# Things are a little backwards



## pylesrm

Hey guys, my name is Randy, this is my first time posting. Also, I'll apologize in advance for the LONG read. So I'll try to just get to the point. I'm 27, I work as an IT analyst, my wife is 27, and works in skin care. We have three kids; 3,5,and 7, and we have been together nine years, married seven. To be honest, I don't even know where to begin. How do you summarize a marriage? These days, it just seems like we hate each other. Our marriage has always been a little rough, I was in the Navy when we first got together back in 2005. Life was REALLY hard when I got out, and we are just now getting back up on our feet. Anyway, as far as I am concerned, things got really bad about two years ago, when she got the job she has now.
She works in a massage place, doing skin care. She met her friend Aerin there, and like I said, that's when things went down hill. She started drinking and partying a lot, going out every single weekend, sometimes leaving on Friday and not coming back until Sunday. Mostly going out on a Saturday/Friday night, and not coming back, sometimes, until between 4-6 the next morning. To me, that seems insane. She smoked weed once, or twice. When she told me, I was LIVID. 

I am very much a home-body, I don't understand the point of going out and drinking and partying. She says clubbing "recharges her for the next week". That blew me away to the point, I didn't even have a response. It's that F-ing dumb.

She started babysitting her friends kids on Sundays. Long story short on that, I told her no more, and she basically told me "too bad". Ever sense she met her, I feel like everything and everyone has become secondary to her friends and social life. The big blow up we had recently, as in about two weeks ago, was the culmination of a lot of pent-up frustration. We "emotionally separated", her words, about two months ago. She stated she felt like we were heading in two different directions. I didn't think so, but I went with, and I guess I knew it was true so a small extent, but not to the level she thought it was.
We have had so many fights sense then. I can't put my finger on it, but she stated she wants us to work on ourselves, before we can be what she feels is whole again. Nothing wrong with that, but I can't help but to feel like she blames me for everything. All she does is stay in one of the bedrooms and sleeps all day. Never cleans, the only time I see her genuinely smile is when she is talking/texting her friend Aerin. It's no secret, she'll tell you, she has motivation issues. When she gets home, she doesn't want to clean, play, cook, nothing - just wants to relax.

She told me the things she wants me to work on; temper and being better about taking my medication (thyroid). I said fine, no problem, and I went way above and beyond. I lost weight, started exercising got back on everything, I did exactly what she asked of me. I told her: work on your temper; she has a habit of saying she will leave when she gets mad, get better at cleaning up, go see a doctor about your depression and stop going out so much. She did NON of it. She didn't even try. She made a doctors appointment, didn't have all the right paperwork, and never went back. 
She still doesn't clean up, and started going out more. I gave up, I refuse put in the work if shes not going to. She says finding a new job is hard in what she does. Maybe it's just me, but I went through many failed careers and lost of different jobs before getting the good job I have now, and it just feels like an excuse. Anything other than results just feels like a bullcrap excuse. 

We haven't slept in the same bed in about two weeks, which is not the first time this has happened. We only started talking again because I wrote her some love letters, to which she said "words are nice, but prove it." 

I guess that's my point; I'm putting in all this work for getting nothing in return, and I'm tired of it. I could get keep going on, but we would be here for awhile, this is just the surface. I just need some guidance. 

Sorry for the thought path being a little everywhere.


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## lenzi

pylesrm said:


> She told me the things she wants me to work on; temper and being better about taking my medication (thyroid). I said fine, no problem, and I went way above and beyond. I lost weight, started exercising got back on everything
> 
> 
> I guess that's my point; I'm putting in all this work for getting nothing in return, and I'm tired of i


What's all the work you're doing? You say you got back on the medications you're supposed to take and you exercised and lost weight and wrote her some love letters.

That's 'all this work'? You should have been on the meds all along, and if you were overweight, then exercising and losing the weight is good for YOU. 

You complain too much. I'm thinking that's one of the problems here.


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## pylesrm

lenzi said:


> What's all the work you're doing? You say you got back on the medications you're supposed to take and you exercised and lost weight and wrote her some love letters.
> 
> That's 'all this work'? You should have been on the meds all along, and if you were overweight, then exercising and losing the weight is good for YOU.
> 
> You complain too much. I'm thinking that's one of the problems here.


