# Prescription to take a man's sex drive



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Surely they must make something besides a bullet that would kill a man's sex drive.


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

Why....would you want to?


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## HHB (Nov 21, 2014)

My ex-wife will do it. I'd offer to introduce you, but I couldn't do that to another human being.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Any of the SSRI's will inhibit your sex drive. Paxil, Prozac...


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

Any reason you're being passive aggressive?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Old age


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Pollo said:


> Any reason you're being passive aggressive?


Not passive aggressive. Been dealing with this for years and it's never going to get any better. It's not deliberate on her part. She has diagnosed physical and mental maladies beyond her control. I won't cheat on or leave someone because they are ill. I'm 100% her support. The only reason her lack of drive is a problem is because I still have one. If I could get rid of mine, too, life would have to be a lot more tolerable. I'd get myself deployed for a year or so but she really can't take care of herself and the house. She spends about 20 hours a day in bed and I do 90% of the cooking and housework. Again, it's not her choice and it's not like she can just choose to not have depression. It just is what it is. Doesn't make it easy or fun. I'll talk to my doc about Paxil and some of those others. As long as they won't interfere with my ability to work, they might help.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Eat a lot of soy?


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

Saltpeter


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

WayUpNorth said:


> Saltpeter


That just makes you impotent and doesn't take the frustration away.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Surely they must make something besides a bullet that would kill a man's sex drive.


Lifetime Movie Network


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

soccermom2three said:


> Eat a lot of soy?


No. Would that help?


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## Terracota (Dec 10, 2014)

I don't know anything about men's pills, and I guess she is deeply ill, and HER taking the pills is out of the questions? Otherwise if she is not really bothered with her hormonal balance (i.e. not going to have a child any soon) - there is female viagra after all..


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

No , No , No , the worst feeling a man can have is suppressing his desires ; you can succeed to do it physically then it will turn into a mental illness...

So because you have principles you should be screwed ( excusez moi) .

"She has diagnosed physical and mental maladies beyond her control" :

What exactly ? 

how old is she ? how old are you ? how many children do you have ?

is it depression and hormonal issues causing her misery ?

I believe you should be frank with her to have options ; a kind of open marriage if agreed is your right .

In Islam, her case gives me the right to marry a second women while keeping the first one ; the ethical form is to have it a declared marriage . The only reason I am not doing it is that I don't want to decieve my kids ...

If you don't have kids , and her Illness is a long term issue ; you need to be frank with her , sit with her and tell her that your needs has to be met .

If she offer a minimum , willing to do some efforts ( BJ, HJ, Cuddling) ....
then this might be ok with you ; otherwise , if she the PD person that will break a vase and cry over it ; go for open marriage ...


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

OK ,

curiosity killed me , and I red some of your threads ...

You area around 55 and she is around 50 ;


I am not a professional , but agreed to the idea that she is more BPD than Bipolar ...

a Bpder is always right , or always there is an external cause that makes the fault.

you reach a point where you even doubt yourself about wether your desires are normal .

I have one at home , 17 lovely years ...

There are no hopes to concert into a normal person , because they refuse to approach treatment ; might take a pill prescribed as they will attribute their irrationality to hormones ...

However it is clear any pill will not make the effect desired ; if she stops nagging ; she will sleep 20 hours a day...

The best results would be ; if you grow thicker skin , involve any support group she uses to vent without her knowldge at the begining ( relatives only ).

BPDer are happiness suckers.

I recall when one day I spent 3000$ on a ring she liked ( I borrowed 2900$ at that time ) - to make her happy ; and guess what , she got distant more : because the logic says that she should love me ; she disconnected and almost denied me from sex ; actually she was there every time I try like a dead body .

I believe every person married to a BPD knows what I am talking about .

Communication issues are the habbit in every single communication we do ; yet she will read your mind sometimes when she want to make an issue out of something !

Logic never works , 

Now , you feel responsibility and you are stuck in my position , sincer , will not leave her because she is fu...ing sick in the head like my wife ....


You will be amazed that when another women appear in the pic ; she will become horny for a very short period ; which prooves she is not LD !

Not sure about yours ,

but mine is so religious to reject anything beyond vanilla ;however she never prays !

I advise you to get green light for open marriage ; she is sick ; fine you are too , your d.ck is bipolar too !

You have a sickness called being a man ...

And when that gentlmen stand he can not sleep again before greeting a woman ...

Tell her you have a serious illness like her , but the opposite !
Bipolar !

Tell her they identified it at your work during the routine yearly check , and the therapist suggested open marriage , because your memebr is bipolar too !


where are they when they VOW , Man !
mine promissed while engaged to rub my feet ; 

after marriage she never rubbed my back ..!


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Sounds like SHE is cheating YOU
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

metoprolol

The way my brother described it is "its a hydraulic system and the drug takes the pressure out of it"


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Metroplo causes impotence but doesn't inhibit the desire to have sex, the drive to want sex.

