# Dan Savage Fan - Wife is indifferent



## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

I've been reading Dan Savage since he started in '91 I think. Now I listen to his podcasts and enjoy them a lot. My wife on the other hand couldn't care less. She has less than zero interest in sex advice, even if it's entertaining. One thing that comes up frequently is being GGG which obviously she is not.

Does the fact that she has no interest in this stuff matter? Is being GGG important in a long term relationship? I feel this is another example of how little I have in common with her.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

What does GGG mean?

I'd love to offer you my thoughts if they might help. The trouble is I don't know what your acronym usage represents.

I don't expect you to know the following acronyms that I used to use in previous employ for example like OCOKA, MCOO & DSO. So I don't think it's helpful to always presume others know what you mean when you choose to use acronyms.

OCOKA – Observation and fields of fire, concealment and cover, obstacles, key terrain and decisive terrain, and avenues of approach)

MCOO – Modified combined obstacle overlay

DSO – Decision Support Overlay

As to liking Dan Savage (whom I have never heard of until today), I don't see why it matters that your wife has no interest in his opinion.

Cheers.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, are you looking for reasons to leave your wife? Is there perhaps a female friend with whom you do seem to have more in common? If not, I'm wondering why this is a problem. I presume there must be real issues in your sex life to bring you to this forum. But this isn't one. 

I'm not a Howard Stern fan, nor do I enjoy listening to Clark Howard. That doesn't mean I lack a sense of humor or can't manage my finances. I just don't really care one way or another about listening to those guys. They - as opposed to the topics they cover - are not really on my radar. If I were dating someone who was a devotee of either gentleman - or Dan Savage for that matter - I wouldn't think it was my job to get into listening to their podcasts. Nor would I expect my partner to be all about listening to or watching the things I enjoy.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

yes, pray tell.

what is GGG?

now you got us curious.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

had to look it up. Ah, the internet!

"GGG is a term coined by sex columnist Dan Savage to represent the qualities that he thinks makes a good sexual partner. GGG stands for 'good, giving, and game.’ Think 'good in bed,' 'giving of equal time and equal pleasure,' and 'game for anything—within reason.'" We know from previous research that people who are more motivated to respond to their partner’s needs (high in communal strength) report higher relationship satisfaction and feel more intrinsic joy after making a sacrifice for their partner"


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## wayword (Aug 26, 2014)

Personal said:


> What does GGG mean?
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


GGG refers to 'Good, Giving, and Game', how an ideal partner should approach sex. More details here at his wikipedia page. 

I think the reason it matters is because OP sees it as an example of his partner's lack of interest in sex and sexual themes. 

OP, does she express interest in anything else sexual? Does she read, write, or watch erotica? Is she sensual (not necessarily sexual) at all? Different people express their sexuality differently; the key might be meeting her where she is, wherever that might be. She doesn't like Dan Savage, but that doesn't mean she might not like something else. At some point you will need to talk with her to find out where /what that is, too. Good sex doesn't 'just happen'. Both parties need to feel safe and emotionally open enough to communicate needs and desires, and then do so, even it's awkward. 

Good luck!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's useless for someoen to tell you how your wife is supposed to be.
Has he told you how you are supposed to be?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

She doesn't have to care for Dan Savage. I'm quite sure not everyone does.

I think the point was that OP wife is not interested that much in sex. I have the same problem, it's very difficult to get DH to say anything about sex. Doesn't want to talk about it before, during, after. Most the me prefers sleep to sex. Has no fantasies, puts sex out of his mind as soon as he O' s.

And of course it makes a difference long term. I think a lot of us are with delightful people who just aren't that sexual. Like me, many ended up here looking for some way to deal with the disinterest. Thinking perhaps our situations could be healed. When you start to realize it can't a process starts - should I stay or should I go. Part of that is asking these questions, in my opinion. Is it important, am I being unreasonable, is the problem me?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I LOVE the Savage Lovecast - big fan here. I don't think her disinterest in Dan is bad, per se, but I think being GGG is important in a long term relationship, especially if you're going to be monogamous. This is the one person you can have sex with so it's only fair that they make an effort to make sure you are sexually satisfied.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

what the heck is it with you guys and all these abbreviations? is this like your secret decoder ring?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

This is obviously much bigger than whether the two of you like to listen to the same sex columnist. 

Why not create a thread that's actually dealing with your real issues? You're likely to get much more real help that way.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

wayword said:


> OP, does she express interest in anything else sexual? Does she read, write, or watch erotica? Is she sensual (not necessarily sexual) at all?


She doesn't express anything sexual or sensual in nature ever. A few years ago she watched erotica with me once but she says she doesn't like it. She did read 50 Shades since it was discussed at her college but she wouldn't discuss anything with me apart from a few generic statements.



wayword said:


> Different people express their sexuality differently; the key might be meeting her where she is, wherever that might be.


I don't there is any sexuality there though. That's the conundrum for me.



wayword said:


> She doesn't like Dan Savage, but that doesn't mean she might not like something else. At some point you will need to talk with her to find out where /what that is, too.


I can safely say there is no interest on her part as far as sexuality goes.



wayword said:


> Good sex doesn't 'just happen'. Both parties need to feel safe and emotionally open enough to communicate needs and desires, and then do so, even it's awkward.
> Good luck!


The issue is that she has no needs in terms of sexuality. I'd love to communicate and be emotionally open with her. I've asked in the past many times but at this point it's fairly obvious that there are more important things in her life. In fact I would say anything is more important to her than sexuality and sensuality.

