# Update to my story - time to move on



## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Time to move to this forum :-(

Brief summary: 
Walkaway wife started planning her exit strategy 5 years ago. 
I have been trying like hell over the past year to save the marriage, but no progress. Wife sat on her hands the whole time. My last child graduated and wifey is ready to make her exit.

The past few years have been long and painfull for me. No affection, no companion, no attention, no love. Living like roommates for the past few years.

I gave her an ultimatum a year ago: either we work on our marriage or we split up. She said she will work on our marriage, but later confessed she did not mean it. She said she told me what I wanted to hear because I could not handle the truth.. WTF. So, I went into depression, went on medication and saw a therapist. The medicine did not help but I am good now.

Been taking care of myself and feel much better these days.

I am ready to move on now and I feel ready. Planning to visit an old friend out of town soon to get some advice. He also divorced recently after a very long marriage. After the visit I will come up with a plan to move on.

Kids are leaving for college in the fall, so I will stay in the house until they leave. Then its time for us to split up. She has made it clear she has zero interest in continuing the marriage.

I will ask her to leave. If she refuses, I will leave. I have decided I will not make an issue of who leaves, mainly for my own peace of mind.

I will not be taken advantage of anymore however, but I do plan to be fair with her. If she decides to get nasty, I will get nasty too. NO MORE MR. NICE GUY. 

Still not sure if I should see a lawyer at this point. The kids are grown and not an issue. Not much equity in the house so no point fighting over it.

We are still cordial, but I can feel the anger deep down starting to surface. So we need to physically separate soon before the love turns into hate.

Its over so the best thing to do is move on with dignity.

I feel like I have finally turned the corner and I am ready to move on. I only hope this is over soon and with as little drama as possible.

I will post updates periodically. Maybe my moving on story will benefit others in a similar situation.

BTY: Its my birthday today..... and yesterday was our 24 anniversary.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm sorry to see it turned out like this Troy. Hopefully things can move in a positive direction for ya, and the turmoil will stop.
Happy Birthday, and many more.
Ive lived like a roommate to my stbxw for too long as well, and yet it took her to have an affair in order for things to get to this point of divorce.
theres gotta be better out there...


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

*Deja Vu! * "The past few years have been long and painfull for me. No affection, no companion, no attention, no love. Living like roommates for the past few years."

Mine lasted 33+ years! My only wish is that I should have done it sooner instead of agonizing for 8 years.

It would be nice if you can have an UNCONTESTED divorce. You need to sit down with your wife and discuss money matters and how you're going to split things up.

Once you've agreed, one of you find a lawyer and have them draft out the divorce with your conditions.

It will be cheaper than fighting it out in court ... under $3,000 and the actual divorce from the time of filing was TWO weeks.

Ex wife and I did exactly that and yes we're still friends. She comes over every once in a while.

I don't know where it goes from here, but right now I need the rest from all the stress.

Good Luck to you


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

happy birthday troy...i know what you mean about the anger, i dont think i will be able to be cordial though if my wife goes through with it ...i dont think i will ever be able to forgive her unfortunately


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

I don't know if I would push for divorce right away. She does not want a divorce for religious reasons (Catholic). So for now I will focus on splitting up and see how it goes.

In time I will file for a divorce. I do not want to continue to be legally attached to her while moving on with my life. I figure once we are no longer living together the divorce should be easier to do.

For most of the past year I have been avoiding home. So I spent most of my time somewhere else when not at work; bars, golf, driving range, friends house, staying out late on weekends. And when at home I spent most of my time upstairs in the game room. I also sleep in the upstairs guest room - seems like I am the guest in my own home that I pay a big fat mortgage for.

But now, I don't plan to do that anymore. I love to stay home and that is what intend to do. I do not like the streets because its dangerous and its only a matter of time before I get in trouble. I am not a street walker, my stbx is. Had a near miss last weekend so even more reason to stay off the streets before its too late.

I will be home allot more now, downstairs, in my kitchen cooking, in my living room watching TV, in my backyard vegetable garden, garage, and spending more time with my kids, who also spend allot of time downstairs. Since she lives downstairs, I will be in her face allot more now so the tension is sure to grow. I have basically been running away from facing her, and the reality of the end of my marriage, but now I will face my reality.
I plan to be cordial and try to be friends. But, I will stand my ground and I will not put up with any BS she sends my way.

Don't know if this is a good idea but I will find our real soon.

I'm tired of running away, so now its time to face the music and start dancing. Lets party!!!


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

troy good luck with that, i think its the right thing to do...i will be doing the same soon..its been a bit delayed as my wife has been ill but in the next 2 weeks i will be starting the move back into my home...

ive decided to just be polite and nothing more, avoid any relationship talks and just focus on the job at hand, finishing the DIY and spending time with the kids...i no longer trust her intentions and so i dont want to be side tracked into making descisions that will delay what seems like the inevitable at the moment

im not looking forwards to it to be honest and it would almost be easier if she does move out, although i dont really want that at the end of the day...but i guess its gotta be done


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

troy:
I have an in-house divorce going on and it is hell. We are in each other's face alot and this makes the going quite painful. 

We haven't really talked about what occurred, just pieces here and there but the wall has been erected between us and I don't know how to tear it down. STBXH bought a motorcycle and has left for 2 weeks at a clip for the last 3 months since this happened. I guess he is running away.

For myself, I joined group therapy, post here, IC and meetings. Does this help? It must because I am functioning but I would have been happy to do MC but that was not an option. Spouse does not know how to handle feelings.

This is one of the hardest periods of my life and I am in the 3 and half month period and the pain is still there.

I wished many times I could go back and fix things but that is just fantasy.

Should I tell him, one day I am civil the next day I install boundaries again? This is to protect myself from the pain.

Good luck to us all!


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Kids got me a cake for my birthday. Got a snarl from the wifey. Oh well... no surprize there, I wan't expecting anything from her anyway.

Watched a movie in the living room with my son last night. Its been a while since I did that and I enjoyed it very much. Son invited the wifey and she came and watched the movie with us, no word from her durinng the movie. When the movie was over I went to bed. Needless to say the tension in the living room was pretty high. 

Let's see what tonight brings. I plan to do some cooking in MY kitchen.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

The sound of SILENCE can be as traumatic as the sound of fighting. Sooner or later one will give in and will want out. It's unavoidable.

The only way to fix either one is by COMMUNICATION, but most are either ONE sided or ends up in a fight.