Unbelievable, you and I do not get along nor agree on much of anything but I feel badly about your situation with your wife. Have you told your wife that the lack of sex and sexual response you are forced to endure is in fact unendurable? Have you told your wife you cannot continue to live in a sexless marriage? Have you told your wife that you desire HER and turning off your desire for HER is linked with turning off your love for HER? Have you explained to your wife the depth of anguish this is causing you? Have you encouraged your wife to talk with her therapist about the state of sexlessness in your marriage?

Does she have some sort of physical condition, like MS or ALS that prevents her from being able to caress you? Does she have some sort of rare autoimmune disorder that causes her joints to be so painful any movement hurts?

I live in chronic pain and while it SUCKS and causes me to lose my patience easier than normal, it doesn't prevent me from having or enjoying sex. Two week after two major surfers and still totally doped up on all kinds of fabulous painkillers I found a way to have an orgasm that didn't cause pain in the movement's involved. IOW, where there is a will there is a way.

No woman, or man for that matter, can expect their spouse to live happily in love when sex is off the table.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> Metroplo causes impotence but doesn't inhibit the desire to have sex, the drive to want sex.
> 
> Unbelievable, you and I do not get along nor agree on much of anything but I feel badly about your situation with your wife. Have you told your wife that the lack of sex and sexual response you are forced to endure is in fact unendurable? Have you told your wife you cannot continue to live in a sexless marriage? Have you told your wife that you desire HER and turning off your desire for HER is linked with turning off your love for HER? Have you explained to your wife the depth of anguish this is causing you? Have you encouraged your wife to talk with her therapist about the state of sexlessness in your marriage?
> 
> ...


I've talked till I'm blue in the face, broached the subject every way it can be broached. Been talking for going on 10 years. Fact remains, she has no job, she can't take care of herself, it's either I take care of her or taxpayers do. Taxpayers didn't marry her. I did. I'm the one who promised, "in sickness and in health, yada, yada.." Probably stupid of me but those were the rules explained to me in the wedding ceremony and that's what I agreed to do. I'll never again make such a promise to any other life form. 

Beyond her total absence of any sex drive, there is no physical reason she couldn't do whatever she wished. I'm no rapist and I'm not expecting or demanding anyone do something against their will. I couldn't deprive another human being of basic needs but that's just me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

tommyr said:


> Sounds like SHE is cheating YOU
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She almost never leaves the house. She doesn't even go to the mailbox. She spends at least 20 hours a day in bed. Some days doesn't change out of her bed clothes. Spends all her time reading Kindle or playing those FB games. She goes several days without a shower. If some other guy wants to come over here and take over my job, I'll draw him a strip map and fix him a nice dinner. I'd sign a quit claim to the house and they can have it all. I would be giddy thrilled if she were having an affair.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Open marriage? Get her agreement that you need sexual intimacy and have her agree to let you get it elsewhere?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> She almost never leaves the house. She doesn't even go to the mailbox. She spends at least 20 hours a day in bed. Some days doesn't change out of her bed clothes. Spends all her time reading Kindle or playing those FB games. She goes several days without a shower. If some other guy wants to come over here and take over my job, I'll draw him a strip map and fix him a nice dinner. I'd sign a quit claim to the house and they can have it all. I would be giddy thrilled if she were having an affair.



He wasn't talking about an affair. There's more than one way to cheat a man. There's more than one vow that can be broken. You read 'to have and to hold in your sickness or health' I read 'to have and to hold in my sickness or health.' You vow intimacy whether either one of you is sick or healthy. If you break that vow, the whole contract is void. The whole contract is a joke at that point.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Open marriage? Get her agreement that you need sexual intimacy and have her agree to let you get it elsewhere?


Problem there is that what you suggest would constitute the sin of adultery in my world. I would have to behave in ways that are beneath what I would typically consider, "honorable". Not sure how she would feel about it but considering she was raised as a pretty strict Catholic, my guess is she'd have a low opinion of it. At this point, her feelings on the subject wouldn't be much of a determining factor.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> He wasn't talking about an affair. There's more than one way to cheat a man. There's more than one vow that can be broken. You read 'to have and to hold in your sickness or health' I read 'to have and to hold in my sickness or health.' You vow intimacy whether either one of you is sick or healthy. If you break that vow, the whole contract is void. The whole contract is a joke at that point.


Can't really disagree with your logic. Who is morally responsible to support her? To my way of thinking, my kids and my wife are my responsibility to support. Wouldn't be honorable to dump my obligations onto the shoulders of taxpayers. It'd be very handy if she could get well enough to get a job and tend to her own basic needs. Right now, that's just not the case. Trying to pay down debt as quickly as possible so if I end up having to leave, she would require very little to maintain herself, just food, utilities, etc.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You are pretty long-suffering, unbe. Most of us would have divorced a spouse like that a long time ago.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There's this older couple in my town. Been married only six years. She had brain cancer and had a portion of her brain removed. Frequently, she doesn't even know who her husband is and she keeps calling the police, shrieking that there's an intruder in her house. She screams at him and calls him everything under the sun. He manages to keep his vows. She is even less able to care for herself than my wife and she is equally not responsible for her medical condition. Husbands came home from Iraq and Afghanistan in all sorts of screwed up conditions and many wives have kept their vows. It's not tea with the queen but lots of people deal with far worse challenges than I have been handed. A prescription to remove that desire would make it a lot easier, though.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> She almost never leaves the house. She doesn't even go to the mailbox. She spends at least 20 hours a day in bed. Some days doesn't change out of her bed clothes. Spends all her time reading Kindle or playing those FB games. She goes several days without a shower. If some other guy wants to come over here and take over my job, I'll draw him a strip map and fix him a nice dinner. I'd sign a quit claim to the house and they can have it all. I would be giddy thrilled if she were having an affair.


