet and I loved that. I told her I was always attracted to slender petite women. I guess she had gotten tired of always being the skinny girl she she started putting on weight until she got up to about 160. Even after her first marriage and having her 2 sons, when we met, she was very petite. In her mind it doesn't matter what size a person is their mate should still find them desirable. Those are the words spoken by someone who doesn't or isn't planning to do anything about their weight. No, 160 may not be big or obese to some but when you originally were 105 then to put on more than 50% of your body weight just because, that's a lot. She was not always like this. I've read the comments and some of you think that this is how she's always been. No, on the contrary, she turned into this. I would venture to think that none of you are now the same person you were 15 or 20 years ago. We all change over time. I do not mind being there for my wife but there's limits to everything. 

One of our biggest arguments is the fact that she likes to assign gender roles to certain tasks. If I wash my car then I HAVE TO wash hers. I told her one day that we both could get out in our driveway and wash the cars together and the first thing out of her mouth was, "are you kidding me? What would the neighbors think if they saw me outside washing my car and I have a husband?" Well, they'd probably think that woman wants her car clean. She doesn't think that a woman should wash her own car, especially when she has a husband or boyfriend. And even if I go several weeks without washing my own car she's mad at me because her car needs to be washed. I've told her to go out there and wash it then. I see plenty of women washing their own cars. No one is asking you to tear down a transmission. But on the contrary, she refuses to cook every day so we alternate cooking duties. If washing a car is man's work and you refuse to do it then why isn't cooking woman's work and yet in still you refuse to do that every night either? 

We don't have sex that often because she feels she shouldn't have to initiate. And when she does it's so subtle until no one can catch on to it. We'll be sitting in the living room watching TV like we do every night, and she'll say something like, "I'm going to the bedroom and getting ready for bed." Then when I come in there a short time later and get in bed she's mad at me because I didn't pick up on the clue. Or she'll walk by and touch my shoulder or something like that and that's all., I'm suppose to know that a touch on the shoulder means she wants some. I told her a long time ago to stop with the clues and hints. Just say, "wanna have some fun later?" It doesn't take much but don't expect me to pick up on the fact that you have on a different pair of pajamas that night to be a clue. 

Again, everyone, I love my wife, but I can't just stop living and only do things she want to do. I have interests outside of her. My grandbabies are my world. My daughter's child and even her son's child. I love them to no end but she only wants them here when she feels like dealing with them. What grandma doesn't want to see their grandbabies every couple of weeks? I'm not going to let my relationship with my daughter and granddaughter suffer simply because my wife doesn't want them to stop by every so often. And when I go visit my daughter or even my adopted daughter she's a little upset because I'm not home with her. She doesn't like to go visit anyone and doesn't like anyone to come visit up. Let me clarify what I mean by my adopted daughter. Many years before I met my wife I dated a girl and we were really good friends. After we broke up ewe remained friends and she got hooked up with this guy. She got pregnant and had a daughter. A few years later he was killed so since she and I were still great friends, I helped her raise that little girl. This little girl grew up calling me daddy. I've taken her on family vacations and everything since she was born. She's now 26 years old with 3 kids of her own and they all call me granddaddy. Yes, I go visit them too, and that bothers her because I may go spend an hour or two with those babies every now and then. That's time away from her. I didn't marry her to be under her and with her 24/7. I married her because I loved her and wanted to build a life together. And she's 50, I'm not going to coddle a 50 year old woman. Some things she's just gotta get use to or get over. Life doesn't only revolve around her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> Yes, yes, YES, I've mentioned this to her countless times. She should not sit here all day waiting on me to do something with her. It's like she can't do anything by herself. I have to be there with her. If my car cranks up she has to be in the passenger seat. We typically do our running around together on Saturdays but with her recent surgery she can't do all that running around for a while but that means she wants me to sit at home with her all day. I have errands I need to run but the minute I do then she thinks I don't want to be with her now. Like I said, I love working with wood and can spend all day working on a project. She doesn't have a hoppy or anything she likes to do outside of me. So when I'm working on something again, she takes it that I don't want to be around her because I have more important things than her at the moment. I don't have a problem bending but I shouldn't be the only one bending. In regards to bending, her sons can come and she not let me know but the minute my daughter comes then I have to hear about it later. "Why didn't you tell me she was coming over?" Both her sons came today and hung out for several hours and it didn't bother me one bit. She's even to the point to where she wants to determine when my grand daughter can come over. My daughter asked me to keep her this coming Sat night and I have no problem absolutely doing that. We have a crib set up in the other room but I guess my wife was thinking that was only in there so that when they come for the day she can lay her down for a nap. Eventually she was gonna start spending the night but again, my wife doesn't think I'm capable enough to raise a child all by myself. *We can get her son's daughter every other weekend for a weekend visit but my daughter's child I have to clear it through her first.*


This is the problem. You don’t seem to understand that you DON’T have to clear it with her first. You are creating this strife by letting your wife run your whole life.
Damn dude, at this point just do what you want and don’t worry about it. You’re not acting unreasonable. Don’t allow her to cause you to act unreasonably. You’re blaming HER for the problem of YOU stressing out over her unreasonable stuff. Start being a man and doing what you know is right and letting HER worry about things.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

QuietRiot said:


> So you can’t have your daughter over, but you can’t leave the house to see her either. Why do you live like this? This sounds horrible.


Clearly he likes it. Loves the drama, and enjoys *****ing about it. But it is hard to watch. Lol


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> Let me clarify what I was saying or not saying. My wife had surgery last Wed, She had a hysterotomy, so me jumping her bones was completely out of the question.I get that Some times guys need to get their minds out of the gutter. I sincerely hope you're not in a relationship simply for the amount of sex you think you are going to have. huh???Over the years my wife tends to be a drama queen when it comes to little things. the heck you say!! Back when we were dating if she would sneeze she'd make a doctor's appointment. If her finger hurt then her whole arm was sore. A few sniffles to her turned into walking pneumonia. After a while you tend to just overlook those things because I'm not going to run to the store and start cooking her soup because of the sniffles. She expected those things. When we first met she weighed about 105 lbs soaking wet and I loved that. I told her I was always attracted to slender petite women. I guess she had gotten tired of always being the skinny girl she she started putting on weight until she got up to about 160. Even after her first marriage and having her 2 sons, when we met, she was very petite. In her mind it doesn't matter what size a person is their mate should still find them desirable. Those are the words spoken by someone who doesn't or isn't planning to do anything about their weight. No, 160 may not be big or obese to some but when you originally were 105 then to put on more than 50% of your body weight just because, that's a lot. She was not always like this. I've read the comments and some of you think that this is how she's always been. No, on the contrary, she turned into this. I would venture to think that none of you are now the same person you were 15 or 20 years ago. We all change over time. I do not mind being there for my wife but there's limits to everything.
> 
> One of our biggest arguments is the fact that she likes to assign gender roles to certain tasks. If I wash my car then I HAVE TO wash hers. nope, that’s you feeling that way and again, listening to unreasonable nonsense. You don’t have to. I told her one day that we both could get out in our driveway and wash the cars together and the first thing out of her mouth was, "are you kidding me? What would the neighbors think if they saw me outside washing my car and I have a husband?" Well, they'd probably think that woman wants her car clean. She doesn't think that a woman should wash her own car, especially when she has a husband or boyfriend. And even if I go several weeks without washing my own car she's mad at me because her car needs to be washed. I've told her to go out there and wash it then. I see plenty of women washing their own cars. No one is asking you to tear down a transmission. But on the contrary, she refuses to cook every day so we alternate cooking duties. If washing a car is man's work and you refuse to do it then why isn't cooking woman's work and yet in still you refuse to do that every night either?
> 
> ...


so what are the consequences of you just live your life like you want to? Is she going to ***** MORE? I doubt that’s possible.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Honestly, I think you need to stop letting your daughter stop by. Just tell her she needs to say when she wants to come and then you need to check y'all schedules to see if it's a good time. You do need to check with your wife and see if it's a good time or not. I mean, people have their routines. If you feel there's an inequity because she lets her sons just come whenever and barge in, then bring that up too and tell her you'll control yours if she'll control hers and ask them to ask first. Not everyone likes drop in visitors. I certainly don't. One other way you might guide this process is by asking your wife when would be a good time to ask your daughter over. Then ask your daughter over for that time specifically and put in there "for a couple of hours but then we have some things to do." My guess is your daughter will probably balk because she too wants to do things only on her own schedule and not yours, but it's your house, your rules.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

There is no way I would tell my child she could not come see me if she wanted too, nor would I check with my husband first to see if it was okay. I mean, WTH?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Honestly, I think you need to stop letting your daughter stop by. Just tell her she needs to say when she wants to come and then you need to check y'all schedules to see if it's a good time. You do need to check with your wife and see if it's a good time or not. I mean, people have their routines. If you feel there's an inequity because she lets her sons just come whenever and barge in, then bring that up too and tell her you'll control yours if she'll control hers and ask them to ask first. Not everyone likes drop in visitors. I certainly don't. One other way you might guide this process is by asking your wife when would be a good time to ask your daughter over. Then ask your daughter over for that time specifically and put in there "for a couple of hours but then we have some things to do." My guess is your daughter will probably balk because she too wants to do things only on her own schedule and not yours, but it's your house, your rules.