Neither one solves anything. Failure to communicate CONSTRUCTIVELY will eventually result in a DIVORCE!

Reminds me of a song:

Two broken hearts lonely looking like houses where NOBODY lives. 

Two people each having so much pride inside neither one will forgive.

The angry words spoken in haste, such a waste of two lives.

It's my belief that "PRIDE is the chief cause in the decline in the number of husbands and wives".

How true that is!


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> It's my belief that "PRIDE is the chief cause in the decline in the number of husbands and wives".


This has some relevance for her. Even if she wanted to stay with me, her pride will never let it happen. I cannot remember her ever saying she was sorry for anything. She has too much false pride to say sorry. This is just an example.

I aplogized to her for my misdeeds, and I forgave her for hers.
I am not letting my pride end my marriage. Unfortunately its not up to me only.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

troy, my stbx is the same. In 36 years I think I remember her saying I'm sorry twice. I was always the one trying to keep the relationship calm. Don't know now why I even bothered but I guess hind sight is 20/20. IMHO, it's that false pride and not being able to admit to being human and having faults that finished us. She could never open up to me, and I in return reciprocated by staying away from her so that I would not be disappointed by it. Just my observation of part of our demise.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> She could never open up to me
> 
> 
> > I can definately relate to this. My stbxw has ALWAYS kept herself at a distance from; I really dont know why to this day and probably never will. Maybe its a way of controlling me. Staying at a distance caused me to constantly try please her to bring her closer to me, but she never got close. If that was the game she was playing, I lost from the word - go.
> ...


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Man, I will pray for you. I hope we can one day look back at this and realize that it was all part of our learning journey through life. I certainly know I learned from this. I will know next time to date someone for a long time before making a serious marriage commitment, that way I can gauge to see if that person is a very warm compassionate close person, or if she becomes a bit distant after awhile - don't want to go through this ever again! That is, if I ever commit again; I have to learn to trust again and that could take a time - which I don;t have a whole lot of.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Man, I will pray for you. I hope we can one day look back at this and realize that it was all part of our learning journey through life. I certainly know I learned from this. I will know next time to date someone for a long time before making a serious marriage commitment, that way I can gauge to see if that person is a very warm compassionate close person, or if she becomes a bit distant after awhile - don't want to go through this ever again! That is, if I ever commit again; I have to learn to trust again and that could take a time - which I don;t have a whole lot of.


Sorry to say, but dateing for a long time is no guarantee. I dated my wife for 2 years and lived together for 6 before we got married. I was sure she was the one when we got married because I had plenty time to know her well. The problem is she changed over the years; as do many people. Some people don't change much, but some change in significant ways through the years, and that is an unknown when you make the committment to get married.

The lession I have learned to deal with this situation is: Marriage is a continuous work in progress, and I stress WORK. Its a lifetime of concious effort and awareness in caring and growing your marriage. I did not know this for the past 22 years of my marriage. I took my wife for granted thinking she will never leave me, just like my mom never left my dad. So I did not put any out of the ordinary effort to work on my marriage. I just went on cruise control and lived life as it came. Unfortynately, my wife did not put any effort in working on our marriage either, so its not surprize we are on the verge of walking away from each other. We had many good years, and many bad years, the worst years were the last ones.

I am starting to really feel it now since I decided to face my reality. It's clear our marriage is over and the only thing left to do is bury it, and move on with dignity. Dragging it on while living together is very painful every single day. I'm thinking I should get busy and move out the house asap. She obviously is not in a hurry to move out.

I feel if I stay too long the little love I still have for her will turn into hate, and that will causes life at home to deteriorate rapidly. Just a gut feeling. Its one day at a time for me now, but I think it's time to start making things happen and stop waiting. Thanks for all the support and advice....


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

troy, sorry man. I guess my suggestion came with some haste. I dated my stbxw for almost 6 years before we got married and it took 30+ years of marriage for me to realize the same thing you are talking about. I did not mean to have it appear as if I ran into a quick marriage. Maybe the difference in mine is that we met when we were 14 and we lived 5 hours apart until the day we got married but were dating throughout all that time. So I don't know if really counts as knowing her for 6 years before marriage, or maybe it does. All I know is that like you, I just coasted through the marriage, I feel as if she did to; she never took the initiative to come to me lovingly and let me know that I am taking the marriage for granted; and I want to stress the "lovingly" part, it was usually not very appealing when she addressed that and I clammed up and got defensive. Maybe it was other things, all I know is we grew apart. So, yeah, you are right, you can never know how a person will change after several years. I wonder though, if it makes a difference if we date another divorcee that was left behind if it would be different since you both would bring a wealth of relationship knowledge with you on what mistakes were made and not make them again. My thought is that if we were to marry a single woman who has never been married, would she grow differently in relationship because she would possibly be lacking the experience to right the ship when things start to get stale. Hopefullty it wouldn't come to that again. Just pondering the situation and I can't make a generalization about all single never marrried woman, I am just trying to state a thought I have. I dunno, what do you think. 

Of course, I am not going to run to another long term relationship, that would be masochistic right now.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

brighterlight: People like me and you have grown tremendously through the effort of trying hard to save our marriage. We have learned by talking to people, reading books, trying to change, awareness, TAM, and more. Through this effort we have become better people. Carrying this wealth of knowledge into another relationship can only help to make it better than it would have been without this knowledge.

On the other hand, people like my stbxw who have NOT tried to learn, work, talk, change, etc., to try and save the marriage have little to bring to the table in their next relationship. Basically they will continue from where they left off and get the likely results. The definition of insanity is "doing the same things over and over and expecting different results". If they did not put the time and effort into learning why their first marriage failed, then the 2nd marriage will be doomed as they utter "I do".

Right now the furthest thing from my mind is another relationship. I don't know what the future holds for me, but at 49, time is not on my side. Take care my friend...


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Hey Troy,youmake me feel washed up. I am 55. Where is time for me?:scratchhead:


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

reindeer said:


> Hey Troy,youmake me feel washed up. I am 55. Where is time for me?:scratchhead:


Hey, I am 50. where's the geriatrics ward? :rofl:

Troy, thanks for those kind words. You hit the nail on the head. I don't think my stbxw will change either. It seems like she has blamed most of this on me and when you do that (point the finger at others) without asking yourself why this really happened then I think you are doomed to repeat your mistakes. I can admit my faults in this relationship and can see them clearly. I have already changed so much that the stbx got really ugly with me yesterday telling me that now after all the disagreements I have changed to everything I should have been in the marriage. That if I would have done this sooner, I would not be going through this divorce today and she said it in an ugly condescending way. If you read my posts from last night you can tell I wasn't doing so hot with the nicey nicey. It really hurt me but you know what? I realized right then and there that she hasn't changed. So who is the better off person?


