# Looking for insight...



## kmromero (Sep 11, 2007)

I have been with my husband for years.. we got married in June and he has never liked my friends- he insistently calls them *****s and tells me that they are bad people- and blah blah. 
Recently I got a message from a friend from home saying that she was having relationship issue aparently she was dating a married man- totally immoral I think. 

But he thinks thats going to make me do stuff like that- however i am so in love with my husband. 
He thinks that its disrespectful of me to talk to friends that are like that. I dont know how much longer I can deal with all of this fighting.. 

Help?


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

kmromero said:


> I have been with my husband for years.. we got married in June and he has never liked my friends- he insistently calls them *****s and tells me that they are bad people- and blah blah.
> Recently I got a message from a friend from home saying that she was having relationship issue aparently she was dating a married man- totally immoral I think.
> 
> But he thinks thats going to make me do stuff like that- however i am so in love with my husband.
> ...


I am not sure that you will find this helpful because I have a different sort of marriage....but,

Everyone has a right to their friends and when a husband makes the assumptions that yours does, he insults his wife on the deepest level.

In your shoes I would make it known that I am not willing to continue being insulted this way. I would also make it clear that my words would be the last to be spoken on the subject.


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## Wife4Life (Sep 18, 2007)

SageMother said:


> I am not sure that you will find this helpful because I have a different sort of marriage....but,
> 
> Everyone has a right to their friends and when a husband makes the assumptions that yours does, he insults his wife on the deepest level.
> 
> In your shoes I would make it known that I am not willing to continue being insulted this way. I would also make it clear that my words would be the last to be spoken on the subject.



I agree 100% wether you are married, dating, or engaged whatever the relationship a significant other cannot chose their partners friends. My husband and I have only been married for a few weeks. He has a friend that steps outside of his marriage. I must say I don't know about his friends wife..if she knows, if she does etc. etc. however I may not like what he does but I still treat him with respect. Honestly, it's really none of my business. Just as what your friend does in her own time is really none of your husbands business either. It is not right of him to to judge your friends no matter how good or bad of a friend they may be. They are your friends and unlike most things in life you have chosen them!

I'm just giving you MHO here but I think you husband has some serious insecurities. He does not have to like your friends but he must respect them!

On a side note, it sounds like your friend is headed down a bumpy road and if she ever needed a good friend now would be the time.


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

My marriage is a little bit different in term of friends. When I met my husband (of course prior to marring him, lol), we talked about what kind of relationship we were looking for. We both were on the same page on so many things, our christianity being a major thing. At the time, we were both on a path of changing our lives around, removing people from our lives that were not suited for us and/or were not "healthy" for us, re-evaluating our financial situations to make a change for the better, etc. We actually talked about friends...and it was our position that we didn't want to associate with people that cheated, were promiscious(sp?), etc. And so when we married, we'd already weeded out those type of people. If it ever came to a friend of his or mine that was not "healthy" for us to be around, we wouldn't be around them.

I say all of that to say that in my relationship/marriage, friendship issues is agreed upon, and in any relationship people need to be in agreement through considerable commuincation to acquire peace in the relationship.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

My wife and i did simular, we also got rid of Alcoholics and people that used illegal drugs because we didn't want to expose our family to those influences.

draconis


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

*Re: Not sexually attracted to wife*



heartsbreaking said:


> You're sounding more positive which is wonderful.
> 
> Although you don't need to agree with what I wrote "It's all about me, me, me" .....everything you want with him is completely valid and you deserve to have your needs met too but if things need to really change between both of you, it may as well be you that puts your best foot forward first. If he'd come to this board and written from his perspective, I'd be saying the same thing. What I meant by this comment was more about how you acted this morning. You gave him an opportunity to open up. You made him his favorite breakfast AND said it was a peace offering. That is huge. IMO it takes a strong person full of love to be able to overcome your own hurt/position to basically say "I'm thinking of you/us, I'm calling a truce."
> 
> It's not going to be an easy journey but it sounds like you're both starting out with good intention. Best wishes to you.


Thank you :smthumbup:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's trying to keep you away from your friends to better control you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife has a close friend who's methodically cheated and cheated and cheated and cheated, often cheating on the men she's cheating with. She's not married now so I guess you can't call it cheating however when she's juggling a bunch of losers she WAS cheating with when she was married it's hard to see it differently. At any rate, the gal HATES men. HATES em all. Dyed in the wool man hating dragon. I find that when my wife spends any time with her she gives license to her own man-hating tendencies and they become worse. Much worse. So I can see where your husb is coming from, in theory.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm with your husband on this one. What is the saying we become who our friends are or we are defined by who they are. Whether you like it or not your friends do influence you. I personally refuse to hang out with people that have no morals or ethics. I'll walk away (and have) from friends who cheat, do drugs, drink excessively, whatever I find isn't appropriate behavior for me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband has an old friend who is a cad. My husband is not a cad. He constantly tells his friend to grow up. lol.

