# Wife problems - not sure what to do



## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

Hi.

without going into too much detail, my wife of almost 2 years and I are going through yet another tough time. This time round, she is going way way overboard and overreacting and overexaggerating.
I am a person that keeps cool and composed when things go wrong or when she shouts at me and puts me down. I don't know why she does this but she things I am cheating or talking to other people when I am not at all. It's something I don't believe in nor ever done, and I have had it done to me many times before.

To cut the long story short, she is making things awkward and difficult, is not really "there", does not engage in things much (for the past month).

We are seeing a marriage counsellor/therapist and have had 2 sessions so far but in both, she is the only one that says a lot and I barely get anything in.

I believe in improving yourself for the better especially via constructive criticism and reflection. I work a lot, have 2 businesses but work from home 99% of the time.

at times, things get too much for me (because she shouts at me and puts me down) and I walk out... because there is no talking to her. I do this to keep the cool if possible and the peace even if she does not like it. There is nothing worse than staying in that atmosphere/mode.

This has had a big impact of me in the last month. Lost a customer because I cannot focus, thus losing income. Losing my mental and emotional state of mind. She does not want to talk much. She has packed up almost all her stuff about 3 weeks ago and we were almost about to get a divorce but that is now put on hold however I know that she is indeed abusive towards me (aggressive, her words, the things she says and does) but I am a fighter and believer.

I am more of an emotional person (the "feely" kind) and say my inner most thoughts. I am very self-aware and know the signs of body language and reactions. She unfortunately is not quite like that.

I just don't know what to do. I even ask her, does she have anything for me... and empty response, like with most questions I ask. 

I don't believe in wasting time - life is too short and I would rather be practical and spend as much time with one than not. 
She has been married before, a long time ago, and also was engaged too. But I don't think that has anything to do with this.
She keeps turning things around on me and being "projective". Saying things like "it's all about you huh?" - actually, it never is. It's always about her, I put her first and I really don't care about myself. I never have done really.

I just need to know where she is for my sake. I feel like I am being pulled and told what to do and I am REALLY trying to make it right but it cannot ALL be done by myself. She needs to contribute but she really does make it difficult.

I do pay for everything. I am happy to. She does work but she, yet again, has quit her job. Then when I asked her "do you want me to support you again darling? I just want to know because I don't want to take away your independence or anything" (words to that effect), she snaps at me. "What kind of stupid question is that?" and yells. 

I am an emotional mess. Cannot even put a smile on her face and our anniversary is next week. I feel stupid for buying things for her. I just don't know what to do, what to ask... I just don't. I feel like I am being played and to be made a fool for something I have not even done. IT really is tormenting. I cannot say anything right, cannot do anything right - damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Her communication is awful, very sketchy. Always speaks to me in a very terse manner, very rude. I just... I am lost.

She also stole 10K of my money about 4 weeks ago from my account and said she has no problem returning it but she has not to date. And I wont bring it up either. That was for my business taxes. 

The past few days have been ok/better and our anniversary, 2 days ago, was good. This morning however she woke up in a fowl mood and no idea why. All because I decided to go to the grocery store to grab a few things we needed and thought I would get a head start on the day? She has been in bed all day. I don't get it.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

So I have no idea how old you are. 

But can I be honest. You sound like a weak man. No man worth his salt would EVER all his wife or anyone else to speak to him, or do the things she is doing to you. 

So when she packed her bags 3 weeks ago, you should have helped her pack and load them in the car. 

If you are over say 40, and not completely stupid, you should have ended the relationship the first time this happened. 

Do yourself a favor, man up, ask her to leave, and start over...


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## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

So age is irrelevant and I am not stupid 

I tried to help her and she complained about it... damned if I do, damned if I don't. Most of her stuff is in storage anyway, as I may have said. But this makes no sense and at least I am always trying hard, she does nothing - sometimes literally. She turns everything around on me, so I must be the problem. I am weak indeed but I am more of the inner self/emotional kind of guy. 

