# 3 years post DR. Seems like it may start again. thoughts



## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

*3 years post DD. Seems like it may start again. thoughts*

Thread typo. Sorry

3 years post DD. Seems like it may start again. thoughts

Quick background. Back in 07/12 my wife had an EA with (OM) second cousin. Calls, texting and sexting involved. Lasted about 4 months. With much help from this forum, I exposed, nc letter was written, got passwords and access to EM and social media.

We spent lots of time together and began R. All good until now. Out of the blue she sent a friend request on FB 2 days ago, which I unfriend yesterday. I monitor on occasion and caught this. She didn't say anything. I confronted yesterday and she said she would like to keep the family relationship going. I told her thats not going to happen. I asked her to pick whats more important that or our marriage. She said out marriage. She loves me and bla, bla, bla. 

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Same as when the first EA occured. I just don't want to and will not go through that ever again. Well today she sent another friend request which was accepted. No text have been sent, no calls, no FB messages, no emails. So I can't prove contact has been made other than FB friend reuqest. 

Am I being paranoid for no reason? Over reacting? I just don't see the point of OM seeing her post of what we are doing together and with family. It feels like she is the fish and waiting for OM to break no contact..

what do you guys think?

Thanks.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

*Re: 3 years post DD. seems*

?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: 3 years post DD. seems*



AngryandUsed said:


> ?


:scratchhead:


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

*Re: 3 years post DD. seems*

I saw your first thread.
How r u doing?
How is your marriage ?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If my husband did that, he'd be coming home from work to find all of his stuff packed and out on the front step in garbage bags.

I would have hit the roof that she even did it once. But TWICE? Right after you gave her the choice? This is BAD.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yes you should be concerned but don't let on anymore and observe.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> If my husband did that, he'd be coming home from work to find all of his stuff packed and out on the front step in garbage bags.
> 
> I would have hit the roof that she even did it once. But TWICE? Right after you gave her the choice? This is BAD.


I like this approach also.
Is this a dealbreaker for you?
And with a relative, ick.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Two years out, I would also be concerned. Is she dealing with mental health issues? Other than straight disrespect and a total lack of understanding about the gravity of the situation and how serious this is, the only other thing I can think of is that she cant handle the pressure/work required to have a healthy marriage with you and is looking to sabotage the process to make you be the one that calls things off.

Are you two still in counseling? If so, I would bring this up in the next session. There really is no way to see this as anything other than a breach of NC. She may be trying to see if you are serious about consequences, and is testing the waters.

I'm assuming you discovered the new friend request and she did not tell you she sent it. It doesnt matter if they did not talk. NC is "no contact", not "no talking," she sent the request, he accepted. Thats contact. 

I'm at a loss for advice to tell the truth. My gut says you need to make sure there are real and serious consequences for this breach of boundaries, but I also get the feeling that there is more to this, as you _just_ told her how you felt, and she did it anyway.

I'm sorry man, but you are not making too much out of this, it is serious.


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

My bad for those that say my original post. I fat fingured and sent it before I was able to finish typing. 

AngryandUsed - Marriage has been great. We moved to another part of the state about one year ago. New place, new environment new everything. Communication has been great. Get along great. Perhaps better since R began. 

For the longest time while I was monitoring, OM blocked her and things were great. Now this bull crap. For some reason this happens before we go on vacation. Seems like deja vu. Leaving tomorrow, I'll monitor during vacation and proceed if I find anything new when we return. Many family members will meet up with us and kid have been looking forward to this all summer. I've been carrying the NC letter with me since then. Tonight, I will give it to her so she remember. 

Paladin - No MC since shortly after DD. 



.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You are not over reacting. She is fishing for him again. All is not as well as you think. I would have used the garbage bags as well for her stuff, but that is my personality and will not work for all cases.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: 3 years post DD. Seems like it may start again. thoughts*



this is bad said:


> Thread typo. Sorry
> 
> 3 years post DD. Seems like it may start again. thoughts
> 
> ...


