# Advice needed (both male and female perspective would be nice)...thanks



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

A very short background. DH and I have been married for 7yrs, have one small child and hoping to have another one soon. Our marriage has been pretty good, ups & downs like normal. There was a time when DH was friendlier than I was comfortable with, with a female coworker. Through a LOT of working it out, talking, marriage counseling, relationship books, we've moved past that time. But since they work together on a daily basis, I never fully forget that she's there. I do trust him and don't think he talks to her at all except for work stuff.

SO, that being said. We are in the process of showing our home (it's up for sale), closing in a new home and our work schedules lately have been insane. So it's been stressful. 

Last week, we got into a argument about nothing and we BOTH kind of snapped and said stuff in a really nasty tone. DH started to walk away (something he's been trying to get better with, walk away and not participate)...but I instigated and started bring up co-worker and took my phone and said I'm going to call that B and you can vent to her blah blah blah. I had the phone up looking for her contact #...

So DH walks back. I can see he's not upset/angered/hyped up and tries to grab the phone from me. He grabbed my wrists and took the phone out of my hands. I started yelling I can't believe you grabbed my wrists and went to the other side of the room and said I was going to call her again...he came back and stood in front of me and said "Don't call" repeatedly...I was crying and told him to get out of my face etc. 

It was probably the worst fight we've ever had. DH ended up leaving in his car and going for a drive for almost the whole night. Our kid heard us/me crying and started crying  I felt so bad, went in and told kid it's ok, everything is ok, sometimes mommy & daddy argue but everything is ok. Kid falls asleep.

I call DH, we both acknowledge it was a horrible fight and now DH thinks because he did that (grabbed my wrists) that he's so disappointed with himself, is really down about the whole thing, doesn't know if staying with me is the best thing because he never thought he would do that and he did. 

I always said if anyone was physical with me I'd be done. BUT I also acknowledge that I instigated and he's never done that before. And I know if I didn't do that that wouldn't have happened. I am not minimizing what he did because he still had no right to do that BUT I think amidst all the stress, we both kind of snapped. Doesn't make it ok, but I think we can work through it.

So we had a few nights of being up all night talking, me crying for hours because I thought this was it, we were done. But we decided we are worth working through this and we want to be together. I feel like some stuff has to change though, but not sure about specifics...

MC again? Not so much time in between sessions this time though

IC for him? Or something like anger management? I don't know...

I'm going to finish reading 7 Language of love (only read part of it earlier this year). Any other book suggestions?

I want us to be happy again. We both know it will take some work. I hope he is willing to step up to the plate too 

Any advice?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Anyone?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

His Needs Her Needs is often recommended on this site


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Ok I agree and always said if hubby EVER physically hurt me I would leave him immediately but the way you described it, I would not count that. It was him getting his phone and it sounds like he did not mean. to hurt you so I would let that pass BUT as for his phone and if he's talking to her..you need to know. Tell him you need to confirm that nothing is happening so you can feel better. If he gets defensive then something is up. I would start snooping. Also yes do some more MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The Five Love Languages * by *Gary Chapman*


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## bluepocket (Oct 20, 2012)

It's borderline physical, but given the context, it sounds like he felt you were going to start getting shouty and aggressive with his colleague over the phone. Not only would this have been embarrassing, it would make his working days difficult. He wanted to stop you from embarrassing yourself and him and his colleague and the only way to do so was to get his phone back. Once he got it back he was no longer physical.

Honestly, to me it doesn't sound like his anger needs managed. He was angry. He doesn't 'get' angry often, right? You made him angry by threatening to turn his work days upside down by calling his colleague who you were referring to as a B... Let's face it, had you got through to her it was going to be a pretty one sided conversation, if you could even call it that.

It sounds to me that you both admit you 'snapped' but you kicked it up a notch. You need to tell him not to beat himself over grabbing your wrists. It's not abuse. 