I just want to see what's going on and how best to fix it or make it better.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ai_hawk said:


> So age is irrelevant and I am not stupid
> 
> I tried to help her and she complained about it... damned if I do, damned if I don't. Most of her stuff is in storage anyway, as I may have said. But this makes no sense and at least I am always trying hard, she does nothing - sometimes literally. She turns everything around on me, so I must be the problem. I am weak indeed but I am more of the inner self/emotional kind of guy.
> 
> I just want to see what's going on and how best to fix it or make it better.


Age matters, but I will accept that you are not stupid. 

Dude, I don't care how weak or emotional you are, for god's sake you are a human being. 

You cannot make it better, sounds like she can hardly stand the sight of you. 

And really, she sounds like a nut job, why would you put up with that. Did no one ever explain what abuse was to you? 

I am trying to just be real, no one should ever put up with what she is doing. 

You need to kick her out or move out today if possible...


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## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

Thank you. Sadly moving out is not possible from a financial and practical point of view. 

I am sure there must be something to do here, some practice I can put in place and see what's going on? Especially this morning... it's just … makes no sense.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Already divorce, then engaged and that was broken off too. Now this marriage is failing and largely do to her actions. She's just not marriage material. 

You have quite a few things you can work on as well. For someone who claims to be self aware, you seem to be ignoring your own contributions in this mess.


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## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

only ignoring the self aware thing to see if I am wrong here and to fix it, that's all. Everything seems to be a problem or a contradiction.  
unfortunately WA is a not at fault state but a community property state. And I've been the one pretty much supporting both of us for 90% of the time in our marriage.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ai_hawk said:


> only ignoring the self aware thing to see if I am wrong here and to fix it, that's all. Everything seems to be a problem or a contradiction.
> unfortunately WA is a not at fault state but a community property state. And I've been the one pretty much supporting both of us for 90% of the time in our marriage.


Look, you have been married for 2 years, correct? 

Who makes more money, you or her? Whose name is the house in? 

When did this behavior start or was she always like this? 

When is the last time you had sex with your wife? 

Honestly, you are not the man to fix this. You already admitted that you were a weak man. IF she was ever to change, which I doubt, she would require the biggest badest ALPHA male in the world. 

She would need to be desperately crazy in love with him, and he would have to screw her in ways that she had never ever been screwed. Then that guy for some reason would have to want to be with her, which would never ever happen. If that guy existed, it would not be you. 

But answer the above questions, and if there is a chance of you fixing this, I will tell you. But frankly, I don't think there is.

If anything you are telling us is true, she is a complete nut job.


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## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

Thanks for the support....


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

You said in MC she does most of the talking. What is she saying? What is the problem from her perspective?

She yells at you. That is NEVER okay. I would get the book "love busters" and read it. Angry Outbursts (like she is having) will kill your love for her dead. (As it seems you are noticing.)

It's so hard to know when you can't hear the other person's side of the story, but from your post alone? She literally sounds mentally unstable. Like maybe bi-polar or Border line personality disorder - not that I'm an expert on those. But quitting jobs? Taking $10K from the account? Being inexplicably angry at you? (Assuming it is inexplicable, which is why I'm curious what she is saying in MC). Anyhow, her behavior sounds very impulsive and void of a comprehension of potential consequences.

One sense I do get from reading your post is that she may feel very disconnected from you. You are a low key, non-reactive person and she is a high drama person. She's not happy about something (real or imagined?) and she tries to connect with you over it, but you don't react so she amps up the drama, so you shut down more, so she gets hysterical in her attempt to reach you and you retreat more in your attempt to get away from her...

My suggestions are:
1. pay close attention to what she is saying she is upset about.

2. Respond to her in a way that lets her know you are hearing what she is saying and you understand what she is feeling (even if you don't agree with her perspective.

