# How to handle a friend's infidelity



## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

I was on a trip with a colleague, a young man newly married. I went to his wedding, he's 25, she's 23, both go to my church and appear to be and want to be good decent people.

We also work together as we are crewmembers on an aircraft, we travel often and spend many nights away from home.

On night during a recent trip he had the misfortune of being in the cross-hairs of a ravishing beauty, he succumbed to her charms and woke up with the regret of know he'd cheated.

He asked me what he should do.

I said he had to confess, his wife was his best friend (as he'd said so many times) and not telling her was incomprehensible.

Another friend chimed in and said absolutely not and here's his reasoning:

1. This was a one time error, caveat, if this was repeated then he should tell but if this was in fact a true screw up then this was the exception not the rule
2. The easy thing would be to alleviate his guilt by telling, he needed to wait to ensure he wasn't telling for his own peace of mind
3. He is in the airline industry, his job is traveling, if he told his wife, everytime, repeat EVERYTIME he left for a trip she'd go out of her mind with the fact that he was possibly out there cheating again
4. Marriage is based upon a tenuous trust, once broken it can never be fully mended, if he tells her, then he is breaking up one of the cherished (albeit living a lie) elements/foundations of their togetherness, he takes that away from her
5. As twisted as it sounds, the noble thing may be to eat the pain of knowing the awful thing he'd done and protect his wife from the knowledge of his infidelity

All this is based upon the fact that if he makes the same mistake again he needs to get out of the marriage or tell her so she can decide.


I must admit that after hearing this counter argument I thought it over and am now in that corner, perhaps not telling, eating the guilt, and letting your significant other live her life in blissful ignorance may be for the best, again as long as it never happens again.

I expect this subject has been talked to death so if someone just wants to point me in the direction of a fully blogged response to this question then that would be appreciated.

thanks


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Yeah, he doesn't get to "eat his guilt".

What he needs to do is be a man and own his **** and be honest.

**** all that other bull**** and excuses.

IF he's lucky, she'll forgive and reconcile. 

If not, hes made his bed, he sleeps in it. It sucks. Trust me, I'm sleeping in my bed i made right now.

But not telling her is selfish, lying, self serving. SHE DESERVES TO KNOW.

Man the **** up and say what you did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Losinghim said it better than I ever could !!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He can't atone for his transgression w/o first being accountable for it, and that means confessing to it. Every word spent in advice to the contrary amounts to little more than cowardice.

And besides, the bullsh*t advice that this other "friend" gave is predicated upon the fact that the marriage will continue no matter what.

The bottom line is that your friend broke his marriage vows. Based on that alone, his wife deserves to determine for herself whether or not she wants to continue in this marriage. To not tell her deprives her of that choice, and that's wrong.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

This won't be popular, but a ONS, never to see OW who is basically a stranger again? I would not say a word and take it to my grave and live each day for my wife to atone for it. Of course he has to kill the two of you to remove any witnesses to his indiscretion.


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

Tell her so she can divorce him. She's too young and can find an honest man. 

He'll cheat again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

knobcreek said:


> This won't be popular, but a ONS, never to see OW who is basically a stranger again? I would not say a word and take it to my grave and live each day for my wife to atone for it. Of course he has to kill the two of you to remove any witnesses to his indiscretion.


Bullsh*t is rarely popular, at least to those who have little use for it.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Bullsh*t is rarely popular, at least to those who have little use for it.


There are shades of grey, an ongoing EA or PA are ongoing rejections of the spouse. A ONS while terrible and wrong, can possibly be attributed to one really really bad decision in a lifetime of good ones. I don't know that that means divorce and full disclosure is the best for both parties.

I guess the OP knows his friend the best, how likely is he to learn from this and never ever do it again? Or is he just a womanizer? I don't know to be honest.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

knobcreek said:


> There are shades of grey...


Nope. He cheated. In doing so, he broke his marriage vows, and she deserves to know.

This wasn't a mistake. He wasn't entranced. He's not a victim here.

He was propositioned and he succumbed to temptation. He made a WILLING, CONSCIOUS CHOICE to cheat.

And that's the only "shade" of anything that matters here.

