# My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?



## kicker1982

Hello,

I am new to this blog and would appreciate any advice.
I have been married for close to four years. My wife is a good person that suffers from depression. We have been working to gether to help her cope but it is a battle. She doesnt take medication and frankly I am not sure it really worked. I am constantly on edge around her. I don't want to upset her, set her off. I know before we got married that she was depressed. With my personality I like to help people, fix situations but it seems like she doesnt want help. I am wondering if her depression and her actions, nagging, and fighting with me are because she doesnt want to be with me. _I just want her to be happy and want to be happy too._ Any advice?


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## Earthmother1970

Is she seeing a therapist / counsellor of any sort? Have you considered marriage counselling?


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## kicker1982

Those are good suggestions. We are not currently seeing a therapist. I have suggested that we go and she did not want to. She say a psychologist and all he did was prescribe her some medications that didn't seem to work.


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## Earthmother1970

My son was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and was also prescribed antidepressants, but also had therapy recommended. Pills may help mask the symptoms, but just like my son, your wife seems to need help to work through deeper issues.

Why is she opposed to seeing a counsellor? Have you considered going to see one on an individual basis yourself?


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## kicker1982

I have considered going to a counselor. I really would like my wife to go with me. Has anyone read the book, "The Five Love Languages"?


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## DB in PA

1. go to the counsler for yourself. Let her know that you are going,when,time,etc. Ask her to go with you. She may not at first, but don't give up

2. Meds can help while the two of you work on the real reasons for the cause.


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## Chopblock

This situation is tough because you knew she was depressed before you married her. Ordinarily I'd say that if you are young, she is probably not worth the effort, and you should try and find someone with whom you are more compatible with.

You are a fixer and she is a problem... you will be working CONSTANTLY and you have no guarantee whatsoever that anything will get better. It would be a shame, 10 years from now for you to be worse off, and wishing you'd left when you have a chance.

If she has already rejected the idea of therapy/counseling, I don't think there is much you can do. You can't force her to get better and you will only waste the best years of your life.

I think the "if you love something let it go and see if it comes back" idea is applicable here. If she doesn't want to be in this marriage, then there is no reason for you to be there either.


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## Ted

My wife had severe depression after we were first married. It was caused by underlying issues from abuse when she grew up. The medicine did help her cope, but they are not "happy pills." That may have been what your wife was expecting. It's my belief that they are more like a crutch to help with the worst of the pain while she deals with the main issues.

So she may want to re-examine medication, but as the others said, counseling is what is really needed.

I agree with DB ...even if she doesn't, you should get counseling for yourself. I know firsthand how exhausting it can be. And it sounds like what you have written that you may be in a Co-Dependent relationship. She is depressed and needs someone to "care" for her. You need to "help people, fix situations," so you are drawn together like magnets. The problem is at some point you will (probably already have) enabled her to continue to be depressed, by taking care of her and not let her face the painful consequences of the depression that will force her to want to change (i.e. dealing with the underlying cause of the depression.)

It's a tough cycle to be in, but by recognizing it, you can take steps to break it. Especially if you guys get in counseling. I wish you the best.


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## Ted

Yes, I've read the 5 love languages and it is a great book. I highly recommend it.


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## Blanca

kicker1982 said:


> _I just want her to be happy and want to be happy too._ Any advice?


My H was like this with me, too. well, fact is most people are like this with depressed people. I get so annoyed with it. How would you feel it someone was constantly trying to change you? If you were constantly made to feel inadequate, you're not happy enough, perky enough, NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I know, I know you think, 'well dont you want to be happy, things could be so much better, dont you want someone to help you?' Not if in the process my H and i just become more miserable. I've never in my life met someone who came out happier after constantly being told that they arent happy enough, that there's something _wrong_ with them, that they need to be someone else, that their life isnt good enough if they dont become someone else. That's a little counterintuitive. And you know the irony of it, half the time you are probably trying to change her, not because you actually want her to be happy, but because you arent happy unless she's happy. You want her to be happy so you can be happy. Not good. I told my H, ya I'm depressed. Its who i am. Im ok with it. stop trying to change me. If you dont like me, leave. Its that simple. 

We also do boundary books together which helps a lot. so far my experience with depression has taught me that even depression can have healthy boundaries.


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## Blue

The type of counselling that will help your wife with her depression is cognitive behaviour therapy. She needs to fix herself before you two can fix the marriage..


