# Do some people just not care????



## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I'm just over 4 months separated from H. He left, his choice....I begged him to stay and try to make it work from inside the marriage / counseling etc. He refused, said he had made up his mind, wanted space etc. This on a background of an affair 18 months previous.....and then on my part suspicions (strong) that was having another (or maybe the same) affair......

I'm finding it very tough.....I took some time off work when he left - I was in melt down - and I'm now off again for the past 6 weeks - my doctors has started me on antidepressants and I'm having counseling now.

I'm still struggling with the pain and hurt. Day to day its exhausting. We were together since I was 17, now I'm 30 - married for 6 years. No kids. I am just devastated....he just doesn't seem to care.....we have had very little contact since 4 months when he left. I haven't seen him at all, only a few phone calls about practical things like bank account, car etc. 
No 'meaningful' discussions about 'us' (which for him doesn't seem to exist as a concept anymore), no texts, no emails etc. i haven't asked him to reconsider / tried to change his mind since he left.

How is it that he can just 'get on' with his new life, go out, live as single etc, while in contrast, I'm off work, depressed, hurt, confused and really suffering. I feel so empty inside, it's like I don't know who I am anymore without him. To make things more pointed, most of my good friends and sister are all now all happily married and pregnant or with first babies already. That's what I wanted with my H.....I really wanted to start our family.......now it might be too late for me......I don't know how to get over this pain......

I have tried doing things for myself, work on myself, try to stop focusing on him and what he might or might not be doing.....but it seems so empty and purposeless.........I loved him very deeply and truly cared about 'us' and our marriage.

why aren't I feeling any better??????? and how is it possible that he is just able to move on so easily???????????

btw what I have done (although not on purpose -just cos it is too painful to speak to him) is the 180 thing that people talk about on here - I must say, I don't believe it 'works' because the other person has to want you back 'secretly' deep down......in my case, there is no evidence that not seeing or contacting me has made my H reconsider what he has done.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I am glad you are having counseling. This is such a hard place to be in. And so exhausting. I am also not sure about the 180 thing. I think it is great for some people. I only got somewhere with my husband when I asked him flat out here he saw things ending up & then we had a good talk. But he had other issues, like feeling I wasn't there emotionally for him, so the 180 would have been the worst thing I could have done.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Hi babyheart, yes, I think a straight honest conversation about where I stand will be needed at some point.....I'm just very fearful to confront that......it makes me so anxious just to think of it.....I would like to feel stronger first, but I don't know if that can happen. Right now, I'm just so broken and low 

I think the 180 thing isn't a good strategy in general, it might help people move on though, because cutting contact is supposed to make healing faster....I don't really see how it would encourage someone to come back though....


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

The 180 Isnt just to get them back its also so you can move on. I didnt beg or cry from the beginning, I did it so I could move on and yes it helps. I have been going through it longer than you now so of course its easier for me now. I also have a small child and I think having him was my strength through it all. I couldnt neglect him by chasing stbx so I focused on my son and myself. 

If there is a god this will be over soon for me, I am so over this now. time helps believe me. you need to pick yourself up and start living, my stbxh left for someone else, I could tell what days he was with her because his calls became less and less, now I guess it has been over for some time because he is a pain in the ass now, I told him the other day how miserable he looked and he needs to find someone who makes him happy, see someday you will be where I am and just wish them well. He is the lonely one now, just the day before yesterday, he showed up at my house(its still our marital home until end of march, he dont live here) he picks my son up on tuesdays, and he will then give me my check, well this was monday and he brought me my check, 7pm mind you, he hung around for over an hour, doing nothing, he sat down and looked like a lost puppy, I just watched my tv show and hoped he would leave. 


he came the other day and went through my tv stand looking at what was in the stand, didnt take anything. he constantly calls for no reason, like yesterday he calls I did answer cause i thought he was calling about an apartment I am getting and he says hi, what are you doing, I said nothing, he said you know the movers are coming the 24th right, he knew I knew, then he says oh i thought i had to ask you something else, i cant think of it, so i said ok let me go. and the other day he leaves a message on the answering machine hey you guys home, im at walmart and was wondering if you wanted anything. he calls for the stupitest things. I think he is regreting his disission but i have already moved on, not because I dont love him, I do love him, its because the way he treated me. I dont want a man who can treat me like that, in the beginning while he had his gf he was a douche. he also has his whole family against me for nothing, I dont think he actually meant for them to hate me its just how his family is. 

