# What makes a woman happy in marriage?



## southbound

My wife has recently asked for a divorce after 18 years of marriage because she says she is not happy and hasn't been for several years. I have done things over the years that I thought would make any wife happy, but apparently i was wrong. What did I do? Over the years, we became financially worry free with my income being the highest earning. We bought some land and built our dream house. I cook, clean, and am the main laundry person. We don't argue enough to even mention. At times, I took the lead in taking care of our children with night time feedings, diaper changes, etc. I told her I loved her on a daily basis. She always seemed happy to me until the last few months. She now wants a divorce because she says I haven't given her what she has needed emotionally and never do anything to make her feel special. I thought doing all this other stuff would make someone feel special, but I guess not. Can any of you ladies help explain this?


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## MEM2020

One key measure of how the woman feels about a marriage is your sex life. I know this is a generalization but - many men will have frequent sex even if they are not that happy in the marriage. Women don't tend to do that. 

So if your W has been happy AND sexual with you up until a few months ago - and now she wants a D - she is having an affair. 

Reason I say that is someone doesn't suddenly run AWAY from something good after 18 years. They might however run TOWARDS something they believe will give them a magical life. Which is what a new romance represents....




southbound said:


> My wife has recently asked for a divorce after 18 years of marriage because she says she is not happy and hasn't been for several years. I have done things over the years that I thought would make any wife happy, but apparently i was wrong. What did I do? Over the years, we became financially worry free with my income being the highest earning. We bought some land and built our dream house. I cook, clean, and am the main laundry person. We don't argue enough to even mention. At times, I took the lead in taking care of our children with night time feedings, diaper changes, etc. I told her I loved her on a daily basis. She always seemed happy to me until the last few months. She now wants a divorce because she says I haven't given her what she has needed emotionally and never do anything to make her feel special. I thought doing all this other stuff would make someone feel special, but I guess not. Can any of you ladies help explain this?


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## Pandakiss

I cant see an affair but bordem of prefection house work does not equal love and affection its appreaticed no argueing equals no passion no fire what does she love...like...hate you? her fav movie...book...food new fav sexual turn ons turn offs women are complex creatures and things change but you dont know you were too busy being mr perfect man look at all the things i do arent i great sorry if im harsh but from a woman to a man you can handle it did you just put her up and play dress up to play house i will leave it at that hey i might be wrong im not getting a divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

southbound said:


> I have done things over the years that I thought would make any wife happy, but apparently i was wrong. What did I do? Over the years, we became financially worry free with my income being the highest earning. We bought some land and built our dream house. I cook, clean, and am the main laundry person.


 Sounds like you are giving her ALOT of *Acts of Service *- doing many "things" for her, making her life carefree - for you maybe this IS the way you express love- which there is NOTHING wrong with --BUT maybe for her, Her deepest desires may be other expressions of Love - maybe she would prefer more TIME with you, or more Physical Touch (a Passionate sex life). *How is the sex life -what happened*? I agree with MEM, it is a very very telling sign .

I am just throwing this out there -cause those are the top of my personal list and I know if my husband was too busy being a work a holic to acheive more stuff, and if he didn't hotly pursue me sexually, I would have gotten extremely bored with him, even though he is a great guy, loving father, kind, excellent provider & still says he loves me every day. Sometimes we simply "want" more. Especially when Mid Life rolls around, I have found this to be very very true for me personally. 



southbound said:


> We don't argue enough to even mention.


 When I hear couples say they never fight or hardly argue with each other, I immediately think to myself "God that must be boring! " & I say to myself -- they can't possibly be communicating honestly with each other. 

My husband is very passive, a pleaser, not the type to pick fights, ruffle feathers, but you know what, I MAKE him argue once in a while, I stir the pot -even intentionally, I feel this is healthy, he has even said this is good, "makes for a little excitement" (his words), so long as I don't get carried away. 




southbound said:


> She now wants a divorce because she says I haven't given her what she has needed emotionally and never do anything to make her feel special. I thought doing all this other stuff would make someone feel special, but I guess not. Can any of you ladies help explain this?


 I can attest my husband would tell me he loved me every single day, BUT even this fell short to what I *desired* from him. I even complained about that one time saying "what is that, you tell your mother that". -- I wanted to be told "I WANT YOU", I wanted him to FLIRT with me , tease me, things like that, I needed more "sexual attention", not gifts, not acts of service, not cooking, or changing our 2yr olds diapers. Those things meant nothing to me at all. I wanted his affectionate TIME & LUSTY Attention. 


Maybe -just maybe this is the missing emotional thing she is not sharing with you. Especially after being married for almost 20 yrs, we feel like we are getting old, we want to feel young & vibrant again, we want to rekindle Romance & Passion in our lives, we want to know we are still hotly desirable. Shame on us for being so vain but it happens I guess. 

