# Suspected one night stand



## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

Not sure where to begin. My wife and I have been together for about 20 years. We've been pretty solid despite living through a wide variety of things that would test even the strongest marriage. Our sex life was good, the normal vanilla stuff which she really preferred and I was content with it. As is normal with aging and with kids, our sex had become pretty intermittent; about biweekly to maybe once a week. I would have liked more but she was often not interested and with my advances being often shot down, I then slowed down. 

Then we went on a vacation just the two of us. While on vacation we had a big fight and that night we each went out by ourselves. I ended up getting drunk and I never really found out what she did. We made up the next day and ended the trip on a somewhar positive note but things definitely felt off.

After about a month of basically no physical contact she totally flipped a switch. She became pretty much hypersexual. Initially, I was really happy but I quickly became skeptical when she started doing things she never did before. Like in the 20 plus years we were together she never gave oral. All of sudden, it was the way she started every session. I asked her what changed and she said she didn't know. Then she bought a short black dress, something she would have never typically worn. It was strange, like all of a sudden she was this super sensual woman. 

This lasted about a month and a half, maybe two months. Then it slowed back down. By 4 months out it was back to the way it was. When I said "I guess that phase is over", she said "don't say that, I feel like I'll just overcompensate".

Now I'm wondering what "overcompensate" means and I'm really wondering if something happened that night, or maybe even another time and she's just not telling me. I really don't even know how to start a conversation about it. We really live each other and I'd like to see things work whatever the case but, am I overthinking this? Or is there something to this? Objective, nonbiased insight is appreciated. Thanks.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> Not sure where to begin. My wife and I have been together for about 20 years. We've been pretty solid despite living through a wide variety of things that would test even the strongest marriage. Our sex life was good, the normal vanilla stuff which she really preferred and I was content with it. As is normal with aging and with kids, our sex had become pretty intermittent; about biweekly to maybe once a week. I would have liked more but she was often not interested and with my advances being often shot down, I then slowed down.
> 
> Then we went on a vacation just the two of us. While on vacation we had a big fight and that night we each went out by ourselves. I ended up getting drunk and I never really found out what she did. We made up the next day and ended the trip on a somewhar positive note but things definitely felt off.
> 
> ...


Welcome to TAM.
I think some more details are needed before one could speculate too much. A change like you describe is a red flag but by itself could be innocent.

What does this mean? How was it ‘off’ ?
“but things definitely felt off.”

What happened during this month? Where you traveling for work or something? Why no contact?
“After about a month of basically no physical contact”


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> she said "don't say that, I feel like I'll just overcompensate".
> 
> Now I'm wondering what "overcompensate" means


When I read this I could substitute the words “be self-conscious about it and overreact”. 🤷‍♂️


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It enough info. If she wore the black dress for YOU, it’s a good thing. If she bought it and you never saw her on it, a bad one.
I’ve never heard of two people having a fight on vacation and “going out” by themselves. That is super ultra hurtful to do to one another abd out of bounds behavior to me.
Regardless, if all that sexual energy was directed at you alone, and you’re sure of that— not a bad thing. I honestly think I’d she was cheating on you she wouldn’t want to go down on you. Then again, if out of guilt, yeah.

what exactly was “off”????? More details needed.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I would also say that the change in behavior does not look like a ONS-type of change to me. Unless there were lots of them. 2 months worth.

A longer EA or PA, maybe.

Maybe an innocent change? So far. Maybe the argument and no physical contact scared her and she didn't want the marriage to fall apart?


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

To answer you questions and provide better context, by "off" I mean she was colder than usual. I don't know if distant is the word I'd use, but we were not the same as before the fight. I guess distant is the closest word I can use to describe it. As far as my schedule, zero change. I was never away from home before or after or since the vacation. There was no change in our home environment. I almost got the feeling she was waiting on her period and then when it came, that's when she flipped. Like a total switch, doing things we didn't even do when we dated.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> To answer you questions and provide better context, by "off" I mean she was colder than usual. I don't know if distant is the word I'd use, but we were not the same as before the fight. I guess distant is the closest word I can use to describe it. As far as my schedule, zero change. I was never away from home before or after or since the vacation. There was no change in our home environment. I almost got the feeling she was waiting on her period and then when it came, that's when she flipped. Like a total switch, doing things we didn't even do when we dated.


Ok, now the pendulum is starting to swing in the direction of ONS.
So the 2 months of rowdy sex started after her period? So you wonder if she was relieved after a ONS of unprotected sex?

Did she go to the doc any for that month? (STD checks)


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

well said:

_"I’ve never heard of two people having a fight on vacation and “going out” by themselves. That is super ultra hurtful to do to one another abd out of bounds behavior to me."_

Did she get physical with someone else (male or female) - I think that is what is bothering you. 
Why the sudden change in sex with you - Ya, that bothers me to but - always a but isn't there? - what evidence do you have or info on where she went? Did she carry a phone - if so, see if you can find location history. Android not to hard - Google it - Apple - don't know but I read that there is a trail to be found.

How did she travel? receipts? credit card charges? cell phone texts or ??? 
By any chance did you think to check her underwear? 

- just thoughts in trying to help you get answers to your query


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I would also say that the change in behavior does not look like a ONS-type of change to me. Unless there were lots of them. 2 months worth.
> 
> A longer EA or PA, maybe.
> 
> Maybe an innocent change? So far. Maybe the argument and no physical contact scared her and she didn't want the marriage to fall apart?


I like the idea of that better than thinking the worst but her recent comment of overcompensate felt a lot like she was trying to compensate me during that month for what may (or may not) have happened. It was like every opportunity she had she would initiate sex. Now she doesn't want to go back to that wild sexy side and I'm back to getting my advances shot down. Hence the reason I said "I guess that phase is over". My instincts just seem to be screaming something is wrong.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

If your wife is super-close with any friends, you might be able to check her text messages. Maybe she told someone.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> My instincts just seem to be screaming something is wrong.


The golden rule... Trust your gut.


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

Thanks for the perspective. I guess the real question now is: how do I have this conversation. I don't want to falsely accuse her, especially with no real proof. I mean, even if she did, she'd have no reason to admit it. I have never felt any need to ask her if she had cheated on me up until now. Even many years ago when I did travel a lot. But this has me really stressed out.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

had a thought:

*"After about a month of basically no physical contact she totally flipped a switch. She became pretty much hypersexual. Initially,"*

a month -

Note another posters question regarding STD test? Can you find out if that happened? Or verify it did not?

Is she using birth control? What kind? Note that NO birth control is 100% except total Abstinence!

my thought was - ONS and she was waiting on her cycle to start to be sure she wasn't impregnated.

Apologies but something smells about your story


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

ShatteredKat said:


> had a thought:
> 
> *"After about a month of basically no physical contact she totally flipped a switch. She became pretty much hypersexual. Initially,"*
> 
> ...


No apologies needed. I wouldn't be posting here if something didn't smell right to me as well. So this is basically what I felt was going on too. No that we're back to the same ol same ol, has she put it behind her... for the most part?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When coroners do brain autopsies on women they find strange things in there:

Nerves that are twisted and go on forever.
Deep pools of perfumed water.
Steam rising, even after death.

The eye ducts that feed water to the corneas go all the way down to the kidneys.
Multiple black books with names and offenses committed.
Love poems scattered everywhere.

At the center of the brain is a hardened area.
Harder than stone.
Medicos have yet to crack that open.


Yes.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> Thanks for the perspective. I guess the real question now is: how do I have this conversation. I don't want to falsely accuse her, especially with no real proof. I mean, even if she did, she'd have no reason to admit it. I have never felt any need to ask her if she had cheated on me up until now. Even many years ago when I did travel a lot. But this has me really stressed out.


As for the conversation, don't do that yet. Give it a day and let the collective wisdom of TAM chime in. Nearly everyone here has been in a similar place as you, and will have some great (and some not so great) thoughts. Pick out what is useful to you.

After that, when you do decide to confront, speak with conviction about what you believe. You only need enough proof to convince yourself, not a court of law. If you’re there, then you need nothing else. But consider the next question before confronting: what happens if she confesses? what happens if she doesn't?


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Sometime in my early life - joined the USN (war in progress - didn't want to get drafted) and observed a LOT of sailors, be they enlisted or officers - when hitting a foreign port first thing is hit a bar and then find a prostitute. A lot of them subsequently made a visit to sick bay. To me that behavior was as smart as swimming in alligator infested waters.

What about women? How many of them have the same cavalier attitude about using their vagina? I have met a few
and wouldn't touch them with a barge pole!

Have you taken to your physician and requested getting tested for anything possible to get via exchange of body fluids with someone? You should as it is just being cautious and proactive in all the things "we" end up having to deal with when partner in life strays (or possibly strays) -

I forgot to mention - see if you can find any receipts or tickets or ?? in her purse, clothes pockets, or luggage while looking about. 

where you were staying on vacation - possible to check with security folks and, for the day in question, check to see how long she was away?


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

Thank you for the wise words. She is a wonderful woman and wife. I couldn't ask for more. I have been mentally walking out both scenarios. Honestly, I'm more afraid of her getting mad for even asking and the damage that can cause than I am of her confessing.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> I like the idea of that better than thinking the worst but her recent comment of overcompensate felt a lot like she was trying to compensate me during that month for what may (or may not) have happened. It was like every opportunity she had she would initiate sex. Now she doesn't want to go back to that wild sexy side and I'm back to getting my advances shot down. Hence the reason I said "I guess that phase is over". My instincts just seem to be screaming something is wrong


 HI AND WELCOME 
My thinking of it is she saw your marriage was under stress and that night was a wake up call to her and she gave some time thinking on what she thought you are wanting from her as a GOOD WIFE 
SO she tried harder to please you (might even used what women see on mags like cosmopolitan ) 
She made the extra effort and did not see the extra from your side so went back to normal or for the fact it was just an effort and not a life change the real her came back to the top ,and in a way the one you like most as you have become used to .


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BasicDude said:


> .....My wife and I have been *together for about 20 years*. .....Our sex life was good, the normal vanilla stuff ..... our sex had become pretty intermittent; about biweekly to maybe once a week.
> 
> ......Then we went on a vacation ......we had a big fight and that night we each went out by ourselves. I ended up getting drunk and I never really found out what she did. We made up the next day and ended the trip on a somewhar positive note *but things definitely felt off.*
> 
> ...





BasicDude said:


> .......by "off" I mean she was *colder than usual*. I don't know if distant is the word I'd use, *but we were not the same as before the fight.* I guess distant is the closest word I can use to describe it. As far as my schedule, zero change. I was never away from home before or after or since the vacation. There was *no change in our home environment.* *I almost got the feeling she was waiting on her period and then when it came, that's when she flipped.* Like a total switch, doing things we didn't even do when we dated.





BasicDude said:


> I like the idea of that better than thinking the worst but *her recent comment of overcompensate felt a lot like she was trying to compensate me during that month for what may (or may not) have happened.* It was like every opportunity she had she would initiate sex. *Now she doesn't want to go back to that wild sexy side* and I'm back to getting my advances shot down. Hence the reason I said "I guess that phase is over". My instincts just seem to be screaming something is wrong.





BasicDude said:


> Thanks for the perspective. I guess the real question now is: *how do I have this conversation*. I don't want to falsely accuse her, especially with no real proof. I mean, even if she did, she'd have no reason to admit it. I have never felt any need to ask her if she had cheated on me up until now. Even many years ago when I did travel a lot. But this has me really stressed out.





