# I feel betrayed, but I am not ready to end things



## Jaz9102 (Jun 12, 2020)

I have been with my partner for 12 years. We have a child and we’re married but divorced a few years back. We remained together after that and still considered each other spouses. I have been suspecting something had been seriously wrong the beginning of 2020. My husband was just not paying attention to me as much and was rude. I always asked and he would say it’s work. With the pandemic, I just assume everyone was on edge. I always told him he could talk to me. He started trying to lose weight, getting more tattoos, and trying to dress up like when he was younger. We have been together since I was 15. Almost half of my life. I thought this was it and I found the one. Through the past months, he kept acting weird but I never distrusted him. I always asked but he would say he was not happy with himself physically and work was stressful. Long story short, he changed his passwords to his phone, computer, and Apple Watch. He denied accepting me on Instagram social media. I went through the phone bill and noticed he had many calls to one particular number that lasted over an hour sometimes 2 hours. I asked him and he said it’s a worker of mine. He claimed it was work related. I didn’t believe it because weeks ago he said that he didn’t love me anymore and was going to leave next February. Nothing adds up. He has been talking to her since February. I confronted her and she said he was the one that said he liked her but she didn’t accept, she only continued talking to him as a friend. She said that I shouldn’t be upset if we aren’t even married. Which means, he talked to her about not being married to me. I asked him why he would talk to her and what he thought that she would leave her husband and kids for him? He said I felt lonely and I liked talking to her. She is really a cool person to talk to. He also defended her because he said I embarrassed him when I texted him. That i blew everything out of proportion. I have been devastated because I was seriously happy. I seriously love him. Now I don’t know if I can forgive him, but he claims he wants to save what we have. I am not ready to end things but have a feeling he won’t try hard enough to fix this because that is his personality. He basically tells me to get over it that it happened and I need to move on to be happy or we need to separate. It is almost as he is heartless about it, but when I get ready to talk about ending stuff and moving on. He has a meltdown. I am completely broken and confused. I need some guidance. Family that knows basically say oh forgive him. However, I want to try but it kills me that he preferred to talk with someone else who basically is keeping their secret conversations hidden from her spouse too. It kills me that he didn’t call me if he felt lonely. I could have talked to him. I do want to add that I work full time, I am a full time student, I take care of the household, take care of our child, cook dinners often, make sure he is fed and taken care of, we also have or atleast I think a really good sex life, he alway has clean clothes and everything here because of me. What do I do!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

He has run out of love. You have been together sine 15. People grow up, grow apart and it's normal. Don't try reconciling with him. It's not worth it. He's over you and for some reason he wanted to try new emotions with other people.

I guess you must be 27 now? Let him go and give yourself the chance for a new life, new beginnings. To be honest, getting into a relationship with someone at 15 and wanting it to last for a life-time, sounds pretty boring. It's not the same as getting together at 30 and wanting a lifetime together.

What are his reasons for suddenly wanting to save this relationship?

Strange. It could be that she left him so he got back to you because he doesn't have other options at the moment. Do you want to be plan B? A leftover?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

He's asking you to eat his **** sandwich. He has no remorse and when the next interesting girl comes along he'll be back to sneaking around. Eventually he'll leave or give you and STD or father another child with another girl. Have some self respect and leave him on your terms. Get yourself and finances in order. Figure out what you need to do to leave him or kick him out. Don't tell him or give him second changes. Just get things in order and then give him the boot.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Love yourself more and with your heart begin to think of your life with someone who can honor what love should be.

The thing that hurts is that his action do match his words, this is not a matter of confusion but coming to an acceptance that you are not the priority over others that you should be in a loving relationship, and you will be "Plan B" time and time again unless you think that chance 3, 7, or 10 and he will finally get it.

Sometimes we do give love to the wrong person, but don't feel like that is wasted because it shows the value of the love we believe in. If he doesn't share that value of honoring your presence in the relationship then you may have to let him go.

His meltdown is because he sees a loss of control, less losing you or his humility for sharing outside your relationship would be much different.