She tried to sneak around and you caught her. Catching her is not a victory my friend. It's an opportunity for victory though. You need to be emotionally strong and make her know you're worth much much more than she's giving you. You have no choice. She's got to leave the house for a while. Anything less is you proving to her that you're gullible and emotionally weak. That you can be fooled and played. That the other guy is the thing she can't have. Screw that. She needs to think that you're the guy she can't have because she's not good enough for you.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

At this point I would be filing divorce papers. She has to know what she is putting on the line for this fantasy. Then you can go ahead with it or not, depending on what she does.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

this_is_bad, is her cousin going to be part of the family members that you will be seeing during your vacation?

If so... This IS bad. I'd have to wonder if she wanted to talk with him through FB before hand to try to "work something out" for when you all meet.

Either way, 2 years ago you had her send a NC letter and 2 days ago she tries freinding him on FB. You call her out on it, then she does it again anyway... Not good.

I'd print up divorce papers and leave them where she can find them. When she asks you if you are going to be divorcing her, you respond with "You tell me!"...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You had 3 years to prepare in case she did it again. Have you separate the finances? No joint credit cards or loans?

If not, it's not too late to start preparing now.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Yes, bad. Something is up, you feel it and you know it. I agree I'd be planning an exit strategy... 
...and how are you handling the 2nd cousin OM? He doesn't get off scott free, within the family or externally.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: 3 years post DD. Seems like it may start again. thoughts*

You know what to do.

She voted against your marriage.

Anything less than going nuclear on her will guarantee disaster.

That said, I think it is clear she isn't that into you. You told her no and she went against that before the conversation was even cold.

Don't be timid. And don't be afraid of losing her. She isn't afraid of losing you. :-(


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: 3 years post DD. Seems like it may start again. thoughts*



clipclop2 said:


> You know what to do.
> 
> She voted against your marriage.
> 
> ...


The old saying...
You have to be willing to end it in order to save it.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: 3 years post DD. Seems like it may start again. thoughts*

And sometimes you have to be willing to end it to save you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: 3 years post DD. Seems like it may start again. thoughts*



clipclop2 said:


> And sometimes you have to be willing to end it to save you.


I think (in this case) shock and awe, no emotion which will show you are moving on.
Okay let's get to the limbic brain.
Chat up some of the women and make sure w sees it.
Just throwing it out there.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

*Re: 3 years post DD. Seems like it may start again. thoughts*



this is bad said:


> We spent lots of time together and began R. All good until now. Out of the blue she sent a friend request on FB 2 days ago, which I unfriend yesterday.


I'm confused, who is this friend?

If this friend turns out to be the OM, then she's fishing for renewed contact. There should be consequences if this is the case.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

She friended the dude twice after DDay? - once after you told her no? And your not sure what do do.??

Yes, I agree you've had a few years to get your ducks in a row while carefully reconciling, not becoming complacent and let this happen and not know what to do. 

What were your terms of reconciliation? NC was one of them, right. Yep, you need to tell her you or the OM. 

I would be so p!ssed. AND to ruin a vacation is another slap. 

Yikes, sorry. This is not good and you have some decisions you should make. 

Reconciliation is so scary. I'm starting to think that there are many false ones because of being Leary of how "great" things are. 

No FB friending. Silly.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Cancel the vacation. Tell the family why. Tell them the idiot you married is back to her old tricks and is cruising for a divorce.

Go see a lawyer and make it real for her this time. No more Mr. Nice Guy.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Poor thiisbad.
How long do you want to James Bond?
Lord Mayhem asked if this new friend "unfriended" by you and later befriended by your wife is the OM. If he is the OM, it seems to me that NC and three years had no effect, as there was no consequence to her.
Take control of your life.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to read the mmslp book linked to below. There is a reason your wife is seeking a more manly relationship. Unless she is just psychologically broken, you are not filling the male role she needs. That you are back asking what to do is pretty strong evidence you need the mmslp book and you have no idea why women are attracted to men.

Good luck


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, if she is this brazen to throw this in your face and then double up and rub it in, you need to go back and check every record you can for the last three years. Emails, texts, phone calls, deleted facebook messages etc.

I'm guessing she is nearly gone.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

The real question is what are you going to do about it?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Lol spy mode wont take long...
I would sit back, collect then facebook the second infraction complete with censored pics and transcripts.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

If this friend request was for the OM from 3 years ago, you need to go to a lawyer immediately. She has to know what she is going to lose. She is really bold to try and friend him again. 

