# He just innocently spoke to a woman & I went crazy



## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

I know now that there is no hope; if I can't trust his motives for talking to a woman, and suspicion clouds my mind, then how can it be worth it? (and I know posters have advised me to leave, and it's finally sinking in).

I have never been suspicious before, and I hate it.

Hubby was dropping his son off at army training, and told me he spoke to another parent about their son. He was careful to use the word 'they', so I asked if it was man or woman, he replied "woman"; did she have a partner/husband? "no she said she was single", so of all the parents there, he managed to find a single woman to chat to.

Of course I'm unreasonable, but he's made me so damned insecure.

Having discovered he'd registered on a site solely advertising prostitutes (NOT a porn site, but just where prosititutes advertise - he was on there to look at a 19yr old reality star hooker, who "intrigued & fascinated" him), to seeing his holiday videos with his first family, where he zooms in on every bare butt & set of boobs... along with countless videos of his own privates... to him leaving to go on holiday alone, when I was pregnant & then again when our baby was 4 months old...

We rarely have sex, and when we do he can't come... hardly the stuff to make a girl feel loved, wanted, special.

So yes, I may be unreasonable and "mad" as he puts it, but I can't help feel suspicious all the time.


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

And to add insult to injury, he confessed that he'd wandered around the girls quarters - "lost" - while the girl recruits got into their uniforms, looking for his son... I mean really?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I don't know your story. I found it odd that he asked some random woman her marital status.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I don't know your story. I found it odd that he asked some random woman her marital status.


Well, it's called 'conversation'. It's one of the things you talk about.

Additionally, there is this finger on the left hand. It sort of serves as a 'tell' in American Culture about marital status. It's visible to anyone who looks.

So we're blaming him that he isn't blind?

But what caused you to trigger so hard?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

If I was in your position I wouldn't trust him either, given the history and I agree there's little to no hope for your situation unless you can do some sort of counseling and work through these issues.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

JCD said:


> Well, it's called 'conversation'. It's one of the things you talk about.
> 
> Additionally, there is this finger on the left hand. It sort of serves as a 'tell' in American Culture about marital status. It's visible to anyone who looks.
> 
> ...


Possibly, however many people don't wear their wedding rings & ask about marital status during "small talk."


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Given this history you have with him, your anger is justified.....it seems he'll find any & all avenues available to get his jollies while neglecting, emotionally abusing his wife. 

He's a creep!! If he's not willing to get the help he most obviously needs, you need to get out!!!! This relationship is toxic!!!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

JCD said:


> Well, it's called 'conversation'. It's one of the things you talk about.
> 
> Additionally, there is this finger on the left hand. It sort of serves as a 'tell' in American Culture about marital status. It's visible to anyone who looks.
> 
> ...


It doesn't usually come up in conversations I get in with OS people unless they downright ask it, which is really rare. Plus, if I just meet a person and they ask if I'm married right away, I do get a little weirded out. Also, sometimes I don't wear my wedding ring for a number of different reasons...one, you aren't even supposed to wear them where I work because it's dangerous, two, I'll take it off to make dinner (ground beef in all the nooks and crannies...ew!), three, I'll take it off to clean it...and forget to put it back on in all cases. It just happens. So no ring doesn't always mean no spouse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sunshine&rain did not say how he knew that she is single. She might have just made a comment in conversation.

I can however see why she's insecure. He just happened to get lost in the place where the female recuits were getting dressed? Really?

He sounds like a creep.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> sunshine&rain did not say how he knew that she is single. She might have just made a comment in conversation.
> 
> I can however see why she's insecure. He just happened to get lost in the place where the female recuits were getting dressed? Really?
> 
> He sounds like a creep.


Granted. 

And my comment about the ring was focused more on perhaps HIS assumption that she was single by observing no ring.

He sounds like a guy who has a compulsion to be wanted by lots of people. His wife has already put in her vote so he's looking for more validation to his wonderfulness elsewhere.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

sunshine&rain said:


> And to add insult to injury, he confessed that he'd wandered around the girls quarters - "lost" - while the girl recruits got into their uniforms, looking for his son... I mean really?


The poor thing. Well at least he knows where the girls quarters are so he can avoid that area in the future. Maybe you should draw him a map.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Whomever advocated divorce or leaving over problems that can be worked through such as trust, respect, boundaries, etc... if both parties are willing to work on it, your advice seems jaded and hostile. Why would you offer such terrible input?

Marriage is sacred and people are not disposable. Rarely in life is the grass greener. I'm sure if your husband is willing to recognize his faults and is willing to make your marriage and happiness a priority that you will be fine. Many times as men we do things without even realizing we are creating a problem or issues. We are not always as evolved when it comes to these types of things. 

Why don't you discuss these issues with him or in a MC environment?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

bryane said:


> Whomever advocated divorce or leaving over problems that can be worked through such as trust, respect, boundaries, etc... if both parties are willing to work on it, your advice seems jaded and hostile. Why would you offer such terrible input?
> 
> Marriage is sacred and people are not disposable. Rarely in life is the grass greener. I'm sure if your husband is willing to recognize his faults and is willing to make your marriage and happiness a priority that you will be fine. Many times as men we do things without even realizing we are creating a problem or issues. We are not always as evolved when it comes to these types of things.
> 
> ...