he got them way to involved. and he would put his family before me and his son and I dont want anyone like that, my son and I should al;ways come first, I asked him a question the only question I would like answered told him i didnt even care if he still loved me, my question was if you had regrets and thought you made a mistake in leaving us, would you have the balls to tell your family? he never did answer it, and that was my answer, his family is so intimidating to him and he puts them first. not interested in someone like that. so time heals, you will see. its early for you two but in a yr or mabey 2 you will be telling some other poster the same as I am telling you.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

thank you bellringer.....your reply brought some tears to my eyes......I so hope that you are right.....I agree with what you say, limiting contact is the only way to free yourself to move forward....I am doing that, it is the only thing I have some control over.....but the pain is sometimes unbearable......

I feel exactly the same as what you said.....I love my husband deeply, but the hurt that he has caused is too great, I can't trust him....all the things that he has done/ is doing.....I would never do those things to him, never. It is so difficult to comprehend and so painful.

I am praying that I will begin to find my own worth again.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Remember when you were younger and had other boyfriends, we all had them and loved them, I still think of them sometimes when I go somewhere and it reminds me of us, but I got over them and wouldnt want them back, In time it will be the same as that for your ex husband. I lost both my parents very young and that was the hardest thing I even had to get through, and I got through it, I still think of them everyday. time is all we need. I beleive what goes around comes around and I have to admit, I am getting pleasure watching him suffer a little now, he is so miserable and lonely, to sit at my house the other nite all sad was great to witness, my sons school called today and told me he is out of his special reading class he is doing great, I asked the teacher how his behavior was because she knows we are in the middle of a divorce and I want to know if he is having any trouble, she said no he is great, he even goes in and tells her all the things we do together, and we do alot, so i told stbx about his doing great in school and him telling his teacher all the things we do, and he has the balls to say to me, he dont tell her what daddy and he does, what, go to dinner thats all he does with him. see he goes out with his mother the 2 days he has my son and she is very selfcentered that they have to go to the places she wants to go, my son is 6 and he is starting to understand why grammie is alone, he said the other day grammie is a pain she tells us where we are going and I dont want to go out with her anymore. my stbx never does anything with my son that my son wants to do and now he will start to see where he is f in up in his life to. just saying the children should be the focus and believe me I get more pleasure out of seeing my son happy than anything in the world. 

men are so selfcentered they dont even know how to enjoy their children. last yr when he left my son and I were never home, and when my son would ask him to take him swimming at his dads house he always had an excuse, my son would get off the phone crying all the time. he dont understand how this has impacted him, my son tells me all the time how boring daddy is. see I think in the long run they always get what they deserve. they may have gf's and feel complete at the moment, but they have lost in the long run. As long as I have my sanity and my son I am the winner. god bless our children, my son is the best part of my stbx and I am satisfied with just having him.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I feel exactly like Marigold. Husband seems to be doing ok as if nothing ever happened. We are divorced now, he pushed for it, he now hangs out at the OW house(who also left her H) but they can't live together because she will lose her fat alimony(she is materilistic to heaven and back).

Bellringer I find your posts very inspiring. I also have a child 2year old and I struggle on daily basis with different issues. But overall he is doing fine for his age and I am grateful that at least ex H is still living in the US and I am in Canada. Marigold see my thread on Life after divorce. Consider yourself lucky that you don't have children involved in this mess.


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## Anna11 (May 26, 2010)

Bellringer, I had fun reading your post. I saw myself in you. That's what had happen to my ex. He left me and my 2 kids for another woman hoping that this woman is going to leave her h and be with him. 6 months after he left us, OW doesnt talk about moving in together. It's unfortunate that the 3 of us all work together in the same company. the OW is so jealous of me as I am in the higher rank and she's a temp. I left my job and moved with other company after few months. during the recession both h and ow lost their jobs that's when the real drama started. OW cheated on him, never lived with him and all the sweet talk is done. Karma isn't it. Now I am happy with my life had a good man in my life, d is near done and my kids are happy and complete. If i didn't have my kids, i am not here today. in laws are the culprit, same thing they're priority in his life i thought at first it is sad, It is normal for someone who abandon his family to tell all the possible lies he could say to justify his actions. Funny, when h wanted to reconcile with me, I made him think that i'm "in it" all his family thought finally I have accepted him. Went to vegas and all sort of fun..then I dropped him un aware. I know it is not good but I just wanted him to feel what I've been through.
Marigold you will soon get over this period of your life. i promise you it will get better...I survived, you too can! God bless you and comfort you.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

