# should i cheat?



## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

I’ve been reading this forum for a while, and I would like to vent and would appreciate any kind of opinion. I generally have a good relationship with my husband except for one thing. He works and goes to school part time, so he is very busy. This has been going on for around 10 years. We very rarely go on vacation as he spends all his vacation time studying. We also very rarely have a full weekend together. I am very resentful because of that, and I told him about it. His response is usually that there is nothing he can do, he has to finish school, once he is done things will be different. I have a very good job myself and make more than twice of what he does. Our sex life has been routine, but satisfying. But lately my sex drive is completely through the roof and it is driving me insane. He is not interested in doing it this often. It is literally all I can think about. I work out regularly so my energy level is relatively high. I’ve tried to discuss it with him, and he pretty much said that it is mean of me to bring this up as he is doing everything he can for me. 
We do have occasional fights that turn bad. We had one a couple of weeks ago, and I almost feel like something snapped in me. I feel like I want to leave, but I am really afraid of making a wrong decision.
What’s the point of being married? I make most money, I am mostly on my own and have to entertain myself. 
Am I selfish for not supporting my husband more in his desire to go school? When he is available, things are great, but he usually is not. It has been going on for so long, I feel like it is never ending.
To make matters worse, i came across the “50 shades of grey” book. I’ve read it in like 1 weekend. The guy in the book is all I can think about now. I know he is not real, but he is exactly what I think I want. I’ve also tried to get my husband to try some of the things in the book. I’ve asked if he would read it, and he said he is not going to read anything for fun until he is done school. That really hurt me, and I feel like if a hot guy comes along, I will be unable to resist. I am very much conflicted at this point as I am not a cheater, and I was always proud of my morals. But I don’t care any more – I just want to have hot sex. 
I guess my story is as old as this world, and there are tons of those on this forum about people with different sex drives. You either have to live with this or divorce. I can’t seem to be able to do either. I feel like cheating is my only solution. I would almost want my husband to find out – perhaps it would realize how much it hurts or perhaps he would leave. Both ways are better than the current situation. 
I guess my question is: is there anything I can do or say to my husband to make him understand?
Please help.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Don't cheat.

Do tell him what you have told us here - that you are consdiering it, but don't want to, so you want him to work with you to fix things. Then suggest counseling.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

I did tell him that I felt like cheating, and he didn't take me seriously. He didn't believe that I would actually do it. 
We've tried counselling - two of them, but didn't like either. One was creepy, and the second one was focusing on small unimportant things.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Grisha, honey, you don't want counseling. "one was creepy, and the second one was focusing on small unimportant things."

Are you sure they were small unimportant things? Really? You have training?

You want out. That's fine. That's completely acceptable. But just do it. Don't cat around until he leaves you. Take responsibility for your own emotions and your own actions, and just leave.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

grisha said:


> What’s the point of being married? I make most money, I am mostly on my own and have to entertain myself.


You sound quite self-sufficient. If you have the ability to make it on your own, then go for it. I don't know how old you are, but you are probably young enough to start over and find another man sometime down the road, who will be a better match for you.



grisha said:


> I’ve asked if he would read it, and he said he is not going to read anything for fun until he is done school. That really hurt me ...


Not trying to take sides here, but I sympathize with your husband. After reading about a zillion court decisions and taking never-ending law courses, the last thing I wanted to do when I graduated was read anything ... unless it had lots of pictures!




grisha said:


> But I don’t care any more – *I just want *to have hot sex. ...*I feel *like cheating is my only solution. I would almost want my husband to find out – perhaps it would realize how much it hurts or perhaps he would leave. Both ways are better than the current situation.
> I guess my question is: is there anything I can do or say to my husband to make him understand?
> Please help.


If you want your husband to leave, then sit down and have THE TALK with him. There are people on TAM who are devastated, and have almost been destroyed, when they learned about their spouse's affair. You don't have to hurt him that much to let him know you are unhappy with the way things are. Please note, that what you want and what you feel are not in a vacuum here; your wants and feelings are in a marriage.

Yes, it does sound as if your husband isn't listening to you. But something drastic like an affair to make him leave? Bad idea. Very, very bad idea. Hold your head high, maintain your dignity, and end the marriage if you feel the need to do so. 

P.S. - What your husband WILL "understand" if you cheat on him, is you are a person not to be trusted or respected. JMO.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

grisha,

I agree with TAG. Don't cheat and try to remember that what your husband is doing now (school and work) is going to benefit both of you down the road and I'm sure he actually wants to be the best he can for you. Cheating will destroy this.

Talk to him and find out how much more time of his will be needed to get his degree. Than talk about how you can work around this. Would he be willing to take summers off so the two of you could re-connect?

If you cheat, you'll not only hurt him, you'll hurt yourself.

How about masturbation instead?


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

grisha said:


> I did tell him that I felt like cheating, and he didn't take me seriously. He didn't believe that I would actually do it.
> We've tried counselling - two of them, but didn't like either. One was creepy, and the second one was focusing on small unimportant things.


Sometimes the urge for sexual expression can completely eliminate sound judgment and result in rash decisions that are often regretted later in life. Every time you have the urge to leave, there is probably something stopping you. That something is usually "sound judgment". Often times that moment is the best time to follow your gut. Is it telling you to run? Or is there significant hesitation? I would follow your gut...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

grisha said:


> I did tell him that I felt like cheating, and he didn't take me seriously. He didn't believe that I would actually do it.
> We've tried counselling - two of them, but didn't like either. One was creepy, and the second one was focusing on small unimportant things.


Either find a counselor that you do "click" with or leave. 