Dude, you've lost your ever loving mind if you think I'm going to tell my daughter and granddaughter to not come over until I clear their visit with my wife.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Clearly he likes it. Loves the drama, and enjoys *****ing about it. But it is hard to watch. Lol


I’d rather eat glass than live like that, but I guess it keeps life interesting?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@4thtwin - I assume you have me on ignore or simply want to ignore what I've posted. Which is fine. However, I'm now to the point that I wonder why you are posting all of this. You don't want advice. You realize she won't change. Apparently, since you are posting, it's incumbent on your to change. But you don't want to change either.

So are you just here to vent? That's fine too. Vent away.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> @4thtwin - I assume you have me on ignore or simply want to ignore what I've posted. Which is fine. However, I'm now to the point that I wonder why you are posting all of this. You don't want advice. You realize she won't change. Apparently, since you are posting, it's incumbent on your to change. But you don't want to change either.
> 
> So are you just here to vent? That's fine too. Vent away.


I must have missed your post/reply. What did you say? I can't respond/reply to everyone, I'm sorry. And I guess you think your comments are the only important ones that need to be followed? You have all the answers!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> And I guess you think your comments are the only important ones that need to be followed? You have all the answers!


That's snarky. I neither said or implied that (1) my responses were particularly important, or (2) that I have all the answers.

How did you come to that conclusion? I merely asked if you just want to vent, which is fine with me.

ETA: I just wanted to figure out why you are reporting the same thing over and over. We have people here who journal. They feel it's safer to vent here and aren't necessarily looking for specific advice. I'm just trying to establish if that's your purpose.

No need to get nasty with me about it. Jeesh!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

4thtwin said:


> Dude, you've lost your ever loving mind if you think I'm going to tell my daughter and granddaughter to not come over until I clear their visit with my wife.


Well then you are part of the problem in this partnership. No boundaries. You give your daughter free reign but not your wife.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> That's snarky. I neither said or implied that (1) my responses were particularly important, or (2) that I have all the answers.
> 
> How did you come to that conclusion? I merely asked if you just want to vent, which is fine with me.
> 
> ...


Because you made a point to say I didn't respond to your post.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well then you are part of the problem in this partnership. No boundaries. You give your daughter free reign but not your wife.


I've not given my daughter free reign but I'm not going to tell her "let me check with my wife before you come over."


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

4thtwin said:


> I've not given my daughter free reign but I'm not going to tell her "let me check with my wife before you come over."


What you say is "I need to check my schedule".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Moderator note:- Folks, please keep it civil. We are all friends here.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> Because you made a point to say I didn't respond to your post.


Actually, regardless of what I say, you are responsible for your own response. Yes, I made a point to say you didn't respond to my post, in which I asked a question. I requested an answer. You chose to be rude. Sorry, but I cannot control or dictate how you respond to what I say.

Again, I asked why you are posting all this information. Would you care to expound? I've asked politely. @MattMatt, please monitor my responses to OP. If you find anything I'm posting to be questionable, I hope you will call me on it.

OP - Do you wish to journal, vent, ask for feedback, etc? Many folks (myself included) have suggested you ignore your wife's childish antics. You are posting here, so you are the one we wish to address. If you don't like what she's doing - and obviously you don't - do you want a solution to it? If you want to journal, that's fine. Perhaps it will help alleviate your frustration.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Actually, regardless of what I say, you are responsible for your own response. Yes, I made a point to say you didn't respond to my post, in which I asked a question. I requested an answer. You chose to be rude. Sorry, but I cannot control or dictate how you respond to what I say.
> 
> Again, I asked why you are posting all this information. Would you care to expound? I've asked politely. @MattMatt, please monitor my responses to OP. If you find anything I'm posting to be questionable, I hope you will call me on it.
> 
> OP - Do you wish to journal, vent, ask for feedback, etc? Many folks (myself included) have suggested you ignore your wife's childish antics. You are posting here, so you are the one we wish to address. If you don't like what she's doing - and obviously you don't - do you want a solution to it? If you want to journal, that's fine. Perhaps it will help alleviate your frustration.


Look, if I came across rude to you then let me be the first one to apologize. And no, I'm not here just to vent but venting does help so maybe that is part of why I posted. I have read all the comments but I have not responded to EVERYONE of them. All the suggestions that have been given I've tried. I've done the calm talking, the arguing, the ignoring, the just doing what I wanted to do because I am an adult, but those things never seem to work. It's either her way or she's never going to let it rest. No, this does not rise to the level of "it's time to divorce". I just want to be able to invite people, family, to my/our house without having to always run it through her first. Her sons are always welcomed but the minute my daughter comes during the day then she seems to make up all these excuses as to why it's not a good idea. "We're working from home." "I'm not feeling well." Yadda, yadda, yadda. Anything I do that she doesn't like I'm supposed to change but anything she does that I don't like then I'm just supposed to get over it. I've said this before and I'll say it again. When people post things in message boards like this everyone wants to give their opinion but the minute you give a differing opinion then you're now arguing with them and don't want to solve your problem. OR, they think their advice is the only advice you should follow. My wife is 50 and things we should always be in the honeymoon phase forever. If I walk in the house and don't speak to her or even look at her then she has a problem with that. Even though we may have been together in the house all day and have spoken during the day. It's like she makes the rules for marriage. Her first marriage ended terribly and I feel she's trying to correct any and everything in this one before it starts. There have been plenty of times when she's accidentally called my by her first husband's name.

I hope you understand that I'm not arguing with you nor ignoring you. I'm just giving a differing opinion than the one you've given.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

4thtwin said:


> I've resigned myself to the fact that she doesn't want to go hang with my parents and siblings on Sundays, but she won't even go visit her own sister or parents. And we're not jsut sitting there taking jabs at each other. We eat dinner. My mom normally cooks the big traditional Sunday dinner and we just go to reconnect with each other. We discuss events in each others lives. Talk bout the grandkids, work, and just stuff that pops up. It's not a constant roast from one person to the next. My wife would rather stay locked up in the house. She hates to open the front door and the blinds to let some sunlight in because she feels the neighbors across the street are sitting in their house with binoculars looking into our house or there are a million people walking up and down our street and they always stop to look in our house. OR, the cars going by are slowing up to peek and see what we're doing.


I think she is paranoid, she needs some sort of help.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I think she is paranoid, she needs some sort of help.


I've told her that several times but she refuses to seek it. You can't stop cars from driving up and down your street but that doesn't mean that every car that goes by is looking in our house. We live in a heavily populated neighborhood so there's people walking outside all the time. Again, that doesn't mean that everyone walking by is stopping to see if they can look inside our house from about 60 or 80 feet away. She has an app on her phone so that she can track where her grown sons are. They're 25 and 26 years old and no longer live with us. Again, I've asked her to remove that app from her phone but she feels it's not hurting anyone.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The problem is that she has no interest in changing so if you stay (and I don’t doubt that you will) then you need to figure out something that works for you.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Your wife is 50 but the way you describe her she sounds like she is 70. She is far to young to be acting like an old bitty in her house coat.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Is she a Karen? Lol


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Here's the thing: At this point, I'm not trying to give you advice. I'm asking you what you think you can do or should do to make her behavior less troublesome for YOU. From your description of your wife's behavior, she sounds quite annoying. The thing is, if everything you've tried has failed to rein in her behavior, is there any solution at all? Or do you think you just have to live with it?

That's the point I'm trying to make here. You don't like what she's doing. She continues to do it after you've tried various tactics. She doesn't change no matter what you do.

See what I'm getting at? AGAIN ... I'm not giving advice. I'm just posing a question: Can you live with her behavior the rest of your life? If you can, then do you think you can develop coping strategies when she behaves as she does?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Here's the thing: At this point, I'm not trying to give you advice. I'm asking you what you think you can do or should do to make her behavior less troublesome for YOU. From your description of your wife's behavior, she sounds quite annoying. The thing is, if everything you've tried has failed to rein in her behavior, is there any solution at all? Or do you think you just have to live with it?
> 
> That's the point I'm trying to make here. You don't like what she's doing. She continues to do it after you've tried various tactics. She doesn't change no matter what you do.
> 
> See what I'm getting at? AGAIN ... I'm not giving advice. I'm just posing a question: Can you live with her behavior the rest of your life? If you can, then do you think you can develop coping strategies when she behaves as she does?


