# Surprise -- sexual problems in marriage



## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

I have been married for a little over 4 years. We have a great relationship outside of the sexual aspect. In the past 2 years, we might have had sex 12 times. We've had conversation after conversation about it, but nothing ever changes.

I don't know where the problem is coming from. He says he doesn't either. He seems to prefer masturbating rather than making any effort to have intercourse with me. This has gone on so long that I'd honestly rather masturbate too.

Years of barely having any intimacy have left me feeling undesirable, unattractive (which I know I am very attractive), and like all of my sexuality has been sucked out of me.

I need to feel wanted. I need to feel some passion. And I feel none of that anymore. I'm not really even sexually attracted to him anymore because there is no sex. I still love him, but something is missing and I don't know where it went.

I've tried dressing up in lingerie and initiating which does work, but I can't do that several times a week. I feel it shouldn't be just my responsibility. I need some effort from him as well. I tend to play off of my partner, and him giving me nothing makes me want to give nothing.

I know I only mention what I need and what I want, but that's because I don't know what he needs or wants. He has said that he thinks mutual masturbation will open me up (because apparently this problem only exists on my side) and he thinks it will bring us closer.... here's the thing: we have sex so little that I don't even feel sexually comfortable with him. If sex feels awkward because of the lack thereof, how on earth would I feel comfortable masturbating in front of him?

I don't know how many more ways I can be straight up with him about my feelings. I am always the one who brings this up meaning I want sex. 

I'm at a loss.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

xyz000 said:


> I know I am very attractive


How can you be so sure?


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

Well, other than the fact that I think I'm cute and I'm in excellent physical shape with a nice figure -- he compliments me and tells me that I look great. Other men are attracted to me. I don't know how else to expound on it.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

xyz000 said:


> Well, other than the fact that I think I'm cute and I'm in excellent physical shape with a nice figure -- he compliments me and tells me that I look great. Other men are attracted to me.


Forget about what you think that's too subjective, we all live in a world of denial about ourselves, that's just human nature.

Hubby says you look great but he'd rather jerk off than have sex with you so forget his words and look at his actions.

How do other men show they're attracted to you? Because they tell you that you look great too?

All I'm saying is that there's a reason that hubby no longer wants to have sex with you. 

Something has changed. It might be you, it might not be you.


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

You're absolutely right. Something has changed. I do not believe it is my looks. In our marriage, I look better than I did when we got married, and he has let himself go. Yes, other people tell me I am attractive. 

I'd love to know why he'd rather masturbate than initiate sex with me. I'd like to think it isn't just about looks. I still think he is cute even though he doesn't look the way he did in the beginning.

Other than that, any ideas? Because I really need some ideas/suggestions/advice/commentary. Anything really.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Sexual problems are always a sign for other problems. It can have a myriad of reasons. Depending on what's the case you might need some counselling. From my experience I suggest to avoid a behavioural psychologist, more someone who works differently. \
Other than that I can say that you might simply think yourself or with your partner what has changed in your relationship at the time your sex life halted? What has changed outside your relationship? Did a family member die? Rather than trying to get sex I would try to work out these issues. Looks are only one thing, but if you don't feel wanted you let yourself go.
To begin you could read Schnarch "intimacy and desire".
You cannot change your partner, you can only change yourself and that might result that your partner will change too, so figure out what did you do for not having sex?


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

One common problem that couples do experience is the decreasing of their sex drive. However, there are some supplements now that could help you to boost your sex drive again.


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## Charmed37 (Aug 13, 2012)

" here's the thing: we have sex so little that I don't even feel sexually comfortable with him."

xyz-same problem here. I wish I had the fix for this one myself. I been doing some reading but have yet to find and solutions. Maybe others will chime in and offer up some advice on this. I personally don't read to much into "maybe it's your looks" type of advice. I do understand men are visual beings and do take it into consideration but with you it doesn't seem to be the main issue. I'm in better physical shape now than I was when I got married and still deal with not being comfortable because of lack of frequency. Instead of just mentioning what you want, try telling him exactally what you want. I've had some short term success with that but nothing that has lasted more than a couple of weeks.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Ladies, put the thought of it possibly being about your looks right out of your head. You'd have to be an absolute monster for any properly functioning guy to consistently choose masturbation over sex with you. In which case he wouldn't have married you in the first place. 

