# Dealing with divorce.



## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

Ok i will try to make the long story as short as i can, please excuse my english as it is not my primary language.

We married at the age of 20 after being together for 3 years. We where doing good until 2 years ago or at least i tought. We were married for almost 12 years and have 2 kids a 12 year old boy and a baby girl of 1.9 years. 

My wife asked me to leave on march this year after a year or so of being eengagd into a nasty fight and me being diagnosed with ddepression.I left march 13 on april 20 she asked for a divorce and i ask if there was somebody else she said no, before that i have heen telling we should come back and work on our issues. Finally i agreed to divorce at the end of April. In july 7th i found about the OM and she told me they have been together since may 15th which i believed but started getting suspicious about an EA and that being the real reason of the separation.
She have blamed this all on me saying i was manipulative and aggresive, she also told me she have years without loving me and that she doesnt love me anymore.

On august she posted her relation on Facebook and everybody knows already 
The om has 5 kids and left his wife after several affairs. During the first 6 monyhs i begged to fix things and i was left without nothing after i gave her everything we had without knowing about the affair and was a complete doormat during months.

Lately i changed im not a bad guy actually i still talk to her but stopped bbegging and chasing her so about a month ago she tell me out of the blue she doesnt think she love him, after that I received a message saying she cated a lot about me. Days after my older son graduation party and she to my house cause i moved to my mother house while i fix the fact that i lost/ gave everything to her, while here she starts crying and saying she miss my familyl at the party we had a good time and actually enjoyed as a family, two da after she calls and ask for help fixing a laptop so she comes again to my house and while fixing it she stayed by my side by 2 hrs with am ocassional jon sexual touch, then she told me again how much she misses my family. Finally she has been texting me lately over all things even just to tell me she is sick and yesterday she called me to help with the car, so i went with her and my kids to buy the part to fix the car, when coming back home we stopped at the super market and she tells me the om asked her to move with him i didnt say anything about it, she cries again when at the market and tell me she is confussed amd misses those little things we did together like going to the market together, so i threw the rock and asked her to fix things, her answer, i cant i dont love you anymore and o dont wanna hurt you, so she actually want o spend the rest of the day with me and bought lunch for me amd the kids, guys im desperate and confused please advise, btw she is still with the om and even thinking about moving as far as i know.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You must 180 and let her enjoy her new life with OM. Sure she will enjoy being step mom to his brood.

Be strong. Don't don't fix her computer, but if you do plant a key logger program that will allow you to know what is going on with their affair.

As soon as you start dating, your wife care more about the rocks that you throw.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She had chosen the OM already. You left. She kicked you out and got her new lover.

Why are you still talking or helping her? That's no longer your responsibility. That's her lover and her own responsibility.

Dont be so easily manipulated by her. You will better if you respect yourself.

As for your 1.9 years old baby girl, how sure she's yours? For your own peace of mind, you should get a DNA paternity test done.

Your life is going to be tumultuous. As long as you know who you are, have a healthy self-respect, you will come out of this big mess your (ex?) wife made.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You know that you are still young. Mid-30's?

Dont spend the rest of your life beaten. Your wife did not respect you. She had told you she did not love you for years. Why won't you believe that? Is not the fact she fvcked another man enough to show you that she's telling you the truth?

Let her go. Move on. Move on.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

Thanks in regards of 180 what exactly should i do, also her behavior the crying and the fact that she said she misses me but doesnt love me, that is kinda confusing for me. She acts like if she feel remorse at times so it confuses me.

Thanks for the replies i know i need to move on, but i would also like to explore R if possible as far as i know she has 8 probably more months with him and alread have her doubts.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

shes playing both side against the middle.

stop helping her and only do for your kids. 

don't fix her car.don't go shopping with her.don't even talk to her unless its has to do with the kids. work on your self . exercise,eat right and get some sleep. then start dating again.

in the long run you will be much happier. JMHO


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

jphealing said:


> Thanks in regards of 180 what exactly should i do, also her behavior the crying and the fact that she said she misses me but doesnt love me, that is kinda confusing for me. She acts like if she feel remorse at times so it confuses me.
> 
> Thanks for the replies i know i need to move on, but i would also like to explore R if possible as far as i know she has 8 probably more months with him and alread have her doubts.



