# Not Married but in sexless relationship



## SearchingForME (Oct 1, 2011)

Not sure exactly where to start…I’ll try and keep it short but it’s tough to explain everything in a few short paragraphs. As the title suggests I am in a sexless relationship and it has been this way for 8 months and we have been together for a year and a half (to me we should still be like newlyweds). By no means did we start out this way, the first six months of the relationship we had sex multiple times a day and any chance we got. I have a very high libido and she was wearing me out! 

At about the six month mark, her libido began to decline. We didn’t have as much opportunity as we use to and hardly any alone time because we both have children from previous marriages. She has her daughter full time, I have my daughter part time. When we first started dating she was able to go out with me or stay at my house whenever she wanted, she had her mom living with her at the time but she returned to Europe, hence no more built in babysitter for her. I was understanding and she was an amazing girlfriend so I was not bothered too much. We decided to move in together and leading up to the move we had only had sex a few times in the entire month. I didn’t know the reasoning, going from multiple time a week down to that in a matter of a few months was confusing to me. I talked to her about it, she said she is just stressed about the move and things will get better once we move. Things got worse and within a few months we were not having sex at all.
Now I will point out that the rest of the relationship is great, which is why I am still around, she tells me she loves me, initiates contact …holding hands cuddling, spooning etc. She is not cheating for those of you who are wondering, both of our previous marriages ended because the other spouse had an affair. She is old fashioned when it comes to relationships and so am I, and neither one of us would ever cheat. Plus I know the signs all too well, even did a little checking and have found nothing so I know nothing is going on.

Now we have discussed her lack of libido so many times I have lost count. I explained to her how it makes me feel when she continuously tells me no, I’m too tired etc. No I admit there have been a number of time I have lost my cool and have blown up on her because of this, which I know makes her withdraw more. During some discussions she would tell me I am pressuring her, being pushy etc. Then I would back off waiting for her to do something so I don’t ”pressure” her, then it’s the same thing I get upset about the lack of effort and its my fault Done date night thing, send flowers regularly, little thoughtful gifts when unexpected…so its not for a lack of me not trying or not maintaining the relationship. She use to tell me how hot I am and how sexy I was, sent sexts but I cannot remember the last time that has happened.

We both just got promoted and coincidentally the promotions require us to move to the same city, so we agreed to make the move. The move is done but I have to finish up work here while she is in the new city. So right now we are in a short term long distance relationship. I thought some distance might help but it has not. She does miss me but acts as though she doesn’t when I am away. When I am there, she is loving and gets upset when I have to fly back and tells me she loves me multiple times, but of course no sex. The next day after I leave she is back to being distant and I hardly hear from her, conversations are about 5 min long and it revolves around her because I am asking how her day was, she never asks me how my day was (that another issue but not that big of a deal). She could be tired, it’s a new job, no big deal whatever but would be nice if she asks. 
I then bring up why she is being distant, she then says “stop being a baby” has told me before stop being so needy . . . I admit I can be at times and after reading through some posts I concluded that I need to man up. I ordered the book, no more mr nice guy, hoping that will give me some insight because some of the first few pages described me to a T.

My question is how do I act now? Phone conversations are dull, she calls me most of the time but she just sits on the phone saying nothing and I find myself saying useless stuff just to have a conversation. I have listened to a few of Mort Fertels CD’s but they seem to be the opposite of the hot/cold temperature thing. Some things are good, like not talking about issues and doing a cease fire to build trust. Both him and the hot/cold thing AND Man up thing make sense. So I am confused and need some insight.
Thanks in advance!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You're not married but it sounds like she was bagging a meal ticket.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SearchingForME (Oct 1, 2011)

No meal ticket, we are both successful in our careers. Looking for advice as to how to handle the situation, there are so many resources and views from "experts".


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## Bigrascal (Aug 12, 2011)

Are you seeking validation from her? I don't know your situation, but it seems like you have invested an awful lot into a relationship that still is pretty new. You also moved in together really quick. Why? (that's more of a rhetorical question btw). 

What do you do apart from your GF? Do you have hobbies and outside interests? Do you have a group of male friends you hang out with?

The fact that it's so new and you are having problems like this is not good - obviously. You know that and that is why you are here.

