# Husband's emotional affair w/employee



## ineverthought (Jan 13, 2013)

My husband recently had an emotional affair with his employee. I found out about and he has told me everthing (I think). He say's its over but they work together VERY closely. He is her boss. From all i have learned it sounds like they were deeply/intensely emotionally involved and 2 months ago (to the day) they told each other they were in love with each other. 

He equated what he felt to for her to what he felt for me when we got married. His exact words to her when she asked him how he felt were, "let me put it this way, the last time i felt this way abt someone I was 17 years old. And i ended up marrying that person". He and i started dating when were 17. We got married after college. We were both 23. We are now both 39 and have 2 daughters. (his AP is 24, btw). 

They were never physical but teetered on the line 2 months ago. They got as far as agreeing to go back to his hotel room after gng to a concert where they held hands, rubbed legs etc. in the hotel room he decided he cldnt go thru with it. Not bc of me but bc it went against his morals as a married man. (he told me that i was never a consideration, just his morals-he cldnt really explain why). She cried so he sat on the bed and she laid on his chest (clothed). They were both vert sad. Before they left the hotel they had a very intense "embrace" where they stood foreheads touching, eyes
closed, just both silently acknowledging their sadness of the realization this could never be. They then went out and met up with friends (it was abt 1am at this point). 

I asked him why after all that did they go back out together. He said he wanted to stay in the moment bc he knew once that night wa over he could never go back. He wants to stay in our marriage, he says he 100% commited to us. He also said that relationship is over and he has shut his feelings down. He said a relationship with her just cant happen (for many reasons) so theres no point in hanging onto and trying to analyze the feelings. Its done. 

I have a really hard time believing that is even possible. Emotionally speaking i believe we arent wired that way. He says otherwise. My BIG problem is that still work very closely together in a very emotionally charged profession. He is her boss. The whole "team" at work is him (as the boss), her and one other young woman. The 3 of them sit in a tiny little office together. The company as a whole is small and they identify themselves as a "family". I know he has put up boundaries as much as he can given the environment. I also know she was very much in love with him and wanted a future with him. 

Since then she has respected the boundaries and they just continue to work very hard TOGETHER on projects. In the last 2 months there have been 3 occasions he took the 2 of them for drinks to celebrate smthg at work. He always asked me first. I do trust him and I do believe he wants to be in our marriage etc. i just think he might be in some real denial regarding the feelings that grew between them. 

Something to note...i found out after noticing he deleted all of his text messages. It took him a few days but he told me everything. If i hadnt found out his plan was to pull back on the relationship with her and they wld just continue on as great friends who work together while he wld reinvest that emotional energy back into us. Anyone have advice??


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Sounds like a lot to confess just based on you noticing some text messages were deleted.

All you have is his word on any of it.

Even if his story is absolutely true and everything is "over" between the two of them, isn't it going to drive you crazy knowing he is sitting in an office with her every day?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He or she needs to look at changing jobs.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

There need to be a change of jobs. But I also have a few questions. 1) What were they doing going to a concert together ? 2) Why are they going to out to drinks still ?


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

ineverthought said:


> he has told me everthing (I think).


I seriously doubt this...




ineverthought said:


> They were never physical.


And this...





ineverthought said:


> I know he has put up boundaries.


And this...



ineverthought said:


> Since then she has respected the boundaries and they just continue to work very hard TOGETHER on projects.


And this...




ineverthought said:


> they wld just continue on as great friends who work together


And this.

It's time to put on your detective hat. Put a VAR in his car, figure out a way to get his texts, and show up at the office unannounced.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ineverthought said:


> My husband recently had an emotional affair with his employee. I found out about and he has told me everthing (I think). He say's its over but they work together VERY closely. He is her boss. *From all i have learned it sounds like they were deeply/intensely emotionally involved and 2 months ago (to the day) they told each other they were in love with each other*. So my question would be how long was thing going on before you found out? I mean it got the point of professing their love to each other(which can happen VERY quickly in an EA btw. Rainbows and Unicorns ya know) So its important for you to get ALL the details. I suspect there is alot you dont know.
> 
> He equated what he felt to for her to what he felt for me when we got married. His exact words to her when she asked him how he felt were, "let me put it this way, the last time i felt this way abt someone I was 17 years old. And i ended up marrying that person". He and i started dating when were 17. We got married after college. We were both 23. We are now both 39 and have 2 daughters. (his AP is 24, btw). He is 39 and she is 24?!?!?!? He is practically old enough to be her father had he started young. She knows NOTHING about life yet. She is barely out of adolecence. What the hell is HE thinking??? She is a child by comparison. He is NOT in love- he is in LUST. She is likely very smitten with this older/wiser guy paying attention to her. Thats a really dangerous combo. She is so young that she'll have NO concern for destroying his family since she doesnt have one of her own. Is she attached?- BF or Husband? You need to find out all you can about her ASAP.
> 
> ...


