# Contacted by exwife for dinner. Yes? No? HELP



## Tryingtobreath

Long story short: 
Me: 34
her: 30

My original posting: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64546-new-here-my-story.html

Total relationship length: 4.5 years
Married less than a year.

After about a year of marriage, she announced she wanted out. Unhappy, etc. Found out she had be involved in at least a EA with a MM in a different state. Had been going on prior to me proposing and all thru the marriage. Divorce was final in Dec 12. Only married for that short year. I treated her great, but apparently she couldn't control herself.

I haven't had communication with her since January. Just the other day, out of the blue she emails that she's going to be in town and wants to know if I want to get dinner.

I know she's still in contact with MM. I doubt she wants to get back together, nor would I. 

My brain says: F her! No dinner. She can rot in hell.
My heart says: I still love her and see this as a possiblity to get some answers of which I never got.

I basically found out all this thru her cell phone and all the calling going on through the past two years to MM. She even emailed him on our honeymoon how much she missed him.

She rug swept him of course and said JUST FRIENDs. I'm not an idiot.

THoughts?


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## PBear

Why get together? Why would you expect to get any more truth now than you did before?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid

I'd take the opportunity to get some answers. Just know that it will be painful.


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## vi_bride04

Don't do it. What good can come of it, especially if she is still involved with MM??? 

You will never get answers. And any answers you get will be lies more than likely. 

Please don't meet her, it will only leave you feeling mind f*cked after.


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## John2012

Tryingtobreath said:


> Long story short:
> Me: 34
> her: 30
> 
> Total relationship length: 4.5 years
> Married less than a year.
> 
> After about a year of marriage, she announced she wanted out. Unhappy, etc. Found out she had be involved in at least a EA with a MM in a different state. Had been going on prior to me proposing and all thru the marriage. Divorce was final in Dec 12. Only married for that short year. I treated her great, but apparently she couldn't control herself.
> 
> I haven't had communication with her since January. Just the other day, out of the blue she emails that she's going to be in town and wants to know if I want to get dinner.
> 
> I know she's still in contact with MM. I doubt she wants to get back together, nor would I.
> 
> My brain says: F her! No dinner. She can rot in hell.
> My heart says: I still love her and see this as a possiblity to get some answers of which I never got.
> 
> I basically found out all this thru her cell phone and all the calling going on through the past two years to MM. She even emailed him on our honeymoon how much she missed him.
> 
> She rug swept him of course and said JUST FRIENDs. I'm not an idiot.
> 
> THoughts?


Don't go.


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## Maneo

Based on what you have presented, I'd go with your brain and protect your heart.


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## southern wife

*She's just looking for a free dinner. Don't do it!*


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## barbados

NO !

Your brain is correct, your heart is wrong. And you will NEVER get whatever answers you THINK you are looking for at this point, and you DON'T NEED THEM !

You have moved on for the better. Keep it that way !


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## Juicer

Ok, going to spell this out very clearly:
She cheated on your honeymoon with this guy. The EA was active during your honeymoon. YOUR HONEYMOON! 

So, if she could do this during your honeymoon, (when you should be on your honeymoon phase) she can do this when she is dating you. 

Listen, I understand how you feel. Do I ever. 

But listen to me right now. 
NO!

She is dangerous. She is either looking for a free dinner, or to use your emotions to her advantage. Look nice, go out to dinner, and then sweep you up in her good lucks and play you. 

You may love her. 
But it is not returned. And that is why I am saying to NOT contact her. She doesn't love you, and has shown an ability to cheat and lie during a honeymoon. 

Don't open yourself up to get hurt again with this pathetic email. 

If she sent you an email, saying something along the lines of:
She royally messed up, is so sorry, still loves you, is so angry with herself, wants to make it up to you, is willing to wait, and will love you like you deserve it, then you would have people arguing on this thread. 
But because she was wanting to just go out to dinner, she is looking for a free meal.


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## badbane

Do whatever you want to do. There really is not right or wrong here. Yes she hurt you and I think that conversing with your ex atleast might help you get past feelings you have for her then again it could drum everything back up. But I can't be in your head to tell you this is a good idea or not. Hell she could be trying to lure you into bed. who knows all you have to do now is make the choice. Shunning your exwife won't make things better.
You have no attachments to this woman anymore other than your past. You don't plan on dating her, nor do you have any plans to get back with her. As long as you can keep your head on straight and not get tempted back into a relationship why not. LOL sleep with her and then don't ever call her back. Lets see how she likes that.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

badbane said:


> Do whatever you want to do. There really is not right or wrong here. Yes she hurt you and I think that conversing with your ex atleast might help you get past feelings you have for her then again it could drum everything back up. But I can't be in your head to tell you this is a good idea or not. Hell she could be trying to lure you into bed. who knows all you have to do now is make the choice. Shunning your exwife won't make things better.
> You have no attachments to this woman anymore other than your past. You don't plan on dating her, nor do you have any plans to get back with her. As long as you can keep your head on straight and not get tempted back into a relationship why not. LOL sleep with her and then don't ever call her back.


I disagree.

There is a right answer. And that is: DON'T DO IT!!

Make her dead to you.

If it wasn't for my kids, I would never see my ex's face again.

There'll be no closure at dinner. Instead, you will be engulfed in a sea of emotions and she will use that to her advantage.

Ask yourself, what does she want?

Definitely, not the same things that you want.

Don't get sucked back in. She was in contact with him on YOUR honeymoon for heaven's sake.


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## Numbersixxx

Listen to your brain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy

I would go. Better if it was a lunch, but go. My brother met his ex for lunch and she answered a lot of his questions. They met with neither of them having any expectation of even trying to get back together. More importantly, she admitted that he was a great husband and that it was all her fault. First time she showed real remorse and apologized. He never saw her again, and they have not been in contact since. It really help him heal.


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## Tryingtobreath

Thanks everyone for the advice. Mostly my family tells me the same.

My counselor who I saw today (who is excellent) says to go. She says the nightmare i'm living can't get much worse, and I can only MAYBE find a little more closure. 

I've lost about 35 pounds and look amazing right now. Have always lifted weights, but cutting down makes all the difference. Part of me wants to show her what she gave up. I know.. ego.. but you all know where i'm at.

I also never received an apology from her. Nothing. She basically just left and moved 1500 miles away. I was blindsided.


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## northland

Tryingtobreath said:


> I doubt she wants to get back together, nor would I.


I wonder about this statement. It sounds like you are in self denial.

If you really aren't looking to get back together then why would you even wonder if she wants to get back together?

Meeting her will set you back.

Nothing to be gained, you aren't going to get any answers, just forget it and move on with your life.


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## Juicer

Tryingtobreath said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice. Mostly my family tells me the same.
> 
> *My counselor who I saw today (who is excellent) says to go. She says the nightmare i'm living can't get much worse, and I can only MAYBE find a little more closure. *
> I've lost about 35 pounds and look amazing right now. Have always lifted weights, but cutting down makes all the difference. Part of me wants to show her what she gave up. I know.. ego.. but you all know where i'm at.
> 
> I also never received an apology from her. Nothing. She basically just left and moved 1500 miles away. I was blindsided.


Trust me. 

You think the nightmare can never get worse. 
But life can always disagree.

My 31st birthday involved a failing liver, hurting kidneys, and a fried endocrine system. But my mind was at least sane. 

Right now, coming up near my 32nd birthday in less than 2 months, I am still dealing with a scarred liver, my kidneys didn't full heal, and I feel like I am going insane. 

Trust me, the nightmare can ALWAYS get worse. Never think it can't.


But if you want to show her what she gave up, tell her to meet you for lunch. If she can't, tell her you got plans with your friends to go out to eat somewhere, but you can meet up for coffee or gelato or whatever after dinner. See what her response is. I understand, the ego needs to show off. I can never fault someone for that. Show her what she gave up, and let her see what she is missing out. 
But DON'T go for drinks. Alcohol and an Ex are NEVER a good mix.


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## BK23

Tryingtobreath said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice. Mostly my family tells me the same.
> 
> My counselor who I saw today (who is excellent) says to go. She says the nightmare i'm living can't get much worse, and I can only MAYBE find a little more closure.
> 
> I've lost about 35 pounds and look amazing right now. Have always lifted weights, but cutting down makes all the difference. Part of me wants to show her what she gave up. I know.. ego.. but you all know where i'm at.
> 
> I also never received an apology from her. Nothing. She basically just left and moved 1500 miles away. I was blindsided.


I think your therapist is off her rocker. You think you're still hurting? The wounds will completely re-open when you see this woman. Spare yourself the pain. Also take some satisfaction from that fact that you get to turn her down.


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## Tryingtobreath

I just wish I knew WHY she wanted to do dinner. Does she want to apologize? Is she indifferent about me and there really is no real reason? 

I thought about responding " unless there is something you feel you need to talk about, i'm not interested." 

This way maybe she will respond with "I want to apologize" or the like.


If you could bottle up all the insanity that comes from divorce/infidelity, and use it as a weapon, what a powerful device that would be.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

I just read your whole story. Thousands of calls, messages... - before and during your entire marriage? No apology? Read ALL your own threads again. Why would you ever ever want to be in her presence again? 

Also, if you still have not you really should have informed the OMW. She has a right to know about her philandering husband.


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## BK23

You probably feel differently, but after what she put you through--how could any apology come close to making you feel even the tiniest bit better? 

I was in a somewhat similar situation. Got an over-the-top, tear-stained email 6mos after she split. All it did was remind me of how hurt I was, and that just because she was "so so sorry" that didn't mean she wasn't happier with another guy(s). Only thing that worked was moving on and treating my time with her as a bad dream from which I thankfully awoke.


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## Juicer

Tryingtobreath said:


> I just wish I knew WHY she wanted to do dinner. Does she want to apologize? Is she indifferent about me and there really is no real reason?
> 
> I thought about responding " unless there is something you feel you need to talk about, i'm not interested."
> 
> This way maybe she will respond with "I want to apologize" or the like.
> 
> 
> If you could bottle up all the insanity that comes from divorce/infidelity, and use it as a weapon, what a powerful device that would be.


Then call her or email her, and ask, WHY she wants to go out to dinner. Why you should waste 45 minutes of your life with a cheating lying dirty wife, that stabbed him once. Why you should go somewhere you may not want to go, or spend your time with someone you may not like. 

You should probably be nicer than the way I put it, but you need to know what you are getting into. 
This is could be:
Her attempt at a free dinner
Her falling back on her plan B option since it didn't work with her AP...
Her attempt to say she is truly sorry and wants to make up for it 
Her trying to keep you on the back burner, but not letting you fully move on. Keeps you in limbo, and you in her back pocket. 


Find out what you are getting into BEFORE you agree to this man. You don't want old wounds to be reopened and rehashed.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

TRy said:


> I would go. Better if it was a lunch, but go. My brother met his ex for lunch and she answered a lot of his questions. They met with neither of them having any expectation of even trying to get back together. More importantly, she admitted that he was a great husband and that it was all her fault. First time she showed real remorse and apologized. He never saw her again, and they have not been in contact since. It really help him heal.


How much time elapsed before your brother met with his ex?

I think it is way too soon for his ex to have had an epiphany about how badly she treated him.


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## awake1

Go for a ONS. I know that might sound wrong, but hey, why not. You're single, she's single (?) 

Don't play her game, play your game. 

If you don't want a ONS then I wouldn't go. That's probably what it'll turn into. 

Id also only do it if she pays for dinner. (and buys the raincoat) 

If you're still emotional about it id ask her why. If she says closure, I'd like to talk whatever then feel free to go, just leave your feelings at home. 

If im speaking out of turn I apologize. I'm just giving my opinion.


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## DavidWYoung

Gee, Don't do that! Write to me. I will answer all your questions in her voice. Why did you leave? Because I am a self centered Bitgh. Why no talking? Because I just did not want to. Was there something I could have done? No I'm not kidding, write to me and I will give the truth in your wife's voice.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

awake1 said:


> Go for a ONS. I know that might sound wrong, but hey, why not. You're single, she's single (?)


Seriously?

Nothing good can come out of him hooking up with his ex.


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## tacoma

I have no idea why you'd let this woman near you again.


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## tacoma

awake1 said:


> Go for a ONS. I know that might sound wrong, but hey, why not. You're single, she's single (?)


That's not a bad idea.

Send the cell phone pics of the act to her OM.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> I just wish I knew WHY she wanted to do dinner. *Does she want to apologize?* Is she indifferent about me and there really is no real reason?
> 
> I thought about responding " unless there is something you feel you need to talk about, i'm not interested."
> 
> This way maybe she will respond with "I want to apologize" or the like.


Realistically, what are the CHANCES that she actually WANTS to answer your questions honestly? Because she's NEVER been honest to you for a SINGLE DAY since she met you!

