# Is this the end??



## oh the rocks (Jun 18, 2008)

Hello all, another new member here! I've been reading through the posts and decided to tell my story:

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we have one son that is 5. Things have not been good lately and I'm not sure what to do. When my wife and I first got married, everything was lovey-dovey, we went out all the time, sex everynight, showers together, etc.. and things were good. Then about 4 years later, things started to slowly change. Sex was reduced to about once a week and when we did, she would say "get it over with", we stopped 'making out' and she wasn't really paying attention to me. She would get home from work and dash right for the mail on the counter without a hello to me or a simple kiss. I did ask her about this and she said that it was because she was working long hours (she was) and was tired and I accepted the answer.

Then it came to the time where she decided to get pregnant. We talked about it and agreed to have a child. Then she wanted sex all the time to get pregnant. Once she was, the sex again dwindled. I was more afraid I think of hurting the baby!

Anyway our son was born in 2003 and I stayed home with him because I was unemployed at the time. I ended up getting a job at this crappy company. My wife started paying all of her attention to the baby and not to me our our dog. I understand that a baby needs lots of care, which I did provide, but I tried to make time for my wife and our dog. I started to get lonely. While working at this job, I got involved with another woman. She approached me and we started talking, then we started to take breaks together. Without going into a lot of detail, we started going out and I was sneaking around. I did not sleep with this woman, but it was bad enough. I was also ready to leave my wife, that's how bad it got. 

I was in a very bad place in my life and knew deep down that this was wrong, but I couldn't get out of it. I finally did and felt so much better. I also left that company as well and now have a fantastic job with good people.

Fast forward to 2007. Things have gotten much worse, in the course of 2 months, my wife lost her mother, sister and grand mother. She flew to Colombia (where she is from) to attend the funerals. My wife does not get along with her father and is currently in a property battle with him. She has become more distant, not telling me what's going on. She had an appointment with a lawyer and I asked if she wanted me to go for support and she said 'no thank you', I don't need anyone with me. This happend a few more times where I asked her if she wanted me to take a day off and go with her and she would either say, don't waste a vacation day or you don't have any time to take.
Everytime she would go, she would get her hair cut (at least once a week) which was very unusual, because normally she would go about once a month. When I asked her if I could go with her there, again she said 'no thank you'.

It seems that systematically she is taking things away from me: we don't hold hands anymore, when she hugs me, she just kind of pats me on the back with her hands, kisses (when I do get one) is a closed lip quick peck. She never says good night before we go to sleep. We don't say goodbye in the morning to each other. She will say that I'm moody and I wonder why! I try to talk to her about how I feel and she will just roll her eyes or make busy doing something so I don't have her full attention.

Sorry, almost done! Something happend the other day that really set me off. I was at my moms house cutting the grass. My wife came from work and met me at my moms house. She arrived with the usual no hello or kiss. She then took our son to the store and said she would see me at home. 

No kiss goodbye again as usual. I had finished the grass and went to get something to eat. My wife called and asked where I was going to eat, but said that she wasn’t hungry. I was eating my dinner and she called again and said that she would be there shortly. She came into the restaurant, no hello as usual and no kiss and then she said that she had to give our son a bath and color her hair. 

She had colored her hair and was ready to take a shower to wash it. I got ready to jump in the shower with her as I normally did, then she said in a nasty voice: DO YOU MIND? I would like some privacy while taking a shower! Shortly after I tried to ask her about it and she rolled her eyes as she usually does whenever I try to talk about our relationship. I said to her that it never bothered you before when you washing her hair and I jumped in the shower. She then said that she doesn’t want that anymore. 

Now yesterday, I called her at work for something and she said to me in a nasty tone "why did you call here on Thursday?" (she was off that day). I told her that I didn't know that she was off because she didn't tell me. She then said that I could get her in trouble, so I asked why if they know that you're off? She didn't answer that. She then said to me this morning, "make sure you call work to see that I got there early!" in a smart ass tone. I honestly think she's hiding something. She is now off at least one day a week for no reason other than the fact that so she doesn't have too many hours at work, which never used to be the case. It's never the same day and she always goes somewhere, to the lawyer, get her haircut, out with a friend. 

