# When to know to let go...



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I am 22 years old and am currently going through a divorce. I was active duty military stationed in Texas when I met my husband. After a very short time, we got married. At first everything was fine, but within a few months I found out I was pregnant and for some reason that started arguements. We both said that we were excited to have a child, but I don't think that we were ready as a couple for that. I got moved to another base in Texas when I was around 8 months pregnant with our son. As soon as we moved out there the fights got even worse. We were far away from his family and friends that we couldn't see them a lot and we knew no one in this new base and by this time, I was so tired when I got back from work I just wanted to relax. A month later, I had our son and we promised each other that we wouldn't fight anymore. It was a stupid thing to promise. The fights got even worse. And we fought over everything. We both didn't trust the other, he thought I was cheating on him at work, I thought he was cheated on me with his ex wife, it was horrible. the middle of Feb. I found out I was pregnant again. I told him and he got excited and everything was great for awhile. The beginning of March my husband left and went back home and I have not seen him since. I called him over a period of a few weeks and begged him to come back. But he refused. From the end of March to the beginning of August I didn't hear anything from him. Not a phone call asking about our son or the pregnancy nothing! During that time I realized my role in the downfall of the marriage I realized that i needed to take responsibility for my actions (I Married him, that started all of this) and I prayed everynight that something would happen. I gave birth to a little girl the end of sept. He missed the birth. He has since continued to call me and ask about the kids but now he is stating that he wants us to be a family. He said he would do anything. There is a lot of details that I have left out. This man doesn't hold a job, was unfaithful, and one time abusive. So you might ask why I would even consider...I am scared thats why. I'm scared to be by myself with two very very young kids. I'm afraid that I won't be a good mom. I'm afraid that maybe he really has changed and I'm missing out. But most of all I'm afraid that I already have my hopes up and he will just hurt me again. I don't know what to do, I really don't. He says he has changed and I have asked for proof and according to him he is trying to get me proof...but what if I get let down again? And now I have these two children to think about...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He's changed? How about getting a job and holding it for a period of time?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Yea I know and I told him that so what do I do? Wait for him to get job and wait for him to hold on to it? And what what if he does? And what if I still can't get over everything that has happened? Do I have a duty to forget bc of the kids? And then what if he doesn't get a job? How the hell do you get over something like this...


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

You said you are scared of being alone and if you'll be a good mom. If your H left you in March and you hadn't heard from him until September, you have been alone. And guess what? I bet you did okay working, being pregnant and raising your son by yourself. Heck, you even gave birth without your H by your side! You've already proven you can do a lot without your H! 

A H should want to spend time with his wife and kids. He shouldn't leave his pregnant wife and son. That's not right and you shouldn't want a H who ditches his family when they need him most. 

I'm 27 and going through a divorce as well. I too am scared of being alone. But then I realized that the majority of our relationship I have been alone (my H works long hours and weekends). I am no stranger to loneliness and I've done okay.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Your right I know. And I did do ok, Not going to lie. There were plenty of nights I cried, and every night I would pray that God would let us be a family again. Now I guess its back to being almost as hard as it was when he first left me only bc he is now in contact with me again and he is saying all the things that I want to hear. And I want to believe him. And I would be lying if I told you that he didn't already hold my heart again. I look at the kids we created and it makes me want to cry. My son will turn one in November and just yesterday my daughter turned one month old. It doesn't seem right, it just doesn;t fit. I feel the void of not having my husband around and yes it seems so so so obvious as to why I should just pick up the pieces and forget him. Easier said then done. I want to believe him I want to believe he's changed! I guess for lack of anything better to say, I'm lost in the sauce. And this is all so fresh...it just hurts, I just want to know what to do and how to heal.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I just want to call him...been awhile since I heard from him, and just ask him why.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash, I'd be extremely cautious about trusting him. He sounds terribly immature and any overture about being a family is probably a short lived reaction to some temporary lonliness. If he's been unfaithful, and failed to step up, the next piece of ass that comes along will distract him long enough from his guilt that he'll disappear again.

I get drawn into my exW periodically. She takes a step towards me, and i feel some hope that it can somehow be sorted out, then she backs off again. It's like I reach out to touch her, but she backs away to always be slightly out of reach, and the effect is that I fall over trying to reach her. Then I'm hurt. Pick myself up again, and the whole thing starts again.

Work on moving on with your life. If he somehow comes around and can prove he's not a flake thru persistence and responsibility and love, you can give yourself the option at that point. But assume he won't and you can be pleasantly surprised if you're proven wrong.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Tuesday I met with a pastor to gain some new perspective and get a reality check on my situation. He also told me, SS, that I should be cautious and that he sounds immature (when we were married, he was, he says that has now changed) The pastor told me to not call him until Friday. He says I need time to think things over and yes I have his children and he has a right to know what is going on with them, but I didn't hear from him for five months, a few days won't kill him. He gave me a list of hurdles to give to him, things that will prove to me whether or not he really has changed.

1)GEt a job and prove that he can hold it 

2)Go to counseling and to give permission to the counselor to speak to me over the phone (he lives in TX)

3)Send some amount of money biweekly to me to help out with the bills and the kids

4)Communicate x times a week on a set day/time to discuss the kids...that's it.

5) After a period of 3 months of doing all of this he flies up here or pays for my ticket to fly down there and we can talk about where we want to take it from here. He does not suggest bringign the children only bc at the moment they don't know him and are unscathed by all of this.

6) Join the Army. This one is mine only bc I know what it did for me and then I would know it would always be a steady paycheck/job and the discipline does wonders.

So these are the hurdles for him. I have some for me. For example part of the problem in our marriage is that I could at times be jealous. He has an ex wife that he occasionaly had to deal with regarding his daughter but during our marriage two other woman popped up asking for paternity tests. So now he has a total of 3 kids with 3 different woman and yes that got to me. So I have some things that I need to work on to, such as if I can even deal with him having 3 other children.

So I have not called him but it has been hard. Its Thurs morning and I haven't even so much as gotten a call from him to see how me and the kids are doing (yes I would have ignored his calls until Friday but I really would have thought he would have called me by now, we had been consistently communicating via phone, text, email up until this week) I am afraid about tomorrow, I'm afraid that he won't even entertain these "hurdles" and I'm afraid that once again he has moved on and left me to pick up all the pieces.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: You are an incredibly strong young woman. I know you love the father of your children. Ask yourself what he would be ADDING to the relationship? A husband isn't supposed to be a burden. You don't want to have to look over your shoulder, feed another person, and raise another kid!

It's great that you reached out to a minister. He will be a good support and role model for the right thing to do. Sometimes our emotions get in the way. He will help guide you toward the healthy option.

You are really strong and I commend you.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thank you Corpus, its still so hard thou. I look at them (the kids) and it just makes it even worse. I know that sounds terrible to say. I made horrible decisions in my life and now I'm paying for them it just sucks becasue now I'm in a life that I never ever thought would happen to me. To be 22 with 2 kids and to have your husband who you love just want nothing to do with you, then says he wants a relationship then to not hear from him, its quite a rollercoaster.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'd like to recommend against the army for him if he is immature esp. if he is a cheater.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash - Your pastor gave you good advice IF he's serious about a relationship with you. The problem is he's probably not serious. He's making emotional, reactive decisions and acting like a boy, not a man.

Really, at this point, your best option is to detach. Focus on making a great life for yourself, and accept your situation. You can't control him and waiting for him to step up just puts your own life on hold. 

You're a strong woman and you can make a great life for both yourself and your kids.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Are you still in the military?

You are young and strong. In this moment, you feel weak but look at all you have done at 22 years! You can't let a weak man take that away from you.

There are many fish in the ocean. I know..you don't want to THINK about it! Your picks will be extremely different than what you've made in the past. You aren't destined for a miserable life because you have two kids and an estranged husband. 

Over time, you will heal and you will build upon what you already have...


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I caved today. I called him. We talked for probably about an hour. I gave him the list and told him that is what he needed to do. He said he would do it. So I guess all I can do is wait and see. Now, for working on me...Regardless of whether or not I get back with him I can recognize the difficulties that I brought to the marriage...how can I get over my jealousy issues? What are ways that can help me manage that. Again, even if it is not with him...I don't want these issues popping up in a relationship even down the road. I will post details of our phone converstion in a bit. It has left me kinda drained, and I think I need a run.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

And no Corpus I got out of the military after doing four years in April of this year.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash - you may not feel like it - but you are amazing and a very accomplished young woman and you will have a good life -
having the sense to reach out to your pastor and on this forum and having 'time' to do so despite having 2 young children is proof that you are sensible and clear in a crisis and just the fact of having kids is proof that you are strong...you have to be...

you are going through a crisis and a very difficult time in your life and you are young in years....you have married a boy who hasn't been able to grow with life as you have. 

You have no choice but to grow up now - he is putting it off. 

You won't be able to wait for him - 

Hope you went for a run - your instincts are so spot on - the exercies will release those endorphins and you'll be energised and able to cope.

honestly you are doing really well!!!!!!!!!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: If he is willing to do these things on the "list" than wait for him to prove himself. Not weeks but months. It takes months to create a change....Think of it like getting yourself in shape when you've been a couch potato. It will take time and effort.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thank you to all of you that have responded to my crisis...I was hesitant to do something like this at first but it is helping, and I continue to need these reality checks from all of you. I am going to give him another chance, however on the phone I told him that I am expecting it not to work, I told him that he needs to complete everything on that list, and that I am going to move forward with my life, ie: look at colleges in this area to further my career and not wait for him to make up his mind. I am still afraid of the outcome. No matter what I say to him, I will tell all of you that I hope, I pray that it does work. It just doesn't feel right. A pit in my stomach or an elephant on my chest, take your pick I'm sure you all have felt it. We agreed that the phone conversations need to slow way down and the next time we will talk will be on Sunday and that we will keep it strictly about the children. This will be hard. I let my emotions get involved again. I was pretty harsh and cold on the phone (which I know I need to be right now) and I told him that I have no emotional feelings for him right now...that pissed him off and he probably knows I'm lying but I need to keep it this way...I just don't know how


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Do what you need to protect yourself. Distance and boundaries are healthy until he comes up with the "proof." 

Of course you are hesitant and have an elephant on your chest...you also have a wall surrounding you. That is not only good it's healthy for now. 

Do what you need to do to be the best ASH that you can. If things don't work out....then you are still left with your choices for YOUR life. I hope they do work out for you.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

So I woke up this morning feeling a little better. Could have been that my newborn daughter slept better! I will not lie I let my mind drift to a few months forward, imaging that we would all be a family again when it is all so up in the air now. I wrote a list of things for me to get done today, hopefully I'll be able to cross them off. Haven't heard from him, which yes I know we agreed we wouldn't talk until Sunday so I can't say anything really yet. I will keep everyone posted.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

This is harder than I thought...this morning I was ok...now I'm not. I guess this really is a rollercoaster of a ride. I spoke to my pastor again today, keep him updated. And I am debating about seeing a counselor. Like i have mentioned previously I know I have some issues that I need to work out...but I'm hesitant. It is very hard for me to talk to someone and then some moments I wonder why bother bc it doesn't seem like this pain, these feelings will ever go away for my husband...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash see a counsellor - they can help you understand and deal with yor feelings - and if you have 'issues' perhaps you will want to discuss these as well...
I wouldn't debate this one - I'd just book an appointment.
You will get through - you just will.

The ups and downs are completely 'normal' it is just because they are so intense we feel like we are going nuts

how come i was ok this morning and now I am weeping?
why was I so calm and now I am so angry?

go with them - don't fight them...

over time they settle


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I wish it could happen quickly..but I'm already a naturally emotional person...and just looking at the kids makes me think of him. I'm going out tonight, got a babysitter, but honestly I don't even want to but I know I need to. It just sucks when the only person you want to go out wit isn't here...and you just don't know why


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

So I went out last night...and I did have fun. But in the back of my mind I was constantly thinking about him, about what he was doing. This morning I woke up (and you know how much the world has changed when you do things like this) I went onto his Myspace. Last week over the phone he told me he was going to delete it even states that on his page....but of course he has yet to. Its juvenile I know, but things like that hurt me too. The people he talks to on there, the things he says...I hate it! The general census I get from here and from the people I talk to is that I really can only change myself, that is so hard! Why can't my H just see it for what it is! I am going to just start focusing on me, please hold me to that. Part of me really really really wants to believe that this is going to work...but if I really just sit down and quietly think...I can't see how it will. The stuff that he has done to me has left a very big mark on me. How he could leave me pregnant with a 3 month old in a city I didn't even know is just one of those things. But I miss him! And that's whats crazy. And right now you just can't imagine being with anyone else, bc frankly you don't want to be! And why is that? After everything he has done it is so obviously...so why do you just keep holding out.


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Hi Ash
Just Love YOURSELF. when the emotions come...ask yourself...who is going to love you and NOT HURT YOU....that would be YOU...
get on with your life...be positive for your children. 

They only have you...You are A strong woman...

SCHOOL will also help you feel good about yourself and learn that jealousy never needs to be there for you are a beautiful, smart, loving person and mother...

Jealousy is A negative emotion, negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear....

This is NOT you ASH...SO be POSITIVE and LOVE yourself first...when you do this...YOU will find that someone that will LOVE YOU...


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash22 said:


> So I went out last night...and I did have fun.


Ash you must continue to do this...over and and over and over until....YOU have enough friends to take your mind off of him...

this means keep yourself busy...and at some point
You'll forget who he is in time....I know when you look at your children you'll go there...

Do NOT go to his MYSPACE FACEBOOK TWITTER ...ect....

This makes you feel bad again....it brings YOU down....stop doing this to yourself...IT'S not postive...
ask yourself are you loving yourself today...

Remember LOVE you...NO one is going to but YOU....


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's wonderful that your forced yourself out! I didn't feel like going out last night but I forced myself. I am always glad that I did!

In your situation it is even more important as your household is full and it's your full responsibility. Plan on doing this weekly...if you can! 

It's all difficult. You H did some pretty selfish things. I'm sure you love him for the positive traits that he has...of course. Most people have SOME positive traits. 

You can still love someone and realize that they may not be healthy for us. It's also to important to remember that your H will be a role model for the children..if he is allowed back in their lives.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thanks again to everyone! I'm sure you all feel the same way...this is definetly helping me and I only started doing this a few days ago. And to you Ilovemyfeelings...I keep going back to read that one sentence, telling my not to go on any of his web pages or anything...your right, but it is hard so hard. He is soo far away, in a sense it prob makes is easier bc we can't see each other, but on the other end of the spectrum it makes it harder too bc I have no idea what he is doing. And sometimes your mind is your own worst enemy. I find myself at the strangest times, brushing my teeth, and all of a sudden an image of what he might be doing or what he HAS done jumps into my brain. I try to force it out of my brain but it is exhausting! And I already am tired. I feel like I'm being drained in every direction. I did go out last night and I did have fun but I felt guilty to in regards to my children. It is very hard for me to ask my parents to watch them, and I feel selfish when I do. Its just another thing that stresses me out. Still haven't heard anything from my H since Thurs when we talked, and we agreed then that he would call me Sunday Afternoon to talk about the kids. I'm nervous about that already! But at the same time I keep thinking about it, about everything that I want to say but know I shouldn't. Today I just wanted to call him and yell at him after I went onto his myspace bc he told me he would delete it and he hasn't and he still goes on and talks about god knows what. He makes me so angry so hurt and yet why oh why do I still want us to be together? This is nuts!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: Prepare for the worst (that he won't do anything on the list) and hope for the best. It's up to him to prove himself.


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash22 said:


> Thanks again to everyone! I'm sure you all feel the same way...this is definetly helping me and I only started doing this a few days ago. And to you Ilovemyfeelings...I keep going back to read that one sentence, telling my not to go on any of his web pages or anything...your right, but it is hard so hard. He is soo far away, in a sense it prob makes is easier bc we can't see each other, but on the other end of the spectrum it makes it harder too bc I have no idea what he is doing. And sometimes your mind is your own worst enemy. I find myself at the strangest times, brushing my teeth, and all of a sudden an image of what he might be doing or what he HAS done jumps into my brain. I try to force it out of my brain but it is exhausting! And I already am tired. I feel like I'm being drained in every direction. I did go out last night and I did have fun but I felt guilty to in regards to my children. It is very hard for me to ask my parents to watch them, and I feel selfish when I do. Its just another thing that stresses me out. Still haven't heard anything from my H since Thurs when we talked, and we agreed then that he would call me Sunday Afternoon to talk about the kids. I'm nervous about that already! But at the same time I keep thinking about it, about everything that I want to say but know I shouldn't. Today I just wanted to call him and yell at him after I went onto his myspace bc he told me he would delete it and he hasn't and he still goes on and talks about god knows what. He makes me so angry so hurt and yet why oh why do I still want us to be together? This is nuts!


Ash, you need NOT worry about what he does because he may NOT be what you want anyway...

This is why it's so important to place him out of your mind...YOU can NOT act like YOU care about HIS myspace accounts or any other accounts...

Self-esteem is the key to getting love from a man. If you don't feel good about yourself, you'll almost automatically be attracted to and attract a man who doesn't feel good about himself, either - and so he will be incapable of loving YOU.

No matter how much you do or how sweet and sexy you are, and how many things you do and say the "right way" you will never change your relationship until you start to change the way you feel about yourself.

this jealousy is a self esteem problem...YOU are a GODDESS and you are beautiful this is the LOVE you need to hear from yourself...

So when the wrong guy comes along or the right one...they are going to know that you feel good about YOU...

NO one can have yourself esteem unless you give them that power

So by looking at his MYspace...gives him alot of power...
If a MAN loves YOU then he will show it each and everyday...
Hands down...but YOU have to LOVE YOURSELF first...and I know you LOVE you....right?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I am going to bed and I feel sick to my stomach. I just put my children to bed and I keep looking at my phone just wanting to call him. He texted me a a few hours ago to ask about the children. And I answered but like I said it was just about the kids, which is good. We are supposed to talk tom afternoon, lets see if that happens. Again, I'm going to bed and this is soo hard so I came on to read what everyone posted for me to help me stay strong.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know it was a difficult week without the contact but you did it! 

Good for you. 

Today (Sunday) you can "officially" talk. What are you hoping to hear?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Well I know we both said that we will keep the convesations just about the kids right now, but I guess I also want to hear that he has done some stuff on that list, but I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up. Will keep you posted. he should be calling in about 15 mins


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I hope the conversation goes well Ash. Keep your head up!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Well its now an hour after 2 and I still haven't heard from him. I wonder now if he even remembers that he needs to call or when he finally does call what excuse, if any, he will give me...


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash, I could have guessed he wasn't going to call. The reality is that he has his head so far up his ass right now, he's totally unrealible. Think of him like an addict. You can trust an addict and they always come with some bs excuse or other for their behavior.

Your challenge is to detach. Remove any expectations and protect your heart. Assume he won't come through. Don't make plans, because you'll just be disappointed.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Oh Ash, is this just like him anyway? vague on details?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Yea, I keep telling myself that thats what I'm doing, to do that, but it is easier said then done. I called him a few minutes ago, I gave into my anger, but surprise surprise he didn't pick up. I sent him a text asking that he needs to call when he says he will and that we will talk next Sunday if he calls at the agreed time. I then asked him to not do this whenn the kids get older. If he tells them that he is going to call at a certain time he needs to call at the time. My heart hurts. I know KNOW that I need to let it go and move him...but I was holding out no matter what I said...I really was holding out that he would call at 2 on the dot. It just didn't turn out that way. I didn't wake up with this hurt, thinking I was going to be talking to him, but now I have it...and its only a few hours later. This rollercoaster is going to take its toll on me.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I sent him this email a few minutes ago, he wouldn't pick up the phone. This hurts so much.


I been trying fo call you, but I figured I should let it go and I'll just write you this email. I can't do this anymore. I woke up this morning excited to hear from you. And then I didn't. I know you are now not deleting your myspace. Its just little things like that Cody, that I can't continue to see or go through. We had a pretty bad marriage. And I think its safe to say that we are not good for each other. I gave you a list of things that I needed to see from you and yes I expected this outcome, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt any less. I'm moving on from you Cody. And even as I type this it hurts. I can't be with a grown man who continues to act the way you do. All you had to do was call at one your time and ask about the kids, all you had to do was delete your damn myspace, things like that would have shown me you were for real. I knew we weren't going to talk on the phone long today. I had everything that i wanted to tell you about the kids in my head. I had taken them to church today, I wanted to tell you about how they were in the nursry. I really wish that this had ended differently, or that things were going well, or that maybe we would someday be together, but the truth is we won't. Because you haven't changed and you won't change. And to be honest I don't want a role model like you around my son and my daughter. I wish you the best Cody and hope you and your family will be good for years and years to come, and I wish that we could have been a family. But I will not continue to put my heart thru this. You failed. And I'm praying and praying and praying that one day I will be able to forgive you and to let go of this anger that I have towards you. All I can do is let you go.

Goodbye

Ashley.


As far as communication for the kids you call when you get yourself together. And I will expect financial help with them if you choose to be involved. If not then I ask that you sign over your rights so that will children will remain untouched by this.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Well done sweetheart - its' a step in the right direction. 
You are strong clear and honest with him.
He has no idea what he is giving up...
for now this is the best way to protect yourself...
all power to you!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Good job Ash. Not easy but you did a great job!

