# Hurt so bad



## Aero (May 10, 2010)

Hi everyone!

My husband had his second affair with a woman 10 years younger than me and 18 years younger than him. At first he said he want a divorce but he didn't took any action. He work over sea's and we see him every 3 months. If it was possible me and he kids went to visit him over school holidays. Any way he came for a visit and said he is going to visit his brother but he is going on his own. He came back from his holiday that was suppose to be one week and end up 2 weeks. He went back to work and I found a picture of him and the girl in the car. And so the whole thing started. She lives in another country and he paid for her to came to our country and from there he took her with him to were he works. She stayed with him for six weeks.It even went so far that he ask her to marry him and to get pregnant with his child and still there was no action for divorce.The girl emailed me and told me everything and wanted to send the ring to me so that I can give it to him when he came home. He ended the relationship and said that he wants to come back it was in October. So December he came home took me and the children on a holiday and we thought every is going to be okay. But then I was trying to get the girlfriend back and invited her and her parents to the same place he took me and the children for holiday. They didn't come because I told her we are still married and she told me he told her we are divorced for over a year. But he kept on pushing me to go and file for divorce, witch I didn't. He went back to the country where he works and me and the kids thought every is fine. Two weeks later he wants to divorce again. So again the woman contact me and told me that my husband sent her flowers and gifts and he doesn't want to leave her alone and she doesn't want anything to do with him. Eventually he was here about a month ago and went to file for divorce. The same evening that he went to file for divorce I caught him on the internet busy chatting to her and tells her o the divorce. As far as I know they are not back together. But we are still getting a divorce not because I want to but because he wants to. He didn't want me to get my own lawyer but I did and he his very angry about it. For a week now he sends me sms's asking what we are doing but in the evenings he will send me sms's or phone me and tell me that it is my fault and everything that is wrong with me. And he even tells me that he doesn't know how he will financially care for a woman if he want's to get married again. Before that he didn't contacted me only if he wanted me to do stuff for him. He has become a person that I don't know and he is telling me he wants to kill himself. I realy don't know what to do. He still wants the divorce which I told him I will give to him because he wants to go and find his happiness because he is not happy with his career with our marriage and he doesn't know who he is anymore. He wants to go and found himself. Our daughter doesn't want to speak to him and now he told me that I am the reason for it. I don't know what is going on with him. I don't want to divorce him. We are together for 23years and married for 22 years. I love him and don't want to lose him but I guess I already have. He is already telling people that he is homeless and single and it is on a forum where a lot of people who knows me can see it. I really want to know what you are thinking about all of this.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I'm very sorry that you and your family are going through this. It sounds very painful.

I know that you love him - but try to take a step back and look at it rationally (with your head rather than your heart). Imagine you are a stranger who is listening to your story. Would you advise this woman to take her husband back? He cheated on her, even went so far as to propose marriage and a child with the other woman...

Don't you deserve better?

What example do you want to set for your children?

These are things to think about. Love has conditions. If my husband did those things, I would not take him back.

If you truly fear he will take his life, talk to the authorities (police).


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Aero said:


> But we are still getting a divorce *not because I want to* but because he wants to...
> 
> ...in the evenings he will send me sms's or phone me and tell me that *it is my fault* and everything that is wrong with me.


Ok Aero, time to grow a backbone .

Your husband is being a first-class jerk and a real emotional manipulator. Not to mention a liar and a serial cheater.

Your own daughter is standing in YOUR corner, supporting you despite the lies he has told her. What kind of man lies to his CHILD, never mind his wife?

Give him the divorce he THINKS he wants. Reality will slap him in the face once you hire a bulldog attorney and take him to the cleaners. I get the impression you are not in the U.S. Am I correct? You have been married a long time, raised his children, and should be entitled to a LOT of spousal support.