BasicDude said:


> Thank you for the wise words. *She is a wonderful woman and wife. I couldn't ask for more*. I have been mentally walking out both scenarios. Honestly, *I'm more afraid of her getting mad for even asking and the damage that can cause than I am of her confessing.*


You have been married to this woman for 20 years. You should know her facial expressions, what her tone of voice means and be able to read her body language. You should also be able to complete her sentences for her. Trust your gut instinct as it uses nonverbal clues you wife is giving you.

Her behavior was strange to say the least. Your instinct tells you it was tied to her period and when she got it she became hypersexual. 

Let's look at a few scenarios.

First, assume she did have unprotected sex with another man. She was incredibly frightened that she might be pregnant. She agonized over how to tell you she might be pregnant and when she found out she didn't need to tell you how she got pregnant she was so relieved, that she had an epiphany moment. She gave you all the sex she could, to ease her guilt. The down side of this explanation is that she knows how to and could have done those things to/with you over the 20 years of her marriage, but didn't think you were worth it. (Ouch!)

Second scenario is that she was so absolutely mad at you from the fight, that she was planning on divorcing you. In this case, she may have talked to a relative or close girlfriend and told her she was planning on divorcing you as she no longer loved you. Her friend may have told her she was mad, that she had a good husband who loved her, provided for her financially and she would destroy her life. In that case, she realized that what she was contemplating was a stupid mistake and wanted to deeply cement the relationship so no matter what, you would not leave her no matter how badly she had treated you after the fight. (Yes she knows you can read her nonverbal communications and knows she treated you badly after the fight. In this case "over-compensating" makes the most sense. Still as in the first scenario, it means she knows how to sexually please you, but for 20 years and now after her over-compensation is over, she has no desire to put in the effort to sexually pleasure you very much. (Ouch!)

The third scenario, is much different. You have been married 20 years, that means that your wife is probably in her early to mid 40's. Since your instinct tells you her hypersexuality was tied to her period, perhaps she entered menopause? it would be about the right age and there would be huge swings in hormone levels. 

"...The period before menopause is called perimenopause. During this time, estrogen and progesterone levels fluctuate, and numerous symptoms may be experienced. ..." So have you noticed the other signs of menopause, like hot flashes, weight gain, muscle loss, changes in skin texture or facial hair? I would bet, if you are observant, that you could find out if she has signs of menopause or perimenopause.

Of the three, I only see one that involved a ONS.

Now let's address the elephant in the room. "..... *I'm more afraid of her getting mad for even asking and the damage that can cause than I am of her confessing.*....."

*Sounds like you really want to rug-sweep this one, doesn't it?* I would say that rug-sweeping is not a good way to live your life, unless you can totally put this out of your mind and forgive her no matter what happened after that fight.

I think you should "grow a pair" and sit down with her and talk to her. Tell her that she is a wonderful wife and that you value your relationship, but that something has been emotionally bothering you for several months and it is related to her "over-compensation" following the vacation fight. I would apologize to her for your childish and disrespectful behavior. Be sincere.

I would then focus your discussion on the "hypersexual behavior" and the "over-compensation." Tell her that you want to talk about that. Tell her that, when that happened you were the happiest man alive, that you felt a closer emotional connection to her than you ever have felt. That you want to understand exactly what happened and why. Don't bring up any fear of cheating on her part. 

Focus on how a woman could be married to a man for 20 years, have the skills and knowledge to please him like that and just not value him enough, except in a brief period of "over-compensation." Tell her that you are trying to wrap your head around how she can treat you so differently in an effort to understand how she really feels about you? 

Why would she not do those things or behave in that way for 20 years, suddenly turn it on, and then after a few months turn it completely off? Those are fair questions to ask and have nothing to do with a ONS. 

Those will be extremely difficult questions for her to address. You will have to be extremely strong not to allow her to rug-sweep the answers. You can do it, if you are committed to finding out the answers and insist on an answer.

Don't be surprised if she freaks out and gets "emotionally flooded" (Google it); where she can't rationally talk to you. If that happens, be the adult in the room. Tell her that you understand how upsetting this may be to her, but that this is critically important to the future of your marriage and your emotional happiness. If she does get emotionally flooded, tell her to take some time and that the two of you can discuss in the next weekend. If she refuses, tell her that the two of you need to discuss it together or you need to go to a marriage counselor to discuss it as you have to know and have answers to your questions. Tell her you need to know and it is critical to your happiness.

Good luck.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Sounds like a case of ONS-itis.

One night swap.

Initially, I was going to comment that I saw nothing wrong with her actions, but her using the word "compensate" is suspect AF. That plus her doing new things. 

While on vacation, did she mention any guys? Anyone you both know were in the same place, vacationing or not, with you?


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> If she refuses, tell her that the two of you need to discuss it together or you need to go to a marriage counselor to discuss it as you have to know and have answers to your questions.


Going to a marriage counselor to sort of find out if she cheated on you or not can really backfire on him. If the counselor is a female, expect gender bias. If the counselor is a male, she will cry all session and drown all communication in emotion and you will get nowhere. Going to a counselor at this stage is a waste of time.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> When I read this I could substitute the words “be self-conscious about it and overreact”. 🤷‍♂️


I somewhat agree with you. I think it would cause me to just either completely back off and shut down - or try harder and just make things worse


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

BasicDude said:


> I like the idea of that better than thinking the worst but her recent comment of overcompensate felt a lot like she was trying to compensate me during that month for what may (or may not) have happened. It was like every opportunity she had she would initiate sex. Now she doesn't want to go back to that wild sexy side and I'm back to getting my advances shot down. Hence the reason I said "I guess that phase is over". My instincts just seem to be screaming something is wrong.


I had to learn with my husband, that making advances at him when he is tired and him telling me no, was making him sad and depressed as well. I quit making advances at him (I mean actually asking for it) and just kept flirting with him and being my sweet and loving self and now he comes to me and starts it. He has every time in the past month or so. And it's more frequent as well. I know that your situation is nothing like mine - but I really hope that this helps.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I somewhat agree with you. I think it would cause me to just either completely back off and shut down - or try harder and just make things worse


Some posters, including OP are more hung up on the word 'compensate' as a sort of slip-up or indication of her guilt. I'm just not following that thinking. Maybe it's right, but I don't see the connection. Perhaps I'm just dense.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

After you two got back from vacation, there was NO intimacy for a whole month.

Her, then getting hyper-sexual, adding in first-time ever, BJ's, *may have been a last-ditch effort to strengthen the relationship, concentrating on the sex.*

The BJ's were added because she knew how important they are to men.

She is a grown woman, knows that BJ's are part of most (other couples) bedroom sessions.
Hell, every movie seems to include them, now.

Then, after-

a) She backed off on the hot sex when she got you back in line.

b) She may merely have tried to fire up her own sexuality.
It did not seem to work, so she returned to her normal LD self.

........................................................................................................

I am aware that cheating women often get hyper-sexual (to alleviate their guilt, and in an attempt to win back the BH).
Not enough info for that conclusion.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Some posters, including OP are more hung up on the word 'compensate' as a sort of slip-up or indication of her guilt. I'm just not following that thinking. Maybe it's right, but I don't see the connection. Perhaps I'm just dense.


You're not at all. I know this because I'm guilty of it. One of my biggest flaws is that I try, and if it doesn't go right the first time, I try even harder, the second time because I am a pleaser.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> After you two got back from vacation, there was NO intimacy for a whole month.
> 
> Her, then getting hyper-sexual, adding in first-time ever, BJ's, *may have been a last-ditch effort to strengthen the relationship, concentrating on the sex.*
> 
> ...


It's possible that she felt well rested and wanted OP after a month of no contact because she physically and emotionally missed him being there.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> Going to a marriage counselor to sort of find out if she cheated on you or not can really backfire on him. If the counselor is a female, expect gender bias. If the counselor is a male, she will cry all session and drown all communication in emotion and you will get nowhere. Going to a counselor at this stage is a waste of time.


Not all women are bias. Not all men are bias. Counseling is never a waste of time.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

My take is something almost happened or she had some drunken discussion with somebody about how to spice things up. Absent more info then you have you will never know for sure.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> I am aware that cheating women often get hyper-sexual (to alleviate their guilt, and in an attempt to win back the BH).
> Not enough info for that conclusion.


I agree with this. There is enough to be suspicious and have that 'gut feeling', but not enough to act on it.

@BasicDude do you have any way of getting some evidence one way or another?

I'm still leaning toward her texting a close confidant about this so maybe check her texts.

It could be:
"we had a fight and I spent the night considering leaving him, but got drunk and fell asleep"
Or:
"we had a fight, went our own ways, and I crossed a line"


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What did she tell you about where she went that night and what she did? What time did she get back?
The one month of no sex could be fear of pregnancy or fear of an STD. Or could be neither, but no sex at all to a complete change after a month seems very odd.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

My thoughts on this - if you do dig, decide now on what you want to do with your findings. Are you ready and willing to work through it with her? Or is that enough reason for you to throw in the towel? Maybe she just fell asleep. What if you find absolutely nothing, but then she finds out that you were snooping and then that opens a whole other can of worms that you might not want to have to deal with because she is then going to know that you don't trust her. 
My question - what did you do that night? Why was there no physical contact? Did she stay away from you? Did you stay away from her as well? This is where I'm saying, that maybe if you didn't come on to her for the entire month, it made her miss you. My husband wasn't wrong when he said that I don't make him work for it and that's why he would never initiate.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Truly, low desire woman rarely cheat, especially having a one night stand.

I get it, some do.

Some women are LD, only with their husbands, having no desire for him or having strong resentment for him.

If the argument that you had on vacation that caused both of you to go out separately was VERY nasty and abusive to the wife, then yes, maybe she cheated out of hurt and anger (ONS).

OP, you have more 'splainin' to do for us.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

BasicDude said:


> Thank you for the wise words. She is a wonderful woman and wife. I couldn't ask for more. I have been mentally walking out both scenarios. Honestly, I'm more afraid of her getting mad for even asking and the damage that can cause than I am of her confessing.


I've always operated under the philosophy of "Trust but Verify."
If your intuition is sending you the message that something is wrong, it probably is.
Therefore you need to do some homework. Check her phone, her social media, her car, her pattern of doing things, etc.
Note any issues. If you find some, document them.
If you find none, implement a mild 180 for a few days to see if you get a return of the behaviors that you noted previously.
If you get the same response, then you need to have a talk.
Either way, you should probably have a sit down with her.
Accuse her of nothing. Outline your concerns. Note her reaction.
If you found something, without disclosing your sources, throw out tidbits of information to let her know that you know something. note her reaction. Ask follow up questions. Try to rattle her.
If you find nothing, then perhaps you need to find out why she is acting out of character. Open up some dialogue with her in an attempt to improve communication.
Take the info that you gather and decide how to react. If there is nothing, solution may be establishing better communication or some appropriate counseling for one or both of you. Obviously if she cheated, then you need to take appropriate action


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Might seem like an odd question, but where were you on vacation? Do you think the opportunity for her to cheat was there? And did she question where you went? If not, that would make me question why not. She didn't ask you, because she didn't want you to ask her.

Something does seem off. The one month w/o sex could have been her way of punishing you for the vacation blowup. Or it could have been she cheated and had regrets and wanted to avoid sex for a while. But both are pure speculation.

Always trust your gut though. Maybe talk about the vacation in general...the good parts...and see if she acts odd. If she cheated, that will bring back memories and you will be able to read her body language and tone.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

bud
i dont think there is a red flag there - I go through similar phases of ups and down on my physical needs and mostly happens when i workout or start walking/jogging. for a woman it is worse. 
the fact that you are getting all that toward you then this is a green light - women hormones are like their brains very complex and hard to understand. 

just to be at ease, go underground and monitor her phone, messages, and if she starts going out on ladies nights etc... you benefit from reading posts here


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Not all women are bias. Not all men are bias. Counseling is never a waste of time.


