# My 19 year old daughter is sleeping with married men.



## sarahtitch64

I am really worried about my daughter, she was abused by my eldest daughters fiance when she was 14 for a year, no one had any idea and when it all came out the whole family was torn apart. He was very manipulative and controlling and groomed her, took away all her innocence. It took about 2 years for things to become normal (as they can be) again and after counselling she seemed to be doing OK, she went to college, got her first job etc.

Its just ever since turning 18 she has started sleeping around a lot. Mainly with married men, I know this because she's quite open about it, she is also on dating sites and meets up with men for sex. She has told me before it doesn't bother her that they are married as they are the ones with commitments not her and she has nothing to lose. She likes older men, in their 30-40s and has told me she has slept with a 46 year old before. I have never seen her with boys her own age.

I am so worried because one day she is going to get in trouble. She just can't see that sleeping with married men is wrong, well she does but she doesn't care, she used to be a sweet shy girl before the abuse. I don't know what else to do i have told her what she does is wrong, I've also tried to get her back into counselling but she won't. I am wondering is it the abuse that has made her like this? Or am i just making excuses for her unacceptable behaviour? She has little friends, and soon she will start getting a bad name for herself where we live. She's not a bad teenager, she works, helps the round the house and is polite, she doesn't give me any grief and keeps herself to herself. Its just her attitude with this situation what I cannot understand, I didn't bring my children up to act this way.

What do I do, let her get on with it? She is an adult and its her personal life, but I still see her as my baby and still feel she needs looking after. I'm also worried about health risks, I've found numerous pregnancy tests so she's obviously not being careful and really don't want her catching a nasty disease. Or end up being pregnant with a married mans child. I've tried talking, and telling her its wrong and what she is doing is out of order. She just doesn't care, she is becoming very selfish .
Just really looking for advice on how to handle the situation, there's not much I can do, but it wouldn't feel right sitting back and watching her potentially ruin a family. I feel almost to blame as thought I had brought my children up with good morals and values but obviously I've done something wrong. Thanks


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## LoveAtDaisys

Wow. I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP.

I'm guessing she lives in your house still? If so, I think I would put my foot down. I know you love her, and let her know that, but tell her that she is an adult now and if she is going to choose to make these decisions you cannot and do not support, she cannot live in your house. It's easy if you have younger children in the house - tell her that you don't want them exposed to that sort of behavior. If not, then simply you do not want to be involved (which is your right).

I don't know that I'd say "stop sleeping with married men"; you're right, she's an adult. She can make destructive decisions if she wants. But the implication in above is pretty clear: if she continues to sleep with married men she needs to find a new home.

If she chooses to stay, and to change, you're right, she really needs intensive IC and possibly even medication.


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## Mavash.

This is my sister's story. She slept with 100's of men, got pregnant, a few std's and nothing I or my parents said made a darn bit of difference.

Eventually she grew up and quit this behavior in her 30's.

She even got fired from one of her jobs because she was sleeping with the boss. They both got let go.


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## larry.gray

Uh huh. My sister too...

Fortunately she found a good man who could overlook her past when she grew out of it.


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## mablenc

I would try to see if she could start counseling again, what happens to her abuser? And how did your other daughter react? Maybe there are some lose ends that are stalling the healing process.


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## tom67

Offer your daughter counseling if she says no, tell her you love her but you are not going to watch this destructive behavior and you are giving her a month or two to move out. It's tough love but necessary in this case jmo. I hope the older d dropped the fiance.


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## sarahtitch64

Thanks for the advice. I really don't think I would be able to tell her to move out, I know I should put my foot down and although she is 19 I still see her as quite vulnerable and would never forgive myself if she ended up in a dangerous situation. She has nowhere else to go, so I don't know what she would do. And I think if I kicked her out, she would be worse, dont think it would help her in anyway and that is what I'm trying to do. 

I've really tried pushing counselling again, she won't budge. Says that she doesn't need it and is over everything that's happened, which I don't believe. She used to take anti depressants and has come off them too. I guess there's no helping her? Hopefully she will come to her senses and realise what she is doing is not good. I really don't know what else I can do. 

Yes other daughter bf gone. Police were involved and he did a runner. No one has heard from him since the whole thing. Other daughter had a hard time with it all, as expected. Turned to drink and drugs and is only just getting her life back on track. Also had counselling. She had a child with him so makes it very difficult for her being a single mother. She really supported sister when she found out, they are really close. She has tried talking but she won't listen to her either. :-(((
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

19 contrary to your belief is an adult. The longer you enable the longer the behavior will continue.

