# please help



## believergirl

Hi, I'm new here and please I need advice. I have been with my husband 6 years, we have 2 kids together. In our marriage we had ups and downs. He was a great man, he did everything to make me happy but it was me the one who failed to make this marriage work. Because of my insecurity I was always controlling him and behaving in the most selfish way. Well, last year he was fed up, he left me, he completely change and since then he is not longer the man I used to know. He left the house, he came back but like I said he is a different man. Things that he never did before he is doing to me, he is staying in the living room, he is very open about the relationship he has, he talks with his girlfriend in front of me, leaves receipts from stores, restaurants, etc so I can see them. Come home with marks in his body. I had tried everything, I know I screw up but I learnd from my mistakes, I had hurt him but I would like to save my marriage. Do I have any chance, what can I do? Please help !!!!_
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## anx

I would read the book "tough love".

There is a chance, but not if you allow him to continue with this other relationship. You need to stand firm that he must chose you or not chose you. You cannot allow him to be with you and with another woman at the same time. 

If you are religious like your name suggests, find that and seek help there as well. 

You need to apologize for your past actions and then ask for him to truly reconcile or leave.


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## marksaysay

There is no chance for reconciliation until the other relationship is over. I understand you find fault in your actions during the marriage but most of us here will also admit that. You can only take responsibility for your actions. He has to be the one to accept his as well. At this point, it seems better for him to try to start a new relationship or at least try to without fixing himself and that only means the same mistakes will be repeated. If you guys dont work out, his new relationship will probably go through the same issues with a common component, him. 

Now, if you are serious about trying to save your marriage, I agree with the above. He should either put both feet into the relationship or both feet out the door. That might seem harsh but hes only there for the security, not for you. I know that some people will disagree but I believe exposure is going to be your best weapon in ending the affair. Does anyone know about it? Do you know who the other woman is and if she is married also? My suggestion to you would be to go to marriagebuilders.com and join the forum. There are tons of people there who have been able to save their marriages and they have great advice.
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## 827Aug

Make sure you aren't being too hard on yourself for past behavior. My estranged husband totally destroyed my self-esteem. Of course, I then believed all those horrible things he was saying. And I put up with his cheating behavior way too long. You may want to find an individual therapist to help you cope with this part of the battle. Your husband's current behavior speaks volumes. It is cruel and demoralizing.

Either way you go, you've got to take a stand. He's got to be told to stop all contact with the girlfriend, go to marriage counseling, and make an earnest effort towards reconciliation. Or, he needs to leave the house and you will be filing for divorce. The "cake eating" must stop--give him the choice.

I agree with marksaysay on exposing his affair. If his girlfriend is married, tell her husband. If she is single, tell her parents. As for your husband, tell those who HE respects (people that could intercede on your behalf to make a difference). Also, talk to your minister about what is going on. Don't be embarrassed to tell others. What he is doing is not a reflection on you.

Good luck!


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## believergirl

827Aug said:


> Make sure you aren't being too hard on yourself for past behavior. My estranged husband totally destroyed my self-esteem. Of course, I then believed all those horrible things he was saying. And I put up with his cheating behavior way too long. You may want to find an individual therapist to help you cope with this part of the battle. Your husband's current behavior speaks volumes. It is cruel and demoralizing.
> 
> Either way you go, you've got to take a stand. He's got to be told to stop all contact with the girlfriend, go to marriage counseling, and make an earnest effort towards reconciliation. Or, he needs to leave the house and you will be filing for divorce. The "cake eating" must stop--give him the choice.
> 
> I agree with marksaysay on exposing his affair. If his girlfriend is married, tell her husband. If she is single, tell her parents. As for your husband, tell those who HE respects (people that could intercede on your behalf to make a difference). Also, talk to your minister about what is going on. Don't be embarrassed to tell others. What he is doing is not a reflection on you.
> 
> Good luck!


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## believergirl

Thank you guys for the support, yes I need to move on, but it is very hard to let go. I would like to let you know a little bit more about my story, like I said in my first post, he was excellent and during our marriage he expected more from me and in that way I disappointed him. When he broke up with me last year it was like the world crashed down over me, It completely killed me. I couldn't believe it, on march 6 of 2010 he took me to the movies, we were kissing, holding hands, everything seemed perfect, and on march 20 he told me it was over, the next day he packed his clothes and left, just like that. He told me he needs to explore, meet different people, different women, that he was not in love with, etc. Since that day I felt into a deep deep depression. I want able to sleep, In 2 weeks I lost 35 lbs, I didn't fit in my clothes. I became addicted to nyquil and over the counter sleeping pills, I used to drink a bottle of nyquil a day every day plus the pills and I wasn't eating at all, last summer I started smoking cigarettes. On may of last year I was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for depression for a whole week, he never went to see me. On september of last year he moved in, he is in the living room, and he is very disrespectful, it hurts to know that he was a devoted father long ago and now he doesn't even see our girls. I need to move on, I have read a lot of book about self help cause I knew it was my fault, I also read books about forgiveness, etc. I still love him, but I know I need to love myself more. I would like him to realize the family we have together. Is it going to happen?
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## believergirl

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## believergirl

By the way I forgot to say that all this time I have been telling him that I love him. I need to stop that..... but how?
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## anx

I am really sorry you had to go through all of this and the substance abuse. 

