# Internet Cheating



## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

My husband has been posting to internet dating sites. I have no proof of an acutally affair, but I did receive a email, by accident, that linked me to his internet dating profile. I want to confront him about this and demand that he remove it. This is completely unacceptable to me. I don't know if I am being stupid assuming that nothing has happened beyond just posting to these sites. I am not sure what to do or how to go about it. But if this behaviour contuines I cannot participate in this marriage. It is a lack of respect of me and takes away all the trust I have. Any help would be great, I don't know where to turn or what to do.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Start by installing a keylogger


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Do not confront. Trust me. You need more.

I confronted too early and lived in misery for months. I guarantee that he will lie, minimize, say he did it to get access to something else, say it happened by THEM filling it out and sending him a free trial, say he did it for "fun" but didn't meet anyone, say someone hacked his email, whatever, it will come and IT WONT BE THE TRUTH.

You need to know what he is up to and it is the hardest thing in the world. You need to wait and see what he does next. Do you have access to his email? How did you find out? How long have you been married? 

He may be up to nothing at all or he may be up to no good. You will NEVER know if you confront now. My H destroyed the hard drive after I confronted. Had I waited and got all the data off first, I would have saved tons of stupid fights and denials. Wait. 

Sorry you are here.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

C.L, the degree of danger of your husband trying to line up an affair can be partially judged on your sex life. Simply put, a man (or woman) who isn't getting much action at home is more likely to stray. Depending on age, a good benchmark for a guy less than 35 is 2-3 times a week. Most want more but from my experience will not complain much with that frequency and will not use that as an excuse to cheat. The male ego, being the devil it is, will often cause a man to attempt to prove he is still desirable to the opposite sex if his wife is making him believe he is not. The proof of the pudding is whether she is consistently responsive. (unless there are reasonable reasons she cannot be. Constantly having headaches, being too tired, and not in the mood ain't reasonable reasons)
Oftentimes, men peruse the internet out of curiosity with no real intention of lining something up. The fact that his is looking doesn't necessarily mean he is planning. Albeit, such activity can suck a guy deeper and deeper into it and get him into a situation he didn't plan to be. You must to talk with him about how it upsets you. Yes, It is a lack of respect of you and understandably takes away the trust you have. If he has any sense, he'll stop. If not, you'll know where you stand and can take the appropriate action.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

@LostWifeCrushed
We are coming up on our 2nd anniversary. I don't have access to his email accounts. I received a junk email, this site apparently links in your address book and sends out an automated email. I saw the entire profile he posted with photos that were taken a month ago. And saw his listing of "what he was looking for" etc. I really feel betrayed to be truthful. The secrets and lack of respect for me is REALLY bothering me.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

@fvstringpicker
Our sex life has never been a problem. He is 36 and I am 30, I would never deny his advances and am more than happy to have more than 2-3 times a week. I am holding hope that since I don't have proof, that it is like you say, just looking around. But again, not sure if I am just being stupid. Feel really lost and confused at the moment!


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

LostWife, it appears to me that when he destroyed the hard drive as a result of your confrontation, you had prima facie evidence. Like we say in law, "Res Ipsa Loquitur".


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

C.L. you need to tell him how you feel. You should feel betrayed and the lack of respect should bother. ( he's not viewing it that away because your not suppose to know) If you're never denying him and it more than 2-3 a weeks, I don't think he's going to be chasing other women unless he has a sex addiction problem. Most 36 year old men cannot stock two shelves, if you know what I mean. Get this out on the table and get it out now. If you don't you're going to be on a slow burn and it will affect your relationship. He doesn't have any business on these sites anyway. Tell him if he's going to keep perusing these sites, you may need to set you up an account to join in on the fun.


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

Reading your recent post again you seem rather vague in your answer. You say you "wouldn't" deny his advances. Out of that I assume that he just doesn't make as many advance. (I might be wrong with that. If so, please correct).

I do agree with FV on his take about what guys "need". However I do not agree with the idea of why your H might be having his profile. I know of countless guys who have profiles on dating sites, many of them married, not one of them "just for looking". There are clear intentions.

If you confront him, I, too, believe it will go exactly like LWC mentioned. He will lie and you will get even more confused. He will learn, though, about his technical mistake, which might hold him back for a while. But he will go at it again sooner or later. 

To me he is definitely holding his feelers out and his motivation is sex.

