# Completely Lost and Confused, Need Help



## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Where to begin. Well, I have no one to blame but myself. Married for 8 years, together for 12 years with my wife. I feel weird posting this, it is not like me, but I have no one who can offer sound unbias advice. I've always talked to my wife about everything... Anyways, I say I have no one to blame but myself but it takes two. For the past two years I've neglected my wife and kids. I never cheated or hit. But I did emotionally abuse, which is sometimes worse. We received a large settlement and I blew it. I blew it on gambling and drugs, and then of course she helped with quite a bit as well just not "vices." Regardless I stayed out all the time, was laid off so I took unemployment and had this money and acted like a child. Completely lost focus on what life is about, family. So I pushed and I pushed and she finally reached her breaking point.

I should mention that up until 2 months ago I had not had a drink for 12 years, even when I was acting like an idiot for that 2 years I didn't drink. I consider myself a "holic" not an addict. I've never had a problem stopping anything because I was never into "hard drugs." I had a script for an accident and I abused that more than anything. Anyways I quit drinking 9 months before I met my wife. She never met that person. No one she knows has ever met that person. Well, for whatever reason I fell off the wagon and hid it from everyone. My wife and I had 3 or 4 big fights and I pushed hard 2 times in one month, the month it ended...I am devastate, but not surprised. She has always enabled me, but she is not to blame. She still loves me and even says so. Its been a month. We live together and have a 3 & 5 year old. The kids are the most important thing to me, but she is a close second, sometimes more because, well, she is the one who is "gone." I say it like that because we still live together. We even sleep in the same bed. Now at first I thought this was a good thing and would maybe help us stay close and reconcile since she has always forgiven me. My mistake obviously, everyone has their breaking point. 

I've always loved my wife and she me...she will even admit to that. She is very hurt and very mad. I promised things over and over again but rarely followed through, and if I did I would screw up again a few months down the line. That said I went 12 years without a drink. I know and she knows that when I want to do something I do...evidently I didn't want to stop acting like an ***. I am fully aware that it will/would take alot of time and effort earning her trust back. We have two kids and I am willing to do whatever is necessary to make good. I cant state this enough, we have always made up, but Im the one to blame here for 90% of what is occurring.

Now she said the other day that we should just get a separation, I should move to the spare room and we can co-parent. Her and I hang out 6 nights of the week. She comes home from work (I am currently animalistic about getting a job and have been for a while, Im in the banking industry so the going is slow, mind you I've provided for this family for the last 8+ years, only last two months have been rough) and we hang out in same bed. I must also mention that the first 8 years of our relationship was fairy tale like. We always got along and had so much fun all the time. I rub her back, we hug, kiss(pecks), I obviously do everything for children while she works. I'm a good dad, and she would never say different. She's mad I blew the money, that I put her through hell emotionally acting like a jackass, she felt very alone for a long time now.

So anyways 12 years I got a kick in the *** I needed to realize if I wanted to be an adult and have a life I needed to stop drinking. Well, I got the same kick, only this time obviously its realizing that I want my wife and my family. She however is over it more than I realized. For the first couple weeks she was ADAMANT about getting a divorce. Now, like I said she has relented to a "separation" and a co-parent set-up. Obviously I want this because I want her and believe that once I get myself squared away with a job again and just being me again she will come back. i've been SOBER for a month. I'm over it, I'm tired, I'm just done. It has never done anything good for me in life, ever. She obviously doesn't believe me because of past patterns Can't say I blame her. Again though I believe given time she will comeback. 

That is until i found out that in the last month she has met, started dating, fallen into bed and developed feelings for a divorced guy who was "just giving her advice" to help her out...She knows I know. She refuses to end it. Yet she still wants to live here with me and kids. I have to say, if we didn't have kids I would have already been gone, or kicked her out. BUT we do have kids. the kids love their mom and she loves them. I don't want my children growing up in a broken home. With the way jobs are right now, even when I do get another one it is going to be significantly less than what I made. After paying child support and rent, bills, Ill have nothing left and the same will go for her if we don't live together(she has only worked for total of 2 years out of 8 we have been married, I always have taken care of finances). this scares me personally but especially for the kids and opportunities and just living, just being kids. We both grew up in dysfunctional yet intact families. I want my kids to have us both around and not have to suffer financially.

The problem is I pushed her to the where she is and am fully aware. I never betrayed her intimacy but I betrayed her in many other ways, trust, respect, dependence emotionally, just acted ridiculous and dont know why. I plan on seeing a therapist for me, to make sure I'm ok, for the kids too. She says she wants to see one too. she also says she wants us to go together once we've both seen one separately for a while. Obviously her and this other guy is a huge problem. I know whats going on and when its going on for the most part. It is breaking my heart, yet I broke her heart. Sometime I think this is my penance. She tells she loves me. she tells me she's gonna get help too. She tells me she doesnt know what future holds and maybe we can "find" each other again but not now. I can't deal with the thought of her being intimate with another man. I'm a basket case. I can still function and hold it together for the kids, but sometimes its too much and I'll cry around them. I cry 90% of the time I'm alone. I'm dying inside. I was acting like a fool. She said it was easier to accept my behavior knowing I was under the influence, knowing it "wasn't me." It really wasn't I was a good husband, good dad, good friend, good lover, good everything until this money and ridiculous behavior. 

