# May Not Make it to 25 Year Anniversary



## 25 year bail out (Jun 25, 2013)

I am new here, I hope this will help me a little. I really could use some support. We have been married 25 years this coming November 2013. We may not make it. I caught my hubby having cybersex with an old high school sweetheart. Then he informs me the reason why he pursued this is because he is no longer interested in my body and has not for a very long time. I always tried to initiate sex but he is the one who always made an excuse. Now it gets worse. I am a 16 year breast cancer survivor and he has the nerve to tell me my body turns him off. I have had two operations for reconstruction. I cannot make it look 100% anymore. It is what it is. In a bra you would never know. I am not overweight, I do not look my age and I am in good health otherwise. I think all this is an excuse for him to move on, but it has hurt me something awful. I cannot hate him though because he has always been there for me before. He tells me I have not done anything wrong and we were always best friends. I am lost. I have seen a counselor twice and he is going to go tomorrow for the first time. I think 25 years is enough to want to give this a shot at working, but I really do not know how to live this out day by day. Any help out there??


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

so sorry you are here. And congratulations on surviving a horrible disease. I guess my advice would be divorce his sorry azz and take everything you can get. He ought to be ashamed of himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 25 year bail out (Jun 25, 2013)

I am not a hateful person. I recognize that he was always there for me. I actually went through 5 operations in one year for various stuff and he was always there for me.The same for both reconstruction ops. I just don't know why now. He says he doesn't want to hurt me that he cares for me. He will not say"I love you", nor will he say "I don't love you". The psychologist I see says to leave him alone to make up his own mind that he sounds very confused. This is the absolute worst way to spend every single day. I have learned to find the problem and attack it and fix it, not to sit back and watch it devour your life. I just do not know how to handle this.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry you're in this situation. My wife is a 19 year survivor with reconstruction. I feel no less attracted to her today as I did then. That said, I don't think that his feelings have anything to do with that. He is addicted to the OW that is why he is not attracted to you. If you want this relationship, there are some steps for you to take. It will not be easy and there are no guaranties. 

Others will be along to help you. I would suggest you post your thread in the infidelity area, for advice from who have walked in your shoes. 

Here is some reading.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

A Betrayed Spouse's Guide to Responding to Marital Infidelity - Part I 

Good luck.

BTW, Is he still in contact with the OW?


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## 25 year bail out (Jun 25, 2013)

Watched him block her on FB. Then found he unbloced, and then blocked again. Since then she has stayed blocked. Don't know about his email. Saw the charges on his cell phone and have been monitoring them. It looks like it stopped but who knows. I do know that if he wants to contact her he will find a way. I just haven't seen anything that tells me he still is communicationg with her. I just don't want to give up on this we both have a lot of time invested together.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Unfortunately, I am in a similar predicament as your husband in that I am not attracted to my wife of 20 years. It isn't due to mastectomy but instead it is her morbid obesity. I feel the same way as your husband ... I don't want to hurt her but at the same time I don't know how to make myself physically attracted to her. Funny that I don't think a mastectomy with reconstructive surgery would be a turn off to me at all, especially in an otherwise healthy and fit person. The extent of my wife's obesity though ... well that is entirely unattractive and probably what bothers me more is that unlike you, it is something within her control.

Even though I don't necessarily find fault with him for what he considers attractive and what he doesn't, the affair is inexcusable. That is a cowardly and selfish act. He doesn't want to hurt you so instead of manning up to his feelings and communicating them with you, he gets his needs taken care of elsewhere.

My honest advice is to proceed with a divorce filing. Maybe he'll wake up to what he is losing and you'll have a chance at salvaging the 25 years you've had together. Right now, he is addicted to this other woman.


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## Loving hubby (May 31, 2013)

I am horrified by people who say the things your husband has. My wife's uncle said the same thing to his wife, wxcep for her, she was too heavy. Well, during the divorce proceedings, he got cancer and was scared and lonely, and now she was loving and kind enough to go back to him and be there for him. My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, she had my daughter almost 5 years ago and she is having my second child in a few months and my affection and desire for her have never gone down at all and i can't imagine it ever will. 

