# I need perspective, please.



## thestrifeofwife (Apr 5, 2015)

Sorry its long..
I need some perspective please. It’s kind of a long post but please hear me out and give me some advice.
Background; Me and my husband have been together for almost 14 years, been married for 7, and have 3 boys (6, 6, and 4). We have always separated our money, it always worked for us, especially as we lived apart for the first 5 years of our relationship, since then we have split the bills. It was pretty 50.50 when we had no kids but since we've had kids it worked pretty much like this: I made 20% of what my husband made and paid 33% of our household bills, he paid the other 66% and took us out on Fridays for dinner out (the grandparents have our kids every Friday, we’re pretty spoiled). 
I always upheld my end of the bills, even through my maternity leaves, by taking in extra kids when I needed. 3 years ago I started a side business as we needed more money to fulfill some dreams and wishes, we wanted things and the way money was it just wasn’t enough to get extra. My business is quite good, after 3 years it pulls in an extra $6000-$8000 / yr on average. It was enough that with that money I tried to lighten my husband’s financial load by making sure that money paid for Christmas, birthdays, Easter, extra gas for trips, and more recently I saved and scrimped enough to take all 5 of us on vacation to Mexico for 11 days. All without changing my husbands financial load and making sure he had a bit of extra money too, to share the wealth.

I work hard at this business, out of our house, sometimes I have to stay up until 3-4am to get all my orders done and then wake up with the kids, watch extra kids, and work in the evening ( I recently quite my evening job after 6 years though and took in 3 extra kids instead) I work really hard to pull my weight, I work really hard to make things as easy as possible for us. I grew up much, much poorer than my husband and really wanted to give our boys more opportunities than I had growing up. I set aside money from every order in an envelope to save for things I wanted. I got our Mexico trip by saving $20 at a time and sacrificing things like taking the kids to McDonalds, getting some new clothes, driving places etc etc.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago: 2 weeks ago my husband came to me and said he needed help. The credit card was maxed at $7300 and he was having a hard time paying the payments. I was surprised to say the least, I had no idea what he wold have bought to rack up $7300. I did not have access to the credit card or line of credit, they were my husbands, if I needed something I asked to put it on there, before I could put anything else on there, I had to pay off the previous charge, it made sense to me, I never really questioned it as it wasn’t a big deal to me, however having a maxed out credit card and no idea how it got that way WAS a big deal. I needed access to the acct so I could see how this happened, especially since I was going to have to make some big payments on it and I had no part in racking it up. 

While looking at the acct I noticed our line of credit was at $47 000! Now we put $27 000 to purchase our house 2 years ago. I thought we were making payments on it, so I was expecting our LoC to be around $24 000, not $23 000 more than that. This was over $30 000 more debt than I thought. How in the world did we have a debt load of $54 300?! How was it that I did not know, that it was never brought up, I thought we had a good relationship, it turns out its not as good as I thought. I know by now many of you are thinking: drugs, gambling, cheating. Nope, nothing like that, its years of maxing out the cards on stupid ****, not making enough payment to cover even the interest and then using the LoC to pay off the visa and doing it over and over and over until our interest payments on the LoC are $350 but the payments husband have been making are closer to $100. 

Every month for over a year we have been rolling between the LoC and the Visa about $600 worth of interest. On top of that, husband uses the credit card to buy fast food, dinners, golf, stuff at cabela’s , Canadian Tire etc etc and then uses the LoC to pay off the card. Together we make $98 000/yr not including my side business. And I never ever knew. I never knew we had this debt. I always (stupidly) assumed he was keeping his end of the bills up, he made enough to cover them, he never mentioned to me ever in 2 years that he was struggling, we didn’t buy anything fabulous or extraordinary, I feel like I should have noticed something, ANYTHING, that is worth $30 000 extra in debt. He says it was just reckless spending, and im inclined to believe him. We bought a new home 2 years ago, we paid $317 000, our old home was $247 000, but we have a much better interest rate now so our mortgage payment only went up by $200 and our property tax by about $50. My household bills went up too as I pay all the utilities, so it evened out, we both made financial sacrifices. 
We own one 2005 car and have payments still on one $17 000 2011 Dodge van. We do not live extravagantly. However when looking through our cards and bank accounts to see what went on, in 2013 before we bought the house Husband rolled one $5000 credit card and one $6000 credit card into the LoC. The $6000 card was cancelled after it was paid off so I have no idea what was on it, but I actually had no idea that we had 2 credit cards. On top of that, things like getting $1200 back from our health spending to pay the dentist, but he never actually paid the dentist that money, he kept it, so now we STILL owe the dentist and apparently that money got “piddled away” on nothing great. How does $1200 get piddled away and one not notice? Have I been blind? Did I trust my husband too much?

