# Married 19 Years, Three Children, 3 Month Affair & Abuse



## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

I have no idea what to say or how introduce myself but here goes. My name as you probably have figured in reference to my username is Kylie. I have been happily married for 19 years until 6 months ago when I found out that my husband had being having an affair. I have three kids, two boys 15 & 13 and one girl 12. My husband told me 6 months ago that he was having an affair for 3 months and ended it because of the guilt. This put so much turmoil in our marriage, our lives and our kids lives for that fact as they now suffer because of his childish actions. After lots of thought I let him come back to the matrimonial home about 6 weeks after finding out and after him promising that he would get some help as he claimed to be going through a mid life crisis. A month down the track, massive arguments kept on happening and one night after a couple bottles of wine we had a huge argument and he punched me twice in the face for the first time in 19 years followed by alot of shaking and screaming at me, this scared me so much I actually wet myself because never had my husband being so aggressive towards me, my children or anyone else for that matter. He has left and I filed for divorce soon after, he gave me $100K so I could buy a car, hire a Lawyer and survive until I found a job. My kids came home two weeks ago after spending the weekend with their Dad and told me he is engaged. I am so angry. He wont settle on any offers that I make. He earns $350K a year and is fighting over every little thing and already this has cost me $17,536.98. I now earn $45K a year but wants me to give up the house and sell it because he cant stand the thought of me being in the matrimonial home. The kids are getting told so many lies from him and I am copping so much crap from the kids. I just need some support and guidance as to the steps of getting over the anger of him cheating and being engaged already and support through the what seems is going to be a lengthy divorce. Any pointers would be great and for those who would like to know, Australia is a no fault law in relation to family law when it comes to infidelity.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Kylie,

So incredibly saddened to see how your life has been turned upside down in such a short time, and I'm sorry for it. Others on this site have great advise to offer, so give them a little time to try to understand the details better. In reading about his mind games, and physical lashing out, he reminds me of my parent's divorce long ago. My mother often said that one of the worst parts of it was seeing how this man who she thought she knew so well began to be such an angry, vengeful person, even though he was the one who cheated and married again almost right away. 

I know its hard, but I wanted to remind you that even your words in this post show the type of person who your children will really believe, and who can get through the legal process successfully. Don't ever think that your children won't begin to see the way he is trying to manipulate them. Stay the course as the woman who did not let this change her by becoming bitter and manipulative, and your children, and even the people within the legal system, will see your integrity. I suspect that your husband is looking for areas where his words or actions make you do or say something that he can use to blame some of this on you. He will have a plan to somehow justify what he has done, because it is much easier than accepting blame. Don't give him this. 

Keep notes on the things he is saying to your children to manipulate them. Or saying to others. In his mind, he's probably magnifying the things that you might have done wrong to hurt him, distorting them to make himself feel justified now that you didn't simply sweep them under the rug. If his words and actions don't make you sink to his level, he might even become more desperate to justify himself, giving you what you need to use to keep your home and protect your children.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Im so sorry you are going through this. I didnt want to read and run but im not sure i am the best person to advise you on your situation.
As Halien has said above there are others on this site who are more well equipped to advise you and i am sure they will be along to help soon.

My thoughts are with you
DG
X


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Thanks Halien for your supportive words. 

In regards to the kids, how on earth are you suppose to keep your cool and be the better person when your oldest child is continuously blaming you for their Dad leaving. My oldest son keeps on telling me that "he is trying to get his life back together Mum" and that I should "give him a break". Those things that my Son has said just repeats over and over in my head all the time, where all I am trying to do is secure a better future for him and his siblings long term.

I wish I could show my kids the text messages and emails that I receive from him daily which are just disgustingly hurtful. To show them how much he is trying to hurt me and for them to realise how much of a man he isn't. But I fear that this could be used against me in court.

So far I have figured that my Oldest Son wants to live with his Dad or at least 50/50 care but I just don't agree as I have spent the last 15 years raising these kids, have put routine in their lives and have being there for them 24/7 whilst their father works to much and clearly sleeps around. I want them to be in the matrimonial home where they have spent most of their lives in. I know my husband has told my kids that 50/50 care should be put in place and the kids have told me he has said that and its all in correspondence between our Lawyers as well. His reasoning for this is so he can spend more time with them. I am just gob smacked because for the last 15 years he has hardly being there and I know it really comes down to money for him because he knows that I will have to pay more in school fees, sporting event fees and etc.

It is so hard to not take out my frustration on my kids but sometimes they cop it because I am sick of being the bad person. There are days where I just want to give up. Its unbelievable that a year ago I was somewhat happy in my marriage.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Thank you DG


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Did you report his physical abuse? Thinking his anger issues could be construed as a threat to your children. Are the kids aware that he hit you? You were a victim of domestic violence - they need to understand that for your safety, their father had to leave.

They also need to understand that mothers and fathers are not perfect - mistakes are made - and their father chose to leave the relationship. Kids shouldn't have to choose sides ... and your husband needs to stop thinking of himself and put the kids first.

Have you considered counseling to help you with the frustration you're feeling? Having a sounding board (other than the kids) would likely be beneficial to you and to them. Possibly a counselor could guide you in dealing with their resentment - or maybe it would be wise for them to get counseling as well. Since hubby left, he should be willing to pay for it.

Your kids are at a difficult age - it's a transition age of sorts. They're not little ones anymore, but they've not reached young adulthood either. They're going through puberty and the hormones are raging. They're already struggling with natural physical and emotional changes and having their family torn apart at this point in their lives is adding insult to injury. My point is, try to be patient with them - they're dealing with a lot and lashing out at you is the only way they have to express their own frustration.

I know it's tough when their father is putting all kinds of things in their heads, but as someone else said - they will see through it eventually. When your oldest says it's your fault he left, sit him down and explain to him that his father didn't want to be with you anymore - which is why he's now engaged to the other woman. You can't make someone love you if they don't - and that you're as shocked and hurt as he is. Maybe connecting to his emotions will help.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this - and hope that sharing with this group will give you a healthy outlet. There are a lot of great people here to support you.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi Jinba,

Thank you for your advice. It is so much appreciated when it comes to the kids especially as they are now my priority and not my marriage.

I stupidly did not report his abuse, once he calmed down and realised what he had done as I sat on the ground holding my pulsating cheek. He burst into tears and tried helping me. Crying does not happen very often with my husband.

My initial thoughts were to tell the kids about him hitting me but I was so afraid of them being scared of their own father and this has only happened once and that once was that night.

I never want to take the kids away from him, those are not my intentions, I just want to keep the routine that I created in their lives to ensure that they continue well in school and have that constant discipline that teenagers need for which I have discovered.

Counselling is something I am considering for myself to help me through the anger. The kids well I have thought about that as well but it is quite costly for me and at the moment now my income is the only income I have to be so careful in regards to spending. Asking for money from him is like drawing blood from a stone.

You should see the messages that I get when he transfers child support through to my account which he legally has to do. They are so abusive of which I type out in a Statutory Declaration and provide to my Lawyer.

I am trying my best to be patient with the kids. My Mum is my rock at the moment as she brings me back calm.

One of my morals that I have taught my kids is to never hate a person as hate is such a strong word. Never would I have thought I would say this but I absolutely hate my husband.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

kylies72 said:


> In regards to the kids, how on earth are you suppose to keep your cool and be the better person when your oldest child is continuously blaming you for their Dad leaving. My oldest son keeps on telling me that "he is trying to get his life back together Mum" and that I should "give him a break".


Its incredibly unfair when the children don't know the whole story. Words seem so small and ineffective when I or others try to encourage you, because nothing can take away the hurt and the feeling that your husband is manipulating them. But your husband is following two radically different scripts every single day. One is the personna that he is trying to project to your son, and the other is how he is really behaving towards you. By accepting your son, and his confusion, I really believe that he will come to see what is real and true in his life. I did. Personally, the best thing that my mother did for me was to sense when I was ready for the truth, and she finally answered my questions when I began to see that my dad's actions and his words didn't always match. Protect your children, but look ahead to the time where they are ready for the truth. They will value truth, but only you can tell when he is adult enough to understand.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Hate is a very powerful word - and to feel hatred toward someone is even more powerful. I stuggled with that feeling too and finally reached a point where I realized I didn't hate him, I hated the kind of person he'd become and the hurtful things that he did.

Good that you have your Mum to lean on. Also good that you're keeping his nasty, hurtful messages. I'll never understand why some men don't want to pay child support - they're his kids too and he should want to help support them in any way that he can. He's just being selfish in my opinion.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

kylies72 said:


> My husband told me 6 months ago that he was having an affair for 3 months and ended it because of the guilt.


And now you know this was a lie, it's Trickle Truth. You can bet the house that it's been going on for much longer. 



kylies72 said:


> A month down the track, massive arguments kept on happening and one night after a couple bottles of wine we had a huge argument and he punched me twice in the face for the first time in 19 years followed by alot of shaking and screaming at me, this scared me so much I actually wet myself because never had my husband being so aggressive towards me, my children or anyone else for that matter.


Domestic violence is inexcusable. Did you call the police? If you haven't, it's not too late. I'm surprised your lawyer hasn't advised you on this. This would help your divorce case enormously. Judges don't like cheaters, especially cheaters who beat their wives.



kylies72 said:


> He wont settle on any offers that I make. He earns $350K a year and is fighting over every little thing and already this has cost me $17,536.98. I now earn $45K a year but wants me to give up the house and sell it because he cant stand the thought of me being in the matrimonial home. The kids are getting told so many lies from him and I am copping so much crap from the kids.


Please don't tell me your kids are being brainwashed into approving this adulterous affair? They actually approve of their father destroying the family?



kylies72 said:


> I just need some support and guidance as to the steps of getting over the anger of him cheating and being engaged already and support through the what seems is going to be a lengthy divorce. Any pointers would be great and for those who would like to know, Australia is a no fault law in relation to family law when it comes to infidelity.


Find out who this OW is. If OW is married, find her husband and expose the affair to him. If OW has a boyfriend, do the same thing. This is a case where you do need to go nuclear with exposure.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Oh Jinba, I never realised how much of a selfish man he is.

He just disgusts me and even seeing him from afar when he drops the kids off at the bottom of the driveway every second weekend makes me feel sick seeing him.

Again it comes back to the anger issue that I have towards him which I plan to rectify. He just makes it hard to not be angry when he prolongs this process and does not agree on anything. He promised my two sons motor cross bikes and they just magically appeared even though he claims that he is cash poor and struggles to pay school fees and child support. Just buys them with bribes.

I know how much he makes annually but his lies and stories to try and excuse himself from having to pay higher fees than me and child support is again just disgusting.

He is only see the $$$ sign and not caring about his kids. 

I am thinking after everyone's wise words that I will sit my kids down and explain everything to them and some in detail as well. So they know what is going on. I also have to tell them that we may have to pull them out of school and put them into a public school as their father is being to selfish and is more concerned about his back pocket than his own kids welfare.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

kylies72 said:


> I stupidly did not report his abuse, once he calmed down and realised what he had done as I sat on the ground holding my pulsating cheek. He burst into tears and tried helping me. Crying does not happen very often with my husband.


Oh please, he just got scared that you were going to call the police on him. 

It's not too late to file a police report. Of course, your case is naturally weaker because you're filing it long after the fact, but if your children were there, then you have witnesses. Like I said, it would help your case enormously.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> And now you know this was a lie, it's Trickle Truth. You can bet the house that it's been going on for much longer.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thanks for your pointers Lordmayhem. You are probably right in regards to him sleeping around for more than 3 months but how would I ever find out and really what good would it do as well.

