# My life as I know it is over....



## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

Well my worst fears are now realized. If you want to know my story you can start by reading my original thread here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/8227-please-i-need-some-help-wife-checking-out.html Anyway....the w and I had our 2nd mc session today. Therapist asked who wanted to start and my w said she would. She proceeded to say that she was here to make things go smoothly...she admitted to having an EA with someone for a while now but insists that isnt' the reason she is doing all this.....she has talked with a lawyer and has started putting values on stuff and if we can agree on splitting stuff up it will be a lot cheaper...needless to say I was stunned....basically turned into a blubbering idiot....w said I could stay and talk with the therapist and to take as many sessions as I needed. She was sorry she was putting me through this but it's been a long time coming....i don't know what to do...i am a wreck....worried sick about how this is going to affect my little girls and how much I am going to miss out on in the upcoming years. I guess I should have known this was all coming but I don't think you can ever be prepared for it. 17 years down the tubes and w isn't willing to try and talk with me at all. I have been a good husband/father in every aspect with the exception of not being in tune with her feelings.....I feel about as low as I think is humanly possible. Sometimes I don't think life is worth living...


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

You are hurting. You are devastated. You are in the midst of grief. Give her space. No contact. I know that seems like the opposite of what you want. But right now, you need to concentrate on yourself- for yourself and your girls.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

We are living in the same house so it's hard to do. We still need to do things for the girls and that's pretty much how it's been for at least the last month. We are cordial to one another and that's about it. I have no where to go and don't want to go anywhere and miss out on the time with my girls.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Why doesn't she move out and you keep the children? She's the one who wants to leave the marriage. She knows where the door is.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

That's a good question. If i asked her to do that she would have a complete fit and it wouldn't be good for the kids. I know they need their mom...they miss her when she is gone for one day when she is out of town for work. This is going to suck any way you look at it. I'm probably going about this all wrong...until a couple hours ago I was busting my ass trying to keep us together....now it seems it doesn't matter what i do


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Ideally yes, your children need mom and dad. But children do not need to live in a tension-filled home either. Believe me, you may not realize it, but they can pick up on the vibes. It's not healthy for any of you.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

We are trying to keep everything as normal as possible for the girls. I am just dreading having to talk to my 6 year old and how and what we are going to tell her I have no idea?! The counselor said there is no reason to rush...I need to take some time to absorb all this. I know it's inevitable now but I do not want to accept it. The w wants us to sit down and go over everything and try and work it out ourselves. Save as much money as possible since we are in debt up to our eyeballs....I have no idea how all that is going to work? I still love my w more than anything and would still welcome her back if she was willing to work on us. I don't know if I will ever be able to accept this? I haven't cried this much in my entire life....everything just sets me off. I am trying to keep myself distracted but it's not easy....


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Don't you think the girls need you, too? She's the offending party. 

I'm starting to get irritated at the attitude of fathers around here. They not only assume, but actually seem to not want their children, or else I'd see more effort made to keep them. With a few exceptions, men see their wives walk all over them, replace them with a new guy, and then willingly hand over the children to them. Oh, and then whine about the kids.

I'm not trying to pick on you but this is ridiculous. Maybe if men stood up for themselves and their children women wouldn't automatically assume that they get to keep everything when they decide to replace their husbands.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

So sorry... I know how it feels! It's like you showed up to the game and the buzz rang! Too late..you don't get to try. 

She has been thinking and working things out in her mind for awhile.

It will take you some time to figure it out..in your mind. You'll need to catch up. Ask her to give you some time to process instead of jumping in.

It's great that you want the kids with both parents. I agree with Dobo in this respect. If she leaves the girls still have their mom whereever she chooses to stay. It's not like you are keeping her from them.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I just really feel for you
you have shock and pain and confusion.
She is 'ahead' of you ...or just in a very different place. 
These times are so difficult to get through and we feel so hopeless.
What everyone here is trying to say to you though is try to be aware of when you are making your decisions try not to 'automically ' defer to her persepctive/her needs...in place of your own...
This is extremely tricky and requires 'retraining' if you are anything like me -
you will get through - give those girls a hug


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

_try not to 'automically ' defer to her persepctive/her needs...in place of your own..._

Exactly!!