Period.



knobcreek said:


> ...an ongoing EA or PA are ongoing rejections of the spouse. A ONS while terrible and wrong, can possibly be attributed to one really really bad decision in a lifetime of good ones. I don't know that that means divorce and full disclosure is the best for both parties.
> 
> I guess the OP knows his friend the best, how likely is he to learn from this and never ever do it again? Or is he just a womanizer? I don't know to be honest.


Blah blah blah blah blah


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Well you're right it has been talked to death on TAM here is your answer to this question in 2010:



manchild said:


> This is not tough at all
> 
> NO you shouldn't tell
> 
> ...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Adult decisions bring adult consequences. Hide from them and your still a child.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If he hides this from his W it will erode their relationship over time. The damage will be irreversable. If he hides it now, he will eventually rationalise it and do the same thing again. When people make mistakes, they will repeat them unless the consequences are enough incentive to not repeat them. He is in a high risk career. 
There will be no accountability if he hides it. It is only right that his W has the opportunity to decide whether she wants him or the marriage, he has no right to make that decision for her.
He must be a man, own up and take responsibility.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

I assume we all understand that some "rules" are meant to be overridden in the proper circumstances.

Here's an example. We ALL fib socially. That is, we ALL lie at times. It lubricates the social process and lets life go on. What do I mean? When someone asks me how I'm doing, I tell them "fine". I may be in severe muscular pain, but I keep it to myself.

And then there's "did you have a good day?" Again, I most often say yes, especially to my wife who otherwise would worry about all sorts of stuff there's no need to worry about. Note: I LIED to my wife. I broke an implied marriage vow. I need to be ripped to bits on TAM and then stoned to death.

Life is a jungle of mixed paths and sudden surprises. In the case here, if the WH tells his wife, she will never be able to trust him again. And what will be gained by anyone? Or perhaps the WH should just file for divorce without telling his wife why. Again, what does anyone gain by that?

In this life we all have to choose our own paths. There are no 100% totally guaranteed rules. I firmly believe that we should aim at leaving this world in better shape than we found it at birth. That's tricky. I don't pretend to have all the answers.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

This is an all or nothing proposition. How likely is it that he will never cheat again and can also can keep his secret forever? That's the conditions that make this a viable option but I would say it's very unlikely your young friend can do these things. So the argument is built on false assumptions (a straw man) because it's putting faith in the person who JUST cheated to never ever cheat and to always carry this burden. How in the world can we think this young man has the character to do those two things when he's just shown a lack of character.

So in theory I agree with what your friend has said. In reality however there are a 100 who should spill the beans for every one who shouldn't.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hmm...



kristin2349 said:


> Well you're right it has been talked to death on TAM here is your answer to this question in 2010:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is his wife a little child to be protected or an adult woman?

But it's all OK! Why? Because this tells us...



> [On night during a recent trip he had the misfortune of being in the cross-hairs of a ravishing beauty/QUOTE]
> 
> ...it was all the OWs fault!


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Is "asking you what he should do" his way of bragging about it?? 

When I did what I did, I even told my BFF it was only a kiss. And my BFF and I tell each other things that would make most people cringe. 

Did he have some great moral dilemma? 

Story just sounds kinda fishy to me. I don't think there's a "friend". I think OP is the person that did this.

Just my opinion fwiw
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He should not have sex with his wife till he can get a second round of STD checks in 6 months or he could be giving her a life changing disease. If this woman jumped him that quick, think how many other guys she has ridden.

She has the right to know what a POS her husband is and he can not be trusted. But it is her choice.

If he does not tell her and down the road she finds out and that you also knew....expect to be nixed as a friend. You knew and did not stop it and did not tell her....she will see you as a toxic friend and if she does not leave him she will make him cut you as a friend....and rightly so if you do not force his hand to her and help him keep his adultry secret.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Seriously? 

Oopsies! He must have tripped after a wardrobe malfunction exposed his meat & two veg! Incidentally, she was practicing the pantsless Charleston and next thing you know.... Out of nowhere... Not sure how it happened... Must have blacked out... Fast forward... Little did they realize... Whoda thunk... COLLISION!!! 

