# Help needed to save my marriage from what I think is midlife crisis



## Jayeff (Nov 10, 2009)

Hi 

Could anyone help guide me in the right direction into helping me get my marriage back on track please. I have been married to my wife for 23 years and we met 2 years earlier. My wife is 43 and I am 44. 
We have 2 children aged 18 and 21 ( the 21 year old still lives at home ) 
Our marriage has always been loving and enjoyable. We rarely argue and when we do she says I don't listen to her side of the story which I know now is wrong . Our sex life was good too ( twice a week ) 

On Monday 20 th July 2009 my wife stunned me by telling me she has lost the spark and is no longer in love with me. I was stunned and shocked to the core. We have tried to work at it, I thinking everything was on the mend til a week or 2 down the line she would say its still not right. I decided in September to have a week away in Turkey. My wife was very loving but 2 nights before the end of the holiday blew her top ( alcohol was involved too ) saying she still has no spark for me. 

Since returning from that holiday My Wife moved out to her Mothers for 1 week the her brothers for 2 weeks whilst he was on holidays. She returned home apprehensively. Some days she was closed until i started chatting about everyday things avoiding our situation. We have been to Relate Marriage Councilling but she kept closed and the councilor wanted to do a one on one session with her the week after. 
After our session I asked her how she felt and she says the same , and will not go to the one on one session so I asked her to move out of our home to have the space i mustn't have gave her. She is now at her mothers. 

I asked her do you think our marriage is over and she said YES 

I did the terrible thing of rummaging through her bag and found a letter she had wrote it read 

I look at Him and think you look great, he has lost so much weight and looks so toned yet my feelings still feel the same ! why am I such a heartless *****? He looks at me and just wants loving which we always have had but now I don't have any of that in me. He wants me to hug him so he feels loved and the ***** can't even do that !!! 
I know in my heart of hearts I will never find anyone who loves me more than he does, He has always well always treated me like a queen, he has given me such a good life, so why why can't I love him anymore ??? 
He deserves so much more than me. I saw him last night come to bed and he looked so broken, where did this person inside me come from ? I know i haven't been happy for a long time now but why has it come now ? I would like to stop him hurting because he is and always will be my best friend in the world.... I am so heartless. 

When She moved out yesterday I thanked her for the best 25 years in my life and said I would move her back home if she eventually see's our life getting back on track. 
I looked into he eyes and said I know we are over but I still have hope for us. 

I have been to the doctors about myself because I cannot cope with my loss. I am on anti depressants for 6 weeks. 

I intend to not text or phone her for a while so she can have her space and hopefully miss me. She has taken with her a picture of us and 3 love letters that I wrote within the last few weeks. 

Could you please give me some advice on hopefully repairing our marriage. Ps I am 100% certain no third party is involved.

I would be so grateful


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

To whom do you think the letter was written? She told someone else that he looks great. There *is* someone else. She didn't get the nerve up to confront you with no one in reserve. 

In the mean time, get yourself into counseling and learn what it is that you did wrong this time around. Best of luck.


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## Jayeff (Nov 10, 2009)

Me I removed my name, I have dropped from 15st to 12,11 and been working out at the gym hence her comments


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## Jayeff (Nov 10, 2009)

Sorry...She wrote the letter about her own thoughts which she does now and again


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I read what you wrote and wondering why you feel she is having a mid life crisis as opposed to wanting a divorce.
Are you even sure she wrote that recently?

I don't know if you can do anything to make someone love you and want to be with you. It will help though to get counseling along with the medicationto help you cope better with her moving out, in the event she is not wanting to come back, so you can cope with it
and be ok.


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## Jayeff (Nov 10, 2009)

I know in my heart she is confused and she has admitted it. One day she wants to do the house up and then the next its only bricks and mortar. She wrote this 2 weeks ago and I know she doesn't want a divorce. Just a break and space. I am thinking patience and play hard ball must be my next step


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Jayeff said:


> I know in my heart she is confused and she has admitted it. One day she wants to do the house up and then the next its only bricks and mortar. She wrote this 2 weeks ago and I know she doesn't want a divorce. Just a break and space. I am thinking patience and play hard ball must be my next step


Hoefully thats all it is and not a brain tumor or something along those lines of a physical medical problem. I went through menapause and it didn't make me leave my husband or get confused if I wanted to be married.


