# Married a year with a 1 year old......blindsided.



## kran2523 (Apr 1, 2020)

Hey all - this is my first post and hoping I can find support here.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years (had a honeymoon baby!), married for a little over a year with a 1 year old. So lots have happened.

2 weeks ago he blindsided me with "we need to talk", I do not want this life anymore. Went as far to say he has never been in love with me and all he feels for me is sadness because he has blindsided me.

Little back story, him and I are best friends. I don't just say that lightly. Never fought about hobbies, money, etc. We were adventurous where we never stopped moving. Always out at breweries, traveling, etc. But in this conversation he stated that I took him away from is hobbies (cars), while I see it as priorities have changed with having a new baby and house projects. We have had intimacy issues. First year with a baby and we both are working, it takes a toll. I knew this was an "issue" but never thought we would head straight to divorce.

As the conversation went on, I noticed it was all ME ME ME I am the problem. I asked him if there is someone else, and he said he is "emotionally involved' with a coworker. He never even said her name to me before (he works in a small team of 10 and she has been there for 9 months). I find out she also recently got a divorce, no kids, for the SAME REASON. He feels as though we have no passion and never did. He confided in her and she is stroking his ego to where he has turned off all feelings for me. 

Obviously I am blindsided, we never sat down to have conversation about how this is making us feel (lack of intimacy and attention). He is not willing to go to counseling since he has made up his mind on his own without me. He is currently staying with his parents as we figure out a schedule for our son.

My mind is going crazy as to why he won't do counseling? He is 33 and I am 35.....he feels as though he never wanted to be married and put my happiness before his...again IT IS ALL ME! I feel like he is leaving because he sees the grass may be greener.

Please help with your stories or advice so I do not go crazy!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He’s just a run of the mill cheat, there’s nothing special about him. 
He’s rewriting history to justify his behavior and it’s sooo much easier to blame you than to look in the mirror and see himself for what he is. 
Contact a lawyer and look up the 180.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And a jerk, he's not even enough man to get his own place, has to go back to mommy and daddy. Good riddance! Now lawyer up and you file and visit a few of the really good ones so he doesn't have access to them. The rake his butt over the coals and get you due. Expose to his employment and HR department it time to get nasty- he's the enemy don't forget this.


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## kran2523 (Apr 1, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> And a jerk, he's not even enough man to get his own place, has to go back to mommy and daddy. Good riddance! Now lawyer up and you file and visit a few of the really good ones so he doesn't have access to them. The rake his butt over the coals and get you due. Expose to his employment and HR department it time to get nasty- he's the enemy don't forget this.


Yeah when I bring her up he’s like we were long over before I confided in her. Wow! And that if that’s the crutch I need to hold onto then do what I have to do.

he’s always been mr. perfect I just don’t think he wants to be the bad guy!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

He sounds like an immature irresponsible ahole. 

Sorry you're going through this, but in the long run it's best to find out now rather than 3 to 5 years.

Hang in there.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

kran2523 said:


> Yeah when I bring her up he’s like we were long over before I confided in her. Wow! And that if that’s the crutch I need to hold onto then do what I have to do.
> 
> he’s always been mr. perfect I just don’t think he wants to be the bad guy!


You show him who the boss is, and the picture perfect memory you had of him is gone. Remember this!! Take him down off the pedestal, and give him exactly what he wants a new life without you and your child.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry he's blindsided you this way. He is a selfish cheater, nothing special about him. He thinks his life will be so much better but I doubt it will. Because soon this woman will be the one who is "not enough" for him. Get away from him now. Save yourself. He is NOT worth your time or effort. If he's done this to you once, he'll do it again. It doesn't matter how perfect he was in the past, he's not perfect anymore and never really was. Get an STD check while you're at it. 

If the time comes that his fling with this ***** comes to an end and he comes sniffing around you again please, please be strong. Tell him to **** off, he's not worth having. 

Stay strong!!! _hugs_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like he only married you because you were pregnant. He doesn't want to settle down, yet. Better you know how immature he is now rather than later.