Or maybe I am all wet, maybe her Love Language is "gifts" and you haven't brought her flowers in 5 years or something. 

If you have never read about the Various Love Languages -here is a thread I started with a link for the book and a test :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


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## MsLonely

southbound said:


> My wife has recently asked for a divorce after 18 years of marriage because she says she is not happy and hasn't been for several years. I have done things over the years that I thought would make any wife happy, but apparently i was wrong. What did I do? Over the years, we became financially worry free with my income being the highest earning. We bought some land and built our dream house. I cook, clean, and am the main laundry person. We don't argue enough to even mention. At times, I took the lead in taking care of our children with night time feedings, diaper changes, etc. I told her I loved her on a daily basis. She always seemed happy to me until the last few months. She now wants a divorce because she says I haven't given her what she has needed emotionally and never do anything to make her feel special. I thought doing all this other stuff would make someone feel special, but I guess not. Can any of you ladies help explain this?


For example, if she actually enjoys your eating her off at 69 position, and hell yes, as always, you eat her off by going down on her or by fingering her. She has ogasms but not the ones she desired. You think you have done your work, which is true but in her opinion, she thinks you didn't meet her needs, which is also true.

Therefore, you have to understand what she EXACTLY wants you to do emotionally & physically. 

One more example about sex: You might think you have done your work because you have given her your "tool" as many times as she requested. In fact, in her opinion, you just did the way you want for yourself, not for her if you didn't want to perform with the IC positions she prefers. Eventually, after many years, she get bored in doing what you like when you didn't give her any hope of changing it.

Therefore, it's very important to understand her interests carefully & accurately, so you don't actually work your ass off in many ways she doesn't appreicate.

If your sexual desire has dropped and felt harder to catch up her sexual needs after 18 years of marriage, you might need to consult a doctor and take a blood test on your testosterone level. 

You will give your wife a big hope that you can be her hero and conquer her love & passion again as if you guys just fell in love 18 years ago! 

She needs to feel beautiful, young & desired. Focus on that.


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## southbound

Actually, my wife was never into sex the way I thought a normal person should be, not even in the early days. We probably averaged once a week during good times, and once every six weeks during what I would call the bad. She didn't like things too spicy, just plain. She does have a demanding job and always attributed being tired as the reason. She always seemed to enjoy sex once we got there, but she was never one that seemed to look forward to it or think about it a lot. Our sex life wasn't on fire in the last few months, but I can't say that was a change.


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## SimplyAmorous

Have you come out & outright asked her what she feels she is missing from you all these years ? It sounds like she has very low energy -with you doing so many things around the house, is she "depressed"?


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## MsLonely

Quote: She now wants a divorce because she says I haven't given her what she has needed emotionally and never do anything to make her feel special.

_____________________________________________

She's not asking for spicy sex with you doesn't mean she has little sexual needs if she's a healthy woman.

Many wives would rather musterbate themselves than have sex with their husbands because women know men can't take criticisms especially on their bedroom skills. They would either tolerate the blah sexual life, or just forget about it. When your wife doesn't have sex with you for an entire month (she's a healthy & young woman) that means sometime wrong in the sexual life.

An example of things that can make a woman feel speical:

1. Create a romantic enviornment with her favorite love music (songs) Open a bottle of nice wine & chi-chat.

2. Cook for her a tasty candle light dinner. 

3. Give a bundle of flowers without a reason.

4. Compliments without a reason.

5. Give her a good (1 hour) massage to relax her tension/pressure from work.

6. Give her a small gift without a reason.

Understand what your wife needs and enjoys the most- Make her feel beautiful, special, and desired.

Always brush up your sexual skills, explore the horniness that she has hidden from you.

Many husbands have no clues that actually their wives are horny & lonely like hell. 

When she felt you didn't really enjoy 1 thing, for example, give her oral sex, or you didn't do the way she liked or you took the short cut(fingering more than eating her off), she would tell you, never mind, she doesn't like anything spicy, which was said to comfort you.

Many husband actually believe it. They really have no clues until their wives want a D, they still have no clues.

I used to have sex with my husband 2 times a month (this month, we increased 1 time as he starts to improve himself) In the past, my husband didn't give me oral sex for a damn whole year (still now), didn't want to change IC positions I like (just changed it after many years.)

So I was very bored after many years letting him take the conveniences using my ass. What I said to him was, not horny, headache...blah blah blah to avoid having sex with him. (Actually I musterbate almost everyday.)


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## SimplyAmorous

Southbound: 

It seems us women here are making this all about SEX, please excuse us if this is simply NOT the issue. (Alot of horny women here). Just giving you some food for thought -from our own experiences. 