I do find myself complaining a lot these days, which I fell very bad for. That's not part of my personality, I'm not the complain type. I just feel like I'm taking all the blame. But that isn't my point. What I'm saying is I held up my end of the deal, and she isn't. (Yes, I feel very whiny right now)


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## lenzi

pylesrm said:


> What I'm saying is I held up my end of the deal, and she isn't. (Yes, I feel very whiny right now)


You held up your end of the deal by exercising, losing weight, and taking the medications you're supposed to be taking.

Not feeling sorry for you.

What have you done for HER?


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## pylesrm

lenzi said:


> You held up your end of the deal by exercising, losing weight, and taking the medications you're supposed to be taking.
> 
> Not feeling sorry for you.
> 
> What have you done for HER?


I get what your saying, and I'm not asking for pity. But you do bring up a good point. You are right, that doesn't do anything for her directly. I don't really know how to answer that. 

I do THINGS for her all the time, bring home flowers, run errands when she doesn't feel like it, etc.

I struggle with the question of: Isn't going to work enough? On the one hand, I know it's not, because like you've said, it's something I should be doing regardless. But on the other hand, I work my ass off for my family, I'm where I say I'm going do be, I'm always readily available and I do everything I'm asked of. I do feel lost on this subject, I have nothing that resembles a social life.


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## FrenchFry

Hey.

I'm 28 with one 3 year old. I've been through depression, I love to go out with my GFs on a regular basis. So some similarities to your wife, maybe a little bit.

1. I think your wife is going out a too much--she's escaping something. Honestly with 3 kids at 27, I'd probably be tempted to do the same. Doesn't make it okay, but what she is doing isn't "normal" by any means.



> I am very much a home-body, I don't understand the point of going out and drinking and partying. She says clubbing "recharges her for the next week". That blew me away to the point, I didn't even have a response. It's that F-ing dumb.


People who are routinely criticized and judged by their spouses will eventually find that their spouse will not open up to them.

I don't really understand some of my husbands loves either. I don't think they are dumb by any means, however, and watching him talk about them or participate in them together lights him up and brings us closer together.

My husband doesn't really like my music. When I ask him to come with me to a club and dance--he goes and gets his jam on which lights me up because it's fun to do things with him.

This might be one of the reasons (beyond depression) that your wife feels like you are going in two different directions. What would happen if you invited yourself along next time?





> Long story short on that, I told her no more, and she basically told me "too bad".


This probably needs a little expanding. Like is babysitting bringing in money? What does she get out of babysitting and what is babysitting doing to you that you feel like you had to issue an ultimatum?



> What I'm saying is I held up my end of the deal, and she isn't


. 

Complaining about it probably won't change it. When she is in her room not cleaning, what is the response you get when you say "hey, lets do xxx together?" 

From what I see, you both lack empathy for each other. She isn't here so I'd tell her different things but building that empathy back up is probably one of the most important things that could be done here.


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## FrenchFry

> Isn't going to work enough?


Sorry to double post:

No. No it's not.
You work, your wife works. Work is work.

Being in love is another job with tasks all of its own and believing that a paycheck is enough is a deadly trap to fall into.


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## pylesrm

> I think your wife is going out a too much--she's escaping something. Honestly with 3 kids at 27, I'd probably be tempted to do the same. Doesn't make it okay, but what she is doing isn't "normal" by any means.


Thank you. This is a subject I really am lost on. I genuinely did not know what was too much, or not, thanks. 






> This might be one of the reasons (beyond depression) that your wife feels like you are going in two different directions. What would happen if you invited yourself along next time?


I've asked myself this very question, the answer is I really don't know. I know I get bored after a short time at a club or a bar, but past that, I guess nothing really. It's just not something I'm used too.





> This probably needs a little expanding. Like is babysitting bringing in money? What does she get out of babysitting and what is babysitting doing to you that you feel like you had to issue an ultimatum?


The money that is does bring in is few and far between, and I certainly never see it. Really, the problem is these three kids are HORRIBLE. There mean, disrespectful, loud, and it rubs off of my kids, then I spend the next few days reprogramming them to not be little jerks themselves. 

After all that, my wife still refuses the tell her friend to find someone else, because she doesn't want her group of friends to be mad at me. WTF??????



> Complaining about it probably won't change it. When she is in her room not cleaning, what is the response you get when you say "hey, lets do xxx together?"


Most of the time, literally no response at all. She just ignores me and continues to play on her phone. I'll stand there for a few minuets, and when I turn to leave, I get "where are you going!?"

