# Enough is Enough



## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

Well, I had taken my husband back 4 times (he would leave for a couple of weeks, contact me and come back for a month). I made it clear that if he contacted her again I would file the divorce papers. It was going well for nearly 4 months and felt we are going to get over the hump. Well, I found out he contacted her again to supposedly find out how she was doing and let her know marriage was going in the right direction.

My husband was remorseful and said he wouldn't contact her ever again the same day and told me it was wrong. For a week he was irritable, depressed and distant I knew he was becoming confused again.

He confessed that he did not like how things were going. He felt guilt and confusion wants to fix it but doesn't know how but to leave in order to find out why he keeps going back to her. We both know the marriage is over too much damage from the back and forth. I know this is the best thing but it is so hard to let go. I tried 4 times and he keeps coming back after a week. This time I need to be strong since it is clear previous attempt to reconcile are not working. Why does he keep coming back? The last time my mind was set and I had already emotionally detached and then he calls in a week to tell me he is done with her and want to work on the marriage.

Right before he left he finally read all the articles I was giving him on affairs, addiction of affairs, etc. He emotionally broke down and said he understood and that he figured out the only way to fix this is to leave. He is leaving and has nothing(Lost his job, filed bankruptcy, nowhere to live). Why am I so concern? I know its the end but it hurts to let go.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Sounds like a definite pattern of cheating and it's time to end that thing in my opinion.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tiptoe1969 said:


> Why does he keep coming back?


It's the very nature of affairs. It's not just about the compulsion and addiction, which are very powerful.

The escapist fantasy of the affair is only half the story. The other half is the very important needs that YOU meet in him. He wants both, or he would have divorced you long ago.

Cheaters will try with all their might to have both for as long as possible. That is plain and simple why cheating is so evil. They want to have their control and their choices, and leave none for you. It's the epitome of selfishness.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

My sister has allowed her husband THREE chances after getting caught red handed cheating on her, and each time she moved back into my parents house for a month or two or threw him out, only to talk things out and get back together because they have 3 kids as well. So the last episode was in 2009 so we're expecting anyday now for him to become a FOURTH time offender if he hasn't already, and since she keeps _allowing_ it by forgiving him then - why not.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> It's the very nature of affairs. It's not just about the compulsion and addiction, which are very powerful.
> 
> The escapist fantasy of the affair is only half the story. The other half is the very important needs that YOU meet in him. He wants both, or he would have divorced you long ago.
> 
> Cheaters will try with all their might to have both for as long as possible. That is plain and simple why cheating is so evil. They want to have their control and their choices, and leave none for you. It's the epitome of selfishness.


Thank goodness some other women on this forum realize how selfish cheaters are. I was starting to feel very lonely here.

It seems the men whose wives cheated understand this while the wives are too darned forgiving too quickly.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> My sister has allowed her husband THREE chances after getting caught red handed cheating on her, and each time she moved back into my parents house for a month or two or threw him out, only to talk things out and get back together because they have 3 kids as well. So the last episode was in 2009 so we're expecting anyday now for him to become a FOURTH time offender if he hasn't already, and since she keeps _allowing_ it by forgiving him then - why not.


Excellent point. 

If fewer woman took their men back after cheating, perhaps fewer men would cheat. 

As it stands now, there seems to be no really serious consequence or threat to their marriage for the men.

One of the first things my cheater husband said after DDay was other men cheat and their wives take them back. 

Well, I am not other men's wives. So, I filed for divorce.

Also, apparently since his lover was married, other wives cheat, too. So?


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

It is easier said than done. When children are involved so many emotions come into play. You hope that he has sincerely changed this time. I felt if I could only make him accountable for his actions he would come out of the fog(addiction). I was wrong. For some cheaters this works but for my husband it isn't so. I have decided to do the total opposite. File divorce, let him be with the OW, and go on and live my life. I have realized the real change will take years (if it even happens at all) and by that time I will be more confident and strong to objectively see what a type of person he is.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Thank goodness some other women on this forum realize how selfish cheaters are. I was starting to feel very lonely here.
> 
> It seems the men whose wives cheated understand this while the wives are too darned forgiving too quickly.


I think you probably have a better handle on my perspective after reading my long posts in highwood's thread.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

My wife and I have our share of problems that we need to work out, but trust and cheating has never been one of them thank God because we both see eye to eye on this topic 100%.


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