# Women and sex drive and aging



## fetishwife

Ok as a sort of poll for the ladies....

For those of you who are in mid 40's and older....

Age 45 and later did your sex drive decrease, increase, or stay the same?

For those who are going through or are past meno...did your drive increase, decrease, or stay same? 

Since my wife is 45 but no signs of perimeno....except that for a couple years i note she is more agressive overall personality..used to be somewhat delicate and passive and very sexually inhibited.....now that things are more "active" and more open about her earlier sex inhibitions and she even has o's once in a while.....I'm wondering if there is more and more enjoyment ahead....I know every woman is different of course. 

I'm a doc although not in the gp or sex specialties....so I don't know either other than the rumor that drive decreases with age....but I hear different from friends who have good or better sex lives in mid 40's and on. I've read a lot of stories of hyperdrive happening in perimeno and even after also in previously low drive women.


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## Holland

Well my drive has always been good, every day would be fine for me.

Not sure if I suit your poll though. Came out of a LTR 2.5 yrs ago that was sexless (not my choice), went wild dating around and now in an exclusive relationship with a HD man.

I turned of my sex drive towards the end of my marriage but it didn't take much to get back into the swing of it when presented with so many sexy men out there in the world. I hope I want to have sex forever and now know that for me, it is the man I am with that dictates the quantity and type of sex we have. 

I have the desire as long as I am desired.


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## fetishwife

No question I realize that most women can involuntarily or voluntarily turn off sex drive if the relationship is not right regardless of age.

My wife will swear up and down that it does NOT MATTER but there is no question she perked up after I started lifting weights, wearing stylish clothes and shoes, shaved my head, and just generally acting more "sexual/sexy" around her. It had not previously dawned on me that to get more sex it helps to be more sexy. Duh.


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## Holland

fetishwife said:


> No question I realize that most women can involuntarily or voluntarily turn off sex drive if the relationship is not right regardless of age.
> 
> My wife will swear up and down that it does NOT MATTER but there is no question she perked up after I started lifting weights, wearing stylish clothes and shoes, shaved my head, and just generally acting more "sexual/sexy" around her. *It had not previously dawned on me that to get more sex it helps to be more sexy. * Duh.


Don't worry many of us are slow learners  Took me years to realise that my husband "just wasn't that into me".

And yes a shaved head is very sexy, good work.


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## working_together

My sex drive increased in my early 40's, now at 45 it's still high, it definately changed for me. I had a normal drive for years. I enjoy sex more, have better O's etc. I also think as women age, they become more confident and sefl assured, we really don't care if our bodies aren't perfect anymore.


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## SimplyAmorous

I'm one of those women who went WILD for whoopie when I hit 42...this was after I had my last son, got an IUD (sexual freedom)....and our oldest went to college- kinda *mid life crisis *time hit too... I wanted to go back in time something awful - to when my husband was lustier /raring to go. 

.... I used to be Repressed, inhibited.. and well, all of that was blown out the window...... I suddenly wanted to rent PORN, I wanted HIM to be more aggressive in the worst way.... I became more aggressive...*sexual confidence *came over night....like this IS the ROLE I was born to play...the cougar unleashed...... to seduce , tease & please my husband... flirting became my new language... What an exciting time in my life --ha ha ...this was ME >>>>









I had physical symptoms in my body.. I was wet 24/7 - no forplay needed, I hardly seemed to need sleep, body felt like I was walking on the clouds, not a pain or ache anywhere......I think I would have died if He wouldn't let me touch him.... I needed to be filled.... wanted it like 3 times a day , even my underarms suddenly needed clinical strength deoderant --just like our teen sons...all of this points to some RAGING hormones -RISING Testosterone/ add some dopamine -you got an addiction ....Everything about sex became seriously *ELECTRIC* to me.. ..couldn't lay it down. Didn't want to either. 

I wish I had my TEST checked--I think it was out of whack... some real SURGING going on there .... Asked my OBGYN , but she just brushed me off saying to "enjoy it"... LOVED it.. but it was a little tormenting at the same time....unrelenting is a good description. 

This LUSTFUL ride lasted 8 full months (I kept a sex calender)... I was reading so much about sex & hormones- trying to understand myself -and my husbands slowing down a little.... I thought I could contribute some of my growing knowledge...on a forum... why I landed HERE.


