# Advice Requested - Wife's Annual Vacation



## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

Hi everyone. I'm posting this in the hopes that hearing responses gives me an objective viewpoint of a situation. My wife and I have been together for 6 years. We have 3 children (2 girls are hers and one boy is mine from previous marraiges). Every year, she goes on a girls' trip to the beach with 3 girlfriends and their kids. She takes her two daughters, but not my son. One of her friends brings her younger son, so it's not entirely a "girls' trip." When we first started dating, the trips were shorter. Going by memory, I think they were a few days. They have gotten longer. Last years' was the longest at 8 days. What initially was a get together with her long time friends has turned into an annual vacation.

Growing up, vacations were reserved for family. If I'm working, I only have so much vacation to use, so I would never use a significant chunk to be away from my family. She doesn't work during the summer and doesn't see it as a big deal.

I'm happy to admit I'm stuck in my head about this. Thoughts like, "Why am I killing myself getting up at 4:45 am for work all week so she can go on vacation?" have gone through my head.
After years of me expressing concern, it's gotten to the point that it's uncomfortable. She doesn't talk to me about her plans when she makes them. I either find out 2-3 weeks in advance when one of my daughters says something or perhaps earlier if I thumb through our kitchen calendar looking for dates. I've vocalized my concerns in the past, and since she thinks it's not a big deal, I'm at the point where I don't know what to say. She came home from her annual trip yesterday. We aren't talking all that much.

I love my wife dearly. I'm hoping you can give me your thoughts and advice so that I can hopefully think more objectively about this situation.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She does it each year. She has been doing it a long time. Seems like a normal tradition in her life. Are you only unhappy because your son is not there or your upset about money? Does it prevent you from having a family vacation?

For what it’s worth my wife has done a few girl trips. I never really thought anything of it.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Is she a teacher? Are the other girls teachers too?

Is the issue of your son not going the main issue?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

You need a discussion that you apparently didn't have six years ago, about privacy and boundaries. The sooner the better. Seriously. This stuff can get worse quickly. 

I find it interesting that you refer to "my daughters" when biologically they are hers. Could you be making assumptions that they are more "yours" than your wife believes? Perhaps she sees two separate families while you see a full merger?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i make a trip almost annually back to New England to catch up on friends, see my girls and go photo shooting...i go alone and my wife is fine with that. she is not into hiking in the woods or climbing but she knows its my thing...but the difference is that we talk about, her not taking about is rather selfish and belittling of you. serious red flag.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

"Tradition" or not she should be talking to you about it in advance. You shouldn't be hearing it from your (step)daughters. You said you "expressed concern" for years, was that done calmly or does she withhold this info from you out of fear you will lash out (again)?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There's nothing wrong with what she's doing. I mean, seems odd to leave the boy out, but that's all. Could be down to that they would have to get an extra room or something though. Vacations aren't just for family. This is her tradition and she has friends and that's good. Don't ask her to give up things to be with you! Marriage should enhance, not restrict. Would you expect her to freak out if you went, say, hunting in Alaska with buddies?


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

My concerns are my son not going, the length of the trip, and over the last few years that it's gotten weird with our lack of communication. I've told her my thoughts on multiple occasions, but since she is committed to going, I've stopped saying anything about it. At this point, I don't see value in saying the same things over and over.

The part I struggle with the most and question in myself is to what degree am I being jealous that she is going on a vacation without the rest of her family? I get that friends are important and weekend getaways to rekindle friendships are good. 8 day trips go beyond a "get together." I would never tell my wife that I've decided to go on a recurring annual 7 day cruise with my old buddies, especially if she was working.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

To answer a few questions. I'm not worried about the money. I call her daughters mine because I treat them as if they are my own (my wife and I are on the same page). It does not prevent us from going on a family vacation.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Why doesn't she take your son? Have you asked her about that? Does she feel her daughters need alone time after her divorce? Or maybe she's not close to your son or assumes he doesn't want to go/wouldn't have fun?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sounds as if resentment is coming into play. I do not see any issue with a spouse taking a vacation with friends while the other works. IF...the spouse takes a weeks vacation as a family as well. My W will take a long weekend or a two day'r during the week get away with her friends. I have no issue with that at all because we spend my vacation time as a family(my W is a SAHM). When she does not she spends most of the time texting me wishing she was home! 

Anyway, does your W go on a family vacation when your have your week off?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Honestly, if she's going once a year, I think that's harmless, if you're able to afford it. Also, regarding your son, maybe she didn't think about bringing him, but you can suggest that she bring him along, saying it would be good for him. BUT, if there are NO family vacations happening, I would say that's a bit odd. Maybe you should start taking initiative and plan an annual family trip. I'm sure she'd be happy about that.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jjtam said:


> My concerns are my son not going, the length of the trip, and over the last few years that it's gotten weird with our lack of communication. I've told her my thoughts on multiple occasions, but since she is committed to going, I've stopped saying anything about it. At this point, I don't see value in saying the same things over and over.
> 
> The part I struggle with the most and question in myself is to what degree am I being jealous that she is going on a vacation without the rest of her family? I get that friends are important and weekend getaways to rekindle friendships are good. 8 day trips go beyond a "get together." * I would never tell my wife that I've decided to go on a recurring annual 7 day cruise with my old buddies, especially if she was working.*


Why not?


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

We go on a week long family trip every year.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jjtam said:


> We go on a week long family trip every year.


So what is the real issue? Your W does on a week vacation with friends and not take your son. Or simply your W takes a week without you? Why are you not taking a week with your buddies?


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

Both. The bigger of the two is the latter.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The question is: why aren't you thrilled to have your son all to yourself to get in some good bonding time? Instead, you'd rather be by your lonesome - why?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If she wanted to take your son, she would. Obviously, she doesn’t. Maybe she doesn’t think of him the way you think of her daughters. Or something. If that’s your only real complaint, let it go.

ETA: As to the other part, some couples take trips separately. She wants a week with her friends and she has the time to take it so why not.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

jjtam said:


> To answer a few questions. I'm not worried about the money. I call her daughters mine because I treat them as if they are my own (my wife and I are on the same page). It does not prevent us from going on a family vacation.


well she isn’t on the same page since she doesn’t automatically include your son.

lay out guidelines that help you feel like a priority. She should automatically tell you as soon as she puts it on her calendar - that’s just respect. And ask why she isn’t including your son - I’d expect an explanation on that one.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Are you limited with how much time off you can take off?

ETA: I see you _do _have a limit in how much vacation time you can take. 

But if you all take a family vacation every year, I just don't see why this is an issue? 

Just because you were brought up to believe vacations were reserved for family, that doesn't mean it's correct.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

1. Every year, she goes on a girls' trip to the beach with 3 girlfriends and their kids.

2. She takes her two daughters, but not my son. One of her friends brings her younger son, so it's not entirely a "girls' trip."

3. When we first started dating, the trips were shorter. Going by memory, I think they were a few days. They have gotten longer. Last years' was the longest at 8 days. What initially was a get together with her long time friends has turned into an annual vacation.

4. After years of me expressing concern, it's gotten to the point that it's uncomfortable. She doesn't talk to me about her plans when she makes them.....

You don't know how desperately I'm trying to figure out exactly what your problem is with her taking this annual vacation because you seem to be all over the place. Of these four statements you made that I enumerated, pick one, or some, or all of them and explain them, please, because I don't really get your complaint(s). Are you saying you just don't want her to go? Or are you saying you want her to talk to you in advance about it? I think I would avoid talking to you about as well if you only complain and try to stop me from going. If the subject causes dissension, why would she want to bring it up. And besides, I don't know why 3 weeks notice isn't enough. The factual truth is you have a yearly heads up. When she returns from the vacation each summer, you know, as traditionally, she's going again next summer. Other than that, 2 or 3 weeks is enough notice. Do you want longer than that to complain to her about it?

Regarding not taking your son, she could have her reason(s)s for that. You don't know the reason(s) and probably never will because it's so sensitive a subject that most people would rather pluck out their eyes than divulge. It could be that he's too old or too young compared with the other kids (just guessing since you didn't tell us any of their ages). It could be that she loves your son, but he's quite a handful as boys often are, so she prefers to be able to mostly relax. It could be that he has been disrespectful toward her, as stepchildren often are, so she prefers not to have to endure his disrespect while on vacation since that's kind of what vacation means. It could be that he's hard-headed and doesn't obey her, so she doesn't want to have to keep a constant eye on him to prevent him from harming himself after she tells him to stop this or not to do that and such. These are the types of things bio parents don't notice, but stepparents almost invariably endure. To moms and dads, their kids are manageable. To many stepparents, they're not. She just wants to be on vacation and enjoy herself. And if she has complained about him to you in the past, it's possible you did as most dads do to their wife who is stepmom to his kids and completely dismissed her, and, instead, started complaining about her kids, rather than address her concerns about his. Perhaps I'm too familiar with the usual dynamics in stepfamilies, so maybe none of this has ever happened with you guys, and maybe your son is not a handful, disrespectful, or hard-headed. But I can't help thinking there has to be some kind of reason(s) she doesn't take him with her and the girls.



jjtam said:


> Growing up, vacations were reserved for family. If I'm working, I only have so much vacation to use, so I would never use a significant chunk to be away from my family. She doesn't work during the summer and doesn't see it as a big deal.


Again, I don't know what you're trying to say here or exactly what your complaint is, and it's kind of contradictory. You only have x amount of vacation time, but she doesn't work during the summer. You don't have the time but she does, so she takes a summer vacation. What is the problem? Are you saying the whole family never takes a vacation together? Only she and the girls? If that's what it is, I don't know why you don't plan a family vacation, or ask her to plan one.



jjtam said:


> I'm happy to admit I'm stuck in my head about this. Thoughts like, "Why am I killing myself getting up at 4:45 am for work all week so she can go on vacation?" have gone through my head.


There we go again, I'm afraid. Are you saying you give her the money for her and the girls to take these summer vacations with her friends? Or, are you saying you don't like having to go to work while she's on vacation?



jjtam said:


> I've vocalized my concerns in the past, and since she thinks it's not a big deal, I'm at the point where I don't know what to say.


I'm wondering why you feel she has to do what you say? You don't like that she goes and don't want her to go, so she's supposed to stay home? She wants to go as she has always done. You don't want her to go. Only your opinion matters and hers doesn't? There are some things I'm sure every couple disagrees on, but that doesn't mean one partner calls the shots. She's been doing this forever. Why is it so important to you to stop her? You've not stated your problem with her and the girls going. You've only indicated that you don't like it.



jjtam said:


> She came home from her annual trip yesterday. We aren't talking all that much.


Are you giving her the silent treatment? It is very immature of you if you are.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

How old are her daughters? How old is your son? Do the girls get along with your son? Is he well behaved when you're not around?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

jjtam said:


> We go on a week long family trip every year.


For real? Now I'm REALLY confused.
This really is all about you just don't want her to go, isn't it?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There's nothing wrong with what she's doing. I mean, seems odd to leave the boy out, but that's all. Could be down to that they would have to get an extra room or something though. Vacations aren't just for family. This is her tradition and she has friends and that's good. Don't ask her to give up things to be with you! Marriage should enhance, not restrict. Would you expect her to freak out if you went, say, hunting in Alaska with buddies?


