# Herpes Impacting the Marriage



## sfpa65 (Sep 15, 2016)

I know there have been other threads on this over the years, but here goes. We learned two years ago that my wife has genital HSV2. I believe her that it was from before our marriage. We had a pretty solid marriage up until then, although the previous five years had been more rocky (her grief over losing family members manifested as constant dissatisfaction with me, my initiating sex was constantly rebuffed, etc). The HSV thing has messed up our marriage pretty bad. 

My wife has shown almost zero interest in understanding the medical realities of this disease/virus. I knew more about it three hours after she told me, just from going online, than she does now. Her way of rationalizing it is, it's no big deal (which is what the doctors tell you, but they aren't going to get Herpes for offering that opinion). Trust me, from the outside looking in, it's a big deal. If the psychological impact of a diagnosis is heavy, think about the prospect of getting it courtesy of one of your spouse' former lovers. 

Her other thing is that the odds of my getting it are almost zero. I needed her to help me find a way to be at peace with it, with the risk, but she perceived this as an attack. Actually the odds for men are 1%, maybe 2% per year with condoms and medication for her, over 15 years that's close to a 15% chance—maybe much more— of being infected. (After many years of unprotected sex I am so far uninfected). The biggest impasse I guess is that the only thing that makes here feel o.k. about herself (no big deal, no chance of my becoming infected) comes across as a total dismissal of my perspective. She has said she wishes she never told me about the diagnosis, which is obviously heinous. When she got a "yeast infection" she self diagnosed that it was nothing .. but when she called the doctor, the doctor said double up on your anti-HSV2 medication. 

As someone else said, I feel like I am paying the price for someone else's fun times with my wife. Sex with condoms only and with the threat of becoming infected hanging over my head. I allowed so much of my identity to become wrapped up in the marriage. We don't have kids, married late in life. I made a choice to go all in on this relationship even though it meant I would never have children. I feel like I am in a continual slow motion train wreck of an emotional breakdown, grieving over the loss of my happy marriage. The marriage is intact, it's just the happy part that is lacking. I am sick with grief all the time and I just don't know what to do. 

I have been to a couple of therapists and their view seems to be, yep you are in a really bad situation. 

Any advice is much appreciated—please be kind.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I'm sorry, but am confused on the time of diagnosis and years together...

<removed>


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## sfpa65 (Sep 15, 2016)

*message deleted*


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

<removed>

It does the ages, thank you, but not the outbreak discovery... so you are not currently HSV-2 infected?

From the CDC:
_How do people get genital herpes?

Infections are transmitted through contact with lesions, mucosal surfaces, genital secretions, or oral secretions. HSV-1 and HSV-2 can also be shed from skin that looks normal. Generally, a person can only get HSV-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital HSV-2 infection. Transmission most commonly occurs from an infected partner who does not have visible sores and who may not know that he or she is infected. In persons with asymptomatic HSV-2 infections, genital HSV shedding occurs on 10% of days, and on most of those days the person has no signs or symptoms._

So... how did it stay recessive so long to just have a discovery only 2 years ago? My wife is HSV-1 prone from childhood but in the 28 years together I've been resistant it seems.

I'll have to do some research and reading on HSV-2... is it the fear of contracting that worries you the most or her nonchalance toward you with it (maybe both)?

Maybe I'm still puzzled on the only finding out about it two years ago?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm trying to see both sides here although we lack your wife's opinion. 

Was she honest about her sexual past before her diagnosis, or was that also new info for you? 

Some here think a sexual past has no business being revealed in a future relationship, but I personally disagree and your story is why. 

Life is inherently risky, and unfortunately there are a lot of STDs and other bad things that are rampant. She could have a "no big deal" attitude because that is the reality we currently live in. Not attempting to see things from your perspective is not very empathetic of her, but if you're making her feel regret for telling the truth, I'd say to tread carefully. Good communication requires listening with compassion, especially to things you DON'T want to hear. When you react negatively to her truth, it makes her feel criticized for her feelings. She's allowed to feel how she does about her situation, just as you're allowed to feel how you do about it. You can both come to terms with how differently you each handle and own your feelings. 

The fact you aren't having sex is an impending death knell to the relationship. You may as well get divorce papers ready imo. Sex is the important glue that bonds and holds couples together. If you're not having sex, you're just roommates. 

