# Finding your footing .... alone



## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Since my separation, I have had a hard time finding my footing as a single woman. Over the 20 years that ex and I were a couple, we entertained a lot. BBQs, football games, holiday parties, summer swims, etc. I truly miss those gatherings.

I stopped doing a lot of these since I was having a difficult time dealing with the divorce and also the $ expense of hosting. My daughter always has sleepovers and I have had a few friends over for dinner, but mostly I just meet friends out or at their homes. 

Last night I was not looking forward to another night alone. Although my daughter was home, she normally hangs in her room (typical teenage girl). I called my neighbor who recently got a divorce and asked her to stop by for a drink with the kids. I also invited my married neighbors and kids to come by if they wanted. Happy to report we had a ball. 9 kids in the pool, one infant and 5 adults just talking - enjoying some wine and fruit/cheese. Very relaxing and easy.

I will try to do more of these impromptu parties in the future. It has been out of my comfort zone to entertain as a non-couple. I am always a bit nervous when couples come since I do not have a plus one and am hoping the guys are not bored. 
Last night was fun. 

Has it been hard for other people to entertain or be around couple friends without a plus one?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

That was a huge thing you did you know, huge . So glad it turned out so good.
l have heaps of trouble with all that stuff now and we didn't really have an old neighborhood thing as we'd only lived there a few years and the locals were never our thing anyway. l never fitted , ex did a bit better through her work.

There's mostly only say family things left on my side now which l've avoided up til a few mths ago.
For a start they're 3hrs away mostly and so not only was that a long day but l worried my daughter , 13, might really feel it. All that way , first time in her life just us two, dozens of cousins and rallies flocking her and mum not around.
Got one brother an hour away though and one sister often takes her kids up and invited us over a few wks back. l'd avoided it before.
So l bit the bullet, l was dreading it. lt was really the first family thing for me and my daughter alone. But we had a ball , she hooked up with her cousin, had a barbie and the kids were stoked seeing each other. Deep down though l was still really sad at things being like this but put up a good front and it went ok.
So in 18mths , that's really been our first. l've been putting it off as l only get the wkends with her so l want our time. but even more , just hoping we' could both adjust a bit first too.

lt is really hard l know , but your lucky being female. Probly been doing all that stuff forever , my ex use to organize it so it's all new to me . 

l always worry about the effect on our kids though , mum or dad , whichever, missing . Must be so hard for them hell it's hard for me .


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

So awesome. You've got this.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

whitehawk... Thanks - I felt relief that the whole night was so easy. I hope it gets easier for you. Having your daughter interact with her cousin is VERY good. She will remember those times and that you were part of it. Kids hanging out with cousins is a special bond and your daughter will grow closer to you knowing you both have that in common. 

Trust me, I know how hard it is to do the social thing alone with child without your spouse. Baby steps for both of us... 

I try to mix up weekend activities between movies, dining out, shopping and visiting others. I tend to get sad if I stay home to many nights without any interaction with adults. 

To bad we did not live close to hang out!


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

It's been 2 years since my split with my ex, and my married friends have been really nice about inviting me over for dinner, or to their vacation homes, etc. At first I felt really thankful, but now I am starting to go to meet-up.com single activities and am starting to feel like a "third wheel" with my married friends. I really have the desire to make new relationships on my own now, and enjoy my daytime activities with this new group, but still spend most of my nights at home alone - trolling on TAM! I have also invited a few of my married friends over, and had a good time, but feel very awkward doing it. I think part of it is that I never really was a social butterfly, so I may never really have a social night life. I love to read about TAMers that are fully out there, socializing and having a great time, but I doubt that will ever be me. I will probably never give up hope though that I will meet someone that adds happiness to my life, and vice versa. Is this a bummer post, or what?


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

JW - Not a bummer post. Just honest. I appreciate honesty after hearing lies and living a false life of betrayal for so long. I would rather have someone be honest about the struggles of life than the false fake happiness that some will jam down peoples throat to appear happy. 

You will eventually meet someone who will fill your life with happiness again. I truly believe that I will too. I believe over time I will be comfortable in single social scenes and entertaining others without having to count how many males will be at party and hoping they are not bored.

