# wife on dating/cheating site



## EleGirl

This is question for the men here on TAM. 

How would you react if you found out that your wife had an active account on a dating and/or cheating site? How would you react if she said that she had no intent to cheat but was just there for entertainment?


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## anchorwatch

*Seriously?*


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Well, as much as we may think we know how we'd react, I think that's one of those thing you really can't know until it actually hits you. 

What I can say for sure is that my first reaction would be total, utter shock. This is so far outside the realm of possible reality in my marriage, it's completely incomprehensible.

That said, I'm guessing you're driving at how we'd react in terms of addressing the situation. I'd think my first requirement would be to get an exact fix on what has/hasn't happened. If actual contact was made, I think it'd be over right then and there. If it was just a fantasy dalliance, I'd be motivated to find what drove the desire to do such a thing and then would decide next reaction/action based on that.


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## GusPolinski

I’d start talking with divorce attorneys.

But just for entertainment.


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## 482

Either I was with an attention wh0re or a cheater. Either way I’m gone.


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## Rick Blaine

I'd be Cool Hand Luke and get my spying game on...


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## uhtred

I'd mostly be curious what she was looking for since she has so little interest in sex normally. Solving that mystery would mean a lot to me. 

If she told me she was just getting off on the fantasy of hooking up, I'd be OK with that if I believed it. Again having a view into her psychology would be interesting. 

If It thought she were actually meeting men or women for sex, I would want to come to some agreement on fair guidelines for both of us.


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## sokillme

I would not say anything. I would get all my ducks in a row and serve her at work on Monday. Be out by Friday.

Why do you ask?


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## EleGirl

So here's why I asked the question.

A woman posted the below in the OP on her thread.



> when I caught him on dating web sites. He says it was just entertainment but it really crushed me.


And this was one of the very few replies she got. I was a bit miffed by it and wondered how accepting others would respond if their spouse did the same thing.



> Didn’t he deny that he was meeting women that the dating sight was just entertainment? I ask this as I often look at dating sites rather than hard core porn. It is fun for me and probably for him. I have been married to same woman for 30 years. Never cheated....maybe this guy hasn’t either


*There's the link to the thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/400026-confused.html*


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## marriageontherocks2

I would be really hurt, but my wife has cheated before so that factors into it, anything like this would immediately destroy any trust built since the affair.

If I was with someone else and there was no history of infidelity, I may give the benefit of the doubt that she was just curious or playing around on the site. But due to my current marital situation I would end the marriage over it.


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## JayDee7

I would react by getting very angry at her, yell at her, curse at her, call my lawyer call my real estate agent.
I would probably divorce her even if I cannot price she had cheated. Just the thought that she played with the idea of it is enough to get rid of her, it disgusts me so much.
If I had to, I?d sell the houses, split the equity and move on with my life. I?d be fine, she?d suffer.


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## Volunteer86

Like someone mentioned earlier I would be curious to who she would find attractive etc. It could be fun as long as she was honest and open communication.


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## Taxman

Thank god it has never happened in my marriage, however, I did get the scoop on something like this out of one of my business partners. He is one of our regulars, owns a business, but knows that part of our practice deals with divorce. He started talking about it to our managing partner, and quickly broke down into tears. He did not know what it meant, and he was afraid to confront. We advised him not to confront at this time, and to drop into detective mode. We even suggested a PI. We furnished him with several names with references. It took the PI no more than a few days, she was indeed scoping out anonymous sex. A full report with pictures was supplied. We went through his file, and discovered his dad wanted pre-nups out of all of his sons, seeing as how he built the business from nothing when he came over from Italy. So the pre-nup states that she leaves with 50% of any house they purchased together, and no profits from the business. He had bought the house long before he met her. He was employed full time in his business, and therefore, nothing would come from that. He confronted, and her world came to a crashing halt. After one half hour with her attorney, she discovered that she would leave the marriage with the clothing on her back. She begged. She pleaded. She said that she was broken, that she was mentally ill, that she would swear on a stack of bibles that she would never again cheat. He asked opinions, he really loved her, but my partner, being the straightforward and no-nonsense woman that she is, basically put it down to one thing: Can you live with the images of a complete stranger sticking his penis into your wife? No? Then divorce.

