# Advice please it feel like I was wrong. Was I?



## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

Hello all this is my 2nd post, my 1st was to long I think No one gave me any advice so i'm going to try and make this as short as possible. 

I was in a 8 year relationship we have a 10 year old and a 5 month old I'm 30 and he is 32. I dealt with abuse in all ways an abuser can give. I dealt with it because I wanted to keep my family together I have been excussed of being with any man in my presents I had to let him no my ever move when I was doing it and before I did it... or it would had been something. when we start dating we both had someone so I don't know if that's why we were having all this trust issues. Our 1st was questioned due to being in a some what relation before ours and he was too. So in the beginning he wasn't in the picture I was with my ex for the 1st two years and when our daughter turned two he came into our lives. 

Make a long story short about a week ago I was having phone issue and I couldn't get any calls for about 30 minutes and he had tried calling me around that time.. so he thought I was doing something.. even though I had my 10 year old with me and was on the way to pick the baby up... when he did get thru he questioned me I told him the issue with the phone he then questioned our 10 year old she told him the same thing I told him.. he called her a liar told her she is starting to lie just like her mother then told her to put that ***** back on the phone which was me then he told me us muther ****ers be lying and how he hate me... etc... calling me and my daughter a muther ****er.. I was really up set... so I asked him to leave my house... (mind you he was living with me but he also had his own apartment which I had no key to etc.. he had a key to mine)... any how.. the apartment I was living in I couldn't afford to stay there.. I was going to move out by the 1st of july. I found somewhere to go and I picked all my stuff and hired movers and moved out the next day... (he never help me with bills or anything because he had to pay his rent and car note ect)

Now he is very upset with me he will not talk to me... he hates me.. I feel so bad like I gave up to easy even though I have been going thru this for 8 years with break ups here and there.. It hurts really bad because I feel like I took my daughters dad away.. I really feel bad for the baby because she doesn't no her daddy like my oldest do... 

Was I wrong? Should I have tried to do things different... I'm so hurt... 

He told me if he got his stuff and we broke up.. he would never have anything else to do with me...


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Leave him and don't look back.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Yeah, what Blue Moon said. Get away - far, far away - from this guy. I don't know why you have not had sense enough to do that by now. You say it is for your children but it is not because your children will be better off without a father who curses them, calls their mother names, and calls them names. This is not acceptable behavior from a partner and father. Save yourself and save your children. It the very best thing you can do for them. I don't know what country you live in, but is there no child support in the court system? Why haven't you made him help you with the finances and cost associated with raising children? Stop being his doormat. Stop allowing him to use you. Stop putting up with his abuse. Get away from him and take him to court for child support.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please get help. You are dooming your children to lives with or as abusers by staying with someone like this. He does not love you, he needs the power he has over you. Who knows why he needs it, but he will not get better without intensive therapy, and people like him generally do not think they have a problem and will refuse to get help. 

It does not matter how wonderful he is when he is NOT being abusive, so do not let that dissuade you. He cannot be "just" the good side of himself; it exists b/c he needs it to keep you under control.

You need counseling to develop self-esteem and a sense of what a healthy relationship looks like. If you have been independent (financially) for so long, you may find it easier than dependent women. But please, for your sake, and your kids, start now. It will be worth every dime--look for low cost programs, but borrow the money if you must. You will be at extremely high risk of falling for a similar man and sooner or later, such people become dangerously violent. There is no man worth your life or the lives of your kids.

Oh, yeah, and I second the idea of getting child support. There is no excuse for him to abandon his financial responsibility for his kids. If you can prove abuse, you can get support but also make sure he has only supervised visits with the kids. You do not want to give him a chance to snatch the kids as retribution for you standing up for yourself. Good luck.


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

Thank you all for your advice. I'm looking into getting child support now. I'm also looking for therapy for me and my oldest daughter.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

But are you getting away from him?


