# Please HELP ME!!!! no sex!



## hah06 (Jun 6, 2010)

Hi, i really need some help ! I am 21 and got married when i was 19 to my high school sweet heart! we have been together for 6 years married for almost 2 years. We didnt have sex until we graduated from high school and moved off to college together! We have sex around every 3 to 4 months.. if im luckY. I dont understand whats going on... People have told me that he is gay because as young as we are we should be doing it more often than than what we are... the last time we had sex was in april ... And everything revolves around his mom.. i come last in everything! I dont know what to do! i feel unwanted,, he tells me he loves me and kisses me everynight before we go to bed but thats all i get! I try so hard to make our relationship more intimate.. ! i have read books ,, talked to a counselor.. and i talk to him about it.. he gets real defensive about it saying hes stressed or too tired! When we do have sex its the same old same .. i know exactly what to expect! nothing ever changes.. i am so down and depressed ... we dont go out and do things with our friends.. he always wants to hang out with his mom and her friends! he doesnt take me out on dates ... or to the movies NOTHING!!! what do i do? im breaking down ! please someone help me!


----------



## hah06 (Jun 6, 2010)

*Re: NO sex!*

I have even tried making sure i have my hair and makup done everyday so i look my best for him and he still doesnt seem to care.. its like we are just roomates!


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

First of all, please don't allow this to affect your self esteem or make you depressed. You have to recognize this for what it is and that it has nothing to do with you. What that means is he would be exactly the same if he'd married someone else, so it's not about you. Get me? This is his problem and has nothing to do with you. So allowing it to make you depressed is pointless and won't solve anything. You'll just be down in the dumps all the time, and that makes no sense to permit another person to do that to you. You can't control him, but you can control your response to him, and you can take charge of your life. I've no doubt you love him, I know you need more from him, and I realize this is not what you imagined for your married life. But you can't be depressed over what someone else is not capable of doing. And you absolutely cannot allow the situation to destroy your self esteem. You are a worthy and desirable young woman. His problem has nothing to do with you personally.

Secondly, I think his testosterone levels need to be checked. Make a doctor appointment for him and also talk to his doctor before the appointment. I don't know if you are bashful or not, but you won't be the first woman to speak with a man's doctor concerning this very subject. Doc needs to know your concerns so he knows the right questions to ask your husband, and he will know any additional tests to conduct.

Other than that, are you with and around him very much? Do you know if he spends an inordinate amount of time on the computer? I'm wondering if he watches pornography. Do you know if he watches porn on TV? Videos? His neglect of you and seemingly non-existent libido could be the result of a porn and masturbating addiction. Are you able to definitely rule that out?

Third, I think this needs to be discussed with his mother, not about the infrequent sex part but about the two of you not having your own social life. Let her know you are feeling neglected by your husband and that there are many things you would like the two of you to do together. Ask her to please speak with her son about it. In as inconspicuous, non-judgmental, and non-blaming way as you can muster, try to appeal to her feminine side. Ask her how she would feel if her husband or gentleman friend never spent time with her or if they never did enjoyable things as a couple. Don't mention anything to her about him always being with her or around her. She will take that completely the wrong way and become defensive and even more possessive of her son. So do it in a woman-to-woman and I-need-your-help kind of way and let her know you are seeking her help and advice. Some people have to be stroked the right way to get them on your side. I personally feel she is wrong to allow him always being under her instead of teaching him to be an independent married man. If she is uncooperative, then I have no idea what you can possibly do because she raised a mama's boy and probably wants to keep him just like that.

Finally, I think he is just too inexperienced and too shy to be adventurous in the bedroom. He becomes defensive when you speak of it, which indicates he feels himself inadequate. I don't know anything about your finances or you health insurance policies but if it is covered or if you can afford it, make an appointment with a sex therapist. He is never going to listen to you because he fears he won't do things right and you being the one to instruct him means you would also have to be the one who approves and disapproves of his efforts. I'm saying that's the way he thinks. A sex therapist can help build his confidence.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Susan2010 said:


> <snip>
> Finally, I think he is just too inexperienced and too shy to be adventurous in the bedroom. He becomes defensive when you speak of it, which indicates he feels himself inadequate. I don't know anything about your finances or you health insurance policies but if it is covered or if you can afford it, make an appointment with a sex therapist. He is never going to listen to you because he fears he won't do things right and you being the one to instruct him means you would also have to be the one who approves and disapproves of his efforts. I'm saying that's the way he thinks. A sex therapist can help build his confidence.


I think this is really good advice. Although we are a good bit older and were both pretty experienced before we got married, my H and I went through some pretty choppy water in the sexual arena until we really began talking to each other. It took me a long time to understand how deeply frightened my H was of his own fantasies and interests. 

Naturally no one can say if your H has some secret world in his head that he thinks will shock and horrify you, but think about it: if you thought that your H would be disgusted by your sexual desires, would you reveal them to him? I'm guessing no.

My suspicion is that as in most things, the lack of sex is not the problem, but a symptom of a communication problem. If you can help him to open up about what's really going on (and I can nearly promise you that he is ashamed of not having more sex with you, and that this shame contributes to a vicious cycle), then I bet you can make some progress. 

Get thee to a counselor.


----------



## hah06 (Jun 6, 2010)

Thank you so much this has really helped me!!!!


----------

