# Is it even possible to regain trust??



## MEI (Jun 21, 2010)

Alright, I posted here for the first time not too long ago about my husband's 'friendships' with females.

Quick Backstory:
I found emails between him and several females of the flirtatious manner where he was leading them on about meeting up etc. And one female in particular he has been friends with for years and when he was confronted by his family about some inappropriate comments she had made to him publicly, I confronted him and read the messages myself and was shocked. Basically he defended her, told her not to worry about him losing her as a friend 'just because of her'. 'Her" being me, his wife. Well, I have been a paranoid wreck ever since I discovered all of this and I finally confronted him about each and every message and asked what his thinking was for each hurtful thing; I did this because I actually thought I was being crazy and was just not understanding what he meant. I know better now. Well anyways, he did not want to give me any explanation even though I was sitting in front of him telling him how much what he said/did hurt me and made me doubt him. He finally responded and answered my questions but he never took responsibility for his actions and he never acknowledged my hurt feelings nor did he apologize for anything. I even apologized for reading his stuff but I felt like I had a legitimate suspicion. I said this is the kind of thing I would like to talk about in counseling but he says he will not bring it up in counseling or go over it again there because it is 'just for us'. But that is the whole problem and if I can't move past it then we are doomed and I don't think he understands that. I want to trust him again but this has happened before and he has said it won't happen again and then it does. So how am I supposed to believe this time will be different. He STILL text messages the one girl even tho 6 months ago he said it would stop. I am at a loss. My trust is gone and he doesn't seem to care/understand that I almost left this marriage when I saw what I saw 6 months ago. I try to forget and forgive but in order to forgive, he needs to seek forgiveness but he does not. I think that he does not see anything wrong with what he did.

I have no idea what to do or if it is even possible to trust again. I keep going back and forth on what to do and it's exhausting. I feel like he's not willing to confront his mistakes or even acknowledge that he hurt me and my trust in him..

Any advice?? any at all..


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Start reading. That is the very first thing you need to do. You will begin to understand how he is thinking and how he has become disfunctional. There is a lot of information out there that will be useful to you. Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him? Do you want to improve you marriage. You have much work to do. There is no magic wand. Expect to work on this for months, if not years. Are you up to the task and challenge?
Take a deep breath. You are probably in a great deal of pain. There is no way around that. You will need to concentrate on you in order to get through this and pull your husband back from the "dark side". I hate to say it, but this is bad. Get a handle on that first. Go to marriagebuilders.com and read what ever is available. It's free. There are some great books you can order down the raod for under $20. I am certain within a few hours you will hear from some very knowledgeable people in the forum. Breath deep. Cry if you must to clear your head and start reading. Knowledge is power.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

marriagebuilders.com is a very good site; if you go to the forums, they are a bit more direct than some of the people around here;

but the site also has a lot of good articles and great information;

you may never get an apology - sad but true

forgiveness is hard (impossible?) to do while someone is still hurting you; i always picture someone having me in a headlock, punching me in the face repeatedly and saying "sorry" after each punch; might sound goofy, but they'll stop punching when they actually mean it;

it has to stop before you can do anything else;

and "can you regain trust" - I "think" so; but they have to be willing to work for it;


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Hi MEI - 

Welcome to the forum - I have not read your previous posts, but this one gives enough information to get things started for you.

The first thing I'd like to point out is that these 'flirtations' are actually a form of Emotional Affair. As far as I'm concerned this type of infidelity is not a group of affairs, but a manifestation of infidelity in a multitude of guises. In other words, your husband is using several people to get something he thinks you cannot provide.

Little does he know, and that is to his detriment. 

Here's an article on infidelity that you could read to give you an idea of how this has started. That will give you a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about.

Now for some specifics. When your husband is in the midst of his affair, his thinking is skewed in order to justify his immoral actions. Think of it as an alien that has possessed him - an evil, alternate twin. He will twist reality so that his affair seems to be the right way to go. He may even be disgusted at the thought of other people who commit adultery - but convince himself that his actions are moral and necessary. He will magnify your bad traits, and the problems in the marriage - and minimize the same traits in the Other Women. 

And - he will say absolutely awful things. And things that make no sense, or are absolutely unrealistic. For example:



> Basically he defended her, told her not to worry about him losing her as a friend 'just because of her'. 'Her" being me, his wife.


Actually, if he wants to stay married, that is exactly what he will have to do. 

I point this out because at this point, it would do you a lot of good to take _everything_ that he says with at least one grain - and preferably a ton or two - of salt. Do not take his words seriously - but do listen carefully to what he says, because hidden within his gibbering are kernels of truth that you will need to be able to recover your marriage. It's a fine art of listening that you will get very good at over the next week or two if you stay with us on this board. 

So - what do you do now? I suggest you read this article. It's a little redundant - you are following the steps already, but it really helps to have these things sink in. 

You won't save your marriage overnight - in fact, I'd say that for the next few days, I'd stop trying. Before you quit reading this in disgust, let me argue my case. There are some concepts and techniques that you should learn first, before you try to take on this monster. 

For example: how familiar with the Marriagebuilder concepts? We use a 7 step approach to ending an affair at Affaircare - and we also have tools of communicating that are very effective. And on top of this - you need to gather some strength. Not the rush that adrenaline gives you - I am talking about real, internal stamina - the ability to weather the storm that can only come from careful preparation. You'll need it when the day comes to call this thing out. And that should come very soon.

There is a lot of hope for your marriage. Right now - vent, ask questions, allow the board to analyze his arguments - and work at learning how to distinguish true wisdom from stuff that sounds good but causes troubles later. In other words - take your time. You'll do the right thing at the right time.

We are all here pulling for you.

Welcome.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Trust is a decision we make after enough acts of good will and devotion on the part of the infidel have built the confidence in you to make such a decision.

Best,

Lyn


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