# Should I Tell Her Off or Just Walk



## Qwilleran (Jun 11, 2011)

I’m a newbie to the site so I would like to start off by saying hello to all!

I am currently separated for the last 18 months after a 25 year marriage. I am 48 and my spouse is 46. I would like to tell my story and ask for your insights, comments, and thoughts regarding my particular situation. I’ll try to keep this short as possible.

We started dating when she was 19 and I was 21. We met by accident as I was talking with a mutual friend of ours at the shopping mall where I worked at the time. My wife saw us, walked up and said hello. Her friend introduced us and after a short conversation with both I went back to work thinking nothing of the encounter. After finishing work I bumped into her friend having coffee in the food court so I sat down to chat. I didn’t realize my future wife was sitting a few tables away watching. The next thing I know my future wife stormed past the table I was sitting at and loudly swore at me calling me a jerk and then left the building in tears. I was dumfounded. I got up and went home not sure of what just happened. Later that evening I get a phone call from my future spouse explaining that she got my phone number from our mutual friend. She said she was under the impression I was going to join her for coffee after I got off of work and that was why she blew up. She wanted to meet and talk some more so a few days later we did just that. We seemed to hit it off remarkably well and started dating. All was well for the first few months. One early morning I joined her at a local restaurant. She seemed in a ***** mood for some reason. I asked her what was wrong and she turned to me with a burning rage in her eyes and told me to get the F#### out of her life! Seeing I was totally stunned and hurt by this sudden unexpected outburst she followed it up with “What are you gonna do, Cry!” At this point I stood up and walked out. Looking back at that moment I wish I would have kept walking and not stopped. She followed me after a couple of minutes and readily apologized saying she was tired. I let the incident go giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Within 9 months we were married. She appeared to be the proverbial soul mate. We had very little when we first got married but we seemd content to work together to improve our life as a couple. Inviting a few friends over shortly after we moved into our first apartment for dinner was the next event. Trying to create a good sauce for the meal my wife was having some problems. A few guests came into the kitchen to help. The next thing I know my wife loudly expressed that she was capable and did not like them butting in. We quickly finished up, had dinner and they left. They never came back. My wife told me she also blew up because one girl seemed to be making a pass at me which was not true. For a while after this everything was fine.

One day coming home from work she was standing inside the apartment waiting for me. She blurted out she wanted to leave, burst into tears and went outside to her father’s car that was waiting for her. I was in total shock. I questioned myself over and over what had I done to make her go. I had not cheated on her, did not go out with the guys, did not drink or beat her, helped clean at home and I was working bringing money in to pay the bills. I was at a loss. I called her parents pleading with them to have her come back. Later that evening she returned and said that she wanted to find a nicer apartment as our current one wasn’t great but it was what we could afford initially. I agreed and we moved.

All was well in the new place for a year or two. I was working 3 jobs to bring in more money and started taking evening classes to enhance my resume. One evening when I came home she was waiting again with that look I had seen before on her face. She said she wanted to go for a walk which we did. She said she didn’t feel right about us and when we returned home she packed some things into a suitcase and went home to her parents. She stayed there for a week and I was a wreck. Again I had no idea what was causing the problem. I called her during the evenings and after a week she returned. She said she wasn’t sure herself what the problem was. I suggested couples counseling but she felt we could work out our problems by ourselves. Shortly after I was unexpectedly laid off from one of my part time jobs. When I called her to tell her the news her comment was “That’s Great!!” “I have to go”. She hung up the phone on her end.

Within a year of this incident I had started a new job. She had started a new job as well and all seemed OK. One day driving her to work she mentioned they were having a X-Mas party at her work. I asked if spouses were allowed to which she said she hadn’t asked me as she was afraid I would embarass her. I was shocked and hurt. I am a quiet guy, not beligerent, not big on partying, and I manage to get along with just about everyone I meet. She went to the party without me and I didn’t push her for an explanation.

Again I was coming home from work one day a while after this when she greeted me with this utter look of contempt in her eyes. She screamed we were through. She said she loved me but was not in love with me. She said she would never have a child with me and on and on. I was utterly crushed by the sheer cruelty of the words being hurled at me. She packed her things and left to go to her parents again. That week while at my work I would call her to try to talk and work things out. She would just scream into the phone that the marriage was over and hang up. Two weeks later she suddenly appeared at my door and said she wanted to try to make it work. I was so happy to see her I immediately agreed and swore I would do everything I could to make her happy.

