# My Husband lied to me - I'm devastated



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

I trust my Husband in terms of women, affairs etc, I really trust him(blindly). 

Now he so badly wants to apply to one international program for gradaute studies. I told him to wait for a year and then apply. Because I am doing my M.A, and once I finish I can also move with him and live there till he completes his study. 
After thinking that I can trust him, he has gone and applied to the program and I see it today because it is there on the credit card bill(the USPS amount). I cannot even confront him because i spied on him. I know spying is bad, but I got an intuition that said " hey, why is ur husband silent about the program. what's going on there" . So I open his credit card account and there I see the amount.

What do I do? I feel so bad. I know he desperately wants to get to this program but why can he not wait? I am so devastated. I'm crying since morning and I've not been able to console myself. 
How can I confront him? I don't know. But , I want to talk to him about this.
oh my gosh, I love him so much . I cannot take this.


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## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't see the lie. You "told" him to wait, and he apparently didn't. Did he promise not to even apply?

Sometimes it pays to apply to a program. If they accept you, you can then negotiate a deferred enrollment, giving you an extra year to plan ahead.

Or he might just not have been able to resist finding out whether they would accept him. After all, an application isn't a commitment to attend.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I don't see the problem with just asking him about it. Are you not suppose to open the credit card statement? Why don't you just ask him has he thought more about the program and if he wants to do it? 

Anyway asking him is a lot better than worrying about it and getting yourself worked up about. It could be nothing and a simple explanation. If you ask him about it and he doesn't say he applied then you know you have a problem. But you won't know if you don't ask.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I don't think there is anything at all bad or SPYING about looking at his credit statement- you are married! In my world, that would be a given. I think the issue here is, you & he are not solving issues together, this is a biggie, I agree -he went ahead and did something he knows will hurt you. That is where the pain is. 

Not sure it is lying as much as just being INCONSIDERATE and obviously hiding it -until he figures out how to break the news to you. He has probably been putting it off. UNless he promised you he would NOT go -then yes, lying. 

Maybe he feels he is head of the household and he gets the final say so in these difficult decisions. Some men feel that way. Has he been this way before over other disagreements, going before you, feeling he had a right. 

I realize this is a huge one though!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My first take on this is that one spouse is a bit controlling (I "told" him to do something - selfish demand), and the other is acting out in a passive aggressive way (sending the application but not communicating - independent behavior).

Probably a good time for both to nip these things in the bud before they damage the relationship further.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> I trust my Husband in terms of women, affairs etc, I really trust him(blindly).
> 
> Now he so badly wants to apply to one international program for gradaute studies. I told him to wait for a year and then apply. Because I am doing my M.A, and once I finish I can also move with him and live there till he completes his study.
> After thinking that I can trust him, he has gone and applied to the program and I see it today because it is there on the credit card bill(the USPS amount). I cannot even confront him because i spied on him. I know spying is bad, but I got an intuition that said " hey, why is ur husband silent about the program. what's going on there" . So I open his credit card account and there I see the amount.
> ...


You might have to consider that your paths may not be "in sync" with each other and he believes this is more important than the marriage or her approval especially if its a crappy marriage. 

For example, I remember hearing a story once where this guy got a once in a lifetime job offer in another state and he told his wife. She immediately refused even discuss him leaving so he looked at her and said "I can find a wife over there so you make a choice." She moved with him. 

Life is about choices. You can deal with it or move on.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Thank You all! Really, I'm feeling better. But not yet attached the issue.

Kevan,
You have put is so well. Appreciate ur thought process here. I think that could be something on his mind too and I never thought about it. Yes, he promised not to apply. Well, if the school agrees for deferring then I have no issues at all! I"ll gladly move with him in 2013. I agree and application isn't a commitment - but if he is acccepted imagine the emotional situation we will go through. so my argument is why allow ourselves to go through such a situation when it can be avoided for a few more months?

SadieBrown,
Yes, he does not know I 'spy' on this. Well, I feel I have a reason to spy because he has done 'trasactions' before without wanting to tell me. So I take his password and check it once a week or so. If he says he has not applied then I know it is a lie. I"ll feel eve more bad ut that should not stop me from asking. I will ask. Waiting for him to get hom, have dinner and settle down.

