# Husband has ED but blames me.



## agegap18 (8 mo ago)

So, my husband is 18 years older than I am. Over the last 2 years he has had some trouble staying 'ready' for sex. I have a near non-existent sex drive so most of the time its really not that big of a deal for me. However, he tells me that I'm not arousing him enough and that is why he can't perform. 
He has medication to help but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I think that the times it works is because he has given them enough TIME to work. Other times its seems like he is just so desperate to get off that he is just trying to rush the whole process. He will keep going even when he is not hard at all. Then he will stop and try to get it back up; all while sweating profusely, breathing hard and telling me to touch this and that. This whole process is extremely unattractive to me and is a huge turn off. It grosses me out. 
There are times (not that many AT ALL) that I actually do want to have sex but I expect not to get any satisfaction out of it. I don't want to try getting myself mentally ready and then experience this awkward and frustrating situation. 
The thing that makes me very upset and disheartened is that he turns the blame in my direction. He makes it seem like something is wrong with me for not wanting to have sex with him. He even suggests that I should take some pills to increase my sex drive. Why? So I can be disappointed and sexually frustrated?? No thanks. 
I can have a very harsh way of saying things to him and I don't want to hurt his feelings or ego completely but I also do not want to keep taking the blame for this medical issue. He tells me "well this has never happened to me before" and "it's because you are not into it". I think its because he has never been this age before! Things don't work the same as you age. 
I don't know. 
I was a virgin before my husband so I do not have any frame of reference. 
Is it because of me? Is this normal? Abnormal? Is it a combination?

Someone help.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Not trying to make this personal. But this is a sad situation. He is extremely sex starved and probably feels rejected and unworthy. You for whatever reason seem nonchalant and don't really care like it's no big deal. But sex to a guy in a marriage is a major component to the marriage. It's about as important as a healthy heart is to a professional athlete.

I urge you two to see a sex therapist and you get a medical evaluation if you have any interest in saving the marriage. To give you an idea of how painful it is to a married guy. Just imagine a knife in the heart being twisted while being told you are not worthy of my time or love.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Not trying to make this personal. But this is a sad situation. He is extremely sex starved and probably feels rejected and unworthy. You for whatever reason seem nonchalant and don't really care like it's no big deal. But sex to a guy in a marriage is a major component to the marriage. It's about as important as a healthy heart is to a professional athlete.
> 
> I urge you two to see a sex therapist and you get a medical evaluation if you have any interest in saving the marriage. To give you an idea of how painful it is to a married guy. Just imagine a knife in the heart being twisted while being told you are not worthy of my time or love.


And he’s being so loving by blaming her for his ED usually a Heath related condition AND not making sure sex is a mutually satisfying experience?

OP
Listen he’s being an ass and it sounds like you aren’t lovingly helping with his issues. 

that being said this isn’t uncommon when you marry an old man. How old were you when you married/ started dating this man?

how old is he now?

If he was good at sex and relationships in general then you probably would have a better sex drive. Do you take birth control pills? Those can also frequently lower libido.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

How old are you and how long have you been married? Did the two of you EVER have a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship?

You don’t care if you have sex or not, and he can’t now? Has this just been the last 2 yesrs?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He knows you aren't interested in sex, and/or sex with him. Of course that's going to have an effect on his ability to perform. 

Turning it around, how many women here would be aroused by a man who wasn't sexually interested in them? I'm guessing around none.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> And he’s being so loving by blaming her for his ED usually a Heath related condition AND not making sure sex is a mutually satisfying experience?
> 
> OP
> Listen he’s being an ass and it sounds like you aren’t lovingly helping with his issues.
> ...


I don't feel you have any idea what you are talking about with ED . A guy can feel so rejected and neglected in the sexual department that it nearly kills his ability to get an erection.

And are you serious? She has clearly stated she really has no desire, no desire to get her drive back, and sex is really not a big deal to her. But you have determined that he is the ass??? 😱

You also say this isn't uncommon when marrying an old man, then ask how old he is. If she was 20 at marriage, he isn't an old man. If she was 40 at marriage, he still isn't an old man.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

None of us are "like we used to be". Things change. In the case of ED, it could be medical, could be emotional. Low testosterone causes ED problems and sometimes mood swings. 

ED meds other than testosterone replacement do not create erections, they just remove physical barriers to flow of blood. If there is an emotional barrier or lack of libido, there is no erection.

Attention from a loved one is by far the best aphrodisiac. I know castrate men who can attest to this.


