# Wifely Duties During "The Silent" and "Silent Lite" Treament



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Please see my posts from April 2013 for background. Two weeks ago I had my first multi-day silent treatment. During then I wondered: does the free maid service, free rent/utilities and sex stop?
Luckily the treatment ended after 4 days. We did okay and we're back to norm when we had an "incident" this past Thursday night (see post in Guys Lounge).

Now we're in this two people living under the same roof but minimal communication mode. Since the first silent treatment, I've left his clothes where they are etc. Ladies under these circumstances does one stop with the freebies (laundry, cooking, etc). I've heard withholding sex is about the worst thing one can do if you are trying to save the marriage so when the Silent Treatment ended I did not hold back--I just did the 180 and didn't cling when he decided to stop avoiding me and spent some time on me.

I'm going through a 7 page network list to find a counselor but need advice in the interim.

Your thoughts?
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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

wifenumber2 said:


> Please see my posts from April 2013 for background. Two weeks ago I had my first multi-day silent treatment. During then I wondered: does the free maid service, free rent/utilities and sex stop?
> Luckily the treatment ended after 4 days. We did okay and we're back to norm when we had an "incident" this past Thursday night (see post in Guys Lounge).
> 
> Now we're in this two people living under the same roof but minimal communication mode. Since the first silent treatment, I've left his clothes where they are etc. Ladies under these circumstances does one stop with the freebies (laundry, cooking, etc). I've heard withholding sex is about the worst thing one can do if you are trying to save the marriage so when the Silent Treatment ended I did not hold back--I just did the 180 and didn't cling when he decided to stop avoidinging me and spent some time on me.
> ...



Not only would I do just as you did but I'm not sure I'd end the 180 just because baby decided he was done pouting. It's childish and I'd make the consequences so uncomfortable that it wouldn't be worth whatever payoff he gets from giving you the silent treatment. Why does he get to decide when it's time to spend time together again? As far as withholding sex, it's not sex you're deliberately withholding; during his pouty fits you basically have no relationship and that includes sex. You're not using sex specifically as a weapon, and I see that as a big difference.
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## relationshipsguide_gal (Apr 6, 2013)

Hi, honestly I can't understand why some people say that withholding sex during silent treatments in the worse thing you could ever do to your husband, and the relationship. I think though that withholding sex can possibly make matters worse because your husband might search for other women "outlets" and you certainly don't want that. I suggest you work out the relationship's intimacy and trust areas asap because withholding sex for long periods could certainly damage the relationship even more. - mae


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

I haven't been withholding for the very reasons that you set forth ^^
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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Coffee4me I do have those thoughts as you have outlined. There is good along with the bad. Up until recently the good was > the bad. In reality, there are two sides to every story; however, if the other party wishes to avoid confrontation how am I to know what I am really doing that is "changeable". He is excellent with my Autistic son. This past week I choked on something and he came to my assistance and was genuinely concerned so I know I don't think I can live like this for a sustained period of time but I owe it to do everything possible before I give up. I can make it on my own financially right away and emotionally with time.
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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Trenton if we could communicate I'd probably never post! Communication without punishment for doing so is what I wish for. It's hard when a lot of my issues deal with how he spends on his kids and how he relates to them. When you are wife number two, you are not in the best position. Then if you have kids too if you say something it an come back to bite you so I try to hold back at times because I ask myself questions like : Could my daughter live with us in the future? If yes would I want him complaining about her.

The spending issues are tricky because he doesn't pay half of our monthly utilities or the mortgage so that is why I get upset with his spending on his kids. This is part my fault for letting this go on 13 years. But in the beginning he had child support and other expenses. In January I decided to approach things in an unemotional way by showing my net pay per month and the mortgage and bills I pay per month. What I was hoping for: how can I help? What do you need? What I got: you're paying too much for cable.

The house looks bad and I wonder why he can't pick things up.

How did you get him to communicate????
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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Frankly, I'd try to keep things as 'normal' as possible during this time, but no way would I have sex with someone who is giving me the silent treatment!

Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse and it needs to stop. It's good that you're going for counseling with him. Good luck!