Shortly after we bought our first house. About a year later we were going to a social put on by one of her coworkers. I didn’t know anyone at the social as they were her coworkers. I agreed to go anyway. After sitting at our table for over an hour her coworkers had little to say to me and I was at a loss as to how to continue so I excused myself to use the washroom and check out the rest of the building housing the social. About 20 minutes later as I was entering the social hall my wife stormed up to me demanding to know where I was. I explained. She then took the camera she was holding and smashed it on the floor to bits. Screaming that I had embarrassed her and ruined her life she demanded to go home. On the drive home we said nothing but as soon as she got out the car she screamed that she wanted a divorce and stormed inside. During a heated exchange over what just happened she yelled at me stating she would treat me any way she wanted. I was numb with disbelief. For the next 4 months we slept in separate rooms. At this point I had enough and called a real estate agent to put the house up for sale. The agent met us at home and talked over the sales agreement. I signed on the dotted line and shortly after went to bed. Around midnight my wife came into my room in tears. She said she was shocked I had signed the sale agreement so speedily and wanted to know why I had not tried to fix the relationship. She had given me the cold shoulder for 4 months so I told her I was done. At that moment she burst into more tears and admitted to having an affair with a guy at her work. She said they had only done the deed once and broke it off. I stood there dumbfounded as I had no idea this had been happening. Looking back it made sense. She didn’t want me attending her work parties. I had previously found email messages between her and another guy at work that seemed to be suggesting a bit of hanky panky but she said it was harmless fun. In the end I forgave her and she said she wanted to start a family. Several years after my daughter was born she told me she had sent her ex lover pictures of our daughter. I also caught her exchanging emails with him in which he gloated how many times they actually had sex. She said he had found her on Facebook. I asked her to tell me what they had really done. She gave me this stare as cold as death and then pretended to slap my face as a warning that I had better not push it. I had never seen this stare before. It was like she was possessed. It gave me the willies to be honest so I shut up.

In hindsight there were a lot of odd behaviors of hers that I pushed to the back of my mind.

She always had excuses why we couldn’t take vacations together. Her work schedule would not allow her to have the same days off. The dogs had to be looked after as a kennel would not do, etc, etc etc. Once I brought her back an expensive gold necklace from a vacation I had taken my daughter on as my wife said she could not go. Instead of receiving and sort of thank you from my wife she launched into a spiteful tirade that I should have known that the jewelry she wore was silver and I dared to bring her back gold. The insinuation was that I knew nothing about what she liked. My thought at the time of purchasing it was that it was beautiful and I just wanted to do something nice for her. Besides, her wedding bands are gold!


I took my daughter to almost all her events alone as my wife was busy at home completing projects for her work. I would leave her in our office room working away as she always seemed so busy. Right after she announced she wanted a divorce this time around I asked her about her being busy in the computer room all the time. She said that she was bored and it gave her something to do. The implication being that I ignored her.

She would say things like she wanted to go to a movie with a coworker now and then who was male but refused because she thought I would get mad. She never liked the people at my work and when she attended one or two of my parties at work she would tell me after how she didn’t care for them. After a while I stopped attending these events.

I have been called F###ing useless, F###ing stupid. She told me once that she will treat me any way she wants.

After she completed some additional schooling I wanted to attend her graduation ceremony out of town but she said she didn’t want to drive because it was winter. I decided to surprise her so I had her diplomas beautifully framed. Upon receiving this gift she asked why I had wasted the money... where were we going to hang them? I felt deflated but managed to find a spot to place them.

On top of this she has had explosive rage episodes over the years. She has gotten into intense verbal fights with people at the local grocer, a neighbor across the street, other family members etc. In fact, we had to move from our first house due to a violent verbal fight she had with the neighbors on either side of us. She was in our backyard at the time talking on the phone. The neighbors on either side of us were also out back. One of them shouted hi to the other across the fence. My wife exploded. She called both of them F###ing jerks for interrupting her on the phone. One neighbor told her off at which point my wife decided to swear obsenities at his wife who was also outside. After a yelling match we all went back inside. The next morning the one neighbor came over to make peace. We invited them in and apologized and showed them around the house. But this was not the end of the incident. About a month later I received an anonymous tape sent to my work. On the tape is my wife supposedly having a conversation with one of our best friends. They are expressing there interest in each other with my wife reassuring him that I am at work on certain days so there is nothing to be afraid of with regards to me finding out. I am sure the neighbor who was an electronics wiz bugged our house. Whether the tape is totally accurate I cannot say. It had it’s effect and we were forced to move. Interestingly when I confronted my wife about the tape she denied any knowledge of it. Being quite upset over the matter I again mentioned counseling if there were indeed any problems. Her cold reply was that I sucked at sex.