For the life of me I can't understand how people can feel like their relationship is "wonderful"...except for the sex. To me that is like saying, "I absolutely love my car except for the fact the engine doesn't work". An engine is an intricate part of an automobile. Without it you really don't have a car you have some sort of ill conceived shelter. 

Presumably you entered into your relationship with the expectation you would have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. If either party in the relationship reneges on that agreement, to me, that opens up the relationship to renegotiation. Just like if I reserve a specific rental car and when I arrive to pick it up it's not available. At that point I have the option of accepting the alternative they offer me or choosing to go with a whole different rental agency. How I make out of that deal is going to come down to how assertive I am. 

I think for those of you not enjoying the sex you want you have to be more assertive. The strongest bargaining position comes from having the ability to walk away. If you're not prepared to do that you pretty much have to accept whatever they offer.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Maritime is correct. You can't unilaterally change the deal.

You don't mention age. Could he have low testosterone? ED?

I would lay it on the line with him...

1 - get a physical to see if there is something wrong
2 - if healthy, marriage counseling to dig deeper, however you have to be prepared to hear issues that may be on his mind that you don't know about.
3 - if nothing physical or mental, then you just have to tell him it's HIS problem to solve, and solve quickly.


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Ladies, put the thought of it possibly being about your looks right out of your head. You'd have to be an absolute monster for any properly functioning guy to consistently choose masturbation over sex with you. In which case he wouldn't have married you in the first place.
> 
> For the life of me I can't understand how people can feel like their relationship is "wonderful"...except for the sex. To me that is like saying, "I absolutely love my car except for the fact the engine doesn't work". An engine is an intricate part of an automobile. Without it you really don't have a car you have some sort of ill conceived shelter.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I was quite insulted when the first person who commented jumped right to the looks issue. I know that men are visual people, but I have a healthy self image and I know what I look like, and I don't buy that being the reason either.

I suppose I say that because we are wonderful friends, I trust him, love spending time with him, and get along with him better than anyone else I've ever met. He is supportive, loving (not intimate...lol), and I can't picture my life without him. Compared to other relationships I've seen and personally experienced, I'm happy. 

As long as I'm willing to live a celibate life. I've done a lot of thinking over the last two years, and I am not ready to threaten to leave. It would be an idle threat. I can't say that won't be the case in another year but .... I almost feel lame for saying I'd leave my marriage because of sex. I know that sex was made for marriage and this is when we are really supposed to be able to enjoy it, so I shouldn't feel lame, but I do.

Thank you for your response.


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

He is 29.5 and I am 30.

When we dated, he was using steroids and he had a very high sex drive. Ever since he stopped taking them, his drive has been lower. He has considered that maybe this is the issue, but he has not taken any steps to rectifying the situation. I'd like to think that he'd care enough to schedule himself a physical and figure out what's going on. I can't do everything for him.


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

appletree said:


> Sexual problems are always a sign for other problems. It can have a myriad of reasons. Depending on what's the case you might need some counselling. From my experience I suggest to avoid a behavioural psychologist, more someone who works differently. \
> Other than that I can say that you might simply think yourself or with your partner what has changed in your relationship at the time your sex life halted? What has changed outside your relationship? Did a family member die? Rather than trying to get sex I would try to work out these issues. Looks are only one thing, but if you don't feel wanted you let yourself go.
> To begin you could read Schnarch "intimacy and desire".
> You cannot change your partner, you can only change yourself and that might result that your partner will change too, so figure out what did you do for not having sex?


