# Wedding rings



## Lavender_71 (Aug 4, 2019)

Is asking my separated husband if I should take off my rings a start of a fight? I asked him and he said he didn’t want to fight. He sends me mixed messages and I was honestly just hoping for a no but does that sound like a fight starter? Was I in the wrong?


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Lavender_71 said:


> Is asking my separated husband if I should take off my rings a start of a fight? I asked him and he said he didn’t want to fight. He sends me mixed messages and I was honestly just hoping for a no but does that sound like a fight starter? Was I in the wrong?


You are separated.... why are you even asking him? By asking him....is sending him mixed signals.


----------



## Lavender_71 (Aug 4, 2019)

Not legally separated...he just wanted time and space but it’s been almost 11 weeks now. I have no idea how this goes. We’ve been married 26 years our entire adult lives. So I have no clue how it works. Don’t want to have them on if he doesn’t want me to?


----------



## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

Why do you need to ask him? Do you want to keep wearing them? Do you think you will stay together? I took mine off when I realized that my marriage was truly over and there was no chance for reconciliation. 

You need to think about what it means to you to wear your rings.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm still wearing mine, despite being separated. And my wife is still wearing hers... the separation is not 100% official (my family don't know about it, some of her family don't know about it)... I guess after that, it will come off. But I'm not asking my wife! I have instigated the separation after my wife decided she didn't want to have sex with me anymore... ever... :laugh:


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Lavender_71 said:


> Is asking my separated husband if I should take off my rings a start of a fight? I asked him and he said he didn’t want to fight. He sends me mixed messages and I was honestly just hoping for a no but does that sound like a fight starter? Was I in the wrong?


What I see here is you trying to start a conversation. You need to really think about what it is you want to say to him. It's not about the rings. You want to know if this is the end of the relationship, or does he want to work on reconciliation.

You were not in the wrong, but you were talking in riddles. He was avoiding the discussion by saying you were starting a fight. Next time, don't hand him a way to wriggle out of the discussion. Sit down with him and ask him what he wants to do, work on the relationship or end it. You have to be prepared to hear that it's over.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

So why he's off in his "space" (which is probably his girlfriend's arms) you're willing to keep up the farce that you're still a happily married couple. Why is that? 

Take the damn rings off, you don't need his permission, asking him makes you look weak.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's sending mixed messages in case whatever he's been doing for almost three months doesn't work out. Don't want to be his Plan B? Take the rings off and move on. He's living his life. You need to live yours.

PS
"Time and space" means he's dating.


----------



## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

If you don't feel your marriage is over yet, then don't take them off.

If you do/want it to be over, then do take them off.

Signal to him: Not wearing your rings means you're open to advances from others.

All that being said, I have no idea the circumstances of your separation.

If he does want you to sit at home waiting/crying over him while he's with someone else....then why bother wearing the rings? It's not like he's with you any more. 

And yeah, like another poster mentioned, you were probably trying to get an answer/conversation from him is why you asked. You asked...he answered. Act accordingly. You don't really need his permission to wear the rings if you want to.


----------



## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

It's not the start of a fight, how could it be. It could be the start of a discussion about where your relationship is at though.

I noticed you said you wanted him to say no (keep them on).
You also said that you didn't want to wear them if he didn't want you to.

But the decision is yours. 
Leaving them on will not affect him in anyway, only you, if you feel they have significant meaning.
Taking them off might not affect him either. 
Does he wear a wedding ring?

I no longer wear my wedding ring and I'm married. It felt like a huge step to take it off, so I know how the wearing of it can impact you emotionally.

If you do take them off, when, why or how would you want to start wearing them again? What circumstances would cause you to put them back on? 
Would you need a renewal of vows or an apology?

Just try taking them off af night, see how you feel


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

There's separation and then there's separation. 

There's the kind of separation where people are in the process of divorce, and have no plans or intention to reunite. In that type of separation, it would seem reasonable to stop wearing rings if that is what they want to do.

Then there's the kind of separation where people are open to trying to repair the marriage, but there are some issues/tensions/problems at home which lead to conflicts. By temporarily removing the parties from that conflict, it allows the couple to work on the relationship issues. The goal is that once the relationship issues are resolved, then they can resume cohabitating, and the improved relationship would be able to deal with the daily tensions in a healthy manner.

In this second kind of separation, where the expectation is that the marriage can be repaired, it seems that the rings should stay on. The rings are a sign of a commitment, and in that case, the parties are still committed to the relationship--that's why they are trying to repair it. It should go without saying that the couple should also NOT be dating/becoming involved with other people--you can't put your effort in repairing a relationship if you are expending all that energy and attention elsewhere.

So, it seems to me, that the real question is not "should we still be wearing rings?", but rather, "what is the goal of the separation?".


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lavender_71 said:


> Not legally separated...he just wanted time and space but it’s been almost 11 weeks now. I have no idea how this goes. We’ve been married 26 years our entire adult lives. So I have no clue how it works. Don’t want to have them on if he doesn’t want me to?


Its your decision not his. I think its too early to take them off, you are not getting divorced.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

It's been nearly 3 months. That's long enough for him to know whether or not he wants to work on the marriage. Stop playing rings games and tell him to make a decision.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay, remember, you deleted your old thread. So, most of the other posters responses are taking you at face value. 

After reading the text and explanation in your other thread, yes it could lead to a fight. Your husband doesn’t trust you. Unfortunately, the person who asked the most pertinent questions and dug into your missing posts is in self imposed exile.

The answer is yes, based on the small information I read, it could lead to a fight.

If he said “yes,” there could be an argument about why you are still separated.
If he said “no,” there could be an argument about why you are still separated.