I never said otherwise. What I said that at this stage of the game, with a potential cheating episode on the table, what the OP wants to know IS NOT going to be answered in a counseling session.

And I never said counseling is a waste of time either.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Ok, so for the most part, this is 100% supposition based on marginally correlated events.

So, for argument's sake, let us say that it did happen. There are really only 3 options here:
1. She'll take it to the grave and no one will know about it except her and the other dude.
2. She'll feel so guilty she'll eventually come clean.
3. She's told her BFFs about it, and she might possibly slip up and you'll find out.

Take a look through her phone or whatever and see if anything's fishy, and if you can't find anything of substance, I suggest you mentally move on. You'll be chasing ghosts your entire life.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> Our sex life was good, the normal vanilla stuff which she really preferred and I was content with it.


Would she say the same. Your sex life tailing off says otherwise



BasicDude said:


> I really don't even know how to start a conversation about it.


You need to have a conversation. Dont accuse, just ask how she feels things are between you and listen. Open questions. Not in the bedroom. Facing one another and holding hands.



BasicDude said:


> n. I don't want to falsely accuse her, especially with no real proof. I mean, even if she did, she'd have no reason to admit it.


Dont accuse. It achieves nothing but makes the relationship worse. If she is guilty of anything, accusation wont reveal it anyway. She will just deny, deflect, and rage.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

If it was an ONS... chances are he's never going to get any information out of her. 

Ears open, mouth shut is his only alternative. Unless he hands her divorce papers on a conditional basis, at which point she's probably going to divulge some information.

The feeling of potentially having been cheated on never leaves you though... trust is gone.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BoSlander said:


> If it was an ONS... chances are he's never going to get any information out of her.


Maybe you're right but I think there's a chance he would.

Assume she had a ONS like many we've seen on TAM.
This scenario is playing out differently.

She stayed away from OP sexually until she had her period.
That's rare.
Either she was protecting him from an STD and needed to wait for results (we've seen that like what...once?)
Or she didn't want the fear of pregnancy with the confusion about the father.

More often than not the WW will try to act perfectly normal in spite of all risks.

So this makes me think the WW here has a bit of a conscience.
So maybe she would continue to lie or maybe she would come clean. Or something in between.

Tough to say.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

BoSlander said:


> If it was an ONS... chances are he's never going to get any information out of her.
> 
> Ears open, mouth shut is his only alternative. Unless he hands her divorce papers on a conditional basis, at which point she's probably going to divulge some information.
> 
> The feeling of potentially having been cheated on never leaves you though... trust is gone.


I agree he's probably never going to know for sure. If he asks, 99% she will say no either way. And if she didn't cheat, the accusation will affect their marriage.

Sit tight, ears and eyes open. Like I said above, talk about the vacation with her and she if she gets squirmy. Most people that cheat don't stop at once. But in time, he's going to have to let it go and trust her.


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

Have you had a vasectomy? If so then of course she'd be stressed out beyond belief if she's not on any contraception herself. If you aren't "snipped" then one would think she'd have been all over you just in case she were pregnant from a one night stand.

Having been so easily deceived for 17 of the 23 yrs I was with my ex-wife I may be hypersensitive to this sort of thing but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck chances are its not a parrot.

Like you, each time I did discover things my ex had done I'd had a gut feeling something was off.....

Sorry you are going through this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Waiting for a month like that is really particularly odd. I’d say fear of pregnancy. Doesn’t match up with fear of disease.

then again, typical cheater ONS result would be that the sex would go up immediately after the ONS because she’s attempting to dodge the OP thinking he it’s not the father and doing a DNA test. Holding off for a month related to pregnancy or disease fear would show conscience and that’s not something a woman who’d go out after 20 years and bang another guy over a fight would do.

I can see very few women marriedfor 20 years, going out and banging a stranger over a fight.

Honestly, I know it happens, but a person that would do something that cruel—— I truly would divorce them with gusto.

OP, this is what I’d do. I’d call a polygrapher. I’d set up an appointment. I wouldn’t tell the wife. I’d do it in her off day. Then I’d drive her to it, tell her she didn’t have sex with you for a month after going out after the fight, then waited until her period, then started having sex with you and giving you BJ’s which she never did even dating—- so you are now not trusting her and taking her to a polygraph. Have divorce papers with you to present if she says no. You’ll either get a divorce or a parking lot confession, either if which should satisfy you because you now have a bad deal.

Fear gets you nothing. Showing weakness gets you worse than nothing. You have two choices:
Either grow a spine and show her a man who is ready to lose the marriage or fix it by her taking a polygraph, or you can suffer the rest of your marriage knowing that there is something going on that she is trying truthful about.

There is 100% chance that she is lying about something by omission. She’s proven by all the time that’s gone by that she isn’t going to give you the truth. You have to force it.

Like most who come here, the fear you’ve described will likely keep you from reaching the truth, and you’ll be dwelling in this the rest of your marriage.

An exact month of monkey sex followed and preceded by same old same old???? That never happens without a reason.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BasicDude said:


> Thank you for the wise words. She is a wonderful woman and wife. I couldn't ask for more. I have been mentally walking out both scenarios. Honestly, I'm more afraid of her getting mad for even asking and the damage that can cause than I am of her confessing.


Instead of asking from a sex position, ask her what she did that night when you both separated. You said you never spoke about it -- maybe you should.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

BasicDude said:


> [...]Honestly, *I'm more afraid of her getting mad* for even asking and the damage that can cause than I am of her confessing.


So... you're afraid of your wife and she does not go down on you or do any submissive sexual positions. Dude, your woman does not respect you. You ought to work on that first before you approach her.

You DO have the nuclear option (divorce), but your opinions point to *you* needing her more than she needs you so you'd end up hurting yourself (and your kids) in the process.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> Instead of asking from a sex position, ask her what she did that night when you both separated. You said you never spoke about it -- maybe you should.


He's afraid of her.


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

For those that think I'm afraid of her; that's not the case. We've had a wonderful marriage, and other than this deep suspicion, still do. I am, however, afraid of the consequences/damage on our relationship if I imply or accuse her and and there is some other reasonable explanation, of which I'm completely blind to. The radical change in behavior and surrounding circumstances are not proof of much, as extremely suspicious as they are for, so is it worth engaging in this conversation.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Not all women are bias. Not all men are bias. Counseling is never a waste of time.


"Not all women are bias"
"Not all men are bias."

True and True.
But happens so frequently (more times than not, sadly) that being aware that is not improbable may be of some value.

"Counseling is never a waste of time."
If it´s MC, I would say that sometimes but far from always is not a waste of time.
And not always but sometimes, enough times to be careful, is worst than just that.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I wouldn't accuse unless you have a little more to go on....with next to no evidence, she can deny it too easily. If after some more research you still have nothing, I would ask what happened that night but you will likely get nowhere, and I wouldn't accuse her of a ONS unless you have some extra info.

Your gut feeling about this is likely correct.


When you saw her later that night, had she showered?
Have you checked phone records (like from the online bill) for that night?
Can you check Dr. records for an STD test?
Did you look through browsing history to see what she searched?
Does she use gmail? If so, check the search history in the google account...
Check the facebook activity log, if something happened she might have searched for the guy...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BasicDude said:


> For those that think I'm afraid of her; that's not the case. We've had a wonderful marriage, and other than this deep suspicion, still do. I am, however, afraid of the consequences/damage on our relationship if I imply or accuse her and and there is some other reasonable explanation, of which I'm completely blind to. The radical change in behavior and surrounding circumstances are not proof of much, as extremely suspicious as they are for, so is it worth engaging in this conversation.


Then just ask her. What did she do that evening on the holiday. Where did she go? Why did she not have sex for a month and then be all over you?
To be honest I would have asked at the time.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Sorry If I missed it, but how did she act that night you guys saw each other again? Or did you not see her till the next morning? When she got back did she immediately jump in the shower?


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

BasicDude said:


> For those that think I'm afraid of her; that's not the case. We've had a wonderful marriage, and other than this deep suspicion, still do. I am, however, afraid of the consequences/damage on our relationship if I imply or accuse her and and there is some other reasonable explanation, of which I'm completely blind to. The radical change in behavior and surrounding circumstances are not proof of much, as extremely suspicious as they are for, so is it worth engaging in this conversation.


Basic, you've been given some ideas of what to do here, and I can't tell if you are ignoring them, or don't want to investigate. Here are a few so far:


Check her phone while she is sleeping. Look for texts to friends, location info (if she uses google, for example) etc. from that night.
Look through her purse for receipts, etc. that might be from that night
Check credit card bills, bank statements, etc for charges she made that night that might give you info about what she did.
If you don't find anything, then sit her down and ask her what she did that night. Tell her what you did. Watch her reaction closely. Then tell her that her behavior when you got back was really strange and concerning because it was so out of character. Make sure you tell her you loved it, but it was so out of character, and turned on then off so suddenly, that it's really thrown you for a loop and you need to know where it came from. Watch her reactions as you are speaking, and make adjustments as you feel necessary. So you aren't accusing her directly, but are asking questions for valid reasons.

This is what I would do. If I struck out, then I would probably just let it go. Remember, as much as this is bothering you it's probably a long shot that something bad happened. And, you're going to ask her what she did, so you will have some idea about that when the conversation is over. If you think she's lying then that's a different story, but start with what I've typed above. Good luck.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Exit37 said:


> Basic, you've been given some ideas of what to do here, and I can't tell if you are ignoring them, or don't want to investigate. Here are a few so far:
> 
> 
> Check her phone while she is sleeping. Look for texts to friends, location info (if she uses google, for example) etc. from that night.
> ...


Agree that if he confronts, he should simply ask what she did that night specifically, without ONS accusation.

If she says she went to bar xyz, but there are no credit card receipts for bar xyz, then he has some reasons to start asking deeper questions etc.... basically, let her walk herself into a story that either proves true or doesn't before he makes an accusation of ONS caliber.

ETA: If she was doing something legitamate, I would think there would some expenditure of funds (unless she carries cash)....


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> Not sure where to begin. My wife and I have been together for about 20 years. We've been pretty solid despite living through a wide variety of things that would test even the strongest marriage. Our sex life was good, the normal vanilla stuff which she really preferred and I was content with it. As is normal with aging and with kids, our sex had become pretty intermittent; about biweekly to maybe once a week. I would have liked more but she was often not interested and with my advances being often shot down, I then slowed down.
> 
> Then we went on a vacation just the two of us. While on vacation we had a big fight and that night we each went out by ourselves. I ended up getting drunk and I never really found out what she did. We made up the next day and ended the trip on a somewhar positive note but things definitely felt off.
> 
> ...


There are some oddities in her behavior, for sure, but I can't completely connect the dots to lead me to cheating.

It sounds like overall you have a good relationship with your wife. If I were in your shoes I would have a conversation with her, but no mention of infidelity. There just isn't enough evidence for that. No accusations, just a heart to heart about your marriage, as it is important to you. I would focus on the erratic changes. I would would open with something like, "I've noticed a lot of ups an downs in you over the past several months. I really enjoyed the fun we've had in the bedroom. It seems like things changed shortly after our vacation. What do you think started these changes? You never told me, what did you do that night we argued?" You really have to listen well and ask questions empathetically. I don't know that these are the right words, you know your wife best, but this is something on your mind and you need to talk to her about it. 

I will say that her behavior doesn't sound like a ONS. I don't buy the pregnancy scare idea. It would have made more sense for her to love bomb you immediately. That way if she were pregnant you would automatically assume it was your. 

As for the over compensate comment. I took that to mean that you were making her self conscious and she would over compensate as a result. I can't tie that to infidelity in my mind. 

