# Separation



## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

My husband and I are temporarily separated from each other. I asked him to leave the house when he showed up drunk and became verbally abusive to me. He has been staying with his parents for now. We are scheduled to have marriage counseling soon. He made some positive changes. He goes to the gym daily to try to get back in shape and attend AA meeting daily. I took steps to learn about Al Anon, codependency, and learn about Jesus. I feel like things are moving to the right direction. My husband misses me and the kids and want to return to the house, but I do not miss him and enjoy my quiet time without him so I told him I would move out if he comes back. I am afraid that I no longer feel in love with my husband after many years of enduring his drinking.I am emotionally checked out. I love him like a brother and a family member, but not as a spouse. I am not really angry at him or anything. I know he is a good person, but he is very sick and struggling with this alcoholism disease. The most important part in this picture is my kids. I want them to grow up in a healthy home with both parents. My husband loves them dearly too so we have the same goal. We are going to try to save the marriage. I talked to a couple who have been married for over 61 years and learned some good lessons from them. The elderly couple told me to work very hard and stick with marriage counseling and do not give up even when I feel hopeless. To be honest, I am still confused and lost.

Can people fall back in love with their spouse ?
If I cannot fall back in love with him, is it worth it to give up personal happiness to make everyone else happy?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Don’t go back to him if you feel he won’t provide a home that feels safe and predictable. You can wait a year or two to decide - it gives him time to show if his behavior has consistently changed (long term). Does he work? How much of the family money does he contribute? 

Side note - in the meantime - take care of yourself and the kids - do not date other men.


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## midatlanticdad (Jul 24, 2018)

seekercv2020 said:


> My husband and I are temporarily separated from each other. I asked him to leave the house when he showed up drunk and became verbally abusive to me. He has been staying with his parents for now. We are scheduled to have marriage counseling soon. He made some positive changes. He goes to the gym daily to try to get back in shape and attend AA meeting daily. I took steps to learn about Al Anon, codependency, and learn about Jesus. I feel like things are moving to the right direction. My husband misses me and the kids and want to return to the house, but I do not miss him and enjoy my quiet time without him so I told him I would move out if he comes back. I am afraid that I no longer feel in love with my husband after many years of enduring his drinking.I am emotionally checked out. I love him like a brother and a family member, but not as a spouse. I am not really angry at him or anything. I know he is a good person, but he is very sick and struggling with this alcoholism disease. The most important part in this picture is my kids. I want them to grow up in a healthy home with both parents. My husband loves them dearly too so we have the same goal. We are going to try to save the marriage. I talked to a couple who have been married for over 61 years and learned some good lessons from them. The elderly couple told me to work very hard and stick with marriage counseling and do not give up even when I feel hopeless. To be honest, I am still confused and lost.
> 
> Can people fall back in love with their spouse ?
> If I cannot fall back in love with him, is it worth it to give up personal happiness to make everyone else happy?


only you will know if you can fall back in love

what i can tell you is I grew up with an alcoholic mother and my parents divorced when i was seven shortly after she successfully went thru treatment and she has been sober since

here are some things to consider based on my experiences

1) stay in al anon for some time - it was very helpful for my father
2) both my parents loved me very much but the marriage had been ruined by years of living thru the alcoholism
3) the divorce was hard on everyone for a little while but ultimately was the right thing
4) my father remarried - my stepmom. She is a wonderful woman and they were perfect for each other (my father passed away last summer after a full life) their marriage was amazing and showed me what true love and commitment is. he passed at 86 years old and they were married for 31 years
5) alcoholism is a terrible disease and ruins good men and women. going to AA meetings likely isn’t enough. He may need to go to an inpatient program 
6) kids need to grow up in a home with a loving relationship by their parents. staying married and being miserable will not actually be good for them
7) life is too short imo. be a good mom, support your husband in his recovery and move on if you dont love him

how old are the kids? 

god bless


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> Don’t go back to him if you feel he won’t provide a home that feels safe and predictable. You can wait a year or two to decide - it gives him time to show if his behavior has consistently changed (long term). Does he work? How much of the family money does he contribute?
> 
> Side note - in the meantime - take care of yourself and the kids - do not date other men.


He works and contributes as much as he can. He hates living with his parents and is thinking about getting his own place, but he concerns about money issues. I don't know how long his parents will allow him to stay there. I really don't want him back right now.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So I have a cousin that was a drug addict and drunk --- his wife, finally fed up, gave him the ultimatum : get straight or never see your kids again. 
He has not touched anything in over 30 years. It CAN be done. 
Whether that will be enough for you or not... none of us here can answer that.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

midatlanticdad said:


> only you will know if you can fall back in love
> 
> what i can tell you is I grew up with an alcoholic mother and my parents divorced when i was seven shortly after she successfully went thru treatment and she has been sober since
> 
> ...