The thing is this. If I give her what she wants and always does what she expects then she's happy and I'm miserable. But if I do things my way "sometimes" then she's pissed off and I get her but to kiss and constantly hearing her mouth. You know how annoying it is when you tell your wife, "hey, I'm going over to my parent's for a little while" and the next words out of her mouth are, "weren't you just over there a few days ago?" My dad in 82 years old and doesn't have much time left on this earth. Mom is in her late 70s. I want to spend as much time with them as I can. But whenever I leave the house then she's alone at home with only her thoughts to keep her company. "He's probably out with some other woman." I've asked her to come with me, especially on Sundays when the entire family is gathering just to eat dinner and have some fun but she won't so I've stopped asking. 

What do I want to happen, I don't know but I do know is that this can't continue. I'm venturing close to that line of if another woman even looks in my direction . . . . This is why some guys have girlfriends on the other side of town who only want a good time.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Has there ever been any cheating?
As to the prospect of a girlfriend on the side...No. Don’t be that cheating scum bag...


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> What do I want to happen, I don't know but I do know is that this can't continue. I'm venturing close to that line of if another woman even looks in my direction . . . . This is why some guys have girlfriends on the other side of town


Don't become a cheater. Get divorced and start dating again. 

You should read the countless posts of infidelity in here to get the idea of how damaging cheating can be.

Do the honorable thing and get divorced.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> Has there ever been any cheating?
> As to the prospect of a girlfriend on the side...No. Don’t be that cheating scum bag...


Ne cheating but my wife is very insecure now. Like I said, when we met she weighed about 105 lbs but now she's up to 160+ and she refuses to lose any weight. But the minute she sees me talking to a smaller girl in church then the first thing she says when we get in the car is, "so, what were yall talking about?"


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> Ne cheating but my wife is very insecure now. Like I said, when we met she weighed about 105 lbs but now she's up to 160+ and she refuses to lose any weight. But the minute she sees me talking to a smaller girl in church then the first thing she says when we get in the car is, "so, what were yall talking about?"


Why won’t she lose weight?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

4thtwin said:


> Ne cheating but my wife is very insecure now. Like I said, when we met she weighed about 105 lbs but now she's up to 160+ and she refuses to lose any weight. But the minute she sees me talking to a smaller girl in church then the first thing she says when we get in the car is, "so, what were yall talking about?"


Ah, so we finally get to the crux of the matter. 
She’s insecure about her appearance and I suspect, you’re not exactly to turned on to see that your wife has ballooned up more than 50 lbs. Women know when we’re really into them. No wife wants the “of course I love you, you’re my wife” look. She wants to to see hunger in your eyes.

maybe exercising together or at a bare minimum taking walks to get your 10k steps in. Get his and her Fitbits and make it an interesting thing you share together.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I doubt a post menopausal woman who just had a hysterectomy is going to get back down to 105 pounds. Actually I don't think that would even be healthy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> If I give her what she wants and always does what she expects then she's happy and I'm miserable.





4thtwin said:


> What do I want to happen, I don't know but I do know is that this can't continue. I'm venturing close to that line of if another woman even looks in my direction . . . . This is why some guys have girlfriends on the other side of town who only want a good time.


You aren't happy in the marriage. It sounds like you have one foot out the door. Don't cheat. It would only compound the problems you already have.

I don't like to be around needy, clingy people. In my early to mid-20's, I lived with a man who was that way. I moved out after several years because I felt suffocated. Only you can decide what you need to do to in order to resolve this situation. Because from where I'm sitting, you really sound downright miserable.

ETA: Do you think counseling for yourself might give you ideas on how to cope with your wife? Do you think there is any chance at all she would go to marriage counseling? If not, are you willing to leave this marriage if she persists in her behavior?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Livvie said:


> I doubt a post menopausal woman who just had a hysterectomy is going to get back down to 105 pounds. Actually I don't think that would even be healthy.


Yea, I’m sure you’re right but wanting to get down to a healthier weight, maybe 130ish would be achievable. 

If she thrown in the towel at 50, it will just get worse. She needs to be proactive about her health, unless she wants to be on all sorts of meds.

OP, she needs your help to get started. A little hand holding, done in love, may be just what she needs to get motivated.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

4thtwin said:


> What do I want to happen, I don't know but I do know is that this can't continue. *I'm venturing close to that line of if another woman even looks in my direction .* . . . *This is why some guys have girlfriends on the other side of town who only want a good time.*


And, here it is. The crux of your complaints. You're establishing your justification for cheating. So, who do you have your eye on? 

If you think for one minute that having a girlfriend on the side will make your life less miserable, you are sadly deluding yourself. How in the world do you think you would get the time to carry on with another woman? Or, are you looking for a replacement and are too cowardly to wrap up this relationship first? I know - run this idea by the good fellows at your church where you are held in high esteem and see what they have to say about it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think your wife is the way she is because she feels your contempt and lack of care for her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re looking for an excuse to cheat. Don’t. You have no idea of the problems that will create if you’re found out and you likely will be.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> Why won’t she lose weight?


Because she said she doesn't want to be the skinny girl anymore. Thick girls with big booties are in now but that has never been my thing. According to her, I should love and desire her no matter what size she is.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I doubt a post menopausal woman who just had a hysterectomy is going to get back down to 105 pounds. Actually I don't think that would even be healthy.


Her post menopausal situation nor her hysterectomy was the reason for her weight gain. Like I said this has been going on for a number of years now. She just doesn't want to be the "skinny" girl anymore like she was in high school. I'm not saying she's gotta get back down to 105 but if she lost 20 or 30 lbs I'd be happy.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> Because she said she doesn't want to be the skinny girl anymore. Thick girls with big booties are in now but that has never been my thing. According to her, I should love and desire her no matter what size she is.


But didn’t you say y’all don’t really have much sex?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> You aren't happy in the marriage. It sounds like you have one foot out the door. Don't cheat. It would only compound the problems you already have.
> 
> I don't like to be around needy, clingy people. In my early to mid-20's, I lived with a man who was that way. I moved out after several years because I felt suffocated. Only you can decide what you need to do to in order to resolve this situation. Because from where I'm sitting, you really sound downright miserable.
> 
> ETA: Do you think counseling for yourself might give you ideas on how to cope with your wife? Do you think there is any chance at all she would go to marriage counseling? If not, are you willing to leave this marriage if she persists in her behavior?


We've been to several marriage counselors and she refuses to do anything they suggest. "They don't know what they're talking about." Although, they are the ones who have the advanced degrees on their wall and we're paying to go see them.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

4thtwin said:


> Because she said she doesn't want to be the skinny girl anymore. Thick girls with big booties are in now but that has never been my thing. According to her, I should love and desire her no matter what size she is.


Uh, in moderation maybe. A woman that was 105 does not look “thick” in a sexy way at 160. That is way to heavy, unless she’s really tall. How tall is she btw.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Let me fill you guys in on the few things that have happened just today.

1) For years I've had sleep issues and have to take medication in order to stay asleep for a full night. I turn my phone off or I put it on silent. If anything happens at 2 or 3 in the morning I can't do a thing about it so I'll find out when I wake up. My wife, on the other hand, likes to get constant updates and notifications about everything. Every time someone posts anything on Facebook she gets notified even if it doesn't even affect or or was directed at her. She even has her Facebook set up to where if I like anyone's post or photo then she gets notified. I've accepted friend requests from people and within an hour she'll come say to me, "oh, you and so-in-so are friends now." She gets local notifications from nearly every news station in our town. Her phone will ding at 2 AM about a car accident on the other side of town or a house fire in the next city. Most nights it wakes me up so I've asked her to either take those constant notifications off her phone or at least put her phone on silent or even turn it off at night. She refuses to do any of those because she "might miss something." This morning a little while after i got up her phone kept dinging. She wakes up and says, "I can't even sleep because everyone wants to text me." My response to her was, "I told you to take those notifications off or put your phone on silent until you're ready to check your messages." Her reply was a bit nasty, "See, I didn't tell you that for you to start lecturing me."

2) I get up and get in the shower. Normally my wife is in the kitchen by this time working but since she is on leave for because of her surgery she's just sits in the living room watching TV or walking around doing things. While I'm in the bedroom dressing I have the overhead light on. Yes, the blinds are open to let the sunlight in and so while standing there she mumbles to herself, "I don't know why you have this light on" and reaches up and turns it off. This is my normal routine. Wake up, turn on the light, make the bed, get dressed, log into my work computer and work. But since she's off right now I'm suppose to change what I normally do in the bedroom simply because she's now standing in there with me. 

3) Several weeks ago my wife lost the cap to our vegetable peeler that usually fits over the blade so you don't cut yourself when grabbing it. She was peeling something and misplaced the plastic guard. Well, last night we had a salad so I had to peel some cucumbers. I clean up the kitchen and put everything in the dishwasher. She was unloading it this morning and when she came across the veggie peeler she looks at me and says is a stern voice, "you need to find the cap to this." I just stood there and looked at her. The next thing out of my mouth was, "do you not remember that a few weeks ago YOU were the one who lost it?" I lost it last night according to her but she chooses what to remember and what not to remember. 

