# His Affair Has Destroyed Me



## mommyoftwo (Nov 2, 2010)

Hello everybody, this is my first post. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 3 year old twins. We are 30 and 32. I thought that my life was perfect- we get along great, we work well together handling everything from finances to maintaining our house to parenting, and have a great sex life. I have worked really hard to get into shape after having twins (very difficult!) and think that I look great! Then I started noticing he was acting weird about 8 months ago. I asked him what was wrong, and after a few weeks he told me that he did not love me anymore, that he looked at me as a friend, he was unhappy, we got married too young, and that our marriage was not enough to keep him happy for the rest of his life. I was so stunned and hurt that I actually threw up and spent the whole night sobbing- I was not even able to go to work the next day. I tried talking to him, I asked if we could go to counseling, if we could go to a marriage seminar, anything! He told me I am a great person and his best friend, but that the love was just gone. I have tried to act ok for my children but I have been in a deep depression since then. Well, earlier last month I caught him having an affair. It turns out that this was the reason he had said all of these things to me. He admitted everything, telling me that he works with this woman, and they started as friends, and then it turned into more. He let me go through his phone and his email, and I saw that they actually talked about me and he said horrible things about me to her. I would not have thought it was possible for me to hurt any more than I had been, but at that point I felt like my kids were the only reason I even had for living. So now that he has been caught, he dumped the other woman and said that he loves me, and he has alot to think about, but that he wants it to work for us. I have been trying to forgive him, but I am suspicious of everything he does and I have gone through his phone several times. he blew up at me and said if I keep throwing this in his face or if I cant trust him that he is gone- he does not want a relationship like that. How can he turn this around on me? How does anyone forgive their spouse after a betrayal like that, and how can I possibly trust him again? I really do love him, and I want to stay together for our children, but part of me hates him. The worst is that he actually talked about me and my children to this woman, and that he called her "baby" and "sweetie" and told her he loved her. Sometimes when I look at him I want him back so badly, and other times he makes me sick! I am hoping someone who has been through this can give me some insight. i have not told anyone except for my brother about this, I am so ashamed!


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. My H also had an affair, and we are now a year out from when I found out. Things are much better, so there is hope honey. 

I know why you feel ashamed, but you have to realize that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your husband is the one who should feel ashamed, it was his choice to engage in an affair. 

Affaircare, Turnera and Tanelornpete all have some wonderful advice on how to get through this stuff, so I will just scratch the surface.

His blowing up on you about checking his phone and telling you that if you can't get over it it won't work is purely his guilt coming through. He doesn't want to have to think about what he did, and you doing that makes him think about it. Of course you are going to check, you just had your world shattered! I think the best thing in your scenario would to do what I did. I made a list of things I needed from my husband before I would agree to stay and work it out. I wanted all his passwords, email accts, facebook stuff, cell phone stuff. I can check them anytime, anyplace. He has the same access to mine only because I thought it was fair and have nothing to hide anyway. I talked about my boundaries. No meeting with women, no having women in his truck PERIOD, no socializing with women without me present and if it ever happened again, I am gone. There were more, but my memory is horrible today.

Make your list of what you need from him and sit down and talk about it. Tell him you NEED these things and that he has to earn back your trust, it isn't just automatically given to him. Yes, you will question him sometimes, yes you will struggle to believe him. His job is to make sure he isn't doing anything that could cause you to lose any more trust in him.

Is he still working with the woman he had the affair with??


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Im so sorry for what you both are going through. I have been on both sides and both suck. Being cheated on I thought was the worst part, but it was actually how husband treated me for a year and a half after he got discovered which was the worst. If it werent for kids, I would have left... he was that violent and quite frankly delusional in his perceptions (bc he was still in denial and he framed me as the enemy and him as the victim in anything that happened during that year and a half). It was so confusing and hurtful. During all that, I was so rejected and tired of him purposely not having sex with me I went and found someone who would. So, I ended up having an affair as well. NOT that I recommend it. I see why I felt like doing that, but still cant believe I felt that far dejected that I went against a core value of mine like that.

He will yell, point fingers, blame you. He may sulk, withdraw and he may become sexual again without warning. What helped me after all this was to accept that I have no control over another person's actions and choices. The only person who I have influence over is myself and my emotions and my actions. You can grieve the loss of what you felt was an amazing relationship and accept what it has become, but dont put that burden onto him. Do not expect him to make it up to you, do not expect him to make ammends. What you can do is tell him what you are willing to live with and what you arent. If you need to have access to his email for a while or his phone, state it calmly, like a business request. Be aware that as you are reading that he can just as easily open up another account somewhere else. You can accept his word that he is not in contact with her, but you also have to accept that you have to let go of completely trusting him for a long time. Dont push it too quickly either. 

In regards to the bad mouthing... mine did that too. They both compared their spouses. That was the second most hurtful part of the affair, the first was that he defended her and his actions over our marriage.

Of course he called her baby and sweetie... it all stinks! But you have to take responsibility for yourself, know what you can live with and cannot and be clear and in control of your emotions. The more in control you remain, the safer he will feel coming back to the marriage emotionally.

Im not going to tell you that you can do this, bc I dont know you and your personality and limitations, but I will say it can be done.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Hi - I am so sorry you are facing this. You are not alone, though, and you've come to a great place. 

First thing I want to point out is a bit of reassurance - your situation is not unique, many people have faced the same thing, and you can find a great deal of sympathy and support right here on these pages from people who face the same pain.

Second: you wrote:



> i have not told anyone except for my brother about this, I am so ashamed!


Here's a place you can start: ask yourself, why are you ashamed? What did you do wrong? Is it really valid for a person who has been hurt deeply by someone else to feel ashamed because they got hurt? Isn't that taking responsibility for the wrong thing?

Concentrate on this: you feel hurt, betrayed, angry, sad, confused...any number of things. But please work past feeling ashamed for the behavior of someone else. What has happened is not your fault. Your husband made this choice. If anyone should feel ashamed, it is he - not you!

Also, be glad he says he has dropped the other woman and work on the marriage - it leaves you with the option - do you want to work on this marriage or not? If he is serious, you have a great deal of hope. 

