# I think I just caught Husband with another woman



## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

I have had a gut feeling something was going on where my h is working. He works with home repairs and remodeling. He has been working on a location for a couple of months and he did not have any others helping him. He gets a guy to help him and then the painter he uses fell through. When I call he never answers I went by a couple months ago because I had to have some information and I couldn't reach him so I went by and he was in the parking lot hanging out while electricians were working. He has all the waitresses from the next door restaurant out there nothing struck me as odd. Then he started hiding his phone when he checked messages I noticed he stopped putting names with the numbers that call.

Since is painter fell through he asked me if I would come and do the painting. Ok I could use the extra cash. The thing was I had to leave for about 10 minutes each day to pick up our son. So I would go out and start his truck, this waitress would come flying out the back door and when she saw it leaving and me in it she would go back in. She would do the same upon returning. The first couple of times I let it go. Then it continued when he sent me for supplies this went on for 2 weeks. I finally said something about it to him. He has no idea who this waitress is he has never seen her and has never even talked to any of the waitresses. Ok fine I will give you that.

When I would go out in the parking lot to get something and this waitress was there or comes out she would walk across the parking lot not standing there next to the saws, tools, material etc. I had to drive by the location on Wednesday and I saw an arm and a black shirt in the doorway. Didn't think anything of it he said he had another man doing the labor work. I have not been there for 3 weeks now my painting was done. I come back through and I see this waitress has on a black shirt. my radar goes up. She has not business being in the apartment stair well where he is working. 

So I go by there yesterday to surprise him with lunch and here this waitress he doesn't know is there she was in between a two trailers facing him talking to him and when I pull in she takes off. The guy on the roof notified them of me there. I walk up to him he did not look up this is not his typical behavior when I ask what is going on he says working still will not look at me. He takes a board and hands it to the guy and and then this waitress says she was just asking them if they would be finished. STill he never looks at me and she asks me what my problem is. I don't know her only seen her in passing. That is when I lose it she and I get in an argument and still other than working husband never says a word. She then goes in and gets 4 other people and they start screaming and yelling. I tell them it is between she and I. REally it was between him and I I was asking him what was going on and unless she had been out there she had no idea that my husband and I had not spoke on the phone earlier. 

He never says a word the arguing continues and I leave. I tell her to go back in the restaurant to mind her business. She will not. I look back and dear h is propped up on the trailer where she was earlier away from all this and wil not even look at me. Even when I call out his name. I know he lied about knowing her and this is the perfect place for things to happen he had access to an empty apartment public parking so no one would know and the day before he came home telling me this persons life history but he doesn't know her.

I know I caught him in a lie but did I just catch him in more than a lie but with the other woman?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yeah....you caught 'em.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Now what?

Do you need more proof?

If so, let us know. 

For example: He needs to followed and spied on from afar. By someone he does not know. When she gets off work, or on her off days, those are the times the waitress needs watching.
You need to put a VAR in his truck.

If you want more proof, then you need to calm down and let the fur settle. Let him get comfortable again.
He will not stop. He will go further underground with this behavior.

It could be drug related, and sexual affair related, too. 
Who knows at this point?





[THM- Lilith


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

SuncMars has good ideas about getting evidence.

What you have observed IS suspicious. Don't let anybody give you garbage about maybe she was helping him or maybe her manager sent her over there or maybe he uses the napkins at the restaurant to....

Well, never mind. This is obviously suspicious.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

Oh her manager wasone of the four she went and got. Also her manager has said something to him for talking to her cook. The manager is also her aunt.

Funny part is I am not angry. He wasnt angry when he came home last night. I thought he would be uoset with me for getting mad on his job site he wasnt.

I dont understamd 2 things. Why did she,feel the need to answer for him?
The other is why he was silent and sat back and let all this unravel. Oh this person tried to get me to hit her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> Yeah....you caught 'em.


Yep. Done.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

She is probably one of "THOSE" OW's. The trashy in your face type. I bet your husband was quiet and looking down because he was trying not to poop in his pants while is mistress went all trailer.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

As much as you wanted to smash faces, do not attempt violence on someone else. It will land you in jail, and it will cost you in a law suit.
The worker was baiting you!

BTDT.

He was hoping you would be cooled off when he got home.

Hell no, he was not going to revisit this. He will try to bury this, play it down.

He knows he is guilty here. As did the other workers.
When they saw you coming they knew the jig was up.

