# Left broken after hubby left me and the kids for a co-worker



## BrokenRob (Jul 16, 2012)

Hi, I am new to this but I figured I could use some words of encouragement during this trying time. I have known my husband for 8.5 years and been married for a little over 6 years. During this time, he has cheated on me several times but I had always found it in me to forgive him and take him back. This time round is different. He had left for a work trip in late April to Australia along with a female co-worker (let's just call her CY) and came back a totally different person. He became very distant, making changes to the way he looks and even took up exercising. 

I confided in my sister-in-law, S. And she told me when my mom-in-law met up with him in Sydney, he was still being dishonest, saying nothing was wrong and everything OK between us. He had given them his room number and told them to meet there. When his mom and step dad saw his room, there were two single beds pushed together. I tried to defend him and said I understood his hotel room was a suite and housekeeping would have thought it was a couple staying there. Then I asked if the beds were already made up? She replied no, the beds were pushed together and unmade in the morning. His mom then said something and saw the look in his eye and immediately knew he was lying. He pointed down the hall saying his room was down there. His family had gotten together and spoke about things. Basically my hubby is a compulsive liar and has had these issues for a long time. They recounted so many situations when his mom and dad (before he passed away) had to stick up for him and he had lied about the situation.

I spoke with one of my friends who also works with hubby and CY recently and she long suspected that there was something going on ever since they returned from the work trip to Australia. She mentioned to me that she noticed something was amiss and could see it coming. They both came back confused and not sure of what to do with their feelings for each other. Even my friend believes that something happened while they were there. I previously confronted hubby about this and he admitted he has feelings for her and had been confiding in her about our problems. For a while we tried to work things out but he was reluctant to let go of CY or to move on/away from her. He continued to see her after work, going out for dinners with her…

I have included the whatsapp history of the conversation between us and maybe as a third person outside the situation perhaps someone may have a clearer picture of what’s going on. Note the dates too...

This was during the time when he decided he might want to try to work on us…

_22/05/2012 19:18:12: Wife: Have fun at the movies and let me know if it's any good..love u
22/05/2012 19:25:40: Wife: I'm so happy that you are comin home tonight and giving us another chance. I am very lucky to have you as my husband, you never walked away from me all these years despite the pain I've caused. And for that I love you dearly... Have a good time and see you later 
22/05/2012 19:31:09: Hubby: Thanks hub
22/05/2012 19:31:12: Hubby: Just going up now and presenting
22/05/2012 19:31:33: Hubby: See u later tonight
22/05/2012 22:30:19: Wife: Heading to the apartment to pick up your stuff now, and bought a chicken roll for u if u r hungry. It's in the 7-11 bag in the fridge, just have to nuke it for 2 mins.
22/05/2012 22:47:48: Hubby: On my way home in a taxi
22/05/2012 22:48:16: Wife: How was the movie? Any good?
22/05/2012 22:49:09: Hubby: After movie I went down the road to talk to CY about us. I needed to tell her face to face and without the other Djs. Just went to the coffee place. She understands about us and everything is fine
22/05/2012 22:50:11: Wife: Hope she's alright, did she cry?
22/05/2012 22:50:14: Hubby: I needed to do it so we could move on together
22/05/2012 22:50:20: Hubby: Not at all.
22/05/2012 22:50:29: Wife: Poor girl caught up in this mess
22/05/2012 22:50:32: Hubby: She said she knew it was coming
22/05/2012 22:50:37: Hubby: And wished us the best
22/05/2012 22:51:54: Wife: And to her too
22/05/2012 22:52:07: Hubby: Yup_

I also noticed the changes he was making. Despite my "nagging" over the years about him getting healthier, he never tried to exercise with me or even take the darn dog for a walk. He was making all these changes to his lifestyle, started to watch what he ate, trying to losing weight, changing his hair color, buying new clothes, even going for runs at night. I thought it was him just trying to keep himself fitter. But he was acting real suspicious, like sleeping with his phone under the pillow, going for a run at 11pm even though he was dead tired and I could still see him online on Whatsapp while he was supposedly running.