Point of the story. Now with this amount of debt the interest payments alone are close to $600, in order to pay off some of the principal we need to make even larger payments. Of course now my husband need my help to pay off a debt I had no clue was accumulating. And in doing so he successfully sacrificed my dreams for our family. I’ve had to use all my savings in order to help pay off this debt. Savings that I made sacrifices for and I was doing it to buy a second hand tent trailer so we could go camping. All our future dreams are shattered because, honestly, this is years’ worth of debt to pay off that he racked up in 2 years. And now me and the boys are to suffer for it. I’ll have to work even harder, and I already work pretty damn hard having had 3 jobs for most of our marriage, in order to pay off this debt. 

And while he was racking it up and I was saving and trying to make things easier for him, he was also making many small lies. Lies on top of lies. We fought about our trip to Mexico, and I didn’t understand because I had the cash in hand, I personally saved for it, for US, I never asked him to contribute, but now I get it, but he never mentioned our debt then. He put things on the card that we would have had money for if he just mentioned it. He said it was pride that got in the way, but now, how do I forgive him? Every thing I read says forgive, forgive, forgive, and you know I would have been pissed at $7300 but gotten over it.

But I can’t just get over $54 000, I can’t just look past $30 300 especially since I am now expected to work harder to pay it off, sacrificing the dreams I had for our family, cancelling the kids RESP’s that I had just set up, and stop telling the boys we were going to Disneyland in 3 years (which would have been enough time for me to save up for it), not going on vacation again, having the first summer that I didn’t have to work weekends in 17 YEARS messed up by the fact that we no longer have the funds for me to enjoy it, all over pride, all over lies, tiny, tiny lies that turned into a really big problem, and I’m just supposed to forgive. This is YEARS worth of debt. I’m really struggling to find forgiveness here. We can no longer afford a marriage counsellor and our health spending is empty, on a sliding scale we make too much money so that option is out, and we’re not religious. 

Now I have complete control and access to everything I know about, but I never expected to be my husband’s financial babysitter and have the person I entrusted our financial future and our children’s financial future in let me down so terribly. How do I not feel upset when the person I trusted everything with let our family down over pride? Im so disappointed and frustrated. I get that people make mistakes and I am trying to look past it, but every single time I have to deposit even more money onto one of those cards I get upset all over again as that’s money we should be having fun with, making memories with our children with and not having to pay this ridiculously selfish, lie-filled, dream crushing, deceitful debt with. 

I find myself logging into his bank account 4 times a day to see if he’s bought anything he shouldn’t have, that I didn’t now budget for, I find I don’t believe him when he says he didn’t, I have to double check for myself but I don’t want him to know because I don’t want him to feel bad for it. I’m so resentful over the fact that I have to make more sacrifices to do this yet I can’t bring myself to tell him to get an evening job and not see our kids, he’s a great dad. Our entire marriage has suffered because all I can think of when he says something is lies, lies, lies, you bastard who crushed everything I worked my ass off for since I was 15, you liar. 

I’ve just worked so hard. And now I have to work even hard when I finally had it in my head that things were going to get easier and better for us when so many things were going so good. How does someone so this to someone else. How did I not notice, honestly there isn’t a lot of extra product here for $30 000. He says he is sorry, i'm sure he is since our relationship has suffered greatly. I need more perspective. Help me.

TLDR: Husband secretly racked up $30 000 in debt and now I have to work hard to pay it off, since you can't squeeze money from a stone, im resentful, angry, and disappointed that the person I trusted the most let us down in such a big, big way. How do I forgive that?


----------



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear thestrifeofwife

I am afraid that I went through much the same thing with my wife over the last ten years. All I can say is to keep your cool, but let him know that you are annoyed, my wife withdrew sex from me ever since our wedding because of this. She has spent money on gambling and maxed out her credit cards without any means of paying them off. It will come right in the end but you have to be very careful along the way, he will resent you, like my wife resented me for cutting off there credit. My wife also gave up work one year before we got married. Would be pleased to correspond with you on each subject if you like.

Take Care

Jacko Jack


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't blame you for being so upset. Vent away here; it's safe.