OMG Anna you actually went for the reconcilliation just so you can drop him as a hot potato? You really made me laugh.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

thank you for your support.....

it is so painful to face the reality that someone you were 100% committed to did not feel the same way......it hurts so deep......I feel such a massive part of who I am has been taken away and I don't know where to start to come to terms with that. Sometimes I have hopes that he will come back, beg forgiveness and the nightmare will end......other times it hits me that it is not likely to happen ever and I just feel desperate......I know also that the hurt he has caused is so much that what ever we had would never be the same again......

I wanted a family so bad, with him. Now I have no husband and no family of my own.....the 2 things that were most important to me. I have to face my friends and family who are all happily married with children.....I don't feel like I belong. I just want to get away from it all  My life has just crumbled away 

so hard, I wish this nightmare could end...


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

I thought hanging out with my married sisters and their husbands would be weird but none of them make me feel bad, they dont hang all over each other so i feel fine. my stbx controlled everything for 20yrs of my life and i now found the strength to stand up to him and take control of my life. like I found an apartment to move to this month after the closing of our house, and stbx found one also(for me) and I told him I wasnt interested in the one he found, he emailed me all dayy trying to convince me to take the one he found, I stood my ground and told him no. see he comes and goes here still and I think he figures if he is the one who finds me a place and helps pay for it, then he will still have access to it. I sent him an email of the boundries I set for him when I move. I wrote, these are the boundries that you will follow when andrew and I move


1. there will be no pop in's
2. you will get 2 phone calls from andrew, if we are out he will call you when we get home.
3. you will drop him off and ring the bell, I wie down to get him and when ick him up I will bring him to you.
4.if we dont answer the phone for some reason it means we are busy and i will have andrew call you as soon as he is available
5. I will no longer take nonsense calls, if it doesnt pertain to andrew and I dont think it is important I wont be taking your calls.


I need to set these boundries because andrew and I will not be controlled anymore(yes he still runs to shut lights off if he knows you are coming over) we will no longer live that way. These are the things you forfieted when you left us. this is how divorce works, I know this is hard for you to swallow but this is life now, and these are my rules and I am in control. the more you follow these boundries the happier andrew and I will live. 



well his email back was totally stupid, he wrote all about money, he has no idea, it didnt even make sense, nothing, hes such an idiot, all he said was you cant tell me what to do, see hes so arrogant he doesnt even listen to the judges or the lawyers, he thinks the laws dont pertain to them cause they have money. I responded with unless you would like to pick andrew up at mc donalds or the police station for visitation you will follow them. I know how he can be and can just see us at the pool at the apartment and him calling 50 times, when we dont answer he would be at the apartment pool flipping out infront of everyone. thats how controlling he is. I dont have a prob with him taking my son more but he was the one who said fridays works for himand he didnt want him any more than that, he thinks calling him 50 times a day makes him a good dad, I said dont pat yourself on the back calling 50 times doesnt make you a good father. and he knows I want him to have the best relationship with his son. I just dont want him hanging out with me. 

I think he is nervous now that we are moving that he is losing the control. he dissapointed my son all summer and thinks he is a great dad. like I said he can pick him up anytime he wants he just cant come in, and hang out like he does here. he makes excuses why he dont want my son living where we are moving, like asks if the school is good, I gave him the name of it and told him if he has a prob with it then he should look into paying for a private school. never did hear back from him on that one. It gets so much easier and I am guessing it will be even better once he cant control things still. everyday the things he does only makes me stronger. lovin it


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

bellringer said:


> The 180 Isnt just to get them back its also so you can move on. I didnt beg or cry from the beginning, I did it so I could move on and yes it helps. I have been going through it longer than you now so of course its easier for me now. I also have a small child and I think having him was my strength through it all. I couldnt neglect him by chasing stbx so I focused on my son and myself.


:iagree: The 180 isn't to get my husband back for me either. It's to help me deal with him and the situation we have. To be able to put things in perspective. 

He's an alcoholic and he doesn't want to fix or change himself. Until that changes nothing CAN get better. He can call up and tell me he loves me (he actually says "I love you" all the time). He can ask to spend time with me (he does that too) but without his getting sober it's all for nothing. We are literally like a car stuck in the mud with the wheels turning and going nowhere. 

