# Which relationship are you??



## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

This is in addition to my Unhealthy Boundaries thread. This is another hand out given to us.

1.*The Dependency Relationship*​In the dependency relationship, two people lean on each other themselves. Dependence upon another person sometimes feels good, but it is somewhat confining. When one person wants to move, change or grow, it upsets the other who is leaning on him/her.​
2.*Smothering Relationship*​The vocabulary for this relationship is, "I can't live without you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I will devout myself completely to making you happy. It feels so good to be close to you." Man lovers start out by smothering then gradually release the strangle hold on each other to allow more room for growth. This smothering pattern maybe particularly significant during the honeymoon state of a new love. The smother relationship feels good for a while, but eventually the partners begin to feel trapped.​
3.*Pedestal Relationship*​This "worshipful" relationship says "I love you not for who you are, but for who I think you are, I have and idealized image of you and I'd like to have you live up to that image." It is very precarious on top of the pedestal because there are so many expectations to live up to, you can see the problems of communications here. In love with the person's idealized image, the worshiper is looking up to and trying to communicate with the image instead of with the real person. There is a great deal of emotional distance inherent in this relationship and it is difficult for two people to become close.​
4.*Master/Slave Relationship*​The master acts and is treated according to these ideas: "I'm the head of this family. I'm the boss. I'll make the decisions around here." Do not assume that this relationship necessarily places the male as the boss and the head of the family, there are many females who are masters, making all of the decisions for their families. 

In most relationships one of the partners has a personality which is at least a little stronger than the other and that is not necessarily bad. When the relationship becomes rigid and inflexible and one person is set up to make virtually all of the decisions, emotional distancing and inequality take place. Maintaining one person as mast and the other as slave tends to make a great deal of emotional energy and often results in a power struggle that interferes with the communication and intimacy of the relationship​
5.*Boarding House: Back-to-Back Relationship*​There is no communication in this relationship, the typical thing is for people to come home and sit down and watch TV while they are eating, then retire to their own living habits for the remainder of the evening. There is no expression of love toward each other. When one person moves forward, changes (i.e. grows and matures), the other person is linked to that change. Back-to-back is a very confining relationship. Many persons recognize this as the pattern that existed just before their relationship ended.​
6.*Martyr Relationship*​Here is a person who completely sacrifices trying to serve others. Always doing things for other people, never taking time for self, the martyr goes about "on hands and knees". But do not let the lowly posture fool you! The martyr positions if very controlling. Note that when the person on hands and knees moves, the other person who has a foot on the martyr is thrown off balance. How does the martyr gain control? You guessed it, through guilt! How can you be angry at the person who is doing everything for you, who is taking care of you completely? The martyr is very efficient at controlling people. It is very difficult to live with a martyr because you feel to guilty to express your own needs and angry feelings. Perhaps you have a martyr parent, and can recognize the ways of dealing with that parent by understanding the martyr relationship.​
7.*Healthy Love Relationship*​Two people who are whole and complete, have happiness within themselves. Standing upright, not leaning on or tangled up with the other person, they are able to live their own lives. They have an abundance of life to share with the other person. They choose to stay together because they are free to be individuals who are sharing their lives together. They can come close together and choose the smothering position temporarily; they can walk hand-in-hand as they might do in parenting their children; they can move apart and have their own careers, their own lives and their own friends. Their choice to stay together is out of love for each other rather than needing to stay together because of some unmet emotional needs. The healthy love-relationship gives both people the space to grow and become themselves​


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

I believe my marriage has a little dependency and a little martyr. My husband likes to guilt me when we have an argument (likes to make me feel sorry for him), which I believe he gets from his Dad. I've learned to recognize when he does it (I'll be upset for him hurting me emotionally and he'll turn it around to be the victim), so I've leaned to just ignore when he does this and keep the conversation on track. I'm learning to let go of my dependency on him but he still feels like I can't be on my own, since moving here I've made little friends so he always feels bad when he goes out with friends, even though I told him it doesn't bother me one bit (I'm kind of a homebody anyways).

I know it's a bit of a long read, but hopefully it'll help some couples out there


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

I think mine is a little dependency and a little healthy love... And we can smother each other a bit a times


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## chipmunk (Apr 7, 2010)

for some reason i dont recognise any of these types! im way too independant and my husband thinks i'm controlling. he has his own social life in my eyes and lives for his parents and sister!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would say Me & My husband are a combination of "Smothering" without feeling trapped and "Healthy".

We never bother each other when we are separate, no texts, phone calls, etc, but when we are near each other, we enjoy being close- always, do everything together. If I was with another man, he would probably not care for that much attention. 

But it works for us.


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## LAMB1993 (Apr 15, 2010)

Mine use to be the "Healthy Love Relationship" until around this time last year, when my husband start lying to me about calling another woman. Then I caught him flirting with one of his female friends a couple of weeks ago on line. Now, I do not know what type of relationship we have. I am hoping to get back to the "Healthy love Relationship". Hopefully one day.


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## aloneinthemarriage (Apr 20, 2010)

Wow this is very eye opening! My husband and I are in a back-to-back relationship...i knew that. But the really eye opening description is the martyr one! That is my husband's mother and her ENTIRE family! We are all terrified to say anything to her when she is rude or in the wrong because she does so much for us!


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

My relationship seems to fall into 3 categories, but not all at the same time. 

Started out as somewhat pedestal (me on the pedestal) but of course after 20+ years he sees the real me and appears to have accepted. Nowadays the relationship swings between Back to Back and Healthy.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

aloneinthemarriage said:


> Wow this is very eye opening! My husband and I are in a back-to-back relationship...i knew that. But the really eye opening description is the martyr one! That is my husband's mother and her ENTIRE family! We are all terrified to say anything to her when she is rude or in the wrong because she does so much for us!


These can really describe any kind of relationship, I feel you on the martyr type family!


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## justus (Apr 21, 2010)

I wish with all my heart I had this one :
lola_b wrote :
"7.
Healthy Love Relationship
Two people who are whole and complete, have happiness within themselves. Standing upright, not leaning on or tangled up with the other person, they are able to live their own lives. They have an abundance of life to share with the other person. They choose to stay together because they are free to be individuals who are sharing their lives together. They can come close together and choose the smothering position temporarily; they can walk hand-in-hand as they might do in parenting their children; they can move apart and have their own careers, their own lives and their own friends. Their choice to stay together is out of love for each other rather than needing to stay together because of some unmet emotional needs. The healthy love-relationship gives both people the space to grow and become themselves"

This is so well written that when I am reading it it makes me feel like I would do anything to get there , to have this psychological comfort ,that I have a life partner who understands me completely , but sadly ...this isnt the case 

My relationship leans toward :
The Dependency Relationship
Master/Slave Relationship


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, when things were bad (for quite awhile until about a year ago) my husband and I had the Boarding House relationship. We were pretty much as described. We lived entirely separate lives, with separate hobbies and friends and pretty much did our own thing. Then we had a reconciliation and now live as a couple in a way that we haven't since before we were married. Nowadays we are fairly happy (Healthy Love) but I'll admit to us smothering each other a bit at times. We both gave up our separate lives to be with one another almost exclusively, which can be a bit of a problem at times. I guess it's the trade off we got for letting our guard down and allowing ourselves to get more emotionally wrapped up in each other. I prefer this to being roommates though.


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