# Should I put my wedding ring on if working on reconsiling?



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm not sure if I should put my wedding ring on since we are wrking on reconsiling? Would that mean anything to a Husband? My H never wore his wedding ring. He works in constructionand says the band is dangerous to wear. So he really has not worn it the whole marriage. I have worn mine the whole marriage. 

So if I put mine back on would this be a sign of commitment to a husband?

Is leaving is off a sign that I'm not committed even though I'm telling him I want him to move back home?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you want your marriage I think it would be a good sign to wear your ring.

It would indeed mean something to him.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thanks for your advice. I just was not sure about it and thought of it a couple days ago. A wedding ring means a lot to me. I'm not sure what it means to him. Before our seperation he was I guess planning to save $$ for a new wedding ring for me. 

He told me this when I said I thought that he wanted a divorce all along(this conversation was about 3 months ago)


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> Thanks for your advice. I just was not sure about it and thought of it a couple days ago. A wedding ring means a lot to me. I'm not sure what it means to him. Before our seperation he was I guess planning to save $$ for a new wedding ring for me.
> 
> He told me this when I said I thought that he wanted a divorce all along(this conversation was about 3 months ago)


It may not have the emotional weight for him that it does for you but it is a powerful positive sign/symbol of your desire and intent to be with him.

This can only make a man happy.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

tacoma said:


> It may not have the emotional weight for him that it does for you but it is a powerful positive sign/symbol of your desire and intent to be with him.
> 
> This can only make a man happy.


Thanks!!! Hes a hard man to figure out, but a wedding ring on me must be important to him since he did talk about gettign a new ring for a long time, I just never took him seriously because of the financial stress I felt.

I don't think I will see Husband again until Friday when hes coming to pick up the kids.

I have resently been asking him about moving back in the house also.

He wanted to know what things will change if we get back together. So I guess hes "maybe" thinking about moving back in.

Ww are starting to watch the same shows at the same time as we are texting eachother. I just think sometimes that it would be easier to watch them together int he same house where we can have more communication than just phone calls and texting.

Thanks again for your advise. I think when he does see me again he may notice. I just can't let myself get upset if he does not notice though


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> Thanks again for your advise. I think when he does see me again he may notice. I just can't let myself get upset if he does not notice though


We can be slow to pick up on things like whether or not she`s wearing her ring but if he noticed you stopped wearing it he will definitely notice you`ve put it back on, even if he doesn`t mention it.

Good luck!!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I can be very slow to pick things up too,LOL! 

I did put my ring back on tonight. I didn't expect it to bring me the comfort that it did. Even though he does not know I'm wearing it, it brings me comfort.

I guess I will see if he notices the ring on FRiday night. He is picking up our children on Friday for the weekend


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

So I have a question..

I am wearing mine, even though my wife left hers at the house when we separated 6 weeks ago. She has stated she wants a divorce, which I am starting to work on with a lawyer. Should I leave mine on since I want to reconcile, and give it to her the day we sign? Or should I take it off, accept that we are over, and look to the future "unattached"?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

If you want to reconsile maybe you should leave your ring on. My husband never wore a wedding ring, unfortunatly, (men are sexy with wedding band on)So no wedding ring question for my husband.

Also 6 weeks is still a very short time to be seperated. Me and my husband had almost NC for a while. He tried to contact me, but I kept avoiding him. I was the one who initially wanted the divorce because I thought thre was no hope. I thought he wanted teh divorce. It was his contact and his question that made me think.

He asked " I have to know, is this Divorce what you really want?"

I think those might be the most important words he has ever emailed me.

He filed for divorce first. I avoided being served and got him served first. The day aftre he was served is when he asked. The divorce papers are still there, but neither of us has done anything with them really. He has a lawyer and I don't.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Blueskies,

What is the average time to be separated?

She has told her grandmother about her hs flame she is hooked up with atm.

She says "We are just dating, we are not living together." 

What the hell is the difference?:scratchhead:

Her grandmother asks her "Do you really want to destroy your family?" in which she ignores the question entirely.

