# Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't know it?



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I'm just curious about folks thoughts on this. My neighbor to me is a stand up dude. From the outside looking in he appears to be a good father and husband. My issue is with his wife. Don't get me wrong she is nice to everyone. Except him.

Even in casual conversation around people she is always putting him down. She'll say things like "he never would have had a chance with her when she was younger". She berates his lack of income but he is actually doing pretty well. She makes a fraction of what he does. 

He also isn't allowed to go anywhere. And by anywhere I mean even a ten minute errand is disallowed. When she talks bad about him he is standing right there and doesn't even say anything. 

She will also talk bad about him when its just me. When this happens I point out his good qualities. Basically she sees herself as cool and him as a dork. 

I've invited him over to watch a ball game on numerous occasions and he seems to look forward to it but she always shuts it down. I was actually hoping to have him witness how a couple that respects one another lives. 

Its really bugging me, but I don't think I can really offer him much help because I'm not really close enough to him to give him this type of advice. At this point I've just resigned myself to watching him get verbally abused and taking it. You know its bad when my wife talks about it.

Sorry, I just needed to vent. I don't think it would be right for me to tell him to grow a pair. It really isn't my business. But geez its so hard to see day in and day out. He's dang near 50 so I doubt he'll change anyway.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I'm just curious about folks thoughts on this. My neighbor to me is a stand up dude. From the outside looking in he appears to be a good father and husband. My issue is with his wife. Don't get me wrong she is nice to everyone. Except him.
> 
> Even in casual conversation around people she is always putting him down. She'll say things like "he never would have had a chance with her when she was younger". She berates his lack of income but he is actually doing pretty well. She makes a fraction of what he does.
> 
> ...


As long as he has support from the group hell be ok. Make your displeasure known. To the wife and the husband. He's not a doormat, his wife is currently being an a-hole.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

*Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't kn...*

And it really is not your business to give advice where advice is not asked for... So to tell him to grow a pair you open the door to coming between them. 

However, I somewhat disagree with the above reply. You could find ways to support him without getting in the middle. This is not easy, but just being a friend is all you can do for him. Find opportunities to stop and talk with him when you get home from work or when you see him outside doing work in the yard, etc. Just be careful to not go in the direction of critiquing him or his wife. Continue to find opportunities to invite him over and maybe start by inviting both of them over. Find a non-threatening occasion to have them both over and show that you are not providing some chasm in their relationship.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

treyvion said:


> As long as he has support from the group hell be ok. Make your displeasure known. To the wife and the husband. He's not a doormat, his wife is currently being an a-hole.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In theory that sounds good Treyvion but what happens when he goes behind closed doors? The group won't be there then. Ideally my hope is that he at least sticks up for himself. I'm 100% pro marriage, but I do think he could at least tell her to stop talking down about him in public.

She does advise the other wives that they give their husbands too much freedom, but everyone is pretty much like "whatever".


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

*Re: Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't kn...*



drerio said:


> And it really is not your business to give advice where advice is not asked for... So to tell him to grow a pair you open the door to coming between them.
> 
> However, I somewhat disagree with the above reply. You could find ways to support him without getting in the middle. This is not easy, but just being a friend is all you can do for him. Find opportunities to stop and talk with him when you get home from work or when you see him outside doing work in the yard, etc. Just be careful to not go in the direction of critiquing him or his wife. Continue to find opportunities to invite him over and maybe start by inviting both of them over. Find a non-threatening occasion to have them both over and show that you are not providing some chasm in their relationship.


Agreed, thats whats so frustrating about this. I literally know that I can not do anything. If I tried to influence him in a way that adversly affects their relationship his wife would every right to view me as toxic.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Mail an anonymous letter addressed to both of them that says: 

"You should divorce your wife. She treats you like **** and we're embarrased for you. You can do so much better than her. Time to take those balls out of her purse and file.

Sincerely, Everybody"


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

*Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't kn...*



ReformedHubby said:


> Agreed, thats whats so frustrating about this. I literally know that I can not do anything. If I tried to influence him in a way that adversly affects their relationship his wife would every right to view me as toxic.