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

O yes, Me and My girls has moved out of the apartment I had and he had keys to. I'm praying hard for me to move forward and never look back. We have broke up a coupld of times before and we always found I selves back together. Before we broke up we both told ourselves and each other that if this round didn't work we would not ever get back together. I tried calling him a couple of times just to talk to him and let him no why I did what I did but he wont talk to me he said he hates me and he is going to move on and build another familly based on I broke this one up. I'm not going to call him anymore I just felt so bad for taking away the girls I really wanted us to be a familly and raise them like my mom and dad did and they are still together they have been married over 30 years now. I guess it's time for me to face it that me and him wasn't meant to be. I don't know why and how I could still want to be with someone who has treated me so bad, absuse me in all ways, always excussing me of cheating I mean I sat back and wonder what the hellis wrong with me. I always thought that he would change so I need to hang in there and show him that I'm all about him... I asked myself... Am I that much in love with this guy... that I'm not important. It's sad... but I no I have to look out for my girls and that's that...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make sure you visit a women's shelter - with your kids - so you can all see what happens to women if they let the man talk them back into returning home. Ask them for help with counseling. You'll get it more specifically for what you need.

I'm proud of you for leaving! You have given your kids the best gift ever.


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

Thanks every once for the advice... @ Turnera, Thank you so much for the advice as well, We sure will visit one and I have made an appointment already for counseling.. 


Thanks Again!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You rock! Good for you. Get the help you need. In time, he may come around on the kids and want to be part of their lives--allow it, under supervision, until you are sure he doesn't abuse them. Teach them to stand up for themselves and demand respect, including respectful communication, even from their dad. You will be so happy to see them make good choices with the people they let in their lives. Best of luck.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

A safe single parent family is much better than a dysfunctional family with an abusive father.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Moviefrontier said:


> I'm worried about your kids.....
> Single Parent Family will do harm to them!



Your concern is misguided. This lady is doing exactly what she needs to do.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You are a VERY strong lady!! Press on and never look back. I will add to what Turnera said and not only go to a women's shelter and see what happens but also you might want to consider Legal Aid if resources for you are tight. They will help you for FREE with getting child support and defending your legal rights and those of your children.
Abusers NEVER change. In fact they get worse. I have been married now for 17 years. Prior to my husband I lived with my former fiance. He started out as the nicest guy. Then he controlled what I wore, who I was friends with, my phone calls. Later it became physical and even further down the line his hands around my throat choking me. I fled the apartment and moved back in with my Mother. I had to get a restraining order against him, my Mother had to get one and later my now husband had to get one, 3 years after I left! Did he change and see the errors of his ways? No. He became a criminal defense attorney whose speciality is defending male abusers. To this day I have no idea how a person with three restraining orders against him could be admitted to the California Bar Association. 
You can't love them enough, be nice to them enough, take care of them enough, smile at them enough. Nothing you do will ever stop the abuse. There is something so deeply wrong with these people that they will never ever change. They seek to control. They live for the control. Don't let him live one single second longer controlling you.


