# Why would I want to ask about my wife's sexual past?



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I see the title and I think that maybe this is a rhetorical question.

I see so many threads from posters who are struggling with the knowledge they have gained about their SO's sexual past and I wonder why why why does it even matter?

My wife was married twice before me. I was more concerned with why she got divorced than I was with what she did in bed with them, or what she did in bed with any other guy. 

Maybe it is just confidence, maybe it is just that I accept that she is a sexual being - but the only question I asked was whether she was healthy - or whether I needed to be concerned about safe sex.

I don't care at all to know the details. I am not afraid of anything - I just figure why put her on the spot and really, again, what difference does it make?

I see guys and gals opening themselves up for big hurt and disappointments by going down this disclosure road.

I will just enjoy the fruits of whatever she did in the past. She is very good in bed, and I enjoy her. I am not going to ask her who taught her how to do this or that. There are some things I want to teach her myself and I do not care to say that such and such girlfriend did this. She only needs to know that I like it.

I think this might just be a rhetorical blurt on my part but if anyone else wants to give their opinion I would be interested in reading it.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

I'll chime in and say I agree with you. But we are all different. Depending on my relationship with a wife with a similar history I might ask her if she wanted to be the only one who benefitted from all that experience.

But that's just me. I certainly would not criticize.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

I agree! Leave the past, in the past. We know after we know they are seen in "a different light." Keep her "in your light."


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

The past is the past, but nothing worse than someone outside the relationship bringing that past up and throwing it up in your face, and it's 100x more extensive than you ever imagined. That they get to gaze upon her in that way, and you are the dumb babe...

It's better to know about it so you can have the attitude "I already knew that".


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> I see the title and I think that maybe this is a rhetorical question.
> 
> I see so many threads from posters who are struggling with the knowledge they have gained about their SO's sexual past and I wonder why why why does it even matter?
> 
> ...


I think this issue is really an individual thing. A W's sexual past might be a whole lot more important to someone who is relatively inexperienced than it is to someone who is a third husband.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

See as a woman I totally agree with you. I never wanted to know any details of my husband's sexual past; we'd both been married with kids and I knew he had a somewhat extensive past, and I was fine with that. I love the package he is today and all that made him, and I had my own past. But I don't feel like I need the details.
Unfortunately he felt the need to volunteer all kinds if details I didn't ask for or want, presumably to make himself look good. But it didn't make him look good to me; it made him look like someone that was insecure and needed to boost himself, and it also made me think he spent a lot of time thinking about exes. It's a big turnoff. I eventually put a stop to it and it doesn't happen anymore.
I can see how others might feel differently about this though, which is why I think you should ask for the details you want and you should answer honestly whatever your spouse specifically asks. Ironically my husband has never asked for details about my past, suggesting to me that he doesn't want to know. That's fine with me but it also supports my belief that his sharing his own details was never about honesty, but was about trying to make himself look better. Maybe I'm unique as a woman in this regard, it does seem like this is a bigger issue to men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Oh god! Who would want the details?! That would destroy someone.


I think it depends on the person and the state of the relationship. Some might not want the details. You just have to know yourself well to know if you can handle hearing it or not. Hearing details about my husband's sexual past doesn't bother me _*now*_ than say when we first met. I'm in a much secure place in my marriage. We have a long history together. We have a family together. I've actually asked for the details. I'm not bothered by them at all. He got to where he is now because he's the sum of his past.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Yeah. I saw this because I thought about it and came back to post something just like what you posted as an edit. I do realise that some, in reconciliation, will need more details, as well.
> 
> I'm not sure why you would want details, though. Is it so that you can try new things? Maybe you want to know where he learned that or what made him even think of such a thing?


Well we're not in reconciliation since there's no infidelity. I'm talking about details when he was dating before he met me. I've always been curious about people I know. My mother used to say my favorite question was "why". I'm one of those people who doesn't like to be in the dark about someone. I'd hate the thought someone knows more about him than I do. We have such a great relationship together that what I've done or what he's done is no threat to it. He makes me feel very secure, very loved, so coming from that place, any woman before me is a nobody. I mean if she were, he would have married her instead of me.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Our definitions of the word, "details", might differ, too. I don't want to know he spooged on her face, when and where or that it made her feel wonderful when he did it.


By details I mean graphic details, but we actually talk and laugh about things like this from the past. I'm not his first for some things, but for others I am. I focus on that instead of what happened before. Again it goes more to how my mind is wired. I can file some things away and not get bothered. My husband didn't volunteer these details. I asked...but then I'm the curious type. Sometimes he'd ask "you sure you want to know" but I did and I can't get mad if I asked and he answered.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think a person's past does have a large impact on who they are today. If a person, for example, is 40 and is a virgin it tells us something. If a person is 20 and has had 100 sex partners, that tells us something. If that 20 year old then ten years down the road has been in 1 long term relationship it tells us he/she learned and changed in some way in the last 10 years. Which informs us as to who this person is.

Did they tend to have a string of 6 month relationships? Did they tend to get married quickly and then divorced in a year, leaving 4 ex-spouses in their wake? Did they have a 20 year marriage and then after divorce enjoy being single for a few years before deciding to get serious again?

I would hope people could be open and accepting, and thus grow together and enjoy each other. It isn't about judging the person, but about getting to know them.

I think it is healthy to be able to discuss fond memories, like senior prom night, without getting all uptight. If the person had experiences we didn't have, it would be interesting to get their views on what it was like and what they learned from it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Oh god! Who would want the details?! That would destroy someone.



I didn't, and I don't know who would want some of the details I got. They didn't even serve any purpose besides to stick my face in things. It still p!sses me off sometimes, but it's water under the bridge at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Yes, but I don't want to know the details of that encounter. Yes, it's nice to know she had a good time. I don't need to know much more than that. Okay, she had sex with him on prom night. That's fine. Exactly what they did she can keep to herself, unless she wants to try it.


I agree.

I'm picturing sitting around with a glass of wine and laughing about stupid or silly things from the past. Like that tux I wore to prom in 1978! And driving my car a little too far when we got to the beach and putting the front wheels into soft sand. So there we were, stuck until morning.

In a healthy relationship I think people can talk about these things without it being threatening. Probably it is easier for older people to not feel threatened about the far distant past than younger 20's who aren't as mature and not so far from the events.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Thor said:


> ... driving my car a little too far when we got to the beach and putting the front wheels into soft sand. So there we were, stuck until morning.
> 
> I


She fell for that one? I think that was no accident - fess up Thor...

I agree that healthy people can talk about these things. I also feel that healthy people don't really want to know... at least not the gory details. They have boundaries and they respect them.

When my wife and I were first getting serious about each other she said..."I know I am not your first... I just hope that I am your last..."

It was a sweet thing to say and it kind of laid down the idea that neither one of us is a spring chicken, but that does not mean that what we have can't be special.

I do notice one difference from some of the other posters... I don't cross paths with people either one of us was involved with. And even if we did I don't think anyone would be talking about the past, so I don't have to deal with that dynamic.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> And there it is. Similar doesn't usually matter. When there is great difference, it matters. It matters because, something like a bunch of guys walking up to her and hugging her because of their intimate past, which the present inexperienced husband has no knowledge of how to handle, because of his inexperience, places doubt and seeds of mistrust in his mind.
> 
> They are delusional, but one doesn't know that, when he has not experienced it.
> 
> ...


How many of this horde does she still get together with during the week?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

sparkyjim said:


> I do notice one difference from some of the other posters... I don't cross paths with people either one of us was involved with. And even if we did I don't think anyone would be talking about the past, so I don't have to deal with that dynamic.


Same here. We don't cross paths with anyone from our pasts. They live in other states far from us, so perhaps that makes it easier for me to talk about his past with him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Thor said*: *I think a person's past does have a large impact on who they are today. If a person, for example, is 40 and is a virgin it tells us something. If a person is 20 and has had 100 sex partners, that tells us something. If that 20 year old then ten years down the road has been in 1 long term relationship it tells us he/she learned and changed in some way in the last 10 years. Which informs us as to who this person is.
> 
> Did they tend to have a string of 6 month relationships? Did they tend to get married quickly and then divorced in a year, leaving 4 ex-spouses in their wake? Did they have a 20 year marriage and then after divorce enjoy being single for a few years before deciding to get serious again?
> 
> ...










That about sums it up very nicely....



sparkyjim said:


> *I agree that healthy people can talk about these things. I also feel that healthy people don't really want to know... at least not the gory details. They have boundaries and they respect them.*


I think it is good you can see both sides of this coin... Me personally...I prefer the "open book" type... I really enjoy DEEP communication going anywhere, everywhere.... the past (because it does shape us, mold us, we make mistakes, like that Alanis Morrisette song* >> *"*you live you learn*" ...if we can't talk & share openly about ourselves, where we have come from, old friends, old lovers...what fell apart in these relationships, what we learned, where we are going, I would find something amiss...that is just how I am geared ...

A partner , in my eyes, should be a Best friend.... If I was met with any attitude of "It's none of your business" while getting to know someone.. I'd drop them...I'd know we'd not be compatible. 

We met young so there is no pasts for us (maybe easy for me to say) ....the little stuff I have done with boys - my husband knows it all ..... and I was eager to hear all of his experiences too. I've told him to look up his old GF's on Facebook, his Mom never took any pictures...I so wish he had some !... I'd love to see him in those younger years before we met... This was part of his life! 

.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

Just curious, would people want to know if their partner had been in jail? Had committed crimes? Had been previously married? 