Or some other reason why she can't do it right then and there.



> From what I see, you both lack empathy for each other. She isn't here so I'd tell her different things but building that empathy back up is probably one of the most important things that could be done here.


That's what I'm looking for, I feel that this is right. I know I've lost some, for sure.


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## pylesrm

FrenchFry said:


> Sorry to double post:
> 
> No. No it's not.
> You work, your wife works. Work is work.
> 
> Being in love is another job with tasks all of its own and believing that a paycheck is enough is a deadly trap to fall into.


You are right, I just wish it was enough, I guess.


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## JustTired

Honestly, it sounds like your wife has lost respect for you & the marriage. Staying out all night & not coming home until the next morning is utterly unacceptable. Your wife has no consequences to her actions. Telling your wife that her actions are wrong is not a consequence, you have got to SHOW her you mean business. 

I know this gets brought up a lot, but are you sure your wife isn't cheating? It seems like $hit went downhill the minute she met this new friend at work. I would investigate without letting her know. If you find nothing, cool. If you do find something, make copies & keep them in a safe place until you seek legal counsel.

I will admit that both you & your wife married & started having kids really young. I am thinking that Miss Taken may be on to something about your wife wanting to escape. I can totally see that too.


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## pylesrm

JustTired said:


> Honestly, it sounds like your wife has lost respect for you & the marriage. Staying out all night & not coming home until the next morning is utterly unacceptable. Your wife has no consequences to her actions. Telling your wife that her actions are wrong is not a consequence, you have got to SHOW her you mean business.
> 
> I know this gets brought up a lot, but are you sure your wife isn't cheating? It seems like $hit went downhill the minute she met this new friend at work. I would investigate without letting her know. If you find nothing, cool. If you do find something, make copies & keep them in a safe place until you seek legal counsel.
> 
> I will admit that both you & your wife married & started having kids really young. I am thinking that Miss Taken may be on to something about your wife wanting to escape. I can totally see that too.


Yea, multiple family members have questioned her, all to no avail, and the same answers. I don't want to go down the spying road, but I guess I have no choice. Like I said, I work in IT,I can anything out. 

I'm just glad I'm not crazy, and my thoughts are in fact shared. You know when your gut is right. 

For ***CS sake, I wrote her SIX pages of love letters, and got nothing but sarcasm.


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## pylesrm

I just found an email of her talking to a guy from craigslist...literally JUST.


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## JustTired

*Re: Re: Things are a little backwards*



pylesrm said:


> I just found an email of her talking to a guy from craigslist...literally JUST.


Awwww, man! Time to dig deeper.


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## FalconKing

pylesrm said:


> I just found an email of her talking to a guy from craigslist...literally JUST.



As cliche' as it sounds. All the signs were there...


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## clipclop2

I suspect she's spending a fair chunk of change at these bars as well. How much money does she make?

she doesn't need to quit her job. She needs to grow up. She's a mother with 3 young children who need her attention and need a good example. 

regarding what she doesn't do around the house my suggestion to you is to not pick up the slack for her. If you cook just cook for you and the kids. If you clean just clean for you and the kids and the same goes for laundry. 

since you can't force her to do anything all you can do is change yourself. 

a married woman with three young children staying out until the wee hours of the morning or not coming home at all is irresponsible and certainly unacceptable.

I have a feeling that she wouldn't be able to make it on her own. and I think that you would be foolish not to suggest that perhaps you should divorce.

since you do everything now you would continue to do everything and keep the kids and she would pay you child support.

So keep a log book and begin to document her coming and going and also how much money she spending on booze and cover charges. 

make sure the you have backups of your record keeping because she might find it and destroy it.

don't argue with her. Tell her what you want and what the consequences will be if things don't change. then don't nag but plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pylesrm

JustTired said:


> Awwww, man! Time to dig deeper.


I went through the rest of her email, her sms, Facebook, everything. So far, this look like an isolated incident. I even logged onto Verizon, and there isn't anything other than this. I work in IT, I can find anything.

When I confronted her about it, she didn't try to deny it at all. Her explanation is: back then, she was very unhappy. She felt like she had failed our marriage and was looking for "outside perspective". She was on a momswap site that, as she stated, "led" her to this guys ad. They talked for about two days, he turned to be a creep, wanting pictures - your gets mine kind of stuff. That's when she says she cut it off.

A lot of this I have trouble with. She said she just wasn't in the right frame of mind, "emotionally compromised" as she basically put it. Some of her reasoning would be lame for a guy, much less her.