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## SurprisedWife (Jun 15, 2011)

You guys are really hard on yourselves. There's nothing so painful as such a long relationship giong on painfully when you want it to work. know that there is always a bluer sky and the one thing you can guarantee in life is change and embracing it can invite some wonderful things into your life. I'm divorcing myself after 10 years. I had a friend tell me once that there's nothing more lonely than being married and lonely. Well, I've found that out. Just wanted you to know to hang in there and treat yourself well whenever you can and love your kids. There's nothing more you can do but to take care of yourself and be the best you can be for them and you. There's love out there - people that you will click with that will WANT to love you and WANT you as well. I have to believe that myself. 
And I have to say, this website has given me some sanity when I needed it and stopped the crying jags when they come. This is truly a blessing and everyone of you out there are angels to write when troubled people post. Thank you and bless!
SuprisedWife.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

reindeer: 
You are as young as you feel, and I bet you don't look a day over 42. 

SurprisedWife:
I know its a big world out there with lots of women that will be willing to show me the same kind of love I will be willing to show them. The trouble is I have been scarred and I am so afraid of going through this sh*t again. It will be a long time before I feel I will be ready to allow myself to be vulnerable to the pain of lost love.

For now, once I move on, I will focus on what else life has to offer other than a SO. Work, hobbies, friends, travel, extended family.... I feel there too many other wonderful things out there in this world waiting to be experienced. And I would be doing myself a great disservice if I was to forsake these things in favor of rushing into another relationship.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

SurprisedWife, everyone here is different; which is what makes this web site great in my opinion. You get all sorts of points of view and info that you can work with.

I agree with troy that there are so many things out there to do and I will do many on my own first. But only for a little while. I am a little on your side on this; I believe that many if those wonderful things out there can be shared with a SO. I would rather have company on my excursions. This is what I always wanted at my age but my W was more of a be with a lot of people and party person. Dont get me wrong, I enjoy being around friends and family and the occasional club outing (im getting a bit too old for that but wouldnt mind every once in a while). The thing is that I love the outdoors. My stbxw was never much of an outdoor person. I will be selective with my next SO. I want to be able to take her camping, biking, hiking, backpacking, and my favorite, kayaking. I would like her to come out and play golf every now and then. I also still play baseball every week on a team with my two sons and my soninlaw so maybe sitting through a game would not be her cup of tea. Anyway, there hasq to be an outdoor type out there, just dont know if any near my age. LOL. Oh, yeah, and flying in single engine aircraft should'nt scare her off either; i'll be applying for my pilot certification next March.

I guess my point is that I will no longer be satisfied just staying locked indoors all the time. I do enough of that at the office! I now have the oppertunity to do my outdoor activities and find someone who might enjoy some of that. Like you said, embrace life and what it has to offer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

Great posts, but the only thing that bothers me is the one who was caught 'off-guard' by the spouse who wanted 'time apart' is left to ride the emotional rollercoaster..My daughters are only 10 and 12 and let me tell you that it really hurts me when they go places with their mom and her new guy who my 10 yr old over heard her call him (the one) one month after we separated. Personally I have a difficult time knowing she has moved on so quickly yet I cannot even think about having another relationship after 17 yrs of marriage...even though it has been a year since she moved out and I have my daughters more than she does, the quickness with which she moved on has left me shell shocked! I want to believe there can be another but I have a very difficult time having anyone around when my daughters are with me.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

MyTwoGirls I understand exactly where you are coming from that happened to me before and is happening again now. It really hurts. 
My ex has cheated on me, I have no idea of how long his affair has been going on or how serious. This time my daughter is 16 and is able to make her own arrangements to see her dad, so I won’t need to have much contact. Also don’t know if she will meet OW or when.
I am not ready to move on yet. I just think time is ticking away age wise. I want to think about a future, where I will want to meet someone else. 
I know the time is not yet. I am pleased that my husband and daughter have a good relationship. My daughter has been wonderful to me as this whole thing has unfolded. She was angry, but does not see the point in holding on to that. What a mature outlook. My problem is I admit to being jealous of their time together (to myself, not her). It hurts so much, things are very raw right now.


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## SurprisedWife (Jun 15, 2011)

I feel for you, reindeer. When I posted these things..it wasn't to be pedantic or insensitive. I apologize if it came across that way. 
I am in my own living hell that has me on a roller coaster from feeling stupid for staying for 10 years in an almost sexless marriage, to financial fear, to fear for my business since he has been maintaining my servers and my website and could kaibosh them at any time, to him just walking out and leaving me with all the debt, to wanting a true partner and true love in life, not just 75% of a husband. it's so hard and I feel like I was really, really stupid to stay with someone who didn't want me but just coddled me, and lied to me about what the problem was. 
I really appreciate the moments of strength that come and wish they would stay. 
I understand the raw feeling....I can understand your feelings. 
I know we all go at an emotional pace we can handle at the moment.
I also know how much it hurts when your partner has determiend to leave and you had no idea - I saw MyTwoGirls posted that. I am in that same situation. I had no idea he wanted to leave and wasn't attracted to me, like ever. It threw me so hard and still does...it's very painful.
Just wanted to say I'm sorry for being preachy...that's really not what I meant....only to be encouraging. 
thank you, everyone, for your support and thoughts and feelings. I do appreciate it.
Sincerely,
SurprisedWife


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## SurprisedWife (Jun 15, 2011)

Oh, one other thing - does anyone else see their partner being very calm and you're dying inside and you just want to beat the heck out of them because they've progressed so much beyond you emotionally and disconnected that you just want to die? Why couldn't they tell you they were disconnecting so you could at least be at the same pace? It's just so cruel to move on without even giving the person you supposedly loved for years a clue so that they/I could move on as well or at least figure out my feelings. To be hit between the eyes is so painful and crushing. Really, really stinks.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Surprisedwife No offence is taken what so ever. That is why this website is so good, as you get all perspectives. Some days I log on and want to see others going through what I am and need to be sad. other days I look for people who tell you to get you a-- in gear. At the end of the day that is all we can do. 
I did actually look at your story and it does sound very hurtful, and yes it is really bad when your other half is moving on and you are so far behind. You are thinking sensibly.
I know I am well shot of him, but I cannot get my head around the man I thought he was, and the man he in fact is. It makes no sense at all


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> I believe that many if those wonderful things out there can be shared with a SO.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, in fact, IMO most of the wonderful things that life has to offer can only be fully appreciated if you have someone special to share it with. This is in fact one of the reasons why we all had/have a SO in the first place. However, now that I have been snake bitten really bad, I am very hesitant to venture into another relationship any time soon. Deep down though, I would love to find “the one” one day. I dont think I could live alone for the rest of my life.



