# Spouse training w/ opposite sex in martial arts?



## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

My husband plays BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu). It’s a very hands on sport. You are basically entangled with your partner and rolling around on the floor most of the time. And he does, as he mentioned before, train with other females sometimes. 
This has me feeling very uncomfortable. 

If it was another sport where there wasn’t so much rolling around, I would be fine. But in this sport, it seems like you are actually getting it on with your partner. Google photos of man vs woman BJJ and you’ll see what I mean. 

How would you feel if your husband or wife was doing this sport and was training like that with the opposite sex? Am I being irrational?


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Wow I would be insane if my W were in intimate holds like that with some dude.

Are these single women he is training with or married either case is bad. Do you get to observe his training is he a fellow student or an instructor?

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

This is how I picture most "trainers". Overly touchy egomaniacs

https://www.google.com/search?q=Bra...AUIDCgD&biw=806&bih=393#imgrc=F-78MsXkxebq3M:


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Annizka said:


> My husband plays BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu).
> 
> ..... he mentioned before, *train with other females sometimes*.
> This has me feeling very uncomfortable.
> ...



I would provide you with two comments.

(1) Ask your husband if he has any concerns SOMETIMES training with women in the sport. If he doesn't tell him that while it may be silly and that you trust him, you need him to make sure that if he ever has any sexual feelings that he needs to tell you and the two of you need to figure out how you can make sure your marriage deserves the care and respect it needs.

(2) You should know your husband and how honest and trustworthy he is. If he has never shown any red flags regarding being faithful, and he is a man of his word, then trust him. Also you can also ask if you can periodically go to some of this training sessions, just to watch him as you like seeing him and his martial art skills. If you show up at his practice periodically he will not likely start flirting with his female sparing partners. You might also find that you have far more to offer your H than your imagined competition.

Good luck.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Wow I would be insane if my W were in intimate holds like that with some dude.
> 
> Are these single women he is training with or married either case is bad. Do you get to observe his training is he a fellow student or an instructor?
> 
> Tamat


No, he is not the instructor. He has a couple of girls from the gyms he goes to as friends on Facebook. The girls look like they are in a relationship. And he was, as far as I know, friends on Facebook with them before we met, although I can’t be sure, if that makes any difference. I don’t know about the rest of the girls he sometimes trains with though.

I have mentioned to him before a couple of
times that I’d like to go with him and see him train. He said yes in the future, then dismisses the idea and hasn’t brought it up again since.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> Annizka said:
> 
> 
> > My husband plays BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu).
> ...


So I’m not being irrational in being uncomfortable? 
I’m not afraid of him cheating and don’t think he will, just really don’t like him rolling on the floor with other girls. 

He told me before that he trained with other girls, and that time I was annoyed by it, but let it go since he told me the sport was vey important to him. But this morning I saw pictures of the students in a group photo in the gym page, and seeing the girls, and the photos of how intimate the sport gets made me feel uncomfortable. Imagining him with those girls in such positions kind of made me sick to be honest. And it’s all I can think about since. 
Not sure if I’m irrational, or pregnancy hormones making me feel crazy.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hes your husband . If you comunicate that your uncomfortable with him training with women then he should make a reasonable effort to not train with women.

Start taking yoga classes with males tell him how most everybody in the calss are men. And its unreal how strong they look in yoga pants!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

huh. i train something similar to(based on) Brazilian jujitsu with women often enough... 

refusing to train with them based on their sex would probably get me in a lot of trouble.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You can be uncomfortable with anything. It does not mean that your feeling is rational, reasonable, justified, or that there is anything going on other than in your head.

That said, it's what he does/feels/responds in these situations that should inform your response. If he has done this for a considerable time without any issues, then it is simply a martial art with extensive body contact. I did jiu jitsu with women and there was a lot of body contact, wrestling-type moves and mat work. Not a problem. I've also done tae-kwon-do and aikido with women - similarly, no issues. It's about the sport, the mental discipline, and self-defense. Besides, how can women learn self-defense if they can't train with men?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

In other words the way you see this sport positions is, if... and when it is two males or two females they might be doing homosexual acts because they might be attracting to each other by the repetitiveness and positions of the moves?


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Annizka said:


> My husband plays BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu). It’s a very hands on sport. You are basically entangled with your partner and rolling around on the floor most of the time. And he does, as he mentioned before, train with other females sometimes.
> This has me feeling very uncomfortable.
> 
> If it was another sport where there wasn’t so much rolling around, I would be fine. But in this sport, it seems like you are actually getting it on with your partner. Google photos of man vs woman BJJ and you’ll see what I mean.
> ...




In my opinion, if you tell you husband you do not like this then he should stop. I am sure there are men he can practice with...If he doesn’t agree maybe you should take up ballroom dancing with an attractive male partner.......Sk him how he would feel about that.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> In other words the way you see this sport positions is, if... and when it is two males or two females they might be doing homosexual acts because they might be attracting to each other by the repetitiveness and positions of the moves?


I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. 
If I was homosexual, my wife training with another woman would bother me...
Again not sure what you mean.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> You can be uncomfortable with anything. It does not mean that your feeling is rational, reasonable, justified, or that there is anything going on other than in your head.
> 
> That said, it's what he does/feels/responds in these situations that should inform your response. If he has done this for a considerable time without any issues, then it is simply a martial art with extensive body contact. I did jiu jitsu with women and there was a lot of body contact, wrestling-type moves and mat work. Not a problem. I've also done tae-kwon-do and aikido with women - similarly, no issues. It's about the sport, the mental discipline, and self-defense. Besides, how can women learn self-defense if they can't train with men?


I guess that makes sense. Not gonna lie, I still don’t like it though.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mixed feelings on this one. I want women to be able to effectively defend themselves and to do that, they must spar against men.

On the other hand, it is very uncomfortable contact, especially with BJJ and I would probably have to be present at every session and know the men she was rolling with to be ok with her doing this.

I would probably think it was a good idea because she would get good training but I would be a little on edge.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Pantone429c said:


> Annizka said:
> 
> 
> > My husband plays BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu). It’s a very hands on sport. You are basically entangled with your partner and rolling around on the floor most of the time. And he does, as he mentioned before, train with other females sometimes.
> ...


I know for a fact he would not be happy with me training with a guy. I go to a female only gym. The husband doesn’t like me wearing yoga pants while I’m out, only when I get to the gym. 
I guess the fact that he wants me to be fine with him training with girls, when I shouldn’t wear yoga pants except when I’m in the gym for fear of other men giving me attention, seems kind of weird to me. Then again, maybe they’re not not the same thing..


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Annizka said:


> My husband plays BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu). It’s a very hands on sport. You are basically entangled with your partner and rolling around on the floor most of the time. And he does, as he mentioned before, train with other females sometimes.
> This has me feeling very uncomfortable.
> 
> If it was another sport where there wasn’t so much rolling around, I would be fine. But in this sport, it seems like you are actually getting it on with your partner. Google photos of man vs woman BJJ and you’ll see what I mean.
> ...


Are you being irrational?

Yes...and no.

I have trained in BJJ 3-4 times per week for nearly the last two years. There are some females in our classes. I periodically drill with two of them. 

It is PURELY platonic. I am there to learn and become a better jiujiteiro. In addition, most females I have met in the sport are pretty intensely committed to the practice as well. 

