# My husband is pulling away



## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

My husband and I have known each other for 22 years. We "dated" for 2 years in school. His family moved away so we lost touch. I found him 14 years later, and within 3 weeks he rode his motorcycle across the country to come back to me. We got married 2 years later and now have a family together. Sounds like a fairy tale, right? Well, it was. We have always had a wonderful relationship. We both deal with depression issues, but it never got in the way of us. Recently (within the past month) that has changed. He started distancing himself from me. He started texting and talking on the phone with one of our female friends.... A lot! When I found out about it and brought it up to him, he stopped immediately. He realized that it was inappropriate and apologized a lot for it. He said that nothing happened between them, and I believe him. He has never given me a reason NOT to believe him. He hasn't had any contact with her since. So, I figured I would just put it behind us and keeping moving on. Things have gotten worse, though. He has been rude and just plain angry. I admit, I did read one of his text conversations with his friend, and I didn't want to read anymore. My gut was telling me that something was up, and I was right. In the text he was talking junk about me and saying that "the honeymoon was over". His friend's reply to this was, "just do what I do with my wife. Tell her together on her knees and suck it". :'(. My husband replied with laughter. I was so hurt and didn't know what to think. Firstly, he has never talked crap about me. His friends always say that he loves me and it makes them sick how sweet he talks about me. Secondly, he would have NEVER allowed someone else to talk about me in such a rude way!!! I don't understand what has happened. We have always treated each other like gold. I didn't tell him that I read the text, but I gave him the chance to come clean about it. I asked him if he ever talks badly about me. He said, "what are you talking about? No! I don't even talk about our problems with people." Ugh!!! I don't know what to do? Why is he pulling away from me? Why is he suddenly treating me like dirt? :'(


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I don't want to concern you unnecessarily, but when my husband started to do this it was the end. He was checking out of the marriage and starting to show me complete disrespect because he just didn't care any more. The things he used to find endearing about me suddenly became irritants and rather than laughing about them with me he just became nasty.

Believe me, we were inseparable and lovey dovey for a lot of years. Everyone thought we were bomb-proof. They were wrong. Trust your gut instinct - you know this man well. I ignored mine and could have got out of the marriage two years earlier had I not chosen to bury my head in the sand. Are you able to talk to him? Unfortunately for me I didn't feel that I could with my ex - maybe I'd left it too late but if I tried to bring it up I was told I was just being ridiculous.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sarahberrycakes said:


> * He said that nothing happened between them, and I believe him. He has never given me a reason NOT to believe him. He hasn't had any contact with her since. **So, I figured I would just put it behind us and keeping moving on. Things have gotten worse, though. *


IMO, you have made two mistakes.

1]You believed him , because "_ he has never given me a reason NOT to believe him_." You basically rewarded him for his bad behaviour with a " get out of jail free" card.

2]You rug swept the entire affair. Yes it was an affair. 
Think, if he talked all that crap about you with his male friend, imagine what he said to her.....
Unless you get to the bottom of this issue, things would only get worse.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You need to insist on marriage Counseling. Let him know that you don't trust him anymore, you don't trust him to be faithful, you don't trust him to put the marriage first and you don't trust him to respect you. His behaviour has led to this.

Also insist on complete transparency - all passwords, all access to phone records etc. 

Let him know you are not sure anymore and he needs to show you that he wants this marriage and he's willing to fight for it and from here on in, he's going to take action that ensures he remains faithful and earns your trust back.


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## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> IMO, you have made two mistakes.
> 
> 1]You believed him , because "_ he has never given me a reason NOT to believe him_." You basically rewarded him for his bad behaviour with a " get out of jail free" card.
> 
> ...



I did give him a get out of jail free card because that was the first time he had ever done anything to hurt me. He classified himself as an ******* for doing it. I know that nothing actually happened between the two of them, but that doesn't change the fact that it was inappropriate and hurtful. He admitted that if they had continued to talk/ text that things could have gone further. He said that he was glad that I found out and brought it up to him. I don't know. I guess I just chose to trust and forgive him.


