# Is it ethical for me to leave my wife if she refuses to give me a bj?



## jtreason (Aug 4, 2011)

I hope someone here can help me with some advice. Me and my wife have been married for over 6 years. About a year ago, she stopped giving me BJs. Everytime I would ask her about one, she would make up an excuse saying she had a toothache or her stomach was hurting. After a while, I confronted her about it and she told me that she finds it disgusting and doesn't want to do it anymore. She really hurt me when she said that but she has stayed true to her word. What's funny is that she has no problem with letting me go down on her and I really wish I could stop but I can't because I enjoy it.

What should I do? I am only 28 and I have not had a bj in over a year. I have tried to forget about it but it seems to be like everywhere I look, someone is getting/talking about BJs and it's not me. I love her to death and she is a awesome wife but if I would have known that she would do this to me, I would probably not have married her.

Does anyone have any good advice? Other than this issue, she is a great wife and does a good job taking care of our son. Everytime I try to talk about it, she gets upset and tries to label me as a freak or a pervert. What would make her stop giving Bjs after 5 years of marriage? Also, would a judge look at me awkwardly if I had to explain my reason for divorce? I really want to be happy but I can't imagine living my life without another BJ. I have not cheated on her and I don't think I will since I would feel too bad about it.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

So, let me ask you this - do you REALLY love your wife? Because from your post, it sounds like you really only love a particular sex act, and not really your wife (or your family). I hope that there are a lot of other things about your wife that you can admire and desire. 

Did you explore anything else that could be going on over the last year that would have made her change her mind? Yes, people's tastes about things can change, but was there something that spurred her change in taste? Does she feel resentful about something? Is there something about you that has changed - change in weight, etc.?

Are there other things that you can explore together sexually?

Best of luck.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Are you making sure that you always smell good down there? It might be that she doesn't like the taste of semen. Maybe she could get you started, and then you come in a towel. Another thing to try is let her know when you are about to come, and have her take your member completely in her mouth so the semen goes down her throat so she doesn't have to taste it.

Would hand jobs suffice? You two need to discuss this and come to an agreement that you both like.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

jtreason said:


> I hope someone here can help me with some advice. Me and my wife have been married for over 6 years. About a year ago, she stopped giving me BJs. Everytime I would ask her about one, she would make up an excuse saying she had a toothache or her stomach was hurting. After a while, I confronted her about it and she told me that she finds it disgusting and doesn't want to do it anymore. She really hurt me when she said that but she has stayed true to her word. What's funny is that she has no problem with letting me go down on her and I really wish I could stop but I can't because I enjoy it.
> 
> What should I do? I am only 28 and I have not had a bj in over a year. I have tried to forget about it but it seems to be like everywhere I look, someone is getting/talking about BJs and it's not me. I love her to death and she is a awesome wife but if I would have known that she would do this to me, I would probably not have married her.
> 
> Does anyone have any good advice? Other than this issue, she is a great wife and does a good job taking care of our son. Everytime I try to talk about it, she gets upset and tries to label me as a freak or a pervert. What would make her stop giving Bjs after 5 years of marriage? Also, would a judge look at me awkwardly if I had to explain my reason for divorce? I really want to be happy but I can't imagine living my life without another BJ. I have not cheated on her and I don't think I will since I would feel too bad about it.


Do you think you could show her this post or at lest tell her honestly how you are feeling. 

I have questions: Did she seem to like giving bj for the period of time that she gave them? Did you have to ask her or did she do them on her own. Was there anything that you did not like about the way she did it and did you tell her? 

Think back, is there anything at all even if it did not seem important that occurred around the time that she stopped. 

I think you are at a cross roads, it is unlikely that your wife is going to suddenly like giving bj. Maybe if she wants the marriage enough to exchange bj. I think that she may feel more like a prostitute than your wife and would have difficulty staying attracted or to respect you. 

It looks like you may have to leave her and find a woman for bj. There is no guarantee that you will find someone who really likes them. 

Some women do them to please their partner. If they feel that the man is not meeting their needs they may lose the desire to please. Therefore, if you don't know why she stopped it may happen again in a new relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Do you think you could show her this post or at lest tell her honestly how you are feeling.
> 
> I have questions: Did she seem to like giving bj for the period of time that she gave them? Did you have to ask her or did she do them on her own. Was there anything that you did not like about the way she did it and did you tell her?
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I'm confused. In your other post you talk about cheating on your wife and trying to earn back her trust yet now you say you could never cheat and want to file for divorce over oral sex? 
What am I missing here?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Jt I just read your other post and I think you know what the problem was a year ago. 

It looks like you are hot and cold about staying with your wife. In the previous post you did not want to leave her. Whereas on this post you are ready to go. 

I think it would be best to go for MC and IC. Even if this relationship does not survive, you and your wife will benifit enormously. Give your marriage some time and effort (MC & IC). You need to resolve the problems so they don't carry over into the next, should it come to that. 

Sorry I have to ask - is there a possibility that she may be cheating?


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## jtreason (Aug 4, 2011)

I really do not know if she is cheating. In my other post, she threatened to leave me but I think she has changed her mind since she has not said anything about it for the past few days. This sex issue popped back into my mind because even though I do not want to lose her, the thought of being with another woman and getting a bj made me feel really happy.

I really don't know what the issue is though. I have NEVER EVER came in her mouth because she told me she didn't like it. I thought that was fair. Last year, she went to her home country with my son to visit for 2 months. When she came back, the bjs stopped. I'm guessing something happened when she went home. I don't wish to sound shallow but the thought of me never getting another bj for the rest of my life is scary to me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Maybe it is not the lack of bjs that is the issue, but the emotional disconnect that you may be feeling from your wife and which Catherine touched on.

As you said, after she came back from the two month trip to her home country, something changed. It's worth investigating what caused that change in your wife.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jtreason said:


> I really do not know if she is cheating. In my other post, she threatened to leave me but I think she has changed her mind since she has not said anything about it for the past few days. This sex issue popped back into my mind because even though I do not want to lose her, the thought of being with another woman and getting a bj made me feel really happy.
> 
> I really don't know what the issue is though. I have NEVER EVER came in her mouth because she told me she didn't like it. I thought that was fair. *Last year, she went to her home country with my son to visit for 2 months. When she came back, the bjs stopped. I'm guessing something happened when she went home.* I don't wish to sound shallow but the thought of me never getting another bj for the rest of my life is scary to me.


Yup. You need to find out what that could have been. I won;t speculate.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Jt a couple of things. I thought you might talk about the girl you were emaing a year ago. Was it while she was visiting family? You said she did not know until recently, could she have suspected? 

You did not respond to MC and IC. There is so much going on that I really think you need a third party. There is a potential for a happy marriage but you have to work at it. I am convinced more than ever that the bj problem is a symptom of some deeper problem. Why leave this relationship when you have not tried to make it work. I don't remember if you said but how is the frequency and quality of sex? 

Couples reconnect and can become as strong or stronger than before the problems. If you reconnect and she feels the same way about you that she did for the first 5 yrs she will again want to please you, sex generally improves and guess what, you won't have to go the rest of your life without bj!!! 