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

I'm going to counseling and will invite him and hope he goes but two years ago he didn't want to go unless it was to tell the counselor his observations about me. He didn't want something dragged out nor did he want surprises. That was disappointing after I heard how open he was to counseling when dealing with his ex's alcoholism/marriage issues. I wonder in his mind if he even thinks he is contributing to our problems vs its all her being a whacky female.

I'll never know what was going through his head the other night when he got food for 3 out of 4 of us (I was the unlucky person).

Sometimes after pouting/silent treatment (for less than a day$ he won't apologize but sometimes I can tell by his actions that "he got it". That is better than an apology and no change in behavior.
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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

You never owe a man sex, even if you're married. So, if you want to have sex with him, go ahead. And if you don't, don't.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> Frankly, I'd try to keep things as 'normal' as possible during this time, but no way would I have sex with someone who is giving me the silent treatment!
> 
> Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse and it needs to stop. It's good that you're going for counseling with him. Good luck!


:iagree:

So long as he is doing his usual chores etc I would do mine too but I certainly wouldn't enjoy sex with someone who was giving me the silent treatment so, for me, no way. 

If someone insists on being immature and making themself unhappy you cannot stop them. You don't have to sink to their level/mimic their bad behaviour. Instead go do things you genuinely enjoy and with any luck they'll come to their senses that bit more quickly as they realise they are wasting their time trying to bring you down.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, he is abusive in ways other than the silent treatment?


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## Tamra65 (Apr 25, 2013)

Reading about this makes me sad.

Every human being deserves respect.

Sex in a situation like this would almost be akin to rape for me.

I hope you find resolution and peace.

Be well, T


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Cosmos: Love your quote. There is no physical abuse. I have zero tolerance for that. Verbal abuse, that's always a hard one. There has never been a conversation where he has called me by a negative name etc. He hasn't really made threats either. But he can cut you to the quick in an argument (he's told me that he has done it to other people who have "crossed his line in the sand").. 

On a weird development, today he booked us on a quickie cruise for this week which he just told me about an hour ago. It turned out that we had a scheduling conflict so he is trying to get all of the kids and his brother and sister on a cruise in September so he sees us as together in the future. We usually cruise twice/year and we tend to have a good time together.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

During the silent treatment (I've never done it or been through it...) but this wife would have taken the kids and left for a while.

He can be silent by himself. Eff that. I married a man (or so I thought haha) and that is CHILDISH and lame.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

northernlights said:


> You never owe a man sex, even if you're married. So, if you want to have sex with him, go ahead. And if you don't, don't.


This is my answer.


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## Tamra65 (Apr 25, 2013)

My guess is that he is willing to go ahead with plans in September and doesn't plan to leave the marriage for one main reason - the marriage is on his terms? he's getting what he wants without regard for you?

T


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When people say that withholding sex is a bad thing to do, they are not talking about during times when you are not being treated well. The silent treatment lasting for days is considered a form of abuse. 

We teach others how to treat us. You have taught him this is ok. I like the idea of you letting him know what you will not do when he pulls the silent treatment. 

I think that your husband is abusive of you. I remember in particular this thread of yours.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financial-problems-marriage/70782-spending-issues.html

Who is paying for this cruise that he has booked?


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

There was never a question there that I would have ever had sex with him during that time. During the 4 day silent treatment I had no interaction with him at all except one call to arrange transportation for my son which he refused to help me. He moved to a different room and left before I woke up and came home after I went to sleep. I did not call him nor text him. 

He told me during that call about my son not to show up at a funeral for his brother's mother-in-law. I told him that I WAS going as I had called/texted my sister-in-law daily once her mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I went to the funeral and when I walked out with the family, he showed up after me sitting in the back. I walked out with my head high and kept my gaze from him. I didn't run out. I thanked the officiant for a nice service and visited with my sister-in-law. 

The silent treatment started on a Wed night and ended on the following Sunday afternoon. I was on the 180 by then and it was upon his arrival home when he did start to talk to me that I was confused as to whether or not it was harmful or beneficial to be intimate in any form. At that point it was my thought to go with my gut. There is always a nagging thought that if one side of the couple holds out on sex routinely then the other will fulfill their needs outside the marriage/relationship. Just read the posts here. 

