# Ladies... Once you turn off emotions do they ever turn back on?



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

2 years!

My wife says "She's trying" but our sex life has taken a serious hit only twice in 20!!, 5 times in 2010 down from a regular rate of 15+ previous 18 years.

All "issues" addressed but she still seems to hold onto little slights going back 18 years. Also the things I said like "Our sex life has never been at my desired level" which is honest I'd like it twice a week!

Finally with now agreed upon monthly talks from now until resolved she seems to be nicer, not that she wasn't but a different nice. I told her we will either get closer or further apart (up to divorce) but that the last two years were unacceptable for both of us. She did not disagree.

She has stated it's her and specifically her feelings (more than once).... she flat out refuses counseling "How are they going to change my feelings"

I agree... it has to come from her. 

She admits I changed already and really appreciates my efforts.

Other than that we get along great... but both of us report some unhappiness.

It seems like shes motivated (due to the monthly conversations) to try harder now to flip it back on... can she?

We hugged that night two years ago and she said it would just take some time.
We agreed to strengthen the marriage... two years ago 


Do these switches turn back on? I think it flipped one night two years ago off.
My thinking is sex will help, it's harder to increase feelings without!

I figure she will get tired of talking every month and this may just jump start the whole mess.
I've already tried twice the give her plenty of space for six month stretches that equaled no action.

Thanks ladies. I love her but geeez!


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> 2 years!
> 
> My wife says "She's trying" but our sex life has taken a serious hit only twice in 20!!, 5 times in 2010 down from a regular rate of 15+ previous 18 years.
> 
> ...


Ok... manspeak... sex is the expression of love...

womanspeak... you give lots of emotional connectivity ,FIRST, then you get sex... 

find out her language of love... 5lovelanguages.com. both you do the assessment... start speaking her language, and her yours... 

Assigning monthly 'talk it out' sessions is like planning nights for having sex... both are NOT IN THE MOMENT... get some spontaneity back in your lives... in all realms... be daring .. be courageous... court her again...


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## LadyGemma (Oct 4, 2011)

Hello,

Get her to go see a psychologist, either she has some sort of mental issue she isn't dealing with or she is no longer attracted to you sexually. Sorry buddy


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Rose Red...

Thank you for your suggestion. I looked at the online quiz and it lloks like something we may do if shes game. I think if we bothe watch each other take the quiz perhaps it might sink in. 

I've tried ust sitting back twice for six months at a time. Our scedules really make it hard to be spontaneous as we are only together with even the possibility two days (Sat,Sun) and few hours each week (Fri night).

This schedule works great for family dynamics getting kids to school, appts and after school homework but it's a killer for any real spontaneity. My attemps are confined into a small and busy window each week. Add in her period and we really only have at best 7 days of potential for some loving each month.

The other four days she's out by 6am and I'm home after 10pm... she's always been an early to bed person often sleeping by 8:30pm. so those days are pretty much four days straight of zero chance each week.

On the fri,sat our two boys (12,15 stay up later) so it's hard to get her alone and relaxed.. with her early to bed the window is even smaller. I'm sure she knows i'll "try" on these days killing spontaneity.

That's why I decided a monthly discussion at lest gets me some on-on one alone time and a continued focus on an outstanding issues. This might be a good time to do the online quiz.

The rub is when we are on vacation pretty much the same thing and there was a period of time I was out of work and available 24/7 so I'm not sure the schedule is the problem.

I'm pretty sure it's her and her mind/// she will stay up late to go out or have a girls night out sometimes until 2am! 

If she were motivated then I'm sure we could find time... the problem is getting her motivated!


-------

LadyGemma

She probably needs some sort of professional help. She likes to hold grudges she would not talk to her sister up until the time she died, and the same with one of her best friends from high school. I knew going in I should never get on her bad side... but somehow I got there!

She is really a very intelligent well rounded grounded woman. very adept socially, puts all her energy into work, gym and kids and when 8pm rolls around she's tired. she won't take naps.

She never wants to try any other time but nighttime. it's almost like winning he lottery. HARD!

I'm not sure she realized she's destroying her marriage in the process. 

I'm so willing to bend.... i want her to never feel pressured but these long lapses between tries are horrible (2-4mo), I'm already at 2.5 and I think her period is right around he corner!