It will only happen is if you respect and stand up for yourself. Demand respect. Have him move out if he is unwilling to commit.

Also, get on antidepressants if you arent already.

I know how much depression over a relationship hurts and am going through it now. There are days were I simply cannot cope. I need to make sure I am not abusing substances or doing anything stupid during those times.

Take care of yourself. The situation you are in right now is toxic.


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## anx

I am there too with love. Just don't tell him you love him.

I know what it feels like to have your body and emotions betray you. You want so much for it to work that you are making really bad choices. 

I really feel for you and your story and hope it works out.

Even when he treats you like garbage you still love him. That's not a bad thing, but right now you need to make some changes.

Best of luck and God bless.


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## believergirl

Thank you anx and yes I am taking antidepressants and sleeping pills. On may of this year I starting eating more and I'm gaining weight, that is really good. I am not isolating myself anymore, I am now spending more time with my girls and also planning to do some activities with them. Only if he could change his mind
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## anx

That's great that things are improving for you some. I should have gotten sleeping pills, but I was afraid of the side effects of something. It has to be better than not sleeping though.

Its so hard that these things stretch on for so long.

I would also very much like my wife to come back from this separation.

Vows lol.

You aren't alone. You need to force a decision from your husband its your only chance. It will be very hard to do and stick to. the book tough love speechs directly to your situation and what you need to say to your husband.

you are blessed to have kids in this. Protect them as much as you can and they will keep you from some of the loneliness. 

I wish you the best and God bless.


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## believergirl

anx said:


> That's great that things are improving for you some. I should have gotten sleeping pills, but I was afraid of the side effects of something. It has to be better than not sleeping though.
> 
> Its so hard that these things stretch on for so long.
> 
> I would also very much like my wife to come back from this separation.
> 
> Vows lol.
> 
> You aren't alone. You need to force a decision from your husband its your only chance. It will be very hard to do and stick to. the book tough love speechs directly to your situation and what you need to say to your husband.
> 
> you are blessed to have kids in this. Protect them as much as you can and they will keep you from some of the loneliness.
> 
> I wish you the best and God bless.


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## believergirl

I don't know anything about his girlfriend, absolutely nothing about her, all I know she exists and that relationship seems to be strong, I hope not.
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## believergirl

Anx please tell me the author of Tough Love, I'm planning to get the book ASAP
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## anx

James Dobson. He is a christian author, but many people still suggest the book towards everyone. Sorry, the book is named "love must be tough" not "tough love"

The book is in most barns and nobles or local book stores. I get a lot of my books online used at amazon.com or half.com

You can read the first chapter for free at amazon.com. On the right hand side of the page there is a "Read the first chapter FREE". 
Amazon.com: Love Must Be Tough (9780849913419): James C. Dobson: Books

If you can comfortably read things online or on your phone (iphones and android phones have a free kindle or nook app), you can get it from either amazon.com (kindle) or barnesandnoble.com (nook). It 10$ to download and read that way. I've been meaning to get more books that way because you have have them instantly to read and they are usually cheaper than physical books. 

I really hope your story works out. Best of luck and God bless.


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## believergirl

I got today THE DIVORCE REMEDY BOOK, I wander if it is too late
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## anx

There is no way to know if its too late. The only hope though is to stand up for yourself and do what is right. He has to chose to either lose you or chose you completely.

I really suggest at least reading the first chapter of love must be tough since its free.

Best of luck and God bless


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## believergirl

I'M LOST
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## anx

??
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## believergirl

I'm confused, there are times that I lose my faith, there is not communication between us at all, last Tuesday he left and didn't come back for the rest of the week, didn't even call to check on the kids. On friday he texted.me to let me.know that he was gonna take the girls to sesame place and he asked to prepare a bag for them. I felt really bad, i never wanted something like this to happen, but I'm living it and it hurts.
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## anx

I'm at largely the same spot at times. It's so hard to keep faith when it hurts this bad and improvement is slow or not at all. It's hard to be the person who wants the relationship and far easier to walk away. Vows lol.

I contacted my wife several times last week and I was basically told in mc that I need to stop.

