# He doesn't wanna have sex, but I found a lube?!



## jane jasmine (Dec 29, 2019)

So, I joined this forum because there isn't everything OK with my marriage right.

My husband doesn't want to have sex with me, he doesn't want to sleep with me - he mostly spends nights on a sofa instead comming to bed.

But just yesterday when going through things a bit I found a lube hidden in one of the cabinets. Based on the amount of lube inside and the state of the packaging I'd say it's no older than a week or two.
I also checked his browser history and found him visiting a lube website, where they discuss lube safety and sex health related topics.
What on earth is going on here?

Is he rather jerking himself off with a lube, than have sex with me?
Or is he using the lube with another woman?
I saw his browsing history was full of searches for "safe lube with condoms" and such. I am now really start to think that not only my sex life, but also marriage are in ruins and that he will come one day to tell me he found a young fitness instructor.

God I'm angry and scared at same time. What should I do? Should I just kick him out and tell him not to come back until he starts respecting me more?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

First you need to find out what's going on. Don't confront him yet. I know it will be hard to not confront, but hold off. If you confront him right now he will most likely deny that anything is going on. People who cheat lie about it. So when he denies, you won't know if he's lying or not. The answer will be the same either way... 

Instead see if you can find any further evidence of cheating. For example, if his phone bill show the numbers that he is in contact with, see if there is one number that shows up a lot.

What is his schedule like? Does he go out a lot other than work? 

My suggesting is that share here what you find and we can help you figure out how to find out on your own what's up. Then, only after you know for sure that he is or is not cheating do you confront him.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

jane jasmine said:


> ....Is he rather jerking himself off with a lube, than have sex with me?
> Or is he using the lube with another woman?
> I saw his browsing history was full of searches for "safe lube with condoms" and such. I am now really start to think that not only my sex life, but also marriage are in ruins and that he will come one day to tell me he found a young fitness instructor.
> 
> God *I'm angry and scared at same time.* What should I do? Should I just kick him out and tell him not to come back until he starts respecting me more?


OK, you are angry and scared. You need to calm down.

Then you need to talk to him in a way that doesn't embarrass him. You need to do it in a way that is not judgemental. Some people can't do that and so marriage counselors are helpful in such situations.

Your fear is imagining the worst. It might be bad or it might be nothing. The only way to find out is to ask.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jane jasmine said:


> My husband doesn't want to have sex with me, he doesn't want to sleep with me - he mostly spends nights on a sofa instead comming to bed.


Why does he do this? When did it start? Why is this behavior OK? How long have you been married? What has your marriage been like?



> But just yesterday when going through things a bit I found a lube hidden in one of the cabinets. Based on the amount of lube inside and the state of the packaging I'd say it's no older than a week or two.
> I also checked his browser history and found him visiting a lube website, where they discuss lube safety and sex health related topics.
> What on earth is going on here?
> 
> ...


The lube could be everything or it could be nothing. 

You need to first tell us or find out why he's been sleeping on the couch.


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## FastNFurious (Jan 23, 2020)

As a guy sometimes it's just easier to do things on our own. The fact the he has lube doesn't mean he's cheating and don't shame him for masturbating. The browsing history of what lube to use with condom is def. concerning. If it was just porn sites then no harm no foul. Have his patterns changed? Also, how long have you not had sex with him in?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

jane jasmine said:


> I saw his browsing history was full of searches for "safe lube with condoms" and such.
> 
> ...What should I do? Should I just kick him out and tell him not to come back until he starts respecting me more?


Huge red flag that he was searching for that.

Don't confront yet. If you kick him out and tell him to come back and respect you, you'll never know what he has actually been doing.

If you confront, he'll stop doing what he is doing or go into full covert mode.

Do some recon. Check his phone on the sly and put a VAR in the car.

There is not much that can explain this other than full blown physical cheating.

....and better get yourself an STD test ASAP.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If you say anything to a cheater, they will either leave you or go further underground with their cheating. If you want to know what's really going on, you'll have to remain silent about your suspicions and start doing some investigating.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

While concerning, what you have written isn't enough to confront. For now, do not mention anything to your husband. Even if you do it in a non-confrontational way, if he IS cheating he will start covering his tracks better. When my wife was searching for latex-free condoms, let's just say she wasn't just curious. But first, you need to have solid proof of an affair (if there is one). 

Do you have access to your husband's phone? If so, you can restore any deleted texts, pictures, etc. 