A few days later, he just wasn’t interested in trying anymore. He just spent his nights away from home till late, not seeing the kids or catching them before bedtime, going for his late-night runs. He became so distant, despite my efforts to change and work on our marriage. We did go out on a Fri ‘date’ night - bowling and playing pool. Everything was fine but a little awkward. Then we slept together. I was left wondering, so I asked if this was part of our efforts to reconnect with each other. He simply turned around and said to my face “no, I didn’t think you’d mind”. I got so upset and felt so used. I told him the next day I don’t deserve to be treated this way, he needed to leave and sort out his issues. Before he left, he said to me “this isn’t permanent, I want to come back.” And that he wanted me to keep a place in my heart for him… After a while I realized instead of sorting out his issues, he sought after her. To which he confessed…

_12/06/2012 12:04:00: Hubby: Things are going on between us
12/06/2012 12:04:07: Hubby: But nothing really serious
12/06/2012 12:04:28: Wife: So u r dating her?
12/06/2012 12:04:41: Hubby: No rob_

On 12 June, I went to meet one of my girlfriends, ST. It was a Mon night and she knew what was going on and wanted to catch up with me to make sure I was OK. The next day, ST was invited to a launch party that CY happened to be hosting. And she happened to sit next to the station's head of marketing and she asked "I heard CY is dating one of the djs at the station"…which then this happened...

_13/06/2012 00:41:20: Hubby: CY just told me she cant be with me
13/06/2012 00:41:24: Hubby: Or get closer
13/06/2012 00:41:28: Hubby: Cause of u
13/06/2012 00:41:36: Hubby: She is too afraid of u
13/06/2012 00:41:45: Hubby: And wants to leave it at that
13/06/2012 00:42:45: Hubby: So ...
13/06/2012 00:44:10: Wife: Wait hang on... why would she say that she's too afraid of me when I haven't done anything to her?
13/06/2012 00:45:34: Hubby: Cause your friends checking on her
13/06/2012 00:45:41: Hubby: And just overall feeling
13/06/2012 00:46:04: Hubby: She wants to talk to me tomorrow about it_

But I seriously had no idea until he told me. And my friends weren't spying on her. I think they have better things to do. And the very next day, this...

_14/06/2012 15:00:41: Hubby: This stuff stays between me and u
14/06/2012 15:01:37: Wife: What stuff?
14/06/2012 15:01:54: Hubby: Char went for tests today and she has 2 big 22 cm cysts on her ovaries and shes gonna be going into hospital next week. She could be off for many weeks
14/06/2012 15:02:12: Hubby: 12 cm not 22cm
14/06/2012 15:02:20: Hubby: On both sides
14/06/2012 15:02:36: Hubby: So shes not a well girl
14/06/2012 15:02:52: Hubby: But this stays between me and u right
14/06/2012 15:03:39: Wife: Ok. So guess u want to be with her thru this?
14/06/2012 15:04:06: Hubby: Got to be rob
14/06/2012 15:04:11: Hubby: She needs someone
14/06/2012 15:04:46: Hubby: Cant turn my back on this one
14/06/2012 16:40:10: Wife: Do u know which hospital she's going?
14/06/2012 16:44:38: Hubby: Nope not yet
14/06/2012 16:45:01: Hubby: Early stages of orginazation
14/06/2012 16:45:05: Hubby: She just found out today
14/06/2012 16:45:30: Wife: Tell her to go raffles
14/06/2012 16:45:44: Wife: I got my breast tumor removed there
14/06/2012 16:47:09: Hubby: Ook
14/06/2012 16:47:11: Wife: It's likely to be cystadenoma...a benign tumor that can grow quite large
14/06/2012 16:49:55: Wife: Could also be dermoid cyst which is also benign
14/06/2012 16:49:57: Hubby: Apparently the bump can be seen
14/06/2012 16:50:21: Wife: Does she feel pain?
14/06/2012 16:50:34: Wife: Like physical pain?
14/06/2012 16:52:07: Hubby: Nope
_
I honestly felt for her... I feel like such a FOOL!!! Just makes me think that this was all a lie coz when I asked my friend who works at the station, she told me that CY wasn’t planning on going on any long leave at all! She is still on air, working. It was just a sham so that I will be made to go. When I asked hubby last Sun, this was all he had to say…

