# Wife of 23 years wants space and is moving out. Help please!



## MarkH (Feb 8, 2021)

Hello to all of you.

I really hope you can help me with some much needed advice and help. I really am completely lost right now.

I am a 49 year old man living in Australia. I have been married to my partner for 23 years and have two amazing teenage boys one of which is 18 and the other 15 years of age.

I am going to be completely honest in my post in the hope that some of you out there will have knowledge for what I need to do here. 

I will start by saying that I suffer with anxiety and depression and have done for most of my life. My childhood was extremely painful with sexual abuse from my mother when I was 9 years of age along with a whole heap of emotional abuse from her which has continued to this day. I was born and raised in the UK. My parents wanted a boy and after having two girls and then two further miscarriages, I was born. After this brief sexual abuse, I was sent to boarding school at the age of 13 years which I absolutely hated. I would plead with my parents to bring me back home every day especially being that the school bus stopped directly outside of their house at the time, so it was very easy for me to commute. Regardless, I was told that boarding school was my place during my high school years as it would give me the education I needed to succeed in life. Whilst at boarding school, I was again sexually abused by a student at the age of 13 and then again was punched, beaten up and sexually abused by four kids as a group at the age of 15 years which certainly took its toll. I hated school and was only allowed home on a Saturday morning to stay one night before returning back on the Sunday night ready for the next week. At times, I did anything to not go back even at one point trying to beat myself up physically so that I could stay home. After leaving school, my family interfered with every friendship and relationship I had. Nothing was good enough ever. I was engaged to a girl who after 12 months decided that she couldn't take my family anymore and left. I then met my soul mate and being that she was Australian, we both moved here back in 1998 where we have been ever since.The emotional abuse has continued over the phone but over the last five years and with old age, my parents don't really interfere anymore. I do call every few weeks to check on them but that is all. 

There have been many trust issues with my marriage it has to be said to the point where now it's the final straw for my wife who I love dearly. Can I say that I have not had an affair and nor have I ever been abusive towards her in any way. I am completely the OPPOSITE of that. I clean, cook, run a business and provide for my family which I am extremely proud of. Those that know me would say that I am a fun, caring person who is over generous! My family have never wanted for anything. Sure, we have gone through the same arguments and quarrels that any marriage has but my team of health care professionals have basically come back and told me that my brain searches for a chemical called 'Dopamine' which has led me to gamble, go to a strip club over a 2 week period whilst keeping this from my wife. Apparently this all stems from my childhood but the decisions I have made over the years have been mine and mine alone. I have been really good for the last 4 years and my meds have been stable to keep me level. Back in October, I told my psychiatrist that I was feeling really low because of Covid, my father being diagnosed with Parkinsons Dementia and a range of other stresses. He decided to alter my meds to try and elevate my mood however this sent me completely spiralling out of control and again my trust issues reared up again which leads me to where we are today. My wife caught me out again and now she has said that she needs to leave and have some space to think. She says that she doesn't know how she is going to trust me again.

All of this came about only six weeks ago so it's all fairly new. She has already found a place to go to and she is taking her dog and horse to a property only 10 mins away from here for a period of at least six months...maybe even more. I will stay here to look after the house and run the business from home as well as care for the other animals on the property as well as having share custody of our 15 year old boy who we both love dearly. My other eldest boy is 18 and so he comes and goes as he pleases. My wife will move out on the 10th of April and until then we remain living together as friends.

I have tried talking to my wife and have asked for her forgiveness but this time, she is broken. Five weeks ago, she told me that there wasn't a chance of a 'romantic relationship' and believe me when I say that she was firm on that. My health team have since explained why some of my issues have arisen to both of us but she has simply lost all trust at this point. I am absolutely heart broken and have sobbed and sobbed most days but I know that this has been my fault.

I am receiving counselling and my wife is also seeing somebody about this for the first time next week. She needs help too and has had her own childhood issues too although nothing like my own. We are both totally spent and go day to day not knowing what to say or do. The good thing is that we are very amicable, we haven't been fighting at all, no raised voices even. After the dust has settled, I still am cooking and we both are in the same bed together watching tv and sleeping even though we now wear clothes to sleep in of course. We both work together in the business too which complicates things. We are managing but every time I look at her, I regret so much and feel totally lost.

