# Left...Emotional Roller Coaster



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I have been in my new location for nearly 4 weeks now. The divorce is not final yet. I have truly had a mix of emotions that I was not expecting. I did the whole move on my own with the help of my teen daughter. I rented a 15' truck and crammed as much of our stuff into it and left. Getting on the road I felt such freedom. I felt free at last, wondering how and why I had stayed so long.

The house I bought had been neglected and bad need of cleaning and painting. I ended up replacing the hot water heater after 10 days of messed up water issues. I came here with no job so now I am trying to build up my business and been working day and night trying to get the house put together. I had no living room furniture or office furniture....so much has had to be bought. The accounts have not been split yet. STBX did offer $1100 to help with expenses which I am grateful for, I have pretty much been living off credit cards since I have been here which makes me nervous. I have been debt-free for years so this is not comfortable.

I have had a full range of emotions....angered that my husband chased after other women and could not give me the time of day, angry that my family is being split because of the hardships in our marriage which husband wanted me to accept instead of seeking real help for. I have had times that I have been so thankful to be gone and not dealing with his quirks and passive-aggressive behavior. When I think of STBX now I think of how he would just sit on the computer or would be on his phone playing games for hours. He would spend the whole evening and weekends avoiding me and plugged into his devises like I didn't even exist. You would think that all that would be enough to make a person never look back with good thoughts but oddly I have had good thoughts. Fond memories of my life that I had created for myself, mostly. I have even had a flash of thinking maybe I should ask him if we could work things out but then I think "why?" The first time we'd go out to dinner together he'd be eye-balling the waitress and flirting with her like I wasn't there and rather than talking to me he would spend the entire meal looking at his cell phone.

I didn't expect to feel these feelings. I am hoping with time as life settles and I feel more certain about my new life here that some of the roller coaster of my emotions will fade into the past.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It takes time for a less emotional response. There are still some good memories and that may motivate you to keep from moving on and it is simply the last dredge of an emotional bond that is left.

Although, it sounds like you were more bonded to the home, security, and the memories of your life without him while still being married to him. Little if anything is triggered by him in positive emotions.

People grow and adapt to their current situation and for the most part, you lived with a passive-aggressive person for decades and that took a long time for you to remove yourself from that situation. Even with the bad marriage, there is some parts of you that was use and found security from your old life. You knew him and expected his behavior and for the most part just lived with it in the background of your life.

As you were detaching, it made it easier to leave him. In order to protect your mental and emotional health, you had to detach. Still, it is a process that gets easier with time. Just do not forget to take care of yourself and make yourself happy.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Mr.Fisty said:


> It takes time for a less emotional response. There are still some good memories and that may motivate you to keep from moving on and it is simply the last dredge of an emotional bond that is left.
> 
> Although, it sounds like you were more bonded to the home, security, and the memories of your life without him while still being married to him. Little if anything is triggered by him in positive emotions.
> 
> ...


Yes, perfectly put. As crazy as it may be, I did learn what I could and could not do or say. I learned to enjoy life with what I had, even though it wasn't what I wanted. I dealt with all situations with communication while it was not returned. I lived a lie in many ways, perhaps part of my denial that kept me trapped in a very dysfunctional marriage. There was security in having a roof over my head without the struggle of making ends meet. We ended up as roommates because I disconnected emotionally eventually. Neither of us was happy but I think husband was more willing than I to live as we were and just keep his desires for other women hidden. Once I uncovered yet another hidden secret and the reason his nose was always in the computer, this time it brought it all to an end. 27 years of dealing with this, numerous counseling sessions where counselors could not make any sense with my husband as to what was going wrong....just to hear him tell me that he disagreed with the counselor, that all men were like this and I just needed to accept him the way he was. WOW! And this was the man that divorced his first wife because he suspected she might be interested in another man.....didn't ask her, just divorced her instead. The man that walked out of the building when I was asked to dance by one of his fellow coworkers. So it was okay for him to do whatever but his expectation of his wife is to never look, speak or interact with another man. YIKES!!!!


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## texasmom13 (Feb 18, 2016)

It is so disrespectful for a husband to flirt with other woman right in front of his wife. A person like this doesn't think much of you. He doesn't respect you nor your marriage. Without respect there cannot be love, they are intertwined. One cannot survive without the other. 

