# Relocation with child after divorce



## lunajane (May 5, 2016)

Hello. 

Long story short: we've been married for 13 years and have an 8 year old daughter. Five years ago we moved to FL from NC for his job, leaving behind all of our family. I've been a SAHM since then. 

Two weeks ago, he dropped the bomb. Doesn't love me anymore. Doesn't want to be married. Doesn't want counseling. Wants a divorce. I was blindsided. 

My big decision now is whether to move back to NC. He will not contest it. He wants me to do what will make me happy. 

*Pros*

1. All of our family is there. We will have their comfort and love in person while we start over. 

2. Husband will remain in contact via Skype, etc. She'll fly to FL to visit. It's not ideal, but he's never been a very involved dad anyway. He loves her very much, but will never have a traditional relationship with her. 

3. I love NC. The seasons, the people. I was always sad she would not grow up there around her family. Holidays are hard. Yesterday was her birthday, and I couldn't help but think of the big family party we could have for her next year. 

Cons:

1. The school year is almost over. Summer would be the perfect time to move. But my heart breaks at dropping both the divorce and the move on my daughter. 

2. I'm worried about how she'll adjust. She's so happy here with her school and her friends. 

3. Contact with her father won't be easy or frequent. Even though he's not father of the year, how will that affect her down the line?

I am truly torn over what to do. I want to do what's best for her in the long run. I'm just not sure what that is. North Carolina is MY home. Florida is hers. I'm very proud of the life I've made for her here. And we have wonderful friends here. We'd be okay. 

But today I thought "You built a life for once in a new state. You could do it again AND be surrounded by your family."

Thoughts? Stories about how you relocated with your children?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I would stay in FL for now. Not only because she will be able to see her Dad but she has adjusted with her school and friends and being told you two are divorcing and are moving will be quiet the bomb dropping on her. If you had said you needed your family for support during this time then it would be best for you to move. By the way who is she? He didn't just out of the blue fall out of love with you, he has someone on the side. Men don't leave their families to be alone.


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## lunajane (May 5, 2016)

I don't know who she is. She can have him. 

I just worry that I'll miss the chance now to make the move. And if he doesn't step up as a father, what then?


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## lunajane (May 5, 2016)

What if we break the divorce news first and then ease her into the move over the next few months?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Where is it going to be easier for you to find a job? Because unless he's making a lot and the alimony will be really high, I'm thinking that's a consideration.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

lunajane said:


> I don't know who she is. She can have him.
> 
> I just worry that I'll miss the chance now to make the move. And if he doesn't step up as a father, what then?


He may not step up but I say give him a chance. I just think it's a lot for your daughter to take in now. We are getting a divorce, moving from your school and friends and you won't be seeing your Dad very often. The one thing you don't want to hear from your daughter is it's your fault she doesn't get to see her Dad because you moved to NC. I say give it a year and by then you will know if her Dad is going to be involved. If he isn't and you feel you need more support then maybe move next Summer.


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## lunajane (May 5, 2016)

He does very well. I plan on asking for alimony while I go back to school to get my teaching certificate. I feel like that's fair. 

He's not home much now. He works a lot and goes out with his friends more than he's home. He sort of "drops in" on Saturdays and a couple of nights a week. I gave him a lot of space and freedom because his job is very stressful, and I didn't want to add to his stress. I asked him if I should have done the opposite. He said if I had, he probably would have left a lot sooner. 

He's been sitting on wanting to leave me for 2 1/2 years.


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## lunajane (May 5, 2016)

I do worry about her being angry with me for moving her away.


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## lunajane (May 5, 2016)

I know I sound emotionless. I assure you I am not. I am devastated. I love my husband. I don't want him to leave me. I never imagined my life without him in it. 

I just have so much to decide, and I feel like it has to be decided quickly because of the timing of his announcement.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I would stay in FL for now. Not only because she will be able to see her Dad but she has adjusted with her school and friends and being told you two are divorcing and are moving will be quiet the bomb dropping on her. If you had said you needed your family for support during this time then it would be best for you to move. By the way who is she? He didn't just out of the blue fall out of love with you, he has someone on the side. *Men don't leave their families to be alone*.



Not 100% correct..


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

From what I've read of your marriage, you've pretty much been living your life without him the whole time. A few hours during the week and a few more hours on Saturday...pfft! I'd call that dating, not marriage. I mean, I'd get it if he had to be away from home so much to work, but you've described a man who works and then lives the rest of his life like a single man with a cleaning lady, laundress, cook, and childcare provider at home.

Were I you, I'd tell your daughter now about the divorce, have your H move out, and wait. If he spends a decent amount of time with your daughter, consider staying. If he does not, if he's too busy with his frat boy lifestyle, then move back to NC. And by decent amount, I mean a few hours a couple nights a week and each weekend. Not the bullshyte half_assing he's been getting away with. He comes and picks her up, he keeps her overnight and cares for her needs while she's there, the whole nine. If he can't manage to do that, no reason not to move.