Then you need to take a page out of MEM's book and tell her you plan to outsource some of your emotional needs. 

Her depression doesn't seem to be something she's working to change? Treatment and therapy can work but only if she works it. Sometimes they have to hit bottom before they work therapy. You supporting her might have morphed into enabling her.

Will she do MC?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> There's this older couple in my town. Been married only six years. She had brain cancer and had a portion of her brain removed. Frequently, she doesn't even know who her husband is and she keeps calling the police, shrieking that there's an intruder in her house. She screams at him and calls him everything under the sun. He manages to keep his vows. She is even less able to care for herself than my wife and she is equally not responsible for her medical condition. Husbands came home from Iraq and Afghanistan in all sorts of screwed up conditions and many wives have kept their vows. It's not tea with the queen but lots of people deal with far worse challenges than I have been handed. A prescription to remove that desire would make it a lot easier, though.


Depression is both a medical condition and a behavioral condition. Both have to be treated. This isn't brain cancer, she CAN get better.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> Then you need to take a page out of MEM's book and tell her you plan to outsource some of your emotional needs.
> 
> Her depression doesn't seem to be something she's working to change? Treatment and therapy can work but only if she works it. Sometimes they have to hit bottom before they work therapy. You supporting her might have morphed into enabling her.
> 
> Will she do MC?


She can and she has done MC with me. Went to a very nice marriage retreat, even. She gets meds for her depression and bipolar but nothing in the way of counseling or therapy. I'm a cop, not a shrink. They've been treating her for over 20 years. If these specialists can't fix anything, not sure how I'm equipped to. I certainly have the will, just not the expertise. 
Don't want to pressure her into suicide or back into a mental hospital. The last trip was expensive as hell and didn't seem to do any good.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

She needs to be in therapy, meds alone won't do anything at all except keep the worst at bay. She needs to work therapy. She needs to slowly come to understand that positive steps lead to more positive steps.

You said she goes for days without taking a shower. That needs to stop. Every single day she must shower, wash her hair and brush her teeth. Every single day. That's the starting point. From there, every day she needs to leave the house for some reason. Go to the store, go to the doctors, doing something but every day at least a short trip out of the house.

This is why therapy is vital. Why isn't she in therapy? Is it a cost issue? Or does she refuse?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not sure why she doesn't. I've got great insurance so it's not a cost thing. She just doesn't seem to trust or like any doctors. Seems to be related to her bipolar, pretty much everyone pisses her off and when she's done with them, she's done.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

It's no sin to be ill, but it is if a person refuses to make the effort to get well.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Not sure why she doesn't. I've got great insurance so it's not a cost thing. She just doesn't seem to trust or like any doctors. Seems to be related to her bipolar, pretty much everyone pisses her off and when she's done with them, she's done.


Then you have a refusal to treat. 

What would you say to the spouse of an alcoholic who refuses treatment and expects to continue to be loved and supported?

A refusal to treat is a line in the sand you MUST cross. If she refuses treatment/therapy, you will not stay with her. In sickness and in health was not intended for refusal to treat situations, IMO. Usually when people get sick they seek treatment to get better. If they didn't, many of them would die from raging infections, right? 

Depression and bipolar will also kill her, but very very very slowly. Would any spouse stand by the other and watch them die a slow death from refusing to treat an ear infection? A bladder infection?

She may always have difficulties but both depression and bipolar are behavioral in nature and the patient can learn better ways to behave which leads to better ways to cope which leads to better overall health.

You must cross this line and make it a deal breaker or nothing will ever change. No one is expecting you to be her therapist. But maybe getting your own therapist can help you better understand the difference between being a good supportive husband and a co dependent enabler. I do not believe you fully understand the difference though I do believe you wish to be supportive and I think that is commendable. But at some point your support morphed into something that allows her to remain Ina state of ill health and that's not supporting but enabling.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A lot of truth there. I do worry that I'm unclear on where "can't" and "won't" are distinguished. I do know mental illness can be quite debilitating. She also has some legit back issues, had breast cancer, etc. Due to HIPA, I don't get a lot of feedback from her doctors.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> A lot of truth there. I do worry that I'm unclear on where "can't" and "won't" are distinguished. I do know mental illness can be quite debilitating. She also has some legit back issues, had breast cancer, etc. Due to HIPA, I don't get a lot of feedback from her doctors.