Here's a link to the 180: 
The Healing Heart: The 180


When she tells you she doesn't love you, and is emphatic about it, why dont you want to believe it? The flaw lies in you.

She has shown you she does not love you.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

I'll translate that last paragraph for you..

"I fvcked up.. I fvcked up.. I fvcked up real big. I'm not sure about the options.. OM with 5 kids? Give me a break. My old man must remain at the side, always available.. Let's survey the scene a bit. Cry, cry, cry. Tell him I miss him, never use the "L" word.. Oh! Gotcha. He wants to fix it. Still. Haha! That also means he's not seeing anyone.. Cool. Go girl."


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

I understand that, what really confuses me is the fact she has nothing else to gain, while i was begging to her i let her keep everything we had, i also signed the divorce, she has nothing to gain, why she keep talking and looking for me? saying she misses me, i know a lot of you guys went thru this so your advise is greatly appreciated, in regards to DNA test i rather keep thinking she is mine as i love my baby girl, i know it might sound stupid but i love my baby girl.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> I'll translate that last paragraph for you..
> 
> "I fvcked up.. I fvcked up.. I fvcked up real big. I'm not sure about the options.. OM with 5 kids? Give me a break. My old man must remain at the side, always available.. Let's survey the scene a bit. Cry, cry, cry. Tell him I miss him, never use the "L" word.. Oh! Gotcha. He wants to fix it. Still. Haha! That also means he's not seeing anyone.. Cool. Go girl."


I know you are right, i guess im still trying to deny it.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

I actually dated a beatiful girl 8 years younger than me, it just didnt felt right and dumped her after 2 months, sometimes i regret it, i just dont think im ready at all.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

She has nothing to gain?

Good sir, please. I'll be blunt, sorry in advance, but she's banging someone else while you remain gung-ho to fix "it". OM with 5 kids? It'll be more if you keep up like this.

You need to show her that "it" is really gone. If you want to fix it, you must wake her up, but you'll never do THAT by pleas and begs and being a "nice guy".

See, you're available at her soonest convenience. That's the problem. You are a backup plan. She'll come telling "OK let's fix it" after getting bored of several OM's or whenever she feels like it otherwise.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> She has nothing to gain?
> 
> Good sir, please. I'll be blunt, sorry in advance, but she's banging someone else while you remain gung-ho to fix "it". OM with 5 kids? It'll be more if you keep up like this.
> 
> ...


I get your point, i guess i wanted to believe she was changing, and she was just fooling me and i fooled myself as well.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

So now I suggest you follow aug's link and implement the "180".

The most basic rule of 180 - As far as the kids are concerned, she's there. Talk to her, only about kids. Other than that, see her as a scarecrow and keep your distance.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> So now I suggest you follow aug's link and implement the "180".
> 
> The most basic rule of 180 - As far as the kids are concerned, she's there. Talk to her, only about kids. Other than that, see her as a scarecrow and keep your distance.


I just went thru the 180 post, so stay away and get myself better, i think can definetely do it, thank you all for the advise.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

JP
You caved in early spring. You gave her everything. You jump at her beck and call. No offense but apparently she sees you as nothing more than a good 'girlfriend' she can talk to. 

Next, she'll be asking you for advice on how to make things better with her lover. 

WTF.... be cordial but be firm. The marriage is over. She's done with you. You're done with her. Next time she calls with a problem tell her you don't have time - and she should look to her lover from now on. 

Oh, see a lawyer about her planned move. You don't want her moving to another country or state without at least your knowledge if not approval. Stiffen you spine.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> JP
> You caved in early spring. You gave her everything. You jump at her beck and call. No offense but apparently she sees you as nothing more than a good 'girlfriend' she can talk to.
> 
> Next, she'll be asking you for advice on how to make things better with her lover.
> ...