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## agegap18 (8 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Not trying to make this personal. But this is a sad situation. He is extremely sex starved and probably feels rejected and unworthy. You for whatever reason seem nonchalant and don't really care like it's no big deal. But sex to a guy in a marriage is a major component to the marriage. It's about as important as a healthy heart is to a professional athlete.
> 
> I urge you two to see a sex therapist and you get a medical evaluation if you have any interest in saving the marriage. To give you an idea of how painful it is to a married guy. Just imagine a knife in the heart being twisted while being told you are not worthy of my time or love.


Thank you for your perspective on this. 
That helps because I know he feels the same way. 
I don’t want to dislike sex, believe me. 
I was a virgin that saved myself for marriage and my husband. I thought sex would be one of the best parts of marriage. So there is mutual disappointment here. 
I am a natural nonchalant person so that’s definitely a good observation. 
I’m protecting myself from disappointment by being nonchalant about sex. I know it’s not a good thing but having blame directed toward me just makes it worst and a harder issue to resolve.


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## agegap18 (8 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> And he’s being so loving by blaming her for his ED usually a Heath related condition AND not making sure sex is a mutually satisfying experience?
> 
> OP
> Listen he’s being an ass and it sounds like you aren’t lovingly helping with his issues.
> ...


We got married when I was 30 years old. I’m 38 yrs old now and he is 56 years old. 
Im not on birth control. 
Sometimes I wonder if he just isn’t good at sex or if size is an issue but I honestly don’t know! He is the only person I’ve ever had sex with.


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## agegap18 (8 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> How old are you and how long have you been married? Did the two of you EVER have a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship?
> 
> You don’t care if you have sex or not, and he can’t now? Has this just been the last 2 yesrs?


I’m 38 and he is 56. Been married for 8 years. 
I feel like it was more enjoyable in the beginning but I was new to sex so I kind of feel like I was just excited to be doing it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

agegap18 said:


> So, my husband is 18 years older than I am. Over the last 2 years he has had some trouble staying 'ready' for sex. I have a near non-existent sex drive so most of the time its really not that big of a deal for me. However, he tells me that I'm not arousing him enough and that is why he can't perform.
> He has medication to help but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I think that the times it works is because he has given them enough TIME to work. Other times its seems like he is just so desperate to get off that he is just trying to rush the whole process. He will keep going even when he is not hard at all. Then he will stop and try to get it back up; all while sweating profusely, breathing hard and telling me to touch this and that. This whole process is extremely unattractive to me and is a huge turn off. It grosses me out.
> There are times (not that many AT ALL) that I actually do want to have sex but I expect not to get any satisfaction out of it. I don't want to try getting myself mentally ready and then experience this awkward and frustrating situation.
> The thing that makes me very upset and disheartened is that he turns the blame in my direction. He makes it seem like something is wrong with me for not wanting to have sex with him. He even suggests that I should take some pills to increase my sex drive. Why? So I can be disappointed and sexually frustrated?? No thanks.
> ...


Of course it's not your fault. He's just getting old and his sex drive is slowing down like a lot of older people's do.

You should not take him blaming you for it. You are not responsible for getting him an erection when he has a big problem like ED. He is best dealing with that himself.

Just tell him it's not your fault he has ED. Why on Earth would he want you to get sexed up when he can't keep up with you already even though everything is moving very slowly? He's probably just tired of masturbating and getting nowhere but he surely can't expect you to take over a futile chore like that if the chances of success are that low.

Guys with ED very often refuse to discuss it at all because they're so humiliated about it. That would certainly be preferable to being blamed for it.

Tell him you don't have a magic wand, and maybe you let him know that if he manages an erection that he thinks he can sustain and you're at home, to give you a holler, but don't let him call you in there to work and work and work and work on him. And you might also tell him he's very unattractive when he's angry and not to summon you when he's angry.

He was too old for you to begin with and he should have some conscience about marrying a virgin that much younger than him anyway.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You've mentioned you're disappointed in your sex life. Does your husband know what you like and don't like? The reason I ask is -- even if you can't see it - you are blaming him for your lack of desire due to being disappointed and he's blaming you for his lack of erections because of your lack of desire. So 'round and 'round it goes.

Could be that you two are just mismatched. Could be that you aren't exploring together what would make for a mutually satisfying sex life. And, weighing in as a woman here, your lack of interest in sex can really clobber a guy's ego (not to mention erections ....).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> And he’s being so loving by blaming her for his ED usually a Heath related condition AND not making sure sex is a mutually satisfying experience?
> 
> OP
> Listen he’s being an ass and it sounds like you aren’t lovingly helping with his issues.
> ...


