# Is this a wedding or a fundraiser?



## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

My son, who is my only child is getting married to a lovely young woman next year. They are just starting out in their careers so they aren't established financially. The bride's family plans to cover most of the reception cost and my husband and I will cover items traditionally paid for by the groom's family, plus offer extra help by paying for the photography, transportation, music, etc. I assume my son's father (my ex) and his stepmother will contribute as well. 

Here's my issue; some members of the bride's family have put it in her head that cash gifts from guests "must" equal the amount of their dinner at minimum. An older, recently married relative of the bride complained that someone gave her a $30 Macys gift card and "she doesn't even shop there." I think this is extremely tacky. First off, how would one know how much the meal costs, unless someone tells them that it's $75 per plate? So far, I've only submitted a few names for the guest list because I don't want my friends and family to be scrutinized for their generosity or lack thereof. 

Is this something new? I don't want to be a meddling MIL but I do not agree with this way of thinking. Of course, guests attending a wedding should give gifts but I feel it is inappropriate to expect a certain dollar amount. Spending $20k plus in the hopes of recouping all the money spent is poor financial planning. If the money means so much it would be better spent as a down payment on a home. But that's just my opinion. I understand that weddings cost money but since when do guests foot the bill?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I know all my family members aren't as well off as others and in my opinion I find it kind of tacky to ask for money. As far as them just starting out and not being financially set yet,well that is just part of married life... at least from my experience,and shouldn't factor into the celebration,which should be paramount.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

It's their choice to get married and their choice on the type of wedding they want/can afford. You invite guests to share and take part in your happiness, not to fund it. Does she and her family do this for weddings they attend? You ask for your guests presence not their presents. I would explain this concept to her. Any etiquette book would back you up, as well.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I don't have any problem with the idea of a fund raiser. I do have a problem with *requiring* or even suggesting a gift value. If money is the issue then the focus should be on reducing expenditure, not increasing revenue. I only give cash if it is specifically requested. It's lazy gifting.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Mrs.X said:


> My son, who is my only child is getting married to a lovely young woman next year. They are just starting out in their careers so they aren't established financially. The bride's family plans to cover most of the reception cost and my husband and I will cover items traditionally paid for by the groom's family, plus offer extra help by paying for the photography, transportation, music, etc. I assume my son's father (my ex) and his stepmother will contribute as well.
> 
> Here's my issue; some members of the bride's family have put it in her head that cash gifts from guests "must" equal the amount of their dinner at minimum. An older, recently married relative of the bride complained that someone gave her a $30 Macys gift card and "she doesn't even shop there." I think this is extremely tacky. First off, how would one know how much the meal costs, unless someone tells them that it's $75 per plate? So far, I've only submitted a few names for the guest list because I don't want my friends and family to be scrutinized for their generosity or lack thereof.
> 
> Is this something new? I don't want to be a meddling MIL but I do not agree with this way of thinking. Of course, guests attending a wedding should give gifts but I feel it is inappropriate to expect a certain dollar amount. Spending $20k plus in the hopes of recouping all the money spent is poor financial planning. If the money means so much it would be better spent as a down payment on a home. But that's just my opinion. I understand that weddings cost money but since when do guests foot the bill?


It could be that the tacky relative was saying that a gift card was a cheap thought, or the amount was ridiculous, I wasn't there I can't say. This is one reason people get registered-so that they have suggestions put out there for the family, a tactful way of saying "we need this or that for our new home." Dishes, linens, etc.-in the bride's preferences because we all know that the home is the woman's domain, us mens just have to remember to take out the trash and put the seat down when we finish...

Traditionally the guests don't foot the bill. That is the job of the two families being joined; the daughter walks in with a dowery and her father pays for the wedding. Here is the traditional break down of the expenses:
Wedding Expenses: The Traditional Division - The Emily Post Institute, Inc.
Good luck and Mazel Tov!!!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

People are very demanding when it comes to gift giving. They expect to recoup their expenses. Which is stupid.

You should not have a fancy wedding if you cant afford it. 2 years ago we attended this wedding that was a few days long. All fancy and expensive. I later heard the parents had borrowed money from friends to pay for the wedding and then could not repaid the loans. 

I cant imagine starting my new life with that kind of burden. 

I told my DD if she wants a fancy wedding she has to pay for it. I am paying for her education, she can pay for the wedding. 

I don't believe in having a big fancy wedding. I think it's better to pay off some debts (student loan) or putting a downpayment on a house.