The main thing that happened in the beginning was that my health issues exacerbated and it put a halt on our sex life for a bit. I have a lung disease, and while sick, I get short of breath easily and I became self-conscious about overworking myself during sex. Basically he has told me that I became totally inactive when we would have sex and it turned him off. So for 7 months I kept initiating sex, and he kept rejecting me. Fast forward 2 years, and here we are. He straight up told me that I don't entertain him in bed. So, not realizing that I had gotten that inactive, I started putting in work! He seemed satisfied with that, said that that was obviously not the problem, but not much has changed. 

Other than that there haven't been any other issues, and I honestly can't think of any marital issues other than this that are building tension.


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

Charmed37 said:


> " here's the thing: we have sex so little that I don't even feel sexually comfortable with him."
> 
> xyz-same problem here. I wish I had the fix for this one myself. I been doing some reading but have yet to find and solutions. Maybe others will chime in and offer up some advice on this. I personally don't read to much into "maybe it's your looks" type of advice. I do understand men are visual beings and do take it into consideration but with you it doesn't seem to be the main issue. I'm in better physical shape now than I was when I got married and still deal with not being comfortable because of lack of frequency. Instead of just mentioning what you want, try telling him exactally what you want. I've had some short term success with that but nothing that has lasted more than a couple of weeks.


I'm so glad you understand what I'm saying there! I'm glad you can relate (although I wish neither of us could relate!). If you figure something out, let me know and I will do the same.

I just need him to put some effort into things. Me putting all of the effort in doesn't make me feel more comfortable nor does it make me feel desired.


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## Vanquish (Nov 10, 2011)

I think masturbation is the problem. Why would a man rather masturbate than have sex? Because masturbation is utterly selfish. All you need to worry about is getting yourself off, with no worry or concern about another's needs. 

I'll take you at your word that you are still attractive, but that doesn't matter, because variety is the spice of life. Your husband could possibly get turned on by girls who are less attractive than you, but because they are different, they get him excited. 

I think you both need to avoid porn and masturbation. Do a sex challenge, see if you can have sex every day for a week, kind of like a P90X for sex. Even if you just have a quickie, at least you are being intimate together. 

After that I suspect you will learn to desire each other. Porn and masturbation will always be a temptation, but you need to avoid it like a drug. It feels good, but ultimately can ruin your life.


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## Vanquish (Nov 10, 2011)

I just read the above post. If having sex could cause my wife physical harm, I'd have a very hard time performing. Your health might be a bigger issue than you realize.


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

Sex will not cause physical harm. I had a really bad year in the beginning. Now I run several times a week, workout, have a full-time career, part-time graduate student, and am currently training for a half-marathon.

I am fine to have sex and have shown that multiple times. That year caught me off guard which is why I became self conscious. It's been 3 years since then.

I was really hoping the health issue wasn't the problem. It's a chronic illness and is incurable. It would actually hurt me more if this is the reason because it's the one thing I have no control over.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

xyz000 said:


> Other men are attracted to me.


What is that supposed to mean?


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

A++ said:


> What is that supposed to mean?


It means that other men have told me that I am attractive. I have never had a hard time picking up guys (pre-marriage). 

It's pretty easy to tell when guys find you attractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanquish (Nov 10, 2011)

Is he confident that you are able to have sex without posing a great health risk?


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## Vanquish (Nov 10, 2011)

Also I should ask, do you agree with what I said about masturbation?


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

Vanquish said:


> Is he confident that you are able to have sex without posing a great health risk?


I would think so, and when asked before if it had anything to do with my health, he said no. All I can really do is take his word for
It.

Yes, I agree with the masturbation post. I've often been in the mood but have chosen to masturbate instead of initiating sex simply because it was quicker and easier. If I've done that, I'm sure he has too.

I will suggest this to him and see if we can jump start things from there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanquish (Nov 10, 2011)

I speak from experience. It's just easier to masturbate sometimes. It's a temptation for me. Sometimes my wife isn't in the mood for good sex, so we sort of agree to just have a quickie. 

Another issue is that is is difficult for her to have an orgasm. I think she gets tired from the effort required. 