The divorce was finalized just after busy season last year. She attempted to break the pre-nup but was completely unsuccessful. His rancor toward her did get fairly bad, and her family and friends discovered her little personality defect. Quite the embarrassment for someone who tried to portray themselves as sweet and innocent. He got justice. She discovered that life is not so easy when all that you had when you were married is suddenly taken away, due mostly to your own despicable stupidity.


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## SunCMars

I would forgive this trespass.

Unless....
Unless she were an Administrator on TAM.

I then would be obligated to dismantle her Empire.
Especially, my easy chair.
.................................................................................................

As I see it...
In days, afore backward, the Martian would have protected her, he would.
He is tenacious. He never lets go of anything, anybody.
But, he is gone.

Leaving the Typist. And he is an emotional wreck, a sunken 'Mary Deare'.
What I know of that man, is what one should outright, outrigger......fear.


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## Yeswecan

EleGirl said:


> This is question for the men here on TAM.
> 
> How would you react if you found out that your wife had an active account on a dating and/or cheating site? How would you react if she said that she had no intent to cheat but was just there for entertainment?


I would react with every intention of divorce.


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## Thor

I would assume she was cheating. I am currently dating with no intention of marrying again, but I expect boundaries would be discussed prior to marriage to include no online flirting, sexting, or dating sites. We have discussed the boundary of deactivating and staying off of dating websites.

Going by your description of it being for entertainment, I just can't understand it being for entertainment. Before I became exclusive with the woman I am with now, I did peruse profiles to learn, but it was not at all like watching tv or surfing the web as entertainment. Looking over a friend's shoulder and laughing at a few profiles is understandable, but signing up for an account (even if free) to look at profiles for entertainment is weird.

After getting my ducks in a row I would most likely just file for divorce. However, depending on the person, I might give them one chance to explain. There are possible innocent reasons to briefly look at a dating site, but I would be highly skeptical. Then I'd have them served.


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## TX-SC

I'd have some serious issues with it. There are lots of entertaining things to do both online and in real life that don't include dating websites. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## knightRider

Divorce - if you're partner is on such sites then it's time to move on, there's no half-way house here..


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## ConanHub

EleGirl said:


> This is question for the men here on TAM.
> 
> How would you react if you found out that your wife had an active account on a dating and/or cheating site? How would you react if she said that she had no intent to cheat but was just there for entertainment?


Personally, I am pretty hardcore and thick skinned as well as confident.

The thing that would really bother me was the secrecy. If she wanted to do or try anything or was just curious and wanted to talk about fantasies, she should have been open with me and had me be her partner she made vows with.

I wouldn't go for swinging or even tempting fate by playing with a site but she should have talked to me about it before even considering doing anything.

I would have a hard time not divorcing and she would have her work cut out for her trying to convince me to give her another chance.

I think either gender doing this is very stupid and self destructive.


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## ConanHub

GusPolinski said:


> I’d start talking with divorce attorneys.
> 
> But just for entertainment.


Ninja!!!>


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## oldshirt

Having an active account as a female is the key point. That took effort and forethought.

A female on any dating or sex site is going to get multiple dozens if not even hundreds of messages and offers a day. 

To come back to that site the next day means she is either on the market or is an attention ***** that needs constant ego strokes and validation from other men; and even, with 100 offers a day coming in, eventually she'd get an offer she wouldn't refuse. 

HGTV and Lifetime Network are dedicated to providing entertainment to women. 

A woman would only maintain an active account on a dating/sex site to be approached and propositioned by other men.


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## Thor

oldshirt said:


> A woman would only maintain an active account on a dating/sex site to be approached and propositioned by other men.


I'd say that is 99.99% correct. I can think of a reason or two otherwise, but those would be very rare. For example, she has a single friend who is on a dating site and wanted someone to check something out for her, like see if her current partner was still on there. Or, a single friend talked about some crazy profiles and the wife got curious so she looked. But those situations would be short term. There would be evidence on the profile and activity to show it was not a real dating profile but rather was used very briefly.

In a long term marriage of decades, I would entertain the possibility there was such an innocent explanation, but with the knowledge it is extremely unlikely. Now that I'm divorced, in any future relationship I would move right to dissolution.