I think a person's sexual past can give you an idea about their character and their state of mind. I don't think a person needs graphic details, but burying your head in the sand makes zero sense to me.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> I see the title and I think that maybe this is a rhetorical question.
> 
> I see so many threads from posters who are struggling with the knowledge they have gained about their SO's sexual past and I wonder why why why does it even matter?
> 
> ...


And myself and many others certainly appreciate* your* point of view on this matter regarding *your* wife.

But there are also men right here on TAM who have absolutely no problem sharing their wives with other men , and they say it makes them feel more confident and secure . Myself and others really cant fault them for that.
That's *their *choice of lifestyle and *their* wife.
How would you feel if they told you that you were an insecure and controlling man because you'd have problems sharing your wife with other men?

See how that works?

It would be nice if you could return the favour , and appreciate that each person is different , comes from different circumstances so, their reactions to the issue you mentioned would obviously ,
be different.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I don't think discomfort with details is a sign of insecurity at all, and it is kind of pretentious to imply that it is somehow the moral high ground if you don't feel discomfort.

Several posters here have hit on the real issue behind knowing about your partners past. Being in the know so you don't walk into that room where everybody knows that the two guys over there tagg teamed your wife while you are blissfully unaware.

My STBW and I live in the same area where she has spent her whole life. She has a pretty extensive past, the vast majority of it happened when she was young, twenty years ago, but we still run into men she's been with, and she has been very forthcoming with me if she thinks we will be in a situation where I should know, so I am never blindsided. The only details she has given are ones that are important to me, and she has a very good grasp on what I consider important so we are on the same page. She on the other hand will not meet any other partners of mine other than my ex wife, because there was only one other, and she is dead.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I do not want to know what my husband did with others before me, and same goes for him. Hes been married before, he is 22 years older than me, he first had sex when he was 21, and i had my first child at 17, he had his first child at 49, thats all i really need to know, and i am sure that is all he needs to know.

I am not interested in what sort of stuff he did in the bedroom, I just care about what we do.

I would not like to have images left in my head.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You don't ask your wife. You ask your fiance.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Oh god! Who would want the details?! That would destroy someone.


I would. In technicolor and Dolby surround, if available.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If your soon to be spouse was in a relationship (s) before you, then It's pretty much a give that they were intimate with them. I wouldn't expect that they would just indulge in passionate hand holding

When I met my first wife, she had been in a couple of relationships and she knew I was in the army and had been not only in south east Asia (Vietnam) and R&R in Taiwan and was in Europe and she sometimes would ask about my times there and honestly I didn't go in to detail because there wasn't anything I could do about it and I told her that I didn't ask about hers because I knew that if she was seeing a guy for a while, it would be natural that something happened and it was in the past and were now in the present and I left it at that. 

Although I told her, "yeah I had sex when I was in the army and I sowed my wild oats and now I'm ready to settle down so leave a sleeping dog lie.

Little did I know that after a couple of years in the marriage she was border line nympho and no doubt screwed the eyeballs out of all the guys she was with, none the less it was the past and those guys were lucky that they didn't have to put up with her.

I ran into one of her old flames after we were divorced and found out that she broke up with him to be with me and he still harbored some resentment and after I told him about the ten years I spent with her, he changed his mind.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I have never understood why anyone would want to know the details of sex a significant other had with someone else.

I've had bf's ask questions like "so, what's the kinkiest thing you've ever done" and I just say I prefer not to discuss what I've done with others and I have no desire to know what they have done with past girlfriends. The response has always been, "oh, okay."

Now, as long as he is disease free of course, I only care what a man is like while he is with me. If a man I was dating was really focused on how many partners I'd had or what I did with them I'd assume he was sexually insecure and/or has a tendency to focus on what others do, as opposed to what HE can do to make his life successful. Not a good sign.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> I'm not sure I understand you here. He didn't ask who you did it with. Can you explain why you feel it's not important to discuss things you liked with someone you want to have a good time with? I think that's part of the details I'd want to know. I don't want to know excactly what happened, but if a woman would say in response, "I like being tied up.", and then discuss how far to go, it might be fun for both.


Where that can get particularly dangerous for a guy is if she admits trying something, loving it then but doesn't want to do it anymore.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Then she lied about loving it? Unless, she is physically incapable of performing some headstand type body position. I think that would be quite understandable and any husband would be able to understand that. I know it's not any, but I know I'd be fine with an explanation like that.


I wasn't talking about her lying about enjoying it. Although that can happen, she enjoys and lied that she didn't to protect hubby's ego.

In what I was talking about, yes, sometimes it can be physical changes. Sometimes not.

As an example of the first, anal sex is fun for a while, but it is hard on a woman's body. More than one woman here has talked about enjoying it until it hurt them. Or hemorrhoids took the fun out of it.

As an example of the second: A woman can do things with a non-serious fling that she has trouble with in a long term relationship. Things like outdoor sex.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> I don't think discomfort with details is a sign of insecurity at all, and it is kind of pretentious to imply that it is somehow the moral high ground if you don't feel discomfort.
> 
> Several posters here have hit on the real issue behind knowing about your partners past. Being in the know so you don't walk into that room where everybody knows that the two guys over there tagg teamed your wife while you are blissfully unaware.


Society I think puts too much pressure on people to be "open minded" about their partner's past. People are told they are not on that higher moral ground if they feel bothered or concerned about the past.

I know I felt pressured to be "mature and modern" even when my gut was screaming at me about my wife's past when we were dating. I wish I had listened to my gut, not society's judgmentalism about my values.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We know what we like, we've shared what we like, and it's obvious we had to learn/experience some of it from/with someone else. Who they were (except generally) and the details aren't needed, just what to do that each other likes. That said, we know about each other's past lovers, without many details, as they're not important or relevant to us.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> :scratchhead: You'd like to see your wife, "pounded", by some other man? I can't wrap my head around that. I think I need to go out and explore some crazy sex? I put a question mark at the end of that sentence, because I don't know if I could do that. I don't ...............I just don't know. I have so many things to improve in my life, before I do anything, I might be dead before I start even trying.  (thank you exwife and APs, family and "friends", and I thank myself, that's the hardest part.)


Let's be clear - I have no interest in cuckolding or anything of that nature. I want my wife remaining faithful to me now that we're married.

As to what went on before, I have it on her authority that it wasn't much, but it wouldn't bother me to find out all of the details, even were it significantly more. If it showed any hint of sexual interest on her part, I'm all in. I don't have the gene that makes you insanely jealous of your wife's past/present/future/fantasy life. Never did. She's mine now - that's good enough for me.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

"Why" someone would ask? Well that's up to each person. When my wife and I were dating and had been together a couple of years I asked because I wanted to know. I do know it was important that the answer was truthful. Her saying "I'm not gonna say" would be better than her misrepresenting it and that's nothing more than a respect issue.

We all have our "oh that's too much to deal with" list. For many it's a history of drug or alcohol abuse. For me a history of serial cheating would have been a show stopper.

EDIT: Upon thinking a few more minutes on this. I remember the conversation drifted toward anyone we would come into contact with. I'm not sure why it was (and is) important to me that I know of anyone we were around who had been with her. Instinctive I think. We were both in our mid twenties and had partners and ran similar circles on occasion.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> I have never understood why anyone would want to know the details of sex a significant other had with someone else.
> 
> I've had bf's ask questions like "so, what's the kinkiest thing you've ever done" and I just say I prefer not to discuss what I've done with others and I have no desire to know what they have done with past girlfriends. The response has always been, "oh, okay."
> 
> Now, as long as he is disease free of course, I only care what a man is like while he is with me. If a man I was dating was really focused on how many partners I'd had or what I did with them I'd assume he was sexually insecure and/or has a tendency to focus on what others do, as opposed to what HE can do to make his life successful. Not a good sign.


This makes zero sense to me. You ask, "Have you ever been in jail or committed a crime? " They respond, "I prefer not to discuss what I have done in the past. " You would be cool with that?

Or, "Have you ever been married or engaged before." And they again respond, "I would rather not talk about my past. " You would be cool with that? 

As I said before, I don't need graphic details, but I have no understanding how questions about someone's past demonstrates insecurity. I want to know the chararatcer of the person I am with. A person's sexual past can certainly speak to this issue.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Thor said:


> I think a person's past does have a large impact on who they are today. If a person, for example, is 40 and is a virgin it tells us something. If a person is 20 and has had 100 sex partners, that tells us something. If that 20 year old then ten years down the road has been in 1 long term relationship it tells us he/she learned and changed in some way in the last 10 years. Which informs us as to who this person is.
> 
> Did they tend to have a string of 6 month relationships? Did they tend to get married quickly and then divorced in a year, leaving 4 ex-spouses in their wake? Did they have a 20 year marriage and then after divorce enjoy being single for a few years before deciding to get serious again?
> 
> ...


I think that the OP is confusing two separate things: a 'sex' life and a 'relationship' life.

I really don't need to know about your sex life prior to me unless it involved monetary transactions...and in that case, I am LESS likely to get the truth, so no help there.

However, while I don't really need to hear about the Greek God that you once had sex with, I do need a BIT more information than nothing:

1) How many prior relationships did you have and how long were they?

2) Were you ever a cheater? How long ago? What did you learn?

3) Do you still carry a torch for some other guy? If you DO meet a prior lover and feel a 'tingle', I should probably know about it.

4) what are your thoughts on 'one night stands' and did you have a 'crazy period'? 

None of these are deal breakers, but it allows me to better assess your potential as relationship material. A girl who had a 'crazy period' between two LTR is not a bad choice.

And on the flip side, I need to be able to answer these questions.

I already know how sex works. It is incumbent on my partner to share what she likes or doesn't like, though hearing about a predilection for multiple partners will put a damper on things...