So It'll probably be 3-4mo this time. Talk bout pressure to perform knowing that this is it for another 3-4months!

Its caused ED issues on top of all that, my doctor says I'm fine with testosterone it's mental stress likely...she said talk to her.

It's a slippery slope... it's stressing our marriage out big time.

I need regularity and enthusiasm. Bottom line at least monthly!
With some affection in-between... I'm not asking for much but it's been two yeras of this. Crazy and affects me daily. She's nice, fun and friendly but shy's away from normal physical contact. She used to ask for footrubs every day... it's been two years. i still rub her feet when i can though although even those never lead anywhere it seems. I get the thats enough after twenty minutes or so. No win.

I do still love her through all of this... but I can go on like this. I's unsustainable I'd rather live alone if this goes on much longer. I would have never thought that three years ago. Why do women do this?

As a guy I don't get it at all.

She says she likes sex and that she likes me and tat our sex isn't the probem.... she just says it's her, her feelings and that "she's trying". Too busy to see a doctor.

I asked her if she was too busy to work on our marriage.. she said no 
She agreed to monthly discussions until solved or separation.

I guess that's a small positive. Guess we'll see.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Give her a lil time.

You asked: Ladies... Once you turn off emotions do they ever turn back on? 

This has only happened in ONE relationship for me. When I am done, I am usually done, over, finito, done-zo.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

It has taken me nearly a year since being legitimately done to start having feelings for my H. And when I say "start,"I mean it. There are times that my heart shuts down and I don't even want to look at him. I try to work through these times because he's shown me that the "new him" is permanent. In the past whenever he had an off day I would start thinking about divorce again. My emotional side doesn't want him to make even a single mistake. Luckily I can still see logic through the clouds of emotions. So yes, it's possible to fall back in love for a woman. It takes a lot of work from both parties... Maybe "work back in love" is a better fit. 

If your W is still holding grudges about things that happened 18 years ago, clearly you (as a unit) don't have the skills to resolve these conflicts. MC can provide the tools to do so. If you're not heading in the right direction at this point, it's time to try something else. If she refuses a new approach then it's probably tome for you to walk away. There's no sense in staying with someone who isn't willing to put forth the work required to rebuild the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> This has only happened in ONE relationship for me. When I am done, I am usually done, over, finito, done-zo.


 Same here. There are tons of disappointments that build up and force the switch 'off'. Once it's off with a particular person, it's done. No more. I think a woman's sex drive is directly based on the amount of positive non-sexual attention she receives. Unless she has underlying medical or psychological issues??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I think a woman's sex drive is directly based on the amount of positive non-sexual attention she receives.


I completely agree. It also has something to do with respect. If a woman has lost respect for a man (because he's not respecting her or other reasons), her sexual attraction to him diminishes significantly. For me personally, once my emotions begin to fade, it has always begin because I've lost respect for him in some manner.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> It has taken me nearly a year since being legitimately done to start having feelings for my H. And when I say "start,"I mean it. There are times that my heart shuts down and I don't even want to look at him. I try to work through these times because he's shown me that the "new him" is permanent. In the past whenever he had an off day I would start thinking about divorce again. My emotional side doesn't want him to make even a single mistake. Luckily I can still see logic through the clouds of emotions. So yes, it's possible to fall back in love for a woman. It takes a lot of work from both parties... Maybe "work back in love" is a better fit.
> 
> If your W is still holding grudges about things that happened 18 years ago, clearly you (as a unit) don't have the skills to resolve these conflicts. MC can provide the tools to do so. If you're not heading in the right direction at this point, it's time to try something else. If she refuses a new approach then it's probably tome for you to walk away. There's no sense in staying with someone who isn't willing to put forth the work required to rebuild the relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks,

Can I ask what turned off your switch and consider divorce?

Also if he has changed why are there days where you can't stand him... is it current behavior and/or memories from the past with him?

Finally is here anything that he could do right now to make it better or is it just YOU... what will it take for him to get out of your dog house?

Do you think you'll ever recover feelings fully again? Does time heal all wounds?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Give her a lil time.
> 
> You asked: Ladies... Once you turn off emotions do they ever turn back on?
> 
> This has only happened in ONE relationship for me. When I am done, I am usually done, over, finito, done-zo.



Thanks for your input can I ask...

