# Wife gets annoyed at some behaviors...



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I have been experiencing that my wife gets very annoyed at 2 things that I do or she thinks that I do.

1. Walk with hands in my pockets. When I accompany her to a mall or store, I walk with her with my hands in my pockets. Going to the mall is not my favorite place to be but I go when needed. She gets very annoyed and makes me take them out. What is the big deal?

2. She thinks I make a loud chomping sound when I eat. We usually order in takeout on Fridays and eat in the family room and I have now become very concious because she invariably looks at me disapprovingly when I am eating saying that I am being loud. 

Again, what is the big deal? I eat with my mouth closed (at least mostly), and I am in my own home with my own family. I don't want to snap back at her but it feels like she is trying to control me.

Another thing is she gets annoyed when I sit in a certain way on the couch as if I am relaxing. Now after a busy day's work, I don't see this to be a problem. She usually gets grumpy when she has something to do and I don't. I never complain when she relaxes.

How should I deal with this?


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

nirvana said:


> I have been experiencing that my wife gets very annoyed at 2 things that I do or she thinks that I do.
> 
> 1. Walk with hands in my pockets. When I accompany her to a mall or store, I walk with her with my hands in my pockets. Going to the mall is not my favorite place to be but I go when needed. She gets very annoyed and makes me take them out. What is the big deal?
> 
> ...


Hate to say this but its a fact of life. My wife gets annoyed when I don't put the toilet seat down, don't mop up the water that spashes out of the shower in the bathroom, don't close cabinet doors or leave the oven on. She gets so exasperated, geez. I guess the oven could burn the house down so that one is legit. She does some of the same things but its not worth the grief to tell her. 

I think she wants attention and help to be honest. Probably feels like she is raising a child, but then men are all like kids. We fart, spit, pick our noses, scratch our butts, and rearrange ourselves, hell we never outgrow that stuff. :surprise:

Anyway, you need to do what you want and ignore, that's what I do most of the time.

PS: The most annoying thing she does to me is put things in their specifically appropriate place, however that place changes every time she puts it back. She asked me for pliers the other day, told me what drawer they were in and then got mad at me because I didn't read her mind that she really meant a phillips head screwdriver.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Noting that your post number is currently 666. My response is thus weighted towards evil.

1. Always hold her hand when out with her in public (it looks like you want to be with her), or don't go shopping with her. (Besides, holding her hand makes it harder to pull out her credit card.)
2. When next out shopping with her, buy her noise-cancelling headphones to wear when you are eating, turn up the TV in the family room, or eat in a distant corner of the house or garage (she is being unreasonable about this one). Oh, you could also eat only soft food, or starve. Problem solved.
3. If she disapproves of you relaxing, be sure to find something for both of you to do each and every time you see her relaxing. If she complains, tell her that she does not like it when you relax, and you have learned to apply her standards, too.

Good luck!


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Noting that your post number is currently 666. My response is thus weighted towards evil.



ha ha I noticed that too! (a few posts ago)
And get this, when I was walking to work this morning, I noticed Cab No 666 drive by!
Spooky huh!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

nirvana said:


> I have been experiencing that my wife gets very annoyed at 2 things that I do or she thinks that I do.
> 
> 1. Walk with hands in my pockets. When I accompany her to a mall or store, I walk with her with my hands in my pockets. Going to the mall is not my favorite place to be but I go when needed. She gets very annoyed and makes me take them out. What is the big deal?
> 
> ...


You have latched on to one of the very abundant females who have promoted themselves to a position of supervision over their male companion. It isn't the hands in the pockets or the chomping that annoys her. It's that you're an idiot, you need supervision, and that is her job because she has a vagina and you don't. You will never adjust fire enough to please her. There is nothing to gain by even attempting to do so as any attempt will only reinforce her belief that she is your boss. American men marry a woman. American women marry a project.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> You have latched on to one of the very abundant females who have promoted themselves to a position of supervision over their male companion. It isn't the hands in the pockets or the chomping that annoys her. It's that you're an idiot, you need supervision, and that is her job because she has a vagina and you don't. You will never adjust fire enough to please her. There is nothing to gain by even attempting to do so as any attempt will only reinforce her belief that she is your boss. American men marry a woman. American women marry a project.


You are probably right.

But I think it is all/most women, not just American. My wife is is of Indian origin but lives in America (just like myself)

There is a saying that a man marries a woman and hopes that she won't change. A woman marries a man and makes it her life project to change him (to what she wants). I see that everywhere.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

nirvana said:


> You are probably right.
> 
> But I think it is all/most women, not just American. My wife is is of Indian origin but lives in America (just like myself)
> 
> There is a saying that a man marries a woman and hopes that she won't change. A woman marries a man and makes it her life project to change him (to what she wants). I see that everywhere.


That's a great quote.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

nirvana said:


> I have been experiencing that my wife gets very annoyed at 2 things that I do or she thinks that I do.
> 
> 1. Walk with hands in my pockets. When I accompany her to a mall or store, I walk with her with my hands in my pockets. Going to the mall is not my favorite place to be but I go when needed. She gets very annoyed and makes me take them out. What is the big deal?
> 
> ...




When my wife and I go out, we usually hold hands. I don't think I've ever walked with my hands in my pockets.

My wife is the noisier chomping eater.