3. Try to be close and communicative with her when she is not in a rage. Try to nave nice, intimate conversations and give her attention when she is not treating you horribly.

4. Prepare yourself emotionally for the fact that you may have married a very emotionally damaged person and the only solution may be to cut your losses and get out of the marriage.

5. Get that $10K back. I agree with the poster who said you are sounding weak. Women are NOT attracted to weakness. Especially not when they know full well they are being outrageous.

Good luck.


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## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

Thank you.

I always pay close attention but the things she says makes no sense and to be honest, I have forgotten what she said in MC - it's been almost 2 weeks since we have been but she just talks about me hiding things or being negative when I am not.

She really has some problem. I just don't get it.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

ai_hawk said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I always pay close attention but the things she says makes no sense and to be honest, I have forgotten what she said in MC - it's been almost 2 weeks since we have been but she just talks about me hiding things or being negative when I am not.
> 
> She really has some problem. I just don't get it.


You keep pointing at her problems but not your own. Also, its hard to imagine you are actually listening to her when you can't remember what was said at MC a fortnight ago. 

I would go to IC as well if you can. There's things you need to work on about yourself if you want to save the marriage.


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## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

Believe me I would say what my problems are but honestly, I don't know and have been told by many friends (who are objective) that I really am not doing anything wrong. I would be the first one to put up my hand and say I'm wrong.

As for not listening in MC - I just got so down and depressed of her just complaining about things that make no sense nor has a point so I tune out a little. The theme is that I apparently am cheating or hiding something when I am not. I am home 99% of the time (working from home)… and I should actually go into the office but cannot because then she builds these things in her mind and frankly I don't trust her lately either. 

Right now, she just is not communicating. I asked her a few questions in general but no real response and got all antsy. I then asked later if she wanted to do some activity at some point like going to the shooting range... took a while then "something to think about"... I then said ok, how about going to Canada for a couple of days and she just didn't say anything where as before she said yes to me but still has not got her act together to get a passport and time is ticking in that regard (due to other things for me).

She is intentionally not engaging. And I don't know what to think or do. This is REALLY hard on me. She scolds me and has random attitude problems and I don't get it.

I also asked "you aren't feeling it today with me/for me, are you?" - she just smiled and had a small little laugh/giggle. Great - kill the man's feelings why don't ya.


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## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

I also think she is playing me. Even my Divorce attorney said. I say this because She keeps asking me if I contacted the divorce lawyer (why can't she contact hers???) to close the account/retainer/case which I have done and it's not up to me on how long it takes for them to correspond with each other.

I feel like she wants me to close it from my end but for her to do some other dirty stuff even though really, there isn't anything that can be done in this case because this is a community property state. I don't know if she is buying time or whatever... I don't know.
In any event, anything she says or does REALLY does not make any sense, no build up or logic. 
this week has been 90% good with her without any heavy things (I am a clear and effective, deep, communicator)… anniversary day was great. yesterday was good and then this morning... boom. Moody.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why do you need to fix anything?

The fact that you feel the need to fix this on your own does not make any sense.

Are you able to remain comfortable in the midst of her tirades? Not calm, but actually comfortable?

If not, your best bet is to end the marriage and cut your losses. 

If so, there are some practical ways to reflect her crap back at her. But that will require the aforementioned. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

Thank you.

I guess the reason for fixing is because that is just who I am, I even take the wrap for things that is not me. I am not comfortable in the midst of her tirades. I see myself, because it's who I am, to continue to try and pursue her and try to make her talk or joke or something to break the ice or smooth the eggshells. But nada. 

Marriage is important to me. I don't just throw in the towel at problems unless it really is not worth it or spouse cheats. Although she has been communicating with a few guys on FB and email but nothing "fishy" just yet. Last year at the xmas holidays there was some comms with this one guy that she claims is a friend but the content... I don't think so, but I let it slide.

Point is... at least I am trying. But of course "all guys as asses"... no matter what


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

So in other words, you want advice to fit within the KISA approach or you are not interested?