As for practical suggestions--the first thing that comes to mind for me is, can you sell or rent the nice house, tolerate a few years in a small apartment, and get this debt taken care of in short order? That's what I would do if I could--rent out the house so the rental payment covers the PITI plus something toward a home maintenance fund; find an apartment that costs a fraction of what your house payment is, and throw the savings at the debt until it is paid off. 

In my community, I could do this--I could rent out my house for $2000-$2500, and find a decent apartment for $1000. I'd have about $800 or so above and beyond the expenses I had been budgeting for, and I'd throw that $800 at the expenses I had not been budgeting for--the "surprise" debt--so if it was $30,000, it would be paid off in about 3-4 years. 

Just a thought. I hope others have suggestions I hadn't though of!!


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

As for the emotional/marital damage--I wouldn't even try to work on this yet. Sounds like this wound is too fresh. Give yourself time, and tell him you need time--and he does not get to judge how long it should take you to feel better. Honestly, until you start to see some sunlight, you probably are not going to feel much better. Either some new ideas or unexpected progress will bring that light, or you will adjust to the "new" normal. In the meantime, do not let yourself obsess with the thoughts--limit your overt venting and thinking about it as soon as you can, until you can get by with only like 15 min a day spent venting/obsessing. Then you will be able to begin thinking more rationally about what to do about your feelings toward him.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP... may I suggest you go back and break up your first post into paragraphs? It is very hard to read a wall of text.

I would like to read it but my eyes are glazing over...


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You need to be on a budget. Work together, cut up your credit cards only use cash, stop buying stuff, stop going out to eat and since he isn't good with money give him only a few dollars a week and once that is gone that is all he gets. Take all of the money you are saving from cutting back on your lifestyle go towards paying off the credit cards.

You guys make a good income you just have to live on a budget. I understand that you are upset and it's going to take a while to get over that and to start trusting him again.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Will he cut up his cards?


----------



## thestrifeofwife (Apr 5, 2015)

Thank you so much for replying! I know our friends dont want to be burdened with these problems and, truth be told, they shouldnt have to be. I dont really want this screw up to bias their opinions of my husband, and if he hasn't told his friends it shouldnt be up to me to enlighten them right. But i'm glad I can get it out there, im so, so upset. Ive been on the brink of tears for weeks now, its hard for me to act like everything is ok and be all lovey dovey, when in actuality i'm outraged at his neglect for everything I thought we were working towards.

I also tried to separate my original post 

I have the credit card now, its up in the cupboard. He's hesitant to lower the limit (its at $7500) we piled the first large tax return we've ever got on it a few days ago, put the money I was saving for a tent trailer towards some activities for the kids this summer instead (like the zoo, and the fair since these are things we usually go to and enjoy the memories with our kids). The credit card is now down to $3000, leaving a very large open balance that I get concerned will get used, I mean you dont physically have to have the card right, but husband is hesitant to lower the limit, and its not in my name so I can't. That leaves the ridiculous amount of $47 000 on our line of credit left. Years to pay off. I have made a budget, a very very doable budget that will take about 8 years to pay off our debt, sacrificing all the hopes I had to do with our boys when they were young. 
Some problems I am encountering are this. So I budget for $25 for two weeks of coffee money for the husband and $50 for two weeks for gas for his car. 

I had some extra cash and decided we should grab some cheap food on the Friday, now husband wants to contribute his coffee money to date night. I told him no, he is going to need it, its unrealistic to think that you aren't going to spend money on coffee when you meet up with important people, socialize etc etc at work and I know you use it. He says thats ok, he can use his gas money. I'm like no you cant, you will need your gas money for gas. Once your gas is gone I dont have any more money for gas in the budget.
The problem is, if he spends his gas money, he WILL need gas to get to work, there isnt much way around it, car pooling is not an option as his job sometimes requires him to drive from one office to another in our city. The KM dont add up enough for reimbursement, but he cant exactly walk 4 blocks with a broken computer or anything. 

How do you become a successful and bright adult and not have a clue how money works? He works on the budget management team for his job sometimes and I know he does a fine job as he recently got promoted. So I guess how do you not understand PERSONAL finances when you seem to do all right with corporate ones? Is it just blatant disregard for our future and my feelings?


