# New to Forum - Husband needs advice/help



## Golf Addict

Hi, I am new to this forum and have been searching for productive ways to talk about my feelings and issues and get advice from others who may be experiencing similar things. I've been married for almost 30 years to my beautiful wife and I love her dearly. However, I find myself wanting to flirt and get attention from other women. It's not a sexual thing and I'm not sure what it stems from. I have zero intent or desire to have sex with other women - it's all about getting attention. I work out hard and take my appearance seriously, probably too seriously. We have 4 boys and my wife is an amazing mom and wife, however, she is not very affectionate or physical with me. Help!!?? Why do I crave attention from other women and how can I fulfill this need without being unfaithful to my wife?


----------



## Tdbo

I'd sit down with your wife and constructively discuss your needs and how you could better strengthen your relationship.


----------



## Girl_power

Don’t flirt with other women. Just be more flirty with your wife, put more effort into that side of your marriage.


----------



## bobert

Do not flirt with other women. It is a slippery slope. What happens when the flirting isn't enough and you need just a little bit more? Then more? If you wouldn't do it in front of your wife, don't do it at all.

If you want to flirt with someone... flirt with your wife. If things have been stale for a while you can't expect things to instantly get better with a little flirting. You need to be consistent.

Have you read "The 5 Love Languages"? If not, that would be a good book for you to both read.


----------



## leftfield

Have you read about the 5 love languages? Do you know what your love language is?


----------



## Golf Addict

Thanks for your replies. I have talked to her about this and she gets better briefly - and look, I know it's not all her and there are things I should be doing better too - but I honestly don't know what those things are. I ask her what I can do for her, try to help her with things around the house and support and listen to her, etc. I try to flirt with her but it just feels like a one way street. I feel like I am such a low priority for her and I honestly just feel like a whiny, needy little girl when I think about telling her that I need more attention and affection.


----------



## Golf Addict

leftfield said:


> Have you read about the 5 love languages? Do you know what your love language is?


I haven't read about the 5 love languages - is it a book?


----------



## waynejoey

This is destructive behavior that stems from wanting validation from other people. Typically those that seek validation are a mixture of insecure and resentful. By playing this game, the person can secure their insecurity in feedback from other people and also "get back" at their spouse for not fulfilling their needs.

This is a hole that can never be filled and can turn into a slippery slope of awful behavior. We see it in many marriages: porn, power, money, alcohol... I never heard anyone say: "gee my marriage really sucked for a long time, my wife just isn't flirtatious any more, but ever since I discovered Jack Daniels things have been great"... or "my kids are out of control, all my wife does is yell, things are so much better now that I just stay in my office until 7 PM, I've got a few extra dollars and I don't have to interact with anyone"... or "our sex life isn't great, but who cares I can just watch porn and its just as satisfying".

No one ever says these things, because they don't work!

#1 - you discover your identity in Jesus Christ, the one who can never fail you, people (like your wife) will let you down, she is human, but in Jesus all is perfect - no more need for validation! He has already validated you!!

#2 - decide what you really want, which is your wife's love, then go get that. You get her love by being the man God called you to be. When she isn't affectionate, you don't beat around the bush about it, you are assertive about what you're seeing and ask for what you want. And if she turns you down you are confident in knowing that she is the one that is wrong, you are validated, but God will deal with her in His time, and you can go about your day content that you did what you could for today and that tomorrow is another opportunity.

When I stopped seeking all the other vices that had consumed my life and I focused on my wife, she felt the full pressure and impact of my manhood and responded in kind. 'I better jump on this guy before his testosterone shatters all the windows in the house'. You can sense my desire in the room, cut it with a knife. A godly, manly, man with a heart for his wife and for God's church.


----------



## bobert

Golf Addict said:


> I haven't read about the 5 love languages - is it a book?


Here is a link to the book:








The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts: Chapman, Gary: 9780802412706: Amazon.com: Books


The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts [Chapman, Gary] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts



www.amazon.com





You can take the quiz here:








Learn More About Yourself


Discover the secrets that have helped millions of people improve their relationships and themselves.




www.5lovelanguages.com


----------



## Golf Addict

waynejoey said:


> This is destructive behavior that stems from wanting validation from other people. Typically those that seek validation are a mixture of insecure and resentful. By playing this game, the person can secure their insecurity in feedback from other people and also "get back" at their spouse for not fulfilling their needs.
> 
> This is a hole that can never be filled and can turn into a slippery slope of awful behavior. We see it in many marriages: porn, power, money, alcohol... I never heard anyone say: "gee my marriage really sucked for a long time, my wife just isn't flirtatious any more, but ever since I discovered Jack Daniels things have been great"... or "my kids are out of control, all my wife does is yell, things are so much better now that I just stay in my office until 7 PM, I've got a few extra dollars and I don't have to interact with anyone"... or "our sex life isn't great, but who cares I can just watch porn and its just as satisfying".
> 
> No one ever says these things, because they don't work!
> 
> #1 - you discover your identity in Jesus Christ, the one who can never fail you, people (like your wife) will let you down, she is human, but in Jesus all is perfect - no more need for validation! He has already validated you!!
> 
> #2 - decide what you really want, which is your wife's love, then go get that. You get her love by being the man God called you to be. When she isn't affectionate, you don't beat around the bush about it, you are assertive about what you're seeing and ask for what you want. And if she turns you down you are confident in knowing that she is the one that is wrong, you are validated, but God will deal with her in His time, and you can go about your day content that you did what you could for today and that tomorrow is another opportunity.
> 
> When I stopped seeking all the other vices that had consumed my life and I focused on my wife, she felt the full pressure and impact of my manhood and responded in kind. 'I better jump on this guy before his testosterone shatters all the windows in the house'. You can sense my desire in the room, cut it with a knife. A godly, manly, man with a heart for his wife and for God's church.


