# Isn't it amazing how every day in a separation you learn something new?



## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Well today H called and said he was pretty much broke($11) and freaked out and told me I needed to give him $700 I told him no that I couldn't and that this wasn't suppose to be easy and maybe it is so hard for a reason:scratchhead:

A fight(on his side broke out....I refused to fight and stayed calm) He pretty much told me that UNLESS I give him $350(he figured this was a comprise) that he would NEVER give us a chance and would forever hold this against me....that I just want him to fail and have to come crawling back to me! I told him that resenting me the rest of his life was a sad sad way to live. That I had been praying for him and don't want him to fail what so ever. I just didn't understand after 11 years and 2 children why he was not even willing to give therapy a chance. He then told me that he wouldn't even CONSIDER therapy if I didn't help him because his account(my name is still on that account) was going to be over drafted/closed and he wasn't going to be able to pay it off. Oh and that he was going to have to move into a slum where the boys couldn't go to...I would NEVER allow them at the place he was talking about...its really really bad!

He then told me that I needed to give him space...I told him I have and he agreed but he said that he couldn't 'work' on himself with all the worrying about how he was going to eat/drive/live. 

Well I am going to give him a couple hundred dollars to get by BUT I realized something in all of this. He has a lot of anger in him and has absolutely no interest in working on himself or us right now. I am NOT going to let him walk away with blaming me for because I didn't try or DESTROYED him with $$$. 

I have been working on myself(I know I have a long way....he even someone what 'mocked' that I was turning to God )I will NOT give him that power over me to blame me for everything. He is going to get his couple of hundred of dollars to pay for our child's dentist and food. 

It is on him now. He will no longer be able to hold the little he gave me in savings over my head. He is on his own as I am. I feel like I am turning a new leaf and there will be many many more. I have poured my heart asking him to come back or even just give therapy a chance for our boys he doesn't want to. I can know longer put anymore in energy and time worrying about the DAY/MOMENT he tells me we were worth it. 

I prayed and asked for some clarity I guess today I got it....


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Good for you. I have been there - still am. Once you stop giving them power over you it will start to get easier. 

My stb-xw keeps telling me I should not let our kids go without while they are with her. She wants me to provide above and beyond what I'm being ordered to. Meanwhile she is not following what the court ordered with regards to shared bills and the kids tell me they don't have basic stuff while mom buys new clothes and spends all of her time with the OM. 

Flip side is she and the OM tell me I'm spoiling the kids. Uh, no. I just give them what they need and they are thankful. I give you what I'm ordered and you squander it. That's the truth.

Once you see past the lies and stick up for yourself it will become clear who really needs help. Kudos to you


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Help239 I feel like honestly I have more clarity then I have in a very long time. Today the things he said made it crystal clear. I am under no assumption that he is even going to consider working on it....and it pains me to write that or even think that but I am going to be honest with myself from this moment on. I take full responsibility for the things that went on but I also need to realize that he had NO problems sneaking around with another women or as he called it a friend.

I was willing to fight I was willing to pretty much not even ask him to CHANGE but try to change for him. I am changing for myself and my children. 

Even with all of this bull**** I am happy with who I am becoming I feel like I am finally breaking down a brick wall around my soul. I am sorry he doesn't want to be part of that but I wont let it define me anymore. 

I will not give him control to say that it was ME that didn't help him so he hated me. That I didn't want to fight.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

You are wise to realize this so early on. It looks me some time.

'a friend' - that's what my stb-xw calls the OM that LIVES with her since Jan. The reason she wouldn't give us a chance when she filed back in Oct. I tried my best to save the family for 2 months. But she declined to even try.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Yep, he needs to find himself and work on himself but he has never once mentioned working on THIS FAMILY. Only I have brought it up. I sincerely hope he finds himself and becomes a better person, but I am not going to sit her and cling on to hope with every text message or when he smiles at me. He has made his choice and now will have to live with it. He was too wound up in other things to even give us a chance....he just 'couldn't put himself back into it' This is fine. 

I am not angry....hurt yes but no anger. I would still love for our family to be together again BUT I realize I can't force him to want to change or to be here. 