I would dig a little into the month between vacation and the hypersexual period. If you have access to her phone look for any texts or messages. Does she tend to protect her phone or do you both have open access to each others phones? You could also look at your phone records to see if there were any unknown numbers that popped up at that time. Other than that I wouldn't get too crazy. 

So overall, my suggestion is investigate a little, keep ears and eyes open and have a good conversation with her about your marriage and her changes in general. See if she is happy or if she thinks something is broken.


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## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

BasicDude, I have had two similar occurrences with my wife and feel the same as you that direct questioning might cause more damage than learning the truth. In one of my cases my wife became highly orgasmic from grinding with clothes on. It went on for a few weeks and then disappeared forever from our repertoire. The second time she started using her hands during oral and I immediately felt like she was measuring me with her fingers and doing mental comparisons. That went on for a few weeks and never returned. 
So what's a man to do? Dig a little. Pay attention. Ask peripheral questions, I asked about shows and books my wife was watching and reading. Try to determine where it could have come from. Tell her what a rockin' good time that stretch was and try to get her to open up more about how that felt TO HER. 
At the end of my searching I concluded that the grinding was hormonally driven. The handsy BJs still rattle me when I think about them because they came during a time when she was working in the home of another couple as a nanny. I know there is no way to get the truth, even if I am tricky as hell with the conversations. So either way I lose, demand answers I am never going to get, or continue with the nagging feeling that something probably happened. 
What I did accomplish through this was to become more assertive, in charge, and uncompromising with our intimacy. If the totality of our other marriage issues eventually bring us to divorce it will be then when I ask for the truth.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

AttaBoy said:


> BasicDude, I have had two similar occurrences with my wife and feel the same as you that direct questioning might cause more damage than learning the truth. In one of my cases my wife became highly orgasmic from grinding with clothes on. It went on for a few weeks and then disappeared forever from our repertoire. The second time she started using her hands during oral and I immediately felt like she was measuring me with her fingers and doing mental comparisons. That went on for a few weeks and never returned.
> So what's a man to do? Dig a little. Pay attention. Ask peripheral questions, I asked about shows and books my wife was watching and reading. Try to determine where it could have come from. Tell her what a rockin' good time that stretch was and try to get her to open up more about how that felt TO HER.
> At the end of my searching I concluded that the grinding was hormonally driven. The handsy BJs still rattle me when I think about them because they came during a time when she was working in the home of another couple as a nanny. I know there is no way to get the truth, even if I am tricky as hell with the conversations. So either way I lose, demand answers I am never going to get, or continue with the nagging feeling that something probably happened.
> What I did accomplish through this was to become more assertive, in charge, and uncompromising with our intimacy. If the totality of our other marriage issues eventually bring us to divorce it will be then when I ask for the truth.


Did you make note to her that you enjoyed her being handsy during the bj? Maybe she stopped, if you didn't seem to enjoy it?


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

So to answer more questions, I did search for as much evidence as I could without being overt. It is difficult to get alone with her phone as she is a nightshift nurse so I never explored that. 

We were at a vacation resort hotel with its own bar and several around it. Completely discrete opportunities did exist. She would have had no reason to take an uber, use her card or anything like that. We actually planned on using mostly cash prior to going

As for the solid month off after returning, I had a vasectomy that's remained effective for over 10 years. This is why I got so suspicious when that month was up and things got really hot.

The vacation was a while ago (late winter) so I think the time to dig deeper has past for the most part. 

Thanks for the input so far. I am formulating my next move


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> Thanks for the input so far. I am formulating my next move


You really don't have much. I think your best bet is to sit down and have a conversation that starts with you saying something like "That night and what happened after it hasn't sat right with me, and I'm having trouble. Could you walk me through what happened and what you were thinking?"

and, any questions you have, keep coming back to what she was thinking, not what she was doing.

Then, sort of irrespective of what she says, you'll need to let it go, most likely.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Ok, so there have been multiple scenarios played out here at the behest of the OP. I'm looking at this in this way. They take a little snuggly trip together, just them. For whatever reason it goes south and they have a hum dinger of a fight! They both stomp off mad at each other, seathing with pain and anger! He states he just gets drunk as f****, and passes out. He never states what she may have said she did. Trip over go home. They resume the ho hum married life as usual. Absent any intimacy, just living together. A month goes by. He notes she has her period. Then all of of a sudden, BAM! It's game on. Toe curling, rock your socks off sexy time with the wife! Finally after all these years. She's being a woman he only dreamed of, doing things with him he dared not even ask her for! Sexy dress ups, talking dirty, doing acts she's rarely, if ever done with him before. He's all about hell yes! 
Click...in comes his old wife, just as suddenly. Back to seperate chairs, looking for begging strips like old times. Sits looking at her thinking, wtf just happened? WTF?
So now he's hurt, has no idea what's going on. 20 years of meh sexy time, then wow oh wow sexy time, then back to meh sexy time? What did I do wrong? Is it me? Wait a minute....so things start running through his mind, she just had a period, we didn't have any sexy time after the trip now for a month, I thought she was mad at me, then Pandora opens her box and suddenly shuts it.just back to same old same old. So he searches out a forum, as in here. Writes about his confusion and concern. Why would this be? 
Well, the real question is this. The fight, what did she do after that fight. Has she told you? Did you ever ask? If not, then it's time you did. Cuz something has changed, especially after the comment she made when you.asked why all the hot sexy time time the nothing. Only thing is, what changed?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BasicDude said:


> So to answer more questions, I did search for as much evidence as I could without being overt. It is difficult to get alone with her phone as she is a nightshift nurse so I never explored that.
> 
> We were at a vacation resort hotel with its own bar and several around it. Completely discrete opportunities did exist. She would have had no reason to take an uber, use her card or anything like that. We actually planned on using mostly cash prior to going
> 
> ...


What time did she get back? What did she say about where she had been?


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> Ok, so there have been multiple scenarios played out here at the behest of the OP. I'm looking at this in this way. They take a little snuggly trip together, just them. For whatever reason it goes south and they have a hum dinger of a fight! They both stomp off mad at each other, seathing with pain and anger! He states he just gets drunk as f****, and passes out. He never states what she may have said she did. Trip over go home. They resume the ho hum married life as usual. Absent any intimacy, just living together. A month goes by. He notes she has her period. Then all of of a sudden, BAM! It's game on. Toe curling, rock your socks off sexy time with the wife! Finally after all these years. She's being a woman he only dreamed of, doing things with him he dared not even ask her for! Sexy dress ups, talking dirty, doing acts she's rarely, if ever done with him before. He's all about hell yes!
> Click...in comes his old wife, just as suddenly. Back to seperate chairs, looking for begging strips like old times. Sits looking at her thinking, wtf just happened? WTF?
> So now he's hurt, has no idea what's going on. 20 years of meh sexy time, then wow oh wow sexy time, then back to meh sexy time? What did I do wrong? Is it me? Wait a minute....so things start running through his mind, she just had a period, we didn't have any sexy time after the trip now for a month, I thought she was mad at me, then Pandora opens her box and suddenly shuts it.just back to same old same old. So he searches out a forum, as in here. Writes about his confusion and concern. Why would this be?
> Well, the real question is this. The fight, what did she do after that fight. Has she told you? Did you ever ask? If not, then it's time you did. Cuz something has changed, especially after the comment she made when you.asked why all the hot sexy time time the nothing. Only thing is, what changed?



I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head


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## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Did you make note to her that you enjoyed her being handsy during the bj? Maybe she stopped, if you didn't seem to enjoy it?


I did not, because the alarm bells were going off in my head. It really felt like she wasn't paying attention to pleasuring me, but instead was reenacting something she saw, read, or DID. Plus, one of our/her disfunctions is sometimes if I ask her if she can try something different she takes it as a huge insult and responds with a "If you don't like the way I do it maybe I won't do it at all" . Not just with intimacy, it could be a meal, or and outfit, or parrellel parking. 
But I have at times talked about what I like and what I want, but not during things. It too often wrecks the moment if I do.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Don't you EVER comment on my parking... but.. I ask my husband all the time to tell me what he wants and how he wants it. I'm not going to know if you aren't going to tell. I do hear what you are saying though.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Don't you EVER comment on my parking... but.. I ask my husband all the time to tell me what he wants and how he wants it. I'm not going to know if you aren't going to tell. I do hear what you are saying though.


My wife is like @AttaBoy s, any comment about what I like is seen as criticism about what she’s doing. Whateveer that might be. It took a LOT of careful communication to get where we are now (better but not perfect).


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

BasicDude said:


> For those that think I'm afraid of her; that's not the case. We've had a wonderful marriage, and other than this deep suspicion, still do. I am, however, afraid of the consequences/damage on our relationship if I imply or accuse her and and there is some other reasonable explanation, of which I'm completely blind to. The radical change in behavior and surrounding circumstances are not proof of much, as extremely suspicious as they are for, so is it worth engaging in this conversation.


So walk up to her and ask her! Don’t hold back. Too freaking bad if she takes offense to it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head


It seems to me that you need to explore what happened on that night you argued. I would tell her that you've been thinking about how erratic her behavior was in the months following your vacation and ask her what did she do out on her own? In the end you have to either decide that you can live with keeping this internalized or you have to take a chance try to shed some light on it.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Seriously, you think you go on a vacation with your wife of 20 years, had a great relationship for the most part the whole time, no other instances of infidelity, then all of a sudden they get in one fight and she's sleeping with someone else? That sounds ludicrous to me. For the most part, when women get into a fight, they are mad and that mad stays with them for awhile, at lease any woman i've been around. The last thing that is on their mind when they're mad is screwing. 

If OP even thinks his wife would do that, he shouldn't be with her. I think that it's ridiculous to think she had a ONS based on the information offered.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Seriously, you think you go on a vacation with your wife of 20 years, had a great relationship for the most part the whole time, no other instances of infidelity, then all of a sudden they get in one fight and she's sleeping with someone else? That sounds ludicrous to me. For the most part, when women get into a fight, they are mad and that mad stays with them for awhile, at lease any woman i've been around. The last thing that is on their mind when they're mad is screwing.
> 
> If OP even thinks his wife would do that, he shouldn't be with her. I think that it's ridiculous to think she had a ONS based on the information offered.


I guess it kinda depends. What was the fight about?

"You're a lousy lay" could send her off to refute that claim I bet.

So OP, what did you fight about that fateful night?


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

BasicDude said:


> Not sure where to begin. My wife and I have been together for about 20 years. We've been pretty solid despite living through a wide variety of things that would test even the strongest marriage. Our sex life was good, the normal vanilla stuff which she really preferred and I was content with it. As is normal with aging and with kids, our sex had become pretty intermittent; about biweekly to maybe once a week. I would have liked more but she was often not interested and with my advances being often shot down, I then slowed down.
> 
> Then we went on a vacation just the two of us. While on vacation we had a big fight and that night we each went out by ourselves. I ended up getting drunk and I never really found out what she did. We made up the next day and ended the trip on a somewhar positive note but things definitely felt off.
> 
> ...


Most likely she hot herself a hold of one of them erotica books or someone she saw in public that got her juices flowing. A couple months ago even my wife said she couldn't read those kind of books anymore cause it gets her too "distracted", and she never really reads those but her friend gave it to her. Just ask her what book she read and buy her many more


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> she is a nightshift nurse


Oh no. Not another one of those. Nightshift no less. Lotta young male residents locked up for long hours in a hospital with a bunch of female nurses. All night, when workload is slow. What could possibly go wrong? 

Was she on shift or off when she got wild with you? I think you have more to be concerned about than any potential ONS. I think the sex with you slowed down for other reasons.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OP I just dont get how that could have happened yet neither if you asked where the other had been or what they had done at the time. Did you just ignore the fact that it happened?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> OP I just dont get how that could have happened yet neither if you asked where the other had been or what they had done at the time. Did you just ignore the fact that it happened?