Yes, having to get another room would definitely be a concern if they have to pay for accommodations.

And another good point, lots of guys/husbands go away on 2, 3, 4, 5 day hunting or fishing trips every year.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jjtam said:


> My concerns are my son not going, the length of the trip, and over the last few years that it's gotten weird with our lack of communication. I've told her my thoughts on multiple occasions, but since she is committed to going, I've stopped saying anything about it. At this point, I don't see value in saying the same things over and over.
> 
> The part I struggle with the most and question in myself is to what degree am I being jealous that she is going on a vacation without the rest of her family? I get that friends are important and weekend getaways to rekindle friendships are good. 8 day trips go beyond a "get together." I would never tell my wife that I've decided to go on a recurring annual 7 day cruise with my old buddies, especially if she was working.


Well you're just not the same person as your wife. This is how a normal and that is your normal. I don't understand it all while you have a problem with it but it sounds like your insecurity. I just really don't think you ought to make this her problem. I think your instinct to stop trying to talk her out of it is a good one. Because there's nothing wrong with taking a vacation with friends.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

StarFires said:


> For real? Now I'm REALLY confused.
> This really is all about you just don't want her to go, isn't it?


I don't see it that way. It seems like it's something that has been gradually expanding to a bigger thing over the years, and the exclusion of the son seems a bit like she wants to keep the "original" family intact, while the husband sees the daughters as his own (which he says his wife sees eye to eye on). It feels like he sees things as being not in balance, but resisting saying that for some reason.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

My husband and I make vacation plans on our own. 

My husband travels with his buddies maybe once a year. 

I travel home with our kids at least once a year and I stay there for about 3 weeks. I hang out with friends and family and go out with my friends as well.

What is bothering you? The trip? Or the trip without your son?

If your wife works and pays for her vacation I think it's pretty reasonable for her to get away on her own. It's not her fault to have summers off. 

You can make different plans to have a family vacation if that's what you want.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Does your ex wife have your son on the week your wife is away?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Your sabotaging your relationship by thinking this is a big deal. It’s her annual tradition that she had before she met you. You should be happy she still does it! 
She doesn’t mention it to you because she knows you don’t approve. Communication will not improve is you continue to be a baby about her going on vacation. Be happy that your wife is happy, be happy when your wife is looking forward to something. You should have the attitude of... she works hard and she deserves this girls trip. And she should think the same about you.

If you want your marriage to improve, be on the same team. Let her be her own person and be happy she is.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Openminded said:


> If she wanted to take your son, she would. Obviously, she doesn’t. Maybe she doesn’t think of him the way you think of her daughters. Or something. If that’s your only real complaint, let it go.
> 
> ETA: As to the other part, some couples take trips separately. She wants a week with her friends and she has the time to take it so why not.


Or maybe her son is older and it’s awkward.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> I don't see it that way. It seems like it's something that has been gradually expanding to a bigger thing over the years, and the exclusion of the son seems a bit like she wants to keep the "original" family intact, while the husband sees the daughters as his own (which he says his wife sees eye to eye on). It feels like he sees things as being not in balance, but resisting saying that for some reason.


Read his response below. I missed it the first time while I was typing. You might have missed it too. It really is only that he doesn't want her to go. But I don't know why he has never asked her about not taking his son. I'm sure she has her reasons, but he's never asked because he still doesn't know. Too many people are making awful assumptions about how she feels about his son.



jjtam said:


> My concerns are my son not going, the length of the trip, and over the last few years that it's gotten weird with our lack of communication. I've told her my thoughts on multiple occasions, but since she is committed to going, I've stopped saying anything about it. At this point, I don't see value in saying the same things over and over.
> 
> The part I struggle with the most and question in myself is to what degree am I being jealous that she is going on a vacation without the rest of her family? I get that friends are important and weekend getaways to rekindle friendships are good. 8 day trips go beyond a "get together." I would never tell my wife that I've decided to go on a recurring annual 7 day cruise with my old buddies, especially if she was working.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@jjtam 

I think some more info would help here.

How old are her daughters and your son. 

Do the children normally get along well?

Does your wife do other things that exclude your son?

Is your son's mother in the picture? How many days a week or month is your son with you?

Assuming your son's mother is in the picture, would she agree to allow your wife to take your son for a week or more on vacation without you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jjtam said:


> To answer a few questions. I'm not worried about the money. I call her daughters mine because I treat them as if they are my own (my wife and I are on the same page). It does not prevent us from going on a family vacation.


Is the father of her daughters involved? If so, how many days a week/month are the girls with him?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> I think some more info would help here.
> 
> How old are her daughters and your son.
> 
> ...


Yes, yes, yes. More good points that may be the reasons why she doesn't take your son. Does your son live with you and your wife? Or does he live with his mother? The way you said it made everyone think he lives with you. Does he?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jjtam said:


> Both. The bigger of the two is the latter.


Regarding not taking your son, well, there are many reasons why she wouldn't want to bring him along. Maybe she and the girls don't want to share a room with a boy. Maybe they share a room with another of the women and she isn't comfortable with a boy also sharing. Maybe she wants the time with just her daughters to bond over girly crap late at night in their hotel or whatever. Perhaps she knows he wouldn't enjoy their vacation activities. Only way to know is to ask her.

Regarding the time away from you, I get it. My husband and I agreed when we first married we wouldn't do separate vacations. 

The thing is, you and your wife never made any such agreement and her trips are a longstanding tradition. She's with her girlfriends, but she brings the girl kids, so the chances of shenanigans are at a very bare minimum. You can afford it. She's still able to go on the annual family vacation. So it seems to boil down to you being upset she's off with her gal pals on vacation while you work. Why? Is it that you think it's unfair? Well, life isn't fair. Her job affords her the time off to go and do things with her friends and kids. Why shouldn't she enjoy that?




Blondilocks said:


> The question is: why aren't you thrilled to have your son all to yourself to get in some good bonding time? Instead, you'd rather be by your lonesome - why?


Great point! While the wife is away he can do guy things with his son, make some time to spend with his friends, maybe carve out time to himself for a hobby or guilty pleasure tv show, etc.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> @jjtam
> 
> I think some more info would help here.
> 
> ...


My son is 14 and my daughters are 13 and 9. All 3 kids get along well. My son adores the 9 year old and they play often. Aside from normal teen/tween tendencies (rolling eyes, sighing, etc.), all are well behaved.

My wife does not exclude my son any other time. I think this circumstance is related to our lack of communication. I'm trying very hard at the moment.

I share custody of my son with my ex-wife 50/50. Eleven years ago I chose not to leave the town I'm in to cooperatively raise him. She is flexible. I am flexible. We frequently shift days/weeks for important events. Even if last week had been my ex's week, she would be accepting to swapping time.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I would agree that there is nothing necessarily wrong with her taking the trip if you can afford it, especially if it is past practice.
However, I would have a huge problem with having to hear it second hand through your step daughter.
Wife can't sit down and discuss it?
If I were you, I would plan a trip to the beach, excluding the wife and the stepdaughters. Do something up real nice for the both of you.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Tdbo said:


> I would agree that there is nothing necessarily wrong with her taking the trip if you can afford it, especially if it is past practice.
> However, I would have a huge problem with having to hear it second hand through your step daughter.
> Wife can't sit down and discuss it?


He doesn’t make it easy for her to discuss it. He gets mad and disapproves. What does he expect?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If it’s a communication problem then start expressing to her how you feel. Find a common solution - by compromising! 
maybe she would consider taking your son? Ask her! Maybe she would consider 5 days instead of 8.

minimum she should alert you when it is calendared!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jjtam said:


> My son is 14 and my daughters are 13 and 9. All 3 kids get along well. My son adores the 9 year old and they play often. Aside from normal teen/tween tendencies (rolling eyes, sighing, etc.), all are well behaved.
> 
> My wife does not exclude my son any other time. I think this circumstance is related to our lack of communication. I'm trying very hard at the moment.
> 
> I share custody of my son with my ex-wife 50/50. Eleven years ago I chose not to leave the town I'm in to cooperatively raise him. She is flexible. I am flexible. We frequently shift days/weeks for important events. Even if last week had been my ex's week, she would be accepting to swapping time.


I can see that your son may feel left out and excluded by not being asked to go. Could you and he go away for a week together? Have you asked her why she doesn't ask him? Has he said anothing about it?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

jjtam said:


> I think this circumstance is related to our lack of communication. I'm trying very hard at the moment.


You mean your lack of communication, correct? You shut it down and she just followed your lead.

Time for you to start the communication ball rolling again. Ask her everything you want to know.

I'm hazarding a guess she doesn't take your son because they do girly things like shopping, manis and pedis and hair cuts, etc. But that wouldn't explain the presence of her friend's son? The only way you're going to find out is to ask her.

What's the deal? Is there more you're not telling us? I'm wondering if you're jealous because you don't have summers off? Your comment of why am I busting my ass so early in the morning gave me a clue.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

jjtam said:


> My son is 14 and my daughters are 13 and 9. All 3 kids get along well. My son adores the 9 year old and they play often. Aside from normal teen/tween tendencies (rolling eyes, sighing, etc.), all are well behaved.
> 
> My wife does not exclude my son any other time. I think this circumstance is related to our lack of communication. I'm trying very hard at the moment.
> 
> I share custody of my son with my ex-wife 50/50. Eleven years ago I chose not to leave the town I'm in to cooperatively raise him. She is flexible. I am flexible. We frequently shift days/weeks for important events. Even if last week had been my ex's week, she would be accepting to swapping time.


This is really cool. You and your ex are accommodating. Consider yourself lucky.

Their ages make it impossible to share a room together, so does your wife have to pay for accommodtions or stay with someone who doesn't have the extra space?


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> What's the deal? Is there more you're not telling us? I'm wondering if you're jealous because you don't have summers off? Your comment of why am I busting my ass so early in the morning gave me a clue.


I think this may be true. At the same time, I could change careers to get the summers off, but we would not be able to support our family.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> He doesn’t make it easy for her to discuss it. He gets mad and disapproves. What does he expect?



*"After years of me expressing concern, it's gotten to the point that it's uncomfortable. She doesn't talk to me about her plans when she makes them. I either find out 2-3 weeks in advance when one of my daughters says something or perhaps earlier if I thumb through our kitchen calendar looking for dates. I've vocalized my concerns in the past, and since she thinks it's not a big deal, I'm at the point where I don't know what to say. She came home from her annual trip yesterday." *

Sounds to me like she's going to get her way or just do what the hell she wants. She doesn't listen, she doesn't inform him about her plans, she doesn't even attempt to work out a happy medium. Looks like the trip is something that is done to him. Something here doesn't add up. I'd love to hear her side of things. 

*"We aren't talking all that much."*

I can understand that. That's obvious.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

StarFires said:


> This is really cool. You and your ex are accommodating. Consider yourself lucky.
> 
> Their ages make it impossible to share a room together, so does your wife have to pay for accommodtions or stay with someone who doesn't have the extra space?


The house is owned by a family member and is unoccupied while they are there. Theyl let us/them go whenever desired. There is room.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

jjtam said:


> I think this may be true. At the same time, I could change careers to get the summers off, but we would not be able to support our family.