Again, the other week she got in her car and made mention to me that she loved the Goodwill tires that were on it. Yes, I said Goodwill and not Goodyear. Last week she was talking about her Philippian tubes. Yes, again, Philippian and not fallopian tubes. Some days I honestly think I married Lucille Ball. Things must go her way and even things that she does she'll turn it around and try to make it my fault. This is just what I live with every day.

And to answer a few comments from earlier, no, I'm not looking to cheat. I was just saying things like this could possibly lead someone to do it when they've had enough of someone.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

jsmart said:


> Uh, in moderation maybe. A woman that was 105 does not look “thick” in a sexy way at 160. That is way to heavy, unless she’s really tall. How tall is she btw.


My wife is about 5'6" and I loved her frame when she was 105 lbs. That's one thing that attracted me to her. In the past year since the pandemic hit I along with a number of guys have grown a beard which she loves. I told her that I was thinking about shaving it off and she threatened me not to. She doesn't want me to change that but she put on all that weight against my request. Even when she started putting on a few lbs here and there I mentioned to her that she's getting a little out of hand. But who am I to say anything to a woman about her weght.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> Let me fill you guys in on the few things that have happened just today.
> 
> 1) For years I've had sleep issues and have to take medication in order to stay asleep for a full night. I turn my phone off or I put it on silent. If anything happens at 2 or 3 in the morning I can't do a thing about it so I'll find out when I wake up. My wife, on the other hand, likes to get constant updates and notifications about everything. Every time someone posts anything on Facebook she gets notified even if it doesn't even affect or or was directed at her. She even has her Facebook set up to where if I like anyone's post or photo then she gets notified. I've accepted friend requests from people and within an hour she'll come say to me, "oh, you and so-in-so are friends now." She gets local notifications from nearly every news station in our town. Her phone will ding at 2 AM about a car accident on the other side of town or a house fire in the next city. Most nights it wakes me up so I've asked her to either take those constant notifications off her phone or at least put her phone on silent or even turn it off at night. She refuses to do any of those because she "might miss something." This morning a little while after i got up her phone kept dinging. She wakes up and says, "I can't even sleep because everyone wants to text me." My response to her was, "I told you to take those notifications off or put your phone on silent until you're ready to check your messages." Her reply was a bit nasty, "See, I didn't tell you that for you to start lecturing me."
> 
> ...


You sound like my parents, and as a daughter, I wish they were divorced!

Complaining is not solving anything. Make a decision, staying or leaving. We get the message, but what are you going to do about it?

She is who she is and it seems she's not going to change. What are you going to do about it?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

You mention she had a hysterectomy. Was it a full one? Did they take her ovaries as well?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> My wife is about 5'6" and I loved her frame when she was 105 lbs.


She used to be skin and bones then! I'm 5'2" and my weight was 105 lbs. last year, everyone said I was too skinny! 

Women gain weight with menopause. That's a reality for the majority of women. It's very hard to lose weight, specially if there's a hormonal imbalance. Why did she get a hysterectomy? Is she taking hormones? Does she have other health issues?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> You mention she had a hysterectomy. Was it a full one? Did they take her ovaries as well?


The ovaries were left.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

pastasauce79 said:


> She used to be skin and bones then! I'm 5'2" and my weight was 105 lbs. last year, everyone said I was too skinny!
> 
> Women gain weight with menopause. That's a reality for the majority of women. It's very hard to lose weight, specially if there's a hormonal imbalance. Why did she get a hysterectomy? Is she taking hormones? Does she have other health issues?


I’m going to second this. I’m 5’4 and I looked emancipated any lower than 118 or so.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> The ovaries were left.


Well that is good. Has she gone through menopause?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m going to second this. I’m 5’4 and I looked emancipated any lower than 118 or so.


To each their own. I thought she looked great. Even if she would have gained 5 or 10 pounds that would have been fine. Like I say, I've always been attracted to slender women.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> Well that is good. Has she gone through menopause?


That I don't know. Women and menopause are clueless to me. She's not having hot flashes or anything like that. Not that I know of. On the contract, she's always cold. She'll sit with a heating pad or heating blanket on all day long.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> To each their own. I thought she looked great. Even if she would have gained 5 or 10 pounds that would have been fine. Like I say, I've always been attracted to slender women.


She is never going to be 105 again. Like ever...I can see her dropping 15 or 20 pounds but 105 is off the table.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> That I don't know. Women and menopause are clueless to me. She's not having hot flashes or anything like that. Not that I know of. On the contract, she's always cold. She'll sit with a heating pad or heating blanket on all day long.


Do you sleep in the same bed? No night sweats?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> She is never going to be 105 again. Like ever...I can see her dropping 15 or 20 pounds but 105 is off the table.


The problem is that she's not even trying to drop the 15 or 20. A few weeks ago we went through her closet and got rid of 90% of the dresses she can't wear anymore because they are just too small. I'm still wearing suits from before we met and that was some 20 years ago. Yes, we all put on weight but 60 lbs is a bit much. I didn't expect her to stay 105 but 160+?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> Do you sleep in the same bed? No night sweats?


Yep, same bed every night. We both have little fans on out nightstands that we use from time to time but it's not like she's constantly hot. Right now she's sitting in the living room wrapped up in her heating blanket.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> The problem is that she's not even trying to drop the 15 or 20. A few weeks ago we went through her closet and got rid of 90% of the dresses she can't wear anymore because they are just too small. I'm still wearing suits from before we met and that was some 20 years ago. Yes, we all put on weight but 60 lbs is a bit much. I didn't expect her to stay 105 but 160+?


You say she just had surgery. I had a hysterectomy coming on 2 years ago. I started walking the day I came home from the hospital. It is the single best thing she can do to avoid blood clots etc....Perhaps suggest you both start walking together.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> That I don't know. Women and menopause are clueless to me. She's not having hot flashes or anything like that. Not that I know of. On the contract, she's always cold. She'll sit with a heating pad or heating blanket on all day long.


Do you know why she had a hysterectomy? 

I mean menopause is not rocket science, did she still have a period before having the surgery? 

What do you know about her health? Not knowing what your spouse is going through is another issue that shows how cluless you are about what's going on with her! 

Perimenopause (the years before menopause) is a b*tch!!! She could have been suffering from a lot of things. But since you are clueless about her, you complain about the symptoms but don't have a clue about what's causing all the changes. I bet they are all related!

I would feel unloved if my husband didn't care about what my body is going through. Time to decide what you want to do.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You still sound like you hate her, and wishing she was 105 pounds at 5'6" in middle age is very ick. She'd look emaciated and probably feel horrible at that weight.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> Do you know why she had a hysterectomy?
> 
> I mean menopause is not rocket science, did she still have a period before having the surgery?
> 
> ...


She had it because she was having abnormally heavy periods and the doctor suggested it.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> You still sound like you hate her, and wishing she was 105 pounds at 5'6" in middle age is very ick. She'd look emaciated and probably feel horrible at that weight.


I don't hate her, I just want her to lay off me sometimes. 50 years old is too old to be acting like a teenager who just saw her boyfriend carrying the books of another girl.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> She had it because she was having abnormally heavy periods and the doctor suggested it.


Then she was not in menopause.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

4thtwin said:


> The problem is that she's not even trying to drop the 15 or 20. A few weeks ago we went through her closet and got rid of 90% of the dresses she can't wear anymore because they are just too small. I'm still wearing suits from before we met and that was some 20 years ago. Yes, we all put on weight but 60 lbs is a bit much. I didn't expect her to stay 105 but 160+?


Yea, I can totally sympathize but it has to be handled delicately. 160 lbs at 5’6” is kinda of high but it’s unrealistic to expect a middle aged mother to be anywhere near 105 . She was 105 when you met her but wasn’t that about 20 years ago. 

You better be rocking a six pack to be this judgmental of your wife body. Not that most women are looking for that from their man in their 50s but to expect your wife to be anywhere near 105 is just as unrealistic.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I am guessing that before the surgery she was in the early years of peri-menopause when abnormally heavy periods are common. That’s now done and over so one less thing to worry about. You’re attracted to very thin women but she’ll unlikely ever be that again because she’s apparently not interested in losing weight just as she’s not interested in doing many other things. As to the other stuff, tune her out. You give her too much space in your head. Your only options are to accept her as she is or leave her. I didn’t mention cheating as an option because that creates far more problems than it solves — imagine her announcing to your congregation one Sunday that you cheated.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Let me fill you guys in on the events from just yesterday.

You ever tried to have a discussion with someone and when you tell them the problem or something they may be doing wrong the first words out of their mouth is, "I know I am but what about you?" She turns everything back on you to make it look like what you did is far worse than what she did to you.