I know I have to move on to grow...what she does to me emotionally everyday (even though its my pain) is just too much to handle.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

So Instead of letting my husband see that I was wearing my wedding ring....I decided to tell him I was wearing it through text tonight. I told him I hoped he would not be mad about it, but it was important to me since wearing a wedding ring is a very big thing for me and that we are reconsiling. 

I guess I'm trying to put as much ideas in his head as possible about marriage and not divorce. 

Today we went back to a family plan with a cell phone company. My husband is the owner, so this was his idea weeks ago. He did go back and forth on this decision of his at first. So going to a family plan must be a big deal to him.

I will try to make it a point that he sees me wearing my wedding ring this weekend. Every weekend we have been seeing eachother. I think it will really mean something to him to see the ring on because that ring means the start of our marriage


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

hurtingsobad said:


> Blueskies,
> 
> What is the average time to be separated?
> 
> ...


So sorry for you It really sounds to me like she is enjoying her freedom

I decided to end my marraige because I was listening to my parents who put all these bad thoughts in my head for years about my husband and his family. Not to mention telling me my kids would basically not have autism if I left my husband. There were some issues in the marriage, actually a lot and almost no comunication, but there was deep love on both of our ends. 

I gave up hope that it was worth being in.

2-3 weeks before my husband asked me the very important question of did I really want the divorce, I knew I did not want the divorce. I knew I could not live without the man I promised God that I would hold "till death do us part"

Your wife needs to come to her senses before communication between the two of you can really start. 

My husband and I started communicating because we both wanted it. We have communicated more in 2 months than we have communicated in like 2-5 years at least!!!

There is still a lot of work to do, but we are growing together.

I hope it all works out for you


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

hurtingsobad said:


> Blueskies,
> 
> What is the average time to be separated?
> 
> ...


I really hope your wife wakes up and relizes what choices shes making will change her family forever

I hope you get though this


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

why do you guys text and not talk on the phone?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

justwhy said:


> why do you guys text and not talk on the phone?


Sometimes its easier to talk about difficult subjects or to ask difficult questions that you are afraid to anser. Its easier to type the words than try to say them from your mouth.

My H lives with his parents right now where cell reseption is not great, so we text. There are those times when texting just does not work.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

I understand you want this to work but you guys should be having weekly date

similar situation put my husband out and he questioning moving back in but he's stays the nite at-least 5x a week and we go out every weekend when the kids are at grand-mom. Our MC told me don't pressure because he home but still need some freedom and comfort. 

Also he not comfortable wearing his ring yet so i decide when he come home officially I will begin to wear mine.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I think my H might feel pressured to be expected to act a certain way, do certain things or feel a certain way with calling our spending time together a date. We are spending as much time together as possible, but just not calling it a date.

My husband has never worn a wedding ring, so I'm not going to pressure him to do it at all. IN his line of work he can't wear a wedding ring.

I'm going to continue letting things go as they are going right now.
My husband just put both of our cell phones from individual accounts to a family account. He was going back and forth on it before, he actually decided to do it. 

My husband is not like the usual man and so its always been hard to figure him out. 

But I think my husband and I are on the path back to eachother, so I will continue to let it happen slowly, no matter if its not the usual way of doing these types of reconsilations

So as I am doing, do what is right for you and your husband


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

are your needs being met or you just want him back?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

at this time my needs are being met. He is giving me his time. 

I can't push my other needs so soon. All I can hope for is that by putting eachother first as wehn we first started our relationship that each of our needs will be met because we love and care about eachther and we want to make the other happy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, wear your ring


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

justwhy said:


> are your needs being met or you just want him back?


This was an excellent question and one most people need to ask themselves after a break up and potential reconciliation.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> This was an excellent question and one most people need to ask themselves after a break up and potential reconciliation.


only ask because it seem like a lot justification in going on.. I had to step back and ask myself that. relationships are give and take. because I wanted him back i started forget why we were not living together. He would call to come over when the kids was at his mother for food(best cook ever) & sex... then I snap out of it and started requesting 
1. weekly dates
2. Quality time
3. Family time
4. etc... while we are separated because when he decide to come back home both our needs are being met.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

So far I think my needs are being met for the stage our reconsilation is on. He comes home to fix things in the hosue for me, things he didn't do in the marriage. We have family time. We talk on the phone as much as possible nad then we text. He gets up at 4am to go to work and gets out of the security gate at about 
5:15pm and calls me. He has a long drive home, gets home about 6:30-7pm, then he texts me until he goes to bed at about 9-9:30 pm. He works m-f and sometimes saturdays. so the weekends are the only time we can do anything. WE have 3 children who all have autism. He tries to help and have as much patience with them as possible.