Ok. Now we are getting somewhere. I really think you should talk to your wife about all of this. It won't be fun or pleasant but you need to. Ask her why her vacations seem to be getting longer each year? And you are feeling resentful. Who knows? She might have perfectly plausible reasons for each question you ask--things you may have never even thought of. And you can get your resentment off your chest. Maybe you two can come to a compromise. Communication is key!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jjtam said:


> My son is 14 and my daughters are 13 and 9. All 3 kids get along well. My son adores the 9 year old and they play often. Aside from normal teen/tween tendencies (rolling eyes, sighing, etc.), all are well behaved.
> 
> My wife does not exclude my son any other time. I think this circumstance is related to our lack of communication. I'm trying very hard at the moment.
> 
> I share custody of my son with my ex-wife 50/50. Eleven years ago I chose not to leave the town I'm in to cooperatively raise him. She is flexible. I am flexible. We frequently shift days/weeks for important events. Even if last week had been my ex's week, she would be accepting to swapping time.


How old is the other boy who goes?

Have you ever suggested that your wife take your son? Have you ever talked to her about why she does not take your son? 

She might feel that she cannot take him since she is not his mother. 

What are the living arrangements? Do they need another room? Or are they in some sort of suite that would give more privacy?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think the main issue you have here is that your son was not invited while the other son was...this I think is truly the point I would drive home with her...

Other what is good for the geese is good for the gander....meaning plan your guy trip and be done with it.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Tdbo said:


> Sounds to me like she's going to get her way
> or just do what the hell she wants.
> She doesn't listen,
> she doesn't inform him about her plans,
> ...


Incredible.



Tdbo said:


> Something here doesn't add up. I'd love to hear her side of things.


That's for sure.



Tdbo said:


> *"We aren't talking all that much."*
> 
> I can understand that. That's obvious.


The silent treatment is not understandable.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> You mean your lack of communication, correct? You shut it down and she just followed your lead.
> 
> Time for you to start the communication ball rolling again. Ask her everything you want to know.
> 
> ...


I will happily admit I am the instigator of the lack of communication with respect to this topic. After having the discussion many times, I've come to the conclusion saying the same things does not help. I am working hard to keep regular communication (outside of this topic) open.

They don't do "girly" things on their trip. I think she hasn't taken him yet because of another earlier comment where it's more of a "we are used to having our regular group there" kind of thing.

I already answered the jealousy question in another response.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jjtam said:


> My concerns are my son not going, the length of the trip, and over the last few years that it's gotten weird with our lack of communication. I've told her my thoughts on multiple occasions, but since she is committed to going, I've stopped saying anything about it. At this point, I don't see value in saying the same things over and over.
> 
> *The part I struggle with the most and question in myself is to what degree am I being jealous that she is going on a vacation without the rest of her family? *I get that friends are important and weekend getaways to rekindle friendships are good. 8 day trips go beyond a "get together." I would never tell my wife that I've decided to go on a recurring annual 7 day cruise with my old buddies, especially if she was working.


I think that your jealousy is the issue here. There is nothing wrong with your wife going on vacation with her daughters since she does not work during the summer. Have you ever considered joining her and the girls for a weekend during that time? That's something that you and your son could do.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

JJ, have you concluded that it isn't really reasonable for you to be jealous of her trip? That's the majority concensus on your topic, so do you understand that, or are you still sore about it? I mean, you did say, after all, that you were looking for advice and objective viewpoints. So are you taking them?

The issue or question of her not taking your son is and can only remain a point of speculation for us on this board. If you were sore about that, I really don't know why you never asked her in 6 years you've been married. Only she knows that answer, and you are the only one on this board that has any way of finding out.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

jjtam said:


> Hi everyone. I'm posting this in the hopes that hearing responses gives me an objective viewpoint of a situation. My wife and I have been together for 6 years. We have 3 children (2 girls are hers and one boy is mine from previous marraiges). Every year, she goes on a girls' trip to the beach with 3 girlfriends and their kids. She takes her two daughters, but not my son. One of her friends brings her younger son, so it's not entirely a "girls' trip." When we first started dating, the trips were shorter. Going by memory, I think they were a few days. They have gotten longer. Last years' was the longest at 8 days. What initially was a get together with her long time friends has turned into an annual vacation.
> 
> Growing up, vacations were reserved for family. If I'm working, I only have so much vacation to use, so I would never use a significant chunk to be away from my family. She doesn't work during the summer and doesn't see it as a big deal.
> 
> ...


Tough spot.
I personally am not ok with trips like this, multi days, tropical destination I'd like to be able to go to. We traveled as a family when I grew up and I expect my wife and I to go on vacation together not her and friends. One of her sisters lives in town, one out of town. We sometimes travel to stay with the other sister, Her sister from out of town visits a lot and they all three get together but it is in town. Sometimes the brother in law also comes. They have gotten together, in between out locations and met for a day or two half way. 

Anyway, I'd not be ok with my wife suddenly stating, I'm going to the Caribbean for a week with some girls or I'm going on a cruise with my girlfriends for a week....etc. 

But, I knew myself going in that I'm not ok with that type of life and I knew that in the dating stages so this would have worked itself out BEFORE marriage, even if it would have resulted in no marriage because we were too far apart on values and lifestyle. 

You apparently knew this going in or this has been coming up for years...it sounds like before the wedding and you are trying to set some new rules/boundaries after. 
That is much harder to do. 

Do you know what it is that really bothers you about it?
Do you trust the women she is going with? I mean are they shopping, going out to dinner, hanging out at a condo together or are they clubbing, going to bars, going to nude beaches and getting wild? Is she doing anything inappropriate or anything that is pushing your boundaries? What exactly do you not like? Be blunt honest. That would help some to know why?

Is it only that instead of 2 days or so they are now 7 and 8 days? I'd not be ok with that either. 
Anyway, what does she say when you've brought up that you are ok with 2 days or so but 8 is too much?


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

StarFires said:


> JJ, have you concluded that it isn't really reasonable for you to be jealous of her trip? That's the majority concensus on your topic, so do you understand that, or are you still sore about it? I mean, you did say, after all, that you were looking for advice and objective viewpoints. So are you taking them?
> 
> The issue or question of her not taking your son is and can only remain a point of speculation for us on this board. If you were sore about that, I really don't know why you never asked her in 6 years you've been married. Only she knows that answer, and you are the only one on this board that has any way of finding out.


I am most definitely receptive toward criticism and support. My hope in starting this discussion was to change my thought process because the path I am on now will not work. I've heard some great advice which I am already taking to heart. My wall is down significantly faster than if I had not taken the step to post this discussion. I am still processing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> The question is: why aren't you thrilled to have your son all to yourself to get in some good bonding time? Instead, you'd rather be by your lonesome - why?


A good mature reply!


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

StarFires said:


> For real? Now I'm REALLY confused.
> This really is all about you just don't want her to go, isn't it?


If it is.....that is ok.
Not everyone has to be ok with vacationing apart. 
If he is not ok with that....that is 100% fine. 
OP, that is fine. 
Bottom line is you kind of need to work this out when you were dating and not so far into the marriage.
If you were not ok with this then you needed to get her on board with you during dating, made your peace with it during dating or have decided you two aren't really compatible during dating....instead of it coming up so far into the marriage.
Some people are families vacation together people. Some are spouses just fly off on their separate trips. 
It is kind of good when 2 people are compatible.....and do not have big differing views on things that are going to lead to marital strife and a tear in their intimacy and oneness.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Your sabotaging your relationship by thinking this is a big deal. It’s her annual tradition that she had before she met you. You should be happy she still does it!
> She doesn’t mention it to you because she knows you don’t approve. Communication will not improve is you continue to be a baby about her going on vacation. Be happy that your wife is happy, be happy when your wife is looking forward to something. You should have the attitude of... she works hard and she deserves this girls trip. And she should think the same about you.
> 
> If you want your marriage to improve, be on the same team. Let her be her own person and be happy she is.


Yes, this is spot-on.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Ok, am I the first person to bring this up (especially since I do similar, stupid things) but, a vacation? Like, is she flying? 
And...I assume you live in the US? 
So...flying. During Covid. Or just driving? I mean...just asking. 
AND I assume both of you kept your jobs? Shouldn't you two be tightening the belt, and maybe...putting money for if something happens? And be thankful you kept your jobs? 
But this line of thinking isn't what you originally asked about. 

Out of curiosity, did we cover who is covering the expense of the trip? I skimmed and did a 'find word' search, but didn't see it mentioned. 

If you're having to pay for it, and wishing to change careers but can't due to financial reasons, and I'm guessing this little trip eats into the family income and takes away from the family trip, this breeds resentment? And you're not going on it? 

Additionally, maybe I didn't notice this either, but do you maybe take or do things with just your son and not include the girls, hence, she never invites him? Or something?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> You mean your lack of communication, correct? You shut it down and she just followed your lead.
> 
> Time for you to start the communication ball rolling again. Ask her everything you want to know.
> 
> ...


I believe the other son (boy) is very young?

An older boy would need his own room, and OP's wife would be obliged to separate herself from the others, to stay with him. She would then need to remove herself from her friends at times. This would take away some of the camaraderie and fun.

The other ladies may have asked her not to bring her step son, for the same or for other reasons.
And, the other ladies and daughters need privacy from young male eyes (and ears!).


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

jjtam said:


> I am most definitely receptive toward criticism and support. My hope in starting this discussion was to change my thought process because the path I am on now will not work. I've heard some great advice which I am already taking to heart. My wall is down significantly faster than if I had not taken the step to post this discussion. I am still processing.


You're a great guy, JJ. There are two women in this world who were/are lucky enough to call you their husband.

To help you continue processing, this article, *The Policy of Joint Agreement*, will help you to learn to love your wife selflessly. Ask her to read it also so she learns to love you selflessly - maybe not right now since there's a little bit of feelings flying back and for between the two of you. I think one of your respondents on the first page touched on this concept by advising that you should want your wife's happiness. The article can help you both learn how to do that and also how to reach compromise when necessary.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

StarFires said:


> Incredible.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I may be going against the grain here, but his wife plans a trip, doesn't even have any discussion about it, and he hears about it second hand from his step daughter.
That's acceptable?
I have already said that as long as the family can afford it, I don't see a problem with her going on the trip.
However, she doesn't have the guts to tell him to his face? Seriously?
Like I said, there is a piece here missing. All I know is what the man put to keyboard.
I'm not necessarily going to assume it is all on him. She owns a piece of this (see sentence #1 in this posting.)
The silent treatment is understandable here, given the dynamics.
I said nothing about it being desirable or acceptable.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> I believe the other son (boy) is very young?


I do believe OP said the friend's son is younger than his son.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Part of life is doing things with friends, and friends only.
If a person has such good friends, as this, Bless her.

Lucky her.

