# How to go through wife's EA hell



## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

hi folks,

finally had the motivation to post, hitting another all time low and i feel its time to get some expert advise.

im 38 y/o, wife is 34 y/o. we got married about 12 years ago after a 3-month whirlwind romance while working overseas (southeast asia). after getting married, we went back to our country of origin and raised our 4 lovely children (the eldest from my wife's previous relationship—when she was only 15 y/o).

when i met my wife i was engaged to be married to my girlfriend of about 4 years. but when i fell in love with my wife, i went back to to my GF and told her and her family i cannot marry anymore, since i have found somebody else and will marry her instead.

i knew i have found the woman i would want to spend a lifetime with, and i never thought the shock that we are continuing to experience now will ever come to us—because my wife when she was only 5 y/o, with her older sister, lost their mother from their father's own hands because of their father's affair. their father got away with murder and raised another family with his other woman... because of this circumstance, and my wife's own teenage pregnancy, i falsely thought that we won't make the same mistakes anymore.

years go by and the burden of raising our family got the better of me. i was too focused on work and have been too stressed by it. as a result, i neglected many of my wife's emotional needs. 2 vacations that we skipped because a lot of my work got extended. many times for the last 3 years i felt too overwhelmed with work that my health deteriorated. i always felt i need to provide for my family—since we were not well off as kids and i feared for my children not getting food on the table. 

there were 2-3 instances when we accidentally bumped into my ex-GF and i made her feel unimportant when i didnt know how to properly introduce her or deal with both of them in the same room—i was totally unprepared for it and i still felt guilty for leaving my ex.. not that i still have feelings for her or i regret choosing my wife over her. 

she said i have no plans for the family. but my BIL who is a US citizen hired my wife to work for his business. my parents shouldered the legal fees so we can all go together and settle in the US, in about 1 or 2 years hopefully we can depart.. she said if we fall short financially, she's always the one that has to fill in the gap (but im the one contributing about 80% to the family budget). 

i got these accusations and grievances about 2 years ago.. 1 year and 4 months ago i learned about her EA..

several months prior we were already having minor arguments over our relationship, she seemed disconnected and even with my efforts to try to find out whats wrong with us i felt her building up a wall that continues to go higher and higher.. i got the ILYBINILWY speech (i was too dumb to know what that really meant). she said she felt lost, broken, depressed.

one early morning of april, last year, i read a text from her fone and i was shocked to read a "i love you, baby, etc".. i immediately confronted her and she said she's in love with this guy. the OM is a former HS sweetheart who is based in NY. i was too shocked and hurt and i can only ask "why?" after several days, weeks of us talking about why this happened and what can we do about it, i set it upon myself to "correct" the mistakes that she said i made.. i engaged emotionally, went to a better-planned vacation, learned to cook, worked my butt-off exercising, flowers every week at her office, EVERYTHING MAN, to make her feel loved.. i did this for 1 year, while she shifted her feelings towards me and the OM. 

i finally had the courage early this year to ask her to leave our house. i exposed to her mother, my parents and siblings. i told my 2 elder children. she stayed with her mom for about 1 month. during that time, she made several visits to stay with us (the kids stayed with me) and i felt she wanted to come back home (we made tender lovemaking, we talked, and i can feel a connection with her that i haven't felt for a long time).. on other words, i asked her to come back (too early, i now realize). but i told her she has to have NC with the other man. she agreed.

after about a week of staying with us. i gave her the NC letter that she needs to handwrite and send, and the transparency that i need. i also asked her to permanently dispose all gifts given by the OM. she refused.

again, i was devastated and i knew she's still into the affair.. i confronted her and she said she's going back home only for the kids—not for me, not for the marriage. also, during the time when i asked her to leave and when she came back she did a lot of job hunting for overseas work.. work that i felt is a jumping point for her to go to the OM. i was able to convince her to stay in our country for the sake of our children.

for about 2 months now i did a soft 180.. until tonight when i had the chance to install a new keylogger to her computer and guess what—secret email accounts with her OM and explicit fotos and s*xtalk, more i love you's and soulmate BS. 

its so F***** painful and devastating but i have to do something about it. i just want to get some help and support from you guys on how i can go through this nightmare.

i still love my wife and i want reconciliation. i want to do whatever it takes to save our marriage and keep my family intact. i plan to kick my wife out of our home again and let her stay out untill NC, transparency and a modicum of trust is restored. i plan to go nuclear on them. expose to my wife's ofc and the OM's family (he's single).. separate finances. we don't have divorce here in our country, only legal separation and annulment, both if which i will explore but the cost is too high so i have to figure that out yet.. any other advise and insight will be greatly appreciated.

