# Husband cannot get over EA



## desertwind (Dec 17, 2012)

Recently I had my suspicions confirmed that my husband of 20 years has been in an EA for the last two years with a much younger woman (who is in a long term relationship.) 

What happened was a friend saw them kissing in his car and told me. I have been suspicious for a long time but he has always denied it. I confronted him this time and he admitted it and said it had only turned to physical in the last three months. 

He said she made the first move, much to his surprise as he thought she was keeping it at an emotional level because of the age difference (22 years) and the fact they both had partners. He was resigned to it never moving beyond the emotional level until she tired of him. Her coming onto him had changed all this and encouraged him to think they might have some joint future after all. 

I gave him an ultimatum that he could stop it all now or I would go to the boyfriend and make it public. He told her this and she said nothing significant had happened between them to change anything but apparently she got quite worried I might go public and, as far as I can tell, has been going around telling everyone I am spreading evil rumours about her!

But with matters come to a head, my husband decided he had to be with her at all costs. So he moved out into his mother's house, to be free to ask her to go public with him as a couple. She turned him down, apparently said the kissing was just a sign of affection, nothing more. She would be his good friend but not his full time public companion. She was staying with her boyfriend. 

He was very crushed and contacted me to say he had been a complete fool and deceived by her and he would like us to try again. Seemed resigned to it ending that way. I had my doubts but I still care about him and he has always been quite unworldly so I said we could try, taking it slowly. He said if he met her by chance through work, (difficult not too as their firms work closely together ther) he would keep it as strictly platonic friends. He seemed to be coping well and was very remorseful to me.

Then last week he came from a business function very upset. He said she had been there and asked him for a lift home (she lives nearby). Feeling he could cope, he took her home but when he stopped to let her out of the car, she moved in to kiss him again just like before. He said he told her to stop, as if they were not to be a public couple, he did not want to hide in the shadows with her. She got annoyed by this and said there was nothing wrong with just kissing him (I wonder what her BF would say). 

She said she wanted to meet him the next day and he said no he had arranged to meet me as I still wanted to work something out. He says then she flew into a rage, said he had too much excess baggage and everything was off even the friendship, and stormed off. ( He told me all this to prove he was no longer lying or hiding things from me but trying to make it work.)

At first he seemed quite relieved it was all settled but after a couple of days I know he sent her a couple of texts, wanting her to say they can still be friends. I saw on his phone she told him she had deleted his number and blocked him on fb, so she has gone totally NC at present. 

Obviously this suits me but it has left him very very depressed. So I told him I cannot see we have much chance of reconciling if he is clearly still so much in love with her. He said he still loves me but he is feeling his age and life slipping by and it was the freshness and newness and all the other emotions he found with her that made it so exciting in the first place. He is still in love with her and feels quite desperate at the prospect of not seeing her again. 

So I suggested he has some time on his own and he just says he does not know what to do, he cannot think straight he is so unhappy. He does not want to date other women, just her. I have always thought her agenda was to get him away from me to be a sort of secondary admirer. Although I don't know why she wants this.

Bottom line, I don't see how we can get back together when he is still so fixated on her. Is he likely to change his feelings given time? Are there any male posters out there who have been through this and can give us an insight on it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

File for divorce ASAP (i always can be stopped)
Expose to BFF.
Expose to every one who's opinion your BH respect.
Weight exposure at work (If you can afford to lose his income).
Start detaching, impletment, live the 180.

If he ask for a nother chance think hard about your boundaires, the rules he must agree and apply to change your mind about the divorce (1rst one is absolute NC starting with a NC letter which obviously imply qitting that job, second IC for him, 3rd full disclosure, there's way more than kissing). Just to beging with.


Sorry friend, hope this bump will bring you better advice.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

He's going through withdrawal. He's been inundated with the chemical "dopamine," which flows when you have the in-love, infatuated feelings. It'll take awhile, but he needs to never see her again. Every time he sees her or gets a text or email from her he gets a shot of dopamine, the butterflies in your stomach feeling. 

Also, I'd tell the boyfriend. He has a right to know. Would you like it if you were kept in the dark on what your husband was doing behind your back?

And if I'm betting, I'd say this has gone physical, as in "all-the-way physical." He's only admitting to what you know. There's more here.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

As I'm re-reading your post, your husband needs to wake up and get out of this dopamine-induced fantasy fog. And it needs to be a huge jolt. 

Filing for divorce might seem harsh, but he needs a wake up call now. And I also think you need a wake up call. Why are you putting up with his infatuation with her? You should have more self-respect than that. If you file, the process takes awhile and you can always cancel.


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## Roselyn12 (Dec 17, 2012)

My opinion? Once an affair has happened and he said he wants to try again, there should not be any contact with that person ever again. If they work together that makes things tricky but above all they should not even consider being friends. Why is it so important to him that she remain in his life? I think you may be right that he is in love with her and that she just wanted him as a second admirer. She didn't want to date him publicly but still thought it was okay to kiss him? No. Not okay. None of this situation was okay. You might be better off focusing on yourself. You can't change his feelings, but you can affect your own. Stepping back from the situation and concentrating on your own happiness might be best.


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