# Stuck...unable to decide



## Ladybutterfly (May 21, 2012)

Married for 12 years, two kids, school age. I am a SAHM. My H is carrer military. We have been in MC for 2months, I have been in IC for 3months. I have been unhappy for about 5 years. Considered not making the last move with him 2plus years ago. The kids were little and I was scared to be on my own, going back to work, ect. So I really tried hard to be a good wife, make it work. I stuffed all my feelings down. It only served to cause me detach from him, caused him to be angrier. We started fighting a lot. He yelled and threatened to leave me during every fight. I pulled away more emotionally. I read relationship books and attempted fix it myself. He began talking about our next move and I started to panic, I like my current life, we have a great house and I have friends, kids are happy. The thought of moving again and starting over with him, I didn't want to be with him, I figured I didn't have anything to loose. I let it all out. Told him I didn't love him and how he was hurting me with all the times he dismissed my feeling. Told him I was still hurt by his EA ten years ago..ect. He told me, my feeling were BS... I was wrong ... And ungrateful. He began getting angry withme about every little thing...yelling at me in front of kids.. Slamming things and throwing things during arguments. I told him I was scared of him...that really sunk in for the first time. He agreeded to counseling.. Made some changes, stopped getting angry and yelling. The problem is that still don't have any feeling for him... I am numb.. And I don't trust that he won't get angry again. Last week in therapy. I told him I am done and wanted to take the kids and leave this summer. He cried and begged me to give it more time. I felt really bad, guilty...I began to doubt myself. The therapist said I have to decide what I want to do before we can come back.
I don't know if I can love him again, I have no sexual or romantic feeling for him. I dont want to go back to couseling and just string him along. He deserves to be with someone who loves him. I feel like I have this ticking clock as summer is coming and it is a good time to move, our lease is up in August and the kids start new school this year anyway. But I also feel like maybe I didn't try hard enough...maybe I didn't do everything I could. Divorce is so awful to think about.... So hard on the kids.. I also worry I will never be happy with my husband..
Any advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Damn, honey, just how hard are you supposed to try?

Try to separate the marital decision from a move -- all the pressure is coming from your desire to move before school starts again in August, right? So, you can separate and still be in the same town, with kids in the same school. Don't put more pressure on yourself than you need to. The move and the separation are two different decisions. Even if he has to leave this summer for a deployment or reassignment, you don't necessarily have to move.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Agree with lamaga

I think you've put up with quite a bit. You need to ask yourself if you'd be better off with him or without him. I think you already know the answer to that question....


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

This sounds so fimilar to a mid-life walk away scenerio. In most cases the bad feelings that are held in and not worked through become resentment. Resentment is the worst thing for a marriage.

But the Divorce is worse! So many will encourage moving on to a better life when what got you to this point would be the same thing in the next relationship. Studies show most are not happier after divorce and those who work through it are more likely to be happier 5 years later.

You need to learn how to work through those feelings and forgive. Forgiveness is the great cure for resentment and only the one holding it in can fix that.

I am a true believer in marriage and the fact that there are many stages of a marriage. If you can work through this stage with the goal of a better marriage, you can get it. It takes one to start the ball rolling in the right direction.

I wish you and your family well!


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## annec72 (May 23, 2012)

I just found this site yesterday and i'm a new member as of 20 minutes ago. I am so sorry you are going thru this. 
Our situations are very similar. 
Marriage is difficult and children make every decision that much harder. I don't have any advice but wish you well and happy moments for you and your family.


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