# I Don't Understand...



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

...When during conflict a man has to be "coached" to say what is needed to be heard... Why they allow their actions show they don't care, (when they say they do...product of coaching?)... Why more harmful things are said, rather than acknowledgments and understanding... Why they shut and ignore someone obviously and requesting reassurance. I just had a fight with my husband and wondering why we're married if he seems to care so little about the needs of someone who he supposedly loves? The way he acts during conflict reflect no concern, validation and certainly not teamwork. In marriage class we learned to ask for what we need - I'm finding that being so vulnerable subjects me to a lot of criticisms, accusations, guilt trips and stonewalling. He's always right, I'm always worthless. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

its not all men. 
People are wired differently.
Some are mature and able to understand beyond themselves.
Some are not there yet.
Women are this way too, and I know you did not mean to lump all men into one category.

And not all women are able to vocalize what they need so kudos to you.
I wish my stbxw would have vocalized something, been available to communication about issues.
rather than run out, have an affair, and upon discovery of it, immediately ask for a divorce from me.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

So sorry to hear about your stbxw. Communication is difficult, especially when you feel attacked and judged for doing so... as is my case.

No, I did not mean ALL men are like this, but many are, and you are absolutely right... Many women are as well.

I get so frustrated at being shut out, unable to explain myself in a way that allows my husband to remain open and understanding.

He never seems to want to talk to me anymore, and even though we have major issues going on, (i.e. pregnancy), he is content to go about each day without a care in the world, (except HIS problems, of course), leaving me to do all of the worrying, wondering and asking. 

Is there a successful way around this?? Is there a way I can get him to be stimulated and interested in discussing things without becoming a shut-down, defensive, derailing and avoiding person?

It hurts that he doesn't support me, or take an interest in how I'm feeling or needing.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Unfortunately many men shutdown their minds when their wives are trying to address a problem in their marriage because they perceive it as an attack on them. How the message is delivered can be just as important as the message itself. Is this the case in your situation? If it is, then you have to change the delivery of the message so that his mind will allow the message through. But let's say that you have done this and he still continues to ignore you, then you may want to consider having a 3rd party, such as one of his family members, talk to him and warn him that if he doesn't get with the program that the marriage's days are numbered. He might take this seriously since it is not just your perception anymore but that of another person close to him as well.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

That is good idea... and he has unwittingly done this to himself in the past, (complained to his family for support, and then they end up telling him he needs to be there for me). He even called me in tears crying after speaking to his mom, once. I didn't dare say I told you so. I start crying too, and I told him it was okay and that I didn't hate him. I didn't want this beautiful, open side of him to ever go...

Moving moments like that are very difficult to get him to experience... and I have tried phrasing 'my' problems with things like "I" statements, and framing up so that I'm not accusing or attacking, but just talking. He just doesn't seem interested. :/

We have been having problems with his lying and my trust issues lately, no doubt that is compounding the problems. 

He hasn't had a serious relationship before me, nor lived with another woman that wasn't family, so maybe this all just takes time to work out?? We are about to celebrate our one-year anniversary, of our first date, so things are still very new for us...

I just wish there was a way I could get him to open his eyes and see that I need him to be a partner to me... not just leave me to fend for myself. (Of course, if I said this he would just exclaim that I need to be more 'independant').


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Yinpriness some of the things you say sound exactly like what my ex use to say to or about me. Communication is very important but when it comes to problem solving it can't be just talk, talk, talk, for me and maybe lots of men it has to end in some sort of results or we just give up.

Here's a typical conversation with my ex;

Her; I need a new saddle, it will be $1500.
Me; Don't buy it right now, we only have enough money in the checking to pay the bills. 

Next day.....
Her; Hey, check out my new saddle.
Me; I told you not to buy it right now because we didn't have the money.
Her; I'm not stupid! I didn't use the checking, I used the credit card. Why do you always criticize me?

Next day....
Her; Hey, check out my new riding boots, they were on sale for $250!
Me; What don't you understand about not spending any money right now?
Her; You said we didn't have money to buy a saddle, you didn't say anything about new boots! You REALLY need to learn to communicate better and stop being so petty.

Next day....
Her; Hey, check this out, I was at (somewhere) today and saw this for...
Me; Damn it, if you went out and spent more money I think my head is going to explode! Why can't you just listen to me for once? 
Her; I do listen, quit treating me like a baby, I didn't charge anything or use the checking, I took money out of the savings. I'm sick and tired of being treated like I'm stupid, you never support me, you always criticize me. (her to herself..I think I'll just go have sex with my boyfriend, he doesn't care when I spend money) 

Next day....
She walks in carrying something new, I look at her, at the new thing, throw down whatever I'm doing and walk away. When she comes to bed at night she asks why I'm so pissy, I don't say anything. She then lays into me about my poor communication skills, how she needs to talk about things, how I'm a typical man who just shuts down and wont discuss things....blah,blah,blah. I lay there and pray for a meteor strike so everything will just be over...

OK, back to today..sorry for too many words! I used spending as an example but it's an overview of how our communication was about everything, money, social things, kids, etc. My point is take a good hard look at how you and your husband communicate and what results you're looking for, maybe he's a jerk and just doesn't care, or maybe you're a taker and he just is tired of giving. Are you talking to him or at him? Do you ask for advice and take it or ignore it? Maybe he's just not happy and doesn't know what to do about it. I'm not trying to make things sound like your fault, just giving a little different perspective to think about.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks, Cooper. I'm all about looking at me, to make me happy with him being happy as well!!