That said, it isn't hard to flirt in that environment. 

Do you have any reason to not trust your husband?


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Mixed feelings on this one. I want women to be able to effectively defend themselves and to do that, they must spar against men.
> 
> On the other hand, it is very uncomfortable contact, especially with BJJ and I would probably have to be present at every session and know the men she was rolling with to be ok with her doing this.
> 
> I would probably think it was a good idea because she would get good training but I would be a little on edge.


Yes, I’m torn between this feeling of being on edge, and him just doing something good and useful like BJJ even if it means having to roll around with girls.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Annizka said:


> I know for a fact he would not be happy with me training with a guy. I go to a female only gym. The husband doesn’t like me wearing yoga pants while I’m out, only when I get to the gym.
> I guess the fact that he wants me to be fine with him training with girls, when I shouldn’t wear yoga pants except when I’m in the gym for fear of other men giving me attention, seems kind of weird to me. Then again, maybe they’re not not the same thing..


Nope.

This is a problem. It also tends to made my Spidey senses tingle when a partner enforces boundaries while not adhering to them.

My advice? Show up to his class...unannounced...and incognito. I don't know how big the gym is, but if you can slip in unnoticed and just watch, I would.

Has your husband ever cheated or carried on what you would deem an inappropriate relationship with another female?


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Annizka said:
> 
> 
> > My husband plays BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu). It’s a very hands on sport. You are basically entangled with your partner and rolling around on the floor most of the time. And he does, as he mentioned before, train with other females sometimes.
> ...


There are no reasons not to trust him. I understand that maybe I am just overthinking this. 
But to think that, what if he happens to be on the floor with a girl and likes it? What if he gets some sort of excitement from it, even if nothing else happens? 

It may all be just purely training and platonic like you said, what if one day it isn’t and he gets these feeling? That’s what’s driving me crazy


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I have a former friend who recently divorced her husband and married her trainer. I know she was not on the up and up, because she unfriended all her old friends who knew her and her husband as a couple for years. She has all new friends...friends of the affair.

Personally, I wouldn't be in favor of my husband rolling around with / wrestling women, regardless if they were single or married....they are female. Sexual and emotional attraction is not limited to single people.

Since he has already rolled around with the women in his group, he needs to quit and find a new group. If he respects you and your marriage, he will not balk at the request. 

Can your husband find an all male group to join? If he has to join another mixed sex group, he needs to stipulate from the beginning that he does not wrestle females.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Annizka said:


> I know for a fact he would not be happy with me training with a guy. I go to a female only gym. The husband doesn’t like me wearing yoga pants while I’m out, only when I get to the gym.
> I guess the fact that he wants me to be fine with him training with girls, when I shouldn’t wear yoga pants except when I’m in the gym for fear of other men giving me attention, seems kind of weird to me. Then again, maybe they’re not not the same thing..


And there we go

He can go to a gym with females, do physical contact with them however you can't go to gym with males or wear yoga pants outside gym?

Control freak? Double standards? Passive aggressive?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Anniska said: "I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. 
If I was homosexual, my wife training with another woman would bother me...
Again not sure what you mean"

I mean: the way you are rationalizing the moves and positions of the sport when it is a male and a female would also apply to people of the same sex doing the same moves/positions. So in other words, since your objections to your husband's physical interactions with a female in your brain are that of a sexual/inappropriate nature, wouldn't it also apply to people of the same sex doing the same moves/positions?

To me, you have deep askew perceptions/insecurities that you are projecting into this sport, just because it is your husband with a female partner. I'm pretty sure that if you were to come to see your husband sparring with another guy, you wouldn't think twice about anything. Double standards my dear? 

Get a grip of your insecurities, you need it.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> @Anniska said: "I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.
> If I was homosexual, my wife training with another woman would bother me...
> Again not sure what you mean"
> 
> ...


Yes, you are smart. If he was with a male partner, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. 

And looks like me and most of the others here that commented have double standards. 

I know I need to “get a grip” on my insecurities, maybe meanwhile you can learn to not be so condescending to me and other posters. Sound good, my dear?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Yes it does, sounds good, MY DEAR. 

Why do you think most people in these forums are here for? Couldn't it be because most of them had been cheated, and their perception are also askew toward anything male/female interactions being inappropriate? Like I said, get a grip.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> Yes it does, sounds good, MY DEAR.
> 
> Why do you think most people in these forums are here for? Couldn't it be because most of them had been cheated, and their perception are also askew toward anything male/female interactions being inappropriate? Like I said, get a grip.


So what are you here for? Have you “gotten a grip”, or not yet?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Annizka said:


> I know for a fact he would not be happy with me training with a guy. I go to a female only gym. The husband doesn’t like me wearing yoga pants while I’m out, only when I get to the gym.
> I guess the fact that he wants me to be fine with him training with girls, when I shouldn’t wear yoga pants except when I’m in the gym for fear of other men giving me attention, seems kind of weird to me. Then again, maybe they’re not not the same thing..


 Double Standards don't work when it comes to boundaries.You both need to be playing by the same rules. He doesn't get a pass.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm here because it pleases me. You in the other hand.....


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> I'm here because it pleases me. You in the other hand.....


Yes, I can see that. I see from your posts that it pleases you to talk down to and be condescending to people in times when they’re at their low. Makes you feel like a big boy, huh?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> @Anniska said: "I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.
> If I was homosexual, my wife training with another woman would bother me...
> Again not sure what you mean"
> 
> ...


Huh, if he was gay then she would have the same problem if it was with a man because he would be sexually attracted to men. :scratchhead: But he is not gay he is sexually attracted to women which is why she has an issue. I don't think this as double standard at all it's just common sense. 

OP is Rob_1 your husband?

I would not be real cool with it if I were you and I am a guy, the fact that he won't even let you go work out when their is men around is a red flag. Not saying he is doing anything wrong but it's interesting that his first though when you do it is there is something at least dangerous to his relationship. Maybe he is projecting from experience. 

Why is it SO necessary that he trains with women, he can't find a man to train with? It's easier when you are married to an adult. Since your not tell him if he can train with girls from now on you are training with guys. Join an male gym.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Excuse me people, but what the hell is going on here now?

How can the practice of a martial arts sport be so ****ing viewed by people as being something so ****ed up as to mean that it is an inappropriate sport? What the heck? Are we becoming so jaded? What's next? A vail and a chastity belt for women, and castration for males before they can interact?

How can any one view the moves/positions of the sparring partners as something sexually charged? Are we becoming the Taliban now? Do we need to bring in the enforcers of the Sharia law?

People: cheaters will cheat no matters what, no matter how religiously you guard your relationship, how many walls you put in front of them, they will cheat, they'll find a way. 

Please, stop with this nonsense.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> Excuse me people, but what the hell is going on here now?
> 
> How can the practice of a martial arts sport be so ****ing viewed by people as being something so ****ed up as to mean that it is an inappropriate sport? What the heck? Are we becoming so jaded? What's next? A vail and a chastity belt for women, and castration for males before they can interact?
> 
> ...


You do know that in JiuJitsu when one person is in the other's "guard" it is basically almost the same as the missionary position?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Manwithnonam said: "JiuJitsu when one person is in the other's "guard" it is basically almost the same as the missionary position?"