What do I do? im so torn. I obviously am a wreck but I want whats best for my kids. She says she wants to hang out every night she's home, watch tv, and "act normal." This includes getting up and make her coffee, bfast in bed, give her a back rub in the am before work, maybe bring her lunch during day. I pick her up from work, make her dinner in bed, bring her wine, do all her laundry, rub her back and back side for hours on end at night til she falls asleep, bring her snacks in bed, scratch her back, scratch her head, neck to toe rub downs, anything she wants. You see I waited on her hand and foot until my accident. Bad back, surgery, recovered to 85-90%. But when the accident happened I stopped, my back was terrible for 4 years. The last year has been the major improvements. Anyways, i always treated her like a princess, loved her, adored her, babied her, doted on her, whatever u want to call it, I did it. Now she is just mad mad mad, hurt hurt hurt and seeing someone else, yet still telling me she loves me, still wanting time together, not intimate though, but definitely "moments." When you rub someone's back and backside for hours every night that's a bit intimate. She's 34 and acting like she wants to be 24. I just don't know how to accept it or if I should. I'm so guilty over what i've done, that I believe I should deal with it but its killing me. Words cannot describe the feelings. Her actions are directly related to my actions, but I want to win her back...I'm so sorry to ramble on, but she made me promise not to tell anyone (my friends and family and support group) about her messing around. I can't say I want to, I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that she's doing this, but I'm also embarrassed because if she does come back i don't want anyone to know she "cheated." I guess it's not cheating if she considers us separated and has made it clear and never has wavered from her stance verbally. Whenever it's discussed she is adamant that we are no longer together. Her actions are different though and that's alot my fault too because I allow it, i ask for it, I want it. I feel like as long as she's around there's a chance of reconcile, but when she's gone, well, she's gone and that breaks my heart. I really don't know how long I've rambled on for but I needed to. I need some input. It's my decision as much as hers...do i stay, do i go? life will be hard emotionally, financially and kids-wise if we split, but I am having such a hard time with the other guy situation I don't know what to do. If there were no kids this would be a no brainer, but they are the most important thing, yet i can't sacrifice my health either...so lost.

She will see him usually once a week and sleep at his house. I don't know what to do. I love her, she still loves me and even says so. Someone out there must have some advice of some sort or words of wisdom????? I am so lost and hurt, I hurt her so maybe I deserve this??? But even if I do deserve this do I jeopardize my own sanity, my own health? If there were no kids it would be over, but I'll do anything to ensure my children have their mom and grow up in an intact family...please help.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

I need some help. I'm new here and having the roughest time of my life. I'm not looking for sympathy as I dont deserve any. I just need some people to talk to. I need some sound advice, some input. Please, anyone have anything at all to say to me?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok the good thing is you know you ahve done wrong.

Now you need to SHOW via ACTIONS that youa re willing to change. 

Get into counselling. Tell her you are willing to do any and everything to work on your marriage.

Please elaborate on the emotional abuse. What did you do? I was in a marriage like that and it just about destroyed me. I left. And I had an affair. But I ended the affair of my own choice and wanted to get back with my husband as long as we are both willing to do our parts (he also cheated but wanted to divorce and we just divorced recently actually).

The effects of emotional abuse are no joke. Seriously, people get tired of being treated like dirt. I have changed due to being a relationship like that. I will not let it dictate my future but I would be lying if I said it hasn't had some majorl effects on me. It broke me in a way.

She is wrong for still carrying on the affair. So you need to set a firm boundary. She can't have it both ways.


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## tam8145 (Apr 6, 2011)

Hurtbad, I'm in a similar situation, so I can relate. In my opinion, and many others on the board, you're handling the affair wrong. Like you, I spent some time begging and pleading - but I now understand that hurts more than help. Your cheating wife is in full control of the situation and will probably continue to treat you like a doormat. 
All of your shortcomings do not justify an affair.
Do some research on the 180. There are several threads you should read thru. The 180 seems to be working for me. My cheating wife seems to be cracking and showing signs of weakness. Also, I read the book "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson and applied several of his techniques. 
I think you should push your wife out of the house. Just the thought of it might scare her out of the affair? She needs to end the affair before you can have any chance at reconcile - and it's best to let her see glimpses of life alone and without you. 
Keep me posted on your progress.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