I think this is why you need your own therapist who can help you Wade through these very difficult issues. Think of it as learning to be the right kind of support person. A PhD level therapist would be educated enough of medical issues that impact mental health issues.

"You are going to shower today right?"

"You are going to get out of the house today right?"

Youre not expecting her to run a marathon, but you are expecting her to keep trying. Little steps each day become a habit.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

unbelievable ,
you are unbelievable comited person ...

Being married to a person who has a mental illness is very difficult ; 
In my case I am staying because of kids ; who are still young ...
but though I feel hating her more and more every day; I am still unable to throw the towel ...And still not sure if I will even do it when kids grow up ....
and will think 10 times if I feel that leaving her might cause her attempt to suicide ....


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

knowing u by know ( similar to my case...)
I am now sure that open marriage is not ok with you ....
You won't break the vow ...

I believe that the only solution is to push her a bit to get more sex from her ;remember when I pushed my wife to agree on certain frequency ; she had the option to refuse it , but practically she would be sooting her leg if she did.

The experience by itself was not pleasnt because it failed shortly ; but it did have afterword a minor positive impact as if it was a warning signal ...

Intimacy increased a bit ; but the main issue of borderline is there bugging my head with the contradictions ....


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Problem there is that what you suggest would constitute the sin of adultery in my world. I would have to behave in ways that are beneath what I would typically consider, "honorable".




Martyrdom it is, then. Maybe they'll give you a medal in heaven.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Zouz said:


> knowing u by know ( similar to my case...)
> I am now sure that open marriage is not ok with you ....
> You won't break the vow ...
> 
> ...


Right, push them for sex and it fails. Figure out why they don't want sex, address that and fix the relationship and sex will be back in the table again.

"I want you to get healthy so I can get laid" and her response will be the double NY salute with a kiss my ass for good measure!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

MarriedManInHis40s said:


> Martyrdom it is, then. Maybe they'll give you a medal in heaven.


Not all that helpful to be perfectly honest. Just looking for someone who might know of a prescription that could help. Right now, she's the one with medical and psych issues that we have to deal with. Next year, it might just as easily be me with the problems and her having to deal with them. I could go on patrol tonight and be in a coma or be permanently paralyzed before my shift is over. Any married person on this forum could have a non-functional spouse tomorrow or they could be one, themselves. Sooner or later, most of us will be one or the other. 
I suppose one could call it being a martyr but it's only what each of us promised to be and to do. If you found yourself in a screwed up position, unavailable to take care of your wife as you had in the past, completely not of your own choosing, what would you expect your partner to do?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Not all that helpful to be perfectly honest. Just looking for someone who might know of a prescription that could help. Right now, she's the one with medical and psych issues that we have to deal with. Next year, it might just as easily be me with the problems and her having to deal with them. I could go on patrol tonight and be in a coma or be permanently paralyzed before my shift is over. Any married person on this forum could have a non-functional spouse tomorrow or they could be one, themselves. Sooner or later, most of us will be one or the other.
> I suppose one could call it being a martyr but it's only what each of us promised to be and to do. If you found yourself in a screwed up position, unavailable to take care of your wife as you had in the past, *completely not of your own choosing*, what would you expect your partner to do?


Your wife chooses not to work therapy. There is good help out there, she just has to ask for it.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

No no. You completely misread my email !!
I do not suspect she is cheating ON you (as in having sex outside your marriage).

I said she is CHEATING you .... out of a normal life (especially in marriage) that would include physical intimacy and regular sex.

Why do you continue to meet all of her needs when she ignores yours?
Why do you agree to continued monogamy under these conditions?

At this point, YOU are the problem, not her.
Until YOU decide to do things differently, and/or treat her differently, nothing will change for either of you.




unbelievable said:


> She almost never leaves the house. She doesn't even go to the mailbox. She spends at least 20 hours a day in bed. Some days doesn't change out of her bed clothes. Spends all her time reading Kindle or playing those FB games. She goes several days without a shower. If some other guy wants to come over here and take over my job, I'll draw him a strip map and fix him a nice dinner. I'd sign a quit claim to the house and they can have it all. I would be giddy thrilled if she were having an affair.


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## Terracota (Dec 10, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Next year, it might just as easily be me with the problems and her having to deal with them. I could go on patrol tonight and be in a coma or be permanently paralyzed before my shift is over.


But will she take care of you then?..

As for the subject, I know they use potassium bromide in the eastern countries armies' to suppress erection during the military service. Don't know whether it helps tho :scratchhead:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Unbelievable, my friend: it greatly seems that your W is certainly not living up to the precepts of the marriage contract ~ obviously from borderline mental illness.

I'm taking it that if you "vacated and filed" on her, then you would literally be handing the house as well as at least half of your marital monetary assets over to her, and probably with a hefty monthly alimony bill for her benefit to boot.

Sounds as if she's close to being delusional and perhaps in need of being institutionalize do. but that's going to be doctor's call. Have you spoken to your pastor, or even legal counsel about all of this? If so, what did they tell you?


