# Financial Talks aren’t happening in New Marriage.



## Itsmisslizz01 (5 mo ago)

Situation- 1 year married with 10 month old and MIL lives with us.

My husband and I can’t talk about money with out an argument ensuing, where I feel like I always end up just saying forget it I’ll take care of it. My husband and I have a joint account in which where we are supposed to deposit 40% of our income to pay for home and family expenses. We aren’t supposed to use that account on ourselves. I manage the account and do all the expenses such as groceries, bills, etc. Because his mom lives with us, he is to add 10% more to accommodate her expenses into the account when they arise. I usually end up spending my own money on home family things due to it not being enough, when it comes to our son. However, I feel like my husband doesn’t think about those things. He just deposits a certain amount and if it’s enough or not it’s not his problem. He doesn’t check on the budget. He doesn’t ask me anything. So what happens is I end up with all the burden when it is not enough. And since I make more, it’s understandable- I’ve never complained. However, this year when I did our taxes I realized how much he makes, he never spoke to me about finances prior to this. Because he’s a student understood. Now, he’s away on an internship make around 10K a month, with no expenses other than food and transportation, which is around 500-750$ a month from what I know. With the economy and inflation, our budget has not been enough. However before he left, he said that money wouldn’t be an issue. I’ve taken not only the family burden of doctors appts and any expenses that come up, but also wiped out my PTO due to it and had moments where I had a smaller check than usual. I assumed with what he said and what he would make that we would be okay, after all 40-50% of 10,000 is 4-5,000$. However, his portion has been 1,300. This has really bothered me because I always deposit my fair share, and he isn’t- and I even feel like I can speak up because an argument would ensue. Keep in mind, I alone deposit 1000-1200 a month, and 1500-1600 on months where I get three paychecks. I know we agreed our budget is 2000$ for the home expenses, however, if there is surplus that could help our savings go back up, it is now finished due to having to dig into it because of the inflated prices and unexpected expenses. I really don’t know what to do. Do I have unfair expectations?

It feels to me like if I cant count on him now with this, then I can’t count on him in the future when things get better for us both, and that it’ll always be his money no questions. I have started to feel like I should just be the same way but I know that would get us nowhere other than me reverting to just fixing things.

I’ve spoken up about things such as wanting him to spoil me, his wife, from time to time, specially now, because I feel unappreciated, but he says that do I do that for him? I’ve sent him doordash through out this time for dinner so he doesn’t have to worry about his meals. Totaling over 500$,in June and July. I’ve sent him medicine when he didn’t feel well. When I came to visit him, I filled the room with food so he wouldn’t have to worry about buying for a few weeks when he’s low on time. Again, I’m not one to bring these things up, because I do it out of love. I don’t think I’m asking for too much when I say I want to be pampered. He says I ask all the time. I bring things up because they don’t happen, specially now with him being gone, as we don’t do dates or see each other. I just want to feel appreciated.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Spell it out for him in numbers. Show him the bills & maybe talk about putting him on a cash system.

What does he do that he makes $120,000 per year as a student intern? That really ought to be enough to live on so tha you two could bank your whole salary & save for the future, ala FIRE


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## Itsmisslizz01 (5 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Spell it out for him in numbers. Show him the bills & maybe talk about putting him on a cash system.
> 
> What does he do that he makes $120,000 per year as a student intern? That really ought to be enough to live on so tha you two could bank your whole salary & save for the future, ala FIRE


He is getting his PHD in Data Science, interning for a top 5 tech company. When I have spelled it to him, he says that he’s got it all tied up and has no money.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Let some of his and his mother's bills lapse if the amount he provides isn't covering his obligation. Then let them deal with the consequences. If you do the shopping, stop buying things they like (just the essentials), and if you all have to eat ramen for a week to meet bills, do so to make a point.

If he's _taking _money from that account to pay for _other _things, then contribute that amount _less _to that account the next cycle, and tell him that he's responsible for the balance. Again, if you continue managing bills, stop pay anything not covered by the agreement, and only to the extent that the money is there. Do not add extra from your own funds.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

This does not sound good and you married a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You’re lucky he hasn’t made a larger purchase (that’s coming soon) or started racking up other debts. This is a real early warning sign. 

