# Moving forward...



## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

It hurts, but it has to be done. 

I'm moving back home from Canada to the U.S. I don't think she saw this coming. I told her yesterday to her face why. 

Neither of us can move forward like this. I told her if she feels this is beyond repair, then I can't stay here. She was my reason for coming here. That reason is gone, and everything is a reminder right now. I can't heal. I can't deal. 

We found a lot of wrongs in the past month and a half. Wrongs on both ends. We both do have a lot of growing up to do. 

But nothing prepared me for hearing this...

Me: "I want you to know that when you said you had dreams I didn't want a hand in, that was never true."

Her: "I know. But all the jobs are in Toronto, and you didn't want to live there."

Me: "Just because I didn't want to live somewhere doesn't mean that I didn't support you. We even talked about moving to Hamilton, it would have been a happy medium."

Her: "It would have been a happy medium, except that it was me commuting to Toronto for a career and you commuting here for a JOB".

....ouch. 

Me: "That job put food in your stomach. Kept a roof over our heads. I did what I had to do to survive."

After a long pause, she said "....I'm sorry".

I told her that I'm unhappy here. My family is back home in the U.S. My heart was breaking as I told her this. I said to her that I sacrificed so much for her, to leave my family and friends behind and start anew, to start a new life with her. 

I even went as far as to put my own dreams on hold for her so that she could finish school before I started. And it's like instead of appreciating that fact, I got kicked while I was down. 

Her reaction to my news wasn't exactly surprising...she lost it. Broke down crying hard. But she said that I deserve a chance to be happy.

I told her that if she does find somebody else, that I hope they love her as much as I do. 

And we kissed. 

I'm moving back home next Friday. It's probably permanent. But I told her that I'd love to visit here sometime. She seemed to agree. 

I told her I wanted my first trip back up here to be for her college graduation, to which she responded, "...do you think that's too soon?"

Too soon? A big, important milestone for her, why wouldn't I want to be there...? Anybody with some thoughts on THAT statement, please feel free to enlighten me. 

Either way, I've truly let go. I will always love her. She will always love me. Maybe we'll find each other again. Who knows.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Man, it breaks my heart to see a bond get destroyed over something seemingly so trivial.

She shouldn't even have second thoughts about changing her selfish plans if you're not happy with them.

She doesn't love you enough man. If she does, she doesn't know it yet.

Get away and let her feel your absence. I expect her to not survive the void. Your conversation with her tells me she doesn't know what you really mean to her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> I told her I wanted my first trip back up here to be for her college graduation, to which she responded, "...do you think that's too soon?"


Sky,

That's all you need to know.

I'm sorry bro.

IF you want a shot with her, you absolutely have to move, go completely NC, and build your own life.

Her additional comment about your "job" and her "career" certainly puts you in your place as well.

That kind of crap has to be completely wiped away before any true partnership develops.

Try to forget you know her. Next move (if any) belongs to her.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Deleted.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

I also put my career on hold so she could go to college and stayed with our son. The story repeats itself again and again. I think the love is not the same.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Put yourself on hold and she loses respect for you.

Same story, different chapter.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Deleted.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm going to challenge you on this.

From where I sit, her emphasis on the word "career" (when referring to her) and "job" when referring to you doesn't track with the rosy brush you're painting.

It's called contempt.

I'll leave you alone now.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Agree with Conrad. Sounds like she was trying to put you down.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Deleted.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

God help me....what am I saying...................

- Constant attention-seeking on her behalf
- Refusal to go on medication
- Complained about "not being able to see people" when she was completely able to
- No respect for ANYBODY'S schedule or timings(I lost my job because of this)
- Stay up until 3-4AM, sleep until 11
- Expected me to always be the one to cook
- Expects people to reach out to her while she does nothing of the sort for herself
- Empty compliments to the point where I don't know what to believe
- Refusal to get a job because she was a "full-time" student at 2-4 hours a day at class
- Constant blaming of others in conflicts
- No respect for my feelings after certain events in my life
- "I'm (insert anxious/depressed here)" but refused to talk
- When told I was staying up here, said "Thank GOD, I thought I'd never see you again!"
- Tells me now that she doesn't know what she'll do without me
- Flipped out over not being able to see cats after she ran out
- Stuck me with all the responsibilities
- STILL has her stuff here after ONE MONTH of seperation
- Never cleaned, rarely cooked, expected me to do it all
- Constant "forgetfulness" about important things
- "Our anniversary is just a day to me"(said constantly)
- Never attempted to initiate ANYTHING in the relationship
- Projects her beliefs over social media networks to validate herself
- Always said "I don't know how to be a good wife"
- Seemingly withheld sex with every excuse in the book
- Never enjoyed being around my family, always sat in the corner
- Told me I was doing a "bang-up job" with my changes in my life
- Tells me not to hold on to false hope, even though it's being dangled
- Continually had the "our money" term, with zero contribution
- Quit her job after 2 weeks, week 2 was after she left
- Constantly calls herself a "loser" because she lives with her parents(I turned around and told her that she isn't without a second thought)
- Endless running back to her parents for EVERYTHING
- Her "career", my "job", even though I was waiting for her education to finish so that I could start mine
- Nothing done was ever good enough, thank-yous seemed empty
- Wanted to go on dates, but then nothing changed once we got home
- Never did household chores(this one alone really messed with me)
- Says that she's changing her life for the better, but has yet to do anything
- Mixed stories(what she tells me differs from what she tells others)
- Refusal to grab her posessions herself, usually has her (ONE) friend with her


.........excuse me while I go and give myself a concussion.....I've never been a doormat for ANYBODY........until now...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sky,

Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy by Robert Glover?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

SkyHigh,

Read both the links in my signature. You may not extract all that's needed from them right now, but it will get you on the right path.