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

Thank you all again for the advice... @Brennan, I'm trying so hard to Press forward and not look back. I find myself breaking down though I have been miss treated so much i felt like it was okay that's how he is and tomorrow would be brighter with him and it was always like that unless the next day he would be upset and it would carry on... You know I do have a peace of mind right now being in my own apartment without him there. I don't have to worry about him coming in late hours of the night checking the caller ID looking thru my phone, smelling my bottom to see if I have been doing something while he wasn't home. It's been times I would hear him put the keys in the door and my heart would start racing I didn't even no why. He would come in the house late nights and be drunk and call number back on my phone to see who it was at like 4am in the morning. It's like I know all this but I would deal with it why.. I ask my self...(for the kids to grow up with their dad) Over the weekend the girls spend a couple of hours with him.. I called to talk to him he wouldn't even get on the phone and talk to me my daughter said daddy mommy want you he took the phone from her and hung up on me and wouldn’t answer when I called him back.. He will not talk to me at all WHY? My daughter said he has my number saved as Do not answer. WHY..I told his mother his mother tells me he is really hurt by what I did to him, when I got up and moved out my house, Yes my house he still had his own apartment but he stayed with me every nite... she also said he said he is done this time.. he is moving on... I mean her telling me that hurt me really bad... I felt hurt like I was wrong like I didn't put my all into this relationship.. I Mean what was I suppose to do he always accused me of being with another man... I had to call him every moved I made to let him know what I was doing and when I was doing it.. It was at one point I had to let him know when I was going to the bathroom in the middle of the night I mean it was terrible... However I stayed and put up with it.. and he can't see that he was wrong and why I left. His mother said he said this time he didn't really do anything. I wanted to tell her he didn't have to do **** all he has done to me in the pass.. Its just now I did every and anything he said like I'm a Prisoner. Unless his mind start playing games on him thinking I doing something.. and that will make him go crazy… His mother know’s how he has treated me in the pass, we use to live with her she has saw me with black eyes, she had to come running down the street to stop him from beating me up.. and she come at me like it was my fault. ARE YOU SERIOUS!

Now my question.. I’m I wrong to block them out of me and my girls life for a while til I can handle us not being together. Will I be wrong is that selfish of me?

I’m so scared of him moving on with someone else building a family…


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

If he moves on he is someone elses problem. Did you report your abuse? Have you gone to the courts to setup visitation? I would do that and inform the judge of the abuse that was occurring and the limiting contact will probably be ordered by the judge and you'll get your time away from him while gettign yourself together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, you are not wrong to block them from your life until you feel safe to deal with them again. They are ALL manipulators and they are NOT your friends. Not now. 

Protect yourself. You have to do that for your children. 

Are you in therapy? What books are you reading about abuse?

I just want you to remember this:


> smelling my bottom to see if I have been doing something while he wasn't home.


Any time you feel weak and want to give him another chance, remember that. Remember that a decent man would NEVER EVER EVER do that to a woman he loved. NEVER. It is humiliating, degrading, treating you worse than he would treat a dog. 

He does not DESERVE you in his life.

Please ignore them all - they are just as harmful as him.

I'm so proud of you for leaving. Be an inspiration for your kids.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

The part about him smelling your bottom made me want to punch a wall. What the HELL gives him the right to treat you with such disrespect?!?!
Like Turnera said, remember that part when you are feeling weak. Would you want some "man" doing that to your daughters when they grow up? If not, then why you? Why accept this behavior from this abusive piece of human waste?
You are sooooo much better than this. You need to be a role model for your children to show them what is acceptable and what isn't.
I don't even know this guy and I want to go Rambo on him. And I want to give you a GIANT hug! ((((((((((HUG))))))))).


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I wanted to add a few more things. His Mother is getting pissed at you for leaving and "hurting" him? Do you see a pattern here? A pattern in that family where Mommy stands up for her son and enables him to abuse women and tells women it is THEIR fault this is happening. So he feels it's okay. Now he has you and beats you up because it's "okay" because Mommy stood up for him and because he can justify it in his sick, demented mind that you put up with it so it MUST be okay. Now fast forward several years. If you stay, your children will grow up thinking it is okay too since Mommy "condoned" it. Do you see this? 
You seem to be very concerned about what this pile of sh!t and his Mother think about you. DON'T. The late, great, Dr. Suess once famously said "Be who you are and say and do as you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". If they have an "issue" with you not staying and continuing to take the abuse, THEY DON'T MATTER!!!
As for breaking down, look in a mirror and say outloud, "I am better than this and my kids are better than this". At first it may just be a whisper. Say it 10 times, hell say it 100 times. As time goes on that statement needs to be shouted at the top of your lungs, every day, many times a day until you get angry and know that you will NEVER accept this treatment EVER again in your life. You have had your voice taken away from you. This will become your battle cry. Trust me on that.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Ms.Me4once said:


> It's like I know all this but I would deal with it why.. I ask my self...(for the kids to grow up with their dad) Over the weekend the girls spend a couple of hours with him.. I called to talk to him he wouldn't even get on the phone and talk to me my daughter said daddy mommy want you he took the phone from her and hung up on me and wouldn’t answer when I called him back.. He will not talk to me at all WHY? My daughter said he has my number saved as Do not answer.