Again, don't cheat. You seem to think that cheating will wake him up and cause him to address these issues. Perhaps it will, but it is far more likely that he will kick you out and divorce you. After people find out, you will be a divorced woman with fidelity issues. It may be tough to find another guy with that resume. So, for a third time - don't cheat. Be honest, even if it hurts, because it is much better than the alternative.

P.S. - Don't cheat.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Grisha, what do you get from being married? What did you used to get? 

Cheating isn't going to solve your problem, which is that your husband has disconnected emotionally from you. 

You said his reply is "I can't help it. I have to finish school." You can remind him that he's prioritizing school over his marriage and insist on a change. Maybe it'll take him longer to finish school, but so what? Maybe you can decide to move out and live as a single person while he finishes school so that you can BOTH meet your own needs and let the marriage suffer in the process. Maybe you can leave or have affairs, let him finish school, and both of you move on from the chapter in your life where you were married and unwilling to support each other in ways that mattered to both of you.

It may be helpful if you'll consider how much sex and/or affection is the minimum you can live with while he completes school. If he's being intimate once a week, would you be satisfied? Maybe eight times a week wouldn't keep you happy. If you can give him a solid target to work with, you'll both know if he's doing what he needs to. If you're still not satisfied, then it's up to you to change your expectations.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Just seeing the title, my answer was "don't cheat". My answer didn't change as I read the post. More like skimmed. My attention span sucks lately. Anyway, yea...don't cheat. Regardless of what you end up doing regarding your marriage, either staying or ending, eventually...it will do more harm than good. Sit down, talk it out with your husband. Figure out what you both are gonna do. If his schooling is more important than the marriage, well, then leave him. But, and I can't stress this enough......


*DO NOT CHEAT!!!!!!!!*


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

grisha said:


> I’ve been reading this forum for a while, and I would like to vent and would appreciate any kind of opinion. I generally have a good relationship with my husband except for one thing. He works and goes to school part time, so he is very busy. This has been going on for around 10 years. We very rarely go on vacation as he spends all his vacation time studying. We also very rarely have a full weekend together. I am very resentful because of that, and I told him about it. His response is usually that there is nothing he can do, he has to finish school, once he is done things will be different. I have a very good job myself and make more than twice of what he does. Our sex life has been routine, but satisfying. But lately my sex drive is completely through the roof and it is driving me insane. He is not interested in doing it this often. It is literally all I can think about. I work out regularly so my energy level is relatively high. I’ve tried to discuss it with him, and he pretty much said that it is mean of me to bring this up as he is doing everything he can for me.
> We do have occasional fights that turn bad. We had one a couple of weeks ago, and I almost feel like something snapped in me. I feel like I want to leave, but I am really afraid of making a wrong decision.
> What’s the point of being married? I make most money, I am mostly on my own and have to entertain myself.
> Am I selfish for not supporting my husband more in his desire to go school? When he is available, things are great, but he usually is not. It has been going on for so long, I feel like it is never ending.
> ...


No you should not cheat. Yes you are selfish.

How close is your husband to finishing his education? Ten years is a long time. 

You could sit down with him and ask him if you should be cheating.

You guys should do His Needs Her Needs together. Yeah I know when he is done with school. There you can make a point that you do not have a need for him to make a lot of money. But his career is more than just money. Maybe he has an issue with him making soe much less than you.

Perhaps since you mentioned cheating to him you should tell him you want a divorce. You can no longer wait to have sex in your life. You need to divorce him and find a man to bang you. Yes say that. Exactly that. Maybe he will take that seriously.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes you should cheat. 

Seriously, I didn't get past the title of your thread and where you say you've been reading here for a while. What kind of question is "Should I Cheat?" to ask on a MARRIAGE forum?? Wow.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

No.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Yes you should cheat.
> 
> *Seriously, I didn't get past the title of your thread and where you say you've been reading here for a while.* What kind of question is "Should I Cheat?" to ask on a MARRIAGE forum?? Wow.


Good point. I missed that line... Was it the first sentence? Sorry, I was looking for her justification. But yea, reading this forum for awhile and STILL felt she should ask if she should cheat? Yea....:scratchhead:


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Well, you are all absolutely right. 
I don’t want counseling any more as I didn’t have good experience trying it. When we went to see the first creepy one, her office was at her house, and it was full of staff. I mean almost hoarding style. I am sorry, but I couldn’t go back there. The second one had a nice office. She asked me for some examples of how my husband doesn’t listen to me. I said that he drives aggressively. Perhaps, it was a wrong example, but it came to mind at the time. I’ve asked him not to drive like that numerous times, and he ignores me. The counsellor suggested to him to drive at the speed limit for a week and see what happens. He agreed. I knew right there and then that he was not going to drive the speed limit ever. I didn’t say anything, but wanted to see what happens. And of course, he did not. Driving the speed limit was not the point.
At the back of my mind I know that I do need to divorce him, but I just can’t. We’ve been together for 15 years, and I am 35. We were extremely attracted to each other at the beginning, and we still are. I cannot look at him without wanting to seduce him right then and there. I am not sure if he still feels the same. He says he does, but it doesn’t show.
I know I come across as very selfish, but this is who I am. 
I am self-sufficient, but I don’t want to be. 
I live by ‘grass is not greener’, so I don’t know if I can find someone who is a better match.
I’ve tried vibrators and masturbation, but they leave me feeling – “what the f***?” It just feels so lonely and unemotional.
I have told him that I wanted to divorce before, he promised that he would do all the things that I was asking. He usually lasts around a week. 

Sorry, my title was not the best. But it was the first thing that came to mind and descriptive.