Again I have to ask - was there an old bf that she may have gotten in touch with when she was away and is still talking to? You have investigate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

I wonder how women would react if their man told them he thought giving oral sex to her was disgusting and don't want to do it?


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

How are the other aspects of your sex life?

Also, how old is your kid? My wife has only performed oral one me once since our first child was born.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

I'm a woman who has come to appreciate the importance of giving a good BJ. Don't know what it is about them, but BJs seem to be the quickest and easiest way to get my husband to relax, de-stress, and mellow out. If he's in a bad mood or having a bad day, a BJ will brighten him up immediately. It's kind of funny, actually. And I definitely use it to my advantage, since after a BJ, my husband becomes like putty in my hands. He'll do anything I ask him to. So I think that women who refuse to give BJs (assuming that it's not for medical reasons) are committing a grave error. 

Having said that, I don't think it's okay for you to leave your wife for that reason. Most reasonable people are amenable to compromise on those kinds of issues, and there must be a conciliatory way to impress upon her the importance of BJs. Maybe if you tried taking a day out to put aside the problems in your marriage and cook her a romantic meal, serenade her, do whatever she likes, then when it's over and you've won her affection, tell her "did you really enjoy that? i was happy to do it for you because i love you, but that's how a BJ would feel to me." That might be a good way to get her understand where you're coming from and bring you two closer together at the same time.


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

:iagree:

I think the bj is a surface sign of some emotional issues between the two of you. The no-bj may be an attemtp to make you understand or do something different. Perhaps she is uncomfortable telling you, perhaps she does not know, perhaps some subcontious stuff? 

BTW, why did she have to go away for 2 months alone? Why did you not go with her? Were you completely stuck at work for this whole period? Perhaps she interpret this as a lack of interest from you?

It may be a million things, perhaps you will figure out instead of breaking an otherwise good relationship?

The best
nada


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Brian. said:


> I wonder how women would react if their man told them he thought giving oral sex to her was disgusting and don't want to do it?


I would agree.:rofl: I am not a fan of receiving...but I love giving.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Is it ethical?

I'm sorry, but I have a hard time believing that this is serious. Granted, it can be a deal breaker, but when it comes to a deep committment of marriage, nixing one orifice option for you doesn't carry much weight in the ethics realm when recent studies show that only 42% of all ladies enjoy giving blowjobs to the partner, and an additional 18% would do so grudgingly. 

Just let it stand as a personal preference, in my opinion, and make the decision if you just can't do without this option. Be advised, though, the next partner, if you leave her, could ask if it is ethical to leave a guy who refuses to meet each and every emotional need she has, even if some of them are not your cup of tea.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

So you were having an emotional affair, and now your wife doesn't want to give you BJ's. 

Sounds like she has lost respect for you and trust for you.

I wouldn't want to give BJ's to my fiance if he didn't love and respect me either. If I knew he has cheated, I would lose all attraction for him.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

jtreason said:


> I hope someone here can help me with some advice. Me and my wife have been married for over 6 years and we have 1 son. We have had normal marriage problems in the past but we have always found a way to work through it. There have been times when I have found out about guys calling her and I know she was on the phone for many hours with a couple guys. I have always discussed it with her and I forgave her. I even remember a time where she sent her "best friend" a text saying "I love you" and he said "I love you too". I confronted her about it and she said that she loves him as a friend and nothing more. I have caught her in lies about her relationship with other men but I always forgave her since I thought that was the respectable thing to do


Well, well it seems that she has been cheating on you as well. No it would not be ethical to divorce her for not giving you bj's but it would be ethical for you to divorce her for having multiple EAs with other men just as it would be ethical for her to divorce you for your EA with an OW.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Halien said:


> Is it ethical?
> 
> I'm sorry, but I have a hard time believing that this is serious. Granted, it can be a deal breaker, but when it comes to a deep committment of marriage, nixing one orifice option for you doesn't carry much weight in the ethics realm when recent studies show that only 42% of all ladies enjoy giving blowjobs to the partner, and an additional 18% would do so grudgingly.


I agree. 

If your marriage comes down to (puns?) a lip lock on your love thang . . . you need to grow up, get real, or figure out what the real problem is. Just saying.

Halien - thanks for the stats. Explains a lot about this particular aspect of my 19 year marriage. (Mostly devoid of much oral action but aplenty of other activites.)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MissLayla1986 said:


> So I think that women who refuse to give BJs (assuming that it's not for medical reasons) are committing a grave error.


I feel the same way about men who won't go down on their women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

There may be issues in your marrige that you need to work out. I have no clue....that is up to you to find out. But I recommend that you do at least the minimum:

1. Make sure you have had a shower before you ask....like just got out of the shower in fact.

2. If you don't "man groom" you should do it. BJ's for me were few and far between for a long time. At the wifes encouragement I figured what the heck, and started shaving everything down there. If you are a wimp like me and scared of a razor on all those wrinkles, just get a good electric razor designed for that type of work. 

Makes a big difference, and after you do shave you will probably want to stick with it anyway......just looks better.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I just have to say as a woman - doing chores is not a route to getting bj. I strongly advise you to work on the underlying problem in your relationship. Doing your fair share of household chores is not a downpayment on a bj that would make your wife a service worker. 

I don't think she sees herself as providing you with a sex services. Rather she will be motivated if she respects you and you are behaving like a man who knows how to make his way around in the world. 

Doing anything that makes you seem like a child - not doing your part, expecting her to pick up after you, chips away at her respect and admiration. It is difficult to do an intimate act like a bj with a man you do not respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

I have a suspicion dgtal is on to something. It would seem plausible that she had an affair and that's why she put the breaks on. She may find that such an intimate thing that she no longer wants to be that intimate with you. I think not getting a bj in itself is not a reason to divorce. However, not getting a bj may be indicative of a much bigger problem.

FWIW, my wife would rarely give me bj's. We had a lot of other problems too but she was never really into it. Had everything else been fine I could have lived with only the occasional bj but she stopped having sex altogether.

Some women do indeed not like it or any oral sex and feel it's dirty. But my guess is something happened.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

I do not agree on this being an emotional issue between the two parties...I believe it is psychological....Something in her mind that makes this wrong...Disgusting...You name it...

As for refusing her oral sex if she didn't perform this act...Many would say OK...I have my toys...I believe that in some instances that a man must be able to accept just her sucking and stimulating him and forget the ejaculation...For a woman who is bothered by this, this would a big enough step to take and he must accept this...

Now I will add one more thing...As a woman ages she gets more sexual...She grows...Is much more willing to learn...Sometimes get downright dirty....But, this is life...For many men this can be some of the best times in your life...

I used to have a site......Yet, I can say without any reservation, that women wrote to me more about this subject than anything...For many they just plain hated it...I also believe that many marriages after they reach a certain point fail because of this pressure being put on women...They hate it...Please understand these are not my thoughts, but of many women....


