# Huh???



## FirstYearDown

We are taking a road trip to see my in laws next month. My husband and I have decided to stay with his brother.

The first time we visited, we stayed at my MIL's house. I will never stay there again as long as she is alive. I did NOT feel comfortable because my MIL complained about everything. She got very angry when my husband and I took a nap together, after a 16 hour drive. My MIL called me fat in front of a bunch of people and proceeded to nag me every time she saw me eat. I want to enjoy my time with my BIL, his wife and our niece.

So my husband told my MIL that we are staying with his brother. For some reason, my MIL is pretending we did not tell her that and she is babbling about preparing the extra bedroom for us.  I don't know if this is a controlling tactic or my MIL really did not understand that we were staying with her other son. My SIL thinks we should just stay with my MIL and visit them during the day-I was warned that staying with them would cause a rift. 

My husband says he will tell his mother once again where we are staying. I don't want to cause a fight...do you think we should just stay with my MIL and be uncomfortable or do what we originally planned?


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## GTdad

This seems like a no-brainer to me: stay with your BIL.

Any arguments in favor of doing otherwise?


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## lamaga

Stay with your BIL. How old is your MIL? She may genuinely be confused, alas. Either way, no. You don't stay there.


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## FirstYearDown

My MIL is 62 and sharp as a tack. I don't want to stay there either....just don't want to cause a war.


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## lamaga

AHEM. You didn't cause the war.

If she gets upset, I think you and her should sit down for a cuppa, and just say calmly, here are the things that upset me the last time I stayed here. I'm sure you meant well, but I would prefer to stay elsewhere.

You have a right to your feelings!


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## FirstYearDown

I agree that I have the right to my feelings. My MIL is a very unbalanced and hateful person-calm and rational discussions don't work with her. The last time she insulted me, my husband tried to talk to his mother about her comments. Her response was "I WISH I NEVER HAD KIDS!"


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## lamaga

So don't engage. Smile sweetly and ignore her.

And I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this!


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## costa200

FirstYearDown said:


> I agree that I have the right to my feelings. My MIL is a very unbalanced and hateful person-calm and rational discussions don't work with her. The last time she insulted me, my husband tried to talk to his mother about her comments. Her response was "I WISH I NEVER HAD KIDS!"


Sounds like this could be made into some sort of sitcom...


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## dixieangel

What works for me with my hateful mother in law: 

I feel sorry for her. I realize she has had some major losses in her life. She is alone, lonely, and bitter. 

Years ago, she got out of hand with me. My husband told her she was out of line and we left. Just recently she came to our house, but then I realized the worst thing to do is to avoid her. I decided to stand my ground. My husband assured me that if she got out of line he'd ask her to leave. I will not get into a war with her. If i can put differences aside for my husband, she can do the same for her son. If she can't, it's her loss.

So, IMO you belong at your husbands side and it's his duty to stand up for you.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

BIL
no question.


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## FirstYearDown

I appreciate the way my husband handles any disagreements with his mother. He is always respectful when he has to ask his mother to be respectful to me. My BIL is not so diplomatic, but he and his wife also receive a lot more angry tirades and put downs from my MIL because they live very close to her. I only have to deal with my MIL in person once a year or less. Because of the distance, too much interaction is packed into five or six days. 

We will stay with my BIL. I don't need the constant negativity and it will be great to wake up to my niece and SIL. I feel sad for my MIL because she lacks the awareness to see how her actions push loved ones away.


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## FirstYearDown

Dear Lord. My SIL has begged us to stay with my MIL. Poor woman does not want to be blamed and screamed at for our choice to stay with her instead of my MIL. I am saddened by the way my SIL feels like she has to tip-toe around my MIL's volatile moods. My SIL reminded me that we can return to our province, but she has to live with my MIL's presence all the time. 

To MIL's house we go.  My husband has agreed to make sure that we always have something to do each day, so that we won't have to spend too much time with my MIL. I know that we will be at my BIL's place a lot since we want to spend time with our little niece and they have told us to come over as much as possible.