Eighteen months ago we were all in the tv room. My daughter and I were playing cards as my wife was playing with her Ipod. She turned to me and questioned why I hadn’t asked her to join. I told her that I didn’t want to disturb what she was doing. I decided to ask her if she would indeed like to join us. She just mumbled no thanks.

The following day the two of us were sitting at the dinner table. She seemed in a miserable mood. I looked at her and asked her if she wanted a divorce. She stared at me and said yes. I then asked if she wanted to try couples counseling. She just mumbled “If you think it would help”. At this point I gave up. We asked our daughter to join us and broke the news. She was devastated.

Next day my wife and I started drawing up a separation agreement. For the next month I helped her purchase anything she would need for her move as we agreed I should stay in the home with my daughter. My wife found a place nearby to rent and at the beginning of the month which would have marked our 25th wedding anniversary she moved out with my help. The separation has been amicable so far. But I have found out some interesting things which confirmed my suspicions.

When she was getting ready to leave she was strangely undisturbed. You would think that ending a 25 year relationship would produce some emotion. She was a cool as a cucumber. I had a feeling she was seeing someone else. My daughter has been telling me of this male friend of mom’s that comes around 3 or 4 times a week to her place. She said that Mom was just friends with the guy but even she had her doubts. Funny thing is a friend at my work went to a rock concert held in our city a month before my wife left our home. A few days after the concert my friend noticed that my wife had posted a thank you letter on the bands website detailing how she had met her “boyfriend” recently and that they enjoyed the concert. I found out from my daughter that the friend was our local transit driver whom my wife mentioned several times in the past year as she does not drive. Another funny thing is how he is a curling fanatic. He goes to curling games with his kid from his own broken marriage. My wife attends these games with them as my daughter has joined them on occasion. This is quite interesting as my wife would never go for walks with me around the block during the winter claiming that her hands would always freeze. She has yet to mention that she has been with this guy even before she left.

I finally decided to let my wife know that I knew she had a boyfriend so I emailed her the beginning of this week. I sent a strongly worded letter telling her to respect my daughter's right not to play secret keeper among her parents and that this was wrong and to come clean and tell the truth about her boyfriend. Her reply was that I was so angry toward her she didn't want to say anything. She lied in her email stating that they only started dating after our separation when in fact it started before she left. She also said she did not start dating this guy until my daughter gave her the OK. However, my daughter told me that my wife said to her that it wasn't her decision to make.

I could go on but I think i’ve said enough. I would like to hear from others on the board. Does it appear she suffers from BPD or NPD or do you think it’s more a case of a woman who never wanted to be in the marriage in the first place. I am at a total loss. I have stayed true to my marriage vows, encouraged my wife to obtain her degree, worked my butt off to make sure money was always coming in, never came home drunk or beat my wife. What on earth have I done to have to endure sh#t like this?????? On one hand I feel like sending her a letter ripping into her for all the lies, infidelity, emotional and verbal abuse she has put me through for 25 years. She doesn't know yet that I have proof that her present boyfriend started as an affair. I have kept that to myself as a test to see how truthful she would be about this relationship..... she lied again! On the other hand I think I should file for divorce before she does and just walk away, wish her and her boyfriend well and be done with it. 


Qwill


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

She's Bat**** Crazy. This is nothing to do with your ability to be in a relationship with anyone, she's just Bat**** Crazy.

You might like the link below. 

http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2011/02/running-game-on-bat****-crazy-women.html


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Hi, you seem like you have been a great husband. I wish mine would have been as considerate as you. 
If you feel telling her off will make you feel better and give you closure I say go for it. 
After reading all that I cannot believe you stayed 25 years! 
You should file for divorce, you have done all you can for her. Show her that you are strong after 25 years it is time to walk away. She seriously needs some sort of psychological therapy. She should have been on treatment long ago, her behavior will affect your daughter greatly so maybe you should talk to her parents about that because it seems like she will only blow up on you if you mention anything like that directly to her. File for divorce, take care or yourself, and your daughter and know that one day you will meet someone who will truly treat you as you deserve


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Wow, I am amazed you survived 25 years of being with someone who treats you like that. Like everyone, you probably are not perfect (especially under that kind of scenario) and there are things you could have done differently, but based on what you've shared on here you are obviously the responsible one and frankly you've endured enough - you have every right to do whatever you want at this point and don't feel remorse or guilt about it. Run and feel the wind man!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you thank the boyfriend for taking her off your hands. From your post I think sometime around 9 to 12 months from now he will then get the jest.