I'm sorry, I know it hurts... what healthy boundaries can you put into place to protect you and your child?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Jaz....

".....He basically tells me to *get over it that it happened and I need to move on to be happy or we need to separate*. It is almost as he is heartless about it, but when I get ready to talk about ending stuff and moving on. He has a meltdown.* I am completely broken and confused*. *I need some guidance.* Family that knows basically say oh forgive him. However, I want to try but *it kills me that he preferred to talk with someone else* who basically is keeping their secret conversations hidden from her spouse too. It kills me that he didn’t call me if he felt lonely. I could have talked to him. ....."

I will give you some guidance, however, you might not like it. You can't change your H, only he can change himself. You can't change what happened, you can only work on trying to do things to keep it from happening again. He is right you need to either move on and become happy or you need to separate. You sound like you don't want to separate. That means you need to come to grips with what happened and figure out how to forgive him, accept him and insure it won't happen again...............or end your marriage.

You need to grieve your betrayal, You need to learn to forgive him and loose your anger. Anger is an important phase in the grieving process that ends in acceptance. It sounds like you and your H have tried to talk this out and so, you two really need some 3rd party (like a marriage counselor) to help you put this behind you and to help you focus on what a future marriage together entails and what the boundaries are associated with marriage. 

Good luck.


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## paboy (May 27, 2020)

Can you add more to your story? What was the cause of your Divorce? Do you have children? Are you working? These will help in advice given.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

> *I feel betrayed, but I am not ready to end things*


Then I suspect you will end up feeling more betrayed in the future and feeling more pain. 

Here is some lite reading.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You may love him but he doesn’t love you. Not enough to be faithful anyway. My guess is you’re a convenience and he’ll continue looking for excitement on the side.

Whose idea was it to not remarry and just live together?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Jaz9102 You said: "We have a child and we’re married but divorced a few years back. We remained together after that and still considered each other spouses"

If you were divorced a few years back, then you aren't married?

You might consider him to be your spouse, but perhaps he doesn't feel the same way?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

The main question is why did you divorce in the first place, surely the writing was on the wall then? Sorry but you have to ask him to leave and move on with your life, he no longer loves you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're not ready to end things because you've never tried out being an adult on your own. Spend some time on your own, taking care of yourself, accomplishing things, thinking for yourself...you'll be able to make a decision better based on reality.


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## Akeath (Mar 9, 2017)

You haven't mentioned much background, so I could be way off base, but to me it sounds like he partly wants you to leave and is acting in a way to force you to be the one to end it. He told you he doesn't love you anymore and is planning to leave. Then he cheated on you and told you to either get over it or separate. He isn't as committed to you as you are to him. He's not doing the work to make sure cheating never happens again, and expects you to put up with his cheating if you guys remain together. And apparently he's already gotten a formal divorce from you, too. It sounds like you are really in love and as committed to him as when you were married. But he has been in the process of trying to disentangle himself from this relationship for a long time, he's just never actually managed to permanently cut things off. And how he's going about this is really hurting you and is cruel. At some point you are going to have to cut this off out of self-preservation, because he's never going to stop hurting you in his effort to get this relationship to implode, then deciding to continue it after doing a lot of damage, then trying to make it implode again. It is probably scary for both of you to end things because you've been together basically since puberty. This is a toxic relationship, though you may not realize just how toxic because you have nothing to compare it to. I think at this point too much damage has been done and if you want a healthy and happy romantic relationship it will not be with this person. Staying with him is just going to continue a bad situation and prevent you from ever having a good one with someone who values you too much to treat you this way. If you choose to stay, this will not be the last time something like this happens. It is up to you whether you forgive him this time. I have a feeling there is no amount of damage he could do that would make you leave, for whatever reason. But please try to keep stock of what the damage is doing to your mental health and well being, as well as the well being of your child and their image of what is normal in a relationship. Individual counseling would likely be helpful for you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jaz9102 said:


> I am not ready to end things but have a feeling he won’t try hard enough to fix this because that is his personality. He basically tells me to get over it that it happened and I need to move on to be happy or we need to separate. It is almost as he is heartless about it, but when I get ready to talk about ending stuff and moving on. He has a meltdown.