I know I will be happy I know this.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I don't even know what to say but karma is the only word that comes to mind. I include myself on that, some of us did something or A LOT, to be in this awful situation. 

Some of us are just in the slums sentimentally, some others well they brought themselves into their own economic crisis.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Stbxhmaybe- H has always had issues the only reason we even have any savings right now is because I had to completely take control of it. In my heart dont think this will be the last time H has issues with money he can not manage it and when I say he is in debt it is extensive. He has never spent $$$ on big things but will widdle away at money in his pocket on fast food ect. Even if he has the money to pay a bill he wont till it is extremely over due. This is not a man that doesn't have a good job he just can't manage his money. I guess I need not concern myself of it because he has made it very clear it is not any of my damn business after I give him this money....


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

FSW~

I am glad to see that the light of day has shined on your husband, his anger, and the man he truly is right now (rather than the illusion you had of what you "thought" he was). I'm also glad to hear you sounding like your head is a bit more together and with a little bit of strength in our walk. Good for you!

I would still advise that you do not give him the money to get by!! He has GOT to learn some time about the consequences of his choices to leave and mismanage money. However, if out of the kindness of your heart you do choose to do it this ONE TIME please be sure you say out loud to him that this is a favor out of the kindness of your heart ONE TIME and that the way to ask a favor of someone is not to threaten them or scream. *I personally think you are rewarding his bad behavior but that's just me!*   I will leave it to you to decide for yourself but I strongly urge you to reconsider. 

Finally, throughout all of this, in the end he would be the one who has to choose to end the affair and want to come home. Ultimately there is nothing you can do to "make" him do it. But you can make the affair an uncomfortable choice; make it less appealing by stripping it of it's fantasy "the grass is greener"; and make home more appealing by actually working on you. Thus I would encourage you to take this time to go to counseling on your own for your own issues, to learn to stop the actions you did that slowly extinguished love in him, and to learn to restart the actions that kindle love. By focusing on YOU and not getting sucked into his drama and consequences, you make home look appealing and stable, whereas the affair and OW look less and less good. Amazingly, when the true light of day is shined on the affair--there's gray hairs, wrinkles, no money and nagging in addition to someone who's not willing to honor their commitments! The minute they don't "make each other happy" they'll be looking elsewhere! 

So yeah--focus on you. Make life for you and the children financially secure even if you have to cut back a little. Find help for yourself to be a better woman. Good for you!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree that you must make it very clear you will never give him $$ again, and that he is "on his own." He chose it, so he MUST live with the consequences--and I don't mean that in an angry way; it is just the way it is. 

Really, you need to tell him not to contact you unless he's ready to come home (if you even want that now). Set up an intermediary to communicate about the kids if necessary--if he's going to pull this type of b.s., then you need to set up a very firm boundary. Pick someone he will not manipulate and to whom he will be unlikely to give sob stories--a neutral person, not esp. close to either of you. If you have an attorney, use the attorney's office if possible. Arrange to exchange kids in a neutral, public place, and make it clear there will be no conversation about anything except what is immediate to the kids ("Did you remember to pack the baby's bunny?" kind of thing.)

Let him say whatever he wants (not to you; don't answer his number, and hang up if he figures that out and tries from another phone). Who cares? He may call you a cold hearted-b*tch, but you know the truth--it is just the way it is when one is alone, and that's what he needs to learn. Good luck.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Well I have a small/big update I gave him $200 and it was well worth it....It showed me a lot of things and also gave me back my power....not the power of the situation but my power. 

He came over and asked for the money and I gave it too him and I pretty much said that was it. He also said that it would end all arguments about money....he later proved himself wrong. 

When he brought our kids back I mentioned him that I found a couple more daycares and gave him prices. This is extremely hard for me I have been a SAHM and our youngest is still a young toddler and never been away from me. Well he quickly reacted to the numbers saying he could not afford it ect. When I mentioned getting a 2nd job to cover his expenses he FLEW OFF THE HANDLE! Telling me I hadn't changed and never will. 