The kids are almost 2 and 4 years old. Thank you for sharing your experience.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So I have a cousin that was a drug addict and drunk --- his wife, finally fed up, gave him the ultimatum : get straight or never see your kids again.
> He has not touched anything in over 30 years. It CAN be done.
> Whether that will be enough for you or not... none of us here can answer that.


It would be nice if my husband could do it. I am tired of his mind games. He would apologize to me and be nice for a little while to see my reaction. When I start to act like my normal self around him, he becomes a bad guy again. I am truly tired of him this time, but my kids keep asking when daddy is going to come home. It really broke my heart. I will give him one more chance even though I do not miss him at all.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

seekercv2020 said:


> When I start to act like my normal self around him, he becomes a bad guy again.


This is classic ... he acts just the way you want
him to and when you are complacent and things are back to normal... his horrible behaviour surfaces again.
That’s because “ if nothing changes, nothing changes ”Meaning if he hasn't made the effort to seek help with his behaviour, he cannot change on his own... he has proven this many times”
You have to set boundaries and stick to them


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I don’t see a reason to try again if he hasn’t completely changed who he is.

in fact - it’s possible he may get more motivated to change if he stands to lose everything.

stop taking him back so easily! He should be EARNING your trust back for at least a year before you take him back. And that’s only if there’s consistent and significant progress from him!


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> I don’t see a reason to try again if he hasn’t completely changed who he is.
> 
> in fact - it’s possible he may get more motivated to change if he stands to lose everything.
> 
> stop taking him back so easily! He should be EARNING your trust back for at least a year before you take him back. And that’s only if there’s consistent and significant progress from him!


My marriage is extremely dysfunctional but we have kids so we are trying very hard to save it. I go through different emotions. Sometimes I feel like giving up on my boundaries and just let my husband moves back, but I know this time is my ONLY chance because the separation is known to both of our families. If I take him back now, my future boundary will not be taken seriously. I have a hard time saying no because I am so codependent on my family and family in laws. They are too involved in my marriage and make the issues worse. My mother in law told me to give my husband many chances because "people fall off the wagon". My husband told me he is going to move back to the house soon so I am packing to move to my parents' house. Change is difficult but I am trying to take one day at a time. I do not know if I love my husband or not. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, sometimes I miss him a little bit, sometimes I just want to move on without him. I know he still cares about me, but I do not feel like I am "in love" with him. I think we only passionately kissed each other ONE time during our 12 years marriage and I kissed him first. We rarely intimate because he was busy drinking and being ugly to me when he was drunk (that's a huge turn off for me). He told me he would like to date me again, would like to hold my hands, to go for a walk together, to flirt with me etc (I begged for these things with him in the past but I no longer need it). He was on his way to 300 lbs with his drinking and unhealthy lifestyle. I am a petite person (100 lbs) so we are a mismatched couple in many aspects (I am a non-drinker, non-smoker, like to eat veggies etc. while my husband is the opposite of me). He is unhappy with his weight but does not want to do anything about it. After the separation, he is going the gym several times a week and lost 10 lbs already. I am proud of him for doing that but I really do not want him back until he is at his healthy weight and sober. He has a long way to go. I don't know why I have this guilty feeling for telling people about his drinking and no longer cover up for him. I have a heavy mix of sadness, anxious, stress, happy, lonely when he moves out. My mind feels like it is all over the place. I am seeing a therapist. My therapist said I am in several toxic relationships so he is going to work with me about "relationship" so I can make a better choice when I know what "healthy relationship" is like.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Let your husband DO the work. It is his work to do. You do you. Let him do his work. 

you live your life. No one should stay in an unhealthy, unloving and abusive marriage.
You go girl!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I wouldnt even think about getting back with him until he has been free from the addiction for at least a year. Its crazy that you are having to take the children and live with your family, you should be able to stay in the house. Your children need protecting from him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Always keep in mind that you are modeling marriage for your children. What they see at home is very likely what they will go on to do in their own adult lives. Is this the kind of marriage that you wish for your children? I doubt it. Follow your own feelings and don’t let in laws talk you into staying in such a toxic situation. This is your life, not theirs. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I agree... he needs to find somewhere else to live, not you and the kids!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

seekercv2020 said:


> It would be nice if my husband could do it. I am tired of his mind games. He would apologize to me and be nice for a little while to see my reaction. When I start to act like my normal self around him, he becomes a bad guy again. I am truly tired of him this time, but my kids keep asking when daddy is going to come home. It really broke my heart. I will give him one more chance even though I do not miss him at all.


