# Mother in law trouble



## Moby_Medic (Apr 28, 2009)

Here is the story so far. My wife and I moved in with her mom a little under a year ago. Thankfully it wasn't that we couldn't support ourselves. We have been married six years and out of five of those we lived in an apartment and manged to get by. We made the decision to move in with her mom when we decided it was time to buy a house. Unfortunately between rent and bills we couldn't save much for a down payment. So her mother offered for us to stay with her as we put some money away and payed down debt. (Most of which was from my wife before our marriage.) She has allowed us to essentially stay rent free. We paid for food and other incidentals as they came up. 

Now my mother in law is honestly one of the best. She has treated me better than my own parents and I would do almost anything for her.

My wife wants to move her mother with us. One of the reasons is because her mom is underwater financially with her own home. Not through any fault of her own she just happened to buy just before house prices plummeted. As such she can't afford to make the needed repairs to the house. Though it hasn't been said the other reason I'm assuming is because my wife feels like she owes her mom. I agree all the way that we do owe her mom an amazing debt. She's allowed us to stay with her for nothing and even payed for our small wedding six years ago. She also gave my wife a check for 2,000 dollars. When she found out that we where close to our savings goal and that we would be looking for a place for her in our new home. She said something along the lines of "When I stop paying the mortgage the banks just going to take it anyway." That was her reasoning for giving the money to us.

We started our search looking for a place that had mother in law suite. The few that are in our price range just will not work. So we switched gears and started looking for a place that had enough square footage for everyone to be comfortable. Also hard to find but more doable. 

The issue at hand is that as much as I love her mother I don't want to have share a house with her. There are a few reasons why I feel this way. 

First I feel like it could and is affecting our marriage. While me and my wife have never been the yelling and screaming at each other types. She can get really emotional at times. When we have an argument over something she tends to get very upset and lock herself in the bathroom or the bedroom. I have been trying my best to not do or say anything that would make her upset for that reason. I don't want her mom to see us fighting or see either of us upset at the other. I've never been great at talking to my wife about non-trivial things (money, division of housework or lack of, ect.) Because when I do it's usually after I've been stewing about it enough to be a little mad. So she gets upset and defensive. I was doing better till we moved in and now I've been sliding back to not talking to her before I get upset if at all.

Second I feel like a teenager living in moms basement. My mother in law constantly wants to help us out. She helps do our laundry even folding it and putting it on our bed. Cleaning up after the cats even though two out of the three are ours. Doing our dishes insisting that since I cooked she should clean. Helping out with our house work. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful for the help. The problem is my wife. When we lived alone I did everything around the house. You name name it I did it. I didn't mind at first. I work a 24 hour on 48 hour off schedule so I was off 20 days out of the month. Plenty of time for me to do the house work. After four years of playing maid I was getting a little upset at doing all the work. I tried to get her to understand and she did. She was helping out here and there not as much as I would have liked but getting better. Then we moved in and then enters her mom in to the picture. More than happy to help out and do things around the house. I'm guessing you can see why she didn't have much of an issue with me doing all the work at the apartment. 

Third thing. As I said above it's been a very hard search to find a place that meets our needs. If it was just the two of us there's plenty to choose from. I just feel like it shouldn't be this way for our first house. We should be able to get what we want not move into a two bed room one bathroom cottage because there's a another smaller cottage for her mom. 

Lastly even though we have yet to have children we would like to. (Another long winded post that I have yet to post) As much as I would love for her mom to be in our child's life but I want to raise them. Lets just say that I don't fully agree with some of her moms parenting ideas. I'm just worried that my wife would side with her mom when it comes to certain ideals instead of us actually discussing the matter as parents. Plus with her living there I'd be concerned that it would essentially be three parents instead of two and grandma.

So there you have it. How do I discuss this with my wife? As far as my mother in law what do we tell her? I don't want to put her out on the street but I'm not ready for her to live full time with us. If there was some major issue and she had to be either in a nursing home/assisted living or with us I'd take her in with out a second thought. But she's not at that point. I also don't want to resent my wife or mother in law because of all this.

Sorry for the long post. I guess didn't realize that this bothered me so much. Thanks for any help you can give and for the chance to just rant.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Can I trade your mil for my fil? I could use someone friendly and helps around the house. That would be great because then I could actually go work outside the house. Not that I don't like being home all day working on a computer but there are times that I just need to be around people or I lose creativity. My fil doesn't live with us but even then, he still has something to complain about, about me, husband, and our kids. Kinda sad I think.

Anyway, if you really don't want your mil to live with you, you just have to bring it up to your wife. If you lie or hide behind excuses, it will show itself later on. Just be honest and say the stuff you said here.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't care if my mil was a saint. She isn't moving in with me. Only room for one woman in my house and that's me.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Yeah, it really doesn't matter how wonderful your MIL is. I wouldn't feel comfortable with another adult permanently living in my house. That's just me. I'm an introvert and my home is my sanctuary. Having someone else there, even a great person, is going to make me uncomfortable over time.

It's your house. You should be able to get what you want and enjoy it alone with your wife and (eventually) your children.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like you just have to have a 'real' talk with both of them and just be honest that it's not what you want. Then see what happens. If she picks her mom over you, at least you'll know now.


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