# Married with no intimacy.



## UKinCT (Jul 28, 2020)

I’ve been married now since November 2019, and I’ve only had sex with my wife 3 times.

she sadly lost her parents over the past couple of years, so I’ve been supportive and accepting her wishes. But theses are no sex, no cuddling, more often than not she wants to go to sleep alone. These decisions along with the constant attitude I get are running me down. I use to live in the U.K, but we met, and I moved to America to be with her. I changed my whole life and left friends and family behind for someone who doesn’t want me to touch her. she says with everything happening, she just hasn’t felt in the mood. It took 6 months for us to first have sex once married, but on holidays before when I visited we had sex plenty. then twice a week later. Now I’m back to the cold shoulder and no intimacy.

my problem is I have no one but her here, and she’s not giving me the human contact I need especially now. How long do I let this continue? She’s lost people, so I want to support her, but it’s killing me inside feeling so alone whilst next to someone. Do I look after myself and go back to the uk or live a life with no intimacy so I can be the nice guy who gets walked over?

please someone help


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does she say that her attitude is due to the loss of her parents? This is not normal reaction to grief.

How long do you let this continue? Not one moment longer.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Have you discussed how badly this is making you feel? 
If so, what does she say about how it is affecting you, _her husband. _


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She’s not my wife and it isn’t my life but:

There is a MASSIVE amount of stories here on “talk about marriage” that are just like yours: sexless marriage.

I can tell you without a doubt that the large majority of cases never reach a satisfactory conclusion of sexual satisfaction and happiness. Virtually none.
The odds are not in your favor.
In Vegas the odds would be 50:1 your going to go on being miserable forever.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

UKinCT said:


> please someone help


Hello UKinCT I'm sorry your wife has suffered the loss of her parents, and I am sorry you have had a poor sexual relationship with your wife.

If you're looking for help, I encourage you to continue participate here in this discussion about it.

Have you addressed this disconnect and lack of sharing sex and love with her, beyond she isn't in the mood discussion. Does she know the extent of the hurt and growing distance that you feel?

Does your wife know, that if this continues it will see an end to your marriage? Plus if she knows that, where has that knowledge taken you both?

As to your question on whether you live with this or walk away, it comes down to what you want. You can choose to maintain this marriage without things getting better at the expense of yourself. Or you can set her free, and afford her an opportunity to better reflect on knowing that successful marriages require sufficient sexual intimacy in order to thrive.


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## CharlesClark (Jul 28, 2020)

Hello, Talk to her about it. You should not be unhappy in a marriage. Sex is really important and it is better to get separated than to live together and never be happy. I know that the advice is not that positive, but you have to love yourself also.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

UKinCT said:


> I’ve been married now since November 2019, and I’ve only had sex with my wife 3 times.
> 
> But theses are no sex, no cuddling, more often than not she wants to go to sleep alone. These decisions along with the constant attitude I get are running me down.
> 
> ...


This sounds like simply a dead relationship and that she has no warm or special feelings for you. Sounds like you are simply some kind of friend or just a guy that helps with household expenses and chores and is like an assistant or something. 

The problem here is I don’t think simply ‘talking’ about it will illicit any meaningful solution. 

She put out a time or two where she lets you use her body to get off with while she watches the clock and tells you to hurry up. 

She will also quickly become resentful and bitter if you bring this up more than once every several years. 

This will take a big significant event to wake her up and make her realize the true gravity of the situation. 

My recommendation is to see a divorce lawyer and go over your options and draw up divorce pares and come up with a very workable and realistic divorce plan and plan to move back to the UK and move on with your life. 

Once you have a plan and papers in place, then present her with your concerns and your honest feelings on how she is not desirous if you or if having an intimate life with you and that this is not what you signed up for when you married her and moved to this country. 

Show her the divorce papers and present your potential plans to divorce and return to your native country and ask her in all seriousness if ahe wants to have an intimate life and marriage with you or not. 

Be advised that she may not and she may be fine with divorcing and you returning to UK. 

If that is the case, then you have your answer. 

But if she sincerely does want to remain married and if she does want to have an intimate life with you, you would need to see some serious efffort and heavy lifting on her end including marital counseling or therapy etc.

But I don’t think just bringing up the topic or simply talking to her about it will have much meaningful or lasting effect.

I think she will need to be confronted with a very tangible loss and disruption of her life before she takes it seriously enough to put in any meaningful effort or change.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

At this early in the game, I assure you its not going to get better. Have her served and when its final catch a flight back home. I wouldn't mention to her at all. She'll end doing just enough so you don't leave, get pregnant, then youre tied to this women for ever.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

In many US states, what your wife is doing constitutes abandonment. My advice is, go see a lawyer, find out where you stand. While there are still no kids.

This is not going to get better.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

UKinCT said:


> along with the constant attitude.


I really wish you had elaborated on that because I don't know what you mean. Please tell us about her "constant attitude."

I also would like to know what your and her sexual encounters are like as far as you can tell. Is sex pleasurable for her? Does she orgasm? Does she experiment? Do you take charge in bed? Are you experienced, or is sex relatively new for you?