As previously stated in other posts, I did not contact the police as I am trying to protect the relationship between him and kids and I am just not wanting to bed the bad person in the kids eyes again. They already hate me as it is. In regards to my Lawyer. She doesn't know about him hitting me and in reference to Judges don't like cheaters, well in Australia it is a no fault legislation in regards to infidelity. My girlfriend is still going through her divorce which has being going on for 1 year and 3 months and he cheated a number of times and Judge does not care. Judges are more interested in Interest between parties in Australia. It is really frustrating.

He is brainwashing the kids and I am trying to protect them but I just posted and said that I am going to sit the kids down and go through the whole process minus the physical abuse.

In so far as the OW, I am not going to get involved. He already is nasty as it is and I don't want to escalate the situation further. I just want to move on with my life and just wish he would see that.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Oh please, he just got scared that you were going to call the police on him.
> 
> It's not too late to file a police report. Of course, your case is naturally weaker because you're filing it long after the fact, but if your children were there, then you have witnesses. Like I said, it would help your case enormously.


There are no witnesses to him hitting me. My kids were asleep upstairs as this was late at night. I will consider your advice in relation to filing a police report.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

kylies72 said:


> As previously stated in other posts, I did not contact the police as I am trying to protect the relationship between him and kids and I am just not wanting to bed the bad person in the kids eyes again. They already hate me as it is.


:slap:

Notice I didn't use the godzilla facepalm.

OMG. Do you realize what you're doing? You are protecting his relationship with the kids when all he's doing is demonizing and brainwashing the kids against you. Are you serious? Are you trying to be a martyr? Look, I know you want to be nice. But as they say here:

*It's time to turn on your b!tch switch.*

He knows you. He knows you want to be nice. That's why he's taking advantage of you. 



kylies72 said:


> In regards to my Lawyer. She doesn't know about him hitting me and in reference to Judges don't like cheaters, well in Australia it is a no fault legislation in regards to infidelity. My girlfriend is still going through her divorce which has being going on for 1 year and 3 months and he cheated a number of times and Judge does not care. Judges are more interested in Interest between parties in Australia. It is really frustrating.


Gee, and what do you think your lawyer will say about your husband comitting domestic violence? Hmmmm? Yes, my state is also no fault when it comes to infidelity. They could care less if infidelity causes the end of a marriage. What it does affect is division of marital assets. They don't take too kindly to cheaters who beat their wives.

Turn on that switch. Do it now. Start respecting yourself and stop being a doormat to him.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

I feel extremely sad to read your post....I have not walked your path and I will not be able to advise or fully understand your sorrow but just wanted to say *hugs* and please don't take it on your kids, it will only push them further away. Truth will never be hidden forever, your kids will come to know the truth one day. Will keep you in my prayers.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi Guys,

Another day is over and after Lordmayhems advice and my Mum going see I told you should have done this in regards to filing a report with the Police re in relation to him hitting me that one time. I did it today, I first called the local police station and they asked that I go down and make a statement. 

I also provided a copy of the Stat Decs that I have being typing out showing the abusive messages that he sends through to me on a daily basis, they weren't overly interested in them but still took a copy for their records anyway. My Mum took photos of my cheek where it was very lightly bruised the day after he hit me and I provided that to the Police as well. They said that the photo could have been taken at anytime but they will still file it.

So all up I was there for just over an hour and they said that they will contact him. I asked if they could not but as this was a formal report they have to follow it up. I am quite concerned of what my husband will do when he has that confrontation but here is hoping that this will scare him.

I provided a copy of my statement and noted down the Job Number and gave this to my Lawyer and we went through a few things in regards to the next process.

Anyhow after picking the kids up from school this afternoon, my husbands friend turned up out of the blue and served me with an affidavit. Keeping in mind obviously my husband does not know yet that I filed a report with the police. But I was served with this affidavit which stated that his now supposed fiance has quit her job to help Shane care and raise his kids. I just don't know what to do or what to think. I just wish I knew what he is thinking.

I have forwarded this onto my Lawyer which she will peruse and I reckon after today's events my Lawyer will bill me an extra $600.00. In one day. No wonder the money is running out quicker than I expected.

Has anyone self acted in a divorce or part there of before? I just realistically can not afford to keep accruing these legal fees. So stressed right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, today's drama was enough.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

jinba said:


> I'll never understand why some men don't want to pay child support - they're his kids too and he should want to help support them in any way that he can. He's just being selfish in my opinion.


I know exactly what you mean when it comes to child support. He just doesn't get it that these kids are his kids as well. My husband has become one of the most selfish people I have ever come across in my 40 years of life.

At the end of the day his obligations are to his children and not to me anymore and I will fight with everything that I have in me to protect my children's future welfare. I have said this many a time to my husband since separation and there is always a half arse excuse or come back every time.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Lordy makes some good points - it's not your job to protect his relationship with the kids - it's his. I shielded my kids from their father's actions and wish I hadn't. I lied about the bruises on my face and my swollen jaw - told them I fell - and I regret it to this day. I always supported the "honesty is the best policy" rule with my kids and the beating is the only thing I ever lied to them about. Still pains me to think I lowered my standards, betrayed myself and my kids, to protect him. 

At this point however, you have no police report or witnesses to back up your domestic violence case. He's likely to deny it and it will be your word against his. Sadly, this could backfire making you look like a vindictive wife who's making up stories to sway the outcome of your D. I'd think long and hard about throwing this information into the mix. Maybe discuss it with your lawyer for advice on whether or not it will be beneficial or destructive, because it sounds like your H will stoop to any level to make you look bad.

When you talk to the kids, try to refrain from bad mouthing their father - do it with respect for all concerned. Be honest, but gentle. Watch their facial expressions and listen to their comments - stay tuned into them - they'll guide you through it with regard to what you're saying and how you're saying it. The goal is to make sure they are attentive and really listening - let them ask questions as you go. Remember, this isn't an opportunity for you to vent or get back at their father - it's a discussion to help them understand what's happening and why.

Good luck Kylie - and keep us posted. We're all here for you!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"He is brainwashing the kids and I am trying to protect them but I just posted and said that I am going to sit the kids down and go through the whole process minus the physical abuse."

You needto get the kids into counseling. There are probably social agencies you can talk to. With the amount of money he makes he should pay for it, talk to your attorneys to see if they can make him pay.

Are you sure you and your attorneys are playing hardball here?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Also,see if you can get him to make a reference to the night he punched in am email or text. You should talk to the police to protect yourself in the future.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

kylies72 said:


> Hi Guys,
> 
> Another day is over and after Lordmayhems advice and my Mum going see I told you should have done this in regards to filing a report with the Police re in relation to him hitting me that one time. I did it today, I first called the local police station and they asked that I go down and make a statement.
> 
> ...


Oh Kylie - I'm hoping for the best, but I don't think this was a wise thing to do. I really fear that reporting this so long after the fact is going to hurt you more than help.

As for the supposed fiance quitting her job - well, so be it. She's still NOT the kids mother - and the fact that you are will weigh heavier in court. I'm curious though - if he's "struggling financially" as he claims, why would he support her quitting her job? That's less household income - so it shoots holes in his "woe is me" attitude about his finances.

The way I see it, he's shot himself in the foot. Now you both have one income households and his income is much higher than yours. In my mind, this should mean he pays more ... and ultimately, without her income, he'll have less. Make sense?

Also curious - do you think he's going to try and get full custody of the kids? Offering a "stay at home step-mum" to make his home look more stable than yours? I don't mean to scare you with this question, but it's a possibility you should consider and discuss with your attorney so you're prepared.

You're fighting a tough battle my friend - stay strong - follow your heart - and do what's best for you and your kids. Somewhere down the road, they'll appreciate you for it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Also,see if you can get him to make a reference to the night he punched in am email or text. You should talk to the police to protect yourself in the future.


Yes, if he's sending abusive messages, see if you can get him to admit it himself now.

I would also be concerned for your safety, have a plan of what to do in case he suddenly escalates his violence.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Kylie,

He seems to be stopping at nothing to get what he wants, which is no money going into your hands, even if it is for the children, plus to manipulate their emotions. You will naturally want to protect your children by keeping them out of the details, but are you sure that your husband is doing the same?

The oldest, in particular, might be particularly vulnerable to his father's distortions. I understand that you want to keep them out of this, but is your husband? Some careful questioning might give you an idea. Please don't let your husband sink to the level of sabotaging your relationship with your children, especially the oldest, who the younger ones are watching during this time. You may have to reach out to a therapist who deals with young adults to learn how to counter your husband's manipulations. Based on the questions your oldest was asking you, it might be one of your best helps to have your children, espectially the oldest, seeing a counselor. My son struggled with depression a few years ago, and the young man he worked with was an invaluable help to him.

I'll reiterate, however, that when it comes to your children, they will begin to see that your husband is manipulating their emotions, but you are not. You are their mother - their one person who protects them above everything else. Long after your husband has lost their hearts, you will still be the one who always put your love for them above everything. 

You mentioned that your son was angry that you did not give your husband another chance - at some point, he should be asking himself why your husband moved on so quickly to another woman (but you didn't move on), if he really wanted to bring the family back together. Don't underestimate your kids - you raised them well.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Also,see if you can get him to make a reference to the night he punched in am email or text. You should talk to the police to protect yourself in the future.


:iagree:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Please don't think I am minimizing what he put you through but I have to ask? Has he been evaluated for mental health issues? You don't just punch your wife in the face after almost 20 years of no violence. Then the cheating, and quick engagement?

He has some serious highs and lows. Do what you gotta do and try not to feel too sad about his engagement. It seems completely impulse.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi Guys,

I have been freaking out for the last few hours about what effect this is going to have in the near future.

Just so you all know I do have emails from him apologizing a number of times in numerous emails and text messages regarding the physical abuse but also of him blaming me a number of times causing him to harm me by egging him on.

I received this email from him about an hour ago, I thought to show you guys what I receive daily, sorry I have not read the other posts on here but will get to them shortly, maybe tomorrow as it is 12:33am here in Australia:-

Kylie,

I assume that you were served this afternoon with the Affidavit that Megan has executed. Megan has resigned from her job and has completely dedicated herself to assist me in caring for and raising MY children.

As you completely disregard my offers to you, you have left me with no choice but to instruct my new Solicitor in regards to the current parenting situation. I know you have already contacted Child Services through your Lawyer and yourself directly as the Case Manager appointed has contacted me and you would have most likely told him incorrect information as I know you will lie to get your way like always.

Kylie, you are a user, you are claiming to much from me and you just do not understand that this whole drama that you are causing is bringing me down. I give you $100K of our money and yet you seem to be prepared to blow it on legal fees and fight me for everything. GET OFF MY GRAVY TRAIN.

You are such a piece of work and I regret the 20 years that we have been together. I feel sorry for MY children being in the same household as you.

Who do you think you are you F*&^ing mole. Claiming 45% of my superannuation, my tax return, the money from the X5 that I happily took off you which you didn't deserve in the first place, the house and 45% value of the three rental properties. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE - I WORKED FOR THAT HOUSE AND PAID THE MORTGAGE OFF. YOU DESERVE NOTHING. I cant believe you are wanting 10 days out of a fortnight with the kids. You seriously want to give me 4 F*&^ing days with my kids, HOW DARE YOU. Well you can go to hell because I am going for 50/50 and more.

STOP FIGHTING KYLIE - YOU WONT WIN

I am going away this weekend with Megan, to escape this emotional devastation you are causing. To regain my strength to have the energy to put up with your ****.

AGAIN - GET OFF MY GRAVY TRAIN

Shane

See what I have to put up with guys. This man has totally changed.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Also,see if you can get him to make a reference to the night he punched in am email or text. You should talk to the police to protect yourself in the future.