I would go out all night, play crds, go to casino and just do whatever I wanted. she knew what i was doing almost all the time. I would sleep all day. She would cry to me to stop and I wouldn't. She would cry for me to get out of bed in the morning and I wuldn't. She is so hurt and I don't blame her. I don't know why I did the thing I did. I'd take em all back for one more day of her love. This all occurred in the last two years, never before. I got this settlement. It was alot of money. i blew it all. Sh is mad that i gambled it all, spent it all. I did alot of pills bc of my surgery and then bc I liked the way they made me feel. I experimented with cocaine and she knew this. She didn't mind at first but then I got to it pretty good. When she finally freaked I stopped and havent touched it since. Then came the time when I fell off the wagon. The is a reason I stopped drinking when I was 23. I am not a happy drunk. We were having issues still and she would talk about divorce and taking the kids. I made some horrendous threats. I would apologize 2 minutes later but the damage was done. 

this is a woman who didnt talk to her father for 1.5 years and he didnt talk to her either. She is stubborn and she is mad and hurt. I want to do anything to show her I am ME again, that she and the kids will be my new addiction FOREVER. But she doesnt believe me...and I cant blame her. That said Im trying so hard. I ador her, my heart is broken, but she is seeing another man. How do I continue to do all these beautiful things for her knowing that she is being intimate with him, spending the night with him and obviously doing god knows what with him. It is tearing me apart.

jellybeans thank you so much for replying, I really value any input anyone can give. I do not want to give up on the marriage. she has relented from the adamant divorce and leaving with kids to separation and staying in less than a month. I believe if it wasn't for this other guy we would have already reconciled, but now I'm not sure. you see, her and I fell in love quickly, moved in together within 3 months. She is an emotional, loving person and I know she is having "fun" with this other guy. She uses me for friendship, for nightly affection, for feeling good. She uses me for comfort, she still asks me to do everything I listed previously. She says she can take or leave me in the bed (hanging out and sleeping only) but then when Im not around she'll say things like "are you gonna come hang out with me or what?" She'll say every morning when we wake up, rub me please, she still calls me hunny, babe, baby, she says she loves me usually every day when I drop her off or even before she goes to see him she will give me a big kiss on lips, tell me she loves me and then go...I am dying, so heartbroken. I know I betrayed her, but never ever intimately, just selfishly, not to dimish what ive done bc it was terrible. How I could do that to this amazing woman that i love so dearly i'll never know =(


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Tam, she won't be without me. She will have to stay at her moms or her sisters and barely see her kids til I get this employment squared away which should be any day now. But she will have him. She will be able to spend more time with him. My heart is broken. we spent easter at her sisters and her parents and sister made me feel welcomed even though they are hurt by what I did and hurt by us splitting. we had a wonderful day, amazing. the kids had so much fun. I canceled my plans with my family because she said she wanted to relax and have a quiet family Easter dinner when we got home. well that all changed and as soon as we got home she left to go see him. She said she was going to her sisters to hang out, but cmon we just spent the day there. We share a cell plan so of course I'm crazy and looked at her txts. she never even called or texted her sister when she left only him and only twice before she went dark...I know what she did and even texted her that i knew what she was doing and she never even bothered to deny it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, you're partly right... as long as the OM is in the picture, your marriage has ZERO hope. KNOW that. 

So it has to end w/ him before you have ANY chance.

Get into AA and counselling for yourself. Tell her you want to do marriage counselling. But only if she is done with OM. Stop letting her "use" you. And please, for the love of gawd, get tested for STDs.

I do have an issue with this, as someone who can relate to your wife (esp that part about her crying for you to stop and you wouldn't do it):



hurtbad4444 said:


> She would cry to me to stop and I wouldn't. She is so hurt and I don't blame her. *I don't know why I did the thing I did*.


This is not the way to go. Until you own that you did what you did because you WANTED to, you haven't understood the gravity of the abuse she has endured and what it did to her.

It sounds like you're really regretful of what happened but you need to own your actions. Saying you "don't know why" is not going to help your case.

My ex NEVER owned what he did (he said "You made me do that... I only did that because you *fill in the blank* ... or... I was so angry at you that I just had to...). it's all BS and she will see right through it. 

Now I wonder... are you only feeling regretful cause she is having an affair?

Nonetheless, as long as HE is in the picture, you have no marriage.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Jellybeans, No about the regretful part only bc of the affair. The day she told me she wanted to divorce I became a text message terrorist, never being mean only professing my love, my regrets, my willingness to change and do whatever was necessary to fix this. I didnt find out about the affair until 3 weeks later and at that point we had made the decision already to live together, to try to work through things as co-parents and "see what happens." I was actually doing "ok." then i found out and I almost had a nervous breakdown. Her being mad and wanting time and freedom was understandable, but her starting this relationship so quickly was not. she has been extremely unhappy since August of last year and says she detached then even though we had many many many good times with the bad during this time. She met this guy at a friend of hers kids bday party. She says he was divorced and she looked to him for advice/guidance. well obviously he smelled weakness and jumped all over her. I cant blame him. she is gorgeous in every sense. Her heart is unbelievable. But no the affair has nothing to do with my regrets. The regrets came way before the affair or my knowledge of anyways. 

