# Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room



## sadbehappy (Jan 4, 2013)

A few days ago my wife confessed to me that she had a sexual encounter with my best friend while on a trip. She told me that they kissed and touched for over 2 hours in the next room. She claims that he didn't penetrate her with his penis, but he did use the finger, I don't know if its true or not, and frankly I don't think it matters.

A little background. I have never been over jealous, I do believe in a more open relationship but this seems like betrayal. I feel like a total idiot.

A bit more background. I have cheated on my wife with a prostitute and she found out, that was about a year before the incident with my best friend. I understand that I hurt her and that she wants to get even with me, in fact I have never been too jealous and wouldn't care that much if it was a one night stand with a stranger. But what tore me apart was way she/they did it. I feel completely betrayed and used. 

I want to get over this, but I don't know if I can trust her again. I think this is the worst thing that she could ever do to me. 

I feel like I lost both, my wife and my best friend.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Have you confronted your friend?

When did this happen?

Why do you think it was a revenge affair?

Did your wife express remorse, or was she rubbing your nose in it?

How do you know she is telling the truth?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Been married long?

Kids?

Did she say why she did it? Or why she confessed?

Oh, what she did was horrible - your "friend" too. But she could have done worse. Much worse.

Are you both committed to each other or just kinda like fwb but married?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

sadbehappy said:


> A little background. I have never been over jealous, I do believe in a more open relationship but this seems like betrayal. I feel like a total idiot.
> .
> .
> .
> I feel like I lost both, my wife and my best friend.


Everyone thinks they can redefine male/female relationships. That _they_ can be adult about these silly little male female relationship things.

They are wrong.

Her selection of targets...or the fidelity of your friend means that yes, it's pretty much over as far as at least one of your relationships.

If one is forced to grade things, what you did was on a slightly less awful scale than what she did...this is not a compliment, though I understand those who feel otherwise. She directly went to shatter your relationship. And he let her for some finger banging.

Rethink everything and out your friend for the wonderful human being he is to your mutual friends. However, out him to the WIVES. They have much less of a sense of humor about their husbands hanging around a gentleman who thinks this is acceptable behavior.


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## sadbehappy (Jan 4, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Have you confronted your friend?
> 
> When did this happen?
> 
> ...


I haven't confronted my friend, as he lives in another country and this is something I'd rather do face to face. Not sure if I can do it over the phone...

It happened almost 3 years ago.

She told me it was out of revenge, but she also said that she did "kinda liked him". I believe her, but what I don't know is if that was the only time they did it. They had plenty of opportunities to do it multiple times, when my "friend" was still living in the country and even during that same trip, so it seems unlikely it happened only once. How can I get the truth out of her?

She says that she's sorry, and I can see that she is, but I'm not exactly sure what she is sorry about. It almost seems like she expected a different reaction from me, and she is sorry that she told me.


We've been together 9, married 8 years. We have an overall good conventional (not an open one) relationship.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

sadbehappy said:


> A few days ago my wife confessed to me that she had a sexual encounter with my best friend while on a trip. She told me that they kissed and touched for over 2 hours in the next room. She claims that he didn't penetrate her with his penis, but he did use the finger, I don't know if its true or not, and frankly I don't think it matters.
> 
> A little background. I have never been over jealous, I do believe in a more open relationship but this seems like betrayal. I feel like a total idiot.
> 
> ...


Can I infer from "open relationship" that you don't actually have a problem with extramarital activity, so long as you're kept informed?

Oh, and if you think for a minute that, to get revenge for you screwing a prostitute, that your wife and your friend stopped and third base and didn't go home, I've got a bridge to sell you.


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## sadbehappy (Jan 4, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Been married long?
> 
> Kids?
> 
> ...


We've been in a stable monogamous relationship. Been married for 8 years, but we leaved together for a year before that, so it's been 9 years. We don't have any kids, because we wanted to have some financial stability before jumping into that.

The reason she confessed, she say, is because I deserve to know what kind of friend he is, not acknowledging that she is just as good or even worst than him. Not sure if its denial, or she has no morals. I'm confused.