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## pylesrm

FalconKing said:


> As cliche' as it sounds. All the signs were there...


This is actually a relief, you know when your gut is right and I was going crazy, thinking I was crazy. Glad to know I'm not.


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## pylesrm

clipclop2 said:


> I suspect she's spending a fair chunk of change at these bars as well. How much money does she make?
> 
> she doesn't need to quit her job. She needs to grow up. She's a mother with 3 young children who need her attention and need a good example.
> 
> regarding what she doesn't do around the house my suggestion to you is to not pick up the slack for her. If you cook just cook for you and the kids. If you clean just clean for you and the kids and the same goes for laundry.
> 
> since you can't force her to do anything all you can do is change yourself.
> 
> a married woman with three young children staying out until the wee hours of the morning or not coming home at all is irresponsible and certainly unacceptable.
> 
> I have a feeling that she wouldn't be able to make it on her own. and I think that you would be foolish not to suggest that perhaps you should divorce.
> 
> since you do everything now you would continue to do everything and keep the kids and she would pay you child support.
> 
> So keep a log book and begin to document her coming and going and also how much money she spending on booze and cover charges.
> 
> make sure the you have backups of your record keeping because she might find it and destroy it.
> 
> don't argue with her. Tell her what you want and what the consequences will be if things don't change. then don't nag but plan.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She doesn't make nearly as much money as I do, we have discussed that fact that she MIGHT be able to pay for herself, not even one kid, much less three. 

Not doing things for her, been there done that.

I told her, after her birthday this weekend, no more going out for awhile, at all. She didn't fight me on it, she agreed. 

I have been keeping records for awhile, so there's that.

Her apology was genuine, and I do believe her, for the most part, when she says it's a one time thing that ended before it began. The evidence supports it. However, I am "sleeping with one eye open".


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## JustTired

What concerns me the most about her "emotionally compromised" explanation is - What if she goes through another phase where she is feeling that way? Will she be a repeat offender? It's good that she quickly caught on the guy was a creeper & didn't allow any funny business. However, the "what ifs" would go through my mind. Your wife demonstrated poor judgement during an emotionally vulnerable time. Did she ever talk to you about it? Or was this period she is describing news to you? She should have never turned to another man for a _perspective_, you should've been the one she turned to.

Although she agreed to not go out for a while, exactly what does _a while _mean? Several weeks? Several months? I think now would be a good time to discuss boundaries about going out with friends.


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## pylesrm

JustTired said:


> What concerns me the most about her "emotionally compromised" explanation is - What if she goes through another phase where she is feeling that way? Will she be a repeat offender? It's good that she quickly caught on the guy was a creeper & didn't allow any funny business. However, the "what ifs" would go through my mind. Your wife demonstrated poor judgement during an emotionally vulnerable time. Did she ever talk to you about it? Or was this period she is describing news to you? She should have never turned to another man for a _perspective_, you should've been the one she turned to.
> 
> Although she agreed to not go out for a while, exactly what does _a while _mean? Several weeks? Several months? I think now would be a good time to discuss boundaries about going out with friends.


I am worried about her repeating this. She has never done anything like this before. I don't want this to become a coping mechanism. 



> Your wife demonstrated poor judgement during an emotionally vulnerable time. Did she ever talk to you about it? Or was this period she is describing news to you? She should have never turned to another man for a _perspective_, you should've been the one she turned to.


That's is an ongoing issue with her, she has always been completely closed off. That is what is a little backwards about us, I'm the open, talkative, emotionally available, huggy-felly one. She just simply isn't, she raised to not talk about feelings. It's point blank something you just don't do. 

Anyway, it's not that she didn't talk to me, she doesn't talk. NOT an excuse though, I was raised the same way, and I realized at a young age that complete BS.


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## FalconKing

She seems to be very open with her toxic friend. Do you think she sees you as some type of authority figure that she has to rebel against? I think she is agreeing to your demands because you caught her making a big mistake and you have gained leverage.


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## pylesrm

FalconKing said:


> She seems to be very open with her toxic friend. Do you think she sees you as some type of authority figure that she has to rebel against? I think she is agreeing to your demands because you caught her making a big mistake and you have gained leverage.


I don't think she sees anyone as an authority figure, much less me. However, that's not unusually for her. I think she is just agreeing for the sake of keeping me quite so the family doesn't find out. 