I would say >>> IF the communication is lacking, if the 2 of you have never openly talked about your likes & dislikes in the bedroom, what turns each other on, being a little flirty, it is VERY possible she is too quiet/shy/inhibited to let you know she wants something/anything different, maybe she is not even having orgasms but couldnt bring herself to share this with you. Maybe even too inhibited to share & encourage you when you do things she loves & wants more of - without getting some encouragement & feedback from your partner, it may leave You feeling "blaaaaaa"- like she doesn't care for the act. 

Me & my husband never talked about sex in our past, we talked about everything else in life, but for some reason this was taboo (I had a "sex is dirty" mindet), we remained silent, we didn't even moan we were so boring! He did not go out of his way to selfishly pursue me in the bedroom , but was "too nice" , "too accomondating" , and I can honesty say, there were times when I thought HE didn't have much of a sex drive-- once in a while I would get in the mood in the middle of the night , half the time I woke him up , half the time I masterbated secretly. IF he would have ONCE said to me "You can wake me up every night! " or something hot & sexy, encouraging me to DO this more often , I would have never masterbated again! But he was too darn quiet. 

Here HE was struggling with feeling "rejection" from me!! He always wanted more, it hurt him deeply. What a load of miss signals. Looking back, what a terrible shame, he was shocked I did this, and I was a surprised he was suffering SO much sexually !! Total lack of sexual communication. Not a good thing. We wasted alot of years doing it a meesley once a week. 


Do you know if your wife masterbates? There are a few men on this forum who have been suffering in a sexless marraige for YEARS & recently found out their wives have been masterbating for years-secretly. They were devestated! They THOUGHT their wives had NO drive, only to learn they lost their drive for their husbands. 

IT may be something completely different -that is botherig her, as many women really dont seem to have much of a drive and it is NOT the man's fault at all. You mention it was once a week in good times and only once every 6 weeks in the bad. 

What was the BAD ?? Were these "silent treatment" spells. Women do loose their sex drive over built up resentment, for many many reasons, wouldn't have anything to do with sex, but it sure makes them not want it !


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## greenpearl

A woman's emotional tank is very big, she needs a lot of attention from her man. 

BBW and MEM have been keeping on telling men that men should man up instead of begging and pleading, sounds like a lot of women don't buy it. They think that flowers, gifts, and candle lights can really make them happy. I doubt how many men can keep on doing this for their whole life. 

I don't know about other women. Romantic physical touch is very important to me. Being groped and fondled constantly by my husband really makes me feel that my man loves me a lot and he lights up my fire constantly. A tender kiss on my head, a loving spank on my ass, a passionate hug before we leave for work, loving sex in bed.................

A lot of women tend to be bothered by many things. My husband's approach is sitting down with me and talking to me, finding out what is bothering me, and giving me guidance. Sometimes what he told me didn't make me feel good at the beginning, but he helps me understand myself. Later on I would work on my weak spots.


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## southbound

SimplyAmorous said:


> Southbound:
> 
> It seems us women here are making this all about SEX, please excuse us if this is simply NOT the issue. (Alot of horny women here). Just giving you some food for thought -from our own experiences.
> 
> I would say >>> IF the communication is lacking, if the 2 of you have never openly talked about your likes & dislikes in the bedroom, what turns each other on, being a little flirty, it is VERY possible she is too quiet/shy/inhibited to let you know she wants something/anything different, maybe she is not even having orgasms but couldnt bring herself to share this with you. Maybe even too inhibited to share & encourage you when you do things she loves & wants more of - without getting some encouragement & feedback from your partner, it may leave You feeling "blaaaaaa"- like she doesn't care for the act.
> 
> Me & my husband never talked about sex in our past, we talked about everything else in life, but for some reason this was taboo (I had a "sex is dirty" mindet), we remained silent, we didn't even moan we were so boring! He did not go out of his way to selfishly pursue me in the bedroom , but was "too nice" , "too accomondating" , and I can honesty say, there were times when I thought HE didn't have much of a sex drive-- once in a while I would get in the mood in the middle of the night , half the time I woke him up , half the time I masterbated secretly. IF he would have ONCE said to me "You can wake me up every night! " or something hot & sexy, encouraging me to DO this more often , I would have never masterbated again! But he was too darn quiet.
> 
> Here HE was struggling with feeling "rejection" from me!! He always wanted more, it hurt him deeply. What a load of miss signals. Looking back, what a terrible shame, he was shocked I did this, and I was a surprised he was suffering SO much sexually !! Total lack of sexual communication. Not a good thing. We wasted alot of years doing it a meesley once a week.
> 
> 
> Do you know if your wife masterbates? There are a few men on this forum who have been suffering in a sexless marraige for YEARS & recently found out their wives have been masterbating for years-secretly. They were devestated! They THOUGHT their wives had NO drive, only to learn they lost their drive for their husbands.
> 
> IT may be something completely different -that is botherig her, as many women really dont seem to have much of a drive and it is NOT the man's fault at all. You mention it was once a week in good times and only once every 6 weeks in the bad.
> 
> What was the BAD ?? Were these "silent treatment" spells. Women do loose their sex drive over built up resentment, for many many reasons, wouldn't have anything to do with sex, but it sure makes them not want it !



