# I feel sick



## xoxopinkxo (Sep 21, 2010)

Ive been given the "I love you but Im not in love with you" speech. We seperated for about a month, but still forced to live in the same house which made it unbearable. Suddenly one morning he decides he wants to give it another go for sure, then a day later changes his mind back to "we'll see". Im on such an emotional roller coaster, and at the same time, he's got a female friend he talks to on the phone, that he met on FB when we were seperated. At first he says "Im changing my number and I wont speak to her anymore." But when he called her up to tell her him and I were going to work on things, he suddenly decided he would NOT stop talking to her and he didnt care that it hurts me that he does it, and said he would continue talking to her because if things dont work between us, he will still ahve a good friendship with her. Im working so hard to make things right that I have wronged, and I feel like my emotions are being toyed with and I DONT want to loose my husband, but cant stand crying every single day knowing he's emotionally connected to another woman, even if its as friends...thats suppose to be MY job. I can here him when hes on the phone, upstairs in the bedroom with the door shut, talking to her, being emotional with her....he says he tried for 4 years to get me to open up to him emotionally and communication wise, and I didnt. I messed things up big time...but now that Im trying with ALL my might, he says hes not going to give 100 percent...he says hes going to be selfish and keep talking to her. While IM reading every marriage book under the sun, he's connecting with another woman. He insists they are friends, and I brought it up a few times how it hurts me, and he says he doesnt care, because they are just friends and I really dont have the right to feel that way. Im so sick to my stomach, its like some days, it would be easier to give up and move on just so I can be at peace knowing whats going to happen...but if I do give up, then Ill regret not trying my hardest.....ughhhh


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your husband is involved in an emotional affair. He will not reconnect with you until TOW is out of the picture. Wish I had a quarter for every time I read "met on FB". I don't know how to read the vacillating from trying to fix things to not trying but it would suggest he is emotionally torn. He is not ready to let go of her but at some point he must. Otherwise he will only have a jaded view of you as you are competing with a fantasy. Some of your story is eerily similar to my own as my wife as involved in a very serious EA 3 years ago. It took a lot of time and effort but the marriage survived, then prospered. We are happier now then we have been in years. It can turn around. Good luck.


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## xoxopinkxo (Sep 21, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Your husband is involved in an emotional affair. He will not reconnect with you until TOW is out of the picture. Wish I had a quarter for every time I read "met on FB". I don't know how to read the vacillating from trying to fix things to not trying but it would suggest he is emotionally torn. He is not ready to let go of her but at some point he must. Otherwise he will only have a jaded view of you as you are competing with a fantasy. Some of your story is eerily similar to my own as my wife as involved in a very serious EA 3 years ago. It took a lot of time and effort but the marriage survived, then prospered. We are happier now then we have been in years. It can turn around. Good luck.



Ive tried explaining that to him about her, but he insists by me telling him these things, Im pushing him further way and to leave her out of it....then he goes on to tell me that she gives good relationship advice on top of the great talks they have about everything else. He told me he will stop talking to her ONLY and ONLY if things start to get better for me and him...otherwise she stays and I go pretty much...in a nutshell


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## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

xoxopinkxo said:


> Ive tried explaining that to him about her, but he insists by me telling him these things, Im pushing him further way and to leave her out of it....then he goes on to tell me that she gives good relationship advice on top of the great talks they have about everything else. He told me he will stop talking to her ONLY and ONLY if things start to get better for me and him...otherwise she stays and I go pretty much...in a nutshell


There is no way things can better for you and him as long as* she *is in the picture. At this point, if he is willing to give your marriage another chance, and you another chance, he needs to stop contacting her. Tell him that you will put all your energy into the marriage and to him, but not until she's out of the picture. If he refuses to do that, then maybe it's time for you to move on.


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## xoxopinkxo (Sep 21, 2010)

ButterflyKisses said:


> There is no way things can better for you and him as long as* she *is in the picture. At this point, if he is willing to give your marriage another chance, and you another chance, he needs to stop contacting her. Tell him that you will put all your energy into the marriage and to him, but not until she's out of the picture. If he refuses to do that, then maybe it's time for you to move on.


I have told him he needs to stop talking to her. He wont. He says, for 4 years since he gave 100 percent and I didnt, now its time for me to give 100 percent but he wont, he says its time for him to be selfish...he says talking to her makes him forget about things and lets him escape. he refuses to stop talking to her. I want to tell him so bad that its either her or me...But i knwo what his answer will be.....i dont want to loose him...i want to do everything i can to keep him around, but i feel like its not being fair to us, and trying to make it work, with him talking to her b/c he insists she is only a friend, and a friend that gives advice to him.


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## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

xoxopinkxo said:


> I have told him he needs to stop talking to her. He wont. He says, for 4 years since he gave 100 percent and I didnt, now its time for me to give 100 percent but he wont, he says its time for him to be selfish...he says talking to her makes him forget about things and lets him escape. he refuses to stop talking to her. I want to tell him so bad that its either her or me...But i knwo what his answer will be.....i dont want to loose him...i want to do everything i can to keep him around, but i feel like its not being fair to us, and trying to make it work, with him talking to her b/c he insists she is only a friend, and a friend that gives advice to him.


The best advice she can give to him is to put all of his efforts into his marriage, while she steps out of the picture. I understand he's been hurt, but it sounds to me like he's more interested in getting revenge than he is about fixing the relationship. This won't work. See if he will agree to counseling to work through his hurt and anger in a more positive way. He can't give you a fair chance if he is consumed with her and consumed with getting even.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

A book I'd suggest is 'Not 'just friends''....or search online for Emotional Affair...I am pretty sure there are checklists that indicate whether you are more than friends. He may believe there is no harm if there is no physical contact, but it will be difficult for him to fully plug into the marriage if he has an emotional attachment to another woman.


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## xoxopinkxo (Sep 21, 2010)

Thanks everyone. I had pretty much considered this is what was going on between them. Even if it was just emotional talking. But like I said, he flat out refuses to stop talking to her b/c he insists she's just a friend. He says I am the one that needs to work on the marriage and show HIM that Im serious about making it work. I have to give it my all while he sits by and watches from the sidelines. And counciling is out of the question because he is about to go on a 12 month deployment. So, on top of me not getting a chance at reviving what little is left, he spends more time on the phone with this woman, than with me or the kids when we arent going to see him for a year. He says IF things get better, then and ONLY then, he will end the phone calls. So, I cannot force him to stop talking to her, because that is a for sure death sentence to my marriage. But, at the same time, I dont know how much longer I can sit by and let it happen. This woman has already basically told my husband she has feelings for him, but he still says "friends". IDK what else to do. It seems my only options right now are give him an ultimatium (which if he stays, will only make him resent me later for forcing him to stop talking to her) or just sit by and keep working while he keeps having his emotional fun time with someone else, and just PRAY that he comes around...either way Im royally screwed.


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## xoxopinkxo (Sep 21, 2010)

This site has been a huge wake up call for me. I finally decided today, to tell my DH that we both should back off, and not push anything. I will just continue to work on me, and we are going to let whatever happens, happen. I am still going to read my marriage books, and continue to better myself. If things dont end up working out, then I have better knowledge going into another relationship. I really dont want things to end for us...but if I force him to quit talking to this other woman..we are for sure done. So Ive decided either he will come to the decision that she is what he really wants....or I am. Maybe this 12 month deployment separation will tell us both what we need to know. Thank you ALL for your great advice!


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