# Why is he doing this to me?



## Jo-Jo

Hello, I am very new to this forum, but have seen the support and compassion the members give each other when there are problems. I have been married 16 years, and together, my husband and I have pre-teen aged twins, boy and girl. Recently, I discovered a prepaid phone in his car, and upon searching, I found phone numbers to and from that were escort services. There were 3 particular dates; 2 of the dates, my kids and I were visiting my parents in a different state, and the 3rd date was when he 'needed' to go to our vacation home 4 hours away. Also, I discovered a Visa he had in his name only (it was ours, but he told me he closed it 6 months ago). On the Visa bills were many payments to porn sites....most were 'live web cams' (I know nothing of these type of sites). Also, I found through bank records that he withdrew $1,000 on those 3 dates. I'm so hurt, I don't know what to do. Right now, I have no desire to get marital counseling, especially since he is denying everything. Oh yeah, he said he was tempted, but did not follow through. In every forum I have read, the spouse has said the same thing. There is more to this situation including control issues, emotional abuse, and the fact that I made a mistake 4 years ago (not what you are thinking). I can go into that if I receive any interest in my thread. I just can't figure out why.....I am pretty, smart, successful, good body, and wonderful personality. I'm not trying to brag, but just want to send the message that I work hard to 'keep up appearances', so to speak. I just can't figure this out. Help?


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## patience6

Hi Jo Jo,
firstly I am new to this to and was thinking I am the only one going through this, my situation is very similar to yours, I was fresh out of uni when I met my husband, successful, seven years his junior, attractive, but now I feel completly at a loss, my husband had a huld with a woman whih I found out about a few months into the marriage, I have since found porn, chatline numbers on is phone, and know he has been on dates spending "our" money... he denies it completly, I am almost at the point where I don't want to ask I would rather pretend it is'nt happening as confronting him has got me nowhere, in his mind I am in the wrong for raising it and causing the argument, not him for creating the situation. The lies and betrayal are becoming to much to bear and my mental health is suffering... how can you confront someone and begin to put your relationship back together when they will not take responsibility for thier actions, I conclude until he does not face up to his issues you cannot get anywhere.. I wonder if his insecurity leads him to seek out these paid for relationships as a power thing, maybe you being sucessful in your own right and attractive makes him feel inadequte?

I would suggest he or both of yoyu together need some therapy if you can get him to committ to it, my husband will not come to therapy as he is convinced they will tell me to leave him, the funny thing is he's probably right!
keep me updated on what you next step, and goodluck


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## turnera

Right now, you need to tell him that you are not willing to share your husband with other women, escorts or not. You are willing to work on your sex life to improve it to his level of desire (within reason) to give him what he was getting from them, but to do that you will require that he allow total transparency - access to his phones and computer, no lying, no going anywhere without you knowing...that sort of thing.

Otherwise, you will have to move on.


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## Chris Taylor

if he has seen escorts, you should at a minimum get checked for STD's and refrain from sex with him until your results come back.


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## Blanca

There's always two sides to the story. i think you should find out what his side is. if you are willing to change for him, he may be willing to change for you. but, like turnera said, he has to agree to be completely transparent with you. If he cant agree to that, then you will want to think about leaving.


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## Jo-Jo

patience6 said:


> Hi Jo Jo,
> firstly I am new to this to and was thinking I am the only one going through this, my situation is very similar to yours, I was fresh out of uni when I met my husband, successful, seven years his junior, attractive, but now I feel completly at a loss, my husband had a huld with a woman whih I found out about a few months into the marriage, I have since found porn, chatline numbers on is phone, and know he has been on dates spending "our" money... he denies it completly, I am almost at the point where I don't want to ask I would rather pretend it is'nt happening as confronting him has got me nowhere, in his mind I am in the wrong for raising it and causing the argument, not him for creating the situation. The lies and betrayal are becoming to much to bear and my mental health is suffering... how can you confront someone and begin to put your relationship back together when they will not take responsibility for thier actions, I conclude until he does not face up to his issues you cannot get anywhere.. I wonder if his insecurity leads him to seek out these paid for relationships as a power thing, maybe you being sucessful in your own right and attractive makes him feel inadequte?
> 
> I would suggest he or both of yoyu together need some therapy if you can get him to committ to it, my husband will not come to therapy as he is convinced they will tell me to leave him, the funny thing is he's probably right!
> keep me updated on what you next step, and goodluck