Many people don't.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jjtam said:


> My son is 14 and my daughters are 13 and 9. All 3 kids get along well. My son adores the 9 year old and they play often. Aside from normal teen/tween tendencies (rolling eyes, sighing, etc.), all are well behaved.
> 
> My wife does not exclude my son any other time. I think this circumstance is related to our lack of communication. I'm trying very hard at the moment.
> 
> I share custody of my son with my ex-wife 50/50. Eleven years ago I chose not to leave the town I'm in to cooperatively raise him. She is flexible. I am flexible. We frequently shift days/weeks for important events. Even if last week had been my ex's week, she would be accepting to swapping time.


So, what you're saying is that you have your son only 50% of the time and you expect your wife to take him on her traditional longstanding mom, daughters, & their friends vacation?

You already miss 50% of your son's life and you want to ship him off with your wife when she's on vacation with her friends and the girls? Seriously? You're literally upset that you don't lose even more time with your son.

There is no reason this vacation time shouldn't be father-son time and every reason for it to be. This is your son's chance to have dad all to himself. No step-mom. No step-sisters. Just the guys.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Whatt the crap. Sounds like you are a money man. No way in helm is my wife going to take a week to go to the coast with out me and son. Either you are a family or you aint. How old are the girls. Young? Teens? Safety is another issue besides the disrespect and disregarding son. How would they feel if you and son start taking week long vacations and they are not invited. Skiing and snowboarding in Colorado. Snorkeling in Auatralia. Oh by the way honey me and Jr will be snorkeling in Australia next week.

This seperate vacations people take......i want to say they must really not care for their spouses much.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Tdbo said:


> I may be going against the grain here, but his wife plans a trip, doesn't even have any discussion about it, and he hears about it second hand from his step daughter.
> That's acceptable?
> I have already said that as long as the family can afford it, I don't see a problem with her going on the trip.
> However, she doesn't have the guts to tell him to his face? Seriously?
> ...


The things you said seemed so hard-lined and blamed it all on her, when none of it is her fault. She's a grown woman and doesn't have to do what he says. She's been doing these vacations since long before she met him, so how do you and he think she's supposed to stop just because he says so? He doesn't like that she goes, and she doesn't agree. That's the end of that. His is not the last word or deciding factor, but several things you said indicated it's supposed to be. 

Secondly, the need for compromise is not only up to her but up to him. But you raked her over the coals for not attempting to compromise.

And thirdly, it's not good to make assumptions like you say, but there are some assumptions that can be made with regard to human nature and the way people normally behave or can normally be expected to behave. In this instance, she doesn't want to give any more advance notice than he needs because he only complains and gripes and groans and gives her the silent treatment. Human nature dictates that anybody would try to avoid that kind of childish behavior.

And no, the silent treatment is never okay. It's just immature and manipulative, but she doesn't fall for that silliness and refuses to be manipulated, so she puts it on the calendar in plenty enough time for him to find out.

Aside from that, he knows full well to expect this trip every single summer, so it makes no difference whatsoever when exactly he finds out about when they will be going. She does let him know, so it's not as though he wakes up one morning to find them gone.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> So, what you're saying is that you have your son only 50% of the time and you expect your wife to take him on her traditional longstanding mom, daughters, & their friends vacation?
> 
> You already miss 50% of your son's life and you want to ship him off with your wife when she's on vacation with her friends and the girls? Seriously? You're literally upset that you don't lose even more time with your son.
> 
> There is no reason this vacation time shouldn't be father-son time and every reason for it to be. This is your son's chance to have dad all to himself. No step-mom. No step-sisters. Just the guys.


We have dad/son time all the time. I have chosen to remain an active part of his life. I chose to limit my career opportunities 11 years ago to remain in his life 50% of the time. I would have taken him 100% of the time, but his mother would not have agreed.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Part of life is doing things with friends, and friends only.
> If a person has such good friends, as this, Bless her.
> 
> Lucky her.
> ...


I agree wholeheartedly. Hence the dilemma.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

StarFires said:


> The things you said seemed so hard-lined and blamed it all on her, when none of it is her fault. She's a grown woman and doesn't have to do what he says. She's been doing these vacations since long before she met him, so how do you and he think she's supposed to stop just because he says so? He doesn't like that she goes, and she doesn't agree. That's the end of that. His is not the last word or deciding factor, but several things you said indicated it's supposed to be.
> 
> Secondly, the need for compromise is not only up to her but up to him. But you raked her over the coals for not attempting to compromise.
> 
> ...


Yes, she has been taking these trips since we met. No, they were never full, lengthy vacations when we met.

I am most happily willing to compromise.

I am keeping communication channels open and will continue to commit to doing so.

It most definitely matters when and how I find out about this trip.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

StarFires said:


> The things you said seemed so hard-lined and blamed it all on her, when none of it is her fault. She's a grown woman and doesn't have to do what he says. She's been doing these vacations since long before she met him, so how do you and he think she's supposed to stop just because he says so? He doesn't like that she goes, and she doesn't agree. That's the end of that. His is not the last word or deciding factor, but several things you said indicated it's supposed to be.
> 
> Secondly, the need for compromise is not only up to her but up to him. But you raked her over the coals for not attempting to compromise.
> 
> ...


That was all selfish, I do whatever I want, I am still single and accountable to no one...type of stuff. 
Yes, all adults are free to do whatever he wants. Once you marry you have to adjust lives to nurture the marriage bond. Can yearly, week long trips still be part of your life? Maybe. Who knows their dynamic. She did them before marriage and she is free to do whatever she feels like may or may not be healthy for the marriage. That is what this society has plenty of that me, me, me, I do whatever I want logic going on now. Do whatever makes YOU feel good regardless of the affects on marriage or anything else. OP you will hear plenty of that in today's society.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

Regardless of the banter, I greatly appreciate your insights. I am working on addressing this poitively.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

jjtam said:


> Regardless of the banter, I greatly appreciate your insights. I am working on addressing this poitively.


Well, her going back to 2-3 day trips sounds like a wonderful compromise instead of these long vacations away from her nuclear family. 
Since that was the condition when these started it should be a no brainer to go back to them since it didn't seem to strain the relationship then.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

hinterdir said:


> Well, her going back to 2-3 day trips sounds like a wonderful compromise instead of these long vacations away from her nuclear family.
> Since that was the condition when these started it should be a no brainer to go back to them since it didn't seem to strain the relationship then.


I don't disagree, but at this point, I've made as many comments as I'd please about the length of the trip. If I were to push hard enough (which I will not), I would create resentment with her. Furthermore, any change on her behalf would impact her three friends and their children. Alternatively, I can continue to "suck it up" and hope for the best. I'm quite worried about that approach.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@jjtam do your wife and her daughters go to the same family condo every year?

How did she afford to go on these trips and support herself (and her daughters) before you and she were married? 

I think you can voice your concerns regarding her annual trip but if this is something that's she's always participated in, then the best you can hope for is that you and she can compromise on the length of the trip. Maybe ask her to limit it to 5 days (Monday - Friday). She can enjoy her time with friends while you work but still have some time together when you're not working over the weekend.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yet she's not worried about creating resentment with you. Hmmm. Interesting, that.

You can bet your ass if I were taking an 8 day vacation without my husband----- because I had summers off and he didn't because he was carrying more of the financial load for the family--- I'd have a heart to heart discussion with him at the very start of the trip plans forming to make sure he was okay with said vacation. 

That's what close, loving partners do.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

Lila said:


> @jjtam do your wife and her daughters go to the same family condo every year?
> 
> How did she afford to go on these trips and support herself (and her daughters) before you and she were married?
> 
> I think you can voice your concerns regarding her annual trip but if this is something that's she's always participated in, then the best you can hope for is that you and she can compromise on the length of the trip. Maybe ask her to limit it to 5 days (Monday - Friday). She can enjoy her time with friends while you work but still have some time together when you're not working over the weekend.


Yes. Same place every year. Beyond gas to get there, food is the only other expense. It's quite inexpensive.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

StarFires said:


> The things you said seemed so hard-lined and blamed it all on her, when none of it is her fault. She's a grown woman and doesn't have to do what he says. She's been doing these vacations since long before she met him, so how do you and he think she's supposed to stop just because he says so? He doesn't like that she goes, and she doesn't agree. That's the end of that. His is not the last word or deciding factor, but several things you said indicated it's supposed to be.
> 
> Secondly, the need for compromise is not only up to her but up to him. But you raked her over the coals for not attempting to compromise.
> 
> ...


Well, I guess we are just going to disagree.
I raked her over the coals? That's funny.
Drama much?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

jjtam said:


> Yes. Same place every year. Beyond gas to get there, food is the only other expense. It's quite inexpensive.


So from everything you've posted, this really does sound like an envy issue. You can't take off for a week long vacation because of your job so neither can she. I think it's unfair to ask her to give up doing something she's done since before you two were married simply to appease your envy. 

Would it help you if she limited her trip to a 5-day weekday trip with her daughters and friends?


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

Lila said:


> So from everything you've posted, this really does sound like an envy issue. You can't take off for a week long vacation because of your job so neither can she. I think it's unfair to ask her to give up doing something she's done since before you two were married simply to appease your envy.
> 
> Would it help you if she limited her trip to a 5-day weekday trip with her daughters and friends?


I think you may be right. That is something I struggle internally with. The difference is that it has ballooned into a vacation instead of a get together.

Two years ago I had to drive to a town a few hours away from our home near her annual beach vacation (~1 hour away) on Sundays to work during the week. I drove back on Fridays. It was very taxing to spend a large amount of my time traveling, sleeping in hotel beds, and working like crazy. I was wiped out. I didn't have time to go to the beach. Even if I did, I had no desire to since I was there alone. I would eat rotisserie chickens and frozen veggies from the grocerie store because you know how fun it is to spend your own money to go out to eat at a restaurant alone in a booth by yourself for a couple of months. While I was there, my wife had her annual beach trip about an hour away. That experience was very bad. I was alone trying to support my family. I was tired. She was on vacation.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

jjtam said:


> I think you may be right. That is something I struggle internally with. The difference is that it has ballooned into a vacation instead of a get together.
> 
> Two years ago I had to drive to a town a few hours away from our home near her annual beach vacation (~1 hour away) on Sundays to work during the week. I drove back on Fridays. It was very taxing to spend a large amount of my time traveling, sleeping in hotel beds, and working like crazy. I was wiped out. I didn't have time to go to the beach. Even if I did, I had no desire to since I was there alone. I would eat rotisserie chickens and frozen veggies from the grocerie store because you know how fun it is to spend your own money to go out to eat at a restaurant alone in a booth by yourself for a couple of months. While I was there, my wife had her annual beach trip about an hour away. That experience was very bad. I was alone trying to support my family. I was tired. She was on vacation.


Wait this was for your job?


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Wait this was for your job?


Yes. I was contracting at the time.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

jjtam said:


> I think you may be right. That is something I struggle internally with. The difference is that it has ballooned into a vacation instead of a get together.
> 
> Two years ago I had to drive to a town a few hours away from our home near her annual beach vacation (~1 hour away) on Sundays to work during the week. I drove back on Fridays. It was very taxing to spend a large amount of my time traveling, sleeping in hotel beds, and working like crazy. I was wiped out. I didn't have time to go to the beach. Even if I did, I had no desire to since I was there alone. I would eat rotisserie chickens and frozen veggies from the grocerie store because you know how fun it is to spend your own money to go out to eat at a restaurant alone in a booth by yourself for a couple of months. While I was there, my wife had her annual beach trip about an hour away. That experience was very bad. I was alone trying to support my family. I was tired. She was on vacation.


