# Started marriage counseling; my wife suffers from depression and I have been abusive



## pacman

Hello All,

This my first post on this forum, and sadly, my wife and I are having big issues in our marriage right now. Our 1 year anniversary is next weekend, yet we both feel that there is nothing to celebrate.

We've just started seeing a marriage therapist last week and I'm wondering what to expect. Most of what has been going on has been my fault, and I feel an overwhelming need to redeem myself and show her that the person I had become is not the person I truly am.

Here is a bit of background to our story (from the beginning)

We met online in the spring of 2007. I lived in California and she lived in North Carolina. We had an online relationship for approximately a year before I moved to North Carolina, During our relationship online, I could tell that she had some minor issues with depression and expressing her emotions. She confided in me and made it aware that the she "took a chance" with me because I made her feel safe and loved.

When I moved out to North Carolina, things were fine at first...no major issues. Even though she still did not express her emotions much, it was something I felt I could deal with. I KNEW she loved me, and that was enough. However, there were a couple of things that happened that made things go downhill.

First was, she went through my emails and found out that BEFORE her and I had gotten together, I had slept with someone who was a close friend of mine. She was upset because I lied to her about it and because I made her feel like a fool since she talked to that person and was starting to become friends with her.

The second issue happened a few weeks later. I was out running errands when she called my cellphone crying and yelling at me to come back home. When I came home she confronted me and said that she found that I was looking at porn on the internet. She was very upset about this, and obviously, nothing I could say would make her feel any better. She was really upset at me and following me all over the place, and I couldn't deal with it. I felt guilty and sad that I had hurt her, but I was having a very hard time keeping my own emotions in check. I kept trying to run away from the situation to get a breather and she would continue to follow me (try to break doors down if I closed them, etc). I then snapped and grabbed her and threw her into a wall. That was the first time I had ever put my hands on a woman in a violent manner.

I am so ashamed to say that it wasn't the last time this happened with her either. 

My violence towards her happened around 6 or 7 more times with the last time happening in October of last year. It always happened in the same way...We would get into an argument, it would get to a point to where I couldn't "take" it anymore and I would try to run away from the situation. She would then either pursue me or continue to press on...I did not know how to manage my anger, so I did what I knew would stop her...I would grab her and throw her around. Most of my violence was in a "man-handling" sort of way...it involved pushing and grabbing mostly. I've never punched her, but I HAVE slapped her once, she slapped me and then I reacted and slapped her back. I feel sick to my stomach that I could have done this.

The last time this happened, she fell into a VERY deep depression and would not take care of herself it all. This is when we decided to see therapists. At first we were going to go together, but the therapist wanted to see my wife alone first because she wanted to address her depression.

Fast forward 5 months. My wife has been seeing her therapist every two weeks and is on depression meds and I started seeing my own therapist around 3 months ago to help with my anger and boundary issues. For the past 5 months, she has basically been bedridden in her room (she does not work) and I've been taking care of the house, I've been giving her meds and giving her food. She has basically been unable to take care of herself. I've been doing everything I can to take care of her during this time because I want to show her that I am willing to do whatever it takes for us to work, and because I love her deeply and am ashamed at what I had done before. She has told me multiple times that all of the efforts I was making did not make any difference in how she felt and that the only thing that would maybe help was our couples counseling. It took 5 months from her first therapy session for her therapist to say she was in the position to start couples counseling with me. 

At our first session last week, she made it known that she has lost all respect and trust in me and she does not feel emotionally or physically safe around me anymore. While, I KNEW that was coming, it was still a bombshell for me to hear. She said her purpose of coming to couples counseling was to see if she could start trusting me and respecting me again. Our therapist suggested we try and avoid each other for the next week and to spend some time apart. She also told my wife that she needs to start taking care of herself and she needs to make her own food, take her own meds, etc. My "assignment" is to not give in and try to take care of my wife and to find outlets, people to talk to, etc. 

I know this is a very long post, and bless anyone who read through it all. I guess my questions are; what I am to expect in therapy? I feel lucky enough to have a wife that is willing to at least see if she wants to move forward in our marriage.


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## Blanca

pacman said:


> I guess my questions are; what I am to expect in therapy? I feel lucky enough to have a wife that is willing to at least see if she wants to move forward in our marriage.


I can tell you what my experiences with therapy are. i have never been to couples counseling, but i have been to individual counseling. My experience with it has been kind of frustrating. I have never felt like many solutions to my problems were offered. There have been one or two occasions that i felt i got help, though. but that is only because i read a lot of other books, too. So from my experience, dont rely heavily on therapy. it is a good way to get support and guidance but therapists certainly dont have all that answers. 

And i also wanted to tell you that my H and i went through what you and your wife are going through. For about four years we fought, and i mean fought like what you described. there was a time that i never left the house. for weeks i wouldnt shower or anything. i didnt work either. and then I would get hysterical and my H would man handle me because i would get out of control. i was so angry at him. i would smash things and break things. and he just wanted to get away and would lock me out sometimes. it was really ugly. but we rarely fight now, and if we do we act like adults. there's no more out of control fighting. 

so hang in there. you guys are taking the right steps. its goign to be a long, slow process but it can get better. your wife can trust you again and gain respect for you again. im just now starting to love my H again. he has changed a lot, but so have i.


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## pacman

Thank you, it gives me hope knowing that there are other people out there who have been in similar situations and that not ALL of those situations end in divorce.


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## misslady

I have been in this situation, but not being that depressed. But when you do things to a woman, you bring her self esteem down, she's probably wondering what she did wrong to deserve this, but i'm glad you guys are seeing a therapist.


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