We have gone a few places without our children, but he has not called them dates yet.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I never took my ring off. Whether separated and divorcing or if she's acting like it or not, I'm still married. Unpopular stance to most but that's how I see. Either I'm married or divorced and since I'm not divorced yet, the ring stays on until.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> I'm not sure if I should put my wedding ring on since we are wrking on reconsiling? Would that mean anything to a Husband? My H never wore his wedding ring. He works in constructionand says the band is dangerous to wear. So he really has not worn it the whole marriage. I have worn mine the whole marriage.
> 
> So if I put mine back on would this be a sign of commitment to a husband?
> 
> Is leaving is off a sign that I'm not committed even though I'm telling him I want him to move back home?


You are still married, no?

If you weren't committed, you'd be gone....wouldn't you?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Darkhorse said:


> You are still married, no?
> 
> If you weren't committed, you'd be gone....wouldn't you?


Yes we are still married

I guess I sort of felt undeserving of wearing the ring again. 

I almost felt that my husband might be upset that I put the ring back on. I was unsure whether it would be my husband choice to put it back on me like when we got married. 

I'm so glad I asked this question here because I really got some meaningful answers and I decided to put the ring back on. I instantly felt more connected to my husband. I felt compelled to tell him I put the ring back on. I was not sure how he would react. My husband is very hard to read. He said he was not mad about it and said to do what I wanted. 

Basically I think he meant to wear it if I wanted.

I do think it means more to him than he is telling me. He has not actually seen it yet. He will see me again on Friday.

My husband has said more things since I told him I was wearing the ring, that kind of is going towards acting fully married again and him moving back in.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

what is the hold up with you guys being intimate?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

justwhy said:


> what is the hold up with you guys being intimate?


I'm not sure what the hold up is with the intimicy. He has said he does not want to just jump back into the marriage. I don't think he wants to do it just for the intimicy. Maybe he wants to work on the other stuff first without those feelings clouding everything else. 

He has said in our beginning fazes of talking that he does not want to come back into the marriage with the same stuff happening again.

During the marraige our sex life declined over the years. I was pushing him away he said.
We do have a lot of stress in our marriage. Parents on both sides controlling. My side saying that my husband was so bad and his parents saying he was bad at money management, raising our kids and calling us non-stop. 
We have 3 kids who are on the Autism spectrum, so many stresses with that as well. 

So far my husband has not spend the night at home at all. I'm trying to be patient and not pressuring him too much to rush things, even though I feel incredibly lonely. He has said he hopes to spend the night soon. 

His birthday is on Saturday and its just another day for him he says, but under the circumstances I wanted to do something a little special for him to let him know that I really do know him. He had recently mentioned wanting to find some CD's that were stolen out of his truck years ago. So I got him some used copies of AC/DC and a Star Wars birthday card with Yoda, talking cards...ha ha


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

how was his birthday?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

justwhy said:


> how was his birthday?


It was really good!! It was not planned but I spent both FRiday night and Saturday night with him. I went home late Sunday. We did sleep in the same bed together, but nothing intimiate. 

It was so nice to be in the same bed together. I'm misssing some of the basic simple things. It was really nice to see him sleep basically naked and now a week later my desire for him is through the roof!!!

After the kids were loaded into the car Sunday night. He was giivng me the usual good bye tight hug. I decided to kiss him. He did return the kiss and didn't pull away, but we were outside in the cold, so no chance really for anyhting more or a longer kiss

He has visited me after work at our home a couple days this week. His hugs have gotten more intimiate and his hands have started to wander. He has been looking into my eyes when we are embracing and he decided to kiss me the other day.

I really long for more from him, I'd like him to move back in. He seems to be hung up on it though. Yesterday he said there are too many bad memories at this home. We really can't move anywhere right now. So if he does not move back in we have to continue living seperate. I just can't stand it any longer. I need him to take that leap and face his fears. 