I have a couple of friends who are.....free spirits, if you will. Not married, have tons of lovers...and I've never felt compelled to live their life.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He's trying to keep you away from your friends to better *control* you.


There is that control word again. Yes, men are controlling. I am beginning to see that way it is used on this forum is that this is actually a marriage positive thing. In general no, but the way it is used here, yes. He wants her to have marriage friendly friends. Not toxic friends. Good for him. I think a spouse should be concerend when the other spouse has friends that they agree have bad character. It probably is something they should sit down, discuss and define boundaries around.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And I don't think so.

People can pick their own friends. MOST friends come before the relationship.

My friends have been through a lot. Some have cheated and some have done other things I didn't agree with. NO ONE is perfect. Granted there are people who are toxic and you cannot help-- those people should be let go...but...I think adults should be able to chose their own friends.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MrsLV said:


> My marriage is a little bit different in term of friends. When I met my husband (of course prior to marring him, lol), we talked about what kind of relationship we were looking for. We both were on the same page on so many things, our christianity being a major thing. At the time, we were both on a path of changing our lives around, removing people from our lives that were not suited for us and/or were not "healthy" for us, re-evaluating our financial situations to make a change for the better, etc. We actually talked about friends...and it was our position that we didn't want to associate with people that cheated, were promiscious(sp?), etc. And so when we married, we'd already weeded out those type of people. If it ever came to a friend of his or mine that was not "healthy" for us to be around, we wouldn't be around them.
> 
> *I say all of that to say that in my relationship/marriage, friendship issues is agreed upon, and in any relationship people need to be in agreement through considerable commuincation to acquire peace in the relationship.*


This is exactly what I am saying.

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

You have to step back and re-evaluate if the friends you had when you were single are worth associated with now that you have taken the next step. Associating with cheaters and such is really a bad idea. It will eventually casue you grief one way or another. You end up being expected to cover for them. These type of folks can end up bringing down the people around them with their drama and lack of integrity. And yes, guilt by association. Not people you should be counting on to do the right things.

Some friends. Quality friends you have for life. Others you out grow.

But ultimately the mutual agreement is key.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> And I don't think so.
> 
> People can pick their own friends. MOST friends come before the relationship.
> 
> My friends have been through a lot. Some have cheated and some have done other things I didn't agree with. NO ONE is perfect. *Granted there are people who are toxic and you cannot help-- those people should be let go*...but...I think adults should be able to chose their own friends.


So we agree then.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree with that. It's not good to associate with people of bad character.

Sometimes good people do bad things or go through bad times. I guess you just have to know the person to see if it's a "phase" or a character flaw.

I have a very few close friends who are of good character but sometimes do shocking things lollll That's life I guess.

I guess it just comes down to communication between a husband and wife. Different people will be comfortable with different things 

If my friend was cheating with a married man, I'd kick her ass and have to practice some tough love on her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My husband has an old friend who is a cad. My husband is not a cad. He constantly tells his friend to grow up. lol.
> 
> *I have a couple of friends who are.....free spirits, if you will. Not married, have tons of lovers...and I've never felt compelled to live their life.*


They are not cheaters though. Right?

Is a cad a married man? Sorry not a word I have heard this millenium. 

The people we associate with tell us a lot about our values. Also there are friends and there are close friends. 

In my case I had some pretty wild friends. Many of them were really not compatible with my new life style. Married. I did not dump them per se. I grew apart from them. I did not hang out with them. I stopped acting single which cut out most of the interaction.

It also comes down to what are you spending your time doing with those friends. If it is hanging out at bars late at night on a weekly basis while they pick up guys then that raises an eye brow and matters if they are cheaters.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I'm with your husband on this one. What is the saying we become who our friends are or we are defined by who they are. Whether you like it or not your friends do influence you. I personally refuse to hang out with people that have no morals or ethics. I'll walk away (and have) from friends who cheat, do drugs, drink excessively, whatever I find isn't appropriate behavior for me.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is part of gaining maturity. Our values and priorities evolve.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Either way, no one should tell someone who to be friends with. I had a long-term boyfriend who shunned allllll of my friends for similar reasons-- but looking back, they weren't that bad. He was just insecure.

I have had friends go through things and I've supported them...30 years of friendships and all sorts of ups and downs.

New friends are easier to let go ...but old, close friends aren't going to lead perfect, pristine lives. LOL Mine sure hasn't been. Thankfully I had friends that didn't leave me for it and actually kicked my arse.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> *Either way, no one should tell someone who to be friends with*. I had a long-term boyfriend who shunned allllll of my friends for similar reasons-- but looking back, they weren't that bad. He was just insecure.
> 
> I have had friends go through things and I've supported them...30 years of friendships and all sorts of ups and downs.
> 
> New friends are easier to let go ...but old, close friends aren't going to lead perfect, pristine lives. LOL Mine sure hasn't been. Thankfully I had friends that didn't leave me for it and actually kicked my arse.


