# Being pressured to have children



## Troubled_Husband (Mar 24, 2015)

Good day friends.
I am a troubled husband looking for some much needed advice to get my family life back on track. 
my wife and I (both of us in our mid 30s) have been together for 7 years and married for 5. 
we are a lower middle class family and we both work full time. 
Fortunately we have been able to maintain a healthy balance of our career and personal life and until recently I felt like we were cultivating a healthy and prospering relationship. 

when my wife and I first started dating she knew that I was not interested in raising children. I told her I wanted a friend, a companion, a partner for life, not mother of my children. 

at first she shared my vision and all was going well, but in November she casually told me she wanted a child and I asked her why she felt this way. 
she said we have established careers and she wants to experience motherhood, etc

I told her I respect how she feels but I love my family the way it is and I do not have any interest in being a parent or raising children. 

she got a bit disappointed but she let it go that day, but as time went on she has become much more insisting and she brings it up frequently. 

I feel my wife's resentment manifesting itself in many different ways. She is growing distant from me and she is upset with me because "I am immature and selfish and I need to grow up" 

I am still in love with her, how can I bring everything back to normal?

Regards
Jerry


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife was probably sincere when she told you that she was ok to not have children when you married.

The problem is her biological clock. She is at a age now when your body/brain is telling her that it's time to have children before she hit menopause.

I went through that. It's so weird because suddenly one day I was going nuts wanting children. I was in my mid 30's when his struck. 

Think of how you would feel if is you extremely hungry and could not get any food... for days. That's a lot how it feels when a woman's biological clock kicks in.

She made a promise without realizing that her body was going to hit this stage.

If you do not want children, then you should not have children. Are you snipped? Might be wise.

But if she really wants children now, she might leave you.

This is a real crisis in your marriage. The only thing I can think of is marriage counseling.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Troubled, this is truly an area where lack of compatibility can become a show stopper. I'm just pointing out that this isn't merely a difference of opinion. Biology plays a role here and the choice may be to split up or to start a family and not much in between.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think this has to be one of the most difficult conflicts a marriage can face because neither one is wrong. The only advice I can give is only have children if you truly want them not because you are pressured into it. It's not fair for the child to have a parent that is resentful and indifferent towards them.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You may not be able to, if she wants to be a Mom and you don't want to have a baby then she is probably thinking of leaving you because if she stays with you and she doesn't have a baby she will probably be resentful. If you really don't want a baby then I' thinking your marriage won't last.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I think she really wants to have children. She is probably is picturing herself when she will be 50 without a kid and she does not think she will forgive herself. It is a hard decision. SHe may leave you and start a new family with someone who wants kids. Sorry you have to go through this, but for a woman, her mind and body are pressuring her.


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## Troubled_Husband (Mar 24, 2015)

thank you for the replies. we are going to a marriage counselor and I will update if necessary.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I am a career woman, 57 years of age, ongoing 35 years married, and elected not to have children. My husband and I agreed not to have children before we got married. However, if my husband wanted children, I would let him go. Children get to my nerves and I do not want the responsibility and additional stress in my life. I would not want to be pressured.

Your wife agreed to marry you, knowing fully well that you don't want children. She hoped that she could change your perspective. This has nothing to do with the biological clock. This is a bait and switch situation.

It's up to you to comply to her request or not. Your choice in your decision.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Troubled_Husband said:


> we are a lower middle class family and we both work full time.


As others have said, your wife's body is demanding she procreate.

I would question whether or not you can afford to have children. I don't mean just financially, but in terms of time. 

Your wife may want children, but can she afford to be out of work? Can you survive on 1 income? 

Will she go back to work after maternity leave is over? If so, how will you pay for child care expenses?

On the flip side, you have to ask yourself a very simple question: If your wife is intent on having a child, and you are set on not, are you willing to let her go so she can find a man to have a child with? If that is something she truly desires in her life, and you love her deeply, then letting her go may be the correct thing to do, so she can find the happiness she seeks, regardless of how painful you may find it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This may well be a deal breaker for your marriage. And subconscious urges can do strange things, like cause her to forget to take birth control pills on time, etc. that she would never do on purpose. So, be careful.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Once a woman gets Baby Fever... she will grow to resent you if she stays while she secretly cries alone over what she gave up...the sacrifice will eat at her. 

In reality...it's rolling the dice -even when women say they never want kids ...some change their minds...life experiences, seeing friends /family with children, that biological clock..it's very powerful, unrelenting even......when it gets deep into her heart.. I don't know that you can change her or ever go back... 

I was one who KNEW early on, I wanted at least 3 kids.. It was a firm deal breaker to me... I knew that in my teens no less..


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening troubledhusband

This is the most difficult question in marriage, and one where there can be no compromise. It could end your marrriage, but that may well be better than having a child that you do not want.

My wife and I wend through this maybe 10 years ago. We had never wanted children, but suddenly she did. I really didn't. After much soul searching, I decided that it was the only way I could maker her happy so I agreed. I felt wretched. I really really didn't want children. Every time we had sex I could only think "is this the time that will wreck the rest of my life". 

It didn't help that she had always been LD, but not she would always have sex at time she might become pregnant, but never otherwise.

It turned out she had fertility problems. Stress over sex gave me ED. It just got worse and worse. She insisted on infertility treatment. As usual that made our sex lives even worse. After 5 years she decided she wanted to try adopting.

