# Hostile Husband or Annoying Wife



## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

My H is in the military and currently extremely far away for the past 7 months. It is a non-combat tour. We are in a dysfunctional relationship and marriage for several years. 

I try to be upbeat mostly in our communications. We don't 'talk' anymore since the few times that we have, we ended up in a heated argument. H is very hostile towards me and gets angry at me for whatever and, of course, the usual,"you don't desire me sexually", which I am constantly being reminded of which isn't exactly an aphrodisiac. 

The background of our relationship issues is a long story. He has been unfaithful a few times that I know of (one lasted several months and he kept in touch with her over the year and there's a lot more to that story) and I am sure others that i do not know of. i have always forgiven and we try to work towards each other, although, it's mostly me trying. He may do a few things at first, but then, he's hostile again and gets very mean. The abuse I endure is verbal and emotional. The silent treatment is one of his favorites.

We have been communicating by text chatting and chat almost every day in small amounts usually. Basically, I update him on our lives (we have one child together) briefly and he updates me on his. He will ask me to take care of a bunch of stuff for him. I will update him on important financial or issues that are important. Amazingly, I once told him I missed him out of the blue, and he said he missed me, too, which was totally not expected since he usually gets mean immediately after I show any form of affection towards him.

The other night, I told him I was lonely and said I remembered when he used to call me and talk all night or all day. I asked him what he was up to and he responded that he had to go to bed. He had told my daughter earlier that he went to an amusement park, so I asked him who he went with. He told me the names of two guys, and said 'worried about something?'. I told him that's not how I was thinking. He said 'What was the point of saying'....what I said about talking all night/day and was hostile towards me about it. Then he threw the 'you don't want me sexually' issue in my face again and insulted me. I responded calmly and told him I was reminiscing. He said my statement was calculated to try to make someone feel guilty. He said I should take a speech or communication class to learn why.

Am I totally in the wrong for saying what I said????


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

sadmilwife said:


> I try to be upbeat mostly in our communications. We don't 'talk' anymore since the few times that we have, we ended up in a heated argument. H is very hostile towards me and gets angry at me for whatever and, of course, the usual,"you don't desire me sexually", which I am constantly being reminded of which isn't exactly an aphrodisiac.


It sounds like he has a lot of anger towards you, or at least he's directing it towards you. Do you know why? Is it because he misses being away from home and away from his wife and child? Is it because he wants to break things off with you but doesn't know how to tell you? Is it because of post-traumatic stress disorder?

Was he hostile towards you before he went on his non-combat tour?

Why does he feel as though you don't desire him sexually? Would you say this is true? How long has this been an issue for him? Is it possible his anger towards you is related to your apparent lack of desire for him?

It doesn't seem as though very much can be done until he returns from his non-combat tour. Once you can get back together and communicate face-to-face, I would recommend that you schedule some couples' counseling. You need to find out the reason for his hostility so you can address it.


Quigster


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sadmilwife said:


> The other night, I told him I was lonely and said I remembered when he used to call me and talk all night or all day. ......


No you are not wrong for saying the above. However, it could come off as sort of passive aggressive... like you are throwing a jab at him. He seems to be in a hyper sensitive place so he probably took that as a criticism, not a statement of the way you feel. 

Often times, men will take most things their wife says as an attack on them. So then they go into defense mode.

What I would suggest is to think about ways to say things that show desire instead of saying things in a way that show that you are sad, lonely, begging, etc. Also be very direct.

One way you could have stated it differently is just to state "I really miss you and love it when we get a chance to talk.. because I love you so much. Could we set up a phone date?" 

That very straight forward. There is no ambiguity.

That said, your husband sounds hyper sensitive, even being direct might set him off. I'm wondering why you want to continue a marriage with a guy who is a serial cheater.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

He has High sex drive and I have a Low one. I didn't always, though. I do not know what happened, but my guess is that I have a hormonal imbalance which I have been working on for years. All the trauma and stress I have endured in our relationship doesn't help either. I am constantly working on not being depressed and allowing past experiences affect me, however, whenever I finally am able to relax, he does something that lacks integrity and I am unable to trust him once again.

I know that people think I should just end the marriage, but that, to me, in my situation is not an option. Plus, believe it or not, I do love him and am willing to work on myself to aid in any of our issues that may be caused by me. My depression has definitely hindered our progress and there was a time when I was binging on alcohol, mostly by myself at night. I was honest about my situation to him, but I guess he doesn't trust me either. We are constantly in a deadlock and each one of us has admitted our bad behaviors, but when I ask him to stop cheating, he tells me to stop not having sex with him in a demanding manner. I don't do it on purpose and I am open to fixing myself. I am loving towards him, but he responds to me in a very cold mean manner and says awful and mean things to me which causes me to retreat. It's not the silent treatment, it's just me hiding from the reality of the situation since it seems like there is no solution, but I really want there to be. We have gone to counseling and I have gone to counseling by myself. In some cases, it hurt us more and in others, it aided but only for a short time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long is he gone on this deployment?

Do you have a job/career, or are you a SAHM?


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

This one is 9 months. I am a SAHM and also homeschool my daughter.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What I'm thinking is that one of the best things you could do right now is to take very good care of yourself. I'm getting the impression that you are just burnt out. So make this time about you getting healthy and happy.

You are a SAHM and home school. This probably means that you are with your daughter 24/7, or close to it. What sort of things are you doing for yourself. What kind of social life do you have?