Sometimes I chill on the couch with my legs sorta spread apart. She sees this and tells me to close my legs, so I fart....0

Mrs.CuddleBug gets grumpy when she has to do chores because she lets them pile up all week. I do a little each day so they never pile up.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Next time, hold her hand or walk with your arm around her. I can't stand it when my bf walks ahead of me ( and im a very fast walker). I'm his gf, show it and act like it! I don't require it every single time of course, but I like it when he shows a little pda.

I've diagnosed myself with misophonia. Its an extreme aversion to loud mouth noises. I think it's an anxiety/ocd issue. I remember having to leave the table as a teen during dinner because my father made smacking noises when he ate. Ill admit its a huge issue for me.

The way you sit on the couch? I got nothing. Perhaps she thinks you don't do enough around the house?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

If you don't want to go to the shops then just don't. Why be dragged around doing something that is boring?
If you are there hold her hand, one of you has to soften in the relationship because TBH the ongoing whinging you do is not pro active, sounds like you both like living in dysfunction.

The loud eating, sorry people this is revolting. Tone it down and act like a grown man, you know a man that a woman would want to have sex with.

Lazing on the couch, well if someone was pissed off with the way I relaxed I would make an even bigger effort to relax for longer.

You two sound like a complete waste of each others time.





> I think she wants attention and help to be honest. Probably feels like she is raising a child, but then men are all like kids. We fart, spit, pick our noses, scratch our butts, and rearrange ourselves, hell we never outgrow that stuff.


No not all men are like kids, the type that behaves this way are. It is said often on TAM this is the way men behave, the truth is it is the way immature, uncultured men behave.

If you are a man that wants to behave this way then it is best to seek a mate that is also classless and that can live with you.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

nirvana said:


> I have been experiencing that my wife gets very annoyed at 2 things that I do or she thinks that I do.
> 
> 1. Walk with hands in my pockets. When I accompany her to a mall or store, I walk with her with my hands in my pockets. Going to the mall is not my favorite place to be but I go when needed. She gets very annoyed and makes me take them out. What is the big deal?
> 
> ...


Regarding this "chomping" issue. My daughter of 16 was actually diagnosed with some sort of condition. It's a medical condition called "misophonia." My daughter will not eat at the table with us. She will not watch tv with us if we're eating anything crunchy.

Just wanted to throw that out for ya:grin2:


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Nirvana, 
This "misophonia" IS real. I live with it in my house every day. I try to be courteous to my daughter, but sometimes I just want to watch the "game" and munch. It's my castle man!

Anyway, 
If I were you I would try not to eat in front of your wife. If she asks why, you simply tell her "you get annoyed when I eat in front of you, so unless you can reach the point where you can deal with it, I'll try to eat away from you.

On the hands in pocket deal, that could go a couple ways. You could say "sorry, not going to the mall with you because I like to walk with my hands in my pockets. Unless you can bring yourself to deal with it, I am not going to the mall with you." Or, you could simply walk with your hands out. I think this can be done.

Regarding your relaxed "pose", don't know what to say. At some point she has to realize that you actually LIVE together and she must be able to deal with your personality to some degree. It's not like your eating your boogers.

I think all this MAY be related to "misophonia" and it might be a revelation to her if she studied it and perhaps learned ways to deal with it.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> Next time, hold her hand or walk with your arm around her. I can't stand it when my bf walks ahead of me ( and im a very fast walker). I'm his gf, show it and act like it! I don't require it every single time of course, but I like it when he shows a little pda.
> 
> I've diagnosed myself with misophonia. Its an extreme aversion to loud mouth noises. I think it's an anxiety/ocd issue. I remember having to leave the table as a teen during dinner because my father made smacking noises when he ate. Ill admit its a huge issue for me.
> 
> The way you sit on the couch? I got nothing. Perhaps she thinks you don't do enough around the house?


My wife complains that I am "aloof" at social gatherings and parties and don't treat her like a woman. I asked her what she meant by that and she said that I never gave her attention and made her feel special. Okay, give me more specifics, honey. That is where she is confused and just gets angrier. 

She says she wants some PDA and I am the type of guy who likes PDA and does not care of what people think (she does). So in public if I put my arm around her or hold her hand or give her a peck on her cheek or something tame like that she gets conscious and I feel resistance. She says I could appreciate her dressing and say she looks nice... AND I DO IT ALL THE TIME!! She sometimes tries on new outfits she gets for me and my eyes light up because she looks very beautiful. I tell her that. And she complains that I don't tell her that. OK. Maybe the problem is with me - I shouldn't let this bother me.

So my take is that she just likes to complain and will find anything to complain.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> Next time, hold her hand or walk with your arm around her. I can't stand it when my bf walks ahead of me ( and im a very fast walker). I'm his gf, show it and act like it! I don't require it every single time of course, but I like it when he shows a little pda.
> 
> I've diagnosed myself with misophonia. Its an extreme aversion to loud mouth noises. I think it's an anxiety/ocd issue. I remember having to leave the table as a teen during dinner because my father made smacking noises when he ate. Ill admit its a huge issue for me.
> 
> The way you sit on the couch? I got nothing. Perhaps she thinks you don't do enough around the house?


Well, she does a lot and so do I. But it fits her narrative to complain that only she does things and I don't. Much more fun and ego boosting. I have a different older thread on that here.