Is he in a programme like AA? Until and unless he is some sort of 12 step program you will remain on the rollercoaster. You sound young, so might be better to cut your losses. I would suggest you get into AlAnon, Bottled Up or/and Sober Recovery.com as you have been damaged by this experience.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

seekercv2020 said:


> My marriage is extremely dysfunctional but we have kids so we are trying very hard to save it. I go through different emotions. Sometimes I feel like giving up on my boundaries and just let my husband moves back, but I know this time is my ONLY chance because the separation is known to both of our families. If I take him back now, my future boundary will not be taken seriously. I have a hard time saying no because I am so codependent on my family and family in laws. They are too involved in my marriage and make the issues worse. My mother in law told me to give my husband many chances because "people fall off the wagon". My husband told me he is going to move back to the house soon so I am packing to move to my parents' house. Change is difficult but I am trying to take one day at a time. I do not know if I love my husband or not. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, sometimes I miss him a little bit, sometimes I just want to move on without him. I know he still cares about me, but I do not feel like I am "in love" with him. I think we only passionately kissed each other ONE time during our 12 years marriage and I kissed him first. We rarely intimate because he was busy drinking and being ugly to me when he was drunk (that's a huge turn off for me). *He told me he would like to date me again, would like to hold my hands, to go for a walk together, to flirt with me etc (I begged for these things with him in the past but I no longer need it).* He was on his way to 300 lbs with his drinking and unhealthy lifestyle. I am a petite person (100 lbs) so we are a mismatched couple in many aspects (I am a non-drinker, non-smoker, like to eat veggies etc. while my husband is the opposite of me). He is unhappy with his weight but does not want to do anything about it. After the separation, he is going the gym several times a week and lost 10 lbs already. I am proud of him for doing that but I really do not want him back until he is at his healthy weight and sober. He has a long way to go. I don't know why I have this guilty feeling for telling people about his drinking and no longer cover up for him. I have a heavy mix of sadness, anxious, stress, happy, lonely when he moves out. My mind feels like it is all over the place. I am seeing a therapist. My therapist said I am in several toxic relationships so he is going to work with me about "relationship" so I can make a better choice when I know what "healthy relationship" is like.


Remember an alcoholics first love is the alcohol. However, they will tell you all sorts of things and make all sorts of promises. Sadly they may even believe themselves that what they are telling you is the truth, but they will break every single one of those promises and your heart will be broken over and over. Do NOT listen to what comes out of his mouth, it is only words, look at this ACTIONS. What steps (if any) has he taken to get sober? There can be no relationship if there is no sobriety.
You need to work on co-dependency because you allowed this to happen to you over and over, why? Working with a therapist is good. You can do this!


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

aine said:


> Is he in a programme like AA? Until and unless he is some sort of 12 step program you will remain on the rollercoaster. You sound young, so might be better to cut your losses. I would suggest you get into AlAnon, Bottled Up or/and Sober Recovery.com as you have been damaged by this experience.


He goes to AA meeting daily since the separation. He goes to the gym frequently to improve his health. He goes to individual counseling. The individual counselor seems to help him a lot.
I know he is good person who is very sick with this horrible addiction. I have codependent issues and make excuses for his bad behaviors all these years. I am trying to keep my boundaries but I wanted to just give up already (I am not). I am scared to raise two small kids alone. I am keeping my boundaries even when I feel so wrong, so selfish , so inadequate inside. I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing the best for my kids. They don’t deserve to witness toxic conversations at such young age.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Sadly, I caught my husband drinking again. He relapsed. He also lied about his gambling habits. He was rude to me a couple times. It is nice that we do not live together because the kids do not have to witness any arguments. I am losing hope that he will change. He is constantly trying to stop drinking by going to AA, but I do not have much hope. I trusted him many times but he always ends up with his alcohol again. I just cannot get over the idea of an intact family for my kids. I know our marriage is toxic but there are good and bad memories mixing. I have trouble remembering the details of the bad memories because I am codependent and mainly focus on the good memories.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Seeker, I am SO sorry you are going through this. 
YOU should work on your co-dependency while HE works on his alcohol and gambling issues.
IIRC, there is a book recommended by many here called Co-Dependent No More
I THINK it is this one: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Beattie, Melody (1986) Paperback: Melody Beattie: Amazon.com: Books
Others will correct me here if I am wrong.

You need to start focusing on yourself -- you can't change anyone else, just what YOU do. Make sure you do the work for the co-dependency, but also improve you relationship with your kids, exercise, eat right, start some hobbies that YOU have always wanted to do, go out or talk with your friends, etc..

You have helped your husband as much as YOU can, now it's up to him and the professionals to get his issues under control.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your children deserve NOT to grow up in a toxic household with an alcoholic. It is actually one of the worst environments they could possibly be in, and you are doing them no favors at all. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> Your children deserve NOT to grow up in a toxic household with an alcoholic. It is actually one of the worst environments they could possibly be in, and you are doing them no favors at all.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I decided to separate from my husband because I did not want my kids to deal with my husband's drinking. I forgave him the first time he was rude to me in front of my kids. I took the kids and left when he was rude to me the second time. He loves the kids dearly but he cannot control his drinking. My kids are in a much more stable environment now. We are still legally married and co-parenting. I hope we can work things out but I don't trust my husband.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Seeker, I am SO sorry you are going through this.
> YOU should work on your co-dependency while HE works on his alcohol and gambling issues.
> IIRC, there is a book recommended by many here called Co-Dependent No More
> I THINK it is this one: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Beattie, Melody (1986) Paperback: Melody Beattie: Amazon.com: Books
> ...


