# My life.......



## [email protected] (Jun 3, 2015)

Been with my husband since I was 20 and him 28, together 11 married for almost 8 years. We have 3 young children together. He has always been a jealous person and even acused me many times of cheating which I never have! Comments on other ladies bodies or looks infront of me. 

I'm a SAHM and have a part time home job that brings in very little. 
My husband is the breadwinner of the house and reminds me daily about this. He constantly tells me I don't bring in enough money but won't allow me to get another job in the evening because he says I won't make enough but the real reason he doesnt have the patience to take care of our kids. All though he makes a decent amount "money" is always an argument in our house. Everything we have or own is considered "his" as I came with nothing into the relationship.....well duh I had just turned 20 when we met. 

He puts me down on a daily basis. Calls me names...tells me I'm going to live in a trailer park if I leave him because I won't have any money. 
When I tell him I need to run errands or want to go out with friends he always comes home late or has an excuse for needing to do something. 
Hence making me late or having to cancel my plans. 

I left him for a while when our first child was 6 months and moved in with my sister and her hubby. All though she was totally for me leaving him she also said I couldn't stay long. My husband promised he would change so I moved back in. Things got better but not to where I wanted them.  18 months later baby #2 was born. We bought a new house with a big yard and things I thought would get better....the verbal abuse continued but I kept making excuses for him or just letting it go. 

After we moved closer to his friends he spent a lot of time hanging with his friends and drinking and coming home drunk. I bagged for date nights but he doesn't want to spend the money or leave our kids.....but has no problem to leave them with me and spend $$$ on booze.

I tried getting back to the gym (yoga) as I still had baby weight on from #2. I would go every week on the same night and time and told him I needed to leave by a certain time to get a spot. All though he would be home every night on time he wouldbe late coming in from doing yard work again making me late. 

I started hating him more and more everyday. Spending more time on FB or my phone which he hates. He also became jealous of the time I spent with our kids and not him. I told him if he help more getting them to bed I would have more time for Us.....there was always an excuse he has to get up early for work so I contined to battle my kids at bedtime alone........after an hour of crazy bedtime and finally getting to relaxe I get a text from him asking for me to come up stairs and put my ass up in the air......um where's the romance??!! Those aren't to right words to get a lady fired up! He complained that I didn't give it up enough but why would I want too?? Sex became un fun for me and most of the time I would just do it so he would leave me alone. 
Found out I was pregnant with #3 which was always wanted by me not him....even said I tricked him. 

While I was pregnant with #3 I was sick more, had bad food adverssion which he wouldn't respect. He ate food in our room which would make me I'll. He stopped watching TV with us down stairs and retreated to his cave up in our room. Our other 2 kids have always been bad night sleepers where I get up 1-6 times a night as he cant with work. He would get angry with me coming in and out waking him up. So between our bedroom smelling like a pizza joint and waking babies I stopped sleeping in our room......our son just turned 2 so almost 3 years we haven't shared a bed ever night. 

My sister ended up moving in with us after baby #3 was born when she moved from another provice...things were great for a while as I had someone to hang and talk with and he had more free time with his friends. He would come home drunk and pick fights with us because he wanted my attention and I told him no because he was drunk. Of course she would see his verbal abuse and call him on it which he did not like......all of a sudden she was the problem in his eyes. 

This went on for a year before I thought maybe if she did move out things would get better. She did they did not. I ended up moving in with her last summer. We even worked out days were he would stay in the house with the kids and other days I would. We even started to couples therapy going on dates after each session. I found it to be helping even our sex life got better.... Doing it in random places!! 
BUT.......after ever session he would complain about how much it was costing "him". He promised to keep going if I moved back in which we did for a while but he kept on having to reschedule appointments till we just stopped going. He kept saying he knew he was wrong promised he would work on his temper and stop with the name calling. That lasted a while :crying:. He just gives up on us. 

The fighting has gotten worse our kids are starting to fight more.
we blame each other for the kids problems. He tells the kids their bad behaviour is why we fight! They are great kids but I can totally see they are feeding off our body language and pushing buttons which get my husband mad. 