I hope your husband comes to his senses and realizes how lucky he is to have you and finds that spark he must have lost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

OP Sorry that you are here. Listen I love my wife to death. She is nowhere physically the I married at this point. I am way more attracted to her because I just love her. It is not conditional on a look. Now if she chose to let herself go by eating bon bons and being sedentary I may feel differently but if she lost a breast to cancer or both I would do everything within my power to make her feel whole.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I think the initial shock of whats happening isn't allowing you to think that the problems were there well BEFORE he took it to facebook. These are all just symptoms of deeper issues. He's trying to justify things in his mind as to why its ok. Sometimes them trying to justify things are obviously painful, but candy coat the real problems.

He knows what is gonna hurt you, and it allows him to push you away faster. It doesn't make it true, he's just trying to run without facing the consequenses. How old are both of you? could he be starting a mid life crisis? Hows his job? Hows your finances? Lost family or friends recently? Kids involved? Theres more to the story that has to be investigated, he didn't just wake up that day and decide he was going on facebook. I promise this has been lingering for a while. 

If you care to share more details, and I understand if your not, we might be able to help you get to the bottom of it all. Thus get you better advice and how to proceed.


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## 25 year bail out (Jun 25, 2013)

JUSTSOMEGUY, I want to tell you exactly what I told my husband. I told my husband if he dosen't love me to leave me that there is somebody out there who will love me for who I am. You need to be fair to your wife. If you do not love your wife then tell her. Obese or not there is somebody out there who will love her for who she is. If you really care about her you would share this information and tell her that you want her healthy enough to spend time with you. If she doens;t try to change then you have your answer. have you told her this?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

He is going to IC or MC. 

Does he want to try to repair the marriage?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

25 year bail out said:


> JUSTSOMEGUY, I want to tell you exactly what I told my husband. I told my husband if he dosen't love me to leave me that there is somebody out there who will love me for who I am. You need to be fair to your wife. If you do not love your wife then tell her. Obese or not there is somebody out there who will love her for who she is. If you really care about her you would share this information and tell her that you want her healthy enough to spend time with you. If she doens;t try to change then you have your answer. have you told her this?


Absolutely, there is no question ... and yes, after years of crucifying myself over this, we've had this discussion.

I would like to point out though that I DO love her. That isn't conditional on how attracted I am to her. I will always be there for her no matter what ... but that doesn't stir my loins when I look at her. The difference can be best described as loving her but not being in love with her ... the intimacy isn't there anymore. I am also well aware that there IS someone out there who is perfect for her ... and if we don't make it then I sincerely hope she finds that person.


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## 25 year bail out (Jun 25, 2013)

How old are both of you? I am 62 he just turned 65 and went on Medicare. Yes I think he is having a mid-life crisis that is while I encouraged him to get counseling. Hows his job? His job is OK, he is semi-retired from his previous job and just does an easy one now. I am the money cow instead. While his online affair was taking place he got two red light tickets and had two accidents and was suspended for two days. Something tells me his mind was not on his job. Hows your finances? Finances are great, better than ever. Kids are grown and gone no problems there. No deaths in the family. He says this feeling has been going on for at least 10 years and he did not want to hurt me.......yeah right.


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## 25 year bail out (Jun 25, 2013)

ANCHORWATCH what is IC/MC??


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Oh that makes me angry at him on your behalf! If you can come out of "hurt" and be angry I think it will be more productive. You sound like a beautiful faithful strong woman. Look up the 180

He's in an affair fog. 
This is for him:


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

So he feels your marriage is in a rut maybe? How much quality time do you spend together? Vacations? We see on this forum a lot that people think that because there marriage has survived longevity, that the hard work is over, when it truth its just the opposite, it take more work to keep it "alive".

Theres a book: the 5 love languages. Its about showing your partner love in a way that they actually accept it.

