# when to be patient?



## Cautious (Nov 17, 2009)

married 9 years together for 11. we have 5 year old boy.

I found out the she was and is having an EA 2 months ago. I've gonw through the roller coaster ride since. we tried to different MCs but stopped after the 2nd meeting with both as my W can't decide if whe wants to work on our marriage. doesn't feel connected or 'in love ' with me. 

some additional info:
last may she went off her antidepressants 
her father has pancreatic cancer and just emergency surgery

during my rollercoaster emotional ride I found her twice out with the OM. since then she asked for space and stopped wearing her ring. 

we've been splitting time at home. sometimes she stays t home when I'm here but never in the room with me. she says she's confused and would go to counseling if she knew it would work. 

I'm trying to be patient' but I felt like whenever she was out of the house for the night she was with OM. and to some extent I know that was/is the case.

I gavr an ultimatum to her to pick a relationship. she couldn't pick so I told her we were done. after that her family called me and asked me to be patient. she also sent a link to marriagebuilders to me. I backed off of my ultimatum as I don't want a divorce and also due to her familys concerns. 

so here is my dilemma. we can be nice and actually have a good time. especially if we can get away from our child. but this OM is still out there. she says its not physical, but I don't know of I can believe that --4 I've heard wo many lies. 

do I exercise patience- I'm pretty in control of the rollercoaster, see my errors and am excited to live again (im seeing a therapist that has helped me tremendously).
or do I throw out another ultimatum?

oh..... and there is a lot of stress now on her life with father and our marriage. when she was younge her folks were alcoholics fought like dogs and she says she wishes they had gotten a divorce and that her mothers career and life was held back by her father...
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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

You are in a tough place and many of us on this forum have been there - you have our sympathy...

you won't be able to last in limbo land forever - something will give - whether it is you giving an ultimatum or not...that's not the main game either - it is whether she will commit to sorting things out - 
you are willing - she is not - that's an impasse I'm afraid. 

try not make excuses /find reasons for her behaviour - past etc - they are red herrings - they may be impacting but do not excuse her unwillingness to work on marriage - 

the om has to go and she has to commit to marriage - that's just the start of things working for you guys - physical or not causes the same damage - and it is dangerous stuff. 

some folk recommend a bit of tough love to help you set your boundaries and protect yourself - there a few good threads on that - i am sure others will lend some more advice - practical advice 

look after yourself - don't make excuses for her and start putting yourself first -


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I think you did a great thing by telling her it was over then recendid. I think you should contionue that route cause you want CHANGE in her..It will force her to look at herself and in this maririage. By stepping back she can go about herself the way she was and you won't be happy for sure. Don't you want better?? My guess is your marriage wasn't very good for a while. There is only 1 way to be in a marriage. That's either your working at it or working to end it. Which way do you want??


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

I think what CorpusWife said and did in her thread is applicable here. If she is willing to reconcile, get help, and rebuild your marriage to be all that it can be then she needs to cut ties with this OM and commit to your relationship. If she doesn't cut ties, tell her that you prefer her...and you prefer your marriage...however, you won't put yourself in a position to be a fool. She must choose. If she can't choose then ask her find somewhere else to stay. She'll respect you for that. It's tough love, yes. However it cannot be delivered in angry tone and certainly not emotionally. You must respect yourself first. Be supportive but don't be a doormat.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

100% cut ties with the other man or she will NEVER be able to choose. That's a must. If she can't do it, she's given you her answer. I see no reason to be patient with that, however much her family asks. They should be getting her to get rid of the other man if they want this marriage to work so much.

Past that, it isn't their marriage so I'm not sure why you'd listen to them. They can't do the work for her. She has to make decisions and perform actions to mend things.

Her idea that she will try only if there's some sort of guarantee is nonesense. There is never a guarantee. However, she is guaranteed that the marriage will end in divorce if she continues her present behaviors. So is that her actual choice? It seems as though it is.


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## Cautious (Nov 17, 2009)

thanks all. I've been getting mich better at not being a doormat -- which I certainly was. I sacrificed myself for her for too long. I thought that was loving.

from what I read about this ea stuff. its pretty powerful and confusing stuff for my W. Trruely it is confusing to me how this s**m storm arose so fiercely. 

