# How should I approach this?



## castroy24 (Nov 17, 2014)

Hello to my new family,

I am happy to have found this forum. Thank you in advance for all your support.

I need advice on how to confront a situation.

A little background – I recently got married 5 months ago to my wife that I met 2 years ago on vacation to her country. I have been visiting her every 2 – 3 months since we met and now just started the VISA process for her to come to the US with me.

She comes from a middle class family and has a job. She’s stable financially and I can honestly say it is not for Visa purposes. She currently lives a comfortable life.

On my most recent trip I think I made a mistake by looking at a certain text on my wife’s phone. She was taking a shower and her phone kept buzzing non-stop. She was getting a phone call from a guy. I opened her phone and saw missed calls from him. I also saw a text messages between him and my wife.
The text was started by my wife to him with the words “Hi love”. The conversation was not explicit…just her explaining a concerning situation in her town. He then advised her on something and said “I truly appreciate you” and she followed with “Ok love, I love you”. Then after that there were more attempts by her to communicate with just saying “hello”.
I looked up the guy’s name and see he’s on her Facebook page too. He is a married man and lives in her country.

I feel bad that I went into her phone but really concerned on what I found in the text. Those words “I love you” to another man is really hurtful. 

Should I confront her on what I saw? If so how should I do this without looking like I don’t trust her or snoopy. It’s much tougher as I am now back in the US and would rather talk to her face to face if I indeed should bring this up to her.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

What country is this. Does she have a brother? Could it be him?

Well, a girl needs options, if your option falls through, she can move in and move his wife out, or maybe she's his mistress. Some countries, cultures and customs are different. 

It's very troubling. How many husbands does she have now... Meet a girl on vacation means you don't get to really know her until later. You got what you got I'm afraid.

Good judgement. Next time be much more careful with your life. 

...anyway, ask your wife about all this. She may even tell you the truth, but doubtful she will.

Get her to the states and she'll probably do the same. Any proof otherwise? Or it's all innocent. No way anyone can answer you. Not enough info.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

could just be a cultural thing...some people throw around 'love' and 'I love you' like we say "have a nice day".

try to see if she uses that phrase with other people.

if not, could you hire a PI in her local town to investigate this guy and her?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

That's a huge red flag. If she's not having an affair with this guy, she's got some explaining to do.

Here's the thing though. If you confront now she'll probably say this is just a friend and that's how we talk. Nothing to it. Then she'll go to greater lengths to hide her communications if they are in an A.

The tough part is that you live apart and I would assume monitoring her is difficult. I guess what I would do would depend on whether you can continue to reliably monitor her or not. If you can, I would continue to do so for a week or two before confronting. Maybe you can get someone you trust to help you or even put a PI on her.

If you absolutely can't monitor her, I would confront her immediately; get ready for the "he's just a friend" story, and tell her she has to end all contact, including sending him a no contact letter. Insist that you have access to her communications. Then have a discussion about your trust in her and marital boundaries.

In our world, wives don't tell male friends "I love you". Since she did, you have every reason to ask her to stop contact.


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## castroy24 (Nov 17, 2014)

Q tip said:


> What country is this. Does she have a brother? Could it be him?
> 
> Well, a girl needs options, if your option falls through, she can move in and move his wife out, or maybe she's his mistress. Some countries, cultures and customs are different.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response. It's not her brother for sure.

I don't have any other evidence and hence hesitant to bring this up. She comes from a Latin country and yes I thought about the cultural thing.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

A Brit has a wife from Brazil and has many many issues... Don't recall his thread off hand.

Here's a U.S. One... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62071-think-i-caught-my-wife-cheating.html


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

it sounds like this has been a bit of a whirlwind romance.....and that you two have not really spent a huge amount of time together. Do you even know if this language is typical for her?? and do you communicate well enough together that you just can't ask who this is?? No one here can provide answers.....only she can. Unless you can ask a friend or family member of hers who the guy is. I know lots of folks who throw the "love yous" around without a romantic significance. But every case is unique. If your new marriage is so fragile you can't just ask, then that is a problem right there


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Don't know for sure if there is something funny going on, but I must say that the long-distance is ripe condition for shenanigans.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

I think that you should do a little research, BEFORE, you confront. If this is a cultural thing, or as oneMOreguy says, she is one of those touchy , feely kind of people who throw around ILY's like party favors, the it isn't a big deal. But you won't know any of this, until you get to know her and her culture , better than you do, now.
I have a friend who is married to a French woman, and she kisses EVERYBODY on the lips. Male or female, young or old. Even the dog. Different strokes, for different folks.


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## castroy24 (Nov 17, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> could just be a cultural thing...some people throw around 'love' and 'I love you' like we say "have a nice day".
> 
> try to see if she uses that phrase with other people.
> 
> if not, could you hire a PI in her local town to investigate this guy and her?