The reason an EA (emotional affair) gets started, is the spark or connection. Sounds like your marriage has been missing that spark for a while. Can you find it again, absolutely. Another thing that goes missing in a long term marriage is appreciation. Things get so routine that things become expected, so no rewards on an emotional level are validated. Thus the rut. 

Sounds like some old habits need to be broken, expectation for one. Try new things together, build those bridges, don't keep walking over the same ones. Its important to keep some things stable, but in other ways experiment a little.

Theres no rules as to trying something a little different, that's what an EA is, something different, something exciting.

If your finances are good, start with a weekend trip somewhere. How long has it been since you went to dinner and a movie? Try a different restaurant? Take a walk together? Hows that sex life now, how was it in the past? when was the last time you did something different, sex on the couch? mix it up? I don't mean to be rude, when was the time you both tried a different position. (don't answer that here, that for you to answer in your mind). Do you ever try to be seductive? dominating? Sex is a big connection for most men, its one of the 5 love languages. 

Its sounds like your husband is reaching out to feel life. How do you feel your life have been? the status quo? A lot of these answers aren't for public viewing, but for you and your husband to answer. Sounds like you need to open some lines of communication, which is hard if they've been broken for a while.


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## 25 year bail out (Jun 25, 2013)

Thumper those are all great suggestions, and I am ready and willing for those to take place, but he is not. For about the past three months he has been withdrawn and carrying on his cyber affair. He did not want to do anything except maybe go out to dinner. he does not want sex with me, and makes excuses. He does not want to go on vacation with me. He sounds like he is done with me. He goes out with friends and is involved in many hobbies. I on the other hand have no family and no nearby friends and I stay home and clean, read books do gardening...I need a life...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

25 year bail out said:


> JUSTSOMEGUY, I want to tell you exactly what I told my husband. I told my husband if he dosen't love me to leave me that there is somebody out there who will love me for who I am.


That's the only stance to take. Good for you. You can't nice or beg them back. That leads to my question. What does he want to do?


IC = Individual Counseling

MC = Marriage Counseling


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

25 year bail out said:


> Thumper those are all great suggestions, and I am ready and willing for those to take place, but he is not. For about the past three months he has been withdrawn and carrying on his cyber affair. He did not want to do anything except maybe go out to dinner. he does not want sex with me, and makes excuses. He does not want to go on vacation with me. He sounds like he is done with me. He goes out with friends and is involved in many hobbies. I on the other hand have no family and no nearby friends and I stay home and clean, read books do gardening...I need a life...


Sorry for the cross post. I saw your answer to Thumper.

Yes than you do need a life out side of him ASAP.

Here are some books that may help. "Divorce Busters" and Divorce Remedy" 

Pay attention to the 180 and GAL (Get A Life) These should help. 

The Healing Heart: The 180

Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

25 year bail out said:


> .I need a life...


Here is the 180. I bolded things about ^^

Weiner-Davis puts together a list of do's and donts for those dealing with a fog filled spouse which include;
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
*12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.*
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
*27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).*
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

The logic of this approach lies in the all too often fact that the wayward spouse feels the betrayed spouse are a "given" in their lives and that they (the wayward spouse) are the arbiter of whether the marriage survives (after all, it is all about them). ... The benefit for the betrayed spouse, even if the marriage does not survive is that both Plan B and the 180 help rebuild self esteem and self reliance which will stand you in good stead regardless. source​


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He is saying mean and hurtful things to justify his own wretched behavior. This is called the cheater script. There is an affair in your marriage which is like your cancer... It is the problem and has to be destroyed. You do this through exposure. It's not fun to have a cybersex affair when all his friends, children, the other woman's family etc are all aware or it.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Ok so your problems are a little further along than I thought. That's ok. DONT PANIC.

Right now your husband is living an illusion, he thinks this woman is giving him what he's missing.......excitement.

Theres really nothing you can do about him right now, he'll find out soon enough the grass isn't greener. He's projecting everything great about your lives along with what he thinks he's missing currently to make up "complete" version of what he thinks it should be. He'll be surprised when he finds out that's not how it works. Its time to focus on you.