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## oldshirt

Thor said:


> I'd say that is 99.99% correct. I can think of a reason or two otherwise, but those would be very rare. For example, she has a single friend who is on a dating site and wanted someone to check something out for her, like see if her current partner was still on there. Or, a single friend talked about some crazy profiles and the wife got curious so she looked. But those situations would be short term. There would be evidence on the profile and activity to show it was not a real dating profile but rather was used very briefly.
> 
> In a long term marriage of decades, I would entertain the possibility there was such an innocent explanation, but with the knowledge it is extremely unlikely. Now that I'm divorced, in any future relationship I would move right to dissolution.


"I was on a sex site/at the bar/at the club/on a single's cruise/ at the speed dating venue etc for a single friend..." Has been used by married women to explain their presence on dating sites and meat-market clubs since caveman days. I'm not buying it.

When married women are doing all the legwork and are at all the single venues "for a single friend", it is just a smoke screen for their own searching.


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## EleGirl

@David51 

Have you read this thread?


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## alexm

oldshirt said:


> To come back to that site the next day means she is either on the market or is an attention ***** that needs constant ego strokes and validation from other men; and even, with 100 offers a day coming in, eventually she'd get an offer she wouldn't refuse.


Yeah, this.

It doesn't matter if it's online, or IRL - it's still the same goal: attention. Doing it online is just easier, I guess.

My ex wife went through something like this when she lost some weight and got fit. Before then, she was your average girl next door type. Still beautiful, but without trying. She lost some weight naturally, due to a job change, and people noticed. So she played the part, dressed better, started with the makeup and hair. Turned into a stereotypical attention *****.

The ego boosts were all well and good (beneficial for me, too) until enticing offers started coming in. The rest is history.

Online - same thing as in IRL, IMO. Starts out "innocent" and snowballs.


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## NoChoice

I see an enormous difference between perusing sites for "entertainment" and joining one. The former I could discuss the latter I could not.


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## DaveinOC

I would be bothered if she had an account, but I would not immediately conclude that she's looking to mess around. I would be more interested in learning about her activities on it: whether she's on it daily, exchanging either friendly, shady messages with people, soliciting interest, spend lotta time on her profile making, etc.. If she just has an account with not much activity, I would also consider possibilities like:

1) She had a talk with some of her friends who are looking and got curious to see what it's all about
2) She wants to check out other girls for narcissistic reason for self reassurance
3) She wants to look through people's pages the same way she looks through product catalog from a store that she never buys from, simply out of boredom
4) No reason, just cuz

Before anyone says above screams naivete, people understand their partner better than anyone. not everyone acts/reacts with same motives. I am not denying the possibility of her genuinely looking to hook up, but that assessment really depends on the person's character in my opinion.


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## Windwalker

GusPolinski said:


> I’d start talking with divorce attorneys.
> 
> But just for entertainment.


This x1000


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## Slartibartfast

I don't think it has to be a major deal. What matters is how she responds to being discovered. People do look at these sites for any number of reasons. Granted, none of them are exactly positive. But they are, for while somewhat entertaining. Some look to see how they stack up against other people. Nothing to do with a desire to date someone else, just liking to know that they're still within the bounds of people people want to date. Might even be more, when there's a need for even more validation, which might come from the number of responses. 

All of these are possible, but when you look back to the linked original, she found him at it multiple times. You would expect any otherwise decent person to react to this being discovered by deleting the account, showing remorse and never doing it again, showing that it wasn't for a bad purpose, it wasn't supposed to hurt the partner, and it did, so they won't risk doing it again. 

Number one, she's not really going to know if he ever followed through with any reality from a cheating site. Too many people here pretend to be omniscient, but they're just guessing from their own prejudice or desire to make it more dramatic. There's so much else going on there that I don't know that it matters much. Whether he cheated or not or whether his wife considers even visiting these sites is fatal, he pretty clearly doesn't much value the relationship. 

As always, the more worthy of being in a relationship you become, the more you can recognize when someone else isn't.


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## ABHAY7681

EleGirl said:


> This is question for the men here on TAM.
> 
> How would you react if you found out that your wife had an active account on a dating and/or cheating site? How would you react if she said that she had no intent to cheat but was just there for entertainment?


