# So confused and desperate



## beauty169 (Oct 9, 2010)

PLs bear with my not so short story. This is just to summarize my dilemma. 

I am currently married to my husband for 4 yrs. We were together for almost 7 years before we got married. My depression started when i found out 6 months ago that I am pregnant.

Before I got pregnant, our sex life wasnt that great. Months would pass and its lucky if we do it even once a month. I am more into having sex than him. If he is not in the mood nothing will happen even if I initiate it. So basically our sex life is dependent on him

Before we got married, I knew he is not fond of kids so i asked him if he wanted to have one in the future. He said yes, maybe, but from the way he answered the question, it felt like he'd rather not have one by choice. If we get one, then no choice, but if we dont get one then i think it will be more of a relief for him. He grew up being an only child and doesnt like to be around with a lot of people so im thinking maybe this is one of the reasons why he doesnt really want to have one.

Now the real problem started when he found out about my pregnancy. He said that the last time we had sex is bec. i kept pressuring him to have one, just to keep my mouth shut. But when it happened i didnt know i was fertile. He's been asking me if i could wait until he is ready emotionally and mentally bec. he himself is still a child at heart so he's not ready for another responsibility. I may not be prepared emotionally as well but I am not getting any younger. What if the time comes he is ready and I am not able to get pregnant anymore.

Now he is resenting me for having this baby. the more he's not affectionate towards me, just a peck on the cheek or lips when i come home but thats it. Doesnt want to hold my hand anymore when we go out. He doesnt call me sweetheart anymore, but would call me by my name. We would argue left and right about the situation and after a few fights, he started removing his wedding ring and until now for 3 months he hasnt worn it even duriing our wedding anniversary.

He said he is staying with me now bec I am pregnant and of the baby, and maybe just to support me financially. I dont want him to stay because of the baby. Then one time he revealed to me that he has lost his love for me. And now everytime i would ask him if there's still little love he would just say "yes, maybe, i dont know. I dont even know what to do anymore."

As much as I want to save my marriage because of the vows we made, it seems that he doesnt even know if he wants to stay or not. Whenever we would tell our friends of the good news about my pregnancy, he would pretend that he's excited about it, but when we're back alone in the house, i knew he was just faking it. 

I dunno know where to go from here. I am so dependent of my husband and I really dont want to lose him, but i dont want to him to stay either out of pity and because of the baby. Twice when we fought he already threatened to get a divorce, thats his way of getting back at me if he feels that i pressure him again in talking about our situation. As much as I want to end this, when i see him walk away, i cry and beg on my knees for him not to leave me, then he will calm down. He knows in his heart that i will swallow everything that he will say, be it good or bad as long as he'll stay with me. 

Is there something wrong with me for begging him not to leave me? What should I do now? Im just afraid to end up as a single mom. I dont know if there's another woman involved. Now im just paranoid with everything that he would do, from texting, phone calls, etc. 

I need some advise pls pls pls enlighten me!


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## toppi (Oct 3, 2010)

I really feel for you . it sounds like you have been going through a hard time even before you got preganant. do yu really love this man. As much as it makes sense to try your utmost to stay together, you must protect yourself as if you feel like he is only staying because you begged him you will end uo feeling humiliated and resent him in the long run, You should make it plain to him that you want to stay with him and build a family, there is never a right time to have a child and it's reaLLY SOMETHING WE CAN CHOOSE. you are both lucky as a lot of couples are infertile. It sounds like he is frightened of the responsibility and maybe being sidelined and being second best. You could remind him that you will love the child in a different way than him and that he will not be second best, You should not beg but be fiirm and tell him what you need from him at this very important time, give him time to digest but be very determined in what you want as you owe it to yourself and your child to be, Has he had a childhood trau ma, has he been refraining from sex out of fear of having a child. You must look after yourself and try to enjoy this time, try to involve him in all the preparations for the child, maybe he is frightened of not being in control. Ultimately you must look after yourself try not to get too stressed, if after all your efforts he wants to go let him ,More fool him he is missing out on a lot, wish you the best of luck


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Do you have access to counseling? It just sounds like he is controlling you in so many ways. I'm hurting for you! 

It's hard for me to imagine begging a man to stay. I can only imagine how he treats you after that begging happens. It doesn't seem healthy at all.

Have you considered a trial separation? It seems that your relationship would be easier for both of you if you decided to come together rather than felt so dependent upon each other.


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## beauty169 (Oct 9, 2010)

Thank you TOPPI and GODUCKS for the advice and concern. Really appreciate it. You know he even said that this baby is like an intruder, because of the additional responsibility he wont be able to enjoy his life and now we really need to budget our finances. I understand the money part but to view this baby like an intruder? Now im scared that if something goes wrong when the baby comes, im sure he would blame me for everything like "see i told you so" or "this is what you want so deal with it". 

Lately the fights mellowed down because I dont ask him anymore about his feelings for me. He is the type of guy who wont initiate to talk esp for something like this. We can be like this for the next 20 yrs esp if i dont say something. We're civil right now, we go out and eat, work, do our everyday routine but no affection, no love making, no holding hands, not even a 5min. hug. I just want a family but i dont know until when can I do this, swallow my pride just so my family is intact. Everytime I ask him if he wants to fix this marriage, he would always say "maybe, i dont know." Always I dont know. Should I wait until i give birth and settle this issue,whether we separate or not, or ask him now if he wants in or out? Some of my friends are saying just leave and I dont deserve him coz the way he would treat me, even my family is saying that the only way that my marriage will last is because of me and my patience towards him. I love my husband but im not happy with the way things are going and he said he is not happy too. I dont want to think that Im stuck with this for the next 30 yrs of my life. Im so confused


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