# Am I being selfish that I don’t want my mother-in-law to move in?



## janed12 (Aug 4, 2021)

My husbands mother lived and moved out of my husbands house before we got together but still has a room here with all of her stuff in it. Recently she asked him if she could move back in and he told her she could. She lived with him previously because she keeps jumping from place to place and he feels bad for her because of the way his dad treated her while he was growing up.
My husband and I have been married less than 4 months and I moved to a different state to be with him and I really really do not want her to move in.
I want to help her out and I told him that we could offer to help her to get her own place but although he said that’s fine I feel like he might be resenting me. I barely know the woman and I’m the kind of person who likes my own space and if she moves in I won’t feel comfortable. I’m just incredibly bothered. Am I being selfish?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's often unwise to live with other family members especially so soon into a marriage.
Trouble is that it sounds as if they lived together a lot up till now and she seems to see it as home. Where has she been living recently? How old is she? Does she work?

He should definitely have talked to you about it before he said yes, it's a big decision.


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## janed12 (Aug 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's often unwise to live with other family members especially so soon into a marriage.
> Trouble is that it sounds as if they lived together a lot up till now and she seems to see it as home. Where has she been living recently? How old is she? Does she work?
> 
> He should definitely have talked to you about it before he said yes, it's a big decision.


That’s exactly what I told him. He should have discussed it with me first. She’s been living/taking care of her mother, moved out of there, then who knows. I honestly do not know how old she is, I’ve met her once, but if I were to take a guess I’d say in her 60’s. She does not work.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

This's a tough one. Culture clashes are pretty much it when it comes to this type of situations. For some people is perfectly fine, or it's just the way it seems normal to them. For others is life in hell and there's no way, no how.

Normally, young recently married couples should spend their few firsts years alone to build the relationship without any outside interference. The problem is that sometimes this type of situation arise and it could be a God send or a bone of contention for the couple. 

In your situation it seems that the house already belonged to him before you even met him (am I correct?) and his mother have lived there previously for sometime and she and your husband see this as Normal, regardless of him being married now. 

At least in her case she asked first. 
All I can tell is that probably, the best option is to agreed to her staying for a period of time and take it from there to see how things develop organically. 

One more point, and this is what I as an old man have observed throughout my life: in most cases is women who bring their mother to the household and most women don't want to hear it or discuss it- mother is here to stay- and the guy must put up with it in average.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

No, not selfish or unreasonable to want and expect your own space with your husband, without MIL around.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

After my mom died I had concerns about dad living alone so I broached the subject of him coming to live with us. DH was adamant that he did not want to live with my dad but he knew safety was a concern. So he suggested we sell our house & sell dad's house then buy a 2 family or at least a bigger house with an in-law suite (apartment) so we'd all have our own space. That might work for you & your husband although this housing market is a terribly expensive time to buy. However it will be worth the costs to save your marriage.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

with so little information i would think no you should have your own place , 
but we don't know why the mil wants or has to live with you and her son 
we don't know if she can not have her own place and what costs there is in having her own place 
not enough to give a good response
there are so many things that happen and family should come first 
if he respects his mother and his sisters the chances are he will respect you , 
if he puts his mother first over you it could make life hard for all 
if you can live with others or if you can not these are questions that others around you can help you with better than us


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

D0nnivain said:


> After my mom died I had concerns about dad living alone so I broached the subject of him coming to live with us. DH was adamant that he did not want to live with my dad but he knew safety was a concern. So he suggested we sell our house & sell dad's house then buy a 2 family or at least a bigger house with an in-law suite (apartment) so we'd all have our own space. That might work for you & your husband although this housing market is a terribly expensive time to buy. However it will be worth the costs to save your marriage.


My mother lived in an in-law apartment in my house for 13 years before she died. In the beginning it was very difficult for me. She came over constantly and if I had guests she settled in as if my friends were there to visit her. The lack of privacy was really hard fir me, as much as I loved her. In time we learned how to live together but it took time.

For this to work expectations need to be upfront. Will she eat with you guys? Will you each be required to knock before entering the house? Can you go into each other’s house when the other isn’t home? Where can everyone park? Whose the main female in the house? As in whose taste will the house be decorated in? Etc, etc.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. But if he is from a culture that caring for your parents is expected or he’s been in charge of taking care of her for most of his life you’re in for in uphill battle.

I wish you luck!!!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You have the right to be comfortable in your own home. You offered to help her find her own place. No, you aren't being selfish.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Well not selfish - but at the same time not a family considerate. if the situation is flipped and you and your husband needed a place to move temporarily or even permanently I'm sure your mother in law would welcome you to her house if she had one. 

we all like to be comfortable in our houses and not having anyone else share the space (except me I dont mind my parents or wife parents to move in) however we still have a commitment to our parents to support them and be there for them when they need us. and the least you could do is help her move in with you. yes I understand you guys tried to find her a space but that was rude. if she needed help finding a space she would have asked. 

