# Married 7 years, wife does very little..



## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Backstory: my first wife left me 10 years ago and I raised our one child alone since she completely disappeared. About 7 years ago I was dating a nice girl whom I had an accident with. Things were going great so we made the plunge.

Fast forward to today. We have two kids <3 and 6>. One is special needs, but high functioning. She quit working when we were married to take care of the kids and house. I work 50 hours a week and make decent money. She moved into my house and I've paid her debt off. She also has one child from a previous marriage, but he's 15 and no problem.

The issue: She does almost nothing. She spends 30 minutes cleaning, and our two teenage children watch the little kids. She is either sick or has some other crisis. When I try to discuss it with her, I'm the bad guy, and I try to help with the chores as much as I can. She also has very little, er drive/

We've discussed this, therapized this, and I've bent over backwards even hiring a cleaning service at times. 

There has to be a better way here. Any ideas?


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## Larrelye (Aug 1, 2011)

Yes. "Get off your ass or get out!" No really. You've allowed her to sit around for 7 years and you are expecting a change now? Why should she. 

My husband is paralyzed from the waist down and never worked. For the first 8 years of our marriage I did not force him to work because he receives a disablitly check. Although I did request repeatedly that he do anything to get out of the house (for his health) and to make me feel like all the financial burden wasn't on me. He kept the house "picked up", dishes and laundry done, and fixed supper every night. I worked swing shifts up to 60 hours a week. After years of a stressful job that brought me to tears every day after work I up an quit on the spot. That did it. I told him, "Get off your ass and get a job!" The prospect of no income did it. He is now working full time and loves it. 

I wouldn't tell you to quit your job but you do need to let her know that you are serious and this is a deal breaker. If it isn't a deal breaker, well then you are getting exactly what you signed up for. You played provider right from the start and that is what she was expecting from this relationship.

I used to have a man come into my store and every time I saw him it was the same thing. I paid for this girl's kid's Christmas presents, took her shopping, paid her rent, and now she won't even talk to me unless she wants something! Go figure.....


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Well, the problem is yelling and making ultimatums doesn't work. I've done everything I can and she knows our kids are everything to me.

I could try to kick her out, but really would rather make this thing work... but I have no idea how.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Somehow they have it in their heads that this is perfectly acceptable and I don't understand why. Would YOU feel right in her shoes? I certainly wouldn't and I don't understand it. Could I have my beloved spouse working his butt off to support me and my kids and sit on my butt and do nothing to be a part of this partnership we are supposed to be in? Great deal for them, bad deal for us. It sucks...I know.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Boy she sure has your number, a guy that will do anything for marriage and family.
Show her some confidence that you can move on with out her and you'll take the kids with you..then she might second guess her dicisions.

I bet once she sees a confident man that knows what he wants and know what he can tolorate and can have no problem moving on with out her, then I suspect she will change her tune.

Have you asked her if she wants to stay married to you? 

That might be the place to start, b/c the new you wants to be married to a women that respect her husband and pulles there own wieght. I mean come on, your being blacked mailed by your own love for your family....she's not going to change enless she sees the changes in you. A person that deserves better, or at least diserves to be happy.

I get it , you love your family but your also being managed b/c she knows your not going any were, so perseption is everything, getting her to believe you are bettering your self for you and not for her and getting her to believe that you are a stronge man and will be successful with or with out her.

Go buy some new clothes, take the kids out more, get more involved with the kids programs, the point is show her some healthy changes in you. If she thinks your moving on with the kids, then we can only hope she joins in and then the both of you can have a healthier relationship, but first it starts with you, better your self then inproving your marriage.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

She says she loves me and we have long discussions where she tells me she'll try harder...but really it seems to be smoke and mirrors.

I am far from perfect, but I do spend every evening with our kids and I try to keep the kitchen clean. I do everything financial, and we are fine in that regard.

I personally think she hates being a housewife, but she also has zero ambition professionally.

I know she'd fight me tooth and nail about the kids if I went nuclear. I'm really stuck here...


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

Cross said:


> She says she loves me and we have long discussions where she tells me she'll try harder...but really it seems to be smoke and mirrors.
> 
> I am far from perfect, but I do spend every evening with our kids and I try to keep the kitchen clean. I do everything financial, and we are fine in that regard.
> 
> ...


Nothing works because she knows you're not going anywhere and you won't follow up. She knows this because right now, you know it's true as well. You're "stuck" because you choose to be "stuck." It's good that you love your wife and want to make it work, but you really need to get to a place where you are fully prepared to let her go--and then communicate that to her. You don't just do this thru your words, but thru your actions. A person who has confidence in himself and respects himself does not put up with what you are putting up with.

You may find some benefit from this blog/book:
Married Man Sex Life


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep, you have no follow up. You have no teeth. You've been griping for 7 years and she has had to do absolutely NOTHING and, guess what? You're still here! 