My sister left home at 18 and that forced her to grow up and fast.

Had she stayed at home with my parents I don't think anything would have changed.


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## EleGirl

If it was my child? I'd find out who the man was and how to contact his wife. Then i'd give evidence of the affair... anonymously. If this keeps happeneing to her and the guys keep dumping her when their wife finds out about the affair, her own pain will teach her the lesson that cheating hurts everyone.

Right now it's a game for her that makes her feel good. Some married guy is choosing to disrespect his wife and love your daughter. This proves to your daughter that he's better, more beautiful, more desirable than the wife.

This way she will be in your home when the sh!t hits the fan and you can help her though her own pain.


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## Mavash.

Ele dang straight I'd be telling the OM's wife. My house my rules.


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## john117

Anyone who feels 18-19 is an adult needs a reality check. In Europe it is not unusual for kids to live with their parents for much later and I think it helps in many instances...

My older girl turns 21 next week and has a few more years to go before adulthood. The younger one can't drive yet but is an adult in terms of maturity. So there's a wide spread between people..

To OP's original issue I would make frequent competent therapy mandatory for any continuing stay at home. Also, I would try to get her in a situation where nearly everyone around her is same age ie college full time. Allowing her to continue what she's doing is a non starter.

You two also want to talk about why she's doing it, tho the answer is obvious - to get back at adult males and try to negate her previous experiences... Is she receiving any special emotional or material consideration from them or its simply hooking up? What is she getting out of it?


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## anja

What part of Europe do you live in? In the 4 European countries I have lived and worked in (Germany, Switzerland, UK and France), it is common to leave your parents house around 18/19. I left at 16.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117

From the non so enlightened part of Europe 

The countries listed have good safety nets, but many other countries don't.


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## FourtyPlus

I moved out when I was 17 because I had to make room for my Mom's boyfriend. I didn't think it was alright and it wasn't "good" for me. My best friends lived at home until she was 25. For the rest of the people I knew back then (Germany) it's about 50/50.

My 16 year old does want to move out when she's 18 but she also doesn't mind staying with us until after college.

We don't stop being her parents on her 18th birthday and I do not expect her to be a 100 % matured adult just because she turned 18. Our parenting isn't going to stop all the sudden. It might become less.


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## Anon Pink

Can you insist on effective birth control? Can you sit her down and educate her about HPV, HIV, and all the other STI's? This may mean you have to read a whole lot yourself to be absolutely current and correct because a kid like this will jump on any BS the second it leaves your mouth.

Her values were destroyed along with her innocence. They will come back in time. I see this behavior as both acting out her anger and also fooling herself into thinking she is just fine because she can have sex with me and it doesn't bother her. There is nothing you can say or do that will change her mind, but you can give her the tools to ensure she stays healthy enough, long enough to actually heal.


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## Bobby5000

Your daughter is very disturbed and has a poor self-image. Because this first sexual episode was wrong and manipulative, she gravitates to unapproachable men so she does not become emotionally involved. Have you disclosed what this first boy did to her.


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## DobermanLove

OP you said you won't kick her out, so you are enabling her behavior in a way. If she gets herself into a dangerous situation (which is unlikely but your worried because your her mother, natural) than maybe that is the way she will have to learn. At a certain point you need to start holding your daughter accountable for her actions, she is no longer 14. Her problems are no longer your problems; she is an adult after all. I doubt she would have all this free time to "date" married men if she had to support herself financially. What happened to her when she was 14 was horrible, I have a sister who will be turning 16 this weekend get involved with some pervert who was 24. She realizes it was a mistake and he took advantage of her, but even at 16 she understands she will be held responsible for her actions as she ages and matures, and especially as an adult. You are doing more damage coddling her than you are helping. Love her enough to let her go make her way in the world as an adult, and have to deal with adult consequences.


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## turnera

Sorry, but if my daughter was doing that while living with me, she would either be following my rules (therapy, birth control, etc.) or she WOULD be out on the streets. And that would be for HER own good. Mothers who say 'oh, I can't let her leave, I'll worry about her, I'll just let her stay here and destroy her life. At least I won't feel guilty' are NOT doing their daughter any good.