I read that book. I am seeing a therapist to work on my personal issues. I always feel bad for my husband. He does not feel bad for me, why do I keep feeling bad for him? Why can't I have the same kind of compassion for myself? 
I have a full time job and exercise daily. I play with my kids after work and spend time with them during the weekend. 
I really try to work on the marriage. I know I am no where near perfect but I have the will to make necessity changes to improve our marriage but I cannot do it alone. 
My in laws changed their attitude the moment I became separated from my husband. They do not love me as much as they said. Their love for me comes with a condition that I will tolerate my husband's bad behavior. They know how he treats me. I am grieving for the loss of the relationship with my in laws because we had many good memories together. I do love them. They are good people who also got affected by alcoholism. It is family disease. 
I start to lose hope about my marriage. My husband does not want a divorce, but he cannot stop drinking.
I am scared of the uncertainty.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I hope you can get strong enough to understand that staying in the marriage is causing way more harm than leaving (ending) it!

work on your boundaries. Work on this delusion at the thought that this marriage should be saved! It’s been over a long time! You’ve been in this marriage with one partner - who has ONLY worked against the vows and family unit! He is only causing harm to you, the kids and your future!

meetings in AA aren’t what make a drinker progress to non drinking - the step work does that! If he hasn’t done his steps then he isn’t doing HIS part in his recovery!

now he’s gambling the family money? Leave him for good! He can’t be trusted and he’s using the family money irresponsibly! That is NOT a good father! A good father, a deserving of love kind of man, would help his family feel safe and protected! But he’s doing just the opposite.

file for divorce! His parents are only mad because you aren’t planning to babysit their son anymore!

stop doing three times the work in the marriage while he does irreparable harm, he’s ruining your children by his example of what a husband/father looks like.

you will be better off doing the work of the parent without your other half dragging everyone down with worry and shame.

it is HIS work to do - step away and allow him to do it...if he will.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> I hope you can get strong enough to understand that staying in the marriage is causing way more harm than leaving (ending) it!
> 
> work on your boundaries. Work on this delusion at the thought that this marriage should be saved! It’s been over a long time! You’ve been in this marriage with one partner - who has ONLY worked against the vows and family unit! He is only causing harm to you, the kids and your future!
> 
> ...


My tears fall like rain when I found out he had credit cards that I have no idea about and when I saw how much he spent at the casino. He owes a big amount of taxes. I am not angry at him. I feel disappointed. I feel sorry for him. I know he feels really bad about it but he cannot seem to control his addiction. 
My kids and I already moved out but we are still married and has a joint account. I forced myself to move out to protect my kids mental health while they are still young. I was going to stay separate for a long time to raise my kids but the gambling is another level of headache. How do I protect myself and the kids financially while we are still married? I think of divorce too but I cannot seem to bring myself to do it. The codependency and trauma bond are so powerful.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

seekercv2020 said:


> My tears fall like rain when I found out he had credit cards that I have no idea about and when I saw how much he spent at the casino. He owes a big amount of taxes. I am not angry at him. I feel disappointed. I feel sorry for him. I know he feels really bad about it but he cannot seem to control his addiction.
> My kids and I already moved out but we are still married and has a joint account. I forced myself to move out to protect my kids mental health while they are still young. I was going to stay separate for a long time to raise my kids but the gambling is another level of headache. How do I protect myself and the kids financially while we are still married? I think of divorce too but I cannot seem to bring myself to do it. The codependency and trauma bond are so powerful.


You need to see a lawyer about a separation agreement -- they can be used to show that PAST the date of the separation, YOU will not be liable for any debts he incurs. PLEASE make sure to check with a lawyer about this.
You should also pull 1/2 out the joint account into an account ONLY in your name -- all your income should go into THAT from now on. Any joint bills, you can simply deposit just the required amount into the joint account for the bills.
That way he can't raid the joint account for his addictions.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> You need to see a lawyer about a separation agreement -- they can be used to show that PAST the date of the separation, YOU will not be liable for any debts he incurs. PLEASE make sure to check with a lawyer about this.
> You should also pull 1/2 out the joint account into an account ONLY in your name -- all your income should go into THAT from now on. Any joint bills, you can simply deposit just the required amount into the joint account for the bills.
> That way he can't raid the joint account for his addictions.


Thank you. I started to put a little bit of money into my own account. I feel so bad for doing it but I am will do it slowly. My AH has never touched the joint account. 
I saw a short email on my AH’s email that include “tinder code” and it was sent from a google voice number. Is it a scam or is it an indicator that my AH is using a google voice phone number to sign up for tinder ? I do not know how Tinder works. Can someone explain please. Thank you


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Please help yourself and divorce him.

no one can help you if you won’t help yourself.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> Please help yourself and divorce him.
> 
> no one can help you if you won’t help yourself.