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## sadbehappy (Jan 4, 2013)

JMGrey said:


> Can I infer from "open relationship" that you don't actually have a problem with extramarital activity, so long as you're kept informed?
> 
> Oh, and if you think for a minute that, to get revenge for you screwing a prostitute, that your wife and your friend stopped and third base and didn't go home, I've got a bridge to sell you.


Open, as in open to discussion, meaning that if she has a fantasy of some sort, she tells me, but not actually doing anything as far as I know. We discussed doing some trios or stuff like that, but never serious enough to actually try it, just talking. 

As far as having problems with her some random guy, I think I wouldn't. 

I don't think they stopped at third base either.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

sadbehappy said:


> Open, as in open to discussion, meaning that if she has a fantasy of some sort, she tells me, but not actually doing anything as far as I know. We discussed doing some trios or stuff like that, but never serious enough to actually try it, just talking.
> 
> As far as having problems with her some random guy, I think I wouldn't.
> 
> I don't think they stopped at third base either.


Are you saying that she admitted to having sexual fantasies involving men that weren't you? Even people that you knew? If so, was that before or after your own infidelity, and did you and she actively cultivate that fantasy, as in roleplay?


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## sadbehappy (Jan 4, 2013)

JMGrey said:


> Are you saying that she admitted to having sexual fantasies involving men that weren't you? Even people that you knew? If so, was that before or after your own infidelity, and did you and she actively cultivate that fantasy, as in roleplay?


Not people that I knew, but she did fantasize with other man, IMO that's natural. 

What bothers me is that she and my "fried" screwed in the room next to mine, while I was asleep, and made a secret out of it for 3 years. That for me is pure betrayal from both of them, I don't see any other way of putting it.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

sadbehappy said:


> Not people that I knew, but she did fantasize with other man, IMO that's natural.
> 
> What bothers me is that she and my "fried" screwed in the room next to mine, while I was asleep, and made a secret out of it for 3 years. That for me is pure betrayal from both of them, I don't see any other way of putting it.


Sorry, but that's crap. If you believe that fantasizing sexually about people other than your spouse is normal then why should you be surprised when that fantasy is externalized? This may burst your bubble, mate, but the whole affair fantasy/roleplay nonsense is just an affair bicycle with training wheels. You just seem to be pissed that your wife took them off, even though you did the same thing. Now, normally I would never make the case that revenge cheating is okay, but it seems that idea of extracurricular activities was an encouraged part of your sexual dynamic. Well, your wife basically saw enough ballgames on television and decided she wanted to take the field. This is yours and your wife's doing, and coming here talking about having an affair fantasies is a slap in the face to every person, man and woman, that's suffered the pain of an adulterous partner.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

sadbehappy said:


> A few days ago my wife confessed to me that she had a sexual encounter with my best friend while on a trip. She told me that they kissed and touched for over 2 hours in the next room. She claims that he didn't penetrate her with his penis, but he did use the finger, I don't know if its true or not, and frankly I don't think it matters.
> 
> A little background. I have never been over jealous, I do believe in a more open relationship but this seems like betrayal. I feel like a total idiot.
> 
> ...


This all sounds like one big train wreck and your marriage is a total disaster in my opinion, so if I were you I would distance myself from the whole thing and move away and start over somewhere.


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## sadbehappy (Jan 4, 2013)

I do love her, and willing to work things out. I just don't know how to trust her anymore. I think we might still have a shot at this. I'll try, she seems committed too. But not sure if it'll work at the end...


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

polygraph


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Your wife got her revenge by f$%king your "Best Friend". you opened pandora's box by sleeping with a prostitute and putting her health at risk as well. Two wrongs don't make a right. Working it out with your wife is up to you.

Your so called best friend needs a stiff punch to the face. A true best friend would put her [email protected]@ on the spot by stopping her advances as soon as he felt something wasn't right and tell you about it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So what were you fighting about that she brought this up? What triggered this revelation? Warning you about this friend? Ha! Is he making advances for an encore?

How did you react? How did she expect you to react?

How has your sex life after you 'went pro' and how was it after she put the horns on you?

I'm almost thinking she is ready to start breeding with you. I wouldn't.

Do not cry in front of her. Do not beg. Do not appear willing to put this behind you. Stand back, aloof and decide if you want 18 years of child support payments with a woman who could ruin her marriage and your friendship over a fit of pique.