People are very tacky.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It's a mixed bag. On one hand, I can see how you feel and nobody should ever expect anything specific when being invited to a wedding. On the other hand, it is a wedding and there should always be some expectation from both sides on proper etiquette.

Most people are aware of he financial situations of their friends and families. Not completely, but aware. If aunt Edna who lives in a nursing home gives me a check for 15 dollars. It's cute, it's aunt Edna. If my buddy who works as a pilot gives me a check for 15 dollars, he's an *******.

I had a cousin, came with a date, and gave $50. Now, to some that sounds good, but to me, that was tacky. I know his situation and i definitely expected more from him. Maybe that is unfair or unreasonable from me. Maybe. All the same, it made me a little upset.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree with you OP, and think it's tacky to the extreme to ask for money.

Our wedding was beautiful, only 30 people including us - bridal party of five. It was the best day of both our lives. Absolutely wonderful, and we wouldn't change a single thing 

People these days put far too much focus on the wedding and not the marriage.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, this may be somewhat cultural. Different cultural backgrounds, and even different parts of the country, can have very different traditions and expectations regarding weddings. 

In my area, it is considered extremely tacky to openly display cash gifts at the wedding. A card in a sealed envelope that contains a check or cash is certainly acceptable, but to approach anyone with money openly would be considered incredibly crass. In other parts of the country, people would be horrified if there wasn't a special money dance where guests pinned cash to the bride's veil. 

And, yes, I've heard several people from backgrounds different from my own lament the stinginess of guests who apparently failed to cover the cost of their meal. That's a thing where they're from. Where I'm from, it's not.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

NWCooper said:


> It's their choice to get married and their choice on the type of wedding they want/can afford. You invite guests to share and take part in your happiness, not to fund it. Does she and her family do this for weddings they attend? You ask for your guests presence not their presents. I would explain this concept to her. Any etiquette book would back you up, as well.


It seems like her family is very focused on the gifts received. I gave the couple a wedding etiquette book recently and I'll talk to them about expectations when we get closer to the date.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

WhyMe66 said:


> Mrs.X said:
> 
> 
> > My son, who is my only child is getting married to a lovely young woman next year. They are just starting out in their careers so they aren't established financially. The bride's family plans to cover most of the reception cost and my husband and I will cover items traditionally paid for by the groom's family, plus offer extra help by paying for the photography, transportation, music, etc. I assume my son's father (my ex) and his stepmother will contribute as well.
> ...


Thanks, I'm glad to get some validation that the whole world hasn't gone mad. I asked if they are registering and they are not because they have all the household goods they need and (surprise) they really want money.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> I don't have any problem with the idea of a fund raiser. I do have a problem with *requiring* or even suggesting a gift value. If money is the issue then the focus should be on reducing expenditure, not increasing revenue. I only give cash if it is specifically requested. It's lazy gifting.


Very little is coming out of the pockets of the couple which is why I'm puzzled that her family feels the way they do. Regardless of how much cash the couple receives the family is still not getting their money back.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> People are very demanding when it comes to gift giving. They expect to recoup their expenses. Which is stupid.
> 
> You should not have a fancy wedding if you cant afford it. 2 years ago we attended this wedding that was a few days long. All fancy and expensive. I later heard the parents had borrowed money from friends to pay for the wedding and then could not repaid the loans.
> 
> ...


I agree! My husband and I paid for our own wedding (2nd marriage) and it was as fancy as we could afford at the time, but we cut down our guest list in order to have the type of event we wanted. Some feelings were hurt (distant relatives) because we couldn't have everyone there but we were not going to burden our families by asking for help and we didn't take out any loans. We delayed our wedding so we could build a house because that was a bigger priority for us.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

Herschel said:


> It's a mixed bag. On one hand, I can see how you feel and nobody should ever expect anything specific when being invited to a wedding. On the other hand, it is a wedding and there should always be some expectation from both sides on proper etiquette.
> 
> Most people are aware of he financial situations of their friends and families. Not completely, but aware. If aunt Edna who lives in a nursing home gives me a check for 15 dollars. It's cute, it's aunt Edna. If my buddy who works as a pilot gives me a check for 15 dollars, he's an *******.
> 
> ...