Sorry, this post is supposed to be about you, not me! 

I'm just throwing out ideas about why it's so much easier to masturbate.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You know, there is another thread in this section where the situation is reversed, gender-wise. Posters are calling the wife abusive and selfish, and recommending he leave or at least threaten to.

And here we have a woman in the same situation and the posts are decidedly muted. Several posts suggested it was because she was not attractive. That has not been mentioned at all in the other thread.

From what you've said, OP, it sounds like a testosterone issue, porn addiction, some kind of infidelity or just selfishness.

You have the right to a satisfying sex life. You need to talk to him and say this continues to be a problem, I'm willing to go to therapy to try and fix it, what are you willing to do? If the answer is basically nothing, start packing up your stuff. He needs a good scare.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe he is gay? Sorry, I had to say this, since we are on page 2 and nobody has mentioned it yet...


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Forget about what you think that's too subjective, we all live in a world of denial about ourselves, that's just human nature.
> 
> Hubby says you look great but he'd rather jerk off than have sex with you so forget his words and look at his actions.
> 
> ...


Oh good lord.

Really you shouldn't be posting such nonsense.

Some men have problems with porn, intimacy or sex for various reasons. Most of them (some are) but almost all of them are not because their wife is not physically attractive.

Your husband is selfish, he needs help too.

If he is watching porn instead of having se with you then he has a problem with porn.

You both need counselling too.

Individually and together.

Please do not continue to stay in a situation with someone who would treat you this way.

Do not be afraid to make your boundaries clear. If I were you it would no more porn. He must attend counselling. He must start focusing on you, and what he likes about you and finds attractive. No more masturbating. If he refuses then move on with your life. I promise you some one else will want you and desire you, just as you are and just as they should.

Lots of men have problems with porn, and then cannot get aroused by RL partners. If that is the problem you are not alone.

Good luck OP.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

[its the way he is using masturbation is utterly selfish]I highly disagree it the way he is using it against his wife that is selfish.

I with one of the other posters and say there is something else going on that non-sexual,you say he gained weight,maybe he is having some self image problems or has he has problems getting hard ? because that plays with your mind and he does not want you to see that so he is doing himself so if he can't get hard only he knows.

If you want to think out of the box,tell him you want to watch him do it so you can see what he likes and it a big turn on for you and you can lay next to him and get yourself off telling him how hot it is,If you are will to go without sex why not give ever thing a try before you make that choice.

Once porn came up here comes little deer[lol].


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Does your husband use the computer a lot? Does he have his log on ID password protected, regularly clean out browser history, has e-mail accounts that you do not know the password to, password protected smart phone and/or is his cell phone glued to his hand? If any or all apply, then I think you need to consider the following as potential root causes to your issues:

1) Porn addiction

2) Emotional Affair

3) Cyber sex/sexting (more intense EA)

4) Addiction to electronics in general (gaming, surfing the net, etc.).

Can you look back during these past 2 years and evaluate his past actions for possible red flags of infidelity?


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

You said he was on steroids and then stopped. You must look at this as the most likely cause. Stop fretting about everything else until this has been checked out. Do not just see a regular doctor and do not accept a " your results were normal" response back. Get the numbers and research them. "normal" may not be normal for him. The weight will also cause problems with the testosterone. 

Does he get morning wood ? Did he before ? 

Gels are expensive. Shots are cheap. The nurse can show you how to do it. With a thin needle for injecting it rarely hurts. 

Drag his ass into the office. INSIST ON IT.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> For the life of me I can't understand how people can feel like their relationship is "wonderful"...except for the sex. To me that is like saying, "I absolutely love my car except for the fact the engine doesn't work". An engine is an intricate part of an automobile. Without it you really don't have a car you have some sort of ill conceived shelter.
> 
> Presumably you entered into your relationship with the expectation you would have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. If either party in the relationship reneges on that agreement, to me, that opens up the relationship to renegotiation. Just like if I reserve a specific rental car and when I arrive to pick it up it's not available. At that point I have the option of accepting the alternative they offer me or choosing to go with a whole different rental agency. How I make out of that deal is going to come down to how assertive I am.