I'm going to throw some stuff out here just for you to explore and consider.....

What very often happens with newlyweds (or when first living together) is the new hubby feels like he found himself a regular and convenient sexual play toy. Whether he thinks that or not, it's often the way he behaves. He gropes her buttocks and boobs a lot. He walks up behind her and wraps her in his arms wanting sex while she's busy doing other things. He hugs her or kisses her while trying to make each hug and kiss turn into a sexual encounter. Bedtime for him is an opportunity, while she prefers to just go to sleep (could be why she prefers going to bed alone).

Think about how you behaved in the first weeks and months of living together. Think about whether you did these things. If you did, I'm not trying to make you feel self-conscious like you did anything terrible. I'm trying to let you know how these behaviors made her feel. Sometimes, a young woman begins to feel objectified. She feels like her body, her butt, her boobs are hers and not his whenever he feels like groping, grabbing, squeezing, honking, and slapping just because he walked by them. She feels like he just wants her for sex. She begins to feel used. She also starts to feel taken advantage of due to close proximity because surely he didn't have sex so readily available before they began living together, so she feels taken for granted.

All these feelings brought on by his behaviors really turn her off from wanting to have sex. So she starts avoiding him, resenting his advances, and makes all kinds of excuses as to why sex can't happen. I can't say I ever heard the one about losing parents over the last two years before, but I must say it's a mighty good one LOL.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Let's add to that a hypothetical scenario - and I'm just shooting in the dark here - the possibility that you're not very sexually experienced. I don't mean that to have anything to do with the number of sex partners you've had or the number of times you had sex before meeting her. None of that matters although there are an awful lot of guys who think it does matter. Sexually experienced means you know what you're doing and how to do it. It means you're a skillful, confident, considerate, and generous lover. Sexually experienced means you don't just think or hope sex is good for her, but you know for certain that it is because you know how to make it good for her, and you take the time to please her. Otherwise, she begins to realize that, while sex is fun and feels good, it's never going to be satisfying for her. So she loses interest for that reason too.

So, do you or have you ever asked her "Was it good for you?"

The common scenario that I described above often ends up being a trap that the new husband sets himself up for entirely without realizing that he's trapping himself in a kind of sexual hell he can't escape from because it predicates the rest of the marriage unless something occurs that serves to break that cycle. He longs for those early days when sex was frequent and she seemed to want to have sex with him, while she does everything she can to avoid that ever happening again.

"Talk to your wife" is about the only advice ever offered in this type of situation. Other than that, "Leave/divorce" is also what most people are told. You can talk to her, but I've never known talking to do any good. It really just feeds her resentment and confirms her reasons for avoiding sex since talking to her about wanting sex isn't exactly the opposite of all the reasons she has for avoiding it in the first place. Again, I'm just throwing this out there if what I described was the case for you that she doesn't want you to consider her as yours for the asking since you already made her feel like her body is for your use and not her own. Talking to her is effectually saying sex is your right, but she will resent that too. I think the failure comes from most guys not really knowing how to talk with their resentful wife about improving their sex life. Guys often accomplish alienating her more.Even if she initially agrees to participate. It often doesn't last for very long.

I do think you should talk but before the talk, I think there are some very important things you should understand if you don't already.

The first thing is understanding your wife's needs in that hers are very different from yours. She needs you to be attentive and considerate outside the bedroom. She needs to know that you love and value her as a person, not just a sexual object. You can't just tell her you love her. You have to show her your love. She needs to see it and feel it because words are empty without proof. You didn't elaborate on her "constant attitude," but I suspect your wife is displeased about something and while that may not be anything to do with you, it's equally possible it could have a lot to do with you. If she isn't getting what she needs from her husband, she won't appreciate her husband talking about and asking for what he needs.

Spending time with your wife is very important in making her feel valued. I won't try to go into all of the types of things you could/should do but hope you can get creative and also hope you will google for ideas. Weekly dates, for example, can go a long way to improve her demeanor.

In the meanwhile, there is this *36 Questions* experiment that was developed to make people fall in love. It creates a sense of love and closeness and is said to even make total strangers fall in love and feel connected. It's fun, serves to spend quality time together and should help to renew your relationship. This site doesn't note it, but at the end of the Q&A session, you are both instructed to stare into each other's eyes for 4 complete minutes. Blinking is allowed, of course, but neither is allowed to look away until the 4 minutes are up.








The 36 Questions That Can Lead to Love


These 36 questions that lead to love, developed by psychologist Arthur Aron, boost intimacy and result in friendship, romance, even marriage.




www.rd.com





I also suggest reading the book *His Needs, Her Needs*.

The second thing is unless you know a woman's body well and have good techniques for pleasing her, then you can always use some pointers in that department. There are books, videos, and web articles that assist in improving one's lovemaking skills, and there's also *my response in this thread* to help with techniques. Tweak and adjust according to your wife's responses and preferences.

And lastly, how you talk with your wife about improving your sex life is also important. Read Dr. Harley's article on how to negotiate the deal - *The Question Of The Ages: How Can A Husband Receive The Sex He Needs In Marriage?*


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