So what? What does that means to you? So now, after all these years I'd come to find out that the ultimate goal of JJ is to be able to get your partner in the missionary position..to have sex by domination?

No wonder why the whole world is rushing to practice JJ. Silly me, going on a diatribe about the purity of the sport, and the respect for each other of the sparring partners.

No wonder why the whole world has gone back to the Puritans times. This is what sexual repression does to people's minds. Like I say before, bring the Taliban, and do not forget the Spanish Inquisition. This way we'll keep everyone in check. No one will ever has to worry about their silly insecurities anymore. And before I forget TAM will cease to exist because no one will be ever be able to cheat.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> @Manwithnonam said: "JiuJitsu when one person is in the other's "guard" it is basically almost the same as the missionary position?"
> 
> So what? What does that means to you? So now, after all these years I'd come to find out that the ultimate goal of JJ is to be able to get your partner in the missionary position..to have sex by domination?
> 
> ...


Like I said, my husband has told me before he trained with women, and I never made a problem of it. 
But the fact that when I mention to him that I’d like to see him train, he tells me later. Later on another day, I casually mention to him again, and he tells me the same thing. So I let it go. 
Today I happened to see a group picture of the people he trains with. Two girls he has on Facebook. One of the other girls has her hands on the backs of two men, one being my husband. Now it could be innocent enough, but you must imagine that I’d feel a bit uncomfortable, imagining them on the floor together. Seeing the picture ticked me off. That is why I came here to get opinions. Not saying they must be hooking up. No need for Taliban. Just saying that -it made me uncomfortable. Is it normal to feel this way?- There was no need for you to be so condescending to me in your reply. If you have an opinion, say it respectfully.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Annizka said:


> I know for a fact he would not be happy with me training with a guy. I go to a female only gym. The husband doesn’t like me wearing yoga pants while I’m out, only when I get to the gym.
> I guess the fact that he wants me to be fine with him training with girls, when I shouldn’t wear yoga pants except when I’m in the gym for fear of other men giving me attention, seems kind of weird to me. Then again, maybe they’re not not the same thing..


Now this does bother me. While I think him training with women is fine, I dislike a double standard such as exists here. If YOU want to train elsewhere, or wear yoga pants outside your gym, that should be up to you.

On the other hand, perhaps he has no problem with treating his female training partners platonically, and with respect. There are men who would take inappropriate advantage of the situation, but they would likely be kicked out, or there would be complaints, or no women would train with those guys. He may fear that you will be harassed if you train with men - not an unreasonable concern - but it also seems that he doesn't think you are capable of fending off such attention. If you don't even want to deal with these things, then a double standard helps prevent it.

Still, it's up to you. I dislike double standards, but you can still choose to follow one in practice even while dismissing it philosophically. Just be sure he knows you don't accept it, and certainly not on his "authority."

Or, you could join his class and practice too! Then you can see how he behaves, and blow up any double standard at the same time.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> @Manwithnonam said: "JiuJitsu when one person is in the other's "guard" it is basically almost the same as the missionary position?"
> 
> So what? What does that means to you? So now, after all these years I'd come to find out that the ultimate goal of JJ is to be able to get your partner in the missionary position..to have sex by domination?
> 
> ...


I pointed that out because it was unclear if you understood her issue with her husband training in a sport where he is in what basically amounts to the missionary position with other women. And it was unclear if you understood that particular sport. You asked how someone can see anything sexual in this situation and I answered your question.

The rest of your post is garbage, irrelevant, and negative as usual.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Annizka said:


> My husband plays BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu). It’s a very hands on sport. You are basically entangled with your partner and rolling around on the floor most of the time. And he does, as he mentioned before, train with other females sometimes.
> This has me feeling very uncomfortable.
> 
> If it was another sport where there wasn’t so much rolling around, I would be fine. But in this sport, it seems like you are actually getting it on with your partner. Google photos of man vs woman BJJ and you’ll see what I mean.
> ...


You are being as irrational as your husband with his demands concerning your gym training. Either both can, or neither can. 

You are entitled to feel uncomfortable.

I've trained the sport. There is nothing a man can gain from training with a woman, unless he is not built like a man. 

So your problem really is the double standard issue.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Mixed feelings on this one. I want women to be able to effectively defend themselves and to do that, they must spar against men.
> 
> On the other hand, it is very uncomfortable contact, especially with BJJ and I would probably have to be present at every session and know the men she was rolling with to be ok with her doing this.
> 
> I would probably think it was a good idea because she would get good training but I would be a little on edge.


Agree 100% on women being able to defend themselves. However, this would require eye pokes, groin/throat strikes etc. anything it takes to get away from an assailant. Not sport BJJ. Most women don't stand a chance in a grappling match with most men.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Annizka said:


> My husband plays BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu). It’s a very hands on sport. You are basically entangled with your partner and rolling around on the floor most of the time. And he does, as he mentioned before, train with other females sometimes.
> This has me feeling very uncomfortable.
> 
> If it was another sport where there wasn’t so much rolling around, I would be fine. But in this sport, it seems like you are actually getting it on with your partner. Google photos of man vs woman BJJ and you’ll see what I mean.
> ...


If they're the sort of person who will cheat, there is nothing you can do to stop it. You might think that particular activity is risky, but then they turn around and develop something with someone right under your nose doing something you didn't even know was happening. You might think having sufficient boundaries will prevent it, but it's not your boundaries that matter.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Annizka said:


> My husband plays BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu). It’s a very hands on sport. You are basically entangled with your partner and rolling around on the floor most of the time. And he does, as he mentioned before, train with other females sometimes.
> This has me feeling very uncomfortable.
> 
> If it was another sport where there wasn’t so much rolling around, I would be fine. But in this sport, it seems like you are actually getting it on with your partner. Google photos of man vs woman BJJ and you’ll see what I mean.
> ...


If you are not comfortable with it, you should have a discussion with him about if. Simply say that you are not comfortable with the co-ed BJJ and that you would prefer that he ‘roll’ with a guy. If he respects you, he will seriously consider it. If he just blows you off, you have more serious problems in your relationship. 

My brother and his wife were avidly involved in BJJ. They went to the same school and my sister-in-Law rolled with guys all the time. Granted that my brother was there most of the time, and I’m sure he kept an eye on things, but sometimes my SIL would go alone and my brother was comfortable with it. To them it was exercise and a sport.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> @Manwithnonam said: "JiuJitsu when one person is in the other's "guard" it is basically almost the same as the missionary position?"
> 
> So what? What does that means to you? So now, after all these years I'd come to find out that the ultimate goal of JJ is to be able to get your partner in the missionary position..to have sex by domination?
> 
> ...


In a broader sense, I agree with you, Rob. It is jiu-jitsu, and I have seen little to no sexual or flirting type interaction in my two years of doing the sport.

In a more narrow sense, her husband has a really nasty double standard in his boundaries, and that is complete ********. This leads me to believe that there may be something more than just simple hipocracy going on. It's worth examining.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

I’m curious. To the guys that did this sport and trained with females, honestly speaking, did you ever get..turned on or excited? 
I’m just trying to understand. Maybe as a female I think differently, or maybe it’s just my insecurities which I admit I have.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Annizka said:


> I’m curious. To the guys that did this sport and trained with females, honestly speaking, did you ever get..turned on or excited?
> I’m just trying to understand. Maybe as a female I think differently, or maybe it’s just my insecurities which I admit I have.