He was fooling around with another woman.

Keep cool, keep secretly snooping.

He is on his guard now. He/she may go dormant for a few weeks.

Monitor his phone and his computer and VAR his truck.





[THM]- Lilith


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Suffice it to say, your H knows he's guilty and caught. And sounds conflict avoidant too what with his silence. And I agree that the OW is one of the in-your-face types.

You're going to have to lie low and gather more evidence. The VAR's a must.

Even if it was just a discussion about the business or whatever, it's still shady af.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

He is back down there with her today. Will be there until he gets the work done. The work he is doing is for the cities chief of polices wife she owns the aparment he is workong on and rhe building the restraunt is leasing. He has all access the guy on the roof gave them the notice I was there reason for her to get away from him.

No I had enough sense to know not to hit her. And when she was trying to get me to her aunt was screaming get ready to call the police.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Why Bother said:


> He is back down there with her today. Will be there until he gets the work done. The work he is doing is for the cities chief of polices wife she owns the aparment he is workong on and rhe building the restraunt is leasing. He has all access the guy on the roof gave them the notice I was there reason for her to get away from him.
> 
> No I had enough sense to know not to hit her. And when she was trying to get me to her aunt was screaming get ready to call the police.


Yeah, these people definitely seem to support or at least know about whatever's going on between your H and the OW. They're not to be trusted. 

Your H really went for the one that likes to stir up things and tattle to a grown-up, huh?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why Bother said:


> He is back down there with her today. Will be there until he gets the work done. The work he is doing is for the cities chief of polices wife she owns the aparment he is workong on and rhe building the restraunt is leasing. He has all access the guy on the roof gave them the notice I was there reason for her to get away from him.
> 
> No I had enough sense to know not to hit her. And when she was trying to get me to her aunt was screaming get ready to call the police.


Tell him not to bother coming home any more.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

My son was the one that pointed her out to me when,we pulled in so I am not the only one that saw it. 

She even pulls his twisting around lies saying she was somewhere else not where my son and I saw her. There is no physical way she could have been at point a and arrived at poiny b from where she was trying to say she was. Second she even tried to say she was on the right side of h when she was on the left. And then tried to say she wasnt tslking to him she was talking to the other man. Nope I am not blind or stupid.

He is one to,call me crazy when he gets caught on his lies. He even says i am as crazy as my GD mother. Switch things to where things are all me. I know I am not crazy no matter how hard he is trying to drive me insane. 

She had the nerve to tell me to grow up, to get some confidence. I had enough confidence to know what I saw and cinfident in that I was being lied to. I am grown thst is how I know there was a game being played by the 2 of them.

I have already thought about the spying drove by he wasnt there. There is no place other than this small parking lot to hide and watch to see what goes on. I would be right there. There is no parking on the street so that is out.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Well she has definitely claimed him.

The fact that he didn’t support you and help you means he has an alliance with her. He didn’t want to upset her - as much as he didn’t defend you.

She’s aggressive about claiming him...

They’ve already had sex. You are way behind in this matter. 

Why the heck didn’t YOU get in HIS face about it when he got home? You are helping him cover it up by not talking about what he’s doing!

IF he intends to kee the marriage I’d make him quit that job ASAP and never see her again. If he won’t then you know he’s willing to risk his marriage to be with her.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Gaslighting as well? Oh, OP, that VAR is a definite must. 

Everything that you hear them say or see them do they will try twisting it up and claim that you heard or saw differently.

Be on your guard. Your H is not on your side. He and the OW are full of it.

ETA: Funny that she tells you to grow up and get confident, and yet she’s the one tattling to mommy/auntie and flirting with a married man.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Agree - don’t allow him to come home.

He’s a jerk! Change the locks! You have enough info to know he doesn’t support you...and he cheats and lies. He’s no good!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Well she has definitely claimed him.
> 
> The fact that he didn’t support you and help you means he has an alliance with her. He didn’t want to upset her - as much as he didn’t defend you.
> 
> ...


Let her have him. She can fight the next slag who takes her place.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

One thing is that in the shared type of construction work H does, it makes finding someone to cheat with extremely easy.

This isn't the first time, and won't be the last.

He's experienced enough in covering his tracks to know to not start blabbering even when caught in the middle of a "her-icane".

Take no prisoners!

Good luck.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I agree... he the cheating type - and apparently not sorry he did it = it’s over... let her have him!