SurprisedWife said:


> I had no idea he wanted to leave and wasn't attracted to me, like ever.


I suspect my wife was never really attracted to me either. It’s easy to tell from her behavior and the way she has treated me over the years. I asked her this very question recently and she said it was absolutely not true, but I don’t believe her. Someone who is attracted to you will naturally act a certain loving way because of that attraction, and she did not treat me in a loving way at all.



reindeer said:


> Some days I log on and want to see others going through what I am and need to be sad. other days I look for people who tell you to get you a-- in gear.


When someone close to you passes away, you go through a grieving process for a while before moving on and resuming your normal life without that person. Ending a marriage is the same. We will be sad and grieve for the loss, but at some point the grieving must end and you must return to normal life without that person. It is very important to limit the duration of the grieving process. Grieving for too long can easily turn into depression, and then you have another problem to deal with.

I went into depression last year from the pending loss of my marriage. I had to go on medication and see a therapist to get over that phase. Thank god I am over the depression and able to function relatively normally at work, home and elsewhere. Now, I am facing the end of my marriage and I am feeling the same feelings I had when I went into depression. The difference is I recognize what is happening and I will NOT allow myself to go into depression again; she is not worth it.

This is why action will replace worrying this time around. Last night my daughter informed me she was not leaving for college after all. Instead, she will live at home and attend college locally. So, this changes everything in my thought process regarding staying or leaving. My daughter prefers to stay with her mom. She said this a few months back when I was planning to move out. So, either I move out, or my daughter and wife both move out. I don’t want my daughter to suffer because her parents are splitting up, so I will move out. So, the time for talking is over. Now it’s time for actions.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Troy that was an interesting post. I am already on meds, I too tend to suffer with depression, and recognised it was coming on in October. Caused by situation at home. I don't wish to increase the dose at the moment despite feeling so low, as i feel I Need to be able to feel, and think clearly as part of the whole process. I just wish I could be less tearful though as I think my daughter may begin to get tired of it and I am making her stressed too.
I am being active. Case of having to take on extra work as finances strapped right now. It keeps my mind of things, but I also need some time to wallow as well.
Are you ok about moving out, can you afford a decent place. Will you view it a fresh start and a chance to make some individual choices. I wish you well.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

reindeer said:


> Troy that was an interesting post. I am already on meds, I too tend to suffer with depression, and recognised it was coming on in October. Caused by situation at home. I don't wish to increase the dose at the moment despite feeling so low, as i feel I Need to be able to feel, and think clearly as part of the whole process. I just wish I could be less tearful though as I think my daughter may begin to get tired of it and I am making her stressed too.
> I am being active. Case of having to take on extra work as finances strapped right now. It keeps my mind of things, but I also need some time to wallow as well.
> Are you ok about moving out, can you afford a decent place. Will you view it a fresh start and a chance to make some individual choices. I wish you well.


Okay to wallow, but not for too long especially since you are dealing with depression. For me; been there done that, didn't like it, not planning to go back. I recognize I am at risk of relapsing back into depression. My solution to avoiding depression is to do the obvious as much as possible. Take action, dont' dwell on my problems, exercise, proper eating, talk to family and friends, recreations, do fun things, work, and anything else that makes me feel better and put a smile on my lips. I know if I allow myself to get down too long I will go into depression again, and as I said before, I will not allow that to happen to me again, she is not worth it.

As for moving out, yes, I feel I am emotionally in a better place than I was before to move on and move out. I can find a decent place to live, and financially I will be okay - not great - but okay. What I am most apprehensive about is living alone. At 49, I have never lived alone a day in my life. Next to this, being lonely is my next biggest fear. But, I have decided that I have suffered enough and its time to put this chapter of my life behind me so the healing can begin. I cannot begin to heal from these wounds until we are not living under the same roof anymore. I will have to face my fears, like it or not, in order to start the healing. The only way I will know if I can survive this is to do it. So it must be done and shall be done.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

troy said:


> Okay to wallow, but not for too long especially since you are dealing with depression. For me; been there done that, didn't like it, not planning to go back. I recognize I am at risk of relapsing back into depression. My solution to avoiding depression is to do the obvious as much as possible. Take action, dont' dwell on my problems, exercise, proper eating, talk to family and friends, recreations, do fun things, work, and anything else that makes me feel better and put a smile on my lips. I know if I allow myself to get down too long I will go into depression again, and as I said before, I will not allow that to happen to me again, she is not worth it.
> 
> As for moving out, yes, I feel I am emotionally in a better place than I was before to move on and move out. I can find a decent place to live, and financially I will be okay - not great - but okay. What I am most apprehensive about is living alone. At 49, I have never lived alone a day in my life. Next to this, being lonely is my next biggest fear. But, I have decided that I have suffered enough and its time to put this chapter of my life behind me so the healing can begin. I cannot begin to heal from these wounds until we are not living under the same roof anymore. I will have to face my fears, like it or not, in order to start the healing. The only way I will know if I can survive this is to do it. So it must be done and shall be done.


Troy, what can I say other than I am 50 and have never been alone in my life either. I am in an in-house separation and am trying to get out asap. Sound familiar? Yes, I agree with everyting you said here. Thanks for posting it.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I can imagine you are afraid of being alone. However it must be difficult for you right now, as I read on another post that you were leaving work, and wondering what greeting you would get when you arrived home. At least you won’t have that to think about. Also you can go out, if you get fed up on your own. You sound as if you plan to be active.

When I was last separated 12 years ago my daughter was young. Once she went to bed, I had every evening pretty lonely. I grew to like my space actually, but sometimes just needed to get out. Many single parents posting here can’t have that option. Even just going for a walk. Just put some time to making plans of things you enjoy yourself. It will be strange, but I think you will come to like it. I always said if I met someone else, I would love a lasting relationship, with sleepovers, but to remain in my home, and him in his, as I did love being without a live in partner. But I reconciled with my husband.
Continue to think positive! :smthumbup:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Ugh, the stories.... We all could have written them ourselves.Just change a few details.