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> :scratchhead: You'd like to see your wife, "pounded", by some other man? I can't wrap my head around that. I think I need to go out and explore some crazy sex? I put a question mark at the end of that sentence, because I don't know if I could do that. I don't ...............I just don't know. I have so many things to improve in my life, before I do anything, I might be dead before I start even trying.  (thank you exwife and APs, family and "friends", and I thank myself, that's the hardest part.)


I read it as a joke.

Perhaps I was wrong.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> I read it as a joke.
> 
> Perhaps I was wrong.


More of a hyperbolic response.

It wouldn't bother me to know every single sordid detail. I might not want to sit down with a bucket of popcorn and watch the film, but I have no insecurity around my spouse's past. It predates and as such is no threat to my present.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Oh god! Who would want the details?! That would destroy someone.


I know more of my wife's "details" than her best friend. We talk about our sexual pasts because we're confident and secure with our current, and lets be honest, PEOPLE LOVE TALKING ABOUT SEX.

If I couldn't handle my wife's past, than I have an issue. I know how big and small some ex's are. I know some funny stories that happened during experimentation. I know it all and my wife and I can laugh and talk about it. 

I do believe a person's past matters because it's what shapes them and turns them into who they are today. I also believe that people need to find someone with similar belief structures regarding sexuality, which is why it's so important to be honest and open with your partner sexually. The BIGGEST issue on this topic comes from two very different belief systems marrying. 

I love to hear people talk about "Spouses need to support each other 100%, be open and honest with each other." and then the same person might respond to THIS subject with "Yeah I won't tell them my history, that was before them." WTF?!?!

If your spouse isn't mature and secure enough to handle those conversations...well THAT is the issue.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I know more of my wife's "details" than her best friend. We talk about our sexual pasts because we're confident and secure with our current, and lets be honest, PEOPLE LOVE TALKING ABOUT SEX.
> 
> If I couldn't handle my wife's past, than I have an issue. I know how big and small some ex's are. I know some funny stories that happened during experimentation. I know it all and my wife and I can laugh and talk about it.
> 
> ...


This doesn't always have anything to do with security, it has to do with what people can tolerate or not. Some people can tolerate heights, others can't. Doesn't make one more secure than the other, or better than the other It just is.

I am beginning to think that the word 'insecure' is starting to be thrown around a bit too much, and much like the word 'controlling' is becoming a word to shame others with, to claim a nonexistant moral high ground.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> This doesn't always have anything to do with security, it has to do with what people can tolerate or not. Some people can tolerate heights, others can't. Doesn't make one more secure than the other, or better than the other It just is.
> 
> I am beginning to think that the word 'insecure' is starting to be thrown around a bit too much, and much like the word 'controlling' is becoming a word to shame others with, to claim a nonexistant moral high ground.


Surely there is a difference between not wanting to know the details and feeling threatened by them? The former is like someone who can't watch open heart surgery whilst eating dinner. The latter sure seems to me to fit the description of "insecure".


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Surely there is a difference between not wanting to know the details and feeling threatened by them? The former is like someone who can't watch open heart surgery whilst eating dinner. The latter sure seems to me to fit the description of "insecure".


Of course there is a difference, but only the person having the feeling can know that for sure, and so to label them as insecure just because they have a different tolerance than for instance you do is being rather presumptive.

As many here know, my STBW has a very broad past, most of it before she turned 18, though the more colorful parts after. I am not insecure in our relationship at all. I know I have her wrapped so tight around my d1ck there's not even room for an ultra thin condom, but I really don't want to hear any more details than is absolutely necessary.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> As many here know, my STBW has a very broad past, most of it before she turned 18, though the more colorful parts after. I am not insecure in our relationship at all. I know I have her wrapped so tight around my d1ck there's not even room for an ultra thin condom, but I really don't want to hear any more details than is absolutely necessary.


That's clearly not being insecure. Insecure would be losing sleep over it, obsessing over it, thinking up revenge strategies over it, or considering destroying your relationship over it. 

Not that we've seen any of those kinds of behaviors in this discussion.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Cletus said:


> That's clearly not being insecure. Insecure would be losing sleep over it, obsessing over it, thinking up revenge strategies over it, or considering destroying your relationship over it.
> 
> Not that we've seen any of those kinds of behaviors in this discussion.


Yep, not here but somewhere else recently (unless he's a troll)...


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

The only real interest I have in my W's sexual past is what she did with the OM. 

And frankly that disgusts me.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

To me, discussing a spouse's sexual past in detail is almost like bringing a third party into the relationship.

What happened in the past should stay there unless it is truly necessary to discuss it because of the dynamics of the relationship (e.g. you need to know if your partner was abused or raped and hopefully they will tell you, because this will probably impact on their relationship with you, reactions to sex etc). Even then, I don't think anyone needs the gory details.

It is also, to my mind, a breach of trust. I would be really angry if my husband and I split and I thought he was telling his new woman everything we did in bed. Equally, I have to see his former wife at certain family functions and it would be extra unpleasant if I were privy to all their rumpy pumpy. Which clearly they engaged in at least twice since they have 2 children.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I guess I don't have that curiosity gene or whatever it is that makes people want to _know _all about their spouse's past. I just don't care what he did with anyone else, certainly not specifics. 

At the same time, the thought of knowing everything, or more than what I already know, also doesn't fill me with any sort of anxiety.

The only thing that really matters to me is what kind of lover he is _with me_. It's all about ME, people! No one else, nor what he did with anyone else, takes up any space in my head. It's all about ME!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> This doesn't always have anything to do with security, it has to do with what people can tolerate or not. Some people can tolerate heights, others can't. Doesn't make one more secure than the other, or better than the other It just is.
> 
> I am beginning to think that the word 'insecure' is starting to be thrown around a bit too much, and much like the word 'controlling' is becoming a word to shame others with, to claim a nonexistant moral high ground.


Fair enough. And, yes I agree with your sentiment that the word "insecure" gets thrown around a lot.

I do think insecurity is a driving force behind not wanting to hear about your partners past. Comparisons, feelings of inadequacy, etc. are usually the bi-product, depending on the person.

I'm speaking from my own situation though. I married a woman who's attitudes, beliefs and values about sex were similar to mine. I "get her" sexually. I personally believe the big problems on this issue come from when someone who has "chosen" to have very few partners (chosen by their own accord or because they tried unsuccessfully for many years to have partners and couldn't) marries someone who is VERY promiscuous. There are a myriad of negative emotions that can swell up there, jealousy, insecurity, shame etc.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> To me, discussing a spouse's sexual past in detail is almost like bringing a third party into the relationship.
> 
> What happened in the past should stay there unless it is truly necessary to discuss it because of the dynamics of the relationship (e.g. you need to know if your partner was abused or raped and hopefully they will tell you, because this will probably impact on their relationship with you, reactions to sex etc). Even then, I don't think anyone needs the gory details.
> 
> It is also, to my mind, a breach of trust. I would be really angry if my husband and I split and I thought he was telling his new woman everything we did in bed. Equally, I have to see his former wife at certain family functions and it would be extra unpleasant if I were privy to all their rumpy pumpy. Which clearly they engaged in at least twice since they have 2 children.


Thank you for bringing in this perspective. What I think we're learning is everyone has different needs, desires and tolerances when it comes to this issue.

What are your thoughts of when women talk "amongst themselves" about their sexual escapades then? I haven't known a lot of women who didn't share the "gory details" with their best friend.

Please understand, I'm a guy who enjoys being my wife's best friend. I was very fortunate to find a woman who loves me for who I am and loves doing many of the things I enjoy doing, while supporting the couple hobbies I have that she doesn't enjoy LOL. We have AMAZING chemistry and we just clicked across the board, so it was very natural to be able to talk about our pasts. I actually feel like a better lover for her because I know things she liked and disliked from her past.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Please understand, I'm a guy who enjoys being my wife's best friend. I was very fortunate to find a woman who loves me for who I am and loves doing many of the things I enjoy doing, while supporting the couple hobbies I have that she doesn't enjoy LOL. We have AMAZING chemistry and we just clicked across the board, so it was very natural to be able to talk about our pasts. I actually feel like a better lover for her because I know things she liked and disliked from her past.


Same here although I'm not a guy. I have very good chemistry with my husband. We're lock and key. He and I are very, very compatible and we've always been that way. We hit it off from the time we met. I didn't have that kind of chemistry with other men I dated. Same thing for him. I can talk to him about anything and vice versa. In the context of that kind of relationship, I find I can talk about past sexual details without getting bothered by it. It doesn't feel like a third party is there and I don't have mind movies. We've even laughed at some of the details we've shared because some are now funny in retrospect. I don't think I'm an outlier because there are others I've met on other boards who share the same view.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It seems like no one would want their partner to think "OMG I would have never thought that" when they hear something about our past. I can understand why it's a non issue for a lot of people because their past is kind of normal. Shoot mine's normal and so is my wife's. But even the "I don't care to know" crowd have expectations that outrageous stuff will not spring up later on. IMO anyway.

There was one of these conversations a while back and a poster who was really offended by the notion that sexual history mattered to some people pointed out that a history of drug abuse would have been a showstopper for her. Really though it's hard not to know someone if you actually date them several years before jumping into marriage. At some point before marriage there should have been plenty of conversations about shared values and beliefs enough that either partner really should know if something from their past needs to come out beforehand.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Chemistry, is finding someone who you are attracted to and they are attracted to you. Chemistry has nothing to do with how much a person wants to hear before they throw up.