STDs shouldnt be an issue. says she didnt start anything until after she told me she wanted a divorce and we have not been intimate since. I believe her. She is far from a hurtful lying woman. She is trying everything to be an "adult" about all this. Im the one who is being weak.

So listen to this. The kids want to go to mcds for lunch. they love the mcds next their moms work. So i texted her to see if she had an opening to see her kids at work. I was specific in the text that it was about the kids. She said 230, and asked if she should block this time. I didnt see the text for about an hour so when I did I sent one back asking if she blocked it, that the time was good. She just texted me back and I'll type verbatim. 

"yes!, all set for lunch date!"

I sent her a text back right away saying "good the kids cant wait"

I am dying, my heart is so broken.

I said earlier that I didn't know why I did those things. I did them because I was selfish. I have an addictive personality and loved the thrill of gambling, playing cards...i love to compete. I was also very sad and still am. I thought she would just always "get over it." I am depressed bc I've always worked and taken care of the family. Being in the banking industry i am interviewing like crazy but not getting the job. this is very crushing, especially bc I always got the job if I interviewed for it, always. and now it's so hard and Im losing confidence. This, I believe is why i fell off the wagon. i do not have a hard time staying sober. It is something that actually comes easy to me and I know i have a better life when i do so. But once you have your mind blurred by this abuse you lose yourself and end up not caring. this is what happened until i found out she was leaving. It was the kick I needed to straighten up and get my act together, but I fear its too late and I've lost her love forever to this OM.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Jellybeans i do own everything I did. Not once have I pushed blame on her. I know it was all me. i know i did it because I wanted to and was a selfish you know what. She did not do anything wrong at all and I'm having a hard time thinking shes doing something "wrong" now because Im the one who pushed her to this point. she never wanted this. All she wanted was me to be me and us to be a happy family...and I did all that for years and then I did this. Im so ashamed and she knows this and even has forgiven me. she says there is no way she'd be able to be around me if she hadn't forgiven me, but she doesn tbelieve I will change forever. se thinks at some point i will revert to my ways. And no matter what i say or how well i conduct myself she is not budging from this...she still loves me. I can see it. She even says she does, but how do I cope with her and another man??? Do i continue to be nice and try to show her I am changed or do I detach? Moving out or her moving out is really not an option. I love my kids and dont want to lose them. she loves them and I would never want her to be away from them more than she has to. financially, for the kids, we need the two incomes as soon as Im working. we need the two incomes for us to be able to live as well...times are tough financially for the first time in our marriage and thats taking its toll on her as well.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

I also believe that if I stop doing all these nice things she will stop coming home at night. she works late and the kids are in bed when she gets here, so if she isn't getting anything from being here why would she come here. She will come here in am before work to see the kids and then be here on days off or short days, but if I'm not doing anything for her why would she come here. Even tho she wants separate rooms she says she wants to hang out in her room together every night. she wants to watch our shows together, laugh together, she wants her back rubs, her back side rubs, her hugs, her cuddling...she rarely cuddles me but never pushes me away when I cuddle her, unless I start getting emotional and crying then she will say she has to go to couch or I have to she cant deal with it. So of course, i get a grip right away and tell her no I'll stop just go to bed, then I'll rub her til she falls asleep....i hurt so bad


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I tink you should tell her that you know you have done wrong, have woned it, are willing to fix it and you mean it and that you love her but taht you will NOT live in an open marriage.

Then the ball is in her court.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Well, she considers the marriage over. She has said it over and over and over and now she is acting like it. Obviously i still hope we can salvage it. I also am torn because of the kids. I dont want her to take them. I also dont know what either of us are going to do financially if we live apart. She will still work, but not as much bc I'll be working. Im gonna have to take a pay cut when I work, probably anyways, and then after child support, rent, bills, etc I'll be broke and prob not even have enough to cover the bills. she will be in the same boat...the kids are the ones who are gonna suffer the most if we live apart, so im doing my best to try this co-parent live in separate rooms thing, but again she always wants to hang out and Im weak and want to hang out too. i cherish the time we do spend together even if my heart is broken, but I also cannot handle this OM crap....im a wreck, especially when I see her or am around her...not necessarily when we r together but after she leaves...and when we r together sometime too...if I give her an ultimatum she will say fine and we will go ahead with the divorce.

i confronted her and asked her to stop. she refused. i said then we need to get a divorce then and she just said ok...and that was that. I thin changed my tune and said I dont want a divorce, lets do the separation and go from there...well she wants that...she wants her cake and to eat it too...