I suspect you are disgusted with your wife on some level... Inside she may think you are repulsed by not wanting sex with her. You're injecting regrets into your post about marrying her and not having children. You knew the age disparity, and your sacrifice in marrying a woman past safe childbearing years (or maybe didn't want children?) was YOUR CHOICE.

I'd like you to really, really think: What change on her part would better encourage you to have sex with her? What kind of change in her would lessen your feeling that her attitude is poor and build your love for her? Would anything she does at this point really change your attitude or actions? Be honest with the answer you give yourself. 

If it were you that was diagnosed, how do you think she might react?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

When did SHE learn she had herpes?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

So how bad would becoming infected really be for you?

For most people, having HSV2 really isn't a very big problem. Perhaps one flare up a year, with no other significant long term health issues (with the rate exception). The stigma turns out to be worse than the disease, but you're in a long term committed relationship, so who cares?

Just as an aside, your long term computation of risk is wrong. The formula to use is p=(1-r)^n, where p is the probability of infection, r is the risk per year, and n is the number of years, assuming every year is independent from the previous for risk (you don't stop using condoms or something like that). Round numbers for 2% a year risk give you about a 50/50 chance of infection over about 35 years together. Less of course for higher risk. 

If you haven't already been there, visit racoon.com for the original herpes home page, with information and talk forums with people who have and are married to those who have it. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Several problems:

Yours: Retroactive jealousy is killing you, and is completely misplaced. You should seek help for it. Also, your resentment sounds like it has been building for some time prior to the discovery of the HSV.

Hers: At the beginning of the thread, I thought maybe she just was ashamed of herself, and wanted to avoid reality. Reading further into your post, it is clear she resents you. Why? What has she expressed displeasure about over the last several years?

Both: It sounds like your love for each other was waning prior to this episode. Why?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you have to step back and look at the scenario more objectively.

1. Did you know about her sex life before you? She was 45 when you married so is likely to have had a sex life before you
2. This is very difficult for you but I am sure it is more so for her and maybe she is in denial and not handling the news very well. 
3. Instead of judging her and being all concerned about yourself, maybe she doesn't feel very safe opening up to you about this.
4. if she had been diagnosed with a non sexual infectious disease would your reaction have been the same?

Just some things to think about, you seem to be blaming her, making judgement about her, etc which I believe are unwarranted and not the reaction of a loving husband who wants to work through something that affects both of you. You said she felt attacked, to me that sounds like you didn't handle the matter in a very loving way? 

However, from reading your posts I see other 'red flags' as to your disatisfaction and it is not just this matter. You seem to be resentful of her

1. you married someone older than you
2. sacrificed having no kids
3. "After it became apparent that she was only seeking to maximize her own well being and self image, I stopped sleeping with her" not sure what you mean by this, but there is something deeper going on here? Has she been the leader in the marriage?

The diagnosis is just the icing on the cake, you feel you are getting and have been getting the wrong end of the stick for a long time and this is just the last straw?


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Imho because of the state of mind you are in your M is doomed.

You want to be at peace with it but it seems that the only way would either be not knowing about the infection and carrying on like in the years before the diagnosis or the infection going away. Both things won't happen. So there is no chance for you to be at peace.

Now you are focussing your fear of an infection, your resentment about her being infected, about you not having kids, maybe subconcious fear of an affair and all other stuff that may have festered underneath on her. Add some kind of midlife crisis and a self-pity-party and you end up where you are right now. You don't sound like you had that great of a marriage.

Most of it is not really fair, why no STD test at the beginning of the relationship when you wanted to start having unprotected sex? Your decision.
Marrying a woman near or already in menopause or not wanting more children? Your decision.
Age difference? Your decision.

Staying with her? Your decision. You are responsible for your life and ultimately that's the decision you have to make, because a sexless marriage with you resenting her and her feeling rejected by you is not a way to live.

As for your wife, from your story it seems that she goes through the same. She resents you, for whatever reason, thinks that you will break up etc. Should make the decision easier.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Since she has brought up breaking up the marriage…
You can still have kids with someone else. Get into shape, date/fall in love with a woman in her mid 30s+ whoever you have a connection with. You still want a child? You’re a few years older than me and I have a toddler. 

