# 7 Things Sex Education Should Have Taught Us But Didn't...



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

All my married life I wished that I received a more thorough sex education than, "Once you get your period you can become pregnant, so avoid boys because they can get you pregnant. Also, all boys care about is getting into your pants so keep your legs closed and avoid them. Did I mention to avoid boys?":scratchhead:

Anyway, I stayed a virgin until marriage and trying to deprogram myself to love sex with my husband was a battle, still is. I found this article and I hope that we change our ways as a society in educating our young ones about something that will mean so much to them in their love lives.

7 Things Sex Education Should Have Taught Us But Didn’t — The Good Men Project


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

That was a good article. My parents had zero ability to discuss sex. They never express affection around us. They never kissed or hugged when I was child. OK, my father came from a different culture, but he was psychiatrist. He was supposed to advise people about sex.

From the article:



> People are different. Men and women are also different. These things are not mutually exclusive.
> 
> We know men and women are different. We know this from a wide range of neurological and psychological studies. We know from studying how gays and lesbians interact with one another. We know from primatology and the obvious dimorphism of our species.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Someone started a TAM thread about women becoming sexually bored with their husbands. This article suggests that such a phenomenon is possible. It is nothing to be angry about. The reason marriage was established was to help couples live in more stable relationships. Marriage is implicitly an admission that there are strong urges to move on or seek other partners.

Better sex education should include information about the weakness of marriage, especially when husbands and wives do not understand the life cycle. We change as we age. Even our sexuality is affected.


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My sex education? The city streets. All the books and teachers in the world couldn't have topped that.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

OMG!!! Number 5 should be taught every year for girls beginning age 12 and every year for boys beginning age 14!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Forgot to add....




techmom said:


> All my married life I wished that I received a more thorough sex education than, "Once you get your period you can become pregnant, so avoid boys because they can get you pregnant. Also, all boys care about is getting into your pants so keep your legs closed and avoid them. Did I mention to avoid boys?":scratchhead:
> 
> Anyway, I stayed a virgin until marriage and trying to deprogram myself to love sex with my husband was a battle, still is. I found this article and I hope that we change our ways as a society in educating our young ones about something that will mean so much to them in their love lives.
> 
> 7 Things Sex Education Should Have Taught Us But Didn’t — The Good Men Project




Bravo techmom!


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I was raised to wait 'til marriage to have sex. So I did that, so did my wife and we taught our children that. Based on some of my children's experience, and based on so many people's accounts of their marital challenges and experiences - I believe that premarital sex and cohabitation are absolute musts. Those who do this have a chance at understanding whether a long-term, legally binding commitment to the other will make them happy. Those who don't do this are rolling the dice IMO.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

#6 is spot on:

"_But what should also be taught is how men and women’s sex drives differ, how women are more sexually fluid in their desires, how men are more physical and visually oriented in arousal, and how, on average (across populations, across cultures, and in female-to-male transsexuals), they usually want to have sex more often and with a wider variety of partners._​"


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

That really was a great article!


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I find that on one hand society wants women to be more sexual, but on the other hand we degrade them for doing so. When we teach girls about sex we need to avoid making men into monsters. It is bad enough that we teach them shame about their menstral cycle, we don't celebrate that time of a girls life. We hand them the sanitary napkin and teach them to hide it and be discreet. Don't tell anyone that you are menstrating. This teaches girls to grow into women who are ashamed of their body processes and who fear male sexuality. The same women get married to men who expect a sexual fulfilling relationship. 

Lord have mercy, we wonder why there are so many sexless marriages!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

techmom said:


> I find that on one hand society wants women to be more sexual, but on the other hand we degrade them for doing so. When we teach girls about sex we need to avoid making men into monsters.
> 
> *A former colleague of mine urged me to read a book called in defense of modesty (not the title but I can't recall it now) whose basic idea was to praise the natural tendency of girls to avoid exposing themselves sexually. From a biological point of view this makes perfect sense; an adolescent hunter gatherer woman child needed to hold off suitors until she could survive childbirth.
> 
> ...