In the next few weeks you will want to revisit the articles over and over until you actually understand every single sentence and how it pertains to your life (not just marriage).

You also MUST read Conrad's suggested book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover.

You've got work to do, and I can promise you one thing: By the time you're in the 4th or 5th gear on your path to recovery you will feel like the happiest you have ever felt. Your wife may or may not choose to grow up. That's not your concern right now. The concern is you and you only.

Start reading and feeling. Have some tissue handy. You'll need it.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Well, gentlemen....that's our mistake in a nutshell, on the TWO of us. 

I had a toxic love to be needed, as did she. No wonder things progressed the way it did. 

Ugh....I feel sick to my stomach. But that just made this so much easier. 

The move comes up on Saturday. I'll be heading home to rebuild the life I should have had instead of being a caretaker. We both get it, now. That's why letting go of this marriage is going to be hard, but will get easier with time. 

I told her that it was like a death. And I'm not good with death. Never have been. She wasn't, either. But she said it's the death of a hurtful relationship. Not the death of us. 

We have learning experiences to take in, as well as how to and NOT to treat people, as well as each other. We CAN be friends. We were exceptionally close for years. I don't think anything can and will change that, regardless of what we've gone through. 

I'm staying single for a good long while. I have issues to sort out. I have a career I deserve to start. I have an education that I want. I have a personal dream to fulfill. This is my fresh start.

And in a sense, this is OUR start. For ourselves. NOW there's some peace. 

I guess there's a quote, now. "Whatever happens, I will handle it" that I should start living by. 

Move back home is a good start. After that, a job. Counseling to fix my issues and my own severely diminished self-worth. Staying on my meds. Getting my own place. Turning my life around. Schooling. And then, my career. 

Balls to the wall. Here we go.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>Counseling to fix my issues and my own severely diminished self-worth.<<

Amen brother.

Keep us posted.

http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I will. You guys have been great to me, and this is nowhere near my final post here. 

I intend to keep posting even when I'm back home in New Jersey. 

Here's a recent log of our texts to each other today. 

Me: By the way, I have a confession.
I never looked at this outcome as a death. And I've never been good with that.

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Death of jobs, friendships, and even this marriage. I think that's why I lost it. And the damage we did to each other is done. And I can't move forward consumed by it. 

Her: Oh, I see. That's a hard thing to do, though. But there really is no "death" between us as far as I'm concerned.

Me: All the reminders, all the contempt, I started to erase it. But then I noticed that erasing you isn't my answer.

Her: I can't erase you. It's just not possible.

Me: I can erase a bad chapter in our lives. And it's hard now because of the circumstances. But to forget you ever existed is impossible. This is going to be one emotional farewell.

Her: Yeah. We need to learn from our experiences. We can't do that if we pretend they didn't happen. I can't say I'm looking forward to you leaving. There's still so many places I wanted to take you.

Me: You still can. In time. I never said I wasn't going to visit.

Her: I know. And I look forward to it. 

Me: I can't just cut you(the person) out. I never could. And I'll look forward to seeing you again. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I keep thinking that this was a mistake. But it wasn't.

Her: (regarding the absence comment) Indeed it does. And there's always Skype.

Me: I gave you a piece of me that nobody ever had.

Her: As did I.

Me: I know you did. There were times we both should have tried harder. Collectively and seperately. So now...we start a new relationship with each other. The one that always worked.

Her: Yeah.  It's still going to be tough to not have you around, though. 

Me: I know. I feel the same. You know....ever feel that you "love to be needed"?

Her: Yep. What's important is to remember to love ourselves, too.

Me: Yeah. Let's make sure we both do just that. That was my mistake, too. It nearly crushed me.

Her: Yeah. We really DID sabotage ourselves individually.

Me: Yeah...for what it's worth, the day you said "don't leave me" was the day I began holding everything in. It's like we stopped being ourselves, and instead we were (names omitted)'s husband and wife.

Her: Yeah....

Me: ....ugh. Rofl. Right people, wrong time?

Her: I don't know. 

Me: Ditto....

And a snippet from last night. Reading this over made my eyes water, and probably did hers. But it was needed.

Her: I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without you. 

Me: For what it's worth, I will miss you, too. This was very hard to do. But I have to. Please understand. I love you with all my heart. But I can't live like this. The uncertainty is just too much. 

Her: I think you're doing great. You're such an amazing person. I understand why you have to go. 

Me: This isn't goodbye. We need this to heal. Otherwise, I will keep hurting you. You will keep hurting me. 


This week is going to be hard on the two of us, for sure. We'll both be alright. And when I'm home, we'll stay in contact. I know I can heal from this. I hope she finds it in herself to, as well.


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