# Crisis



## figuring_it_out (Feb 14, 2013)

Thank you ahead of time for the patience to read my situation. I will attempt to keep it to the point.

My H and I married now for 14 years, living together as couple for 16 years. We have 3 children: 17, 14, 9..oldest is from me getting pregnant in high school, but hubby has been the father figure since child was 1 year old. He also officially adopted him was he was 4 years old.

I married H because I got pregnant. Prior to the pregnancy, I was aware that I didn't have a romantic love for him, but did care about him. I had actually told him that I wasn’t IN love with him and that we should probably go our separate ways---then BAM—I got pregnant. I don’t know what happened in my head or why I didn’t take time to think it through, but I made up my mind to stay with him. I felt like a failure as a woman and as a mother, because at 19 I was about to become a mother again and have another child by another man. It was a blow to my ego, my self-esteem, and a huge stop sign in the beginning of my “adult” life. I could've gone home to my parents. I could’ve made different choices, but I didn't. And much to what I knew was probably the wrong decision for my heart, I stayed and we married when our daughter was about 10 months old.
A short synopsis from that point on is that I struggled for years to give him what he wanted. We were both so young. I was 19, he was 22. He took on being a father right away, and then we added to the mix with our first daughter. I tried, but couldn’t muster the “in love” feeling you get when you are newly married or newly with someone. Again, I made choices based on security and fear, not feelings. Over time, I think we settled into our routines and we seemed to be okay for the most part. When our daughter was 6, we decided to have another child. Within months of making that choice, I was pregnant with our third. I was content at this time…I felt comfortable in my decision, felt like this was who I was going to be with, and I just spent my life being a mom, a wife, and working……
When our youngest daughter was about to start kindergarten, I got the surprise of my life—pregnant again!!! I was not happy about this pregnancy; however, I knew we would make it work, just like we always had. We had just gone through so much financial upheaval, it was completely not ideal to start over again, but we were preparing to do so. After the 5th month of pregnancy, I was pretty resolved to accept this baby into our lives and start over. Then the unthinkable occurred—I started to go into early labor, had to be rushed to the ER in an ambulance because I began to hemorrhage at home. I lost our baby girl at 23 weeks pregnant. I had a uterine infection that killed her. She was perfectly healthy, but her environment couldn’t sustain her life. The doctors had no answers, only that things like this do happen from time to time…..I was pretty sad. I wasn’t devastated, but very sad to lose a member of our family. In a small way, I felt relieved. I don’t want anyone to take that the wrong way---I would’ve been so happy to welcome a new member to our family and loved her with all my heart, but the pregnancy was unplanned and we weren’t ready. I was very okay with God’s plan to take her home to him. I certainly grieved, and so did our kids, but this wasn’t a devastating loss that we had a hard time recovering from. We all talked a lot about it, what we thought, etc…and felt we handled it well. 

2 weeks after this happened; I discovered some text messages on my husband’s phone, which led to the discovery of a secret email, that led to the discovery of pictures, that led to sex pictures. I knew that he had been unfaithful. I walked into our bedroom with the proof in my hands (on his laptop) and said I wanted a divorce. I was devastated. I kicked him out and cried for several days. The thought occurred to me more than once: “here is your out. He cheated. You can leave this relationship and no one will blame you. Your kids will not blame you, your family won’t…he’s the bad guy.”…….I thought about it and for another time in my life, I made a decision out of fear. I had no stable job, no source of regular income and felt a little fragile from just losing a baby, and I decided to have him come back home.
The following months after allowing him back were some of the best we’d ever had in our whole relationship. He was like a new man and I was full of feelings of love, lust, passion and yearning for this man---things I had been waiting to feel our ENTIRE relationship and they were finally happening!!!! I was so happy—there were no words. I describe finding out about his unfaithfulness as the “best-worst thing that could’ve happened to us.”………………..
Then came unemployment. My husband left a volatile job to work with a friend. This business venture ended up never providing much, and after unemployment ran out—we were desperate. I watched my husband go from provider, to slouch on the couch—and it was crushing. I became very bitter and angry with him. I needed him to provide for us and he just wasn’t stepping up. There were always excuses, always reasons for why he could or couldn’t do something and frankly I was just fed up. I began to feel bitter towards him and was definitely losing all the feelings I had come to have for him.
He eventually did find a job, but by the time this happened, our lease was up—we had no savings to find another home, and the rental market in our area was so high that we couldn’t find a decent place to live. My boss stepped in and offered up one of his trailers to live in until we could find something. It was both a blessing and a curse---nothing like moving from an upper middle class neighborhood into a trailer park to put your humility in place. It felt like another crushing move down the ladder.
During all this, I had been working out and eating better. This resulted in a large weight loss, and a large gain of self esteem in my life. I was getting noticed a lot, flirted with, and I was gobbling it up. Don’t get me wrong, my H has and is still extremely complimentary of me. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am….so I’m not suffering here with a bad man. He’s attractive and we have a decent sex life---some would say great. We probably have sex 3 to 4 times a week. It’s mostly because he wants to, but I cannot say that the sex is not good. The problem is—I do not desire him. I don’t lust or think about being with him. It usually takes time to get me in the mood, and it’s rare that I initiate. This is difficult for him because he is VERY sexual, very high sex drive, and I am not---and I don’t know if that’s more about lack of romantic love for him or if that’s how I’m built.
During the last few months, I have sought the attention of several men outside of our relationship. It has felt devastating and amazing all at the same time. I’m able to get the attention of men I consider VERY, VERY attractive---men I would’ve felt completely and totally out of my league a few years ago—and it has given me a confidence and a desire that I’ve never had before. I am feeling all of those intense lustful feelings that I haven’t had in my own relationship and it’s given me two perspectives….1 is that I am insanely selfish. This has been all about me, and I have not thought about how it affects my H or my children. I have to realize, and I do, that no one else can fulfill me, complete me, or fix me. I need to do that on my own and with my own God……..
2) that it makes it even more painfully obvious to me that being with my H feels like a lie. It makes me feel bad that I’m not giving him the chance to have what he deserves: a wife who desperately loves him and wants to be with him.