We are in Costa Rica, so by law she cannot move my kids without my signature. 

In regards of being her girlfriend, she have told me once she see me as her best friend so i guess you are right on that one as well.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The longer you keep helping her, the more she will use you. She made a choice to be with the OM and still wants to use you for what she needs and once you help her she continues to push you aside until something else needs fixed or she needs help. 

My advice is this. when she calls for you to help her, let her know that she made the choice to be with the OM and now she has to live with it. Be there for your children only. She's a big girl and it's about time she finds her own way and as long as you let her, the more she will hurt you. She's being very selfish and it's a habit you need to break her of.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

6301 said:


> The longer you keep helping her, the more she will use you. She made a choice to be with the OM and still wants to use you for what she needs and once you help her she continues to push you aside until something else needs fixed or she needs help.
> 
> My advice is this. when she calls for you to help her, let her know that she made the choice to be with the OM and now she has to live with it. Be there for your children only. She's a big girl and it's about time she finds her own way and as long as you let her, the more she will hurt you. She's being very selfish and it's a habit you need to break her of.


Thanks for the advise, actually today is the first day of my 180, hopefully it will work and either fix this mess or at least help me regain my sanity.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

JP

You do not need your lying, cheating, confused Ex as your friend.

You can have much better friends than her.

Let Her Go.

But do not let her move with your kids.

Just let her go with the OM and be miserable.

She deserves it.

HM


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> JP
> 
> You do not need your lying, cheating, confused Ex as your friend.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advise, unfortunately by costarrican laws the mother have full custody unless she really screw up altough my older kid told her if she moves with him, he will move with me


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

jphealing said:


> Thanks for the advise, unfortunately by costarrican laws the mother have full custody unless she really screw up altough my older kid told her if she moves with him, he will move with me


Good kid.

Like I said. Let her go and move with the OM.

It will work out for you and the kids.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Good kid.
> 
> Like I said. Let her go and move with the OM.
> 
> It will work out for you and the kids.


I told her actually since day one to move with him, but come on guys she is eating the cake, not interested into moving with him, who wants to move to be the step mom of 5 kids, that spends all his money on child support and paying his loans, and if she does i wish her good luck.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

She just tried, to start chit chating by sms again today its just my 3rd day doing 180, and i just told her to stop the chit chat as the only thing we were supposed tk talk about was about our kids, was that ok? Or am i supposed to just leave it unanswered


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

I think you did good establishing the boundary, but from now on just don't respond to texts from her unless it's about the kids. Even then she'll try to attach personal questions and complaints to messages about kids. Answer only the questions that directly involve kids. 

You must do this even after she starts to talk about how much she misses you. Don't give in. She'll do anything to keep you on the hook as plan b. 

Frankly I'd just do your best to move on. But you're still emotionally attached to her, so part of you is still hoping to save the marriage. You have to ignore her fishing until she shows up at your door begging you to take her back. No responding to texts from her "I'm thinking about you" posts or "I miss what I have" 

Unless she comes to you saying "I wanna fix our marriage and am willing to do anything to do it" you have no hope. Don't accept any conditions from her.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Better for you to get into the frame of mind to ignore her text. Only deal with her if it is about your children with an emergency.

Practice, practice. Eventually you will get detached enough that her incoming texts do not bother you anymore. By then you will have achieve peace and can move on to a better relationship with a better woman.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

LostAndContent said:


> I think you did good establishing the boundary, but from now on just don't respond to texts from her unless it's about the kids. Even then she'll try to attach personal questions and complaints to messages about kids. Answer only the questions that directly involve kids.
> 
> You must do this even after she starts to talk about how much she misses you. Don't give in. She'll do anything to keep you on the hook as plan b.
> 
> ...



I agree. 

