# Having down days



## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

Every couple of weeks or so, I get down and paranoid, all in the wake of my wifes online affairs.

The last couple of days, if I`m tired and stressed, I get paranoid and think that my wife is sat on her laptop at home contacting the other man!

Why do I feel like this, up to my wifes betrayal, I`d never been like this, it`s an awful feeling.

Does anyone else have these bad days, how long will this continue?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Not sure what the answer is. I think it generally takes longer to build something back up, whether its trust or a house, than it takes to tear it down. Give yourself some time.

How long ago did the affairs stop? How long did they last?


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

The first online affair which developed into texts and phone calls lasted 3 months and finished in November 2009.

The second online affair which developed into texts, phone calls and meeting him once for coffee, finished in December 2009.

My wife thought they were harmless at the time but now admits they were wrong and should never have happened, she saw how devestated I was and how I now suffer mood swings.

Finding it very hard to trust her as she has lied so many times, especially when I have asked her to lay all her cards on the table, she still lied, I`d then find things out and confront her, she`d then admit to them.

I hate feeling like this, we fell out today as I accused her of spending more time being pre-occupied with the computer than communicating with me!


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

I completely understand where you are as I am there also. It is hard to concentrate at work, at times impossible. I end up calling her a few times a day just to hear the tone of her voice. If she sounds happy to hear from me, I can relax, if she sounds abrupt and eager to get off the phone, then I worry twice as much.

We have to hang in there, our girls are worth it.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think what you are experiencing is all within the normal rage of finding out about infidelity. 
You just can't help but think it will happen again or it just bugs you so much to think of them cheating with someone else without even thinking of you and what it would do to you when you found out....
It's a selfish act on their part and you aren't responsible for that and it's a shame that people that say they love us would do this to us..
My therapist said to me that it was to soon to make any decisions yet when my feelings were so raw, 
He said there shouldn't be any trust yet, he said the trick to trust is the longevity of my husband's actions, he to now thinks what he did was wrong.....he said I would know over time whether my husband was really sorry for what he did and his actions would prove that not his words....
He told me sometimes they just feel guilt not remorse and there is a big difference, guilt they can get over, true remorse means they wouldn't ever put themselves in that position again. Over time I would see which one he really is.....
He told me to stop trying to get an answer right now.....
He also told me my relationship will never be the same as it was before.....I can't expect it to be, he also said a little mistrust and checking is a good thing in a marriage, it keeps the partners both accountable for their whereabouts.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I remember early on in my "adventures", on a good day my wife sent me a list from the internet of 20 things the "unfaithful" spouse should not do. One of the things was to let the truth "trickle out", as it leaves us to wonder what we haven't found out yet. Another was to be honest about EVERYTHING - not just the issues at hand.

I caught my wife recently in a "tale" that she now says she told me to cover for a friend - she had to tell me because I know this person too. I tried explaining to her that it didn't matter that my wife was at home and not talking to some guy (but her friend was), but I'm just tired of any kind of lie.

What you are feeling is totally normal. Sounds like you are doing OK to me.


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

Thanks to all for the replies.

Only a couple of days ago, I was having one of my quiet days, my wife asked me what was wrong, I said to her that when I`m down which is too frequent for my liking, I need reassurance, that I`m low on confidence - self esteem, don`t feel very good about myself.
My wife always sighs, huffs and puffs, quite insensitive at times, she says I need to get over it and move on.

What I tried to explain to my wife was that these quiet times, moods etc just come on, I have no control of them, I said that as a couple, we never comment or ogle other persons etc like our friends do, my wife`s first husband used to look and comment all the time about other women, which my wife found offensive and insulting to her. I would feel hurt too, we just keep it to ourselves.
So I asked her why would she feel the need to have an emotional affair with two consecutive blokes.
She laughs at the term "emotional affair", thinks I`ve been reading too many magazines and taking too much notice of internet forums.

Every now and then, she refers to them as friendships, unbelievable, she doesn`t think I`m hurt by what went on but just had a slap in the face.