I need to be true to myself and taking things slowly. that is how i roll now!


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## jr92gp (Feb 28, 2014)

It's always difficult those first times stepping out of your comfort zone. Generally, if your mindset is even somewhat right things will turn out far better than you thought they could. People are amazing. Never forget that you are not alone in wanting to make new friends, and that everyone wants to have a good time. Usually what gives you the most anxiety is the best thing for you to experience...socially at least and within reason.

And here's something that has gotten me through the discomfort of meeting new people: What does it matter what anyone else thinks of you? A quote from Anthony DeMello: "It’s not that we fear the unknown. You cannot fear something that you do not know. Nobody is afraid of the unknown. What you really fear is the loss of the known." Think on what the loss of the known is, and whether it matters or is relevant to your situation. Then you may be informed enough to make the decision on whether your fear is irrational or not.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

FrustratedFL said:


> whitehawk... Thanks - I felt relief that the whole night was so easy. I hope it gets easier for you. Having your daughter interact with her cousin is VERY good. She will remember those times and that you were part of it. Kids hanging out with cousins is a special bond and your daughter will grow closer to you knowing you both have that in common.
> 
> Trust me, I know how hard it is to do the social thing alone with child without your spouse. Baby steps for both of us...
> 
> ...


Thanks for that . We were having lots of her friends and sleepovers but they're all into sitting on their damn ipads this year and none of them are doing it much of anything now, damn things.
Yeah it is isn't it , l would've loved to have had someone around through this going through the same .
Any real social life seems to be running away from me in all this so far but since that wk end l'm trying to get more of the rallies at least dropping over. Had a couple more small barbies since and my d's loved that . 
Works in progress l spose , well hopefully progressing anyway :rofl:


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

JWTBL said:


> It's been 2 years since my split with my ex, and my married friends have been really nice about inviting me over for dinner, or to their vacation homes, etc. At first I felt really thankful, but now I am starting to go to meet-up.com single activities and am starting to feel like a "third wheel" with my married friends. I really have the desire to make new relationships on my own now, and enjoy my daytime activities with this new group, but still spend most of my nights at home alone - trolling on TAM!


I am in this space also. On one hand it is so kind of my "marrieds" as I call them to think of me, but on the other hand sometimes when I am the only single/lone person at yet another couples night I feel like some weird zoo specimen. It's not their fault but sometimes the topics just go into places I do not give a crap about such as "our method for dividing chores" or "our recent romantic trip together slideshow."

That said, I have a feeling some if it is totally in my head. I've been a bit prickly lately regarding too much time with couples in twu wuv and also wee baby precious new parent parties. 

I'm probably just a grumpy butt.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Shooboomafoo said:


> It was a welcome respite for me. Consider a dry erase calendar posted on the fridge with the month's "doings" written out weeks in advance. This was the plan for my life, scribed by my then wife at the time, each weekend filled to the brim with necessities, obligations, and "outings"... , and I grew to resent the living he// out of it. That was then,,, 2 years single now, and I have no dry erase board. I've just been taking it easy and enjoying simpler things.


I am an introvert.
I recharge by being alone.
The nagging from my wife about how I did not want to go visit her mother is a welcome absence in my life. 
Actually ...so is the mother!

OP, you just have to find what works best for you. 
I have observed that as people get older, they tend to need less friends but get closer to the ones they do have.
YMMV


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Made some progress this week - I went out with co-workers for a drink and invited another friend over to swim. I like swimming at night after dinner with a nice glass of wine. We just floated and talked which was relaxing.

Today I am off for a week vacation in NJ and NY with daughter and I am so looking forward to seeing my friends and family. I have had these friends for 40 years now and still considered them my BFFs. 

cheers-


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I can't stop smiling!!!

You go girl,
Stretch


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Thanks Stretch -  It has been a long time coming but slow and steady wins the race>>>


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

FL, you may also want to keep in mind that you are now a social threat to a lot of people. 
I found that as soon as I was divorced a lot of my guy friends who were married mentioned their wives cooled down to me considerably. I lost a few friends because I was seen as possible competition. At times it felt like I could actually "get divorce on them" if I visited.
Weird.

