# Do. Violance



## STARJ32 (Dec 2, 2008)

So i been in this relationship for around 2 years and we have a child together. I love him with all my heart. But he put hands on me. I called the police. And now we cant see each other because i got a restraining order. 

I know what he did is wrong. But i am really depressed, i miss him so much. And i dont think i can go on with my life with out him. But how do i know he will not do that again. How can i trust that are relationship will get better. I dont want my baby to suffer from are separation like i am now. I cant stop crying, and re thinking of what i am going to do. We have a custody battle and i dont want to loose him.

People told me that i am stupid if i go back with him, but i love him so much... Its pretty hard to just walk away and pretend nothing happen. Specially if you have a baby by him. Its impossible. Some one give me some advice.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

court mandated anger management works, because the onus is put on the offender. i don't know if i can say give him one more chance, because one more time might result in a tragedy. but i do know that the authoroties monitor the progress of a person remanded to anger management through the courts.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

My advice comes from experience. If he was arrested from domestic violence and this is his first offense, he could get this dropped all the way to a traffic offense. What I suggest is calling the local prosecutor who is handling this and talk to the prosecutor. You can ask for court order anger management counseling. When I was in this position, he received court order angermanagement and three years probation. In this three years, should he have done anything domestic violence related (to me or anyone else) he would have been charged with a felony and time.
Your child is in a better position if they are not witnessing the abuse. 
Last, but not least, if he truly wants to, he can change. My husband did. That's not to say we don't have other issues, but the physical abuse stopped when I made a believer out of him by calling the police. I would tread lightly and do what you need to do for yourself. You can't change him and he has to understand what he did was wrong and want to change it.
Keep your chin up! I've been there and I know what you are going through, but I promise you it does get better!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

STARJ32 said:


> Its pretty hard to just walk away and pretend nothing happen.


It's even worse to stay and pretend nothing happened, so you definitely took the right steps by calling the police. I would take StrongEnough's advice since she has been there herself, and do what you can to push for a probationary period for him so that he knows he will have serious consequences if his violent behavior continues. As far as you and your baby are concerned, you really have to see remorse in him and a proven effort to turn himself around (therapist, anger management). Until then, I wouldn't risk it with him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> What I suggest is calling the local prosecutor who is handling this and talk to the prosecutor. You can ask for court order anger management counseling.


:iagree:

If he's serious about getting help then he wont get angry that you do this. If he gets angry that you want to call, and pressures you not to call, then you dont want him back anyway. Let him know you are serious. 

You also need to work on you. Get some counseling. You dont need him. I mean, i know you think you do, but you dont really. If you cant be ok just being you, then you and your child will take any abuse he throws your way.


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## STARJ32 (Dec 2, 2008)

THANKS FOR ALL THE COMMENTS. 

THIS IS NOT THE 1ST TIME. BUT IT SCALETED FROM JUST A PUSH TO KICKING ME AND STEPING ON ME... I HAD TO GO GET AN X-RAY TO MAKE SURE I DIDNT HAVE ANY INTERNAL BLEEDING. BUT THANK GOD EVERYTHING WAS FINE.

WHEN HE WAS CHARGED, HE GOT A FELONY, THEN THEY MADE AN OFFER, TO ADMIT HE WAS GUILTY AND he got out... he has A POFFICER. And he has to go to classes for 52 weeks for his d.v. plus the restraining order. for 3 years. 

I feel really strong for the classes. And if he completes it, I 'm willing to give him one more chance.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Well, if it's a year until he finishes, it will give you time to be on your own with your baby...make the best of this time and learn that you can do this on your own and you may love him, but you don't need him.

The most important thing here is that if you do reconcile, that you do it for the right reasons and he knows you are strong enough to walk away...the dynamics of your relationship with him will need to change dramatically so that he knows he can't slip back into his old routine if he gets frustrated.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

STARJ32 said:


> THANKS FOR ALL THE COMMENTS.
> 
> THIS IS NOT THE 1ST TIME. BUT IT SCALETED FROM JUST A PUSH TO KICKING ME AND STEPING ON ME... I HAD TO GO GET AN X-RAY TO MAKE SURE I DIDNT HAVE ANY INTERNAL BLEEDING. BUT THANK GOD EVERYTHING WAS FINE.
> 
> ...


Is he showing remorse. Geniune remorse for what happened?