I am still looking at her emails and Facebook, even though I feel bad about this, I don`t want the urge to do this , just want to move on, finding it very hard.

My wife was always known as a natural flirt before we met, likes attention but denies this very much.
She is a young looking 38 year old and thinks she is now starting to look her age, this sets alarm bells ringing with me as I`ll be worrying some bloke will compliment her and that`s her weakness, or certainly was a few months back.

I just find it hard to enjoy life and our children at the moment, very emotional period in my life.

Need some more advice, I really am struggling.

Doesn`t help that my wife works a lot of evenings and weekend and we don`t get to see each other much.

Things just don`t seem right, even the physical side of our relationship is one way, she never initiates or shows any interest other than when I initiate and she likes that!

Maybe I`m reading too much into all this??


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Always a lot of doubt, maybe you are reading to much into things..just be the best husband you can be and she will fall in love with you all over again.....
You can't really expect things to be and feel like they did before..It can't be the same anymore.....
It feels awful to check up on your spouse, but do it, I do it, lots of us here do it......It gives me peace of mind and if something was going on I would rather know about it than to be dupped again......
It seems to me a lot of the time that my husband has just made his decision to stay in the marriage and now he thinks I should just not mistrust him or not believe in him....he is doing everything right at this stage. .......but for me it isn't that simple to just forget what happened.......sometimes it makes me sad as well, lots of triggers for me........my mind still races with ugly thoughts sometimes......time will take care of that.....hang in there


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Do you still have questions that are unanswered?? Or has she pretty much answered everything you have come up with? My outlook on it is that if my H couldn't tell me the why's and the how's then how could he possibly not do it again? Once we got that in the open he understood my point and we talked it out. But without that, I felt the intense almost depression like phases that you are having. They suck, I agree. 

I think you are more hurt because she seems to be pushing your feelings aside and just saying hey its over now, leave it be. Thats not how you want to handle it, and she should understand that. She downplays it and it hurts your feelings understandably. 

My down days are when I hit the gym and took it out there. Even when I didn't think I had the energy I would let all the stress and build up get me to the gym and release it all in there. Plus, working out tends to lift moods. 

Have you been able to set boundaries with her about what you need to start feeling safe again??


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

jessi said:


> Always a lot of doubt, maybe you are reading to much into things..just be the best husband you can be and she will fall in love with you all over again.....
> You can't really expect things to be and feel like they did before..It can't be the same anymore.....
> It feels awful to check up on your spouse, but do it, I do it, lots of us here do it......It gives me peace of mind and if something was going on I would rather know about it than to be dupped again......
> It seems to me a lot of the time that my husband has just made his decision to stay in the marriage and now he thinks I should just not mistrust him or not believe in him....he is doing everything right at this stage. .......but for me it isn't that simple to just forget what happened.......sometimes it makes me sad as well, lots of triggers for me........my mind still races with ugly thoughts sometimes......time will take care of that.....hang in there


Thanks jessi, my wife has said that she has fallen for me again, that the bad times were down to me not showing her attention etc, I can accept that but after all the lies and denial, I`m finding it difficult.


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Do you still have questions that are unanswered?? Or has she pretty much answered everything you have come up with? My outlook on it is that if my H couldn't tell me the why's and the how's then how could he possibly not do it again? Once we got that in the open he understood my point and we talked it out. But without that, I felt the intense almost depression like phases that you are having. They suck, I agree.
> 
> I think you are more hurt because she seems to be pushing your feelings aside and just saying hey its over now, leave it be. Thats not how you want to handle it, and she should understand that. She downplays it and it hurts your feelings understandably.
> 
> ...


My wife has answered a lot of my questions, not sure if there is still stuff she hasn`t told me, still got a nagging doubt over pictures she sent to this first bloke, she said they were innocent but I called her bluff and said I`d found pictures on her phone of her naked, she eventually admitted to this but promised she`d never sent them, just took some, as the idea was put in her head by the first bloke, she found she couldn`t send these.
She lied about all this one day one, that`s why I`m still dubious about certain things she says.