THIS whole thing is a mess. Start to finish. Do yourself a favor and verify the things he's telling you. I'll bet w/i a week you'll find the things he's saying are less than true. It doesnt pass the smell test at all. It follows the cheaters handbook to the letter. "we went to the hotel but nothing happened". "We are now going to be 'just friends'" and so on. It all gaslighting the hell out of you. If you dont plug in ASAP this will be a PA if it isnt already- which IMO it is.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Any thoughts Ineverthought?


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Hopefully she is not her posting because her H is telling her the real truth about his PA. 

Talk about gaslighting!!


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

You need to understand that as long as they work together they are still in the affair. If this continues, your marriage is doomed. 

The most important boundary is the no contact. Without this the others are meaningless. 

By the way, do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth that you cannot verify for yourself. If you can't verify then assume the worst. He's earned it.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

WH and OW can not work together. He has to fire her or he has to quit. No way around those two choices.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Maybe she was hoping that everyone would say something different...that yes he can still work with this person and they can still have a great marriage..no I don't think so.

Sometimes when I see new posters on here and it is like they are trying so hard to believe whatever is told to them by their WS...it makes me sad. I was like that too...believed H when he told me back numerous times that he was not in contact, believed him when he said he told his EA that it was a mistake and he would not be contacting her anymore, believed myself when I told myself one day after DD#1 that yes I trust him now because he is telling me all the right things, etc. etc.

I think right off the bat you have to be vigilant and keep checking,checking, checking....


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

...and I forgot to add that I still checked everything and that is how I discovered, sadly, that I was wrong in believing anything he said.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> Maybe she was hoping that everyone would say something different...that yes he can still work with this person and they can still have a great marriage..no I don't think so.
> 
> Sometimes when I see new posters on here and it is like they are trying so hard to believe whatever is told to them by their WS...it makes me sad. I was like that too...believed H when he told me back numerous times that he was not in contact, believed him when he said he told his EA that it was a mistake and he would not be contacting her anymore, believed myself when I told myself one day after DD#1 that yes I trust him now because he is telling me all the right things, etc. etc.
> 
> I think right off the bat you have to be vigilant and keep checking,checking, checking....


I think youre right- accepting the truth is/was for me the hardest part. I had to let my head win out over my heart. My head was screaming "something is very wrong" yet my heart was saying "He wouldnt..." My head was unfortunately- very very right. So, I had to let go of the 'fantasy' of him. I had to begin looking at the H I had in front of me and not the one I thought I had. Its an extremely painful realization. Yet, one that denial does nothing to resolve.

In your head Ineverthought, you know. Quiet your heart for a moment. What does your head tell you?


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## ineverthought (Jan 13, 2013)

Truer words never spoken. 

Canttrust u-once you made a decision to R how do you get past the constant flashbacks and the continuous movie loop playing in ur head so you can focus on R?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ineverthought said:


> Truer words never spoken.
> 
> Canttrust u-once you made a decision to R how do you get past the constant flashbacks and the continuous movie loop playing in ur head so you can focus on R?


Well I couldnt even come close to doing that while he still had ANY contact with her and while he still wasnt giving me the WHOLE truth. Until those two things happen- you cant move forward. Its impossible IMO to Stop flashbacks when new stories are being created every single day. Make NO mistake- If they are in close contact as you say- they are still having an affair. Im sorry but thats reality. There is NO R while the A is continuing. It just isnt possible while he's still got his mind on her.

Have you done any of the things suggested here?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

ineverthought said:


> They were never physical but teetered on the line 2 months ago. They got as far as agreeing to go back to his hotel room after gng to a concert where they held hands, rubbed legs etc. in the hotel room he decided he cldnt go thru with it. Not bc of me but bc it went against his morals as a married man. (he told me that i was never a consideration, just his morals-he cldnt really explain why). She cried so he sat on the bed and she laid on his chest (clothed). They were both vert sad. Before they left the hotel they had a very intense "embrace" where they stood foreheads touching, eyes
> closed, just both silently acknowledging their sadness of the realization this could never be. They then went out and met up with friends (it was abt 1am at this point).
> 
> I asked him why after all that did they go back out together. He said he wanted to stay in the moment bc he knew once that night wa over he could never go back.


I don't want to sound insensitive, but cue the violins here.

Do you really believe this Nicholas Sparks stuff?

And he didn't go through with it because of his 'morals'? Not because he loves you?

And he works really closely with her daily.

