# Opposite sex friends-foolish!



## Centurions (Jan 31, 2013)

Greetings

In case after case, I see men allowing their wives to have osf's and the vast majority develop problems--"he's just a friend". After confessions or snooping, the "friend" is banging her. It happens with men, too, though it seems less frequent. The women seem to love having a roster of male "friends" and it never ends well.

"I can't tell her to give up her male friends"!! I see a lot. Why the hell not? Marriage requires change and different priorities. If OS "friends" are so important, then just stay single!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

All my friends are his friends. Solves the problem because when all the friends get together they are with their significant others at the same time.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I do have to agree with you. In my case my DH was the one that had OSF that had to go, they didn't respect my place as the wife. Now, we have an agreement that OSF are friends of the marriage (meaning the both of us) or nothing at all. Problem was solved for us!


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
My wife and I both have OSFs. Many of them are common friends to both, but some are friends from work. 

I think it can be fine as long as people behave correctly.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Centurions said:


> Greetings
> 
> In case after case, I see men allowing their wives to have osf's and the vast majority develop problems--"he's just a friend". After confessions or snooping, the "friend" is banging her. It happens with men, too, though it seems less frequent. The women seem to love having a roster of male "friends" and it never ends well.
> 
> ...


Remember, all that gets discussed here generally are the problem cases. So you get a self-selecting group with loads of confirmation bias.

Meaning, if you post about it here, it probably already is a problem and everybody knows it.

If it's not a problem, you never hear about it.

My take is that OSFs are fine, as long as they are 'mutual' friends and you don't do stupid things with them 1-1. A friend of mine's wife stayed with another married man's hotel room with him alone for a weekend... because they're all just friends.

Stupid and not cool.

Another buddy of mine's wife has a guy friend from college that they hang out with as couples.

Smart, and cool.

Intelligence and wisdom seem like two different things.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

If your spouse is constantly texting, calling, Face Timing, getting together with that "just a friend" w/o you, that's a problem. I consider some of my male coworkers friends, but I've never done any of that with any of them.

My STBXH has had at least two coworker "friends" over the years who he did and continues to do all those things with. He also made music compilations for them and bought them shoes and boots. True story. He vehemently denied they were anything but "friends."

Now, he's left me for another woman who knows one of them. These friends of his can now be her problem.


----------



## code187 (Jul 15, 2015)

I have one OSF whom my husband can't stand being around, but he has told me he's fine with me continuing to be friends with him because we've been friends since elementary school, so long as the guy doesn't come to the house. He's told me we're free to go for coffee or whatever. The OSF has a common-law spouse and young stepson, and the common-law and I get along just fine as well. We're not very close anymore due to family commitments, but he still calls from time to time, as he always has. It's a very unique relationship compared to other friendships. Other than that one person, all of my friends are his friends and vice versa. I have guys I hang out with at work that hubby knows about, but they're not friends outside of work.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Centurions said:


> "I can't tell her to give up her male friends"!! I see a lot. Why the hell not? Marriage requires change and different priorities. If OS "friends" are so important, then just stay single!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. No OSF's in my marriage, Period.


----------



## Centurions (Jan 31, 2013)

Greetings

Most of my coworkers are women. I'm friendly with most of them. They are my work associates. They are not my "friends". Certainly, we all have to socialize with people at work. That doesn't mean you chat with them on the cell every morning, text them at midnight or see them one on one. That's just BS in my book. Are there osf as part of a couple? Certainly. As some have mentioned, they are *mutual* friends, friends of your marriage, and part of a couple. That's all good.

I wonder why more people can't understand the distinction? I've read, "well, she goes to her male friends apartment after work to "have drinks" and she protests the spineless husband by claiming that he's "just a friend". Lol!!! Meanwhile the dense husband meekly wonders, "I don't have to worry, right? I trust my wife completely!"

I read such, and I wonder, how are so many men so clueless, passive, and weak? How does such a scenario even become ok to them? It's just boggling to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Centurions said:


> Greetings
> 
> In case after case, I see men allowing their wives to have osf's and the vast majority develop problems--"he's just a friend". After confessions or snooping, the "friend" is banging her. It happens with men, too, though it seems less frequent. The women seem to love having a roster of male "friends" and it never ends well.
> 
> ...


