# Escape during an attack, good advice?



## Dustbin (Oct 6, 2012)

My husband screams, swears, slams doors intermittently over the most trivial things, like me moving some papers from one desk to another two feet away, or me not changing the tv chanel when he asks me to, he uses highly emotive and blaming language, and it is very loud, vicious, and over in a few seconds.
It started 10 years ago a month after we bought a house together, I have spent all that time pleading with him to stop, warning him of the consequences of him losing my my love and respect, he's been to anger management and we have just completed a stint with marriage guidance, but it still continues with him justifying his rage on my behaviour, as aforementioned.
I've heard of worse abuse on this forum, but after all these years his attacks on me no matter how short lived feel like him jabbing a knife in a barely healed up wound, he thinks I'm over reacting, but his behaviour in the past has been really shocking, and it makes me so angry that he keeps doing it, but I feel I'm running out of options, what else can I do, I'm not prepared to leave him, as he is my soulmate and when he's not being a git, he is wonderfully funny, gentle, caring supportive sexy, and we are totally suited.

What I want to know is, has anyone ever left the house and found refuge in a hotel, or with a friend during an attack, just took off without saying where you were going, and did it make any difference?

I have my escape kit and plan ready and waiting for the next time, but not sure if I'm planning the right thing, constructive comments welcome


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You should never have to just sit there and listen to that. Yes, leave the home during it - but carefully. If you ever feel in danger don't be afraid to call for help. 

I think it would at the very least protect you emotionally and hopefully make him realize you are serious and won't tolerate it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dustbin said:


> My husband screams, swears, slams doors intermittently over the most trivial things, like me moving some papers from one desk to another two feet away, or me not changing the tv chanel when he asks me to, he uses highly emotive and blaming language, and it is very loud, vicious, and over in a few seconds.
> It started 10 years ago a month after we bought a house together, I have spent all that time pleading with him to stop, warning him of the consequences of him losing my my love and respect, he's been to anger management and we have just completed a stint with marriage guidance, but it still continues with him justifying his rage on my behaviour, as aforementioned.
> I've heard of worse abuse on this forum, but after all these years his attacks on me no matter how short lived feel like him jabbing a knife in a barely healed up wound, he thinks I'm over reacting, but his behaviour in the past has been really shocking, and it makes me so angry that he keeps doing it, but I feel I'm running out of options, what else can I do, I'm not prepared to leave him, as he is my soulmate and when he's not being a git, he is wonderfully funny, gentle, caring supportive sexy, and we are totally suited.
> *
> ...


Nope. I divorced his angry ass. NO ONE should be treated in this manner...you have done your due diligence with counseling, etc...it hasnt made a difference...so get out.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Dustbin said:


> What I want to know is, has anyone ever left the house and found refuge in a hotel, or with a friend during an attack, just took off without saying where you were going, and did it make any difference?


Yes, however I told him exactly what I was going to do beforehand (during a calm moment). And then, during the next “episode” I just left. Did it help? Yes, it helped ME and when I returned he would “behave” for a short while and then be back to “business as usual”. I eventually left permanently.

Ask yourself this: Does he act like this toward other people … at work or socially, where there would be unpleasant consequences? If not, then it is not an “anger management” problem rather he is doing it because he wants to and can get away with it.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Red Sonja said:


> Yes, however I told him exactly what I was going to do beforehand (during a calm moment). And then, during the next “episode” I just left. Did it help? Yes, it helped ME and when I returned he would “behave” for a short while and then be back to “business as usual”. I eventually left permanently.
> 
> *Ask yourself this: Does he act like this toward other people … at work or socially, where there would be unpleasant consequences? If not, then it is not an “anger management” problem rather he is doing it because he wants to and can get away with it*.