I love this example! Perfect, couldnt have said it better but I'd switch the example around a little. To me marriage is like the body of the car (how things appear on the outside). Love is like the engine and sex would probably be the transmission (I use the transmission as sex because sex can be up and down sometimes in frequency, like switching gears .) When both are working properly, the car runs smoothly. When one or the isnt working then the car will not run at all. You need both in a successful marriage. Now I mentioned the marriage itself is the cars body because thats what people see of a couple, the outside. You can tell when people are unhappy, and children are very aware of this with their parents (idk if you two have kids). You have to keep that car running and you have to keep the body and interior in mint condition.

Anyway, I think masturbation is his problem. He's not mentally able to separate watching porn and then being able to be sexual with you. It's like he places himself in another realm which in turns hurts you two sexually. I would think porn would be an afrodisiac. Then again why dont you find out what kind he is watching. Is it couples or is it just models? The kind he watches too could determine why he's not at interested... That should be a deal breaker right there, he needs to stop completely. I'd love to tell you to back off and see what happens but thats always a gamble. You have to have a lot of willpower to go without long enough to see a change, not to mention what if that makes your SO more comfortable? Its a tough call. Experiment and see what happens. Most changes happen in 90 days.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

needguidance said:


> I love this example! Perfect, couldnt have said it better but I'd switch the example around a little. To me marriage is like the body of the car (how things appear on the outside). Love is like the engine and sex would probably be the transmission (I use the transmission as sex because sex can be up and down sometimes in frequency, like switching gears .) When both are working properly, the car runs smoothly. When one or the isnt working then the car will not run at all. You need both in a successful marriage. Now I mentioned the marriage itself is the cars body because thats what people see of a couple, the outside. You can tell when people are unhappy, and children are very aware of this with their parents (idk if you two have kids). You have to keep that car running and you have to keep the body and interior in mint condition.


This is probably a little better example. 

I believe there are three basic reasons a person is not engaging in sex with their partner:

1.) Physical health issues (ED, illness, fitness etc.)

2.) Mental health issues (poor body image, past trauma, negative view of sex from upbringing etc)

3.) Relationship issues (Resentment, anger, hurt etc.)

In most cases both sides need to work together to arrive at a solution. The longer it's left unresolved the more difficult it becomes to fix. If one side is not willing to co-operate on finding a solution the other person has a difficult decision to make.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Vanquish said:


> I'll take you at your word that you are still attractive, but that doesn't matter, because variety is the spice of life.


Of course it matters! I know so many guys whose wives have packed on the pounds. They're large, they're fat, they're completely out of shape and worse yet they seem completely unaware of that.

The husbands aren't the least bit attracted to them, some cheat, others just completely withdraw from sex with their wives who have become a lot more than they bargained for.


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

I've been reading on this website for a while now, and what you said is absolutely true. If a woman doesn't wanna have sex with her husband, nobody is jumping to the conclusion that he has let himself go and is no longer attractive. Yet,that was the first response to my post.

I appreciate your feedback. Thank you. I have a lot of decision making to do, but I have to know that I've put 100% effort into things before I can pack up and leave or at least threaten to.




Lyris said:


> You know, there is another thread in this section where the situation is reversed, gender-wise. Posters are calling the wife abusive and selfish, and recommending he leave or at least threaten to.
> 
> And here we have a woman in the same situation and the posts are decidedly muted. Several posts suggested it was because she was not attractive. That has not been mentioned at all in the other thread.
> 
> ...


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Of course it matters! I know so many guys whose wives have packed on the pounds. They're large, they're fat, they're completely out of shape and worse yet they seem completely unaware of that.
> 
> The husbands aren't the least bit attracted to them, some cheat, others just completely withdraw from sex with their wives who have become a lot more than they bargained for.



