# Long Term Relationship Built On Lies



## sheberiding (Apr 11, 2015)

I have been with my wife since June 1988. We were 21 & 22. We moved in together in May 1990. We got married in 1994 and have two teenaged children. She is a good person but she was always very vague about her exact number of former sex partners but narrowed it to 4ish. Unfortantly for her, she was busted a few times running into guys with me she'd had some form of sexual relation with, so she's been caught in a lies of omission but always downplayed them. Wanting to appear cool and secure, I pretended to be ok eventhough it really hurt me. She is very intelligent and gets the fragile male sex ego. But I have lied too. Basically, when we met I presented myself as a stud with multiple experiencs, but the reality was far from the truth. I had 1 long term long distance relationship with a religious girl who fell in the anything but sex category befor marriage. I had a few other hot petting dates but no sex and I had once with a prostitute because I didn't want to be a virgin anymore. I lied because I was in my early 20s and finally figured out that girls that age liked expierence and cofidence and I was lacking. Also, my friends male and female told me that girls like confident guys with epierience so if you don't have it, pretend to be confident they said. It definitely worked and once I did that I had a lot of chances. I started coming into my own and a lot of ladies expressed interest/desire to sleep with me. Unfortunately or fortunately,I met my partner right at that time (I suppose my fake confidence was a magnate-infact she said it was) she still doesn't know it was an act. I had a chance to sow my wild oats and I gave up the opportunity for a lot of sexual experiences for a relationship with her. I did that I supoose as a result of my core family values which ran opposite of my peers and youth. I have always sort of regretted it. In addition, there were some times when I thought she had cheated on me but I had no proof. I have had the opportunity to cheat on her without her finding out but couldn't go through with it. Some of her omissions were personally embarassing as friends of friends came to parties and it turned out she had done this or that (sex acts) with them. I was teased by my friends which was embarassing for both of us. She tried to revised and edit her past sexual partner numbers but she has always been very shifty about it. I know she is a liar as am I and we deserve each other. Since I lied I basically felt I had no right to complain so although I was hurt I basically just left it and tried to act cool. However over the past 20 years our sexlife has reduced to the point of a sexless marriage. We do it 3-5 times a year max which fits the definition of a sexless marriage. We didn't even have sex on out wedding night. We have gone as long as 18 months without sex. We have discussed it but it always slides back to the low numbers. However, this time I am using a number of books and resources to help and may even see a sex therapist if that doesn't work. She seems to be willing. I haven't told her yet but I am giving this a year and if it doesn't change then I will begin the separation process and end this relationship built in lies. So the lesson here is truth leads to trust trust leads to intimacy and intimacy leads to sex. My marriage is proof that a foundation of lies in a bad way to go.
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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here, married ongoing 35 years. After 25 years of marriage or longer, why are you looking back in the past? Work on your marriage now. You need to see a marriage counselor to work out your problems. I believe that your current problems are fixable unless one or both of you are cheating or have committed some type of criminal act.


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## sheberiding (Apr 11, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> Woman here, married ongoing 35 years. After 25 years of marriage or longer, why are you looking back in the past? Work on your marriage now. You need to see a marriage counselor to work out your problems. I believe that your current problems are fixable unless one or both of you are cheating or have committed some type of criminal act.


criminal act? are you reading the same post? no one is cheating now. I never have never will. she agreed to see a sex therapist.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I see your bluster as very different from her lies. 

You pretended to have more sexual experience than you really did. This does not lead to embarrassing experiences at parties or awkward moments for your wife. You did mislead her but nothing which she might have rejected you for, if she had known the truth. If you had totally confessed everything to her just before you got engaged, what are the chances she would have broken up with you? Pretty much zero, right?

But her lies and her continuing refusal to be honest with you causes you embarrassment and emotional distress. She took from you the ability to make a fully informed decision whether to marry her. She also has put you in some very awkward situations.

I think good MC is needed for you two. Once you get the trust built back up, sex therapy might also be helpful.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Be honest with her from now on. Just sit down and put it all on the table. It will probably inspire her transparency, too.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Thor said:


> I see your bluster as very different from her lies.
> 
> You pretended to have more sexual experience than you really did. This does not lead to embarrassing experiences at parties or awkward moments for your wife. You did mislead her but nothing which she might have rejected you for, if she had known the truth. If you had totally confessed everything to her just before you got engaged, what are the chances she would have broken up with you? Pretty much zero, right?
> 
> ...