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

While the forum here is waxing on endlessly with THE PSYCHOBABBLE OF BLOWJOBS, nobody has addressed this from a moral standpoint, since that was the original question.

I would draw only on several moralist's across time and distance and surmise that:

No, it is NOT ethical to leave your wife if she refuses to give you a blowjob.

Assuming your marriage is fully consummated otherwise, therefore valid, this is not morally justifiable grounds for dissolving your partnership and vows, at least not from any moral standpoint I have gleaned, other than maybe from "Moral Relavism", which I admit, is pretty popular here as a philosophy.

Moral Relavism states that every act (divorce in this case) is decided if moral or not based on the individual circumstances. 

A hippy saying, "It's all relative, man." comes to mind. Liberals tend towards moral relavism. On the opposite end is Moral Absolutism. Die-hard Conservatives are here. MOst of us lie in between.

As a Moral Moderate though, I can't find a justifiable moral reason for basing ending a marriage on this.

Good luck on your quest.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Women..
What is so much work about giving a BJ?
I understand many of you do enjoy giving them..but what about the ones that dont? 
Its like sucking-licking a lolypop without the calories am I right? 
sooo? Whats the issue? 
You women have NO IDEA how tiring our tongues got for the first few months of us giving Cunnilingus to our women..seriously, but I treated it like..the more I do it the better I will get at it..(kinda like working out..accept Im making someone else feel good)
I understand some women have problems with their jaws getting sore and stuff..but whats so bad about licking? Sucking? Not every BJ has to be deep throat style..

Sorry to get a little off topic..but reading this thread (and many others) makes me wonder this..
Maybe somehow this can help us men understand why it is that our women only gave our penises proper attention for a 2-3 week period shortly after our relationships became intimate then after just stopped.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

For many it is disgusting having to fill their mouth with your ejaculate...If I was not in deep passion for a man I couldn't do this...I have told many women to just spit it in a cup rather than swallow...This is because they didn't want to perform this act...One woman told me that she told her husband, that if he thinks it tastes so darn good then jack off for a few days and fill your own whiskey cup and swallow it all.....He wouldn't, thus the end of their problem...... 

IMO, women do not demand you give us oral sex...This is a "U" thing...We could get along without it...I would never tell my husband that he had to give me oral sex to satisfy me...I love it, but it is not a demand thing....Yet, I will also say that he can't resist me...I know man and his desires and use my womanly ways in every way that I can...IMO, this is the secret of keeping a man young........

FYI, I have told my husband many times that I would blow him and take it in...He won't allow me to do this...He thinks this disrespects a woman...And believe me, he is a cool cat....Yet, I understand that each of us has our own agenda for hot sex and what turns us on.....Some love it and others don't...

Unfortunately, many women cannot get past the thought of sucking on a di*k and having to follow through....Many can't stand the pre cum....Many people watch this site...This alone is the reason that I am here....We who speak are but a small minority....For me I speak as age...I feel that when you have been married this long and can still turn a man to mush, you have done something as well are still doing something right...And may I add, still do....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marriedguy said:


> Women..
> What is so much work about giving a BJ?
> I understand many of you do enjoy giving them..but what about the ones that dont?
> Its like sucking-licking a lolypop without the calories am I right?
> ...


I can only speak for myself of coarse but for 19 years of my marraige, giving BJ's was not something I desired to do at all. I remember there even being somewhat of a Fear there of his genitals- just like WOW, what do I do with that! Scary. 

I accually used it as a bribe once in a blue moon (Yes, I am terrible!!) and didn't even finish him off ! He should have been furious with me ,but never was! 

In my case, it was all a "dirty" mindset on the act itself , being pathetically uneducated & totally niave about sex & Pleasuring a man. Period. That is all it took to destroy desire for it. If only I set out to overcome this earlier in my marraige.

These hangups robbed my husband of near 19 years of pleasure I could have been bestowing on him. I am MAD at myself for many of my inhibitions of our past, it robbed us both. 

Married Guy is totally correct - it is nothing more than a glorified Lolli pop. Once I got over this retarted mindset I had, I just about woshipped his penis and this has lasted near 3 years now. I love pleasuring him that way, want to do it all the time, I would be upset if he didn't want it! 

Husband has always wanted to go down on me, I used to push him away,- felt that was "dirty" too-my mind blocked the pleausure of it - all I kept thinkign was "how in Gods name could he enjoy that?" - I was screwed up! 

Now we both are enjoying these things like we should have been all along. I am very happy he wants to go there, It makes me feel especially loved- I have such an appreciation for it now, I see the beautiful gift it is - to give to the one you love. Men want to feel loved like this too. Feeling our lovers want every part of us - nothing can compare. 

Probably not "ethical" to leave but I can see a man being inwardly sorrowlful for many years of his marraige if he is being denied . So he is left with just fantasies. Even those would be get painful knowing his wife has zero desire to ever indulge. Let's face it -It is a craving, you can try to put it down, but it will still come back up time & time again.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> Women..
> What is so much work about giving a BJ?
> I understand many of you do enjoy giving them..but what about the ones that dont?
> Its like sucking-licking a lolypop without the calories am I right?
> ...


I'm not so sure that it's like a lollypop without the calories lol. It hasn't tasted of strawberry... yet. I have no issue with giving head. It turns me on. It turns me on that it turns him on! Things of a sexual nature are rarely just the case of "Why can't you just do ____?" I'm sure you know that most of the time these things are psychologically and emotionally related. I used to ask my H not to release in my mouth. He respected that. I'll be completely honest and divulge the main reason for this was that I was fairly young and immature and listened to a close female friend who told me the taste was disgusting and after listening to her stories, I concluded that I wouldn't do this. But I overlooked the fact that she hated giving her husband bj's or having sex and intimacy.

I awoke to the fact that her view on sex and how she interacted with her husband was completely different to me - and this is why I stated before that I was being immature, by thinking her truth was valid for me. I still remember the look of amazement (before we were married) when I took my H by surprise one day and asked him to finish in my mouth. I had no problem with the taste and felt foolish for not doing this sooner. I might also add that part of the attraction with doing this for him is that he never asked it of me. He was being a "nice guy" and listened to my requests not to and also didn't ask. We all know being a nice guy can be a double-edged sword but perhaps because I felt respected (and it's not to say that if he'd asked I would have felt disrespected, but bare with me, it gets a little tricky in my own mind here) and felt I could completely trust him which in turn had me wanting to do this for him/us. He still doesn't ask me. He now _tells_ me what's going to happen  Everyone is different. Everyone's mindset and experience with sex is different.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I just have to say as a woman - doing chores is not a route to getting bj. I strongly advise you to work on the underlying problem in your relationship. Doing your fair share of household chores is not a downpayment on a bj that would make your wife a service worker.
> 
> I don't think she sees herself as providing you with a sex services. Rather she will be motivated if she respects you and you are behaving like a man who knows how to make his way around in the world.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

To give a guy a BJ I have to l0ove him and respect him as a man. he can't in any way behave like a child.


And Married guy I can assure it is very tiring to give a bj, your mouth lips and tongue get very sore after a while, it's not easy at all. 

