# my husband wants a divorce but wants to stay together?



## Christina25

My husband out of the blue moved out while i was working one day he called me to tell me he was leaving.i came home to half of our stuff gone. He claims he needs his space and if i want to work things out he wants a divorce but wants to stay together. I am so confused should this be a red flag? Then he blocks me on facebook doesnt want anything to do with me says things dont concern me..i just dont know if i am wasting my time trying to work things out.and not being married is throwing me for a loop..HELP PLEASE!.we have been together 7 years! Only been married a year and a half
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld

Christina25 said:


> My husband out of the blue moved out while i was working one day he called me to tell me he was leaving.i came home to half of our stuff gone. He claims he needs his space and if i want to work things out he wants a divorce but wants to stay together. I am so confused should this be a red flag? Then he blocks me on facebook doesnt want anything to do with me says things dont concern me..i just dont know if i am wasting my time trying to work things out.and not being married is throwing me for a loop..HELP PLEASE!.we have been together 7 years! Only been married a year and a half
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wonder what he is hiding . . .

I would take him at his word and pursue the divorce, Christina.


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## Christina25

Thzt is what i am struggling with.i feel like there is more to this story im not getting. But he wants to stay together and not be married and i just cant wrap my brain aroumd that..i cant come up with a good reason why that makes any sense
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt

Christina ~
It doesn't make sense to you because it doesn't make sense.
You have no clue why he was unhappy?
Where did he go?
VH


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## EleGirl

He's got something up his sleeve that he is hiding from you. Do you even know where he is staying now?

If he wanted a divorce but to stay together, his moving out does not make any sense.

Did he win the lottery and want to hide it from you?
Does he have a girlfriend?

My suggestion is that you not play his game. If he wants to be with you he needs to stay married, come home and fix whatever his issues are.

Anything less, just tell him no. And then start interacting with him according to the 180 (see the link below). If after a week or so he does not return home, apologize and start to fix things, just file for divorce. Show him that you will not allow anyone to treat you this way.


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## lifeistooshort

I'd bet he has another woman but wants to keep you from moving on in case she doesn't work out. Then he'll cry that he made a mistake and wants to work on the marriage.

I'd file and get rid of him. If he wants to move back in you can think about it.


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## Spotthedeaddog

There's some skeleton in the closet there.

Could be girlfriend or boyfriend.
If he's ever assaulted you, someone might have "had a word in his ear". Likewise if he's done something illegal or dangerous (or disgusting).

the disappear in the night thing...there no respect there, even if you got back together, you'll spend most of your day wondering what will be there when you get home.

The "stay together" thing. Could be an affair and he's covering his butt... or waiting until his lawyer has got everything sorted (which is what TAM often advises people to do if their spouse is likely to cause monetary or physical dangers - get out, get the lawyer started to protect yourself, keep things amicable but arms length, don't chat/fb), or he might be dealing with something illegal (and thus hopes it will be done so he can come back).

the short version is none of this is good for you, and unless you at least know the reason for the move out (not necessarily the details), it's time to get the lawyers involved to protect your interests. Things are over.
(if he really was doing something illegal or dangerous, he should have come up with at least a plausible excuse...like an affair, then he could beg forgiveness and tell you the truth and proof). What he's done, unilateral call of it's over. .... oh legally speaking it's "abandonment", one of those magic words to throw at your lawyer. since you're in the house, it won't give you great damages payment, but it does give you legal grounds for divorce proceedings (and without prejudice)


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## Happilymarried25

lifeistooshort said:


> I'd bet he has another woman but wants to keep you from moving on in case she doesn't work out. Then he'll cry that he made a mistake and wants to work on the marriage.
> 
> I'd file and get rid of him. If he wants to move back in you can think about it.


Of course he has another women. Men don't like to be alone, they need and want the emotional and sexual support of women so unless there was something major in your marriage going on he isn't going to just leave to be on his own. He is blocking you on FB because she is probably a friend and he doesn't want you to find out.


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## brooklynAnn

There is something else going on. He is hiding something. And that something is another woman. Give him what he wants, you would be better off.