Correct me if I am wrong, Brighterlight, Troy are BS male w cold distance wife's. Not reaching out. I'm a BS female ,now a cold distance wife. Why are we like this? Because no matter what side one finds themselves on, an affair makes us all ugly.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

Surprised, your description is exactly mine. My H tells me that he started IC last August, didn't tell me he was thnking about our marriage until I finally pushed him in December. He is too calm about what is going on. He is also on a lot of meds, so that may be part of it. I wake up every day with an elephant sitting on my chest, get up and do what I need to do, but as soon as I can, I am back in bed. It is a beautiful day here, 10 am, and I can't ven think about getting out. H may be coming here today, he usually cuts the grass on the weekends. I haven't seen him since last Sunday, can't believe it has been a week. I am also trying tohold it together for my sons, who haven't seen me for the wreck I am. Totally got hit between the eyes, only it feels like I got hit between the ribs, right over my heart


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

sammy3: In my case I feel I was more blindsided than betrayed by my wife. No affair that I know of - not saying that there isnt.

I feel my wife started disconnecting years ago. At some point she decided she did not want to be married to me anymore, but instead of just coming out and saying so, she took the indirect approach. She took a look in the future and found the right time to leave me. That time is now. Its when the kids finished school and they can pretty much take care of themselves. In the meantime, she "tolerated" me over the years until the day came to make her exit.

The result was the distance and coldness SLOWLY grew over the years until we became like strangers living in the same house. That is where we are today.

I feel hurt the most not because she wants to leave me, but because she knew she wanted to leave me still chose to put me through the pain of no love, no affection, bad treatment, poor self-esteem, and more, for so many years. When she could have just picked up and leave. I never left because I always loved her and I always had hope that she would come around one day. That day never came..


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

wow Troy, I never thought of it, but perhaps that is what my H was doing. Our eldest is done with college and the youngest has one year left. He really started to pull away when I went back to work full time 4 years ago. He was used to me being available all the time, just worked and went to school part time. I was so looking forward to this time together, we just had a great trip for 10 days when we turned 50 3 years ago, we had a blast together. Then my dad got very sick, his brother died and I got busy at work. We lost touch. But I hoped we could find each other again, not call it the end. How can you give up so easily after 29 years. I do not believe there is someone else, although maybe someone he is interested in. He denies that it has anything to do with another woman, says he just wants to be happy


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes, just that. Many of us fool ourselves into believing that at some point, things will smooth out enough. The kids will be old enough or the kids will be grown or there will be more money or the parents will be squared away or, or, or. But that's not the problem because you and your spouse don't function, regardless of the circumstances. And he or she, if you're waiting for them to come around, well that's not going to happen because they're just miserable and you're miserable and that will never change. 

2 of my three are semi- on their own. I still financially support everyone but at some point, they have to move out and get on with their lives. I can't see my wife 'mothering' them any less though. I'd be surprised if she ever expresses any positive words toward them should they decide to really cut the apron strings, and good lord, girlfriends? She already hates them past present and future. Always will. Treats them all like 10 year olds who have to be mothered. 

So there's not going to be a 'good' time. There's not going to be an event or time or place where we're going to sit back and work on us. For two reasons, 1) because of this I alluded to, and 2) because she doesn't want to. And frankly neither do I. I can't tolerate being 5th, 6th or 7th down her list of things to care about anymore. Work like hell to what? Claw my way up to 3rd place, sometimes? On a good day? Strive to have 12 consecutive hours conflict free where she's not crying or complaining or scolding or nagging or stone cold staring? And I'm sure she has equally valid complaints about me. 

Got to tell you I don't trust her being nice anymore. I'm suspect of it. To me it's a ploy for something. Something as pointless as simply drawing me in to have another argument, another grumble, another venting. So I figure 2 more years where most but not all of my major financial commitments to my 3rd kid are done. We'll argue about how she wants 99% of everything plus support and free health care for everyone for life. And honestly, who cares? Sure, I can come pretty close to agreeing to that. Luckily Alzheimer's runs in my family so with any luck it'll kick in early. By 60 I'll be pooping myself in a home somewhere and she can do whatever it is she wants to do. Probably sit in a dark room complaining how that's harder on her than it is on me.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

RLAD that is the longest post I have ever seen you write since I have been looking, and I know you often write a ’dry’ comment. Your last paragraph made me smile. Your life sounds pretty tough to me, don’t know how you can tolerate staying together for all that time.

Well re MOVING ON. Today has been a bit better. I went to see ‘LIFE IN A DAY’ at the cinema last night, and I really enjoyed it. Then I got thinking about husband and got angry, which made me feel better!?

Went to work this morning to get extra cash to help the separation. Went on to food shop, which I hate. Came back and cut the grass and did the gardening, which I usually love. It did pass the time , but to be honest I am just going through the motions really. It used to be that I took a pride in our home, H would come out with a glass of wine, or a coffee, and he always did the grass. Now it all seems pointless. I keep going as I know it will get better, but I miss him so, and despite everything we did have a lot of fun together. We usually went for a drink or an Indian meal on a Saturday evening, but now I can’t. Can’t afford to do very much at all. I miss companionship. I will keep going hoping things begin to improve more very soon.

Most of all I want to talk to him and tell him how I feel, I am crying now. But I know that everyone on here will tell me that is ‘instant death’, so I won’t. 

What I find so difficult is that my daughter who knows about the lies and cheating still loves him so much. She is wonderful towards me and so helpful and supportive. It is her dad, and she says it seems pointless for me to go on torturing myself, and she can’t see the point in getting angry as it has happened. It is father’s day tomorrow and she will be going to his for dinner. I am jealous again. Mothers should not feel like this I am sure!!!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's a common refrain of the dumped spouse. How can my kids still stand that bastard/tramp/lying scumbag/town mattress/etc etc?

I heard this last night from a friend of my wife who came over to vent about the ex husband SHE dumped. She dumped him so she feels that her kids should too. Which is pretty unfair. Look, he's her dad, always will be, for better or worse. You can escape him but she NEVER can. So cut her some slack on this. Girls worship their dads - maybe a stronger more complex relationship than any other in the world of people. But you shouldn't take it personally like she's taking sides against you. 

