# Kid is Grounded-dilemma



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

edited: best talk in a long time with H about original post. I'll delete this in a bit.

Summary: kid w/ADHD was failing three classes, 504 not being upheld, I grounded him, teacher refused to communicate clearly expectations & requirements to raise grade and also hadn't updated grades since 10/1 in parent access system. I'm frustrated and feel like I'm shouldering the bulk of enforcement.

H just called to reassure me that changing the punishment isn't a good idea, that he sees my pain and frustration, and he loves me.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I've struggled with the schoolwork issue myself. The teachers don't keep the grades online updated and the kid lies, so there's no way for you to know if he's doing the homework or not until it's really out of hand. Sounds like a call to the Principal or the school counselor if the 504 is not being upheld.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I'm convinced they don't care; my kids all test well so the school gets theirs, ya know? 

I'm still waiting on the grades to be posted. this is crap. I'm regretting not enrolling this child in a charter school.


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## Coach8 (Jun 17, 2013)

Have you emailed the teacher?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

we are struggling with 504 being followed as well. Add separated parents and he is failing much. In spite of meds. Its gotten better with slow release med but still a struggle.


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## Coach8 (Jun 17, 2013)

If a 504 is not being followed, please communicate directly with the teacher in question, before going to the principal. It might be a simple oversight. I am a teacher and I have had as many as 40 kids a day in my classes that had a 504 or IEP. Its hard to keep all the accomodations straight, especially when its early in the school year.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> edited: best talk in a long time with H about original post. I'll delete this in a bit.
> 
> Summary: kid w/ADHD was failing three classes, 504 not being upheld, I grounded him, teacher refused to communicate clearly expectations & requirements to raise grade and also hadn't updated grades since 10/1 in parent access system. I'm frustrated and feel like I'm shouldering the bulk of enforcement.
> 
> H just called to reassure me that changing the punishment isn't a good idea, that he sees my pain and frustration, and he loves me.


Is the child on any medications to help?


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

He starts a new med tomorrow. Since the original post, he was suspended two days that week for...I don't remember now. they blend together. And then this week, he got up from lunch (near the main entry-older school) held the door open for a mom and was suspended again.

The 504 meeting was awful, and it was a manifestation determination, not a standard 504. I found out at 5 the day before. They determined that not staying in his seat and not thinking through the consequences of his decision are not caused by ADHD. The school had bad publicity and a security scare a few weeks ago, and that's their reason: he's (again, third year in a row) willfully disobedient". I'm meeting with my advocate tomorrow. ETA: his 504 wasn't followed and they admitted it and said it didn't matter. This is going to get messy.

Just what I need with a non-intimacy mate: the idea of home schooling because they (the staff) know nothing about ADHD and won't learn (that means they do and refuse to uphold the law.) ETA: H is angry, as am I, and he's hands-off because I'm more knowledgeable on this...but not enough to navigate the appeals. it's been suggested to call the press. We're poor, and that will count against us the court of public opinion. In our town, artsy-fartsy poor doesn't matter; poor=white trash to them. It'll hurt the kiddo. Not acting will too.

This blows.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Contact your child's psychiatrist, and ask about youth advocacy. Also, he should have a case manager that handles orchestrating resources. Call them. type (your county name) CMU into a google search if you do not have CMU involved already.

If you are poor there are resources for free legal aid, but youth advocacy is your first step. 

Holding the door open for someone is not willfully disobeying. It's "I'm going to be nice like my mom taught me". He has poor processing skills. That is obvious from that statement, and needs help differentiating when and where each rule is pertinent.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

When they go to the part where they discussed the functional stuff itself...oh my, it was bad. They didn't look for the 'how' or 'why'. They looked at the process of events instead. And this was the school counselor with a master's, who is the school's 504 contact. 

At the beginning-of-year 504, I had to explain executive function. I'm pretty sure the Chris Dendy links I sent were all trashed.

His science teacher spoke highly of him. They said he thrives in theatre, science and GT, where they're learning coding. No kidding...all creative and structured classes. I saw few dots connected.

We've been co-ordinating this ourselves with the ped and psychologist. When we had no insurance, that was the simplest and lest expensive way to do it; the ped's social worker said finding community resources other than CHADD are nil in our area, unless we want a one-year wait. 