I think you're arguing semantics here. Vacation, get-together, girls getaway.... Doesn't matter. You have a hard time dealing with the fact the she's got a job that allows her the freedom to enjoy her summers while you don't. And please don't take this the wrong way but I'm not buying the whole "supporting the family" line. Before you two were married, she was still taking this vacation AND supporting herself and her daughters. I'm not saying that having two incomes and sharing expenses doesn't make for better living conditions but the truth is she'd still be taking these trips every year even if you two were to go your separate ways tomorrow. Again, not saying these things to make you feel bad but I am trying to get you to focus on the true issue which is your envy. 

Trust me, I get it. I've been in your shoes, being the one having to work while my SO was having fun with friends and family. I actually enjoyed the times my ex was gone on his annual "boys weekend". I used that time to either bond with my son or (when he got older and went on the trips) do my thing (binge MY Netflix shows, read my smut novels, eat whatever I want without having to worry about satisfying everybody's palate). 

Do you enjoy the work you do? Do you get satisfaction from it? 

Are you generally happy with your life?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

jjtam said:


> Yes. I was contracting at the time.


It doesn’t sound like you like being alone. Especially when you know your wife is having fun without you. 

Listen I’m not saying that feels good to anyone, but it’s only once a year and doesn’t your wife deserve to do something that makes her really happy?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

You may have already said, what is your job? What is her job?
How much time vacation do you get a year? Wife? Is she a teacher?
If you work, where is your son during the day since she left or is leaving and it will just be you and him but you still work?
Why did the trips go from 2-3 days to 8? 
What was her exact reply when you brought it up about you feeling a little iffy about her taking 8 day trips now? Do you trust her? Do you have any suspicions of her misbehaving or partying while there or are all of these women married and no men around?
Was she sympathetic or "I'll do what I'm gonna do and I couldn't care less if you like it or not"?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

If she was doing this all the time then it would be a problem. But it’s once a year...


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

Lila said:


> I think you're arguing semantics here. Vacation, get-together, girls getaway.... Doesn't matter. You have a hard time dealing with the fact the she's got a job that allows her the freedom to enjoy her summers while you don't. And please don't take this the wrong way but I'm not buying the whole "supporting the family" line. Before you two were married, she was still taking this vacation AND supporting herself and her daughters. I'm not saying that having two incomes and sharing expenses doesn't make for better living conditions but the truth is she'd still be taking these trips every year even if you two were to go your separate ways tomorrow. Again, not saying these things to make you feel bad but I am trying to get you to focus on the true issue which is your envy.
> 
> Trust me, I get it. I've been in your shoes, being the one having to work while my SO was having fun with friends and family. I actually enjoyed the times my ex was gone on his annual "boys weekend". I used that time to either bond with my son or (when he got older and went on the trips) do my thing (binge MY Netflix shows, read my smut novels, eat whatever I want without having to worry about satisfying everybody's palate).
> 
> ...


Both of her parents passed away and she inherited a modest amount of money, not enough to support herself indefinitely. At that time, she was working part time and was earning $10,000 per year. She would have run out of money on that path quickly.

She now has a full time (summers off) job. It still is not enough income to support her and our daughters long term if I was not in the picture. I most definitely was supporting my family as I was earning $125 per hour at that time.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

jjtam said:


> Both of her parents passed away and she inherited a modest amount of money, not enough to support herself indefinitely. At that time, she was working part time and was earning $10,000 per year. She would have run out of money on that path quickly.
> 
> She now has a full time (summers off) job. It still is not enough income to support her and our daughters long term if I was not in the picture. I most definitely was supporting my family as I was earning $125 per hour at that time.


Listen, it doesn't matter. She'd find a way to support herself and her kids if she had to. That's my point. You bringing up your "sacrifices for the family" is not a good argument. Focus on the true nature for your issues.... Envy. 

There's nothing wrong with admitting you're jealous of her having fun while you work. It's human nature. The key is to not let it affect you to the point where you build resentment. Nothing will kill a relationship faster than resentment. 

I'm going to ask again..... Would you be okay with your wife going for 5 days during the week (M-F) and being home to spend the weekend together?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Would you agree that you need to talk to her about this sooner rather than later? That your not talking much after her being back after her vacation is pretty terrible. She should be happy and feel relaxed and rejuvenated, not be met with the silent treatment. I'd be pissed if I returned home to that.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> Would you agree that you need to talk to her about this sooner rather than later? That your not talking much after her being back after her vacation is pretty terrible. She should be happy and feel relaxed and rejuvenated, not be met with the silent treatment. I'd be pissed if I returned home to that.


I'm sitting next to her on the couch. Come on. We are speaking. This topic is what is of concern.

Yes. I agree we need to talk about this quickly. It's been all of one day since she got home. I want to gather my thoughts and get perspective before entering an uncomfortable conversation. I appreciate everyone's perspective.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

jjtam said:


> She came home from her annual trip yesterday. We aren't talking all that much.


I was going by this info you dropped in your OP. I certainly didn't mean talk to her right this second. I said sooner rather than later.

Good luck.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

jjtam said:


> I'm sitting next to her on the couch. Come on. We are speaking. This topic is what is of concern.
> 
> Yes. I agree we need to talk about this quickly. It's been all of one day since she got home. I want to gather my thoughts and get perspective before entering an uncomfortable conversation. I appreciate everyone's perspective.


Are the 7-8 day trips now the norm going forward?
You have never said how the conversations go when you and her talk about this?
Who watches your son while you are working and she is gone?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jjtam said:


> We have dad/son time all the time. I have chosen to remain an active part of his life. I chose to limit my career opportunities 11 years ago to remain in his life 50% of the time. I would have taken him 100% of the time, but his mother would not have agreed.


That's lovely, but doesn't change the fact that you seem to want your wife to take your son on her vacation thereby further limiting your time with him.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> That's lovely, but doesn't change the fact that you seem to want your wife to take your son on her vacation thereby further limiting your time with him.


This topic is one I refuse to bow to. I will say it again. Eleven years ago I chose to limit my career opportunities to uphold my obligations as a dad. In fact, I moved into a house in the same town which is farther from work to maintain my relationship with my son and coparent him with my ex-wife. I made that choice so he can remain friends with kids he went to preschool with. They are still his best friends going into high school this year (albeit Covid permitting).

Today, because of those choices, I had the joy of dropping off and picking up my son from drivers ed. I know it's a trivial and mundane part of normal life, but I consciously chose to create this day eleven years ago.

Please do not question my committment to my son.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@jjtam it is time for a new tradition in your family.

A new father and son vacation when you and your son have the exact same number of days as a special bonding vacation.

Either at the same time as her vacation or the day after she gets back.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

JJ,

Are there other issues with her trips, does she get drunk at bars and flirt with men?

Does she communicate with you while on these trips or does she go dark.

Are her friends a bad influence on her in your opinion?

Do her friends dislike you or are not supportive of your marriage?

Is you gut going off for some other reason you can't quite quantify?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not everyone is willing to compromise when something is really important to them. What if those trips are a hard line in the sand for her? Can you let it go?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> JJ,
> 
> Are there other issues with her trips, does she get drunk at bars and flirt with men?
> 
> ...


This was something else I was thinking of. Seems strange she doesn't offer to invite her husband. And maybe that's why she takes the kids that are her's? They're more loyal to her than him? But I didn't want to be the doom and gloom guy.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> That's lovely, but doesn't change the fact that you seem to want your wife to take your son on her vacation thereby further limiting your time with him.


It's only ONE week out of 26... and he said ideally the trips would only be a few days rather than a week. Is it really so bad that a parent is willing to sacrifice some of their parenting time so their kid can have fun, feel included, get new memories, and bond with the rest of his (step)family? I don't think so.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Broken at 20 said:


> This was something else I was thinking of. Seems strange she doesn't offer to invite her husband. And maybe that's why she takes the kids that are her's? They're more loyal to her than him? But I didn't want to be the doom and gloom guy.


Come on... The OP already said he doesn't get enough vacation time to go. They go on a yearly family vacation and that's all the time he has.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

bobert said:


> Come on... The OP already said he doesn't get enough vacation time to go. They go on a yearly family vacation and that's all the time he has.


I was more referencing the infidelity aspect. This trip predates the marriage, we don't know the friends' relationship to the marriage and him, we don't know how OP's SO's marriage ended, and we don't know where she is going. 
Maybe she cheated on her first husband (assuming she was married, we don't know, or I just skimmed over it, oops) while on this trip. Maybe her friends are all single and love going out and hooking up, etc., So there's a lot of potential problems that we just don't know the answer to. 

And I think it's very important to know where she is going. 
Maybe it's some random beach on the east coast that isn't big a tourist spot. It's boring with only a few nice restaurants, and the family owns some beach house or something. 

Maybe it's a spring break and summer hot spot where people of all ages go to party, have fun, and dance in bars and clubs that don't close till 6am. 


Ignoring all possible reasons and explanations is never a good idea for this situation is never a good idea. 
Based on what we've been told, I don't think infidelity is a major concern. Probably 25%. But only a fool doesn't consider all scenarios.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

jjtam said:


> If I were to push hard enough (which I will not), I would create resentment with her.


You mean like YOU have now?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP from what you've written I don't think that you're jealous, or even that you have an issue with her going. Your issue with all this is the length of the trips, and I completely understand that. A weekend or long weekend trip with her girlfriends, even a couple of times a year would be no issue.

I personally would hate to be away from my husband for 8 days, but I'm a sook lol. He wouldn't stop me going I don't think, but I would choose not to. I wouldn't give him a hard time if he wanted to go away with his friends, but I would miss him and wouldn't really like it all that much.

Some posters have mentioned you should support your wife's happiness, which you should of course - but what about yours?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> The question is: why aren't you thrilled to have your son all to yourself to get in some good bonding time? Instead, you'd rather be by your lonesome - why?


Maybe because his son is feeling like his stepmom doesn’t give a **** about him.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I think you DO have to have those hard, uncomfortable conversations if you expect this relationship to grow.

sitting on resentments will definitely and quickly kill any love that was ever there!

personally, I see her disrespect. I’d have a bigger issue with not telling you directly as soon as the time away is booked.

are there other ways she disrespects you? You need to talk with her about the way that affects you.

iF you want her away time shortened - then say so. She should at least be willing to consider it - otherwise she’s also discounting your feelings - which looks terribly selfish of her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Your sabotaging your relationship by thinking this is a big deal. It’s her annual tradition that she had before she met you. You should be happy she still does it!
> She doesn’t mention it to you because she knows you don’t approve. Communication will not improve is you continue to be a baby about her going on vacation. Be happy that your wife is happy, be happy when your wife is looking forward to something. You should have the attitude of... she works hard and she deserves this girls trip. And she should think the same about you.
> 
> If you want your marriage to improve, be on the same team. Let her be her own person and be happy she is.


So he is being a child because he isn’t ok with vacationing separately. WTF

If I read his OP correctly this weekend getaways went from a few days to 8 days.

