# Wife does not want to live around family



## ortolano (Aug 30, 2011)

Well, basically me and the wife have been together as a couple off and on for 12 years total and married April 2010. After the marriage, I dropped my job, my friends, my family and my networking connections to move to Virgina where she had just gotten a new job in mental health counseling. She got her degree in Psychology so the whole school thing is done with. She even has her masters as well. The big debate which has caused us to see a therapist on 9/8, is when and where we want move to Louisiana together and start a family. We both would like the marriage to work and have kids at some point.

I think living close to friends and close to family makes life a little more enjoyable because you have people around you're familiar with and can share good times. My wife on the other hand never ever wanted to move back to Louisiana after leaving there in 2007. She says that in New Orleans ( where we'd be moving ) that the atmosphere is the of "high school drama". When she says this, I don't understand why she chooses to think that. We are 26 and have been out of high school for quite some time. 

I've left her twice before for having too much control of our marriage. I think that her new found friends and her job have sort of taken priority over me. I am the sweetest husband to her and do a lot of chores for her as well. I think our personalities just do not match. We did fine apart, but its when we got married and I moved up to Virginia, is when the problems occurred. Hopefully the therapist can wise her up and tell her that moving back to friends and family is actually a good thing. We both of have friends and family back in Louisiana. Her main argument is that she never wanted to live back home and that back home consists of a high school drama atmosphere and that there are no mental health jobs in Louisiana. My mom tells me she wants to keep me away from my friends and family. Im just at the end of the road trying to make this work but she just wants to wait a year and have it all her way in a sense.


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## ortolano (Aug 30, 2011)

Just to add my career. I am in IT and in New Orleans there are a significant numbers of jobs for my field. Moving back would be a smart and logical thing to do .


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Ortolano, welcome to the TAM forum. It sounds like your W's desire to remain in Virginia is the least of your problems. Particularly concerning is your following statement.


ortolano said:


> I've left her twice before for having too much control of our marriage. I think that her new found friends and her job have sort of taken priority over me. ... I think our personalities just do not match. We did fine apart, but its when we got married and I moved up to Virginia, is when the problems occurred.


Specifically, in what ways is she too controlling? How did that prompt you to leave her twice? Have her friends and job taken priority over you in any ways other than her desire to remain in Virginia? What changed when you moved to Virginia that caused marital problems? And why would you imagine that your W wants to keep you away from your friends and family? IMO, these are the important issues -- rather than the disagreement over where to live.


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## ortolano (Aug 30, 2011)

Uptown, thanks for the warm welcome I appreciate it.

What prompted me to leave were two occasions. 
The first time I left to find a better job for us and after I came back, her dad actually sat me down in my own house and talked down to me about what I should and should not be doing in a marriage. After the conversation with her dad I told her what just happened and she did absolutely nothing to try and mediate the situation. She just let her dad roll all over me, something I thinked she liked. I think the only reason she married me was just have her "big day" since she is a fashion freak and spends quite alot of money on clothes and hair do's. 

Her dad wants to layout our marriage for us as well. Insinuating on which schools I should go to then after that go to another school, then what kind of job I have should have ( something government since they are a "cop" oriented family. The first time is when I just moved up to VA and had NO LUCK finding a job whatsoever so I told her we were still married, but I just needed to try and find a job somewhere to make ends meat. I tried everything. My wife said well "why don't you go work as a police officer or correctional officer". She has this thing for cops since her parents were cops and a lot of her "guy" friends are cops from work. 

She wants to control the entire situation by telling me that since shes signed up for school (online) already, she has to wait a year for "her" schedule to work out just right which is in a year. Meanwhile, my job up here is getting slower and slower and I have lived up here in VA for just a little under two years and she still wants to wait longer to move. Shes not ready to leave her friends or her job and she says she would move in a year ,but she doesnt even want to live anywhere in Louisiana at all, so why even force her, shes just going to make me regret in the future. Im finding alot of offers coming from way from New Orleans for the IT industry which is why Id like to move there sometime soon.

The reason I image she wants to keep me way from friends/family was because she just does not like my friends for whatever reason. I have good trustable friends who would do anything for me. My family she just doesnt like because she doesnt believe in what they do is right in her eyes. She is a very passive manipulative person and trys to hide her true *****y side. Any little slip from me and its a mean face and bad attitude. I think she wants everything to be her way or no way. As for her friends/job taking prority. She seems to be infront of her cell phone every waking minute texting them or talking to them on the phone. 

She tends to be immature now and the marriage is non-existent, she wants to kiss me good night but we never hug or have sex at all. She thinks the therapist is going to make us come to a compromise as to wether to move in a year or a few months. She thinks we have to save 4000 to move, but we have our own bedroom at her parent's to move into before we get settled. The marriage just got incredibly dull after moving up to VA, like I just was there and not the priority in her life which she is in mine. Theres nothing I can do to get her to compromise in the littlest fashion. Even though we did great 800 miles apart, she thinks since were married now that we cant live apart anymore. Just an overall controlling attitude about every little thing, what we eat, what we drink, what i buy, everything. She can spend 100 bucks on toys that we don't use but if I puy a pepsi she throws a fit. I'm just lost for words at this point and have exhausted all my options. We are newly weds, and this type of thing should not have happened. Moving to New Orleans is better for us financially and we have family there. What can i do to make her compromise with me to move sooner? Thanks for all your help.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Ortolano, thanks for your very articulate, detailed response. That is very helpful. I was hoping, however, for an explanation of your statement, "I've left her twice before for having too much control of our marriage." You say you left her the first time "to find a better job for us" when you could not find work in VA -- but you mention nothing about her "having too much control" as a factor in that first move. As to the second move, I cannot find any explanation at all (but perhaps I am misreading what you wrote).

I am asking about the circumstances surrounding those two departures because an important issue is what role your W played in them. That is, is she a moderately narcissistic, controlling, passive aggressive b*tch -- as you describe her -- or, rather, a loving, caring, hard-working W who was the first one to establish an excellent carreer position and thus is unwilling to leave a good secure thing at a time when her marriage is floundering. 

I nonetheless will say that, so far, you have been describing a woman I would not want to be married to. Yet, that seems to be an unfair conclusion given your determination to remain married to her.


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