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Stay where you are and get her out of the house! DO NOT LEAVE THE MARITAL HOME! Lawyer up now and hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Then go to dads divorce and read "the list". It will help you prepare for what is to come. Sorry your going through this, just be superdad to your kids right now, they need it.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

Updates....I followed your advice Sirch and got the list...started making a file...anyway I am working and extra job at night and I left my folder out in the basement where I sleep...for those of you who know the list it's pretty much to the point...well the w looked it over and apparently freaked out...she assumed I was going to close everything down and lock her out so she went ahead and tried to switch a credit card over to her name...they wouldn't so she closed it so she could open another in her name....I confronted her about it and told her she was ruining both her credit and mine...told her that I am not going to attack her or try and blindside her but if she continues to shut me out and not talk to me and do things behind my back I will get nasty....I know I know...you guys are going to say just do it...take control....kick her out etc....but I just can't bring myself to that point yet....she wants to work everything out between us and truthfully I am still holding out hope that we can come together as a couple again.....

Second update is more of a question....after the credit card incident I asked her who the other guy was...I was going to find out eventually and just kept after her until she admitted it. It was who I suspected....he's married and has kids.....she said that he has been planning to divorce her for 2 yrs....I told her do you know how stupid that sounds? Anyway....I am considering calling his wife and clueing her in if she doesn't already know. I'd like to contact him but probably shouldn't. Ask him what kind of person goes after a married woman? 

I hate this and don't know what to do


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

You screwed up! Her seeing that was a huge mistake and blow to you plan. Join the forum over there and ask questions on how to proceed from here. I am sure they can help.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

So my question now is...since I know who the OM is. Should i call or text him and let him know that I think he's a real a ss for messing around with a married woman with kids? I know it probably won't make any difference but it would make me feel better. I have also considered calling his wife and clueing her in on the whole scenario. I am sure she has no idea since he has been going to divorce her for 2 years now! Give me a break!


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

No don't go out for revenge right now. Keep cool and follow the list, there will be enough time for I told you so later. Right now you are in a battle and must do things that are productive for you. Have you put this up for discussion at dadsdivorce?


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

No I haven't yet. I will. I just can't get past this point. I guess I don't want to admit that it is probably over....not there yet. I would love to just have my family back the way it was before. I am not a vengeful person and I suppose trying to reason with someone who is knowingly doing these destructive things is all for nothing. I know I need to accept this but I want to save my family and don't want to look back and realize that I didn't do everything in my power to at least try.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Intrumoil, not only should you call him you must. You need to stand up for yourself. I'm not talking an angry conversation, but it must be done for you. Do it. Heck I'd even do it person to person. He knows you know anyway by now. 

I struggle with the telling the OM w myself. I'm waiting while I collect evidence etc. I did talk to the OM in person and of course he denied. Said I had no worries with him. I don't believe that for a second since I have pictures of them holding hands outside of her new place after their "lunch".


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Sirch is right on the holding out part. That is what I'm doing. I didn't confront him with solid evidence but told him I didn't like what was going on and asked him point blank if I had worries.

Now neither of them know I have pictures and journal entries. Keeping that for leverage just in case it is needed.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

Everybody I talk to about this says something different. It just makes it more confusing! I know him...the w admitted it's him so i don't need anymore evidence. I just don't know what I'd say? Don't know if it would do any good? You would think he knows it's wrong....my w swears up and down that it's just emotional...nothing physical at this point. I am trying to stand up for myself but it's hard to ride that fine line of not being a prick and being confident in my decisions. Like I said before I need to get past the feeling that there is hope and then I know I would be out for blood.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Your thinking about her feelings more than yours it seems. I know the trying to save the family thing is very important, because that is how I felt too. But you need this to move forward. If you don't believe it is physical, then I truly think you need to confront him now before it becomes physical. If you wait you run the risk of that. Standing up for yourself will make your w take notice that you aren't a doormat. Your conversation could go like this 

"Whoever, I know what you are doing with my wife. It is not correct to do this with a married woman. If you are having issues in your own marriage why don't you deal with those. Stop contacting my w."