You need to find an opportunity to show her you are not toxic. If could invite both of them over for a BBQ on Monday (holiday), and just show that you are non-threatening this is your "in". Is this a possibility?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Mail an anonymous letter addressed to both of them that says:
> 
> "You should divorce your wife. She treats you like **** and we're embarrased for you. You can do so much better than her. Time to take those balls out of her purse and file.
> 
> Sincerely, Everybody"


LOL, definitely a funny post but not practical in real life. It does make me wonder though. Why marry him if you don't fancy him. Does my wife ding me? Absolutely. But in my case she talks about my snoring or my inability to cook. Cute things that all couples make fun of each other about. In his case its pure venom.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

*Re: Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't kn...*



drerio said:


> You need to find an opportunity to show her you are not toxic. If could invite both of them over for a BBQ on Monday (holiday), and just show that you are non-threatening this is your "in". Is this a possibility?


Funny you should say that. I have invited them over twice before. As a couple they will show up. He just can't come solo. Honestly complete strangers that have never met them make the same comments when they leave. I guess its hard to explain, but if you talk to her it really doesn't matter what the topic is. Somehow it always comes back to something he can't do, or doesn't do well enough, or how lame he is. His reactions differ he either has a half smirk or no expression at all.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I used to feel compelled to rescue everyone from themselves and their spouses. I'm so OVER it. If people want my advice they will ask for it otherwise I will leave them be.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

*Re: Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't kn...*



ReformedHubby said:


> Funny you should say that. I have invited them over twice before. As a couple they will show up. He just can't come solo. Honestly complete strangers that have never met them make the same comments when they leave. I guess its hard to explain, but if you talk to her it really doesn't matter what the topic is. Somehow it always comes back to something he can't do, or doesn't do well enough, or how lame he is. His reactions differ he either has a half smirk or no expression at all.


So, ask them over leave some unfinished project out ready to complete and ask him for help. If she makes the off-handed comment that he can't do it, you simply smile and ask him to help you anyway. 

He may not be adept to doing certain projects, that is Ok. These are teachable moments to help both him and her. If you know anything about changing out the cartridge in a Moen shower fixture, this would be an awesome project. It definitely is one that takes both strength and technique (especially if the cartridge is stuck). These are ways to not get in the middle why helping him and frankly her out.

ETA: the main thing you are not rescuing him like he is an abused puppy, you are simply being a friend.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I used to feel compelled to rescue everyone from themselves and their spouses. I'm so OVER it. If people want my advice they will ask for it otherwise I will leave them be.


You are right. This is why I haven't said anything. But...it tugs at me because I've seen quite a few people nit pick and demean their spouses to death and then wonder why they check out of the relationship. 

I said nothing then either, but I can't help but wonder if the occasional, "dude chill" from me might have helped save the marriage of at least one of my friends. I think quite often the offending spouse doesn't know they are causing as much damage as they are. But in her case, I'm pretty sure she is aware. Perhaps its just inevitable.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've got the gift of insight so I see things that others NEVER see. I've tried to save a few marriages and so far have been largely unsuccessful. Most after my help end up finding their spine and divorcing. 

And it's not always sunshine and unicorns after the divorce either. So then I'm left wondering if I made things worse? I wonder would they have done better staying asleep? I mean there are kids involved. 

Keep in mind these people didn't ask for my help. I put my nose in and before long I was in deep. I became their counselor on speed dial. LOL


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

*Re: Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't kn...*



drerio said:


> So, ask them over leave some unfinished project out ready to complete and ask him for help. If she makes the off-handed comment that he can't do it, you simply smile and ask him to help you anyway.
> 
> He may not be adept to doing certain projects, that is Ok. These are teachable moments to help both him and her. If you know anything about changing out the cartridge in a Moen shower fixture, this would be an awesome project. It definitely is one that takes both strength and technique (especially if the cartridge is stuck). These are ways to not get in the middle why helping him and frankly her out.
> 
> ETA: the main thing you are not rescuing him like he is an abused puppy, you are simply being a friend.