He's a selfish man that needs will pay the price. 

You take care of you and those kids like you are....


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I keep rereading the email, and I'm glad I sent it. But everytime I read it I wonder how it got this far. How come my marriage has to end like this? How come I have two kids, am 22 years old, and my husband literally walked out without a second thought? How do marriages end like this? With one person who cares and one who doesn't?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Sweetie, I think every one of us wonders that exact question. How did I end up being a _x_ year old man/woman, with _x_ kids, alone and abandoned by the spouse I loved?

The answer is that the person you loved is a deeply flawed person who couldn't get past his own issues to be an effective man. You let love cloud your judgment.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's surreal isn't it? We ALL feel this way.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

No it's not in our life plan.....


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I am going to bed. I still feel the heaviness. Glad I told him I was done but I still feel the pain keep expecting him to call and tell me he is sorry. I know its just wishful thinking thou.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash - truth is he may do that - but that is only a small step - he has a long way to go in order to be the husband you need...look after yourself as best you can...


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

Ash, I ask mysel the same questions. I was 21 with 3 kids. I am now 28 and my husband has decided he wants out of our marriage. It has been the hardest thing ever for me and the kids. He just turned 30 so I'm guessing that has something to do with it, but who knows.
I want to call him and text him all the time. I wish I could just forget about him. But at the same time I wish I had him by my side, even after everything he has done to me and put me through.

I dont have advice for you because I to am so confused and this is so new to me. But I am here to listen, and talk. I know what ur feeling!


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash22 said:


> I keep rereading the email, and I'm glad I sent it. But everytime I read it I wonder how it got this far. How come my marriage has to end like this? How come I have two kids, am 22 years old, and my husband literally walked out without a second thought? How do marriages end like this? With one person who cares and one who doesn't?


You did a wonderful job be proud of yourself. NOW change your number....PLEASE!!!
He is NOT going to grow up over night!

This will help you move forward! I would like to say this man is responsible and will pay his child support...but you won't see that either...please do not look at his myspace accounts ect....DO YOURSELF A FAVOR...

Remember Ash; Love doesn't hurt...


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> It's surreal isn't it? We ALL feel this way.


Yes, we do. I'm so sorry for your pain. But you're doing really well, even though it doesn't feel like it. Keep using this forum and take care of you.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

You all are so right...I guess I just need to keep hearing it over and over and over again. I knew when he first contacted me to get back together that it would end bad, I knew in my head that I can't be with this man, he did horrible things and to leave a very young son and to have never met your daughter and to not care should make it even easier. Its so strange isn't it? That these men and women hurt us and we continue to wish that it would be fixed and that we could continue on in our marriage. But some marriages aren't ment to be fixed are they? That;s my problem I keep thinking that I can fix it? But honestly do you think that I can? It's exhausting its like walking on egg shells. He texted me last night and basically stated he won't read my email, hopes that whatever it says that I don't mean and that I'm being dramatic just over the fact that he didn't call when he said he would. But its in the little things right? It's like this man has some strange hold on me and just with a few little words can make me feel such opposite emotions. I can't contact him, but I will need all of you to help me thru this. And I will do what I can for all of you.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: Of course you want the "picture" of a family. You want your H to be a part of it in an ideal way. He just may not be capable. 

There is nothing wrong with this. It just isn't the reality now. You will have a better life without him if he's this type of man. 

Of course you know you can't fix him or anyone else. Hell! People have hard enough times fixing themselves!!!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Yeah your right so now that I told him that its over, what is the next step...how do I "fix" me? Where do I go from here when i feel pretty much shattered in every place.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Am I going to remember him for the rest of my life? And when I remember him will it always hurt, I don't want that. It feels like everything is over inside.


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash22 said:


> Yeah your right so now that I told him that its over, what is the next step...how do I "fix" me? Where do I go from here when i feel pretty much shattered in every place.


a) What do you love about you?
b) What are you great at?

Pour yourself in something YOU love to do!

This is where you will find YOU and love you...then you will find him and he will love the package deal...

I met a man that could NOT have children...and he wanted a woman that had children...*they are out there*...they are single...and waiting to be loved too...JUST know this IF YOU don't love yourself first...No one will love you...seriously...men don't like insecure women...you need to start dating...this doesn't mean have sex but get out and enjoy your life again...move ON....


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash22 said:


> Am I going to remember him for the rest of my life? And when I remember him will it always hurt, I don't want that. It feels like everything is over inside.


Yes you WILL...and he gave you beautiful children *and that is it...*

NO it will NOT always hurt because YOU will find love again. You are a young woman...YOU will find love...

How To Feel Better And Be Happier


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with the above poster-Ash. You will always remember but your hurt will diminish over time....


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Now I'm angry at him. I know I will go through many different emotions but its hard bc I had gone through all of this before. Like I said in my very first post he left the end of Feb this year. My son was 3 months and I was 2 months pregnant (yeah I know!) when he left for about 2 weeks I was calling him asking him to come back (He lived on the other side of TX where I was stationed at) he was the biggest jerk to me. Just the things he said still rings in my mind. About a month and a half after he left I left TX and moved up north to receive help from my family. The last time I had talked to him was the beginning of April and the conversation hadn't gone well. Next time I heard from him was August. And then not until the end of September after I had my daughter. It was then that he brought us being together up. I was slowly healing during those months slowly repairing and then he hits me with this and I wanted to believe and I did. And you know it hurts more this time. BC I thought that he had changed that maybe this long sepertion woke him up, but it didn't and it wont. Today is the day that I can sign the divorce papers. I never ever ever dreamed that this would be happening to me. Yes I know the pain goes away and yes I know I need to just move on and love myself but my thing is is why? Why, when I didn't ask for this am I the one who has to suffer? He apparently has no cares, no worries, feels he doesn't even need to help me out financially with the kids, so why for the rest of my life will I remember him? I didn't want this at all. Why can't he feel pain too. I am very very hurt and extremly angry and I want to call him and curse him out. I know it won't solve anything...but why do I have to suffer even if it does eventually go away when I'm not the one who caused this. I am not saying im perfect I know I did stuff to to get the marriage to be how it ended, but HE was the one that walked out without looking back...and right now I really really hate him.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash there's a Chinese saying - "if you live long enough you'll suffer" -
now yours is coming early in life but the pain will diminish over time - we are all testament to that...one day you won't care whether he is or is not capable of feeling pain - you'll be too busy enjoying your life....but it's early days yet - another cliche that I didn't get til this happened to me - "time heals all wounds" - you are strong, smart, logical and you have two kids who are going to grow up to see you as the centre of their amazing world..they will always admire, respect and believe in you for getting yourself through this tough time - they will pay you back in bucket loads -


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: That was a an awful experience for you..to be pregnant and alone with a baby and pregnant. I can't imagine. It only proves your strength. Amazing! You have every right to be angry-really angry. Just don't let that anger stay for too long....it will eat you alive and he doesn't feel it (although you probably would like him to).

Think 10 years from now...where you want to be and what kind of life you would have with him. I don't think it would be great. I don't think he would be helpful or consistent at all. Better to cut him out early than live this kind of life for years.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I am going to bed and I am just going to pray, something that I have not done in a long time, I guess thats what happens when you are really lost. Again thanks to everyone for their support.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Today I woke up with that emptiness in me, I'm sure most of you know the feeling. It will be a hard day today. Today is the first day that I go back to work after having my daughter. Although I know it will be good for me to get out and actually start working, the fact that I will have to "fake it" and know I will think of him all day is already draining me.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know this is a turning point for you. Stay strong Ash...you already have a good head on your shoulders. Your children are lucky to have you.


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash22 said:


> Today I woke up with that emptiness in me, I'm sure most of you know the feeling. It will be a hard day today. Today is the first day that I go back to work after having my daughter. Although I know it will be good for me to get out and actually start working, the fact that I will have to "fake it" and know I will think of him all day is already draining me.


You are strong Ash...
Let me ask you this...How would like to have spent 16- 20 years or 30 with him... then all of the sudden he just doesn't want to be married....
You are so lucky that you don't have to waist another day on this A**...he has given up all rights...to ever get to know YOU and YOUR children...this is his problem now... NOT yours...
Have a great day at Work...: )


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Yep Ash fake it till you make it - another cliche I live by!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Just got back from work...It was pretty exhausting. But in a way it was good to get out. I'm a nurse so for the 8 hrs I focused on my patients problems and not mine. But don't get me wrong I thought about him prob every minute. I know it will get better, but it just doesn't keep me from wishing that I wasn't even going through this. I was talking to one of my coworkers who went through a similiar situation a long time ago and she says know she just hates him and can't stand him and went on and on about him (the guy sounded horrible I'll give her that). And as she was talking I kept thinking about my situation. Her H was horrible to her kids thats why she left and thats why she can't stand him. Mine was not he just walked out on them and did all those horrible things to me, luckily they didn't witness it. But then the devil crept up to me and I started to think that maybe it was my fault. Was I that bad? Did I nag to much? Did I ask to much? Did I not buy him enough stuff? Was I too jealous? What if my flaws were big enough that I caused this divorce. I still haven't signed the papers...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Nope don't go there! I won't let you!! haha

If YOU caused the divorce then it STILL gives him no reason to abandon his children. Period.

You didn't cause this divorce...part of that is the "hit" you got from him when he was with you. I'd imagine that he wasn't a very nice guy at times and you probably were taken down a notch by him???
Now you think it was your fault. Even in the best of circumstances it's 50/50. We all play a role. Some play more of a role than others...perhaps you didn't set your boundaries clear or you gave in too much etc.

I have no doubt that you kids, if he had stayed, would have witnessed the very thing things that you say they are "lucky" to NOT have witnessed!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Some people carry bitterness around for years - and it can be scary talking to them - keep on talking and you'll find far more people who have moved through these trying times with such dignity and strength - they're the people you need to talk to you - you won't be bitter Ash - and you won't blame yourself for long - I think it's natural to do a bit of that but you'll get through it pretty quickly - I know CW and I keep on saying but you really are an amazing young woman - we can tell that already - I am twice as old as you and yet I feel humbled by your strength ...you have very lucky children indeed...


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I went out today with one of my friends during my sons nap and took my daughter with me. It doesn't completely take the pain away but it does definetly help me get my mind of him. Still haven't heard a damn thing from him, not even asking about the kids! I guess I may be in for another long 5 months of not hearing anything from him. He makes me angry. I put a call into my lawyer today, I need to go throu with this divorce.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Believe it or not he is doing you a favour not contacting you - it will help you move on quicker and in your case I think this is an absolute positive - you are so young and have so much to offer you will meet a man who will love and respect as you deserve. You just will. Get that divorce started!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree (again) with Knortoh. His contacting you whenever he wants just keeps you hanging on!

You're a nurse and taking care of those babies. Get that divorce and move on girl! No need waiting on a deadbeat dad!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Just got back from taking my son trick or treating at my work. Its sad bc the people i work for all assume I'm married and everytime they see me they ask where my H is. I feel like saying well when you find him let me know. During the day I can deal with it, almost forget it. At night, this is really really hard...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Oh Ash that is sad - they sre some of the more difficult things to deal with - take care


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I am off to bed. A pretty good day all in all. Thought about him throughout the day, yes. Checked my phone more than normal, yes. Looked at his myspace, yes. So I know I still have some stuff that I need to work on. I know that what I am doing is not healthy, I need to just give it up and let it go. You know what I was thinking about today...how many times does something have to happen or for someone to do something, that it sinks in? In other words how many times will it take for me to just get it! Just get that fact that my marriage is over! It's so simple to type yet I still find myself throughout the day daydreaming of us being a family. Doing stupid things like grocery shopping or watching TV. And then of watching the kids grow up together. All in all I guess its one of those things that I am slowly, SLOWLY, starting to accept in my head but not nearly even close to accepting it in my heart. How does he sleep at night? How does he sleep knowing that far away he has a son that he last saw as a baby who could barely hold his head up who now talks and walks. How can he sleep knowing he has a daughter who he has never even seen? Its just like a weight that settles on me. But I stay busy, now that I am back at work that helps and all week I go somewhere get the kids get in the car and pick up a friend and do something. But then I also think: I wonder what I would be doing right now if this situation never even happened to me. It has been quite a few months that I have gone to bed content, happy and woken up just like that (with the exception of those few weeks I bought into my H's b.s. yes that made me happy...for the moment) I just want that peace I guess. I just want to be able to accept it now. It's just hard to swallow when I say that. Good night to everyone and thanks for helping me through this.

Thanks to you K and CW, everytime I feel like I'm losing some strength I read over those last few posts...it means a lot.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash you are so welcome -


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: We are here for you! Someday...I may look over my old posts to see where I came from and where I am now.

I am too emotionally exhausted. However, after 1 year of HELL..I am no longer waking up many times a night. I feel like I can finally sleep. I only get up 1-2 times a night.

I would ask myself ASh...every time you want to think fondly of him-"What kind of man deserts his kids?"


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Took my son trick or treating around my town tonight and had a good time. Tonight everytime I thought of my H I got so torn up inside for my sons sake. Everyday that passes is another day that my very very young son and newborn daughter do not have a father in their lives. Even if eventually I do remarry I can't help but think that I will always be torn up by the fact that my son has to be so young and to have his dad basically not want him, my daughter as well. How do you explain something like this? The questions will come eventually I know. And I already know in my mind I will not ever ever lie to them, I will always tell them who their dad is and I will just say that mommy and daddy couldn't work it out...but damn what if they ask specific questions and even a yes or no is going to hurt them. I know also these thoughts are stemming from exhaustion. I am exhausted! Between trying to stay busy to keep my mind from wandering to what he may be doing, to taking care of both of them, I'm so drained. And that makes me angry towards him too. I want someone there with me when I have to wake up 2 or 3 times a night for my daughter only to have my son wake me up early in the morning to play. I want a break sometimes too. And I don't get one. BC of him. Bc he decided that he, I don't even know! I don't even know what his problem is! Yet he can leave carefree. I love my children I do. But it is hard so hard. I know it sounds so selfish but I look around and I see kids my age not worrying about the stuff that I am worrying about right now. Yes I married the man, I got pregnant twice, and I know that I am not the only young single mother that this has happened to but it pisses me off. Ok, the marriage sucked. It didn't work out between you and me..but how the hell can you leave these kids? It makes me sick and it makes me sick most of all to think that at times throughout the day I wonder what i would say if he would call again and say lets try it again. I think you all know what I would say to him. And thats what disgusts me the most.To answer your question cw, a piece of sh*t is the type of man that leaves his kids, so what type of woman still wants to be with that same piece of sh*t? What does that make me?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash to answer your last question first - of course you would take him back if he genuinely wanted back in - I think you would - honestly and no-one here would think any the less of you - far from it - hey I did take my H back ! 
we are not wrong to hold the idea of family life for a children up - this is a natural part of who we are - no mature person sets out to be a single parent...no way we didn't plan that part of it 

Life with two young children is incredibly draining even if tehre are two parents on board - 
you are so right be angry about this - and to want relief from it even from your ex...they have their uses ...even the useless ones...
what hands on support do you have? 
real support - someone to give you time off?
is your family close by?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It makes you human! You probably thought he'd change with each promise that he'd given you. You have figured out, after each lie, that he's not. 

Now, you are marching on with your heart broken of what he isn't and what he doesn't do. You are left with two beautiful children. He is left with nothing but his lies. He is a piece of sh*t! By the way, don't forget to get some child support out of the guy. Even if he doesn't work...he will still owe.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I did file for child support back in may for my son and right after my daughter was born I added her to it, but I have yet to receive anything from him financially. Haven't heard from him since I sent him that email. I really hope he read it, but he sent me a text after I sent him one saying I sent him an email and that it was over. I just hope he read it, it would kinda be like my last hoorah I guess. But now I am back to where I started at the beginning of the week. Its like I did a complete circle. I am now thinking that maybe I came down to hard or maybe just maybe I DIDN'T do everything that I could, that if I had eased up or showed him how much that I have changed it could have worked. I just feel the emptiness very strong today.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It wasn't too hard ASH. The reality is IF he wanted back IN, then he would DO something! ANYTHING...He can't even pick up the phone as agreed!!


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Your emotions will be all over the map. It's normal. Try to stay present in the moment and literally take life, minute by minute. You can do this, Ash. I believe in you.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I know about feeling emptiness Ash - but he is the one who is truly bereft. You are full and your life is full - remember it is him who is broken - 
look at it this way
would you EVER leave your kids? 
he can, he has therefore he is empty of feeling, he is bereft, he can't bring anything to you or your life because of the emptiness in him - he will pay a huge emotional cost one day for this - he just will...
but you don't need to worry about that 
what you need to remember is that you will get the emotional benefits of your kids - your richness and fullness will grow each day.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

K: I actually live with my family right now. So I do get a lot of help. But it has placed a strain on everyone. I was never close with my family and its been about 5 years since I have lived at home. They have a very small townhome and their is 6 of us that live here, so its always very emotional in here. Its very hard for me to ask my parents to watch my kids if I want to go out. Now that I'm back at work they watch them when I go to work and I know that they are tired too, they work full time jobs. It's hard all around. Last Friday when I went out for two hours was the first time I had been out by myself in 8 months. And I want to go out only bc I know the more people I meet, the less I'll think about my H. I guess maybe its just not the time right now. I keep thinking about everything, I know very broad of me to say, but I'm so angry! So So So angry at him, but I guess what I need from all of you is the fact that today I came soooo close to calling him to ask for another chance at us working out. I want us to be a family! I feel like if I just ignore everything that he has ever done and give him (and I) a fresh slate that our marriage will work! I'm so close to breaking down...again.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash,
home life sounds tricky - how difficult is it going to be to get your own place (with his financial support?) 
in the meantime I am sure that your family are happy to help you in this difficult time and hey they are also getting to bond with your kids -
don't call him - just don't 
the best intentions in the world from you can't make up for his emptiness and lack of committment. 

instead keep on going out when you can - 
try and do it at least once a week - without kids - 
do some 22 year old stuff 
have you had some open communication with your folks about how they may best support you - what you need? 

as I see it one of the things you 'need' is to be able to get away at least once a week...

it is not a luxury or an indulgence -


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thanks K, I guess all of you reminding me of this over and over again is what is going to get me thru these next few weeks. Sorry if I sound like a broken record everyone, but right now I'm so shattered I don't even know where to begin. All these emotions, and I used to be in such control of myself. He makes me doubt everything. I do need to have the honest talk with my parents, I just feel selfish though even when I think about what to say. I called my lawyer yesterday and the final steps are in process. The paperwork is being mailed to each of us and then all we do is sign and then thats that. I just went onto his myspace, I know I know I shouldn't but I just go on, I don't email him or anything like that, I havent' contacted him at all. And it just rips me up to see that he is carrying on with apparently not a care in the world. And i have no pictures of him, just one of when he was holding my son right after he was born. So I just go on and look at his main picture (I'm not trying to be creepy really) and it makes me cry. How can he live how he is living? How can he just move on and party and have no cares and not even help me out with a penny for the kids? How can he do that when some moments it hurts for me to even breathe bc of all the pain he inflicted on me and yet in the next breath I'm just praying that maybe I haven't heard from him bc he is doing something spectacular for me and the kids. Like maybe he is working and is waiting to surprise me by calling me up one day and saying he mailed me a check, or by calling me up one day saying he saved all this money and he is buying a ticket coming to where I live and renting an apartment so we can all be together. I used to have it all together, now its just a mess.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: It's common in the best of circumstances to have these wishful thoughts that you are explaining. 

After 24 years of marriage in Oct. 08 my H said he was no longer "in love" with me. I was heartbroken but was willing to do anything to save the marriage. I begged and pleaded and convinced for about 5 months....NOTHING I could do would change his attitude. The more I did these things the farther he ran or distanced himself.

All this time together and he couldn't come back. All this time and I couldn't convince him. It was so painful to see him looking like he did. He was dead looking. He also loves us dearly. Just doesn't love me like a wife anymore (I guess). 

Anyway, whatever you do beg, plead, convince, won't work on him. He has to be ready and willing. He isn't. When he does...there will be no stopping him and he will do it without your assistance. Afterall, when things are important PEOPLE do make it KNOWN what they want!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

So I was doing ok. I went into work yesterday. Have amazing support from an amazing friend of mine. During work I received a text from my H. My stomach dropped and I started to get excited. The text was just asking about the kids, I said fine he asked for pictures and that was that. But I can't tell you how happy it made me. I get home go onto his myspace and of course what do I see him talking to numerous females and the worst kind of language and music you can imagine. I got to let this go. I feel like a yo yo I didn't play into him I didn't ask him why I havent' heard from him in a week and why he feels like he can just text to ask about the kids whenever he wants yet can't pick up a damn phone and call. I was strong...but not inside. I really really hate this feeling.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm not so sure I would answer any more. If he wants to know that kids than maybe he should put some effort into KNOWING them. He's too far. He isn't helping you in any shape or form with this children. 

You know what makes me sick about this situation and I've seen men like him before. He'll be in a bar...talking to people and want to brag about his kids. How many he has and how old they are and how beautiful and "look at the pictures." What counts the most is who tuck them in at night. Who cares for them when they are sick.

