# Am I the abuser? Is he? Both?



## Minuit à Paris (Sep 3, 2012)

Hello everyone and thank you for listening.

I really need advice and support.
I am a woman and have been married for 13 years and I am 33 (married since 19). My husband and I have 3 children (6yo twins and a 13yo).

So lets go!

For along time my husband has not been interested in sex at all. If I get dressed up sexy, that works,but he will never ever ever make and effort. I really suffer from a lack of a sex life and I have tried everything and always please my husband in bed but he is very much wam bam thank you mam.

Just after my twins were born my husband was seriously addicted to porn and would watch it non stop, it was heartbreaking for me considering I was exhausted and looking after the twins while he was watching porn. I asked him to stop, and finally he did, but I still think he is looking at porn, which I wouldn’t mind if he cared about our love life, or didn’t turn me down all the time (I am pretty and fit)

I think he is still secretly looking at porn and it is heartbreaking for me because he gets off and I am always left wishing he approached me for sex once in a while.

Today was a terrible day, my husband screamed in my face over and over that he hates me and threw his wedding ring across the room. He told me “see see in my eyes how much I hate you” over and over again.

I left the house and when I came back he said he loved me and that he has anger issues. That he loves me that he doesn't hate me.

He says I drive him to act crazy.

A huge problem in our relationship is that we have totally different dreams. I wanted to be close to family (both his and mine). I wanted to have another child. I want to make love.

I followed my husband to France and never see his or my family, he has told me he will never ever have another child with me because he doesn’t want to hurt the children he has already. These are the issues we fight about in our marriage, we are very poor in France as I cant get work here, far from the support of family, and the children and getting a very poor education. We are from Australia and NZ but he insists that this life is what is good for the children. 

I said, can't we separate and see other people? I would never take the children away from him and am willing to support him in every way, but I so crave love and passion, I want to feel loved and wanted, not hated and turned down constantly for sex. When ever I try and get him to compromise he screams that I am hurting him by saying that, that I only suggest these things to goad him. I don't goad any one any more, too old and tired, I just want to be happy and respected. 

I really don't know if I am the crazy one or he is these days, I don't know if I am the abuser or he is.

My husband does not help in anyway around the house and garden, he is the breadwinner and very judgemental of me. I would love to work, but he often goes away with his work and i have to be at home for the kids. 

I want to be happy, I want him to be happy.

I don't want to be blamed for everything and jump through any more hoops.

The trouble is I do care for him, and when he is sad or unhappy, I have to make him happy if I can. 

I have truly come to the point were I don't know if I have driven him to abusive behaviour. He is a good provided, he has a plan for the family, it is just not my plan. 

I am so sad, and resigned, every time I try and explain that maybe we would be better off with other people, or if he could compromise a little, he just makes me feel like I am trying to goad him. 

I know this post is all confused, and I am sorry, but I wish I knew whether or not I was the abuser? If I drove my husband to say and act with such hate?

Is this my fault?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I was going to say, maybe he needs to have some space of his own, and some freedom, but he has got all that, traveling for work and such. Surely he has ample downtime when he travels, if not maybe he should take a personal day when he does travel for work and kick back on his own. Sounds like he is stifled, but honestly, not your fault. Sounds like if you could work, you would. 
But is there any way you can develop a life of your own, either through education or volunteer work, or jumping through the hoops to be allowed to work? Are there any firms around that are from your home country, that you could work for legally? Or are you close to the embassy for your country, so that you could get a job there? 
My gut tells me that he is overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of you, plus three kids, and the setup gives him no freedom, no break, no possibility of having the tables turned, ever. On the other hand, it sounds like he is evading having to go back to home countries.
He's probably right. He has anger issues. Where they stem from, who knows. He might be the kind of person who always feels trapped, in which case therapy to the point where one can laugh at the ridiculousness of life (always being trapped!) is the only thing that can help. Is he generally a serious person, maybe he needs to learn how to be ridiculous every once in a while.


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## Minuit à Paris (Sep 3, 2012)

Just to be clear, My husband has nothing but space, he doesn't do anything apart from his work. I do everything else, I mow the lawn, cut the hedges, put out the bins, do the kids sport and homework, kids baths and fun times, do the cooking and cleaning. But yes, i will try and get a full time job aswell, maybe that will be enough.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I think you should find a nicer man. Someone who yells in your face saying they hate you, is not a loving relationship. You did nothing wrong. He is cold and mean. I would say take your kids to your home country to live your life near family, but you may have issues leaving the country with his kids. I don't know the rules in France. You should tell him if he can't be more loving and respectful, you will leave him. Give him a month.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You two seem to have multiple issues, but I really don't think your focus should be to "separate and see other people". Either work on your issues (which may involve separating to give each other space, I guess), or get divorced. But separating for the purpose of seeing other people is just going to throw gasoline on a smouldering fire. I would predict that the fights you currently have will be nothing compared to the animosity that will happen if you do that.

Why are you living in a country where it seems neither of you are native language speakers, especially when your financial state is tough and you can't work? 

And if you think things are tough now financially, how do you think they'll be if you're suddenly supporting two households on the same income? Have you given any consideration for how that would work?

To go back to your original question... Is he abusing you? Well, it doesn't sound like he's treating you with respect, and if he's watching porn instead of being intimate with you, he's not being fair. But verbal abuse is a difficult thing to define. How is it different than a really intense argument? In any case, you both need help to work through your issues together. Sounds like your husband could also use some anger management help as well, which might be a good start as well.

C


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

It is considered abuse if he is trying to control you somehow. It doesn't sound like that is the case. It sounds like he's just acting like a child having a temper tantrum.

Seeing other people won't help your situation. Getting involved with another man who is not emotionally invested in your relationship brings more problems than solutions. You may get your "feeling wanted and needed" itch scratched but you will most likely be used for sex. Relationships started when one of the parties is still married have a VERY low success rate. Men don't see committed women as long term relationship material but rather as someone to have sex with and then forget later on. Sad but true. 

So what does this mean? You need to work on your issues together. Let him know that you will not tolerate being screamed at like a child and if the poor behavior continues then you will consider leaving the relationship. Be calm and collected at all times.


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