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## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> You need to insist on marriage Counseling. Let him know that you don't trust him anymore, you don't trust him to be faithful, you don't trust him to put the marriage first and you don't trust him to respect you. His behaviour has led to this.
> 
> Also insist on complete transparency - all passwords, all access to phone records etc.
> 
> Let him know you are not sure anymore and he needs to show you that he wants this marriage and he's willing to fight for it and from here on in, he's going to take action that ensures he remains faithful and earns your trust back.


We did talk about marriage counseling. We have started the process this morning by speaking with a pastor and his wife that we trust. He's willing to go there and put everything out on the table whether it be secrets or not.


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## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

LanieB said:


> I'm pretty sure you don't know the whole truth of what was going on between your husband and this woman. Sounds like classic affair behavior to me - - - and believe me, I have LOTS of experience with the affair behavior. My husband had a year-long affair, and I'm not sure it's over even now.
> 
> You need to dig deeper, but don't let your husband know. Check his phone, check the computer, do everything you can to get some hard evidence, because all your husband is going to do is DENY, DENY, DENY. Apparently constant denial is like a rule for cheaters. My husband never gave me any reason to doubt him either, and then I found out he'd been in love with this other woman for quite some time before I even knew about it.
> 
> ...


I found out about them talking by looking at the phone records. I check them daily, and there is nothing between the two of them. I spoke with her also and let her know how hurt and upset I was about it. She apologized and agreed that it shouldn't have been happening. She, on the other hand, I DO NOT trust. She had many conversations with my husband about things that she's been doing behind her husband's back. She tried to come on to me, and of course, I pushed her off.......literally. She grabbed my breast and tried to kiss me. It didn't work with me, so apparently she was going to try with my husband. If something did actually happen between them, then I will find out if God presents it to me, and we'll deal with it from there.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sarahberrycakes said:


> We did talk about marriage counseling. We have started the process this morning by speaking with a pastor and his wife that we trust. He's willing to go there and put everything out on the table whether it be secrets or not.


Ok then.
You have my best wishes on your counselling.
I know you are hurting, and I pray that you get the answers to heal your hurt.
But remember that this is his faulty, not your.
Don't blame yourself nor accept any blame for his behaviour.


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## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Ok then.
> You have my best wishes on your counselling.
> I know you are hurting, and I pray that you get the answers to heal your hurt.
> But remember that this is his faulty, not your.
> Don't blame yourself nor accept any blame for his behaviour.


Before I found out about their situation, he was blaming a lot of stuff on me. I thought maybe I was acting in ways that I didn't realize. I was starting to think that I was totally crazy. I actually stumbled across the phone records while trying to check out some trouble with my phone. I wasn't searching for wrong-doing. So I believe that God put that there for me. Sean also believes the same way. He said that he felt like God picked him up out of a tornado and placed him down in a safe place. That would be great, if that's all it was.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sarahberrycakes said:


> *Before I found out about their situation, he was blaming a lot of stuff on me. I thought maybe I was acting in ways that I didn't realize. I was starting to think that I was totally crazy. *


 ^^This type of behaviour is normal for cheaters, whenever they are caught.
Its called " gaslighting" designed to make you think that you are not seeing what you are seeing.

Be very careful.


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## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

We talked a lot this evening. He understands why I don't trust him right now, and he isn't blaming me. He offered me his passwords to everything in a very shameful manner, but I couldn't take them. I want to move on from this. I don't want to be stuck in jealous/ untrusting wife mode. He was almost in tears saying that these are his consequences and he deserves it. We are starting marriage counseling in a few days.


