# Still Suffering - 2 1/2 Years of this...



## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

I have been reluctant to be direct about the last 2 years...but I have to get this out and try to make sense of it. Maybe get some advice and mental support from my fellow Divorced Guys / Dads. Worth a try.

In Summer 2019...I discovered my ex-wife cheating on my via social media and a customer at work. I really won't go into the long details and the how's who's and why's. Needless to say, it emasculated, humilated and devastated me. Over the next few Months, before she finally moved out in Spring of 2020...I had to walk around in the same home, act in front of the two children (one was ours...the other was her Son who I had raised from 2 years old...every practice, game and need attended and met as he was my Son in my mind.). Once she moved out, I finalized a lot of the discovery and things that I had not wanted to see. I had a data forensic company extract and prepare all of the information she was careless about leaving on electronics, etc. Anyway.

My Daughter came to me 2 Months after being taken from the home and asked to be able to move in with me. She did so in September of 2020. She has been with me ever since. she has spent the night at her Mothers 3 times in the 2 years since. I do not speak ill of her Mother, and I do my best to co-parent. I have put my Daughter first at every turn. We make a great team and she is making straight A's, is a funny and well-rounded kid. She saved my life. I love her dearly and don't think she would ever know how much "purpose" she has put in my life.

As for my post. All of the above started a snowball for me. i cannot seem to find the way out of it. I worked hard on recoveirng and learned a lot about myself through the remainder of 2020.But the issues keep coming. Met a woman, lost my job (10 years in) 3 weeks later because I could not travel as much being a full time parent. Struggled to keep her, lost her the day a tornado hit my home. My truck blew up right as the pay off was the amount to fix it (after spending $3,800 on other maintenance to keep it running). Have struggled finding work. Either too "over qualified" or they think I am "too old" or "dont have a Bachelor's Degree" (started a business and sold it 8 years later @ 21 years old). I am doing work on my own where I can to make ends meet. My home A/C died 2 weeks ago...and I spent all I had getting a new one financed. It just keeps coming adn coming and coming.

Anyway. I wonder if anyone else sees a pattern after they feel so hurt after being cheated on? Loss of confidence even though you maintain your core beliefs and morals? Is this all coincidence or does the pain cause things you didn't expect? How do you see through it when it is almost Monthly that things keep hitting you and knocking you down? Just wondering if there is anyone else out there who was this affected? Sorry for the long post. I am just trying to make sense of it all. And trying to find a way to stand up and be myself again.

Thanks,

J


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair - CS Lewis


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Bigjalann said:


> I have been reluctant to be direct about the last 2 years...but I have to get this out and try to make sense of it. Maybe get some advice and mental support from my fellow Divorced Guys / Dads. Worth a try.
> 
> In Summer 2019...I discovered my ex-wife cheating on my via social media and a customer at work. I really won't go into the long details and the how's who's and why's. Needless to say, it emasculated, humilated and devastated me. Over the next few Months, before she finally moved out in Spring of 2020...I had to walk around in the same home, act in front of the two children (one was ours...the other was her Son who I had raised from 2 years old...every practice, game and need attended and met as he was my Son in my mind.). Once she moved out, I finalized a lot of the discovery and things that I had not wanted to see. I had a data forensic company extract and prepare all of the information she was careless about leaving on electronics, etc. Anyway.
> 
> ...


@Bigjalann, I went back and read your original thread from April 2020 to get a better idea of your situation. It's clear you have been through the mill back and forth under and over with this stuff.

Infidelity is devastating and I'm a prime example of how messed up your life can get if you let the betrayal ruin your life. Read my backstory if you want to read a real horror story about how messed up a guy can get. I put it out there for people just like you.

First, for your ex and that whole mess, you gotta put that to bed. It's clear you're still dealing with it and there are issues from it like you said. But you've got to force yourself past this. Get therapy, even a pastor at a church if need be. You can't let her destroy the remainder of your life like she did the past couple of years. You are in charge of your life, so put on your big boys and do the work. I know it's hard, I've been there in a terrible way. Much of your post resonates with me, except when it happened to me there was no TAM to help. So I'm telling you... prioritize yourself for a while and get past this! You'll be much better for your daughter. And you _need_ to be at the top of your game, she is getting close to dating age.

Second, the life issues that you mentioned. There's no easy answer when stuff is breaking and you can't find a job. I know in my neck of the woods you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a help-wanted sign. You need to tackle the job issue _first and fast_ to keep your daughter safe and sound. Don't let the emotional issues from your ex get in the way of that. Improvise overcome and adapt my friend. You can do it, just put your head down and get it done.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this hell you have been given. Even 2,3,5 years later or more, infidelity is devastating in all the ways you mentioned.









Devastated


I will try to keep this short. But I have been married to the love of my life for 14 years. She has been my sole focus, as has our Family. We have a Daughter, 13...straight A / Honors student. We had what I thought was a "very good marriage". There have been communication "issues" in...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair - CS Lewis


I'm confused. Is he doing something wrong?


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

uwe.blab said:


> I'm confused. Is he doing something wrong?


