# Can't win with hubby



## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

A little back ground on my marriage: Hubby and I have been together for 6 years. 4 of which we've been married. As soon as he moved in, sex pretty much stopped. When we were dating (long distance) he couldn't keep his hands off me and I would never have to make the first move. I pleaded and begged and talked and talked and talked and he kept telling me things would change, he'd get better. He's been to the doctor several times..went on depression meds..doctor said it doesn't change sexual desires..then tried viagra..doctor said if you aren't in mood, viagra will do nothing for you and it hasn't. So I stopped begging and pleading and talking and did my best to find something else to keep my mind off it (I'm 45 and have a very very high sexual desire) he btw is 50. So I started rescuing dogs. Became chairman and it keeps me very busy. I work seven days a week with our business (we are home all day together with our business). I also watch 2 babies and do the rescue some evenings but every Saturday and Sunday I work and my husband will to sometimes. The problem is..if I try and get time to myself and do the dog rescue or my ONE friend I have...maybe once if not twice a month wants to go shopping...he gives me twenty questions! Calls me at least five times and if I don't answer...drills me on that! He's suffocating me and I've tried and explained this to him and he doesn't get it..he just gets mad...HELP!!!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening MistyRain
what is good about the relationship? What makes you want to stay?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

misty rain said:


> He's been to the doctor several times..went on depression meds..*doctor said it doesn't change sexual desires*..then tried viagra..


I beg your pardon, but depression meds are oftentimes LIBIDO-KILLERS. I don't know whether or not he was already low-libido before going on the meds, but your doctor is most definitely wrong about this.

He needs to have his testosterone levels checked, and preferably get off the anti-depressants unless he is truly CLINICALLY depressed.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> what is good about the relationship? What makes you want to stay?


Seconded. It does not sound like a relationship worth preserving.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Anti-depressants are definitely libido killers. I don't know of any physicians nor counselors who doesn't know about this. You need to see a marriage counselor as there are other issues that you have addressed as well.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Doctors are idiots. Have his hormones tested. Free Test, Total Test, DHT and Estrodiol at least. Get a full male panel along with CBC. 

Total T must be between 700-900
Free T between 20-25
DHEA 350-490
Estrodiol 20-30

Doctors only get like 4 hours medical school class work in hormones. Meaning they know next to nothing in general about them. 

His ranges MUST be within the above ranges. The doctors will ALWAYS say his levels are normal regardless of actual levels. Get another doctor if he refuses to treat.

Does he go to the gym and lift weights?
That's hugely important for men. Self esteem, and plain old feeling better about everything. Builds confidence. 

Anti-depressants? Ruins lives. Get another doctor. Hurry!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sounds like your sex drives are completely on the opposite ends.

I don't see this marriage working going forward (but that's just me).

YOU have to decide is current situation is something you can live with FOREVER.

I wouldn't....I would drop the last hammer and tell him I'm thinking about divorce as a last warning.

Proceed in a month or 2 if it doesn't improve.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Doctors only get like 4 hours medical school class work in hormones. Meaning *they know next to nothing in general about them.*


Correctamundo!! 4 hours in hormone training, along with the roughly 4 hours of medical classwork they get in nutrition! Which is why, instead of counseling their patients on a healthier lifestyle, they dole out scripts for meds (poison) at the end of a 6-7 minute consultation. (How can you solve a complicated problem in 6-7 minutes?!) I don't mean to bash anyone's profession, but I was married to a doc, I watched how the game is played.



Q tip said:


> Anti-depressants? *Ruins lives.* Get another doctor. Hurry!


Couldn't agree more. Anti-depressants are POWERFUL psychotropic drugs -- don't let anyone tell you otherwise. For the 5% of the population that TRULY needs them, they are probably a lifesaver. For the rest of the people, it is a doc's quick answer to a complicated problem at the end of a 6-7 minute consultation. 

(Before anyone jumps in to lash me, notice I stated that there IS a sub-population that probably really benefits from them. My ex was a neurologist who conducted a 5-year NIH study on the OVERUSE of SSRI anti-depressants)


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening MistyRain
> what is good about the relationship? What makes you want to stay?


Richard - He is good to me. He treats me most times pretty good and is a hard worker. I don't honestly know if it would be enough had I know been in two marriages before. First husband left kids and I for another women and second was extremely abusive.