Total disrespect for you and your marriage. Don't tell her, SHOW her the consequences of her actions. After 3 years, she is SHOWING you she doesn't really care what you say or do.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Indeed. If this is the same OM, then this is breaking NC, no doubt about it. It matters not if he responded with any communication. 

I guarantee you if my fWW friended the OM, it's over. No R, no discussion, it's just plain game over.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> Indeed. If this is the same OM, then this is breaking NC, no doubt about it. It matters not if he responded with any communication.
> 
> I guarantee you if my fWW friended the OM, it's over. No R, no discussion, it's just plain game over.


Yes, I took OP's post to mean WW's EAP of years prior (second cousin). She says it's to regain family relations because they are family but he's her former AP too. :scratchhead:


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That was especially brazen of her to send a second friend request after you deleted the first one. What does that tell you?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Rugs said:


> Yes, I took OP's post to mean WW's EAP of years prior (second cousin). She says it's to regain family relations because they are family but he's her former AP too. :scratchhead:


That's how I read it, too.

Regardless of whether her reasons have any logic for the FB friend request, the fact remains that NC was a line in the sand which OP clearly notified his wife about. Regardless of how reasonable that line in the sand is, it is his line in the sand.

I can understand the desire on his part to give her the benefit of the doubt with the first friend request. She did give an explanation with some logic, and it would be tempting to hope it was a true explanation. He was put in a no-win situation with that friend request - either he divorced her over it or he gave her a second chance which would weaken the boundary.

But the second friend request seems like a spit in the eye, an intentional act of defiance. It cannot go without strong response. Or, if he allows the contact he then cannot object to any other contact with this OM. She has forced the issue.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

It doesn't matter if they are family or not. Once you go there, you can't go back. NC was in order and she broke it. Plain and simple. If she wanted "family relationship" with this guy, she should have thought about that before having an affair with him. 

She doesn't want anything more from him than what he offered her before, an escape from her current life and a boost to her ego. She doesn't want a family relationship with him now. 

And yes, the second friend request was total defiance. She doesn't care.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

If she tries contacting her cousin again, I'd hand her a banjo and tell her that he can have her.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> If she tries contacting her cousin again, I'd hand her a banjo and tell her that he can have her.


40 some odd years later and that guy still sends a shiver down my spine. Just creepy as hell.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Btw, if she is this brazen to throw this in your face and then double up and rub it in, you need to go back and check every record you can for the last three years. Emails, texts, phone calls, deleted facebook messages etc.
> 
> I'm guessing she is nearly gone.


Listen to Chapparral, he is right. She is nearly gone.

You are not meeting her needs in one way or another. You need to re-read MMSLP, and do it tonight.

The most Alpha thing you can do now is to let her know you won't tolerate this crap and kick her out. If it were me, I would be cancelling the holiday, explaining that you won't tolerate this crap and move her out. The next time you see her is at MC.

She needs to know who the man is in the house.

All this gender equality crap on the news makes me absolutely sick now. "Equality" just gets mixed together with "Same" which is about as far from the truth as you can get. Men and women are very, very different - and that is a great thing.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ThisIsBad, trust your gut. The gut never lies. If your gut tells you she's fishing for her cousin then stand by your boundaries and don't take her crap.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> If she tries contacting her cousin again, I'd hand her a banjo and tell her that he can have her.


Again?? No, no, no. The 2nd time, directly in your face, was "again".

Like bandit said... your gut knows. Hell, your EYES know.

And, I repeat:
"I'd be planning an exit strategy... 
...and how are you handling the 2nd cousin OM? He doesn't get off scott free, within the family or externally."


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

We he won't be back to clarify things because he's on vacation. No internet access there I guess.


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

Thanks for your replies. 

Up here it's hard to get service. 

I gave her a copy of the NC letter that was sent. It seems WW didn't realize FB friending meant the same thing. I told her it did. We spoke for a while and she broke down in tears. Saying it was never her intension to reconnect the same as before. Now we have 20 years of marriage. WW says she doesn't want to throw this away. She is willing to go back to MC when we return. 