So you pretty much been together since you were 27 – if you wanted a child before marriage – that is a legitimate deciding factor.

I will bring up something else… thou.
Why was the herpes just now show up on a test? Have you ever notice any symptoms?
With the past 5 years being rocky, sexless, drama, etc. Some of those things can easily lead to infidelity.

If so, a recent sexual partner other than you, could have infected her.

You want a kid, you need to get out now. If you get herpes, your dating pool shrinks big time.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

TaDor said:


> Since she has brought up breaking up the marriage…
> You can still have kids with someone else. Get into shape, date/fall in love with a woman in her mid 30s+ whoever you have a connection with. You still want a child? You’re a few years older than me and I have a toddler.
> 
> So you pretty much been together since you were 27 – if you wanted a child before marriage – that is a legitimate deciding factor.
> ...


I was going to post again but @TaDor sums up all that I was going to add.

Your target age should be mid 30's
Check for infidelity
Don't get infected or you will be screwed getting a future quality wife.

You are the same age as me. I would do the above.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't completely agree that the dating pool for a man in his fifties looking for a woman in her mid thirties is automatically terribly huge. That's a 16 year age difference.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Did some reading... quite common is this virus, never gave it a moment's thought with my wife and her's.

To add to your challenge, please do not forget that your wife is 10 years ahead of you. I am 54, wife 64, and around 58 my wife's desires went from twice a week to twice a month in her interest levels in what felt like almost overnight... now if your's faced the same drop from simply changes in life itself and then compound that with some marital problems and then add in this discovery of HVS-2... I can see where being mindful is going to take some work.

For her, I agree with others that she may see your abandonment as rejection for what you committed to (marriage) and is sure to build resentments toward you if she feels unaccepted, dirty and unloved over it.

Happiness doesn't just happen, it takes a lot of work, and mostly on self. It's easy to say "stop clinging to fears" but the reality is that is what it takes to appreciate those things in our life, and that is seen with true and unfiltered love.

Once you see the fears you have with this are no more than birds passing you in the sky, humbly apologize to your wife for allowing them in your way and offer her your open arms... you may find a rejuvenated love quite quickly. If it does take time though, give it that for that new seed to sprout in her heart, she will see the patience, compassion, and empathy in you and understand your love for her in an open field kind of clarity, and you will have a better understanding of "sickness and health". 

Be with peace...


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sounds like you actually know infidelity is a very big possibility. The red flags are all there. Loss and MLC often are strong triggers

I don't think you owe her anything, unlike other posters here. In your place, if my W showed so little disregard for me and my concerns, I would take that as a STRONG sign she has emotionally left the marriage.

I sense you know this and THAT is what is triggering your grief - you are going through the stages of grief and loss. That's a GOOD thing, though it sucks, because it opens up to a very bright future once you accept the loss of your marriage, love, life you expected, and loss of opportunity for family in your prime. Saying "you knew that when you married her" is a cop out - you are still allows to grieve the fact that you've been robbed of the life you were offered in exchange for this sacrifice.

Given this, I would clear my head, change course, and try the direct approach.

1-decide what you want. It can be several alternatives, any of which are acceptable, including leaving or staying on specific conditions. My conditions would include words and actions on her part showing she loves you, cares about your feelings and needs, provides reassurances that she has not strayed, or honesty if she did. Slacking on agreed to conditions would trigger a different outcome

2-ask her what she wants and needs and just listen. This could be very hard. Make sure she understands if she refuses to talk to you and open up then you are assuming what she wants and needs. Women here will tell you she needs to feel safe to do this; I believe that train has left the station and if so, you need to make that clear to her. Let her know what you assume she thinks. Let her talk and disagree, etc.

3- be prepared to move with your decisions OR completely change course if she comes back in to the relationship or opens up with information new to you. Either or but not wishy washy.

4-make sure your finances etc are IN ORDER first and protect yourself for the worst.

5-see a lawyer to gain independent perspective about what might happen in a separation or divorce in your jurisdiction. This could save you great angst.

Your gut is telling you something. Listen. Good luck


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Sfpa,

Given that you have been with your W 24 years, relationship and marriage, I find it difficult to believe your W contracted the herpes before the relationship with you.

Did you consider getting a polygraph for your W to determine that she did not cheat on you? 