It's not like she CONFESSED to this whole mess and apologized.
It's not like she EVER admitted to any wrong doing.
So *WHY* would she say things NOW that make her look lying a lying, cheating adulteress? Because YOU'D like her to?!?

You found out surreptitiously THROUGH HER CELL PHONE.
Not her being honest.
She left town and moved 1500 miles away.
Without being honest.
Now she'll be back in town for a couple days and wants to have dinner.
To apologize? To be honest? Yeah, right!

More likely, dinner will be more her-her-her-her-her! Her family, her career, her friends, her health. You know....HER!

If she did not SPECIFICALLY TELL YOU in the email that she wanted to APOLOGIZE and ANSWER any questions you had, then don't be so willing to believe that *THAT* would be on *HER* agenda....it's only on yours!

Admitting, apologizing, answering questions would mean she has spent the last few months working diligently on herself. Admitting her failings, her unfairness, her skeeziness. How likely is THAT?

Answer her email, "Not interested." That's it. Two words. Gets the point across!

Then make sure her email address is eliminated from your Send To file so that your email now views her email address as an unrecognizable 'junk mail' address that now goes straight to the trash.

I think your therapist could not be MORE WRONG!

...NOT because you need/would like closure, you DO.

...but because YOUR EX is NOT gonna give it to you; she'll just make you feel like shyt because you'll hate EVERYTHING about this new encounter. You'll have an expectation of answers and satisfaction and end up with NOTHING. Nothing good.


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## ironman

awake1 said:


> Go for a ONS. I know that might sound wrong, but hey, why not. You're single, she's single (?)


I'd only do this if you have balls of steel. And sorry TTB, you don't sound that way to me ... you sound more like you're still not over her. So all I see is more heartbreak for you by going.

Don't go.


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## Maneo

Tryingtobreath said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice. Mostly my family tells me the same.
> 
> My counselor who I saw today (who is excellent) says to go. She says the nightmare i'm living can't get much worse, and I can only MAYBE find a little more closure.
> 
> I've lost about 35 pounds and look amazing right now. Have always lifted weights, but cutting down makes all the difference. Part of me wants to show her what she gave up. I know.. ego.. but you all know where i'm at.
> 
> I also never received an apology from her. Nothing. She basically just left and moved 1500 miles away. I was blindsided.


Your counselor is there seeing you face to face and knows you and the situation better than we can and you seem to trust her. The decision is yours. Good Luck. Eat light.


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## Juicer

So, triggered, and had a horrible day. 
This made it slightly better. 


tacoma said:


> That's not a bad idea.
> 
> Send the cell phone pics of the act to her OM.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## awake1

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Seriously?
> 
> Nothing good can come out of him hooking up with his ex.


Im not saying he should or shouldnt. Im saying whats probably going to happen is he will. So have the mindset that if he goes he needs to guard himself.


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## MattMatt

Ovid said:


> I'd take the opportunity to get some answers. Just know that it will be painful.


:iagree:

I agree. Go for it. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? You aren't at risk of finding out what kind of a person she is, as this, you already know!:smthumbup:


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## aug

Tryingtobreath said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice. Mostly my family tells me the same.
> 
> *My counselor who I saw today (who is excellent) says to go. She says the nightmare i'm living can't get much worse, and I can only MAYBE find a little more closure. *
> 
> I've lost about 35 pounds and look amazing right now. Have always lifted weights, but cutting down makes all the difference. Part of me wants to show her what she gave up. I know.. ego.. but you all know where i'm at.
> 
> I also never received an apology from her. Nothing. She basically just left and moved 1500 miles away. I was blindsided.


Your counselor want you go because she knows when you'll come back from the dinner she'll get extra sessions from you. This is her way of making money.









(or maybe not)


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## aug

ironman said:


> I'd only do this if you have* balls of steel*. And sorry TTB, you don't sound that way to me ... you sound more like you're still not over her. So all I see is more heartbreak for you by going.
> 
> Don't go.



Yup!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

If you decide not to go, you may always wonder if you should have gone.

If you decide to go, you will very likely wished you haddent gone, afterwards. I see nothing but more pain comming from this dinner. If you like emotional pain, then go.


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## Toffer

I would completely ignore the email

Someone who was that devious doesn't deserve ANY answer in my opinion
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

She lied your entire marriage 

Why do you think that a few months post D she would sudden change course and be honest ?

I wouldn't waste another minute of my life on such a horrible person
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BWBill

She's doing this for her own reasons. 

She wants you to have a nice dinner with her to show that there are no hard feelings and you are still friends.


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## BWBill

BTW, who's paying?


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## The-Deceived

No way. Don't grace her with your presence.


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## walkonmars

You claim to still be in love with her. For this reason I recommend you don't go. 

In your emotional state you're liable to fall for any sad story she gives you - probably wants free legal advice - and elicit the white knight syndrome you seem to have.


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## Tryingtobreath

Bills advice makes a lot of sense 

Just told my female cousin about ex contacting me. Cousin was always close with her. She just now informs me that not too long ago ex contacted her to inquire how the family was doing. I haven't gotten more details yet. 

Somewhat upset with cousin in that she never told me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

Tell her to meet and don't show up. Tell her you are disgusted with her and cancelled the meetup if she calls.

Did you reply to her mail yet ? What did she exactly send you ? Maybe a simple "why ?" as a reply will give you more insight into her intentions


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## walkonmars

If you insist on meeting her then make it for coffee.


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## bryanp

She wants to know that she still has the ability to make you pine away for her. This is just ego for her. She humiliates you, disrespects you and cheats on you and invites you to dinner to see if she still has a hold on you.

I would respond that the woman I am currently seeing would not appreciate it so good-bye.


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## Jack29

If i were you i'd set up a meeting with her in a dark alley or smwhere similar and pay a couple of thugs to work her over. Granted i wouldn't get any answers but i'd get a lot of satisfaction.


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## Tryingtobreath

Her email was simple:

Going to be in town in a few weeks and wondered if you'd be interested in dinner one night. Absolutely no pressure either way. Let me know. I hope you're doing well. 

Pos exwife.

I haven't responded and its been 4 days. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall

No no no!


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## MrQuatto

Tryingtobreath said:


> I just wish I knew WHY she wanted to do dinner.


So, ask her straight up what it's about. You don't owe her anything and your life is yours to lead how you want.Make sure that whatever decision you make is for your benefit


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## Thundarr

Tryingtobreath said:


> My brain says: F her! No dinner. She can rot in hell.
> My heart says: I still love her and see this as a possiblity to get some answers of which I never got.


NO

If you have feelings for her then it's a STUPID idea. The only reasons to meet with her are either to 
1. let her apologise or 
2. to hook up with her. 

Neither of these will work if you're gonna get emotionally attached.

10/1 odds though, you'll meet her, maybe hook up and give indications that you would like to, and take a short painful rollercoaster ride.


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## JCD

awake1 said:


> Go for a ONS. I know that might sound wrong, but hey, why not. You're single, she's single (?)
> 
> Don't play her game, play your game.
> 
> If you don't want a ONS then I wouldn't go. That's probably what it'll turn into.
> 
> Id also only do it if she pays for dinner. (and buys the raincoat)
> 
> If you're still emotional about it id ask her why. If she says closure, I'd like to talk whatever then feel free to go, just leave your feelings at home.
> 
> If im speaking out of turn I apologize. I'm just giving my opinion.


I actually like this advice.

Tell her if she wants dinner, she pays, you are going to X restaurant (wherever the hell YOU want to go. Try 'TripAdvisor' for some 4 star restaurants you've never tried). Tell her to bring a pack of condoms for later.

See if she's still interested.

Get the Lobster or Veal. AND dessert.


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## Myka

You still have feelings for her. Ask her why. If it's not to apologize and tell you what really happened then the best you can hope for is reopening your wounds.


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## Acabado

Simply ignore the email.
Closure comes from within, very rarely from others. Specially from someone like your unrepetant, clueless, unempathetic, piece of it of this XW of yours.
Closure will come when you start banging prettier women than her.
I'd start precisely that night.


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## JCD

MattMatt said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I agree. Go for it. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? You aren't at risk of finding out what kind of a person she is, as this, you already know!:smthumbup:


Only part of him knows. The other part wishes.


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## Tryingtobreath

Amazing advice on this site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD

I like Warlock's advice, but I'd be more blunt.

"What's in it for me?"


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## Tryingtobreath

The reason I don't want to just ignore the email is that I don't want a random drop in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Going to be in town in a few weeks and wondered if you'd be interested in dinner one night. Absolutely no pressure either way. Let me know. *I hope you're doing well.*


THAT is fvcking MAGNANIMOUS of her! As a woman, I say that with the GREATEST disdain! She SUCKS!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> I don't want a random drop in.


WHY would you feel obligated to open the door? Seriously!


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## TDSC60

OK don't ignore it. Tell her you are not interested.

You really need to cut all ties with her. Get her out of your mind.

Nothing good for you will come of this. She lied before and during your marriage. What makes you think she is going to tell you any thing that resembles truth now?

Don't go.


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## keko

bryanp said:


> She wants to know that she still has the ability to make you pine away for her. This is just ego for her. She humiliates you, disrespects you and cheats on you and invites you to dinner to see if she still has a hold on you.
> 
> I would respond that the woman I am currently seeing would not appreciate it so good-bye.


Agreed.

Much better then a simple F NO!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> I would respond that the woman I am currently seeing would not appreciate it so good-bye.


But then he'd be a liar and a game-player LIKE HER...instead of a man of INTEGRITY.


I'd still go with *"Not Interested."*


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## Tryingtobreath

Jack29 said:


> If i were you i'd set up a meeting with her in a dark alley or smwhere similar and pay a couple of thugs to work her over. Granted i wouldn't get any answers but i'd get a lot of satisfaction.


😋😋😋
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tryingtobreath

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> But then he'd be a liar and a game-player LIKE HER...instead of a man of INTEGRITY.
> 
> 
> I'd still go with *"Not Interested."*


Thing is is that I am somewhat dating someone. I don't want to jeopardize that either. 

Just curious as to what she has to say. Part of me wants to hear how miserable she is albeit I know that's probably not coming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

If you're dating someone and are considering making it serious then you should mention it to her if not discuss it fully. 

Coffee at Starbucks at most. Ok make it dunkin donuts.


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## JCD

Why would she reveal that to you? She won't. She will be there looking the best she's looked in forever (at least in your eyes) and at the end of the night, you'll be there holding your d!ck in your hand.

You are dating someone. 

She is fishing.

So unless she is offering a) an expensive dinner and b) some reason for you to attend and potentially disrespect your current girlfriend, I'd say no thanks

She had better come up with something you want too.


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## northland

Sounds like you're going despite great advice to the contrary.

Tell your dating partner that your exwife is in town and she wants to speak with you. You're curious what she has to say, it's going to be short and to the point and that will be it.

Don't make it dinner. Dinner implies something more than just a casual meeting.


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## JCD

Tryingtobreath said:


> The reason I don't want to just ignore the email is that I don't want a random drop in.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a weak rationalization for something you already want to do.

So...do it. But you will regret it. And you will regret it if you don't go.

Since you have a GF, I would regret not going out of respect...but that's me.


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## brokenhearted118

I want to say don't go, but I know me and I would go! All I can say, is curiosity killed the cat, BUT satisfaction brought him back! IF you go, be sure to walk away with something satisfying from the experience. (ie: Answers! (not sex or an STD)


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## MattMatt

walkonmars said:


> If you're dating someone and are considering making it serious then you should mention it to her if not discuss it fully.
> 
> Coffee at Starbucks at most. Ok make it dunkin donuts.


:iagree:

Dinner? Too intimate, too emotionally charged.

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts are good ideas. Or confuse her, keep her off balance. Is there a traditional English tea shop style place? Take her for what is called High Tea, in the late afternoon.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

I'm leaning towards not going. I know I'd never take her back regardless of whatever sob story she has. She'd never be accepted by my family and friends anyway. 

Right now I'm tho king about an email like this: 

Unless you have something you want to tell me or need to say, I'm not interested. I'm at a better place right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Since you seem hell bent on seeing your ex, why not bring your girlfriend along.


You appear to want needless drama in your life.

ETA: Nevermind.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Since you seem hell bent on seeing your ex, why not bring your girlfriend along.
> 
> 
> You appear to want needless drama in your life.


I am not hell bent on seeing her. I'm very mixed on which way to go on this hence my posting on this site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkonmars

MattMatt said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Dinner? Too intimate, too emotionally charged.
> 
> Starbuckss or Dunkin Donuts are good ideas. Or confuse her, keep her off balance.* Is there a traditional English tea shop style place? *Take her for what is called High Tea, in the late afternoon.


hmmmm how about a local hookah lounge (since she likes to act like a ahhh a ahhh... well think about it)


----------



## theroad

The best thing to do is not respond. Close old email. Get a new email and block her.