She NEEDS to feel the hardship of her bad choices now, before it becomes ingrained in her, so she just might stop and think about what she's doing. A few nights getting kicked out of a man's car or hotel room or getting screamed at by a pissed off wife just might do her some good and wake her up. 

Stop coddling.


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## BrockLanders

DobermanLove said:


> OP you said you won't kick her out, so you are enabling her behavior in a way. If she gets herself into a dangerous situation (which is unlikely but your worried because your her mother, natural) than maybe that is the way she will have to learn. At a certain point you need to start holding your daughter accountable for her actions, she is no longer 14. Her problems are no longer your problems; she is an adult after all. I doubt she would have all this free time to "date" married men if she had to support herself financially. What happened to her when she was 14 was horrible, I have a sister who will be turning 16 this weekend get involved with some pervert who was 24. She realizes it was a mistake and he took advantage of her, but even at 16 she understands she will be held responsible for her actions as she ages and matures, and especially as an adult. You are doing more damage coddling her than you are helping. Love her enough to let her go make her way in the world as an adult, and have to deal with adult consequences.


I agree with this 100%.

I also disagree with people who believe in this protracted adolescence that ends at 30. Children will perform according to expectations. I have ancestors who at 19 were married with kids and went on a boat across an ocean in a completely different country. Water finds its own level, people do too when allowed to. 

If you live in my house, you follow my rules. It's that simple. One of my rules is you can't prance around banging married men for sport. If you don't like it, there's the door.


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## Moulin

Unless there are harsh consequences, she will continue. Make it clear this cannot continue or she will be out. Period.


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## RandomDude

Jebus... hell if my daughter grows up and does that I don't know what I'm going to do, either than hunting those men down one by one which would be guaranteed.

Must be tough mate =/


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## turnera

Going to the other extreme doesn't work, either. My super religious friend put bars on the windows - to keep the daughter from leaving at night! They were so strict that she ended up running away with a guy, and another 20 years of mistakes just in retaliation for the strictness (which we tried to warn them about). 

The real answer is to treat her like the adult she thinks she is - these are my rules, if you don't like them, go live somewhere else. No skin off my nose (even if you don't really believe that, she needs to believe it).


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## sarahtitch64

Why are you all having a personal dig at me? I know what she is doing is wrong, I came here for advice. I'm not comfortable with kicking her out the house. She has a job and pays half of everything. Its just me and her in the house, seems unfair as she pays her way and is respectful to me in the house. I just needed advice on what to do on this situation. Obviously nothing as she is her own person and she can do as she pleases. Nothing i nor anyone else says/does is going to change that.


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## turnera

We ARE giving you advice. Our _unanimous_ advice is that you should not be condoning what she does by allowing her to do it from your home as her base. Tell her she's free to be a homewrecker from somewhere else.

You aren't 'comfortable?' How comfortable are you going to be when she gets beaten up or extorted or threatened?

What you are saying translates to this: you want what you want (to live with your girl) but you want to change her choices. And you can't. All you can do is show some boundaries and consequences for her doing something you disapprove of. I'll bet if she got arrested, you'd rush to bail her out, too? NEITHER thing - condoning this or bailing her out - would be for HER own good, but for your own.

She needs you to be a mother and show her a moral compass to follow. So she can learn from you. The longer you condone this, the more engrained it becomes in her, which is doing nothing but guaranteeing that SHE will have a lifetime of misery (if not worse). But, hey! you still get to live with your daughter there, right?


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## sarahtitch64

Yes because you know everything I am feeling and what i want


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## mablenc

Why are you so defensive? You got great advice you don't want to follow it but that's your choice. As parents we need to to what's best for our children so they can be good and productive members of society. She's an adult so you can't force her to do anything but you do have a lot of power if she lives with you. You are allowing her to get hurt, hurt others by not drawing the line. You should kick her out and have her live the consequences of the choices she is making. By cuddling her you are only destroying the chances she has to get better. 

She needs therapy, you are only pushing her to more distructive behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

mablenc said:


> Why are you so defensive? You got great advice you don't want to follow it but that's your choice. As parents we need to to what's best for our children so they can be good and productive members of society. She's an adult so you can't force her to do anything but you do have a lot of power if she lives with you. You are allowing her to get hurt, hurt others by not drawing the line. You should kick her out and have her live the consequences of the choices she is making. By cuddling her you are only destroying the chances she has to get better.
> 
> She needs therapy, you are only pushing her to more distructive behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is only enabling her bad behavior if she wants to continue this lifestyle tell her to do it elsewhere. If she wants help that's one thing but if she doesn't she has to go.