Thanks, I'll take your advice. Besides I could use help finishing up my patio. I am not going to wife bash. I'll just work on the project with him and talk guy stuff. I'd imagine he needs an outlet. Although, this is a pretty strenuous task so not ideal for a get together. Hopefully (for once) she'll let him come over alone.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I've got the gift of insight so I see things that others NEVER see. I've tried to save a few marriages and so far have been largely unsuccessful. Most after my help end up finding their spine and divorcing.
> 
> And it's not always sunshine and unicorns after the divorce either. So then I'm left wondering if I made things worse? I wonder would they have done better staying asleep? I mean there are kids involved.
> 
> Keep in mind these people didn't ask for my help. I put my nose in and before long I was in deep. I became their counselor on speed dial. LOL


I agree, trying to intervene to be a MC (which would be the role here) where MC is not asked for spells disaster. 

However, trying to make in-roads to be his friend may pay dividends. If not for the marriage at least for him. We are tribal animals anyway, and this is just an extension of where we evolved from.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

*Re: Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't kn...*



ReformedHubby said:


> Thanks, I'll take your advice. Besides I could use help finishing up my patio. I am not going to wife bash. I'll just work on the project with him and talk guy stuff. I'd imagine he needs an outlet. Although, this is a pretty strenuous task so not ideal for a get together. Hopefully (for once) she'll let him come over alone.


This is what I am talking about. However she probably should be invited over after the project is done to see what he could do. Share some lemonade with you, your wife and the two of them. Who knows?


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## CoffeeKev (Aug 31, 2013)

I am pretty relentless on people that treat their spouse like garbage. They way I figure, if we treat others how we want to be treated... Then here we go, Because I totally want others to be brutally honest with me. But what I have found the most is that, when you challenge the jerk, whether male or female. they back down RIGHT AWAY. 

Just walk up and tell them you have been publicly belittling them, the way they treat their spouse, smile and thank them for teaching you how not to be. They will either run for their lives, or act like they have the guts to fight, and give up within a couple days.

I am a sucker for the underdog. :smthumbup:
Ya never know, that little act of "You're an idiot, stop it!" might earn you a new best friend.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm a sucker for the underdog too only now I know the potential for what happens behind closed doors. It's easy to defend someone because you get to go back home. They however have to stay with the belittling spouses. Each of our actions have consequences that aren't readily seen.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I was trying to think of some pithy remark you could say when the wife starts bad mouthing the husband. Something that doesn't cross the line but shuts her up. I got nothing.

I hate it when women do this type of things it makes conversations very awkward and uncomfortable. I don't know, maybe you can say something like, "Well this is awkward" then change the subject. Maybe she will clue in that it's inappropriate.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I'm a sucker for the underdog too only now I know the potential for what happens behind closed doors. It's easy to defend someone because you get to go back home. They however have to stay with the belittling spouses. Each of our actions have consequences that aren't readily seen.


Bingo. This. Its not my place to interfere. I'm just tired of hearing it. I often day dream about him "manning up" but I know it is unlikely. Although he is older and they just recently got marrie,d she is his first wife and he really didn't do a whole lot of dating before they met (her words not mine). I fear I am projecting onto him what I'd do. Who knows? Maybe he is perfectly happy with the way things are.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

*Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't kn...*



ReformedHubby said:


> Bingo. This. Its not my place to interfere. I'm just tired of hearing it. I often day dream about him "manning up" but I know it is unlikely. Although he is older and they just recently got marrie,d she is his first wife and he really didn't do a whole lot of dating before they met (her words not mine). I fear I am projecting onto him what I'd do. Who knows? Maybe he is perfectly happy with the way things are.


My husbands boss (male) is kinda like this only they've been married for 20 years. She picks on him constantly and on the surface it looks like she's a b1tch. Thing is she's not. He's a pain in the ass but you don't see that side of him unless you know him well. We've chosen to limit our time with them because we don't want to hear it either.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

*Re: Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't kn...*



Mavash. said:


> My husbands boss (male) is kinda like this only they've been married for 20 years. She picks on him constantly and on the surface it looks like she's a b1tch. Thing is she's not. He's a pain in the ass but you don't see that side of him unless you know him well. We've chosen to limit our time with them because we don't want to hear it either.


This is good. We always have to remember everyone has a story. Befriending him may reveal a lot more about the story. It may also help without being too intrusive. I really hope this works out well.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> I'm just curious about folks thoughts on this. My neighbor to me is a stand up dude. From the outside looking in he appears to be a good father and husband. My issue is with his wife. Don't get me wrong she is nice to everyone. Except him.
> 
> Even in casual conversation around people she is always putting him down. She'll say things like "he never would have had a chance with her when she was younger". She berates his lack of income but he is actually doing pretty well. She makes a fraction of what he does.
> 
> ...