Now for some answers to your other questions:



> I have been trying to forgive him, but I am suspicious of everything he does and I have gone through his phone several times


First, keep in mind that forgiveness is something you grant. It is a deliberate decision you make, and isn't dependent upon the other person. 

On the other hand, it is wise to remain skeptical about his behavior, and it is reasonable for him to be accountable to you for a while to an _extreme_ degree. Until he proves himself to you, he needs to work hard to match his actions with his words. He just spent time lying, maligning and in every way doing his best to break his commitment to you. He is the one responsible for repairing that.



> he blew up at me and said if I keep throwing this in his face or if I cant trust him that he is gone- he does not want a relationship like that. How can he turn this around on me?


First, people almost never want to be responsible for their own actions. It is human nature to blame someone else (makes life more comfortable). 

Second, take this as a red flag. If he is truly willing to work on the marriage, he will be willing to do what it takes, including giving you reason to trust that he is being honest with you.

But this is a red flag: it is quite common for someone who has been 'busted' to move quickly into 'damage repair' mode - do what it takes to make things run more smoothly. At the same time, cheating spouses often keep the affair going - they simply move it farther underground. What they want is for their spouse at home to remain there as a 'backup' in case things don't work. Or, they get part of what they feel they need from their lover, part from their spouse. In that case the threat to losing some of getting their needs met means they have to move quickly to get things back on course - even 'working on the marriage' if that seems the best option.

Unless it is their _only_ willing choice, it most likely will not work.

So be very wary of the business of turning it around on you. He is the one that cheated, he is the one that must take responsibility. And if he wants you to trust that he is being open and honest, he must be that way - and prove it by allowing you to verify what he says. 

Don't be swayed by his threats. He says he is 'gone' if you don't back away from wanting him to be open and honest. Fine! Tell him "I agree - you _are_ gone if you are not willing to prove your honesty." You don't want a relationship without it, do you?



> How does anyone forgive their spouse after a betrayal like that, and how can I possibly trust him again?


Again, keep in mind that forgiveness is something you grant - and if you do so, you must abide by your commitment - which means that if you do decide to forgive, you are making a life long decision. As for trusting him - keep this in mind: you CAN trust him. Unfortunately, you trust him right now to lie, get angry, deflect and in other ways cheat and deceive you. The issue is not _trust_ but what you trust him _to do_. 

And this won't change until you see, over a period of time, that his actions match his words. What he speaks is not as important as what he does. When those two things match up (and they are aimed at your marriage, rather than away from it) - then you are on the right road.


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Oh also, I cant imagine ever trusting my husband again. The affair was one part but the year and a half of attack after that (also porn and live jasmin etc during all that time he was refusing to have sex when I asked and he avoided it for weeks/month at a time knowing I have a high sex drive). I let go of ever trusting him again. SO I know how you feel. People say it will come back, maybe for you it will.


----------



## mommyoftwo (Nov 2, 2010)

It really saddens me to know that so many of you have gone through the same thing, but it does also give me some encouragement to hear that things can work out. The worst part is that he still works with this woman. He makes significantly more money that I do, and with the job marker the way it is, and having two children to support, he really cannot afford to quit his job. So I have the daily fear that they are talking or seeing each other at work, or going to lunch, etc. I also have no access to his work email (nor can he allow me access) so I just have to take his work for it that they are no longer in contact. He seems to think that they can one day be friends again, which I am COMPLETELY against, obviously. I have been acting like everything is okay, because I still have to work, and have to be there for my kids, but inside I am truly a wreck. He also does not want to talk about any of this and gets very angry with me when I try to. He wants to act like everything is fine, still sleep in the same bed, still have sex, just like we are okay, when this is killing me. He says he loves me, but is I had not caught him, I wonder if this affair would still be going on. And yes, he has defended her when I have said that she is a horrible person. It made me want to throw up to hear him defend her. Instead of getting better, it seems to be getting worse for me every day!


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think now is the time to have a serious boundary and expectation talk. What you will and will not live with, and what you need from him to stay in this marriage. 

It is not unreasonable for you to want to talk about the affair. You will need it to reach closure, and he will need to understand that. There are several places where you can direct him that will tell him the things he should expect you to need after an affair. And the first one is transparency. 

I am hoping Tanelornpete will chime in here any time and give you some of his wonderful advice. They truly helped me get through my time and I have every faith they can help you too.

Do you know what you need to stay in your marriage? What you need from HIM to stay??


----------



## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

It sucks, it hurts, there is life beyond your cheating spouse. It is tough to imagine right now but you are going to figure this out. Study this site carefully as it has more useful information than you are going to get anywhere right now. My d-day was almost 6 months ago. I feel ok and we are doing ok. I learned things I never knew about myself and life itself. And that there is a life after you're been betrayed and deceived by the one you handed your whole being too years ago!

It took me 7 days to eat again! The 7th day I woke (It may have been 6 days) and decided that it was time to prepare for life without 'cheater'. I ate 2 meals that day and moved on to what I like to call 'business mode' with my partner. The only discussions I had with her were rational friendly type talks about how life was going to work without us being together. How we were going to handle the kids, divorce, how many and what days we would have the kids, etc....It wasn't long after that, when I picked myself up and began to be strong for myself and my kids, that she began to break out of that 'fog' and came back to reality.


----------



## mommyoftwo (Nov 2, 2010)

Wow, I just read through your entire post! I cannot believe how my husband has been acting exactly like your wife, right down to the excuses he would use (he loves me but is not in love with me, its my fault, etc.) he even tried to tell me it was all just an emotional affair (right like he stayed the night at her house at least 10 times, and nothing happened, it may have taken me a while to catch on but I am NOT stupid). And with him too, his entire personality changed when he started with this girl, I cannot even explain it! He went from my loving husband to a cold, selfish stranger. I too am thinking I need to get checked for STDs by my doctor, and I cannot imagine letting him touch me again. I am glad to hear that your situation has improved. I think if we did not have children I would have walked away by now, but it is good to hear that there is still a possibilty of reconciliation. After everything, I still love him very much. I am so glad I found this site, I would not have known where to go for advice otherwise! Like I said it is sad that so many people have been through this, but so helpful to talk to others who know exactly how I feel. 