Birth control pills never lessened mine and if anything the opposite so I guess that varies per person. Maybe it evens out those who are real high or something.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He should feel bad marrying a 38 year old? Good grief.They aren’t old.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Are you planning on staying married to him? What is keeping you together?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

snowbum said:


> He should feel bad marrying a 38 year old? Good grief.They aren’t old.


30 when they married and he's 18 years older.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

agegap18 said:


> We got married when I was 30 years old. I’m 38 yrs old now and he is 56 years old.
> Im not on birth control.
> Sometimes I wonder if he just isn’t good at sex or *if size is an issue* but I honestly don’t know! He is the only person I’ve ever had sex with.


His size? Your size? Size of what?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

18 years older is on a Michael Douglas level of creepy imo.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

agegap18 said:


> I’m 38 and he is 56. Been married for 8 years.
> I feel like it was more enjoyable in the beginning but I was new to sex so I kind of feel like I was just excited to be doing it.


Married for 8 years. You said things really went off rails 2 years ago. So for the first six years was it good/bad/mediocre. You found it "enjoyable" in the beginning, though now you think maybe was because was new for you. Was that the first 1-2-3-4-5 years or what? What is it that you think you are missing and how have you determined that since you have nothing to compare with? Have you ever had a discussion with your husband about your expectations?

Either spouse blaming the other for sexual problems leads no place. Both of you have your part in addressing and solving the problems. *If you want to solve them*. If you are just here to vent and get validation that you are in the right and he is in the wrong, you have received that from several posters.

Your husband being 56 in no way prevents him from rocking your world more than you can imagine for at least another decade or two. If he has physical and/or psychological problems they can be overcome. *IF BOTH* of you want to overcome them. Did you take a vow something like "in sickness and health" "for better of for worse"?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

No man wants to admit he is having erection problems. I think he blames you because he isn't yet willing to face the truth. Dude is 58 and having problems, there is no shame in that. I think you should sit down and have a serious talk with him about it. Just keep his ego in mind when you do. Get him to use those pills properly.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> No man wants to admit he is having erection problems. I think he blames you because he isn't yet willing to face the truth. Dude is 58 and having problems, there is no shame in that. I think you should sit down and have a serious talk with him about it. Just keep his ego in mind when you do. Get him to use those pills properly.


I thought he was 18 years older than OP who said she was 38. So he would be 56. OP mentioned “size” but didnt elaborate. If either or both are obese that isnt doing the sex any favors. And if he is obese, ED isnt surprising.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> I thought he was 18 years older than OP who said she was 38. So he would be 56. OP mentioned “size” but didnt elaborate. If either or both are obese that isnt doing the sex any favors. And if he is obese, ED isnt surprising.


I think she meant because she has only seen and experienced one penis she doesn't know if his size (of his penis) contributes to her lack of positive sexual experiences.

Basically she doesn't get orgasms often (if ever) from their sexual encounters. But in the mean time he blames her for his ED and demands she touch him and do this that and the other to make his experience good. Standard selfish.

Has she handles this well. Probably not but she also has no sexual experience other than being with him.

OP was he also a virgin?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

A 30 year old virgin woman? That’s a first. If you saved yourself for marriage, why would you want to just give up on your marriage. Without sex, why be married. Do you want to hit your 40s as a divorcée? At that age, you will be giving it up quick to a string of guys who will be slow to commit or you will be alone. I would think it’s better to make things work with your husband but If you can’t stomach it, then you should D do both of you can work on getting on with your lives.

Btw, Are you 2 in reasonable shape for your ages? I’m 57 and have thankfully never experienced ED and that’s with my wife of 35 years who’s 55. I still find my wife sexy as h3ll But I think I would go into sexual overload If I had her 39 year old version again, so I can’t comprehend your husband losing his hard on for a wife who’s 18 years younger. I would think that you would look like a tasty snack to him.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

jsmart said:


> A 30 year old virgin woman? That’s a first. If you saved yourself for marriage, why would you want to just give up on your marriage. Without sex, why be married. Do you want to hit your 40s as a divorcée? At that age, you will be giving it up quick to a string of guys who will be slow to commit or you will be alone. I would think it’s better to make things work with your husband but If you can’t stomach it, then you should D do both of you can work on getting on with your lives.
> 
> Btw, Are you 2 in reasonable shape for your ages? I’m 57 and have thankfully never experienced ED and that’s with my wife of 35 years who’s 55. I still find my wife sexy as h3ll But I think I would go into sexual overload If I had her 39 year old version again, so I can’t comprehend your husband losing his hard on for a wife who’s 18 years younger. I would think that you would look like a tasty snack to him.


I strongly doubt that a 30 year old virgin woman is unique. I am a VERY sexual male and was virgin until about one month before my 30th birthday. I'd possibly still be virgin if I hadn't begun being hit on by some very aggressive women.