I am seriously thinking about divorcing him but I am so terrified. I am afraid I will regret it. I take marriage vows seriously and really want to be with my spouse till the day he die. I am working with a therapist about it. I don’t want to stir up problems before the holiday so I will wait till next year. My AH told his family that I “crossed the red line” and he is “done done done” with me. I am not sure what he was talking about “red line”. I am beginning to see that my husband clearly does not love me. He is manipulative and know how to make himself look good while telling friends and family I am the bad guy. We had good memories and bad memories. I really have trouble remembering bad memories because the good memories are really good. I miss the good side of him. I also found a way to sign in to his Tinder account. He did not talk to anyone . The account is new and created after our separation. He was hidden it and just looking. I cry every time I look at my children. I feel like a complete failure. I am sad that my marriage is almost over.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

The sooner you file - the sooner you aren’t liable for 50% of the debt he’s creating. File soon, so you have a date of separation showing to the courts and he can’t pin his debts onto you.

All abuse types have to experience “great times” with someone they are with - that is called overcompensating for THEIR bad behavior. Every time my exH cheated he bought me expensive jewelry or took me on an expensive vacation. That’s what they do... when they have done terrible things. I recently sold all of my jewelry he gave me when he cheated - it was very freeing.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Beach123 said:


> The sooner you file - the sooner you aren’t liable for 50% of the debt he’s creating. File soon, so you have a date of separation showing to the courts and he can’t pin his debts onto you.
> 
> All abuse types have to experience “great times” with someone they are with - that is called overcompensating for THEIR bad behavior. Every time my exH cheated he bought me expensive jewelry or took me on an expensive vacation. That’s what they do... when they have done terrible things. *I recently sold all of my jewelry he gave me when he cheated - it was very freeing.*


AND gave you some spending money for something BETTER...Lol!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

The ending of the marriage isn’t on you - it’s on him.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> The ending of the marriage isn’t on you - it’s on him.


I confronted him abou


Beach123 said:


> The ending of the marriage isn’t on you - it’s on him.


I am going through a lot of anxiety tonight. I confronted him about Tinder. He said he did not know what it was at first and accidentally signed up ??? After seeing how serious I was about it, he admits he was just looking to see what it was and did not cheat on me. He apologized and promised to be a better man. I told him the marriage is over and he has not responded. I feel extremely codependent and anxious tonight. I try my best not to text him. I don’t know why it’s so painful and scary to let go. I am afraid without him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Fear of the unknown is one of the biggest reasons people stay in dysfunctional marriages. Your husband has repeatedly shown you that his addiction is so strong that he can’t or won’t change. Yes, it’s difficult to get out but staying is worse.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Fear of the unknown is always a problem. First, take a few really deep breaths. THINK about what you need to do, and come up with a plan.
See a lawyer, figure out the finances, child care/support, etc.. Making this plan with the lawyer will help you not be so fearful. You CAN do this. It will be really hard, but you WILL be ok.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your husband was the problem (drunk, on tinder, gambling, etc).
Now you are the problem. You can’t make the decision to get out of this hopeless situation.

He will destroy you and your children like he’s destroyed your marriage and family.

*If YOU let him.*


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He knew what tinder was. Don’t let him fool you...again.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Your husband was the problem (drunk, on tinder, gambling, etc).
> Now you are the problem. You can’t make the decision to get out of this hopeless situation.
> 
> He will destroy you and your children like he’s destroyed your marriage and family.
> ...


I know I have serious problem. I am in counseling to try to overcome it. I know what my AH did is wrong but I still don’t get angry at him. I don’t know why I still have hope that he will care about the marriage and to change to keep our family together for the kids. I am so frustrated with myself 😢. It took a lot for me to move out with the kids.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

seekercv2020 said:


> I know I have serious problem. I am in counseling to try to overcome it. I know what my AH did is wrong but I still don’t get angry at him. I don’t know why I still have hope that he will care about the marriage and to change to keep our family together for the kids. I am so frustrated with myself 😢. It took a lot for me to move out with the kids.


It’s not unusual you are living on hopium. Most have a problem making decisions.

You are standing in a jail cell with the keys in your hand. Your H is fine with you being in limbo. How are you liking it?

It stops the moment you want it to.

Time/life The two things you can never get back.

wake up !!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to be realistic. So far you seem to be relying on hope and that’s likely to let you down.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Mo


Openminded said:


> You need to be realistic. So far you seem to be relying on hope and that’s likely to let you down.