Here's what happened. My wife and I have been members of our church for several years and in the past 6 months the pastor has asked me to be a deacon. A position I take very seriously. I have taken on a number of new roles since being asked. My wife, on the other hand, would just rather be a pew warmer. Well, since the pandemic hit our church has begun a 6 AM prayer where everyone calls into a conference line and the pastor would lead us in prayer for about 15 minutes just to begin our day. My wife and I are normally up at that time anyway so it's no problem with us dialing in for 15 minutes. In the past few months he has started asking various church members in leadership to lead the prayer. Several weeks ago I was asked to lead the prayer. I did it with no problem. My wife was in the shower and when she came out she dialed in and caught the tail end of my prayer. I mentioned to her why she couldn't have waited to shower or showered earlier so she could hear me. She sort of shrugged it off like that was her schedule and "well, I caught the end of your praying." I let it go. Earlier this week the pastor asked me to lead the mooring prayer again this Thursday. Again, I had no problem with it. Now, with my wife having her surgery last Wed she's still home recuperating. She was out driving last Sat, 3 days after her surgery and all she's doing is sitting on the sofa watching Netflix and Hulu all day. I let her know I had to lead the morning prayer again this Thurs and pretty much her response to me was "set your clock to wake you up and be quite so you don't wake me." Thursday came, I woke, left the room and shut the bedroom door and went in the kitchen to lead the entire congregation in the morning prayer. My wife didn't even bother to get on the call. She just stayed in bed. And for those who are saying, "well, she is recovering from surgery." Look, I'm not trying to diminish any surgery. But what use to be a 5 - 7 day stay in the hospital years ago has now been boiled down to a few hours in recovery and they send you home the same day. Yeah, she's got still some soreness at the incision site but she's not bedridden. 

Later in the day when I mentioned to my wife that it would have been nice to have her support on the prayer line, not even to dial in but to just wake up and listen to me pray, she turned everything around on me. This is how.

Since my wife and I have been working from home our lunch schedules are different. When she goes to lunch she'll go drive somewhere and get her something to eat. And same for me. That's if we don't just pull out some leftovers from last night's dinner. Well, yesterday I went to lunch and got a burger. She was siting on the sofa. When I mentioned to her that it would have been nice to have her support on the prayer line this was her reply. "Oh, you want my support on the prayer line but you didn't even think enough of me to ask if I wanted any lunch." We've never went and just bought each other's lunch. And earlier this week my wife walked around the corner to the local restaurant and got her own lunch. Plus, she's a big Postmates, Grubhub, and Uber Eats person. She has no problem getting food delivered. But because I went out, like I always do, and got my lunch and didn't think to get hers then she's mad. She didn't think to ask me if I wanted anything from the restaurant around the corner when she went earlier this week but I'm suppose to always think about her when I go get something for myself.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

4thtwin said:


> Let me fill you guys in on the events from just yesterday.
> 
> You ever tried to have a discussion with someone and when you tell them the problem or something they may be doing wrong the first words out of their mouth is, "I know I am but what about you?" She turns everything back on you to make it look like what you did is far worse than what she did to you.
> 
> ...


4thwin, you guys sound like teenagers arguing over who got the biggest slice of cake. Seriously! The tit-for-tat would drive me nuts.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

karole said:


> 4thwin, you guys sound like teenagers arguing over who got the biggest slice of cake. Seriously! The tit-for-tat would drive me nuts.


This isn't a tit for tat thing. I would have loved her support. Now mind you, when she sung with another church on their Easter concert a few weeks ago she sent out a group text message to everyone in the family asking them to log in to see her sing. She was one of 6 people singing. I went with her and sat in the congregation. With social distancing there were only about 4 other people in the entire church other then the 6 singers, the pastor, and his wife. But again, anything she's involved in she expects everyone to tune in to see her and support her. This church even streamed it on Facebook and when I logged in to see how many people were viewing there were at most 18 people watching and I was one of them. So no, this isn't a tit for tat thing.

If I don't tell her what's bothering me then how is she supposed to know? But when I do mention it then I'm a "teenager arguing over who got the biggest piece of cake."


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She knows you have contempt for her and it's coloring all of her actions with you. She knows you can't stand her.

Just read that you wrote about her hysterectomy recovery. She's off of work for surgery, and look how you put it about her watching Hulu and Netflix all day. With derision. You dislike her so much. FYI I had a hysterectomy, was out of work for 6 weeks, and all I did at first was watch Netflix. It's a big surgery for the body, I didn't get all of my energy back for a couple of months.

You hate her and she knows it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

4thtwin said:


> This isn't a tit for tat thing. I would have loved her support. Now mind you, when she sung with another church on their Easter concert a few weeks ago she sent out a group text message to everyone in the family asking them to log in to see her sing. She was one of 6 people singing. I went with her and sat in the congregation. With social distancing there were only about 4 other people in the entire church other then the 6 singers, the pastor, and his wife. But again, anything she's involved in she expects everyone to tune in to see her and support her. This church even streamed it on Facebook and when I logged in to see how many people were viewing there were at most 18 people watching and I was one of them. So no, this isn't a tit for tat thing.
> 
> If I don't tell her what's bothering me then how is she supposed to know? But when I do mention it then I'm a "teenager arguing over who got the biggest piece of cake."


dude: honestly, you're now being winny. it doesn't becomes you. You two have reversed to middle school.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

LADIES, help me understand something.

I learned that with my wife's hysterectomy surgery a few weeks ago that since they left her ovaries she only had a partial hysterectomy. The ovaries control her estrogen and things like that. Last night my wife got into bed with me and said that because of her surgery she might be going through mood swings. I'm not a doctor by a long shot but I have a mother and my oldest sister who had the same surgery and neither of them ever had mood swings. Granted, one woman's surgery can't be compared to another woman's surgery but I feel this is just an excuse my wife is using to justify her behavior and I should just be patient with her. 

A few days ago she told me that she has decided to take her full 6 weeks off work and only get partial pay while she's recouping. Ok, my wife works in the accounting dept of her job processing checks and things and applying payments. She's not doing strenuous work like lifting or working in a warehouse. Her computer is at our kitchen table and she sits all day long. However, she's not ready to go back to work but she can sit on the sofa from 8 AM until 6 PM watching Netflix, Hulu, or what have you. Plus she's sitting there hosting bingo games on Facebook. My thing is this. If you can sit and watch TV all day playing bingo and only get partial pay from your job then why not go back to work and sit all day and get 100% of your pay. 

When we get ready to go somewhere and we decide to take her car then she likes to throw the "I just had surgery and shouldn't be driving" card into the mix. But when she wakes up she'll shower, get dressed, fix her hair, then drive down the street to get her coffee. Or, when lunch time comes she'll gladly go drive to her favorite soul food restaurant to get something to eat. Nobody is saying she should do a 4 hours road trip behind the wheel but running errands around town shouldn't be that big of a deal at this point. She can drive to her doctor's appointments or to Target but when "we" have to go somewhere then "I really shouldn't be driving." This allows her to sit in the passenger seat and scroll through her Facebook timeline. She's so addicted to Facebook until she's on it nearly every minute she woke.

And my wife is what you would call a paranoid person. She, like most people in the world, has owned cars before. She knows nothing about cars but likes to self-diagnose any squeak, squeal, or knock she hears then goes out and buys the parts expecting me to fix what "she thinks" is wrong. For months now she's been complaining about the brakes on her car needing to be changed. I've driven her car and have ridden in it countless times and not once have I ever heard her brakes squeak. Again, this has been going on for months. The other day she walks into the house after going to the local auto parts store with a pkg of brake pads expecting me to change them this weekend. I'm not about to go change brakes on a car that doesn't need brakes changed. She complains that she's had cars to break down on her in the past and she doesn't want that to ever happen again so anytime she thinks something is wrong she wants it fixed. They don't make a car that will never break down. All cars break down but I don't know anyone who runs their car to the shop and pays a $90 diagnostic fee just for the service guy to either tell them nothing is wrong with the car or they give you a list of 15 things that need to be "looked at" at a cost of over $1000. She drives a 2009 Nissan Murano and expects it to run like a 2021 Lexus. The tire pressure light has been on in her car for nearly a year and she wants to take it to the tire place to get it fixed. I told her that's probably one of the most overrated service warning lights that could have ever been put on cars. I told her that since her car is over 11 years old the little batteries in those sensors are probably just draining. As long as your tires are properly inflated just ignore the light. You'll know when it's flat. And that's what she's trying to prevent. But you can't prevent everything. Maybe you can but you'll go broke fixing things that don't need to be fixed. Her thing is that since I know how to fix on cars then she shouldn't have to take her car to a shop and pay someone to do repairs. Yeah, I can fix some things but I'm not an ASE certified mechanic. I just watched my dad work on cars and I picked up those things from him. A brake job is a simple fix but I'm not jacking up a car, removing the tires, and replacing brake pads that aren't worn yet simply because she thinks they need to be replaced.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Omg. You hate her so much.

But since you asked, it takes a long time to _fully_ heal from a hysterectomy. Like 6 months. She likely won't get her full energy back until then. 