Thank you, this is a great post and reflects the kind of man and husband I want to be. I love my wife but find it hard to talk to her because she takes things so personally and gets her feelings hurt rather than understanding that what I am trying to say is that I want to have a better, more intimate relationship with her - not that she is a failure. I need to improve my communication skills and learn how to express my feelings in productive ways. That's essentially why I logged on here so I don't go looking for attention elsewhere. Thank you very much!


----------



## bobert

Golf Addict said:


> Thank you, this is a great post and reflects the kind of man and husband I want to be. I love my wife but find it hard to talk to her because she takes things so personally and gets her feelings hurt rather than understanding that what I am trying to say is that I want to have a better, more intimate relationship with her - not that she is a failure. I need to improve my communication skills and learn how to express my feelings in productive ways. That's essentially why I logged on here so I don't go looking for attention elsewhere. Thank you very much!


You may need to look at HOW you talk with your wife. Look up "I" Statements or "I feel..." Statements. The outcome of what you say can really depend on how you say it.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

How old are your boys? Are they all still at home? I mean, 4 boys is a lot of work and not very conducive to making the husband or sex a priority if they're still young enough to be at home.


----------



## Golf Addict

DownByTheRiver said:


> How old are your boys? Are they all still at home? I mean, 4 boys is a lot of work and not very conducive to making the husband or sex a priority if they're still young enough to be at home.


I have 2 boys at home still - they're 15 and 18. And my wife does so much for them to keep them on track with school, college & scholarship applications. As I'm typing this, I realize how much she still does for them, and that I need to be a bit more appreciative and compassionate about all she does for them. Thanks for the reminder. I'm really glad I posted on here!


----------



## DownByTheRiver

I just bet she's exhausted a lot. Just do as much as you can to help. See if things improve once they are out of the house when she has more time for you and for leisure, something I imagine she's not getting a lot of. At least your working out relieves some of your stress. I bet she doesn't even have time or energy for that.


----------



## Tdbo

Golf Addict said:


> Thanks for your replies. I have talked to her about this and she gets better briefly - and look, I know it's not all her and there are things I should be doing better too - but I honestly don't know what those things are. I ask her what I can do for her, try to help her with things around the house and support and listen to her, etc. I try to flirt with her but it just feels like a one way street. I feel like I am such a low priority for her and I honestly just feel like a whiny, needy little girl when I think about telling her that I need more attention and affection.


You don't need to be whiny about it.
She has demonstrated she can do better when she wants to.
Hold her accountable.
Be fair, be caring, be supportive, but accept no less than her best effort.
Be there for her, do your part around the house and keep the dialogue between the two of you.
Model your 50% with the behaviors you expect, and accept nothing less than reciprocation of those efforts for her 50%.
You can only be a low priority with your permission.


----------



## Tdbo

Golf Addict said:


> I have 2 boys at home still - they're 15 and 18. And my wife does so much for them to keep them on track with school, college & scholarship applications. As I'm typing this, I realize how much she still does for them, and that I need to be a bit more appreciative and compassionate about all she does for them. Thanks for the reminder. I'm really glad I posted on here!


Do everything you can to lighten her load.
Work to create some time away from the kids for both of you.
Try to do little things to make her feel special, and see if she reciprocates.


----------



## GC1234

Golf Addict said:


> Hi, I am new to this forum and have been searching for productive ways to talk about my feelings and issues and get advice from others who may be experiencing similar things. I've been married for almost 30 years to my beautiful wife and I love her dearly. However, I find myself wanting to flirt and get attention from other women. It's not a sexual thing and I'm not sure what it stems from. I have zero intent or desire to have sex with other women - it's all about getting attention. I work out hard and take my appearance seriously, probably too seriously. We have 4 boys and my wife is an amazing mom and wife, however, she is not very affectionate or physical with me. Help!!?? Why do I crave attention from other women and how can I fulfill this need without being unfaithful to my wife?


Hey,
It's funny you posted this, b/c I feel like I have the same issue, and have recently wondered where it stems from. I have always been naturally flirtatious, it's not easy to turn on and off for me, even now. But, ironically, I would HATE it if my husband was that way...I'm messed up, I know! I also know a few people who feel the same as we do...someone put it to me like this: "it makes life more interesting/exciting when you have something to look forward to". I don't think it's harmful per se, as long as it doesn't go further than flirtation; but it is wrong, and it's crossing boundaries...I think we know that. But if it's something you're okay with, then whatever, let it be.


