# The little things are getting to me



## funkymonkey (Jun 3, 2013)

I think I'm losing respect for my husband and now I’m wondering if maybe I made a mistake getting married.

The issues I’m having at the moment all revolve around the fact that he acts like he is incapable of doing things that I know he probably CAN do, he is just chooses not to…out of laziness, fear, I don’t know what…but I find it beyond annoying. I think it bothers me because I don’t want to believe that I was stupid enough to marry someone that is so inept…but then that would be admitting that he is ACTUALLY inept, and I just can’t admit that at this point…I truly don’t believe it yet, but maybe I’m wrong?

For the most part the things that bother me are stupid and menial…like when I asked him if he would print 3 months of a calendar for me (yes, I can do this myself…but he was sitting at the computer at that moment reading the news, which he does for several hours a day and I was trying to get ready to leave for an appointment) and he claimed he couldn’t because he didn’t know how and made a dramatic gesture as if it stressed him out to even contemplate doing it…but I know he printed 3 months of a calendar for his ex-wife just last month, so I know he can do it. 

The sheer VOLUME of the menial things that seem to cause him massive anxiety or angst is truly becoming annoying for me…where I have no choice but to just do things myself because asking him isn’t worth the stress it causes me to have him say he can’t for whatever reason. I used to joke with my friends that he was losing his “man card” because he couldn’t/wouldn’t do things like carve a turkey or put jumper cables on a car….change a tire…etc. But it’s becoming not funny anymore…I’m actually losing respect for him.

One of my biggest pet peeves has been around the effort he puts into getting a job. He was laid off very un-expectedly from a job he enjoyed just before Christmas. At first I didn’t think it would be a big deal because he appears to be an EXTREMELY capable person when it comes to his job…strong work ethic, excellent contacts as he got along well with his staff and his management. He said they were torn up about having to lay him off, yadda, yadda, yadda…I was sure he would get a job relatively quick based on his connections alone. 

But he started unemployment in January, doing just the bare minimum necessary to get his check...he applied for 3 jobs a week. That’s it…no more. Between January and May he had ZERO calls for interviews. He paid a bunch of money to go to a seminar about how to use LinkedIn to network for jobs. After that seminar he wanted to spend another $600 on another seminar for how to target your job search and interview. I didn’t think he needed to spend $600 on that one as it seemed like something he didn’t need. Maybe I was wrong…because here we are 6 months later, ne never used LinkedIn the way he was advised…but what’s worse is he just expects that submitting a resume to a job posting is all he should have to do. We have actually had disagreements about cover letters and reaching out to contacts more than once. He refuses to follow up on any position he has applied for. Early May he finally got called for a couple of interviews in the same week…he never did any follow up after the first one even though he was interested in the position and he seemed to be a good fit. He didn’t do thank you notes, he didn’t check in with his contacts at the company, he didn’t do anything one would normally do if you are trying to get a job. 

The second interview was a disaster, the hiring manager plainly stated that the job sucked, the company sucked, they will work you to death and that he is a terrible manager to work for…so of course, guess which job he was offered? He finally contacted the first company because he needed to know for sure where that job stood and they told him they had hired someone else. So he ended up accepting a part time position that paid the same amount as unemployment (which is about 1/2 of what he was making with his previous job) with the crummy company just for the sake of having a job while he continues to look for something he wants. This was an admirable plan…but is already starting to backfire as the new job truly sucks as bad as the manager had warned and the terms of the job are changing, making it hard for him to get the time he needs to continue his search AND limiting the time he gets to spend with his kids.

This brings us to yesterday, where he told me about a job posting he found that he was really interested in. While he was out of the house I read it and took a couple of notes about what he should include in his cover letter. When he came home I literally got so far as the words “cover letter” before he blew up, saying he didn’t have time to do a cover letter unless he took half of today off of work in order to get it in, blah, blah, blah.

This is just ridiculous to me. How can you on the one hand tell me how much you want this job, and then in the same breath tell me how you aren’t willing to put the effort necessary into getting the job. What’s worse is that I crafted a basic cover letter for him for another position a few weeks ago…all he has to do is change a few things out…it would take half an hour of his time, tops. Hell, I would have even done it for him but I was so completely aggravated by his response to my even suggesting he HAVE a cover letter that I just said forget it and went to bed.

I don’t know what to do…I’m starting to feel like I married a loser…which I know is not a healthy way to look at my husband, but these little things are just mounting making him look weaker and less “capable” of taking care of himself that it’s scaring me that I’ve made a huge mistake. I thought I was signing up to share my life with someone...and while I don’t “need” to be taken care of, it would be nice to not have to be his mother, which is what it’s starting to feel like.