As per my post below containing an email from my insane husband. I have emails and text messages that contain reference to him hitting me with apologies and some of them blaming me for his actions.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Today has been so emotionally exhausting.

I have decided to sit my children down tomorrow night and explain why this is happening and if they require, I will provide evidence so they know what their father is like. I just want them to know what could happen when their father finds out about the Police Report and I can imagine he will go off the rails about this.

I was hoping to do this when I was ready but so much has happened today that leaving it to much longer could make things so much worse.

He just scares me so much, I have seen and endured as to what he is capable off and I just hope that he calms down and sees the light I am trying to get to so I can move on with my life.

I think it ultimately comes down to him being the control freak that he always has been and is enjoying making me suffer by being in control of this legal battle and not agreeing and I just don't think he can let me go.

I am going to bed now as this day has been exhausting.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You may want to start a thread in the Divorce section because it sounds like you need advice specific to conducting a divorce. The member ing, I believe, is also divorcing in Australia, you may want to PM and see if he has any suggestions.

I am sorry kylie. Keep this thread open to vent about the infidelity here, and then your thread in the divorce section can get you the advice you need for dealing with a spouse who is clearly out for scorched earth revenge on the person he betrayed. What a wacko.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Please do not take the following as an endorsement of your oldest son's defending of his father. *IF* you have bad mouthed their father, then you must stop it. Like it or not, they love their father despite him being a lying, no good, cheating husband who has destroyed you, the marriage, and their family. You have every right to be outraged by his despicable marital betrayal, but please stop yourself before you allow your emotions to get the best of you in front of your kids. 

You may want to consider sitting down with your son and calmly explaining to him that while you don't want his relationship with his father to be affected by the coming divorce, that you are deeply devastated that the man you loved, bore his children and committed the rest of your life to, betrayed you in such a horrible way and that while he is right that you need to move on with your life, to please understand that your grief is akin to having lost a loved one. Hopefully your son will begin to see your side and empathize more with it.

Asking what the law entitles you in a divorce is fair. He got married to you knowing full well that everything that was brought into the marriage AFTER the marriage, was community property. It doesn't matter whether you were a SAHM (stay at home mom) and he was the breadwinner, the law is the law and as the old saying goes "Ignorance of the law is no excuse".


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Not sure how the divorce laws work in your country but here in the US, in my state specifically, you're entitled to half the marital assets which is anything accumulated during the marriage, and more often than not you get to at least stay in the house until the kids are older.

He's an abusive bully and he's trying to intimidate you into meeting his unreasonable demands.

I suggest you cut contact with him and let the attorneys deal with it.

As far as the domestic abuse charges go, you have him admitting to it in an email, he'd have a tough time denying that he wrote the emails and that the incident never occured under a tough cross examination.

Besides at least in my country, you don't need proof or witnesses, just an accusation on the part of the alleged victim, it seems that the burden of proof is on the accused to prove innocence, not the victim to prove guilt.

One last thing, at least in my state, attorneys fees are paid by the spouse with the higher income, you might want to ask your attorney about that one.

Unfortunately it's going to cost you, and $600 is just a drop in the bucket. The tough reality is that highly contested divorces drain the marital assets and can even result in loss of the marital home, and plunge the parties into bankruptcy because of the high legal fees.

But if he's not going to be reasonable then you have no choice.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

kylies72 said:


> As per my post below containing an email from my insane husband. I have emails and text messages that contain reference to him hitting me with apologies and some of them blaming me for his actions.


And you printed and submitted these emails to the police as evidence for your domestic violence police report, yes? As well as the other emails and texts for the harassment report too I hope?

If your attorney hasn't advised you to do this, then she's worthless. Fire her and get a shark of an attorney.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> You may want to start a thread in the Divorce section because it sounds like you need advice specific to conducting a divorce. The member ing, I believe, is also divorcing in Australia, you may want to PM and see if he has any suggestions.
> 
> I am sorry kylie. Keep this thread open to vent about the infidelity here, and then your thread in the divorce section can get you the advice you need for dealing with a spouse who is clearly out for scorched earth revenge on the person he betrayed. What a wacko.


Thanks iheartlife. I am getting alot more support through this thread so I might stick to this one if you don't mind. I have put an add in Going Through Divorce asking out for the member ING though. Thank you.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Well another day has passed and I did not hear from my husband at all. It was so nice actually.

Anyhow, after school today I took the kids home and sat them all down and spent about three hours with them and told them what was going on and what their Dad did. You could tell they looked confused so I explained a lot and expressed to them my feelings and it wasn't overly that scary in the end because they really opened up to me.

There were tears and hugs as I couldn't help but whimper while I explained certain things but hopefully they have taken that on board to think about before they go back to their fathers next weekend.

I can't wait for the official 12 months after we separated to get the formal divorce finalised. I think it will just be the Children Orders that will be hard but as you all know how much he loves money the Property Settlement is going to be the worst but we will cross that road when it comes.

I hope that everyone had a nice day.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

kylies72 said:


> He has left and I filed for divorce soon after, he gave me $100K so I could buy a car, hire a Lawyer and survive until I found a job.



Kylie,

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. 

I don't know the specifics of Australian law, but isn't the $100k and whatever other savings there are half yours? If so, he didn't give it to you, he simply didn't raise hell when you took something that fairly belonged to you.

Are you entitled to temporary spousal support and child support? Are you getting those things? If not, why not?

Are you entitled to spousal maintenance after the divorce?

How are attorney's fees handled in Australia? In the states, sometimes one spouse is ordered to pay the other spouse's atty fees, particularly when the spouse ordered to pay has made things more contentious then they need to be.

Are you getting everything you are entitled to under the law in your jurisdiction? If not, why not?

How good is your solicitor?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi. Sorry to hear about this. It is awful. 

HALF OF EVERYTHING IS YOURS!! Get it locked up! He is spending and hiding it!


Don't worry too much about the money. Get in contact with the Child Support Agency. Open a case and not a private one either, They are very helpful and will bust his bubble so fast he won't know what hit him. He will be paying money to you direct out of his account by next month. They WILL get you the money!

Let THEM handle the collection of what he owes you. They will use last years tax return to work out what he owes you. 

The police probably can't do much from a single incident but they need to know. So file a report. 
If they are called a second time it will go to the Domestic Violence Division. 

You need to write up a Parenting Plan and deliver it to him. It must contain a way to resolve disputes. In your case I would involve the courts if a dispute can not be settled quickly. There is a template on the CSA site.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kylie

Your husband is a true dirtbag.

Follow Ing's advice and make sure solicitor is really good.

Send that last beautiful email from your husband to your attorney and the police.

Good Luck and fight for your kids.

HM64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ing said:


> Hi. Sorry to hear about this. It is awful.
> 
> HALF OF EVERYTHING IS YOURS!! Get it locked up! He is spending and hiding it!
> 
> ...


Her husband sounds like he has become unhinged. In the states a person can get an Emergency protective order. Can she not do that in Australia?

To OP do you have any way to protect yourself?

Here, everything the two of you earn over the course of the marriage is split down the middle. It sounds like he owes you much more. Don't let him roll over you like a bandit.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You can get an RO. 
Step one.
Report any abuse to police.
If he comes back and as much as raises his voice you call the police again.
This triggers the DV division to be involved and they will help you get protected. 
You are not alone. There is a lot of support and it works fast. Surprisingly..


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ing said:


> You can get an RO.
> Step one.
> Report any abuse to police.
> If he comes back and as much as raises his voice you call the police again.
> ...


Thank you for your response from all the way around the world. Cool ain't it?


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

ing said:


> Hi. Sorry to hear about this. It is awful.
> 
> HALF OF EVERYTHING IS YOURS!! Get it locked up! He is spending and hiding it!
> 
> ...


Hi ING, 

People recommended that I try and contact you as you reside in Australia. So much appreciated.

Now. Just to get you up to speed the, I have contacted CSA and they have been fantastic. When he left, he was paying every fortnight a certain sum and then it went to none at all. He sent me an abusive email the other which I copy and paste it to this thread so everyone could see what I am dealing with.

He mentioned that I had contacted Child Services (CSA) and claimed that I probably lied to them to get my way. As if, all I want is for him to help me feed his kids. I seriously feel like bashing my head against a brick wall sometimes.

Anyhow we will see by the end of next week when the money starts to come through again for Child Support.

In regards to parenting plans. OMG the many times where he would agree and then the next day not agree or not stick it. My lawyer is back and forth to his lawyer which would now be his new lawyer because he sacked the last one. I think he sacked his last one because I reckon they would have told him the truth and he would not have liked it.

I had a lengthy discussion over the phone yesterday evening with my lawyer and she told me off because I get wound up and reply to Shane. So my focus at the moment is to stop corresponding and retaliating to his emails and text messages.

This man is costing me a fortune.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

kylies72 said:


> I had a lengthy discussion over the phone yesterday evening with my lawyer and she told me off because I get wound up and reply to Shane. So my focus at the moment is to stop corresponding and retaliating to his emails and text messages.
> 
> This man is costing me a fortune.


She did the right thing by telling you off. DO NOT respond to his provocations anymore. In fact, don't speak to him by phone directly anymore if possible. Preferably, only communicate with him by email, not text messages or voice. That way there is a legal record of his communications to you. Because if you went to the police about his verbal harassment, then it's basically your word against his. That's why everything should be by email, which he cannot deny. Let him know that from this point forward, any communications between the two of you will be by email only. Watch him suddenly become tolerable.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Hi Kylie, I really feel for you. And I completely understand. My ex partner became exactly the same once we split. You need to go very very carefully, DO NOT get sucked into any arguments over what he is doing or why. DO NOT. And DO NOT JUSTIFY YOURSELF TO YOUR CHILDREN! I was exactly where you are now nearly 5 years ago. The only thing you have that improves your position to mine is that you were married. We were not and so I was entitled to nothing. And you are at the very start of this road. If I could do it all again I would do it very differently knowing what I know now. I won't go into my situation as it is a very long story, but if you can ride this storm and stay detached from his stupidity, his desperate attempts to reel you into his storm, you will lose. Mine was...is...a master manipulator. I didn't realise the full extent til a good year after our split. Before that I was just in a mass of upset and utter confusion that this man, the one that caused the split between us, the one who I had loved and given so much to, could be so vile to me. Directly, and through our kids. He did it through the kids in such a subtle way that they cannot see what he is doing. And he is good. Very good. He had me believing all his flannel for 11 years. I was deeply unhappy and every time I went to him to express my unhappiness I came away wondering what was wrong with me and why I would cause all around me such difficulty. I am not stupid either. And I am a very good judge of character. But he was very very good at what he did. Do not engage with your ex with any of what he slings at you. He knows it is NOT true. He is just desperately trying all he can to justify his actions. Do not allow him to justify anything! Do not engage.

I was dismayed to read that you had chatted to your children. You might find that they go back to their Dad and say 'mum said this, mum said that' which then gives him the opportunity to further fill their head with crap and then they come back to you to sling more mud. Thus, they are now confused. And thus they are now weapons stuck in the middle of you both. Every time they sling crap at you, see it as nothing but a bullet from him. You need to just listen to them, tell them you disagree, and say to them that when they are calm you are happy to answer any questions they would like to ask you. Do not engage with your children in any way unless they have a genuine question they want to ask you. And make that clear to them. I know how gut wrenching it is to be accused of all kinds of lies and twisted and manipulated 'truths' but u must see it for what it is. Ignore it. It is only words from him and nothing to do with them. They will see through it in the end. And if you try and help them see through it, it will backfire on you. No matter what crap they throw at you, engage only in as much as to say 'I disagree. If you want to talk, talk to me when you are calm and pleasant'. No more.