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## alwaysthinking

I have dealt with a depressed wife in both of my marriages. I have developed some techniques for compassionately dealing with depression. 
Here's number one; depressed people may resent happy people. Try giving her a call on the phone before you get home in the evening, to assess her mood. If she is depressed, do not come in the door all geared up and excited. If it is a particularly "bad" evening for her, you may even want to front a negative emotion yourself. Try something like "my boss got angry at me for a mistake someone else made" or "I spilled coffee on myself on the way home" or " I stepped in dog poo on my way into work..." If there is a hint of humor, you may be able to lift her out of the mood.

Perhaps the best technique is what I call "something now, something later" This takes a little planning, but its worth it. You will need to take some time and buy some little gifts. I've bought silk flowers, silver charms and necklaces, cool flower pots, stuffed animals, coffee cups, bowls.... Hide them somewhere with some gift bags and cards. In the meantime, be thinking about planning some kind of event with her. Could be a weekend getaway, maybe a daytrip but something special. Anytime she needs a boost, grab one of your cards and gift, and surprise her with it. Later that day, mention that you want to plan a little trip for a weekend a few weeks away. This will give her something to look forward to that really isn't that far away. Keep up this routine as best you can (you can repeat it over and over), but make sure to keep the excitement churning on your event.

I have one more, but I'm out of time.


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## NothingMan

kicker1982 said:


> I have considered going to a counselor. I really would like my wife to go with me. Has anyone read the book, "The Five Love Languages"?


I was conned into reading it. It worked. For her. She got what she wanted out of it and I was left the same before we started it. I recommend starting a fire with it.




John


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## Amplexor

NothingMan said:


> I was conned into reading it. It worked. For her. She got what she wanted out of it and I was left the same before we started it. I recommend starting a fire with it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> John


Sorry it didn’t work out for you John. I read it and it was a tremendous to me and our marriage. I recommend it frequently but like all in life, it doesn’t work for everyone.


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## EternalBacheor

You are what is refered to as a Manipulated Man.

Your wife is using her "state of depression" to take advantage of you and you need to stop putting up with her nonsense. What you view as kindness and loving compassion she views as weakness and as an opportunity for further manipulation.

A Politically Incorrect Statement to Follow:
Deep inside women only respect and love men who they know will not put up with their nonsense. Women can only truly love a man who they have a subtle fear of; a fear of his unpredictability and a fear of his capacity to live happily WITHOUT her.

You are entirely predictable and entirely dependent on her. As you are cowering around like a little scared puppy being "scared to upset her" or "scared to set her off" she is losing respect for you as a man.

Do you want to live the rest of your life playing nursemaid to a manipulative and destructive woman who does not respect you?

Solution:
Give her something to be really depressed about - file for divorce. That's right - get yourself out of this mess. Do not allow yourself to live as a slave...............


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## bpk

Hi, I am new here. Many of these comments hit home. My wife has been depressed on and off for the past 5 years. The last two years have been severe. It stems from a narsistic mother. She is working hard to break the feeling of never being good enough. Various meds and thearpy but its still a tough road. Just wanted thoes in the same position to know others are dealing with this too. Its tough when your wife realizes what she is doing is wrong, but can't help it. Your right, sometimes its easier for me to act depressed or mad at something. It makes her feel better. Its hard when our son wants daddy, and that makes her feel worse. Its this downward spiral. It sucks when your in a fight, and by the end of it she admits your right, then she feels even worse. Its like I just spent 10 minutes making her feel bad, even though it was sparked by something I should be mad about. My advise is two fold. First you have to find a line between helping and enabling. Its easy to take over everything because nothing is getting done, its easy to try to protect your young son, but soon your no longer helping and it just makes them feel worse and you encourage the behavior. My second item is to take care of yourself. I have been burnt out because I spend all my time trying to 'make things better'. The 'tricks' mentioned above with the gifts and trips help (and your completely right about the call to check the mood) but it gets to a point where you get burnt out. I have hope because she is getting the help she needs, and when she is not in a funk, she is the wonderfull woman I married. She is sick, and its my job to see her through this. FYI: most of the depression meds destroyed her ability to have an orgasim. They also make her gain weight. But they are giving her the strength to fight this. We all have our issues. Depression is hard because most don't consider it to be real. (Just start exercising...bla bla bla). Thanks for letting me talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359

> A Politically Incorrect Statement to Follow:
> Deep inside women only respect and love men who they know will not put up with their nonsense. Women can only truly love a man who they have a subtle fear of; a fear of his unpredictability and a fear of his capacity to live happily WITHOUT her.


