# Girlfriend Advice



## jamesjones242 (Jan 19, 2015)

Hello, I'm seeking advice or thoughts from other members who have experience with these types of things. Let me explain.


A little about me.

I work in IT and make decent money however I'm an introvert. I met a girl online and we talked for a few weeks and finally met in person. Since then we've been dating for three months and for the most part the relationship goes smoothly. There are rough spots as in any relationships however we are both controlling and have been fighting for control the last week weeks. She has a child and we decided I wouldn't meet her until were sure things worked out. We both have the same mental disorders and such so we understand what each other goes through and when were having a hard time. Now for the problems.

I've cut ties with my ex's and don't speak with any of them. I find its sometimes best that way so they don't interfere in your future. She on the other hand speaks with three of them at least somewhat frequently. One of them doesn't respect boundaries and I'm not fond of him at all. She called him the other day to check up on him because they've been friends for years however I can tell he hasn't gotten over her. I don't trust him alone with her because he's very touchy and like I said doesn't respect boundaries and sleeps with married women all the time. (I know it goes two ways there). 

If I speak with a female even if were just friends in a certain game she gets jealous and gets very nosy however I get nosy she gets defensive. We had a talk about this guy in particular and I asked that she not see him without me being around because I don't trust him. She said that was fine. Were talking about getting an apartment together and she told him (for some reason) and he made a comment that he would be our weekend guest. I of course said hell no and we got into it over it. I told her what I expect and what I will deal with and what I will not. I asked her how often she expects for him to be over and she wouldn't give me a straight answer. I said not every other weekend and she goes I don't know (she has her kid every other weekend). I told her since I'm paying the majority of the bills I don't want him over but once or so a month because of how he is and from what other friends of hers have told me about him.

She also chat's with another ex that shes somewhat friends with but he seems to respect the boundaries and not push however I'm still on the there ex's for a reason move on with your life.

I bought two rings for us as (relationship rings) that she had liked yet when I told her I ordered them she asked if they were engagement rings and went on about how she wanted to get married again and such. I've entertained the idea but only after we have ironed out everything in our relationship and are agreed upon the rules. She has been married twice and both marriages failed because of similar reasons of them cheating on her and such. I've never been married nor lived with anyone so I'm hesitant because I know exactly how I am. If I were to come home and find a male in my house alone with her (especially if it were an ex) I'd go off. I like for people to have permission before they come over to my house. I trust her but not them and they seem that they could be forceful. If we were to eventually get married I'm thinking a preen up is the best bet so that if she runs off she doesn't take half of what I have.

My gut tells me to run far away but my heart says another. To me 3 months isn't enough time to consider marriage but shes pushing for it. She wants to get married and move in together all at about the same time which I don't exactly agree with. How am I suppose to know that I can get along with you everyday unless I live with you first. I'm tripolar and living with me can be very difficult at times because I live with myself lol.

Please no immature comments or negativity. Just seeking advice from men who have some experience. I've had relationships before with one lasting 8 years however this relationship has gone further and more serious than any of them.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude, you've been dating for 3 months. She has poor boundaries. My advice is to continue dating (if you must) for at least a year before even thinking about moving in together.

C


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Were talking about getting an apartment together
> 
> I bought two rings for us as (relationship rings) that she had liked yet when I told her I ordered them she asked if they were engagement rings and went on about how she wanted to get married again and such.
> 
> To me 3 months isn't enough time to consider marriage but shes pushing for it.


3 months is way too soon for all of this. Moving in together, rings, talk of marriage...you two are nowhere near ready for any such things. This is the time you're supposed to spend to get to know each other, learn about each other's beliefs, values, and perspectives, and to evaluate whether you'd be good partners for the long term.

I would not be even thinking about moving in together, much less anything else, until you've been together for at least a year and know each other pretty well because you spend lots of time at each other's homes together. You need to work out the relationship issues before you take steps to intertwine your lives further.



> I told her since I'm paying the majority of the bills I don't want him over but once or so a month


While I agree that you two need to eventually come to an agreement on exes, among other things, this attitude of "I pay the bills so it's my way or the highway" will NOT serve you well in a relationship. 

Money and paying bills do not grant you final say on what goes on in the relationship. It would be her home, too, and she would have an equal say regardless of whether she is the one paying the bills or you are.