Wouldn't a marriage be a bit different though (one chance that's it)?

When you say a little time how much time does it take what about the past two years?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Same here. There are tons of disappointments that build up and force the switch 'off'. Once it's off with a particular person, it's done. No more. I think a woman's sex drive is directly based on the amount of positive non-sexual attention she receives. Unless she has underlying medical or psychological issues??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What non-sexual attention works best ladies?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I'm not sure she realized she's destroying her marriage in the process.


Here is the gist. She needs to understand you will not stay married to her if she doesn't address it. You don't get married and expect to have so little SF. It's part of the bargain. And you either fix what's wrong with you so you can do it, or you let the other person go so they can find someone who will.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes -a marriage is different. The one time I was not completely done was my marriage. We ended up divorced. 

Have to admit, I initially skimmed over your post. Do you mean you'e only had sex 1x in 20 days? How often are you guys having sex?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need counseling. Not to 'change' her feelings. But to air out the differences, the things that she uses to lose feeling for you, and to have the counselor show you both how to move past that. Counselors actually do go to college to learn how to do that, you know. 

fwiw, I stopped caring about my husband long ago, and wanted nothing more than to be away from him. Some wise people suggested I follow the marriagebuilders.com plan for eliminating Love Busters and meeting Emotional Needs. Putting my own stuff on hold for awhile, and focusing on what I do in regards to him; stopping my LBs and meeting his ENs. I did that, and he responded in a big way. Just as I was miserable because he never did anything for me, he was miserable cos I had stopped doing for him. Once he stopped being an ass, after I started taking better care of him as my spouse, I slowly started seeing the real person behind the 'mask' I had painted on him as the bad guy. So, yeah, the feelings can come back. But I doubt your wife will get there without a counselor.

But you can try - get the LB and EN questionnaires from their website and ask her to fill them out so you can learn how you LB her (make her unhappy) and what her top ENs are (so you can meet those needs).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think he means 2 times in the past 9 months.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yes -a marriage is different. The one time I was not completely done was my marriage. We ended up divorced.
> 
> Have to admit, I initially skimmed over your post. Do you mean you'e only had sex 1x in 20 days? How often are you guys having sex?


7 times in two years  last time was July!

Usually 2-4 months between, used to be at least monthly with lots of in between contact.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Another question...

She a couple times has mentioned that I should get a hobby or hang out with friends more. 

Her hobbies are Facebook and gym... she sees friends maybe once a month.


What is she trying to tell me?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She wants more time on facebook to flirt with guys.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> 7 times in two years  last time was July!
> 
> Usually 2-4 months between, used to be at least monthly with lots of in between contact.


You are living in a sexless marriage and have been for some time now. Tell her that you want a sexual relationship with her. If she can't oblige you, then you need to decide whether you are ok with having a sexless marriage til you die or whether you want out. Seems like quite the ultimatum, but in reality: your needs are not being met. A sexless marriage can work ONLY if both parties are fine with it, which clearly, you aren't. I personally would not want to be married to someone who had no interest in having sex with me.

You've already suggested counselling and she refused. Suggest it again and tell her this is absolutely detrimental to your marriage and having adverse effects on you. Has she ever seen a doctor re: her libido/sex drive? Does she have psychological problems? Is she cheating on you? Or does she just not give a f? Either way, she needs to put forth the effort. 



Trying2figureitout said:


> Another question...
> 
> She a couple times has mentioned that I should get a hobby or hang out with friends more.
> 
> ...


She's telling you taht she will deflect your sexless issue onto other things "no sex--uh, get a hobby" because she thinks that will somehow take care of the problem, which it won't. That is entirely ridiculous, IMO.

After mentioning the counselling, doctor, etc and telling her how much this is hurting you and she still isnt' receptive or cares about how you feel, ask her how she would feel if you got a sidepiece. One just to satisfy you sexually. See what she says.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> She wants more time on facebook to flirt with guys.



