# Seperated from wife,advice needed please



## Ripd2pcs

Ok here goes....

My wife and I have been married just over 8 years ( together 9 ) 2 children ( hers ) 14 and 15 all of which I love with all my heart.....we didn't have a lot when we first got together,over the years we built what I thought was a good stable home,and all our friends and family looked upon us as essentially the perfect couple.i was the happiest I've ever been in my life.
my wife does suffer from bouts of depression and panic attacks,which over the years became more frequent,I tried to get her to the docs,or counciling,but she was never willing and depended on her tablets to get her through.
we were both employed....she passed her driving test.....she got a promotion at work and then the problems started.........

She became very emotionless towards me,all of the signs of infidelity were there including....
Strange hours at work.
Not wanting to spend time with me on days off.
Passwords changed.
Putting lock on her phone and sleeping with it ( basically not letting it out of her sight)
More care in appearance
Lack of sex or affection
And the list goes on....
I confronted her several times to which she always denied albeit not very convincingly....
Returned home from work one day and she told me she didn't know what she wants anymore and that she needed space and was going away for a while....
Next day suitcase was packed she left without talking ( I tried ) no rules were set in place at all and the last thing she said before she left was 'have faith in me'
I stayed with the children for several days before I decided I couldn't do this anymore, her father came to look after them and I moved out.......
It's been three weeks now and I still know just as less now as I did ....
She is at home now but rarely stays in with the kids and sleeps round her friends almost every night,whilst kids stay with grandparents.
Last time I saw her ( very briefly ) her rings were off ( did send her mssge few days earlier asking her to keep rings on until she either met someone else or we divorced)
She kept hugging me and crying and then had the audacity to ask me if I was seeing anyone then called me a liar when I said of course not,and said that people were telling her how well I was doing,how much weight I had lost ( not through exercise through stress) how good I was looking and going out and generally trying to rebuild my life, to which she seemed almost annoyed...

I don't know what to do from here...I really really love my wife dearly and would like to hear similar stories,advice and general input.

Would a woman leave her kids with there stepfather to be with another man for 2 weeks?

Will she ever admit to affair?

Will she feel remorse?

Have I really got it all that wrong?


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## GusPolinski

What kind of phone does she have? If it's an iPhone, do you have the user ID and password for her Apple iTunes account?


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## Ripd2pcs

It is an iPhone but the only thing I know about it is the number, she never used to let me near it...


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## easysolution

This should probably be moved into the CWI section. Either way I'll tell you that accusing her of cheating without any tangible evidence is not very smart (not that I doubt that there is another man involved with all the red flags).
Advice? 
Don't chase her, don't ask her to put on her rings, don't beg, don't plead and do not try to negotiate her back into the marriage. 

Do let her go! Do try to look after yourself and the kids (if you have the strength for it)! Do look for a lawyer! Do present her with divorce papers! Do move on!
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position.


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## GusPolinski

Ripd2pcs said:


> It is an iPhone but the only thing I know about it is the number, she never used to let me near it...


OK, I'm assuming that you don't have an iPhone as well or, at the very least, if you do, you and she are using different Apple iTunes accounts w/ them. Either way, read this post for information on how to (possibly) retrieve data from your wife's phone...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209882-need-perspective-2.html#post9764594


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## Ripd2pcs

Sorry don't know the cwi section is?....so hard to let go amidst all the confusion, gut feeling,instinct and many many red flags make me think it is another man,and I know I shouldn't be accusing but it's so hard to maintain dignity through this.....thank you for ur advice easy solution


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## lifeistooshort

Oh, I was about to point out that YOU.left the children as well but then saw that they're not yours. That's crappy of her, I'd consider whether you want a woman that will dump her kids for a piece of a$$.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OptimisticPessimist

You need to ask yourself whether you want to find out whats happening and try to fix it, try to fix it (only), or walk away.

If you want to find out if infidelity is involved, get a VAR and velcro it under the driver seat of her car (Sony ICD-PX333 is a great one for about $50). Wait a few weeks and youll have all the evidence you need. If you can guess her online passwords that will help, and so will checking phone records, but nothing works like a VAR.

My advice is to drop DIVORCE papers NOW. You can always cancel the process. No reason you cant drop D papers while the VAR is doing its job either.

She either doesnt respect you, or she is involved with another man, and most likely both.

Human beings respond best to situations of calamity. You must BRING calamity to her doorstep in order for her to FEEL any desire to change. Dropping D papers brings her calamity (IF and only if she has any will left to try fixing the relationship with you).

You cannot be at her beck and call. You cannot be manipulated by her emotions, nor should you accept any apology short of her BEGGING you. You must come off as a strong man who's cashing in his chips and WALKING AWAY with his pride still intact. 

If she feels guilt and tries to pursue you, then things are on your terms. Then you can demand no contact, all passwords, counseling, and anything you want. This is the only chance you have. 

Where you are sucks dude- no doubt about it. Keep us in the loop and we as a community will try to help any way we can.


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## Ripd2pcs

Yeah thinking that myself ATM..I still text the kids and they say she's gone mad and they find her behaviour disgusting......Ty lifestooshort


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## Ripd2pcs

Ty for your advice optimist,I feel talking divorce papers is a little early yet,after all I don't know 100% that there is anyonelse as yet (99.9% sure though) trying the 180 ATM see if that helps and what reaction I get..


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## OptimisticPessimist

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ty for your advice optimist,I feel talking divorce papers is a little early yet,after all I don't know 100% that there is anyonelse as yet (99.9% sure though) trying the 180 ATM see if that helps and what reaction I get..


The 180 is a milder version of dropping divorce papers. Remember, the 180 is for YOU, not for her. It may have the effect of her gaining respect for you, but the primary purpose is for you to disconnect and prepare to move on with your life.

It is your choice. Remember though- there is no bolder statement in a marriage than saying "im divorcing you".


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## barbados

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ty for your advice optimist,I feel talking divorce papers is a little early yet,after all I don't know 100% that there is anyonelse as yet (99.9% sure though) trying the 180 ATM see if that helps and what reaction I get..


Ripd2pcs,

Unfortunately, you can almost 100% bank on the fact that there is someone else. All the classic signs are there. And yes, here bailing on her own kids is not uncommon. Many threads here where WW's do that.

BTW, the CWI is the coping with infidelity section on this forum, so if you PM (private message) a moderator, they will move this there for you, so you can get the best advice possible, because you are dealing with infidelity here.

Some of the moderators you can PM are Deejo, FrenchFry, and Amplexor.

Sorry you are here.


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## Ripd2pcs

Ty all for input....gonna try 180 with nc....see what happens


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## I'llUseMyEars

I am very sorry for what you are going through. But, I am certainly NOT convinced that there is someone else involved here. I believe she is in a very unstable state of mind, as you have stated the depression. I think she is more confused and has no idea what she wants, and is not capable of processing it all at this time. I commend you for your efforts with the children, and please do not give up on that! The children need some idea of stability that I believe you can provide. I think, right now, your wife is just lost in her own instability, and hopefully you can find her, and bring her back. Good luck...


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## Revamped

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ty for your advice optimist,I feel talking divorce papers is a little early yet,after all I don't know 100% that there is anyonelse as yet (99.9% sure though) trying the 180 ATM see if that helps and what reaction I get..


There's nobody else. Nor is there drugs or alcohol involved.

This woman is just very mentally disturbed.

The thing now to be considered is the mental health of the children involved. You can all band together as a family unit, even though the children aren't biologically yours.

This woman needs more professional help with Depression than what has been provided. Help her children see that as you are right by their side. Don't abandon them now. You're their rock and them, yours.

Solidarity, is What is called for now.


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## Ripd2pcs

Revamped and ill use my ears, you don't know how comforting it is to hear you 2 say you don't think she is cheating...I'm just so confused...all the signs of cheating are there and more,but nothing seems to make sense.....why did she seem so unhappy last time I saw her,why did she tell me she wanted to kill her self but she's to gutless to do it...I just don't know how to help her or what to do for best,but one thing for sure is she won't talk to me...I'll take your input on board and I take the children out once a week for dinner or cinema (sorry forgot to mention that) ....thank you I still think I need to do nc to see what kinda reaction I get if any....


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## tom67

She is obviously cheating why else would she change passwords and not let you see her phone.
But the main question why would you put up with it?
Sorry man you are the classic "beta provider"
Time to move on.


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## Ripd2pcs

Just don't know what to do...I worry if I play the nc card she will think I don't care,if I try the 180 and try better myself she again will think I don't care, will feel a complete di k if there is someone else and there's me trying to get her back.......


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## Ripd2pcs

Just 1 question for all...if I'd the 180 and nc ( I know it sounds stupid but I still am deeply in love with her ) what would she have to do to convince me to try again IF and a very big IF she chose she wanted to?


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## OptimisticPessimist

Ripd2pcs said:


> Just 1 question for all...if I'd the 180 and nc ( I know it sounds stupid but I still am deeply in love with her ) what would she have to do to convince me to try again IF and a very big IF she chose she wanted to?


Beg.

Its the only way youre going to know she really means business about R. 

You being deeply in love with her will absolutely NOT AT ALL help fix your marriage.

Heres the problem with guys in your situation- they keep trying to pull closer or only meekly commit to NC/holding her accountable. This only gives her more reason to believe you are desperate and unable to ascertain value in your life independent of her.

A woman wants a man who has value in his life INDEPENDENT OF HER; she feels FOR such a man as a RESPONSE. A woman is attracted to a man's ability to effect a positive environment through his actions- only _when he has such capacity_ will she feel positive emotions in response to his demonstrating care. 

I dare say you are where you are _because_ youve been a doormat. Only when you become a man who demands respect will she regard you as one.

So continue on your path of timidly holding her accountable- you will end up losing her and youll be here asking for advice on divorce. Only a man who swiftly and brutally handles this situation can fix it.


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## Dyokemm

She is definitely cheating.

Stop reacting and making decisions out of fear.

Embrace your anger and start showing her you will NOT tolerate her behavior.

File for D and do not stop the process until she confesses the entire extent of her betrayals, agrees to completely end this crap, and shows real remorse and a desire to repair what she has destroyed.


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## workindad

Dyokemm said:


> She is definitely cheating.
> 
> Stop reacting and making decisions out of fear.
> 
> Embrace your anger and start showing her you will NOT tolerate her behavior.
> 
> File for D and do not stop the process until she confesses the entire extent of her betrayals, agrees to completely end this crap, and shows real remorse and a desire to repair what she has destroyed.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is basically what I was going to respond with.

She is definitely cheating. No need to be so secretive otherwise.