Twistedheart said:


> It sucks, it hurts, there is life beyond your cheating spouse. It is tough to imagine right now but you are going to figure this out. Study this site carefully as it has more useful information than you are going to get anywhere right now. My d-day was almost 6 months ago. I feel ok and we are doing ok. I learned things I never knew about myself and life itself. And that there is a life after you're been betrayed and deceived by the one you handed your whole being too years ago!
> 
> It took me 7 days to eat again! The 7th day I woke (It may have been 6 days) and decided that it was time to prepare for life without 'cheater'. I ate 2 meals that day and moved on to what I like to call 'business mode' with my partner. The only discussions I had with her were rational friendly type talks about how life was going to work without us being together. How we were going to handle the kids, divorce, how many and what days we would have the kids, etc....It wasn't long after that, when I picked myself up and began to be strong for myself and my kids, that she began to break out of that 'fog' and came back to reality.


----------



## mommyoftwo (Nov 2, 2010)

Oh and I am not sure if mentioned this but this girl is TWENTY YEARS OLD. Disgusting, right?


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

I've been kind of waiting for you to let us know what your decision was (regarding if you intended to work on the marriage or not). However, you bring up some really important things - don't really want to let those go too far:



> The worst part is that he still works with this woman.


Our advice is very simple: if he wishes to work on his marriage, either he, or Jezebel will have to leave the job. Yes, there are objections - bad economy, need the money, etc...

Consider this: if he lost his job in some other way what would happen? Would he not have to find another? Part of the consequences of cheating involves the hardship it creates.



> So I have the daily fear that they are talking or seeing each other at work, or going to lunch, etc. I also have no access to his work email (nor can he allow me access) so I just have to take his work for it that they are no longer in contact.


No, you do NOT have to take his word for it. This is part of the problem with staying where he is, in constant contact with this woman. It is why the concept of No Contact involves leaving the job. 

Two things to consider:

1) You will always have this fear, as long as he is around her. The fact that it is insulated from you is one of the biggest impediments to his being able to build up a reputation (in your eyes) of honesty. Even the hint of it is damaging to you.

2) By remaining near this other woman, your husband is damaging his ability to recover and return to your marriage. In his 'foggy' mind, he compares you to her. Even if he is not actively pursuing a relationship with her, her physical presence will always refresh the comparisons he was making between the two of you. The affair is going on because she offers something he thinks he needs (or actually does need). He gets this need filled by her. To the extent that THAT need is filled by her, to that extent, he doesn't want you around. 

And if, even in the middle of recovery, some setback occurs - he will see her, and think about how SHE didn't do whatever YOU did to him (imagined or not.)

The only avenue out of this is for him to arrange complete and total, permanent No Contact.

Your fear is justified. They ARE seeing each other at work - even if only for a few seconds at a time...



> He seems to think that they can one day be friends again, which I am COMPLETELY against, obviously.


You're right - they can never be friends again. That will have to end that if he wants to remain your husband. A question to ask: why would you husband WANT a 'friend' who is willing to destroy his marriage?



> I have been acting like everything is okay, because I still have to work, and have to be there for my kids, but inside I am truly a wreck.


It depends on what you mean by 'acting like everything is ok'. Things are NOT ok, and keeping that in mind and out in the open is a very strong incentive for him to change. If, on the other hand, you mean exploding in emotional outbursts at your children, etc. then - you are right to maintain your composure. My advice (which is pretty hard to follow) is to approach this from a _rational_ rather than an emotional viewpoint. You'll always have your emotions: they tell you something is amiss - but you can make the decision, and then choose the actions accordingly - which express to your husband that his behavior at this time is NOT acceptable, and that things need to change. 



> He also does not want to talk about any of this and gets very angry with me when I try to. He wants to act like everything is fine, still sleep in the same bed, still have sex, just like we are okay, when this is killing me.


No one wants to talk about uncomfortable things. People don't want to face the pain of surgery either. I can imagine that you probably didn't want to go through the hassles of childbirth: but the end results far outweigh the temporary troubles, eh?

This is where you will have to be very clear about your boundaries. For the next couple of days, start thinking about boundaries unceasingly. Don't discuss this with your husband until you have determined what you can and cannot put up with - and then discuss them with him. Allow him the choice to accept them, or not - and be ready to keep your boundaries when they are challenged. I'll see if AC can free up some time to write a little on that for you - she explains it so well. If not, you'll have to put up with my dense language - or, someone else can do it for us!

****

The key to getting through this is dependent upon thinking more clearly than you ever have before. It means making sure that everything is clearly defined and understood. The reason I say this is because we are SO USED to _reacting_ to whatever happens to us in life that we almost cripple ourselves when it comes time to be deliberate. 

Because I beleive that so strongly, I do weird things in my posts like point out that _trust_ isn't the issue: what you trust someone to DO is. Also, in the case of your quote here:



> He says he loves me, but is I had not caught him, I wonder if this affair would still be going on. And yes, he has defended her when I have said that she is a horrible person. It made me want to throw up to hear him defend her.


We are so used to thinking of love as some sort of emotion - actually, it is not. Affection, lust, desire, appreciation, etc., are emotions. Love is ACTION. It is the action of treating someone in a way that respects and honors them. It is the action of doing what is best for that person. 

So...your husband says he loves you....but gets angry if this other woman (the one that is willing to sleep with a married man) gets some negative feedback. HE says he loves you: is he treating you with respect and honor? Is he doing what is best for you? Or, is it more likely that he is doing those things for himself - and instead, finds things about you that he appreciates (stuff you do that helps him?) or maybe desires sex with you? 

If he truly loved you, he would be willing to work on the marriage. Why? Because working on the marriage IS loving you.