When I've spoken to a guy and asked "how often do you see your kids?" He says..."I last saw him 6 months ago." (real story) I think what kind of dad would stay away for so long. 

There is no such thing as a long distance relationship in parenting. Sorry.

I know I sound harsh but he's a sperm donor. I'm angry for you.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I agree with corpuswife. He's a sperm donor. Not matter how he feels about you, he has kids and, if he were any kind of man, he'd be in their lives. Be strong, you deserve so much better.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Feel like its been awhile since I posted anything when its only been two days! Well to catch everyone up, I have just been trying to stay real real busy. I have even cut down on my computer time bc I know its not healthy to continue to go on his myspace. It just further depresses me and its almost in a way like an addiction to me so I decided to flat out stop checking it...and yes its hard but its now tuesday and I have yet to go on since I made that commitment (Sunday). Sooo, only been a few days but its a start. I received my divorce papers from the lawyer yesterday, and a copy got sent to my H. All we both have to do is sign it and then its done. I keep staring at it, at the one little line and know that once I sign it, that's it. Its done just like that its over. I haven't signed it yet, I know I will within the week, bc he really has left me no option, I will not be married to a man who is doing God knows what now, but no matter it still hurts! He texted me again yesterday to ask about the kids, luckily I was with my best friend and she told me to play it cool. Act busy let him wait, I waited over an hour to text him an answer. Still waiting for the day he realizes that it takes more of a man to pick up the phone and call and ask for his kids than text...still waiting for some kind of financial help from him too. I had my six week post-partum check-up and I got diagnosed with post partum depression which I could have told them I had. They offered me medicine but I declined, at least for now I just want to see if I get better over the next few weeks. I do feel better this week (in regards to my soon to be x H) My friend told me everytime I think of him to consciously force him from my brain, basically just don't think of him. And then she asked me to honestly think about that fact if I could ever really be with a man who had three kids by three different woman, and I don't think I could really. I would constantly be on my toes and i think the cons definetly far outweigh the pros. Still miss him, still deep inside I wish that he was here with me, but I know now that it won't happen. I just wonder what the future holds for me and to whether or not he will ever be in my childrens lives.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You are doing well Ash! Although inside it hurts...I know.

Be prepared when he gets those papers. He will be calling and perhaps wanting back in...keep firm. He already knows what you expect from him...he's done nothing.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Signed my divorce papers today. This does not feel right.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

None of it is "right." It doesn't feel like this is really happening.

How could this happen? Can I do something different. I just come up with the same answers.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

So like I said I signed my divorce papers on Friday. I hated the feeling that came with it. But now I'm facing another dilemma. I really am struggling with what I feel to be a "good mom". My temper is so short and I know, know that none of this is their fault but for some reason I can't stop resenting them. And then I feel even worse for feeling that way and then my mood gets even worse, its like a circle. I don't feel like a very good mother. I yell a lot if I'm being honest with you. Its like they both start to cry everytime I let my thoughts stray to him. I feel horrible for even typing this, but both of my children are under one and In a way I'm jealous of my H. He doesn't have to deal with getting up in the night, the diapers the teething he can just come and go as he pleases. I also know I would already be over my H with no problem if I was able to go out like I wanted to. I know everything I just typed sounds so horrible and so selfish when I am the one responsible for them. But sometimes I hate it. I hate the fact that there is only one of me and two of them. I feel like I fail everyday.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You have a huge burden to shoulder. You should resent your H...every reason to hate this situation.

If they are fussy or crying and you can't deal...leave them in the crib and walk away. Go outside for a few....open a coke or get a drink. Play some relaxing music. Set up the house for relaxation. 
Even though there may be chaos. 

Get yourself a sitter once a week and go out. Find a college student that needs some cash. You need a break and don't skip it. Doesn't mean you have to go to a bar...go to dinner..exercise and have burger. Get out. You don't want things to build.

Once the children are verbal...they will be able to communicate their needs and sleep through the night. Things will soften. It will still be alot of work but they will walk and talk and have some sense about them. At this point...you have to watch them so they don't stick their fingers in the wrong place. It will get better and not so overwhelming as this. 

You are going through a crisis. Give yourself a break. Ask for help...even if you think you are bugging others. 

If you can afford...pay someone a few bucks to clean your bathroom and kitchen. Any help is good help.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash,
all mothers have been where you are - it is part of mothering - they just don't show this bit on the diapers ads on tv. So number 1 it is normal - and guess what expressing it is a good thing - thanks for sharing - us mothers are not shocked in the slightest - hey if it was all cuddles and smiles mothers wouldn't be the heroes that they are.

Try an follow CW's advice - it is so spot on.
Here's some old home truths that mother's rely on

1. If they are fed, clean and safe and they are still crying - do as CW says and just leave them somewhere safe and take a breather if the noise/ tone is getting to you. They will be fine.

2. You know I have had this thought before one skill you do learn as a mum is 'detachment'. If you 'felt' for them each time they cried you wouldn't make it through. You will learn that they are 'their' tears and not yours. Sure you are responsible for them - but you don't need to hurt or feel bad each time you hear them upset. 

3. I know you are with your family - use them as much as you can - they can help you now and you need help. 

4. As I said these feelings of feeling like you are a 'bad' parent are normal in any circumsatnces - I am just guessing that in your case it feels even more extreme - heck we all hate out H's at these times even when they are behaving perfectly well. Yours is less than useless right now - resentment and a good deal of anger is the order of the day. 

5. You don't actually resent them - you resent him -
Ihad some notvery nice 'reactions' to my kids for a while - for example it physiclly hurt me when they came to me for a hug - I wanted to puch them away - it was scary as hell - I had to work through this with my counsellor - and with her help I understood it was some misplaced anger - I have forgotten are you abel to see a counsellor?

If you can't afford it I found just seeing my GP each week for a while helped - if you have one who is a mum as well and you can just talk and not be judged ....

Finally Ash you are doing great...you are...I can't see into the future but I don't think you are ever going to have to deal with such a difficult life situation again - you are strong, smart and you have resources to get through this. Don't forget that.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thank you CW and K so much for the two previous posts I read them just about everyday to keep my head!!

Not a whole lot to catch everyone up on. I have no idea if my H signed the papers or not. I have not heard anything from my lawyer. A part of me wants him not to. I keep thinking of the future and even with everything that he has done (or not done) I just really don't want a divorce.

The kids do make this hard. I know you should never wish for time to go faster, but right now I wish I could fast-forward a year or two to when they are older and to when hopefully this pain will be out of my system. Looking at my D esp makes it hard. I am dark with spanish features and my son, although lighter, looks like a mini-version of me. My D has blond hair, light skin, and blue eyes and looks exactly like him. So everytime I look at her, I automatically think of him. 

I also wonder how I will react if I ever do meet someone else. I don't know how it will feel to have another man raise these kids with me and to not be there dad. I know I know, my H isn't and has never been a dad to them really but it doesn't keep me from the hope that we could have, should have raised them together bc thats how its supposed to be, right?

My son turns 1 this friday. My H last saw him at 3 1/2 months. Somedays I really hate this man. I have not heard anything from him since I last told you all that he texted me. I wonder if he will send anything for my son's b-day, I wonder if he even remembers.

I called the child support division, and of course no updates, they said they are "still reveiwing my case". It's been since May and I have received nothing. And if I thought one baby was expensive...as soon as my d was born everything doubled! It would just be nice for something from this man.

I guess I'm having one of my angry days today. I had a dream about him last night. I was somehow at his house and he was there and he started to cry when he saw the kids. It felt real. I didn't want to wake up. Its weird for me to think that I really might never see him again. Everytime that I don't hear from him...I wonder if that was the last time that I will ever talk to him.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash I can't imagine what it must feel like to think you may never see the father of your kids - and yet still be reminded of him - still hold those dreams that most of us have for our kids - an old fashioned 'family' 

but as you often say - he is not really a father is he? Your kids won't even know him - my guess is that he will want some more contact with his kids one day - (When he realises he's gonna die and not know his own kids - but that may be a very long time coming) I don't think that you will be at all interested in having a relationship with him by this stage and as for the kids - they'll hold all the cards as well - so so sad - but Ash it is his loss...


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

These last few days I have been struggling. I wrote another thread on my anger issues, and I know I need to address those, as I do not want this situation to get the best of me.

However, once again I am feeling the guilt of my marriage failing on my shoulders. (I can already hear you Corpus...saying no no you cant blame yourself! ) I know that the blame rest on both of us. But somedays I think about how I acted and the things that I said to him and I can't believe it! I really was far to jealous of this man. We would fight almost every day.

I had a lot happen to me when I was younger, I won't get into specfics. But very bad situations that left me very confused, very hurt and very very emotional scarred. I developed a very bad habit of having numerous one-nighters with men that I couldn't care less about. I was involved in very bad relationships and made very stupid decisions. Then I joined the army and that, slowly but surely, helped mature me. Then I met my H. And he treated me in the beginning like nobody ever did. But then it changed and he started to do all those things that he said he wouldn't. 

But I almost feel as if yes I did cause that bc when I went into the marriage I brought all that emotional baggage that I had been carting around for years into it. So when he wouldn't tell me I was beautiful one day I assumed he thought I was ugly. Or if he wanted to go to a club with his friends one night I assumed he would cheat on me. Stuff like that. I almost feel as if I put to much of a burden on him. And I regret that. If I am the one that caused this marriage to fail, no matter how small my part is...I don't know If i will be able to forgive myself.


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash,

we all have regrets. Time will heal those wounds. Maybe you'll find someone who can help you bury those painful feelings and you'll find joy and love again.

It's bound to happen. Your life will move on and this chapter will be but a few pages of your story. Work on writing the happy ending.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash it is part of the process - if it makes it easier just take some of the responsibility and then move on -
this is what I did with my realtionship - but guess what it wasn't a 50/50 split - and you can't honestly say in your case it was either....more like 99/1 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

remember this one because it is coming straight from my very smart counsellor via me to you -

the most important thing to remember is that you brought YOU to the relationship - human wonderful caring interesting ASH - he didn't bring himself - not his whole responsible caring self - not his adult self who can look out for a wife and kids - 

he didn't leave because of you - because you (like all of us) have a unique life story which makes you who you are - he left beause HE can't handle it - that simple - his issue - not yours.....

you on the other hand are saying how 'faulted /human' you are and look at what you are doing - raising your kids, working, seeking help, struggling but DOING IT....
you are 22 Ash - you are a superstar - your life story is far far from over and keep track of it - 'cause it is going to be a very beautiful one


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash, so you need to work on yourself. Work through that baggage. It is hard right now to see that, but as K said you will get through. At the other end you will be stronger.

Your ex-H was just seed supplier for your kids it sounds. I myself can't imagine that. I waited later in life to have a child so I could handle it. That much I've gotten right in my life. Because I do care about him and want him to be happy for who he is not who others want him to be.

As it turned out through counseling I discovered that I too had baggage. YOu've taken the first steps by recognizing and obviously overcoming some of them. Keep going. You can do it.

I take it you are from the Philly area or around there. My parents are originally from Johnstown.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Yup about thirty mins outside of Philly, Glad to be back here. Moved back in April I was stationed in Texas, that is where my H lives. Know whereabouts Johnstown is but never been there.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash, we have ALL played a role in the breakdown of our marriage.

There is a difference in making mistakes or having flaws and abandoning your family because of them. 

I also married with emotional baggage (who doesn't). Some are more traumatic than others. 

You are a smart person. Eventually, you will work through these emotional things. The difference between you and him is that you are willing to admit you made mistakes and try to fix whatever you can that may stunt your future (jealousy, trust, etc). 

Keep going strong Ash. You are incredible.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Today my son turns one. All week and today I have been checking the mail for a card from my H. Nothing. He texted me about an hour ago and asked how my son was and I just answered fine. He then asked how my daughter was and asked for pictures so he could show his family them during thanksgiving. He said he had no pictures of my daughter. That's a lie when we had been talking about getting back together during October I sent him quite a few. I guess conventiently he deleted them. I sent back that I will but to give me a few days (wanting him to think that I am too busy right now, which in essence I am) He then replied how he can't believe our son is turning one...to which I wanted to reply yea and you missed 9 months of his 12 months of life. I didn't I waited an hour and told him I was throwing a party for him tom and that I would send the pics soon bc all my stuff was packed bc I was moving into my own place with the kids. Which isn't true I won't be moving out for another 3 months or so, but I wanted to get something out of him. He said that was cool and to take it easy.

I wanted to ask him where a birthday present (Hell, a birthday card!) was for my son but I didn't. I wanted to ask where some money was bc it is getting so hard to take care of two kids with no help. I wanted to ask him if he signed the papers.

But I didn't bc I couldn't ask any of those things. When did marriage have to become a game? I don't want to have to lie to him so that maybe maybe possible it might sink in his head that damn this girl really doesn't need me (she has her own place, takes care of the kids, etc) and maybe he might realize what he is losing.

This guy is an *******. And I know I can't be married to him for the simple fact that he has three other children (if not more) I can't deal with that. So sometimes I think that God is doing this bc he knows that I can't handle being with a man who is going to have three diff woman with three diff kids...so why doesn't God just take the love I have for him out of me

I don't want to always think of him. I don't want people to say to me well you won't ever completly forget him bc he is the father of your kids...he isn't doing a damn thing! 

I had to look at day cares today. Come Jan I'm going back to school to get my RN license and I need to put them in day care. It will cost me over 1000 dollars for both of them.

This man has my insides all twisted. Twisted bc my hatred for him and the love that I can't seem to let go of, the hope that maybe we will be together...its all wrapped around each other.

What is it going to take for him to wake up? And what's it going to take for me to wake up and see that this is pointless?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

And by the way in none of those texts did he even mention the words tell my son happy birthday...the closest he said was I can't believe he's one...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash you will so get there - and it doesn't matter what you text him - email him etc - do whatever feels right for you - Ash no text is going to bring him back - and you don't want him back - I wouldn't say this if I thought you really did - you don't want this guy and your kids don't either - you aren't lying BTW you are very busy - it may take you years to get around to sending photos to him - and guess what it is not your responsibility - he wants a 'reminder' of his kids - how about looking them in the eyes? 
and you are moving forward and into your own place and YOU DON"T NEED HIM !!! it's not a game Ash - this is the absolute truth - honestly I'd delete each of his texts as you get them - all you need from him is some child maintenance = that's it.................what you need to hear from him is how he is going to support his kids - everything else is redundant and not useful for you to hear /read - delete it - I deleted so much stuff my H sent me - and whenever I get a text from him that bugs me I delete it staright away - he once gave me a letter 'explaining' why he was leaving - I burnt it - all the bad stuff I write about it - I write and then burn it - they are nothing to us -
I see my H now as an excellent ex who has a good income which he needs to hand over to me for the next 15 years or so....that's what he can give me - nothing else. ( iwould so love to send my H a text saying that - but think it would be counter productive!)


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

But I can't text him how I feel, I can't do anything that I really want to do or say. BC if I did do that, then I would be calling him and asking him to work it out again, or I would be driving all the way down to Texas beggin for us to work when in all reality...I don't even have to say it you guys all already know. 

I need the truth...I want to email him. I want to email him everythign I feel. But I'm afraid of the reply I'll get or of what it will say.

I want to tell him that I still care and that I need help. I need help raising the kids and I don't want to do it alone.

But Im pretty sure that it will just land me back to where I was a few weeks ago, in a lot of pain.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I don't want to email him. I just need to hear it from all of you I guess...Today is a bad day, emotional wise. Prob bc it's my son's birthday. 
I miss him a tremendous amount.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash, go ahead and vent here with us. We can take it. We've been there. We will understand. Its ok to do so. I have. We are here to help each other through these times - that includes you.

yeah my little guy is cute, of course he's not that little now. He's 7. The other pic was from last X-mas with his cousins. He gets to see them during Turkey Day.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash email him your anger - heck email him, text him whatever, you have a right to let him know the ramifications - but it is about you - what you are saying - the only sense in which it is dangerous is if you email text and expect that this wil turn him round - it won't but neither wil ignoring him - remember it;s not about you - you can't control or even influence him....only yourself - there are no rights or wrongs here - you do need help with your kids, you do need financial support, but there is no eveidence that he is the person who is going to supply that - 
and you are correct birthdays are tough as - that is why he is contacting you as well - but for himself! not to be a dad - but because he is guilty /hurting/ messed up whatever ....
look after yourself and juts get through today - next year will be much better


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I can answer you honestly and say the only reason that I would be emailing him, texting him, etc my anger is to hopefully turn it around...I guess I'm just looking for everyone to remind me not to, bc right now I feel a lot of weakness and my main goal in doing that (email,text,etc) is for him to come apologize and ask to work it out again.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash you are the best - honesty is the best - and best of all you know yourself - we are here for you - write it to us - pretend that we are him - pm one of us if it's easier - where are the days when a big brother /cousin or dad would have gone over and sorted him out for you???


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash, listen to K. She knows what she is talking about. You've got to your anger out somehow. It isn't good to bottle it up, believe me it isn't. Go ahead and tell what you feel and why you are angry, but be sure to frame it as your issue not to just be angry at him. When you are angry at someone, there is a reason for that, be sure to let him know the reason.

I've learned about anger. I wasn't some hot head, I just bottled it up and it wasn't good for me. I've also learned to frame it, where before I might get a little angry with my son when say he put a piece of toy in his mouth. I now sit him down and explain that I'm angry he did that but it is my issue and that issue is I'm afraid you will choke to death. It really works, believe me. I haven't seen him put a toy in his mouth for a long time.

By the way, please quit referring to your H as a father or dad. So far he hasn't been either. He needs to earn that title. I have since the day my son was born and will continue to do so, even if I had to change diapers again.

You can PM me as well as K. Feel free, as I said we are all her to help each other and gain insight on life. You are amazing as K said to accomplish so much over the last 8 months and at your age. I wouldn't have been able to I don't think. So give yourself a pat on the back for that -- you deserve it. 

Do you have family near you?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: Write him the letter here! We'd love to read it and support you through your anger!!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Feelingalone said:


> By the way, please quit referring to your H as a father or dad. So far he hasn't been either. He needs to earn that title. I have since the day my son was born and will continue to do so, even if I had to change diapers again.


:iagree:


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Alright. K and FA you are right I do need to get my anger out, however I can't email him or text him or anything bc as I said, it would be with the hopes that we get back together. And I also know that he doesn't even really deserve my anger right now. I mean come on he couldn't even send his son a birthday card! I guess I just want some affirmation from all of you that not contacting him at all is the best route to go. I know that if I would right him a letter or email or text and I got let down, I don't know if I can go through that again....so my question to all of you is should I try? Should I try again or should I just let it go and leave it in God's hands?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

And to all three of you (k, FA, and CW) I will write my letter to him and post it here. It might take me a few minutes (or hours!) to write it all out.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

It may take several weeks or months - the way I do it is I have a document on my computer called anger - and each sentence starts with 
I am angry because - it is is pages and pages long and when I remember something else I add to it - but I don't read and have zero desire to send it to him - he aint worth it


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

It doesn't matter how long it takes and it doesn't have to be perfect.

Just start with: The purpose of this letter is tell you what an ass you've been.

Read a book once that said starting is the biggest hurdle of writing -- I always had problems doing that, could never find the right words. It just said to start with "the purpose of this letter, memo, story and go back and change it when you are done. 

Just do it. Don't have to give it to him. This is for you --- not him.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Here is a letter to my H. Haven't wrote it to him, but if I did this is what I would want it to say.




Dear C,

I have been wanting to say all these things to you but I find it easier to write it than to actually say it to you. 

I think you are a horrible, selfish person. I think your an *******, a piece of ****. What kind of man walks out on his pregnant wife and his young son? Seriously! Who cares how bad it was, you walked away from your children, forget about me, you walked out on THEM. 

I did a lot wrong during our marriage. I was too jealous and too controlling. Always questioning you. Never believing you. And that's how a lot of your fights started. But its not easy to be married to a man who has other children. You can't say it is or isn't bc you haven't been in my situation. You have never been pregnant by your husband only a few months after his ex girlfriend found out she was pregnant too by him. You have no idea what that does to a womans' self esteem.

I did so much for you, and I got nothing in return. You were never there for me. You never gave me a birthday card of gift. Nothing for valentines day, nothing for any christmas. In fact you left me and your son on Christmas eve bc I opened a letter from another woman saying she had your child too! And yet you had the nerve to get mad at me and walk out on me!

I was the one who worked, throu two pregnancies. I was the one who paid the bills, bought the food, allowwed your friend to live with us without paying anything. I supported two grown ass men basically!!.

You never held a job, you never helped me with the bills, I paid your child support. You stopped telling me I was beautiful when that is all I needed to hear. You were also very jealous and controlling assuming I was cheating on you at work. You left me countless of times, you would drag me to bars when I was 7 months pregnat with our son when all I wanted to do was sleep.

You made me feel like a piece of ****, you made me feel worthless, ugly, stupid. You started to do things that you promised me you never would. You cursed at me everyday. You walked out on me and straight into having another relattionship, and god knows how many woman you have slept with since us. You screwed around on me, even though we were separated we were still married. Who knows maybe the night that I was giving birth to our daughter you were screwing another girl.