I've asked him a couple days ago if he would spend the night this weekend with me, but he says I don't know or maybe and then never gets discussed again until I bring it up, really.

Saturday morning he did ask me when I wanted him to move back in though. It was before he told me some devasting news though. So I think now that he has told me about a huge mistake that he made, thats why he does not want to move back in. 

I'm pretty sure things are so hard for us because my husband has a bit of ASpergers. WE have 3 children with autism.

THis weekend we are supposed to do some stuff together wihtout our kids. So I hope to have some special moments with him. I'm missing him so much its starting to really effect me. 

Yesterday he said we would go out tonight (friday) for steak dinner and a movie. I hope he remembers this and doesn't just forget we text about it. He is working today so it will be late, not like on a saturday night where you can have dinner at 5pm and movie at 6:30. He does not get to our house after work until 6pm and all his things are at his paretns house where he stays, so he would have to go thre to change out of work clothes. 

So I hope we do something because I miss him terribly!!!!


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

Ironically I wear mine as part of my brilliant lol disguise she never can remember to wear hers says its a work hazard I said ok here's what you do when you get to work take it off when you get back in the car put it on-- not complicated! Then she gets the hand wrong in her country they aren't strict about wearing it on the left hand. For our anniversary (prior to d -day) I said I just want one thing wear your ring all the time - hasn't been capable. She knows it means more to me as a symbol if I were to stop wearing it she'd know something was up. I will keep the charade up till its out in the open.
In your case though it makes sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Blindasabat:

I am wearing my ring now and it actually makes me feel better, but thre are times when I feel like taking it off, but I know that is the anger and hurt speaking and I try to just ignore the feeling. I'm leaving it on to say how important this marriage is to me.

Since I started this thread he has come out with his affair. Its been hard at first to keep it on. 

He agreed to wear his wedding ring when I asked him if he would when he exposed himself. I just can't find his ring though. I have looked all over this house. He had told me upon agreeing to wear a wedding ring that he would need a different ring with a narrower band. He works in a dangerous environment and when the time comes to buy him a new ring I will tell him he should wear it to work, take it off when hes working, put it in his pocket or a safe place, then put it back on when he his day is over. The ring is a big symbol to me


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your husband is playing you for a fool. He knows it, we know it, you can't and won't accept it.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Your husband is playing you for a fool. He knows it, we know it, you can't and won't accept it.


WELL SAID.... I follow this story & nothing in these post says he wants the same thing she wants. 

It's sad but I hope you turn your energy into a hobby(by yourself) on the weekend and drop the kids to him. let him take the kids alone on the weekend so you can get a break. You seem depended on him to make you happy.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

I have often asked the same question myself. She was the one to take hers off. I didn't take mine off until after she made it clear she wanted a divorce and was ready to move on. I cried like a baby and put it back on. It took several times before I went an entire day with out wearing it. The first time I actually left it at home I ended up driving back home on my lunch break to get it. I still miss it and I know what you mean about the comfort that it brings. My wife and I are now working on rebuilding our marriage and I've wondered about when it would be appropriate to once more wear mine. I won't ask her to wear hers as I feel she should make that decision on her own but at the same time I worry about putting unspoken pressure on her by starting to wear mine. I also fear that even though I'm saying that I want it to be her choice that I will be extremely hurt if I start wearing mine and she doesn't and that it will become a source of friction instead of a uniting force. I have thought of wearing it on a chain around my neck (your husband may want to consider this option if his work environment allows it while still being safe).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

miscommunication said:


> I have often asked the same question myself. She was the one to take hers off. I didn't take mine off until after she made it clear she wanted a divorce and was ready to move on. I cried like a baby and put it back on. It took several times before I went an entire day with out wearing it. The first time I actually left it at home I ended up driving back home on my lunch break to get it. I still miss it and I know what you mean about the comfort that it brings. My wife and I are now working on rebuilding our marriage and I've wondered about when it would be appropriate to once more wear mine. I won't ask her to wear hers as I feel she should make that decision on her own but at the same time I worry about putting unspoken pressure on her by starting to wear mine. I also fear that even though I'm saying that I want it to be her choice that I will be extremely hurt if I start wearing mine and she doesn't and that it will become a source of friction instead of a uniting force. I have thought of wearing it on a chain around my neck (your husband may want to consider this option if his work environment allows it while still being safe).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm still wearing my ring and it still brings me comfort. I looked all over the house for his and could not find it. He had already said to me that he would need a different ring. So I guess when the time comes we will look for a new one for him that is comfortsble for him. He wears no rings at all and has thick fingers from working with his hands so much, hes a pipe fitter.

