# Need advice: Wife cannot/does not want to orgasm



## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

We have been married for nearly 20 years, both in great health, fit, 40 years old. No signs of cheating or anything weird. She doesn?t masturbate from what she says and from knowing the toy box is never touched unless I go into it for lube, the other items are never touched at all ever, so I do not think she is self serving. 
Ever since our youngest of three was born nearly 8 years ago she has not been able to have an orgasm. It has not stopped our sex life, typically 3-4 times per week. She was in momma mode and unable to relax and really let loose and have fun in bed like we used to for at least five years, but it has been nearly three years since then. We do everything a couple can do together sexually and she really seems to enjoy it and she gets close to orgasm but not over the edge. 
It is frustrating to both of us, and over the last year or so she has given up on trying and does not care to orgasm anymore. We still have frequent sex and enjoy it, she initiated maybe once a week and I initiate the other 2 or 3 times per week. She is submissive in bed, I do 90% of the work which I think may contribute to it but she does not because she prefers to be overpowered by me and does not like it any other way. 

Any advice? She will not see the doctor because she does not feel like it is a problem, she does not care to get the orgasm back. I do, I like the feeling of her orgasming. I have bought vitamins, we excersize regularly, she is not overly stressed, the kids are not little anymore, we have regular nights out alone, we take 3 to 4 weekend trips per year and one couple vacation per year without Kids, she is spoiled a bit with clothes and spa/salon/beauty products so I keep her looking good she says, we are happy, she says she loves me and that I am handsome all the time so I think she is attracted to me. Just do not know what to do.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

I stopped being able to orgasm via intercourse after I had my third child. Now I require simultaneous clitoral stimulation during sex, or my SO gets the job done during foreplay.

Is she able to achieve climax with oral? Have y'all tried to incorporate a vibrator during sex?

FWIW- It's entirely possible for a select few to enjoy intercourse without an orgasm. I am one of them. Sometimes I just want a quickie without pulling out a toy or starting with foreplay, and I never feel frustrated afterward.


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## biwing (Feb 2, 2017)

My wife has never had an orgasm with sexual intercourse. We even have had other males join us and alone with her over the years but none of them have been able to bring her to orgasm either. So it's not me nor my technique. 
She does however orgasm with a vibrating toy but only uses it at my suggestion. I've told her several times over the years that I was fine with her doing it by herself but she says that she doesn't need orgasms to be happy. She is very responsive and orgasms deeply when we do it together with the vibrator. 

I always thought that she was very strange but it is sorta nice to see that other women feel the same way. 

Some of our FMF partners also never seemed to be upset that there wasn't any orgasms from sex for them but I usually managed to illicet one with oral on them. Other women in the same situation would cum and cum with sex, so I think that may be a mental problem more than a physical one.

We are 68 y/o her and 70 y/o for me.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Thanks for the response, Primrose, sometimes she gets too sensitive for me to go very long with oral but she has orgasmed several times since the last birth with oral, she does not like to do it often because she has to be in the right mood for it. She does not like using a vibrator it seems, we have bought two different styles and a couple of bullet types and she has tried them all once and never again even when I suggest it she says no and when I have brought them to bed and use it on her she seems to like it but then asks for me to stop. Maybe we have not found the right one? 
She does enjoy the PIV intercourse with no orgasm as well. She gets close she says but it never happens. We both enjoy the closeness and I know she gets horny and needs it and initiates and it scratches her itch.

She also does not like to talk about it if I bring it up, it must be embarrassing to her even though it is nothing to be embarrassed about. 

It is good to hear another woman say it is still enjoyable without the big O, It does worry me but maybe not her so much.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

I also enjoy sex just fine without an orgasm. When I was younger and just starting to have sex, I never orgasmed. And I only started to orgasm without clitoral stimulation in the last 3 years. I believe, for me anyway, the difference is very much a mental thing. Even now, if I feel rushed (even if it's completely my imagination) in anyway, I won't be able to orgasm. If anything feels the slightest bit weird/cold/uncomfortable/unsexy/boring or if I'm having any issues feeling comfortable with my body (which can vary by the day) I won't orgasm. All of this is completely determined by my mind. However, I've gotten better about turning it all off. If I begin the encounter solely focused on being intimate with my husband, and enjoying what we're doing to/with each other, I can orgasm just fine. It's a shame I can't turn it all off more often.

Also, this can get tricky with my husband, because he feels he's left me unsatisfied if I haven't orgasmed - like he hasn't done his job, and he doesn't want to seem like it's all about him and his pleasure. Sometimes he does rush me, so I tell him that, because of that, it simply won't happen for me. I don't particularly like talking about the why/how with him. I don't want him to feel inadequate, and he's not. It's just how my body works - that's what I tell him.

It sounds to me like you're pretty sensitive when you're intimate with your wife. I'd believe her when she says she doesn't need to orgasm to enjoy sex. Maybe with time she'll want more, and given your sensitivity and openness, perhaps she'll be up for "troubleshooting " with you then. I wouldn't force the issue of seeing a Dr. She can come to that in her own time if necessary. Just keep checking in with how she's feeling about it all.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

JayDee7 said:


> She will not see the doctor because she does not feel like it is a problem, she does not care to get the orgasm back. I do, I like the feeling of her orgasming.





JayDee7 said:


> She also does not like to talk about it if I bring it up, it must be embarrassing to her even though it is nothing to be embarrassed about.


 @JayDee7 in my opinion your wife is not embarrassed about this topic. She is just trying to be herself (someone that perhaps enjoys emotional closeness much more so than pursuing goal-oriented orgasms during intimacy) and you are making her feel inadequate. 

If you focussed more on accepting that she enjoys intimacy for reasons other than an orgasm and tried exploring things that enhance your emotional bonds during intimacy to make her feel loved and accepted in the marriage... 