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## just got it 55

Ripd2pcs said:


> Just 1 question for all...if I'd the 180 and nc ( I know it sounds stupid but I still am deeply in love with her ) what would she have to do to convince me to try again IF and a very big *IF she chose she wanted to*?


OK Rip stop right there.

It's no longer up to her

Take control

55


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## EleGirl

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ty for your advice optimist,I feel talking divorce papers is a little early yet,after all I don't know 100% that there is anyonelse as yet (99.9% sure though) trying the 180 ATM see if that helps and what reaction I get..


Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book will help whether she is having an affair or not.


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## EleGirl

Ripd2pcs said:


> Just don't know what to do...I worry if I play the nc card she will think I don't care,if I try the 180 and try better myself she again will think I don't care, will feel a complete di k if there is someone else and there's me trying to get her back.......


I agree that there is a high probability that your wife is having some kind of mental health episode. This is why she told you that she wants to kill herself.

So don't do the no contact. Interact with her according to the 180.

Is she talking to her parents? Are they aware of anything that is going on?


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## OldWolf57

OK, wasn't going to comment on this, it seemed too simple.

FACT, she is or was cheating, you can bury your head but it won't change that.

As a vet here, there has NEVER been a ws showing all those signs and wasn't cheating.

Yes she may be spiraling down mentally, but if she won't admit it and get help, there is nothing you can do.

My best advice to you is have her served, and hope the shock will bring her around.
This has worked here more than any other method.
In fact, read some thread. Many come back saying they wished they had done as advised.

The best you can do for all involved, is to shock her into facing herself, and what she has done to her kids and you.

We had a BROTHER here, Her Husband, who ww left him and the kids. In fact same ages as yours.
He fought long, and he fought hard, and he won her back, oh, mental illness was an issue also.
But, you know what, it broke him in the end.
It all took a toll on him, and his last post, he was talking going off alone.
But the tone was not right, you know what I'm saying.

I still pray he's Ok, and will continue.

So I say again, shock her with the papers.
Nothing else seem to be getting thru man.

You never said, how much her father knows, or why he hasn't tried to talk some sense into her.


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## Ripd2pcs

Ty all for your input, I do believe I hav been burying my head in the sand know and through the relationship for fear of finding out the truth...and dare I say it I have been acting like a doormat around her for many many months now....her parents are divorced but I know her mother isn't very happy with the way she has done things,and her father is so soft around her I don't think it would matter what she done he would always forgive her and be on her side....it's been 4 days now with no contact...I think I am gonna get the ball rolling with d papers though..having read many posts on here I do believe she has been doing her grieving for the marriage for many months now and it just came like a bombshell to me...just so gutted,you think you know someone for all those years,resentment and hate are starting to creep in and I'm fighting with all my heart not to hate her ( again silly I know ). I think the reason she has never fessed up about the other man is .......... Firstly to save my feelings and to protect hers...and secondly and probably more relevant is she would hate the fact that friends acquaintances and family ( hers and mine) would look down upon her for doing such a thing. So I think she is protecting herself from all that aggro....2 months down the line " oh guess what guys I just started seeing someone" YEAH RIGHT!!!!.........


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## Ripd2pcs

What's the best way to do this......do I text her and tell her that I'm gettin the ball rolling with divorce?...do I wait until she wants to meet with me and the mention it? (who knows when that could be few days,few months) do I act like I don't care when in fact I really do? If through text do I say it and end it with take care?....so many questions and I'm so sorry but my mind is in a really bad place


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## Chaparral

Can you not afford a private investigator to find out what and who she is doing?

If infidelity is going on, that can make a difference in some states as far as divorce goes.

If she is having an affair, is that a total deal breaker for you or would you consider reconcilliation?


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## azteca1986

Ripd2pcs said:


> Yeah thinking that myself ATM..I still text the kids and they say she's gone mad and *they find her behaviour disgusting*......Ty lifestooshort


What do they know? "disgusting" is a specific choice of word.


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## Haiku

Ripd2pcs - you're getting all sorts of advice (from well meaning people) of which you don't seem emotionally ready for. For the love of god the first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. I strongly encourage you to find a marriage counselor who also does individual therapy and has been in the business for years (decades). (While there are very qualified therapists without PhD's I have a personal preference toward those with PhD.)


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## Acoa

I'm not sure why you moved out of the house after she left. Was there a reason? I can see getting away for a few days to clear your head or not let the kids see you in your puddle while you pulled yourself together. But did I read that right? You moved out after she moved out?


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## Ripd2pcs

Update ......just texted her and asked if we could meet to talk today ( I know it's her day off) and she replied with I'm at hospital today....I then text back in hospital? or appointment? She still hasn't replied and has been over an hour now, I've rang her mom and she said she did have an appointment today....I've then text the wife again and hav said I only wanted to meet you today for no other reason than to talk about divorce proceedings and which road we should go down...still no response,just walked down to the courts and gathered all the forms to start the ball rolling with divorce........kids no nothing of what she's doing or where she has been staying,they've broke up for summer know and the boy will be staying most of it round his cousins,and the girl spends most nights round her friends now,which gives the wife the freedom to do exactly what she wants for the next 7 weeks anyway........
The reason I moved out was I couldn't cope with the kids seeing me in such a bad place,and felt like I was waiting for the inevitable,so took the initiative to move out (wish I hadn't of now and I know it was a mistake) when I told her I was leaving she sent me a text saying please don't I really need your help right now which really bothered me cos up until then she completely cut me off and was sending her daughter texts like I hope you'll understand one day,I felt like I was a live in babysitter whilst she was getting her jollies from someone else,and I suppose I thought me moving out would prompt her to come back home and be with the kids who were obviously worried about her state of mind, she didn't come back and it kinda backfired on me....


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## Ripd2pcs

I can't afford a pi cos of two weeks ago I lost my job on top of everything due to me taking too much time of work,I don't drive and have no way of proving 100% that she is cheating.....


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## weightlifter

1) Read the top link in my signature. All you need and step by step.
2) Given the extreme number of red flags... The statistical probability she is not cheating is less than 1%.

Lets put this in words that will shock you. Another man put his load inside your wife. Can you live with that? This is something only YOU can answer and there is not shame in answering 'no'.

BTW if she is in the same town... Send a buddy for a looksee. Tell him to bring his camera. I rather doubt she is being all that careful.


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## happyman64

Ripd

Do you own the house?

Sorry you are down on your luck.

I think you know what you have to do.

Did your wife ever use drugs???

And if you want to look at her phone ask one of her kids to give you the password. I bet they know how to get in it.


HM


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## Ripd2pcs

No don't own the house,have no access to her car,no access to her phone,only drugs she takes are anti depressants,co coda mol,paracetamol,anti panic attack tablets, all of which she eats like smarties,as for same town yes but she is never at home no-one seems to know where she is sleeping of a night ( she says her friends)......and the answer to ur question can I deal with another man shooting his load inside her is a definite no and she knows this I have always stated clearly throughout the marriage that I can deal with anything but that....


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## lordmayhem

Can I ask why you don't drive? You mentioned she got her drivers license, do you have one?


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## badmemory

Can I say with 100% certainty that your wife is cheating? No. But with the number of red flags, the probability is extremely high. You would be making a huge mistake not to rightfully assume it.

But regardless, she's abandoned her marriage and barely given you an explanation. This is all on her. Stop worrying about making her mad; about pushing her away. She is already gone.

She needs to understand that she's going to lose her husband for what she's done. She needs to know that you won't wait around as her plan B.

You owe her no explanation or heads up for filing for divorce. She will know why when she is served. If for some reason she completely turns around after that; don't just jump into R right away. Keep going through with the divorce process. It can always be stopped at some point, but not before she comes completely clean with her A and convinces you that she is slobber knocking remorseful.


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## 6301

Ripd2pcs said:


> What's the best way to do this......do I text her and tell her that I'm gettin the ball rolling with divorce?...do I wait until she wants to meet with me and the mention it? (who knows when that could be few days,few months) do I act like I don't care when in fact I really do? If through text do I say it and end it with take care?....so many questions and I'm so sorry but my mind is in a really bad place


 If it's me, as long as she's keeping you in the dark, then I would so the same. 

Get a lawyer, file and have her served without any notice. Then when she gets it, she finally knows your playing the same hard ball game with her and it's now her move.

If she calls you after receiving it, then let her know that your tired of all the Mickey Mouse games that she's playing with the extreme secrecy and your not putting up with it any more and end the conversation.

Now if she wants to heal the marriage she's going to have to step up to the plate, open up about whats going on and prove to you that she wants the marriage and the fist thing she must do is be honest.

If she can't then there isn't any point going any further because she isn't willing to give her all.


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## happyman64

Ripd2pcs said:


> No don't own the house,have no access to her car,no access to her phone,only drugs she takes are anti depressants,co coda mol,paracetamol,anti panic attack tablets, all of which she eats like smarties,as for same town yes but she is never at home no-one seems to know where she is sleeping of a night ( she says her friends)......and the answer to ur question can I deal with another man shooting his load inside her is a definite no and she knows this I have always stated clearly throughout the marriage that I can deal with anything but that....


Then find out who she is sleeping with. Then you'll have your deal breaker.

You can then divorce her with a clear conscious.


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## Ripd2pcs

Ok just text her and told her I'm posting the papers in the morning, she just said ok and what's the rush with divorce....wats that mean?


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## jackskellington

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ok just text her and told her I'm posting the papers in the morning, she just said ok and what's the rush with divorce....wats that mean?


That means she wants to know "Why now"? Meaning: What do you know that you didn't use to know. And Are you seeing someone new so I can use that against you?


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## badmemory

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ok just text her and told her I'm posting the papers in the morning, she just said ok and what's the rush with divorce....wats that mean?


Translation?

"Crap, I was hoping you'd stick around a while in case this doesn't work out".


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## aug

Basically, she's asking what's changed in your world. Curiosity.

Looks like she was expecting you to start the divorce process...


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## aug

You know, she's been thru this merry-go-round before (note her 2 kids). She'll go through this divorce emotionally stronger than you -- you need to realize this.


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## lordmayhem

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ok just text her and told her I'm posting the papers in the morning, she just said ok and what's the rush with divorce....wats that mean?


It means you're Plan B. Don't be Plan B.


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## michzz

Ripd2pcs said:


> Update ......just texted her and asked if we could meet to ta.I've then text the wife again and hav *said I only wanted to meet you today for no other reason than to talk about divorce proceedings and which road we should go down.*..still no response,just walked down to the courts and gathered all the forms to start the ball rolling with divorce.......


Time to stop communicating with her about it. 

Just file for divorce and attempt mediation (find a mediator) but be prepared to have a lawyer.