I hate to suggest that, but he might have lost his sexual appetite for you (an issue that is much more common than most people would guess). You could maybe test it by initiating sex more often by yourself for the next couple of times and see how he reacts to it.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

confusedlioness said:


> @LostWifeCrushed
> We are coming up on our 2nd anniversary. I don't have access to his email accounts. I received a junk email, this site apparently links in your address book and sends out an automated email. I saw the entire profile he posted with photos that were taken a month ago. And saw his listing of "what he was looking for" etc. I really feel betrayed to be truthful. The secrets and lack of respect for me is REALLY bothering me.


If that is enough, then you don't need more. I had no proof of anything other than a few session cookies on a live sex site. Men seeking women....etc. Basically, it looked like you could check out each other in real time chat and also hook up. Um, I didn't wait around for more. I wanted out at that. Got a full STD panel and drew up papers. Don't play around with this stuff. Its not porn if they can meet------its a loaded gun. They are playing with fire.

If you don't want to let your marriage go without absolute proof of physical infidelity (the often legal line back before no-fault)? You need in-your-face evidence. Tough, tough place to be in. 

I also find it strange that the site would email a profile to someone's address book, that just sounds odd.


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> C.L. you need to tell him how you feel. You should feel betrayed and the lack of respect should bother. ( he's not viewing it that away because your not suppose to know) If you're never denying him and it more than 2-3 a weeks, I don't think he's going to be chasing other women unless he has a sex addiction problem. Most 36 year old men cannot stock two shelves, if you know what I mean. Get this out on the table and get it out now. If you don't you're going to be on a slow burn and it will affect your relationship. He doesn't have any business on these sites anyway. Tell him if he's going to keep perusing these sites, you may need to set you up an account to join in on the fun.


I, personally, really like the idea with joining in on the fun. I do want to give the warning, though, that he might pick you up on that idea.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> LostWife, it appears to me that when he destroyed the hard drive as a result of your confrontation, you had prima facie evidence. Like we say in law, "Res Ipsa Loquitur".


I did. 


ahh...law classes, fond memories.....


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

@ the renegade
I meant that I don't deny him when he wants to have sex. We both equally initiate sex. I have thought of twisting things as in "how would you feel if I had a site" feel him out. 

@LWC
I have no idea why the site sent out an email, if it hadn't I would be completely in the dark. I might have had feelings occassionally that something was off, but other than that, nothing. So, perhaps it is a blessing in disguise.


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I also find it strange that the site would email a profile to someone's address book, that just sounds odd.


Totally with you on that. the clientele of those sites is usually very interested in discretion. And the sites should be very aware of that. Believe they would risk a lot of business if they apply systems like that. Yes, strange.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

The Renegade said:


> Totally with you on that. the clientele of those sites is usually very interested in discretion. And the sites should be very aware of that. Believe they would risk a lot of business if they apply systems like that. Yes, strange.


Yeah absolutely no idea why it happened, but it did. I got a message into my junk mail that allowed me to link directly to his site. But I am SURE that it was a totally accident that I received it!


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Not sure about the whole email thing. Or the joining in....

For some reason I see you responding for a date and meeting him and the look of shock on his face while he says (without missing a beat)...."this has always been my fantasy, I sent you that email on purpose"

and if you protest, the reply would be, "Do you really think I would send my WIFE a dating profile by accident??"

Sorry, this is just the first thought that popped in my head. But that's what I mean about confronting before you have evidence of him contacting a _different_ woman. If you set up an account, it will backfire and get twisted.

But like I said earlier, the deception itself may be enough for you. But it will forever be a case of he said, she said if you end it now.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

confusedlioness said:


> *My husband has been posting to internet dating sites.* I have no proof of an acutally affair, but I did receive a email, by accident, that linked me to his internet dating profile. I want to confront him about this and demand that he remove it. This is completely unacceptable to me. I don't know if I am being stupid assuming that nothing has happened beyond just posting to these sites. I am not sure what to do or how to go about it. But if this behaviour contuines I cannot participate in this marriage. It is a lack of respect of me and takes away all the trust I have. Any help would be great, I don't know where to turn or what to do.


Oh that's terrible, it must have been absolutely gut wrenching to discover what he's been doing.
This happened to my best friend & her BF's excuse was that they had been fighting a lot & he just wanted to see what else was out there.
He emailed back & forth to a few women, but never met up with any of them, or so he says. 
They are still together, but my friend still thinks about this 16 months later & it does color their relationship. 

What are you going to do if you put a keylogger on the computer & discover the extent of his Internet activities?


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> Oh that's terrible, it must have been absolutely gut wrenching to discover what he's been doing.
> This happened to my best friend & her BF's excuse was that they had been fighting a lot & he just wanted to see what else was out there.
> He emailed back & forth to a few women, but never met up with any of them, or so he says.
> They are still together, but my friend still thinks about this 16 months later & it does color their relationship.
> ...