To avoid a potential fight, he answered in such a way as to defuse the situation.


----------



## Lavender_71 (Aug 4, 2019)

No he doesn’t have a girlfriend to those who imply that. I lost his trust and am trying to regain it. This is all foreign to me so idk wtf I’m doing at all. I just texted a simple sorry to him. I have no clue what to do now but just leave him alone as all he tells me is he’s figuring **** out and that he will always love me. Other than that he just shut me out when it has anything to do with us.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

In a previous thread, you mentioned undergoing intensive therapy. Hasn't that helped you to make decisions on your own? To listen to your own inner voice? To trust your choices?


----------



## Lavender_71 (Aug 4, 2019)

Yes I am still going. I’m trying to work on myself. Right now at this point I give up on trying anymore with him. I have spent the last five months trying and giving and getting nothing much back in return. I realize I screwed up but I have also changed a lot for the better. Do need to keep on working on myself and put myself first from now on. Putting him first has gotten me nowhere at all.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Lavender_71 said:


> Yes I am still going. I’m trying to work on myself. Right now at this point I give up on trying anymore with him. I have spent the last five months trying and giving and getting nothing much back in return. I realize I screwed up but I have also changed a lot for the better. Do need to keep on working on myself and put myself first from now on. Putting him first has gotten me nowhere at all.


You show a lot of strength here. You've admitted your mistakes, you are working to become a better person. Sometimes a relationship is too broken to save but you are picking up the pieces of your life and moving on. It seems at this point that you've decided that if you keep trying to work on getting back together, you are only putting off moving forward with your life. No matter what mistakes you've made, you still have the rest of your life to live and there's no point wasting it on living in the past.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Lavender_71 said:


> Yes I am still going. I’m trying to work on myself. Right now at this point I give up on trying anymore with him. I have spent the last five months trying and giving and getting nothing much back in return. I realize I screwed up but I have also changed a lot for the better. Do need to keep on working on myself and put myself first from now on. Putting him first has gotten me nowhere at all.


I remember your other thread, vaguely, but not what you did to lose his trust. Can you remind me?

That said, you need to take the bull by the horns if you want resolution. He's had almost 3 months. Tell him you won't live in limbo anymore, you can't regain his trust and repair the marriage if you are not together. Tell him he has one week to make a decision or you will do it for him and file.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lavender_71 said:


> Is asking my separated husband if I should take off my rings a start of a fight? I asked him and he said he didn’t want to fight. He sends me mixed messages and I was honestly just hoping for a no but does that sound like a fight starter? Was I in the wrong?


You're a grown woman. Why do you need to 'ask' HIM whether to wear your rings or not?

Stop handing him all your power and letting HIM make all the decisions about *your* life. It makes you look weak and needy.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lavender_71 said:


> No he doesn’t have a girlfriend to those who imply that. I lost his trust and am trying to regain it. This is all foreign to me so idk wtf I’m doing at all. I just texted a simple sorry to him. I have no clue what to do now but just leave him alone as all he tells me is he’s figuring **** out and that he will always love me. Other than that he just shut me out when it has anything to do with us.


How are we supposed to know what kind of advice to give you if you're not telling us WHY he left? It was mentioned that you deleted your old thread but the truth is, we shouldn't have to go digging through all your old posts just to get an idea of what your situation is.

So...did he leave you due to you cheating on him? Running him into debt without his knowledge? Did you sell off his coin collection without him knowing?

It's just really hard to give advice blindly.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Lavender_71 said:


> Is asking my separated husband if I should take off my rings a start of a fight? I asked him and he said he didn’t want to fight. He sends me mixed messages and I was honestly just hoping for a no but does that sound like a fight starter? Was I in the wrong?


Yes, this is game playing and baiting. If my spouse asked me this, I would say yes and start packing.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Cooper said:


> So why he's off in his "space" (which is probably his girlfriend's arms) you're willing to keep up the farce that you're still a happily married couple. Why is that?
> 
> Take the damn rings off, you don't need his permission, asking him makes you look weak.


interesting supposition that wearing a wedding ring is supposed to suggest happiness in that status? Are there people who wear them, or not, as an indication of their present standing with their partner? 

More likely I might see wearing one or not as an indication of availability or long term thinking. 

Says the guy who hasn’t worn one in 10 years due to swelling of the joints in his fingers.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may forgive whatever it is that you did or he may not. But almost three months is a long time for him to decide what he's going to do. And unless you've got a camera on him every moment you don't really know what he's doing. He wanted apparently unlimited time and space and you agreed to give him that. So let go and live your life.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> How are we supposed to know what kind of advice to give you if you're not telling us WHY he left? It was mentioned that you deleted your old thread but the truth is, we shouldn't have to go digging through all your old posts just to get an idea of what your situation is.
> 
> So...did he leave you due to you cheating on him? Running him into debt without his knowledge? Did you sell off his coin collection without him knowing?
> 
> It's just really hard to give advice blindly.





Lavender_71 said:


> I really don’t wanna open that whole thing up again. I betrayed him but hiding takin pills behind his back for a. Few years. Told him and went right to rehab April 1st and I’m still clean. He came back after 5 weeks for a month and then he left again 2 months ago Monday. I’ve been pushing him and seeing him and having sex with him but haven’t seen him for 2 weeks now. He has been asking me to get help cuz he wants me strong and all. Thought I could do it myself but i cannot. I’m in so much pain...we’ve been together 26 years our entire adult lives.


Still missing a ton, but it helps a bit. Something happened that made him leave again. The dude has a very interesting take in her other thread.


----------