This is true. People let themselves go and that does affect how someone feels sexually towards them. To be honest, I loved when my husband and I were dating and he was going to the gym and had a very nice physique. I loved it. And I think part of the reason why I loved it was because he was putting effort and energy into something.

However, maybe it's because I am a woman and me being attracted to someone isn't primarily based on looks, but even though he has let himself go a bit, I am still attracted to him sexually. He still sexually satisfies me when we do get intimate. He is the same man I dated and married in every other regard. 

These problems were a main motivator in why I started working out in the first place. I was convinced the problem was ME. So for this and health reasons, I started running, doing P90X, and getting in really good shape because I needed to know it had nothing to do with my body or looks. 

I am in the best shape of my life so this is not the case. I was small when we got married, and I'm still small. I just have more muscle tone now because I workout everyday and run several times a week.

I can put on some sexy lingerie and take him into the bedroom and things are on and popping like they used to be. But I have a very busy schedule, and I don't have time every night to dress up and play this game. Sometimes I want him to just initiate with me and do it in some other way than him grabbing my boob. I don't know why he thinks this is a turn-on for me as I've told him it isn't. LOL


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

He doesn't use his laptop very often (although I have found porn on it before...), but he is always on his iPhone. Most of his accounts I have his passwords for because we both use them, but yeah, he could have things I don't know about.

I do know years ago he had a porn addiction. It's something he has told me about but not anything we have ever really discussed. 

EA isn't something I really consider being a possibility,but I am not naive enough to think I know everything about him. 



Plan 9 from OS said:


> Does your husband use the computer a lot? Does he have his log on ID password protected, regularly clean out browser history, has e-mail accounts that you do not know the password to, password protected smart phone and/or is his cell phone glued to his hand? If any or all apply, then I think you need to consider the following as potential root causes to your issues:
> 
> 1) Porn addiction
> 
> ...


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

I agree, and usually I'm horny when he isn't home so I just handle things. It is easier and quicker sometimes, but aren't most things that we shouldn't do?! LOL

Neither one of us is into long drawn out sex sessions. We like to keep it at 10-15 minutes. We have always been that way. Every once in a while we'll have more of a romantic night but not often.

You are right that she probably gets tired from the effort. I pretty much know right off the bat if I'm going to have an orgasm or not, and if I'm not, I let him get his and worry about me next time. 




Vanquish said:


> I speak from experience. It's just easier to masturbate sometimes. It's a temptation for me. Sometimes my wife isn't in the mood for good sex, so we sort of agree to just have a quickie.
> 
> Another issue is that is is difficult for her to have an orgasm. I think she gets tired from the effort required.
> 
> ...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

xyz000 said:


> He doesn't use his laptop very often (although I have found porn on it before...), but he is always on his iPhone. Most of his accounts I have his passwords for because we both use them, but yeah, he could have things I don't know about.
> 
> I do know years ago he had a porn addiction. It's something he has told me about but not anything we have ever really discussed.
> 
> EA isn't something I really consider being a possibility,but I am not naive enough to think I know everything about him.


IMHO, health issues are a non-issue here. I know someone was talking about possible ED issues or low T. If your husband is masturbating fairly regularly, then I'm going to assume that it's not a physical issue.

You need to root around on the computer of his phone to see if there is any evidence of an affair. You stated that you have most of his passwords, but do you have them all? Or did you say this only because you are unsure if he has a secret e-mail account, site memberships, etc. I'd start with the phone because is sounds like it's with him all the time (unless I just made that up).

Remember, if there is another woman, that it's very hard to compete with a fantasy. You'll have to lay out some very strict ground rules - like no contact ever, quit his job if he has to in order to get away from the OW, full 100% transparancy - the whole 9 yards.

