# so mad I cant even think straight.



## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

today I received a email from the other woman. To say I am mad right now is an understatement. My previous posts are under I feel so alone. She proceeds to tell me that she is "sorry that I am in pain" but that she didnt take away my husband, and that she has nothing bad to say about me as a mother or a woman. I couldnt hold it in any longer. I wrote back and told her how I felt. I know this will probably blow up in my face, and only bring them closer together knowing my life, but I told her the truth. That I had no respect for her, that I have no intentions of walking away from my marriage. That I have dedicated the past 7 years of my life to this relationship, and I am not going to just lay down and die while she rips my family apart. I told her about my recent miscarriage of OUR baby (not sure if she knew), and that she has no idea what is truth at this point, and is naive to think that she does. grrrrrrr...


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

a body can only endure so much before you cant take it any more. telling her anything is like giving ammo to the enemy, but i understand your anger.

how dare she contact you like that...harpy!!!!

well this will too will pass, tomorrow is anothr day and will be better, and next week will be better and different from today..
stay strong


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

yea, well, apparently I am about to blow this little fantasy land up...probably will backfire and bring them closer, but just found out that she didnt know I was pregnant, OR that we were married. surprise! I am almost scared of his reaction. He is gonna be so mad, but sheeeesh! She opened the door, not me, and asked what I thought, so I answered, and closed it.


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

And I feel like if she wasnt just even a tad curious that something was "off" she wouldnt have emailed me at all.


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

OMG .. That is crazy. She didn't even know he was married? Sounds like there relationship is off to a very rocky start ... lol. The rockier the better. I am also holding onto my marriage, he claims there is no affair but the red flags are everywhere. Im trying to be strong, its hard losing your best friend and soulmate. I feel like im dying inside, heart hurts, stomach hurts and my eyes are puffy. As I cry,worry and ponder he is having his space, time alone and freedom in a hotel room. This is a very selfish time and its hard for me not to take it personally. Im going to fight for my marriage til I have nothing left, Im going to try and make myself a stronger woman and hopefully in time he will realize what he had.


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

We got into a huge fight today...apparently "she" finally read her email. He kept cussing, telling me I am making it harder, now he may end up homeless, why cant I just let him go and let him be happy. I just told him that I feel like our son deserves SOMEONE to fight for our family. I told him that when I said forever, I meant it, and apparently, he didnt. He was cold and cruel...as if I am talking to a stranger. He even had the nerve to text me and tell me to email her back and "admit" that I was being vendictive. I told him I would not. I told him I spoke the truth, and I do not feel sorry for her. He said that I am pushing him further away, and at this point, he feels like if I push any further, he will end up hating me. My heart is hurt, but I know I did nothing wrong. who is this stranger? ? ?


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

ugh.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

He is in the affair "fog" that is widely talked about in this forum. Don't expect anything that comes out of his mouth to make sense. Keep fighting! Your son deserves it. He may come around when his affair starts to suck!


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Stick to your GUNS! the BIG GUNS OF TRUTH! 

Yes - he's still in the affair fog. 

The truth may hurt but it hasn't killed anyone yet!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

She emailed you...she started this line of communication. He cannot blame you for that. 

I'm not familiar with this "fog" that everyone talks about, but I'm assuming it's that infatuation they have with their affair partner. Obviously he's still in that infatuated state, and there's nothing you can really do about it. 

You're right to fight to keep your family together, but at the same time, you also need to pay attention and make sure you can recognize when to stop fighting for something that won't happen. I'm not saying that you can't get him back and make your marriage strong again, but just to be aware and watch for signs that indicate you can't. 

I can't believe the other woman had the nerve to contact you. That takes some serious courage.


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

He called me this evening to tell me where/when he would be picking our son up tomorrow morning while I go to work. He was quiet but polite. *I think that he lied his way back into her good graces again* I went for Sunday dinner with his family. Apparently he and his nephew got into it good last week when he saw my hubby driving HER CAR. He tried to justify and nephew just hung up on him and wouldnt answer his calls. He has pushed his whole family away. When he called tonight, he said he wanted to say goodnight to our son, which is something he rarely EVER does here lately, so not sure what the motive was, or what he is thinking at this point. I completely agree that when I fele I cant fight any longer, I will back down. Doesnt mean my love has gone anywhere, or that I dont want my life back, but simply that I have to sit back and watch my story unfold. She justified contacting me by saying that she just wanted to make sure I knew she thought I was a good mother and person, and that she didnt "steal him away." I'm callin bulls*&t. She already has feelings that he may be lying. I dunno, I sure as heck wasnt gonna message HER saying I was being vendictive. Told him I will continue to speak the truth, and not just be a doormat while he continues downward spiral. I'll tell you one thing, these past few weeks, I have def. had a feeling of resentment towards a lot of people. Somehow, the concept of marriage, family, and honorability seems to be missing from lots of peoples vocabulary these days. :/