But the question remains. Why even take her back now that you know she can so easily cheat on you? And with a neighborhood male dog with 5 kids. Where her self-respect in that? Where's your self-respect if you can so lower yourself to take her back?


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

LostAndContent said:


> I think you did good establishing the boundary, but from now on just don't respond to texts from her unless it's about the kids. Even then she'll try to attach personal questions and complaints to messages about kids. Answer only the questions that directly involve kids.
> 
> You must do this even after she starts to talk about how much she misses you. Don't give in. She'll do anything to keep you on the hook as plan b.
> 
> ...


That is the approach im trying to stablish only talk to her about our kids no more favors or chit chat, as you stated since i didnt said anything else she has been trying to talk about the kids but mostly nonsense so i wont reply


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

aug said:


> I agree.
> 
> But the question remains. Why even take her back now that you know she can so easily cheat on you? And with a neighborhood male dog with 5 kids. Where her self-respect in that? Where's your self-respect if you can so lower yourself to take her back?


aug i see your point and also the point of a lot of people in the forum.

The thing is thet i kmow her since we were 17 years old and since then to march this year she was a great girl, always taking care of the kids and a loving and caring wife, since that happened she not only changed with my but with the kids as well staryed al the WS talk about always caring about everybody but her, about not loving me for years, even when she told me a couple days before splitting how much she loved me, and blaming all the failure on me, so since she was never like this in her life, i still have a gilmpse of hope that when she opens her eyes or the "fog" lifts she will be back to normal + the addition of the lessons learned by being with a douche.

I really dont know if its just me fooling myself or not and that is the reason of why performing a 180 is so important for me, cause even if she doesnt come back or doesnt come back as expected at least it will help me recover.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She's not that person anymore. And cannot be again. That is the new reality.

Our experience and past define who we are. Her affair, unfortunately, has forever changed her.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

aug said:


> She's not that person anymore. And cannot be again. That is the new reality.
> 
> Our experience and past define who we are. Her affair, unfortunately, has forever changed her.


I have been thinking about that as well, amd sometimes i believe you are right 

But i also see a glimpse of who she was at times i will proceed with 180 amd of that doesnt works well, move on, in the meanwhile i dont close the door to a new relation either.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

I found out she cheated before twice in the past 3 years and the OM is having sleepovers at my house already, i guess this will hurt a lot but its time to move on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

That sucks. But at least you know.

That is why she says she has not loved you for awhile now. because she has been giving that love away.

Now you really are seeing who she is and has been for awhile.

Take care of you.

HM


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> That sucks. But at least you know.
> 
> That is why she says she has not loved you for awhile now. because she has been giving that love away.
> 
> ...


Yes it sucks but im gonna go dark completly, blocked her from Facebook, changed my phone number and removed her from any messanging system, dude i confronted her and she told me about the 2 other guys and excused herself saying she did it only once with each guy, and my mother in law today called me and told me she loved me dearly to move on as she was really pissed with her behaviour and the guy was sleeping every now and then at her appartment, it sucks but it doesnt hurt as much as it did before, this was actually a wake up call, and made me realize today the type of person she became, she lost like 20 pds is full of bruises, sometimes look like a crack addict, she lost her job and she spend the 16000 dollar severance already most likely in the douche, i guess they both deserve each other. I hope the fog lifts so that when she come back crying i can tell her to go and fvck herself, starting today im only worrying about my kids and myself.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

I also know as per my mother in law the douche asked her to move with him last week, well just after he took a 4000000 colones loan, the guy couldnt even afford an appartment with his brother before the loan as he spend all his money in child support on his 5 kids and live with his parents and then conveniently ask her to move with him, they are both *********s and definetly deserve each other, i know when she realize what she did, she will come crawling by then and actually today i will and i am long gone


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She is playing you like a fiddle------she knows how to manipulate you big time

She is keeping you on the string---just in case her A blows up, and she is left on her own----she does not want to be left on her own---you are her backup---so she keeps you interested

Your wife is one nasty person---she also is not the same person you married---she is now one very evil woman---who thinks nothing of twisting you, any way she wants

No 180---you need to go DARK on her---deal with her, only in re: kids, and necessities---otherwise----you need to delete her

You also need to rebuild your self respect, cuz as of now you have none


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

jnj express said:


> She is playing you like a fiddle------she knows how to manipulate you big time
> 
> She is keeping you on the string---just in case her A blows up, and she is left on her own----she does not want to be left on her own---you are her backup---so she keeps you interested
> 
> ...