Your ex, your lawyer was correct to tell you off for engaging with him. Do not. Under any circumstances. No matter how hard it is to hear such upsetting untruths about you, about what you are like, about how he feels for you, about what you have been like the whole marriage. Do not think he is speaking from a position of any truth whatsoever. Assume he believes none of what he says. Assume every word is just a fishing line, baited and waiting for it's next bite. Do not be his catch. Even if there is a small grain of truth in the mound of sh*t he throws, do not take it, digest it, listen to it, acknowledge it. DO NOT! See it for what it is and do not let him get to you. That is his Desire and wish. If he gets to you then you engage in his crap and feed into his accusations and stupidity. If it does get to you (which it will) then do not under any circumstance let him know it.

Consider everything you say to him or the kids before you say it. Choose your battles well, ignore the rest.

I agree with Lord Mayhem in that you have to correspond only by email. Or letter or text. I had to get to this point. It improved things a lot. He tried a lot to talk on phone, but I would not. He didn't become tolerable. He just became less intolerable. Oh, and I had to get the solicitor onto him the first or second year we split up over abusive texts. Everything he could he used to abuse me. Me, my family, my friends. He sent me sexually disgusting texts. It cooled off a little after the letter from solicitor. Now...he is still abusive. Insulting on a regular basis. When I ask him not to be I then get accused of being oversensitive. He is not insulting, He and everyone he knows would never be so over sensitive or call that insulting. He doesn't do that. Now, this last week or so I have been recording our phone conversations. I have kept many texts from about a year or so after we split.

Basically, accept your ex is a different man. He is an enemy that you cannot disconnect with until your children are 18. And even then you will still have to see him here and there. Marriages, funerals. He is an enemy and you are his bait. Do not allow him to make you his bait. Do not allow him to use your children to bait you. Do not engage any of what he says either directly or indirectly through the children. Do not be his bait. Your kids will never hate you, and they will see through him. So long as you stand back and allow that to happen. The more you tussle, the more they will be in the middle, the more likely they will grow up and hate the both of you. Stand back and let him dig his own hole. Be happy for him and his new partner...yuk....and his new life. Those kids will not like him or be happy for him once the realisation sets in. And you will remain whiter than white. Clean. Stay clean.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

> Anyhow we will see by the end of next week when the money starts to come through again for Child Support.


The CSA will have called him and told him that he can't just skip in to the sunset and that the will be intercepting his pay to get the money. That is why he is angry. 



> In regards to parenting plans. OMG the many times where he would agree and then the next day not agree or not stick it. My lawyer is back and forth to his lawyer which would now be his new lawyer because he sacked the last one. I think he sacked his last one because I reckon they would have told him the truth and he would not have liked it.


As long as you are making the effort and sticking to it yourself it is okay and will show you are being reasonable. The parenting plan is just about how you are going to split time and such. Don't mention money beyond things like "share school related costs" 
In the end you both are going to have to agree.. 
You are bound together for the rest of your lives. It isn't all going to get sorted out now, it doesn't need to either. 

Spending heaps on a lawyer trying to get him to be reasonable at this stage is just costing you money and achieving little. So slow it down where you can.

Give him your parenting plan. Make it short and in numbered point form. You need to stop him just saying "blah blah parenting plan" 
You need to be able to say. "which bit? Part 4b?"
. 
Then down at the bottom...
If either parent does not agree to any point in the plan then it should be settled first by.
1. Court mediation
2. Family court order.
The idea is to remove emotion. It is a contract. Yes it comes down to this.

All communication via email. Text only for pickups and drop offs. He will try and draw you out. Press all your buttons. Shout and scream in the car on your own, but do not respond.

Reality will take about a year to sink in. Divorce sucks and the life he imagined was fantasy. 

You can make a financial claim on your ex a year after the Divorce so as long as you do an audit now of the assets and cash you can defer that part of the job. That is two years away!



> This man is costing me a fortune.


This is reality. Anything you imagined was your financial future just got flushed down the toilet. Lawyers are just going to deprive you and your children of money so don't have "lengthy conversations" go see a counselor. Cheaper than a lawyer and more useful for your head.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Remains said:


> I was dismayed to read that you had chatted to your children. You might find that they go back to their Dad and say 'mum said this, mum said that' which then gives him the opportunity to further fill their head with crap and then they come back to you to sling more mud.


Hi Remains,

Thank you for your support there. I found it really quite good and to the point.

I know I have felt sick over the last few days since telling the kids. I regards to them confronting their father and questioning him, they will do so. Its in all three of my kids nature and I understand that completely. I have shown them evidence of certain things, keeping in mind not everything but a few things mild just for them to get the picture. It was actually quite a surprise, but my oldest boy who has been quite demanding and dramatic about this situation was quite emotional when I explained to him why and when all this went pear shape. He admitted that "Dad isn't the old Dad that he once knew".

Shane used to be very tight with money even though money never was a problem in the household but my son and to be frank all of my children have seen his spending has increased for example the motor cross bikes that I mentioned earlier in this thread. Problem is he is buying his children to bring them closer to him and the kids aren't silly, they know what is going on but at the same time (as morally wrong as it is) they are taking advantage of him by accepting him spoiling them.



Remains said:


> I agree with Lord Mayhem in that you have to correspond only by email.


Yes Lordmayhem, ING, yourself and my Lawyer have really been quite to the point in regards to corresponding with him. That is something I have to work on and try to prevent. I told my Lawyer to give me an ear full if I respond to him.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

ing said:


> The CSA will have called him and told him that he can't just skip in to the sunset and that the will be intercepting his pay to get the money. That is why he is angry.


Yes they would have hence the mention of it in that nasty email. That was quite mild compared to many that I have received of late.

I think the reason why he is so angry is the fact that I took control over this situation (with the help of my Lawyer) and he has no option but to pay. He hates when the control is not in his hands. 



ing said:


> As long as you are making the effort and sticking to it yourself it is okay and will show you are being reasonable. The parenting plan is just about how you are going to split time and such. Don't mention money beyond things like "share school related costs"
> In the end you both are going to have to agree..
> You are bound together for the rest of your lives. It isn't all going to get sorted out now, it doesn't need to either.
> 
> ...


I am in the middle of preparing another parenting plan that hopefully he will agree to. The number points are a perfect idea. I was using bullet point but I never really thought that through properly I don't think, where he can reference to what he does not agree to is just excellent. 

Its funny that you mentioned Court Mediation as my Lawyer said to me that she thinks there is a high chance we will have to go there because of his erratic behavior. She mentioned this will be a later down the track procedure.

Many people have mentioned going to see a Counsellor. I will see if my doctor can refer me to one that Bulk Bills. Surely that option would be available.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

> Many people have mentioned going to see a Counsellor. I will see if my doctor can refer me to one that Bulk Bills. Surely that option would be available.


You can get 6 free sessions on medicare. You will need to do a mental health plan though. It is nothing really. Just fill it in as you feel and you will get it! It helped me enormously but not as much as this site and all the good people here.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Well well well,

I thought I would check in after a few weeks, the drama still continues to exhaust me with my husband. I have refrained from contacting him direct unless needed for the kids.

It has worked but he emails my lawyer almost every day. He costs me a fortune, every time he emails my lawyer it costs me $68.

He is still coming up with stupid offers. He has which I figured would happen, trying to hide assets and money. I would love to know what his fiance thinks about this, because clearly he can't let me go with this constant correspondence back and forward.

It is pretty obvious he is regretting the separation because I received a text message which I still have on my phone and hope to show his fiance one day. It mentions that he misses me and that he will never find anyone as classy and sexy as me and all this crap. Don't be fooled though folks because an hour after that nice friendly text I received something more abusive and direct. So even though he is contacting the lawyer, he still is trying to get me to give him my attention.

The kids have been so emotional, they confronted their father about what I told them, he admitted according to my oldest about a lot and admitted cheating on me. So that was an eye opener that he came clean to the kids. My poor darlings are just so cut up that their Dad has lied about a lot to me and to them. 

The confrontation from the Police did not go down to well. He tried calling, emailing and texting me but I did not respond. I have saved voicemails on my mobile where he is literally screaming down the phone. You could just hear the pure hatred that he has for me now.

I have started seeing a Counsellor of which he is great, she has helped out hugely over the last weeks about dealing with the abusive communications, the anger and dealing with our children who have being quite rebellious of late. The kids start having sessions with another Counsellor soon as well, for now my parents are paying for it as my husband refuses to pay for therapy and claims that its my influence as to why they are messed up.

On a more positive note, I meet a really nice man who is 7 years older than me. But he is just really nice and funny, makes me laugh which I haven't done in a few months. He is divorced and has 2 kids. He works for a company that contracts for the shipping docks around Australia, so he is quite interesting. We have a third dinner date next Friday.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband isn't in the fog. He is generating a toxic cloud. 

It's at times like this I use the word dastard to describe someone. Fits your ex-to-be down to a t. 

_Dastard: A coward. a person who acts treacherously or underhandedly_


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Your husband isn't in the fog. He is generating a toxic cloud.
> 
> It's at times like this I use the word dastard to describe someone. Fits your ex-to-be down to a t.
> 
> _Dastard: A coward. a person who acts treacherously or underhandedly_


You hit the nail on the head MattMatt..... I couldn't say it any better


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kylies72,

Wow I can't believe your husband came clean to the kids.

Not surprised he is still spitting venom. That man has serious anger issues. Is his fiance in for a rough ride once your divorce is final.

It could not happen to a nicer fiance!!!!

You stay strong. That is one guy you can live without other than the contact for the kids. And find his damn money.......

I am glad you found a friend to go out with. Good for you.

HM64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can't the courts force him to stop communicating with you. Send him one text, tell him every time he texts your lawyer it costs him $68.

There is a website for divorcing men called Dads divorce or somehting like that. Have you searched for advice for women going through divorce?

Good luck and prayers for your family. I hope you can take your kids to church by the way, they can use good spiritual/moral guidance.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Well I am back for an update guys. 

The drama in my life has taken another step up with my husband being completely unstable. I was invited to go to our mutual friends 40th birthday of which I attended. My kids were at my parents because it was my weekend to have the kids.

I arrived to the party and Shane was there to my disgust. Surprisingly with no fiance. I did not speak to him at all until later in the evening when he confronted me and asked that we go and talk. I admit I was really rude but agreed so we sat out the front for a while mainly going through timetables for kids sport and pick up times. It escalated in the end to a full on argument because he wanted to discuss issues between us.

It has confirmed for me that he is not the person I married 19 years ago. He snapped again and he grabbed me and was shaking me constantly screaming at my face, threatened to kill me and saying that my body would never be found, running at me with his fist clenched and would stop just before my face, he has obviously thought about what would happen if he did hit me. He did this quite a few times until I ran down the road calling my Mum. I wet myself when he threatened my life because I could see pure and utter hatred in his eyes. I was thinking about it the other day, I have only wet myself twice in my adult life, the first time was when Shane hit me the first time many months ago and last weekend.

He chased me and caught up and grabbed my bag and threw everything all over the road, I was trying to push past him to run back to the house where the party was to be safer but he wouldn't let me. He kept grabbing me, pushing me back and shoving me constantly because he wanted to get my phone off me because I had called my Mum.

My Mum had called the Police but she arrived to the corner of the street where we were and ran to her car and jumped in. As Mum drove away he was looking at my Mum and I but he was laughing hysterically.

Since that night, I have been to the Police and have given a statement to them. Even though he did not hit me an order can be put against him as his intimidation is deemed under domestic violence.

My lawyer is having a field day of the events as this will work in our favor hopefully as my Mum was a part witness to the events. I am now fighting against him in regards to the kids. I don't want to the kids to be around him without supervision. I provided a copy of every single message to his fiance both statements to the police.