Its pretty simple, let her live the way she wants.. As all you want is her happiness


Sent from my vivo V3 using Tapatalk


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## Wolf1974

Funny I just met a couple where the guy was on tinder and multiple dating apps. He enjoyed meeting and messing with women and then ghosting them. His wife not only knew about it but condoned it. To her this prevented him from physically cheating, I have no doubt he was doing that as well. I mean Just can’t make this stuff up 😳


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## TheDudeLebowski

EleGirl said:


> This is question for the men here on TAM.
> 
> How would you react if you found out that your wife had an active account on a dating and/or cheating site? How would you react if she said that she had no intent to cheat but was just there for entertainment?


Very strongly depends on how verifiable her story is and if I could be certain without a shadow of a doubt that she indeed was just there for entertainment. 

My initial response would be that of anger I imagine. Lots of shouting and demanding to know the full extent of every single thing about this account and every interaction with anyone on the site. A timeline of when it started, who contacted who first, dates and times of the interactions, as well as verifiable proof that no irl meetings took place. A long open and honest talk about what she was looking for and what it was giving her that she felt like she was missing in our marriage. 

I wouldn't immediately go to the divorce attorney. I would allow for the chance to explain and tell me everything. If she truly did it for entertainment purposes, I could get past that. I might even allow it if I was comfortable with her responses and trusting in her intentions and the reasons she finds entertainment in the sites. 

I flirt with girls myself. I really dont care if she flirts with guys. Nothing crazy on our parts, but the normal harmless flirtatious comments sprinkled in conversation with members of the opposite sex doesn't bother me at all. 

I guess it really depends on a lot of factors how things would end up, but my initial thought would be she is trying to cheat. So anger and hurt would probably be my first reaction.


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## Faithful Wife

Wolf1974 said:


> Funny I just met a couple where the guy was on tinder and multiple dating apps. He enjoyed meeting and messing with women and then ghosting them. His wife not only knew about it but condoned it. To her this prevented him from physically cheating, I have no doubt he was doing that as well. I mean Just can’t make this stuff up ?


Weird. I would think the wife might have something on the side too. That's why she's so laid back about her husband doing this.

Unless there was more to it that the couple didn't tell you. Like that they are an open couple or swingers.


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## sokillme

EleGirl said:


> This is question for the men here on TAM.
> 
> How would you react if you found out that your wife had an active account on a dating and/or cheating site? How would you react if she said that she had no intent to cheat but was just there for entertainment?


Yeah, no.


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## Wolf1974

Faithful Wife said:


> Weird. I would think the wife might have something on the side too. That's why she's so laid back about her husband doing this.
> 
> Unless there was more to it that the couple didn't tell you. Like that they are an open couple or swingers.


My sense was this was something she felt she had to do to keep him. She didn’t. She was very attractive and not proud to disclose what he was doing or that she knew all about it. Was one of those times your looking at a situation and wondering how she got herself talked into this normal.


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## messenger

Men women seek deliverance to save your marriage yourselves from hell and to enjoy your marriages


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## messenger

SEEK THE COUNSEL OF GOD NOT MEN. most peoples answer are driven from anger, with anger comes so much damage, seek the right counsel, there are demons and evil spirits that operate behind all this struggles but since everyone wants logic, you'll never seek and find the truth...May JESUS CHRIST SHOW US THE TRUTH, GOD BLESS


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## FalCod

EleGirl said:


> This is question for the men here on TAM.
> 
> How would you react if you found out that your wife had an active account on a dating and/or cheating site? How would you react if she said that she had no intent to cheat but was just there for entertainment?


I would be hurt and confused. That would be very out of character for my wife. I'd talk to her to get a better understanding of why she was doing it and then go from there. Of course, I would require it to stop 100%.


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## arbitrator

EleGirl said:


> This is question for the men here on TAM.
> 
> How would you react if you found out that your wife had an active account on a dating and/or cheating site? How would you react if she said that she had no intent to cheat but was just there for entertainment?


*Provided that she believed in transparency as much as I do, she would definitely have some explaining to do! 

But even given that, I’m not all that sure that any explanation of hers would ever be viable enough to save the relationship, because of the thought process and nagging doubts about the fact that she was actually on the website for much more than just her entertainment and her health! 