Your kids are much better off without him in their lives. He has done unthinkable things in their presence. Quite honestly, I would petition the courts for supervised visitation only, if at all. They have been through enough.


Ms.Me4once said:


> Now my question.. I’m I wrong to block them out of me and my girls life for a while til I can handle us not being together. Will I be wrong is that selfish of me?


absolutely not! your girls deserve to see what a peaceful home looks like. You now have the ability to create that for them. Keep them safe...if you fear your ex will hurt you or your girls, get help.


Ms.Me4once said:


> I’m so scared of him moving on with someone else building a family…


Wow. The only scary thing is that he will do this again with another woman/children. 

You will be so much better off without him in your life. You will give your girls a chance to break the cycle of abuse and to learn that their mom is strong and can take care of herself...that is important for them to learn...up until now, they have seen that it is okay for a man to beat and disrespect a woman...they should not accept this as truth, but that is what they've seen.

I pray you have let him go for good.


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## Eraz2010 (Apr 1, 2010)

Congratulations to you for being so strong! It might not feel like it right now but you did do the right thing.

Whilst a 2 parent family is the goal... NOT with a man as appalling as this guy sounds. With him out of your life your daughter won't grow up thinking it's OK to call children m**her f**kers (or other adults for that matter) and YOU will be free when the right guys walks into your life!

Let a warm glow of self-satisfaction flow over you and keep going!


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

@ Everyone, Thank you all so much for all the advice. I'm going to take it and run with it. I'm really trying so hard for the sake of my 10 year old daughter and my 5 month old to stand strong and move on with my life.. I thought as the days get older I would get healed.. it seems like I think about him more.... 

My 5 month year old was sick almost all week, she is feeling alot better now, I really wanted to call him to let him know what was going on with her. I had to take her to the doctore this past Monday which I found out she had a cold and an ear infection. I really felt lonely I was up all night with her I just wanted him to be there or be able to call him but I keep myself strong and I didn't. When I returned to work on Wed... Their dad left me a message on my work phone stating his fault about not getting the baby the daipers, he still has the baby bag and the doctor's office called his phone for me and to call him once I got the message. So on that day I called it was very brief and simple I told him I got your message and the doctor called about the baby. He asked was she okay I said yes and that was that. However my oldest is now sick and she has not been to school all week so the school called his phone and him and his mother called me Thrusday morning. Now I do have their numbers blocked from calling my cell phone but they both can leave me messages and I can see that they called his mother leaves a message and he didn't so I called her back and she informed me the school called so I told her the girls where sick.. she then asked to speak with my oldest.. while talking with her she asked her to ask me if it was okay for her to call her dad on three way.. my oldest starts shaking her head nononono to me.. (she didn't want to call him) but I told her I didn't care, of course he doesn't answer. He called my cell again on friday afternoon him and his mother, she leaves a message and he doesn't. So I called her back and she says her dad wants her to call him and she has some clothes for her can I come pick them up.. which I told her okay. So my oldest calls him and he asked what she is doing tomorrow and she said me and my mom is taking the baby to baby camp.. and that was that.. he said okay call me when you want to see me... 

I was really upset why does his mother have to call when he call and she leaves message he does not.. These are his kids not her's. What should I do.. should I say something to him? His mother acts more concern then he does.

Now my oldest dont like to call him at all.. I have to make her. 