My big dilemma is this. Last Friday, my wife told me of the place that she was moving to and I of course went into mega fear knowing that this was probably the move that will break us for good. To think I have lost her is simply unquestionable and if I am honest she seems to have moved on when she is out with others even though this might be a front of how she really feels. Then two days ago, we went out for dinner together and after having a few too many wines, SHE made a move on me totally out of the blue and we slept together. I didn't know whether to stop this or not but it felt really right at the time. After that, she told me that she still loved me and had feelings for me and we fell asleep in each others arms. The next day however she told me that she was even more confused now but nothing had changed and she is still leaving in April to have her space as a trial separation. I literally went back to where I was 6 weeks ago and I have no friends to talk to about this. My anxiety levels are through the roof and I am just so tired. My wife said to me today and her words were:

_"I do understand that it is not a character floor of yours and the science behind why things happen but I need to work through how I feel about all of it and how I can learn to trust again. It is a long road for both of us and I honestly don’t know what the future holds but I agree that beyond anything else we will always be the best of friends and that we will be there for each other and our boys._

_For now it is up to each of us to sort ourselves out as individuals and then see what comes thereafter. I am genuinely so sorry that I can’t be any clearer at this point but I am living each day in a fog, just like you are and taking it a bit at a time. I am very grateful that we are both the kinds of people who only want the best for each other, things could be so very different which would be awful. I do still have feelings for you, that doesn’t just turn off and I do think this could be a good thing in the long run. Let's just see where the road takes us."_

My issue is that I also know she has told everybody that we are going through a separation and that it was my fault. We live in a small town and so I am constantly worried about what others now think of me. I shouldn't let that worry me I know but it's hard especially hone my wife receives texts from friends and quickly deletes them in case I find what has been said. 

I don't know which way to turn and now I am even questioning whether she is being honest with me. I have thoughts that she does know she wants to end this but is letting me down gently because of my depression issues? Maybe that is just in my head though?

Any helpful suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated. I know it's easy to say you dont know what you have lost until it's gone but that is so true in my case. I love my wife so much and I completely see that she has major trust issues with me. A lot of the things she tells me she worries about simply haven't happened but in her head, there is no changing. She has a wall that shoots up whenever there is conflict and getting this back down is actually impossible. My health team have seen this too but this all goes back to her childhood too. Her dad was physically abusive towards her mum and this along with other events has made her have some armour that can be hard to get past. As I say, I am not that way AT ALL and nor am I abusive to her in any way...never have been and never will be. It's just trust and manipulation I suppose that has led to this. If we do split, I will be lost, we will have to sell our property, sell the business and move on with our lives in rental accomodation I suppose but I am just in panic mode and that thought terrifies me.

This has flawed me and I have promised that nothing like this will happen again. She is my best friend and she has said that I am hers too but I fear that is all this is now. How long do I give this before I decide it's too hard? Part of me says it would be kinder to just let her go completely and we both move on but then I am not giving her the time she wants to think about if she really wants this again. She says she can't see a future with us romantically but that obviously isn't the case from the other day even if it was alcohol induced. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Hoping to get some comments soon.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Man I feel bad for you assuming you are telling the truth and have never cheated, but your wife probably sees the strip clubs as a form of cheating, and maybe she is right. Also going back on your word and doing it again may have just crushed the love she has for you and changed her feelings for you. Being hurt over and over kills love.

I mean the history of sexual abuse that you suffered as a kid at least makes it somewhat understandable. Just terrible. Can I ask if your wife just found out about that?

Again I can read the desperation in your post, but if she is done she is done.

For now work on getting better, (and KEEPING YOUR WORD). Accept that she has the right to make this choice, and concentrate on your kids.

One thing you can do is get some ground rules. Like there will be no dating other people, or talking on the phone with guy friends from work, generally trying out her options and if there is you will divorce her then an there. And you would still be considered cheating. If she wants to date or test out someone else then she can divorce you. You expect her to protect the marriage while she is married, all the rules are still in place. And I would be firm on that. 