I disagree as it applies to me and my relationship for which I would be the best expert. It's chemistry when you can talk about anything and everything with your spouse. I've always said that about my husband. He's very easy for me to talk to. I can't do that with everyone. I'm pretty reserved with a lot of people, as some here can attest to. Chemistry includes being able to open up to someone and that's what I am talking about. I can open up to him and he to me. Great chemistry is not just about attraction. And again different strokes for different folks. If you don't want to know the details, that's fine. It's your relationship, not mine. But there's nothing wrong also for people who ARE comfortable talking in detail about past relationships. It doesn't make me want to throw up.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> I disagree as it applies to me and my relationship for which I would be the best expert. It's chemistry when you can talk about anything and everything with your spouse. I've always said that about my husband. He's very easy for me to talk to. I can't do that with everyone. I'm pretty reserved with a lot of people, as some here can attest to. Chemistry includes being able to open up to someone and that's what I am talking about. I can open up to him and he to me. Great chemistry is not just about attraction. And again different strokes for different folks. If you don't want to know the details, that's fine. It's your relationship, not mine. But there's nothing wrong also for people who ARE comfortable talking in detail about past relationships. It doesn't make me want to throw up.


Well said Coffee. I get where 2ntnuf's coming from but I really liked your comment. It suggest that chemistry and compatibility can be one in the same (I think).


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> You didn't read the links I posted. Did you?  I understand what she is saying, also. That doesn't mean she is correct, or that I agree. It also doesn't mean I am hurt or angry or anything negative.  It doesn't mean I don't respect her opinion, either.


heh. No I haven't read them yet but I will. I don't ever assume bad stuff bad about your posts. You say too many things that resonate with me. There's always thought and compassion behind your post. I on the other hand can't seem to communicate on TAM without sounding all soap-boxy. It's a skill I guess. Maybe a happy avatar will help some.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> And I knew this about myself before I married the second time and asked about types of relationships, whether she was a party girl, etc. What was lacking was TRUTH from her. The same damn thing we're talking about here. I didn't ask if some guy spooged all over her and how many times and who it was when where. I asked in general. That's an effin' out an out lie I don'tcare what anyone thinks. You want to turn this around onto the victim? Find another.
> 
> There are ways to be honest. She didn't even give us a chance, at our own personal happiness because of her LIES. It was totally selfish and unloving. It would be better to be honest without too many details in the beginning, if she truly wanted to find happiness and longevity in a relationship/marriage. I hope that helps you understand.


I'm not sure where you think I'm "turning this against the victim". I'm not.

You mixing two issues. There's the issue of two partner's sexual pasts. That's one thing.

Then there's the issue of honesty in a relationship. That's something entirely different.

To me, it sounds like you did the right thing, you knew what you wanted and needed in a relationship and your wife lied about it. That's completely wrong on her part. No ifs ands or buts.

Compounding the issue is that the lies then spread into THIS issue because now she's not who you wanted or was looking for. I truly feel for you. That is the WORST situation possible.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Same here although I'm not a guy. I have very good chemistry with my husband. We're lock and key. He and I are very, very compatible and we've always been that way. We hit it off from the time we met. I didn't have that kind of chemistry with other men I dated. Same thing for him. I can talk to him about anything and vice versa. In the context of that kind of relationship, I find I can talk about past sexual details without getting bothered by it. It doesn't feel like a third party is there and I don't have mind movies. We've even laughed at some of the details we've shared because some are now funny in retrospect. I don't think I'm an outlier because there are others I've met on other boards who share the same view.


EXACTLY!!! Thank you for describing this. THIS is what I'm talking about for me. It sounds like your relationship is VERY similar to the one I have with my wife.

Also I hope people don't miss that I've stated, everyone is different. The relationship and personalities that are in my marriage, wouldn't work for the next person. We have a married couple as friends where the guy was a virgin and the woman....wasn't LOL. His attitude was, I don't want to know. I don't want to know how many, who or any details. He's hung out with some of her previous sexual partners, without knowing. And he's fine with that. It works for him. Hey to each their own.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> You didn't read the links I posted. Did you?  I understand what she is saying, also. That doesn't mean she is correct, or that I agree. It also doesn't mean I am hurt or angry or anything negative.  It doesn't mean I don't respect her opinion, either.


It also doesn't mean she's incorrect to have the relationship she has with her husband, or the one I have with my wife.

Sorry, when my wife told me about a story when she tried being tied up on a table and the table broke under her and it was one of those "in the movies looks great, in real life...not so much" a couple things happened for me. 

1. I laughed so hard because I know my wife and she's cursed like that.
2. I learned she wasn't a fan of that type of sex because the experience wasn't enjoyable for her so I can take that off my checklist of how to be a better lover for her.

One thing I didn't do was be bothered by it. What is there to be bothered by or threatened by. It's a previous experience in my wife's life. Maybe my attitude is tied to the fact that I KNOW my wife digs me and I'm the best lover she's ever had. Maybe it's hearing her say things like "I wish I could've just skipped my 20's with all the losers I found and just have found you." Or the fact I'm the only man who's ever been able to make her O (yes, this is fact not her blowing smoke up my rear. She actually didn't believe I'd be able to because she had become jaded on the issue)

I don't know, I'm just different I guess.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> It also doesn't mean she's incorrect to have the relationship she has with her husband, or the one I have with my wife.
> 
> Sorry, when my wife told me about a story when she tried being tied up on a table and the table broke under her and it was one of those "in the movies looks great, in real life...not so much" a couple things happened for me.
> 
> ...


That right there is the key I think. She is giving you the words of affirmation you need to feel confident and comfortable. She hasn't gone dwn the road of telling you about the great sex she had with others. She is minimizing the good times nad maximizing the bad, the awkward. Assuming she had any level of sexual experience before you, it would be foolish to honestly believe that it was all bad and awkward. She is allowing you to form your own interpretation of her past without clouding it with too many things that would be counter productive. There is nothig wrong with that. It is the right way to go in my opinion.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> That right there is the key I think. She is giving you the words of affirmation you need to feel confident and comfortable. She hasn't gone dwn the road of telling you about the great sex she had with others. *She is minimizing the good times nad maximizing the bad, the awkward. Assuming she had any level of sexual experience before you, it would be foolish to honestly believe that it was all bad and awkward. She is allowing you to form your own interpretation of her past without clouding it with too many things that would be counter productive.* There is nothig wrong with that. It is the right way to go in my opinion.


Can you clarify this, Sam? Because it sounds like you're advocating a bit of...lying? Not clouding his interpretation with...truth? 

Isn't that what women are excoriated for around here, minimizing the truth to spare their man's feelings/anxieties, whether it be minimizing numbers of men or sex acts or whatever?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> That right there is the key I think. She is giving you the words of affirmation you need to feel confident and comfortable. She hasn't gone dwn the road of telling you about the great sex she had with others. She is minimizing the good times nad maximizing the bad, the awkward. Assuming she had any level of sexual experience before you, it would be foolish to honestly believe that it was all bad and awkward. She is allowing you to form your own interpretation of her past without clouding it with too many things that would be counter productive. There is nothig wrong with that. It is the right way to go in my opinion.


Oh I get the full "unedited" version. I know the guy before me that knocked her socks off sexually. He was a jerk in OTHER areas to her, but not in the bedroom, or office stall or other places LOL. My wife doesn't have the mental ability to "shade" her answers and I love that about her. Sometimes she has ZERO tact on issues at home, but I'd rather deal with the unadulterated truth and have the full issue in front of me than to have a shaded truth but never truly know what the issue is.

So yes, I do get tons of affirmation, but I also don't get any misperceptions. I'm glad my wife had great, bad, awkward and experimental sexual experiences. She entered into our relationship with a better understanding of what she likes and what she doesn't. 

I also want to make one thing clear, my wife wasn't super promiscuous. I have and had certain criteria I wanted in a partner sexually speaking. I wanted a partner who put a premium on her sexuality and didn't just throw it around, if you will. In talking with my wife, she is/was that person. 

Based on the responses here, I feel like an extreme minority. Is it really difficult to have open and honest sexual conversations about your partner's past without it bothering you? I guess if I didn't have the confidence I do in our marriage and relationship (sexually and otherwise) I might feel differently. I guess I never go into the "competing" with her past stage.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

norajane said:


> Can you clarify this, Sam? Because it sounds like you're advocating a bit of...lying? Not clouding his interpretation with...truth?
> 
> Isn't that what women are excoriated for around here, minimizing the truth to spare their man's feelings/anxieties, whether it be minimizing numbers of men or sex acts or whatever?


Well, surely in her past, she has had good sex with someone else. It would be difficult to believe that someone with multiple past partners NEVER had good sex. I'm sure there are some, but not many. Has she told him in the same level of detail about those times as the time she described being tied up and the table breaking? My guess is probably not. Is that lying? Some might think so, or at least lying by omission. Is it minimizing? Some might think so simply because it is not given the same amount of time. Is it the curent partners fault for not prying for those details?

I think there is a difference in giving a false number of partners, and leaving out details about how good it was with them. General truthful information is helpful in determining compatabilty on sexual views, but details generally aren't.

There is also a certain amount of unspoken truth. We all know that our partners had good sex before us, and so we don't need that confirmed in word. We are happy with the assumed truth of that. This is why most people have no issues with a persons past after a remarriage in a broad sense. We know they had sex. We know they enjoyed it at times. Now if your partner talks about this one time they had wild monkey sex five times a day on vacation to a place they now want to take you, sure they are being honest, but a lot of people would not feel comfortable with that.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> What are your thoughts of when women talk "amongst themselves" about their sexual escapades then? I haven't known a lot of women who didn't share the "gory details" with their best friend.
> .


