# Another "Don't know what to do/How to know when its over?" Question



## Tri_girl (Jan 23, 2012)

I've been browsing this forum and obviously this is a pretty common theme...this is ridiculously long, but I just didn't know how to make it any shorter.

I've been married to my husband for 13 years, together 15. We have two kids, 14 and 11. We're 35 years old, so we've been together since we were 20.

We've had a lot of ups and downs over the years, so many things I wouldn't even know really where to start. But in the end, I feel like we are just repeating the same things over and over and I am just kind of fed up with it, and starting to wonder WHY I keep trying and if maybe there is truly a better life out there for me somewhere. Or maybe the grass isn't always greener and our issues are just "typical" and that committed people stick with it and keep at it? I just don't know.

My husband and I have very different personalities. I am very extrovert, I like to be with people, active, I wear my emotions on my sleeve (happy or sad) and I have no problem talking about how I feel. My husband is very introvert, almost anti-social, I think he'd be a hermit if I let him, hates any type of confrontation, gets nervous and "can't handle" any display of emotion. He actually has a very high-social type job (management with a bit of sales) and he does really well in it "faking" it all day, but at home he clams up and goes into his own world.

We've learned to come to a lot of compromises on this over the years, but problems come up when there is any "extra" stresses because we just handle them completely differently. 
Second big issue is respect. He has chronic problems over the years with things like being truthful about where he is going, not calling when he is going to be late, promising to take care of something (like pay a bill or make an appointment) then not following through. 

Our current issues that are proving to be the biggest yet: 

I am attempting to go to college full time and finish my bachelor's degree in a highly competitive science program. I was a stay at home mom for over 10 years, so this is a huge change for us. I used to take care of everyone and everything around the house. It had a certain kind of stress involved in that, but nothing like the pressure I am currently under. I commute 3 hours per day, 6-7 hours of class, then homework until usually after midnight and up again before 5am to start over. He is verbally supportive of my going to school (he wants the financial benefit of my future career) But he doesn't actually step up and do anything around the house, though he keeps promising he will "be better, I swear." He also hates the fact that I am a generally grumpy person now and that all my school works causes me so much stress. I am trying to maintain a high GPA so I can get into the grad school I want...taking courses like calculus 3, calculus based physics, plus my upper level class in my major, at 35 years old, with two kids...there are nights I just want to scream when I am doing my 20th triple integral calculation or calculating the coefficient of static friction and he is watching TV. And some nights I do just throw my papers in the air and scream "I don't think I can do this anymore!!!!" That's when I want him to say something like "Oh honey, you are the smartest, most amazing woman I know for even attempting all this, you're doing great, we love you" but instead I get "Fine! Whatever! If you're going to act like this then maybe you should just shut up and QUIT!" Which only makes me more upset. That's his best skill it seems - when I am at my darkest place, he never fails to say something to make it WORSE. I even try to be pretty clear about exactly what I need ("I would really like it if when I am upset you could....) but then he says I am being selfish and making our lives all about me. 

Another chronic problem we've had over the years is lying. I know for some it seems straightforward that any lying is unacceptable, and maybe I have been blind all along and should have left years ago over it. But he hates, hates, hates "dealing" with things so much, that he will lie to avoid any discussion or confrontation about something. The most chronic was when he was going to be late coming home, he didn't call because he knew I'd be mad and he didn't want to hear it, so I'd have to sit and panic for a couple hours and it would be a bigger fight later, which he knew, so then he'd avoid coming home for even longer...etc. I could list a million things - he had to go on a business trip to Vegas. I asked who was going, he said only his boss (a man). Turned out it was really his bosses daughter. I found out a year later when she mentioned something about the trip to me. We almost split up over that. Then there was another time he went out of town (this time with men from work) but told me he was going to dinner only and then back to the hotel to sleep. My mom passed away that night, so I immediately called him at the hotel, on his cell, etc. turned out he really went out partying and I couldn't get a hold of him until 2am when I finally called his bosses hotel room and woke him up to go find my husband. Just on New Year's Day, I had school (yep, on New Year's I had class) and he went motorcycling riding with friends. Told me he would be home no later than 1pm. Didn't show up til 8pm without a phone call and I couldn't get any of my homework done because I had to deal with the kids, dinner, etc. He is correct that in all those incidents if he had told me the truth upfront, there might have been a discussion about it, and I probably would have voiced an opinion (I'm not comfortable with you going alone to Vegas with another woman, my mom's not doing well - can you stay by the phone tonight and not party? I'm going to have lots of homework today, if you can't be home earlier, I don't want you to go) So he is right on there, but I still don't think lying is okay in the name of avoiding.