I agree with you i was doing 180 after today im going dark, and completly agree with self respect, but i know that by going dark i will recover some of it.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

And i dont even need to deal with her for my kids as my mom can take a message or i can deal with her mom, im going dark completly, amd hope she do well with mr dovchebag, they belong to each other, when thay are completly pennieless i will just be sitting here with a nice woman laughing at their stupidity


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

jphealing said:


> And i dont even need to deal with her for my kids as my mom can take a message or i can deal with her mom, im going dark completly, amd hope she do well with mr dovchebag, they belong to each other, when thay are completly pennieless i will just be sitting here with a nice woman laughing at their stupidity


This is the spirit you need.

You need to move on. Now you see the type of woman you married.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

aug said:


> This is the spirit you need.
> 
> You need to move on. Now you see the type of woman you married.


Unfortunately i see it now, the good part is thay i know i can fall in love with somebody else and im a good man, somebody else will appreaciate that.

any hints on how to recover fast or at least help during the process?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

jphealing said:


> any hints on how to recover fast or at least help during the process?


The 180.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> The 180.


I wanna go Dark so i guess i can combine them?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. â€” Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists

Read that, do the exercises, move on, from this train wreck, and from victimhood.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. — Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists
> 
> Read that, do the exercises, move on, from this train wreck, and from victimhood.


Thank you i will read it right away, as i need to move on asap


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jphealing said:


> I wanna go Dark so i guess i can combine them?


Yes combine them. There will be times when you do need to talk with her... like at school functions with your children. So when those few times come up, interact with her per the 180.

If you need to make arrangements, do it via email and/or text... and just stick to the business of raising your children.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yes combine them. There will be times when you do need to talk with her... like at school functions with your children. So when those few times come up, interact with her per the 180.
> 
> If you need to make arrangements, do it via email and/or text... and just stick to the business of raising your children.


You are right so today i started my blackout, hopefully it will all be fine.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

I can tell you Karma is very real.

Since she left me she got so thin she already looks bad after being a gorgois women, she is full of bruises in her arms, became an alcoholic that drinks over 2 times a week, she lost her amazin job as sales manager where she worked with douche, she moced moved to a crappy call center job where she doesnt earn not even half of what she did, she received 16500 dollar severance and believe me that is a lot in Costa Rica, she already have only 4000 and only god knows where is all that money, sad face all day plus outbursts of crying as per my ex mother in law posible sign pf depression, douche with 5 kids and according to my mother in law doesnt even bring a soda when arriving her home, the guy sleeps there 4 days a week but the funny part is she arrives late leave early, "cake eating" so i guess she was supposed to be happier as she left me for that and everyday i see her getting worst i guess Karma does exist, any other Karma stories?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

jphealing said:


> I can tell you Karma is very real.
> 
> Since she left me she got so thin she already looks bad after being a gorgois women, she is full of bruises in her arms, became an alcoholic that drinks over 2 times a week, she lost her amazin job as sales manager where she worked with douche, she moced moved to a crappy call center job where she doesnt earn not even half of what she did, she received 16500 dollar severance and believe me that is a lot in Costa Rica, she already have only 4000 and only god knows where is all that money, sad face all day plus outbursts of crying as per my ex mother in law posible sign pf depression, douche with 5 kids and according to my mother in law doesnt even bring a soda when arriving her home, the guy sleeps there 4 days a week but the funny part is she arrives late leave early, "cake eating" so i guess she was supposed to be happier as she left me for that and everyday i see her getting worst i guess Karma does exist, any other Karma stories?