Look up on TAM-- Weightlifter's strategies on parting.


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## BashfulB

Ripd2pcs said:


> Just don't know what to do....


Yes you do. Pick up that phone and call an attorney.


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## Q tip

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ok just text her and told her I'm posting the papers in the morning, she just said ok and what's the rush with divorce....wats that mean?


The rush is for you to carry on with your life minus her. It means meeting decent ladies who would give anything to be with you...

Give MMSLP a read. Good for any guy.


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## Marduk

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ok just text her and told her I'm posting the papers in the morning, she just said ok and what's the rush with divorce....wats that mean?


Pick one that seems to resonate with you:

a) I'm getting a lot emotionally and ego-wise by having you chase me even though I'm treating you like **** and clearly bat**** insane. Please keep this going so I feel better about myself because even though all this is true, I'm clearly better than you.

b) I want to be in control whether this marriage moves forward or not. Don't you dare take that away from me.

c) I don't have everything set up yet to screw you over the biggest way I can... can you slow down please?

d) I haven't figured out what exactly you did wrong yet to put me in this position, give me some time!


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## weightlifter

Ripped. Believe it or not, there is a road up. My illustration is crude but puts things in stark ugly clarity.

Read the whole thread by poster BFF... And believe it can happen to you. Horrid beginning. EPIC win for him in the end.


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## Dyokemm

Just tell her, "Because I thought things through and decided I could not remain in a M with a cheating woman who disrespects me at every turn."

Then have her served papers at work, since POS is quite obviously a co-worker....it will confirm the water-cooler gossip that has undoubtedly already been running around about her and the POS.


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## MattMatt

workindad said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> This is basically what I was going to respond with.
> 
> She is definitely cheating. No need to be so secretive otherwise.


Unless her illness is a severe one and involves paranoia and delusions?

OP, have your wife checked out by her GP. She might urgently require treatment.


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## Ripd2pcs

UpdAte........she rang me last night and it all got very bitter,I was very emotional ( wat a dik) and told her I loved her and couldn't believe she was doing this,she told me she kissed some random bloke 2 years ago on a night out and she has never forgiven herself for it,took me by surprise,and then she said is that wat you want to hear,I said obviously not, and then she said well that was a lie it never happened.....was she looking to see how I'd react? We left it with I'm going round the house Friday morning for a chat with her....I did giv her ultimatum through text saying...do you want us to be over yes or no and I don't want to hear I don't know,she wouldn't answer..........I know I'm being her doormat once again and hate myself for it...


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## farsidejunky

*Re: Re: Seperated from wife,advice needed please*



Ripd2pcs said:


> UpdAte........she rang me last night and it all got very bitter,I was very emotional ( wat a dik) and told her I loved her and couldn't believe she was doing this,she told me she kissed some random bloke 2 years ago on a night out and she has never forgiven herself for it,took me by surprise,and then she said is that wat you want to hear,I said obviously not, and then she said well that was a lie it never happened.....was she looking to see how I'd react? We left it with I'm going round the house Friday morning for a chat with her....I did giv her ultimatum through text saying...do you want us to be over yes or no and I don't want to hear I don't know,she wouldn't answer..........I know I'm being her doormat once again and hate myself for it...


Don't be that hard on yourself. You made your case, just make sure you hold her to the yes or no answer. No in between.

But set it up so that her answering yes has some conditions in place because she clearly can't be trusted now. 

Eta: if she said she just kisssed, bank on there being more.


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## PhillyGuy13

So you are seeing her Friday? Ask her to hand you her phone, so you can check her texts, calls and messages.

Her reaction should tell you everything you need to know.

Anything short of handing you the phone immediately is a fail. Not two minutes later, while she is in the bathroom, or outside. Immediately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

Ripd2pcs said:


> UpdAte........she rang me last night and it all got very bitter,I was very emotional ( wat a dik) and told her I loved her and couldn't believe she was doing this,she told me she kissed some random bloke 2 years ago on a night out and she has never forgiven herself for it,took me by surprise,and then she said is that wat you want to hear,I said obviously not, and then she said well that was a lie it never happened.....was she looking to see how I'd react? We left it with I'm going round the house Friday morning for a chat with her....*I did giv her ultimatum through text saying...do you want us to be over yes or no and I don't want to hear I don't know,she wouldn't answer*..........I know I'm being her doormat once again and hate myself for it...


No answer _*IS* an answer_.


----------



## GusPolinski

PhillyGuy13 said:


> *So you are seeing her Friday? Ask her to hand you her phone, so you can check her texts, calls and messages.*
> 
> Her reaction should tell you everything you need to know.
> 
> Anything short of handing you the phone immediately is a fail. Not two minutes later, while she is in the bathroom, or outside. Immediately.


Better yet, have a laptop on standby so that you can completely back up the phone on the spot.


----------



## weightlifter

1) Cry yourself out beforehand so you can be ironman to her. Don't hate yourself. They dont go over being cheated on in marriage classes.
2) You could try the "When did the affair start?" path rather than "Did you cheat" I would use the "I know more than you think path." You could add if she changes and wants to R " and the only chance to reconcile is if you tell me everything who what when..."


----------



## michzz

weightlifter said:


> 1) Cry yourself out beforehand so you can be ironman to her. Don't hate yourself. They dont go over being cheated on in marriage classes.
> 2) You could try the "When did the affair start?" path rather than "Did you cheat" *I would use the "I know more than you think path."* You could add if she changes and wants to R " and the only chance to reconcile is if you tell me everything who what when..."


Bluffing like this worked for me to get the full story out of my wife. OK< never will have the full story, but way more was revealed than she would have.

Hang in there.


----------



## badmemory

Ripd2pcs said:


> UpdAte........she rang me last night and it all got very bitter,I was very emotional ( wat a dik) and told her I loved her and couldn't believe she was doing this,she told me she kissed some random bloke 2 years ago on a night out and she has never forgiven herself for it,took me by surprise,and then she said is that wat you want to hear,I said obviously not, and then she said well that was a lie it never happened.....was she looking to see how I'd react? We left it with I'm going round the house Friday morning for a chat with her....I did giv her ultimatum through text saying...do you want us to be over yes or no and I don't want to hear I don't know,she wouldn't answer..........I know I'm being her doormat once again and hate myself for it...


Ripd,

You're heading in the right direction. However;as devastated and angry as you are, you need to find a way to control your anger and emotions around your wife. You don't need to get in a back and fourth with her. To her it makes you look weak and desperate.

Maybe I'm off base, but to me it's a calm, simple conversation.

I'd tell her that I'm divorcing you because you've abandoned the marriage; and every indication is that it's because of another man. But even if that's not the case, you've still left and show no remorse for doing it. I won't wait around to be your plan B.

You don't give her a choice in the matter. This isn't grade school where she checks yes or no in the "do you like me" box. You need to show her confidence.


----------



## Marduk

Mind games. She's good at them.

Be better. Pretend if you have to.


----------



## bandit.45

Ripd2pcs said:


> What's the best way to do this......do I text her and tell her that I'm gettin the ball rolling with divorce?...do I wait until she wants to meet with me and the mention it? (who knows when that could be few days,few months) do I act like I don't care when in fact I really do? If through text do I say it and end it with take care?....so many questions and I'm so sorry but my mind is in a really bad place


No. Never tell the enemy your plans. And yes... She is your enemy.


----------



## Ripd2pcs

Ok new update, get ready for this have found out through her daughter and the in-laws that she has been having an affair since semtember...she's even had him in our house in our bed and has introduced the kids to him..also been told that they have been looking at houses together...apparently he's seperated from his wife and has a young child......I've told her that I now know through text ......and here's the head funk..she is still denying it and telling me not to listen to anyone and I've got it all wrong...what's the deal with that....


----------



## farsidejunky

You should have come back here before texting her. We would have told you she was going to do that. They will often deny even when confronted with irrefutable evidence.


----------



## FromEurope

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ok new update, get ready for this have found out through her daughter and the in-laws that she has been having an affair since semtember...she's even had him in our house in our bed and has introduced the kids to him..also been told that they have been looking at houses together...apparently he's seperated from his wife and has a young child......I've told her that I now know through text ......and here's the head funk..she is still denying it and telling me not to listen to anyone and I've got it all wrong...what's the deal with that....



this is what I see..... the A and the cheating is real, but she is'nt sure yet to call it quits with you (plan b). 
this is what you need to do:
FILE FOR D. AND GO FORWARD WITHOUT ESITATION'S. DON'T LISTEN OR FALL FOR HER MANIPULATION, LOOK STRONG AND FIRM AND DON'T BACK DOWN. 
Since ther is time before D. gets finalized you can decide later if it's something you know it should be done or if thers a chance for R. 

When I divorced i needed to wait 3 years before D. was finalized (now it takes the most 1 year here in Italy) it was a torture but made me the man that my current wife loves to be with.....


----------



## Dyokemm

Text her this and then go dark:

"you defiled our M....you defiled our home.....I never want anything to do with you ever again....you will hear from my lawyer."


----------



## warlock07

> through her daughter and the in-laws that she has been having an affair since semtember


Enough said!!

At least they seem to be decent people


----------



## weightlifter

Sorry Ripped.

Go nuclear.

oh and replace that bed. ewww!


----------



## turnera

Ripd2pcs said:


> Would a woman leave her kids with their stepfather to be with another man for 2 weeks?


IDK, would a stepfather who claims to love the kids with all his heart leave them and move out just because of what the woman does?

Guess that wasn't actually true...


----------



## badmemory

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ok new update, get ready for this have found out through her daughter and the in-laws that she has been having an affair since semtember...she's even had him in our house in our bed and has introduced the kids to him..also been told that they have been looking at houses together...apparently he's seperated from his wife and has a young child......I've told her that I now know through text ......and here's the head funk..she is still denying it and telling me not to listen to anyone and I've got it all wrong...what's the deal with that....


And they're just now letting you know this? How long have they known? Why didn't they tell you before? Why now? Did they come forward to you on their own? How did they know he was in your bed? 

I hope you got all those answers before you confronted your wife, because they may not be so fourth coming after she gets hold of them. Never the less, they certainly have no motivation to lie to you. 

You need to do an immediate 180 and start the divorce process. Then work on exposing this POS to his wife. Don't assume she knows anything.


----------



## Marduk

Go dark.

Do everything your lawyer says.

You just hit the start button on the clock. Give it days before she's home with a storm of fire and brimstone behind her.


----------



## Divinely Favored

EleGirl said:


> I agree that there is a high probability that your wife is having some kind of mental health episode. This is why she told you that she wants to kill herself.
> 
> So don't do the no contact. Interact with her according to the 180.
> 
> Is she talking to her parents? Are they aware of anything that is going on?