She's in her 50s and now has had her uterus removed. They left the ovaries, but they often shrink and stop functioning when they sense the uterus is gone. She's in menopause age anyway, so yes she going to be going through huge hormonal changes for the next few years.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Omg. You hate her so much.
> 
> But since you asked, it takes a long time to _fully_ heal from a hysterectomy. Like 6 months. She likely won't get her full energy back until then.
> 
> She's in her 50s and now has had her uterus removed. They left the ovaries, but they often shrink and stop functioning when they sense the uterus is gone. She's in menopause age anyway, so yes she going to be going through huge hormonal changes for the next few years.


I don't hate her but I do question the things she does. You mean to tell me you've never been in a relationship with someone and you questioned what they did? Does that mean you hate them? Probably not. But who tells someone "I just had surgery so I'm probably going to be moody for the next few years."


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I wouldn't say you hate your wife. I would say that, whether you realize it or not, you have a great deal of contempt for her. 

This will not be the first time someone has pointed this out to you. It's not even the first time _I've_ pointed it out to you. 

Your wife knows how you feel about her. That knowledge does not encourage her to be on her best behavior. Her behavior causes you to react negatively. You two are in a nasty cycle of poor behavior, anger, contempt, disdain, and dismissiveness. The cycle will stop only when one of you decides to stop it. It doesn't seem like that's going to be you. Because something inside of you needs, is feeding off of, this nastiness. Maybe something inside her, too. 

Either way, you seem determined to cling to your miserable marriage like grim death. You really should understand that doing so is a choice you are making. It's not something that's being done to you. It's not some persecution you have been called upon to endure for your faith. _It's a choice_. One that you control entirely. 

Was one of your parents the martyr type? Because you're coming across that way and that's usually something that's a learned mindset/behavior from one's family of origin.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Rowan said:


> I wouldn't say you hate your wife. I would say that, whether you realize it or not, you have a great deal of contempt for her.
> 
> This will not be the first time someone has pointed this out to you. It's not even the first time _I've_ pointed it out to you.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I guess it's contempt there. I'm just tired of having to jump every time she barks. There's nothing wrong with her brakes but if I don't go change them then I've gotta hear "you must want me to be in an unsafe car" for the next 6 months. I've told her many times, "if you feel there's something wrong with your can then take it to a mechanic and pay them to diagnose it for you." No, she doesn't want to do that because she feels that I should just do things for free. If you know someone who is a barber does that mean you should never have to pay for a haircut. If someone you know is a baker then does that mean every time a special occasion comes around and you need a cake they should do it for free? You can't own a car and feel you should ever have to pay for a repair simply because your husband knows how to change oil so he should be able to rebuild your transmission. Contempt, maybe. But are these divorceable offences, probably not. But I hope you understand. Every day it's something different with her. "The air is low in my tire." "I heard a knock when I ran over a pothole." "I can smell that my oil needs to be changed." 

I have a master's in counseling and she only has a high school diploma and it is very frustrating when she constantly throws up in your face that "I know more than you" or "you have a degree in counseling but don't know how to help anyone." You know how frustrating it is to go through all those years of schooling only to have someone tell you "you don't know a thing." I don't counsel anyone I know, especially my wife. I love her but my God she always makes everything so difficult and ramps things up 1000% when it doesn't need to be.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

😮 I find it distressing that you have a degree in counseling and seen unable to lead your marriage out of conflict and toxic cycles. 😮😮😮😮😮😮


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> I have a master's in counseling and she only has a high school diploma


So what's your point? Richard Branson dropped out of school at age 16. He's dyslexic. Education, to me at least, isn't a barometer of common sense, general knowledge, or success. 

The thing is, for pages now people have been telling you the same thing. And you have basically responded the same way. It's one thing to complain about one's spouse. Everyone does it from time to time. But you have a litany of complaints that go beyond the general she's-a-pain-in-the-ass-at-times.

I can't address her issues. After all, you're the one posting here, not her. And you really need to get off your high horse and take a step back. Hopefully, you will become a bit more objective. 

Because from where I'm sitting, here's what I'm hearing:

She's obnoxious.
You want her to get out of your face and off your back.
She's a nag.
She's inflexible when it comes to what she wants.
Apparently, she's not particularly bright, having used incorrect words when she meant something else.
And she's "only" got a h.s. diploma.

Okay. I'm tired of hearing about her. HOW ABOUT YOU? Can you step back and see that coming here with all these complaints isn't going to solve the issue? Can you also see that every time anyone suggests something, it's met with "I've already tried that."

Fine. THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE HAPPEN HERE THAT WILL IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE? Do you see how YOU have contributed to some of the angst? Do you see how you frame many of the issues from the stance that your ways are "right" while her ways are misguided, wrong, irritating, and/or rather unacceptable to you?

Physician, heal thyself.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Let me clarify what I meant by mentioning my master's degree. No, I wasn't trying to say that I'm smarter because I have several degrees and she has zero. I was just wanting it to be understood that I was not a dumb man. I do not buy into the idea of "let the woman run everything." 

Here's the latest on her surgery. This coming Wed will be a whole month since she had her hysterotomy and she's still milking the "I can't do anything because I'm recuperating" stoyr line. However, she can do everything else except go back to work. She has decided to take her full 6 weeks off with partial pay instead of going back to work for full pay. All she's doing now is sitting in our living room on the sofa watching Netflix, Hulu, and HBO Max, however, she can't go back to the kitchen table and log into her workstation and go back to work. We can spend all day Sat our running errands, walking around multiple malls, and going to restaurants but's she's still recuperating so she can't go to church and sit there for 90 minutes. She told me that she's not going back to church until she's 100% healed. But, she's now asking me to sit down and plan our vacation. Yes, you may think I have contempt for her and you're right. I do. It's been a month since her procedure and she is having no pain whatsoever but she is still taking her entire time off work for less pay than to go back to work and get her full pay. Again, I'm not saying she should have gone back to work the next week but it's been a month. She even mentioned about us having sex again. If you're healthy enough for sex then you should be healthy enough to go back to work, sitting all day.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

4thtwin said:


> Let me clarify what I meant by mentioning my master's degree. No, I wasn't trying to say that I'm smarter because I have several degrees and she has zero. I was just wanting it to be understood that I was not a dumb man. I do not buy into the idea of "let the woman run everything."
> 
> Here's the latest on her surgery. This coming Wed will be a whole month since she had her hysterotomy and she's still milking the "I can't do anything because I'm recuperating" stoyr line. However, she can do everything else except go back to work. She has decided to take her full 6 weeks off with partial pay instead of going back to work for full pay. All she's doing now is sitting in our living room on the sofa watching Netflix, Hulu, and HBO Max, however, she can't go back to the kitchen table and log into her workstation and go back to work. We can spend all day Sat our running errands, walking around multiple malls, and going to restaurants but's she's still recuperating so she can't go to church and sit there for 90 minutes. She told me that she's not going back to church until she's 100% healed. But, she's now asking me to sit down and plan our vacation. Yes, you may think I have contempt for her and you're right. I do. It's been a month since her procedure and she is having no pain whatsoever but she is still taking her entire time off work for less pay than to go back to work and get her full pay. Again, I'm not saying she should have gone back to work the next week but it's been a month. She even mentioned about us having sex again. If you're healthy enough for sex then you should be healthy enough to go back to work, sitting all day.


I think most people would rather chew on asbestos than live this way sir. You are CLEARLY miserable. So do something about it. Buy the house next door and see her for an hour a day. Get a cabin in the woods and see her once a month. Get a divorce and see her never again. Whatever... just do something about it. Do you think figuring out her uterus is going to fix this situation??? Enjoy a peaceful life doing whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it, with whomever you want to do it with... away from her! That’s your solution. She is not going to get more kind and accommodating as time goes on, and neither are you. You want to spend the next 20 to 30 years like this????


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@4thtwin ,

As you said, you are a smart man. You have a degree in counseling, so you know that someone who counsels speaks to the person who is in the chair "in front of them" and that no one can change anyone else--in summary, the only person YOU can change is YOU. So since I'm going to assume that you are a smart, informed man who considers himself a Christian, here's my one question to you:

*Why are you here?*

If you are just here to vent, and you don't want to solve anything...okay we can let you ***** and not offer "solutions." But nothing will change. All that will happen is that you'll come here to *****, and we'll say "Uh huh..."

I would venture a guess that you absolutely WILL NOT allow yourself to divorce, because that would interfere with your role as a deacon (since your wife isn't cheating you'd have no biblical basis to divorce).

Since you can not change HER, and you will not divorce her because of your deacon position, here's the blatant truth: nothing is going to change and you are going to be in this living hell as long as one of you is alive. I'd say, learn how to deal with it, and by "deal with it" I mean "How in the world are you going to cope with being so angry and so miserable but change nothing?"