This statement is counterproductive, illogical, and . . . well, I'll stop there. Mature adults of either sex will love a person who is self-confident and not dependent. Neither will respect a partner who stays in a relationship out of fear of being alone. An adult will respect a partner who is not afraid to walk out if treated disrespectfully. 

Do not assume age is a guarantee of maturity. Many people gain maturity as they age, but not all.


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## tryingtocope24

Try reading "depression fallout" it explains there thinking and what stages you will go thru in dealing witht the depression. I am starting to understand that my wife is now a stranger the real wife is in there but taken over by this new thing.


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## MEM2020

The most amazing jolt to this type of broken pattern is to cut the amount of time you spend together way, way down. Like maybe cut it in half. 

And then you project a positive, happy vibe. If she is negative in any way/angry/hostile/combative - makes critical comments about you simply say "I am sorry you are upset" and then be silent. If she tries to stick to a negative topic to draw you into a negative interaction - just smile - sigh and then tell her you need to go do "something". And make the something constructive. Like work on your car, go to the gym, work on your hobby. Walk the dogs. 

This is the message of "I am not going to fight with you - not gong to be dragged down by you etc." 

And when you come back if she is really angry at you for not being supportive - "repeat the message" - I am sorry you are upset, it is a nice day and I simply am not willing to fight with you. 

Note: You are sorry she is upset. That is an important distinction. It is not you admitting doing anything wrong. It is an expression of sympathy for her being sad/upset. Because I bet this is the OPPOSITE of what you are doing now. And clearly what you are doing now is just making things worse. 

As for sex - forget it until you solve this totally broken emotional state. If you are emotionally strong enough to pull this off she will eventually come to you and ask for sex. It will take less then 30 days. 





kicker1982 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am new to this blog and would appreciate any advice.
> I have been married for close to four years. My wife is a good person that suffers from depression. We have been working to gether to help her cope but it is a battle. She doesnt take medication and frankly I am not sure it really worked. I am constantly on edge around her. I don't want to upset her, set her off. I know before we got married that she was depressed. With my personality I like to help people, fix situations but it seems like she doesnt want help. I am wondering if her depression and her actions, nagging, and fighting with me are because she doesnt want to be with me. _I just want her to be happy and want to be happy too._ Any advice?


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## MEM2020

The 5 love languages provides structure. It does require an application of balls to obtain what you need from a lazy/indifferent partner. 

So if you read the book, listen to what your partner wants more of - allow them to say - after you start doing all this stuff I want - maybe at some undefined future point I will think about your needs - then you will get the doormat treatment you have agreed to. 

If however you say - happy to make an effort - provided I have a firm commitment that you are immediately going to start making an effort as well.... 




NothingMan said:


> I was conned into reading it. It worked. For her. She got what she wanted out of it and I was left the same before we started it. I recommend starting a fire with it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> John


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## themrs

EternalBacheor said:


> You are what is refered to as a Manipulated Man.
> 
> Your wife is using her "state of depression" to take advantage of you and you need to stop putting up with her nonsense. What you view as kindness and loving compassion she views as weakness and as an opportunity for further manipulation.
> 
> A Politically Incorrect Statement to Follow:
> Deep inside women only respect and love men who they know will not put up with their nonsense. Women can only truly love a man who they have a subtle fear of; a fear of his unpredictability and a fear of his capacity to live happily WITHOUT her.
> 
> You are entirely predictable and entirely dependent on her. As you are cowering around like a little scared puppy being "scared to upset her" or "scared to set her off" she is losing respect for you as a man.
> 
> Do you want to live the rest of your life playing nursemaid to a manipulative and destructive woman who does not respect you?
> 
> Solution:
> Give her something to be really depressed about - file for divorce. That's right - get yourself out of this mess. Do not allow yourself to live as a slave...............


While I agree that women only want to be with a man they respect, I do not agree with your solution. The reason being is a truly depressed person will do nothing when threatened with divorce. It won't magically wake them out of their depression. It will most likely cause them to go deeper into it. My mother is clinically depressed and there is nothing we could threaten her with that would make her have a better attitude. She had to come out of the darkness on her own.


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## 63Vino

Wow, lots of good stuff in these posts. I am in a relationship with a woman who fits very well into this behavior. She can be very manipulative and to cut it short, seems very similar to what you described. At times seems she purposely tries to set up circumstances to fight or have me in a situation where I may end the relationship. 
My plan is this: I'm NOT playing psychologist in any way, attempting to determine whether I should be mean, hard, soft, sweet or what women respect and then play some game. My plan is to be very direct, open and honest. That is: Make sure she knows I love her and will be there to help and support however this is conditional with actual and continual steps (therapy) to resolve the issues. Without that, I'm not stcking around for the carnage.

