# Separation - very sad



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

This is the saddest day of my life. Today I woke up and realized I needed to separate from my wife. We are two people who have stood at each others' side for ten years and given each other 2 wonderful children. We are good friends. We never fight. We are conflict avoidant.

Over the years, things like sexual frequency and family visits became increasingly troublesome but like good soldiers we swept it under the rug.

I woke up about three years ago and knew something was wrong. We tried MC but it didn't really help. However, my IC has helped me tremendously. It is very painful but I'm growing and trying hard to become the new me every day.

This morning I just woke up and realized we haven't ever been emotionally married. It's not her, it's not me, it's us. We built our whole world together as married single people. We cheered each other on thinking that we were bringing each other happiness when in reality we were just drifting apart.

I have grown tremendously and it has helped the marriage a little. My wife seems aware of me for the first time, that I have wants/needs too. The trouble is, she has outright said that she is content with her life, that it is "easy", and that she doesn't dream to become greater, but rather is content to live a menial life doing grunt work and being happy. 

Today I just woke up and realized my kids are learning that a marriage is to avoid each other. To take separate trips and vacations and eat at different times. To be married is to be disconnected.

And regardless of anything she's done, I will be destroying the lives that my loved ones are used to. I feel so guilty. I genuinely did not understand that my behavior during the marriage was so poor. I tried hard to be a good dad and good husband and never raised my voice. I tried to be the perfect mate and instead I was completely selfish. My wife does own a part of this, but even were she perfect, my lack of relationship maturity would have eventually killed the marriage.

I do not want this hell for my children. I love my wife so much. I feel like I'm on a boat getting ready to disembark, and she is on the dock staring at me sadly. This is the worst feeling of my life.

Funny thing is, the last couple weeks as I've been arriving at this conclusion, my wife is finally communicating with me. She has told me that she realizes she is a very unemotional person, and the more effort I put in trying to bring smiles and laughter, the more she felt obligated to withdraw and become serious. There are apparently people that don't like to laugh! It's funny the things it takes a decade to learn about.

She says she understands that I need to go. She tells me she loves me and that I'm the best man she's ever met. She tells me she hopes I will come back some day. She tells me I'm the best and that she could learn a lot from me.

Maybe a separation will bring us together if we realize what we are missing. But, it probably won't. This is goodbye. It sucks.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Yes it does suck.

But that doesn't mean it isn't necessary.

Your kids will respond and react, according to how you and your spouse react to the separation.

Hold your sh!t together when you tell them. If YOU act like the bottom has just fallen out of your world, then they will respond in kind. 

Half of the children born to married couples grow up as part of unmarried couples. Ideal? No. But neither must it mean that you are damning your children to a life of misery.

Acknowledge their sadness ... do not feed it. And take care of yourself.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

We are always learning in life.

What I have realized is just how ignorant I have been about relationships.

Relationship lessons are the most painful of all.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Acorn said:


> This is the saddest day of my life. Today I woke up and realized I needed to separate from my wife. We are two people who have stood at each others' side for ten years and given each other 2 wonderful children. We are good friends. We never fight. We are conflict avoidant.
> 
> Over the years, things like sexual frequency and family visits became increasingly troublesome but like good soldiers we swept it under the rug.
> 
> ...


Acorn,

I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you find peace in the midst of all this. 

I was beginning to accept that divorce was inevitable, but my wife started a completely different type of medication treatment for her bipolar depression. Like a switch, if feels like she is now a completely different woman. Maybe aliens took the real wife? But she is no longer the person who does not enjoy laughing, or small talk, or saying anything positive at all. For now, I'm just watching. 

I can only hope that the separation will help your wife see the need to seek help, in whatever form, to want to grow closer emotionally.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Just know that only a very small part of seperated couples continue with the marriage. I read 10%. My 3 month seperation just ended yesterday and we will now be moving to divorce.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I keep wanting to think if I wait, if I hang on...

I just don't get it. I ask her to go away for a weekend with me. Too busy. I ask her to open up emotionally. Too hard. I tell her that I need some time away... she tells me "We will get through this" and that she fully supports me. ????

I told her that my IC had taught me that we were both caterpillars that had been that way too long because we didn't know any better, and becoming butterflies was waiting for us just around the corner if we could grow together... she said, the world needs caterpillars.

Sigh.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Hailen - I am so happy to hear about your wife. I hope things continue to get better for you. My wife believes she is happy as is and will not pursue anything like that unfortunately. 

This is me - Sorry to hear of your divorce.  Did your separation help with anything at all or was it just waiting for the inevitable?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Acorn,

What was your wife's childhood like?


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

I feel your pain.
I know what you mean when you say that you just co-exist together.
The interaction between you is so important. If you are always the one trying it will and I am sure has become very frustrating. Now that you are changing and learning more about yourself as a person you would think that would encourage her to look within herself and want to change as well. Emotional connection is so important in any relationship. Otherwise its like living with a roommate and not a spouse.

