# Wife is moving out on a "Trial Basis". Has she ever come back?



## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

I just had a conversation with the wife and she wants to move out on a "Trial Basis" to see what she wants. We are still in MC, don't go for another week, but it seems she is unwilling to tell me what she wants. I even asked her if she wants me to love her and she said "I don't know". This has become a common phrase as of late. Whenever she wants to keep something from me or does not want to tell me the truth about something, she uses that phrase.

I love the woman with all of my heart and soul and for her to decide to move out is just killing me. I can only imagine what the kids will say - we have three boys - 17, 9, 2 - when their mother tells them that she is moving out. She has said in the past that they will understand that Mommy has to do something for herself and they will appreciate what she is doing because she is taking care of herself. Of course she is completely ignoring the fact that this will absolutely destroy the kids. They may recover with time, but that scar will be
there for a lifetime.

We are 3+ months removed from the "I Love you but am not In Love with you" discussion where she said she is no longer attracted to men. There has been no infidelity except for an EA by her. I do not believe that is still going on, even though the W wants it to. 

My question to everyone is if anyone has ever come back from the "Trial Basis" separation? Or is it just a segue into making it easier for her to say good riddance? Just a way for her to make herself feel better about splitting up the family? Destroying what we have had for 10 years?

The tears are free flowing right now. Not a good time to be me.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I am so sorry. Please keep posting, you will find a lot of good support here. But for now? Please take care of you, this is a horrible day for you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

trial separation= the freedom to continue her EA without the guilt


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Is she leaving the kids with you?

It's best for the long term if you can emotionally disconnect from her. If she is not willing to work on your marriage, you're probably better off if she leaves. Out of sight, out of mind.


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

I don't think she has any contact with the EA anymore. It was not reciprocal anyway. But I do think there is something to the fact that she wants to get away so she does not have to see me anymore. Out of sight, out of mind is definitely where my head is at. 

She has said she initially wants same time with the kids. Not exactly sure how that will work out. She is moving in with her mom, so there is space for the kids.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

hurtandc0nfused said:


> I don't think she has any contact with the EA anymore. It was not reciprocal anyway. But I do think there is something to the fact that she wants to get away so she does not have to see me anymore. Out of sight, out of mind is definitely where my head is at.
> 
> She has said she initially wants same time with the kids. Not exactly sure how that will work out. She is moving in with her mom, so there is space for the kids.


Hmm. Must be nice to just walk away from everything. 

Her mom advocates this nonsense? Mine wouldn't.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am sorry you are going through this and know that you are not alone.

To answer your question, I have gone through it and just today after about a year of this she put her wedding band back on.

There is hope.

Don't take the EA lightly. I am pretty sure this is where mine disconnected emotionally. Just as damaging as a PA. The emotional disconnect can also come from the support of other that will not challenge the straying and foggy mind of a MLC.

Could she be going through a Mid Life Crisis? Google Mid Life Crisis for dummies and see if she is matching some of it. If she is and you have patience, you can save the marriage, but you need to learn all you can. I highly recommend the book, Divorce Busters. It gave me hope and a reread it many times as the months passed.

Learn the 180 for yourself, be strong, do not beg for it will make you look less attractive.

I wish you well! Hang in there.


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Hmm. Must be nice to just walk away from everything.
> 
> Her mom advocates this nonsense? Mine wouldn't.


Her mom does not advocate it, and in fact thinks the W is out of her mind for even considering it. Her mom thinks that it is just a phase and she will come back. 

I live with that hope that she will come back, but I am also living on the edge of sanity myself with all of this.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

hurtandc0nfused said:


> Her mom does not advocate it, and in fact thinks the W is out of her mind for even considering it. Her mom thinks that it is just a phase and she will come back.
> 
> I live with that hope that she will come back, but I am also living on the edge of sanity myself with all of this.


Well she's letting her stay at her house (mom's). Mine wouldn't want anything to do with that, I'd be on my own. Especially if I had no good reason for being there. 

Has she been in counseling? What does the counselor say?


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Well she's letting her stay at her house (mom's). Mine wouldn't want anything to do with that, I'd be on my own. Especially if I had no good reason for being there.
> 
> Has she been in counseling? What does the counselor say?


She has been in counseling for over a year now. Not sure what the counselor has to say on the issue because the W will not talk to me about it. The most I get is that the session was good. She has been going twice a week for 8 months now. Something tells me if she can't figure out what she wants with the help of a counselor after that long of a time, odds are she never will. 

My mom would not stand for it either. She would say $hit or get off the pot. Make a decision and stand by that decision.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Mom is an enabler. No way should she let her move back in. Not under these circumstances. She's a grown up now and if she wants to move out she should have to do it the hard way.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Easy for me to say but it is unclear to me how she can work on the marriage while she is gone. But a trial separation is about leaving and not coming back. 

Not a fan of separations. Very often it is about isolating the spouse and starting the single life.

What boundaries would be in place? Would she be free to live a s a single person and she may decide that she wants to come back? How long do you wait? Why would you wait? 

