# My wife is still talking with man she left me for



## campbellj78 (Aug 16, 2009)

Almost a year ago now, while i was on deployment, my wife told me she was leaving me for another man, which she did, for about 2 weeks. During the time she was gone she became pregnant with this mans child. I love my wife, and regardless of the paternity of the child i was happy to have her back. What i didnt expect was that the relationship with this other man would continue in text messages and phone calls. I found out it was happening because of all the text messages running up my phone bill, after this of course i became, in my opinion, reasonably suspicious, and checked periodically to see if they were still communicating. It hasnt stopped and it upsets me and she knows it does, and we have had arguments about it several times. Her reasons range from " I just cant stand how he treated me and getting away with it ", and shes worried he might try for custody of the child, and once she even admitted that she missed him. I dont think this is proper at all, i am upset over it, but i really dont know what to do, i have made clear to her my feelings about this but she doesnt really seem to care. Any suggestions?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

So you are raising the other man's child? Every time she looks at that child, she may be thinking of the other man. That must be very difficult for both of you.


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## woe_is_me (Aug 12, 2009)

is the man also in the military? i'm sorry but i've seen/heard so many horror stories about wives just marrying for the benefits such as free health care. did she say her reason for coming back to you? did she say what he did to her? the only reason she should still be in contact with this guy is to discuss what to do about their child, nothing else.


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## campbellj78 (Aug 16, 2009)

That's the funny thing, she has repeatedly told me she wants him to have nothing to do with the child, but she continues to keep communicating with him. Yes I am raising the child, and i dont think of the other guy when i look at the kid at all. She left him because he treated her badly, that is what she told me, and yes he is in the military also.


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## woe_is_me (Aug 12, 2009)

sounds like she has to have her hand in both cookie jars because she can't make up her mind. you can't get over someone if your still in contact with them. if she truly wants him to have nothing to do with the child she should look into filing for custody asap. that way it's done and over with and there is no other reason/excuse to talk to him(unless the guy wants custody as well and they end up with joint). then he's never going to be out of your lives.


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## campbellj78 (Aug 16, 2009)

My wife has told me several times that the guy doesnt want to be a part of the childs life. He doesnt inquire about the baby as far as i know, hasnt offered any sort of support in anyway as far as i know. I have spoken to him and he has said he has every intention of doing what is right by the child. I dont believe him, and i dont believe her when she says she doesnt want him involved. If she does, I cant be. Im not big enough for that i guess, thats my fault i suppose. I just dont know how to handle this any better than i have. I have tried to understand her compulsion to involve him, but considering the way my wife said he treated her, i dont get it. Why would she want him to.


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## woe_is_me (Aug 12, 2009)

i say get the custoday papers and put them in front of her. tell her if she really means what she says then it should be easy for her to fill it out and not talk to him after that. and if he really means what he says, he will fill it out as well. so she's told you that she no longer has feelings for him, right? or does she only keep saying that she doesn't want him involved because of how he treated her?


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

She doesn't sound well, and frankly neither do you. I can understand forgiving an affair, but not a serial affair. The fact that he treated her badly and she continues to be drawn back, coupled with the fact that she treated you so badly, and you continue to come back, makes me think that you both are similar, but unhealthy individuals. I know this sounds bad and has little authority coming from a soon to be divorced guy after about 18 years of marriage, but some boundaries, unbreakable and firm are necessary in any relationship if it is to be considered healthy for both parties. Take it from a Dr., some times it is best to let sick things die.


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## campbellj78 (Aug 16, 2009)

I dont really know how she feels, other than she has said she doesnt think she can talk to me about certain things because i get upset. I dont really understand how I should react to her wanting to keep involving this man in our lives. I think I have done more than most men would have ever done in my situation.
Is that the problem? I agree this is not a healthy situation, i have thought of just telling her its over many times, but I cant imagine just leaving her with nothing, and noone to care for her or the child. I do love her but this continuing involvement with this guy is destroying it. She asked me once if she continued contacting him if it would ruin our marriage, and i said yes, of course it would.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

I think the custody papers are a good idea. I think after the papers are signed, cutting off communication between the two is also a good idea. The only problem arises when after you have custody and you and she get divorced...she gets child support FROM YOU. It would be even worse if she left you for him...you be paying him to raise his own kid.


Honestly, you HAVE done more then most men would do. Certainly more then I would have. I would have kicked her to the curb after getting pregnant by someone else. I think it's best for you to get out of this relationship. There are so many issues that you have now and that will come up in the future, it just isnt worth it. Not for anyone.



John


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Let me just start by thanking you for serving your country.

Is this really the kind of relationship you want to have for the rest of your life? Is this the kind of relationship you want this child to be a part of, where one partner is disrespectful of the feelings of another? And what happens if she were to get pregnant with your child? I can tell that this person means very much to her and you love her unconditionally, but if she is not returning those same feelings to you then it is not a real relationship. You are concerned about her future, but it is possible to still be friends with her and help her out with more healthy boundries for yourself. You really want a relationship with her and would be willing to do anything for her, but is she willing to show the same level of commitment to you?

If this other guy wants nothing to do with the kid then they cannot be talking about the child in all these messages. What could they have to discuss that would take so many messages you noticed it on the bill? Is there anything other than the prospect of gettin some that would compell a man to write so many messages to a woman? You need to ask her to show you these messages.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I really feel sorry for you. I usually don't get this tough on a thread, but I'm going to here. I know you must deeply love her, but this is RIDICULOUS! She doesn't love you. If she truly loved you, she wouldn't be communicating with this other man. I think he dumped her and she is still trying to get him back. First, I think you need to get some legal advice. If you legally adopt this child, you will be getting in even deeper. And another thing.... what's going to happen the next time you get deployed? You shouldn't have to be worrying about a cheating spouse when you are away. That is a distraction which could be dangerous. I hope you find a workable solution.


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## campbellj78 (Aug 16, 2009)

I cant disagree with you, because that is what my gut has been telling me since she came back. I thought that it was just doubt then, my fault, my failings. I dont think that now of course. Is it wrong to say she shouldnt have communication with this guy when he is the biological father? If it were just about the child that is one thing, but she initiates the conversations, he doesnt text message her or call her. She is telling me one thing and showing me another, I think she is lying to herself, atleast i hope that is what it is, and to me. I cant imagine what type of person would let another take the financial, emotional, responsibility for a child, have him as the father as far as the birth certificate goes, my last name, and yet still want this guy to give a damn. I dont get it at all.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sounds like she never had a doubt about you taking her back. She is thankful for you. She doesn't respect you. She made you a cuckold, and you said thank you for coming back to me. Doesn't this sound a little weak to you? At this point she needs to be worried about keeping you. Not contacting the other man. But I don't know that you can do what is required. ie, get her off all bank accounts and CC. File for divorce (even if you don't go through with it. It will protect you financially). And letting her think that you may not even want her anymore.


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