It's not easy to change up one's world views so having trouble with sex after losing virginity is a real possibility. The abrupt change the women made in my world view was traumatic for me. In my mind that wasn't supposed to happen and I had no experience to help relate.

I also doubt that the OP would turn into a tart at 40. Suppressed is suppressed. A "shrink" suggested that I need not worry about not knowing how to flirt at age 76 should I lose my wife as women would probably be coming to me. Freaked me out. My wife is my world. And my safe harbor.

I've never had ED as I have multiple orgasms. It runs in the family. That first one is just the first of several.

And, yes, some men lose testosterone earlier than others which leads to andropause, mood swings and ED.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Playing the blame game here is going to be a waste of time and breath. 

Should he be blaming you for his ED?? No, of course not. That is dumb and inappropriate. 

But neither of are sexual dynamos to begin with. 

If you were a 30 year old female virgin, the sex obviously isn’t high on your list of things to do.

And if a 48 year old man was dating you and ok with not having sex until marrying that 30 year old virgin, then sex isn’t much of a priority for him either. 

In fact it stands to reason that one of the reasons he went for you in the first place was that you were low-Desire and inexperienced and wouldn’t know or wouldn’t care that he was a sexual dud. 

In other words, each of you being low on the sexual scale is one of the criteria that drew you to each other in the first place. 

There’s nothing wrong with that in and of itself as long as both of you remain low-desire and relatively nonsexual. 

The issue is if one or both of you change over the years (which we all do change over time) and one or the other of you does develop a desire in having a vibrant and satisfying sex life. 

If that happens, now you’ve got problems because each of you picked the other based on your mutual low sex threshold. 

You picked him initially because he was ok with you being a virgin and he was ok with waiting until marriage. 

And he picked you because you were inexperienced and low desire and he figured you’d be cool with him being a sexual dud. 

But now it’s 2022 and you are 38 and you have had a taste of sexuality. You are on a different level now. Are you perhaps becoming more interested and more desirous of an active and gratifying sex life??

But you’re partner is significantly older, at an age where sexual dysfunctions can be common and he was never a tiger in bed to begin with. ......not looking good for the home team here 😞 

If so, you two are likely not compatible for each other because the playing field has now changed and the goal posts have been moved. 

38 years old is very frequently a time of a woman’s sexual awakening and emancipation from old-order religious and social dictates and women of experience a spike in libido at that age.

Playing the blame game is a waste of energy as neither of you are bad or malicious,,,, just incompatible and on two different planes of existence.

There’s really only a few options - seek marital counseling and sex therapy to see if you can work things out on a relationship level to where you can meet each other’s needs. (Long shot since he was never a sexual stud) 

Or seek an amicable divorce and find someone else that you are more compatible with. 

Or open the marriage to where you can get your sexual needs met elsewhere.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Julie's Husband said:


> I strongly doubt that a 30 year old virgin woman is unique. I am a VERY sexual male and was virgin until about one month before my 30th birthday. I'd possibly still be virgin if I hadn't begun being hit on by some very aggressive women.
> 
> It's not easy to change up one's world views so having trouble with sex after losing virginity is a real possibility. The abrupt change the women made in my world view was traumatic for me. In my mind that wasn't supposed to happen and I had no experience to help relate.
> 
> I also doubt that the OP would turn into a tart at 40. Suppressed is suppressed.


Many fundamental flaws with your theories here. 

Comparing a 30 year old male virgin to a female 30 year virgin is comparing apples to sledgehammers. 

A female is approached by men and the red carpet to bedroom rolled out for them from the day they first grow boobies. 

If she hasn’t had sex, hasn’t had much dating experience and hasn’t married by the time she’s 30, it’s because she didn’t really want to very much. 

Yes there are people that choose to not have PIV intercourse due to religious convictions. But they can still be very aware of their sexual feelings and yearnings. - they also tend to struggle and be challenged with their celibacy and tend to marry young. 

Male virgins on the other hand are usually involuntarily celibate and essentially “can’t” get chicks into bed. 

Using your own experience as a point of reference - once a chick made a solid approach to you, you went for it. 

The OP being a female, she was likely approached by 6,285,926 men to one degree or another by the time she was 30. 

The fact she did not take any of them up on it, is probably indicative of her basic libido and interest in sex. 

And I also disagree with your entire “tart” comment. 

No one is accusing her of being a tart or that a grown woman having desires for sexual pleasure and gratification is a tart. It’s not a tart to have desires and yearnings - it’s being a normal, healthy human. 

People do change over time and their interests, criteria, desires, values and mores do evolve at different stages in their lives. 