I told him that the amount he is making is sufficient, I don't think it is about that.
He promised me 4 years ago that he was going to finish school in 2 years. Now he is saying he will be done in the fall. But I feel like there will always be something more important in his life.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Making an observation


Why do I think women are more resentful than men when they make more money in a relationship?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

At least you are pausing to think before you do something dumb

I'm willing to bet you are in you early to mid thirties. Women hit their sexual peak at that age.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

If sex is of the utmost importance to you.. leave, divorce, ect... Cheating is a cowards way out. It's sneaky, selfish, destructive, and the ultimate form of betrayal you can impose upon your spouse. Clearly your finding every excuse/reason you can to paint an ugly picture of the marriage you have. Clearly you do NOT want to work things out. If you had.. you wouldn't be complaining about such little things in the counseling sessions. Just outright divorce the man so you both can find someone more compatible to each of you.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> At least you are pausing to think before you do something dumb
> 
> I'm willing to bet you are in you early to mid thirties. Women hit their sexual peak at that age.


Well thats just wonderful news.... If ever my hubby can't be around to satisfy THAT need... I may as well buy some toys....


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

grisha said:


> To make matters worse, i came across the “50 shades of grey” book. I’ve read it in like 1 weekend. The guy in the book is all I can think about now. I know he is not real, but he is exactly what I think I want. I’ve also tried to get my husband to try some of the things in the book.


What exactly do you find so appealing about Christian?
Personally I think the books are ridiculous & the relationship that Anastasia & Christian have is beyond dysfunctional.
I also think that the popularity of the book goes to show you that people have no idea what a healthy relationship is.
No one can "save" another person, certainly not just because the savior is a virgin willing to do anything sexually to please the savee. 

Come back down to reality, you're not going to find your dream man because quite frankly they don't exist, at least not in the way you're thinking.
Focus on the relationship you have now or get out & seek another, just don't do that while still married.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

grisha said:


> Well, you are all absolutely right.
> I don’t want counseling any more as I didn’t have good experience trying it. When we went to see the first creepy one, her office was at her house, and it was full of staff. I mean almost hoarding style. I am sorry, but I couldn’t go back there. The second one had a nice office. She asked me for some examples of how my husband doesn’t listen to me. I said that he drives aggressively. Perhaps, it was a wrong example, but it came to mind at the time. I’ve asked him not to drive like that numerous times, and he ignores me. The counsellor suggested to him to drive at the speed limit for a week and see what happens. He agreed. I knew right there and then that he was not going to drive the speed limit ever. I didn’t say anything, but wanted to see what happens. And of course, he did not. Driving the speed limit was not the point.
> *At the back of my mind I know that I do need to divorce him, but I just can’t.* We’ve been together for 15 years, and I am 35. We were extremely attracted to each other at the beginning, and we still are. I cannot look at him without wanting to seduce him right then and there. I am not sure if he still feels the same. He says he does, but it doesn’t show.
> I know I come across as very selfish, but this is who I am.
> ...


If you can't throw in the towel, then I would suggest finding another counsellor. There are a lot of bad ones, and even some goods ones that won't work for you two. If you can't bring yourself to leave, then don't stop working on things.

P.S. Don't cheat.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

THE perfect man... is one with flaws. Each flaw and characteristic is like a cut in stone... but when you back up to look at that stone as a whole... you will discover how truly beautiful it is. I think your focusing to much on the cut and not on the stone as a whole. Perfection is a matter of opinion just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I guess if you really want a made up guy... divorce the one you have and go hunt this shadow down.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Do not cheat! Just don't for the sake of your self do not do it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

As my mother used to say - Can't is a cowardly word unfit to be heard by any old turd.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My drive is through the roof high and has been for coming up on a year. It's much higher then my husband's. I honestly would love to have it more often, but I found out I was pushing my husband. He never once pushed me or even shown disappointment when I turned him down in the past. I feel I should do the same. He knows that I want it daily, but it's not happening at this time with him being busy and his current stress. I patiently wait for when he's ready. I'd never ever disrespect my husband in any way shape or form. I absolutely adore him and he is my biggest support! 

My husband is my world, he didn't leave me when I became disabled in my mid 30's. I had a massive neck injury and our sex went to maybe once a month or so to none. 8 months went by without sex and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why he quit asking. It dawned on me that I've rejected him so many times and he was patiently waiting for me to come around, if ever. During this time my husband was doing everything he could to keep me happy. I woke up one day realizing how much he was doing for me and how little I was giving back. Not once was he upset or even angry for the lack of intimacy. 

My husband and I support each other on everything. If he wanted to go back to school and get yet another degree, I'd be right there supporting him. If he left his job and took a huge pay cut, I'm still right there by his side! I'll go on disability if I have to. I'll live in a tent if I that's what it took to be with him. I'm housebound, so I can not work! When my husband trains for ironmans, I rarely see him. He works full time, then comes home and trains 6 days of the week. He loves racing in ironman triathlons. I'm right there with the kids at the finish line no matter how much pain I have to endure.

I adore my husband and he adores me. I'd be so hurt if he ever threatened to cheat I'd leave. Infidelity is my number one deal breaker. In fact neither of us have friendships with others of the opposite sex. My first husband cheated on me. I left as soon as I had solid proof and divorced him right away. My heart would be broken if he told me he was looking for intimacy elsewhere. 

If you don't love your husband, then leave. We don't cheat on the ones we truly love. Leave your husband first before you decide to sleep with someone else. It's extremely disrespectful and the ultimate betrayal to cheat on your spouse. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. How would you feel if he wanted to sleep with another woman? 

Don't cheat on him. Leave him first before you sleep around.