And for the record, while I think fantasizing about other strangers is normal, your whole 'oh..._I'm_ an evolved open minded non-jealous human being' makes you a first rate idiot. How are you feeling about that philosophy now? Why are you jealous? Why are you hurt? She's an adult obeying her natural impulses...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I would go through all your photos and every one with your ex BF, I would make my wife cut up and put it in a fed ex mailer and send it to the bastard. Let her know exactly what she did.

I'd also inform her 'Well...since I haven't been trolling Amsterdam's streets, but YOU have frequently been alone with this POS (be descriptive of his character), I see that i have no choice but to assume every time you COULD fvck him, you DID fvck him. Otherwise why keep it secret for three years unless you wanted a repeat performance? I have to assume the worst."


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

1. You both cheated on each other.

2. You both still love each other.

3. You both want to attempt reconciliation.

4. You *both* have trust issues with each other.

You sound like a forgiving fellow.

IMO, the two of you can get past this. Read through the reconciliation threads and see how others have done it.

You'll both need counselling, both individual and marriage.

With time, the trust issues will improve, but you will never fully trust each other. Transparency and honesty from both of you from here on out is uber important. No passwords on your phones, emails, FB, etc. The only privacy is in the bathroom. All else is secrecy.

No Girls Night Outs, no Boys Night Outs. 

Recommit to each other and renew your relationship.


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## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

Both the wife and best friend would have to exit my life. Neither has shown themselves to be trustworthy.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

MysteryMan1 said:


> Both the wife and best friend would have to exit my life. Neither has shown themselves to be trustworthy.


At the very least him. ANY contact between him and her would...should result in a speedy exit.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Why cant you ask her to take a polygraph? Ask for it and see her reaction. It can give you an an answer.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Not sure why cheating with a prostitute is materially 'better' than 'heavy petting' with a close friend.

(Not that either is good ... just saying)


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Rags said:


> Not sure why cheating with a prostitute is materially 'better' than 'heavy petting' with a close friend.
> 
> (Not that either is good ... just saying)


From what I've managed to decipher, it's not so much the physical affair that bothered him, it's that she chose someone close to both of them.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Rags said:


> Not sure why cheating with a prostitute is materially 'better' than 'heavy petting' with a close friend.
> 
> (Not that either is good ... just saying)


It is hard to believe it stopped at heavy petting for one.

For another, she has an emotional attachment to that guy by dint of constant and frequently alone contact. Does anyone believe that the OP is going to go searching out to hook up with that specific prostitute again? The friend is HER friend too...and seemingly a lot closer to her than to him.

He has automatically lost a friend by her actions.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sadbehappy said:


> The reason she confessed, she say, is because I deserve to know what kind of friend he is, not acknowledging that she is just as good or even worst than him. Not sure if its denial, or she has no morals. I'm confused.


Something is wrong with this picture. 

If it was predicated on something like a huge investment you were about to make with him and this affair plus other inside dope she had (generally something a mistress has insight on) was a means of protecting you from a big mistake... then that makes sense.

Out of the blue when he's so distant - that speaks to a different reason, especially since she isn't acknowledging her own infidelity as a reason for divulging. 

Something is missing here.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Something is wrong with this picture.
> 
> If it was predicated on something like a huge investment you were about to make with him and this affair plus other inside dope she had (generally something a mistress has insight on) was a means of protecting you from a big mistake... then that makes sense.
> 
> ...


Agree. Dig.


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## sadbehappy (Jan 4, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Something is wrong with this picture.
> 
> If it was predicated on something like a huge investment you were about to make with him and this affair plus other inside dope she had (generally something a mistress has insight on) was a means of protecting you from a big mistake... then that makes sense.
> 
> ...


Just to make matters clear, and I'm sorry I should have brought this up before. At that particular time we weren't exactly well as a couple, mostly due to my mother in law staying with us for extended periods of time. It is during those visits that she changed, it is like she became a completely different person. That caused a lot of grief and we grew very distant at that point. We talked about separation a few times, but none of us would want that, we felt we still loved each other.

Before that we had a perfect relationship. She is a very kind person, at least was when her mother is not around. It took time for her to accept that that was the problem, but she finally did. 