You don't send me money to take care of the kids, never even met your daughter, can't even say happy birthday on your son's first birthday can't send a card, nothing!

You disgust me.

But I disgust myself even more bc even after all of that...I still wish you would call me and say you want us to be together. I still think everytime someone rings the doorbell that it could be you. Amd I still wish that one day it might be.


Ash


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Go Ash! 
Go Ash!
Go Ash!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I really wish that he would just call, to at least apologize.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash, I'm going to be a little blunt. I loved your letter right up until the last paragraph. You can't let him no those feelings. I'm not saying give them up, but right now he doesn't deserve or need to know you still love him. Right now he needs to believe you don't give a darn about him. And personally I don't think you should, but that is your decision to make.

I doubt he will apologize as you said he is selfish, has been with you and goodness how many women. He won't likely change especially if you tell him how you feel and want him back.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I agree with FA.. You made your stand and got your point across but then back tracked at the end.. You gave him power back.. The power to continue to hurt you. Still he deserves to hear this..


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

You are both right. I haven't sent him anything, I wanted to post it here first as I can edit it based off of everyone's suggestions. I also don't even know if I would benefit from sending this as I have mentioned earlier, I would just be sending this in hopes of him turning around and us working it out.

One of my friends is against me sending anything. Her stand on it is he doesn't even deserve to know that I'm angry. She says I shouldn't even send him any pictures of the kids until he sends me some money.

I have sole legal custody and primary physical custody 0f my son(with visits agreed by me, which you know obviously he hasn't made the effort to come up here to see our son). And my lawyer is working to add the same for my newborn daughter. Again I have signed the divorce papers but havent' heard anything from his end. I received them around Nov 4th and sent them back to my lawyer around the 8th.

On my end I wish like hell for him not to sign it and for us to be together again.

On the other end I wish he would sign it and then sign over his rights to both of the kids and to never talk to me again and tell me he wants nothing to do with me or the kids. I know that's a horrible thhing to want when he is the dad, I guess right now my mindset is selfish...as in if I can't have all of you, I don't want just a little piece of you.

As far as the letter goes, any sugguestions are appreciated and I still don't even know if it would benefit me or make me fee lworse by sending it.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I disagree with your friend. he has the right to understand where your coming from and what pain he caused you. Nothing wrong with that. Allowing them to efffect you over and over no he doesn't need to know..


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Hmmm its a lot to think about. I'm torn. Part of me does want to write a letter to him (an email would be easier but I think writing a letter would be more effective, and more than likely once he would see an email from me he would straight away delete it). But the other part of me thinks that by me writing him a letter, for the next few days following that I would just be waiting for a reply from him.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash, don't under any circumstances tell him you want him back -why? because you don't !!!!!!!!!!!! 

I am going to play devil's advocate 

ok he rings you and says 

hi honey I am coming back - I have been a complete jerk. I am sorry. I will adore and cherish you for the rest of my days. Oh and by the way I have found a great job that will support the 4 of us and my other children. I will never lose this job and I will never resent coming back for you and the kids - you are my entire life. (except for those other kids I have - sorry forgot about them for a while ) but you are number one - and the kids are number two and those other kids they are number three. So I'll be over soon what's for dinner - and I hope you've been keeping bed warm if you know what I mean! 

ash - to be completed by you ....


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash,

Please stop referring to him as the dad. As I said before he doesn't deserve that title. That title goes to someone that (1) pays the bills, and (2) gets in there and changes diapers, cleans up the butt doing it, is there when he or she cries and comforts them, etc. and enjoys it because the child is everything (after their mom) in the whole wide world. Until that time he is just a sperm donor and that is it. 

I agree with LH, and not your friend. But exclude any of the I want you back crap. Remember this and read some of LH's posts from other threads, he is a child himself. He hasn't grown up. He just hasn't. How many woman and how many kids? See the pattern. I know it will be tough, but you can have a life with those two precious kids and I normally wouldn't say this, but a better life without their sperm donor. Because he hasn't shown he is capable of doing anything for them or any of his other kids. Think about it.

You fixed your life by going into the Army and thought you met someone that could do more. There is no shame in admitting you made a mistake. It appears I did too and I waited a long time to find the one. Now I realize she is broken and won't admit it. Both parties have to admit it and be willing to change for it to work. I just don't see your sperm donor doing that. I just don't. I know that sounds harsh, it is just my 2 cents.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: 

I am of the opinion that you send it for the right reasons (minus the last paragraph). 

Figure out why you wish to send it?

To show him your anger? Or to wake him up? 

People don't change easily at all...they practically need to be derailed by something major. Just think of the addicts that have to hit bottom (hard). Or think of someone getting diagnosed with a terminal illness that reconnects with their family. Sometimes, those who have a lifestyle, like your H, needs to be hit "hard." A letter won't do it I am afraid. But if it makes you feel a little better. ...I say "go for it!"


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Ash, I seriously think you will find someone WAY better than your current H. You will find someone who loves you and wants to be the father of your children. No doubt about it. Lord knows you deserve it!

I know you are still in love with parts of your H (I'm dealing with that too). However, look at all of the hurt and sadness he's brought into your life. He doesn't deserve you.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I see a lot of times people in these situations focus on the good in hte relationship only. Tend to overlook the bad. A lot of times the bad outweigh the good but because we are hurt and want them back we tend to blow up the good and minimize the bad. So Ash put down a list of the pros and cons of your husband. See him for who he really is. It might help with the detacting also. Making you realize that having a warm body ISN'T enough for you. You need a person who wants to be there and wants to make you feel loved.. Why should you settle for anything less??


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Just got back from work...read over everything that all of you have replied back (thank you all). It's a lot to think about.

Sad when you devote so much of your time to thinking of such a piece of ****.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> People don't change easily at all...they practically need to be derailed by something major. Just think of the addicts that have to hit bottom (hard).


Ash, 

CW is exactly right. Your H needs to bottom out if he's EVER going to change. I don't believe you want this POS in your life. And if you think you do, what about your children? Do you really want him as a role model for them? I wouldn't.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I did a lot of thinking last night and this morning. I'm leaning towards not writing him the letter and here is why:

First and foremost I am so glad I joined this forum it has helped a tremendous amount and it is in a way my online diary. I read over a lot of the threads on here and the majority of all of you that I "talk" to quite a bit, had a much different marriage than I did. Most of you were married for quite a long time, most of you while angry at your spouses and confused by their actions can say that they had some good qualities (while most everyone does, just some it is harder to see than others). And I was thinking...why do I even still care about this man. Yes he "fathered" my children, but that's really it. The whole marriage was mainly one-sided. It was a short marriage as well. Yes it is still very painful, but if I am being honest, I really can't see how I could ever be with him and be completly happy. I do have issues that I need to work on, and one issue that my H was constantly telling me to fix was my jealously, but then I think how would I ever completly trust him when he has fathered 3 other children with 3 other woman (and who is to say that down the line more wouldn't "pop" up) Maybe I could have toned it down a bit, but I think I had a right to question him when I did.

Who wants to be seven months pregnant and being dragged to bars when you can't even drink and yet you are the one paying the bill.

And on that note who wants to be not only the sole breadwinner but to be paying the spouse's child support?

I know in the weeks to come that I will come on here and some days tell all of you how much I miss him, etc, etc. But I think you all are right...I should not even want to get back together with him. Bc even if he does change...which may take a long time but one day he may, I would still have to deal with 3 other women for the rest of my life, and that is something that I don't want.

So in regards to the letter I think from time to time I may post here what I want to say to him, but why bother send it to him? If he is such a douche to not recognize everything he has done...why waste the time writing him a letter about the pain that he has caused me...I would rather give him the cold shoulder and let him think (and one day I won't be faking this) that I care less about him.

This man is 26 years old, if he doesn't buck up and straighten out within the next 5 years or so, my kids won't even know him, he will be a stranger.

My stand will now be a piece of **** in all aspects of the word doesn't even deserve an anger letter.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Now you are talking Ash. When you falter, we'll be here. I think you are seeing the whole of him rather than some of his charms.

I still do that at times with my w. But you always have to fall back on the whole and not just the nice pieces.

Way to go.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

It's not for him. It's for you. To vent and let him know what he did to you. How it made you feel in the marriage with him. He hurt you and you are in perfect right to let him know his actions caused you pain. As I said before allowing that to continue is your fault. Staying around an abusive relationship isn't good.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

A well thought out answer Ash - nothing wrong with your brain - it is still working!!!! and as usual you are displaying maturity beyond your years -


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash....good points. He never gave anything to you but those kids. 

You are incredible Ash! You'll be surprised how when you meet a good man and he's nice and cares about you..how you are going to feel. I can't wait for you Ash...


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

A fairly good day today. Yes when both of the kids started to cry I had to walk out and leave the room for a bit, but other than that pretty good.

I am having difficulty getting along with my mother, but hey...we really have never been close and she is not someone that I can easily talk to. I am simply working on right now whenever she gets under my skin (which is very frequent) to just keep my mouth shut and nod. I can't wait until I do get my own place though, I am aiming for next march or april.

I am currently taking some online course. And next year I want to actually go to a college. I am having some difficulty deciding what I want to do. Like I've mentioned I'm a nurse (an LPN) so I was thinking I would go to get my RN or to become a physicians assitant. Good thing with the military all my school will be paid for!

Haven't heard anything from my H. Still don't even know if he has signed the papers. I will call my lawyer later to find out anything, and to ask about child support. ( I have filed but no court date has been set yet to determine the amount he will have to pay, however once that does happen it will get backdated to the day I filed which was May...that man is going to owe a lot of money...)


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash you are sounding wonderful - able to identify and explain the positives and free education is a beauty -


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Yes free education is wonderful...unfortunately day care for the kids isn't. They start day care the day the middle of Jan, when I go back to school...it will cost me $1,450 a month. Now is the time that I really wish my H would at least pay child support.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Wow...that's some expensive day care!!! 

I've never heard such a cost. Is it some private school?

It's absolutely wonderful about the free education. You are certainly in the right profession.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Its just so expensive up here on the east coast CW! I remember when I was stationed in Texas and I had to put my son in day care after my H left it was 77 dollars a week...and I had thought that was a lot. No its not a private school, but it is a very nice facility and big rooms and a good worker-child ratio. Also its in the neighborhood where I live at now so its not even 2 mins away. Now that I'm single with two children I qualify for a lot of things...one of which being subsidized child care but unfort. their is a waiting list so once I get that the cost will drop significantly to about 46 dollars a week per child...much more manageable!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

that sounds better - my thing with childcare - a bit like shoes - don't skimp - expensive in this case is money worth spending


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

An ok day. I was very very very tempted to text my H today. A mean text. I was going to say that the kids start day care in Jan and its expensive so he needs to start sending me money. I opted not to bc A) The main reason that I would have texted him is bc I haven't heard from him since my son's b-day when he texted. B) That man isn't going to send me any money just by me asking for it. I am just going to have to wait on the court.

I will be calling my Lawyer prob Friday I will let you all know what I find out.

Signed up for classes today at my community college just to get back in the swing of things. I still haven't decided what I actually am going to do (RN or PA) but this will be a start (esp since I wasn't that great of a student in H.S.)

I do know that I am doing better, healing. But I also know that its not over yet (the pain) Just want to ask you all if (when, bc I know I will) I come on here talking about how I miss him...just be frank. Remind me of what I know already. Repetition is key with me I guess.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If he's not taking care of his other kiddos, then yours won't be either unless the court can force the issue. I hope they do!!!

You are moving on Ash...getting on with your life and taking care of your family. 

You are going to miss him, hate him, wanna say mean things, love him, etc. I think we all go through those phases no matter what kind of jerk they are! It's universal..


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

It sure is one emotional rollorcoaster. 

Did a small amount of holiday shopping. I'm not rich by any means (obviously not I'm a single mother with two babies!) But I do have a good job and while I have some big expenses coming up...ie: daycare in Jan...I actually have had more money since I have been separated. (Excluding paying for the Divorce) I have no child support payment to pay for him, no food to buy for him or clothes and while I do have two little ones its funny they are less demending than he was!

It's weird I hate math but love numbers and budgets and how to find ways to save money. I know cut coupons all the time spend time when I go shopping and compare prices stuff I never did with him. Strange such a little thing but I was just thinking about that today. He couldnt go into a clothing store without us coming out and me buying something for him.

I still havent' found a counselor. I think partly bc I am delaying it and partly bc maybe I'm afraid as to what they will tell me about me. Its kinda scary when you have to confront your own demons.

Heard nothing from him.

Will be calling my lawyer tomorrow.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

BTW...something petty I know... but these last few days I have been so tempted to go onto his myspace. I haven't since I told you all I said I wouldn't which was Nov 1st I know I would just get upset by what I would see...some weeks its very easy for me to not even give it a second thought and then other days I just wonder what he is doing...How does a man not think about two little people that are half of him?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Ash hang in there. He's not a man.. Start refering him to a boy in a mans body. He's immature and thinks that running away is the answer. He is also a piece of crap for not stepping up to help HIS kids. 5 years ago I seperated from my wife. I moved in with my mom. I made $12 an hours and paid for the benefits. I gave her 75% of my leftover pay check.. With what I had left I even saved enough to buy the kids x-mas gifts and HER one or 2.. Thanks god she came back before the holidays.. We spent them together. Only missed thanksgiving.. Still hang in there it will get better.. Look towards your future with your kids..


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash, don't bother with the MySpace. It will only bring you pain. I avoid my wife's Facebook page like the plague. I don't wanna know. The one time I looked on it was when she was showing me a picture. I glanced down and saw a comment by her "It's funny how one doubt can tear apart what we once thought was so strong".

It made me angry and hurt to see something like that and I vowed to never look again.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Your right LH about the whole boy in a mans body bit. This boy has never held a job for more than a few months...and when we first got separated in march and april I found out that he had been working but of course he couldn't send me anything to help out...I want to punch him in the face today!!

Probably a good thing we do live so far away.

And you are right G&B about the whole FB and Myspace bit. It would just hurt and I don't need anymore of that right now.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Called my lawyer today and got absolutely no where. I talked to his paralegal who told me that they received the papers back from my H but not bc he signed it, the papers someone got to the wrong address...who knows! So he hasn't even gotten the papers yet! IT was weird too bc while I was on the phone with the paralegal my phone beeped and it was my H and he asked how our son was, I said he is doing well he then asked how our daughter was I said good and that she turns two months old today to which he replied I know. And that was that.

Ohhhhhh welll....just wish the whole divorce thing was taken care of I'm pissed that it ended up in the wrong place.... its just delaying this


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

How frustrating! You feel that you have to wait all over again.

Grrr...

During thos "check ins" do you talk about anything else or is it a general "hows the kids" conversation?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Oh it was only about the kids and by the way its never him calling he only sends texts...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Oh..I see. He doesn't have anything to say.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Yup pretty much the extent is now two texts every week or so, it was three texts on my sons b-day last week and then two texts yesterday. We have a great relationship!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Well he can't face ou thats why he won't call. HE doesn't want to hear how much of a turd he is. It's ok you don't need boys like that in your life.. Wait till you meet a real man who will love you for you..


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He doesn't want to face you Ash. When I mean "face" he can't even bear the thought of hearing you. 

He should feel ashamed. I hope he is...


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I hope he is too CW but I honestly doubt it. I just wonder when this man will ever grow up. I just can't imagine how he can keep on going throu the day without havving ever held his daughter I know I keep saying that but I really can't get it! He missed around ten months of our sons life now and never met his daughter. Wow thats all I can say.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

A long day. I thought about him quite a bit today. Still very disappointed over the whole papers situation. Its funny I don't really want the divorce yet here I am just wishing it was over. Going to bed, I have to read now before I go to bed, it actually helps me relax


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Aww Ash you'll be ok.. I wish my wife would fight for me like this.. I envy that. Yet I know in my heart she doesn't have that much strength.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I do a lot of reading. And lately I've been reading blogs and googling things like why men do certain things (ie: cheat, lie, divorce ) and the answers have all depressed me. Some of these sites and blogs (eternal batchelor, etc) makes me feel like their is no hope ever! They all complain about how woman nag too much are to jealous only are after their money and their answer to that? They will either remain single or marry foreign...they all hate American woman!!

The biggest dig of all was when they warned men to stay away from single moms. They said single moms are out of shape, fat, lazy, are *****s and are just looking for a man to take care of them and their kids.

And this wasn't on just one site this was on multiple multiple sites. But of course these sites went on to say that if you look like Jessica Alba than it doesn't matter (other stars were mentioned as well)

Well not all of us look like her. The only one who does is well her. I guess this is my whole self esteem issue thing coming into play. But it is depressing. I'm only 22. But I have two kids. I have to work out and watch what I eat now bc every since I've had both of them it is so easy to gain weight not so easy to lose it. I don't have time everyday to spend as much time on my looks as I would like to. So here I am "competing" with 18+ years olds who have no kids no strings attached. How am I ever going to make it in a world that is slowly turning for the worse.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash, stay away from those websites - that's like eating junk food - 
and don't label yourself - you are who you are with your unique life story and you don't have to compete with anyone - what for ? a man who would see women in this way??? Everyone has to work out and watch what they eat as they get older and no mums have enough time to do it - and some mums have penty of time and don't do it...and you are 'making it' .....you are so making it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Those guys making those website and moaning about American women, single moms, and Jessica Alba are probably losers themselves. You know how these things go...anonymous-land. You can say anything about anybody and get away with it. NO respect.

Like the guy in a F-250 with dual wheels cutting you off in traffic and then flipping you off when he passes you by. He's a bad azz alright. Watch him jump out of that truck, at the gas station, and he's a puny older man with a cowboy hat. Would he flip you off at the gas station out of his truck (his armor)? No not at all.

The internet is so impersonal and not reality. Like K says...it's like junk food.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

You both are right, but it angers me all the same. I am trying so hard not to group all men together, but just coming out of this horrible marriage, reading things like that, and still not being able to grasp how a man can deny his children, does sicken me. There are horrible woman out there as well, confused woman who have walked out on their children and their husbands, and the men on here can attest to that. I just see it happening more to woman though. And I'm sick of it. My kids had nothing to do with the situation. Nothing! My daughter wasn't even born yet! But he can decide that he doesn't need to help them out right now. And everything I read, everything that I see on TV...it makes me mad! All those commercials for men out there....about all of them have models that most woman will never look like half-naked dancing around....but commercials for woman? Oh yea a bunch of commercials where woman seem to not be able to stop cleaning! 

And yet if I stay angry, I turn into this bitter old spinster who just has her cats for company.

But yet if I move on and go out and have fun...I'm a gold-digging single mom who just is looking for a free ride

And forget about going to a normal club that kids my age go to. Soon as a man finds out I have two kids I'm already labeled as a bad mom bc how dare I go out when I have two kids at home.

But I'm sure nobody even blinks an eye when my H spends all his money in bars and such without sending a cent to his kids. I bet no one has told him to buck up and be a man and take care of his kids.

But let me slip up once, once, and everyone reminds me that i have the kids to think about, my first priority is them, etc etc

Somedays I really feel like its a double standard.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash you are correct about all of this...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash,

Listen to CW, K, and LH. Don't go on those sites. There are a lot of sites that go the other way too. But i'm not going to tell you not to be angry. Because you need to allow yourself that. But work through it and dispose of it. 

Not all men are idiots. Not all men are boys (of course deep down I was one). Just remember to look for a different sort of "man" than you would before.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I wish that I wasn't right K...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash i wish you weren't right either. But you can't worry about what others think of you. I've done that all my life until now. Didn't realize i did that to the degree that I did. If you let others rule your life, you won't live it the way you should. I'm not saying don't listen to others, just make your own decisions about what you need to do for you.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

You are right Ash - but what I meant was it just doesn't mean anything - it's not about who you are as a person - it's just a load of rubbish - I have already had some weird stuff happen to me as a consequence of being a single mum - mainly form other mums I have to say - but their attitude just tells me something (not nice ) about them - it doesn't touch me - I couldn't give a rats whether I am a 'single mum' or a married mum or someone with no kids - it's not 'who' I am and I am not diminished by my life story - you will find friends and people who 'get' you and appreciate you and love you for who you are - and all of us on the forum say that you will find a man who love you and be a partner to you and father for your kids because we can not only see your strength and beauty but also because you are young - statistics are on your side -

take time out from even worrying having a man in your life - you have lot on your plate to sort before you can move on in a healthy way - 

spend some time on you tube looking at funny stuff - 

I spent all of last night laughing my head off ! and dancing around - it is so possible to have a good time by yourself!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Sorry Ash you are right. A lot of men don't stand up and put somebody else first. It is always about them and what you can do for them. I get almost sick to see how far women go just to get a man who will be honest and home with them. It's not asking a lot but todays world it's a throw away society. We need to live for now and if you don't like it move on. No more honor. No more loyalty.. I am sorry you are hurting but feel good you are getting rid of a boy. He will regret it someday..


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

When we divorce, Ash, I think we all have questions and fears.

Sometimes I think:

1. Am I too old to begin another relationship? Who will want me?
2. Will I be able to find a quality person?
3. How will they treat my children?

Some of my fears are irrational some are not. I don't know. I guess it's the fear of the unknown. 