Not even remotely. I was too focused on not having my ass handed to me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Annizka said:


> I’m curious. To the guys that did this sport and trained with females, honestly speaking, did you ever get..turned on or excited?
> I’m just trying to understand. Maybe as a female I think differently, or maybe it’s just my insecurities which I admit I have.


Nope. I'm either desperately trying to prevent her from getting the best of me, or focused on teaching her, depending on the skill level.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@farsidejunky said: "In a more narrow sense, her husband has a really nasty double standard in his boundaries, and that is complete ********. This leads me to believe that there may be something more than just simple hipocracy going on. It's worth examining."

I agree with you. I missed that part from the OP subsequent post. That's nasty double standard from the OP husband. Nonetheless, it seems that there might or not be something going on from the husband's part by refusing to bring the OP to watch him practice, but BJJ body contact/positions it isn't. If the OP has reservations about her husband's activities during his BJJ, It is my opinion that she should investigate those concerns, not concentrating her misgivings on the actual sport itself, because if her husband is not in the up and up it is not during practice with the females, but afterwards. 

Just like in any situation in life, those that want to cheat they will cheat, regardless. They'll find a way to do it even in church (it happens more often than we might be willing to accept)


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

manwithnoname said:


> Agree 100% on women being able to defend themselves. However, this would require eye pokes, groin/throat strikes etc. anything it takes to get away from an assailant. Not sport BJJ. Most women don't stand a chance in a grappling match with most men.


Actually, top women fighters always spar against men to give them a competitive edge.


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

I can speak as a guy but I don't see what value your husband gets from this nor how it helps your marriage.

The BJJ I am sure many spouse would not like a guy mounting a woman. I would tell your husband you find it disrespectful and you want him to stop.
I'm not saying it's the right way but I like the previous persons mention of you should go start taking up tango or other dances and post pictures of yourself on Facebook with other men. That should ring the bell that you aren't joking and maybe get him to be empathetic. But you need to actually follow through with it to be effective. Sadly I'm in a similar spot where my wife is not responsive to my concerns about her male friends and it's creating huge heavy heart. 

To be honest I can't see why a married man would even touch this area and start doing full contact sport with another woman like that. Just asking for trouble and hurt feelings. 

My opinion your concern is totally justified. I would never accept my wife doing BJJ and having some guy mount her.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

concernedhub said:


> To be honest I can't see why a married man would even touch this area and start doing full contact sport with another woman like that. Just asking for trouble and hurt feelings.


eh, i do it as part of my job. i have never personally seen any issues with it, but i can see how it could become an issue for some people. 

i find it interesting that you mention mounting as the biggest concern. the most awkward position i have found myself in when sparing with a woman was when i was breaking her guard and wasnt fast/violent enough with it. she ended up clamping my head and arm between her legs and then tried to do some weird malformed triangle choke thingy that ended up just slamming my nose into her crotch until i flipper her off of me. made my ears and face hurt...


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

I'm speaking as a man I would not want my wife rolling around on the floor with another man. I'm pretty conservative and would not expect my wife to have me doing it.

I would not be with someone in that kind of job to start with just because I know it would be an issue going in the door so I'd avoid it. In this case it's tough as sounds like he was doing it from the beginning and now she realizes it's driving her crazy. Just like marrying an ice skater who has a partner and she would be with all the time, at some point it feels like too much contact. Some people could do it, I know I would not prefer that type.

People often throw around the trust thing and I think it's a two way street. In this case I think she's reasonable to think it crosses a line but I'm old school so this may not be popular opinion today. I just can totally empathize with her as you feel like no win situation in case like this but her feelings are totally valid.



As'laDain said:


> eh, i do it as part of my job. i have never personally seen any issues with it, but i can see how it could become an issue for some people.
> 
> i find it interesting that you mention mounting as the biggest concern. the most awkward position i have found myself in when sparing with a woman was when i was breaking her guard and wasnt fast/violent enough with it. she ended up clamping my head and arm between her legs and then tried to do some weird malformed triangle choke thingy that ended up just slamming my nose into her crotch until i flipper her off of me. made my ears and face hurt...


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Actually, top women fighters always spar against men to give them a competitive edge.


Absolutely. And this would be effective for the female. My point was he is likely not getting anything out of it (other than perhaps a boner) so it's likely not helping him improve his game. Unless he's a weakling of a man.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I've been training in martial arts for 15 years. Granted my style doesn't require rolling around on the floor, but I have sparred many men over the years. There just aren't enough women. 

I can't speak for the men involved, but I personally have never felt sexual tension on the mat. On the contrary..... I've often had the feeling that I'm not the type of woman most of the guys want. It takes a unique guy to really be comfortable with a woman that fights, even though to look at me you'd never guess that I fight. 

I've felt more sexual tension with other runners and coworkers.

However, my hb is welcome to observe anytime, and he has. One who has a problem with a spouse observing is probably up to no good.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

To the OP...this is interesting because I recently had a discussion about this topic with a female friend. She does BJJ and a couple other types of MA, specifically the types that have people "mounting" each other and in extremely sexual "looking" positions. Plus they are all wearing thin material short gym pants and tight thin tops. She is a gorgeous gal and in top shape. She is kind of short so she can't always kick ass on a guy who is 6'5 or something, but any guy who is 5'10 or so and less than 200 pounds, she can hold her own or kick their ass. She knows when the guys are holding back and everyone is supposed to hold back in practice, but there are times she knows she actually did hand the guy his ass and they weren't holding back. 

So here she is this single hot fit ass kicking blonde in these classes of mostly men. She says one or two other women show up usually, and then like 20 guys. She's new to this sport so she's explaining the scene to me and how funny and odd it is they practice in such bizarre poses and with body parts just literally mashed together. She said it was unlike other MA sports that she's done before. She said it's not like it turns her on but it's just unusual to be literally straddled across a mans neck or groin when you aren't having sex with him!

Though she is turned on generally speaking by some of these guys because some are just so hot and fit and athletic and that's what she's into. But when she's practicing and touching or mounting them, she isn't feeling arousal or anything like that. She is there learning a sport that requires all of her attention to get it right.

Then she described how there's a waiting area where people can watch through glass, and she's always aware immediately if one of these guys wife is watching. She said she's seen a couple times what looked like a "ugh, really?" faces on them. But she said she doesn't blame the women for feeling weird about it and said she also would feel weird about it if she had a boyfriend and some hot chick was sitting on his neck. 

She is single, she's not after any of the committed ones, but if a single hot one turns up in class she would definitely gravitate toward him.

She says that none of the guys "feel" like they are getting turned on by this. They are concentrating on not getting their ass kicked and learning the sport. However during the breaks and before and after a lot of the guys do chat with her and she thinks maybe some are flirting with her but certainly nothing blatant or weird. If one of the committed ones flirts with her, she shies away from him and ignores him from then on.