When I say extended I mean 8 to 10 months btw. It wasn't a week or a month. So obviously I was very angry that she would ignore me completely for all that time, and it was then when I wen't with the prostitute. We still had sex, but it was not close at all, it seemed like she just wanted to get off, I was very hurt. 

Whenever her mom would not be around us she would go back to her normal self, and our relationship would recover more or less to the point it was before.

When this incident happened, I didn't think we were that low at all, we both thought, at least in spoken words that it was getting better.

That particular night we wen't out for a few drinks, I never saw any indications of her being over affectionate or throwing her self into his arms at any point. Nothing. We we're all quite drunk that night, I'm not sure if he planned to get us (or me) drunk, or it just happened, bottom line is that we were. 

Now according to her account, I woke her up in the middle of the night because I was snoring heavily, something that I do when I'm drunk, she went to the bathroom and is then when they guy approached her and started kissing, she says she didn't really knew what was happening at the beginning, but obviously whatever it was she was up for it.

Now, I have all her passwords (she never kept them secret), I wen't through all her emails and Facebook posts, skype, IM, everything - she had never contacted him directly. He did leave a few innocuous comments in facebook under a few pics of her alone or both of us together, but that is about it. I have also installed a keylogger and other tracking software on her laptop. Long story short I didn't find any direct contacts. The three of us met several times after that incident, but they we're never alone, so I know, to the extent that it is possible, that she wasn't with him. Prior contact to that incident would only be possible before we started dating or the first two years, as he left the country after that. I also told her to contact the guy and tell him that she came out clean on this matter, she agreed to do it as soon as possible (she has just undergone surgery, so she need to recover...)

Right now, for the past year and a half, before she told me obviously, we were going through the best time in our relationship. The only thing I can think of that triggered her to confess, is the surgery she had today (it wasn't major, bust she did go under general anesthesia, etc...), maybe she was scarred that something would happen to her, and I would never know the truth about this "friend". 

All in all she insists that it was only that one time. She was vulnerable and drunk and did it mostly out of revenge.

I will see how she reacts, I'll monitor her closely for the next few months, I will also make sure that she does tell they guy that I know.

Please do tell me if I am being a moron, but I am inclined to believe her.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Part of the problem I see is your feeling that you going to a prostitute, and thereby exposing yourself and ultimately your wife to the possibility of deadly STD's is not as bad as her having sex with a friend, which is still, but exponentially less, risky.

She forgave you. You should forgive her and drop the holier-than-thou attitude.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Part of the problem I see is your feeling that you going to a prostitute, and thereby exposing yourself and ultimately your wife to the possibility of deadly STD's is not as bad as her having sex with a friend, which is still, but exponentially less, risky.
> 
> She forgave you. You should forgive her and drop the holier-than-thou attitude.


Holier then thou? He hasn't come across like that. In fact, he's come across as pretty weak.

Look...say he killed her cousin in a fight he started. Didn't mean to kill him but he DID start the fight. The response is not that she gets to whack his mother. Forgive or don't forgive. Revenge is not an answer. She felt it necessary to get revenge AND hold it over his head unknowing, her dirty little gloating secret. Is that how he handled his affair? Is this the ONLY man she's been with?

Maybe I'm biased because I'm a man. He made a mistake and was honest. She went out of her way to do this and hid it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Didn't get past the first page

She cuckholded you for the time your friend was still "in country"

She went OUT OF HER WAY to hurt you on this one. If she jst wanted revenge, she would have done it with a stranger or a male escort. She reached as far as she could to destroy. Why would you even CONSIDET starting a family with someone like this?

Don't get me wrong, you're not an innocent victim here but her willingness to rachet this up to the next level is scary. If she were my wife, I'd sleep with one eye open!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I for one do not think you're a moron.

If all you say is true then she probably did have a "deathbed confession" moment. 

Your plan of continued monitoring for a period of time is sound. Tell her today you want to see the NC note before it is sent. Then do not mention the NC note for a week or two. See if SHE brings it up. If she is truely penitant and remoreseful she will.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Time to polygraph WW. Is OM married or steady GF, time to expose the affair to them.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't think she should ever contact him again. You should contact him and ask a few leading questions. See how much more you can learn.

Just in case there is more. Thinking a person has no time to cheat turns up here all the time. People can be places they are not supposed to be and no one is the wiser. 