How old are your kids? I am sure if they are old enough they can sense that something is not right between you. Even if you think they will be hurt by you separating for a little while they will be more unhappy knowing that you are staying together when you really need to work things out and take the time away you may both need to work things out in your head. As they say we only get 1 life to live and we shouldn't waste any of it being unhappy and unfulfilled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My wife grew up in a home with 3 brothers. At the time, her dad was a traveling salesmen... he would be home for a few days and then travel for a few days. From what I understand, he made life difficult for her brothers but he always backed off her, presumedly because she was a girl.

My kids are in elementary school. My oldest definitely knows something is wrong. He is my primary motivation for wanting to take action.

I always figured that, if my marriage broke up, there would be hatred or yelling or something. We still speak pleasantly and make small talk and I still try to make her smile. But there are so many "off limits" topics at this point in our marriage, topics that trigger the walls and barriers, that there is very little left. It is hard to be married to someone who says, "I know you would like more (sex, alone time, companionship, emotional connection, whatever), so if there is someone out there better for you maybe I'm just not the right girl for you."


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Acorn,

Was there any abuse?

It sounds like she simply hates men - and blames herself.

Is it possible to speak with her about her father and what she thought of him.., what he did, etc.?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

very sorry to hear Acorn, i wish you the best.

i can see our journey heading the same direction (my wife and I), after several very serious conversations in the past three years including talk of seperation, i feel its only a matter of time. she simply cannot resolve her issues, and she cannot tell me what i need to do to meet her halfway. its frustrating


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

She idolizes her father and brothers. I don't know that she outright avoids men but now that I think about it, she does steer away from careers, activities, and such that would be male dominated. She prefers to hang with other moms or family.

She blames herself for everything all the time. "I guess I can't even do that right" is a regular phrase of hers.

Apparently her dad was very hard on his boys and she would on occasion fight physically with her brothers.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She likely started out blaming herself for their fights.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Acorn. I don’t know if you know about the French Revolution? They say they absolutely and for 1,000% knew they didn’t want what they had.

And they say they had not a clue where they were headed. It was “just” that they didn’t want what they had and believed anything was better.

Sometimes us Men get that calling. It is the call of the wild. It is change.

I don’t know how I know but I know you will do it with Dignity. You’re a big man Acorn and you will grow even more.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Acorn ~

I'm sorry you've been going through such a trying time, and yet at the same time I have to say that I am proud of you that you have embraced trying to improve yourself and your marriage to the best of your ability. Sometimes a spouse wants to come along for the ride, and sometimes they don't.

You know, I've always been a little fascinated by your user name - wondering why you chose it. Acorns are symbolic for being such seemingly small, innocuous things that end up growing into one of the mightiest of trees.

_"Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn! You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak! Bury a sheep, and nothing happens but decay_.” ~ George Bernard Shaw 

Your user name seems quite symbolic of your journey, I think.

Wishing you all the best.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

How do you feel today?


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Acorn said:


> It is hard to be married to someone who says, "I know you would like more (sex, alone time, companionship, emotional connection, whatever), so if there is someone out there better for you maybe I'm just not the right girl for you."



I get from my husband, "I know you would like more emotional connection, quality time, but I can't give you that, so you need to face facts, and learn how to adapt." . So yes I know what it feels like to not be emotionally married.

Wishing you the best Acorn.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sometimes 'adapting' means ... leaving.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Unhappy2011 said:


> How do you feel today?


I feel sad, frustrated and a bit depressed.

About the marriage, I can't stress enough how frightening it is to "wake up" and realize how incredibly toxic conflict avoidance can be in a marriage. We are an ideal couple - as long as there are no triggers which could lead to conflict. One by one, things are abandoned, there is no growth, and I know my wife less now than I did when we were married. Some parts of the house are literally falling apart because both of us want to fix them, but we have mutually exclusive ways of fixing the problem - so we implement no fix at all and smile at each other.

I've also realized that this little bit of hell I've put myself through the last few years has been my attempts to learn how to resolve conflict. I also realize I am playing out my own internal battle about what is expected of me (stay married, make it work) vs. what I want (emotional connection in a wife, someone who will help me grow and not avoid conflict). 

We will not be at a point of not return for a few weeks at least, so I imagine I won't feel the full effect until then.

Thanks for asking.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Hi Acorn ~
> 
> I'm sorry you've been going through such a trying time, and yet at the same time I have to say that I am proud of you that you have embraced trying to improve yourself and your marriage to the best of your ability. Sometimes a spouse wants to come along for the ride, and sometimes they don't.
> 
> ...


Thanks Enchantment for your post.

The word 'acorn' has followed me around in my life randomly. My childhood field used to get covered in them and I'd tear up my leg each year sliding into bases. My little league team was named the Acorns. The first computer system I had in school was called Acorn. Sorta weird. I always hated the things growing up but at the same time I knew the squirrels needed them so what can you do... a necessary evil.

