# SuddenlySeekingSolace



## SuddenlySeekingSolace

Hello to all. I’m coming here because I’m in a dilemma.

I’m 28 and have been married for 5 years but together for 7. We have two children together and he’s in the military. 

We met in the military but I chose to get out as we started a family. My husband has cheated multiple times and I stayed because honestly I didn’t want a broken home.

And of course, I love him. Over the years, with us moving constantly, it’s been hard to secure a job and daycare was too expensive for two children. 

We decided I would stay home until one of the children could attend school. During this time, I gained a lot of weight. Maybe 40 pounds post military. He’s told me he’s not attracted to big women constantly and I’ve tried to lose it. 

Multiple attempts in fact. I lose the weight and then gain the weight, while he constantly cheats and I take him back. I don’t trust him. He doesn’t wear his ring. 

He said, “I don’t need a ring to be committed”. I told him it bothers me and he gets upset. He told me “ why does it take me cheating on you for you to change”. Every time he cheats I try to do better with showing him attention or trying to cater to him. 

With all this being said, I feel like he doesn’t understand how hard it is to be a stay at home mom trying to cater to him as well at the children. 

He works, that’s it. I take care of everything but it’s never good enough for him. He feels entitled or he feels like I “owe” him. I’ve sacrificed my dreams and my chance of having a career to follow him while he’s in the military. I feel like my life is on hold while he’s continuously succeeding. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I feel like I deserve more. I want more. I want to be loved unconditionally whether my weight fluctuates or not. 

I want to be encouraged not brought down. Especially for something or the things he done. He blames the cheating on me. And he says I’m not driven enough. There’s so much more to life and I want to be happy. 

My question is: Do I stay in this marriage? It’s hard for me to trust him. I don’t want a broken home but I feel like it’s already broken. Advice?


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## Violet28

The real question is why are you accepting this behavior from him?


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## Mr.Married

SuddenlySeekingSolace said:


> He told me “ why does it take me cheating on you for you to change”. Every time he cheats I try to do better with showing him attention or trying to cater to him.


You reward him for cheating on you?

Think about that .... positive reinforcement for bad behavior.


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## MattMatt

You don't want a broken home?

Sadly that is exactly what your horrible husband has given you.

He doesn't find larger women attractive? 

That's too bad because nobody finds a cheater like your husband attractive.

Time you saw a lawyer to defend the best interests of you and you children.


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## She'sStillGotIt

I'm not going to launch into a 5 paragraph diatribe about what a loser this guy is and how co-dependent you are because you've continually swallowed your pride in order to cling to him like grim death. As the others have said, he's kicked you in the face numerous times and you *reward *him whenever he does it.

It was time to leave YEARS ago and I think deep down, you know that.


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

I don’t have much of a response because I know your speaking truth. My whole life will change and I’m scared of what the future holds for me and my children. Thanks for your help.


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

Violet28 said:


> The real question is why are you accepting this behavior from him?


 That’s the same questions I ask myself.


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## Mr.Married

Maybe he will reward you with an STD.


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm not going to launch into a 5 paragraph diatribe about what a loser this guy is and how co-dependent you are because you've continually swallowed your pride in order to cling to him like grim death. As the others have said, he's kicked you in the face numerous times and you *reward *him whenever he does it.
> 
> It was time to leave YEARS ago and I think deep down, you know that.


You’re right. It is time to go. I’ve always been afraid to be on my own and that’s part of the reason I stayed. There’s so much more to life than this. I’ve never talked to anyone about all of this knowing they would judge or ridicule me. BUT, this has been a stress reliever and eye opener to hear others opinion. Thank you.


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## Mr.Married

SuddenlySeekingSolace said:


> knowing they would judge or ridicule me. .


Sounds like those people aren't real friends. A real friend can tell you your mistakes without judge or ridicule.


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

Mr.Married said:


> Maybe he will reward you with an STD.


I appreciate your opinion. As women, we put up with a lot of “ish” for our children’s happiness. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve done this for years. He’s a great father but a terrible husband. A lot of men don’t know what us women go through for our children’s sake. I know the risks of staying with him.


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## farsidejunky

SuddenlySeekingSolace said:


> I appreciate your opinion. As women, we put up with a lot of “ish” for our children’s happiness. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve done this for years. He’s a great father but a terrible husband. A lot of men don’t know what us women go through for our children’s sake. I know the risks of staying with him.


The best thing a man can do for his children is love their mother.

SSS, having spent twenty years in the Army, I know the rampant infidelity within the social circles of the military. He has no interest in changing, and the opportunities will never stop presenting themselves.