Even though everyone on here seems to have negative comments.....My husband is the one to text me all day, ask me what I'm doing...the one to suggest that he spend the night at our house. My husband parents are involved in this, they know of his affair and they know of mine. I'm not sure if my husband tells them any of his thoughts, but my MIL is in constant contact with me and my FIL too.

My husband is afraid to come back home because he is afraid to come back too soon because he does not want us to fall apart and everything to be ruined, plus hes very afraid of my parents. He also does not want the guilt of me not talking to my parents. I have to kep reassuring him it is my choice. No My husband is not isolating me from my parents. My parents were all I had as biological family in the state we live in.

Heres some background on my parents for you. I've been lied to my whole life by them. I found out on my own that my step dad (who my mom told me was my real dad all my life) was not my real dad, found this out at 15 on my own. Then that same summer at 15 we visited Colorado. (I'd never been out of WA or OR) Then at 16 we moved w/ only a couple weeks notice. I recently found out that my grandma(mom's mom) took a credit card out falsly in my grandpas name in secret to move us out to Colorado. 

So for some reason my parents have been isolating me from any man thats ever been in my life. Its no different for my husband and actually worse. They had a plan to move me and my children far away(just as they did me) to keep me and the kids away from my husband. They did not like him from the time I started to spending all my time with him. So my husband is afraid of all this same toxic drama coming back in that makes him feel so bad that hes giving his all to me and working so hard for his family, but his in laws talk crap about him.

Our first MC sesion after both of us have admitted infedilities is this Friday. I hope it goes smoothly and it does not ruin xmas.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

You need a hobby!!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

justwhy said:


> You need a hobby!!


I had many!! They got to be too much though!! At one point I had 3 aquariums, but I could not keep up with them because of my 3 special needs children and the dogs. It was just too much work. I had 10 dogs and all the puppies....I had a website that is still upa nd running, but I ahve not changed it. I do ahve a hobby still....Photography, but with it winter....I have just not been doing much with it. I love doing special effects with the pics on the computer nad I have many different lens filters that will make a waterfall effect, blurring water behind you or the starlight effect for night time lights. So I do still have hobbies. On weekends I've been with my Husband every weekend(his choice) or he is texting me all day like yesterday(his choice)


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

ok i hope you gets what your heart desires!!! you know your husband best.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

justwhy said:


> ok i hope you gets what your heart desires!!! you know your husband best.


Thanks I hope I do too.

I do have doubts about him that I don't tell him until we get to counseling. Some things need to be talked about in counseling only. IDK why but he listens to our counselor more than anyone else. When I do admit some of my doubts with him he is quick to let me know that he was asking me for months to make an appt with our counselor and I made excuses as to why I could not.

I was actaully scared and not ready for questions to be asked of me at counseling. He had to win some of my confidence in him before I was ready to make the step for MC sessions


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

I would suggest that you discuss your doubt before with your husband. it's only one hour. the first half go so fast you guys are going to background and what led to this point and at the end setting goal on what you guys want from MC. 

The only reason I believe it work for me was that we both knew what and why we where going so when asked. We both said we want to be together and stay together plus we was very still into each other and no issues with cheating so it's different. our problem lack of communication which was making us friend in a house vs lovers. 

now we make it a point to express need being met.. emotionally or physically no matter the cost or backlash. It tough but it's on the table for discussion. 

MC can make it happen for you or destroy your marriage so prepare for worse and pray for the best.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm gonna have to keep some things inside putting a happy front on for him until our marraige counseling session. Then I have a big question for him and I'm pretty sure our MC will kick his A$$ with her words.