It's called don't ask, don't tell. Ignorance is bliss.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Several possibilities. But first, your gut is right most of the time. It's a 6th sense. If you feel something is up, it probably is.

However, here are some possible reasons.

1) It could be she talked with a girlfriend about your mediocre sex life, and got advice on how to spice things up. So she tried them. Was fun for awhile but then for whatever reason, she got tired, or she didn't feel you were really any different. Thus, perhaps she felt a tad rejected by how you reacted, and shut it back down. Maybe this had absolutely nothing to do with the trip at all.

2) It could be, as some suggested, that she had a pregnancy scare because she banged some stranger that night. She hated herself for it, was nervous, etc. So between that night, and her period, she tried to avoid giving herself away, so she mostly avoided you. Then when the period came, she was so relieved that she got a get out of jail free card, and went wild for awhile in the bedroom. Maybe she felt surviving the scare was a massive new lease on life/marriage.

3) Maybe she read a sexy book. I know my wife was WAY more randy and adventurous during the Fifty Shades craze when she was reading those books. In fact, she suddenly started doing oral after years of nothing. Then, it wore off when she finished the book.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

NSFW.

I hate to say it, but the very first thing I thought about was this old bit from Eddie Murphy's Raw. Warning - anyone who's a fan knows he swears. A lot. 🤣


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

ONS are hard to catch because there is often no residual evidence. My advice is to lay low and do not approach her regarding this. As it stands, you have a questionable possibility of a disputable maybe. You simply do not have enough evidence at all to confront her with anything. Yes, her actions were highly suspicious, but as each day passes since that night the chances of you ever finding out the accurate truth of what happened diminish exponentially. 

Watch her. Pull back and really watch her. Document her behavior and date it. Then when you have done this for a few weeks, look for a pattern. 

Third, start saving up a rainy-day fund. Open up an account in your name only and start squirrelling away some money. Try to save up $10k to $15k in case the worst-case scenario happens and it all goes tits up. You need to have some fallback money, especially if you have been married for twenty years and that wonderful wife of yours turns into Annie Wilkes.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Brother just be a loving husband as you are. Have a genuine non confrontational talk with her about your intimacy. Let her know just how amazing she was for that period and how it made you feel like the king of the world! Also how close and intimate you felt to her after so long together. Suggest that maybe once a week or so, you guys can have one of those toe curling love sessions together to keep the passion going! Not everything is about having affairs, sometimes we all get ideas that sound great, try them and realize we bit of more than we can handle.
However, if your really concerned that maybe something untoward did happen, then carefully broach the trip and discuss the fight and the aftermath. No backs against the wall. May need to resolve some issues left over. Mainly like these good and experienced folks have said here, watch her body language during the discussion and whatever you do...control your emotions! Don't just blow cuz the
answer doesn't satisfy you and start accusing her of anything. Capiche?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> It's called don't ask, don't tell. Ignorance is bliss.


I would have asked at the time, but that's just me


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BoSlander said:


> Going to a marriage counselor to sort of find out if she cheated on you or not can really backfire on him. If the counselor is a female, expect gender bias. If the counselor is a male, she will cry all session and drown all communication in emotion and you will get nowhere. Going to a counselor at this stage is a waste of time.


Not my experience with a female Sex Therapist and Marriage counselor that saved my sex starved marriage or the female marriage counselor who helped us with a "tune-up" prior to our retirement. I felt both were neutral and tended to side with the one that was most honest in their explanations and most committed to making the marriage better as long as they were being reasonable. The woman ST was tough as nails on my wife, when my wife tried to avoid answering questions that needed to be answered. My wife tried to distract or answer questions that were not asked. My wife even got into an argument once where to told the ST, that the ST was not her boss and my W didn't have to do the homework assignments. The ST said my wife was correct, but my wife need to accept the consequences of her actions. If my wife didn't want to commit to try to save the marriage, that would be something that might haunt her for the rest of her life. Afterwards my wife cried on the drive home. I saw no gender bias.

If you reread, my suggestion is it not to use the a marriage counselor or a talk to find out if his wife cheated. The purpose is to find out why his wife could become hypersexual for a couple months and then turn it totally off. 

Again, the point of getting an answer to that question is not to find out if his wife cheated, but to find out why she would have the knowledge, skills, and desire to sexually pleasure him for a couple months, when she wouldn't do that before during their 20 year marriage and then drop it after her "over-reaction." 

Quite likely if the sexual over-reaction is related to her quilt over her having an affair, there will possibly be a confession. *The OP is afraid to ask his wife if she had an affair, because she might get mad. By asking her why she showed him great sex for 2 months in a portion of the marriage, she may still get mad, but it is a question that has nothing to do with if she had an affair (unless she had an affair).* It is a question about why his W could treat him one way for most of their marriage, show him the good stuff and then take it away. That is a very legitimate question for the OP to ask his wife and one that his wife should easily understand is something he is thinking about. .

But to me it would be far more important to find out why she had been that cold and disrespectful of my needs. If I found out that she just didn't think she wanted to go to the trouble or bother, that would be a far more absolute reason to divorce her than her having an affair. An affair can be planned or a temporary action, but withholding sex from a spouse and having no remorse about it shows total disrespect in my book.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

More info to add to the confusion:

Every STD has its own incubation period. For some STDs, the body begins to produce antibodies and symptoms in as little as a few days. For others, it can take weeks or months for symptoms to appear. Here are the ranges of incubation periodsTrusted Source for some of the most common STDs.


*STD**Incubation period*chlamydia7–21 daysgenital herpesTrusted Source2–12 daysgonorrhea1–14 dayshepatitis ATrusted Source15–50 dayshepatitis B8–22 weekshepatitis C2–26 weeksHIV2–4 weeksHPV1 month–10 years (depending on type)oral herpes2–12 dayssyphilis3 weeks–20 years (depending on type)trichomoniasisTrusted Source5–28 days

BasicDude:

I think a review of your "fight" - the what you both did the night you went your separate ways - and why the 30 day hiatus follow by hyper activity and the the downer, back to little to almost nothing?

Best to get this done as it is occupying to much of your thinking.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BasicDude said:


> For those that think I'm afraid of her; that's not the case. We've had a wonderful marriage, and other than this deep suspicion, still do. I am, however, afraid of the consequences/damage on our relationship if I imply or accuse her and and there is some other reasonable explanation, of which I'm completely blind to. The radical change in behavior and surrounding circumstances are not proof of much, as extremely suspicious as they are for, so is it worth engaging in this conversation.


Then don't ask her if she cheated! Instead ask her why she had a radical change in behavior and how you can support that change in behavior to make it permanent. 

If she has a lame answer, tell her what you experienced was important to you and you want to know why she can't do that again for the rest of your marriage. That will be a very difficult question for her to answer without telling you why. The explanation may explain everything. Just don't rug sweep away asking that question.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I don’t know if any of this points to an affair or not. 

What I do know is sometimes the paranoid suspicion of cheating can be just as cancerous to one’s sanity and relationship as an affair itself. 

You need to address this rather than just letting your imagination and suspicions cause just as much damage as a ONS.

My questions are what was the fight about and has there been an actual resolution to that fight or are both of you putting your heads in the sand and rugsweeping that?

I don’t know if it would be wise to ask her if she hooked up with anyone quite yet, but I think it would be fair to see if there are any unresolved issues surrounding the fight that night and see if that needs further discussion.

From there you can bring up where she went and what she did after the fight, but in a non accusatory manner and without directly asking her if she hooked up with anyone. 

I think close observation of how she reacts while talking about that night will give you insight on if you need to look further into this.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

must have more than one relationship at work and on vacation, may often do things to others that he didn't do with you,

cheaters don't usually set limits on om's

Speak a little sharply with her, if you are more clear and determined than ever, she will realize the seriousness of the situation.

say the changes surprise you and you have doubts

You give it a chance to be open, you want it to go on a polygraph

Remind her that you can put divorce on the table instead of harming your mental health.

All you want from your wife is respect and trust to be honest with her husband.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He fears her anger. That in itself is very telling about their relationship and where this is headed. Total imbalance.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

ArthurGPym said:


> questionable possibility of a disputable maybe


🤣


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

So here is a major bluff idea:

Tell her you had painful urination and went to the doctor and they said it seems similar to an STD and they are testing you.

Tell her that since you haven't been with anyone else, that is impossible unless she did something.... ask if she has anything to tell you.

Gauge her reaction.

If you don't get any info, then say tests came back as nothing, just a viral thing....


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

re16 said:


> So here is a major bluff idea:
> 
> Tell her you had painful urination and went to the doctor and they said it seems similar to an STD and they are testing you.
> 
> ...


I'd only do that if it's clear she's not being honest. He doesn't know that yet. Otherwise, this is just deceitful. Once you open that door, it's dangerous.

He simply hasn't asked enough pointed questions. He can do that, as others have suggested, in a way that isn't accusatory of an affair. Then go from there if it still smells bad.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> ...that would be a far more absolute reason to divorce her than her having an affair. An affair can be planned or a temporary action


I agree to some of your posted views, previous to this.
The above quoted qualifies also that, so I´ve reconsidered the convergence and just for my own personal standing, I strongly dissagre.

Does the other aspects of her behaviour, other than cheating, deserve to be considered, adressed, eventually changed?
Yes. Of course if it´s not too little to late.
But there may be perhaps some kind of fix to it.

Infidelity is instead and just IMO a point of no return.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Not a big help now but,

never let your woman wander off by herself in an unfamiliar place- especially while intoxicated.
My opinion is to drop it because a lot of worse sh!t could have happened.

maybe I’m old fashioned but, you gotta make sure she is safe in situations like that.
Suck it up and take her back to the room!
Be mad at each other.
Whatever, just letting her wander around while tipsy by herself….

come on man.
Ok, I’m off my soap box.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Not a big help now but,
> 
> never let your woman wander off by herself in an unfamiliar place- especially while intoxicated.
> My opinion is to drop it because a lot of worse sh!t could have happened.
> ...


Our policy is no matter how mad either of us are we go to still sleep in the same bed and say I love you.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

You said all of this happened a while ago.
But you have a gut feeling. 
Why didn't you just ask her the next 
morning ? You don't have to ask her anything accusatory. Simply, what did you do after the fight , I went to the hotel bar , where did you go ?
Seems simple enough


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@BasicDude are there any updates?
Have you had any chats with her?
Maybe you have formulated your plan for the way forward?


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @BasicDude are there any updates?
> Have you had any chats with her?
> Maybe you have formulated your plan for the way forward?



So I have formulated a plan forward, much of which has been based on your specific advice. Looking back at the summer when things were crazy hot, she had been reading those sex novels that others had mentioned so I had chalked it up to that even though I was suspicious of it's proximity to our vacation and fight, so I had, for the most part let it go. The only reason my suspicion was rekindled was the recent "overcompensate" comment and general slow down in sex. She is still being more adventurous, just nothing like it was during that first intense month. I've decided to engage the topic without any direct accusation as you mentioned but the behavior swings and comment needs to be addressed. I have to say, I find the people that think I'm afraid of her a bit funny. I was a major hothead when I was younger. As I've gotten older, I'm much more in control of myself, but fear is not a problem, as I had been the scary one. To use an analogy it's like restoring an old car, your not afraid of the car or even driving it. Your afraid of damaging it, all the work and effort you put into it. We survived military deployments, hurricanes, family loss along with all the other normal marital problems. That's a lot of effort. It would be silly to do any damage to that without careful, prayerful consideration.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Although the car example is not very appropriate, it is self explanatory.