I don't discuss stuff in detail with my girlfriends, nor do they with me. In fact apart from at school I don't know anyone who shares all the gory details with her best friend. The furthest it would go is "Did you shag him?" *giggle* "Yes" *giggle* "Was it good?" *giggle* "Yes" *giggle* "Guess what? I've seen a gorgeous pair of shoes in that new shop down the road..."

Maybe it's a Brit thing.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Oh I get the full "unedited" version. I know the guy before me that knocked her socks off sexually. He was a jerk in OTHER areas to her, but not in the bedroom, or office stall or other places LOL. My wife doesn't have the mental ability to "shade" her answers and I love that about her. Sometimes she has ZERO tact on issues at home, but I'd rather deal with the unadulterated truth and have the full issue in front of me than to have a shaded truth but never truly know what the issue is.
> 
> So yes, I do get tons of affirmation, but I also don't get any misperceptions. I'm glad my wife had great, bad, awkward and experimental sexual experiences. She entered into our relationship with a better understanding of what she likes and what she doesn't.
> 
> ...


I'll reitierate again, most of the time it has nothing at all to do with confidence or insecurity, and I wish people would stop throwing that out there like they are somehow better in their relationship. It comes down to what mental images they can tolerate. Someone who is afrad of heights is not necessarily less confident than someone who isn't. Someone who throws up at the smell of fsh is no less than someone who doesn't. Someone who doesn't want to hear about their wife getting pounded in the dressing room at the mall isn't any less confident.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

In setting opposite sex friend ("OSF") martial boundaries, it is very common to have a boundary against having an OSF that you have ever had a romantic relationship with. You would thus want to know about who all of your wife's past sexual partners were, without having to know graphic details about sexual acts.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I'll reitierate again, most of the time it has nothing at all to do with confidence or insecurity, and I wish people would stop throwing that out there like they are somehow better in their relationship. It comes down to what mental images they can tolerate. Someone who is afrad of heights is not necessarily less confident than someone who isn't. Someone who throws up at the smell of fsh is no less than someone who doesn't. Someone who doesn't want to hear about their wife getting pounded in the dressing room at the mall isn't any less confident.


Sam, I truly value all of your posts. I can't think of one time I've disagreed with you in other threads frankly. You and I seem to have followed a similar path from what I know of your history. Bad first marriage, learning from it, then finding someone who fits us incredibly well etc (obviously extreme cliff notes there LOL).

By NO MEANS am I saying I'm better or I have a better relationship than someone else when I use the word confidence. I'm not comparing myself to anyone else. I'm speaking about me and my situation ONLY. I (me, noone else and it's not a judgement on anyone else) am able to have these types of conversations with my wife, in part because I'm EXTREMELY confident in my marriage and relationship with her. Period, end of story. 

There's no judgement of others there. In fact I have fully and will fully admit to say that there are other people out there who are just as confident in their marriage and WOULDN'T and COULDN'T have the same conversations.

I've said many times that it's a different strokes for different folks type of situation. When push comes to shove this is a site where many different people get together and share their experiences and viewpoints. Some will mesh and some won't and it's up to the individual to find ones what work with them to help them get through their particular issue. I'm simply expressing my situation and beliefs about my marriage with my wife.

But I will ask that you trust in the fact that my wife talks to me with all details. I know her great lovers and great experiences. I'm just not bothered by them. I'm actually happy for her. I guess the best analogy I can give is it falls into the same mentality....FOR ME..as if I was going to die soon. I'd want her to find someone who could love her properly and give her great sex again. The thought of that wouldn't bother me....unless I hadn't died yet LOL, but that's a different issue.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> By NO MEANS am I saying I'm better or I have a better relationship than someone else when I use the word confidence. I'm not comparing myself to anyone else. I'm speaking about me and my situation ONLY. I (me, noone else and it's not a judgement on anyone else) am able to have these types of conversations with my wife, in part because I'm EXTREMELY confident in my marriage and relationship with her. Period, end of story.
> 
> There's no judgement of others there. In fact I have fully and will fully admit to say that there are other people out there who are just as confident in their marriage and WOULDN'T and COULDN'T have the same conversations.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I'm not saying others aren't as confident either. Hope it doesn't come across that way. I'm applying confidence to MYSELF and MY relationship. Like you and your wife, neither one of us has a super promiscuous past, so we're talking very low numbers of "others" and they all live in other states where we're not likely to run into them again. Plus, the intimate life my husband and I have is far better than anything we did in college. All of those factors make it easier to talk about the past in detail.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Now if your partner talks about this one time they had wild monkey sex five times a day on vacation to a place they now want to take you, sure they are being honest, but a lot of people would not feel comfortable with that.


...which is precisely why I'll never go to Hawaii.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I'm not saying others aren't as confident either. Hope it doesn't come across that way. I'm applying confidence to MYSELF and MY relationship. Like you and your wife, neither one of us has a super promiscuous past, so we're talking very low numbers of "others" and they all live in other states where we're not likely to run into them again. Plus, the intimate life my husband and I have is far better than anything we did in college. *All of those factors make it easier to talk about the past in detail*.


First off, I know I am my STBW's best by a LONG shot, in every way. No questions there at all.

We do have very different backgrounds. She has had somewhere in the thirties partners. I have had three including her. One is my ex-wife, and the other died. So there is no chance of meeting a past lover other than my ex-wife, but that's a whole different story. Her on the other hand, we are living in the same area where she grew up so we are around her past partners. I already know more details than I truly feel comfortable with, but they were details of necessity. I think that given the situation and location, knowing more details, unnecessary details would drive me crazy, and I have a feeling that others would feel the same way if they were in my situation.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> ...which is precisely why I'll never go to Hawaii.


And why when we go to Vegas to get married, there are certain hotels I refuse to set foot in...not going to honeymoon in the same hotel she was at with her ex-husband.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> First off, I know I am my STBW's best by a LONG shot, in every way. No questions there at all.
> 
> We do have very different backgrounds. She has had somewhere in the thirties partners. I have had three including her. One is my ex-wife, and the other died. So there is no chance of meeting a past lover other than my ex-wife, but that's a whole different story. Her on the other hand, we are living in the same area where she grew up so we are around her past partners. I already know more details than I truly feel comfortable with, but they were details of necessity. I think that given the situation and location, knowing more details, unnecessary details would drive me crazy, and I have a feeling that others would feel the same way if they were in my situation.


I've had about three times the lovers W has had. We're currently living where Ive been for the last 30+ years. The chances of her meeting one is still pretty low, but she still doesn't want to go to the lake, etc. in case one is there. I never run into them! 

The thing is, we're planning on moving back to her home town in a few years. So wait a minute hon, living here isn't OK because of my past, but living there IS ok because of your past? OK....

Thing is for me, I don't care about her past, other than OM. So it doesn't bother me as much as my past bothers her. I don't quite understand that.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> But I will ask that you trust in the fact that my wife talks to me with all details. I know her great lovers and great experiences. I'm just not bothered by them. I'm actually happy for her. I guess the best analogy I can give is it falls into the same mentality....FOR ME..as if I was going to die soon. I'd want her to find someone who could love her properly and give her great sex again. The thought of that wouldn't bother me....unless I hadn't died yet LOL, but that's a different issue.


I am also extremely confident in my marriage. I have absolutely no doubt that she is, and has been, completely faithful. That being said, I do not know very many details of her past relationships/sexual encounters. We've had pretty basic conversations, but not in depth to the point I feel as though I was there. And I sure as sh!t don't want to ask who was good in the sack, and how and why. That's something I don't think I would handle very well, in spite of being very secure in my marriage.

Am I the best she's ever had? Don't know. Won't ask. It's a loaded question. If she says yes, I'd be skeptical that she's answering in order to placate my ego. And if she says no, well, then there goes whatever bit of ego I do have. I will just be content that she heaps praise on my lovemaking technique and is always more than satisfied.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> First off, I know I am my STBW's best by a LONG shot, in every way. No questions there at all.
> 
> We do have very different backgrounds. She has had somewhere in the thirties partners. I have had three including her. One is my ex-wife, and the other died. So there is no chance of meeting a past lover other than my ex-wife, but that's a whole different story. Her on the other hand, we are living in the same area where she grew up so we are around her past partners. I already know more details than I truly feel comfortable with, but they were details of necessity. I think that given the situation and location, knowing more details, unnecessary details would drive me crazy, and I have a feeling that others would feel the same way if they were in my situation.


Definitely no argument. I don't know how I'd be if my wife had 30 some odd partners and they all (or most) lived nearby. That dynamic could change how I feel.

My wife has had 9 and I've had 4. The only one close by is my ex-wife and as you say "that's a whole different story". LOL

We're all different with different stories which allows us to process things differently.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> I see the title and I think that maybe this is a rhetorical question.
> 
> I see so many threads from posters who are struggling with the knowledge they have gained about their SO's sexual past and I wonder why why why does it even matter?
> 
> ...


I'm with you sparkyjim, unless my spouse was a paid man *****, I can careless, he is mine now.

I do think men seem to have a harder time with a woman's past then vise versa.

My husband and I just had a talk about how many partners I had, I guess he forgot over the 24 years. I was trying to remember each one and I said its not more than 2 hands and smiled.

He said wow I forgot, I have only been with 4 and named them. I laughed and said yeah right, I started naming off women that he had been with that I actually knew but didn't know him at the time. and came up with 4 additional women. 

He said oh, I forgot about them. I'm not sure why people put such a large bearing on this, everyone has a past. I know the religious aspect is important to some and remaining a virgin. 

