# Am I wasting my time?



## bellajane1231 (Mar 23, 2014)

Okay so I'm pretty new to this asking strangers for help thing, so I'm just going to explain my situation as best as possible.

I have been married for 6 years. I got married when I was 20 years old, my husband was 24. We had been together prior to marriage for 6 years. In total we have now been together for about 12 years. We have two children together and one on the way. Needless to say we were really young when we started dating, and to be honest we both had done some pretty childish and stupid stuff in our relationship past. We both also come from really dysfunctional families, him from 2 alcoholic parents who didn't care if he was there or not and me from a abusive alcoholic mother. Which has not helped our relationship in any means. 

So lets move on to why I am here, Im not happy. I'm 7 months pregnant and have two children with a man I feel like I've lost touch with. 

Backing up to right before we had our first child, my husband had this ongoing werid relationship with my best friend at the time. By weird relationship I mean fooling around behind my back, but not to the point of them having sex and I made this kind of behavior okay by not inflicting any boundaries or breaking it off when i found out about it (he told me at our 5 year anniversary dinner all about it) Then came baby one. Everything was good and then came baby two. After baby two he started these werid relationships with women again. But heres the difference he asked me permission to be with and do these things and I completely agreed to this torment. Now I know this all sounds so messed up and I also know I created that situation by making it okay.

Anyway here comes baby three, we moved to a completely different state ( in my mind it was in hope to get him away from everyone and everything in our prior state) Since moving there has been alot of hostility,arguments and distance. He has become very distant from me and I know I haven't mentioned yet that through these 12 years we have NEVER be able to communicate correctly with each other ie-without calling names or being just pure mean to each other.

We are both working, and making it as best we can with almost three kids. 

We have sat and talked about boundaries and all of the nonsense ending, these conversations always end with me feeling guilty. He also turns the situation around into him being the victim or me not understanding him or loving him for who he is.

lately we are arguing about everything and it always ends the same, me withdrawing and him being righteous and right. And his drinking becoming more and more heavy.

I just want Peace. I want to be happy, I want my children to be happy and furthermore I want my husband and I to be fixed...or is it too late? 

Thanks for taking the time to read.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Marriage counseling asap. 

If both parties value their family and want to keep it intact it is not too late. 

Especially when we come from dysfunctional families we need help to know what normal boundaries and acceptable behaviours are. 

You kids look to you as role models. I hope you are careful not to fight and argue, or put each other down in front of them. It's very damaging and stressful for kids to be a witness to toxic behaviour.


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## TwinsDad (Jul 6, 2010)

BellaJane - sounds like you both may benefit from Al-Anon? Many of the same behaviors you both learned in youth from your parents may be persisting in your marriage. It will also help with your ongoing relationships with your other family members. You don't want your kids growing up thinking this is OK, right?

Otherwise, I can only second indiecat. Keep your kids away from your conflict and make sure they know from you both that they are not at fault for any conflict they witness.

If you are both committed to continuing the marriage, then marriage counseling may help. Be careful though. I went through 3 marriage counselors and all wanted to focus on what I did to "cause" my wife to have multiple affairs. Five months into my separation now. Needless to say this kind of counseling isn't helpful!

Best of luck!


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