I realize right now, while I’m angry, I’m not giving enough credit to the fact that he does help out around the house…so it’s not like he is sitting in his boxers watching tv all day…but at the same time, he actually uses the household chores as an excuse for not getting other things done. He will literally say he doesn’t have time to work his contacts or write a cover letter because of all the time he spent doing the laundry, walking the dogs and doing the dishes. We live alone, by the way…we only get his kids on the weekends, so you might see why this excuse wares thin with me. These chores should consume about 2 hours a day, total.

All of this is making me less and less attracted to him. I don’t know what to do. I feel like even bringing it up with him would be dangerous…risking bruising the ego of someone that is clearly already insecure…so now not only do I have a marriage where I don’t respect him, but I’m hiding my true feelings and can’t openly communicate my frustrations with him. 

How do I fix this without leaving…because honestly, if we weren't married…I would have already ended this. 

We have been married less than 1 year…he has 2 young daughters. When I think of leaving I think of how that would hurt them and figure I have to find a way to stay…I feel like I may have no choice but to suck it up and just exist in a marriage to someone I don’t respect, just so that I don’t hurt anyone. I also am fully aware that “marriage takes work” and am reaching out here because I recognize that I may be the problem here…I’m asking for help. Do I just need to “stand by my man” and let all this go? How do I get rid of the resentment that is building up?


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It sounds like he might have ADD. Not that this excuses anything, but a lot of things you wrote about him getting angry or anxious about certain tasks is typical for people with ADD.


----------



## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Well, you are hurting, so it isn't true that by staying you won't hurt anyone. That being said, I wouldn't jump to say it's time for you to leave yet.

How does he sleep? Is it good quality sleep? 

Is his health good? Has it deteriorated at all recently?

Does he have any hobbies or interests that he works on in his free time?

Also, I mostly gave up reading the news. I found it was causing me undue stress over a lot of issues that I could not control, so I stopped reading it so much. I skim the headlines now and then so I'm not a total imbecile, but I try to stay away from topics that seem to get me worked up. If he's spending a good portion of his day reading news online, it could be causing him a lot of anxiety and he may not even realize it. 

It is rather ridiculous that a grown man can't edit a cover letter for a job he's interested in when he only works part time as it is. He is developing some bad habits in this off-time. Unfortunately, I think you need to try having a good serious talk with him, and if he absolutely can't bear it, then perhaps he needs to see a counselor about it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Addressing the first issue you listed, his "ineptness"..(ineptitude??) What was he like before you married? Was he a normally capable person then? I understand that these are small menial things, but when you start lining those up end to end, they add up to a HUGE frustration. I think he feigns not knowing how to do things to avoid helping. He is being selfish. 

Now addressing his employment issue. I can understand having a hard time after you lose your job, it is a real blow emotionally and financially. But he is at the six month mark, its time to get up off the pity pot, and get serious about finding something. It IS good that he is sticking out that sucky job he did manage to find, but he needs to carve out time to find that REAL job that he wants and deserves. I have been in your position, when my ex H2 lost his job, he would get a paper twice a week and look there for jobs. And thats ALL he did. Yes, he did keep the house up while he was home, but like you had said in your post, that was not an all day, every day chore. He had hours and hours a day to job hunt. So one day when I was finally at my wits end, I told him that I didnt really think he was looking for a job. Yeah, I heard about that for the rest of the years we were married, sheesh. Granted, that isnt supportive, but I was working full time for crap pay, and was fighting and struggling to cover all the expenses, and he was just like, so nonchalant about the whole thing! And every day when I got home from work, that cushion on "his" spot on the couch was getting more and more worn, and I snapped. He did find a job after 9 months, and it was sh!t pay, but at least it was something. Oh, and it was ME who found him a job, I posted on Monster for him!

I understand where you are, I really do. I have zero respect for men who WONT work. (no, not disabled, or SAHD...flat out refusing to work!) But do give him a little credit, he IS sticking with a crappy job instead of unemployment, so I dont think he is a lost cause. He may just need a little nudge...maybe show him your bank account and expenses, if you are the one in charge of the bill paying.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

funkymonkey said:


> We have been married less than 1 year…he has 2 young daughters. When I think of leaving I think of how that would hurt them and figure I have to find a way to stay…I feel like I may have no choice but to suck it up and just exist in a marriage to someone I don’t respect, just so that I don’t hurt anyone. I also am fully aware that “marriage takes work” and am reaching out here because I recognize that I may be the problem here…I’m asking for help. Do I just need to “stand by my man” and let all this go? How do I get rid of the resentment that is building up?