We do have sex a couple of times per week but it's so monotonous. There is no effort apart from bringing the condom.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> I think the point was that OP wife is not interested that much in sex. I have the same problem, it's very difficult to get DH to say anything about sex. Doesn't want to talk about it before, during, after. Most the me prefers sleep to sex. Has no fantasies, puts sex out of his mind as soon as he O' s.
> 
> And of course it makes a difference long term. I think a lot of us are with delightful people who just aren't that sexual. Like me, many ended up here looking for some way to deal with the disinterest. Thinking perhaps our situations could be healed. When you start to realize it can't a process starts - should I stay or should I go. Part of that is asking these questions, in my opinion. Is it important, am I being unreasonable, is the problem me?


You hit the nail on the head. I couldn't have said it better myself. That's the crux of the issue for me.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

jaquen said:


> This is obviously much bigger than whether the two of you like to listen to the same sex columnist.
> 
> Why not create a thread that's actually dealing with your real issues? You're likely to get much more real help that way.


You're right but I wouldn't know where to put it. The real issues involve way more than just sex. So I figured I'd open separate posts for specific issues even if they are not important in the grand scheme of things.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

As a Dan Savage listener, you're also aware of what he says about significant sexual disconnect in a marriage - IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. 

He won't even field questions about the topic on the air because there is no point. You married someone who has little or no sexual self. Welcome to the club. Learn to live with it or move on, but under no circumstances should you expect it to change, and anyone who tells you that you have more than a miniscule chance of fixing the problem is doing you a disservice.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

On the topic of expecting things to change - I don't fault anyone (including myself) for assuming sex would get better after marriage as two people became more used to each other. 

In retrospect, of course, a lot of us went to a hamburger restaurant and got mad when we couldn't order pizza.

However, I've said this before - I expected everything in our marriage to improve after marriage. I expected we would get better jobs, get real furniture, find financial stability, buy a house, all that stuff. If I came on here saying my Dh made 17k when we got married (which is true) and 20 years later he's still making 17k and I have a problem with it - I would not expect to be told I got what I married and what did I expect. 

Having said all that of course I do know better now. Some things in life can be changed and some cant. I have come to believe over time - if you are gay you are gay. Can't be changed. (Just as an example). Most sexual things have a set point, I believe. The very best you can do in a mismatch is to get the lower drive spouse to compromise because they care about you. However this is not what most of us want. Most of us want to see our passion and desire for intimacy mirrored in our spouse. That is not at all the same thing as a spouse having to meet you half way. However it might make the situation bearable, I don't know. It seemed to work for me a year ago but now it's not.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> On the topic of expecting things to change - I don't fault anyone (including myself) for assuming sex would get better after marriage as two people became more used to each other.
> 
> In retrospect, of course, a lot of us went to a hamburger restaurant and got mad when we couldn't order pizza.
> 
> ...


Excellent post MS!

The bolded part... At the ver least, sex with out spouse should be a shared, loving, fun and fulfilling experience. And when it's not, there is a problem. A problem, not a character trait or an orientation. 

I think you MS, should lay on the bed and have your husband attend to you with enthusiasm. And when you've had your fill, get up and walk away allowing him a moment to take care of himself!

Please please please please do this some day!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hey, Cletus is back! I take it your update isn't going to be positive?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Hey, Cletus is back! I take it your update isn't going to be positive?


I'm sorry, due to the intractable nature of mismatched sexual desire in marriages, we do not take those questions on the air.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Anon Pink said:
> 
> 
> > Hey, Cletus is back! I take it your update isn't going to be positive?
> ...


Woo Hoo! Since I am charmed by your wit, I'm selfishly glad you're back. On the other hand, I'm sorry to read that those questions can't be taken on the air.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Cletus said:


> As a Dan Savage listener, you're also aware of what he says about significant sexual disconnect in a marriage - IT DOES NOT GET BETTER.
> 
> He won't even field questions about the topic on the air because there is no point. You married someone who has little or no sexual self. Welcome to the club. Learn to live with it or move on, but under no circumstances should you expect it to change, and anyone who tells you that you have more than a miniscule chance of fixing the problem is doing you a disservice.


That's very true about his advice. However in my case it actually did get better in a way. Before we went to a couples counselor a few years ago we had sex once every few months. Now we have sex a couple of times a week. It's rather uninspired, maybe done to keep the family together on her part etc, but it's sex nonetheless. I'll take what I can get I suppose.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Excellent post MS!
> 
> The bolded part... At the ver least, sex with out spouse should be a shared, loving, fun and fulfilling experience. And when it's not, there is a problem. A problem, not a character trait or an orientation.
> 
> ...



If only I could get DH to attend to me with enthusiasm I wouldn't be here of course!


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Most of us want to see our passion and desire for intimacy mirrored in our spouse.


I think you definitely understand what I'm going through. That's it for me and it's frustrating and sad since I know I have to deal with it due for the kid's sake and financial reasons for the time being. I really don't see there being a resolution to this. She could change which won't happen or I can change and resign myself to not caring. That's basically what it's come down to. I've tried a lot and now I'm at a point where I basically gave up and am trying to make the best of what is. Not happy about it but I'm resigned to my situation.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Hey, Cletus is back! I take it your update isn't going to be positive?


:iagree:

What she said! I always like your posts but you being here probably isn't a good sign.


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