I agree that threatening to leave is not productive.
She needs to feel lilke you are there and you are a life-line.

recognition is a great thing. but after that, not taking action is unacceptable.

Good Luck!!


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## 63Vino

I should add that my lady also leave sme wondering if this is all because she does not have the courage to say she does not want to be with me. Especially in marraige women feel even more stigmatized to cause a divorce so maybe she's doing this to make me the bad guy.
I explained to her that I love her and am here for her and in this my goal is her happiness. If this means she needs to go, I will support that and even help her, happily.

I look at it like this. She can see the life line for what it is and hang on. Admit that she is unhappy with the relatioinship and have my help in moving forward. Or continue to battle it out only to end is a huge mess. Hopefully some logic will prevail. 
To me, it always has to be in support though and not simply ultimatims.

again

good luck!


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## MEM2020

63vino,
You want to know if she wants to be with you. Just steadily increase the priority of other things in your life while slowly but steadily reducing her priority to you. When you are together you are loving and engaged and supportive. Just make yourself less available. And as for her trying to pick a fight - just put it back on her "you seem upset - do you want to tell me what is bothering you?" If she doesn't you can't change that. But you can continue to spend less time with her if she is not going to be nice to you. It really is that simple. 

Threatening a divorce is like dropping a nuke - it leaves scorched earth and solves nothing. BUT steadily de-prioritizing someone who is not being loving to you - that is just common sense and is highly effective. If she loves you - she won't like this and will try to be less difficult. If she doesn't love you - then you will both be happier at a distance. Crowding someone who is not into you, tends to make them irritable/mean. 




63Vino said:


> Wow, lots of good stuff in these posts. I am in a relationship with a woman who fits very well into this behavior. She can be very manipulative and to cut it short, seems very similar to what you described. At times seems she purposely tries to set up circumstances to fight or have me in a situation where I may end the relationship.
> My plan is this: I'm NOT playing psychologist in any way, attempting to determine whether I should be mean, hard, soft, sweet or what women respect and then play some game. My plan is to be very direct, open and honest. That is: Make sure she knows I love her and will be there to help and support however this is conditional with actual and continual steps (therapy) to resolve the issues. Without that, I'm not stcking around for the carnage.
> 
> I agree that threatening to leave is not productive.
> She needs to feel lilke you are there and you are a life-line.
> 
> recognition is a great thing. but after that, not taking action is unacceptable.
> 
> Good Luck!!


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## 63Vino

hey mem11363

Thanks, I think this idea will fit well into my situation. It will give me more breathing room away form the grump and she'll realize that she can't simply continue to suck me into the vortex of "life is bad". She does consume my time and I don't think she even realizes it. 

cheers


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## s122

Please recommend some language or steps I can take to encourage my wife to deal with her depression. We have been married 30+ years. She has attempted suicide twice, though not recently. Her mother committed suicide. Her sister is very negative. Yet, she can not connect these "dots". She has been in therapy and taken meds and shown improvement. For the past 10 years she has steadfastly resisted any of my suggestions. On the one occasion that she did seek evaluation, she did not follow through and any of my attempts to encourage her to do so just polarized us. 

She takes little joy in many things that she used to enjoy. Life is a struggle for her. I seen and or read about others like her in "Depression Fallout" and "this Emotional Life" on PBS. All of her issues are my fault.

But how do I get her to take that step. Even with a gentle push from me, the the pushback from her is hard. 

Someone must have done this successfully. How did you do it?:scratchhead:


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## GZRay

I'm facing the same problem as kicker1982, although we're newly weds and we were just married from 6 months. Everyday her depression increases while nothing I do pleases her. I sometimes feel that I'm manipulated and I'm always the blame if anything goes wrong. I try to apologize in different creative ways but all I get is that I'm selfish and inconsiderate and what i did is the silliest thing that anyone could ever do. This morning we got into a big fight for nothing although I'm sure for her it's a big issue. I've reached a situation that before talking I think a million times of what I'm going to say just to avoid all the fights and nagging! She's having a big depression issue before we get married and even before we knew each other. I do love her so much and I wanna make her happy and please her in every way but she doesn't see that I do love her at all. In fact she thinks that I'm changing to worse everyday and I'm not the man she used to know at all. She lost trust in me and she thinks that I'm a big fat liar and whatever I say she won't believe. I tried to avoid talking about anything but this for her is considered to be a lie too and that I'm hiding stuff from her. I'm trying to make her depression go away by hanging out, doing something new, anything creative and even try to fulfill her wishes (although they might take time) but its never pleasing her. I'm not sure if going to a marriage counselor is the right decision in just 6 months of marriage or not and I like to listen to your opinions on how to fix this.