I was raised devout catholic it didn't stop me from sexual experimentation, if anything it pushed me toward it, being told you cant and you better not is the same thing as saying, go for it and have fun.

love the one your with and accept they have a past.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

learning to love myself said:


> I'm with you sparkyjim, unless my spouse was a paid man *****, I can careless, he is mine now.
> 
> I do think men seem to have a harder time with a woman's past then vise versa.
> 
> ...


I think most of us are OK with the fact that our partners had a past, and really, don't give it a second thought. The divergence in feelings on this issue comes in at how detailed one should get. We have posters here who are fine with every little moan and wiggle, and others who don't even want to know general numbers, and everything in between. There is nothing wrong with how anyone feels about that, but it does seem this is another way couples need to be on the same page. Not necessarily feel the same way, but respect how their partner feels.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

In essence, the majority of couples already know their spouse's sexual past just due to the way she reacts behind closed doors. With he/she telling you, based on what she is willing to do/techniques/etc. you can already assume that they were either a wild child or not. Quite frankly, if your wife liked anal before you 10 years ago and doesn't anymore.. well guess what.. it looks like you missed out on the ride. Some people cannot take hearing that whereas others can. It is extremely subjective. If you are the jealous/sensitive type.. your spouse's past details may haunt you so you are better off keeping your mouth shut.

There is no right or wrong answer to this. When I was single, I was with plenty of women. I was a late bloomer and went crazy after finally losing the v-card. Prior to meeting my girl, I was hooking up with a girl who never did the whole 'sleeping around' thing or CLAIMS not to. However, I believed her because her oral skills were lame. On the flip side, my girl's oral skills was like no other and its easy to put it all together in most circumstances.. I wonder why she is so good at this??? I wasn't curious.. 

..I could already tell she had a past and all I know is that I am the one who gets to enjoy her past for as long as we make it.

There shouldn't be a rule to this. Curious people will always be curious and quiet people will always be quiet. You find the one who completes you. 

Plus, there is the old saying. Girls will say 2 or 3 to make them look like a lady and guys will say 20 to make them look like studs. Lol.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

wise said:


> In essence, the majority of couples already know their spouse's sexual past just due to the way she reacts behind closed doors. With he/she telling you, based on what she is willing to do/techniques/etc. you can already assume that they were either a wild child or not. Quite frankly, if your wife liked anal before you 10 years ago and doesn't anymore.. well guess what.. it looks like you missed out on the ride. Some people cannot take hearing that whereas others can. It is extremely subjective. If you are the jealous/sensitive type.. your spouse's past details may haunt you so you are better off keeping your mouth shut.
> 
> There is no right or wrong answer to this. When I was single, I was with plenty of women. I was a late bloomer and went crazy after finally losing the v-card. Prior to meeting my girl, I was hooking up with a girl who never did the whole 'sleeping around' thing or CLAIMS not to. However, I believed her because her oral skills were lame. On the flip side, my girl's oral skills was like no other and its easy to put it all together in most circumstances.. I wonder why she is so good at this??? I wasn't curious..
> 
> ...


The funny thing is, I'm the one who said 2 and my STBW said 30 something...and we both told the truth, and still love and respect each other. Go figure...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Pretty simple really. It's communication 101. Trust I will accept you for who you are and who you've been, otherwise lie about it and accept that we're less than we can be.

Double standard aside, we can't read minds. We can (and should) date long enough to know the person we're with before marriage but at some point there's still an expectation that our partner knows to mention anything that's just flat out crazy from their past. I chose to be direct and ask..... is there anything flat out crazy from your past that I should know about honey? 

I understand why women wouldn't want pursue this subject. There's a negative attached to their past and a positive attached to ours (so it seems... don't blame me for noticing it). So don't ask, don't tell makes a lot of sense to the ladies. And it's pretty easy for us guys to ask about it for the same reasons. Women are judged for it while we are not.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." - Walter Scott


Observation supersedes understanding. Tangled webs aren't so hard to see after years of observation.

Edit: What I meant is if we put what we "observe" about people above what we understand and above wishful thinking then we're a lot less vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Tangled webs are hard to see if our eyes are closed but not as hard if we pay attention.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I would imagine that a very fun sex life within a marriage might minimize a husband's interest in discussing with her the details of her past sexual life. Whereas difficulties and mismatches in their sex life would prompt him to want to explore how things went with other people.....just generally speaking

I tend to think that a person's sexual history can indicate some important things about their personality. I agree though that that such assessments can sometimes be unfair. I come from a "sexual purity" type background. Saving myself until marriage. Life experience though has me conclude that people need to interact sexually and in fact live together before they can be confident that marriage will be a good bet. Too much mystery and unfounded hope,otherwise.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

> I understand why women wouldn't want pursue this subject. There's a negative attached to their past and a positive attached to ours (so it seems... don't blame me for noticing it). So don't ask, don't tell makes a lot of sense to the ladies. And it's pretty easy for us guys to ask about it for the same reasons. Women are judged for it while we are not.


:iagree:
I think it is 10 times more of a touchy discussion for women than it is men. Many women have been in pretty bad relationships with the 'bad boy' in high school / college which woke them up and they grew from it to finally meet a nice guy who can still be stern when need be.. but ultimately.. nice.

My aunt worked with teens--very much so with girls ages 16-24--and what I collected from her was that girls like bad boys and they don't realize how bad they are until they are completely in love with them. Girls will do just about anything to please these guys regardless if the girl enjoys it or not. Eventually, it takes a couple of these guys until it finally hits them that hey--I'm not a piece of ass and I deserve better.

And then in some cases on here, the nice guy that married her who really never pushes her to do things she doesn't like pops the question about her past. Now, she either has to lie or tell him in hopes that he won't flip out that she did anal, bj, faciel, etc etc (did not care for it) but did it anyway because that was her idea of pleasing someone then whereas it's different now. 

Women normally have a pretty good idea of what there man was doing just based on him telling her if he was single or not. There is not even a need for a guy to tell his history.. for most men.. you can just imagine what the normal average guy did in his early years.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

wise said:


> :iagree:
> I think it is 10 times more of a touchy discussion for women than it is men. Many women have been in pretty bad relationships with the 'bad boy' in high school / college which woke them up and they grew from it to finally meet a nice guy who can still be stern when need be.. but ultimately.. nice.
> 
> *My aunt worked with teens--very much so with girls ages 16-24--and what I collected from her was that girls like bad boys and they don't realize how bad they are until they are completely in love with them.* Girls will do just about anything to please these guys regardless if the girl enjoys it or not. Eventually, it takes a couple of these guys until it finally hits them that hey--I'm not a piece of ass and I deserve better.
> ...


wise:
see what I bolded above. were the girls your aunt worked with labeled as 'troubled' or categorized as 'at risk' or as from an 'at risk population'.....or something like that?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

A desire for drama, perhaps? A desire to get an ego-boost that goes wrong?

There's been a few threads recently by men who have completely screwed up otherwise good marriages, due to insecure that their wives had had sex with other men before they got married. One guys was 20 years and 4 kids into a relationship and is literally destroying it because he can't get his ego in check. She's now somehow damaged goods. 

F*cking idiots. Life is difficult enough without manufacturing problems that weren't there.

I personally view this as abuse. Why on earth would you choose to destroy someone you "love" over events that happened before you were involved with them?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

seeking sanity said:


> A desire for drama, perhaps? A desire to get an ego-boost that goes wrong?
> 
> There's been a few threads recently by men who have completely screwed up otherwise good marriages, due to insecure that their wives had had sex with other men before they got married. One guys was 20 years and 4 kids into a relationship and is literally destroying it because he can't get his ego in check. She's now somehow damaged goods.
> 
> ...


You are misrepresenting the core basis of that thread. The wife lied about being raped in order to justify not being a virgin, and maintained the life for twenty years, and the husband was understandably shocked to learn that what he believed was false, and he found out from the alleged rapist no less.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

wise said:


> In essence, the majority of couples already know their spouse's sexual past just due to the way she reacts behind closed doors. With he/she telling you, based on what she is willing to do/techniques/etc. you can already assume that they were either a wild child or not. Quite frankly, if your wife liked anal before you 10 years ago and doesn't anymore.. well guess what.. it looks like you missed out on the ride. Some people cannot take hearing that whereas others can. It is extremely subjective. If you are the jealous/sensitive type.. your spouse's past details may haunt you so you are better off keeping your mouth shut.
> 
> There is no right or wrong answer to this. When I was single, I was with plenty of women. I was a late bloomer and went crazy after finally losing the v-card. Prior to meeting my girl, I was hooking up with a girl who never did the whole 'sleeping around' thing or CLAIMS not to. However, I believed her because her oral skills were lame. On the flip side, my girl's oral skills was like no other and its easy to put it all together in most circumstances.. I wonder why she is so good at this??? I wasn't curious..
> 
> ...


my wife is very fortunate that I was her first and only. what I mean is (STOP.....don't post a reply to that sentence until I explain what I mean. I beg you! :lol that if there had been even one other sexual partner in her past I would eventually need to know everything. absolutely everything....wouldn't be able to stop myself. am just that kind of person. very curious guy. and if I thought there might be some things I'd rather not know.......well then that would make me even more curious about knowing them 

there's a bit of catch 22 in all of this. True intimacy (to me) means willingness to open oneself up completely to the other person......including vulnerabilities, things you're ashamed of etc. In that sense, if the marriage is good, both people would eventually want to know everything about the other. seems to me.......


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> wise:
> see what I bolded above. were the girls your aunt worked with labeled as 'troubled' or categorized as 'at risk' or as from an 'at risk population'.....or something like that?