He has tried to talk with his wife about it and she blows him off. And your calling OP the child, at least he has tried to communicate his concerns with his wife.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

StarFires said:


> The things you said seemed so hard-lined and blamed it all on her, when none of it is her fault. She's a grown woman and doesn't have to do what he says. She's been doing these vacations since long before she met him, so how do you and he think she's supposed to stop just because he says so? He doesn't like that she goes, and she doesn't agree. That's the end of that. His is not the last word or deciding factor, but several things you said indicated it's supposed to be.
> 
> Secondly, the need for compromise is not only up to her but up to him. But you raked her over the coals for not attempting to compromise.
> 
> ...


The thing is this, they are married now.

Marriage is a give and take. It sounds like OP’s wife is doing all the taking. Like he has said, she dismisses his feelings on this saying it no big deal.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lila said:


> So from everything you've posted, this really does sound like an envy issue. You can't take off for a week long vacation because of your job so neither can she. I think it's unfair to ask her to give up doing something she's done since before you two were married simply to appease your envy.
> 
> Would it help you if she limited her trip to a 5-day weekday trip with her daughters and friends?


The trips started out as 2-3 days and are now 8. I think that is the problem. The wife has shut him down by what he is saying. She doesn’t give a **** if he isn’t happy about it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lila said:


> Listen, it doesn't matter. She'd find a way to support herself and her kids if she had to. That's my point. You bringing up your "sacrifices for the family" is not a good argument. Focus on the true nature for your issues.... Envy.
> 
> There's nothing wrong with admitting you're jealous of her having fun while you work. It's human nature. The key is to not let it affect you to the point where you build resentment. Nothing will kill a relationship faster than resentment.
> 
> I'm going to ask again..... Would you be okay with your wife going for 5 days during the week (M-F) and being home to spend the weekend together?


How did this go to him lying about supporting his family?

It sounds like he is the main bread winner her and his wife playing at work.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jjtam I am going to echo another post.

Your need to plan out a trip for you and your son and maybe some of your friends. Wife and daughters are not to go. Make it 7-8 days and have fun. Just mark it on the calendar, I really wonder what her reaction would be.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

As I see it, there’s nothing wrong with an annual girls trip, especially with daughters attending at a family/friends vacation house. (I might feel differently if it were just her and her friends in Cancun, etc). 

I understand that you don’t want your son left out, but there’s nothing wrong with girls having girl time. 

On the same token, there’s nothing wrong with you having guy time with your friends and or son. As others have noted, coordinate with your wife in advance and agree on a week or long weekend that would work for both of you, where she can take her daughters on a girl trip and you can take your son on a men’s trip with some buddies. If you can’t take a week off since you’re still working in the summer, take a Friday or a Monday and make your trip a long weekend. You and your wife can still coordinate so the trips overlap.

That being said, you get a say in the situation because you’re married. Your wife doesn’t get to unilaterally choose when, where and how such a trip will happen without input and discussion with you. That doesn’t mean you get to be a dictator or a tyrant, but it does mean you have every right to expect to be notified well in advance and to be consulted on the timing and duration of the trip. 

My advice, for what it’s worth: sit her down and have a rational conversation about it. Don’t be passive aggressive about it, don’t be emotional, don’t act butthurt, just tell her it’s an issue for you that you want to resolve together. Tell her that you understand that the trip is important to her and you support her going and having girl time with her daughters and her friends, but you’re not comfortable with such a long trip. Be clear that as her husband, you expect to be consulted on her plans well ahead of time. Offer to compromise on the length of the trip, shifting it back towards a long weekend or maybe five days like it was in the beginning. It seems to me there should be a reasonable compromise here.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> @jjtam it is time for a new tradition in your family.
> 
> A new father and son vacation when you and your son have the exact same number of days as a special bonding vacation.
> 
> Either at the same time as her vacation or the day after she gets back.


An interesting idea, and could result in some unexpected consequences. You might see competition for who can have the most fun! Sending photos and texts back & forth. Guess it could get a bit awkward for the kids though, as they notice the competition.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It starts as a weekend away. Then three days, then a week, then two weeks, then an entire month, then...

At what point does it become too much? Too long?

It's almost as if she has two families. Her real, natural family and her other "pseudo" family with her other husband and the stepson.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> It starts as a weekend away. Then three days, then a week, then two weeks, then an entire month, then...
> 
> At what point does it become too much? Too long?
> 
> It's almost as if she has two families. Her real, natural family and her other "pseudo" family with her other husband and the stepson.


What i am thinking. Like this was something her and daughters did pre-marriage and the outsiders(step-dad and step-brother) are not wanted in the click.Holding on to something from life before OP. To be a fly on the wall when the kids go to bed and the old gang gets to talk about the times. 

I sux that son is not invited or wanted on the trip to the family beach house but her friends and their kids are. Son gets to sit at home by himself all day that week while dad works and mom/sisters are at the beach having a time.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

ABHale said:


> So he is being a child because he isn’t ok with vacationing separately. WTF
> 
> If I read his OP correctly this weekend getaways went from a few days to 8 days.
> 
> He has tried to talk with his wife about it and she blows his off. And your calling OP the child, at least he has tried to communicate his concerns with his wife.


Vacation separately? It’s important to have a life outside your spouse. Friendships outside the marriage are important. 
They go on vacation every year together!! 
Geez people on here do not think it’s ok to have friends and a life outside their spouse. That’s ridiculous. 

They are at a standstill. He doesn’t want her to go, and she wants to go. It’s clearly important to her. 


Sorry guys, I can’t go in the girls trip anymore even though we have been doing it for 15 years my husband doesn’t want to be left alone. That’s insane!! And super controlling.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I’m sorry but he is going to cause harm to this relationship. He is going to ruin it. She looks forward to this one week, and her husband is going to be responsible to taking that joy away from her. Think about that. 

He is not saying go with me instead. He is saying do not go at all. This is insane. Personally I would not be ok with this.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

My wife leaves Saturday for a trip and won’t be back until the following Sunday.

I would love to take off, but I don’t want to go on a girls trip and I am the breadwinner, so I don’t go. No problem with that at all.

In my opinion, unless you think there is something damaging to the marriage about her on the trip (not your reaction to them), then you should not get bothered by it. If you had a infant or toddler son and the burden to care for him and work fell to you for all of that time I would understand. However, he is 14, aside from making sure he has food it is not a real burden. You guys could take advantage of the time, go out to dinners, watch some movies together, build something play a game, or whatever.

My wife being gone next week does not change all that much of my daily routine, and I would not begrudge her the opportunity.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Vacation separately? It’s important to have a life outside your spouse. Friendships outside the marriage are important.
> They go on vacation every year together!!
> Geez people on here do not think it’s ok to have friends and a life outside their spouse. That’s ridiculous.
> 
> ...


You did not address hin beibg ok with 2-3 days but not changing it to 8.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Vacation separately? It’s important to have a life outside your spouse. Friendships outside the marriage are important.
> They go on vacation every year together!!
> Geez people on here do not think it’s ok to have friends and a life outside their spouse. That’s ridiculous.
> 
> ...


Sorry to bust your little bubble but yes.

He had no problem with it when it was a few days. He started having problems when it went to over a week. He never has said to end the girl’s trip, he has a problem with how long it has gotten sense they have been together. So this isn’t something he is trying to end, he just wants it to go back to the original length of time. Why is that so bad on his part?

If she wants to do whatever she wants, she can always go back to being a single mom. Because the more I read the more it sounds like she is just a spoiled brat that only gives a damn about herself and her girls.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I’m sorry but he is going to cause harm to this relationship. He is going to ruin it. She looks forward to this one week, and her husband is going to be responsible to taking that joy away from her. Think about that.
> 
> He is not saying go with me instead. He is saying do not go at all. This is insane. Personally I would not be ok with this.


It can also be said that she is going to cause harm and has already damaged the relationship by just dismissing jjtam’s feelings on this matter.

He is not saying don’t do it at all. He has a problem with how long it has become.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ABHale said:


> The trips started out as 2-3 days and are now 8. I think that is the problem. The wife has shut him down by what he is saying. She doesn’t give a **** if he isn’t happy about it.





ABHale said:


> How did this go to him lying about supporting his family?
> 
> It sounds like he is the main bread winner her and his wife playing at work.


We'll have to agree to disagree on the true nature for his feelings. In my opinion, anyone who has an issue with their spouse going away for an inexpensive trip, with small children, to a family owned condominium for one week a year, and would rather have them stay home while he's working is either envious of the spouse having fun without him, can't stand being alone, has no friends, or is co-dependent. Just my opinion and I'm not going to debate it. 

The OP chooses not to answer direct questions specifically asking for more detail. He spins the answers to make it appear like he's the victim of his evil wife actions. 

He's envious of a situation that existed before he was married. That is how I see it having experienced the same thing in my own marriage. It took therapy for me to understand why I was experiencing those feelings which were partly due to my personality and partly feeling like a last priority in my marriage. 

OP won't answer questions that would probably add context to his marriage in general so it's impossible to say if his envy/resentment is due to other perceived issues in his marriage or personal issues.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I wonder why her first marriage ended?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I wonder why her first marriage ended?


Or his?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It appears the OPs problem isn't the trip but it's the trip compounded with other M problems.

In a good M, sep trips within reason aren't or shouldn't be an issue.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

OP you should start making plans on your own. You can go to the same condo and spend a weekend with friends and your son. If it's only an hour away it's not a long drive at all. You can also plan camping trips or just day trips to get away and enjoy something new.

What's the big deal about spending 8 days at the condo when the rest of the year your wife is home? This is worrisome behavior to me. 

Like the said, I go on trips without my husband. Sometimes I spend about a month away from my husband. Now I know how really lucky I am! He also goes on little trips with his buddies or our kids. Do I feel jealous I have to stay because of work? Yes, I feel jealous, but I'm not going to blame my lack of time off on my husband.

I believe in giving your spouse space and freedom to pursue different goals and interests. After we come back from our trips we feel closer, we appreciate our company even more. A little bit of distance here and there has been wonderful for our relationship. I highly recommend it!!


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I'm unable to reply with the usual quoted texts for some strange reason, so @ABHale;'s responses that I'm replying to are in quotes and italics.

Blondilocks said:
The question is: why aren't you thrilled to have your son all to yourself to get in some good bonding time? Instead, you'd rather be by your lonesome - why?

_"Maybe because his son is feeling like his stepmom doesn’t give a **** about him."_

So that's the reason he doesn't want to spend bonding time with his son? The reply was completely out of the context of the question and something you conveniently used to create opportunity to denigrate his wife. But you know absolutely nothing about her, so it's just based on conjecture. That portion of the discussion is based on a 3-8 day vacation - one week or less out of the whole year. You have no idea how that woman feels about her stepson. None of us, not even her husband, knows why she doesn't take him. Several people, including myself, have laid out many possible reasons that would be legitimate if true, but nobody knows HER reasons.

*___*


_"He has tried to talk with his wife about it and she blows him off. And your calling OP the child, at least he has tried to communicate his concerns with his wife."_

What you call blowing him off is her maintaining her own opinion about it when he whines like a child that he wants her to stop doing these getaway vacations. That he doesn't want her to go doesn't mean she has to agree with what he says and obey him. Not obeying him is not the same as blowing him off. She's been going since long before she met him. She reconnects with friends she's known since long before she met him. His childish pouting and his jealousy (that he admitted to) is no reason for her stop.