----------



## hagen123 (Mar 2, 2012)

I am so sorry you are going thru this. I can imagine how painful this is for you. I have gone through something very similar to this, although I was on the other side. I fell in love with a married man. We work together, we became friends after I separated from my verbally and mentally abusive husband of 14 year and he and I became friends. He was very supportive to me for several months and one day we started to realize we had feelings for one another and he was in a similar marriage with a controlling wife who treated him like a child. During one of her outbursts of yelling at him and snapping her fingers at me, he proclaimed, I don't love you anymore! She asked him to move out two days later. After researching his phone bill, noticed there were several texts going back and fourth between he and I during the time we were just friends, supporting each other through our miserable marriages. What she found was innocent. However, by the time she found it, we had already been talking about him leaving her and us starting a life together. He admitted to her that I was the love of his life and we are meant to be. She was very angry. She reached out to me several times, to my ex-husband, went through my medical records because she was a nurse where i went and started saying horrible things about me to my co-workers. It was ugly. She finally guilted him enough with the kids, that he left me to try with her. The day he went back, he said he never should have done it. It was miserable. We continued talking everyday. Telling me he loved me before he walked into their first counseling session together. Thinking no way is she going to be able to handle this and neither would he. This "any day" went on for 8 months, before he finally left again. We were happy together again...we stayed in contact during this entire process. Four months later, his daughter started to have issues and blamed baby brother for mommy and daddy splitting up, so that scared him and he went back for awhile to make her feel better...that was 8 months ago. They live in the same house, he's still in love with me, we still work together. She no longer asks to look at his phone. But when she was, he was very descreet about it...i knew never to email or text or call after a certain time and if i wasn't allowed to respond, he would say RS (radio silent). He was trapped, every time he would try to get out she would start manipulating him again about money, the kids and guilting him...he just kept staying. He's been miserable. They have no marriage. They fight about everything, always have, she doesn't ask about me anymore, he thinks for fear he will tell her yes i'm still in love with her. They do separate things with the kids, live on opposite sides of the house.
My point is...don't trust your husband. If he was really sorry and was really done with the affair, he would make it known to you you have nothing to fear. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. They are finally filing for divorce, the fighting in front of the kids has gotten so out of hand and he's tired of her threats and living this life. Be careful. I don't wish this on anyone. I am not the kind of person who would have ever done this, but something happened that was beyond our control.
Sweetie, if you are questioning anything at all, you should be, men are wimps and will go with whatever they can get away with, unfortunately. My situation is not the norm, my guy and I are truly in love and it is known to everyone we work with, it's not a secret our relationship or that he and his wife are separated and have been for the past year, but he still keeps details from her or rather doesn't volunteer info. Be careful. Feel free to contact me offline if you want to know some of the sneeky stuff a cheating spouse will do to look like he's doing nothing. I'm telling you right now, if I didn't work with my guy, we wouldn't still be together, but seeing each other every day, makes it impossible for us.

Good luck! You deserve to be happy, don't stay just because you think you are supposed to. I left a husband and I have 4 kids and my life is better than it ever was with him and my relationship with my children is a billion times better!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

::Goes off to grab some popcorn::


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Zombie thread!!


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

mommyoftwo

"His affair destroyed me"

Thread posted: 11-02-2010, 02:50 PM 

mommyoftwo

Last log in / Last Activity: 11-05-2010 10:26 AM


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Total zombie thread and I fell for it!!!


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hey, it is worth bringing to the top it has some great advice in it!. 

hagen123. Start your own thread...


----------



## skinymarink (Mar 2, 2012)

hagen123 said:


> I am so sorry you are going thru this. I can imagine how painful this is for you. I have gone through something very similar to this, although I was on the other side. I fell in love with a married man. We work together, we became friends after I separated from my verbally and mentally abusive husband of 14 year and he and I became friends. He was very supportive to me for several months and one day we started to realize we had feelings for one another and he was in a similar marriage with a controlling wife who treated him like a child. During one of her outbursts of yelling at him and snapping her fingers at me, he proclaimed, I don't love you anymore! She asked him to move out two days later. After researching his phone bill, noticed there were several texts going back and fourth between he and I during the time we were just friends, supporting each other through our miserable marriages. What she found was innocent. However, by the time she found it, we had already been talking about him leaving her and us starting a life together. He admitted to her that I was the love of his life and we are meant to be. She was very angry. She reached out to me several times, to my ex-husband, went through my medical records because she was a nurse where i went and started saying horrible things about me to my co-workers. It was ugly. She finally guilted him enough with the kids, that he left me to try with her. The day he went back, he said he never should have done it. It was miserable. We continued talking everyday. Telling me he loved me before he walked into their first counseling session together. Thinking no way is she going to be able to handle this and neither would he. This "any day" went on for 8 months, before he finally left again. We were happy together again...we stayed in contact during this entire process. Four months later, his daughter started to have issues and blamed baby brother for mommy and daddy splitting up, so that scared him and he went back for awhile to make her feel better...that was 8 months ago. They live in the same house, he's still in love with me, we still work together. She no longer asks to look at his phone. But when she was, he was very descreet about it...i knew never to email or text or call after a certain time and if i wasn't allowed to respond, he would say RS (radio silent). He was trapped, every time he would try to get out she would start manipulating him again about money, the kids and guilting him...he just kept staying. He's been miserable. They have no marriage. They fight about everything, always have, she doesn't ask about me anymore, he thinks for fear he will tell her yes i'm still in love with her. They do separate things with the kids, live on opposite sides of the house.
> My point is...don't trust your husband. If he was really sorry and was really done with the affair, he would make it known to you you have nothing to fear. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. They are finally filing for divorce, the fighting in front of the kids has gotten so out of hand and he's tired of her threats and living this life. Be careful. I don't wish this on anyone. I am not the kind of person who would have ever done this, but something happened that was beyond our control.
> Sweetie, if you are questioning anything at all, you should be, men are wimps and will go with whatever they can get away with, unfortunately. My situation is not the norm, my guy and I are truly in love and it is known to everyone we work with, it's not a secret our relationship or that he and his wife are separated and have been for the past year, but he still keeps details from her or rather doesn't volunteer info. Be careful. Feel free to contact me offline if you want to know some of the sneeky stuff a cheating spouse will do to look like he's doing nothing. I'm telling you right now, if I didn't work with my guy, we wouldn't still be together, but seeing each other every day, makes it impossible for us.
> 
> Good luck! You deserve to be happy, don't stay just because you think you are supposed to. I left a husband and I have 4 kids and my life is better than it ever was with him and my relationship with my children is a billion times better!