Seems to me the both of you have some communication issues, and neither is helping the other very much. I mean, we have your side from your perspective. I'd like to know his as I think it would add some sorely needed perspective here. At least that’s the way your rant comes across to me. No disrespect intended. 

I might suggest that we all have our Achilles heel, so to speak. For him it seems that losing his job unexpectedly is his and he is having a hard time handling it all. For some guys losing their ability to provide... is a huge blow to the ego and problems stem from that. Also, he may not be "all he can be" but neither is anyone else I have ever met. 

Therefore I have two general thoughts...

1) Try and be more understanding, patient and positive. When he gets mad, talk to him and reason a bit. It may take a bit of time but he will consider what you say.

2) Examine yourself and see what you're brining to the table that isn't helping. Work on those things as well. If you determine you've married someone who isn’t perfect and that's where you set the bar, then you may have to take more drastic measures.


----------



## funkymonkey (Jun 3, 2013)

Thank you for the replies so far. 

First, Faithful Wife, I looked up the ADD and I don’t see that he has other symptoms. It was an interesting thought though, thank you for the suggestion. I’m not completely ruling out some form of attention issue, I’ve picked up on this from him before and I’m now 99% certain that whatever his issue is, this is why he never finished college. He has to be hyper-focused on writing tasks…like even sending a text…but he is not (to my knowledge) dyslexic, just super insecure that he is going to make an error. He also has a very mild touch of OCD…but only in that labels of things in the pantry need to be spun forward (his father was the same way and he used to joke about it before I pointed out that he does it as well) and he doesn’t to have dirty dishes in the sink…so to me, this is the best kind of OCD because I end up with a clean kitchen and well organized pantry. 

Ginger-snap, his health seems fine. In fact, he actually worked on getting into better shape during the last few months of his unemployment, and heaven knows he was getting plenty of rest. I’m actually quite jealous of his innate ability to fall asleep within seconds of his head hitting the pillow. I have to take ambien to make that happen. His daughters have this magical DNA as well. As for hobbies, his hobby is reading the news of the world…seriously…has been since he was a kid. I don’t think it affects him in any way, he just likes to be knowledgeable about world events and politics. Other than that and going out to comedy clubs with me, he doesn’t have any hobbies like tinkering with cars (I’m sure he couldn’t even change the oil) or computers, or doing any kind of craft.

3Xnocharm, I don’t think he has changed from how he was before we were married, I just think I didn’t realize how bad it was because the situations hadn’t made themselves apparent. But as time marches on and they add up, it gets more and more annoying…like the day I got a flat tire a couple miles from home and called him…he came, but he couldn’t change the tire because he didn’t know how. I had to have a stranger do it (by the way, I’m partially paralyzed…otherwise I would have done it myself). I mean…I guess I get it that you don’t know how to do it if you have never done it before…but don’t you just jump in and give it a try? That’s what I would have done (in fact the stranger stopped whe he saw me struggling with the lug nuts on the spare). There are LOTS of things I didn’t know how to do before I figured out how to do them. 

We had discussions about him taking the crummy job and had a game plan…but I’m sensing he is getting comfortable in this low pay/hostile environment and am afraid he is never going to work at leaving now that he has a paycheck (and insurance through MY job). BUT…to be fair, he IS looking, right? I just don’t personally believe he is putting in the level of effort that is necessary in today’s job market. THAT is the crux of our disagreement in this matter. I just don’t buy into the notion that “if the posting doesn’t request a cover letter, than I don’t need to write one” …I believe you MUST include one in every submission unless they LITERALLY make it IMPOSSIBLE to do so (which I have seen in some very rare instances)…otherwise you just look lazy and immediately get rejected. But hey…maybe I’m wrong. The last time I was unemployed was over 3 years ago…but I did just recently get a new job that I love…all with an online application to a posting…WITH A COVER LETTER INCLUDED even though it wasn't specifically requested in the posting. I've also helped numerous friends get jobs by assisting with their resumes and cover letters and by giving them advice on the next steps they need to take. Gahhh! 

I agree with having no respect for those who WONT work…and thankfully, that is NOT what I’m dealing with here. I do firmly believe that he undersells his capability though…evidenced by the fact that he applied for a parking lot attendant job just to “get his foot in the door” of one location he wanted to work. I’m SO GLAD they never called him. I think he is extremely insecure about going after positions for which he is actually qualified. I know I have my own insecurities as well…and man-alive did they bubble up while I was going through this recent hiring process…so I can’t imagine exactly what he is going through since his appear to be significantly deeper than my own.

Thatbpguy, I agree that he is not perfect…nobody is, and I absolutely realize I married him knowing that he is not. We have a unique relationship, compatible in many odd ways which is what drew us together…but I’m afraid these other things are causing me to second guess that…and I want to talk to him about it but deeply, DEEPLY fear saying something that will hurt him so I don’t even know how to do this delicately.

