# So hurt and confused



## ShatteredHeart (Sep 14, 2012)

Hi all, I am new to this forum and have been feeling so devastated that I finally decided to post here to maybe get some feedback, thoughts, support, etc. from those of you who are going through the same thing. I have been on here numerous times and have been able to relate to so many of the posts I have read. I am sorry in advance for the lengthy post. My husband became sweethearts just out of high school and have been married for 20 years. We have a beautiful and sweet 9 year old daughter. For the first 16 years of our marriage, we were each other's best friends, we enjoyed numerous hobbies/interests, and we had never had any major arguments (only the occasional disagreement, usually because he's such a tease that he takes it too far, then it's too much). We were the "power couple"- friends came to US for advice, we were the ones that looked like newlyweds a decade into our marriage. The areas where we were opposite seemed to balance/compliment the other (he's more introverted, I'm more of an extrovert; he's never been a stong communicator- I even half-joked at one time that he hinges on the passive aggressive side...more on that later, while I am the opposite; he's street-smart and I am very academic). We have always been an affectionate, demonstrative, fun-loving, involved, and supportive couple. Until I went back to school to become a Registered Nurse.

Currently, my husband and I have been separated for two months and he is living at his dad's house. I feel like my entire world is shattered right now. When I went back to school, we discussed how challenging things were going to be, but we just knew we could handle it- our love was so strong and we were so stable, how could it not work? We couldn't have been more wrong. As I had to study longer and harder, I made new friends (and I will add that finally having girlfriends was the realization of a missing element in my life- I was always getting back-stabbed growing up), and things were coming together in a string of successes personally and academically, I didn't realize how much those things took my focus away from my husband and daughter during that two-year period. As a matter-of-fact, I was determined not to put anybody or anything on the backburner as so many of my classmates had done, and everything/everyone seemed like a priority to me. He took on almost all of the chores, entertaining our little one; he became Mr. Mom. When I would try to invite him to certain things, they were of no interest to him, but he assured me to go have a good time, no problem, etc. Truth be told, I became a kid in a candy shop and realize now that I lost my focus for a moment; it was a temporary, brief period of time in our many years together and I didn't mean to come off as having distanced myself emotionally or "not being there" for him- I had always been there for him prior to those two years and I have been since. That was my contribution to this whole mess. I see how hurtful that was and I have apologized to him numerous times, pouring my heart and my tears out to him.

During that same time, he was going through changes and stresses of his own and he became increasingly distant from me. I didn't know why because he never said despite my asking him on many occasions if something was wrong. He just took on cold, distant, indifferent, and even cruel behaviors (rude/cutting comments, withholding affection, ignoring me)- he lost weight, had a vision correction surgery, and seemed to strut around like an arrogant pea****. I felt emotionally abandoned as well. Later he would admit to intentionally trying to hurt me because of how I made him feel during that time, even though I went back to school to better our lives. Anyway, the worst part is that he started working out with a female co-worker that I used to be on friendly terms with, but it really set off a red flag for me. I had never been jealous of his female friends, but this one started to rub me the wrong way. He was working out with her in an isolated room upstairs from the office, rumors started flying out in the field that they were sleeping together, he took our daughter to meet her and her family at the animal park and a couple of other places when I had clinicals and couldn't make it, and he even lied to me on a couple of occasions once I told him I didn't like her or want him around her for non-work related functions (he lied and said he wouldn't be around her or take her to the function but found out through word of mouth that he did- and that tramp followed him around like a puppy dog the whole time they were at the function)! All the things that he felt frustrated about with me at that time was never discussed with me, but he told HER! Once I realized all of this was happening, I felt sick to my soul! I told him that this is an emotional affair and it has to stop- of course I was the one overreacting, and I was told repeatedly "we are just friends." He has discounted my feelings about this even until now. When I tried to tell him my feelings, he tried to compare his friendship with this woman as being the same as my sam-sex friendships! Then he became really hurtful and insinuated that maybe I was the one having an affair! (He very hurtfully said that I could be having a lesbian affair!! It is the most hurtful AND ludicrous thing he has ever said to me). At one point I even tried talking to two of his female cousins because they worked with him in the office, but they dismissed it saying things like he is just hard-headed and stubborn but that he loves me and wouldn't do anything like that, and that that female co-worker is an airhead and totally innocent (yeah right) and that I have nothing to worry about. I was trying desperately to get help for us and everybody turned a blind eye! His boss's brother even expressed concern that my husband had changed drastically and seemed uncomfortably close to that secretary.I took him to see my former pastor and my husband pretty much just shut down. He martyred himself, scrutinized/criticized every little detail about me, but he NEVER told me how hurt, frustrated, angry, resentful, etc. he was feeling- if he had told me I would have fixed it. I still would give anything for him to have communicated with me! Although I do not trust him and I have lost all belief in him, in my gut I do not think he has been with her physically. I do feel very strongly he has an emotional bond with her that puts him on a slippery slope to a sexual relationship, and he puts her feelings and friendship above me/our marriage... all seemingly regardless of the cost at this point.