obviously I need to cut out all of "our" time together...spend the time she is home away from her, let her know if she wants to talk its only about the kids or to work on our marriage, but nothing else...I fear once I do this she will be home less and less and be in his arms...whereas I hold onto hope that if she is here she will see the changes and eventually come back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok well you won't like this but: if she refuses to cut it off w/ him, you need to decide if you are willing to hang around in a situation where you have an open marriage. Cause right now you do.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Jellybeans, I dont want an open marriage at all. I'm stuck though as far as living arrangement. Right now she is the only one with an income. We are lucky my parents own the house we live in. they have been great as far as helping us out since ive been job hunting. Its only been two months of financial torture. she pays for everything else except some odds and ends I can take care of from income from investments. Once I have a job I can then maybe do something else but even then financially speaking for the kids we really need to stay in one home. That said I'm done with everything else. I'm going to move to couch until I get the bed for the spare room next week. I'm going to have as little contact with her as I can...only kids and household, nothing else. If she wants to talk about the marriage I'll let her know that there is nothing to discuss until she ends it with the OM...if she choses not to end it, then we r done and do what we have to for the kids to remain amicable...does this sound crazy?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hurtbad4444 said:


> if she choses not to end it, then we r done and do what we have to for the kids to remain amicable...does this sound crazy?


No. It sounds completely logical. 

Why on earth stay with someone who is having an open affair with someone else that they refuse to end?

Start looking for a job.


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## tam8145 (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> No. It sounds completely logical.
> 
> Why on earth stay with someone who is having an open affair with someone else that they refuse to end?
> 
> Start looking for a job.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tam8145 (Apr 6, 2011)

Hurtbad, I think you have a good plan with moving to another room and limiting contact. I'm not sure is really done yet as per the 180 rules. You cannot believe anything she says right now. I recommend finding a job and then going hard with the 180. Like I said earlier, were in similar situations. I am 2 weeks into the 180 and I have seen some recent changes in my cheating, live-in wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

I cant thank you enough jellybeans. I'm so distraught and needed to hear from someone else who doesnt know me...especially since I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone. Trust me I'm looking for jobs every free second I have...I've spent a little time on here but thats for support...my order of importance goes like this

Kids
Me
Job
Family
Her
everything else will fall in line....


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Tam, thank you so much for the support and words of encouragement. I dont want to believe anything she is saying, but at the same time she is seeing another man, spending nights at his house...I'm not sure how we can come back from that although I am willing to try, I think she is content. It's funny she gets mad when she thinks about how much she has to work and the time she is away from the kids. It's only been two months that it has been this way. Then on Easter, a full day off, she leaves this house at 5:30 at night to go see him when her kids are up for another 3-4 hours and she could've spent that time with them...yet she will blame me for not seeing them...even though I do whatever it takes for them to have tie together, like bringing them to meet her for lunch anytime she wants...keeping em up and xtra hour, waking them in the morning so they can see her before work...whatever she wants, and that I'll continue to do. I will never ever have her or my children go without each other....


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## tam8145 (Apr 6, 2011)

Yep.. another similarity. Except my wife's OM lives 500 miles away. So instead of going to see him last night, she is "done" with kids at 6pm and I'm in charge of feeding, bathing and putting them to bed. During this time, she is in our bedroom conducting an affair.
I'm making journal notes every time this happens so I can fight for custody. It will be her choice... She can try to reconcile with my conditions, or she can file D and risk losing the kids. 
On your house, whose parents own it? Why can't you kick her out and tell her to stay with OM? And, you can borrow from family before your first paycheck.
I know you want her to see the kids, but a few days or even a week out on her own (without kids) just might be the medicine she needs.
Like you, I started my process by pleading, begging and being nice to her. In week 2, I wised up and became mr *******. Like I said, it seems to be working (I'm 25 days from D-Day.) You should try it - you have nothing to lose.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hurtbad4444 said:


> I cant thank you enough jellybeans.


No problem. I have been your wife in a way. 



hurtbad4444 said:


> I'm so distraught and needed to hear from someone else who doesnt know me...especially since I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone. s


Back it up a second here... you promised her you wouldn't tell anyone what?? If it's about the affair, then you are handling this wrong. NEVER help covering up an affair because all that does is enable the affair.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Tam, it's my parents house. If anyone is to leave yes it is her. If I kick her out I think this will be the straw that breaks the camels back as far as her then hating me. If she hates me then there is no chance at reconcile. I think it will be harder for her to be around me and me be indifferent. She looks forward to "our time." She looks forward to the affection I give, how comfortable she feels, etc...I've noticed that when I do stand up for myself and just not care she tends to text me, contact me or want to talk...If I kick her out she will hate me for distancing her from her kids....this I do not want. I've done enough to this woman already and making her be away from her kids is not something i want to add to the list. As far as custody goes, she will win. I acted terribly, she has alot of firepower...all I have is an affair after she said she wanted a divorce/separation...pathetic.