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Start being confident in your decisions! Once you do that you are going to come off looking like a prick anyway, but only to her! You know why? Because they are the right choices for you, who cares what she thinks at this point. Do as I have suggested earlier and get some more advice from guys that have walked your path already.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

How important to you is it to be the messenger of such news?
Let's face it - it will blow up in their faces sooner or later - I am just not sure how it would help YOU to do this....I think you'd get temporary feelings of vindication but after that just more Cr** from your wife and a lot more unpredictability...


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Some advice from a former trial lawyer who formerly did high end domestic/divorce litigation- whenever you get dirt on your soon to be ex-keep it to yourself to a later date as sirch says. If the divorce is NOT amicable, best to negotiate hard and as long as you can, then, just when they have given inon a number or an issue, such as custody etc, bring up the bomb and get them to capitulate that much further. Your position of stregnth is diminshed by showing this hand early. however, don'y worry about it now- just keep quiet and plan in stealth if you are to take action. We always want to tell our spouses what we will do to get a reaction; however, it is best to drop a hard act without notice to fully get the point across.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Sounds sensible.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I personally would have a hard time not saying anything to the OM. He is obviously playing your wife and his own. I think you would be doing his wife a favor by confirming it to her. I wouldn't get pissed and argue. I would calmly let them (OM & OM's wife) know that you are aware of what is going on and make it clear that he is ruining several lives by his bad decisions. I guess letting him know that you are a real person with feelings and the father of her children and how it could affect them might make it look not so interesting to him as before.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

I am so conflicted.....I've literally read 100's of posts on here and trust the advice given on here by most. Now some of the regulars have conflicting advice....tell him/don't tell him. He probably does know I know now...I am sure my wife told him that she ended up confessing. Thing is I hung out with this guy and he seemed so decent....I can't even imagine him doing this. I need to think this over. Still don't know what I am going to do....maybe just try and talk more with my wife....that is easier said than done...believe me!


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## endymion (Oct 1, 2009)

What do you hope to gain by speaking to the OM?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Inturmoil said:


> I am so conflicted.....I've literally read 100's of posts on here and trust the advice given on here by most. Now some of the regulars have conflicting advice....tell him/don't tell him. He probably does know I know now...I am sure my wife told him that she ended up confessing. Thing is I hung out with this guy and he seemed so decent....I can't even imagine him doing this. I need to think this over. Still don't know what I am going to do....maybe just try and talk more with my wife....that is easier said than done...believe me!


But why are _you _conflicted? Sure you've read different advice - but how does this conflict you - advice just means that you can make an informed decision...

Can you explain to us why you want to tell him? 

If he knows you know why would you want to talk to him - you have irrefutable evidence that he _isn't _a decent guy 

so what's to be gained?

you have had good legal advice to keep this to yourself for now - what is stopping you from following this?

and what do you want to talk to your wife about? 

sorry to be blunt - but how will that help? 

not only is she cheating on you she is not taking any responsibility - she should move out - no question -

of course if she can prove that she is sorry and stops seeing this loser perhaps you can re-start a conversation....

sorry for being so blunt - I know you love her and I know it is easy for someone in anonymous land to tell you stuff - living it is another matter....


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

I have went thru almost exactly what you are dealing with right now. My own divorce is nearly finalized but I will give you my own opinion on what you should do. I do agree with Waiting Patiently to a point. However, in all reality, I do not believe that when everything comes down to it in divorce court or litigation, that the "fault" part of the divorce will have any significant impact on the final outcome of the impending divorce. The bottom line is everything will be split up as close to 50/50 on assets as the courts will gauge them to be valued at, regardless of why the divorce is taking place. Do not believe any lawyer who says otherwise. Then the final part will be support and alimony, which then could have some impact on the "cause" part of the divorce, but in all reality this also will have no effect on the outcome with the fault part of the divorce. I would believe that your situation will end up in divorce. This is because she likely will continue her affair and I also do not believe for a second that it is not already physical. 

First, I think you need to realize that this IS a physical affair. Everything I have read from your posts tells me that it is exactly that. Of course she will lie that it is not, that is what nearly all guilty spouses will say. It is a defense mechanism that they employ to guard themselves from you. Hopefully you will not be blind to what it is like I was. 

