# Marriage and lack of sex



## poorguy (Jan 29, 2018)

Hi,

I have been married with my wife for 5 years, i love her, no issues, no cheating (as far i know ), we are 29 and 26 yro, we have 2 kids (2 and 4 yro), i'm not sure if i have a problem or what, but we are having sex like once a month, i think that is nothing, in the beginning of the marriage it was great, but now i'm thinking to cheat or tell her that going to cheat, the situation is getting me crazy, need to watch porn alone, pleasure myself, feels really bad.

I feel we need to have sex like once a week at least, sometimes i just ask her for hand job, and she just says "i'm tired" or need to get up early next day for job or that i am just thinking in sex all the time... No idea what's the problem if it won't take more than 5, 10, 15, 20 mins etc...

I always have thought that sex is really good for marriage, that time makes the couple stay together alone, forget the routine (kids care, job, money etc...), it does not need to last for so long.

Does anybody here have any similar situation ?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

poorguy said:


> Hi,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yes. Like, everyone (almost).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There are a lot of people in your shoes and damn few who do anything effective about it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The worse thing you can do is to cheat. You have 2 small children to think of and unless you want to lose your whole family then never go that way. You made promises to be faithful and so soon you are thinking of breaking your vows. 

Good communication is vital, and you need to make sure she is aware of how hard this is for you. She needs to know how desperate you are getting. Maybe also some MC together. 

Two such small children are very tiring to care for. Do you help out? Put them to bed? Bathe them? Feed them? Help with the house work? Let her have a lie in sometimes?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Have you told your wife in no uncertain terms this is a huge problem?

So often we hear from people who later seem to indicate they didn’t really make it a major issue with their spouse.

If she accuses you of being a sex addict tell her you two must go to a certified counselor together. Maybe tell her she must attend sex counseling with you.

Make this problem her problem. Don’t let her be happy unless you are.

That’s my advice.

They say read a book. Her Needs His Needs? Edit, maybe His Needs Her Needs.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@poorguy: Lots of us have been in your situation. If you read other threads here, you will see that this is a very frequent issue and that there are a few things you can do that might help. And some things you can do that will probably make things worse. And nothing you can do that is guaranteed to "work" if by "work" you mean result in you having lots of sex with your current wife. A few specifics:

1. Do NOT tell her "don't worry, no matter what happens, I would never leave you". Pretty much guarantees that you won't ever get any sex.

2. Read several books such as No More Mr Nice Guy, Married Man's Sex Primer, and His Needs Her Needs. These will give you a vocabulary and tools for addressing mismatched sex drives.

3. Hit the gym. The better shape you are in, the more likely your wife will find you sexually attractive. And even if she doesn't, she knows some other woman would. As long as your wife thinks you would have a tough time finding someone else, she will feel free to deny you without as big a chance of bad consequences. More along this line is to pay attention to clothes, grooming, bad breath, body odor, etc. Eliminate any external reason why your wife might not want to be close to you.

4. Make time for date nights. Show your wife that you value time with her outside the bedroom.

5. Do things with guys. Stop looking to your wife for all your needs. Get positive interaction with male friends.

6. If none of that works, start cutting back on the things she wants from you. She wants to talk about her day? You have to change a light bulb, or the furnace filter, or the flapper valve in the toilet, or all 3!

Welcome to the struggle. It is eternal. Fight valiantly.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*"Marriage and lack of sex"*

These two things seem to end up in the same sentence far more often than they should.


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## poorguy (Jan 29, 2018)

Thanks so much over here, good hear a voice from every of you, @Diana7 yeah i prepare kids every day both of them before school and all the things you said, we delegate responsabilities, will try to implement some of your advices, makes a lot of sense what every of you said


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> *"Marriage and lack of sex"*
> 
> These two things seem to end up in the same sentence far more often than they should.


I have always said the way to cure the problem with teen age pregnancy is just to make them get married. It is almost guaranteed to make the sex stop.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

poorguy said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have been married with my wife for 5 years, i love her, no issues, no cheating (as far i know ), we are 29 and 26 yro, we have 2 kids (2 and 4 yro), i'm not sure if i have a problem or what, but we are having sex like once a month, i think that is nothing, in the beginning of the marriage it was great, but now i'm thinking to cheat or tell her that going to cheat, the situation is getting me crazy, need to watch porn alone, pleasure myself, feels really bad.
> 
> ...


