# Should I just let this go?



## jka12 (Dec 28, 2015)

Hello everyone, I am new here and thought maybe this would be the place to bring up my concern.

My wife and I are 25 years old, have been married for 4 months, together for over a year. A couple of months ago, just after we got married, my wife told me that a friend of hers from the United States was in a city nearby on a business trip and texted her that he wanted to meet her. I asked her who this person was, and if they had met before, which I assumed they hadn't, and I was right (She is from Europe, afterall). She told me that she told him if he can come to our city (he was 90 minutes away), they could meet but she is unable to go to him due to having to work all day and it not being the closest commute after a long day. While I was glad she brought this up to me, after I asked her some things, I found out some interesting facts.

I learned that she has been talking to him longer than she has known me. I asked her if he knows she's married, and she said no. In summary of that, he has no idea I even exist. None whatsoever despite the fact that they text eachother multiple times a week throughout the day.

So I thought it was pretty strange that she's talking to another man this often who thinks she is single but I let it go for a while even though I couldn;t get it out of my head how she never revealed anything to this guy about us being married. 

Ever since then, I've noticed her texting him, it has annoyed me and caused a fight. We could be laying in bed watching a movie and I'll look over and see her respond to a text from him and then I'll get annoyed. I've told her multiple times I don't like her talking to a man that thinks she is single, when she isn't and I want her to tell him she is married. This has happened a bunch of times, and she always says something different. She tells me to just trust her because nothing inappropriate is taking place in these texts. Or when I ask her why she didn't tell him about me, she says "I don't consider him a close friend and I only tell my closest friends my business". Or, she'll tell me if she tells him she is married, he will stop talking to her and tshe is "tired of people not talking to her anymore" because I guess she was depressed her friends from back home don't message her much these days. Then, when I saw her texting him about a week ago, I said "so are you gonna tell him you're married?" she said "YES" but I know she has no intentions of doing that.

What can I do? I think I am done bringing this issue up, because no matter what I do, it's pointless to argue over the same thing when it's not going to get resolved. She just shells up, doesn't want to stop talking to this man but also doesn't want to tell him she is married. 

This man is 35 years old and not married, I highly doubt he sees her as just a friend, no matter how far away he is. I know it's bad, but I have checked the messages exchanged without her knowledge. I've seen a couple things

I've seen her receive a text by him that said "So what is the worst part about you physically?", I've seen a text by him saying "Come to Russia december 6th" (where she's from), I've seen where she has told him about her new job thats 45 minutes drive away and when he asked her how she'll get there, she said "Bus" even though I AM THE one driving her in the morning. And just recently, he asked "are you gonna celebrate christmas with your roommates?" So she led him to believe she's living in a house with random people, even though its with me.

I think she is an awesome girl and wife. She cooks, cleans, is caring to the point of putting everyones needs above her, she does literally EVERYTHING for me, so when I bring this issue up and it causes a fight, I actually feel bad for bringing it up and think that I should let it go. But I can't. I've also thouught about messaging this guy myself but I think she would hate me for it.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

jka12 said:


> I actually feel bad for bringing it up and think that I should let it go.


You're new here, aren't you...




jka12 said:


> I've also thought about messaging this guy myself...


Good idea. Let me know how it goes.




jka12 said:


> ...but I think she would hate me for it.


OOoohh...right. Can't have a wife get pissed at you for breaking off her affair. Much better to just be a crying baby about it. I think it's also called cuckold, but I'm not sure.


Sorry. Couldn't help it. She is in affair fog and has a husband that allows it to happen right in front of him. IN BED NEXT TO HIM.

E-mail him immediately. Do not tell her you are doing it. Do not allow her to warn him.

Some people even feel emotional affairs are worse than physical ones. In emotional affairs they are in love. Physical, they just want to get their rocks off and go home to the family.

Left nut vs. right nut, if you ask me.

No more Mr. Nice guy, dude. BLOW THIS UP!!!

Now.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Sorry. First let it go for a few days. Capturing screen shots all the while. Get evidence first. All you are now is a crybaby forcing her to give up her only friend.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

1) You have every right to be bothered by something, anything. "Normal" or not, you have that right.
2) You have every right to be bothered by your wife having flirty conversations with another man, and discussing getting together with him.
3) You have every reason to be bothered by him not knowing she is married.
4) You have every right and obligation to guard your marriage against outside interference and against unintentional actions by your wife which could easily lead down the road to emotional or sexual infidelity.

So don't feel bad that you have concerns, and don't feel like it is your place to suppress those concerns!