Financial uncertainty is a huge factor too. I have small kids to raise and I am scared I can’t afford to raise them on my income alone. What happen if I get sick and can’t work ? There are so many questions in my head. 
My AH is nice about the kids because we are still legally married. I get to keep my kids every night after work. Even though we don’t live together, there are no other man/woman in the picture yet. The kids are living in a stable environment with love and no fighting right now. If we got a divorce, I am sure AH will get ugly at some point during the process. There would be fighting , split custody and mind games with the kids etc. I am heartbroken to put my kids through that.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s worse to have your kids exposed to his chaos.

file divorce papers and state the kids need protection from him because he doesn’t stay sober.

request child support and spousal support.

start looking for a good job. You need to let people know you need help right now and for a short while until you get things in order.


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## ClayXIII (Jan 20, 2021)

He has to be at a place he is happy sober. I know from experience. I'm an addict and I know that drugs or drinking only mask things. Being sober is the only way he can heal. You cant make it happen. Yet you can be supportive either with him or at a distance. My first divorce ended badly. Yet we did becone friends for a bit. And that helped us both. Good luck. God bless.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Hello everyone,
I am back. I am still separated from my husband. His mother was nice and paid for my education and even paid for my sister’s education (there are more to the story but it’s the fact that she helped and I am extremely grateful for it). It comes with a price. She has been involved in every aspect of my marriage. I have been afraid to go against her wishes because she helped me and I feel forever indebted to her. Her son cannot make any independent decision without her. She used money to help her daughter and son in law too but she expected him to come “help” whenever she needed and the lack of boundaries ruined their relationship. My brother in law warned me that my mother in law would use money to manipulate people in her life but I do think she is nice , just lack of healthy boundaries. She would see an opportunity to “help” and used money to “rescue” and expect the person to return her “kindness” and she only expressed her wish of getting something in return after the fact that she helped. She would remind you about it over and over for the rest of your life.
My spouse is still actively drinking after a temporary effort of stopping. My mother in law called me and told me that I am not entitled to anything that my husband has (company, 401k, house, other assets) because she helped paying for the education and it’s the nice thing to do to leave without any money (I have small kids to raise). I did contribute to paying the mortgage and he did live off my income for a while at the beginning while he was building his company. He also blowed away a good portion to gambling. I am not greedy and will do what is right but I want to know what are my rights ? What is fair? Is she right? She has been calling me over this subject many times. When I cried and asked her to stop nagging about money , she would make comment like “you always act like you are hurt . Are you Ms. perfect ?”. I am hurt and confused.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So your husband is an alcoholic, he’s a gambler, and he’s on tinder looking to cheat.

My advice is this:
See an attorney. Divorce now.
Do NOT try to be fair in the divorce. Your husband was not and is not fair to you. The debt you know about is the tip of the iceberg.
Do not talk to his mother or him again, excite through an attorney.
You have two children to think of, it’s not your place to cut him some slack over some BS like your mother-in-law is doing, which is horrible.

See an attorney, set yourself and your feelings aside and let the attorney do their thing.

An alcoholic, gambler that cheats. That’s about as bad as it gets. RUN


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You MIL has NO say in the division of assets or money. Your LAWYERS will help you with all that.
Don't "give up" money that you are entitled to in the divorce just because SHE says so.
You DO have to think of your kids first and foremost.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> You MIL has NO say in the division of assets or money. Your LAWYERS will help you with all that.
> Don't "give up" money that you are entitled to in the divorce just because SHE says so.
> You DO have to think of your kids first and foremost.


Quoting for emphasis. THIS THIS THIS!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> So your husband is an alcoholic, he’s a gambler, and he’s on tinder looking to cheat.
> 
> My advice is this:
> See an attorney. Divorce now.
> ...


Thank you. I am so unhealthy in the mind because I actually think my MIL is right about the money so I agreed to sign over the house to her and she told me “it’s great” in the most cold hearted voice. It’s really bothering to me. I have not signed anything yet so it’s still fixable. I feel so indebted to my MIL because she paid for my college. I am in therapy to deal with this whole situation. My MIL is very overbearing, controlling and it’s her way or the highway. I am stressed talking to her. I am very hurt but I also think of my kids. They love their grandmother and their dad so much. I want to keep everyone as happy as possible to reduce the bad talks in front of my kids. I am willing to let go of relationship to just stay separate to raise my kids. I have opened my own account and put a small amount of money in case of emergency .
I am in a mental prison that I can’t seem to escape. I have been married to this family since I was 19. I am scared.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You need an attorney.
Do NOT sign or do anything without an attorney’s approval.
Your mother-in-law will do everything in her power to protect her son, and likely has zero concern for you. You are going to be forced to protect yourself. A gambling addict will eventually bankrupt himself and you by default if you don’t protect yourself by divorcing him.

You can choose to do whatever if you feel you’re montherinlaw should be repaid. However, legally it’s considered a gift, because it was, unless you promised to repay her, making it a loan. You are not required to repay a gift.
Don’t put yourself in a position to pay her anything required by law. Do it as best you can while taking care of your kids. The law is likely the only thing that will keep your alcoholic gambler contributing anything.
Protect yourself, and in turn, you can protect your kids.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> You MIL has NO say in the division of assets or money. Your LAWYERS will help you with all that.
> Don't "give up" money that you are entitled to in the divorce just because SHE says so.
> You DO have to think of your kids first and foremost.