There is also a possibility this never happened and he knows something she doesn't want him to tell you.

Then tell him to never ever contact you or her again.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Drop the friend. He should be out of both of your lives. For good. You cheated, you got cheated on....now you both know how bad it hurts! Work together to get your marriage back.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

JCD said:


> Holier then thou? He hasn't come across like that. In fact, he's come across as pretty weak.


From OP's post:

"I think this is the worst thing that she could ever do to me"

Sorry, but thinking that cheating with a friend is worse than possibly killing her with an STD is pretty much "holier-than-thou" in my books.


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## sadbehappy (Jan 4, 2013)

Sadly there is another twist to the story. 

Yesterday I saw her chatting on facebook. I sat next to her and logged in with her account without her knowing and read the conversation in real time. She was chatting with a friend (guy) that she met when she went abroad to visit her mom and get some experience in her field, because she couldn't get a job or internship over here. The guys she was talking with was the one that offered a position at his firm. It didn't look suspicious until he started saying that its a pity that she doesn't go there for a longer time and that he enjoyed her company a lot, blah, blah, blah... That set me off a little bit but I wasn't ready to confront her yet, a few minutes later he brought up something that confirmed my suspicions. She had just visited her mom again, a few months back, this was the second time she went there in the time we've been together, and she brought back something, a present, that she said it was from her cousin (a female). So here I am reading a message that basically says,

- Have you been using what I gave you? (he said exactly what it was, so no doubts there)
- No, I never got it working, 
- Pity, I gave it to you with all my heart

WHAT???? WTF? She said she got it from her cousin. Long story short, I confronted her. Sure enough she denied everything, until I started packing my bags, ready to leave the house (we rent an appt, so no biggie). She saw that I wasn't kidding and confessed that she had a one night stand with this guy. It is a really fishy story, something about him being drunk, and both her cousin and her taking care of him util he got better. She also said, that the tree of them wen't to a hotel, and it seemed like he wanted to bone her cousin, but ended up boning my wife. Very fishy, doesn't really sound like they ended up in that hotel by chance or out of good intentions...:scratchhead:.

So we talk, she begs me to stay and promises that it was a one night stand and it never wen't past that, I don't believe her, but I ease up the pressure. She calms down, we talk again, I confront her again about the A, she refuses to confess to it and instead says that her father tried to rape her when she was 14 , and that she has never mentioned that to anyone. At this point, I'm not sure if I should believe her or what, but I back down again and give her as much comfort and support as I can:scratchhead:.

Today, I started going through their emails. He sends her poems, and all sort of cheese crap, the kind of emails with PPTs attached, music and animations, saying s!hit like "things happen for a reason", etc... There is not a lot, no real explicit stuff, but they have maintained contact, and he is aware of pretty much everything that was going on in our marriage at the time of her first visit. There is one line that really cough my attention, a line with which my wife replied to one of his messages, basically it goes like this, "Yeah I'm doing ok, I'm having a second honey moon... hahaha...". The reason it set me up, its because it sounded sarcastic, (its not in english, so you can't really transmit all of the meaning once translated).

So obviously I confront her again, she denies having the A, keeps insisting in that it was a one time thing, but something is telling me that she is lying... I know, things just don't add up. She spent almost 3 months working in his office, the two of them alone... Their correspondence did not cease, and though there is nothing overly incriminating besides what I already found, but it is apparent that they had plenty of time to f*ck more than once. 

BTW, the guy is married, so I threatened her with exposing him to her wife, it seemed to scare my W, but she is not backing down, instead she became very defensiveness, saying that she is tired of all of this, and that I will never forgive her and its a waist of time and I should stop asking and trust her (yeah right, after she had two strikes... :rofl

Also, she wanted to travel back to her mom's (him?) again, this March, kinda soon, considering that she was there in October last year...

We're going to counseling next Monday, but I'm feeling less hopeful, I know that she is not telling all the truth... 

How do I get it out of her? Should I keep pushing the OM wife card? Should I back down? What should I do?

Thanks.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It's called polygraph time although she sounds like a serial cheater to me. Expose the pos to his wife.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go ahead and send the OMW an email exposing the affair. Its the best tactic in ending the affair. The Om will throw your wife under the bus to save his own marriage.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Well, if she is a serial cheat, the conventional wisdom is that that cannot be fixed.