----------



## Girl_power

Golf Addict said:


> I have 2 boys at home still - they're 15 and 18. And my wife does so much for them to keep them on track with school, college & scholarship applications. As I'm typing this, I realize how much she still does for them, and that I need to be a bit more appreciative and compassionate about all she does for them. Thanks for the reminder. I'm really glad I posted on here!


I think she is going to need help and maybe a little nodge (I’m not sure If that’s a word) from transitioning from mom back to wife again. But this is a great time for you guys, it’s time to get that spark back and start focusing on husband and wife and enjoying the fruits of your labor.


----------



## Dadto2

How would you feel if the roles were reversed and you’re wife was flirting with other men? You are playing with fire my man. That’s usually how affairs start.


----------



## Casual Observer

Golf Addict said:


> Hi, I am new to this forum and have been searching for productive ways to talk about my feelings and issues and get advice from others who may be experiencing similar things. I've been married for almost 30 years to my beautiful wife and I love her dearly. However, I find myself wanting to flirt and get attention from other women. It's not a sexual thing and I'm not sure what it stems from. I have zero intent or desire to have sex with other women - it's all about getting attention. I work out hard and take my appearance seriously, probably too seriously. We have 4 boys and my wife is an amazing mom and wife, *however, she is not very affectionate or physical with me.* Help!!?? Why do I crave attention from other women and how can I fulfill this need without being unfaithful to my wife?


Are your efforts at instigating intimacy routinely turned down? Are you in a scenario where rejection is the norm? Google "The sex starved marriage" ted talk. See if anything there rings a bell for you. If so, ask your wife to watch it with you. Or it could be something else entirely.


----------



## EleGirl

Golf Addict said:


> I haven't read about the 5 love languages - is it a book?


*The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts* by Gary Chapman


----------



## EleGirl

Golf Addict said:


> I have 2 boys at home still - they're 15 and 18. And my wife does so much for them to keep them on track with school, college & scholarship applications. As I'm typing this, I realize how much she still does for them, and that I need to be a bit more appreciative and compassionate about all she does for them. Thanks for the reminder. I'm really glad I posted on here!


How many hours a week do you and your wife spend in together in quality time, just you and her with out the children or anyone else? What do the two of you do during this quality time?


----------



## Diana7

Does you wife see you flirting, and if she does what does she say?Have you always been like this?
For me flirting is a total no no, sometimes it needs a decision from the one doing it to stop, and the use of self control. Not popular I know but its not fair to your wife nor the one you are flirting with.


----------



## Diana7

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week do you and your wife spend in together in quality time, just you and her with out the children or anyone else? What do the two of you do during this quality time?


I was thinking that, a date night once a week and frequent weekends away are needed here I think. Your sons are old enough to be on their own for 2 or 3 days after all one is an adult now. It sounds like she puts all of her energy into them.


----------



## Laurentium

Golf Addict said:


> I honestly just feel like a whiny, needy little girl when I think about telling her that I need more attention and affection.


That's *your* half of the problem: you think having (normal, reasonable) needs is "needy". It isn't. 
But, telling her that you need attention and affection isn't how you flirt with someone - you know this. You need to communicate it in a different way. 



Golf Addict said:


> she takes things so personally and gets her feelings hurt rather than understanding that what I am trying to say is that I want to have a better, more intimate relationship with her - not that she is a failure.


And that's *her* half of the problem. You tell her about what's happening for you, as you should do, and she hears it as that she's failed in some way. This often happens: a woman will say she wishes her partner would talk about his feelings more, but if he does, she then interprets it as being _about her,_ not about him.


----------



## Oldtimer

You should do more with your wife, take her to a spot she loves, sit down, hold her hand and tell her how much you love her. Sounds like life has you on the run!

I sat with a friend once whom I had much respect for. He lost a kidney to the fact that he stressed over his job... bear with me a minute as I know this is not comparable to what’s happening in your life, but at the time I was working my way up the ladder in my job under very stressful conditions.

The punch line of this whole ramble is “ TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE ROSES” and that’s why you should take your lovely wife out to do just that. You need to make her feel the love for it to become reciprocal.

best wishes.


----------



## notmyjamie

Have you tried a different approach..as in "honey, I've been watching all that you do for this family over the last few weeks and I'm realizing that I should be helping you more...we need to even out the responsibilities more so it doesn't all fall on you. That's only fair, but I'll be honest...part of the reason is that I miss you and want to spend time with you so if I lighten your load do you think you'd have more free time for us to spend together? I love you and miss you and want more time with you!!"


----------



## Arkansas

Golf Addict said:


> Why do I crave attention from other women and how can I fulfill this need without being unfaithful to my wife?


because you're a flawed human being - and for you, the above what you described is your demon

fight it - don't let it win .... Satan is whispering and it'll destroy everyone and everything if you let it


----------