Did you see that movie about the Aron Ralston who had to cut off his arm? One of the scenes was about masturbation. Did he or didn't he? Here is an article which implies that he did.

Tells you something about male sexuality: facing death men will beat off a couple of more times. Can women relate to that?

When women face death do they think about rubbing one out?


----------



## hernpaqa (Nov 4, 2013)

All the books and teachers in the world couldn't have topped that.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Long walk, I have never...OMG ... When facing death, would a woman wish to rub one last one out. Can't. Stop. Laughing.....

Um no. Facing death, thoughts race to loved ones and regrets for things left unsaid, paths unexplored. Rubbing one out is not an unexplored path... Now maybe someone who had abstained her whole life....

I don't think I understand your meaning when you say women have good reason to be conservative in terms of modesty? 

Both girls and boys go through a very modest stage as their body's change in puberty. But since boys tend to be competition oriented while girls tend to be relation oriented, how they cope and come through the modesty stage is very different. And as always, the rule isn't black or white but resides on a scale of shades.

Men would like to have many partners... While women are select... I don't want to pick a fight but it really feels like you are kind of assigning gender roles based on 1950's beliefs about gender. Maybe I am misreading your words?

During the height of my sex drive years, had I been given carte blanche (and didn't have a history of not trusting men at all) I would have been happy to bed a number of men and perhaps a few select women. The drive was there, but I had enough inhibitions not to follow through. I believe this is the same for most men. The drive is there, they simply ignore it.

We do a great disservice to our children when they are raised to feel shame about their bodies, shame about their burgeoning sexual urges and we don't take the time to fully explain human sexuality.

The best gift we can give our children is to teach them to understand themselves, to express themselves and to be a good friend. Better than Allegra tutoring, better than ballet, better than baseball. Most parents would on the surface agree to this and yet how much time do the spend teaching their child all about their body as opposed to teaching them how to clean their room.

"Forget chores today kids! Today we learn to masturbate. Now who knows about the clitoris?":rofl:


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

techmom said:


> I find that on one hand society wants women to be more sexual, but on the other hand we degrade them for doing so. When we teach girls about sex we need to avoid making men into monsters. It is bad enough that we teach them shame about their menstral cycle, we don't celebrate that time of a girls life. We hand them the sanitary napkin and teach them to hide it and be discreet. Don't tell anyone that you are menstrating. This teaches girls to grow into women who are ashamed of their body processes and who fear male sexuality. The same women get married to men who expect a sexual fulfilling relationship.
> 
> Lord have mercy, we wonder why there are so many sexless marriages!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are right!

Having daughters I know I have been guilty of the dire warning, "once your reputation goes, you don't get it back." "Boys are after one thing!"

I didn't make those warning with my youngest. We are trying to teach her that boys have a rather strong sex drive but they also want to be love and accepted just like girls do. It's a very difficult balancing act. But she tells me all sorts of things and if she doesn't tell me, she has her older sisters to guide her and for that I am thankful! I don't want to raise the town harlot, but I also don't want to get hurt.

It's so hard.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Men would like to have many partners... While women are select... I don't want to pick a fight but it really feels like you are kind of assigning gender roles based on 1950's beliefs about gender. Maybe I am misreading your words?


Being selective doesn't mean not wanting more than one (or a few partners).... just being selective about who with (that seems to get mixed up ALOT).


----------



## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> You are right!
> 
> Having daughters I know I have been guilty of the dire warning, "once your reputation goes, you don't get it back." "Boys are after one thing!"
> 
> ...


The thing is, 'boys' vary, from each other, and from themselves at different times. 
(As do girls.)

There can frequently be a time when some boys do only want one thing, and others actually want a relationship. But those boys that only wanted one thing can want other things later - and it can change more than once, in more than one way.

Some girls only want one thing - really. Fewer in proportion than boys, but they do exist.

I think the ideal solution is to teach them as much as possible about why people feel and act the way they do (difficult for people with raging hormones - i.e. everyone, really) so that they understand what they're feeling, what others' motivations are, and why what they think they feel isn't necessarily real (most difficult of all, I fear.)