Are you able to look at phone records and etc.?

She seems to have lost respect for you if she is willing to expose you to the virus without a second thought. Often times even though the affair ends the wayward spouse never again loves the betrayed spouse the way she did before the affair.

Tamat


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

Dude she cheated on you within the past few years, got herpes and doesn't care one bit about you or the affect it might have on your life.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

While symptoms of HSV-2 can not show for a long time, the "usual" time between infection and symptoms is two weeks. I have to agree with @silex that she probably cheated on you and now doesn't give a sh!t about you.

Sorry.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I don't completely agree that the dating pool for a man in his fifties looking for a woman in her mid thirties is automatically terribly huge. That's a 16 year age difference.


This. Be careful guys. It's possible to find many younger women, but most women in their 30s wanting children are extremely aware that older fathers can increase the risk of passing on genetic disease.

Not only that, but sperm motility, number, and normality decrease with age as well. IVF has got to be a strong consideration in this case.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

One in four women test positive for the herpes virus. Not everyone that is exposed has a breakout. Or they can have mild breakouts that are assumed to be yeast infections or some other irritation. A woman's body changes so much over time. The virus can lie dormant for many years and then peri menopause, the skin thinning, middle age stressors can bring it out. 

I'm in my late 40s and have several friends with the herpes virus. One had been with a teenage boyfriend and then married her husband. Her husband hadn't been with anyone else. She was 7 months pregnant and had an outbreak out of the blue. 

If you've had sex with anyone who's had sex with anyone you probably already were exposed. You just didn't have any tear or break in your skin to let the virus in. 

Having said all that if you are unhappy with your marriage then end your marriage. Find someone to have a baby with, require the blood tests that will make you comfortable, whatever it is. If you are that unhappy you aren't doing her any favors pretending that you are not.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

And really, it's no wonder suicidal thoughts and attempts are common after a herpes diagnosis. The social stigma is probably even worse than AIDS at this point. AIDS seems to garner sympathy in any case and it's ok to be out with your HIV and date others who are the same status. 

Herpes is like the worst thing that can happen to someone as far as Americans are concerned. We would need a society where one virgin could only be with one virgin to stop it.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Livvie said:


> I don't completely agree that the dating pool for a man in his fifties looking for a woman in her mid thirties is automatically terribly huge. That's a 16 year age difference.


I didn't say it was huge. I was come up with a general age in order for him to have a healthy child.
- One of my good friends is 65 years old, and dates women from age 22~45 or so. He's that good... older than me, and getting younger chicks than my wife.
- When my mom was about 25, her long term boyfriend was 55years old. 40 years later, she still misses him.
- I was 40 when I meet my future wife when she was 25 - six years ago. I am playing with our 2 year old while I'm typing this. At 46, I had started dating again when my wife cheated on me and we broke up (I say wife, because its easier to say - even thou we are no longer married) - I had some fun with a 28yr old, had eyes from a drunken 22yr old. Was dating a 33yr old. I had my freedom, but I wanted my wife, mother of my son - back more than easy / NSA sex.

The OP sacrificed having children for love with his wife. He gets points for that. Hell, my wife wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant and it was a high-risk pregnancy in which we almost lost him.

Larry King is having kids in his 80s... I think.

So, if you're a 51yr old male. Decent looks and steady personality and income. He can be attractive to women generally, age 33+... if the goal is to have a solid relationship and have a child. Each year over 30, the woman's biological clock is ticking down (higher risk of birth defects or viable births). A women in her early 30s, motherless - are aware of the childbearing years coming to an end... so they may be on the lookout for a good-father type male, especially someone who is dedicated to the family. But if he has Herpes, the number of available women that may say YES to dating him, and having children would be severely reduced... could be around 1/10 ~ 1/20th.

So if he meets a woman at age 33 in which they have common interests and personality compatibility. That gives them a year or so to see if they have a healthy relationship, want children... choose to get married if they want to (not required for pregnancy) and give birth within 2-3 years of meeting. But since he's been in a relationship for almost half his life, he should do NSA dating/sex for several months to work out kinks in what is compatible and to not be desperate, so alone can take 1~3 years to sort out.

I gotta go... a diaper to change. He's like a mini-me, 1/10th my mass.


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