I looked right at him and told him I was changing and I was obviously never going to be able to prove to him and that was OK it wasn't going to stop me from being happy. He then told me 'FINE I WILL JUST COME HOME' and started to go off. I then looked right at him and very calmly said, 'You are being mean and spiteful and it is not very flattering' He then started to say we should just do shared custody so he doesn't have to pay child support....no way in HELL this will happen....I am not even worried. He has access to the kids when ever he wants them and just is upset about the $$$. 

I have come to the conclusion he has to try to make this a fight or try to trigger me because he can't justify it to himself for leaving. Its hard to leave someone that is trying and being nice...it is a lot easier to leave a person who doesn't give a f*&K and being mean. 

He has a lot of anger and it is very disturbing. I feel very sorry for him I think he is realizing it was not what he thought it was going to be.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> ... Really, you need to tell him not to contact you unless he's ready to come home (if you even want that now). Set up an intermediary to communicate about the kids if necessary--if he's going to pull this type of b.s., then you need to set up a very firm boundary. Pick someone he will not manipulate and to whom he will be unlikely to give sob stories--a neutral person, not esp. close to either of you. If you have an attorney, use the attorney's office if possible. Arrange to exchange kids in a neutral, public place, and make it clear there will be no conversation about anything except what is immediate to the kids ("Did you remember to pack the baby's bunny?" kind of thing.)


Yep! You got it! I personally recommend Parenting Notebook. The Parenting Notebook seeks to fulfill two roles: to provide a database where family information can be shared in a secure environment, and to give children a forum where their voices will be heard. Calendars, contact lists, emergency information, medical concerns, schedules, activities and more are all available to family members you designate.

You and your hubby sign up and all communication is through there. That way if he does rant or try to twist your words, etc. it is right there, in black and white, as a written document for any attorney or judge to see--admissible as evidence in a custody hearing. Block him on phone, facebook, email, etc. so you don't have to deal with his rants (you have enough going on). Tape record every meeting with him and just say, "I am tape recording this meeting. If you stay and continue to talk I will take that as your consent to tape it. If you do not consent please go ahead and leave now." That way either you have everything legally recorded OR you don't have to listen to his anger! Win-WIN!! :smthumbup:


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I am going to check out that parenting notebook to be honest I don't see him agree to anything even like that. I will say he has been an amazing dad to our kids and I would like to think he would not change that and I can say I cant foresee that happening....it is the one thing I can say he is amazing at. 

With all that said I will not take him badgering me and making feel like crap either. My job is to make this a happy home for our children. I have begged for almost a month for him to just GIVE US A CHANCE and he isn't willing right now. I can't do anymore other then work on myself. I know that is why he is being so damn mean right now because deep down he wants me to fight with him.....it makes it easier for him  

I want my family back but I will never go back to living the way we were. I don't honestly know what else I can do other then wait for him. I feel bad saying this but the other day I think I wrote I wish he would just be mean to me instead of playing with my emotions....I guess you shouldn't ask for something unless you really want it. He is showing such an ugly ugly side right now.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

finallyseewhy-After reading your posts, if I didn't know better I would think we are married to the same man! I have heard almost the exact same statements and seen the same behaviors, I tried hard for 4 months to get him to work on the marriage, but now I realize he had stopped caring all together. My husband was also a good father, but as time goes by he seems to only want to see the children so he can fight with me about it. He makes excuses to cut his time short with them and has no patience with them. I fear as he continues with his affair he will lose interest in them all together.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

cmf-we might of been lol! The really messed up thing is the side of him I have seen the last 3 months and even more so the last month is so disturbing to me. It is like I am with Jekyll and Hyde and it is not as if we have only known each for a few years....we have been together for over 11


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

That is exactly as I have described my husband to others. One day he can be very friendly to me and the next day irritable and snappy. Lately, he treats me much worse than he treats strangers. Prior to him leaving, the children and I walked on eggshells around him. Everything upset him and he would start arguments with me over nothing. Sometimes I think he is mentally ill, but it seems to be common behaviors for men in affairs too. When I confronted him about having an affair 3 months ago, he went nuts and raged at me for over 2 months to the point I stopped all communication with him and was frightened. He went off on my father when he told him to stop and then had his mother call and verbally abuse me. To punish me ( I guess) he stopped paying support too. I have said to him on several occasions that I don't recognize him anymore. Legal involvement calmed him down for about 2 weeks and he was on best behavior and we were getting along the best we had since separating. He started back up with the irritability and anger over this past week-end- his mother was in town. I'm thinking they act like this because of guilt.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

This started 3 months ago for me and it was a long time coming I guess his co-worker/friend/ow bull**** took a turn after several years. I am still trying to process how you change/get so wrapped up in a situation. 