So how should I handle this?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you have proof she is flirting/sleeping with other men? Or not?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You are living in a sexless marriage and have been for some time now. Tell her that you want a sexual relationship with her. If she can't oblige you, then you need to decide whether you are ok with having a sexless marriage til you die or whether you want out. Seems like quite the ultimatum, but in reality: your needs are not being met. A sexless marriage can work ONLY if both parties are fine with it, which clearly, you aren't. I personally would not want to be married to someone who had no interest in having sex with me.
> 
> You've already suggested counselling and she refused. Suggest it again and tell her this is absolutely detrimental to your marriage and having adverse effects on you. Has she ever seen a doctor re: her libido/sex drive? Does she have psychological problems? Is she cheating on you? Or does she just not give a f? Either way, she needs to put forth the effort.
> 
> ...


So tough love after two years of this is the answer?

I already pretty much stated down that path after six months laying off...I wrote her a letter saying that we would have to talk about us every month until we see where we are heading and that I cannot accept the status quo. Either we get closer or further apart up to separation or divorce. I told her I have another decision point in the future. She's acting nicer and is more talkative.

She agreed to the monthly discussions. I told her they can stop when we are both happy again.

We'll see.


So knowing that,
What is my best course of action apart from being nice, thoughtful and fun...

Go with the flow see how these discussions go or make further demands like counseling?


My hope is we fix things to avoid the talks! I'm sure there is some motivation in that alone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

During your next 'meeting,' you tell her that you have now reached the point where you cannot remain in a marriage without SF - NORMAL SF, not once every 3 or 4 months. Tell her that, if that is what she wants, then you will take steps to separate so that you can find someone who WANTS to participate in what should be in a marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Do you have proof she is flirting/sleeping with other men? Or not?


He hasn't mentioned FB til now, but when you put the two together, it's enough of a red flag that he should be looking at her postings to see if anything is going on.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Thanks,
> 
> Can I ask what turned off your switch and consider divorce?


Constant lying that involved other women. He never had an affair, but the lying was too much for me. He would often yell and blame it on me. He was hardly ever accountable for his actions. It was like being married to a child.



Trying2figureitout said:


> Also if he has changed why are there days where you can't stand him... is it current behavior and/or memories from the past with him?


There are rare moments when the old him seems to resurface. Mostly though, it's my feelings about the past that get in the way. It's hard for me to understand how he could have loved me and treated me the way he did. I'm still the same person so I occasionally wonder if I'm good enough or if we're doomed to repeat the past. That fear keeps my walls up. They're slowly coming down, but it's a very scary thing for me.



Trying2figureitout said:


> Finally is here anything that he could do right now to make it better or is it just YOU... what will it take for him to get out of your dog house?


He's doing everything he can. He's honest even when it may hurt, he has better boundaries in place with women, he is accountable for his actions (rarely immediately, but he's working on it) and he rarely raises his voice. The biggest thing he's done is to remind me that he knows his actions built that wall around my heart slowly, so tearing it down will take time as well. He's never rushed me and understands that rebuilding trust isn't an overnight deal. I don't think either of us are to blame at this point. We're both actively working on the relationship and accept that it's just going to take time.

I want to make it clear that I dont punish him for his past, as that's what I think of when someone mentions the dog house. If your wife is punishing you then I don't see how R is possible. When my H and I started this journey the only promise I made myself was to do no harm. That slowly morphed into trying to repair the relationship. 



Trying2figureitout said:


> Do you think you'll ever recover feelings fully again? Does time heal all wounds?


I'm confident that I'll be in love with him. There are brief moments when I feel it. They're quick to fade, but I think it's a good sign. Time AND ACTION heals all wounds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Do you have proof she is flirting/sleeping with other men? Or not?


I'm 99.9999% no, not as certain on potential "flirting" at the gym or on Facebook


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Another question...
> 
> She a couple times has mentioned that I should get a hobby or hang out with friends more.
> 
> ...



She may feel smothered. In the beginning of our R I felt he was around too much. He was calling and texting constantly. I was still very angry with him and needed him to back off so I could have time to think. He finally listened and it really helped. Try changing your routine a bit. Let her come to you every once in a while.

What is it that you've done that brought you to this point?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you have been doing the SAME THING for 2 years now and nothing has come from it--it's time to make a change.

Seriously. 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Unless you just want to keep "talking" about it and staying stuck in the same situation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> She may feel smothered. In the beginning of our R I felt he was around too much. He was calling and texting constantly. I was still very angry with him and needed him to back off so I could have time to think. He finally listened and it really helped. Try changing your routine a bit. Let her come to you every once in a while.
> 
> What is it that you've done that brought you to this point?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's talking about how he's not getting sex from his wife.Her telling him to get on Facebook and pick up a hobby is not going to resolve the non-sex issue. 