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

Yes, I am with my daughter 24/7. I don't have family or close friends to help out. We move often. I make friends with other Moms and try to make connections with people with similar interests. I hike, bike, and walk. I used to play the piano (I have a keyboard that is like a piano), but it won't fit in my current home. I like to take my daughter to different places for different experiences. I actually like my daughter and she is enjoyable to be around. I find most women are boring, honestly. It is not easy making strong connections with people when I am basically single, but not really single, so connecting with couples is awkward. I am also an older Mom, but I don't act it, but I do have more life experience and it makes a difference with friendships. My husband has younger females that he sometimes works with and I think he gets a distorted vision of how he thinks a woman should be because these women are either single or married without kids and have careers. He gets a hard-on for tough women, but behind truly tough Mom's, there's a supportive husband. He gets annoyed because I am not as adventurous as he would like me to be, but in order for me to have an adventurous lifestyle, I would have to sacrifice taking care of everything (and I do mean everything other than his job) and everybody. I also manage two rental properties that we own. I would also put myself at risk for injury and would have no assistance if needed especially when he is gone and even when he is home, he works a lot. It's complicated. I am ok with being alone, so that's not an issue. I just miss his friendship and affection and he is so hostile, he is unable to give me any comfort. He is friendly most days, though. It's not like we fight constantly. It's only when I am not perky, upbeat, happy, or doing something fun. I can actually feel his mood through chatting, that is how strongly he can affect me. I actually get physically ill often due to how he makes me feel. He sometimes realizes and apologizes and is fine for a while and then 'BAM!', without warning, he's back to being nasty and saying the same mean things he always says and sometimes a lot more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Would you say that your husband feels smothered by your need for emotional support?

(I'm not suggesting that he has a good reason for his behavior towards you.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He wants you to be more adventurous. What does that mean? Does you want you to do things on your own.. like go running, hiking, sky diving, etc? Or does he want you to do more adventurous things with him?


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

I honestly very rarely ask for it, but sometimes, I can't help myself. I guess I should just realize that he isn't ever going to give me what I want. I don't get angry or hostile towards him. I just basically retreat without being mean. I am quiet and he thinks I am content that way, but really, I am just trying to keep my sanity.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sadmilwife said:


> I honestly very rarely ask for it, but sometimes, I can't help myself. I guess I should just realize that he isn't ever going to give me what I want. I don't get angry or hostile towards him. I just basically retreat without being mean. I am quiet and he thinks I am content that way, but really, I am just trying to keep my sanity.


If you retreat, then he does not know what is really going on with you. So then, perhaps, your behavior does not make sense to him.

Why does your husband stay married to you if he is so unhappy in your marriage?


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

As far as the adventurous thing, well, he would like for me to do things with him and alone. I would rather do things with him, but he tends to take things to the extreme and get upset that I am not right there alongside him taking all the risks he does. He gets hurt and I am there to take care of him. I get hurt, I have to take care of myself. I was in my 30's when I got married. I spent most of my adult life living a single life and doing things by myself, but it's not the same when you are married and don't have formed friendships with people that share your interests. The hobbies I like are mostly male dominated and that makes it uncomfortable for me. If I was single, it wouldn't matter. Plus, I got married so I would have a partner to do things with. We do things together, but he has high expectations. I am way more adventurous than most Mom's I know, so it's not like I am lame. I plan all of our vacations so we can visit new exciting places and have outdoor adventures. I try to connect with his friends spouses so that we may do stuff together, but more often than not the spouse is noncommittal.

I know I sound pessimistic, but I think that if he wasn't so demanding and while he is with me, didn't pressure me, I wouldn't experience all the anxiety and I would be more fun to be around. He gets angry (yes, angry) if I don't exercise every day. The stress it puts on me causes me to get stuck.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

He has said many times he doesn't want to be married to me, but then says he is stuck until my daughter is 18 because he doesn't want to not be there for her as a full time Dad. He won't do anything to bring us together because, in his mind, it has to lead to sex to be worth it. He can be very cold about it. What I really want is for him to speak to someone (counselor, pastor, anyone that isn't a young female coworker) and be enlightened since he is so hung up on the fact that he thinks he is just fine the way he is and he has every right to act the way he does. There is a huge lack of empathy there.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

I have talked to him a lot about everything, so it's not like I just keep quiet about everything all the time. I just don't want to sound like a broken record and usually, he stops listening or reading after he hits something that he interprets as me being negative or selfish or whatever and he blows up and makes up his mind that he believes what he believes and that's it. Its a horrible cycle we go through. I have seriously discussed this in a very calm manner and try not to drag it out. I asked him to seek help and he just snaps back at me 'Are you?'. Then I retreat feeling defeated and empty and alone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sadmilwife said:


> As far as the adventurous thing, well, he would like for me to do things with him and alone. I would rather do things with him, but he tends to take things to the extreme and get upset that I am not right there alongside him taking all the risks he does. He gets hurt and I am there to take care of him. I get hurt, I have to take care of myself. I was in my 30's when I got married. I spent most of my adult life living a single life and doing things by myself, but it's not the same when you are married and don't have formed friendships with people that share your interests. The hobbies I like are mostly male dominated and that makes it uncomfortable for me. If I was single, it wouldn't matter. Plus, I got married so I would have a partner to do things with. We do things together, but he has high expectations. I am way more adventurous than most Mom's I know, so it's not like I am lame. I plan all of our vacations so we can visit new exciting places and have outdoor adventures. I try to connect with his friends spouses so that we may do stuff together, but more often than not the spouse is noncommittal.
> 
> I know I sound pessimistic, but I think that if he wasn't so demanding and while he is with me, didn't pressure me, I wouldn't experience all the anxiety and I would be more fun to be around. He gets angry (yes, angry) if I don't exercise every day. The stress it puts on me causes me to get stuck.