There are many people in the world. I think we have to heal ourselves and not worry about others. If we are honest and kind then good things will eventually happen to us. 

For now...be angry.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

CW- When I was faced with thinking of anoher relationship I was scared as hell. I was with my wife since I was 20. I don't know what an adult relationship is. We still act like kids to each other. Lots of playful groping and touching. We don't seem to interact like couples our age. So I was nervous a women wouldn't accept me for who I am. That was a big fear..


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

CW I have all of those questions as well - and the kids one is the clincher isn't it? 
There are good people and you are I are YOUNG! 
but I just think you cn't 'replace' what we have had - a shared life - whatever realtionship we have in the future is complex - it involves someone with a different past - (probably given our ages other kids) and for us the x and our kids will always be there -
so what we have in the future will be tricky - 
we have had relative simplicity in our life - that has suited me - my sadness sometimes is simply around that - 
sometimes i think i won't ever re-partner simply because i don't seek drama or complication ever -

I am getting used to be alone 




Corpuswife said:


> When we divorce, Ash, I think we all have questions and fears.
> 
> Sometimes I think:
> 
> ...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

K, you aren't alone. Just remember that. You've got 2 great kids. Same with CW. CW, I just can't really believe you having those questions about yourself.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

FA: If I didn't have questions about myself...I would either not be human or be mentally ill! haha

I've dated my H since I was 15 years old. I married as a newly 19 year old. I am now 44 years old. What will my life look like? I can't answer that...I just continue to be thankful, love my family, and love God. The rest will fall into place.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

CW, we all think like that, but don't worry. Too many guys at the gym checking you out. Worst case you can pay me to go out with you -- Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Especially tomorrow -- lets all (K I know you don't have Turkey Day there in Aussie land) be thankful for what we do have. I am thankful for my health, my brain, my new friends in anonymousland, my family, most definitely my son, and my w for opening my eyes to the scared little boy I was. Everyone, please have a good Thanksgiving.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

FA: I haven't been to the gym since my new job! Funny how that happens. I may go tomorrow but have chores-yuk! By the way...you'd have to pay to go out with me!! hahahaha!!!!

I'm thankful for: 
Friends that care.
Family that cares.
A job that is semi entertaining with benefits.
My children are healthy.
My dog that is sweet and comforting.
My ability to balance my life.
The difficult times that have brought me closer to God and faith.
My husband for taking care of me all of these years.
My new friends on this message board that have heard my fears and recognized my strength.

Special thanks and prayers to all of my friends that have pain in their hearts. One day, that pain will go away and reveal a new better life.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I'm sure I'd have to pay big bucks for that date. But would you pay for dinner after that? We just all need to remember that we each have a lot to be thankful for this year, next year and every year. I hope there is a pretty sunrise and sunset for you tomorrow CW. I'm sure it is beautiful where you are.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Just remember CW, I"ve got dibs on that first date. When it will be who the heck knows. The date without a "date". God bless.

Hope you have a great day tomorrow.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Dear team happy happy thanksgiving! It will hurt for you all but you will all be thankful as well - when you get the time can you tell me what it means? I knwo I could wiki it but I'd rather hear real stuff....
K


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

K,

T-day is representative of a feast held between the original settlers of the US and the native Americans. Where the settlers invited the native americans to the feast. This was after some "tension" between them. It represents thanks. 

It has Christian overtones for the first settlers of the US had "escaped" the religious mandates of the King of England where non Church of England practices were persecuted. So even though protestant they weren't the right protestants. For us here in the US it means the first step of religious freedom for all.

To me it has always been a time of family and truly thinking about the blessings in your life. For the things I am thankful for no matter what is going on in life.

That might not help. But hope it did.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Okay = so it is a bit like a treaty meal and then all the religious stuff as well - have to read up - we are barbarians in Australia - there were never amends made to the indigenous australians - that's another story -


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

FA: That was a beautiful taste of Thanksgiving! You did that VERY well.

K: We eventually became barbarians as time went on as well.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

K, unfortunately the Thanksgiving event was one of a few. And as CW said we became barbarians. We brought small pox to this land which almost single handedly wiped out the native american tribes. Then of course when minerals were found on historically indian land we drove them out and sent them to hell holes to live in. For a people who didn't believe in ownership - that must have been confusing.

Thanks CW, I thought it might have been a little short on explaining. Hope CW that you had a good day today. As I said on my post - flag football. We had about 18 play. But probably 30 there with kids and spectators. It was a good day. A little sore though. And K - hope R's b-day was good. He deserves a good day.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ray was beautiful this morning - both of my kids try very hard to convince me that they love my gifts and are having a great day - makes me sad to see him try like this ....


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

He's not trying K, he truly loves those gifts. But I bet he loves more seeing the smile on your face when he is smiling. Just a hunch, but I betcha.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

sorry Ash - jus realised that this was your thread - I get confused sometimes ...


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

haha K that is ok! I enjoy reading what everyone has posted, and sometimes I forget it's my thread to and thats good! Almost forget why I posted in the first place.....yea, that was a lie!

So...updates...

Good thanksgiving. I worked half a shift but get paid double for it so I didn't mind one bit! Came home around 1 pm and my family and I ate around 430. My son now eats all table food so that boy ate a full thanksgiving meal and all! Its funny my H was 6ft 5 inches.

I'm 5 ft 3 inches on a good day

My kids are going to be taller than me probably by the time their ten!!

So thanksgiving was a good day, but the day before was pretty bad. I called the child support agency in texas and they said the had no updates for me and that I need to go thru PA Domestic Relations. However whenever I go thru PA guess what they say? They say that I need to call TX directly myself!! Wow I love the answers I'm getting from these people. I filed in May, there is no reason I don't even have a court date yet to figure out the amount that he needs to start paying.

Called my lawyer after that, he was angry too said he would try to get me answers next week. He also said I should call PA's congressman bc there is no way it should have taken this long to just get a court date. Like I said the kids start day care in Jan..

But he also said that he re-mailed the divorce papers on Nov 20th so my H should have gotten them. Oh good just in time for thanksgiving, I hope it pissed him off.

Oh and when he texted me last friday he asked me to send him some pictures of my daughter bc he said he didn't have any (lie, I sent him some already) and that he wanted to show his family on thanksgiving.

So I bought a card and have two pictures in their of the kids....and I'm going to send it...on Monday, after his familiy leaves. Sorry I know thats a ***** thing of me to do, but this man can't send his son a damn card on his birthday or pick up the phone to call and ask about his cards or send me a dime and oh I'll be happy to send you pictures of a boy who you haven't seen in 11 months and a daughter you never met, just so you can flash the pictures to your family and pretend your just an AWESOME dad...so I don't feel bad.

He texted me yesterday. (Yes, again all he does is text, nothing else) The text he sent to me was have a happy thanksgiving Ash I wish I was with ya'll instead of sitting here watchin NCIS. Kiss the kids for me.

I sent back You and Your family have a happy thanksgiving.

And that was that.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I wish I was with you??????????????????????????
I wish these guys would give up expecting pity when they are being as***** - what? were you supposed to feel sorry for him??????????? these guys are stupendously PATHETIC 
'


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: Isn't it just words? Makes me sick. How he can say these things and pretend! He's living in another world.

You got him pegged alright. I commend you Ash. It's incredible the strength that you have....


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I don't know about pegged...I'll feel i have him pegged when he either starts helping me out or gets his ass thrown in jail for not.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Pegged as in his personality and behavior. 

When you said thrown in jail...I forgot that they do that


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Its sad that it has come to this. I am so angry at him yes but do I wish that he would just be a dad and me not have to do all of this yes I also feel that. Sometimes I think I should just completly let this go and not even bother trying to get any money from him...done alright so far....but my two kids have his last name and if he wants to text once a week and ask for pictures and stuff than I feel he should also carry half of the financial burden as well. This sucks CW

Been feeling down in the dumps these two days, more than likely bc of the holiday. And the other big one is coming up...Just sucks.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with the suck factor! It's multiplied for you as you have young children to raise and work and money and the holidays! 

Many burdens on your shoulder. 

I know the holidays are difficult for us all. I wish we could ignore them. It's difficult to do so with kids and all. 

If I were alone..I'd become a hermit during these months.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Ash hang in there these are the tough months and especially for you cause of the money and time. He sits and sulks wishing.. I would text him next time he has a pitty party to grow up and be a man..


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I didn't want any of this and it somehow all ended up in my lap...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

unfortunately since your the mom this happens a lot. Not saying its right but more of the reason as adults we need to act like it more. When there are other lives at stake we need to put ourself in their shoes and do what's best. Running people say is cvause it stops the fights but what is wrong with compromise and working at it to get peace??


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash, just remember to continue on the self improvement kick. It's a way to focus on things that you can control.

There are better times ahead. Just keep moving forward and look for things that make you happy. Life is a process. We must accept the good and the bad.

You'll look back in a few years and feel a pinge of sadness....but you'll be much better off and realize that all of this was necessary to get to this place and the happiness that you have will so much more appreciated.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Ash22 said:


> Sometimes I think I should just completly let this go and not even bother trying to get any money from him...done alright so far....


Ash,

I assume you're just stating how you feel and won't really give up on the money. If you're really feeling this way, please reconsider. I know a woman that didn't want or get *ANYTHING* from her ex except for a house. Today, times are sometimes tough financially. 

Not asking for anything is the EASY way out but probably not so much in the long run.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with D8zd....don't give up on him financially. I know it's a pain to work through the system. However, once it gets started it will be worth it. 

He probably doesn't want to work because he'll have to pay for all of his children. Maybe they'll put him in jail if he doesn't pay.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Its funny, I read through a lot of threads and then I see what others post in replies and than what they write on their own threads. I noticied a lot of similarities. For one the whole no contact thing, if you are around your spouse to put on a happy front, to go out all the time, seek counseling, put your kids first, etc etc.

The truth is we all know what to do, every single one of us. I know what to do, I know how to "get over" him, but in my head. And unfortunatly not all of our heads match up with our hearts.

Also I want to say that even though we all might know what to do, I know I need the reminder. Trust me you all could never tell me enough that I need to go out, that I need to put on a happy front and so on.

When I really think about my situation, which is never good, I get sick. Literally I get sick. Last Sunday I heard about a woman at church who is pregnant and my sister told me that her husband left her. (It wasn't the truth thank God, I later found out...no idea where my sister gets her information!) I remember when she told me that originally though, my heart stopped it felt like and I remember thinking wow what kind of man does that that poor girl and I can't imagine what kind of pain she is in. Then I remembered, that happened to me! Someone who I exchanged vows with someone who said that they would protect me,, laugh with me, that we would be with each other until we die, left me pregnant. He wasn't there when I had my daughter! I didn't have a man there holding my hand and telling me that I would be ok.

Somedays it rocks me to my core what he did to me. And I don't care if I sound bitter and I don't care if I need to forgive him and show him unconditional love I want him to hurt. I want his karma to come around and bit him so hard that that man won't ever be able to breathe easy again.

Because somedays I can't. Somedays I have a huge lump in my throat and I can't swallow. 

Yes it works to my advantage in a way bc I am only 22. But somedays I think that its a disadvantage. I wasn't ready mentally to handle this. I guess no one is but now I can't ever see myself letting anyone touch me ever again.

I'm going on a date tomorrow. I really really really don't want to go and am very nervous. Bc while I'm on this date I'm going to be thinking that the only reason that I'm on this date in the first place is bc I'm single...its becasue my husband left.

I know it will heal, time heals most all wounds. But a lot of wounds leave scars, big nasty scars, no matter how clean you try to keep the wound and no matter how hard you try to protect it...some wounds will leave a big scar.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash, you are doing great. In the future you will allow someone to touch you. But that is all dependent on you and your willingness.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

ASh: Kuddos for recognizing that we ALL know what to do. That reminding and support is so helpful to us all isn't it?

I'm glad that you have a date. It's wonderful. Just have fun! You deserve someone's full attention.

I see a scar as a way to protect. We are living through an ordeal in which protection is needed. This is how we get through. Eventually, the scar will fade. It will still be present but a little lighter and smoother.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

It is great your getting out but please remember not to yake anything out on this person that your husband did. I know its hard cause the pain is thee but not everybody is as bad as he is. Have a great time and laugh it feels good too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I don't even think that I am ready to date yet to be honest, but I made sure that this man is aware that I am not wanting anything serious. I don't think I'm ready bc of what LH stated above. My H burned me pretty bad, its going to be hard not to think that all man that I date will do that to me in the long run. I am however looking forward to getting out of the house tonight.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Good for you Ash. Just have fun.. What does serious mean to you?? If I heard that it would tell me she is looking to date but not be attached to one person. you mentoned about not wanting to be touched right now I hope he knows that. I don't want to see you get angry or frustrated at the night if he makes a move.. Hopefully its all jst relaxed like friends..


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I'm about to leave for my date...I'm very very nervous. This feels weird.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Go Ash Go!

I can't wait to hear the details. Even the weird ones!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash this will be the first of many dates - and sad old us we are all waiting for the details - your date will be the closest any of us get to a date in a while - so don't be mean SHARE! 

D8zed - where do you hang out? You turn up with such good comments...


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

knortoh said:


> D8zed - where do you hang out? You turn up with such good comments...


I hang out in seedy old bars and learn from very wise bartenders. I like to call them "Dr. Phil".


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

they should be so lucky! I want to be a fly on that wall


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Alright K, I will talk about my date. I was very very nervous at first. I left my house around 8 or so right after my son went to bed, and my mom said she would put my daughter to bed for me. I went to my friends house that hooked us up on this date and got ready there. I left, he wanted us to meet at his house and then we could take one car to the movies. 

I was very hesitant at first, I don't know him, but he is friends with my friend and her husband, so I trust them. I got there and he came out and we left for the movies.

It was good, he was very easy to talk to and he was for the most part funny. He paid for my ticket (which was like wow for me since I am used to paying for everything) I offered, but he said no. After the movie we went to a bar for a little bit and then I left around 130 bc my daughter still gets up at around 4 to eat.

So my thoughts on it.... I am glad I went, I had a lot of fun. But in no way shape or form was I attracted to this man but I did have a very good time and like I said he paid for everything (drinks at the bar too). 

We get back to his house and I get ready to leave and he kisses me. I was kinda shocked and I looked at him and said oh ok well it was nice to meet you and then I practically ran for my car. That was kinda funny, awkward but funny.

I talked to my friend the next day and I guess he had already talked to them. He told her that he thought that I was really really pretty and funny and he wanted to go out with me again. Which made me smile but then she told me that he also said that I had a very nice ass , which made me not smile so much. He also didn't know I was 22 he thought that I was around 27 or 28, but he ment it as a compliment, I hope! lol

So yes I would go out with him again only bc it was nice to get out but I am in no way interested in anything serious. There were certain times throughtout the night that I thought off my ex but it was far and few inbetween. And of course I knew my ex never would have paid for anything.

So it was a good night, I had fun, which was my main goal and in the least I gained a new male friend. And all I want right now is to get out and date some more that way I won't make the same mistake I made before.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

And K... when you go on your first date...I want to hear the details too!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

It's deal Ash - I am a talker so you'll get the full version !!!!!!!!!!


sounds not too bad - as far as dates go - 

and hey he's a GUY - the nice ass comment just goes with the territory! You don't really want a guy who doesn't have these thoughts!


Just take it easy - he may not be 'friend' material either - my advice only....


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Good for you Ash!! At least you are moving on. 

I wondered how you would do. I'm glad to hear that you didn't think about your ex much while on the date. I've often thought that I would constantly compare a date with my H (that is if I ever get a date). 

I would take everything he said as a compliment. 

Just go slow. You're still so young!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Awesome Ash! You have the right attitude. You are dating...not in a relationship. Have some fun. Get to know different types of guys. Heal. 

It's funny how you were shocked that he wanted to pay! It's strange how we get used to these things only to realize "what the heck was I thinking" over time.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Good for you Ash!!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I am so happy you did this.. Itg will pick up your self esteem and begin to have happier thoughts.. 

One thing that you said that worried me though.. You said you were not attracted to him but your doing a 2nd date.. Does he know where you stand?? I don't want to see you leading somebody on... It good to go out and date many people but as long as they know at least there will be no backlash Other then that have a great time.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Long day, I'm going to keep it short and get back to what you said LH tomorrow, but I do want to share something humorous...

It's snowing up here in PA. I was at work when it started and it came down thick. Now, I worked an 8 hr shift, so by the time I was done it had piled up pretty nice (roughly 3 inches) over everything. I got into my car and went to hit the light button, but I hit the moonroof switch, needless to say mounds of snow dumped on me, my hair, my clothes, basically everything in the front of my car.

You can laugh, bc I did. You have to laugh sometimes, and it was pretty funny...cold, but funny.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash,

That is why I don't live in PA anymore. Nice!!!!!!!!!!1 And for the guy you went out with -- not just a nice ass, but a good, deep and intelligent mind. Keep going strong Ash. Always welcome in NC where the snow isn't much anytime although it is cold here tonight. Cold tonight -- might be balmy to you -- but for here cold. 


Keep it real Ash.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Funny story Ash! I went through a drive through car wash (automatic type). I went to make sure the my window wasn't cracked but pushed the button in the wrong direction and got sprayed in the face! Aren't you glad that we aren't on camera??


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Haha Corpus! I have done that same thing myself! I wish I "knew" you back then when I lived in Texas. I can't remember if I said this before but I often wonder what would have happened if I had found this forum while my husband and I were still together...how things would be now.

LH- I have made it clear to this man that I want nothing serious and he doesn't either. We had fun that night and he asked me out again and I will go eventually, I still haven't given him a time yet. I understand where you are coming from though bc if I am being honest with myself, I could see myself getting attached to someone simply bc I do not want to be alone, that is something I need to work on also. Damn! My list keeps getting longer! So I will take it slow, but it did feel so good to get out and actually have someone take me out on a actual date, it was exciting!

FA- I may take you up on that one day. I love the Carolinas. My uncle just moved to South Carolina and I would like to visit him and when I was about 16 or so I went on a white water rafting trip through N. Carolina and into SC and then into Georgia it was fun!

Updates....My H texted me today asking about the kids and trying to make small talk. I received about a total of 5 texts from him 

H) Hey ash how are the kids? The skins might beat the Saints today.

Me) The kids are doing good, enjoying their first snow

H) It snowed here but not to much I bet its cold there. Are you taking pictures of them, please do. I want to see J and see how much our son has grown of course

Me) Every chance I get

H) CAn you send me some now over the phone

Me) They are all on my camera I'll send some shortly

H) Ok thank you are you watching football?

Me) I'll send the pictures shortly

He got the point and texted back thanks. I wanted to talk to him so bad! He knows I love football and we used to always talk football, and me acting like this tore me up. But why should I send him pictures when this man can't send me anything!! So far haven't heard anything from the lawyer so to my knowledge he hasn't signed. I don't want to ask. its easier when I just don't hear from him at all, so I never ever text him for anything. Sad sad sad I miss the piece of **** so much.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash...it sounds like this guy is liking you. I'm glad that you are truthful and all. You are a busy girl so it would be hard to see him much anyway, at this point. I'd take it slow and don't get hung up on him. 

You H will probably miss you during the holidays. It's make folks miss family. He'll probably make more small talk/text.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Just keep leaving him alone. He is starting to wonder.. Not seeing the kids will get to him more and more. yet he needs to feel that this is how its going to be.. The pictures will help him remember what he is missing.. 

He is obviously a fool to let you go. As it would be hard for him to find somebody like you that would put up with this.. I can't get this from my wife and I kill myself.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash you are a keeper!

He is foolish and immature. He will recognize this soon. 

I see you as a very strong woman and mother. 

From what you've written, I don't see any positive traits. Of course, your story is written one-sided. 

In many cases, here on this board, I would say my opinion of relationships could go either way. However, in your case I don't see any redeeming qualities of your husband. Nothing at all. 

Keep doing what your doing Ash. You'll be better off in the long run.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash, I only see what CW does - please don't let him back into your life


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I agree with CW and K. He's really missing out.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thanks guys. I appreciate your support.

There was some good stuff about him CW. I was (still a little bit) crazy about this man. He said a lot of good things, but his problem was he could never put actions behind his words. He was funny though. He made me laugh a lot and I love people with a good sense of humor. But I guess you can't build a marriage off of just humor.

And everything right now to me is completely overshadowed by the fact that he doesn't even attempt to take care of his kids.

I tell you, it is a good good thing that I live in PA and him in TX bc if we were close I might have beat his ass by now!

Your right LH, about how the pictures will make him realize even more of what he is missing. I debated about sending him a Christmas card at first but then I was talking to a few of my friends, and I think that the pictures would hurt him even more than me not sending them. Another reason is when my kids get old I want to be able to tell them that I tried. That I really did try and I did what I could to keep them and their dad close. I don't want them to think that I am/or was trying to keep them from having a relationship with their dad.

The truth is, he's doing a good enough job of that himself.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Ash Think about sending him a x-mas card with you and the kids picture all dressed up for it. Little things like that will make him wonder what he is missing plus it gives you a memory..


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

and inside 
"missing you (when I find the time)"


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Tired and a bit worn out. Still haven't heard anything from my lawyer regarding my divorce papers it has been almost a month and he still hasn't signed. This man getting on my last nerve. 