The other day we were at a party and one of the ladies brought up this topic. Turns out I did much more than the other guys there. Most didn't seem to care what their wives thought so I guess I should also do the same. My problem is I want her to feel happy and fulfilled. Maybe reverse psychology works where I do what I need to do and she will find a way to be happy on her own.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

nirvana said:


> My wife complains that I am "aloof" at social gatherings and parties and don't treat her like a woman. I asked her what she meant by that and she said that I never gave her attention and made her feel special. Okay, give me more specifics, honey. That is where she is confused and just gets angrier.
> 
> She says she wants some PDA and I am the type of guy who likes PDA and does not care of what people think (she does). So in public if I put my arm around her or hold her hand or give her a peck on her cheek or something tame like that she gets conscious and I feel resistance.
> 
> So my take is that she just likes to complain and will find anything to complain.


When my wife seemingly wants me to "dance on one foot" or makes no sense whatsoever I have been consciously looking her in the eyes, smiling, then planting a big kiss on her and saying something like "you're so cute" or "I love you" and then completely changing the subject.

No resentment, no hurt feelings on my part. I just look at her as if she is my 12 year old daughter, hug and kiss her like I am her father and that her boo boo will go away soon enough. (don't verbally tell her about the boo boo )

It works like a charm!


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

UMP said:


> When my wife seemingly wants me to "dance on one foot" or makes no sense whatsoever I have been consciously looking her in the eyes, smiling, then planting a big kiss on her and saying something like "you're so cute" or "I love you" and then completely changing the subject.
> 
> No resentment, no hurt feelings on my part. I just look at her as if she is my 12 year old daughter, hug and kiss her like I am her father and that her boo boo will go away soon enough. (don't verbally tell her about the boo boo )
> 
> It works like a charm!


I think you are right. My mistake is my engineer's mind begins to analyze the situation and pick it apart. Wrong move. 
I've done it a few times and she's complained a bit and then gotten in a better mood. Maybe it is a woman-hormone thing. 

I just need to do what you say above.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

nirvana said:


> I think you are right. My mistake is my engineer's mind begins to analyze the situation and pick it apart. Wrong move.
> I've done it a few times and she's complained a bit and then gotten in a better mood. Maybe it is a woman-hormone thing.
> 
> I just need to do what you say above.


One story I want to tell. I was at a national auto race years ago(used to race cars) and the head of the club racing outfit was there trying to start his Porsche 917 race car. He had a private mechanic and had not tracked the car in forever. It would simply NOT start. He got so pissed off and started screaming at his wife in front of EVERYONE. She was petrified and he had lost his mind. 

As they were screaming at each other for some reason I could feel his wifes pain. I walked up between them and started hugging his wife real tight. (keep in mind I had never even met this woman) He was still screaming while I was doing this. In a matter of seconds her body became limp in my arms and all her anger just left her. She looked at me, smiled and calmly walked away.

You will be amazed at what this can do.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

UMP said:


> Nirvana,
> This "misophonia" IS real. I live with it in my house every day. I try to be courteous to my daughter, but sometimes I just want to watch the "game" and munch. It's my castle man!
> 
> Anyway,
> ...



I don't really eat noisily, but I don't eat daintily like a woman either. I eat like a man does and don't pick and prod at my food and don't pluck one grain of rice and eat it. I have seen slobs eating with food dripping off and I don't do that by any means. I think it maybe her way of taming me. 

Hands in pockets, she feels that it looks "aloof" and unconnected like I don't care about being there. While going to the mall isn't my favorite thing, but I don't hate it. I just walk that way because I don't like flapping my hands around. What is the big deal with the whining?

When I relax, I do it after making sure my family is financially secure and safe and my work is done. So I don't really give a F what she thinks which bugs her even more especially when she has things to do like make dinner. I would plan better than her and cook 3 times a week and recycle but she insists on "fresh" so it's her problem.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

UMP said:


> One story I want to tell. I was at a national auto race years ago(used to race cars) and the head of the club racing outfit was there trying to start his Porsche 917 race car. He had a private mechanic and had not tracked the car in forever. It would simply NOT start. He got so pissed off and started screaming at his wife in front of EVERYONE. She was petrified and he had lost his mind.
> 
> As they were screaming at each other for some reason I could feel his wifes pain. I walked up between them and started hugging his wife real tight. (keep in mind I had never even met this woman) He was still screaming while I was doing this. In a matter of seconds her body became limp in my arms and all her anger just left her. She looked at me, smiled and calmly walked away.
> 
> You will be amazed at what this can do.


Good stuff! I am surprised she didn't recoil when a strange man was hugging her! Or her husband getting protective.

I'll try it.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

nirvana said:


> I have been experiencing that my wife gets very annoyed at 2 things that I do or she thinks that I do.
> 
> 1. Walk with hands in my pockets. When I accompany her to a mall or store, I walk with her with my hands in my pockets. Going to the mall is not my favorite place to be but I go when needed. She gets very annoyed and makes me take them out. What is the big deal?
> 
> ...


First, evaluate whether any "behavior" would benefit from modification. Lay out the alternatives in front of yourself and determine how you want to present yourself. If you still don't see an issue, then you are happy with your level of effort and do not see the behavior as being wrong.

Next, evaluate your reaction that she elicits within you when giving you grief. Humans (often subconsciously) use emotions as bargaining tools. You are to do or not do XYZ or face the consequences. What do you do when faced with this attempt at control? Give her no evidence that she has affected your emotional state. Act in a "shrug of the shoulders" manner. Tilt your head slightly, raise one eyebrow and say "hrmm?". Deny her the emotional reaction she wants out of you and keep acting in the same (nice and calm) manner. If she questions you about it, then keep your answers very short (facts only). If she indicates her displeasure, then let her elaborate, possibly by posing questions to indicate your interest. Then, move on.

