# When to give up, how long?



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It's been four years and 2 separations since DDAy. I left and got depressed and came back after the last 5 month one. When does a person know it's time to stop trying.
H. thinks that I am being spiteful and refusing to move on and it's all 'ancient history now'. Is he right? Am I at fault? I don't mention it much at all but the triggers still make me so sad.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Did he try to do the heavy lifting originally? Did he rugsweep/gaslight etc? 

You "getting" over this should be on your time table and no one else.It sounds like he doesn't respect the amount of pain he's put you through.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

indiecat said:


> It's been four years and 2 separations since DDAy. I left and got depressed and came back after the last 5 month one. When does a person know it's time to stop trying.


A betrayal is akin to first degree murder, only it's marital murder. If you are not completely happy and in love, it's time to go.



indiecat said:


> H. thinks that I am being spiteful and refusing to move on and it's all 'ancient history now'. Is he right? Am I at fault? I don't mention it much at all but the triggers still make me so sad.


This is the #1 problem with betrayers. They had their wild time and want to shrug his shoulders and move on. They refuse to understand what the victim is going though. This is a wound that will fester the rest of your life and he is being a complete pig about it. 

He is wrong.

You are not at fault in any way.

My opinion is to move on and try and find happiness elsewhere. He MUST take accountability for his actions. And if that means losing his marriage, then so be it.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

He said that the A was a PTSD reaction to his friend dying, it was the widow he took up with. He said he wanted to 'inhabit his dead friends skin'. And that since they stopped short of true intercourse (though ejaculation was involved) it wasn't truly adultery. 
He has at times since said he was an ass and he was sorry he hurt me but he went back to the above theme every time we've been to MC. 
He says he is sorry he hurt me, but only after I told him that this is all I really want him to say.
I told him that I'm not sure why I should suffer through the triggers all alone, why can't I confide them in him? But he says the past is passed.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

indiecat said:


> He said that the A was a PTSD reaction to his friend dying, it was the widow he took up with. He said he wanted to 'inhabit his dead friends skin'. And that since they stopped short of true intercourse (though ejaculation was involved) it wasn't truly adultery.
> He has at times since said he was an ass and he was sorry he hurt me but he went back to the above theme every time we've been to MC.
> He says he is sorry he hurt me, but only after I told him that this is all I really want him to say.
> I told him that I'm not sure why I should suffer through the triggers all alone, why can't I confide them in him? But he says the past is passed.


That's a lame excuse for his betrayal. He did it because he wanted to have sex with her. That tells me he is lying to you.

And the past is never the past when you still have this pain. 

Let's see... lies, no accountability for your feelings... hard to see why you stay.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

indiecat said:


> He said that the A was a PTSD reaction to his friend dying, it was the widow he took up with. He said he wanted to 'inhabit his dead friends skin'. And that since they stopped short of true intercourse (though ejaculation was involved) .


BullSSSS !!!!! Another WS trying to justify his unjustifiable actions.

My beloved Grandfather and my MIL passed away within a week of each other 2 years ago. Two people I looked up to and love(d) to the max. I was a broken woman after that. Months later, I had to drag myself to see a shrink. Did I go out and boink another man because of my PTSD ? NO !!!!!!!!!! And unbeknownst to me, my STBX has been boinking OW six months before that.

Here's to adding another cause to the list as to 'why i overstepped my marital boundaries'


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

In reality if we want healing there will be a point where we look at things as "history". But there is something that is missing here that is very important and that is, there is a lack of the WS helping you through your pain. Saying they are sorry is just one way and it should not be as a result of you saying this is what you want to hear, it should be offered without coaching by the BS. 

When do you know it is time to stop trying? When the WS gives you what you need for healing or you get tired of waiting for it.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

indiecat said:


> wasn't truly adultery.


Yes it was, and until he can admit that and really understand it, (not just parrot it back to you as a hollow placation) you will be suffering alone. 

You can keep fighting to get him to realize it, suffer in silence or move on. I don't believe a relationship can really heal unless the WS fully realizes the pain their betrayal caused.

I'm in a similar situation in that my wife doesn't yet understand how truly devastating her affair was to me. She is starting to, I think (maybe it's just hope). So, I'm in the "keep fighting" mode right now. I won't suffer in silence. I've done too much of that in my life and it's not worth it. So, I'll keep fighting until she leaves, or I think we stopped making progress or are going backwards. If it gets like that I'll file D myself and move on.

It's difficult coming to grips with what we have control over in these situations. Because it feels like nothing. But the truth is we do. It's just that sometimes all the choices suck.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I hate when I get major triggers and can't discuss them with him, it's so damn lonely. No one tells you this when you try R. You are alone in your 'memories' and if you mention them you are not 'trying'. The choices do suck. 
How won't you 'suffer in silence"?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Not to be rude, but that's not reconciliation. That's called rug sweeping. Unless that's the R you were referring to.

Reconciliation is when the wayward spouse is open to the betrayed spouse talking about triggers and then not getting all pissy over it. It is also the wayward doing everything in their power to ensure open and honest communication.

Not having you "suffer in silence".


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks, I need to hear that. The other day we were at my parents and my brother asked him about his heart attack. Well that is a major trigger for me. I feel the stress of sneaking around contributed to his heart attack. Also when he was in the hospital that week he called OW every time my back was turned (cell phone records). And IF I told him this upset me, on the way home he would go nuts. 
It has been four years, I worry that it may be wrong of me to keep bringing things up, so I try not to, but then I sit and cry alone in the tub about it later. Isn't he supposed to be there for me? 
OR is 4 years really enough time for me to let it go?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Well, that's just it, though. It seems you weren't able to properly work through things and actually DEAL with the affair and the onslaught of the after effects. Therefore, 4 years matters not. You didn't really get started on an honest chance at reconciliation, IMO. 

And YES!!! Of course he is supposed to be there for you. That's the whole flippin point!!! He hasn't been.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

indiecat said:


> OR is 4 years really enough time for me to let it go?


You can't let it go until you can resolve it. You can't resolve it unless you can both talk about it. Sounds like you both just shelved it and are hoping the lid stays on the jar. 

The problem is this is a jar of festering excrement that will keep building up pressure. Deal with it before it explodes.

Dealing with it is not a single conversation. Dealing with it is learning how to communicate with each other. You need to be able to say what is on your mind, and he needs to be able to do the same. You both need to be able to receive that message without judging it. Without being defensive. 

My FWW and I have been working on it for a year. We still have a lot of work to do. We still tailspin into nonproductive territory. I shut her down and she shuts me down. We have 22 years of learning to push each others buttons. We need to unlearn that. It's going to take time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are in that alone. Sounds like he has moved on. Can you live like that? Because you can't change him if he doesn't want to be changed. Reconciliation is a lot harder than divorce.


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