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## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

Court ordered anger management rarely works as the abuser is in denial and only goes for help because they have been ordered to.Your child does not need to be witnessing what he is doing to you.You need to stay strong for yourself and your child,counselling would be a great idea.


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## brighteyes72 (Nov 16, 2008)

hockey_mom said:


> Court ordered anger management rarely works as the abuser is in denial and only goes for help because they have been ordered to.Your child does not need to be witnessing what he is doing to you.You need to stay strong for yourself and your child,counselling would be a great idea.


sorry to call you out, especially if you've been abused by a spouse or lover, but stastistic bear out the facts: anger control classes do work.

in a joint study by the university of wisconsin and the Children’s Service Society of Wisconsin,the overall recidivism rate of abuser who did NOT attend anger management was 38.8% while the recidivism rate of thosde that DID attend anger management was only 10.6%.


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## STARJ32 (Dec 2, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Is he showing remorse. Geniune remorse for what happened?



Well as far as I know HE IS. 
He has never been in Jail. I think it opened his eyes... to realize that what he did was wrong. 

From what i heard... he was going to say he was guilty from the begening but his attorny stoped him and tried to get a deal... witch he still said guilty... 

his attorney tried to harass me a little... but all i said was I will testify against him. and he stoped asking me questions. 

And about the classes to everyone ls. 

I THINK THEY DO WORK.... ITS BETTER SOMETHING THEN NOTHING AT ALL.. 
the classes can make him aware of the situation a little bit more... and not taking care of the problem can cause maybe a desaster.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I agree that anger management classes can work. Even if court ordered. The abuser (or one with the anger problem) has to be able to accept and acknowledge that they have a problem. Just like an addict. They have to realize they need help before they will be receptive to taking it. If he is showing remorse for what happened, that is a great thing. Kudos to you for standing your ground and stating that you would tesify. This is a huge step and what you are telling him is that you are NOT going to put up with this kind of abuse any longer.
If he goes to the classes and show that he is capable of changing along with some therapy, I think you can make it work. He has to be willing to help himself though first.


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## STARJ32 (Dec 2, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> I agree that anger management classes can work. Even if court ordered. The abuser (or one with the anger problem) has to be able to accept and acknowledge that they have a problem. Just like an addict. They have to realize they need help before they will be receptive to taking it. If he is showing remorse for what happened, that is a great thing. Kudos to you for standing your ground and stating that you would tesify. This is a huge step and what you are telling him is that you are NOT going to put up with this kind of abuse any longer.
> If he goes to the classes and show that he is capable of changing along with some therapy, I think you can make it work. He has to be willing to help himself though first.



Yeah thanks! Well I'm out of the state right now but we are going to see each other in court for the custudy hearing. My next question is, how do you cancel a restraining order... or make it possible for us to exchange are child. Is there a way that he can come in contact with me just for the safe exchange of are child?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

STARJ32 said:


> Yeah thanks! Well I'm out of the state right now but we are going to see each other in court for the custudy hearing. My next question is, how do you cancel a restraining order... or make it possible for us to exchange are child. Is there a way that he can come in contact with me just for the safe exchange of are child?


I would strongly suggest that you do NOT cancel the restraining order! If you cancel it now and need it later, the courts will not look too kindly upon that. At the custody hearing you will discuss exchanging your child. I strongly encourage you to do this at a local police station parking lot. You received the restraining order because you were scared of him. Don't back down here. Exchanges at a police station are common practice and avoids any other issues. Plus if something comes up, a police officer is ten feet away! Yes, you are able to be in contact regarding the child via telephone and in person. The restraining order keeps him from stalking, harrassing, or otherwise causing you to be in fear.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

coming from personal experience of being physically abused. 
my ex H used to hurt me b 4 we married , but i thought it all in jest . 
however it was the start of the real thing.
the first real thing was when he beat me on honeymoon with a ski stick because i followed the wrong ski group. used to hit and punch me every month. it became the norm.
i think your kidding yourself if you think he wil change.
you put your child and yourself at risk.
move on to someone that wont use you as there punching bag.
someone who wil love you.
keep that restraining order.
im sorry if im strong on this subject. 
but ppl get killed , my mothers cousin was one. her H murdered her in the garage.
DONT YOU THINK YOUR WORTH MORE OR YOUR CHILD.
DONT YOU THINK YOU HAVE ENDURED ENOUGH, ITS NOT AS IF ITS HAPPENED ONCE.


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## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

I work in a woman's shelter so if you need any info please send me a PM I would be happy to send some out.


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