you are obviously in a fog yourself along with your adulterous apple of your eye, how long do think it'll be before you are the controlling, unappreciative, YADA YADA YADA Sure you and he are soul mates..... can't help yourselves..... you deserve every ounce of heartache and heartbreak coming your way


----------



## skinymarink (Mar 2, 2012)

what the.... ? :scratchhead: obviously new to the mechanics of posting to this forum. The response that I posted was intended to follow a very nauseating OTHER woman aka adulteress Not you, I am so sorry


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

skinymarink said:


> what the.... ? :scratchhead: obviously new to the mechanics of posting to this forum. The response that I posted was intended to follow a very nauseating OTHER woman aka adulteress Not you, I am so sorry


Why I said she should post to own thread. lol


----------



## hagen123 (Mar 2, 2012)

First of all, so sorry to offend. I was simply stating that be careful, men will say anything and if he's being secretive there is a reason. You don't know me or our specific situation or what either of us have gone through with our controlling spouses. But thank you so much for the insults. Trust me, I have felt enough guilt and sadness over all of this. Like I said, I would never wish this on anyone. When your husband tells you he doesn't love you, you should listen, don't torture yourself and make him feel guilty to stay. My comment and history of my situation was to illustrate the truth behind an affair that happens at work when the person still works there. I wasn't looking for sympathy by any means...I pray for forgiveness everyday!!!! I am NOT that type of person. I appreciate you passing judgement on me, however, my intent was from the other side to give her a different perspective and to be cautious.


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

hagen123 said:


> First of all, so sorry to offend. I was simply stating that be careful, men will say anything and if he's being secretive there is a reason. You don't know me or our specific situation or what either of us have gone through with our controlling spouses. But thank you so much for the insults. Trust me, I have felt enough guilt and sadness over all of this. Like I said, I would never wish this on anyone. When your husband tells you he doesn't love you, you should listen, don't torture yourself and make him feel guilty to stay. My comment and history of my situation was to illustrate the truth behind an affair that happens at work when the person still works there. I wasn't looking for sympathy by any means...I pray for forgiveness everyday!!!! I am NOT that type of person. I appreciate you passing judgement on me, however, my intent was from the other side to give her a different perspective and to be cautious.


Oh please! get your head out of your butt. When a H is in lust with some adulterous skank who is willing to sleep with another woman's H he really doesn't know what he want's. That is why is called the AFFAIR FOG Usually he is just thinking with his private parts, and there is no other side, people who sleep with someone else's spouse haven't got their life well enough in hand to be giving anyone advice. When you marry someone you give them some control over you. They have a right to your exclusive attention and loyalty and everything that this entails , and asking for that and for accountability isn't " controlling ", it is what is owed them. Did you actually expect to be accepted as an authority on anything here? Stop cheating and being a home wrecker and then come back and tell us how much you have learned.


----------



## reginacole (Mar 3, 2012)

This is from my experience

From Imperial. 
I have said numerous times I hate my husband. I have not had a job in years. I have children and teenagers are my closes friends. I know that I am obsessed with him. I have gone to amazing lengths to get his attention. I have tried to make him believe his wife is cheating with anonymous calls. Everything I do I can not get him to break away from her. I even set up a 2nd Facebook hoping to get his attention, he did not respond to my friend request and it broke my heart all over again. 
I have sent him my nude pictures, of my nipple rings of me in purple lingerie. Nothing has worked. I told him that it was his wife, so he would think she was crazy. 
I have sent him love notes, when he went to the therapist for marriage counseling I cre papered his truck and put a love note under the windshield. We had the best sex. She doesnt deserve him


Regina Cahan-Cole


----------



## isabellablaze (Mar 2, 2012)

Why don't you just leave him instead of sitting and writing this???
How can you even put up with him when he cheated?
once a cheater is always a cheater.
if he loved you he would never EVER cheat.
Cheating and love don't go hand in hand.
You love someone and then cheat on them????
Really witty.
Taking a cheater back is the worst mistake since they feel that she ll put with anything.
Divorce him and get rid of his stupid threats.
One who loves can NEVER cheat.Something will stop them.


----------



## isabellablaze (Mar 2, 2012)

hagen123 said:


> I am so sorry you are going thru this. I can imagine how painful this is for you. I have gone through something very similar to this, although I was on the other side. I fell in love with a married man. We work together, we became friends after I separated from my verbally and mentally abusive husband of 14 year and he and I became friends. He was very supportive to me for several months and one day we started to realize we had feelings for one another and he was in a similar marriage with a controlling wife who treated him like a child. During one of her outbursts of yelling at him and snapping her fingers at me, he proclaimed, I don't love you anymore! She asked him to move out two days later. After researching his phone bill, noticed there were several texts going back and fourth between he and I during the time we were just friends, supporting each other through our miserable marriages. What she found was innocent. However, by the time she found it, we had already been talking about him leaving her and us starting a life together. He admitted to her that I was the love of his life and we are meant to be. She was very angry. She reached out to me several times, to my ex-husband, went through my medical records because she was a nurse where i went and started saying horrible things about me to my co-workers. It was ugly. She finally guilted him enough with the kids, that he left me to try with her. The day he went back, he said he never should have done it. It was miserable. We continued talking everyday. Telling me he loved me before he walked into their first counseling session together. Thinking no way is she going to be able to handle this and neither would he. This "any day" went on for 8 months, before he finally left again. We were happy together again...we stayed in contact during this entire process. Four months later, his daughter started to have issues and blamed baby brother for mommy and daddy splitting up, so that scared him and he went back for awhile to make her feel better...that was 8 months ago. They live in the same house, he's still in love with me, we still work together. She no longer asks to look at his phone. But when she was, he was very descreet about it...i knew never to email or text or call after a certain time and if i wasn't allowed to respond, he would say RS (radio silent). He was trapped, every time he would try to get out she would start manipulating him again about money, the kids and guilting him...he just kept staying. He's been miserable. They have no marriage. They fight about everything, always have, she doesn't ask about me anymore, he thinks for fear he will tell her yes i'm still in love with her. They do separate things with the kids, live on opposite sides of the house.
> My point is...don't trust your husband. If he was really sorry and was really done with the affair, he would make it known to you you have nothing to fear. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. They are finally filing for divorce, the fighting in front of the kids has gotten so out of hand and he's tired of her threats and living this life. Be careful. I don't wish this on anyone. I am not the kind of person who would have ever done this, but something happened that was beyond our control.
> Sweetie, if you are questioning anything at all, you should be, men are wimps and will go with whatever they can get away with, unfortunately. My situation is not the norm, my guy and I are truly in love and it is known to everyone we work with, it's not a secret our relationship or that he and his wife are separated and have been for the past year, but he still keeps details from her or rather doesn't volunteer info. Be careful. Feel free to contact me offline if you want to know some of the sneeky stuff a cheating spouse will do to look like he's doing nothing. I'm telling you right now, if I didn't work with my guy, we wouldn't still be together, but seeing each other every day, makes it impossible for us.
> 
> Good luck! You deserve to be happy, don't stay just because you think you are supposed to. I left a husband and I have 4 kids and my life is better than it ever was with him and my relationship with my children is a billion times better!