Women in their mid 30s-40s is often one of those periods of time. 

While I do agree that a 30 year old female virgin likely has low level of innate desire and sexual interest to begin with and it’s unlikely that she will turn into a wild horny beast. That doesn’t always mean that she won’t undergo some changes in her beliefs and libido over the years.


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## Lovingwife71 (Mar 28, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> If he was good at sex and relationships in general then you probably would have a better sex drive.


👏👏👏 Thank you Anastasia6!!!! FINALLY someone says what I have wanted to say on this site hundreds of times. Men are always crabbing about their sexless marriages and how their wives are cold fish. My husband would have told the same story about how he wasn't getting any sex and how great of a person he was. And he is a good person. But I wasn't getting my needs met either. If you guys aren't getting sex, there may be a valid reason other than her low sex drive. At least valid in her mind. My husband kept telling me to take something for my low sex drive. I've always had a healthy sex drive. I had no desire for sex because my needs weren't being met. My need for a normal relationship. A husband who wanted to hold my hand, a husband who wanted to kiss me. Sex without kissing isn't very passionate or romantic. I didn't ask for a lot, but he said he wasn't that type of person. He wasn't affectionate. I had no desire for someone who had no passion for me. We started working on our relationship, he's changed a LOT and guess what? My husband can't keep up with MY sex drive now!!! He was the one crying about a sexless marriage and now it's usually me who doesn't get enough. Sex is important to guys, but maybe start thinking about what is important to your wives that you aren't giving them. Start giving it and you might be surprised. Just saying.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> think she meant because she has only seen and experienced one penis she doesn't know if his size (of his penis) contributes to her lack of positive sexual experiences.


Maybe, but how would she know with only one point of reference, and never having had anyone who knocked her socks off? Reading Cosmopolitan? Surfing this and other internet sites?

Anyway, guess we will never know more than she has already shared. IMO Validation is what she was looking for, which she has received already in spades. Her old man isn't tickling her fancy, it is all his fault.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

oldshirt said:


> Many fundamental flaws with your theories here.
> 
> Comparing a 30 year old male virgin to a female 30 year virgin is comparing apples to sledgehammers.
> 
> ...


Au contraire, I find many holes in both your postings as you are seeing things from your reference point and making a ton of assumptions. I don't think you are able to realize there are other environments and social streams than the one you experienced.

For instance, SOME women may spike at an older age, but others are going through menopause and have zero libido, have cantankerous emotions to deal with. I've been there.

The assumption that all women are going to be approached is questionable. It depends on whether they are available to be approached. The Idea that male virgins are "usually" involuntarily celibate is another assumption. I had hangups and inhibitions that led me to very intentionally avoid becoming sexually involved. I did not socialize during my teens and never developed those skills. I still do not flirt.

And, no, I did not "go for it" when I was first approached. In my mind and world that was not supposed to happen. I went into an all out panic attack and was a very minimally active part of that experience. I was totally passive as I didn't have the least idea of how to behave in that situation I couldn't think clearly enough to put a sentence together. I was probably the worst sexual partner she's had. The only positive point is that I have multiple orgasms so when I climaxed on the way in, I remained erect and she was able to use me to pleasure herself.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Julie's Husband said:


> And, no, I did not "go for it" when I was first approached. In my mind and world that was not supposed to happen. I went into an all out panic attack and was a very minimally active part of that experience. I was totally passive as I didn't have the least idea of how to behave in that situation I couldn't think clearly enough to put a sentence together. I was probably the worst sexual partner she's had. The only positive point is that I have multiple orgasms so when I climaxed on the way in, I remained erect and she was able to use me to pleasure herself.


In other words, when the opportunity presented itself, you had consensual sex. 
So you did in fact go for it. 

Whether you were any good at it or not is beside the point.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Julie's Husband said:


> Au contraire, I find many holes in both your postings as you are seeing things from your reference point and making a ton of assumptions. I don't think you are able to realize there are other environments and social streams than the one you experienced.
> 
> For instance, SOME women may spike at an older age, but others are going through menopause and have zero libido, have cantankerous emotions to deal with. I've been there.
> 
> The assumption that all women are going to be approached is questionable. It depends on whether they are available to be approached. The Idea that male virgins are "usually" involuntarily celibate is another assumption. I had hangups and inhibitions that led me to very intentionally avoid becoming sexually involved. I did not socialize during my teens and never developed those skills. I still do not flirt.


Very few women are menopausal in their 30s and the OP has not said a word about menopause rearing it’s ugly head. 

And yes ALL women are approached for sex at various times and various degrees. 