Why do you want to reconcile with a man who is with you only because of his sense of morality?

Why do you want to worry every day that he's in an affair with his co-worker?

If you insist on staying with him, she has to go from the workplace.

I know you're hurt and feeling despondent, but you need to screw up your courage and start fighting for yourself. He is selling you a real load of bs here.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I don't want to sound insensitive, but cue the violins here.
> 
> Do you really believe this Nicholas Sparks stuff?
> 
> ...


Yes his 'morality' didnt preclude him from allowing her to lay on his chest. The chest he promised to YOU. His morality didnt preclude him from telling her he loved her. The love he promised to YOU. His morality didnt preclude him from lying to you until you discovered it. So why then, do you assert that he has a sudden wave of morality when it comes to closing the 'deal'? I know this hurts.God knows I know. But INT, you have to get real with yourself here. Go look in the mirror and ask yourself if this is who YOU are? Are YOU his doormat?


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## ineverthought (Jan 13, 2013)

Thank you both. I appreciate your brutal honesty. It helps. 

I question everyday if Ive truly become a doormat and if so why. 

Ive been with him for 22 years. Over half of my life. And we have 2 young daughters. Being together so long and knowing him as deeply as I do makes the reality of walking away terrifying. And bc of our girls I am still fighting to reach him. 

He is in a serious fog. Absolutely not an excuse, but it is a reality. He had a moment of clarity Monday morning and admitted as such. This fog is not just about her but about his job as well. It's an intense all-consuming job. and its also very gratifying. He works to create opportunities for homeless teens who have had no breaks in their lives. He's been at his current job for 18 months (hes done this type of work for 17 years). He's always been good at it but this job hes had huge successes and is very well liked. ( he once described it as being worshipped there-insert eye roll). All this success is intoxicating to him. It's a drug. Esp compared to his life with me. I have focused so much on my kids. My emotional energy has transferred to them almost completely over the past 8 years. I own my part in this. But nothing excuses an affair. 

I mention the above not as excuses but an explanation of a bigger picture. In that moment of clarity ( that quickly faded) he said he realized that i was right and it is intoxicating. Its a drug. So while he's not actively pursuing this EA anymore he's still fully engaged in this intoxicating environment, which she is a big part of.

So he admits the whole situation is like a drug but he's going to his " dealers" house 5 days a week. 

We had another "come to jesus" conversation last night and he acknowledged this fog once again. He said he " sees it all ( my pain etc) yet feels little". He was upset abt it and finally agreed that he needs IC. When he was leaving this morning he was clearly upset and said he needs a cpl weeks to try and sort out whats gng on with him. I think he means he needs me stop constantly pushing him to see this thru my eyes and give him a chance to figure that out. If im gng to hang in there while he's doing this I do agree that me constantly pushing him is useless and probably harmful. He was finally looking remorseful and asked me not to quit on him yet. 

I am very angry this is how he got to this place of awareness in his life. I want him to work thru it so he can get out of this fog. I cant quit on my family yet. But If we didnt have kids I wld have left a month ago. 

I just dont know what this is suppsed to look like. I want him to figure his s$(t out and get his head out of the fog. But how do I keep going each day? I know hes in a fog, he now sees this, but that doesnt mean hes out of the fog. But at least hes finally trying to figure it out. Do I just detach and go thru the motions for my kids until IC starts to make a difference? Is that realistic? Maybe there are no answers. I just cant be in constant pain anymore, yet Im not ready to walk away. 

Any thoughts appreciated...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ineverthought said:


> Thank you both. I appreciate your brutal honesty. It helps.
> 
> I question everyday if Ive truly become a doormat and if so why.
> 
> ...


??????????????????????????? I have NEVER read something more confusing on TAM.

He says "I know Im high on drugs but give me a couple more weeks of the drug and if it doesnt kill us- then I'll get back to you." UFB! The "job" isnt the pusher, the OW is the pusher. Tell me- how "intoxicated" with the job was he before she came on scene?

My H used the "job" as an excuse also. The truth was "OW" was the "job". She was there, 10ft from hm, 10hrs a day 5 days a week just pumping that sh*t into his veins like the best pusher you'd ever met and he couldnt wait to get there and roll up his sleeves!!

Look, I've been with my H for 17 yrs so I get it. I have a daughter with him. I get it. It took me a bit to come around to 'believing' it myself. But at some point(and I believe you are there) you must take the blinders off. 