Set down VERY SPECIFIC CHORES she has to do. Sit down the entire family and tell them that you and mom have made an agreement and THIS (show them on a chart) is what mom is going to be doing from now on, THIS (show them) is what you are going to be doing, and THIS is what THEY are going to be doing. Let them know they are to stick to the schedule and NOT deviate, NOT do anyone else's chores. At the end of each week, you will have a family meeting and discuss what got done and what didn't, and see if people want to switch around chores (it's only fair to let them gravitate to what they like to do best). 

And, here's the kicker:

YOU HAVE TO KEEP DOING IT.

This way, she has very specific responsibilities, and the kids all KNOW what her responsibilities are, so it will be super hard for her to NOT do them, and then face the kids on Sunday evening when you all sit down and discuss how the week went.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Cross:
I know it sucks, but there are some people who will take advantage of another's good nature. Everyone is right; you HAVE to be willing to let her go if she doesn't agree to a work schedule, and she HAS to know this! 

As long as she knows that you will tolerate this situation, nothing will change. I know you were hoping for another answer, some technique to change her mind, but ask yourself: what is her motivation to change? Only the threat (do not make it lightly) of divorce will cause her to change.

She is a bratty, entitled teenager, and you have no boundaries with her.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cross said:


> She says she loves me and we have long discussions where she tells me she'll try harder...but really it seems to be smoke and mirrors.


Yep, she's blowing smoke up your wazoo. So the ball is in your court.



Cross said:


> I know she'd fight me tooth and nail about the kids if I went nuclear. I'm really stuck here...


Actually, you aren't stuck unless you choose to be. The court would probably grant you joint custody. It's not perfect, but it's workable and many people live with it. You would get the children two weekends a month and so many nights per week. I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic. He works a serious program. Even with his prior history, he gets his children every other weekend, two nights per week (he and ex live near the school their children attend), and he gets them for major holidays and birthdays.

Yes, there is compromise in a custody situation, but it's not a total wash. Maybe you should try looking at it from this perspective: Right now your kids see you and your wife as role models. What sort of model do they see in your wife? Do you want them to be exposed to that 24/7? Do you think they would benefit from the two of you going your separate ways and sharing custody?


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Your wife needs to have a check up with her doctor, she could have depression or adult ADD. Both of those conditions are treatable. If she gets a clean bill of health then you have to assume she doesn't want to do things any different, and as has been stated the ball is in your court.


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## Invictus-Soul (Feb 12, 2011)

The tragic irony for men in our culture is that if you decided to leave, she could probably sue your butt off. Society and our tort system view her quiting her job to stay home and raise the kids as a sacrifice (which it is up until the children reach school age). 

But the truth is that you working long hours to supporting her for years while she sits on her duff, does nothing and gets fat, is an enormous gift from you. However, society or our legal system will not view it this way and you'll end up paying alimony and child support for many years to come. No good deed goes unpunished for men in our society. Since, out of the kindness of your heart, she is now used to living a life of luxury and sitting on her butt, you are now legally responsible to maintain that for her.

Men in our society need to stand up and set boundaries when it comes to this. Tell her to get off her a$$ and get a job or else you're leaving and pulling the plug. She won't believe you until you go ballistic. Maybe leave for a week or two and tell her your not coming back, just as a threat. Make her believe it. This problem is because of her behavior, and she needs to fix it. No more Mr Nice guy.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> Your wife needs to have a check up with her doctor, she could have depression or adult ADD. Both of those conditions are treatable. If she gets a clean bill of health then you have to assume she doesn't want to do things any different, and as has been stated the ball is in your court.


She's had a check up, but I think there are some depression issues. Both her parents died right before we were married and she never really got over that.

Again my problem is our two little kids. I'm not ready to throw her out over her essentially being another child because of the little guys.

The idea of them not living with me kills me.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

You say she's had a check up but you also say she's often sick. Maybe she has a medical problem that is causing apathy or low energy. If she's telling you she's sick, she should be getting medical care. 

If she's not sick it might work too - take her to the doctor every single time she says she's sick. She'll either get treated or she'll stop getting sick


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

She actually does go to the Doctor quite frequently when she's not feeling well. Probably at least half of the time.

Unfortunately there is no treatment for housewifehateitis.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

heh. worth a try, anyway.  good luck!


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

omega said:


> heh. worth a try, anyway.  good luck!


Thanks Omega. 

I'm not in a terrible situation. Essentially, I'm just in a relationship where my spouse is another dependent. I'm blessed to have a great career and great kids.

I'm just going to keep taking the high ground until my kids are older and both in school, and I have to make the tough decisions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why can't you do what I suggested?


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

turnera said:


> Set down VERY SPECIFIC CHORES she has to do. Sit down the entire family and tell them that you and mom have made an agreement and THIS (show them on a chart) is what mom is going to be doing from now on, THIS (show them) is what you are going to be doing, and THIS is what THEY are going to be doing. Let them know they are to stick to the schedule and NOT deviate, NOT do anyone else's chores. At the end of each week, you will have a family meeting and discuss what got done and what didn't, and see if people want to switch around chores (it's only fair to let them gravitate to what they like to do best).