The rationale being that “is this the kind of activity that a normal, loyal wife would ever offer to engage in!”*


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## samyeagar

EleGirl said:


> So here's why I asked the question.
> 
> A woman posted the below in the OP on her thread.
> 
> 
> 
> And this was one of the very few replies she got. I was a bit miffed by it and wondered how accepting others would respond if their spouse did the same thing.
> 
> 
> 
> *There's the link to the thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/400026-confused.html*



I think that thread would have gotten a whole lot more notice if it wasn't buried in the Reconciliation forum, and was in Coping with Infidelity or one of the more high profile sub-forums. I suspect the responses would be pretty much in line with this thread with regards to the online dating profile part of the OP with the odd outlier response that we usually see on these types of threads. Especially had the OP there presented it as you did here.

Honestly, I am not sure why that one poster keyed in on the online dating part because while that was the start of the issues the OP presented, it was a pretty minor part in the full context of what she was actually asking for help with. The OP and her husband's issues had moved way past that.


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## VermiciousKnid

I'd pretty much figure that was the beginning of the end and I'd have a heart to heart with her. I'm not a weepy emotional break down kind of guy. If she's done with the marriage and wants out, don't cheat, just tell me. I would give her the same respect.


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## Todd Haberdasher

A lot of overreacting in this thread. As long as you don't get a disease and it doesn't interfere with her domestic duties, what is the big deal? Is it so vital to your manhood that you control the aspects of your wife's life that don't impact you?


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## Volunteer86

Todd Haberdasher said:


> A lot of overreacting in this thread. As long as you don't get a disease and it doesn't interfere with her domestic duties, what is the big deal? Is it so vital to your manhood that you control the aspects of your wife's life that don't impact you?


 Well said!


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## TheDudeLebowski

messenger said:


> SEEK THE COUNSEL OF GOD NOT MEN. most peoples answer are driven from anger, with anger comes so much damage, seek the right counsel, there are demons and evil spirits that operate behind all this struggles but since everyone wants logic, you'll never seek and find the truth...May JESUS CHRIST SHOW US THE TRUTH, GOD BLESS


You do understand that posts like this turn people away from religion right?


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## Wrongpath

What we did last year to spice things up a bit was to try swinging websites together though and we got all the ground rules in place and was exited to do it in real life. After I agreed we tried a couple of times and with myself the actual thinking about it turned me on more than the physical so it kind of had a good 3 months 2017 having fantastic steamy sex together instead of the standard sex. alas to say we are now going through a separation, not because of this but through something else and now I feel like I have paved the way for another man in her life who also can live the dream.


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## toblerone

TheDudeLebowski said:


> You do understand that posts like this turn people away from religion right?


you spilled the beans

hope you're happy with yourself.


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## sokillme

Todd Haberdasher said:


> A lot of overreacting in this thread. As long as you don't get a disease and it doesn't interfere with her domestic duties, what is the big deal? Is it so vital to your manhood that you control the aspects of your wife's life that don't impact you?


I require fidelity for marriage. That includes my wife advertising herself. Frankly I feel it's disrespectful to me and to the marriage. That was the deal we made, I hold people to their word as I hold myself. She told me she feels the same way by taking vows. Besides that my wife and I are friends, friends don't back out of agreements with at least talking about it. It has nothing to do with manhood, interesting that you think it does though. 

If you want to have an open marriage so be it I don't care. I hope the everyone who thinks like you has the courage to say it before they get into any relationships. God know most of the people who think like you don't, they just lie and say they think like me and then cheat. Which incidentally is probably is part of the sigma to begin with. It's not like you guys have the best track record, most of us monogamous folks learn about your polygamous nature after you have already lied and manipulated us in to relationships with you. However I DO agree that it's much better to remove the stigma. (That is NOT what your post is doing by the way.) I think we will find that you folks are a small minority. 

Personally I don't really see the point of marriage without fidelity. Why do I need a ring or commitment if I want to continue to see other people. That to me seems kind of like the ring is just a crutch. Like a fall back, default relationship and not worth the effort. However it's curious and telling that my requirements make you so insecure that your response is shame me attack my perception of my manhood.