My friend asked me why I think he hasn't signed yet...if I think its because he still wants us to be together.

I said hell no, he hasn't signed bc that man is so broke he can't afford a stamp and he is so lazy he won't go and mail it! (And that's the truth :,)


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

can't do the marriage, can't do the divorce!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

no K can't do the marriage in a productive way but doesn't want to lose what he had for fear he had something good he's throwing away.. It's called limbo..


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I just wish he would sign so I could just let this whole situation go. I'm tired of all of this. I feel like I'm in limbo. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he has someone else already so why can't he just sign the papers so I can really move on? My lawyer right now is working on finding out when my child support court date will be...and I have 36 dollars left in my trust account with him. Damn divorces are too expensive.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Yes they are. Thats why your not supposed to do them.  I think marriages are more expensive..


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I think you are right, in regards to why he's stalling-too lazy!

I guess you can proceed with the divorce without a signature.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

my H is also getting lazier although I didn't think it was possible - he does nothing productive towards sorting things out....sometimes I also do nothing ....but Ash I know I feel much better when I do something - is there anything you can do from your end to move things along?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Not really, if he doesn't sign the papers yes I can still proceed with the divorce but it would have to be on contested grounds and that costs more money. Its that or I wait two years until I can get a divorce without his signature. Oh well I'm hoping he just signs them.

I sent a card with some pictures of the kids and I wrote this letter and put inside the card too:

Dear Mr. _

I just wanted to let you know how the kids are doing. C is 32 inches tall and 25 lbs. He says a few words now but most of the time he just babbles. He loves to run around and be outside, he's not . He's not to sure of the snow yet. His 2 favorite toys are a football and a bat. He loves beans and rice, bananas, mangos, chicken, turkey and I could go on. He's very healthy. His doctors say he is one of the best looking boys they've ever seen. (of course!) His new thing is taking his clothes off and trying to put them back on!

J is a little over 12 lbs and aroudn 22 inches I think. She laughs and smiles now and is attempting to roll over. She likes to stare at C. Her eyes are blue. Other than that she's not doing to much. She pretty much sleeps through the night now, thank God.

The pictures: couldn't get the red eye out was too busy. I think they still look cute, even thou J looks possessed in some of them.

I still get my mail at my parents house. The house I got had to get a few renovations so I stay there some nights but the kids and I won't officially be there until the beginning of next year. So until then this is the kids address.

Alright on another note and I'll keep it short. I would appreciate it if you would sign the divorce papers. I have already signed and just want this over and done with. If you have already signed then jsut forget what I just wrote. Also I haven';t received any money from you and while I have no problem with you texting for your kids, texting does not substitute for a dad. I do fine on my own but you are the other parent and you need to take some responsibility. You've never met your daughter and its been almost a year since you've seen C, all I'm asking is for some financial help.

The kids start daycare in Jan. They are both doing very well and are healthy. Hope all is well with you and your family. Please give Rico (my dog that he took when he left) a kiss for me. Merry Christmas

Ash


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Wow Ash, I don't know about him but I cried when I read about your kids - what a wonderful letter - I am sure it will hit home and hurt hard - I also hope that he responds to financial stuff. Remember though this isn't actually a request from you - it is an obligation on his part to his children. Has nothing to do with 'helping' you. I know I am being technical - but the fact that you have been put in a position of asking for it just makes it seem like that.
Give those babies a kiss from me...
K


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I will! Thanks K, I hope it hits him somewhere inside.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Tip it was a good strong letter. I took it as if you moved on and ready for next step. As far as your son goes he seems like mine. Will be 2 end of feb and really just babbles. Few words. Doesn't eat much other then cookies.  he is also in the undressing stage but doesn't put on. Taking off diaper is a pain. Hehe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I loved the letter. It didn't show any animosity. Just to the point.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Oh I know what you mean LH! Just a few days ago my son was in taking a nap and when I went to go in a get him he had taken off all his clothes and his diaper and the worst thing was? You can imagine what was in the diaper! So what had been in the diaper was now all over the walls the crib and himself! Oh well, had to laugh, even though the smell was horrible!

No new news. Haven't heard anything from ex or lawyer or child support. This is taking so long!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

There's a technical word for why kids like doing this...but it really just adds up to a big mess! Sorry that you haven't had any luck in moving things along.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Ash22 said:


> Oh I know what you mean LH! Just a few days ago my son was in taking a nap and when I went to go in a get him he had taken off all his clothes and his diaper and the worst thing was? You can imagine what was in the diaper! So what had been in the diaper was now all over the walls the crib and himself! Oh well, had to laugh, even though the smell was horrible!
> 
> No new news. Haven't heard anything from ex or lawyer or child support. This is taking so long!


Ash He did that also when my wife was watching him. It's a distant memory but will be burned into our heads for us to throw back at him when he's a teenager and has a brought home a girl.  I will tally up those moments trust me..


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Any news on your paperwork status?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

No. No new news. I know by now he has received my letter and I haven't heard anything from him. Not that I am expecting anything I mean I did basically say sign the divorce papers, send money and merry christmas! I bet that will be his favorite Christmas Card this year!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Oh and my anniversary is Dec 19th this Saturday


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash anniversaries also the pits for us - take it easy on yourself


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Man at least your getting over the biggies all at once. next year will be better. I can guarantee that..


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Yes, Ash, anniversaries are the pits. 

Make sure you go out and do something special for yourself (and your kids if you want) on that day. 

I recently talked to a lady at a jewelry store who divorced a few years ago. Each year on her anniversary she goes out with friends and has a little party. I thought this was a great idea.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes ASh....my anniversary is Dec. 29th. It will be my 25th! We made it! LOL with a touch of sarcasm


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I agree Ash, do it up for you this year. After that just remember he was just a donor. You're doing great. How much snow did you get? Word around here is that you were looking at around a foot. 

CW, its still a heck of a milestone no matter the circumstances. I know you can handle it. No worries there.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

FA: I can handle most anything at this point. My suit of armor is on and I am ready. My 25th will be a blessing. No matter what HE says, our marriage was a wonderful role model for our kids, friends and family. We worked our rears off...to build a family, business and educate ourselves with no financial or emotional help from anyone. 

He, during his warped thinking, has sold our marriage...down the river. I know that was to justify his "out." It's easier to point out things wrong-after the fact. It's easier to blame our problems on the other person. It's easier to run. It's easier to not look inward or admit your part or ANY wrongdoing. He is wrong. 

Like many of you, we are given no choice in the matters of our marriage. The only choice that we can gain is to accept our circumstance and kick their azzes. HOW? By living a great life with authentic people who care about you. By doing the things that you always wanted to do but didn't. By loving those who love you back. By smiling when you are happy. By crying when you are sad. This is the real life. Not some fantasy to think about "what if" or "if only." We get one chance. Tomorrow isn't a given.

He


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

CW - what a wonderful post! Another CW special that I will print up and stick on the wall - you are famous here! 

I am feeling many of the same emotions/ ideas? 
especially about my marriage - it was wonderful in so many ways and my kids saw kindness, and gentleness and happiness and lots of love - it was a real life.

Just this morning I thought I will always feel proud of my marriage...no-one can take that away from me ....

And daily I can feel my life expanding - while I see his shrinking...I am beginning to feel excited about what I can do - know that I have had this wake up call - and it is nothing to do with finding someone else


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Her comes Ash's and my snow storm. For me they are caling 12-20 inches. Hasn't snowed here yet but any min. I will be leaving for work in about an hour and driving through it. Work will be boring..


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Anniversary today and yes I would love to do it up, but unfortunately I am going to be snowed in for a little while it looks like.

The good thing about me though is I was never very into anniversary's with my H. In fact, this is almost embarrassing to say, this is the first year I have remembered the date. When we were together he would be the one to bring it up. Once, out of the blue, he asked what was the date we got married. And I forgot. I know, that's bad!

But right now I remember but I'm actually ok about it. I've been on my computer a lot posting pictures of my recent trip to Yankee Stadium (which always brightens my day) and I worked late last night and my son is teething crazy amounts and had a pretty high fever so I've been busy.

Its just said to know that we have reached another year of marriage and its over.

I had been hoping that he would have signed the papers before this day.

Damn man doesn't want to make anything easy! Haha, oh well it is what it is...


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

oh but on a good note...I was asked on another date by the man I saw a few weeks ago. I accepted but made sure that he knew it wasn't serious. So even thou its "nothing" I am still looking forward to just getting out and about.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash...this is just one guy. There are plenty to go around. You have your fun. You deserve every moment!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

yes have your fun.. Obviously your ahead of a lot of people here.. Maybe cause your younger and marriage in less years. I believe that being younger helps.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Glad you have some attention Ash - just knowing someone is interested makes us feel a bit better - enjoy this - it's harmless fun


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I had fun on the date but I want to start seeing other men too only because I know I could just get "comfortable" and let this get serious if I'm not careful and I don't want that. And this man is not someone I'm even really interested in but it was fun. After the movie he invited me over to his house for drinks and I looked at him and said no thanks I'm just going to go home. Sorry buddy I'm not even close to being there yet.

I had a thought today. It was brought on by the fact that one of the things on my to-do list is to call the child support agency. Anytime I have to do anything that involves my ex my stomach gets twisted and I get nervous. I know I'm doing better, but the truth is I don't see him at all! I don't have to worry about running into him, don't have to worry about actually seeing him with someone else bc we live so far. If we lived close I don't think I would be this "ok". And that kinda scares me. I'm pretty sure one day in our future we will have to meet face to face. And what if I think that I will be ok ( who knows by that time I could have someone else ,etc...) but then when I see him it just all turns?

In other words I feel stronger but everytime I have to do something like call child support agencies or call my lawyer I get really nervous. I hope this strength isn't just b/c we are not close.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Smart thinking with dating others. 

I get the same way "dealing" with the divorce. I hate talking to my attorney.

Take the strength wherever and however you get it! It doesn't matter why you have. It matters that you have it at all!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash - that' sright everytime we have to do something it is hard. We take a deep breath and remember that once it is done it is done - we can tick it off the list. Then we take a breather - until the next hard thing. I am glad for your sake you don't have to see him. He's so much more of a coward though than you that I wouldn't waste a minute thinking about what will happen if you do have to one day. You'll be so much more on top of things than he ever will. Good luck with dating


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Ash, I too don't have to deal with my ex. He also lives in another state. But his parents and family live close. 

I haven't seen him in over a month now. The last time I saw him I did have a flood of emotions. Mainly that I thought I could take him back if he'd just apologize and agree to work on our marriage. Boy, I must have been dreaming or on drugs. 

It's easier to be apart but I also think it's harder. I know there are many days and nights that I wonder what he's doing or if he even misses me.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Very bad day today....God is really testing me today I think!!

First my daughter slept horrible so I didn't get a lot of sleep, I got up early and slipped on the stairs and fell down.

Then my son started crying and I got him up and when i went to change him I noticied he had a rash all over him so I had to take him to the doctors. It wasn't anything just a result of his high fever over the weekend, but he is doing well now.

I got home from that and my daughter was still crying inconsolably. I had to get ready for work by that time and as i was going to leave I get a phone call from the subsidized child care I applied for. It would cut my 1500 dollar child care bill down to 200 a month. They told me I exceeded the income limit by a hundred dollars or so. I had to pick up an extra shift bc you have to work x amount of hours to qualify, so that extra shift put me over the income limit. But I can't drop the extra shift bc then my hours wouldn't qualify. I called the child agency again bc if I don't get this money I can't afford daycare and I will have to drop out of school.

I called my lawyer. Whenever I'm mad I call him. He's the only person so far who has sent me a christmas card! I spoke to the paralegal and asked for any updates on my case. She said she would try and get in touch with my ex to have him sign the papers and that she was going to call domestic relations today as well. 

I am so angry. I want to go to school. But if I don't qualify for this bc I'm over slightly I can't. I really really really hate my ex right now. I want to rip into him over the phone but you know what he'll do? CLICK... and that will just infuriate me even more.

It's a fight for everythign I have to do right now. How can a single mom with two kids not qualify?

And then I went to work and we were short so I had double the amount of work to do and patients to take care of.

My brain hurts and I hate this! I was doing ok and then bam I get hit with this.

I hate him so much right now. He is off living his life with no problems and I struggle everyday with money and taking care of the kids. ITs draining, and I don't know how much more I can deal with. My plate is full.

Why does everything have to be a fight?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Ash sorry your having such a hard time. Problem is your doing the life of 2 on your own. It's very hard and I don't envy you right now but it will get better. Hang on for a little bit. I am sure 2010 will be better for you..


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash,

Life is a battle for you at the moment. Children, work, childcare - and at times for reasons I will never understand those who are most deserving and most in need of practical help are denied it. in your case it sounds totally totally infuriating. 

You are brave and proud and facing it head on now. Bit by bit your life will even out and with some of the details sorted things will get a bit more relaxing. There will be a bit of space to breathe.

Right now venting is definitely in order!

Wish I could help out with your practical problems though. I find when dealing with govt. agencies it can make a great difference who you speak to - my only advice is try and find someone helpful and get them advocating for you.

Keep going, keep breathing....
K


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Still haven't heard anything back from the child care agency. I called about seven times today...this is going to be such a fight for me to get this!! And I hate having stuff looming over me, esp during the holidays...I was really hoping to just relax this Christmas.

I received a text from my H asking me what my address was.

I had to reread it a few times bc first of all I mailed him that letter so my address is right on that!! Oh well...I called him after I received that.

He picked up and said hey whats your address I can't read it off the card.

I gave it to him and he said thanks

I then asked him if he could please sign the divorce papers. 

He didn't say anything then he said yea I guess I could 

I said thanks and then asked when he is going to start helping me out financially. He said he has been thinking about it and he's sorry he hasn't been able to but he owes money for his other child and if he doesn't pay that by friday he goes to jail.

I said ok and that's not my problem anymore.

He got pissed and said yea well whatever dude.

I then said he needed to get his ass up here and actually meet his daughter. He said he is so broke and that if he had the money don't I think he would come up there to see them?

He kept on trying to get a conversation going but I just kept my sentecnces short and about the kids.

I reminded him again that he needs to help out and he said he will

He then said that he would sign the papers for me.

I said ok thanks and I have to go I'm in the middle of something bye and hung up

Oh well....it is what it is I guess.

I had a conversation with God last night and I was crying. I don't want a divorce believe it or not...even after everything I still harbor a hope that we could be a family...it killed me to ask him to sign the papers but I can't be in limbo either.

I miss him tremendously. I don't want a divorce but I don't see another option. I told God to take it...because I simply can't anymore.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Oh Ash,
I feel for you so much. On top of everything you are forced to ask for something you don't want. You are a strong strong person. You will look back on this time with pride - you are acting so clearly and despite your pain you are doing what you need to do for you and your family. 
keep going Ash - your story is only just beginning.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Yes Ash keep going. I understand the need to have the "family" but he is no good for you or your kids. Even if he was back what would improve for yor family life? There are much better roads ahead for you and judging by your social life already it will be much better soon. Your husband doesnt deserve you.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash, Merry Christmas to you , your son and your daughter. Enjoy it for the three of you. 2010 will be a good year for you.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash...eventually things will get better. Bad days, better days, not so hot days....all apart of life and especially during the holidays and a pending divorce=a rough time!

Keep being assertive with the child care agency. It's difficult to get things done during the holidays. It's like the wheel turns really slow. People are gone and things are put off until "after the holidays." 

If for some instance, you have to drop school for this semester... it might be for a "reason." Do your best at trying to stay but if it doesn't work, then postponing a semester or so won't do much harm. Maybe its just not the time for you now. That's how I look at things now, when they don't go as planned. 

Hope your Christmas Day is blessed! It already is with your two babies...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey Ash - are you hanging in there? Did the kids enjoy Christmas?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

It took a tragedy for me to see, for me to come back to reality
It took my family, sanity
This wasn't part of the plan for me
People talked about me, went on without me
As if I had never existed
I guess a blessing taught me a lesson
I'll remember as long as I'm living

If I knew then what I know now, I'd be different, I would slow down
I would not be running around, if I knew then what I know now
If I knew then what I know now, I'd be different, I would slow down
As the world spins round and around, wish I knew then what I know now
I did it to myself, blamed nobody else

People warned me before it went down
I was out of control, drugs and alcohol, living lyfe like there was no tomorrow
And I'm not no superstar, times are super hard
I'm still finding my way dad to day
And I'm a man of my mind, I apologize, no one's perfect we all make mistakes

If I knew then what I know now, I'd be different, I would slow down
I would not be running around, if I knew then what I know now
If I knew then what I know now, I'd be different, I would slow down
As the world spins round and around, wish I knew then what I know now

Spent a lot of time upset, lot of things I regret
Damn it's so hard to let it go it go
They say that this gonna pass, I know but I'm still mad
It just all happen so fast, fo sho fo sho
Mommy say lyfe is prayer, daddy say lyfe ain't fair
But at least lyfe still here, ya know ya know
If I could take it back I would, if you could take it back you should
Bad times come with the good, hold on hold on

I knew then what I know now, I'd be different, I would slow down
I would not be running around, if I knew then what I know now
If I knew then what I know now, I'd be different, I would slow down
As the world spins round and around, wish I knew then what I know now


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

It is so hard to let go, Ash. You're right. But I've read your words and witnessed you doing it. You can do this. I know you're tired. But the energy and strength will find you again.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's so tiring to raise little babies, work full time, attempt school/childcare, and them fight for your relationship/divorce.

You are doing a fine job! There will be tought moments as you know. I'm in awe by your strength.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thanks to everyone for their continued support. You all have helped me tremendously. Hope everyone's christmas went well.

Christmas for me was good. Even though neither of my kids really understood the concept or their gifts! It was fun, but hard.

Christmas Eve was a very trying day, I was stressed over child care and my kids fed off of my stress. I struggled getting both the kids and myself ready for the christmas eve service at my church and once I got their I was in a horrible mood so I didn't take any of the sermon in at all. I saw a few people that I went to school with and they came up to me and we talked briefly, long enough for me to know that they are all happily married, no kids yet, going to school going out etc etc. I don't wish my situation on anybody I don't but I would be lying to you if I said it didn't make me jealous.

Christmas came and I received a text in the afternoon from my H saying merry christmas ash kiss the kids and I found the papers I will sign them for you. Thats all he wrote....

Yes I hate my situation, no I don't want a divorce, it hurt so bad for me to call and tell him to sign them already bc I already have. But what choice did I have? It will be a sad day when the lawyer calls me and tells me he got the papers. I know if I hadn't called that day he wouldn't have signed...not saying anything really but I guess everday that I didn't hear from my lawyer about it I harbored a small thought that maybe just maybe he doesn't want to sign it bc he doesn't want it over.

Oh well, it is what it is.

My main thing now is to focus on being a good mom. And I suck at it!! I really do. I have such a short temper, I rarely hold them bc I have never ever been that woman that loves babies and loves to hold them. I DON'T LIKE KIDS. And now I have two of them, by myself. I pray every night for God to help me just to give me patience bc I want to be a good mom. I want my kids to respect me and love me and listen to me. I know that good parenting is crucial during the first few years, but I feel almost lazy when it comes to it. I find it so hard to just get on the floor and play with my son or to do this for my daughter. I feel as if I'm jsut going through the most basic motions for them. I feel as if all i do is just make sure that they are fed and clean, I feel as if I can't give them anything more.

My son is only a little older than one but as soon as he starts to cry I lose it and I snap at him. He doesn't deserve that! And I know that, but I'm angry at him. Why? Because my h isn't here, bc I never wanted kids in the first place, and I feel like every day that I wake up determined to do better, I always fall short.

I don't want to just get by and be an ok mom. I want when my kids get older and when they talk to people I want them to say my mother did a great job raising me and I love her and she provided for us and she created a great foundation for us, etc. Well the way things are going now my kids will hate me when they get older. And why shouldn't they? when I hate myself.

I feel so selfish. I want to go out all the time, just be away from them. My favortie part of the day? When their in their naps...

I just feel like a horrible selfish person. They did not ask for this.

My dad made a comment to me about a month ago or so. He said somedays he thinks that they would have been better off adopted.

I cried.

I asked him if he thought I was a good mother.

He said yes due to your cicumstances.

But I want to be a good mother anyways, not just bc of my circumstances...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm glad that you Christmas was good.

Your kids needs are being met, maybe not up to your standards. 

You are going through a tough time. It's ok to go through the motions for now. If you need to force youself to play with them that ok too. They won't know the difference.

Eventually, they will get easier but these early years are so overwhelming in many ways. This is the time when they are hands on-all of the time. When you are single it's obviously difficult.

This is an opinion Ash and of course I don't know all of the details regarding your life. I would seriously put off school for at least a semester or two until they are bigger. They get sick so easy, at this age, with daycare and all. You'll end up missing school/work. Just to lessen the stress right now.

It took me 9 years to get my undergrad degree as we married young and were in the military and I had my first child. I lost many credits in the many transfers. I ended up with my graduate after my second. Take your time the education will be there but no sense in pulling your hair out doing it ALL. 

