# Two Months In....



## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

Well it's been a while since I wrote anything. I'm two months into the separation. I've found out a LOT in the past couple months that have caused me a great deal of pain. 

I don't know what kinds of stages there are when it comes to this sort of thing, but I'm getting to the point where I'm confused as to what I want. I told my husband that I wasn't sure if I wanted him to come back now. He told me on Christmas Eve that he wasn't sure if he wanted a divorce and that he missed me and my son, and I told him that I didn't know anymore. He'd hurt me sooo bad, and the trust is gone, so I'm not sure what to do. Part of me wants to stick with it and wait to see if he decides he wants to work on things, or if I want to just let him go and move on. I'm unsure of my feelings. I told him that even if he said he wanted to come back, I wouldn't let him right away, and that we have a long road ahead of us. I used to want him to beg me to come back, but now I really don't know. Is my confusion normal? Long story short, kind of a recap, he moved out two months ago because he said he wanted to "find himself" and that we didn't have anything in common and he needed space. Well, during this time, I found out that he had a female friend (I never approved of their relationship from the beginning, it was inappropriate) that some minor things happened between. He still hangs out with her all the time, even though I told him if he wanted to be with me and work this out she'd have to go. He said that while we're separated he would hang out with whoever he wanted to, but if he decided he wanted to try to work on the marriage again, he'd quit talking to her. My question is, how long should I wait? It still hurts to know that he's spending so much time with her, even though he said that nothing else has or will happened and that the first thing was a mistake in the first place. (No, not sex) But anyway, I really am confused, and if anyone's been at my stage before, it'd be nice to hear how you dealt with it. I've been keeping myself occupied, took up some hobbies (bought a kickbag and boxing gloves to relieve the stress-works really well), and ventured out with friends. I'm getting through this well, but I'm still jealous and upset and hurt. I would just like some advice on what I should do. Should I wait? Should I end it? After I found out what happened between them I said "divorce", and he agreed. Now he's not so sure. I just don't know.


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

Just giving my thoughts, not saying right or wrong.

As I see it, it's all about faith and trust. Do you think you can trust your feelings to him again? I realize it's not something that comes on and off like a light switch.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's good that you have taken up new hobbies and are trying to keep youself busy.

He is currently out of the house. That is good considering he still has the same behaviors as he did when he lived there.

I would consider going no contact until he comes to the conclusion that he wants back into the marriage full-time with you and only YOU!

At that point, give it a few months of no contact. Then...end it. Tell him when you go no contact and you will give him a few months to figure things out (whatever deadline you feel comfortable with). Then, stick to it and move on.

Don't go in limbo land for too long. You can't change their mind. Control things that you know how to-you.


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

This is going to sting....but the relationship with the OW didnt work out for him...and he doesnt want to be alone. So basically, he's placing you in 2ND PLACE. You will never trust him again. You'll never communicate fully cause you'll be on egg shells about him being on another meat hunt when things get rough. Your husband, most likely from examples I read, does not respect u and will most likely cheat on you again. :0(


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

Thanks for all the advice. What happened between them was a kiss, and they held hands. I know it sounds very juvenile, but it broke my heart nonetheless. Anyway, he told me that they decided the next day that it was a mistake and that he told her they couldn't be more than friends anyway. Not saying that I'm excusing the behavior, because I'm not. I was and am still hurt by it. I'm just having problems deciding on whether or not I can trust him, or do I even want him anymore? A part of me is still very much in love with him, but the other part is so betrayed, I'm not sure if love is enough, you know?


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## endymion (Oct 1, 2009)

Will you ever REALLY trust him again? If you can work that out, it'll help any decision. I'm dealing with the same situation at the moment, and every time I think of the betrayal I get spikes of anger. I can't get back into my old relationship with that happening - there would be no point. 
So I'm working on deciding if it's something I can get past, and if it's something I should get past. Even a kiss is still a pretty big step, when it comes to tearing down the walls of wedding vows.
It's not easy, but make sure you take care of yourself and your own feelings first. Anything else is besides the point.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

He's still trying to juggle you and the OW.

Here's the thing, he's discovered he doesn't like the OW as much as he liked you. But he's scared that if he makes a play to come back to you it will fail, and if that happens, he won't even have the OW around anymore because she will be pissed at him for trying to go back to you. 

I don't think that you are his "second best" option, you're his "first option", it's just that he's royally screwed himself by the course of action he has taken.