----------



## thestrifeofwife (Apr 5, 2015)

Another question for those who have been there; does it go away? The anger and resentment every time you forgo something you shouldnt have to, and wouldnt have had to had your spouse not lied and hid things (regardless of their intent, which I guess was to not hurt me? even though I was comfortable living within the means I thought we had, since most of the debt wasnt spent on me)

Right now I should be planning a camping trip with some family at the lake, but we can no longer afford the campground fee's, and i'll have to make up some lame excuse because I dont want to tell my husbands parents that he screwed up all our money and i'm mad.
Right now, 2/3 of our boys managed to wreck their rubber boots this weekend and im struggling to fit an extra $50 into our budget somewhere, and i'm upset.
Right now, I had to take 7 extra orders this month which means i'll probably have to stay up until 3-4am atleast 5 times and still get up at 7am with our kids because I have dayhome kids coming at 7:15am. All while husband gets to go to bed at 11:30pm and sleep till 7:30am and im so so infuriated.

And i'll have to keep on doing this for a few more years at least, at a time when I thought I could actually give up a few dayhome kids and take less orders.

So does this anger, disappointed and resentment go away and your left with just.. a sigh and compliance?


----------



## thestrifeofwife (Apr 5, 2015)

Thanks everyone! I'll be taking some of this advice right away.


----------



## thestrifeofwife (Apr 5, 2015)

Took some irrelevant detail out


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you follow a program, you can easily save for important things while still paying down debt.

Ramsey's stuff's good, if you stay away from the stuff he tries to sell you.
Dave Ramsey Homepage - daveramsey.com

And mint.com is easy to use.
www.mint.com


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

thestrifeofwife said:


> I also tried to separate my original post


Well done, OP!! You get extra "TAM points" for doing that! So much easier on the eyes...


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, perhaps it's time hubby gets a second job or comes up with his OWN home business to clean up HIS mess.

Why should YOU be slaving away 'til 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning, watching neighborhood kids, scrimping and scraping to pay for HIS frivolous spending???

I agree with turnera's suggestion to read Dave Ramsey's info. Good stuff.

But honestly? I think you should sign BOTH of you up for a budgeting seminar, or consumer credit counseling, and make him an active partner in rectifying this situation. After all, HE caused it, not you.

P.S. The credit card put away "in the cabinet" is not nearly good enough! Destroy it! It might be cheaper for you to roll the debt over to your LoC and cancel the card altogether. Your husband has proven he can't resist spending when there is credit available.


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

-I'd be more than a little concerned that, after plunging the family into financial chaos, he's bargaining to have some control over the credit card (limits, etc) in any way still. That doesn't come across as very remorseful to me.

-Even if he doesn't take a second job, it seems like the furthest thing from fair for him to hit the hay while you're up most of the night filling orders. He can't help with that?

-My personal opinion (and that's all that it is) is that, even if you want separate accounts, a couple should still be conferring and comparing numbers so that they have a general (if not specific) understanding of the family's finances. 

-To that extent, I'm not sure that it's a great idea to keep your financial situation a secret. It was secrecy which allowed this to happen in the first place... You're Canadian, so you may have watched "Til Debt Do Us Part". Over and over again, one of the major things these couples have in common is that the financial woes are a dirty secret, with friends and family often being shocked to find out the true state of things. In fact, one of things she has people do is to finally be honest about what's been going on. Maybe you don't want to humiliate your husband (if only he'd been so considerate of *your* feelings) but I don't think there's anything wrong with an "I'm sorry, our financial situation just won't allow that" if people ask about shared trips, etc. If other people simply must know, what's stopping a remorseful person from fessing up?

-I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles. This must be immensely stressful.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

How much of your $27,000 was closing costs and how much was down payment. Please tell me you put more than 5% down on a house that expensive.


----------



## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

thestrifeofwife said:


> So does this anger, disappointed and resentment go away and your left with just.. a sigh and compliance?


I doubt you will be able to get past the anger and resentment as long as you pay the price for his mistakes. If you make the sacrifices to fix the debt and he gets off the hook how can you not resent him. 

You said that you don't not want to ask him to go get a second job because he won't see the kids. He will still be able to spend quality time with his children while he sets an example of how a man takes responsibility for his financial situation. Ask him to take a second job and contribute to cleaning up the financial mess he created, so you can begin to get past the resentment.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Having had something similar happen to me (but on a smaller scale), I would say there is a serious danger of this happening again. You noted he spent on frivolous stuff - this was not a situation where a genuine emergency came up.

On top of the advice you've gotten to cut up the credit cards, keep close oversight over the finances, and engage him in undoing this damage, I would add:

Make this a "one time only" deal. Tell him that if he does it again, you are out of there.

To make this situation personal, I make a good salary. It takes me 6 months to clear $30k. Said differently, it would take every spare dollar I had for two years to save $30k - no retirement savings, no entertainment, and enough luck that nothing breaks down. If you can't manage to replace it, missing that money could mean a year (or more) less of retirement.

