# Closure letter



## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Hey Gang, I need some advice. My husband has cheated and lied and we are in the process of divorce. I haven't spoken to him verbally in 3 1/2 months. There have been a few text here and there during that time but nothing of importance. I have composed about a 3 page letter laying out in detail the destruction he has caused to myself and our sons. The letter feels like a closure method for me but I am unsure if I should mail it. I'm not expecting the letter to have any impact as far as changes in our situation and I'm not looking for a response from him concerning the letter. As I stated, it feels like a closure letter for me but I need some advice as to whether I should mail it or just let it go. I really appreciate any and all advice from this forum.

Thanks!


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## hopeless11 (Feb 16, 2012)

I just wrote one myself and I am going to read it to her in person. Then I know she heard it. Only way to ensure it will be heard.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I don't want to see or hear my STBXH so my method would be regular US mail. I'm not going to email it, he can just find it in his mailbox. I'm thinking when all is signed and the divorce is final I will send a copy to his parents and siblings. I'm sure he has sold a bag of lies to them also. But the questions remains........should I do it or not?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

My suspicion is that closure is the last thing you'll get if you send that letter to him and to his family. You'll just start all kinds of he-said/she-said drama and stir things up all over again. It's far better to have written it all out, put it out there in a thought out manner and recognize it as just that--you getting it out of your head and telling your side of the story. 

If you feel like just writing it isn't enough, then I'd do something symbolic with the letter instead. Take it somewhere, tear it into a thousand tiny pieces and let it fly into the wind, put it in a bottle and send it off to sea, burn it up. Do something that is less about convincing someone else of something and more about helping you (symbolically at least) let go of the relationship.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It's over, no need to find any closure with a letter. Closure happened when they cheated on you, doors closed move on.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks for your response. I'm not really as concerned about sending it to his family as that may be a while before the divorce is final. Besides his family thinks he walks on water, they don't really know him because he left home 30 years ago. A visit every couple of years and a phone call per week doesn't let them know who he is. He protrays himself to them in a certain way and they don't know any different. I watched him do that for years. I really just want to send the letter to him. I don't think he will really care about what he has done but it would feel like closure to me that I expressed my feelings. After that he can use the letter to wipe his a$$ as far as I am concerned. I will wait for more advice and self reflection before I actually send the letter to him.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hold on to the letter and take your time to reflect. There is no hurry. Closure will come one way or another. How it comes is up to you.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Letting him know how much hurt he caused might make him feel even more powerful and in control. I don't think words have much impact on people who might not have listened to them in the first place, if you expressed concerns. 

You might want to save the letter to read at a later time. 
I wrote a lot of emails about hurt and all he did was show them to his coworkers and laugh about how much I wrote and how crazy I was. Of course, people like that do not explain the deceit and lying and crazy-making behavior, followed by running to the other side of the world to hide. :-o Just saying, be careful what you write. After you send it, it is HIS property to do with as he sees fit, even to publish it or to take words out of context to show to your friends, family, children... and if you have a new love in your life down the road, to him or her as well!


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

If you are "in the process of divorce" don't send it yet. As for sending it later, do you have a child or children together? If you don't, just live well and f'get about it. If you have a child together......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Those people that have stabbed you in the back rarely see where the fault was theirs and rarely take accountability for their actions.

The letter is a good way to vent and to let it out because it allows you to clarify your thoughts and to word it the right way for you to really understand what you felt and how evil he was to you.

Don't send it because you will not get him to take responsibility but use it to help you heal, use it as a release. Writting sometimes does it.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Write it all out then set it on fire in the yard. I really think this will give YOU the closure you are seeking. Sending it to him only serves to keep the wounds open as you will always wonder exactly what impact the letter had on him. 

Burn the letter and keep making yourself the best person you can be without him.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks all! I think you are all right. I'm not going to send it, it will be just a personal journal for me until the time comes that I don't need it. I'm so glad that I have all of you to bounce my thoughts off of.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You can hand it to him, after the judge grants your D.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Like you, LS, I will write a closure letter to STBXW when the appropriate time presents itself. I'm also keeping a compendium of damning evidence(photos, texts) that I might share with one or two of her family members to show them that the problem did not lie in me, but rather with her. I absolutely love her elderly mother to death, and I could never ever find it within myself to break that news to her; but I was thinking of sitting down with her brother, who I gained a very close friendship with.

Any letter that I end up writing to her, would be dispatched solely after the ink has fully dried on the divorce decree!


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

You'll never get closure by doing stuff like this. Once you get to a point where you don't ate what he thinks then you'll have closure.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

^
Care not ate


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

dingerdad said:


> You'll never get closure by doing stuff like this. Once you get to a point where you don't ate what he thinks then you'll have closure.


In my particular case, I just feel that certain members of her family need to know who is at fault, and who to richly assign the blame to! That's all!

There's no telling what stories that she's telling her family about me. But the one about her own infidelity, I'm quite certain, is certainly not one of them!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

A closure method needs only one thing. Did you get what you needed out of it without mailing it? If so, there is no reason to mail it. You're already in a process of divorce, so nothing good is supposed to come out of it. At least that's my opinion.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I haven't sent my letter and probably never will. I had considered it at the time of my original post but I don't think about it much anymore.


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