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## jescojojo2

Yes, as much as this hurts, there is another woman for sure. And you are a safety net in case things don't work out. This is awful. He is being an inconsiderate jerk. Stay strong . You do not deserve to be disrespected this way. Have integrity, don't call question or look for him. Make him see for himself the honorable woman he is giving up ...there are plenty of good men looking for solid relationships with decent women! There are literally hundreds and hundreds of them. All u gotta do is find one . Tell him THAT when he gets curious as to why you've not tried to contact him..,, and he WILL. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Adelais

I'm confused. He wants a divorce on paper, has blocked you from his facebook account but still wants to be able to see you from time to time, for friendship or fringe benefits?

Either he is protecting you from something, (illegal, or someone is after him) or he is seeing another woman, but wants you to stay in the wings as "Plan B."


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## Popcorn2015

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Either he is protecting you from something, (illegal, or someone is after him)


How often does this turn out to be the case?

In real life, not the movies.


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## Adelais

Popcorn2015 said:


> How often does this turn out to be the case?
> 
> In real life, not the movies.


I had a friend whose husband moved out and gave her a gun to protect herself. He didn't tell here why, but it made her so angry that she divorced him. By the time of the divorce she had already learned that he had borrowed money from some bad guys and hadn't paid it back.


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## Lilac23

Christina25 said:


> My husband out of the blue moved out while i was working one day he called me to tell me he was leaving.i came home to half of our stuff gone. He claims he needs his space and if i want to work things out he wants a divorce but wants to stay together. I am so confused should this be a red flag? Then he blocks me on facebook doesnt want anything to do with me says things dont concern me..i just dont know if i am wasting my time trying to work things out.and not being married is throwing me for a loop..HELP PLEASE!.we have been together 7 years! Only been married a year and a half
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is more than a red flag, honey, he's totally hiding something huge, He's telling you he wants a divorce but to still 'stay together' so that you don't go after him financially in the divorce. Men in love don't just suddenly take half your stuff and move out. Why block you on fb unless he's hiding something? Did he also delete all of your family and friends? If he wants a divorce you should give him everything that goes along with it, like no communication and sex.


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## EleGirl

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> I had a friend whose husband moved out and gave her a gun to protect herself. He didn't tell here why, but it made her so angry that she divorced him. By the time of the divorce she had already learned that he had borrowed money from some bad guys and hadn't paid it back.


So he just left her to fend for herself if they showed up to collect? 

What a guy.. NOT


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## Ripper

Christina25 said:


> Only been married a year and a half


Yeah, just divorce and get away from this guy. This early into your marriage, you two should still be making other people sick with public displays of affection, not dealing with this.


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## Adelais

EleGirl said:


> So he just left her to fend for herself if they showed up to collect?
> 
> What a guy.. NOT


Yea. At the time I was visiting her (them.) She and I went to high school together. When she told me he was gone and showed me the gun (a big one...maybe a .45?) , I was so freaked out, that I had my brother come get me, since I didn't have a car because I had just come back to the US after living in a foreign country. The house had lots of big windows without curtains in an expensive neighborhood and I didn't want to be a sitting duck. (There was a duck pond right across the street. LOL) She wouldn't come with me to my brother's because she was afraid her husband would bring a truck and empty the house. She didn't know what was going on, but putting two and two together: he was leaving her, and she needed a gun to protect herself from someone. No one ever showed up, so she never had to use the gun, thank God.

Sorry for the thread jack.


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## JohnA

Have you changed the locks or had them re-keyed ?


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## Evinrude58

I'll just add that this is crazy. No warning? Just up and left? No reasons for divorce? Yeah, you should just get out of this. Divorce him and move on
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## Christina25

Yes he blocked all my family and me..thus is what i thought was happening but i was really hoping i was just paranoid.its hard because i love him so much and he somehow as completely took me out of his life so quickly.when less thzn 2 years ago we promised each other forever.i feel like i need the truth for closurer but i dont think i will ever get it.how do u move on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Christina25

No he just left..i found out he filed for divorce behind my back 3 days before he moved out..everything was a complete suprise to me.
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## Christina25

No i havent yet i have to wait for my landlord to do it..im not too worried because he took anything of value and wat he wanted when he left. He took my fridge and all the food our tv dryer etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais

I'm sorry Christina25. You move on by putting one foot in front of the other, and getting on with your life. Do you have a friends, a job, a church family, a regular family? Lean on them. Come here an post. Reach out to people like you are doing.