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## missmolly

I'm not sure how relevant my experience is as circumstances play a large part. 
I had what I considered to be a normal drive and have rarely turned my H down. He however developed ED problems at 50 and TURNED OFF EVERYTHING. So for a very long time it was a sexless marriage and I found this extremely difficult as from my 40's onwards my libido has increased, and has remained high ever since. 
Fortunately we have worked through most of our problems and have a fairly good sex life now with some sort of sexual interaction most days - morning and/or night. I mainly initiate but he loves that.
Menopause was a wild ride but not quite up there with Simply Amorous - it was during our 'difficult' years.


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## fetishwife

simplyamorous....

what happened after the 8 months?


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## Hope1964

I started getting a higher sex drive in my 30's, but that had more to do with meeting my hubby than anything else.

I am 47 now and it hasn't diminished. Although that may have more to do with the fact our nest has emptied than anything else.

I have pretty much always been higher drive than my hubby.


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## waiwera

I've always been high drive...except for a couple of years there when I was pregnant/having babies/breastfeeding etc.. We were never sexless but it was a low sex time.

I'm now 45 and my high drive has just got high and higher since my later 30's. We're a 'mostly happily married couple'.

Long may it last!


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## confused55

Started to really dip at 52 years. It's not only that which has changed. Body, mind, everything goes.

If you are in your forties, make use of it because believe me, it will go.


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## fetishwife

confused....is your drive going but husband or SO still has high drive?


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## confused55

fetishwife said:


> confused....is your drive going but husband or SO still has high drive?


Yes, husband at 60 still has fairly high drive. So I just do it whenever he wants. I could take it or leave it. Very common for women in their fifties.


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## fetishwife

What does that mean....? I mean I know intellectually what you are saying...but since I cant remember a time when I was not wanting sex all the time...maybe since I was 10-12 years old? 

When you "take it" do you like it sometimes? Is it the initiation that you never think about...or do you not have orgasms or ?

I can't get my brain around not being interested in sex.....sometimes I almost wish my daily desire would go away...even though I have my wife much more willing than in the past....it can be a bit of an annoyance to have a daily high sex drive and worry about rejection etc etc etc.

Thanks for the info


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## missmolly

confused55 said:


> Started to really dip at 52 years. It's not only that which has changed. Body, mind, everything goes.
> 
> If you are in your forties, make use of it because believe me, it will go.


mmm have to disagree here - I am in my early 60's and mine is back to much the same as first year of marriage. ie some sort of encounter desired and acted upon at least once daily.


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## SimplyAmorous

fetishwife said:


> simplyamorous....
> 
> what happened after the 8 months?


That 8 month "SEX high" experience was so very strong for me .... it just totally changed me .....I will NEVER be the same woman I once was....... Our marriage has always been GOOD.. but this caused us to be so much closer....sexually/ emotionally intimate reaching the heights... Just the way he handled me in that antsy "couldn't get enough" state. 

Everything I once took for granted, everything we missed sexually... flooded me......and I wanted to LIVE it...NOW... experience it all.... *This did NOT stop when my hormones took a slow dive*... they say SEX is inbetween the ears... how very true I have found this to be !! I may need lube once in a while now, but I still love being there !

During that time, I got a good FEEL of how emotionally crushing it is to be rejected .... just imagining was enough for me .....not that my husband even did this -cause he didn't...there were nights he would say "wake me up in a few hours"- I could live with that -some HOT anticipation. 

But just his being lower drive over me....DISTURBED ME... I did not like that at all. 

As a woman, I wanted MY HUSBAND to be higher drive, this didn't seem normal to me. It was like my greatest prayer..."GOD, just make HIM more LUSTFUL - will [email protected]#$%^&*

I took solace in the fact he LOVED sex....even IF I had to revv his engine, he desired to BE there. If not, if he thought I was "too much" or I was being a pain up his kisser.... I think we would have had some real issues. 

Getting to your question... (sorry side tracked).....so therefore...my MINDSET changed all for the GOOD, turning the intimacy heat up.....we were having so much FUN 







so even with the hormones taking a dive >>>> *I wanted everything in me to continue on this "High"...... so our sex life has not slowed down hardly at all..* it's still 4-6 times a week....the only advantage is ...if I don't get it every single day....I am not feeling like I am thirsting in the desert somehow, so antsy for it -- just like young men in their early years.... I can accualy concentrate on other things in the meantime...this helps !!