Not doing what you agreed, then arguing about it, then you doing all the spending is a slow burn.


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## Itsmisslizz01 (5 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> This does not sound good and you married a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You’re lucky he hasn’t made a larger purchase (that’s coming soon) or started racking up other debts. This is a real early warning sign.
> 
> Not doing what you agreed, then arguing about it, then you doing all the spending is a slow burn.


He’s mentioned he’s buying a new car because he’s above his old car now. With what I’m assuming is all the money he’s earning.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Itsmisslizz01 said:


> He’s mentioned he’s buying a new car because he’s above his old car now. With what I’m assuming is all the money he’s earning.


Yes I thought there was going to be a car purchase soon. 

Look whatever it is, any time a spouse can’t discuss an issue and starts raging, you know there’s a massive sense of entitlement and an ‘I’m going to do whatever I like’ person at the other end. To him, he seems perfectly justified and rational. 

You sound mature and responsible and like you’re behaving like an adult. If we all think about it, we would all have a car that isn’t beneath us. But some of us have to wash dishes, plan ahead and think of the next five years, not what we’re going to have tomorrow. 

A real provider wants his wife and child to be ok. A real provider doesn’t start suddenly thinking that his money is HIS money and resenting that his wife and child are getting their hands on it. You’re already draining your end of the budget. This is going to trap you long term as you run your funds dry and you eventually become completely dependant on a person who is NOT financially responsible. But yet you are! It’s madness how it happens, isn’t it?

Can I also assume that this behaviour started and escalated when you moved in together and the baby came? I may have assumed wrong, but did he have very little when he met you? Meaning, you were earning more and were already established? What was his living situation before? He lived with his mother?


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## Itsmisslizz01 (5 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Yes I thought there was going to be a car purchase soon.
> 
> Look whatever it is, any time a spouse can’t discuss an issue and starts raging, you know there’s a massive sense of entitlement and an ‘I’m going to do whatever I like’ person at the other end. To him, he seems perfectly justified and rational.
> 
> ...


It started when we started dating. He would always say that he didn’t have money so that if we wanted to do anything it was basically me, to not expect him to because he couldn’t afford to. But that one day things would be better. That he hates bring this way but that things will get better. That money won’t be an issue one day. So naively I paid for most dates, when we went out to eat, I would buy food for us for when he came over to my place to cook for him. Me beingsomeone who expresses her love through these ways I didn’t think anything of it. I would pick up food when I came to his place because he didn’t have. I wanted to make him see I believe in him and support him unconditionally. When I was pregnant and the baby came, I bought most things. I would shower him with gifts, both expensive and not all the time. But because I thought one day when he can afford to Im sure he will, as that’s what he would always say. I didn’t think anything of it. But the way I see, he has the ability to do those things now and doesn’t.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ok it sounds like there’s a bit of you not caring that he didn’t have money, and he was very upfront. All good. 

Was there a serious discussion before, where he ‘promised’ you things would be different and a very specific wording from him about how that would look? Meaning, he specifically said one day he would be the main breadwinner, or he would take care of you etc? Or do you feel this was a bait and switch and he has now mentioned that you’re the problem? What does he say now in the arguments? 

I’m also going to ask if you’ve been clear with us in that you’re not overspending in anyway, spending more on stuff you don’t need. Etc. though it still doesn’t read well to me that a father hasn’t made any purchases at all for a first child! 

Again, where did he live and where did you live? Did anyone own a property at all? In regards to the car he wants, is this a family car? Because again, sadly, most men will have a drink at the pub and despite their excitement at the new baby, they have a chuckle and mourn that they can’t have a Ferrari because the back seat needs to fit kids now.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Itsmisslizz01 said:


> He is getting his PHD in Data Science, interning for a top 5 tech company. When I have spelled it to him, he says that he’s got it all tied up and has no money.


You have a right to know what it's tied up in. Honestly, maybe it's time for you to stop merging expenses with him. If he can't even talk about it, that's pretty immature. And it sounds like he's hiding something. If you can't talk about this and settle it, not sure I'd stay hitched to that.