My sister overdosed on pills after she brokeup with her OM. Said she just wanted to go to sleep. Maybe the guilt is working on her...


.or not....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

www.cheaterville.com seems to work in some cases.


----------



## Ripd2pcs

Ok...heads in bits but finding out more and more through the family's and friends,floodgates have opened...do I tell his wife? Moral issues? Don't know how I'd feel about that.


----------



## Jasel

Im sorry but why are you even still talking to her? Why even give the heads up about divorce? Find a lawyer, have her served, stop being a doormat, and start getting angry.


----------



## bryanp

I would suggest that you get checked for STD's.

Your wife clearly has no respect for you whatsoever and has played you for a fool. Please remember these words:

IF YOU DON'T RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


----------



## EleGirl

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ok new update, get ready for this have found out through her daughter and the in-laws that she has been having an affair since semtember...she's even had him in our house in our bed and has introduced the kids to him..also been told that they have been looking at houses together...apparently he's seperated from his wife and has a young child......I've told her that I now know through text ......and here's the head funk..she is still denying it and telling me not to listen to anyone and I've got it all wrong...what's the deal with that....


Do you know anything about this guy?


----------



## turnera

Of course you tell his wife.


----------



## Ripd2pcs

All I know about him is he works in the same office as my wife....
Just had a text of the wife telling me not to start any trouble cos if she loses her job it will affect the kids more than anyone.....


----------



## Suspecting2014

Ripd2pcs said:


> All I know about him is he works in the same office as my wife....
> Just had a text of the wife telling me not to start any trouble cos if she loses her job it will affect the


She should have thought of that before sleeping with someone at work.

Is there a problem if she loses her job, like alimony? if dont go nuk


----------



## Acoa

If you plan to attempt R, then expose at work, demand she quit the job. Her "it will affect the kids" bull crap is manipulative. So, Mommy ****ing someone other than Daddy has no affect, right?

If you plan to D, then let her work there, no need to make her dependent on you.


----------



## Lostinthought61

She is the one that start this ...all your doing is finishing it....your marriage....she can always find another job.


----------



## Chaparral

The moral thing to do is tell his wife. Just like someone should have told you.

Put him on cheaterville.com too.

She already started threatening you with the kids. She's already brought him around the kids. She put him in your bed. How much are you willing to put up with. She thinks you're weak and he's strong. Show her how wrong she is. Show her how he throws her under the bus when the sh!t hits the fan.


----------



## Suspecting2014

Acoa said:


> If you plan to attempt R, then expose at work, demand she quit the job. Her "it will affect the kids" bull crap is manipulative. So, Mommy ****ing someone other than Daddy has no affect, right?
> 
> If you plan to D, then let her work there, no need to make her dependent on you.


In fact, if D you can use the job exposing as a way to get a better deal
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman

Ripd2pcs said:


> Just had a text of the wife telling me not to start any trouble cos if she loses her job it will affect the kids more than anyone.....


Oh well .... she should have thought about that one before she let that POS climb on top of her. Bad behavior has it's consequences and it's her turn to take a bite of the sh1t sandwich. EXPOSE!


----------



## turnera

Ripd2pcs said:


> All I know about him is he works in the same office as my wife....
> Just had a text of the wife telling me not to start any trouble cos if she loses her job it will affect the kids more than anyone.....


No, it will affect HER. Just more proof that she currently cares only about herself. IIWY, I would ask her boss out to lunch and have a talk about this predator OM.


----------



## Marduk

Ripd2pcs said:


> Ok...heads in bits but finding out more and more through the family's and friends,floodgates have opened...do I tell his wife? Moral issues? Don't know how I'd feel about that.


Slow down. Take a deep breath.

#1 what did your lawyer say?

#2 what have you found out?

#3 are you responding/talking to your wife?


----------



## Marduk

Oh, and I find it fascinating that she's more worried about their jobs than you or your kids.

Speaks volumes, that one does.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

turnera said:


> IDK, would a stepfather who claims to love the kids with all his heart leave them and move out just because of what the woman does?
> 
> Guess that wasn't actually true...


That's not completely fair.

A step parent first falls in love with their stepchildren as an extension of the spouse (blood parent). It develops deeper (hopefully) as time goes on but with the level of betrayal of an affair, I can see how a step parent can walk away. It's not good, it's not healthy, but sometimes it's necessary to distance themselves from the WS.

Additionally, when the divorce gets bitter (and they almost always do when an unremorseful WS finally realizes they aren't getting their way), the step parent is pushed to the side often times.


----------



## turnera

Yes, that is FAR beyond the time at which this is occurring. She did this and he was gone in DAYS, when NOTHING had been addressed or even confirmed. He just disappeared, because he was upset.

I completely understand him having to separate from them once legal proceedings occur. This was not such a case.


----------



## Chaparral

turnera said:


> Yes, that is FAR beyond the time at which this is occurring. She did this and he was gone in DAYS, when NOTHING had been addressed or even confirmed. He just disappeared, because he was upset.
> 
> I completely understand him having to separate from them once legal proceedings occur. This was not such a case.


Hasn't he been putting up with this since last Sept?


----------



## Ripd2pcs

Had talk with her today...she admitted being unfaithful emotionally since September..took a.lot but this is the blunt of it..she loves this man and is deeply sorry for how she has behaved since then..she admits it's all her fault and even said to me that she knows she is gonna regret this one day.....she is unsure about settling in new home with him but wants to try....I asked her straight out if she loves him and she said yes....of course I don't believe that this is just an emotional relationship but in a kinda twisted way i do believe that she is trying to save me from more hurt by not admitting that they are sleeping together..all she keeps saying to me is what a perfect husband I've been and I'm not to blame its all her and she never deserved me...I know a lot of you guys will strongly disagree with this but I don't want to make it easy for her to hate me...I could cause a **** storm,make her lose her job,tell her lovers wife, and cause all sorts of **** but where would that get me really....I've made a decision and that is to completely drop of the face of the earth as far as she is concerned...I do love her and hurting deeply but was there ever a chance of reconciliation..I don't think so....my last words to her were...." It's you that's gotta look back at yourself in the mirror every morning" knowing how emotionally fragile she is I know it will affect her...I know most of her friends have told her that she is making the wrong decision, but like I say she gotta live with it.....in time I know I will heal and I will always stay in contact with the children.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

turnera said:


> Yes, that is FAR beyond the time at which this is occurring. She did this and he was gone in DAYS, when NOTHING had been addressed or even confirmed. He just disappeared, because he was upset.
> 
> I completely understand him having to separate from them once legal proceedings occur. This was not such a case.


Had to go back and re-read the OP. Forgot that he took off as well leaving the kids with Bio-dad


----------



## Ripd2pcs

Always knew deep down that there was some one else...waited for kids to get home from school and explained to them what was happening,wanted to explain that I wasn't abandoning them like there mom had and that I was literally 5 mins away and that all they had to do was call me if they needed anything at all..stayed in contact throughout all of this and wasn't an easy decision to leave..


----------



## Ripd2pcs

One thing that sticks in my mind..she asked me why I never fought if I really thought she was having an affair..wat could I have done..the way I see it is I shouldn't have to fight for anything if she truly loved me.....


----------



## badmemory

I have the sense that she's only trying to placate you so that she doesn't have to endure all the consequences she deserves and can get a better divorce settlement. But she's still lying about the PA, and insulting your intelligence in the process.

I understand you wanting to just get her out of your life as quickly as you can; and you should. But on your way out, you need to inform the POSOM's wife. If she already knows, so be it; but what if she doesn't?


----------



## tom67

badmemory said:


> I have the sense that she's only trying to placate you so that she doesn't have to endure all the consequences she deserves and can get a better divorce settlement. But she's still lying about the PA, and insulting your intelligence in the process.
> 
> I understand you wanting to just get her out of your life as quickly as you can; and you should. But on your way out, you need to inform the POSOM's wife. If she already knows, so be it; but what if she doesn't?


Tell his wife please if it was the other way around wouldn't you have liked to know.
It's the right thing to do.


----------



## manfromlamancha

I agree about telling the OMW. I would say to her "I am not trying to cause any more trouble but I cannot do the wrong thing here. The OMW deserves to know and we both know that it is the right thing to tell her - she deserves to know."

And then tell the OMW the truth. Not what your wife was telling you but what you know to be the truth.


----------



## badmemory

manfromlamancha said:


> I agree about telling the OMW. I would say to her "I am not trying to cause any more trouble but I cannot do the wrong thing here. The OMW deserves to know and we both know that it is the right thing to tell her - she deserves to know."
> 
> And then tell the OMW the truth. Not what your wife was telling you but what you know to be the truth.


I wouldn't tell your WW a damn thing. Just do it.


----------



## 3putt

Ripd2pcs said:


> One thing that sticks in my mind..she asked me why I never fought if I really thought she was having an affair..wat could I have done..the way I see it is I shouldn't have to fight for anything if she truly loved me.....


Read what Bandit wrote here on another thread today and see if it doesn't ring at least a little bell for you.



bandit.45 said:


> Switching gears here....
> 
> I was surfing the wayard section of SI last night, and what struck me was the threads from the female way wards.
> 
> Many of them admitted to carrying on with their affairs and trickle truthing after DDay 1, and do you know why they say they continued? Why they lost respect for their BHs?
> 
> Because their BHs refused to hold them accountable, didn't want the details, wanted to rug sweep the whole thing. These women say they were practically begging their BHs to confront them, yell at them...give them some kind of consequence TO SHOW THEM THAT THEIR HUSBANDS CARED ABOUT THEM AND WANTED TO LEAD THEIR WIVES INTO RECONCILIATION. By not having the hammer lowered on them, they felt their husbands didn't give a crap about them or the marriage.
> 
> So they continued on with their As, the broke NC or the TTd.
> 
> Isn't that interesting?
> 
> Kinda flies in the face of all these posters who have come on here advocating soft love, don't confront, don't monitor, don't levy consequences....
> 
> Very interesting.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

Ripd2pcs said:


> Had talk with her today...she admitted being unfaithful emotionally since September..took a.lot but this is the blunt of it..she loves this man and is deeply sorry for how she has behaved since then..she admits it's all her fault and even said to me that she knows she is gonna regret this one day.....she is unsure about settling in new home with him but wants to try....I asked her straight out if she loves him and she said yes....of course I don't believe that this is just an emotional relationship but in a kinda twisted way i do believe that she is trying to save me from more hurt by not admitting that they are sleeping together..all she keeps saying to me is what a perfect husband I've been and I'm not to blame its all her and she never deserved me...I know a lot of you guys will strongly disagree with this but I don't want to make it easy for her to hate me...I could cause a **** storm,make her lose her job,tell her lovers wife, and cause all sorts of **** but where would that get me really....I've made a decision and that is to completely drop of the face of the earth as far as she is concerned...I do love her and hurting deeply but was there ever a chance of reconciliation..I don't think so....my last words to her were...." It's you that's gotta look back at yourself in the mirror every morning" knowing how emotionally fragile she is I know it will affect her...I know most of her friends have told her that she is making the wrong decision, but like I say she gotta live with it.....in time I know I will heal and I will always stay in contact with the children.