The other stuff? Screw it. Get a friendly neighbor to cut your lawn for free or near-free. Call up your friends and DEMAND they come to your house and cook dinner and throw you a cry-on-their-shoulder-party for father's day. Throw darts at a picture of your ex. Go bowling and have too many beers for lunch. Something. 

What else you going to do? Because hand to God, no one will ever feel as sorry for you as you do. Have a good bawl and sell all the jewelery he gave you.

What keeps me going is I'm not a look-back guy. All the horrible things I did and people I hurt and ****ed over and were done TO me are in the past. Apologize sincerely and move forward and drop it. 

To be blunt, one reason we're still together is I can't imagine the horror-show most women would bring with their emotional baggage should I ever decide to leave and start anew in my mid -50's. That luggage better have wheels cause I'm sure as hell not carrying it.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

You are so right, I was laughing outloud when I read all that! My daughter was sitting in the room. I obviously could not read out the first part of your post, but I read the restto her and she thought it was so funny too. I only said I was thinking of selling the jewellery myself yesterday.

You are right about my daughter, I will try to get a grip on it.

Emotional baggage-I agree. Before we separated, I said I was prepared to deal with his crap as there was so much to work for, and we had a history, but anyone else I hitched up with would have to be near perfect, and that would be hard to find! Seems he is not as choosy as me!

Thanks for putting me straight:smthumbup:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Wow, Troy, another reason to fear the future after reconciliation,... I don't want to morph into troy's wife.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sammy3, I'm not quite sure what you meant by BS male. Can you explain a bit? I don't consider myself ugly for her EA/PA; that was entirely her doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

BS= Betrayed Spouse . 

As far as ugly, I mean the affair brings out the ugly side of our personalities that we might not realized we are capable of showing.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Well as far as moving on goes, I feel I have just taken a backward step in my head. 

My daughter just came back from spending father's day with my husband. He has now taken his ring off. I almost took mine off, but decided to leave it on as it wards off people when you go out in to bars etc. Don't feel ready for meeting someone new yet.

We are separated, he is seeing someone else, it was an affair-so why has this upset me so much. I feel very sick now. I still miss him, and have been fighting the urge to ring and speak to him. No way now. Getting up tomorrow seems a daunting prospect, and I am gonna feel very lonely in my bed tonight.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

All the updates are the same. I saw my H for the first time in a week, he came here with the boys to eat dinner after they played golf together. He was very matter of fact, ate quickly, did some chores around the house, cleaned up. I asked him to sit with me for a while and he did but just long enough to be sure that he is going to stay at the house while I am away and for me to find out that he told him Mom today about the D. He said she said too bad,but there is not way that is all she said. He also said he told her not to call me today, on Father's day. He is supposed to tell two male friends of ours tomorrow at his golf league, I will tell their wives too. And I still need to tell my mom and 2 of my sisters. Can't even believe this, there is no reason for all this pain


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

reindeer, 
Im really sorry you're feeling so sad. Try to hang in there.

~sammy


I


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

reindeer said:


> He has now taken his ring off. I almost took mine off, but decided to leave it on as it wards off people when you go out in to bars etc. Don't feel ready for meeting someone new yet.


I took mine off a couple weeks ago. I used to always wear it with pride and never took it off a single day in my 6.5year marriage. Now when I go out I feel when women see no ring they must think I'm just a loser. And its worse when I'm with my son because it feels like they see me as a loser who has also done something wrong.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Lon when I separated before I used to look at almost everyones wedding ring finger to see if they looked happy if they did not wear a ring. However as soon as I was happy again I stopped noticing. The ring thing has huge personal significance for me, but I don't think other people will think I am a looser. I doubt they even notice.

If i saw you I would think well they might be alone, and they look ok:smthumbup:


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## SurprisedWife (Jun 15, 2011)

Hey everyone,
going through much of this myself still living with my spouse. While we did have a 'good' weekend it was a weekend of almost saying good-bye to each other. He'll probably move out the beginning of July. I am lucky that I owned my house before him so I see myself easily living here alone but the feelings now are so sad. I'm having trouble letting go of financial fear even though he says he'll help me now and won't leave me saddled with all of our debt. The hardest part is watching him emotionally distance himself while we still live together. 
I know this is the best thing for both of us but it somehow doesn't really comfort me much. I am looking forward to seeing my therapist for the 2nd time this week.
I still feel like he's emotionally a few steps ahead of me and I am finding that it really hurts. 
Related to rings, I see that other people are going through this, too, and is there some kind of 'divorce etiquette'?
I told him that I think it would be best if we choose a time and each take our rings off so we know one isn't still wearing them. 
I said the same about FB. We'll disconnect at the same time so it doesn't look lop sided or feel hurtful.
The question about it that I keep coming back to is, "what is it about me that kept me in a relationship for 10 years with someone who didn't feel the same?" I know that I do have some responsibility for that to myself, emotionally. That is the hardest part to get over. Stupidity? Was I needy? I was so independent when I met my husband and I know I will be shortly but what was it about me that I didn't see it or it was good enough as it was?
My brother says that's why they say "love is blind" and my dad said he's full of it....no one marries someone they're not attracted to.
I since learned that he's 'attracted' per se, but not like a normal couple. I don't know. Thanks for letting me post. It's nice to see everyone else's posts going through this so I don't feel so alone. Thank you.
SW


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

troy said:


> I don't know if I would push for divorce right away. She does not want a divorce for religious reasons (Catholic). So for now I will focus on splitting up and see how it goes.
> 
> In time I will file for a divorce. I do not want to continue to be legally attached to her while moving on with my life. I figure once we are no longer living together the divorce should be easier to do.
> 
> ...


Troy, we are Catholic too and I still don't know how I will deal with that. It is not an easy position to be in. I think that we started out wanting to be friends and now our relationship is deteriorating. This morning was extremely bad as she is just a bitter person right now. I think we are finished, even as friends. That hurts me more than the divorce itself. Be careful with the inhouse thing, it leaves room for a lot of thinking about regret and resentment.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

reindeer said:


> Well as far as moving on goes, I feel I have just taken a backward step in my head.
> 
> My daughter just came back from spending father's day with my husband. He has now taken his ring off. I almost took mine off, but decided to leave it on as it wards off people when you go out in to bars etc. Don't feel ready for meeting someone new yet.
> 
> We are separated, he is seeing someone else, it was an affair-so why has this upset me so much. I feel very sick now. I still miss him, and have been fighting the urge to ring and speak to him. No way now. Getting up tomorrow seems a daunting prospect, and I am gonna feel very lonely in my bed tonight.