I think you have a very strong hand you can play here, if you want to. And I think you want to deep down, yes you're hurt and angry, but I think you still love and want him.

(1) You tell him that you know you're his #1 choice because he's asking to come back. If it was all hot sex and love with the OW, he wouldn't be asking permission to bail on her. (2) Tell him marriage obviously isn't going to work if he has "backup women" in the background. If he wants to work on the marriage, he needs to drop her. No contact, no nothing. (3) Working on the marriage will happen with marriage counseling. (4) He needs to drop the OW _before _starting marriage counseling / coming back to you. (5) You need to hear a heartfelt apology.

You just keep on, keeping on with your fitness and improving yourself as best you can. Maybe he'll agree, maybe he won't, but I think you have an above average chance to fix things here.

Also you need to find out what it was that you were doing (or not doing) to him that was the weak spot in meeting his needs that lead to him starting this relationship up in the first place. He's obviously made some bad choices here, and you may very well have been a perfect wife in every way, but usually we have something that we could have done better that might have influenced things more positively.


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

Atholk said:


> He's still trying to juggle you and the OW.
> 
> Here's the thing, he's discovered he doesn't like the OW as much as he liked you. But he's scared that if he makes a play to come back to you it will fail, and if that happens, he won't even have the OW around anymore because she will be pissed at him for trying to go back to you.
> 
> ...



We've talked about most of the stipulations that you mentioned. He refuses marriage counseling. I would like him to go, but that is something I'm not sure he'd budge on. He's not up for the idea of talking to a complete stranger about our problems. He barely talks to anyone, so I'm not sure it would help, because I doubt he'd talk to them anyway. As far as the OW, he knows how I feel and he knows that if we are going to end up working on the marriage, she needs to go. He said once he's ready to start trying again (he's still trying to figure out if he wants to or not), then he'd end the friendship. He'll still see her and talk to her because they work together, but as far as the after-hours texting and time they spend together, that's all gone. Right now I'm just in limbo though because I'm not sure what he wants to do. I've been doing some serious soul-searching, because I wasn't sure if I still wanted him as my husband or just didn't want him to be with her. I came to the conclusion that I'm afraid to take him back. I honestly feel that there is nothing going on between them anymore other than close friends, but my fear is that he'll hurt me again. He'll lie about talking to her, ignore me, all the stuff that he's been doing to hurt me will all happen again. And that's what I can't handle. I can't stand the thought of being cast aside again. When I think about him moving back in, I actually get stressed out at the thought, because I imagine sitting on the couch, getting ignored while he texts her, or staying home while he goes out to a club with her and I'm not invited, or whether he's going to lunch with her since he doesn't have lunch with me anymore. All these things have happened, and worse, and I can't live like that again. I'm finally doing better, finally doing my own thing, and I don't know if I can handle the heartache again. I quit texting him unless I need to talk to him about our son, I don't call him, don't ask him to go do anything anymore. I've quit initiating any contact unless absolutely necessary. I was tired of being rejected by him. Lately he's been texting me a little more. The other day I told him I was done because I didn't deserve to be treated this way, and later that night he started texting me just to see what I was up to. We ended up talking about everything and pretty much started back at square one, where he doesn't know what he wants. Anyway, I guess I'll figure things out soon. I think I'm at my limits, but every time I feel that way, something makes me push them further.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Your options basically come down to two. (1) Just say "no thanks" and move on and find a new life and love for yourself. (2) Have him come back, but with different expectations of his behavior.

You definitely hold the majority of the cards right now. You can safely offer him an ultimatum between (1) or (2) with the requirements of (2) spelled out in detail.

It's really not up for debate whether he feels "up to" anything. It's either comply with all the demands in (2), or you'll go option (1). As long as you are happy with either outcome, then you win either way, and can move ahead.


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

Well, an update, to say the least. Husband wants to try to work things out. He's not moving back in yet, but ditched the girl and is already planning stuff for us to do together. We're taking it slow though, and going to try to find new things that we enjoy doing together.


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## Hurtssomuch (Jan 2, 2010)

I hope everything works out for the 2 of you. 

It brings hope to the rest of us.

Good Luck!!!!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hang in there, someone else said it gives us all hope and they are right. Nice to see something positive come out of this story, take it real slow and make him come to you a little and be happy he does........
work on the things that were wrong and don't worry about the past ........keep us posted


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