So I do feel that I have to put up with it and hope that it changes one of these days.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Couldn't agree more. Anti-depressants are POWERFUL psychotropic drugs -- don't let anyone tell you otherwise. For the 5% of the population that TRULY needs them, they are probably a lifesaver. For the rest of the people, it is a doc's quick answer to a complicated problem at the end of a 6-7 minute consultation.


X2

Any doctor that doesn't recommend physical activity or takes a CLOSE look at your diet/evaluates it etc PRIOR to giving you these drugs = worst than a drug dealer/scum.

And yes, finding a great doctor is not easy in this country. They are all profiteers and are in business to make money. 

I see very little morals involved in that, and unfortunately we rely on our doctors to have morals (often they have been educated and steered towards business end unfortunately....that's what our great education institutions do).


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> I beg your pardon, but depression meds are oftentimes LIBIDO-KILLERS. I don't know whether or not he was already low-libido before going on the meds, but your doctor is most definitely wrong about this.
> 
> He needs to have his testosterone levels checked, and preferably get off the anti-depressants unless he is truly CLINICALLY depressed.


He had this problem before he went on depression pills and I would not be able to live with him for sure if he was off them. He walks around all day long with a sour look on his face and just complains about everything. At least on them, he has good days more then bad depression days.


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

Q tip said:


> Doctors are idiots. Have his hormones tested. Free Test, Total Test, DHT and Estrodiol at least. Get a full male panel along with CBC.
> 
> Total T must be between 700-900
> Free T between 20-25
> ...


I've asked him over and over to find another doctor or at least let me find one for him. Nope...he wont do it. 

I've asked him over and over to find a hobby for him to do. Either with a friend or on his own. He wont. I'm feeling very defeated.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Sorry to hear about your issues misty rain, how long has H been on meds? You seem to indicate they are bringing him some stability so a good positive there, has he got other therapy lined up like CBT or other talking type therapy? Has his doctor laid out a sort of care plan where you can hang in there till a review date and then if he had made good progress then maybe you can start to work on the bedroom stuff as a sort of reward for you both for getting through the rough stuff.

I understand it must be a very difficult time for you wanting to support him and be caring but also having your own needs and life so depending on time scale I say you just might have to be the bigger, stronger person here it’s by no means a blank cheque but he can owe you for a bit. Good to hear you stay focused on the positive aspects of relationship. Interesting you should say it was a long distance relationship when I met my H we were in college in 2 separate city went like that for 2 years and only when we were living together did it hit us both that had given us a sort of long honeymoon period. We could only afford to see each other about 1 time a month so it was always sort of a big date nigh for all that time where another couple might see each other 2-3 times a week we realised that took a bit of settling down from.

Hope things improve in the future and by all means update this thread even if it’s only to come on and say I had a bad day and blow off some steam.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He apparently has no interest in changing. Unfortunately. It's possible the thought of you leaving him would wake him up. It does for some. Otherwise, you have to decide if the good in your marriage outweighs the bad enough for you to spend the rest of your life in that situation. Only you know that.


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

BucksBunny said:


> Sorry to hear about your issues misty rain, how long has H been on meds? You seem to indicate they are bringing him some stability so a good positive there, has he got other therapy lined up like CBT or other talking type therapy? Has his doctor laid out a sort of care plan where you can hang in there till a review date and then if he had made good progress then maybe you can start to work on the bedroom stuff as a sort of reward for you both for getting through the rough stuff.
> 
> I understand it must be a very difficult time for you wanting to support him and be caring but also having your own needs and life so depending on time scale I say you just might have to be the bigger, stronger person here it’s by no means a blank cheque but he can owe you for a bit. Good to hear you stay focused on the positive aspects of relationship. Interesting you should say it was a long distance relationship when I met my H we were in college in 2 separate city went like that for 2 years and only when we were living together did it hit us both that had given us a sort of long honeymoon period. We could only afford to see each other about 1 time a month so it was always sort of a big date nigh for all that time where another couple might see each other 2-3 times a week we realised that took a bit of settling down from.
> 
> Hope things improve in the future and by all means update this thread even if it’s only to come on and say I had a bad day and blow off some steam.


Thank you! We lived 1500 miles apart and probably saw each other a couple weekends a month.


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

He had doctors appointment tonight. He told me the doctor said in a week he can get off the wellbutrin if he thinks he's ready. I'm very apprehensive about this because it was a living hell when he was not taking these but the doctor put him on another kind so I don't know. 