Hi Tunera, thanks for the advice.

I do print out a chores list monthly and I've done this for two years. She follows it one week, then does not the next two. The week she does follow it is half baked, and again she gets sick and ignores the entire weeks list which is justified in her mind.

We end up getting into knockdown fights over it <she's Irish with the temper> and it ends up getting us nowhere.

I've done a calendar, printed out schedule with initialing, and even put it on my google calendar to email her...

This hasn't worked and I can't babysit her and her housecleaning while I'm at work.

I think the only thing that might make a difference is me threatening to leave and having some teeth behind the claim. Unfortunately she knows it's not happening now, so I just need to bide my time and maybe pay for a cleaning service...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Which is why I suggested involving the kids. She doesn't care what YOU think - unless it involves taking her money away. But she may care if the kids start thinking poorly of her for her not pulling her weight. Make it a family issue. (but not in a 'shame mom' kind of way)


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## Sicktomystomach (Aug 5, 2011)

Do you go to counseling? I went through a brief period like this only I was like your wife. I kind of shut down because of a bad childhood,our child getting so sick fom a brain tumor (He's fine so far) and my husband lost his job. I became very depressed and cared about nothing but did take the intiative of seeking counsel. We were making slow progress until my husband started going with me. It was then I became very ashamed of myself. My husband is not a man who opens up but he is very comfortable with this male counselor. All the pent up emotions and frustrations came spilling out. The look of comtempt he would give me was very hurtful but deserved. He said,"I now have a new job and work full time. But she does nothing. She won't go back to work,she won't clean the house,do the wash,nothing. She puts a load of wash in the washer and leaves it there til it stinks then I have to wash it again AND dry it AND fold it. I cook,I clean,I do the yard.....while she sits on her butt and feels sorry for herself and I've had it". The counselor just kind of sat there for a bit letting me absorb it all. Having it said in front of another person made a big difference to me. I was SO ashamed of myself yet at the same time,so depressed,I felt so torn. It was really hard for me to care about anything.
The dr. explained we both needed to understand two seperate things about each other. I was extremely depressed and my husband neeed to know that. I was put on meds that helped a bit but most of it had to come from me. And wow,was it ever hard. But I forced myself to be a better wife. I did the things expected of me and I saw a happier husband when I did. Still,every day is a struggle for me. I recently became very ill and he again had to do it all but I am doing better and trying to do my part. I clean,do the laundry,vacuum,clean the rugs,make the beds,take care of the animals,etc. He still helps me but I make sure he doesn't do it all.
The dr. explained that I neeed to look at my husband. He said,"What do you see"? I told him I saw an exhausted angry man. I was so ashamed I just kept my head down. My husband softened. He asked my husband,"Look at me and tell me what you see". He said,"I see a very depressed woman. I know she became this way when our child became so ill and she has never gotten over it. I know her background of child abuse and my former emotional abuse. People pick on her and she has been treated badly because she doesn't have the strength or the know how on how to back them down so she just stays in the house. I see someone giving up". The dr asked me why I thought we had been together over 40 years. I told told him I thought my husband stayed because of his Italian heritage and work ethic and our children. He asked my husband the same thing. He said,"Well,she's right about my heritage. There has never been a divorce in my family. But I also stay because I love her". That made me cry. I told him I stayed because I felt so helpless to help myself but not one time did I mention my love for him. 
The dr. said one problem WAS depression and the meds would help. But he told me I was also acting like a child. He told me to pick myself up,dust myself off and try to live life.
It's a daily struggle for me. Sometimes I have to put a big front on. But my husband seems happier. I try to be more positive and make sure I do all I can for his happiness. He told our counselor I was trying very hard and he was proud of me. He also added,"It's nice to come home and be able to rest". Things aren't perfect but they are better.
My husband was enabling me. He complained but he also did all the work so I didn't have to. 
Printing out weekly chores for her,etc,is treating her like the child she is. An adult KNOWS what has to be done. You shouldn't have to lead her around by the hand,make rules,etc. That's what you do for a child.
If you aren't in counseling,I'd get a GOOD counselor and try to get her to go with you. You are definitely in need of some sort of intervention. I saw my husband was ready to walk and that really scared me. I was scared of my own shadow and the thought of having to support myself seemed impossible. And thought of how empty the house would be without him. I love him very much.
I suggest a good counselor. As long as you continue to do it all,she will allow it. She sounds very depressed but she's also acting like a child. Maybe her parents enabled her and ttreated her like a child. I don't know. But their loss must play a big part in this. But she has to work on herself for the marriage to survive. And she needs to know you mean business. That you WILL walk if she doesn't try harder. Things may never be perfect but if she cares and loves you,she would try harder.


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