# Sex completely stopped 6 months into marriage



## ABeachGirl75 (Oct 15, 2020)

I have been married for almost 4 years. It has NOT been easy at all. My husband lied about many things before we got married but I never found out to the extent until after I married him. I won't make this long, here is what I struggle with. After I got married I found out he lied about women he was seeing, while dating me he was continuing (not ending) relationships with several women. He claims these were just friendships, but when they found out about me, they were not happy. He asked me to marry him 6 months after we met. We got married 10 months after we met. I am in my late 50s he is in his mid 60s, I thought at our age we could move more quickly than say if we were in our 20's. Wrong, I should have never agreed to marry him. 

He lied about the women he was involved with, he kept them around even after he "committed" to me. Some of these women were married and they were sending him gifts, he was loaning them money, etc. He had a whole harem going. Yet while dating me he was so lonely, wanted marriage, committment, passion, he had been single for years. He claimed he might not be able to maintain an erection as it had been so long.

Sex was pretty bad but then he told me it was due to low testosterone, he has a brain tumor that floods his body with some chemical that kills testosterone, etc. Other than bad, almost non existent sex, things were good, he wanted me, not them, he asked me to marry him, not them. I thought I was the lucky one. Now I think I was the stupid one.

I left him a couple of times because after we got married he flat has never wanted sex, claims he has nothing down there, it has dissapeared. He had also told me when we were dating that he doesn't look at porn, it's degrading to women! After we got married, I found his porn stash on his computer. 7 months into our marriage I left him. Packed my car and ran like hell one night and drove to my home state. He followed, wanted to move with me and start a new life away from all his "friends". He had to make one trip back to his house to pack and move everything. I find out later when he was there he was doing computer searches for one of his "friends" he claimed he dumped for me, and...several searchs for porn sites. While I think he is back working his tail off to pack and come start new with me, he is hanging out searching for her and porn to get off on.

I struggle with the fact he has sworn he doesn't look at porn - anymore. Yet we have not had sex in the past 3 years of our marriage, nothing. He said he doesn't want to, has NO desire to, he can't because of a small pituitary tumor in his brain, blames that for ED.

I think he married me because the women in his "harem" were unattainable (either married or didn't want anything serious}, he thinks I'm coming into a lot of money when I retire (I'm not), and he had relied on porn for so long in secret, he has no desire to be with a real woman. I have noticed over 4 years he oogles other women, reads about female celebrities online (claims he accidentally clicks on those articles) and I believe he masturbates from time to time.

He refuses to pleasure me, says it's no fun for him to please me when he can not get an erection. I have cried and begged for him to just touch me or use toys, it's always a no go. He offers back rubs and buys me anything I want thinking I should just be happy with that and the fact I don't have to work. We are just companions/room mates.

I cry because I still want sex, I want a man to desire me and want me. At this age I don't expect wild sex just love and affection and desire. He is completely shut off. He holds my hand and will tell me I'm beautiful, then if he gets angry he says hurtful things and becomes disrespectful.

He watches TV and when beautiful women or sex scenes come on, he sits there like Jabba the Hut slobbering over the women. I feel disgusted like I'm in the room with a pervert. He won't touch me but he will lock in to the TV. 

What man doesn't even want to try and please his wife sexually? He could care less. I feel devalued, humiliated and angry. Then when he spends an hour taking a bath, then takes a shower right after - I pretty much know what he is doing in the bathroom. Yet he claims nothing happens down there, he has to find it to pee. 

We got into a fight today because he was staring at some girl on the TV, he quickly changed the channel when I walked up. I said "What were you watching put it back" It was a Steve McQueen movie. He said "You just want to see if I was looking at women". No, I wanted to see Steve McQueen. He exploded telling me I always accuse him of looking at other women. I brought up the fact that maybe it wouldn't be an issue if he desired and wanted me. I asked him if he had a porn addiction prior to us meeting and I am not jealous of other women, I just want attention from my husband instead of feeling neglected and rejected. He threw a glass of water at me. I threw something back then he grabbed me and threw me, I didn't fall but almost did. His anger scared the crap out of me.

Something is off with him, he complete lack of wanting to touch me, his anger, his need to fantasize about unattainable women (on tv, internet, married, etc.) is bizarre. Why marry me if you don't want to have sex with your wife? He thinks by providing or me, he asked me to quit my job, and buying me things - I should just live like this and not complain about "the one thing" he claims he can't do. He can masturbate to other women but he can't bear to touch me? Then gets irate when I complain about his lack of desire for me. If a man really loves a woman, wouldn't he want to please her? Even if he got nothing out of it wouldn't he want to do it to keep her happy? I know if the tables were turned he would be out trying to get laid or be jacking off to porn. I'm dying for sex and attention from a man, he doesn't care. Says he can't and I need to either leave or accept it. He is punishing me now by ignoring me and acting like he is the victim. Note: I have offered counseling, Viagra, injections, toys, everything to no avail. I'm just here to be his companion, maid and cook. While I'm silently crying and lonely.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Seven letter word starts with "d".