Two very small children and your W works outside the home as well? She is tired! 

Yes, sex is a very important part of marriage. What do you do to help combat the tiredness your W says she is feeling? I'm sure you help around the house, etc. For me, I gave our kids baths and readied for bed. Clean up after dinner. Things of that nature. Do you work on finding a sitter for your kids so you can take your W out on a date?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yes two small kids and a job it's a lot of stress and women have sex both mentally and physically. She needs the opportunity to sleep, reduce stress and get out of mommy mode. 

It is important that you clearly communicate your needs but don't make sex another chore. Exactly what was she supposed to get out of your 20 minute hand job? That's making it another chore. Sex is supposed to be mutual satisfaction or you aren't likely to get much of it ever.

Yes sometimes one partner or the other may engage in one sided pleasure but that should be the givers choice not the receivers demands. If you make her feel like your sex worker that will be hard to break that resentment and get a willing enthusiastic partner back.

By the sounds of it you may already be there.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wine her and dine her, and do nice little things for her without the expectation for sex. Take the kids off her hands one day a week. Make sure you are taking care of yourself physically. And buy and read this book. It could help: https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1517261524&sr=8-3&keywords=athol+kay


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

You are right on schedule. Time to talk, let the fight begin, do not defer or it will never change.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Depressingly common - and very miserable. 

Was the sex great and frequent early on? If so, when did it stop? Any life changes (children, jobs etc) when it changed?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Absolutely take the kids off her hands. Take the kids for a day trip to the country. Give Mom the day off. When they get a little older you can take them camping for the weekend. Kids love going into the country and getting messy and Mom loves no one messing up her clean house over the weekend.


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## poorguy (Jan 29, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Depressingly common - and very miserable.
> 
> Was the sex great and frequent early on? If so, when did it stop? Any life changes (children, jobs etc) when it changed?



Yeah when we had only 1 child, it was frequent, after 2nd child, everything went down, we were tired, baby didn't want to sleep alone in her room, that's one reason why we slowed down on that area, but we still were having fun  sometimes, at the end of last year she found a job, waking up at 4am to leave for job and return back home at 6pm


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## poorguy (Jan 29, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Two very small children and your W works outside the home as well? She is tired!
> 
> Yes, sex is a very important part of marriage. What do you do to help combat the tiredness your W says she is feeling? I'm sure you help around the house, etc. For me, I gave our kids baths and readied for bed. Clean up after dinner. Things of that nature. Do you work on finding a sitter for your kids so you can take your W out on a date?


Thanks yeah, i work from home, so i basically take care of kids most of the time, maybe need to try the date


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## poorguy (Jan 29, 2018)

Concerns me the fact, 
that i'm doing and working hard with my part with the family, helping, cleaning, preparing breakfast, dinner, lunch, taking kids to school, picking them, i modified my working from home days to help a little bit more, so she can focus on her side, i even pick her from her office or train station so she can get earlier home than usual. What i receive is she is "tired", also a problem that we have and is being present since we got married but is getting worst is that she is obsessive cleaning house everyday, for example if a towel is not in right position, she gets mad with me or minor things... i'm getting tired


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I am a firm believer that when sex goes stone cold dead in a marriage barring a medically diagnosed health issue from a doctor then the posibillity that the Refuser is engaging in an affair should always discreetly be examined.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

poorguy said:


> Concerns me the fact,
> that i'm doing and working hard with my part with the family, helping, cleaning, preparing breakfast, dinner, lunch, taking kids to school, picking them, i modified my working from home days to help a little bit more, so she can focus on her side, i even pick her from her office or train station so she can get earlier home than usual. What i receive is she is "tired", also a problem that we have and is being present since we got married but is getting worst is that she is obsessive cleaning house everyday, for example if a towel is not in right position, she gets mad with me or minor things... i'm getting tired


What percentage of your combined income do both of you earn.You started this thread because of the lack of sex in your marriage but in your last post you seem to be implying that your wife is losing respect for you.
Does she see herself as the main breadwinner and you as a sahd?.
This is worrying and it is a red flag in regards to your marriage,if a woman loses respect for her partner she finds it hard to regain and as the previous poster said she is open to an affair.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> What percentage of your combined income do both of you earn.You started this thread because of the lack of sex in your marriage but in your last post you seem to be implying that your wife is losing respect for you.
> Does she see herself as the main breadwinner and you as a sahd?.
> This is worrying and it is a red flag in regards to your marriage,if a woman loses respect for her partner she finds it hard to regain and as the previous poster said she is open to an affair.