Relationship Teacher


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

nirvana said:


> Good stuff! I am surprised she didn't recoil when a strange man was hugging her! Or her husband getting protective.
> 
> I'll try it.


He knew who I was and respected me.

His mind was on another planet and there were hundreds of people around. She could feel my empathy and simply melted in my arms. Sometimes, that's all they really need. A "real" hug.

Many times, life itself makes absolutely NO sense. There is no rime or reason we can grasp. Your wife does know one thing, whatever it is that's bothering her REALLY does hurt, and she herself probably cannot make any sense out of it, so she lashes out at you.

The primal feeling of having the man she loves look beyond her pain, not argue and simply smile, hug and kiss her somehow fixes everything. Nothing in this post makes any logical sense, but it does work.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

nirvana said:


> My wife complains that I am "aloof" at social gatherings and parties and don't treat her like a woman. I asked her what she meant by that and she said that I never gave her attention and made her feel special. Okay, give me more specifics, honey. That is where she is confused and just gets angrier.


Well, that's on her if she doesn't give you specifics. Perhaps I can help. Do you get her drinks while you're at a party? Do you circle around very so often and check on her, smile at her from across the room, make her feel like she's the most beautiful woman in the room and that you're proud to be with her, that she's YOUR woman?

I realize it's kind of tricky to decipher. I think, though, that your wife should be more forthcoming with specifics. You're not a mind reader.

I'll tell you though, that I absolutely adore it when my BF shows some sort of affection toward me in public. It shows the world that I'm his, and he's mine. It makes me feel wanted and special, and that he only has eyes for me. I know that sounds very childish, but it's how I feel. :smile2:


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> Well, that's on her if she doesn't give you specifics. Perhaps I can help. Do you get her drinks while you're at a party? Do you circle around very so often and check on her, smile at her from across the room, make her feel like she's the most beautiful woman in the room and that you're proud to be with her, that she's YOUR woman?
> 
> I realize it's kind of tricky to decipher. I think, though, that your wife should be more forthcoming with specifics. You're not a mind reader.
> 
> I'll tell you though, that I absolutely adore it when my BF shows some sort of affection toward me in public. It shows the world that I'm his, and he's mine. It makes me feel wanted and special, and that he only has eyes for me. *I know that sounds very childish, but it's how I feel. *:smile2:


I agree with you except for one thing.
That does not sound childish in the least. It does however sound feminine. Good for you!


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

Except for the loud eating, (if in fact it is true) I see little rational reason for her to be annoyed with these behaviors.

In my experience, when I am upset (no, PISSED) at my husband, everything he does is kind of annoying. So, what ever is the real cause must be dealt with before I can adjust my attitude on the little annoyances that seem so big.

Is it possible there is something simmering in the background that you two need to deal with? Maybe something that she expressed a desire about that you said you would work on/change that maybe, just maybe, you either forgot about or decided to ignore and hope it went away? 

(A typical example: My husband told me he would finish painting our bedroom over 4 years ago. He still has not. There are paint slops around the crown molding he and I installed and the inside of the closet is still the color we were painting over. Until I accepted that he was never going to do it, I was angry at him about another broken promise and it spilled over into other parts of our relationship.)

I mean in way to blame YOU for HER behavior, but merely to suggest a couple reasons why this behavior has cropped up.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> Well, that's on her if she doesn't give you specifics. Perhaps I can help. Do you get her drinks while you're at a party? Do you circle around very so often and check on her, smile at her from across the room, make her feel like she's the most beautiful woman in the room and that you're proud to be with her, that she's YOUR woman?
> 
> I realize it's kind of tricky to decipher. I think, though, that your wife should be more forthcoming with specifics. You're not a mind reader.
> 
> I'll tell you though, that I absolutely adore it when my BF shows some sort of affection toward me in public. It shows the world that I'm his, and he's mine. It makes me feel wanted and special, and that he only has eyes for me. I know that sounds very childish, but it's how I feel. :smile2:



lucy I like your suggestions. I don't really do that and maybe that's what would make her happy. You give me more detail than my wife herself does! Maybe she wants me to figure it out myself and her asking for it would make her feel silly. Like asking for one's own birthday gift.

The reason why I don't do that is maybe because she does not make me feel special in public either. So it's a loop. Like she will never hold my hand or my arm or say anything nice about me to others in front of me. I don;t mind being the one to break the loop, but I need to see some effort from her side also.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

She did that yesterday as well. It's almost a habit with her. I feel like snapping at her, but I hold myself back.

She wants me to behave like a woman. Her father has many feminine characteristics. I can see that as a man, and she cannot see it because she is a woman and she is his daughter. For example, he will never say "no", he will waffle and avoid the issue so he can come out smelling of roses without hurting anyone.

I wouldn't be surprised if she has this or that to gripe about, we all do. I don't think anyone is 100% satisfied with their partner. But what's the big deal. I don't make a fool of myself in public, I do well in life overall, I work hard, am caring, sacrifice for the family, she should be happy that she has a husband like me. She needs to think about the goods rather than fixate on the "bads".



Cara said:


> Except for the loud eating, (if in fact it is true) I see little rational reason for her to be annoyed with these behaviors.
> 
> In my experience, when I am upset (no, PISSED) at my husband, everything he does is kind of annoying. So, what ever is the real cause must be dealt with before I can adjust my attitude on the little annoyances that seem so big.
> 
> ...