At first I was just stunned and shocked! To have it so in my face... Then I was pissed and wanted to just jump down his throat. But I gave it some thought and decided to get some advice and opinions. If the keylogger discovers a problem, with emails and innuendo, then I only feel that I have one option. I can't and won't be relegated to a cake and eat it too situation. I have a hard policy on cheating and he has ALWAYS know this I was always upfront about my feelings on cheating. There is no second chance.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

confusedlioness said:


> At first I was just stunned and shocked! To have it so in my face... *Then I was pissed and wanted to just jump down his throat. But I gave it some thought and decided to get some advice and opinions. If the keylogger discovers a problem, with emails and innuendo, then I only feel that I have one option. I can't and won't be relegated to a cake and eat it too situation. I have a hard policy on cheating and he has ALWAYS know this I was always upfront about my feelings on cheating. There is no second chance*.


That's pretty much how I would feel too, I'm so glad that you didn't jump the gun & confront him yet, make sure to get as much intel as you can.
I'm absolutely Black & White when it comes to cheating, I've been through it in past relationships & my husband knows it's my #1 Deal Breaker.
On that I will not waiver, nor negotiate. 
If he cheats, I'm done, no if's and's or but's about it. 

Wishing you some peace in this situation & I really do hope he has not progressed beyond just posting a profile.


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

confusedlioness said:


> @ the renegade
> I meant that I don't deny him when he wants to have sex. We both equally initiate sex. I have thought of twisting things as in "how would you feel if I had a site" feel him out.


Did you ever feel him out already? 

Not sure if that's a good idea, but it just popped into my head: What if you wouldn't talk about his stuff at all first, but you approached him in a way like "A friend of yours (married woman) just read an article where there was reported that most people on the internet dating sites are actually married and just out of fun she asked her husband (innocently and hypothetically) what would happen if he found out that she had such a profile. And after you both (you and your H) had a good laugh and "oohhhh" about that story, you just ask, by the way: What would you think if you would find out that I had ...

Like I said, not sure if that's a great idea. Might need some extra thought on how to pull it off nicely. But, hey, think about it. I think that could be a good way to feel him out.

But, I think, it's best then to just learn his answer and not let it drift off to his problem. 

Cheers.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do what I did: print out his dating profile and show it to him. Ask him, "What's this?"

Now, a word of experience: He is absolutely 100% going to tell you he did not meet anyone offline. He may say other things, too, but as long as I've reading up on this sh!t, I have never ever seen a post/read about a cheating (yes, it's cheating to actively post on dating sites when you are married and looking for other people/sex partners) where a spouse actually admits right off the bat that they met someone off the site. 

KNOW that.

Lady, it's cheating. I am sorry you found it but now you can see where his head is at. And yes, he should take it down. In fact, he should do so w/o any prompting from you after you confront him. If he doesn't, well, you know all there is to know.

After my divorce, exH admitted to having been on about 3 other sites.

Oh and by the way, yes, he did cheat which he later admitted. 

Uh huh.

Get tested. Cause you never know.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Phenix70 said:


> This happened to my best friend & her BF's excuse was that they had been fighting a lot & he just wanted to see what else was out there.
> He emailed back & forth to a few women, *but never met up with any of them, or so he says. *


See?

Example #1. 

Every frickin' time!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

confusedlioness said:


> My husband has been posting to internet dating sites. I have no proof of an acutally affair, but I did receive a email, by accident, that linked me to his internet dating profile. I want to confront him about this and demand that he remove it. This is completely unacceptable to me. I don't know if I am being stupid assuming that nothing has happened beyond just posting to these sites. I am not sure what to do or how to go about it. But if this behaviour contuines I cannot participate in this marriage. It is a lack of respect of me and takes away all the trust I have. Any help would be great, I don't know where to turn or what to do.


Does this ad of his suggest a location? As in local? How does he describe himself? Married and looking? Separated? Discreet? How does the "interested party" contact him? In addition to these ads, does he chat? facebook?

It's a red flag, definitely, no getting around it. Trust the other members here to give you information on how to find out more. Keep your silence, for now. You need the time to gather information together before you confront him.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Does this ad of his suggest a location? As in local? How does he describe himself? Married and looking? Separated? Discreet? How does the "interested party" contact him? In addition to these ads, does he chat? facebook?
> 
> It's a red flag, definitely, no getting around it. Trust the other members here to give you information on how to find out more. Keep your silence, for now. You need the time to gather information together before you confront him.