Ignore any rude replies.
Its wasn't you fault if you fell i love with him.
You two are soulmates,good,be happy


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

QUOTE=isabellablaze;612761]Ignore any rude replies.
Its wasn't you fault if you fell i love with him.
You two are soulmates,good,be happy [/QUOTE]

:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:
Whose fault is it? Perhaps you are confusing deciding to throw ones self at a married man with getting hit by a bus. One is a choice and the other is an accident. People are not slaves to their impulses, if they were anarchy would reign.


----------



## hagen123 (Mar 2, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> Oh please! get your head out of your butt. When a H is in lust with some adulterous skank who is willing to sleep with another woman's H he really doesn't know what he want's. That is why is called the AFFAIR FOG Usually he is just thinking with his private parts, and there is no other side, people who sleep with someone else's spouse haven't got their life well enough in hand to be giving anyone advice. When you marry someone you give them some control over you. They have a right to your exclusive attention and loyalty and everything that this entails , and asking for that and for accountability isn't " controlling ", it is what is owed them. Did you actually expect to be accepted as an authority on anything here? Stop cheating and being a home wrecker and then come back and tell us how much you have learned.


You are a very bitter and angry person. I am so sorry you were hurt by someone. You DO NOT know my situation, you do not know me. i am not an "adulterous skank." I didn't go after another woman's husband. It wasn't a lust thing. We worked together, we were friends. We became friends a month after I left my abusive husband. He shared with me about his marital problems that had existed long before I entered the picture. With her moving out several times. She treated him horribly, told him what to do, not the acceptable "control" you are referring to. No one deserves to be treated bad. I encouraged him on several occassions to seek marriage counseling and he said it would make it worse and there was no point. Again, still at this point there was NO intimacy or discussions about us having feelings for each other. We were truly friends!
I don't know why I'm so concerned with what you think of me and your judgement of me. I have struggled with this for 2 years now and the very selfish choice I made. I know it was wrong and I know it will never happen again. I am very disappointed and ashamed of myself. I was not a homewrecker....their marriage was already in trouble and there was no way it would be better. He would work late so he wouldn't have to see her, she would tell him don't make me reject you when it came to intimacy. They were miserable and had been this way for the previous five years.
Ok, I'm sure I've given you enough to attack me with yet again....so go ahead, beat me up....I know I deserve it regardless of how unhappy they were, I still allowed it to happen. But he truly is my soul mate, the only man I've ever been safe with or trusted, he treats me as an equal and is my best friend. It was always easy and natural for us.


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

hagen123 said:


> You are a very bitter and angry person. I am so sorry you were hurt by someone. You DO NOT know my situation, you do not know me. i am not an "adulterous skank." I didn't go after another woman's husband. It wasn't a lust thing. We worked together, we were friends. We became friends a month after I left my abusive husband. He shared with me about his marital problems that had existed long before I entered the picture. With her moving out several times. She treated him horribly, told him what to do, not the acceptable "control" you are referring to. No one deserves to be treated bad. I encouraged him on several occassions to seek marriage counseling and he said it would make it worse and there was no point. Again, still at this point there was NO intimacy or discussions about us having feelings for each other. We were truly friends!
> I don't know why I'm so concerned with what you think of me and your judgement of me. I have struggled with this for 2 years now and the very selfish choice I made. I know it was wrong and I know it will never happen again. I am very disappointed and ashamed of myself. I was not a homewrecker....their marriage was already in trouble and there was no way it would be better. He would work late so he wouldn't have to see her, she would tell him don't make me reject you when it came to intimacy. They were miserable and had been this way for the previous five years.
> Ok, I'm sure I've given you enough to attack me with yet again....so go ahead, beat me up....I know I deserve it regardless of how unhappy they were, I still allowed it to happen. But he truly is my soul mate, the only man I've ever been safe with or trusted, he treats me as an equal and is my best friend. It was always easy and natural for us.


A marriage is always "in trouble" when there is a pair of knickers to get into. AP are always "soul-mates"and best friends. I am not "beating you up"; I am telling you the truth about your behavior and choices. What you are doing is wrong; and what you are telling yourself about what you are doing, is rationalization at it's height.An A is always dishonest, and always hurtful and that kind of pain you have no right to inflict on another person and their family. You owe it to yourself and others not to be a predator on another's marriage. You only know what you have been told and what you want to believe about your AP's M. Naturally there is no one to speak for his wife. When you encouraged him to get MC, did you also stop associating with him romantically and back off so his marriage might have a chance? If his M is so awful why is he still married? Do you think that his having a mistress helps his M in any way? You are trying very hard to portray yourself as a good hearted soul just caught up in a situation that is beyond your control. You can tell yourself whatever you like, but it does not change the reality of your situation. You had no right to involve yourself in an existing relationship, period. It is customary for A apologist and justifiers to call the person who calls them on their nonsense "bitter and angry".