Simplyamorous,
Serisouly, that is the pain - him doing something that HE KNOWS hurts me. We have spoken about it a zillion times and I've told him ' honey,hang on. We will make ur dream happen. Uptil then, concentrate on ur current job". I think, you are right, he is being inconsiderate. His argument(knowing him) would be "I've not been accepted yet, so why worry". But, I feel that is a different issue and betraying my trust and doing something is another. No, he generally consults me and has rarely made me feel like he is the boss. On most big things, he talks with me.

Acorn,
Well,I might sound controlling but there's a huge story behind why I told him not to do it(I"ll pen it down in some time). Now the questions is how to nip this in the bud? I am ready to talk to him and I'm even waiting for it but I don't know how he will react or if he will even accept what he did.

Sanity,
our paths are definitely not 'in sync' lol. I realize that. But, hey, no marriage is perfect isn't it? We all need to work. about hte example you quote, I would not want to make a choice like that(in an ideal situation) but I believe life throws a lot of non-ideal situations at us. So I've got to suck it up and handle this one. Living separately till we complete our respective programs is a choice but not a good one. One reason is money , second is living apart in a marriage makes no sense to me.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I agree with everyone here and would just ask him about it. It is on the statement, it doesn't really have that feel of privacy invasion to me, and it sounds like you need answers to move on from it.

Who knows? Maybe he applied now for next year. My grandmother used to send me my Christmas presents in March. Stranger things have happened.  You won't know unless you ask.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I tend to agree with what a few people have said, in that he probably was kind of "acting out" a little bit to push back against your "orders" to wait. 

But I would bet he's just looking to see if he can actually get in the program, rather than planning some big move behind your back.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Acorn, Yes he has applied for next year which means 2012 August. Obviously, I'm not ready to move until then.

Soccerfan, I don't understand why does he have to look at that as an 'order', as a wife can I not expect even that support? But I'm thrilled to know that there could be a possibility that he wants to see if he can actually get into the program.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

ok, I just confronted him and he acted so bad when I asked him. I said it very causally with a little humor too. And he went mad. now he is doing the typical old marriage game of 'silent treatment'. He does not want to talk. I said " Fine, we can move wherever you want once I complete my program but can you not happily accept the fact and live with me until then so that we have fond memories of this one year?" To that he says " Don't force me to be happy". 
Oh,well. I don't know what he did that for and I think I never will because he is acting so cheap when I bring it up. He is getting defensive whenever I ask him by saying "since you don't want to moven ow, I thought I"ll not tell you". This does not seem as a 'good' reason to me. Come on, don't I have this right as a spouse?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I find it interesting that you insist he not apply for that program because you are working on your masters.

Have you considered taking a year off from your program so he can start his?

I'll bet not!

Sometimes an opportunity doesn't knock twice If he can get in now, he ought to take it.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Michzz, good point. I've looked at that option too. But, from what I know of my husabnd he will make me 'suck it up' again as he has been doing. I might never come back to do that program and also he might ' just decide' to settle in this new country where he plans to move. I repeat myself again, I don't have any problems moving but why can he not just wait so that I finish something I'm already pursuing(and after discussing it with him unlike what he does)?

I seriosuly don't know who is 'wrong' or 'right' here. I even suggested going to a therapist but he refuses to come. I went for 2 sessions and the therapist says " we cannot do much without ur partner but we will work on ur communication skills so that you can 'ask' him in a way he understands". I have my next session next week.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

luvmydarling said:


> Michzz, good point. I've looked at that option too. But, from what I know of my husabnd he will make me 'suck it up' again as he has been doing. I might never come back to do that program and also he might ' just decide' to settle in this new country where he plans to move. I repeat myself again, I don't have any problems moving but why can he not just wait so that I finish something I'm already pursuing(and after discussing it with him unlike what he does)?
> 
> I seriosuly don't know who is 'wrong' or 'right' here. I even suggested going to a therapist but he refuses to come. I went for 2 sessions and the therapist says " we cannot do much without ur partner but we will work on ur communication skills so that you can 'ask' him in a way he understands". I have my next session next week.


Your H can't make you do anything. If you're smart enough to be working on a masters degree, you already know this.

Make a deal with him, even a signed paper if you wish, stating that he goes on that program and after a year you finish yours back where you are now--and he joins you.

Or

You wish him well and part ways.

Or

He doesn't go and risks not getting in later and blames you for it and you part ways.

Or

....