The only issue she has with sex is that she thinks I want it too much. She does not masturbate, and told me while we were dating that she never had in her life; she thinks stuff like that is weird. The only desires she had with sex is for it to be as plain as possible. She tried to convince me that I'm a sex maniac because I would like it more than once every few weeks with a little spice. I convinced her to look on a web site once where one could order sex furniture; she thought it was really weird and wondered who in their right mind would order that stuff. Perhaps it runs in her family. She told me once that her sister and her husband went for months without sex. She said her sister said that was something she just didn't need in a relationship.


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## swedish

southbound said:


> She always seemed happy to me until the last few months. She now wants a divorce because she says I haven't given her what she has needed emotionally and never do anything to make her feel special. I thought doing all this other stuff would make someone feel special, but I guess not. Can any of you ladies help explain this?


If your kids are getting older, recently or soon to be out of the house, she may be re-evaluating her life and wondering 'Is this it for the next xxx years?' 

There could be a number of reasons for her talking divorce...looking at the future of more of the same, work, come home, work, etc. especially when the children are no longer there to tend to. 

She may want more romance, date nights, weekends alone, travel, etc. It is possible that she is smitten with another man, not suggesting she's having an affair, but maybe an attraction that is causing her to think 'what if' especially if she is sexually attracted to someone and wonders why she hasn't felt that way with you in a long time.

How long ago did you mention the sex furniture? I ask, because I was a lot like your wife with regard to sex, very reserved, sex drive pretty non-existant but my sex drive seemed to appear out of nowhere in my 30's but it didn't change my conservative feelings so it wasn't something I outwardly acted on ... fortunately my husband would take the lead and was very gentle, patient about it ... lights on, different positions, etc. introduced gradually.

You may want to see if she is open to taking a vacation with you...a weekend away or something like that. If she is receptive, you have a starting point to reconnect with her, talk about your future together (fun stuff you want to do), look in her eyes, laugh together, hold hands, etc. Telling her she is beautiful. Making her feel special can be through touch, holding hands, etc. or knowing her...making a CD of songs that remind you of the two of you, etc. Intimate things that only you two share.

I would suggest reading 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman. I would definitely ask her to read it, too. It may help her to see that what she is feeling happens in many marriages and divorce is usually not the answer...it will also show her that you are serious about making things right between the two of you.


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## SimplyAmorous

southbound said:


> The only issue she has with sex is that she thinks I want it too much. She does not masturbate, and told me while we were dating that she never had in her life; she thinks stuff like that is weird. The only desires she had with sex is for it to be as plain as possible. She tried to convince me that I'm a sex maniac because I would like it more than once every few weeks with a little spice. I convinced her to look on a web site once where one could order sex furniture; she thought it was really weird and wondered who in their right mind would order that stuff. Perhaps it runs in her family. She told me once that her sister and her husband went for months without sex. She said her sister said that was something she just didn't need in a relationship.


This is not going to sound nice of your wife, but she should not have married a man at all, just remained single. I tell my oldest son who wants to marry a Virgin, that if she has no interest in masterbating/doesn't do it regularly to relieve tension/finds the thought icky while single, he shoud RUN LIKE H***, because your story will most likely be his outcome. 

You are not a sex fiend in any way, I am surprised you did not want rid of her 1st. We bought some of that "sex furniture" about a year ago, anything to do some spicing. The Liberator-the Ramp & the wedge. 

Why not let her have her freedom and look for a hot woman who enjoys regular sex ? Enjoy your life while you still have life to live.


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## nice777guy

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is not going to sound nice of your wife, but she should not have married a man at all, just remained single. I tell my oldest son who wants to marry a Virgin, that if she has no interest in masterbating/doesn't do it regularly to relieve tension/finds the thought icky while single, he shoud RUN LIKE H***, because your story will most likely be his outcome.


My wife never masturbated until after we were married. She just didn't understand her body well enough - and also thought there was a bit of a stigma attached.

She had also never had an orgasm until I showed her how (=stumbled upon it accidentally with my tongue a hundred times) in college! 

So SA - careful with that advice unless your son is dating 25-30 year olds. Some younger women (college age) may just need the right guy to show them how!


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## turnera

Have you read her phone bill for a phone number that she calls or texts a lot? Have you looked at her email to see who she's contacting a lot over the last 6 months?