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## Itsmisslizz01 (5 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Ok it sounds like there’s a bit of you not caring that he didn’t have money, and he was very upfront. All good.
> 
> Was there a serious discussion before, where he ‘promised’ you things would be different and a very specific wording from him about how that would look? Meaning, he specifically said one day he would be the main breadwinner, or he would take care of you etc? Or do you feel this was a bait and switch and he has now mentioned that you’re the problem? What does he say now in the arguments?
> 
> ...


 I wouldn’t say I don’t care, but that I saw his potential and future and I believed in him. But now I’m starting have doubts. He said that money would not be a problem and that he would take care of us. With a budget of 2,000$ a month, that covers rent (1050), bills (300$) (phone, internet, car insurance), I pay for baby and mine medical, and the left is for baby’s expenses, food (600-800$ a month in this day and age alone) I don’t think that’s overspending. That’s being tight.


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## Itsmisslizz01 (5 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You have a right to know what it's tied up in. Honestly, maybe it's time for you to stop merging expenses with him. If he can't even talk about it, that's pretty immature. And it sounds like he's hiding something. If you can't talk about this and settle it, not sure I'd stay hitched to that.


From my understanding and what he says, stocks.


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> This does not sound good and you married a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You’re lucky he hasn’t made a larger purchase (that’s coming soon) or started racking up other debts. This is a real early warning sign.
> 
> Not doing what you agreed, then arguing about it, then you doing all the spending is a slow burn.


I don't know if I'd go that far yet, but yeah, his behavior calls for some scrutiny here.

@Itsmisslizz01
what's your MIL's take on all this? is she aware or is she part of the problem?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Itsmisslizz01 said:


> From my understanding and what he says, stocks.


Since it's joint money, seems like you have a say in all that.


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## Itsmisslizz01 (5 mo ago)

Reluctant Texan said:


> I don't know if I'd go that far yet, but yeah, his behavior calls for some scrutiny here.
> 
> @Itsmisslizz01
> what's your MIL's take on all this? is she aware or is she part of the problem?


my mother in law doesn’t know any of it. My husband believes we shouldn’t tell our business to everyone. I believe they mainly just want to see him finish school so that things are better for everyone.


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## Itsmisslizz01 (5 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Since it's joint money, seems like you have a say in all that.


Well the thing is he ties up all his money in stocks and what he considers our money is what we have in that account, the family account. That is not in stocks. But then again that gets wasted every month.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Itsmisslizz01 said:


> Well the thing is he ties up all his money in stocks and what he considers our money is what we have in that account, the family account. That is not in stocks. But then again that gets wasted every month.


He's just doing whatever he wants with your money.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Itsmisslizz01 said:


> He is getting his PHD in Data Science, interning for a top 5 tech company. When I have spelled it to him, he says that he’s got it all tied up and has no money.


He's lying.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The budgetary method you are using is somewhat flawed, the idea that a certain % (like 40% of income) will cover everything doesn't really work.

I would suggest you each put in a little buffer money, then each month, tally last month's expenses, and tell him to put in 50% of that amount. It will be a different amount every month, because that is what happens. Or separate expenses for his mom, let him pay those 100%, and then you two split the rest.

The current month input amount should be based on the actual spend from the prior month.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Itsmisslizz01 said:


> He’s mentioned he’s buying a new car because he’s above his old car now. With what I’m assuming is all the money he’s earning.


BS. A car is transportation not a status symbol. 

Tell him to sell the [email protected] stock & feed his family. You invest what's left over after you take care of necessities.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

It appears to me that your husband is a mummy`s boy and that the OP has become more of a mother to him than a wife.
Children do place a strain on a marriage, that`s enough on it`s own, but to add to the strain by having the MiL living there is a bad idea.
Living apart, having a young child and MiL living in the home.
First thing, find the MiL different accommodation then next step both go to marriage counseling.
Because sorry to say, if the relationship continues on like this, the marriage is going to fail.
Think about it.


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## Garama (2 mo ago)

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