It is local, he has listed himself as "single" not even married. Anyother thing I can't get past currently. It is a email/chat kind of site. He has facebook but not other social sites, that I know of any way. 
I am here to trust everyone else and, sadly, their experience. It is saddening to see how many threads there are about cheating and how many people are responding with similar situations.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

confusedlioness said:


> At first I was just stunned and shocked! To have it so in my face... Then I was pissed and wanted to just jump down his throat. But I gave it some thought and decided to get some advice and opinions. If the keylogger discovers a problem, with emails and innuendo, then I only feel that I have one option. I can't and won't be relegated to a cake and eat it too situation. I have a hard policy on cheating and he has ALWAYS know this I was always upfront about my feelings on cheating. There is no second chance.


From the "been there - done that" department, I'm with you.

My CH currently has ads on dating sites, complete with his picture, his current status "separated" his interests and he is looking for a long term relationship. My lawyer has copies. Those dating ads have a snowball effect, in that other dating sites will link to your spouse's ad, especially if a location is specified.

Since you don't have past information on him, maintain your silence. Look for other email accounts. Google them and see if something connects. How about his cell phone? Usage? Can you get records of incoming/outgoing calls?

Keylogger will save you lots of time (I didn't have one), but I certainly noted the cell phone usage, his trips out of town, and the sort of job he has takes him to several States in which those calls came from. Verizon wireless has an internet feature to log in his cell phone, password, and you can see his contact information. Keep that in mind. You might want to see his contact list.

History. Computer History to be specific. CH never erased his history. In other words, when he wasn't home I could see the sites he visited. Sometimes (if you are lucky) it will automatically log him in. Take screen shots.

And, again worth repeating, keep your silence. "Go Dark" as they say here. Gather information and keep it safe. Make copies if you have to and store them elsewhere. Don't trust anything he tells you.

Good luck to you and keep us advised. We care.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> From the "been there - done that" department, I'm with you.
> 
> My CH currently has ads on dating sites, complete with his picture, his current status "separated" his interests and he is looking for a long term relationship. My lawyer has copies. Those dating ads have a snowball effect, in that other dating sites will link to your spouse's ad, especially if a location is specified.
> 
> ...


Thanks, that is all really great advice, things I haven't even thought of. I will try to stay silent, it is so hard. I am really struggling with it. Just so lost... and thanks I know there are lots of people here that care.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

confusedlioness said:


> @LWC
> I have no idea why the site sent out an email, if it hadn't I would be completely in the dark. I might have had feelings occassionally that something was off, but other than that, nothing. So, perhaps it is a blessing in disguise.


The email was sent because of a virus or some sort of tracking at the site he visited. I also got one of those from a site (TWOO) which was an invitation to join there. So did everyone else on his address book, because one other person showed me.

THEN, he apparently hooked up with another woman on the site, and I got another "invitation" from CH and OW to join THEM. I forwarded it back to CH with some snarky remark, and he claims it wasn't from him (which is technically the truth).


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

confusedlioness said:


> Thanks, that is all really great advice, things I haven't even thought of. I will try to stay silent, it is so hard. I am really struggling with it. Just so lost... and thanks I know there are lots of people here that care.


I know you are struggling. (((hugs)))

I still feel the hurt reliving what I learned about my CH and sharing them here. I Left him 3 months ago and still feel the hurt, betrayal and anger. That's why I am here. This place is therapy for me as I have learned that I am not alone. You are not alone. And, it will be okay. Things will get better FOR YOU (not so sure about CH) - but who cares. 

We deserve better than this.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

confusedlioness said:


> My husband has been posting to internet dating sites. I have no proof of an acutally affair, but I did receive a email, by accident, that linked me to his internet dating profile. I want to confront him about this and demand that he remove it. This is completely unacceptable to me. I don't know if I am being stupid assuming that nothing has happened beyond just posting to these sites. I am not sure what to do or how to go about it. But if this behaviour contuines I cannot participate in this marriage. It is a lack of respect of me and takes away all the trust I have. Any help would be great, I don't know where to turn or what to do.