:iagree:

I agree 1000%!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dustbin said:


> I've heard of worse abuse on this forum, but after all these years his attacks on me no matter how short lived feel like him jabbing a knife in a barely healed up wound, he thinks I'm over reacting, but his behaviour in the past has been really shocking, and it makes me so angry that he keeps doing it, but I feel I'm running out of options, what else can I do,* I'm not prepared to leave him, as he is my soulmate and when he's not being a git, he is wonderfully funny, gentle, caring supportive sexy, and we are totally suited.*


Wow, are you ever in denial! "Soulmates" dont do this to their mate. They arent just sweet in between fits of rage.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

10 years is a long time to be in this situation your nerves must be shot to pieces wondering when it’s going to blow up again. Nothing to add except do what EVER it takes to keep you safe don’t think it, don’t hesitate, just do it.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Dustbin said:


> My husband screams, swears, slams doors intermittently over the most trivial things, like me moving some papers from one desk to another two feet away, or me not changing the tv chanel when he asks me to, he uses highly emotive and blaming language, and it is very loud, vicious, and over in a few seconds.
> It started 10 years ago a month after we bought a house together, I have spent all that time pleading with him to stop, warning him of the consequences of him losing my my love and respect, he's been to anger management and we have just completed a stint with marriage guidance, but it still continues with him justifying his rage on my behaviour, as aforementioned.
> I've heard of worse abuse on this forum, but after all these years his attacks on me no matter how short lived feel like him jabbing a knife in a barely healed up wound, he thinks I'm over reacting, but his behaviour in the past has been really shocking, and it makes me so angry that he keeps doing it, but I feel I'm running out of options, what else can I do, I'm not prepared to leave him, as he is my soulmate and when he's not being a git, he is wonderfully funny, gentle, caring supportive sexy, and we are totally suited.
> 
> ...


I think that somehow, you need to demonstrate that the behaviour is unacceptable. Leaving the room, going for a walk, are all options. I agree but tell him when you're both calm, that this is what you'll do. Lay out the consequences and steps. For me, as soon as he started, if be leaving the room, at least. It's very toxic behaviour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Deep Down said:


> I think that somehow, you need to demonstrate that the behaviour is unacceptable. Leaving the room, going for a walk, are all options. I agree but tell him when you're both calm, that this is what you'll do. Lay out the consequences and steps. For me, as soon as he started, if be leaving the room, at least. It's very toxic behaviour.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also, if he justifies the behaviour it means he thinks it's acceptable... does he really think that given that you've said he's lovely apart from these short outbursts? that doesn't gel to me....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Find and contact your local women's shelter. Every major city has one and they can help you plan your escape and get you in touch with resources.

It's hard to gauge from your description but going to a friends house could potentially be dangerous for the friend. Women who are abuse victims are most like to be killed by thier abuser when they try and leave. You will need help. Lots of it out there


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Dustbin said:


> he is my soulmate and when he's not being a git, he is wonderfully funny, gentle, caring supportive sexy, and we are totally suited.


SOULMATE, MY A$$!

My dad died 19 years ago and not my mom, my four sisters, or myself miss him because he did what you describe. We are relieved he's gone and good riddance! He was a bully and an emotional terrorist and I wish to God somebody would have handed his a$$ to him and taught him a lesson.

He was the most charismatic, wonderful, funny, caring man you would ever meet ... just like how you describe your husband. He was successful, good provider, had social prominence, we loved and admired him, you name it! But the reality is he terrorized us and taught us very bad marriage skills and my poor mother just put up with it. 

Even after he's gone we have suffered intense fallout from it for years because it contaminated our relationship skills so badly. We watched him slowly die from ALS at age 57 and none of us minded seeing him get his comeuppance. At least my mom is free now. 

The only difference between my mom and you is my mom is a couple decades ahead of you on the abuse trajectory. You, like her, will eventually figure out you're better off without the jerk.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

You just had to use the words "escape" and "attack" to describe your relationship with this so called "soulMate". 

Get out now.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dustbin said:


> My husband screams, swears, slams doors intermittently over the most trivial things, like me moving some papers from one desk to another two feet away, or me not changing the tv chanel when he asks me to, he uses highly emotive and blaming language, and it is very loud, vicious, and over in a few seconds.
> It started 10 years ago a month after we bought a house together, I have spent all that time pleading with him to stop, warning him of the consequences of him losing my my love and respect, he's been to anger management and we have just completed a stint with marriage guidance, but it still continues with him justifying his rage on my behaviour, as aforementioned.
> I've heard of worse abuse on this forum, but after all these years his attacks on me no matter how short lived feel like him jabbing a knife in a barely healed up wound, he thinks I'm over reacting, but his behaviour in the past has been really shocking, and it makes me so angry that he keeps doing it, but I feel I'm running out of options, what else can I do, I'm not prepared to leave him, as he is my soulmate and when he's not being a git, he is wonderfully funny, gentle, caring supportive sexy, and we are totally suited.
> 
> ...