thank you very much for taking the time.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

GoingThru said:


> *i still love my wife and i want reconciliation. i want to do whatever it takes to save our marriage and keep my family intact*. i plan to kick my wife out of our home again and let her stay out untill NC, transparency and a modicum of trust is restored. i plan to go nuclear on them. expose to my wife's ofc and the OM's family (he's single).. separate finances. we don't have divorce here in our country, only legal separation and annulment, both if which i will explore but the cost is too high so i have to figure that out yet.. any other advise and insight will be greatly appreciated.


And I'm sure a lot of betrayed spouses feel the same way. They want to preserve the family, and go back to the way things were before.

All I can say to this, despite sounding overly harsh and callous, is "too bad." You cannot have a marriage of one. Your wife doesn't want anything to do with you, and she made that abundantly and explicitly clear. She outright told you, in fact.

It is often said on this forum that you cannot save a marriage unless you're willing to lose it. This means two things for you - you will need to emotionally brace yourself for the possibility that you _cannot_ save the marriage. And, you must take every step you can to end the affair and end your marriage with her. Yes, you will need to end the marriage, or at least _attempt_ to, to show force her to face consequences for her actions. 

To date, you kicked her out. You exposed to her family. She started to show guilt, and you took her back without question too early, without laying down proper boundaries and rules. You were in a false R, and now she dropped the charade and isn't even pretending to R with you. Expose her affair to everyone, _right now_. Send copies of her e-mails to everyone, if you need to. Demand that she leave. Try and see what you can do in respect to separation/annulment. Yes, it may be costly, but think like of it this way - is it worth the money you will save, to stay married to a liar and a cheat who doesn't love you? _Is it?_

Stop playing her games. Dig your heels into the ground and start making choices for yourself. Not her, or your marriage; for _yourself_. Stand up for yourself.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jibril said:


> And I'm sure a lot of betrayed spouses feel the same way. They want to preserve the family, and go back to the way things were before.
> 
> All I can say to this, despite sounding overly harsh and callous, is "too bad." You cannot have a marriage of one. Your wife doesn't want anything to do with you, and she made that abundantly and explicitly clear. She outright told you, in fact.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

It was not fully clear how quickly you reacted when you found out about the EA. It is best to confront an EA ASAP. It is not about competing for attention. It is about drawaing firm and drastic boundaries as quick as possibe. Then the WS has to go full NC, go through withdrawal and then be commited to the marriage. 

But however quickly you did react, you did at some point. It may have just been too late. That said, what is said above is dead on. We cannot control others. Only ourselves. What we want we do not always get. Compromising our integrity will not do it either. So you have to be willing to let her go to have a chance for her to stay. Right now from your post she appears to be in complete selfish affair mode. The fog. Do not cater to it. make this as difficult for her as possible to pursue this. At the same time work on yourself and prepare to live your live without her.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

Jibril said:


> Stop playing her games. Dig your heels into the ground and start making choices for yourself. Not her, or your marriage; for _yourself_. *Stand up for yourself*.


just being able to talk about this to somebody is helping me, so thanks for the reply Jibril.

i agree with the higlighted portion of your advise. i need to stand up for myself, not just for our marriage or for her.

emotionally, i can accept the idea of losing our marriage in order to save it, and im bracing myself for that in the next few days/weeks.

when i told her "haven't i done everything to correct what you told me that was wrong about me?" she said "you did everything right." but for her part, she barely did anything to help me.. she is waiting for the "feeling of being in love" to go back.. she said love is a feeling and i told her no, it's a choice.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> It was not fully clear how quickly you reacted when you found out about the EA. It is best to confront an EA ASAP. It is not about competing for attention. It is about drawaing firm and drastic boundaries as quick as possibe. Then the WS has to go full NC, go through withdrawal and then be commited to the marriage.


yes, i fought for her attention when i found out about the EA. we seesawed between being okay and working things out and she being into the OM again.. that was before i knew about TAM and the proper way to deal with it. now after 3 false R's i have to have better emotional control and detachment to deal with it again. that is why i am trying to lean on as much support as i can because going through this is extremely difficult and painful..