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## hidingaway (May 29, 2012)

wow.. i think your main problems in your marriage revolve around how you guys view life. your hubs thinks big picture and you only think about right now. your hubs has life goals that revolve around his education and you have sexual goals that revolve around right now. 

personally i think it's crazy to want to cheat on your husband because he wants to focus on his education instead of having sex with you all the time. did you marry your hubs for sex or for a life partner? 

i havent read that book you're talking about, but i've heard about it. if i were you i'd burn the book and snap back into a reality. if you're expecting your husband to act like a fake guy from a book.. he wont. and if you think you'll find someone who will... you wont. cuz it's fake. 

anyway. good luck.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

grisha said:


> Well, you are all absolutely right.
> I don’t want counseling any more as I didn’t have good experience trying it. When we went to see the first creepy one, her office was at her house, and it was full of staff. I mean almost hoarding style. I am sorry, but I couldn’t go back there. The second one had a nice office. She asked me for some examples of how my husband doesn’t listen to me. I said that he drives aggressively. Perhaps, it was a wrong example, but it came to mind at the time. I’ve asked him not to drive like that numerous times, and he ignores me. The counsellor suggested to him to drive at the speed limit for a week and see what happens. He agreed. I knew right there and then that he was not going to drive the speed limit ever. I didn’t say anything, but wanted to see what happens. And of course, he did not. Driving the speed limit was not the point.
> At the back of my mind I know that I do need to divorce him, but I just can’t. We’ve been together for 15 years, and I am 35. We were extremely attracted to each other at the beginning, and we still are. I cannot look at him without wanting to seduce him right then and there. I am not sure if he still feels the same. He says he does, but it doesn’t show.
> I know I come across as very selfish, but this is who I am.
> ...


get divorced he will never change. you will get false prommises and then nothing.

find a guy that desires you and set this one free to sponge off someone else. as he takes for ever to get through school.

or give me a call and I'll show you some shades of gray. 

sorry about that last line.I'm sick of my wife also.

really listen to me if he dosn't have a sex drive now it ain't going to get better so unles your up for a marriage of unsatisfying sex with a selfish lazy lover who would rather study than eat pu$$y THEN GET DIVORCED while your still young.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

*Make a hard limit of this fall and then he is done. Have him agree to this.

If he renegs then divorce him. make sure he understands axactly this. Do not throw away 15 years becuase you cannot wait for him to finish school in the Fall. *

He should also show good faith and up his game. 

What the heck is he studying? Too bad he did not just go to school full time.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Slightly off topic... but.. AWESOME AVI ENTROPY!! Oh and me and hubby loved the big trouble in little china movie..


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Slightly off topic... but.. AWESOME AVI ENTROPY!! Oh and me and hubby loved the big trouble in little china movie..


:smthumbup:

If I could be any persona in life ... it would be Iron Man. LOL.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> If I could be any persona in life ... it would be Iron Man. LOL.


lol 


"Now.. back to your regularly scheduled programming..."



*DON'T CHEAT!!!*


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

first of all..stop comparing your relationship to a fictional novel.

however..i do understand how you feel after reading it..i am now on the second book..total mommy porn lol..

today i was out with my bestfriend and a young girl (24 yr old) that works with her that i have known for years..young girl noticed a little mark on my neck (hickey..lol..sad at 45 yrs old) and commented..my BFF started laughing and showed hers...

Best friend and I started howling..we think our hubbys must be reading our books..:lol:

but most importantly..as per your topic line

NO. DO NOT CHEAT. 

that is soooo wrong.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

I completely agree that the relationship in “50 shades of grey” is dysfunctional and fake. I do NOT want this type of a relationship. I want this type of sex life – not that extreme, but I want my husband to be in charge. The book is very badly written, but I could not put it down for the life of me even though it was turning my insides inside out.
I work with a lot of men, and I have not met anyone I would want to have a relationship with. I understand that no one is perfect. I really liked “stones with faults” description that someone here provided. It is a very good way to look at relationships. 
I have completely supported my husband on his desire to go to school. But I went to school too, and I still take courses to improve my knowledge. I do not remember it being as time consuming. I feel like he is dragging his feet, and he could have finished by now. I also feel that once he is done, he will find something else to keep him occupied, but I cannot know that.
I have put myself in his shoes so many times, but I am really fed up. He never told me he was dissatisfied with anything, and I ask him regularly. I have never ever turned him down sexually as I believe it will be extremely hard to take for a guy. Please guys enlighten me if I am wrong here.
How would people usually go about finding a counsellor? I am embarrassed to ask anyone I know. The ones I went to I found by online reviews, but I got completely discouraged.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

grisha i agree with you. I also want this kind of sex life (ok..i can skip the pain part please) but a husband that takes CONTROL.. 

unfortunately I do not think that you wishing for the sexual relationship in 50 shades is your problem...i think it just magnified how you are feeling

I think you do need to find a therapist... if you are religious try your church..if not..go into the yellow pages under couples councelling..church is better as they try to advocate couples actually staying together..

good luck hun


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Uh.. there are other options too if your into a different type of religion.. such as meditation... for one... some people do self hypnosis... then there are spells, baths, ect


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I'll back up what Entropy asked: What is this guy studying? Is he trying to finish his Bachelor's? Master's? His Doctorate? I can't imagine anyone taking more than a few years to finish a degree if he had any college before.

Don't cheat, of course, but something seems fishy with the whole situation.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Some STDs aren't curable, if you're unlucky you'll get HIV/AIDS on your first try. Yikes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So you think that if you cheat all the problems in your marriage will magically disappear? 

It doesn't work that way. Either work on your marriage or get a divorce. 

Adding more people to your marriage (and potential STDs and trust issues and resentment) isn't going to fix the main problem. 