So, he is trying to force you into rug sweeping his affair and wants you to just forget it so HE doesn't have to deal with it (and HE should be the one doing the work to help you through this).
The meltdown, etc. is him trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. DON'T buy it.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I would like to give some input, but I agree...we need to know why your marriage ended, but kinda didn’t end.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Jaz9102 said:


> I have been with my partner for 12 years. We have a child and we’re married but divorced a few years back. We remained together after that and still considered each other spouses. I have been suspecting something had been seriously wrong the beginning of 2020. My husband was just not paying attention to me as much and was rude. I always asked and he would say it’s work. With the pandemic, I just assume everyone was on edge. I always told him he could talk to me. He started trying to lose weight, getting more tattoos, and trying to dress up like when he was younger. We have been together since I was 15. Almost half of my life. I thought this was it and I found the one. Through the past months, he kept acting weird but I never distrusted him. I always asked but he would say he was not happy with himself physically and work was stressful. Long story short, he changed his passwords to his phone, computer, and Apple Watch. He denied accepting me on Instagram social media. I went through the phone bill and noticed he had many calls to one particular number that lasted over an hour sometimes 2 hours. I asked him and he said it’s a worker of mine. He claimed it was work related. I didn’t believe it because weeks ago he said that he didn’t love me anymore and was going to leave next February. Nothing adds up. He has been talking to her since February. I confronted her and she said he was the one that said he liked her but she didn’t accept, she only continued talking to him as a friend. She said that I shouldn’t be upset if we aren’t even married. Which means, he talked to her about not being married to me. I asked him why he would talk to her and what he thought that she would leave her husband and kids for him? He said I felt lonely and I liked talking to her. She is really a cool person to talk to. He also defended her because he said I embarrassed him when I texted him. That i blew everything out of proportion. I have been devastated because I was seriously happy. I seriously love him. Now I don’t know if I can forgive him, but he claims he wants to save what we have. I am not ready to end things but have a feeling he won’t try hard enough to fix this because that is his personality. He basically tells me to get over it that it happened and I need to move on to be happy or we need to separate. It is almost as he is heartless about it, but when I get ready to talk about ending stuff and moving on. He has a meltdown. I am completely broken and confused. I need some guidance. Family that knows basically say oh forgive him. However, I want to try but it kills me that he preferred to talk with someone else who basically is keeping their secret conversations hidden from her spouse too. It kills me that he didn’t call me if he felt lonely. I could have talked to him. I do want to add that I work full time, I am a full time student, I take care of the household, take care of our child, cook dinners often, make sure he is fed and taken care of, we also have or atleast I think a really good sex life, he alway has clean clothes and everything here because of me. What do I do!
> [/QUOTE
> I know the hurt you have. My spouse of 18 years had an affair 3 years ago. Betrayal is devastating to the heart and mind. Affairs are always destructive...nothing good comes from it and it changes everything. Emotions and thoughts are all over the place. You may never know what exactly happened and you may never know the truth. Your husband is failing to be honest with himself. If he can’t be honest with himself, then how can you expect him to be honest with you. The sad thing is that he thought that by stepping out of your marriage would somehow make him feel alive again. Marriage as in any other long term relationship has ups and downs...that is real life. Affairs are fantasy...an escape from real life. Eventually real life kicks in even in affairs...you’re experiencing it right now because the secret is out. He just doesn’t want to deal with reality and it’s consequences. Sorry, but he was and is being immature and selfish. It is totally up to you if you want to reconcile with him. No one here can make that decision for you. I decided to stay in my marriage. My husband lied and denied the truth. I still don’t know everything that happened in his affair. I get days when flashbacks of evidence I did find plays on my mind and emotions. I acknowledge the pain, hurt and disbelief that something like infidelity hit my home. But it’s a reality. Now, I make conscience decisions every day to focus on God, my wellbeing and the wellbeing of my children. My husband’s healing is his responsibility. My faith has brought me to accept what has happened, that no person on earth is exempt from pain or hurtful situations. That was hard to swallow. I was naive and had a false sense of entitlement...a little bit of a princess if you will. That was some of the stuff I had to work on for me to have better relationships. When acceptance comes so does peace. I’ve thought of leaving many times and sometimes still do. But for the sake of my children, I stayed. They are my responsibility and life isn’t just about me. I knew that if I ended my marriage, my children would have had to endure more pain and suffering. My husband’s behaviour during his affair was selfish to the highest degree and his ap’s behaviour showed a lack of respect and consideration for my children. She was out to take the father of my children irregardless of who was in her way. My eyes became open to the damage waiting for my kids and I couldn’t trust my husband to put their needs ahead of his own at the time. It’s called an affair fog or “limerence”...look it up. He liked the way she made him feel about himself. Brokenness seeks healing or treatment. Same goes for affairs. I highly recommend that you talk it out with someone who will support you and your decision no matter what decision it is. People judge quickly...and it’s easy to give you advice if they haven’t walked in your shoes. Take care of yourself and your child...that is priority. He needs to deal with himself and the reason why he did what he did, he needs to come to a place where his apology to you is sincere and his actions to mend broken trust speak for themselves and that is his responsibility.
> Bless you and your family.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