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## magnoliagal

In my marriage I was the depressed one. I put my husband through hell because of it. To this day I'm not sure why he put up with it as I think depressed people are toxic.

What he did to cope was avoid me. He worked an opposite shift and we rarely saw each other. This annoyed me to no end so after 7 years I was ready to leave HIM. He then suggested marriage counseling which I opposed for a while but then finally gave in. That counselor ended up saving my life as MC turned into individual counseling very quickly. 

Meds didn't work for me so I had to beat this the old fashioned way with diet, exercise and talk therapy.

My sincere advice is to run. Sorry to offend other depressed people here but I almost not only ruined my life but my husbands life as well with my toxic behavior. Yes I was depressed but that was no excuse for how I treated him.

If you can't do that then don't allow her to take her depression out on you. Don't be a verbal punching bag and if she's moody leave otherwise they will suck the life out of you. At first you can handle it but over time you will resent them.

Good luck.


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## pittko

My wife is really depressed. I have sat and listened to her. She truly has had a difficult life; between a father less home, physical abuse by family members and every man betraying her trust, I am not innocent here. I have messed up once in the beginning of our relationship, I was a certain way and my own past made me scared of her, scared of changing for her but I finally saw myself for the wrong i was doing. I have spent the last year correcting my mistake. But so far nothing works. She isn't as harsh with her words as she used to be but there is nothing I do that makes her happy. Its either im forcing myself on her or I'm not giving her enough attention that she wants. I have tried many many things, spent all of my money trying to please her, read and reading many books including the bible which is the real reason of my change because of what god has been doing and Jesus dying on the cross, (I'm not always the best but) do my best to raise her son. I have just graduated from ITT-Tech and money is getting low but she doesn't trust me to get a job. She truly believes I will cheat. I love her so much and I would much rather be happy with her at home then to make 70+ a year and be miserable at home. But we all know that money doesn't grow on trees. I just don't know what to do. I do not believe antidepressants is the way because pill dependency is never the way. She is over-weight and has been but she does exercise regularly because she doesn't think she is worth it.
Please anyone which approach should I take in order to turn things around?
PS: I know part of this is her choice and she has to choose but I know I can help and I really am trying but nothing is working.


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## Locard

Sounds like a giant **** test for you. She knows how to manipulate you. YOU are not responsible for her happiness per say. Be a decent husband and live up to your vows, be a good man, but don't be on eggshells for her "depression".


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## ShawnD

kicker1982 said:


> Those are good suggestions. We are not currently seeing a therapist. I have suggested that we go and she did not want to. She say a psychologist and all he did was prescribe her some medications that didn't seem to work.


A lot of people don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Psychologists focus on learned behavior - people who act crazy because they were trained to be crazy (abusive parents, no parents, PTSD). A psychiatrist is someone who deals with the medical side of psychological problems - drugs. A psychiatrist is nothing more than a drug dealer with a lot of education. I have a psychiatrist, and I think he's the most helpful person I have ever met. He knows more about drugs than I could ever hope to learn, and he says he tested many of them on himself. Instead of just reading the label like an idiot, he has first hand knowledge of what things do and how they feel. 

Which drugs has she already tried? I need specific names. What were the positive and negative effects? What is the effect you are looking for? There's a lot of guess work in picking medications. It's never as simple as "serotonin goes up" because there are different regions of the brain, there are different types of receptors, etc. Some drugs are so complicated that it's difficult to pinpoint why the drug works. Fluoxetine (prozac) does all of the following:
1) increase serotonin by non-selectively blocking reuptake
2) increase dopamine and norepinephrine by antagonizing the 5-HT2c receptor
3) increase everything by blocking monoamineoxidase
4) increase GABA..... somehow
5) block several liver enzymes

Another drug from the same class of drugs, such as Celexa, does some of those but not all of them. This is why it's important to test out lots of different drugs. Some people can have a horrible response to Paxil but have fantastic response to Prozac even though both are in the same category and are prescribed for the same problems. I'm one of those people.

If absolutely no medication works, then her brain is simply damaged beyond repair. Neurotransmitters are only half of the equation; the brain needs to know what to do with them. If someone has brain damage and there's a lack of connective tissue between certain parts, no amount of drugs will ever make that person act normal.


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