Can you access the phone bill online and look for any numbers that he contacts frequently?

If you have old cell phone laying around, try and locate them. Sometimes they are used as a burner phone. 

You can put a VAR in his car and secure it under the seat. That will catch any conversations in the car. 

I know that it will be hard to hold off on confronting, but it will be worth it in the long run. If your husband is cheating it is VERY unlikely that he will admit it. Instead he will know that you are suspicious and do a better job at hiding the affair(s). 

I'm sorry you are in this situation.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sounds like he's being made to wear a condom for the first time in a *long *time and he didn't like how dry it was, so he got himself some lube so it's more enjoyable for him.

But he *also* knows certain lubes destroy latex and I'm willing to bet he was looking for the right lube to put inside that condom that wouldn't break down the condom material and God forbid, cause a pregnancy or get himself a nasty STD.

I suppose you should be 'glad' he's using a condom as most cheaters don't. But it's pretty doubtful he's going to THESE lengths *just* to masturbate. That's simply not logical. Even if he WAS masturbating _*with a condom*_ (highly unlikely) what the hell would he care if the lube were to break down the material? And more so, if he has to go these extremes just to find some kind of pleasure, why on earth would he be using the condom in the first place?

It's not like he's going to get his right hand pregnant.

He's fooling around with *someone*. Is it happening at _your_ house? Are you away from home on a daily basis or a few times a week, and he's bringing someone in? I'd be getting myself a little spy cam if that's the case.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

One of two things is my guess. Another woman or he's gay. I'd bet you've got a guy who's playing for the wrong team. If he had a chick on the side, he'd still be occasionally doing you. Ain't no red blooded straight guy going a leave a willing women just laying in her bedroom un-serviced. I wouldn't. Sides that, the chick would usually have the lube in her tool kit.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> But it's pretty doubtful he's going to THESE lengths *just* to masturbate. That's simply not logical. Even if he WAS masturbating _*with a condom*_ (highly unlikely) what the hell would he care if the lube were to break down the material? And more so, if he has to go these extremes just to find some kind of pleasure, why on earth would he be using the condom in the first place?


I came to say basically the same thing. I've heard of men using condoms to masturbate in order to contain the mess, but they seem to be rare. The only reasons to worry about a condom breaking down with lube are fear of STD and/or pregnancy. Lube, not very suspicious. The condom related internet search and the lube in combination? Highly suspicious.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

With just the lube and condoms search, it would be possible that he was just using the condoms essentially as disposable fleshlights. Once you add in the added search involving sex, it becomes a near 100% certainty that cheating is involved. How you investigate it and when and how you confront him have all been addressed by others that have dealt with it and you'd have to judge what you were comfortable with doing based on your situation.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

jane jasmine said:


> So, I joined this forum because there isn't everything OK with my marriage right.
> 
> My husband doesn't want to have sex with me, he doesn't want to sleep with me - he mostly spends nights on a sofa instead comming to bed.
> 
> ...


The biggest red flag is your husband sleeping on the couch.

Your post doesn't say so - wondering if you guys have talked about that?

If my husband retired in the evening on the couch, I would IMMEDIATELY ask him "What's up?" 

I don't see a big harm in doing more investigation before talking to him if you feel like you would rather have a better read on what is going on. But I also see no harm in confronting him with what you know and asking him to come clean in a safe nonthreatening way that will help him feel like the truth won't get him clobbered. 

It's hard to get information that your spouse's sexuality has wandered from monogamy. I wish there was more information about how to have this conversation calmly. Individual people have their own sexuality and it can vary throughout their lives. Navigating that can mean our preconceived notions are shattered and this can be frightening. We feel scared because of the possible losses and the feelings that come from deceit. Both people experience pain and wonder if there is enough love and acceptance to be able to come out on the other side of things in some way as still a whole human. 

Whatever is happening with him - it's not your fault. No matter what is said, it's not your fault. That may not make it feel better right now - but it helps you focus that what is happening is happening to and about him. You don't have to accept it or live with it but it would be taking a high road if you could try and understand it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well it's only "mostly dead". Might as well keep the thread going.

Do a lot of cheaters sleep on the couch? It seems a bit obvious. 

To the OP @jane jasmine It would be a good idea to have more evidence before throwing him out of the house (which is legally harder than you think). See Ele's post.

