# Same or separate beds?



## gumbylee (Aug 12, 2011)

My husband and I recently decided to divorce. Due to financial reasons, we won't be able to legally separate until next summer. We will need to stay in the same house until then. We have two wonderful kids, 14 and 6. 

Do we keep up the facade for the kids and remain in the same marital bed until next summer or sleep separately? What has been your experience? I want to sleep separately, but my husband thinks for the benefit of the kids, we should stay in the same bed. Need lots of advice on this, please!

Thank you,

gumbylee


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why would you "keep up the facade" for the kids? That is just lying to them which will cause more harm then good? 

Have you not told them you're getting a divorce? 

I would start there. 

Personally I woudln't want to sleep in the same bed as someone I'm divorcing. That would be way too weird.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

gumbylee said:


> but my husband thinks for the benefit of the kids, we should stay in the same bed.


BULL! For the benefit of the husband hoping to get a little action in the same bed, not for the benefit of the kids. Lying to them does nothing for them. I am reading "Helping Kids to Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way". It is painful, but has lots of good stuff on the transition for the kids. I highly recommend it.

OK, I don't know your husband so I shouldn't jump to conclusions. Having a very hard day so I'm a little bitter at the moment. I do recommend the book if you think you are heading to divorce. That way, you have some time to look it over. It gives lots of advice on how to tell the kids.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Best to let the kids know what's happening and that it's a mutual agreement. Explain to them that it doesn't change how you or your husband fee about them, it's just sometimes things don't work out.

Best to sleep in separate beds and rooms if possible, that way the transition will be easier once you do go ahead and separate and get divorced.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

My wife moved into one of the kid's rooms. It doesn't seem to bother anybody and it's better for me. Looks like I need to buy a bigger house.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

gumbylee said:


> My husband and I recently decided to divorce. Due to financial reasons, we won't be able to legally separate until next summer. We will need to stay in the same house until then. We have two wonderful kids, 14 and 6.
> 
> Do we keep up the facade for the kids and remain in the same marital bed until next summer or sleep separately? What has been your experience? I want to sleep separately, but my husband thinks for the benefit of the kids, we should stay in the same bed. Need lots of advice on this, please!
> 
> ...


I know all the others on here are opting for telling the kids - but give it a lot of thought before you call down the thunder on them. If you guys were thinking about complete separation right off the bat - then I would definitely tell them. But since you said another year - I would think about it first. You don't have to pull that trigger right away. You can always do it when you know that there is no chance at all. Remember that you will feel a range of emotions for the next few weeks - you don't know what will happen for sure. And I promise you will feel differently as time passes; so wait at least until you are sure that it isn't just strong emotions talking right now.

When you say "We" decided to divorce - who really brought it up first? Just wondering since you do not want to sleep in the same bed but he doesn't mind for a while.

From my experience, if you are sure you are not going to be splitting up until next summer - don't tell the kids yet. Anything can happen in a years time, you don't want to set yourself up to add another item to the list in case by some miracle you decide to reconcile. All I know is that our kids were devastated - angry, pissed, hurt, and didn't want anything to do with us for a while - they are all adults. Now that we are CONSIDERING reconcilation, we are the ones playing cherades acting like we are going our separate ways because we do not want to give the kids hope, only to find out we can not work together and hurt them all over again. Not to mention, that even if we do reconcile, our family dynamics will be forever altered since now my parents and my sister say she is dead to them. Yes, I am dealing with that drama too. So if we wouldn't have said anything to begin with, we would have less risk to possibly sabatoge our reconciliation.

With that said, everyone is different but I don't see huritng to kids right now - and it will be better for them in school if they are not having to have this on their minds. Just my .02 cents worth.

You might try seperate beds anyway and just tell the kids that he or you are moving too much in bed and you need to get better rest for a little while. I would wait.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> You might try seperate beds anyway and just tell the kids that he or you are moving too much in bed and you need to get better rest for a little while. I would wait.



Brighterlight, good points. It has been hard on my kids as well. IF you have to stay in the same house for a year before you file, maybe it would be better to wait. You may possibly decide to reconcile by that time.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Also I wanted to mention that I, in no way, think that it will be easy hiding this from the kids. It will be purgatory (LIMBO) for you for a year but at least maybe you can spare the kids for a while. See where things go and give them a better chance in school. Whatever you decide, it will be tough, either way. I wish you the best.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

You can sleep in seperate beds without dropping the D bomb on the kids. Kids aren't stupid if there is tension in the house they will know it. Lots of couples do it for various reasons that aren't going through a divorce.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ticonderoga said:


> You can sleep in seperate beds without dropping the D bomb on the kids. Kids aren't stupid if there is tension in the house they will know it. Lots of couples do it for various reasons that aren't going through a divorce.


No, on the contrary, kids have an extraordinary sense when it comes to these things but having them "Think" it, is not the same as officially telling them. At least if they aren't completely sure, they can try to focus on other things - like school. And again, I am just saying temporarily.

When things like this are out of the bag, they snowball. Why upset them now when school is about to start. And make it more difficult to fix things later with the kids. i dunno, either way it's hard.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

bunk beds.


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