Yes. I look at most men as my brothers. Certainly good men.

Unlike many folks I do believe men can rediscover their inner man. Moany if no most men are very alone in this world. Even if they have friends they have been programmed that they must suck it up and that somehow be a man is wrong. It gets beat into guys. Men should just sacrifice. That being a man is somehow shameful.

We could debate the reasons for this but in general I encourage both men and women to have self respect.

Many women have similar issues. They were told they had yo cater to men and somehow work harder and expect less. 

Pretty messed up. You can support those folks but ultimately change comes from within. But any progress is good progress.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

*Re: Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't kn...*



drerio said:


> And it really is not your business to give advice where advice is not asked for... So to tell him to grow a pair you open the door to coming between them.
> 
> However, I somewhat disagree with the above reply. You could find ways to support him without getting in the middle. This is not easy, but just being a friend is all you can do for him. Find opportunities to stop and talk with him when you get home from work or when you see him outside doing work in the yard, etc. Just be careful to not go in the direction of critiquing him or his wife. Continue to find opportunities to invite him over and maybe start by inviting both of them over. Find a non-threatening occasion to have them both over and show that you are not providing some chasm in their relationship.


And I agree here with this as well. You do not want to become an enemy of the marriage. You do not want to be a toxic friend. Why is it she objects? maybe there is more to this.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Just an example of how anything leads to bashing him. I was outside a few hours ago and my two year old ran down the driveway. I called to him to come back and he did. She saw this and said your kids respect you, my kid doesn't respect blank. Seriously I'm done. I really can't take it anymore. I really don't care if she never speaks to me again. This ain't right. I'm not married to her. Screw it.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Just an example of how anything leads to bashing him. I was outside a few hours ago and my two year old ran down the driveway. I called to him to come back and he did. She saw this and said your kids respect you, my kid doesn't respect blank. Seriously I'm done. I really can't take it anymore. I really don't care if she never speaks to me again. This ain't right. I'm not married to her. Screw it.


That is Ok, but I still think you reach out to him if possible. He may need a friend.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

When you and he are alone in a concerned way ask him if thinks that his wife talks down to him and disrepects him. If he says yes then ask what he thinks about that.

Then you will know how he feels. He is the only one that can change that situation. If he accepts being a door mat then what can you do? If he doe snot wnat to take it anymore maybe he will ask for your advice.

Telling her that her disrepect of her husband in public makes her look like a bitter bytch would be an accurate statement IMO, but that may not be the best way.



Blunt


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't know it?


Yes

But unfortunately it's not always easy to just come out and say...
"GROW SOME FKING BALLS YOU P----"
Hell it's not easy to even say it politely, like "you should man up", "stand up for yourself", etc etc as the message is the same and it tends to sting their illusionary manhood.

So meh, nowadays I mostly just observe and watch in amusement.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

drerio said:


> That is Ok, but I still think you reach out to him if possible. He may need a friend.


I am going to try to do that. In my last post I was really angry because what happened was just bizarre. I wasn't even actively engaged in conversation with her. She was literally just walking by with her dog and tossed out an insulting one liner. I just picked up my kid and went into the house without saying anything.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

*Re: Do you guys ever feel a need to help other men that are doormats but don't kn...*



Entropy3000 said:


> And I agree here with this as well. You do not want to become an enemy of the marriage. You do not want to be a toxic friend. Why is it she objects? maybe there is more to this.


I've actually thought about why she objects to him coming over by himself. The only conclusion I can draw is that she doesn't have a life so she doesn't want him to have one. 

Or she already thinks I am toxic to her marriage. Which is a distinct possibility. I suppose the definition of toxic depends on the boundaries you have established in your relationship. In her case him playing a round of golf with me would probably be grounds for divorce.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’ve run across this a couple times, but it’s on the women. One is a doormat wife... I try to give her advice. The other does this to her boyfriend. 