Hang in there reindeer. This is a tough patch to get through, but rest assured you will get through it. Its difficult to deal with all the emotions that hit us at this time. So take it one day at a time and tell yourself this is something you will get through and there are better days ahead waiting to be lived.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Troy, we are Catholic too and I still don't know how I will deal with that. It is not an easy position to be in. I think that we started out wanting to be friends and now our relationship is deteriorating. This morning was extremely bad as she is just a bitter person right now. I think we are finished, even as friends. That hurts me more than the divorce itself. Be careful with the inhouse thing, it leaves room for a lot of thinking about regret and resentment.


We also agreed to be friends and I am trying to play nice these days, but when the difficult talk comes up I doubt the niceness will hold up. I have never looked at her any other way but with love in my eyes. That is slowly changing and I have no idea how I would treat when that loving feeling goes away.
In house separation is really bad because you have to face it every single day. That wears on you really quick and the longer it goes the more worn out you become – speaking from experience here.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Over the weekend I spoke to her about moving out. We had a nice conversation and she was open about how she feels. End result is I am moving out and she will keep the house. I told her I will move out ASAP even before the kids left for college.

Well…. That plan did not last for long. After only a day of letting the idea of moving out sink in, I realized I couldn’t do it. Unfortunately this was not the first time. About 9 months ago I got an apartment and was ready to move out, but the day before moving day I had a panic attack and could not go through with it. I wasn’t ready emotionally. I told her this yesterday, she laughed at me sarcastically, and said I need to get over it and move on… WTF???? I’m sure she sees me as a big wuss, but I am who because I still care so much for her. I’m positive if I did not give a sh*t about her I would act completely different.

Anyway, the new plan is to wait till the kids leave in two months then we will see what who leaves. I am good with this plan and it gives me two more months with my kids before they leave. She is okay with waiting, but I did not say anything about who will leave at that time. She probably assumes it will still be me, but I don’t know if that will be the case at that time.

I told her she is free to leave anytime she wants, but she wants me to leave instead even though she is the one that wants out of the marriage – go figure...

Well… I really don’t know how I would feel about leaving in two months anymore. I started to emotionally detach from her and hopefully time will be on my side and every day that passes will bring further detachment. When the kids are gone, and if she still refuses to leave, I don’t know how far I will be willing to go to stay. If by then my love is replaced with hatred, which could happen, I may just go a lot further that I have been willing to so far to get her out of the house, just because I want to be an a** about it and make her feel some pain for a change. Don’t know how far but I probably won’t be handing over the keys with a smile and well wishes. Who knows??? Only time will tell….


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

troy said:


> We also agreed to be friends and I am trying to play nice these days, but when the difficult talk comes up I doubt the niceness will hold up. I have never looked at her any other way but with love in my eyes. That is slowly changing and I have no idea how I would treat when that loving feeling goes away.
> In house separation is really bad because you have to face it every single day. That wears on you really quick and the longer it goes the more worn out you become – speaking from experience here.


Yes! I am worn out. I, like you, sleep in the upstairs guest room. I also try to stay in game/tv room. AND, I also feel like a visitor in a house I pay for just like her. I on the other hand, have not confined myself to the upstairs. For six weeks I have been spending time in the kitchen, study, living room etc. Hence the worn down. I am also a guy who looked at her with love in my eyes - never could see the vindictive side of her. Until today, she has been relatively easy to tolerate but this morning was a wake up call for me. The things she said to me were so cruel that I think she finally let out what she was really thinking. One more outburst like that and she will be getting the not so peaceful side of me straight away.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

The trouble with me is I have this little problem of emotions controlling me, instead of me controlling my emotions. When the day comes and I have better control over my emotions, things will be much clearer and I will be able to make better decisions. Any suggestions on managing emotions will be appreciated.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I don't know, I don't always manage mine well either. I do however use tbe stop and think strategy. Whenever I find myself gettng to a state where I feel I am losing control, I try to slow my thoughts down a bit. Try to give myself a minute to catch myself, re-evaluate the situation and try to err on the side of peace. It's kind of like typing an email when you are upset. I type it out but don't send it. Then I come back to it after I have calmed down andI reword it until it gets my point across but professionally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Who ever had the affair, and who ever wants the marriage to end, moves out !!!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

sammy3 said:


> Who ever had the affair, and who ever wants the marriage to end, moves out !!!


That's the way I feel about it although some people think their entitled to things. For instance, my stbxw asked for the divorce. But I am sure she would have no trouble saying it was all my fault that made ask for divorce so she would somehow twist it around to justify staying. I have been loyal to her for 36 years. She the only woman Ive ever been with and would have died with, I'll be G***ddamned if I leave the house first!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

I thought I was going to wear my ring a lot longer than I did. I started alternating with another band I had that would look like a wedding ring (trying to phase the process in). I thought seriously, what am I doing. He stopped wearing his rings a long time ago (which he say was because of the nature of his job) which I understood but would say Oh I forgot when he was off. 

I realized I was holding on to that part of my life by wearing my ring because I still wanted to be in the "married club" it was not fair my membership was being cancelled when I wanted to be a lifelong member of this club. I loved being married, being a wife that is one of the best things I was fortunate to experience. Throughout the day I would just stare at it and it make me really sad just feeling like this is not true anymore etc.... A couple of times I wanted to put it back on but I have kept it tucked away in my jewlery box. 

When I realized he was just out living la vida loca going out sleeping around etc.. I had to come to grips with the whole thing. For me, its apart of the moving forward proces. Honestly, it was more hurtful to wear knowing I was fighting a losing battle and we were no more. After we decided to divorce I took it off a couple of months after when I was ready.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> That's the way I feel about it although some people think their entitled to things. For instance, my stbxw asked for the divorce. But I am sure she would have no trouble saying it was all my fault that made ask for divorce so she would somehow twist it around to justify staying. I have been loyal to her for 36 years. She the only woman Ive ever been with and would have died with, I'll be G***ddamned if I leave the house first!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I know deep down she should be the one to leave the house since she is the one leaving the marriage. She hurt me once by leaving me, now she wants hurt me again by asking me to leave the house. I know I am justified in staying, but doing it is the hard part. When the time comes in 2 months I hope I have the conviction you have in staying. I want to stay in my house and move on at my own pace when I am alone in it. She should not dictate to me when I should leave my house. She lost that privilege when she decided to leave our marriage.

I need strength, hopefully I would find it when the kids leave and I don’t have to worry about walking on egg shells because they are in the house.