Sometimes my MIL is incredibly kind and thoughtful...that's why when she is mean or critical, it is like a slap in the face because it is so unexpected. I think the woman really needs counseling and perhaps medication.


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## Jellybeans

Wow. Your MIL sounds like a real peach. 

I would just have your husband tell MIL straight up "Thank you so much for the kind offer but we are going to stay with SIL. We can't wait to see you. Love you. Bye."


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## MrsOldNews

If you stay with your mil she won. She knows you said you were staying with sil before but she doesn't care. If she gets away with thus, think ifs what else she plans on getting away with while you're there. Can you afford a hotel? Or at least have some money gut ond if it's to much to bear at mil's house.


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## FirstYearDown

I want to stay in a hotel, but my husband feels that his mother would be very offended if we did so. We are spending a week in the house of undiagnosed mental illness.  I am drawing upon my compassion and I am very conscious of the fact that my MIL only sees her son once a year at most, because of the distance. I also know that my amiable FIL would like his favorite son to spend a trip with them.

Critical in-laws are best far away. The only problem is that when there are visits, too much contact is squeezed into a few days. I love Jellybeans suggestion; I just know that my MIL is not a rational person. 

Maybe I sound like a horrible DIL and I realize that I should be grateful that my MIL raised her son to be a nice man. I just don't appreciate undeserved insults and rants about my SIL who is a good friend of mine. I only tolerate my MIL's nonsense because she is my husband's mother.


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## Mavash.

My IL's aren't peachy either but I believe in picking your battles. We only saw them 2X a year so I sucked it up and stayed with them. But for the most part they behaved themselves. As they aged they got worse and they began to go after my kids. That's when we drew the line and started staying in a hotel. I'll tolerate quite a bit if it's only temporary but don't mess with my kids.


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## FirstYearDown

I do get along with my MIL better than my SIL. I think this is because I pick my fights and swallow my words out of love for my husband. Of course, this is easier since I am far away. 

It also comes down to upbringing because I was raised in a very strict and rule bound culture, where younger people respect and tolerate elders. I wouldn't dream of mocking my MIL the way I see my SIL doing. 

Just spoke to my MIL to let her know we are coming to her house. She talked about a care package she was sending us home with-this is what I don't understand! One minute my MIL is sweet as candy and other times my she is a snarling dragon.


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## Mavash.

FirstYearDown said:


> One minute my MIL is sweet as candy and other times my she is a snarling dragon.


My IL's are like this. I believe they are messed up from childhood abuse. I don't hold it against them but I did keep them at arms length.

I'm at the end of this chapter of my life. My MIL passed away last month and my FIL is 91 (living in a nursing home). They are no longer a threat to anyone and their house is now empty and about to be sold.

So my comfort to you is one day this too shall pass. It always does. It goes by so fast. I've been visiting my IL's for 23 years now and it's hard to believe it's almost completely over.


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## FirstYearDown

Mavash. said:


> My IL's are like this. I believe they are messed up from childhood abuse. I don't hold it against them but I did keep them at arms length.
> 
> I'm at the end of this chapter of my life. My MIL passed away last month and my FIL is 91 (living in a nursing home). They are no longer a threat to anyone and their house is now empty and about to be sold.
> 
> So my comfort to you is one day this too shall pass. It always does. It goes by so fast. I've been visiting my IL's for 23 years now and it's hard to believe it's almost completely over.


Yes, it will pass. Luckily I rarely see my in laws. :smthumbup:
I am looking forward to enjoying some wine with my SIL, playing with our niece and enjoying the clean country air. It is nice to get away from the city during the summer.


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## FirstYearDown

Mavash. said:


> My IL's aren't peachy either but I *believe in picking your battles*. *We only saw them 2X a year so I sucked it up and stayed with them*. But for the most part they behaved themselves. As they aged they got worse and they began to go after my kids. That's when we drew the line and started staying in a hotel. I'll tolerate quite a bit if it's only temporary but don't mess with my kids.


