# Emotional Affair 14 months in and trouble



## Orvillelee (Feb 16, 2018)

I discovered my wife's EA 14 months ago. Facebook chats with a former crush from childhood with a serious long term illness . Nothing physical but how she loved him and "we will have our chance." I finally got a gut filling and read her phone messages. I was devestated, our marriage wasn't perfect but I never saw this coming.

The first 3 months were touch and go. Just friends, respect my privacy, innocent flirting, it's your fault.. she agreed to a 90 day no contact. Things improved, I hoped she would see our family (2 teenage children ) and our relationship as more valuable. She became feral near day 90 and immediately contacted him. She eventually agreed to no contact but would not allow me to see her phone or social media due to her privacy she cherishes. She blocked him on FB and I would periodically check

The last 8 months have improved vastly. Our relatinship has been the best it has in years. We have had some downs and divorce has been discussed but she wants us to make it work. But last month I asked to see FB and he was no longer blocked . I was shocked and mad. she promised she had not contacted him but I was skeptical. She actually got off all social media for 2 or 3 wks. Then on valentine's day I secretly looked at her phone. She had sent him a instagram message saying "happy valentine's day my friend." Later that night I asked about our no contact and if I could see her social media. She deleted instagram immediatel from her phone.

Should I confront her? I made promised not to snoop and she will now that I did. This guy is in poor health and she has a big heart. But ....


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

If you like being married to a lying cheating cake eater then carry on if not then all the talking in the world won't change anything.

Take action file for divorce ..she can then be with her sick lover.

Maybe she can be his care giver .


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Here's the thing. If you set a line in the sand then you must be willing to enforce it with an iron fist.

If you previously set a firm boundary that further contact between them results in divorce, you must follow through. Failure to follow through will teach her that you are weak and ultimately she can do what she wants. The worst consequences to her would be you having a bit of a tantrum. Think of her like a teenager. They will push every boundary as far as they can get away with. Your W is in an affair. She feels strongly about this other man. So, she will not act rationally, she will act as the teenager.

If you did not set a firm boundary, she will push until you do. Same as above, she'll be like the teenager.

If you tried logic on her and if you appealed to her sense of duty to the family, she will nod her head and then go behind your back to do what she wants. She doesn't see what she is doing as ethically wrong. She understands you aren't happy, but in her mind she does not believe she is doing something wrong. So she will try to hide her affair from you. She may even rationalize it isn't actually an affair, because they haven't had sex. Your logic and appeal to loyalty mean nothing to her!

Cheaters have a script, and your wife is classic.

There are a few things you can do. First, collect some information. Gather whatever evidence you can, and save it multiple safe places. There may be a way to recover her instagram from her phone or computer. Check phone records to see if she's having phone calls or regular text messages. Put a keylogger on the family computer if she uses it. Consider a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car. That may not be fully legal, but you're not collecting courtroom evidence, you are determining the extent of her affair for your personal knowledge. This collection period is about a week. Short time line.

Next, confront her. Tell her she is engaging in an emotional affair. It is an affair. It is infidelity. It is cheating. This is not up for negotiation or debate! It is how you see it. And as such it is making it impossible for you to continue in the marriage. Either she commits to the marriage and agrees to solid boundaries, or the marriage is over. You have to mean this, it is not an idle threat!

You can give her the excellent book "Not Just Friends" which may help her see she is in an emotional affair.

Your boundaries would be no contact. She sends one final No Contact message to him which you see before it gets sent. And then she blocks him from all channels. Another boundary would be full immediate access to any electronic device she has. She gives you all passwords to everything. She agrees to marriage counseling.

It is often said, and it is true, you have to be willing to lose this marriage to save it. You have to convince her you are serious, too. I would go to your state court website and download their DIY divorce paperwork. Fill it out (totally tilt the numbers in your favor, and don't sign the papers). This will take a day or two of gathering all your financial records because it will ask for all assets and debts, car values, home value, loans, etc. The purpose of the paperwork is to put this down on the table in front of her and say this is it. Either agree to stop the affair and work on the marriage, or you leave the marriage.