I won't be surprised if this thread ends up on CWI. I swear that cheating is the root cause to this mess IMHO - even if the cheating is porn, it's cheating if it takes him away from you and you are neglected as a result.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Sounds like he may have formed a preference for porn and masturbation over partner sex. This is very common in long term marriages and most guys are pretty good at hiding it so don't exclude this out of hand (so to speak)


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

Update:

I was using his laptop a few nights ago, and I ran across a file name that of a person that I didn't recognize. Needless to say I found about 7 photos of women, whom we do not actually know, from 2009/2010. I confronted him, and he admitted to having an online affair in 2009/2010. Of course he was shocked I found the pics because he thought he had gotten rid of all of the leftover evidence. 

This gave us an opportunity to really have a serious conversation about our marriage. I was also able to confess to exchanging some sexual text messages with an ex at the end of last year.

Neither of us can make any promises, but we do know that if we do not get our sexual life/intimate life together, this will happen again and if it does, neither of us is forgiving it. 

Here's to 2013 being a better year for all of us this forum.


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## Darkflower (Dec 2, 2011)

Wow. Well, at the very least, knowing where to start is a good thing.

Good luck to both of you in the coming year!


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

I had a similar problem which came to light of late.

I was a shell-shocked wife (at the time) and my WS had a long-term affair going back 3 years ago. I have found numerous incriminating sexual emails as well as nude photos of himself and other multiple women. I hadn't seen his sex texts which are known to exist. I actually spoke to his OW, who was blatantly honest about the facts.

Anyway, I nearly decided to divorce him. But we do have positives in our life and we are trying to stay together. But I digress.

It's so interesting to read your thread as mine did have photos of some "attractive" females which were kept online. I believe this is purely a male thing. They tend to grow up drooling over pin-up girls/calendar girls and what have you (hope this won't offend..just my personal take on this as I lived through pains and upsets myself trying to "explain" why he did this.)

I also think it's partly genetic / effects of male hormone. Married men still "fancy" attractive women. Men do still fancy different types of women. Mine kept quite a few photos of these women, dark, fuller figure, white, orientals etc etc. 

As for marital sex, I should say that it is a warning sign when a man (a husband) keeps photos of other women and he is lusting after them and possibly mas**** over them behind your back. Whilst he does this, his sexual energy towards you is being robbed. No wonder why marital bed is suffering.


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

Yeah, I wasn't mad about the porn I had found on the laptop months and months ago, but to see pics of "real" women was very hurtful. But as you said, he had pics of women of different body types, ethnicity, and such. 

As the same in your situation, we have so much good that we both feel it is worth seriously working on our issues in order to save the marriage. Obviously there were some unresolved issues outside of the sex issue so this allowed us to have a very open and honest conversation about everything.

I wasn't glad to find those pics, and I can still picture the images, BUT I feel so relieved to have all of that out on the table and to know that if we aren't proactive about our problems, the marriage will in fact be over. 

It's nice to be able to say that out loud to put things into perspective. And unfortunately, it took this to get here!

Good luck to you and your marriage. I hope you have great success in rebuilding. 




Omegaa said:


> I had a similar problem which came to light of late.
> 
> I was a shell-shocked wife (at the time) and my WS had a long-term affair going back 3 years ago. I have found numerous incriminating sexual emails as well as nude photos of himself and other multiple women. I hadn't seen his sex texts which are known to exist. I actually spoke to his OW, who was blatantly honest about the facts.
> 
> ...


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

xyz000 said:


> Yeah, I wasn't mad about the porn I had found on the laptop months and months ago, but to see pics of "real" women was very hurtful.
> 
> As the same in your situation, we have so much good that we both feel it is worth seriously working on our issues in order to save the marriage. Obviously there were some unresolved issues outside of the sex issue so this allowed us to have a very open and honest conversation about everything.
> 
> Good luck to you and your marriage. I hope you have great success in rebuilding.


Hi 

Obviously, you are a highly intelligent and articulate lady.

Thank you for your kind words. Same to you.

All the best,


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## Malcom888 (Dec 24, 2012)

Maybe it's best if you will seek professional help because it could be more than just losing interest with your partner. There could be other factors involved in the current sexual problems that you have with your husband. If you want to work things out, you have to sit down and discuss things with a professional.


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