# Hellraiser hooks



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You know the ones Im talking about, they come flying out from everywhere and latch on. 
Sometimes thats the way I feel with this new level of involvement between the ex and I. 
(together 16yrs, Married 10, 10yrold kid, her EA, her filing, Divorced 8/11)
I think it started as soon as I finally moved away from the marital home after divorce. So much contention even with a divorce agreement and parenting plan signed by a judge.
And all of it involves the kid, and the necessary contact with the ex to co-parent. 
Problem is, 99% of the calls or texts I get from the ex have some difficulty or problem that negatively effects my current life, or logistics or "flow"...
Always these "issues" that disrupt the already teetering attempt at moving on and dealing with the situation as it is.
Keep in mind that shes moved another dude in the house, 3 months after I moved out. After 12-13 yrs living there and building a family together, thats kind of something you dont really want to see. Not for the hurt it may cause, but for the simple fact that I have a choice.
But then again maybe I dont. 

I remember when I was looking for apartments and houses to move to while still living with the ex, we were trying to be as civil as possible, but honestly I couldnt stand it and couldnt wait to get out. But finding an affordable place and looking for houses and all took time. Where my kid would be attending school was one of the big deciding factors. My ex had heard that her current district wasnt so good, even though it is, so she hammered on the point that she wanted our kid to go to a district north of where we were, and stood over me while I was looking at potential houses on the computer quite often, to ensure that I was still keeping my word and moving into that district. She planned on moving up there too, once she sold the house per the decree, and the kid would be going to the desired district and I would already be living there, so logistics and busing was no problem.
So I went through hell trying to find a house, limited to that district, found one, it had issues, got those fixed, a month or two of yes/no yes/no had me freaking out and I finally got it, and finally moved in.
But then came the discussion where my ex says she never said that her current district was bad, and that me moving to any particular school district was not something she insisted upon.

WHAT!!!????

Thing is, she started looking for places around my area, and in the same school district and didnt like anything she saw. Suddenly that area wasnt going to do, and her whole fking story changes. I went through all that hell, limited entirely by the area WE agreed definitely to move to as one of the last promises made between us... and she changes her story.
Saying she never insisted on any particular school district because in reality she no longer likes the area.
Well, IM ALREADY HERE!!!
So what does this mean in terms of logistics for the kid?
I have no way of getting her to school as my job starts an hour before school starts. 
If the ex decides to stay in her current area, there are no buses to come get my kid in an entire other school district.
I suddenly have to figure out a way to get my kid to school when she is visiting me.
NOW we get down to the crux of the issue.
How those calls from the ex ALWAYS have some negative impact on my life or the visitation with my kid.
Thats why my stomach drops into my pants everytime the ex calls or sends me an email. 
Hellraiser hooks. I just want to get away from her. Its as if the breath she breathes poisons the air around her.. RUN RUN for your lives....

One of the last "issues" called about was the summer daycare our kid would be going to. Shes gone to daycare her entire life and throughout her school years before and after school. I could drop her off there and pick her up and never have to see the ex or the old house. Part of the parenting plan and financial aspect was that my ex keep her in that daycare specifically for that purpose and because neither of us could get her back and forth to school as there are no programs at school for before or after school care. 
However the old marital home resides in a subdivision directly next to that school, so walking to school is no problem when she is over at the ex's house.

So I got the call, with the ex saying she cant afford to keep the kid in daycare this coming summer, which means that every week that I have custody visitation of my kid, I have to drop her off at the ex's house and pick her up from there after work.
How convenient.

I can see massive amounts of contention and arguments in the near future about all this, when the kid has to go to Jr. High, wherever thats going to be located, and however that is all going to work out...

In closing, I feel like I am still attached to the ex, and I know that I am in regards to the child we have together, and its impossible to remain completely no contact because of the kids needs, but so far everything from that side of the fence has been these issues that somehow make my life difficult in terms of finance (which is severely fked right now), or affects the logistics and time with my kid. 
If the tables were reversed, and I were in my ex's shoes in the old house, I wonder if she'd be willing to come by every day twice a day, what, me with my moved in lover and all..

I think its my turn to be a bit centered on myself in terms of my goals and actions. Ive spent plenty of time for long enough struggling under someone else's stupidity, and that being gone now is a freedom I am not willing to give up.