I can agree on the tell part. If this is discssed and the couple cannot agree and there is an impasse, then the husband must decide is this is an unacceptable situation or not. One cannot make another do anything. So we agree on that. But a husband can choose to make it a deal breaker of not. He probably will not divorce her over this, but it will be a source of turmoil for sure. The wife has to decide what is right. If she just chooses to stand her ground to assert her independence she may eventually get that back. It is risk versus reward. Some of us like to learn the hard way.

Actually the problem is that she does not proactively cut them out. Having colorful friends is not the issue. We are talking about people who are cheaters and may have character issues.
They do have an influence.

Controlling, insecurety, jealousy, not my dad, you don't own me, I can do what I want, its my body, its not your business, you don't trust me ... all hot buttons used to with spouses who are trying to protect the relationship from decay. I have never heard any of these from my wife. Ever. Sure there are unreasonable spouses. With the information given he does not seem to be one of them. We can't really tell. The partners need to sit down and decide together on their boundaries. This is a boundary issue. 

My wife had no such toxic friends. I ditched mine on my own as I have stated. It was obvious. I don't have close toxic friends. I guess if you cut them lose early enough they are not with you for 30 years.

This may work for you fine and you may be happy with this. Some of us are suggesting that this is a bad idea in general. YMMV.

It is not about control or insecurities. A sposue should be concerned about the company that their life long partner keeps. Again her husband should trust her to ditch the toxic friends. Let see if she does. But he is well within his rights to do so. As she would be with his friends.
Some folks are just not prepared or ready to be married. They want the advantages of being single and the advantages of being married. It takes work. Also couple may decide that there are deal breakers here. Marriage is tough enough without creating problems. Choose your battles wisely. that goes for both sides of this issue.

To be clear while I am trying to make my case, I am not trying to attack you personally. You have every right to do what you feel is right for you and again it must be working for you. You also have every right to suggest this to others. Let them decide what they are going to do or not do.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SageMother said:


> I am not sure that you will find this helpful because I have a different sort of marriage....but,
> 
> Everyone has a right to their friends and when a husband makes the assumptions that yours does, he insults his wife on the deepest level.
> 
> In your shoes I would make it known that I am not willing to continue being insulted this way. *I would also make it clear that my words would be the last to be spoken on the subject.*


LOL. Yes refuse to even discuss with your husband. See how well that turns out. Good for a marriage. I trust you have a great marriage your self and this works for you. BUt to advise a newly married person to just say they will not discuss this again ... wow. I can only deduce that you feel this is a deal breaker in a marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Discussions are good. If my husband REALLY had an issue with someone, I would value his opinion and reflect on it because he's a smart man and I trust him...so I would want to understand where he's coming from.

(I never feel attacked  No worries.)


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> My wife has a close friend who's methodically cheated and cheated and cheated and cheated, often cheating on the men she's cheating with. She's not married now so I guess you can't call it cheating however when she's juggling a bunch of losers she WAS cheating with when she was married it's hard to see it differently. At any rate, the gal HATES men. HATES em all. Dyed in the wool man hating dragon. I find that when my wife spends any time with her she gives license to her own man-hating tendencies and they become worse. Much worse. So I can see where your husb is coming from, in theory.


Makes sense to me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I agree with that. It's not good to associate with people of bad character.
> 
> *Sometimes good people do bad things* or go through bad times. I guess you just have to know the person to see if it's a "phase" or a character flaw.
> 
> ...


I think I am generally a good person. I have done things I am less than proud of. You have to take the person as a whole human being. Some people are net positive and some are a net negative.

So we actually are agreeing here.

I think his flaw is saying all her friends are bad. I guess that is possible but unlikely because if that were the case then she would not be too great either. He loves her so she must have some good friends to.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> *Discussions are good. If my husband REALLY had an issue with someone, I would value his opinion and reflect on it because he's a smart man and I trust him...so I would want to understand where he's coming from.*
> 
> *(I never feel attacked  * No worries.)


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

That is good. I know I can be obtuse at times. You hold your own and that is very good indeed.

*This post sums it up completely for me. This is the advice I would give. Exactly what you are posting on how you would handle this with your husband.*

It cannot be about him telling her what to do. It has to be them discussing and agreeing how it should be handled together. If they are compatible they will work it out respectfully and be closer for it. 

You know 99.999% of the time my wife just talk things through. We listen and end up happy with what we decided to do. I actually can change my views and so can she. We usually end up with ideas together better than what we had alone.

Even on that 0.001% there is not an impasse. It is more of ok if you think you are right I will trust you on this. It goes both ways.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My original thought about control came from my own background.

I had the same friends (for the most part) then that I do now and my ex made them out to be the WORST PEOPLE EVER. Why? So I would cut them out of my life-- and I did....and that sucked.

He was a jerk though and just wanted me to not have contact with people who cared about me.

Thankfully they are still my friends  He is long gone.

THAT was my concern at first.


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