I know that no one is perfect and I will never find the perfect man. I just don't know if it's me..am I being to fullish to want a sexual relationship with my husband? I long for this so much and am scared I'm going to look back and it's going to be to late when I decide I can't take it anymore. 

No the doctor hasn't suggested counseling or anything. Also to be fair my husband doesn't feel that many people are right but him. I don't know how truthful he is actually being with the doctor either.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

misty rain said:


> He had doctors appointment tonight. He told me the doctor said in a week he can get off the wellbutrin if he thinks he's ready. I'm very apprehensive about this because it was a living hell when he was not taking these but the doctor put him on another kind so I don't know. .


Is he overweight?
How much physical activity does he do? 
What does he eat?

This is what HE needs to focus on and do best. Eat lots of veggies/fruits/drink water and whole meats (nothing grinded).

Walk/run or play sports on daily basis.

Loss weight if he has to.

If none of the above help, he probably needs the meds. But you would be surprised how huge diet/phsycal activity is when it comes to happiness.



misty rain said:


> I know that no one is perfect and I will never find the perfect man. I just don't know if it's me..am I being to fullish to want a sexual relationship with my husband? I long for this so much and am scared I'm going to look back and it's going to be to late when I decide I can't take it anymore.
> 
> No the doctor hasn't suggested counseling or anything. Also to be fair my husband doesn't feel that many people are right but him. I don't know how truthful he is actually being with the doctor either.


Intimacy is a BASIC HUMAN NEED. Fullish? Not at all, if anything he is being fullish for not fullfilling your needs (he should know what's at stake, you will either find it elsewhere or leave and get what you NEED).

ANY person that thinks they are always right = not a good person to be around or get into relationship with. That's not reasonable or considerate.

Like you said, NO ONE is perfect. And there is no way in hell your husband is (especially based on what you told us)


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

DoF said:


> Is he overweight?
> How much physical activity does he do?
> What does he eat?
> 
> ...



Thank you DOF - No he's not overweight. He eats anything and everything and doesn't gain a pound. He eats lots of junk. I do however make healthy meals for dinner but I've tried to get him to eat healthy and he does eat good food but he will also eat lots of junk.

He works out in our garage and does custom painting and body work. He is out there most days with no mask on. He's been doing body work for many years and painting for about thirty years. He tells me he is working out this way...(most of us know that is not so!)


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

misty rain said:


> Thank you DOF - No he's not overweight. He eats anything and everything and doesn't gain a pound. He eats lots of junk. I do however make healthy meals for dinner but I've tried to get him to eat healthy and he does eat good food but he will also eat lots of junk.
> 
> He works out in our garage and does custom painting and body work. He is out there most days with no mask on. He's been doing body work for many years and painting for about thirty years. He tells me he is working out this way...(most of us know that is not so!)


Other than junk food and no mask, everything sounds good.

I would start with:
a) cut out junk food or minimize it to once a week to start then go to once a month (if depression is an issue).

I don't know about others, but when I eat junk food......within 5-10 min of eating it makes me feel miserable and depressed. Heck how I feel after I eat is how I judge my food quality!!!

And also, I noticed that the misery/depression lasts for about an hour or 2 and I'm hungry AGAIN. Due to the fact that there is no nutrition in the junk food. 

Point of eating is not for taste but to provide valuable nutrition to your body/that your body needs.

This can be a source of his depression (easily).

Funny, our politicians like to paint a picture of "dealing with healthcare issues" when in reality they are not doing ANYTHING...heck they actually WORK for fast food places (if you look at lobby money they get etc). And then there is people, that's where the blame goes first. Let's face it, if people didnt buy this crap, these places wouldn't exist.

America's health issues are only gonna get worst. Mostly because Healthcare is a HUGE business and generates tons of profits. If they make fast food illegal those profits will take a hit.......and our politicians won't get paid from BOTH industries. 

b) No mask is an issue too. I'm a big car guy and has seen my share. HE NEEDS TO WEAR A MASK. These chemicals he sprays are nasty stuff. Forget about depression, we are talking cancer or other health risks. 

Once these 2 are eliminated for MONTHS and he still has depression issues, then yes, he needs the meds.

But without taking these steps I would not recommend depression meds (but keep in mind I'm not a doctor).