Reading some fictitious novel and then comparing your real-life marriage to is beyond silly.

If you are so unhappy, get a divorce.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Making an observation
> 
> 
> Why do I think women are more resentful than men when they make more money in a relationship?


Because although it is a generalization in large part it is true. I am still looking for the empty pod my new wife came from after she got the raise that surpassed by salary.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

OP, Just so we get a better picture, how bad is your sex drive? Is it on "all the time", "everyday", "couple of times a week", "once a week", "once a month"....? The reason I ask is to see if your expectations are reasonable and something that can be satisfied under ordinary circumstances. 

Looks like most of your issues revolve around the sex drive. Like others mention, first of all throw the erotic novels out the window... They seem to further instigate your sex drive which is not helpful in any way. Also meditation, mind control etc would be helpful to tone it down. Btw, do you think there is a reason why your sex drive has increased significantly. Are you taking any medicines, pills etc that could be causing it to happen?

I think other than counselling, it would also be a good idea to make an effort and see the brighter side of things. If you read some posts on this website you will find lot of spouses who cheat, abuse, lie etc... Your husband might not be able to fulfill your sex drive but I don't see anything in your post that indicates that he is a bad husband in anyway. It is a good thing that he is investing time in studying (as opposed to wasting time at bars flirting with other women, or neglecting wife and hanging out all the time with friends etc...) Btw, what is he studying? If you were my friend, I would tell you that you should be supportive of his studies and should encourage him with his career development. In marriage, development of both of you as a couple should be of importance to you. It should not matter that you earn more than him. 

Just as you think that "satisfying your sex drive" is his responsibility, don't you think that "supporting him with his career and studies" is your responsibility as a wife? 

As for "should you cheat" ... I won't waste my time repeating what others have aptly mentioned and emphasized. If you feel for whatever reason that you have reached the end of the road, divorce him and then find somebody.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

With this economy the way it is my wife is making three times as much as I make and I joke with my friends at work by saying "you know what a woman who makes 90k a year get, , , , , Any Thing She Wants! !" If your pulling most of the load that fkr needs to start paying more attention to you before someone else does. . . Bottom line

And what is he trying to be that he's got ten years school and not done yet ? either he's gonna make 300k a year or he's not that bright.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I have that book, and have so far found it to be very badly written etc.

However I can completely understand that you want your husband to desire you, to ravish you, to let you know he wants you badly. You want him to take charge and to take you. 

He needs to understand how important it is to you. Your marriage needs to be top priority to both of you or it won't last. 

He has a lot of demands on him, but you can bet if you had just recently met, even with a hectic schedule he would make the time for you.

Go back to counselling ASAP.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> If I could be any persona in life ... it would be Iron Man. LOL.


really? I figured you as more of the Thor type.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> *Make a hard limit of this fall and then he is done. Have him agree to this.
> 
> If he renegs then divorce him. make sure he understands axactly this. Do not throw away 15 years becuase you cannot wait for him to finish school in the Fall. *
> 
> ...


I agree with this.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

> However I can completely understand that you want your husband to desire you, to ravish you, to let you know he wants you badly. You want him to take charge and to take you.
> 
> He needs to understand how important it is to you.


I guess this is my main problem. How do I make him understand this? I feel like he ignored it. Now as I think of it, I most likely won't have a problem with his school or whatever if he did the above.
Hi is not going to make 300k once he is done.
My sex drive is "3-4 times a week". I would probably like it more, but I am also busy. And I am drained on my workout days. I would be happy with 3-4 times a week. Is this unreasonable? I am not sure why it increased. I told him on Monday morning that I was horny. It is Wednesday morning now and nothing.
I really did support him when he first started school, but it has been dragging for too long.
Someone here said that he looks at the big picture, and I only look at today. I do not think one can ever be happy by always looking at the big picture. I used to live like that and I was always unhappy as it seemed like my life was on hold until a certain goal was met. It took me a lot of hard work to learn to live day-by-day and pay attention to little things.
I suppose I could be greatful that he is not at bars flirting with women, but I would never be able to live with a drinker. I work with a guy who goes to a bar every friday, he gets shortness of breath just my walking from his desk to mine. What a terrible way to live!!! And he is my age.
I didn't really sleep all night thinking about everything. I don't think school is the problem neither is my sex drive. As I said, I also have a lot going on, and I don't need that much of his time. If he really wanted he would find it for me. The issue is that he doesn't want to. 
I think divorce is my only solution.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

grisha said:


> How would people usually go about finding a counsellor? I am embarrassed to ask anyone I know. The ones I went to I found by online reviews, but I got completely discouraged.


Does your work have a "mental health" hotline? Mine does, where you call to receive confidential referrals to counsellors and the like for these types of issues. Also check to see if there are any clinics that can provide a referral.

Good luck.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

grisha said:


> Hi is not going to make 300k once he is done.
> My sex drive is "3-4 times a week". I would probably like it more, but I am also busy. And I am drained on my workout days. I would be happy with 3-4 times a week. Is this unreasonable? I am not sure why it increased. I told him on Monday morning that I was horny. It is Wednesday morning now and nothing.
> I really did support him when he first started school, but it has been dragging for too long.
> Someone here said that he looks at the big picture, and I only look at today. I do not think one can ever be happy by always looking at the big picture. I used to live like that and I was always unhappy as it seemed like my life was on hold until a certain goal was met. It took me a lot of hard work to learn to live day-by-day and pay attention to little things.
> ...


"3-4 times a week" Sheesh, I wish my wife were as into sex as you are. If my wife ever says to me that she's horny again, I'll jump on it in a second! I'm in the same place as you as far as sex drive is concerned, but the reason for no sex in my marriage at the moment is that I had an EA and it is taking a LOT to undo all of the damage from that. Another vote for the "no cheating" side.