I can't imagine what it's like for other kids who have his diagnosis or who have mental illness. So many kids seem to be falling through the cracks in the system; I hear them talk when they're over here. We're in a state that's already adopted Common Core, so I hold out little hope.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> He starts a new med tomorrow. Since the original post, he was suspended two days that week for...I don't remember now. they blend together. And then this week, he got up from lunch (near the main entry-older school) held the door open for a mom and was suspended again.
> 
> The 504 meeting was awful, and it was a manifestation determination, not a standard 504. I found out at 5 the day before. They determined that not staying in his seat and not thinking through the consequences of his decision are not caused by ADHD. The school had bad publicity and a security scare a few weeks ago, and that's their reason: he's (again, third year in a row) willfully disobedient". I'm meeting with my advocate tomorrow. ETA: his 504 wasn't followed and they admitted it and said it didn't matter. This is going to get messy.
> 
> ...


I am really sorry to hear all this. We pretty much had the same experience. We've got a son who is ADD and a daughter who is Dyslexic. We had multiple meetings with the school about it and found the school... well, let's just say they had absolutely no enthusiasm for doing what was right. They fought tooth and nail to not give our kids 504 status. We never did get it for either child.

We solved our sons problems with medication. He went' from making D's to making A's and B's. Our daughter.. we got her dyslexia training at the Shriners... It was free. She went from reading at the 5 percentile level to reading at the 60 percentile level. She went from making C's and D's to making all A's.

I was studying with my daughter EVERY FREAKING night from the time she got home till 8pm. I KNEW she knew the material but then she would barely pass the test. I retired when my daughter was in the 2nd grade. Yeah... we were keeping up.. but with a herculean effort. It took us until she was in the 2nd grade. I did volunteer tutoring at her school. They would give me a book and I'd take 5 kids at a time and let each one of them read a page until we finished. Lord a mercy. It was painful to hear my baby read. She stuttered/stumbled over every word. We weren't a little behind as I thought... we were WAYYYYYYYY behind. There was a pretty good gap between her and the next poorest reader.

Bottom line. The school was NO help.. They fought us tooth and toe nail. Their mindset seemed to be to do the least they could do...

Hopefully, get your sons med's regulated and he'll make it. 

Both of my kids graduated from HS with highest honors and are in college now.

Keep fighting.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I used to be disturbed that I thought the district was acting like a bunch of toddlers having a pis*ing contest, with a "Do it our way!" attitude.

Now I'm sadly seeing that this is par for the course when they want to avoid the law.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> I used to be disturbed that I thought the district was acting like a bunch of toddlers having a pis*ing contest, with a "Do it our way!" attitude.
> 
> Now I'm sadly seeing that this is par for the course when they want to avoid the law.


I think they are just lazy.

As far as my daughter was concerned... because she was making C's and on grade level.... as far as they were concerned, she was keeping up and didn't need help. As they kept saying, "Not ALL kids are A' students". They seemed to think that because she was keeping up... she really wasn't dyslexic. If I hadn't been studying with her every night, she would have failed.

My point was that my child was handicapped, that she was only keeping up through Herculean efforts. 

It fell on deaf ears. Arms crossed, rolling eyes... sighs... smirks. I just wanted to slap them. 

They wanted our children to be 2 grades behind before they started helping them..

As one meeting was ending and I could see we weren't getting anyplace... I told them, "One of these days... we're going to apply for 504 status again... and the people are going to tell me, "Why, this kid should have been 504'd a long time ago... and I'm going to tell them... 'We tried'"... And with that, we got up and left. The vice-principal... who sat in on the meeting actually apologized for the behavior of the counselors.... but said his hands were tied.

BS... I wasn't going to let my kids get two grades behind... and get so discouraged that they quit!!!

My ADD son is now in his 3rd year of Civil Engineering. He's a really good kid. Both of my kids are...


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Once we got my daughter Dyslexia training through the Shriners (every day for 2 years for an hour after school) she started knocking out A's. 

Our schools have regular classes, advanced classes, and enriched classes. She was making strait A's in regular classes. So, we moved her up to advanced and she was making A's and maybe 1 B a year. Graduated with all kinds of honors.

The key for our son was medication. He was ADD but not hyperactive. We got him on medication and started knocking out the A's and graduated with all kinds of honors. 

This is funny... When our daughter was a freshman in HS... Son was a Junior... He drove them to school. They come home one day... Daughter comes bopping in the house all excited... She announces.. "GUESS WHAT?????? I made National Honor Society!!!!"... We congratulate her... high fives all about.

They posted the list of who made it on the cafeteria wall. Then she says, "Brother made it TOO!!!"

Son comes walking a few seconds later. 

I ask him, 'Well son... how'd your day go?"

"okay."