This was me a few years ago, my W said pretty much the exact same things (I was the perfect husband, blah blah blah) and it didn't become a PA until she moved out. In hindsight I should have filed for a D the day I found out, that might have woke my W up sooner. 

Anyway she moved in with her OM twice over the course of a year. I was right of course and it didn't work out, see they are addicted to the A and not so much to each other so once the A becomes a real relationship that tends to mark the beginning of the end.

Dollars to donuts your W will do the same thing. After about 2 or 3 months (6 at the most) she will be BEGGING for you to take her back. If he happens sooner to her to go the hell because what will happen (and I fell into this trap) is they come back and all is great for a while...then the OM pops back in and she is out the door again. She has to HATE the OM before R would even be an option. I did R by the way but it wasn't easy.

My advice knowing what I know now is to 180 and push her right out that door and IGNORE her for 99% of the time unless its an emergency. She has to see you move on without her to really feel the impact of what she is doing. Don't be her safety net, show her you don't need her.

Dude, its going to be some time before you're off this roller-coaster, nothing is written in stone so don't be shocked in 6 months everything is completely different from what you exepct.


----------



## Ripd2pcs

Divorce settlement doesn't even come into it neither of us have savings,no joint accounts or mortgage,as for telling the oww what would it achieve really , have already stated this, I would never wanna get back with my wife just cos I f u kk ed things up for her,3putt ..interesting post,I totally get that I really do and I think that's the trap I have fell in, but hey!we can't help how and who we are..Juan..roller coaster is spot on emotions changing hour to hour and I do intend on concentrating on me for a while, so six months later how were you?


----------



## GusPolinski

Ripd2pcs said:


> Had talk with her today...she admitted being unfaithful emotionally since September..took a.lot but this is the blunt of it..she loves this man and is deeply sorry for how she has behaved since then..she admits it's all her fault and even said to me that she knows she is gonna regret this one day.....she is unsure about settling in new home with him but wants to try....I asked her straight out if she loves him and she said yes....of course I don't believe that this is just an emotional relationship but in a kinda twisted way i do believe that she is trying to save me from more hurt by not admitting that they are sleeping together..all she keeps saying to me is what a perfect husband I've been and I'm not to blame its all her and she never deserved me...I know a lot of you guys will strongly disagree with this but I don't want to make it easy for her to hate me...I could cause a **** storm,make her lose her job,*tell her lovers wife*, and cause all sorts of **** but where would that get me really....I've made a decision and that is to completely drop of the face of the earth as far as she is concerned...I do love her and hurting deeply but was there ever a chance of reconciliation..I don't think so....my last words to her were...." It's you that's gotta look back at yourself in the mirror every morning" knowing how emotionally fragile she is I know it will affect her...I know most of her friends have told her that she is making the wrong decision, but like I say she gotta live with it.....in time I know I will heal and I will always stay in contact with the children.


You really should tell OM's wife. She deserves to know that her husband is stepping out on her.


----------



## Ripd2pcs

turnera said:


> Yes, that is FAR beyond the time at which this is occurring. She did this and he was gone in DAYS, when NOTHING had been addressed or even confirmed. He just disappeared, because he was upset.
> 
> I completely understand him having to separate from them once legal proceedings occur. This was not such a case.


Wasnt getting nothing to address or confirm! She just bailed and with the build up for months before it felt like mental torture,I have stayed in contact with the kids throughout and whenever they need me I'm there.


----------



## turnera

So? You still abandoned them. Sorry, I won't give you a pass on that.


----------



## Chaparral

What's worse is that you know the om's wife is being cheated on, just like you are, and nobody will tell you, just like they wouldn't tell you. You are just like the people that knew but would not tell you. If that were me I would be wondering what I really deserved and how I earned it.

Now that you have the chance to help someone in your exact situation, you turn your back on them too. Good luck being that kind of person.


----------



## The Middleman

Ripd2pcs said:


> I know a lot of you guys will strongly disagree with this but I don't want to make it easy for her to hate me...I could cause a **** storm,make her lose her job,tell her lovers wife, and cause all sorts of **** but where would that get me really....I've made a decision and that is to completely drop of the face of the earth as far as she is concerned...I do love her and hurting deeply.


You are making a big mistake my friend. You are a "nice guy" ... which is probably why you are in this predicament in the first place. I don't know what to say other than why are you allowing her to get away scot free? You see nice guys not only finish last, they get screwed. You have my best wishes ... I think you'll need them.


----------



## sidney2718

Ripd2pcs said:


> Had talk with her today...she admitted being unfaithful emotionally since September..took a.lot but this is the blunt of it..she loves this man and is deeply sorry for how she has behaved since then..she admits it's all her fault and even said to me that she knows she is gonna regret this one day.....she is unsure about settling in new home with him but wants to try....I asked her straight out if she loves him and she said yes....of course I don't believe that this is just an emotional relationship but in a kinda twisted way i do believe that she is trying to save me from more hurt by not admitting that they are sleeping together..all she keeps saying to me is what a perfect husband I've been and I'm not to blame its all her and she never deserved me...I know a lot of you guys will strongly disagree with this but I don't want to make it easy for her to hate me...I could cause a **** storm,make her lose her job,tell her lovers wife, and cause all sorts of **** but where would that get me really....I've made a decision and that is to completely drop of the face of the earth as far as she is concerned...I do love her and hurting deeply but was there ever a chance of reconciliation..I don't think so....my last words to her were...." It's you that's gotta look back at yourself in the mirror every morning" knowing how emotionally fragile she is I know it will affect her...I know most of her friends have told her that she is making the wrong decision, but like I say she gotta live with it.....in time I know I will heal and I will always stay in contact with the children.


You are right. SHE has to live with it, not you. Yes, you are hurt and it will take time to heal, but it will heal.

Would revenge make you feel better? I suspect not. If that's the case don't create a s**tstorm at her job, all it will do is hurt her kids. And don't contact the OM's wife, it will serve no purpose. You have no knowledge of the relationship between the OM and his wife.

This is going to be hard for you. In the US you might need a lawyer. But I have the impression that you are in the UK (forgive me if I'm wrong). And in that case I can give no advice on low cost divorces but I'd be shocked if there was no way for you to do it low cost.

Good luck fella! Life is good. There are sh*tpiles on our pathways through it, but they are just there to make the good parts stand out.


----------



## sidney2718

Ripd2pcs said:


> One thing that sticks in my mind..she asked me why I never fought if I really thought she was having an affair..wat could I have done..the way I see it is I shouldn't have to fight for anything if she truly loved me.....


There are a number of cases like this on TAM. Some wayward wives want to be fought over. I guess you were supposed to have shouting matches, thrown a few plates, made threats to beat the OM to a pulp and so on.

I guess the excitement over being the center of attention as two bulls fight over the cow is reward enough for them.


----------



## Divinely Favored

GusPolinski said:


> You really should tell OM's wife. She deserves to know that her husband is stepping out on her.


You don't walk away from a fellow soldier during a firefight
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sidney2718

tom67 said:


> Tell his wife please if it was the other way around wouldn't you have liked to know.
> It's the right thing to do.


I'm not sure. It very well may lead to the OM breaking up with his wife. What good will that do? Our OP isn't looking for reconciliation.

Or it might lead to the breakup of the OM's marriage with resulting disaster for his wife and children. Will that make anyone feel better?

There are many techniques one can use in cases like this. My advice would be to only use techniques that give the OP an advantage or something he needs. If he needs revenge, so be it. If he needs to put all this behind him as rapidly as possible, then he should keep his eyes on getting divorced and ignore other things.


----------



## happyman64

Ripd

If you want to walk away and if you think it will keep things amicable then that is your choice.

But in the U.K. I believe you have to be separated for 12 months before you can get a divorce unless infidelity can be proved.

If I were you I would ask your wife for her agreement for an instant divorce under infidelity so you can both move on as quickly as possible.

She owes you that. Make it clear you could raise hell with her job and his wife if she does not agree.

You have nothing to lose.

Just don't roll over and die.

Go out like a man and leave her as fast as possible.

And as far as fighting for her you should have said " Why would I fight for a liar and cheater that does not want to be with me?"

Now get moving ahead with your life now. Not a year from now.

HM


----------



## sidney2718

3putt said:


> Read what Bandit wrote here on another thread today and see if it doesn't ring at least a little bell for you.





> Originally Posted by bandit.45
> Switching gears here....
> 
> I was surfing the wayard section of SI last night, and what struck me was the threads from the female way wards.
> 
> Many of them admitted to carrying on with their affairs and trickle truthing after DDay 1, and do you know why they say they continued? Why they lost respect for their BHs?
> 
> Because their BHs refused to hold them accountable, didn't want the details, wanted to rug sweep the whole thing. These women say they were practically begging their BHs to confront them, yell at them...give them some kind of consequence TO SHOW THEM THAT THEIR HUSBANDS CARED ABOUT THEM AND WANTED TO LEAD THEIR WIVES INTO RECONCILIATION. By not having the hammer lowered on them, they felt their husbands didn't give a crap about them or the marriage.
> 
> So they continued on with their As, the broke NC or the TTd.
> 
> Isn't that interesting?
> 
> Kinda flies in the face of all these posters who have come on here advocating soft love, don't confront, don't monitor, don't levy consequences....
> 
> Very interesting.


In my opinion it isn't interesting at all. Filing for divorce sends a strong enough signal. Husbands do not "own" their wives. Their wives are not children. If their wives are interesting in reconciliation then they should move toward it.

Expecting their husbands to jump through hoops or play games to increase the WW's self-esteem seems to me to simply lower the WW's estimate of the BH's worthiness. 

Or, look at it the other way around. If the husband is straying and would secretly want to come back, would he expect the wife to yell and scream at him to come back? Yelling and screaming may be why he left in the first place.


----------



## Chaparral

sidney2718 said:


> I'm not sure. It very well may lead to the OM breaking up with his wife. What good will that do? Our OP isn't looking for reconciliation.
> 
> Or it might lead to the breakup of the OM's marriage with resulting disaster for his wife and children. Will that make anyone feel better?
> 
> There are many techniques one can use in cases like this. My advice would be to only use techniques that give the OP an advantage or something he needs. If he needs revenge, so be it. If he needs to put all this behind him as rapidly as possible, then he should keep his eyes on getting divorced and ignore other things.