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Cara said:


> Except for the loud eating, (if in fact it is true) I see little rational reason for her to be annoyed with these behaviors.
> 
> In my experience, when I am upset (no, PISSED) at my husband, everything he does is kind of annoying. So, what ever is the real cause must be dealt with before I can adjust my attitude on the little annoyances that seem so big.
> 
> ...


OP i can not agree with this more. i believe this has nothing to do with your hands in your pockets or the volume level of you chewing food. 

this is nothing more than total disrespect from your wife that borderlines disdain. I bet you could sit here and point out a few annoying behaviors your wife does......yet you let them slide because you love her and accept her for her flaws.

that behavior isn't being reciprocated. she sees you as the root of her misery in life and projects life woes on you. the problem is with your wife and her outlook. sadly, maybe trying to be a nice guy or compassionate husband...you may have even catered to these behaviors.

I am no shrink but cant tell you serious therapy is needed for your wife to adjust her perspectives and outlook. its possible it will do no good and she would just be argumentative with a counselor who doesn't agree with her. she doesnt fear you standing up to her, blames you for everything she doesnt have and has zero respect for you.

my suggestion? stop going to the mall with her. and tell her since your mall hands manners arent acceptable....you wont trouble her by keeping her company. eat you rfood when she isnt around....when she complains.....tell her you dont wish to make her uncomfortable with because of your eating habits.

basically im saying do a mild 180 on her. time to stop catering to her nitpicking and childish demands that have nothing to do with the root issues of your marriage.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

x598 said:


> OP i can not agree with this more. i believe this has nothing to do with your hands in your pockets or the volume level of you chewing food.
> 
> this is nothing more than total disrespect from your wife that borderlines disdain. I bet you could sit here and point out a few annoying behaviors your wife does......yet you let them slide because you love her and accept her for her flaws.
> 
> ...


There are times when she is really sweet. Like right now. She calls me her special name and makes me juice and is a delight. Of course, I'd like to hug and kiss and she doesn't do much of that but at least she isn't nasty. She was telling me today how we are in a good situation and how this toxic friend would be very jealous. 

Then something flips and she gets grumpy and looks to nitpick.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Paranoid thought here, based on seeing it happen.

Had a relative start complaining about her SO chewing too loudly, how he sat on couch, etc.

Turns out she already had a new piece of beefcake on the line, and was justifying to herself why she was getting ready to dump her SO.

Nothing SO could do, she had her mind made up.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> American men marry a woman. American women marry a project.


I'm an American woman and please don't lump me into this category.

I detest women like this. Judgmental, annoying women who have no respect for men...don't think men can do anything right...and who think its ok to talk to men like they're dogs. As if they are perfect models of behavior.

I've seen women like this openly berate their significant others in public.

You're a grown man and an adult and decide without her authority how to walk, where to put your hands, and how to eat. 

If it were me, I wouldn't hold this chick's hand at all...in fact, I wouldn't tolerate or kowtow to any of her disrespectful, hateful behavior. I'd pack her s**t and tell her not to let the door hit her in the ***** on the way out.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Hold her hand when you are out. It is a great way to show affection and be present with the other person when strolling around a mall or anywhere else for that matter.

Don't let your wife tell you how to sit while in your own home. Man up and tell her you are the King of your Castle. 

As for the eating, you have had lots of replies about that. 

And, whoever wrote that garbage about American women, well obviously their picker must be broken if that is the type of women they are attracting. Too bad for you.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Sun Catcher said:


> Hold her hand when you are out. It is a great way to show affection and be present with the other person when strolling around a mall or anywhere else for that matter.
> 
> Don't let your wife tell you how to sit while in your own home. Man up and tell her you are the King of your Castle.
> 
> ...


She only complains about my sitting when she has to do something and I don't. It's her way of complaining that she has too much (and I don't). I just ignore her. She probably wants to involve me into a discussion which turns into a fight, so I just let her say whatever she wants and sit the way I want. I work hard and do a lot of housework so I don't feel guilty about anything.

Its more like "look at you.... chilling on the couch while I am working here". It's not my fault that her time management sucks.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

nirvana said:


> You are probably right.
> 
> But I think it is all/most women, not just American. My wife is is of Indian origin but lives in America (just like myself)
> 
> There is a saying that a man marries a woman and hopes that she won't change. A woman marries a man and makes it her life project to change him (to what she wants). I see that everywhere.


You wife behavior does seems to suggest some loss of respect for you or perhaps it is passive aggressive signaling over something she is feeling that is more substantive. Either way it is a clear indication she is not feeling the marriage I think. As you say these things are really minor and making them an issue is some kind of projection.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

ScrambledEggs said:


> You wife behavior does seems to suggest some loss of respect for you or perhaps it is passive aggressive signaling over something she is feeling that is more substantive. Either way it is a clear indication she is not feeling the marriage I think. As you say these things are really minor and making them an issue is some kind of projection.


She has low self esteem which translates into a feeling that her friends got it made while she is the unfortunate one, but when you look at our situation, she has everything that our peers have. She just loves to complain.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

nirvana said:


> She has low self esteem which translates into a feeling that her friends got it made while she is the unfortunate one, but when you look at our situation, she has everything that our peers have. She just loves to complain.