Next, anything which bleeds off emotional connection within the marriage is harmful. Your wife's relationship with this man is one of those things. She is giving emotion and time to this other man. She is harming the marriage by her actions, even if she has no intent to be unfaithful. In that way this is no different than if she were obsessed with a sport activity and spent all of her time being involved in it. The diversion of emotion and time from the marriage would be harmful.

On top of that, she is emotionally involved with him. This is shown by her arguing with you. If she truly prioritized you and the marriage, if she truly was concerned about your emotional distress, she would be willing to drop this friendship with the other man. Instead she argues with you about it. That shows she has an emotional connection to him and her relationship with him. This is an Emotional Affair.

If you don't set a boundary on this, and hold it, things will only get much worse.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Intuition is usually right.

You've got 2 options. 

1. Wait it out, waiting in silence and keeping tabs on her every move. This will reveal her true colors to you. But you cannot say or show anything to her or she will become very good at hiding it. 

2. Put an end to it right now as in "never contact this guy again, for any reason or I walk" And stick to it if she does contact him. 


To be honest, It doesn't sound like she wants to be married.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

If this were truly a "friendship" she wouldn't be telling him that she rides the bus to work and lives with some room mates.

Shes's keeping you hidden from him for a reason.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Yeah, what an awesome wife, she lies about being married to some guy she has been stringing along for over a year who obviously wants to hook up with her, and she's brave enough to tell you she wants to meet him. Sounds like a real keeper.

Are you nuts? How could this possibly end well or be of benefit to your marriage? If she was a happily married woman she would have stopped communicating with this guy and told him she is now married. I would bet money if he knew she was married he would lose interest, so that's why she isn't telling him, she like the attention and she likes the game. Take her phone and send the guy a text, tell him you are her husband and you want the contact to stop. You need to do it because you can't trust her, she is flaunting this in your face because she has no respect for you or your marriage. 

Long term I think you are in trouble, if she is playing this game four months into the marriage she can't be sincere about being married, she's still acting like she's single. I don't see a very happy future for your marriage unless she takes it seriously and commits.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

jka12 said:


> I think she is an awesome girl and wife. She cooks, cleans, is caring to the point of putting everyones needs above her, she does literally EVERYTHING for me, so when I bring this issue up and it causes a fight, I actually feel bad for bringing it up and think that I should let it go. But I can't.


She is a horrible wife, texting an OM, leading him to believe she is single, and lying to you.

You could hire a maid to do the things she does around the house. Being a good housekeeper and cook does not complete the picture of what it takes to be a good wife. Your standards must be pretty low.

She argues whenever you bring up the OM? Obviously she knows she is only your maid, but he has her heart.

In a marriage, the spouse is entitled to the other spouses heart and loyalty. Transparency is a must, and so is vulnerability.

If you are having to demand loyalty and transparency, your spouse is not marriage material.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Can you annul this thing? Don't have kids with this one.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

knobcreek said:


> Can you annul this thing? Don't have kids with this one.


Excellent post and I think a very wise decision. GTFO!!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

The adage is true: We get the love we think we deserve.

I'm sad to read how little you think you deserve from your wife.

I'm with knobcreek. Ultimately, an annulment is appropriate, here. She has never considered herself to be married to you.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

jka12 said:


> I think she is an awesome girl and wife. She cooks, cleans, is caring to the point of putting everyones needs above her, she does literally EVERYTHING for me, so when I bring this issue up and it causes a fight, I actually feel bad for bringing it up and think that I should let it go. But I can't.


Now this wording would make total sense:

I think she is an awesome housekeeper, hostess and all around good servant. She cooks, she cleans, is caring to the point of putting everyone's needs above her own, she does literally EVERYTHING for me, so when I ask her to wash my car, or mow the lawn it causes a fight. I actually feel bad for asking her to do more than she is already doing and I think I should pay her more if I increase her work load.

What I am getting at is how good she is at domestic chores is unrelated to marital transparency, honesty and trust building (or destroying) behaviors.

You have a right to bring up trust related issues no matter how good of a domestic servant she is.


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## jka12 (Dec 28, 2015)

Thanks everyone for your reply and input


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jka12 said:


> Hello everyone, I am new here and thought maybe this would be the place to bring up my concern.
> 
> My wife and I are 25 years old, have been married for 4 months, together for over a year. A couple of months ago, just after we got married, my wife told me that a friend of hers from the United States was in a city nearby on a business trip and texted her that he wanted to meet her. I asked her who this person was, and if they had met before, which I assumed they hadn't, and I was right (She is from Europe, afterall). She told me that she told him if he can come to our city (he was 90 minutes away), they could meet but she is unable to go to him due to having to work all day and it not being the closest commute after a long day. While I was glad she brought this up to me, after I asked her some things, I found out some interesting facts.
> 
> ...


At the very least an emotional affair. Soon to be a PA as she wants to meet up with OM. 