*___*


_"The thing is this, they are married now.

Marriage is a give and take. It sounds like OP’s wife is doing all the taking. Like he has said, she dismisses his feelings on this saying it no big deal."_

How is one issue any indication that she's doing all the taking throughout their entire marriage? This one issue that she simply doesn't obey him means she is doing all of the taking. No it doesn't. This is just more conjecture and needlessly trying to define their whole marriage by blowing this one issue way out of proportion.

*___*


_"The trips started out as 2-3 days and are now 8. I think that is the problem. The wife has shut him down by what he is saying. She doesn’t give a **** if he isn’t happy about it."

"He is not saying don’t do it at all. He has a problem with how long it has become."_

[JJ's actual statement:
When we first started dating, the trips were shorter. Going by memory, I think they were a few days. They have gotten longer. Last years' was the longest at 8 days. What initially was a get together with her long time friends has turned into an annual vacation.....Growing up, vacations were reserved for family.]

The vacation last year was 8 days. You don't know how long it was the year before that or the year before that or the year before that. You don't even know how long it was this year, yet he has been complaining about this trip for years. So he doesn't like that the length of time extended, but that is not his main issue. His main issue is that he doesn't want her to go AT ALL because he's been complaining the whole while and his opinion is that vacations are supposed to be "reserved for family."

*___*


_"It sounds like he is the main bread winner her and his wife playing at work."_

Maybe he'll come back later and tell us who the main breadwinner is, but there's nothing he has said up to this point that gives anyone any reason to make this kind of statement. It's just more conjecture. And it doesn't matter anyway. The fact is that she works and contributes, and employment that operates on a school system schedule is hardly "playing at work." I'm sure all the hard-working and well-meaning teachers of the world, including those who tried so hard to educate you, would really appreciate your contemptuous and belittling comment. But she could work in the lunchroom for all I care. It's still sincere and gainful employment.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> I wonder why her first marriage ended?


I wonder why his first marriage ended.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

pastasauce79 said:


> OP you should start making plans on your own. You can go to the same condo and spend a weekend with friends and your son. If it's only an hour away it's not a long drive at all. You can also plan camping trips or just day trips to get away and enjoy something new.
> 
> What's the big deal about spending 8 days at the condo when the rest of the year your wife is home? This is worrisome behavior to me.
> 
> ...


This is the "I am the precedent" argument.
Oh because YOU do it that makes it the norm and good for every relationship. It does not.

You spending a month away from your spuse has no bearing on anyone else.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

hinterdir said:


> This is the "I am the precedent" argument.
> Oh because YOU do it that makes it the norm and good for every relationship. It does not.
> 
> You spending a month away from your spuse has no bearing on anyone else.


I'm only giving an example of what's posible. If it doesn't appeal to you, that's fine. Just move along. No big deal.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@jjtam,

How many days vacation do you get each year?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Take a trip to Europe with your son only. you'll see how much your wife will like it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He considers his wife's daughters as his daughters.

Does she consider her husband's son as her son or as a stepson?

I fear that the girl's week out might be a glimpse into a relationship that if not in trouble might be troubled.

I'd suggest counselling.

Incidentally, does this holiday/vacation really bother your son, or not?

Does your wife understand the bad optics this might give people?

Does she make it up to your son when she come back?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> He considers his wife's daughters as his daughters.
> 
> Does she consider her husband's son as her son or as a stepson?
> 
> ...


Well, I can see how the situation, just between husband and wife could have some issues. Some people are for taking trips apart and some are not. If there is a mismatch in the values each of them share there is bound to be some conflict. 

From the daughter's view though I could totally see them not wanting some married into step brother situation infringing in an area he has never been before and frankly there could be the strong possibility that they do not want him there. 
If it is mom and daughters and then new step dad enters the picture and he brings along new step-brother. Who knows what the relationship is like. They may not care for him and want to get away from him. They may like him but still want this alone time with mom like they've always had or they could have accepted him so deeply as a brother that they would welcome him to come with them. There is a lot of possibilities of how this could be when she is their real mom and there was a time this brother wasn't in their lives and then bringing him on a trip that had always been just real moms and real daughters. 
There could be a chance he wouldn't be welcome at all on this trip in the daughter's view. 
Who knows.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Tasorundo said:


> Or his?


We at least know that jjtam and his ex get along great as coparents.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

StarFires said:


> I'm unable to reply with the usual quoted texts for some strange reason, so @ABHale;'s responses that I'm replying to are in quotes and italics.
> 
> Blondilocks said:
> The question is: why aren't you thrilled to have your son all to yourself to get in some good bonding time? Instead, you'd rather be by your lonesome - why?
> ...


Can you not read OP’s responses about his time with his son? 

The job opportunities he has given up so he can be there for his son?

Can we not get over his relationship with his son already. This has nothing to do with quality time with his son which he is already doing. There is already one of the girls that takes her son with them.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

ABHale said:


> Can you not read OP’s responses about his time with his son?
> 
> The job opportunities he has given up so he can be there for his son?
> 
> Can we not get over his relationship with his son already. This has nothing to do with quality time with his son which he is already doing. There is already one of the girls that takes her son with them.


Out of context again. And again contrived just so you can insult somebody....another woman.

Thanks anyway but I'm not interested.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Why the hell would a 14 year old boy want to go on a vacation with his step mom and a bunch of girls!?!?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And then once he goes, all the other boys will have to go because it won’t be fair otherwise, then it will not only NOT be a a girls trip, but then the OP will again be all alone while his wife and son are on vacation! It doesn’t make sense people!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> And then once he goes, all the other boys will have to go because it won’t be fair otherwise, then it will not only NOT be a a girls trip, but then the OP will again be all alone while his wife and son are on vacation! It doesn’t make sense people!


It makes sense. A 14 year old is old enough to have fun with other kids of varying ages and sexes. My boys sure did-- went on a little vacation with my friend and her 4 children (3 girls one boy) mix of ages. Everyone had a blast. No one's (step) child was left out.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello JJTAM. Here are my tuppence worth of thoughts on this matter:

I fully understand where your comments are coming from.

When the two of you married and blended your families, you started a new family with your own traditions etc. Anything that was done in the past did not necessarily apply to this new family. Especially when you took on the responsibility of raising her two daughters in addition to your son.

Family vacations are sacred - putting money and time off aside, it is the bonding experience that every family needs and it needs to be special. It is hardly special if "get togethers" with her friends from her previous life last longer (8 days vs a week) and are exclusive (exclude you and your son). Your wife needs to understand this and have some empathy.

It doesn't matter if she does not work during the summer - she could be supporting you, comforting you, helping you in other ways in stead of hanging around with a bunch of other friends and with leaving your (the two of you in this version of your) son out of it simply because it used to not be like this before and her "friends" might take exception or be concerned about it. You can see how this is bullcrap thinking. She needs to be looking to please her family first and not others.

The fact that she is ignoring what you have told her is of even greater concern. It is like she feels entitled to this and does not take your views or feelings into consideration at all. This, as you say, has led to you not talkking to her about it anymore. This is not healthy for your marriage.

She needs to either commit to this marriage and the new life it entails or not - there should be no half-way house here. The new life says that she now has three kids to consider in her planning, she has a hard working husband that takes care of her and these kids and whom she presumably loves, and she has new traditions to make with this family and it's friends (friends of the marriage). The friends need to understand this else they too are destructive to your relationship.

You need to determine where her priorities are. At the moment they sound like they are something like this:

1. Her daughters
2. Her
3. Her lifestyle and comforts
4. Her friends of old
5. Her vacation with you.
5(a). Maybe her other family members and parents etc
6. You

It should be:

1. You
2. Your marriage
3. Your joint kids
4. Your family vacations
5. Everything else

Now I may have got this wrong but you do need to make her understand this and if she still does not, then I suggest the next step is marriage counselling and if that does not work, then you may need to reconsider this marriage and relationship.

I would be furious if I was working my a$$ into the ground while she was busy laughing it up with who she really seems to care about (her daughters and then friends of old). Even if it was not expensive, and she had the time to do it.

And for those who keep referring to it as a girls trip - two comments: it is not a girls trip as other male children are there; AND girls trips do not get taken at the expense of family and spousal happiness and comfort.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> And then once he goes, all the other boys will have to go because it won’t be fair otherwise, then it will not only NOT be a a girls trip, but then the OP will again be all alone while his wife and son are on vacation! It doesn’t make sense people!


But they allow at least one of the other women's sons to attend but not OP's boy? So you see the unfair situation that you have identified already exists.

So you are right. This doesn't make sense.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> Hello JJTAM. Here are my tuppence worth of thoughts on this matter:
> 
> I fully understand where your comments are coming from.
> 
> ...


Just because there is one male baby there doesn’t mean it’s not a girls trip. 

Neglecting your husbands happiness and comfort?? Really? She can also say that by forbidding her to take these trips that make her happy is neglecting HER happiness. 

We’re talking about one week here. For all we know they have a great and loving happy marriage. The OP says that his wife treats his son like he’s her own. And people like you are trying to put this negative toxic advice into his ear and your trying to turn him against his wife. Your trying to make him think negatively if his wife. That’s really bad advice. 

We are suppose to rice advice that makes marriages better, that improves relationships not ruins them. 

He can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do. All he can do is control his actions and his opinions about the matter. It’s one week out of the year...


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> But they allow at least one of the other women's sons to attend but not OP's boy? So you see the unfair situation that you have identified already exists.
> 
> So you are right. This doesn't make sense.


It’s a child though.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I mean, why would she talk to him about it for the umpteenth time when as far as she's concerned it isn't negotiable and she's going to go? Seriously. Why have to go through that every year just to go on a friggin vacation with your friends that is tradition?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I wonder if the responses would be different if it were a dude going away with his two kids, leaving the stepkid behind, for 8 days, without even talking about the dates with his wife, said wife (she hears about it from one is the kids) ---- wife who works harder than him and brings in the bulk of the household income.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> It’s a child though.


All he said was that one takes her younger son, implying she has an older son who doesn't go.

That woman's younger son may in fact be close to the age of the OPs son.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I wonder if the responses would be different if it were a dude going away with his two kids, leaving the stepkid behind, for 8 days, without even talking about the dates with his wife, said wife (she hears about it from one is the kids) ---- wife who works harder than him and brings in the bulk of the household income.


Well, today's society is obsessed with self. 
We are our own little God's and a marriage is just some sort of club you join....your life when single doesn't change too much, you still get to just act single for the most part and if anything of the marriage and the marriage bond gets in the way of doing what you feel like doing well then you just do what you want...you know, doing everything you want is the most important. The commitment to marriage, valuing and protecting the marriage bond from a society bent on flipping people up isn't important to many these days. 
This society is all about "do whatever you want to do" if anyone else is hurt by it or doesn't approve, to hell with him. You indulging every whim you have is the most important.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I wonder if the responses would be different if it were a dude going away with his two kids, leaving the stepkid behind, for 8 days, without even talking about the dates with his wife, said wife (she hears about it from one is the kids) ---- wife who works harder than him and brings in the bulk of the household income.