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## Jayeff (Nov 10, 2009)

It is a strange one preso, She says she loves me but it feels a switch in her head has told her she is no longer IN LOVE with me. She said she has had the unhappiness for nearly 2 years !!! Our Daughter gave birth aged 16 2 years ago and our Son tried to commit suicide last Janruary and I asked her has any of these traumas played a part and she says NO. I have read quite a bit off the internet and plan not to keep asking her back , calling or texting her,promising change and not making her guilty about our breakdown. I must also take care of myself to get mentally strong because at this present time My Wife feels we are over yet still insists on us wearing our wedding rings which is confusing me big time.
I regard myself as a confident good looking guy and my Wife is very pretty but we have both never been with a different person. We broke each others virginity and to be totally honest I love the opposite sex but I only want my Wife


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You don't take off your wedding bands until you are no longer married. At least she feels that way. (That's positive.)

She needs therapy to deal with what she's been through with the kids. She probably feels like a failure at being a mother and a wife.

She doesn't understand how much her children have hurt her and how it can spill over into other areas. So I think she's wrong on this part.

It might be helpful to suggest counseling about those items to help alleviate some of the OTHER pain in her life and to suggest dealing with the marriage after that. She is in so much pain she can't prioritize or think straight.


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## Jayeff (Nov 10, 2009)

I think you are right but at this time she is in denial so I need to give her time to reflect. She has always said our son has hurt her so bad but now he seems to be maturing and has been there for both of us. Thank you for your wisdom and lets hope time can heal as well as love


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Would it be completely out of left field for your son to talk to her about the pain he's caused and to ask if she'd consider therapy?


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## Jayeff (Nov 10, 2009)

You do have a good point because they do seem to be bonding better. I have always been too soft on our children and maybe she resents me for this I don't know. I have not been in contact with my wife for a week now and plan to keep my distance and wait for her contact. She said last week before she left, that she would like Christmas dinner at our home with just the 4 of us which I thought to be very nice


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Jayeff: I am in the same boat with you brother it is pure hell. Read my past posts and you will most likly see a mirror image of your relationship. I resently read "How to survive your wifes midlife crisis"
I think it can be found at pathpartners.com. It explains what they are going thru how you fit in or out of the picture and how you should handle the situation. My wife somedays seems like she has been abducted by some being from another planet. Then somedays looks like she is defeated. I do find with me the more space i give the closer she wants to be. With that said she is out of town and I have not heard from her in a week. She is with her mom, I have spoke to her mom just to check to see if she is ok. She knows something is wrong with her but will not let me offer any help of any kind. She is severly depressed and I think it is because of a underlieing condition that has been passed over by her dr.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Jayeff: I just reread your posts and it is like our wives read the book before they decided to do this to us. My wife has told me she is leaving me but not till our daughter finishes high school in June. Then a couple weeks ago tells me she will not leave till our son finishes high school in five years. I have told her if she wants a divorce tell me and i will set up the mediation. I will not make the decition she has to. I called he one day and told her what dates they had open and it would be done in five weeks. She said no.
I got upset a two weeks ago and said I needed time to thing and i would be back in two days. She emailed me and waqnted to know what she did to make me so mad. I said the 7 months of pure hell thats what!!! Mide you since the end of june she has been up at her moms a total of 3 months and is there now for a month and will go back for two weeks a christmas. And I am the bad guy for taking two days. I have told her I would move heaven and earth to save our marriage all she needs is to say so. The only thing she has said lately is when I asked if she was staying for 5 more years than lets work on us and her reply was I can not till I fix me!!