I don't know what to do. I think that I'm more afraid of being alone and not being with my son, than leaving her. She will NOT go to counseling as she has made this very clear. I'm sorry for the length of this, but this has been going on for a very long time.

Thank you.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

coming from a woman point of view. i think there is something going on. but you also need to trust your instincts.
ok some relationships fizzle out. 
i actually know someone that when there child was ( concieved) not born , they have not had sex since and they are a young couple. i can honestly tell u i dont know about there relationship, but they are together and there is no one else. 
But its your wifes actions that seem to be the key here, not telling you the truth or with holding information. 
but then does she simply not want to be around you any more?
i think you have to talk about that.
having the day of a week and u dont know about it, always doing something. is she having an affair.
i know it sounds awful, but sometimes to put your mind at rest, follow her. 
just a gentle push to help - when you were sneaking around with this woman , although u did nothin, you felt good, a talking companion, did u smarten yourself up a little ? prob yes
your wife is now doing the sneaking around. i go to my hairdressers every 5 weeks. her changes of times, days of, appts, to me a woman are unreasonable.
i admit i spruce myself up more when i go out to feel good. but its the places and to me there is dishonesty.


----------



## oh the rocks (Jun 18, 2008)

Justean, thanks for the response. I also forgot to add a few things. My wife is ALWAYS on her cell phone and is talking spanish. I have no idea who she is talking to, other than her telling me. She often will go to other rooms while on the phone. For example, we'll be having dinner, her phone rings and she starts talking away. I told her that it bothers me that she does this, and she shoots me a look like I'm the one who's wrong! 
During one of our talks, she said to me flat out, I don't need you or anyone, I can raise my child by myself! Then I said, "what am I here for then, to pay the rent??" 

It's very strange, we'll be ok for a couple of days and then it goes back to the same bull. It almost seems that she wants to start something, as I mentioned about calling her at work. She also dresses really nice when she goes out, but when with me, she just puts on 'whatever'. I ask her if she's happy and she told me yes. If she's really not happy, why does she stay?


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

she stays because its easier at the moments.
before n e one leaves a home for any reason, they have to feel its right.
bills are paid at home. child looked after. 
home life is real and fantasy life is fun.my hubby and i split, we live in same house. 
but i went out on a date with a bloke , met him twice ( lives to far away).
but the txt sex and fantasy life was fun.
my hubby and i split for his one night stand. 
but he moved back in after a holiday , easier. 
we alternated the settee and bed. 
but for our situation , i felt like i was sneaking around, phone calls,txts.
but i said exactly wht your wife said to my hubby,
stay away from me. i dont need you. i can cope on my own. 
i said all that because i had the confidence to say it. 
thats why i think there someone else.
but i realised that i dont want that , even though innocent. 
i dont want n e .thing of n e one else.


----------



## oh the rocks (Jun 18, 2008)

Justean- thanks again. I wish that I knew what to do. Should I end it? ( I really don't want to because I want us to be a happy family) but at the same time, I don't want to live with someone who doesn't want to be with me and won't do anything to make things better. I've asked her many times, are you happy in this relationship? are you happy with me? do you love me? she always answers yes to these questions. I think that it will come down to me saying to her- you have 2 choices here, to really and honestly work on fixing the marriage or throw in the towel. If she truly means that she doesn't need me, then why won't she end it?


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Are you sure that you know what the problem is?

If you always ask her these questions and she says yes she loves you etc. then maybe the problem is in the way you communicate with each other.

