# How do I tell her I want space??



## TheDude (Jul 21, 2009)

I dont even know where to start.

I have a loving wife that wants nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with me, start a family and live happily ever after. I dont feel the same way. Im 27 she is 26. We've been married 3 years, together over 7.

We have our little fights, and right now things are tight with the economy in the toilet, but we're better off than probably 90% of people out there. 

But, something is wrong with me. I feel distant from her. I hide it and tell her I love her (I do), that everything is great, etc. but its not. We hardly have any of the same interests, Im a very outgoing person, Im loud, obnoxious at times, fun loving, etc. She is more quiet and reserved. I love the outdoors, four wheeling, camping, hunting, etc. She doesnt. She is a bit insecure, and needy. Its hard for me to do my own thing because she feels neglected, yet if I try to include her, she doesnt have any fun. This has led to me not doing alot of things I enjoy and I feel that I suffer from it.

And then here is the...kicker? I dont know what to call it. I've met someone else that I feel completes me. I've known this person for over 5 years, and we recently reconnected and Ive alway had strong feelings for her, I just wish she'd have been in a different position before I was married. This girl is much more independent, strong willed, outgoing, etc. She has the same interests I do. I find myself lusting after her, talking to her all the time, trying to spend time with her, etc.

So bottom line, Im an *******, I have it great and yet I want more or maybe just different. I dont know. Im lost. What if I tell my wife this, we break up, and then I find out that I really ****ed up and lost out on something great. Fuuuck.

I have no one to talk to anymore. Friends are pretty much non existant, the only family I have is my mom/grandparents and I know they'd be no help, hell my mom is married and unhappy, yet she wont do anything to change her situation.

I guess this is the end of my rant.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You are in an EA with TOW. She looks great, makes you feel like you are missing out on a lot but….. she is also jading your visions of your wife. If you really want to make the correct effort in making sure you don’t f’up a great thing then end all contact with TOW and concentrate on your wife and marriage. Do not get involved in a new relationship until you have made sure the old one in not recoverable and you end it in the right manner. My guess is your instincts are correct. You may leave your wife for TOW then rue the day you did it.


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## TheDude (Jul 21, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> You are in an EA with TOW. She looks great, makes you feel like you are missing out on a lot but….. she is also jading your visions of your wife. If you really want to make the correct effort in making sure you don’t f’up a great thing then end all contact with TOW and concentrate on your wife and marriage. Do not get involved in a new relationship until you have made sure the old one in not recoverable and you end it in the right manner. My guess is your instincts are correct. You may leave your wife for TOW then rue the day you did it.


I could be an EA...if I knew what that was :lol:

Ive actually felt this way about my wife for awhile now. Before TOW was in the picture. Its just been alot of things leading up to this.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

EA = Emotional Affair


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

I think this is sad. You are going to trash your marriage and hurt your wife very badly just because you have reconnected with your fantasy woman. 

Why in the heck did you marry your wife if you had the hots for this other girl all the away along? 

Sorry for the harsh words, but what you are doing is so cruel. Please think about what you are doing before you go any further. Your wife doesn't stand a chance and she doesn't even know it yet. And, you will probably wake up at some future point, after you have done all your damage and think, WTF have I done?!


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## TheDude (Jul 21, 2009)

COFLgirl said:


> I think this is sad. You are going to trash your marriage and hurt your wife very badly just because you have reconnected with your fantasy woman.
> 
> Why in the heck did you marry your wife if you had the hots for this other girl all the away along?
> 
> Sorry for the harsh words, but what you are doing is so cruel. Please think about what you are doing before you go any further. Your wife doesn't stand a chance and she doesn't even know it yet. And, you will probably wake up at some future point, after you have done all your damage and think, WTF have I done?!


She's not really my "fantasy woman". She is just a very down to earth girl.

My wife and I have talked about this whole thing. She knows there's some distance between us. I mean we have a good relationship, but I feel that the spark is gone.

And you dont think I know its cruel? I do. Its really tearing me apart and the thought of hurting my wife is even worse. I dont wanna put her through this. I want to be happy, but things arent going to change. 