Take pictures of the spaces where things were, and look for some pictures of the things that he took, so when you go to court the judge will use the values of the things he took to come up with a settlement. Everything should be split 50/50. He may end up owing you $ at the divorce hearing.

He took the fridge and the food? So he doesn't care if you eat? I have a feeling that in the long run, you will be glad he is gone. Did you argue a lot before he left? Think of the bad times along with what he has done, and find your anger stage. That will help give you some strength to keep on moving.


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## TAMAT

Christina,

I strongly suspect someone else if you look at your phone bills you will likely find a number with an excessive number of texts. 

Since woman who are willing to have an affair with a married man are not good long term prospects for a relationship your H is hedging his bets by keeping you in limbo. 

At a bare minimum your H is dishonest by taking everything of value acquired during your marriage, and has in fact stolen from you just like a common thief on the street. Possibly worse than the thief who does not justify his actions.

Tamat


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## brooklynAnn

Find receipts of the things he took and get a list together. He is going to have to give you at least 1/2 of the money back.

Girl, you should thank your lucky star that he did this now. In the long run you are going to be better off without this pond scum. What kind of man does this? Makes you think huh.

Like everyone else is saying, there is someone else. He is using you, thinking you are so much in love with him, you will take him back. When he comes crawling back. 

Move on with your life. Get support from family and friends. Sign those divorce papers as soon as he serves them. Then, get on with your life. Better is out there.


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## Lilac23

Christina25 said:


> Yes he blocked all my family and me..thus is what i thought was happening but i was really hoping i was just paranoid.its hard because i love him so much and he somehow as completely took me out of his life so quickly.when less thzn 2 years ago we promised each other forever.i feel like i need the truth for closurer but i dont think i will ever get it.how do u move on?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would bet he has someone new and doesn't want anyone to tell you about it. Sorry, crappy time of year to be going through this.


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## EleGirl

Christina25, 

Do you have a job? 

What kind of support system to do you have? Any family or friends who you can turn to?

I agree with the others, get pictures of the empty spaces for the things that he took. If you have other pictures that show the things, put them with the ones of the empty spaces to show what used to be there. Then figure out what the replace value for each of those items is. Give that list to your attorney... it's his part of the settlement.


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## NotEasy

Did he empty your bank account/s too? Document everything. Are they joint accounts? Who puts money in etc. Then withdraw some cash so you have spending money and perhaps move some money from a joint account to a new account of yours. However given he ambushed you, I worry he has also hit your bank accounts too. 
Talk to a lawyer, but I wonder what is the legalities of him touching joint accounts after secretly filing for divorce.


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## New_Beginnings

Divorce, defintely hiding something. I wouldn't be surprised if he got another woman pregnant and left. That's really a huge assumption but makes sense in my mind. I would defintely bet it's another woman hands down. I'm sorry and no I wouldn't want to work it out but I would want to hunt him down, find the truth.


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## Christina25

Him having someone else is the only thing that makes sense its just hard to accept.i do have evidence of everything he took and we were in the process of buying a home and a week before he left he stoped and took all our saving for the house and made a HUGE payment on his car. So we split wat was left which wasnt much. He might txt me every couple of days not to see how im doing or to work things out just because he says if i dont have sex wit him he will go get it somewhere else.this is all very hard for me its been almost 3 weeks since he left i finally gained enough strength to have the locks changed because he refuses to give me the keys.i hope i am making the right decisions.i do love him dearly but i am 25 i can not do this for the rest of my life.
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## Christina25

I do have a full time job..and i have my family but nobody knows other than my mom..i didnt wanna say anything because i didnt want themv to treat him differently when he was around or him feel uncomfortable but i dont think hes ever going to come around .. now its just coming up with courage to tell my family i failed.
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## farsidejunky

You did not fail!

He did this, not you. He left you after taking everything. He sounds like a poor excuse of a man. Do not consider his feeling one iota; expose far and wide.

