# please help me..i don't understand or know what to do



## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

ok its a long story but i feel like if i don't tell it all then i won't get the advice that i desperateley need. my husband is 20 yrs i am 21 yrs and we are exactly a year apart we met at job corps in oct 07' i was over 200lbs when he met me. he cheated on me once at job corps but didn't tell me until after i left job corps to come live with him and his family. march of 08' i lost around 40 lbs. because his family couldn't afford to eat and his mom was strict about when and what and how much we were eating. me and him were tryng to have a baby and i think the drmatic weight loss allowed me to conceive. i went from 240 t0 265 when/while i was pregnant and the whole time i was pregnant i was the one who didn't want to have sex, he was always horny then but it was my hormones making me not want to. when i was 7 mos pregnant (dec 08') we got married. and on march 12 09' i had a beautiful little girl. since i had my baby i felt weird like my husband didn't want or love me anymore. he acted like having sex with me was a chore and something he did not want to do. and then when we did he would not look at me and it was almost like he was trying to get it over with as fast as he could so he wouldn't have to do it again for a while. well when the cable bill came(on the day i got the internet turned on) i found that on the day i was in the hospital having our little girl when he told me he was going home that night to get a bite to eat he was at home watching porn(something i am not ok with because i feel like this if he can look at other woman and lust on them and get off on them it is the same as cheating so he may as well be doing them forreal cuz thats basically what he's wanting to do) and kept he watching porn every other night while i was asleep. i thought i was going to lose my mind. I dont like him watching porn he knows i will never look like those girls and it makes me feel inadequate and less of a woman that he would rather watch that and masterbate than be with me(his wife). he said he was addicted to it and that is just someting he is used to doing. i cried my eyes out a whole day in the bed and he said "sorry"...well,a week later porn ended up on the browsing history of the computer i asked him about it and he said he was just watching it to see if he got aroused.(lying to me because he ended up fessing up later that he was masterbating again) and i started to get a gut feeling::my husband is not attracted to me:: i told him AGAIN it hurts me that he would neglect me and watch some girls rather than be my husband and take care of both our needs at once. well the other night i went to work and when i came home the browsing history was deleted. i asked him what happened and he lied saying he dropped the computer. but i knew better by his ansy behavior trying to devert my attention to anything but the internet or computer. so i sat him down and i let him know that i was going to recover the missing files and he really needed to come clean before i found out anything. he admitted to watching the movies and said he was just watching them to learn new things for us. i snapped. i really lost my mind i called him a liar because he i knew he was lying because i already told him if he wants to watch porn for that then he wouldn't have a problem with watching it with me like i have aldready offered to do to spice up our sex lives..and if that were really the reason he would have told me he wanted to watch it to get some new moves and he wouldn't have so desperately tried to hide it from me {again} WELL I ENDED UP TAKING MY WEDDING RINGS OFF AND TOLD HIM THAT I HOPED HE WAS HAPPY WITH THE DESICION HE MADE BECAUSE IT COST HIM HIS MARRIAGE AND FAMILY. THeN WHEN HE STILL HAD NOTHING TO SAY I TOLD HIM I HATE HIM (NOT MEANING IT BUT IN ANGER) HE DIDN'T CRY HE SHOWED LITTLE OR NO REMORSE OR REGRET FOR HURTING ME OR THAT HE WAS ABOUT TO LOSE ME. i demanded the truth. and he gave it to me::. HE TOLD ME HE WATCHES PORN BECAUSE HE"S NOT ATTRACTED TO ME. IN HIS WORDS NO IM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU AND SOMETIMES IT HURTS TO HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.""YOU KNOW YOU DON'T LOOK NOTHING LIKE THEM GIRLS, YOU'RE FAT."HELL HALF THE