Them talking about it MAY open up the door a little but ACTIONS rule. If they have been having the same chat for 2 years now with no changes, then that says it all. 

Talk is cheap.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> He's talking about how he's not getting sex from his wife.Her telling him to get on Facebook and pick up a hobby is not going to resolve the non-sex issue.
> 
> Them talking about it MAY open up the door a little but ACTIONS rule. If they have been having the same chat for 2 years now with no changes, then that says it all.
> 
> Talk is cheap.


He's talking about not getting sex from his wife because of past issues, which he believes are resolved. It's quite possible that he believes they're resolved and she doesn't, which is why it's important to know what the issues were and how they were fixed. Her telling him to get a hobby is in all likelihood her way of telling him to back off which can help the marriage. No woman wants a man who is constantly at her feet. The sexless issue could be because she's still hurting from some type of betrayal or because she's sick and feels powerful when refusing sex. It would be nice to know the full story so people can better help him. 

I agree that something needs to change. Clearly they're on the wrong path and it's only leading to divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> She may feel smothered. In the beginning of our R I felt he was around too much. He was calling and texting constantly. I was still very angry with him and needed him to back off so I could have time to think. He finally listened and it really helped. Try changing your routine a bit. Let her come to you every once in a while.
> 
> What is it that you've done that brought you to this point?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here's our back story in a nutshell...

Married 18 years, 2 boys, nice house , great families.

Two years ago I was stressed over my job and lack of sex (Over a month between). I drank a little much and would yell at the boys when they messed up. 

One night she gave me the "I love you but am not always in love with you" speech.

I stopped drinking cold turkey that night! Stopped all yelling and became more attentive.

We hugged and she said it would just take time.


----------------

Talks since then...

after it was obvious sex was dwindling more i told her that I needed more (about every 10 days was my ideal maximum drive) she felt lectured to. I would be happy somewhere in the middle at least monthly.

I ask what is it: She says it's her feelings due to the fact that I was inattentive at times she used groceries as an example.. which was ridiculous I always try to carny all the groceries in.

She also said I was self centered, in my little world and said even our friends saw that.... Most say I'm great so I'm not sure where that came from.

If anything it's the pot calling the kettle black as she is doing the exact things she called me out on.

I'm a great husband, we don't fight ever. People think we are the luckiest couple in the world. 

So I've been a model husband for two years , she admits it's no longer me it's all HER. That I can't do anything better.

I've given her space over six months of no talk twice!

So that's where the disappointment sets in.

Sex from 15+ to 5 to 2 in 2011 so far. Seems like we are going the wrong way.

I don't see any "trying" just inaction.

We get along great otherwise. We both work and are successful. We make a good team. Great extended family and home. lots of friends.

Lousy sex life! She's super hot (to me and most other men) and that makes it even harder!
Really boring lately,,,missionary and no kissing. Forget any chance of a BJ.

Lots of pressure knowing it's going to be months again afterward...sucks.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Another question...
> 
> She a couple times has mentioned that I should get a hobby or hang out with friends more.
> 
> ...



It could be genuine concern. My family is constantly telling me to get out more.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Give me space

ILYBINILWY

Goes to gym

Only other activity is FB

No sex

Won't stay up for him but will for the 'girls' night outs' til 2am (read: bars)

kids are getting older 

Looks like red flags to me.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Give me space
> 
> ILYBINILWY
> 
> ...


Add in 1000's of texts (Mostly to communicate with staff at work)

But you know what... I pretty much know she's not cheating. There is no time to and I don't sense anything wrong in that regard.

I think most of her "activities" are to relieve stress, she has a demanding job and needs an outlet. I'm sure she's feeling some stress from our situation as well.

I could be a fool but I don't think it's another man. Although she does have lots of friends and knows everyone.

Red flags for sure... but I don't feel she's cheating at all. Just busy and social. A great mom.
Pretty much lives a busy life and crashes by 8:30pm except for the occasional night out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you at the gym with her? With all those men?

Are you reading her comments on FB? She has time for THAT. That's plenty of time.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Are you at the gym with her? With all those men?
> 
> Are you reading her comments on FB? She has time for THAT. That's plenty of time.