If anybody can see me do absolutely nothing for two years or tack another year at the end of my career, and pull that B.S. again, that person does not love me more than her trinkets and junkets.


----------



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Hi thestrifeofwife, 

OMG reading your post was like having a flashback for me. I went through a similar situation about 5 years ago where my husband was taking money out of our account, our business partners money AND from his mother and using it to gamble to the tune of around a $30.000 loss. I found out when I saw an email to him from the casino of his losses for tax purposes. I flipped out and threw him out of the house for awhile. We had two small children at the time and were barely paying our mortgage.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I feel your pain, believe me. To make a long story short, I took him back, but we are still in counseling (5 years later) and we are doing better, but I feel like he has never validated just what this did to destroy my trust and hurt me and our family. He doesn't gamble now, but every now and then he will do something that pushes my buttons, like spend too much on clothes (one month he spent $800.00), and that just gets my back up again and we start fighting. 

What disturbs me is that HE KNOWS that I will get upset, and then he acts surprised when I do or he defends himself over and over and doesn't see anything wrong with what he has done. 

One thing I can tell you is that financial betrayal is not that different from cheating; in that it is a betrayal of your trust in him. I guess it is better than cheating, but it is still a betrayal. 

I still love my husband, but I have anger that is hard to get past. 

I can tell you this...that if your relationship is going to work EVERYTHING must be an open book. No accounts in his name only. He needs to gain your trust again. And I agree with the other posters, he needs to put the effort into fixing this.


----------



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear thestrifeofwife

You ask whether the pain ever goes away, I can only state it from my point of view. You become very wary of your partner, I would love to trust my wife however, her lies have become more outrageous. She does not work she gets a $48 a month pension all the rest of the money comes from me. You husband should be thankful to you for guiding the family out of the financial situation. As Bluezone has said you feel a sense of betrayal, akin to cheating sexually. You will eventually come out of it, but as for the resentfulness, this depends on your husband, if he is apologetic then you might not be resentful, if he is not then definitely you will feel resentful. I do feel your pain, it is something when our spouses put us through hell.

Take care

Jacko Jack


----------



## Artvandelay (Apr 15, 2015)

Same issues here. I have news for you that you won't like: he doesn't want to lower the cc limit because he will USE IT. I've been dealing with this for 10 years and it's about to drive me away. It's an addiction just like gambling. It's not about budgets or credit cards- it's about controlling your own behavior and he can't do it just like mine can't. She can have $10,000 in bills due and she is shopping for junk come payday. This will happen again, just know what you will do when it does.


----------



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

In this country we have TV programmes about people maxing out credit cards, it seems that as Aretvanddelay says, it is a form of addiction. What really gets me is that people can pay lots of money for credit and not consider it a waste of money. With my wife I was paying for her credit card bills, she never thanked me once, it is that which hurts. It seems that these people see spouses as an ATM or bank.


----------



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Jacko Jack, Artvandelay and thestrifeofwife and any others that have experienced this, do you feel that your spouse grew up and never struggled with money? I am convinced that this probably has a lot to do with how they approach finances and the cavalier attitudes they seem to take. I know my husband (although their family wasn't rich but they were comfortable enough) and I'm sure he never struggled with money. On the contrary, my parents struggled to make ends meet the whole time we were growing up. 

Wondering if it is the same with everyone else?

My husband does little things now that just get on my nerves. For example, we had a problem over the winter with our home that went through the home insurance company and we have to have it repaired. He took the check from the insurance company and deposited it into our main checking account and left it there. I thought he had gotten an extra check from work and we had extra money..then I finally realized it was the insurance check. I was asking him why he wouldn't move it into another account (we have several) so that it wouldn't get spent, since the main checking is where we pay all bills etc. He didn't think that I should be making an issue out of it, and that he deposited the check, so his job was done. Is it me?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Good financial management is just not taught....


----------



## Artvandelay (Apr 15, 2015)

My wife's mother did the same things she does. Bills went into drawers and were forgotten. Head firmly up ... Regarding money and finances.

This is a pattern of behavior that won't be solved overnight, and it won't be solved at all of your husband doesn't think it doesn't admit there is a problem. 

I don't mean to be crass, because believe me, I feel your pain. Just be prepared to find a new credit card statement or whatever but the next shoe will drop unless your husband has a deep, convicting change of heart. 

I'm in the worst financial shape of my life and it's not my fault. I used to have a 790 credit score and now it's 500 because I kept plastering over the issue hoping it would get better. I don't think it's going to as this point and it's probably going to end my marriage. 