This. 

A lot of people, women _and _men, seem to have a really hard time seeing the partner who works from home as having a "real job". It can lead to a serious lack of respect for the work-from-home partner. It's like the office-going partner can't really wrap their head around the fact that their spouse is actually also working a full-time job, and that they're not a SAHM/D who's sitting around eating bonbons and watching soap operas all day. Not sure why, but some people clearly have an issue with processing the difference between 'working from home' and 'not working'. 

Honestly, I would investigate the possibilities for changing the work/home balance. Something about your current dynamic is not working for your wife - and subsequently you. You need to find out what that is, exactly, and see what can be done to change it.


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## poorguy (Jan 29, 2018)

Thanks guys @Rowan @Sports Fan @Andy1001 good to hear your thoughts, yeah i think the same about the lack of respect, maybe sex issue is a consequence of all the package, @Andy1001 i'm breadwinner and she is complementing the income all together, she started to work because has a university degree and getting that job was good for her, i don't complain about her getting the job, because that extra income is going to help our family and also make her grow as professional, only complain about that she feels tired all the time and the only time she has, is to spend cleaning house, as i said she is obsessive with housework/cleaning, i help doing that but seems not enough.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

poorguy said:


> Concerns me the fact,
> that i'm doing and working hard with my part with the family, helping, cleaning, preparing breakfast, dinner, lunch, taking kids to school, picking them, i modified my working from home days to help a little bit more, so she can focus on her side, i even pick her from her office or train station so she can get earlier home than usual. What i receive is she is "tired", also a problem that we have and is being present since we got married but is getting worst is that she is obsessive cleaning house everyday, for example if a towel is not in right position, she gets mad with me or minor things... i'm getting tired


Apparently your W does not care for your way of keeping a house clean. Almost and probably your W is annoyed with you. No fault of your own. You do the best you can and it is still not right. I was told by my W I do not fold laundry. I'm a roller. So, that was it. I do not do laundry any longer. 

Anyway, it is time to talk to the W and also suggest MC because at present this is not working for you.


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## stiiky (Jul 29, 2017)

Your relationship has probably lost the emotional intimate connection. Marriage isn’t just about sex. For women in a long-term relationship, there must be an emotionally intimate connection with her partner in order to want sex. You might be able to spring a boner in a split second but it doesn’t work that way with women. Women need more than a visual aid.

In the beginning of a relationship, sex is usually more frequent because you and your partner are still discovering who your partner is and her needs. Being in a long-term relationship, you eventually forget about the emotional part of the relationship. Simply having an open and honest conversation with your partner can re-establish the emotional intimate connection with her but this isn’t a one-time deal. This is a daily exercise. You have to be willing to listen to her without making judgments. 

For a long time, I had no interest in having sex. For a while, I was starting to think something was wrong with me. My husband and I would drink some alcohol on the weekend thinking that might loosen me up a little bit, but even then it was a hit or miss for me. For the most part, I still did not want sex. 

Then one night we had some drinks but there was no pressure to have sex. We were playing a card game, talking about some of our issues in our relationship, and making jokes. That was the best night I had with my husband in a long time. I felt an emotionally intimate connection with him again and I actually felt like I wanted to have sex. That’s when I realized there was nothing wrong with me; our relationship was lacking the emotional intimacy that I needed.

And for Pete’s sake, do not cheat or tell her you’re going to cheat. You will be digging yourself a hole you can’t get out of. Cheating is not a solution to your problem. You will be adding problems on top of what you already have. Work out your problems by communicating with her.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Get a cleaning service. That is one of the perks of her working. You can now outsource some of the manual labor. That way neither of you is tired from household chores and both of you have more time and energy for dating each other.

You may complain that you cannot afford it. Start googling what it costs out of pocket to divorce. Then start thinking about what it costs to maintain 2 households after divorce. I think you will find that a cleaning service is much cheaper.


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