I get being envious of others lives. I see a wedding ring and I feel jealous or maybe it's more sadness. Right now my emotions are mixed.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash,
I agree with CW. Going through the motions with the kids is riugh on you not on them.
Before you begin judging yourself and damning yourself as a mum remember that you have never had a chance at being mum without stress and angst over your relationship.
You are doing it tough and you are young....you are in your rights to want to go out ! 
Don't take too much of what your dad says on board. 
Not to be mean to him but it is unlikely that he has any sense of what you have been through - and it is certain that he is no idea what it is like to be a young single mum.
He loves you and is supporting you as best he can. Take that message and forget the rest.

CW's advice about putting school off is sound - you have time on your side! 
It is evident that you are smart and dedicated - but one thing you don't need is more stress. As kids get older their needs lessen - and you have more individual space.

IS there a way that you can connect with other young single mums in your area and get support that way. Not everyone your age is married and living happily ever after...you need to find friends who can be fellow travellers ....someone you can bond with because you are sharing similiar experiences.

I have one friend who is a single mum and we support eachother so much - look out for one another - pick up each other's kids, cook dinner for eachother, laugh about our ex spouses...she is a rock to me and very inspirational -

hang in there Ash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Ash my wife is having issues also with the kids. My wife holds them and does the "basics" but she knows she isn't loving them the way she wants too. She doesn't do anything with them. So I understand how you feel. You love them the way you do. Provide the best you can. You are doing a job for 2 by yourself. I commend you for that. Stay strong. You did right by forcing your H to sign the papers. You need help and if he isn't going to help you on his own the law will. Stay strong..


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash, just let me say you are doing the things that will make your children look back and say you are and were a great mother. You are there, you are keeping them fed and clean. Sure its tough to get on the floor to play with them all the time and feel like you are going through the motions - to them you aren't. I can't imagine being in your shoes and holding up the way you do and have. You are the quintensential super mom right now. 

I think every woman (and I might be wrong here mothers) has those same feelings at times where you still want "your life". Its a balance I suppose, but nothing to feel selfish about. If anyone is being selfish it is your sperm donor.

So keep doing what you are doing. And I agree with CW and K that you should think of putting off school for a little while. The added stress and become overwhelming and be a negative for you long term. 

I admire your strength through this.


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## ScaredinFlorida (Sep 29, 2009)

OK, so he is telling you all of the things he wants you to hear because he is an abuser! This is what abusers do. They manipulate. Understand that he wants to be back in "family" because that is where he is secure. He/people want security, just like you that is why you want to get back with him. His behavior is actually a form of control. It sounds like a good thing, he wants to come back and you want a family. NOT GOOD. Don't fall for this, he needs you. You obviously do not need him. You know you have the ability to do this. Your kids will help you, they already have, they are telling you it will be okay, and it is the truth. Go and don't look back. He will realize he has made some serious mistakes, and will either work on himself, and move heaven and earth to prove it to you, or he will keep calling at his conveinience and want a family at his convenience, dont't put your self through more of this, move forward! You can do it, and should he move heaven and earth to get your family back that is when I would consider it, but not until then. I am going through something like this and it took me a long time to realize I was not the problem in this relationshsip (9yrs). I have been trying to do this for my family and keep us together until one, night my husband completely disrespected me again in front of our daughter, and I said not anymore, no more name calling, no more disrespect, no more avoiding him. This is not ok. My daughter came up to me and said mommy it will be ok (she is 3yrs old). I decided it will be okay we are leaving! And I have started my plan and am putting into action. I have gotten counseling for myself, and have seen a child psychologist for my daughter so I can learn how to talk to her about this, because I never want to talk badly about her daddy and I just want to be the bigger person here. You can not do this alone, so I am sure there is a resource in the texas area, I am assuming you are in El Paso at Bliss? You can do it. Stop doubting yourself! You got this!!!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash, where are you? Are you ok? You must be on one of those 2 day dates. Seriously, you doing ok? Keep us informed. We may be aged compare to you, but you have the heart and soul of a much older person. Keep strong, and love those children.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Thinking of you, Ash. Give us an update ok?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Hey Everyone,

Its just been a little crazy up here so I haven't been able to get on. My son is now running and starting to say a few words and devoleping quite a temper! My daughter is almost four months and she is starting to roll over. So between the both of them lately its been a little hectic.

Everything has been fine as far as things go. I have not heard from my H since Christmas day, no text no nothing. I did however receive a letter from my lawyer yesterday stating that he still has not received the divorce papers from my H, so he still hasn't signed them even though he told told me he would. Oh well we'll see.

I also received a letter from his grandparents house where he lives. It was from his Grandad. It was a christmas card and the grandad wrote me a little note in there just saying he hopes everything is ok and that he hopes C will get a job and take care of his responsibilities and that he loves me and prays for me. In the card was a check for _ dollars. I don't even want to cash it. Because I know its not from my ex, its from his Grandfather! I feel horrible. And the worst thing was? My H couldn't even sign the card. There was nothing in there from him no signiture no anything. How hard would it have been for him to pick up a damn pen and sign his damn name?! 

I'm having a bit of trouble with everything. I feel every night as if I'm praying the same prayer, just Lord help me be a better mother. I just really hate my situation right now and I know, know! its affecting how I am interacting with my children right now.

I was talking to one of my friends a little while ago and I was talking about my anger towards my children, and she said you wouldn't feel this anger if _ was still here. She's right the only reason I'm mad is because I'm a single mom and I absolutely hate it!! But enough of that you have all heard it before from me! Just wanted to let everyone know everything is ok up here in PA just some stress and I really really am feeling the weight of having no husband.

And how the hell you going to let your Grandfather send me a card an money and you don't do a damn thing! This man continues to blow my mind, and not in a good way.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Perhaps the Granddad did this on his own without your H knowing??

Cash the check Ash and spend it on your family. 

I know it's stressful Ash. Take some time for yourself, wherever you can grab it!

You H did this to you. Your children are innocent bystanders. Unite with them as they will be your best cheerleaders when they get older. You take care of them now and they will take care of you later-like in the granny stage!!!! ( I know many years to go)

Force yourself to have some downtime....I know it's not an easy thing to do.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Yep Ash spend the money and write his grandand a letter telling him what you did with it and how much you appreciated it.

Ash - you are a single mom - but don't slip into thinking that your life would be better with him in it - another man maybe - but not your h.

So you are learning fast how to be an independent mom....
skills you will need for the rest of your life 

CW is so so correct -
those little bundles of joy are going to be re-paying you in spades as they grow up
some of the things my kids do for me include
tell me I look great
hug me and tell me I am the best mom in the world
help me around the house
bring light energy and wonderfulness into the house....
all these are your rewards...soem of them you can't see yet - but they are coming -
you will be nothing less than a superstar in their eyes!!!!!!!!! and theirs is the only opinion you will care about -
ASH they are your family - 

I often think I am related to my kids - my h and I aren't related - 
very different indeed. 
get extra help wherever you can - family, friends etc, schedule some ASH time as CW says 
once again YOU ARE DOING GREAT _ it is just a busy time and exhausting time as a mom....
are there any single mom support groups in your area????


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

You CAN do this Ash and you will. But give yourself a break please! Do the best you can. Love your children. Take time for yourself when you can. And take any money given to you, without a thought.
Detach from your H. You and your children will be better off without him. I know you're scared and sometimes we fall on default thought/behaviors. But you CAN do this without your H. You can.
I can't remember if you are seeing a counselor?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Yes ash I agree with the others.. Spend the cash and thank him. You still need to do what's best for your family first and they need that. Remember he is still your family so if they want to help let them. I never say no to family that wants to help .


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Totally agree that you should cash that check, Ash.

Since your H isn't stepping up the plate in regards to your kids, his grandpa might be your only link. Maybe you can talk to him to help get your divorce going. Or if that's too awkward, you could always just become friends with him. He may end up being your children's only link to their father.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I am cashing the check and I wrote a thank you letter to the grandfather...whether he did this with or without my H's knowledge I don't know, I haven't heard from the man since Christmas day, an awful long time to go with not asking about your kids but hell what should I expect?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

what should you expect? more of the same -
at least you can predict him now 
it's a small blessing but it may come in handy in the future.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I'm leaving for my best friends wedding around two hours away. I'm so happy for her but at the same time its bittersweet. Most my friends are starting to get married, just starting to put together their families. Here I am the youngest of most of them and already feel like I've been to hell and back!! Oh well I guess its all how you look at it. I am excited, she deserves this. It just makes me sad to think of how hard I tried to have that to and I failed.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

it will be bittersweet Ash - just try and remember many more happy events for you in the future


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Even though they are just getting started, they will not be without the difficulties that go with marriage. It isn't a fairy tale. 

You know the work that it takes, Ash. You also know the mistakes that you made and what you will look for (different) in a mate. You are wise.

This will help guide you into the next healthy relationship. You just got an early start! Now...you can use your wisdom for a new life.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I think the action of failing is worse then it really ending. What I mean is how it looks has a way of making it worse then really getting divorced. i guess cause it looks like to others you couldn't keep your marriage you just have to remember it's not you it was him..


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I've missed all of you on here. Haven't been able to post as much due to everything being so busy up here for me nowadays. I really need to start coming on here more. It's strange but I find the days that I can make it on here to read and to post are better than the days I can't.

What's been going on...my lawyer sent me a letter saying that he still hasn't received the divorce papers from my ex, this was going back last week. I hadn't heard anything from my ex since Christmas day. Out of the blue today my mom asks me hey why don't you call C and see if he sent the paperwork. Right then I should have just said no, b/c it always pisses me off when anyone in my family even mentions his name bc then it gets me thinking about him. Also it has been very difficult living at home due to the fact I was extremely independent for the previous 5 years when I was in the miltary. I was like yea ok I'll call him. The thing is is I was hoping that he wouldn't pick up. I was giving him excuses in my head everyday that he didn't call like, he must be in jail (past due child support) or maybe he up and joined the military to get a job or maybe he is straighting his life out. Yea..........no. None of that was going on. He picked up and I asked if he sent the papers he said no but he has signed he just needed the lawyers address. I then asked him why the hell he hasn't texted or called for his kids in over three weeks and he said he got a new phone and lost all his numbers. I then asked him well how where you ever going to get in touch with me to find out about the kids? He said uh I was waiting for you to call. Are you ****ing serious!!!!!!!!! You have my email you have my address his sister his grandfather they both have my number. What the **** is this dude's problem. I'm getting so pissed! Here I was thinking oh maybe he isn't signing the papers bc he is doing something with his life and is going to prove all this stuff to me when now his ass been doing what he does and just waiting on me to call him. 

This man has royally ticked me off. And I'm pissed at my mom for even bringing his name up. And yes I know its not her fault at all she was just making conversation or something but I feel the need to direct my anger at someone b/c I am hot right now!!

Then asked him if he got a job. To which he answered no. I said we separated Feb 09 your telling me its almost feb 10 and you still haven't gotten a job? He said no. Which I know is a lie b/c when we first separated all the way up to Novemeber one of my problems was going on his myspace, which I absoltely don't do anymore, there is no point. But he would talk about work on there. About his jobs and the money he was earning.

I hate this man I really do. Bc right now I'm stuck. I really am. I was not cut out for motherhood at all, I'm not the type of woman that ppl will describe as having that motherhood "glow". Its a struggle every damn day and I have to do it by myself. Yes my family helps out BIG time but I still feel the full weight. Everytime the kids cry, which is quite often, i feel the pressure that I have to do something, and sometimes I just can't. Somedays I really feel like i've mentally checked out. Like right after I got off the phone with him I had to leave and drive off and smoke b/c I knew I would slam something throu a wall.

And everytime I lose it and yell at one of the kids I always got somebody right behind me saying don't yell at them its not there fault, they don't know whats going on. Yea well I know that but its not like I wanted this situation either.

I'm very angry right now if you can't tell and I needed to vent.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Oh and during our conversation not once did he ask about the kids.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash, just keep on doing what you've been doing. For your sanity I would assume your sperm donor doesn't care about you or the kids - not one iota. That will be his problem years from now when he realizes his error. Move on -- you know this sperm donor isn't good for you or the kids. 

You are a strong woman to admit your weaknesses regarding your kids. Just remember all mothers (I imagine) feel like they can't do anything right with a kid at these ages. It is tough, they seem demanding - just remember the times when you get to see their first smile -- how that made you feel. I know those moments are few and far between now -- but they grow as your kids do. 

You aren't alone. It is ok to rely on others -- that is what life is about relying on others in your time of need and helping others in their time. Don't be hard on yourself regarding that -- be thankful there are people that care enough. That love you enough -- because they think you are great.

Keep strong. Peace.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash,
I am going to speak plainly to you -
1. Listen to FA about ex, This is the best way to understand him. 
2. YOU - I think you need a plan to move yourself out of your current living situation and I'll tell you why.
3. At the moment you are both relying on your family to help you with parenting the kids and becoming resentful of it.
4. You need to find your strength and your role as mother. 
5. You will only do this when you are parenting independently from them. With their help. But still independently.
6. You know you shouldn't yell at your kids - you don't need anyone to tell you that. 
7. BUt hearing your family tell you that makes you angry at them and then feel bad about yourself
8. It is very difficult parenting kids of this age and alone I can't imagine - but YOU - this is what YOU need to do now.
9. And you need to find young women in 'like' siutations to support you with what you are going through.
10. The longer you go on imagining ex will be doing something wonderful in his absence the longer you are in limbo.
11. I have said this before and I know the reality of your living situation - but can you find a local support group?

Be gentle with those kids and be gentle with yourself...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with K...your parents are supportive and that's great. They can be supportive from afar.

Expect nothing from your sperm donor. That way you won't be let down.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Ash, I would not expect anything from this man. He sounds like he has a severe case of the "lazies" just like my ex. 

Someday he'll want a relationship with his children and I doubt they'll give this "stranger" a minute of their time. They will admire you so much for going through this rough time. 

I can relate to your living situation as I am living with my parents too. For the last 6 years I've been living on my own in a different state. To say it has been an adjustment is an understatement. Although I can't thank my parents enough for all they have done. But at times it gets to be a bit much. Sometimes I feel like they want to know every detail of my life and divorce and I don't feel like talking about it. Other times I like that I always have people to talk to.

It's difficult. Hang in there!


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Sending you e-hugs, Ash. I wish I knew the answers and how to help. I'm here.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thanks everyone for all your words, it's appreciated.

It is difficult for me to accept how one can not care for his/her children. These children weren't the result of some random hook-up either, although our marriage was only for a few years and was not that great it was a marriage nonetheless and these kids came from that. It hurts.

You are all correct about how it would be good for me to get my own place, however that is financially not possible at the moment. I am currently on a waiting list for help with housing, hopefully I won't have much longer to wait.

I am still going to school but I dropped a few classes and am only taking two and they are the easier ones.

I hope things look up for me and my kids as well. I do love them, I love them to pieces!! But the "rewarding" moments right now are far and few inbetween and that does make it difficult.

I keep going back to that conversation we had on the phone a few days ago and I just remember how he sounded, so angry, very much sounding like a man who wanted nothing more than to get me off the phone.

CW, K, and FA- yes you are all correct in calling him a sperm donor and telling me not to expect anything, that way it won't hurt when he doesn't come through. Much much much easier said than done.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey Ash,
gradually things will sort themselves out for you.
Bit by bit.
I know you loved him and were true.
That's what hurts.
Hope the housing turns up sooner rather than later.
How are the kids this week?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thanks K.

The kids are doing well, my son is getting his molars in and has discovered how to climb the stairs all at 14 months!! He is keeping me busy.

My daughter is rolling over now and is cutting her first tooth, so between both of them teething it is a little hard right now.

But I am proud of both of them they definetly keep me on my toes!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Those teeth! nothing but trouble - both my boys knocked their front ones out at different stages....
and now I am looking around for an orthodontist for braces!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

My first day of classes today. Felt very out of place there, I think I was the oldest one in both of my classes! It felt awkward. Its been awhile since I have been around so many people my age or younger, and it also made me realize how much has changed about me since H.S.

I got home and I checked my email. I received an email from my ex SIL. She said that she wants to continue to get pictures of the kids.

Here's my question to all of you...do I have an obligation to send her some? I rarely hear from her, probably even less than I do from my ex-H. I'm also wondering if my ex asked her to ask me for pictures only so he doesn't have to do it himself.

I know its a petty thing and I guess if I would just ignore her request I would be doing it more out of angry, but my main theory is is that no body from his family (maybe with the exception of the grandfather) really gives a damn about my kids. I hear from one of them once in a blue moon and when I mean blue moon I mean once every 3 or 4 months.

Should I send him and his family pictures at their request when they aren't helping me out at all?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash,

Here is my take. Yes they don't help out -- I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree -- but you don't know what they've been told by sperm donor. And he does have kids with other women so I'm not sure they could help anyway.

But they are your children's relatives, and wouldn't you want to have pics if the roles were reversed. Just my thoughts.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Could be a genuine desire to reach out to you 
these are your kids relatives - and sometimes they end up being invaluable- in the future etc. 
I'd definitely do this and if she has kids ask for her to send some in return - 
no need for weekly updates - twice a year if you are up to it -
I don't see any reason for her to reach out if she is not genuine...


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I agree with FA and K.
As for you and school Ash, I think you are an inspiration. I'm a lot older than you and I just haven't mustered up enough nerve to even apply.

You deserve this!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thanks Wren.

K, FA, Wren- I think my biggest hurdle right now is my anger towards all of them. Your right though sending her pictures once in awhile should be done on my part. Its just a hurtful reminder in a way of what I lost.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: I am so glad you modified your college...that was a great idea!

As far as sending pics. You do what you want to do and have time for....I don't see any harm. Maybe she's seeking a connection with them or maybe she's blowing smoke. Nevertheless, you do what you want. There is no right or wrong. You are a busy mama!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

A very draining week.

I have been having quite a few ups and downs emotionally lately. A lot of crying in the shower at night when I go to bed and when I wake up. I know it is normal to have setbacks but March 1st will have been a year and I'm at the point where I'm angry now not only at my ex but at myself!! I really had thought that by now I would have it more together but if anything everything is even more out of control.

The demands of my kids has gotten a little tougher as my son is now in his toddlers years and my little girl has regressed to no longer sleeping through the night, between work and school it has gotten hard but if I'm still I find myself just thinking of him.

Today I was just crying and I even reached for the phone to call him and say I will move back to Texas if you just give us another shot. Financially I'm taking a toll not to mention even mentally. I didn't call, thank goodness, b/c I know that would not have helped anything, even made it worse. But I feel stuck, as if i'm the one thats holding myself back from moving on but then I think to myself I have nothing to move on to! When I wake up in the morning there is nothing in the day that I look forward to. I go through the motions for my kids and I try so hard to be patient and I am getting better, even getting on the floor and playing with my son, but the crying has gotten even worse. 

I won't talk about it with anyone b/c I am honestly disgusted with myself at this point.

A year later and I am still making excuses for him. It's been 3 weeks since I have heard anything from him. He still hasn't signed the divorce papers so I have given that up. 

My dad asked me awhile ago why I would even want to go back to him or what do I think my life would be like if I had stayed with him.

Miserable yes, but I feel its no better now.

I used to be a very strong independent individual who had no problem making split second decisions. I used to be a wonderful driven nurse who did amazing things during my time in the service. Now I feel washed up and its a struggle to even move. Dramatic? It is, and I hate it, thats why I won't mention my grief to anyone b/c they (as I do too) probably feel that its time for me to get over it.

Yesterday I was going to email him and apologize for everything that I had done to him. I have the mindset now that it is all my fault and if I had been a better wife we would still be together and my children would have their father. 

It's a horrible place to be right now and simply put I feel stuck with my wheels spinning.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you been to a doctor yet for antidepressants? It's often recommended that people in your situation take them for at least 6 months to a year, just to get their brain jumpstarted into producing the 'happy' chemicals again, after such a shock. You really really sound like you need some, just for a little while.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Ash, I was thinking the same thing re: the anti-dep. And if you'd rather not take them, you might consider looking into the natural supplements Sam-E and/or 5-HTP.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I would be very uncomfortable taking any medication. I believe that their are some cases where medication is necessary, however I believe that I should be able to handle this on my own like so many others have. Most ppl would probably not look at me diferently or even know, but I would and since I'm the one that I answer to now I can't do something at the moment at least that I am uncomfortable with. 

I agree with both of you it does sound like some type of depression but I need to find another way other than medication to help me along.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash,

You are a strong person and you can get through this. But I've learned through my experience in this is that it is okay to reach out to others for help. It makes you stronger. As Clint Eastwood said "A man's got to know his limitations". It doesn't make you weak to seek out help from friends and family. I realize now that that is the most important thing in life - friends and family.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

FA is right Ash! Reach out and get help. Look for the counselor or minister and talk it out! You need someone to confide in...

Ash I am sure you made some bad decisions. Add that to the "I am human" column. You are not at fault for this marriage breakdown. There is NOTHING that you can do to change him or make him want a family life with you. Look at his track record. 