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## JMarie (Aug 15, 2019)

I agree with all poster’s replies. If a person can drop you like that without ever coming to you to try and work it out before hand, that’s just a selfish person that will NEVER really be happy. This new GF is a temporary fix, too. You deserve better!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Choose to not be where he left you... people who only love when it is convenient are not people we prefer in our lives.

Priorities do change with a new baby, as they should, what should not change is the promise and commitment to work hard to believe in another and adjust to the change in as healthy a way as possible.

He was not as strong as you thought and the disappointment hurts, but as you move forward be sure that even as he has left you confused, it will not be for long as the truths surface and his actions tell the real him as he is now. He may learn from this in time, but it is totally your choice how close you allow his suffering to move toward you.

Let the truth make you more aware of the troubles you have now avoided... your value is not set by his poor decisions and you and your son are not disposable as much as his unmindful desires pretend them to be.

You believe in great love and lived it, keep that faith regardless how others have abused it.

Hold your son close, love yourself more and be sure you are both legally protected in his financial responsibilities.

He has lost so much, allow him to find his karma... your presence is not required for that.


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## kran2523 (Apr 1, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> It sounds like he only married you because you were pregnant. He doesn't want to settle down, yet. Better you know how immature he is now rather than later.


I got prego after our wedding!


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## kran2523 (Apr 1, 2020)

Thanks everyone, he is trying to come here 4 nights a week to see our son. I need to set boundaries, I just don’t see how someone can walk away like this. I do want to ask direct questions to hopefully get some sort of closure where I can.


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## JMarie (Aug 15, 2019)

Well.. he has a right to see his son as often as he wants until the courts decide otherwise. 

However,!!!!! Do not cave. Do not act like it hurts even if it does. Do not ask questions. Do not give a flying f**k. 

People like that don’t deserve to see how much you love/ loved them. Just my opinion.


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## kran2523 (Apr 1, 2020)

JMarie said:


> Well.. he has a right to see his son as often as he wants until the courts decide otherwise.
> 
> However,!!!!! Do not cave. Do not act like it hurts even if it does. Do not ask questions. Do not give a flying f**k.
> 
> People like that don’t deserve to see how much you love/ loved them. Just my opinion.


We are trying to agree on it ourselves but will need a mediator I believe


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

kran2523 said:


> Hey all - this is my first post and hoping I can find support here.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 7 years (had a honeymoon baby!), married for a little over a year with a 1 year old. So lots have happened.
> 
> ...


Wow, that is so sad, I am sorry to hear that. I can't imagine the confusion and pain you are feeling now. 
Not a lot to say advice wise. If he is totally committed to leaving you and end the marriage than you can't do much. 
If you are a person of faith...pray without ceasing. 
I've also read some divorce busting tactics with advise you are better off to get on his side rather than oppose him. Do not nag and plead and beg and go on and on trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do, that is stay. Even if he gives in it kind of might be against his will and his heart may not be in it. 
Get on his side via....totally honestly sharing your heart....that you may be heart broken, you want nothing more than to have a man who is totally in love with her and committed to her, who'd would run through a wall for her and to have a loving family with a mom and dad raising their child together, it devastates you that he wants another woman and that you care for her more than you....but you want him to be happy and if this will make him happy you won't stand in his way. 

I've read that may have more affect getting him to miss you and family vs. this other woman rather than begging him and accusing him 24/7.

That is if you want to reconcile. If not then go to war. Lawyer up and go after him. 

It is so sad because it is so selfish. Marriage should be first. Boundaries should be in place. He should avoid those that he feels a slight spark with to ensure his marriage relationship thrives and he doesn't develop feelings for anyone else. Regular, open, honest communication nips things in the bud if cracks are forming vs. keeping it to yourself until the dam has burst. 
You should have someone crazy about you who is super excited to have a child together and who wants to be a family. I am so sorry you have a young child and dad wants to leave mom for someone else. 

So sorry, I wish you all the best. If he ends up leaving I hope someone even better comes along who loves you like no other.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

kran2523 said:


> married for a little over a year with a 1 year old





kran2523 said:


> I got prego after our wedding!