She comes from the Dominican Republic and I see they use the phrase "Mi Amor" to almost everyone. But I see that the phrase "Te amo" is usually used in a more intimate way for family or really close friends exclusively. She told him "Te amo" and she never introduced this guy to me. I've met most of her family and friends who attended our wedding. Some could not make it so I am not sure if this guy is family or a close friend or something else.

I speak the language very well as I myself am latin. However, DR customs are a bit different from mine.

As far as hiring a PI in that country, it would be tough getting someone trustworthy.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I would think that there would be other observable changes in her interaction with you that would indicate an affair...such as avoiding certain conversations or other inexplicable details that just seem to don't add up. 

Some cheaters are EXPERTS about covering their tracks, but one usually don't suspect something unless they started feeling it from their intuition first...as most people in an affair will pull away at first. 

My guess is that there is nothing going on.

Don't react just yet, just act normal and pay attention.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

No, it's not a cultural thing. Call it what it is, evidence of at least an emotional affair or more.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

only married 5 months??

get rid of her, before its too late and you regret it later. And you will regret it later.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

No amount of culture can explain a married person saying I love you to a person that is not the spouse.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
OR a relative. You'd fell pretty silly if it was her brother. 

At this point its fair to say that you heard her phone buzzing, picked it up and it was from XYZ. Did you call him back? See how she reacts. 






verpin zal said:


> No amount of culture can explain a married person saying I love you to a person that is not the spouse.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Cast,
I would not be too hasty to jump to conclusions. It may be an extended family member like a cousin. All marriages must be based on truth if they are to last. Are you not comfortable enough just saying "hey the other night your phone kept buzzing and I picked it up and saw a text where you told a guy you love him, what's that about?". If she gets fighting mad that you invaded her privacy then you will pretty much have your answer because there are no secrets like that between H and W. If she says "Oh that's my cousin Jorge from this or that town" and she shows no anger that you pried into her personal communications, then I would assume it's true. If she tells you who it is and you still have doubt then ask one of her family if it's true. I would advise cautious optimism.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

I don't often post but I read here a lot. I have to ask something.. you say that it is not for a visa. Unless she OWNS her own property in Dominican Republic, the chances of her getting a visa without marrying is slim to none...how do I know? well, hubby's best friend is a Canadian living full time in Dominican Republic, and he married a beautiful Dominican woman. They had to jump thru hoops so that they could get a visa for her to come here for a holiday with him! and the only reason she was granted one was because she owns two buildings in La romana (in a very poor barrio)

Did you meet your wife at a resort? maybe in Punta Cana? I hope to god you have not been used, but as I know MANY Dominicans, and am there frequently (just returned two weeks ago from a three week holiday, and am booked to return to Punta Cana on Jan 4th.)

I am not saying that there are no loyal Dominicans, there are for sure! but the culture is different. I have seen whole families in on the trickery.. actually bringing the girlfriend/boyfriend into their homes and pretending the actual husband is just a brother. Then before you know it.. there is a request for money sent to western union to them because "my phone broke, my mother needs an operation, I was in a moto accident and cannot work"

Please I don't mean to insult you. I just have seen it sooooo many times in Dominican Republic

If you didn't meet her at a resort, where did you meet her? And what is her job?


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## castroy24 (Nov 17, 2014)

donewithit said:


> I don't often post but I read here a lot. I have to ask something.. you say that it is not for a visa. Unless she OWNS her own property in Dominican Republic, the chances of her getting a visa without marrying is slim to none...how do I know? well, hubby's best friend is a Canadian living full time in Dominican Republic, and he married a beautiful Dominican woman. They had to jump thru hoops so that they could get a visa for her to come here for a holiday with him! and the only reason she was granted one was because she owns two buildings in La romana (in a very poor barrio)
> 
> Did you meet your wife at a resort? maybe in Punta Cana? I hope to god you have not been used, but as I know MANY Dominicans, and am there frequently (just returned two weeks ago from a three week holiday, and am booked to return to Punta Cana on Jan 4th.)
> 
> ...


No offense taken whatsoever. I've heard all the horror stories egarding the Sankie Pankies at dominican resorts. I met her at a party while visiting a friend of mine in Santo Domingo. We got married in DR and it will take a while before she can set foot in the US. So the only way I can see her is when I visit every 2 months. Her family has a clothing business so they are doing okay for themselves.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

castroy24 said:


> Thanks for your response. It's not her brother for sure.
> 
> I don't have any other evidence and hence hesitant to bring this up. She comes from a Latin country and yes I thought about the cultural thing.



stall the process until you get more info and demand answers and let her know the process of visa is stalled. You may begetting used


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> Cast,
> I would not be too hasty to jump to conclusions. It may be an extended family member like a cousin. All marriages must be based on truth if they are to last. Are you not comfortable enough just saying "hey the other night your phone kept buzzing and I picked it up and saw a text where you told a guy you love him, what's that about?". If she gets fighting mad that you invaded her privacy then you will pretty much have your answer* because there are no secrets like that between H and W.* If she says "Oh that's my cousin Jorge from this or that town" and she shows no anger that you pried into her personal communications, then I would assume it's true. If she tells you who it is and you still have doubt then ask one of her family if it's true. I would advise cautious optimism.


