# My kids hate me but wasn't my fault



## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

I seperated nearly 12 months ago from a cheating wife.

I have found someone else and my kids hate me because of this. 

They told me that "Mummy hates your new girlfriend and she said this is why you and mummy don't live together anymore"

My daughter who is 6 years old has asked me on numerous occassions why we seperated. 

I keep telling her it's because mummy and daddy don't love each other anymore. She would then say "But what if mummy still loves you" 

I reply with "Im sorry but that is not possible anymore"
She then says "But mummy doesn't want you to be with your new girlfriend and maybe she wants to live with you again"

I tell her their are other reasons why we broke up and when she gets older she will understand those reasons.

WHAT DO I SAY? 

Do I just come out and say "Well the reason that mummy and daddy seperated was because mummy wanted to be with other boys instead of being with daddy and that's why we seperated" 

It annoys me that the ex is telling the kids its my fault and they are believing her, why wouldn't they? They are very young and she could tell them anything and they'll believe it.

But its making them think Im the naughty one in all of this.


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## Needhelp911 (Nov 14, 2010)

This happened to my husband. His kids mother was the worst ex you could ever imagine. From sending panties to our house in her daughters bag to manipulating the child into thinking daddy abandoned their family. The mom was in jail when I met him (for beating up my husbands mother) and she did anything to break us up. Still to this day and its been 3 years and we have a child together. She even went as far as to saying she would kill my baby. Now the daughter hates our son and she hates me and will say anything to get daddy to agree. My husband got a restraining order against her in the past and put her in jail because she violated it. Now they get along great. But her daughter lives with us now and she constantly talks about how daddy and her mommy had true love and nobody will ever compare. This has ruined our relationship and we are seperated now because somehow this women has convinced him to spend more time with her family. Now he hangs out with her sister all the time and now my husband has lunch with his ex.I now feel like I share my husband and that maybe he never stopped loving her. I now feel like he is falling back in love with her and is only using me to clean his credit so he can go back.

Ask yourself, do you see yourself going back? Can you forgive her? Can you move on completely and never look back? If you are not sure then please end your relationship with the new woman instead of dragging her into this mess. 

If you are completely over your WIFE, (although you are separated, she is still your wife), then please put your new relationship on hold. Go to counseling with her, and try to explain to her why you feel the way you do. You are being victimized twice. Once when she cheated on you, now with your children. If you can get all of this out in front of a counselor it would be great. Get her to admit that she has told the children this even though its not true. Also, let the counselor know that you put your relationship on hold with the new women because you are still married and felt it wasn't fair even though you really want to move on. 

If she continues to tell the children these lies, and can not get over her bitterness even though you have gone to counseling, then ask the counselor to provide this evidence to the court. The court will not allow this behavior towards the children at all. The judge will order her to stop and if she doesn't she could lose custody.

I hope this helps


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I don't have an answer for you - wish I did. What your ex- is doing is unconscionable. The kids are the only innocent victims in the failed marriage, yet they are being manipulated by their mother. That just plain sucks. 

Yet, I'm not sure they can handle the truth either. It will vindicate you (if you are believed), but give them a burden to deal with at the same time. 

You can't win.

But, I noticed the word 'separated' and not 'divorced'. And you're in a relationship with another woman. I agree that may be premature (and it helps promote the idea you're the 'naughty one'). I think it's important you finalize the divorce before you move on. To the kids, they see you as still married, thus providing hope for reconciliation. Divorce, while not completely dispelling the notion, will help with the lack of psychological closure. 

You need to decide if you're in (the marriage) or out.


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## Needhelp911 (Nov 14, 2010)

Janie said:


> But, I noticed the word '*separated*' and not 'divorced'. And you're in a relationship with another woman.