If we can keep them safe(ish) until they do understand, they have a better chance of being happy well adjusted adults, I think.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Long walk, I have never...OMG ... When facing death, would a woman wish to rub one last one out. Can't. Stop. Laughing.....
> 
> Um no. Facing death, thoughts race to loved ones and regrets for things left unsaid, paths unexplored. Rubbing one out is not an unexplored path... Now maybe someone who had abstained her whole life....
> 
> ...


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Growing up on and around farms / small holdings "SexEd" did little to inform me of the mechanics of sex they and the STD lectures they gave (and maybe still give) to young servicemen did give me more than enough information on the importance of "protecting yourself and your partner" for infection / unintended pregnancies.

I am the son of a very "old-fashioned" father and I have continued many of my father’s "old-fashioned" ideals. My father explained to me (in over simplistic terms) that I should not get into a relationship with a girl I would not be happy to introduce to my mother and that I should aspire to be the sort of boy that young girls would be proud to introduce to their fathers (this was known as the Sunday Lunch test).

Despite reaching my teen's in the 1970's I did not follow the crowd down the route off promiscuity but instead made my own mind up that for me sex would only be part of a "committed long term relationship" (for both my wife and myself that was our marriage) and I have tried to pass on the idea of waiting for that commitment to my children as they reach puberty.

IMHO there is nothing wrong with having a sexual relationship outside of marriage (as for many it is just a bit of paper) but it should not be devalued by self indulgence outside of a "committed long term relationship".

I also believe that it is important to explian to our children that there is much more to relationships than sex but that is a whole new thread.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I didn't care for the article ...it thumbs it's nose at others views not taking everyone into account....I didn't read it all...but enough....I didn't even find it very subtle really...the agenda is very clear ....it puts down all and any of us who hold a more old fashioned model of sexuality..or a Romantic notion.....those who see some value in waiting, it tramples us.....it attempts to put the shame on us for feeling as we do... how dare us.. 

There is no subject on this earth I find more fascinating than Sex....I purposely have looked for books to separate and explain in depth the various views..and why we feel as we do....

But it irritates me to no end when others try to conform the rest of us - because we are not up & in alignment with their modern program... there is nothing wrong with having different views of sex...and what it personally means to us... .NOTHING... I think the world is big enough to encompass us all... 

Just be darn sure to hook up with another who is like minded....and *self aware* enough to KNOW what they deeply want / YOU want....the motivations, the intentions...never forget the emotions, the responsibility....do we have *integrity* in sex ?? (I think this gets lost more than not)... What sex personally means to you/ to him/ to her... this is a part of embracing one's sexuality also... 

And of course, I wouldn't dare deny that Religion has screwed with our freedom in the sexual.. in a # of ways over 100's of years....leading to inhibitions, repression, not being able to handle their lusts because these things WERE'NT talked about...it's been as ridiculous as blaming Satan for Testosterone / masturbation in some circles of ignorance. 

I did a thread on The *silver ring program* yrs ago here...we sat in as parents - getting the earful >> 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...r-silver-ring-thing-purity-ring-movement.html 

I feel every teen should be taught & aware of the varying sexual views we carry in society...and that they can be different... and it's OK...not to put down others for their view...explained in more detail here >> The 6 sexual Lenses  ...

... and to KNOW thyself... and the problems that can come with each.. The author said this *>>* "“Rival views of how sex matters in our pluralistic society often mean that there are few shared understandings, conventions or rules of engagement,” she says. “It is little wonder that there is so much pain arising from misunderstanding & so many disappointed expectations in the sexual realm.”.... 

In a quick nutshell >>



> *Covenant View* - Best to wait until marriage
> *Procreative View* - Be fruitful & multiply
> *Romantic View* - Save yourself for your soul mate
> *"Plain Sex" view* - just enjoy it for what it is
> ...