For now do the 180 as if you are(and should be) preparing to divorce her and find a good woman.

OTOH you wrote this, so what's the problem. 

*Open, as in open to discussion, meaning that if she has a fantasy of some sort, she tells me, but not actually doing anything as far as I know. We discussed doing some trios or stuff like that, but never serious enough to actually try it, just talking. 

As far as having problems with her some random guy, I think I wouldn't. 

I don't think they stopped at third base either.*

How long have you been sending signals to her that sex with other people is cool. This looks like a case of you made your bed, now lie in it.

BTW, the unspoken message to a woman in this position is you don't really love her or respect her. I'll bet she thinksyou have slept around too, no?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is a disaster. Yes, expose the OM to his wife, and do a very hard 180 on her. She has now physically cheated on you twice, that YOU KNOW OF. And now she's sick of your questions, and dealing with all of this. F her!

Just GTFO of this relationship. She has zero respect for you. If she goes back to see her mom, she WILL screw that guy again. Promise.

Tell her to go, and not to come back.


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## sadbehappy (Jan 4, 2013)

chapparal said:


> Well, if she is a serial cheat, the conventional wisdom is that that cannot be fixed.
> 
> For now do the 180 as if you are(and should be) preparing to divorce her and find a good woman.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I still don't have a problem with that, my problem is the A. The fact she is emotionally involved with this guy and not willing to admit to is what sets me off... One night stand, sure it happens, but lying to my face when directly confronted, no way! 

Besides, from all of that I've read in this forum, the first and most important thing to do is killing the A, without that no R is possible.


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## sadbehappy (Jan 4, 2013)

sadbehappy said:


> Yeah, I still don't have a problem with that, my problem is the A. The fact she is emotionally involved with this guy and not willing to admit to is what sets me off... One night stand, sure it happens, but lying to my face when directly confronted, no way!
> 
> Besides, from all of that I've read in this forum, the first and most important thing to do is killing the A, without that no R is ever going to work.


One thing I forgot to mention. I made her write a note to this guy saying not to contact her again, she did that... Just putting it out there. I'm confused, maybe I'm just paranoid?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am sorry but you are wasting your time. I doubt that these were the only cases of her cheating and putting your health at risk for STD's. She has been playing you for a fool.

Clearly she got some twisted perverse thrill screwing your friend while you were sleeping in the next room. She got off on it knowing what she was doing. Now you know she has been engaged in another affair and you know it was more than one time. How many time are you going to allow her to humiliate and disrespect you this way? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions speak volumes. She does not respect you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You also need to get STD testing. You deserve better.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

sadbehappy said:


> Yeah, I still don't have a problem with that, my problem is the A. The fact she is emotionally involved with this guy and not willing to admit to is what sets me off... One night stand, sure it happens, but lying to my face when directly confronted, no way!
> 
> Besides, from all of that I've read in this forum, the first and most important thing to do is killing the A, without that no R is possible.


The first step to killing an affair is outing the OM to his wife. Next is absolutely no contact. That means she doesn't visit "mommy" with out you.

Go here print the wayward spouse instructions and study them with her. You will know where she stands by the way she reacts to them. Here is a link, 11 posts down http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sided-need-perspective-please.html#post534068


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

sadbehappy said:


> One thing I forgot to mention. I made her write a note to this guy saying not to contact her again, she did that... Just putting it out there. I'm confused, maybe I'm just paranoid?


Not paranoid at all, but you are putting the cart before the horse. You are trying to recover without first killing the affair. Call the OM's wife and tell her now. We'll worry about step 2 when you complete step 1.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you need to find out why she ratted herself out about your best friend. Have you been able to check if they have communicated lately. That is super suspicious now. 

She's worried about heavy petting( yeah right) with him but has no concern about an all out affair?

You have a tiny tip of the iceberg in both these situations.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You avoided the question as to whether or not she thinks you have slept with other women.


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## sadbehappy (Jan 4, 2013)

chapparal said:


> You avoided the question as to whether or not she thinks you have slept with other women.


She knows I have, she found out about me being with a prostitute, she said that is what set everything off.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Really? Maybe your paranoid? No you are foolish!
Most woman need an emotional connection to want sex with a man.
What is required for an emotional connection?
Communication and time spent together.