I just wish I can get over this... I'm so tired of thinking about what he is doing and who he is with.. Will I ever move on with Life?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just give your daughter time. Always let her know she can see him whenever she's ready.

Don't bother talking to him. He thinks of bad feelings, looking bad, when he thinks of you, so nothing is going to sink in.

Take some time for yourself, ok? See if a friend will watch your kids once in awhile so you can go to the bookstore or a beach or something.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are not in the wrong here. He must get help--lots of it--or he could seriously injure you or the kids. He will never admit how wrong he is unless he gets the right kind of therapy and support--but b/c he does not see he is wrong, he will probably not even try to get help. 

You said you were looking into counseling. Have you found it? Are you getting any? Are you getting some support? You need to cut your ties with him--no matter how lonely you feel. And do not start up with another man until you figure out why you are so willing to believe you are at fault when a man abuses you! No one deserves abuse; no one. You deserve respect and love. Learn to give it to yourself and to demand it from others so that you do not become a victim again.


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

Thank you for the advice. @ Sister359, Yes I'm in counseling now I have went once already I go once a week. 

I have alot of help my family and friends are very supportive. They are so happy that I've left him. But it's really hard when you have a 5 month year old child with a man that has treat me so wrong for so many years and I've gotten use to it.. It's like thats all I know. I hope the counseling can help me so I wont go back and my next relationship don't be that way. I mean I went back so much because I start to feel lost with out him I start missing him crazy. I want to do things different this go round. I don't want to go back.I wish I didn't love him but I do... 

Now do you think it's wrong for me to have male friends with no sex involved,or am I moving to fast?

As far as my daughter I'm going to give her all the time she needs I ask her constantly do she wants to call him. I'm thinking I should wait til she ask me. I just don't want her to not ask... I feel like if I don't ask her she will never say she wants to see him or even call him. I want him to be apart of their lives.

My daughter told me yesterday Mommy I like the new you. For the last couple of weeks, I have been keeping my self up not walking around looking like I don't care about life. Which I did when I was with him just so he wouldn't think I was out doing anything or maybe because I couldn't just get up and go shopping with my friends and family like I can now.. I just couldn't even think for myself with out his approval.. I swear I don't want to go back to that life.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Yes the guilt you feel is just MORE ABUSE from him! Save you, save your children...and get the child support. Yes, he will most likely abuse you and try to make you feel guilty for that too.

Remember, HIS actions have forced your separation. It was not what you would have preferred, but the only thing you could do to protect yourself and your children.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Oh, man, from the mouth of babes! How great is that, your daughter likes the "new" you? She probably worried (subconsciously) a LOT when her dad was around.

You may want the kids to have a good relationship with their dad, but you cannot make that happen. First, given time, it is likely that your daughter will ask about her dad, so do not encourage it. Mention him when it is natural ("Remember when your dad and I took you to that. . ."), do not run him down--but you can make it clear you have changed ("I don't let people talk mean to me anymore, so your dad has a hard time with that").

When you are further along in your recovery--and her, too, 'cause I think you said you were getting her in counseling--you can try to re-establish a relationship btw the kids and their dad. But there is only so much you can do, and you do not want her to feel she has to accommodate his inappropriate behaviors just b/c he's her dad. So supervised visits at first, with a lot of counseling for her to learn how to set boundaries with him (hard for a kid, but something she can be taught) and protect herself emotionally, etc. Great life lessons but too bad her dad is the reason she has to start learning them so young. 

And try to remind yourself, you don't love "him," you have been in love with the desperate affirmation he gives you AFTER he has abused you. Once you don't need that external affirmation, he may make your skin crawl--you may not see anything attractive in him. Just don't be surprised if that happens! 

Good luck. It's really cool to see you taking charge of things like this! Well done!