Don't let it go. Don't be a door mat.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Married for 4 months; she's from Russia; she is now comfortable enough to obsess about her boyfriend. Good luck.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Where did she meet this guy? Or I should say, where did she "find" him? She's never met him in person (supposedly), right?


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## jka12 (Dec 28, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Where did she meet this guy? Or I should say, where did she "find" him? She's never met him in person (supposedly), right?


Correct. 

I do believe her that they haven't met in person, but I know they've talked longer than I've known her. Either met on a dating/social networking website back before she came here.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

I'd message the man myself and explain she is married. If she got real mad so be it. She's leading him in a web of lies and yet claiming he is a friend of hers. She's not being a friend by lying to him and she's not being a great wife to hear how you feel and brush off your feelings. 

Many women can carry traits that you described in your wife. For me, a man's loyality, honesty and his character means more especially if he's my husband. I can always find a housekeeper, a nanny, a cook ect.. She's being disloyal and you're accepting it.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

:rofl:


MachoMcCoy said:


> You're new here, aren't you...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Is she a mail order bride or was she already living in the US when you met?


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Lilac23 said:


> Is she a mail order bride or was she already living in the US when you met?



One of my intial thoughts as well, sorry OP.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Innapropriate to say the least. Just asking for trouble.

Recover her messages and stop this. Under no circumstances would there be any meet up.

Plus she's your wife. I'd text his azz and ask him what are his intentions with my wife. I would care less if she gets upset. 

What you are allowing is bullsh!t!!!!

Stop it now


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jka12 said:


> she'll tell me if she tells him she is married, he will stop talking to her"


 Her saying "if she tells him she is married, he will stop talking to her", is her admitted that her relationship with this single guy is not a platonic friendship, but a romantic one. If he comes to your area again, she will want to see him without you since she does not want him to know that she is married (this almost happened), and it will thus be a date. When you got married you both agreed to take yourselves off the market, yet she has not done this.



jka12 said:


> She just shells up, doesn't want to stop talking to this man but also doesn't want to tell him she is married.


 Google "emotional affair" (EA) and you will see that your wife is in one. An EA is cheating even if there is no physical contact. When she married you, she agreed in her vows to give up all other romantic relationships. Even if she does tell him that she is married, she needs to go full no contact with her affair partner for life.



jka12 said:


> So she led him to believe she's living in a house with random people, even though its with me.


 She is not just forgetting to tell him that she is married, she is in fact telling him that she is single. BTW, if she will flat out lie to him like this, why do you think that she will not lie to you?

No children, only four months invested in this married (only a total of a year overall invested), now is the time to set and enforce martial boundaries or walk if she will not agree to them.


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## jka12 (Dec 28, 2015)

Lilac23 said:


> Is she a mail order bride or was she already living in the US when you met?


Definitely not a mail order bride, I met her through school


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Are they both the same nationality? Please confirm that you live in Europe, other guy is from US, your wife is from Europe.


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

You are really young you may think its the end of the world, get out NOW! you will find the right one for you....


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

jka12 said:


> Definitely not a mail order bride, I met her through school


But is she already a citizen of your country? How long were you dating for? 

Get a book "not just friends", it will help you see this clearer. The other thing is text him from your pphone or a burner phone. Tell him everything! If she's acting like this so early on in your relationship, I can't image what she'll be like when things get tough. Personally, I'd recommend an annulment, find a woman who isn't interested in hiding you as her husband.


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## Megan140 (Dec 22, 2015)

This is not acceptable behavior in a marriage. I'm sorry you had already gotten married before you found out. As good as a wife as she is, of she truly loved and cared about you and was "putting your needs before hers" she would know how much it bothers you and would stop immediately. Unless there's something deeper like he may be a long lost relative and she can't tell you for whatever reason, but you should let her know that you love her deeply and her actions (texting another man) are hurting you to the point of wanting to leave her.


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## Space Mountain (Jul 19, 2015)

jka12,

Now is the time to put your foot down. Ask your wife, Do you want this EA friend or do you want your husband? Because you cannot have both. Ask her which is more important in her life, her EA or her husband? The fact that she has known this other guy longer than you is irrelevant. YOU ARE HER HUSBAND!!! He is a prior acquaintance. She is valuing her relationship with this OM more than her marriage because she does not want to do anything to jeopardize it. She should be proud to tell everyone that she is married to you.

She is showing you her true colors. Talking to other men as if she was single means she is still wanting to be single.

Also very important, this guy needs to know she is married. Get her phone, get his contact info and let him know that you are her husband and that he needs to stay out of your marriage.

jka12 you have only been married for 4 months and together for a little over a year. If you do not set some strong boundaries now, your marriage is doomed. You will wind up divorced due to EAs and or PAs or you will have to put up with a repeating living he11 of misery.