Guess what IT'S ALL THERE including the sex!

And you think maybe you are paranoid.

And you are ok with her having "random" sex.

Sorry but someone as dull and clueless as that has made his own bed!

Wake up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

sadbehappy said:


> What bothers me is that she and my "fried" screwed in the room next to mine, while I was asleep, and made a secret out of it for 3 years. That for me is pure betrayal from both of them, I don't see any other way of putting it.


So, just to be clear: it bothers you that they didn't have the decency to get a hotel room, as opposed to just hopping on each other at their first opportunity, which happened to include you sleeping in the next room? REALLY? That's what bothers you?? After you and your wife have discussed having trios or other forms of sexual activity that interferes with a monogamous relationship?? :scratchhead:


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

sadbehappy said:


> She knows I have, she found out about me being with a prostitute, she said that is what set everything off.


Friend, you already laid the groundwork for a non-monogamous marriage when you screwed prostitutes and told her that you were interested in having sex with women in front of her. 

I'm not sure what you're upset about.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

sadbehappy said:


> She knows I have, she found out about me being with a prostitute, she said that is what set everything off.


Actually, I meant since then.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

sadbehappy said:


> A bit more background. *I have cheated on my wife with a prostitute and she found out, that was about a year before the incident with my best friend.* I understand that I hurt her and that she wants to get even with me, in fact I have never been too jealous and wouldn't care that much if it was a one night stand with a stranger.


you cheated with a prostitute. that's men's thing. men cheated with prostitutes for sex.men like sex.
the most common cause for women to cheat is emotional issue. hence, your best friend.she got her revenge right.TBH, i give my applaud to her.
you hurt her emotionally, and she gets even with you and hurt you emotionally as well: you lost your wife and your friend.

now there are 2 options : either you both work things out or get divorce.

and why did you cheat on her at the first place?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sadbehappy said:


> *We've been in a stable monogamous relationship.* Been married for 8 years, but we leaved together for a year before that, so it's been 9 years. We don't have any kids, because we wanted to have some financial stability before jumping into that.
> 
> The reason she confessed, she say, is because I deserve to know what kind of friend he is, not acknowledging that she is just as good or even worst than him. Not sure if its denial, or she has no morals. I'm confused.


Stable monogamous relationship + use of prostitutes = not a stable monogamous relationship. Really.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

AlphaHalf said:


> Your wife got her revenge by f$%king your "Best Friend". you opened pandora's box by sleeping with a prostitute and putting her health at risk as well. Two wrongs don't make a right. Working it out with your wife is up to you.
> 
> Your so called best friend needs a stiff punch to the face. A true best friend would put her [email protected]@ on the spot by stopping her advances as soon as he felt something wasn't right and tell you about it.


This.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Sir, I say this kindly, but you are an idiot.

You continue to say 'I won't have a problem with her sleeping with random dudes' and yet you whine about this. Women get emotional about sex. They have to TRUST someone to have sex with them.

You continue to send th message to her that she has a rather low value to you (about par of being with a prostitute) and yet you take umbrage when she does exactly what you gave her permission to do.

Your mind is seriously conflicted because your oh so open minded attitude is conflicting with your genetic and human programing.

You don't know this POS overseas. What exactly is your complaint? He's 'a random dude'.

OH...he might REPLACE you...well DUH! Any 'random dude' might replace you. And yet you set a place at your dinner table marked 'anonymous' right next to your spot on the table. All comers welcome...just don't say hello to her before you start banging her.

BTW, it sounds like that threesome thing...your wife has beaten you to the punch...just not with your involvement.

People make mistakes. You've made two: sleeping with a pro and being an open minded dolt. You have only adjusted your behavior on one of these mistakes.

You sow the wind, you reap the whirlwind.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

apparently 'bro's before hoe's' didn't work out for you... 

don't mean to be harsh... but...you made your bed so...

well you know the rest...


Yanno...

having a no holds barred so to speak or a loose marraige like that ...what did you expect? Either take the sacrament of marraige seriously...or don't be married. When you and your wife don't 'act' married...and _you _don't like it...don't complain. 

Goose/Gander....oops there I go again...


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## sadbehappy (Jan 4, 2013)

Here is an update if anyone is interested.

