# Need a woman's perspective



## ConfusedOne13 (Aug 21, 2013)

I am considering divorce from my wife of 9 years and wanted to get a woman's point of view on the matter. My wife is still very much in love with me, but for me there are no feelings there and I am ready to move on. I don't think it's fair to keep stringing her along if I can't reciprocate. She said she doesn't care and will do whatever it takes to keep us together. I'm sure she was saying this out of desperation, but it worries me because it sounds like she is saying she is willing to put up with whatever just to stay together. I don't agree with this--I need to be happy too and can't just stick around because she wants me to. So my question is, would you as a woman who is deeply in love with your husband want him to stay married to you even though he didn't reciprocate the love you give him? Or would you rather him leave you regardless of how much pain it would cause you?


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

Why did you fall out of love? Is it boredom? Is it her behavior or a physical thing? 

Counseling my help answer these questions, and you owe it to your marriage to at least try. Maybe there is a chance to "rekindle" or a chance for the both of you to come to terms with the situation.


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## joygirl (Aug 19, 2013)

You are probably passing through a phase. Give it time and put in some sincere effort to see if the feelings will return.

In the absence of other problems, I personally would not be willing to jump out of my marriage, esp. after 9 years, just because he says he no longer loves me. The love may very well return after some effort on both part.


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## ConfusedOne13 (Aug 21, 2013)

I don't think I ever was "in love", which is where I screwed up. I married my best friend simply because she was my best friend, not because of love. In hindsight, I should have thought about what I was doing because now I am in an unfortunate situation. I don't want to hurt her but at the same time I have to follow my heart which is telling me to get out. We have gone to counseling in the past, but it hasn't helped. Both partners have to want it to work for counseling to help. I have pretty much already checked out.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Someone very wise once told me that the secret to a long marriage is to never fall out of love at the same time.

What have you done to try and get the spark back? You once DID love this woman. What happened?

Ending a marriage isn't something to be done lightly. You owe it to your wife to try your damndest to fix things. Counseling is a good first step, but it takes hard work to keep a marriage strong. 

Get the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and do the exercises. Start dating again. Plan a romantic weekend. WORK at it. Don't just give up.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ConfusedOne13 said:


> I don't think I ever was "in love", which is where I screwed up. I married my best friend simply because she was my best friend, not because of love. In hindsight, I should have thought about what I was doing because now I am in an unfortunate situation. I don't want to hurt her but at the same time I have to follow my heart which is telling me to get out. We have gone to counseling in the past, but it hasn't helped. Both partners have to want it to work for counseling to help. I have pretty much already checked out.


What a horrible way to play with someone elses heart. I really feel for your wife.


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## joygirl (Aug 19, 2013)

How come you were ok with being "married best friends" for 9 years? And suddenly you have this urgent "need" to "follow your heart"?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ConfusedOne13 said:


> So my question is, would you as a woman who is deeply in love with your husband want him to stay married to you even though he didn't reciprocate the love you give him? Or would you rather him leave you regardless of how much pain it would cause you?


I'm very much the sort of person who likes to rip off a band-aid instead of prolonging the agony by gently teasing it off. In other words, I would prefer more pain in the short term, rather than less pain over the long term.

In the sort of situation you describe, if there truly is no hope, I would prefer to divorce as quickly as possible.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'd rather you leave. While that would be painful it would pass. If you stay the pain lingers.


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## ConfusedOne13 (Aug 21, 2013)

I guess I've just reached a tipping point and I can't let any more time pass. I also feel I should make a decision now because my son is still so young and there is at least some hope of him not being adversely affected by process of divorce.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I call B.S. what is the rest of the story. WHO?? Is making you want to leave your best friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedOne13 (Aug 21, 2013)

I swear there is no one else. I'm making this decision to better my life and provide my son with a stable environment free of alcohol and drugs. The substance abuse has eroded away any feelings I had for this person. Period. I didn't want to get into too much detail, but I should mention she also cheated on me. That sure doesn't help the way I feel towards her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ConfusedOne13 said:


> I swear there is no one else. I'm making this decision to better my life and provide my son with a stable environment free of alcohol and drugs. The *substance abuse* has eroded away any feelings I had for this person. Period.


Well it would have been nice to know this was an issue in the first place.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Well it would have been nice to know this was an issue in the first place.


I read his other threads and he never brings it up until later. :scratchhead:

I mean how does it go from "I never loved her" to it's a drug and alcohol problem?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You know.. It's kind of hard to fully empathize with you needing to find your own happiness when 3 posts in you mention substance abuse. That is a whole different ball game and makes your decision to leave even more suspicious.

So are you planning on gaining full custody of your son so his addict of a mother doesn't damage him? What about visitation, will it be supervised?


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## Bored69 (Aug 22, 2013)

Have your feelings changed towards her or have you always felt this way?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ConfusedOne13 said:


> My wife is still very much in love with me.
> 
> She said she doesn't care and will do whatever it takes to keep us together


This can't be true because in your other thread you say she blows a gasket if you are 5 minutes late getting home from work.

Doing 'whatever it takes' means just that WHATEVER it takes to make you want to stay.


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I read his other threads and he never brings it up until later. :scratchhead:
> 
> I mean how does it go from "I never loved her" to it's a drug and alcohol problem?


I agree, interesting that this info is NOW being brought up. 
It brings the creditably of the OP way down. 

You said she was willing to do anything to keep the marriage intact. Doesn't sound like the plea of a substance abuser. 
You do what you have to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I just peeked at your other thread.

I think you have intimacy issues that need work. I think you are searching for something that you will never find. I think you need therapy to discover what holds you back from loving another person. I don't think your should divorce because this issue will come up in any future relationship you enter.

You made a promise and a vow. You promised to love her and keep her and honor her, through sickness and health, your vow did not stipulate...until I get bored with this relationship and want to look for greener pastures with someone more sober. What kind of man are you?

Substance abuse is not something that just appears, your best friend likely always had a penchant for over doing it and perhaps she is an addict but this is something she can heal from. If you take her to rock bottom, which is where she is now.

Therapy and alanon for you, AA for her. Stick to your promise or your word will never mean anything. Show the integrity that good men have.


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