I can see your point about having certain expectations of certain people. I generally give a gift from the registry but if that's not an option I'll give cash, usually $100 from the two of us. But now I don't know if that's considered generous or cheap. When I got married I received some empty cards and some people gave no card or gift at all. I was more focussed on the no shows who costed us money. That's a topic for another day!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mrs.X said:


> I can see your point about having certain expectations of certain people. I generally give a gift from the registry but if that's not an option I'll give cash, usually $100 from the two of us. *But now I don't know if that's considered generous or cheap. When I got married I received some empty cards and some people gave no card or gift at all. I was more focussed on the no shows who costed us money. That's a topic for another day!*


I think A lot LIKE YOU Mrs.X .... 

I've always been very turned off by people who think so highly of money...

If they speak like this in the smallest way.. they judge those with lessor means.. I don't find these sort of people Nice people.. but rather stuck up.. they think they are better.. I don't keep friends like this.. we'd butt heads. 

When myself & husband married.. we planned & paid for everything ourselves (his Mom & dad offered to pay the caterer though, she was a good friend)....

My husband just worked in a Grocery store and I was a Dietary Aide.. but we were Savers.... we had a large wedding/ Reception.. over 300 came.... I bought a tea length gown ...very reasonably priced.. because I saved so much HERE.. 

I was walking out of a JC Penney one day.. seen these Pink strapless dresses on clearance.. I knew a seamstress.. I bought the girls dresses on the spot!..... then decided to be just as Generous & we picked up the Tuxes too for the guys... none of our friends were 'well to do" and I cared more about who was in our wedding -over - can they afford to buy these things.. 

And I cared that the experience of who came was a good time as well...it was never about "Who has $$, make sure THEY are on the list".. and "Oh don't invite that one, they are too poor".. or tell these ones.. no kids... 


I was never a spoiled person.. I was grateful for some crumbs I guess.. so it made me feel good to DO for others.. that we had the means to do it.. All I wanted was a HAPPY day for everyone.. I remember even telling my friends.. "Bring a friend!".. .I remember being worried ... "OMG , what if hardly anyone comes!?... and we put so much into it.. 

I didn't feel I had much family.. it far exceeded our expectations.. but in comparison to what a well to do family may receive.. I'm sure what we got in gifts was on the low side considering how packed the reception hall was.. 

Even if we didn't make a dime.. you know what.. I still would have planned it all the same.. it was our day & to share with family, friends, good times, music, dancing, good eating.... we had it all paid for before I walked down the aisle anyway.. (except for the Photographer).....& that catering ...funny thing.. she almost ran out of food ! Some of them listened to me.. they did bring a friend or 2.. we didn't even know the guy & girl who caught the garter & the bouquet.. we didn't [email protected]# 

Come to think of it.. I don't think we got a card from them (we did write all the gifts down the next day).. I didn't think a thing of it..until today.. 26 yrs later.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The sense of entitlement rampant in the so-called millennial generation is staggering.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

With all the "bride/wedding" shows on today, I'm not surprised. One-upmanship runs rampant again. The cost and expectations for weddings have become outlandish. Far more than a down payment on a home.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Mrs.X said:
> 
> 
> > I can see your point about having certain expectations of certain people. I generally give a gift from the registry but if that's not an option I'll give cash, usually $100 from the two of us. *But now I don't know if that's considered generous or cheap. When I got married I received some empty cards and some people gave no card or gift at all. I was more focussed on the no shows who costed us money. That's a topic for another day!*
> ...


Simplyamorous, we do think along the same lines! My wedding was almost 15 years ago and as I mentioned it was a 2nd marriage for both of us so we kept it simple, even though it was a 1st wedding for us both. My mother picked a dress off the rack of a bridal shop and turned out it was on clearance. I was in 2 weddings that year so I decided not to have bridesmaids. Didn't want to put my friends through the hassle but I gave little assignments to my closest friends and they were happy to be included. We already had kids from our prior marriages so the kids stood with us. The reception was informal, no assigned seating and it was just a big party that people still talk about. I just remembered that my husband was laid off temporarily about 2 months before the wedding so we had to cut back a little but I wouldn't have changed anything. We didn't go broke and we were grateful for the 120 or so friends and family who were able to share in our day. 

It must be all the wedding shows, reality tv and social media that makes people this way, or perhaps it's just a sense of entitlement. I would expect that from 20somethings but in the case of my DIL to be, she is getting this from her family and even though they are footing a big chunk of the bill I can't say they are well-to-do. Like you, I'm a saver. I'm not cheap but I spend wisely and below my means, although my husband would say otherwise.


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