GIRLS IN THIS NEIBORHOOD GOT YOU. YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T SKINNY. YOU WANTED THE TRUTH THOUGH AND THE TRUTH HURTS" he said he loves me and i have a pretty face but he is not attracted to me. so this is someone that i married. someone that promised and told me so many times he loves me as i am but now he doesn't.BASICALLY TELING ME WE COULD BE FRIENDS AND LIVE TOGETHER BUT NOT HAVE ANY ROMANTIC OR SEXUAL CONNECTION. WE JUST HANG OUT AND HAPPEN TO HAVE A BABY TOGETHER....im lost...im hurt and i don't even look at him the same now that i know how he REALLY feels about me. and to top it off in the last 3 days i havent eaten and ive been drinking water water water to fill me up. i feel like my spirit is broken and i don't know what to do about my marriage or my daughter.what does this mean? will i ever feel the way i did before about him?? im so worried that i can't work past it. and what do i do if i can't? will i have to tell him and explain to him the same way he explained to me. I LOVE YOU BUT IM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU ANYMORE, SINCE YOU TOLD ME HOW YOU REALLY SEE ME I JUST DON'T SEE YOU AS THE SAME PERSON I MARRIED. then what?? do we get a divorce? do we stay in the same home for our daughter? do i just not tell him the way i feel at all? i know he'd take it the wrong way anyway.. THE WORDS KEEP PLAYING OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD LIKE A BROKEN RECORD...AND LIKE SAID I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BE WITH HIM ANYMORE BECAUSE WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS NOT THE SAME.....IT WASN'T LIKE MAKING LOVE OR EVEN HAVING SEX..I CRIED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING ****ED BY A COMPLETE STRANGER WITH NO LOVE OR FEELINGS IN IT. I AM UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND HIM. I DON'T WANT HIM TO SEE ME NAKED ANYMORE. AND HERE'S A GOOD LAUGH 4 DAYS AGO HE ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO GIVE ZANIAH A BROTHER OR SISTER...HA ****ING RIGHT....and to top it off he isn't even worried that our marriage is over he keeps telling me if i got him an xbox 360 with games to keep him occupied none of this would happen or have happened. WHAT DOES him having an xbox have anything to do with him being attracted to me or our marriage HE KEEPS saying " he's bored " but why would i invest 600+ dollars in a game system for him to have entertainment while i go to work bust my ass to pay bills for him to sit at home do nothing but play video games and make me feel like im not good enough for him...where is the sense in that?? why would i do that?so yeah i think my marriage is in the toilet...and really i think im the only one that cares..like right now it's 1am and i can't even sleep in the same bed as him...but he can go to sleep knowing that im up stressed out...HE DOESNT CARE. HE DOESN"T want to talk about it. he always tells me he's nothing like any of my ex's- he's so wrong::he's just like them..all of my exe's did me wrong in so many different ways but they ALL did one thing in common: MAdE ME FEEL LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM.AND ALL OF THEM DID AN EQUALLY GOOD JOB OF IT. BUT I THINK HE'S DOING THE BEST JOB OF IT BECAUSE HE REALLY MADE ME THINK HE REALLY LOVED ME FOR ME. HE REALLY HAD ME GOING. IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW I WOULD NEVVVVERRR HAVE MARRIED HIM OR GOT PREGNANT I WOULD HAVE LET HIM LEAVE ME GET WITH SOME SKINNY CHICK THAT WOULDN'T PUT UP WITH HIM AND LET HIM GET HURT AND CHEATed ON AND PROBABLY AND STD OR TWO BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF THEM WOULD BE FAITHFUL..AND I WOULD HAVE WAITED FOR THE REAL PERSON THAT WOULD WANT ME AND THINK MY BACK FAT AND JIGGLY BITS WERE SEXY...NOT DISGUSTING.... I REALLY WOULDN'T MIND YOUR THOUGHTS OR OPINIONS..WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT WERE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND/wife..IF tHEy EVER TOLD YOU YOU WERE TOO FAT FOR them AND IT MADE them NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU...BECAUSE YOU DON'T TURN them ON...WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU COULDN'T SEE THE MAN YOU MARRIED ANYMORE AND INSTEAD SAW THE REAL MAN THAT YOU MARRIED...?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