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

GoingThru said:


> yes, i fought for her attention when i found out about the EA. we seesawed between being okay and working things out and she being into the OM again.. that was before i knew about TAM and the proper way to deal with it. now after 3 false R's i have to have better emotional control and detachment to deal with it again. that is why i am trying to lean on as much support as i can because going through this is extremely difficult and painful..


Yes. I understand. Sometimes the actions to take are counter-intuitive. I am speaking as someone who was in an EA. My wife engaged early and was able to reach me.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

GoingThru said:


> yes, i fought for her attention when i found out about the EA. we seesawed between being okay and working things out and she being into the OM again.. that was before i knew about TAM and the proper way to deal with it. now after 3 false R's i have to have better emotional control and detachment to deal with it again. that is why i am trying to lean on as much support as i can because going through this is extremely difficult and painful..


I don't doubt it. 

But, three false R's later, you're still playing soft-ball. Your still confused and lost, like a little puppy-dog trailing after your wife. 

You need to be decisive. *Forget* about your wife. You _must_ move forward. If she decides to tag along with you, then all the power to her. Nail her with the boundaries and rules you expect her to adhere to. Make it clear that she will need to do a lot of work to prove her faithfulness and earn your trust. And always, _always_ be ready to drop her if she doesn't.

And if she doesn't want to move forward with you? Then you will be a stronger, wiser and all-around _better_ man as a result of this experience. _And_, you'll be single.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

completely agree with you on there Jibril.

im going to get legal advise this week and see how i stand from there. i want to protect my kids from this, and its fallout.

i have to start preparing to expose within a week, gathering more info and backing up files.

i gave my hand and reached out to my wife numerous times, and she slapped it, every time. its time for me to give some of the pain


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

When you kick her to ILs give them the printed evidence so they know why you kicked out. Tell them she already told him he's doing all right, don't let her gaslights anyone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I sound like you are on the right path, so take your plan and work the plan. Enough is enough!

Hang in there it will be tough and you will come out the other side.

Your now wife met you and started a relationship so many years ago, even though she knew your were engaged to be married?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You seem to have your head together read the newbie thread below for more detail advice on how to deal with the affair


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> when i met my wife i was engaged to be married to my girlfriend of about 4 years. but when i fell in love with my wife, i went back to to my GF and told her and her family i cannot marry anymore, since i have found somebody else and will marry her instead.


Your brain was high on internal drugs and you threw away a relationship of 4 years for a woman with issues... 



> there were 2-3 instances when we accidentally bumped into my ex-GF and i made her feel unimportant when i didnt know how to properly introduce her or deal with both of them in the same room—i was totally unprepared for it and i still felt guilty for leaving my ex.. not that i still have feelings for her or i regret choosing my wife over her.
> 
> she said i have no plans for the family. but my BIL who is a US citizen hired my wife to work for his business. my parents shouldered the legal fees so we can all go together and settle in the US, in about 1 or 2 years hopefully we can depart.. she said if we fall short financially, she's always the one that has to fill in the gap (but im the one contributing about 80% to the family budget).


You were not giving her enough cake. 



> there were 2-3 instances when we accidentally bumped into my ex-GF and i made her feel unimportant when i didnt know how to properly introduce her or deal with both of them in the same room—i was totally unprepared for it and i still felt guilty for leaving my ex.. not that i still have feelings for her or i regret choosing my wife over her.


Well, maybe you should. 

Let me tell you what phase is going on right now. Your wife is just biding her time getting ready financially to jump ship. Plus, she is a ****ty mother who left her kids (i know plenty of cheating women and even they don't do this). 

Stop paying for her stuff shut her down and file for Divorce.



> i want to do whatever it takes to save our marriage and keep my family intact.


Understandable and commendable, but you can't do it alone.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

acabado: yes, ill do that. a few copies of their email exchanges using the secret email account. it makes my blood boil when i read those emails. my wife paints me as a monster, unbelievable.

the guy: thanks for the support. at the back of my head there was always that thought why my wife got involved with me, knowing that i was soon to be married.. but then again, why did i get involved with her in the first place? at that time, my wife and i really fell hard. i loved her then as i do now. so when i had to choose, i chose her and bowed out from my ex as honorably possible as i can. looking at it now, i think my wife has that "romantic, devil-may-care" notion about love and commitment: she got pregnant at 15, our elopement, she "falling in love" with OM. i mainly attribute this character of her as the psychological effect of her biological mother being murdered by her biological father so he can have his affair. also, within their family, its not uncommon to have "other families."