I don't know what to advise you. I have had a long relationship where there was a lot of petty unhappiness on her part. I fall back on my original post. This is projection and passive aggressive behavior over more serious issues that has feeling about and you are not talking about together. There is great peril in not dealing with this.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

nirvana said:


> There are times when she is really sweet. Like right now. She calls me her special name and makes me juice and is a delight. Of course, I'd like to hug and kiss and she doesn't do much of that but at least she isn't nasty. She was telling me today how we are in a good situation and how this toxic friend would be very jealous.
> 
> Then something flips and she gets grumpy and looks to nitpick.


oh i see. what you are saying is she has "good moments".......LIKE WHO CARES......that doesn't EXCUSE THE BAD ONES.

would your wife put up with you treating her poorly because you treated her nicely last week? 

listen to the other postesr and myself......your wife is in a living fantasy right now........those nasty moments are when she is holding you silently responsible for not living up to her fantasies. as for where those fantasies come from....well, affairs, toxic friends, social media, low self esteem, poor parental role models etc etc etc

you can not fix this. the problem is you are fighting something that isnt even real. and when you play "ultra nice hubby" it only makes it worse, anything you do wont be enough to satisfy her. the problem is with her.

sorry to drop this on you like this and some here may disagree with me.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I don't know what to advise you. I have had a long relationship where there was a lot of petty unhappiness on her part. I fall back on my original post. This is projection and passive aggressive behavior over more serious issues that has feeling about and you are not talking about together. There is great peril in not dealing with this.


I think her thought process is that because she has low self esteem (she's even admitted it to me), her escape mechanism is to pull me down as well as to say "I suck, but you suck too, so I am not as bad as I think".


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

nirvana said:


> I think her thought process is that because she has low self esteem (she's even admitted it to me), her escape mechanism is to pull me down as well as to say "I suck, but you suck too, so I am not as bad as I think".


listen to the other poster and myself in warning you that you are in great peril not dealing with this.

based on your words above....this is like cancer that grows and spreads in your marriage. as time goes on......she will silently begrudge you for things like her friends having been on nicer vacations, having a nicer home etc and blame it all on you.

if you bury your head in the sand with this or try and live up to her unrealistic expectations, or try and "nice" her out of it....you are setting your self up for more/worse misery down the road with her.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Yes, but I am not sure of what can be done here. She needs to be realistic. All things considered, we are doing well. Good finances, good health, kids doing well, nice house, a few trips every year, career doing well etc. Of course, there will always be someone who is better at one thing or the other. I don't know if it is possible to be better than everyone in everything. 

I've never really given in to her, if I had, I would have bought her a lot of useless things and we would probably be in debt. At the cost of being popular, I have withstood it. Now that we are in even better financial shape with 2 jobs and good salaries and savings, I am opening up a bit more. I spend only whatever I have. We just ordered a leather couch set that she wanted. I was okay with it because we can pay for it now (taking their financing got me 10% discount). 

Beyond that, she needs to just grow up and mature.

In the end, the onus is on me. I should ignore all the silly demands, then she will stop them.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I would also wonder if it's a general annoyance with just you and she's picking little things because she's annoyed and upset with you in general. 

She doesn't like that you relax while she works, this one bothers me too but that is more of a general feeling that things are not equal. You feel they are, does she?

How much time do you spend just together, alone? Do you meet each other's needs, romantic with each other? Money and a home and kids doing well is great but couple stuff and making sure that you are still dating and tending to each other is more important.

When I feel loved and in love with my H, his little annoying things don't bother me. When I am not feeling that, I notice them all. 
I'd look at what's going on in general.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I would also wonder if it's a general annoyance with just you and she's picking little things because she's annoyed and upset with you in general.
> 
> She doesn't like that you relax while she works, this one bothers me too but that is more of a general feeling that things are not equal. You feel they are, does she?
> 
> ...


When she points out noisy eating (in her mind), she is almost never in an angry *****y mood. Maybe just any noisy annoys her. 

However, if she's had a rough day and more things to do and she sees me on the couch, that is when she is in a bad mood and grumbles that she does "everything".

I think we do things equally. She likes to think not, but then I am not sure how I can do more. These days i tell her explicitly the things I do for her like fill gas in her car, take it to an oil change etc. I think she takes me for granted and assumes that the car fills itself.

We need to do more dating type things. I will concede that, and I need to take the lead. She has a tendency to resist and say lets bring the kids along too. Her sister is the opposite, she does not want to be bothered by her kids and is okay with leaving them at a day care. She was commenting about it and I said that I don't completely agree. That didn't go down very well!
The sister seems more happy and more fun to talk to than my wife because she takes care of herself and does what she needs to do for herself. My wife sees herself as a suffering martyr. Suffer for the kids, not husband of course, so I get screwed both ways.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You have mentioned low self esteem in your other threads, but I don't think that is the problem. I think the problem is that your wife is a dissatisfied complainer. She has a problem with not being thankful for her life.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> You have mentioned low self esteem in your other threads, but I don't think that is the problem. I think the problem is that your wife is a dissatisfied complainer. She has a problem with not being thankful for her life.


couldnt agree with this more. I would only add she is blaming YOU for the things in life she isnt receiving but feels entitled to.



> Yes, but I am not sure of what can be done here. She needs to be realistic. All things considered, we are doing well. Good finances, good health, kids doing well, nice house, a few trips every year, career doing well etc. Of course, there will always be someone who is better at one thing or the other. I don't know if it is possible to be better than everyone in everything.


as myself and some here have pointed out.....YOU ARE RIGHT...there isnt much of anything YOU can do when she views you and your actions so disrespectfully. 

you point out the things you have to be thankful for......but obviously she doesnt see it that way. its called perception, and you two are on different planets in this regard.