But even so I was still holding on for a long time. Hoping, begging, pleading and blindly trying to keep it like it was before this nightmare started..and it was to no avail. The 180 is my guide for dealing with him now..for dealing with what IS, not what I want it to be. 

I don't call my husband and put distance between us not to try and win him back but to keep my sanity, to reduce my stress and to make a better life for me and my kids because a happier, calmer mother is a better mother. 

And it helps with my husband too because when I do see him I'm constantly keeping myself in line. No begging, no pleading, no following him around, no trying to convince. Be pleasant, cordial, only talk about the kids, etc, etc. I constantly tell myself these things over and over again and it DOES help me deal with him. When I'm less emotional and and come off as calm he responds in a positive way. We don't fight. It's win-win. 

Maybe he will take notice and "want me back" and take the steps to change but I'm not holding my breath. Right now the 180 is all about me, not him.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You might want to e-mail him that you would consider getting back together with MC. He may be hurting the same as you and also be unwilling to make the first move towards reconciliation.

Theres always hope. People do change. People do get messed up and do stupid things when hurt.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Anna, That is to funny that you went to vegas with him then dumped him. I would have loved to do that. I love vegas. how did he react after you did that?


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## msharley2u (Mar 4, 2011)

i am going through separation and have wrote notes on my feelings as I have gone through life. You should attend a divorce care class at a local church this will put it into my perspective for yourself. You need to work on you, and not try to fix the other person because its not possible. I was married 25 years dated same man for 8 years, he told me he didnt love me anymore and i moved out, needless to say not an easy journey at all, many months of clouding in my mind, some days are easier so are not, but I do go to counseling also. Focus on yourself and what you want out of life and dont worry about the other person, they wont change.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

thank you so much for the wonderful, encouraging replies.....

I agree, the '180' is just a way really to avoid causing yourself additional pain and emotional disruption and allow space to think about yourself, rather than him all the time.....I know it in theory, but it's very hard to deal with the idea of him living his life and leaving me behind.....

I know in my head that I am meant to 'work on myself'.....it's just very difficult because I feel that a lot of my identity and who I am today has been shaped by 'us'......he is not from my country - I spent a long time living in his country (which is where we met) in my formative years before we married....I feel I have lost that part of me losing him.....and all his family who I got on so well with and loved......

I'm not sure how to find what I want for myself anymore....

ANX you made me think - is he waiting for me to make a move.?....but I don't know....now I have so much time to think about all the pain and heart ache of the marriage - so many secrets and lies he told me.....the trust has gone for me.....I love him very deeply but I can't trust him......I wonder if he ever really felt for me like I do for him.......maybe it was just different for him.......I don't know if such major trust issues can ever be overcome, or even if he is interested in that......I don't really think he fully understands how much he hurt me.....he seems to have been more interested in 'justifying' himself and giving excuses or critisising me....

like NRTQ says, maybe it is good that there are no children....on the other hand, I wanted his child so bad....now maybe I will never get that chance in my life.....

just want something good to come to me eventually....hope and pray that it will


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

arrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He phoned to ask a practical question about the car insurance. I didn't know the answer and he got all huffy with me.....he constantly sounds annoyed when ever we need to talk.......like he is annoyed at me.....

what is this crap??????? I have kept to myself, I haven't begged him / pleaded / chased. He hasn't even had the decency to tell me where he lives (as if I'm going to stalk him or something)....

He just doesn't give a s**t and it hurts like hell. He just wants to sort the car.....it's in his name now.....a posh brand new car we bought together last year......so he can swan around living it up as a single guy......whilst I have no transport......and to cap it all, as a wrote here a couple of weeks ago, I got attacked one night for my handbag and beaten over the head.....it was a nightmare, I'm on foot or public transport late at night cos he has the car......which he doesn't even need for work, only leisure........ 

why is he being such a selfish d**k?????? I'm so angry and hurt. I've had a good cry, I hate this, I hate caring when he just doesn't give a toss  why? why? why?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Marigold said:


> arrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He phoned to ask a practical question about the car insurance. I didn't know the answer and he got all huffy with me.....he constantly sounds annoyed when ever we need to talk.......like he is annoyed at me.....