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Easy answer. After all the info, best to D now. Get situated and get gone.

The time to split is now. Really, don't wait.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ABeachGirl75 said:


> I have been married for almost 4 years. It has NOT been easy at all. My husband lied about many things before we got married but I never found out to the extent until after I married him. I won't make this long, here is what I struggle with. After I got married I found out he lied about women he was seeing, while dating me he was continuing (not ending) relationships with several women. He claims these were just friendships, but when they found out about me, they were not happy. He asked me to marry him 6 months after we met. We got married 10 months after we met. I am in my late 50s he is in his mid 60s, I thought at our age we could move more quickly than say if we were in our 20's. Wrong, I should have never agreed to marry him.
> 
> He lied about the women he was involved with, he kept them around even after he "committed" to me. Some of these women were married and they were sending him gifts, he was loaning them money, etc. He had a whole harem going. Yet while dating me he was so lonely, wanted marriage, committment, passion, he had been single for years. He claimed he might not be able to maintain an erection as it had been so long.
> 
> ...


You asked why would he marry you if he didn't want to have sex... You answered that yourself:



> I think he married me because the women in his "harem" were unattainable (either married or didn't want anything serious}, he thinks I'm coming into a lot of money when I retire (I'm not)


So you have a husband who is a compulsive liar (is his brain tumor even real??), a cheater, an abuser, and doesn't want sex. WHY are you still with him? Why did you take him back?? 

Your answer is simple: Divorce this man.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Given your experience you may get the marriage annulled.

Get out.

Sent from my CPH1979 using Tapatalk


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

ABeachGirl75 said:


> Packed my car and ran like hell one night and drove to my home state


Yeah, you need to do this again. Sounds like a complete narcissist. That's why he rushed to get married, he couldn't keep the mask facade for that long. Run for the hills, go no contact and stand your ground...do not believe his hoovering (sounds like you have though, b/c you keep going back). You don't need this aggravation. Narcs are dangerous if you give them the chance.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ABeachGirl75 said:


> he can't because of a small pituitary tumor in his brain


And, this tumor is known of how ? Imaging of his head, CT, MRI? Has there been blood study of prolactin? BTW, this is a known, but rare cause of ED. A doc, however, would want it studied to be sure.....

In the absence of this scientific testing, it's an excuse. Chalk another one up to porn..... tell him to repent of his concupiscence, seek your forgiveness, and the forgiveness of his Lord.

If the problem is porn, and he casts it out of his life for 6 months to a year, and renews his mind toward you, problem will be over.

If the problem is indeed pituitary tumor, he should be soon seeking the care of endocrinology.

If the problem (horses, not zebras) is his lustfulness and selfishness, and there is no turning away from it, and toward you, you have every good right to end your marriage on the grounds of adultery.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Get out. This will not get better. You had life before him, you can have life after him. with a chance of still meeting someone who will appreciate and desire you. 

Don't waste your time with him, life is too short.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

The fact that you even have to ask the questions does not bode well for you. Get the heck out! Nothing to save, a sham from the start. Looking for permission?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ABeachGirl75 said:


> ...I left him a couple of times because after we got married he flat has never wanted sex...


I think your initial instincts to leave him were correct and I think that is what you need to do again. 

If you are however looking to understand why he behaves the way he does, there are many people that struggle to have a sexual relationship with someone after feeling emotionally close. Meanwhile sex works just fine with complete strangers or friends with benefits that have little or no emotional involvement. Behavior like this most likely boils down to some type of sexual trauma that a person experienced. It could be something like being quickly abandoned by his first sexual partner for someone else, or having received some type of abuse like being humiliated by his peers. 

Who knows, but at his age the damage is done and there is likely no point in trying to help solve whatever his issues are. You are better off to ask yourself what is best for you and take care of yourself. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ABeachGirl75 said:


> I'm dying for sex and attention from a man, he doesn't care. Says he can't and I need to either leave or accept it.


Well, there ya go. Answered your own question. Now leave.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

And leave quickly.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

you married a dud that knew he was a dud and got married anyway under false pretenses.

he should have been honest, first with himself and then with you. he is not suited for marriage. that is not bad in and of itself. the deceit however is bad.

why do people like this with profound personal issues try to get married? very frustrating and devastating.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

The poly open marriage guy is wondering why are you still with him?

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

lots of con men out there preying on women 50+ Unfortunately you came into the crosshairs of this one. 

Time to get yourself out of those crosshairs.


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