She's paying these prices in health (physically and mentally) and financially because that's what she wants.

She is a serial cheater like her lover she is with now. She and her lover understands each other and have that emotional connection. That's why she does not mind the price she's paying.

Looking back, you should note that she never paid that type of a price for you, her husband and father of her children.

Now that you know she has shown you who her true person is, you should feel lucky she showed it now rather than 10 or 20 years later. You are still young.

Use this experience. Learn from it. 

Go out. Enjoy life. Date women. In time you will feel very lucky.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She is keeping you by her side as to make sure that if it docent work out with OM, she can back to you.

Do a paternity test of your last child. She seems to be a serial cheater.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She is keeping you by her side as to make sure that if it docent work out with OM, she can back to you.

Do a paternity test of your last child. She seems to be a serial cheater.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> She is keeping you by her side as to make sure that if it docent work out with OM, she can back to you.
> 
> *Do a paternity test of your last child. She seems to be a serial cheater.*


That's a good idea. Since she had several affairs the last 3 years and the child is 1.9 years old, it's well within the time frame that you need to doubt if you are the father.

A paternity test of the child is cheap and will provide you with certainty.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

aug said:


> She's paying these prices in health (physically and mentally) and financially because that's what she wants.
> 
> She is a serial cheater like her lover she is with now. She and her lover understands each other and have that emotional connection. That's why she does not mind the price she's paying.
> 
> ...


 I have my 1st day dark and feels good cause yesterday she tried to chit chat again i just replied with a we are done and changed my phone number today, I feel good and i will go out today with my friend, hopefully will have a good time. Thanks for the advise, as you said im young just turned 32 in october and i los 53 pounds by going to the gym so i know i will do good.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

aug said:


> That's a good idea. Since she had several affairs the last 3 years and the child is 1.9 years old, it's well within the time frame that you need to doubt if you are the father.
> 
> A paternity test of the child is cheap and will provide you with certainty.


 I really love my baby and i will not go thru a paternity test as i rather keep her by my side, she already call me daddy if she is not mine biologically i will keep her mine emotionally. But anyway thanks for the advise, i just believe my baby girl doesnt need to pay anything just because her mom is an *******.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> She is keeping you by her side as to make sure that if it docent work out with OM, she can back to you.
> 
> Do a paternity test of your last child. She seems to be a serial cheater.


Thanks for the advise, being the backup is no longer an option as i wont go thru that.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

JP
Stop asking questions about her. Going dark means not checking on her current activities or whereabouts. 

If you have to speak to her mom and she begins to gossip about her daughter just tell her you appreciate her concern but to please not discuss her in any way with you for the time being.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> JP
> Stop asking questions about her. Going dark means not checking on her current activities or whereabouts.
> 
> If you have to speak to her mom and she begins to gossip about her daughter just tell her you appreciate her concern but to please not discuss her in any way with you for the time being.


Thanks for the advise, i understand that i actually started the going dark just yesterday and talked to my mother in law in regards all i will speak to her is about my kids, she agreed, so i just need to stay strong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jphealing said:


> I really love my baby and i will not go thru a paternity test as i rather keep her by my side, she already call me daddy if she is not mine biologically i will keep her mine emotionally. But anyway thanks for the advise, i just believe my baby girl doesnt need to pay anything just because her mom is an *******.


I understand exactly how you feel about your baby girl. You sounds like a good father.

If you had a paternity test no one needs to know the outcome but you. They are cheap and available at the drug store and on line.

In most places, you would still be her legal father no matter who the bio dad is because you were married to her mother when she was born.

Since you would want to be her real father no matter what biology is, there is a good reason to know the truth. 

One is medical... be of course this sort of test can be done at any time if/when a medical need comes up.