I am so very sorry you are going through this. My husband had a few EA's with a woman at work and on face book and it has colored our marriage forever. I just do not feel the same way about him anymore. Let us know what happens and keep us posted. My first reaction would be to confront him. It's hard not to. Of course he will deny. I swear they all read the same book on excuse lines. She's just a friend, can't I have any friends, you are insecure, blah, blah, blah. Makes me sick.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

C.L., I agree with LostWife that I also find it strange that the site would email a profile to your address book. Where would the site get your information to ping your address book? Is it possible this is some sort of set up? A number of years ago, my ex-wife's aunt "registered" me with a couple of dozen porno sites. I was getting hundreds of emails from these sites (at work and I'm a college professor) Try explaining that to the Dean and the President.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> C.L., I agree with LostWife that I also find it strange that the site would email a profile to your address book. Where would the site get your information to ping your address book? Is it possible this is some sort of set up? A number of years ago, my ex-wife's aunt "registered" me with a couple of dozen porno sites. I was getting hundreds of emails from these sites (at work and I'm a college professor) Try explaining that to the Dean and the President.


I am not sure how this would be a set up. There are new photos posted that we only taken a month ago. And older ones that only he has on computer, no one else has access to them.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I'm not wanting to overly speculate, but its as if someone wanted you to get that email.


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

Is there anyone in your environment who could disapprove of your relationship or would gain a benefit if he/she could separate you? Including other guys who might have an unanswered crush on you? Just saying. It would be easy for somebody else to set up that profile and sneak it in front of your eyes. 

It's unlikely, but you by yourself will have the best feel of your H, how your connection generally is, if he's satisfied in your marriage, if he's one who's likely to stray or not. 

If that now sounds nonsense to you than, absolutely, he's out with no good intentions. Then your reaction can only be one of two:

1) divorce

2) accept (and know that he will do it again)

It's hard, but that simple.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

C.L., other than the pictures, what information is published on his profile. (real name, etc.?) Having that email dropped in your lap is really intriguing.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> C.L., other than the pictures, what information is published on his profile. (real name, etc.?) Having that email dropped in your lap is really intriguing.


It has his name, as much as these sites allow, about me, looking for both as he would write stuff. Then the general relationship, orientation, physical features, etc. 

There is no one in our life, that I am aware, that would go to this length to set up a fake account and get it to me.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

@ Fvstrinspicker

Your comments got me thinking... I did a search on this site regarding it and viruses. Apparently it links peoples facebook and email accounts after entering your passwords and essentially spams everyone in your address book. So, I am assuming that is how I have received this email. But that still means that he had to use the site and enter his email pasword, right?


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

confusedlioness said:


> @ Fvstrinspicker
> 
> Your comments got me thinking... I did a search on this site regarding it and viruses. Apparently it links peoples facebook and email accounts after entering your passwords and essentially spams everyone in your address book. So, I am assuming that is how I have received this email. But that still means that he had to use the site and enter his email pasword, right?


Yes, right. The sites have learned to trick this onto people in very sophisticated ways.

But that's a technical mistake he made. Does not change the fact that he is out to get physical (if not that way, then another) and you have to deal with it.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I may have been wrong recommending you immediately confront him. Perhaps you need to do a little spying to see the extent of his involvement. Can you set up a ghost chick to contact and entice him to see his reaction? I cannot imagine him being stupid enough to use his own name and other personal information that can directly be traced.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

Well, regardless if it was all an accident and I somehow received it, he is on his page daily. It post when the person was last active and there is a chat option. So, I know that he has been on it in the last 4 hours.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

C.L., what do you think about responding to his site with a ghost/decoy woman that meets his requirements? Work it into a meeting and see if he shows. You'll know the truth and will have evidence to support your decision.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband was also on dating sites - my story is in my sig.

Firstly, he is cheating just by looking. Secondly, the chances he hasn't met with anyone are quite slim. At the very least he's chatting sexually with these women.

If you want to know the extent of his doings, I second the keylogger suggestion. If I'd had my wits about me when I discovered it, I would have installed one on my hubby's computer so that I would know for 10000000% certainty that he never met up with anyone. As it stands, I do not have that certainty. I can live with that myself, but could you? To me, whether he met up with anyone is kind of a moot point because he cheated just by looking and chatting and sexting and paying escort agencies.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wouldn't keep "silent" about this. If he's on a site saying he's single using recent pics and picking up women AND having recent pics up as recent as a few weeks back, then what more are you waiting for? 
Staying silent doesn't resolve the problem.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> My husband was also on dating sites - my story is in my sig.
> 
> Firstly, he is cheating just by looking. Secondly, the chances he hasn't met with anyone are quite slim. At the very least he's chatting sexually with these women.
> 
> If you want to know the extent of his doings, I second the keylogger suggestion. If I'd had my wits about me when I discovered it, I would have installed one on my hubby's computer so that I would know for 10000000% certainty that he never met up with anyone. As it stands, I do not have that certainty. I can live with that myself, but could you? To me, whether he met up with anyone is kind of a moot point because he cheated just by looking and chatting and sexting and paying escort agencies.