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## southbound

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is not going to sound nice of your wife, but she should not have married a man at all, just remained single. I tell my oldest son who wants to marry a Virgin, that if she has no interest in masterbating/doesn't do it regularly to relieve tension/finds the thought icky while single, he shoud RUN LIKE H***, because your story will most likely be his outcome.
> 
> You are not a sex fiend in any way, I am surprised you did not want rid of her 1st. We bought some of that "sex furniture" about a year ago, anything to do some spicing. The Liberator-the Ramp & the wedge.
> 
> Why not let her have her freedom and look for a hot woman who enjoys regular sex ? Enjoy your life while you still have life to live.



Maybe you're right, perhaps she shouldn't have married me. The odd part is that she acted like she was crazy about me for the first several years in the way she looked at me, smiled at me, payed attention to me, and talked about me to others. That didn't necessarily translate into as much sex as I thought it should. She was never the type that seemed like she was grossed out by anything sexual, but it just wasn't one of her priorities. She told me recently that "we don't make love, we just have sex." I appreciate everyone's responses and follow ups. I'd like to have some understanding in this.


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## MsLonely

"We don't make love, we just have sex?"
There's a funny song, "You want to F me like an animal..." 
When she said like this, you can simply rip her clothes, month on her boobies, then rip her panties off, finger her a bit & screw her brains off without kissing or talking. Yeah, like an animal! But it's pretty hot also LOL, sorry not to get ppl aroused, just my understanding if I would say like this. She simply wants sex, you can do it! Release the beast in her!


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## MsLonely

She wants you to play cool & rough on her. I guess you're an very affectionate man & you always spend lots of time in foreplay before slowly enter her? Just my guessing. Girls sometimes just want to have fun! F like an animal! LOL she doesn't have sexual needs or she needs something different from you?


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## SimplyAmorous

southbound said:


> She told me recently that "we don't make love, we just have sex."


What do you think she means by this comment??

I had a conversation with my husband just today, asking him if he could separate LOVE from sex/ if he could have sex without LOVE, he tells me he could NOT do that, he has said this before also. I think he is odd as the majority of men CAN do this. I will say >>> He is a tried & true SENSUAL LOVER, a pleaser, it is ALWAYS about my pleasure. He only looks upon our intimacy as "*Making Love*", it is never just *SEX* to him. Just SEX is somehow too "selfish" of him. So he only "makes love", that is HIS way. And true, I always feel fullfilled, but isn't it like any of us, we long for something we don't quite have in it's entirety, I complain I want a more "selfish" lover sometimes, just SEX would be absolutely fine with me ! (craziness)


Is it possible your wife is feeling USED somehow-for your selfish pleasure, for her to claim you are "just having sex" but NOT making Love ~~ she is obviously feeling you are not loving her enough during the act itself ?? What do you think? What kind of Lover are you? 

I know the above posts by Mslonely are thinking quite the opposite of this, I am just assumnig what she is saying out of her mouth IS what she means. But how true it is -she could mean something entirely different as women do not always say what they mean. Makes for tons of complication in marraiges! 

In your defense, since emotions R running so high on both sides, MAYBE it has been very difficult for you , when you approach her, she is generally not in the mood, so you have to coax her (which you probably resent a little) , then feeling not so desired yourself , you just try to make it as "quick" as possible to let her off the hook again , feeling this is what she wants. Or just dealing with the emotions of her not desiring you (enough) has put a sour taste in your mouth and maybe your LOVE is not flowing so freely?


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## mrsromance

Finds out whats she means by, making her feel special. Everyone is different. She might like gifts or quality time. She might be using the D word to get your attention. Hopefully she can express what makes her happy. Also if things seemed out of the blue she might just be hormonal. women go through many hormonal issues that make them feel like something is missing from their lives.


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## turnera

She sounds like a romantic to me. She ignorantly expected every day of her marriage to be a whirlwhind romance, make her breathless, etc.


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## southbound

SimplyAmorous said:


> What do you think she means by this comment??
> 
> I had a conversation with my husband just today, asking him if he could separate LOVE from sex/ if he could have sex without LOVE, he tells me he could NOT do that, he has said this before also. I think he is odd as the majority of men CAN do this. I will say >>> He is a tried & true SENSUAL LOVER, a pleaser, it is ALWAYS about my pleasure. He only looks upon our intimacy as "*Making Love*", it is never just *SEX* to him. Just SEX is somehow too "selfish" of him. So he only "makes love", that is HIS way. And true, I always feel fullfilled, but isn't it like any of us, we long for something we don't quite have in it's entirety, I complain I want a more "selfish" lover sometimes, just SEX would be absolutely fine with me ! (craziness)
> 
> 
> Is it possible your wife is feeling USED somehow-for your selfish pleasure, for her to claim you are "just having sex" but NOT making Love ~~ she is obviously feeling you are not loving her enough during the act itself ?? What do you think? What kind of Lover are you?
> 
> I know the above posts by Mslonely are thinking quite the opposite of this, I am just assumnig what she is saying out of her mouth IS what she means. But how true it is -she could mean something entirely different as women do not always say what they mean. Makes for tons of complication in marraiges!
> 
> In your defense, since emotions R running so high on both sides, MAYBE it has been very difficult for you , when you approach her, she is generally not in the mood, so you have to coax her (which you probably resent a little) , then feeling not so desired yourself , you just try to make it as "quick" as possible to let her off the hook again , feeling this is what she wants. Or just dealing with the emotions of her not desiring you (enough) has put a sour taste in your mouth and maybe your LOVE is not flowing so freely?