It's OK you don't understand monogamous thinking, but just because you don't understand it doesn't mean you have to assign some sort of wickedness to it. Generally monogamous people want their spouses to covet them it has nothing to do with being controlling. If my wife felt like you that it was no problem for me to go and be with whomever I want, I would divorce her. I want her to cherish my sexuality as only hers. I am pretty sure she sees it the same way. You need to open you mind a little bit and not see it only from your own perspective.


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## sokillme

So thinking about this more the best you can say about this is it has the potential to be a slippery slope. I think we all know that marriage is a delicate institution. 50% of marriage end in divorce. Because of that both spouses should be looking to do stuff that reinforces the bond, not having the potential to weaken it. This kind of thing is a very selfish act in most cases. Being this self focused is usually not good for your marriage.

Besides all that how ethical is it to be posting on dating sites for ego kibbles when the people who you are lying to think you are being upfront and straight with them. Would any of us be cool if she was making entire people (picture and all) up an doing this just to **** with people? What is the difference really?

And @EleGirl gender has nothing to do with this, this is a moral and ethical question in my mind.


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## EleGirl

sokillme said:


> So thinking about this more the best you can say about this is it has the potential to be a slippery slope. I think we all know that marriage is a delicate institution. 50% of marriage end in divorce. Because of that both spouses should be looking to do stuff that reinforces the bond, not having the potential to weaken it. This kind of thing is a very selfish act in most cases. Being this self focused is usually not good for your marriage.
> 
> Besides all that how ethical is it to be posting on dating sites for ego kibbles when the people who you are lying to think you are being upfront and straight with them. Would any of us be cool if she was making entire people (picture and all) up an doing this just to **** with people? What is the difference really?
> 
> And @EleGirl gender has nothing to do with this, this is a moral and ethical question in my mind.


I agree that gender has nothing to do with it. However, this thread was started because a man posted that it was ok for married men to be on dating/cheating sites. He stated that he, himself, is married and frequents those sites and he thinks it's ok. So wanted to turn this around for him and see what he and other men though about it.

Of course that user ignored this thread. Not surprised.


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## naiveonedave

EleGirl said:


> I agree that gender has nothing to do with it. However, this thread was started because a man posted that it was ok for married men to be on dating/cheating sites. He stated that he, himself, is married and frequents those sites and he thinks it's ok. So wanted to turn this around for him and see what he and other men though about it.
> 
> Of course that user ignored this thread. Not surprised.


not to be jerk, but didn't you expect him to ignore the thread and #mostmen agree with you that this is a gender neutral issue?

I don't read many of the BW threads, so maybe I am missing something, but I feel like the advice is similar enough for either gender.


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## Chuck71

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

I won't quote the above post so clean-up from mods will be easier.

I swear I thought it was a teeth whitening ad.

I had a vision (and a fifth of JD) of Dr. Doody Pants. He say if place Cheerio in buttio

and pootio it out, it will turn into a silver dollar. Well... I'll be eating Mexican for three years

straight but by 2021, I will have that private island in the Bahamas.....


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## Mr The Other

EleGirl said:


> So here's why I asked the question.
> 
> A woman posted the below in the OP on her thread.
> 
> 
> 
> And this was one of the very few replies she got. I was a bit miffed by it and wondered how accepting others would respond if their spouse did the same thing.
> 
> 
> 
> *There's the link to the thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/400026-confused.html*


I acutally know a couple where the woman is on a dating site, this being Denmark, her friends are telling her this is poor behaviour. Which it is. (I politely said so on the original thread).

The thing is, the scenario he describes is possible. It is still a lack of commitment, and emotional separation if that is the case. 

I certainly do not think it is necessarily a case of double standards for men and women. It is not quite a smoking gun, it is more like a body with bullet wounds, and someone holding the gun saying "He has been shot, I just found this gun nearby".


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## growing_weary

Welp it’s how my stbx started his emotional affairs so...


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## ReformedHubby

The good old "entertainment" excuse. There have been plenty of posts on here over the years from women whose husbands were trolling Craigslist for escorts, or going to escort websites, or even texting sex workers. All in the name of "entertainment", or just to see or get pics. Its BS, someone who is doing that has already stepped out...multiple times. To even consider that someone would do that for entertainment is absurd. Plenty of free sex stuff and naughty pics online for free. No need to talk to escorts, or do online dating if thats all you want.