It would be wise to do some research on the internet of divorce laws where you live.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

You broke 1 small promise, she broke 20 big ones. You sure as hell should NEVER feel bad about lying to or spying on a known cheater. File for divorce. Time to let her know you're serious. You can stop the process if she comes to her senses.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

*sigh* Ah the remnants of a young love that might have been. She's not done with him yet and with her cutting off your ability to check on her behavior, she undoubtedly sees no reason to stop. And just shame on you for snooping and invading her privacy. :slap: I hope she doesn't wake up too late from her little fantasy trip.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

#1 rule is never divulge your source of information. When you confront you can do it one of two ways. First is to show proof. In this case you don't have it but you could say you saw the message. She already knows you did, but it wasn't overtly discussed between you. But showing the evidence gives away the source usually. However, if she gets all hostile about you breaking your promise not to snoop, her defiance is proof of her trying to further deceive you about the extent of what she's done. The second way to confront is to simply declare that you know she has broken her promise of no contact, and it is infidelity. You declare she is cheating. You don't try to prove it, and you don't argue if one instagram is cheating or not. She broke her promise and she is cheating.

The more evidence you can get the better, but you don't actually need hard proof for anybody other than yourself. You already know she has been cheating. More evidence would only fill in the picture as to how bad it really is. And that might be helpful to you if there aren't question marks. But if she's crossed the line and exceeded your limits, that is all you need. Nobody else has to be convinced. This is about you and your limits of what you tolerate.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Orvillelee,

Your W is in an emotional affair for 14 months and you feel bad, or am made to feel bad by your WW, talk about blame shifting. You are 50% responsible for the state of your marriage but your WW is 100% responsible for her affair.

Married people should have 100% access to each others lives. 

There is a good chance your WW has been in contact with this OM, possibly other OMs, for much longer but his illness has caused the affair to blossom as she realizes this may be her last chance to be with him. Get a polygraph for your WW she has to come clean.

Save all communication and send it to the OMs wife, parents, grand parents, workplace, facebook, etc expose him to high heaven don't warn or threaten do it all at once and as quickly as possible.

Tamat


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Orvillelee said:


> Should I confront her? I made promised not to snoop and she will now that I did.


 Tell her that you will not agree to be bound by any promise not to snoop when it comes to protecting your marriage. That your marriage vows trump any false right that she and the other man (OM) have to privacy so that they can continue to communicate in secret. Then point blank ask her "can you look me in the eye and tell me to my face that you have 100% honored your promise to go full no contact with the other man"? After you ask this question it is important for you to shut up. If you say anything before she answers, that will take her off the hook in answering the question; it may get awkward but stay silent as you wait for an answer. If after a couple of minutes she says nothing, tell her that "your silence is an admission that you have spoken to him because if you had not spoken to him you would have gladly told me". Then tell her that "I will not tell you how I know, but I know that you have been in contact with him behind my back".

Then proceed to tell her that what she is doing is called an emotional affair (EA), and that an EA is cheating, no if ands or buts about it (note to OP: please Google to find out the real long term damage this EA is doing to your marriage and to you). Tell her that you are tired of her games and her cheating, and that any more talk of her having the false right to privacy so that she can continue with her EA will not be listened to by you.That if she wants to get one more chance to stay in this marriage she must agree to full 100% no contact with her EA partner for life, and that she must agree to full transparency, including all passwords and access, without complaint. If she does not agree to this, then she is picking the OM over her marriage, and a one-sided 100% commitment to your marriage is not a marriage that you want to be a part of. She either agrees, or you must be ready to take real action and mean it. Good luck.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

why in the world would you promise not to snoop she has proven already over and over again that she lied and you promised not to snoop sorry but she lost that privilege when she lied. Its called trust by verify...

you look her straight in the eyes and you ask her if she contacted him for valentine day....if she looks away, or down and left she is lying, or if she is squinting she does not like what you are saying


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

Sorry the minute they show lack of trustworthiness pull the plug. Dont the let the door........ on the way out.