Before I go on.. I'm very familiar with life in the military. When I was younger, my father was in the military and my mother, with all of their 8 kids in tow followed him around the world. We moved constantly. My father was gone for long periods of time, leaving my mother alone with us kinds. After he got out of the military he was working with the state department and we did the same kind of moving around.

Then later I joined the Army and was in for several years. So I have an idea of the environment. Being a military wife is not for everyone. It's hard to have your spouse gone for long periods of time. So a military spouse has to be pretty independent.

You are giving him all the power in this relationship. 

He wants this, the wants that... he causes you stress and you get stuck.

Humans have the ability to evaluate our reaction to things and to then define our own actions. 

For example, he does not get you upset. You allow yourself to feel upset based on some of the things he does... things like speaks mean to you, gets up set because you are not adventurous enough, yells if you do not work out daily.

You put up with his behavior. That is a choice you have made. Then you choose to hold stress and get stuck. Yes you choose this.

Let me explain.

I was married to a guy who was very similar to your husband in that I could never do anything right. If I did one thing, I should have done the other... and visa versa. And he was mean.. his words were mean, constant picking, yelling.. just mean.

For some time I let it affect me very much as you are. Then one day a light went off in my head. When he acts like that, it's not me. It's him. He's upset with himself. He's had a bad day and I'm the closest one.. hence the easiest person to take it all out on.

On that day, when he walked in the door after work and started his mean nonsense, I just looked at him and said "Oh my your must be having a bad day. I'm so sorry." And then I just walked away. 

Did he get up set.. yep. But he got to own that being upset. It's on him not me. Once I realized this I no longer let his actions control my feeling, thoughts, etc.

I got to the point where I would only talk to him when he was speaking in a civil manner. I told him that it was his responsibility to calm himself down. So I'd walk away... go to another room (wit our son), sometimes just take our son and go for a walk, or go visit a friend, to give him time to cool down. Then and only then would I talk to him.

He got to the point that when he was in a 'kick the dog mood' he'd just say that he was going for a bike ride. When he came back 30 to 60 minutes later he was in a much better place mentally.

I think that sort of approach would help you. You take control of your own reaction to things dealing with his bad behavior.

Also, your comments about how you don't need or really want friends, that's sort of passive aggressive. By not building your own circle of friends, you are creating an environment where you are very needy and then you expect your husband to fill in the void.

It's kind of a catch 22 that you have set up. Generally people have a support group of friends who fill various levels of needs. Their spouse also fills some of their needs too.. some very important ones of non-sexual and sexual intimacy. But no one human can fill all the needs of another person.

You say that the hobbies that you like are ones that women do not like. You are a woman. If you like it, so do other women. I have no doubt that you could find others who would like to do the things you like to do.

Your husband is in a career field that takes him away for long periods of time. You need to develop a lifestyle that meets your emotional needs more fully when he's gone... if you are going to stay married to him.

There are things that you can do, for example take a look at the website Find your people - Meetup Where I live there are hundreds of meetups doing all kinds of very interesting things. Surely you can find things that interest you.

There is a book that I think will help you, "Divorce Busting". Pay special attention to the chapter on introducing change into an environment. I think it will give you a different way of looking at things.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sadmilwife said:


> He has said many times he doesn't want to be married to me, but then says he is stuck until my daughter is 18 because he doesn't want to not be there for her as a full time Dad. He won't do anything to bring us together because, in his mind, it has to lead to sex to be worth it. He can be very cold about it. What I really want is for him to speak to someone (counselor, pastor, anyone that isn't a young female coworker) and be enlightened since he is so hung up on the fact that he thinks he is just fine the way he is and he has every right to act the way he does. There is a huge lack of empathy there.


You have given up all power in your relationship to him by being passive aggressive. 

Right now he's playing the "catch me if you can" game, while you play the part of the wife how is chasing her husband, except when he wants to move towards you, you don't want sex.. (that's the passive aggressive 'got you' move). 

I don't blame you for not wanting sex with a guy who threats you this way. But, it's the game that's the problem. 

Right now he's told you flat out that he does not want to be with you. He's said that he is only there to be with his daughter. The right response to that is not what you are doing. The right response is to file for divorce. Why? Because right now he has no respect for your. Why should he? You are staying even though he's mistreating you. If you filed, he'd suddenly realize that he's not in control and that he's going to lose you. My bet is that his behavior will change pretty darn quick. It usually does.

If you changed your behavior he would have to change his.

You cannot change him. All you can do is change yourself. Then he will decide how he will change in response. Hopefully it will be change that will save your marriage. But you have no control over that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sadmilwife said:


> I have talked to him a lot about everything, so it's not like I just keep quiet about everything all the time. I just don't want to sound like a broken record and usually, he stops listening or reading after he hits something that he interprets as me being negative or selfish or whatever and he blows up and makes up his mind that he believes what he believes and that's it. Its a horrible cycle we go through. I have seriously discussed this in a very calm manner and try not to drag it out. I asked him to seek help and he just snaps back at me 'Are you?'. Then I retreat feeling defeated and empty and alone.


Like I said.. he has all the power. 

He's in control. He's abusive and hateful. He's told you that he's only there for your daughter, yet you keep trying to have a relationship with him. He thinks that he does not want a relationship with you. He's just waiting for his daughter to grow up.