Eli-Zor: thank you, that newbie thread has been a lifeline to me, i wish i had known about how to deal with this sooner. even up to now, im still learning.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

Costa: yes, i agree, the dopamine hit.. but when it faded, i still considered myself married and never broke my vows. i told my wife recently that she was also high on this love drug when she married me but when that faded, she moved on to her next "soulmate."

ive been too good on her during her affair.. i was too devastated to fight back. too beta. time to alpha if i have to have a chance at R.

yes, i can see now that she's biding her time. my parents in the US are devastated that she can easily disregard their financial support by helping us relocate to the states. she will use my brother's work offer to jump ship to the OM to another state. my biggest concern with that scenario is what will happen to our children? i told her numerous times, i will never allow her to have custody of our kids while she's in her affair.. that is why i am getting legal advise. i want to have primary custody of our children.

thank you for your inputs, mate.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

any advise on what books i need to be chomping on? i think "Not just friends" and "married man sex life"? just want to have a better grip on my situation now, thanks.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

No More Mr Nice Guy


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

acabado: hits very close to home.. insightful, helpful.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

update: feeling extremely lousy for the past few days since discovery of WW secret email acct. been screen grabbing everything and it makes me sick to see pix of my wife in our room sent to the OM. she's "inapproriately dressed" to put it mildly. our wedding foto and bible were conspiciously missing in the background. i feel like being hit by a sledgehammer at the back of my head..


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposé it wide and far AND take everything she is wearing in those photos and dump it int the trash after cutting it up. Purge the bad brother!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GoingThru said:


> update: feeling extremely lousy for the past few days since discovery of WW secret email acct. been screen grabbing everything and it makes me sick to see pix of my wife in our room sent to the OM. she's "inapproriately dressed" to put it mildly. *our wedding foto and bible were conspiciously missing in the background.* i feel like being hit by a sledgehammer at the back of my head..


_*You have his email address. Send him a photo of the same room, perhaps with yourself in the photo, the wedding foto and bible in their usual place.*_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> _*You have his email address. Send him a photo of the same room, perhaps with yourself in the photo, the wedding foto and bible in their usual place.*_


Mooning him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I really really don't get how men and women can send nude or raunchy pics of themselves to someone who isn't their spouse. No one fears that their pics will get out somehow? What if the kids end up seeing them? What about friends and family? It blows my mind what people are capable of when they're in an affair. Its seems like sexting nudie and genitalia pics are all the rage in affairs these days.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Exposé it wide and far AND take everything she is wearing in those photos and dump it int the trash after cutting it up. Purge the bad brother!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes, ill dothat. everything that has been tainted by her affair in our house will be trashed.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I really really don't get how men and women can send nude or raunchy pics of themselves to someone who isn't their spouse. No one fears that their pics will get out somehow? What if the kids end up seeing them? What about friends and family? It blows my mind what people are capable of when they're in an affair. Its seems like sexting nudie and genitalia pics are all the rage in affairs these days.


mind-boggling mate.. i cant imagine the horror of BS whose WS did it in the marital home. i see fotos and im already seeing black.. my WW is even sexting in her office with her officemates egging them on.. and these are people who know me and my kids personally. its disgusting.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I really really don't get how men and women can send nude or raunchy pics of themselves to someone who isn't their spouse. No one fears that their pics will get out somehow? What if the kids end up seeing them? What about friends and family? It blows my mind what people are capable of when they're in an affair. Its seems like sexting nudie and genitalia pics are all the rage in affairs these days.


Exactly!! Some people are too shallow to think about the consequences of exchanging nude pictures with someone outside of marriage.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Goingthru, I'm sorry you are enduring this. Just know that "everyone" doesn't think this way, there are plenty of people who hold their marriage vows seriously and are every bit as disgusted with this behavior as you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

that's a good thing to be reminded of, iheartlife, thank you.
my WW recently said our marriage is "just a piece of paper" and that its no different from a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship (can be terminated just as easily).
most of the time i felt so sad and confused by her words and actions. but sometimes, i am the one who pity her.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, if it wasn't 'just a piece of paper' then she would be a very selfish, immoral woman indeed. It couldn't possibly be that! 

Cheaters have to justify their affairs. You may think your wife's excuses are lame, but if you read a few threads you'll find hers aren't so very out of the ordinary.

My personal favorite (from someone else): "in my mind we've been separated for years" (while of course living under the same roof, with no mention of the 'separation' to the loyal spouse).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Yup, very much like it's OK to lie on the Bible if you cross fingers behind your back


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

GoingThru said:


> yes, ill dothat. everything that has been tainted by her affair in our house will be trashed.


