# Leaving today.....when I return he will have moved out....



## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

The kids and I are going to his parents for the weekend without him. He can't face his family. Says he has too much guilt and shame and doesn't need anymore from them.

Talked last night before bed and he will start moving stuff this weekend. When we return on Monday he wants to spend time with me and the kids, and we have plans to go into the city on Tuesday.....after that, the next chapter in our life begins.

Any advice on how to get myself and the kids thru the first days/weeks with him not living with us anymore? We get along very well most of the time and and actually that is the biggest problem for me.....DETACHMENT.....while still raising our children together the best we can...


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

Keep busy, try not to dwell on it. I know it will be hard. Do the kids know that he is moving out yet? If not, I think it is easier if both parents tell them together. It is going to be hell for a while, but the kids will help you get through it. When I divorced my 1st husband (2 kids together) the kids were my salvation. I would have curled up in a ball and never got back up. But not when you have kids to feed and care for. My advice is keep on going, the pain will get easier and easier to deal with. Take things minute by minute. Good luck and keep chatting


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thank you.

Yes the kids (18,15, 6) know although they have mixed emotions about it. D6 is going to have a really hard time because she and H are super close and have a daily ritual of time they spend together before bedtime.

We all think he is being selfish and is making a mistake but only time will tell. I just need to make sure the damage done is minimal. And although I don't want to hurt him, I have to stop accomidating him and making him part of a family unit that he is walking away from, without hurting my children.

Visitations are set up starting Jan 11th at his new place for weekends, and we agreed on one night a week that he picks them up and does dinner. Other than that it will all be one me....


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

When you let him come over and be apart of the "family" you are letting him have his cake and eat it too! He can run the streets and do as he pleases all week, then come over to your house and be a "family" man again. I did the same thing. You need to start your own routines, do something completely different than they did (if possible). Please don't take this the wrong way, but, I want to tell you some of my mistakes so you don't repeat them...I tried to give my kids the world, trying to make up for the fact that their dad wasn't there for them. I ended up spoiling them rotten and not in a cute way either. I didn't want to punish them for bad behavior etc. and now 8 years later I have a very bad teenage girl and an adult son that doesn't want to do anything, thinks the world should be given to him. Don't get me wrong they are both very loving, they just feel self deserving. Just something to look out for. Good luck


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Can't believe it's over said:


> When you let him come over and be apart of the "family" you are letting him have his cake and eat it too! He can run the streets and do as he pleases all week, then come over to your house and be a "family" man again. I did the same thing.


I second that. I let stbxw come over and do "family" christmas and cook us dinner but see it wasn't even for us. It was to make her feel better. Now she's talking as if she can drop off D6 in time for "family dinner". Says it will be good for D6. Wants to do zoo time together, etc too.

I'm not gonna do it. Too confusing for D6 and I don't want to, so no. 

If he wants to be single he needs to be single. What's he doing to make YOU feel better?

How can kids process the split if us parents still do "family time"? It's good for them to see us cooperating, definitely. But pretending? I'm not so sure.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Being with my in laws this weekend ( without him). I realized that I really am grieving the death of the life I had but with him. I thought about some if his comments to me lately about how I gave up on him over the last few years and how he couldn't change how he felt I realized how sad that is because I didn't give up on him, he gave up in me, replaced me with an OW, and walked away from our marriage without a single day of work to try and save it with me. I am so sad it hurts so much to think about the lose of life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

It is going to hurt like hell for a while, a pastor friend of mine told me that dealing with a breakup is harder than dealing with death. With death the person had no choice to move on. When someone leaves you, they are rejecting you, so you have to deal with that along with the fact that you have to talk to them and see them move on with their life. You have to keep in mind that nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. Them leaving was their choice, but you are left to deal with the consequences. Focus on you, keep busy, do something you love or used to love doing. Take the kids to the park, read a book, volunteer somewhere. Rearrange the furniture, paint a room anything to make some changes.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

Here are some things that people told me, that have helped me. I actually printed them out so I can read them any time I need support

Respect yourself enough to let them go.

If they truly love you, they will try

You LOVE who you THOUGHT he was
You LOVE what you THOUGHT your life would be
You LOVE the DREAM of what could have been

He chose not to be with me, so he gets NONE of me

God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you--Don't chase after them


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Can't believe it's over said:


> Here are some things that people told me, that have helped me. I actually printed them out so I can read them any time I need support
> 
> *Respect yourself enough to let them go.
> 
> ...


:')


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Hi Guys......Im home and he is still here....although he moved much of his stuff this weekend, he asked to stay one more night here, in front of our D6 who thought it was an AWESONE ideal....so he is staying and taking us out to breakfast in the AM, then we will go to his new apart with some of D6 stuff, so that she is comfortable when she stays there for the weekend on the 11th. She told H in front of me that she is sad and really wants him to stay at our house forever.....she thinks the apt is too small for him.....we sat down to talk to her about how it will be fine, how he doesn't need a big place.....I think we are going to be ok....

More later


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

United front  good for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

well, slowly but surely the seperation is taking effect. H moved his stuff out over the weekend and D6 and I helped him alittle yesterday with the remainder of the stuff. Went to his apt with D6 to "organize" stuff and set her stuff up there as well. She is handling this all ok this time (H moved out for 3 weeks when all this started in Aug/Sept) she had a really hard time the last time because of the way we handled it. Now making her apart of it has eased some of her fear/anxiety. D18, S15, D6 and the 2 of us went out to eat last night together (D18 suggestion) kids want us to attempt to do some family things together. He has agreed to my terms of visitations, taking kids to school on certain days and dinner with them along one time a week. We seem to be getting along well for now. I have to learn how to impliment the 180 for me and him personally, without taking away from the time the kids derserve with the 2 of us. It will be a big adjustment, we were a family of alot of togetherness, until the fall out of the ILYBANILWY came a few months ago. 

I am unsure how involved he is with OW at this point. He occasionally texts with her, but I really think he wants to be on his own. I know he still wants intamacy with me, as he has tried since I got back, but I have avoided being alone with him.

I am going to work on myself, spending time with the kids, work and doing some work on my home......My view of the next few months is he will be busy getting settled into his new apt, adjusting to new routine, he will probably love is new freedom for at least 3-6 months and then I am sure he will come out of this "fog" and be lonley, realize what he has done and want to reconcile. My hope is by then I will be strong enough to tell him I don't want him back the way things were , which means he needs to prove he wants our marriage, and me.

If none of that happens at least I will have a cleaner home, a better relationship with my kids, a healthier body and mind and a better outlook on what Love should be.....

Happy New Year everyone!!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

LW315

Just wanted to say that from your last post you have a fine perception of what Love really is.



> I am going to work on myself, spending time with the kids, work and doing some work on my home......My view of the next few months is he will be busy getting settled into his new apt, adjusting to new routine, he will probably love is new freedom for at least 3-6 months and then I am sure he will come out of this "fog" and be lonley, realize what he has done and want to reconcile. My hope is by then I will be strong enough to tell him I don't want him back the way things were , which means me needs to prove he wants our marriage, and me.
> 
> If none of that happens at least I will have a cleaner home, a better relationship with my kids, a healthier body and mind and a better outlook on what Love should be.....


Go dark. Keep conversations about the kids or finances only.

He needs to grow up and learn not to be Mr Selfish.

And never be his Plan B.

Good Luck, Happy New Year and I truly hope he finds himself in 2013.

You already know who you are.......

HM64


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

XOXO

Thanks I needed that !


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