I don’t think it would be. And I bet the OPs wife would be happy if her husband took a week off to have a guys trip with his son.

It’s not like she is choosing a vacation with her friends Over him.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

hinterdir said:


> Well, today's society is obsessed with self.
> We are our own little God's and a marriage is just some sort of club you join....your life when single doesn't change too much, you still get to just act single for the most part and if anything of the marriage and the marriage bond gets in the way of doing what you feel like doing well then you just do what you want...you know, doing everything you want is the most important. The commitment to marriage, valuing and protecting the marriage bond from a society bent on flipping people up isn't important to many these days.
> This society is all about "do whatever you want to do" if anyone else is hurt by it or doesn't approve, to hell with him. You indulging every whim you have is the most important.


You can’t make your entire existence about your spouse and your marriage. We have a greater purpose than that. We need to work, contribute to society, be good daughters/sons, and mothers/fathers, and grandparents, and friends. 
You can not get everything you need from your spouse. You would go crazy and be very disappointed in life if you think your spouse will fulfill all your relationship needs.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Let's say she cancels the trip, and all future trips with her friends. How would you feel OP? Would you be happy? Or would you feel like crap because she no longer does what she's done for a long time with her lifelong friends. I know I would feel like crap if I took away something my partner loved to do so he could sit around in an empty house. I urge you to explore if you want to be your wife's sole source of happiness, if you are resentful that she has fun with other people without you. Because it appears that you don't like her having fun. That is a childish attitude, imo. Reminds me of my brother when he would pout about something I got that he didn't when we were kids.

Some of the responses in this thread are extremely hostile toward his wife. This woman is going on a family vacation, bringing kids with her, at a condo she doesn't even have to pay for. Just think of how much worse it could be. She could be kid free, drinking, flirting. This trip, imo, is harmless. I can't believe how she's perceived by some in this thread.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I wonder if the responses would be different if it were a dude going away with his two kids, leaving the stepkid behind, for 8 days, without even talking about the dates with his wife, said wife (she hears about it from one is the kids) ---- wife who works harder than him and brings in the bulk of the household income.


My opinion would not change if it was a wife with a 14 year old daughter and a husband looking to take his 11 and 9 year old boys on a guys getaway with two male friends and their sons. 

I lived a similar situation (sans kids) with my ex-husband. I was the bread winner at the time and he took an annual vacation with his college buddies every year. The trips were always planned for September or October so a 2-3 week advance notice was all he gave me, sometimes less. It did bother me but they were my feelings to resolve not his to fix.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

StarFires said:


> Out of context again. And again contrived just so you can insult somebody....another woman.
> 
> Thanks anyway but I'm not interested.


Anything I say is conjecture.

Anything you say is the same.

Trust that I am holding back on this. My personal experience with my step mom lead to my dad divorcing her to protect us kids.

I have said nothing about her being anything like my ex stepmother.

The only thing I have mentioned is in response to people going after jjtam for not wanting to spend quality time with his son. He has mentioned several times that he has.

This thread is to help him deal with his wife’s trip going from 2-3 days to over a week. It is not about him spending quality time with his son.

All I have said is that it is wrong of her to shut him down on how he feels about it. Marriage is a give and take to work through things. Not a just deal with it.

Jjtam has never said he wants her to stop the girls getaway. He just wants it back to 2-3 days like it was.

Sorry but from the way he talks it is like his wife takes him for granted. I have been there in my own marriage. I know what my wife has said about it. We have seen a female MC over it. My wife left each session in tears and apologizing. Before the MC I finally had enough and told her that she could have a divorce when ever she wanted it that I was finished trying. She is the one that has been fighting for the marriage the past 5 years. She is the one that found the MC and asked me to go with her.

jjtam and his wife need to fix this before he tells his wife the same thing I told mine. I let to many years go by with out fixing the problems. To many years of my wife not wanting to talk about it and myself not pushing the issue.

I am not trying to insult anyone, I am trying to get jjtam to open his eyes to the bigger issue. The fact that his wife won’t even talk it out knowing he has a problem with it. This is a great way to start the end of the marriage. I am sure he is building resentment over the fact that he is working his ass off for the family and she won’t even get a job that can help out more. My wife did the same thing when she went back to work. I still work 60-70 hours a week and she got a job to be off with the kids during the summer and breaks making less then 10k a year. I know where his marriage will end up if they don’t fix things now.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Both my mom and dad took off to go places separately. Mom had 13 siblings and that was all the friends she pretty much had, so she'd go see them. Dad would take off to the lake and practically lived there at times. Sometimes I'd go up there too. Sometimes we'd all go. My dad was the jealous type, but even he didn't fuss when she wanted to go somewhere and stay with a sister or whatever, with or without us kids.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lila said:


> My opinion would not change if it was a wife with a 14 year old daughter and a husband looking to take his 11 and 9 year old boys on a guys getaway with two male friends and their sons.
> 
> I lived a similar situation (sans kids) with my ex-husband. I was the bread winner at the time and he took an annual vacation with his college buddies every year. The trips were always planned for September or October so a 2-3 week advance notice was all he gave me, sometimes less. It did bother me but they were my feelings to resolve not his to fix.


And it ended up with him being your ex.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t think it would be. And I bet the OPs wife would be happy if her husband took a week off to have a guys trip with his son.
> 
> It’s not like she is choosing a vacation with her friends Over him.


This is not my experience with my two stepmothers. O hell there would have been blood to pay. My siblings and I paid it with the first one.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ABHale said:


> And it ended up with him being your ex.



You know what they say about assumptions.....if you insist on continuing to make assumptions about me and my marriage, I’ll advise you only this: assume you will always be wrong. 

While it ist true that he's my ex, I assure you it wasn't because of his annual boys trips. But if it makes you feel better to think that, go for it. It speaks more to your agenda than of me and my failed marriage


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Bigger picture is that the girl’s vacation is just the symptom to the bigger issues in the marriage.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lila said:


> You know what they say about assumptions.....if you insist on continuing to make assumptions about me and my marriage, I’ll advise you only this: assume you will always be wrong.
> 
> While it ist true that he's my ex, I assure you it wasn't because of his annual boys trips. But if it makes you feel better to think that, go for it. It speaks more to your agenda than of me and my failed marriage


I am not so stupid to think that it was the one and only reason for your divorce. It is one of the many things that lead to it I believe.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Seriously folks, this is getting ridiculous.

As a few posters have noted, let’s stop assuming motives and demonizing the OP or the wife, or in-fighting with each other.

I could be wrong but the key issue here seems to be that the vacation started out as 3days and has evolved to 8. I really don’t think concerns about the son being left out are really central here, perhaps an adjacent issue.

Either way, I’m sure there are multiple reasonable paths forward here. But none of them involve OP accepting that his wife gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants without input from him and he should just shut up about it. Nor does it involve OP commanding his wife that she can’t go on this trip anymore. How about removing the extremes and focusing on offerings advice on useful, productive, middle ground options...?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ABHale said:


> I am not so stupid to think that it was the one and only reason for your divorce. It is one of the many things that lead to it I believe.


That's not what your post regarding my ex husband's boys trips implied. 



ABHale said:


> And it ended up with him being your ex.


There is obviously something causing the OP to be upset about his wife's trip. Our opinions differ on what is triggering his feelings. Suffice it to say, we don't agree on what those are. 

@jjtam seek some help with an IC to help you figure out the source of your feelings. Once you do that, you'll be able to address the real problems in your relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Moderator warning..... 

Assuming motives and demonizing the OP or the wife, or in-fighting with each other DOES NOT HELP THE OP. You are basically making stuff up. Instead of making assumptions, ask the OP.


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## jjtam (Aug 3, 2020)

Thank you everybody for your insights and replies. I got a lot of incredible advice. I wanted to think about this circumstance objectively, and hearing everyones' thoughts, regardless of where on the spectrum of reasonableness it landed, you helped immensely.

I am going to check out of this conversation. This will be my last post. I plan to continue to work positively on myself any my marraige, regardless of the circumstance. I love my wife very much.

There are times I overanalyze situations and get stuck in my head. Reading your thoughtful responses helped me exit that state quickly. Thank you. That is exactly what I was hoping for. I plan to follow the middle of the road approach to what people here advised.

I will work toward understanding and acceptance in light of the trip length (assuming it doesn't get longer). I value her happiness. Her trips are wonderful (with no inappropriate behavior) experiences for her and her friends. If I say anything, I will discuss the length, not the value of the trip.
I will work toward better communication, particularly regarding this annual trip.
I will continue to divide my parenting equally between my son and daughters. I have no doubt my wife will do the same.
I will work to remember something I forgot during my first marraige to give without expectation of return.
I will consider a "boys' trip," work vacation days permitting.
I will discuss my sons' involvement in this trip with my wife and express my concerns constructively.
I am not the best father and husband in tbe world. I'd like to think I'm far from the worst. Thank you all again. I'll do my best to keep my head on my shoulders. I'll be back if that doesn't hold true.

P.S. - I know I didn't answer a number of questions. Part of that was purposeful because I didn't think it was relevant to this circumstance. Part was because I got barraged with questions in a very short period of time. Finally, part was because I chose not to bow to outlandish low blows. I stayed above the line with my focus on achieving my goal. Thank you again.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lila said:


> That's not what your post regarding my ex husband's boys trips implied.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I should have gone further into it on the first post, that is my fault.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Where does he say that his main issue is the length of time?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As the OP has stated that he will no longer participate he may not answer any questions.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Where does he say that his main issue is the length of time?


In his first post he talks about it. When they first started dating it was only a few days. Then it was 8 days last year. Then he talks about when he was growing up. He was fine with it until it went from a long weekend to over a week. That is what I read.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

jjtam said:


> Thank you everybody for your insights and replies. I got a lot of incredible advice. I wanted to think about this circumstance objectively, and hearing everyones' thoughts, regardless of where on the spectrum of reasonableness it landed, you helped immensely.
> 
> I am going to check out of this conversation. This will be my last post. I plan to continue to work positively on myself any my marraige, regardless of the circumstance. I love my wife very much.
> 
> ...


See there, I know a great guy when I see one. My very best to you and your family JJ, and may you and your wife enjoy and very long, happy, and loving marriage. I'm really sorry you had to endure so much assumptions and conjecture going on.

And you reminded me of.....
_ to give without expectation of return._

.....the very definition of unconditional love.

And please don't forget about the article in my link and to share it with your wife. It's as golden as the concepts in the Love Dare and can really serve as a great addendum so that next time, you'll be reminding yourself of the principles of that one too.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

The thread is long so I just skipped it. It is ok for her to go on vacation with her girlfriends. However, it is not ok to not to keep her husband updated on it ahead of time and him learning this from kids. Very disrespectful. 
it should be put on family calendar way in advance for all to see. If she doesn’t take his son -it is opportnity for OP to plan Dad/son week. Even ifhe can not take the whole week off, he can plan activities or trip for weekend , maybe take Friday off. 
make it fun for yourself and your son.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm locking this thread since @*jjtam* says that he's done posting.


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