# why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?



## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

I'm soul searching. I have read and read where 90% of the people blame the spouse for failing to make the cheater happy. 
I'm not that kind of spouse. I got cheated on. Now in therapy sessions he is listing things he wants me to change. I list things I want him to change. I want him to acknowledge I exist, show he loves, cares and wants me. 
He has so far listed every piece of my personality, my cooking, my housekeeping, how I breathe even. 
Seems to me he wants a different woman all together. 
Sure I dropped the ball with the marriage, but it is not all my fault that it got stale. I got tired of an absent husband, father, lover and friend. I just trudged through thinking that someday we would find each other again. 
He says he is wrong and sorry for the affair. He wants to stay together and be a happy couple again. But he also claims all he did to cause the marriage to fail is give up on the marriage and look for another woman. 

HELLO. Did he come to me for sex? NO. Did he try to talk? NO. Did he avoid me and family at any cost? YES.

Pipe in and lets see just how many out there really think when a spouse cheats, it is the other spouses resposibility to fix it, and take the blame.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's called projection and blame-shifting.

NO ONE is responsible for their partner cheating.

It is a choice the partner makes, plain and simple. 

My ex was not there for me emotionally at all and that def made attention from someone else nice, buat at the end of the day, no one held a gun to my head and made me do it. It's my deepest regret in life. I left very soon after and wish like hell I would have just not done it. Stupid.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

You are not at all responsible for his cheating. Sometimes the cheating spouse is missing something at home that will lead them to cheat but in the end, that is still a choice they made and they were not forced into it. They should have said to their spouse that they were not happy or confided in their spouse about anything that was lacking. The loyal spouse can better themselves to save the marriage but the LS is never in any way at fault for the other cheating.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

heartbroken1957 said:


> I'm soul searching. I have read and read where 90% of the people blame the spouse for failing to make the cheater happy.


Perhaps it is because they focus on blame rather than how to make sure their spouse is happy?

They are diametrically opposed goals seeking to be absent from blame vs. seeking actively to make love bank deposits and limit withdrawals...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

JellyBean

"It's my deepest regret in life. I left very soon after and wish like hell I would have just not done it. Stupid."

Are you saying that you cheated, regretted it, and then YOU left? Or did you mean to say your PARTNER left?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Part of the less-than-enjoyable aspects of my job as criminal investigator is listening to adult pedophiles tell me how their 3 year old rape victim enticed them or otherwise was responsible for what happened. Not sure how he believed having sex with another woman was going to improve your cooking skills. See how ridiculous this sounds? He cheated, he's wrong, he has no excuse, end of story. If he were truly remorseful, he wouldn't try to justify his own failures by laying the responsibility at your feet. Being a jerk was his choice and his alone. If he had been married to any other woman on earth he would have done the same because nobody with the breath of life in them is perfect. Even if a perfect woman did exist, why does he imagine he would deserve her?


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

unbelievable that is exactly how I felt about it. The woman he was communictaing with had no idea what he was like. He had no idea what they were really like. He serfed from sight to sight trying to find a real person and did find a few. Only one connected. He quit before there was any physical sex. He did have a few chat sessions with mastribation. 
I just feel if I step up and change all the things he is asking for, then what? 
I feel that way because every week in therapy it is a new demand. I am getting frustrated with it and I would like to ask the therapist just where she is letting this go. This is second therapist, first one, H thought he was partial to me. 
I love the hell out of my H. But I am tearing my heart apart trying to keep him. I feel like he is making me prove I love him. Could that be it?


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

That is true unbelievable. As my father said, my husband would've cheated no matter who he was married to. In fact my husband also admitted that he wouldve probably cheated even if he was with his previous girlfriend once he got on the internet dating sites. 

Unfortunately they have a cheater's heart and they rewrite the history of the marriage to justify it to themselves about their lack of morals because they are unable to face the truth about themselves. It is easier for them to blame someone else instead of having to look within themselves at their faults, and who easier to blame, the spouse.