I agree that these are troublesome issues but the real issue is the current state of the marriage. Unless you can somehow tie her past deceptions into your current sexless situation, I'm not really sure how it's germane.

Perhaps there is mistrust, bitterness and resentment festering but we don't really have enough information. Do you pursue her and she rejects you or do neither one of you even try?

I can understand possibly feeling deceived but I'm not sure how that is relevant to your marriage's current state. I suppose if things aren't where you'd like them to be on the sex front that you begin to think of all the problems in the marriage, including all past episodes as well. 

I would guess that if you were having regular sex that a lot of these emotions you're feeling might not be as big of a deal but that's just a guess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thor said:


> I see your bluster as very different from her lies.
> 
> You pretended to have more sexual experience than you really did. This does not lead to embarrassing experiences at parties or awkward moments for your wife. You did mislead her but nothing which she might have rejected you for, if she had known the truth. If you had totally confessed everything to her just before you got engaged, what are the chances she would have broken up with you? Pretty much zero, right?
> 
> ...


A lie is a lie. He lied and built a relationship on that lie. She lied too.

There are a good number of people who would end a relationship before marriage if they found out that the fiancé/bf/gf had concocted and lied about some significant part of their life.

He did nothing wrong by not having much of a sexual past before he started dating his wife. But he lied about it.

She did nothing wrong having sex with a some number of people before she stated dating him. But she lied about it.

A lie is a lie. 

I find it very odd that the OP says that people have talked about her sexual past .. friends, family, people they meet who knows where. Really? People do this? I rather doubt it... not many people would bet that rude/inconsiderate.

.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
If I read right, you have been married almost 30 years. I think that almost nothing from before you were married matters now. Instead I think you should concentrate on the issues you have NOW and if and how they can be fixed.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

sheberiding said:


> criminal act? are you reading the same post? no one is cheating now. I never have never will. she agreed to see a sex therapist.


I can see that you don't understand what I mean. It's no wonder that you have a problem communicating with your spouse. Talking to you is like talking to a wall. Best of luck to you.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I can see why you slwpuld be hurt in the situations where friends are making jokes about something they know more about than you. I would be hurt too. I think it's this that makes it a current situation. 

I agree with your statement re truth, trust, intimacy and sex. 

My H was honest with me from early on. He told me he use to have a full blown sexual addiction and saw prostitutes. This was not comfortable for him but he did it anyway and I am glad and I try yo be understanding around all his 12 step recovery stuff and give him that space. If he had come out with it much later or I had his friends approach me at parties to joke about it I would be pretty hurt. (And his friends do not joke about that woth e at parties and if they did I would put them in their place).

I think some mutual honesty would do you both good, if she is willing


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## sheberiding (Apr 11, 2015)

Thor said:


> I see your bluster as very different from her lies.
> 
> You pretended to have more sexual experience than you really did. This does not lead to embarrassing experiences at parties or awkward moments for your wife. You did mislead her but nothing which she might have rejected you for, if she had known the truth. If you had totally confessed everything to her just before you got engaged, what are the chances she would have broken up with you? Pretty much zero, right
> 
> I think good MC is needed for you two. Once you get the trust built back up, sex therapy might also be helpful.


I agree. I am hopeful both will help.


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## sheberiding (Apr 11, 2015)

I find it very odd that the OP says that people have talked about her sexual past .. friends, family, people they meet who knows where. Really? People do this? I rather doubt it... not many people would bet that rude/inconsiderate.

people do this! friends love to gossip.


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## sheberiding (Apr 11, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> I can see that you don't understand what I mean. It's no wonder that you have a problem communicating with your spouse. Talking to you is like talking to a wall. Best of luck to you.


please don't be rude. i was asking for clarification.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I find it very odd that the OP says that people have talked about her sexual past .. friends, family, people they meet who knows where. Really? People do this? I rather doubt it... not many people would bet that rude/inconsiderate.





sheberiding said:


> people do this! friends love to gossip.


I guess I don’t hang out with people who would be so classless as to do this to someone’s spouse. 

Do you get upset with the boorish people who are gossiping to you about your wife? Do you let them know that you will not tolerate their gossip? 