She shows up unannounced.

Simple, grab your coat and car keys an say what a surprise to see you here. Sorry but I was leaving now, bye. Get in car drive off.

Second best thing to do is send an email and ask why does she want to see you? What does she need to tell you?


----------



## ArmyofJuan

Tryingtobreath said:


> Unless you have something you want to tell me or need to say, I'm not interested.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd leave it at this, short and to the point. As a rule don't mention person feelings one way or another.

This is your opportunity to reject her for once, dollars to donuts she is sweating out your response. Don't buy the casual way she worded her message, she probably spent a lot of time wording it just right.

You'd send a even stronger message by ignoring it like she's not worth it. This is how you turn the tables on them.

If you do see her, I wouldn't show her any respect.


----------



## carmen ohio

Tryingtobreath said:


> I'm leaning towards not going. I know I'd never take her back regardless of whatever sob story she has. She'd never be accepted by my family and friends anyway.
> 
> Right now I'm tho king about an email like this:
> 
> Unless you have something you want to tell me or need to say, I'm not interested. I'm at a better place right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Total Beta response. "Unless you have something you want to tell me" says "I really hope you want to tell me that you miss me" and "I'm at a better place right now" says "I'm still not over you."

Be a man. If you want to see her again say, "Sure, as long as you're buying" and then order the most expensive thing on the menu. If you don't want to see her, simply respond "No thanks."

If she does want to tell you something, she'll find another way.


----------



## MattMatt

walkonmars said:


> hmmmm how about a local hookah lounge (since she likes to act like a ahhh a ahhh... well think about it)


Oh, that's so smooooth! I like it!:rofl::smthumbup:


----------



## MattMatt

carmen ohio said:


> Total Beta response. "Unless you have something you want to tell me" says "I really hope you want to tell me that you miss me" and "I'm at a better place right now" says "I'm still not over you."
> 
> Be a man. If you want to see her again say, "Sure, as long as you're buying" and then order the most expensive thing on the menu. If you don't want to see her, simply respond "No thanks."
> 
> If she does want to tell you something, she'll find another way.


Beta response? I don't agree with that analysis.


----------



## Jasel

Just read through some of your previous posts to get a feel for this. Honestly not sure why you would even consider seeing this woman, especially if you still have feelings for her and how she treated you but I'm not in your shoes.

I'd recommend either not responding to the email or at best saying "Not interested" and keeping it at that. Definitely do NOT have dinner with her and if she "drops by", which I dout she'll do, don't open the door or shut it in her face.

Honestly what can meeting with her do for you?? If she was interested in getting back with you I imagine she'd be more aggressive about it than that. Like someone else said she most likely just wants to be on good terms with you. Maybe to be on good terms with some of your family as well who knows. But I have a feeling whatever she is trying to do is for her benefit and not yours. Like pretty much everything else it sounds like she's done.

You've never even gotten an apology from her??? I stand with the other 90% of people in this thread, don't give her the time of day. You don't owe her anything and you owe it to yourself not to let her **** with your head. Again.


----------



## Love2326

Hell to the NO!!! 

You were only divorced 5 months ago! You still love her, it's still too fresh! NO NO NO!! She does not deserve another second of your time! She spit on you, your integrity, and your life! Her actions speak a thousand times more than any words she could ever give you now. 

She made her bed, let her lie in it. She probably had a falling out with the OM and wants you back. Don't fall into the trap!!!

She messed with you for 5 years. Enough is enough!! NO NO NO!!!!


----------



## Headspin

Be honest with yourself here

You're hanging onto to something that you know no longer exists

I know the 'pull' the magnet is almost unbreakable 

Behind that door is all that pain you went through, are still going through ......and you're asking for more of the same so you know what you should do 


............close the door and throw away the key


----------



## lordmayhem

bryanp said:


> She wants to know that she still has the ability to make you pine away for her. This is just ego for her. She humiliates you, disrespects you and cheats on you and invites you to dinner to see if she still has a hold on you.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

She's fishing so that you can feed her ego, that she can get back with you any time and that you are pining away for her. She will dress the best she can and she expects you to be looking haggard and run down.

Do not give her the satisfaction. You will NOT be getting any new info from her because this is a fishing expedition. Instead, you will come away feeling even worse because you KNOW that she still has you in her grip. Your self esteem will be damaged even more. You want closure, but you're not going to get it.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

If you do meet her(and I feel like you still want to) I hope you aren't too attached to your current girlfreind. Because when she hears, or worse, finds out after you meet your XW, she's probably not going to be around much longer...

Is the possablility of loosing your GF worth meeting your XW?...


----------



## jim123

carmen ohio said:


> Total Beta response. "Unless you have something you want to tell me" says "I really hope you want to tell me that you miss me" and w"I'm at a better place right now" says "I'm still not over you."
> 
> Be a man. If you want to see her again say, "Sure, as long as you're buying" and then order the most expensive thing on the menu. If you don't want to see her, simply respond "No thanks."
> 
> If she does want to tell you something, she'll find another way.


Say yes then do not show up. That will give her the message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## northland

Tryingtobreath said:


> Right now I'm tho king about an email like this:
> 
> Unless you have something you want to tell me or need to say, I'm not interested. I'm at a better place right now


As others have said, this is WEAK. I mentally cringed as I read it.

You're leaving it totally up to her. She can just say "yes there's something I want to tell you" and now you're obligated to meet her and listen to her babble on about stuff you don't need to hear. Who cares what she wants?

For once, don't let her call the shots.

When you say "you're in a better place" it's like you're saying it because you feel this need to get her approval that you have gotten over her, which of course means that you haven't.


----------



## 3putt

Okay, this is just me and not to be construed as a course of action but a suggestion, but I would email her back and simply say, "Thanks for the offer, but no thanks. Take care."

Nothing more. 

This is assuming I would reply at all. Personally, I wouldn't. You know all you need to know, and anything more will do nothing other than reset your personal recovery clock. You've come too far for that, IMO.

Also, no way in hell I would give her the satisfaction of knowing that she can still yank my chain. She's a "gather unto me what is mine" kind of trollop. No remorse, no regrets. Just pure non-marriage, narcissistic material. Hopeless. Nope, nope, and nope. 

Your life though.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Tryingtobreath said:


> My counselor who I saw today (who is excellent) says to go. She says the nightmare i'm living can't get much worse, and I can only MAYBE find a little more closure.


Sorry, this statement makes me question your counselor. The few I knew would NEVER say "it can't get much worse." 

I can name multiple examples of things getting worse when you think you've hit rock bottom. Do what you want, but don't go in with that stupid advice.


----------



## Thundarr

Tryingtobreath said:


> Thing is is that I am somewhat dating someone. I don't want to jeopardize that either.
> 
> Just curious as to what she has to say. Part of me wants to hear how miserable she is albeit I know that's probably not coming.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*What's wrong with "No Thank you" or "I'm sorry I can't".* It's your personal reason why you can't or won't so either leave it there or explain. It doesn't really matter because you don't have to explain yourself to her or anyone.

And basking in her unhappiness is risky. She may be wanting to show you her new rock or talk about the guy she's found or worse. If she just wants to be friends well think about it. Do you want to be in the friend zone with someone you used to be in the zone with or maybe help absolve everything she's done to you by being her friend? The term "cut your losses" comes to mind.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for the time and advice. 

I'm gearing up to answer her no. Only reason I do indeed want to answer is I don't want a random drop in. 

It's just a hard email to send as you can imagine. At one point exwife and I had something very special between us. She has tried to somewhat take some blame by telling me "there's something wrong with me. I don't know who I am". Not to absolve a cheater from any responsibility, but I'm sure it's rather difficult for one to own up to cheating. Especially when I was so close to her family and friends. I feel in this matter there is something psychologically wrong with her and she is indeed dealing with her own demons.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Also bugs me that if I don't go then she could be of the mindset "well I tried to meet" ...leaving her thinking she's absolved herself of guilt. 

I wish she's get hit by a bus to be honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Headspin

Tryingtobreath said:


> You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for the time and advice.
> 
> I'm gearing up to answer her no. Only reason I do indeed want to answer is I don't want a random drop in.
> 
> It's just a hard email to send as you can imagine. At one point exwife and I had something very special between us. She has tried to somewhat take some blame by telling me "there's something wrong with me. I don't know who I am". Not to absolve a cheater from any responsibility, but I'm sure it's rather difficult for one to own up to cheating. Especially when I was so close to her family and friends. I feel in this matter there is something psychologically wrong with her and she is indeed dealing with her own demons.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's good 

Just to dilute in a respectful way :

We all had 'something very special' with our exes - although obviously they didn't consider it to be as special as you did! or...

my stbxw admitted to me many times "there's something wrong with me, I know I can't be happy even when I have everything a woman could want" Did it stop her CHOOSING to completely destroy, fk me, her kids, other wives and those families over. Not for a second

Did my wife own up to cheating - eventually although has nil remorse about it. There was always some justification, no matter how small or crazy - which surprise surprise was always me! 

Like mine your wife does have something psychologically wrong with her - any mix of various disorders *but that was NOT behind her making the choices that that smashed your life to pieces* That was her making selfish entitled choices for her and to hell with the consequences

When you love somebody it's easy to forget those very pertinent facts, indeed that's whats kept you mentally in it saving her arse time and time again.

It's not easy as maybe many of us paint it, as every one has something little thing that makes them unique, but the crucial thing here is that the number of reconciliations that were healthy and true based upon what you're still hankering / lingering for is frankly - ZERO


----------



## MattMatt

You could say 'no.' But then you will never know. 

Do you want to be in the position thinking: "I wonder what she would have said?"

Email her and ask her why she wants dinner with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TimesOfChange




----------



## Headspin

MattMatt said:


> You could say 'no.' But then you will never know.
> 
> Do you want to be in the position thinking: "I wonder what she would have said?"
> 
> Email her and ask her why she wants dinner with you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would you really want to go there Matt.?

Lets face it she could say whatever she needs to say without all the "lets go to dinner bull****" - she obviously has some agenda for the poor guy and still feels she can keep her claws dug well deep into him if he goes face to face. She could mail him write text whatever - she knows the physical contact will weaken his resolve in some way what ever she's trying to do 

just my opinion


----------



## workindad

Op if your heart is still in love with her. Do not so it as it will only set you back. She won't give you any real honesty maybe some more bs but that is all. I woe not respond at all. 

You owe her nothing at this point and that includes a response. If she really wanted to provide the truth and it sounds like you already know it anyway. She could just do it over the phone. I can't see how this is a win for you if you are not over her at this point in time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HusbandInPain

Tryingtobreath said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice. Mostly my family tells me the same.
> 
> My counselor who I saw today (who is excellent) says to go. She says the nightmare i'm living can't get much worse, and I can only MAYBE find a little more closure.


If I walk up to you and punch you in the face and guts a couple of times a day for the next few months, how long will it take for you to stop inviting me out for a beer??

Your counsellor is a bloody idiot. Any meeting will be traumatic and painful for YOU. It WILL hurt. New pain = worse. What happens if the result of that is that you become suicidal. I'd say that's "much worse" wouldn't you. Don't discount what emotional pain can do to you. I used to jump out of a helicopter and point a rifle at people a mile away for a living, but about 18 months ago I lay on the floor of my bedroom sobbing and screaming and trying to work up the courage to kill myself. Emotional pain is no less real that physical pain. She has NO reason to be truthful, and EVERY reason to lie. she probably almost believes the lies herself by now. You will not get closure. You will get pain and more questions. 

she made her decision by having an affair. You made your decision by divorcing her. You both need to move on. You are not going to be friends. You didn't divorce because you grew apart or realised you had little in common. You divorced because she treated your heart with contempt. It would serve you well to remember that.


----------



## MattMatt

Headspin said:


> Would you really want to go there Matt.?
> 
> Lets face it she could say whatever she needs to say without all the "lets go to dinner bull****" - she obviously has some agenda for the poor guy and still feels she can keep her claws dug well deep into him if he goes face to face. She could mail him write text whatever - she knows the physical contact will weaken his resolve in some way what ever she's trying to do
> 
> just my opinion


Would I? Yes, probably.

Maybe her counsellor has suggested this to her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mike11

I would go to hear her, nothing wrong with that to my opinion, you have nothing to lose here, worst case she will try to chit chat abit try to make friends with you, if that is the case you can cut short, excuse yourself up say that you have to meet your girlfriend for the night get up and leave her there alone, 

at least you will know what she wanted, I think you have nothing to lose if you come from a point of strength, remember she is asking you, not the other way arround 

I would go and listen


----------



## Headspin

Whats the gain in any of this then? Real gain


----------



## MattMatt

Headspin said:


> Whats the gain in any of this then? Real gain


He finds something out? Has a Big Mac and a Root Beer and a chat with his ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD

MattMatt said:


> He finds something out? Has a Big Mac and a Root Beer and a chat with his ex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hold out for the lobster.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Head spin: your exwife's response sounds a lot like mines. Did she ever figure out her issues?

