# Mornings are the hardest!!



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Mornings are the worse. It seems every morning for the past week I’ve been waking up before my alarm goes off. I lay there and try to go back to sleep, but as soon as my mind wakes up it starts spinning around the reality of the situation: you are getting a divorce, there is no more making up, your life is going to change drastically, your kids’ lives are going to change drastically, money.. are you going to be able to do this on your own!!! Then when I finally have to get up, I put on a fake smile and get my kids through our morning routines, come to work, and then fight back the tears till afternoon when I finally start feeling a bit better. I know this is new.. I know this is fresh.. I know I will get better as the days go by.. but knowing all that doesn’t make it any easier!! 

Unfortunately, my soon to be ex is still living in our home with me. The plan is that he will move out in June. That gives us time to tie up loose ends with finances and give the kids a little time to adjust to the news. Well last night he want to hug me and comfort me. I pushed him away. I don’t want him to comfort me. I need to do this on my own. He doesn’t understand that everything is making me sad, angry, bitter.. etc because I am an emotional tornado right now. I tried to explain this to him after I flipped out over something silly. I told him, I just need my space that I’m grieving the end of our marriage and the 12yrs we spent together and it’s not easy. But he keeps pushing. He wants us to be friends and be there for each other. Am I the only one that doesn’t think that is possible right now?? I need to let him go, I need to accept this.. I can’t have him trying to wipe my tears while telling me he will always love me. AHh. Wake me up when May is over!! 


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Your right, Its not fair. If your trying to get over him then your not going to be wanting him holding you, or cuddling you, its making things worse, as hes the reason your feeling like this in the first place.

I think its going to be hard while hes under the same roof as you, when june comes and hes gone, i think this is when you will start to feel better. I think its unfair of him to try and hug you, this is no help to you.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I felt the same, the feeling is awful. This has been going on for more than a year, not everyday, but since January when he asked for the divorce is sure was daily. 2 days ago I decided to stop in front of the mirror in the morning and cheer me up by myself. It has worked so far.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I am in a similar situation. My stbx still lives me in the house due to financial reasons. He is supposed to be move out in June as well. So looking forward to it. We get along great sometimes it almost seems like old times but then he us still texting with the new woman in his life. I keep reminding myself to stay strong and keep him at a distance. So looking forward to my freedom even though I was not the one who wanted the divorce. Keep strong and keep him at a distance it will get better I promise!!!


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Same deal for me about the mornings the first week after...you just want to die. You wake up and for one split glorious second...you forget and you think it's just another morning...and then the sledgehammer hits you in the head that reminds you. It's so awful...you wake up too early...stay up too late...don't eat...awful.
I haven't been able to cure the morning blues yet but the rest of it I take care of by doing something better for myself. So every day I get up, fix my hair, take pride in myself and get through it...if people can get over deaths of their spouses after some 60-something years together...we that have been married a fraction of that time should take comfort in that. Time heals all...cliche, but true. It's just as Tom Petty says, the waiting is the hardest part.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Thank you all for your post! It really does help knowing that I'm not alone!! 
I have turned the leaf to bitterness.. the tears have since run out and i'm angry. I'm sure it won't be long before I'm sad again. But feeling mad at him for hurting me and letting me down sure makes it easier to get through the days! - For now anyways! 
Last night he was trying to talk to me like I was still his wife, I think he might be second quessing his decision to mutually split. The probem is, nothing changed, nothing got better.. I don't want to go backwards. I want to follow this through and see what happens. 
I started working on a list.. A list of things I want to do.. for myself, for others. FOr example, run a mile, volunteer at a shelter, chase a storm. It's helping me to feel more positive. I'm finding new found energy and faith in myself! 
I'm sure i'm still not anywhere near out of the woods yet.. but i'm enjoying this day of feeling positive!


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Definitely not alone. It hits me every day like a sledgehammer to the head. It's all just so surreal and like I said, you really just want to die. It's the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. Shock and sorrow for my mistakes and hers...you just take for granted that once you're married...that's it, you're set for life..WE won't get divorced like all the other couples. Fact is we all ignore the divorce rate but sadly chances are good you're just going to be a statistic.
I am totally and forever disillusioned with the concept of marriage now.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

PRL said:


> I am totally and forever disillusioned with the concept of marriage now.