Holy Cow... I'm thinking your attitude on the subject might be infulenced by personal experience??

My hubby does not allow me to have osf. I dis-like him having opposite sex friend/acquaintances... but he doesn't have any "close" female friends that are not relatives. 

I don't think I would want osf. I don't want to disrespect my man, and I don't want someone taking a higher friendship value to me than he is. 

Its ridiculous to assume that most women keep opposite sex 'friends' after marriage. (I'm not talking aquaintence level).

Someone must have cheated on you, for you to think that all women are doing this if their husbands "allow" them to have osf.


----------



## Centurions (Jan 31, 2013)

Chelle D said:


> Holy Cow... I'm thinking your attitude on the subject might be infulenced by personal experience??
> 
> My hubby does not allow me to have osf. I dis-like him having opposite sex friend/acquaintances... but he doesn't have any "close" female friends that are not relatives.
> 
> ...



Greetings
Hi Chelle. Well, as for it being "ridiculous" to assume that all married women have OSF's, I don't believe I made such an assumption. However, I'd like to defer to Marduk's assessment in confirmation bias in reference to the wives that it seems many men *here on TAM* deal with. Looking beyond TAM, a glance at the high divorce rate, the majority of which are initiated by women, adultery being a huge factor at the root of many divorces, I have a suspicion that OSF's are part of the fiber of such adulterous roots in the ensuing divorces.

As to your feelings of having OSF's being disrespectful, I agree. Entertaining OSF's invites not only sexual temptation into the marriage, but also threatens the emotional and intimacy primacy of your spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Who has the time for all these friends outside of the marriage? Meaning, people you only communicate with solo, no partner included. With kids, family and work commitments, DH and I are struggling to get enough "us" time. Throw friends in there who we only see solo and suddenly we wouldn't be spending any time as a couple at all. Other than that glaring issue, I think OSFs are fine if you have good boundaries, but people run into issues because they don't know they have crap boundaries until those boundaries are trampled into dust, then suddenly, they've done something that can't be taken back.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

For working couples, there's simply no time for OSFs. My time for myself is important as I need to hear myself think. Time for my husband allows me to hear his thoughts. No time for OSFs. Happily married for 35 years. I like this peaceful life and wish for others to have the same. My advice is "No OSF"!


----------



## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

Y'all are one paranoid group. If you can't trust your spouse to keep it in their pants around the opposite sex, you've got some deeper issues. My wife has OSFs and I do too. None of this "not allowing" each other to do anything BS.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Hawkeye, do your wife and you text and call these OSFs around the clock, purchase clothing or shoes for them, meet them solo for lunches and dinners on a regular basis? If so, those aren't friends. Those are emotional affairs.

I have male friends at work. My manager is one of them - I've known him for almost 20 years. I knew him when I had been married for five years and he was single. He's now happily married with two kids. I think he's a good friend. Yet I've never had dinner or drinks solo with him, and I've never texted him about anything that wasn't directly work-related. If that's the kind of friendship you're talking about - an appropriate one - that's not what we're talking about here.


----------



## Centurions (Jan 31, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Hawkeye, do your wife and you text and call these OSFs around the clock, purchase clothing or shoes for them, meet them solo for lunches and dinners on a regular basis? If so, those aren't friends. Those are emotional affairs.
> 
> I have male friends at work. My manager is one of them - I've known him for almost 20 years. I knew him when I had been married for five years and he was single. He's now happily married with two kids. I think he's a good friend. Yet I've never had dinner or drinks solo with him, and I've never texted him about anything that wasn't directly work-related. If that's the kind of friendship you're talking about - an appropriate one - that's not what we're talking about here.


Greetings

Right on target, Nomorebeans!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Some can handle OSFs and some can not

I would not be married to someone that couldn't handle OSF nor would my wife be because avoiding them unnecessarily eliminates half of the population from friendship which we find utterly absurd and rather pathetic because we are willing to be friends only with quality people with integrity that also have firm respectful boundaries.