Don't you realize your inability to adjust your approach is enabling her behavior?

Furthermore, she is communicating with other men?

Your are in over your head.


ai_hawk said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I guess the reason for fixing is because that is just who I am, I even take the wrap for things that is not me. I am not comfortable in the midst of her tirades. I see myself, because it's who I am, to continue to try and pursue her and try to make her talk or joke or something to break the ice or smooth the eggshells. But nada.
> 
> ...


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

KISA?

DO TELL what I can do right now to make her talk/come to me? I need to know/learn.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

No. The premise you mention here is exactly the problem.

Even though we are complete strangers, I have no interest in suggesting how you can lure toxicity back into your life because nobody deserves that. 

She is either cheating on you, or does not respect you, or both. Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.


ai_hawk said:


> KISA?
> 
> DO TELL what I can do right now to make her talk/come to me? I need to know/learn.


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

KISA=knight in shining armor

Google the term. Read. Learn. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

Thanks.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> So in other words, you want advice to fit within the KISA approach or you are not interested?
> 
> Don't you realize your inability to adjust your approach is enabling her behavior?
> 
> ...


This exactly. Look we are all telling you the same stuff here. Yet you refuse to look at your own behavior as any sort of problem. You aren't doing anything wrong is what you keep saying. While the rest of us are pointing out you aren't doing anything right in all of this. 

At some point you have to look at yourself and realize your actions, or inactions, are contributing to her behavior. 

She indeed may be the one who's crazy. The one who yells and screams. The one talking to other men. The one who abuses you. However, you are the one enabling it to happen within your marriage. Contributing to it with your inability to stand up for yourself. Instead, you are trying to twist and turn yourself into a pretzel trying to find a way to do anything but confront these issues head on and stick up for yourself in any sort of self loving respectable manner. 

Thats where IC comes in. Better yourself. Because even if this marriage doesn't work out, guys like you attract women like her. They roll from one abusive relationship to another. So better yourself so you can get out of this pattern. Even if this ends, if you dont better yourself you will end up right back in this same place.


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## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

I understand what you are sayin and totally appreciate it. Thing is, there is only so much a person, or a man, can take. I have in the past stood up for myself but that just made it so much worse even though I don't cuss or be aggressive at all. I'm just... anxious and just teetering.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

ai_hawk said:


> I understand what you are sayin and totally appreciate it. Thing is, there is only so much a person, or a man, can take. I have in the past stood up for myself but that just made it so much worse even though I don't cuss or be aggressive at all. I'm just... anxious and just teetering.


It only got worse because you eventually folded under the pressure. You want comfort 24/7 so you will eventually just give in, thinking that will bring the peace. As you have found out, all that does is create incentive for them to just push back further knowing you will cave. Then they will promptly put you in your place for a few days. Chop your knees off. Keeping you from ever trying that again. 

What you need to work on is being comfortable in uncomfortable situations. Put your foot down and when the screaming starts just interupt and say "thats my final word, I wont have that anymore" then tell her to get packing if she doesn't like it. Yes its uncomfortable. Learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. This will help you in business as well.


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## ai_hawk (Oct 6, 2018)

I understand and I actually do this in my business but I cannot really treat her like that. Even if I did, she would just go - don't quite want that. Want her to get it but she doesn't. She is just... preoccupied with something else and no idea what.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She stole 10k from you that was for paying business taxes???

What did she do with ten thousand dollars?

Why do you even want to remain in a relationship with a woman who took TEN THOUSAND dollars?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to find out what is going on in HER life. She is being so disrespectful and stealing 10k -- like she is TRYING to get you to divorce her.

Is there any chance there is someone else in HER life? Can you get a PI to follow her for a while, look into her phone records, use some VARS where she would talk on the phone when you are not around? You may get some insights into her if you hear what she says to friends/family about you when she thinks you can't hear...