As much as this hurts.. I'm not giving up on love and the idea that there is someone out there that is right for me! Not perfect.. just right! I'm FAR from ready to start dating again. I need to heal and find happiness within myself first. Maybe it's the girl in me that grew up on fairytales and happily ever afters! It does seem that guys give up on the idea of marriage more often then women do. 

This morning was one of those hard mornings though.. The routine played through my head.. the doubts, the fears.. but luickly no tears yet today! 

I wish i could survey all older married couples and ask them.. what is the secret to surviving a marriage. I keep hearing, marriage is hard.. We just didn't give up. So I wonder did they make the right decision to stay together and make it through the hard times?? Or did they stay together out of fear of seperation?? Would their lives be better had they got a divorce?? They say us younger generation gives up too easily but is that it.. or is it, that we just found more strength to stand up for ourselves and seek better when things aren't good????


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

firefairy said:


> As much as this hurts.. I'm not giving up on love and the idea that there is someone out there that is right for me! Not perfect.. just right! I'm FAR from ready to start dating again. I need to heal and find happiness within myself first. Maybe it's the girl in me that grew up on fairytales and happily ever afters! It does seem that guys give up on the idea of marriage more often then women do.
> 
> This morning was one of those hard mornings though.. The routine played through my head.. the doubts, the fears.. but luickly no tears yet today!
> 
> I wish i could survey all older married couples and ask them.. what is the secret to surviving a marriage. I keep hearing, marriage is hard.. We just didn't give up. So I wonder did they make the right decision to stay together and make it through the hard times?? Or did they stay together out of fear of seperation?? Would their lives be better had they got a divorce?? They say us younger generation gives up too easily but is that it.. or is it, that we just found more strength to stand up for ourselves and seek better when things aren't good????


Well going through my experience now I've researched this break up to death. My feeling is this...people that are still married well into old age had enough wisdom to know that when the "passion" leaves a relationship, it's not necessarily gone forever. It's when the plain old love between a couple vanishes that there are issues. So I believe being "in love" fades and comes back many times throughout a marriage...it's the plain old love that needs to always be there. However once passion is gone, too many people feel as though it's a permanent loss, because that's pretty much what your feelings tell you at the time. Some people can fight it and some give up. So the couple that stays together until old age surely had this speedbump in their relationships as well...it's just they stuck it out and resisted the immense temptation to bail on the marriage. Divorce was shunned upon at one time too, that probably also plays a role why elderly people seem to have stayed together.
But I do believe that passion comes and goes in long term relationships with the same person. I also think it's a natural progression. In my case the wife seems to be having a mid life crisis or something. She is also co-dependent. So I think a combination of those things has her all messed up right now. Still I respect her for not cheating on me and instead using the urges she had to do it as motivation to break the news to me. I have to respect her for that. So anyway, that's my thought as to why marriages that last into old age last as long as they do.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Thank you for your insight. I do agree a lot with what you said. I think it holds a lot of truth. Truth that I personally acknowledged and felt in my marriage. I knew the ‘in love’ feeling faded and I was holding on to hope that we would rekindle once the kids were grown and we had more time. I guess once I fell ‘out of love’ I became more distant and I kept begging him to make me fall inlove again, for him to be my friend, for him to give me something to fight for.. but he couldn’t because he was feeling hurt and pushed away by my distance. All he wanted was affection that I couldn’t give him. I guess things just get complicated!! I would’ve stayed if it wasn’t for the face that we couldn’t even communicate.. communication was a problem from the beginning.. we were just different people with different lifestyle views and that caused the fights to keep getting louder, more frequent, and meaner.. and that wasn’t fair to our girls to have to live in the house of tension with us.