"Well... anything exciting happen today?"

"nah"...

"Well... I heard you made National Honor Society!"

"I did????"


Hell... he probably made it 2 years ago... but he never checked the list!"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Around here, the system tries to get the parents so pissed off they pull the kids out. Then the school system has a great record - all winning students! My husband was on a few committees, and that's actually how they talked. 

One family, that made the news, the mom had been calling and calling and calling and calling, month after month, trying to get Anything done for her kid. She started recording the phone calls. The last time, she called, got the usual runaround, teacher hung up but, somehow, didn't actually hang up all the way. The mom kept recording, while all the teachers in the teacher's lounge talked about the mom not getting anything, and LAUGHED at her. And the mom got it all on tape. BIG brouhaha in the news, and the school district supposedly made changes. I stopped following after that, so don't know.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Wow. My advocate says our district is similar. Did the mom file civil rights violations charges? 

H and I talked about it last night: Son didn't get an IEP, ever, and I'm the 'mean mom' who insists on new assessments annually to be thorn in their side. They think they're scoring big time by denying him, yet that's Federally-matched funding. They get nothing additional financially for a 504, yet that's what they chose. We just shook our heads.

Son isn't so sure about the new meds. He is calmer, immediately. It's freaky. The greater test is to see if his processing and impulsivity are affected.


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## Coach8 (Jun 17, 2013)

Sorry you are having such an issue. I teach at the HS level, and the schools I teach/have taught at have been really good about working with parents and students with accommodation needs. On average, I would say I have 8-10 kids per class that are on a 504 or iep.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm shocked you don't have an IEP, that is a must and has to be followed. When I moved from city from a private to public pre-k the principal wanted to make me wait until the next year. It was April, the speech therapist pulled her aside and told her the IEP needs to be followed even if it was the last day of shool. I didn't know that and I would have stupidly waited until the new school year. We would go at 3 pm for speech therapy.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're having this problem. I have ADHD but wasn't caught until later on. I'm sometimes glad it wasn't when I hear stories like this, despite how much I had to compensate as a kid and how difficult it makes things now. This makes me so angry for you and your son. That's so ridiculous to say not sitting still and not processing consequences is not a part of ADHD. That's like the whole basis of the disorder. It's an impulse control and attention control disorder and manifests itself in many different ways depending on the personality. Him getting up to open the door for someone even though he wasn't supposed to shows he has an issue with processing all the information necessary before making the decision. He makes the decision before he considers the outcome and probably realizes the outcome afterwards. His brain just works differently. It's not misbehaving!

I'm studying for a neuroscience phd right now and a seminar I went to the other day showed how animal models of ADHD would get trained tasks wrong because they made the decision far too fast, far faster than the normal models that got them right. I do this myself, making stupid mistakes on tests I am well prepared for because I don't fully think it through. It's the same for many ADHD kids. I wish teachers would be taught the science behind things they see every day and then they might have some compassion for your son. And I wish they knew what it was like to have to sit still for hours with ADHD. If the material is engaging you, everything is amazing as ADHD also causes you to over focus as a lack of being able to redirect/control attention is the real problem, but if the material is not engaging you it's literal hell. Medication only somewhat helps. Your legs literally twitch, your heart rate rises, you keep moving just to feel better. I used to self harm before I was diagnosed to function because it was so bad. There's healthy things you can do to make it better, but it takes time and patience and someone having the compassion to help you!

Ok sorry to ramble, but that seriously is so wrong that they are not helping him but blaming instead. It really makes me so sad for your son. He's probably very smart but needs an environment that can help him. Like they say he's great in certain subjects, because they interest him! Definitely keep encouraging him on the coding, that's a great skill and something that for some reason is very interesting to a lot of people with ADHD. I'm doing a lot of coding for my lab right now, and I don't even need to take my medicine if that's what I have for the day. So that could become a very good outlet as well as career skill for him. 

Do you have any case manager that could advocate? Are there any charter school options? Could you complain to anyone higher up that they aren't working with you? Good for you though in fighting for him, even though I can't imagine how hard it is. Make sure to let him know that you are proud of him so he doesn't internalize all the teachers negative messages as much. He's probably trying very hard but can't succeed when the adults educating him are so unhelpful. Hopefully you can get better help for him and he can start having a reason to enjoy school.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

seclusion, thank you so much! I cannot tell you how good it is to see a success story.

I'm talking with the advocate tomorrow after our weekend meet was fubar'd. And yes, son is just an amazing, caring, empathetic kid, and I tell him daily.


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