# For Divorced BSs: Will You Attend Your XWS's Funeral?



## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

If you are a betrayed spouse and you divorced your WS due to their cheating or failed R, will you attend their funeral if they pass on before you?

My xWW is currently finishing up her last month in jail for possession of meth. Once she is released I have no doubt she will start using again. As you all know meth is a killer, so I have no illusions that she would ever outlive me. 

My stepson and I talked about this last week and he asked me that question: Would I attend his mom's funeral even after all she did to me and put me through? 

I told him "I will attend her funeral to be there supporting you." I don't know if that's a good reason or no. If it were not for him I would probably not go.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If my daughter wanted me there of course I would go.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Since he's my kids' biological father, I will only go if they want me to go with them.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I would but only if there was a free bar afterwards with a nice buffet.

Actually, I would either way.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

BashfulBull said:


> My stepson and I talked about this last week and he asked me that question: Would I attend his mom's funeral even after all she did to me and put me through?
> 
> I told him "I will attend her funeral to be there supporting you." I don't know if that's a good reason or no. If it were not for him I would probably not go.


BashfulBull, you are a classy guy so I'm sure you would attend her funeral. I'd be disappointed if you didn't. Needless to say, I'd do the same in similar situation.

But, let's hope that she cleans up her act and this sinister scenario never actually occurs.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

I guess the main reason I would not want to go is that I would not want to have to face her degenerate family. Alot of them got pissed when I left her. Her mom sent me a month's worth of nasty e-mails blaming me for her daughter's affair, and even more so later on when she got popped for meth possession. 

Her family are essentially amoral to a person. I should have run from this pack of hyenas when we were dating. The first time I ever met them they scared me. Pure, low-down white trash. My xWW was definitely the best of them and she seemed to want to distance herself from them so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Bad mistake.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

> For Divorced BSs: Will You Attend Your XWS's Funeral?


F### no.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

I am interested in what yeah_right posts.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

No one wants to dance on xWW's grave? Sad.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

BashfulBull said:


> I guess the main reason I would not want to go is that I would not want to have to face her degenerate family. Alot of them got pissed when I left her. Her mom sent me a month's worth of nasty e-mails blaming me for her daughter's affair, and even more so later on when she got popped for meth possession.
> 
> Her family are essentially amoral to a person. I should have run from this pack of hyenas when we were dating. The first time I ever met them they scared me. Pure, low-down white trash. My xWW was definitely the best of them and she seemed to want to distance herself from them so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Bad mistake.


Did we marry sisters?

I would go only for my kids. That's the only reason I have any connection to her - and it pisses me off. I wish I would never, ever have to see her again. I hate that we have that connection.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I would take my kids and be there for them. I do not have a good relationship with anyone in her family. Its not about them. Its about my kids and I will always be there dad. 

You are in a different situation. Your not his bio dad but there is nothing wrong with you still supporting him. It sounds like you have maintained a good relationship with him. I would go for him if it comes to be that way. 

It sucks that you even have to think about this. 

Clay


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BB, your response was truthful and classy. Funerals, after all, are for the living. And as parents, we should be there to support our children. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

brokeneric said:


> No one wants to dance on xWW's grave? Sad.


Why? I walked away with my character in tact; she didn't. I walked away with my morals intact; she didn't. I walked away with my head held high; she slunk away with a scarlet letter emblazoned on her.

What more could I possibly gain from dancing on her grave? I guess the real question is: What would I lose?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I will not go to my ex-wife's funeral.

Why? 

Because I just don't care what happens to her. 

OK, I do want to know that I won't have to pay support anymore.

My children are grown, they can support each other that day.


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## antechomai (Oct 4, 2013)

Absolutely,

I have thought about this for a while.
I could not let my daughters sit there without me.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

No matter what age your children are when/if this happens. They will grieve. You wanting to be there for them speaks to your character. As others have said. An excellent example to your children. 

You can hold your own against the hyenas for the length of a service it might hurt your tongue to bite it that long. But you've endured worse.

Sorry you have this on your mind. It's an interesting topic.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Since my rich, skanky XW and I have no children together, I, in all probability, will not be attending, although I could see both of my son's going. But if her family were to call and ask me to attend, then I might possibly reconsider! But as far as her dopehead kids are concerned, they wouldn't pee in my guts if I were on fire, nor me them!

But if I were to die first, then I'd fully expect that she would attempt to attend mine, only out of respect for my sons. But the rest of my family would probably give her a quite frosty reception!*


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

There was an old thread on this site about an XWW who was dying of a terminal disease and the BS went to visit her in the hospital. He wrote deeply about his feelings and the XWW did pass away.

There was a lot of information about how he dealt with the situation and his feelings on the matter. Unfortunately I can not remember the name of the thread. Maybe Lord Mayhem, Jelly Beans, Bandit, etc can help in this.

It may provide a little more insight in this issue as he was seeing the XWS and she saw him and they both knew she was dying.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would go to support of my kids.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BashfulBull said:


> If you are a betrayed spouse and you divorced your WS due to their cheating or failed R, will you attend their funeral if they pass on before you?
> 
> My xWW is currently finishing up her last month in jail for possession of meth. Once she is released I have no doubt she will start using again. As you all know meth is a killer, so I have no illusions that she would ever outlive me.
> 
> ...