Well stop chasing him. Stop talking to him. Start living your life. Start taking care of yourself. I also think that you need to get a job. My bet is that he resents supporting you. And you being financially dependent on him gives him even more power.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

Thank you, EleGirl. It's comforting to me that you have some understanding of my situation as far as being a military spouse and dealing with a certain personality in my husband. I agree with you about me not allowing his actions to affect me negatively. I guess I am just so weak most of the time now. I feel so beaten down and I do allow his reactions and bullying to affect me horribly. I had always been a strong and independent woman. It's not like I don't try to make friends. I finally make friends and then we move. My friends have their kids, so usually whatever we do it's with the kids. I don't trust anyone other than close family or very close friends to watch my child. I belong to Meetups and the groups I join are mostly men and I have to take my child with me and it doesn't always work out. I belong to a hiking group that includes kids and I've gone on a few hikes. It's not like I don't go out and make connections, but forming strong bonds with people isn't something that I take lightly. I am the type of person who prefers a few very close friends as opposed to many not so close friends. I am not a 'small talk' kind of person, although I will engage if that is what the situation presents. I don't shy away from opportunities. I honestly don't know any female that rides mountain bikes. I know they are out there, but not in any of the places I have lived lately. My daughter goes with me because we started her early. I like to talk about books or movies or fun stuff and not always about my kid or their kids, but it is usually the topic or someone is having some sort of sales party for stuff that I am not interested in (scented candles, oils, designer bags, kitchen tools, etc). That's is just not my cup of tea. I am not a girly girl, but I am not a butch. I don't mind getting dirty, but I also like to dress up and drink wine/beer and go out to lunch/dinner. I like to play billiards (I used to play in tournaments) and hardly any girls do that, plus usually the only places to do that are bars. I try to keep myself active most days. I love to ski, but I haven't lived near a place to ski in a very long time. We take a ski trip or two every year, even if my husband doesn't come. So I am not a negative lump. I just want to interact on a more intimate level with my husband and he just bullies me and steps all over me. You know what's crazy, even if I jump his bones, his reaction is so horrible and mean. He says he wants it, but then he just looks at me like 'What???'. The more I write, the more I just think it's time for plan B. I haven't worked in 9 years and planned to raise my daughter, so even if I leave this dysfunctional marriage, I will take on a whole other set of huge sacrifices that will beat me down. It's a catch-22.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I see a lot of excuses for why you can't do anything about your situation, but no willingness to actually do anything. You know what you have to do, you just don't want to. It's easier to live in misery than to make the changes necessary to improve your life. Every option will be difficult if it has a chance of working. You can be the frog who sits in the slowly heating water until you boil alive or you can jump out now and take some responsibility for your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

Firstly, I'm sorry you're in this situation.

He says he doesn't want to be with you and will end things when your child is older. Either he is bluffing and using this as a means to control you or he is telling the truth. As I see it, perhaps your best option is to get on with your OWN life, start building one that doesn't depend on him: your own interests, your own circle of friends (including parents of other homeschoolers so that your daughter is involved too); your own special time with your daughter, etc.

This could have a couple of effects. Firstly, once he sees you don't 'need' him and he's losing his power and control, he may realise he's at risk of losing you and adjust his behaviour and stop taking your presence for granted. Alternatively, you may discover that he is serious about leaving when your child is older; however, you will be prepared by having YOUR life and independence in place.

I've been in a similar situation though in different circumstances. My STBEx wanted to, and I allowed him to, control my life. He wouldn't give me anything in return, no matter how much I tried to be the person he seemed to want. I was never good enough and his passive-aggressive threats to end the relationship sent me into panic. He refused to do anything with me, sometimes begrudging giving in when I begged and pleaded. Then I got fed up and decided to build my own life and mentally factored him out. If he didn't want to do something, I said okay, and went without him. I still gave him the opportunity to join in but accepted it whe. He wouldn't. Soon I was enjoying this life, which made him angry when he realised he had lost his power over me, but didn't lead to him making any effort to work with me on the relationship. My counsellor said he wouldn't wake up until my bags were packed and on the doorstep. She was right. When I filed for divorce, he suddenly wanted to listen. Sadly, for me, it was too late and I'd been battling too long on my own to save the relationship. I'm happy with my decision and am more than prepared to start life alone.

OUR life is OUR life and we cannot handover control of it to another person. Good luck.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

He will return, we have to pack up our house and move and will be homeless for about a month until we get a new home. Then we will be moving again in 7-8 months to an unknown place for an undetermined amount of time. He has a major change to his job in addition to this. To add separation/divorce on top of all of this would be crazy. We share so many things, including two homes that we rent out. I haven't had a job in 9 years and that doesn't depress me. I had a successful career for a very long time and, now, I am a Mom now and I enjoy that. People seem to think that being around other people all the time and doing 'things' will fill the void of a spouse who has gone astray, but it doesn't. I got married for a reason...not so I can go find myself. The problem with our marriage is that there were stressors early on in our relationship. My excuses are valid. I am an almost 50 year old woman with a young child. I am not afraid of being alone. I am actually not afraid at all. The reason why it seems like I am making excuses is because I am stuck. If I stay, I have to find a way to avoid the abuse and become stronger. If I leave, I have to make huge sacrifices and suffer in a different way and do more work to keep our situation from hugely damaging my daughter's life. Believe it or not, we enjoy our family time together. He is sexually frustrated and because of it he looks at me in a totally different way and starts picking on everything because he is suffering greatly. The problem is that there is no passion. It's gone. When I try to force it, it feel so violating. My husband does not believe in any type of unconditional love either, so when I am not up to par, he can't handle it and suddenly I'm no good. He needs enlightenment. I have threatened to leave and I didn't do it to play games. I was being honest. He changed immediately, but still went back to his angry bullying. There are long periods of time where we seem to be heading towards getting to a really good place, but trust is a huge issue for both of us. I have read all the relationship books out there. I read other people's situations similar to ours and try to learn from them. I realize that a man that doesn't feel desired by his wife goes to a mental place that makes him unreachable and usually angry. I wish men could realize that there is a way to come back from the dead, but it takes more than 'I need sex to feel loved by you' and expecting their wives to be like when they first met. There has to be a rebuilding of the emotional connection and an openness to a new kind of relationship, but for a lot of men, they don't think that way. They want their wife to be their girlfriend forever and that's is how my husband is. I am so frustrated because I need to find a way to get him to talk to the right person/people to be enlightened and to open his mind up and to rid himself of his anger and resentment towards me. He seems content in not changing how he feels towards me.