The cruise he was going to pay with his debit card (we do not have joint accounts). He will usually pay for the trips. Sometimes when we get to a foreign country, even when he calls his bank ahead of time, they will not allow the charges to go through and I have to use my card. I usually try and he has no issues at all with me writing a check from his company account to reimburse my card.

I am wondering more about "now". In April, I've had the silent treatment (Some men said my comment to his son emasculated my husband) and then the incident this past Thursday with our double-date with his son and the son's girlfriend. If you didn't see the post. We were all standing around a dessert station at a nice function for our NFL team. He grabbed three cookies and gave two to the son and girlfriend and popped one in his mouth and just left me standing there like the fifth wheel. I reached over to the table (no jabbing or pushing) snatched a cookie and in an upbeat but quiet voice said "thank you". He got angry, gave me his half-eaten cookie and told the son, GF and me to get something to eat and he wanted to storm off to a seat in the stadium to watch the draft. He ignored me. I told him sorry but I got hurt because I always feel left out. Later on he chilled but he was silent Friday during the day. *I* chose not to engage him Friday night. I went out for a walk/jog, took a bubble bath, ate my dinner in my room, watched what I wanted on TV and went to bed. 

During the Silent Treatment I just left his clothes where he left him and his dishes where he left them (my son will clean up dishes in the kitchen so I didn't really want to get him involved with the drama so I let that go. Since he came back, I've not picked up his clothes, made his side of the bed or bought him any groceries. I did wash anything he picked up. Soo the question is do I continue with this as a way of bringing to his attention the stuff that I do? Or is it just passive aggressive? 

I'm going to go through my list of in-network counselors to see on the internet who has the best feedback and make an appointment with that person to be seen ASAP. 

I don't know if the cruise was for his sole benefit or his way of apologizing and getting us away as we always enjoy each other's company when we travel. When we travel he does make me feel special. We do not argue. 

If men's brains came with subtitles, the world would be a happier place


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I hate to say this but your hubby sounds like a big baby.

Been there done that. After our marriage my hubby moved in and he wanted eveyrthing his own way. He was used to living along for five years and it was his way or the highway.

I'm the sort of person that likes everything in order while he left all his stuff just lay around. I'd ask him to put it away and he'd say, "I have no place to put it," even though we'd bought certain types of shelving to "house" all his stuff.

Then he started complaning that he had no place NEAR him to put things and started clutter around himself..drove me crazy.

Going back to your post..we had huge fights over this and he'd get to the point where he wouldn't talk to me the rest of the day..no matter how hard I tried..he was pissed and that was it.

The next day was a different matter as good morning meant he was over it.

Good Lord..while I get over a fight in less than a hour..he can sit and brood for an entire day??

Hang in there honey as it does get better. The longer my hubby and are together and the more time we spend together...it does get better as he's not soo controlling anymore.

Hopefully things will continue that way as I refuse to live with a controlling man.

Good luck to you and I hope everything works out..


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Avocado: Thanks for the link. I read it and saved all 6 pages. Instinctively I had followed a lot of the suggestions along with the 180. My silent treatment was like a total ignore though so we didn't physically see each other during that time. I think it was actually easier for me because I did stay busy. 

For some reason he will avoid confrontation. Some of that may come from his first marriage. He was married to an alcoholic who could be verbally abusive. According to him, they had a fight once, she tried to wedge herself between his open driver's door and the car so he wouldn't leave and then said "If you were a real man you would have hit me." He would leave her to avoid engaging in further discussion. He tried to stay in the marriage for the kids but when she accused him of molesting their 12 year old daughter. After that, he mentally divorced himself from that marriage and divorced after 2-3 more years.

When I confront, I try to be calm and keep to the issues; however, if he has really hurt my feelings, I do raise my voice but I try not to take digs at him. If we could just talk things through, I feel we could be in a better place. 

With other people that matter, he is afraid to hurt their feelings--I'm just the only one that he seems not to care about hurting feelings yet compared to the others, I have supported him emotionally and in other ways. I guess no good deed goes unpunished.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

EleGirl: I believe you shared the 180 with me. I am grateful for that. I have shared it with close friends and they all like it too. Thanks so much!


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Yesterday I had a nice day having lunch and running errands with my son. He called as he would on a regular day to see what was going on. I gave him an update. Suggested that we go for a walk. He came home from the shop to coincide with my arrival. 