I just feel that she needs to know what she is in for. The funny thing is that she told me that she asked him if he had any contact with me and he has lied for the whole time they have being together. She was not impressed and said that she is going to confront him about it.

So everything is in limbo at the moment with my lawyer being on leave and the constant abuse that I have received this weekend because I refuse to hand the kids over.

This man that I have being seeing has being great. He has being through a divorce but not so vial though. His support has being really nice. I have taken the kids away for the weekend because I am certain that Shane will turn up even though I have said no to taking the kids for his weekend.

So the fight continues and all I want to do is move on and ensure that my kids are safe.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Kylie, honey, you don't have to stay in this marriage at all, first priority keep a VAR on you in case he threatens you or physically abuses you again, this can be used in court. Listen when my fWW and I were in full R mode i often had to dealwith the anger and many a times i shook her hard enough to rattle her teeth and my behaviour was truly abusive but not once did I punch her in the face or slap her or strike her in a way that would cause her serious physical harm, and I was the BS.

You do not need to stay in this relationship, file a restraining order if you have to, Do not tolerate this behaviour for a single moment because he might be shoving you and physically abusing you today, you continue to tolerate this and he could do nastier things tomorrow. You need to get your children and yourself safely ensconced in a place where you have adequate security from him


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Hey Kyliue, If you believe he is hiding income (has his own business etc), you can tell the CSA that you believe he is doing this & they will investigate. I have known a few men who have hidden their income for child support & when their ex-wives had them investigated, they had to pay back support + the correct amount from then on.
I guess with your income you don't qualify for a legal-aid lawyer, but be careful of going with no lawyer as you can be your last dollar he will be getting representation. 
Just one more piece of advice, take it slowly going into a new relationship, you are bruised & hurt emotionally, it is too easy to jump into a new relationship while you are vunerable & never take the time to heal. Not saying the new bloke is not nice, he probably is, but you need time to recover.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi All,

I thought I would check in, I know it has being a few months since my last post. I am looking forward to April next year for the official hearing date to be set for the divorce.

Anyway, he is still been really aggressive but in a careful way. I document it all and so far have three folders full of his correspondence. We are still having issues regarding him with the kids. He has realised its all to hard and that I need to take on more days, keeping in mind people that he has them for 4 days out of 14.

The kids are not enjoying themselves when they are there because he is really controlling and strict and now that we are separated I have realised that the whole marriage was controlled by him. For example, if I went shopping with my girlfriends, he would be at work watching what I spend and then would take all the money out of the account so that I couldn't spend anymore. He would gloat when he told me that he had done this.

We think that he broke into the house and my parents house as well because we know he has keys to the house so my parents paid for the locksmith to change all locks on the house and their house as well. They also had an alarm installed in both houses as well so I am really thankful for their support and care.

I removed the domestic violence order as he admitted to it all and it was going to cause a whole lot of more stress on my behalf. My Lawyer was hesitant on my choice but she has monitored his actions lately and understands my path.

Me, well I am feeling alot better. My psychologist is fantastic and I don't cry all the time now which is a big step for me. I am still angry at him for the continuing battle. I am still seeing someone and he is just fantastic. He is just the most supportive wonderful man.

I turn 40 soon as well. I wish I was in the mood to celebrate it but I will when this is all over. 

My Lawyer just says, First Step - Divorce, Second Step - Childrens Orders, Third Step - Property Settlement and then you will be on your way to rebuild you life. I try and focus on that sometimes.

Well hope you all are well.

Kylie


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Good update Kylie.

Follow your lawyers step as laid out. And I am glad the BF worked out.

You deserve better and you re finding better!

Wy to go.

HM64


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Kylie I'm glad you are able to see the abuse patterns now that you've stepped back. When you have a moment, send a private message to turnera, she has several excellent book ideas for female victims of abuse that may give you even more insight into your situation.

That story about withdrawing the money while you shopped is incredibly chilling. I am glad your parents took all those protective steps. Stay strong!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Could you explain the advantage of removing the domestic violence order? That sounds dangerous.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Could you explain the advantage of removing the domestic violence order? That sounds dangerous.


I'm curious too, sounds like your husband is pulling fear tactics


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi Guys,

I removed the DVO because of the kids. My kids were just so cut up about that fact that their father just flipped out and everything was just insane with the whole kids going to their fathers things. His fiance and I have had a chat and she was not aware of the constant communication and his drunk outbursts.

He has promised to get some help, better help might I add as his fiance has said that if he doesn't get his act together and stop drinking that they are off. So in my eyes this little chapter of her knowing what is going on will work. I have told Shane that every piece of communication now will go through his fiance as well as I want her to see what he is up to. He has agreed to put together an offer of which he is to submit but its still early days yet.

Shane is aware of the fact that he is on thin ice with me and that I could hurt his pride a bit with his recent history.

I know it seems dangerous to many but my faith in myself is strong.

Stay strong people. Thank you for your on going support.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kylie

And your faith is strong.

Good idea using his fiancee as the go between.

I like that.

Get your settlement done. Do not let him prolong the offer.

Good Luck

HM64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It isn't faith in yourself that is an issue. Its your faith in someone who has lost self control and has proven himself dangerous. What you are relying on is wishful thinking, that if you play nice, he will play nice. Its hard to imagine how you could be that naive at this late point.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

leave him now or else stay in pain


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi Guys,

I thought it were time to update you all on the progress of this lengthy divorce and my crazed husband or should I say soon to be ex-husband.

About two weeks ago I received an email from him late at night at about 11:30pm whilst I was out with my mans family and we were enjoying a few nice reds in good company until this email. It was another death threat of which I haven't received for a few months until our last blow up. At first he said that it was his colleagues that he was drinking with wrote the email but in fact he wasn't drinking with his colleagues at all. He was drinking by himself and wrote it himself to which he admitted. I could have taken it further and actually have him fired however this would take a massive toll on my life and my kids lives as the child support would come to a halt so decided not to go to extreme lengths to destroy him but he knows that I have that up my sleeve and could use it anytime.

One thing was that he admitted to the threat and apologized and was extremely upset that he let himself do that. Regardless I sent the email to his fiance of which apparently she walked out on him for few days and came back sending him on his way to his psychiatrist. I find it interesting that he is letting her take control over him as he was always in control in our marriage for example the whole taking funds out of our accounts so I couldn't spend anymore and being extremely proud of the fact that he had done so.

The kids are finding it tough. My eldest just keeps to himself really and doesn't really take notice of anything that is going on in our lives at the moment. My youngest, well she is just being her beautiful self but my middle child who turned 14 three weeks ago is finding it tough and I have noticed a few depressed moments from him. He doesn't want to go to his Dads anymore because of many reasons and the main one being that Shane is overly strict and controlling. My 14 year old son called me one night whilst he was at this Dads and was in tears all upset and told me he doesn't want to go to his Dads anymore of which made me feel really bad. He feels so upset because this was mentioned a while ago too and he feels partly responsible of our arguing. So even though I have reassured him it still seems to sit with him and his feelings.

My man is fantastic, he is the most supportive person besides my parents, my little brother and big sister. He has just being the shield of armor of hurt and has helped me in dealing with Shane. Shane has actually figured out how to contact my man and has warned him that he finds it interesting that I have gone from one wealthy man to another. He is so full of himself and I know his pride is hurt as I have found happiness and from what his fiance has said to me I don't they are in healthy relationship at all so his happiness sounds like to be at a minimal.

Oh well, we are going to resort this weekend as it is a long weekend. We have to take two cars though as we are taking my kids and his so it won't be a relaxing weekend as such but an enjoyable one.

The other thing I have to add which seems a bit personal but the sex is awesome and I think it has to do with something in regards to freedom and being back in control of my own life. My friends call me and my man rabbits. Haha

Will be back soon to give you another update as we have mediation in the next 10 or 11 weeks in regards to the kids as he cant agree on things I have proposed. Regardless of anything he won't agree so it has come to that point of the process. Its going to be costly but it must be done. Once that is done I think our divorce proceeding will be due after that so I will officially be a divorcee and my husband will officially be my ex-husband and I have decided that I will change my name back to maiden name same as my parents and I will no longer be married. Plus if I get the house in the settlement I want the house in my maiden name. So that is another thing that I won't be. I won't be a Sunderland, have being for 19 years and I think its time be just me again.

Bless you all for the supportive comments. I love this thread and coming back here to read other threads as well.

Kylie xxx


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you see his relationship unraveling be even more careful. 

It sounds like you got a death threat and did not tell the police, is this true? I think you underestimate how bad this could be. You are also protecting your kids when making sure he is kept on a short leash. I hope you have some way to protect your self besides widhful thinking. Now you are adding his jealousy into the mix.

I don't think you are taking seriously how psycho your husband is.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

chapparal said:


> If you see his relationship unraveling be even more careful.
> 
> It sounds like you got a death threat and did not tell the police, is this true? I think you underestimate how bad this could be. You are also protecting your kids when making sure he is kept on a short leash. I hope you have some way to protect your self besides widhful thinking. Now you are adding his jealousy into the mix.
> 
> I don't think you are taking seriously how psycho your husband is.


Thanks Chapparal,

Yes I haven't sent the death threat to the police because the last two haven't escalated to anything big. I know what he is doing and that is to try and scare me and have me live in fear so that he has some form of control back BUT I refuse to let him.

I have spoken to the police about a few things in regards to safety options and I have back to base security with panic buttons beside my bed, hallway, garage and front entrance to my house but my new man is staying with me when I have the kids at home and when they are at their Dads and am at his house so I am never on my own. 

I do know how psycho my husband or has turned out but I also know what he wont do anything further in regards to the damage he has already caused.

Am I being to nice do you think.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He has already beaten you once, you have a responsibility to your children to quit using kid gloves on someone who in this country would be an unconvicted felon. I can't speak for your area but here we are always hearing/reading about some woman murdered by her husband who had a protective order against him. You think they saw it coming?

You are playing with fire. If you aren't going to file charges against him, why wouldn't he escalte. If he's losing it, your family may well be in danger. Cowboy up.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

kylies72 said:


> Thanks Chapparal,
> 
> Yes I haven't sent the death threat to the police because the last two haven't escalated to anything big. I know what he is doing and that is to try and scare me and have me live in fear so that he has some form of control back BUT I refuse to let him.
> 
> ...


Your being far to nice and are taking this behaviour to lightly. Report him to the police, at least there is then a record than can be accessed if he gets worse. I suggest you check the local laws regarding child visitation rights . Dependent on the state specific guidelines ,the child above a certain age can decline to go to a parents house , if this is the case let your children decide what they want to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi Guys,

Has been sometime since my last update. Shane and I are still hating each other but rather than him contact me he is contacting my new man. He is doing this because I contacted his fiancé and would forward everything he sends to me to her as well.

But because of this I have found that there has been no aggression. My new man has had many words with him about his behaviour.

At mediation a while back, Shane walked out saying he can't handle this. So still nothing settled on re the kids.

Highlight though, I am officially divorced from that mother effer (excuse my French) on 24th of January 2013. So two months to go and counting. Just wish he would agree to kids and property settlement then we can all move on with our lives.

This is Shanes way of holding on just a little bit longer I think. 

Kids are fine except for my 14 year old almost 15 year old Son is going through a bit of depression at the moment of which he is being medicated for and seeing a councillor. He just doesn't want to be with his Dad thinks because of this and many other things he thinks we fight more if there is a conflict. My poor baby has really suffered through this process, the other two are fine.

Celebrations on the 24th of Jan!!!! Can't wait.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Had the funniest day today. Shane submitted this ridiculous offer today for the kids. He said that since we have three kids, he will give me $30,000.00 ($10,000.00 for each child) which will according to him cover their school fees, sporting fees and child support until they are 18. 

