# Recognizing abuse and considering leaving



## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Over the last several months, fights with my husband have escalated to the point that I now fear for my safety. Typically in these fights he will take my keys, cell phone, or block the door so I can't leave to cool off. I will then lash out and hit him (I know this is wrong). He will then defend himself by throwing me to the ground and choking me until I calm down. He will scream at me to stop abusing him.

I am seeking help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, and counselor to overcome my anger and violence problems. Recently I learned that women typically only resort to violence when their basic human rights are threatened, such as freedom of movement or freedom of communication, which applies to our situation. I am on medication which I take every day.

I have begged my husband to go to counseling with me. He denies that he has anything to do with our problems and it is up to me. I told him how much he frightened me when he choked me but he told me I deserved it because I hit him first. I daily contemplate suicide because I don't know how to stop this madness.

I want to leave. Can anyone give me a good reason not to?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

nope. and I would suggest a restraining order on the way out.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Leave. No good will come of the relationship.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

How do I deal with the fear that he will lose his job or commit suicide if I leave?
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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

How would he lose his job if you left?

Has he said he would commit suicide? This is a way to stop you from leaving, and to continue to control you. On the other hand if you stay, you might end up losing your life.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

My husband has repeatedly told me his job performance is tied to how happy or unhappy I make him. He's still railing on me for making him late to work on the day he choked me.
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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

plymouth71 said:


> My husband has repeatedly told me his job performance is tied to how happy or unhappy I make him. He's still railing on me for making him late to work on the day he choked me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm guessing that your husband is *actually* a grownup, right? As adults, we make choices and our choices have consequences. If he chooses to spend his entire workday fuming about a fight you guys had instead of doing his work, then he has to deal with the outcome. You aren't the one blowing off work because you're pissed...he's making his own choices there, not you!
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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I realize it's really hard while you are in the midst of these mind games, but try to recognize it for what it is... mind games. 

My H also made threats - to go away and never interact with the children again - if I leave. Well, I decided that I cannot stay in the marriage for a threat. Who does that serve? The kids and I are better off healing and moving toward real happiness.

Now, I have filed. I did it. Guess what? He wants JOINT CUSTODY!. Sheesh. It was all about control. All of it.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

If I leave, how do I cope with the guilt? I just keep imagining him coming home from work and finding me not there. How do I deal with the guilt of breaking my promises to always be there, to make sure he didn't die alone (his biggest fear)? I don't feel strong enough to do something that's going to hurt him so badly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

plymouth71 said:


> If I leave, how do I cope with the guilt? I just keep imagining him coming home from work and finding me not there. How do I deal with the guilt of breaking my promises to always be there, to make sure he didn't die alone (his biggest fear)? I don't feel strong enough to do something that's going to hurt him so badly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am in the same position. I don't know how WE will cope, but they will be just fine. We will be too. Once we summon the strength to get out - we will be just fine and go about our lives. We may have bad days but in the end we will be happier.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

My pendulum swings back and forth. One minute, I want to go home to my family, I want to feel safe and loved and not be suicidal anymore, the next minute I want my husband, I just want to hold him and just try harder to keep him happy, to hell with my needs. I'm so exhausted by taking his barbs and giving in to him just to keep the peace at home but I can't imagine walking out on him. This is why I want to die, I just want the pain to stop, I don't want to think about it anymore. How can I walk out on him? How can I put my needs above his?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

plymouth71 said:


> How do I deal with the fear that he will lose his job or commit suicide if I leave?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 That is HIS problem, not yours. If he didn't want you to leave, he should have treated you with respect.

Get this book TODAY: _Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men_, by Bancroft.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

plymouth71 said:


> My pendulum swings back and forth. One minute, I want to go home to my family, I want to feel safe and loved and not be suicidal anymore, the next minute I want my husband, I just want to hold him and just try harder to keep him happy, to hell with my needs. I'm so exhausted by taking his barbs and giving in to him just to keep the peace at home but I can't imagine walking out on him. This is why I want to die, I just want the pain to stop, I don't want to think about it anymore. How can I walk out on him? *How can I put my needs above his*?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 What good would you do him if you killed yourself?

Have you told your mother and father what he does? 

That is your first step.

Your second step is to ask them to help you.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

I used to have that book! Read it cover to cover. Got rid of it when I started hitting him after my second suicide attempt. My counselor still has my copy.

I'm in daily, sometimes hourly communication with my mom and sister. I rely on them to talk me down from the edge. I have their full support if I choose to leave. They've both offered to fly out to get me. My mom is 500 miles away, my sister 1000.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Would you want your daughter to stay in such a situation?


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Of course not - a big part of why I never miss a dose of birth control.

Does anyone know if there is such a thing as "detox" for abuse victims? Is there someplace I can go for 30 days to get un-brainwashed? I feel like once-a-week counseling wouldn't be enough to get me through.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My point was, if you wouldn't allow your daughter to be in such a situation, why are YOU any less valuable? Why do YOU deserve to be in such a situation?

Call a local women's shelter and ask them who they recommend for such a thing. I'm sure they have all the resources.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

At the end of the day, I guess I feel like I made this bed and now I have to lie in it. We dated on and off before we were married and I left him once, and stayed away for 4 months. He convinced me things would be better and I believed him.

I tried twice to stop the wedding, including the week before the wedding after I attempted suicide, but he accused me of not loving him and of wanting to be with one of my exes. My perception of myself as a good person is directly tied to my ability to keep him convinced that I love him and no one else. If he feels unloved or unhappy, I can't be happy.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hogwash. That is your excuse for not doing the hard work of being on your own. Sorry, but IMO it's time for you to man up and realize you are creating this mess by making excuses. 

Do you want a happy life or not?


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Thank you. I think that was just what I needed to hear.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

plymouth71 said:


> My husband has repeatedly told me his job performance is tied to how happy or unhappy I make him. He's still railing on me for making him late to work on the day he choked me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have heard exactly the same thing many times from my husband, it is just another way to control you. You are not responsible for his job or suicide threats. I suggest you read about tools used by those who try to control i.e. emotional and physical abuse at this link here.
You are in a toxic situation and really need to consider the long term outcome of this relationship and where you want to be or see yourself 10 years from now.

A new power and control wheel


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

an old thread which i replied to, read next time ........


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