But believe me, I want her to leave ASAP


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

d1221 said:


> I thought I was going to wear my ring a lot longer than I did. I started alternating with another band I had that would look like a wedding ring (trying to phase the process in). I thought seriously, what am I doing. He stopped wearing his rings a long time ago (which he say was because of the nature of his job) which I understood but would say Oh I forgot when he was off.
> 
> I realized I was holding on to that part of my life by wearing my ring because I still wanted to be in the "married club" it was not fair my membership was being cancelled when I wanted to be a lifelong member of this club. I loved being married, being a wife that is one of the best things I was fortunate to experience. Throughout the day I would just stare at it and it make me really sad just feeling like this is not true anymore etc.... A couple of times I wanted to put it back on but I have kept it tucked away in my jewlery box.
> 
> When I realized he was just out living la vida loca going out sleeping around etc.. I had to come to grips with the whole thing. For me, its apart of the moving forward proces. Honestly, it was more hurtful to wear knowing I was fighting a losing battle and we were no more. After we decided to divorce I took it off a couple of months after when I was ready.



I continued to wear my ring even after she took hers off. I was still holding on to hope. My ring is off now because I am slowing starting to accept that it’s really over and it’s time to let go of hope. It’s time to move on and let go of the emotional attachment.

For me, it is not possible to move on while we are still living together, so I will push for her to leave as soon as the kids are gone. Then and only then I feel I can finally let go of this chapter of my life and move on to the next.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> Who ever had the affair, and who ever wants the marriage to end, moves out !!!


:iagree: :smthumbup:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Troy< 
My son left for university two years ago... I don't call it the empty nest quite yet, as it is more like a revolving door, they come in and out of our life so much during these years. Be on top of freshman year, as they are under a lot of pressure anyway, now put family issue in that mix as well.

As far as housing goes, that is a tough one, as a mom, I would fight my WH tooth or nail keeping my children living w me, especially if that was what the children wanted.

Whether you live there or not, the house is still yours, mostly likely in both names. It may not be possible for you to have the healthiest healing being there anyway. Mentally start to remove yourself. Start gathering your life with answers to the questions on what is the best for you...you cant be there for your kids,even adult kids, if you aren't there for yourself. 

Hang in there Troy, you're not alone in this cesspool of infidelity.

~sammy


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Been drinking a lot the past 2 weeks. It helps to forget about everything for a while, but when I wake up in the morning I feel worse and problems are still there. I fell off the wagon and I am getting back on now. So no more drinking, at least not in excess.

As I said in an earlier post, I tried to move out the house two times in the past year but was not emotionally able to do it. So, this week I will ask her to move out. She said in the past she would move out if I did not. I dont know if she really meant it or not, but I will find out soon.

Another month and the kids will be off to college. There is no reason for us to continue liviing together, so one of us has to leave. If she refuses to leave, I will have to. Some how I feel more ready to leave now than the past two times. I will know when the day comes to leave. 
I have been doing better with looking after myself, and the reality of the end of my marriage is finally sinking in. So maybe that's why I feel ready to move out if that is the only solution. Time will tell....


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

Good lluck Troy, moving out was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and my kids are still small. six and two. My heart goes out to you, dont let the booze take you over. I recently moved out about two weeks ago and I am experiencing alot of depression and sadness over it. I miss my kids and I miss my family. I dont expect pity as this was all my doing, but in the end me moving out hopefully will get us, me and the STBX in a better spot. I can only hope that this all gets easier and my days as well as yours become brighter. God Bless and good luck!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

troy, hang in there man. Stay away from drinking, it will only make you feel more depressed. I have one nightcap every other night and it is relaxing but if you are hooked on alcohol, I would keep that as far away from me as possible. Once you kids are off to college, you will have more time to make the right decision as to who leaves. Is selling your house and both of you leaving an option? I was just wondering because that is what we are trying to do. Not only are we battling a divorce or separation, but we are all also battling this lousy housing market. Murphy's law, when it rains it pours and all the other nonsense crap but it sure is playing a role in our misery. Anyway, stay tough! I know that all in God's time you will be be exactly where you need to be to be happy again.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Brigherlight: I prefer to sell the house then we go our separate ways... But with the housing market the way it is, I dont want to be there for months waiting for it to sell. When I talk to her I would bring up that as an option. Ist choice is she leaves, second choice is to sell the house then both of us leave, last choice is I leave.

Rico: thanks for the support and hang it there yourself. Although I am doing better than 6 months ago, I still have dark days, and that is when the drinking helps me forget. Lately I have turned to sprituality for help. I am taking care of the body with exercise and healthy eating, and the mind with sprituality, friends, family, and you guys.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Troy, man I know what you mean about hanging around for months waiting for the house to sell. We've been in ours in an in-house separation for 3 months now - Whew!! At least we are not at each others throats - that would have made it impossible to stay together. I think we may consider leasing the house if it doesn't sell in the next 3 months. I hate to lease it but it is an option for both of us to be able to move out.


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## marrid4life (May 31, 2011)

SurprisedWife said:


> Oh, one other thing - does anyone else see their partner being very calm and you're dying inside and you just want to beat the heck out of them because they've progressed so much beyond you emotionally and disconnected that you just want to die? Why couldn't they tell you they were disconnecting so you could at least be at the same pace? It's just so cruel to move on without even giving the person you supposedly loved for years a clue so that they/I could move on as well or at least figure out my feelings. To be hit between the eyes is so painful and crushing. Really, really stinks.


Yes that one i feel that way, well i do believe in karma cos it happened to me one day. So my stbxw will get hers one cold winters night, but i don't wish it on her the big G dosnt like that. haha


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Spoke to her last night about moving out again. I admitted my weakness in not being able to move out on more than one ocassion. So, I made it clear to her that one sure way to end this marriage is for her to move out. I told her the kids will be gone by the end on next month and there is not reason for us to continue living together, and I do not want to continue to live with her any longer. So, I asked her to move out when the kids are gone, and I was surprised at her answer. In a low voice, almost mumbling, she said "YES", she will move out.

My spirit rose immediately. Now I dont know if she really means it or not, but only time will tell. I will leave this alone for now and see what happens. We are starting to separate things like finances, insurance, etc. in anticipation of the split.

I know I am ready now because I feel great today. This is the first time I have felt good knowing a decision has been made to separate. I will know for sure in about 6 weeks. Keeping fingers crossed that the end is near.


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