So that's just some perspective for you I hope can help. When I saw your thread I had to chime in since I recently had this discussion.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Personally I think it's dubious for a guy to train in BJJ with all but really buff women. Your average guy is way stronger than a woman. There is a reason why almost every sport is divided up into men's and women's competitions. Also I've watched MMA for years so I know exactly what you mean with BJJ. It would certainly bother me if my wife was doing this with guys. I see no reason why it should be different for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Annizka said:


> My husband plays BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu). It’s a very hands on sport. You are basically entangled with your partner and rolling around on the floor most of the time. And he does, as he mentioned before, train with other females sometimes.
> This has me feeling very uncomfortable.
> 
> If it was another sport where there wasn’t so much rolling around, I would be fine. But in this sport, it seems like you are actually getting it on with your partner. Google photos of man vs woman BJJ and you’ll see what I mean.
> ...


I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't like it. I would feel very uncomfortable rolling around in that way with a man who wasn't my husband, sport or not. 
I would suggest that he only trains with other men. Its hard to see how a man and woman could train together anyway with the differences in physical strength. It seems there are far more men in the sport so I cant see there would be any problem if he didn't train with a woman.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

concernedhub said:


> I'm speaking as a man I would not want my wife rolling around on the floor with another man. I'm pretty conservative and would not expect my wife to have me doing it.
> 
> I would not be with someone in that kind of job to start with just because I know it would be an issue going in the door so I'd avoid it. In this case it's tough as sounds like he was doing it from the beginning and now she realizes it's driving her crazy. Just like marrying an ice skater who has a partner and she would be with all the time, at some point it feels like too much contact. Some people could do it, I know I would not prefer that type.
> 
> People often throw around the trust thing and I think it's a two way street. In this case I think she's reasonable to think it crosses a line but I'm old school so this may not be popular opinion today. I just can totally empathize with her as you feel like no win situation in case like this but her feelings are totally valid.


I agree with you, and just thinking of the strictly come dancing programme here in the UK, in almost every series there has been an affair between the celebrity and their partner because spending too long with another person with so much physical contact is a bad thing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Annizka said:


> No, he is not the instructor. He has a couple of girls from the gyms he goes to as friends on Facebook. The girls look like they are in a relationship. And he was, as far as I know, friends on Facebook with them before we met, although I can’t be sure, if that makes any difference. I don’t know about the rest of the girls he sometimes trains with though.
> 
> I have mentioned to him before a couple of
> times that I’d like to go with him and see him train. He said yes in the future, then dismisses the idea and hasn’t brought it up again since.


So why cant he train with a man? I would just tell him that next time you are going along to watch. 
Honestly if you have told him of your concerns, and he still does it, that is wrong. There are clearly far more men who do this so there is no reason at all for him to have to train with women.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As'laDain said:


> huh. i train something similar to(based on) Brazilian jujitsu with women often enough...
> 
> refusing to train with them based on their sex would probably get me in a lot of trouble.


Surely if you spouse wasnt happy about it you would cope with the 'trouble'. I would respect a man who made it clear that he would only train with another man.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Annizka said:


> I know for a fact he would not be happy with me training with a guy. I go to a female only gym. The husband doesn’t like me wearing yoga pants while I’m out, only when I get to the gym.
> I guess the fact that he wants me to be fine with him training with girls, when I shouldn’t wear yoga pants except when I’m in the gym for fear of other men giving me attention, seems kind of weird to me. Then again, maybe they’re not not the same thing..


Now that is hypocritical.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

manwithnoname said:


> You do know that in JiuJitsu when one person is in the other's "guard" it is basically almost the same as the missionary position?


Except for one niggling but important detail. 

Did you know that when your wife is loading the dishwasher, it is basically almost the same as an invitation to copulating doggie style?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Annizka said:


> I’m curious. To the guys that did this sport and trained with females, honestly speaking, did you ever get..turned on or excited?
> I’m just trying to understand. Maybe as a female I think differently, or maybe it’s just my insecurities which I admit I have.


You don't really want a list of the ways in which men get aroused by women, if you have to ask. 

Trust me.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Thank you for your contributions, everyone. 

No one can help when they get turned on. It’s natural and can’t really be controlled. If a man happens to be turned on while training with a female, it doesn’t mean he’ll cheat, if he’s a decent guy. Same thing if the roles where reversed. 

I understand that, and don’t think my husband would cheat on me because he was turned on by a girl he trained with. But the fact he even was in the situation where he was turned on, when it could have been avoided in the first place if he could have instead trained with a guy, is what makes me uncomfortable.

Why would my husband not want me wearing yoga pants or have me delete guy friends and acquaintances from Facebook? He knows I would never cheat, but I guess he doesn’t want me to be in such situations in the first place to begin with. 

I think we are both jealous and very protective of each other. But I do what he wants when I know he’s feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t do the same with me. I admit that I don’t have a backbone sometimes. It’s something I need to work on to be more assertive in a healthy way. 

He has injured his hand, so is not going to the BJJ classes for a while. Next time he goes, I’ll again mention that I’d like to go and see him train. Honestly, it’s not even (well, maybe a part of it is  ) that I want to keep an eye on him, I am interested to see his sport and see him enjoying himself in something he loves doing.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> To the OP...this is interesting because I recently had a discussion about this topic with a female friend. She does BJJ and a couple other types of MA, specifically the types that have people "mounting" each other and in extremely sexual "looking" positions. Plus they are all wearing thin material short gym pants and tight thin tops. She is a gorgeous gal and in top shape. She is kind of short so she can't always kick ass on a guy who is 6'5 or something, but any guy who is 5'10 or so and less than 200 pounds, she can hold her own or kick their ass. She knows when the guys are holding back and everyone is supposed to hold back in practice, but there are times she knows she actually did hand the guy his ass and they weren't holding back.
> 
> So here she is this single hot fit ass kicking blonde in these classes of mostly men. She says one or two other women show up usually, and then like 20 guys. She's new to this sport so she's explaining the scene to me and how funny and odd it is they practice in such bizarre poses and with body parts just literally mashed together. She said it was unlike other MA sports that she's done before. She said it's not like it turns her on but it's just unusual to be literally straddled across a mans neck or groin when you aren't having sex with him!
> 
> ...


Very interesting. Thank you for sharing


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Annizka said:


> So I’m not being irrational in being uncomfortable?
> I’m not afraid of him cheating and don’t think he will, just really don’t like him rolling on the floor with other girls.
> 
> He told me before that he trained with other girls, and that time I was annoyed by it, but let it go since he told me the sport was vey important to him. But this morning I saw pictures of the students in a group photo in the gym page, and seeing the girls, and the photos of how intimate the sport gets made me feel uncomfortable. Imagining him with those girls in such positions kind of made me sick to be honest. And it’s all I can think about since.
> Not sure if I’m irrational, or pregnancy hormones making me feel crazy.


I checked out the pics and believe you have all the right in your he world to feel the way you do. You aren’t being irrational or anything else.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

OP, I think instead of asking if you can go see him training, you should just wear yoga pants to the grocery store. When he says something about it then playfully tell him that you will protect his sensitivities about the yoga pants when he protects yours by inviting you to BJJ of his own accord. If he gets fussy about it, just change the subject and move on. Continue to wear yoga pants anywhere you feel like wearing them. That's how to get your backbone back.