Unless it becomes a regular thing, it'll be ok. Tell each other that you love each other, that you want to take care of each other and that you will both be more mindful of 'snapping' in future.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Ok I agree and always said if hubby EVER physically hurt me I would leave him immediately but the way you described it, I would not count that. It was him getting his phone and it sounds like he did not mean. to hurt you so I would let that pass BUT as for his phone and if he's talking to her..you need to know. Tell him you need to confirm that nothing is happening so you can feel better. If he gets defensive then something is up. I would start snooping. Also yes do some more MC.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Just to clarify, it was MY phone, not his. He does not talk to her unless he has to at work only (not cell phone, text or email). I do trust him on this. 

It's like I said that because he was walking away and I wanted to instigate and get under his skin...which I obviously did and embarrassed for doing so. We both did wrong


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

His behavior more than likely frightened him. He will need time to understand that it can never happen again. Nether of you can fall into this trap of angry outburst and disrespect for each other. You need to learn how to handle conflict. You can learn techniques through counseling. DW and I used this book. "Love Busters" by Harley. Try it.

Edit, Also "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

bluepocket said:


> It's borderline physical, but given the context, it sounds like he felt you were going to start getting shouty and aggressive with his colleague over the phone. Not only would this have been embarrassing, it would make his working days difficult. He wanted to stop you from embarrassing yourself and him and his colleague and the only way to do so was to get his phone back. Once he got it back he was no longer physical.
> 
> Honestly, to me it doesn't sound like his anger needs managed. He was angry. He doesn't 'get' angry often, right? You made him angry by threatening to turn his work days upside down by calling his colleague who you were referring to as a B... Let's face it, had you got through to her it was going to be a pretty one sided conversation, if you could even call it that.
> 
> ...


Yeah you pretty much got it. We argued, he started to walk away, I yelled louder and instigated. He came back to take the phone away and I ignored him so he grabbed my wrists and took the phone out of my hands. I said I was going to call again and he just kept standing there don't call....

Now writing this out and looking back on it, I really escalated the fight by doing all of this. Yes he was wrong for grabbing by wrists but in context, I can see why he would do that. I shouldn't have threatened that especially when that is his (and our family's) livelihood. 

No, nothing EVER has like this happened before, but we've also never had this much stress going on at once. Our kid has been sleeping terribly too which means we ALL have not been sleeping properly. That with the current and new house and busy work schedules, it just blew up out of nowhere.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> His behavior more than likely frighten him. He will need time to understand that it can never happen again. Nether of you can fall into this trap of angry outburst and disrespect for each other. You need to learn how to handle conflict. You can learn techniques through counseling. DW and I used this book. "Love Busters" by Harley. Try it.


Yeah, I think you are spot on. He seemed REALLY mad at himself after it all. We both to learn how to argue, we were doing good for so long but that still doesn't make that ok. 

I'll check this book out, thanks


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## bluepocket (Oct 20, 2012)

What I learned from an MC is that moving house is waaaay stressful than you'd think. On a par with divorce or bereavement. Only after being told that did a lot of things make sense.

I hear you on the poorly sleeping kid, lack of sleep is a killer. You read about people hallucinating after being awake for 24 hours. Is it all that different when you have interrupted sleep for months? I don't think so. You may not think there's pink elephants in the room but you can start thinking pretty wacky things about the people close to you, plus it'll seem clear as day - but that's what hallucinations are. I've been there. Not saying you were hallucinating! eek! Just pointing out that when we're tired for a long time, weird things happen.

I'm glad things are much clearer for you now. Sounds like a one-off that was really nasty. These things happen. It's just awesome that you have a place to vent and get some opinions. I hope things go much better for both of you guys in the future and your little one starts sleeping better!

edit: BTW, you asked in your title for male and female perspective. I'm male just so you know.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

yellowstar;1154710
No said:


> Oh this is an easy one. You need to Ferberize your child.
> 
> Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night
> 
> Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems: New,Revised,and Expanded Edition: Richard Ferber: 9780743201636: Amazon.com: Books


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

bluepocket said:


> What I learned from an MC is that moving house is waaaay stressful than you'd think. On a par with divorce or bereavement. Only after being told that did a lot of things make sense.
> 
> I hear you on the poorly sleeping kid, lack of sleep is a killer. You read about people hallucinating after being awake for 24 hours. Is it all that different when you have interrupted sleep for months? I don't think so. You may not think there's pink elephants in the room but you can start thinking pretty wacky things about the people close to you, plus it'll seem clear as day - but that's what hallucinations are. I've been there. Not saying you were hallucinating! eek! Just pointing out that when we're tired for a long time, weird things happen.
> 
> ...