I agree with you. Inclination and Opportunity is all you need. Signing up and placing an ad is clear inclination. No way around the intent. Posting a profile with the WS's location to LOOK for dates, invites the opportunity. After that, all that is left is for some OW to "bite" and WS would be on it. Otherwise, why bother with the ad?

The follow up in my situation is the numerous cell phone calls he exchanged with OW, and the location of where these OW called from. They were local enough for him to meet, which I have no doubt that he did. 

If he did not have relations with these OW, it's not for lack of trying.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

I think that I have decided to talk to him. I want to see what he says, lies or not, and see how damaged out marriage is. If he flat out lies to me, I can't stay with a man like that. It still galls me his lack of respect, that is the hump I can't get over. If he tells the truth, and as was mentioned, is in a fog, then there could be hope for our future. Still unsure of all this, but I feel that it might be my best course of action. 
Complicating all this, is that we had always discussed children and his fake profile says, no children ever! I metioned a comment about kids the other day, in passing, and it was not met kindly. So thinking that there are far more problem with our marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Print out the evidence cause if not, you can bet your a$$ he will deny it.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Print out the evidence cause if not, you can bet your a$$ he will deny it.


I already have. I am trying to stay logical and smart about the whole thing. If I went emotional, it could go really really wrong.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well of course your emotional--your husband is cheating on you!

When you confront him, be calm. Just stick to the point.

You deserve better.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, try to be calm. Although me having a volcanic eruption seemed to get the result I wanted - him out of the house.

I am pulling for you. I hope he comes clean and doesn't lie to you. It's rare, but it does happen. My hubby didn't deny when I caught him - he did try to minimize what he did for a while, but I didn't let him get away with it. Normal human reaction, I suppose.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Yeah, try to be calm. Although me having a volcanic eruption seemed to get the result I wanted - him out of the house.
> 
> I am pulling for you. I hope he comes clean and doesn't lie to you. It's rare, but it does happen. My hubby didn't deny when I caught him - he did try to minimize what he did for a while, but I didn't let him get away with it. Normal human reaction, I suppose.


Thanks hope1964. I pray he comes clean too, I would like to save this marriage. I figure he will try to minimze, as you said it is human nature. But if he doesn't come clean or lies out his back side, then I know how it is. 


Can I ask how other people managed to get through this? Is counselling a must or is it a time thing. My coping right now is a bit wild.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Like I mentioned, I kicked him out. The minute I found out what he was up to, I made that decision. I spent a month being a basket case. I did IC, I purged my bedroom, I drank a bit of rum (ok, more than a bit) and felt sorry for myself, then hauled my large ass up and dusted myself off and went on with my life. When I realized I still loved him, and he was willing to chop off his arm and hand it to me on a silver platter, I decided to give it a go, so we started MC. Actually we were already in MC, I went because he really really wanted me to.


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

If your H seems willing to follow these steps once he gets out of his fog, you may be able to get away without the help of a MC.[/QUOTE]

I'm a little curious as to how long someone can be in "the fog" are they only in the fog before they ae caught or is it after? 
My wife had a 3 year affair with a former co-worker, is it possible to be in a fog for 3 years? I haven't posted my story yet because it's long and painful.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

CL, let us know what he says if you talked to him.

I probably would have installed a keylogger. I just would have wanted a lay of the land. In other words, is he on multiple sites, is he in direct contact with anyone. 

But you can always install a keylogger after confronting to see if his words match up with his actions. If you go this route--remember, never reveal your sources. It will just teach a cheater how to take it deeper underground.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Good Luck with the talk and confrontation. He will probably try to lie. Share very little about how you know what you know. Just show him the incriminating crap and ask him to explain it to you. And, be as cool-headed as you can. This is a tough situation. I hate to say it, but if he's saying he's single and is posted pics are as recent as a month ago and he is actively on these sites, then it is probably the case that it didn't just stay online or that his intention wasn't to keep it online. I'm glad you're not staying silent because silence means he keeps doing it and you don't deserve to be cheated on like that. Go get tested for STDs, too. You really never know.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

confusedlioness said:


> Can I ask how other people managed to get through this? Is counselling a must or is it a time thing. My coping right now is a bit wild.


I wouldn't let on so quickly thta you want to "save" this marriage. He needs to know there are real consequences for his cheating actions. If you just say "Oh hey I found you on dating sites but I want to save our marriage." you are basically giving him the golden key to the city of paradise. He needs to know you are NOT ok w/ what he did. At all.