I know mine has seen a few counselors, even during her breakup with a prior bf before me. 

I, along with most of you in your own sutuationsu, have tried to dissect and diagnose her for the past 5 months. My final thought is that it's a mix of daddy issues with a hint of narcissism. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Headspin

Tryingtobreath said:


> Head spin: your exwife's response sounds a lot like mines. Did she ever figure out her issues?
> 
> I know mine has seen a few counselors, even during her breakup with a prior bf before me.
> 
> I, along with most of you in your own sutuationsu, have tried to dissect and diagnose her for the past 5 months. My final thought is that it's _*a mix of daddy issues with a hint of narcissism. *_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No she did'nt despite medication counseling etc etc and mainly because I was her support shield against the whole world with it all. She's always been this 'victim' that circumstances have propelled into 'terrible' choices - yeah right

You'll be interested in researching various disorders Borderline (my wifes main one) Bipolar Narcissism is etc which will shock you to the core 

Be seated when you read up on this stuff because you will find out so much about your life with her - your eyes will knowingly pop! 

A lot of that stuff is what can put those afflicted on a wrong pathway but that's nothing to do with the choices she then makes 

Took me 15 years to work that out !!

(Also srry to be negative but there is no known cure for sufferers of the above disorders - meds to and froe it, counselling gets them talking but they are what they are and their behavior once you know what it is, is as predictable permanently as sure as the sun comes up. I used to think at one point 'Mmm everything has been great for a few months - now where's my tin hat! And sure enough - without fail, without warning another mental collapse mostly with another man in tow somewhere in it. It moves in cycles and over years increases and intensifies until you trying to hold it all together kids home her work just end up thinking you are in some asylum somewhere ........and here's the funny bit - you end up thinking with their help that's it's all your fault !!!!!!! )


----------



## JCD

IF you decide to do this

1. Tell GF

2. Email: "Fine. 7:00 pm at Chez Banqueloan. You are paying. Bring cash."

2a. If her response is anything but yes, fvck it. Take the GF to the movie. Don't bother to respond. 

3. As soon as you get there: "Emily Post says when a woman invites a man to dinner, she should discretely pay in advance." She should give them cash or a credit card...or give you the same to hold. If she brings up how controlling this is, mention that it may be controlling, but we also know what her word is worth. 

This is called 'setting the tone'.

4. Order what you want but don't worry about getting the prime rib. Bottle of wine. Drink before dinner. Dessert.

5. Make sure to have your cell phone fully charged. When she goes into psychobabble/rationalization mode, you can play some games until she is finished talking. It is the mark of a true gentleman to keep the volume low during dinner.

6. If she starts crying, or blaming you, excuse yourself, go to the washroom and give the busboy $20, so he lets you out the backdoor. Go home and call the GF and play some X box. Make bets with yourself about how long it takes for her to realize you left.

I don't think you have it in you though. This is the attitude you need to survive this.

*there is the obligatory greeting "are you putting on weight?" after you say hello. I blush to even mention it since it's such a given.


----------



## MovingAhead

I found out what my EX wife's psychological issues are:

She was a cheating W---.

You do want closure. I don't think you will ever get it. I don't expect to get it from my EX. She never apologized. She has hurt our kids so much so that my two oldest dont want to be with her any more at all.

I understand you want that 'I'm sorry for hurting you, i was such a fool... sob sob' crap. Even if you get it could you believe it was real or will you always think she is probably playing you like she did when you were married.

Put your cowboy boots on and realize your self worth comes from inside and you don't need a cheating W- to validate your worth.

You will go and it will ease her pain and she will get closure in her twisted sense and you will still be wondering. You are still in this place of 'I'm not sure' because you don't know who you are. You are you with or without her. Figure out who 'you' is and move on... or go see her realize you will one day be a man when you grow up and ask her permission to see this new girl in your life.

Your new girl wants a man. You should have realized that along the way. I doubt she knows you are on here pining whether or not you should see your EXW because you have separation anxiety or some crap. Tell her about this thread and I bet your new girl will dump you in 3 seconds flat.

Your new girl doesn't deserve this drama and neither do you. I suggest you realize who you are and stop being beholden to a woman who cuckolded you and dumped you and treated you like you were some used toilet paper that she scraped off her shoe.

Just my $.02


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

Thanks for the smile JCD! Good response!


----------



## Dad&Hubby

Tryingtobreath said:


> Long story short:
> Me: 34
> her: 30
> 
> My original posting: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64546-new-here-my-story.html
> 
> Total relationship length: 4.5 years
> Married less than a year.
> 
> After about a year of marriage, she announced she wanted out. Unhappy, etc. Found out she had be involved in at least a EA with a MM in a different state. Had been going on prior to me proposing and all thru the marriage. Divorce was final in Dec 12. Only married for that short year. I treated her great, but apparently she couldn't control herself.
> 
> I haven't had communication with her since January. Just the other day, out of the blue she emails that she's going to be in town and wants to know if I want to get dinner.
> 
> I know she's still in contact with MM. I doubt she wants to get back together, nor would I.
> 
> My brain says: F her! No dinner. She can rot in hell.
> My heart says: I still love her and see this as a possiblity to get some answers of which I never got.
> 
> I basically found out all this thru her cell phone and all the calling going on through the past two years to MM. She even emailed him on our honeymoon how much she missed him.
> 
> She rug swept him of course and said JUST FRIENDs. I'm not an idiot.
> 
> THoughts?


Simple rule to the human anatomy

Listen to your gut
Use your head
Cherish your heart.

If you go to dinner.
You're not listening or using and your heart will hurt.


----------



## Shooboomafoo

I'd go, and take a fking date with me.


----------



## happyman64

TTB

You have gotten lots of advice so I thought I would chime in.

Do you still have questions??? Do you really want answers???

If you do then go meet her. You just have to realize you might not get any answers at all.

If you think the meeting will set you back then do not go.

It really is as simple as that.

If you decide to go you pick the restaurant.

Be on time and give yourself 90 minutes with your Ex.

Let your GF know where you are and whom you are with.

Ask her to meet you there in the lobby 90 minutes after your reservation.

Tell your Ex good bye and you sincerely hope she finds happiness in her life.

Then move on and do not give her another thought.

Because your Ex is like mine. They will most likely never find happiness in their lives because they will never be happy just with themselves.

I hope you get the closure you seek either way.

HM64

PS
The key is never looking back.


----------



## Headspin

happyman64 said:


> TTB If you decide to go you pick the restaurant.


This got me laughing

Tell her to meet at a rank dirty roadside cafe full of gravel, truckers, bikers, and beans on toast.
You'll meet her on 'level' terms 

...wonder if she'd turn up!


----------



## MattMatt

Ah! You have a new woman? Then you should both meet ex wife for dinner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tryingtobreath

An interesting snip from a website regarding bipolar/narcissist:

As opposed to narcissists, bipolars regret their misdeeds following the manic phase and try to atone for their actions. They realize and accept that "*something is wrong with them*" and seek help. During the depressive phase they are ego-dystonic and their defenses are autoplastic (they blame themselves for their defeats, failures, and mishaps).

At the end, my ex told me that if you're in the right relationship, the "honeymoon phase" never wears off. I believe she does have an idealize sense of what a relationship is. 

In the end too, she bought a really expensive car, and stated "i'm used to getting what I want". Talk about entitlement. I never saw any of this when we dated.

Looking back at her history, (and speaking with her ex prior to me) there was pattern of overlapping relationships. She seems to have multiple men in the hopper at once.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

MattMatt said:


> Ah! You have a new woman? Then you should both meet ex wife for dinner.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Boy, wouldn't THAT be the ultimate alpha move.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

MovingAhead said:


> I found out what my EX wife's psychological issues are:
> 
> *Put your cowboy boots on and realize your self worth comes from inside and you don't need a cheating W- to validate your worth.*


This hits home with me. My self worth should come from the fact that i'm attractive and have a great build, I'm an accomplished lawyer, I treat people kindly and fair, I don't lie and cheat, and I respect others. 

I shouldn't want to have to hear her explanation.. only to build my self worth back up.


----------



## doubletrouble

Headspin said:


> This got me laughing
> 
> Tell her to meet at a rank dirty roadside cafe full of gravel, truckers, bikers, and beans on toast.
> You'll meet her on 'level' terms
> 
> ...wonder if she'd turn up!


Get her to go there and then DON'T show up. 

Somewhere I read "The past will be your teacher if you learn from it; your master if you live in it."

Don't look back. You're not going that way.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

I know and she knows there is something wrong with her. She told me upon leaving me that she will be continuing her counselling sessions at her new location. I know she wants to figure herself out.. I don't feel that she really went out an seeked an affair. It more just happened and she was impulsive.. Before long she was hooked. 

Now what if she is diagnosed bipolar since last time I saw her? Shouldn't I be there for her to at least tell me about it? If this is something she can't really control or didn't know why she does the things she does, should'nt I at least listen to what she has to say? 

I'm still thinking an email "unless you have something to discuss..." is the way to go..


----------



## Dad&Hubby

Sorry, I still love the answer (and you can be upbeat and friendly like you'd be happy to see her)

"Sure, do you mind if I bring someone along?"

And then bring a hot date like there's absolutely nothing wrong or uncomfortable...DAMN!! That would knock her for a major loop.


----------



## BK23

Tryingtobreath said:


> I know and she knows there is something wrong with her. She told me upon leaving me that she will be continuing her counselling sessions at her new location. I know she wants to figure herself out.. I don't feel that she really went out an seeked an affair. It more just happened and she was impulsive.. Before long she was hooked.
> 
> Now what if she is diagnosed bipolar since last time I saw her? Shouldn't I be there for her to at least tell me about it? If this is something she can't really control or didn't know why she does the things she does, should'nt I at least listen to what she has to say?
> 
> I'm still thinking an email "unless you have something to discuss..." is the way to go..


Dude. Plenty of bi-polar people don't fvck over their significant others. You owe her less than nothing. This woman has nothing for you but pain. Maintain your dignity, and walk away.


----------



## JCD

Tryingtobreath said:


> I know and she knows there is something wrong with her. She told me upon leaving me that she will be continuing her counselling sessions at her new location. I know she wants to figure herself out.. I don't feel that she really went out an seeked an affair. It more just happened and she was impulsive.. Before long she was hooked.
> 
> *Now what if she is diagnosed bipolar since last time I saw her? Shouldn't I be there for her to at least tell me about it? If this is something she can't really control or didn't know why she does the things she does, should'nt I at least listen to what she has to say? *
> I'm still thinking an email "unless you have something to discuss..." is the way to go..



Blink blink. WTF?

Let me search for the relevant section...ah...here it is!



> Divorce was final in Dec 12


Counselor...do you realize what that means? It means that she is no longer part of your life. Her mental issues are HER mental issues. 

*SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE ANYMORE!*

She did not want you to 'be there' for her. She is not a mental incompetent. She is getting whatever help she wants to get.

Your *GIRLFRIEND* is the person whom you should 'be there for'.

But you REALLY REALLY aren't over her at all.

You want to go there so she can be sad but beautiful, flicking her hair and giving you a sad smile and saying "OH...I am SO sorry...My therapist told me that I am mentally ill but he gave me a pill so now I'm fixed and want you back so we can go off and screw like monkeys in heat..."

This is the fantasy you are clinging to. Don't deny it.

Here is the problem. If she was in something like the equivalent of a 12 step program or a resolution of prior issues therapy tool, the tone of her email would have been much different.

Something along the lines of 'I had a long talk with my therapist and I need to put this behind me and apologize to you. I am in town and would like to do dinner. I totally understand if you don't want to do it, and I'm not trying to guilt you. I need to give both of us some closure."

See...chicks eat up that Dr. Phil crap and are happy to use it. She didn't. So I strongly doubt this is about that.

So much for the stereotype of cutthroat attorneys.

You are going to do this. We all know you are going to do this. 

So if you DO do this, you owe us a breakdown of what happens and telling us who is right.

I'm guessing the meal will have her looking hotter then hell, inanities, deflecting any attempts to get things serious and a bit of fishing to see if you are recovered at all while she tries to push your buttons.

Let me know if I am wrong.


----------



## Mavash.

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't answer the email either.

No answer means no.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Tryingtobreath said:


> This hits home with me. My self worth should come from the fact that i'm attractive and have a great build, *I'm an accomplished lawyer*, I treat people kindly and fair, *I don't lie and cheat*, and I respect others.
> 
> I shouldn't want to have to hear her explanation.. only to build my self worth back up.