I was one of those girls, I was extremely attracted to the bad boy, I think part of that was that No Good Boy ever picked up on me. 

I came from a good old fashion upbringing, however I had very low self esteem and I would do anything that was asked of me by the much older boys I went out with. I also think it depends on what happened in the girls life. 

In my own life I was molested by a family member when I was young and my parents only found out about this after I was married with my own children, I do believe that these thing put a skewed idea on what we allow to happen to us at a young age.

My sister remained a virgin until 22, (then all hell broke loose) that's another story.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

seeking sanity said:


> A desire for drama, perhaps? A desire to get an ego-boost that goes wrong?
> 
> There's been a few threads recently by men who have completely screwed up otherwise good marriages, due to insecure that their wives had had sex with other men before they got married. One guys was 20 years and 4 kids into a relationship and is literally destroying it because he can't get his ego in check. She's now somehow damaged goods.
> 
> ...


seeking sanity, I can see where some of the extreme comments in those types of threads are too harsh. There is however a common issue that has little to do with the actual history. The surprise of learning they've been deceived is what brings out the insecurity. Probably very similar to how women feel when the guy they're with who's always said he would never watch porn gets caught watching it.

And really the thread I've participated in recently is new. This guy came in a week ago with raw emotion and has already toned down a bunch.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> True intimacy (to me) means willingness to open oneself up completely to the other person......including vulnerabilities, things you're ashamed of etc. In that sense, if the marriage is good, both people would eventually want to know everything about the other. seems to me.......


I don't care to know a lot of things but I do hope every subject is on the table. I'm sure there's things my wife could ask me about that would give me a "deer in the headlights" feeling too but she has every bit of me. Some of the most intimate moments in a relationship are the ones where vulnerability and trust are required. 

Of course harping on the same same stuff over and over would get old very quick too. I can understand where this is a problem for "can't let it go" types.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

nuclearnightmare said:


> my wife is very fortunate that I was her first and only. what I mean is (STOP.....don't post a reply to that sentence until I explain what I mean. I beg you! :lol that* if there had been even one other sexual partner in her past I would eventually need to know everything. absolutely everything....wouldn't be able to stop myself. am just that kind of person. very curious guy. and if I thought there might be some things I'd rather not know.......well then that would make me even more curious about knowing them*


 I had to laugh reading this.. you sound just like *me.*. I wouldn't say I am insecure at all.. but curious.. over topping the scales [email protected]# When I am with someone .. I want to share it ALL.. nothing held back... .I'd dig for the details...I'd have to assure him I wouldn't cause issues over it..or get all crazy jealous... probably try to pull them out of him in a flirtatious way of guessing what he's done ....I can only imagine here.... so he'd be comfortable sharing ... even if I was a little jealous, I'd still press to hear it ...I know me...and I'd willingly be OPEN from my end....if he wanted this...(more on that below)



> *there's a bit of catch 22 in all of this. True intimacy (to me) means willingness to open oneself up completely to the other person......including vulnerabilities, things you're ashamed of etc. In that sense, if the marriage is good, both people would eventually want to know everything about the other. seems to me.....*..


 Again, I think just like you..... had we had a Past ... I'd eventually want to go here.. feeling the freedom to share all.. .the same way Dad&Hubby & his wife talk openly..



Dad&Hubby said:


> *I know more of my wife's "details" than her best friend. We talk about our sexual pasts because we're confident and secure with our current, and lets be honest, PEOPLE LOVE TALKING ABOUT SEX.*


 No better topic under the sun.....I relate to this sort of profound ease & freedom with someone you love/ Best friends/ intertwined soul mates.... being able to laugh about where we've been / crazy experiences , the foolish, the ridiculous, what we may regret, our highs, our lows......my personality is geared *this way* ...to want to know & share these things....

Though in the same breathe...being the Romantic I am... those 1sts having great meaning ...I will admit this would have a sadness for me, some STING.....yet I'd still press for the details...... If I couldn't reach this WITH a partner, I would think something was amiss. 

But That's ME... my husband , however, would NOT want to hear all of that (he is geared more like Samyeagar)... Just cause we haven't experienced these things - we still talk ...very openly -- as if we had a different scenario on our past...how it might have played out for us.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I certainly don't want intimate details of my SO's sexual past and wouldn't be happy if he started digging around for details of mine. I would want to know if he'd had a high number of previous sex partners, but that's about all.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

nuclearnightmare said:


> my wife is very fortunate that I was her first and only. what I mean is (STOP.....don't post a reply to that sentence until I explain what I mean. I beg you! :lol that if there had been even one other sexual partner in her past I would eventually need to know everything. absolutely everything....wouldn't be able to stop myself. am just that kind of person. very curious guy. and if I thought there might be some things I'd rather not know.......well then that would make me even more curious about knowing them
> 
> there's a bit of catch 22 in all of this. True intimacy (to me) means willingness to open oneself up completely to the other person......including vulnerabilities, things you're ashamed of etc. In that sense, if the marriage is good, both people would eventually want to know everything about the other. seems to me.......


:iagree::iagree:
Yep, that's me too. I (think) I know everything my wife has done prior to me. I'd not want her to hide what she's done.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I don't care about a partner's sexual past.

However, if someone I'm with said she had a 3some before, used to be in the swinging lifestyle, or multiple partners, then that wouldn't sit well with me. I don't want anyone that at one point didn't think sex with just one person wasn't enough for them, or felt the had to live out that fantasy. Because I would end up wondering what other fantasy she'd want to fulfill that I wouldn't be to happy with.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> Yep, that's me too. I (think) I know everything my wife has done prior to me. I'd not want her to hide what she's done.


Would you want to be in the room with one of her ex's she did it with and be the only one who doesn't know?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> I see the title and I think that maybe this is a rhetorical question.
> 
> I see so many threads from posters who are struggling with the knowledge they have gained about their SO's sexual past and I wonder why why why does it even matter?
> 
> ...


Everyone has a past history. The key word is "past".

Not as is she had an affair on you.

Though usually best to let sleeping dogs lie.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> And there it is. Similar doesn't usually matter. When there is great difference, it matters. It matters because, something like a bunch of guys walking up to her and hugging her because of their intimate past, which the present inexperienced husband has no knowledge of how to handle, because of his inexperience, places doubt and seeds of mistrust in his mind.


No a great difference does not matter. Whether one or one hundred.

What matters is that past lovers are to be cut out of her life forever. To accept a hug or kiss on the check is wrong no matter what the number of past lovers.

If the rare instant where a wife dated the son of close friends of her parents. And that family is still invited to many family functions. That wife should tell her parents to invite your friends is one thing though not to invite their son.

Then if the son is still on the guest list that wife must tell her husband about her past with that son.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I don't think discomfort with details is a sign of insecurity at all, and it is kind of pretentious to imply that it is somehow the moral high ground if you don't feel discomfort.
> 
> Several posters here have hit on the real issue behind knowing about your partners past. Being in the know so you don't walk into that room where everybody knows that the two guys over there tagg teamed your wife while you are blissfully unaware.
> 
> My STBW and I live in the same area where she has spent her whole life. She has a pretty extensive past, the vast majority of it happened when she was young, twenty years ago, but we still run into men she's been with, and she has been very forthcoming with me if she thinks we will be in a situation where I should know, so I am never blindsided. The only details she has given are ones that are important to me, and she has a very good grasp on what I consider important so we are on the same page. She on the other hand will not meet any other partners of mine other than my ex wife, because there was only one other, and she is dead.


This is the best way for a wife act. Giving her husband the heads up. Not letting those guy's have their little inside joke.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Cletus said:


> I would. In technicolor and Dolby surround, if available.


What no wide screen, no letter box, no 16:9.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> As an example of the second: A woman can do things with a non-serious fling that she has trouble with in a long term relationship. Things like outdoor sex.


No she can still fool around out doors with her husband.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Double standards. Manipulation. Lies. Control issues. Tough to have a good sex life with your husband if you can't talk about what you like. Makes sense a weak woman would go outside the marriage for sexual satisfaction when she thinks her husband is too good for a woman like her. Maybe honesty prior to the marriage would help? I don't know. It's something to think about. Iv'e learned quite a bit about things, just in this thread. Thanks.


There is no double standard. All a wife has to say is I would like you to do It this Way.

No need to go on about how she learned about this from relationship #2. That out of 20 BF's #7 was the best ever at it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My hb has a more extensive past than me, and I accept that. I have no desire for details though, and I have no desire to share mine. .I think part of this is my philosophy of needing to put the past fully behind before you can move forward, and revisiting the past to me serves little purpose except to keep you there. Perhaps this is a survival mechanism from my csa, but it is what it is.

My hb used to have the worst habit of offering details of his past I didn't ask for or want. However, he never asked about mine, suggesting to me that it wasn't really about intimacy. I won't get into what it was here, just that I put a stop to it and he doesn't do it anymore. I think that it's important to examine the motivations for sharing, and to make sure you're on the same page when you do. Don't assume your partners feels like you....Can't unring that bell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> The only real interest I have in my W's sexual past is what she did with the OM.
> 
> And frankly that disgusts me.


That was not you in your WW PAST. As in Before Husband. Rather as CURRENT when she made you a Betrayed Husband.

Normal for a BH to need to know all.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> And I knew this about myself before I married the second time and asked about types of relationships, whether she was a party girl, etc. What was lacking was TRUTH from her. The same damn thing we're talking about here. I didn't ask if some guy spooged all over her and how many times and who it was when where. I asked in general. That's an effin' out an out lie I don'tcare what anyone thinks. You want to turn this around onto the victim? Find another.
> 
> There are ways to be honest. She didn't even give us a chance, at our own personal happiness because of her LIES. It was totally selfish and unloving. It would be better to be honest without too many details in the beginning, if she truly wanted to find happiness and longevity in a relationship/marriage. I hope that helps you understand.