A little while back I emailed W asking about my cars insurance, after 3 days of nothing I went and got new insurance, next day she emails back with the details, 3 months till the old policy lapsed. Annoyed, a little, but I just send a reply saying 'thanks'

your H assumes that you will have the details all at hand, were you the one who took care of those matters ?
Now he is going to have to do things for himself, he isin't too happy about it.



> why is he being such a selfish d**k?????? I'm so angry and hurt. I've had a good cry, I hate this, I hate caring when he just doesn't give a toss  why? why? why?


many of us are in the same boat I am afraid, and there is not a lot you can do about your feelings, would be great to have an on/off switch !!!


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

thanks crank....yes I was the one who always sorted that type of thing out.....maybe he is annoyed cos he has to do it now instead....

Maybe some people are just made selfish....i wish I was the one living it up, not giving a toss, feeling free and being with someone new and exciting.......I'm trying trying trying so hard to break free of this nightmare, but I just don't think I was made that way, I can't just switch off and stop caring.....I do care and it hurts really deep...... why I am I such a weak idiot???????????


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I don't think loving and being loyal to that love as being weak...walking away when things aren't right...not trying to make things work is being weak...

the weak escape, but the strong carry the burden of the greatest part of the pain...my wife had to leave so I would stop drinking..she had no choice...but she didn't expect I would fight so hard to get her back...she thought I would be weak and choose my buddy beer...I still had some strength left....and chose love...

Moving on from trying to make a relationship work has to be one of the toughest things to do, and only can make a strong person stronger...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Marigold said:


> thanks crank....yes I was the one who always sorted that type of thing out.....maybe he is annoyed cos he has to do it now instead....


Yes, my W use to handle or those things, and now I have to learn it all again and do it all myself, just have to sort things out and all should be fine.



> Maybe some people are just made selfish....i wish I was the one living it up, not giving a toss, feeling free and being with someone new and exciting.......I'm trying trying trying so hard to break free of this nightmare, but I just don't think I was made that way, I can't just switch off and stop caring.....I do care and it hurts really deep......


Yes, I would also love to have $700+ a week coming in, not have to scrimp on food etc, buts not a reality yet 



> why I am I such a weak idiot???????????


because you are not a selfish person who wants no responsibilities.
Always said life is a big wheel, what goes around comes around (maybe thats why I am where I am now?)


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Heh! I had to get my husband his OWN insurance because he was on MY policy and when I told the insurance company we were separated they said that he would need to get his own insurance policy because he wouldn't be covered properly on mine. Next month he wouldn't be insured at all when the policy renewed annually. 

Plus I wanted him off. He took the car and tells me it's his car, so he should pay for it. 

He kept telling me he'd call and get his own policy. Nothing. Finally I had to be the one to set everything up, get the money from him to set up the payment, show it was registered, etc, etc. 

Aren't I nice? :rofl:

What's this crap about your husband driving around in a new car while you take the bus? You need to get that straightened out! The car needs to be sold and the proceeds divided. Why does HE get to drive a nice new car and you walk? :scratchhead:

Man, if that was me..He wouldn't be driving that car long because I'd render it undriveable. Yes, I am THAT evil. Share the wealth or wallow together in my misery.:FIREdevil:


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Marigold said:


> I'm just over 4 months separated from H. He left, his choice....I begged him to stay and try to make it work from inside the marriage / counseling etc. He refused, said he had made up his mind, wanted space etc. This on a background of an affair 18 months previous.....and then on my part suspicions (strong) that was having another (or maybe the same) affair......


I am not too sure what to tell you. It seems as if he just wants to five up, maybe out of frustration? I don't like the fact that he he had an affair while you folks were together, but I admire your willingness to work through it. I would just give him all the space in the world.



Marigold said:


> I'm finding it very tough.....I took some time off work when he left - I was in melt down - and I'm now off again for the past 6 weeks - my doctors has started me on antidepressants and I'm having counseling now.


I can totally understand that melt down mode. I went through the same thing when my wife told me me were, just going to be friends w/ benefits, then told me it was over. I actually am now about a month out, and feeling a little better. Ijust started a product called Sam-E which I am hoping will get me back on track. This is rough isn't it, I can totally sympathize with you. I have been considering getting on anti-dep, I may just kill two birds with one stone, and get on Wellburtrin, so I can stop smoking at the same time.