The other reason is truth. A person often finds out at some time in their life when their have been lied to about their paternity. The earlier a child is told the truth, the better for the child. When a person finds this out in their teens or later it's very disruptive to their life. This is especially true in their teens and twenties.

I have an adopted son. We adopted him when he was 10 days old. I did a lot of reading on the top. All research points to the fact that the truth is very important on this issue. So I taught him from the start that he's adopted. There are even very good children's books that help teach this to a child.

I know this is premature as she is most likely your bio child. I just wanted to give you more to contemplate on the topic.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

jphealing said:


> I can tell you Karma is very real.
> 
> Since she left me she got so thin she already looks bad after being a gorgois women, she is full of bruises in her arms, became an alcoholic that drinks over 2 times a week, she lost her amazin job as sales manager where she worked with douche, she moced moved to a crappy call center job where she doesnt earn not even half of what she did, she received 16500 dollar severance and believe me that is a lot in Costa Rica, she already have only 4000 and only god knows where is all that money, sad face all day plus outbursts of crying as per my ex mother in law posible sign pf depression, douche with 5 kids and according to my mother in law doesnt even bring a soda when arriving her home, the guy sleeps there 4 days a week but the funny part is she arrives late leave early, "cake eating" so i guess she was supposed to be happier as she left me for that and everyday i see her getting worst i guess Karma does exist, any other Karma stories?


The bruises are from drugs ?


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I understand exactly how you feel about your baby girl. You sounds like a good father.
> 
> If you had a paternity test no one needs to know the outcome but you. They are cheap and available at the drug store and on line.
> 
> ...


Thank you, i also want to avoid myself any further pain and maybe in the near future after going dark helps i will have the gut to do it.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> The bruises are from drugs ?


I really dont think so to be honest, she didnt use any drug in the past, currently became a heavy drinker and almost all days i have the kids she is drinking, it has cross my mind that she might have anemia as she is really thin my older kid says she almost doesnt eat.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you protected yourself financially ?

There is something you must be able to do with regards to OM spending at your home with your kids...

Some of these scumbags target the kids too. I don't know anything about your wife or OM but you should consider the safety of your kids. Your wife can no longer be trusted to make good decisions or being good men around them.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Have you protected yourself financially ?
> 
> There is something you must be able to do with regards to OM spending at your home with your kids...
> 
> Some of these scumbags target the kids too. I don't know anything about your wife or OM but you should consider the safety of your kids. Your wife can no longer be trusted to make good decisions or being good men around them.


I understand that unfortunatelly costarrican family law is very protective with women, we men are almost always screwed, so right kmow all i was doing was fighting with her about which i can no longer do, i talked to my older kid he is 12 and was very clear to him about taking care of himself and also his baby sister, hopefully nothing happen as not much can be done from my, there has actually been strikes in costa rica for men to have our rights respected by the family law.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

Today is my 2nd day going dark, it feels like i quit smoking,lots of anxiety also she had an outburst of rage with my mom and her mom cause they wont give her my new phone number, i really hope this gets better.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jphealing said:


> Today is my 2nd day going dark, it feels like i quit smoking,lots of anxiety also she had an outburst of rage with my mom and her mom cause they wont give her my new phone number, i really hope this gets better.


Beware the loyalty her mom is showing right now because, dollars to donuts, it won't last. Prepare to have your number changed again in the very near future.

Very near.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

3putt said:


> Beware the loyalty her mom is showing right now because, dollars to donuts, it won't last. Prepare to have your number changed again in the very near future.
> 
> Very near.


I know that, but unfortunately she is my point of contact for my kids due to the fact i went completly dark not even talking to her about the kids.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jphealing said:


> I know that, but unfortunately she is my point of contact for my kids due to the fact i went completly dark not even talking to her about the kids.


Do you have someone that's completely neutral you could use as an intermediary for exchanging this sort of info? That's the best way to do it, and it only involves email communication, no face to face.