Do you want the constant doubt in your mind of whether or not she is being faithful? Set healthy boundaries now.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You are trying to avoid making her angry. But what you really need to do right now is get her angry. Or to be more precise, you need to see how angry she will get.

Be strong on this. Be a man who defends his territory. She and your marriage are yours. If she sees you not defending it, she will see you as weak and exploitable. She already has a desire for this other man, and your weakness will prove to her she should pursue her desires.

But if you set a strong boundary with absolute consequences, she may (or may not) respond in a way positive to your long term relationship with her. If she gets a bit upset but calms down in a short time, your marriage may be ok. But if she really gets angry, and if she stays angry, you know she is not committed to the marriage nor does she really care about you.

You're young and this is a very new marriage. If this marriage fails soon, you have your entire life ahead of you. I promise there are many other fine women out there who would be a great wife to you! Be very selfish and critical in your current situation. If things are not going to be great for you, now is the time to make the change. And, she will likely be happier in the long run, too, if things are not going to be good long term. You will do everyone a favor by ending a bad marriage now rather than dragging it out for decades.

Read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. Available from any online book seller or probably your local book store.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jka12 said:


> Hello everyone, I am new here and thought maybe this would be the place to bring up my concern.
> 
> My wife and I are 25 years old, have been married for 4 months, together for over a year. A couple of months ago, just after we got married, my wife told me that a friend of hers from the United States was in a city nearby on a business trip and texted her that he wanted to meet her. I asked her who this person was, and if they had met before, which I assumed they hadn't, and I was right (She is from Europe, afterall). She told me that she told him if he can come to our city (he was 90 minutes away), they could meet but she is unable to go to him due to having to work all day and it not being the closest commute after a long day. While I was glad she brought this up to me, after I asked her some things, I found out some interesting facts.
> 
> ...



My take on this.

I'm a married hubby of 16+ years now.


You guys are recently married. That means she no longer hangs with her usual single guys and they still think she is single. She should of excitingly told all her guy friends I just recently got married and I'm so happy and excited.....that would of stopped any flirting and possible texting, sexting, face book, and hook ups.

This tells me she is wanting her cake and eat it too.

If she truly loved you, this guy would of known about your wedding date!!!

She shouldn't be texting another guy, who still thinks she's single...?

Sounds like she has a history with this other man, more than what you have with her.


You have to man up, tell your wife this isn't cool at all. Either tell this other man you're married or stop texting him altogether.

This is how cheating which leads to divorces start.


If I would of started texting another woman, she doesn't know I'm married, and Mrs.CuddleBug found out, my wife would be very upset and get me to put an end to it!!!


This reminds me of my ex gf from way back. While we were dating, she has her single guy friends, who didn't know she was seeing me. She sounds similar to your wife. In the end, she broke up with me and left me for an ex bf she knew longer than we had dated. They broke up afterwards, so it was all for nothing in the end. Dumb girl.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is how I would handle this. 

Find his contact details and send him something like this:

"Hi, xxx! We haven't spoken yet, but I am the husband of your long time friend Mywifesname. I expect she has told you all about our married life. This might seem odd but one of my favourite times of day is when I drive her to and from work. I think our love and connection grows ever stronger.

"We have been married for a year now. The reason I am contacting you is because I am looking at organising an intimate gathering of her close friends and I feel you fit into this category. Please tell me when you are next over here and I will see if I can make this work. Yours Mr Mywifesname husband."

Then see what happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You know you should NOT let this go or you would not be asking this question on an infidelity forum.

if one of your friends was telling you that his wife or girlfriend was communicating with an ex boyfriend and wanted to meet the guy WITHOUT the husband along OUT OF TOWN, what the hell would you tell him????

And then add in that she is not even telling him that she is married???
GIVE ME A BREAK. you have got to have more sense than this. Too many men today are falling into this bull **** trap of feeling "guilty" about being called controlling or not trusting.

Now if she was gushing to have you meet him and bring you with her this might be somewhat different.

If she goes to meet him without you, I would tell her to go back to russia or wherever he ios from. She wants to meet him to hook up with him or she flat out would have told him she was married.

Now buckle your chin strap and stop being a patsy.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I would just serve her with divorce papers wrapped up in a bow with a message reading "Congratulations. Now you will be single, just like you told your 'friend'!"


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*I would just serve her with divorce papers wrapped up in a bow with a message reading "Congratulations. Now you will be single, just like you told your 'friend'!"*


Now that advice you just got is what you should do when she either lies to you about going somewhere else or tells you she is going without you even though you do not want her to.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

jka12, any updates? How did she respond?


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