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

BTW its not your snooping that is the problem. Its her reckless behavior.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Why do you care if she knows you snooped or not?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, your wife agreed to no contact. She broke her promise. Woman here, 60 years old, & 38 years married (first marriage for both of us). Your wife is carrying a torch for her childhood sweetheart. She told him that she loves him in a romantic way. She is gambling her marriage & family to this man, healthy or sick.

You need to put a stop to your wife's behavior immediately. No contact with this man, period. Transparent social media in all types, including her phone. Do not allow this "privacy" excuse. The only place for privacy is the bathroom in a marriage.

Expose her to her family & yours. Tell this man that you have read all correspondences & tell all her childhood friends of their emotional affair. You need to see a psychologist to stop this "pick me" dance of your wife's. You have low self-esteem to accept the crumbs that your wife gives you. You need to set a consequence for her behavior. These are: stop the emotional affair or divorce her.

You wouldn't want a third man in your bedroom. Your wife acts like a lovesick teenager. BTW how old are you and your wife?


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

More like "Emotional affair 10 minutes ago", I don't see where the EA stopped based on what you've provided. I would leave if I were you. It's all so easy on the other side, you're like "wtf is this guy thinking? she's clearly still cheating on him, just leave man". But it's hard.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For me a vital condition for the marriage to carry on at all would be that she gives you 100% access to her phones etc at all times. The fact that she said no because she 'cherishes her privacy' says it all and was a massive red flag. In marriage there should be no secrecy and she clearly had things to hide. 

IF you still want to stay, you must make it 100% clear that you want complete access to her phone and computer at all times and that if she ever contacts him again she must leave(not you) and you will end the marriage. Also tell her that you will tell the children and both families why you are ending it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Where does this man live?Is it near you?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You've been deceived all this time by her and are willing to give her a pass?

With as many chances as she's already had, I'd be in a lawyers office at the first light of day having them represent me in filing for divorce!*


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

My take: OP won't do anything other than act upset and demand, and huff and puff, but no balls to blow this away, because, he's no alpha man.I think it is his fears of losing what he has at the cost of his own self-respect.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Of course you confront her. This has been going on for 14 months, but you seem apologetic about it. No, do not do anything in secret. Best yet - file. That will get her attention.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree with others that your weak response in not filing for divorce and blowing up her life, is enabling this flame to continue to burn.

Your wife is in love with another man. He is clondtantoy on her mind.
She wants to be with him more than her own husband.

The smart thing to do is to let her have him. 
Tell her you love her and want her to be happy.
You'll be miserable for a long time. But the difference is you'll get better and find a woman who has YOU on her mind all the time.
As it is now, you have a woman that lives with you, but only sees you as an obstacle to her true love.

If you don't blow her world up so that she either completes the fantasy to be with him, or sees the folly of her shame---- you'll spend the rest of your life as second fiddle to her childhood crush.

That's not the way I'd want to live. You can't really lose what you don't really have. Shesxyiur wife on paper only. She wants another.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's been playing you and you've let that happen. She doesn't want a divorce at this point but neither does she want to give up her fantasy. That leaves you with a decision to make.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Orvillelee said:


> She actually got off all social media for 2 or 3 wks. Then on valentine's day I secretly looked at her phone. She had sent him a instagram message saying "happy valentine's day my friend." Later that night I asked about our no contact and if I could see her social media. She deleted instagram immediatel from her phone.
> 
> But ....


*But what? She made a deal with you dearie and she broke it.*


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Married 44 years. My wife had an affair 39 years ago. We have reconciled. 

I require complete transparency. Forever.

My wife is a special snowflake, so I have even more reason to do so, but I would have required such transparency forever no matter what.

It would be required. Now, the question might remain as to what I might or might not do if she had failed to comply, but my wife did not fail. She was committed to reconciliation.

I have and will at any time take my wife's phone and look through it, with no explanation or apology. 