I however like doing it, it does turn me on and I love my SO so want him to enjoy himself with me.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good posts from SA and Hearts. It is a psychological thing; you have to have the right attitude sexually to want to give a BJ. For many women, the little girl eewww factor must be overcome. You have to want to give your husband sexual pleasure.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Good question MG - no simple explanation. I have to echo Three and many woman hate it or are indifferent. I don't think many women look forward to giving a bj as a sexual turn-on. The women I know, give them for their husband's/bf's. 

If there are problems in the relationship there may be little desire to do bj because it is just for him. Another thing - Saying it's no big deal is really annoying. It seems like a lack of appreciation. Minimizing the difficulty of giving a good one is like saying that a providing for a family is no big deal. Try it on a dildo if you don't believe me - you have to keep your lips over your teeth, apply preassure the right amount with them, move your head at the right rhythm, use your hands, keep up the action for 15 min or more. 

If after all of that you complain about swallowing..... well hope you get it. It may be the attitude of the man, I'd have a hard time giving them if I felt they were required or my husband was entitled. I don't know if you can understand that. It not that you have grovel and say thank you that would mske the man seem pathetic. But don't complain seem dissatisfied or angry. My technique was terrible at first my husband made a joke out of it while we worked on it, it was fun. Like working on something difficult with my best buddy. It makes us closer. He is always affectionate afterwards. 

It is difficult- my lips swell, get chapped, and sore and my jaw hurts afterwards if it takes too long. I don't complain or feel it's a big deal because the outcome a happy husband and it is worth it. my advice is to try and control disappointment and up the fun light factor. Don't let her associate negative husband reactions withe the act. Don't act grateful so much as just happy and satisfied. 

Here is my opinion - If there is more you want or better to introduce it in a light way, like you are working on a project together with a novice you really care about. don't be a critic or a judge, that is an awful attitude to have with what should be mutually sensual and loving. Makes it seem like a job inteview . When that happens it becomes a battle of wills. Put yourself in your wife's/gf's place and really see it from their point of view and suspend your thought for a moment. 

That my opinion and I'm sticking to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

heartsbreaking said:


> I had no problem with the taste and felt foolish for not doing this sooner. I might also add that part of the attraction with doing this for him is that he never asked it of me. He was being a "nice guy" and listened to my requests not to and also didn't ask. We all know being a nice guy can be a double-edged sword but perhaps because I felt respected (and it's not to say that if he'd asked I would have felt disrespected, but bare with me, it gets a little tricky in my own mind here) and felt I could completely trust him which in turn had me wanting to do this for him/us. He still doesn't ask me. He now _tells_ me what's going to happen  Everyone is different. Everyone's mindset and experience with sex is different.


This burns me a little bit, though I AGREE with what you are saying -but too a point, my NICE GUY was Toooooooooo Freakin' NICE. And this did us ZERO ZERO ZERO favors. I doubt a living soul can relate to this but anyway, this is how it was with US......

Looking back, there were UMPTEEM things he could have did to "tease" me into trying to give him Bjs, Oh MY GOD, it literally angers me. 

So many things went unsaid, untried cause HE was trying to be RESPECTFUL... Some of this is not about Bjs... 

Every night I would lay my head on his lap on the couch, watching movies together, he would run his fingers through my hair, caress my arms, scratch my back when I sit up (loved this!), I used to ask him if he wanted his back scratched, -he never did --but he COULD HAVE said "Hey honey , you can scratch something else!" with a big smile . (never happened). NEVER!! Should I have thought about it - YES ! but my mind was just other places, he needed to AROUSE it sometimes, take a chance. He was thinking it ! 

In our younger years I used to swim under his legs in the pool, he told me the other day swimming -he always wanted me to grab him, touch him & I couldn't understand why I never did . I answerd back --"WHY didn't you say something to me , tease me a little , grab me there so I might do it back !!!" He didn't try to even get me flirting sexually, he had the thoughts - how raging I am not sure - but just remained respectful, took what I gave & did & nothing more. 

We talked about this BJ thing last night..... I asked how he felt those 19 L -O-N- G years without my mouth there , he said it was SAD, he was disappointed, he ALWAYS wanted MORE - but he admitted he had hope. (not sure why -given the way I was!). 

BUt still he did NOTHING- absolutely NOTHING to get me interested, literally not ONE WORD of enticement to have me go there - I believe this further kept me boring & vanilla, I was just not thinking about it. He needed to "challenge" me some on this. 

Zillions of times laying in our bed watching movies again (still do this) with my head laying on his stomach -MY mouth RIGHT there, I would play with him while we watched TV, he used to lay there thinking "if only she would suck me" but NEVER EVER EVER EVER said a word! Now had I had any idea he was laying there thinking these things - so strongly -wanting this, I really don't feel I would have rejected TRYING TO make his day, rock his world. Even if it wasn't may favorotite thing, he needed to KEEP pursuing my interest, as it was important to him. 

So MEN who are too respecful and never say anything -this is *not *the way to be either. Had we to live our lives all over again, I feel he could have at least HINTED, TEASED, ASKED in fun ways, showed me a little flirtatous begging. My God, at least that !!! 

It *angers *me he didn't do that. I think TOOO much about what we missed, you have to excuse me. IN a way , writing on here is a therapy for my regrets. I don't know. And to help others not make our mistakes. 

Just last night I started crying -sitting on top of him naked, so free / happy but NEVER did that when we were younger, always wanted the lights out, under the covers , he never enjoyed my body in the daylight. Yes, we enjoy it now, but he wanted so much more. He never pressured me on that either. 

I NEEDED some pressure, I needed some coaxing. 

I can tell every one of you, with the personality I have, completely different from my husbands, I know I would more likely be TEMPTED to be like some of these overbearing husbands who PUSH it too far, that would be my challenge -to reign it in. SO I can sympathize with them, even in their lust for this act.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

SA:

I love your posts! Do not regret the past; the water of your current love is so much sweeter because you know what it is like to be in a drought.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

SA your post is so wonderfully real and needs to be seen by more of the members of TAM - can you make it a sticky in an appropriate section of the forum. I think it would be good for women and all of the nice guys out there. It Speaks to them and about them. :0}
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovesherman said:


> SA:
> 
> I love your posts! Do not regret the past; the water of your current love is so much sweeter because you know what it is like to be in a drought.




I appreciate your words Lovesherman. I agree with them too. I am still in the Process of working out my regrets. I still let it get to me at times, more than I care to admit. 

So many things we talk about NOW, we realize how utterly utterly utterly FOOLISH we were, all the things we could have done- I play it over in my mind, I reenact it. We let SO VERY MUCH slip through our fingers like water, both of our faults - Oh how I would give anything for a time machine, to visit yesterday- when he wanted SO much more and it would have been SO easy to GIVE. 

But I will overcome!! Part of that is probably being HERE sharing these things so very openly. A way to get every nick & cranny out of my system. And shed some wisdom to others if they even have an inkling of these types of hangups. 

I realize many people are not even with who they loved in their teens & 20's, so my madness is so very TINY in comparison. 