Some may be more overt than others and some may be more discreet and subliminal than others, but basically every halfway normal and non deformed female that walks the earth has been presented with opportunity at various times. (And most of the morbidly obese, deformed and disfigured ones have as well). 

And while there are men out there with inhibitions and hang ups and such, very very few men truly do not want to have sex or will not want to do so if presented with an opportunity with an attractive woman.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

agegap18 said:


> ...... I have a near non-existent sex drive so most of the time its really not that big of a deal for me. However,* he tells me that I'm not arousing him enough *and that is why he can't perform.
> *He has medication *to help but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. *I think that the times it works is because he has given them enough TIME to work.* Other times its seems like he is just so desperate to get off that he is just trying to rush the whole process. He will keep going even when he is not hard at all. Then he will stop and try to get it back up; all while sweating profusely, breathing hard and telling me to touch this and that. *This whole process is extremely unattractive to me and is a huge turn off. It grosses me out. *
> There are times (not that many AT ALL) that *I actually do want to have sex but I expect not to get any satisfaction out of it. I don't want to try getting myself mentally ready and then experience this awkward and frustrating situation.*
> The thing that makes me very upset and disheartened is that he turns the blame in my direction. He makes it seem like *something is wrong with me for not wanting to have sex with him.* He even suggests that I should take some pills to increase my sex drive. * Why? So I can be disappointed and sexually frustrated?? No thanks.
> ...





agegap18 said:


> I’m 38 and he is 56. *Been married for 8 years.*
> I feel like it was more enjoyable in the beginning but I was new to sex so I kind of feel like I was just excited to be doing it.


Dear Agegap18,

A combination. First I would like to congratulate you on your self-awareness and analysis of what is going on. For the most part, I think you really understand............up to a point.

First yes men's bodies as they age don't work the way they do when the were younger. Also the Viagra like products require between 30 to 60 minutes to kick in and help produce an erection, but there are two things you need to understand. During that 30 to 60 minutes they have to think sexually arousing thoughts, and second it doesn't take a man all that much to loose an erection.

Could you help him with sexually arousing thoughts after he pops those viagra pills? Yes you could. I can say from experience that when I was 21 it didn't take much to be naked with a woman to give me intense sexual thoughts. However, at age 73, it is nice to have that naked women provide me with some sexual stimulation. It could be physical, such as using her hand to stimulate my penis, it could be verbal, such as saying she loves me and wants to feel our bodies join as one......or better yet dirty talk. Or it could be visual, such as wearing a sexy nightgown.

If you want to understand him better ask him if he needs his viagra to masturbate. If he doesn't then think about that for a few minutes. When he was younger, he probably didn't need hand stimulation to get erect. When you and your H do make love, do you provide him any foreplay to help stimulate him? If you don't you are really being a selfish and lazy lover. If you do, then congratulations, but maybe as he ages you need to kick up your foreplay for him a little bit to match his aging body. It all depends on if you want to be a good lover to your H or not. He really does need something to mentally stimulate him sexually while the viagra is taking effect.

Have you ever heard of the 7-year itch? It is fairly typical for say after about 7 years (in your case 8 years) of marriage for the passion between two people to fade. What is usually required if for the two to either work on rebuilding the passion or for the two to learn to live with it and find other ways of emotionally bonding more strongly. So what you are facing is fairly typical and you and your H get to decide how this is going to play out.

Next, you have indicated at best an indifference to and outright hostility to have sex with your H. Men really can have quite fragile egos. Sexual rejection is a big deal to most men, causing deep emotional pain. One of the fascinating things about most couples who have been married quite a while is that they can read their partner's body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. 

Have you ever thought that you lack of enthusiasm in having sex with your husband may to his mind be the equivalent to your screaming through non-verbal communication that you hate or don't want to have sex with him? 

So let's go to the heart of your question. Is his ED totally his fault, totally your fault, or a combination? As I said earlier, it is a combination. Should your H assume some of the responsibility for his medical condition? Absolutely. Should he totally blame you? No. Are there things you could do differently that might make sex better for him and for you? Yes. 

So now the ultimate question? Do you want to have a good sex life with your H? If you don't, don't expect it to be a long and pleasant marriage.

Good luck to you.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

oldshirt said:


> In other words, when the opportunity presented itself, you had consensual sex.
> So you did in fact go for it.
> 
> Whether you were any good at it or not is beside the point.


She was not the first woman to hit on me, just the first that managed to get past my deflection, so no I did not "go for it" when given the opportunity.