Marigold said:


> I'm still struggling with the pain and hurt. Day to day its exhausting. We were together since I was 17, now I'm 30 - married for 6 years. No kids. I am just devastated....he just doesn't seem to care.....we have had very little contact since 4 months when he left. I haven't seen him at all, only a few phone calls about practical things like bank account, car etc.
> No 'meaningful' discussions about 'us' (which for him doesn't seem to exist as a concept anymore), no texts, no emails etc. i haven't asked him to reconsider / tried to change his mind since he left.


I know all too well about the pain and hurt. I love my wife with all my heart. I too struggle daily with the loss of my lovely wife. My wife cares, but I did some serious eff ups to seriously damage the relationship. 



Marigold said:


> How is it that he can just 'get on' with his new life, go out, live as single etc, while in contrast, I'm off work, depressed, hurt, confused and really suffering. I feel so empty inside, it's like I don't know who I am anymore without him. To make things more pointed, most of my good friends and sister are all now all happily married and pregnant or with first babies already. That's what I wanted with my H.....I really wanted to start our family.......now it might be too late for me......I don't know how to get over this pain......


He is most likely trying to get over it, to be honest with you. I know your boat, most of my friends are married with kids and such. All really all I wanted was to start a family as well, and I would not have committed my eff ups, had I been in a stable relationship. I only started messing up break up of us, which was initiated by my ex-wife. I wanted to start a family as well, I was wholly dedicated to my ex-wife, though she always had her sneaking suspicions that I cheated on her, from me staying out late in the evening. It is not too late for you, my ex-wife and I were talking about kids when we would be 37.



Marigold said:


> I have tried doing things for myself, work on myself, try to stop focusing on him and what he might or might not be doing.....but it seems so empty and purposeless.........I loved him very deeply and truly cared about 'us' and our marriage.


I totally understand where you are coming from. I feel the exact same way. Working for myself, I used to do this so we could have a good life, I am reminded daily when I am working, of what we once had. I still love my ex-wife, with all my heart, all I wanted to do was sit down and talk to her. She would really have none of it.



Marigold said:


> why aren't I feeling any better??????? and how is it possible that he is just able to move on so easily???????????


Because you can't just move on, you spent so much time with this one person, devoted to them, caring for them. He has not just moved on, or maybe he was moving on when he was still together with you.



Marigold said:


> btw what I have done (although not on purpose -just cos it is too painful to speak to him) is the 180 thing that people talk about on here - I must say, I don't believe it 'works' because the other person has to want you back 'secretly' deep down......in my case, there is no evidence that not seeing or contacting me has made my H reconsider what he has done.


I think it is a sham to start with, it goes against what you should really be doing. That is, showing him how much you care. What you are doing with the 180 is detrimental to a real relationship, it is called manipulation. Check this article for a little highlight of what I am talking about.

Playing Manipulative Mind Games Destroy Relationships | SheLuvsGod on Xanga

Try this route first, if it does not work, then withdraw.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Marigold said:


> thank you bellringer.....your reply brought some tears to my eyes......I so hope that you are right.....I agree with what you say, limiting contact is the only way to free yourself to move forward....I am doing that, it is the only thing I have some control over.....but the pain is sometimes unbearable......
> 
> I feel exactly the same as what you said.....I love my husband deeply, but the hurt that he has caused is too great, I can't trust him....all the things that he has done/ is doing.....I would never do those things to him, never. It is so difficult to comprehend and so painful.
> 
> I am praying that I will begin to find my own worth again.


Out of curiosity, would you be happy with him, and allow him to rebuild trust? I agree, I don't like the fact that he left you for another woman, but is there a chance you could work it out with him? i ask because of my story.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

thank you all for your encouraging replies.....NRG I'm sorry you are going through this stuff too.....but at the same time, it's good to know you're not alone 

Crank and DjF - some very insightful comments - thank you

Regards would I be happy with him?......that is the toughest one.....I miss him so bad sometimes the tears won't stop....but gradually gradually little by little I am seeing all the crap stuff that he did - cruel, heartless, manipulative, selfish things.....not the person I thought that he was.....this realisation is what hurts the most......I dedicated myself 110% to a man who was capable of things I never imagined anyone would do to a friend, let alone his own wife......sincerely, I don't know if I could ever trust him again.....it would be extremely tough.....very hard. If he was truly sorry, then perhaps, perhaps, but then, there is no sign of that.....no sign that he has any idea of the hurt.....he is still in 'it's all your fault' / angry mode.....