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

firefairy said:


> Thank you for your insight. I do agree a lot with what you said. I think it holds a lot of truth. Truth that I personally acknowledged and felt in my marriage. I knew the ‘in love’ feeling faded and I was holding on to hope that we would rekindle once the kids were grown and we had more time. I guess once I fell ‘out of love’ I became more distant and I kept begging him to make me fall inlove again, for him to be my friend, for him to give me something to fight for.. but he couldn’t because he was feeling hurt and pushed away by my distance. All he wanted was affection that I couldn’t give him. I guess things just get complicated!! I would’ve stayed if it wasn’t for the face that we couldn’t even communicate.. communication was a problem from the beginning.. we were just different people with different lifestyle views and that caused the fights to keep getting louder, more frequent, and meaner.. and that wasn’t fair to our girls to have to live in the house of tension with us.


Well no, that makes sense because that was a sticking point in my wife's decision to tell me the truth before she degraded our marriage...that all the affection I was giving her didn't feel right...she lost her passion for me. Much like you describe the way you felt. We talked tonight about her emotional affair mentioned above and it's clearly both of our fault that that happened. In retrospect I can think of MANY nights now where she tried to get my attention and I was so dense about it. So I am at fault for pushing her to that...she has always been passionately against infidelity because she was cheated on a lot before she met me. So I think once she started having thoughts about our mutual friend...it scared the bejeezus out of her...so she dropped the bomb on me. She said that I did nothing as a husband that deserves her humiliating me like that... and that was a source of her problems. She kept saying to herself..."he's good to me, he doesn't cheat, he's neat, he truly loves, me...why do I feel this way...what's wrong with me???!" It drove her crazy for months she said. 
So we're getting some clarity here during our final days together.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Firefairy: IMHO, if he doesn't want to live with you later, he shouldn't want to live with you now! That just makes things even more harder and difficult later on, for both you and the kids! He needed to be out in the cold upon his original pronouncement!

You are totally justified in offering him the "cold shoulder!" And probably should be collecting his key and summarily placing his suitcase out on the front door stoop!

For what it's worth, I've been separated/divorced for better than 2-1/2 years now. And I still find myself waking up in the wee hours of the morning and cannot seem to get back to sleep! Join the crowd! I feel for you!*


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Why is this I wonder? Why are we all waking up way early and falling asleep way late? It's almost like this feeling of intense dread that is specifically awful upon waking. It must be something in the way our brains are when we first wake up and become conscious...it seems that's when this hurts us all the most.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I feel so heart broken this morning.. almost enough to attempt to call the whole seperation off just so I can go back to the miserable relationship i was in just so i don't have to feel this kind of hurt and confusion! 
Saturday was my oldest daughters prom. My stbx sent me mixed signals all day long as we went through the events together as a family. I got words of happiness towards the split followed by trying to touch me, kiss me, laugh with me, and hold my hand. In those moments I almost thought about trying counseling to save the tiny bit of love we still have for each other. (I was caught up in escaping from the pain) But when i called him out on the mixed signals thats when I got more positive feedback on the split. Broke my heart to pieces all over again. He also hinted something like he wants me to beg him to stay or make the attempt to save our marriage. Which is funny because all he's done in the past two weeks is take me for one hell of a rollar coaster ride of emotions. Lack of sleep last night is really feeding into this emotional breakdown that I am feeling this morning. I need some strength!! :-(


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Write this down and repeat to yourself, and BELIEVE yourself as you are saying it:

I am loveable.
I am loving.
I deserve a healthy, loving relationship.
I do not accept conditional love.
I am worthy of real love.
I love myself.
I am a great person.
Look in the mirror, say and mean it: I love you. You are worthwhile. You are going to be better than okay, you are going to be successful.

Do this 4-5 times a day. Do it with a smile on your face even if the smile is fake in the beginning. Remind yourself that you believe these things. You are worthy of all of these things. I believe it.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

PRL said:


> "he's good to me, he doesn't cheat, he's neat, he truly loves, me...why do I feel this way...what's wrong with me???!" It drove her crazy for months she said.
> So we're getting some clarity here during our final days together.