Drive over there and tell her after changing the locks and moving money into an acct with only your name!


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

It is perfect for people to chest rhst do these jobs. I do not think this is the first time the only time I have ever been face to face like that. Suspicuons nothing actual.

The odd part is the woman he is working for in the position in the community she and her husbamd are in I would think thst the aunt would hace called her to tell her what a bad person I was and to not be there any more or that she would fire h. I am now thinking everyone knew something was going on.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why are YOU getting SO distracted with all the details of the crap?

Look at the bottom line and decide what to DO next!

Stop trying to rationalize all THEIR crappy behaviors!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She sucks but remember your husband is worse. He is the only one who made a commitment to you.

You deserve better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> I agree... he the cheating type - and apparently not sorry he did it = it’s over... let her have him!
> 
> Drive over there and tell her after changing the locks and moving money into an acct with only your name!


And when she follows your ILLEGAL advice, are you going to be there to bail her out, etc?

No. Of course not.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Why Bother said:


> It is perfect for people to chest rhst do these jobs. I do not think this is the first time the only time I have ever been face to face like that. Suspicuons nothing actual.
> 
> The odd part is the woman he is working for in the position in the community she and her husbamd are in I would think thst the aunt would hace called her to tell her what a bad person I was and to not be there any more or that she would fire h. I am now thinking everyone knew something was going on.


Of course everyone knew. And the OW felt okay about speaking for your H because he has likely told her, her aunt, everyone, that you are a crazy loon and she was protecting her man from his BSC wife. He has probably told her he would divorce you if he wasn’t worried about what you would do. 

And boy did he handle that situation smoothly. Brilliant actually. He doesn’t say a word and lets you two women fight over him and he gets to keep a foot in both camps by not defending either of you. 

The OW was right. You do need to grow up and you do need to get some confidence. Send his cheating ass packing. There is no question what is going on with this tramp.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, you caught him. 

What's your plan?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its very sad that his workmates are supporting a couple of cheaters.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

How can you assume it’s illegal? 

It may not be illegal in her area at all.

I did both. Even if it may have been illegal I told my ex that sure - he COULD actually stay at the house but I’d be surely making him miserable every minute he was there.

He decided it was best to stay somewhere else.

If that money was in an account and my name is on the account - I have every right to do with that money what I wish to do. And if you don’t move money - you’ll find that he already got what was available.

I’m not saying spend that money... I’m just saying get it moved to your name.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you have enough information that something is up...either emotional or physical or both...it is a lying SOB, and will continue to lie. So what do you want to do...here are you options 

1. turn your back to it...and know that he will continue it
2. Tell him when he gets home that clearly he is cheating and that you will be filing for divorce 
3. Tell him that you know he is cheating and that you will now be opening the marriage yourself and see other people as well. (this one will either pull several reactions from him...
a. he will be okay with that
b. he will get pissed and tell you that he is not cheating and he will get angry with you...(because there can only be one cheater in the family) 
c. discontinue any relationship with this chick.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

What's your plan? Your H is gaslighting you. You are not crazy. You know what you saw. Steer very clear of OW. She sounds like a trailer trash ******* and I fear she will get physical or do something crazy.

That your H didn't say a word, couldn't even look you in the eye, tells you everything you need to know. And, I do think he may have enjoyed two women fighting over him. Let her have him. Gross.

If I were you I would see a lawyer immediately.

If You decide to stay, no sex until both of you get STD testing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why Bother said:


> He is back down there with her today. Will be there until he gets the work done. The work he is doing is for the cities chief of polices wife she owns the aparment he is workong on and rhe building the restraunt is leasing. He has all access the guy on the roof gave them the notice I was there reason for her to get away from him.
> 
> No I had enough sense to know not to hit her. And when she was trying to get me to her aunt was screaming get ready to call the police.


Serve him with divorce papers at the job site.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> How can you assume it’s illegal?
> 
> It may not be illegal in her area at all.
> 
> ...


*Moderator warning:-*

Because it is illegal. Your advice is potentially dangerous.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

Friday was not a day to get in touch with an attorney. I have put in calls and left messages. Waiting to hear back. As far as the serving papers at the job from what I have been told is there is a 6 month waiting or cooling off period. So he would already have moved on to the next job. No I didn't change the locks or have confronted him. I am not in the right frame of mind to do so, I want to hit him over the head with something. Also the last time we argued after he was caught lying it became aggressive and this time I feel like it would become physical. 