----------



## hagen123 (Mar 2, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> A marriage is always "in trouble" when there is a pair of knickers to get into. AP are always "soul-mates"and best friends. I am not "beating you up"; I am telling you the truth about your behavior and choices. What you are doing is wrong; and what you are telling yourself about what you are doing, is rationalization at it's height.An A is always dishonest, and always hurtful and that kind of pain you have no right to inflict on another person and their family. You owe it to yourself and others not to be a predator on another's marriage. You only know what you have been told and what you want to believe about your AP's M. Naturally there is no one to speak for his wife. When you encouraged him to get MC, did you also stop associating with him romantically and back off so his marriage might have a chance? If his M is so awful why is he still married? Do you think that his having a mistress helps his M in any way? You are trying very hard to portray yourself as a good hearted soul just caught up in a situation that is beyond your control. You can tell yourself whatever you like, but it does not change the reality of your situation. You had no right to involve yourself in an existing relationship, period. It is customary for A apologist and justifiers to call the person who calls them on their nonsense "bitter and angry".


You clearly do not read what I say. You have already judged me and made your own assumptions on what my relationship is. They are not together! He and I were NOT romantically involved AT ALL when i recommended MC. I truly wanted to help, he was my friend. As for the wife....I have heard many horror stories about her and how she treated him from people who knew them. This is not your "stereotypical" affair. I understand your want to put me in my place, trust me, I've done it to myself for the past two years. I don't need additional help. You clearly didn't read me justifying my actions when I said I was ashamed and disappointed in myself for the selfish choice I made. I completely understand what I did was wrong!!! It happened and I can't change the past. He and I separated for several months with no contact so he could work on his marriage and go to counseling. It only made things worse like he predicted. The final straw was their two children watching them fight constantly telling them to stop fighting. This was behavior their children had experienced before I was ever in the picture. I appreciate you wanting to tell me how wrong I am, I was very wrong and it is a choice I have to live with for the rest of my life and I truly do pray to GOD for forgiveness, as He is the only one who can judge me. I will NEVER be okay with the choice I made to have a relationship with him before he finalized his marriage. If you feel the need to continue to stereotype me, go ahead, it was a risk I took when I made a choice to do something I know was wrong and against everything I believed in. I have always been a treat others how you wish you to be treated and I didn't live by what I want and believe. You don't need to continue to tell me I'm in a fog or how wrong I was or any of that...I have been in therapy for the last two years dealing with what I did. I have even called myself the homewrecking ****, so don't think anything you've said hasn't already entered my mind. My selfish choice of allowing myself to fall in love with someone else's husband deserves to be called out. It is not justification when I say they were already in trouble and he had resigned himself to his life for his kids and would just avoid her like he had been for years, it is the truth....she was very mean to him, but he just avoided it. Until you've actually been in all of our individual shoes, you can't really know how bad things can be that can push a person to do something they know is wrong for the sake of not having to deal with the real issues. Anyhow, thank you for pointing out how wrong I was, I don't disagree, cheating is NEVER ok, no matter how you try to justify it, which he and I found out. He and I are happy now and so is she. They share custody of their children and are better coparents than they were husband and wife.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

hagen123 said:


> You clearly do not read what I say. You have already judged me and made your own assumptions on what my relationship is. They are not together! He and I were NOT romantically involved AT ALL when i recommended MC. I truly wanted to help, he was my friend. As for the wife....I have heard many horror stories about her and how she treated him from people who knew them. This is not your "stereotypical" affair. I understand your want to put me in my place, trust me, I've done it to myself for the past two years. I don't need additional help. You clearly didn't read me justifying my actions when I said I was ashamed and disappointed in myself for the selfish choice I made. I completely understand what I did was wrong!!! It happened and I can't change the past. He and I separated for several months with no contact so he could work on his marriage and go to counseling. It only made things worse like he predicted. The final straw was their two children watching them fight constantly telling them to stop fighting. This was behavior their children had experienced before I was ever in the picture. I appreciate you wanting to tell me how wrong I am, I was very wrong and it is a choice I have to live with for the rest of my life and I truly do pray to GOD for forgiveness, as He is the only one who can judge me. I will NEVER be okay with the choice I made to have a relationship with him before he finalized his marriage. If you feel the need to continue to stereotype me, go ahead, it was a risk I took when I made a choice to dosomething I know was wrong and against everything I believed in. I have always been a treat others how you wish you to be treated and I didn't live by what I want and believe. You don't need to continue to tell me I'm in a fog or how wrong I was or any of that...I have been in therapy for the last two years dealing with what I did. I have even called myself the homewrecking ****, so don't think anything you've said hasn't already entered my mind. My selfish choice of allowing myself to fall in love with someone else's husband deserves to be called out. It is not justification when I say they were already in trouble and he had resigned himself to his life for his kids and would just avoid her like he had been for years, it is the truth....she was very mean to him, but he just avoided it. Until you've actually been in all of our individual shoes, you can't really know how bad things can be that can push a person to do something they know is wrong for the sake of not having to deal with the real issues. Anyhow, thank you for pointing out how wrong I was, I don't disagree, cheating is NEVER ok, no matter how you try to justify it, which he and I found out. He and I are happy now and so is she. They share custody of their children and are better coparents than they were husband and wife.



Cool down ; stop blaming his wife . He is as much to blame for the issues in the marriage as his wife is and involving you directly or indirectly under whatever guise is an excuse for him to make his wife even worse.

Whatever words you choose or innocent involvent you say you had with him , he was a married man and you his OW . Thus whether you like it or not you had a lot to do with his marriage falling apart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Cool down ; stop blaming his wife . He is as much to blame for the issues in the marriage as his wife is and involving you directly or indirectly under whatever guise is an excuse for him to make his wife even worse.
> 
> Whatever words you choose or innocent involvent you say you had with him , he was a married man and you his OW . Thus whether you like it or not you had a lot to do with his marriage falling apart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Oh yeah.