You had pointed out my user name a while back and I admit, I thought the same thing. I feel like an acorn that's been around for a while and didn't realize I'm supposed to be an oak. I will get there, someday!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Acorn said:


> I feel sad, frustrated and a bit depressed.
> 
> About the marriage, I can't stress enough how frightening it is to "wake up" and realize how incredibly toxic conflict avoidance can be in a marriage. We are an ideal couple - as long as there are no triggers which could lead to conflict. One by one, things are abandoned, there is no growth, and I know my wife less now than I did when we were married. Some parts of the house are literally falling apart because both of us want to fix them, but we have mutually exclusive ways of fixing the problem - so we implement no fix at all and smile at each other.
> 
> ...


Yes. Conflict avoidance ensures the slow death of a marriage. It’s the withholding of things that goes hand in hand with it.

And all those avoided conflicts add up. When I think on it I think of a carpeted sitting room. The room starts out bright and airy with a lot of space between the carpet and the ceiling. Then one by way all the avoided conflicts get pushed under the carpet until it reaches the ceiling and there’s no more room.

It just becomes an impossible to task to clean the room out of all it’s conflicts and make it bright and airy again like it was when starting out. It’s impossible because barriers have been raised and have become habits, defence mechanisms against further pain. To clear the conflicts we need to let down the barriers but we don’t do that because we never want to be vulnerable again.

But make no mistake. Separation is not a stroll through the park. It’s like going through a jungle at times, sometimes coming up for air in bright sunlight on a mountain before we go back down again into the dark.

But it’s a journey of separation I haven’t once regretted in the past 2 years even after all the time I spent with my wife and even though I still love her.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I agree. Conflict avoidance will end a marriage. That is what happened with us. She could not handle the stress of dealing with it and avoided it at all costs till the resentment was too much. 

She avoided it so much that I had no idea she had a problem. Fit the Walk Away Wife MO exactly.

The seperation for us was a delay of the envitable. Where I wanted to work on it, she ran from it. Uncertainty on what she wanted.

I am not sure if the time apart made the next step of divorce better or worse. In one sense it may have helped us adjust to being apart, but on the other hand it seems to have dragged out the pain over a longer time. Not clear on that yet. 

Life is very confusing at this stage. I wish you well.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

I came to your thread after you posted on mine. I feel for you and what you're going through as I have recently felt the same way myself as far as feeling it's time to move on. Ever since my wifes affair over 10 years ago, I have detached emotionally. I have done everything I could to keep us together and to be there for my kids as has she. My youngest (still at home) is 24. I have a pretty good relationship with my 4 adult children and I know my wife loves me. I however am not able to return it? I am just numb, complacent, unhappy, whatever... We have good times and get along pretty well, but if she ever gets angry at me, I apologize. If I ever get angry at her, she gets angry back at me and I still apologize... so I just suck it up and do whatever to keep the peace? I have always resented her affair and we rug swept. She wants to make love, I just want to put it off or get through it and it's not fair to either one of us. Before the affair my goal in lovemaking was always to make her feel good and she made me feel like the best lover ever. But an ongoing affair with your best friend can take a lot out of you. I still love her but I never recovered and I believe we will need to seperate as well. 30 years....it's sad. Good luck to you, it seems you tried everything. I respect that!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Struggling4ever said:


> I came to your thread after you posted on mine. I feel for you and what you're going through as I have recently felt the same way myself as far as feeling it's time to move on. Ever since my wifes affair over 10 years ago, I have detached emotionally. I have done everything I could to keep us together and to be there for my kids as has she. My youngest (still at home) is 24. I have a pretty good relationship with my 4 adult children and I know my wife loves me. I however am not able to return it? I am just numb, complacent, unhappy, whatever... We have good times and get along pretty well, but if she ever gets angry at me, I apologize. If I ever get angry at her, she gets angry back at me and I still apologize... so I just suck it up and do whatever to keep the peace? I have always resented her affair and we rug swept. She wants to make love, I just want to put it off or get through it and it's not fair to either one of us. Before the affair my goal in lovemaking was always to make her feel good and she made me feel like the best lover ever. But an ongoing affair with your best friend can take a lot out of you. I still love her but I never recovered and I believe we will need to seperate as well. 30 years....it's sad. Good luck to you, it seems you tried everything. I respect that!


Thank you for your kind words.

I've been working things through in my head for almost 3 years, and finally I am more or less at peace with it. I only wish I had been willing to really open my eyes sooner and see what was really happening. My wife says things to me now like, "It is amazing to watch how you are changing." If I could have figured it out before, maybe I'd have a different result.

Anyway, I'll be a better partner the next time around for someone. And, who knows, maybe the changes I'm making will inspire something in my wife. Stranger things have happened I suppose.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

So sorry to hear this. I hope you have had a better day today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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