# Reconciling after infidelity years ago but trust issues never went away. Is it worth saving?



## BeeHarris99 (7 mo ago)

Hi. First post but have been browsing for a while. I will try to keep this brief and try to summarize so it’s not too lengthy.

Long Version (Go to bottom for short summary):

My husband (43) and I (40) have been married 12 years together 16. It has been rocky from the start. Our issues include lack of communication, major trust issues, betrayal, previous infidelity, lies and deceit and failure to work on marriage.

We get into this cycle of him doing something to me, me saying I’m done after several attempts at trying desperately to get him to work on things because his nonchalant attitude had me feeling abandoned. Craving the attention he gives when trying to win me back. Abandonment issues have me apologizing for everything that wasn’t my fault just to not be abandoned in the moment…..me feeling like I have no choice but to act and leave. Him having a delayed reaction and suddenly wanting to resolve issues after seeing I’m really done. Showering me with loads of promises to change. Me feeling so great and loving the attention. Me taking him back because I never wanted to be done to begin with but was pushed. Immediately feeling regret for begging someone who hurt me but stick through it. Things being fantastic for a while and the cycle continues.

H and I began dating in early 20s and it seemed like a fairy tale for first 2 years. Seemed like the perfect guy: showering me with affection, putting so much effort into our relationship, great job, church member, volunteered to mentor at risk youth… So I thought. Then I found out he had lied about having a child he had no contact with. Was still in communication with ex. Flirting with her. She did not know about me. I found letters in his closet. I naively stuck around requiring he prove to me that he was serious about us. And how could this “perfect guy” on paper turn out to be a monster. I thought everyone have mistakes so I overlooked it. He also used religion to pray we stayed together.

Fast forward. We married. Had twin girls. Years into the marriage I found out he was texting a different ex a few hours away once we start having problems. We already weren’t really speaking much because of other problems when he began reaching out to her. I checked phone records, emails, and eventually found a reservation to a theme park and drove there to find him with her. He stayed at the park with her. I went to friends for a few days. He never contacted me during these days I left.


The gut punch of him letting me go so easily, made me do crazy things like contacting him to work it out. Affair lasted for months. Counseling didn’t work. I gave up when he was still blaming me and having affair during counseling.

I realized I may have possible abandonment and rejection issues because I should have left then but didn’t without yelling and wanting to punish him. NEVER IN FRONT OF KIDS. I eventually separated no divorce filed. He begged me back daily. It felt good to be wanted. After 2 years of separation, flowers, crying for another chance, admitting faults, and apologizing, I gave in.
I tried to forgive and didn’t bring it up much but I felt so much anger. At myself for allowing him to treat me this way and me asking to work it out initially. No consequence to him. Also had immense trust issues. He did great by giving me access to his phone. I didn’t check but felt good to me to know I could. Had access to all email accounts.

I began to get suspicious. No particular reason why other than him not answering right away but calling me back. Me belittling him each time I felt insecure about him cheating. Me suspicious when he would go out of town for work. Him not really caring to work it out. But when I leave, beg me back.

I began snooping. Nonstop. He never found out but it was almost a weekly thing. It took over me. Never found him doing anything. Still had moments of anger years later that I held in but came out as me being cold. I would leave the house briefly (store runs) when feeling too angry and fearing lashing out. Every time he went out of town I felt a very anxious feeling. I never regain trust and held this to myself. It felt awful.
I got the strength to leave and told our daughters but my oldest became depressed. Acting out and thinking of herself negatively asking that we please don’t leave daddy. She cried to her teacher. No longer interested in studies when she used to be a perfectionist
It broke my heart so I stayed. I feel so confident in my decision to leave as long as he’s not agreeing we should end. The minute he agrees, I feel afraid of being left and say no let’s work it out please. I would leave if I told him I wanted divorce. He told me he didn’t but I pursued anyway. I know I need help with this and it’s my issue. I’m hot and cold and all over. I’m codependent

Eventually he said he wanted divorce because of me being hot and cold. He contacted attorney. Felt abandoned again. Did not want counseling and he’s terrible at communicating. About 6 months after I planned to leave. Once again, feeling abandoned, I begged him to reconsider. He did and we are working on marriage.

My gut tells me he is cheating but could be my insecurities. I have no proof at all. Other than him being out of town right now for work. Called him and he didn’t answer right away so I immediately assumed cheating. Now I want to step away after so desperately asking for another chance but I have no proof of anything. Things are great between us besides the trust issues in my head.

I called my insurance to company to schedule individual counseling to work on myself but the copay is too expensive for me right now. Apartments are also too expensive to move out on my own. I would not get alimony because we make about the same amount. My girls will be devastated if we divorce. They assume we are happy. We never ever yell in front of them. 

Short Version: Marriage is rocky. Trust issues from H’s infidelity years ago. No reason not to trust but me snooping all the time. H gave up saying I will never love or trust him again so we should divorce. Convinced him to change his mind and now unsure again now that trust issues make me so anxious. I have no reason not to trust him but make up stories in my mind when he is unavailable for reasonable amounts of time. I have abandonment issues and not trusting me own decision making that keep me from leaving. Can’t afford therapy for my kids or I. Can get an apartment but would be living with every penny accounted for. Along with our girls Being traumatized if I leave.

Do I leave a marriage that’s beginning reconciliation? Husband being transparent and working to rebuild. My trust issues have not resolved after years. I think I already know the answer but I’m scared financially and worried about the effects of divorce on my kids. Do I leave or stay while i work on trust and abandonment issues? What if I work through and see it was me all along and want to come back? I need to get to a point where I feel confident making these decisions on my own


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds to me like some genuine trust issues and those are creating the insecurities. Could you go with your husband on any of these business trips? What about a surprise visit? Would you be comfortable to surprise him one time when he had to go out of town? Has he told you what he does in his free time when he is out of town?

Your fear of abandonment more than likely comes from an issue from childhood that did not get resolved......a parent that was not available to you, a parent that left. Somewhere a fear was created. What happens when you are alone and your husband is out of town? Can you go out with a girlfriend? Can you enjoy time by yourself? Does your husband remind you of one of your parents?

Your husband sounds emotionally unavailable and you are not only looking for reassurance but you want a mutually loving involved partner in your life which I think is fair. You blame yourself for the emotions you feel thinking there is something wrong with you. You pull away because your emotional needs are not being met by your husband. When you pull back he then moves forward and when he moves forward you then feel good about the relationship. Is your husband aware of your need for emotional intimacy? Can you set up time to talk about your day? Or can you tell your husband that you could use a hug and some understanding, or do you feel you have to shoulder your hurt and just be strong? 

It does not sound like the marriage is a total loss. I think some behaviors have to change and part of that might come down to agreements and setting a guideline.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

I agree completely with the response you’ve received above. We understand H had an A and I’m sorry that this happened. You can’t live with the “always wondering” if he’s up to something. You need to see a therapist for yourself and you both need marriage counseling. You also need to understand why he did what he did. You both need to communicate during these sessions and together. Good luck.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Looks like Bee has departed.


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