That's a very good reason, IMO.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Actually, I think I would ask that my kids be able to hold their own memorial service, and to remember their parent in their own way, without having to put up with all the political unemotional weirdness of their dad's extended family. 

They could put in an appearance at the wake. You know, I'd just sit with them to accept their condolences and also help them with any project, such as asking people to record reminiscences about their dad on video or audio. They could also go to the burial. 

I think that would be about right at the moment. First of all, I don't want them to be subjected to people crying, particularly for them. And more importantly, I think that because they are the two people on the face of the earth who have been as close to their dad as anybody is ever going to get, I think they should be in charge of things. Not put into roles assigned by the controlling adults (in their dad's family.) Let them have their own funeral service, and do it the way they want. And if their dad's family insists on having something different, let them. We are not churchgoers. So I think a wake is really sufficient. And a graveside farewell.

As for their stepdad and my ex, there's no need to go to his funeral. We barely even remember him as it is. I'm sure his sisters would call me though, and expect me to go. They're like that. They would want me to care. But, I don't. He was mean.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

*Re: Re: For Divorced BSs: Will You Attend Your XWS's Funeral?*



rrrbbbttt said:


> There was an old thread on this site about an XWW who was dying of a terminal disease and the BS went to visit her in the hospital. He wrote deeply about his feelings and the XWW did pass away.
> 
> There was a lot of information about how he dealt with the situation and his feelings on the matter. Unfortunately I can not remember the name of the thread. Maybe Lord Mayhem, Jelly Beans, Bandit, etc can help in this.
> 
> It may provide a little more insight in this issue as he was seeing the XWS and she saw him and they both knew she was dying.


I remember that one. I'll look for it when I get home from work.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> I remember that one. I'll look for it when I get home from work.


It was Jvalley's thread.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tainted said:


> It was Jvalley's thread.


:iagree:


Here is the link:

Ex Wife is critically ill, don't know what to do

It really was a moving story.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BashfulBull said:


> If you are a betrayed spouse and you divorced your WS due to their cheating or failed R, will you attend their funeral if they pass on before you?
> 
> My xWW is currently finishing up her last month in jail for possession of meth. Once she is released I have no doubt she will start using again. As you all know meth is a killer, so I have no illusions that she would ever outlive me.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'd hope
There was free food at least
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Seriously it not about some deAd cheating b!tch....it's about the few that you still love and supporting ... Respecting their grief.

The chick is dead...it's all about the living and being there for them!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The boy would want you there

And stop messing around... Only the good die young.

Your ex is going to out live both of you..only to be found by the postman
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

the guy said:


> Only the good die young.


This was coined before the ravages of coke and meth were known.


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

I would attend.

I loved the woman once and despite what she did to me, I still care.

The part that scares me right now is the fragile relationship and residual anger our child expresses towards her mother for the affair. I am fearful that if something were to cause my ex-wife's untimely demise at the moment, then my daughter would be in a worse place than she is now; she would never have the chance to heal their relationship and release her pain and anger to her mother. Not good.

This is the reason I continue to try to get her to dump that anger and pain on her mother. Not because I want my ex to feel bad, but because I want my daughter to feel relief. Her mother caused the situation, it's hers to own.

Regarding the practicality of sitting through a memorial service in any proximity to my ex mother in law (the Devil's sister), well let's just say that as awkward as that would be, I'm the bigger person and I have nothing to be ashamed of. 

I did everything I could to save the marriage and she (the Devil's sister) did everything to undermine whatever I did including sending the affair partner to the psych hospital the day after my ex attempted her attention getting suicide. Her daughter chose to pursue her relationship with the Karate Kid and turn her back on her daughter and husband....c'est la vie!


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## jenglenn (Jan 31, 2013)

Heck yeah… cheaters in coffins can't lie. Go and enjoy that part.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

I would attend for any family members who requested me to go for support.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

It's about kids really is'nt it?

You have to ask yourself if you had no kids would you have anything at all to do with her at all anything?

I wouldn't 

If I had no kids I'd never want to see or have anything to do with her ever again 

BUT we DO have kids so in the event of her passing ( and she has had suicidal tendencies) I'm sure they would need the support so if ever and whenever I would for them 

I think I'd very much keep out of the way during the whole process though, cant say I'd be socializing with friends and family


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband will more than likely die before I do. He lives a fairly high-risk lifestyle, so I figure if one of his adrenaline-junkie hobbies doesn't do it, the hard drinking and heavy smoking eventually will. 

And, yes, when he dies, I will attend his funeral. We have a son and I would want to be there for him. I'm also still close with my ex-husband's family, so I would go even if we didn't have a child together. Besides, we were together for almost 22 years - literally more than half our lives. I loved who I thought he was, who he pretended to be. That he wasn't that man, _at all_, was, and will continue to be, on him.


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

Rowan said:


> My ex-husband will more than likely die before I do. He lives a fairly high-risk lifestyle, so I figure if one of his adrenaline-junkie hobbies doesn't do it, the hard drinking and heavy smoking eventually will.
> 
> And, yes, when he dies, I will attend his funeral. We have a son and I would want to be there for him. I'm also still close with my ex-husband's family, so I would go even if we didn't have a child together. *Besides, we were together for almost 22 years - literally more than half our lives. I loved who I thought he was, who he pretended to be. That he wasn't that man, at all, was, and will continue to be, on him*.