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## Windwalker

Todd Haberdasher said:


> A lot of overreacting in this thread. As long as you don't get a disease and it doesn't interfere with her domestic duties, what is the big deal? Is it so vital to your manhood that you control the aspects of your wife's life that don't impact you?


Lol.
To tell the truth, exactly what is she doing that makes her "domestic duties" so in demand that I let her **** around?

Other than sex, (which isn't a domestic duty, it's something we do together, and even that I can do for myself to an extent) there's not a single damn thing that she does that I can't, and have been doing for myself for most all of my life.

She makes an income? Check, so do I. Well over 6 figures. 
Clean? Check. I can, will and have done that. 
Organize? Check. I can, will and have done that. 
I can go on and on and on. 

So, what's your point again?

BTW, it's not about control. It's about someone using ME as a commodity. Ain't happening, as I value myself more than that.


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## committed_guy

EleGirl said:


> This is question for the men here on TAM. How would you react if you found out that your wife had an active account on a dating and/or cheating site? How would you react if she said that she had no intent to cheat but was just there for entertainment?


I'd post an ad myself asking if they like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain and not into yoga.


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## manfromlamancha

In my case I would say it is not gender neutral but not in the way everyone thinks. If my wife was on it, there would be a better chance that she was just using it for the entertainment value and more than likely my daughters would kind of be involved too - all having a great laugh at the expense of some poor schmuck. I tend to think that if a man was on it, I would suspect foul play. But that's just my situation.

Generally, I would view it with suspicion and would treat it as foul play - if - I had to discover it and she didn't tell me about it in the first place.


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## Diana7

EleGirl said:


> I agree that gender has nothing to do with it. However, this thread was started because a man posted that it was ok for married men to be on dating/cheating sites. He stated that he, himself, is married and frequents those sites and he thinks it's ok. So wanted to turn this around for him and see what he and other men though about it.
> 
> Of course that user ignored this thread. Not surprised.


A married person has no reason to be on sites like that, no excuse.


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## MikeinTexas

oldshirt said:


> Having an active account as a female is the key point. That took effort and forethought.
> 
> A female on any dating or sex site is going to get multiple dozens if not even hundreds of messages and offers a day.
> 
> To come back to that site the next day means she is either on the market or is an attention ***** that needs constant ego strokes and validation from other men; and even, with 100 offers a day coming in, eventually she'd get an offer she wouldn't refuse.
> 
> HGTV and Lifetime Network are dedicated to providing entertainment to women.
> 
> A woman would only maintain an active account on a dating/sex site to be approached and propositioned by other men.


Oldshirt nailed it. And I lived this.
It was a LTR of nearly 3 years so we were exclusive and committed. The specifics to my story is a long one and if you need to know, you can look at my posts history.

I had Proof she had multiple dating sites and was looking at other profiles and messages from other men. My investigation proved no messages sent back from her. But she was actively on there every couple of days....for several weeks that I was only aware of. 
After the trickle truth, she admitted she did it for the ATTENTION because I wasn't giving her enough. And also an exit strategy in case we breakup. 

The attention seeking hurt for sure. But what made me end it was the following:

1. DECEPTION- hid behind my back for months & was actively checking her messages, likes, & winks from other men.

2. Damaged my TRUST- well, duh. I had trusted her 100%.

3. LIED- trickle truthed me until realizing how much I knew.

4. Lack of RESPECT- friends and family could have seen her on there; excused her behavior because of my lack of attention. In other words, redirected blame. Not enough attention, we weren't in a committed marriage yet, so no harm no foul.

It took her almost 2 weeks to finally take ownership, but that was waaaay too late in my book. 

Hell, I could include lack of honesty and transparency but I figure it's all the same.

THOSE 4 WERE MORE DAMAGING than the attention seeking behavior(which is still a giant RED flag).

Suddenly,it shattered my sense of truth for our relationship.

Weeks after our breakup, I learned she still thinks she did nothing wrong because ,"she never responded back to the men who were asking her out". And that we weren't married yet (even though we were discussing marriage right during the time she was doing this, and been EXCLUSIVE for almost 3 yrs.) so the timing of this was ok to her. Crazy self-justification!