Now I would give her a few weeks but then I think you should start to dialog about this.

What exactly does she expect you to do while she figures it out? You understand she need to heal but that doesn't mean you are going to live in limbo forever. You expect her to tell you when things are changing as you have no intention of just waiting around without any idea what she is thinking. This would be very unfair to you.

I mean if it were me and my spouse told me she needed to figure herself out I would tell her she can do it as a single women, but then again I would also not do what you did. She is very hurt and you should respect that but there will come a point where you should have an idea where this is going and you may need to break away to move on.

You don't know what the future holds, but it will get better I promise.

One other thing, check your phone bill for numbers you don't recognize. Gotta be safe.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Like already mentioned, your wife could just be done. Mental illness or not, and childhood issues or not, everyone gets to decide where their line is. I do wonder if she is just trying to slowly peel off the bandaid, though. 

Where did your wife come up with this plan for the trial separation? There are situations that call for it but generally, trial separations do not work. It is very difficult to fix the marriage if you are not under the same roof. In your situation, your wife may want proof that you are working on things and improving. Has she said what she needs you to do, and are you doing it? If yes, she may need time to see that the changes are permanent. Anyone can fake change for a while, she may need to see 6+ months of commitment to fixing these issues. 

The next issue is deciding on rules for the separation. There must be rules and you need to have a game plan. Will you both see other people? If so, just divorce now. How often will you communicate? How will you communicate? When does the separation end? Yes, there needs to be an end date and it's _usually_ 3 months or less (depending on the reason for separation) not 9+ months. You need to have a reevaluation date as a couple, and you also need one of your own. You cannot hang onto this forever. 

You should also be in weekly marriage counseling. If she doesn't want to put ANY effort into this, then it's not a trial separation it's slowly peeling off the bandaid. If your wife came up with this plan on her own, then I would want it reevaluated. At the very least it should be done with the guidance of her therapist, but ideally with a marriage therapist. 

You need to stay on your medications and you need to stay in therapy to work on your childhood issues. Medication alone is not enough. I would also maybe look for a second opinion on your diagnosis. Having a sudden period of risky behavior (in this case, gambling and sex-related activities) for two weeks and later on having another "episode" triggered later on after starting anti-depressants could come with a bipolar diagnosis. There are no rules really on how often someone cycles and the diagnosis only requires one manic or hypomanic episode. Proper treatment is important and if you do have bipolar some medications can be disastrous, as you've already figured out. 

As much as it sucks, you would be wise to make sure another man isn't in the picture. Do not say "my wife would never do that!". Pretty sure every betrayed person on the planet has said that about their spouse. Do not go accusing her of things but just look at your phone bill, look at her phone (you already mentioned she's deleting texts, red flag), etc. It would be impossible to fix your marriage if another man is in it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Let her go.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Separation from my personal experience translated into I need space to bang POSOM. However, that may not be the case in your situation. I feel for you going through this. My question is simple. Does your wife know about the abuse?

Regardless of what happens, please seek the best mental health professional help. Ask about EMDR. It is used for PTSD, and the trauma you mention makes me think this could possibly be an underlying undiagnosed issue.









What is EMDR? - EMDR Institute - EYE MOVEMENT DESENSITIZATION AND REPROCESSING THERAPY


Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with



www.emdr.com





Check out the above link. If you have not gone this route, please explore with a medical professional this option.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I see her wanting to separate.
I see why.
I do.

She does love you, but you are bad for her.
She knows this in her heart.
She feels immense guilt. An admirable thing.

You are someone, that she (more than) wants, but knows you are bad for her mental well-being.
You are that old habit to her, one that refuses to [thus, cease-shush].

By moving out, she will be trying to break away from you.
To break the harmful bond.

To stop seeing you, NOT COLD-TURKEY, but rather, warm-motherly.

I feel sorry for you.
I feel sorry for your wife.

Life is hard, stays hard.
Um.

Good luck, mate.

........................................................................

I wrote the above, (with what was presented) thinking there are no more shoes to drop, and no secrets waiting to be unveiled.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We are, have become cautious with our early advice.
All about us, and our posters here, are currents, airs, not yet detected.
I feel none of those.

Yet.


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