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## tam8145 (Apr 6, 2011)

Yeah. Jellybeans is right. You must blab. I recommend not telling her closest friends and family, but all your family and close friends should know she is having an affair. Also tell your couples friends. I have successfully used this strategy because I'll tell someone and then they can choose to contact my wife to knock some sense into her. So far,
I know of at least 2 times our friends have talked to my cheating wife privately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Jellybeans, yes I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone about the affair. i've broken so many promises to her that when she asked me I instinctively agreed. She doesn't want my family or friends to find out...I know I'm handling it wrong...I'm handling everything wrong. her sister and her sisters husband are the only ones who know besides me...her parents don't know, and no one in my family knows...I confided in one friend but swore them to secrecy. What do you suggest i do? I'm embarrassed about the situation and if we do reconcile I dont want anyone to know what happened...if I do tell anyone she knows she will then hate me for breaking yet another promise...I cant even believe this is all happening...i can barely breathe.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

we really only have one close set of married couple friends that were my friends first. the rest are all her girl friends and their husbands...they are supporting everything she wants to do. They will never take my back and try to talk to her. Her sister has and even said she is going to continue to try because what I did, however terrible, is not something that should kill a marriage especially if I'm trying and showing wife I'm trying...I can tell my family I suppose but she doesn't really care...I say that but the truth is she loves my family very much and she will care, but she may change that sadness into anger...that is her MO...instead of being sad lately she gets angry. she says she is sad alone and doesn't want to shopw any weakness becaus eI'll jump all over it...yeah, I'll hug her, hold her and tell her I'm here for her...ya know jump all over it.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Thank god for you guys...I've posted on other sites and not one single response. i was starting to think that everyone read my story and thought, well he's getting what he deserves...It's nice to know that there are still some people with a heart and recognize when one is truly remorseful for the right reasons...because I am, more than most can know...I own everything I've done and understand there are consequences. However, i'm not ready to just give up on my marriage or the love of my life. why should I just let this OM win? No way, I will fight for my family, but I need to fight correctly. I need to do it right because I'm not right now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hurtbad4444 said:


> Jellybeans, yes I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone about the affair.


This. Will. Not. Help. Your. Marriage.

When an affair is happening, the WORST thing that you can EVER do is:

1. pretend it's not happening/leave it to its own devices
2. Agree to not expose it and 
3. Enable it

You are doing all three things. ::Smack's Hurt upside the head:: (I have been doing that a lot today. So far my list includes Kcrat, Apple, and now you). LOL.

But seriously........

By helping keep the affair a secret, you are ENABLING her affair with OM. You are teling her by doing this, "Yeah I don't like it but I won't tell anyone for you, ok, babe?"

Oh hell no! That is not the way it's handled!

I guess that you feel you've wronged her by breaking past promises but this is different. 

You know why she wants you to cover it up, right?

Because affairs are really ugly. And they're wrong. And they're destructive. And there is a stigma attached to them. SO she knows FULL WELL if people find out about it, she is going to look very very bad. 

THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T HELP HIDE IT!


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

So what do I do then? Blab to her family? her friends? i don't see them. I'd have to send emails or text messages specifically to tell them that she is having an affair??? I don't know how to go about it. Obviously with my family, I would just tell them. The thing is, with my parents, well they live on other side of house, well below us, so it would make her feel extremely awkward and she would probably then never come home, and never want to reconcile...what a mess.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Jellybeans and Tam, Well i took the first step. I got out of the room. I didn't really have much contact with her at all except for household and kids stuff. She kept pursuing me last night as far as asking over and over to hang out, etc. she continued this morning as well. She also asked/said i should sleep in the bed, not on the couch. I have a terrible back and the couch is no good, but I'm doing what I have to. She would reference my back when asking but there was more.

Also, I had to drive her to work this morning and bring my son to school. On the ride she again mentioned that I should just sleep in the bed, i told her as long as there is this OM, I cant be in same bed with her. She then said well, it's basically over. I asked her how in one day it could basically be over. She said he was freaked out by me texting him. I texted him when I saw the contacts between them telling him to stay away from my wife, stop all contact. After I calmed down I texted him again telling him I wouldn't contact him anymore but thanks for assisting in the breaking up of a family, etc...I know I shouldn't have texted this clown, but I was hurt and obviously angry. 

I hope she comes around. But until she does, completely, i am done with the niceties. She works and we live together so laundry, dinners, all that stuff I'll do because, well, I'm not a jerk, but the moments and time we share is over...

I also told a few people yesterday about the affair and I'm sure I will tell more in the future if it continues, but it was exhilarating. I felt for a while like I was grabbing hold my life again. It hurts, I'm not gonna lie. I missed her, I missed rubbing her and making her smile, but I didn't miss the pain I feel when I'm with her...this is a mess and will take alot of time for both of us, and maybe never be salvaged, but I will go out knowing that I tried everything to make amends, that I tried everything to save my family.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

In this case I think it's good you texted other man.

Now you need to make sure it's completely over with them not "basically" over. TELL HER you want her to call him in front of you stating it's over and not to contact her again. Full transparency.

Then go back to sleeping in your bed. If it's over b/t them you can recover your marriage and start goign to counselling together, become the man and husband you want to be for her, apologize to her and tell he ryou know you did her wrong but when you married her it was because of (list the reasons) and that you want to live up to your committment to her. 