Now for my positives of today.....it was sunny outside today, I had a walk in the fresh air, I cooked chicken paprika for dinner and it turned out well, I sorted out a cheque book for my bank account  I am trying to remind myself of the small positives as advised on this forum.....

p.s. to NRG started on 1 antidepressant - not much progress on that, so just switched to another, but can't tolerate it very well - so seeing doctor again friday for some more advice. I'm having counseling too.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

What a great thread here, it is unfortunate that we get married to someone who we think will be there for us no matter what. However, for some reason along the line one starts showing their true colors and end up hurting the other half. It has happened to me and I can't see myself ever loving my wife again. The hurt and the pain she has caused is so damaged that a team of doctors can't fix.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Marigold said:


> Regards would I be happy with him?......that is the toughest one.....I miss him so bad sometimes the tears won't stop....but gradually gradually little by little I am seeing all the crap stuff that he did - cruel, heartless, manipulative, selfish things.....not the person I thought that he was.....this realisation is what hurts the most......I dedicated myself 110% to a man who was capable of things I never imagined anyone would do to a friend, let alone his own wife......sincerely, I don't know if I could ever trust him again.....it would be extremely tough.....very hard. If he was truly sorry, then perhaps, perhaps, but then, there is no sign of that.....no sign that he has any idea of the hurt.....he is still in 'it's all your fault' / angry mode.....


EXACTLY how I feel, and I am now almost 5 months in, my H is now an evil, narcissistic, uncaring tyrant, who treats me like crap and I still try to see the 'good' in him. I have taken the blame, I have begged, cried, acted like an idiot really now looking back. I love the idea of us being back together (Mainly for the kids and the hugs) but in reality things could NEVER be the way they were, what scares me is that if we did get back together I'd paper over the cracks but eventually they would show.. There'd be such a trust issue, every time he took his phone with him.. who would he be texting? If he goes out... who's he with? If he's late home.. why? Am I really willing to put myself through all of this? Or just realise yes we had good times, and I loved the man he was, he's given me the 3 most wonderful gifts. 

He walked out, he screwed around, he's still playing the blame game, but do you know what, we ARE better than that! We CAN be happy, we just need to find it within ourselves, not think only one person can make us happy..*hugs tightly*


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> EXACTLY how I feel, and I am now almost 5 months in, my H is now an evil, narcissistic, uncaring tyrant, who treats me like crap and I still try to see the 'good' in him. I have taken the blame, I have begged, cried, acted like an idiot really now looking back. I love the idea of us being back together (Mainly for the kids and the hugs) but in reality things could NEVER be the way they were, what scares me is that if we did get back together I'd paper over the cracks but eventually they would show..


that makes at least 3 of us who think the same way


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Today I had a difficult day. 

I just felt very sad about what happened to our marriage. I feel sad that he put our marriage aside and walked away and sad for all the things that I've lost. It's so hard to know how the future will pan out - how I will rebuild myself, my identity, how I will know what I want or how I will come to the right decisions. It's hard to know that the person you care so much about doesn't want you to be part of their life anymore.

Weekends are hard, sometimes I'm not sure how to fill the time. At the moment I am living temporarily with my relatives until I can face 'our' house. So I have some company, but I'm scared when I will be alone, I know I shall feel very lonely. I do have some lovely friends but sometimes it seems hard to be with them....they are in relationships, babies etc....it is sometimes hard to deal with that.

He rang yesterday to 'see how I am' he said because he had a bad dream about me...I said I was ok-ish. He said he is busy at work and might move flat. That was it. He didn't seem to want to talk and said he had to go. I think it hurts more cos I can tell he is 'trying to be nice' and keep it 'amicable', but I'm hurting so bad inside. Also, I just plain miss him....it's coming on for 5 months since I last saw him  I still ask myself how the man I married became so cold and detached. It hurts.

I'm on a new type of antidepressant now since friday and I'm keeping up with weekly counseling. Ah well, another day. I hope tomorrow is less sad....


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

AmImad said:


> my H is now an evil, narcissistic, uncaring tyrant, who treats me like crap and I still try to see the 'good' in him.