Here's your problem...



> ...I'm not prepared to leave him, as he is my soulmate...


And sure, staging an escape during an attack is good advice... but getting the f*ck out now -- BEFORE AN ATTACK -- is even better advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the others. You need to leave. You are being terrorized and you are allowing it to happen.

I also suggest that you get a VAR (voice activated recorder). Keep it active and on you so that you capture his tirades on it. Make sure to make copies of the recordings. At some point you can play them back to him so he can hear how awful he is.

Since your husband is not being arrested for acting like this in public, he has complete control over his 'anger'. It's a tool he uses to control you and keep you off balance emotionally. That's what abusers do.

He's not going to stop.

Tell, had it escalated over time?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You should have two plans. One is long-term. Figure out how much it would cost to live on your own, where you'd stay, where you would work. how you'd get around. Save money on the side, talk to a trusted friend so they know the situation.

The other plan is to have a "go bag"... a small suitcase, gym bag, etc... with a couple changes of clothes. Have an amount of money hidden somewhere you can grab quickly. Try to have a credit card in your name only. Make a list of things you'd need if you needed to leave immediately. Don't wait until that day comes. Get the list ready now. If you feel it's time to run, grab the bag, go down the list of things you will need, put them in the bag and take off.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Dustbin said:


> My husband screams, swears, slams doors intermittently over the most trivial things, like me moving some papers from one desk to another two feet away, or me not changing the tv chanel when he asks me to, he uses highly emotive and blaming language, and it is very loud, vicious, and over in a few seconds.
> It started 10 years ago a month after we bought a house together, I have spent all that time pleading with him to stop, warning him of the consequences of him losing my my love and respect, he's been to anger management and we have just completed a stint with marriage guidance, but it still continues with him justifying his rage on my behaviour, as aforementioned.
> I've heard of worse abuse on this forum, but after all these years his attacks on me no matter how short lived feel like him jabbing a knife in a barely healed up wound, he thinks I'm over reacting, but his behaviour in the past has been really shocking, and it makes me so angry that he keeps doing it, but I feel I'm running out of options, what else can I do, I'm not prepared to leave him, as he is my soulmate and when he's not being a git, he is wonderfully funny, gentle, caring supportive sexy, and we are totally suited.
> 
> ...


You should both move to Colorado and have him smoke some weed. I know this sounds like a joke, but I think that would help him a BUNCH.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You have an escape kit and you call him your soulmate???! Leave. Right this minute. It will not get better. I, unfortunately, speak from experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Dustbin, 
In my experience, because I was a bit like your husband, the anger comes from inside frustration. We men grow up thinking we're going to rule the world and be sports stars. The reality of mundane life, with a mundane job, bills that pile up, children that are needy, parents getting older and sick, personal health problems, ****ty bosses, etc. etc. 
So, he's nice all day, holds it in, he sees you and BAMM, he unloads everything on you. I think the term "you only hurt the ones you love" come from this type of man.
All I can say is that I SAW the damage I was doing and chose to change and I DID change. All you can do is tell him exactly, calmly what the problem is, tell him he needs to change and give him a time limit. If he does not make a BIG effort, get out.
I am stating this because I believe I am an example of success in this regard. I believe if I can do it, anyone can.
I hope for you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This should have been handled at least 10 years ago. If you want him to stop, quit rewarding bad behavior. He wears his butt for a hat, hop in the car and go to the mall for a couple of hours. Do it each and every time and he'll pretty quickly figure out that boys with ugly mouths play alone. Don't argue with him, plead with him, or explain jack squat to him. All that does is give him attention and power over you. He doesn't act like that at work or he wouldn't have a job. Quit treating him like he's wonderful, supportive, and sexy when, in reality, he's being an abusive, disrespectful turd. If you want him to treat you with respect you must demand respect all the time and quit tolerating disrespect. We teach others how to treat us. If he's verbally abused you more than once, it's because you permitted it. 
Tell him you aren't his mother. It's not your job to teach an adult manners. You aren't his shrink or counselor, so whatever childhood trauma or emotional cobwebs he needs to sort out things for him to work out with a professional. You are his wife and you expect to be treated with common civility. Your home is your refuge from the insanity of the world. It's not a prison or an insane asylum where people scream. He can choose to act like a 3 year old but that will be a choice to do so alone. You choose peace and you will have peace. If the house is the bone of contention, sell it. Whether you live there or in a cardboard box under an interstate overpass, your home will be a place where people treat each other with respect. Don't worry about changing his behavior. He either gets his head screwed on straight or he doesn't. Resolve that there is a level of respect and civility that you require and love yourself enough to accept nothing less. Give at least the same consideration to others. The question really isn't, "why is he verbally abusive?" The real question should be, "Why have I permitted someone to verbally abuse me for 10 years?" If you don't fix that problem, even divorcing him won't fix your issue. The world is full of people who would be happy to use you for a door mat.