I guess I'm not always in the same mood. Sometimes I'm in a sensual, "let's make love" mode, and sometimes I just feel like ripping each others clothes off and having some raw fun with the woman I love. I have never been a "wham bam thank you mam" type. She has always had an orgasm regardless of what my body did. She enjoyed clit stimulation with both hands and oral, and I was happy to accomodate. She always seemed to enjoy sex once we were in the middle of it, but getting her in the mood was a task.


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## turnera

southbound said:


> She always seemed to enjoy sex once we were in the middle of it, but getting her in the mood was a task.


That is definitely my situation. Probably a lot of women's. Kind of like going to the gym.


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## MEM2020

SB,
When you proposed and then married her without sorting this out you signaled that you were ok with her devaluing YOUR needs. That signal is quite hard to change once sent. Sounds like she loved you - but really wasn't that attracted to you sexually. That can sometimes be fixed by learning specific skills or developing certain traits that increase your desirability, but the success of that approach is highly specific to the individual female. 




southbound said:


> Maybe you're right, perhaps she shouldn't have married me. The odd part is that she acted like she was crazy about me for the first several years in the way she looked at me, smiled at me, payed attention to me, and talked about me to others. That didn't necessarily translate into as much sex as I thought it should. She was never the type that seemed like she was grossed out by anything sexual, but it just wasn't one of her priorities. She told me recently that "we don't make love, we just have sex." I appreciate everyone's responses and follow ups. I'd like to have some understanding in this.


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## southbound

MEM11363 said:


> SB,
> When you proposed and then married her without sorting this out you signaled that you were ok with her devaluing YOUR needs. That signal is quite hard to change once sent. Sounds like she loved you - but really wasn't that attracted to you sexually. That can sometimes be fixed by learning specific skills or developing certain traits that increase your desirability, but the success of that approach is highly specific to the individual female.


You could be right. Our sex life has always been a mystery to me. She always seemed physically attracted to me in how she acted and talked, but it didn't necessarily translate to sex. She told me something once that I thought was a little weird. She informed me that she never masturbated while growing up and that she didn't go wild over the celebrity hunks of her childhood like everyone else. She said she kinda thought the boy from Karate Kid looked ok, but otherwise, she was not interested. She never seemed to think any particular male star was attractive while we were married. I'm not saying she should have rubbed my face in Brad Pitt or anything, but if a big deal was made about a movie star being attractive by her friends or on tv, she always expressed that she thought he was not attractive. Oh, and just for the record, I have always been considered an attractive guy, especially in my 20s; I never had any problem getting dates. The only difference is that I'm now in my 40s don't look 20 anymore, but i haven't went downhill too badly. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not "Ugly Joe," which might help explain why she wasn't attracted sexually. 
To have a woman act so crazy about me in every other realm of life but to not be very interested in sex was always a puzzle to me.


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## SimplyAmorous

southbound said:


> She told me something once that I thought was a little weird. She informed me that she never masturbated while growing up and that she didn't go wild over the celebrity hunks of her childhood like everyone else. She said she kinda thought the boy from Karate Kid looked ok, but otherwise, she was not interested. She never seemed to think any particular male star was attractive while we were married.


I think this is a very telling sign that she didn't have a "sexual" attraction to ANYTHING! Easy to say not to take this personal, but even a young Brad Pitt probably couldn't have MOVED her ! 

I think young girls drooling all over hot actors & Rock stars as they are growing up is just plan NORMAL healthy behavior, even a right of passage. Not that they have to talk about it , but it should be there, some of those naughty lustful thoughts. Just like teen boys wanting to look at Naked women - seeking porn. My oldest son is still a virgin at 20, I know he is not gay 
because he struggles mercilessly with porn, somehow this is a comfort to me! If these desires are not there, but weak or absent, seriously, something is OFF. 

What do these types of people do for fun? What excites them? What are HER Passions - is she passionate about anything ? 

I know I had some Dooozy of fasinations with a few british actors & Rock Musicians in my younger years, even while married. Once I drug my then boyfriend/now husband a few states away to visit the home town of one of my obseessions. 