I am truly sorry for what you are going through.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Aero said:


> Hi everyone!
> 
> My husband had his second affair with a woman 10 years younger than me and 18 years younger than him. At first he said he want a divorce but he didn't took any action. He work over sea's and we see him every 3 months. If it was possible me and he kids went to visit him over school holidays. Any way he came for a visit and said he is going to visit his brother but he is going on his own. He came back from his holiday that was suppose to be one week and end up 2 weeks. He went back to work and I found a picture of him and the girl in the car. And so the whole thing started. She lives in another country and he paid for her to came to our country and from there he took her with him to were he works. She stayed with him for six weeks.It even went so far that he ask her to marry him and to get pregnant with his child and still there was no action for divorce.The girl emailed me and told me everything and wanted to send the ring to me so that I can give it to him when he came home. He ended the relationship and said that he wants to come back it was in October. So December he came home took me and the children on a holiday and we thought every is going to be okay. But then I was trying to get the girlfriend back and invited her and her parents to the same place he took me and the children for holiday. They didn't come because I told her we are still married and she told me he told her we are divorced for over a year. But he kept on pushing me to go and file for divorce, witch I didn't. He went back to the country where he works and me and the kids thought every is fine. Two weeks later he wants to divorce again. So again the woman contact me and told me that my husband sent her flowers and gifts and he doesn't want to leave her alone and she doesn't want anything to do with him. Eventually he was here about a month ago and went to file for divorce. The same evening that he went to file for divorce I caught him on the internet busy chatting to her and tells her o the divorce. As far as I know they are not back together. But we are still getting a divorce not because I want to but because he wants to. He didn't want me to get my own lawyer but I did and he his very angry about it. For a week now he sends me sms's asking what we are doing but in the evenings he will send me sms's or phone me and tell me that it is my fault and everything that is wrong with me. And he even tells me that he doesn't know how he will financially care for a woman if he want's to get married again. Before that he didn't contacted me only if he wanted me to do stuff for him. He has become a person that I don't know and he is telling me he wants to kill himself. I realy don't know what to do. He still wants the divorce which I told him I will give to him because he wants to go and find his happiness because he is not happy with his career with our marriage and he doesn't know who he is anymore. He wants to go and found himself. Our daughter doesn't want to speak to him and now he told me that I am the reason for it. I don't know what is going on with him. I don't want to divorce him. We are together for 23years and married for 22 years. I love him and don't want to lose him but I guess I already have. He is already telling people that he is homeless and single and it is on a forum where a lot of people who knows me can see it. I really want to know what you are thinking about all of this.


I am sorry to hear of your painful experience but to be honest you are much better off without this deadbeat man. He has had two affairs, not one. He is using and abusing you and the OW by first wanting a divorce, not wanting a divorce and blaming you for everything. 
Your daughters seem to have more self respect than you do. Your self esteem appears to be very low to believe that any spouse should put up with a fraction of what you are putting up with. You need to be wise and consider what your options are if you divorce him. Are you financially dependent on him, is there any property in your name, etc? You need to get your ducks in a row, and give him the papers, you have got your own lawyer which is a good move (he is angry because he cannot call the shots). 
Why would you invite his girlfriend on your holiday, sounds as if you are giving him a licence to do what he is doing?

Get rid of him and do not listen to his sob stories, he created his own mess, let him deal with it. You take care of yourself and your girls. Do the 180 on him and let your lawyer deal with him. Do not give him any room to manipulate or browbeat you into what he wants. Why do you not want a divorce considering the way he is treating you and the family?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

One more thing, it sounds like the OW is a bit of an opportunist to me. maybe she thinks he has money esp if he is working as an expat (I assume?). If you do get the opportunity to speak to her, tell her you are taking him to the cleaners and there will be no money, see how that bursts his bubble. As someone else said, stand up for yourself, this man maybe the man you have loved but he has treated you with no respect nor love. Show him you will not tolerate any of this.