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, I think there are so many red flags that you might want to just call it a day on this marriage. She apparently cannot keep a job and blames her boss, steals money from you and is unrependent about it, is flirting on Facebook, possessive making false accusations partly to mask her own conduct, and when you attempt some reasonable discussion, decides to blame you. So saying you're done makes sense. Do note that since she stole once when she was in a marriage, would take far more in a divorce. Additionally, she seems to be a high risk candidate for false accusations of violence in a divorce (or starting a fight, getting you to hit her, and sending her to jail with a big smile). 

That all said, if you want to keep this marriage a try then do it. You wrote, "We are seeing a marriage counsellor/therapist and have had 2 sessions so far but in both, she is the only one that says a lot and I barely get anything in." WHAT????????????????????????????????? Note a whole lot of counsellors work by trying to placate the angry one, and splitting responsibility. Jane, do you understand how Fred felt what dinner was not ready after he came home from work, and Fred while I can understand and appreciate your feelings, breaking her nose was probably was not the best way to respond. If you are at counselling, I'd make sure you spoke as loud and as often as you can laying out what she did wrong. You have to at least ventilate and address the problem, which is her, to have a chance of solving it. Since she is difficult, self-centered, and manipulative, that might bring this marriage to a close though there is perhaps a small chance that constructive dialogue could help things.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

ai_hawk said:


> I understand and I actually do this in my business but I cannot really treat her like that. Even if I did, she would just go - don't quite want that. Want her to get it but she doesn't. She is just... preoccupied with something else and no idea what.


You've given her no reason to get it. You wouldn't let someone else walk all over you in a business deal. Why does she get to treat you like a door mat? Well, mostly because you allow it.  Encourage it even. Good luck man, I don't have high hopes for you here.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

She's got a boyfriend. I'd bet a large sum of money on that. All the signs are there in your first post. distancing herself from you, projecting her cheating on to you(guilty behavior), yelling at you and degrading you, etc. As far as you not liking to waste time, well that's what you're doing. You're not willing to listen to the only thing that could possibly give you a chance. You're playing the "pick me" dance at an Olympic level. All that this nice guy routine will do for you is keep you in limbo until she figures out which FB friend is her best option, she'll likely then take some more of your money before SHE files for divorce and takes 1/2 of the money you have left. You better wise up and harden up, if it's not already too late.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I agree - she's got a boyfriend or is a druggy or both.

Why aren't you asking what she did with ten thousand dollars?

Why aren't you demanding she give it back NOW?


You're being so passive... of course she's allowed to treat you terribly - you're practically inviting it by not standing up for yourself.


Tell her to get a full time job! Tell her you're divorcing her and to move out now!

Why would you try working things out when someone treats you so badly? Think man - this isn't right!

Get rid of her - she can go treat someone else badly - don't let it be you!!!

Hurry up and file - maybe with it being a short M you won't owe her a dime.

Make sure you get back the 10K right away!


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

All these responses you are reading are tough to read. The truth always is.

The only way you will solve this issue with your sanity intact is the hardest way. 

If you keep trying to understand her, hope she will come around, see you for who you are, your life will spiral down into a depth of hell I would not want on my worst enemy... Well, almost.

I've seen where your path goes, I almost went down it myself a short while ago, and with someone who shares a few characteristics with your woman.

You need to think long and hard about the type of life you see ahead. If you wish to be miserable then it sounds like you are on the right track. However, do you want to discover a whole new aspect of life (i.e. self-respect and enforcing of boundaries with partner(s))?

Do you see yourself putting up with decades of this behaviour? If this is how you are being treated now, imagine the treatment to come when the boundaries get pushed even further.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I read everyone else's posts.
Not much to add here.

She is after your money.
She is after your blood.
She is after your life.

She is a miserable person and you are the cause, even if you are not.
You are the cause because you are the closest in proximity to her.

She sounds paranoid schizophrenic.


Your solutions?:

She needs serious anti anxiety drugs. She likely would scoff at the idea.
Tell her is she wants to stay married she needs something to stabilize her moods. 