He may even open up and ask some personal questions with regards to you wife. Then with a smile on your face you will get the validation in what a nut your ex is.

Just like when some one you love dies, you just move on!


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Wow! Her temper tantrum at the very beginning should have given you a huge warning of what she was about.

But I do know what it's like and I've said it before here. Love is BLIND and we seem to always overlook what is obvious.

You have endured a lot and in spite of having a daughter, I would be inclined to go ahead with the divorce and not look back. Have a good talk with your daughter and I think she would understand.

After all these years, I don't think that your wife will change. At least NOT with you since she now knows what she can and cannot get away with. I was in a similar situation with my first wife and after we finally got divorced and I got over being hurt, I realized that I should have left her MUCH earlier. All those wasted years being the doormat!

You're still a young man at 48 and I'm sure that you'll be able to find someone who will treat you better.

But if I were you, I would take a break and not rush into any relationships. Enjoy being yourself and not having to deal with the stress that you've been dealing with all these years.

Good Luck in whatever you decide to do


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Ever hear of Job? I think you are in line for sainthood. I don't know how you lived through so much rage. Is there any signs of drug or alcohol abuse? If not, she made desperately need therapy. 

You may find IC therapeutic as well just because you lived in an abusive relationship for so long. Why?

I am not a professional in any way, just a middle-aged lady who enjoys men immensely and so had quite a few. But I found any strange incidents in actions and words usually indicated a problem with that person NOT me.

Run for the hills....this is not healthy for you. Don't start dating until you have healed and are really ready because you do not want to attract the same type again. Be careful, heal yourself. It will happen in time. 

You are only 48, that's great! Do the things you have always wanted to do or new things, enjoy your little girl too.


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## Qwilleran (Jun 11, 2011)

I just want to say thanks to everyone here for giving me your feedback regarding my particular situation! Your input is very much appreciated and I will take the advise given to heart. 

Reading over the many posts on this forum has made me realize the enormity of the problems people face in their personal relationships. It's staggering and at the same time quite sad. I don't think any of us here walked down the marriage aisle realizing the extent of the challenges we would face and be tested with as time went on. I know I surly was not prepared to deal with the events that occurred throughout my 25 year relationship. 

I've learned a lot about myself these past 18 months trying to figure out the why in what occurred over that time. In my case I think my childhood in some way contributed to my personal flaws that did not help my marriage. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was addicted to prescription drugs. There was constant physical, emotional and verbal abuse. I grew up as a "parentified child".... me being the parent to my parents. I was the calming influence between the two. Don't get me wrong, I loved my parents and still do to this day. I don't have any lingering hate towards them. I truly think they tried to do the best they could but did not have the personal skills to cope with their personal problems. Theirs was a shotgun marriage. The "survival skills" I learned living in that environment were to be quiet, ride out the storms and wait for the calm to settle, don't rock the boat by being confrontational. Now looking back I realize I never set any personal boundaries for myself regarding what I would consider acceptable or not acceptable behavior towards me in my own marriage from my SO. Please let this be a lesson you people take from my own personal hell. Respect yourself because you can't count on others to give you that respect.


My wife's mother is Bipolar and her dad was an emotionless robot. I think some of that has no doubt played a part in her behavior. Funny thing is I don't hate her as a person, it's her behavior that I can't stand! I do know that she has to hit rock bottom at some point in her life because that's what it's going to take I think for her to wake up, do some serious soul searching, and seek help for her troubles. All I know is that the person I thought I knew may have in fact never existed. It's frightening but true.

I wish you all peace!

Qwill


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Qwill 

Two things come to mind:

Clinical paranoia
Cocaine

The second one is easy enough to check for. You can get an at home kit for about $40 from Walgreens etc. Also check for disappearing cash.

The first one is harder detect since it has no empirical diagnosis. There's no 'test'. But I bet if she were go to a qualified psychiatrist that is what they would say.


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