According to Turnera, it is weak to suck it up because you care about your husband's parents, who hardly see their son. You and I better go find divorce lawyers to get away from our spineless husbands! 
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

I find that when I have compassion for my MIL, I feel better about the relationship I have with her. The rare insults come from a very wounded place of jealousy and bitterness, along with strongly suspected untreated mental illness. I try to be remember the acts of kindness and generosity, such the party she threw for my husband and I because we eloped or the care packages.


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## FirstYearDown

Yes and I see my husband as a man who has stood up for me on many occasions. Nothing we say to my MIL is going to change her behavior; she is like a spoiled toddler who needs all attention to be on her or else the sniping starts. 

It was never our idea to stay with my MIL in the first place; my SIL is nervous about being in the eye of a hurricane with my MIL's tantrums and so she does not want to be blamed. I have seen the rampages and they are not pretty to say the least-weeping and listing all that she does for her sons. 

Someone once asked me if I loved my MIL. I responded with: "I love her as my husband's mother." That means that because of her importance in my husband's life, I tolerate much more than I would from anybody else on this earth. The silver lining is my dear old FIL-a very funny and mellow gentleman. I will enjoy seeing him. :smthumbup:


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## SimplyAmorous

Wow, some heat in this thread. 

I feel we can't change our crazy relatives, so long as we are *united* in dealing with them (whatever our decision), and we know it is "temporary"- even if in half misery... we can near battle anything. 

I think a hotel would be the best under the circumstances, given how SIL feels... but if husband is against it, I think I'd roll with whatever he decided, so long as I was "heard" in how I felt ...and we'd agree that if she gets TOO out of hand , TOO disrespectful during our stay, we'd leave & get that hotel in a heartbeat. 

The sister in law doesn't want to deal with the aftermath. I think alot of people are like this, they hate confrontation, they hate whining & they aren't good at telling others ..."Listen, I ain't listening to this SH** anymore" erecting a boundary to end it, or shut it out.... it seems many tip toe to appease the Mom here, anything for that "Peace" -but it seems a chasing after the wind with her anyway. 

Sometimes I feel this makes people more of a Monster than calling their behavior out -then Leaving them in the dust to contend with themselves. If all of her friends & family leave her in the dust, generally there is a reason for it. Eventually it's time to look within.


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## FirstYearDown

SA, I am mature enough to know that there is no reason to take shots at people when stating an opinion or giving advice. I have pity for those who lack diplomacy, just like I feel sorry for my MIL. 

You are so right about being united! My husband is quick to jump to my defence, not matter what his mother's response is. How she chooses to respond is not our problem, as long as she knows where we stand.

When interacting with my inlaws, I take my husband's feelings into consideration. He can't stand his mother's behavior either, but we still stay there because we know it is important to his father. I can very mouthy and loud with a sharp tongue, but I tone down this aspect of my personality around my in-laws. They are very reserved, tradition bound people. My MIL is a proud Scottish woman whose favorite subject is her "lineage" and history. 

I wish that my SIL would not tiptoe around my MIL. However, I do understand her desire to avoid angry tirades from the older woman. Both my BIL and his wife have tried to set boundaries with my MIL to no avail. I think it would be good for my MIL to have no contact with her sons, so that she can feel some consequences for her behavior. That is what I have done with my own mother and now she is very kind to me, because she knows that I will not tolerate unwarranted verbal abuse or meddling.

I love the way my husband has agreed to plan activities so that we will not be at his parent's house too often. Who knows? Maybe my MIL will take a chill pill and she may actually be nice.


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## Mavash.

turnera said:


> Do what you want to do. But I see a marriage in which the husband is afraid to stand up to his family, to protect his wife. Gateway to divorce.


This isn't always true. I was afraid to stand up to my family for a long time as was my husband. This isn't an easy thing to do. I eventually stood up to mine because they live 3 miles away and there was no other choice but with my husband it was different. His family lives 550 miles away so a confrontation made no sense. We only saw them 2X a year and we knew nothing we would ever say would make an difference so we chose to take the high road. It was only 14 days out of the year so we chose to just take it.

We did however come up with workable strategies to deal with the visits. We agreed to only stay a few days (they kept getting shorter and shorter over the years). We agreed to protect the kids at all costs. We overlooked a lot of bad behavior yes and but now that they are at the end I have peace knowing we did what was best for US.