You both seem to be wrapped up in your respective lives/schedules and seemingly drifting apart over time, but you need to talk with him to get to the core of what's going on. Have you talked recently about what your goals might be as a couple? When he finishes school, then what? 

From what I'm reading in your posts is that some time has passed, things have changed and neither of you really know what to do with the relationship nor what you want out of it now. You're both on very different pages and some kind of reconnection/rekindling of the relationship might be in order, but both of you have to want the same thing and you have to find a way there. It might seem silly, but a "date night" or something similar might be in order. The both of you put your other things on hold for one night/day/afternoon and just be with each other, talking, having sex, whatever...

Beyond that, if you really want to resolve more hardcore issues, then you're going to have to search a bit more for a good match in a counselor. Maybe look into marriage counseling associations in your area?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

grisha said:


> My sex drive is "3-4 times a week". I would probably like it more, but I would be happy with 3-4 times a week. Is this unreasonable?


No, not unreasonable at all. That is what we are at with our compromise, but I would like it daily if not more then that. Somedays it's 3-4 times in a day, my drive is so high. I know how you feel in this sense.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife has a very low sex drive. If I didn’t bring it up, sex would never happen. Sex is just part of it… It’s the feeling desired that I want and I after 20 years never never got that feeling. That is her personality. I know it will NEVER change. 

After I hit 40 or so, I started to get in shape. Enough that other women notice me. I want my wife to get in shape also. I know that will NEVER change. I want her to touch me and at the same time… I DON’T want her to touch me.

I like the attention I get from other women. Most know that I am married, so it isn’t likely that I would have an affair. At the same time… it scares me to think that if one of them was aggressive…It would be hard to turn it down.

I tell my wife all the time when I am horny. She just looks at me and says..."AGAIN"? She is a SAHM and she doesn’t clean the house a whole lot. She should have the energy if she wasn’t so lazy.

I did ask her if she still wanted to be married! So it will be good for a week and then back to normal.

Like many marriages, I think you are missing the intimacy. I can relate!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I hate to say this but maybe it’s time for a wakeup call for your H. He doesn’t take your threats seriously so maybe you should try to shake things up a bit by showing him what he might lose. He seems to think he has everything under control but he need to understand that he has to put some effort into his M or he will lose it. Some guys (like myself unfortunately) have to experience loss before we are motivated to change.

I reluctantly would suggest a trial separation to see if that will motivate him to take you seriously. He isn’t appreciating what he has and once it hits him that you will be fine without him he may change his attitude. Realize he may act angry at first (his arrogance will make him believe he still has control) but that will pass and he should then go into desperation mode. When he sees you will back up what you say he will respect you more and hopefully make an effort to change. That doesn’t mean you can date BTW.

It took something like this to "fix" me. I hate that it takes something so drastic but sometimes its your only option.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

grisha said:


> I think divorce is my only solution.


Then you have your answer. I doubt anything a bunch of strangers says on an internet site is going to convince you otherwise. You are not exactly ancient, and you can support yourself. I'm sure someone else will come along in time with whom you can have a satisfying relationship.

If divorce is a viable solution, and it appears it is for you, then I say go for it.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

grisha said:


> I told him on Monday morning that I was horny. It is Wednesday morning now and nothing.


Just curious.... but you say you told him your horny... right? Now... is that all you did? Just look at him and say.. "I'm horny..." Then just sit there? Did you initiate anything? Kiss him? Grope him? Smack his rear? Anything? Just saying.. "I'm horny..." Isn't going to get you anywhere if you don't do anything with some guys or vice versa. Perhaps a little less telling him and alot more showing him should be tried? Before you get a divorce... try rubbing against him or something first... see if he gets the point lol.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Just curious.... but you say you told him your horny... right? Now... is that all you did? Just look at him and say.. "I'm horny..." Then just sit there? Did you initiate anything? Kiss him? Grope him? Smack his rear? Anything? Just saying.. "I'm horny..." Isn't going to get you anywhere if you don't do anything with some guys or vice versa. Perhaps a little less telling him and alot more showing him should be tried? Before you get a divorce... try rubbing against him or something first... see if he gets the point lol.


If I tell my husband that I'm horney, that's a cue I'm looking for some loven' that exact moment. He knows my cues.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> If I tell my husband that I'm horney, that's a cue I'm looking for some loven' that exact moment. He knows my cues.


lol for some people thats the only clue they need.... but for others... sometimes they need a physical clue or hint lol.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Oh no, I didn't just say that I was horny. I've done some physical stuff too. I won't go into details. I got NO reaction - verbal or physical. THis morning - two days later, I've asked why there was no reaction. His reply was "I didn't know what to say". What the h***? He didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. Sigh.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Wth? What did he do when you kissed him?


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

He just laid there. And I thought oh well, he is not in the mood. Perhaps he will get back to me later. Nope


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Hmm... how long has he been "going to college?" How long has he put you off?


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

This post makes me sad. 
I don't know what to say.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

1st- Don't cheat. Sex isn't wort it. Your husband is worth more than a piece of ass you will get off the street. 

2nd - Your husband does NEED to pay more attention to you. He needs to understand that the minute he married you, that marriage has to take presedence over anything else. You are more important than school.