There is a lot more to his action.
Buffer


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Buffer said:


> There is a lot more to his action.
> Buffer


What do you mean?


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Jaz9102 said:


> I have been with my partner for 12 years. We have a child and we’re married but divorced a few years back. We remained together after that and still considered each other spouses. I have been suspecting something had been seriously wrong the beginning of 2020. My husband was just not paying attention to me as much and was rude. I always asked and he would say it’s work. With the pandemic, I just assume everyone was on edge. I always told him he could talk to me. He started trying to lose weight, getting more tattoos, and trying to dress up like when he was younger. We have been together since I was 15. Almost half of my life. I thought this was it and I found the one. Through the past months, he kept acting weird but I never distrusted him. I always asked but he would say he was not happy with himself physically and work was stressful. Long story short, he changed his passwords to his phone, computer, and Apple Watch. He denied accepting me on Instagram social media. I went through the phone bill and noticed he had many calls to one particular number that lasted over an hour sometimes 2 hours. I asked him and he said it’s a worker of mine. He claimed it was work related. I didn’t believe it because weeks ago he said that he didn’t love me anymore and was going to leave next February. Nothing adds up. He has been talking to her since February. I confronted her and she said he was the one that said he liked her but she didn’t accept, she only continued talking to him as a friend. She said that I shouldn’t be upset if we aren’t even married. Which means, he talked to her about not being married to me. I asked him why he would talk to her and what he thought that she would leave her husband and kids for him? He said I felt lonely and I liked talking to her. She is really a cool person to talk to. He also defended her because he said I embarrassed him when I texted him. That i blew everything out of proportion. I have been devastated because I was seriously happy. I seriously love him. Now I don’t know if I can forgive him, but he claims he wants to save what we have. I am not ready to end things but have a feeling he won’t try hard enough to fix this because that is his personality. He basically tells me to get over it that it happened and I need to move on to be happy or we need to separate. It is almost as he is heartless about it, but when I get ready to talk about ending stuff and moving on. He has a meltdown. I am completely broken and confused. I need some guidance. Family that knows basically say oh forgive him. However, I want to try but it kills me that he preferred to talk with someone else who basically is keeping their secret conversations hidden from her spouse too. It kills me that he didn’t call me if he felt lonely. I could have talked to him. I do want to add that I work full time, I am a full time student, I take care of the household, take care of our child, cook dinners often, make sure he is fed and taken care of, we also have or atleast I think a really good sex life, he alway has clean clothes and everything here because of me. What do I do!


Not following this really...you were married, then got divorced, stayed together as.....boyfriend/girlfriend?


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