Do you guys think there's a screw lose in that head of his. Hahaha, seriously..... does he think I am that stupid to agree and sign the dotted line to that proposal. Yea Right!!!! That alone won't even cover our youngest child's school fees until she graduates. 

I can't wait to see what the judge will say to that.

He actually called me today to discuss one of our kids soccer tournament's that is coming up. We were both really civil which is so weird. Hasn't been like that for over a year now. He mentioned the children's orders and his proposal but I said that I hadn't had the time to peruse. I really just didn't want to get into another rip roaring argument with him.

It was really strange the other day. I was with my new man and were discussing Shane and I's separation and I told him that I am really sad that this has happened. My new man knows that I didn't want my marriage to end and that I tried to forgive Shane for what he done but I just couldn't let it go which lead to him leaving and I blamed myself for that for so long. It still saddens me even though I know its over and I am really absolutely over the moon with my new man, that my marriage failed at almost 20 years. I had been with Shane for 21 years all up but married for 19. I suppose technically speaking I am still married until January 2013. Sad how marriages fail due to infidelity, I made my vows and him too and he is now out of my life and ready to give them to someone else. It blows me away.

I think Shane is being told to shut up and get this divorce and settlement over and done with as I think Megan (his fiance) wants to get married as soon as the divorce is finalized.

Well even though that sadness still sits in the back of my head. Megan can have him.

Shane has really ruined the whole marriage concept for me. I am so anti-marriage now and my new man see's it my way as well. Except scary enough he has already told me that he loves me. I have said it back but not 100% sure about. Its really weird telling him I love him which I do really really like him. He has helped me through so much of this mess. I guess its weird saying "I love you" to someone who is not your husband. Married for 19 years, being together all up 21 years. There was alot of "I love you's" in that period of time.

I want to thank you all for listening to me throughout the year. I know I have gone on about it for a bit but I looked back through this today and just realised the progress I have made. How much stronger I have become. I am not scared anymore, so much more confident with myself and not controlled by anyone.

Love you all.

Kyliexx


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Sorry I just looked at my documents and its the 24th of April 2013 for the divorce hearing, not January. Crap, crap, double crap.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Curious....why does the girl want to marry your soon-to-be ex?? She see's/hears all this bad stuff about him and yet wants to be married to him! Is it money or what?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kylie
You are not too blame for the demise of your marriage.

And even with Shawn's infidelity he has far more issues that would have prevented a solid Reconciliation .

Live in the present. Live for the future. Enjoy the new guy.

And I love you without having ever met you for your courage, honesty and love for your kids.

So go ahead and say it, just remember to feel it too.

Because you deserve it Kylie.

And your STBXH is a wacko!

He is best out of your life as much as possible.

$30,000.00 covers the food for only a few years.......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

18 ROTFLMAO! What about college? Can't believe he has so little regard for his kids.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Curious....why does the girl want to marry your soon-to-be ex?? She see's/hears all this bad stuff about him and yet wants to be married to him! Is it money or what?


I have seen them together and Megan is really nice. I think overall she just wants Shane to be her's and no one else's. I know I am so to be his ex-wife but we still have that contact as we have kids and because he constantly fights with me.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Kylie
> You are not too blame for the demise of your marriage.
> 
> Live in the present. Live for the future. Enjoy the new guy.
> ...


Thanks so much happyman64. I almost cried when you pointed out my courage, honesty and love for my kids. My kids are my life, they are what keep me going, make me tick. My new man knows that my kids come first before anything else.

I told my Mum that if my kids came to me and said that Mum just let everything go and let Dad take it all. I probably would do it for them but they understand why I am fighting tooth and nail for the house.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

chapparal said:


> 18 ROTFLMAO! What about college? Can't believe he has so little regard for his kids.


I think now in these circumstances our children will have to get a Hex Debt which is a student debt which is recovered after graduation after they find a job that is paying them $50000 a year. I think the government takes a little bit every week until its paid.

There is no way that I can afford to put my kids through college now. Thanks to Shane.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi All,

Just replied to a few of you since my last post. So good to hear from familiar names.

I proposed to Shane today another offer which I think is reasonable. I proposed at 60/40 split. Me being the 60 of course. Shane just doesn't get the fact that because he has the capacity to earn what he makes for another 20 to 25 years that he will retire quite wealthy where I won't. His superannuation by then will be quite a large amount of money noting that he earns $350K a year.

I have given him the options of accepting 4 days out of 14 with the kids again. I proposed what CSA advised and that was that the school fees are deducted from my child support meaning I receive less every week which is manageable because I receive a big amount anyway because he is on a high salary. I just want him to be left with the annual $37K bill for school fees and know I technically have already paid for them through a lesser child support.

(Note he replied with **** Off to the proposal for the kids again. Cant win)

I mentioned to him that I will drop the claims for a percentage out of our investment properties and only claim the matrimonial home meaning that he will if he agrees sign the house over to me after the divorce proceeding. If I get the house (which I am dreaming of getting - one can only hope) then I will put the house in my maiden name. Will really feel like it is mine then.

And many other things asset wise and superannuation so still didn't agree. I think I may have to bite the bullet and offer a lower split percentage, like maybe 55/45. I need to protect my kids future, that is all that is on my mind. At the end of the day the house is all that I can offer them when I die. It is worth according to a recent valuer $1.65mil so between the three of them they would have good lives in there later years.

I FREAKING HATE DIVORCE. ITS LIKE A SECOND JOB. PHEW!!!!!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So why wouldn't he be paying for their higher education.

Do you think negotiating down is better than going to court?


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

chapparal said:


> So why wouldn't he be paying for their higher education.
> 
> Do you think negotiating down is better than going to court?


He will be paying for their education it's just I am offering to pay a certain percentage of their education by receiving less child support, trying to butter up an offer to get him to agree.

If we can settle out of court we will save thousands upon thousands of dollars, court will be a really expensive exercise. I have already ran out of money now as mediation that got us nowhere was really expensive by having my lawyer present and mediator fees. My parents have had to pay my outstanding legal bill of $13500. It's still rising too. So far all up I have spent $43000 in legal fees. This is why I want to settle out of court.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi All,

Well we went to court yesterday for the kids. The judge really gave it to him and said pretty much what I have told him since he left, that he has an obligation to provide for his children and how dare he think otherwise.

My lawyer said that he will probably get 5 or 6 days out of 14 with the kids. He got 5 days of which I am fine with and I am more than willing to support him with that. We have one month to finalise children orders otherwise we end up in court so here is hoping that he pulls his head in and signs the supporting documents. 

Divorce hearing was brought to January. That's where I got confused a few posts up. Soooo excited that he won't be officially my husband anymore.

I am not looking forward to our settlement though as this is a very grey area at the moment. He is still fighting for the house of which I am not giving up on. This house is my kids past and their future so I refuse to let this go of which means I may have to lower my percentage offer for our overall assets and with holdings to get him to agree. Still pending that thought to see what he will do with multiple offers that I put forward first but I know him to well so my luck is slim. I was hoping for a 60/40 split, me obviously being 60% but I think I may have to come down to 55%. Just that 5% makes quite a difference.

I can't believe the person that Shane becomes when he doesn't get what he wants. I am so patient with him like if things such as uniforms aren't returned I am nice about approaching him to have them returned when kids are back in my care. I try my hardest to keep the peace and remain amicable with him but god damn he makes it hard sometimes. I really hate him and wish to have nothing to do with him but the kids keep him in the loop as he is their father therefore means he keeps interferring with my life.

Have a few bad days especially with the lead up to the kids hearing but also this is the anniversary that Shane left me of which I have noticed he has being hassling me a lot over the last few weeks. 

My eldest told me that things are rocky with his Dad and his now call Stepmum.....(I hate that term... Especially with my kids), the wedding is apparently off as according to Shane "it's a costly exercise" and it's all my fault causing tension between them. My son tells me everything but I never mention anything, kids hate going to their place cause its not home. They have told Shane that and I bet that hurt him....... Bloody hope it did the pig he is.

Roll on Christmas. I have the kids during the morning, he the afternoon and night. I am spending the afternoon and night with my new mans family. They are so lovely and very welcoming.

Also roll on January for final divorce orders to be placed in my hand....

Merry Christmas everyone and a Safe Happy New Year....

Kylie Xox


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Halien said:


> Kylie,
> 
> My mother often said that one of the worst parts of it was seeing how this man who she thought she knew so well began to be such an angry, vengeful person, even though he was the one who cheated and married again almost right away.


I find it interesting, over general chat at work and so forth. Men seem to need someone to latch on to and his fiance is it. Just like my new man he needs someone in his life. Quote me if I am wrong but its quite interesting but I think I am right. Even a guy at work admits he needs his wife and would be lost otherwise.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi All.

I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year. The Christmas morning was good with kids and we all opened presents and so forth, my man had his kids as well so we spent the day eating and drinking with just him and the kids at my place. Was lovely  

Shane was supposed to take the kids in the afternoon but he bailed as they had plans with her family apparently and he said the kids would be to much for him to handle. He didn't even call them which was really sad.

The day progressed though with my Mum, Dad, Sister, Sisters Hubby and their two kids, Brother, Brothers Wife and three kids, Mans Mum and Dad, Mans Three Brothers and their Wives and Mans Sister and between his Bros and Sis and my family we had 17 kids at my place on Christmas Day. Was bedlam. So much food was going on but what a great day.

All I can say is thank god I have this big house to accommodate them all - Lets hope I win it from my husband. 

The pool was a lifesaver that day. Hahahaha

New Years we had a Street Party at my place with a million kids again so that was nice. Finally all the kids went after New Years. My mans kids went to his ex-wifes place and mine went to Shane so my Man and I went to Fiji for two weeks. Was amazing.

So all in all it was fantastic. However the last few weeks have been a little stressful while I was on holida with the lead up to the divorce hearing which is on 23rd January 2013.

So looking forward to that being finalised. Shane said he will submit an offer for our overall financial settlement which he sees fit after the divorce hearing on Wednesday. So we will see what comes of that.

Can't believe I am soon to be Divorced. Never did I think that my life would turn out to be this way. He left me. So that is all there is to it. I have accepted that life goes on now and my kids seem to be happy again which I love.

They love being at home and call me the Cool Mum because I am not as strict as Dad. I just let the kids be kids.

A mutual friend of Shane's and mine said that Shane told him that he regrets having the affair but also admitted to our friend that the affair was not the first affair and that there were a few over the last 6 years. I don't get it! I thought our bedroom was still really active when we were together. This is the thing that confirmed as to why Shane has being so difficult. Shane said to the friend that if I said to Shane "Lets just put all this behind us and come home" that he wouldn't thing twice and regrets his mistakes.

I just laughed and said well there is no way that that man is coming back into this house after all that he has done no way. I hate the man.

Well off to jump in the pool now. Temp is over 30C today and I am not loving it. House is all open, trying to save money with not putting the air cond on. Hahaha.

Will post an update on Wednesday or soon after.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Poor Australia, Christmas in the summertime. LOL Good luck

Chap


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Guess what Guys....

I'm officially divorced from that a**hole. Yesterday was a tough day and man the looks that I got from my now ex-husband was priceless. I admit I was probably giving him some real horrible looks as well as that is probably the longest time we have spent with each other in the same room since we separated.

My man and Mum was with me. My Mum and Dad can't stand the look of him, they treated him like their own son and look what he did. Oh well it's all over now. I am a divorcee now and very happy with my man so that's the main thing. I am better without Shane.

However we have the final step now of finalising our financial settlement. We have until the 14th of March 2013 to both agree on a deal outside of court otherwise we will have to go back to court which will cost more money. Shane is putting together an offer at the moment and said that he will submit it to my lawyer tomorrow. Hope he has come to his senses and will offer me the house and some.