Southbound - Maybe time to look Northbound, you are not over the hill yet .

What I can not understand is why SHE wants the divorce, with all that is coming out here - sounds like she expected you to be more romantic & emotionally there FOR HER, but felt it was perfectly fine to not end these encounters with love making- for your needs.


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## swedish

SimplyAmorous said:


> What I can not understand is why SHE wants the divorce, with all that is coming out here - sounds like she expected you to be more romantic & emotionally there FOR HER, but felt it was perfectly fine to not end these encounters with love making- for your needs.


This may be exactly why she is feeling the marriage isn't working. She may feel that she is needed to fulfill his sexual needs but not feeling the emotional fulfillment of her own needs.

Helping around the house and with the kids is great, but when the romance is lacking, compliments, holding hands, kissing, touching as part of the daily routine, not just before sex, she may be feeling disconnected from him emotionally.

The scary thing when this happens is that she will notice this in other couples and feel bad about her own marriage or worse, someone comes along and gives her attention, makes her feel like a beautiful person (moreso inside than out) and the mind will fantasize and wonder 'Is this it for me - what I currently have in my marriage?'


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## turnera

Have we recommended yet that you ask her to fill out the Love Buster questionnaire from MB? It will tell you what YOU do that makes her unhappy, so you can stop doing it! It's a major first step to getting her to care about you - eliminating the bad in the marriage.

After that, after you've changed your habits to no longer LB her, then you ask her to fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire, so you'll know how to make her happy.

These two things can make a huge difference.


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## southbound

I certainly appreciate all the comments to help me shed some light. I just feel like her rerasons for divorce are lame when two people have been married for 18 years. To just feel like, "Oh, I'm not happy so I want a divorce," just seems weak. I feel like anything could be worked out after 18 years if people "wanted" to work it out. especially since I haven't done the major no no's like cheating or abuse.


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## Mom6547

southbound said:


> She told me recently that "we don't make love, we just have sex."


She may have handed the ticket to you right there. What does SHE mean by that?

To me, she means that she has fairy princess ideals about making love that aren't very realistic. 

But to her she might have insight on how to make love to her that would make her soul and heart sing. Trying to learn what "making love" is to her might just be the thing!

Good luck.


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## southbound

vthomeschoolmom said:


> She may have handed the ticket to you right there. What does SHE mean by that?
> 
> To me, she means that she has fairy princess ideals about making love that aren't very realistic.
> 
> But to her she might have insight on how to make love to her that would make her soul and heart sing. Trying to learn what "making love" is to her might just be the thing!
> 
> Good luck.



I'm not sure what she means. It appears she means that once you venture into the realm of something a little spicy, something other than just standard actions, she thinks that is just sex and no longer special.


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## SimplyAmorous

southbound said:


> I I just feel like her rerasons for divorce are lame when two people have been married for 18 years. To just feel like, "Oh, I'm not happy so I want a divorce," just seems weak. I feel like anything could be worked out after 18 years if people "wanted" to work it out. especially since I haven't done the major no no's like cheating or abuse.


I will be totally honest with you Southbound, IF my husband FELT that just cause he hasn't cheated on me, never abused me & just cause I have hung in for X amount of years was ENOUGH ---for ME to want to stay in an unfullfilling marraige (for whatever reason), he would be in for a very big surprise. Cal me shallow but I NEED more than that. 

Many many marraiges keep their vows -faithfully -when their hearts are FAR from their spouses. Resentment has slowly grown = more distance emotionally. 

She is missing something. Unfortunetly it doesn't matter if it even makes sense to you, whatever it is that has been lacking is THAT important to her. It is too bad she kept it a secret for so long - not talking to you in the beginning - cause now she feels it is too late. 

Another poster started a thread asking women what their "DEAL BREAKERS" are in marriage http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/18223-what-your-deal-breakers-women.html your wife must have some others in addition to your 3 (not cheating, , married X amount of years & not abusing her).


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## Mom6547

southbound said:


> I'm not sure what she means.


You can't ASK her?


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## southbound

vthomeschoolmom said:


> You can't ASK her?



Sure, we have talked, but I'm not sure she can express what she means deep down. When we have different conversations at different times, different things can be said. I think, however, that she thinks it should all be tender and sweet; she doesn't seem to care for anything spicy.


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## chingchang

> The only issue she has with sex is that she thinks I want it too much. She does not masturbate, and told me while we were dating that she never had in her life; she thinks stuff like that is weird.


EVERYONE masturbates and admits it or lies about it. Kids do it and they don't even know what they are doing. She is lying.



> The only desires she had with sex is for it to be as plain as possible.


This could be the result of past relationships, bad parenting or religious dogma.



> She tried to convince me that I'm a sex maniac because I would like it more than once every few weeks with a little spice.


Sex therapy is needed here my friend.