Some people do use counselling, others don't. It's all up to the couple on how best to proceed. For me, I truly was able to forgive him and never bring it up again after it was made clear I was not down w/ that behavior at all and wouldn't tolerate it at all. As time went on though, there were other problems and he did cheat and then I found out about other sites. That was the end game. We divorced.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

completely_lost said:


> I'm a little curious as to how long someone can be in "the fog" are they only in the fog before they ae caught or is it after?
> My wife had a 3 year affair with a former co-worker, is it possible to be in a fog for 3 years? I haven't posted my story yet because it's long and painful.


That's not a "fog" anymore. That is intentionally leading a double life and betraying your marriage in a long-term affair. Those are not the same as a one-night stand or even an affair that lasts 1-3 months. By now, your wife is vested in the other relationship.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

completely_lost said:


> If your H seems willing to follow these steps once he gets out of his fog, you may be able to get away without the help of a MC.





> I'm a little curious as to how long someone can be in "the fog" are they only in the fog before they ae caught or is it after?
> My wife had a 3 year affair with a former co-worker, is it possible to be in a fog for 3 years? I haven't posted my story yet because it's long and painful.


My husband was in a 4.5 year emotional affair with a former co-worker. I agree with Jellybeans, the 'fog' is primarily the initial infatuation period.

Several posters have said recently, and I agree it's true in my case, that what is at play in some long-term affairs is that the partners weren't able to see each other very often. This maintains the bubble / fantasy level higher because more contact forces some reality to be injected.

The length of my husband's affair explains his ability to walk away after DD#2 without looking back. He was already out of the fog.

The fog isn't an excuse, it's an explanation for some of the more irrational behaviors of affairs.

Please post your story, I know it's painful but there's a reason you're around here.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

OMG, I am sorry to disagree, but if you confront him now you will live in complete misery.

He will lie. You can take that to the bank. He will minimize and say he was just "bored" or something. He will tell you that you are making a big deal out of nothing. He will make it seem like some kind of mistake, virus, accident, etc.

Then he will gaslight you.

If it is true, of course. Right now, he can say it was a virus and be off the hook forever. Maybe it was a virus, who knows? 

If you want to know FOR SURE what he is capable of? Then wait till you have more. If you don't ever want the truth and you are ready to divorce now? Then confront.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> OMG, I am sorry to disagree, but if you confront him now you will live in complete misery.
> 
> He will lie. You can take that to the bank. He will minimize and say he was just "bored" or something. He will tell you that you are making a big deal out of nothing. He will make it seem like some kind of mistake, virus, accident, etc.
> 
> ...


I have found more, by some good search skills of my own. I managed to find 3 different emails to 3 diffferent women. Saying he was single, did they want to meet for drinks, calling them terms of endearment. Apparently, one of the women he did meet when I was away for a drink. He has asked me to make my photos private on facebook, because he claims a young neice has found them. Yeah, I know! No one has to tell me. I am confronting very soon, getting some more things in order!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

confusedlioness said:


> I have found more, by some good search skills of my own. I managed to find 3 different emails to 3 diffferent women. Saying he was single, did they want to meet for drinks, calling them terms of endearment. Apparently, one of the women he did meet when I was away for a drink. He has asked me to make my photos private on facebook, because he claims a young neice has found them. Yeah, I know! No one has to tell me. I am confronting very soon, getting some more things in order!


Sadly that's how it all starts. But yes, you come first. Get things in order for yourself first. I do hope things work out for you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Some have suggested that you get more evidence. I would do that. You have found more. If you confront too soon he will go into deny mode. You may have enough right now. If you confront him, sit him down at the computer and have him log onto his accounts (all of them) and have him give you the PW's and account info. I suspect he has a secret or more than one secret email. Don't show your hand. (DON'T SHOW YOUR HAND). By this I mean don't tell him what you know and what you don't know. He will think you know more than you do. Say something like it is amazing what keyloggers record, every word, comma, deletion, etc. Now log onto your accounts for me sweety, because you are in trouble.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I would not mention a keylogger. Many people have never heard of them. Let it all be a mystery how you know anything.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I would not mention a keylogger. Many people have never heard of them. Let it all be a mystery how you know anything.


I agree. She may not get the answers she is looking for from her WS and might want to advance to the use of a keylogger without his knowledge. Tipping him off to HOW she arrived at her information is only helpful to HIM, not HER. She needs the advantage of not showing all of her cards....poker.


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## confusedlioness (May 26, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> I agree. She may not get the answers she is looking for from her WS and might want to advance to the use of a keylogger without his knowledge. Tipping him off to HOW she arrived at her information is only helpful to HIM, not HER. She needs the advantage of not showing all of her cards....poker.