Just like alcohol or gambling addiction, a spending addict has to admit the problem and get help. If they don't, the behavior will continue,


----------



## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

I agree with others that this is very serious and is likely to repeat itself without action. I'm saddened at how people don't take personal finances more seriously and for me, getting to a shared approach to money was an imperative hurdle before marriage was on the cards.

You are obviously in the position of requiring your husband to change - it won't be easy but getting him to admit he has a problem is step #1.


----------



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Artvandelay I am sorry you are in this position. And OUCH on the credit score!! I don't think our spouses have an idea of the burden this places us under. I am tempted to let him run with the spending just so he can see what would happen, but inside I can't do it. But I get really tired of being the financial police.


----------



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

thestrifeofwife, I hope that you will be able to sort things out. Try and take a deep breath, and do some things to help with the stress like exercising or going out with friends if you can. I think the worst part is probably that you don't even know what the money was spent on. That would drive me crazy. 

Can you guys have a shared bank account so you don't have to keep checking his? That way it's all in one place at least. You may need to sign up for monthly credit monitoring to make sure nothing like this happens again.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I will be surprised if this poster returns.


----------



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear All
As regards joint accounts, my bank of 35 years would not let my wife and I have a joint account, perhaps that should be a test for marriage and I am only half joking. The thing that I find so irritating is that my houseguest aka my wife thinks I am so terribly mean with money, I give her $1050 per month just for food. She does not work. I will probably have to put up with this for the rest of my life.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jacko jack said:


> Dear All
> As regards joint accounts, my bank of 35 years would not let my wife and I have a joint account, perhaps that should be a test for marriage and I am only half joking. The thing that I find so irritating is that my houseguest aka my wife thinks I am so terribly mean with money, I give her $1050 per month just for food. She does not work. *I will probably have to put up with this for the rest of my life*.


Nonsense.


----------



## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

OP, have you called the credit card company?

If you call them and tell them that you can't afford the bill and will have to default on payment if they don't lower your interest rate, they will often do it.

You call the first person...tell them the situation and if they say "no", ask them to refer you to their supervisor (rinse and repeat).

95% of the time, you can get your interest rate significantly reduced.

Next, go to the bank...tell them what's going on and see if there's a way to refinance your mortgage to a different amortization so that you can use the extra money to pay off the higher interest credit card debt. They have a lot of longer amortizations now which could give your monthly budget the relief you need. Once you get the debt paid off, you can refinance again.

The last thing you should do is cancel RESPs due to the government matching. You need to look at your total financial picture and find ways to reduce the debt...highest interest first by restructuring if possible.

As for getting over it. I can tell you that my ex husband lost about 300k during the last 10 years of our marriage day-trading. We didn't have any debt but I ended my marriage without the investment money I expected to split after working my entire life. I didn't find out about the extent of it until late in my divorce because he tried not to present evidence. Finally he had to due to contempt actions and I got the entire file on the "investments". I was paying all the bills under the agreement that he was saving for retirement. He would never show me the statements or show me partial earnings from certain mutual funds.

I think I was terribly angry about the whole thing for about 2 days. Then I realized that it was worth far more than 300k to get the tool out of my life. I now consider it a very worthwhile investment.

I learned financial independence...and only 6 years post divorce, I'm financially better off than I ever imagined I could be. Apparently I'm really good with money...who knew? My new husband is extremely well off and one of the first things we did once our relationship got serious was show each other all of our finances. I have access to everything...I know where all of our money is...although I prefer to manage my income and investments separately. Financial transparency and shared financial morality in marriage is crucial.

I don't know if you'll be able to get past this. I think its all about how he moves forward in the future. Is he ready to admit his mistakes and do double-duty to get it fixed from his end? 30k isn't something that a normal person couldn't figure out a way to make up in a reasonable amount of time if they apply themselves. The question is, what is he willing to do to fix it and ensure to you that it will never happen again and show you that he'll be an honest financial partner in the future?


----------



## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> She does not work. I will probably have to put up with this for the rest of my life.


Why?

How long have you been married?


----------



## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

jacko jack said:


> Dear All
> As regards joint accounts, my bank of 35 years would not let my wife and I have a joint account, perhaps that should be a test for marriage and I am only half joking. The thing that I find so irritating is that my houseguest aka my wife thinks I am so terribly mean with money, I give her $1050 per month just for food. She does not work. I will probably have to put up with this for the rest of my life.


This is not living.


----------

