# They said moving in above her mother would destroy us...



## StevenA310 (Dec 27, 2017)

.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You can't move?

You don't actually get paid? You know, money?

Screw the finances, move. 

And if your wife thinks she has to chose between you two, then your wife is part of the problem. She should have chosen YOU without even thinking about it. She should have lit into her mother like a wildcat to protect you even if you weren't there. 

The first time my mother said something negative about my wife around me I hammered her, telling her in no uncertain terms I chose Mary and it was only an accident of fate that I am my mother's son. I was not polite, and I was not quiet. I was belligerent and very rude, and said if she wanted to see me again she better shut her damned mouth up about my wife unless she has only nice things to say.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Your thread title is ironic given the contents of the thread. Because indeed, moving in above her IS ruining you.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And note, if your wife actually cared about your marriage I think she would happily go live in the car with you and the baby rather than spend another day there.

You CAN move.

So move. If your wife is more attached to her mother than to her family, her real family, then you do know where the real problem is.

But people let the fear of an uncomfortable night rule their lives, don't they.


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## StevenA310 (Dec 27, 2017)

She feels we won't get this much space for this rent (which is below market-rate, but not much...did I mention her aunt owns the house?) We love the school district...our daughter loves her school, and her big room. And moving out, except to buy our own house (which we can't afford to do right now) would probably all but end her relationship with her mother. She is afraid of this...which I think is part of the problem. Even though she is well aware she is a "witch" (her words) her constant encouragement that we give-in to "placate" must make the woman feel she has this power over us.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

All economic garbage. You would let that ruin your marriage?

If your wife is afraid of ending her relationship with her mother over bad actions on the part of her mother, then her mother owns the relationship and will make it whatever her mother wants it to be. Her mother never has to be civil as long as the daughter, your wife, is afraid to break the bond to enforce correct actions.

If your wife actually wants to save your marriage she should choose you and be willing to loose her mother's relationship. Either her mother will straighten up or lose out. If your mother in law won't change, you loose nothing but misery anyway. 

If your wife does not see it that way then your wife has already in fact made a choice. She chooses her mother. Over you.

Edit: In a year's time when you see the misery you have lived through and end up divorced, you will really love all that material wealth you managed to save up, I bet.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If moving will end her relationship with her mother (how is that even normal that a married adult with a child is operating in that dynamic) that goes to show just how unhealthy a living situation this is. Get out now. This is ruining your marriage. Actually you aren't in a marriage. You are in a marriage triangle.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

These all sound like YOUR objections, and quite frankly many of them seem childish and petty. Why pull your wife into it?

If you have a problem with the behavior, how about you put a stop to it? Perhaps her mother would respect you if you showed a little backbone.


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## StevenA310 (Dec 27, 2017)

Really? What sounds childish and petty? I have stood up to her before, and it led to an explosion...in front of my child, which I regretted...but I feel that she did respect me a little more once the smoke cleared. Nevertheless, my wife always puts pressure on me to be the one who apologizes, even though SHE is the one being childish.

I was also wondering if someone here, specifically, agrees with her that I should've offered her a ride two blocks just because I was in the car, in the driveway, with the motor running, having just gotten back?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Here's a few:

She didn't give you a father's day card until after midnight. You're not her father, are you?

You have to lug gifts upstairs? I suppose you mean gifts that she purchased for you and your family. How rude of her to expect you to carry them. I suppose if she gave you a winning lottery ticket you would complain that you now had to go collect the winnings.

She wants you to wait to open them until she is present? What a jerk! How dare she want to be part of things? She should just buy the presents and get lost.

She never says your kid looks like you? Well, maybe she doesn't think she does. I guess she should just tell you what you want to hear.

I don't generally like to use the term "man up" but it really does apply here. Why do you need her to thank you for shoveling the driveway? Doesn't sound like she has a car, so who did you actually shovel it for? 