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## thanksbutnothanks (Oct 11, 2010)

Hi, I've just read thru these posts, searching for clues to my own issues. I am both of your wives! Same story almost exactly, except that I do love my husband very much and I have not told him about these terrible feelings. I've been in counseling for 2 1/2 years now because of several things - anxiety came up bigtime seemingly out of the blue one day; dr. says I have been (subconsciously) "mad at" my husband for many years, and I had a flashback to some sort of sexual abuse in my very early childhood. So I started counseling, thinking I would address all my issues and then I'd be done and could move on.

I thought continuing the counseling would eventually bring me out of all the anxiety, which it has to some extent, but now I feel like all the layers and masks have been taken off, and I'm left feeling like I want to be alone and don't love my husband. Some days anyway. Other days, I feel almost like my old self. Some days I want to leave, move away ---not divorce or even separate - just be gone somewhere, I don't know where. I don't know who I am now, don't know what I want, it fluctuates---life just seems to go by in a blur - I don't want to be with my H or his family or friends. Don't even want to be with my own friends, old activities, church etc. I'm NOT depressed, as you might think, although I do still have anxiety, just in this horrible, stuck, nightmarish place that I cannot will myself out of.

I keep the house up ok, do the things I have to do, just wait for the days to go by. And I'm about to turn 63 this month, so I really don't have time to waste. Just simply can't pull myself out of this. My dr. can't or won't put a name on this thing, but he continues to tell me that when I resolve this, I'll be better than I ever was in my whole life. Stronger, clearer, have direction, etc. I have hope, but really don't know what the outcome of this will be, and I'm so scared. I know I'm putting my H thru hell although I don't bring up to him how I feel about him. I continue to hug and kiss him and I really deeply love him, I just have these awful feelings I can't control....feelings like maybe we should separate. And at the same time, I want to grow old with him! I feel like two different people!

Is this menopause? I have no idea - thought I was through that years ago. Is this a midlife crisis? Thought I had that several years ago when this all started and I went into counseling. I am working so hard to unravel all this and wait it out and just hope my H will be there when I emerge, if I emerge. Just wanted to give you sad husbands some of the 'other' side, hoping it will help you to know some of what it feels like from my side. I am going through Hell.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm wondering if the sudden change in your wife's feelings might be related to your youngest turning 18? For the past 21 years, she's been "mom" and now, both her babies are grown. She might be trying to figure out who she is now and how she's supposed to feel and act. From her letter, even she knows intellectually that something's not right with the way she "feels". She could be suffering from depression. I think the course you have taken is a wise one. Try not to be too discouraged. You've kept it together for over two decades and there's no indication that any 3d party is involved. I'm not a shrink but there has to be some emotional price to pay when a mother transitions from living totally to raise kids to having an empty nest. I realize even your 21 year old still lives at home but there's a lot of symbolism attached to having your youngest turn 18. She has no more "kids" to raise.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

*I look at Him and think you look great, he has lost so much weight and looks so toned yet my feelings still feel the same ! why am I such a heartless *****? He looks at me and just wants loving which we always have had but now I don't have any of that in me. He wants me to hug him so he feels loved and the ***** can't even do that !!! *
*I know in my heart of hearts I will never find anyone who loves me more than he does, He has always well always treated me like a queen, he has given me such a good life, so why why can't I love him anymore ??? *
*He deserves so much more than me. I saw him last night come to bed and he looked so broken, where did this person inside me come from ? I know i haven't been happy for a long time now but why has it come now ? I would like to stop him hurting because he is and always will be my best friend in the world.... I am so heartless.*
:iagree:I so relate to her letter. I am in exact situation with my H of 18 yrs., 12 married. Not sure it's midlife crises but that I've grown in different way. Outlook and needs different. My H gives me the world and I feel heartless I cannot do the same back and he so deserves that. No answers for you. Sorry. Wish it wasn't so hurtful and if she if feeling like I do right now, it's a like a vicious wheel and we can't stop it, slow it down, and it's sucking us deeper and deeper into a black hole. For me, feel the best way to 'stop or get out' is to go down with it and leave my H at the top of hole so he can move on. If makes sense. Good luck to you.


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