And maybe you could take up salsa dancing, where when you are learning and practicing you are in the arms of another man over and over. And it really isn't sexual (for serious dancers) but it sure looks like it is to an observer. BAM!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Surely if you spouse wasnt happy about it you would cope with the 'trouble'. I would respect a man who made it clear that he would only train with another man.


no. not in this case. soldiers need to train. my wife would have to get over it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

concernedhub said:


> I'm speaking as a man I would not want my wife rolling around on the floor with another man. I'm pretty conservative and would not expect my wife to have me doing it.
> 
> I would not be with someone in that kind of job to start with just because I know it would be an issue going in the door so I'd avoid it. In this case it's tough as sounds like he was doing it from the beginning and now she realizes it's driving her crazy. Just like marrying an ice skater who has a partner and she would be with all the time, at some point it feels like too much contact. Some people could do it, I know I would not prefer that type.
> 
> People often throw around the trust thing and I think it's a two way street. In this case I think she's reasonable to think it crosses a line but I'm old school so this may not be popular opinion today. I just can totally empathize with her as you feel like no win situation in case like this but her feelings are totally valid.


oh, her feelings are valid, sure. just like my wifes feelings were valid when i informed her the first time i practice combatives with females in my unit. my wife married me knowing i was in the army, she just didnt expect females to be allowed into combat arms. to be fair to her though, neither did i. it would be much easier for OP's husband to avoid sparring with females than it would for me to avoid it. i cant arbitrarily decide not to train females as well as i train males.


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

In the case of the person starting this thread it sounds like a recreational pursuit.

You are a unique case but as advice all I can say is I doubt many spouses would sign up for having their Wife or Husband doing such things if they saw the positional and closeness involved.

I’d have a big problem with some guy training with my Wife and being on top of her crotch to crotch.

My Wife does the hot yoga and there are men in the class but if it involves body contact that would totally change the situation.

All I can do is give me one person opinion here. I think OP should be more vocal to her Husband.

I wonder if she can involve his family etc and get is Mother or Father to speak up.


As'laDain said:


> concernedhub said:
> 
> 
> > I'm speaking as a man I would not want my wife rolling around on the floor with another man. I'm pretty conservative and would not expect my wife to have me doing it.
> ...


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Annizka, maybe you should think about taking up bjj yourself. It's good exercise and everyone should know how to defend themselves. You could go with your husband and might find by rolling around with the other men in the class that you have nothing to worry about. Or he might suddenly get your point.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Except for one niggling but important detail.
> 
> Did you know that when your wife is loading the dishwasher, it is basically almost the same as an invitation to copulating doggie style?


Is there another reason to buy a dishwasher???>


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> OP, I think instead of asking if you can go see him training, you should just wear yoga pants to the grocery store. When he says something about it then playfully tell him that you will protect his sensitivities about the yoga pants when he protects yours by inviting you to BJJ of his own accord. If he gets fussy about it, just change the subject and move on. Continue to wear yoga pants anywhere you feel like wearing them. That's how to get your backbone back.
> 
> And maybe you could take up salsa dancing, where when you are learning and practicing you are in the arms of another man over and over. And it really isn't sexual (for serious dancers) but it sure looks like it is to an observer. BAM!


This.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> OP, I think instead of asking if you can go see him training, you should just wear yoga pants to the grocery store. When he says something about it then playfully tell him that you will protect his sensitivities about the yoga pants when he protects yours by inviting you to BJJ of his own accord. If he gets fussy about it, just change the subject and move on. Continue to wear yoga pants anywhere you feel like wearing them. That's how to get your backbone back.
> 
> And maybe you could take up salsa dancing, where when you are learning and practicing you are in the arms of another man over and over. And it really isn't sexual (for serious dancers) but it sure looks like it is to an observer. BAM!


Beat me to it.

I gave this thread some thought. I tend to empathize to see someone else's POV but after considering, I wouldn't mind Mrs. Conan doing this at all. I'm uber confident and I trust her.

I wouldn't be bothered if she even got turned on occasionally as long as she continued to bring her worked up body to me to take care of like she always has.

Mrs. Conan probably wouldn't however because she is far more conservative than I.
@Annizka

What concerns me most is the hypocrisy that your husband is apparently displaying.

I agree with FW in that sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander here.

Please find a way to wear tight and athletic cloths while engaging in a very physical activity that requires you to press your lady bits against an athletic man's face or crotch. BJJ comes to mind but I'm sure you can find a suitable alternative.:wink2:

There is an imbalance in your marriage and I believe it should be remedied for equity with you both.

If he has no problem rolling with other women, he should not have any objections to you doing something similar.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

yeah, like the other posters, it is the hypocrisy that would bother me the most. my wife practices martial arts as well, that has never bothered me. 


interestingly enough, she was far less bothered by the thought of me practicing combatives with females after she started practicing martial arts herself. if you are truly sparing with someone, as opposed to just practicing form, getting turned on is the last thing that happens. headaches, bruises, and anxiety from not being able to breath while trying to remember to perform the correct move at the correct time...

well, that happens a lot.


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

The good thing is this is actually an actionable plan and she can quickly take into dancing classes. Then she can come home post on Facebook and even show him and say he dear look at this it was so much fun. I’m sure he’ll be pissy and that’s when the conversation leads to you do A, I do A.

.


Nucking Futs said:


> Annizka, maybe you should think about taking up bjj yourself. It's good exercise and everyone should know how to defend themselves. You could go with your husband and might find by rolling around with the other men in the class that you have nothing to worry about. Or he might suddenly get your point.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Is there another reason to buy a dishwasher???>


Nope. She thought it was for her.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I don't think some of you understand the mindset of a person rolling with a sparing partner and the physical aspects involved. Your goal is to reach what is called a zen state where there is really no thinking involved, you are instead reacting to your partners movements. Like muscle memory. If you think to much, you will lose the battle 9 times out of 10. So I dont think rolling causes one to have sexual thoughts. Any mental distractions isn't going to bode well for you in a sparing match. 

Now top that off, you are exerting all of your physical efforts into this. It is extremely tiring to roll. Ive had a long day from work and it turned me off from sex because I was too tired. I'm sure practically everyone has experienced this. 

Now imagine using all of your physical strengths, while simultaneously trying to reach a zen state of mind where you're actually shutting off your brain to any thought and simply reacting to your partners movements using muscle memories established from years of training. I don't know where sexual thought would have any place to enter into that equation at all.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I don't think some of you understand the mindset of a person rolling with a sparing partner and the physical aspects involved. Your goal is to reach what is called a zen state where there is really no thinking involved, you are instead reacting to your partners movements. Like muscle memory. If you think to much, you will lose the battle 9 times out of 10. So I dont think rolling causes one to have sexual thoughts. Any mental distractions isn't going to bode well for you in a sparing match.
> 
> Now top that off, you are exerting all of your physical efforts into this. It is extremely tiring to roll. Ive had a long day from work and it turned me off from sex because I was too tired. I'm sure practically everyone has experienced this.
> 
> Now imagine using all of your physical strengths, while simultaneously trying to reach a zen state of mind where you're actually shutting off your brain to any thought and simply reacting to your partners movements using muscle memories established from years of training. I don't know where sexual thought would have any place to enter into that equation at all.


only people who have practiced it would really understand that...

what i dont know, however, and OP does not know either since she has never been to one of his practice sessions, is if her husband is actually sparring with these women or just practicing form. there is a big difference. i would be suspicious of anyone who only wants to practice form. without sparring, you have no idea where you actually need to improve.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Its a sport and nothing sexual about it at all.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I used to train in Krav Maga. I always got partnered with the men as my level was higher and I was more aggressive in it than most women. There is nothing sexual in defense training. You are there to kick butt!