Maybe because her husbands actions border on pathological. Look up her other posts. I know I couldn't handle being married to a person like him (gender opposite of course LOL).

Too many people see the word marriage and think it's what you're supposed to "put up with", such as "because we're married I have to over look x y and z". It's not. Marriage is a contract between two people that states and BOTH parties have to watch their own behaviors to uphold the marriage. Sunshine's hubby isn't.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@Dad&Hubby I agree with you, however there is always two sides to every story and the reality falls generally in the middle somewhere. You are right, I haven't read her other posts and I'm sure there is problems, however I still believe that if it is at all possible saving a marriage is by far better than divorce regardless unless there is abuse involved. I also beleive that many times as men we are not cognizant of our own stupidity and if issues are not brought up directly we often overlook them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

JCD said:


> And my comment about the ring was focused more on perhaps HIS assumption that she was single by observing no ring.


To be completely honest, I can't think of a reason to even notice, let alone comment, about the lack of a ring. Call me stupid (and I quite obviously am), but why does it even matter, in a casual conversation. The ONLY time a man has ever queried my marital status, was when he was chatting me up.

I concede that yes, it may come up in conversations with women I meet, but that is only after getting to know them, and thinking of persuing a friendship; never have I asked a woman behind me at the checkout in a shop whether she is married - and if another 'random' woman asked me, then I would assume she was either odd, or gay. 

I just can't imagine a reason why it would come up in a very short conversation, with a woman who was only dropping off her son, and that he would never see again... it is far more normal to talk about the weather (here in England).


He mentioned that he's offered to put an aerial up for someone. A woman. He is NOT an aerial installer btw.

Maybe, just maybe he's just being 'nice'. But I'm incredibly uncomfortable about it. He doesn't work with women, he has his own room that he works in, but there are women there, but he doesn't chat to them, as he never goes to their area. So yes, I'm suspicious as to how he even got into the situation of being able to offer this.

She is a single mum & has no man to help her & he's her knight in shining armour - bless!

I was a single mother for nearly 18yrs. Without exception, the ONLY married men who offered to help me with things around the house, tried it on - without exception - every single one. Those who weren't interested just never offered, why would they? 

It's not the first time he has helped out a single woman in need - he did it for a female friend. One he used to sleep with before he met me. I used to get upset about it, he told me I was paranoid. Then, later, after our second daughter died, she stopped contacting him. He admitted that she was finding things for him to do, to keep seeing him. 

So why upset me all over again, with another 'single' woman. He even told me that he is going to buy the aerial and equipment, as she's hard up.

I just can't win. But I'm just a paranoid, insecure woman.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Your husband disrespects you greatly, it's no wonder you don't trust him.

You really do need to put the relationship on the line (and mean it) if it's going to get better.

This means insisting on him behaving like a married faithful man at all times, going to counseling and him really understanding what he has done and being remorseful and wanting to do whatever it takes to gain your trust. 

If he in't willing to do that, and make sustained change and fully "Get It" then you need to be prepared to move on.

You do deserve better.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

If I were married to him I'd be suspicious too. The videoing women is so creepy.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I'm so sorry for your loss!

I just love these single women who can't seem to find a single guy to help them instead of a married one. You know how many women latch onto my husband for help and a shoulder to cry on because he's overly friendly and accommodating? Makes me want to vomit. Find your own dang man, b***h!


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

LittleDeer, I have tried, and tried to get him to believe that I'm falling out of love with him (which I genuinely am), he doesn't take it seriously. I even saw a solicitor before our toddler was born, and that made no difference, he just calls me "mad".

Update: He went to fit the aerial today (which he bought, but expects her to pay for later). It was going to be an "easy job; no more than a couple of hours".

He went this morning. He's just come back (just gone 5pm). He still HASN'T finished, and needs to go back tomorrow. Apparently the aerial he bought is duff, so he needs to go up, get it down, take it back & get another. So tomorrow he will be there all day again.. how convenient.

It is plausible, so I feel mean. He thinks I'm mean, and hate him going out. What I hate is him doing this for nothing, spending two days helping out a random woman & it costing us... I can't get this through to him. To do a 'favour' but it cost us financially is not on.

If things were good between us it would be different. If he hadn't helped out his previous female 'friend' (FWB), even though it upset me - even coming home to her in our house. 

If he hadn't just talked to a random woman when dropping off his son & then get lost in the female quarters, where the girl recruits were changing.

If he hadn't been looking for a prostitute & registered on a prostitute site.

If none of the above, then I wouldn't be suspicious; but I am, and I wouldn't even trust him with my mum anymore - yep, that's how much this has affected me.

We haven't had sex for ages - there are always reasons, last night he had a 'headache'. How the heck am I supposed to feel 'wanted' if he rejects me all the time?

My sister & mum tell me not to confront him, even though it's suspicious, or I'll push him to another woman.. cos yeah, we're in the Victorian age, and women should just STFU..


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Doesn't sound like you need to any 'pushing him to another woman'....... he's taking care of that all on his own. 

Where are your mom & sister's loyalties? What the H is wrong with them? 

IMO.... you need to do whatever you have to to get ready to end this toxic relationship and start living for yourself. It sounds like he's already checked out and is well on his way to living for himself already.


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