He hasn't said a word either. He will ask me if I want something, if I would like to have this or that. Trying to buy me things. I don't want anything and that doesn't take back what he done. He will make attempts to have small talk and I just answer with yes, no what ever you decide. He becomes agitated because I will not engage more than than that. I am not being sarcastic rude or having an attitude when I do respond. I am waiting to hear from the attorney as to what my legal rights and mainly for keeping the house. I am not leaving my home.

He hasn't even said for me to not show back up at his job. Which I take that as he is trying to get things to escalate more with her defending his bad behavior. She can have him. 

There has been some issues with us because he is going through midlife crisis. Our youngest son calls the truck he bought in January his midlife truck. I have expressed that things have been difficult with h when no one is around and then he has started saying mean and hurtful things in front of the kids, my son will say mom just hold on it will pass he is going through a midlife and he will come around. Not all people come out of a midlife crisis they stay jerks. I can't take anymore of the crisis he is having. I don't deserve it.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> She is probably one of "THOSE" OW's. The trashy in your face type. I bet your husband was quiet and looking down because he was trying not to poop in his pants while is mistress went *all trailer*.


LOL!!!!!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why Bother said:


> He is one to,call me crazy when he gets caught on his lies. He even says i am as crazy as my GD mother. Switch things to where things are all me. I know I am not crazy no matter how hard he is trying to drive me insane.


Remind me why you want to stay married to a man who cheats, gaslights you, disrespects your mother, and tries to make you take on all the guilt?

ETA: Glad to see you saw that it wasn't prudent to stay in this situation. Carry on.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

Beach123 said:


> Agree - don’t allow him to come home.
> 
> He’s a jerk! Change the locks! You have enough info to know he doesn’t support you...and he cheats and lies. He’s no good!


Just got some information from the attorney I cannot prevent him from coming home and I cannot make him leave. Just because he has done wrong and I tell him to leave then thr law is he doesnt have to.

The attorney told me to keep cool that that is best for me since he can use his AP and her family against me since there was an argument. Not to engage him for my safety until he can get me in with a consultation. So I am stuck. He said if he starts to get it recorded so there is evidence of abuse, mental, emotional, etc. Also if he confesses depending on what he confesses to can be used as fault. Since I would be on the recording as well it would be legal only one party needs to know.

No I dont want to be married to this any more. 

He is getting frustratrd because I am going about my business as if he was not even here and not talking. I dont care how his day was. Even when he does or offers it is a lie so I dont care. As far as mine goes I have nothing i want to share with him about me or my life. He is not someone I will do that with ever again.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

I discovered that husband has gotten the Verizon Location Agent so he can track me. That is fine I am doing nothing wrong. I suspect he is thinking of using this for one of two things
1. So he can twist this around on me some how
2. So he knows where I am so he doesn't get caught again.

There was a strange conversation last night and I am suppose to keep cool. Son came by sharing a discussion that was had at his work today regarding children, bullies and being ganged up on. This son does not think people should be bullied and there should only be one on one and not unequal when there is a disagreement. He will speak up. He was saying how he could not stand by and watch someone be bullied or ganged up on. His lying father said oh I can't either I would have to step in. Now he is lying to the kids I was sitting right beside him knowing he was lying.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Should of asked why he didn’t stand up for you then. 

Disable the tracker.

Also ask your lawyer about it.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

ABHale said:


> Should of asked why he didn’t stand up for you then.
> 
> Disable the tracker.
> 
> Also ask your lawyer about it.


The typical response from him when things like this come up is "DONT START". He should have stood up for me but looking back I think he was to worried about how he could calm her down. So they could continue what they were doing. They were what was important at the moment. Yet he stayed with her to do so they all were there with him when I left. 

She will be gone in a few weeks and he will be moving on to the next one. The convenience will not be there for him and he will get to see what CRAZY really is with her. I don't think she will let things go as easy as he thinks he won't be able to get out of this one so easy and all his crap will come to a head. It will be on his head not mine.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Why Bother said:


> I discovered that husband has gotten the Verizon Location Agent so he can track me. That is fine I am doing nothing wrong. I suspect he is thinking of using this for one of two things
> 1. So he can twist this around on me some how
> 2. So he knows where I am so he doesn't get caught again.
> 
> There was a strange conversation last night and I am suppose to keep cool. Son came by sharing a discussion that was had at his work today regarding children, bullies and being ganged up on. This son does not think people should be bullied and there should only be one on one and not unequal when there is a disagreement. He will speak up. He was saying how he could not stand by and watch someone be bullied or ganged up on. His lying father said oh I can't either I would have to step in. Now he is lying to the kids I was sitting right beside him knowing he was lying.