You don't have to tell the WORLD about her affair, just people that will look down on it that are close to her (i.e. her family).


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

I did tell her sister yesterday. Her sister actually got the same story I did. She said she told her that he was a friend who went through divorce and was just helping her with advice and support. When I told her sister that they were having an affair she was disgusted and appalled. It wasn't a show either. I know her sister well and can read her like a book. Not only that her sister has been cheated on and obviously has very strong beliefs regarding that behavior. Her sister said she was going to talk to her and see if she can get through to her. I told she can do what she likes, but obviously I need any help I can get. Her sister swore me to secrecy about the conversation, which I think is good anyways. i dont want wife thinking I'm conspiring with her family against her. Also, i think its better if she thinks that her sister is doing it completely on her own feelings.

I'm not sure I can have her call him and break it off with full transparency as much as I'd like to. You see, she has been very adamant that he came after she let me know she wanted a divorce. She continues to say "nothing has changed." By her saying this I am getting the message that regardless if there is another man she wants to go forward with the separation, eventual divorce. She has basically said this to me, but not verbatim. I told her I would talk about household and kids but as far as "we" were concerned I had nothing to say. i told her I would work on marriage if she wants but nothing can happen until she has completely broken it off with the OM. The ball is in her court. as far as me I'm gonna worry about the kids, about a job and about me moving on and showing her I am doing so with or without her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Her sis may be able to smack some sense into her. Hopefully. 

See how she lied about it being "just a friend?" (they all say ti's "just a friend.") Good for calling it out and saying it's an affair and that she spends the nights w/ him.

TELL her you are committed to the marriage and her saying it's "basically" over isn't the same as "over." Tell her to call him in front of you. That you need to hear it to be sure.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Jellybeans i want to, but she is still in the place that our marriage is over...I've told her over and over I want to work on it but she has not once reciprocated. She is still very mad and hurt over the things I've done. Right now she justifies everything she does with the fact that she waited until after she told me she wanted a divorce. I don't think I have the right to tell her to do this right now because, again, she is still in that place of wanting to separate and eventually divorce. Until she wants to work on the marriage and wants to reconcile she is going to tell me to mind my business, that's a fact. 

i want nothing more than to tell her to call him and end it, but the harder I push, the harder she pulls...


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

And the more indifferent I am and show her that I'm ok and that I'll survive the more she wants to contact me, pursue me, know what i'm doing, who I'm with. 

She's being stubborn as hell and her and her father are the two most stubborn, grudge holders I've ever et. They can cut people off without blinking an eye...i don't want to push to hard, to quickly and just push her away forever. I need her to want it too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Then do what owrks. You said it yourself...when you're indiff and show you will be ok, she pursues you.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

I'm trying to do what works but it is hard. I just want to hold her, and tell her I love her. I want to work things out and I'm not sure she does. Today is a bad day. I'm trying to stay strong, but its hard. Thanks for everything Jellybeans.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No problem, mon.

Going in circles ins't the answer. You are going to have to sit down with her and talk about where you head is at and what you want/need from the marriage. Limbo is not a good place to be. Esp when it's drawn out. 

When you're feeing down, do something that lifts you up.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

I tried last night to talk with her but she was definitely not in that place. i think she is ashamed at what she has done as am I and wants to pretend it didn't happen or at least not address it. I'm of the opinion i'd like to forget about it too. That said I need to know what she wants to do. Last night she actually grabbed my arm and pulled it over her to cuddle for the first time in a month. I think it's a good sign. I think she is taking things slowly because she is still hesitant on her trust of me, as I am of her obviously. I'd like this to be a quick fix, but I/we didn't break it over night so it's not going to be fixed overnight. I must say though, she hasn't said the words divorce, separation or even mentioned me moving to another room for a few days now. i think I should go with the flow, try to make her feel as special as I can until she gives me a reason not to and eventually she will be ready to talk....

I'm playing with the kids, submitting resumes and talking with friends to try to lift my spirits. We are meeting her for an early dinner tonight and she initiated it so that's nice. She held my hand on the way to work and gave me a nice kiss. Last night I said I love you, out of habit more than anything, and for the first time in a month she replied immediately that she loved me too. Before this she would only say it if she wanted to and never in response to me...or if she did it was an I will always love you too, BUT...this happened a few times, so maybe we are taking baby steps...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She probably is feeling ashamed. Guilt sucks. And again, I think it's a great thing you called the OM. In this case, it helped I bet.

Be there for her but don't smother her or be a doormat. Be attractive.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Thats what I'm trying to do, but I wont lie I have my moments of weakness, when I am obviously moping. But you know what she doesn't pretend not to notice. She calls me out on it and tells me to stop and tries to make a joke so I'll smile. I think she's putting forth some effort, at least the amount of effort she feels comfortable with right now. That's all I can really ask. I don't do anything I don't ant to do. she is seeing that and it seems she is starting to grow an appreciation for me again. She is talking in terms of "we" and she is focusing on the house and the kids much more than she was when everything first went down. she is showing a true concern for things she seemed not to give a **** about a few weeks ago. I'm not sure what today holds, nor tomorrow, but I do know that no matter what happens I will be able to say I did everything to save us.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hurt, I think it would be wise in your situation if you started implementing the 180. Google it on here and read and apply it.