In a prior long term relationship in my early 20’s, I expressed to a boyfriend that I didn’t want to be with someone that was “content working 2 jobs for the rest of his life”…and I had that phrase thrown back in my face in EVERY ARGUMENT that followed in the 4 years after it was said. I don’t want to make that mistake again…I just don’t know how to delicately handle either telling him he needs to “man up” or just letting it all go and accept the fact that I did not marry a manly, go-getter type of guy.

And no offense to the people with 2 jobs…my point in that discussion at the time was that I wanted to both be working in jobs that allowed us to spend our off time enjoying our lives…which his 2 jobs was not allowing us to do. I want to “work to live”, “not live to work”. But I fully realize that sometimes “you gotta do what you gotta do”…my husband had 3 jobs when we first met. I don’t want him to go back to that situation as it wasn’t healthy. My hope for him is to find ONE full time position, doing something he enjoys…which is what he had prior to the layoff.

Well…that was therapeutic. Sorry for the wordy reply. :/


----------



## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> I mean…I guess I get it that you don’t know how to do it if you have never done it before…but don’t you just jump in and give it a try?


Or at least spring for a good roadside assistance club membership so you can call someone to come out and do it for you.



> And no offense to the people with 2 jobs…my point in that discussion at the time was that I wanted to both be working in jobs that allowed us to spend our off time enjoying our lives…which his 2 jobs was not allowing us to do. I want to “work to live”, “not live to work”. But I fully realize that sometimes “you gotta do what you gotta do”…my husband had 3 jobs when we first met. I don’t want him to go back to that situation as it wasn’t healthy. My hope for him is to find ONE full time position, doing something he enjoys…which is what he had prior to the layoff.


I have the exact same desire. We do have single, full-time jobs, but my husband's is so all-consuming that we don't get to live much. So, I know exactly how you feel, and my H is comfortable as well, so isn't working on trying to find something better.

Unfortunately, I don't have an answer for you. It sounds like he truly hates writing, so he does whatever he can to avoid having to do it. The only thing I could suggest is to write the cover letters for him, perhaps with his input for the points you are unfamiliar with. If he isn't willing to do that...well, then...I just don't know.

Somehow, you'll need to find a way to communicate to him, in a calm/rational manner, that your insecurity is not being able to be financially secure and enjoy life. By not putting his all into finding a solid, stable, full-time position, he is jeopardizing that security which is unsettling for you - to put it mildly.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Your question was "How do I fix this without leaving…because honestly, if we weren't married…I would have already ended this."

Buy a couple of books and have him read them. The ones most recomended on this site are "His Needs Her Needs" and "The Married Mans Sex Life Primer".

I don't know why, but spouses are sometimes more willing to believe something they read from a book rather than listen and believe their spouce.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Could part of this be that you are a Type A perfectionist? And he is not? 

It's really easy to get focused on the other person's negatives, we can develop a 'filter' where we get so over-sensitized to their weaknesses that every little thing just makes us more tense.

I think you need to sit down and communicate some things to him. A. He needs to devote a couple hours to sitting down with you this week and making up a proper cover letter and job search plan. 
Tell him that you are in this together and want to see him in the type of job he deserves. And tell him that you are majorly stressed by this issue and don't want it to cause problems between you. 

B. Tell him you appreciate the work he does around the house! Do you give him some praise regularly?


----------



## funkymonkey (Jun 3, 2013)

indiecat said:


> Could part of this be that you are a Type A perfectionist? And he is not?
> 
> It's really easy to get focused on the other person's negatives, we can develop a 'filter' where we get so over-sensitized to their weaknesses that every little thing just makes us more tense.


Yes...very much so...or that we are both type A perfectionists but in different areas...and this is one we just aren't meshing on. 

And I ABSOLUTELY agree that I am focusing on the negatives when I'm annoyed. You have hit the nail on the head with that comment.

I think I praise him enough, but I will try to pay closer attention to that. I have worked his resume and cover letter in the past, so it should be easy enough for him to modify as needed, but I will offer to tailor them to new postings as long as he can give me enough lead time to get it done. Also, I need him to ask...I can't just "do it" or else I really will feel like I'm taking control of his job search whether he wants my help or not, which is not the position I want to be in. 

I will check out the two books that were sugested by JustHer.

Thank you!


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Even if you do take 'control' of his job search, you can make is seem to him that you are working on it 'together' because you are a team!
Remember that scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the wife says she lets her husband think he is the head of the family, while she secretly knows that she is the 'neck', and that the neck can turn the head any way it wants to! It was really funny.


----------