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Sounds like you’re both totally resigned to staying mired in her depression.

I’m always sorry to see that…

Such is the insidious nature of depression 

(Also Just for you to know: While SSRIs are probably the most obvious choice for a hindering of your sexual function … I think you’ll find that they’ll affect your orgasmic potential to a greater degree than they’ll diminish your actual sexual drive itself)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

arbitrator said:


> Unbelievable, my friend: it greatly seems that your W is certainly not living up to the precepts of the marriage contract ~ obviously from borderline mental illness.
> 
> I'm taking it that if you "vacated and filed" on her, then you would literally be handing the house as well as at least half of your marital monetary assets over to her, and probably with a hefty monthly alimony bill for her benefit to boot.
> 
> Sounds as if she's close to being delusional and perhaps in need of being institutionalize do. but that's going to be doctor's call. Have you spoken to your pastor, or even legal counsel about all of this? If so, what did they tell you?


I haven't talked to anyone. I discuss my business here and that's about it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I think this is why you need your own therapist who can help you Wade through these very difficult issues. Think of it as learning to be the right kind of support person. A PhD level therapist would be educated enough of medical issues that impact mental health issues.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



NonNormalPeople (tm) will likely blow off the above questions in a hurry...

Those "little steps" are what CBT is focused on in a way. If you have a person in bed 20 hours a day the probability of them being NormalPeople (tm) is quite low.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> NonNormalPeople (tm) will likely blow off the above questions in a hurry...
> 
> Those "little steps" are what CBT is focused on in a way. If you have a person in bed 20 hours a day the probability of them being NormalPeople (tm) is quite low.


Oh John I'm so glad you posted I was almost feeling optimistic! 

Of course she's not normal, she has bipolar and depression and both tend to respond very well to CBT and Meds.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh John I'm so glad you posted I was almost feeling optimistic!
> 
> 
> 
> Of course she's not normal, she has bipolar and depression and both tend to respond very well to CBT and Meds.





The operative word is "tend". Medications you have to take and CBT you have to listen and do. Eventually the patient may think "hooooold on a second pardner, why would I take them pills and listen to them kindergarten drills? To make my husband feel good? Meh^3.... 20 hours a day works great for cats"

The failure of a lot of psych treatments is usually because the person being treated does not see what is in it for them. But you can have NormalPeople (tm) who have bipolar etc and are fine or you can have NonNormalPeople (tm) who aren't really going to fit any of the DSM criteria but still...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Unbelievable--I'm currently on 20mg citalopram, and it's definitely taking the edge off.

That said, AP has the right idea about drawing a line in the sand. Her depression will not only kill her, it will damage you in the long run also. If she's unwilling to get help, she's ultimately damaging both of you. In sickness and in health does not extend to being dragged underwater by someone who isn't willing to try to swim.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Fozzy said:


> Unbelievable--I'm currently on 20mg citalopram, and it's definitely taking the edge off.
> 
> That said, AP has the right idea about drawing a line in the sand. Her depression will not only kill her, it will damage you in the long run also. If she's unwilling to get help, she's ultimately damaging both of you. In sickness and in health does not extend to being dragged underwater by someone who isn't willing to try to swim.


Does this citalopram make you not want it or just screw with your ability to perform? I'd just rather get to where I'm not thinking about it. I'll look into it. Thanks!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> The operative word is "tend". Medications you have to take and CBT you have to listen and do. Eventually the patient may think "hooooold on a second pardner, why would I take them pills and listen to them kindergarten drills? To make my husband feel good? Meh^3.... 20 hours a day works great for cats"
> 
> The failure of a lot of psych treatments is usually because the person being treated does not see what is in it for them. But you can have NormalPeople (tm) who have bipolar etc and are fine or you can have NonNormalPeople (tm) who aren't really going to fit any of the DSM criteria but still...


Exactly!

As it stands now, she is nearly guaranteed to be in bed next month and into the spring as well, if he does nothing differently.

But if Unbelievable has the I've had it talk, the one that says "you have one month to find a therapist, two months to establish weekly therapy and another two months to begin acting human for 3 hours every damn day or I will file for divorce and leave you," then he has his only chance of actually saving this marriage or walking away knowing he did everything he could.

Or are you suggesting he suck it up, dig a trench and adopt Bilbo as his secret screen name? Come one John what's your point here? I'm not selling rainbows here but if he doesn't DO anything, nothing WILL change!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Both are potential side effects. For me so far it's just making me a little 'meh' about it. I can and will still have sex, but it makes it a lot easier to focus on other things now, vs ruminating over what I did to wreck my sex life.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Does this citalopram make you not want it or just screw with your ability to perform? I'd just rather get to where I'm not thinking about it. I'll look into it. Thanks!


Don't do it!

Your sex drive helps every other drive.

Find a therapist!