I can relate to how your wife was feeling there. My stbx had a lot of those same qualities. He loved me, he didn't cheat, he helped me around the house, and he always tried to do what he could to make my life easier. The problem was he also has/had a addictive behavior and a bad temper. Sometimes he would purposely put himself in a bad mood to be able to get through the cleaning. Or he would come home in a bad mood just because he 'thought' i was in a bad mood. He was mean when he was mad. He would put me down to try to make himself feel better. Which to his defense was due to his own self esteem issues. BUt after awhile it slowly started balancing out.. the good qualities didn't outnumber the bad qualitles anymore and it got hard to forget the bad days because they started out numbering the good days 5-1. There is a lot of things I could've done differently. Maybe if I had handeled things better in our beginning years things wouldn't have went the way they did?! Lots of should've, could've, would'ves.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

movealong said:


> Write this down and repeat to yourself, and BELIEVE yourself as you are saying it:
> 
> I am loveable.
> I am loving.
> ...


Thank you!! On a morning like this, thats exactly what i need to hear!


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

It's been getting harder to hold it together and act like everything is ok. It's getting harder to hold back the tears and act strong. I keep begging God to give me a solid sign that I am making the right decision. I keep reading encouraging post and articles.. but it's only a quick fix to my broken heart. I feel so broken. 
So as utterly depressed as I already feel, for some reason I decided to torture myself and look at pictures. We use to be happy.. I could see the love.. I can remember it. I can't pinpoint when and where it went wrong. I can't figure out why we let everything slip away. 
As I ask for signs I think I'm getting them... the other night I started crying in bed.. he heard me, attempted to comfort me for a moment. I left the room and went downstairs to cry alone. He feel asleep. Didn't even check on me. I guess that should be a sign. This morning he texted me, I told him I was thinking about seeing a dr to help me through this.. he never texted back.. I guess that should be a sign. I don't want to go backwards.. I know we are doing the right thing and that I will be ok once I get through the hard parts.. I just want to know after 12 years seeing me in this much pain hurts him a little!! It's making me feel so worthless and alone. :-(


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

firefairy said:


> As much as this hurts.. I'm not giving up on love and the idea that there is someone out there that is right for me! Not perfect.. just right! I'm FAR from ready to start dating again. I need to heal and find happiness within myself first. Maybe it's the girl in me that grew up on fairytales and happily ever afters! It does seem that guys give up on the idea of marriage more often then women do.
> 
> This morning was one of those hard mornings though.. The routine played through my head.. the doubts, the fears.. but luickly no tears yet today!
> 
> I wish i could survey all older married couples and ask them.. what is the secret to surviving a marriage. I keep hearing, marriage is hard.. We just didn't give up. So I wonder did they make the right decision to stay together and make it through the hard times?? Or did they stay together out of fear of seperation?? Would their lives be better had they got a divorce?? They say us younger generation gives up too easily but is that it.. or is it, that we just found more strength to stand up for ourselves and seek better when things aren't good????


I have been separated a year now. When it was all going down, every morning, I felt like it was a nightmare. That's gone now.

I was married 25 years. When I look at my friends who are in long marriages, I see a genuine respect and deep like for their partner, as well as for themselves.

I think a good marriage is a very, very wonderful thing. I am not disillusioned.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

firefairy said:


> It's been getting harder to hold it together and act like everything is ok. It's getting harder to hold back the tears and act strong. I keep begging God to give me a solid sign that I am making the right decision. I keep reading encouraging post and articles.. but it's only a quick fix to my broken heart. I feel so broken.
> So as utterly depressed as I already feel, for some reason I decided to torture myself and look at pictures. We use to be happy.. I could see the love.. I can remember it. I can't pinpoint when and where it went wrong. I can't figure out why we let everything slip away.
> As I ask for signs I think I'm getting them... the other night I started crying in bed.. he heard me, attempted to comfort me for a moment. I left the room and went downstairs to cry alone. He feel asleep. Didn't even check on me. I guess that should be a sign. This morning he texted me, I told him I was thinking about seeing a dr to help me through this.. he never texted back.. I guess that should be a sign. I don't want to go backwards.. I know we are doing the right thing and that I will be ok once I get through the hard parts.. I just want to know after 12 years seeing me in this much pain hurts him a little!! It's making me feel so worthless and alone. :-(


