# Do that big texts for closure does anything?



## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

My ex and I were dating for few months but when the quarantine hit and the university told us that classes wouldn't be back until next year, he had to move back to his parent's house which was 2 hours away.

The last day he was at my house he suggested for us to meet throughout the summer, but I told him no because I can't do the "distance relationship" thing. So then we both started crying, and talking etc.. he said that he wasn't ready to fall in love and that he was having tons of break downs etc. So then I told him to go take care of himself and his mental health. He said he would call me, and that he really liked me, and that we had a great connection... then we kissed goodbye and he left.

Anyway, after he left I realized I really liked and missed him, so then, after a week, I sent him a text saying something like "hey actually lets meet up throughout the summer, I also really like you etc". Then he answered that he thought we made a good decision for now but we could talk about us again when we could actually be physically together. I didn't show him but I went to a hole deeper than I've ever been. I was just so sad for so long. I missed every piece of him and I had so many break downs. It hurt more than anything I've ever experienced.

We texted each other through the summer, kept in touch... and he said sorry a billion times for causing me such a grief, etc... The longest we spent without talking was 20 days during these 4 months into the break up. Also worth mentioning that he initiated contact more than I did. He also sent me a text last week saying good luck on my next school year and that if I needed any help from him I shouldn't hesitate to ask (same majors here) and that he owed me that much. So maybe he feels guilty for breaking my heart?? I don't know...

Anyway, when I was almost all moved on, he started mentioning "I hope to see you when I'm in town". I NEVER asked to see him but for some reason he felt like saying it not once, but twice. And of course my hopes went up just so it would crash again because I know he has been in town so many times and he never asked to see me.
I don't understand why he would say something he doesn't mean.

So then I was thinking of sending him a text saying that "He didn't need to say we had a great connection if he didn't mean to, or that he didn't need to say he really liked me when he clearly never did. That I had a hard time forgetting about him because he said so many nice things that made me so confused and in reality he never meant any of those things."

Is that worth it doing so?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So you told him you didn't want to stay together as a couple because of distance but now you are going to say he didn't really care? 

No. You are fishing or lashing out or something. It isn't mature and it sure isn't necessary. You probably hurt him when you said you didn't even want to try. So you've both done some hurting. If you want to see him then say yea that would be great and if you don't then just say no I"m good.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you told him you didn't want to stay together as a couple because of distance but now you are going to say he didn't really care?
> 
> No. You are fishing or lashing out or something. It isn't mature and it sure isn't necessary. You probably hurt him when you said you didn't even want to try. So you've both done some hurting. If you want to see him then say yea that would be great and if you don't then just say no I"m good.


But I did take it back after a week, he was the one who said we made a good decision.
And the first time he mentioned seeing me I said "Alright, sounds good". But he never came.
So he's the one indecisive and playing with my feelings. I just wanted to call him out on that.

And besides, since he said "I'm sorry for causing you such a grief" and "I owe you that much" he knows he hurt me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Guys are particularly not good at no contact relationships. Getting physical is usually their number one priority so if that isn't there, they lose interest and fall for someone who is there in front of them. I mean there are exceptions, but I don't think he is one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think you need to cut off contact and move on.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nina0 said:


> But I did take it back after a week ...


But you already said it. The deed was done. My guess is that settled it for him at that point.



Nina0 said:


> And the first time he mentioned seeing me I said "Alright, sounds good". But he never came.
> So he's the one indecisive and playing with my feelings. I just wanted to call him out on that.


Here's the thing: This is a 23 year old man. I've known very, very few men who are mature in their thinking at 23. It's just a fact that when someone has only lived so many years, they don't have enough life experiences and challenges to be decisive - particularly when it comes to relationships. And while he may be playing with your feelings, you are letting him rent too much space in your head. Why try to figure him out? Chances are, he hasn't figured himself out at this point.

Toss this one back. You're wasting too much time and emotional energy on this.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> But you already said it. The deed was done. My guess is that settled it for him at that point.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


thank you! It honestly gave me some clarity and at lot to think about.

He literally just texted me asking if I want to go kayaking with him and my stupid ass got excited even though this is probably never gonna happen. I’m all cool and chill when talking to him, acting like a friend... but I’m dying inside.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So if you want to go... go but don't set the whole world to this guy. And if you have to either have it exactly your way or go crazy then dump him for good. Say sure I'd love to, when do you want to do it. If he can't set a date or breaks the date after setting it then the next time he texts you just simply say. I don't seem to be a priority and I don't like people who can't follow through on plans so I don't think we need to continue this.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

And about the age... I don’t get it. My friends and people around me are the same age and they are in pretty stable relationships.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This guy is a disaster Nina. He's "not ready" to fall in love, and he's "scared" and his "mental health is blah blah". Waah waah waah.

When someone tells you who they are, _believe _them.