This......jeez that struck a nerve Rowan.... 

I loved who I thought she was, who she pretended to be for 23yrs.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Seriously interesting question. Clearly it depends on each individual's situation. I would go to mine if we divorced and she died. We have been married a long time, had kids together, etc, no matter what, she has been a huge part of my life and it would be proper to attend.

But if there were no kids, or the marriage was just a few years, maybe not.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I wouldn't judge anyone for either attending or not. It's their choice. And I believe that you can get on with your life without having "to forgive" anyone. 

And as I have discovered, funerals van be great opportunities to create scenes....... as my mother discovered at our paternal grandmother's funeral when my brother's ex wife showed up.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I wouldn't judge anyone for either attending or not. It's their choice. And I believe that you can get on with your life without having "to forgive" anyone.
> 
> And as I have discovered, funerals van be great opportunities to create scenes....... as my mother discovered at our paternal grandmother's funeral when my brother's ex wife showed up.


Ah, jeeze! There's absolutely nothing worse than people making a scene at a funeral! WTH are people who do this thinking?!?!

My ex-husband's long term EA partner was a family friend. She came to his dad's funeral less than a year after I'd discovered their affair. Came through the receiving line for hugs and conversation, the whole bit. Skanky b!tch. She knew I couldn't do anything about it, because I was raised better than to make a scene at a funeral. 

When her new married man's mother died, however, she did not attend. Apparently, while his wife could also be trusted not to create a scene, there was less certainty regarding some of the other ladies in his family. I think she didn't want his daughter - with whom she grew up - dragging her out of the funeral home by her hair. 

Hey, did I mention she's a skanky b!tch?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Rowan said:


> Ah, jeeze! There's absolutely nothing worse than people making a scene at a funeral! WTH are people who do this thinking?!?!
> 
> My ex-husband's long term EA partner was a family friend. She came to his dad's funeral less than a year after I'd discovered their affair. *Came through the receiving line for hugs and conversation, the whole bit. Skanky b!tch. She knew I couldn't do anything about it, because I was raised better than to make a scene at a funeral. *
> 
> ...


This is why I am trying to develop a reputation as someone who pulls no punches. IOW, if someone does not want a scene, don't bait me.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

BashfulBull said:


> I told him "I will attend her funeral to be there supporting you." I don't know if that's a good reason or no. If it were not for him I would probably not go.


To me that's the best answer you could have given


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When I found out about my wife's PA in 2011 I told her if she died and we were still married, she would be cremated and her ashes would go into the land fill. At the time I meant it.

Had we D, I would have been done with her. 

Recently I had a friend commit suicide. His two prior wives and his current wife attened his funeral. No one saw it coming. There was no drama with the current wife and prior ones. 

If there are issues with your WS's family I would pass.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Personally, if my exH were to die I would feel no interest whatsoever in going to his funeral. I have no issues with his family or anything, and we all sort of "got over it" a few years after the divorce and remained on cordial terms, but for him personally? Nope he left me and that includes my caring about his death, in my mind.

HOWEVER, we have two kids together, and it would be their father who died. If they wanted me there, I'd go for them and sort of stay out of it all. I suspect they might need a shoulder to cry on, and for that, I'd be there.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If someone asked me this years ago if I would attend the XW's funeral, I would have said I would go to just so I could piss on her grave. But I'm older now, and that was long ago. I wouldn't go to the wake because of her family who enabled her affair, but I'd visit her grave to tell her I've forgiven her. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have my kids that I have now.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> No matter what age your children are when/if this happens. They will grieve. You wanting to be there for them speaks to your character.


Then are you also saying it speaks to our character those of us who will not go to WS's funeral?




> As others have said. An excellent example to your children.


I'll offer support to my children, but they'll understand if I'm not at their mother's funeral.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Replace the news of an xWS getting remarried with finding out they died and you get --> Two and a Half Men - No More Alimony [HD] - YouTube


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Ah, jeeze! There's absolutely nothing worse than people making a scene at a funeral! WTH are people who do this thinking?!?!
> 
> My ex-husband's long term EA partner was a family friend. She came to his dad's funeral less than a year after I'd discovered their affair. Came through the receiving line for hugs and conversation, the whole bit. Skanky b!tch. She knew I couldn't do anything about it, because I was raised better than to make a scene at a funeral.
> 
> ...


My concern is that, given the type of people she was hanging out with just prior to getting busted, most of the attendees to her funeral will be riding hogs and wearing denim gang colors. If the OM or some of his drug buddies are there, they might just intercept me on my way to the truck and give me a nice pigpile. 

My other concern is that her family is dirt poor. They have no money and she will probably have no money. As the only person in her universe who could afford to do so, I will probably get hit up to pay for the funeral and burial.

Either that or the county freeze dries her in the morgue until such time they can give her an unmarked pauper's grave somewhere out in an empty field. 

That would devastate my stepson and it wouldn't sit right with me, regardless of what she did to me, so I will most likely be the one who foots the bill. And do you think her family will be grateful? Hell no. 