How is this possible? 

Only kidding, only kidding.

Sorry, I couldn't help myself TTB.


----------



## Maneo

Trying, the volume of responses to your initial query indicate the strongly felt emotions on this subject of meeting with an ex, particularly one who cheated. No doubt we each bring our own feelings based on personal experiences and beliefs to this very emotional issue. 
I was among those early on who suggested you go with your brain ( no dinner) than our heart ( dinner ). 
You mentioned your current counselor has advised you to go to the dinner.
This forum is an excellent peer sharing place. Yet it is limited to brief text only messages from a largely anonymous population. None have the advantage of being there in your environment, face-to-face, knowing the full history, having the benefit of the richness of real personal interaction.
In weighing the advice you've been given, I'd give greater consideration to your counselor. 
Good luck with your decision whichever way you go.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Great advices, but really some of you need to drop the snarky "attorney" jokes. I'm damn good at my job. This ISN'T about representing the buyer of real estate or defending a criminal (cough cough). So lay off that arena. 

I may also add a little helpful timeline:

Exwife goes to see the counsellor I"m seeing now for 2 sessions. Didn't like her and left to see another. The other counsellor is notoriously bad. I'll just leave it at that.

When I found all this out at the end (about her seeing counsellors) I asked why she left first one. She said she didn't like her. NOW, this first counsellor (the one i'm seeing now) has a great rep in the area as the one you want to see. SO, i'm deducing that first counsellor told ex something she didn't want to hear. 

Reason I picked first counsellor as my own was an attempt to fish for any sort of answers from her, albeit knowing the formalities of confidentiality.


----------



## SpinDaddy

Tryingtobreath said:


> Long story short:
> Me: 34
> her: 30
> 
> My original posting: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64546-new-here-my-story.html
> 
> Total relationship length: 4.5 years
> Married less than a year.
> 
> After about a year of marriage, she announced she wanted out. Unhappy, etc. Found out she had be involved in at least a EA with a MM in a different state. Had been going on prior to me proposing and all thru the marriage. Divorce was final in Dec 12. Only married for that short year. I treated her great, but apparently she couldn't control herself.
> 
> I haven't had communication with her since January. Just the other day, out of the blue she emails that she's going to be in town and wants to know if I want to get dinner.
> 
> I know she's still in contact with MM. I doubt she wants to get back together, nor would I.
> 
> My brain says: F her! No dinner. She can rot in hell.
> My heart says: I still love her and see this as a possiblity to get some answers of which I never got.
> 
> I basically found out all this thru her cell phone and all the calling going on through the past two years to MM. She even emailed him on our honeymoon how much she missed him.
> 
> She rug swept him of course and said JUST FRIENDs. I'm not an idiot.
> 
> THoughts?


I wouldn’t waste my time. Seriously, what are you going to get out of it – answers to questions that don’t matter anymore?

Besides, the woman sounds like the type that gets self-worth and satisfaction from being desired by lots of men. If you still have feelings for her, and you say you do, she will sense that and play you for years to come.


----------



## JustGrinding

Tryingtobreath said:


> My brain says: F her! No dinner. She can rot in hell.?


Looks to me as if your brain has accurately assessed the situation and has provided you the best-possible course of action.

SIDE NOTE: The population of dumba$$es in the counseling field mirrors that of the general population, so your odds are not good there . . .


----------



## JCD

Tryingtobreath said:


> Great advices, but really some of you need to drop the snarky "attorney" jokes. I'm damn good at my job. This ISN'T about representing the buyer of real estate or defending a criminal (cough cough). So lay off that arena.
> 
> I may also add a little helpful timeline:
> 
> Exwife goes to see the counsellor I"m seeing now for 2 sessions. Didn't like her and left to see another. The other counsellor is notoriously bad. I'll just leave it at that.
> 
> When I found all this out at the end (about her seeing counsellors) I asked why she left first one. She said she didn't like her. NOW, this first counsellor (the one i'm seeing now) has a great rep in the area as the one you want to see. SO, i'm deducing that first counsellor told ex something she didn't want to hear.
> 
> Reason I picked first counsellor as my own was an attempt to fish for any sort of answers from her, albeit knowing the formalities of confidentiality.


This has nothing to do with the situation.

She moved. She is seeing another counselor.

You have no idea about her motives. You have a lot to lose.

You still want to go.

So go.


----------



## Shaggy

Do not freaking go. No way. 
And no you do not owe her support or anything. She is not your friend. 

Again. She is not even a friend to you. 

She is a person who lied betrayed and did it all without guilt. None. The whole her saying she wants to fix herself is a way to really say that if in the unlikely situation where she did anything wrong it wasn't he fault because there is something not working in her. 

It's all a ruse. 

She'll be the same lying selfish person you got rid of. 

Either say no. Or. Say yes and stand her up by taking your new person out for a great night
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr

Tryingtobreath said:


> At the end, my ex told me that if you're in the right relationship, the "honeymoon phase" never wears off. I believe she does have an idealize sense of what a relationship is.


That's one of more naive things I've heard in a while. She probably knew better and was just trying to justify her actions.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

I should clarify: Counsellor didn't specifically say GO. She just told me that she knows what i'll do, and she sees nothing wrong with the decision. I told her I'm actually leaning towards NOT going.


----------



## Maneo

Tryingtobreath said:


> I should clarify: Counsellor didn't specifically say GO. She just told me that she knows what i'll do, and she sees nothing wrong with the decision. I told her I'm actually leaning towards NOT going.


Good luck with whatever decision you make. 
Your comment reinforces my suggestion that this text only form of interaction leaves much to be desired. It is so easy to mis-state and misinterpret meanings from words alone.
Your earlier post concerning your counselor's advice was in part, "My counselor who I saw today (who is excellent) says to go. She says the nightmare i'm living can't get much worse, and I can only MAYBE find a little more closure."
Hence, the confusion.


----------



## Almostrecovered

I'm confused, why is OM a MM? did you ever expose him to his wife?


----------



## Theseus

She's probably going to tell you she's pregnant with your child. Make sure you are sitting down and have a few stiff drinks beforehand.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Almostrecovered said:


> I'm confused, why is OM a MM? did you ever expose him to his wife?


Yes, other man is married, children etc. In my original thread I chose not to expose. I had my reasons and I'm not open to debate it any longer.


----------



## warlock07

Not even now ?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> How is this possible?
> 
> Only kidding, only kidding.
> 
> Sorry, I couldn't help myself TTB.


Damn, I thought the same thing.


----------



## Thundarr

Mountain / Mole hill. Ten pages about dinner is insane.

Have dinner with her or don't. In the grand scheme of things it means squat.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Thundarr said:


> Mountain / Mole hill. Ten pages about dinner is insane.
> 
> Have dinner with her or don't. In the grand scheme of things it means squat.


And how many words did YOU add to this insane thread?

ETA: There is a greater subtext than just dinner.


----------



## Chaparral

I would go. My couriosity would be killing me. Dinner only and let her know you are going out on a date with your grilfriend when you leave her.

Put on your best and leave her with something to remember. Whether she is bipolar or what ever, she is just someone you used to know. Someone you can't trust or depend on.


----------



## xOW

Not sure my advice is welcome on this thread but DON'T GO and if you do respond to her email, make it a two word reply like "not interested".

You are reading way too much into her dinner invitation and giving her way too much credit for even hoping she'll give you any satisfying answers. 

All she wants is the ego boost of knowing she still has a hold over you. IGNORE HER. The best way to make her understand that what she did is inexcusable is not to fall for this "let's put it behind us and be friendly" trap. 

If you agree to see her again after what she's put you through, the level of disrespect and lack of consideration for your feelings, she will think all is forgiven and she'll be able to move on with her life with a clear conscience. That's what it does to stay friendly with someone who's treated you like crap. 

You give THEM closure, and you end up more hurt than ever because the very fact that you are willing to see them again sends the message that what they did is not bad enough to permanently push you away. 

Not sure I am explaining my point very clearly but simply put: if you meet her for dinner, she wins. You lose. She gains closure, an ego boost, the validation that she is important enough to have a way in your life whenever she feels like it. Her email also makes it sound like she really is only looking for someone to enjoy her evening with while she's in town. Like she's just throwing it out there to see if you'll bite. If not, no biggie she'll make other plans.

You'll be disappointed if you go hoping she will suddenly say everything you want to hear. Don't read too much into her intentions, you'll only make her feel good about herself by giving her more attention.

Stay strong, ignore her. She didn't care about hurting your feelings when she left you, remember that.


----------



## Chaparral

Tryingtobreath said:


> Yes, other man is married, children etc. In my original thread I chose not to expose. I had my reasons and I'm not open to debate it any longer.


Head slap............... looks like WS isn't the only one with a karma bus in her future.

I take back my recommendation to meet her, run and hide.


----------



## northland

Lots of advise on this thread is to do something that will adversely affect her in some way

- bring a date
- don't show up
- make her pay
- do other things to hurt her somehow

When you hold onto the anger you are only hurting yourself!

Rather than lashing out, put her behind you. She's in your past.

Let it go, let her go.

She's of no value to you any more and the only thing she has to offer you is more pain.


----------



## LongWalk

aug said:


> Your counselor want you go because she knows when you'll come back from the dinner she'll get extra sessions from you. This is her way of making money.
> (or maybe not)


Plus, she'll have a good laugh when swapping stories with her colleagues over red wine. The more clients, the better the vintage.


----------



## Thundarr

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> And how many words did YOU add to this insane thread?
> 
> ETA: There is a greater subtext than just dinner.


Funny. One or two posts and now even another. 

Yes the greater subtext is that T2B is a grown freaking man who is capable of having lunch with any other man or woman. He doesn't have to fall prey to vagina warfare if he goes out to dinner with his ex and he doesn't have give her a reason if he doesn't go. It's a simple question should I or shouldn't I. If I were him I might and I might not because IT DOESN"T MATTER. It's just dinner.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Thundarr said:


> Yes the greater subtext is that T2B is a grown freaking man who is capable of having lunch with any other man or woman.


Actually the subtext that I was thinking about is the fact that he still hasn't gotten over his ex's betrayal and is expecting answers from her (that she may not be able to give him) so that he can feel better about the demise of their union.


----------



## Ovid

New idea. Instead of going ask:

How many people will be there?
Will I get a turn, or am I still in the back of the line?


----------



## Harken Banks

You could go. Arrive after her. Order the most expensive wine and items on the menu. Be polite. Excuse yourself just before finishing your entree. Leave and never come back.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

So I just had a lovely trigger:

It's raining here. I remembered back to when i'd be talking to ex on the phone while she was driving whereever, usually to the airport for traveling, and she'd quite regularly exit our call because it was pouring out and she needed to pay attention to the road. Or it was dark out and she needed to concentrate. Or it was snowing. Or she was merging into traffic. It was always something.

I'm just positive she was getting a call-in by OM. It just happened with too much regularity to be anything but. 


I"m pretty sure i'm not going. F*ck her.


----------



## BWBill

The truth is everyone on this board really wants you to go as long as we get the scoop afterwards.

Then we can do ten pages of "I told you so".



Seriously, best of luck regardless of your decision.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

BWBill said:


> The truth is everyone on this board really wants you to go as long as we get the scoop afterwards.
> 
> Then we can do ten pages of "I told you so".
> 
> 
> 
> Seriously, best of luck regardless of your decision.


I'll report back either way.


----------



## northland

Tryingtobreath said:


> I'll report back either way.


In that case definitely go.


----------



## Thundarr

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Actually the subtext that I was thinking about is the fact that he still hasn't gotten over his ex's betrayal and is expecting answers from her (that she may not be able to give him) so that he can feel better about the demise of their union.


Ok that was well stated and acurate. My hope is that T2B gets past caring about what she thinks or how she feels about things. It matters to him now but his life would be better if it didn't.


----------



## JCD

northland said:


> Lots of advise on this thread is to do something that will adversely affect her in some way
> 
> - bring a date
> - don't show up
> - make her pay
> - do other things to hurt her somehow
> 
> When you hold onto the anger you are only hurting yourself!
> 
> Rather than lashing out, put her behind you. She's in your past.
> 
> Let it go, let her go.
> 
> She's of no value to you any more and the only thing she has to offer you is more pain.



The person who invites gets to pay. And if she walks away with just a large dinner bill, she still making out on the deal. She lost some cash. He lost his heart.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Oh I wouldn't be paying for dinner. Her company would be. She's there on business.


----------



## soccermom2three

Tryingtobreath said:


> Yes, other man is married, children etc. In my original thread I chose not to expose. I had my reasons and I'm not open to debate it any longer.


OMG, that poor wife.