Use the Verizon location agent to make him think you are somewhere different from where you actually are.

Then get video/photos of him cheating and surprise him!

You can be like: "Do you hear me now? Divorce."


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

I was thinking the same thing when I do jace to leave I will leave my phone here. When my mom comes to town and have to her takr my phone to where ever she is going.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Why Bother said:


> Just got some information from the attorney I cannot prevent him from coming home and I cannot make him leave. Just because he has done wrong and I tell him to leave then thr law is he doesnt have to.
> 
> The attorney told me to keep cool that that is best for me since he can use his AP and her family against me since there was an argument. Not to engage him for my safety until he can get me in with a consultation. So I am stuck. He said if he starts to get it recorded so there is evidence of abuse, mental, emotional, etc. Also if he confesses depending on what he confesses to can be used as fault. Since I would be on the recording as well it would be legal only one party needs to know.
> 
> ...


You're doing great on the gray rock front, OP. 



Why Bother said:


> I discovered that husband has gotten the Verizon Location Agent so he can track me. That is fine I am doing nothing wrong. I suspect he is thinking of using this for one of two things
> 1. So he can twist this around on me some how
> 2. So he knows where I am so he doesn't get caught again.
> 
> There was a strange conversation last night and I am suppose to keep cool. Son came by sharing a discussion that was had at his work today regarding children, bullies and being ganged up on. This son does not think people should be bullied and there should only be one on one and not unequal when there is a disagreement. He will speak up. He was saying how he could not stand by and watch someone be bullied or ganged up on. His lying father said oh I can't either I would have to step in. Now he is lying to the kids I was sitting right beside him knowing he was lying.


He could also be trying to keep track of what you're doing just so he's aware that you won't pull a fast one or something. That scenario's happened before.

I hope you were able to find a good VAR. Expect those lies not to stop any time soon.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He's trying not to have any more 'surprises,' and the tracker is just part of his game plan to keep you from busting him again.

As to the midlife crisis diagnosis. I think this is usually a bull**** explanation to try to explain and justify one partner's desire for a new life, new sex, new everything.

A real midlife crisis, in my opinion, happens at any age when someone discovers true mortality, usu. after the death of a parent or the threat of a serious illness or the kids leaving the nest and getting married. Since these events typically happen in middle age, the reaction is associated mysteriously with the time of life rather than the triggering experiences.

Has your WH recently dealt with the death of a parent or a serious illness? If not, he is probably just your standard issue cheater who is gaslighting, justifying, lying, and rewriting your marital history.

You sound like you are handling things well. Forward focus. You will dump a cheater and gain a life.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why Bother said:


> The typical response from him when things like this come up is "DONT START". He should have stood up for me but looking back I think he was to worried about how he could calm her down. So they could continue what they were doing. They were what was important at the moment. Yet he stayed with her to do so they all were there with him when I left.
> 
> She will be gone in a few weeks and he will be moving on to the next one. The convenience will not be there for him and he will get to see what CRAZY really is with her. I don't think she will let things go as easy as he thinks he won't be able to get out of this one so easy and all his crap will come to a head. It will be on his head not mine.


I understand what you are saying. Get with your lawyer about the tracker on your phone.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Are you on that Verizon account? Maybe you should disable your tracker and have it placed on his phone so you can see where he is.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

Beach123 said:


> Are you on that Verizon account? Maybe you should disable your tracker and have it placed on his phone so you can see where he is.


