# Hello, over 15 yrs of marriage, few happy ones



## RollDamnTide (Nov 19, 2012)

This feels weird. First post spilling personal information to a bunch of strangers. This internet thing is dandy.

Given we've been together since 1991, I run the risk of digging up too much. Perhaps it's better to wait for questions or see where this thread goes.

Why am I posting? From my point of view, my wife is mildly depressed and thoroughly unmotivated towards anything that is productive. We don’t' disagree. About the only part we disagree on is whether or not it should be brought up.

Primary example: We both say we want children. She is 100+ lbs over weight and has inconsistent cycles and low estrogen(?). She has been told by the gyn that any amount of weight loss would help for that. That was 5 years ago. No loss.

For the first 6 yrs. it was me, worried about not succeeding in career that was putting the kibosh on kids. You would have thought looking back to those days, that she would do anything to have them. Now I suspect it was easier on her for me to be the cause.

She takes 4 weeks to pick out a comforter, 3 years to go from paint samples on the wall to actually painting one room. I was there to help whenever she was ready. And we knocked in out in 2 days, finally. She was taking so long to pick out an armoire for a desktop that’s in a room she hardly uses, that I finally said 2 weeks or I pick one.

She hardly reads anymore. She has no hobby other than TV watching and going out to eat with me. She has always worked outside the home in clerical or restaurant. She stays at entry level but does a good job and is very loyal. She is close to her sister (downs syndrome) who lives with her mom 3 hours away. 

We visit my dad and her family 5 times a year. And she'll go a couple extra times. That's not a big deal but I note it because my wife fills the role of helper much better than partner. I used to really suck as a boyfriend but have always showered her with attention and sporadic support. Now, over the last 6 yrs., I think I've turned into a pretty decent husband. 

If I had to sum up the mistake it would be that I fell in love during the worst times in my life. The person who loves you when you suck may not be the one best suited to thrive with when you get your act together.

Back to the children. I want to have some ultimatum/limit. Aside from the aforementioned working outside the home, she is lazy. She vacuums / dusts once a month. She cleans her bathroom once every two months. She does empty the dishwasher regularly. Otherwise, I do it all. I’m no neat freak and not Mr. Hardworker by any means. I do all the laundry, most of the cooking, every outdoor job, bill paying, communication with outsider contractors, essentially everything other than what I listed for her. And you know what? I'm ok with that, basically. If she were happy and motivated to at least get her butt in gear towards those things she says she wants. 

I had 8 years unhappy at a job. Lol. And that was after watching "Office Space". I regret of course not getting out of there sooner. It was my first real career type job. I under-estimated my inability to deal with the pressure of "being the bread winner”. See above where was hesitant to bring children into the world.

This got way to long.
I am sad about my marriage, while feeling better about myself these days. I thought I had more power over the wife’s motivation (duh). It seemed I got the blame for bad moods back then, at least.

What is my question?
hmm.

I am "against" divorce. I believe in the before God and death do us part. But I am also against having no hope of a happy partnership. 
We tried counseling.


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## stilllookingup (Oct 29, 2012)

Before considering children... if she's 100+ lbs overweight, isn't her health itself in danger? Have you sat down with her and talk about her issue?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I am "against" divorce. I believe in the before God and death do us part. But I am also against having no hope of a happy partnership.


Sorry, Tide, but you CAN'T have it BOTH WAYS. You either believe in/accept divorce as a sometimes necessary fact of life, or you don't. Of course you're "against" divorce...EVERYBODY is! It's NOBODY'S first choice.

You can't be hypocritical about it: you're against divorce (except when YOU'RE unhappy). It's like women who are against abortion (but they'll make an exception for THEIR teenage daughter). Or people who are against guns/hunting, but accept someone's gift of venison. *Decide WHAT EXACTLY you stand for; and what you don't.*

*Once you're clear in your OWN mind, you'll have a better idea of what you ought to do.*

Right now, you're saddled with a wife who is:

Overweight and doing nothing to improve her health (5+ years)
Lazy and poor housekeeper
Indecisive
Underachieving
Undereducated/limited job skills and not interested in improving them
Uninterested in having children/creating a family with you
Not pulling her weight as an equal partner
Uninterested in life (except tv, eating & visiting her family)
Probably depressed and unmedicated
I have to ask, were ALL (or MOST) of these things TRUE ABOUT HER back when she was your girlfriend and you were a self-admitted sucky-boyfriend. Was she BETTER then than she is now, or has she just always been this negative and you were such a mess you didn't notice or didn't care?


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## RollDamnTide (Nov 19, 2012)

stilllookingup said:


> Before considering children... if she's 100+ lbs overweight, isn't her health itself in danger? Have you sat down with her and talk about her issue?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thank you for your reply. It's nice to have concerned folks.

I don't have room to talk, except I have been exercising for 3 years and weight lifting to affect a body composition change. In other words, I need to lose some fat as well but am up and moving regularly. She does go to the doc regularly and so far her blood, pressure and lipids come back ok. It amazes me, honestly. I'm 9" taller and 25 lbs more, to give you an idea.
In short, yes, she knows I care about her health and she knows its not good for her. It's not rational behavior.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> You can't be hypocritical about it: you're against divorce (except when YOU'RE unhappy). [...] *Decide WHAT EXACTLY you stand for; and what you don't.*
> 
> [...]
> I have to ask, were ALL (or MOST) of these things TRUE ABOUT HER back when she was your girlfriend and you were a self-admitted sucky-boyfriend. Was she BETTER then than she is now, or has she just always been this negative and you were such a mess you didn't notice or didn't care?



darn you for making me admit this. 
I used the Quotes on "against" precisely to make the point, as you note, of course we are all against it. After 17 years, I tend to believe, I've stuck it out longer than most would've. On the other hand, my patience is more limited than I had hoped. 

As far as when we first met, the dynamic was vastly different. 

I have to keep editting this because it gets too long.
If I play self counseler, I'll say she regrets letting me treat her like I did back then on one hand. On the other hand, she does not feel worthy of the life she has now. 
She's perfect as a friend when you are bummed out. I fell in love with her when I was not happy. She just never turned the corner with me.

I left out that she is sick so often. She does work in a pediatrician office. But along with bad chest colds 4 to 5 times a year, she also has, rosacia, reflux, and now ibs, apparently. She's been taking prenatal vitamins for 6 years. Just thought I'd theow that in there.

Her mother and father are hard workers.

Now, if you take my marriage one day at a time. I'd say, we get along as long as I avoid expressing myself regarding her lack of ambition etc. We laugh often togther. We have similr beliefs and values, notwithstanding the obvious. I tuck her in every night. Every morning, she kisses me good bye, as I get to sleep in an extra hour. I can't imagine not having her in my life. 

I'll cut myself off there

thank you very much for reading and responding.

ETA:
She was a 135 ish when we met. Size 9, 5' 6". 
She lived at home and was a B student with some A's. Taking some college prep level courses, but struggling in geometry. So, no genius, but not a major slacker. Young and shy. Very pretty and reserved and innocent. Ever since I've known her, being a mother was a high priority. Over time her skin got thicker and then she learned to fight back. At least with me. She still won't express herself to much with others.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

God wants you to he happy and to live your life being true to yourself. You cannot give of your best to others if you are not striving to attain your own happiness. This is not selfishness, it's respecting yourself as you would others.
Have the courage to go with your heart and allow anyone else to make you feel guilty about wanting to live a happy life.
Listen to your heart rather than applying too much 'logical thinking' - you will know the right answer.


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