My opinion is:

You should not think you need to hide your investigation of her phone, or apologize for looking. The fact you think she should be allowed to keep it private from you shows you two are not serious about reconciliation. You cannot succeed at establishing a loving relationship as long as you think you need to apologize to her for seeking the truth about what she is up to.

Take the phone out of her hand. If she complains, hand her papers.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You don’t have to confront at all. Just let her know that you have decided that you can’t be married to her anymore. That you thought that you could get past her EA but knowing that she loves and cares for another guy is to much for you. Also that she broke trust and that it can not be regained by her actions. 

Then hand her divorce papers. Talk about the need to let the kids know about what has happened. This will be the only way for your wife to see how serious the situation is. Then maybe she will realize what she has really done.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Of course you should confront her. You need to act swiftly and impose some serious consequences in regards to this matter.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Privacy is reserved for the bathroom when you're married. Blocking you from checking her phone at any time shows that she is not willing to do what is necessary after already being caught. That's some severe lack of remorse going on and should have made your mind up for you.

If she's not going to do the work genuinely, then she's not sorry. She's just sorry she got caught. Now you're ruining her fun.

I'd not even bother to confront. I'd just divorce her. She doesn't want to do the work. She's made her choice, and it isn't you.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Shoot, I was going to post a long response on this one after I first saw it to give him a fresh example on what happened to me because it sounds like someone with the same mindset I had. But it looks like a one post and done. If he comes back, I will post something lengthy.


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## Orvillelee (Feb 16, 2018)

I confronted my wife Sunday morning before we get out of bed. I told her we lived in a no-fault state and if she wanted to move on we needed to do it now otherwise things had to change. I told her about the Instagram that I saw and she didn't deny it she had actually deleted Instagram and her account because she knew she had messed up. I told her that I would not live like this anymore. Choose him or me. We had a discussion I now have full access to her phone her iPad and her laptop . She has committed to it and we will see I'm proceeding cautiously. I told her the truth was the ultimate goal for me full truth anything else would not be tolerated.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Make sure to get access to her hidden burner phone, as well.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Orvillelee said:


> I confronted my wife Sunday morning before we get out of bed. I told her we lived in a no-fault state and if she wanted to move on we needed to do it now otherwise things had to change. I told her about the Instagram that I saw and she didn't deny it she had actually deleted Instagram and her account because she knew she had messed up. I told her that I would not live like this anymore. Choose him or me. We had a discussion I now have full access to her phone her iPad and her laptop . She has committed to it and we will see I'm proceeding cautiously. I told her the truth was the ultimate goal for me full truth anything else would not be tolerated.


Here is the deal, next time your W messes up with NC and she will...you need to follow through with beginning the D proceedings. Consequences. Your WW has not had any. You may pull the plug on the D later if you wish.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Make sure to get access to her hidden burner phone, as well.


^^^^


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Some people are just not really capable of being married. Guess you are going to see if your wife is one of those persons. If you haven't already.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Did you say the OM has a long term illness, is it fatal? It could explain such undying love for dude.
No excuses thou, no wife should be declarating such words to any other man.


Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I hope it works out for you my friend but I worry you're now changing the relationship dynamic to parent/child, warden/prisoner, or whatever you want to call it. Being a marriage cop would suck but it seems like that's the role you're going to have to play. She has fallen off the wagon several times. That means it's very likely she will again and you'll have to play marriage cop again.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Orvillelee said:


> I told her the truth was the ultimate goal for me full truth anything else would not be tolerated.


Lol. Be sure to verify everything. Everything. Finances, communications, where she is, emails, where her car is. She proved she is not worthy of your trust by her actions. To restore trust you are going to have to observe it consistently for quite a while. 

However, many cheaters silently LOL when the betrayed says only full truth will be tolerated. Don't be Nice! For some reason the kind of discussion you had about honesty is seen by the cheater as weakness. I suppose for many (like my xw), their baseline assumption is that everybody is significantly dishonest within marriage, which made me look hopelessly naive.

I hope your wife has been scared straight by this event and will be honest with you. Just don't be a chump. Verify.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The only way you will get the truth is by handing her divorce papers while saying you don’t believe you have the full truth.


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