Everything is in his name. I dont think I sm on the account I can call and ask questions about billing. The only thing that has my name on it is the house.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

alte Dame said:


> As to the midlife crisis diagnosis. I think this is usually a bull**** explanation to try to explain and justify one partner's desire for a new life, new sex, new everything.
> 
> I dont believe in the midlife crisis I see thst as a title that makes bad behavior to be excusable. I have read up on it and most of it tells the wife to take care of herself and to be patient with the husband. Basically let him do what he wants kiss his area and wait to see if he comes around. I would think if someone is faced with their mortality thst they would want to make sure their family knows they live them not destroying them.
> 
> ...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why Bother said:


> Friday was not a day to get in touch with an attorney. I have put in calls and left messages. Waiting to hear back. As far as the serving papers at the job from what I have been told is there is a 6 month waiting or cooling off period. So he would already have moved on to the next job. No I didn't change the locks or have confronted him. I am not in the right frame of mind to do so, I want to hit him over the head with something. Also the last time we argued after he was caught lying it became aggressive and this time I feel like it would become physical.
> 
> He hasn't said a word either. He will ask me if I want something, if I would like to have this or that. Trying to buy me things. I don't want anything and that doesn't take back what he done. He will make attempts to have small talk and I just answer with yes, no what ever you decide. He becomes agitated because I will not engage more than than that. I am not being sarcastic rude or having an attitude when I do respond. I am waiting to hear from the attorney as to what my legal rights and mainly for keeping the house. I am not leaving my home.
> 
> ...


Whybother, I really feel for you. He is the one with the ****ty behaviour, no remorse, no care for you, let him go have her, kick his ass to the kerb after you get legal advice. Your son should not be telling you to 'suck it up', what kind of chauvinistic advice is that? Why should you give your WH a pass, after all of this. Sheesh I want to hit your son up the side of the head too! :scratchhead:


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

My son is an adult but I think in the aspect of his parents he has the mind set of a child not wanting his parents to break up. I get thst part, but on the same hand he doesnt realize the damage that has been done to me. He doesnt see the way I am treated when he is not around. Honestly I think he is in denial and has read the crap on midlife that they come out of it. He is convinced his dad will. I am convinced this is the person he has become and I dont want a husband like that. My son will have to take the rose colored glasses off and see him for the person he is now. He Will it will take sime time but he will get to his limit too.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Why Bother said:


> My son is an adult but I think in the aspect of his parents he has the mind set of a child not wanting his parents to break up. I get thst part, but on the same hand he doesnt realize the damage that has been done to me. He doesnt see the way I am treated when he is not around. Honestly I think he is in denial and has read the crap on midlife that they come out of it. He is convinced his dad will. I am convinced this is the person he has become and I dont want a husband like that. My son will have to take the rose colored glasses off and see him for the person he is now. He Will it will take sime time but he will get to his limit too.


His father is a crappy role model. I hope your new actions teach him that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why Bother said:


> My son is an adult but I think in the aspect of his parents he has the mind set of a child not wanting his parents to break up. I get thst part, but on the same hand he doesnt realize the damage that has been done to me. He doesnt see the way I am treated when he is not around. *Honestly I think he is in denial and has read the crap on midlife that they come out of it. He is convinced his dad will.* I am convinced this is the person he has become and I dont want a husband like that. My son will have to take the rose colored glasses off and see him for the person he is now. He Will it will take sime time but he will get to his limit too.


Well he is in for a rude awakening, because there is no such thing as a mid life crisis. Its a myth, perpetrated to excuse shytty behavior. I dont know what it will take to wake your son up to reality, but I am sorry he isnt supportive.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> *One thing is that in the shared type of construction work H does, it makes finding someone to cheat with extremely easy.*
> 
> *This isn't the first time, and won't be the last.*


 *^^^^ Quoted for TRUTH. ^^^^*

You married a real piece of human refuse who actually gets his employees to 'warn' him if there's a "wife sighting" on the job site while he's half-assing his work and flirting with his side piece. If you think this is the FIRST bimbo this ass-clown has ever screwed around with since you married him, you'd be *very* mistaken. Guys like him are a dime a dozen. They take whatever opportunity their pitiful ass can get, and if all they can attract is some big mouthed, uneducated, self-important waitress who thinks she's _all _that, then *that's* what he'll settle for and be happy for the strange.

Seriously. He's a complete piece of ****.

If I were you, I'd think REAL long and REAL hard about staying with a serial cheater like this guy. This wasn't his first rodeo nor will it be his last. It's just the first rodeo in which you *CAUGHT *him.

I would highly suggest a full STD test panel for you because who KNOWS what he's picked up over the years or what this latest sled cow may have given him.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

I agree he is a crappy role model and his behavior is shytty. I don't have support. WH has even isolated me at one point from this particular son and was defending some of his actions saying he was only acting this way because I was irrational wasn't seeing things clearly and even told him that I was crazy. Son finally came around because his wife went to speaking to him about his dads behavior that she had witnessed. Still she sees more than he does because she is around the 2 of us more and the things he says and does. She says I should not have to put up with any of it and that my son should see that. 