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## Aero (May 10, 2010)

aine said:


> I am sorry to hear of your painful experience but to be honest you are much better off without this deadbeat man. He has had two affairs, not one. He is using and abusing you and the OW by first wanting a divorce, not wanting a divorce and blaming you for everything.
> Your daughters seem to have more self respect than you do. Your self esteem appears to be very low to believe that any spouse should put up with a fraction of what you are putting up with. You need to be wise and consider what your options are if you divorce him. Are you financially dependent on him, is there any property in your name, etc? You need to get your ducks in a row, and give him the papers, you have got your own lawyer which is a good move (he is angry because he cannot call the shots).
> Why would you invite his girlfriend on your holiday, sounds as if you are giving him a licence to do what he is doing?
> 
> Get rid of him and do not listen to his sob stories, he created his own mess, let him deal with it. You take care of yourself and your girls. Do the 180 on him and let your lawyer deal with him. Do not give him any room to manipulate or browbeat you into what he wants. Why do you not want a divorce considering the way he is treating you and the family?


My mistake it was 'he' who invited her and her parents on holiday and not me.


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## Aero (May 10, 2010)

Aero said:


> My mistake it was 'he' who invited her and her parents on holiday and not me.


Yes my self esteem is no longer with me.


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## Aero (May 10, 2010)

happy as a clam said:


> Ok Aero, time to grow a backbone .
> 
> Your husband is being a first-class jerk and a real emotional manipulator. Not to mention a liar and a serial cheater.
> 
> ...


I am not in the U.S. He is telling me with all the things I am asking and the money he will give me 'how do I think he will be able to take care of his wife when he gets married again?' so I told him that it is not my problem and that he is the one that brought all this stuff on himself. Thank you for your reply.


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## Aero (May 10, 2010)

aine said:


> I am sorry to hear of your painful experience but to be honest you are much better off without this deadbeat man. He has had two affairs, not one. He is using and abusing you and the OW by first wanting a divorce, not wanting a divorce and blaming you for everything.
> Your daughters seem to have more self respect than you do. Your self esteem appears to be very low to believe that any spouse should put up with a fraction of what you are putting up with. You need to be wise and consider what your options are if you divorce him. Are you financially dependent on him, is there any property in your name, etc? You need to get your ducks in a row, and give him the papers, you have got your own lawyer which is a good move (he is angry because he cannot call the shots).
> Why would you invite his girlfriend on your holiday, sounds as if you are giving him a licence to do what he is doing?
> 
> Get rid of him and do not listen to his sob stories, he created his own mess, let him deal with it. You take care of yourself and your girls. Do the 180 on him and let your lawyer deal with him. Do not give him any room to manipulate or browbeat you into what he wants. Why do you not want a divorce considering the way he is treating you and the family?


Yes I am financially dependent on him because he didn't want me to work. I didn't invite her with us on holiday it was he who invited them. Sorry my mistake there.


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## Aero (May 10, 2010)

Sorry for my English is not very good. He is now telling me that he is very very in love with her and he could see a future with her because she is young and have a career. But he is busy planning a trip to her country so that he can see her face to face and look her in the eyes and tell her that he is sorry for what he did to her. He had already sent her emails, texting her and Skype her and even sent her flowers and stuff to apologise to her. He told me that we should go on with the divorce and after his visit to her he will come to me and we must start over again and if things work out we will just go to a lawyer and get married again. So why does he wants to see her face to face? To try and get her back and show her that we are getting a divorce and if she doesn't want him back then I will be his plan B.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

One of the biggest mistakes people in your position make is not playing hardball. You don't want to file because you don't want a divorce, but that allows him to dither and explore his options as he knows he can go back to you if nothing better works out. All it does is make you look pathetic and desprate and not something to be valued. 

Your best chance to salvage things is to file now and ask for everything you can get. How he's going to support a sk!nk is not your concern.

Let him see the full consequences of his actions and he might be back, then you can lay down your ground rules. If you're going to lay down and take what he dishes out you might as well just give him everything now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Also, tell his family and everyone you know that he's ditching his family for a cheap wh0re. By the way, once you clean him out she'll dump him anyway. What good is a pathetic, broke guy 20 years older than her? She can do much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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