> I convinced her to look on a web site once where one could order sex furniture; she thought it was really weird and wondered who in their right mind would order that stuff.


Who in their "right mind" would NOT want to order that stuff?



> Perhaps it runs in her family.


Perhaps this sex-negative mindset is familial. I'm surprised the bloodline continues on...



> She told me once that her sister and her husband went for months without sex. She said her sister said that was something she just didn't need in a relationship.


How is your wife's health? Is she depressed? Is she on BC?

Hugs Brother!
CC


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## chingchang

SimplyAmorous said:


> Many many marraiges keep their vows -faithfully -when their hearts are FAR from their spouses. Resentment has slowly grown = more distance emotionally.


This is SO true! Everyone acts proud of the length of time they have spent married...as if that means anything. "We've been married 25 years!"...they'll say. But...what they didn't say is "...and we're miserable. I hate her and she hates me." What matters is the quality of the relationship...marriage or no marriage...divorce or no divorce. For many people marriage is a life sentence with no chance for early-release.

CC


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## Mom6547

chingchang said:


> EVERYONE masturbates and admits it or lies about it. Kids do it and they don't even know what they are doing. She is lying.


That is Just Not True. I was 25 before I masturbated. And even still I almost NEVER. And I say almost because I never say never.


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## southbound

SimplyAmorous said:


> I will be totally honest with you Southbound, IF my husband FELT that just cause he hasn't cheated on me, never abused me & just cause I have hung in for X amount of years was ENOUGH ---for ME to want to stay in an unfullfilling marraige (for whatever reason), he would be in for a very big surprise. Cal me shallow but I NEED more than that.
> 
> Many many marraiges keep their vows -faithfully -when their hearts are FAR from their spouses. Resentment has slowly grown = more distance emotionally.
> 
> She is missing something. Unfortunetly it doesn't matter if it even makes sense to you, whatever it is that has been lacking is THAT important to her. It is too bad she kept it a secret for so long - not talking to you in the beginning - cause now she feels it is too late.
> 
> Another poster started a thread asking women what their "DEAL BREAKERS" are in marriage http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/18223-what-your-deal-breakers-women.html your wife must have some others in addition to your 3 (not cheating, , married X amount of years & not abusing her).



I'm puzzled, though, because this is so out of character for her. And I don't understand why she faked the happiness with me and around others all these years. People almost fall to the ground when they hear we are getting a divorce. Even people who don't know us personally are totally amazed because she always seemed so happy.


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## SimplyAmorous

southbound said:


> I'm puzzled, though, because this is so out of character for her. And I don't understand why she faked the happiness with me and around others all these years. People almost fall to the ground when they hear we are getting a divorce. Even people who don't know us personally are totally amazed because she always seemed so happy.


 Alot of people are masters at Faking, gotta keep up those appearances, can't let anybody think we are not perfect. Or this is seriously a bad Mid Life Crisis !


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## chingchang

vthomeschoolmom said:


> That is Just Not True. I was 25 before I masturbated. And even still I almost NEVER. And I say almost because I never say never.


How about his...barring some kind of sexual trauma...or belief one will go to hell if they touch themselves...everyone masturbates.

CC


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## southbound

SimplyAmorous said:


> Alot of people are masters at Faking, gotta keep up those appearances, can't let anybody think we are not perfect. Or this is seriously a bad Mid Life Crisis !


I'm leaning tword a bad mid-life crisis, but I'm no expert, just a very confused man.


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## turnera

Well, you're wasting valuable time by just not asking the one person who MATTERS.


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## southbound

turnera said:


> Well, you're wasting valuable time by just not asking the one person who MATTERS.


Oh, believe me, I asked, but I feel I've exhausted that route, so I'm here looking for some understanding. She thinks she is perfectly normal except for the fact that she no longer wants me. She siad she is tired of people acting like she has a disease and hopes she gets better because she has these feelings.


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## turnera

The point is, you BOTH have an obligation to each other in a marriage. If she feels that SF is NOT part of that obligation, you have a decision to make: whether it will be a boundary of yours; i.e., whether you will leave the marriage if she chooses not to have SF with you. And if you decide that, you need to talk to her about it and let her know. Let her know that she CAN get this addressed by a professional, to find out why she opts out of what is considered a normal part of life. 

What is your boundary?


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## Kaitlin

You sound like a wonderful husband, but women put far more stock in the emotional and romantic things than the practical things. Cooking dinner is great, but higher a out-of-home sitter, and light some candles and you have something special. Telling her you love her daily is wonderful, but showing her with spontaneous acts like flowers, love notes, or jewelry on special occasions will go even further. I have heard that Love Dare book from the movie "Fireproof" has done a lot of good for relationships. Maybe you should check it out, and slowly start implementing these things and see if she changes her mind.


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