We hung out, limited talking but more of a normal scenario. He then wanted to go to a swinger's party or something kinky. I told him that I didn't feel comfortable with the Swinger's party (it was a naughty school girl theme). I took the initiative to do something at home which pleased him. Afterwards, I told him that I really didn't feel up to the party and that I do not want third party involvement (a boundary that has been clearly and consistently communicated). He didn't pout because I did take care of him and I initiated.

Less than one hour later, he tells me that he has booked a quickie getaway cruise for us so we can get away. The price was a steal. I told him that since we would be sailing Thursday I would need to text my manager quickly to let him know. He asked me when that concert was that a customer gave us tickets to. The venue is an amphitheater and the customer had a table so that is always a nice arrangement. The guests were of his selection and without asking me: the stepdaughter from his first marriage and her boyfriend AND the son's girlfriend's parents. He asked me if the dates were ok. When I told him that the concert was going to be while we were on the cruise, he got really torn about "snubbing the girlfriend's parents" even if he offered them our tickets so they could take their friends. He was so concerned that he called his son to see if he thought that they would get upset. 

So he started looking for alternative sailing dates but the prices jumped due to the upcoming season…SO we are not going on the cruise because he didn't want to hurt the step daughter or the girlfriend's parent's feelings the other part because he wanted just a quick getaway for us and it was turning stressful. I suggested that maybe we go for an overnight at a nearby casino in the mountains as the drive is nice and we enjoy that. I said it but no response. During the conversations back and forth I made sure that I wasn't adding to the stress either way by being being silent, flexible and offering suggestions (which he seriously considered) to make things work out either on that weekend or alternate weekends.

He did find an itinerary that I really wanted for us to go in September and we just start paying for it now (wise choice) but we are going from it being a getaway for just us to ALL the kids going, also invites to his bother and sister and godmother (I like her). My daughter was included by my instigation; however, since my son is going on a special needs annual cruise in the same month, he understands he might not. Now H has said that the kids will have to pay for their cruise but later dialed back and anticipated they would probably only end up paying 50%….

Next epiphany…I thought that we were alone for the night meaning no son and girlfriend interaction. This is what I dislike--you never know when we will be alone or not. We were watching TV when they just bounced in and started to make their dinner right while I was. To be fair, she is not evil to me. Sometimes she will talk etc. What burned me was the level of comfort the girlfriend has in our house, rummaging through our cabinets to use my cookware etc. I know, it sounds petty as I type this but I feel violated in a way since it's "assumed" that mi casa es su casa". She was heating up frozen lasagne in our oven. It was small (about 4 servings). H asks where his portion is jokingly and after she took it out of the oven, he snuck around and moved it without her knowing. The H of today would never joke with me that way...

What I've Learned...

- with other people that matter to him, he is concerned about hurting their feelings (yet that wasn't the case with me last Thursday night with the cookies)

What I Think…

-there is some sort of 'tension" on his part (I think one way) between him and the son's GF! I don't think it's both ways. She is more than half his age. She is very slender and attractive and I don't think he'd ever do anything stupid because he loves his son too much to hurt him. I think she has to get her own apartment sooner rather than later because I think the attention and the effort that he could be focusing on me and our marriage will never happen until she is no longer living under our roof. 

Supposedly, both of the leases on their college apartments end in May (H and probably her parents have been paying rent for two rental residences they haven't lived in since Dec since they graduated then). I am praying they move out in the next 30 days. It was because I knew of the leases that I hung in there until now because again---at some point it could be my daughter living at home after college for a while and if I complain about his son, it would come back to bite me with my daughter.

Your thoughts?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

wifenumber2 said:


> Cosmos: Love your quote. There is no physical abuse. I have zero tolerance for that. Verbal abuse, that's always a hard one. There has never been a conversation where he has called me by a negative name etc. He hasn't really made threats either. But he can cut you to the quick in an argument (he's told me that he has done it to other people who have "crossed his line in the sand")


Thank you.

Emotional abuse can be far worse, IME, than physical abuse, and should never be discounted as being less serious... However, it doesn't sound like your H is does much more than his passive aggressive silent treatment, but as you've found - that can have a debilitating effect, and it needs to stop. Perhaps the counselor can help with this one.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Couseling appt Monday night.


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