If you have such a problem with your mother in law doing her laundry when she does, tell her to do it another time. If you didn't want to drive her somewhere, tell her so and take your wife out of the loop. 

Are you afraid of your MIL? She may never respect you, but she surely won't if you keep hiding behind your wife. Your wife does not want to confront her mother and quite possibly does not agree with you that she is such a big problem. Handle it yourself. If your wife becomes angry with you for doing so, at least you will know your position in the hierarchy.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It was a ****ty move not to give her a ride to the bus.
Let me tell you something about dealing with asses,if you don’t rise above it and actually drop down to their level that makes you an ass as well.Im certain your wife is fed up dealing with both of you but you sound like a child with your complaining.
You may have some genuine points but come on dude,you have to carry presents up the stairs?,that’s not such a big deal in reality.
If you really want to meet a mother in law from hell I’ll introduce you to mine.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, you're living in a situation that causes drama and will eventually erode your marriage because your daughter likes the school district, has a big bedroom, and you're paying slightly less than market price in rent? Really?

Move out! Bedrooms are primarily for sleeping, your kid doesn't need a large one. You can live in district or move to another school district where your daughter will find new friends to enjoy. Slightly under market value isn't much of a deal when your unhappy with your living situation.


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## StevenA310 (Dec 27, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> It was a ****ty move not to give her a ride to the bus.
> Let me tell you something about dealing with asses,if you don’t rise above it and actually drop down to their level that makes you an ass as well.Im certain your wife is fed up dealing with both of you but you sound like a child with your complaining.
> You may have some genuine points but come on dude,you have to carry presents up the stairs?,that’s not such a big deal in reality.
> If you really want to meet a mother in law from hell I’ll introduce you to mine.


Yeah, well, you're missing the point that she walks the 3 minutes to the bus every day. So I felt, in my exhausted 2-hours-of-sleep state, "Why should today be any different?" BTW, I have to take my kid to school on the city bus tomorrow (which I don't mind) because my wife will have the car for work. MIL will be plopped inside with her car in the driveway. Guess who doesn't feel he's owed a lift?


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## StevenA310 (Dec 27, 2017)

zookeeper said:


> Here's a few:
> 
> She didn't give you a father's day card until after midnight. You're not her father, are you?
> 
> ...


OK, re-reading this today, yes, complaining about lugging gifts up the stairs seems silly. But you all don't get the big picture. It's a constant presence, a constant taking-over. Christmas Eve, wife and I arrived home from visiting my family expecting to just put our child to bed and have a nice Xmas eve, being basically done. MIL brought my wife (who'd been up since 3am for work) close to tears by insisting she come down and help wrap, even though she'd wrapped tons of gifts for her mother earlier in the week without being asked to. 

None of these things she does for us is surrounded by warmth or love. She acts as though we ASK for all this. And owe her for it. There's a difference between spoiling your granddaughter at Xmas, and turning the day into an overwhelming barking-orders-at-us production. Yes, she does have a car. She just expects the snow all to be done, ASAP, even though she's not going anywhere. And we do it because we're nice, and not lazy. But an occasional thank you would be nice.

Re: Father's Day. No wise guy, I'm not her father, but I'm the father of the love of her life, her granddaughter. And at a family gathering I had to watch her shower her sister's boyfriend in affection and gifts while I stood there ignored. Now do you get it?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

More whining but no action? How's that working out for you?

You sure like being the victim...


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## StevenA310 (Dec 27, 2017)

zookeeper said:


> More whining but no action? How's that working out for you?
> 
> You sure like being the victim...


Thanks so much for your help, Zookeeper.

The whole thing's blown over anyway. She probably realized she was being petty and calmed down.

Oh, and it was hard to "take action" today when wife works first half of day, I work second half of day, and MIL works ALL day.

We don't all have all day to troll.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Move.

It really is that simple.

But you just can't stand the idea of actually having to pay your own way, can you?

Or did your wife say she won't move with you?

Do you expect people here to help you learn to cope with your mother in law living downstairs? Unlikely. They will tell you to go live somewhere else. Get some distance. 