Let him go, let him go, let him go.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

No, girl. Just no.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This is a good lesson for you - you can't take back words. They are out there and left their impact. It's one thing if you had used the wrong word and want to correct it, it's another when you've had a change of heart.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Nina0 said:


> And about the age... I don’t get it. My friends and people around me are the same age and they are in pretty stable relationships.


Some people will NEVER be in stable relationships. Some will drag others on for years before admitting they aren't ready. If you really want a relationship and something stable and long term this guy does not seem to be it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He’s a player and he played you like a fiddle.
He didn’t want to have a long term relationship, especially where he wasn’t getting his oats and you walked right into his trap. 
Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve with young, good looking men, you’re going to get hurt.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Aren’t you several years older than he is — or have I confused your story with one similar? In any event, there are some 23 year olds who are mature and there are many who aren’t. This has been going on for awhile IIRC. You would be better off if you moved on.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Nina0 dear friend, you kind of brought this on yourself.

First you told him let's not see each other you can't do an ldr, he fusses but went along, ok then.

Then you say, I miss you, and he says he's moved on, ok again, then later he says he can see you when he's in town. At this point he thinks he's trying to go along with your change of heart, but now you're wondering why he says he wants to see you. Really?

No wonder there's confusion, it seems like you're muddying the water at every juncture.

If he's wise, he'll abandon the whole thing.

Later, if you happen to meet organically it may come round but he at some point will value his sanity and stay away until then.

Kindly, it sounds exasperating to try and relationship with you.

Hem, haw, this, that, yes, no, maybe will drive a guy rightfully away. At least sane ones.

But hey, I could be wrong. Not likely here though not impossible.

Good luck in all cases!


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Nina0 said:


> My ex and I (both 23) were dating for few months but when the quarantine hit and the university told us that classes wouldn't be back until next year, he had to move back to his parent's house which was 2 hours away.
> 
> The last day he was at my house he suggested for us to meet throughout the summer, but I told him no because I can't do the "distance relationship" thing. So then we both started crying, and talking etc.. he said that he wasn't ready to fall in love and that he was having tons of break downs etc. So then I told him to go take care of himself and his mental health. He said he would call me, and that he really liked me, and that we had a great connection... then we kissed goodbye and he left.
> 
> ...


He's playing games with you. Cut off the contact completely, see how fast he comes back. But if it were me, I'd kick him to the curb for good.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nina0 said:


> He literally just texted me asking if I want to go kayaking with him and my stupid ass got excited even though this is probably never gonna happen. I’m all cool and chill when talking to him, acting like a friend... but I’m dying inside.


So you're not being completely authentic with him. I think you need to ask yourself why you're putting up a front/brave face, but are "dying inside." This isn't healthy, emotionally-speaking. Sure, you may have friends in "stable" relationships, but remember you don't see what goes on behind closed doors. My best friend has two sons - one married, the other still single. They're a bit older than you, but I can tell you for sure, neither one of them were ready for a long-term commitment at 23. Not saying it doesn't happen, but c'mon - 23??? 

This guy is a bit of a mess. Get rid of him. You can do better. And if you are looking for "stable" you've picked the wrong guy.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Why is this the guys fault?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think at the end of the day people do what they want to do. 

Men will move mountains and cross scorching deserts and swim raging rivers to be with the woman they want.

Women will also go through ridiculous amounts of torment and anguish to be with the man they love. 

If you wanted to be with him, you wouldn’t have dumped him. 

If he wanted to be with you....... well let’s just ask if he has moved any mountains to see you lately. 

I bet you figured there would be a line up of guys as good as him if not better to jump into his place when school ended. But when that didn’t happen you got bored and lonely and frustrated. 

What have you done to move on?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why is this the guys fault?


They're both at fault. He's playing the come-closer-now-get-away dance. She's not being upfront and honest with him. She wants him to be something he's not; at least, not at this point in his life. She has issues. He has issues.

We've only heard her side of the story. But you know what they say: There's her side, there's his side, and somewhere in the middle is the truth.


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## Cooking4fun (Apr 9, 2017)

First off, have you talked directly and tried to clear the air? I will tell you a story of a guy who really fell for a women in college. After a few months together summer break was approaching and this guy got the “have a good summer and maybe I will see you next fall, but don’t count on it”. It was completely unexpected and that guy was me. I was crushed. About mid-summer out of the blue I received a letter basically opening up the dialogue again and I responded back somewhat luke-warm. Well, we did get back together in the fall semester became exclusive to each other and now she is my wife of 36 years. She had her reasons for the break-up but only vocalized them to me later and when she felt comfortable doing so. I understood completely. I tell you this because it isn’t always what it seems. Communication was key. Plus after seeing her again I wasn’t giving up. Try talking before you toss it out. You have nothing to lose. Good luck.


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