Hard to tell but there may be some real secrets she has from you. You say she was in an EA. It may or may not have ended. She may want to revive it. It may have been more than that or they may be more parties involved. Total speculation here, but her secrecy would bother me no end.

Who finances this? Do you each make about half the money?

Is there an advantage for her to be separated as opposed to a divorce?

Why is she in such a hurry to leave? Personally I would start moving ahead with the divorce if she is going to leave. I doubt that reduces the actual change of her coming back. Just my opinion.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

hurtandc0nfused said:


> Her mom does not advocate it, and in fact thinks the W is out of her mind for even considering it. Her mom thinks that it is just a phase and she will come back.
> 
> I live with that hope that she will come back, but I am also living on the edge of sanity myself with all of this.


Sounds like a MLC. If you can be strong you will have the best chance.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If she was in an EA, and now wants to move out, I would think she wants to have it a PA....without you around.

Trial for what? Single-life...which is what she'll be 'trying'.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

hurtandc0nfused said:


> She has been in counseling for over a year now. Not sure what the counselor has to say on the issue because the W will not talk to me about it. The most I get is that the session was good. She has been going twice a week for 8 months now. Something tells me if she can't figure out what she wants with the help of a counselor after that long of a time, odds are she never will.
> 
> My mom would not stand for it either. She would say $hit or get off the pot. Make a decision and stand by that decision.


Twice a week, for 8 months, and she still is fence straddling? 

I call BS. 

You know what, I know this is hurting you and not something you want to go through right now, BUT...

You need to stop it. Let her go. Let her get her ass out there in the world where she thinks that grass is greener and let her find out the hard way that it isn't. And I'd go a step further and tell her mother that if she shows no signs of getting her shet together within a month, she needs to put her out too. She doesn't get a free pass to wreak havoc on your family because she suddenly doesn't know what she wants in life. Her bed has been made and she needs to learn to lie in it.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

hurtandc0nfused said:


> Her mom does not advocate it, and in fact thinks the W is out of her mind for even considering it. Her mom thinks that it is just a phase and she will come back.
> 
> I live with that hope that she will come back, but I am also living on the edge of sanity myself with all of this.



It really does sound like midlife crisis, and if there is not an OM there probably soon will be. I've been through the same thing, she's been gone almost a year, contact with the kids is about an hour or two one a week. 

The wives going this often morph into someone you don't recognize, my kids say mine's acting like she's 17. The Om surfaced about six months after she left, but had been behind the scenes a good six months before she left.

With women they say it takes 2-5 years to get through it and it often seems to be a result peri menopause kicking in. Unlike men who go through this, the women seldom come back. I wish I had better news, you best bet now is to do the 180 for your own sanity and be strong for your kids.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Sorry to hear. Trial basis probably means that she gets to act single, without you bugging her about it. I'm always amazed when a mom walks away from her kids like this. 

I'm not saying to file, but you need to at least get with a lawyer ASAP to learn your basic rights. And...document all of this...everything you're doing with/for your kids while your "wife" abandons them.


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Not a fan of separations. Very often it is about isolating the spouse and starting the single life.
> 
> What boundaries would be in place? Would she be free to live a s a single person and she may decide that she wants to come back? How long do you wait? Why would you wait?
> 
> ...


I am not a fan of separations and maybe I am just hanging on to a thread. Want her back too much to make it final. Yes it is enabling a single life for her and yes, her mother is enabling the situation by making it easy. 

I make about twice what she does, but finances are rough right now. Lots of medical bills (shocker here that they are hers), and other school loans and such. The problem with this is when it goes to divorce I am going to get screwed, blued, and tatooed because of making more than her. Alimony and child support will be a big thing - I have already talked to a lawyer. 

I guess I just have the pipe dream of her coming back. Is it a MLC? Maybe.


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Sorry to hear. Trial basis probably means that she gets to act single, without you bugging her about it. I'm always amazed when a mom walks away from her kids like this.
> 
> I'm not saying to file, but you need to at least get with a lawyer ASAP to learn your basic rights. And...document all of this...everything you're doing with/for your kids while your "wife" abandons them.


Checked in with a lawyer two weeks ago. Not pretty for me, especially since she wants the kids half of the time. Because I make more, I am screwed every which way to Sunday.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

hurtandc0nfused said:


> I am not a fan of separations and maybe I am just hanging on to a thread. Want her back too much to make it final. Yes it is enabling a single life for her and yes, her mother is enabling the situation by making it easy.
> 
> I make about twice what she does, but finances are rough right now. Lots of medical bills (shocker here that they are hers), and other school loans and such. The problem with this is when it goes to divorce I am going to get screwed, blued, and tatooed because of making more than her. Alimony and child support will be a big thing - I have already talked to a lawyer.
> 
> I guess I just have the pipe dream of her coming back. Is it a MLC? Maybe.