The fact about her is; she is going to do what she wants to do, regardless of anyone else. She is one of those types of people that you have to say: "sure, she loves you, but in her OWN WAY". 

So what did she do last night? Went out with her friend and didn't come back.


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## turnera

pylesrm said:


> The fact about her is; she is going to do what she wants to do, regardless of anyone else.
> 
> So what did she do last night? Went out with her friend and didn't come back.


And what did you DO about it?

She's doing this because you allow it. You have turned from the leader of the family to the doormat. Women HATE doormats, and often end up cheating on them or leaving them.

You need to get the book No More Mr Nice Guy, like YESTERDAY. You'll see why everything you're doing is causing her to do what she's doing more. 

As for her going out and not coming home, the next time she does that, pack up the kids and GO somewhere. I don't care where - just leave. She needs to see you MAD and be afraid that she's going to lose her marriage and family. You also need to stop giving her any money, if you're sharing expenses. She wants to act like a single person, she can do it on her own dime.

Go order that book right now.


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## pylesrm

turnera said:


> And what did you DO about it?
> 
> She's doing this because you allow it. You have turned from the leader of the family to the doormat. Women HATE doormats, and often end up cheating on them or leaving them.
> 
> You need to get the book No More Mr Nice Guy, like YESTERDAY. You'll see why everything you're doing is causing her to do what she's doing more.
> 
> As for her going out and not coming home, the next time she does that, pack up the kids and GO somewhere. I don't care where - just leave. She needs to see you MAD and be afraid that she's going to lose her marriage and family. You also need to stop giving her any money, if you're sharing expenses. She wants to act like a single person, she can do it on her own dime.
> 
> Go order that book right now.


Some very valid points. We have gone back and forth on this a few times. The last time she did this back in March, I didn't let it go. I laid it out for her, I started to split the bank accounts, I got in touch with a divorce attorney, I worked out her and my finances, just to show her that: 

1.) She doesn't make enough to support even one kids, much less three.
2.) What kind of life she would have, which is no real life at all. 

At the end of it, she said it was too much, she regretted it for letting it get that far. So sure, I might look like a doormat right now, but I'm going to have to do these things again, and then some. We are seeing a VA marriage counselor, hopefully soon. 

Not an excuse; everyone reacts differently to every emotion, she is not the kind of woman you can easily put your foot down with. Even before all this, she just doesn't react. Action is the only thing works with her, which is what I'm doing.


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## turnera

It's not a matter of putting your foot down. You need to look at this in terms of YOUR boundary and the consequence YOU enact if she oversteps it. She's free to do whatever she wants; she just has to accept that you'll leave her if she does this again.


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## happy as a clam

lenzi said:


> You complain too much. I'm thinking that's one of the problems here.


I have to disagree with this. If my spouse was staying out all night (sometimes multiple nights in a row), drinking, partying, smoking weed, laying around in bed, babysitting other people's kids on the weekends instead of spending time with OUR family, refusing to cook or clean, I'd be complaining too.

Her behavior is ridiculous.

The new friend and the job are both toxic marriage-killers.

As for chatting it up with men on Craigslist, well, I think we all know where this is headed.


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## happy as a clam

pylesrm said:


> Some very valid points. We have gone back and forth on this a few times. The last time she did this back in March, I didn't let it go. I laid it out for her, I started to split the bank accounts, I got in touch with a divorce attorney, *I worked out her and my finances, just to show her that:*
> 
> 1.) She doesn't make enough to support even one kids, much less three.
> 2.) What kind of life she would have, which is no real life at all.


So OP, it sounds like you basically convinced her to stay for financial reasons. Not very encouraging... 

So she stays for the money, she can come and go as she pleases, stay out all night if she wants, party 'til the cows come home, has learned that she really can treat you how she wants with no consequences. 

As turnera asked... what are you gonna DO about it?


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## pylesrm

happy as a clam said:


> So OP, it sounds like you basically convinced her to stay for financial reasons. Not very encouraging...
> 
> So she stays for the money, she can come and go as she pleases, stay out all night if she wants, party 'til the cows come home, has learned that she really can treat you how she wants with no consequences.
> 
> As turnera asked... what are you gonna DO about it?


I know money isn't a good anchor to hold on to, it was something that got brought up.

As F-ing stupid as this sounds, how do I implement consequences on an adult? I could change banks, tell her what to do(she hasn't exactly listened so far), take the car away, etc. 