No, I did not enthusiastically "go for it". At best you can say I was passive. Sorry to tell you there are some men that don't fit the stereotype. This was traumatic for me. I've been seeing shrinks to deal with the emotions and depression of going through andropause / menopause and have finally been able to tell my side after 45 years of keeping my feelings bottled up.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

oldshirt said:


> And yes ALL women are approached for sex at various times and various degrees.
> 
> And while there are men out there with inhibitions and hang ups and such, very very few men truly do not want to have sex or will not want to do so if presented with an opportunity with an attractive woman.


Again, I can't help feeling you have tunnel vision.

Yes, I did very much want to have sex and had a very strong libido, but would never have initiated. To this day I have never initiated a sexual relationship. Inside a relationship I am VERY enthusiastic and active.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Julie's Husband said:


> No, I did not enthusiastically "go for it". At best you can say I went along with it. Sorry to tell you there are some men that don't fit the stereotype. This was traumatic for me. I've been seeing shrinks to deal with the emotions and depression of going through andropause / menopause and have finally been able to tell my side after 45 years of keeping my feelings bottled up.


I didn’t say enthusiastically, I said consensually. 

But to tie this back into my original point, you were presented with one opportunity for sex by the time you were 30 and you took it whether it scared you to half to death or not. 

Conversely, A typical woman will have countless opportunities on a continual basis from about puberty on. 

So a 30 year old female virgin on average probably has significantly less sexual motivation than the average woman.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

OP, if you don’t want to have sex with your husband, just tell him. And the reasons. You don’t have to go through this torture. Life is too short.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

agegap18 said:


> So, my husband is 18 years older than I am. Over the last 2 years he has had some trouble staying 'ready' for sex. I have a near non-existent sex drive so most of the time its really not that big of a deal for me. However, he tells me that I'm not arousing him enough and that is why he can't perform.
> He has medication to help but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I think that the times it works is because he has given them enough TIME to work. Other times its seems like he is just so desperate to get off that he is just trying to rush the whole process. He will keep going even when he is not hard at all. Then he will stop and try to get it back up; all while sweating profusely, breathing hard and telling me to touch this and that. This whole process is extremely unattractive to me and is a huge turn off. It grosses me out.
> There are times (not that many AT ALL) that I actually do want to have sex but I expect not to get any satisfaction out of it. I don't want to try getting myself mentally ready and then experience this awkward and frustrating situation.
> The thing that makes me very upset and disheartened is that he turns the blame in my direction. He makes it seem like something is wrong with me for not wanting to have sex with him. He even suggests that I should take some pills to increase my sex drive. Why? So I can be disappointed and sexually frustrated?? No thanks.
> ...


Unfortunately, it’s hard for most guys to admit there is a problem, even when it it’s obviously a problem. I have Ed and made excuses for too long. The best way to deal with ED in marriage is this. Start a new fresh start with the idea that he has ED. Talk about it, even joke about it a little. A mans ED is NOT the women’s fault, unless you have completely let your self go to the point of you don’t even turn him on. I would say that is not the case. Next in you new arrangement tell him you will give him access to you every so often, you two pick what works for you. Say every other week. Now he doesn’t have to worry that if he can’t perform he won’t have access to you for a very long time. Just lay in bed have him hold you , if mr happy shows up act on it! If not you two got to cuddle and you will see him again next time. Do not try and force the action DO NOT dress up and pull at him to no end. That will only make him frustrated if nothing happens and you will be left with that old feeling. Did I shave my legs for this!? That is how you deal with ED in marriage.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

kh4OffRoad said:


> I have Ed and made excuses for too long. The best way to deal with ED in marriage is


To fix it. The problem can be solved. A couple doesn’t have to live with it. The man needs to work the problem to solution. ASAP.

Myriad ways. Been there, done that, own the Tee-shirt.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

kh4OffRoad said:


> The best way to deal with ED in marriage is this...


Like many other men, I was castrate as part of my treatment for prostate cancer. I was castrate for most of 2020. Being castrate can lead to some pretty serious ED.

Many of us have learned that we can become aroused and have sex while castrate while trying to pleasure our loved ones. There is no expectation that we can perform so there is no pressure. The same attitude should be helpful to non castrate men as well, I'd think.

We also discovered hot non penetrative moves as my wife is physically unable to have intercourse.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

kh4OffRoad said:


> ......Next in you new arrangement tell him you will give him access to you every so often, you two pick what works for you. Say every other week. Now he doesn’t have to worry that if he can’t perform he won’t have access to you for a very long time. *Just lay in bed have him hold you , if mr happy shows up act on it! *If not you two got to cuddle and you will see him again next time. *Do not try and force the action DO NOT dress up and pull at him to no end.* That will only make him frustrated if nothing happens and you will be left with that old feeling. Did I shave my legs for this!? That is how you deal with ED in marriage.