My spouse slept on the couch 1 or 2 times a week a while ago. She didn't start there but said my snoring sent her there. I guess I should have done some more investigating, VAR, phone labs, PI, at this point I can't recall if it lines up with the other surprising evidence. Really in the end, most states don't require any evidence at all. Failure to meet (even consider) your partner's emotional needs is irreconcilable to me.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Mr. Nail said:


> Well it's only "mostly dead". Might as well keep the thread going.
> 
> Do a lot of cheaters sleep on the couch? It seems a bit obvious.
> 
> ...


Mr Nail are you seeking specific answer to a specific questions?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Tilted 1 said:


> Mr Nail are you seeking specific answer to a specific questions?


Sorry to ramble but yes, I am asking for an opinion on this question: Is it common for a cheating spouse to stop sleeping in the marital bed?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I think yes, but sometimes they think this through and to give the appearance of "all's normal" may stay in the bed.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I also believe that if they are in true limerance, they will stay out if the marital bed, you know because it's cheating. Is it time to trust your gut moment?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Trusting your gut is way too close to listening to the voices in your head.


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## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

FastNFurious said:


> As a guy sometimes it's just easier to do things on our own. The fact the he has lube doesn't mean he's cheating and don't shame him for masturbating. The browsing history of what lube to use with condom is def. concerning. If it was just porn sites then no harm no foul. Have his patterns changed? Also, how long have you not had sex with him in?


So it's fine to sexually starve your spouse because it's easier. And by all means, don't shame the poor misunderstood darling for neglecting his wife.

Are men EVER wrong on this site?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Trusting your gut is way too close to listening to the voices in your head.


See, the thing is, most of us don't have voices in our heads. 

So yeah, I feel for most people, trusting your gut is a very valuable resource for lots of people.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

My advice on this topic is to get printable, confirmable, provable evidence - - OR - - File irreconcilable differences, (no fault)


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I think he needs lube because he is using a sex doll. If you search the house you will find a doll.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> Sorry to ramble but yes, I am asking for an opinion on this question: Is it common for a cheating spouse to stop sleeping in the marital bed?


You mention snoring Mr Nail. I can tell you from experience, snoring creates sleepless nights, and with early morning starts for work, it definitely does not induce romance. Snoring can be a huge relationship killer. If you have a problem snoring, why blame your partner's reaction and instead do something about it! It may be a matter of getting one of those nasal strips, etc.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

revived again. 
in order to not bog down the thread with thread jacks, I suggest we take up the snoring topic in a new thread. 
This thread is really all about what is or isn't a sign of infidelity.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> See, the thing is, most of us don't have voices in our heads.
> 
> So yeah, I feel for most people, trusting your gut is a very valuable resource for lots of people.


How can anyone not have a voice in their head. Is it possible to go and burgle someone's house and not her any correcting voice saying you are out of order? 

If is possible to dis your family member to an outsider and not hear any correcting voice? 

Is it possible to see some spousal behaviour and not hear any voice at all about what might cause it? 

Does that not mean one is totally disconnected to one's self if they have no head voice to listen to? 

I can have a full convo with myself at times, especially when I am trying to solve a problem. Sometimes I am my twin and I can hear two people using the same mouth reasoning with each other and the head voice chairing the discussion.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> How can anyone not have a voice in their head. Is it possible to go and burgle someone's house and not her any correcting voice saying you are out of order?


Yes. It's called psychopathy.


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## NalaLyla (Mar 3, 2020)

No offence, but I am not sure if he starts respecting you more if you kick him out.


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## jane jasmine (Dec 29, 2019)

Hi, I kicked him out, won't be taking him back again...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So JJ, did you find out -- WAS he cheating on you? DID you confront him on the lube? His response?


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## jane jasmine (Dec 29, 2019)

He never admitted, but I could hear it in his voice and eyes. I told him to go, and leave us alone. He went. Even if he's not cheating his acting alone is enough. We should split...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jane jasmine said:


> He never admitted, but I could hear it in his voice and eyes. I told him to go, and leave us alone. He went. Even if he's not cheating his acting alone is enough. We should split...


How could he not leave?
He slipped off his pedestal, since he lubed his own fate. 

Had he been innocent he would have vociferously offered up an excuse, a reason.
Had he wanted to reconcile, he would have offered up some story, plausible or not.

He went, because he knew his actions are now out in the open. 
Even a wayward has some sense of pride.

He did not fight for the relationship because he pre-pulled his bid to compete in the wedding ring.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

So sorry for what you are going through. We're here is you need to talk about things. *hugs*


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