Sigh... If you want to be a friend of integrity, 2x4 some sense into your friend, then tell him he's not ready for marriage and should wait until he gets his desire for variety out of his system.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- this kind of information makes great fodder for gossip. He already ran his mouth by telling you and at least one other person. If I understand correctly, you all work and go to church together?

Not only should he tell because it is the responsible thing to do- he should also tell because his wife's odds of finding out re really high.

I do have to wonder why he was blabbing about the "ravishing beauty". Sounds like some degree of boasting.

He sounds like a real pig- hopefully he doesn't pass an STD to his wife.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think that it just makes it easier to do it again if there were no consequences the first time they did it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I think that it just makes it easier to do it again if there were no consequences the first time they did it.


Exactly. He is young and works in a industry that is notorious for flings and ons. Never doing it again usually lasts till the next time a "hot chick" flirts when he is on layover on a city far away. He got away with it once, he can get away with it again.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The TRUTH always matters. Period!


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

The cat is already out of the bag. It's just a matter of time. Best he tells his wife first because if she hears about it elsewhere it will be all that much worse.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Just so you know where I'm coming from, I am a former cheater. So, I've been there. 

Your friend made the decision to cheat. There are many moments between chatting and having sex. At any one of those moments, he could have stopped what was happening. He didn't. When he came to each of those moments, he chose to continue. Now he needs to accept responsibility for his choices and tell his wife the truth.

He danced. Now it's time to pay the piper.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

knobcreek said:


> There are shades of grey, an ongoing EA or PA are ongoing rejections of the spouse. A ONS while terrible and wrong, can possibly be attributed to *one really really bad decision* in a lifetime of good ones. I don't know that that means divorce and full disclosure is the best for both parties.
> 
> I guess the OP knows his friend the best, how likely is he to learn from this and never ever do it again? Or is he just a womanizer? I don't know to be honest.


Except it's not one bad decision.

They meet. They talk. At some point there's realisation there's a connect or if he was "pursued" then he recognises what is happening.
The night ends, they move to the room. He enters the room. He takes off his clothes... you get the picture.

Even for whatever reason it took say, half and hour..which I doubt but let's go with that. That's still 30 minutes, if you say a a minute to decide what he's doing is wrong, a minute to think of his wife at home, 30 times to decide, 30 mistakes so to speak.

I say it takes a second to decide no I don't want to do this. So the problem is not a one time "mistake" or "misjudgement" but a cascade of decisions all leading up to and past the point of sex.

And whatever happened to honesty and accountability? If you're man enough to have sex with another woman, then you're grown enough to be accountable for your actions but most importantly share this information with the one person you're meant to cherish, share all life's major decisions with.

Are those not the tenets of marriage?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Satya said:


> Seriously?
> 
> Oopsies! He must have tripped after a wardrobe malfunction exposed his meat & two veg! Incidentally, she was practicing the pantsless Charleston and next thing you know.... Out of nowhere... Not sure how it happened... Must have blacked out... Fast forward... Little did they realize... Whoda thunk... COLLISION!!!
> 
> Sigh... If you want to be a friend of integrity, 2x4 some sense into your friend, then tell him he's not ready for marriage and should wait until he gets his desire for variety out of his system.


*Oh, come on @Satya! Everyone knows that he got hot, removed his clothes to the point of nakedness, and then just accidentally "fell" on her!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Oh, come on @Satya! Everyone knows that he got hot, removed his clothes to the point of nakedness, and then just accidentally "fell" on her!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


... Repeatedly. 



OK, I'll stop now. Just smh sometimes at the posts we get here...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

His only moral choices are:

1) Confess to her, and quit his travel job. Work hard, and it is hard, to earn back his marriage. She may or may not be able to stay married to him.

2) Divorce her without confessing. If he isn't capable of being honest with her, he doesn't deserve to be married to her. While I can't think of a nice way to go this route, he would be saving her the anguish of knowing he cheated. But she wouldn't know why he was divorcing her. So this isn't a good plan but it is a morally acceptable plan.