I am not sitting still. I spend time doing things that are very enjoyable. I am busy taking care of everything for our family including homeschooling my child. I am limited being a single, but married SAHM who has only lived in a place for less than a year and part of that year was just moving and getting settled and getting used to a new environment. I am not complaining, but that's the reality of my situation.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

I honestly do want to know if people think what I said to him the other day deserved the reaction that I received (first post). I am open to looking at my behaviors and how they may be contributing to his frustrations, because if I am truly aggravating him, than I need to work on that part of my communication with him if I am am to expect any changes. Maybe because I am feeling so hurt when he has time off and he doesn't spend any of it just talking with or hanging out with me (though online communication, of course) and I guess it shows. I honestly don't have 'calculated' thoughts. I am not a schemer and I don't play games. I am just not good at hiding my emotions.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't know if what you said was reasonable because so much comes from context and tone. I do think that he is an ahole *BUT* I think I have some idea of what is going on in his head.

For him every rejection was a blow. Time and again it happened I imagine, and even when you did have sex he felt like it was a chore for you. In his mind sex is closely linked with love. When you can't/won't have sex with him, it shows a lack of love for him. Think back to every single time you rejected him or had sex but obviously didn't want to and imagine that was a brick in his wall of resentment. Does it seem like a large wall, because from his behaviour, it sounds like the Great Wall of China.

Then you say things like, "I miss you" or you display interest in him and it hits the wall. Words mean nothing to him now. In fact, they just make him angry because he doesn't believe you.

The only way over that wall is to slowly and surely remove each brick with love shown through sex. You literally would have to demolish your own wall of resentments (which I imagine must also be huge) and with a dedication that is nothing short of marvellous, show him you love him. Never reject him ever again. Persist when you initiate, persist through his distrust and anger.

This is what it will take to get through. If you don't have it in you, nothing will ever change. You can dream that he'll make drastic changes and make you feel desire again, but honestly, even if he did change, you wouldn't until you chose to. He can't make you feel desire. Nothing he does will ever flick that switch for you until you've put in the hard work first.

I know what I'm talking about. I have a husband who after years, and I mean years, of me making a concerted effort as a LD wife with a resentful and angry HD husband, is only now *starting* to shed some of his resentments. It's a very long and difficult road. Make no mistake, he didn't do any research, go to any counselling, make any changes. It all started with me.


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## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

I understand that you're stuck. I felt the same for a long time and I didn't want to give up my 'dream' image of the relationship. I felt convinced that if I just did or said the right thing, it would be the missing piece in the jigsaw that put it all back together. His response to everything was to get angry and blaming and I finally saw there was no hope and became unstuck. The process takes time and cannot be rushed, and everyone is different.

One difference between my situation and yours was that my STBEx said he wanted the relationship (but he didn't back it up with actions) and I think that kept me stuck longer, waiting for and hoping that his actions to match his words. Yours, on the other hand, has told you he doesn't want it and his actions seem to be proving that.

Obviously it's your decision as to whether to keep working at it and for how long, but angry and controlling men are difficult to reason with, let alone get to counselling. I found the book 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' (or something along those lines) very useful when I was paralysed by indecision. What I really liked about it was that it had a positive but realistic approach to working on issues.

Again, I wish you the best.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

Thank you, breeze. All of what you say makes complete sense to me. I wish I had a daily coach to keep me in line and on track so I can avoid the blow ups and misunderstandings and creating more situations that may bring on more resentment and pain for both of us. His job is stressful and I don't want to add to that. I also don't want to sacrifice myself so much though that I am left feeling so empty, which is usually how it ends up. Shedding my resentment is a daily process. The most difficult part about bringing about change in our relationship is that we are a gazillion miles apart with very messed up time zone differences and weird schedules (his), so there are obstacles. I don't want to do any video chatting with him because it is painful to deal with his facial avoidance, his arrogance which is enhanced by his stance and demeanor. It's awful and I get physically ill while trying to act like nothing is wrong. It's crazy! I am going to separate for the next several weeks to avoid anymore pain. I don't see any way around it. I try just having light conversations, but after a while my longing for affection and emotional intimacy from him starts to seep through. You have given me a glimmer of hope, but I have to put in more effort towards changing my behaviors. I am really messed up and faking that I am not is exhausting. I was wrong when I said I wasn't afraid. I am afraid. Afraid that my desire for him is lost forever and believe or not it is heartbreaking for me and I hate hurting him so much.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

Thank you, sadwife2012. I feel comfort from all of you being so understanding. Sometimes I feel so alone and like I am going crazy. I am glad I came on here. It's challenging, though, to sum up your relationship and issues in a forum thread. I am just glad I am able to convey my issues so that they made sense!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Something that seems to be getting a bit lost in this discussion is that your husband is a serial cheater. Serial cheaters, like the garden-variety one-timers, often need to have a "reason" to cheat. If you aren't giving them one, they'll make one up for you. When your spouse needs you to be an annoying b!tch so they can justify their cheating, they'll treat you as if you are. Which, in turn, causes you to become annoying - because you're trying to figure out what's wrong with you that's turning them off and fix it. And the more you scramble, the more pathetic you seem to them. And the more they treat you poorly, causing you to scramble some more. It's an endless mindfvck, and an endless downward spiral. 