If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting. 

This may seem harsh, but why do you love yourself so little?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort

You already have a broken home.

You just don't want to accept it, so you tell yourself it's for the kids....when in reality its because you dont want to make hard choices.

You don't value yourself so why would he value you? You've presented yourself as one of little value who's desperate to keep him.

That's the real question....why do you think you have so little value?


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

lifeistooshort said:


> You already have a broken home.
> 
> You just don't want to accept it, so you tell yourself it's for the kids....when in reality its because you dont want to make hard choices.
> 
> You don't value yourself so why would he value you? You've presented yourself as one of little value who's desperate to keep him.
> 
> That's the real question....why do you think you have so little value?[/QUOTE
> That’s a valid question. I honestly don’t know why.


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## Mr.Married

SuddenlySeekingSolace said:


> lifeistooshort said:
> 
> 
> 
> You already have a broken home.
> 
> You just don't want to accept it, so you tell yourself it's for the kids....when in reality its because you dont want to make hard choices.
> 
> You don't value yourself so why would he value you? You've presented yourself as one of little value who's desperate to keep him.
> 
> That's the real question....why do you think you have so little value?[/QUOTE
> That’s a valid question. I honestly don’t know why.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The response your having is not an uncommon one so don't believe something is wrong with you. Your like many people that resign to their situation
> just to keep the peace and not face the war. The problems is this will slowly erode everything inside of you. You just have to get the the point
> where you can understand that you *CHOOSE* not to do this to yourself anymore....and let the building begin. It's tough and no person here doubts that.
Click to expand...


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

Mr.Married said:


> SuddenlySeekingSolace said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> lifeistooshort said:
> 
> 
> 
> You already have a broken home.
> 
> You just don't want to accept it, so you tell yourself it's for the kids....when in reality its because you dont want to make hard choices.
> 
> You don't value yourself so why would he value you? You've presented yourself as one of little value who's desperate to keep him.
> 
> That's the real question....why do you think you have so little value?[/QUOTE
> That’s a valid question. I honestly don’t know why.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The response your having is not an uncommon one so don't believe something is wrong with you. Your like many people that resign to their situation
> just to keep the peace and not face the war. The problems is this will slowly erode everything inside of you. You just have to get the the point
> where you can understand that you *CHOOSE* not to do this to yourself anymore....and let the building begin. It's tough and no person here doubts that.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Thank you Mr.Married,
> Everything you’ve said has been helpful. I really need to do some soul searching and move forward with getting a divorce. I deserve better and I know it. Throughout the years of being with him I’ve lowered my standards and self value. To be the best version of me, I need to move forward. Thank you.
Click to expand...


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## jlg07

"I want to be encouraged not brought down. Especially for something or the things he done. He blames the cheating on me. And he says I’m not driven enough. There’s so much more to life and I want to be happy. "

Just to be clear YOU are NOT AT ALL responsible for his cheating -- that is on him 100%. PLEASE do not blame yourself for any of that.

He has been beating you down and keeping you self image at a minimum - don't let him do this.
You sound co-dependent and you may want to do some individual counseling for this.


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## Mr.Married

SuddenlySeekingSolace said:


> Mr.Married said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you Mr.Married,
> Everything you’ve said has been helpful. I really need to do some soul searching and move forward with getting a divorce. I deserve better and I know it. Throughout the years of being with him I’ve lowered my standards and self value. To be the best version of me, I need to move forward. Thank you.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> NEVER look in rear view mirror.
> 
> Some of your worst enemies are bitterness and clinging to "the need to know everything" of his transgressions.
> 
> Let it go. Only move forward.
Click to expand...


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## lifeistooshort

The point is that you do have value.....far more then you think.

You've a young woman with your whole life ahead of you and much to offer.

FYI, I left my kids father when they were 5 and 2 after having stayed at home for 5 years.

It can be done. I did it and so can you.

Their father was also military and he had to pay his CS. ...the military made sure of it. If you get any alimony they'll make sure you get that too. He didn't cheat but he was abusive, and I get the military dynamic.

Today I'm an actuary and 100% self sufficient, and my boys are almost grown and doing great....both are very close to me, but they also see their dad.

Take your life back. And that 40 pounds you speak of? It may fix itself when you're free of the guy who treats you poorly.


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## sunsetmist

How much would you have to dislike your 'husband' to treat him like he treats you? Change is truly difficult, but not changing is diminishing you and setting a bad example for your family. You love what you thought he was. 