Sure, my husband too could've come to me and spoken of his "unhappiness" and lack of friends and what we could do about it or gone to marriage counselling either alone if I was unwilling to go. I get the impression from family members who know of my husband's cheating that it is what men do, although they havent blamed me directly, I get the feeling from them that is normal for a man to cheat. Well they dont know because it hasent happened to them. I was raised with morals and no infidelity in my family so it is a shock when your husband cheats then blames you for it. I was with my ex for 7 years and he never cheated on me, so what made my husband become one? Well because he was raised with it and he has had too many girlfriends in the past to be able to be faithful to one woman.
.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> part of the less-than-enjoyable aspects of my job as criminal investigator is listening to adult pedophiles tell me how their 3 year old rape victim enticed them or otherwise was responsible for what happened. Not sure how he believed having sex with another woman was going to improve your cooking skills. See how ridiculous this sounds? He cheated, he's wrong, he has no excuse, end of story. If he were truly remorseful, he wouldn't try to justify his own failures by laying the responsibility at your feet. Being a jerk was his choice and his alone. If he had been married to any other woman on earth he would have done the same because nobody with the breath of life in them is perfect. Even if a perfect woman did exist, why does he imagine he would deserve her?


This!!!


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Doesnt it depend what we are blaming the person for? Yes the affair is 100% the fault of the person that cheated but most affairs happen because something is missing in the marrrage.


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Indy Nial, what was missing in my marriage was that we didnt have any friends and my husband thought I was unsocial. I admit I am not a social person and am just happy to have my family and close friend to fill my needs. He on the other hand as I found out, wanted friends so he joined internet dating sites to talk to "people", the fact that these people were only women meant that once he started this he became addicted to it which lead to cheating because where his mind went, his body followed.

He then said he pushed me aside, so did he push me aside before or after he started chatting to other women. My feelings tell me he pushed me aside after he started getting the thrill of attention from other women.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> JellyBean
> 
> "It's my deepest regret in life. I left very soon after and wish like hell I would have just not done it. Stupid."
> 
> Are you saying that you cheated, regretted it, and then YOU left? Or did you mean to say your PARTNER left?


I am the one who left. I regret the affair.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Part of the less-than-enjoyable aspects of my job as criminal investigator is listening to adult pedophiles tell me how their 3 year old rape victim enticed them or otherwise was responsible for what happened.


Kudos to you Sir. In my job as a sys-admin I came across one of these scumbags downloading stuff that is burned in my brain. I neatly hand balled it the Federal Police. I can't even begin to imagine talking to one! 
Thank you.


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

Indy Nial, This is exactly what I am asking myself and the group. 
True something was missing. Not to me, but to him. Now for 16 mths I have asked what is missing? What do you want? What did "I" DO WRONG? You see it is automatic to first leave the cheater. Then when you discover you really love this person and are able to forgive what they have done. You start questioning why. What did I do to make him look to another source to fill the void in our marriage. Was he selfish? Yes, he had no intention of talking to me about it. He wanted everyone to look at him and say "Oh poor H." So it is easy for him to convince himself that He did nothing wrong. Because I was a "bad wife" in his eyes, he deserved to have an affair. I deserve the blame.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

heartbroken1957 said:


> So it is easy for him to convince himself that He did nothing wrong. Because I was a "bad wife" in his eyes, he deserved to have an affair. I deserve the blame.


Sorry but this isn't how it works. If he can't own that him cheating on you was WRONG and that he did it of his own volition, you have a lot bigger problems.

Nobody "deserves" to be cheated on by their spouse.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I think many people just are cheaters from the get go. My SIL was cheated on and he did it from almost the beginning (she had no idea). So she didn't have time to do anything wrong.

I've got an acquaintance that cheated on her husband. He practically worshipped her and treated her like a queen.

Calling BS on the it's the faithful spouses fault.