You don't waste time or money on a car you don't trust, you dispose of it.

your wife must prove to you that she is honest and trustworthy

Fear is diverse.

It is fear to live the problems in your head in order to protect the marriage. you have to talk and ask for answers

afraid to offer a polygraph

I wouldn't hesitate to look at the phone of the person I was married to, I would check their bill and check who they talked to the most.

if i have doubts!!


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

BasicDude said:


> [...]I have to say, I find the people that think I'm afraid of her a bit funny. I was a major hothead when I was younger. As I've gotten older, I'm much more in control of myself, but fear is not a problem, as I had been the scary one. To use an analogy it's like restoring an old car, your not afraid of the car or even driving it. Your afraid of damaging it, all the work and effort you put into it. We survived military deployments, hurricanes, family loss along with all the other normal marital problems. That's a lot of effort. It would be silly to do any damage to that without careful, prayerful consideration.


In an earlier post you did say that you were afraid to confront her on what happened that night. Did I miss a retraction on that? If not, that means that your wife wears the pants in the relationship, regardless of your tattoos or muscles or the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

Pick and chose the advice but, if I were you, I'd work on making sure there is a line of communication open between you and her to talk about ANYTHING. If she throws a tantrum, find other ways, but you have to make her understand that things that need to be talked about, WILL BE TALKED ABOUT. Whether she likes it or not. OR ELSE.

Sorry to say but... sounds like your wife is a passive-aggressive queen unwilling to accept any criticism whatsoever.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BoSlander said:


> but you have to make her understand that things that need to be talked about, WILL BE TALKED ABOUT. Whether she likes it or not. OR ELSE.



Exactly.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BoSlander said:


> In an earlier post you did say that you were afraid to confront her on what happened that night. Did I miss a retraction on that? If not, that means that your wife wears the pants in the relationship, regardless of your tattoos or muscles or the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
> 
> Pick and chose the advice but, if I were you, I'd work on making sure there is a line of communication open between you and her to talk about ANYTHING. If she throws a tantrum, find other ways, but you have to make her understand that things that need to be talked about, WILL BE TALKED ABOUT. Whether she likes it or not. OR ELSE.
> 
> Sorry to say but... sounds like your wife is a passive-aggressive queen unwilling to accept any criticism whatsoever.


Actually what he said is he is more afraid of the damage he could cause by falsely accusing her than her confessing. Which makes complete sense. It would suck to tank a perfectly good marriage over a false accusation based on flimsy circumstantial evidence.



BasicDude said:


> Honestly, I'm more afraid of her getting mad for even asking and the damage that can cause than I am of her confessing.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BoSlander said:


> In an earlier post you did say that you were afraid to confront her on what happened that night. that means that your wife wears the pants in the relationship, regardless of your tattoos or muscles or the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.


Sometimes people with the most tattoos, muscles and black belts are the most fearful of all. 

It’s one thing to be confident of handling yourself in a straight up physical bar fight with a man you don’t know or care about.

It’s a whole other level of fear to upset your sex-giver, mother of your children and life partner and send her packing where you will lose half your property, financial assets and access to your children.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And in regards to being afraid to have serious discussions, if a relationship collapses due to having a serious but uncomfortable discussion - then that relationship isn’t meant to be and if this topic doesn’t bring it down, then another topic soon will. 

This scenario does not warrant any accusations. 

But as I said earlier, sometimes the chronic suspicions and uncertainties of infidelity can be just as cancerous as the infidelity itself. 

This doesn’t warrant accusations but it does warrant discussion and answers.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It would suck to tank a perfectly good marriage over a false accusation based on flimsy circumstantial evidence.


Which is why I suggested he have a sit-down face-to-face conversation about everything. No accusations. Open questions. Listen. Follow-up questions. He can find out what went on after their fight without any confrontation. He has a lot of stuff to unpack and IMO he needs to at least open the suitcase.

BTW, he never did say what the fight was about AFAIK. Maybe it is germane to the issues that followed.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> BTW, he never did say what the fight was about AFAIK. Maybe it is germane to the issues that followed.



I agree.

@BasicDude you’ve been asked several times the nature of the fight that triggered this whole thing. 

It may very well be relevant.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

bygone said:


> Although the car example is not very appropriate, it is self explanatory.
> 
> You don't waste time or money on a car you don't trust, you dispose of it.
> 
> ...


Brother I think if this is really bothering you, then talk about as a husband and wife do! You guys have a long and great history together! 20 years is a major accomplishment to keep the fires of love burning. Folks here do expect the worse, they've lived it themselves! They genuinely have your best interests in mind. Some of the ideas and answers may seem a bit cavalier, or rude and maybe even hurtful or bitter, but they've walked the walk and have seen so many come and go here. So many that thought it was good to go, but really wasn't. There are rare times when all winds up being good, but those are rare and the exception.
Be honest and loving and caring with your wife . Ask the right questions and listen with an open heart. Respond with love. You get more with honey than vinegar. Till it's time for the vinegar.


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Actually what he said is he is more afraid of the damage he could cause by falsely accusing her than her confessing. Which makes complete sense. It would suck to tank a perfectly good marriage over a false accusation based on flimsy circumstantial evidence.


This


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There’s a million guys that come here and may be oil tycoons, lead engineers, military officers, whatever. Yet they are deathly afraid if they confront their wife about their logical fears that they will throw a fit and leave them. If a woman leaves a man after a simple request to talk and discuss one’s reasonable fears, what kind of marriage do they really have?

OP, YOU are the one that said you were AFRAID of confronting your wife. If it’s fear of “ruining a good marriage” then you are sad to say, blowing smoke. In a good marriage, a woman doesn’t leave from an argument on vacation and come in so late her husband has fears of her with another man.
You won’t say what the argument was about that resulted in your wife walking out and apparently going bar hopping ALONE in a situation so strange that YOU think she CHEATED…….. and you can’t even bring yourself to so much as bring it up.

If your marriage is so great as you describe, and your wife so wonderful, why are you scared shirtless to talk to her about something that’s eating at you? Why would your wife go out alone in a strange place and come in so late you think she was with another man after an “argument”???????

You are avoiding answering the obvious questions with anonymous strangers about as badly as you are avoiding a simple discussion with your own wife.

Respectfully, it’s clear that communication is not your strong point.


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I agree.
> 
> @BasicDude you’ve been asked several times the nature of the fight that triggered this whole thing.
> 
> It may very well be relevant.


Apologies. You're right it was brought up a few time's. At the time I preferred alcohol (beer mainly) over the cocktail of meds I was prescribed for a blown disc with nerve impingement. Up until the fight I really only had 3 or 4 beers, very spaced out over the course of many hours. The fight got pretty nasty. Two months later I had surgery to correct it and my alcohol consumption is now way lower than even hers, maybe a beer or two and on Friday or Saturday. I tried to stay somewhat lean and fit. Far from an alcoholic, even then. My point is, the content of the fight seems irrelevant. Just that the fight itself was the reason we went separate directions.


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> There’s a million guys that come here and may be oil tycoons, lead engineers, military officers, whatever. Yet they are deathly afraid if they confront their wife about their logical fears that they will throw a fit and leave them. If a woman leaves a man after a simple request to talk and discuss one’s reasonable fears, what kind of marriage do they really have?
> 
> OP, YOU are the one that said you were AFRAID of confronting your wife. If it’s fear of “ruining a good marriage” then you are sad to say, blowing smoke. In a good marriage, a woman doesn’t leave from an argument on vacation and come in so late her husband has fears of her with another man.
> You won’t say what the argument was about that resulted in your wife walking out and apparently going bar hopping ALONE in a situation so strange that YOU think she CHEATED…….. and you can’t even bring yourself to so much as bring it up.
> ...


Eh, I here you but I think your missing some things others have picked up on. I will agree on communication tho. But if everyone was so good at it, why would they even come to this forum? Just a thought.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> This


Make the conversation more about you than her to start with. - I'm struggling with what happened and all the seemingly correlated things that happened since that day. Please help me understand what happened that night and put my mind at ease if you can, blah blah blah. I think what I'm imagining is _probably _worse than what ever happened, etc etc.

And again, at some point, I think you'll just have to let this go. You'll either believe what she tells you, or you won't. And if you don't, you don't have arrows to use to fight back.

If you're lucky, and for your sake, I hope you are, at the very least, this can hopefully open some serious dialogue about your sex life. Being able to talk about whatever she went through openly and honestly will only make things better for the both of you.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Is there any reason why you won't say what the fight was about? You say "the content of the fight is irrelevant" but yes it was big enough that you both went your separate ways one night while on vacation with each other and enough so that you're here on TAM with a thread that you started titled "suspected one night stand".

So for about the tenth time what was the specifics of the fight?


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

BasicDude said:


> Not sure where to begin. My wife and I have been together for about 20 years. We've been pretty solid despite living through a wide variety of things that would test even the strongest marriage. Our sex life was good, the normal vanilla stuff which she really preferred and I was content with it. As is normal with aging and with kids, our sex had become pretty intermittent; about biweekly to maybe once a week. I would have liked more but she was often not interested and with my advances being often shot down, I then slowed down.
> 
> Then we went on a vacation just the two of us. While on vacation we had a big fight and that night we each went out by ourselves. I ended up getting drunk and I never really found out what she did. We made up the next day and ended the trip on a somewhar positive note but things definitely felt off.
> 
> ...


I assume when you and your wife were on vacation both of you were staying in the same room and sleeping in the same bed.
If you returned back drunk to wherever you were staying, I`d guess you probably went into a deep sleep and have no idea when your wife returned to the room.
Did your wife know anyone at your vacation location?
Have you questioned your wife and asked exactly where she went and what she did on the night in question? If so, did she say how long she was out for, late or all night? Did she give you any convincing details or was she vague?
As regards her sudden sexual energy, women are strange creatures and can act erratic at times. As for her overcompensate remark, it`s all a matter of interpretation. It could mean she was trying to make amends for her lack of sexual interest prior to that.
The key here is, to get your wife to explain exactly what she done that night in a convincing way to put your mind at rest. And if you still have doubts after that, this is something you`ll have to live with and best let go.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> I assume when you and your wife were on vacation both of you were staying in the same room and sleeping in the same bed.
> If you returned back drunk to wherever you were staying, I`d guess you probably went into a deep sleep and have no idea when your wife returned to the room.
> Did your wife know anyone at your vacation location?
> Have you questioned your wife and asked exactly where she went and what she did on the night in question? If so, did she say how long she was out for, late or all night? Did she give you any convincing details or was she vague?
> ...


OP has not asked his wife what she did after thier fight or where she went .

He has not stated what the fight was about , only that it was a brutal one .

He is afraid to ask her questions about possible infidelity because if there was none he doesn't want to cause accusatory DAMAGE . 

They had no sex for approx. 1 month after thier trip , but heavy sex after she got her period . 

He is concerned with her verbiage 
" OVERCOMPENSATING : 

These are his concerns 😟 😨


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> OP has not asked his wife what she did after thier fight or where she went .
> 
> He has not stated what the fight was about , only that it was a brutal one .
> 
> ...


Yes true, but he need not ask his wife any questions directly about possible infidelity, all he has to ask her is, as I said, how long was she out for and where did she go.
I know if this were my wife I would be asking her those questions and if she had nothing to hide than she`d have no reasons to get angry and defensive and simply give a straight answer.
As regards red flags my own quote: the obvious is not always the fact, so there is no point in assuming anything.
If the OP is too afraid to approach his wife about the night in question, then he`ll just go around in a circle and worry about it for the remainder of his lifetime, because we have no ways of knowing, he has to hear it directly from the horses mouth, so to speak. That`s logical to me.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Yes true, but he need not ask his wife any questions directly about possible infidelity, all he has to ask her is, as I said, how long was she out for and where did she go.
> I know if this were my wife I would be asking her those questions and if she had nothing to hide than she`d have no reasons to get angry and defensive and simply give a straight answer.
> As regards red flags my own quote: the obvious is not always the fact, so there is no point in assuming anything.
> If the OP is too afraid to approach his wife about the night in question, then he`ll just go around in a circle and worry about it for the remainder of his lifetime, because we have no ways of knowing, he has to hear it directly from the horses mouth, so to speak. That`s logical to me.