His blaming you for the choices he makes shows what a loser he is. Do not let him get away with this trash. He doesn't think you have what it takes to leave--show him. He'd likely just find another maid and housekeeper as it is all about HIM.


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

lifeistooshort said:


> The point is that you do have value.....far more then you think.
> 
> You've a young woman with your whole life ahead of you and much to offer.
> 
> FYI, I left my kids father when they were 5 and 2 after having stayed at home for 5 years.
> 
> It can be done. I did it and so can you.
> 
> Their father was also military and he had to pay his CS. ...the military made sure of it. If you get any alimony they'll make sure you get that too. He didn't cheat but he was abusive, and I get the military dynamic.
> 
> Today I'm an actuary and 100% self sufficient, and my boys are almost grown and doing great....both are very close to me, but they also see their dad.
> 
> Take your life back. And that 40 pounds you speak of? It may fix itself when you're free of the guy who treats you poorly.


Thanks girl. That gives me hope! I’m definitely having fear of the of known but I know I’m not the only one who is/has gone through this. Thanks for the encouraging words.


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

sunsetmist said:


> How much would you have to dislike your 'husband' to treat him like he treats you? Change is truly difficult, but not changing is diminishing you and setting a bad example for your family. You love what you thought he was.
> 
> His blaming you for the choices he makes shows what a loser he is. Do not let him get away with this trash. He doesn't think you have what it takes to leave--show him. He'd likely just find another maid and housekeeper as it is all about HIM.


That’s the thing! He thinks I won’t leave and thus far, I’ve shown him exactly that. I wanted to hear others opinion and honestly, I thank everyone! I will keep everyone updated. I’m


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## 3Xnocharm

sunsetmist said:


> How much would you have to dislike your 'husband' to treat him like he treats you? Change is truly difficult, but not changing is diminishing you and setting a bad example for your family. You love what you thought he was.
> 
> His blaming you for the choices he makes shows what a loser he is. *Do not let him get away with this trash. He doesn't think you have what it takes to leave--show him. * He'd likely just find another maid and housekeeper as it is all about HIM.


Show him AND your children. This is a terrible environment for your kids, and the dynamic they are learning is pure dysfunction. Whats the saying...? Better having come from a broken home than having to live in one.


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

3Xnocharm said:


> sunsetmist said:
> 
> 
> 
> How much would you have to dislike your 'husband' to treat him like he treats you? Change is truly difficult, but not changing is diminishing you and setting a bad example for your family. You love what you thought he was.
> 
> His blaming you for the choices he makes shows what a loser he is. *Do not let him get away with this trash. He doesn't think you have what it takes to leave--show him. * He'd likely just find another maid and housekeeper as it is all about HIM.
> 
> 
> 
> Show him AND your children. This is a terrible environment for your kids, and the dynamic they are learning is pure dysfunction. Whats the saying...? Better having come from a broken home than having to live in one.
Click to expand...

You’re absolutely right. The more I read here, the stronger I get and have the confidence that I can do this. Thank you.


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## Adelais

Never let him blame his cheating on you. Does he think he is a dog who can't resist the pheromones of a female dog? He has a brain, and he can use it. If he is so unhappy, then he should divorce you...but wait, he's not even married to you!

See a lawyer and learn your rights. Then divorce him. Your children will resent you for staying, they won't admire you for keeping them in a miserable environment.

Do you have family that you and your children can live with while you get on your feet?

There are men who love women who have curves. Find one after you leave the dog.


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## notmyjamie

Mr.Married said:


> SuddenlySeekingSolace said:
> 
> 
> 
> The response your having is not an uncommon one so don't believe something is wrong with you. Your like many people that resign to their situation
> just to keep the peace and not face the war. The problems is this will slowly erode everything inside of you.
> 
> 
> 
> This...so much this!!!!!!!!! Read it again and again if you have to...because it is very true. I stayed for many many years and I can't convey the amount of damage it did to my soul. You are young and healthy. It's a perfect time to start over!!!
> 
> 
> 
> Araucaria said:
> 
> 
> 
> Never let him blame his cheating on you.
> See a lawyer and learn your rights. Then divorce him. Your children will resent you for staying, they won't admire you for keeping them in a miserable environment.
> 
> There are men who love women who have curves. Find one after you leave the dog.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Also very true. His cheating is HIS fault 100%. Never accept from him again that it is your fault.
> 
> And your children will survive the divorce. They will admire you for not letting yourself be treated so poorly. You don't want to model poor behavior to your kids...making them think cheating is okay or it's okay for someone to treat themr so poorly.
> 
> And yes, there are plenty of guys out there who like a curvy woman. But if you're unhappy at your weight, now is the time to do something about it...exercise and eat better and stick to those new habits. I promise you, it will only get more difficult as you get older.
Click to expand...