Not everyone is as good at empathy.

draconis


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

i dont think you should throw the towel in just yet.
this is gonna take time and effort. 
you obviously love her , you should try on the fixing the marriage with her consent.
i think you need to put down some ground rules, they dont do ppl no harm. in fact i used to be on the phone for hours ( to a girlfriend)
ok at time hubby got really fed up but i would speak for hrs and in to early am. one day we had a chat and he said we dont spend enough time together , i thought about it. and to be honest he was right. until the nxt issue came up in our relationship. because there wil always be a next issue. 
maybe you could try this tactic. spend time with her. 
if she answers yes to your questions as you say she is, then you have to look into that to. she isnt saying no. 
that says alot. when i dont love my hubby - i tell him that or i go silent. 
i mention divorce to my hubby - he cant end it, nor can i. its like a i cant live with you and i cannot live without you and she is probably the same. 
try not asking so many questions. 
why not try a meal. flowers.hotel.
try touching her again. 
if i am to much, please say. 
you sound like me with the questions, because you want to feel secure. who doesnt?
but you have to change yourself that way, or u wil drive yourself up the wall. 
this is simply how i did it. stop asking those questions. 
i know that my husband loves me. you know your wife loves you. 
so just do simple conversations . how was your day etc. 
bak of a little and she might react. they soon notice then.
dress nice , shave and nice deodorant and aftershave. i go for that everytime.


----------



## oh the rocks (Jun 18, 2008)

Draconis and justean, thank you both for responding. We did talk last night and it seems that she blames me for the way that she feels. Some examples are: I don't seem to care about her or our son. An example of this would be: she came home from work one night and asked me what I wanted for dinner, but then said she wasn't hungry. I said that I wanted to go out and get something but she said that she didn't want to go, so I just left. She brought this up last night and said "you could have asked me if I wanted you to bring me back something!" even after I asked her 3 times, "are you sure you don't want anything?"

Another thing she said is that I need to get friends to go out with once in a while and someone to talk to. Here's how I feel about that- I had friends before I was married and lost touch with them. ( I thought that when you got married, you wanted to spend time together, silly me!) I also said to her, considering what happend in the past (the other woman) you would want me home! I did tell her that I didn't like her going out 3-4 times a week and since stopped, but she insists that she is doing nothing wrong and has the attitude that "i'll go out whenever I want"

Her and I both have our faults, and she seems to be blaming me for how she feels and I also told her that this has been going on for a LONG time. I also said that if something was bothering you, why did you wait until everything piled up?

So that's where I'm at now. I've read what you suggested as far as the dinner and flowers (should be ok), hotel and touching I think is out of the question.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Only she can be responcible for how she feels. Most often people become a self fulfilling prophesy. 

On to the dinner thing. I would say that you both (specially her) needs to learn how to communicate better. She heard you but wasn't listening and was upset because you were not a mind reader. On the other hand my wife has said the same to me in the past and I have gotten her a piece of pie etc for later. She loved that I thought of her and was thankful for it.

draconis


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

blaming it all on u is just an excuse. she sounds quite independent and head strong. but the dinner discussion you had with her , to me is just mind games.
maybe just reiterate the fact she is wanted and loved. but rome wasnt built in a day. 
tell her you still find her attractive etc.
i mean ok, a relationship needs two ppl in it. 
but i think you wil tell yourself you have had enough.
why dont you consider a break. can u do that? and no it does not mean the end. 
my hubby and i have done that on a number of occasions for many reasons. 
do you still sleep in the same bed?
if im to personal then tell me and i wil back of.
but if your in the same bed. stroke her hair. massage . take opportunistic moments. ask her for a hug. check out her reaction.
i have the same overture with my hubby, do what i like. but after a while of partying every weekend, i going back to my routine, just go out now and again. 
as for friends, when my hubby did what he did. i dont have friends, i have a good mate. i dont trust friends. but thats my opinion.
my brother is single and asked me to go out with him, why dont u try and go out with a family member. 
i really had fun with my bro and its wasnt about blokes. i just needed to not be at home. because i had to get out. 
i probably did it, to make him realise can he wasnt my control. especially after what he had done.but the respect was not in the relationship either. 
were both learning to respect again, not an intentional thought. but because i want a calm house. we talk again . our children are well.
i hope n e of this helps.


----------