Yesterday we went for the polygraph test. She passed. BTW, she agreed without hesitation, the first time I brought it up.

The questions revolved around what she told me; confirming specific details, like penetration when she claimed there was none, and if there was an A with the one night stand. The results show that she was telling the truth about both accounts. Seems like (confirmed by polygraph) she haven't had any other thing besides what she told me and what I found out. 

Things are looking better now, she has shown remorse, and sent no contact letters to both man. She really wants (she tells me and I can see that), to work things out. That is why she told me about her thing with my "friend" in the first place. To her credit, when all of this happened we where on the brink of separation, and both she and I, were trying to get out of the relationship. I have no idea how we hanged in there, all I can say is that, it looks like she tried the other men and it didn't feel right. I can see now how she started trying to work things out after she came back from overseas. I can honestly say that for the past 2 years things have been very good overall, and this last year was absolutely wonderful. 

Her reasons to telling me what she did with my "friend" was that she felt incredibly guilty, and she felt like what we had was fake unless she confessed. She's been trying to confess for a long time but never had the courage or felt like it was the right time. Even the night she did confess, it sort of just spilled out. She says she didn't planed it, she just couldn't hold it anymore. That is also the reason why she didn't mention the second thing (there were two cases of infidelity, one with a "friend" of mine and another when she was abroad). I can see that she is sorry about not cumming out with the whole thing at once, and that if she'd have to do it again, she'd confess all of it at once.

I want to thank everyone for the support, even the once that at first seemed to be a little to harsh, it helped me to get my head out of my but and get the polygraph test, which I feel was very positive. 

I now understand a hole lot more about the "Do's and Dont's" in a relationship, infidelity and the meaning of boundaries - never again is she travelling somewhere without me (unless it's absolutely necessary), never again, will I mention that she is free to do whatever she pleases, etc... Those are basic things, I know, but unfortunately I never had a father to tell me about them. Oh well, it could have been much worse than this.

Thanks again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You still need to contact the recent OMW and let her know her husband has been cheating on her and has been chasing your wife.

She has a right to know.


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## daboss (Jan 18, 2013)

you cheated, she cheated, you are both as bad as each other. Either get over it or call is quits, simple really.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> I can see that she is sorry about not cumming out with the whole thing at once, and that if she'd have to do it again, she'd confess all of it at once.


She was sorry about cumming with the traitor. The other country A was a much worse betrayal.

Hope R works. You're going to have to watch her forever. The moment you trust her she may interpret that as permission to cheat. She may love you but cannot say no to male attention.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

There is nothing that can't to resolved *IF* both of you are willing to work on the relationship. Both of you have been unfaithful to the relationship, who has the greater sin is almost a mute point now. Both of you have confessed and both of you are contrite. She did not have to tell you, she could have gotten away with this and instead chose to tell you. This counts big to me in terms of reconciliation. For the reconciliation to be successful you both need to be in counselling and have very honest dialogue with one another. The positive polygraph confirms that she was truthful and has been contrite. You can't recover the old relationship, but that doesn't mean you can build a new and even stronger relationship. Hang tough big guy, I have complete confidence that you too will work this out in time.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lots of talk about how can he trust her but no talk about how she can trust him. Why is that? He actively sought the services of a prostitute. I wouldn't trust him at all. This whole marriage is a mess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Lots of talk about how can he trust her but no talk about how she can trust him. Why is that? He actively sought the services of a prostitute. I wouldn't trust him at all. This whole marriage is a mess.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


cuz his wife isn't posting here...he is so he gets the advise that pertainse to helping him through this issue.

Now if his wife was the poster and she would be getting the same perspective/advise.

Now if the tittle of the tread was " how can I get my wife to trust me" then things would be heading in a different direction

So ya ....what a mess of a marriage!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

OP, are you stll seeing ho's


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> cuz his wife isn't posting here...he is so he gets the advise that pertainse to helping him through this issue.
> 
> Now if his wife was the poster and she would be getting the same perspective/advise.
> 
> ...


Fair enough, but part of the advice should be to get him off his self righteous high horse, because as a hypocrite he can't really improve his marriage. Lead by example.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Zombie thread?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Zombie thread?


Only if the OP is dead or won't post.


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