If you think paying a majority of the bills grants you special decision-making authority so that everything is how you want it to be, you need to do more learning about relationships first. And you absolutely should not be moving in or marrying anyone until you do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jamesjones242 said:


> She on the other hand speaks with three of them at least somewhat frequently. One of them doesn't respect boundaries and I'm not fond of him at all. She called him the other day to check up on him because they've been friends for years however I can tell he hasn't gotten over her.
> 
> *Were talking about getting an apartment together* and she told him (for some reason) and* he made a comment that he would be our weekend guest. ** I of course said hell no *and we got into it over it. I told her what I expect and what I will deal with and what I will not.* I asked her how often she expects for him to be over and she wouldn't give me a straight answer. I said not every other weekend and she goes I don't know *
> 
> *To me 3 months isn't enough time to consider marriage but shes pushing for it. She wants to get married and move in together all at about the same time which I don't exactly agree with. *


Do not move in. Do no get married. Please either keep dating her for longer so you can learn more about her or dump her. You both seem to have very different boundaries and are moving at different places.

Just because someone wants to marry you doesn't mean you should.


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## jamesjones242 (Jan 19, 2015)

The only part I was saying about paying the bills and having power is that I'd rather not come home to find this guy in my house after I just got off work and came home to relax. I'm pretty good at letting her make decisions and stuff its only that type of thing. If it was another couple or a female I'd have less of a problem with it. It's this guy in particular really and then theirs some background and despicable things hes been charged with that unnerve me a bit as well. Her boundaries do seem poor at times and I think she needs to have a better sense of who she lets around herself but that's her choice. I choose either to leave or stay. Right now I'm just getting advice and thinking things over. She brought up the marriage and moving in together quicker than I had considering talking about it. I was thinking wait at least a year before even considering it then she springs this on me so I'm not sure why she all the sudden is pushing so hard for it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I'm not sure why she all the sudden is pushing so hard for it.


Yes, you do. It's because you bought rings. She thought you meant them to be engagement rings and that's when she started talking about it. It's not like she came up with this out of thin air, so take responsibility for your part in this:



> I bought two rings for us as (relationship rings) that she had liked yet when I told her I ordered them she asked if they were engagement rings and went on about how she wanted to get married again and such.


I've never heard of relationship rings, so I, too, would start asking questions about your intentions, and discussing things like what moving in together and marriage means to each of us. 



> The only part I was saying about paying the bills and having power is that I'd rather not come home to find this guy in *my house* after I just got off work and came home to relax.


Again, you two need to come to an agreement about exes.

But pay attention to your language and what you are saying, because it conveys what you are thinking. If you keep talking about MY house this, and I pay the bills when you want your way, you will be sabotaging your relationship. 

If you are living together, it won't be just YOUR house. If you live together, it will be her house too, and she should be free to have people over to the house. Just because you might pay a lot of the bills, doesn't mean it's not HER home, too. 

The big elephant in the room, though, is her child. You haven't even met her yet. Are you step-parent material? Do you like children? Are you prepared for all the ways a child will disrupt your home life? Will you be saying things like, "I'm paying a majority of the bills, so your daughter can't have her noisy little friends over when I come home and want to relax in MY house..."


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ok long has she been single? How capable is she of taking care of herself and her child? 

C


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## jamesjones242 (Jan 19, 2015)

The situation with her daughter and the ex husband is a different story. She has visitation every other weekend and in order for us to live together she has to be married to the person if the child is around that person after 10:30pm. This is what I'm thinking is pushing the marriage deal. I live an hour and a half from her and drive up every other weekend. I don't mind children I have lots of cousins of all ages and enjoy being around them. I may have used the wrong terminology for the rings. I bought them because she liked them and also because I wanted something to symbolize that we were together however I didn't necessarily mean they were engagement rings. I can see how she would take it that way but I should have been more clear when I told her about them. Custody agreement made by her and her ex-husband. Shes been single (before we started dating) for three months. Shes on disability because of her back and other issues so she isn't exactly able to provide for her child very easily.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Dude. Run! 

:slap:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

jamesjones242 said:


> The situation with her daughter and the ex husband is a different story. She has visitation every other weekend and in order for us to live together she has to be married to the person if the child is around that person after 10:30pm. This is what I'm thinking is pushing the marriage deal. I live an hour and a half from her and drive up every other weekend. I don't mind children I have lots of cousins of all ages and enjoy being around them. I may have used the wrong terminology for the rings. I bought them because she liked them and also because I wanted something to symbolize that we were together however I didn't necessarily mean they were engagement rings. I can see how she would take it that way but I should have been more clear when I told her about them. Custody agreement made by her and her ex-husband. Shes been single (before we started dating) for three months. Shes on disability because of her back and other issues so she isn't exactly able to provide for her child very easily.


She was single for 3 months, and you've been dating for 3 months. Talk of moving in and/or getting married are HORRIBLY premature.

She can't support herself and her child. You make good money. There's a reasonable chance that one of the urgencies to get married are because of your wallet. No offence intended to you... I'm sure you're a great guy. But I think you'd be a fool to not look at this motivation strongly.

This has fail written all over it. And it could be very damaging to her child. How old is the child, btw? How old are both of you?

My advice still stands. Either break up, or at a minimum, date for a year or more before even considering moving in together or getting engaged. 