He's always negative and talks about how hard a worker he is and how he owns a house and our friends spend their money and live in a townhouse. He's always better! The house is never clean enough....I spend to much time on my phone.....nag nag nag....

Tonight when I had plans to go buy items for our child's party he pulled the the whole. Why can't you you take them, why didn't you do this before? I ended calling a friend and getting her to watch my kids so I can go out Thursday. Cancelling my plans again because it's putting him out. Well I got mad at him and we started a fight Which I said he was a bad husband and father..... He chucked his keys at me which ended up hitting my new van he then corrected me and said his van he owns it. 

So here I am a year later dealing with the same old ****! It's super hard as my oldest has voiced his side and said he doesn't want to move in with my sister but really is this any better??? 
I'll be 31 in a few days.....I gave him my 20's I don't wanna waste my 30's or even the rest of my 1 and only life on someone who is so miserable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been through something similar. It's not fun at all.


Does he ever hit you, push you, throw things at you, break and/or hit things in anger?
What do you do with the money you earn? 
Do you have your own bank account? 
Do you give your income to him? 
Do you have access to either a joint account or accounts in his name?

You are going to have to save yourself here. How do you do that ?

Find a local organization that provides help for victims of domestic abuse. They usually have sliding scale rates. Get an appointment and start going. You need help to get yourself out of this very bad situation.

What he is doing with the money is called financial abuse. It's real. The purpose of abuse is to control the victim. Using money to control is a very common thing. 

He's wrong about the things he says about money. You own 50% of all assets "he" has... like house, cars, bank account, etc.

I get the impression that you are not aware of your rights either.

You need to find out your rights. A lot of attorneys give a free .5 - 1 hour consolation up front. You could make an appointment with 2 or so and ask them questions. Also look up divorce in your state. There is tons of info on the internet.

If you will share your state, I can point you to some state specific info. You could PM it to me if you do not want to post it on the open forum.

A basic run down. 

If you file for divorce you can have the lawyer get a court order for interim spousal support and child support. Interim support is for the period from when you file until the divorce is final. Interim spousal support is generally 30% to 50% of his income. Child support is on top of that. A good ball part figure can be calculated with the this formula ( 50% of your income subtracted from 40% of your income).

Spousal support is generally about 30% of his income when one spouse has no income to speak of.

You are entitled to 50% of all assets.. the house, bank accounts, his retirement, investments, cars, etc. (with the new car you have... you can ask the court to make it part of your settlement and to order him to make the payments. Once it's paid off, he transfers it into your name.)

Since you have been married 8 years and have been a SAHM you will most likely get spousal support after the divorce. You will also get child support until the children are 18. You can also have something added to the divorce that says he has to help the children with college.

The length of time you get spousal support is generally about half the length of your marriage if you were married less than 10 years. For marriages over 10 years support can be longer. You will most likely get what they call rehabilitative support... for some period of time. This is very state specific.

You can use this time to go back to school and get a degree or get some other kind of training so that you can earn a living.

With child support, it only covers the basics. On top of that you can get it up so that things like child care, sport/activities, doctor bills are split between you at a rate equal to the percentage of joint income each of you earn.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

I like your last sentence and it sums everything up well. Tell him that. "I gave you my twenties but won't waste my thirties with you" then mean it and see if that doesn't wake him up. If not you know what to do.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Elegirls advice is pretty spot on. I hope you use some or all of it. 

I just have to ask though...you realize that you life is finite...your time is limited. Do you see any upside to staying with this man, that treats you so atrociously? I mean, really, what is your upside? 

Waking him up to the real damage he is causing to both you and your children might help him to change...but it might not. It sounds like you have left a couple if times, but then return...so he has been taught that there wont be any real consequence. It sounds like you have reached the point where you need to make a decision. So make it. 

You do realize that making it all stop is up to you, right? You guys are following a script, both of you. Stop following the script- things WILL change. 

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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