These meds are SERIOUS and a big risk to people's health. It should be reserved for ONLY the ones that really/truly need it. 

Most doctors DO NOT follow above and assume "people don't change" or "harm themselves anyways so why not just try this pill".

If it helps, have him read this thread.

Good luck


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

DoF said:


> Other than junk food and no mask, everything sounds good.
> 
> I would start with:
> a) cut out junk food or minimize it to once a week to start then go to once a month (if depression is an issue).
> ...


He would go NUTS if he found out I was talking to anyone about this! I am trying my best to get him to do these things. Like I said..no one can tell him anything. It's very rare he listens to my suggestions.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"He's suffocating me and I've tried and explained this to him and he doesn't get it..he just gets mad."

He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in. You didn't marry him to be a live-in babysitter and that's what you are.

Have you asked him just what he thinks you should do about your sexual desires? Ask him if he thinks you should get a boyfriend to take over his husbandly duties.


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> "He's suffocating me and I've tried and explained this to him and he doesn't get it..he just gets mad."
> 
> He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in. You didn't marry him to be a live-in babysitter and that's what you are.
> 
> Have you asked him just what he thinks you should do about your sexual desires? Ask him if he thinks you should get a boyfriend to take over his husbandly duties.


Oh trust me I have! He says that of coarse he doesn't want that and he will get better...that was 3 years ago and still NO EFFORT on his part!

But he watches me like a hawk...my every move. Every text message I get he tries to look at my phone..every email I type every phone call I get it's twenty questions: who's that? What did they want? What else did they want? On and on and on! *sigh*
I've told him I'm so over this! I found him in the garage one day...(caught him) pleasuring himself. I never go out in the garage and this day I did. It crushed me! I know men and women do that..but the fact that he can't and hasn't touched me in so long...it hurt so bad I can't even tell you.

I'm at my wits end. We own a business together and he is the one guy that has treated my kids (they are adults and we have three Grandkids now) like his own and with respect. Their own dad took off when they were little. So I feel obligated to stay with him because they have been hurt enough with Men. 

Some days I wish he would go out and be with another women...just so I would finally be able to say..I'm done!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It doesn't sound like the third one is the charm, does it?

Just because this is your third marriage, I don't know of any official rule book on marriage that says you have to stay if you feel suffocated.

The one constant in the three marriages is you. JMO, but your husband it strikes me as someone who likes lots of distance. Additionally, there was the thrill of the chase when you were a long-distance romance, and it kept him challenged/interested.

Ever hear the old saying, "familiarity breeds contempt"? My guess is your husband has a strong detached streak. He likes to have his space and lots of it. He doesn't want to be intimate with you, but he has a need for control. And he exerts that control by monitoring you.

Staying because you think you have failed or you'll be a three-time loser is not healthy justification to stay in a marriage. This guy sounds like a flake.

You are sexually deprived, yet he won't let you have a life without hounding you.

Stay if you want, but I'd be out the door in a New York minute. Life is too short.

I'd suggest you look at why you feel the need to marry or what motivates you to marry guys who don't sound well suited to you.

Seriously.


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> It doesn't sound like the third one is the charm, does it?
> 
> Just because this is your third marriage, I don't know of any official rule book on marriage that says you have to stay if you feel suffocated.
> 
> ...



You make a lot of sense. However I don't know about the wanting his space though..it did use to be that way..now I can't get him to do anything without me! 

I know your right about not putting up with it, its like he is good to me in other areas and I don't get it. I honestly don't think he would leave me even if I messed around on him. I just don't know what he wants from me or expects from me!


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Doctors are idiots. Have his hormones tested. Free Test, Total Test, DHT and Estrodiol at least. Get a full male panel along with CBC.
> 
> Total T must be between 700-900
> Free T between 20-25
> ...


Good suggestion but some of those ranges are out of wack.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening misty_rain
Often people don't change. There are many things I love about my wife, but the things I wish would change mostly haven't in the 35 years I've known her. I suspect that there are a lot of things about me that haven't changed either.

If you aren't happy now, don't expect to become happy with him in the future.




misty rain said:


> Richard - He is good to me. He treats me most times pretty good and is a hard worker. I don't honestly know if it would be enough had I know been in two marriages before. First husband left kids and I for another women and second was extremely abusive.
> 
> So I do feel that I have to put up with it and hope that it changes one of these days.


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