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

Jellybean I am beginning to think you are right. I am seeing and hearing things that are not fitting the puzzle. 
Magnoliagal I'm not sure every cheater is one from the git go, but yes there are those who just never quit. 
I am definately feeling he is full of it when he is blaming failure of the marriage and my keeping of the marriage flame. He can't state one single incident where he tryed to talk to me.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

unbelievable said:


> Part of the less-than-enjoyable aspects of my job as criminal investigator is listening to adult pedophiles tell me how their 3 year old rape victim enticed them or otherwise was responsible for what happened. Not sure how he believed having sex with another woman was going to improve your cooking skills. See how ridiculous this sounds? He cheated, he's wrong, he has no excuse, end of story. If he were truly remorseful, he wouldn't try to justify his own failures by laying the responsibility at your feet. Being a jerk was his choice and his alone. If he had been married to any other woman on earth he would have done the same because nobody with the breath of life in them is perfect. Even if a perfect woman did exist, why does he imagine he would deserve her?





Brennan said:


> This!!!


And applies equally to female cheaters, btw.

A cheater has to own their sh!t.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

The cheater is to blame, however the other spouse can contribute to-NOT cause-the cheating.
My father was unfaithful to my mother. While she could not make him cheat, the constant screaming and abuse did not help. It was his choice to go get a side dish.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Mrs.G said:


> The cheater is to blame, however the other spouse can contribute to-NOT cause-the cheating.
> My father was unfaithful to my mother. While she could not make him cheat, the constant screaming and abuse did not help. It was his choice to go get a side dish.


Which came first? The cheating or the yelling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

Mrs. G. can you look back and understand why your mom was screaming? This is what I am looking at. What actions and why only my actions, are to blame for his "unhappyness". 
Do you think your dad was some of the blame for your moms upsets. Were you old enough to understand that perhaps he was upsetting the "apple basket" and her way of dealing was screaming. Just as his way of dealing was to have an affair. 

When I first posted on here, I had responses of "You didn't take care of his needs, so he went else where". This seemed to be the norm, both here and in my house. I thought I should be hearing, "he's at fault too, because he didn't take care of my needs" I just didn't go have an affair. I got depressed and at my way to unhealthy. 
This is why I ask "Why does the cheated on spouse, get the auto response of "You didn't take care of his/her needs". So sure they are going to look elsewhere. 

Not my view. I actually feel the cheater is a bit more to blame, because he/she didn't try to fix it first. Instead took the easy way out. 
Now I/We are trying to repair and he is finding it too hard. It would be easier to blame me for all of it. I am the one who needs to change. 
How long does this stage last? anyone know? I don't know if I have it in me to try and be supportive when I'm being beaten down.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

heartbroken1957 said:


> Mrs. G. can you look back and understand why your mom was screaming? This is what I am looking at. What actions and why only my actions, are to blame for his "unhappyness".
> Do you think your dad was some of the blame for your moms upsets. Were you old enough to understand that perhaps he was upsetting the "apple basket" and her way of dealing was screaming. Just as his way of dealing was to have an affair.
> I think that while my father was not perfect, he was a loving and devoted husband and father-before the affair. My mother is a cruel and hateful woman; she emasculated the poor man. Nobody on my father`s side likes her; she likes to intimidate and control people with guilt and abuse. If anyone loved to "upset the apple cart", it was her.
> 
> ...


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

michzz said:


> Which came first? The cheating or the yelling?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The screaming and abuse came long before.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Mrs.G said:


> While she could not make him cheat, the constant screaming and abuse did not help. It was his choice to go get a side dish.


My children might say the same thing. Our house wasn't a pleasant place to be during the two years I had to live with a lying, cheating spouse. The bad fights really came on Sunday afternoons. The estranged husband would arrive back at the house around 4 in the afternoon. He would immediately plant himself on the couch and ignore me and our children. Why? He had been out partying (and swinging) with his women all weekend in glorious style....and he had a hangover. Not a pretty picture for our three children to see. Screaming? Abuse? Nothing I ever dished out could even come close to what he really deserved. He robbed me of everything.

Cheating is wrong in so many ways. It destroys a loyal spouse on so many levels. Heartbroken, never accept that blame. That is just part of the affair carnage.....trying to further damage the loyal spouse.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Heartbroken1957, what follows is what I consider one of my life’s biggest lessons.

1) I am only ever responsible for my own behaviour. 2) I am never responsible for another person’s behaviour. 3) I am never responsible for how someone responds to my behaviour.


