# Going out of my mind - he is unsure and possible affair



## navywifemm1 (Jan 27, 2011)

I dont know where to start. I guess... from the get go...right? We've been married 4 yrs. They have been hard.... mostly due to myself. I got hooked on painkillers. I ve been clean now since Sept 2010. My H has threatened divorce before... and we've come back. We are still living together.... and have a son who is 3. I found out back in Oct..... that in Sept he started to take interest in a girl in his division, on the new boat he reported to. They would and still do.... text each day to one another. I ve read emails professing love and wanting to get rid of me. BUT - he tells me his feelings for her arent strong and its a bad idea to be with her, since they work together. (military fratanization) But he still texts with her? We're getting ready to move.... to a new place...as he says a new start....etc. He says he loves me each day, we're still "intimate"...and kisses me goodbye and goodnight. We hold hands. He has his cel phone passworded. Yesterday.... 200 texts between them in 2 1/2 hrs. He said he was telling her they cant be together and he is seeing what happens with me. But then again right now he says he wants a divorce..... what? I feel like Iam getting mixed signals..... he never wants to talk about it. But he does alot of "future" talk.... we do this...we do that... I want so much to trust him....this is not the man I married. I could trust every single word he said. He was a man of his word. hands down. I feel i ve hurt him so deeply.... he has said he resents me... I try to reassure him in time that will slowly diminish. Going thru this ....is hell. I notice when he lost his phone he was totally happy. 3 days... no contact with her. .... it was the old H I knew.... I just dont know what to do. He is coming with me to my therapist apt tonight.......not as a couple.... but support. that is huge. Back in jan he was a complete jerk. mean....very very hurtful. Now..... he is willing to see what happens. I ve confronted the OW over email... she swears they are friends. But I know she wants him...he has admitted as much. What do I do???? 

sorry for the long rant...but thank you

hurt/confused in wa


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

It doesn't take 200 texts in two and a half hours to tell someone you don't want to be with them. One text..."I'm going to work things out with my wife. It's over". 
I understand you caused problems with your addiction. I was married to an addict..I know what it does to the family. But you're clean now. Sure, he's got to learn to trust you again..that you won't go back to drugs...but sounds as though he's doing things NOW that are not conducive to having your partner trust you. 
I think you have every right AS HIS WIFE to insist on no contact. There is a 3rd person in your marriage who is NOT a friend of the marriage, as she has admitted she wants your husband. Regardless of the past, insist on no contact. Zero. None. He might be sending you mixed signals, but you can make your position clear. Then you'll have a better idea of where you stand.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Sounds like you are both hurting. Ever heard the saying "Two wrongs don't make a right"? It really applies here.

What he is doing with the other woman and threatening divorce is just wrong and he's probably doing it to get back at you which is immature. He needs to stop, NOW cold turkey and recommit to the relationship. Call milonesource and get couples counseling ASAP to get your new start on the right track. 

My husband and I are in couples counseling because of communication issues and that leading to an EA on his part while deployed. She told me in one sessions "We teach people how to treat us" if you allow him to treat you this way because of guilt of your past actions you tell him it's ok to do so. Well, it's not ok to do this to anyone.


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## navywifemm1 (Jan 27, 2011)

