# Had a terrible fight!



## stepharonie (Dec 22, 2011)

I'm at work and cant stop crying. My husband is laid off from work for the winter. He is laid off every year. We have a daughter who is 8 months old and i have two other children who are 14 & 12. I put the baby down last night at 8 and then i went to bed. It has been a long week and i was very tired. The baby start cying at 10pm. I get up and of course he is outside in the garage smoking cigs, drinking beer, and talking on the phone. This is daily routine. I get home form work about 2.30 and he instantly goes to the garage. I got really mad because i was tired and feel like he should be the one getting her because he's not working. I slammed the door in his face and it made him mad so he snatched the baby out of my arms and that made me mad and we ended up throwing a few things and then i slapped him across the face. I turn around and the two older kids are standing there. I asked him to stop because they were there and he said I dont give a ****. I feel like i've ruined christmas and traumatized my kids. I dont want this life and i know we're better than that but i dont know how to fight fair when youre sooooo heated. I cant control my emotions. When i slapped him i grabbed his glasses and now he has a scratch across his face that we're all gonna have to look at during christmas with the family. This is not what i want our relationship to be and i think i need to talk to the kids about it. But today i feel ashamed and broken.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You obviously understand your part in it so I won't pile on.

From a mans perspective being out of work is devastating...even if it happens seasonally. There is just something about not being able to provide thats figuratively castrating to us. Withdrawing often happens when your dealing with these feelings. He genuinely may NOT be lazy. He just may be dealing with the work issue poorly.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you realize that if a woman told us she was slapped by her husband and left a mark we all would be screaming to leave him and get to a shelter, call the cops, etc

physical violence is a major problem imo

you both need some serious help


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## stepharonie (Dec 22, 2011)

we dont have financial issues. he loves being home and he's only off for 3 months out of the year. he's been at the same job for 11 years. He is a great provider. 

We have never been physical before. I dont know where its coming from but i know it is serious and it can never happen again. 

This is my first time posting here. I just needed to let it out this morning so i can get through my day.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

not the prettiest situation. Don't beat your self up too much .apoligise for hitting him and never do it again. apoligise in front of your older children so they learn how to apoligise.

now for his part in this mess after you apoligised tell him in no uncertine terms that he is laid off and should be helping with the family duties instead if smoking cigs(pot?) in the garrage and drinking beer. he needs to be responsible and act like a team player for your family to thrive.

totally unacceptable to snatch the baby from you he could of dropped the babby or hurt it in the scuffel and thats why you over reacted.


so you work and he get a free pass to do nothing very unbalanced he should be doing the house work and shopping or helping out as best he can.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

good for you in venting.. that's a good way to let out your emotions.

You are responsible for your own emotions. There are many things you can do when you are "heated up" to calm down, and practice them. Google it if necessary. Seek out counselling if necessary. 

I can have a very stressful job (I'm a woman). I was a single parent for many years. When my son was little, I often hit a walking trail or the gym BEFORE I went home to my son. I burned off the day's stress so I came home to my son happy. Since your H is home with the children, can you do that as well? Even go walk around the mall or go sit somewhere and have a coffee or tea before you go home. Take 30 minutes for yourself. 

Discuss your needs with your H when you are calm, like after you have written out what is bothering you. Let him know that it would be helpful to you if he did certain things when you came home from work.


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## stepharonie (Dec 22, 2011)

no drugs in our house. NO WAY! 

I feel like a big POS and i cant believe i let myself get that carried away.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

stepharonie said:


> no drugs in our house. NO WAY!
> 
> I feel like a big POS and i cant believe i let myself get that carried away.


alcohol is a drug.and so is nicoteen.

good I thought cigs in the garrage was code. sorry for the misunderstanding.


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## speakingforsomemen (Dec 12, 2011)

who is he on the phone with? Santa?


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## MR DK (Dec 22, 2011)

Coming from a mans perspective:
I dont know what he does the other 9 months out of the year and if it totally encompasses his time. Sometimes it is hard to be involved and have specific duties to support the family just to chenge it up for 3 months out of the year. In any case most dads are involved in some way with the daily routine.

The violence sucks. I have never swung or threatened my wife in any way after 8 years of marriage. I can probably think of maybe once or twice when she was so upset she probably tried to hit me or something of that nature. I would say that the only good thing I can see is that he didnt retaliate in a physical manner unless that was the part you were talking about when he grabbed the baby.

Its great to come here and vent. Find a way to apoligize ad come together for the holidays. Put aside the arguement and move foward. Tell him that you love him and dont want to hold any resentment towards him. If your marriage is strong enough things wont feel weird over the holiday season. Address the issue with not pitching in around the house but provide specific things you would like him to be involved in.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

How long have you been dating/married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I must agree it really depends how the rest of the year goes. I wouldnt worry too much. It will soon all be forgotten, even by your kids.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

And the reason I ask is because in MR DK case, 2 times in 8 years is not anything to be too terribly concerned about. But if its a young marriage, say a year, it is something to address quickly and firmly. And maybe address better ways to communicate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stepharonie (Dec 22, 2011)

we've been together 4 years. 

i know we'll have to make up a lie about the scratch this weekend and that's makes me wanna crawl in a hole and bury myself. I cant believe i've brought this on my family. 

He works for an asphalt company 9 months out of the year. 

I meant no illegal drugs in my home. I understand that alcohol and nocotine are drugs but that's not the issue. He's not an aloholic or anything. That's just a small detail about what happened and what made me so upset.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Its not an easy conversation to initiate, but if you tell your husband that you'd like to be fair, but need to work out some basic agreements about who will do what, you can establish a regular routine that might avoid some of these problems.

If you start small, just asking him what he considers to be fair, he might agree that he should look after the baby if needed after a certain time, take care of certain chores, etc. If he agrees beforehand that these are his responsibilities, you can touch base with him regularly, letting him know if you need extra help. The important part is that this could help him be more aware of his own laziness, and put more energy into helping you than he does into avoiding.

I agree with some of the others that he may make the assumption that since you take care of so much when he works, he could selfishly assume that you'll keep towing the line when he's off. Your choice is to decide whether you will call out the assumptions as selfish, or merely try to get him to begin discussing smaller agreements, like I mentioned above, which might help him to begin looking at things from your point of view.

Oh, I do think your kids are old enough that they need to hear a heartfelt apology for trying to resolve marital issues with violence. Simply admitting that your were wrong, and feel ashamed, will be enough, in my opinion. I think kids cut us some slack if we're honest about our mistakes - ignoring the issue does more harm to them.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I love Halien's advice. Very sound.

And Oh yes, whatever you do, DO talk to your kids about this, do not allow this to go silent... That only makes things harder on them. Like something is buried in the family, they will suspect this may have happened before or fear what is happening to Mom Dad -without the elephant in the room being talked about. 

To see a parent Mess up , and then humbly apologizing --this is a lesson to be learned for their own life & their own futures and how to show forgiveness to others .

All good. 

Just be truthfully honest before them, like you said , this was NEVER the type of behavior you & their dad has got caught up in the past - your kids KNOW that ! Even as parents, we make mistakes, emotions and frustration gets the best of us- we have weak moments too. Our children are not THAT fragile, no matter what we may think. And if they are, they likely have been sheilded too much from the realities of life. 


It was an ugly moment, you both got carried away, but all things deserve forgiveness , a new plan and moving forward- when we learn from our mistakes, this is wonderful growth. 

Your children will be proud of you for such a talk and as things get better, when they see you & your husband getting along well, working together, laughing, all of this will fade from their memories. You will also feel a weight lifted after having this talk with them, doing it together as a united front ...this would be the best.


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