Fozzy's sitch is different.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Doing anything assumes anything has a chance of working.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Unbelievable ,

Assuming she is "incorrigeable" now ; we need first to concentrate on you :

you will need a shield to protect your emotions from her ; otherwise her disorders will slowly damage your brain .

Opposing her and trying to push her to even take a shower is not gonna lead anywhere ; you can lead a horse to water but never make him drink ...


I advise you to work on yourself :

-Find new friends , locate old friends ; and try to socialize ;find old/new hobbies.

if you are religious , involve yourself in Church activities ; otherwise any charity task even couple of hours per week .


-While socializing , and contacting more people , she will notice the presence of females ; I am not encouraging you to cheat ; just when a women is in the picture ; look at your wife behavior ; she will get strength to do few things more than she used to do .

a BPder will be so lazy if a task is not her favorite ; but at the end this lovely creature called women has basic characteristics pertaining to muliebrity, gentleness, empathy, and sensitivity .

A Bpder or Bipolar looses all except muliebrity because she doesn't have control over it ; she works hard to destroy it , but rarely succeed .

When another female is in the surrounding ; the basic instinct of survival will make her jealous , and her jealousy could be either destructive or positive .

It is very important , that you never use logic with them , and never try to invite her to an activity ; if she feels into it she will follow .

I am not a prof , but I am living with one ; logic , talking about needs , etc ... all this doesn't work with them ...

She claim to love me , but the china wall will rise if it is me who ask for anything .

nowadays , I am following above ; With a thicker skin ; and I just go to activities I like ; and when I get back and see her mad , I just smile and kiss her forehead ...

When I don't want to do something , I no longer say no , I just slap my forehead : forgot ...

She knows deep inside her that I am becoming a liar ; but she can't prrove it


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No ideas on your question but don't OD on soy, any food eaten out of balance can be harmful.

Anyway I just wanted to say how sorry I am to read of your difficult life. My partner was married to a woman with serious mental health issues for 20 years and it is a tough life. FWIW she has done OK since they divorced, yes he pays a lot to support her but happiness is worth more than money. They are both living better lives now they are no longer married.

All the best to you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Any SSRi will take the urge/edge off... I would try those first...

I sympathise with you. As a man married to a wife who doesn't want to fix herself, I've been down that route. It works for a bit, but personally I didn't want to be a robot for the rest of my life. I'll leave that to my wife.

As far as not wanting to be fixed, I understand why my wife has chosen the antidepressant route, instead of therapy. It's much easier. You just pop the pill and you are fine. Therapy involves too much effort. 

People who are ill tend to put themselves first. This is what my wife does. It's pretty normal, but not when you are destroying your marriage. But that, for them, is an ancillary.

I think you are entitled to break your vows, since your wife is breaking some too... a marriage takes two people to make it work.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Zouz said:


> ..snip...
> I am not a prof , but I am living with one ; logic , talking about needs , etc ...* all this doesn't work with them* ...
> 
> ...snip...


You want to know what DOES work?
When she sees your Taillights in the driveway, only then will her fog lift.
I know this because I had a wife just like yours.

We are still together, many years later, with a regular sexlife.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

badsanta said:


> Ethical question for you based on a true story?
> 
> A mentally ill husband is admitted to assisting living because his spouse can no longer care for him. He does not even recognize his wife anymore. When she goes to visit him, she often finds him in love and holding hands with one of the other female residents of the assisted living facility.
> 
> ...


My grandfather was 94, had Alzheimer's, been married to my grandmother over 73 years and had to go into a nursing home. He thought every woman there with grey hair was my grandmother. He'd roll up his wheelchair beside them and hold their hand, calling them by my grandmother's name. Heartbreaking and sweet at the same time. Poor guy was completely lost without his bride. Now, he's gone and my grandmother is the one in the home and dealing with Alzheimer's. Most days she can't remember his name but she keeps looking at the door to her room, saying "that man I married" is coming to take me to .... In answer to your question, I'd choose "C", none of the above. His hand might be holding some strange woman's, but his heart might well still be clinging to his wife and that's what matters. She taught him that being loved and nurtured was a natural, necessary, and expected part of life. For 73 years, my grandfather did not know one day of loneliness, rejection, selfishness, jealousy, or disrespect and neither did my grandmother. Both loved completely and their devotion wasn't limited by the other's physical or mental abilities. My grandmother still is deeply in love with "that man" she married and he's been dead two years. Her mind is about gone, her vision is gone, her body is about gone but whatever part of her loves is still as strong as it ever was. Before he passed, there's not a doubt in my mind that his last coherent thought was about his wife.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

intheory said:


> SSRI's _sound_ like a good idea. But psychotropics are very powerful drugs. Your entire brain chemistry will be affected; not just your sex drive.


This is the exact reason why I stopped taking them... they change the brain's chemistry and, basically, you just feel like someone else or don't feel much at all... very grey, very boring existence...

Not for me, thanks... I like feeling alive...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

And your grandparents were able to enjoy that life because they both contributed to the love they shared.