i'm sorry you are going through this as well, patience. We had our original confrontation, but like you, he did what he did because of me. I have not confronted again b/c it will only escalate our emotions, and our children are always within ear shot. My H does have self-esteem issues and was always jealous of other guys when we were dating. I had a few male friends (thru work), but he quickly made sure those relationships ended. I should have stood up for myself then, but I was sooooo in love, I did not want to risk losing him. He also has control issues, and that is not something that nobody is aware of....his issues effect us, work, and any other social life. He has been confronted by his family, his boss, and others who tried to talk him into relaxing for the sake of his health and family. He was OK for a bit, but quickly went back to controlling. 4 years ago, we went to our vacation home, and several friends visited for New Year's Eve....I drank too much...woke up the next morn with no memory of night before. Everyone teased me b/c I got drunk, but quickly forgotten. 5 months later, one of the wives called me to tell me that on that night she caught her husband and I kissing. I can't believe I did that, and would not do anything like that when sober, but still took total responsibility, and was even more angry with myself for getting so drunk. Anyway, the story keeps changing, this wife chased my H, and I've heard she is bi-polar. It is even to the point that one of the other couple's does not believe it happened, that she made up the story to be a victim that my H can save (happened before). This other couple even wondered if the husband (who I supposedly kissed) put something in my drink, as this is not like me to get that drunk, and to this day, I don't remember a thing that night. Anyway, since I have no memory, I take responsibility, and for the last 4 years, I have been living in total 'heck'.....he brings it up everytime we fight, etc....So that is why he is justifying what he did; to pay me back. Uhm...there were umpteen calls on that phone. So the lies to me are: Visa in his own name, prepaid cell phone, calling escort services, withdrawing money, and subscribing to cybersex sites for over 6 months. Does it take that much to 'pay me back'? By the way, the wife of the guy I kissed also went to a bar last year, and went home with him. While still married. There are too many lies for me to swallow right now. Yes, he may have felt the need to pay me back, but he had to use time and energy to FIND these escort places, and he used our money for them. At least I can say I was drunk, and it was one time! That is the other part of the story. Seriously......he will never, ever find someone to put up with him like I have. Patience, what are your steps for the future? I'm afraid he will have the same views as your H if we go to couples therapy. Right now, all I'm interested in is getting therapy for myself so I can find my strengths again.


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## turnera

I have the same issues with my husband. I was just at my therapist today, and I was 'ordered' to start looking for opportunities to exert my independence and unwillingness to cave. If I catch myself not speaking so as not to upset him, then I am to speak up. If I catch myself doing his work for him to keep him from getting angry, I am to stop doing it and tell him he needs to do his stuff. If he gets loud and in my face and threatens to leave or whatever, I am to get right back in his face (without shouting) and leave myself. 

Because I hold the power in my marriage, because I'm willing to leave it, and he is not. So it is up to me to say 'no more.'


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## Jo-Jo

turnera said:


> I have the same issues with my husband. I was just at my therapist today, and I was 'ordered' to start looking for opportunities to exert my independence and unwillingness to cave. If I catch myself not speaking so as not to upset him, then I am to speak up. If I catch myself doing his work for him to keep him from getting angry, I am to stop doing it and tell him he needs to do his stuff. If he gets loud and in my face and threatens to leave or whatever, I am to get right back in his face (without shouting) and leave myself.
> 
> Because I hold the power in my marriage, because I'm willing to leave it, and he is not. So it is up to me to say 'no more.'


How is it working for you...exerting your independence? Do you find it gets easier? How does he respond when you say 'no', etc..So, I'm assuming he is not going to therapy with you? Also, can I ask what you plan to do for future...fix marriage or leave it? Sorry I sound nosy, just interested in your advice and experience.


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## turnera

Yes, it gets easier. I am my own worst enemy. The things he did 20 years ago to control me, he no longer does, but in MY MIND, I'm afraid of them. I let them control me still, though HE doesn't do them. Understand? Just start doing what you need.


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