You see, it’s an attack on you and your wife. Anyone who is going up to you and joking around and saying things about you wife is trying to damage your marriage. They know it’s not a joke. These are people who have it out for the two of you. Instead of turning on your wife, how about protecting your marriage and putting an end to their gossiping to you?


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## sheberiding (Apr 11, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I guess I don’t hang out with people who would be so classless as to do this to someone’s spouse.
> 
> Do you get upset with the boorish people who are gossiping to you about your wife? Do you let them know that you will not tolerate their gossip?
> 
> You see, it’s an attack on you and your wife. Anyone who is going up to you and joking around and saying things about you wife is trying to damage your marriage. They know it’s not a joke. These are people who have it out for the two of you. Instead of turning on your wife, how about protecting your marriage and putting an end to their gossiping to you?


Actually, I didn't turn on my wife. I pretended that it didn't bother me even though I was dying inside. I Agree about the boorish people, fortunately most of the joking was behind my back.


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## sheberiding (Apr 11, 2015)

Perhaps there is mistrust, bitterness and resentment festering but we don't really have enough information. Do you pursue her and she rejects you or do neither one of you even try?

I have given up after much rejection.

I can understand possibly feeling deceived but I'm not sure how that is relevant to your marriage's current state. I suppose if things aren't where you'd like them to be on the sex front that you begin to think of all the problems in the marriage, including all past episodes as well. 

Yes!!!

I would guess that if you were having regular sex that a lot of these emotions you're feeling might not be as big of a deal but that's just a guess.[/QUOTE]
Agreed


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Sheberiding:

It sounds like the current sexless state of your marriage has tipped the scales. You've internally established an exit timeline....hoping for change...but deciding to be passive and do nothing? Seems like you're setting yourself up for failure.

It sounds like your lack of intimacy has your grasping at anything (even pre-marriage histories from decades ago) to help support this feeling of resentment and hurt...how's that working for you?

To change this dynamic, you need to talk with your wife... you need to tell her that this lack physical intimacy is depleting your love and connection with her... you and your wife to work together (suggest with a counselor) to restore that intimacy...

Have you ever heard of Marriage Builders? Dr. Harley has some really good books/ marriage courses to help you and your wife restore love and intimacy.

First thing you can start doing, is stop dwelling on the past. It's only being used to build your argument for resentment.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I find it very odd that the OP says that people have talked about her sexual past .. friends, family, people they meet who knows where. Really? People do this? I rather doubt it... not many people would bet that rude/inconsiderate.
> 
> .


You would be surprised. To many it is a good laugh. However, at someone expense. The W in this situation should have asked that kind of talk stop and for good.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

sheberiding said:


> criminal act? are you reading the same post? no one is cheating now. I never have never will. she agreed to see a sex therapist.


OP here what you said in your opening post:

_In addition, there were some times when I thought she had cheated on me but I had no proof._

but you say no one is cheating now
so what. being cheated on is as relevant if it occurred earlier in the marriage as if occurring now; or very nearly so in any case.

how can you just throw that in the mix of 'marital issues' along with all the other stuff. it stands alone as the most seriuous lie of all...if she did in fact cheat. 
I think you should raise your unquelled suspicions with her again. and BTW if she chooses to emphasize that you "have no proof" that she ever cheated....that's a red flag that she did.
If it was me, strong suspicions of past cheating coupled with lack of concrete proof = polygraph. if she refuses you should simply take that as an admission of guilt, and act accordingly


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

If I have missed this and it's already been discussed, I'm sorry. 

I know that you feel your wife has not been honest with you about her past. Have you told her about yours?


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## sheberiding (Apr 11, 2015)

cons said:


> Sheberiding:
> 
> It sounds like the current sexless state of your marriage has tipped the scales. You've internally established an exit timeline....hoping for change...but deciding to be passive and do nothing? Seems like you're setting yourself up for failure.
> 
> ...


Yes


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## sheberiding (Apr 11, 2015)

AlisonBlaire said:


> If I have missed this and it's already been discussed, I'm sorry.
> 
> I know that you feel your wife has not been honest with you about her past. Have you told her about yours?


No. It's embarassing to admit now, however I'm sure every 20 male exaggerates a little. I have no plans to confront on her past either as this would be idiocy after being together as a couple for 26 years and being married for 20.


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