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## Purple Cat (Dec 6, 2012)

Her getting angry at you relaxing could be a misguided call for help. 

I do most of the cooking in our house in addition to dishes and cleaning. I also work longer hours. My wife does work later than me and often gets home when I am working on dinner. By this time, I have picked up our kids, fed horses, hooked up kids with snacks, and started dinner. She will often come in and lie down on the couch and play games on her tablet. 

It can get irritating and can make me feel like I am doing everything. Your wife could be having the same feeling. I know she does things to help but at times when busy it is annoying to see her relaxing.

Eating and hands in pockets I got nothing to say for those.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I'm an American woman and please don't lump me into this category.
> 
> I detest women like this. Judgmental, annoying women who have no respect for men...don't think men can do anything right...and who think its ok to talk to men like they're dogs. As if they are perfect models of behavior.
> 
> ...


You at correct not all women are like this at all. Mostly I find we teach people how to treat us. She sounds like such a miserable ***** . My response would be similar to yours. I would say Hun sounds like your just miserable all the time, by all mean feel free to leave when you want.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

'She makes me take them out...' 

She isn't making you do anything. You have free will. You also have a voice.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Put your foot down and tell this woman that she is not your mother.

I hate to say it but she seems to resent you. she's just looking for way to bark at you. 

why would you even go to the mall with your wife? If you need something go by yourself. if she needs something she can go by herself.

going to the mall with your wife is about the most unenjoyably thing I can think of. Yea you should spend time together but In my opinion it should be dinner,movies,fleamarkets or things you both like to do.

lets go to the mall.......sorry honey not my cup of tea......its hunting season and there are deer to kill so we have food in the fridge. see you tonight we can grab dinner and a movie then I,m going to ravish your sexy a$$! Buy something sex to wear tonight. and for crying out loud make me a sandwich!!!!!!!


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

If she is annoyed with you for relaxing while she works, but you think you've done your share, then it seems like you each have a different idea of what everyone is expected to do.

You feel that you each do your parts in your own time. And she feels that everyone pitches in until all the work is done.

Neither way is right or wrong. The real problem is that you're just not on the same page about it. I think it's time to sit down and re-evaluate the division of labor. If you reach an agreement you both can live with, the huffing and puffing over you sitting on the couch should settle down.


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

nirvana said:


> I have been experiencing that my wife gets very annoyed at 2 things that I do or she thinks that I do.
> 
> 1. Walk with hands in my pockets. When I accompany her to a mall or store, I walk with her with my hands in my pockets. Going to the mall is not my favorite place to be but I go when needed. She gets very annoyed and makes me take them out. What is the big deal?
> 
> ...


As to the first point, have you asked her why putting your hands in your pockets bothers her? Is it because she feels that you don't want to go with her and it's a visual confirmation of that? Is it that it makes her feel closed off from her? Do you ever hold her hand?
Do you jiggle your keys or coins while you walk? I'm not sure why it annoys her, but there is likely a reason. If you do it just because it's comfortable for you to do so, then explain that to her. 

For the chewing/eating noises. I actually have a huge issue with the sounds of someone eating/drinking, smacking near me. Now, if we are all eating it's ok. But if I'm sitting on the couch and someone decides to sit next to me and eat... I do get annoyed and I either move or I ask them to move. It's not that they are eating. It's not for any reason than I actually have a physical response to it. It's like nails on a chalkboard. I'd rather listen to someone draw their nails down one than to have them sit next to me making eating noises. Can I identify the reason? Nope. Does it make any real sense? Nope. Does my family love me anyway? Yup. They all know it bothers me. Sometimes they forget. I don't get into arguments about it. I don't say mean things. I'll just move away. 

I'd say, if it seems like she has pet peeves about some of the things you do or your mannerisms, just ask about it. You do deserve to be comfortable but so does she, so it's a matter of motives and compromises. 

Personally, as long as you aren't tearing up upholstery with your steel-toed boots, you should be able to sit however you are comfortable. Course, if you took up the whole couch and she was expected to sit on the floor... then I'd get pissy on her behalf


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> Put your foot down and tell this woman that she is not your mother.
> 
> I hate to say it but she seems to resent you. she's just looking for way to bark at you.
> 
> ...


This.

TBH OP you whinge a lot, are you like this with your wife? Be a man for goodness sake. Be a man that your wife can respect, not a sooky little boy.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Momma,
She says that hands in my pockets means that I am being aloof and display a "don't care, not involved" attitude. I don't think it does, but whatever.

The best way to deal with it is to ignore when she gets crabby and not engage or get drawn into negativity. Let her say whatever she wants to and get it out of her system and then she ends up feeling better. If I involve myself, and I say something, then I become the bad guy. That;s what I do these days.


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

nirvana said:


> Momma,
> She says that hands in my pockets means that I am being aloof and display a "don't care, not involved" attitude. I don't think it does, but whatever.
> 
> The best way to deal with it is to ignore when she gets crabby and not engage or get drawn into negativity. Let her say whatever she wants to and get it out of her system and then she ends up feeling better. If I involve myself, and I say something, then I become the bad guy. That;s what I do these days.


Hmm, well. I'm not sure how good my advice would be. I'm one of those women who don't believe I should have to do something I don't want to do so never expect others to do something they don't want to do. Personally, I hate the mall. I have anxiety issues so being in crowds is uncomfortable. 