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

I think that is an idealized version I just went and looked at some picture.in some cases it’s guy directly on top crotch to crotch. In others it’s a leg around neck with face to the training partners crotch.

While it may in fact be sport, there’s no doubt there’s some sensuality too it. If I was doing it I would be very aware of the position I was in with her. 

While some may be ok I can easily see why many would not. I’d just like to think a spouse would consider their spouses feeling on it and not put them I bad spot.



MovingForward said:


> Its a sport and nothing sexual about it at all.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

concernedhub said:


> I think that is an idealized version I just went and looked at some picture.in some cases it’s guy directly on top crotch to crotch. In others it’s a leg around neck with face to the training partners crotch.
> 
> While it may in fact be sport, there’s no doubt there’s some sensuality too it. If I was doing it I would be very aware of the position I was in with her.
> 
> While some may be ok I can easily see why many would not. I’d just like to think a spouse would consider their spouses feeling on it and not put them I bad spot.


if you were aware of any sensuality while sparring, you would quickly get your butt kicked. you would learn pretty quick to not get distracted by such things. 

unless you dont spar, hence my previous comments on it.

the position you mentioned is likely just the typical guard. if you are between your opponents legs, you are in their guard. it means you are actually at a disadvantage, because your opponent can more easily manipulate you into a lock than you can them. mainly because they have more options.


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

Regardless of mine or your opinion I think her Husband should be emathetic and consider how she feels.
If he doesn’t then I think she should sign up ASAP for those dance lessons.



As'laDain said:


> concernedhub said:
> 
> 
> > I think that is an idealized version I just went and looked at some picture.in some cases it’s guy directly on top crotch to crotch. In others it’s a leg around neck with face to the training partners crotch.
> ...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

concernedhub said:


> Regardless of mine or your opinion I think her Husband should be emathetic and consider how she feels.
> If he doesn’t then I think she should sign up ASAP for those dance lessons.


i think she should sign up for them anyway. i also think she should try taking some classes in BJJ. 

maybe they would both learn some things...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> only people who have practiced it would really understand that...
> 
> what i dont know, however, and OP does not know either since she has never been to one of his practice sessions, is if her husband is actually sparring with these women or just practicing form. there is a big difference. i would be suspicious of anyone who only wants to practice form. without sparring, you have no idea where you actually need to improve.


Speaking only from my own experience of course, but I'm pretty sure most of the men I've sparred with, with the exception of the masters (who typically don't spar..... they teach and observe), were sparring and not practicing. I say this based on seeing them spar other men.....we're padded and i hit hard. Generally getting hit hard compels one to forget who their opponent is and hit back.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Speaking only from my own experience of course, but I'm pretty sure most of the men I've sparred with, with the exception of the masters (who typically don't spar..... they teach and observe), were sparring and not practicing. I say this based on seeing them spar other men.....we're padded and i hit hard. Generally getting hit hard compels one to forget who their opponent is and hit back.


most people who go regularly for long periods of time DO spar, so i would be inclined to believe that OP's husband spars rather than practices. but, you never know. OP should go see for herself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I don't think whether the competitors find it sexually arousing or not is the issue. Its whether its appropriate or helpful for a married man or woman to be getting into what are pretty intimate positions with someone of the opposite sex. 
Whether its martial arts or dancing its very similar. 

If there are far more men than women in the sport, then he has no need to train with other women at all. The fact that he doesn't want her going along to watch shows that he isn't 100% comfortable about it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> I don't think whether the competitors find it sexually arousing or not is the issue. Its whether its appropriate or helpful for a married man or woman to be getting into what are pretty intimate positions with someone of the opposite sex.
> Whether its martial arts or dancing its very similar.
> 
> If there are far more men than women in the sport, then he has no need to train with other women at all. The fact that he doesn't want her going along to watch shows that he isn't 100% comfortable about it.


this is one of those things that is difficult to explain. 

for most schools, one of the things they have their students do is train other students, including sparring with them. in the schools i have attended, i usually did not choose my sparring partner. sometimes i could choose my partner when just practicing form and new moves, but usually they were assigned to me. someone who was more experienced would told to work with me. and, i would be told to train others in the same fashion. 

in my case, there is absolutely no excuse for me refusing to train with females. but, i get that my situation is a bit unique. 

it could be that the OP's husband is just worried that no matter how platonic it is, his wife will over react. but, it could just as easily be that he has something to hide. she should go there and watch him to try and determine that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> most people who go regularly for long periods of time DO spar, so i would be inclined to believe that OP's husband spars rather than practices. but, you never know. OP should go see for herself.


Agreed. My hb is welcome to observe and has a few times.

I tend to think him not wanting her to watch is suspect.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As'laDain said:


> this is one of those things that is difficult to explain.
> 
> for most schools, one of the things they have their students do is train other students, including sparring with them. in the schools i have attended, i usually did not choose my sparring partner. sometimes i could choose my partner when just practicing form and new moves, but usually they were assigned to me. someone who was more experienced would told to work with me. and, i would be told to train others in the same fashion.
> 
> ...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Agreed. My hb is welcome to observe and has a few times.
> 
> *I tend to think him not wanting her to watch is suspect.*


same.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As'laDain said:


> this is one of those things that is difficult to explain.
> 
> for most schools, one of the things they have their students do is train other students, including sparring with them. in the schools i have attended, i usually did not choose my sparring partner. sometimes i could choose my partner when just practicing form and new moves, but usually they were assigned to me. someone who was more experienced would told to work with me. and, i would be told to train others in the same fashion.
> 
> ...


I get what you are saying but surely a man has a right to say that he only wants to have male partners? Especially if there are many more of them? I would really respect a man who stood up for his wife and marriage in that way, although many women would hate it of course. 
Its like if I went to a dancing club, I only want to dance with my husband not all the other men.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> I get what you are saying but surely a man has a right to say that he only wants to have male partners? Especially if there are many more of them? I would really respect a man who stood up for his wife and marriage in that way, although many women would hate it of course.
> Its like if I went to a dancing club, I only want to dance with my husband not all the other men.


men of sport, yea. they have the option. i dont. if my wife decided it was a deal breaker, then the deal would be broken. 

OP really needs to go see him practice...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> I get what you are saying but surely a man has a right to say that he only wants to have male partners? Especially if there are many more of them? I would really respect a man who stood up for his wife and marriage in that way, although many women would hate it of course.
> Its like if I went to a dancing club, I only want to dance with my husband not all the other men.


I see what you are saying but putting aside all red flags in his behaviour and just talking about someone interacting with the opposite sex in a sport, I don't feel good about this. If interacting with other people is not the intention, why go at all? If the only person you were interested in dancing with was your spouse, wouldn't you just get private lessons or just go dancing with him? The purpose of a club is to interact with other people. Limiting that interaction to just men or just women feels very sexist.