She needs to go to a Psychiatrist, MD.

Do not use the word, psychiatrist. 

Tell her about mood stabilizing drugs. Her psychologist should be able to recommend an MD to prescribe them.

I too suggest divorce. She will not likely ever change. Likely, cannot.

Drugs are a patch-over, not a real fix. 
A real fix is what you are in.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Look at it this way.

You died, you went to Hell.

Your lawyer says he can get you of out Hell but it is going to cost you money.

If you do not want to spend the money, you can spend the rest of your life in Hell.

The Devil? 
You guessed it, it's your wife.

She is not fixable.
She is not invincible

She is a mistake on your part.

You are a nice guy. 
Good, we need nice guys on Earth.

Nice guys get taken advantage of.

Take your advantage elsewhere.
Away from her.

Spend the money.
Money can be replaced.

Lost years trying to fix her can never be replaced.

If you do not follow the advice given here, you do not want to fix this.
You want to wallow in your misery.

Yep...




[THRD]


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I get an odd vibe reading your post. Everything is your wife's fault. Even the client you lost is your wife's fault. Sometimes that is the case, but usually it seems that both parties are at least somewhat to blame. 

Don't let your wife become overly dependent. You are coddling her and she's taking advantage of you. A healthy marriage should be between two strong people.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> She is a miserable person and you are the cause, even if you are not.
> You are the cause because you are the closest in proximity to her.


If you leave her, the next guy will then become the cause. There will be any cause required..... other than for her to face the awful, reprehensible truth about herself.

I'm not one to advise divorce, unless there is abominable behavior. Taking 10k from you and not returning this qualifies, IMO.
It shows just what kind of person she really is.

Cut your losses, get loose.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

All this in only two years; any chance you can cut your losses and bail; I mean, what's the attraction here?

$10K, a small fortune. Wow.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ai_hawk said:


> I understand and I actually do this in my business but I cannot really treat her like that. Even if I did, she would just go - don't quite want that. Want her to get it but she doesn't. She is just... *preoccupied with something else and no idea what.*


Based on some of your latest posts, I know what she is preoccupied with, it is her latest lover, whoever that is. 

Dude, she is and has been cheating on you, what I cannot understand is why you give a rats ass. 

She is nuts, and you being weak, and needy is making it worse. 

Please file for divorce and get her out of your life...


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Hawk, you can explain your views until you are blue in the face, and it won't do any good. 
Do the 180. I've seen it work many times.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

ai_hawk said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I always pay close attention but the things she says makes no sense and to be honest, I have forgotten what she said in MC - it's been almost 2 weeks since we have been but she just talks about me hiding things or being negative when I am not.
> 
> She really has some problem. I just don't get it.


She could, quite literally, have serious mental health issues. Paranoia is very common with brain damage and other mental health issues. Did you get any sense from the MC that he or she thought your wife was not being rational?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

BluesPower said:


> Based on some of your latest posts, I know what she is preoccupied with, it is her latest lover, whoever that is.


It is true that a lot of times people suspect others of doing the things they are doing. A cheater is usually a very jealous lover because they know what they're doing when no one else is looking and assume others behave the same way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ai_hawk said:


> She also stole 10K of my money about 4 weeks ago from my account and said she has no problem returning it but she has not to date. And I wont bring it up either. That was for my business taxes.
> 
> The past few days have been ok/better and our anniversary, 2 days ago, was good. This morning however she woke up in a fowl mood and no idea why. All because I decided to go to the grocery store to grab a few things we needed and thought I would get a head start on the day? She has been in bed all day. I don't get it.


This is who she is. She will NEVER get better, only WORSE. Trust me on that. Cut your losses now, file for divorce and have the lawyer remove the $10K she stole from any settlement she might get.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ai_hawk said:


> KISA?
> 
> DO TELL what I can do right now to make her talk/come to me? I need to know/learn.


