# Nowhere to turn? Both of us have been unfaithful



## fruitsmoothie (Nov 26, 2014)

Been reading a few posts via Tapatalk and seems like a good place where I can ask advice.
Please bear with me, as my circumstances are complex and the description long...

I have been married almost eight years and have two children, 5 and 11. I am currently living outside of the family home, having got somewhere very nice to stay.
My marriage has been dead for a long time. Trying to remember when our problems started is difficult, but it started to end when I gave up my 'voice' in the home. Everything I suggest for our lives, our children's upbringing and our home was heard and understood. For about two weeks. Then it was back to what she wanted. After some time, I gave up.
Perhaps my constant work, the pressures my wife had with the kids and the unadventurous boring sex life. Over time, all intimacy disappeared.

Fast Forward... A few years ago, I was paid off. Eventually, I got my finger out and started my own business but not before my 'depression' had caused considerable damage to my marriage. My wife supported me throughout all these hardships and I love her so much for that.
Two years ago, we got close and started doing things together. Talking, intimacy and interesting sex came back and we were very happy. We stopped smoking, started eating healthily and exercised regularly. The bubble soon burst. I could feel our intimacy fading and our communication disappearing again.
We both had a close friend, perhaps closer to me than my wife.
I had a lot of free time. I done the school run, I looked after the kids during the day and worked from home. I spent a lot of time with this friend/woman and I admit that I started to have feelings for her, but was confused and shoved that where it belonged.

My marriage again started to fail and I wanted to try so hard to make it work. So I booked my wife a holiday to visit close relatives. For three reasons:

To give her a break
To let me discover how difficult my wife's home life was
To give us a break from each other - our first
Before the holiday though, my friend told me that me wife had continued to smoke. I know it doesn't seem like much but, that was the reason for the lack of intimacy. I confronted her and got lies. Why? I would respect her decision - it's her life...
We started to come apart at the seams. No communication at all. No arguments or anything - just acceptance that this was how it was.
So, I gave the present to my wife on our anniversary. She was absolutely delighted and utterly surprised at the thought. My wife got organised to go and left but not before the revelation that I felt as if our marriage was over. 

I was falling in love with my friend. Not the 'I want to sleep with you' thing but the whole thing. The friends thing, the enjoying each others' company. The things in common.
While my wife was away, my friend and I confessed our feelings for each other.
My wife came back and I confessed, told her that it was over and left a couple of weeks later - even telling the kids 

I left (short version) and got my own place. Started a full time relationship with the other woman. I loved her so much. My wife on the other hand went through the phases of a breakup. The devastated. The hating me. Then, she started to do everything to get me back.
She became my friend. My confidant. She became everything that what missing in our marriage. Then I slept with her (idiot). Big mistake. That just ended my life with the other woman.
I went between my wife and the other woman for weeks, treating both of them like s**t - I was at the point where I no longer cared...

Fast forward... My wife is convinced that our marriage can work (she cheated on me too - STIs and stuff) and plans in moving in with me. I don't love her though but want to be a father to my children - the financial support with their mum and dad together.
I love the other woman. She loves me. It's the real thing - never felt this for anyone. We are friends and share intimate, but not sexual moments. Betrayal to my wife; again. But I cannot help how I feel. The other woman never wants to be 'with' me again and I'm on top of the world. Even if it was an email every couple of months, I'd feel the same.

Any advice?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Interesting.

Well, I see no need to point out your obvious deficiencies. So what to do?

If you can manage to keep your little pecker in your pants then why not be a family again? Do your best to be a devoted father and husband.

But if you're viewing this as a temporary thing until some chick gives you another woody, then I say don't bother as you have already done enough harm. Destroying your marriage and kids once ought to be enough for one persons lifetime.

Good luck.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Come on dude.. This sh!t isn't rocket science.. 

Do you want us to ask you all the silly questions.. Who is better in bed ? Who tends to your needs more ? Who makes more money ? Who is a better cook ?..

Your wife didn't cheat.. You left her and started a new relationship, so she is allowed to fvck around.. 

You are the only one that cheated here.. Or at least from what you posted.. 

Trust me life IS short.. and this sh!t isn't good for anyone.. Your ex wife is gonna have enough issues, why do you need to cause more damage.. 

Make a real adult decision and stick with it.. 

I mean really you're asking us to choose a women for you ?


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## fruitsmoothie (Nov 26, 2014)

I have come to terms that I was the one who cheated. It wasn't about the sex. It was everything else. I got back with the wife and then she did it and I had to go for STI tests. Only got myself to blame I know.
I do need to man up and make a decision. The very few friends that know are saying that too (surprised I have any left).
I'm doing the counselling thing myself and I think that my wife and I should go together. I owe her at least that. I do need to put 110% into the marriage.
The only fear is that (I will NEVER cheat again) we don't work out and we need to go down the breakup route again.
Life is short and I don't want to waste HER life on a d**k like me


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

Keep seeing the counselor and working through your issues with you. From the sounds of things the OW doesn't want to be with you, so you can probably write that off as a lost cause at this point. But it sounds like you're still having doubts about getting back together with your wife. You say that you and this other woman have the 'real deal' and that it's love, and that you've never felt this way before. Did you ever feel that way about your wife? Do you love her? Or are you just considering staying together for the kids?