The first time around, I exposed the OM to his mom. Ww and OM don't have a close relationship, he is a distant relative. They have seen each other 2 time since WW and I have been together. OM lived in another part of the state many hours away. All of this happen over FB. Back in 2011, I spoke to OM and told him he can have her. I was ready to drop her off. He said it was very wrong what happen and apologized and not to divorce her. He would block he on FB, which he did for a long time. 

I have documments to fill out but that was in another county. I'll have to visit a lawyer in the county I'm currently in. We don't get back for another 2 weeks. This trip was planned a long time ago, our 2 kids and they are having the time of their lives. The only family her is my parent and my sister 2 kids. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry to hear that man.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"WHAT? you mean contacting him on FB (where the affair was last time) breaks the NC agreement? after you told me twice?? how was I to know!"

wow. that's some atomic level gaslighting there.

yes, more MC, I guess. Why does she keep going back to him? the whole cousin thing makes it even weirder.

good luck


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

this is bad said:


> I gave her a copy of the NC letter that was sent. It seems WW didn't realize FB friending meant the same thing. I told her it did. We spoke for a while and she broke down in tears. Saying it was never her intension to reconnect the same as before. Now we have 20 years of marriage. WW says she doesn't want to throw this away. She is willing to go back to MC when we return.


:bsflag:

You do know that's BS don't you? You state this affair was thru Facebook in the first place. He/she was blocked for a reason, and then she tries to friend him again? She knew damn well what she was doing. *She just thought it was safe to do it and thought you weren't monitoring her anymore*.

This just proves that he is still in her heart and the affair isn't over in her mind. Do you want to continue to be 2nd place? It's up to you.

If my fWW reconnected with OM again on Facebook, it's game over automatically. She knows it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

lordmayhem is right. The thoughts of her OM never really left her mind. As you now know for sure, he still in her mind. She never let the OM leave her head. It'll always be there.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's taking you for a ride.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

aug said:


> lordmayhem is right. The thoughts of her OM never really left her mind. As you now know for sure, he still in her mind. She never let the OM leave her head. It'll always be there.


Yep.. Until you see remorse, which also includes a whole change on how they see them, you simply can't reconcile. It will always be that fantasy of 'forbidden love and bad timing' instead of 'I f'n hate that a'hole!'.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The other day I was looking at my wife's phone. There was a kind of bizarre text message from a number I remembered as the OM's. Turned out it wasn't. The number was the same except for two of the last digits. I traced the number. I think it was a wrong number.

Still it set me back. I did not say a word to my wife and have not said anything.

If the number had matched the OM's I would not have said a word and would just file for D, end of story.

I gave my wife too many chances in the past to have to go through this again.

If it was me, I would have remained cool and just monitored things. At this point you really don't know why she tried to renew contact other then her BS story.

I suspect she was trying to hook up again and since you were going there for vacation she thought this is the opportunity to hook up physically. That is just my opinion. 

I know my extended cousins and they meet once a month or so. Most of my first cousins that I grew up with are fairly distant now, but there is a group of second counsins that meet on a regular basis. Ironically not one of my first counsins are FB friends but I have several second counsins that are.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I have a younger second cousin twice removed whom sort of grew up with. She was/is beautiful and we always had a bit of a crush on each other growing up. In high school she moved away but we wrote letters and kept in touch. There was a period of a couple years during high school when I did not see her. 

Then when I turned eighteen I saw her at a family reunion and she was stunning...took my breath away. She had been cute growing up but now she was breathtaking. We ended up sitting together all night and flirting like mad...two eighteen year olds with hormones raging. She called me the next night and we went to a movie....again we flirted but nothing more.

She left to go back home that week, but about a week after that she sent me a letter thanking me for showing her a good time...then she hit me with a bombshell...

She wrote she was hoping I would have made the moves on her during her visit, and that she gladly would have had sex with me, and that she had been hoping I would have been the one to have taken her virginity, since she knew me so we'll and trusted me.


RRRRRRRRRaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr.......:banghead:


If there had been a dog nearby I would have kicked him. issed:


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Bandit, eeeeeee!!!!


