# Friends not lovers.



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

He looks hopefully at me every bed time, but these days that's as far as it gets. Up until quite recently (about 6 months or so) he'd snuggle up and we'd make love (though most of the time it was under protest from me) So I can't blame him for avoiding trying to make the first move. Once I'm snuggled in bed, I don't want to mess the covers up and get myself all undressed again. No way does that appeal to me anymore!!:scratchhead:

But..... I AM thinking about it and concerned about the way we are going. Just wish our love making was a bit more appealing in the first place really. I suffer with dryness, by the time I'm aroused enough to handle him, he's gone limp... If we do manage it, it hurts......

Not surprising we don't bother. 

I'm now looking at porn online, it's turning me on a bit I suppose, but I'm just thinking it all looks like a load of effort. I don't trust him so that doesn't help. Not sure I fancy him particularly and do I love him?? We get along ok and enjoy the luxuries in life.

We're in our 40s with grown up teens (old before our time)

Is this normal for long term relationships, especially when it wasn't fireworks and sparklers in the first place!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't know your story but why the heck aren't you using lube? No reason to dry up, sister!


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## whynotrightnow12 (Mar 30, 2013)

Well, maybe not normal, but it is very common. Welcome to the club.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I don't know how normal it is, but it doesn't seem to be uncommon by any means. I think the term complacency fits well


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You poor dear! Sex is too much effort? Fun is too much effort? By the time you get aroused, he's gone limp... Oh my oh my oh my...Oh Honey, you have totally missed the boat here.

You guys need a total sex overhaul.

Start looking at sex as if it's an all day affair. Not all day under the covers, although that could be in your future! Flirt with each other, tell each other dirty stories, share fantasies, send text messages, name that body part. The goal is to get into bed already aroused. The goal is to be aroused and EAGER by the time you are changing into PJ's. 

Maybe he never knew that, maybe you never knew that about yourself. But you know it now. You're not a light switch, not now not ever. Your brain should be imagining and picturing all the naughty things you like, all day long. He needs to get your mind in the game and you have to tell him how. 

Read dirty stories, watch porn, tell him what turned you on so he knows what not tuns to push through out the day.

As far as lubricant, I have tried several brands and the best one out there is free, it's called "His Saliva" and works great!


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Does he know how you feel about him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You know your husband desires you sexually but you refuse him because you don't want to mess up the covers. That means the covers are more important to you than your husband. You stay, in large part, because you enjoy the luxuries associated with marriage. That rather sounds like you're exploiting him, financially, to me. You don't find him attractive. You don't know if you're "in love". You don't trust him. You do still find the "luxuries" attractive. 
You can't possibly be happy and it's for certain he isn't. Whatever caused you to distrust him, you must realize he can't trust you, either. He brings his sexual needs to you because you agreed to be responsible for them when you married him but you turn him away. You aren't old. You're acting old. 
Both of you will be old soon enough. Your plan to live like two old pensioners for the next 50 years may have a wrinkle. What if he just gets tired of feeling unloved and dumps you for someone who will actually participate fully in an adult relationship? Your kids are basically grown so the "staying for the kids" incentive won't work for him much longer.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Why don't you trust him?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If you've never had sexual chemistry then yes it's normal.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Definitely abnormal.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Dame, 

We're 40 years together. We had the same symptoms. We use these. 

Glide – Westridge Laboratories, Inc.

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) and Treatment for the Signs and Symptoms of Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia (BPH), CIALIS (tadalafil) tablets

Intimacy & Desire: Description | Crucible4Points.com

It's all good now.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

DameEdna said:


> Once I'm snuggled in bed, I don't want to mess the covers up and get myself all undressed again. No way does that appeal to me anymore!!:scratchhead:
> :


I respect that you are saying here how you feel. 

I don't for a second believe I know how your husband would feel if he had heard you say it. But, when I read it, it hurt (and yes, I know you are not my wife, and that you didn't say it to me!)

The reason I felt a twang of pain is that I'm sure my wife at some point felt the same way - didnt want to be inconvenienced, etc. Well, it turns out in my case, things deteriorated to the point now I'm convinced she wants to NOT WANT TO feel like putting in a little bit of effort to stay connected.

I don't know if what you have is normal. But I'm damn sure it can destroy a marriage over time.

Me 47. Her 50.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

DameEdna said:


> He looks hopefully at me every bed time,


I take it back,maybe I do know how he feels.

If you love your husband, and want to keep your marriage from disintegrating, you need to find a way to see deeply what burden the lack of sexual intimacy has on him ( if it is burdening him. -- so far, I simply noticed you the word "expectantly"). If he's like me, then it is probably a much much more significant than you might have imagined.

Btw, I am not trying to make you feel bad, and I saw by the unsmiley in your post that maybe you feel bad about it. I'm just encouraging you to find out if it hurts him, because not knowing will lead to not healing which will lead to bigger troubles than you might have thought were ahead.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If it hurts to have sex, LUBE.......before I read any posts here.

Comfy sheets over your hubby, serious?

40's? You're not old yet.

For men, sex is essential to keep us happy, healthy and faithful. Little to no sex = divorce in the waiting or physical affairs and don't be surprised or hurt when it happens either.

You know he wants you sexually. Then do something about it. 

The ball is in your court.

You think a sexless marriage is healthy and will really last?


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. One word hit home that was mentioned..... complacency. I do think that is what's happening here. He thinks I don't care, but I'm on here trying to resolve it (ok I should be with him resolving it, but I needed advice) I do care.

I like the idea of "all day" foreplay (that someone mentioned) and on the rare times we've done that, it's been nice. 

Will try and put some of your advice into action. Thank you


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