They were right when they said moving in above her mother would destroy your life.


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## StevenA310 (Dec 27, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Move.
> 
> It really is that simple.
> 
> ...


We are paying our own way. When did I state otherwise? There are two apartments. We pay our rent, she pays hers.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Then you should have no problem affording another place.

You said you stay because you cannot afford another place. Or was it because you cannot afford another place quite so posh at such a cheap price. So you trade peace of mind for posh surroundings?

Ever heard the Country Western song line "We ain't had no hard times at all"? Living miserably in a mansion is not acceptable.

I would not accept your living arrangements if the aunt was offering free room and board and a college fund for your daughter. But you sell your happiness cheap.

I would chose a hovel any day, and keep my happiness, and dance with my wife every evening across the tiny space between our bed and the counter.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

StevenA310 said:


> Thanks so much for your help, Zookeeper.
> 
> The whole thing's blown over anyway. She probably realized she was being petty and calmed down.
> 
> ...


Carry on. Complaining to your wife is working great. Not sure why you posted here in the first place. You seen to have a good handle on things.


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## StevenA310 (Dec 27, 2017)

zookeeper said:


> Carry on. Complaining to your wife is working great. Not sure why you posted here in the first place. You seen to have a good handle on things.


Just blowing off steam, I guess. Other than that, not sure why I posted here either.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

StevenA310 said:


> Just blowing off steam, I guess. Other than that, not sure why I posted here either.


Next time just say so.


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## StevenA310 (Dec 27, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Then you should have no problem affording another place.
> 
> You said you stay because you cannot afford another place. Or was it because you cannot afford another place quite so posh at such a cheap price. So you trade peace of mind for posh surroundings?
> 
> ...


Trust me. It is not a mansion, and it is not posh, and we are not rich. We're working class. I guess it's near impossible to paint the full picture on a message board. But thanks for your input. At least it's real advice and not insults. We will be discussing a move.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

If it's two separate apartments why does mil come to yours for laundry? 

Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

StevenA310 said:


> Really? What sounds childish and petty? I have stood up to her before, and it led to an explosion...in front of my child, which I regretted...but I feel that she did respect me a little more once the smoke cleared. Nevertheless, my wife always puts pressure on me to be the one who apologizes, even though SHE is the one being childish.
> 
> I was also wondering if someone here, specifically, agrees with her that I should've offered her a ride two blocks just because I was in the car, in the driveway, with the motor running, having just gotten back?


I couldn't finish the thread without posting.

Stop. Just Stop. 

WHO CARES if you give her a ride or not. Who cares what she thinks of your daughter's hair. Who cares about her vision of your life, your marriage, AT ALL.

I'm sorry but she has no rights within YOUR MARRIAGE. It's a MARRIAGE. This means it's between YOU AND YOUR WIFE.

I have seen this so many tiimes. Manipulative, unhealthy MILs who want to control their children and thus their marriages. Most often this creates tension and could lead to divorce.

Do you want that? Are you ready to put your foot down? If you can't move out you're going to have to set some boundaries with which you feel comfortable and respect those boundaries.


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## StevenA310 (Dec 27, 2017)

Sbrown said:


> If it's two separate apartments why does mil come to yours for laundry?
> 
> Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk


The machines are in our kitchen.


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## StevenA310 (Dec 27, 2017)

Omego said:


> I couldn't finish the thread without posting.
> 
> Stop. Just Stop.
> 
> ...


Thank you. You get it.

First thing I'm addressing with my wife is, when we pull into the driveway, child and bags in tow, her instinct is to go right to her mom's house, leaving me to bring everything (including child) in myself. She did this Christmas Eve, and tonight when I was in a rush to leave for work. She needs reminding which door is OUR house.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

StevenA310 said:


> Thank you. You get it.
> 
> First thing I'm addressing with my wife is, when we pull into the driveway, child and bags in tow, her instinct is to go right to her mom's house, leaving me to bring everything (including child) in myself. She did this Christmas Eve, and tonight when I was in a rush to leave for work. She needs reminding which door is OUR house.


