# Break ups and kids



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

So the "rebound" girlfriend and I broke up this week. I'm OK with the breakup, but I'm really concerned for my kids. They absolutely adored her. Especially over the last few months they've been telling me on their own how they want to go over there and hang out and invite her to things.

So my question to you all, how should I handle the inevitable questioning from the kids about why they don't see her anymore? Kids are 7 and 5, they've known her for about a year.

I'm extra sensitive for them because of the split with their mom, I don't want them to feel like every person they see me love, they lose. I'm also going to be extremely disciplined in who I let meet my kids from now on (as in, I better be about to propose to you).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ah, everyone has to get the rebound of the way post-divorce. 

Be honest with them. You're not seeing each other anymore.

How long were you dating her? Why'd you break up? (curious).


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ah, everyone had to get the rebound of the way post-divorce.
> 
> Be honest with them. You're not seeing each other anymore.
> 
> How long were you dating her? Why'd you break up? (curious).


2 Years. She wanted to get married (or at least be on the road to marriage), I told her I didn't want to and probably wasn't going to change my mind. So she ended it.

To be fair to her, I went into it telling her I was open to the idea (and I was at the time). As I got a little further into the relationship I realized I just didn't want to put myself back in that situation.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I am wondering when the day may come for this conversation for me and my GF

When I have broken up with women the past I just told my kids that they were getting involved in other things and that adult realtionships were complicated. We may not see her again. That always seemed more than adequate for my girls. The one I have now lives with me so that will be a hurdle I don't know how to get over but the others didn't..... so was easier


Sorry about your breakup.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Sorry about your breakup.


Thanks mate. I'm in a pretty good spot right now with myself. Life is good.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COguy said:


> 2 Years. She wanted to get married (or at least be on the road to marriage), I told her I didn't want to and probably wasn't going to change my mind. So she ended it.
> 
> To be fair to her, I went into it telling her I was open to the idea (and I was at the time). As I got a little further into the relationship I realized I just didn't want to put myself back in that situation.


Makes sense. And way better to figure this stuff out now than after more time and/or a marriage!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry I didn't see this yesterday - it was busy at work. 

Do your kids have any friends that they used to really like but then they started liking different things so don't play together as much now? I also didn't want my daughter to think of relationships as disposable. She's met a few but I think the best analogy I could come up with that she understood at age 7 was about these twin girls she used to play with but then they always wanted to play Barbies while she wanted to play on the swingset. They liked enough of the same things to become friends at first but eventually after they got to know each other they stopped hanging out as often because both just liked doing certain things more than the other.

So kiddo understood that sometimes people drift apart and it doesn't mean one is bad or wrong. She would say she would be friends forever with some child and I pointed out that as people grow they sometimes change in a way that means you don't have as much in common anymore.

If the kids say something like "I wish we'd never met her" because of the hurt of losing someone special, emphasized some good things about having had that experience. Did she teach them a song, game or trick of some sort? We carry bits of our friends (and potential step parents in their case) in our hearts. You could say "we'll always remember her because she taught you how to do a cartwheel and she taught me how to braid your hair!" 

Peace to you.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Nice answer, Enjoli.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I've been seeing my gf for 18 months. At first the kids loved going there because she lives on the lake and had a very energetic 16 yr old that liked giving them attention (she was a single child). Fast forward from day 1 to now and the 16 yr old moved down the street to her grandparents house (my gf couldn't figure out how to control her as a single mom), the kids only go there with me maybe once a month and it's usually met with a groan by my boys who are 7 and 11. My 13 yr old girl though loves her and likes helping her cook. Due to "divorce negotiations" we can't spend the night anymore thanks to a morality clause.

Personally I'm kind of in the same boat. She wants to get married and I always said I had an open mind about it. But now with the way the divorce is worded (which gets signed tomorrow) I'd have to marry her and get the primary residence clause modified before I'd even be able to move the kids in with me at her place.

So, not sure if the kids would really be hurt at this point or not.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

CO, I'm in a similar position as you though, thankfully, I have not gone through the breakup. 

However, I do think about what I would do, what I would say, if we did. 

My kids really enjoy my girlfriend. I think this is a very sincere feeling on their part. But I also know that my kids love me very much and want me to be happy. This, I think, trumps their feelings for GF. 

You should answer any questions from the kids honestly and with respect to your former GF. They'll handle it just fine. 

The added sensitivity you feel is normal but is just you being overly concerned. Keep that in check so as to not settle on someone not right for you. 

You're ok and the kids will follow that lead. Probably not the same situation as the divorce.


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