Life's about choices. Rarely perfect ones.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

michzz said:


> Your H can't make you do anything. If you're smart enough to be working on a masters degree, you already know this.


I only hope this would be possible. I'm smart or not smart is one thing and he making me do some things is another. It's like either his way or he behaves so bad that I break down and then he accuses me of not supporting him, giving him hell ......
I see this situation like a 5 year old kid craving for candy, the kid will not understand despite explaining the issue:scratchhead:. 
He, himself, does not know what he wants and then he 'springs it upon' me. I've put up with these kind of demands for a long time now and I seriously don't have the energy to sacrifice again. Sigh, I'm tiredo f having to deal with uncertainty in my marriage. However, I think I do still love him, so separation is not yet an option unless he wants it.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> I only hope this would be possible. I'm smart or not smart is one thing and he making me do some things is another. It's like either his way or he behaves so bad that I break down and then he accuses me of not supporting him, giving him hell ......
> I see this situation like a 5 year old kid craving for candy, the kid will not understand despite explaining the issue:scratchhead:.
> He, himself, does not know what he wants and then he 'springs it upon' me. I've put up with these kind of demands for a long time now and I seriously don't have the energy to sacrifice again. Sigh, I'm tiredo f having to deal with uncertainty in my marriage. However, I think I do still love him, so separation is not yet an option unless he wants it.


So you are saying this is not a first time ore time incident? If this is a pattern then that may change things. What sacrifices have you had to make?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

SadieBrown said:


> So you are saying this is not a first time ore time incident? If this is a pattern then that may change things. What sacrifices have you had to make?


I would be interested in hearing the pattern as well.

Right now you are living your dream and asking him to wait on his - clearly he is making the sacrifice at the moment.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's wrong is your method of communication. Spend some time reading books or going to a therapist (by yourself if necessary) to learn how to communicate without making the other person feel attacked. He doesn't tell you things because he expects to be told he's wrong, bad, selfish, all the other things it sounds like you've said to him. Why would he tell you, if he knows you'll react that way?


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

SadieBrown, Yes looks like there is a pattern.
Acorn, Yeah, oviously looks like I'm living my dream which I am ut at the cost of having to hear so much from my husband/. I'm scared the love will just go out of the window.

About the past,
We were dating and we met in a different country. Now we are in the United States. At that time, Husband's supervisor wanted him to travel to US for a few months because of a business related task. So he did. then it so happened that the supervisors here liked his work and said they r happy to have him here and that he need not move out(immediately). so he stays. Then we get married and he said I could come and join him. I was in a good job, but still he wanted me to quit and come and I thought "ok, that's fine. I'm more concenred about living separately. So my job is something that I can continue after a few months and atleast I get to live with him."
Obviously, we are not citizens here and, as we all know, processing immigration documents takes time. We were told it would take a year for our permanent resident card to come through, which it did not. I started feeling lonely at home. I asked him if we could start planning/thinking about kids. He says "NO". ok, I took up some volunteer activities. I stopped this volunteer activiity because I felt I should do it only if I really believe in it. Again, delay in immigration. So I told husabnd, " hey look, looks like I will have to wait a lot for my work permit, so why not me start school?" . So he says ok,great. I start studying for various tests like GRE etc and get myself admitted in my local university. I finished one semester and suddenly it pops in to his head that "hey, i want to apply to this program in X country". I say applying is ok but we cannot move now. So he applies assuming he will not get through and you know what happened? He got accepted. This incident happened 3 months ago. Then, I told him obviously we cannot move . He sulks, makes me feel like the demon in his life, curses me and finally gives up. Now, at that point ,we both spoke and decided that it is best he applies in 2012, so that classes will start in 2013 and I can move with him. Either I can find a job there or just live with him(if finances permit).

and in between all this, I get to know that he has applied for 2012 class. So what should I make out of all this? I am so pissed and sad too at the same time. If I can give up the comfport of living around m family,friends and having a job that I like, why can he not wait for 1 year?


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

turnera, you are right. there is a problem in the way I communicate it. But what happens is he behaves so defensive sometimes and my blood boils and I just cannot control what I say. I dont know how to do this. I'm working with a therapist now but not sure how much it will help me.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My take on this after seeing the history is that you are both suffering a bit from not being together and there is little to no enthusiastic agreement between the two of you as to what the future of your marriage could be.