I do see now that our marriage wasn't fantastic... I accepted things that I now see I shouldn't have. I accepted her answers to why she couldn't sleep etc. 

I'm feeling pretty good about restating my position and rules.

I've told her I could be patient for her however I can't be patient while she still sees him.

is that what differentiates when one should be patient?

I'm tired of me making excuses for her. and generally tired. 

thanks for all your respnonses.
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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

You are on the right road cautious, stop making excuses in your head for why she does what she does, and yes I think you do need to give a firm stance...and you might not get the answer you want. But really why do we waste our time on those who do not want to be with us...by being firm one day she may realize that if she doesn't wake up she will lose you.


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## Cautious (Nov 17, 2009)

thanks ash. 

I appreciate your posts and think you really on the right track for yourself.

I spok with W this morning. Told her my position, me or the OM. she got mad said I haven't given her space she said I've been at the house every night and morning I was supposed to be gone. this is sorta true as I wanted to be there for our son. 

anyway after a bit more anger. we ended up talking about our relationship and how OM is like a vacation. of course!

anyway. well see what she says now. either way it will be hard won't it?
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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

not for you (the vacation bit) sorry what a load of cr**


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Yes, it will be hard. But either way, doing the right thing for yourself (standing up and making her choose) serves two purposes. It will make you feel better about you and put you on the road to recovery; it also is likely the best way to bring her back to reality and give you guys the best chance at reconciling. You are in a better place either way. Now, if she chooses you that's when the real work begins. You really need a quality marriage counselor at that point to lead you through putting your marriage back together and finding that groove that you so desire. If you don't have a solid plan in place, then you'll be right back where you are now, down the road.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

The OM is fantasy. Reality is much more difficult and obviously isn't something she's able to handle. Marriage is for grownups.


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## Cautious (Nov 17, 2009)

hi all. so now is the waiting game right? I've stated my case, W replied
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## Cautious (Nov 17, 2009)

lm in the waiting game now. 

after I said my part and left I heard from her. she said, 'the OM is a symptom not the cause. things have been broken for a long tine'. I told her she's right, OM is not the cause of our problems, however we can't get better with him lingering. he must disappear'

I also read about the walk away wife -- which she agrees sounds like our situation. I also read about this fog that comes over a person in an EA or PA. seems like I'm seeing that too -- she can't remember any goodtimes between us, none. sure can remember difficulties and sure can bring up the same bad incidents. ugh.

it sucks when everything I want to do I understand I cannot. can't talk, can't hug, hold her hand, be totally forthright... instead I have to stay away and somewhat aloof. this really bugs me as she says one of the big things between us was that I was so disconnected. 

now to make our relationship better/fix/exist I have to be distant?
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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I wouldn't use the word distant so much as you gave her some choices and its now up to her...and your aren't going to just be a doormat for her. And remember that you may not get the answer you want by remaining away from her, but you can not and should not blame yourself. 

In my situation I always viewed it as a basketball game, who holds the ball and whose side of the court you are on. She holds the ball right now, by you giving her her space, giving her those choices you have in a sense given her the ball. But she is still on her side of the court so nothing is happening right now. Until she makes a move just stay on your side of the court. Its hard yes, but why waste energy when you can store it up for later "storms"


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Tell her that she will never know or have what is right for her if she does not cut contact with the OM. It will take a few months for her to "get over" the loss (of the fantasy, b/c she doesn't have any idea what 'real life' would be like with the OM, that's why she said being with him is like a vacation; it is a vacation from her real life), and then some more time for her to figure out what she wants, to be married to you or single. It is very important that she think about being alone and if that is what she really wants. She should not be trying to choose between you and another man, that's just swapping one relationship for another. It will be very hard for you, but if you can get her to this point, she may decide that she can be alone (and won't be dependent on a man for her sense of self) but WANTS to be with you. That is the outcome you want, and only time allows her to figure it out. You could copy and paste this into an email for her if you think that would be the best way to share this with her. She is right, the OM is the symptom, but until she is free from her longing for the 'vacation,' she can't figure out what she really wants, and if she stays married b/c she is afraid to be alone, then you could end up in the same position down the road. Best of luck.


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