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

todays update for anyone whos still reading this (at this point, it is a good way to still journal my thoughts about how this is all progressing): Went to work. First day back since last monday when I found out I was miscarrying our baby. Still have to go back on wednesday to make sure I dont need any further procedures. :/ He picked up our son (45 mins late) for the day, and I went about my day, trying to stay focused and actually get some work done. Then at about 1:45, I get this text:
"hey, I just want you to know I'm not trying to be mean or sh*tty...You have been important in my life for a long time...and you will always be in my life. Just please dont try and ruin this for me. I want you to be happy and you will not be happy with me I can promise you that. X (our son) loves you." 
I am trying my best not to be at his beckon call when he is texting...everyone says let him feel the loss...this means hes thinking, etc, etc. so I dont text back, and then an hour later he sends me a picture message of our son. An hour after that, he sends another text saying "I hope you dont mind that I am gonna have X make your christmas gift this year..." 
what planet am I on? Whats with all the nice nice? He and his "girlfriend" seem to have gotten over the letter....apparently she now believes (because obviously this is what she was told) that I was lying about everything....offff course I am, cause I have what to gain from this? He's already moved out...oh, and everyone is bragging about miscarriages these days? (its the latest rage) Anyway...later when we exchange my son after work, he hands me a card with our sons picture on it that says seasons greetings. I just took it, said ty, and turned away....I mean, is he trying to be nice to PROVE to me hes happy with her instead of me? Should I just sit back and watch this all unfold. At least he is thinking of me throughout the day...ugh. I hate this. I hate my life right now. I want my freaking family back!!! Wish I had a magic wand, so I could say poof, she's gone. but I know SHE is not the major issue here...he needs to deal with his own issues, his own mental health stuff, his own substance abuse stuff....there could always be another SHE, I am that naive.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

He needs mental help, say away for a few months. You need to sit down with her and ask questions. See how he would like that idea. If he does I say no hope, but if he freaks out, you might have a shot. I now it sounds sick , but I think it may help you with this problem. One phone call, take a pill to calm down, make a list of stuff to take about. You can't control him, but you can tell the truth, and if she needs proof you have it. I think in the end, she will see the whole truth. Like he cheats, lies, etc... One day you will have to talk again with this person, it's just a mater of time.


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

Well, I woke up at 4 this morning to my garage door opening, and him pulling in. He wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't look at me, started saying YOU RUINED IT FOR ME! And then stopped himself, went to the spare room, said thank you for giving him a place to stay, locked the door and went to bed. Woke him up this morning to tell him I was leaving. Still wouldn't look at me. I told him I am here if he needs to talk, touched his shoulder, he turned away. This afternoon I get this text "Because of what you said i now can't be happy... I'm glad u are able to make my life so horrible... But because of that you did loose me as a friend" I am not sure what happened, but amazed again that this is all MY fault and is about HIS happiness. :/ another day in my life I guess. Ugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

No, you DID NOT ruin it for him. He ruined it for himself by not being honest with her. You have just been honest and told the truth that he was too scared to tell. Did he think he was going to able to hide that info forever from her? He is deluded.

He is being so selfish - saying your are making his life horrible when the reality is, HE is making YOUR life horrible. I think he is feeling very guilty and angry with himself, and is directing this towards you. 

Please don't believe any of this rubbish that he is saying, just be kind to yourself and take care of you now.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Wow, what a guy. He was being so "nice" because he knows he did wrong, he knows he hurt you, so in his puny little mind being "nice" maybe means he's not the ass that he feels like. But that didn't work did it? So now his approach is he's the victim, "you" ruined it for him. "You" don't want him to be happy. "You" are going to make him homeless. Don't you see how he's deflecting all his guilt onto you? 

Read this part carefully; "You" have done nothing wrong! Do not feel guilty for anything, do not feel sorry for him for one second. Do not let your emotions and feelings for him blind you to the reality of what's happening. You are not responsible for his behavior or the actions that result. 

It doesn't appear he wants to work on the marriage but if he does he needs to take ownership of the upset he has caused to you and your son, and the marriage. If the marriage is repairable he has a lot of work to do and he best get to it before you become so filled with resentment that the option is gone. If he is done then he needs to be man enough to make that decision and own the consequences. And one of those consequences is he doesn't get to come "home" at 4 AM when he gets in a fight with his girlfriend!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, honey, first of all STOP blaming ANY of this on YOU!

HE is the cheater! He should be on his knees begging you to forgive him.

Second, have you told his family and best friend yet that he is cheating? Have you told OW's husband or parents?

That is your next step, if you want him back. Go to affaircare.com and read up on what to do.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I found that telling my spouse to face the facts was very empowering and helped restore my confidence. I would suggest that the next time he blames you for any thing you tell him to look in the mirror. Tell him you are a good person. You are the faithful spouse. You are the role model for your child. You kept your word and your vows. Make it about you not him. You will not be spoken to like that. Don't accuse him. Don't blame him. If he talks about you controlling him, which most of these disloyal spouses do, tell him he is obviously free to do what he wants and you can only control you. You are not taking responsibility for his infidelity. Tell him you are the best thing that ever happened to him and if he can't see it he is at a loss.
It is great that you have his family's support. He is deep in the fog. Read Affairecare's site posts. You will see how typical all this is and it will make it easierto adjust as you will have a sense of what to expect for his next move. 
The big question is: Do you let him back in the house without conditions? What questions do you have?


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