I know this is all conjecture, but for some reason it is a thought that has been weighing on me.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

My ex wife died almost four years ago. She was only 30 years old. She was a WS and I didn't talk to her after the divorce was finalized. We divorced in 2002. Honestly, I regret not talking to her before she passed. I never wanted to be with her again, but she was a big part of my life before we divorced. It's easy to hate those who wrong us, and it's hard to forgive, but once there's no possibility of talking to the person again, the reality of finality sets in. I did not attend her funeral as it was far away and I just hate funerals. However, I would have attended if it was in state.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Bump. 

I think my xWW may be getting close to her end.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

How's your current wife? How is she dealing with her arthritis?


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

BashfulBull said:


> Bump.
> 
> I think my xWW may be getting close to her end.


Oh, BB, I am so sorry. I know that you are remarried and very happy with your new wife, but I think from your prior posts, it's clear that you are an incredibly kind and decent man, and that this will cause you to pause and consider what doing the right thing might be. As you mentioned in your earlier posts, you have remained close with your step-son, and you may wish to attend for the sole purpose of offering him the emotional support that he will need. 

I know that you were also concerned about the possibility of having to foot the funeral bill, as well. Obviously, you have no moral, and certainly no legal obligation to do so. But, if you wish to offer your step-son some guidance or advice on how to make funeral arrangements on a small budget, or even no budget, at all, then please feel free to pm me and I will be happy to tell you how I managed a very nice funeral service for my brother when he suddenly passed away nearly 12 years ago, having left behind no provisions for his final arrangements. He was only 49 years old, never married, and had no children. Our mother was already deceased, and our father lived with us, but had Alzheimer's disease. That left me to handle his arrangements. We made it happen. 

I remember your ex-wife's serious illness and hospitalization last year. Has she gone back to abusing drugs, again? This current epidemic is the worst I can ever remember drug abuse being at any other time in my life. In the United States someone dies from a drug overdose every 13 minutes. That's over 40,150 deaths per year and the numbers are rapidly increasing.

You, your wife, your step-son, and your ex-wife will be in my prayers. Take care and keep us informed.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sorry. My sister is currently using heroin and meth..... she's in jail right now for a couple more months but I'm sure as soon as she gets out she'll go back to using.

The drugs have turned her into a horrible person and we're currently not speaking as I stopped giving her money. 

I've been trying to prepare myself to find out she od'd.

I miss my sister. .... when she wasn't using she was awesome to talk to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)




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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Not a chance in Hell that I'd attend her funeral. even if my kids want me there. I can't imagine that happening, but I'd say no.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

I will not attend. And, I have given my kids instructions to keep her the hell away from mine,as she will,as a NPD,undoubtedly try to put the focus on herself and her fake grief,while slipping in a few derogatory comments about me.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yes... just to make sure she's dead and I no longer have to pay child support! Haha, I'm a mean cold bastard. Oh, my STBX isn't a WS, so I guess that doesn't count.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

BashfulBull said:


> Bump.
> 
> I think my xWW may be getting close to her end.


Sorry to hear it..is she using again?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

To answer this thread, no, I wouldn't go. 

I have nothing left from my ex to mourn and no respects to show her. 

For @lifeistooshort I'm sorry. I have a buddy who's sister did that, and then vanished. She turned up dead about 10 years later. 

It nearly killed him. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm sorry. My sister is currently using heroin and meth..... she's in jail right now for a couple more months but I'm sure as soon as she gets out she'll go back to using.
> 
> The drugs have turned her into a horrible person and we're currently not speaking as I stopped giving her money.
> 
> ...


:crying:


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Damn I'm sorry to hear that BB. I thought she was still in jail?? Hope things don't turn out that way but stay strong. I know despite what you guys went through, you didn't want her to come to any harm:crying:


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

How is your stepson. You know, you may be the only good example of what a man is. I hope the best for all of you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> To answer this thread, no, I wouldn't go.
> 
> I have nothing left from my ex to mourn and no respects to show her.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I go back and forth between feeling sad that my sister is very possibly gone from my life and po'd at her for being such an entitled, selfish jerk. I also have trouble distinguishing what's the drugs talking from who she really is; I know the drugs influence a lot but even before them she was lazy and entitled. But she was still a lot of fun to talk too and bs with. Since the drugs though I don't even recognize her anymore.

She lost her kids to foster care (one is with his dad but the other two have a different dad that's nowhere to be found) and my mom asked me what to tell them if she OD's? I told her to wait for me to get there and we'd tell them together. How much will that suck for them?

I wonder how BashfullBull distinguished between who his ex really was and what drugs caused her to be? Was she a decent person before them?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

If your XW's family expects for you to foot the bill, there are affordable types of funerals: one by cremation and can be followed by a memorial. Regular funerals cost a great deal more. 

I would only come to your XW's funeral if your stepson asks you to come with him for support. Otherwise, don't go into a hornet's nest.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Roselyn said:


> If your XW's family expects for you to foot the bill, there are affordable types of funerals: one by cremation and can be followed by a memorial. Regular funerals cost a great deal more.
> 
> I would only come to your XW's funeral if your stepson asks you to come with him for support. Otherwise, don't go into a hornet's nest.


Why would the EX's family expect him to foot the bill? That ship sailed long ago.

Sorry you're going though this, Bull. You've been through enough already. Hope things are well with you and your new bride.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When the time comes the POS will be dead so what do you care?

The point here is there are still folks that are still alive and aren't crack heads that loved her.