I can't quote the entire quotation because of forum rules.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I can't quote the entire quotation because of forum rules.


Can you talk about what it means and how it relates?


----------



## DoctorManhattan (Jan 22, 2019)

Bigjalann said:


> I have been reluctant to be direct about the last 2 years...but I have to get this out and try to make sense of it. Maybe get some advice and mental support from my fellow Divorced Guys / Dads. Worth a try.
> 
> In Summer 2019...I discovered my ex-wife cheating on my via social media and a customer at work. I really won't go into the long details and the how's who's and why's. Needless to say, it emasculated, humilated and devastated me. Over the next few Months, before she finally moved out in Spring of 2020...I had to walk around in the same home, act in front of the two children (one was ours...the other was her Son who I had raised from 2 years old...every practice, game and need attended and met as he was my Son in my mind.). Once she moved out, I finalized a lot of the discovery and things that I had not wanted to see. I had a data forensic company extract and prepare all of the information she was careless about leaving on electronics, etc. Anyway.
> 
> ...


It's not easy but it's not impossible. If anything, you have to lay the foundation for your daughter, she sounds awesome. 

It's not easy, been there myself, sometimes you want to throw in the towel, you question what's the effing point of all this..
But there's a point, we need to pick ourselves up, for ourselves and for our offspring, for people who look up to us and depend on us.
I'll tell you what worked for me: lots of meditation, lots of conversation with Heavenly Father (although it may seem one-sided at tge moment), do what you know is positive that yields results, DO NOT do what will dig you in a deeper hole (drugs, alcohol, partying, toxic relationships).
Keep away from depressive situations and people. Hit the gym. Take the pain you have inside and burn it for fuel. 
......
Come up with a game plan and stick to it. If you can't come up with one, get in contact with someone who can help you. Church, online mentor...your old neighbor? Sometimes the solution is so obvious but we're going thru stuff we get blinded. 
Everything. Has. A. Solution. ....except?
Death. 
But you're breathing. You already won that fight. You just don't ****ing know it! Or don't you?

The fact you're asking others who've walked thru fire means you WANT to get to the other side. Unscathed? No! But scars are awesome. 
I listen to different podcasts/motivation videos and that honestly has helped me quite a bit. 
We're all warriors, but sometimes our visions get clouded, our goals . 
Get rid of the noise. Don't listen to debbie-downers..
Don't let this betrayal define you negatively. Let it make you a bad ass and rise. For your daughter. You have the power. It's in ALL of us. ALL of us. 

Listen to stuff like this. Listen to other stuff too. Search it. Thirst for it. https://open.spotify.com/episode/57vHEIt6eh4XYgv1ZNAxJg?si=54vj-
U7UQA6AYk49wdoteQ&utm_source=copy-link

Be your daughter's rock. Be your own rock. All praise be to the Almighty. With Him, we are unstoppable. 

Stay humble. Stay strong. It's OK to get sad occasionally but get back up, kick your problems in the balls and keep going. Show your daughter how to be strong, hopefully she never has to go thru what you're going thru, but if she does, dad's got her back because you've walked thru the fire.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

uwe.blab said:


> Can you talk about what it means and how it relates?


Look up the quote and you can figure it out from there. OP is trying to do it all by himself and is in grief for why do bad things happen to good people? There is a plan behind it, accept that it is His will and not yours. There is nothing to be gained from searching for comfort. Search for the Truth, once you discover that, you will find your comfort.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lord, for the first time, I'm lost, I can't find the right words to convey any input for you, other than saying that it hit me hard to read what you have gone through in your life. Some people are not strong enough to endure what you have endure. 

So, all I can say is keep your strength, your faith, and your dignity to help you get back where you want to be emotionally, spirituality, and economically in the union of those that love you.


----------



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

DUDE! I have walked similar steps! I won't bore you with BS, but let me enlighten on something, you 100% DID win here! Because you found your SO cheating and you decided to go grab your balls from her purse, put them back where they belong, and exit left on the pronto. Please go search around this site of how many are like "so my girl cheated, but I am trying to work through it...........". You punted her like a football and you need to OWN that! 

Dudes like this I want to network with. Wish there was a way. I have mechanical skills for days and I am more than willing to help bros. It is a MUCH harder road than women, because literally EVERYONE comes to rescue them. Hell, I would play checkers with the daughter while you go scouting, but I realize everyone makes that weird now. 

Another thing you need to realize is your own daughter picked YOU. Sometimes human instinct is on point. She knows you are the real parent, and what she needs. When you square up with what life brings you, you think about her and what she knows you are dealing with to help her. 

Someone needs to find this dude's location and drop some aid. It makes me puke to see what women get for help, but men get nothing. Hell, even the new interest bugged because they are always looking for that comfy bed, nice home, and 401K. 

Bro, I totally understand where you feel screwed as in "over qualified". You likely ARE that, but grabbing something a little above flipping burgers may have to do for the short term. Suck up some pride, find something less public, tell no one, make some cash while you make a plan. You don't build a business in your teens without smarts and drive. You just need a minute to think. 

What is your skill BTW?


----------