Now I can even go 3-4 days without feeling sex crazed... but we never do --cause we love "working it up" and bringing ourselves to that place. I'd say we're both addicted to orgasms.


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## RandomDude

3-4 days...

My wife gets sex crazed to the point even during overnight fights/disagreements she comes straddles me waking me up on my sofa bed lol

The longer the break, the bigger the explosion really


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## Bellavista

I hit about 43 at the start of this year & just went crazy for sex. I thought I was turning into a man!
Some comes from hormones, I am definately peri-menopausal, some comes from getting my other health issues into reasonable control. Celiac & IBS, if I eat the wrong things, the last thing I want is anyone near me.
I have also discovered just how important sex is to my husband, amongst other things.


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## RandomDude

> just went crazy for sex. I thought I was turning into a man!


Wait... then what does that make me? =/


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## Cosmos

I noticed little change in my drive, which was always 'normal,' but with the fear of pregnancy gone, I have found sex more enjoyable since the meno, and maturity has made me more confident and adventurous.


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## confused55

fetishwife said:


> What does that mean....? I mean I know intellectually what you are saying...but since I cant remember a time when I was not wanting sex all the time...maybe since I was 10-12 years old?
> 
> When you "take it" do you like it sometimes? Is it the initiation that you never think about...or do you not have orgasms or ?
> 
> I can't get my brain around not being interested in sex.....sometimes I almost wish my daily desire would go away...even though I have my wife much more willing than in the past....it can be a bit of an annoyance to have a daily high sex drive and worry about rejection etc etc etc.
> 
> Thanks for the info



I just do it when he wants to for him. Sometimes, I initiate because he likes it when I do. I do enjoy the closeness, but am not as interested as him. Basically, he wants sex and it's important to him, so I do it almost everytime he wants it.


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## EnjoliWoman

As you can see, this is different for every woman. I have little point of reference. Ex was abusive and I was repulsed by him but gave in to avoid an argument and pretended I liked it to get it over with. (I liked sex just not HIM!) 

Single with sporadic sex life for 8 years and now at 44 I think based on the last 3 months (heavy periods and PMS/crying/emotional which I've *never* had) that perimenopause phase began. But I crave sex with my BF but our schedules are so busy I rarely get to see him alone (have a daughter). Definitely I'm more confident and less inhibited but it's hard to know what a normal drive would be if he were in my bed every night. I'd love to find out!  I can squelch the desire if I need to but around ovulation I could do it 3 times a day.


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## SimplyAmorous

> *EnjoliWoman said*: (heavy periods and PMS/crying/emotional which I've never had)


I didn't get the heavier menses - that stayed the same but like you, I never had this PMS before...... we noticed.... that every time I would get really irritated , things that didn't bother me all month long...well it was like my brain got stuck on a hamster wheel....over certain things ....

It was almost ALWAYS those days BEFORE that time of the month.. I was more emotional too... so not only did my hormones rise in the good, they seemed to rise in the BAD as well. I could almost feel the cloud hovering over me during that time...I'd cry over a hallmark commercial....seem to need even more attention by him during that time... Poor thing... He told me one day I needed a Cage -with duct tape over my mouth....







....... so we kept joking about getting the cage ready when that time was approaching. Then some months, I flowed right through it...it was hit or miss. 

This settled down for me as well, thankfully .


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## fetishwife

Missmolly,

That is GREAT to hear! More power to you! 

I think the adrenal glands kick in at some point and take over for the ovaries and kick out some Testosterone.

Funny, just when I was starting to worry that I was going to be high drive vs my wife forever......

Last couple weeks my "overactive" sex drive seems to have tapered off a little (Im 46). 

I LOVE IT!

Bad part is that I think its cause Ive been depressed over all....but still, I sure prefer NOT having the high drive when my wife is really a once, maybe twice a week person. 

Ive gone though most of my life wishing we would be having sex at LEAST daily...but getting sex 1-2x per week....its been a terrible thing for me that I had just accepted for so many years until my wife suddenly upped her drive for a while out of no where.....

Then POW....I freaked out about "what I have been missing" all those years....boy did I get mad.