----------



## Blue Firefly

Tryingtobreath said:


> My counselor who I saw today (who is excellent) says to go. She says the nightmare i'm living can't get much worse, and I can only MAYBE find a little more closure.


The best way to find closure is to not go.

By not going; by turning down this opportunity to interact with her you will be closing the door on your relationship with her--forever.

That's closure.


----------



## LostViking

Tryingtobreath said:


> Oh I wouldn't be paying for dinner. Her company would be. She's there on business.


Do you think if she had to shell out the cash to pay for it, would she have invited you? 

I met my first WXW who I had not seen for twenty years back in January this year. We did end up sleeping with each other that night. I came close to rekindling our relationship, but fortunately the good people here at TAM warned me off. I'm glad I followed through, because I divorced her because she was a serial cheater. Even though she has worked on her issues through the years, it would have been too great a risk to get back with her. 

However, I did finally get the apology and expression of remorse that I had been waiting over twenty years for. I did get some closure and it allowed me to put away alot of the animosity I had been carrying for her those two decades. I feel much better now. 

Maybe your WXW wants to apologize. Maybe it will be worth meeting her.

Just do not sleep with her. That is a trap you need to avoid.


----------



## Blue Firefly

Tryingtobreath said:


> Also bugs me that if I don't go then she could be of the mindset "well I tried to meet" ...leaving her thinking she's absolved herself of guilt. _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who cares if she feels guilty or not? Your marriage won't be restored if she feels guilty. 

Besides, if you really want to *hurt* her, then you should be apathetic. Just say "no thank you" and leave it at that. Don't give an excuse, don't say anything. Just leave the impression that she's not even important enough to you anymore to waste the hour it would take to eat lunch.


----------



## domah

Tryingtobreath said:


> Long story short:
> Me: 34
> her: 30
> 
> My original posting: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64546-new-here-my-story.html
> 
> Total relationship length: 4.5 years
> Married less than a year.
> 
> After about a year of marriage, she announced she wanted out. Unhappy, etc. Found out she had be involved in at least a EA with a MM in a different state. Had been going on prior to me proposing and all thru the marriage. Divorce was final in Dec 12. Only married for that short year. I treated her great, but apparently she couldn't control herself.
> 
> I haven't had communication with her since January. Just the other day, out of the blue she emails that she's going to be in town and wants to know if I want to get dinner.
> 
> I know she's still in contact with MM. I doubt she wants to get back together, nor would I.
> 
> My brain says: F her! No dinner. She can rot in hell.
> My heart says: I still love her and see this as a possiblity to get some answers of which I never got.
> 
> I basically found out all this thru her cell phone and all the calling going on through the past two years to MM. She even emailed him on our honeymoon how much she missed him.
> 
> She rug swept him of course and said JUST FRIENDs. I'm not an idiot.
> 
> THoughts?



My thoughts: *NO*

Your emotional health/well-being can he heavily influenced by the people around you. Now why would you allow someone you know to be toxic back into your life to pollute your emotional health? No need to play games. No need to "bring a date". No need to hurt her. No need to go.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

LostViking said:


> However, I did finally get the apology and expression of remorse that I had been waiting over twenty years for. I did get some closure and it allowed me to put away alot of the animosity I had been carrying for her those two decades. I feel much better now.
> 
> Maybe your WXW wants to apologize. Maybe it will be worth meeting her.


LV, it took your XW twenty years to apologize to you.

His wife is not going to apologize to him after being divorced for only five months.


----------



## Mike11

I still think you should go just to hear what she has to say, you are no obligated to her for anything, if she has no reason other than companionship simple excuse yourself and leave


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Mike11 said:


> I still think you should go just to hear what she has to say, you are no obligated to her for anything, if she has no reason other than companionship simple excuse yourself and leave


And this will help him move on with his life how?


----------



## Mike11

By removing the nagging curiosity of the "may be I should just hear what she had to say" type of feelings that creep up in these situations


----------



## LostViking

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> LV, it took your XW twenty years to apologize to you.
> 
> His wife is not going to apologize to him after being divorced for only five months.


Who knows for sure? I can only pass on my own experiences. 

It sounds to me like he had made his mind up to go from the very beginning. He is nowhere near over her.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

I'm trying to really think about how an apology would actually affect me if I received one. I think it would do a lot of good. Like most BS, I have some guilt as to what my role was in this whole thing. Not enough hand holding, not enough "I love yous" etc etc. I mostly know this is insane thinking, but you all know the thought process.

If I knew up front what she actually wants to meet about, whether it just be a casual dinner with an old friend type of meeting, or that she wants to apologize (or she has knowledge of me dating and wants to ruin it), my decision to meet would be easier. 

Even if I do write back asking for a "why do you want to meet" she may just lie about the reason. 

I must admit though... she's a REAL beauty. Gorgeous woman. There is part of me that want's one last up to bat. (H bonding?)


----------



## Mike11

LostViking said:


> Who knows for sure? I can only pass on my own experiences.
> 
> It sounds to me like he had made his mind up to go from the very beginning. He is nowhere near over her.


well may be that's what he needs in order to get over her completely, if he goes and she is trying to assuage her Guilty conscious by trying to be his "friend" (which may as well be the case here) he can simply get up and leave knowing that he should never waste any more time on her

I tend to think with the contacting the other family members that this is what she is trying to do, or to fish her way back after the OM dump her
He will never know if he wont go


----------



## Blue Firefly

Tryingtobreath said:


> I'm trying to really think about how an apology would actually affect me if I received one. I think it would do a lot of good. Like most BS, I have some guilt as to what my role was in this whole thing. Not enough hand holding, not enough "I love yous" etc etc. I mostly know this is insane thinking, but you all know the thought process.


Yes, it's insane thinking



> If I knew up front what she actually wants to meet about, whether it just be a casual dinner with an old friend type of meeting, or that she wants to apologize (or she has knowledge of me dating and wants to ruin it), my decision to meet would be easier.


What if she wants to waive her new engagement ring under your nose and say how *she forgives you for how you mistreated her?* 



> I must admit though... she's a REAL beauty. Gorgeous woman. There is part of me that want's one last up to bat. (H bonding?)


Oh gawd, quit thinking with your ****.


----------



## Matt1720

i'd only go to a place i knew she hated, make her pay, and eat in silence.


----------



## Convection

Tryingtobreath said:


> There is part of me that want's one last up to bat.


Seriously? Dude, read your own words. This is the way addicts talk. "If I can take one more hit, I'll be good." It never works that way.

Break the addiction. Walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Theseus

Tryingtobreath said:


> Oh I wouldn't be paying for dinner. Her company would be. She's there on business.


She's either going to try to sell you Amway products or get you to invest in a time share!!


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Tryingtobreath said:


> I must admit though... she's a REAL beauty. Gorgeous woman. There is part of me that want's one last up to bat. (H bonding?)


WTF?

She's the only gorgeous woman in the whole entire world?

Peel away the exterior veneer and you'll see just how ugly and despicable your ex wife really is.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Theseus said:


> She's either going to try to sell you Amway products or get you to invest in a time share!!


:rofl:

In six months he'll be complaining about not being able to park his car in the garage because the unsold boxes of soap is taking up too much space.


----------



## Ovid

Tryingtobreath said:


> I'm trying to really think about how an apology would actually affect me if I received one. I think it would do a lot of good. Like most BS, I have some guilt as to what my role was in this whole thing. Not enough hand holding, not enough "I love yous" etc etc. I mostly know this is insane thinking, but you all know the thought process.
> 
> If I knew up front what she actually wants to meet about, whether it just be a casual dinner with an old friend type of meeting, or that she wants to apologize (or she has knowledge of me dating and wants to ruin it), my decision to meet would be easier.
> 
> Even if I do write back asking for a "why do you want to meet" she may just lie about the reason.
> 
> I must admit though... she's a REAL beauty. Gorgeous woman. There is part of me that want's one last up to bat. (H bonding?)


In that case. NO. Never. Not even if it's to give you a winning lottary ticket. She's poison to you.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

I'm still waiting to hear back from my cousin whom ex had contacted. I want to know exactly what was said. It will give me greater insight as to WHY she wants to meet.

My thought is that ex is trying to see just how much my family members know about the REAL reason we divorced (affair). I originally told ex that I didn't tell my family about it.. and that I just told them Ex was unhappy and wanted out. Obviously my family really knows the truth though.

If ex is fishing for THAT info, which might be the case, I would wager OM dumped her and she's looking at her options, hence a dinner.


----------



## northland

You're going to make yourself nuts wondering why she wants to meet you.

You might as well go ahead with it, you probably won't get your own questions answered but at least you'll find out what she has in mind.

Don't give her any answers.


----------



## JustGrinding

Tryingtobreath said:


> I must admit though... she's a REAL beauty. Gorgeous woman. There is part of me that want's one last up to bat.


My granddaddy once took me out to help him feed the cows.

When we dumped the feed in the troughs, the cows all came running and lined up at the trough. Grandaddy stood there beaming and said, “JG, just look at those cows. Each one with its own features, own quirks, you can even tell they have their own personalities just by watching them at the feed trough.”

After a few minutes of tidying and putting things in order around the barn, we found ourselves around the other side of the feed trough.

Grandaddy said, “. . . and look at ‘em now, JG. They all look just the same.”


----------



## Laila8

NO!

This is a really bad idea. Please do not go.

If you want to "stick it to her" or show her you've moved on, I can tell you the best way to do that is to ignore her e-mail. ANY other reply signifies you're still interested and/or she still has power over you.


----------



## MarriedTex

Tryingtobreath said:


> I'm trying to really think about how an apology would actually affect me if I received one. I think it would do a lot of good. Like most BS, I have some guilt as to what my role was in this whole thing. Not enough hand holding, not enough "I love yous" etc etc. I mostly know this is insane thinking, but you all know the thought process.
> 
> If I knew up front what she actually wants to meet about, whether it just be a casual dinner with an old friend type of meeting, or that she wants to apologize (or she has knowledge of me dating and wants to ruin it), my decision to meet would be easier.
> 
> Even if I do write back asking for a "why do you want to meet" she may just lie about the reason.
> 
> I must admit though... she's a REAL beauty. Gorgeous woman. There is part of me that want's one last up to bat. (H bonding?)



Well, if you want to bang her, nothing good is going to come of this at all. After everything she has done to you? You are merely a glutton for punishment. So how does this little fairy tale end? She apologizes, you go back to her hotel for a passion fueled re-uniting?

What happens after the roll in the hay? A second? A third? Now, you're back in a relationship as Plan B with a harlot that treated you worse than dirt?

The only thing that would be worse is if you don't get sex but let her know clearly that you would move heavan and earth to get into her pants again. She would know that she has your balls in her purse and can take them out to play anytime she wants. 

Time to start thinking with the right head. 

Oh, and go ahead and break up with current GF. If you're still hung up on this psycho, the GF deserves much better than you.


----------



## BobSimmons

NiceGuy reconcilling you says go because you hope there's a sliver of R. There is not. Live your life guy, she's already messing with your head and you haven't even met her yet


----------



## TCSRedhead

There's a reason people are exes. We don't go back and pick through the trash once it's made it to the dump. 

Keep your eyes forward - keep moving in that direction.

There are no answers to be offered that will ever make sense. You know that but she's appealing to that old you that loved her.


----------



## LongWalk

TCSRedhead said:


> There's a reason people are exes. We don't go back and pick through the trash once it's made it to the dump.
> 
> Keep your eyes forward - keep moving in that direction.
> 
> There are no answers to be offered that will ever make sense. You know that but she's appealing to that old you that loved her.


:iagree:
TCSRedhead, no doubt it people have accidentally thrown out valuable things in the trash and then debated whether to go and root about in the stench. For a record collection or saxophone, I could see it, but if the lost item were a wedding ring, most would agree it better to just buy new one. 

In this case the ex is simply looking entertainment and affirmation.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Tryingtobreath said:


> I'm still waiting to hear back from my cousin whom ex had contacted. I want to know exactly what was said. It will give me greater insight as to WHY she wants to meet.


No it won't. You just complained that she kept their contact secret. Now, you suddenly expect something that will help? You'll get a hedged story that will benefit your ex.

Just go and quit hurting your other relationships. You'll end up with no cousin and a wife you still want.


----------



## Shaggy

I'd go to dinner and while sitting across from her I'd send the email exposing to the OMW, but you said you refuse to aid that poor woman or warn her that her husband is cheating.


----------



## BobSimmons

Honestly, you managed some semblance of moving on with your life, now you want to get dragged back to point zero again.
Emotions..wow, it' like getting kicked in the nuts, letting the pain subside then asking to be kicked in the nuts again...for "closure"

You won't get your closure, she'll most likely go back to him and you'll be left trying to put back the band aid over that freshly healed torn wound that took so long to heal.