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## Dustbin (Oct 6, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your replies, I found them really helpful, especially................ Ask yourself this: Does he act like this toward other people … at work or socially, where there would be unpleasant consequences? If not, then it is not an “anger management” problem rather he is doing it because he wants to and can get away with it...........
No he would not behave like this in front of other people, and because of this suggestion I put it to him that he is making active choices when he loses his temper with me, he says it's just an honest expression of his feelings, so I said " If I hit you, would you hit me back" he said "no of course not", so I said he was making an active choice there to restrain himself, why couldn't he do that with shouting and swearing, and he didn't have an answer to that.
This is a new addition to the conversation I've had with him a thousand times, which always goes well after the event, what else is new, is that I took your suggestion to tell him that I have my bags already packed, and next time I'm going to a hotel, and he shouldn't follow me once I have left the room, he nodded glumly to this but said he understands, I think there is more chance of me pulling this off now that he understands what's going to happen, so thank you for that advice.
In my bag I have everything in place for overnight stays, plus a list of hotels with 24 hour receptions and directions how to get there, I also have my phone book, and a message to remind me to take my wallet, and mobile phone.

Your advice reminded me that after 30 years of my dad beating my mother up and throwing her out in the middle of the night and locking the door, he suddenly stopped when she inherited enough money to leave him, and he knew it, it sickened me that he had been in control all along, and reminded me that my husband is equally in control, and wondered what it would take to make him stop.
The sad thing is that because of my mother's experiences she was hell bent that I should be a woman of indipendant means, ( which I am ) so I wouldn't have to put up with this sort of thing.
As for leaving him, I'm taking 1 step at a time, I want to give him every possible chance to change, and I can imagine you yelling at me that he never will and I should go now, but I want to exhaust all my tactics because I think my marriage is worth saving.
I asked him if hitting him would shock him into stopping, he said probably yes, can you imagine how tempting that would be?


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

I like your thinking Dustbin. If he doesn't do the behaviour with others, he IS in control. So he has thought it OK to subject you to it. And now seeing you've come from a history of abuse, there's probably some unconscious acceptance of his behaviour on your part. OK good - now you both know. He CAN control his outbursts, and you CAN respect yourself enough to leave if he's bad. Great progress!


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

This thread is a few days old and probably no one is still reading it, but as usual - late to the party.

It scares me reading your post, OP. If you announce you are leaving for the night, he could get physically abusive. And what if he asks who is paying for the hotel room? Could he get vindictive that you are leaving him (even if only for a night)?

I would definitely try to avoid getting into screaming matches because things can escalate. Try to be calm, do not argue or bicker. Just have your plan and quietly stick to it. As usual, I am recommending a support group or therapy, because that's what I have done. I would try to go to a group for partners of rage-a-holics. Not sure what it's called but I'm sure there's a 12 Step program. With your history, I'm afraid that if you leave him you would immediately bounce into another relationship with a similar person. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you think that's the only person you deserve and can relate to. Can you please, please try to give yourself some distance from relationships for a while and work on self esteem and not needing a man. It's so easy to go back to the same old pattern.

Good luck and stay safe.


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