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

I did see the 180 and I have been trying to implement it. I've been being nice, but not overly nice. I may be doing some things I shouldn't but I want her to know what she will be missing if she continues down this path. I think she is seeing it. I'm trying to always be positive in her presence without being overly enthusiastic. I am def giving her her space and freedom, but not being naive about whats going on. i refuse to be a doormat at the same time I am being sweet and nice. For the past month all she has concentrated on is the bad in our marriage never once trying to remember the good, so I am trying to make her remember. I think it's working. every day she seems to take down the wall and let me in a little more. She was supposed to work this Saturday coming up, but now she will have the whole day off. Previously she would've used this time for the kids and then going out with her friends, but she mentioned she wanted to hang out with us, as a family. I'll bet she does go out for a drink with a friend but I also think she will come home after. She would stay at friends houses or you know where before and that all seems to be done. I think soon we will be at a place where we will be able to work through it, but I'm gonna take it slow for now. I wont be a b**ch about it, but I will be patient...alot has happened, and it's gonna take time.


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## markl67 (Apr 28, 2011)

You're in a bad space man and I can relate somewhat as I was recently unemployed for 6 months which I guess leads to a lack of respect even though it wasn't my fault (laid off). I've also been divorced before and my X was having an affair so I've been there and done it. Obviously, what is happening with you is she has absolutely NO respect for you AT ALL and you've got to gain that back if things have a chance of working, which starts with gaining some self-respect. Trust me, I struggle with this everyday during my many separation(s). Your emotions tell you that by being nice and pursuing her and saying you love her you can stop her and control the situation and expect her to have sympathy and be nice bla bla. Won't work. I'm learning by reading tough love material especially a book called "Stop your Divorce" that a woman who shuts down only thinks about the negative and is actually "in love" with the negative. The more you plead, try to rationalize or go against her negative emotions the more likely she is to view you as a wimp and stomp/use you. I've tried both ways. Once you cry, beg and plead there is a power shift. Wow, I know this is friggin tough but you've got to find a way to physically separate from her and this situation or you WILL go nuts. She likely will not stop the affair under the current conditions IMO until you "stand up" (not nasty or rude) - why would she? She has her family time and her play time and she knows you're totally conquered. It sucks - I know...


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Mark thanks for the input. I agree for the most part. I've stopped begging, pleading, crying, etc... As far as the affair goes it has been almost 4 days since they have had contact. She told me it was over although I don't know what to believe. She def has changed her tune in the last few days and I'm starting to see her want me again. She knows I won't put up with the affair and knows I will "disappear" if it continues. as far as leaving the situation it isn't happening. I got two kids with this woman and I will swallow my pride for them, I will do anything to make sure they have time with both of us. This is the shi**y part obviously. If there were no kids it would be over I think. that said there are kids, I made a commitment and ultimately it was my actions for an extended period of time that drove her away. Now it's time for damage control, but I'm not naive. If I even smell a hint of an affair I will detach. things have progressively gotten better for us since the minute she mentioned a D. Things have gotten even better since the affair has stopped. It takes two and if she's not willing to work at well then there's nothing to work at...this I'm sure of. At the same time it's not gonna be fixed over night. I'm gonna try to be patient, try to earn her respect and appreciation back and go from there. We have been taking baby steps, but even the baby steps are huge when I think about how adamant she was just 4 weeks ago about D and moving out. Since then she has relented to a S and co-parenting but me living in spare room. And in the last few days she has not even mentioned a separation or me going to another room and in fact has asked me repeatedly to come back to bed and spend time with her. it's tough with what happened, but I really have no one to blame but myself and my actions...which makes it even harder.


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## markl67 (Apr 28, 2011)

Yep, definitely the kids make it even tougher - been there too. Try not to get ur hopes up too much right now. This I struggle with everyday since I tend to be an emotional person - getting whipsawed by her comments or actions. I'm really trying to use my head, not emotions when acting or speaking. If this stays on track for you guys and I pray to God it does, you will have forgiveness issues to get past for sure - been there too...


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## hurtbad4444 (Apr 25, 2011)

Yeah, we will both have forgiveness/trust issues to deal with, but I believe it is doable. I've been with her since I was 23 and she was 22, we are now 35 and 34. Nothing like this has ever happened and its because I never acted the way I did these past two years. All marriages are bumpy and everyone makes mistakes. If she promises to recomit to me and I hold up my end for her I believe 100% we can and will get through this.


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## brownbear (May 20, 2011)

if what you say is true then she sounds like a liar and one of those supreme excuse makers.
she is also with another man. get rid of her asap. you may agonise for months and years over this and it wont work out. 
free your mind and move on, theres only one shot at life.


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