This post is what you do now. 

Read the bold. Basically, you answered the dang phone. It's funny how technology has made a regular device private now. My wife's cell phone goes off repeatedly, even before the probable EA, I'd answer it or see who was texting. Seriously it might be important. Never felt guilty before and still don't. You shouldn't' feel guilty either.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Given that she lives in another country you situation is made all that much harder.

Definately a Red Flag. Possible EA on your hands thats about to turn physical if it hasn't already.

You cant confront just yet. Your evidence is soft albeit concerning.

You will just have to do some studying on reliable Private Investigators over there and hire one to find out the truth.

Better to find out now before bringing her to the US based on a lie


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I don't care it she is from Mars, I love you to and from a married man is not acceptable.

I'll bet his wife doesn't think so either. Cultural my azz. 

Trouble ahead. I'd have my marriage annulled at this point. You are facing too many complications. 

Sorry


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

castroy24 said:


> If so how should I do this without looking like I don’t trust her or snoopy. .


This is the least of your problems. 

At the moment you need to interview yourself to find out how you will respond if your wife cheats on you. 

Then you need to look in the mirror and admit she has done just that.

What are you going to do about it?


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## castroy24 (Nov 17, 2014)

I actually took action. I had my friend who I went to visit the first time I met her do me a great favor. He was able to install a spyware on her phone for me. I purchased the software and instructed him how to do it in detail. Good thing he is a savvy guy and follows instructions well. He knows the family very well so it was not an issue. He claimed to her that there is an awesome music app she should download and "downloaded" it for her.

Any hoot, I am now able to read her text messages and get gps location and phone call logs.

So to my surprise "not"...there was a text between both of them and it reads like this:

Him: "muaaahhh, oh how I got accustomed to you so quickly."
Her: "so did I my love".

I will let this play out a bit more and gather as much info as I can before I reveal to her what I know. I will treat her like nothing is wrong for now. But it already looks like there is no denying something is going on between them. An annulment looks like what will be happening instead of a VISA.


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## castroy24 (Nov 17, 2014)

I feel so sick to my stomach 

But also in a way relieved before starting the VISA process.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

castroy24 said:


> I actually took action. I had my friend who I went to visit the first time I met her do me a great favor. He was able to install a spyware on her phone for me. I purchased the software and instructed him how to do it in detail. Good thing he is a savvy guy and follows instructions well. He knows the family very well so it was not an issue. He claimed to her that there is an awesome music app she should download and "downloaded" it for her.
> 
> Any hoot, I am now able to read her text messages and get gps location and phone call logs.
> 
> ...



and no kids........make sure you don't go too far to make it look like things are normal, like have sex without birth control.


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## castroy24 (Nov 17, 2014)

oneMOreguy said:


> and no kids........make sure you don't go too far to make it look like things are normal, like have sex without birth control.


No way....my next trip to see her was supposed to be in February. I don't think this will be happening. The only time I will go to her country would be to perhaps sign documents for annulment or divorce....and I think I don't even have to go for that matter. I will need to look into getting an annulment or divorce from here if possible.

What I mean by treating her like normal is communicating with her and being all lovey dovey.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I was going to say how would she feel if the roles were reversed but I don't have to now. Annulment sounds like the way to go. She is not acting like a wife and more than likely is simply playing you for what she can use you for. Sorry man but at least you did not have children with her.


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## castroy24 (Nov 17, 2014)

bryanp said:


> I was going to say how would she feel if the roles were reversed but I don't have to now. Annulment sounds like the way to go. She is not acting like a wife and more than likely is simply playing you for what she can use you for. Sorry man but at least you did not have children with her.


Thanks. It is heart breaking and I have so many emotions hitting me at once. But I will keep a level head and play this until it's undeniable. I don't want to blow the cover just yet.

As far as kids...we were already decided to wait until having kids...I was very adamant about that. So many expenses with the VISA and such. But now I will not have to worry about that. Need to get my head straight and reset my life back together. I will keep yall posted on how this turns out. 

Thanks for all your advises and responses. Much appreciated.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Castroy, I know you're hurting but if you read some stories here on TAM, you can count youself lucky.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

castroy24 said:


> I had my friend who I went to visit the first time I met her do me a great favor. *He was able to install a spyware on her phone for me. * I purchased the software and instructed him how to do it in detail. Good thing he is a savvy guy and follows instructions well. He knows the family very well so it was not an issue. He claimed to her that there is an awesome music app she should download and "downloaded" it for her.


Well done. Excellent move. I wish I'd have thought to suggest that to you myself. 

Talk to an attorney as soon as you can about an annulment. Find out what you may need to prove. My only concern is that the evidence you have likely can't be used in any legal proceedings - based on the way you obtained it.

If not, then hiring a PI to get documentable evidence might be worth the cost; if an annulment would save you time and money versus a divorce. Your lawyer can advise you on this.

Either way, you caught her. That's what's important.

Keep posting.


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