Was he always like this, or was he going through a midlife crisis and turning back into a teenage boy with raging hormones?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

texasmom13 said:


> It is so disrespectful for a husband to flirt with other woman right in front of his wife. A person like this doesn't think much of you. He doesn't respect you nor your marriage. Without respect there cannot be love, they are intertwined. One cannot survive without the other.
> 
> Was he always like this, or was he going through a midlife crisis and turning back into a teenage boy with raging hormones?


He was always like this. The first date we went on we went to dinner and then to a movie. We went into this restaurant and husband was so flirty with the waitress I told him that he might as well have asked her for her number. His response was that it was nothing which would be his response for everything.

What got me the most is that he acted like I was nobody, nothing....like I was a his little servant, and he did whatever he wanted and just covered up what he knew I would not approve of. He was retired military, with him while he was still active duty and somewhere in the process while we were overseas he and his buddies went to a brothel. They decided not to go in once they got there because beers were too expensive, at least that was what I was told way after-the-fact. When husband would go out of town (TDY) I would ask him what he did, was there anything I needed to know and he would always so "no." He never told me about this brothel incident. Like many other incidents I heard thru other people. One night at a BBQ the guys were all laughing about husband and his buddies going to this brothel and then realized I was there to hear this story. Did they get in or did they really pass because the beer cost too much? I will never know and this has been my life with him right from the start.

He did seem more willing to work with me on differences and issues (we were a step family combining two families and we each had full custody of our children) in the beginning or I would not have stayed. Once we married it was like a switch was flipped and he was then saying that I just needed to accept him and he seemed angry at me trying to make things different than they were. He seemed especially angry that I did not like his drinking....the man was /is a drunk.....the second Thanksgiving we were together, married 1 1/2 years, we had the guys from his shop that he supervised over, dinner was to be served at 1:00. Husband had been drinking already. After dinner the coworkers and myself with the 4 kids started playing game boards. husband passed out in the bedroom which I did not realize until I heard him snoring. I was so embarrassed. Husband was these guys' supervisor and he is passed out and I am entertaining them. Husband's dad called later, husband obviously drunk. His dad called me the next day asking if husband was drunk on Thanksgiving day.

His first emotional affair was within our first year of marriage. I knew by our first anniversary that I had made a mistake There would be 2 more emotional affairs and when I say emotional, that is all he admitted to. There was one affair that very easily could have been physical but he never admitted. That all took place while I was pg with our only child together. Our child was just weeks old when I decided to pay husband and his coworkers a surprise visit only to walk in to see this girl sitting on husband's desk, answering his phone....it was quite uncomfortable. Here I was with a newborn baby and I was later in tears from what I saw.

The man never cared. I merely a convenience for him. I was someone to cook and clean and care for him and his sons.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You ARE free now.

Put the past and bad thoughts away. Concentrate on your new future.

Keeping busy [as you ARE doing] will make the time move quickly. Old painful memories will [must] be pushed aside.

Keep in contact with good friends and sympathetic family. 

In your spare time read comforting books that take you to a different time and place. Let your mind soar. Dream of better times to come.

Good Luck, Dear.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> You ARE free now.
> 
> Put the past and bad thoughts away. Concentrate on your new future.
> 
> ...


Good advise, thank you! There are going to many things I will not have answers for and I do need to just move on and be thankful I am no longer living the life I did married to this man.

It is time for me and what I want for my life now.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> Yes, perfectly put. As crazy as it may be, I did learn what I could and could not do or say. I learned to enjoy life with what I had, even though it wasn't what I wanted. I dealt with all situations with communication while it was not returned. I lived a lie in many ways, perhaps part of my denial that kept me trapped in a very dysfunctional marriage. There was security in having a roof over my head without the struggle of making ends meet. We ended up as roommates because I disconnected emotionally eventually. Neither of us was happy but I think husband was more willing than I to live as we were and just keep his desires for other women hidden. Once I uncovered yet another hidden secret and the reason his nose was always in the computer, this time it brought it all to an end. 27 years of dealing with this, numerous counseling sessions where counselors could not make any sense with my husband as to what was going wrong....just to hear him tell me that he disagreed with the counselor, that all men were like this and I just needed to accept him the way he was. WOW! And this was the man that divorced his first wife because he suspected she might be interested in another man.....didn't ask her, just divorced her instead. The man that walked out of the building when I was asked to dance by one of his fellow coworkers. So it was okay for him to do whatever but his expectation of his wife is to never look, speak or interact with another man. YIKES!!!!