I had a talk with my FIL...my husband will tel his dad some things that he does not tell me. FIL says H does not want to be married to a depressed person. He said I do have rights to be down right now, but when I'm down it brings H down and I need to put on a happy face and think positive, and positive things will happen


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> I'm gonna have to keep some things inside putting a happy front on for him until our marraige counseling session. Then I have a big question for him and I'm pretty sure our MC will kick his A$$ with her words.
> 
> I had a talk with my FIL...my husband will tel his dad some things that he does not tell me. FIL says H does not want to be married to a depressed person. He said I do have rights to be down right now, but when I'm down it brings H down and I need to put on a happy face and think positive, and positive things will happen


He is going to use MC to make himself look like a saint so he can continue his abusive behaviors. You don't need to be punched in the face for it to be abuse. He texts you nonstop because it's a form of control, please call a domestic abuse hotline.

Sell the ring and put the cash toward a lawyer, keep the receipt for the financial disclosures later on...if you apply for assistance they will need to see the receipt and it will be needed for the divorce ppwk. I guarantee his ring is already melted down and the cash is long gone..that is the real reason he would need a new one.

I don't mean to be harsh but I am truly worried about you.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband is just crazy thats all I have to say!!! IDK what is in the future and I don't know what he thinks


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

miscommunication said:


> I have often asked the same question myself. She was the one to take hers off. I didn't take mine off until after she made it clear she wanted a divorce and was ready to move on. I cried like a baby and put it back on. It took several times before I went an entire day with out wearing it. The first time I actually left it at home I ended up driving back home on my lunch break to get it. I still miss it and I know what you mean about the comfort that it brings. My wife and I are now working on rebuilding our marriage and I've wondered about when it would be appropriate to once more wear mine. I won't ask her to wear hers as I feel she should make that decision on her own but at the same time I worry about putting unspoken pressure on her by starting to wear mine. I also fear that even though I'm saying that I want it to be her choice that I will be extremely hurt if I start wearing mine and she doesn't and that it will become a source of friction instead of a uniting force. I have thought of wearing it on a chain around my neck (your husband may want to consider this option if his work environment allows it while still being safe).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How about having a re-commitment ceremony and you both put your rings back on at that time?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> My husband is just crazy thats all I have to say!!! IDK what is in the future and I don't know what he thinks


This post seems to be a complete change from you last few... did something happen today?


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> This post seems to be a complete change from you last few... did something happen today?


yes to much back and forth... do you guys want the same thing.. I know he text you all day.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> This post seems to be a complete change from you last few... did something happen today?


Yes it is a complete change, your right....

I'm in pain and unsure about what to beleive.

Even his mom thinks that maybe he is playing me and she did not raise her son to be like this. She is mad that he is doing this too me and that he just can't come out and tell me what he wants so I can either move on or we can grow together.

His dad said earlier today that he thinks that my H wants the same thing as me. He says that whenever I am upset my H is clearly upset too.

I just can't figure out what my H is thinking. Hes sending me signals that he wants to continue with the marraige, but court proceedings go on. 

We have not done mediation or any of that, but it was talkeda bout with his atty, but then I get an email about final orders gonna be set for a date. There is no date yet, just a date that it will be set up.

My H text me at 5AM this morning to talk about it. I told him how I felt that these whole 2-3 months of everything I've gone through with him has been for nothing. I asked him do you want to be divorced? He said have I said I want a divorce?

The conversation went to phone. He said he felt the same way I did about working on things for months for nothing. He had been working hard on himself to cahnge himself and make him a better persona dn better for his kids and then I kicked him out and he didn't know if he would see his kids again because of the restraining order. At that same time my parents stepped in and told him things like my dad told him that He was going to take me and the kids away and my H would never see us again. Of course at teh time I didn't know my Dad was doing this and I was just relizing how much control they had over me through out the whole marraige. My dad was involved with my Husbands supervised visits at first because my Husband had reached out to him at court asking him too becasue my Husband was trusting him. 

So this morning my Husband says he plans to stop the divorce proceedings and not get all teh way to divorce. He is very very afraid that my parents will be in our life again. That I will confide in them again and they will twist the truth and situation, that they will brainwash me again, that my Dad will break into our hosue again and that my Dad will confront my H and my H will do something that lands him in jail.