I want to express my deepest warm thank you's for the support I have received from this forum. Your thoughts and advice have been amazing.

Will keep you posted to see what the outcome is of our final step for the financial settlement.

Massive Hugs to you all.

Kylie xox


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi Guys,

Good news, we have finally settled our financial affairs. He gave up the house on the basis I drop the claim over the three rental properties. I agreed to that. I am receiving quite a significant amount of money from his superannuation fund. That is going into my super fund so I can't touch it until I am in my 60's. 

There are a few other things as well which have been quite good. Overall the split was (Me) 55/45 (Shane).

The issue I am having right now is that Shane thinks Child Support covers everything and that I should pay for all school uniforms even for when the kids are at his place. He doesn't understand that he has to pay for a portion of the uniforms. It doesn't just stop there though, the kids have sporting fees and one child has choir, music and art extra curricular this year so means more money. He again refuses to pay for the extra things.

I have paid for everything so far. I am now having my lawyer send him and his lawyer a letter pointing out that he is in breach of the orders, both financial and children.

I got this really abusive email from him the other day because I refused to take the kids on his weekend because he wanted to go away for the weekend and for the fact that I don't send over a clean uniform of which he is suppose to provide in accordance to the orders. He wants to take me back to court because he is not happy with the arrangements that he agreed to. So I replied and sent the following:-

Shane,

With all due respect I think you are missing the part that we are divorced now. Our lives are separate and you need to organise the kids as you see fit just like I do. I'm not trying to be difficult but I have explained my reasons very clearly and I believe they are justified. Despite what you think, I am not doing it just to be "obstructive". Your threatening email brings back many fond memories and confirms every gut instinct I have to protect myself from the person you become when you don't get what you want. I'm sorry you don't like it. 

You have completely dismissed how you backed out of paying half the legal fees as promised and have brought up irrelevant points in your email. 

It does take two Shane to work together and you haven't been the only one doing it. I have made every effort possible to work with you. I've helped you out with the kids in the past. I've been polite with you. Supported you in front of the kids. Patient when items aren't returned. I've limited my contact with you to kid related issues as I was strictly told to do. I'm doing everything possible to remain amicable with you and to ensure our kids feel comfortable that there is no more animosity between you and I. You are turning this ugly again by threatening me because you are not getting what you want. 

Do what you need to do Shane but if I were you, I'd think about it very carefully first. It would be a shame to undo all the hard work we have achieved for the benefit of our kids lately because it will sadly and without a doubt have an impact on our relationship if you do. 

Regards,
Kylie

Well it continues. It tires the hell out of me. 

I hope that he gets over himself and realises that he will get himself in a lot of trouble if he doesn't start complying with the orders 

Thats it for now guys. Hope its all over soon.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Hi Kylie
I have been following your thread and normally wouldn't post if I don't have advice to offer, but wanted to say I really admire your strength. Its unfortunate someone's anger is so diverse they would have the actions of a crazy person- like Shane. 
You are far better off now, and I really hope this awful back-and-forward from your ex stops so you and your kids can really start to move forward. Best of luck to you!


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, do you have access to any accounts. If so, use them. You do need a lawyer who is reasonable. Limit your time and calls to the lawyer so that what is done counts. Ask for estimates on work, and consider confirming them. 

You probably need to file an initial motion for support and possibly alimony. Do you have tax returns and proof of income; do you know where the various assets are located. be aggresive but don't get enmeshed in small stuff. 

As difficult as it is, try not to get the children involved. They are probably having a tough enough time as it is. 

Most places are no-fault to prevent divorces from becoming even more nasty. The questions are support, alimiony and distribution of assets.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> First, do you have access to any accounts. If so, use them. You do need a lawyer who is reasonable. Limit your time and calls to the lawyer so that what is done counts. Ask for estimates on work, and consider confirming them.
> 
> You probably need to file an initial motion for support and possibly alimony. Do you have tax returns and proof of income; do you know where the various assets are located. be aggresive but don't get enmeshed in small stuff.
> 
> ...


Hi Bobby,

Sorry it has taken some time for me to reply. If you have been following my thread over the time you can probably see that I have gone past the worst of the situation.

Keeping kids in the dark is just not possible with my ex-husband. He tried on a number of occasions to jeopardise my relationship with my children and to this day still does try. (When he doesn't get what he wants)

I appreciate your thoughts and they are most welcome to me absolutely.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi Everyone,

A few months have past since my last update. As you all know my ex-husband is a complete loony. You know what, after what I have been through with Shane, I really like saying "ex-husband". All of my friends and neighbours think I am a much happier person without him in my life and they all love my new man. He has slipped right into my social world.

I had a little step back two weeks ago. Shane got married and sent photos to the kids. Get this he only sent a picture of the bride. He knew the kids would show me hence only sending a picture of her. I was quite upset about him getting married. I have no idea why, I hate his guts but it really affected me. I am so in love with my new man but seeing the Ex getting married was a shock to the system.

He got married in Bali with a few friends apparently.

Shane is still giving me a hard time now and again. When he wants something, he really sucks up and then down the track he will remind me that he helped me out and that I should do him a favour as well. I have helped him out a few times lately and when it comes to me asking for a favour he fobs me off so no more favours. Since then all has been hell.

I asked him to take one of the boys to soccer recently just as a one off and he just completely refused. His reason was that I have a lot of favours to make up to him and not the other way around because I made him spend so much money on the divorce. So I took my son to soccer and just out of spite, guess who was there just to support from the side line.

You guessed it right, it was Shane. My Son was really angry on the way home because he could tell what his father was doing. My Son was going off in the car. I secretly thought it was great because all of my kids can tell what he is up to. The kids aren't stupid. They know his tactics.

Other than that, everything has been going really well with myself. My man and I took his kids and my kids away for the Easter break, we went to a resort apartment so was nice chilling on the balcony with wine and nibbles. We could see the beach from our apartment and the kids are old enough to do their thing so they all just chilled on the beach or in the pool and did their own thing.

Was bliss.

I have no kids for a week now which is great. A break from them all.

Love to you all.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Good news, thanks for the update. Keep it up, it shows others there is life after dumping a fool.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

If all you are saying is true this man makes me ashamed to be a man


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

just got it 55 said:


> If all you are saying is true this man makes me ashamed to be a man


Hi Just got It 55,

Please do not be ashamed of being a man, be ashamed if you are like my ex husband but hopefully you are not.

Really at the end of the day, if you have love for your kids and don't use them to be nasty then I am sure you are fine. My ex husband continues to use the kids to get back at me and cause grief from time to time when the kids are back home with me.

I wish I could say to you that that I am delusional and am making this all up but believe you me. It has felt like a life time career this divorce. It was just absolute hell.

This man threatened to kill me, not just once but a number of times and also put this in writing to me as well so I have it all documented if I need to use it one day. Why I didn't do anything about it when it happened is probably silly but things are better now, he has moved on and remarried and I have no thoughts about ever getting married again. Thank god my man is the same because he was in a long term marriage as well. 

Now and again the ex husband will be horrible or just plain nasty but that only happens when he doesn't get what he wants.

I really feel for the kids because he uses them a lot to get back at me. In the end I don't get affected by his actions and instead the kids suffer as they get hurt from the emotional stupidity he puts on them. 

I am happy and I refuse to let him ruin that. I think personally that he only got married to get back at me. I admit as noted in previous posts that it did affect me a little bit but at the end of the day. She can have him!!! I don't want him back at all, makes me want to vomit even thinking about being with him.

You know what, I really am proud of myself because I am so much more confident now. I never realised how much my husband was so controlling. Now if I don't like what someone is doing, I will tell them that I don't like it. 

Or if I am out with girl friends or just friends in general. I don't worry about how much I have to drink and how loud I laugh because I have someone watching my every move making sure that I behave like the good house wife.

Freedom is just amazing. I can tell you how grateful I am for that.

At the end of the day. Sounds horrible but...... The divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

kylies72 said:


> I wish I could say to you that that I am delusional and am making this all up but believe you me. It has felt like a life time career this divorce. It was just absolute hell.
> 
> I am happy and I refuse to let him ruin that. I think personally that he only got married to get back at me. I admit as noted in previous posts that it did affect me a little bit but at the end of the day. She can have him!!! I don't want him back at all, makes me want to vomit even thinking about being with him.
> 
> ...


I do wish you the best, but I feel the story may never end for you... Not truly. You see that you two both found new partners, but never spoke about you feelings in a way that both could ever listen to each other. Maybe you never truly had a good marriage to begin with in the first place. But I feel this behavior on both your parts as parent is disappointing to me. 

I am not trying to _"take-away your thunder"_!?!? What I mean to say is that the marriage problems seemed to only escalate. There will now always be lines for your kids. They are a part of him and you. You have to find a way to be parents even if you can not get along as a married couple anymore. 

I guess I think that you need to take the high road here as he will likely never take it. You need to be a better mom. It sounds like when the kids bash their dad you do not stop them. You need to defend him, and also ask that he respect you as their mother also. Your kids will be the true victims here. I hope you can prevent this. Good Luck.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

kylies72 said:


> My Son was really angry on the way home because he could tell what his father was doing. My Son was going off in the carThe kids aren't stupid. They know his tactics.


The only reason the kids "know what he's doing" is because you TELL them. Otherwise they'd see dad on the sidelines and think "that's great dad is here to cheer us on".



kylies72 said:


> I secretly thought it was great because all of my kids can tell what he is up to.


It's no secret. The kids know how you feel. It's OBVIOUS.

Parental alienation and continued disparagement of their father causes emotional damage to your children and dysfunction that can span multiple generations.

I get that he cheated on you. He was a lousy husband. That doesn't make him a bad father.


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## luv2luv (Mar 28, 2013)

northland said:


> The only reason the kids "know what he's doing" is because you TELL them. Otherwise they'd see dad on the sidelines and think "that's great dad is here to cheer us on".
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He is in fact a terrible father. The problem is not that he cheated on their mother, it's not even that he beat their mother or threatened to kill her repeatedly. The problem is that he fought tooth and nail to not pay fair child support. He earns 350k a year but his kids should live on 30k from their father because that'd reasonable. He is a terrible father because he didn't see them on Christmas because his child bride wanted to be with her parents. He is a terrible father not because of their mother but because he is a giant d*ck bag. 

Please do not project anything onto this situation other than what it is.

Kylie I have been following your thread and your courage truly amazes me. Good for you for standing up for yourself and fighting for your kids.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Take the money he gave you and hire an attorney.
Tell your kids the truth of what has happened.

Take him for whatever you can..no regrets.


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## realist (May 5, 2013)

luv2luv said:


> He is in fact a terrible father. The problem is not that he cheated on their mother, it's not even that he beat their mother or threatened to kill her repeatedly. The problem is that he fought tooth and nail to not pay fair child support. He earns 350k a year but his kids should live on 30k from their father because that'd reasonable. He is a terrible father because he didn't see them on Christmas because his child bride wanted to be with her parents. He is a terrible father not because of their mother but because he is a giant d*ck bag.
> 
> Please do not project anything onto this situation other than what it is.
> 
> Kylie I have been following your thread and your courage truly amazes me. Good for you for standing up for yourself and fighting for your kids.


Oh come on..we have only got to hear one side of the story.
She was married to this evil,lousy,abusive husband for 19 years?
What made her stay this long?the money?cause she kept bringing up the fact he makes 350k a year throughout the thread.

I wonder if she'd file D if the guy had an airtight prenup[do they even have those in Australia?]
Husband earning 350k and wife only 45k a year?He was basically providing for the family during the entire marriage.I dont see a single mention of "how good of a provider he was"
The guy gave her 100k to buy a car and hire a lawyer for Pete's sake..but somehow he is not spending enough on his own kids?
She hardly refers to their children as "our kids"...its "my kids" every single time.
"I want the house so i can pass it down to my kids" 

I hate cheaters and abusive spouses as much as the next person but a lot of details in this thread dont add up.