If you read the thread he does have some plan to dance around the questions and try to get answers without creating collateral damage


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Actually what he said is he is more afraid of the damage he could cause by falsely accusing her than her confessing. Which makes complete sense. It would suck to tank a perfectly good marriage over a false accusation based on flimsy circumstantial evidence.


It doesn't have to be an accusation. He can formulate the question in a way that is non threatening or insulting to her.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> But as I said earlier, sometimes the chronic suspicions and uncertainties of infidelity can be just as cancerous as the infidelity itself.


It isn't so much the suspicions or the accusations that get me, to me it's all about the circumstances... I mean, you go on vacation with your SO and you have a fight with her that gets so out of hand that you go your separate ways for the night and you fall flat on your nose drunk and she goes on to do God knows what. 

First of all, why did the fight get so out of hand? Because they can't communicate. And why can't they communicate? Probably because she's turning into an aggressive _Karen_ with an attitude. And why does she feel free to act this way? Probably because he continually fails to check her behavior. 



> And in regards to being afraid to have serious discussions, if a relationship collapses due to having a serious but uncomfortable discussion - then that relationship isn’t meant to be and if this topic doesn’t bring it down, then another topic soon will.


I couldn't agree with you more.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> There’s a million guys that come here and may be oil tycoons, lead engineers, military officers, whatever. Yet they are deathly afraid if they confront their wife about their logical fears that they will throw a fit and leave them. If a woman leaves a man after a simple request to talk and discuss one’s reasonable fears, what kind of marriage do they really have?


Exactly!


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> OP has not asked his wife what she did after thier fight or where she went .
> 
> He has not stated what the fight was about , only that it was a brutal one .
> 
> ...


I think there's a lot that the OP isn't saying that could add some clarity to what happened.

Was the fight about a third person's presence in the same vacation spot? Was there any flirtation with other men in front of you? 

Be honest, OP.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@BasicDude after you were out drunk all night, did she ever ask YOU where you went or what you did that night?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What did you do that night? Fwiw I can’t imagine having a one night stand period and I doubt your wife did unless she so a prolific cheater and you aren’t telling us.


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

Wow, I think only half my posts are being read. Lotta people are quick to jump to crazy conclusions then in the same breath, say there's not enough info. So rereading one of my previous posts, I can see I didn't state it clear enough. The fight was about me drinking as a preferred pain management solution to the narcotics and other drugs I was given. Note from previous post, this throttled way back down after the surgery. She wasn't flirting or anything with anyone else throughout the trip. It all centered around the fight. As someone else mentioned previously, because I was sleeping so hard, I don't know when she left or came back. That fact is probably the most concerning one. When we met up the next day, she asked where I went, I said the little bar beside the hotel. I asked her the same and she said a walk through the hotel and it's bar. But I could feel things were just off. Also as mentioned before I have formulated a way to engage this with her, just want to wait for a stretch when she's off work. She's works night shift. 

As far as effectively communicating, we had a fight. When you have a fight you are not communicating effectively, that's why it's a fight. Maybe my relationship is an anomaly and you guys talking about being a poor communicator never have fights in your marriage?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Never would walk off on my spouse on a trip and be gone all night, no.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> Wow, I think only half my posts are being read. Lotta people are quick to jump to crazy conclusions then in the same breath, say there's not enough info. So rereading one of my previous posts, I can see I didn't state it clear enough. The fight was about me drinking as a preferred pain management solution to the narcotics and other drugs I was given. Note from previous post, this throttled way back down after the surgery. She wasn't flirting or anything with anyone else throughout the trip. It all centered around the fight. As someone else mentioned previously, because I was sleeping so hard, I don't know when she left or came back. That fact is probably the most concerning one. When we met up the next day, she asked where I went, I said the little bar beside the hotel. I asked her the same and she said a walk through the hotel and it's bar. But I could feel things were just off. Also as mentioned before I have formulated a way to engage this with her, just want to wait for a stretch when she's off work. She's works night shift.
> 
> As far as effectively communicating, we had a fight. When you have a fight you are not communicating effectively, that's why it's a fight. Maybe my relationship is an anomaly and you guys talking about being a poor communicator never have fights in your marriage?


You're not wrong, people do jump to conclusions and don't read fully before jumping in.

You could help yourself here with TAM posters by over-communicating, answering every question, or speaking to the various ideas. The more details that come out (such as the drinking-argument) will help bring clarity to your situation and the mindset of your wife.

But in the end, many will disagree with whatever you do. Just take what you need from here and ignore the rest.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@BasicDude : So your wife was upset about you drinking to deal with back pain. Did pain and alcohol interfere with your sexual abilities? I could imagine back problems might kill a mans sexual capabilities. Was she expecting some hot times on the vacation that didn’t happen?

And the time line was you were drunk, had a big fight, you fell asleep, she left, you woke up and left, went to bar, came back fell asleep and then she returned? Who left the room first after the fight? You or her?


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## BasicDude (2 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> @BasicDude : So your wife was upset about you drinking to deal with back pain. Did pain and alcohol interfere with your sexual abilities? I could imagine back problems might kill a mans sexual capabilities. Was she expecting some hot times on the vacation that didn’t happen?
> 
> And the time line was you were drunk, had a big fight, you fell asleep, she left, you woke up and left, went to bar, came back fell asleep and then she returned? Who left the room first after the fight? You or her?


You are correct about the drinking as the cause of the fight. Yes, I definitely think she was looking for some hot times, but there was no reduced libido or function from me. 

As for the time-line, I went out after the fight came back maybe an hour or two later and fell asleep then she went out. I don't know when she came back but I know she did and by the time I woke up she had went out to the beach. Before leaving she did leave me 2 Gatorades and then sent a message to come join her on the beach. 

All this said, I don't know that the vacation was the catalyst of change. I just know there was a drastic change a month later and that's the only major event that comes to mind. It could very well be something else completely, but how different she became and the recent "overcompensate" remark have me concerned. Plus we never really talked much about that night so it's easy for your mind to go through scenarios.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> You are correct about the drinking as the cause of the fight. Yes, I definitely think she was looking for some hot times, but there was no reduced libido or function from me.
> 
> As for the time-line, I went out after the fight came back maybe an hour or two later and fell asleep then she went out. I don't know when she came back but I know she did and by the time I woke up she had went out to the beach. Before leaving she did leave me 2 Gatorades and then sent a message to come join her on the beach.
> 
> All this said, I don't know that the vacation was the catalyst of change. I just know there was a drastic change a month later and that's the only major event that comes to mind. It could very well be something else completely, but how different she became and the recent "overcompensate" remark have me concerned. Plus we never really talked much about that night so it's easy for your mind to go through scenarios.


You can cherry pick useful feedback and take the rest with a grain of salt. There will be many points of view coming from an almost infinite number of past histories that have shape the people here. Even if you don't agree with everything, or maybe nothing, someone has posted it can still be valuable. 

Sounds like you have a plan in your head. I think what everyone agrees on is don't let it fester. Talk with your wife.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

BasicDude said:


> As for the time-line, I went out after the fight came back maybe an hour or two later and fell asleep then she went out. I don't know when she came back but I know she did and by the time I woke up she had went out to the beach. Before leaving she did leave me 2 Gatorades and then sent a message to come join her on the beach.


So your wife could have gone out for 5 minutes to grab a bite to eat or 5 hours to do whatever, you don't know. 

If she went out, came back, slept, got up and got you Gatorades, and then went out to the beach, all before you woke up, I would think she wasn't gone for very long. 

Also, leaving you Gatorade and inviting you to join her on the beach doesn't sound like a woman who just cheated on you the night before. In fact, you two were in a fight and she did this nice gesture for you.

Of course I don't know for sure, but I don't think your wife had a one night stand that night. 

Just my thoughts.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> You are correct about the drinking as the cause of the fight. Yes, I definitely think she was looking for some hot times, but there was no reduced libido or function from me.
> 
> As for the time-line, I went out after the fight came back maybe an hour or two later and fell asleep then she went out. I don't know when she came back but I know she did and by the time I woke up she had went out to the beach. Before leaving she did leave me 2 Gatorades and then sent a message to come join her on the beach.
> 
> All this said, I don't know that the vacation was the catalyst of change. I just know there was a drastic change a month later and that's the only major event that comes to mind. It could very well be something else completely, but how different she became and the recent "overcompensate" remark have me concerned. Plus we never really talked much about that night so it's easy for your mind to go through scenarios.


My friend’s wife has a close female friend, married with a huge libido. She would regale my friends wife about her and husband spending weekends in bed, breaking for food and sleep. When her husband was late 50s he developed degenerative back problems. At 60 he told his wife he couldnt keep up her pace anymore. She told my friends wife she had no intention of slowing down and went out and found two FBs in their early 40s. 

She continued seeing her friends, her husband dying at 72. As far as my friends wife knows she is just as wild as ever at age 70.

A spouses health issues can have major impact on a marriage. Especially if they don’t communicate about what is going on with one another and their marriage each and every day.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I really can’t see a woman cheating in the scenario. You describe. I don’t see anything at all actually. Regardless of the excuse, drinking causes problems. You say you’ve corrected that. Your wife started reading romance novels and was boinking you good.
My suggestion, go to Barnes a noble with two backpacks or a contractor trash bag and buy her a big ass stack of romance novels and light candles by the bed every night and be ready to ravish her with your best effort.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Also, leaving you Gatorade and inviting you to join her on the beach doesn't sound like a woman who just cheated on you the night before. In fact, you two were in a fight and she did this nice gesture for you.


Exactly. From the timeline I read he was sloshed, maybe as usual dealing with back pain, she was p!st, they had a big fight. He leaves, has some MORE booze, comes back and crashes. She leaves for a walk around the hotel to think about things.

OP focused on the fight trying to figure out why her increased libido for awhile and then the overcompensate comment. Who knows what that meant.

They need to connect more closely and converse more productively. Beginning now. She is working nights in a very high risk (to a marriage) profession.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> She is working nights in a very high risk (to a marriage) profession.


Just curious -- what's her profession? I must've missed that post!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Just curious -- what's her profession? I must've missed that post!


Nurse


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Just curious -- what's her profession? I must've missed that post!


Nite nurse!


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Nurse





Rus47 said:


> Nite nurse!


Call me naïve, but I thought that was only a thing in certain kinds of "movies"! LOL. Seriously, I had no idea that it's considered a high risk profession to a marriage. I learned something new today.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Call me naïve, but I thought that was only a thing in certain kinds of "movies"! LOL. Seriously, I had no idea that it's considered a high risk profession to a marriage. I learned something new today.


There are tons of stories on here about cheaters in the medical profession and education. A nurse on night duty spends long hours around young residents and staff of the opposite gender. They share the emotional energy of caring for patients in an isolated work environment, a strong bond doing valued important work. At night a hospital floor can have a lot of long boring hours. Lots of places for a "quickie".


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

so_sweet said:


> Call me naïve, but I thought that was only a thing in certain kinds of "movies"! LOL. Seriously, I had no idea that it's considered a high risk profession to a marriage. I learned something new today.