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

*Re: Re: 3 years post DR. Seems like it may start again. thoughts*



bandit.45 said:


> She wrote she was hoping I would have made the moves on her during her visit, and that she gladly would have had sex with me, and that she had been hoping I would have been the one to have taken her virginity, since she knew me so we'll and trusted me.
> 
> 
> RRRRRRRRRaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr.......:banghead:
> ...


Im surprised you weren't rereading her letter to sitting in a greyhound bus, or waiting to board a plane. When I was reading your post and got to the part about her wanting to see a movie with you, I thought for sure you would be writing that you two had crazy teenager sex later that night. 

Your post also makes me so grateful for not being a teen and dealing with high school mentality anymore. Had she turned to you in the theater and said "hey, im having an awesome time with you, wanna move to the back and make out?" you would have rocked her world, and she yours, but high school mentality makes her think that you can read her mind, and leads to not getting what either person wants.

The problem is that some people carry that mentality well beyond high school, and that tends to cause a whole bunch of drama that shouldn't really exist.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I have a younger second cousin twice removed whom sort of grew up with. She was/is beautiful and we always had a bit of a crush on each other growing up. In high school she moved away but we wrote letters and kept in touch. There was a period of a couple years during high school when I did not see her.
> 
> Then when I turned eighteen I saw her at a family reunion and she was stunning...took my breath away. She had been cute growing up but now she was breathtaking. We ended up sitting together all night and flirting like mad...two eighteen year olds with hormones raging. She called me the next night and we went to a movie....again we flirted but nothing more.
> 
> ...


Say it isn't so!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> I suspect she was trying to hook up again and since you were going there for vacation she thought this is the opportunity to hook up physically. That is just my opinion.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I have a younger second cousin twice removed whom sort of grew up with. She was/is beautiful and we always had a bit of a crush on each other growing up. In high school she moved away but we wrote letters and kept in touch. There was a period of a couple years during high school when I did not see her.
> 
> Then when I turned eighteen I saw her at a family reunion and she was stunning...took my breath away. She had been cute growing up but now she was breathtaking. We ended up sitting together all night and flirting like mad...two eighteen year olds with hormones raging. She called me the next night and we went to a movie....again we flirted but nothing more.
> 
> ...




I am really disappointed in you. Why did this story not end with you immediately buying a bus ticket to go help her out???


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

workindad said:


> I am really disappointed in you. Why did this story not end with you immediately buying a bus ticket to go help her out???


You know I honestly don't remember what was going on at the time. I should have though.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> You know I honestly don't remember what was going on at the time. I should have though.


There were several occasions when I was younger when if I had just made the move I would have been in like Flynn, but I didn't recognize the signs. I wish I had been a little sharper when I was younger.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You know I honestly don't remember what was going on at the time. I should have though.


You should have done he old popcorn trick:rofl:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If I read your 1st post right---you unfriended her, from her cousin, and told her to stay unfriended, and she friended him anyway-----what does that tell you-------she plain out defied you----question is what is she trying to prove----is she trying to find out how far you will go, or will you bring consequences at all

You need to take her off all electronics (Computer/Cellphones of any kind) for the present time-------as for a phone---if you don't have one---put in a land line---she does not get to use any type of cellphone---and please do NOT tell me she can't function w/out one---the world functioned w/out cellphones for THOUSANDS OF YEARS, and did very nicely.

If she breaks your no-electronics boundary---then tell her D is on the table then and there


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

this is bad said:


> Thanks for your replies.
> 
> Up here it's hard to get service.
> 
> ...


SHE KNEW THE LIMITS. After the A and being in R she not knowing what NC means is just a BIG LIE and very offensive to you.

*

SHE KNEW THE CONSEQUENCES OF BREAKING THE LIMITS. You need to know if she loves you, and is in love with you, and if she still have feeling for OM. Sorry but that’s the only explanations.

*

NO CONSEQUENCES. It means that she now knows that can do anything she wants because if you catch her nothing is going to happen.

*

Anybody that is still married after and A knows the need of NC as it will lead to reestablish the A.

*

You should ask her why and get the real answer!

*

And at least show her some consequences for the pain she is INTENTIONALLY causing you again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

Agree with everyone advocating: consequences, consequences, consequences. Family or not, who cares? Second cousins can legally marry in most states. Do you think blood is enough to stop this from going physical? Are you okay with the blatant show of disrespect?