This also brings up my religious upbringing (Christian) and that once you get married you should stay married….especially when you have kids, because it doesn’t just affect me and my H—it affects them too. But what’s more likely to affect them?........that mom doesn’t really love daddy, but she stays unhappy for their sake or that it’s okay to blow up everyone’s definition of stability to obtain an honest life, but ultimately it’s about your own personal happiness????? It is the worst tug-o-war that I’ve ever been through.
It has been suggested to try a method called, “the crystal ball”…in which you ask yourself, “If I had a crystal ball that showed me that after this marriage, I will never find anyone better than this guy, would I still leave?”……and sometimes my answer is yes, and other days it’s no.
I have made several decisions in my life already from fear—I’m tired of operating there. I want to risk love and passion and failure in order to obtain what I believe is an honest life—alone or with someone else—I don’t want to make decisions based on whether or not he’s a good man, or he’ll be a good father---I want better than just that.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!


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## figuring_it_out (Feb 14, 2013)

I'm really hoping for a reply or advice of some kind here...feeling very lost.


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## timetofigureitout (Feb 2, 2013)

We have similar usernames. My advice is to seperate before you act on your desires and hopefully that will give you some perspective for your future. You have been very honest in your posting and perhaps it is best to have a sit down talk with the H. I am at a crossroads myself so I am not much help advise wise. Good Luck.


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## figuring_it_out (Feb 14, 2013)

Thank you. I was honest with him after I already acted on some of those desires (unfortunately). I already know it was wrong to do so, but it happened and I can't undo it. What ensued was him leaving, then him coming back, then the guilt from family and friends about trying to make it work...which I guess I will do, but how do you make your heart feel something it hasn't felt for this person before? At least not with any lasting quality?


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

Im always worried about the kids. Sorry. You had two children with a man you didnt love and he adopted your youngest. Granted you were a baby yourself when you had them. Your happiness is important , but it isnt just you , you need to think about. Sounds like a pretty decent guy to me and you at one point found those feelings of love. Other guys are giving you attention cause you look good and they want to have sex with you.

Will they be there as a family man taking on 3 children. Probably not the ones your flirting with, especially if they know your married. Just sex.

I have no answer, you will have to live with your decisions but your husband sounds like a good guy and deserves better.

When you picture your life without him, do you picture split holidays, child exchanges, prob. Lower wages for you to live on. Lots of different men until you find one that is willing totake on someone elses family.

Yes you should have happiness, so should your husband, but once hes gone you might see how good you have it. But he also deserves to be loved, not used.


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## figuring_it_out (Feb 14, 2013)

All of a sudden, 
yes, I agree....it isn't just about me. It is about my kids too...which is why I stay, which is why I am trying to find a way to stay, not a way to leave.......I just know that I've struggled for a very very long time with this and don't know if I should stay or go....

I get completely that these other men are not looking for companionship---I don't know if I am either, at least not at this point....and I'm aware that I should not leave my relationship over flirting and attention, or even for another man.... My H is a good man, no doubt about it. Which is part of the reason why i don't want to "use" him. He deserves love just like anyone does.


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## timetofigureitout (Feb 2, 2013)

To say that someone would only be wanted for sex or not relationship material because she has children is a little off base. I know plenty of divorced people with children who have moved onto to blended families and great relationships.

figuring it out you have come to a point in your life, after some read hardships--lose of a child, your home, a husband who had an affair and lost his job and became depressed--it appears you have come to a point where you need to gain a 'sense of self'. A sense of self is often lost for the wife, mother figure because they are the ones who put others needs above themselves. Sometimes one gives and gives until there is nothing left to give. And then one begins to look at what is ahead for them, more of the same or a chance to make a different life.