Your husband is blaming you for his behaviour, just like a seven year old child would. Just tell him that you do not accept blame or responsibility for how he RESPONDED to the problems in your marriage.

Bob


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

See, my IC told me that she could understand that the environment I was living in (emotional abuse) led to me having an affair. But to this day I still don't fault that for me deciding to what I did...

I can see both sides of it but personally for me... I lay all the blame for deciding to go through with it on myself. I regret I didn't leave before it happened.


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

AFEH I will go to my grave screaming "I didn't force him to have an affair." I believe that. 
I have listed again and again what I did in the way of not being a good wife. 
The problem is I'm not hearing from him what he did to be a bad husband. 
We both did things to let the marriage get stale, if that's what it is.
I probably more than him, but all I hear him say is "I (he) quit the marriage." 
I need details. What did he do when he quit? Did he quit, talking to me? Did he quit giving me a hug when come home? Did he quit doing upkeep on the house? 
Details, not a "I gave up" general, fill in the blanks as you want, and I will deny them, statement. Own up to what you did not do. 
Own it. Own it. Own it. 
Our MC wants us to move on and make things better, but I feel things won't be better till he owns what he did to destroy our marriage. Then when I say I would like to be hugged when he comes home, he will see that he quit doing that and doing it again will make things better. 
I am just so frustrated with this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

heartbroken1957 said:


> Own it. Own it. Own it.
> Our MC wants us to move on and make things better, but I feel things won't be better till he owns what he did to destroy our marriage.


I firmly believe that is there is no contrition and genuine remorse and understanding of the gravity on behalf of the guilty party, it's not likely reconciliation will work.

If they can't own what they did, you have MUCH bigger problems.
Then you need to ask yourself if they do this with other things in their lives too (zero accountability).


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

Jellybeans, you are right. No one but you are at fault for the affair. And your IC is right that the situation caused the break in the marriage. 
I don't know though. In the case of abuse, I don't think you could do anything that would give reason to be abused or stop the abuse. You were just in a bad place. True it doesn't excuse what you did, I forgive you that though. I don't consider you a run of the mill cheater. You are fighting yourself, looking for forgiveness. I hope you can find that soon. 
I wonder if that is what my H is needing? Forgiving himself? That needs another thread.


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

Jelly you are right about his not owning other things too. It is a family thing. He was always blamed for things by his father and he carried it over to our children. I have a tight rein on him when it comes to this. I just will not let him blame the kids for things he does.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

I've been cheated on by past partners and I look at it two ways

The first time I was cheated on was the fault of BOTH partners. It was his fault that he felt the only way to be happy was to cheat and it was my fault that i pushed him away emotionally and physically due to my own personal issues. I think he felt backed into a corner and cut off from me so he was vulnerable to the "allure" of cheating and living a fantasy life for a little while. 

The second time I was cheated on it was totally NOT my fault. This guy was a serial cheater.Cheated on EVERYONE he had ever been with no matter how great the relationship was. Did it just for the excitement of getting away with something. 

I think it's too hard to outright blame the cheater or the person being cheated on. It's not so cut n dry like that. It's case by case in my opinion.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

Sadly they weren't thinking about you at all when they were doing what they were doing. Later they feel remorse, and guilt.

It cannot work out if you can't move past it. If you can't get over it then get out of it. And yes, they might do it again. They might not too though, I guess it's something you just can't tell. 

Either way, it wasn't because of you. They don't cheat because of us, even though they may blame it ON us, it really has nothing to do with us. We couldn't have been nicer, better looking, etc. If they are going to cheat, then they're going to cheat, and nothing we do can stop it, or make it happen. It's a selfish practice that people do when they stop appreciating what they have and start grabbing for what they don't, which is "it all."

They want it all. All the people that will feel something for them, all the people that they feel something for. It's like reaching out and grabbing a whole meal from Red Lobster while you are already eating dinner at Dennys. They think they can eat it all or have it all, but they can't. They are selfish and unrealistic for even trying.

Nobody can eat two dinners at the same time and enjoy them both for what they are. They can't happily fit them both in, they can't!


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