Don't worry I have no intent to let him know all. He certainly didn't let me know everything! I will confront him but I think a more subtle but good technique is needed. I want to catch him in his lies and prevent the chance of him covering his tracks/making excuses.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

confusedlioness said:


> Don't worry I have no intent to let him know all. He certainly didn't let me know everything! I will confront him but I think a more subtle but good technique is needed. I want to catch him in his lies and prevent the chance of him covering his tracks/making excuses.


Obviously you are being very smart and handling this wisely. It would be to easy to let anger override your good judgment. I suspect he will lie to you at first. If so, you have the edge. If he does not, he will only confirm what you know. Either way, it's sad that it has to come to this point in your marriage, but better to deal with it than let it slide by you or allow him to believe he can walk all over you.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I'll say it one more time and than shut up about it. A good way to catch and bust him, if he's guilty, is to set up a decoy to respond to his site.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> I would not mention a keylogger. Many people have never heard of them. Let it all be a mystery how you know anything.


:iagree: You have a good head. Sorry you are going through this. It stinks when you are in investigation mode. You already know quite a bit. Just be sure to keep things together. There have been some here on TAM who don't wait. Hope you do not drive him underground further.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I'll say it one more time and than shut up about it. A good way to catch and bust him, if he's guilty, is to set up a decoy to respond to his site.


That is how I caught an ex bf who chose live web cams over me.

I setup a fake profile and just IM'd him out of the blue. It worked. Within 3 days he wanted to meet. 3 days!!!! After chatting with a complete stranger.....

Sick...and that is why he is an EX!!!!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I would not confront just yet.. It will be much harder for you to get more proof.. He will delete everything and leave nothing behind.. Once he knows you are on to him he will hide it even better.

If you believe that you have enough to go on, then confront.. I would write everything down so you don't forget anything.. Try to be as calm as possible.

If you need to put a keylogger on his computer. There are some really good ones out there for good price.. One of them is desktopshark. It will record everything. key strokes, screen shots, passwords..


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

If CL has enough evidence to convince her of the truth, why would it matter if he does deny it? (unless you subscribe to the following) 

Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it... - YouTube


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> If CL has enough evidence to convince her of the truth, why would it matter if he does deny it? (unless you subscribe to the following)
> 
> Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it... - YouTube


She knows the truth. She's just gauging as much of the full scope of the truth as she can before confronting. She knows that once she confronts he's going to cover his tracks and deny all that he can. This way she'll at least be a little bit ahead of him.

But you're absolutely right, she has enough evidence already.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Sounds like you have what you need now, so sorry you are going through this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Although it looks bad for C.L.'s husband and he may, and probably is, guilty as charged, I'd urge caution. I already mentioned I had someone register me for a bunch of X-rate sites. My friend's daughter signed his wife (her step mother) up on match dot com because they got a judgement against her (daughter) for a car loan they co-signed in her behalf. She also posted personal pictures of the step mom on a projectvoyeur dot com. There is still some possibility, although slim, its a setup. (and I'm a "glass is half empty" kind of guy)


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I'll say it one more time and than shut up about it. A good way to catch and bust him, if he's guilty, is to set up a decoy to respond to his site.


That sounds well and good in theory, however, unless one actually hires someone "for bait" to pose as a potential date, then it is difficult or impossible to fool the WS that the request is legitimate. In my situation, I have seen ads from my WS looking for dates. He requests a picture. Sure, I could grab some random picture off of the internet, but that might put some innocent person in jeopardy. Can't use a "friend" because he knows them all. That leaves hiring a stranger to pose as a potential date. 

Then the question becomes is it worth it? In my situation, his picture, his status of "separated" and the ads connection to his other email address leaves no doubt that it is his ad. The additional ads on Craigslist, that are from his location, the right age, just enough info to narrow him down, but no name, no pic (unless the "date" sends one first) may or may not be him. So, for me, it isn't worth it to hire someone to prove that the Craigslist ads are really him. I already have enough from other sites.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I'll say it one more time and than shut up about it. A good way to catch and bust him, if he's guilty, is to set up a decoy to respond to his site.


AKA The Pina Colada plan


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> That sounds well and good in theory, however, unless one actually hires someone "for bait" to pose as a potential date, then it is difficult or impossible to fool the WS that the request is legitimate.


Anybody going to take this route needs to hire a professional. Around here, you can get it done for $200 - $500 for a committed meeting. An actual "dinner/drinks" meeting would run another $200 -$500. However, for probably less than $1,000 the target could be caught red handed.


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