Her reasoning was like: "they can flirt with me, but if I don't flirt back, it's ok." But she was wrong. Because having her profile active indicating she was single, with sexy photos and what she is looking for in a mate, is even more than flirting. And she actively read the messages the countless men sent her.

An ideal relationship is built on trust, openness and mutual respect. She scored an "F" on these 3 important relationship requirements in the end. Anyone with any self-respect or dignity should think this is NOT OK.


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## Talker67

as far as the OP's question...is it possible to be on a cheating/dating site just for the fantasy? well...of course it is. When a woman is in the check out line at the supermarket, and she sees one of those trashy romance novels, buys it, takes it home, and reads it as vicarious fun....does that make her a cheater for sure??? Of course not too.

The obvious danger is...if someone is on a cheating website, and they get PMs from others...the temptation to cheat is pretty high. So one is playing with fire to be on there in the first place. but it is not a guarantee that the person is cheating.


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## Diana7

Talker67 said:


> as far as the OP's question...is it possible to be on a cheating/dating site just for the fantasy? well...of course it is. When a woman is in the check out line at the supermarket, and she sees one of those trashy romance novels, buys it, takes it home, and reads it as vicarious fun....does that make her a cheater for sure??? Of course not too.
> 
> The obvious danger is...if someone is on a cheating website, and they get PMs from others...the temptation to cheat is pretty high. So one is playing with fire to be on there in the first place. but it is not a guarantee that the person is cheating.


A married person has no business being in a dating site. As you say she is playing with fire.


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## EleGirl

Talker67 said:


> *as far as the OP's question...is it possible to be on a cheating/dating site just for the fantasy? * well...of course it is. When a woman is in the check out line at the supermarket, and she sees one of those trashy romance novels, buys it, takes it home, and reads it as vicarious fun....does that make her a cheater for sure??? Of course not too.
> 
> The obvious danger is...if someone is on a cheating website, and they get PMs from others...the temptation to cheat is pretty high. So one is playing with fire to be on there in the first place. but it is not a guarantee that the person is cheating.


I find it interesting that you made up a question and attributed it to me.... I did not ask "...is it possible to be on a cheating/dating site just for the fantasy".

Here is what I actually did ask in the OP....................



EleGirl said:


> This is question for the men here on TAM.
> 
> How would you react if you found out that your wife had an active account on a dating and/or cheating site? How would you react if she said that she had no intent to cheat but was just there for entertainment?


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## personofinterest

So I couldn't figure out multiquoting



> Re: wife on dating/cheating site
> So here's why I asked the question.
> 
> A woman posted the below in the OP on her thread.
> 
> Quote:
> when I caught him on dating web sites. He says it was just entertainment but it really crushed me.
> And this was one of the very few replies she got. I was a bit miffed by it and wondered how accepting others would respond if their spouse did the same thing.
> 
> Quote:
> Didn’t he deny that he was meeting women that the dating sight was just entertainment? I ask this as I often look at dating sites rather than hard core porn. It is fun for me and probably for him. I have been married to same woman for 30 years. Never cheated....maybe this guy hasn’t either
> There's the link to the thread: Confused


Yeah.....no

This would have more than miffed me. It's my forum pet peeve.

If someone is looking on dating sites, they are playing with fire.


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## Talker67

EleGirl said:


> This is question for the men here on TAM.
> 
> How would you react if you found out that your wife had an active account on a dating and/or cheating site? * How would you react if she said that she had no intent to cheat but was just there for entertainment? *


am i not reading your original post correctly? It looks like you asked EXACTLY what i replied to


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## personofinterest

Ele I understand what you are asking. You saw a thread where a woman was understandably in distress because he hubby is trolling dating sites, and a male poster basically said "no biggie." You are wondering if men who might give her hubby a slap on the back and chuckle would feel the same if the troller was a woman. Based on my own forum experience, it is a valid question. The rules are, at times, different for women. It is the same underlying reason, at times around the entirety of the internet, a BH thread will have 10 pages in 2 days, while a month old BW thread may only have 2 pages.

It's not an indictment of anything. It is just a fact.


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