It wouldn't surprise me if she's talked to a lawyer too, and plans to seperate just to file on YOU in a few months.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

She has been in counseling for a year, and she still will not talk to you about it. I would probably feel differently if she didn't have so much counseling under her belt, but she's given you nothing to indicate that she wants to work on the marriage. Me, I'd tell her that after a year of counseling, and still moving further from the marriage, you've been beat up too much to suffer a greater divide. She either committs to staying with you, and joint counseling, or you'll be honest for her and call her actions what they really are - walking away from the marriage. You'll only be helping her polish up the paperwork, the legal divorce paperwork, to support a year of HER actions that take you two further apart.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

I have a better trial idea - her trying a new counselor. Also, you trying a new lawyer. If she is working, there should not be too much spousal support. There will be childcare, but in a 50/50 split it should not be too onerous.

Some counselors are just enablers and bad. They say what a person wants to hear, so the person keeps coming back. Tell someone to get their head out their ass, and either it works or it doesn't, but in both cases you lose your client.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hurtandc0nfused said:


> I am not a fan of separations and maybe I am just hanging on to a thread. Want her back too much to make it final. Yes it is enabling a single life for her and yes, her mother is enabling the situation by making it easy.
> 
> I make about twice what she does, but finances are rough right now. Lots of medical bills (shocker here that they are hers), and other school loans and such. The problem with this is when it goes to divorce I am going to get screwed, blued, and tatooed because of making more than her. Alimony and child support will be a big thing - I have already talked to a lawyer.
> 
> I guess I just have the pipe dream of her coming back. Is it a MLC? Maybe.


I was actually thnking your best chance to get her back is to start down the divorce route. Just a thought. Making her see this as a very final decision instead of cake eating with you waiting for her to come home.


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

SprucHub said:


> I have a better trial idea - her trying a new counselor. Also, you trying a new lawyer. If she is working, there should not be too much spousal support. There will be childcare, but in a 50/50 split it should not be too onerous.
> 
> Some counselors are just enablers and bad. They say what a person wants to hear, so the person keeps coming back. Tell someone to get their head out their ass, and either it works or it doesn't, but in both cases you lose your client.


I have suggested to her seeing another counselor, but that did not go over well. She says it took her 4 months just to be comfortable enough with this one to open up. She definitely has attachment issues.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

hurtandc0nfused said:


> Her mom thinks that it is just a phase and she will come back.


What about the damage that is done to the kids and you during this "phase"?? 

Seems very selfish to me.. then again, what do I know..:scratchhead:


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

hurtandc0nfused said:


> Checked in with a lawyer two weeks ago. Not pretty for me, especially since she wants the kids half of the time. Because I make more, I am screwed every which way to Sunday.


I would love to get my son half the time. Im sure it wont be easy but you can rise above this situation regardless if you divorce or not. 

There has got to be a better way and that may just include a better woman!! For you and kids!!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

hurtandc0nfused said:


> Checked in with a lawyer two weeks ago. Not pretty for me, especially since she wants the kids half of the time. Because I make more, I am screwed every which way to Sunday.


Yup, you're probably going to hosed with all of the payments. Let that keep you hostage, and she can keep playing "trial basis" as long as she wants. F it, I'd rather pay up and live in a tiny apartment vs. putting up with this disrespectful BS.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

In some states you can sue a third person for helping break up a marriage. Counselors excluded? Hmmmm


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

hurtandc0nfused said:


> Checked in with a lawyer two weeks ago. Not pretty for me, especially since she wants the kids half of the time. Because I make more, I am screwed every which way to Sunday.


This might not be as bad as you think. Half time with the kids is pretty standard. Keep possession of the house for as long as you can. Let her live wherever she wants. No need to finalize things until you have someone else lined up.

Make arrangements with your employer so you can take a more hands on role with your children. Contact their school(s) and doctor(s) and make sure you are in the loop about everything. 

Start doing all this stuff and you will be a happier man. There is a big new world in front of you. Don't feel sorry for yourself


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

Santa said:


> What about the damage that is done to the kids and you during this "phase"??
> 
> Seems very selfish to me.. then again, what do I know..:scratchhead:


I have asked her that very question. She says that one day her kids will think she did the right thing because their mom did something for her. Exactly - selfish. I even told her that one too.


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Make arrangements with your employer so you can take a more hands on role with your children. Contact their school(s) and doctor(s) and make sure you are in the loop about everything.
> 
> Start doing all this stuff and you will be a happier man. There is a big new world in front of you. Don't feel sorry for yourself


Thanks for this tidbit. I did not even think about it. 

Yes, I am trying to think on the positive side, just not a whole lot to be positive about at this point.


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

This is me said:


> In some states you can sue a third person for helping break up a marriage. Counselors excluded? Hmmmm


Not really a shock that counselors are excluded from this. They can go on all day about how you should do this or that, but in the end, nothing rolls back on them.

The funny thing about your quote is that she is actually in school for her masters in....drum role please....Counseling...

I have heard this joke before, to be a counselor, you need to have a counselor yourself...I think there might be something to that.


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