I ride her about it. Basically, if she’s out to prove to herself that he’s a loser, she will find more than enough to support it by ignoring anything contrary. When that happens, she’ll feel she’s with a loser and treat him as such. Is that really how she wants to see him? If so, it’s a good way to detach and end the relationship. But is that what she really wants? All I know is this won’t end well.

If she respects him, she should treat him with respect. On his end, he can’t read her mind but can interpret her actions. If those actions are disrespectful or putting him down, that is who she will become to him. The one who drags him down. Is that also how she wants herself to be thought of? You are simply what you project to others regardless of how you see yourself. Those two had better match. If you act like a b1tch, you will be seen as a b1tch.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I guess I lean the other way than most. I would say something to him or at least voice my displeasure over the comments. The fact that I'm not close makes it easier for me to say something. Verbal abuse from a woman to a man is no less destructive than from a man to a woman. Most would not hesitate to say something if the abuse was reversed. Of course actually coming out and saying grow a pair doesn't help. It also may not be sitting down and having an actual discussion. It may just be responding to wife's comments while the husband is around with something along the lines of "That's pretty disrespectful". This guy is 50 so he's probably beaten down and just wants a quiet house. All it may take is a few acknowledgements that he deserves respect and common courtesy from his wife to shake him up a little.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Yes. I look at most men as my brothers. Certainly good men.
> 
> Unlike many folks I do believe men can rediscover their inner man. Moany if no most men are very alone in this world. Even if they have friends *they have been programmed that they must suck it up and that somehow be a man is wrong. It gets beat into guys. Men should just sacrifice. That being a man is somehow shameful.*
> 
> ...


Right on the money! Hollis suggests that men need mentors now more than ever: 

Under Saturn's Shadow: The Wounding and Healing of Men (Studies in Jungian Psychology By Jungian Analysts, 63) by James Hollis - Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists

I like the idea of asking him to assist with a project. Have the couple over for drink following project completion (on the newly finished patio, of course). Here is an opportunity for 'modelling' ... publicly acknowledge what the neighbor actually did in detail (don't just thank him for his 'help'). Ask your wife to echo this thanks for his contribution. She can privately add a comment to the neighbor's wife about how good it is for "the boys" to get outside and get their hands dirty. 

In short ... OP, you be the mentor... Good Luck-


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> Right on the money! Hollis suggests that men need mentors now more than ever:
> 
> Under Saturn's Shadow: The Wounding and Healing of Men (Studies in Jungian Psychology By Jungian Analysts, 63) by James Hollis - Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists
> 
> ...


My plan is to basically feel him out over time. If he is perfectly happy I will just have to get used to him being verbally abused. If he opens up to me I will do my best to provide him input. 

We've had a conversation since my last post. We were talking about our careers and I asked him why his wife always makes fun of his income when he does so well. Apparently she inherited a bunch of money shortly after they got married. Could this be what caused the paradigm shift? I didn't comment that this was unfair to him. But in my mind I thought it was screwed up. Its not like she worked for it, it fell in her lap.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

When a male or female is stuck in this position, it's great to provide them comradery and support. Get them out of the situation and enjoying life, and understand the abuse and do not support it. It will help him, and outside of that it's for him to see the light or for her to own up to the error of her ways.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Could you say something jokingly to the wife such as 'Jeez, give it a rest'. 

Laugh it off, and move on.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

The one that sort of scares me about working with the guy who is getting dumped on by his wife... His current perception is probably a pretty good one as far as he see’s her.

If you start dumping on his wife for doing this stuff to him, there can be a perception change so he too starts seeing her as a condescending, disrespectful mate. Getting him to fix it by working on himself for most people isn’t what he’ll try. Instead, he’ll start dumping on her demanding she stop. That will trigger her into a defensive stance. So you might inadvertently start the resentment “merry go round” in that relationship. 

I’ve seen enough ‘Nice Guys’ to know that they tend to go overboard using that same idea that they can somehow manipulate people into giving them what they want using various tactics like it’s a big chess match and they are trying outguess and outmaneuver their spouse... Try as I might, most refuse to focus inwards on themselves and stay totally focused on what their spouses are or are not doing to them. 

So if you insist on helping him, I wouldn’t start with how his wife treats him, start by talking about him and his role in a marriage. Maybe use some issue you have and how you are trying to solve it or solved it that he would relate to. Plant seeds of those ideas.