Just like when I have gotten upset and spoke up for myself instead of getting an answer I have gotten are you hormonal is it your time. No it isn't I am just Pyssed off and calling you out on how badly you are treating me.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Why Bother said:


> I agree he is a crappy role model and his behavior is shytty. I don't have support. WH has even isolated me at one point from this particular son and was defending some of his actions saying he was only acting this way because I was irrational wasn't seeing things clearly and even told him that I was crazy. Son finally came around because his wife went to speaking to him about his dads behavior that she had witnessed. Still she sees more than he does because she is around the 2 of us more and the things he says and does. She says I should not have to put up with any of it and that my son should see that.
> 
> Just like when I have gotten upset and spoke up for myself instead of getting an answer I have gotten are you hormonal is it your time. No it isn't I am just Pyssed off and calling you out on how badly you are treating me.


Obviously, your husband doesn't care about your feelings. The only thing he'll understand is consequences through action. I think it is important for your son to see consequences, also.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm glad you're discounting the whole midlife thing. Your son's perspective, however understandable, cannot be your perspective. Spouses who try to 'wait out' the supposed midlife crisis more often than not wind up either divorced (after being a doormat) or in a miserable marriage (as a doormat). Since you don't sound like the doormat type (good for you!), your best option is to 180 your cheating husband and detach. Your emotional detachment will help you focus on your own life and will have the added benefit of driving your WH crazy, since you won't be living your life for him anymore.

(His toxic friend sounds like a peach. It's very possible that your WH has been cheating for a while.)


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Why Bother said:


> I agree he is a crappy role model and his behavior is shytty. I don't have support. WH has even isolated me at one point from this particular son and was defending some of his actions saying he was only acting this way because I was irrational wasn't seeing things clearly and even told him that I was crazy. Son finally came around because his wife went to speaking to him about his dads behavior that she had witnessed. Still she sees more than he does because she is around the 2 of us more and the things he says and does. She says I should not have to put up with any of it and that my son should see that.
> 
> Just like when I have gotten upset and spoke up for myself instead of getting an answer I have gotten are you hormonal is it your time. No it isn't I am just Pyssed off and calling you out on how badly you are treating me.


Holy cow. That was attempted parental alienation. Thank goodness for your son's wife.

This is gaslighting to an extreme, OP.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, and you may want to warn your DIL to keep an eye out for signs her husband is turning into his dad. They usually do.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I adore your DIL. She seems to be an ally and the real deal.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Ragnar Ragnasson said:
> 
> 
> > *One thing is that in the shared type of construction work H does, it makes finding someone to cheat with extremely easy.*
> ...


I have had suspicions in the past and he explained them all a way as his innocence. Like a fool I stayed. I got an STD panel because I knew he was kying and hoped he would not do it again. He doesn't know I went to the doctor and was checked. I needed to know for myself.

Yes this was the first time it was right there in my face. He hasnt said anything and he really cant say a lot because he will have to convence not only me but also our oldest child that they are crazy and that what he saw was not what he seen.

He also went back down to the job last night because it was raining and he doesnt have the roof completed. He came back trying to say there were several problems was handing out a laundry list. Our middle son went with him because hus co-worker was not going at that time of evening. I was not interested in any of the problems he has brought on himself by not getting work completed. However I was concerned when he said my son fell. Ibasked if he fell from roof, no he didn't he fell on the slick tile in the restraunt. I wanted to know if he was ok. Other than that I,could careless. 

He would not have these issues if he would work,and not ***** around. His problem.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Why Bother said:


> He made a New friend about 4 years ago and he changed. His friend is divorced had him running around talking to female,friends of his on the phone.
> Him taking him to meet women for sex. This friend is out of the picture has been for a while but that was when the behavior started abd he has gone from bad to worse.


WhyBother, the sad truth is that he's a GROWN man. He's a GROWN man who is very aware of what is right and what is wrong, he's very aware of the difference between honesty and deceit, and is completely aware of what's acceptable and what's not acceptable. He's not an impressionable 14 year old boy who befriended the 'bad kid' from the wrong side of the tracks and was led around by the nose into all kinds of trouble because of this big, bad man. Come on, now.