I can go to the gym but not at the times she goes, different work schedules. Many neighbors go at the same time as her so I'm sure they would see if anything weird was going on. I trust her in this regard 100%. I'm sure she talks to guys and gets attention but I'm virtually certain it's all OK.

As for FB it's a lot of general friends, my friends and high school acquaintances. She's kinda immature in that regard. i mean she's 46 seems pretty immature to spend that time. But look at me I'm here.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Constant lying that involved other women. He never had an affair, but the lying was too much for me. He would often yell and blame it on me. He was hardly ever accountable for his actions. It was like being married to a child.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Can I ask a follow up question....

What if he now threatened you with potential divorce after TWO years of trying his hardest(if your situation continues on and you withhold sex) sort of like I did with my wife recently. He insisted on talks like I did.

Would that jump start anything for you? Especially if you knew he was likely serious at that point.

Just curious. 

I mean I did it in a nice way and I've certainly put the time in this relationship repair.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Can I ask a follow up question....
> 
> What if he now threatened you with potential divorce after two years of trying his hardest sort of like I did with my wife recently. He insisted on talks like I did.
> 
> ...


In another year I expect that we'll be in a good marriage. Right now if he asked for a divorce I'd be sad, but I'd accept it and move on. There is no jump starting our R. We see eye to eye and believe slow and steady wins the race. There are visible changes to each of us as time stretches on. 

I am different from your wife though. I have sex with my husband for starters. The first three months of R I only had sex with him during ovulation. It has been increasing in frequency ever since. We're at once a week now. I also wouldn't disrespect him by staying out until 2am. I'm begining to agree with Turnera, there are a lot of red flags.

During R there was a point that I had the urge to cheat on my H. I believe in brutal honesty so I told him. I didn't cheat only because I didn't want to be "one of them." Prior to these new feelings I was like the majority- I thought cheating was dispicable and only the most immoral people would go there. Now I believe that everyone is capable given the right set of circumstances. Sure as hell doesn't make it right, there's no legitimate excuse. Please don't think your wife is immune. Start investigating. 

While you're at it, there are quite a few threads on TAM that refer to manning up. You claim the sex declined before your drinking issue and she's only able to come up with seemingly insignificant tiffs. This makes me think she's fallen out of love and doesnt know the reason. It could be an affair or it could be that you stopped making things interesting. Sometimes a man can spoil his woman a little too much. A man without boundaries is no bueno, my friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Backing off the marriage when it's already sexless is not going to help their sex problem.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> In another year I expect that we'll be in a good marriage. Right now if he asked for a divorce I'd be sad, but I'd accept it and move on. There is no jump starting our R. We see eye to eye and believe slow and steady wins the race. There are visible changes to each of us as time stretches on.
> 
> I am different from your wife though. I have sex with my husband for starters. The first three months of R I only had sex with him during ovulation. It has been increasing in frequency ever since. We're at once a week now. I also wouldn't disrespect him by staying out until 2am. I'm begining to agree with Turnera, there are a lot of red flags.
> 
> ...


Thanks,

My wife is not horrible by any means we do get along great apart from the sex. I do think a lot of it happened as stress built up in my job, then unemployment etc (now I've got a great stress free job)

The yelling at my boys was somewhat of an bad issue but they were knuckleheads and I was stressed out. The boys would be on my side. They see what's happened. They know I didn't do much wrong.

Worse yet was when the boys defended me after she said I didn't play with them enough. I caught her in a few lies and she didn't like that.

My drinking was not out of control but I would try to get a little drunk most nights. Like I said I quit cold turkey and don't miss it.

I think it's a combination of reasons...

Her job and busy never slow down lifestyle
The fact that she's naturally and early to bed person.
I'm too nice and did a lot for her throughout the years. Nice guy syndrome.
She's hitting mid life, maybe menopause.
She grew up a tomboy.
She's social and has many friends to support her ego.
I'm usually very accepting and have never put any limits on her.
I never got a super high paying job so she can quit (although that lifestyle would drive her crazy)
I'm introverted shes extroverted.
She's a serious grudge holder.
We never fought so were due for a BIG ONE.
Never a high sex drive. Like I said we averaged 15-25 over the years.