When your spouse is cheating, you can't make toast correctly. You can't do anything correctly. Nothing you do will be right. He needs a reason to cheat on you, because he's already cheating on you and has to rationalize it to himself (and maybe to his friends and lady-friends). The thing with serial cheaters, though, is that they're always in some phase of cheating - looking for the next AP, flirting, an EA, sexting, an inappropriate friendship, a full-blown affair, a one night stand. There's always something that needs justification. So there's always some need to push your buttons so you'll behave in ways that rationalize his cheating. Again, with the endless mindfvck and the endless downward spiral.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

Rowan, very true. He does always seem to find a female coworker to latch on to. I call them 'crushes' as they usually do not reciprocate the attention. I am so mixed up in the head. I am a fool, aren't I. Trying to convince myself that this long, several year phase of abuse will somehow turn around and he will see the light. I need to get unstuck. Leaving would be extremely difficult for all the reasons I listed earlier. I am falling back into avoidance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SadMilWife...

I don't have time this morning to catch up here completely since it's the morning of a work day. But I did read a bit of one of your posts. You mentioned that the mountain bike groups are mostly men. Then why not start your own group on www.meetups.com, mountain biking for women.

Find out the shops in your area that sell and support mountain biking and network with them to find women. Now some of those women might want to have their spouses/SO's with them. So it might make sense to allow some men.

Mountain Biking for Women | The latest women's mountain bike news, videos, reviews, and events!

If you don't mind disclosing, what state do you live in?


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

I live in HI. Anything I participate in would have to include my daughter, btw. I haven't been here long enough to build the trust to be able to have a regular sitter. I have also spent a lot of time trying to find the other homeschool families around where I live and for whatever reason, they are a very quiet group. If I mention mountain biking to other women, they usual look at me like I am nuts. They don't road bike, nevermind, ride on dirt on narrow trails! I am not a die hard, btw. I don't do it hardly ever anymore. I am not a beginner, but I am certainly not at the level of my husband who does it more frequently. I also don't feel safe going alone. I have fallen and been injured in the past and so has my husband. He rides alone often, and I don't agree with it. It seems that the women that do ride bikes in this state, ride on the road. Here is an article I found that may shed some light. Female Mountain Biking: It?s a Small World | Mountain Biking for Women


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

BTW, a few things about me. I have slight aspergers, I feel uncomfortable in large crowds/groups, I enjoy adrenaline rushes, but not to the extreme, I feel more comfortable around men than I do women, and I actually enjoy spending time with my daughter.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

sadmilwife said:


> ... and I actually enjoy spending time with my daughter.


Lol, you make it sound like this is has come as a surprise or something. Maybe it's just me but most parents I know enjoy spending time with their children.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

I hear women all the time saying how they 'have to go to work' and couldn't possibly stay home with their infant/child/children, so if it sounds that way, that's why.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

sadmilwife said:


> I hear women all the time saying how they 'have to go to work' and couldn't possibly stay home with their infant/child/children, so if it sounds that way, that's why.


Why would you think they don't have to work since that is what they say? For my part, relying on someone else for income is something I am glad I don't have to do anymore. My DH is a prince among men, so that is not my worry. But it sure is making a difference for you, it seems.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

I came on here for advice. I've poured out a ton of details about myself, had to defend myself, and now I am being accused of saying something that I didn't say.

I will reiterate what I said so that it is clear. I said I actually enjoy spending time with my daughter, period. There are women/parents out there that don't like their children and others that do. Honestly, I was making a guess as to why I may have 'sounded' like it came as a surprise, because Breeze made a comment about what I said. I wasn't trying to make any sort of 'statement'. I was simply saying how I feel about my situation. When confronted, I came up with a possibility of why it may have sounded that way. The tone I had with saying women saying they 'have to go to work' was meant towards the fact that they just couldn't bear to stay home with their kids and was not referring to their financial needs in any way. It is a fact that I hear women say this and not an opinion of mine. 

NobodySpecial, I don't have a husband around to pick up the slack. Please educate yourself on the home life situation for a lot (if not most) military spouses (at least the ones that move around a lot like me). I don't look at my situation as 'relying on my husband'. He has his work outside the home and, yes, he earns a paycheck. My work is at home taking care of our daughter and everything else. I see it as a partnership and we don't have money issues. In fact, i handle all the money and am never questioned about it. Our issues are communication, loyalty, intimacy and emotional support. Sounds like a heavy load, but I am will to tackle it, however, I don't feel that in order for me to do so I need to separate myself from my marriage. That's part of the problem I am having with him, so why would I do the same? I would just be doing what I don't want him to do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sadmilwife said:


> *He has High sex drive and I have a Low one*.





> . *Our issues are communication, loyalty, intimacy and emotional support.*


 Even 1 of these can train wreck a marriage.. you & he are drowning , the high/ low sex drive thing.. neither of you will be happy with each other.. it will breed resentment in you both.. better to just end it.. and move on with someone more compatible with who you are, what you want, desire, your dreams... each area you stated is vital for harmony and growth.. 