3rd - If nothing changes, than you just need to end the marriage before you do anything. Tell him you want out before you do anything you will regret.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

grisha said:


> He just laid there. And I thought oh well, he is not in the mood. Perhaps he will get back to me later. Nope


Really? OMGoodness, I'd be so hurt by this reaction. This is complete rejection and he is being selfish by not meeting your needs. Seriously, your not expecting a lot. I understand the overdrive in the libido. If I wasn't getting any feedback, I'd seriously would want to know why. It's not normal for a man to react this way unless he's cheating, porn/masturbation addiction or a medical issue. It's my understanding most men need to release their stuff about once every 3 days. Just laying there unresponsive is disrespectful. I'd question if he even loves you. He certainly is not interested in meeting your needs.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Really? OMGoodness, I'd be so hurt by this reaction. This is complete rejection and he is being selfish by not meeting your needs. Seriously, your not expecting a lot. I understand the overdrive in the libido. If I wasn't getting any feedback, I'd seriously would want to know why. It's not normal for a man to react this way unless he's cheating, porn/masturbation addiction or a medical issue. It's my understanding most men need to release their stuff about once every 3 days. Just laying there unresponsive is disrespectful. I'd question if he even loves you. He certainly is not interested in meeting your needs.


:iagree: I'm beginning to think maybe he is getting his needs met by some other means... and perhaps a trial seperation would be a good start...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Gaia said:


> :iagree: I'm beginning to think maybe he is getting his needs met by some other means... and perhaps a trial seperation would be a good start...


I am not a big fan of trial separations. I would agree that there are enough red flags to start some snooping to see who he may be communicating with.

At the same time, I would also get him to the doctor for a complete physical. It is best to rule out anything along those lines. Go with him, and make sure that your husband does not sugar coat any symptoms or answers.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Because although it is a generalization in large part it is true. I am still looking for the empty pod my new wife came from after she got the raise that surpassed by salary.


Generalization? Try "Iron Law."


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I am not a big fan of trial separations. I would agree that there are enough red flags to start some snooping to see who he may be communicating with.
> 
> At the same time, I would also get him to the doctor for a complete physical. It is best to rule out anything along those lines. Go with him, and make sure that your husband does not sugar coat any symptoms or answers.


:iagree: do above if you haven't already before considering a trial seperation...


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

No and definately dont do it with the idea that i hope he finds out b/c its for us somehow in your head. Sorry but i find that selfish and mean


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

Do you think maybe you just want to cheat to get his attention?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Lol at you pretending you have high morals

You gave a lot of detail and a person who thinks like you seem to be thinking is not typically of "high moral" you seek to help yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you completely missed the point of the counselor who asked him to at the speed limit for a week. It was not about the speed limit. It was about him doing things that you had asked him to do or not do. It was to see if he would do it. And if he did do it, what triggered in him. You see when people do something like promise one thing and do another… that’s passive aggressive.

And if they do not do the passive aggressive behavior, then it will trigger the reason that they are passive aggressive. 

From reading your posts, I think that your husband is being self-centered and passive aggressive. He’s doing things that make him look oh so self-sacrificing… working so hard. Going to school for ten years to better himself. But he never gets there. He never finishes.

But don’t you see how hard he’s working to live up to your expectations? How could you ever expect him to do anything more, you know like have fun, go on vacation, have wild monkey sex???? I mean come no. He’s the good guy and you are being selfish.

What degree is your husband working on? Is this his first bachelors? For 10 years? I guess if he’s going half time it could take 10 years. How much longer till he’s finished? What is he getting his degree in?’ 

I have a feeling that you asking him to read that book made him feel that you now think that the years of your sex life have been inadequate… after all they were not like some trashy romance novel. It would be similar to him showing you a porn site and telling you the he wants you to perform like those porn stars. 

Like many men, I think your husband might feel intimidated by your success, your higher earnings, etc. He’s angry and does not feel good about himself because of this. So he’s being passive aggressive. 

And now you are not only asking that he be more educated and earn more than he does… now you are asking for more, wilder sex… which means sex all along has been inferior. So he’s going to be more passive aggressive… more angry and he’s stuffing that anger, resentment and feeling that he does not quite live up to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> Lol at you pretending you have high morals
> 
> You gave a lot of detail and a person who thinks like you seem to be thinking is not typically of "high moral" you seek to help yourself.


I think that this post is out of hand and uncalled for. Attacking a person who comes here for support like this is just wrong.

She's not doing anything immoral. She's asking for help in dealing with a serious marital issue... a husband how will not give her the time of day.


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## Ms.R (Jun 4, 2012)

your husband has been studying for 10 years? kinda reminds me of my ex-boyfriend who did two Master's degrees and two PhD's, meanwhile totally neglecting me. On our 10th year I was screaming in his ear that I was getting crushes on other men and about to cheat. He still didn't listen. So I dumped him for someone else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ms.R said:


> your husband has been studying for 10 years? kinda reminds me of my ex-boyfriend who did two Master's degrees and two PhD's, meanwhile totally neglecting me. On our 10th year I was screaming in his ear that I was getting crushes on other men and about to cheat. He still didn't listen. So I dumped him for someone else.


How did he react when you dumped him? Was he surprised?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I think that this post is out of hand and uncalled for. Attacking a person who comes here for support like this is just wrong.
> 
> She's not doing anything immoral. She's asking for help in dealing with a serious marital issue... a husband how will not give her the time of day.


It was just my opinion someone of high moral does not contemplate cheating and making a post about it online.

Its best for her to divorce talking has failed for 10 years and she has been unhappy. Its best to divorce rather than live with further unhappy feelings and than possibly give into cheating which would only corrupt her and send her down a dark path. Never okay to cheat unless your forced into a marriage and you run away but aren't legally divorce that would be "cheating" but understandable. It would be a shame if she cheats or he cheats assuming he isn't cheating now already!. Its not pleasant to think of but it happens often and a lot of times when hubby is not interested or super busy for a long time its cause he is sleeping with someone else or several others. The fact this went on for so long shows that talking has failed the situation won't get better. Id advice her to leave now before she does something terrible and only also hurt herself more. Of course leaving for many folk is hard because they can't imagine life without ___ person.