I think that the parts in bold above are exactly the problem with far too many marriages. I understand the need to avoid performance anxiety, but that doesn't mean do ABSOLUTELY nothing.

You are correct that trying too hard can produce performance anxiety, especially if he isn't in the mood. However, as she has said, he take an erection medication so he does need to have sexual thoughts to help get an erection during the time it takes the drug to take effect. Also, it is not as effective and should not be taken within 2 hours of last eating. During the time from having him take the medication, until he has an erection, she really should "........*dress up and pull at him*......." as well as do other foreplay-like activities.

Let's see what some of the advice for using Viagra actually suggests.....(click on the link to the rest of the article).....

What to Expect When Taking Viagra For the First Time: A common myth surrounding Viagra is that it will make an erection spring up, as if by magic, once you’ve taken it. In fact, you need to be sexually aroused and stimulated for the drug to take effect. It usually takes around 30 minutes of gentle masturbation or engaging in foreplay with your partner before you’ll have an erection firm enough for penetration. One study found that a firm erection could be achieved with as little as 12 minutes of stimulation, but for some men it can take up to an hour. It’s important to simply relax and enjoy the experience. Stressing about whether or not the drug will work could get in the way of becoming aroused, and this will then impact the drug’s effectiveness.

If a man went to bed with a woman and offered her absolutely no foreplay prior to having sex with her, he would be thought of as a lazy and greedy lover, with no consideration of his partner.

And yet so many feel that women have absolutely no need to do ANYTHING to sexually arouse their partner. I just can not understand this double standard, especially in a long term relationship. Most young couples can't keep their hands OFF EACH OTHER. At what point in a relationship does it become totally the man's responsibility for sexually arousing his partner?

If a woman feels she has absolutely no need to provide her husband with any foreplay or sexual stimulation, then she should expect he will need Viagra, porn or sexually fantasizing about another woman to get an erection and even then may not be able to perform after a certain age. Yes, 18-year old men can get an erection at just the sight of a pretty woman, but that is not the OP's situation.

So ED is not a woman's responsibility or cause, but she sure does have a role in its treatment with a long term partner if she cares anything about him.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> So ED is not a woman's responsibility or cause, but she sure does have a role in its treatment with a long term partner if she cares anything about him.


Absolutely. A woman can get the thang working if she really wants. By many means. When I had trouble about two years ago the wife took it as a challenge. She would get on top and start rubbing me with her hand, then her vulva, voila here we go,

“Joy of Sex” has a whole chapter on dealing with ED issues. It claims that many women can allow entry of a flaccid penis with spooning, and mentions this as a strategy to overcome performance anxiety. Once in, the stimulation will usually produce an erection. Success breeds success.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Rus47 said:


> She would get on top and start rubbing me with her hand, then her vulva, voila here we go,


I agree. My wife cannot have intercourse for physical reasons, but when I was castrate one hot move was to oil up and slide over her vulva. The motion involved leads to perfect positioning for a quick shift to intercourse if that becomes a possible.

Oral sex works quite well, too.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

agegap18 said:


> So, my husband is 18 years older than I am. Over the last 2 years he has had some trouble staying 'ready' for sex. I have a near non-existent sex drive so most of the time its really not that big of a deal for me. However, he tells me that I'm not arousing him enough and that is why he can't perform.
> He has medication to help but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I think that the times it works is because he has given them enough TIME to work. Other times its seems like he is just so desperate to get off that he is just trying to rush the whole process. He will keep going even when he is not hard at all. Then he will stop and try to get it back up; all while sweating profusely, breathing hard and telling me to touch this and that. This whole process is extremely unattractive to me and is a huge turn off. It grosses me out.
> There are times (not that many AT ALL) that I actually do want to have sex but I expect not to get any satisfaction out of it. I don't want to try getting myself mentally ready and then experience this awkward and frustrating situation.
> The thing that makes me very upset and disheartened is that he turns the blame in my direction. He makes it seem like something is wrong with me for not wanting to have sex with him. He even suggests that I should take some pills to increase my sex drive. Why? So I can be disappointed and sexually frustrated?? No thanks.
> ...


I would say it is not your fault. ED does happen and taking pills for it is not that healthy. Maybe you can change the way you have sex like more manual or something then it would't matter about ED. Maybe a different way would help you? I wouldn't recommend you take any pills either. You are who you are.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Playing the blame game here is going to be a waste of time and breath.
> 
> Should he be blaming you for his ED?? No, of course not. That is dumb and inappropriate.
> 
> ...


My wife was a 35 yr old virgin. I am very honoured and wouldn't have it any other way.


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