Here i was thinking our American women are the worst when it comes to entitlement issues..but i just learned something new today.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

dsGrazzl3D said:


> Maybe you never truly had a good marriage to begin with in the first place. But I feel this behavior on both your parts as parent is disappointing to me.
> 
> I guess I think that you need to take the high road here as he will likely never take it. You need to be a better mom. It sounds like when the kids bash their dad you do not stop them. You need to defend him, and also ask that he respect you as their mother also. Your kids will be the true victims here. I hope you can prevent this. Good Luck.


Hi,

Well I can definitely agree that our marriage was not the perfect marriage. But it was a happy marriage for years. I loved my husband, I still loved him when I found out about his affairs. If I didn't love him I would not have let him come back home.

I defend Shane all the time, sometimes I don't because there is no point in trying to tell the kids otherwise that he is doing the right thing. The kids are old enough to understand that Shane is being unreasonable.

I appreciate that you have mentioned that the kids are the true victims. Absolutely they are but I can not defend them when they are with Shane nor myself as well. The kids have come home telling me what he has said.

Sure I admit that at times during our divorce that I have mouthed off in front of the kids about Shane but it really is hard not to when you are dealing with an idiot who wants everything his way.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

"Sure I admit that at times during our divorce that I have mouthed off in front of the kids about Shane but it really is hard not to when you are dealing with an idiot who wants everything his way."

It should not be your role to criticize him in front of your children. 

I recently talked with a son/family member whose parents had gotten divorced. I was amazed how much he knew and understood, certainly a lot more than both the parents. Kids figure it out. I would take the high road and not discuss issues with the father in front of the children. 

No one should suggest that you have to defend your husband or say false nice things about him. Honey I don't want to say anything bad about your daddy, and you can speak with him, it one response.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

northland said:


> The only reason the kids "know what he's doing" is because you TELL them. Otherwise they'd see dad on the sidelines and think "that's great dad is here to cheer us on".
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Can I say that he has had nothing to do with the kids, from when they were born. His focus and goal in life was to make a lot of money so that he can have an image that he is comfortable with.

I don't sit here everyday guys telling my kids how bad of a father he is to them. No way would I ever say that, as I said above, sure I have said things in front of them before but its not an everyday thing. I am happy where I am in my life now and he has moved on. So be it he got married again, I really don't care now.

If you guys knew what Shane was like you would understand. His general personality was always rather strange but money hungry. Very very money hungry.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

luv2luv said:


> He is in fact a terrible father. The problem is not that he cheated on their mother, it's not even that he beat their mother or threatened to kill her repeatedly. The problem is that he fought tooth and nail to not pay fair child support. He earns 350k a year but his kids should live on 30k from their father because that'd reasonable. He is a terrible father because he didn't see them on Christmas because his child bride wanted to be with her parents. He is a terrible father not because of their mother but because he is a giant d*ck bag.
> 
> Please do not project anything onto this situation other than what it is.
> 
> Kylie I have been following your thread and your courage truly amazes me. Good for you for standing up for yourself and fighting for your kids.


Thank you so much for your support. I am having trouble at the moment from other people as you can see.

People think I am the biggest horrible person towards my ex-husband in front of the kids. It really is not the case, I mention certain times of when situations have occurred and people seem to think this is happening all the time.

I really is not happening all the time people. I am a good person and defend and support Shane quite a lot in front of my children because at the end of the day he is their father.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Take the money he gave you and hire an attorney.
> Tell your kids the truth of what has happened.
> 
> Take him for whatever you can..no regrets.


Hi Tacoma,

My divorce has been finalised now. Its just the stupid little teething issues of a separation that we are going through now.

Thanks anyway


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

realist said:


> Oh come on..we have only got to hear one side of the story.
> She was married to this evil,lousy,abusive husband for 19 years?
> What made her stay this long?the money?cause she kept bringing up the fact he makes 350k a year throughout the thread.
> 
> ...


Hi Realist,

Wow it really seems as though you are disgruntled with my thread. I am very sorry to hear that but I have to say, I am that when the kids are in my presence and in my house then they are "my kids". Guess what..... They just are "My Kids". Not yours, not your neighbours. Just simply "my kids" as you so respectably put it and when just like they are his kids.

Of course Shane was a good provider for our home. He supported the family and I am thankful for that. But you know what, I never had the opportunity to grow my career. It was more economical for us when I had kids that I stayed home. Can you imagine the cost for 3 kids in day or after school care. Would not be worth working in my own opinion because all our income would go to childcare.

Shane did not just walk into a $350K a year job. He worked to get where he is now, when I met him he was earning $65K a year. 

Yes he gave me $100K so I could buy a car and hire a lawyer but at the end day I worked for that money too. Bringing up three kids for over ten years and being a good wife. I was a good wife and he took that away from me. Not me from him, because he was the one that had the affairs and hit me.

The fact that he had the affair/s, yes there could have been room to repair the marriage but he hit me. Not once, but twice. When you have been with someone for over 20 years and then out of the blue hit you. It changes everything. The trust was already broken when I found out about the affair but the trust ran so far out the front door when those two punches made contact with my face.

You tell me that you would hang around money or no money with especially physical abuse. Please find some morals buddy because clearly in accordance with your last quote you have not respect for women. 

At the end of the day I am sorry that you somehow think I am this money hungry grobbling ex wife. It really is not the case, maybe you should pop over to Australia and we can sit down and have a good chat. You would probably realise how genuine I am after I bring out the binding folders of all the evidence I hold from his abuse during the divorce proceedings.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi Everyone.

Hope all are well. Life is going really well at the moment. Shane and I remain amicable and he has realised that the more he pushes the more tension he builds between him and I and finally he mentioned to my son recently that it is time that we give each other our own space to prevent the tension that automatically builds when we are in close proximity of each other. This is best for the kids!!!

I am really happy, happy with my house and my man, his kids annoy me a bit though but have been talking to other people that have divorced or separated with kids and in relationships where the spouse have kids as well and it seems to be quite a challenge to all in this situation. I find it interesting that so many experience the same thing but I am up for the challenge. Being in a 19 year marriage filled with dominance from my ex husband of which I conquered and divorced him right out that front door, I am fair right up there for the challenge in making it work for me and my man and for our kids to be comfortable.

I have not been on here for so long and it probably is good thing because it means I am moving on and really getting in there and rebuilding my life after the marriage breakdown.

Recently was going through the jewellery box and came across my wedding, engagement and eternity ring, I sat there and thought I should just sell these as they mean nothing to me anymore. But have decided that I am going to keep them for my daughter and perhaps we will melt them down and use the diamonds to make something like a necklace for her, perhaps something for when she might get married one day.

So all in all, I am just happy as larry as some would say. I have the house the way I want it and have done some small redecorating in the house and I am just happy. I love that word happy 

Anyway, for those of you still going through hard times in your marriage, for one I hope you can survive it and work through your issues or two, start your life of happiness today, as sad is it may be in regards to ending a marriage, my marriage breakdown and divorce was the start of my new life and I couldn't be anymore thankful to that.

Happiness is the key to success. To be the better person, I wish my ex husband all the best in his new marriage and I hope that he has happiness too. Marriage is his thing, I don't think I will ever be taking that road again and I am happy that my man thinks the same. We are happy as we are and why should we change that. Well I can tell you all that we won't be.

God Bless to you all, I probably won't be back on here for a quite some time again.

Ky xoxox


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

kylies72 said:


> I have no idea what to say or how introduce myself but here goes. My name as you probably have figured in reference to my username is Kylie. I have been happily married for 19 years until 6 months ago when I found out that my husband had being having an affair. I have three kids, two boys 15 & 13 and one girl 12. My husband told me 6 months ago that he was having an affair for 3 months and ended it because of the guilt. This put so much turmoil in our marriage, our lives and our kids lives for that fact as they now suffer because of his childish actions. After lots of thought I let him come back to the matrimonial home about 6 weeks after finding out and after him promising that he would get some help as he claimed to be going through a mid life crisis. A month down the track, massive arguments kept on happening and one night after a couple bottles of wine we had a huge argument and he punched me twice in the face for the first time in 19 years followed by alot of shaking and screaming at me, this scared me so much I actually wet myself because never had my husband being so aggressive towards me, my children or anyone else for that matter. He has left and I filed for divorce soon after, he gave me $100K so I could buy a car, hire a Lawyer and survive until I found a job. My kids came home two weeks ago after spending the weekend with their Dad and told me he is engaged. I am so angry. He wont settle on any offers that I make. He earns $350K a year and is fighting over every little thing and already this has cost me $17,536.98. I now earn $45K a year but wants me to give up the house and sell it because he cant stand the thought of me being in the matrimonial home. The kids are getting told so many lies from him and I am copping so much crap from the kids. I just need some support and guidance as to the steps of getting over the anger of him cheating and being engaged already and support through the what seems is going to be a lengthy divorce. Any pointers would be great and for those who would like to know, Australia is a no fault law in relation to family law when it comes to infidelity.


Did you file assault charges when he hit you?.....

You seem to be on the right track. I will add that your kids are old enough to figure out that he is the fly in the ointment...

They will figure out that someone doesn't meet someone and get engaged in a couple of days....

He has been cheating....

That will put you on the moral high ground as far as the kids are concerned...

Keep your mind focused on your goals and don't let emotion cloud your judgment..

the woodchuck


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Did you file assault charges when he hit you?.....
> 
> You seem to be on the right track. I will add that your kids are old enough to figure out that he is the fly in the ointment...
> 
> ...


Thanks Woodchuck.

Silly as I am and now look back, I should have laid charges but didn't when he hit me that night.

However we are now divorced, everything has gone through, house is in my name only now and we both are moving on with our lives. It has been very calm lately so here is hoping that it stays that way.

Thanks for your words though.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Well it appears I spoke to soon. My ex husband keeps refusing to contribute to the kids uniforms etc. He thinks that the child support should cover it all. He doesn't get that in the children orders, it clearly stipulates that both parents are to equally provide for costings uniforms etc and extra curricular things like sport etc.

He is threatening to take me back to court of which I said to him to do his worst and that he is the one that will look like an idiot because he is not sticking to the orders. I have in the meantime just paid for things that the kids need 100% despite the fact that he should be putting in his 50%. It is so wrong but I refuse for my kids to miss out. His arguement is because I have been promoted with this new company I am working for, that I should pay more for kids expenses or that he should pay less child support however I still am just slightly under $100K a year despite his exorbitant $350K a year.

I have checked with child services and they said that they won't review the child support until we both submit this years tax returns with the end of the financial year is 30 June anyway yet he apparently still wants to take me back to court. Apparently he saw his lawyer this afternoon however he probably is doing what he usually does and is trying to call my bluff.

It just frustrates me so much that we are back to this stupid fighting. I thought that we had worked through all of this and actually achieved a success by settling on everything. It also frustrates me that if he does actually want to take me back to court that I have to spend a crap load on legal frees again. I have only just managed to pay my parents off for the left over legal fees that they paid and managed to save a little nest egg for myself but here we go again.

I think he forgets that we are divorced sometimes...... Seriously is frustrating.

So anyway just thought I would update you all that it all hasn't been happy days since my last post last year but never mind. I will keep strong and once again keep fighting.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Good luck. I'm wondering though about how much you will have to spend vs. how much you can recover. I understand fighting on principle though.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Best thing you can do is plan to live WITHOUT his money and any money he does give, goes into a savings account for the kids. That way, he has no ability to add stress to your life.


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