There is a lot wait for adoption so I suggested that we act as foster parents. We did. Took in a wonderful little girl for shelter care. I hated being a father, but I did everything I could for that girl - I loved her, I just didn't want her. 

The think is - it turned out my wife hated having a child in the house. It was nothing like what she had expected. She was miserable. I was miserable. Finally the child left our care.

Now we are both extremely happy that we didn't have children, and I can never get back those years of misery.


Sorry for the long story but its important - having children is the one choice in your life you can never undo. I really suggest trying foster care - see if either of you REALLY wants a child in the house.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

People mature and change. That's about as "normal" as things can be. A woman experiencing the urge to be a mother is also quite "normal". In any relationship, wishing things would stay the same is a waste of time because things are always changing.
My behind wasn't on fire to have kids, either, but we did and had I known raising kids would be such a hoot, I would have made them sooner. Be careful about what you wish for because you might be missing out on the best part of life. When you come dragging home, feeling abused and unappreciated from working in the salt mine all day, nothing beats having your three year old leap into your arms all excited like Elvis just showed up. Fishing with your kid, bedtime stories, working on the car with your son, dancing with your daughter at her wedding, you just really can't beat that stuff. I wouldn't trade being "Papa" for anything in this world. Nothing I ever earned, bought, or achieved has ever given me a tenth of the joy and satisfaction.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I cant help bit feel really sorry for your wife. If she has her heart set on having a child, then i cant see things changing, and i cant help but feel sad for her, sorry.

I know some may say that you both married having agreed upon not having children, but people grow and things and feelings do change, as do people.

This is like people have said going to be a deal breaker. I really cant see her changing your mind, and its not for you to try and change her mind, as then shes not being true to you, or herself.

I can understand you not wanting children and you were very honest at the beginning of your relationship, and i can understand how hard this must be for you. The thing is you cant really just change things as you want them, going back to the way things are?. Your going to both want this, not just one way.

I hope things go well with the Councillor and you can work through this.

Best regards.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Ihave to agree with the majority here, I don't think you have a choice if you want to stay married. I know that early on in marriage you face all kinds of financial strains that adds itself to factoring in whether you want children. When I was first married we had absolutely nothing yet wife wanted a house, cars and a baby...and she wanted to stay home. I was worried that I would lose everything if I didn't have the money to support all of that. 

It would probably be a good idea to have a talk with your wife and try to reach some kind of a compromise ...such as you can have your baby if you agree to continue to work and never ask to be a stay at home mom. If she isn't open to that, I would say you are going to have to make some tough decisions. Not being able to compromise on this is going to make your marriage difficult. It's not unlike I had to go through, wife wouldn't compromise and demaned to be a stay at home mom even though she promised me before we got married she would work. It was at that point I should have made the decision to divorce her. I would suggest that you divorce her if she makes sudden unreasonable demands that change everything that you agreed on before marriage.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Ihave to agree with the majority here, I don't think you have a choice if you want to stay married. I know that early on in marriage you face all kinds of financial strains that adds itself to factoring in whether you want children. When I was first married we had absolutely nothing yet wife wanted a house, cars and a baby...and she wanted to stay home. I was worried that I would lose everything if I didn't have the money to support all of that.
> 
> It would probably be a good idea to have a talk with your wife and try to reach some kind of a compromise ...such as *you can have your baby *if you agree to continue to work and never ask to be a stay at home mom.


So OP. This is bad advice. Whatever happens to your marriage, don't have kids if you don't want kids. Period.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This will be a huge turning point for your marriage. This is by far the most difficult decision a couple can face, because there is no compromise here. It's black and white, yes or no. Nothing in between.

Neither of you are wrong either - you're perfectly entitled to not want children, as your wife is entitled to want them. It is what it is.

I feel for you OP.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If you don't want kids then don't have them, but don't be selfish. Let her move on to someone that wants them. Staying with you must be 100% her decision and you can't beg and plead for her to stay. This is too important.


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## Troubled_Husband (Mar 24, 2015)

Update:

so we have decided on an undisputed divorce, but we need to live separately for a year before we can proceed. I asked her to move out and she has complied. 

This was fun while it lasted, but lately she became a different person than the one I fell in love with and I have to accept that. 


Wife is still upset with me and I find her choked up sometimes, but I think over the long term she will be happier than staying with me. 

As for me, I have not flirted with stranger women since grad school, lol. In time I will be looking to find a new partner (no more marriage), but I have to give myself some time to come to terms with what just happened in the past 5 months or so. 

Have a good day.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Troubled_Husband said:


> Update:
> 
> so we have decided on an undisputed divorce, but we need to live separately for a year before we can proceed. I asked her to move out and she has complied.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry, but it's probably for the best. If she really wants children she's going to become more and more resentful of you and you won't have a good marriage. She can find someone whose desire are more in line with hers and so can you.

Have you had a vasectomy? If you really don't want them and are willing to end your marriage over it you should have one. Otherwise you wouldn't be the first guy to swear he doesn't want them, have a relationship end over it, and then end up with them when a new woman either lies or simply isn't careful regarding birth control.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Sorry your marriage has ended, but i also agree its for the best as you both want different things. 

Good Luck.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

OP, I think the two of you have made a difficult but good choice. 

I second the recommendation to get snipped. This will remove any fear for you as you go back into the dating world. it will also prove to any future partners that you are serious about remaining child-free. It will help weed out the right person for you.

Best of luck!


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