# should I be concerned?



## rose528 (May 23, 2012)

My husband was using facebook to check out women. He viewed a massive amount of women's profiles and photos. He made no contact and claims he was just looking and had no intentions. Of contacting any of them. I am hurt but I don't know if I should be bothered by it or concerned. I am confused about how I should feel.


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

Did he say why he was looking?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You should be.

Install a keylogger on his computer to see if he is secretly in touch with any.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

We men like to look at women just as women like to look at men so calm down,I like to look at personal adds also but have never responded just out of curiosity sake.

I know nobody ever does it,but I say go to the computer when he is there and start looking at the personal with men and tell him you discovered how fun it is,I bet he will change,if you get after him about it with anger he will just hide it better.

If you don't trust your husband and actually think you need to instal a keylogger then why be with him and I say that to anybody that is putting keyloogers on,just don't stay married if there is no trust.


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## rose528 (May 23, 2012)

mommyofthree said:


> Did he say why he was looking?


He said he was looking at women he thought was good looking and caught his eye.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I find that behavior odd, on facebook.

What, a google search for "beautiful women" turned up only 2 billion hits instead of 3 billion?

There is only one reason one trawls facebook, and it's for contact with a live human being.

If it was just one or two--or even 5 or 10--but "massive?" That is bizarre and a huge red flag.


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## rose528 (May 23, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I find that behavior odd, on facebook.
> 
> What, a google search for "beautiful women" turned up only 2 billion hits instead of 3 billion?
> 
> ...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Oh come on.

I've done this many times.

Men can't keep their eyes off women. If it's on the internet, it's pretty much fair game to look at. 

A nice looking woman is to be looked at, not to be ignored.

Interestingly enough, shy men are the ones who tend to look at women more  Let them enjoy the sight. What is so wrong about enjoying nature?!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I find that behavior odd, on facebook.
> 
> What, a google search for "beautiful women" turned up only 2 billion hits instead of 3 billion?
> 
> ...


No it's not.

Why do you say it's a huge red flag?

If it was repeatedly just one or two woman, THAT would be a red flag.

He went on a looking spree to pass some time. 

Again, I've done this myself and it's a meaningless activity to gratify your eyes. It has no effect on the relationship or sexual behavior. It's just another form of socializing. 

You don't talk to everyone on the street, but you certainly see them. Your eyes naturally turn towards people who look more interesting/attractive to you. That's just nature.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

rose528 said:


> He said he was looking at women he thought was good looking and caught his eye.


OP, What did you say when he told you that he was looking at women he thought were good looking?

I wouldn't find it okay if my husband tried to look for beautiful women on the internet. That is not acceptable! That is okay for a single man, not for a married/committed man. I understand that if a beautiful woman walks by it might catch a man's attention for a moment even if he is committed/married. That is quite normal.... However searching for beautiful women on internet, facebook is weird in my books for a married man.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

synthetic said:


> No it's not.
> 
> Why do you say it's a huge red flag?
> 
> ...


I've done it too. Typically, an attractive woman pops up as a possible friend connection and catches my eye or I see an attrative woman responding to a friends post and I look at the picture!

Shoot me for being visual!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I am so sick of people saying "Oh, we're men...we were only looking" A passing glance, I can see. But seriously? Going thru a bunch of Facebook profiles to see beautiful women? So glad my husband doesn't think like this. And before anyone jumps on me about it... I am with him nearly constantly. He doesn't go on the computer often. Usually our 3 yr old is on there. This "all men do it" bs is just that... bs. NOT EVERY MAN goes searching the internet for beautiful women. Just like not every man masturbates. Not every man thinks the way so many here seem to. 

OP, if it bothers you, sit him down and talk about it. Make sure he is truly listening.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

So let's say there are valid points. One of them is that it's normal for men to check out women. Another is that this sounds like a sign of a problem, because it's an active search rather than a harmless passive search.

But many of the typical reactions that come with suspicions like this are not working towards the real problem. What you want to happen is for this attention to go towards you as much as possible and any other woman as little as possible.

Why aren't you getting his attention? Focus on that. Whether you get his attention or not, you'll be better positioned - if you don't get his attention, you'll be positioned to get someone else's. If you get his attention, problem solved.

For this reason, the suggestion to sit next to him and do the same thing is a suggestion that might be one of them that could work.

It's also why confrontation based on distrust might only make it worse.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I understand men like looking at women and vice versa. But I think there is a huge difference in looking at women like models/porn stars/actresses -vs- women he can get into contact with easily (facebook/myspace/whateverbookspace) and if I ever catch my guy on dating sites/personals or the like, it won't be okay, at all, we'd have HUGE problems and it probably wouldn't end well.