None of us here can tell you what to do, only you and your wife can work that out. If you both genuinely want to give this a shot then do it, and do it with your whole heart. Work on coming back together and helping one another instead of turning away, and go to counselling. But if you don't think you can do it 100% don't lead her on. Yes, it might mean that you separate and you wind up alone, at least for a while. But you need to ask yourself if you're thinking about staying because you want to be with her or if you're just avoiding being alone because that thought frightens you.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

First stop beating yourself up over it. Self-reflection is good. Self-mutilation is bad.

Second, be sure that you really dont love your wife anymore. If you were truly done and loved the other woman as the "real thing" you woundt have been lured to sex with your estranged wife.

So some further reflection is probably the route you should take. What was the timeline for her cheating? Are you absolutely sure it was AFTER you did? Because if she had a pattern of withdrawing physically and emotionally prior to all of this, you may want to be sure about that too.


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## fruitsmoothie (Nov 26, 2014)

My wife and I moved in together 6 months after we had a short relationship that got her pregnant. I can say in hindsight that I grew to love her. But I do question if it was love or really just contentment.
The OW does love me. It's hard to explain. She initiated contact again. I invited her to mine and we didn't sleep together - just intimacy. I have never had anything like this with my wife.
The OW and I have a lot in common. My wife and I do not. I spend a lot of time on my own and have time to reflect on how I feel. I don't love my wife the way I love the OW.
I used to be terrified of being on my own, but now it's satisfying, but I miss the kids. I don't get to see them on my own.
When I'm with my wife, at the weekends (I removed the sex element - advised by my counsellor) I feel contentment - but not excitement.
Maybe I have just answered my own questions?


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## fruitsmoothie (Nov 26, 2014)

I have also thought that my wife is now in it for the things I now have. I really pulled my life together when I was on my own and have a nice home. Maybe the wife wants that for herself - maybe she still is cheating on me; lots of signs but that could be for us...
Her cheating was discovered. The truth came out after we were really making another go at it. It took weeks to get the whole truth. Lots of things had and have changed in the bedroom but again that could be for us.
Am I even making sense? Lol.
I'm booked in for counselling every Wed - really expensive but I need that.
The OW will probably never be 'with' me again. We will eventually have to go on our separate paths.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm not really sure what advice you're seeking (if any?). Seems more like you're putting your thoughts down. You know what you want (OW) what you don't want (wife), and you're not even sure if she is still sleeping around with other men even if you did want to work it out.


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## fruitsmoothie (Nov 26, 2014)

Thanks to everyone who replied. I have been a d**k and recognise that.
Why did I sleep with my wife again? That's what I'm figuring out with counselling, the counsellor seems to believe that I have been manipulated - a bit of revenge from the wife and it worked. Didn't keep it in my trousers!
I am putting my thoughts down. I have really hurt the OW. Perhaps really asking for advice on how to make it work with her (OW) after my cheating; she loves me, I love her in return - is that enough?
I will post back to give an update. Probably looking at legal separation. It's going to be hell for the kids.


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

Any kind of turmoil at home can be hell for the kids. But in the long run it's usually best to do what's healthiest for you and your wife. It'll take time for the dust to settle, but the important thing for the kids is to make them feel loved. Whenever you can take them places and do things with them to let them know you're still around, and don't ever trash-talk your wife to them. She might trash-talk about you, a lot of vindictive exes do that, but if your kids say anything to you about it don't give in to the temptation to do the same. Be the bigger person and set the example for them that it's not kind to say those kinds of things. Be an example of love, not hate.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You're married eight years with two kids, you two have about as much love for each other as a mountain lion and a momma grizzly with a cub, no intimacy between you, both of you have something on the side, you're in love and want to be with another woman and you're thinking about settling down in the marriage, becoming two wonderful parents in a loving home? Your plan to restore things is flawless my man. Look forward to many happy and contented years with your bride.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Fruit,
You lack the maturity to be in a serious relationship. You indicated that you feel "true love" for the OW yet you slept with your estranged wife? You are very immature and selfish. You are a husband and a father and perhaps it would be prudent to think of your wife and children first and accept your role. Or keep chasing that next shiny toy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I hope that lots of folks read this post, as it is a perfect example of why you end one relationship before you start another one. Now all you have is a mess, a wife, children and a girl friend. Personally, I think that you need to go cold turkey for women and concentrate on being as good of a father as you can, while trying to figure out what is best for your life. In the mean time I highly recommend counseling to assist you right this ship.


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## fruitsmoothie (Nov 26, 2014)

Thanks for your comments. Crawled out of the pit I was in and stopped lying to myself. Counselling helped tremendously.
Being honest with myself and seeing myself for the ••• that I'd become. I'd gotten myself involved in a 'soap opera'. Couldn't see a way out.
I'm on my own now. Really scary and perhaps lonely. Discover who and what I am.
Told the truth. Split with the wife. The OW has been in touch, and there is a LOT of trust issues there.
I feel for my children. But I'm going to be the best Dad EVER and do DAD things with them. Putting them at the centre of my life (and forgetting about relationships).
Lack of maturity?! Perhaps. Maturity comes from experience. I have matured. I have made mistakes and have regret for a lot of my decisions.


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