I can tell from your tone that you feel the love slipping and are trying to do something about it. I get the feeling your husband's actions are showing you that his love and commitment are slipping too.

If you can pull it off, I'd say sit down with open minds and ask yourself - do we want to be married, knowing how hard it is not being together? Assuming the answer is yes, take EVERYTHING off the table - school, jobs, locations, etc. - and decide TOGETHER what is appropriate for the both of you. You are not going to want to leave your school half finished, and he is likely not going to want to give up his dreams either. Worse, you are both probably used to thinking independently (perhaps due to the long distance nature), which is just going to get worse as time goes on, so this conversation needs to happen sooner rather than later.

At least one of you is going to have to give in here, at least a little bit, and if it can't be done without resentment, the problem is not going to go away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get this book and read it asap: His Needs Her Needs. It is a path to shoring up your relationship so that he WANTS to make you happy. Right now, you are each in your self-protect mode and he will continue to make selfish choices until he sees a payoff for giving in to you. The book will help you see how to change things. 

The first thing you can do is make sure you're spending 15 hours a week together doing non-school/housework/work-related things. In other words, court each other. You have to keep your love alive to be willing to sacrifice for each other.

Get the book.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Acorn,

Yes, looks like the 8 month separation that we had got us used to taking decision wothout having the need to consult the other. Do you think this feeling will go away with time? I hope so though.

Again you are right - I feel like his love is slipping away(not commitment). Well, my solution to this whole thing was why not wait till I finish. But looks like he wants it NOW. I don't think I will be able to do it without resentment, don't know about what he will feel though.


turnera, 
As I'm writing this post, I look up my local library catalog and it seems the library has this book. I've placed a request and I expect it to come tommorow. Do you think my husband should read it too? I don't know if he will agree to read but may be if it is good for us I"ll try telling him to do it. 
I don't know how to spend a few hours every week doing some thing else. We go to the movies sometimes. But I find it hard to come up with activities. For example, it is summer now and I love going to the park but my hsuand does not. If I say let's go so some shopping ,again he is not ready. I offer that we go to watch his favorite game and he does not want that either. He only wants to sit in front of the TV. I have to think of actitivites to keep both of us engaged.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> The first thing you can do is make sure you're spending 15 hours a week together doing non-school/housework/work-related things.


something just struck me - how about buying a couple of board games? Something like monopoly or chess etc?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Board games are absolutely perfect! So are jigsaw puzzles. I like them because you can 'graze' on them anytime you feel like sitting down together.

If he will read the book, most definitely! Best to read it together, so you can read a chunk at a time and then discuss it. There is a LOT to learn in it! It also points you to the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires at marriagebuilders.com (avoid their forum; it's toxic and dangerous - trust me). These questionnaires will help a LOT - but wait til you read the book first, so you undersstand what they are for.

I give out a list of ideas to get people started on the 15 hours:
Read a book together
Take turns picking out a movie to watch
Bring out the board games, at least once a week
Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month
Start gardening together
Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits
Take walks
Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball
Get bikes and start riding bikes together
Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year
Plan some day trips, start taking one every month
Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it
Go to bookstore and get a book like “52 great invitations to sex” in which you both have 26 invitations for a special evening to invite the other one, and you set it up, give the other the invitation (included in book) and then put on the evening
Join an online gaming community together (but don’t get addicted!)
Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together
Give each other foot rubs
Take massage class together and practice giving each other massages
Go back to school together
Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable)
Join a neighborhood dinner club or other club
Volunteer together
Join a church or get more involved in your church
Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other
Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together
Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house
Start a business together
Organize a block party
Organize a family reunion
Start working with a financial planner or learn about stocks together
Take dancing lessons together; if you like it, start entering in competitions
Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc.


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

If you are still in the process of getting permanent residency, I believe you can't leave the country without Advance Parole; and even if you do have AP, you cannot be away for a long period of time. If you do, you voluntarily abandon your application. 

Does your husband want to give up getting PR in the states?


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Turnera, great ideas there. Jigsaw puzzles sound good too. My h's birthday is coming up, may be I"ll gift him a few board games and that way he has to play wih me(no choice lol). Thanks for those ideas.

roamingmind,
Yes , he is aware of all that and neither of us is concerned about giving up the PR(thank god we atleast agree on one thing lol). We are more concerned about our individual goals more than anything else and we are fine with living in any country.


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