_01/07/2012 20:27:25: Wife: Now I know this whole time u have been lying to me
01/07/2012 20:58:00: Hubby: What u mean
01/07/2012 21:02:26: Wife: U r in a relationship with CY
01/07/2012 21:02:35: Wife: And have been all this time
01/07/2012 21:02:56: Hubby: How u decide that?
01/07/2012 21:03:50: Wife: Come on stop with ur lies
01/07/2012 21:04:06: Hubby: Rob me and u are separated
01/07/2012 21:04:08: Hubby: I've moved
01/07/2012 21:04:13: Hubby: I've told u the deal
01/07/2012 21:04:19: Hubby: What else u expect from me
01/07/2012 21:04:20: Wife: I already know the truth so stop lying
01/07/2012 21:05:07: Hubby: We are not together anymore rob
01/07/2012 21:05:12: Hubby: Me and u is not on
01/07/2012 21:05:18: Wife: U r already in a relationship with her?
01/07/2012 21:05:19: Hubby: Why can't u understand
01/07/2012 21:05:32: Hubby: I'm seeing her
01/07/2012 21:05:41: Hubby: But I don't know if u call it a relationship
01/07/2012 21:06:00: Wife: Not just that.. u r with her all the while
01/07/2012 21:06:13: Hubby: Not all the time
01/07/2012 21:06:16: Hubby: But a lot
01/07/2012 21:06:21: Hubby: More and more_

Anyways, just to share I have seen them with my own eyes. He did moved out of my apartment on 5 July with all his clothing (using my suitcases), hopped into a cab and moved right into her place. I even saw them hugging and kissing, like nothing was wrong. That image has been replaying in my head and deeply troubles me.

Since then, I have been struggling through my days. I've never felt so devastated. I am still feeling very hurt by what he has done. How could a man just leave his wife and two young children (4 and 6 years old) for another woman? The fact that this is a marriage, we are married...not some boyfriend girlfriend relationship which can be terminated at any time. But now he’s found someone much younger, fun, works part-time at the radio station, no commitments...he just decided to up and leave without any hesitation. I have been so upset I haven't eaten or slept much since it happened...how do I move on from here? He tells me we may one day have hope and asked me to have a place in my heart for him. I can't forgive him...I have in the meantime engaged a solicitor.

Any advise would be useful at this point...


----------



## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

BrokenRob said:


> *He tells me we may one day have hope and asked me to have a place in my heart for him*. I can't forgive him...I have in the meantime engaged a solicitor.
> 
> Any advise would be useful at this point...


Tell him to piss off and jump off a bridge.

The _gall_. He basically told you "I'm busy having an affair, but don't forget me! You'll always be my back-up plan if this doesn't work out."

My advice? Move on. He doesn't want you in his life, and he's too much of a coward to tell you directly. He's "hinting" at it in his messages with you, because he's too much of a lying snake to let you go like a man. 

Do you have any savings? Can you file for divorce? This would be the best option for you. He has no desire to reconcile, and you will only be stringing yourself along if you stay in limbo like this. Don't delude yourself into hoping that he will come back. He isn't worth your spit, and he certainly isn't worth staying married to.

Have respect for yourself. Spare your dignity, and find yourself a man who will support you. Someone who you can trust.


----------



## BrokenRob (Jul 16, 2012)

Jibril said:


> Do you have any savings? Can you file for divorce? This would be the best option for you. He has no desire to reconcile, and you will only be stringing yourself along if you stay in limbo like this. Don't delude yourself into hoping that he will come back. He isn't worth your spit, and he certainly isn't worth staying married to.
> 
> Have respect for yourself. Spare your dignity, and find yourself a man who will support you. Someone who you can trust.


Thanks Jibril, I do have savings and great support from my friends and family. I have instructed my lawyers to start proceedings and it's just a waiting game at the moment.