You go cuz you may still love/care for the ones that are still alive that didn't phuck you over...so you go for them!

These things are about the dead...it's about the living and showing them you are sorry for *their* loss.

I mean even if there is just one person you want to be there for , then so be it. You show up hug that person, say what you need to say to *them* , then get the hell out....

At the end of the day it is *their* loss not yours so show that one person you are sad that they are sad!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Sorry BB.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Thank you. I go back and forth between feeling sad that my sister is very possibly gone from my life and po'd at her for being such an entitled, selfish jerk. I also have trouble distinguishing what's the drugs talking from who she really is; I know the drugs influence a lot but even before them she was lazy and entitled. But she was still a lot of fun to talk too and bs with. Since the drugs though I don't even recognize her anymore.
> 
> She lost her kids to foster care (one is with his dad but the other two have a different dad that's nowhere to be found) and my mom asked me what to tell them if she OD's? I told her to wait for me to get there and we'd tell them together. How much will that suck for them?
> 
> I wonder how BashfullBull distinguished between who his ex really was and what drugs caused her to be? Was she a decent person before them?


My buddies sister also suffered from schizophrenia.

Could that be a component? Mental illness, I mean. 

I mean, I remember being there when she went into the ground and the family saying that they didn't know who she was when she died.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Sorry to hear it..is she using again?


I'm sorry for stepping out everyone for a few hours. I had to drive a bus full of softball players back and forth to a game.

My exWW is back in the hospital for malnutrition, excessive dehydration and some kind of liver problems. My stepson said she is was in ICU last night but they have moved her to a room. She most likely back to using. He talked to one of my exWW's friends and was told she weights about 90 pounds and looks about that old. 

Anyway, her girlfriend told my SS that she found my ex on the floor having some kind of seizure. She called the ambulance and they got her stable. So I guess they will be holding her for another day or so until they pump her full of some electrolytes and she's fit to go home. But she has cirrhosis. That has been confirmed. My SS is going to get some emergency leave to fly to her state to see what is going on with her. But I can guess. It is not hard to see what is happening to her. 

She is 5'9". If she really does weigh 90 pounds, that is dangerously emaciated isn't it?


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

BashfulBull said:


> I'm sorry for stepping out everyone for a few hours. I had to drive a bus full of softball players back and forth to a game.
> 
> My exWW is back in the hospital for malnutrition, excessive dehydration and some kind of liver problems. My stepson said she is was in ICU last night but they have moved her to a room. She most likely back to using. He talked to one of my exWW's friends and was told she weights about 90 pounds and looks about that old.
> 
> ...


Yes, 90 pounds is a dangerously low weight for someone who is 5'9". That coupled with her friend saying that she looked that old, as well, sounds like she's using Meth. Wasn't that her DOC? Seizures can be a sign of a Meth overdose or from Meth withdrawal. Prolonged used definitely causes permanent brain damage. All of this combined with her cirrhosis of the liver doesn't bode well for her future. 

I feel especially bad for your ex-wife's son. Isn't he about 22-23? How far away is he stationed?


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Ok ok I admit I was looking for someone to say "heck yeah I got to see her special Y shaped coffin."


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

dash74 said:


> Ok ok I admit I was looking for someone to say "heck yeah I got to see her special Y shaped coffin."


I do not think that is funny.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

EI said:


> Yes, 90 pounds is a dangerously low weight for someone who is 5'9". That coupled with her friend saying that she looked that old, as well, sounds like she's using Meth. Wasn't that her DOC? Seizures can be a sign of a Meth overdose or from Meth withdrawal. Prolonged used definitely causes permanent brain damage. All of this combined with her cirrhosis of the liver doesn't bode well for her future.
> 
> I feel especially bad for your ex-wife's son. Isn't he about 22-23? How far away is he stationed?


My stepson is staitioned at Keesler air field in Mississippi. He and his mom have always had a strained relationship, but he loves her and tries to help her. She is the only mom he has. For him to get an emergency leave to fly 1700 miles to go see her is indeed a hardship. He does not really have any money for a plane ride and rental car. 

The question I ask myself is why do I even care anymore?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

not in the BS category, but in the unpleasantly divorced category. No. Just as I wouldn't go to my mailman's funeral. In my head she's already buried.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

BashfulBull said:


> My stepson is staitioned at Keesler air field in Mississippi. He and his mom have always had a strained relationship, but he loves her and tries to help her. She is the only mom he has. For him to get an emergency leave to fly 1700 miles to go see her is indeed a hardship. He does not really have any money for a plane ride and rental car.
> 
> *The question I ask myself is why do I even care anymore?*


Because you are a good and decent man who loves his step son and despite everything does not want to see his XW die from drug use.


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## sparrow55 (Apr 23, 2016)

I thought she got her life back in order. 

Terribly sad situation. Does she have any family around or was she staying alone ?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Meth is a monster. I saw so many people flush their lives down the toilet for that stuff. Crack and heroin don't hold a candle to meth.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BashfulBull said:


> If you are a betrayed spouse and you divorced your WS due to their cheating or failed R, will you attend their funeral if they pass on before you?
> 
> My xWW is currently finishing up her last month in jail for possession of meth. Once she is released I have no doubt she will start using again. As you all know meth is a killer, so I have no illusions that she would ever outlive me.
> 
> ...