The last straw came last weekend. We came into some money last year that was going to be enough to pay the rest of my degree and most of grad school. Long story, but apparently when we moved from CA there was an issue with taxes on house and they sued us for a ton of money (I didn't know, he hid the mail from me) He had to use all my school money to pay that, and we are basically dead broke (which I found out when I tried to buy some school supplies at Target and my ATM card was denied) It started a huge fight, and be blamed ME that I am too emotional and that is why he can't tell me anything. So apparently its all, always, my fault. Yes, I would have panicked. Yes, I would have been devastated that the security we had was gone. Yes, I would have been concerned about my future. But think all that is normal and I have a right to go through those kind of emotions. I think its HIS problem if he can't deal with it.

So now we are stuck. He's agreed to go to counseling but points out over and over how he hates to talk about things and won't do it if "you pull your usual stuff and get all emotional" Um, its counseling. Emotions happen there. I do love him (yeah, dumb, I guess) but sometimes I wonder if I only stay because I hate the idea of failing at anything (I have a 3.9 GPA if that tells you about my personality, I just don't "fail" - its not me) I also feel like I am obviously only representing my side of the story. I know from his perspective that this whole marriage and the current situations look completely different. I know I have made mistakes as well, as I said above, his biggest gripe is that he sees me as extremely selfish because I tell him how I'd like to be treated and how I am feeling. He thinks this means I am trying to make everything about me. He also thinks I am weak and not independent enough because I need his support when I'm stressed. I think he'd love a wife that just did her own thing all the time without much thought to him so that he could do the same.

So how does one decide what to do? How miserable do you have to be to end it? Should you ever be miserable at all? Do I tell myself that I deserve better? Is is supposed to be this hard?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I didnt have to read the whole post to know whats wrong. Very simple he is scared of you. That explains it all.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Tri_girl, first off I think your husband is bringing a lot of avoidance and intimacy issues to the table and he has a lot he could work on. But, because he's not here, I'll just comment on the one thing I got from your post that you might think about.

I think it is fine to be emotional and display your emotions but I do not think it is really fair to set expectations on your husband on how to react to your emotional displays. ("I would really like it if when I am upset you could....")

I'm just thinking that it wouldn't really be fair to set an expectation on my spouse by saying, "I would really like it if when I am hungry you cook that 3-hour roast I like." If she cooked it, great, but it's not really fair for me to expect her to react because my stomach growled and I threw my arms up and blurted out, "I'm hungry!".

I say this because he sounds very avoidant, and avoidant folks try very hard to control their environment. Your emotions are uncontrollable to him. You have set expectations on him as to how you want him to react to your emotions. So, since he can't control your emotions, he may try to control the triggers of your emotions, by hiding things that might get you upset. If you don't get upset, you won't have expectations on him, and so he has controlled the situation. Obviously this is not an ideal but this could be the way he knows.

Maybe you could instead try something like, "I really love it when you rub my shoulders when I am upset. It calms me down and I think the world of you." Or whatever. Give it some time and perhaps if he feels safe, he may try it. If your reaction is positive, he may want to do it more often. He may need you to provide emotional safety before he can provide it to you, in other words. And, you will have achieved your needs without expecting him to meet them.

I think you have identified the core problems (emotional and conflict avoidance on his part, emotional expectations on yours). In my opinion, if he is not willing to address his issues and/or you are not willing to create safety for him, it's not likely to change. There's no point in repeating the same patterns over again. Just know he is not the only one who could try to change here. Best of luck.


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