Janie is absolutely correct. Even though you are separated, you are committing adultery. I know it's not fair at all. But I really think you should put the new relationship on hold. Wait until your divorce is finalized and then go back to your relationship with the other woman. In the meantime you can go to counseling with wife like I said earlier. You can also tell her, I am not going to go back, you have betrayed me twice. Once with another man and now with our children. I am hurt and I can never trust you again. But I did end the relationship with the new woman out of respect for our dwindling marriage. This does not mean I want to go back to you. I am doing this for my children. You are not the only one hurt. I am as well. I will discuss this with you in court if you do not understand and if you keep lying to our children. Then you can say, lets go to counseling so that we can work on our relationship as parents. Not as a couple but as parents and learn how to get along. Then when you get into counseling mention how hurt you are that she lied to the children about you and how you would like for her to stop.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Janie said:


> I don't have an answer for you - wish I did. What your ex- is doing is unconscionable. The kids are the only innocent victims in the failed marriage, yet they are being manipulated by their mother. That just plain sucks.
> 
> Yet, I'm not sure they can handle the truth either. It will vindicate you (if you are believed), but give them a burden to deal with at the same time.
> 
> ...


In this country you can't get divorced until you are officially seperated for 12 months.

We are not in seperation mode in the hope that we will reconcile, we are in seperation mode simply because it's law here.

Am I over my EX?: Absolutely
Do I love her anymore: Absolutely not

Totally agree with the vindication bit but will put a burden on the kids to deal with which is probably the reason I don't want to tell them the truth until they are at a mature age, and only then will I tell them if they keep hassling me for the truth. 

I know eventually I will be vindicated but in the meantime they will see me as the bad person. 

It will be quite a shock to them when I tell them and show them all the written evidence in the future. It's not something im looking forward to but no doubt they will ask me until they get truth, i suppose its only human nature.

I have had the talk with the kids, twice, about the fact that their is absolutely no way that their mother and I will ever live together again.

Thanks for the comments guys.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

mrnice said:


> In this country you can't get divorced until you are officially seperated for 12 months.


I didn't realize about the mandatory separation period. Ouch. (Probably good for divorce rates tho!)

You're in a terrible situation with an amoral person. And, the kids will be the ones who get to pay the price for this dysfunction. I'm so sorry. 

I can only imagine the pain you're in as a result. But, I admire your clarity regarding what is best for your kids. Most people think of themselves first, and figure the kids can deal with it. Or maybe don't even think of the kids, just get back at the ex.


mrnice said:


> "I know eventually I will be vindicated but in the meantime they will see me as the bad person. "


You're willing to live with this in their best interest. Bravo.

Here's the hope you have...
Maintain your standards and never stoop to hers. Be strong in your convictions and always do what you know is best for them. Be their rock they can always count on. Never stray from what you know is right. Over time, she will be revealed (this will take years). And, you will be a place of safety and security for them. And they will know this. 

Stay the course. There is a payoff... someday. And, if nothing else, you will always know you've done the best you can do.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't have a whole lot of advice for you. The only thing I can really tell you is that you should NOT tell your kids that you two are apart because of her cheating. Granted, it's the truth, but it's not a truth a young child should have to try to deal with. 

I would just continue with something along the lines of "Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore and we can't live together. But we still love you and that will never change." or whatever it is that you tell the kids. 

It sucks, but one day your kids will know the truth, when they are old enough to understand it and then you will not be blamed anymore.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Janie said:


> I didn't realize about the mandatory separation period. Ouch. (Probably good for divorce rates tho!)
> 
> You're in a terrible situation with an amoral person. And, the kids will be the ones who get to pay the price for this dysfunction. I'm so sorry.
> 
> ...



That's exactly what I will do, stay strong and NOT burden them with the truth until such time they ask for it when they are at a mature age. 

Thanks for the comments, they are strong and most of all RIGHT.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

atruckersgirl said:


> I don't have a whole lot of advice for you. The only thing I can really tell you is that you should NOT tell your kids that you two are apart because of her cheating. Granted, it's the truth, but it's not a truth a young child should have to try to deal with.
> 
> I would just continue with something along the lines of "Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore and we can't live together. But we still love you and that will never change." or whatever it is that you tell the kids.
> 
> It sucks, but one day your kids will know the truth, when they are old enough to understand it and then you will not be blamed anymore.


its hard work but I will hang in there.


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