Frankly Unbelievable, I think your wife *needs* to have the rug pulled out from under her feet. I think it's the only way she will get her life together. With you gone she has no choice but to get out of bed and care for herself. With you gone she will have to take a hard honest look at what she has done to herself, by allowing her various issues to take over her life.

Or she may continue to deteriorate. No way to tell.

Does she have family near by? Do they know the extent of her daily inactivity?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Not all that helpful to be perfectly honest. Just looking for someone who might know of a prescription that could help. Right now, she's the one with medical and psych issues that we have to deal with. Next year, it might just as easily be me with the problems and her having to deal with them. I could go on patrol tonight and be in a coma or be permanently paralyzed before my shift is over. Any married person on this forum could have a non-functional spouse tomorrow or they could be one, themselves. Sooner or later, most of us will be one or the other.
> I suppose one could call it being a martyr but it's only what each of us promised to be and to do. If you found yourself in a screwed up position, unavailable to take care of your wife as you had in the past, completely not of your own choosing, what would you expect your partner to do?


If you were to be injured during patrol and permanently paralyzed that wouldn't be your fault.

If you were injured during patrol and temporarily paralyzed, but refused to do the work that would restore your mobility, that would be your fault.

Your wife's ongoing mental issues are partly her fault if she's refusing therapy and doing her part to get off the bed, out of the FB games, into a shower, and back into life. Sitting around all day on anti depressants, wasting your life away, is a choice. Do you get that? Your wife is choosing the life she has, just as you're choosing to stay committed to a spouse who has, for all intents and purposes, abandoned you.

Yours is not a marriage. It's a caretaker-voluntary invalid one.

You talk of sin. Do you truly believe this sham of a marriage is what God intended for either one of you?


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

jaquen said:


> .....
> 
> 
> You talk of sin. Do you truly believe this sham of a marriage is what God intended for either one of you?




I was a believer ...
happy , optimistic, then got married

I was a believer ...
and innocently thought that love is never burried

with year of disrespect ,negligence and deprivation
17 with 3 kids and some load carried 

no more believe in love and inspiration 

I was a believer ....


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> If you were to be injured during patrol and permanently paralyzed that wouldn't be your fault.
> 
> If you were injured during patrol and temporarily paralyzed, but refused to do the work that would restore your mobility, that would be your fault.
> 
> ...


I really don't presume to know what's in God's mind. I know the rules He laid down for marriage and my only job is to abide by them and trust that He knows what He's doing. I haven't created any universes so I'm hardly in any position to second-guess Him. 

When it comes to mental illness, the line between voluntary and involuntary behavior is rather unclear. I expect there are things most mentally ill people could do that would improve their circumstances but I also recognize some are more able to seek and benefit from therapy than others. Getting through the day without hanging themselves is a victory for some. I'd like to encourage or push her to do more but without some expert psych advise, I'm reluctant. Like I said, I don't want my efforts to cause greater harm. What's happening isn't great but she's being cared for without being institutionalized and she's not swinging from a rope.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> Sounds like you’re both totally resigned to staying mired in her depression.
> 
> I’m always sorry to see that…
> 
> ...


This was absolutely true for me (SSRI's). After my brother died young, I experienced depression and was on prozac for over a year. It did not diminish my sex drive, only my ability to orgasm. I think probably SSRI's are not a good option.

You can always try it though. See if it helps.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> This was absolutely true for me (SSRI's). After my brother died young, I experienced depression and was on prozac for over a year. It did not diminish my sex drive, only my ability to orgasm. I think probably SSRI's are not a good option.
> 
> You can always try it though. See if it helps.


See, that wouldn't really work for what I'm hoping to accomplish. Not trying to reduce my ability to be sexual, just my desire to. I'm certain there's gotta be something out there. We have drugs for everything.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

To be honest... if I had a wife so unresponsive to my needs - despite her problems - I would be off sex with her forever...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In Absentia said:


> To be honest... if I had a wife so unresponsive to my needs - despite her problems - I would be off sex with her forever...


It's not just my needs. She's pretty unresponsive to her own needs, too. On the bright side, for whatever reason, she got up this morning about 7:00 and has been quite active all morning. Even made us a little breakfast and we've been doing some housecleaning. Strange how these things work. Weeks of nothing, suddenly gang-busters, weeks of sullenness, wakes up all happy, might last a few hours, a few days or maybe even a month. You just never know. Probably makes sense to a shrink but it baffles me.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's called bipolar due to the inexplicable mood swings that cycle for a few weeks, up for a few, down for a few.

Nows the time to talk with her about getting back into therapy so she learns to control her highs and lows better. Nows the time to explain how torturous it is to see her waste her life being a slave to to her bipolar.

"Do you like living like this?"


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

If you have tried before to convince her and it didn't work ,don't bother urself ,as soon as u talk to her now she will go back to her hibernation.take it from a 15yrs dealer with pd

Does she have a support group like parents or friends have u discussed the situation with them?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> It's called bipolar due to the inexplicable mood swings that cycle for a few weeks, up for a few, down for a few.
> 
> Nows the time to talk with her about getting back into therapy so she learns to control her highs and lows better. Nows the time to explain how torturous it is to see her waste her life being a slave to to her bipolar.
> 
> "Do you like living like this?"