I divorced with 6 and 1 year old. My ExH is a real piece of work. He was also one of those guys that spent a LOT more time on his friends and hobbies that he ever did with the girls. When we first split, he'd show up to pick up the girls for the weekend. Within a few months, he was cancelling scheduled visits for <insert excuse here> and when he did actually show up he would bring the girls back early because he wanted to go f*ck around with his friends. The man couldn't be a father for a full 24 hours, much less 48. So, he just drifted along until it had been months since he'd seen the kids because I certainly wasn't going to call and harass him into being a father. The divorce was final in fall, by spring he was moving out of state. Good riddance.

So, yeah, give it a few months and see where you are at the end of summer.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That's a tough one for sure....

Family support is important for both you and your daughter.

Her father is important also even if he's not available much. It may look different once the custody agreement is laid out where he has her certain days.

In my opinion, the divorce will be a lot of change. I would wait on the move due to having some great friends/school in the area. 

See how dad does. If it doesn't look great, after a year, reevaluate and perhaps move to NC.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

lunajane said:


> I know I sound emotionless. I assure you I am not. I am devastated. I love my husband. I don't want him to leave me. I never imagined my life without him in it.


I have nothing specific to add, but just wanted to say that this literally has brought a tear to my eye. I know how you feel, and it doesn't get worse than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lunajane (May 5, 2016)

So, I told him I had decided to move at the end of the school year. I don't want to wait another year. Unfortunately, his timing is really crappy. If he had dropped this bomb on me in January, we could have broken the news to our daughter about the divorce and then eased her into the move. But he didn't. So I have to move fast in order to find a place to live, a job and a good school. And I know I'll feel better once I'm around all the love and support of my family.

He was laid off a week before he dropped the bomb. So that's making things difficult. He does have a couple of prospects on the horizon, but they are here.

He and I had a very, very good conversation last night. He told me that he understood and supported my decision to move back to NC. And since that was where our daughter was gonna be, that's where he wanted to be. Although he really doesn't want to leave FL, he will to be with her. I was quite surprised and filled with relief and joy. I wanted to hug him. FINALLY he's putting his daughter before himself. I think he's done a lot of soul searching in the past two weeks. I hope he's sincere. And I know dropping the divorce and a move on her will be so much easier if I can tell her that Daddy's coming, too.

But he still wants me to wait a year. I guess to get everything sorted here. And he's worried about having a long distance relationship for a year with her.

Solution? LOOK FOR SOMETHING IN NORTH CAROLINA! Duh.

I know I'm making this all move very fast. But I feel like this will be the easiest time to do it.

Am I making a mistake?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

No you are not. Move to where you have the love and support of your family. You need to work on this for yourself and your daughter. What he is wanting is for you to put your life on hold for another year. um, no. Do what you need to do for yourself and your daughter, now.


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## lunajane (May 5, 2016)

He and I keep having these really productive talks. We've pretty much discussed exactly how we'll handle the parenting agreement, child support, spousal support and the division of assets. We don't have anything in writing yet, and I don't think it makes sense to file any agreements until we both have jobs. We're going in on Monday to talk to an attorney about drawing up sort of a "gentleman's agreement" between us that we'll go by for spousal support and child support until we both are employed and have income to base it on.

He's agreed to move to the exact town in NC where I'll be so he can have visitation with our daughter. He doesn't want to do it. Really doesn't. He told me last night that he's "managing his anger" about having to do this.

I didn't say anything. I don't want to fight. We're getting along well about this, I don't want it to go south.

And I have guilt. Guilt about things I could have done better in our marriage. Guilt for making him move to close to his daughter. He was apparently very unhappy with me and just wanted out. Now he has to move where he doesn't want to go.

Yes, I know he sat on this for two years and didn't tell me he was thinking of leaving. No, he didn't give me a chance to work on it with him. No, I didn't emotionally abuse him or anything. I pretty much gave him free reign. Yes, I knew there were problems in the marriage, but I thought they were a result of his stress at work, and I thought we'd have time to work on them. 

So, yeah. I know his asking for a divorce wasn't my fault. He tells me it wasn't my fault.

Then why do I feel so guilty for making him uproot his whole life because I want to go home? I do want him to have a happy life, and I worry he won't if he's living somewhere he doesn't like.

I know. All of these feelings I'm having are messed up. Welcome to my world. I'm an emotional grab bag.


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## lunajane (May 5, 2016)

There's no indication whatsoever that he's having any kind of affair. Believe me, I've looked. My friends have looked. 

He denies it up and down. Not that that means anything.

I think he does want to find someone else, though.


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