She deserves to know the truth and to make informed decisions about her own life. She has many decades of life ahead of her, and she has the right to live those in the way she wants.

Untold secrets do undermine a relationship. Even if he decides not to tell her, and even if he is faithful forever more, their marriage will be damaged by his actions.

Keeping the secret is an ongoing violation of his marriage vows. He broke his vows when he cheated, but if he doesn't confess he is continuing to break vows every single day.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

*1. This was a one time error, caveat, if this was repeated then he should tell but if this was in fact a true screw up then this was the exception not the rule*...seriously? Cheating isn't an "error", it's an on purpose, calling it an error is nothing more than a way of minimizing what he did. Didn't you say he goes to church, isn't infidelity against the 10 commandments? Does breaking one of the Ten commandments sound like an error to you?

*2. The easy thing would be to alleviate his guilt by telling, he needed to wait to ensure he wasn't telling for his own peace of mind.*...Really? Alleviating his guilt? How about manning up and taking responsibility for his bad "decision"? It's not up to him anymore, it's up to his wife if she wants to stay married, he already broke his vows . 

3.* He is in the airline industry, his job is traveling, if he told his wife, everytime, repeat EVERYTIME he left for a trip she'd go out of her mind with the fact that he was possibly out there cheating again. *.......And? He cheated, this is one on the reasons she may want to divorce him. Again, consequences for cheating .

*4. Marriage is based upon a tenuous trust, once broken it can never be fully mended, if he tells her, then he is breaking up one of the cherished (albeit living a lie) elements/foundations of their togetherness, he takes that away from her*...... News flash, he already broke her trust. Now he's being advised to continually lie and mislead her into believing he is still trustworthy. how do you think that will go over "when" she finds out? How do you think it's going to go over "when" she finds out and tells everyone at church "you" covered for him?

*5. As twisted as it sounds, the noble thing may be to eat the pain of knowing the awful thing he'd done and protect his wife from the knowledge of his infidelity.*...More self serving justification, a real man owns his mistakes, a coward hides them in the dark, along with his true character. You may want to ask this man how often he cheats, he's got self serving justification down pat!

If you truly want to help your friend atone for this, encouraging him to tell his wife and get counseling is the best. Also suggest he tell her he "was caught in the cross hairs of a ravishing beauty", so she understands it wasn't his fault. Total sarcasm, he's victimizing himself when the only unwilling victim is his wife! Tell him to put his big boy pants on and do the right thing and give his wife the choice to stay married, after all he got to choose....now it's her turn.

FYI, I found out over two years after the fact, we are now divorced. Time doesn't make it go away, it makes it a bigger problem .


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

knobcreek said:


> Of course he has to kill the two of you to remove any witnesses to his indiscretion.


I know a couple of old boys. :smile2:



tpdallas said:


> He'll cheat again.


Most likely. If you cross the line, there is a weakness and maybe an inherent belief that the average joe doesnt have the wherewithal to control.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The consequences of 'the guilty conscience' only go so far to stop it from happening again. Time will fade his guilt just enough for him to say, 'I got away with it then, now I have another ravishing beauty casting her spell. Looks like a go!'

He needs the serious consequences that come from telling the truth. He needs to see for himself what his betrayal does to the heart of his supposed true love.

Otherwise, he'll cheat again. He's newly married and has already cheated once. What a louse.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

manchild said:


> I was on a trip with a colleague, a young man newly married. I went to his wedding, he's 25, she's 23, both go to my church and appear to be and want to be good decent people.
> 
> We also work together as we are crewmembers on an aircraft, we travel often and spend many nights away from home.
> 
> ...


I'd say you're about to learn something about your friend. I put off and put off telling my wife. Then word got out about my "alleged affair." It was cool, I prepped for this. I had covered all bases. Then one of my very good friends, who's wife confronted me in a very accusatory fashion, said, "I don't believe for one second that 'thebirdman' would ever do anything like that." Ok, I hadn't prepared for that. That was the point at which I knew it had gone out of my control. My friend had so much faith in me that he was willing to stake his reputation on my integrity. I couldn't allow that. My D-Day was the following day. My wife was the first person I told. My friend was the second. 