You both could work on Communication -when he gets home... if you both care enough, learning conflict resolution , things like this.... but the high /low sex drive... if related to HOW he treats you, this can be improved (but his cheating on you- how does one get past this- really??)...

But if you just don't care for sex.. he will never be a happy man..he will be frustrated, it will continue to cause a divide, and affect every part of your marriage. A man can't just shut off his sex drive. 

What brought you together before you married ?


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

Long response........

We were sexually compatible when we first got together, but we saw each other infrequently due to the fact that we had a long distance relationship and saw each other every few weeks for a weekend. When I moved to be with him, he was in the military reserves. Two weeks after I got there, he was activated and had to leave. He insisted I stay where we originally planned to live and that he would prob be back in a few months. I rented a home, we split the rent and saw each other on the weekends (the drive was about 6 hours). Well, he ended up being gone for over a year. When he came home, he asked me to marry him and we got married six months later. He left again for summer employment for about 3.5 months. This time he was several thousand miles away and I think I only saw him once during that time. During this time, i became ill because the house we were living in had black mold from flooding that happened while I lived there. My immune system took a serious hit and I was diagnosed with adrenal stress syndrome along with hypothyroidism. My hormones were all out of whack. When we finally lived full time together, we bought a house. I made the mistake of living close to where he wanted to go to school, but very far from where I was working. I was working on recovering from my illness and along with the new stress of having a long commute and also really not liking my job took a huge toll on me. I was not up for much when I got home and he was like a little kid bouncing all over me, pulling my clothes off, talking about sex all the time. I began pulling away. I just couldn't handle it. 

The second year we were married was when I discovered that he had a profile on an adult friend finder website. I am pretty sure he wanted me to find out because he left his email open on the computer we shared. It was obvious by his profile that he was looking for sex, not a relationship. When I confronted him, he came clean about it, but it hurt me deeply. I was seriously considering leaving, but we had a strong love for each other and I just decided to stay. Now along with still recovering from my illness, I became a bit depressed and was also diagnosed with perimenopause. My husband was now becoming impatient with my lack of interest in sex, but was trying to work with me to get my health back on track. Me, however, I was struggling a lot and not able to bounce back and meet his expectations. I became resentful towards him for everything. His lack of domestic assistance, his obsession with his hobby along with his insistence that I stick it out at my job hurt me. I talked to him about changing schools (he was going to college now) and maybe moving to another state. I told him where there were job opportunities and he just said 'no'. I pulled away some more. We managed to make it through another year and then we decided together that he was going to go back into the military. Just before we were due to move, I found out I was pregnant. He wasn't happy about it at first since he had some major stressful training coming up, but I reassured him that I would do my best to take care of everything so that he could focus on his training, which I did. While I was pregnant, I had a scare of losing the baby and I knew that I probably wasn't going to get another chance due to my age and hormone issues, so I didn't want to do anything that would put the baby at risk and sex was on that list of things. This caused a huge problem for my husband and we drifted apart. He was angry all the time and always yelling at me for everything. It was awful. Less than a year after our daughter was born, he had an affair that lasted for a couple months. They got together while he was away during an event for one of his hobbies and then they talked on the phone all the time and then he met up with her once after that. I knew something was going on because he would run to the store almost every night for something and he was so distant. I managed to log into his email account after he left one night and found the emails. It made me so ill. I was going to leave with our daughter right then, but the thought of living with my family made me ill, too. I really didn't like them, so I felt lost. He and I talked about everything and he explained how he felt about everything. He wasn't looking to leave, but wanted to be wanted and it felt good since I was so neglectful. I gave in and forgave him, but things went from bad to worse because I was an emotional wreck. The worst part was that this girl that he had the affair with (I say 'girl' because she was very young), ended up moving to where we used to live and joined his group of friends with this hobby they shared. Now she would never go away. This caused more pain for me. My husband was also very stressed out during his training and was pretty much grumpy most of the time and treated me horribly.

We moved to another state for my husband to start with his new unit. The move was very stressful since I had a 1 1/2 year old and packed up everything mostly by myself since he was working a ton. Now that my husband had gotten away with cheating once, he cheated two more times by having some sexual flings. I actually think it was more than once but I have no proof. He was angry and resentful towards me and decided that he had a right to live this other life and I didn't have any right to tell him what he can and cannot do. I was again contemplating leaving, but again, I decided to stay. We would briefly come together in spurts and be very close and if I didn't continue giving him the attention he wanted (he was very needy), he would get angry and pull away and we would separate emotionally again. It was emotional abandonment (on his part) and unless you have gone through it, you wouldn't know how horribly soul crushing it is. It was a cycle. A very dysfunctional, emotionally draining cycle. Meanwhile, he got deployed twice and I was busy raising our daughter mostly by myself. I didn't feel the strength to break out on my own due to my depression. I have just recently felt the fog of my depression lifted and began trying to make plans to leave my marriage and then the military stepped in and moved us very far away and I didn't want to keep our daughter away from him any more than his job already was. Our daughter is very close to him and the deployments alone were difficult enough. 