eaustin87 said:


> WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU COULDN'T SEE THE MAN YOU MARRIED ANYMORE AND INSTEAD SAW THE REAL MAN THAT YOU MARRIED...?


Cry, a lot. that's what i did. i think for about two years straight that's all i did was cry myself to sleep- when i did sleep which wasnt often. i was so depressed. I worked at a gym and one of the elderly ladies, who was so sweet, came up to me and told me i looked awful (in a nice grandmotherly sort of way). She told me to take care of myself. 

My H was/is into porn. he's never flat out told me he's not attracted to me but i feel it whenever im around him. it is heartbreaking. all the lies and the deceit. its one of the most painful things ive ever gone through. 

Hang in there and get some counseling. It is painful, but you can work through it and gain confidence in yourself again. im working on that last part myself. its hard, and its a painful road, but just know you arent alone.


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

Blancas right on crying.. Cry everytime u need too.. dont let it bottle up inside.. other emotions will be just as strong from rage & anger frustration.. so vent alot ... even if u have to vent here everyday indefinetly.. you will always feel hurt over his actions & remember his painful words .. but getting the initial shock out of your system with following your emotions thru tears & anger will help you heal faster ...

Its really easy to beleive someones words when there negative & so hard when there positive ?? weird that way and you have to work extra hard to overcome the negative & it coming from the person whos vowed to love you and forsake you above all others is devastating .. I have a "Bad" habit of being too blunt and my words sound so final when Im angered .. reading your thread has me fighting with my instinct to say what I would be feeling in your shoes .. If this were me experiencing that kind of cruelty and undeserved attack from my partner/husband Id react & follow thru with Its over.. I would tell him to exit and if he didnt I would.. I could never bring myself to sleep or be intimate with him again .. It would be like a light switch .. he turned on with those nasty words those arent the usual words one can get past in arguments those are Life stinging destructive to your whole system words.. you probally would have rather been beaten physically than to endure hearing them ... I know I would .. Its done & said and apologys etc wont erase there damage to you.. but you yourself can move forward and devote time to yourself for healing and Im sorry even if one winds up alone it would be Bliss when compared to the the other option of being trampled on... Ughhhhhhhhh I hope whatever you do You dont reward him with any intimacy ..Reward yourself with a councelor to help you move past him... HE DOESNT DESERVE TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE.. you should Take the xbox money and put it towards healing yourself ..


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

thank you all so much for your answers they have somewhat helped me find what exactly i need to do for me...i have tried expressing to my h that the dage he has done to my self esteem and emotions towards him are irriversable and he confrontedme yesterday as to why i am not speaking to him and refuse to let him see ma naked and he said "he can't take much more of it" but i asked him how he would feel if i told him he was too skinny and his penis did not size to my liking,deprived him of his needs and was instead looking at pornypics of large penises and hard bodies instead of being with him, and if when we were intimate i had a "areyou finished yet?" attitude about it...needless to say he keeps telling me he wishes he could take it back and change his remark to a suggestion that i need to lose weight... but i stil can't see the same person that i married...it hurts to even sleep next to him(when i can sleep) and i think my self esteem bottomed out yesterday when i ate only one small salad all day and found myself vomiting afterwards because i felt like i had "over-eaten".Today was a little different..i feel allmost like saying to hell with it...but my heart is having a REALLY hard time listening to my head...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

eaustin87 said:


> i am not speaking to him and refuse to let him see ma naked and he said "he can't take much more of it"


i did this too, not letting my H see me naked. and once i looked up really hot guys and used one of them as my screen saver. he never noticed. its pretty hard to get even. i went to some pretty far extremes to try and make him get how i felt. it actually never worked and i just ended up losing my mind.


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

yeah been there did that...he's really interested in what ive been writing and saying to others and i think more it upsets him that everyone is telling me to end it...and that it maes no sense to beat a dead horse but...weighed in today in 4 days i have lost 15 lbs...so maybe if he gets what he wants "all of a sudden " me and my new hot body will have a problem with his skinny scrauny bod and he will have to see what its like...but i have to be in the position to be able to critisize...lol =) revenge is coming


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

eaustin87 said:


> me and my new hot body will have a problem with his skinny scrauny bod and he will have to see what its like...but i have to be in the position to be able to critisize...lol =) revenge is coming


lol. ya, im big on revenge myself. good for you for losing weight. but be careful about using negative stimulus as a motivation, though. it can back fire rarely harshly.


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

yeah...well i was not FAT and have always carried my weight well because of weightliflting and sports but...i can't wait for the day i really can't and like i said right now he is so ticked because i am on here telling others our problems, but i laugh because he won't talk about it without etting angry beause i tell him about himself... and he's SO ANGRY because i told him i was not going to invest any money in a gaming syatem that he would take with hi if we can't fix our marriage first...so marriage then fun...not the other way round


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

eaustin87 said:


> he is so ticked because i am on here telling others our problems, but i laugh because he won't talk about it without etting angry beause i tell him about himself...


Ya, my H hates that I come on here, too. they wont talk to ya, but they dont want you talkin' to anyone else. 

i dont know if this was already asked, but have you two considered counseling?


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

hahahahahaha i mentioned counceling and he said not a chance... so this can go on forever....don't bother me a bit anymore ima dddooo meee!!!


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