# A little late for that (vent)



## jeep31 (May 13, 2015)

My plan was to put away money so I have a little cushion, but he says he can't live like this (doing the 180). These are words coming from his mouth. "I need to either go or put forth an effort to save the marriage. He can't focus on work because he is so worried about his family. I NEED to be mature and fight for my family. I NEED as a homemaker to send my husband out in a good space so he can do his best. How can I throw away the good years. 

Look at the bigger picture he says. Fight so your daughter can have a family. He was depressed, extremely stressed and needed an outlet. Not one ounce of being truly remorseful.

OAN I found out he met one of the ladies at the mall. She worked at a store where he bought me a gift for Mother's Day. Unbelievable!


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Little background please?
I assume he cheated, you are doing the 180 and he is asking you to come back to him?

The 180 is something that needs to be respected. You can't half do it and you can't fake it. The decision to do the 180 is only effective when you have a clear intent to actually leave your husband. That means really doing it. Packing your stuff, looking at new homes, divorce papers, the whole lot. 

It is not something to be used to directly change the behaviour of your partner when you didn't ever intend to really leave him. Behaviour modification is only a by-product that can be good or bad. I am speculating here with a lack of information, but perhaps he senses that you are playing games with him and have no intent to really leave. if so, it would only serve to piss him off rather than trigger self true self reflection.

If your position is that you still hope things to get better and live with him, and want to put in the effort, then I would say that MC is far more likely to have a better outcome. Certainly initially, and certainly if it wasn't something major.

Before I speculate further, more details please.


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## jeep31 (May 13, 2015)

Sorry I didn't elaborate (it's in another thread) but long story short. I have only been married a little of two years and he has had 3 affairs and 1 while we were dating. Being completely weak minded, I told him I forgave him. We have had two arguments recently because of my lack of affection, he tells me that is why he does what does. 

I have told him I want out but he is refusing to accept that it's over. He doesn't even want me in the house if we are not going to be together. Maybe it's my fault for trying to put myself in a better financial situation before leaving. Perhaps I should just leave.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Jeep, you've got a total of 11 posts, but three separate threads. It would be easier to follow your story, and help you, if you just stuck to one thread.


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## jeep31 (May 13, 2015)

Ok..I see...new at this...no more new threads...


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

jeep31 said:


> Ok..I see...new at this...no more new threads...


Not a problem, hun. Just offering well meant advice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LOL...

Three affairs in less than three years of marriage and another while dating...

WHEN WERE THE GOOD YEARS?!?

:lol: :rofl:


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> LOL...
> 
> Three affairs in less than three years of marriage and another while dating...
> 
> ...


Easy there tiger. She's new and hasn't had a chance to understand our...coping mechanisms on TAM yet. Be nice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DayOne said:


> Easy there tiger. She's new and hasn't had a chance to understand our...coping mechanisms on TAM yet. Be nice.



To be fair, that's my response to her husband's "good years" comment. It was in no way meant as a 2x4 for OP.

@jeep31, if you took that comment as such, I sincerely apologize.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> To be fair, that's my response to her husband's "good years" comment. It was in no way meant as a 2x4 for OP.
> @jeep31, if you took that comment as such, I sincerely apologize.


Just looking at it from a noobie point of view. (and she probably doesn't know what a 2x4 is. Yet...)


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Let me see if I understand this correctly. He cheated on you 3 X within 2 years, and want you to forgive him. At the same time, he is not remorseful, and looks like he want to continue his old ways. Did I get it right? If yes, he is a lost cause. What he is, is a cake eater. I would say, start talking to the lawyer, and continue with 180. Save as much as you can, and then RUN from this marriage.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

jeep31

From what you have posted I find your husband to be a serial cheater and manipulative. I think you can find someone much better. In my opinion the writing is on the wall, three years married and three affairs. I'm going to go out on a limb here but has he said he's changed now? He only loves you? He deserves another chance? You shouldn't break up the family? She meant nothing to me? You made me do this? How can act like you have no emotions? 

If he has said just two of those questions I'd run. I find it hard to believe he is remorseful, let alone regretful. Is he sorry, I find that hard to believe also. I would divorce if I were in your shoes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Your husband is selfish, entitled and unrepentant. His behaviour thus far (four instances of unfaithfulness _that you know of_) is a preview of your future life together. By forgiving him for his behaviour, you have taught him that he can treat you this way with no reprecussions or consequences.

He is controlling, manipulative and narcissistic: examples include him blaming you for his behaviour (blame-shifting), having you give up your independence and isolating you from your support system (friends and family) so that you are relient on him and easier to manage.