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## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

I would be a little concerned. I understand men like visuals but not EVERY man goes on Facebook/MySpace to look at pretty women. I will be the first to say that before my husband met me, he was all into porn and pretty women, but when we got together and got married, that stopped. We both discuss actors/actresses who are good looking and we have even done the whole "out of our friends, who is better looking" game. But he doesn't go online just to browse. He loves me and the way I look and is satisfied. So OP, just talk to him and find out the reason behind it.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> I am so sick of people saying "Oh, we're men...we were only looking" A passing glance, I can see. But seriously? Going thru a bunch of Facebook profiles to see beautiful women? So glad my husband doesn't think like this. And before anyone jumps on me about it... I am with him nearly constantly. He doesn't go on the computer often. Usually our 3 yr old is on there. This "all men do it" bs is just that... bs. NOT EVERY MAN goes searching the internet for beautiful women. Just like not every man masturbates. Not every man thinks the way so many here seem to.
> 
> OP, if it bothers you, sit him down and talk about it. Make sure he is truly listening.


Yes, my point as well. I don't agree most men do such things.. besides specifically looking at other women on FB is somewhat of pervert behavior in my opinion. As someone mentions its not like he is looking at models or pornstars (which is also wrong). FB is for reconnecting with friends not for drooling over other ladies who would most likely have posted their profiles to reconnect with friends/fly. 

In any case this is not the same as window shopping for expensive cars that you can't afford to buy. There need to be certain boundaries in a marriage and this kind of behavior should be trimmed at the beginning itself.


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## rose528 (May 23, 2012)

eowyn said:


> OP, What did you say when he told you that he was looking at women he thought were good looking?
> 
> I wouldn't find it okay if my husband tried to look for beautiful women on the internet. That is not acceptable! That is okay for a single man, not for a married/committed man. I understand that if a beautiful woman walks by it might catch a man's attention for a moment even if he is committed/married. That is quite normal.... However searching for beautiful women on internet, facebook is weird in my books for a married man.


I told him that it bothered me and it felt like what he was doing was something that a single man would do not a married man. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea for a married man to be seeking out women on a site where he could actually reach out to the women if he chose to. He said that he looked at it as if it was no different than looking at a men's magazine or checking out attractive women in public. He said he has no desire to physically cheat.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

rose528 said:


> I told him that it bothered me and it felt like what he was doing was something that a single man would do not a married man. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea for a married man to be seeking out women on a site where he could actually reach out to the women if he chose to. *He said that he looked at it as if it was no different than looking at a men's magazine or checking out attractive women in public.* He said he has no desire to physically cheat.


If that's the case, why didn't he just google "pretty women" or "beautiful women"...and he can see pretty women that way. People who would likely be in men's mags or whatever. Searching for beautiful women on Facebook is very very odd.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

rose528 said:


> He said that he looked at it as if it was no different than looking at a men's magazine or checking out attractive women in public. He said he has no desire to physically cheat.


What I didn't see you type is that he said he will stop. Plain and simple. It is different. Looking at a men's magazine does not provide an avenue for contacting attractive women. Checking out attractive women in public has psychological and physiological barriers to contact which do not exist with Facebook. 

We're men. Make it direct, concise, and unambiguous. Exactly as I stated it.

P.S. The fact that it makes you insecure is all the reason that should be necessary to justify him stopping the looking at women on Facebook. Just wanted to make sure that wasn't left out from my effort to concisely state the point.


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## rose528 (May 23, 2012)

WillK said:


> What I didn't see you type is that he said he will stop. Plain and simple. It is different. Looking at a men's magazine does not provide an avenue for contacting attractive women. Checking out attractive women in public has psychological and physiological barriers to contact which do not exist with Facebook.
> 
> We're men. Make it direct, concise, and unambiguous. Exactly as I stated it.
> 
> P.S. The fact that it makes you insecure is all the reason that should be necessary to justify him stopping the looking at women on Facebook. Just wanted to make sure that wasn't left out from my effort to concisely state the point.


He has agreed to stop. He recognizes that it is hurtful to me, but I am still a little concerned that he did this in the first place. I am concerned that he is stopping this behavior because it is hurtful to me and not because he truly feels that it is wrong, and it causes me to wonder if there will be more behavior like this, if he doesn't see that it is a problem. If that makes sense?


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## rose528 (May 23, 2012)

I have tried extremely hard to keep him interested in me sexually. We have 3 children ages 5 and under and after each pregnancy I have worked hard to get back down to my pre pregnancy weight of 115 lbs. I do my best to fix myself up for him on a regular basis. I love sex and am open to trying new things. I have even took sexy pics of myself for him. When he was looking at these womens profile pages he was at work. He had a limitless about of time to spend surfing the net....so I can somewhat undestand that he was bored & passing time by checking out women on the net. But, on the other hand I was at home taking care of our 3 kids, feeling overwhelmed & exhausted and still making extreme effort to be sexual and attentive to him when he gets home...so it is hurtful that while I'm putting in work to keep our marriage strong, he is doing things that could be potentially destructive to our marriage.