This sounds messed up but I truly mean it...I hope that his 'relationship' with her is very happy and last a very long time because he was willing to throw his whole family away for it. 

I have been very lucky because when it comes to support I have had no problems getting it. If anything I am wayyyy on top when it comes to who got what.


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## Anna11 (May 26, 2010)

OMG my h has the same attitude irritate with everything even the dog he punish our poor little dog...I think they're mentally crazy


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Not sure if this is in relation to all your situations but I found myself getting more and more irritated with my wife a few years ago..every little thing she did really started to irritate me..I hated myself for feeling the way I did..now some days were great but always reverted back to being an a-hole..she was always great and loving but the constant nagging started about the sametime..I recently found out during our separation that I didn't have the passion or desire for her that she deserved..she finally left me 2 months ago after 17yr marriage...I truly want to have that passion and desire for my wife I once did..I'm just having a hard time getting it back..and it might even be futile of me to try..she might not have any left for me either..It is a sad situation when even 1 spouse loses those 2 things..passion alone, desire alone or love alone will not work..all 3 elements must be there or the marriage is going to stagnate.. JMO


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

UPDATE:

Well the other day H came over and I was very emotional not because of him but it was the 1st day our children went to day care(only 3 hrs and I don't even have a job but we wanted to see how it went) He grabbed me and asked what was wrong and he ended up kissing me and telling me he was miserable the last few days and missed me and wanted to spend the day with me and make love.  He came back after he dropped of the kids and to be honest it went great. He was very open about his feelings ect and it felt like we really connected on a deep level. I said something when we were together that I didn't know where it came from. I told him that I loved him, wanted him to come back, but I wouldn't let him break me. 

Well today he came over today to bring me somewhere I needed him to bring me. Well he started to sort of have a mental break about his fiances and told me he was going to have to live in his SUV because he wasn't going to have any $$$ left. Which is true after paying me child support, day care, and his expensive extended stay he is left with maybe $20-60 a week. He was on E and the gas light was on. He has a good job but its expensive. Well I told him I was sorry and will pray for him and he sort snapped and said that praying wouldn't put gas in his car or food on his table!
Well we ended up going to lunch(I paid) the kids were with us and they were hungry....it was overall a pretty nice meal. I told him that I felt as if he wanted me to tell him I love him and almost beg and he told me that he wanted me to tell him for years. :scratchhead:

Well tomorrow he gets paid and will have to pay child support/day care and I know he is going to bring up money. I told him today I felt as if he was manipulating me and saying things that he knows would get to me.....saying he had no food/was going to have to live in his car. He said he wasn't...that he wasn't that good at doing it:scratchhead:

Its sort of strange because I am feeling better, stronger, and almost clearer. I love him and miss being a family unit. I feel like I am at a crucial turning point and don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I need to give an ultimatum and then part of me feels like I need to just wade out the storm. 

Please Help


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I wanted to add that the women he had an OW with they work together so having no contact is not possible. I did comfort her and truly believe it was just co-worker/friendship for her....she did NOT know he was lying to me about meeting her/texting. I will say I can tell he was just wanting for something to open up. He got very wound up in all of it


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Well I just looked at the account and he is not going to make it this week on what he has. I feel bad because he has a really great job but with child support/daycare/expensive extended stay hotel it just is too much. With that said this is a situation he put himself into 

If Affaircare or anyone is around I would love some feedback. I am seriously scared and almost want to turn off my phone because I imagine today is not going to be fun. I really can't because he is coming over today to get the kids so I HAVE to talk to him.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I would stay firm. He created this mess and unless he agrees to your terms I would let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions. That's the only way he will learn that you will not always bail him out.


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