C


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> She has visitation every other weekend


That's all? Her ex has full custody of the child and your gf only has every other week visitation?

If it's more than that and they really have joint custody, the child will be in the house with you for far more than two weekends a month. Children need constant attention, care and love, so you will have to deal with a child in the house, which is very different from visits with your cousins. They also require MONEY, so if you have issues with your funds covering household bills like groceries for the child, that will also be a problem.

Step-parenting isn't for everyone.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm also in a 3 month relationship.

It has been nothing but sunny skies and smooth sailing, and we are together a lot. We're pretty much fully coupled.

My SO also is very friendly with her ex husband and an ex from years ago. They hang out. They were hanging out long before I was in the picture. Doesn't concern me.

So ... the short of it, if there are 'hiccups' in the relationship at 3 months, they will likely be 7.0 tremors on the Richter scale in a few years. You also aren't comfortable with her opposite sex friendships.

This sounds like a relationship where you reconcile that you have hit your emotional investment cap and just maintain and enjoy each others company, or you choose to withdraw.

Doesn't strike me as sounding like a circumstance that will go well, should you decide to go 'all in'.


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## jamesjones242 (Jan 19, 2015)

Everything everyone has said is basically what's been going through my mind. At times I wonder if shes after my money but other times I don't think she is. Her ex husband has custody over her daughter (not sure if its physical or legal) I'm assuming he has physical because she only sees her two weekends a month. There has been a custody battle for the last 7 years (daughter is 9) however I believe she knows that she will never get custody back over her daughter but she keeps fighting. In my eyes that's good that she keeps fighting as long as it doesn't negatively affect the child's health. We both have the exact same disorders (multiple) so when we fight (twice now) they haven't been pretty but it hasn't escalated because I've learned over the years how to control my anger. We are both in our twenties shes 3 years older than I am.


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## jamesjones242 (Jan 19, 2015)

Rowan said:


> Dude. Run!
> 
> :slap:


My gut has been telling me that since the end of the first month but I ignored it in hopes it would work out. Now that this has all been sprung within 3 days time I'm thinking more about everything. We come from two different path's of life also. Kinda like the old saying of two sides of the train track. Not saying anything negative its just the way alot of people see it. I work in the corporate world and she doesn't understand that there are expectations, events, etc that I deal with. She's never dated anyone that works in the corporate world so I think its a change for her in that perspective.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

If she cant handle the online game thing then she cant handle real life...time to get on your battle ostrich and ride off into the sunset...


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

She's pushing hard because you'd be a great meal ticket.


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## jamesjones242 (Jan 19, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> If she cant handle the online game thing then she cant handle real life...time to get on your battle ostrich and ride off into the sunset...


Love this reply lol. Battle ostrich lol. Shes headed towards premenopause because of the surgery she had two years ago so shes always on the laptop I let her use so I get on mine to keep myself busy and not to annoy her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What? She's in her twenties, and pre-menopausal? Married twice already, and talking marriage with someone she's been dating 3 months?

This isn't getting any prettier...

C


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## jamesjones242 (Jan 19, 2015)

Yeah pre-menopausal from a partial hysterectomy two years ago. I helped her find a new doctor that put her on estrogen and shes doing a little bit better. The last month she was kinda like an emotionless being except when she was angry. It's not pretty and I realize that I just haven't decided what path I want to take as in let it go a little further and see if things improve or abandon ship now and avoid the train wreck I can sorta see coming.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Dude. Run!
> 
> :slap:


:iagree: FINALLY someone said it!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Holy crap. Just dump her already.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

A huge aspect of dating, unless just doing it for fun, is to find out if you are compatable with another person. Here you don't seem to be. Don't force it just let it go


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

For perspective, I also dated a 48 year old woman with a hysterectomy.

She was as mentally stable as they come, and horny as a 17 year old male, which I found absolutely astounding and utterly delightful.

You, on the other hand?

Have a very damaged person, who wouldn't know what to do with a healthy relationship if it bit her in the ass.

The longer you drag this on, the crazier it will get.


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

I also cast my vote for the Battle Ostrich.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

A hysterectomy does not equal crazy. Being menopausal at a young age does not equal crazy. Know what _does_ equal crazy? 

Crazy.

You, my friend, have some good old fashioned crazy on your hands.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

PBear said:


> What? She's in her twenties, and pre-menopausal? Married twice already, and talking marriage with someone she's been dating 3 months?
> 
> This isn't getting any prettier...
> 
> C


and she has a 9 year old child. (calculate that one.......)


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

My daddy always told me:

"Don't stick your d**k in crazy... unless you have an escape plan."


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I wouldn't say she's crazy, but she has no ideas on a healthy relationship (IMHO). You'd think after being married twice, she'd be a bit gun-shy.

C


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