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## oakhillady (May 23, 2012)

I agree, he's using Facebook, and that's no good. If he's looking at them, he has an account, and it's not the same as going onto a porn site or doing an online search for random women. If I were you, I would just suggest that he uses porn or something instead, because you are uncomfortable with him being able to contact these girls. It just isn't right. I caught my ex contacting women on myspace, and after a year of trying to trust him again, I had to kick him to the curb because the behavior didn't stop (or if it did, it wasn't until I stopped caring about him and what he was up to).


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Could be a result of him being constrained away from various sites by work, but usually social networking is part of that kind of restriction. Really thorough workplace web filters will get places like this (TAM) too. DOH


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

So here we go again, you talked with him he said he was going to not do and guess what HE IS but he will just hide it better maybe if you would have tried to make it a more unconventional approach you might have gotten somewhere.

It seems to me you are lacking in Self Esteem as long with anybody else that gets worried over a bunch of pictures,do you trust your husband or not is the question because if you do then it will be just a bunch of pictures ,if he want to cheat he can go find somebody without the computer just like in the days before the computer.

I really like the responses I am with my husband all the time,are you his wife or his mother watching over him and he can't go on the computer or another person saying I don't let my husband do this or that on the computer, what is that about when you are two adults.

It just not Men looking at women it also women looking at men so get off that only men thing.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Maybe a bit off topic, and maybe not. I see it in this thread as in many others, and it is also a discussion that my wife and I have frequently.

How can you say "FB is for this and not for that", "CL is for this and not for that" etc. etc.? These are just communication platforms, places to meet and socialize. In the old days, they used letters, town squares and bars for that.

My wife thinks it is legal to have personal chats with people on FB as long as it is somebody you know back from school, neibourghood etc. She recently met a guy, she used to know from childhood, at a bar and afterwards connected at FB chatting away. Perfectly OK to her.
But she got extremely alert when I met a girl online and chatted on FB. I don't see the difference. She says that I haven't actually met this girl IRL, and that tells her something about this womans intentions. I, on the other hand says, that I definitely don't feel more safe just because they connected at a bar previously...
What I am saying is, that meeting place and communication platform isn't the real issue. H*ll, my wife met her AP in my kids school, communication platform was oral face-to-face and text. They weren't even friends on FB. Sooo...
The real issue is, what are your intention in doing this AND do you have your boundaries and love for each other in place? If not, you have something to work on.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Here is the problem with FB - and the problem with texting is very much the same.

On the most basic level, the key steps for seducing a woman are that you instigate (start a conversation), isolate (get them alone) and escalate (move to something heavier than conversation. FB chats and texting make the first 2 steps significantly easier than face-to-face conversation. 

"I met someone at the bar..." is a sign that the instigation step was probably attempted and might have been successful, but doesn't say that a successful isolation took place - and unless it was a swinger club or something, escalation was out of the question.

FB and texting even allow opportunities for escalation, for that matter.

So if it wasn't clear just how FB chat is something to be concerned about maybe that might help understand.

(For that matter though it bears mentioning, these reasons can also make it a kind of tool to use for busy couples to maintain some intimacy)


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

WillK said:


> Here is the problem with FB - and the problem with texting is very much the same.
> 
> On the most basic level, the key steps for seducing a woman are that you instigate (start a conversation), isolate (get them alone) and escalate (move to something heavier than conversation. FB chats and texting make the first 2 steps significantly easier than face-to-face conversation.
> 
> ...


I get that and I agree with you. New media platform make cheating easier. My point was just that it is not the platform or target group itself that represents the problem, and not the normal use of it, it is this specific persons INTENDED and ACTUAL use of it that represents the problem - and this applies to the bar visit as well.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> So here we go again, you talked with him he said he was going to not do and guess what HE IS but he will just hide it better maybe if you would have tried to make it a more unconventional approach you might have gotten somewhere.
> 
> It seems to me you are lacking in Self Esteem as long with anybody else that gets worried over a bunch of pictures,do you trust your husband or not is the question because if you do then it will be just a bunch of pictures ,if he want to cheat he can go find somebody without the computer just like in the days before the computer.
> 
> ...