I guess math isn't my long suit.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can certainly ask questions but that doesn’t mean the answers are the truth. Cheaters have problems in that regard.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> He’s just a run of the mill cheat, there’s nothing special about him.
> He’s rewriting history to justify his behavior and it’s sooo much easier to blame you than to look in the mirror and see himself for what he is.
> Contact a lawyer and look up the 180.





notmyjamie said:


> I'm so sorry he's blindsided you this way. He is a selfish cheater, nothing special about him.


I think the hardest thing for me to come to terms with when my ex cheated is our relationship wasn't the amazing destined to be relationship I thought it was. We had an amazing love story, but when all was said and done, he was a cheat and a liar and nothing about how he behaved before changed that. It's a bitter pill to swallow. So despite how fantastic he was in the first 6 years, he's not that person anymore. And the relationship you had with him is over. He's ended it. 

Definitely set boundaries. If you can tolerate it, I highly suggest that he take your son to his house for his visitations. I know it's tricky with a 1-year-old. 
And as for yourself, assume that he will be selfish towards you. Cheaters have an amazing sense of entitlement and think that since they are happy you should be as well. Protect yourself from that and get a lawyer. Trust me on this. You'll be too emotionally involved.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Agree w/ everyone who says he is self-centered and get rid of him. I don't recommend trying to get revenge in the divorce process, that is usually expensive for both parties. I recommend peacefully dividing things up so you can move on quicker and w/ more of your assets.

I'm really sorry this happened to you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My guess is he liked his old life better than the new one. Better to find that out now than years down the road. Divorce gets harder the longer the marriage goes on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

kran2523 said:


> Thanks everyone, he is trying to come here 4 nights a week to see our son. I need to set boundaries, I just don’t see how someone can walk away like this. I do want to ask direct questions to hopefully get some sort of closure where I can.


Yeah don’t allow this. Set specific days and times, and have him spend time with your son away from you and the house. He doesn’t get to cheat on you and still play house! Let him know he isn’t welcome, and remind him this is all his own doing. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

kran2523 said:


> Thanks everyone, he is trying to come here 4 nights a week to see our son.


This will be bad for you emotionally.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

kran2523 said:


> Yeah when I bring her up he’s like we were long over before I confided in her. Wow! And that if that’s the crutch I need to hold onto then do what I have to do.
> 
> he’s always been mr. perfect I just don’t think he wants to be the bad guy!


So, You DO realize that he is full of crap when he said "oh we were over".... As others said, he is re-writing your marital history to justify cheating. 
He IS the bad guy -- make sure that others (family, friends, etc.) realize that he IS cheating on you (EA's are cheating). That is 100% on HIM


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## kran2523 (Apr 1, 2020)

Now it’s changed to that he doesn’t know what will make him happy. He “fell out of love with me”.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

kran2523 said:


> Now it’s changed to that he doesn’t know what will make him happy. He “fell out of love with me”.


His excuses are HIS problem, and in the grand scheme of things just don’t mean a damn thing. Take control of your life and let him go. 




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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You do realize that if y'all were long over, he would have had nothing to confide in the other woman. He gave up his vows to you and started looking for his new limerence. Maybe he was unfaithful before your marriage who knows. Others say cheater, narcissist. Sounds like it to me. Blind-sighted is horrible, but is indicative of the state of affairs in your marriage. 

Your child was a baby when they started working together. It did not take long for her to leave her marriage to be available when he left his. He will not go to counseling because he wants out. 

It is especially difficult to be where you are. Become a survivor and not the victim. The best revenge is success.


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## ashx (Apr 11, 2020)

If he had never left, do you think you would ever have been the one that wanted to leave sometime in the future? 

I can relate with your partner emotionally confiding in a coworker. In my case, it seems like he spread his worldview to her a bit, and now she's unhappy all of a sudden. Please share anything you've learned in that regard.

You sound like a very strong woman. Did this separation cause you great emotional pain? If so, how did you deal with it?


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