# Proving A Negative



## TryHard (Apr 10, 2011)

I've been a long time reader of TAM. There is some great stuff here. This is my first post, I'll try to be brief. 

I'm married about 25 years and have two daughters 11, and 13. Yes we waited many years to have kids. They are simply wonderful and we get along very well. They are super bright, straight A students, well adjusted, just fantastic kids. I can't tell you how much I love them.

I love my wife too, but it's not been a cakewalk of a marriage. During an argument a few years ago she accused me of sexually molesting my youngest daughter as an infant when I was changing her diaper! This NEVER happened and I was simply stunned. 

If you have ever changed an infant girl's diaper, which I did many times, you will know that feces often gets firmly impacted from front to back, particularly if it's been there a while. You have to wipe it all out and make sure none is left on her genitals. In this case, my daughter had some diaper rash too, and when I put the diaper rash cream over the rash I said something like, "I bet that feels better." 

My wife insists I was attempting to sexually stimulate my 8 month old daughter. I explained all the above to her and she seemed to be mollified. Not so. Periodically, any argument that has any sexual basis, results in her accusing me of being a pervert and bringing up this episode again. 

But lately she has gone further with her accusations. She claims I get out of our bed in the middle of the night, go upstairs, molest my daughters then come back to bed. Once, my youngest daughter left the light on in her bathroom after going to bed. Before my wife and I went to bed, I went up and turned it off. My wife saw me coming out of my daughter's, now dark room, and thinks I must have been in there molesting her.

For the longest time I simply thought that deep down inside, my wife really knew that I was completely innocent. She often tells me what a great father I am. Although that's usually juxtaposed with how bad a husband she thinks I'm being at the moment. What really made me think she couldn't possibly believe all this was the fact that she often voluntarily leaves the girls in my care for long hours at a time. Sometimes days, if she is traveling out of town for a conference or seminar. 

What mother would knowingly leave her kids with someone she believes is molesting them if she had any choice? All my wife's trips are strictly optional as she is a SAHM. How could she do this? It makes no sense. So I just couldn't believe she really thought there was anything going on. 

However, my wife was molested by her brother from about the time she was in second grade until fifth or sixth grade or so. Her parents had also divorced at about that time and her mother did very little to protect her from the abuse. She went to therapy for years and seems to have gotten over it or at least made a good adjustment and has said that she does think she is past it all. But, I think she sees lots of things through the prism of sexual abuse and that is probably where all this is coming from.

That was longer than I intended but here are my concerns. What do I do about this? What must it be doing to me to be married to a women who thinks I molest my daughters? And conversely, what must it be like to live with a man you think is molesting your daughter? What if she decides to go to the authorities? I really don't know where to go with all this. Writing it all down has really made me think my wife is a little crazy. That's enough for a first post I think.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

TryHard, do you truly understand, are you fully aware of the danger you are in?

Bob


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I got nothing.

We have this Bangladeshi (Islamic) friend. He is relatively super cool. He smokes, he drinks, he parties, his wife is Catholic and so on. He actually wants his wife to dress somewhat revealingly.

He has 2 kids. When his first kid - a boy - was born, he was totally in, helping, changing diapers, playing with the kid, hugging, putting him to sleep, etc.

The second kid is a girl. Now this guy, a father, will not even pick her up from the crib to calm her crying. Even when his wife's busy. He just won't touch the baby girl.

When I saw this friend around his baby daughter, I thought it was a bit crazy. I think your wife is a bit crazy too. :scratchhead:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is so very very very unfortunate. Just another example of how strongly an abusive past has on one's mind, even after therapy. This has to be extremely difficult to deal with, walking on eggshells when you interact with your own daughters. Thankfully your daughters are older now and can speak & vouch for you if need ever be. 

I am wondering if they are aware that their Mother THINKS these things -have they ever caught her saying such things to you? 

Other than this, is she paranoid & accusing in other areas of marraige/life that is not grounded in reality?

Hopefully you will never need such information but best to be prepared : Falsely accused of child molestation? Here’s what you need to do.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

You and your wife should be in therapy. Your wife needs therapy desperately. She will need to address her childhood abuse trauma and you will need to understand what that involves so you can support her through her recovery from the abuse. Be very careful in the meantime.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Without question, you need the input of a professional. Go yourself and discuss the issue - rather than trying to sell it to your wife out of the gate.

Once you have a therapist and have discussed the issue, bringing your wife onboard should be much more straightforward.

My sense tells me that you should not entertain such accusations. I think even trying to gently rationalize them to your spouse could in and of itself appear 'predatory' to her. It's dangerous ground, for the both of you.

I don't think denial or avoidance of addressing the issue is appropriate either.

Seriously ... find a therapist that specializes in sexual trauma.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

QFT



Deejo said:


> Without question, you need the input of a professional. Go yourself and discuss the issue - rather than trying to sell it to your wife out of the gate.
> 
> Once you have a therapist and have discussed the issue, bringing your wife onboard should be much more straightforward.
> 
> ...


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

See a lawyer who specializes in this type of case first. There are far too many pitfalls here ... This is a nuclear issue that most counselors will be in an ethical bind (mandatory reporters) of bringing in the very people you don't want to deal with ... While you might know better than to let those folks in the door, I wouldn't be inclined to take that risk that she wouldn't... especially if she has made the allegations about events post when your child was 8 ... 

No matter what you do, proceed with caution.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Sadly, I can relate to your wife and I know everyone will think that makes me crazy but it's the way it is. I hope I can explain to you how her thinking gets to where it is and I can also explain that her expressing it directly to you, although seemingly crazy, is her way of dealing with the intense fear she has as well as an expression that she doesn't actually think you are abusing your daughters and wants very much to trust you but feels it would be devastating for her to do so.

It's not easy to marry a woman who has incest abuse in her past. Incest sexual abuse is a multi-faceted trauma to a child because not only are they violated, they are violated by someone who was supposed to care for them. It ruins all sense of safety and creates a very fragile sense of self and the reality around you.

Here is what I'm thinking your wife is feeling and thinking towards you. There's this underlining thinking like...I love this man and he is great but I loved so-and-so and he was great too...then look how he destroyed me. I better always be on the look out because I couldn't live with myself if something happened to my daughters and I don't want to be like my own mother (who allowed me to be hurt and did nothing about it).

Now, on the other hand, your wife is fully aware her thoughts are crazy/unlikely/unfair and based off of her experience but might become consumed by the fear of this invisible threat from time to time. She doesn't want to be ruled by fear and I'm sure when she vocalizes it, it's when she feels most overwhelmed by it. The fact that she is free to vocalize it around you is a gift from you to her. If you tell her she is crazy she very well might retreat and keep these feelings inside, feel ashamed (again).

The BEST thing you can do is calmly and clearly reiterate what actually happened and tell her you understand why she is having the thoughts she's having but they're based off of fear and not reality. Then confirm to her that you love and would never hurt your children. Confirm that she is safe as well and what happened to her is in the past and will not happen again.

I know it's easy for everyone to tell you to go into self protect mode but I'm speaking as someone who lives this and is on your wife's side of things. It is a very difficult place to be and I know it's difficult for my husband as well. Why do you think I admire the man so much?

Every time I have one of these feelings he has given me permission to vocalize it to him, even though at first his reaction was like yours, and he then runs down what I just suggested you do. It allows me to feel safe, take a step back and look at reality and get rid of the crazy making thoughts.


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

You are in a potentially life-altering situation and I suggest you run, don't walk out of there. Journal everything and seek counsel and custody immediately. This whole scenario is just sad and sick and has 'disaster' written all over it. Don't wait for it to blow up in your face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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