# Feeling Like I'm Missing Out



## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

This is more or less a small rant on my part, it's just something that comes up every once in a while that stings. 

My husband and I run a small photography part-time business together, he's the photographer, I'm in charge of editing, scheduling, emails, bookkeeping, etc and sometimes come and shoot as his second. While I do 90% of the work, he is the face of the company, and of course, like all faces, he gets 100% of the credit, tips, gifts, and thank-yous. 

Most of the time I can live with this since I understand that he's the one that people see the most, and I get it that whatever appreciation he gets I technically get secondhand. It just would be nice, though, if sometimes someone could recognize my efforts in the work. 

Today he came back from an annual dance event we cover every year. He had tips, handwritten thank yous directed only at him, and a literal crate filled with bacon-flavored goodies (it required a crowbar to open). Everything was only for him. I'm looking at going through, culling and editing about 6-7,000 photos in the next couple of days on top of my other daily responsibilities, and I feel like I was forgotten. I even asked him if I came up at all as the editor and he said he tried to mention it but, like always, he got brushed off as being "too kind" or "too humble" with giving me any credit for the work. Every client we've ever worked for has met me, some even know me personally, but it seems like no matter what I or my husband do, no one is ever willing to give me any credit, even if it was a photo that I specifically took. 

I don't know, it just sometimes stings and I'd like it not to. I'm really proud of him and I know he thoroughly loves his work, and feeling this downtrodden makes me feel like a bad partner to him. I need to figure out a way to pull myself up and not let it get to me as much.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Learn photography.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Learn photography.


I'm not entirely sure what you're getting at here. Could you please explain? I stated already that I am also a photographer, so how is learning photography supposed to help with this particular issue?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> I'm not entirely sure what you're getting at here. Could you please explain? I stated already that I am also a photographer, so how is learning photography supposed to help with this particular issue?


 I think he's saying you go out and take the pics and let hubby do the rest.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

What is your love language? Is it possible that you need more words of affirmation from your husband? Maybe you want to feel more like a team with your husband in this scenario like you do in the rest of your relationship? Just spitballing here.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Stop living your life through him.

Live your own life.

Get and earn your 'own' Kudos.

I do understand where you are coming 'from'.

Make your part in the operation a job, not a passion.

Find a passion of your own.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's seen by clients as the primary talent in the business. Try to find some other way to shine -- outside the business -- that doesn't include him and this will bother you less.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Welcome to the real world.

A former neighbor is a food chemist who designed the flavor for a wildly popular sports drink. As a reward he got his picture on the cover of the company annual report.

The sales team that sold the flavor to the customer got six figure bonuses.

You need to promote yourself both as the photographer and as the business person.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

PigglyWiggly said:


> What is your love language? Is it possible that you need more words of affirmation from your husband? Maybe you want to feel more like a team with your husband in this scenario like you do in the rest of your relationship? Just spitballing here.


My love language is actually acts of service, but I think you do make a good point in bringing up love languages in this case. I was thinking about it and realized that it isn't so much the fact that I don't get credit as it is that he doesn't actively help promote me as editor the way I promote him. Being a team is definitely the core part of this for us, so I think in a lot of ways my esteem as a team member sometimes falls simply because it appears like I'm carrying more weight than he is and he isn't helping support my side as I do his. 

One of the biggest reasons why I do everything on the business end is because he is completely unable to (his words, not mine). He doesn't have the patience or organizational skills to keep up with everything it takes to keep the business running, and has zero idea of what to do with editing and won't learn. But he absolutely loves doing the mechanical side with the photography itself, figuring out the lighting, f-stop, everything it takes to actually create a shot. So the team aspect does feel like it's falling short, that was very insightful, thank you!


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Everyone had really good advice, thank you! It gave me a different perspective to come at this from. 

I agree that it would be beneficial on my end to have something that is purely mine to work with and promote as a skill/strength independent of my work with my husband. It was something that I think I needed to hear from a neutral third party for it to really become clear as an answer to this particular hangup. 

Now for the fun part of discovering what that might end up being! Thank you again!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> ...and a literal crate filled with bacon-flavored goodies (it required a crowbar to open).