Personally, I’d talk to the wife who is doing this. She’s really the one who needs to change this the most and understand how she might be damaging her own perceptions and the marriage by just looking for the worst in things related to ‘him’.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Racer said:


> The one that sort of scares me about working with the guy who is getting dumped on by his wife... His current perception is probably a pretty good one as far as he see’s her.
> 
> If you start dumping on his wife for doing this stuff to him, there can be a perception change so he too starts seeing her as a condescending, disrespectful mate. Getting him to fix it by working on himself for most people isn’t what he’ll try. Instead, he’ll start dumping on her demanding she stop. That will trigger her into a defensive stance. So you might inadvertently start the resentment “merry go round” in that relationship.
> 
> ...


Consistent social proofing can change her perception. Also what he allows her to do. Currently if he breaks it instantaneously it's likely it will blow up or she will leave, which is fine, he might be scared to take that risk.

Many get beated down over the years.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It could be that they are both happy. Or not, but it's not really your place to interfere. If you like the guy befriend him and just be friends, listen, talk, and do stuff. If he is not permitted to then just do it without him and he may see what he is missing out on.

The problem is if she thinks she us better than him, or he puts her on a pedestal, then she will soon be looking for someone she considers an equal. But he has to want to change the situation. Further, if he doesn't, and it causes you stress or anxiety, you really don't owe him allegiance... Live and let live.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Happy is worth alot
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

If I were you I don't think I would say anything to him directly, but if she was behaving really rudely to her husband in front of me I would just say that to her right there. 

I wouldn't try to make it seem like I'm giving marriage advice, I would just tell her that what she said is rude and I don't like people talking like that in front of me. It wouldn't matter if it's her husband or somebody else, I just don't like to put up with that.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

someone90 said:


> If I were you I don't think I would say anything to him directly, but if she was behaving really rudely to her husband in front of me I would just say that to her right there.
> 
> I wouldn't try to make it seem like I'm giving marriage advice, I would just tell her that what she said is rude and I don't like people talking like that in front of me. It wouldn't matter if it's her husband or somebody else, I just don't like to put up with that.


Some groups enjoy it, and others join in.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Racer said:


> If you start dumping on his wife for doing this stuff to him, there can be a perception change so he too starts seeing her as a condescending, disrespectful mate. Getting him to fix it by working on himself for most people isn’t what he’ll try. Instead, he’ll start dumping on her demanding she stop. That will trigger her into a defensive stance. So you might inadvertently start the resentment “merry go round” in that relationship.


I wouldn't dump on his wife on purpose. He does deserve to be treated better but I can't fix that part for him. All I can do is give him periodic breaks from it. 

My biggest fear is that I flip out one day when she says something insulting. I nearly did it last time. I fear if I do that my relationship with both of them will be awkward for as long as we live next to each other. I really don't want that either. I did text him about the patio project. He turned me down on that because of back issues, but he does want to come over to watch the new Star Trek movie in my theater. I doubt he'll get permission though.

P.S. Just because I am a die hard Star Trek fan it doesn't mean I'm beta!!!!!! If I were Nickelback fan on the other hand someone should just advise me to just go ahead and get a VAR.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Your neighbor does deserve a break / helping hand.

No one should have to put up with being rundown by the spouse and being in a healthy relationship would not require either side to “ask permission” for to go to a mates and watch the game / movie.

It is easy in the short term for guys to say “anything for a quiet life” I do it myself at times. We will go along with the idea of the wife’s or the kid’s or whomever just so that we don’t make a scene or rock the boat. This does not make us “beta” it just means that we know which battles are worth fighting.

In your situation I think I would hold short of telling them directly how to live their lives or treat each other but I would try to let them see examples of better behavior from my own family.

I have found that everybody does have a flare / talent for something (you have to look harder with some people than others). Find out what this guys talents are, is he a great gardener, a car mechanic, gets a good deal on his car / home insurance, has a good singing voice WHATEVER they are find out and ask for his help in those areas then praise him publically for that help.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> LOL, definitely a funny post but not practical in real life. It does make me wonder though. Why marry him if you don't fancy him. Does my wife ding me? Absolutely. But in my case she talks about my snoring or my inability to cook. Cute things that all couples make fun of each other about. In his case its pure venom.