On the other side of it, we are not talking to him right now, we are talking to the wife, and he obviously does not want to do this, therefore her trying to make it happen would be an effort to control him.

If in our society we had to separate interaction between the sexes because of the insecurities of their partners, we are perpetuating a terrible rift between the sexes.

What should happen is both partners should be mindful of their interactions and if they felt inappropriate feelings developing for someone of the opposite sex they should stop that interaction with that person. That's in a world where we are all held accountable for our own actions and given the free will to make the choice.

Obviously, many people haven't been and won't be proactive in protecting their relationship, but I feel that trying to control your spouse will never be the answer.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I get what you are saying but surely a man has a right to say that he only wants to have male partners? Especially if there are many more of them? I would really respect a man who stood up for his wife and marriage in that way, although many women would hate it of course.
> Its like if I went to a dancing club, I only want to dance with my husband not all the other men.


Have you missed the part where As'la is in the military? His body belongs to the United States of America and he will do what he is told. Period.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

concernedhub said:


> I think that is an idealized version I just went and looked at some picture.in some cases it’s guy directly on top crotch to crotch. In others it’s a leg around neck with face to the training partners crotch.
> 
> While it may in fact be sport, there’s no doubt there’s some sensuality too it. If I was doing it I would be very aware of the position I was in with her.
> 
> While some may be ok I can easily see why many would not. I’d just like to think a spouse would consider their spouses feeling on it and not put them I bad spot.


Nothing sensual about it at all, watch an MMA bout to get a better idea.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

No wonder Concerned husband is in such turmoil in his own marriage. When someone starts to to see BJJ as something sensual in his/her mind, we are seeing someone with a serious ****ed-up mind.


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

Well I came to this website for help and then made the mistake of trying to give an opinion.

I don’t have a desire to have to defend myself for an opinion and just find what you posted as nothing more than a personal hit job.

No need reply as have no need to return to this forum.



Rob_1 said:


> No wonder Concerned husband is in such turmoil in his own marriage. When someone starts to to see BJJ as something sensual in his/her mind, we are seeing someone with a serious ****ed-up mind.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I get what you are saying but surely a man has a right to say that he only wants to have male partners? Especially if there are many more of them? I would really respect a man who stood up for his wife and marriage in that way, although many women would hate it of course.
> Its like if I went to a dancing club, I only want to dance with my husband not all the other men.


To me this would come across as sexist. The great thing about bjj is the stronger person doesn't necessarily have an advantage if their technique is garbage. Skill being equal the stronger person will almost always win. However technique and mat time is your biggest weapon in bjj. 

Also if you took dance classes and only wanted to dance with someone of the same sex, I would find that a little bit sexist at well. Comparing going out to a club for a night of dancing vs going to a formal dance class a couple of nights a week is apples to oranges. 

I don't like someones insecurities to dictate their partner's actions. As far as it being suspect he doesn't want his wife to see him bjj sparing, well just playing devils advocate here but his own story could be along the lines of "I didn't want her to come because she is extremely insecure and the jealous type. She already starts fights with me over the dumbest things when it comes to anything opposite sex." Ive read about spouses starting fights after a movie because "you seemed to be enjoying looking at him/her too much" I'm not saying that is definitely what is happening here, however after I read the very first post it felt like she was projecting her insecurities. That was my initial feeling anyway. Actually looking back it was her 3rd post, post #7. She let it go for a long time, but she saw a picture of the people at the dojo. She must have seen some pretty girls because then she goes and looks up holds and feels sick about him sparring with these women. Maybe if it was a group of ugly women, she wouldn't have cared. This is all on the OP for feeling insecure and threatened by some of the women there. Also makes me think I might be on to something with my devils advocate theory.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

concernedhub said:


> Well I came to this website for help and then made the mistake of trying to give an opinion.
> 
> I don’t have a desire to have to defend myself for an opinion and just find what you posted as nothing more than a personal hit job.
> 
> No need reply as have no need to return to this forum.


You'll need a thicker skin to survive in BJJ.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

breeze said:


> I see what you are saying but putting aside all red flags in his behaviour and just talking about someone interacting with the opposite sex in a sport, I don't feel good about this. If interacting with other people is not the intention, why go at all? If the only person you were interested in dancing with was your spouse, wouldn't you just get private lessons or just go dancing with him? The purpose of a club is to interact with other people. Limiting that interaction to just men or just women feels very sexist.
> 
> On the other side of it, we are not talking to him right now, we are talking to the wife, and he obviously does not want to do this, therefore her trying to make it happen would be an effort to control him.
> 
> ...


Why cant a couple go to a dancing class/group to learn and dance with their partner? Many go as a sort of date night out together and want to be with each other not spend all evening dancing with other people. Why should they have to pay for private lessons? 
It depends also on the sport. In many sports like tennis and badminton for example there is no physical contact. What is being mentioned here has lots of intimate contact. Also in most sports men and women tend to be separate because of the difference in physical strength. 

I also think that if our spouse is unhappy about something we are doing then we need to listen and take note. Its already been mentioned here that there are far far more men who do this so why does he choose to practise with 2 women? I am sure he would have no issues with finding men to practise with. If my husband was unhappy about something like this I would stop doing it. He means far more to me than a hobby or sport.

It wouldn't worry me if I was seen as sexist, my marriage matters more than what others think of me. For me it wouldn't be due to insecurity, but on what I see as innappropriate behaviour with the opposite sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you missed the part where As'la is in the military? His body belongs to the United States of America and he will do what he is told. Period.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> breeze said:
> 
> 
> > I see what you are saying but putting aside all red flags in his behaviour and just talking about someone interacting with the opposite sex in a sport, I don't feel good about this. If interacting with other people is not the intention, why go at all? If the only person you were interested in dancing with was your spouse, wouldn't you just get private lessons or just go dancing with him? The purpose of a club is to interact with other people. Limiting that interaction to just men or just women feels very sexist.
> ...


Diana you don't always get to choose your sparring partners. A majority of the time they are chosen for you for one reason or another. In my experiences with martial arts, they will typically match you with someone you are better than, have you switch to someone who is better than you, Then have you switch to someone more your equal. This is how you promote growth and experience in your class room. 

Physical strength plays a part if all things are equal as far as technique between sparring partners, but any 150lbs person with 2 years mat experience will mop the floor with a 200lbs noob who is a physically stronger person with no experience. So they don't really look at strength all the time when pairing partners. Gender has very little to do with bjj. 

Lets go back to dancing. If I'm great otherwise but my footwork is a little sloppy with a particular dance and they want to pair me with someone who has superior footwork for practice, I'm going to do it and I don't care if they are man or woman or attractive or not. I'm there to get better and recognize I can learn from this parter. Likewise if I'm superior in another particular dance, I will likely get paired up with someone who needs work on it. This is just how you get better at things.

Bjj is the same. People are learning from one another and they are paired accordingly for the benefit of everyone involved. Its not sexual at all, you are trying to not get your butt whipped.

As far as why can't they do it together? Well if I'm not interested in dance but it happens to be my wife's passion, I'm not going to join with her. She can go do her thing and I can go do my own thing. It would be stupid of me to sit around and get jealous of her dancing with another man while she is practicing dance at the studio. She would get partnered with men, I wouldn't sit around telling her she can only dance with other women. That is silly and insecure.


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