----------



## TCSRedhead

LongWalk said:


> :iagree:
> TCSRedhead, no doubt it people have accidentally thrown out valuable things in the trash and then debated whether to go and root about in the stench. For a record collection or saxophone, I could see it, but if the lost item were a wedding ring, most would agree it better to just buy new one.
> 
> In this case the ex is simply looking entertainment and affirmation.


Ok, I should have been more explicit. No one goes to the dump and digs around for the used tissue they threw away. LOL!

The exception really only proves the case, ya know?


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Shouldn't I face the demon now that I have the chance though? Tell her what I think of her etc? Hear what she has to say?

I've been in limbo since she left. She said she was unhappy but things weren't bad at all. I'm trying to figure out if her being unhappy was because of the affair or really me. Maybe I can get this answer. Maybe lies. But don't I have to try for my own sanity?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

look unless you wish to sit there and listen to a bunch of blameshifting I really wouldn't go


----------



## Mike11

Just go and get over with this, either way not likely that she wants to return to you and you are in a different place, just go and listen


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Face the dragon?

This isn't like overcoming a fear of flying or heights.

People aren't supposed to give up addictions and then test themselves by drinking or doing drugs again. If you want to go; go. Your current reasons can be done over the phone, through a text or sent by email.


----------



## LongWalk

Tryingtobreath said:


> Shouldn't I face the demon now that I have the chance though? Tell her what I think of her etc? Hear what she has to say?
> 
> I've been in limbo since she left. She said she was unhappy but things weren't bad at all. I'm trying to figure out if her being unhappy was because of the affair or really me. Maybe I can get this answer. Maybe lies. But don't I have to try for my own sanity?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why torture yourself. Go. It will hurt but sometimes we do things that we know will hurt us.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Tryingtobreath said:


> Shouldn't I face the demon now that I have the chance though? Tell her what I think of her etc? Hear what she has to say?
> 
> I've been in limbo since she left. She said she was unhappy but things weren't bad at all. I'm trying to figure out if her being unhappy was because of the affair or really me. Maybe I can get this answer. Maybe lies. But don't I have to try for my own sanity?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The demons will still be there and you will be in a greater limbo.

The feelings that you have for her is clearly not mutual.

You will get no 'closure' from this dinner - and maybe a lot more hurt. Let your wounds heal and move on with your life. (You also appear to have a serious case of 'oneitis' - i.e., 'she's the one and true love for me.')

Sometimes, you just have to leave the demons alone. I don't really like snakes yet I see no reason to visit a snake pit just to battle this 'demon' that don't affect my everyday life.

Bottom line, go if your really want to but expect to feel worse afterwards.

I'm outta here.


----------



## JCD

Tryingtobreath said:


> Shouldn't I face the demon now that I have the chance though? Tell her what I think of her etc? Hear what she has to say?
> 
> I've been in limbo since she left. She said she was unhappy but things weren't bad at all. I'm trying to figure out if her being unhappy was because of the affair or really me. Maybe I can get this answer. Maybe lies. But don't I have to try for my own sanity?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who are you trying to convince, strangers on the Internet or yourself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TCSRedhead

Tryingtobreath said:


> Shouldn't I face the demon now that I have the chance though? Tell her what I think of her etc? Hear what she has to say?
> 
> I've been in limbo since she left. She said she was unhappy but things weren't bad at all. I'm trying to figure out if her being unhappy was because of the affair or really me. Maybe I can get this answer. Maybe lies. But don't I have to try for my own sanity?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is manipulation on her part. She wants to know that whenever she calls, you'll come running no matter what your reasoning is to go. She wins, you lose. 

There are no answers for her behavior. She did it because she was selfish and cruel. Tah-dah - answer received! 

You're letting your own little rationalization hamster run on that wheel trying to justify a reason to go back. 

Sanity is keeping the door closed on that chapter and moving forward to the new and better chapters ahead of you.


----------



## Jasel

Tryingtobreath said:


> Shouldn't I face the demon now that I have the chance though? Tell her what I think of her etc? Hear what she has to say?
> 
> I've been in limbo since she left. She said she was unhappy but things weren't bad at all. I'm trying to figure out if her being unhappy was because of the affair or really me. Maybe I can get this answer. Maybe lies. But don't I have to try for my own sanity?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You aren't in limbo if you're divorced and she's living and sleeping with someone else. What good would any of those answers do for you even if you got them?? I think you're wind up going despite your claims to the contrary and there's no right or wrong decision in regards to that. It's completely up to you. I have a feeling you're going to regret it but I could be wrong (it happens occasionally ).

This woman sending you a single email sounds like it's already messing with your sanity. I'm not sure what you expect to accomplish by meeting with her. You need to stop relying on the woman who screwed you over and is divorced from you to dictate your emotional state, well being, and expect her to help you figure things out. That doesn't sound too far off from co-dependance.

I still stand by what I originally said. Don't reply or at most leave it at "Not interested" and keep living your life.


----------



## MarriedTex

Tryingtobreath said:


> Shouldn't I face the demon now that I have the chance though? Tell her what I think of her etc? Hear what she has to say?
> 
> I've been in limbo since she left. She said she was unhappy but things weren't bad at all. I'm trying to figure out if her being unhappy was because of the affair or really me. Maybe I can get this answer. Maybe lies. But don't I have to try for my own sanity?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Obviously, you need closure. So do it.

But, the folks on the board here are warning you that "closure" will come with a price of pain. We can sit here and tell you not to put your hand on the hot stove. Curiousity compels you to do it anyway.

I expect that you'll have a better understanding of what we're all saying after your dinner with her.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

Tryingtobreath said:


> Shouldn't I face the demon now that I have the chance though? Tell her what I think of her etc? Hear what she has to say?
> 
> I've been in limbo since she left. She said she was unhappy but things weren't bad at all. I'm trying to figure out if her being unhappy was because of the affair or really me. Maybe I can get this answer. Maybe lies. But don't I have to try for my own sanity?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It will be lies, she is going to tell you what she wants you to hear for her own benefit, there will be no closure.

I still say no, going lets her know she still has some control over you. If she happens to pop up anyway just be prepared to deal with that then but she doesn't deserve for you to go out of your way for her. 

Don't worry, this won't be the last you'd hear from her. If you are still in limbo then you may not be emotionally prepared to deal with her face to face.


----------



## domah

Tryingtobreath said:


> Shouldn't I face the demon now that I have the chance though? Tell her what I think of her etc? Hear what she has to say?
> 
> I've been in limbo since she left. She said she was unhappy but things weren't bad at all. I'm trying to figure out if her being unhappy was because of the affair or really me. Maybe I can get this answer. Maybe lies. But don't I have to try for my own sanity?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Depends on what you want. Do you want to move forward w/o her? If so, then absolutely no. Do not meet her, there is no reason to and its going to be a waste of your time.

If are entertaining a fantasy about you and her getting back together, then go ahead an meet her. In all likelihood, doing this will only cause you more emotional wounds. Why you would want to re-open old emotional wounds that are beginning to heal is beyond me, but to each his own.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

I've decided to just not contact her back.

If she drops in so be it. But I know in my heart and head there is no going back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma

Tryingtobreath said:


> I've decided to just not contact her back.
> 
> If she drops in so be it. But I know in my heart and head there is no going back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A most excellent choice.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

So talked with cousin. Ex contacted her the day after her invite to dinner. 
Basically it started with how's the family doing. Give your parents a hug from me. Then cousin says she (cousin) misses ex (I know I know) at family functions. Ex responds I really did love ex husband (me) but we grew apart. (Affair doesn't help, right?!)



That was about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad

Keep looking forward and you will find your path to happiness. 

Good luck
Wd.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tryingtobreath

The more I read about bipolar the more ex fits the patterns. Almost uncannily. 

She's admitted something is wrong with her and years ago was diagnosed w ADHD. I tend to think its bipolar. I won't get into the details but strongly suspecting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Headspin

Tryingtobreath said:


> The more I read about bipolar the more ex fits the patterns. Almost uncannily.
> 
> She's admitted something is wrong with her and years ago was diagnosed w ADHD. I tend to think its bipolar. I won't get into the details but strongly suspecting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It does tend to be a mix of various disorders but with one in particular a bit more intensive.

It is quite shocking to see once it's established how obviously their behaviors fit certain clinically known patterns 

Quite remarkable

btw well done on the choice. You're salvaging your future there:smthumbup:


----------



## MovingAhead

I have both ADHD and I am bipolar. ADHD is the dog in up who has a hard time keeping attention... 'squirrel'

Bipolar - My moods change and I cannot help it. I can be happy and there can be an undertone of depression or anger and I know it's just my brain acting the way it does so I wait for it to pass...

Funny though, none of those things made me cheat... I was always loyal to my EX. Don't look for excuses for someone on why they cheated or did bad things. The right answer is probably the most obvious. I just don't think you want to face that. Your EX was a cheater and thought you weren't worth her time. She did really bad things to you because under it all, she is selfish.

Move on. There are plenty of wonderful women out there


----------



## Tryingtobreath

I guess I'm not looking for excuses just more the possibility that there is something more going on. 

I've read a lot about the hyper sexuality that occurs during mania. Also the spending etc. it's all there. 

I wonder if anyone could chime in who is diagnosed bipolar who has experienced looking for an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

I'm bipolar but my affair seeking was revenge related

I do firmly believe that while my mood swings are difficult to manage and even out of my control, I will always have to take responsibility for my actions


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## Tryingtobreath

Absolutely there needs to be responsibility 

Just reading about bipolar was really eye opening. I always though the cycles were really short lived but this isn't so apparently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Tryingtobreath said:


> Absolutely there needs to be responsibility
> 
> Just reading about bipolar was really eye opening. I always though the cycles were really short lived but this isn't so apparently.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


TTB, really it hasn't been that long since you were cheated on by and divorced your XW. You still love her. I know you do. Heck I've been divorced from my XW since '96 and I still love her. She put me through the ringer and ripped my heart out, but I know I still love her, on some level. I tried to hate her back then, but I just coudn't make it stick.

We've had to stay in contact due to our Daughter, so it was probably for the best that I didn't hate her anyway. I also know, that if we had dinner tonight, it would not be the start, or finish to anything. It would just be dinner. I did pine for her for a while after out D, but I got over that when I realized I pining more for the lost marriage then just her.

For you on the other hand it's different. The pain is still fresh and you still love her, far more than you probably would like to.

If you go on this dinner, don't expect closure, don't expect her to be trying to rekindle your relationship and don't expect to leave that restaurant feeling any better about your XW's affair, your divorce, or your XW. It's very doubtful that you'll leave there feeling better about anything.

I think you realize this already, but you still want to go. If you do end up going. Just prepare yourself for some more pain. Your XW probably has no intentions of hurting you again, but it's what's going to end up happening anyway. She may just want to catch up on things. Who knows, maybe she want's to give you a heart felt apology about what she did to you.

What ever the reason is that she want's to meet with you, you have to realize that you are going to be in pain when it's all said in done. There's no way around this.


----------



## Thundarr

Tryingtobreath said:


> So talked with cousin. Ex contacted her the day after her invite to dinner.
> Basically it started with how's the family doing. Give your parents a hug from me. Then cousin says she (cousin) misses ex (I know I know) at family functions. Ex responds I really did love ex husband (me) but we grew apart. (Affair doesn't help, right?!)
> 
> 
> 
> That was about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is scary news for you Samsung. Notice how she didn't actually take blame for anything. She gave you half of it. 

You're still hung up on her and if she's not done with you yet and she comes back, she has no reason not to repeat the cycle. The new-nest and happiness of a second chance will be the reward for all she's done. That's the definition of rewarding bad behavior.


----------



## Blue Firefly

Thundarr said:


> This is scary news for you Samsung. Notice how she didn't actually take blame for anything. She gave you half of it.
> 
> You're still hung up on her and if she's not done with you yet and she comes back, she has no reason not to repeat the cycle. The new-nest and happiness of a second chance will be the reward for all she's done. That's the definition of rewarding bad behavior.


If he has explained everything that happened to his family, I don't think there is a danger. They'll hear what she is saying, and realize she is a liar. They will work to protect HIM by discouraging him from having anything to do with her.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Ex thinks my family thinks the divorce was based on her being unhappy. She's not aware that anyone knows of the affair. 


Yes I want to see her. Yes I want her back.These feelings are probably normal, albeit irrational. But I know this is not someone I should be with. I'm not going nor responding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TCSRedhead

Tryingtobreath said:


> Ex thinks my family thinks the divorce was based on her being unhappy. She's not aware that anyone knows of the affair.
> 
> 
> Yes I want to see her. Yes I want her back.These feelings are probably normal, albeit irrational. But I know this is not someone I should be with. *I'm not going nor responding.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good - this is the first step in starting to protect YOUR heart. You've been badly abused and it's going to take time to heal. 