Have you tried, in a joking manner, saying "It makes me wonder why you married him if he is so useless."

"What are his redeeming qualities?"

Difficult I know to keep it light hearted but some people are such dingbats they don't even realise how nasty they are being.

Of course the other possibility is that they are in a strict FLR and don't keep it private as some do.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Obviously you shouldn't have to put up with listening to rude or demeaning speech - I'd recommend just a light hearted "ouch" when she makes a rude comment...

The fact he isn't allowed out on his own (and puts up with it) makes me think there's more going on here than just a rude wife. Possibly a Dom/Sub situation? 

Bottom line for me would be to be a friend to the guy but with the full realization that nothing you are going to do will change anything.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Lots of good advice. After some thought I agree with the posters that say that I can't change anything. I will try to take the humorous approach to pointing out her comments. If nothing else hopefully he won't have to endure being insulted when he is around us. It could go bad though if she doesn't take the hint and in turn decides to turn her ire towards me.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> My plan is to basically feel him out over time. If he is perfectly happy I will just have to get used to him being verbally abused. If he opens up to me I will do my best to provide him input.
> 
> We've had a conversation since my last post. We were talking about our careers and I asked him why his wife always makes fun of his income when he does so well. Apparently she inherited a bunch of money shortly after they got married. Could this be what caused the paradigm shift? I didn't comment that this was unfair to him. But in my mind I thought it was screwed up. Its not like she worked for it, it fell in her lap.


I think you are right ... Number one on the list:

Quote by Mahatma Gandhi : Seven Deadly Sins Wealth without work Pleasure...

'Wealth Without Work'

Can create an incredible amount of selfish entitlement. This corrupts the soul at its very core because it denies one the opportunity to find purpose through effort (ie. work). You can see how this might cause someone to discount or resent the fruits of their partner's labor. 

Freud stated, "Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness". There may be something to that


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Lots of good advice. After some thought I agree with the posters that say that I can't change anything. I will try to take the humorous approach to pointing out her comments. If nothing else hopefully he won't have to endure being insulted when he is around us. It could go bad though if she doesn't take the hint and in turn decides to turn her ire towards me.




"I don't care if you treat your husband like shet, you can speak civilly to me or shut the eff up."

Just sayin'


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Some people just don't seem to get it.

I knew a couple like this at my previous place of employment.

Once a year myself and a group of buddies rent a cottage on a small nearby island for a week and go fishing, drinking and being teenagers for a week.

One particular year we decided to invite my work colleague along for the week.
I knew things weren't good for him, he's henpecked to hell, no sex and his wife insults him and puts him down whenever she can, so I really expected him (her) to say no.

Lo and behold he came along. He had a fantastic time, bonded well and really got into the fishing and drinking.

As we were climbing back up the steps at the harbour when we returned home, laughing and joking about the week we'd had as guys do, this guys blimp of a wife was waiting at the top of the steps for him.

In a loud voice, in front of a crowd of strangers and his mates she bellowed in a nasty tone of voice, "And don't you dare think you're going next year, because you're not." 

He just took it like a nun!

My wife was so embarrassed, "how could she speak to her hubby like that."

ETA, I've tried to get him to man the eff up but he just won't. The height of being a man for him is sneaking into the pub when she doesn't know.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> Some people just don't seem to get it.
> 
> I knew a couple like this at my previous place of employment.
> 
> ...


Probably a scenario where she stewed all week about it even though she let him go. Honestly I think some people just get to a point in their life when they except emotional abuse as "normal". I think this is where your friend is. I don't think he is inclined to expect better treatment or mutual respect, at this point he may not even think he deserves it.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Probably a scenario where she stewed all week about it even though she let him go. Honestly I think some people just get to a point in their life when they except emotional abuse as "normal". I think this is where your friend is. I don't think he is inclined to expect better treatment or mutual respect, at this point he may not even think he deserves it.


Yes, awful situation to be in, almost exactly the same as your friend which as I said made me wonder if he and her were in an FLR.

Perhaps she spanks him as well.

I did ask Mrs Wysh how she would have handled it if she was upset about me going.

She said that she would have had a word in private some weeks later.

"However" she said, "you would still probably go anyway!"


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