My oldest son said to me the other day (we have talked openly about SOME of this stuff to him- I know that sounds crazy! )- after all he is taking Psyche in College & wants to be a Counselor himself -so communication / relationships will be his specialty too! 

He laid on the floor listening, taking it all in -we had another GOOD friend here, then he says to me..... 

" Mom, You are PASSIONATE about all of this because you are ANGRY, all you can do NOW is share this with others, help them to NOT make these mistakes in their marraige" then he adds ...." but speak against religion -NOT JESUS in doing so". I kinda laughed at that part. But I think he summed it up pretty nicely what is DRIVING me to post on these forums . 

So my christian son sees a PASSION there & a purpose to my madness. Ultimately I have to "let this go" but might as well use this outlet to spare others from walking the path I did. I will admit - I am pretty passionate about that, I think it would be grand to write a book about "sexual repression" someday. 

Thanks Catherine, not sure about a sticky, there are very very very few men as backwards as my dear husband.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

SA have you noticed from reading the post from men who are sexually frustrated that they sound almost apoligetic for their desires? Some say out right that they feel bad about desiring their wives, or having sexual fantasies they would like to share. I have even read once of twice that the poster was looking for ways of turning off desire. 

I think you post speaks to those men in a way. I think there are many men who hesitate to reveal their sexuall thoughts and desires to their wives for fear of rejection. 

I have an idea. Why don't you start an advice thread for men with the idea of solving some of the sexual disconnect from a real life women's point of view. You could answer question give advice and field advice from others. 

A lot of the advice given to sexually starved men is misdirected IMO. Sitting down with the wife and talking about sexual dissatisfaction may work fir a week or two but is not a permanent solution. I think it is because sex is not the problem and it would be better to talk about relationship issues and use sex as a barometer. 

One of the biggest mistakes I perceive is judgement, anger, impatience, and standards when dealing with sex. I can iderstand why a man would feels those but it does not work to show them. Additionally, those attitudes don't belong in a loving sexual relationship, I think. 

I think making suggestion in an area of the forum that can easily be found and referee to like the Manning up post the men have would be good. If it is well thought out and in the spirit of good will then it should work. What do you think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> SA have you noticed from reading the post from men who are sexually frustrated that they sound almost apoligetic for their desires? Some say out right that they feel bad about desiring their wives, or having sexual fantasies they would like to share. I have even read once of twice that the poster was looking for ways of turning off desire.


 MY husband use to feel this way, every day he would wake up with an erection and just want it to go away. How sad is that.  I often slept with the babies inbetween us (after so many years of not being able to conceive, once they started coming, it was all about them- shame shame on me!). They got most of my physical affection, holding them at night. Sometimes he would even sleep on the floor so we had the bed. God, where was my head! I feel like such a horrible wife even saying these things.  

SO yeah, he would have WISHED his desires away , they were like a scourge to him, he was a dissapointed man, a sad man, one who put his wife and kids a little TOOOOO much in front of himself. Way too much in my opinion.

I will have to think about what you said, I still think this type of man is very very rare. Most say something, get mad. My husband didn't. Once I asked him if he was jealous of me sleeping with the kids, instead of being honest, he blew that off and answered in such a way to allow me to think it was fine & didn't bother him. 

Why did he do that !! If I was him, I would have blown the freaking roof off of the house the 1st week of that. 

I will definietly consider what you are saying - I just deleted a thread I did a few days ago about MEN who like 'The CHASE" -how it gives them a rush to conquer a woman, even the rejecting women. My husband was never like this either- Had none of that in him. Rejection on him was probably 20 times harder than on those who LOVE the chase. I wish now I would not have deleted that thread, oh well. 




> One of the biggest mistakes I perceive is judgement, anger, impatience, and standards when dealing with sex. I can iderstand why a man would feels those but it does not work to show them. Additionally, those attitudes don't belong in a loving sexual relationship


 I undestand what you are saying here, but sorry -I LOVE my husband and I would be freaking angry impatient and a sh** load of unfavoable things if he didn't want my sexual attention, and was rejecting me. We are only human, I know what it feels like to have that intense drive . IT can make you a bit MAD, doing things, thinking things you never thought you ever would. BUt that doesn't mean we do not love. 

I agree it is not the best way to handle it- showing that madness. Frankly, I think it would be better to just divorce if a spouse couldn't understand it, easy for me to say but I don't think too much grass would grow under my feet if I was in such a sitaution. 

I have a very hard time sympathizing with a lower drive person, probably because I am so ANGRY at myself for NOT being a better wife back then --and having been on both sides of this - it is not even comparable to me -how much EASIER it would have been for me to step it up --in comparison to putting that feeling DOWN -when It came upon me. 

If he didn't take care of me, I could have fallen -had the right opporuntity presented itself. I see why men are of the weaker sex. Easily . That is a scary thought & one I never EVER thought I would entertain -not with the type of marriage I have. But I KNOW it could have happened -had he rejected me, and I didn't feel his desire. 

My husband is a better person than me, he could LIVE with it - I couldn't have. I don't fault anyone who is like myself or would accuse them of NOT loving their spouse. I would accuse them of being human. I know how much I love my husband.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

To me a blow joy has always meant swallowing a man's cum...Never have I thought of it as anything different...I believe that a woman should give a man oral sex...For a man this can be the difference in his potency and not feeling proud of himself...I had to learn about life...Took me years to grow into who I am...By my 40's I was doing good, 50's brought on a newer change...Now I am all the woman that any man could want...And I say this with humility, as I had to learn what and who a woman should be...

We are pretty vanilla with a twist of chocolate...Tried anal sex a couple of times and my husband hates it...Me, I have the wilder streak...I have also came across men that don't want to give women oral sex...It's a hang up....Getting past it can be terrible...Part of you wants to do it and the other part doesn't....Sometimes a few drinks can help...But, please understand I both love giving and receiving oral sex...My husband is the most loved man in the world...And may I add that he should be....You see he had to wait for me to grow up and mature into this place in life where I live...

About four years ago I met a woman...She had been married for 20 years....They had divorced after his second affair....She started writing me at my site...Just short messages at first, then long notes...Gradually she came out with what she needed to know...That being giving a man oral sex...She said she had never done this before...I told her how and what to do...She used this on the man that she was seeing...She wrote me afterwards and told me how gratifying that this was....She had also told me prior that she and her ex-husband were so close...He was remarried to the second woman from the affair...She went home to where he lived for their son's wedding...They saw each other for the first time in about five years...She told me it was so hard as he still loved her and she loved him...She said to me if I only knew then what I know now we would still be together....That being "giving him oral sex"....

IMO, this can make or break a marriage if it is not used...If you don't want to swallow then spit...But, love a man to death....Life is far too short...Take care....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Threetimesalady said:


> ...She said to me if I only knew then what I know now we would still be together....That being "giving him oral sex"....
> 
> IMO, this can make or break a marriage if it is not used...If you don't want to swallow then spit...But, love a man to death....Life is far too short...Take care....