What shocked me was hubby has apparently told everyone, even his boss, that we both agreed that we were better off as friends. Like as if! This was his decision and how could he lay this on me? It wasn't a mutual agreement...far from it! And he's been lying to me and everyone else about everything… telling people that the kids are with him and how I didn't want the kids. He even went as far as telling others he owns two apartments in Brisbane which he rents out...why? We never owned any apartments in Brisbane, the only apartment we have is in Singapore and it is under my name, I am the sole owner. And now he wants me to sell it to get half of the money! He's told a colleague that we owned an apartment in a condominium and my parents had another unit in the same estate?! Even lying about his ex-wife being an air hostess? She was working at MTV when they met! He also told me the same story and for a while I believed him until I spoke with his first wife years ago. She laughed and said she was never an air stewardess. He was the one who left her coz she was cheating on him. On hindsight, she actually did try to warn me about his compulsive lying but I was too blindly in love to see it. He also hacked into my Facebook account trying to find ‘dirt’ on me as well…

Everyone I have spoken to have told me the same thing, that they will not last and he will regret his decision to leave. But thinking back, hubby is the sort of person who lives for the minute, he doesn't think about the future and I doubt he will ever look back in regret. He has not displayed a single ounce of remorse. He still insists that he's not lying about anything. And even when I reach out to my friends (and mutual friends of ours), he started to berate me with angry messages telling me to stop getting everyone involved?!

I keep asking myself why didn't I see the signs he is a liar and should have left when he first cheated. And why I can't let go of someone like that?...Does anyone have the same problem with letting go of a toxic relationship?


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

BrokenRob said:


> I keep asking myself why didn't I see the signs he is a liar and should have left when he first cheated. And why I can't let go of someone like that?...Does anyone have the same problem with letting go of a toxic relationship?


BR, sorry you're here. I can relate to what you're saying. It's not the easiest thing to do, especially when there's children in the equation. Don't beat yourself up over it. You've given it every chance. He's made the decision for both of you. You'll be in a better place soon enough.

I hope you've got close friends & family to help you out.


----------



## BrokenRob (Jul 16, 2012)

Vegemite said:


> BR, sorry you're here. I can relate to what you're saying. It's not the easiest thing to do, especially when there's children in the equation. Don't beat yourself up over it. You've given it every chance. He's made the decision for both of you. You'll be in a better place soon enough.
> 
> I hope you've got close friends & family to help you out.


Hi Vegemite, thanks for your kind words. I have given it every bit of effort to work it out with him. I even sent him several emails pouring my hearts out and asking him to reconsider. But he had already made up his mind...all I feel is brokenness. It genuinely feels like I will never get out of this seemingly bottomless pit.


----------



## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Read up on the 180 and start putting it to use right away.

Do not let yourself be this mans backup plan when his affair fails.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It breaks my heart to read one of the worst scenarios in infidelity: The unremorseful cheater who rubs the affair in the BS' face. Stay strong for your children, they need you most right now. Yes, detach using the 180 as a tool.


----------



## BrokenRob (Jul 16, 2012)

Thank you Monroe and lordmayhem for your advice. I have actually tried going into a "blackout mode" and ceased all contacts with him. After a week of getting no updates from me on Whatsapp, sms text, email or Facebook, he actually initiated contact and told me he misses me and the kids and long for the day we can have a family day out again. He seemed so confused and wanting to do the right thing by our family. But the moment he goes back to CY, he's back to being determined to leave and being nasty and cold towards me again.

Should I just move on and forget about this man altogether. Lose the false hope that he will ever be remorseful and come back?


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

BR 

My God clearly your husband changes into my stbxw after nightfall!!

Exactly what I've been through time after time serial cheat, 4/5 affairs (that I know about) compulsive liar and then with the last one found it all such fun, she started to have a bit of a laugh about it all.

Because of the parallel and the advice over the years I have _*not taken*_ let me say this once ...sadly

Your marriage is finished. 

It will never, ever get back into the loving situation you (mistakenly)thought it was. 

You have been living a lie because as much as your husband says he loves you - he doesn't enough (or he would not put you through any of this s**t).

You will soon come to realize you (and your kids) have, beyond all your belief, been completely and utterly abused by this apology for a human being

It will be hard and you do still love him and that will make you want to fight for a relationship that you can see only the good in (especially with kids involved) BUT those, admittedly, very good reasons do not equal you keeping your sanity whilst trying to perpetually cope with what this lying cheating, deceitful, core dishonest, scumbag will keep forever throwing at you.