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

Araucaria said:


> Never let him blame his cheating on you. Does he think he is a dog who can't resist the pheromones of a female dog? He has a brain, and he can use it. If he is so unhappy, then he should divorce you...but wait, he's not even married to you!
> 
> See a lawyer and learn your rights. Then divorce him. Your children will resent you for staying, they won't admire you for keeping them in a miserable environment.
> 
> Do you have family that you and your children can live with while you get on your feet?
> 
> There are men who love women who have curves. Find one after you leave the dog.


I’m actually with family right now because he’s on deployment. He recently received orders and will be moving back to the US. I’ve voiced my concerns as to us( me and the boys) joining him on his next duty station. I want to stay here and get a job and start going to school while I have the help from family. While he is hesitant, he thinks it’s a good idea. So this divorce might be happening sooner than expected.


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## jlg07

SuddenlySeekingSolace said:


> I’m actually with family right now because he’s on deployment. He recently received orders and will be moving back to the US. I’ve voiced my concerns as to us( me and the boys) joining him on his next duty station. I want to stay here and get a job and start going to school while I have the help from family. While he is hesitant, he thinks it’s a good idea. So this divorce might be happening sooner than expected.


GREAT that you have family to support you during this. I'm wondering if he is NOT thinking about you getting divorced. He is probably thinking "cool, she stays there and I get to extend my playing around". He may NOT be thinking about divorce at all. YOU however can plan, get everything in place, and THEN hit him with it.


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## lifeistooshort

SuddenlySeekingSolace said:


> Thanks girl. That gives me hope! I’m definitely having fear of the of known but I know I’m not the only one who is/has gone through this. Thanks for the encouraging words.


You're welcome 

Feel free to PM me if you are interested in talking privately.


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## lifeistooshort

For the record, my 18 year old son recently brought his 18 year old female "friend" ( not sure what their deal is but I try not to butt in) over for dinner because she's having issues at home and he thought a strong woman like his mom could talk to her.

We did talk for a couple of hours and she seemed much better after. She told me he talks about me all the time.

My kids watched me stand up and build my career while always taking care of them and they respect it. And they appreciate that I never bashed their dad....I simply told them it wasn't a good matgh but we were glad to have them.

They love him and he loves them, but they know what and what he is.

Stand up and be an example for your kids.


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## notmyjamie

lifeistooshort said:


> For the record, my 18 year old son recently brought his 18 year old female "friend" ( not sure what their deal is but I try not to butt in) over for dinner because she's having issues at home and he thought a strong woman like his mom could talk to her.
> 
> We did talk for a couple of hours and she seemed much better after. She told me he talks about me all the time.
> 
> My kids watched me stand up and build my career while always taking care of them and they respect it. And they appreciate that I never bashed their dad....I simply told them it wasn't a good matgh but we were glad to have them.
> 
> They love him and he loves them, but they know what and what he is.
> 
> Stand up and be an example for your kids.


That's exactly how I feel about my Mom. My Dad was not a cheater, but he was an alcoholic and he did not treat my Mom well. I couldn't be prouder of her for standing on her own, raising three kids, getting it done and living a really satisfying life after she left him. And she did it all without ever trashing him or talking badly about him to me. She always showed him kindness and respect after their divorce and never asked me to choose between them. My Mom was the bomb. 

You sound like you're the bomb too!!!!  @SuddenlySeekingSolace...you could be the bomb too...I know it!!!!!


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

lifeistooshort said:


> SuddenlySeekingSolace said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks girl. That gives me hope! I’m definitely having fear of the of known but I know I’m not the only one who is/has gone through this. Thanks for the encouraging words.
> 
> 
> 
> You're welcome <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>
> 
> Feel free to PM me if you are interested in talking privately.
Click to expand...

I will definitely do that! Thank you!