Did he at least share some of the bacon?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> I'm not entirely sure what you're getting at here. Could you please explain? I stated already that I am also a photographer, so how is learning photography supposed to help with this particular issue?


Book your own photo shoots. Get yourself out there for a wedding or the like. Let your H edit your pictures. I see no reason you should not go on your own. Do you?


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Do you pay yourself out of the business?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> Andy1001 said:
> 
> 
> > Learn photography.
> ...


Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. What I meant was start doing the photography yourself and insist on him helping with the editing,photoshop,printing etc. If you are using this as your main source of income then insist on an equal hourly salary for both of you. 
It is so easy to start believing the plaudits and congratulations that he probably believes he is an artist and you are his laborer. 
I would put him wise very quickly if it were me. 
Modern photography is all about the editing process,in a lot of cases the photographer is basically a tripod that talks.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. What I meant was start doing the photography yourself and insist on him helping with the editing,photoshop,printing etc. If you are using this as your main source of income then insist on an equal hourly salary for both of you.
> It is so easy to start believing the plaudits and congratulations that he probably believes he is an artist and you are his laborer.
> I would put him wise very quickly if it were me.
> Modern photography is all about the editing process,in a lot of cases the photographer is basically a tripod that talks.


That makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately the reason why I do the editing and everything else is because he quite literally cannot figure it out himself. Otherwise we would be switching roles regularly. This set up ends up playing up both of our strengths, although I have been growing stronger on the more technical end of things. I have shot several events myself, although despite me being the one with the camera he somehow was still given credit by the clients which just totally makes my head spin hahaha
I hope I can try to teach him editing sometime soon since I feel it might also help with understanding the needs or wants from future clients. He's just a bit stubborn and doesn't believe in his own patience to sit and figure it out. 

Luckily it isn't out only source of income, just something that helps out from time to time, and we see any earnings as joint earnings that go back into either the business or our home. 

Also luckily I know for a fact that he doesn't consider himself the artiste, he considers his end of the work the mechanical side whereas my editing is the creative. He's actually very shy and has a great deal of trouble defending my efforts to our clients, and when he does they often dismiss him as being too kind to me since they genuinely do not believe that I do anything other than answer emails. It's something we've both tried to explain before, but it is what it is.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

FrenchFry said:


> Do you pay yourself out of the business?


We view all earnings as joint earnings in the business and put all of the money first toward any priorities with the business or house, leaving the rest as date money or a dinner fund for our family if there's a special occasion. Aside from special gifts that are strictly meant for him (i.e. the bacon box), we don't divide the income per person since it's all going to the same place anyways.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Book your own photo shoots. Get yourself out there for a wedding or the like. Let your H edit your pictures. I see no reason you should not go on your own. Do you?


I think my point may have gotten a little lost in the original post, because I do this. But even when I am the photographer, he still manages to get the credit from everyone else. I've actually had several photos that I personally shot and edited that were then circulated in the performance community on an international level, and all credits were given to him (he wasn't even at the show). No idea why this happens, especially since both he and I make it clear to our clients who is shooting and who is editing. 

I fear the only way that I might ever get proper credit would be to go at it completely alone and start my own business and honestly credit and praise isn't worth that to me. It would just be nice not to have to fully separate myself from my husband in order to be treated if not equally then a least to a level above what I have now. 

I wish he could edit, but he hasn't been able to learn. He's stuck on the mechanical level of photography which is great since he's extremely good at it, but it would be nice for him to try to expand a little. He tells me that he doesn't have the patience or "creative eye" for it, which is why he's always left that side of the work to me.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

nice777guy said:


> Did he at least share some of the bacon?


hahaha we actually gave it to a close friend of ours who would appreciate it more than either of us but he happily kept the crowbar that came with it!


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP

do you operate this business as a hobby and the money is just "nice" or is this a serious business venture you derive earning a living from?

you have stated you husband is dismal at the editing end. OK is it correct to assume he is very talented behind the camera?