----------



## hagen123 (Mar 2, 2012)

You obviously didn't read what I said either. I don't believe I was innocent at all. However, their marriage was a wreck long before I came along. Yes, he should have been "man enough" to stand up to her and tell her the issues and end his marriage before getting involved with me at all. And yes, I should have been considerate and respectful to remove myself when I realized he and I were having feelings. I know we were selfish and our actions hurt people. We have lived with the consequences of that. I also know I was the reason it finally ended for good, regardless of how bad it was already.

But I have a couple questions...
--Do you think it is better to stay in a loveless, unintimate, unhappy, miserable marriage, constantly fighting in front of the children for the sake of marriage and the children?

-- Do you think he and I should not be together now simply because our relationship started out of a sin?

These are genuine questions, questions I have pondered for over a year...


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

hagen123 said:


> You obviously didn't read what I said either. I don't believe I was innocent at all. However, their marriage was a wreck long before I came along. Yes, he should have been "man enough" to stand up to her and tell her the issues and end his marriage before getting involved with me at all. And yes, I should have been considerate and respectful to remove myself when I realized he and I were having feelings. I know we were selfish and our actions hurt people. We have lived with the consequences of that. I also know I was the reason it finally ended for good, regardless of how bad it was already.
> 
> But I have a couple questions...
> --Do you think it is better to stay in a loveless, unintimate, unhappy, miserable marriage, constantly fighting in front of the children for the sake of marriage and the children?
> ...


Again, you know what you have been told about that M. It is very common for the cheater to tell his OW that the M is horrible to justify his extramarital relationship with her. Please look up the term Affair Fog. Knowing what that means and how that works will help you understand how deeply a person can fool themselves about what is real and what is not. Even when the M is bad, having an A is not the way to deal with that issue. The way to handle a bad marriage is to work on it, or end it honestly, and you have indicated that you already know this. Your chance of having a successful relationship with an AP are very poor, somewhere in the range of 3% to 10% depending on what study you site. There is a book called Surprised by Love that is written by a therapist who had an A that resulted in a D. It clearly outlines the thinking process that go's on in the mind of the cheater to allow him to betray his spouse. This couple was able to reconnect once his head began to clear, and the OW was out of the picture. It may help you to read this book, It is the best one I've read on how the Affair Fog develops. The authors are Dr Jay and Julie Kent Ferraro. This book is also a very good guide on how to build a lasting relationship based on genuine love and respect.


----------



## hagen123 (Mar 2, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> Again, you know what you have been told about that M. It is very common for the cheater to tell his OW that the M is horrible to justify his extramarital relationship with her. Please look up the term Affair Fog. Knowing what that means and how that works will help you understand how deeply a person can fool themselves about what is real and what is not. Even when the M is bad, having an A is not the way to deal with that issue. The way to handle a bad marriage is to work on it, or end it honestly, and you have indicated that you already know this. Your chance of having a successful relationship with an AP are very poor, somewhere in the range of 3% to 10% depending on what study you site. There is a book called Surprised by Love that is written by a therapist who had an A that resulted in a D. It clearly outlines the thinking process that go's on in the mind of the cheater to allow him to betray his spouse. This couple was able to reconnect once his head began to clear, and the OW was out of the picture. It may help you to read this book, It is the best one I've read on how the Affair Fog develops. The authors are Dr Jay and Julie Kent Ferraro. This book is also a very good guide on how to build a lasting relationship based on genuine love and respect.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hagen123 (Mar 2, 2012)

I will definitely say, everything I've felt for my actions has changed significantly after reading all of the stuff through the posts on here. I feel worse and like such an even bigger piece of sh**! I have felt so much guilt and remorse for my actions and did "justify" it a lot and realize now that doesn't mean anything or change anything. I had an epiphany a couple weeks ago about how I would have felt if I were her. Regardless of how bad their marriage was, to hear your husband cheated on you and your whole world was ripped out from under you is the scariest most horrible thing to go through. I have apologized to her several times and I know it doesn't matter and I don't expect her to ever forgive me. I don't deserve forgiveness. I know I did an absolute horrible act and was beyond selfish, but I'm not a horrible person. I, too, was very lost after my marriage ended and was not myself. There is NO excuse for what I did. I am so sorry to all on here who have been betrayed and I'm sorry that I was one of those women!!!  I truly am sorry. Thank you for your brutal honesty. I NEED to be put in my place and it shouldn't be sugar coated. I don't wish this on anyone and if anyone is on her contemplating an affair, I highly discourage it. It is the worst feeling ever to hurt someone, whether you know them or not, no matter how horrible they are. I didn't even come close to treating her, him, their children anywhere how I would want to be treated. I'm so ashamed of my actions. If I could change what I did, I would. I'm sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The answer is easy , dump him and go no contact permanently. Anything action less than that says you have no intention of taking the right road to recover yourself . 

As for him , as willing as he was to cheat on his wife he should be as willing to face the music. Time for him to man up and face his responsibilities without having you as his backup plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I love a classic cat fight, the twist that this one is happening in a zombie thread is epic! Gives it that "Hip, Trendy, Tarrintino bend"... "Two thumbs way up!!!"... "Bravo!"... "Sure to be a cult classic!!"


----------



## hagen123 (Mar 2, 2012)

This is so old and over. They've been apart for almost a year now and divorced and he and I live together and are happy and she's moved on. Like I said posts ago, they are better co-parents than they were married. He did face the music of his wife for 6 months. Went through all the stages of answering every detailed question and giving up his phone and passwords to everything. They went to MC for 6 months and the counselor finally told her to divorce him because there was no hope for them. They weren't in love or happy and were destroying the kids with their fighting in front of them.
I've said my peace and now I'm going to move forward and stop bothering everyone here. I made the mistake, I've been told how serious a mistake I made and I accept it. Because of who I am, I will never forgive myself for the way my relationship became. But he and I are happy and she has even told him, if you love her and she makes you happy, you should be with her. They've fought enough and accepted how miserable they were.

Good luck to everyone on here and again, I am so sorry for being one of those people who were too selfish to just do the right thing.


----------