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## LoveTeenMommy (Jun 17, 2010)

you shouldn't respond to his offensive questions and whats so ever, be strong because it will be hard to walk away but that is the best thing you can do but don't make yourself even believe that you took away the childrens' father because you did not he is walking out all you need to do is be strong and be a remodel to your kids by showing them that they do not need to live like that and that nobody has the right to do such thing, even if your kids dont understand you need to because they will at the end, and as far as their father you dont need to respond or do anything he tells you hes not paying rent or helping you so why should you? be strong and be that role model your kids desire and you just might find mr. right.


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

@ Everyone, Thank you all so much for the advice...


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

...
Now do you think it's wrong for me to have male friends with no sex involved said:


> Right or wrong, I think you will do *yourself* the most good by simply learning to be happy on your own for a while. You need to build up your own self worth irrelevant to anybody else's opinion or reaction to you. While this may not be the easiest road to take I think it would be the most beneficial to you and your daughter in the long run.


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

Hello All, thanks again for the advice... it really helps to get advice from others and not only family and friends... 

I have been trying to hold it together.. with all the praying I have been doing... and all.. it just seems like it's getting harder then easier.. I thought with time it would get better but it doesn't seem that way wit hme.. I don't want to be in a relationship with him and I don't want him to be with anyone one else... it sound kind of stupid... but it's how I feel... even though I know he has someone else.. he had someone else when he was with me.. 

I really want him to be a dad to the girls.. but I'm kind of taking it as he is not gong to be there for them.. because we are not together.. it's just so hard.... to suck it up.. he doesn't even call the girls at all... his mother calls for him.. she ask me to get the girls so he can see them.. it hurts to know a man I shared so much with can treat me like I was the wrong one... Any advice on how to shake this feeling... PLEASE...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only thing you can do at this point is find a good psychologist and start going, to learn to like yourself better and stop doubting yourself. You should mad as hell; instead you feel weak and ineffective. A good counselor can help you take back your life. They really do help.


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

@ Turnera, I'm going to a psychologist now... and I thought it was helping but it seems like its not at times... I dont know why I'm feeling so weak etc... I do feel made at times.. and I hate him but at the same time I miss him and I wish he was around to share the moments of our girls growing up... I'm really starting to hate myself for the feelings I still hold for this man who cares nothing for me or his girls.. WHY.. cant I shake this guy wtf is wrong with me.. he's clearly not thinking bout me or his girls.. or give a F#$% about me or them... goodness.. I'm praying hard everyday for new strengh and courage... but I'm still have thoughts of him.. when will it go away... I hate feeling like I can't move on... 

The sad part about it is.. I'm free, I no longer have to let this man no my every move, I don't have to worry about being beat on, cursed out for no reason... him cheating on me... etc... so why can't I be happy.... Why... Any one out there been in an abuse relationship with kids.. but found happiness at sometime of their life... I feel like I'm never going to make it without him.. and why I don't know... What I'm I doing wrong.. I can't even controll my thoughts of him.. I keep picturing him being with another women... WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you doing any reading about abuse? And how it takes away your self esteem? That's how abuse works - it erodes your belief in yourself.

Getting that back won't be easy or quick.

Why do you keep thinking about him? Because he got you believing that HE was right, good, everything, while YOU are wrong, stupid, lazy, dumb, whatever, and therefore HE is what you should DESIRE because he is better than you.

Hogwash. Start reading, ok?


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

@ Turnera thanks so much for the advice... Where can I look for books on abuse.. I tried looking on line and I had no luck...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best book out there is Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Bancroft I think.

Other good ones are by Patricia Evans. Any of her books.


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

Thank you so much...