Knowing about the affair and not doing anything about it is being a collaborator in the affair. It like the sterotype New Yorkers have gotten for not helping people getting mugged or having trouble. You just don't do that. Its cowardly.


----------



## sidney2718

turnera said:


> So? You still abandoned them. Sorry, I won't give you a pass on that.


I don't understand. They were not HIS kids. They are his step kids. The available parent was his wife. IIRC he turned them over to her family. The blame goes to the wife.

But maybe there is something here I don't understand.


----------



## sidney2718

happyman64 said:


> Ripd
> 
> If you want to walk away and if you think it will keep things amicable then that is your choice.
> 
> But in the U.K. I believe you have to be separated for 12 months before you can get a divorce unless infidelity can be proved.
> 
> If I were you I would ask your wife for her agreement for an instant divorce under infidelity so you can both move on as quickly as possible.
> 
> She owes you that. Make it clear you could raise hell with her job and his wife if she does not agree.
> 
> You have nothing to lose.
> 
> Just don't roll over and die.
> 
> Go out like a man and leave her as fast as possible.
> 
> And as far as fighting for her you should have said " Why would I fight for a liar and cheater that does not want to be with me?"
> 
> Now get moving ahead with your life now. Not a year from now.
> 
> HM


I agree with this. That's using a threat to gain something important. I favor that.


----------



## turnera

sidney2718 said:


> I don't understand. They were not HIS kids. They are his step kids. The available parent was his wife.


The 'available' parent was the FIRST parent to abandon those kids. Left them with him. And THEN - after their own mother disappeared, he - who had been raising them since before they were 5, for 7 years, who said he loved them beyond life itself - ALSO disappeared.

If he were some stranger on the street, he could have shown more concern for them than he did. He could have chosen any number of other actions to deal with this then just leaving.

Well, they know where they stand with this man who told them he loved them.


----------



## turnera

Ripd, she ASKED you why you didn't fight for her. She TOLD you that she wants you to fight to get her back. Fight to get rid of the OM.


----------



## 3putt

Sidney, are you really advocating this man roll over and take it up the keister like a b!tch in heat?

I like you, but everything you've written in this thread is just wrong. This man has done nothing but step aside and let another 'man' just take over his entire family with no fight whatsoever. I get it that he was a sh!t husband before, but that is no excuse for this behavior now. NONE. Actually, it's solidifying his WW's beliefs he's really isn't much of a husband or role model for those kids if nothing else. He's justifying her actions.

A man's gotta be a man sooner or later, and now is a pretty damned good time to start. I won't even get into the part about him not even having the balls to tell the OMW what's going on in HER life and marriage. That's nothing but pure cowardice and he should be ashamed of himself for that.

I really can't believe you wrote all that. Mind boggling. Divorce papers alone sending a message? Yeah, it'll send a message alright, but not the one I would want to convey. You want to send a message, then send a message that you won't stand for this bullsh!t without some consequences and repercussions.

Forget earning her respect at this point (and I can see why she doesn't). He needs to learn to respect himself first.


----------



## GusPolinski

sidney2718 said:


> I'm not sure. It very well may lead to the OM breaking up with his wife.


Well, if OP's WW is talking about going to live w/ OM, then I'm pretty sure that's on the horizon anyway.



sidney2718 said:


> What good will that do? Our OP isn't looking for reconciliation.


Then there's no reason NOT to expose the affair to OMW.



sidney2718 said:


> Or it might lead to the breakup of the OM's marriage with resulting disaster for his wife and children. Will that make anyone feel better?


What? No. It's not about making anyone feel better, getting revenge, or any of that. It's about doing the right thing. And, honestly, if it were my wife, I'd want to know.

Let's say that I hadn't caught my wife in her EA, and that it had escalated to a PA. Additionally, she'd confided in one of her friends that she were cheating on me. Or, alternately, OM's wife or SO became aware of the affair. In either case, I'd want to know -- I'd want that person to reach out to me to tell me what had been going on.

Hell, I'd want to know if it had happened while we were dating, during our engagement, or anytime between our wedding day and now.



sidney2718 said:


> There are many techniques one can use in cases like this. My advice would be to only use techniques that give the OP an advantage or something he needs. If he needs revenge, so be it. If he needs to put all this behind him as rapidly as possible, then he should keep his eyes on getting divorced and ignore other things.


The bottom line is that OM's wife deserves to know that her husband is cheating on her. Period.


----------



## GusPolinski

turnera said:


> Ripd, she ASKED you why you didn't fight for her. She TOLD you that she wants you to fight to get her back. Fight to get rid of the OM.


She's not worth it, IMO. Let OM have her. But let his wife know what's up.


----------



## MattMatt

happyman64 said:


> Ripd
> 
> If you want to walk away and if you think it will keep things amicable then that is your choice.
> 
> But in the U.K. I believe you have to be separated for 12 months before you can get a divorce unless infidelity can be proved.
> 
> If I were you I would ask your wife for her agreement for an instant divorce under infidelity so you can both move on as quickly as possible.
> 
> She owes you that. Make it clear you could raise hell with her job and his wife if she does not agree.
> 
> You have nothing to lose.
> 
> Just don't roll over and die.
> 
> Go out like a man and leave her as fast as possible.
> 
> And as far as fighting for her you should have said " Why would I fight for a liar and cheater that does not want to be with me?"
> 
> Now get moving ahead with your life now. Not a year from now.
> 
> HM


The law says you must be married for at least 12 months before you can apply for a divorce.

16 to 20 weeks is one quote I have seen for a "quickie" divorce.
Quick divorce : online guide to quickie divorces in UK
https://www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

Filing requires a £410 fee.


----------



## Dyokemm

Tell the OMW...it has nothing to do with whether you want R or not.

It is simply the decent and moral thing to do.

Staying silent in this regard makes you a party to their A because you are helping them to keep it secret.

And the consequences for OMW can be more that just hurt feelings...what if POS impregnates his BW in the near future...her life situation could become materially much worse, and YOU possessed the knowledge that might have allowed her to dodge the bullet.

IF she knows about the A, she may leave before such a tragic circumstance hits her, or at the least she may take measure to ensure this does not happen if she stays to fight for her M.

Same arguments can be made on the issues of STDs, family finances, etc.

OMW deserves to have all the info about her life to make these choices, and if you do not inform her, you are playing a part in any negative result that might happen to her.

Do the right thing...tell OMW.


----------



## manfromlamancha

OK Ripd, what your wife said to you is complete drivel: it's like a thief who gets caught saying to the police or judge, I did it because you didn't talk me out of it before. She knew right from wrong and went with wrong! She is completely to blame. And while she would have enjoyed the theatre, she had already made her choice.

What might have been effective would have been if you had blown up the affair in its early stages (by complete and widespread exposure by the way), the POSOM had abandoned her and fled the scene as a result and then she had hit rock bottom and snapped out of the fog. This could still be possible even now.

On the subject of telling the OMW: can you not see that this is the RIGHT and DECENT thing to do? Some people here who are advising you not to do it (and you yourself) are asking what good it would do? Well here's some answers:


It could help a woman to stop living with a lying cheat and have a better quality of life or at least be in a position to decide what to do.
It could help a woman early on to go and find someone who truly loves her instead of waiting to get dumped when she least expects it.
It could help you to sleep better at night knowing you helped a fellow soul in distress instead of ignoring her and turning a blind eye and just walking away.
It will serve the POS with part of the punishment he deserves.

So do it now!


----------



## old red

agree with the above. unless there are extreme situations of danger involved, let the omw know the truth about her own life, so she can make informed decisions.


----------



## Ripd2pcs

Listened to all your advice and have contacted the Other mans wife Through Facebook early this morning,still have had no reply as yet..


----------



## Acoa

Ripd2pcs said:


> Listened to all your advice and have contacted the Other mans wife Through Facebook early this morning,still have had no reply as yet..



If you are not her friend it may go to a spam folder depending on her privacy settings. You may want to follow that up with a friend request.


----------



## lordmayhem

Ripd2pcs said:


> Listened to all your advice and have contacted the Other mans wife Through Facebook early this morning,still have had no reply as yet..


Hopefully OM doesn't have access to his wife's facebook account and intercepts and deletes anything from you . We've seen that a couple of times here.


----------



## GusPolinski

Acoa said:


> If you are not her friend it may go to a spam folder depending on her privacy settings. You may want to follow that up with a friend request.


Yep!



lordmayhem said:


> Hopefully OM doesn't have access to his wife's facebook account and intercepts and deletes anything from you . We've seen that a couple of times here.


Indeed...


----------



## Ripper

Whatever you decided about the state of your marriage shouldn't effect your decision to contact the OMW. She deserves to know because she deserves to have a say in how this is affecting her life.


----------



## GusPolinski

GusPolinski said:


> You really should tell OM's wife. She deserves to know that her husband is stepping out on her.





Divinely Favored said:


> You don't walk away from a fellow soldier during a firefight


:scratchhead:


----------



## Ripd2pcs

Still no contact from Other mans wife....done something stupid the other day went Down to there place of work and ended up hitting the om....did feel better after wife was on the phone to me minutes after it happened shouting and swearing at me.....they have now moved in together in a house 20 mins away from me with the kids...wife has now fell out and threatening all of her family cos she didn't like the fact that I knew as much as I did....what kinda woman walks out on her kids,her animals which she cherished,falls out with her family and threatens them....I just hope she realises soon what a ***** she has been and really has a hard time with the guilt.....the way I see it one of two things are gonna happen....she stays with this bloke for several months and now it's all out in the open and the excitement of the affair is over the relationship crumbles or they live happily ever after...what's all your thoughts on that?


----------



## Marduk

Ripd2pcs said:


> Still no contact from Other mans wife....done something stupid the other day went Down to there place of work and ended up hitting the om....did feel better after wife was on the phone to me minutes after it happened shouting and swearing at me.....they have now moved in together in a house 20 mins away from me with the kids...wife has now fell out and threatening all of her family cos she didn't like the fact that I knew as much as I did....what kinda woman walks out on her kids,her animals which she cherished,falls out with her family and threatens them....I just hope she realises soon what a ***** she has been and really has a hard time with the guilt.....the way I see it one of two things are gonna happen....she stays with this bloke for several months and now it's all out in the open and the excitement of the affair is over the relationship crumbles or they live happily ever after...what's all your thoughts on that?


I think you now need to focus on your kids and you. 