LOVE your post ThreeTimesAlady , I would give such advice as well . No matter what our hang ups are , we NEED to work on them & ultimately overcome -for the pleasure of the one we love & cherish. 

Us women need to understand our men and love them passionately and madly . Every licking inch of them.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This burns me a little bit, though I AGREE with what you are saying -but too a point, my NICE GUY was Toooooooooo Freakin' NICE. And this did us ZERO ZERO ZERO favors.


SA I always love reading your honest thoughts and I recognize your feelings with this. I didn't expand on my thoughts but this is why I wrote that being a nice guy can be a double-edged sword and why it gets confusing in my own mind.

He's always known I had a kinky mind as I've not hesitated in expressing it but he placed me on that damn pedestal. He admitted that for a time it was hard to encourage a bj from me as he viewed it as dirty, even though he of course loves them. As Catherine wrote, he'd been slightly conditioned to feel apologetic for desiring his wife. If he'd been more open with me earlier, to not have fallen into nice guy territory sexually, and taken more of the lead, this might have happened much sooner.

In saying this - which is where it gets confusing to me - maybe it's because I felt respected and loved that I _could_ break through my own mental barrier related to the 'finale'. There was no feeling of dissatisfaction from him and everything in my mind about giving head was fun, positive and sexy. It was also a turn on for me to encourage him that first time it happened. I've been coaxing him to recognize it's not only GOOD to be dirty with his wife but that I WANT this too. I don't need a pedestal and the princess crown is easily removed. He's not timid, I just think his mind-state was slightly misguided with regards to having respect and love for me and also wanting this from me and encouraging it to happen. It seems he just needed the green light again. Now he allows himself to be 'dirty' again and afterwards puts his Nice Guy hat back on. This is a great combination! To be noted: he's a Nice Guy, not a Door Mat. I love when I know he's pushing his own mental boundaries with me sexually. It's a huge turn on. 

I think it's wonderful you have a loving relationship with your husband and evolved TOGETHER to be where you are now. I also love that you speak with your children openly. My H and I were talking about our recent issues and noted that we don't have role models to give us solid advice about the fundamental workings of successful relationships. We have learned so much through all of this (and continuing to do so), usually fumbling through it together, sometimes striding together, but together nonetheless.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Heartsbreaking : I definitely agreed with the Double edged sword part of your post, and I _KNEW _what you meant , and agree with it. Aren't forums great, so we can take a peice of a paragragh and extend MORE indepth thoughts. 

Much of what you say as well is how my husband was too, I was on that darn pedestal -our whole marraige. Catherine is on to something about these types of men, I was just convincing myself mine was such a rare bird , noone can possibly relate to him, but I guess I am wrong. Such other men Do exist. 

I also had no feeling of dissatisfaction ever-from him. But his verbal passivity did make me question how much he wanted it, I really love when someone is expressive , ya know , a little more ooommmpphhh. But that is just not his personality - It is MINE. How very opposite we are, we are night & freaking day. 

We didn't have any good role models either-- means nothing, we make our own destiny's. 

My older son is so much his own man, he stands up to me, sometimes I think his sheer purity is a subtle form of rebellion to me. Kinda nuts. Tells me what for, a chip off the old block . But I love him being THAT way. We each sharpen each others minds having differences of opionion.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I havent read this whole thread but you might as well have been writing my story in your first post. Foreplay is imparitive for me and the sex I enjoy. If I had known 9 years later she would completely cut me off like a bad sitcom I wouldnt have married her. There are tons of women out there that have no issues give BJ's...just my bad luck that I still love my wife. I'm sure you feel the same way.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> LOVE your post ThreeTimesAlady , I would give such advice as well . No matter what our hang ups are , we NEED to work on them & ultimately overcome -for the pleasure of the one we love & cherish.
> 
> Us women need to understand our men and love them passionately and madly . Every licking inch of them.


Thanks SA....It took me so long to learn, but fortunately I had a husband who was patient and waited for me to break free...He always says that it was worth the wait....As for me, I love to play sexual games in my mind when we are having sex...By doing this I find that I can make him one hot stud and be wilder than a marsh hare....Boy, did I have fun with David and Victoria Beckham....

I love sucking on a man....I think it is the most erotic feeling that a woman can have...Please, don't ever worry about growing older...It is the most lustful and confusing time in your life...Reason being, a piece of paper tells you that you are old, and your body tells you that you are young...Saying this, I toss out the paper....The secret being, man must feel this way too....And, IMO, the only way he can is to have a woman behind him loving him to death...Life is good...Thanks and take care...C


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Threetimesalady said:


> Please, don't ever worry about growing older...It is the most lustful and confusing time in your life...Reason being, a piece of paper tells you that you are old, and your body tells you that you are young...Saying this, I toss out the paper....The secret being, man must feel this way too....And, IMO, the only way he can is to have a woman behind him loving him to death...Life is good..


 It is TRULY ENCOURAGING to hear from a woman much older that *the fires are still *"*raging*", the way you talk & express how you feel - wow- you are my Hero 3timesaLady!! Ha ha . I say to myself, that is going to be ME! I want to be that LUSTY grandma grabbing Grandpas tool - ha ha . I am almost positive my mouth will be, some things learned will never die. You give me hope the body will follow, no matter my age, menopause get out of my way! 

Most of my friends my age go on about all the older Rock bands for the 80's -90's , want to see them in concert, not me. I want to see who is HOT TODAY, I fit in well with the younger crowd. I can hang with the best of them. It isn't our age, it is our "attitude". 

Same thing with the subject of this thread that we Hi-jacked ! SORRY! My husband will be 50 in 2 yrs, HATE the thought of this, but I have to kick this out of my head, he looks pretty damn good for his age. I've been told the same. A youthful attitude will hold those "years" back. 

When I wasn't giving my husband those Bj's, he seemed like he was slowing down, he had a heavier heart too-just didn't laugh as much ya know, more stressed about work. I even sent him to the ENcron for this Testosterone to be checked for goodness sakes. I swear his levels are better TODAY 3 years later, even though he is supposed to be slowing down little by little. I have to believe this is because of our very sexual & flirtingly playful lifestyle with each other. 

Sex Your Way to Better Health: A Dozen Reasons Why You Should Have Sex Tonight - Health News | Current Health News | Medical News - FOXNews.com


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Threetimesalady said:


> Thanks SA....It took me so long to learn, but fortunately I had a husband who was patient and waited for me to break free...He always says that it was worth the wait....As for me, I love to play sexual games in my mind when we are having sex...By doing this I find that I can make him one hot stud and be wilder than a marsh hare....Boy, did I have fun with David and Victoria Beckham....
> 
> I love sucking on a man....I think it is the most erotic feeling that a woman can have...Please, don't ever worry about growing older...It is the most lustful and confusing time in your life...Reason being, a piece of paper tells you that you are old, and your body tells you that you are young...Saying this, I toss out the paper....The secret being, man must feel this way too....And, IMO, the only way he can is to have a woman behind him loving him to death...Life is good...Thanks and take care...C


WOW just WOW

I dont know why but these last few post put me in mind of a Roy Orbison song "A love so beautiful" Roy Orbison - A Love So Beautiful - YouTube

Can't forget how good we have it. Don't throw it away for stupid things. That what I have learned in the last year.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It is TRULY ENCOURAGING to hear from a woman much older that *the fires are still *"*raging*", the way you talk & express how you feel - wow- you are my Hero 3timesaLady!! Ha ha . I say to myself, that is going to be ME! I want to be that LUSTY grandma grabbing Grandpas tool - ha ha . I am almost positive my mouth will be, some things learned will never die. You give me hope the body will follow, no matter my age, menopause get out of my way!
> 
> Most of my friends my age go on about all the older Rock bands for the 80's -90's , want to see them in concert, not me. I want to see who is HOT TODAY, I fit in well with the younger crowd. I can hang with the best of them. It isn't our age, it is our "attitude".
> 
> ...