Those aren't signs fire, they're billboards.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I feel like i'm going to explode today!! His mom keeps posting 'Move on' type banners on FB.. my STBX doesn't even have FB so they are meant for me to see that she wants him to move on and forget me. Which sucks because as a codependant all i ever really want to do was help him! 
YES! I got the book.. and YES! I am defintely a codependant. Two pages in and i started bawling because it was like the book was meant for me. I do need to change! I need to let go! Which brought me to a realization this morning that the reason i'm falling apart so badly the past few days is because I am losing control. He doesn't care about my feelings. He's not acting like the same person. Which is probably great.. but it's making me lose my mind.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

firefairy said:


> I feel like i'm going to explode today!! His mom keeps posting 'Move on' type banners on FB.. my STBX doesn't even have FB so they are meant for me to see that she wants him to move on and forget me. Which sucks because as a codependant all i ever really want to do was help him!
> YES! I got the book.. and YES! I am defintely a codependant. Two pages in and i started bawling because it was like the book was meant for me. I do need to change! I need to let go! Which brought me to a realization this morning that the reason i'm falling apart so badly the past few days is because I am losing control. He doesn't care about my feelings. He's not acting like the same person. Which is probably great.. but it's making me lose my mind.


If you do not have a good support system, it is going to take longer to fix you.  Codependents Anonymous can help. Find a meeting within driving distance and just go. Give at least 6-8 meetings to really get a good feel for the group and the program. Do NOT be afraid to ask for help! You now know you have codependent issues, there is no reason to ignore them. Work through them. 

Do it for you! Odds are that you will carry the codependency into ANY future relationship if you don't work on the issues.

You CAN do it, just get after it. It will also help take your mind off the current problems while you are working on YOU!


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Thats the sad part. I have no support. He has a mom that can't wait to baby him.. family and friends that can't wait to drink with him. I have no one. Everyone is to busy to give me a shoulder to cry on. I pushed everyone away over the years because i was too busy trying to keep my family in order and run the show.. now all I have this forum. Thats it :-( 

I'm holding onto the hope that things will get easier after he moves out and I don't have to see him and talk to him everyday. Ugh! It's like my heart gets broken all over again every single day!! If he's too nice, it hurts. If he's mean, it hurts.. if he's distant, it hurts. I can't win!!! :-(

I live in such a small town area, i'm not sure if there is any support groups for codependants around here??


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm sorry firefairy, seeing someone suffer like this really sucks. I know you've heard it a couple of thousand times already, but in time it will get better. Him being there just seems to prolong the agony, I feel for you. Keep a stiff upper lip kid, things will get better. Just got to push through day by day and things will get easier and better. really sorry


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Anxiety is often worse in the morning. You wake up and are ok for a few minutes, then reality hits and your heart starts to race. 

When he moves out is there a big rush to divorce? Or do you want him to move out then both evaluate your feelings in 3 or 6 months? 

Would you consider some MC after he moves out? 

I know this probably confuses you more, but I sense ambivalence in your posts. 

Have you had any prior separations?


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

No prior separations since we’ve been married (almost 6years) A few off and on’s before that! Together a total of 12yrs.

I don’t know if there is a chance of ‘R’ - We haven’t talked about it. 

I’m just feeling so much fear. What if I’m not making the right decision? What if he really was a great guy and this is all my fault and I’m pushing him away?? What if I could have done more to make it work? What if there was an easy way to fix this and we didn’t do it and now our girls have to suffer through a Divorce? What if he finds someone better than me, and I end up alone for the rest of my life? What did I do to deserve this? I always tried to be a good person, take care of my kids, my house, my responsibilities. He keeps telling me he’s just giving me what I wanted!! It’s like he’s trying to make this my punishment. And maybe I deserve it because I threaten Divorce sooo many times. But I felt so sad, alone, and backed in a corner for soooo long! 