I think explaining to her that it's simply a matter of comfort and doesn't mean you don't care and you are sorry that she feels that you are aloof. The fact that you are willing to be with her, somewhere she wants to be that you don't, indicates that you care a great deal. You could open your arm and offer for her to put her arm around yours while your hands are in your pocket if she must have physical contact. 

If you really don't want to go someplace with her and the way that you are going to physically hold yourself is going to cause her discomfort (i.e. annoy her) then tell her that you will not go with her. She can accept your company and be happy with your company. Or she can choose to do it on her own. Annoyance resolved. You don't have to follow her around standing the way she wants you to stand. If calmly and nicely offering the above pisses her off... then you, my friend, do have a bigger problem. Her unwillingness to compromise or accept you as you are could lead to other issues. 

I don't know your wife, but I'm one of those women that immediately notice when I'm being ignored and being ignored is pretty much gasoline on my fire. Drives me NUTS. However, I don't complain much or often. 

Here is something I've told the men in my life, "listen, sometimes I need to *****. I need to complain. If I start *****ing and moaning about something, do us both a favor, ask me if I'm venting or if I'm asking for change."

(I'm on husband 3) It actually works well. Sometimes I'm just really frustrated or stressed or my anxiety is up and my husband does one of his things that is a pet peeve of mine and 90% of the time I shrug it off because it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of life, but because I'm stressed. My husband has just handed me a paddle and I'm about to go down with it... on him. lol. He'll say, "ok, you have a problem. Is this a problem you want me to fix or do you just want to complain for a while?"

It kind of distracts me from my rant. I'm pretty emotionally mature though, so it will cause me to pause and think. Then I'll say that I just need to vent and have him give me a hug. He nods, gives me a hug and I can tell from his eyes that he's totally zoned out, but it's ok, I'm just ranting. If it is something that is really bothering me and I need something done about it... then it's an altogether different type of discussion. 

You will never find or be with anyone that doesn't annoy the piss out of you at least some of the time. I mean, I annoy myself sometimes and there is no one there to blame but me. It's a matter of accepting those pet peeves. 

It sounds like your wife needs to consider some coping techniques and communication methods to tell you what it is that she needs from you. Just complaining that your hands are in your pockets is a cop out. 

Meh, It's Friday. I'm rambling. My husband is taking me to the casino so he can smoke cigars and I can make foolish bets on the cards. 

Good luck!


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

So this past weekend we went to a furniture store and it was cold, so I put my hands in my pockets and promptly my wife admonishes me to take them out. Very calmly I told her not to be controlling and to focus on the shopping rather than on other irrelevant things. She didn't say anything and I continued to keep my hands in my coat pockets, and for longer than I intended to just to make a point. She remained in a good mood and we ended up having hot sex that night on her own initiation. Wow, that very rarely happens... She was aggressive too and almost devoured me  . I wonder if my response had anything to do with it?

She still gives me an annoyed look at the dinner table when I eat saying I make noise. I don't think so and I think she is just too sensitive to it and I think that growing up, she had limited interaction to real men as her dad is not very masculine. I ignored her last weekend and continued to eat as I always do. Next time maybe I should tell her not to try to control me in a sweet tone.

I think deep down, she is very controlling and likes to tell everyone she can what to do. This seems to be a thing with Indian women of my generation in the US. A part of their "liberation" since most have seen very controlling dads. My FIL was and is super controlling of my MIL. The more I let her get away with such demands, the more things she would try. I found myself hamstrung to take even the most simple decisions like whether I should by handkerchiefs for myself without asking her opinion. WTF!! 

Some months ago, I decided I needed new work shoes as mine were bad. My wife's sister and her husband were visiting, so we went to the mall and I went with him to the shoe store. Selected one I liked, asked his opinion and he said it was good too. Bought it. As expected, my wife made a face when she saw it. I knew she would. "Are you sure this color is good?". "The style seems too formal..." etc etc. Enough to put doubt in my head. I decided this was my chance to get out of this rut, so I decided I was keeping it anyway and wore it to work the next day. I love it! She's not said a negative word about it since. I think she didn't really hate it, she was just trying to control or tame me. I handled it well by not being an ass om asserting myself, but just did it quietly.

She is controlling of our kids too and our older is approaching teenage. She prides herself on being a "good mom" which means pandering to them, putting them on a pedestal and neglecting me and the house (she does all cooking and well). Earlier, our son would just obey but now he is asserting himself and does not care when she tries her usual ranting. He just keeps doing whatever he is doing. Her blackmailing doesn't work either lately. I keep telling her to back off and that at his age we need to inspire him and encourage him rather than control him. She still thinks she is a great mom and has to run his life. Yesterday she was in a sullen mood because our son blew her off when she ordered him to stop playing and get in the car. Screamed at him all the way to the store when the rest of us were quiet. Then she was in a bad mood after that until bedtime. I decided to stay out of it because she'll make me the bad guy at her failures. Her mood improved this morning. She is also approaching PMS (yes, I track that) so that probably played a part.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

nirvana said:


> I handled it well by not being an ass om asserting myself, but just did it quietly.


This is exactly right. You can only control yourself, so you do what you think is right and don't make a big deal out of it.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

I haven't read all of the replies but I think behaviours affect some people and others not. For example, my ex-husband likes to shout - sneeze, fart frequently and loudly and burp multiple times after most meals. This really infuriated me!


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