Thank you for the kind words Simply Amorous......I only speak of being a woman and feeling the lust for a man that I do...When I fell in love with my husband, I fell hook, line and sinker...I adored him...He was everything that I ever wanted...My greatest gift was yet to come...That being that he felt the same about me...

I don't think of myself as being a lusty Grandma....Come to think of it, you could possible put a "great" in front of it if you chose to...Instead I think of myself as a hot and erotic woman that wants man...By being this and truly being able to let all my inhibitions loose, I alone have made myself young...Being this person that I am, I transfer this feeling of youth to my husband...He never knows if he is going to be fondled or hugged....It is who we are...This is what we were when we were young and why change as you age?...

I guess we may have Hi-jacked this thread, but it is for the good...It is for the good of the women that may think they have it so good that they don't have to be the lover that they used to be...I was always hot before marriage, but improved with age...Women must fondle, suck and give foreplay to their partner in order to keep him young...I will be adding a post in time proving my point...But this is enough for it here...My husband is on no kind of performance drug....Just hot love that makes him feel like a stud....

You are so right about your sexual flirting and hot foreplay that promises of what is to come...Sometimes it can get so hot that you can't wait.....This happened to us not long ago when they were installing the walk in shower...I cringe thinking of it now...Workman at one end of the house and two horny people in heat at the other.......

A woman is a man's aphrodisiac and he is her master....He completes me....As for me, if I had to, I would push a peanut around the block for him...

I am adding this near midnight the same night...Reason being: I have never stated anything like my husband being my master, ever before in my life...Yet, something happened about four years back that made me realize just how much woman need man....Even though the two of us are on an even plane in life, my hunger for him will only be stilled by the fact that he is a man....This is only accomplished by having sexual intercourse...If ever happened again what happened at that time of lust and love, I can say without any reservation that I would take and enjoy any and everything he had....It was that kind of a night....Take care...C


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> WOW just WOW
> 
> I dont know why but these last few post put me in mind of a Roy Orbison song "A love so beautiful" Roy Orbison - A Love So Beautiful - YouTube
> 
> Can't forget how good we have it. Don't throw it away for stupid things. That what I have learned in the last year.


Thank you for that song....It is so lovely....I guess that this is what happens when a woman is in love...To this day I am a bundle of mush and will be until the day I die....He completes me...He is who I am....

A couple of months ago my husband came upstairs from his hobby room downstairs...He had been on the computer...He told me to play this song...He said he had it on his favorites....It is what he thinks of when he thinks of me....It has touched me deeply.......

Ray Price - "You're The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me" on Opry Live - YouTube

Life is good....Thanks again....Take care...C


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## jtreason (Aug 4, 2011)

Reading through this thread sort of makes me upset because I get to hear from all of these women how much they like to give BJs. I have tried talking to my wife about it and every time I bring it up, she gets upset and says that she thinks it is disgusting. I have made sure I am always fresh down there and I am in almost as good shape as when we got married. What makes me more upset is she loves it when I go down on her. I have put my tongue in more than 1 hole and she always goes wild. I do it not only because I enjoy it, but also because I know it makes her happy.All I'm asking for is a simple BJ. When she used to do it before, I never finished in her mouth or face. We just used it as an appetizer before sex. Now I'm frustrated and almost ready to cheat. I feel that everyone man deserves BJs and her neglect of this may have a serious impact on our marriage.

I know people say that maybe she changed her mind about it or maybe something happened to her but I can't seem to figure out whatever it is. We are both in our twenties and hopefully have a life life ahed of us. I strongly feel it is downright wrong of her to do this even if she doesn't like giving them. She should still do it because it makes me happy.


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## georgina (Aug 14, 2011)

could it be something simple? as i love giving my hubby bj's but only if he has completely shaved down there as cannot stand a mouthful of hair... and wouldnt expect him to have that with me either.. just a thought??


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

jtreason said:


> Reading through this thread sort of makes me upset because I get to hear from all of these women how much they like to give BJs. I have tried talking to my wife about it and every time I bring it up, she gets upset and says that she thinks it is disgusting. I have made sure I am always fresh down there and I am in almost as good shape as when we got married. What makes me more upset is she loves it when I go down on her. I have put my tongue in more than 1 hole and she always goes wild. I do it not only because I enjoy it, but also because I know it makes her happy.All I'm asking for is a simple BJ. When she used to do it before, I never finished in her mouth or face. We just used it as an appetizer before sex. Now I'm frustrated and almost ready to cheat. I feel that everyone man deserves BJs and her neglect of this may have a serious impact on our marriage.
> 
> I know people say that maybe she changed her mind about it or maybe something happened to her but I can't seem to figure out whatever it is. We are both in our twenties and hopefully have a life life ahed of us. I strongly feel it is downright wrong of her to do this even if she doesn't like giving them. She should still do it because it makes me happy.


jt ~

Based upon your other post about you and your wife's EAs, I would make a guess that your wife is not willing to give you a bj because she feels resentful and doesn't trust you.

I think the relationship issues need to be worked out before something like giving you a bj would start again. For many people, there needs to be a high degree of trust, respect, and love in order to give their partner a bj.

Are you two doing anything (IC, MC?) to try and repair your marital relationship?

Best wishes.


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## wellrich (Jan 12, 2012)

I am grateful to OP for starting this thread, as it has given me a lot of insight into my feelings and failed marriage. I was married for 12 years, three children and I was an involved father (even Stay-at-Home Dad for a year). Otherwise always employed, nice house in the burbs, and nice vacations. My In-laws liked me more than their own son, who was cranky, lazy and critical. I even built a house for my in-laws. I'm sure we appeared to everyone on the outside as a storybook success. Or so they thought...

I was naive and inexperienced when I met my ex. Having only a handful (less than five) girlfriends at the age of 30, none of which lasted more than 3 months. I rushed in and married a 29 year old virgin who still lived with her mom and dad. I jumped in and said "I DO" without any indication of whether we would be sexually compatible (she wanted to be a virgin until our honeymoon night and never did anything but make out fully clothed before the wedding). Turns out wife was not all sexually open and refused to give me blow jobs, although I would willingly go down on her. Not that she asked for it, but I thought it would make her feel good. Unlike me, she never washed up before sex, only after, which was a pretty good indication of how she felt about sex. It was something to wash up after because it was dirty, not to wash up in advance for. Blow jobs were out of the question, she wouldn't even kiss my ****. If we were not trying to get her pregnant, sex was infrequent and I had to beg. I resigned myself to this "new normal", and got addicted to porn and self-pleasure gradually over the years.