Her actions and behaviors (even now) are continuing to be abusive and lack any sense that she'd give you the information and closure you'd desperately want as an outcome.


----------



## terrence4159

dude just go whats the worst thing that could happen you will have a new thread on how bad you want her back and we will have something to talk about for a few months your new thread may get to 300 pages


----------



## happyman64

Tryingtobreath said:


> Ex thinks my family thinks the divorce was based on her being unhappy. She's not aware that anyone knows of the affair.
> 
> 
> Yes I want to see her. Yes I want her back.These feelings are probably normal, albeit irrational. But I know this is not someone I should be with. I'm not going nor responding.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe the next time your ex speaks to your cousin she can ask your ex how her relationship with the POSOM turned out....

Maybe she will no longer call your family then.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Yeah I'm having some issues with my cousin. She always saw ex as the sister she never had. My family is somewhat baffled as to why there is still the VERY random text or message. 

Going to happy hour with a sexy 24 year old at a Mexican restaurant tonight. She's 10 years younger than I. I need to be present and not think of this vile ex of mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

TTB, you said that you would not reply to, or meet your XW for dinner. I know it was a tough choice to make. I think it is the right choice, for now anyway. I felt a long time ago, like you are feeling right now. Believe me, this is the right choice.

If she really want's to talk, or meet with you, she will keep trying. If this is the case, she might actually tell you in advance what she want's to talk to/see you about. I'm guessing her wanting to meet with you is for her benifit, not yours. Continue to put yourself and your needs before her's and you'll be much better off.

I would be interested in hearing if she tries contacting you agian in the future. Take care.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Thanks. I'll post back if she re-emails or drops in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl

Tell her to send you a gift card for your fave restaurant.

Screw her. She wants to dump her guilt and feel better about the situation.


----------



## Thundarr

that_girl said:


> *Tell her to send you a gift card for your fave restaurant.*


it would be so awesome for you to do this T2B. Even if you don't, tell us you did


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Well she came and left. I never responded to her email. I did see her drive by my house though. Pretty sure. 

Why do I feel like crap now? Is it bc I feel that if she really wanted to see me she woulda found a way but didn't?

Will I ever hear from her again? 

Sad over here today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Juicer

I imagine it is two part. 

One part of you, wanted to show her what she lost. What she gave up by being a cheating sloot. And you wanted to rub it in her face that you were still desirable, still wanted, and could still get women that wanted you. But you choose to not do that, but instead, just ignore her. You choose to hold your hand, and do nothing. Probably the wisest decision out of the ones you had.

And second part, is deep down, you were hoping she would fight for you. That she would come by, and say how much she messed up her life, and how she misses you, and wishes she hadn't done what she did, and how she is such an idiot, and how she wants her husband, her ex-husband, back, and how she would give an arm and leg to have you back. And you were hoping that from this, you could maybe get closure on the affair, and figure everything out. 

Instead, all you got was nothing. 

Perhaps it is better that way. 
Better to have nothing done to you to make you question yourself further, than to have it the opposite.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Thanks juicer. The second part especially. I wanted that so badly regardless of wanting to R or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

Juicer said:


> I imagine it is two part.
> 
> One part of you, wanted to show her what she lost. What she gave up by being a cheating sloot. And you wanted to rub it in her face that you were still desirable, still wanted, and could still get women that wanted you. But you choose to not do that, but instead, just ignore her. You choose to hold your hand, and do nothing. Probably the wisest decision out of the ones you had.
> 
> And second part, is deep down, you were hoping she would fight for you. That she would come by, and say how much she messed up her life, and how she misses you, and wishes she hadn't done what she did, and how she is such an idiot, and how she wants her husband, her ex-husband, back, and how she would give an arm and leg to have you back. And you were hoping that from this, you could maybe get closure on the affair, and figure everything out.
> 
> Instead, all you got was nothing.
> 
> Perhaps it is better that way.
> Better to have nothing done to you to make you question yourself further, than to have it the opposite.


You have come a long way Juicer.

And TTB. You know how damaged your ex is.

She is also a coward.

Did you really expect any more from her than nothing???

You stay on track. 

And have an awesome life with someone that deserves you, that respects you and loves you.


----------



## Tryingtobreath

But is she really damaged? This is what I keep fighting with. Yes there was an affair, but was I somehow responsible? Or did the affair cause our demise? 

I keep feeling that if only I was good enough in some respect this wouldn't have happened. We both truly felt that we were supposed to have met and mutuly felt the other was "the one". 
I do have some good qualities, but maybe if I had been more affectionate etc. 

Was the affair the reason or just collateral damage? Yes she could've broken things off prior to an affair but where would she have gone? It's a small town and her well paying job is here. She felt trapped. Everything I read says crappy relationships cause affairs, but sometimes don't affairs cause crappy marriages?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BK23

Tryingtobreath said:


> But is she really damaged? This is what I keep fighting with. Yes there was an affair, but was I somehow responsible? Or did the affair cause our demise?
> 
> I keep feeling that if only I was good enough in some respect this wouldn't have happened. We both truly felt that we were supposed to have met and mutuly felt the other was "the one".
> I do have some good qualities, but maybe if I had been more affectionate etc.
> 
> Was the affair the reason or just collateral damage? Yes she could've broken things off prior to an affair but where would she have gone? It's a small town and her well paying job is here. She felt trapped. Everything I read says crappy relationships cause affairs, but sometimes don't affairs cause crappy marriages?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look, Dude, I'm not a mental health professional, but reading your threads I can say with confidence that (a) your ex-wife probably has a mental illness/ personality disorder and/or (b) is a fvcking despicable person. 

Don't cause yourself anymore pain. You've already had enough of that. Time to stop agonizing over someone who did not deserve you.


----------



## MattMatt

Tryingtobreath said:


> But is she really damaged? This is what I keep fighting with. Yes there was an affair, but was I somehow responsible? Or did the affair cause our demise?
> 
> I keep feeling that if only I was good enough in some respect this wouldn't have happened. We both truly felt that we were supposed to have met and mutuly felt the other was "the one".
> I do have some good qualities, but maybe if I had been more affectionate etc.
> 
> Was the affair the reason or just collateral damage? Yes she could've broken things off prior to an affair but where would she have gone? It's a small town and her well paying job is here. She felt trapped. Everything I read says crappy relationships cause affairs, but sometimes don't affairs cause crappy marriages?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It takes two to make a relationship work, but it only needs one to destroy it.


----------



## lordmayhem

Tryingtobreath said:


> Thanks juicer. The second part especially. I wanted that so badly regardless of wanting to R or not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wanted the exact same thing from my ex-wife. I wanted closure. I wanted to know why the hell was she having an affair with her college classmate. I wished she would come home and tell me how wrong she was, ask for forgiveness. I got nothing. 

In retrospect, it was better that way. That way you aren't strung along with False R over and over again. Eventually, you will reach the point of out of sight, out of mind.

Cold turkey is the way to go.


----------



## terrence4159

i never got any closure heck i never got an im sorry for cheating. the closest thing i got was my XWwas talking to my wife and told my wife "yep cheating on him was the biggest mistake i made in my life" my wife "thank god you did he is the best thing to ever happen to me"


----------



## Tryingtobreath

Great story Terrance!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

terrence4159 said:


> i never got any closure heck i never got an im sorry for cheating. the closest thing i got was my XWwas talking to my wife and told my wife *"yep cheating on him was the biggest mistake i made in my life" my wife "thank god you did he is the best thing to ever happen to me*"


That is so awesome! Wow, it sounds like you really traded up when you married her.  What a catch.


----------



## warlock07

terrence4159 said:


> i never got any closure heck i never got an im sorry for cheating. the closest thing i got was my XWwas talking to my wife and told my wife "yep cheating on him was the biggest mistake i made in my life" my wife "thank god you did he is the best thing to ever happen to me"


Are they best friends?


----------



## happyman64

Tryingtobreath said:


> But is she really damaged? This is what I keep fighting with. Yes there was an affair, but was I somehow responsible? Or did the affair cause our demise?
> 
> I keep feeling that if only I was good enough in some respect this wouldn't have happened. We both truly felt that we were supposed to have met and mutuly felt the other was "the one".
> I do have some good qualities, but maybe if I had been more affectionate etc.
> 
> Was the affair the reason or just collateral damage? Yes she could've broken things off prior to an affair but where would she have gone? It's a small town and her well paying job is here. She felt trapped. Everything I read says crappy relationships cause affairs, but sometimes don't affairs cause crappy marriages?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In many affairs you will come to see that BS had very little to do with the marriage issues or the Affair.

The WS is broken/damaged. They are so unhappy with themselves in their own life that they make very bad choices.

That is what kills a marriage.

Those selfish decisions that are made without any regard for their spouse, their marriage and any times their family.

So in time you need to accept that you had nothing to do with her poor decisions.

When two people love each other and respect each other they communicate what is making them unhappy. 

And then figure out how to support each other so both individuals are happy while together.

It is called teamwork.

But as soon as one person starts making those decisions on their own without any regard for their partner well you know what happens.

So know you could not ave done anything nor were you the reason she made those poor decisions.

People get selfish. Your exwife did....


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## happyman64

terrence4159 said:


> i never got any closure heck i never got an im sorry for cheating. the closest thing i got was my XWwas talking to my wife and told my wife "yep cheating on him was the biggest mistake i made in my life" my wife "thank god you did he is the best thing to ever happen to me"


Terrence

I like your wife.

A lot!

HM64


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## Tryingtobreath

Thanks happy man. That's what I needed to hear and need to focus on. 

The fact she said "there's something wrong with ME" speaks volumes. My interpretation is "I lack boundaries and cheat"
She told me from day one she had low self esteem. Also that she had numerous onss in her past. 
When we first started out, she told me that prior to meeting me she never wanted to be married. After meeting me etc she "now knows what it feels like to want to be married". I think originally I was her white knight, saving her from a miserable single life due to not be able to be committed. Then her true self took over again. 
She told me at dday that her counselor told her to make a list of traits she wanted in her mate. I believe the counselor probably thinks the issue is ex wife's not finding the right guy yet, when really the issue goes deeper. Absolutely not boasting but I've been told I'm an incredible catch. And there was no emotional or physical abuse of any kind. In fact I really can't figure out what it was that I lacked in the relationship. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustGrinding

Tryingtobreath said:


> Everything I read says crappy relationships cause affairs . . .


This ^ is horse sh!t.



Tryingtobreath said:


> In fact I really can't figure out what it was that I lacked in the relationship.


 And as long as you engage in this ^ type of incessant, fruitless navel-gazing, this:



Tryingtobreath said:


> Absolutely not boasting but I've been told I'm an incredible catch.


. . . cannot possibly be true.

Your ex-wife is a selfish woman who doesn't understand happiness is a pursuit, not a destination, so is destined to live her life burning bridges and collecting stones of regret until she has no place left to go and smothers under the weight of her own inhumanity.

There's nothing wrong with you, other than a slight case of Stockholm syndrome. You escaped, TTB. Be thankful. Go live.


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## Tryingtobreath

JG. 
Thanks bud. 

This site is an immense help. 

No one quit understands the emotions involved unless they've been thru it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Tryingtobreath said:


> Thanks happy man. That's what I needed to hear and need to focus on.
> 
> The fact she said "there's something wrong with ME" speaks volumes. My interpretation is "I lack boundaries and cheat"
> She told me from day one she had low self esteem. Also that she had numerous onss in her past.
> When we first started out, she told me that prior to meeting me she never wanted to be married. After meeting me etc she "now knows what it feels like to want to be married". I think originally I was her white knight, saving her from a miserable single life due to not be able to be committed. Then her true self took over again.
> She told me at dday that her counselor told her to make a list of traits she wanted in her mate. I believe the counselor probably thinks the issue is ex wife's not finding the right guy yet, when really the issue goes deeper. Absolutely not boasting but I've been told I'm an incredible catch. And there was no emotional or physical abuse of any kind. In fact I really can't figure out what it was that I lacked in the relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like I said you are not the issue.

And if her counselor told her that she has not found the right "one" that will keep her in a committed relationship well I really feel sorry for your ex now.

Because she will keep looking forever, she will keep cheating and having one night stands.
hopefully your ex will fix herself.

She did say "I have a problem. It's me." 

At least she knows that.

Now you need to let her go so you can have the life you deserve.

Good luck finding the "one". They are out there. I speak from experience.....


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## Acabado

Tryingtobreath, you XW was cheating on you during your engagement, she married you while she had another man elsewere, she was cheating on you honeymoon... there's no excuse, no one can accept any blame for this.
Them she chose the cowards way, to move away in order to just not deal with it, with herself.
She will never stop cheating. Ever.
Please, her ways have no reflexion on you. Zero.


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