Then I just don’t understand why this isn’t effecting him more.. why am I the only person shattered into a million pieces.. this is what I wanted, right! I should be happy right?! I should be the strong one! I’ve been complaining for the past few years that I wasn’t happy.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

firefairy said:


> It's been getting harder to hold it together and act like everything is ok. It's getting harder to hold back the tears and act strong. I keep begging God to give me a solid sign that I am making the right decision. I keep reading encouraging post and articles.. but it's only a quick fix to my broken heart. I feel so broken.
> So as utterly depressed as I already feel, for some reason I decided to torture myself and look at pictures. We use to be happy.. I could see the love.. I can remember it. I can't pinpoint when and where it went wrong. I can't figure out why we let everything slip away. * As I ask for signs I think I'm getting them... the other night I started crying in bed.. he heard me, attempted to comfort me for a moment. I left the room and went downstairs to cry alone. He feel asleep. Didn't even check on me. I guess that should be a sign. *This morning he texted me, I told him I was thinking about seeing a dr to help me through this.. he never texted back.. I guess that should be a sign. I don't want to go backwards.. I know we are doing the right thing and that I will be ok once I get through the hard parts.. I just want to know after 12 years seeing me in this much pain hurts him a little!! It's making me feel so worthless and alone. :-(


Whatever his issues, the bolded is YOUR problem not his. He tried to comfort you, you walked away and REJECTED his efforts... you have zero right to be mad that he didn't try again. In fact, you should appreciate that he respected YOUR wishes. 

You asked for the divorce. You've stated a number of reasons over your past threads as to why... if this is the decision you have made then stick with it. Stop expecting him to live up to the ridiculous standards you set for him (ie: he should know to follow the wife that wants to divorce him and try to comfort her after she left the room they were previously in just to avoid his attempts to comfort her). Its definitely a sign you made the right decision when your soon to be ex-husband listens to you and respects your wishes. Yet, that's just unfathomable to you... how dare he fall asleep and not know I wanted him to chase me after I rejected him. The funny thing is that earlier in this thread, you LAUGHED at the idea of him telling you he needs you to fight for him and your relationship. Yet you are condemning him for not chasing you in the face of your deliberate and outright rejection of him... both in asking for divorce and in the situation we are speaking of.

If you want to fix things, it takes effort by both. You are looking for reasons to blame him... the bolded is not one. He did all he could in that situation, you are ABSOLUTELY wrong. You can't hold him to the standards of a marriage if you have already chosen not to be in it. Either get help or let go. You are placing unfair expectations on BOTH of you. All in or all out, its not fair to either of you when you waver.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Your are right. And I admitted that to him and to myself last night. I admitted to him that maybe he worked so hard to change, but I never knew I had a problem to (with codependency) therefore, I never tried to change to! I know I neglected his feelings, wants, and needs because he wasn't meeting mine. Where communication was always the main problem on both of our ends. We both would only hear what we wanted to hear and not what the other person was saying. I felt so let down and hurt, that I became bitter and cold. 
Last night we talked, we listened, we got a little closer then we should've.. but we both came to terms with the fact that we love each other deeply and we both admitted our flaws and our mistakes. We both admitted that as much as we don't want to split up, we don't want to go backwards either, we don't want to fall into the same routine again and starting fighting daily. 
I did expect him to read my mind. I know that was wrong. But if he left the room crying, even if he pushed me away.. I wouldn't have been able to fall asleep knowing he was in pain. Maybe I wouldn't have chased after him.. but I would've stayed awake until he returned and asked if he was ok because that's the kind of person that I am. I guess I can't expect him to be the same. 
I'm just so confused??