Another thing I've left out is that I want to relocate to another state. We've been planning this for about a year. But when she realized I was serious, and we went to look at property. The conversation of her leaving her family behind is going to be very hard, and she doesnt know how long that she'll be able to be away from them. This threw up alot of red flags for me. I dont think she'll last and I think we'll end up split up and her coming back to her family. I have nothing holding me back, and everything to gain from a move. She has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, but she wont look at that, just that she is leaving her family.


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## ga72 (Jul 5, 2009)

just wanted to say i understand the whole bit about it not being there with your wife... i feel that way about my husband... and he's a great guy... but i find myself less interested in what he is doing (activities/hobbies-wise), there is a definite distance between us (emotionally/mentally/physically) and yet i'm still here... we do have a daughter, so that makes it a little different than your situation. but i will tell you, if we didn't, it would make my decision easier... and if all of that feeling was going on before you reconnected with this other woman, then you need to really focus on that and really try to separate the two and see if you could fix it, or if you even want to, and if not, then to be fair and decent to your wife, you should end it... and some may not like and say to be fair and decent you should continue to plug away at your marriage... but i think that isn't fair to you or her... you both deserve to be happy and if you aren't making her happy, someone else will.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

While you are with your wife, you need to remove this other woman from the picture. As was said, this other woman, whether you had these feelings or not before she came into the picture, it's screwing with your head right now. 

You need to make a completely unbiased decision about your current relationship. I can't tell you what that should be, but I know that the other woman shouldn't be in your mind when doing it. 

If you are that serious about this, maybe you need to take the next step when talking with your wife. Let her know you are thinking of leaving. Tell her why. Maybe she'll agree with you. Maybe she'll do something that will make you want to stay.


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## TheDude (Jul 21, 2009)

Sorry I havent been home all day.

Ga72, Im glad you can relate, its sad that you can though. 

TOW as you guys put it, she knows what Im going thru. Has asked nothing of me, and wont. She told me I need to figure out what is right for me. If its her, great. If its not...she understands. She doesnt play head games, she doesnt get jealous. 

I just cant get away from the fact that if those feelings werent serious, I wouldnt have felt this way for over 5 years. I tried putting her out of my mind, and not talking to her. It got me nowhere.


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## goatz (Jul 21, 2009)

If you still love your wife and want to make it work you should not contact this other women ever again. Your seeing what your wife is missing, not what she has. The prospect of a new an exciting relationship can entice one to make hasty and rash decisions. Did you feel this way about your wife before this new girl came into the picture? You may gain something you think you've been missing, but remember she may not have the same good qualities that your wife has, and again you may come to miss that also. It is quite a dilemma.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I think you're thinking like a giddy teenager. This other woman is something else.  She has some nerve to get involved with a married man. What kind of morals does she have? Ask yourself that. I would tell any married male friend to talk to his WIFE if he started sharing intimate details about their marriage. She's trouble. Cut off all communication and get rid of her!!! Work on your marriage. Leaving your wife for this ding dong would be the biggest mistake of your life. I can guarantee it! Summon your adult agostate cause right now nobody's home in your brain right now. Your not in an adult, logical frame of mind. It's all excitement, chemicals and lust clouding your judgement.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Your post struck a note with me, as you describe my 27 year relationship between me and my dh. The only thing is, by the time I realized we were not truly compatible, we already had three children; so I woman'd up and stuck just it out. I've spent 24 years being the wife he wanted and the woman I am not. 

You are lucky, you can man up, discuss with your wife, the option of you and she going your separate ways. No kids to consider. 

There is nothing worse than having to give up things you want enjoy in life with another person, just because your spouse doesn't want to do things. 

My dh hates the outdoors, camping, hiking, hunting, building things, our family working as a team. I grew up with all that, it was lots of fun. I assumed when we married we would do all that and MORE when we had kids. Boy was I WRONG! We don't even do the things HE and I did for the three years we dated - the fun stuff just stopped! He just changed into this distant, workaholic and I got stuck with raising our three kids. I can't tell you how many times I've gone places ALONE with just my kids, I wanted them to at least have some fun! I've taken them everywhere a normal family would go, except I was always a single parent doing it, because dh just didn't see kids need to be exposed to good and fun things in life! (Like camping, fishing, hiking). I've even taken sons to monster truck shows (which I hate, and most men would do with a son) because one son just begged to get to go to one. (Son discovered the noise was too much, too...whoa). 