Because here's the truth--a truth that it seems you don't want to hear--you can not change her. The only person you can change is YOU, and in order to be happy in this marriage, you would have to change YOUR point of view and the way you think of her, and they way you feel about her, and the way you treat her. YOU change, not her. When you married her, you made a vow to spend the rest of your life learning about her so you could treat her in a loving way. Are YOU living up to that promise? As her Christian husband, your duty is to love her as Christ loved the Church (and He obeyed His Father and did His will, even to death!). Are YOU living up to that duty? As her Christian husband and head authority, you have an obligation to guide her in growth and Christian maturity...leading by example. Are YOU being a loving guide?

See...the issue that I personally see is that my concept of a Christian husband would be someone who treats their wife with at least the kindness and consideration that they would show a guest in their home who's come over for dinner. When someone from church is invited to your home for hospitality, do you critique how much they work (or don't work)? Do you grouse to them about how long their surgery recovery is taking? Do you feel anger toward them if they ask you to help them with a car problem they're having? See what I mean? You treat STRANGERS kindly and with manners, and they aren't family--they are associates maybe from church. Your WIFE is supposed to be someone whom you love and treat with gentleness and kindness!

So the change here that's needed is to YOUR heart. I'm not saying she's perfect--honestly she's a bit mean-spirited and forceful and demanding sounding. But you are too! I have not heard even ONE KIND WORD about your wife, or one thing for which you are grateful. So if you change you, then the dynamic has the possibility of changing. If you choose to continue to vent and harden your heart to changing, then you will continue to be miserable and angry. It's your choice.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> I think most people would rather chew on asbestos than live this way sir. You are CLEARLY miserable. So do something about it. Buy the house next door and see her for an hour a day. Get a cabin in the woods and see her once a month. Get a divorce and see her never again. Whatever... just do something about it. Do you think figuring out her uterus is going to fix this situation??? Enjoy a peaceful life doing whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it, with whomever you want to do it with... away from her! That’s your solution. She is not going to get more kind and accommodating as time goes on, and neither are you. You want to spend the next 20 to 30 years like this????


Easier said than done. Divorce is not easy and takes time. She's the type to where if anyone, especially from our church, asks her to do anything she's quick to turn them down and say no. But she wanted to make sure that her name was on the church's prayer list. And even asks me every Sunday when I come home from church, "did anyone ask about me?" She just wants sympathy from everyone. If you want to be hurt, sick, and in pain then you're going to be hurt, sick, and in pain. I had my gallbladder removed a number of years ago and I was down for all of a week. After that I got up and started moving around to make myself feel better. I stayed home from church 1 sunday and that was it.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

4thtwin said:


> Easier said than done. Divorce is not easy and takes time. She's the type to where if anyone, especially from our church, asks her to do anything she's quick to turn them down and say no. But she wanted to make sure that her name was on the church's prayer list. And even asks me every Sunday when I come home from church, "did anyone ask about me?" She just wants sympathy from everyone. If you want to be hurt, sick, and in pain then you're going to be hurt, sick, and in pain. I had my gallbladder removed a number of years ago and I was down for all of a week. After that I got up and started moving around to make myself feel better. I stayed home from church 1 sunday and that was it.


Ok, then make peace with the fact you married this woman and you’re not going to divorce her so figure out how to accept exactly who she is and obviously she will change nothing.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> @4thtwin ,
> 
> As you said, you are a smart man. You have a degree in counseling, so you know that someone who counsels speaks to the person who is in the chair "in front of them" and that no one can change anyone else--in summary, the only person YOU can change is YOU. So since I'm going to assume that you are a smart, informed man who considers himself a Christian, here's my one question to you:
> 
> ...


This is not a post about me praising my wife so when you say I've not said a kind word about her, keep in mind my original post. So I have to do all the changing and acceptance of her but she just remains the same? Wow, that seems fair. I'm trying to get her to meet me in the middle somewhere and not just me meeting her all the way. Those days of quietly talking and discussing everything while eating dinner or watching TV are long gone. She refuses to listen to anything. She gets a runny nose and wants to stay in bed for 3 days because she ramps it up to pneumonia. But then gets mad at me when I won't wait on her hand and foot. Yes, if it was pneumonia I'd have no problem doing it. But a runny nose doesn't rise to the level of me making you chicken soup and letting you lay your head on my shoulder at night so you can sleep.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

4thtwin said:


> This is not a post about me praising my wife so when you say I've not said a kind word about her, keep in mind my original post. So I have to do all the changing and acceptance of her but she just remains the same? Wow, that seems fair. I'm trying to get her to meet me in the middle somewhere and not just me meeting her all the way. Those days of quietly talking and discussing everything while eating dinner or watching TV are long gone. She refuses to listen to anything. She gets a runny nose and wants to stay in bed for 3 days because she ramps it up to pneumonia. But then gets mad at me when I won't wait on her hand and foot. Yes, if it was pneumonia I'd have no problem doing it. But a runny nose doesn't rise to the level of me making you chicken soup and letting you lay your head on my shoulder at night so you can sleep.


Sir, you are a cat chasing your tail, going around in circles. What is it exactly that you want to do? As I see it, you can continue with the way things are currently and bite your tongue; or divorce. There doesn't seem to be any other options. Your wife is not going to change. I'm sorry, but those are simply the facts, unfortunately. Personally, I could not live in a miserable marriage. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

karole said:


> Sir, you are a cat chasing your tail, going around in circles. What is it exactly that you want to do? As I see it, you can continue with the way things are currently and bite your tongue; or divorce. There doesn't seem to be any other options. Your wife is not going to change. I'm sorry, but those are simply the facts, unfortunately. Personally, I could not live in a miserable marriage. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do.


You don't just throw the "D" word around unless you mean it.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

4thtwin said:


> You don't just throw the "D" word around unless you mean it.


Agree! I would mean it if I said it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

There's probably a name or acronym for it, but I don't know what it is. What we have here is a situation for which there is no solution. Every suggestion is disregarded. You have a choice: You can either continue living this way, or you can change your life. A divorce may or may not be in the future. There is no way in hell I would live your life. No. Nada. Zero. 

Your wife has serious mental issues. If you're the type who will stay "until death do you part" with a physical illness, like I am, and if you treat mental illness the same way, you should suck it up and stop complaining. Life is not perfect. If you feel like your wife can or should be able to have control over her issues, then it's a different ballgame. You're living in bondage. I would never live like that.

I, too, don't like people coming to my house unannounced. My kids have keys, just like I do to their houses. However, if I go over to theirs, I knock or ring before I go in. I don't have to. It's a matter of courtesy. My kids sort of do the same thing, but they're not as consistent as I am. My spouse and I may have some things going on that we don't want to be walked in on, so a little notice is helpful. 

Either get on or get off. I'm not sure what you want from TAM. If you'll spell it out for us, I'm sure you'll get it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> So I have to do all the changing and acceptance of her but she just remains the same? Wow, that seems fair. I'm trying to get her to meet me in the middle somewhere and not just me meeting her all the way.


Get this through your thick skull: It's not fair. Life isn't fair. She doesn't want to change. She wants to remain the way she is. She doesn't seem motivated or interested in meeting you in the middle. She's proven that in numerous ways.

So either accept it for what it is or just continue to complain. @Affaircare asked you what you want. You want her to meet you halfway. AGAIN IT APPEARS SHE DOES NOT WANT TO DO THIS.

Stay and complain for the rest of your life. It's not going to gain you a damn thing, other than maybe an ulcer or high blood pressure. I just can't figure out why you keep complaining. Because, from where I'm sitting, this endless bellyaching fest is not productive and nobody sees your point.

P.S. - And bringing up your graduate degree??? C'mon, man ... if all you wanted to do was point out you had an advanced degree (which apparently proves how smart you are) to a bunch of online strangers, you wouldn't have to mention how your wife just has a h.s. diploma.



Affaircare said:


> *Since you can not change HER, and you will not divorce her because of your deacon position, here's the blatant truth: nothing is going to change and you are going to be in this living hell as long as one of you is alive. I'd say, learn how to deal with it, and by "deal with it" I mean "How in the world are you going to cope with being so angry and so miserable but change nothing?"*


^^THIS.^^


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

4thtwin said:


> This is not a post about me praising my wife so when you say I've not said a kind word about her, keep in mind my original post.


Okay...so the point of this thread is to have a place to whine about your wife and her numerous shortcomings. Got it. 

I mentioned "not a kind word" because the way we think is the way we talk, and the way we talk is the way we FEEL. When I speak about my Beloved Hubby (who also posts here on TAM... @Emerging Buddhist ) I never, ever under any circumstance allow a disparaging remark to pass my lips. Know why? Because I decided to be that way about him. I want to feel love and respect for him, so when I'm all alone, by myself, talking to strangers online...I build him up, I point out all the things I love about him, and I speak kindly...as if he is a friend whom I care about deeply and for whom want the best. When I talk that way, I THINK that way. I think of him highly. I enjoy almost everything he does. I listen to his advice and am happy to let him just roll with the flow on his preferences. Thinking-talking-feeling are all linked together, and if all you do all day long is crab about your wife and every little way in which she falls short of your expectations, then you are going to think that way about her and feel that way about her! 