I told my wife before and after getting parents my parents and her parents come first. and if either one find themselves in need to move with us they don't even have to ask. my house is their house. Family comes first


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

janed12 said:


> My husbands mother lived and moved out of my husbands house before we got together but still has a room here with all of her stuff in it. Recently she asked him if she could move back in and he told her she could. She lived with him previously because she keeps jumping from place to place and he feels bad for her because of the way his dad treated her while he was growing up.
> My husband and I have been married less than 4 months and I moved to a different state to be with him and I really really do not want her to move in.
> I want to help her out and I told him that we could offer to help her to get her own place but although he said that’s fine I feel like he might be resenting me. I barely know the woman and I’m the kind of person who likes my own space and if she moves in I won’t feel comfortable. I’m just incredibly bothered. Am I being selfish?


No not at all. Where does his priorities lie? You are newly married and it is right and fitting that you would want your own place and privacy. His mother sounds a handful and he sounds like a mummy's boy.


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## [email protected] (Jul 28, 2020)

I like this thread , want to see more advises


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Honestly, there are even COUPLES who don’t live together (see recent discussions re "living apart together" -- LAT). 

I'd personally lose my mind if I had to live with another adult in MY house-- not my partner.


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

I refuse to live with another adult in my house besides my fiancé. In 2019, his cousin lived with us for 6 weeks and it was horrible. Never again. We had no privacy and the kids didn’t want to play in the living room like they normally did. Needless to say, we both agreed no other adult can live with us without throughly talking about it first.


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## janed12 (Aug 4, 2021)

Thank you all for your responses. Here’s a little more information, from what I know that he has told me. She spends a lot of time at the casino, asks him for money frequently, got life insurance on all of her children. I really don’t know a lot about her but that is the not so good that I do know about. But I also know she is a nice woman who means well, for the most part.
The jist of my backstory is I grew up in a broken home. My mother took off when I was 8 and my dad passed away when I was 16. So I was never really family oriented and became very independent at a young age.
I brought it up to him after and at first he said he understood. Then later on tells me I don’t care about his family. It’s already taking a toll on our relationship and I have no idea what to do. I can’t and will not live with her but I feel like it’ll cause a strain on our relationship either way.


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## janed12 (Aug 4, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Honestly, there are even COUPLES who don’t live together (see recent discussions re "living apart together" -- LAT).
> 
> I'd personally lose my mind if I had to live with another adult in MY house-- not my partner.


It’s funny I offered to move out so she can move in and then I got guilt tripped. I would honestly rather live in a different house than live with her.


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## janed12 (Aug 4, 2021)

aine said:


> No not at all. Where does his priorities lie? You are newly married and it is right and fitting that you would want your own place and privacy. His mother sounds a handful and he sounds like a mummy's boy.


Exactly! He feels bad for her and feels like he owes her something.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@janed12 Selfish? Perhaps so. But be selfish and thinking about yourself and your needs is not a bad thing.

Was her coming to live with you a surprise? When did your husband tell you?

Was this always a possibility for your husband but one he 'forgot' to mention to you?


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## janed12 (Aug 4, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @janed12 Selfish? Perhaps so. But be selfish and thinking about yourself and your needs is not a bad thing.
> 
> Was her coming to live with you a surprise? When did your husband tell you?
> 
> ...


She hasn’t come to live with us yet but yes, it was a surprise.
He mentioned it to me a few months ago. We got into an argument about it then too. He said she wasn’t going to. Then while my husband and I were on a work trip she stayed here for a few days and we come home to find she had decorated the guest bathroom and added some of her dishes and such to the kitchen. I called my husband and asked “Is there something you want to tell me?” He goes what. I asked if his mom moved in and he says no but I told you she was going to. I was like what?! 
It was probably always a possibility that I never knew would ever happen that maybe he ‘forgot’ to mention.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

janed12 said:


> My husbands mother lived and moved out of my husbands house before we got together but still has a room here with all of her stuff in it. Recently she asked him if she could move back in and he told her she could. She lived with him previously because she keeps jumping from place to place and he feels bad for her because of the way his dad treated her while he was growing up.
> My husband and I have been married less than 4 months and I moved to a different state to be with him and I really really do not want her to move in.
> I want to help her out and I told him that we could offer to help her to get her own place but although he said that’s fine I feel like he might be resenting me. I barely know the woman and I’m the kind of person who likes my own space and if she moves in I won’t feel comfortable. I’m just incredibly bothered. Am I being selfish?


