# How can I forgive him and how can we move on



## fml

I love my husband with all my heart! we are seperated going on 6 months. We now talk daily and see eachother for a date weekly but there are places that I just wont go with him. 

Before me he had a problem with drugs, he got sobber and we meet back up 9 months after he had gotten back from rehab (we have know eachother since we were 11) while we were dating he had some issues with drinking but only socially after we got married it started to get bad. I didnt want to take him to anything because of how he would get smashed and embarrase me, he was a loose cannon. 

Thank God he has made a BIG change! the man that would not know when to stop over time found self control. He really has made allot of changes and I am so proud of him. 

The problem is I cant let go of the past. I am on pins and needles any time there is liquor involved. He has not been over drinking at all in the last year but i cant get past ....the past! the worse part about it is that some of the really bad memories that i have he doesnt rember because he was so hammered. 

we want to, in the next few months move back in together and start again. how can i let go of the resentment that I feel for him. I want my marrige to work so bad.


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## Married&Confused

it sounds like he stopped in order to win you and is now on good behavior to get back with you.

i think you need to set the boundaries as to what is acceptable in terms of his drinking. for me it was NO drinking, period. if you are uncomfortable going someplace where alcohol is served, that may have to be your boundary, too.


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## Riven

Set boundaries and ask yourself the questions, how is this helping? Is this something I can change? My husband denied he even had a problem until he woke up with another woman in his hotel room bed while at work. He doesn't remember much of it, I even talked to him while she was there, I knew something was up when he called me from my pocket while at the bar across the street and all I could really make out of 8 minutes of listening was a woman say, " Oh, well why are you leaving so early" and him replying " I have to get up early for work". Worst night of my life, I called and called, finally he answered, lied said he was sleeping, said he was going to sleep, he doesn't remember the call, other than it happened, He doesn't remember what was said, in fact his version of what was said is nothing like what really happened. He isn't sure if he had sex with her or not, he said he remembers he couldn't get an erection, he remembers trying to go to sleep but she was there, he remembers waking up and her snoring and he thought my wife doesn't snore... and reached over and felt her there... and when he woke up and he tried to put it all together, he was mortified, he was sure our marriage was over, he didn't know how he could do this to me, he thought I said it was over on the phone because he obviously had enough guilt at that time even. When I talked to him I assumed he was in the room alone, but it didn't keep from from being up all night thinking the worst. What I'm trying to say is... he's trying. My husband had to have this happen to realize it. It's not easy, and if you haven't go to Al Anon... it's so helpful. Some wounds leave big scars... alcohol is terrible, everyone thinks it's okay to drink, you can buy it right by the milk, there are bars everywhere, everyone does it. But it ruins lives, it ruins families... 

He's trying... set boundaries, and stick to them. Make sure he reassures you, ask him to. Good luck, it's a long road, you're trying to make the journey or you wouldn't have asked...


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## lamaga

Have you considered going to an Al-Anon meeting? You are not the first person whose had to deal with these very difficult issues -- might be good to get some help and understanding from others in the same boat.


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## TBT

lamaga said:


> Have you considered going to an Al-Anon meeting? You are not the first person whose had to deal with these very difficult issues -- might be good to get some help and understanding from others in the same boat.


:iagree:

You say he was in rehab dealing with a drug problem,but still drinks when you're out.Not very good from my perspective because alcohol can lower your inhibitions enough to allow you to pick up you drug of choice again.


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## fml

Thank you all for your taking the time to reply! Al-anon meetings I have never hurd of them until you guys mentioned them, i think that might be a good idea.  

Riven your story sent chills down my spine! I am sorry that you had to go through that. 

i know that i cant rush things but at the same time i feel so lonley. 
I feel pissed like this is not what i signed up for!


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## Manas

If you are really much in love with him pls try to make it work no matter what other people say .... people will often (am not saying on this forum) tell you to play really hardball with your relationship but will not do it with their own ... the balls in your court now ... you have to let the past remain in the past, I think quite a lot of relationships have skeletons (big or small) in the closet ... btw you also have to make it clear to him that he is not allowed to screw up bad again .... and let it go after that, its your head, he cant go inside and mop up stuff ... if everything goes well maybe in a few years time you guys can look back at this and laugh


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