This lack of information on your wife's past was all your fault.

By you asking open ended, weak, vague, questions that can be answered in the same manner as you asked them.

Clinton said I did not have sex with that woman.

When asking a wife were you a party girl. She said yes I went to lots of parties.

Party girl is a very wide label. It can go to the extreme where yes she was a party girl. She banged half of her high school graduating class and she only did half because she was not Bi.

Until college. Where she did the whole graduating class. For four years straight.

Was not a straight A student but a great lay student.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Yep, you are correct. I didn't want to offend her. I don't have much of that issue here, though. I offend lots of folks.
> 
> It is a lesson I have learned. IRL, at my crappy job, I've taken to calling out liars, asking tough questions, and doing my best to accept the tough answers those questions require. So, it may have also been, "I didn't want to know the truth because it might make me tell her, next." I do take that into consideration. And, those are my fault, just like you said.
> 
> Thank you. You made me think.


Some times that past just includes TOO MUCH and too indescriminate. There are people like that. And if they didn't bang the entire class, they may have done 20% of it or more, year after year after year, because that's how they are.

Boy...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Well I guess the simple answer would be I wouldn't. I would expect to know all I needed to know *BEFORE* I married her. It's interesting how people vary on this. I want to know a lot about my partners sexual past......her number, did she ever cheat, kinkiest things she did. To ME I couldn't live without that knowledge. If she wouldn't tell me I would wonder why.....what's she hiding. If I am to ever marry again I would want to know everything about my wife and I would hope she would want to know everything about me.

I understand that people are different and some don't want to know. That's ok. To each their own.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I got that impression a couple of times from men. I also got that from the fact that she had no women friends to hang out with and go shopping or to the movies or something like that. I kept wondering more and more about why. I just don't know for sure, though. I didn't know her. I think we hung out in different circles, even though, she graduated the same year as I did from a high school that was about 3 or maybe 4 miles from mine.
> 
> We lived in a radius of about ten to fifteen miles of each other. I never knew she existed. Odd........


Did you "lose" this particular woman or is it your current wife or long term relation partner?

I just wouldnt be too happy knowing that many men in a small radius are comfortable with her in that way.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> It was x2. There have been none, since. That's a long time without. It's been since June 3, 2011. Yeah, I was hurt that bad.


I hope you are out of that geographical region. And if you don't live outside of it, at least looking for women outside of it, or perhaps women who are good women who don't necessarily like your X, because perhaps she banged their man.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Nope. Still live in the area.


Not that I'm prying, but what part of PA?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Nope. Still live in the area. Don't have the ability to move. Can't afford it. I'm stuck for a while. I know it would be best to move. I'm probably not going to move.
> 
> I don't look for any women. Maybe some day. Maybe not. I don't know yet. Had two from where I used to work try with me, just a little. I turned them down.
> 
> ...


You can't afford to worry about if it is a "catch" today. You need to be having sex and affections, even if it is some temporary friends with benefits situations. Put yourself out there. 

It's the only way out of these ruts.

You know less sophisticated men would say "in your situation, you just need to go out and get some pu$$y, any pu$$y is better than none"


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Well, one was too soon. She was bisexual and actually, I really like her, but I wasn't anywhere near ready for a woman at the time.
> 
> The next was like a stalker and made phone calls over a long period of time and never said who she was until I got sick of it and talked with her a little. By then, I had no desire to be with her. Besides, I remember her telling me she had Hep C, so, I didn't want to go there anyway, even if she was lying about that at the time.
> 
> ...


You don't have to be with them, just have sex. It will give you additional opportunities as you realize it's not a big deal.

Have sex with them, tell them your not getting into anything serious and you are talking to others too.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Other things have to change first. I'm not ready. I don't want just any woman. I can't deal with that. It's likely I wouldn't be able to perform if I tried with just any woman. Any I've thought were attractive, just from their looks, would not be interested in me. I don't make enough money and don't have the status needed, or the personality.
> 
> Besides, I still have a tough time trusting. How could I trust that much, to take my clothes off and have sex with someone, sharing the most intimate parts of me, my body, mind, heart, and soul? The realization that it was just for sex, would likely harm me more.


Are you a man?

If you are a man all that love and compassion sounds great in practice. The world will open up to you once you get your **** wet. Can't you just do that and don't make it anything more than it is.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is the disconnect.

I think the question isn't 'who did you sleep with' but actually is 'what have you done in the past which is questionable and I should worry about'.

And frankly, sex IS one of those issues. "Yeah, I was a punch board for a local biker gang, but after they all got busted in a big sting, I got on with my life' DOES have sex as PART of the issue.

Problem is, the stuff you REALLY want to know, the other person has the most motive to hide or lie about.

And like so many other things in life, one wants to question the other person's judgment. Jobs and family are usually answered in a straightforward way.

Sex...less so.

Plus sex is fun to talk about.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Never did that in the thirty-five years since I've been having sex. I have to think about it. Thanks for your thoughts.


I found myself in the same mental thoughts. After having a "love" relation or at least one that I thought was love blow up on me.

I was stuck on I have to really like her, and love her, etc. Then I found a friend who wanted to give me some, it made a world of difference.

And by the way, for men... When you get pu$$y your gettin pu$$y from elsewere, it's about being in demand.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JCD said:


> Here is the disconnect.
> 
> I think the question isn't 'who did you sleep with' but actually is 'what have you done in the past which is questionable and I should worry about'.
> 
> ...


As a young person, I knew nothing about red flags. I had some ideas that a big number would be bad, and a history of petty crime would be bad. But I had no idea what to really look for.

She also did a really good job of hiding what she knew I would not be able to deal with. Like at age 15 and 16 she was dating/screwing men who were 4+ years older than her. She was in some kind of virginity taking group, which boasted when they slept with a virgin. There are hints and indications she was a bit of a party girl as a teen.

The things I would want to know about a woman who is a candidate to be a serious long term partner would be different than when I was in college. But would one expect to get truthful answers about infidelity, finances, honesty, or other important issues to a 50+ yr old?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Thor said:


> The things I would want to know about a woman who is a candidate to be a serious long term partner would be different than when I was in college. But would one expect to get truthful answers about infidelity, finances, honesty, or other important issues to a 50+ yr old?


I am unsure what the question is referring to.

If the question is: 'Should I expect my wife of the last 30 years to suddenly come clean about her sordid past' the answer is probably no. She will instead point to her resume of 30 good years and say "THAT is what you need to have faith in'.

This is not a point without merit.

If you are talking about a NEW relationship with a 50 year old person, the answer is probably what you hear on TAM from the women "I have the right to NOT tell you whatever I want to about my past."

This is fine, but the biggest issue they have with this attitude (and it IS 'attitude') is they don't want to live with the consequences of this secrecy. You, as the prospective swain, should see they are SO DAMNED WONDERFUL that whatever they did in the past is pointless. They want to live a life of _tabula rasa_, never having to explain, regret, or own their past actions beyond what they personally decide to pay.

Humans are curious animals however...

And one wonders if they accept the same ultimatums from their SOs. Does the stone walling begin before or after the other partner has spilled their guts? Which makes the relationship even more one sided.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JCD said:


> I am unsure what the question is referring to.
> 
> If the question is: 'Should I expect my wife of the last 30 years to suddenly come clean about her sordid past' the answer is probably no. She will instead point to her resume of 30 good years and say "THAT is what you need to have faith in'.
> 
> This is not a point without merit.


In our case the 30 years have not been good. Had I known then what I know now, and had I known what else is probably there but hasn't been revealed to me yet, it would have been predictable that we would have a bad marriage.

She strategically deceived me on some specific points which completely changed the nature of the story. 

If someone makes a single uncharacteristic mistake it does not define their future. For example a ONS does not predict anything, but if there is a string of ONS or a history of screwing the entire football team then yes it does indicate probable future events.

And everything in between, too. If a person has a few long term relationships, it speaks to her preference and capability for long term relationships. And that is where the ONS is an outlier and so becomes a non-issue.

As we see on TAM so often, the later discovery of a lie to hide the ONS destroys trust. If there is a pattern of deceptions or lies it can be unrecoverable.



JCD said:


> If you are talking about a NEW relationship with a 50 year old person, the answer is probably what you hear on TAM from the women "I have the right to NOT tell you whatever I want to about my past."
> 
> This is fine, but the biggest issue they have with this attitude (and it IS 'attitude') is they don't want to live with the consequences of this secrecy. You, as the prospective swain, should see they are SO DAMNED WONDERFUL that whatever they did in the past is pointless. They want to live a life of _tabula rasa_, never having to explain, regret, or own their past actions beyond what they personally decide to pay.
> 
> ...


I have thought about that angle quite a bit. How can one ever come to trust another woman after learning how badly I was deceived? How does one coax truthful information out of a potential future mate? One could pretend infidelity is no big deal, and thus hope if she did cheat that she would reveal it. But then might she end the relationship because she thought I thought infidelity is ok?

I agree that there is a right to not disclose. But I believe there is an obligation to be fully honest in dealing with a romantic partner. Thus she can tell me she isn't going to tell me, and that is ok. I can make my decisions based on that. What I cannot abide is being lied to in order to manipulate my decisions.

Sex is important but so are finances, family histories, medical issues, children, employment history, criminal history, driving record, music preferences, etc.


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