His narcissistic nature won't allow him to just let you go. He'll try to manipulate, guilt or deceive you in order to keep you. His having to fight for you will also make him vindictive towards you and he'll end up punishing you for it, probably with another affair.

You need to be independent off him. Focus on your own well-being and work on yourself to be more self-assured, confident and independent. The 180 is for you so continue it but you shouldn't be with him. Divorce is long overdue.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

jeep31 said:


> Sorry I didn't elaborate (it's in another thread) but long story short. I have only been * married a little of two years and he has had 3 affairs and 1 while we were dating*. Being completely weak minded, I told him I forgave him. We have had two arguments recently because of my lack of affection, he tells me that is why he does what does.
> 
> I have told him I want out but he is refusing to accept that it's over. He doesn't even want me in the house if we are not going to be together. *Maybe it's my fault for trying to put myself in a better financial situation before leaving. * Perhaps I should just leave.


God damn wtf is his problem. 4 affairs wtf no respect there and 2 years wtf?

*DO NOT Leave the House!*. I repeat do not leave the till the divorce is finalized. Its a ploy. ]*If you leave the house first the court might Deny you Alimony and you'll be paying child support instead of him.*

You have every RIGHT to say in the house for financial stability. If he doesn't want you around have him leave.

You its very much over! totally no respect.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jeep31 said:


> Ok..I see...new at this...no more new threads...




Don't worry! It's just that a lot of the people on TAM are men and we can easily get distrac... Wow, look! A squirrel! 

Our brains do not have much capacity for multitasking. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Don't worry! It's just that a lot of the people on TAM are men and we can easily get distrac... Wow, look! A squirrel!
> 
> Our brains do not have much capacity for multitasking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I for one disagree and as a man find this insulting. I mean, you can't honestly think that... uhm, think uhhh..

EEEEEEEEEEEEEKK!!!! That's so AWEsome! Those two cats in your profile image are so cuuuuute..

.. dance little kitties:grin2:.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Locke.Stratos said:


> I for one disagree and as a man find this insulting. I mean, you can't honestly think that... uhm, think uhhh..
> 
> EEEEEEEEEEEEEKK!!!! That's so AWEsome! Those two cats in your profile image are so cuuuuute..
> 
> .. dance little kitties:grin2:.


Thanks!

They remind me of a dear little cat I had. They remind me of her. Mind you, though she was dear she was huge (very long) and weighed near 20 pounds at one point.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

People suck. So do cats.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

jeep31 said:


> We have had two arguments recently because of my lack of affection, he tells me that is why he does what does.
> 
> He doesn't even want me in the house if we are not going to be together. Maybe it's my fault for trying to put myself in a better financial situation before leaving. Perhaps I should just leave.


Sorry you are in this position. I think that most relationships can be fixed, if both parties work to fix the problems. However, this is based on the fact that the offending party is contrite. According to your paragraph above, he is shifting the blame of him cheating on you. You can make things right unless you admit you did wrong and he has not done that here. 

You are way too nice of a person. It does not matter what he wants at this point, you need to do what is best for you. If living with you is too hard, he can walk out the door, just like you can. I have to agree with Gus, when were the good times? The only thing worse getting a divorce now, is taking him back and doing it in a year or two. This Leopard ain't changing no spots, time to cut your losses.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> People suck. So do cats.


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## itbeme (May 2, 2015)

From what I understand about the 180 is to help you to, rebuild yourself confidence and to revamp(rewire) your thought process, to make you a stronger you. Do Not tell him what you are doing just do it! At first it is pretend as time goes on (doesn't take long) you feel better about decisions you are making and not worrying bout the small stuff(how he feels about it). Girl take up for yourself you deserve much more than he will ever give you.:smile2:


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

eastsouth2000 said:


> God damn wtf is his problem. 4 affairs wtf no respect there and 2 years wtf?
> 
> *DO NOT Leave the House!*. I repeat do not leave the till the divorce is finalized. Its a ploy. ]*If you leave the house first the court might Deny you Alimony and you'll be paying child support instead of him.*
> 
> ...



Call a lawyer for legal advice of course. But this may be correct. Why should YOU leave? He is the one sticking his tally whacker everywhere imaginable. Not you. Tell him if he cannot live with you, then hit the road Jack. Buh bye!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Froggi said:


> Call a lawyer for legal advice of course. But this may be correct. Why should YOU leave? He is the one sticking his tally whacker everywhere imaginable. Not you. Tell him if he cannot live with you, then hit the road Jack. Buh bye!


TallyWacker?


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