I know my husband cares, I really do. I also know that he has difficulties in relating his feelings, so I may ask him things like, "What is your opinion of...?" or "I feel sad when we don't talk about important things..." etc. I'm trying really hard to remember what I learned in marriage class about effective communication.

I think the most frustrating thing for me is, when I ask him how or what he's feeling... and I get responses like, "Drained" "tired" "fatigued".

I appreciate the imput, but sometimes I want to hear "glad" "upset" "content" etc.

I've tried explaining this, but I guess I make him feel criticized for not giving the "right" answer... I just want to know where his emotions are... and I understand that's difficult enough for men!!

Thank you again, any other ideas on how to approach him will be extremely helpful!!

(P.S. and I want to do it in a way where he doesn't have to feel like he's changing who he is... just expressing himself better... if that makes sense).


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Thanks, Cooper. I'm all about looking at me, to make me happy with him being happy as well!!
> 
> I know my husband cares, I really do. I also know that he has difficulties in relating his feelings, so I may ask him things like, "What is your opinion of...?" or "I feel sad when we don't talk about important things..." etc. I'm trying really hard to remember what I learned in marriage class about effective communication.
> 
> ...



If he is giving you the awnsers of "drained" "tired" "fatigued" its probibly because thats how he feels. You should never ask a question if you don't want an honest awnser. It takes a lot for most men to open up so you may need to lead him a bit, but don't just expect to tell him you want him to be honest and then be upset when its not the awnser you are looking for.
As far as him just giving you a one word awnser ask him to elaborate or maybe ask if their is anything you can do to help. At this point start rubbing his back or his feet and begin to strike up a conversation. At this point it will probibly be a bit easier getting him to open up. For a man it takes "coaching" or probibly more appropriate coaxing to communicate like a woman. It just doesn't come natural.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks, UpHill... I guess what I mean when I want to know how he feels I mean emotionally, not physically... That is what I mean! LOL! Maybe I could articulate that a little bit!  I guess you could feel 'drained' emotionally as well.  I wasn't trying to be upset when he provides the "wrong" answer... 

I think the idea of using affection could be helpful... he is a very physically affectionate person with me and he would probably respond well... I will definitely give it a go! (Funny - that never even occured to me before).

It also never occured to me that I wanted him to communicate like a woman. I mean, when we have important things to talk about I just want him to be able to tell me how he feels, and what he tends to say is: "I don't know" "It's you're choice" -- Answer a question with a question... Change the subject, etc.

Calling him on these 'communication errors' might make me seem critical indeed... Is there a way I can get him to stay on subject or answer my question without become critical and attacking?

I'm trying to learn and teach "active listening' and although the idea is simple, he can't or won't implement the technique to cultivate understanding between us. I'm not sure what exactly he is having difficulty with... He is a very intelligent person, but I cannot seem to explain it in an efficient way.

No, I do not want him to be a woman. I love him as he is... I just want our communication skills to improve.


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## MarriageFellApart (Aug 20, 2011)

I am new here, and I was touched by your candid question. I believe that most men are wired to not be in touch with feelings or emotions. Not all men, just some. My wife left yesterday, and some of what you said, she said to me. It hits home, and I hope you can find some peace, and YOU ARE NOT worthless!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

matthew11093 said:


> Every family has its cupboard, learn to deal with it! If you are NOT brave, who is strong for you?


Actually, Matthew... I have no choice but to "deal with it" and what I'm trying to do is deal with it BETTER.

You see, it is not just me that suffers, my husband also suffers and is frustrated by our inability to communicate. (He's just not as proactive as I am). When one of us is unhappy, so is the other.

I hope this isn't the advice you give to everyperson. I'm sure it isn't the advice you would want someone to give to you when you are seeking betterment and understanding.

To just "deal with it" is to stagnate, not progress.



MarriageFellApart said:


> I am new here, and I was touched by your candid question. I believe that most men are wired to not be in touch with feelings or emotions. Not all men, just some. My wife left yesterday, and some of what you said, she said to me. It hits home, and I hope you can find some peace, and YOU ARE NOT worthless!


Hi Marriage. Firstly I want to say that I am sorry your wife left. I hope that she is simply taking time to reflect, and to allow you to reflect as well. I understand that communication has to be learned, and it's a skill that can be difficult to utilize.

I believe you are right about men not being as in touch with their emotions... actually it's a beautiful thing 'we' emotional types maybe admire. I also believe it has to do with upbringing. My husband was brought up an only child by his grandparents for the most part, who are dedicated Christians, (nothing wrong with that), and that he was expressly humiliated and/or invalidated for having some emotions natural to a child.

Because of this he has learned to become passive-aggressive in order to cope. We are working on this together, and it's taking time, and there are many, many mistakes along the way.

Furthermore, I need to change my /feeling/belief that his 'automatic' responses are personal. I can see that it will take time for him to see the counter-productiveness of his actions/inactions...

In the end, I think understanding my spouse, and modifying my behavior is the most productive thing I can do.

I wish you well... I know this is a very difficult time for you.


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## MarriageFellApart (Aug 20, 2011)

I wish you the very best as well, hopefully today brings about you feeling a little more at peace. In my particular situation, the wife left my in Florida, and went home to her inlaws in PA. Furthermore, she is silent mode, driving me crazy not knowing where I stand.

Take care!


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