 The more we educate ourselves, become more self-aware, the better we are able to make better choices given the knowledge.

Sometimes people imagine their partner as the old them or a version of them that never existed, making that their goal in changing the other so they, themselves can get what they want or need. They often beleive that the time already invested can somehow make their decision to persevere more bearable.

With this false construct of what they see this person potentially as, they work harder, putting up with a lot of crap in hoping that their investment will pan out.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry to read that you are having a tough time with all the emotions. Its perfectly normal. No matter how sh!tty he treated you, this is not where you expected your life to end up, so its normal to grieve for what was supposed to be. And for the time that you did feel love for him. I went through the same thing with my second divorce. There was so much relief to have gotten away from him, but I was also so sad because at one point I really did love him a lot. I can remember crying the day I moved out when I saw the moving truck with my stuff pull out of the gas station. Then every night for a month after that. Just allow it, recognize that its normal, and eventually you will move past it. 

I am so, so happy for you that you got out!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Mr.Fisty said:


> The more we educate ourselves, become more self-aware, the better we are able to make better choices given the knowledge.
> 
> Sometimes people imagine their partner as the old them or a version of them that never existed, making that their goal in changing the other so they, themselves can get what they want or need. They often beleive that the time already invested can somehow make their decision to persevere more bearable.
> 
> With this false construct of what they see this person potentially as, they work harder, putting up with a lot of crap in hoping that their investment will pan out.


I sure do understand that and I think that is how I was able to stay as long as I did. I don't think I wanted to deal with the pain of the reality I was actually living.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Sorry to read that you are having a tough time with all the emotions. Its perfectly normal. No matter how sh!tty he treated you, this is not where you expected your life to end up, so its normal to grieve for what was supposed to be. And for the time that you did feel love for him. I went through the same thing with my second divorce. There was so much relief to have gotten away from him, but I was also so sad because at one point I really did love him a lot. I can remember crying the day I moved out when I saw the moving truck with my stuff pull out of the gas station. Then every night for a month after that. Just allow it, recognize that its normal, and eventually you will move past it.
> 
> I am so, so happy for you that you got out!


It has been a couple hard weeks emotionally, times I want to cry for what I hoped my life to be like. I invested in my family and worked hard despite the struggles. I had faith that as long as I could be strong enough to work thru the hardships the marriage and the family would survive but I realize now it takes two. One person cannot make a relationship work. I also realize husband was unable to take responsibility of any of his wrong doing and as long as he felt what he was doing was right, or what "men do and I just needed to accept it," life with him was never going to be different. 

I kept my focus on my home, my obligations, my children, my part-time career, the pets, friendship....all to avoid the hurt the marriage was dealing me. I felt obligated to stay for the families and my belief that walking out on a marriage was wrong. Now looking back I can see I stayed far too long, endured way too much.

I wish there was a way someone could have reached me when I thought I was in love with this man. The warning signs were already there but I made excuses for him and I blindly walked into a situation where I would never be shown love. The man was incredibly selfish and self-centered. he put on quite a show of what a wonderful man he was when we were around family and friends but when it was just us I was ignored and blamed for him ignoring me when I asked. A man that was so caught up in his addictions with porn and seeking other women because his self-esteem was so low he had to seek attention to make himself feel better. After time watching his acts play out I could not laugh at his jokes and eventually I could not forgive and continue to move forward with him. He did not know how to make a relationship with me, nor did he try.

I can only hope that my lessons have been learned and that one day when I feel healed and ready true love will come knocking and I will be treated well. I have spent a very lonely life married to this man and want to put all of it behind me.

He is still being a butt.....divorce is being held up because he wants all these changes to the documents, accounts have not yet been split out which has been frustrating. I started at ground zero in a new place and that takes alot of hard work and is taxing financially and here he is still sitting on a pile of money. I asked him 3 times to start sending my half, texts and emails ignored. I knew taking the money out of the accounts myself would tick him off as he is all about control. I told him I was going to, went to the bank and found out the account he has my money in is ONLY in HIS name and I cannot withdraw the funds. I was so livid!!!!! He told me my name was on the account. So I contacted him about and I have no doubt he will drag his feet on this....he has to make me pay, that has been our life together.....his control and making me pay. Ugh, ugh, ugh!!!


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