Thank you both for your words. They make alot of sense. I have a bit of an update. The night I spoke of....with the 200 + messages..... they have stopped. He spoke to her at work on friday (the messages were on a tuesday night - they didnt speak inbetween. She tried..... he avoided) and he told her they cant talk outside of work. That he isnt sure what he wants.... and doing what they were doing, isnt putting him in his right frame of mind. I commended him for that. Iam sure it took alot. Although in the back of my head.. I wonder..is that what all was said??? Then on saturday around dinner time.. she texts him with a new pic of her new hair color. He didnt reply ( I checked the cell bill)... until Sunday am, when he said they cant text or talk outside of work. So here it is..... thursday. And they havent texted at all. He wasnt at work mon or tues... home sick. Yesterday was the first day back, he said he ran into her on the smoke pad... they had small talk. I cant expect him to just avoid her, since they work so closely together....but it still bugs me. Then today... on facebook I thought she sent me a new message.... but she didnt. i re-read the message she had sent me, after I told her to keep her distance, as I had emails and texts. I got all upset cause she called names and then I go ahead and message her back ... saying she didnt need to call names....etc. Well being honest with my hubby... I told him what I did. He got LIVID. I had said I wouldnt talk to her again..... and of course....the new message I sent..... well I went against my word. So now.... he says we're basically back at square one with trust. Iam a little confused.... I realize what I did was wrong, ... I admitted it.... but I still trust HIS word when he tells me something. After all the secrets. I dont feel its fair. But what can I do? This past week or so since I posted... I ve had my husband back. The one I fell in love with.... we laugh, joke around..... touch one another....and now it feels cold. I wanted to give him a hug and he said no. I feel horrible for messaging her.... I let my emotions get the best of me. We are moving to a new house in two weeks.....and still talking about future stuff. He says we're taking one day at a time. and he wont talk about it all now. he said let him be po'd. I dont get it..... he said he wants her to stop advancing to him..... and..... I have no idea. back to square one I guess.


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## navywifemm1 (Jan 27, 2011)

*Re: Going out of my mind - he is unsure UPDATE*

I forgot to mention he has come to...two therapy sessions with me and we're planning a ski vacation. I say that the move we're doing is like a fresh start..... he says...ya I guess so as well. He asked me, why did you message her a week before we go away??? Things have been great. I let my emotions get the best of me. Iam working on that. 
He has calmed down since last night's arguement. I sorta feel like Iam walking on egg shells. Like I said I admitted I was wrong..and apologized. 
we did end the night with a kiss and I love you. But it didnt sound the same as it has lately. Maybe he is just po'd still. I dont know. I guess its like he said.....one day at a time. I just cant help but feel deep down..... in my gut things are going to be ok. That the latest stresses are huge.....and after mid feb....alot of the pressure will go away. 

Do you guys think she really said to f off? when she texted him. 

I just need people to talk to.I dont want to overwhelm him with the talk....and push him away. 

thanks so much

:scratchhead:


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Keep monitoring but don't reveal any findings to him. Let him deal with getting out if it. He is probably feeling some withdrawl from her. If he stays on the straight and narrow, don't harass him about right now. Give things time to cool down. There will be plenty of time later to RESPECTFULLY let him know it hurt you bad and then drop it. Vent on here. Look to the future.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

It seems like he want's to shift blame to you.
So what if you text her? It's understandable!!!
He's the one thats been in the wrong and you shouldn't lose track of that. Don't let him put YOU on the hot seat.


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## navywifemm1 (Jan 27, 2011)

You guys are awesome. I totally needed to hear what you had to say. Sunday nights are the worst for me cause its when he goes back to work and will see ow there. That can't be helped. An aircraft carrier is big but when you work in the department...,"sigh". Needless to say I don't sleep well. So...got thru that night. He is starting to seem like the old him I know....but Iam also being cautious and aware of things. I asked him if he talked to her at work....he said that he did but it was in a group of people on smoke break. We talked a little about what all was said...and Iam uneasy about it...but I have to try and be mature and realistic. Anyways....he wore his wedding band all weekend..and after Friday minor argument when I caught him lying....he let me block her numbers out of the phone. I didn't find out till last night...I entered one of the numbers wrong...and she texted him. I said....great. why doesn't she get the picture. He said he told her. She didn't text all weekend....and when. She did Tuesday night...he didn't reply. I want to believe him that he doesn't want to leave and be with her. But the pessimist part of me says he is hiding something. Why wouldn't he just message her front of me saying stop.....he just says....please leave it alone. That he is here with me..... 
He is more talkative....a little more affectionate.... and laughing more. And really talking more about "us" doing things. He is really excited about going away skiing this
weekend....and moving into the house next week.....I just want this to end. Ya know. I even said want me to tell her politely to go away or stop. He said no. He didn't get mad about...more like just saying don't worry. There is nothing going on. He mentioned it would be easier if she went away...or stopped perusing him. That maybe if he ignored her.......anyways...I've rambled enough. Thanks everything...everyone. I will try to not bug him about it as much....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## navywifemm1 (Jan 27, 2011)