I'm not often this vehement but close the door behind him and keep it tightly locked 

As difficult as it will be, start to consider a different life without him. At first alone but think about this - without wondering where he is, who he's with, and why would he do it to you and your kids anyway. On that basis alone you will feel 'clean'

I'm only a few months down the line after a similar story and it hurts like hell and I feel anger and rage for about 22 hours a day but for my own self respect and mental health I will still drive down this road to a better place for me and my kids nomatter how much the habit of 'love' may get in the way


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

BrokenRob you sound like such a nice person... Being concerned about the health of your rival, about her crying... Heck, if nothing else you're way too nice!

This guy doesn't deserve you AT ALL. I'm betting there are tons of men willing to have someone like you. And good men. Much better than that loser. 

This part right here was particularly revolting:



> He tells me we may one day have hope and asked me to have a place in my heart for him.


This guy ain't no MAN. He is a child. No real man treats a woman like that. Make no mistake. I know your heart is acting up and pushing you to do whatever you need to do to be with this joker. But listen to your head instead. If a girlfriend came to you with this story what would your advice be?

An episodic pain spike is preferable to a lifelong torture.


----------



## BrokenRob (Jul 16, 2012)

Thank you Headspin and costa200 for your encouragement. I am trying to pick up the pieces and be strong for my kids. They are the only thing I have left and keeps me going. My heart breaks whenever they tell me that they miss daddy. Just the other night, my six year old son came up to me, gave me a big hug and said, "I miss daddy, but I don't want the "old" daddy who doesn't want to come home. I want a "new" daddy who can come to our house." I could only respond with "It's ok to miss daddy, but it's not that easy to just get a new daddy". To which he replied, "When Christmas comes, then we'll get a "new" daddy ok?" and "Daddy go on the aeroplane, the other woman also go on the aeroplane. And they went to an island. Now daddy doesn't want to go on the aeroplane again." This coming from a six year old boy... I held back my tears until my kids went off to bed before I completely just broke down.

Out of respect I texted my hubby and told him what his son said and all he could say was "I'm at a work event now." That's all he could say?! It's like this man just goes around reproducing and having fun with women. No sense of responsibilities whatsoever. I am greatly disappointed with my hubby and never once thought he would turn his back on his kids like that. I am also greatly disappointed with his AP, she has met me before and knows we have two young kids but it didn't stop her from telling my hubby she has feelings for him and began the affair! Why are there women like that? They have displayed no remorse or guilt...


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

BrokenRob said:


> Thank you Headspin and costa200 for your encouragement. I am trying to pick up the pieces and be strong for my kids. They are the only thing I have left and keeps me going. My heart breaks whenever they tell me that they miss daddy. Just the other night, my six year old son came up to me, gave me a big hug and said, "I miss daddy, but I don't want the "old" daddy who doesn't want to come home. I want a "new" daddy who can come to our house." I could only respond with "It's ok to miss daddy, but it's not that easy to just get a new daddy". To which he replied, "When Christmas comes, then we'll get a "new" daddy ok?" and "Daddy go on the aeroplane, the other woman also go on the aeroplane. And they went to an island. Now daddy doesn't want to go on the aeroplane again." This coming from a six year old boy... I held back my tears until my kids went off to bed before I completely just broke down.
> 
> Out of respect I texted my hubby and told him what his son said and all he could say was "I'm at a work event now." That's all he could say?! It's like this man just goes around reproducing and having fun with women. No sense of responsibilities whatsoever. I am greatly disappointed with my hubby and never once thought he would turn his back on his kids like that. I am also greatly disappointed with his AP, she has met me before and knows we have two young kids but it didn't stop her from telling my hubby she has feelings for him and began the affair! Why are there women like that? They have displayed no remorse or guilt...


Sounds like the OW could be my wife!

Well you are where many of us are and have been and it is this precise 'bit' that separates us from them - the remorse and guilt. 