But everyone has their limit:

I noticed she seems to have gotten the message this time, we'll see. Going to be interesting what each of us have to report to the other next month. At least there is no avoidance of the topic issue now and ongoing.

I'm not going to let her continue to avoid sex by applying direct pressure each month from here on out if she wants to walk the divorce path so be it. At least were moving somewhere rather than nowhere!

She doesn't want to go down the divorce path guaranteed... she's got it good. I'm going to give her another year to come fully around that's it (Up to 12 additional talks if needed). No one is worth this much without some improvements in a key area of life. The acceptance is OVER. The silence is OVER.

My hope is this little exercise makes our marriage stronger!

I'm on of the good guys. She's lucky. If we don't get back to regular good sex at least monthly without fail and some in between intimacy I'll leave her. I'm not asking for much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I can go to the gym but not at the times she goes, different work schedules. Many neighbors go at the same time as her so I'm sure they would see if anything weird was going on. I trust her in this regard 100%. I'm sure she talks to guys and gets attention but I'm virtually certain it's all OK.
> 
> As for FB it's a lot of general friends, my friends and high school acquaintances. She's kinda immature in that regard. i mean she's 46 seems pretty immature to spend that time. But look at me I'm here.


 All it takes is ONE guy at the gym to flirt with her, make her feel beautiful, and WHAM! Suddenly she's filled with what-ifs.

Suddenly she turns around and looks at you and thinks what the hell am I doing with THAT? I've got hot gym dudes hitting on me, and here I've got this drunk who ignores me, never appreciates me, and didn't provide for me. 

And then she starts going out with girlfriends to clubs where MORE guys hit on her, hoping she'll get drunk enough for sex, telling her whatever she wants to hear.

Zip. The sleeping bag is closed, and you're not invited. Whether she's acting on it or not, you no longer stack up.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> All it takes is ONE guy at the gym to flirt with her, make her feel beautiful, and WHAM! Suddenly she's filled with what-ifs.
> 
> Suddenly she turns around and looks at you and thinks what the hell am I doing with THAT? I've got hot gym dudes hitting on me, and here I've got this drunk who ignores me, never appreciates me, and didn't provide for me.
> 
> ...


So what do you suggest I do? 
BTW I've been sober two years and I'm pretty good looking for a guy. I appreciate her.

Call her out on that because you are likely right in some regard. Go the divorce route to push her further?
Or give her some more time and see what happens now with the talks?

How much more time should I give her to figure a solution out?

She's in a stressful time at work through the holidays, I have a heart. i do love her.

Divorce route would suck big time. It's stupid since everything else is great. 
I'm willing to sacrifice one more year if needed of my life to solve this... 
Keep the kids lives intact.

Guess I answered my question... she's got a year to get back to normal relations and cease the monthly talks about our marriage.

Criteria for ceasing monthly talks... We both report a happy marriage.
Hope it doesn't take that long!

Is that a good plan ladies? What are the odds of success?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't stop the talks. In fact, the more you talk the better. Gotta get her more comfortable talking to you. 

Do the LB and EN questionnaires, both of you. Find out what makes her tick, but make sure she knows what makes YOU tick. Do NOT step back and swallow your own needs. Doormats are NOT attractive and women fall out of love with them. Start telling her what you need and start expecting her to meet those needs. If she flat out refuses, give her a consequence, such as 180. 

At the same time, monitor her for a while; check her phone calls and make sure you know who she's calling and texting. Either review who she contacts or get a keylogger installed on her computer. For a month. If you find nothing suspicious after that month, stop monitoring and focus on other aspects of your marriage.

Push for some sort of counselor. Start to make her understand that you will NOT accept the status quo. She HAS to understand that you will not stay in the marriage as it is. Let her sweat it a little; she won't start caring if you're happy until she realizes you have one foot out the door.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Don't stop the talks. In fact, the more you talk the better. Gotta get her more comfortable talking to you.
> 
> Do the LB and EN questionnaires, both of you. Find out what makes her tick, but make sure she knows what makes YOU tick. Do NOT step back and swallow your own needs. Doormats are NOT attractive and women fall out of love with them. Start telling her what you need and start expecting her to meet those needs. If she flat out refuses, give her a consequence, such as 180.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your advice... I want to give her every opportunity to save this marriage.


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