Thing is, it's not a "one time thing." It's a lie that forms a tear in the relationship fabric. That "tear" will always exist and it will haunt your friend forever unless he does something about it. It will weaken the whole relationship. In order to fix the tear, he's going to have to first acknowledge that it's there. He will have to take full responsibility for it because he is the one who caused it. There are no guarantees that it will be fixed, but it is possible. 
A marriage built on lies does not work. Absolute honesty is a must. Sometimes being honest sucks; Especially when it means admitting you failed.


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

manchild said:


> I was on a trip with a colleague, a young man newly married. I went to his wedding, he's 25, she's 23, both go to my church and appear to be and want to be good decent people.
> 
> *He should try a little harder.*
> 
> ...


Let me touch on the most important aspect of this. You say you and your friend go to church together, I'll assume that this actually means something to you and you're not just going there out of force of habit or for cultural reasons. So why not ask the real question? What does the bible say about it? About being truthful, especially to the one you've wronged? Did Christ not say "The truth shall set you free and you shall be free indeed." Does his word not command us to do so?

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." -James 5:16

Who does the bible refer to as "The father of lies"? HINT: It isn't Jesus. If you are sincere in your faith then you already know the correct answer to your question. Some will argue that there is no truly right answer, but if your faith is in Christ then you know that to be a lie since he says so right in his own word. People only speak of shades of gray about such black and white issues cause their moral foundation is frail or they're looking for an "out" so they can unburden themselves from doing what they know to be right. I would advise you and your friend to go to the "great physician" and see what his word has to say about the matter.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> I assume we all understand that some "rules" are meant to be overridden in the proper circumstances.
> 
> Here's an example. We ALL fib socially. That is, we ALL lie at times. It lubricates the social process and lets life go on. What do I mean? When someone asks me how I'm doing, I tell them "fine". I may be in severe muscular pain, but I keep it to myself.
> 
> ...


What you have said it right to a certain extent, however there is a big difference between a 'fib' as you put it and committing adultery, you are not comparing like with like at all.
If he does not tell his wife, their marriage will be a lie, if she does find out eventually and there is always that possibility, then what will she gain only great heartbreak? Not owning up is a very selfish act. 
Owning up to his 'mistake' (though I am loath to see how sticking his **** in someone else is a mistake!), will either make them or break them, otherwise that will always be between them whether she knows or not.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I've been in the airline business for 20 years. There are several kinds of people who are in this industry. There are some who do it for the travel benefits, health benefits, and a paycheck. There are some who are in it for the kind of work they do. They like flying airplanes or they like working with passengers as a flight attendant. Then there are the ones who are in it for the party lifestyle.

I'm guessing your friend is in the latter group. Most young people are. They like partying on the road. They like going out to new places, new clubs, and meeting new people. They have little life at home base, with most of their socializing happening on the road.

I'm guessing this isn't the first time your friend has hooked up on a trip. It may be the first time he cheated on his wife since they've been married, but he has probably had flings before this one.

Being in the travel industry doesn't make one more likely to cheat, but it does make it easy if one is inclined to cheat. Free hotel rooms, distant cities where nobody but your crew know who you are, and a good pickup line to use in the bar by saying you're flight crew.

Your friend has to quit his job or he will cheat again. Guaranteed. If he wrongly chooses not to tell his wife, if he intends to remain faithful forever more, he needs to find a new job where he is home every single night.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I think he should tell his wife. She deserves to know,after all she is his wife and best friend.

Why living in lie ?

I put myself in your shoes and if that man is my friend I would demand from him to tell the truth or I would tell. 

Second I would ask myself a question why is he my friend? Who needs friends like that.

Maybe you will disagree with my post but this is my opinion my friend.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Is his wife a little child to be protected or an adult woman?


It's more like a pet than a little child, even if a pet and a little child are the same.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Do the right thing even if he chooses not to.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You're both church-goers. I'm not, but I believe there's some kind of commandment forbidding what he did, and some sort of statement that seems important: "Then you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."

Again, not my area, but if you both belong to the Christian faith, what needs to be done seems pretty straightforward.

"If you don't tell her, I will."


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