And this is what I will teach my daughter...in addition.. but of course it is her life, she is not me and may not want the same things I did....the more education the better... I would not turn her away from any of it.. even the stuff I may not agree with, so long as she hears all sides to the story... which most articles fail to give.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...-sex-relation-love-her-emotions-her-life.html
.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

This is by a woman as a shot across the bow warning men about something or other they not sufficiently obsequious of. I understand it's bylined by a man but it's really "Let me tell you how you're really a brute" kind of articles, isn't it?

Hey Mark, I know where the clitoris is. I'm straight, what about you?


----------



## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> And this is what I will teach my daughter...in addition.. but of course it is her life, she is not me and may not want the same things I did....the more education the better... I would not turn her away from any of it.. even the stuff I may not agree with, so long as she hears all sides to the story... which most articles fail to give..
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...-sex-relation-love-her-emotions-her-life.html
> .


Nice! Plus all the stuff you wrote and linked to: So analytical!!! Isn't analytical a "guy thing?" Could be that menopausal testosterone effect? Or were you always like that? I'm guessing always...people who have to deal with hard stuff as kids tend to grow up fast and get analytical to deal with the difficult stuff.

And reading you posts, other women's posts, and men's posts started me thinking. Is it correct that on average women are much better and more natural writers than men, but that almost all of the "great" writers are men? I think so. Not sure why.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> And reading you posts, other women's posts, and men's posts started me thinking. Is it correct that on average women are much better and more natural writers than men, but that almost all of the "great" writers are men? I think so. Not sure why.


There are plenty of great women writers. Rarer, though, are great women movie directors. That is because you have to have a lot of power and money. Also, the goal of the industry is not to make good movies, but money.

As for sex education and the meaning of sex, I have witnessed how their is no substitute for experience. What is good for one adolescent may be bad for another. Sex education classes cannot really address the individual. And no matter how good the sex ed curriculum is, it cannot replace the guidance that comes from a good family life that has made them feel secure and loved.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bestyet2be said:


> Nice! Plus all the stuff you wrote and linked to: So analytical!!! Isn't analytical a "guy thing?" Could be that menopausal testosterone effect? * Or were you always like that? I'm guessing always...people who have to deal with hard stuff as kids tend to grow up fast and get analytical to deal with the difficult stuff.*


  for taking a moment to click on them (the links) Bestyet2be..... I feel one can not be over educated... even though I hold my own personal views on what is right for my path... I would never deny my children to sit under anything ...*really...I want them to see **all sides of an issue*...*I encourage them to reason it out*...this is pretty much how we raise our kids.. with our own example before them.....

One can not be fully aware when they've only been pounded 1 narrow path... or mindset...in anything... I've always enjoyed hearing opposing views to my own... this helps me question myself also.. and this is a good thing! 

I've always been a THINKER, heartily enjoy it ..... but yeah, the teen years weren't a joy...also an observer of others around me...their lives... a questioner... I love to hear others stories...Used to read a lot of biographies when I was younger... 

I am caught in between THINKING and FEELING on those temperament tests ... My husband is more Feeling over me and he has said on occasion (not complaining of course)..."You think too much" with a grin... ha ha



> And reading you posts, other women's posts, and men's posts started me thinking. Is it correct that on average women are much better and more natural writers than men, but that almost all of the "great" writers are men? I think so. Not sure why.


 I don't know, depends on what one's passion is... they both can be good...I feel we are all born with certain gifts & we're happiest when we share them... this gives us a sense of purpose ....


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LongWalk said:


> As for sex education and the meaning of sex, I have witnessed how their is no substitute for experience. *What is good for one adolescent may be bad for another. Sex education classes cannot really address the individual. And no matter how good the sex ed curriculum is, it cannot replace the guidance that comes from a good family life that has made them feel secure and loved.*


... Let me give you a little example ...using myself.... in comparison to many other women.. and why casual sex would NOT be working for me.... 

I am the type that LIKES to look back, memories mean a great deal TO ME...I take a lot of pictures, *I ENJOY looking back, reminiscing*... it gives me great Joy... of course looking to the future is also very BIG for me.. I am a planner... I like to feel Security... I don't live by the seat of my pants.. (I watched my Mother do that... and boy did she ever destruct her life ... and it started with sleeping with a variety of men)....