I would. I would also do everything I could, short of getting back with her, to help her get healthy if I could. I would try to be her friend if she would let me.

I would never stop loving her even though I couldn't be married to her.

Unless she kept making me hate her by continually making bad choices.

But I would attend her funeral and I know I would cry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

My ex husband and I cannot stand each other. He didn't cheat on me but he beat the crap out of me.

I would go for my kids. 

He almost died about a year and a half ago (pancreatitis). I was mentally preparing myself for his funeral (he 'died' on the table a few times, they didn't expect him to make it). I prayed for him to live. No matter how much I hate him, he's still the father of my children.

His dad died a few months later from complications from radiation for cancer. I sent a huge peace Lilly to the funeral from my husband and I. They wrote us a thank you card.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You should go my friend. Your step son is going to need you there.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I would. I would also do everything I could, short of getting back with her, to help her get healthy if I could. I would try to be her friend if she would let me.
> 
> I would never stop loving her even though I couldn't be married to her.
> 
> ...



_
Okay, who hacked your TAM account, @ConanHub? _

_Jus' messin' with ya, CH!!! Sorry for the T/J BB. I've just never seen this kinder, gentler side of our barbarian before._


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

BashfulBull said:


> My stepson is staitioned at Keesler air field in Mississippi. He and his mom have always had a strained relationship, but he loves her and tries to help her. She is the only mom he has. For him to get an emergency leave to fly 1700 miles to go see her is indeed a hardship. He does not really have any money for a plane ride and rental car.
> 
> The question I ask myself is why do I even care anymore?


I think it's simply because that's who you are. You're a good man, with a very sympathetic heart. You obviously care a great deal for your step-son, and I think you see your ex-wife as someone to be pitied, rather than someone to be hated. Drug addiction is just heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking for the addicts, themselves, and for everyone whose lives it affects in some way. It's sad and unfortunate that you're in this position. I'm sorry.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Meth is a monster. I saw so many people flush their lives down the toilet for that stuff. Crack and heroin don't hold a candle to meth.


I wouldn't say that crack and heroin don't hold a candle to Meth. I'd say that the biggest monster is the one that has you by the tail. They can all kill you. And, dead is dead.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I would. I would also do everything I could, short of getting back with her, to help her get healthy if I could. I would try to be her friend if she would let me.
> 
> I would never stop loving her even though I couldn't be married to her.
> 
> ...


I cannot help her directly because I have remarried. It would not be fair to my new wife, and besides there is far too much bad blood between my ex-wife and I and her family. Her family has not forgiven me for leaving her. 

My wife has been very generous and says I can help my ex out if I want, but I don't see what I can do for her. She has been through both rehab and jail and neither has slowed down her addiction. I drive a school bus and I cannot just get up and leave whenever. I have a responsibility to the kids I drive. 

My SS is a man. He can take care of his mom. And if she dies I will help him out as much as I can. I will even chip in a bit for the arrangements. I have decided, after discussing it with my wife, that I will not go to her funeral unless my SS really needs me there. He knows I support him. We talk daily and I give him as much good advice as I can. 

I do still care for my ex wife, and I want more than anything for her to beat this addiction. She still has some good in her, but that meth has stolen who she once was. I no longer love her in any kind of romantic way, nor do I pine for the past. My relationship with my new wife is so superior to that which I had with my ex that I have had no reason to dwell on past pains. My ex wife has done horrible things in the pursuit of her addiction, but she has done these to herself. It is a tragedy. I just shake my head when I think of how she has fallen so low.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

BashfulBull said:


> My stepson is staitioned at Keesler air field in Mississippi. He and his mom have always had a strained relationship, but he loves her and tries to help her. She is the only mom he has. For him to get an emergency leave to fly 1700 miles to go see her is indeed a hardship. He does not really have any money for a plane ride and rental car.
> 
> The question I ask myself is why do I even care anymore?


I lost my brother not long ago to a massive stroke at 46, he used heroin for years. I also believe he was using that night. As someone who has recently lived through losing someone who was once close, but became removed, it's still going to be hard on you. I mourn the loss of my brothers opportunities, to be a good man, to redeem himself, but now it's finalized, no more second chances. As prepared as you seem to be, it's still going to hit you. I recommend you go for your step son and for yourself, you will undoubtedly need some closure and he will most assuredly need support. 

You have my deepest sympathies, I can only hope her passing will be as easy as possible for you and your step son.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EI said:


> _
> Okay, who hacked your TAM account, @ConanHub? _
> 
> _Jus' messin' with ya, CB!!! Sorry for the T/J BB. I've just never seen this kinder, gentler side of our barbarian before._


I'm changing. The little boy I use to be is coming out and being allowed to grow.

He needed protecting and he has been kept safe from harm for decades but he can safely come out and grow up now.

He is safe.

I know that sounds crazy but after what my life has been, maybe I can be forgiven for being a little crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I'm changing. The little boy I use to be is coming out and being allowed to grow.
> 
> He needed protecting and he has been kept safe from harm for decades but he can safely come out and grow up now.
> 
> ...