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

notmyjamie said:


> lifeistooshort said:
> 
> 
> 
> For the record, my 18 year old son recently brought his 18 year old female "friend" ( not sure what their deal is but I try not to butt in) over for dinner because she's having issues at home and he thought a strong woman like his mom could talk to her.
> 
> We did talk for a couple of hours and she seemed much better after. She told me he talks about me all the time.
> 
> My kids watched me stand up and build my career while always taking care of them and they respect it. And they appreciate that I never bashed their dad....I simply told them it wasn't a good matgh but we were glad to have them.
> 
> They love him and he loves them, but they know what and what he is.
> 
> Stand up and be an example for your kids.
> 
> 
> 
> That's exactly how I feel about my Mom. My Dad was not a cheater, but he was an alcoholic and he did not treat my Mom well. I couldn't be prouder of her for standing on her own, raising three kids, getting it done and living a really satisfying life after she left him. And she did it all without ever trashing him or talking badly about him to me. She always showed him kindness and respect after their divorce and never asked me to choose between them. My Mom was the bomb.
> 
> You sound like you're the bomb too!!!! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a> @SuddenlySeekingSolace...you could be the bomb too...I know it!!!!!
Click to expand...

Thank you Notmyjaime. Your words are very encouraging. I can hope to be as strong as your mother. I will keep everyone updated.


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## She'sStillGotIt

jlg07 said:


> He may NOT be thinking about divorce at all.


Of course he's not. These serial cheaters don't cheat to CHANGE their current situation at home. They cheat to ADD to it. They do it for the *extra*.

From my own experience as well as having seen it many times over in my lifetime _and_ having read it over and over on message boards, serial cheaters seem to prefer having the wife and kids and family dog and picket fence to come home to every night. A lot of these guys ARE 'great' dads (with respect to interacting with their kids) and do enjoy spending time with the family, etc. etc.

They like having a home base, a 'center' to their lives, and having a wife who provides them with all the creature comforts of home (clean house, hot meals, clean laundry, keeping the family running on schedule, children being raised with the absolute minimum work expected from him, being a respected husband and father in the community, etc. etc.). They want all this stuff in their lives but they also want _*more*_. They want a separate world where they're able to enjoy having a varied sex life outside their marriage and where they can experience the chase and 'conquer' of new and different women, the thrill of having new and different sex, and the excitement and ego strokes they get from other women desiring them. 

And every serial cheater prays to the cheating Gods that these two worlds - their "real life" world with the wife and family and white picket fence and their "play life" world where they get to act single and hit on anything with a heartbeat - never, *ever* collide. EVER.

But sometimes they do.

So no, the OP's husband very much wants to keep what he's got at home while he continues having his sanctioned playtime outside the marriage. Why would he give up someone whose basically allowed this behavior for years AND have to give up half of his financial holdings (and his scullery maid, cook, laundress, nanny and housekeeper) if he doesn't have to?


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## 3Xnocharm

Nailed it.


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## SuddenlySeekingSolace

She'sStillGotIt said:


> jlg07 said:
> 
> 
> 
> He may NOT be thinking about divorce at all.
> 
> 
> 
> Of course he's not. These serial cheaters don't cheat to CHANGE their current situation at home. They cheat to ADD to it. They do it for the *extra*.
> 
> From my own experience as well as having seen it many times over in my lifetime _and_ having read it over and over on message boards, serial cheaters seem to prefer having the wife and kids and family dog and picket fence to come home to every night. A lot of these guys ARE 'great' dads (with respect to interacting with their kids) and do enjoy spending time with the family, etc. etc.
> 
> They like having a home base, a 'center' to their lives, and having a wife who provides them with all the creature comforts of home (clean house, hot meals, clean laundry, keeping the family running on schedule, children being raised with the absolute minimum work expected from him, being a respected husband and father in the community, etc. etc.). They want all this stuff in their lives but they also want _*more*_. They want a separate world where they're able to enjoy having a varied sex life outside their marriage and where they can experience the chase and 'conquer' of new and different women, the thrill of having new and different sex, and the excitement and ego strokes they get from other women desiring them.
> 
> And every serial cheater prays to the cheating Gods that these two worlds - their "real life" world with the wife and family and white picket fence and their "play life" world where they get to act single and hit on anything with a heartbeat - never, *ever* collide. EVER.
> 
> But sometimes they do.
> 
> So no, the OP's husband very much wants to keep what he's got at home while he continues having his sanctioned playtime outside the marriage. Why would he give up someone whose basically allowed this behavior for years AND have to give up half of his financial holdings (and his scullery maid, cook, laundress, nanny and housekeeper) if he doesn't have to?
Click to expand...

This is very true! As of yesterday I made up my mind that I’m not going to follow his to his next duty station. I’m looking for a job now and will start school soon. Before I tell him about wanting a divorce, I need to get a little bit more stable on my part. Knowing him, he will try to hurt me financially by not supporting us. 

Being on the his forum and hearing everyone’s feedback has made me so much stronger. I know now that I can do this. I’m very dependent on him and I hate that I let myself get this way. Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. You all have been so helpful.


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