Second, in my opinion, you should positively alert the other mans wife. There is absolutely nothing you will gain right now by confronting him. Even if he admitted it being physical, he can claim he never said anything of the sort to you and I also believe he will just verbally attack you and hit you below the belt. Your his competition right now and he thinks he is winning. However, his wife should know because it will make his own life much more difficult. Just imagine that she probably doesn't have any idea of what is going on and if she did, that household would be much more uncomfortable for the OM. However, I would likely tell her covertly and not let her know it was you in any way yet. That way you are not directly dragged into it on their end yet and the backlash from your wife will not be immediate. But you really should rock their boat some so that their sneaking around becomes much more difficult and just maybe it will strain their relationship, your wife and the OM.

Third, I would positively figure out a way to get hard evidence. Unfortunately, it sounds like from a financial standpoint, a PI may be out of the question. However, a testimony by a PI will hold up better in court than evidence you may gather on your own. But you need some form of evidence for the purpose of possibly having an upper hand in custody. Sometimes that might play out better in your favor.

Lastly, your situation will get much uglier. She is trying to avoid court and trying to work out a settlement with you because in my opinion, this would give her the upper hand with custody as well as financially. If it did go to court, there is the chance that she may lose custody, which would mean she would have to pay you child support. Obviously, I think custody is probably the most important thing to you so this is where you need to focus your next moves with. 

I will bet that she will be very cruel to you. She will possibly even claim you do things to her that are untrue. She will most likely get possession of the house during the divorce process. She will get you to have to pay all the bills as well as financial support from you even though this is not your doing. You will probably be left with almost nothing to live off of either.

Legally, neither of you can get sole possession of the home but I would bet she will do everything in her power to get it. She could simply go down to the police and file a protection order against you claiming she is fearful of you harming her. Even if it is total BS. That in itself will get you out of the house and there is almost nothing you can do to prevent it. 

I have probably painted a bleak picture for you but that is why I am telling you to do what I said above. You can do these things covertly and hopefully without her knowing better. I don't think she will take the high road on this because from my own experience, a cheating spouse just wont. She is on a high right now with the thrill of her affair and the rush it gives her with "thinking" she is in love with the OM. So she has turned on you because of this and nothing you can say or do right now will likely change her feelings towards you. 

A parting comment for you personally. Your life will get much better in the end. Your going thru a process right now mentally and emotionally that you have to ride out. I think most people have those thoughts of just ending it, can't live anymore, but you have to realize that things will get better. There are better days ahead for you, trust me on this. You have to get out and start doing things for yourself. Go out with friends. Don't lock yourself up in the house or somewhere that you might end up living at. You have to get out and start living again.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

Here's what I got from the w today......

_I copied off a list of Neutrals (mediators) that are in our area. I focused in on the ones that are experienced in valuation of property. They're all experienced in the rest of the stuff. I contacted the office in ***. We can get into ## ## as soon as next week for a full day appointment. That's a little soon, but I'd think we could get most things figured out by the first week in November. Then hopefully it would only take one appointment. The secretary said that she always plans a full day when minor children are involved. I'm planning on making an appointment so we have a date to plan for. Then if you have something else on your calendar that day, we can reschedule it. But I don't want this to drag out any more. 

Also, we need to talk to our daughter ASAP. People are already asking me what's up with us. So it's only a matter of time before it gets to her. So maybe this weekend would be a good time so we can each spend some one-on-one time with her afterwards._ 

Looks like she is pushing forward....I personally am not ready to break it to our oldest daughter. I don't think I could do it without breaking down! I meet with a lawyer tomorrow and will hopefully get clearer on some things....I am literally terrified of the process....living arrangements, getting equal time with my girls. Not to mention the holidays all coming up....how fricken depressing. I am sick to my stomach.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

New Beginnings said:


> Second, in my opinion, you should positively alert the other mans wife. There is absolutely nothing you will gain right now by confronting him. Even if he admitted it being physical, he can claim he never said anything of the sort to you and I also believe he will just verbally attack you and hit you below the belt. Your his competition right now and he thinks he is winning. However, his wife should know because it will make his own life much more difficult. Just imagine that she probably doesn't have any idea of what is going on and if she did, that household would be much more uncomfortable for the OM. However, I would likely tell her covertly and not let her know it was you in any way yet. That way you are not directly dragged into it on their end yet and the backlash from your wife will not be immediate. But you really should rock their boat some so that their sneaking around becomes much more difficult and just maybe it will strain their relationship, your wife and the OM.