You've obviously have never seen Nite Nurses In Heat Number 9


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Ok, maybe I'm dense here. OP said he nurses some beers to deal with pain. They get in a fight concerning this, either in the hotel room or the bar? He proceeds to drink enough to pass out. Says she left, but knows she did come back and left drinks for him and a message to meet her at the beach. So if OP was passed out and didn't wake up till late in the morning, then how can he know when she did make it back, her condition, high or inebriated, or just how long since coming back she'd went to the beach, since he was passed out?
Not crying the sky is falling here, but there is a huge gap of time where OP is passed out, wakes up and the W is gone but there are a couple drinks waiting for him and a message to join W at the beach. So I feel this is the big part that could be bothering him about the add on of a month no touch, period happens and the switch comes on for his ultimate dream wife for a few short months, with a reverting back to business as usual with no explanation? Was she even in the room when he passed out? If she was and she decided to leave did he ask where and why she is leaving? After 20 years together I would not just let my wife up and book angry at me without an attempt to try and make it right. Still something missing.
Again this is an extreme way of looking at things. She did do a nice gesture that wives do and get him something helpful to drink when we woke up, as well as ensuring he knew she'd gone to the beach and wanted him to join her.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Nite nurse!


I knew it!! 

I bet you she had this dude go to the same vacation spot they went to. Then created the drama out of nowhere just so that she could go meet the other dude in his hotel room and then come back to her room looking like she had just come back from a night of Bingo at the retirement home.

Sounds so much like what happened to me this summer... I get to the vacation spot knowing my wife is exchanging texts with someone about her going to get "lobster" (sex with AP) and lo and behold, what a mother-sucking coincidence! There is the AP. I was never drunk though...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I will only say that people who have been cheated on tend to see everything through that lens . Probably every behavior could be explained as a sign of cheating. In this case, at least the vacation fight and aftermath doesn’t to me seem consistent with her meeting an AP. She would have needed to plan for her husband to get sloshed.

I know early in my marriage I was a drinker. And the absolute worse thing I could do was come home drunk when she was wanting some loving. She HATED me not being fully there in every sense. I think OPs wife like mine in that regard. She has never been a drinker and despises drunks.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I will only say that people who have been cheated on tend to see everything through that lens . Probably every behavior could be explained as a sign of cheating. In this case, at least the vacation fight and aftermath doesn’t to me seem consistent with her meeting an AP. She would have needed to plan for her husband to get sloshed.


It’s the absence of any other hints that, to me, would’ve provided some clarity as to what could have happened to her. Meaning, had she gone shopping, he would’ve seen whatever she bought lying around. Had she gone karting, he would’ve heard a 10 minute description of every lap. The fact that she kept mute as to her whereabouts speaks volumes. And, please, let’s not EVER underestimate women’s ability to pick fights out of thin air.

Check this.

This one too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s had a vasectomy and she waits until after her period to have sex and then goes wild. This piece of data Is troubling.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> He’s had a vasectomy and she waits until after her period to have sex and then goes wild. This piece of data Is troubling.


While I am not necessarily of the opinion she did cheat, I do not think the month waiting period was to see if she would turn up pregnant or not. 

What is the more common tactic of a WW having unprotected sex with an OM where she may have gotten pregnant is to come home and have lots of sex with the BS around the same time period so that it would be easier to pass off the offspring as his. 

However would be a more likely explanation for the waiting period would be to see if any STI signs or symptoms appear or to wait results of a clandestine STI test. 

But again, I am not really necessarily thinking that she did cheat here.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I will only say that people who have been cheated on tend to see everything through that lens . Probably every behavior could be explained as a sign of cheating. In this case, at least the vacation fight and aftermath doesn’t to me seem consistent with her meeting an AP. She would have needed to plan for her husband to get sloshed.
> 
> I know early in my marriage I was a drinker. And the absolute worse thing I could do was come home drunk when she was wanting some loving. She HATED me not being fully there in every sense. I think OPs wife like mine in that regard. She has never been a drinker and despises drunks.


Yep and especially the booze breath! Kills a woman's mood fast!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TinyTbone said:


> Yep and especially the booze breath! Kills a woman's mood fast!


It kills this man's mood fast too.


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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> So your wife could have gone out for 5 minutes to grab a bite to eat or 5 hours to do whatever, you don't know.
> 
> If she went out, came back, slept, got up and got you Gatorades, and then went out to the beach, all before you woke up, I would think she wasn't gone for very long.
> 
> ...


Agreed ! Feels like OP just get so bored and wants to creates some chaos in his house.


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## asc1226 (Nov 16, 2021)

I’m surprised no one on TAM has brought this up. OP, if you really are worried about a ONS you may want to purchase a couple of voice activated recorders before your sit down. Put one in her car and another one wherever she likes to talk on the phone in the house. 

If she has something to feel guilty about she might get rattled enough to discuss it with a girlfriend or sister.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

BasicDude said:


> Not sure where to begin. My wife and I have been together for about 20 years. We've been pretty solid despite living through a wide variety of things that would test even the strongest marriage. Our sex life was good, the normal vanilla stuff which she really preferred and I was content with it. As is normal with aging and with kids, our sex had become pretty intermittent; about biweekly to maybe once a week. I would have liked more but she was often not interested and with my advances being often shot down, I then slowed down.
> 
> Then we went on a vacation just the two of us. While on vacation we had a big fight and that night we each went out by ourselves. I ended up getting drunk and I never really found out what she did. We made up the next day and ended the trip on a somewhar positive note but things definitely felt off.
> 
> ...


Get out now


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

OP:

You know, we always say, "Trust your gut" around here. 

That aside, outside of your gut instincts, as a neutral outsider, I'm not really seeing any significant evidence of cheating in the story described. Sure, if you have a mindset to look for cheating, you can turn every little action into some subtle evidence of cheating, but from my standpoint I'm not seeing it.

In the end. you're gonna have to decide whether you want to spend your life playing Sherlock Holmes over this. I think if she is a cheater, more evidence with eventually percolate up. Just be aware. Otherwise, I"m not sure there's enough here to obsess over. 

Honestly, my first reaction from your whole story is that she's trying to make an honest effort to connect with you more after your vacation experience.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

re16 said:


> So here is a major bluff idea:
> 
> Tell her you had painful urination and went to the doctor and they said it seems similar to an STD and they are testing you.
> 
> ...


While I do not disagree with this - did he ever answer what he did that night? It just dawned on me - maybe he had a one night stand and this is why he's being paranoid about it. I know that this is how a family member of mine gets. Every time that he cheats - he accuses his spouse. So this is how we know when he's cheating.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Actually what he said is he is more afraid of the damage he could cause by falsely accusing her than her confessing. Which makes complete sense. It would suck to tank a perfectly good marriage over a false accusation based on flimsy circumstantial evidence.


I've been falsely accused twice - its an understandable situation. If she didn't do anything and he is upfront about it and just states that facts - she should be understanding. Maybe tell her to put herself in his shoes - if it were her brother in law coming to her telling her that her sister did this - what would she see it as?


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## Resik2 (Mar 2, 2019)

so_sweet said:


> So your wife could have gone out for 5 minutes to grab a bite to eat or 5 hours to do whatever, you don't know.
> 
> If she went out, came back, slept, got up and got you Gatorades, and then went out to the beach, all before you woke up, I would think she wasn't gone for very long.
> 
> ...


I was thinking the same thing.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe one day you will do something crazy ….. like actually have a discussion with her about it. What an amazing concept.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I know...why not just ask ? 
I think too much time has passed and that's the problem


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> It doesn't have to be an accusation. He can formulate the question in a way that is non threatening or insulting to her.


That`s exactly what I meant and also what I said, if his wife has nothing to hide she`ll tell him without getting angry and defensive.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

As you guys have said just ask, shyly since it was so long ago and she'll probably almost laugh at ya and tell ya what a silly dumb hubby, pat ya on the head and move on.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

BasicDude said:


> For those that think I'm afraid of her; that's not the case. We've had a wonderful marriage, and other than this deep suspicion, still do. I am, however, afraid of the consequences/damage on our relationship if I imply or accuse her and and there is some other reasonable explanation, of which I'm completely blind to. The radical change in behavior and surrounding circumstances are not proof of much, as extremely suspicious as they are for, so is it worth engaging in this conversation.


The damage is already done. This will fester like a cancer in you until it destroys you.

Something happened when you were on vacation and you are to scared to even talk with her about it. You don’t have to accuse her of anything, even still you won’t talk with her.

There is a damn good reason she did things with you she has never done. Because she has done them with others and I don’t think the vacation was the only time it has happened.

Enjoy the growth of the cancer of not knowing.

Set up a counseling session and start by bringing it up and tell how things look to you.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

BasicDude said:


> This lasted about a month and a half, maybe two months. Then it slowed back down. By 4 months out it was back to the way it was. When I said "I guess that phase is over", she said "don't say that, I feel like I'll just overcompensate".
> 
> Now I'm wondering what "overcompensate" means and I'm really wondering if something happened that night, or maybe even another time and she's just not telling me. I really don't even know how to start a conversation about it. We really live each other and I'd like to see things work whatever the case but, am I overthinking this? Or is there something to this? Objective, nonbiased insight is appreciated. Thanks.


By overcompensate, she means that by saying she’s not doing as much any longer you are making her self-conscious about her bedroom activity and she will end up doing too much. 

Are you sure you need to look into this? You might want to just forget about this whole thing. I’m sure this won’t be popular advice but assuming it was (at worst) just a drunken ONS while on vacation after a fight and she regrets it, I would let it go.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you wondered what she did the night you weren’t with her on vacation - why wouldn’t you simply ask her? She is your wife! Ask her!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If your wife doesn’t like you taking pain killers and your drinking behavior - have you completely cut out those things she doesn’t like about your behavior (the drugs/alcohol)?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

CraigBesuden said:


> I would let it go.


Some would, not me and neither some others.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

The OP should forget about asking his wife what happened on the evening in question.
If is wife was up to no good she`ll gaslight him and even if nothing happened the OP will not know if his wife is being truthful or not.
This is because unlike men women are much better at covering up and deception, they can be very convincing and why more men get caught cheating than women.
This is why many husbands who believed they had a happy marriage have been shocked to discover their wives had cheated or are cheating never suspecting anything. I had a coworker who believed he had a happy marriage, his wife acted perfectly normal, good sex life, rarely argued together, then one day he got a tip off from one of his wife`s friends that his wife had been having an affair for 4 years with a guy she met at a supermarket. He was devastated.
I discovered something suspect about my wife`s past (I created a thread on that) but I have no proof and when I`ve asked my wife she becomes angry and defensive so I had to let it go.
Many wives don`t divulge or are vague about their pasts with their husbands, especially if they had been promiscuous or in relationships they`d rather their husbands didn`t know about.
Unless the OP is lucky enough to get a tip off or find a witness who saw his wife that night, than he`ll never know and best to let it go otherwise he will drive himself crazy like picking the flower petals, she loves me, she loves me not.
No point in filing for divorce on a if, but or maybe, which is the stage the OP is at the moment and doubt that will change.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

gameopoly5 said:


> The OP should forget about asking his wife what happened on the evening in question.
> If is wife was up to no good she`ll gaslight him and even if nothing happened the OP will not know if his wife is being truthful or not.
> This is because unlike men women are much better at covering up and deception, they can be very convincing and why more men get caught cheating than women.
> This is why many husbands who believed they had a happy marriage have been shocked to discover their wives had cheated or are cheating never suspecting anything. I had a coworker who believed he had a happy marriage, his wife acted perfectly normal, good sex life, rarely argued together, then one day he got a tip off from one of his wife`s friends that his wife had been having an affair for 4 years with a guy she met at a supermarket. He was devastated.
> ...


So you are telling OP to tuck tail and know his place.


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