# Desperately need some advise



## James516 (Apr 13, 2015)

I am a male in my late 40's and have been married for 25 years and have two wonderful kids. My dilemma is my wife and I have not slept in the same bedroom or had intercourse for well over a decade. This all started immediately after our last child was born. It has been almost that long since we even kissed each other, she pulls away when I try. She tells me that she loves me but I find it hard to believe. I have a good job and make good money, do most of the cooking, cleaning, and all of the yard work. For her birthday, I get up before her and decorate the house with balloons, etc. and try to make her feel special. I try to do things like that all of the time for her. I am very active and in great shape and have been told I am attractive, I just don't what the problem is and want to fix it. I feel like I have a third child. She has also spent us into bankruptcy about five years ago and is on the way to doing it again to her self (I since separated our financial lives and have rebuilt my credit). If it weren't for my kids I would have left her long ago. I would greatly appreciate any advise.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Does she have history of childhood sexual abuse?

have you been "too nice a guy" 

did she have an affair?


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## James516 (Apr 13, 2015)

I am not aware of any sexual abuse, she is very close to her dad and didn't have any brothers or male relatives around when growing up. I could live without the sex, she doesn't even share a bed with me. She told me that I don't snore so I know its not that. 

I guess I am nice but If I don't cook the kids wont eat and if I don't do the dishes they will pile up until I end up doing it anyway. 

I did ask her if she is having an affair, she said no. I believe her since she is always home or with the kids.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

James516 said:


> I am not aware of any sexual abuse, she is very close to her dad and didn't have any brothers or male relatives around when growing up. I could live without the sex, she doesn't even share a bed with me. She told me that I don't snore so I know its not that.
> 
> I guess I am nice but If I don't cook the kids wont eat and if I don't do the dishes they will pile up until I end up doing it anyway.
> 
> I did ask her if she is having an affair, she said no. I believe her since she is always home or with the kids.


Talk to her and ask her why she doesn't want to be a wife, sleep in the same room, etc


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Is she suffering from depression? Have you ever talked with about this stuff?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Have you come to a place where you're ready to consider what you've been doing may have contributed to your predicament? 

Now, I'm not saying she's had no part in this. I'm saying that if you want things to change, you'll have to change the way you've been doing things. You can only control your behaviors, you can't control hers. 

Browse some readings. See some other thoughts...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

No More Mr Nice Guy

The Way of the Superior Man

Are you the one that left the bedroom?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Part of the marriage vows is "to have and to hold... forsaking all others" which is a euphemism for "monogamous sexual relationship".

The marriage vows are broken by chronic sexlessness.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Wow assuming you haven't cheated, that's a long time to go without sex. It sounds like you have been a good husband and Dad and she is depressed, and maybe cheers herself up with shopping and/or isn't in love with you/not attracted to you. I would suggest getting counseling, she needs it and you need it as a couple.

If she doesn't want to get help then I guess she doesn't care if your marriage continues, so when the children are out of the house divorce her if she hasn't changed, which I assume she won't after all of these years.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

So, you have 3 kids to take care of. 

What exactly is she contributing to this "marriage"?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

James516 said:


> I did ask her if she is having an affair, she said no. I believe her since she is always home or with the kids.


While I don't really suspect anything from your description of the situation, the first things you learn here is that all cheaters will deny, deny, deny during a cold confront (without evidence, phone bills, voice recordings, etc) and cheaters are amazing at making the time to cheat


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

James put a voice activated recorder in the house and one in her car just to rule out any funny stuff.
No sex for a decade?
How did you do it.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

James516 said:


> It has been almost that long since we even kissed each other, she pulls away when I try. She tells me that she loves me but I find it hard to believe.


Impossible to believe, actually. I'd go so far as to say she doesn't even like you.

Don't go crazy looking for affair partners. Even if there is one, it's not the problem.


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## James516 (Apr 13, 2015)

I have tried to talk to her but she will not respond. I have tried everything with no success; she refuses to go to couples counseling with me. It's been over a decade since we even kissed, the thought of living the rest of my life like this is very depressing. Maybe she had an affair in the past and just fell out of love with me.


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## James516 (Apr 13, 2015)

I absolutely have come to that realization but just don't know what to do to turn things around, maybe it's too late.


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## James516 (Apr 13, 2015)

What do I do now, divorce her and ruin my children's childhood for my own selfish needs? If it weren't for my kids I would have left a long time ago. I miss being intimate with her or anyone for that matter, its been a long time.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

James516 said:


> I absolutely have come to that realization but just don't know what to do to turn things around, maybe it's too late.


It might be too late. It might not. 

Read the books I linked for you earlier. You can find a strategy there. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll know how not to let others dictate your happiness. 

Best


BTW, I'm not an advocate of divorce, but what do you think your children are learning about marriage and relationships watching you and you wife? Sleeping in separate rooms? Unhappy and cowering to her behaviors?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> It might be too late. It might not.
> 
> Read the books I linked for you earlier. You can find a strategy there. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll know how not to let others dictate your happiness.
> 
> ...


Kids generally get it when parents divorce. My kids were relieved when their mother left me. 
End to the fighting in front of them.


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