This sounds like a good plan but I don't know how I could contact her without her knowing who I am? Any suggestions on how I go about this would be appreciated. I am leaning towards letting her know if she doesn't already. Another thing that I thought of is the OM is a actually a client of my wifes work. I know there can be a conflict of interest....she does financial work for him and his company....so I could potentially blow this up by threatening to blow the whistle on her.....she needs that job and I think would be smart enough to realize it...maybe not? I guess what do I have to lose at this point? She is moving ahead with all this while I am sitting here trying to decide what my next move should be.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Could be a couple of ways to do it. Could be a letter in her mail box addressed to her. She would likely open her own mail. You could make an phone call from a pay phone to her number and tell her that way while avoiding telling her who you are. Just get creative and I'm sure you could come up with a way to do it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Discuss with an attorney fault vs. no fault filing. I don't imagine that it's possible to work with a mediator if there is a possibility that you intend to file fault based upon infidelity (the evidence you have).

The attorney should also be able to tell you whether or not the evidence you have is strong enough to warrant fault.

You feel how you feel, but if you don't think you can hold it together talking to your daughters then don't. You need to have your feet under you. This thing will completely sweep you along, feeling powerless and out of control - if that is what you allow. Don't let that happen. I'm not telling you that you shouldn't grieve, but there is a time for tears, and there are times when you need to be a brick wall. By being complicit and displaying your vulnerability you want to assume that your partner will exhibit compassion. But that is rarely the case. She is counting on your caving to 'do what's right' by her and the kids, and she is looking _forward_ to being rid of you and moving on with someone else.

You need to focus on those elements.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

thanks for the replies....I met with a lawyer today and found out what my rights are. The state I am in is a no fault state...so it doesn't matter if my w was sleeping with the football team....things get split 50/50. Some of her more recent actions would maybe come into play in custody if we went to trial but I just don't see that as she wants to avoid the huge cost as do I. I am beginning to get my feet under me. It hasn't been an emotional rollercoaster today. Sometimes I even have fleeting thoughts that I will be better off in the end although they don't last. This whole thing sucks and I just wish I could turn back the clock but I can't. Need to move on I guess. I am just making myself sick and can't continue on the path I am on....


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Inturmoil said:


> So my question now is...since I know who the OM is. Should i call or text him and let him know that I think he's a real a ss for messing around with a married woman with kids? I know it probably won't make any difference but it would make me feel better. I have also considered calling his wife and clueing her in on the whole scenario. I am sure she has no idea since he has been going to divorce her for 2 years now! Give me a break!


This might not be the best advice I have ever given but I will tell you that if it was me, I would kick his a$$ and tell his wife. I know that may not be right to get yourself in possible trouble, but I would be hard pressed not to do that. I am sure you will get some people to tell you take care of yourself and not to go there. However I would have a hard time not doing what I just said.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

that's kind of where I am with this whole deal. I would love to do just that....I was driving semi the other day and saw him and thought I should just run him over but that would be too easy. I keep saying that I will probably end up in jail sometime in the next year....and that's saying something as I have never been in trouble for anything. I have control of my temper but given the opportunity I think I would crack...and that's not good.


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## endymion (Oct 1, 2009)

The temper thing is difficult at times. You find yourself wanting to call and rant at your W, or SOMEONE, but you know it's going to be pointless and destructive, so it just brews and brew. Until you're almost physically shaking, right? Been there.

Trying doing something physical. I've been working out (for the first time in 7 years) at least 1 hour a night. It takes the edge off. I've gotten to the end of some workout sessions and been so exhausted I could almost collapse. I worked out I could turn the anger into drive to keep going, keep building. 
It won't get rid of all the anger, but it will help. And you'll end up in better shape to move forward and find someone new if things really don't work out. 

Just my tip, but it's worked wonders for me.


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