I do think he is being a bit irational with his fears about my Dad breaking in and that him doing something to my dad. 

He also said He feels that it took me 11 years to relize what my parents were doing to me and to our marriage.

I just don't know what to say to my husband of why it took 11 years for me to wake up. All I know is that I have had lots of child hood abuse by my parents and the whole family covering it up and that I must have wanted to please my parents and wanted thier love so I could not see what they were doing until my husband and I were seperated and then they really stepped up the control and told me how my divorce was going to be and took control of my kids or tried too.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Sorry Sweetie, but your husband is playing you. He going to play the victim and you are allowing him.. You guys have problems that don't involved your parents. You & your parents did not make him cheat.. How old is your husband? Is he able to be the man of the house. & for you keep chasing him he is going to make you have a breakdown. 

If your parents are out of the picture why are still bring them back into your relationship by talking about. 

Your husband is a player, liar, and cheater. while he's text you sexing the next women.I sorry but he going to hurt and play the victim and you're going keep justifying it. You are ok with being an abused person. you need help before you be in a good relationship with anybody.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

Is it at all possible that you parents wanted to protect you from your abuser? Wanting to move you away and protect you is not an uncommon reaction for a parent...even abusive parents.

I really think you should do a 180...send emails in regards to the kids...once a day...no texting or phone calls made or answered unless it's an emergency..if you have the kids with you...whatever 911 text he sends can be ignored. And just put some space between you and your husband...it's easier to see the abuse for yourself once you've had a chance to disconnect.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

too add to Set me Free.. Drop the kids to his parent when he's not there when you need a break..


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

This all started because I cheated I must add, I'm the one who broke trust and went along with everything that my paretns wanted. You don't know how much my husband tried to support me emotionally through the marriage because of what my parents were doing to me, but I just could not see it. I just could not see how they were putting me against my Husband and my husbands whole family, while my mom could not talk to me on the phone for even 5 minutes without saying "oh that's Dad again and hes called 3 times, so I better answer" They gradually started missing xmas, thanksgiving and then this year birthdays because of thier gambling. My husband and I fought over him being displeased with what my parents were doing. I could not see that my parents had a problem. There is much you don't know about the damamge my paretns have done to me, my husband and my marriage. My dad has even gone as far as threatening family members on my Husbands side of the family while my Dad was drunk, but hiding his drinking from me and my mother.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Sweetie, 
you have all the answers and justifications so why are seeking advice? Do you want advice on how to handle the situation or do you want people to know that you're the reason your husband don't want you?


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> This all started because I cheated I must add, I'm the one who broke trust and went along with everything that my paretns wanted. You don't know how much my husband tried to support me emotionally through the marriage because of what my parents were doing to me, but I just could not see it. I just could not see how they were putting me against my Husband and my husbands whole family, while my mom could not talk to me on the phone for even 5 minutes without saying "oh that's Dad again and hes called 3 times, so I better answer" They gradually started missing xmas, thanksgiving and then this year birthdays because of thier gambling. My husband and I fought over him being displeased with what my parents were doing. I could not see that my parents had a problem. There is much you don't know about the damamge my paretns have done to me, my husband and my marriage. My dad has even gone as far as threatening family members on my Husbands side of the family while my Dad was drunk, but hiding his drinking from me and my mother.


Your affair and your parent's behavior does not justify your husband's abusive behavior... EVER.... in any circumstance. Your husband has a problem and you need to find a way to get some distance from him so you can get your head on straight. You have done nothing but make excuses and take blame for his choices...you need to learn to stop doing that as soon as possible. 

Go to your local library or your library's website and reserve a book called "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." By Lundy Bancroft.....I had lulled myself into believing my stbxh had moved on to his next willing victim(they are deluding themselves into thinking it's kink..he even calls himself a sadist now on their personal ads looking for a 3rd) but he is still doing abusive things....like withholding support, fighting for custody of the kids, that up until just recently only existed in his mind to 'lock me into the marriage' (his words not mine). Playing games with drop off and pick up times, not allowing phone calls when he has the kids, making sure I am aware of his gun by lifting his shirt, insisting on having kids for Halloween, getting his way and then making the OW take the kids trick or treating so he can play on the computer. The list goes on and on...normally I would say he was just an [email protected]!e...but every single thing he does is abusive and meant to punish me for leaving.