Lets face it -that is what stops us 'faithful' types from becoming one of them isn't it . We know that even given the very same opportunity as them we would not go that extra mile and inflict the 'abyss' upon someone we love and have spent years loving, supporting, sharing a complete life with. Selfless unconditional all consuming love

Their guilt gets as far as "I know this will kill him/her back home .......mmm ...so what" ("but they'll get past it and I can carry on having my cake and eating it")

From my experience this 'ethic' is founded in deep rooted psychological and mental health issues all of some different intensity and mixes. Self esteem issues etc etc 

However what I've realized is this - So what! Do I my kids and the wives/husbands of other (AP) have to just sit and take the destruction metered out by these calculating manipulative compulsive dishonest deceivers?

At least when we are at this point we finally get to have a choice for the first time in years. 

For me I now understand I've always allowed my wife's mental issues to be a big part of the reason I take her back. I have for the first time in fifteen years stopped judging her behaviors from a 'carer' pov. I am looking at her now and do not see "poor T" 

I am looking at her like I would any 'normal' undamaged' person in the world and seeing exactly what makes up her personality whether she has issues or not and sadly I have come to a very different conclusion about her as a person which will in the end make my decisions easier to bear


----------



## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

You sound like such a nice person, you don't deserve any of this, reading those texts was heart breaking, I don't know how you managed to stay so nice to him while he was messing you around. You are worth so much than him, and when he try to crawl back to you with his tail behind his leg (and he will) tell him to get lost. People like you don't be alone for long, someone will quickly see this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been where you are hon. 
Now you need to expose the A to everyone. Does the OW have a H? Exposé to co workers, family, everyone. 
Then you let him go. You go dark. Read up on the 180 and the 'let them go' sticky.
These combined actions are the only chances you have of ending this A.
Once it's out in the open, reality will kick in.
He's got to fear loosing you too. You're being too acomodating. Time to toughen up chick.
I know you are hurting. It hurts like toning on earth but you really need to focus on yourself now and get your game plan on!
Take care
Xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Just the other night, my six year old son came up to me, gave me a big hug and said, "I miss daddy, but I don't want the "old" daddy who doesn't want to come home. I want a "new" daddy who can come to our house." I could only respond with "It's ok to miss daddy, but it's not that easy to just get a new daddy". To which he replied, "When Christmas comes, then we'll get a "new" daddy ok?" and "Daddy go on the aeroplane, the other woman also go on the aeroplane. And they went to an island. Now daddy doesn't want to go on the aeroplane again." This coming from a six year old boy... I held back my tears until my kids went off to bed before I completely just broke down.


Adults often underestimate the emotional intelligence of little kids. They are aware of stuff their parents don't even dream about.


----------



## BrokenRob (Jul 16, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Now you need to expose the A to everyone. Does the OW have a H? Exposé to co workers, family, everyone.
> Then you let him go. You go dark. Read up on the 180 and the 'let them go' sticky.
> These combined actions are the only chances you have of ending this A.
> Once it's out in the open, reality will kick in.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have spoken to our mutual friends about his affair with this girl at work, but seems like people just want to turn a blind eye to this whole thing. The OW had recently gotten out of a 4 year relationship herself but as I found out, not her first time stealing someone else's partner. And she is a Singaporean Chinese girl, only 24 years old (I am turning 32 in August). She has always had a "thing" for caucasian men, which leads me to think she already had her eyes set on my hubby since she started work at the station.

I had a major setback yesterday after learning he had already engaged a solicitor to file for a divorce. He totally denied sending me any abusive messages and it was me who constantly asked about the situation with our marriage! I was so upset I actually got physically ill and had to leave work to go home. Hubby told me he doesn't want things to get nasty but the proceeding hasn't even started and already he wants to turn this into a very ugly process. What should I do?


----------



## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

I know this will sound strange coming from someone who decided to R but....
DIVORCE HIM NOW!!!!!
Use everything and anything you have as evidence to do so. He's twisted and will not get better. I don't agree with daisygirl 41's idea that you can "end this A". There is no way you should even think it. He is heartless and has no compassion what so ever. 