Glad you don't have kids, because THEN you'd really be stuck.

Get the other woman at a distance though, don't let her be in the background influence your decision. That would be wrong. You have to do this ALONE. Don't jump from wife to another woman..would be big mistake.


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## mrslmndz (Apr 14, 2009)

I am wondering why did you get married in the first place if you say you have been feeling like this for five years and you have only been married for 3? It's really sad how you feel but is it really due to your wife or are you just unhappy with yourself and you think that happiness will come along with this other women. You seem like you have already made a decision and this women is the escape. Never let another person influence your decision, don't let this other women influence it. She might not say anything but she is there listening to you therefore she knows what she is doing and what she is getting into. Your wife I really feel sad for her. She has no idea that you feel this way and to her it will come as a big surprise one that will hurt her very much and one that will most likely destroy her self esteem. Being left for another person is the hardest thing to deal with and it seems like you have already given up on her and your marriage without giving her and your marriage a chance solely because of this other women. Have you tried marriage counseling? You are deceiving her by telling her that you love her and when you decide to leave her she will realize that all you told her were lies and that she really wasn't worth your effort.. Think about it, a new person might bring excitement in your life and if you really decide to give up don't do it because of this other women. Let this other women go completely before you let go of your wife and if then you still feel the same way then you will know that it wasn't because of someone else but because of how you felt then you will know you really gave it a chance. Your wife is still young and if you truly don't love her she can have another chance of real love a man that she deserves and a man who will know how to really truly love her.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I second what mrslmndz has told you. My ex-husband did EXACTLY what you are doing to your wife. Told me he loved me, wanted to work on our marriage and BAM..I want a divorce. The skank he was involved with totally influenced his decision. I don't want to be with a man that's manipulated and controlled like that anyway. Your wife deserves better. DON'T string her along if you have no intention of continuing on with your marriage. The sooner you tell her the better. However don't be surprised down the road when reality hits you and you figure out you made a huge mistake in ending things with your wife. I know when my ex figures out what an ass he is there is NO WAY IN HELL I would ever take him back. Good Luck.


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## Scared (Feb 11, 2009)

End the relationship with the other girl. She has the ONE thing your wife doesn't and you are probably going to realise that she does not have anything that your wife does after it is too late. If you don't end it completely with this other girl, you will not be able to fix things with your wife and one day you might really regretting it. I was in a similar situation and actually ended up marrying the guy who I thought was my perfect match and he is a terrible husband and father. He cheats on me and doesn't want to do any of the things that made us connect. You and your wife need to make friends. Help her make friends and you need to make GUY friends and stay away from other women until you can get your head on right. If your marraige ends, you will really want to know it was over and you didn't just screw it up.


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## Scared (Feb 11, 2009)

She probably does not want to move because your relationship is on the rocks and she is scared that you won't be there for her. No one wants to be moved far away from home and then dumped. 

Try to have fun with her, really try. And give her time to try back. Tell her you are sorry you haven't been trying hard enough (even if you thing you have) and ask her to try with you.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Get rid of the "kicker" and work on your marriage. You owe it to your wife to talk to her and tell her that you aren't satified.


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## TheDude (Jul 21, 2009)

Wow, lots more posts than I thought. Ive been doing alot of thinking these last couple of days and Im so torn up. I dont know why this is going on. My nerves are shot, and it made me sick today. 

Someone mentioned that I might be unhappy with myself. I am unhappy with myself, and this whole thing isnt helping. The economy has killed my business, where I live now, work is very slow. Im just generally unhappy. 

I have another issue, and that is kids. I swear to god every single person we associate with has asked us "oh when are you guys going to start having kids??" I always get this look from my wife like, "I was ready yesterday, but someone else isnt". I ****ing hate that. I got asked this last night, and I seriously wanted to get up from dinner and just leave. 

Im going to try and talk to my wife about this. Im gonna tell her Im unhappy and that I dont know what to do. Its going to break her heart and that in turn is gonna break my heart. 