Neither of us would be an OSF with anyone that was willing to be toxic to the marriage. Any suspicion is met with very firm boundaries and puling away immediately. 

My wife and I are each others best friend. There will be no competition for that spot on our friendship roster under any circumstances.

It is one of my and my wife's responsibilities as spouses to make sure we each feel secure (not anxious or threatened) thru our actions, choices and intelligent boundaries

Boundaries need to be adjusted depending on developments with what is best for the marriage being the top priority

My wife does not want me to hire a hot young secretary and work late and go on business trips together with adjoining rooms and she will not be having a buff personal trainer or pool boy to "help" her workout or clean the pool unless it's me. That kind of nonsense is the reason OSFs get air heads into hot water.

Other posters did a nice job differentiating the difference between appropriate OSFs and emotional affairs. Everyone has different needs for different boundaries. My wife and I will not be dining or having coffee solo with OSFS for example. Others seem fine with it. I think they're nuts but that's what makes the world spin. 

Being attracted to some members of the opposite gender is a fact of life and it is often not physical until the emotional connection is made. I would say it is accurate that my wife and I, thru natural instincts, avoid ill-advised situations where the opportunity for emotional connections with OSFs in intimate settings or situation is more probable.

That's what works for us and it is not seen as a sacrifice in any way. Rather it is a strong desire to be a solid, respectful spouse which we both want to be for the other. 

We would eliminate anyone from our lives that did not respect our commitment to each others emotional sense of security by following the wise path we see for our marriages long term well being


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

code187 said:


> I have one OSF whom my husband can't stand being around, but he has told me he's fine with me continuing to be friends with him because we've been friends since elementary school, so long as the guy doesn't come to the house. He's told me we're free to go for coffee or whatever. The OSF has a common-law spouse and young stepson, and the common-law and I get along just fine as well. We're not very close anymore due to family commitments, but he still calls from time to time, as he always has. It's a very unique relationship compared to other friendships. Other than that one person, all of my friends are his friends and vice versa. I have guys I hang out with at work that hubby knows about, but they're not friends outside of work.


Why can't he stand him?


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

breeze said:


> Who has the time for all these friends outside of the marriage? Meaning, people you only communicate with solo, no partner included. With kids, family and work commitments, DH and I are struggling to get enough "us" time. Throw friends in there who we only see solo and suddenly we wouldn't be spending any time as a couple at all. Other than that glaring issue, I think OSFs are fine if you have good boundaries, but people run into issues because they don't know they have crap boundaries until those boundaries are trampled into dust, then suddenly, they've done something that can't be taken back.


Ain't that the truth. My wife and I try to make time for several 3 mile walks a week where we can get some cardio work in, enjoy one another's company and just talk. I know it may sound bad but we purposely drive a mile or two away from our own neighborhood before we start walking just so we can avoid having to stop and chat with our neighbors.

That's our time and we make certain that we don't run into anyone we know that will eat into our already limited time together.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You quoted me, and then purposefully mis-represented my words.

I did not say* all *women... I said I felt it was ridiculous to assume that most women keep OSF's after marriage.

I do see your point that you feel the men "here on TAM" (as opposed to general population of men) have trouble with wives having OSF's and the sexual threat that occurs.

I'd think that possibly the threads you choose to read, that might seem true... something still seems that your own experiences are influencing this deduction, and possibly influencing the types of threads you are reading.

Maybe I've got my head in the sand. But, I guess I prefer to keep it there. I do feel some women are tempted and mislead in emotional faithfulness by osf's. However, I do not feel that the majority of wives truely have osf's. 

Plus, I'm kind of thinking we are talking about tom-A-toes, vs tomaawwtoes. I'm refering to (in my mind/opinion) as true opposite sex friends. You seem (to me) to be referring to opposite sex affairs.


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

The majority of my friends are male. It has alwYs been that way, even when I was a child. The only others kids on my street were boys. 

My work is majority male too. I get along well with all of them. 

I find men easier to deal with than women. 

I also get along well with cats and dogs....


----------