Just to be clear, this is whats "going on with him":

*"They were never physical but teetered on the line 2 months ago. They got as far as agreeing to go back to his hotel room after gng to a concert where they held hands, rubbed legs etc. in the hotel room he decided he cldnt go thru with it. Not bc of me but bc it went against his morals as a married man. (he told me that i was never a consideration, just his morals-he cldnt really explain why). She cried so he sat on the bed and she laid on his chest (clothed). They were both vert sad. Before they left the hotel they had a very intense "embrace" where they stood foreheads touching, eyes
closed, just both silently acknowledging their sadness of the realization this could never be. They then went out and met up with friends (it was abt 1am at this point)." * 

FWIW- Had morality truly kicked in, he'd have RAN home to Mama(you) not continued with her further exposing himself to the temptation he'd barely escaped already.....


So if you give him the two weeks what can you do to find out whats going on during those two weeks at his "job"?

Sometimes INT, you have to ready to lose it all in order to save it. Right now he has no respect for you. Its unfortunate. And typical. But you must require respect or he will never give it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> They were never physical but teetered on the line 2 months ago. They got as far as agreeing to go back to his hotel room after gng to a concert where they held hands, rubbed legs etc. in the hotel room he decided he cldnt go thru with it. Not bc of me but bc it went against his morals as a married man. (he told me that i was never a consideration, just his morals-he cldnt really explain why).


Deal breaker for me. Sorry. When I found out about my wife's EA and it was explained, she had thoughts about me during the texting. They weren't necessarily correct thoughts and it did upset me further, but I was in her mind. 

Your WS stopped because he wanted to and it had nothing to do with you? Nope, I do not believe this at all.

That's one selfish you know what. Also, I find it extremely belittling and arrogant, no not honest, that he told you that you didn't rate in his decision. IMO he is trying to put himslef in a positive light.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Let me chime in from the cheaters side. Your H gave you the crux of the problem when he said, "the whole situation is like a drug but he's going to his " dealers" house 5 days a week." You don't let a recovering alcoholic work in a liquor store now do you? You don't let a recovering cheater have proximity to their AP. 

No contact is just that N O C O N T A C T. There is no ambiguity in it. He can't have no contact if he's working with her/next to her all day every day. It just can't happen. And he cannot get out of the fog, he cannot return to you and the marriage until No Contact is well established. To put it another way, true no contact is more than treating the OW as if she were dead - it's treating her as if she never existed. He has to erase her from his life, as best he can. Both of you can rationalize and justify deviations from this all you want but this is black and white - and I typically don't believe in black and white situations. No Contact = possible true Reconciliation, False No Contact = False Reconciliation. Period. 

As for the two weeks to sort it out. Ok. I can actually see that but here's the thing. There have to be consequences. You don't get to indulge your ego or conscious at your wife's expense for free do you? If you see validity to his need to do this tell him ok, but to get out until he sorts it out and if he so much as looks in the direction of the OW while he's "sorting it out" to not bother coming back. He's a cake eater, all cheaters are to some degree but he's a big one. If you don't enforce some consequences he's going to string you along like this until you're so exhausted you fold and call the marriage off yourself. The more directly and firmly you deal with this the quicker your torment will be over. I can't promise the outcome, but the duration will be shorter either way. 

Oh last thing. You know cheaters lie right? I have no idea if he slept with her or not but based on your description in your first post of their encounter in his hotel room the smart money is on that they did. If they were "in love" and in his hotel room holding each other, if it didn't go PA he has the strength of Jobe. Sorry but I have to call the odds on that one.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Ineverthought, first I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I have to say that it really pisses me off when people have the attitude that your husband is displaying. I realize that helping others is a good and noble thing, but where is the concern FIRST for his own wife and children ??

Why is it OK to want to help "strangers" so much more than your own family ? So he's OK with gaining adulation and hero worship from others while you his loving wife and his children languish in emotional turmoil ? That is not right ! He needs to take care of his home life FIRST, then in gaining strength from that, take care of others through his work. Except nothing less. Your family deserves it !


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know how frightening it must be to think of a future that is different from what you've known for so long. You must know, though, that that is exactly what your H has been doing. He's already declared love for someone else, not giving much thought to you at all. That certainly implies a different future for him.

You are an individual, vibrant, loyal person. You were not put on this earth to be indistinguishable from your H and children. You have your own life. You are yourself. Your family is LUCKY to have someone like you to love them and take care of them.

If your H thinks it's OK to give his heart and body to another woman, you will survive. You absolutely will survive. You need to hear that and believe it in order to have the strength that it will take if you are to save your marriage.

You need to gather your pride and self-confidence and demand what you absolutely deserve, which is respect for you, for your feelings, for all the years that you have been there for him.

If the OW does not disappear from the workplace, there is NO chance. He will just sink deeper in and you will be slowly tortured until divorce is the only option.

You need to demand that she be let go. If he can't do that, he should leave.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So- ask him to take a lie detector about rather or not they had sex that day or any day before or after.....


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