The business where they worked together closed in April of this year. I was relieved as I viewed it as a new beginning for us- we even started to feel like us again. My husband was hired almost immediately at a company in the same line of work and his current boss hired many employees from the old company to run this new office. My husband is the office manager, and would you like to guess who his boss hired to be his secretary? Yep- that woman! Steve never said anything to the boss even though he is more than aware of the rumors that existed, and the office arrangement haunts me every day now- my husband and that witch are the only two in that office day in and day out, five days a week. When he started working at this new place, all of a sudden he never invited me for lunch or to see the new office, he stopped telling me about work, and when I finally just showed up one day to see it, the front door was locked even though they were both there. He literally looked stunned to see me there! As if that wasn't hurtful enough, when I walked in to his office, there were no pictures of me/us on the wall- only pictures of him with our daughter. For her part, that witch doesn't keep any pictures of her husband on her wall either- they both look like single parents to the casual observer. Of course he had a logical reason why they lock the door when they are working in the warehouse (too many solicitors, etc.- I said install a service bell!!). He is angry because I do not trust him now, but I told him he has given me every good reason not to!

Through a series of life events, we both got to a point where we each felt emotionally abandoned, detached from one another, and no longer seem to share very many common interests. He has become a man of routine and I try to initiate fun little adventures for us as a couple and as a family. I have suggested date nights, which never happen. He is quick to fall asleep on the couch even when we have scheduled having a"hot date night." He never compliments me anymore, and he no longer demonstrates the affection that he always had in the past. My husband left on July 3rd after I tried talking things out with him. When he first left, he said that he doesn't miss me when I am gone to work, and that he has no interest in hearing about me/my job, and he thinks furthering my education is highly unnecessary. Shortly after that, he said he wants to work things out, and that he wants to speak with me directly vs. going to a counselor... but he never initiates any conversation, and when I do, he still goes into mostly a shut down mode. Sometimes he is affectionate like he used to be, and other times he is completely withdrawn. It is rare when I hear the words "I love you." I have had him come home on some of the weekends and we do things together, but honestly, I don't think they would happen if I didn't initiate any of it. Steve has withdrawn from personal and shared interests, he is no longer gung-ho to try new things or go new places; He has even told me that if I didn't "call him out" on any of this, he would have been very content to keep burying his feelings and basically going through the motions vs. having to communicate and face all of this. I told him that I love him and I miss him, but he has been gone (emotionally and mentally) for a long time and I am lonely for him and feel like I am being punished for multiple things that happened during that period of time (His boss was putting the full workload on him, he was having to contend with two backstabbers in the company, and his mom died during that time- and he has buried that grief more than anybody else in his family realizes). Recently, he said that he realizes he does miss me sometimes now. This all seems like such a nightmare- I've never been a nag, or a self-centered/selfish wife. I have always been supportive and loving towards him. Even though he has never been the strongest communicator, he has never had a hard time expressing his feelings with me until all of this. When do you stop loving or missing someone that you've been so close to? Why was it so easy to withdraw love at the first test we've ever even had in our marriage?

In my gut, I don't think he has been with her physically- I told him that I feel we can work through this, and I admitted where I went wrong and apologized with my whole heart, but the one thing I will not tolerate is that other woman being anywhere in the picture, even if that means he has to quit. Apparently, he talked to the boss about 1 month ago and the boss was supposed to return after approximately two weeks to lay that woman off and it was going to be based on "a drop in business." It has yet to happen, and my husband doesn't seem to be eager to follow up with the boss to make it happen and to try and get himself home with our little one and I, where he belongs. A month ago, I asked him to please get her off of his Facebook page. His response was to inactivate his whole account... until now. I just found out that over this past weekend, he has re-activated the account and she is still listed as one of his friends! I am so lost, confused, and hurt. I don't know what to think, say, or feel anymore. I am studying in my Bible, and I am reading "The Power of a Praying Wife." My husband is a non-believer, but I love him and I lift him, our marriage, and our family up in prayer to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I love my husband and our family with all my heart! Some days I feel like I am dying inside. I feel strongly that he may have an underlying depression or possibly a mid-life crisis, but he will not seek any help. I just don't know if any of this matters to him anymore. I don't know if I matter. I am going to a counselor next Tuesday. I will see what happens.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Hi... sorry you are here and I know it is difficult.

I went through and am still going through an affair my WH is having. I, like you, could almost have sworn that the affair was only a EA and not a PA. Well, just like everyone here said, it actually was a PA and a long time one at that.

I hate to say it, but I would be almost certain this is a PA. 

IMO--You have to give him an immediate ultimatum. Either he goes total no contact (NC) with her forever with you able to get all his passwords etc for computer and phone OR file for divorce (D) and serve him immediately. This has to be quick and with no wavering. It is simple question with yes or no answer (or any other answer than yes is concidered a no).


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