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## sgchef (Jul 9, 2010)

here it goes my wife is from the czech republic she is beautiful in every way im a normal southern guy i was going through a nasty break up with a son, and i met my wife of now 9 years during that chaos, when we first met i had only the clothes on my back she helped me in every way possible financialy you name it so i took a few ok paying jobs in the restaurant business and found out that i realy liked the work so i began to try harder and harder until i was promoted into mgnt for a company the money was decent but the days were long 12-14 hours long, after a few years the job offers began to pour in so intrested in doing better for my family i took one then it was the snow ball effect from there i just began to trade up for a new job and better money until im at the top of my game now im a corporate chef with alot of responsibality and even less time than when i started in the business and less time at home with my wife and son. my wife was very supportive and loving in the begining now my wife is hardly ever home she is constatly going out of town and spending time with her friends she almost never cleans our home and acts like she could care less if we ever see each other i try to talk to her about these things and she just blows them off i know she loves me but the passion is not there anymore, her mother is in town from prague for two months and she is always gone with her but the problems were here long before her mother ever arrived all i want is to spent some time with my wife and be able to talk about our problems and come to a solution but i dont think she is intrested was i wrong for spending so much time away from her? i need some help im at a loss, do you think she still loves me?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sgchef, why don't you start your own thread so people can find it and help? Oh, and please break your post into paragraphs so it's easier to read, thanks!


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

@ Sgchef, yes you may want to start your on Thread so people wont get confused.. I was a little confused when I was readying it. I said to my self what do this have to do with my problems.


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

Hello All, It will be 2 months on the 25th that me and my BF/Kids Dad has been Broke up. I have been trying to get thru my break up it has been so hard latley I thought with time it would get better but it seems like its getting harder... All last week I have been asking myself if I should call him and talk to him about the girls.. arranging money he is going to give and the time he is going to start spending with them. His mother use to call and check on them she has stopped now.. he hasn't called in over a month now... I got up yesterday really wanting to call him so we can get on the same page... about the girls but I didn't I prayined in stead and I asked the lord to help me give me some signs on what I need to do... and he did... I left out the house to go get my sister and I saw him on the street at the light so I pulled up beside him beeped my horn and rolled my window down.. it took him about a minute or two to rolls his down.. he looked at me like WTF do I want.. he then rolled it and and said WHAT'S UP with a very bad attitude.. I said hey your girls are in here... my oldest jumped up and said hey daddy... he said to her hey baby what you doing.. she said nothing.. he then asked about the baby.. my daughter told him she was right there in her car seat sleeping... I then asked him did he want me to pull over so he can see them.. HE TOLD ME NO HE WILL CATCH UP WITH THEM ANOTHER TIME... and pulled off.. I was so hurt.. would it had took to much for him to pull over give them a kiss and show them some love.. that daddy cares for them.. I mean why is he so mad at me.. why do he hate me so much.. I so wanted to call him and talk to him.. but I cant I'm affriad he will make me feel worst then I already do... I feel like a failure to my girls.. for giving them the worst father ever... I look at my friends etc... and they not with there kids dad but they do take care of the child and see. them.. My kids dad is the worst ever he is so making me hate the **** out of him.. I never thought he would treat them like that... when we was together he made me think he loved them so much.. now it's like nothing... like it's all about him... he is out here living his life.. and not thinking abouth his girls at all.. Do I need to just give him time.. I mean.. I'm so torn.. I'm hurting so bad... I just want him in there lives.. should I send an email, call or text him.. WHAT SHOULD I DO... I want the best for my girls....


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

I don't know, but is it possible that having this abusive man NOT be around your daughters is the best thing for them?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This is not a man-bashing comment, but rather a general observation, that it's quite common - especially with a man who's not particularly great husband/father material in the first place - and easier for a guy to (1) easily walk away from his parenting responsibilities than a woman, and (2) vilify you for it all so that he can live with himself for doing so. 

This has nothing to do with you, everything to do with him. 

If I were you, I would talk nicely about him to the girls, but help guide them to learning to live without him. At least for now. If they expect the worst, they may be pleasantly surprised to get to see him. But if you build it up so they want him, and then get disappointed, it will be harder on them and they will blame themselves.


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

@ Turnera, Thank you so much that it sounds like some great advice and thats what I will start doing... Here in out... Thanks again.:smthumbup:


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