I think it's absolutely wonderful, @ConanHub. And, I've just got to add, I've seen this change coming in you for quite a while. You remind me of someone I know, someone whose life is exponentially happier and healthier today than it has ever been in the past. You're going to start healing now, from the inside out. Unresolved anger is a toxic poison in our lives. Circumstances most often do not break the individual. It is their response to the circumstances that will make them or break them. I'm genuinely happy for you. Don't stop moving forward. You've got this now.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I would do my best to be there for her son but I think your right on about not being able to help her. I have tried for years to help my xW and all attempts just fell on deaf ears. I am sorry to hear things have turned in a bad way. I have always told my kids that yes I am not friends with there mother but that does not mean I wish bad things to happen to her. Just try to be there for him and continue to move on with your life.

C


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

BashfulBull said:


> My stepson is staitioned at Keesler air field in Mississippi. He and his mom have always had a strained relationship, but he loves her and tries to help her. She is the only mom he has. For him to get an emergency leave to fly 1700 miles to go see her is indeed a hardship. He does not really have any money for a plane ride and rental car.
> 
> The question I ask myself is why do I even care anymore?


Have him check with a few airlines and tell them the whole story.

Some offer servicemen who have a family crisis free passage if there is an empty seat on a flight.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Without a doubt (and at this point, that may be two funerals). Whatever bad stuff happened in the marriage, there was a time you loved that person and saw a future with them. That doesn't come by every day and it will always be special. I would go without hesitation. I may do the John Belushi dance on their grave, but I would wait until most people left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Well, if I'm being honest with myself, it would depend on a number of things.

I would only go to my ex's funeral if my children were still young enough to need me there, and the former in-laws I still care about were still alive at that point. If the kids are grown, and the former in-laws predeceased my ex, I wouldn't go.

I would be more likely to go if my ex and AP are broken up by then though and there's no chance of adding THAT encounter to the emotional mix.

Then I'd be waiting to see if I'm still the life insurance beneficiary like our divorce agreement says, or if I'm still going to be fighting with my ex beyond the grave...


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## May1968 (Dec 16, 2014)

I wasn't going to go, but my son requested that I be there with him because the funeral was 700 miles away and his wife couldn't make it. She committed suicide and was in physical and mental pain the last few years of her life. Divorce was almost 40 years ago and I never wished what she went through her last years on her. Yes I was mad at her for what she did to me and my son, but that was a long time ago and I was glad she was out of my life. But to commit suicide, I would wish that on anyone to be in that position


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Funerals are more for the surviving members of the deceased's family and sometimes they are attended to show respect for the deceased.

XW does not deserve your respect nor does any of her family other than your SS. I would not go unless SS requests that you be there. If he is the man you describe, I can not see him asking you to be there knowing how difficult it would be for you to be around those people and how uncomfortable it would make you (and your current wife).

I know you say your current wife is OK with it, but I think she is simply showing support for you. 

Before you have to make a final decision, talk it over with your SS and current wife and let them know you true feelings about it.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Your wife is a Diamond my friend. You are one lucky man.

Dont feel bad for yourself about your Ex and what her Family thinks about you. You cant help her if she is not ready to help herself. 
All money on the world,best therapist and support from family and friends are useless if your Ex. goes back over and over again to drugs.

Be there for your step son.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Not a chance, I am done with her and her family. Her opportunity to have a great love by her side at the end was wasted and that's on her.

Besides I already mourned her death years ago. The woman I loved is no more.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Not a chance, I am done with her and her family. Her opportunity to have a great love by her side at the end was wasted and that's on her.
> 
> Besides I already mourned her death years ago. The woman I loved is no more.


I understand this sentiment and don't blame you at all, Wolf.

I would attend my ex's, because he's the father of my son and still tries to be a decent father to him, in spite of all his other cheating nonsense. And because I deeply respect and love his family. His sister is one of the closest friends I've ever had, and has actually sided with me in the aftermath of our marriage's demise. And his brother also reached out to me after he learned from his sister what really happened. He cried with me on the phone in a 2-hour plus conversation about it a couple months ago.

Funerals are for the ones who are left. I'd mainly go to pay my respects to my ex's sister and brother. It would just feel wrong to me not to.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Meth is a monster. I saw so many people flush their lives down the toilet for that stuff. Crack and heroin don't hold a candle to meth.


And that is saying something serious.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> I understand this sentiment and don't blame you at all, Wolf.
> 
> I would attend my ex's, because he's the father of my son and still tries to be a decent father to him, in spite of all his other cheating nonsense. And because I deeply respect and love his family. His sister is one of the closest friends I've ever had, and has actually sided with me in the aftermath of our marriage's demise. And his brother also reached out to me after he learned from his sister what really happened. He cried with me on the phone in a 2-hour plus conversation about it a couple months ago.
> 
> Funerals are for the ones who are left. I'd mainly go to pay my respects to my ex's sister and brother. It would just feel wrong to me not to.


In my case those people also turned their back on me so I have no support to offer them. Perhaps if they had done things different but it is what it is now.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Simply... No.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Just an update:

The verdict was my ex came down with toxic shock syndrome, coupled with severe malnutrition. Her meth use and malnutrition combine to destroy her immune system, and, according to my stepson, she got it from not keeping her tampons changed out. Frankly, I was surprised she was still having periods given the way she has poisoned her body over the last couple years. Anyway, she spent six days total in the hospital before they released her. In the interim she lost her hotel maid job. She is now out of work and crashing with one of her divorce girlfriends. 