I can’t get in to see my therapist until July. Her voice is messing up my mind “I paid for your education so you can work and earn income. Don’t you think it’s the right and nice thing to do to not take any money if you divorce my son?” “Why don’t you get back to my son?” Etc … I don’t even have the mental strength to file for a divorce. I feel much happier without living with my alcoholic husband and feel blessed to see my kids daily. If I file for a divorce, they would hire the best attorney to fight for custody. I am so scared. My mother in law has a lot of money to fight legally. 
I am just living day by day to raise my kids.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> You need an attorney.
> Do NOT sign or do anything without an attorney’s approval.
> Your mother-in-law will do everything in her power to protect her son, and likely has zero concern for you. You are going to be forced to protect yourself. A gambling addict will eventually bankrupt himself and you by default if you don’t protect yourself by divorcing him.
> 
> ...


She told me “it’s stupid to take out a loan. Why do you want to get in debt?” and helped paying. My husband refused to let me borrow for school. There was never any agreement to repay. It was purely a gift but a kind of gift that my MIL used to hang over my head forever. Thank you for mentioning the word “gift”. Everyone here is giving me sound advices and it helps easing my anxiety .


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you are even a decent parent, no court will take your kids. A decent lawyer can show gambling losses with a forensic accountant.
You can’t NOT file. You will either be bankrupted by an attorney or by your gambling husband. I’d take the attorney.
Your mother-in-law’s pony of view is biased.

Stop living in fear and do what you have to. It’s not like you have a choice.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> If you are even a decent parent, no court will take your kids. A decent lawyer can show gambling losses with a forensic accountant.
> You can’t NOT file. You will either be bankrupted by an attorney or by your gambling husband. I’d take the attorney.
> Your mother-in-law’s pony of view is biased.
> 
> Stop living in fear and do what you have to. It’s not like you have a choice.


Before my husband changed his email pw, I was able to transfer some evidence of his gambling losses to my email. My mother in law has it too. Deep down , I still love and care for him as a person and will try to avoid doing anything to hurt him. He is still the father of my kids. It’s his mother that I am afraid of. I hate how weak I am when it comes to this marriage. I have endured many years of this and don’t even know where to start. The separation is a miracle already. I still have “hope” that my husband will change and save the family. I will discuss this with my therapist.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

seekercv2020 said:


> Thank you. I am so unhealthy in the mind because I actually think my MIL is right about the money so I agreed to sign over the house to her and she told me “it’s great” in the most cold hearted voice. It’s really bothering to me. I have not signed anything yet so it’s still fixable. I feel so indebted to my MIL because she paid for my college. I am in therapy to deal with this whole situation. My MIL is very overbearing, controlling and it’s her way or the highway. I am stressed talking to her. I am very hurt but I also think of my kids. They love their grandmother and their dad so much. I want to keep everyone as happy as possible to reduce the bad talks in front of my kids. I am willing to let go of relationship to just stay separate to raise my kids. I have opened my own account and put a small amount of money in case of emergency .
> I am in a mental prison that I can’t seem to escape. I have been married to this family since I was 19. I am scared.


DO NOT sign over the house. Look you know that SHE used the $$$ for school to gain control over you. Well guess what -- the reality is there IS no control. Did you sign any papers when she gave you the $$? Was it an official loan?
If the answer is NO, then it was a GIFT to you from her -- even IF she had ulterior motives for doing that.
You can feel grateful to her for paying for school but you are NOT indebted to her.

You don't have to separate the kids from seeing their Dad or Grandmother. You WILL need to control the narrative with your kids since your MIL is so toxically manipulative.

It's NORMAL to be afraid -- this is a huge fundamental shift in your life. You didn't expect to have to be doing this -- but then again, your H hasn't helped and has caused the issues here. Your MIL is trying to squeeze a stone to get every last nickle out of you. Think about this -- would a Grandmother who LOVES her grandkids want their MOTHER to be penniless and homeless? What does that REALLY tell you about her. You and your kids don't need THAT type of "love".


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

seekercv2020 said:


> I can’t get in to see my therapist until July. Her voice is messing up my mind “I paid for your education so you can work and earn income. Don’t you think it’s the right and nice thing to do to not take any money if you divorce my son?”


NO it's NOT the right thing to NOT take any money -- this will be handled by the COURTS not your MIL.
You NEED child support, you NEED money to live if you were the stay at home Mom (alimony). Assets that you BOTH created during the marriage -- 1/2 of those are YOURS (in most states, it's 50/50). DO NOT let your MIL manipulate you and psych you out. If her voice is messing you up, then STOP LISTENING to her.