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## LoveAtDaisys

Sarah, we all want to help you. We're not attempting to attack you, and if anything I wrote came across as offensive it was not my intent at all.

I know you don't want to be the "mean mom". No parent wants to. But when she was a kid, when she did something inappropriate you spanked her or put her in time-out or grounded her right?

This is the "adult" equivalent of a grounding.


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## Trickster

sarahtitch64 said:


> Why are you all having a personal dig at me? I know what she is doing is wrong, I came here for advice. I'm not comfortable with kicking her out the house. She has a job and pays half of everything. Its just me and her in the house, seems unfair as she pays her way and is respectful to me in the house. I just needed advice on what to do on this situation. Obviously nothing as she is her own person and she can do as she pleases. Nothing i nor anyone else says/does is going to change that.


Before I was 18, I did some stupid stuff and got in trouble. On my 18th b-day, my Dad laid down the law. On top of that, he wanted me to pay rent, follow the new rules and if I didn't like it, I could move out. It was the Summer before my senior year in H.S. So Me being an idiot, I chose to get out.

I moved in with a co-worker. I still went to school because I had to prove myself. Eventually, I got arrested for public intoxication trying to break in to somebodies house. I don't remember doing that. My Dad left me in jail. I called the Dad of a friend of mine and he bailed me out. Life was hard, but I graduated and got a construction job. I went in the military 9 months later.

I never liked what my Dad did to me. Looking back, It may have been the best thing. He was a horrible role model and my step mom wanted us kids out anyway. I learned independence and responsibility at an early age.

No parent wants to kick their children out. I just happen to give my Dad plenty of reasons to kick me out. I was so stubborn back then and still am today.

It's called tough love. How many times have you told your kids..." this is going to hurt me more than it does you". This may be one of those times.

We can't force anybody to do what they don't want to do. 

"My house, my rules". I hated that when my Dad told me that.


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## DobermanLove

sarahtitch64, I'm confused did you make this thread so you could be given yes man answers? You asked for advice and advice is what you received. This is not a personal attack, I stand by what I said. So she's 19 and paying half the rent, sounds like your just going to have to suck it up then unless one of you is going to move out.


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## Unique Username

She doesn't feel any ramifications to any of her bad behaviors.
Why would she change?


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## Moulin

sarahtitch64 said:


> Why are you all having a personal dig at me? I know what she is doing is wrong, I came here for advice. I'm not comfortable with kicking her out the house. She has a job and pays half of everything. Its just me and her in the house, seems unfair as she pays her way and is respectful to me in the house. I just needed advice on what to do on this situation. Obviously nothing as she is her own person and she can do as she pleases. Nothing i nor anyone else says/does is going to change that.


So, were you just looking for people on a site dedicated to marriage to give soft and easy answers on dealing with behavior that is destructive to other people's marriages?

Even if she's paying her way, I would be unable to accept that type of behavior. I would be giving her a 30 day notice to move out. Obviously, you don't feel the same.

I wish you luck. Your daughter has some serious issues and it appears you are willing to enable her.


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## aeasty

just putting it out there its seems to be a bit of a complex she has developed from the abuse I'm no doctor but if she is repeating this behaviour of sleeping with married men its much like the same situation with her sisters boyfriend she may not admit it but it seems like she likes the attention of an already committed spouse, because after all they are risking it all to be with her.

I would say until she gets more IC or the police actually catch up the ex she will continue regardless of what you say or do and kicking her out will just push her deeper into the habit.


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## nogutsnoglory

sarahtitch64 said:


> Why are you all having a personal dig at me? I know what she is doing is wrong, I came here for advice. I'm not comfortable with kicking her out the house. She has a job and pays half of everything. Its just me and her in the house, seems unfair as she pays her way and is respectful to me in the house. I just needed advice on what to do on this situation. Obviously nothing as she is her own person and she can do as she pleases. Nothing i nor anyone else says/does is going to change that.


If you are not willing to give her any consequences then there is no reason for change
Make no mistake, a day of consequence will come.
Either you do it or it will happen in the form of rape, death, std, unwanted pregnancy, or a scorned wife at your door with a picture of your daughter in one hand and a handgun in the other.
You care about her but appear unwilling to do anything that would be considered hard to do
This sends a message to her that she can do what she wants and that message is coming from you and IS your fault
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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