Find your inner momma bear and think of what he has done to the lives of your kids. Then grow a rod straight spine and don't back down. He is used to being bailed out (his momma said so) so give him no quarter! (((rob)))


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

BrokenRob said:


> I have spoken to our mutual friends about his affair with this girl at work, but seems like people just want to turn a blind eye to this whole thing. The OW had recently gotten out of a 4 year relationship herself but as I found out, not her first time stealing someone else's partner. And she is a Singaporean Chinese girl, only 24 years old (I am turning 32 in August). She has always had a "thing" for caucasian men, which leads me to think she already had her eyes set on my hubby since she started work at the station.
> 
> I had a major setback yesterday after learning he had already engaged a solicitor to file for a divorce. He totally denied sending me any abusive messages and it was me who constantly asked about the situation with our marriage! I was so upset I actually got physically ill and had to leave work to go home. Hubby told me he doesn't want things to get nasty but the proceeding hasn't even started and already he wants to turn this into a very ugly process. What should I do?


 Bear in mind you are the one of the few I am actually going to say this to. Pull yourself up, get your evidence all together and organized, get your lawyer rolling, and get this guy as far out of your life as you can. You have kids, so you will have involvement on some level, but you need to limit that. If it isn't about the kids or the divorce, then you don't need to be communicating with him. HE is keeping you from healing and trying to blind you to what and who he is. He is showing you who he is, you need to believe him. 

Focus on you, what you need in your life to be happy without him, get some things going for yourself, maybe things you gave up during the years, and get yourself to a better place. You are not his back up plan. You are not his doormat. You are a strong and independent woman who is going to make it through this and be the best mom you can be


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

BrokenRob said:


> Should I just move on and forget about this man altogether. Lose the false hope that he will ever be remorseful and come back?


In short, yes. Do this.

Get your solicitor line up. Start the divorce proceedings. He's been a liar ever since you have known him. He is cheating on you and expecting you to be there for him when she kick him out on his sorry arse. You deserve better. After the divorce is final, find someone who truly loves you and love them back. 

Um... Just don't pick a liar and a cheat this time.


----------



## BrokenRob (Jul 16, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Pull yourself up, get your evidence all together and organized, get your lawyer rolling, and get this guy as far out of your life as you can... HE is keeping you from healing and trying to blind you to what and who he is.
> 
> Focus on you, what you need in your life to be happy without him, get some things going for yourself, maybe things you gave up during the years, and get yourself to a better place. You are not his back up plan. You are not his doormat. You are a strong and independent woman who is going to make it through this and be the best mom you can be


Thank you all for your encouragement and I certainly feel very convicted in doing what needs to be done to move away from this person. I am heading to the lawyer's office this afternoon to sign the papers ready for filing (for a divorce on the grounds of adultery). As I found out last week through a mutual friend who knows and works with the both of them, the OW tried to break it off two weeks ago but I am certain they are still together as I got a PI to trail the both of them for a month now. Given the timeline, they couldn't have possibly broken up as he moved in with her to her parents' place around the same time they claimed they have broken up.

It is possible that she might have come to her senses and tried to call it quits with him. But I also know this man very well, after spending 8.5 years with him. He is terrified of being alone and will always be afraid of loneliness (which is way he sought her out in the first place). But after speaking with my family and friends, they have all told me the same thing...It doesn't matter at this point if they are or aren't together. I need to let go of this man and get a clean break from him. 

I am doing my best to distract myself with work and spending time with my children. But there are times especially at night, when I have some free time to myself, that I think about him and genuinely miss him. Is it normal to want a man like him? Or am I being stupid for holding on to hopes that he will regret and beg to come back into my life?


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Stop thinking, worrying & searching out info about the OW, she doesn't matter.
This is 100% your husband's doing, HE chose to cheat on you, she didn't. 
You're using her as your scapegoat, you're blameshifting the affair onto her shoulders in case he comes back, that way you can forgive him for being lured in by her. 
Nope, the person responsible for the affair is your husband because HE is the one who had the affair with her. 
You have NO idea what he told her about you & your marriage, he's already proven to be a liar, do you really think he was truthful with her?
At this point, you need to figure out why you would ever want a man like him back, love yourself more than you could love him because that's what it's going to take to get away from him.


----------