A little, yes. But being selfish isn’t always some bad or unjustifiable thing.

Either way, as someone who has spent something like a third of his nearly 22-year marriage with one or more in-laws under the same roof, I’ll say this — to the degree that you can, resist this.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Upon hearing more, your marriage diesnsound that great, like it's a partnership. A good partner would never dream of doing this. There would be many discussions. Do you have children together? 

Honestly, if I were you, I'd consider terminating this marriage.

It's not selfish to not want to live with parents.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are you okay with your husband taking family funds to enable his mothers gambling? I suggest you keep your finances separate and do not sign any loans with your husband. He is too entrenched with his mama.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

janed12 said:


> She hasn’t come to live with us yet but yes, it was a surprise.
> He mentioned it to me a few months ago. We got into an argument about it then too. He said she wasn’t going to. Then while my husband and I were on a work trip she stayed here for a few days and we come home to find she had decorated the guest bathroom and added some of her dishes and such to the kitchen. I called my husband and asked “Is there something you want to tell me?” He goes what. I asked if his mom moved in and he says no but I told you she was going to. I was like what?!
> It was probably always a possibility that I never knew would ever happen that maybe he ‘forgot’ to mention.


It also sounds like there are some cultural issues here. My MIL did not move in with me but dumped lots of her dishes and other stuff at the apartment we moved into assuming I wanted her hand me downs. Their culture would have seen it as helping the young couple but I saw it as an invasion of my space and a huge assumption to make about what I needed in our living space. Some cultures expect that they will take care of the parents as they get older. Are you and your H from the same cultural backgrounds and grew up in the same country?


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## janed12 (Aug 4, 2021)

aine said:


> It also sounds like there are some cultural issues here. My MIL did not move in with me but dumped lots of her dishes and other stuff at the apartment we moved into assuming I wanted her hand me downs. Their culture would have seen it as helping the young couple but I saw it as an invasion of my space and a huge assumption to make about what I needed in our living space. Some cultures expect that they will take care of the parents as they get older. Are you and your H from the same cultural backgrounds and grew up in the same country?


We’re both American but he is Hispanic and I am Caucasian. He doesn’t seem ok with her bringing stuff either but he hasn’t said anything to her which is why she still does it.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

janed12 said:


> My husbands mother lived and moved out of my husbands house before we got together but still has a room here with all of her stuff in it. Recently she asked him if she could move back in and he told her she could. She lived with him previously because she keeps jumping from place to place and he feels bad for her because of the way his dad treated her while he was growing up.
> My husband and I have been married less than 4 months and I moved to a different state to be with him and I really really do not want her to move in.
> I want to help her out and I told him that we could offer to help her to get her own place but although he said that’s fine I feel like he might be resenting me. I barely know the woman and I’m the kind of person who likes my own space and if she moves in I won’t feel comfortable. I’m just incredibly bothered. Am I being selfish?


Your husband is married to you. This means he makes you first. He cuts the apron strings. No, you are not being selfish. You offered to help her find her own place. You well be resentful of your husband if he simply lets his mom move in without agreement with you.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

He made a significant mistake by agreeing to let his mother move in without getting your opinion on the matter first.

I would draw a line in the sand on this one... this will likely damage your relationship with the MIL. Maybe try to help her find a place of her own, but don't let her live in your house.

Do you have kids?


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## janed12 (Aug 4, 2021)

re16 said:


> He made a significant mistake by agreeing to let his mother move in without getting your opinion on the matter first.
> 
> I would draw a line in the sand on this one... this will likely damage your relationship with the MIL. Maybe try to help her find a place of her own, but don't let her live in your house.
> 
> Do you have kids?


That’s what I was thinking as well, it’ll damage our relationship. Hopefully she can get past it because I won’t budge on this. We do not have kids right now.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

No way are you being selfish. Your husband had no business agreeing to his mother moving in without discussing it with you first.

There's so many options here, all of them good, but it seems he didn't consider any of them. Why can't she move closer to you? You could help her find a nice, cosy little place close by but not with you.

I couldn't think of a single damn thing worse than living with my mother in law. Omfg.


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## bavarian69 (Nov 28, 2020)

GusPolinski said:


> A little, yes. But being selfish isn’t always some bad or unjustifiable thing.
> 
> Either way, as someone who has spent something like a third of his nearly 22-year marriage with one or more in-laws under the same roof, I’ll say this — to the degree that you can, resist this.


Gus is right. If you let this happen agaist your wishes and better judgement it will build resentment. Believe me, I'm living through it. The resentment will build over time till divorce or just moving away becomes a way to bring peace of mind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread is locked.


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