What a strange reason to get mad, right? But I resented not having had what she was now offering. 

And so much more enthusiasm!

Course it was mostly due to her movie star infatuation as I discovered later.

Its only been last 8 months reading all this MMSL book stuff and pushing that Ive been getting the sex frequency up so much anyway.

But its really stressful....and I kinda feel strange about it now as my wife basically will not "say no" although "not waking up" early or "going to bed early" are her non verbal ways of saying no once in a while.

Its such a relief not to be feeling that without sex or masturbation twice a day all the time I'm unhappy.

I so often WISH that I was a LD person.....if I only desired sex once a week that would be PERFECT.

Maybe, just maybe Id have my wife initiating most of the time then...

What a sense of power that would be.

I HATE feeling dependent upon her for sex and I hate that feeling of having to initiate with the risk of rejection and/or risk of unenthusiastic acceptance.....kinda the "can you get it over with please" sex.

On the other hand when she is "in the mood" its been so much better than in the past.

She seems to now expect to have it pretty much every Sunday am over the last 6-9 months.

Im pretty sure that is really all she wants as she will only rarely have the desire to finger herself while Im doing PIV (which is the only way she can have an O) unless its Sunday morning.

Why are women like that.....why just Sunday am.....haha..

although one night recently she did "do it" on a Friday night!

Even after all these years, I feel strange about the other times we have sex together when she obviously does not feel aroused enough to want to go through the work (and it looks like work to me for her to have an O ...sometimes since it takes 10 minutes or so a lot of the time).

Once in a while I cant get off and it can be really frustrating and tiring.

I can imagine if it was like that all the time like it is for some women it would make sex in general a lot less enjoyable. More like work in a way.

Anyway I digress....

Any more ladies out there in the late 40's, 50, 60's willing to share their level of sex drive?


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## mel123

My wife is 55 and her sex drive is higher now than anytime during our 34 yer marriage. In our younger years she could take it or leave it and I got rejected a lot (hurt my ego)..It was rare for her to have an "O"....now she will have 2-3 every time we have sex which is 3-4 times a week. When I was younger that would have been great but now I struggle to keep pace with her.I am a little confused I wasn't expecting this


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## Red Sonja

I just turned 56 years old and am 5 years post-menopause. I have always been a medium to high sexual drive woman ... the drive started during puberty and has never let up.

I have been in a sexless marriage for 23 years, so my drive is often a source of annoyance.


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## Snookums

In my 20's I had no sex drive at all. Since my early 30's it kicked into overdrive and hasn't declined yet now that I'm 41. I love having a sex drive especially being so turned on & attracted to my fiance but I just wish I could use it more lol


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## EnjoliWoman

Hard to say. I was married from 20 to 35. He was highly critical and verbally abusive - I never initiated because a) I never had a chance to as he was always initiating daily; multiple times b) his criticisms led me to be resentful, self conscious and unhappy; c) I capitulated out of duty and to avoid fights.

So I never knew what my true sex drive was. Now as a single mother (44), I only get to date every other weekend although the most recent boyfriend, had we lived together I would have initiated a couple times a week if he didn't. I do find myself more turned on but I don't know if it's lack of sex, increased drive or a higher level of self-awareness and comfortable with myself.


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## missmolly

Red Sonja said:


> I just turned 56 years old and am 5 years post-menopause. I have always been a medium to high sexual drive woman ... the drive started during puberty and has never let up.
> 
> I have been in a sexless marriage for 23 years, so my drive is often a source of annoyance.


Gosh, you were so young 23 years ago. 
May I ask why that happened??


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## Red Sonja

missmolly said:


> Gosh, you were so young 23 years ago.
> May I ask why that happened??


I have a theory as to why it happened, i.e. H's behavior in general is that of a passive-aggressive and my understanding is that PA-types withhold sex as punishment. However what I think is a moot point because H has always refused to discuss it … with me or in MC. I stayed in the marriage to raise an “inherited” child (long story, but she desperately needed stability in her life) and now am in the process of deciding what (if anything) to do about my marriage now that she is in university.

At this point I am just tired and apathetic about the entire situation and continue to just live my life without agonizing over my marriage too much. And anyway, H goes into "angry panic mode" whenever I attempt to start a discussion about possibly separating. :scratchhead:


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