I guess my point is, non of that is a fix, it's just going to make things worse. She has to make the choice, I can't do that for her. I could make it hard for her, but that won't change anything, just create more drama.


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## pylesrm

On another note, she broke down and told me last night she wants a divorce. Her basis is, "I'm trying to change her". I don't want her to go out as much and help around the house, that's how I'm trying to change her. To be fair, I have pushed her to get a different job, but only because of her horrible friend. 

She stated she "wants to be left alone" and is "tired of being told what to do, in her personal life." WTF?

I find it curious, and I told her this: we were doing OK for awhile, we even started going out. I went with her to a concert, then a club, I danced with her and everything. The next day, she came to me saying she thinks it went really well, and that it was good for us. I agreed with her. As soon as I approached her with this, she wants a divorce.


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## turnera

The consequence isn't done TO her. It's done because of her. It's what YOU do to protect yourself from further abuse. She takes your money, you restrict her access to it. She cheats on you, you remove yourself from her vicinity. It's not done to elicit a response in her. It's just a matter of integrity and what you'll accept.


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## JustTired

pylesrm said:


> On another note, she broke down and told me last night she wants a divorce. Her basis is, "I'm trying to change her". I don't want her to go out as much and help around the house, that's how I'm trying to change her. To be fair, I have pushed her to get a different job, but only because of her horrible friend.
> 
> She stated she "wants to be left alone" and is "tired of being told what to do, in her personal life." WTF?
> 
> I find it curious, and I told her this: we were doing OK for awhile, we even started going out. I went with her to a concert, then a club, I danced with her and everything. The next day, she came to me saying she thinks it went really well, and that it was good for us. I agreed with her. As soon as I approached her with this, she wants a divorce.


What is she, 12 years old?!?! The reason why she is saying that is because she knows you will STFU about her bad behavior. She is running all over you & you allow it. Like we have all stated before, she has NO consequences for her actions. No, you can't "ground" an adult but what you can do is show her you will not put up with BS with your actions.

What you need to do is start the 180. Separate ALL finances & you start living your life as if she was not in it. Start working out & doing things for you. Take care of the kids & home like you normally do, but don't include your wife. Don't show your wife any emotions, don't plead, don't beg, don't say $hit to her. Act like she is not your wife anymore (so to speak, don't go out there cheating - that will only make you just as bad). Have divorce (or separation) papers drawn up and tell her you are giving her what she wants, also speak to a lawyer about the legal way of getting her out of the house. 

In the beginning of the 180 she is going to rebel like a child. She will up the ante on her ridiculous behavior, don't feed into it. Just continue the course of your 180. 

The only problem with the 180 is that if you aren't ready for the fact that your marriage may end in divorce, you may not be successful with the 180. You may end up wavering & your wife will be able to sniff out your weakness. The 180 is set up to prepare you for life without your wife. The real question here is, are YOU ready to do the 180?


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## DoF

pylesrm said:


> She works in a massage place, doing skin care. She met her friend Aerin there, and like I said, that's when things went down hill. She started drinking and partying a lot, going out every single weekend, sometimes leaving on Friday and not coming back until Sunday. Mostly going out on a Saturday/Friday night, and not coming back, sometimes, until between 4-6 the next morning. To me, that seems insane. She smoked weed once, or twice. When she told me, I was LIVID.


You should be LIVID are DRINKING,PARTYING and going out for WEEKEND......long long LONG before "weed".

Just alcohol alone will make her careless.......it did, based on other actions.



pylesrm said:


> I am very much a home-body, I don't understand the point of going out and drinking and partying. She says clubbing "recharges her for the next week". That blew me away to the point, I didn't even have a response. It's that F-ing dumb.


Ok, I can't really go on or read anything past these 2 statements.

Your wife is simply NOT marriage/relationship/wife material. You 2 are in compatible and I would highly recommend that you get a divorce ASAP.

Her actions are that of a confused/ignorant teenager, not of a WOMAN that has KIDS and is MARRIED.

This one is a wrap. And yes your kids will be WAY better off when you 2 are divorced as currently they are absorbing EVERYTHING around them and TO THEM, current situation IS what they think relationship SHOULD BE.

So you HAVE been teaching them wrong lessons.......reagardless, kids should NOT be part of your decision of leaving the marriage. They will be just fine (and in your case better off) once you are divorced.

Let your wife go, heck, I take that back, your wife already let herself go and you already lost her.