I have asked her to be as open as possible, no more lies, it`s just not worth the hassle and upset.

Thanks DawnD


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

I am in the same place as you at this time. It has been 7 months since I found out she was cheating and 6 months since we talked about it. I asked her and she said she saw two men and had sex with them both. She said she talked to but met no others. I am checking on her old email account she used and no longer uses. I found another who says she met and had sex alot. I strongly believe there was others possibly several. I just wish she was totally honest 6 months ago and I wouldn't be finding anything that she hadn't told me about. The lying just makes me think she will do it again. She has changed and I pray learned how she hurt me and will never do anything to hurt our relationship again.
I plan to talk to her soon and ask if she was totally honest. I am not sure if I should confront her about the OM that I found out about. I would like to know everything that happened so I can put it behind me. I mostly would like to know WHY. We were high school sweethearts and never dated others. My opinion is she just wanted to experience being with other men. I too wonder what other women would be like. It is natural to be interested in someone else. I just never act on that. I would never do anything to hurt my wife. I pray she got that out of her system.
I have communicated to her by writing my feelings and thoughts down daily in a notebook for her to read. It is easier than talking sometimes. I know she reads them and appreciates my attempts to comunicate. I have heard nothing from her about her feelings for 6 months. I plan to talk to her about this and ask her to jornal her thoughts too if she cant talk about them. We need to comunicate more.
Sorry for writing all about me. I don't know if it will help you. It is helpfull to no others are going through the same thing and surviving, Hang in there give her lots of attention and love. Time will help us heal. I wish you well....


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

hurtbyher said:


> I am in the same place as you at this time. It has been 7 months since I found out she was cheating and 6 months since we talked about it. I asked her and she said she saw two men and had sex with them both. She said she talked to but met no others. I am checking on her old email account she used and no longer uses. I found another who says she met and had sex alot. I strongly believe there was others possibly several. I just wish she was totally honest 6 months ago and I wouldn't be finding anything that she hadn't told me about. The lying just makes me think she will do it again. She has changed and I pray learned how she hurt me and will never do anything to hurt our relationship again.
> I plan to talk to her soon and ask if she was totally honest. I am not sure if I should confront her about the OM that I found out about. I would like to know everything that happened so I can put it behind me. I mostly would like to know WHY. We were high school sweethearts and never dated others. My opinion is she just wanted to experience being with other men. I too wonder what other women would be like. It is natural to be interested in someone else. I just never act on that. I would never do anything to hurt my wife. I pray she got that out of her system.
> I have communicated to her by writing my feelings and thoughts down daily in a notebook for her to read. It is easier than talking sometimes. I know she reads them and appreciates my attempts to comunicate. I have heard nothing from her about her feelings for 6 months. I plan to talk to her about this and ask her to jornal her thoughts too if she cant talk about them. We need to comunicate more.
> Sorry for writing all about me. I don't know if it will help you. It is helpfull to no others are going through the same thing and surviving, Hang in there give her lots of attention and love. Time will help us heal. I wish you well....


When I found and confronted my wife, I asked her to put all her cards on the table, she said she did, but I kept finding other lies out, couldn`t understand why she just couldn`t tell the truth and help me get over the hurt.

We seem pretty good nowadays but I`m still on edge when I hear of all the affairs going on at my work place etc, fills me with anger.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Sadman said:


> When I found and confronted my wife, I asked her to put all her cards on the table, she said she did, but I kept finding other lies out, couldn`t understand why she just couldn`t tell the truth and help me get over the hurt.