I am not an adventurer like some are, I am more of a Romantic Soul... when I am into someone, I have an intense desire to know ALL OF THEM...and share ALL OF MYSELF... holding back would be difficult for me or even painful...

This is a part of my overall personality..(I consider myself pretty self aware)... the girl next to me in Sex education class may be worlds apart from me... and that's OK [email protected]# .... Casual sex, a variety of partners before she marries, maybe she never wants to marry!.... It's not the 1950's anymore, women don't need men after all... Maybe a career is her primary goal... not marriage and children....but hey... sex is FUN... so for her... a "*Plain sex*' view may be FINE...or the *"Expressive'" view* ....very workable.. she can let relationships slide off of her... she doesn't look back, she doesn't get attached...men are just not all that important to her...the way someone like myself relishes a relationship ... I am the "attachment type"... 

Now I don't personally feel this is a FLAW in me, though some may ...... It's best I don't meet up and date those types however...

I wanted a man who was more Romantic minded... because my sexual view aligned with his... If I screwed around with a few men before I married.. I really think it could have haunted me to some degree.. What if they were a better LOVER over my husband... how does one wash these passionate memories from their Psyche... would I compare ?? Would my mind gravitate back in time (Being I am a reminiscer).... especially if I was very much in love & he was damn good in bed... How could one not go there !

And too, what if I *gave myself* (for the record when a girl talks like this -she has a *Romantic view* of sex- it's a dead giveaway)....I've had a female poster here pm me how I should NOT look at sex this way, it's WRONG, and that's my hang up... she wanted to change my view...

Can I say I didn't appreciate her feeling there was something wrong with me. 

Back to my point.....If I "gave myself" to a man who dumped me , threw me away, that it meant very little to him and he moved on with another....I would regret that experience something AWFUL !.... I think this makes me human...I would be so angry at myself ...and this would give ME a great sense of sadness I didn't wait for my husband.... I know he feels more special that I felt as I did... because those things MEAN something to HIM personally...that is part of his make up.....and there is nothing wrong with him either...feeling this way. 

Does *Retroactive Jealousy* ever get brought up in these sex education classes, telling these young girls that someday their husbands may struggle with this.. Oh of course not ..... why would they lay that on the girls... after all, it's just the problem of the MAN... get over it already!! ...Was a great thread on that here, but I think the OP deleted it ...bummer... it can be a real problem in some marriages.. so girls, another piece of advice... weed out the men who may struggle with this too. 

There is a tremendous amount of emotional baggage related to our sexual activities for some... and jumping into a casual sex lifestyle can become* a habit*...we learn to shut our emotions OFF as to not get hurt... healthy?? ... this can take a hit on our vulnerability in the future with someone that could be "so right"... then this is the struggle they have to wade through.. with each other... of course it can be overcome... just as the inexperienced can learn together...and some repression, too, can be overcome... but to claim that there is no baggage or concerns with each sexual view is a lie... they all carry some... 

But no, these things will never be taught in Sex Ed.. it is just so vast... again... Love the subject...it's very very deep....no pun intended.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

The only thing I wish I had been taught was how my clitoris and vag worked so I could have done the self love thing rather than seeking it from someone else.It sucks not knowing how to orgasm and living life thinking something is wrong with you and trying to find that "magic man" to give you an orgasm hopefully.ugh.
The rest I was fine with figuring out on my own.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> The only thing I wish I had been taught was how my clitoris and vag worked so I could have done the self love thing rather than seeking it from someone else.It sucks not knowing how to orgasm and living life thinking something is wrong with you and trying to find that "magic man" to give you an orgasm hopefully.ugh.
> The rest I was fine with figuring out on my own.


:iagree:
I wish that I was told there are 3 types of Estrogen (kind of amazing how many think Estrogen as 1 hormone) and knew about progesterone when I was younger. Plus I wish it was taught that hormones and women aren't comparable and all sex hormones effect people sex drive not just Testosterone.


----------