She'd be a lot more receptive during one of her upswings. When she's in a bad place, there's no point in saying "howdy" to her. Anything you say just gets a ridiculously over-the-top hostile response. I do wonder how much is real and how much is put on. A couple of her friends called and said they were coming over last night. The house was in a sorry state, so we hustled around and got it mostly squared away. She's been throwing down on the housework this morning. I mentioned that she seemed to have more than usual energy and it was good to see. She replied that she was really embarrassed last night by the unexpected visit. Apparently, a lot of this has to do with motivation. If she was unable to get up and do normal chores, she'd be unable whether friends dropped by or not. She does seem to be able to do things she enjoys. She'll go for a motorcycle ride with me for hours. She'll walk dogs with me for miles. Things she enjoys less, she's too tired or "can't".


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> Surely they must make something besides a bullet that would kill a man's sex drive.


ANY SSRI Antidepressant will do it quite nicely and if you're not depressed there shouldn't be any other side effect except a loss of libido.

Some doctors use it "off label" to treat premature ejaculation in men at very low doses. It cuts down libido just enough so a guy doesn't cum as soon as he starts having sex. At a normal medium and for sure high dose it kills all sexual desire and prevents erections and you will be unable to ejaculate under any circumstances.

Rather than tell your Doc you are depressed tell him or her you suffer from premature ejaculation and you heard Paxil Prozac or Celexa....(there are about a dozen different ones) helps control it. If the dose they give you is too low double it that should do it.

Also if and when you do want to get your sex drive back you simply stop taking the meds. Remember they won't start working until about 2 weeks after you start taking them and don't stop taking them suddenly....wean yourself off over a week or so by taking slightly lower doses every day.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> See, that wouldn't really work for what I'm hoping to accomplish. Not trying to reduce my ability to be sexual, just my desire to. I'm certain there's gotta be something out there. We have drugs for everything.


I know that's not what you're looking for...

And I feel like jorgegene's experience is much more typical, so I'm glad for his corroboration

For sure there are other drugs...the 'chemical castration' drugs given to sex-offenders...those work to diminish Sexual Drive much more directly. 

Depo-Provera can be used to accomplish this...so it's not that said drugs belong to some rarefied class...it's just...idk if a Dr. would be willing to prescribe it for your particular purpose...(and the reasons underlying it)

I'll have an MD in 1.5 yrs (god-willing) and it's frankly an interesting 'patient autonomy' ethical dilemma to me...

honestly I feel like I _so_ wouldn't want to prescribe you something that basically 'enables' you to persist in a marital dynamic that I don't feel is 'healthy'.

BUT then, it is your life, so as long as you're apprised of the potential health risks, you should ultimately make the final call 

Well, _if_ that's the route you really want to go and _if _you find a Dr. to prescribe it to you...I'll hope you post about it (and also their specialty)

But Ugh...Dude...my intuition (which I conveniently find to be utterly BALLER) says: this does NOT feel like 'the answer' to your plight

Or not the _deeply _ 'right' answer anyway....


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I really don't presume to know what's in God's mind. I know the rules He laid down for marriage and my only job is to abide by them and trust that He knows what He's doing. I haven't created any universes so I'm hardly in any position to second-guess Him.


Assuming you're a bible believing Christian, are you AND your wife then following all the precepts and rules regarding a true, God inspired marriage? Or are you selecting out the "do not commit adultery" part, while ignoring everything else? Because, biblically, marriage is spoken far more richly, and deeply, than surviving and not sleeping with other people; it's the ultimate earthly portrait of the love between Christ and his beloved bride. You're not suppose to pick the rules that help you not divorce, while ignoring the beautiful percepts that help make marriage worth holding on to in the first place.

What you describe of as your marriage is not a biblical portrait of a sound marriage, and you're doing a disservice to that beautiful calling by suggesting it's God's vision that is responsible for the "marriage" you have.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Surely they must make something besides a bullet that would kill a man's sex drive.


Yes any television show with the Kardashians in it.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Jaquen is spot on regarding your perception of God's "plan" for marriage. I strongly urge to to seek counsel from your clergy. The folks here at TAM are great but what your dealing with is far beyond what you have been given here (it is a good start though).

If this is your final source for all information and strategy (i believe you implied that is was) then you really are not living up to the covenants and obligations you made at the alter as much as you believe you are.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Typical BPD ,lazy for things she doesn't enjoy .If u lower your libido u will each nowhere because she won't appreciate ,Bpder creatures are very smart beleive me they know how to benefit from every situation .work on yourself for your benefit,if you insist on staying in this marriage like me and john and few others ,then welcome to the club ,get a thicker skin ,involve her friends and close support group,embarrasse her with more visitors . Get her used to the idea that she has to do some work...

I beleive if she just do few things and take care of u a few times per month ,you will be happier,I can feel it :u r not a greedy person .


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