You are in pain and blaming yourself won't help your situation and will make it worse. Get some help Ash....it will be the best thing you can do for you and the kids! I will pray for you to gain peace.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My therapist explained it this way: Your brain naturally produces a chemical to make you feel happy; it is replenished by having good things happen. When you are under stress, you are pulling from that vat, but you're not adding any back in. Eventually, it runs dry; you've been so unhappy for so long, it's simply dried out. Taking an antidepressant does nothing more than search out that part of the brain, find the 'happy' chemical place, and start producing it. It helps you 'realize' that you can be happy again. Once you do that, feel better, you start producing your OWN chemicals. It really is no different from taking antiobiotics or any other medicine.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Hey Everyone,

Updates: Not a whole lot going on, just really trying to spend time with my children and focus on being a mom, which is an everyday prayer for me. I did receive a text from my H last Saturday saying he was going to try to come up here to finally "meet" the kids. A week later I still havent responded. Part of me feels guilty bc he is the father, but a father doesn't send a text message every few weeks and doesn't help take care of the kids so I don't feel too bad. He also still hasn't signed the divorce papers so I'm a little ticked about that.

K: I sent an email back to my SIL with pictures of the kids and asking for some pictures of hers and wrote a nice (short, to the point message) about 2 weeks ago, have received no response. I put her now in the same boat as my H. They only send me a text or email when they think of my kids which is every few weeks or so.

Went to Domestic Relations b/c its been almost a year since I filed for Child support and haven't even received a court date. PA told me TX isn't cooperating and their is nothing they can do. I keep going though.

School is ok, not to much that I can't handle it I have just never been good at school so its a struggle but I had a serious chat with myself and I know now I need to pursue my RN (I'm an LPN). It may not be my dream job but hey what other job can you work 3 days a week and get paid good money full-time?

I went to a divorce support group last monday and I cried. I was the youngest one there and all these people around me were saying how their husband left them for woman my age! A little awkward. Everyone says oh your young you'll find someone else. True, but it's still painful and it still hurts to know that if I do someone else will be raising my kids with me, not their father (ok, sperm doner). Hard pill to swallow sometimes.

Haven't really been seeing anyone socially as I have been working and going to school and being with my kids. Going out on a date Tuesday...and while I won't go into detail I think I'm going to take a step forward that night. I know a lot of you will probably say wait until you feel ready but a part of me is thinking that I just need to do this (protected obviously) so that I can get over that physical hurdle. I know my thinking seems a little twisted but I think that maybe if I do this it might put me mentally a little more distanced from my H. I'm not looking for anything serious and he is aware so we shall see. Either way it will be awkward I'm sure.


Ash22


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash hey there...I've missed you 
I tend to agree with some other posters have said - you need some support to get through this stage - that could be counseling and some drugs - or it could just be counseling - 
you are punishing yourself - thinking punishing thoughts 
you need to look after your very lovey self -
you are a strong woman Ash....
we believe in you and I know that you are going to make it - 
many of us here know what it is like to get into those very dark places - and -
you do need to take measures to manage this -
tiredness will be a contributing factor in your case - do you know that sleep deprivation causes the same symptoms as depression?
talk it out with your doctor and yes find a counselor - 
keep us posted 
K


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And what happens if you sleep with this date and once he gets what he wants, never calls you again? You'll blame yourself. You don't need more of that right now. At LEAST wait til a second or third date, ok?


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I would rather he didn't call!! Just kidding...I see your point Turnera, although I don't have any feelings for this man. However it is something that I am more than likely not going to do just throwing it out there.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash,

Keep going strong. You are right a father who hasn't seen his kids doesn't send a text message. Now you are starting to understand the difference between a sperm donor and a true father.

The choice of doing something with this man is yours, but I recommend not doing anything with him. You are doing great on your own -- you might not think you are, but you are.

And I would help out if I lived close by.

Keep running and get back to the 6 week program. I'll be doing exhaustion tests tonight.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I am happy that you found a support group. It's usually a good place to find folks that you can relate to...even if you're the youngster. 

I'm glad school is thumping along. Nursing is a good profession for a single mom. A neighborhood mom has raised her 4 kids as a nurse. Yes, she was single the majority of the time. She remarried a few year ago but 2 kids have left the nest. 

Be careful with jumping into a sexual relationship.....you are a smart girl but that satisfaction will last a short time. The after effects are what can hurt. You don't need anymore hurt-Ash. 

Also, here a link to the Texas Attorney General which oversees the child support division Texas Attorney General

Maybe a direct call may gain you some information. 

Ash....you are doing it! You are moving forward.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

You are moving, onward and upward Ash!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Ash I can relate to your thinking regarding your date and taking the next step. 

In the back of my head I sometimes think that if I just "hooked up" with someone, I could further detach from my ex. I often wonder how I'll ever be able to move past my ex and have that level of intimacy with someone else. Sometimes I think having casual sex would solve this problem easier than creating a meaningful relationship with someone. 

Although, guys aren't exactly beating down the door to date me so I can't test this theory. And I'm not sure if I want to really. Plus I've decided that I won't date until my divorce is final. 

I also think the lack of male companionship has caused a great deal of self esteem issues. I've noticed that I'm more aware of my weight and appearance. I constantly feel sub par.

Just want you know I have the same thoughts but no answers.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

hooking up with someone will undoubtedly help with stuff - but it could also bring a wave of unexpected emotions - 
hey you will both know when the time is right -
be gentle with yourselves both of you -
everyone heals different ways ....


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: I know what you mean regarding the feelings of self esteem issues. I think it's important to know that guys, for the most part, like to see confidence. 
I'm by now means perfect for 44 years! I am darn scared to be vunerable again...

However, we have all lived through some difficult times. We need to be kind to ourselves at this point. When it comes time to be vunerable again....we need to do it with someone that is trustworthy and encourages are confidence.

That is what I keep playing in my head!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

CW: How do you build confidence when the person you loved and trusted dumps you for a younger woman? 

This is my issue.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You feel sorry for them.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls 
am in the same boat and believe me I am way older and more wrinkly than you! my H's love interest is 15 years younger than me!
I don't know sometimes it scares me....
but I try not to compare myself to her 
I was that age once and she will be older sometime..
it really means nothing
attractiveness does sit hand in hand with confidence -
you are confident about your work aren't you 
why not focus yourself around this aspect of yourself -
be sexy through the ideas and ways that you present yourself at work -
build on this 
dress well 
make up - 
know that you look good....
and with looking good you will feel good....
I don't know but I saw the first episode of "the good wife" the other night and she said
wear make -up , put on nice clothes - you won't feel like it but it's the superficial things that matter at these times -"

I liked this! 

remember that you are beautiful and strong and capable of loving deeply.....
that's the truth...
he is shallow, weak and incapable of committing ...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Great post knortoh! Nice ideas...

Whatever the reason our H's left-younger women; more fun; unhappiness. It was about them. 

We have to "TELL" ourselves that we are worthwhile...even though we feel tossed aside. I have felt this way-tossed. It's not us....it's not us...it's not us....(repeat)


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Its my birthday today. I feel old now, turning the big 23!!! (just kidding everyone!!)

Not going to really do anything today a few of my friends want to take me out but it will wait until the end of the month as one just had a baby girl!! I'm so happy for her and a little jealous in a way. I see them in the hospital her with her husband and him holding his d just a few hours old. I didn't have my H when I had my little girl and here she is turning 5 months old and has never even been seen by him. Sad, but very happy for my friend.

This weekend was rough, my H texted me again asking about the kids and this time I relented and actually texted back a reply. I then asked if he sent the divorce papers and he said no he's just not sure about anything, that it doesn't make sense. I replied saying this is a black and white divorce, I am not asking for any type of settlement. He then said he would send it.

It tears me to pieces to ask for something that I do not want at all!! March 1st will have been a year since I have even seen him yet I still have these emotions for him. I was driving in my truck on my way back from work listening to a cd he had given me last year. I sent him a text saying just that to which he said yea i remember that. 

I miss this man so much I really do, and its hard to let go. I know I have to but saying it is so much easier. 

Its simply crazy to ask for a divorce, to be the one that files and to remind him to send the papers when I'm not even the one that wants it, but I don't see any other options.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Guess my name should be Ash23 now, since obviously I'm not that creative and the 22 stood for my age!! Oh well, I'll just keep pretending I'm 22...haha.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Hello old girl!! lol

Happy Birthday to you...dear Ash! Your are one awesome mama!!!

I know you miss what happiness that you had with your H. You miss the longing from the picture that you had, in your head, and how families should be...

However, obviously he's just not capable of much. He doesn't take care of any of his kids. He doesn't work. He doesn't send cards/presents/or anything.

Keep up the moving on...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Happy Happy birthday Ash -
have fun with your girlfriends when they take you out -
remember how great you are and what a superb life you are going to have.....


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Have a question for all of you...I have been contemplating moving back to Texas.

I realize that my ex husband doesn't really do anything for my kids now doesn't support them doesnt call, I do know however if I lived in Texas he would see them a lot. Im not banking on him helping out financially but he did say if I moved to Texas he would watch the kids while I worked and whenever I needed him too. 

I just feel that I am in a way keeping my kids from their father. Texas to PA-no short inexpensive trip. 

Obviously this isn't something that I am going to be making a quick decision on. If I was to go down there it would have to wait until the end of May when I'm done with my semester. I would have a place down there as his grandad has a house on his property he would rent to me for a mininal amount, I would have my husband to be "the babysitter" the only thing I would need is a job which as a nurse it may take a little while but I don't forsee not finding a job. 

Things are just not getting better up here. And I'm not going with the mindset of getting back with him, its just I cannot live with my parents much longer however the rent on the east coast is ridiculous!! And I'm not really able to go anywhere b/c I feel so guilty asking my parents to watch my kids as they already watch them when I go to work. Idea's thoughts input whatever you have...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash,

First and foremost you need to do what you believe is in the best interest of yourself and your kids. This is a tough one though.

There are/could be benefits to the move. I would suggest writing down the pros and cons of going and of staying. The one thing that concerns me though is that you are going down there on "his word" that he would watch the kids when you need that. And by his actions over the last few years we all know what that is worth absolutely nothing. So even though you struggle with being with your parents -- you know that they will do what they say. As for feeling bad -- you need to talk with your parents about how they feel. Don't hold it in and begin to resent them and yourself for the situation.

Just my .02 cents.

Peace.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

FA: Good advice.

Ash: Put yourself in the scenario. You move to Texas and he doesn't participate at all. Where does that leave you? 

Then, may sure (double sure) that you aren't relocating in hopes of making a connection with him. Sometimes, we still have hope...even if it's waaaaaay in the bottom of our hearts.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I read through all your responses, thank you, and I have been rethinking my decision.

I also must confess that I was not completely honest in it either. I am about to make a true confession and I really hope none of you slam me to the floor for this...even though at times I hate myself.

I have been posting quite a lot about how difficult it is for me being a mom. That is putting it lightly. I hate it. I hate it so much. I love my children but everyday I find myself wishing their were someone else's kids bc I cannot give them anything. I never wanted to be a mom just months months! before I got married I swore to myself that I would never have a child. Now I have two and no husband. I feel horrible b/c I know none absolutely none of this is their fault that in a sense "i made my bed now i need to lay in it". But I didn't know it would be like this I didn't know that I would not have a husband.

I feel like I am missing out on so much. Everytime I leave the house its a process that sometimes takes up to an hour. My son is now a year and a half and is throwing tempers every 15 minutes or so. I can't go out with my friends and I have a great job but as I've said before nursing is not my dream job however I'm, back in school to get my RN only b/c I know that's the best job to support two kids on. 

But I'm tired and worn out. I go to bed every night dreading the next day I have nothing to look forward to. I just want a "normal" 23 year old's life. I want to go out at night without feeling quilty. 

That's the main reason I had been debating about going back to Texas, only so I could get a break from my kids. I just don't know how to be a mom and I feel like I've lost my identity in a sense now. People no longer see me as A- they see me as a mom.

I feel horrible for saying all these things- I really do. I love my children but most times I feel that they would have been better off with another mother.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash,

I know you might not believe this now, but you "aren't missing much". Sure it is fun being out single without a care in the world I did that for a long time. And yes sometimes I was dating someone, but there were many times when I went to sleep by myself. I will admit when still with my w -- i would sometimes just watch her sleep thinking wow this is the greatest thing in the world. I still do that with my son. He loves me unconditionally -- no matter what.

I realize it is hard right now to see that through all the things you are going through. But YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER. You are going through everything every other mother I know (who is honest) has thought and gone through at one time or another at your children's ages - no matter how old the mother at that point.

I guess I'm just here to let you know (a) you aren't a bad mother saying those things, (b) in a couple years you'll understand what I mean when the diapers, formula, etc. are part of it, and (c) that when they say "mommy, I love you" it will be the most priceless thing you'll ever know.

I'm here for you. PM me if you need. And remember, nursing doesn't have to be a life time choice -- just the one for now.

Peace for you.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: Is there any family...his/yours that can step in for support?

I am going to be forward. I want to support but I also want to think about your options.
You can either put your kids up for adoption and live the life as you planned. Or....give up your "normal" idea for being a 23 year old. 
There isn't a right or wrong here....just choices. It would be a heavy soul searching thing for you and much easier for me to post and "suggest." Please forgive me, if I offend, but sometimes these things cannot be said in any "right" way. 
You will eventually have time to go out with friends and such, it will be just a bit later on. Sometimes, allowing ourselves to change the way we want to see things and doing what we need to do is challenging in itself. Right now..you need to be present with your kids. Finding help....dropping school (at this time)....having alone time.....cooperative babysitting....
It's common to feel that you identity is lost...hell I just found mine at 44! You will just have an opportunity to gain it back earlier!!!

FA: Your post was nice.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

You didn't offend not at all Corpus. I have thought about how it would be better to just adopt my kids out or to send them to Texas to live with their dad but I know the minute I would do that I would regret it and I would then feel like a failure. I just hate my life right now. I know life never goes as planned I just feel like I am no where near where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do and I just don't forsee myself every being in the position to do those things that I wanted. It's hard to even say all these things. I cried to my dad last night, he didn't know what to say just kinda patted my back (neither of us is very good at expressing ourselves), but I guess he told my mom and she just looks at me with disgust and I always have hated asking her for help with them now I don't even want to ask her at all.

FA- your post was nice it actually made me cry! it ment a llot a post I'm sure I will be reading again and again. I think I have found my online father!!!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash, I'm not that old. I'm not your online father. Just a friend who wants to share life experiences. Plus I'm angling for a good Philly Cheesesteak -- come on smile on that one. They don't understand putting Cheeze Whiz on them down here -- they put --- no they dont -- yes they do provolone.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Ash-I'm 26 and when my daughter was first born(she's 2), H was always working and we had absolutely no friends or family around. I HATED my life because in all honesty I had never even held a baby let alone cared for one by myself! I had no idea how to do anything involving a baby. I would look at myself sometimes in the mirror and just cry because I was so frustrated and disgusted at the choices I had made.
In all honesty, I can't remember what changed in me but I can distinctly remember when my daughter looked at me and called me "Mommy" and I could see the helplessness in her eyes...I let the life I had wanted so badly, go. This was my life, this little being was in my care for the rest of my life. 

Do you think part of it is that maybe you are just so stressed out? I can't imagine how tough it must be to be raising two children alone, let alone everything else. I admire your strength.
Like FA said, I think all women have these thoughts at one point or another.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash, and they don't put mayo on it either. And they call it a philly cheesesteak!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Ash22 said:


> I love my children but everyday I find myself wishing their were someone else's kids bc I cannot give them anything.


You're giving them YOU - your love, your support. If they could speak they would tell you what you are already doing is enough. That they couldn't ask for anything more.



Ash22 said:


> I can't go out with my friends and I have a great job but as I've said before nursing is not my dream job however I'm, back in school to get my RN only b/c I know that's the best job to support two kids on.


I made the same choice back in college. I always wanted to teach but I knew I couldn't support a family on those wages. I made the choice to change my major and work in the computer industry - it was a good choice. A job is just a means to an end. IMHO it's not your identity.



Ash22 said:


> I love my children but most times I feel that they would have been better off with another mother.


It saddens me to read this. Have you seen anyone about possibly being checked for postpartum depression? I might be stretching it, but it wouldn't hurt to ask your doctor. I have read your posts and I think you are a wonderful example for your children and a great mom to them too.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

FA- snow or no snow your right- at least I can go get a real philly cheese steak when I want one!! Hey, I hope you know I wasn't calling you old! Your not old!. You want to know what's funny? I don't know what any of you look like..you, CW, K, lost, help, Deejo so on and so forth but I have put celebrities faces to all of your names, if nothing more than for laughs.

FA- Matthew McConaughey
CW- Eva Longria
k- Nicole Kidman ( I guess its the whole Australian thing)
Deejo- Colin Ferrall

Oh I have more I should start a thread on what I think you all look like. LH obviously I knew what he looked like b/c of his avatar. I miss that guy hope he's ok.

Whattodo- Thanks, you gave me hope in your post ( I may need some reminding from you from time to time) It just is hard b/c I see/ hear my friends all planning to go out after work what they are going to do for the weekend and I wish it was me. And while my daughter is easy going my son is a complete handfull and then some so I feel bad asking my parents to watch them (more so him) as he takes his toll on whoever happens to be there.

Help- Thanks for your words. Your right things will probably change once we can all communicate with each other. It's hard taking care of a baby and a young toddler and to not get any response in return. As far as PPD? I actually was diagnosed with it after my daughter was born but I refused to be put on anything. I am firmly against putting myself on medication. I know it has benefits, I know for some people that is the best route to go, however its my personal opinion that it is not for me.

Again thanks to everyone, this is definetly not going to be something that heals over nights-thanks for bearing with me.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

CW-Eva Longoria...she's actually from my city! Anyway...I'd kill for her looks!

PPD: Even if meds aren't the way to go. Keep an open mind...it doesnt' mean you are on them for the rest of your life. Just until you transition back to your own biological/hormonal self!!!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash,

Is it Geno's philly cheesesteak? Matthew -- heck i need to do more push ups and a heck of a lot more ab work. I thank you for thinking of me that way --- now you can laugh.

Just keep your chin up and be good to yourself. WE ARE HERE for you.

When you need a break -- always welcome here. Our snow melts a day after the storm.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash: If you do come to Texas....I'd love to visit with you and the kiddos. Take em to the beach and you could relax...I'd be the babysitter for sure!!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey Ash - how did you guess that I am a dead ringer for Nicole????? I am so glad that you chose someone glamorous for me - you could have gone for the crocodile guy...
I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling -
you do have choices as CW says we always have choices - they are painful ones sometimes though...
FA is also correct - kids pay you back in ways that are unimaginable 
I know that you are 23 - but in so many ways you are way more mature than many 23 year old's 
you are also smart.

I think you know that - and guess what 23 is just an age - it doesn't mean anything...just like for CW and I 44 is just an age - 

although society would like us to believe that fun is the domain of the under 25's only - it aint true 
if you want further evidence just look at the 'fun' CW is having at present.....

I know that you find this hard to imagine - ( and this is only because you haven't been an adult for long enough to understand time in this way) but your kids will be grown up and relatively independent and you will still be YOUNG! amazing....your life is not over - it is only beginning.

I think all you need at the moment ASH is a little patience...and kindness and gentleness with yourself and your little ones - 

I am so sorry you are having these thoughts - but they are only thoughts - YOU ARE DOING IT - and it is ok.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Hey Everyone

Been busy up here. The weather has been nice for the East Coast so I've been taking advantage of it.

FA- I ditched the program. (Again, lol) Its not for me I guess only b/c I would beat myself up if I didn't do what was scheduled for that day. I'm up to running 2 1/2 miles every morning and I jump rope (good work out!) and I do my own regiment of p/u and s/u. Its working out.

Will be moving out of my parents house within the month. Excited but nervous, mostly for financial reasons. I have saved up quite a bit thou.

Still no word from my H. No divorce papers signed, no child support. I'm gathering that when the parents live in two separate states, the system all but pushes you out of the way.

No big changes in the social life yet. Haven't really met anyone. Still talk to that one guy but he has gathered that I don't really like him (in a romantic type way) so we only really talk occasionally. 

Funny story. I did go out with a guy that I really was attracted to but...ok I dressed real pretty and it involved seven inch heels. Well by the end of the night and as we were on our way to a second place my feet just out of no where started killing me! We were walking up to the door of the second place when out of no where I started tripping. Not just like a little trip but a very long continous trip that involved him having to catch me. Lol, it was not done on pupose. Anyone ever seen Good Luck Chuck? Yea thats me the hot girl always tripping! oh well

Hope everything is going well for all of you out there. Will keep you posted.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Nice upbeat post Ash! I think you're incredible...just incredible!

I laughed with your story of tripping all over..during your date!

My first date with F...I noticed that I had my shirt on backwards! Well, actually before I arrived I noticed but didn't have time to stop at a restroom until our date place. Anyway, you really couldn't tell but the tag was bugging my chest. 

I sat down and laughed "I'm not sure if I should tell you this..." He's looking "as I was driving here I noticed that my shirt's on backwards!" He started laughing and said "you really can't tell." I said "well, maybe not but psychologically the tag is about to burn a hole in my chest!" What a way to start the date!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ash, that's ok about the program. You're doing what is good for you. And it sounds like you've got everything under control.

Seven inch heels -- how the heck could you walk in those? It must have been a spectacle to see your five minute trip. It certainly breaks the ice. Sounds like you are starting to enjoy life.


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