What good is that? Seriously, what possible benefit do you derive from that?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Marigold said:


> Today I had a difficult day.


know that feeling well.
I have been back in the house for a few weeks now, fist week or so was really really hard, it seems to be getting a bit easier, but filling in time is the hard part.
I don't sleep in 'our' room though, can't bring myself to do that, I hope W sheds the tears I do.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thanks crank....I have an idea of moving 'our' double bed into guest room and making that into my 'new' bedroom instead. That would avoid having to sleep in the bedroom that we shared. Too painful. I've never lived alone. People have suggested renting out to a lodger but I can't bear the idea.....I don't want a random stranger living in 'our' house. Nothing could be worse.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Marigold said:


> Thanks crank....I have an idea of moving 'our' double bed into guest room and making that into my 'new' bedroom instead. That would avoid having to sleep in the bedroom that we shared. Too painful. I've never lived alone. People have suggested renting out to a lodger but I can't bear the idea.....I don't want a random stranger living in 'our' house. Nothing could be worse.


The main room has a queen size bed in there, one of the many many things my sister has given me, but I sleep in the 2nd room in a single bed, yep, I know what you mean about 'random stranger'!


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## Anna11 (May 26, 2010)

It will get better, believe me i have been to all of that and looking back now I laugh on how stupid I am. 2 suicide attempts, begging, went down on my knee in front of him all the possible way i could think to make him come back to me and my kids. you cannot make a person change. I understand that it hurts, and no amount of words can ease the pain but time heals. It's been 3 1/2 yrs since he left us and attempted to comeback but I have changed. If he had done it once (to leave me and my kids), who can stop him to do it again. I thank God for my faith. 
2 yrs from now you will thank God that it happened.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Anna11 said:


> . It's been 3 1/2 yrs since he left us and attempted to comeback but I have changed.
> 
> 2 yrs from now you will thank God that it happened.


What did he do when he came back, Anna? I want to know! Did you tell him to go to hell? LOL.

I agree w/ that that a lot of left behind spouses end up doing so many desperate/silly things. That is why it's so important to just let go as soon as possible, eventhough it's so darn hard. It saves your dignity and gets your self-respect back instead of begging, pleading, etc.


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## Anna11 (May 26, 2010)

when x lost his job the OW cheated on him, thats the only time he admitted he had an affair for 2 yrs and I am so stupid all those yrs believing him that there is no other woman. when he admitted everything because he wanted to come back, I cooperated and seem loving as usual but as soon as he thought that everything is okay with us already I dropped him like a rag. I told him I am a changed woman. stronger, better and confident. I found a man loving and willing to take me as I am and I am still with him up to this time going stronger and better, my kids love him and he adores my kids. waiting for my divorce so we could start life together.
my X now? he has no direction. No wonder it is so hard for me to let my x go, because he seems to be like one of my kid. I do everything, as in everything in the family from disciplining the kids, running the whole house, wife and major income earner. At the end, i realize I didn't really miss anything because for 16 yrs I am the one leading everything. when there is something to fix (manly job) you'll find me doing it, spring time when all husbands are busy outdoor cleaning, it is me doing it, when there's papers to deal,school issues, or carpentry work it is me of course. like my kids, when they don't like the veggies part of the meal, they pass it to me and so is my X. In short he never really grew up. He's the baby in the family and I initiated migrating here in Canada to move him away from his family so he will grow up but I found out he will never change. he can't even look after himself.
Not knowing the difference between other men as i have never dated anybody else except him. I thought that was a normal set up. 23 yrs of knowing him, never cook a meal for us. never seen him clean the fridge or maybe he will need a manual how to operate the oven. He's like one of my kid. So i am done for being his mother.
I am happy now and thankful to God that it happened. no wonder God didn't answer my prayers before to bring him back to me. Because God had better plan for me. I am now in a relationship where I felt for the first time in my life that I am a woman. It feels good to sleep at night knowing that everything is going to be okay because there is someone taking the responsibility other than me.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Anna, thank you so much for sharing your story with us, you've given me some real hope, I too made excuses for my H, thinking it was normal, having been with him since I was 15, I thought it was normal... I am learning albeit slowly that this isn't the case!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Anna11 said:


> when x lost his job the OW cheated on him, thats the only time he admitted he had an affair for 2 yrs
> 
> when he admitted everything because he wanted to come back, I cooperated and seem loving as usual but as soon as he thought that everything is okay with us already I dropped him like a rag. I told him I am a changed woman. stronger, better and confident.


Great story! Thanks for sharing!


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Thanks for sharing Anna. So glad to hear things have worked out so well for you.


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