Now you just need a stamp on it all/aka divorce.

PS. I would NOT recommend 180. Your wife does NOT deserve you and any special treatment to make her change her mind. She is simply immature and a party type, NOT the type of person I would want to be my wife/remain married too.

And let's assume "best case scenerio" and lets say she "changes". The scars of what she has already done are SET and will NEVER go away.

And let me tell you OP, you do NOT want to know or find out what she has been doing......trust me on this (and I already know you have a pretty good gut feeling what she has been up to).

DO NOT have sex with this girl and get STD test ASAP!!!! This would be my Step 1 before I call a lawyer and start divorce.


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## pylesrm

I am so completely overwhelmed. Me and family are getting together tonight for an intervention, then tomorrow for counseling from the VA. This is not the person I married, not even the person I knew three years ago. I know my wife is in there somewhere, and I can't give up, at least for the sake of the kids.

My wife has a very absorbing personality. She tends to emulate the people around her; if she hangs out with single people, she will act like a single person, if she associates with smart, hard working, dependable adults, that's how she acts. 

I am pulling in everything I can think of until I am convinced she is gone.


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## JustTired

pylesrm said:


> My wife has a very absorbing personality. She tends to emulate the people around her; if she hangs out with single people, she will act like a single person, if she associates with smart, hard working, dependable adults, that's how she acts.


So, she has done things like this before?


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## pylesrm

JustTired said:


> So, she has done things like this before?


Not like this, never. Like I said, I don't really remember THESE issues past two years ago.


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## pylesrm

I'm not a bad guy. I don't drink, I don't party or go out. I can go out, not drink, and have a great time. I don't do drugs, I don't try to make her do anything dangerous or illegal. I'm the reliable one that you always know where I'm at, I can always be reached, I make thing happen, I have healthy habits and so far, I treat her WAY better than she treats me. I'm my sons den leader for his scout pack, I helped other parents carve pumpkins last night, and it was an absolute blast. 

What have I done to deserve this?


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## FalconKing

pylesrm said:


> I'm not a bad guy. I don't drink, I don't party or go out. I can go out, not drink, and have a great time. I don't do drugs, I don't try to make her do anything dangerous or illegal. I'm the reliable one that you always know where I'm at, I can always be reached, I make thing happen, I have healthy habits and so far, I treat her WAY better than she treats me. I'm my sons den leader for his scout pack, I helped other parents carve pumpkins last night, and it was an absolute blast.
> 
> What have I done to deserve this?


Your wife seems to be simply not mature enough for marriage.


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## turnera

What have you done? Probably become too much of a Nice Guy. Women take advantage of Nice Guys. There has to be at least a little bit of 'dangerous guy' in you to keep her interested. Of course, now you're competing with the wild young 20s she never got to have, so there's that. Read the book No More Mr Nice Guy to see what we're saying.

How did the intervention go?


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## DoF

pylesrm said:


> I'm not a bad guy. I don't drink, I don't party or go out. I can go out, not drink, and have a great time. I don't do drugs, I don't try to make her do anything dangerous or illegal. I'm the reliable one that you always know where I'm at, I can always be reached, I make thing happen, I have healthy habits and so far, I treat her WAY better than she treats me. I'm my sons den leader for his scout pack, I helped other parents carve pumpkins last night, and it was an absolute blast.
> 
> What have I done to deserve this?


Life is not fair, accept it now.

I'm just curious how you allowed this to go on for so long. I would NOT be ok with my wife doing what your wife has been up to for 2 years.

I would've took action LONG LONG ago. 

Remember, by not doing ANYTHING about it (consequences) you are enabling her to keep going.

Here is what I would do:
a) no sex, no cooking for her/cleaning anything for her and also ask her to pay for 1/2 the bills etc.
b) tell her if nothing chances FAST you will proceed to divorce
c) give her 2 weeks > file away

You realize she has already put her self into situation where it would take an extremely strong person to not cheat correct? It's safe to assume that she has been cheating. We all know what party girls do and we all know the effects of alcohol and other drugs on people (it makes them not think right/vulnerable and careless).

If you can not accept her cheating, don't even bother talking to her > proceed to divorce.

And get that STD test done FAST if you have been intimate with her with no protection.

Good luck


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## pylesrm

Sorry I haven't been here for awhile. Long story short, divorce is going to happen, one way or the other. That's all I can say. Thanks for everything guys.


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