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I also discovered I clam up easily. I won't open up completely out of fear for rejection. As much as I wanted to say some things.. his tone, his words,.. would make me hold back because I feared I would get hurt. I do believe he wounded me deeply in the beginning of our relationship, during the peak of his alcoholism and due to that I have issue with fear, resentment, and opening up.. that I need to address and change.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

See I'm crazy.. because then I also have to ask myself.. is our relationship really toxic? Is he toxic? Am I attracted to toxic people and toxic relationships because I am codependent. I have a nature to want to help, heal, and change people.. and that's what attracted me to him; he was a beautiful wounded soul with issues from his childhood and drinking. So I ask myself, even if I change, if I get help for my issues, if I learn to communicate, if I learn to listen, if I learn to meet his needs and give more.. will our relationship still be toxic? Will he still be mean to me when hes mad? Will he still shut down my hopes and dreams? Will he still hold my past mistakes against me? Will he use my admitting my flaws against me to place the blame on me whenever he gets a chance?? Are we both to beautifully damaged to make this work??


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

firefairy said:


> As much as this hurts.. I'm not giving up on love and the idea that there is someone out there that is right for me! Not perfect.. just right! I'm FAR from ready to start dating again. I need to heal and find happiness within myself first. Maybe it's the girl in me that grew up on fairytales and happily ever afters! It does seem that guys give up on the idea of marriage more often then women do.
> 
> This morning was one of those hard mornings though.. The routine played through my head.. the doubts, the fears.. but luickly no tears yet today!
> 
> I wish i could survey all older married couples and ask them.. what is the secret to surviving a marriage. I keep hearing, marriage is hard.. We just didn't give up. So I wonder did they make the right decision to stay together and make it through the hard times?? Or did they stay together out of fear of seperation?? Would their lives be better had they got a divorce?? They say us younger generation gives up too easily but is that it.. or is it, that we just found more strength to stand up for ourselves and seek better when things aren't good????


Don't assume most older couples in long marriages are happy. Some are. Many are not -- they are waiting until the natural end to see if they outlive their spouse and are healthy enough to enjoy what's left of their life. My generation was taught to endure what life throws at you in and out of marriage. There's a downside to that when your marriage doesn't work. 

I ended a 45 year marriage last year and my only regret is not getting out 30 years ago.

ETA: You can't change others. Just yourself.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

WAITING!
For the first time in a LONG time I put myself out there. I told him I didn't want him to leave that I wanted to go to counseling and give it one last try. For the first time EVER I admitted that I am the one that needs to change. For the first time ever I feel like I am the one that has been driving the wedge between us with my codependency issues.. because up until a few days ago I didn't realize I had a problem.. I didn't realize what I was doing was harmful. I thought I was just trying to do what was best. I spent so much time blaming him for hurting me when I was only hurting myself. 
He has been affectionate and close to me yet he hasn't made a final decision on whether or not to call off moving out in two weeks because he is afraid we might sink back into old habits and just be miserable again. I'm just sick to my stomach. Did I push him too far away??? I know if I did and he goes.. I'll be ok.. because now I am aware that I have some work to do to fix myself. And when I do that work, I will be a better person.. ready for a better things.. with him or without him. BUt at this moment.. this waiting game is killing me stomach. 
WAITING


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

firefairy said:


> WAITING!
> For the first time in a LONG time I put myself out there. I told him I didn't want him to leave that I wanted to go to counseling and give it one last try. For the first time EVER I admitted that I am the one that needs to change. For the first time ever I feel like I am the one that has been driving the wedge between us with my codependency issues.. because up until a few days ago I didn't realize I had a problem.. I didn't realize what I was doing was harmful. I thought I was just trying to do what was best. I spent so much time blaming him for hurting me when I was only hurting myself.
> He has been affectionate and close to me yet he hasn't made a final decision on whether or not to call off moving out in two weeks because he is afraid we might sink back into old habits and just be miserable again. I'm just sick to my stomach. Did I push him too far away??? I know if I did and he goes.. I'll be ok.. because now I am aware that I have some work to do to fix myself. And when I do that work, I will be a better person.. ready for a better things.. with him or without him. BUt at this moment.. this waiting game is killing me stomach.
> WAITING


Please understand, your Codepedency may have set your relationship in to the Karpman Triangle. He may have to read the book and understand his role in it as well....if he is willing. I would not rush him, or even ask him to read it. Maybe buy an extra copy and just lay it out where he will be able to pick it up and start reading. It may intrigue him to see what it says and why you feel the need to change "all of the sudden".


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