The 180, with some personal tweaking is a great way to find yourself, let him realize just what he's gonna be missing out on, and address some issues that have been lacking for some time.

The 180 isn't about the silent treatment or staying away. Its about doing the opposite what you would normally be doing. Its about taking care of yourself and putting some mystery back in his mind about what he's gonna be missing out on. Its tricky at first, its a lifestyle change, and i'll be honest it doesn't guarantee a thing one way or the other. BUT you will discover a lot about yourself, your situation, and maybe even discover some new things that you've buried yourself after years.

I think a good first step, since you say your kids are grown up. Hopefully one of them is out of town, time to go pay a visit. Get away, spend time with family. Don't tell him where your going, but if he asks say your leaving for a few days. Let him worry about what your doing for once. Don't call him, or check on him, and see if the kid/s are willing to allow you to keep it quiet. Its not the time to give your kids much information either. But treat it, at least with him, as your ready to move on already.


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## 25 year bail out (Jun 25, 2013)

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone. I did not have any idea how much support I would get here and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I am hopeful, yet protective of myself and I am taking your suggestions to heart. I am going to join the "Y" this evening and hopefully that will be a place of solace for me plus the physical part is excellent for venting frustration. And who knows, maybe with a few pounds off this hot mama will be noticed by said hubby, and if not by him them maybe someone else. It could be exciting....? Oh well it doesn't hurt to 1) be positive, and 2) have a sense of humor. 
Thanks again all, I will check in on a daily basis to let you know how I am doing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

25 year bail out said:


> I just wanted to say thanks to everyone. I did not have any idea how much support I would get here and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I am hopeful, yet protective of myself and I am taking your suggestions to heart. I am going to join the "Y" this evening and hopefully that will be a place of solace for me plus the physical part is excellent for venting frustration. And who knows, maybe with a few pounds off this hot mama will be noticed by said hubby, and if not by him them maybe someone else. It could be exciting....? Oh well it doesn't hurt to 1) be positive, and 2) have a sense of humor.
> Thanks again all, I will check in on a daily basis to let you know how I am doing.


I am also in my 60's and I recently ended my 45 year marriage (husband cheated). Do not fear whatever the future brings. You can handle it.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> 25 year bail out
> I am hopeful, yet protective of myself and I am taking your suggestions to heart. I am going to join the "Y" this evening and hopefully that will be a place of solace for me plus the physical part is excellent for venting frustration. And who knows, maybe with a few pounds off this hot mama will be noticed by said hubby, and if not by him them maybe someone else. It could be exciting....? Oh well it doesn't hurt to 1) be positive, and 2) have a sense of humor.
> Thanks again all, I will check in on a daily basis to let you know how I am doing.




*You are talking the right action. Please consider the 180 also!*

I am in my 60s also and you sound like a jewel! I have no doubt that someone will notice you. Also, I think there is still hope that your husband will come out of his unrealistic fog and work hard at rebuilding with you. However you must prepare yourself in the event he stays selfish and in La La land.

I know that you are hurt to the bone but you can get through this if he comes back or if he does not come back. Your life does not end because your husband is weak and in his unrealistic world. *I would highly recommend that you concentrate on building yourself up, body, mind, and spirit. DO NOT fall for the guilt trap, work on only you for now.! You are not the one that has fractured the marriage he has.*


You may be tempted to compromise because you are so hurt and desperate but with out any hate just be determined, disciplined, and don’t quit and you will have a much better life with or without him.

Your husband needs to have a crises in order to jolt him out of his selfish fantasy land. *Seeing you getting into a position of enough self efficiency that you can let him go should jar him like an earthquake.* If it does not then he is too far gone and you can then make another life for yourself

You are from my era of music so maybe you have heard the song, “You don’t know what you got until you lose it” Your husband has to see in real life that he is about to loose you and that has to be real not a bluff.. *This can be accomplished by you building yourself up and doing the 180*.

Do not fall for the thoughts that try to tell you that you are not a desirable woman. *I can tell by your words that you are a decent and soft hearted woman that deserves to be loved and cared for.*


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