One last thing.....before my latest post...she had gotten a new cell...and were Textin with a new number...thinking I wouldn't catch on right away. Well its now blocked. Sorry just to mention that. Thanks again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

It's up to your husband to do the blocking. He should have been willing to send a "no contact" text to her with you watching. But he could have warned her to ignore anything he says, as he's just doing it for your benefit and to get you off his back. That would be my suspicious side talking here.

Keep a watchful eye. I wouldn't hound him so much about if he saw her, did he talk to her, what did they talk about, etc. etc. etc. Keep an eye on that cell bill, and the text messages. If he feels you're backing off, he could get careless if something is going on. Does your cell provider offer the option of having the text messages transcribed? Some do, some don't. I'd sure ask.


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## navywifemm1 (Jan 27, 2011)

We have Verizon. I know t-mobile you can't see texts. I ll ask thanks  Iam going to back off.....but by doing that to see if he slips...isn't that like entrapment? As for the no contact. I agree. He said he doesn't want it to be weird at work. My question is.....if she told him to basically get hold of her when he's made up his mind..: when why is she Textin him? According to him that is how she left things Friday at work. I think its not how things went down. Iam really tired of this crap. Sorry...I know I seem like Iam winning. Iam sorry for that. Just frustrated. Thanks for listening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Forget about entrapment. So what? If I were hiding things I would expect my SO to try to figure out what's going on. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. I would think she's still texting him b/c he either hasn't been totally honest with her (as far as telling her to back off) or she's just not going to go away easily. You won't know if you don't do your homework.


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## navywifemm1 (Jan 27, 2011)

Iam guessing actions speak louder then words. I would like to get everyone in the same room. This is just bs. Feels almost like high school. Only two options for homework...confrontation or being able to see messages. The latter of the two.....is unlikely. The first....extremely unlikely. So....we'll see what happens. I just wish he wouldn't talk to her period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You should be able to see a list of the text numbers and all calls on the verizon website. If he laready has an online account setup, you will need the user name and password, If he doesn't you can set one up and see it online. It won't show you the actual texts. There is also software available you can install on the phone that will send a message to another phone with any incoming or outgoing texts.

Honestly, if he wants to stay married, you should be able to expect complete honesty - which includes emotional honesty and open accounts, passwords, etc. Privacy is only for the bathroom if he throws that out there. If he wants to rebuild your trust, he needs to permit you to see anything you want - including his texts. Someone with nothing to hide, will not keep anything from you. Explain to him that if he can't do that for you, you believe and expect the worst and can't live like that. If he truly loves you, he wouldn't expect you to.


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## navywifemm1 (Jan 27, 2011)

Hi again,......thank you.I know you guys are on here cause your going thru your own personal issues, as well as giving advice to others. On their behalf...... We are extremely grateful and thankful. This has been and will continue to be a huge support and feeling of close friends, to whom we (I) can rely upon. I feel Iam truly endebted to you for your valued and caring opion.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Been a while on your thread. How are things going?


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## navywifemm1 (Jan 27, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Been a while on your thread. How are things going?


Things have seemed to settle down. We moved to a new house. We don't really talk about HER anymore. But my guard is still up. We have seemed to be closer. But .....I don't know if its really done. I hate the wondering. This morning I found a man's wedding band in his ashtray or his truck. A man's wedding band. Ive never seen it before. He is wearing the band I got for him. My first thought was...maybe she gave it to him. This driving me nuts. He now stands every forth night duty at work so he has to sleep on the ship. Sometimes I feel half tempted to go and see if he is really there. The mistrust drives me nuts. Well this is pretty much the update......*sigh*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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