That you are reading the no more mr. nice guy book is good. Also read the NUTS book at bettermen.org - incredibly helpful.

Your name "searchingforme" says volumes. If you are hoping to find yourself in your relationship with your GF, or are making your relationship your sole focus - you are guaranteed to fail. The stock advice here is to man up. Look at the man up threads and the sh!t test threads on the forum. Those will get you going in the right direction.

BR


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## SearchingForME (Oct 1, 2011)

Unfortunately I have made the relaionship my primary focus for quite awhile, primarily because of the lack of sex. Just like in the no more mr nice guy book, I want to try and "fix" things and think if I make the effort things will correct themselves. We are intimate, hold hands, cuddle, spoon, kiss (although its not like it use to be, mainly pecks havent made out in quite awhile). Both of us are commited to the relationship and neither one of us wants to lose each other. She wants to get married, she was pointing out rings last weekend when I was visiting and does that quite a bit. I want to as well but obviously not in a rush because of the state of things and she knows this.

I'm not tyring to find myself in the relationship its more about finding myself again. When we were dating, I was very independant, in very good shape, made time for her but didn't drop whatever I was doing to spend time with her. . . . but to answer your question, looking back yes we moved in too quickly. You get caught up in your emotions (Ithink we'va all been there) but we even said this to each other, we never had these feelings before, even for our ex spouses. It felt right, but in retrospect it wasn't healthy to move in so quickly and we realize that.

When I moved to this state I was married at the time, so I basically knew no one when I moved out here other than my daughter and my wife (now ex-wife). After the divorce, I knew no one. All I did was work out and spend time with mt daughter for three years. I dated but wasn't ever interested in anyone, wasn't ready for anything. Then I met her and here we are. So no friends and all my hobbies got sidelined because this state isnt the best place for them. Snowboarding, fishing etc . . . but the one we are moving to has lots of it! So things will change once I am there.

I guess the tough part is finding a balance . . . man up so I am more attractive again, yes. But we also need to reconnect, and I think that is playing a large part too. 

Between Mort Fertel's advice and the Man up advice. They are contradicting theories . . . is it possible to do both?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For me, life is too short. No marriage, no sex? I'm outta there.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why buy the cow when you can get some shlub to go to store and buy all the milk you want, for you? Seems awfully convenient, no?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Get out NOW. The lack of sex isn't just a libido problem. Notice her conversations are about her? Doesn't seem to miss you? Not particularly interested in you? The sex drought is just another manifestation of the same condition...self centerdness. Bet just about anything that if you talked to her ex, you'd get a full preview of what a life with this person would look like. I'll give you a clue. Make yourself invisible. There ya go. That is what your future will look like.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The Friend Zone.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

For sure tell her that any ring is out of the question. No need to get locked into being misrable. Do the 180. This will probibly do nothing in getting what you want but it will make it much easier to leave and will make you a stronger person.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Take it from those who are "stuck" in a marriage dealing with this. If there had been the glaring warning signs your'e being shown I would have sprinted away. You're being given the gift of forsight in the form of this forum. It WONT get better.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

SearchingForME said:


> No meal ticket, we are both successful in our careers. Looking for advice as to how to handle the situation, there are so many resources and views from "experts".


regardless of her reason, make it clear that a healthy sexual relationship is a basic need for you and if she isn't willing to or capable of meeting that need it would be best for both to end the relationship. And mean it, maybe she just isn't the one for you. (or maybe there is an underlying issue that can be worked out, but you both have to be willing to work through it together and with any resources you can use such as counselling).


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## SearchingForME (Oct 1, 2011)

I am not ready to walk away just yet. I'm in the camp of thinking, if things were great once before it can be great again. I will walk away if this continues but I want to look back be sure I did everything I possibly could. 

After reading through No more Mr nice guy & parts of hold on to your NUTS. I played a part of conditioning her to be this way. I basically acted like a little boy and got upset on the nights she was not in the mood (and this was still when were having sex). So over time, it just turned her off. I threatened to leave, said she was a bad girlfriend etc. . . that was after a few months of not having sex. So I accept that responsibility. I've talked to her about it, she says she understands and then explains her feelings. She even told me I acted like a child when I was having my fits and its a turn off. Nothing happens for a few weeks, I blow up and around we go again.