I cant block her calls, or emails, because most issues she communicates with me about directly involve the kid. But I can almost swear that every time its some problem caused by the ex, that affects some aspect of the kids life, that just happens to greatly negatively affect my own life.
I DESPISE the link there, where my ex can still cause problems in my life. Its like I havent completely gotten away from her toxicity and trouble.
But I will go through whatever it takes. I will do whatever it takes for the sake of my kid. I just had to vent this.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Blah blah blah...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I guess this would fall into the category of being sure that all of the possible scenarios be considered when drafting a parenting plan or divorce agreement. LEave nothing to be subjected to "I didnt say thaaaaatt!!!"...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You will always be attached.

And that can be both challenging, difficult and hopefully at times, rewarding.
Ex and I have a pretty good rapport in the scheme of things. 

Occasionally my ex will try to play the "your being selfish ..." and I simply don't bite.

"We have made choices. Those choices have consequences. Both of us are seldom going to like those consequences."

Keep your boundaries up and keep the puzzle box nearby. The cenobites were referred in one of the movies as 'angels of pain' ... an appropriate moniker at times for an ex-spouse.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

And yes ... if you want it to be enforceable, it needs to be in writing.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

And sometimes, it's even in the agreement, but the other party acts like it is something they've never heard of. Like "right of first refusal". Don't you know, the world revolves around our exes? We are merely pawns in their game of life! LOL. 

Could you suggest a nearby meeting place like the school or a park so that you don't have to go to the home? What does the decree say as far as transportation (who is responsible)?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_I think its my turn to be a bit centered on myself in terms of my goals and actions_

I agree. I hope it gets easier soon for you, Shoo. You have been through hell with your ex but ya know what, you are doing just fine w/o her. 

Try not to let her get to you as best you can.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Absolutely spot on as far as getting everything in writing. Your ex sounds like lot like mine, Shoo, with the 'memory' problems. As we're writing out our plan, I'm adding all kinds of extra things like 'right of first refusal' (he didn't even know what that was) and other things that a normal person would think of as common sense. He thinks I'm making it too specific, but I'm taking NO chances. I know him too well. 

But what we have to remember, Shoo, is that people like our exes are psychologically unhealthy. They don't know about boundaries, or empathy, or considering the effects of their actions/decisions on others. We cannot assume anything with these people and we cannot ever give them the benefit of the doubt. 

I'm in a similar situation in that our house is in a lousy school district, and I moved into the better one (into a crummy little rental that I can't do anything to fix up), but at least there's no way ex can now say that the other district is not bad. We had to send DS to a private school for preschool thru 3rd grade (yay for financial aid). But now that he wants to move into this district, too, I can imagine that there will be some other issue to deal with.

Stay strong, Shoo. And don't feel bad about venting. You know we understand. We've been through the mindf*ck, too.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi Shoo
This is normal. She WANTS you to be involved in her life. She WANTS you there because every time there is some tension she can use that to bolster her pathetic relationships with venom about you. My Ex is habitually late on swap over day. So the kids and I got sick of this, just organised ourselves and left her to drop of the bags whenever the fck she wanted to.. The kids being older helps here.. 
The phone calls have stopped. I said and I quote..
" I do not want to talk or see you. All communication must be either by text or email" This gives me a written record of everything and the mind games stopped. She was a bit put out..
If she doesn't want daycare then she can drop her off at your house! That is a consequence of her dropping daycare. Not your deal. If she won't then you do NOT have to go to the door. Simply call from outside and she can bring your kid out to your car. fck that mind game. 
Shoo. This makes me so mad because it exactly the same sort of carp they all pull, and it is directly linked to you not making her the center of your world anymore. 

Emails.. Yes. They are good at dropping a barb or two in there. I wrote a little script that runs on all her emails.. Strip out anything that does not contain word from allowed word list. kids name. school, emergency etc. Was fun to write and makes her emails really short. Sometimes it just strips the entire email leaving a bank page. More often it comes up with one line out of a screed of text. 
[used bash grep and sed]

You can only win with her by not fighting. Think of it as mental jujitsu. 

Signed.
Mr Grumpy. Australia.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Ing, 

Good advice. 

Shoo, there is no reason you have to be the one that drops her off all the time and picks her up. Your ex wants to control you by doing this. Next time you have to drop her off just say that you will meet somewhere. No reason at all you have to go by that house....EVER! 

If you have to go there to get your child then she should have to come to you as well. But....I wouldn't be dropping the kid off at my old house....no way.


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