Now had they lived closer this wouldn't have worked. 

And no it did not cause us to divorce. If anything it brought us closer together because we agreed on this TOGETHER.


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## FirstYearDown

:iagree::iagree:

It takes a real man to agree to take the high road. My husband loves the patience and tolerance I have for his mother; he was offended when he saw his SIL mocking his mom. 

I call my MIL just to say hi, thank her for her thoughtful birthday cards and ask for her advice just to make her feel relevant. I also bite my tongue when my MIL is rude and let my husband handle his mother. She is the woman who raised this wonderful man I married, so I feel that I have to try to be magnanimous.

I do these things because I understand that much of her petulant attitude comes from feeling displaced from her son's lives, now that they are both married. She is also choked with envy at the romance and doting her DILs receive from their husbands, because she is lacking that in her own marriage.


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## craftymindy

Oh my! She sounds so similar to my MIL ... IMO I would stay with your BIL. Afterall you did already make plans  Good Luck!


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## FirstYearDown

Hi crafty. It has already been decided that we are staying with my MIL. My SIL does not want us to stay with them anymore, out of fear of my MIL's wrath. I would rather not stay with my MIL, but if my SIL would rather not deal with certain things, we need to respect that.


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## that_girl

Woot! Yay for no ILs. hahaha You'll have fun! Promise.


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## FirstYearDown

I am so jealous that you have no in-laws TG.

I am looking forward to seeing my SIL, our niece and my husband's crazy kooky aunt.


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## FirstYearDown

*Update.*

Here in my in laws little town. We are at my BIL's for the night, taking care of our two year old niece. What a smart little sweetie she is. 

I have been added to the recorded family tree, which makes me very happy. Today I swam in a river for the first time and it was wonderful. This area is not unlike a summer cottage with gorgeous moonlight, clean air and more stars than I have seen in years. 

Some moron asked me "What's wrong with your husband? No babies yet?" I just gave her a fake smile and said "No!" Apparently she's married to a cousin. My MIL has been nice, except for a snarky comment: "I don't know how (husband) can sleep with your loud snoring!"  A polite person would not mention such a thing to a guest. It is not as if I snore purposely, asthma and seasonal allergies are to blame. 

My husband wants to refrain from visiting for a few years. His brother made a scene for the second time the other day. We left my BIL's home because he was being so rude to his wife that she started crying. The first time we came last year, my BIL swore at his mother. My husband has had enough of his brother's tantrums and I can't say that I blame him! Imagine driving for nearly fourteen hours, only to have your sibling act like a royal ass all over again! Watching my BIL made me glad that my husband does not behave like that. My BIL wept and apologized-he also confided in us that he is always angry. I think there are some problems with the business that he owns, as well as dealing with my SIL having a miscarriage. My husband told his brother to see a shrink. 

Oh well....all families have problems. Not my concern.


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## turnera

*Re: Update.*



FirstYearDown said:


> My husband wants to refrain from visiting for a few years.
> 
> as well as dealing with my SIL having a miscarriage. My husband told his brother to see a shrink.
> 
> Oh well....all families have problems. Not my concern.


Good idea not to visit.

How dare BIL act like that after SIL had a miscarriage. He should be taking care of HER, not the other way around.

Not your concern? I guess...but you could still point SIL to a place like this so she can get some help to deal with such an ass.


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## FirstYearDown

I don't want my SIL on TAM; she doesn't need to see what I post. 

I try my best to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this is the second time my BIL has thrown a tantrum around us. Then it's the crying and apologizing....I am tired of his BS! We don't need to drive such a long distance to deal with my in-laws nonsense.

I know it must be hard to have your own business in an area with few clientele. My SIL also makes more money than my BIL; perhaps that gets to him too. Still no excuse for making family uncomfortable. 

Their marriage is obviously troubled. My SIL complains that my BIL is very irrational and unromantic. I am seriously very lucky to have a husband who treats me with respect and TLC. He said: "The next time we visit, we are taking a plane and staying in a hotel. I don't care what my family wants anymore." It won't be for at least 3-4 years.


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