# How long do I pay for past mistakes?



## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Two years ago a boyfriend broke up with me, and out of spite, I very publicly slept with a total loser. Now that same boyfriend and I are married and often times, when we fight, he'll close the fight by reminding me not to sleep with anyone while his back is turned.

Is it normal for one spouse to keep referring back to the other spouse's past mistakes? Are all my past misdeeds now fair game for my husband to sling at me in a fight?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

plymouth71 said:


> Is it normal for one spouse to keep referring back to the other spouse's past mistakes? Are all my past misdeeds now fair game for my husband to sling at me in a fight?


Normal? Yes. Should it be? No. People say things like that to push another persons buttons. Until he is able to let go that incident, he will keep bringing it up. When my wife and I have gotten into intense arguments we both have done the same thing. I'm not saying it's right, but it does happen often. 

Your best bet is to discuss this issue with him when you are not arguing and are both having good days. Let him know how much it hurts you, and that there are more constructive ways to argue. Try and find out if it's still bothering him, or if he's only doing it because he knows it bothers you and does it out of spite.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

No. The past needs to stay in the past. Two years ago and you weren't even married. He broke up with you - so in actuality what you did while he had made the break with you is none of his business.

Make it a point to try to talk with him about this and let him know that using the past when you weren't even together feels like he's hitting beneath the belt and will not help keep great feelings between you.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Thank you both. I like the idea of talking about this issue when we're both in a good mood and not already fighting about something else. How do healthy couples find good times to talk? I am trying to do the 1950's model of not bothering him when he comes home from work, but I have ended up nagging him at bad times.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

plymouth71 said:


> I am trying to do the 1950's model of not bothering him when he comes home from work, but I have ended up nagging him at bad times.


He needs to learn to not bring the stress from work home. It's not fair to your family to bring it on home. Otherwise do it at night after dinner and yall have relaxed. Ask him instead of watching tv/etc that night that yall just talk. With a marriage you have got to schedule times to talk to each other over most everything else. Many marriages stutter badly when communication fails. 

You don't have to solve all of your problems in one night, so maybe just talk about it over a few nights maybe like 30 minutes at a time.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You're welcome. Set a weekly "check in" date, go for coffee if possible and just talk calmly about things. It helps if you journal and get your thoughts out of your head, then when you have time to check in with each other, you can grab your notes and talk in a thoughtful way.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

There are two issues. One is the cheating. The other is belittling or shaming him. Can you elaborate on "publicly"? Then we can discuss what kind of apology and "work through" to try.


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## betrayedhusband (Apr 17, 2010)

plymouth71 said:


> Two years ago a boyfriend broke up with me, and out of spite, I very publicly slept with a total loser. Now that same boyfriend and I are married and often times, when we fight, he'll close the fight by reminding me not to sleep with anyone while his back is turned.
> 
> Is it normal for one spouse to keep referring back to the other spouse's past mistakes? Are all my past misdeeds now fair game for my husband to sling at me in a fight?



Well...since he married you and knew you cheated on him before marriage...he should have thought twice about marrying you in the first place. Sounds like he regrets that choice now and is throwing it back in your face cuz he's bitter. 

And it wouldn't surprise me if has cheated on you before or after the marriage....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

We didn't have anything quite like this to throw at each other, but I do remember those argument during our first two years of marriage being fairly nasty and also very unproductive.

Unless the topic is "cheating", then he's just trying to hurt you and "win" the argument and nothing will get resolved.

Do your best to stay on point. If you are arguing about money, then stay on the topic of money. If things start to get ridiculous, simply walk away for a little while.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> There are two issues. One is the cheating. The other is belittling or shaming him. Can you elaborate on "publicly"? Then we can discuss what kind of apology and "work through" to try.


Elaborate - ok. My then boyfriend broke up with me after going on again/off again for 7 months. I suspected he was getting back together with "THE ONE" (the perfect girl he lost years before who was a million times better than me) and I ran out, got a tattoo, the tattoo artist was into me, so I brought him into my ex's favorite hang out to show off my new tattoo and this total jerk I was about to sleep with.

Long story short, I instantly regretted sleeping with the tattoo artist, "THE ONE" turned out not so perfect, and he came back to me, we spent months talking before I came back, we eloped and are currently planning our big "public" ceremony for our friends and family.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Write him a letter and read it to him, of just how bad you feel about what you did and about how bad you feel when he dredges up the past. This way you can stay focused on what you want to say. He is insecure, since you did something out of retaliation and not because you actually cared for the tatoo artist. So what is to stop you from getting in a fight and sleeping with your manicurest? He will always be wary. The only thing that will change this is time. Hopefully he will learn to bite his lip b4 he says it. But he is still in pain over it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Have you ever hared your regret for having so publicly replaced him by sleeping with a tattoo artist?

My thinking on this is that he throws this at you to test your loyalty to him.

You had an on and off and on again kind of courtship. This was a game you two played. I sense that he didn't think you'd go off and screw some random guy and rub his nose in it.

I know, sounds harsh.

HOWEVER, he reunited with you and should not use it against you at this point.

He is insecure about your commitment to him. Basis or no, that is what is happening.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

This is what happened on Friends when Rachel and ROss were on a "break". It happens alot... one breaks away for a "better" other and the hurt one goes and finds another one out of spite. You both found that the grass was not greener on the other side for either of you and came back together... next time he throws his insult at you remind him of the hurt you both felt and the lesson learned that you both realized your mistakes when you chose to be with one another again and get married. Emphasize that you chose once again to be with one another, that you want him over all others. I think he does want to hear a declaration like that.


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