So will I leave at some point? Absolutely if things don't change, need to do this man up thing, stop being a little boy, and be the man she use to be attracted to. 

Your advice is greatly appreciated.


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## LostMyPath (Oct 4, 2011)

I mean no disrespect, this is my first ever reply on a thread and i hope i do not offend you as that is not my intention at all, i reply to others in a way that i my self want to be replied to, honest, brutal, nothing but a veriaty of opinions...


1.5 years?

"hence no more built in babysitter for her"

1) Understandable if you are fine with it, to a certain extent...


"we had only had sex a few times in the entire month"

2) Where it all started.


"Things got worse and within a few months we were not having sex at all"

"Now I will point out that the rest of the relationship is great, which is why I am still around, she tells me she loves me, initiates contact …holding hands cuddling, spooning etc."

3) Im sorry to say it and i might be wrong, this is just my opinion from what i have read and understood from your story but it sounds like she is not seually attracted to you :/


"She is not cheating for those of you who are wondering, both of our previous marriages ended because the other spouse had an affair"

"She is old fashioned when it comes to relationships and so am I, and neither one of us would ever cheat. Plus I know the signs all too well, even did a little checking and have found nothing so I know nothing is going on"


4) What exactly did you check up on? the signs are there...


"Now we have discussed her lack of libido so many times I have lost count. I explained to her how it makes me feel when she continuously tells me no, I’m too tired etc. No I admit there have been a number of time I have lost my cool and have blown up on her because of this, which I know makes her withdraw more. During some discussions she would tell me I am pressuring her, being pushy etc"


5) She has been tired for 8 months? somewhere down the lines, excuses become obvious... Have you noticed a pattern?


"Then I would back off waiting for her to do something so I don’t ”pressure” her, then it’s the same thing I get upset about the lack of effort and its my fault Done date night thing, send flowers regularly, little thoughtful gifts when unexpected…so its not for a lack of me not trying or not maintaining the relationship. She use to tell me how hot I am and how sexy I was, sent sexts but I cannot remember the last time that has happened."

6) refer to comment (2)


"We both just got promoted and coincidentally the promotions require us to move to the same city, so we agreed to make the move. The move is done but I have to finish up work here while she is in the new city. So right now we are in a short term long distance relationship. I thought some distance might help but it has not. She does miss me but acts as though she doesn’t when I am away. When I am there, she is loving and gets upset when I have to fly back and tells me she loves me multiple times, but of course no sex. The next day after I leave she is back to being distant and I hardly hear from her, conversations are about 5 min long and it revolves around her because I am asking how her day was, she never asks me how my day was (that another issue but not that big of a deal). She could be tired, it’s a new job, no big deal whatever but would be nice if she asks.
I then bring up why she is being distant, she then says “stop being a baby” has told me before stop being so needy . . . "

7) Refer to comment (4) "The signs are there..."






My advice as much as i am only 22, but married, would be, grim and bear it until you have moved in with her or at least close to her, then "man up" because, if you are not there, she will forget what she has to loose, does that make sense?

Now the question is do you want to be with a woman who forgets what she has to loose (you). so if that happens, then you didnt really loose anything either.

That's if you really want this woman because the logical thing would be "enough fish in the sea find another catch"


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

SearchingForME said:


> I am not ready to walk away just yet. I'm in the camp of thinking, if things were great once before it can be great again. I will walk away if this continues but I want to look back be sure I did everything I possibly could.
> 
> After reading through No more Mr nice guy & parts of hold on to your NUTS. I played a part of conditioning her to be this way. I basically acted like a little boy and got upset on the nights she was not in the mood (and this was still when were having sex). So over time, it just turned her off. I threatened to leave, said she was a bad girlfriend etc. . . that was after a few months of not having sex. So I accept that responsibility. I've talked to her about it, she says she understands and then explains her feelings. She even told me I acted like a child when I was having my fits and its a turn off. Nothing happens for a few weeks, I blow up and around we go again.
> 
> ...



You're taking a much more balanced and mature approach than I would take. For that alone you should be commended. And I understand that mini temper tantrums are a "turn off". But so is being turned down for sex.

Don't mind me...I just have some fundamental questions about the theories in some of this literature.


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