I LOVE that this is all you got out of what I said. I never said I am watching his every move, or restricting what he is doing. We are home, together, all day, everyday. I CAN see what he does on the computer. I don't watch his every move. Our SON is on the computer more than he is, BY CHOICE. Not because I am watching his every move, but because he has no desire to be on the computer. And don't even try to say "it's because he knows you're watching him". That's bs as well. He has other, underlying problems, which contribute to this lack of interest. We are working on getting that fixed. 

I'm well aware that BOTH men and women look. The thing is, some, it is just a passing glance. Some, it is more. The point that was made IN THE BEGINNING is that it is ODD to search for pictures of women (or men) on Facebook. It makes more sense to do a google search if you have no interest in hooking up with anyone. 

I must have missed where someone said it was only men who do these things. I commented as I did before because so many use the excuse that men are visual, blah, blah, blah... Yea, they're visual. But guess what...some women are just as visual. I just don't know anyone who goes searching Facebook, just to find pretty women. That's not normal.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The bottom line is not that he was using Facebook, really. It is that the wife was uncomfortable with something, and asked him to stop. The same would apply if it were in reverse. It's not about self esteem, it's about respect. If you know your spouse doesn't like when you do something, the answer is simple: don't do it. My husband didn't like some of my male friends, because he believed they had ulterior motives for befriending me (all online friends, not irl). I didn't believe him. I thought there was nothing wrong with it. I was wrong. The motives became clear. And I dropped the friends. And I learned from that. If he is uncomfortable with a friendship, we discuss it, and I stop speaking with the friend. And he has the same respect for me. He may not understand the reasoning. Hell, he may not AGREE with the reasoning. But the point is, it makes me uncomfortable, and he stops. It makes him uncomfortable, and *I* stop. It's about *respect*.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

To the OP:

I wanted to suggest a couple of books for the two of you, one is His Needs / Her Needs, and the other is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. There are several forum members who recommend both books highly; His Needs / Her Needs is excellent. Another book (shorter and more of a jump start) is The 5 Love Languages, which teaches each spouse how to express the love the way their wife or husband prefers, rather than what you think they prefer.

I suggest HN/HN and 5 Love Languages because they are win-win, he will warm up to you working to meet the needs he actually wants met. You might be surprised to find that they are different than you think they are. It may turn out that physical touch and sex are important to him but not as critical as you imagine--for example, I rank physical touch highly and my husband does not.

Please don't take this as me giving you more "homework" to do for an unappreciative husband. I've been where you are with tiny kids knocking myself out while my husband was at work deciding whether he should go to the bathroom, surf the Internet, or slowly eat his sandwich. I tried many times to explain how constraining it is raising small children, your own needs get pushed to the bottom all day until you think at times you might go insane. 

But never forget--as I foolishly did--that he is doing the modern equivalent of slaying dragons with his job--he is allowing you the privilege of raising your kids and preventing you from living in the street. Since I was a highly paid professional before quitting work to take care of our kids, I allowed myself to give his working for us short shrift. Sadly, it took his entering an emotional affair for me to get the wake up call that he needs Word of Affirmation and Acts of Service (i.e., somewhat clean house) more than he needs Affection or Physical Touch.

The point of these books is also for HIM to start responding in kind to your needs, and being more sensitive to them. People aren't mind readers and I think the reason HN/HN is so popular is that it opens up our eyes to fully appreciating our spouse, even if you've been married a long time (my husband and I have been together 20 years).

The other book, Boundaries in Marriage, is a great way to walk through what you mutually agree are the outer bounds of what's okay to do and not to do as married people. These are going to be different for everyone and they are reached by compromise between you two. Drawing the boundaries helps ensure that you both work to respect the other. Once the boundaries are agreed to, you will have a better idea of when his actions are an 'in your face' sign of disrespect vs. stupid husband mindlessly surfing the web.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Oh, and I forgot to mention Love Busters. Help him see what annoys you and you him. The reason this book goes hand-in-hand with the others is that if you're not careful, you give with one hand (meet your spouse's needs) and with the other, you take away (love busters).

Again, this is as much for him to learn about YOU to be a good husband as it is for you to target his individual preferences.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> So here we go again, you talked with him he said he was going to not do and guess what HE IS but he will just hide it better maybe if you would have tried to make it a more unconventional approach you might have gotten somewhere.
> 
> It seems to me you are lacking in Self Esteem as long with anybody else that gets worried over a bunch of pictures,*do you trust your husband or not is the question because if you do then it will be just a bunch of pictures* ,if he want to cheat he can go find somebody without the computer just like in the days before the computer.
> 
> ...


In my opinion Trust is not for free... It is something that needs to be earned by the other party. If OP's husband is checking out these hot FB women I think he is giving her enough reason to not entirely trust him. "Checking out women over FB" is not the same as "Browsing appliances on Amazon". Also not stopping this kind of a behavior is equivalent to encouraging this behavior.


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