All your lying, serial cheating husband did was find himself a *partner* in crime when he latched onto that guy. Water seeks it's *own* level and these two had something in common - their penchant for womanizing and their complete disregard for YOUR marriage. That's why they bonded so quickly and easily and became such good friends. Peas in a pod.

I think the difference you've been seeing in the way he's acted and treated you since he befriended his 'buddy' isn't really a difference in his _behavior_ so much as I believe it's merely a slipping of the "mask" he's worn for years. It really sounds like he simply doesn't *care* enough anymore to put on the 'true-blue happily married guy' routine for you and you're just seeing how he really feels. He's full of hostility, complete and utter disdain and disrespect for you on all levels, he's verbally and emotionally ABUSIVE toward you, and he's a liar, a cheater, and a manipulator.

Get yourself your own phone through StraightTalk. I pay $36 a month for it with all the calling, texting, and data I can use. They'll let you port your current number over when you join. Make sure to thumb-print protect your *new* phone so this lame POS can't put his little tracking devices on it. I honestly don't know how you get through the day without packing your bags and leaving, because the more I read about him, the more vile he becomes.

I hope you're working on your exit plan and I hope it's soon.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

The lady thst he is doing the work for has tried to get him let her bring on another person another contractor she uses. This wsybthe work could be completed faster, he declined it.

He was talking to the son that fell and was saying this guy was suppose to have started yesterday. His mother jad brain surgery and isnt doing well. When son walked away hr said if he comes to start working he will just let him have it and he will move on to another job. I couldnt help but laugh, I think it was a reflex.

Yea he is ready to move on the party is over for him now nothing to hide he has to move on now. I dont think this big mouthed woman will let things go so easy. Honestly I hope she doesn't thst he gets the wrath of her and the trouble thst comes with her. 

He was trying to imply because if me thst this job just wasnt worth it. I know he will not do that he will remain there just like he has before. 

I am considering I dont know if this would be a good idea or not to speak with the lady that hired him. If he is working on a job if there are neighbors or people around especially females he is to busy keeping a watch on them and what thry are doing and hanging out instread of working. That if she hires him again she needs to be more present to keep him working because he isnt disciplined enough to do so without supervision. She knows that he is dragging and things not getting done again. I just dont know if this could make things difficult for me by doing so.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I wouldn't mess with his work. What good would it do? Either you are staying with him knowing he cheats on you or you are divorcing him. Either way he needs to be earning money.


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## dpoohclock (Apr 30, 2019)

Ok, you caught him. 

Now, as far as "getting proof", unless you are in one of the fewer states where that matters at all in terms of divorce, I wouldn't bother. 

Just decide if you want to stay with him or not, and go along with that decision. 

And like others have mentioned, don't screw up his employment or do anything foolish to get you into trouble. It's not worth it. 

At this point you have to be considering what you want your future to look like. Do you want to remain cordial with him? How old are the kids?


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

Kids are not children. I'm not staying with him. It is done. As far as proof goes the proof is not for divorce but for settlement. Because of how long we have been married if I have proof of abuse I have s higher chance of getting to remain in my home. If I allow him to keep the home he will not pay morgage. The attorney said more often when that happens what little credit I have established here will be lost which will make it difficult to rent with no established credit. I have only this in my name. I pay the morgage, taxes, and insurance on it he doesn't. I only have $10,000 left owed.

Besides he will be able to afford another house and has established credit thanks to me. The cars I have had were always put in his name and I made payments because they were " mine". That is why proof is needed. I dont want alimony but my home.


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## dpoohclock (Apr 30, 2019)

In that case get proof. You must be in one of those states where proof matters. 

How are you doing with the emotional aspect of this change? 

Hopefully you get a fair deal out of this. 


Credit issues post marriage are so frustrating. I Had some of those issues from my first marriage. When we split, it was just after she started working in a new field, and we had just paid off her schooling, using the income from my business to do so. And then after we split, I was now a fresh single, self employed, and she was a single, with an actual job. Jobs are looked at much more solidly when it comes to credit, at least since 2008. I struggled to even redo the mortgage in my name, and she was able to qualify easily for a house twice my value, even though we had the same income (and mine was 10+ year history..)


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

The mortgage issue will be easier for him. Also I have two of my kids still at home if you can call it that. One son built a two bay garage he paid for it in the back yard. He is here daily actually all 3 are just two will sleep here. One of them are there to help me with car repairs because WH will not. If hedoesnt pay son will lose that as well. Everyine but him has something to lose.


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