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## Ametista (Feb 7, 2013)

“If I had a crystal ball that showed me that after this marriage, I will never find anyone better than this guy, would I still leave?”

I think hinging everything on finding another guy (or not) is very bad for you, and its what keeps a lot of miserable people together. Why do you HAVE to have a man? 

I am so sorry about the loss of your baby, that was a horrible thing to have happen, much less right before finding out your spouse cheated.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

timetofigureitout said:


> To say that someone would only be wanted for sex or not relationship material because she has children is a little off base. I know plenty of divorced people with children who have moved onto to blended families and great relationships.
> 
> figuring it out you have come to a point in your life, after some read hardships--lose of a child, your home, a husband who had an affair and lost his job and became depressed--it appears you have come to a point where you need to gain a 'sense of self'. A sense of self is often lost for the wife, mother figure because they are the ones who put others needs above themselves. Sometimes one gives and gives until there is nothing left to give. And then one begins to look at what is ahead for them, more of the same or a chance to make a different life.


I think what she is saying is that the guys flirting with her right now are not going to want to stay.

They know she is married and they still flirt.
That already should be an indicator of their intentions.

A lot of guys will not want a woman with children as a partner unless they are strongminded, open minded and have it figured out.

Can you get one?
Of course you can, but you shouldnt jump ship because you want to go out and prove it.

You know why? Cause you already got one.
Now if you want to find yourself and discover who you are, well then that is your call.

Just remember, from this point on you will always be mommy and either wife or ex wife.

So if you are looking for a good man, well you already got one.
If you are searching for something else, if the desire to do so is killing you, then you should set your husband free and do it


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## figuring_it_out (Feb 14, 2013)

1.) I realize the intentions of other men who are willing to flirt and more with a married woman are clearly not in it for the long-haul.....I guess what has occurred is the realization that I CAN have those intense feelings, that they are out there, and it's possible to have it with someone

2.) My oldest will leave for college this fall, my middle daughter is 15 in a month, and I have a 9 year old. I am not concerned about whether or not another man will accept my children....these 3 kids are and have been my life, so if it's just me and them--then so be it.

3.) I get that I have a good man----but is that enough? I mean, come one here--I want someone to see that I want to be IN love...not just loved by someone good. Haven't any of you been chased in your life by someone who was so nice and great, but you just didn't have the chemistry for them? Well, this is how I feel. I'm not trying to stand on a soap box or be a b**ch here---I don't want to hurt this man!!!!.....but living with the knowledge that he doesn't turn my boots up, yet staying for the kids or to not hurt him is very difficult. Is he abusive? No. Is he a jerk? No. I have no "typical" reason to leave him, other than I'm finally not afraid to do so.....it's like all this time I've been too afraid to just be on my own--alone or with someone else, at this point--I imagine it to be healthier to be alone, to make sure I know who I am and what I want.

But again, there is more than me in this marriage. Our children will be affected by this no matter what, and that is my biggest obstacle right now.

Feels so impossible......


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## figuring_it_out (Feb 14, 2013)

And I don't mean my children are an obstacle...I meant that their happiness is very very important...I don't want to ruin that because of my desire for my freedom.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

figuring_it_out said:


> And I don't mean my children are an obstacle...I meant that their happiness is very very important...I don't want to ruin that because of my desire for my freedom.


You think you could ever have that feeling you want to have with your husband?
Sometimes marriages don't work I suppose.

At least you are willing to accept the blame will all be on you.
That is a bold step that I'm to chicken sh!t to do.

I'm not gonna say think about your kids now because obviously that is why you are still married right?

I do know that u either have to figure if u want to and it can be worked out or leave 
Because the feeling is just going to grow and grow to the point whete it WILL affect your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## figuring_it_out (Feb 14, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> You think you could ever have that feeling you want to have with your husband?
> Sometimes marriages don't work I suppose.
> 
> At least you are willing to accept the blame will all be on you.
> ...


Why are you chicken Sh*t? I haven't read any of your previous posts, but would be interested to hear. I think you can message me if you'd rather not re-hash here, or direct me to where you've posted your story. I am chicken sh*t too, obviously. I've had several "outs" in this relationship that I didn't take based on fear--so ya, I get it.

I want that feeling for my husband!! I really do. Life would be smooth sailing if I was in love with him......I really do want that...in fact, I feel like that's half of why I feel so distraught--I want that! I've wanted that for a long time. My husband is attractive, sensitive, desires me, is a good man, a good dad---it's not like I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel, ya know? For all intensive purposes, I should be in love with this man!!!!!!!! I literally pray every day for God to strike me like cupid--I know that seems silly to pray, but I do pray everyday to be in love with my husband. I have read books on rekindling the romance--although it's hard to RE kindle something you never really had in the first place....I'm working on it. I'm going to seek out some personal therapy before I make any rash decisions. I want to know that I tried everything before calling it quits.


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