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## Christina25

I feel like i have...even after all he has done in the past three weeks such as have my gas shut off and mentally destroy me i am still not mad..i wish i was but i am just hurt more than anything..this is not the man i spent the last 7 years with.he would have never done this to me..not this way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya

Christina25 said:


> Him having someone else is the only thing that makes sense its just hard to accept.i do have evidence of everything he took and we were in the process of buying a home and a week before he left he stoped and took all our saving for the house and made a HUGE payment on his car. So we split wat was left which wasnt much. He might txt me every couple of days not to see how im doing or to work things out just because he says if i dont have sex wit him he will go get it somewhere else.this is all very hard for me its been almost 3 weeks since he left i finally gained enough strength to have the locks changed because he refuses to give me the keys.i hope i am making the right decisions.i do love him dearly but i am 25 i can not do this for the rest of my life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm trying to get the story straight here with the bits and pieces you have been sharing since the start.

You have been together 7 years, married for 1.5.

He filed for divorce 3 days before he moved out, but looks like he didn't have you served until after you found out he'd left? Is that right?

He'd been texting you about not giving him enough sex and if you didn't start, he'd get it elsewhere. This is the part I'm really trying to figure out. When had he started expressing this to you? Was this long before he left?

It's very likely he's found another woman and is now coming to terms with having his needs met elsewhere. He's looking to detach from you swiftly so he can go have his new life.

There's a LOT one could read between the lines here and only a small fraction of the story is being told. Can you please elaborate in more of a timeline fashion the series of events and how much time had been transpiring in between the big events?

I'm not excusing his affair, if he is indeed having one, but sex is a primary need for most if not all men. It's the way they bond and feel loved. If he'd felt for a long time that you weren't meeting that need, it's not a huge leap to conclude that he would go and find it elsewhere. What he should have done was come to you in seriousness and say the marriage was in a crisis, so you could talk about it. Did he ever do this? If yes, did you take his words seriously?

I think you should just give him the divorce and try to work things out fairly and amicably. If you're not sexually compatible, things will never work out between you anyway. You'd just end up as roommates. Also, please fill in the gaps a bit please or people here are going to make some wild assumptions based on their personal experiences.


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## New_Beginnings

You're young and yes it will take time to heal from this as you love him. He is being clear on how he values you, that's little to none. He had no respect to talk things out and this was pre planned. You are making the right choice by changing the locks. 

I would most defintely give a man who betrayed me at this magnitude a divorce. I couldn't see coming back from this, I wouldn't want to imagine how he'd leave the next time and or what other sneaky behavior he's skilled at pulling.


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## Openminded

You are Plan B. 

Plan A is whoever he's with at the moment. 

Like many, he wants to keep someone in reserve and that's you. Don't let that happen. You are 25 and have your entire life in front of you -- full of endless possibilities. Take it. When I was your age, I had been married for four years. I don't know if my husband was cheating then but by the time we were in our 30's he definitely was. I remained married until my mid-60's. 

The time between 25 and 65 went by for me in a flash. I wish I had gotten out in my 30's when I was first aware there was a problem. Yes, letting go is very hard. But holding on when you shouldn't is much harder. The time is going to pass either way.


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## arbitrator

Christina25 said:


> Thzt is what i am struggling with.i feel like there is more to this story im not getting. But he wants to stay together and not be married and i just cant wrap my brain aroumd that..i cant come up with a good reason why that makes any sense
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Sad to say that all he really wants is to "have his cake and eat it, too!"

Married life is not representative of that axiom! Since there are no kids borne yet from your relationship with him, give him "the air" and escort him out of the front door!

Get on with your life and find an emotionally mature man who will truly love you for who you are!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

Go online and check your phone bill. That'll probably at least get you some closure.

Things like this don't just happen. Make sure you get an equitable split of assets.

This guy is a total azz. You can't possibly understand right now but you're lucky and have dodged a big bullet here. Young with not much time invested. You'll be fine actually better long term.

This is all on him 100%. No decent guy would just walk away like that.

Stop any engagement with him except for divorce info etc. do not answer calls or texts unless divorce related. Treat him like a business decision


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