One more thing: document, document, document. Because it's a family member she's cheating with it will look much, MUCH worse for her if this comes out in the open. How many people know of what happened before? Threaten to tell everyone if she connects with this guy EVER in ANY way shape or form. 

And make good on your threat if she does.

You played nice, she betrayed you. Time's up, rules change.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

there's no way you can possibly believe her. she didn't know. What a crock especially when she did it again after you told her no.

she thinks you're an idiot. don't prove her right
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

At this time while on vacation internet is limited. I'll monitor from here when possible. I unfriended before speaking to her about it. She sent another friend request before I spoke to her about it. Two things occured before I sat down to speak with her. Once we spoke friday night she quickly unfriended, broke down in tears. Said it wasn't her intention to fish or cintinue were they left off. Apologized over and over. I plain flat out told her, mistake or not. No more, its over. Im still going to get the paper work started when we return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

this is bad said:


> At this time while on vacation internet is limited. I'll monitor from here when possible. I unfriended before speaking to her about it. She sent another friend request before I spoke to her about it. Two things occured before I sat down to speak with her. Once we spoke friday night she quickly unfriended, broke down in tears. Said it wasn't her intention to fish or cintinue were they left off. Apologized over and over. I plain flat out told her, mistake or not. No more, its over. Im still going to get the paper work started when we return.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well said!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

this is bad said:


> Marriage has been great. We moved to another part of the state about one year ago. New place, new environment new everything. Communication has been great. Get along great. Perhaps better since R began.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm going to guess that your wife does not perceive the marriage as well as you do. Otherwise, why would she attempt to reconnect with someone... EVEN WHILE YOU ARE MONITORING HER??? I bet she's been "yessing" you to death, but in the background she still wants the thrill of talking to her cousin. 

Yeah, marriage counseling and/or divorce papers.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> I'm going to guess that your wife does not perceive the marriage as well as you do. Otherwise, why would she attempt to reconnect with someone... EVEN WHILE YOU ARE MONITORING HER??? I bet she's been "yessing" you to death, but in the background she still wants the thrill of talking to her cousin.
> 
> Yeah, marriage counseling and/or divorce papers.


You really need to know is she loves you and if she is in love with you!

There is no point in keeping spying, MC, IC, etc. if she just doesnt wanna be with you!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not sure I completely understand this.

She had an affair with a cousin and you blew it up and asked her to go NC.

Then she went ahead and connected with him without telling you (for whatever reason she chooses to give you).

This is a straightforward case of not only breaking NC but also your trust once again.

Your only decision now is based on how many chances are you going to give her and what is really driving her to do this ?

If you believe, that she still wants to connect with this guy and lie to you about it (even if lying by omission) and also is still seeking outside validation or sex, then drop her like a hot potato!


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sadly, you are doing the right thing.

she still a liar. and she thinks you're an idiot which is the most egregious. 

it will be interesting to see what theatrics she pulls out as the divorce proceeds.


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

I don't think you answered this question, so I will ask again: how many people in her family know that this has happened?

You need to publicly burn her. Don't do it in the whiny, girly-man fashion that a lot of guys do full of melodrama. Call her parents.

"I'm planning on divorcing your daughter. The reason why is that I caught her cheating on me with [second cousin]. I'm calling because I wanted you to know the truth."

Talk to other members of the family you speak with on at least a regular basis.

"[Cousin/Aunt/Uncle So-and-so] I wanted to let you know that I've always enjoyed our time together at [insert activity here]. Unfortunately I am planning to divorce [wife] for cheating on me with [second cousin]. I regret that we may not be able to do [insert activity here] anymore."

She'll be pissed as hell at first. Ignore it. Don't argue. You don't care anymore.

Exposing can be shady if you want to reconcile after a PA. Sometimes it's better if people don't know. But the difference is that in a PA your partner understands that having sex with another man is wrong. They might try to excuse it "it didn't mean anything" or "it was just sex," etc, but they know they wronged you.

In an EA I'm convinced that exposure is the answer. Since he's her cousin, it casts an unbearable shame on the family. I would imply without saying it that there was a PA. Phrase carefully so that you are telling the 100% truth.


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