Go ahead and use your MIL for now since you're there, but if I were you I would be lining someone else up pronto.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

3putt said:


> Do you have someone that's completely neutral you could use as an intermediary for exchanging this sort of info? That's the best way to do it, and it only involves email communication, no face to face.
> 
> Go ahead and use your MIL for now since you're there, but if I were you I would be lining someone else up pronto.


I will try to find somebody, and follow your advise


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why are you going dark even with matters about your children?

I think that this is a bad idea. She can refuse to deal with you through a 3rd party. Where does that leave you?

you have use text and email for issues dealing with the children. That way you have control over when you reply and what you reply to.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Why are you going dark even with matters about your children?
> 
> I think that this is a bad idea. She can refuse to deal with you through a 3rd party. Where does that leave you?
> 
> you have use text and email for issues dealing with the children. That way you have control over when you reply and what you reply to.



I will follow the advise and see how it works by email. THANKS


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why are you going dark even with matters about your children?
> 
> I think that this is a bad idea. She can refuse to deal with you through a 3rd party. Where does that leave you?
> 
> you have use text and email for issues dealing with the children. That way you have control over when you reply and what you reply to.


So, you have the MB Plan B in your sig, then completely go against the concepts of Plan B in your advice to this poster, which also goes against going completely deep and dark as most people have recommended here under the circumstances.

Which one do actually believe in, Ele? This seems awfully contradictory to me. This poor guy must not know what to think at this point.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jphealing is divorced. He is not trying to recover his marriage. He’s trying to remove the drama from his life so that he can move on. This is about him creating a long term solution to avoiding the drama while being to effectively co-parent with his ex.

If he uses email to communicate with her it serves a few purposes. He can respond on his own timeline. He can chose to only respond to the things that are important and to ignore any drama she brings up. The ex-cannot play games such as, “You did not talk to me about it.” Plus he has a record of everything discussed. 

I did this during my divorce. I used only email to communicate about our son with my ex. It enabled me to say what I needed to say, do the planning that was needed and it removed the drama. When my ex tried to use email to stir up drama, all I had to do was ignore the drama and only respond to things like my son’s schedule, medical issues, etc. 

======== ======== ======== ======== 

I am not sure why you think that Plan A & Plan B have anything to do with JP. Plan A & B have to steps that aid in recovering a marriage when adultery occurs. He’s not looking to recover his marriage. 

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. However, when there are children it is very hard to avoid all contact, it’s usually impossible. 

In Plan B, a 3rd party can be used for communicating about children, visitation, etc. However, both parties have to agree to this and it’s a burden on the 3rd party. Using a 3rd party can also cause problems when they have strong connection (like a MIL) to one parent over the other.

Email is another way to communicate that takes away the access that WS has to the BS as the BS has complete control over what is discussed and when he/she replies.

Thus, even If the Jp were trying to use Plan B to get his ex to end her affair and agree to R, the use of email makes sense.


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## jphealing (Nov 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Jphealing is divorced. He is not trying to recover his marriage. He’s trying to remove the drama from his life so that he can move on. This is about him creating a long term solution to avoiding the drama while being to effectively co-parent with his ex.
> 
> If he uses email to communicate with her it serves a few purposes. He can respond on his own timeline. He can chose to only respond to the things that are important and to ignore any drama she brings up. The ex-cannot play games such as, “You did not talk to me about it.” Plus he has a record of everything discussed.
> 
> ...



I think i will stick to email, the problem with her is that i trie several times to establish boundaries and nothing seems to work, i was dealing with my mother in law by phone about my kids yesterday she took my MIL phone and got my number called me and i didnt pick, sent me 20 Sms telling me it was urgent, i finally picked up and started lying about my baby girl being sick which i know was a lie, and then tried to switch subjects, angry enough i pushed boundaries again and told i dont have anything to do or talk with her, i dont know what else to do as i dont have anybody but my MIL for kid contact and she seem to always find a way, altough yesterday i was so pissed she stopped bothering after talking to me.


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