And that's going to be difficult if you're in jail.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Ripd2pcs said:


> what's all your thoughts on that?


My thoughts are that you have divorce papers served up to her ASAP. Be done with her. Get the advise of an attorney for both the divorce and to protect your self from assault charges.

As far as OM wife. I have to assume she knows at this point. They moved in together. 

Even post-divorce, you can still have a good, healthy relationship with her children, if you choose to.


----------



## bigbearsfan

Well if you did hit the POSOM, I hope it was at least good one if you get into trouble with the law.


----------



## gmsisko1

Ripd2pcs said:


> Still no contact from Other mans wife....done something stupid the other day went Down to there place of work and ended up hitting the om....did feel better after wife was on the phone to me minutes after it happened shouting and swearing at me.....they have now moved in together in a house 20 mins away from me with the kids...wife has now fell out and threatening all of her family cos she didn't like the fact that I knew as much as I did....what kinda woman walks out on her kids,her animals which she cherished,falls out with her family and threatens them....I just hope she realises soon what a ***** she has been and really has a hard time with the guilt.....the way I see it one of two things are gonna happen....she stays with this bloke for several months and now it's all out in the open and the excitement of the affair is over the relationship crumbles or they live happily ever after...what's all your thoughts on that?


Odds are the affair will fizzle out, she will be broken, all involved will be broken.
I am very very sorry this has happened to you. Trust me, I feel your pain. My situation is similar


----------



## Chaparral

They have a ten percent chance of lasting three years. Three percent of staying together ten. Lol


----------



## Ripd2pcs

Yeah I know hitting the other man was silly especially in there place of work..but it has def made me feel better knowing that the there dirty little secret is now out in the open and all of her work mates will know.....all I'm hoping for know is that there relationship fizzles out and perhaps one day she will try and contact me to talk and reconciliation,just so I can have the satisfaction of seeing her destroyed when I tell her not a chance in hell....I will always see the kids as long as they want me in there life but gotta feeling even that relationship with me will fizzle out..


----------



## Marduk

Ripd2pcs said:


> Yeah I know hitting the other man was silly especially in there place of work..but it has def made me feel better knowing that the there dirty little secret is now out in the open and all of her work mates will know.....all I'm hoping for know is that there relationship fizzles out and perhaps one day she will try and contact me to talk and reconciliation,just so I can have the satisfaction of seeing her destroyed when I tell her not a chance in hell....I will always see the kids as long as they want me in there life but gotta feeling even that relationship with me will fizzle out..


The best revenge is living well.

You probably won't even know when reality hits with your ex.

I didn't. I was too busy having an amazing life to notice that my ex wasn't.


----------



## tulsy

Ripd2pcs said:


> ....all I'm hoping for know is that there relationship fizzles out and perhaps one day she will try and contact me to talk and reconciliation,just so I can have the satisfaction of seeing her destroyed ...


Stop wasting away waiting for that to happen...it may NEVER happen. 

Read up on the 180, get some hobbies, hit the gym, travel, and start moving on with your life.


----------



## GusPolinski

gmsisko1 said:


> Odds are the affair will fizzle out, she will be broken, all involved will be broken.
> I am very very sorry this has happened to you. Trust me, I feel your pain. My situation is similar


I remember reading your threads. Did your wife wind up leaving you for one of the OMs?


----------



## Ripd2pcs

Yes gus


----------



## GusPolinski

Ripd2pcs said:


> Yes gus


Sorry, OP... I was actually addressing gmsisko1.

Apologies for the mini-threadjack.


----------



## weightlifter

Lessee OP beat the OM a little and appears to not get arrested.

Call me Klingon but.

I like it!


----------



## GusPolinski

weightlifter said:


> Lessee OP beat the OM a little and appears to not get arrested.
> 
> Call me Klingon but.
> 
> I like it!


LOL, no doubt!

Qapla'!


----------



## Ripd2pcs

Finding it hard today...just seen stepdaughter and she has said wife and other man are now living together in new house and they plan on having the kids back there from Saturday onwards........heads in pieces just thinking of all the things the wife said leading upto the separation...it wasn't me,I was perfect,she never deserved me...I mean f uk we even went abroad together in May,she had already made the decision to keep the affair going,why would she still want 7 days away with me in another country...how can she just setup new house and partner within a month of us seperating,all the animals ( 3 cats and a dog) are being rehomed tomorrow, none of it makes sense.........will they really work?will she ever feel guilty? Just wish I could turn a switch and all of my feelings for her would disappear.....


----------



## turnera

Find your anger.


----------



## bandit.45

Ripd2pcs said:


> Finding it hard today...just seen stepdaughter and she has said wife and other man are now living together in new house and they plan on having the kids back there from Saturday onwards........heads in pieces just thinking of all the things the wife said leading upto the separation...it wasn't me,I was perfect,she never deserved me...I mean f uk we even went abroad together in May,she had already made the decision to keep the affair going,why would she still want 7 days away with me in another country...how can she just setup new house and partner within a month of us seperating,all the animals ( 3 cats and a dog) are being rehomed tomorrow, none of it makes sense.........will they really work?will she ever feel guilty? Just wish I could turn a switch and all of my feelings for her would disappear.....


She's a selfish sociopath. Be glad she did you a favor. Her and this new guy won't last long. 

Keep the pressure on the D.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

Ripd2pcs said:


> Finding it hard today...just seen stepdaughter and she has said wife and other man are now living together in new house and they plan on having the kids back there from Saturday onwards........heads in pieces just thinking of all the things the wife said leading upto the separation...it wasn't me,I was perfect,she never deserved me...I mean f uk we even went abroad together in May,she had already made the decision to keep the affair going,why would she still want 7 days away with me in another country...how can she just setup new house and partner within a month of us seperating,all the animals ( 3 cats and a dog) are being rehomed tomorrow, none of it makes sense.........will they really work?will she ever feel guilty? Just wish I could turn a switch and all of my feelings for her would disappear.....


She is no longer your problem, she made her bed, now let her lie in it.

Trust me, in a couple of months (give or take) she is going to realize that all she did was replace one man with another and nothing is better. She will start to miss what she had before and start "fishing" for you.

You need to turn your back on her, don't fall into the trap I did, I got 2 false R's out of it because I jump at every opportunity she gave me. I only got a true R once I got to the point I no longer cared to R (I was even dating by then).

This is very predictable, take the advice people are giving you and you will come out ahead.


----------



## happyman64

Rip'd

Rule #1:

Try not to make sense of someone else's craziness.

There is no rhyme or reason to crazy.

And nay effort you spend thinking about your crazy wife will only make you crazy.


HM


----------



## Ripd2pcs

Trust me I'm taking all advice on board.....just so bitter over everything...I still love her which doesn't help cos even though I know R isn't on the cards,how could it ever be...she has managed to make this marriage unsalvagable....I hate myself for ever loving her how I did,I hate myself for always being there for her,and I hate myself for being such a doormat ( which I know now is how this all ended up this way )......I just wanna sleep for 6 months and everything go away.....thank you all for your input it does help.


----------



## Marduk

Ripd2pcs said:


> Trust me I'm taking all advice on board.....just so bitter over everything...I still love her which doesn't help cos even though I know R isn't on the cards,how could it ever be...she has managed to make this marriage unsalvagable....I hate myself for ever loving her how I did,I hate myself for always being there for her,and I hate myself for being such a doormat ( which I know now is how this all ended up this way )......I just wanna sleep for 6 months and everything go away.....thank you all for your input it does help.


How the hell are you not filled with rage over what this lying, cheating, B has done to you and your children?

Find that, and you'll find all the answers you need.


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

marduk said:


> How the hell are you not filled with rage over what this lying, cheating, B has done to you and your children?
> 
> Find that, and you'll find all the answers you need.


I hear you, but I think that he has rage too; he's just choosing to vent the hurt now. Plenty of BS's hurt- its a human way of understanding loss. The loss may not necessarily be of a good woman- she's proven thats not the case. The loss could very well be that reality is so very different than what he understood to be true about his life.

Its also normal to feel and question yourself in these situations. Having a person you love- no matter how f'd up they are- suddenly walk out and move in with another man makes you question your value, your manhood, your claim to fame in life.. "Was I really such a loser?" "Perhaps I am less of a man than the lover she has found?" "If its so easy for her to lie, cheat, and deceive me, what does that say about me?" In time BS's come to realize that it isnt necessarily them, but the complex social relationships that humans have. We dedicate so much time outside the social sphere of home today its no wonder infidelity runs so rampant.

Feeling is how he is understanding his (now changing) environment. If you go outside to find someone trying to steal your car, you FEEL something. Maybe panic, maybe anger, certainly urgency, and perhaps even fear, but you feel something. That feeling motivates you to do something (call the police, grab a stick and attack, yell out for help, all 3, etc).

In the case of infidelity, unfortunately human reflex is to pull closer to the cheating spouse- you reason by your own feelings that to show your hurt will give the incentive to the WS to change his/her ways, and you rugsweep what you can in order to go back to the security that you had.

But you cant go back that way. The only way forward is to automatically function with fire and brimstone; here's D papers and have a nice life- I have a better life to live with people who honor me as I honor them. In this way, respect is garnished from action, and thus the only real path to R is established (if its even possible). 

Ripped, one foot in front of the other bro- its all you can do besides to let TIME elapse. Your brain right now is a neurochemical mess- deprived of dopamine, glutamate, serotonin etc, you feel sad, depressed, a lack of energy, etc. Your brain needs time to adapt to its new environment (post STBXW), at which point dopamine production begins to lead your mood back to a neutral equilibrium. Do things that challenge you and give you small dopamine releases- catch a game with your boys, work out and aim to lose some of those extra pounds, etc. Do things to better yourself...

When you need to vent, need some direction, or want device on how to move forward, TAM is here. Good luck..


----------



## Marduk

OptimisticPessimist said:


> I hear you, but I think that he has rage too; he's just choosing to vent the hurt now. Plenty of BS's hurt- its a human way of understanding loss. The loss may not necessarily be of a good woman- she's proven thats not the case. The loss could very well be that reality is so very different than what he understood to be true about his life.


Agreed.

I went through all that, too.

All I'm saying is that it all got 100% better when I got pissed off and stopped trying to figure it all out and started making my life better.


----------



## weightlifter

Channel your inner klingon. Make sure there is exposure to all family and friends.

And his employer if he used company resources to have an affair. Not a big fan of her employer exposure. Might up your alimony.