I am not sure if I will ever recover sexual feelings for him, especially at the level that he desires. I agree with you, SimplyAmorous, that without that connection and compatibility, we will not survive. Due to his job, us separating would makes things very difficult as far as sharing our daughter, so we have both kinda silently decided to work together to raise her together in the same home. The challenge now is, how can we survive this with all the damage that has been done and without the intimacy connection. My husband has always had hopes that I would become the sexual partner he desires and somehow has never fully given up, but he is very, very close to it now. I don't know that I will be able to fully overcome all of the emotional abuse that he put me through. I am so sad because this marriage had such huge potential in the beginning. I never imagined that I would crash and burn. I used to be a strong, independent woman and now I am weak and sad.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

I have reread what I wrote a few times. It sounds as if I am taking a lot of blame and maybe I am and that is one of my problems. My H is a covert manipulator and I have allowed it to affect me deeply. He has always been selfish and makes it seems innocent. He pouts like a baby and acts very childish if he doesn't get his way or he gets angry, whichever emotion he picks. He usually comes around in a few days or so and acts 'nice'. He says he is being good to me, I say 'nice' is how you should treat others, 'loving' is how you should treat your wife -- there is a huge difference. Right now, he is in his 'nice' stage after not talking to each other for several days. It's as if nothing happened and I can't say anything now because I will awaken the sleeping giant and the cycle continues. I guess I am just venting here at this point.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If he is deployed often, and far.... then separating/divorcing would be even easier and less messy I'd think. 

It really sounds as if you are staying just because you can't think of anything better to do. Being alone, or alone with your daughter is easier and more peaceful, less stressful than being married to him, even when he is far away. 

What if you just stop talking to him? Get your head together. Go back to counseling. Let daughter talk to him as much as she wants. 

I just think it would be way LESS stress to be free than it is to be where you are. Job, daughter, schooling, visitation, etc... all of that would be welcome and less stressful than living with this circus.

But ya, in the long run you have two choices; stay and figure out how not to drive yourself crazy or leave and be the strong independent woman that a daughter SHOULD see.

Just my two cents.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

I should probably just reach out to a military marriage site. People who haven't been married to someone in the military in the last 15 years, cannot possibly understand. I don't mean that in an ungrateful way. It's just frustrating trying to explain and justify why I do the things I do. I am very grateful to all for your input.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Since your marital issues don't really stem from him being in the military, I'm not really sure if a military marriage site will give you the answers you are seeking, but it's certainly worth a try.

As for what you do from here, there's nothing anyone can really tell you that you don't already know. It's just a matter of you figuring out what you want. I don't see that you really know what you want in life. You don't seem to have any direction or any personal goals. You've focused solely on your daughter for now, and though that's not necessarily a bad thing, one day she won't need you around as much and what will you have left? A dead marriage and no life at this point (no offence intended, believe me, it's an easy pit to fall into).


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

breeze said:


> Since your marital issues don't really stem from him being in the military, I'm not really sure if a military marriage site will give you the answers you are seeking, but it's certainly worth a try.
> 
> Breeze, the issues did start from him being in the military and they continue hugely as a result of the military life. A lot of times, when military spouses (women included) get separated from their spouses due to duty, they act like they are almost (if not all) single. Communication is always an issue and anything that was left hanging prior to them leaving, just continues to hang or gets worse. Usually, about three months prior to deployment, when they are still home is a trying time also due to all the demands on the soldier to prepare for deployment. The average civilian, honestly, could not possibly understand what everyone, including the children, goes through.
> 
> I had a career since I was 18 years old. I started working at the age of 11, had a job in HS and summer after graduation and was never unemployed since the age of 18 except for a short time (three months which I chose to be unemployed) when I moved across the country by myself to explore a new life (in my late 20's). I have always had a very busy life playing sports, lots of friends, parties, activities all the time, family time, etc. In fact, I took a break from all friends at one point because I was invited to so many things it got to be overwhelming, especially while I was working full time while attending tech school at night (which I did for three years and earned two diplomas). I also went to college for the heck of it in my early marriage years because the state was paying for it. I dedicate my life to my daughter now because I don't feel unfulfilled. I did a ton before her and I really enjoy devoting most of my time to her and my husband and his career. I see nothing wrong with that. I am not worried about being alone. I got married because I wanted to share my life with my husband NOT to have a family, or to raise a child, or to avoid being alone, etc. i also take marriage very seriously and refuse to just give up and walk away with the idea that life will be better somehow. My struggle now is to handle the stresses of my life better, including handling my husband's personality and issues, and to be a better person, wife and mother. I cannot force my husband to change, but I am hoping to influence him somehow. I guess I was ultimately looking on here for some support and not necessarily answers. Does that make sense? The simple answer to marriage issues is to confront them and if you don't get what you think you deserve, get out. I feel differently. I am going to counseling again and have a different outlook on my life now. I am going to seek a life coach to keep me on track. I don't want to fall back into that dark place where I have ended up in the past. I can't blame everything that happens to me on my husband.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I think you did not really get to know each other before you decided to get married. It is not military issue. I think the fact that you are getting separated often and for long periods of time simply sped up the process of discovering all the issues you have. 
You sound very lonely. Get in touch with local military wives, they are usually active group supporting each other. It is great that you love spending time with your daughter, but make sure she has not taken place of your husband. Basically you need to get something more going on in your life than homeschooling. And I do suggest counseling for you, you seem to be lost.


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## sadmilwife (May 28, 2015)

Thanks, WandaJ. I am thinking of getting a Life Coach. I found one nearby and I also found a book written by her that may be helpful. I am emotionally damaged and, yes, lost. I am tired of feeling so overwhelmed all the time. The only person who truly understands my pain and suffering is me and the only person who is going to be able to fix it is me. It would just be very nice if I could be loved along the way by my H. Although him and I are back to talking in a caring manner, it's not the emotional intimacy and closeness I long for. I am looking into part time after school programs for my daughter to free up some time for me while I can still homeschool her. I just signed her up for two classes per week. It's nice to have some breaks.


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