I met someone at work who became my office wife. 10 years younger than me, this person made me feel like I was still desirable. We spent lots of time together but never crossed the line. I was still trying to do the right thing for my family and resist the temptation. This woman made me realize that something was seriously wrong with my home life (I was in love with her and no longer in love with my ex). I suggested to my ex that we go to counseling, but my ex refused. Her ultra-conservative views of sex spilled into her opinions of counseling, that "we just don't talk about these things with outsiders"... I was at my wits end, and to this day, I use that refusal to go to counseling as my final ethical justification for ending my marriage. The other justifications were infrequent sex, scorekeeping, using sex as an occasional reward for chores done, not being into sex, and never initiating. For all I knew, she could have had a lover on the side, because are there really any people out there who are so prudish?

Now I know that I was trying to be the "nice guy" at all times and put my needs on the back burner, but that will only come back and bite you down the road. I have learned a lot from this experience and have resolved to be completely open with my new partner. Remember that your needs are your own and no one can take those away from you or ridicule you for having them (as much as they may try to make you repress them). I used to think that I was just a pervert with a one-track mind and needed to be cleansed of my dirty thoughts, but now that I have met someone who is on the same page with me, I am extremely happy and realize that I am a normal man. All five of the women that I have dated in the past two years since my divorce love to give BJ's and the "new normal" is so much better than what I had before. I do have days though where I think I should have tried harder with the ex, mainly spurred on my thoughts of my kids. I see them a few days a week, but they are not under my roof and that hurts. Thank you to SimplyAmorous and others here for sharing their innermost thoughts and revalidating things in my head. 

(sorry for the rambling stream of consciousness post)


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## mr_olson25 (Jan 23, 2012)

I have been married nearly 15 years & been with her for 20. She was 17 & I was 19 when we met. We had a pretty good time but BJs weren't her most favorite thing to do so I would let her take the lead. If she wanted to then I would let her but never forced. My wife went through a diet phase where she lost a ton of weight & got looking really good. She was proud of her new body & would go out on the town with her girlfriends. She would come home after I was in bed & wake me up with a BJ & a good roll in the sheets. She also was reading health magazines & tried some techniques that I really enjoyed. . 

My booming business started getting in the way of a normal life so our sex life fell apart for a couple of years. When I tried to get it going again she felt awkward & shy. After some time we got past that. Then this past New Years we were at a party & she was pretty drunk & kept making hints. When the party ended we went home where she gave me the best BJ I had ever had! It was like she was an expert.

Last night we went out with some friends & when we got home we ended up in bed & she asked me to go down on her. She had a huge O & was relaxed. When I positioned myself for my turn I got "I suppose you want a BJ?" I replied "kind of" & she said "S**T!" She did proceed but I could tell her heart wasn't into it so I stopped it. It is hard to get into it if it feels forced.

Today we talked about it & she said that I have known for years she did not like to do it. While true, many times she did it completely on her own accord. Talk about mixed messages. Then she pointed out she was drunk & she doesn't remember giving me most of them in the past 5 years. Glad her time with me was memorable.

So that being said I told her that I will never ask, expect or accept a BJ ever again. I don't need to get my hopes up it might happen or for her to feel pressured. Am I happy about it? HELL NO! I am nearly 40, been with her 20 years (half of my life) & now it has become an issue. Kind of like a little "false advertising." Guess I can look at it this way, my life is half over (if I live to 80). I feel kind of shallow feeling this way, but it is what it is. 

I feel rejected & unwanted. It wasn't the case for many years & now it is. It can only happen if she is drunk? How thoughtful. I guess my happiness not as important as hers. I never asked or expected her to finish me off or swallow, just a little oral attention as a foreplay kind of thing. I don't want to leave her over this, but I can see why the question came up. We have lost a connection we had for so long & I am made to look like an insensitive selfish ass. Sad but true......


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## Hornyaccountant (Mar 1, 2018)

jtreason said:


> I hope someone here can help me with some advice. Me and my wife have been married for over 6 years. About a year ago, she stopped giving me BJs. Everytime I would ask her about one, she would make up an excuse saying she had a toothache or her stomach was hurting. After a while, I confronted her about it and she told me that she finds it disgusting and doesn't want to do it anymore. She really hurt me when she said that but she has stayed true to her word. What's funny is that she has no problem with letting me go down on her and I really wish I could stop but I can't because I enjoy it.
> 
> What should I do? I am only 28 and I have not had a bj in over a year. I have tried to forget about it but it seems to be like everywhere I look, someone is getting/talking about BJs and it's not me. I love her to death and she is a awesome wife but if I would have known that she would do this to me, I would probably not have married her.
> 
> Does anyone have any good advice? Other than this issue, she is a great wife and does a good job taking care of our son. Everytime I try to talk about it, she gets upset and tries to label me as a freak or a pervert. What would make her stop giving Bjs after 5 years of marriage? Also, would a judge look at me awkwardly if I had to explain my reason for divorce? I really want to be happy but I can't imagine living my life without another BJ. I have not cheated on her and I don't think I will since I would feel too bad about it.


That's a stupid reason to end a marriage, but a good one to look elsewhere for an occasional BJ. My wife stopped giving me oral sex shortly after our first child was born. I never stopped pleasuring her though. In fact, she is more receptive to cunnilingus after our son was born and I perform oral sex on her more now then before we were married. I'm very fit, clean, keep my pubic hair trim and neat, bathe daily, and always after I work out or spend the day working around the house. She still won't perform oral sex on me. Never gives a definitive reason either. Just says, "I don't like doing it any more." Other than normal sex, the best I can hope from her is an occasional handjob in the shower. So when the opportunity arose, I carefully planned a rendezvous with a former co-worker who was about ten years older than me, 56, married with grown children, and whose husband, for physical reasons, is not interested in sex much anymore. We meet usually once a week at one of several motels. She gives me a great BJ and after I recoup, we do it doggy style. I give her multiple orgasms. No strings attached and I don't feel guilty at all. Nor does my secret sex partner. My wife never complains that I pressure her for oral sex because I don't. Actually I never did. She thinks I have accepted the fact that she does not like it anymore and won't do it. It is just a physical /biological interaction for both of us and it has been going on for about two years now.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Zombie thread


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## MWP (Aug 24, 2016)

Before we were married, my wife gave BJ's all the time. Now, I probably get 2-3 a year at the most. What's confusing about it is that used to be her "thing". She's really good at it and knows I enjoy it, and I don't know why it stopped.

I wouldn't leave my wife over just a BJ. I've got other things going on such as an EA involving texting, etc. I wish BJ's were the least of my problems.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Dawn of the walking thread. Closed.


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