----------



## Ripd2pcs

1 day I'm angry the next depressed and crying,emotions are all over the place..it's been a week now since last contact with wife she was never honest about what exactly happened..she said it started as an emotional affair last summer and they hadn't got physical until January and she is still telling me that they haven't slept together as yet...I mean come on why still all the cloak and dagger she knows I know she had him stop over at our house cos daughter told me and she told me that he stopped on the settee,she knows I know there moving in together but again she still said that she was gonna be on her own for a while,I asked her straight out if she loved him and she said yes...why after all this is she still refusing to state the obvious.....she just expects me to walk of into the sunrise,forget about her and let her move on... She also told me that this could be one of the biggest mistakes she has ever made and she feels she will be all alone give it 3 or 4 months..I just don't get her..


----------



## bandit.45

Let the pain process through. Don't fight it. Allow the pain to flow. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to release anger, get some MMA gloves and go to a gym and work the bag. Each day will get incrementally better. 

Also, go dark on your WW. Stop talking to her. Limit your interactions to texts only, and then the talk should only be about the divorce and division of assets. 

Look... She's gone. You are never going to get a good answer from her about why she did what she did, so don't waste your life waiting for it. Somewhere along the line she fell out of love with you and in love with him. It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. 

Make sure you are eating nutritiously. If you cannot eat, go to the store and buy some Ensure or some protein drinks. You have to keep the electrolytes flowing or you can make yourself sick.

Get lots of exercise. Go to the gym, walk everyday, run around the nearby high school track, run bleachers. Lift weights....Lifting weights will release natural endorphins that will make you feel better. I recommend hiking. Getting out in nature can be very healing. 

Get good sleep. Take two or three Benadryls before bed. They will help you sleep deeper and they are not addictive. If you need something stronger go see the doctor. 

Ask your doctor about putting you on an SSRI antidepressant. Zoloft helps. It will aide you with the roller-coaster feelings you are experiencing. 

Get out of the house and don't mope. Get around people. Cling to your friends. Stay off Facebook. Come here to TAM for support. 

Do the 180. 

There is no easy way to get through this. No magic pill. You are being put through the forge.. If you have the metal in you, you will come out stronger and wiser on the other end. I'm sorry for your pain. 

You will survive this.


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## Acoa

She is setting you up as her plan B. 

Don't be surprised in 3 or 4 months when she show up crying and saying what a terrible mistake she made. If she does, realize it's a premeditated act. You can see she is setting it up now.


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## happyman64

Ripd

If my wife was playing me like this I would do 2 things.

Have Divorce papers prepared asap to serve her.

I would personally put them in her hands as she was moving in with OM.

Walk up. Hand them to her and say goodbye.

Turn around and walk away.

You need to do it so all this BS is behind you. 

She needs to see it happen, feel it happen and know you are truly done with her.

HM


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## murphy5

If MY wife were playing me like that, I would be finding rosin all over my body as she bowed the violin strings!


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## Ripd2pcs

O m w has been told now had a good long conversation with her...her fella done exactly the same as my wife...ie told her it wasn't her,it was his job and stress didn't know how he felt any more..he left his wife the day before my wife left me... ( so per planned) haven't heard a thing from the wife was expecting a barrage of texts ...but nothing....


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## GusPolinski

OMW may not have called her husband just yet. Give it a bit more time.


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## bandit.45

Ripd2pcs said:


> O m w has been told now had a good long conversation with her...her fella done exactly the same as my wife...ie told her it wasn't her,it was his job and stress didn't know how he felt any more..he left his wife the day before my wife left me... ( so per planned) haven't heard a thing from the wife was expecting a barrage of texts ...but nothing....


Are you taking care of yourself?


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## Ripd2pcs

I'm getting there bandit thanks for all ur input and advice you wouldn't believe how much everybody's input has helped......o m w went down to there place of work yesterday and confronted my wife..she refused to speak to her but her boss said you need to talk to her you owe her that much....o m w ripped into her and my wife broke down crying..when she returned back to work her boss said to her..." You reap what you sow, you Trollop". .....not a believer in karma but this helps...


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## turnera

Wow, I LIKE your wife's boss! Send him an Edible Arrangement with a Thanks card!


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## Graywolf2

Acoa said:


> She is setting you up as her plan B.
> 
> Don't be surprised in 3 or 4 months when she show up crying and saying what a terrible mistake she made. If she does, realize it's a premeditated act. You can see she is setting it up now.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You’re the old Ford that has been reliable transportation for years. She’s just trading up to a new shiny car. 

There is nothing wrong with you, it's just that the new car is better and more fun to drive. No hard feelings. 

If she can't afford the car payments she will want you back.

No matter what you say now, I can see you taking her back if she says all the right things. You will tell yourself that it's for the kids.

In fact, if I were in Las Vegas I would place a small bet on her crawling back someday and you accepting her.


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## bandit.45

turnera said:


> Wow, I LIKE your wife's boss! Send him an Edible Arrangement with a Thanks card!


:rofl:

I don't know why that struck me funny....


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## bandit.45

Have you filed for divorce yet?


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## Graywolf2

If she comes crawling back ask her: “I understand why you would want to get back with me, but why would I want to get back with you?” and wait for an answer.

I bet she’ll pull the kid card.

Hopefully, she will also pull the sex card. Use a condom.


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## LongWalk

Expect some explanation, such as, "I suffered an emotional breakdown."


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## VFW

There is way too much drama and not much constructive being achieved. First just file and get this over with, she is living with another man, so proving adultery is a given here. Second get a job and get back on your feet financially. This one isn't even worth wasting your time for cowboy, just ride off into the sunset.


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## Ripd2pcs

Yeah have filed for divorce, wife rang me yesterday and asked me to stop contacting the o m w cos she said she is going through enough at the minute and has a baby to deal with as well...can you believe the audacity...she was also crying on the phone and kept asking me again and again if I hate her...and she kept saying she wants to be on her own....I told her I didn't hate her but really don't wanna hear from her anymore and to leave me alone she's made her choice along time ago and watched me humiliate myself over and over...she just kept saying I'm sorry and crying then I hung up.......head games again know I shouldn't of answered phone


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## farsidejunky

She is screwed up, brother. For you own sanity, detach. Move on.


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## Acoa

You see her for what she is now, her mind games don't have the power they once did. Stay strong.


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## turnera

You did good, you told her the right stuff. And ignore her hogwash about the OMW. Maybe some day she'll see it was HER hurting the OMW.


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## happyman64

Ripd

When will the divorce papers be served?

Until then ignore her.

Once the papers are served then only discuss the D and the separation of assets.

You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

That is all on her.

Go have a great life.

HM


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## Yeswecan

Ripd2pcs said:


> Yeah have filed for divorce, wife rang me yesterday and asked me to stop contacting the o m w cos she said she is going through enough at the minute and has a baby to deal with as well...can you believe the audacity...she was also crying on the phone and kept asking me again and again if I hate her...and she kept saying she wants to be on her own....I told her I didn't hate her but really don't wanna hear from her anymore and to leave me alone she's made her choice along time ago and watched me humiliate myself over and over...she just kept saying I'm sorry and crying then I hung up.......head games again know I shouldn't of answered phone


You stood firm in your resolve! Commendable!


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## aug

Ripd2pcs said:


> Yeah have filed for divorce, wife rang me yesterday and asked me to stop contacting the o m w cos she said she is going through enough at the minute and has a baby to deal with as well...can you believe the audacity...she was also crying on the phone and kept asking me again and again if I hate her...and she kept saying she wants to be on her own....I told her I didn't hate her but really don't wanna hear from her anymore and to leave me alone she's made her choice along time ago and watched me humiliate myself over and over...she just kept saying I'm sorry and crying then I hung up.......head games again know I shouldn't of answered phone



She's been thru this merry-go-round before. She was divorced before I assume. She knows the process.


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## Ripd2pcs

Just spent few hours with step daughter she was saying how happy her mom seems, this just confirms to me that when the wife speaks to me it's all lies and manipulation..just don't understand when we divorce we got no assets,mortgage,joint loans or anything that ties us really....why still all the mind games............on a lighter note had drink round friends the other day and met a lovely woman, she asked for my number and been texting each other since,she's asked to date this weekend....onwards and upwards,jus wish I cud turn these feelings for my wife off..


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## bandit.45

Ripd2pcs said:


> Just spent few hours with step daughter she was saying how happy her mom seems, this just confirms to me that when the wife speaks to me it's all lies and manipulation..just don't understand when we divorce we got no assets,mortgage,joint loans or anything that ties us really....why still all the mind games............on a lighter note had drink round friends the other day and met a lovely woman, she asked for my number and been texting each other since,she's asked to date this weekend....onwards and upwards,jus wish I cud turn these feelings for my wife off..


Well this lady should help you with that if all goes well.

Stop talking to your wife. Seriously. Texts only, and then only about D matters.


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## weightlifter

Dude. Getting your lance waxed does WONDERS for your shattered ego.


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## Chaparral

weightlifter said:


> Dude. Getting your lance waxed does WONDERS for your shattered ego.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq_qL79lejA


You need a brand new girlfriend.


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## tom67

Chaparral said:


> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq_qL79lejA
> 
> 
> You need a brand new girlfriend.


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## warlock07

Next time she calls, tell her that you absolutely hate her as a person and that the moment you met her is the moment you regret most in your life and these 8 years were absolutely waste of your time.

that should end her guilt tripping calls.



> My wife and I have been married just over 8 years ( together 9 ) 2 children ( hers ) 14 and 15 all of which I love with all my heart.....





> Just spent few hours with step daughter she was saying how happy her mom seems


Ripd, did she need you financially when you got together?


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## Ripd2pcs

Yes warlock she was in a very bad place when we first met....kinda feel like I was just a stepping stone whilst the kids were young.........gettin easier by the day now and meeting new woman has helped emensely.......again thanks for all the posts and encouragement from all you guys....you wouldn't believe how this forum has helped....


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## Marduk

Ripd2pcs said:


> Yes warlock she was in a very bad place when we first met....kinda feel like I was just a stepping stone whilst the kids were young.........gettin easier by the day now and meeting new woman has helped emensely.......again thanks for all the posts and encouragement from all you guys....you wouldn't believe how this forum has helped....


You're starting to get perspective and you're seeing that other women will be more than happy with you.

These are good things.

I've been there. I remember sleeping with the first girl after my ex wife left and I found out she had been cheating on me. Which explained the sexless relationship.

When I walked the new girl to the door and closed it I fell on the floor bawling my guts out because someone actually wanted me.

So I get it.

Keep the perspective. Go ahead and get out there (within reason and consult your lawyer before doing anything that could be grounds for her to claim infidelity)...

But just let the relationships with the women you are dating be what they are. Fun, ego boosting, and re-learning what you want and mate selection.

Do not fall for the first one. Keep everything in context, keep them light and fun, and just enjoy yourself for a change wouldja?


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