Oh, and to make matters worse, they discovered during all the testing that she has early-onset Alzheimer's.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

BashfulBull said:


> Just an update:
> 
> The verdict was my ex came down with toxic shock syndrome, coupled with severe malnutrition. Her meth use and malnutrition combine to destroy her immune system, and, according to my stepson, she got it from not keeping her tampons changed out. Frankly, I was surprised she was still having periods given the way she has poisoned her body over the last couple years. Anyway, she spent six days total in the hospital before they released her. In the interim she lost her hotel maid job. She is now out of work and crashing with one of her divorce girlfriends.
> 
> Oh, and to make matters worse, they discovered during all the testing that she has early-onset Alzheimer's.


Damn! Support your stepson but do not get involved with you XW again. Showing sympathy for the plight of another person is fine, but she chose to live like this.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

That's how women often get toxic shock syndrome. .... it's one of the first things you learn when you start using tampons. 

It can be very serious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> That's how women often get toxic shock syndrome. .... it's one of the first things you learn when you start using tampons.
> 
> It can be very serious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow. I've never heard of that. It's hard to believe a woman can squeeze a baby the size of a bread loaf through her vagina and survive, but then a four inch piece of cotton wadding can take her out.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I wouldn't. My kids are adults and have partners of their own. They would want their partners and not mom. I have 2 X's, one cheated and the other didn't. I would attend neither. I sure hope if things were reversed, that they don't attend mine!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Wow. I've never heard of that. It's hard to believe a woman can squeeze a baby the size of a bread loaf through her vagina and survive, but then a four inch piece of cotton wadding can take her out.


A woman's body was created to sustain and deliver life, but no ones body was created to leave external objects inside a human body for long periods of time. 

It's poison for the body. That's why doctors get sued for malpractice when they leave equipment or materials inside patients that have had surgery. 

To name a few medical objects that reaked havoc on patients, you have Vaginal mesh and other forms of birth control inserts. They have caused women serious health risks and even death. Many folks were installed defective stents that have serious health risks and even deaths as well.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I think that a question that is every bit as fair to ask is: Would your wayward ex-spouse, in any way, be welcomed by you or the surviving family to attend your funeral?

In my case, I wouldn't want them there as I would fear that they would tend to be a serious distraction for the rest of the family! For someone as brash and brazen as my RSXW, she would undoubtedly try to vent an opinion to some of family members as to how my earthly disposal should be carried out! 

But the chief, primary reason that I would not want them present is that they willingly chose to violate the very tenants of the trust that our initial love was supposed to foster and provide! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Bibi1031 said:


> A woman's body was created to sustain and deliver life, but no ones body was created to leave external objects inside a human body for long periods of time.
> 
> It's poison for the body. That's why doctors get sued for malpractice when they leave equipment or materials inside patients that have had surgery.
> 
> To name a few medical objects that reaked havoc on patients, you have Vaginal mesh and other forms of birth control inserts. They have caused women serious health risks and even death. Many folks were installed defective stents that have serious health risks and even deaths as well.


Yeah, TSS is a staph infection. Those things wreak havoc on the body.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

She was more concerned about her meth than the tampon...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Try to distance yourself from this as much as you can BB. I know you have to be there for your stepson, but concentrate on your new wife and yourself and don't let this get you down.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Bibi1031 said:


> A woman's body was created to sustain and deliver life, *but no ones body was created to leave external objects inside a human body for long periods of time. *
> 
> It's poison for the body. That's why doctors get sued for malpractice when they leave equipment or materials inside patients that have had surgery.
> 
> To name a few medical objects that reaked havoc on patients, you have Vaginal mesh and other forms of birth control inserts. They have caused women serious health risks and even death. Many folks were installed defective stents that have serious health risks and even deaths as well.


The first time I read about toxic shock syndrome (TSS) was maybe '80, '81.

The reason given for TSS was that tampon manufacturers had supersized the tampon giving women the expectation that they did not have to change them as often.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Try to distance yourself from this as much as you can BB. I know you have to be there for your stepson, but *concentrate on your new wife *and yourself and don't let this get you down.



IOW, don't let your X get in the way of your new and better life.

It's ironic how so many people feel as if they have a duty to their failed past....... the point that it intereferes with their present and future.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Wow. I've never heard of that. It's hard to believe a woman can squeeze a baby the size of a bread loaf through her vagina and survive, but then a four inch piece of cotton wadding can take her out.


The purpose of the uterine lining is to nourish an embryo until the placenta is formed, but food is food. It makes a good place for bacteria to grow. 

At menstruation, the lining is sloughed off. It's still good food to bacteria. If it departs a woman, then it is not an internal problem. A tampon keeps that bacteria inside her instead. More and more menstrual fluid builds up in the tampon, and then bacteria can grow out of check and overwhelm her immune system.

If you think wayyyy back into the 80's, this was a mini epidemic. The super-adsorbent stuff in disposable diapers was added to tampons. Women then started dying. By going back to plain cotton, women couldn't leave them in during heavy flow because they'd leak.

It's still a risk right at the tail end as flow slows down. If a woman leaves it in then it can kill her.

Ahhh, what you learn when you have several girls!


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I would not. There is still much anger inside me even after two years. I do not forgive me, I am angry at him but he is a non factor in my life.


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