Have you ever TRIED saying a kind word about her? Your daughter can't have the baby and stay at your house afterward for a few months...but viewing it kindly, you could change your thoughts and say "My wife kindly allowed my daughter to have SOME TIME AT ALL and helped her with the new baby." FYI: when I had both of my children, I didn't move into my parents' homes or expect them to "help me." I was an adult and I did it by myself.  Your wife wants some sympathy after a partial hysterectomy. Well...viewing it kindly maybe this was a big, scary deal to her. Maybe she was afraid it would hurt or she'd start menopause right away. Maybe she just wants to be able to put her head in your lap and feel some support. FYI: when my Beloved Hubby caught a cold (once, in all the time I've known him) I actually DID make him chicken soup and let him put his head in my lap...even though it was just a cold and a runny nose, I let him have one moment of TLC.



> So I have to do all the changing and acceptance of her but she just remains the same? Wow, that seems fair. I'm trying to get her to meet me in the middle somewhere and not just me meeting her all the way.


Good heavens! Are you a grown man or a child? I have some bad new for you: life is not fair. It never has been fair. Was it fair for Joseph to be beaten up by his brothers and sold into slavery? Was it fair for Moses to grow up in the house of Pharoah when all the other Hebrews where slaves? Was it fair for David to have to hide in caves so Saul wouldn't kill him...just because Saul was jealous? Was it fair for Ruth to be a young widow and have to follow her mother-in-law around and try to feed her? Was it fair for Jesus to have to die? Was it fair for Paul to be thrown in prison? Was it fair for Peter to be crucified upside down? I mean, my goodness! REALLY?

I didn't say you do all the changing and she just stays the same, but she's not here. She doesn't have a burning desire for something different (except maybe a husband who doesn't speak ill of her). YOU are here, and what's funny is that if you changed your attitude on some of these things, you wouldn't be so miserable! For example, she took the whole 6 weeks at partial pay instead of going back to work for full pay. So what? Will the earth stand still because she took a few extra weeks off? Will your finances collapse? If not, the absolute worst case scenario is that she feels like treating herself a little and you don't. You are here and not happy--and you are demanding your way...and she is NOT here and is happy to ignore your demands. Is it easier for you to change YOU or to keep struggling to try to change her to do things your way? What would happen if you just said to yourself: "Well...I don't agree with her choice, but okay she's a free woman and that's her decision"? 

So yeah, you can choose to keep fighting her to make her change (and continue to be angry and frustrated)...OR you can choose to accept that life isn't fair, and that if you are going to choose to NOT divorce, you are going to have to be the one to accept her...as she is. 



> Those days of quietly talking and discussing everything while eating dinner or watching TV are long gone. She refuses to listen to anything.


Who is the one refusing to listen, I wonder?



> She gets a runny nose and wants to stay in bed for 3 days because she ramps it up to pneumonia. But then gets mad at me when I won't wait on her hand and foot. Yes, if it was pneumonia I'd have no problem doing it. But a runny nose doesn't rise to the level of me making you chicken soup and letting you lay your head on my shoulder at night so you can sleep.


See my story above about my Beloved Hubby. Yep, it sounds to me like she's a person who soaks up sympathy. Did you ever wonder why? What is it about her or her past or her heart that she so deeply needs sympathy? Would a little TLC really kill you? I mean...when people are sick a little, they want to be spoiled a little.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Sfort said:


> There's probably a name or acronym for it, but I don't know what it is. What we have here is a situation for which there is no solution. Every suggestion is disregarded. You have a choice: You can either continue living this way, or you can change your life. A divorce may or may not be in the future. There is no way in hell I would live your life. No. Nada. Zero.
> 
> Your wife has serious mental issues. If you're the type who will stay "until death do you part" with a physical illness, like I am, and if you treat mental illness the same way, you should suck it up and stop complaining. Life is not perfect. If you feel like your wife can or should be able to have control over her issues, then it's a different ballgame. You're living in bondage. I would never live like that.
> 
> ...


I guess I just want to know how to get her to stop being such a baby at 50 years old and take responsibility for the things she does. No one is sick all the time to where they feel that their mate should just take care of them. No one needs to be up someone's ass so much till when they walk to the door the first question out of their mouth is "where are you going". Can a person not walk to the door without being grilled? If I get up from the sofa I get the same thing. "Where are you going?" If she walks in the house and I'm on the phone she stares in my face wanting to know who I'm talking to. Or if I'm in one room on the phone and she's in the next room she'll mute her TV to hear what I'm saying or who I'm talking to. If I get a text message and don't tell her who it's from and what it was about then she feels I'm keeping a secret. It just gets old after a while. YES, I've spoken to her about this but she refuses to grow up a little. If I'm on the phone with a co-worker sitting right next to her and she hears the entire conversation and you can tell it's about work. The first question after I hang up is, "Who was that?"


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

She may not have the ability to overcome the problem. She has serious mental issues. You cannot solve them for her. She needs professional help. If she won't seek it, you decide to accept or reject her decision. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but posting more and more of her idiosyncrasies is not necessary to convince us that she is mentally ill.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

4th, there is a book by Dr. John Gottman called "The Four Horsemen of Divorce" and you may benefit from reading it and deciding how much your marriage reflects against a marriage that will fail.

You're confusing us when we say "won't" and "can't" with "shouldn't". Your wife WON'T change therefore you CAN'T change her. SHOULD she change and meet you halfway? Yes of course but she's already said that she won't. There are no magic words for you to say to her to change that. Not even the best counselor in the world can make her want to change when she doesn't want to. This is who she is and who she wants to be. You're not going to get through to her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

4thtwin said:


> Let me fill you guys in on the events from just yesterday.
> 
> You ever tried to have a discussion with someone and when you tell them the problem or something they may be doing wrong the first words out of their mouth is, "I know I am but what about you?" She turns everything back on you to make it look like what you did is far worse than what she did to you.
> 
> ...


You already said she's not really into the whole church thing, so why would you expect her to be your audience at 6 in the friggin morning? She's not going to become you no matter how long you stay married to her. She's not going to take orders from you either because she's not your employee. I'm having trouble fathoming this "other universe" you lived in that gave you these expectations, honestly.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can’t “get her to stop” doing anything and that’s apparently what you refuse to accept.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I appreciate the time and effort @Affaircare put into her thoughtful responses to the OP. I think it's pretty obvious that he's one of those people who comes here just to complain. That's fine. No point in arguing my stance with someone who just wants to maintain his mantra.

He's not going to get it. Why? Because THIS is his agenda. My guess is everyone he knows got sick and tired of listening to him complain, so he turned to TAM for relief. If all this venting and complaining works for him, I say go for it. For what it's worth, people will just ignore the complaining after awhile. It's a broken record.

Frankly, this marriage sounds like it sucks. But people stay in crappy marriages for years. I don't know why, but it apparently ticks off some points on their agenda list. Carry on.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh I can think of PLENTY of theoretical reasons to stay, most of which people will say (out loud) that "No that's not why I'm staying" but in real life that's it. 

One huge reason to stay is money. If he were to divorce her (or if she were to have enough of his demands and divorce him), he'd lose half of "his money"--meaning half the value of the house, all their investments, all their toys, and everything "he" owns. It's cheaper to keep 'er.

Another reason to stay is the lifestyle. As it stands now, he has a home, a somewhat dutiful wife, kids and step-kids, fairly successful in business/earning... so he has a certain lifestyle he likes and can maintain a certain "pillar of the community" image that he likes. 

Another reason is to stay is because as long as he stays married, he has a literal live-in to blame when things go wrong or life is frustrating-- it can't possibly be him! In other words, he can avoid having to look at the man in the mirror or deny that he's the one who could be more loving; instead he can blame someone else and still feel good about himself. 

Again, most people would deny up one side and down the other that these are the reasons they don't divorce, but in reality a lot of the time, when people weigh the misery of staying to the likelihood of losing money, lifestyle, status or someone else to blame...well let's just say that very many choose to stay miserable. Okay. The way I see it, every single choice has a benefit and a consequence. The BENEFIT of choosing to be miserable and stay is that you get to keep your money, lifestyle, status or scapegoat--and for some that is a legitimate choice. The COST of choosing to be miserable and stay is that you will be miserable for the remainder of your life--and that's where many who make this choice will squeal. They want the benefit without the cost.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You already said she's not really into the whole church thing, so why would you expect her to be your audience at 6 in the friggin morning? She's not going to become you no matter how long you stay married to her. She's not going to take orders from you either because she's not your employee. I'm having trouble fathoming this "other universe" you lived in that gave you these expectations, honestly.


Because she's normally woke and on the prayer line every morning. But when it's my turn to pray that's when she decided to sleep in. However, when ever she's involved in something she sends out a group text to the entire family inviting everyone to support her.


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