Cheating is only okay in that one scenario I mentioned (imo) or in the case your spouse is cheating on you and your married and waiting to get divorced and you sleep with someone else than id feel for that person. Anything else is not justified although rather tempting to say at the least. I should of probably toned down my last response the "lol" is a little rude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> It was just my opinion someone of high moral does not contemplate cheating and making a post about it online.
> 
> Its best for her to divorce talking has failed for 10 years and she has been unhappy. Its best to divorce rather than live with further unhappy feelings and than possibly give into cheating which would only corrupt her and send her down a dark path. Never okay to cheat unless your forced into a marriage and you run away but aren't legally divorce that would be "cheating" but understandable. It would be a shame if she cheats or he cheats assuming he isn't cheating now already!. Its not pleasant to think of but it happens often and a lot of times when hubby is not interested or super busy for a long time its cause he is sleeping with someone else or several others. The fact this went on for so long shows that talking has failed the situation won't get better. Id advice her to leave now before she does something terrible and only also hurt herself more. Of course leaving for many folk is hard because they can't imagine life without ___ person.
> 
> ...


People think about a lot of things that they never do. The way I’m taking it is that she is brain storming on how to handle this hurtful situation she finds herself in.

I'd rather see a person come here and openly discuss and seek advice about the things that haunt their minds then ignore them. A person is more likely to act on a thought if they do not address that thought.

It is the actions that a person takes that are moral or immoral. Working through feelings and thoughts is not moral or immoral.


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## daddylonglegs (Jun 5, 2012)

I wouldn't cheat. Your relationship is dead if it comes to that. 

Do you have someone in mind to cheat with? Finding some dude off the street might lead to something ugly like herpes or hep B. 

Are you sure your husband doesn't have some sugar on the side? It just seems like there is something we aren't being told. Dudes who turn down sex? Say it ain't so!


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Thank you very much for all your support. I very much appreciate all the comments as they were very helpful.
We had a long talk at the end of last week that went better than ever before. Apparently, at the very beginning of our relationship, I have rejected him sexually a few times. He really took it personally and didn’t think it was appropriate to push me. I was very much surprised by that but at least I now know where he is coming from. He said he needs some time to readjust. I am not sure what is there to readjust, but whatever. He said he couldn’t understand why I want sex so much more now than ever before. He thought I was joking when I told him I was horny. Apparently I have done it before without really realizing it when I would come on to him, he would get all excited, then I would look at the clock, say it is time to go to work and just leave. I honestly never realized how much it hurt him. Talk about miscommunication. He never told me because he didn’t want to start a fight, but he said he now understands how bad of a decision that was. Over the last few days he does seem to try very hard to be more open. 
To EleGirl, after reading this forum I started to think that maybe he was being passive aggressive. But at the same time I started to find passive aggressive traits in myself, so I got totally confused. I also realized how wrong my own mother was when handling conflicts with me when I was growing up, and I am thinking now that I maybe copying that without realizing it. She would not talk to me for days after I had done something wrong. She was also very critical.
To Goldmember357 , have you never seriously thought about doing anything which you considered wrong? If so, then you are very very lucky. At some point I got so desperate that I didn’t care what happens or what I do. 
I did want to cheat to get his attention. No, I didn’t have a person in mind, and at some point the fear of an std or similar was the only thing stopping me. Yes, I know, I would have regretted it terribly, and I am really glad that you guys helped me realize that. I also think that I might have talked to my husband differently after reading all the comments here, and it made him react differently.
Overall he is a good guy and has many good qualities. As I said before I work with a lot of men, and I would never be able to have any sort of relationship with any of them due to various reasons.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

New guy here, I sympathize with you grisha. I'm dealing with depression issues with my wife and as expected, our sex life has suffered as a result. To make matters worse, I play in a rock band on weekends and meet a TON of attractive women all the time. I, like you, have a very high sex drive which is in stark contrast to my wife's. Whenever I try to discuss it with her, she will invariably say it's "MY" problem, not hers.

In my case, I think my ego is bigger than my sex drive, sometimes just knowing that the girl who bought me a drink between sets wants to sleep with me is enough. But, on the other hand, sometimes it makes me bitter that my wife can't feel the same way. 

Anyway, cheating will result in feeling GREAT for a short while, then feeling horribly guilty and then worrying about covering your tracks. Trust me, it's NOT worth it in the long run!

Hopefully you guys can communicate better and find a happy medium! It sounds like you're off to a good start! :smthumbup:


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## Ms.R (Jun 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How did he react when you dumped him? Was he surprised?


He totally didn't see it coming. He was totally dense...only thinking of his academic ambitions all those years (very self centered). He was shocked. It was a terrible and abrupt breakup.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Ms.R said:


> He totally didn't see it coming. He was totally dense...only thinking of his academic ambitions all those years (very self centered). He was shocked. It was a terrible and abrupt breakup.


If you found a permanent replacement, was it a better option then him? Emotionally, physically, financially, etc.

Do you have an idea how he is right now? Did he end with a better or worse companion than you were?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ms.R (Jun 4, 2012)

Yes, I found a replacement and that was seven years ago and we're now happily married!


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## Ms.R (Jun 4, 2012)

Re: my ex, I have no contact with him anymore...have no idea what he's doing with his life. Don't care.


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## jenniferswe (Apr 23, 2012)

cheating is never the answer. It just make things worse.


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