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## march16 (Mar 16, 2013)

You may not want to be the jealous/untrusting wife but I really think you should take those passwords and have a thorough look, even though you do not feel like doing it now - sometime in the future you may regret not checking for evidence. I confronted too soon, he has deleted texts and told me I must have read what they said wrong, my gut tells me I was not reading into them wrong, but have no evidence now. Total transparency is necessary for you both to move on - something I wish I had


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## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

I told him to write it down on a paper for me and put it in my top drawer. That way, if I feel like checking it, I can. He did


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Sarahberrycakes said:


> We talked a lot this evening. He understands why I don't trust him right now, and he isn't blaming me. He offered me his passwords to everything in a very shameful manner, but I couldn't take them. I want to move on from this. I don't want to be stuck in jealous/ untrusting wife mode. He was almost in tears saying that these are his consequences and he deserves it. We are starting marriage counseling in a few days.


You want to move on- that's rug sweeping. If you do that you may very well end up in the same place down the road.

He needs to take full responsibility for everything he has done. Take the passwords and give him yours too. Don't have secrets from each other and be open and honest. He needs to have good boundaries and so do you or he may end up cheating again.


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## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

He gave them to me, and he already has mine. I actually have a notebook where all of my passwords are kept so that I don't forget them!  

We are talking about everything. We both know that things are going to come up in counseling. We both want to find who we used to be. We are working toward the same goal. I'm not letting him forget what he's done. I'm letting him get off lightly. I'm just remembering that God wants us to forgive. I can see it on his face when he doesn't think I'm looking. He feels horrible about everything. I'm just praying and trusting that God will see us through this whole situation.


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## sniperghostXD (Apr 2, 2013)

Hi

I think its worth taking a look on his accounts. You're not being untrusting by doing so. I do the same in my hubby's account, and I check his e-mail and social networking account everyday. 
He gave me his passwords and I did the same.


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

Saw this somewhere recently. My wife had most of the signs. Wish I had seen it earlier. 


The following behaviors may indicate that a spouse is in love with someone else, but does not see a way to get out of his or her marriage.

Seems annoyed, frustrated, or unhappy
Quick to display anger, hostility, criticism, and perhaps abuse
Lack of interest in sex or affection
Less intimacy, sharing, talking, and disclosures
May be difficult to start fight with partner, because he or she does not care
Spouse or partner does his or her own thing and becomes indifferent to doing things together
Frequent time out of the house and away from home
May miss or cancel events with you
Little regard for your feelings, wants and concerns
You may feel like you are being avoided, ignored, or dismissed
Will avoid having sex – just goes through motions or lack of interest
Does not respond to “I love you” or other forms of affection
Sudden need for privacy, space, autonomy, or freedom
May fight more over money
Little interest in things around the house
Develops active life outside of home and relationship
Spends a lot of time on the computer, phone, or text messaging
Unavailable, unpredictable, and hard to get a hold of
Erratic changes in work schedule
Sudden change or concern with appearance, interests and hobbies
Forgets anniversaries, birthdays, and special occasions


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## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

He does have some of these things, but they stem from PTSD from war. Sometimes, he feels distant, quickly angered and unhappy. He talks to me about it, though. I understand where he's coming from with those. There is no lack of interest in sexual activity, at all. The only thing that he has away from the house is his band. We're working through things, and since I told him that I was bothered so much by all that has been happening, he has been making sure that he talks to me and shows affection.


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## Sarahberrycakes (Apr 2, 2013)

I told him that I read his text conversation. He wasn't excited about it, but he isn't mad at me. He understood that I was hurt and confused. He said that he probably would have done the same thing. We have set new boundaries with his conversations with his friend. His friend are not allowed at our house or around our kids. He agreed that he won't talk to his friend about me whether it be good, bad or indifferent. I told him that he invited Pat into a negative conversation about me, and he agreed. He apologized and said that he wouldn't do that anymore. I asked him to talk to me if he's mad at me about something. That way, we can work it out instead of bringing other people into it and causing more problems. He's good with that. I do feel like things are getting better. It's amazing wha talking to your spouse will do! Lol


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