I agree that loneliness is processed in the same part of the brain as pain. I agree it hurt. It's almost a physical pain.

Best of luck and God bless.
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## believergirl

Anx, I don't know your story, but I have read your posts and you seem to be very mature, what is wrong in your relationship. I wish you the best
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## anx

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/21986-counseling-reconciliation-success.html

This is my story but I haven't updated it for my now second separation.


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## believergirl

I'm so frustrated, I'm so upset, I just can't believe he is so cold, is he going thru a midlife crisis? Does he want to punish me because of my behavior in the past? Or am I so blind that I don't accept that is over? I need to move on, I need to learn how to let go, I'm furious right now, I'm not gonna let him bring me down anymore, I'm way better than he is, I'm more moral, and smart too. 
That is it, it is time to turn around the table, it is my turn now. It is my time.
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## anx

I think that is really good. You cannot stand by and be ok with your husband treating you like that and doing immoral things. If your husband comes back asking to reconcile, consider it then, but get him out of your life or draw very clear boundaries for now while he treats you like this.
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## believergirl

What can I do for a miracle to happen ? How can I make utter fall in love with me again? Is it possible?, please help
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## believergirl

Make him fall in love with......****
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## anx

You can't make him. He has to decide that on his own. We all have free will to do with as we want. 

If he is still with the other woman, get him out of your life. It hurts like bell for 2-3 months and then you will start to really fins happiness alone. It's from that position of power with your husband and strength and love for yourself with or without him that you'll find happiness again with your husband or with someone else.

You need to love and respect yourself before its possible for him to do that to you. I know it hurts like hell. I'm just coming off of a deep depression and seeing happiness where there was none alone. 

Wait and pray. Expect to wait months, but something shorter is possible. Make yourself right with you faith and get involved in that. Find a deeper connection there while you don't have one with you husband.

Best of luck and God bless.


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## believergirl

I'M REALLY CONFUSED
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## anonymiss

You can't make anything happen. If you expect results its going to require time and effort. That's all you can do. If you've already been controlling, and you know that's a flaw, you can't be controlling and expect to pull him back into you. I've been in your boat with the controlling part and insecurity and depression. It totally ruins a marriage. The more you try to control him the more he's going to pull away. My advice since Im going through it too, just not with the GF is to STOP enabling his behavior. You're blaming yourself and have turned yourself into a doormat.


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## believergirl

Thank you very much for your advice, and it is true what you just said, I have turned myself in a doormat. This is my update, well to be honest it has been like this for a month already. He doesn't live here anymore, he comes to see the girls only on Sundays, during the week he doesn't call to see how they re doing. He doesn't ask if the girls need something. It is painful he doesn't realize that his abruptly behavior is affecting our daughters. It is so hard for me still to see how heartless he is now. A man that was so attached to his family, especially his daughters who used to be waiting for him to come back from work. And now he just don't care. Days go by and now is me and the girls at home. I feel so betrayed. Deception sucks.
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## cisco7931

^ Looks like were on the same boat... I cant imagine how our spouses can just turn 180 on their kids just like that... For me i've done my 180 but for the better, I spend time with my daughter more, not in terms of quantity (coz I dont have a lot) but Quality...


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## believergirl

Hey guys, I'm back. Today when I got home from work, for no reason, out of nothing I started crying. It has been a while since last time I did. I started thinking in all the things he has done to me to hurt my feelings, I can't stand this anymore. It is so hard to move on. Please give me some advice.
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## anx

I have finally started to feel better and good. It's been 2.5 months. From what I've read, that's pretty normal time wise. All you can do is survive till then. I've felt with depression before and promised myself at the star I would focus on my faith, keep my vows, not harm myself, stay productive at my job, and always maintain hope and trust for a better future.

I have a pretty nagging will to abuse alcohol, hurt myself, or lash out at something. I made a simple ankle bracelet I wear to remind me of the promises I made.

All I could do was just grind out the time and grieve till I felt better. You will feel better after about 2 months of separation. You may end up in a year blessed till you are overflowing. Keep hope and try to stay strong.
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## believergirl

WELL I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IS GONNA TAKE, WE HAVE BEEN SEPARATED FROM MORE THAN A YEAR NOW. I HAVE IMPROVED A LOT BUT TODAY SINCE I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING IM FEELING THIS ANGUISH INSIDE. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I CAN'T WAIT FOR A MIRACLE TO HAPPEN
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## anx

Sorry, I thought you were living together recently even if he was seeing another woman. 

I don't think it ever gets 100% better, but the hard days come less often. 

You may never get back together. You need to strive (you won't always find it) to be completed my your faith and not your husband. Totally trust and put hope in that even if your husband totally abandons you.
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