Thank you


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Oh this is an easy one. You need to Ferberize your child.
> 
> Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night
> 
> Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems: New,Revised,and Expanded Edition: Richard Ferber: 9780743201636: Amazon.com: Books


Funny, I was JUST looking at these last night...guess it's time to just order and read. Looks like I have some good reading to do  Thank you


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good for you, reaching out for others who have been there. 

On the sleeping child, our boy didn't sleep more than two hours at a time, for six months. We enacted Dr. Ferber's method and by the third day we thought a miracle happened. We all slept through the night. LOL, good luck.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Good for you, reaching out for others who have been there.
> 
> On the sleeping child, our boy didn't sleep more than two hours at a time, for six months. We enacted Dr. Ferber's method and by the third day we thought a miracle happened. We all slept through the night. LOL, good luck.



I hope so, kid was a great sleeper but now at 3 has become crazy! Thanks so much


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ugh yeah... toddler years... and I do agree. Lack of sleep really effects ones mood and thinking. This comming from someone who is lucky to get even 2 hours of sleep a day. Question about the wrist grabbing. Was it just him grabbing your wrist or had he grabbed it so hard it hurt?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Ugh yeah... toddler years... and I do agree. Lack of sleep really effects ones mood and thinking. This comming from someone who is lucky to get even 2 hours of sleep a day. Question about the wrist grabbing. Was it just him grabbing your wrist or had he grabbed it so hard it hurt?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not really grabbing so hard it hurt, more like grabbing and then taking phone out of my hands and putting it on the bed. And then I grabbed it again. Nothing that hurt. But I want for both of us to fix our way of communicating especially when arguing. I'm sure he could have easily hurt my wrists because does martial arts and is a strong guy, but it was really grabbing my wrists to get the phone out (and so I wouldn't call). We have been talking about it for awhile now since it happened...and how we have to both start putting in time/effort to improve our marriage & communication again. AND force ourselves to go to sleep earlier, no staying up reading & watching tv till 1 or 2am like we have been :sleeping:


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Yellowstar,

I think most have been where you where with this type of argument and the grabbing the wrists is not good. I am glad that is all it was and did not escalate.

What I honestly take away from your post is that you have to drop the other woman thing immediately. It should not be your trump card for conflicts. 

If she is more than a figment of you subconcious then take care of it but drop it immediately otherwise.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yellowstar - ya know i think it's a good thing that he and you are so very shocked by this. To me it shows that it's not who you or your husband really are.

I'd go back to MC...even if just for a few sessions and go over your communicating skills and boundaries.

As was said before not much more stressful than buying and selling houses... it's a good time to be on good verbal terms with each other and everyone else anyway.

AND get rid of her number from your phone if you haven't already.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Thank you ALL, I really appreciate the insight and read DH the responses too. Made both of us feel better and we're on the right track--starting to talk about the work we need to do, books to read, time to put in for both of us, etc. Thank you <3


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> A very short background. DH and I have been married for 7yrs, have one small child and hoping to have another one soon. Our marriage has been pretty good, ups & downs like normal. There was a time when DH was friendlier than I was comfortable with, with a female coworker. Through a LOT of working it out, talking, marriage counseling, relationship books, we've moved past that time. But since they work together on a daily basis, I never fully forget that she's there. I do trust him and don't think he talks to her at all except for work stuff.
> 
> SO, that being said. We are in the process of showing our home (it's up for sale), closing in a new home and our work schedules lately have been insane. So it's been stressful.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you both kinda flipped out. It happens. Doesn't sound like he started whaling on you or anything. You both were kind of to blame. I wouldn't read too much into the physical aspect of it, just watch the boiling over next time and sounds like you are headed in the right direction.


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