Look buddy you came here for whatever reasons but when anyone offers you advice you change the storyline to make yourself the victim.
Here’s some advice.
Buy a ****ing lock for your door!
Does that help at all.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The washing machine which your mother in law is supposed to use is in the kitchen of what you claim is a separate apartment?

You don’t live in separate apartments. You live with your mother in law. There is no separation of those two living quarters. No real tenant would live like that. 

Besides which your wife seems to still live at home. She made her choice. You are second fiddle to her mother. You have much bigger problems than fact your apartment should have locks your mother in law can’t open. After all, your wife will open any lock. 

I think your only hope is to move as far away as you can, without needing to commute too far, and try to decrease your wife’s dependence on her mother. 

I do believe your wife’s choosing her mother over you is a truly serious threat to your marriage.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Move to a smaller place since you don't have the balls to stand up to MIL and lay down your rules in your own apartment and you get all bent out of shape because she doesn't offer you coffee when you're shoveling snow and she doesn't give you a Father's Day card in a timely fashion and you don't know how to install a lock on your apartment door and/or turn her away when you desire your privacy. 

Move. Even if it's a smaller, less comfortable place. 

It won't do anything about your inability to "man up" but it will cover many of the troubling symptoms. 

_"Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven." _ - John Milton


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

*move !!!*


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Your problem: you complaint too much, but do little to man up and put a stop to your problems.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

StevenA310 said:


> MIL brought my wife (who'd been up since 3am for work) close to tears by insisting she come down and help wrap, even though she'd wrapped tons of gifts for her mother earlier in the week without being asked to.
> 
> Yes, she does have a car.


Why does MIL walk 2 blocks to the bus when she has a car?:scratchhead:

Also, BOTH you and your wife have trouble saying no to her. Why on earth didn't she say no to wrapping presents? Both of you need to get a backbone.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So let me get this straight - you wanted to MOOCH 'free babysitting' off your wife's mother and now you're whining that your MIL is Satan's sister and you're not even getting all the free babysitting you thought you deserved because her mother works for a living.

Too bad, so very very sad for you.

The truth is, her aunt owns the house and you couldn't afford this much square footage out in the real world so you jumped all over this deal and your wife just sweetened the pot with supposed 'free and convenient babysitting.' Blame your wife all you want for having convinced you to move there, but you took this deal because you couldn't get the same deal anywhere else so own your ****. 

You bought your ticket, you take your ride.

Your petty sense of self-entitlement is off the charts. Most of the utter nonsense you post about is so childish that it doesn't even deserve a response. You just think the whole damned world owes you something. I actually laughed out loud when you whined like a little beyotch that your MIL didn't give you a Father's Day card 'until after midnight.' She didn't need to give you one at *ALL*. You're not her damned father. Jesus, I keep feeling like we're dealing with a whiny female teenage drama queen and then I remember we're not. 

You're paying the price for wanting her family to provide you with lower rent and free babysitting. Don't like the price you're paying for the reduced rates you're enjoying? Then move the hell out and into something you CAN afford. Your kid won't be hospitalized for trauma just because you move her to a smaller space for God's sake. She's not a hothouse flower. And your wife's idiot excuse for not wanting to move out is pure nonsense. Where did you live BEFORE you moved above her mother? Had her mother written her off when she wasn't living in the room above her in this duplex?

You need to man the hell up and take care of business. Stop the freaking whining and drama queen antics; you're making yourself look like a whiny little tool.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Move, and here are your responses. 

1. Finances. Sure it will be tighter, but imagine a relaxing Saturday at home along without your MIL comments and criticisms. 

2. Wife and MIL They promise to change make things, better, point out the advantages of the arrangement. Do get swayed, stand up. Wife temporarily in a bad move, don't worry, that will change and she will adjust.


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