Finding your way through this is about aquiring a whole new set of friends and weeding out the ones who are feeding off you.
It's not a pleasant task, but you will feel better afterwards.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

SamuraiJack said:


> FL, you may also want to keep in mind that you are now a social threat to a lot of people.
> I found that as soon as I was divorced a lot of my guy friends who were married mentioned their wives cooled down to me considerably. I lost a few friends because I was seen as possible competition. At times it felt like I could actually "get divorce on them" if I visited.
> Weird.
> 
> ...


You know, I used to avoid divorced men too. Like it would rub off on me or something. It is weird; I have no explanation for it really except that I had secret fears and they brought them to my mind and I didn't want to deal with any of that stuff.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> FL, you may also want to keep in mind that you are now a social threat to a lot of people.
> I found that as soon as I was divorced a lot of my guy friends who were married mentioned their wives cooled down to me considerably. I lost a few friends because I was seen as possible competition. At times it felt like I could actually "get divorce on them" if I visited.
> Weird.
> 
> ...



Why do you think it was the wives cooled down on you ?
l worry about things like this myself . Mainly family couples, l don't really know many other couples now.
l do worry to l may be treated as if l have a bad cold though now . Or some loser that can't hold his marriage together.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

whitehawk said:


> Why do you think it was the wives cooled down on you ?
> l worry about things like this myself . Mainly family couples, l don't really know many other couples now.
> l do worry to l may be treated as if l have a bad cold though now . Or some loser that can't hold his marriage together.


Personally, I think they are afraid that if their husband expresses any unhappiness, I will unfurl the divorce banner and start a campaign. They know Im not a looser and that my wife had some issues, but they dont know if I still support their marriage. It is "a stigma".

One thing I noted during my seperation and divorce. When my wife cried for help, she was immediately surrounded by women, all of whom were actively campaigning for her to divorce. They came in from all sides and had no problem villifying me even though many of them had never met me. 
After the divorce she mentioned that if she hadnt listened to them she might have reconciled.

I think maybe the wives who cooled on me know about this tendancy and expect that men do it to.
Funny, but all MY male friends supported reconciliation.

Another factor, I think, is the party boy syndrome that usually happenes with most men. After having been in a suppresive marriage, they cut loose when they dont have the kids.
I know I did.
The married ones will often support and say things like "Wish I was you bro!"
The thing most women dont get is that they dont _really_ mean it, but are saying it as a way to bolster their friend. Making them feel like they somehow got the better end of the deal. Its sort of like telling somebody "You'll do better next time." when you just creamed them in something.

I suppose it will be different with every woman, but the fact remains that a newly divorced friend _seems_ to represent a perceptual danger to her own marriage.

Thus we, as newly divorced males, get systematically shunned.
We usually end up with a few married friends who have the balls to stick up for us and then we have to make a new circle of friends.
One of my male friends calls it "getting kicked out of the country club."

Very apt wording.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

SamuraiJack said:


> They came in from all sides and had no problem villifying me even though many of them had never met me.
> After the divorce she mentioned that if she hadnt listened to them she *might have reconciled.*


Your ex "mentioned" that much later but I doubt if she would have thought of actually reconciling. She had a BF and left you. The door was closed. Things she tells you after D took place may not always be all the truth. Leavers can always say "they could have ..they would / might have"* if their friends didn't tell them to D* (blame shifting) but in reality, they didn't R because they chose not e.g. relationship was over as far as they were concerned. Friends may have merely reinforced the decision.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> FL, you may also want to keep in mind that you are now a social threat to a lot of people.
> I found that as soon as I was divorced a lot of my guy friends who were married mentioned their wives cooled down to me considerably. I lost a few friends because I was seen as possible competition. At times it felt like I could actually "get divorce on them" if I visited.
> Weird.
> 
> ...


I have to agree, since my ex and I split many of my married guy friends have wife's that are totally scared as we were the "perfect" couple, and they are not. Joe and Dan very close friends can only really talk to me when the spouses are gone. Being "we "had it all, and it ended, both their wife's see that I am happier after the divorce are now very scared that I am a bad influence. They are scared that the may be left single and by themselves and the husbands may move on. 

On another note other married friends just vanished and I guess they were not true friends. Funny how this works. Well this is Seattle.. lol...


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