# I need help bad....



## hurtrealbad (Dec 18, 2009)

I need some advice, I can not sleep, eat or function at work. My wife of 14 years just told me she feels as if she was forced to marry me, by "people at chuch" that we are not soulmates, and the her true love is a friend and an ex that came back into her life recenlty. She has mentioned a lot of hurtful things to me, I love you but I am not in love with you, and various others that have broken my heart. She also mentioned that I have hurt her bad, by not being there while I was at work and other things like not always listening, not going to the same church, etc It gets worst becuase she says she really loves me and want to make things work they will just take time, my thinking is that ok well get rid of the "friend" who is your true love, and your ex and lets make this work. I love her very very much and we have three children togehter. However she is not willing to get rid of the friend and I am in a way I am understanding why she would not. When ever we talk or I question how she feels about me she gets a little upset and says that when I do it it pushes her to the other man.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I honestly don't understand why she won't get rid of her "friend" if she wants this to work. She has to. She can't keep you hanging on while she is sharing or thinking about him. The focus needs to be on the two of you.
This is not going to be easy to hear, but you have to eat and take care of yourself. If not for you, then for your children. You have to be able to think clearly and you won't be able to do much if you aren't taking care of yourself. Everything will just drown into emotion. Sit down. Figure out what you both want out of this marriage. Find out what she thinks is missing in your relationship and while you are doing that, see if there is anything YOU are missing in the marriage. Figure out what you need for her to do to show you she does want to work this out. Then find some guidance with a counselor either at one of your churches or at a MC. 
Asking her how she feels about you should not push her to the other man. If she can't TALK to you about it, tell her to write it down. Email it, whatever, but she has to tell you.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

hurtrealbad said:


> I need some advice, I can not sleep, eat or function at work. My wife of 14 years just told me she feels as if she was forced to marry me, by "people at chuch" that we are not soulmates, and the her true love is a friend and an ex that came back into her life recenlty. She has mentioned a lot of hurtful things to me, I love you but I am not in love with you, and various others that have broken my heart. She also mentioned that I have hurt her bad, by not being there while I was at work and other things like not always listening, not going to the same church, etc It gets worst becuase she says she really loves me and want to make things work they will just take time, my thinking is that ok well get rid of the "friend" who is your true love, and your ex and lets make this work. I love her very very much and we have three children togehter. However she is not willing to get rid of the friend and I am in a way I am understanding why she would not. When ever we talk or I question how she feels about me she gets a little upset and says that when I do it it pushes her to the other man.


I am sorry to hear how your woman is hurting you, hopefully there is help but it is with much anguish and courage from you to do so.

Now you are feeling much confusion and sadness, this is perfectly understanding, but it is important for you to behave in such a way as to do two things: stop your wife's affair in it's tracks, and light a fire in her for you, her man, which will give you the ball in your court for the time later to decide if you are willing to forgive and move on, or to cut her loose and move on.

Here are the facts:

Your wife is controlling you, and as long as YOU are ALLOWING this to continue this situation will not end up making you happy.

According what you have said primarily by using the threats of "pushing her" into the arms of this other man. Let me tell you this is farthest from the truth. She is in his arms from her own choosing, and for reasons already in the relationship with you leading to her feeling resentment and unsatisfaction. 

You need to take away this control of you from her! This is going to take courage. 

For the sake of any children and your own emotional health it is important for you to decide, honestly, what it is you want and willing to do to get what you want, and take steps calmly and deliberately acting to make this happen. 

If what you want is your wife back, this is what will not work: Begging, pleading, crying, and such talk as making you look weak or defeated or needy in her eyes. Please read and read again this as many times as it takes for you to understand this important truth.

If what you want is your wife back, this is what will work: Taking control of yourself and your relationship, acting always in the best interest of the children and yourself, with your wife's interest not even on the radar, at least as far as she is perceiving your actions. 

If you want her to drop this other man like as they say, like dropping a "bad habit", then you must be a man and even twice or three times the man he is!

Again I say this is taking courage, and is to be done only after it is you have resolved to see this through.

Circle the apartment rental ads, and have her bags ready for her to move out immediately if she is even thinking of still talking to or seeing this other man. Period. And this is the truth, be ready to act on it!

And if she is to even remotely think of winning you back, it is to be only on your terms. That should, in most situations, involve only after she has redeemed herself and her betrayal to you by seeking communication (and even marriage counselling, etc) with you to address the issues in your marriage that has lead her to her betrayal.

And again for yourself, take control of yourself and keep control. Make sure your happiness flows from the good man that you are, and not from seeking the approval of your woman or whether you are to reconcile or cut her loose. Find time for things that make you happy, such as your children, the gym, recreation, anything to keep you emotionally healthy and focused on what matters. 

This is not only for your benefit, but will in the eyes of your wife, make you very irrestible and questioning her decision to betray you for this other man.

I wish you well.


----------