> “Why don’t you get back to my son?” Etc … I don’t even have the mental strength to file for a divorce. I feel much happier without living with my alcoholic husband and feel blessed to see my kids daily. If I file for a divorce, they would hire the best attorney to fight for custody. I am so scared. My mother in law has a lot of money to fight legally.
> I am just living day by day to raise my kids.


So, you realize she wants you to get back with her son so that SHE doesn't have to deal with him day in and day out. She wants YOU to be his caretaker.
Even if you don't divorce, you should file official separation papers to make sure that your finances are covered, and a child custody plan is worked out.

Get with a lawyer or two -- explain your fears with the MIL having money to fight. THEY can help you plan things out and explain how a divorce would work. Knowledge alleviates fear most times.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> DO NOT sign over the house. Look you know that SHE used the $$$ for school to gain control over you. Well guess what -- the reality is there IS no control. Did you sign any papers when she gave you the $$? Was it an official loan?
> If the answer is NO, then it was a GIFT to you from her -- even IF she had ulterior motives for doing that.
> You can feel grateful to her for paying for school but you are NOT indebted to her.
> 
> ...


Wow I almost cry reading your response. I want to give you a virtual hug! Thank you for your supportive wise words. I did not sign any paper when she paid for the school. Everyone here has no idea how much your response means to me. It prepares me mentally for the difficult journey ahead of me. I believe my H has the gambling under control because his mother got on to him but the drinking is still there. My kids are so little right now , I try to hang on until they are a little bit older. They adore their daddy and it’s killing me to think of the “what if” I did not give enough time for my H to work on his addiction and work on the marriage. It has been 8 months…


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Gambling is addiction just as bad as the alcohol. Don’t think he will stop gambling or the alcohol.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Gambling is addiction just as bad as the alcohol. Don’t think he will stop gambling or the alcohol.


It’s my mind playing tricks on me. I keep reminding myself that he has not changed for over 10 years but my mind keeps believing and hoping. I will be in therapy for as long as I need to be it in to get healthy.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

seekercv2020 said:


> *It’s my mind playing tricks on me*. I keep reminding myself that he has not changed for over 10 years but my mind keeps believing and hoping. I will be in therapy for as long as I need to be it in to get healthy.


As hard as it may be for you with all your weakness and fears, is time for you to get on with the program, because you need to get through your head that it's not longer about you and your fears, and the exerted control your MIL has on you, but about the future of your small children. You need to get this as a mantra through your head so that you start doing what needs to be done to ensure a fair economic and parenting schedule for you and the children. This is your main objective. Forget about MIL bullshits and conniving bullying. her actions are as good as you allowed them to be. If you don't allow any of it, then, nothing she says and do will affect you. 

The first thing you needed as soon as the day before yesterday is to already have the best lawyer you can get and to follow strictly to the letter what he/she advises you to do. Nothing else. Your attorney's legal team and the court will determine what you're due on a divorce settlement, not your MIL. Get that memorized.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The younger your children are when ending the marriage, the easier it is for them to adapt. Also the less time they have to deal with the trauma and dysfunction of living with an addict. You will be an example of strength to them. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There’s no living with an addict. A person addicted to TWO things? Impossible to the power of ten.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> The younger your children are when ending the marriage, the easier it is for them to adapt. Also the less time they have to deal with the trauma and dysfunction of living with an addict. You will be an example of strength to them.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


My kid asks about their dad every day and is missing him so much. My heart breaks every single time.


Evinrude58 said:


> There’s no living with an addict. A person addicted to TWO things? Impossible to the power of ten.


I don’t know why my mind has this huge “what if…” and “guilt” “shame” and “fear” feeling for thinking of leaving. I don’t understand my own feelings of love. My therapist has been a blessing to me.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I had a friend once who was extremely pushy for help once when I was unwell, she was always offering to babysit. It became a horror movie when I realised she was asking for the child pretty much every day... to entertain her son. We barely climbed out of that one, I felt so indebted and she made a point of holding that help over me but because it was my child, I snapped and let her know it was going to stop.

But your situation is so much worse. I am so sorry. My story pales in comparison; but take from it that there are kids involved now and they will be hurt if you become homeless and if you take him back - let that bring out the mama lion in you and shock her! Gambling and alcoholism and a mother-in-law telling you to sign over the house?? NO WAY!!

Yes she wants him to stay with you so that he doesn’t become her problem and financially ruin her! She’s in panic mode so use that to your advantage and don’t cave in. It’s not really her son or you that she cares about, or your kids - she’s protecting her own interests here. I doubt for one minute she’ll use any legal means or whatever to make you comply - I see the movements and fluff of a coward. People who make threats and ultimatums rarely act on them.

Trust me on this one hold your ground, she cannot touch your assets and I can guarantee she won’t be putting dollars forward to support her son if there’s a divorce. She won’t, she knows he’s a liability and simply wants him to stay with you.

You have a smart head on your shoulders so keep the emotions and love at the door for now. Later, yes he may change and yes it’s ok to love him. But he has to change by himself not because you made him.


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