...well let's just say that perhaps you should try giving up your orgasms for a week and see what happens? The two of you would likely have some "very happy accidents together" trying to explore intimacy this way!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Thank you KM87 and Badsanta, it is really good to hear that this is not uncommon and that sex is still enjoyable without the O. My wife says the same but I sometimes feel she is saying that to make me feel okay about it. We really are closely bonded, we spend hours talking each night after the kids have gone to bed and enjoy each other a lot. She says I am her best friend and favorite person, her rock and things like that, and that I am cute and handsome and she touches me and gives me lots of affection and I do the same with her. We are obviously very attracted to each other intimate and close, and in love. The orgasm thing is played up in my own mind because it makes me feel bad if I am getting pleasure and she is not, but after reading your responses that reaffirm what she tells me that she is pleasured by sex without an O and I should not pursue the issue but instead just be there however she needs for me to be.
She is very much as you described KM87, the setting has to be just right for her. Still learning about my wife after 20 years. She is still a mystery. 
Thank you! It is reassuring.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

JayDee7 said:


> We have been married for nearly 20 years, both in great health, fit, 40 years old. No signs of cheating or anything weird. She doesn?t masturbate from what she says and from knowing the toy box is never touched unless I go into it for lube, the other items are never touched at all ever, so I do not think she is self serving.
> Ever since our youngest of three was born nearly 8 years ago she has not been able to have an orgasm. It has not stopped our sex life, typically 3-4 times per week. She was in momma mode and unable to relax and really let loose and have fun in bed like we used to for at least five years, but it has been nearly three years since then. We do everything a couple can do together sexually and she really seems to enjoy it and she gets close to orgasm but not over the edge.
> It is frustrating to both of us, and over the last year or so she has given up on trying and does not care to orgasm anymore. We still have frequent sex and enjoy it, she initiated maybe once a week and I initiate the other 2 or 3 times per week. She is submissive in bed, I do 90% of the work which I think may contribute to it but she does not because she prefers to be overpowered by me and does not like it any other way.
> 
> Any advice? She will not see the doctor because she does not feel like it is a problem, she does not care to get the orgasm back. I do, I like the feeling of her orgasming. I have bought vitamins, we excersize regularly, she is not overly stressed, the kids are not little anymore, we have regular nights out alone, we take 3 to 4 weekend trips per year and one couple vacation per year without Kids, she is spoiled a bit with clothes and spa/salon/beauty products so I keep her looking good she says, we are happy, she says she loves me and that I am handsome all the time so I think she is attracted to me. Just do not know what to do.


I went through a similar phase after our youngest was born...the sensations were muted, making orgasm difficult to achieve. I was slightly concerned, occasionally frustrated, and frankly a bit annoyed at my body. Not having an orgasm was absolutely not ok for me. I can relate to enjoying the closeness and emotional component without orgasm (occasionally!), but as someone who was previously highly sensitive and multi-orgasmic- hesitant, lack-luster orgasms were not something to accept long term. After about a year things happily rebounded. 
After 8 years if this was a temporary physicality induced by pregnancy and delivery, the situation for your wife would have most likely resolved itself. Fortunately I did not require medical intervention, however I would have looked into it if necessary...beginning with a hormone level check. Like you, my husband enjoys my pleasure. He would have been disappointed and frustrated had my orgasmic ability disappeared long term, since it was always there in abundance prior to. 

I'm a big believer in our most sensitive and responsive sexual organ being our brains. It's fun to experiment with that belief. My husband isn't quite as creative, but fairly receptive. You mentioned she enjoys being submissive. Could you take that trait to another level and use reverse psychology? Make a fun game out of it...order her not to orgasm. Depending on how vocal you are in bed, this may create an element that adds something for her mentally, with zero pressure. Nothing to lose


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear JayDee7;

Don't judge yourself on your wife's lack of orgasms. As long as she is enjoying the experience, as long as the two of you feel close emotionally, you are doing fine.

If it really bothers you, talk to her and see if the two of you can go to a sex therapist together.

Good luck.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

maybe try THIS.

light some candle in the bedroom.
play some new age music
undress her, rub some warm massage oil on your hands, and slowly start giving her a sensual massage. start on her back, shoulders first, then down to her legs/feet. spend a GOOD 10 minutes there.

Then have her turn over. start at her feet, and move up, but be very careful to NOT touch between her legs. comee close, maybe accidentally brush over it, but do not touch it. 

move up, and spend a lot of time massaging her boobs and nipples. slowly at first, then faster and more intensely. spend a good 10 minutes on her boobs allone, and TRY to get her to orgasm from that play alone.

If she still has not cum by then... then use one hand on her boobs, and start rubbing her clit and vagina too, the outside only. Try to get her to orgasm that way.

If that still does not make her cum, then insert a finger inside of her. then two. then three. keep massaging her breasts and nipples while fingering her *****. 

If THAT does not make her cum, arrange a visit to a sex dysfunction doctor to see what is wrong!

Why the above? You need to engage her MIND in the sex act. And avoiding normal PIV sex allows her to, slowly, relax, get into it, and start anticipating your next move. She obviously is not into the old Wham Bamm Thankyou Ma'am approach to sex


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I have always practiced edging. Even when I was young, and learning to masturbate. Never rush.

My wife and I had some issues after we were married a while. One was she faked orgasms sometimes. When I discovered that I was upset.

She really did not understand why I was upset. So I stopped having orgasms. After all, I had practiced edging for years before I met her, so it was easy for me to avoid coming. After the first night of that my wife was merely puzzled. After the second night, she was upset. After three nights, she was downright distraught, and caved.

Mary never suggested again I should be content with her performance if she does not have an orgasm.


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