You can't do ANYTHING because she is abusive and that is just who she is. The ONLY step you can take that will at least save your sanity is to immediately leave the room any time she starts to criticize, blame, or yell at you. Of course that it short-lasting because she will NEVER be done criticizing, blaming and yelling at you. It's who she is.

Just file already. It was an experiment and the experiment failed. 

btw, you can't make someone else do ANYTHING. 

That said, I suggest you read a book called No More Mr Nice Guy. It's about men like you who think that being nice - even to the point of being abused - is some sort of character strength. It's not. It's a character FLAW, and you have the opportunity to fix it. Read the book.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

It's my experience that when someone's behavior makes no sense, you don't have the full story. I suspect your wife is hiding something - an affair, doubts, money troubles - I don't know what. It just seems that the strangest things set her off, but people do things for a reason.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or they have a mental condition. I know a woman like her who is simply a full-blown narcissist. She'll sell her own kids down the river if it gets her what she wants.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

ai_hawk,

your trying to fix something that you don't own, this is her issue(s), and guess what she would rather blame you for everyone of her issues than take ownership of any of it. You can continue down this path or you can decide to take charge fo your life and tell her "NO, i refuse you to treat me like this and there is the door" BTW as others have noted here, the person who usually complains about the other spouse cheating is often the one who is cheating themselves. just food for thought


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Set the police on her.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I want to know what she did with the 10K... that's a lot of money.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ai_hawk said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I always pay close attention but the things she says makes no sense and to be honest, I have forgotten what she said in MC - it's been almost 2 weeks since we have been but she just talks about me hiding things or being negative when I am not.
> 
> She really has some problem. I just don't get it.


If you forget, you should start recording the sessions so that you can go back and review this. You need to get your head around what is going on with her. It may not make sense on the first hearing, but if you listen back, you may be able to see patterns/items with her that real-time you don't catch.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

turnera said:


> This is who she is. She will NEVER get better, only WORSE. Trust me on that.


Exactly. BTDT. Got the T-shirt, too (but somebody else had to buy it for me)  ....

I went through the whole gamut of "why?".....bottom line....if a guy is standing in front of you with a gun, all the analysis in the world is not going to keep you from getting shot.

By the grace of God, I didn't marry her. 36 years later, I talked to her....guess what ? All of what had gone wrong with her life was someone else's fault..... and I was a large contributor


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

As usual I doubt we are getting the whole story here. Her behavior is unhinged, and you are a saint. You want her to change her behavior but all you do is ask politely, and give no consequence for her continuing the bad behavior. 

Make yourself a detailed list of all the most egregious behavior on her part, sit her down and tell her if this continues you cannot stay married to her period. If she turns it around on you and threatens to leave, help her pack. She needs to fully understand that you will not be pushed around like a child. If you're not willing to leave a bad marriage you deserve to be miserable. 

Your only chance to get her to come down to earth is to yank her down. If you are truly honest with yourself you will either realize you can't live with this woman forever or you will recognize that you are contributing to the problems in ways you have not spelled out here. 

Who has ever gone to MC and then not remembered what their spouse said in the session. I don't know how common this would be but I would venture to guess that most of those people are not married anymore.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Please do not get her pregnant. Your marriage dynamic is unlikely to change.

If you have a good therapist, he/she is learning from the interactions and silences in the sessions. If you want to vent in a session, speak up and say so!

What attracted you to her? What has changed since you were dating or did you see signs of her personality then? Wife knows how to 'shut you up' and 'overwhelm and confuse' you. The easy FIX you want does not exist. Please read the suggested book and act accordingly.

IMHO, you do not have a marriage, but a war. I'm so sorry.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Expect more of the same unless YOU do things to change it... action is required by you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Expect more of the same unless YOU do things to change it... action is required by you.


And, remember that you cannot change HER....Any effective action will be only to change you, your expectations, your vulnerability, and your degree of freedom.


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