I think maybe I just need to get on my motorcycle and leave for about a week.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I believe marriages can survive in the long haul without a lot of common hobbies or similar personality traits. My husband and I are very opposite, and yet we manage to compromise and work out our problems(most of the time.) Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your wife, or do you want to be infatuated with other women? It is okay to have some alone time. It is okay to have other friends to share activities, just not have an affair. I strongly recommend keeping the lines of communication open. Have you even told your wife about this other woman? I think it's the secrecy that is eating away at you.


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## mrslmndz (Apr 14, 2009)

It seems like you are going through a break down if you want to just get on your motorcycle and leave for about a week. Hope is not to get away from your problems and just time to think at what really is going on... If you do, don't communicate with the other women. Most of the time, one leaves thinking its going to be about one week then they end up with the other women then there is no turning back leaving you to make decisions that you will regret later.


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## momof4 (Jul 29, 2009)

I know exactly how you are feeling... I am in the same situation you are in. I have been married 10yrs now and I love my husband, however I feel a void in my heart. Very hard to describe to people and when you try they think your crazy cause you have a great thing going on with your spouse. 
Anyway I have a friend that I have known for many years and within the past 9months I began to feel an attraction for him, so strong of an attraction that I began second guessing my marriage with my husband. I know that I am a smart woman and that I should be with my H, but with my friend comes excitement its a new experience and although I haven't had any physical contact with this friend I have began to get attached. All the compliments he gives me, the sound of his voice, the fact that we are both very outgoing down to earth people. We laugh and flirt often and I know if I don't cut all ties with him I am going to go further. 
The one thing that makes my situation different is that we have kids together. I have decided not to be selfish and give my husband the respect that he deserves in talking to him about my feelings, that something is missing, that I am attracted to someone else. This all broke his heart and it hurt just as much to see with my own eyes how much pain he is going through. After seeing that it helped to realize that I was living a fantasy, everything in the beginiging is a new and exciting experience. The experience that gives you butterflies.
Another thought if you left your wife for TOW, how much respect would TOW have for you knowing that you left your spouse for her. I can guarantee that she will have trust issues with you if you begin a relationship with her. 
I do believe you are just unhappy with your life at the moment you need to seek help and when you do don't lie and kid yourself it will only hurt you more in the long run. Once you begin the help on your own include your wife you would be surprised at how much a therapist can help you rekindle your relationship. Its a damn good eye opener. 

Good luck and keep us posted.


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## d346 (Aug 4, 2009)

TheDude said:


> I dont even know where to start.
> 
> I have a loving wife that wants nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with me, start a family and live happily ever after. I dont feel the same way. Im 27 she is 26. We've been married 3 years, together over 7.
> 
> ...


How's it going man? I've saved this post on my phone and keep checking back to see if there's any updates. You've described how I feel "to-a-T" and I was wondering how you're doing. Difference b/t you and I though; I have a 5 year old boy who I can't imagine not seeing everyday.


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## Joker101 (Sep 23, 2009)

I too cant figure out how to tell my hubby that I need some space. No affair or anything like that. I am just, well, Unhappy. We have been married for 4 years dated for about 1, but have known each other for several years from work. I am divorced he is a widower. He has some quirks that I thought I could live with (turns out I can't) he is a great guy, good provider etc. But he stresses me out. How do I tell him I want out!!!???


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Get rid of the other woman, now. You owe it to your wife. there is no way you can make a good decision when you have this "other woman" taking up space in a relationship built for two.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Your post is called how do I tell her I want space....

What is space in a marriage? 

Space for what?

Why would she want to give you space????

You experince your marriage as a 'tight' place because you actually want something 'outside' of this -

If you don't love her and want to divorce say that.

You'll get all the space you need.

Will she be hurt? yes

Will you be the bad guy? yes

If you are being honest - then accept that 'man up' and move on.

The issue is that if you do this to have the 'space' to pursue your EA you'll NEVER know if you gave your marriage and your wife (who I am presuming loves you?) a fair chance.....

If you f***up you F****up -

Your choice

no-one can see the future 

be honest with yourself and your wife now. -


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