It's not you or your parents...it's him.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How about having a re-commitment ceremony and you both put your rings back on at that time?


E Girl- I had thought of something like that but during a counseling session she remarked along the lines of not being ready for that so I dropped it. I had considered getting her a promise ring for Christmas but after that session I nixed that idea. On Christmas I was extremely surprised and elated when I opened a single small gift from her. She got us matching rings that read "HOPE LOVE FAITH". She told me that she felt we should be wearing rings and that these would symbolize hope for love (she has told me she doesn't love me.....which hurts but she is trying to find the love we lost). So even though it's not my wedding ring I'm happy to be wearing a ring that means just as much to me. 

I hope that this helps others and that Christmas brought others a gift just as precious as mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

miscommunication said:


> E Girl- I had thought of something like that but during a counseling session she remarked along the lines of not being ready for that so I dropped it. I had considered getting her a promise ring for Christmas but after that session I nixed that idea. On Christmas I was extremely surprised and elated when I opened a single small gift from her. She got us matching rings that read "HOPE LOVE FAITH". She told me that she felt we should be wearing rings and that these would symbolize hope for love (she has told me she doesn't love me.....which hurts but she is trying to find the love we lost). So even though it's not my wedding ring I'm happy to be wearing a ring that means just as much to me.
> 
> I hope that this helps others and that Christmas brought others a gift just as precious as mine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Christmas defiantly has brought me and my husband the gift we wanted. We were working on our love coming back before thsi day though. Many ups and downs brought us back together. This crhristmas since I wanted our family totally together for christmas and his parents didn't want the mother of thier 3 grandchildren alone on christmas. my husband and I were together the whole long weekend. Just today my husband said he is moving back in, he made several comments all day, but thats how he is until he actually says something for sure. He told me this morning he was moving back in. Told me to pack my thigns up and then next weekend hesw packing all his and moving back. We went to lunch as a family. The kids are so used to him going his seperate way and going to thier grandmas house. The kids are used to him calling our home thier home and that his house was at thier grndmas house. He started sayign no this is my house too. Before he left our home to go to his parents, he asked the kids if they wanted him to move back in and they were so excited!! If my husband didn't have to work the next 3 days he would be moving back ASAP!!


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> Christmas defiantly has brought me and my husband the gift we wanted. We were working on our love coming back before thsi day though. Many ups and downs brought us back together. This crhristmas since I wanted our family totally together for christmas and his parents didn't want the mother of thier 3 grandchildren alone on christmas. my husband and I were together the whole long weekend. Just today my husband said he is moving back in, he made several comments all day, but thats how he is until he actually says something for sure. He told me this morning he was moving back in. Told me to pack my thigns up and then next weekend hesw packing all his and moving back. We went to lunch as a family. The kids are so used to him going his seperate way and going to thier grandmas house. The kids are used to him calling our home thier home and that his house was at thier grndmas house. He started sayign no this is my house too. Before he left our home to go to his parents, he asked the kids if they wanted him to move back in and they were so excited!! If my husband didn't have to work the next 3 days he would be moving back ASAP!!




Great for you!!:smthumbup:


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## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

To OP on OT... I'm 15 months post wifes PA and our wedding rings were flushed down the toilet over a year ago. Major rollar coaster ride. that is totally YOUR choice on when u r ready. I am NOT.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

38m3kids said:


> To OP on OT... I'm 15 months post wifes PA and our wedding rings were flushed down the toilet over a year ago. Major rollar coaster ride. that is totally YOUR choice on when u r ready. I am NOT.


Each situation is different. Both my husband and I have been able to communicate about why we each were unfaithful. WE each were thinking of eachother during our infedilities. We each have chosen to forgive eachother for our wrongs and admit what we did wrong, so we can move forward with what is important. Whats important is that we both feel like we are 2 peas in a pod. We both love eachother and want happiness for eachother. Its been a long hard road to get to this point. I do still have visions, but I try to keep them away, those are the past.


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