# child birth and childhood abuse, can it lead to a sexless marriage?



## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

My marriage has been in rough shape for some time. wife and I had a falling out about 2 years ago. I worked on my issues, don't know if she has, I kinda doubt it. :-(
While separated, I looked at the big picture of our relationship, I saw good and bad. I also saw where we could 
do better. One of my main concerns is that she physically and emotionally withdrew after we had children.no kissing rarely touched or let me touch above the knees or below the neck. Things have gotten better this year relationship wise and physically, but still nothing heavy.At times I feel like she is a middle school girlfriend. Any advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Postpartum depression perhaps?


Well, back when my eldest son was born, 27 years ago. Our sex life did a nose dive. But it did get back on track in a year or so. Don't know if my wife fell into a depression, but its also a fact that the child will command a large portion of the attention and energy.

Child abuse? You or her?
Now that's a separate issue


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> Postpartum depression perhaps?
> 
> 
> Well, back when my eldest son was born, 27 years ago. Our sex life did a nose dive. But it did get back on track in a year or so. Don't know if my wife fell into a depression, but its also a fact that the child will command a large portion of the attention and energy.
> ...


She was depressed. I did a large portion of the child care. 
She was as a child. Heavily. I am aware of everything that occurred.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Agast84 said:


> She was depressed. I did a large portion of the child care.
> She was as a child. Heavily. I am aware of everything that occurred.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then you better start becoming aware of everything and get her into some therapy or something. Child abuse is going to translate to adult life and they're also at a high risk of infidelity because of all the issues they have due to the abuse.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Agast84 said:


> One of my main concerns is that she physically and emotionally withdrew after we had children.no kissing rarely touched or let me touch above the knees or below the neck. Things have gotten better this year relationship wise and physically, but still nothing heavy.At times I feel like she is a middle school girlfriend. Any advice?


Children are usually the catalyst that causes sexual frequency to take a nosedive. And a temporary nosedive is understandable. A woman's body needs time to heal. Her hormones are out of whack. If she breastfeeds, her hormones actually squelch her normal libido. And the extra work required with motherhood causes exhaustion and stress which usually lead to less sex.

However, all of that should be gradually working itself out within about a year. After a year, you should be back to a reasonable frequency. If you're not, then you need to find the reason. Perhaps she only wanted sex for procreative purposes. Now that she has a child, you have served your purpose. Perhaps her childhood abuse has somehow triggered a sexual aversion in her. Perhaps she is depressed. Perhaps she just resents you for your role in the past marriage problems. Perhaps her hormones didn't revert to normal. Perhaps there is another man in the picture.

A good, standard course of action is to look for a physical reason for her low desire. Have a doctor test her hormones with libido in mind. Next, rule out an affair. These two things make anything you try to do pointless. If her body is fine and no other man is in the picture, then you need to try to identify what her issues are. If it's depression, get her some therapy. Ditto if it's past abuse. If it's you, continue to work on yourself.

Good luck.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Children are usually the catalyst that causes sexual frequency to take a nosedive. And a temporary nosedive is understandable. A woman's body needs time to heal. Her hormones are out of whack. If she breastfeeds, her hormones actually squelch her normal libido. And the extra work required with motherhood causes exhaustion and stress which usually lead to less sex.
> 
> However, all of that should be gradually working itself out within about a year. After a year, you should be back to a reasonable frequency. If you're not, then you need to find the reason. Perhaps she only wanted sex for procreative purposes. Now that she has a child, you have served your purpose. Perhaps her childhood abuse has somehow triggered a sexual aversion in her. Perhaps she is depressed. Perhaps she just resents you for your role in the past marriage problems. Perhaps her hormones didn't revert to normal. Perhaps there is another man in the picture.
> 
> ...


Ruled out the OM. I believe there was and EA going on, but now I see the extent of it as her not giving our relationship proper attention( would make time for going out with her friends all night after working a full shift, would be tired when we had a chance, on her days off, even after a 3hr nap). I believe it is mental, based on things she has said. Part of me wonders if she ever wanted kids though, no matter, she is a good mom.


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