I worked with a family run business like yours, only she did the pics ad he did all the editing. without a doubt, this gal knew how to get "just the right shot" and her talent behind the camera showed. She had a huge client list and made good $$$ because of her talent.

what I am getting at....

if this is a serious business and he IS the talent making it happen......put your big girl panties on and stop sniveling like a ten year old not getting all the attention. You should be thankful you have an aspiring opportunity and make the most of it. it sounds like you are resenting your husband for his skill/talent being so concerned with the "appreciation" he receives and not receiving any yourself. sorry but just the way I see it. you are way wrong for feeling the way you do.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> We view all earnings as joint earnings in the business and put all of the money first toward any priorities with the business or house, leaving the rest as date money or a dinner fund for our family if there's a special occasion. Aside from special gifts that are strictly meant for him (i.e. the bacon box), we don't divide the income per person since it's all going to the same place anyways.


I do a bit of the behind the scenes work with my husband's business as well and he is definitely the public face.
Our "net profits" are structured similarly to yours where the majority go towards the business and then the bills. However, what does seem to help in keeping it as a buisness and feeling less taken advantage of is that I get bonuses when goals or accolades are achieved - that are just mine. For example, we got a kickback from a vendor of a few hundred dollars. My husband automatically gave it to me as acknowledgement of the hard work I do, and in this case because I was the one dealing with the vendor issues. (I usually spend the bonus on frivolous girl stuff. ) 

This, of course, is not the direct accolades that he gets but it is an acknowledgement from him and the buisiness that I am a real, integral part. It definitely keeps me from feeling like I'm just part of his hobby - I actually generate revenue individually.

I don't know if that would help you but I thought I'd throw it out there.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

x598 said:


> OP
> 
> do you operate this business as a hobby and the money is just "nice" or is this a serious business venture you derive earning a living from?
> 
> ...


I can understand where I came across as "sniveling," but my point wasn't being upset that he was getting all of the attention for his work. I was specifically referring to my own work, not just the editing. My own photographs that I take are always attributed to him, even when the clientele saw me being the one (and sometimes only one) taking photographs at an event. Our entire clientele list actually comes from me and my own work in the performance world. 

I would never say he is "dismal" at editing, what I have said again and again is that he refuses to do it because it's requires more patience than he has. If he ever sat down and learned the process I think he would be absolutely brilliant with it, it's really just a matter of him (according to his own words) not having a "creative eye." I don't believe I resent him at all for his ability behind the camera, in fact I do everything I can to learn from him and promote the mechanical prowess he's developed over the years. I feel like we would both do well for ourselves as well as our business if we're both capable of doing both sides of the photographic development process. 

This actually began as a hobby because I knew he would need something to do while I was in the performing circuit, so we bought a camera and it sort of blossomed from there. He had always wanted to try photography but never had the inclination to just go for it until then. With the network available in my own work as a dancer I was able to secure him multiple events which then spread into dancers' private lives like weddings and such, and then it became a business. 

I may have already said this, but in case I hadn't, the problem with crediting is something that both _he_ and I are bothered by. He's tried promoting me multiple times and talked up my talent with clientele but they think he's being humble. I'm typically reduced to "the one who answers emails." He finds it just as frustrating as I do because, like me, we see this as a team effort. He's trying to figure out what he can do as my partner to encourage and appreciate my efforts the same way I do his.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> I think my point may have gotten a little lost in the original post, because I do this. But even when I am the photographer, he still manages to get the credit from everyone else. I've actually had several photos that I personally shot and edited that were then circulated in the performance community on an international level, and all credits were given to him (he wasn't even at the show). No idea why this happens, especially since both he and I make it clear to our clients who is shooting and who is editing.
> 
> I fear the only way that I might ever get proper credit would be to go at it completely alone and start my own business and honestly credit and praise isn't worth that to me. It would just be nice not to have to fully separate myself from my husband in order to be treated if not equally then a least to a level above what I have now.
> 
> I wish he could edit, but he hasn't been able to learn. He's stuck on the mechanical level of photography which is great since he's extremely good at it, but it would be nice for him to try to expand a little. He tells me that he doesn't have the patience or "creative eye" for it, which is why he's always left that side of the work to me.


Me, as a H, would let those that give me credit that was not due for my W work would be told as such. In short, your H should be putting your name to the pictures you have taken. It is the right thing to do. 

As far as editing...simply say, "Your turn". That is what my W would do.


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