# Separated, husband wants divorce but won't file



## moonstars

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and separated for 3 months.
We are in different states and are thousands of miles apart. We rarely contact each other now.

Our relationship has always been volatile. Everytime we argue he'd tell me he was forced to get married and would threaten divorce. It got too much for me one day and I said 'fine we'll file', and we separated.

I have spoken to him a few times since. He'd get mad at me everytime and says he doesn't have any feelings left whatsoever and there is no way he wants to try again.
But when I ask him about filing, he'd say he is too busy and doesn't have time to do it.

We don't have kids or own any assets together. There is nothing we need to split, so divorce should be straight forward.

After all these threats of divorce, why is it that he's not filing?

Is this going to be in the limbo unless I file... which I don't want to do?


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## InAPickle

Just an opinion here, but my first thought is that he doesn't want to have to pay for it. 

It could also be that he's focusing on your "fine, we file" comment (and doesn't really think about all of the times he threatened it), so he figures that if you want it, you should be the one to do it.

I vote for number one.

Are you in individual counseling? I'd talk to someone and try to sort some of this out before filing, if it were me. It's a big enough step to take when you ARE totally sure, so when you're not, it's huge and, in my opinion, prematurely risky.

Hang in there. It does get easier.


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## moonstars

Thank you so much for your reply InAPickle.

What you said is true, he is now saying he never threatened and I was the one who wanted out. Somehow we've always had this memory issue --- big part of our argument was that he won't remember at all of what he said.

It seems like he hasn't even looked into what's involved in divorce procedure like the cost etc... as if he's avoiding the hassles for now. I might add that he hates doing any sort of paperwork.

I've been having marriage counseling, and the counselor tells me to not file for now and keep the communication going, without any relationship talk.
But the few times we spoke my husband was livid and wants nothing to do with me ever again, demonizing me and calls me crazy.

Since we are so far apart I feel there is not much more I can do... makes me wonder how long am I in this for? :-(


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## swedish

moonstars said:


> Everytime we argue he'd tell me he was forced to get married and would threaten divorce.


What does he mean by 'forced to get married'?


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## moonstars

Thanks Swedish for reading my thread.

He felt it was too early to get married. He never told me at that time because he thought it'll 'make him happy'.

We are both in our 30s and we dated for a few years before getting married.
Most of his mates are much younger than him, in mid 20s and single. He acts much younger than his age.


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## swedish

I see. Not so forced afterall...just a way for him to place blame on someone other than himself for not being happy within the marriage.

If he is living far away and has no interest in working on the marriage your choices seem to be to either remain in this limbo state or move on by filing yourself. I would absolutely recommend marriage counseling and working together on the issues but if he has already moved on (mentally and physcially) letting this drag on just seems like self-torture.

What is holding you back?


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## moonstars

What's holding me back is the slightest hope to work it out... although livid, he wants to keep being a friend and also the fact that my MC said him being too busy to file is an excuse and to try for a bit more.
So I thought since it's a marriage I'll give it as much effort as possible.

Although... I'm starting to have second thoughts.
He's blaming me for everything and is demonizing me, rewriting our marriage history (that I was awful in every way) which is making me resent him.

I just feel that if I file I will regret it.
But like you said, limbo feels like self-torture.

Thank you again for your reply Swedish.


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## scarletblue

Your situation is a bit more complicated than it seems on the surface. You don't seem to want to divorce him. You want to work things out with him? My question is, if he's always like this, are you expecting him to change? From what you've written, he's not implying that he's going to at all.

Personally, I don't like having regrets. I'd put myself into the marriage all the way. Give it a timeline so see where that goes. If it doesn't work out, file. Don't wait for him to do it. File yourself so you are not in a constant state of limbo/morning, and move on so you can each find happiness.


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## moonstars

Thank you for your reply scarletblue.

No I don't want to get divorced... but when I think back, I wasn't happy with him and I feel it might be for the best if we go separate ways. When we were together he didn't want to work things out, he avoided any issues and told me to just be happy as if putting a lid on it.
I thought I'm moving on perfectly fine... then I remember the good things about him and I swing.

I might give it a year and see what happens.
I hate this roller coaster. :-(


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## swedish

That's not a bad idea...if you give it a year, at least there is an end to this if he doesn't change his stance, but I guess one never knows, maybe he will grow up a bit in the meantime. Without knowing anything about him, just the little you have written, he sounds like he is too self-centered and immature for marriage (ie not ready for a give-take partnership)


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## moonstars

Dear swedish, I'm afraid you might be right, he's probably too immature for marriage.
He has unrealistic expectation of a relationship, thinks it should be an eternal bliss, that there must be princess charming somewhere. If not walk away in search of the princess.
It's difficult to tell him it's not always like that, especially when he hasn't had any other serious relationships.

I'm guilty of being inpatient and too emotional... which is another reason I don't want to file.

He has bad mouthed me to everyone around with his biased story...leaving his bits out. His mates are fuelling him on to leave me.


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## turnera

Why are you in different states?


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## scarletblue

He's talking crap about you to everyone.....why would he do that if he wants to be with you? Just asking.


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## whattodo17

Moon-My situation was somewhat similar to yours. My husband told me it was over and then after he finally moved out(4 months after he said it was over) never filed for divorce or mentioned drawing up papers until he was angry at me. I finally was the one who filed(well I filed custody papers but will also be separation papers). Like someone told me, because I also held out hope. I would cry and cry because I also held out that sliver of hope since he never filed anything but who knows what his thinking really is. You have to do what's best for you and sitting around wondering and hoping will do no good. I wasn't happy in my marriage either honestly but when he told me it was over it killed me. It still kills me, but I am putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward the best I can.

Good luck to you . At least if you file first you will feel like at least one aspect you CAN control.


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## 827Aug

Your husband sounds so immature; be thankful you don't have children together. I really don't see him gaining any maturity either--not when he is hanging out with the 20 something year olds.


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## moonstars

Thank you everyone for your replies and your kindness.

turnera:
We lived in another state then his job transferred him to where he is now. We were supposed to move there together after we spend some time with my family in my state.
We had a massive row in the midst of our packing as he didn't pitch in much at all, had another row staying with my family and that was the last straw.
He went on to the new place and I stayed back with my family.
He's mad at me for being so livid about him going out with mates while packing, telling me that I'm not flexible.

scarletblue:
I noticed that he does this with everyone... he whinged about pretty much anyone to me, and about me to others.
It's almost like as if he's a b!tchy high school girl... venting out to everyone about everyone.
But no one knew him enough to see this first hand, so people seemed to sympathize with him not knowing he's been bad mouthing about them at one stage or another.

whattodo17:
That's true, if I file at least I have a bit of control... he used to procrastinate a lot so I'm wondering if he'll respond properly and I might have to hire someone.
I should've known this in a way, he used to delay or ignore lots of stuff he hated doing (paperwork, bills, tax)

827Aug:
I know... what is this, when he's almost 40?
I mean all these young guys will grow older and he can't be a peter pan forever!


I think what's so hard is that I remember the good things about him, he can be so sweet and we have had good times as well.
I don't want to hate anyone but it's so much easier to let the resentment build to move on.


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## 827Aug

Oh, believe me, some guys can spend a lifetime being immature. Those younger friends will eventually marry and move on. At that point, someone like your husband just finds another batch of young people to hang out with. It can be fascinating to watch, but a pain to live with!

Hope everything works out for you.


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