It happened the same way with me, and I thought the same thing, and as I was told, and now come to believe, that is just how wandering spouses act. They have been caught and they know they are wrong, they feel some sort of guilt or want to preserve some sort of dignity or whatever drives it, but generally what you find out at first does not seem to be everything.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there again, 
i think they don't tell us the whole truth because it just makes them look so bad. 
my husband just keeps saying that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has......
me, I question everything now......paranoid.....maybe.......
everything in my life now has a thought to it and I try to determine if it has a second meaning or not. It's all normal now....when there isn't any trust and you know your spouses can make decisions that don't include your best interests you have to doubt and explore everything they do and say for a while.....
I hope over the long term I'll get tired of looking and questioning when I find nothing.....and I'll get some trust again......of course now with one eye open......
I think they all do it for some reason......wayward thing us non waywards can't comprehend.........


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

HopeinHouston said:


> It happened the same way with me, and I thought the same thing, and as I was told, and now come to believe, that is just how wandering spouses act. They have been caught and they know they are wrong, they feel some sort of guilt or want to preserve some sort of dignity or whatever drives it, but generally what you find out at first does not seem to be everything.


We went out for a meal last night and had a lovely time.

At the end of the meal, I told my wife I love her and want to trust her again, that I hate feeling the urge to have a snoop now and then.

She said I have nothing to worry about, that she made mistakes but wouldn`t let me down again.

I said that because of the constant lies, it makes it difficult to fully move on and that I`m sure there are other things that she hasn`t told me, which either I will find out eventually or she will admit to in time.


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

jessi said:


> hi there again,
> i think they don't tell us the whole truth because it just makes them look so bad.
> my husband just keeps saying that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has......
> me, I question everything now......paranoid.....maybe.......
> ...


Hello jessi, sounds about right regarding not telling all, so not to upset us.

I told my wife I feel guilty about having the occasional snoop, she is either trying to make a big effort with me, no contact with other men etc, or is hiding things very well. :scratchhead:


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

RWB said:


> A wife caught in an affair will lie. They may tell you a one truth then lie about another. The truth will leak out for weeks if not months. I have been where you are and no the ordeal. My wife was in multiple EA and PA over years. I know now it was at least 6 years ongoing. When I discovered what was happening she still lied for weeks about the truth that I already knew from emails and phone calls. SADMAN it is not your problem, it is hers. You did not create your doubt, she did. Never, Never take blame for your doubt. You did not create this mess. SHE DID.


Cheers for the reply, unfortunately, I have always had a guilty conscience, I`ve blamed myself through all of this,maybe I didn`t show my wife enough attention etc, she found it elsewhere without looking for it.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Sadman said:


> Cheers for the reply, unfortunately, I have always had a guilty conscience, I`ve blamed myself through all of this,*maybe I didn`t show my wife enough attention etc, she found it elsewhere without looking for it*.


What you say there is very wise in this respect. In 99.9% of cases there are contributing factors in a marriage that we have caused where needs are not being met, or the spouse is feeling neglected, and/or communication has not been taking place ... whatever it is, there is mutual blame that allowed the marriage to get into this dangerous situation. 

That does not in any way excuse the wandering spouse. They are the ones that take this bad situation and instead of addressing it in a good way and trying to repair the issues they break their vows, and their poor choices are fully on their head. 

But if you want to heal your marriage and work it out we do need to realize that there are probably things in the way that we have been acting or treating our spouses or whatever that need to be addressed if we are going to heal our marriages.


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

HopeinHouston said:


> What you say there is very wise in this respect. In 99.9% of cases there are contributing factors in a marriage that we have caused where needs are not being met, or the spouse is feeling neglected, and/or communication has not been taking place ... whatever it is, there is mutual blame that allowed the marriage to get into this dangerous situation.
> 
> That does not in any way excuse the wandering spouse. They are the ones that take this bad situation and instead of addressing it in a good way and trying to repair the issues they break their vows, and their poor choices are fully on their head.
> 
> But if you want to heal your marriage and work it out we do need to realize that there are probably things in the way that we have been acting or treating our spouses or whatever that need to be addressed if we are going to heal our marriages.


Thanks, it`s right what you say, my wife and I are certainly more loving than we had been, my wife likes to be cuddled a lot, I wasn`t doing that, we both know what we need to do to progress back to where we used to be or certainly as close as possible!


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