Don't do it in an aggressive or wild manner, she'll claim you're acting scary or worse.

Do it calmly and casually, like you would gathering the laundry or garbage bags. Slow, easy going, like a chore - which it is.

I suggest you don't even tell her you are doing it, or have done it. Let her wonder where the stuff went.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

yes calm and controlled. 
i have pulled that off as best as i can with my WW and in laws so ill continue on that attitude

actually, i plan to cleanse the house once i kick her out again. put all our marital effects in a box, redecorate a bit, refocus the house for the kids and me. 

thats the time i will put all her stuff that she leaves behind—clothes, etc—in the guest room. the items that i know that she wore for the OM, ill throw away.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

frak, still screen grabbing the pile of emails and i may have to trash *all* the underwear my wife will leave behind


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Wash whatever clothes she leaves behind in hot water then donate them.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Don't do it in an aggressive or wild manner, she'll claim you're acting scary or worse.
> 
> Do it calmly and casually, like you would gathering the laundry or garbage bags. Slow, easy going, like a chore - which it is.
> 
> I suggest you don't even tell her you are doing it, or have done it. Let her wonder where the stuff went.


I liked the BH that took his wifes stuff into the front yard, poured detergent on them and hosed them down for all the neighbors to see.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

kicking out the WW is coming to a head..

done with the pile of documenting her secret email account and all i can say is SHE HAS TURNED TO THE DARK SIDE.

how can she and her family wish that i am dead? i can understand the OM wanting me dead but my wife, my in-laws?

listening to her describe me to the OM makes me sick.. even the simple act of making a cup of coffee for me she complained about! WTF

i feel sadness, rage, relief at the same time..


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Make copies of those emails and send them to your lawyer. Try to get a restraining order on your wife and her family?

Affair got physical?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry you're going thru this. In retrospect, I guess you're thinking you should have married the woman that you were engaged to instead of falling for this woman. She knew you were engaged to another woman, and now you're seeing she has no morals at all. After all, she was the OW in your original relationship, and ended up marrying this OW. The old adage is true, if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. It just took a little longer than most. There's a reason only 3% of affair relationships make it. 

Its time for you to go NC with your WW and her enabling family.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

EA only (though lots of virtual sex), OM is in USA. my WW and I are here in Asia.

will definitely furnish copy of emails to lawyer.

..they haven't really made any threats, just "wishful thinking" that i should "die," "evaporate," "fall into a manhole," "be gone," but still.. i have to protect myself.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If she's that unhappy, why not just divorce you? 

Is she just biding her time to get the most $$ out of you that she can?


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

lordmayhem: yes, i learned that the hard way. in hindsight, knowing what i know now, i think i will simply call off the engagement and not commit to EITHER of them. i should have dealt with my issues first (questions like "why can i 'easily' break my engagement vows? what do i really want from marriage?")


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

Will_Kane: we have no divorce in our country, only annulment and legal separation. im looking into filing an annulment case. would take years and lots of money but its the best option. 

i think she's biding her time and letting things float along until she can go to the OM. 

its strange that a few weeks before im still willing to R but now im feeling the best way for me to go through this is to walk away from the marriage.


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## GoingThru (Jul 14, 2012)

update:

i confronted my WW with all the email evidence and told her to leave our house immediately. she easily complied. she wanted out anyway because she re-applied for an overseas job offer. she should be out of our country by september.

my MIL, and BIL were at our house to pick her up and we had a family meeting. i explained my reasons why im kicking her out again, showed the evidence, even the most uncomfortable ones (the explicit fotos, even their wish that i'm better off dead).

my eldest child (from my wife's 1st relationship)wants to stay with my MIL while my WW is overseas. she's fully on her mom's side and is quite upset with me for kicking her mom out. i told her i hope she will understand why i had to do it and that she's welcome to stay with us anytime. i will continue to support her financially. the 3 younger kids are staying with me. the 2 youngest boys are not aware of the exact reason why their mom is leaving, only that she is getting a new job overseas.

i have an idea what my WW story will be when she's overseas: im the villanous ex, were separated, here are my four lovely children whom i have sacrificed so much for by working far away from them, and here is my loving, supportive, perfect boyfriend. 

and i dont give a sh**

ill give myself and my kids the very best that life has to offer.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Good riddance


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## piggyoink (Apr 10, 2012)

which country is this?


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