# Struggling with son wanting to join all-girl activity



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I debating posting about this because it may make me seem like a close-minded jerk and circumstances might make it not so anonymous (in which case “hi neighbor!”), but I need a sounding board. 

My 13-year old son wants to join the band’s color guard that has historically been all female. I am told that other guards in competition have males on their squads and that another boy in his grade has already signed up. So it is uncharted territory for their school but he wouldn’t be alone. The band is going to Disney this year which I suspect is the real reason he wants to join. But he did mention wanting to join last year so it isn’t just that. 

His father is pretty adamant about him not joining. He already struggles with being oddball and his dad fears it will make it so much worse. And he already has a lot going on during the year- baseball, basketball, theater group, school paper..band is a major commitment and time and money. 

His step father is also adamant about him not joining but it is from a financial and time view. It will cost a minimum or $2,500 that we don’t have. I spoke to one mom that said she estimated they will spend $5,000 this year with the trip, user fees and competition uniforms. Some of that can be made up with fundraising but there are no guarantees. His father would be no help financially (deadbeat) He also doesn’t want to add another thing to our calendar. 

And I am torn. I hate to deny him this experience. I also hate the idea of seeing him in a spandex suit and having kids make fun of him. My husband’s arguments are valid but I wonder if we would be having the same conversation if my son was still playing football and their team was going to the championship at Disney. I bet we would be fundraising like crazy then. 

I am feeling anxiety about saying no and anxiety about saying yes. I don’t want to break his heart, especially for the wrong reasons.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Welp....girls are permitted into the Boy Scouts of America. What is the issue?


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

So your son will be spending lots of time with girls. Sounds pretty smart to me - I bet once the other guys figure this one out, they will be trying to join as well!! I see guy cheerleaders all the time - I mean - what a gig!!!

Question - if it were your daughter wanting this - would everyone be up in arms about this??


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Aspydad said:


> Question - if it were your daughter wanting this - would everyone be up in arms about this??


Brings up the cost concern. It appears to me, daughter or son, the cost is prohibitive. If that is the case, mom and dad need to say no.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

1) Kids can be cruel, no matter what. I was in the oddball group with theater kids and band kids so at this point - I'm sure he already knows what to expect. I wouldn't have changed my experiences for the world though.

2) The time suck is no joke and what I'd be most concerned about. Band is a huge commitment and something that I know would take dropping at least one activity. I would make that clear that time alone is a great reason to say no. At 13, he can start to decide on his own where he wants to direct time and what he is willing to sacrifice to do something.

3) I have always said I want my son to be happy and put his heart into whatever he wants. I think after addressing the time and money concerns, the kids and potential "making fun of," are secondary.

4) If color guard is anything like cheerleading, he will be treated like royalty by his teammates. Guys who get into it are gold.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you can't afford it, just tell him so. Then the other factors are peripheral and unimportant.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I would simply tell your son that the cost is an issue. If he can come up with the money and make time in his schedule, then fine. But make sure he knows that it may mean giving up some, or even all, of his other activities in order to do it. If fundraising and cutting other activities still won't cover the costs, though, just be honest and tell him you cannot afford it. There's no shame in that, and it sounds like he's got plenty of other extracurriculars to keep him occupied.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Thank you, you are all wonderful. I think I will inquire with the music director about the actual costs (missed the parent meeting earlier this year) so we can make an informed decision on expenses. 

I actually envy my son’s ability to try new things and not give a hoot what others think of him. I wish I had been more that way growing up.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

In 1982 -3 My Younger brother left the Football team with tendinitis. Took a year of Gymnastics and became the first male Cheerleader ever in our small very conservative High School. Cheerleaders were elected by the student body. It was a landslide. The cheerleaders respected him. Girls in his and other schools were fascinated by him. He never lacked a partner. or a stalker for that matter. 

As for the spandex. His outfits were different and geared to his gender. It was really no problem. 

As far as the Disney trip, I went through a lot of those with my girls. Huge nightmare. Never worth the trouble.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I signed up for home ec, the class was all female, and it was a cooking class. I took both wood and metal shop, my dad was a handyman, and everything we went over, I had basically known since I was 8. The cooking class was more or less so I could get to know two of the girls in the class. My parents worked, and I learned to operate the stove at 6, and could make dinner by the time I was 10. The teacher was great about me joining as I explained that I was responsible for dinner at home. Little did she know that I was quite well versed, and some of my stuff was fairly spectacular. I slipped up, and did something advanced (a mini Wellington, with my own pastry), the teacher then told me that two classes in, when she saw me chop an onion and I had knife skills, that I was a ringer. Once that was out in the open, I used class time to make some of my better stuff (Coq au vin, or veal medallions in white wine). I did get to know those two girls, and developed the seeds of my seduction technique in that class, I cooked well enough that one girl suggested that I come over to her place (while her mom and dad were on vacation,), and make her dinner. I made the dinner, (easy peasy, a pasta dish with bbq shrimp) she was the dessert. The teacher denied me progressing to the next year in her class, but offered me the sewing. I turned her down, then explained, my grandfather is / was a tailor. He thought that I was wasting time not learning a trade, (vehement trade unionist-I think I learned "Workers of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your chains", when I first learned to talk.), and taught me how to cut and sew. I can take anything in. I can sew a straight seam (helps, cause my wife never learned). Our kids were the recipients of my various talents, and my son has learned cooking, in fact quite well, followed in the old man's footsteps. The girl sews quite well, she is a surgeon.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Bluesclues said:


> Thank you, you are all wonderful. I think I will inquire with the music director about the actual costs (missed the parent meeting earlier this year) so we can make an informed decision on expenses.
> 
> *I actually envy my son’s ability to try new things and not give a hoot what others think of him. I wish I had been more that way growing up.*


Perhaps you should try to encourage that in him and not try to be too protective. He just might surprise you with his openmindedness and resistance to peer pressure.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Any activities he could give up in order to free up the time and money?

If you discuss the cost with the color guard director, you may find they have a way to help some of the kids out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

To let you know where I am coming from... 2 of my brothers were ballet dancers when they were young. They started at about age 14 and did it into their late 30's. They were both also Airborne Rangers in the Army. Now they are in their late 50's. One is in the medical field and still teaches dance and does things in the dance industry. He married a dance and 2 of his children are dancers who bring in 6 figure incomes annually. The other now owns a construction company, is married, has 3 kids who are grown now.

My brothers got into dance because the older one was on the wrestling team, winning every match and accidently hurt someone. So the wrestling coach told him to take ballet to learn more muscle awareness and control. 

My had dance careers that took them all over the world. My niece and nephew who are now dancers have also traveled all over the world to dance and teach. They are still in their 20's and have been in every continent. And they also have been able to get their college degrees and pay for them without loans, etc.

That said, I see no problem with your son doing this. If they are a good team, they are into gymnastics. Gymnastics, like dance (professional dance), is more physically demanding than things like football.

One thing my brothers loved about dancing is that the girls loved them. Talk about boosting a guy's ego!

Were my brothers ever teased for being boys in tights? Nope. 

You are better helping your son learn to deal with people who might tease him than to teach him to avoid things because someone might tease him. It will make him emotionally stronger.

The rule I followed with my kids as the same one my parents followed... let a kid explore and try anything that they want. You never know where their path might lead them. It's their path, let them live it.

About the cost of this whole thing, tell your son that it's very expensive and he needs to find ways to help pay for it. Maybe a go-fund-me page. He could offer to do chores for the neighbors. He might find out that he's an entrapaneur at heart.

If he cannot raise the money, then he will learn a lot about money and how lack of it limits one's opportunities in life.


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## Dawghoused (Mar 24, 2018)

So, the main problem is money. Just say him "We also want to get you joined the band but our financial condition is not good and we can not afford the expenses of the trip." Hope he will understand.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Bluesclues said:


> I debating posting about this because it may make me seem like a close-minded jerk and circumstances might make it not so anonymous (in which case “hi neighbor!”), but I need a sounding board.
> 
> My 13-year old son wants to join the band’s color guard that has historically been all female. I am told that other guards in competition have males on their squads and that another boy in his grade has already signed up. So it is uncharted territory for their school but he wouldn’t be alone. The band is going to Disney this year which I suspect is the real reason he wants to join. But he did mention wanting to join last year so it isn’t just that.
> 
> ...



See the highlighted part? As a parent our job isn't necessarily to form a kid into the image of what we think they should be, our job is to help them explore lifes options and find their own best self. If you can handle it financially let the kid try. And maybe get him karate lessons as well! Yes I know kids can be cruel but we parents shouldn't jump on the band wagon and make our kids feel being different means somethings not right with them.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Can your son do jobs that will help him pay for it? Mowing lawns during the summer for example.

What about his father and your husband? Are you willing to go against them to prove something? Consider your motives.

Personally, I don't care about the activity. What I would be concerned about is the money and how this will fit into his already busy life. What is he willing to give up and why does he want to do this so badly? Is there is a girl on the squad he is interested in getting closer to? There are so many possible reasons why anyone would want to do something that will take so much time, expense, and energy, I'd want to understand that and see if there was a way to work through it together to make it happen - or not.

Also - This is not an all girl activity. Other boys are involved in it and it's not as if boys aren't allowed.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Taxman said:


> I signed up for home ec, the class was all female, and it was a cooking class. I took both wood and metal shop, my dad was a handyman, and everything we went over, I had basically known since I was 8. The cooking class was more or less so I could get to know two of the girls in the class. My parents worked, and I learned to operate the stove at 6, and could make dinner by the time I was 10. The teacher was great about me joining as I explained that I was responsible for dinner at home. Little did she know that I was quite well versed, and some of my stuff was fairly spectacular. I slipped up, and did something advanced (a mini Wellington, with my own pastry), the teacher then told me that two classes in, when she saw me chop an onion and I had knife skills, that I was a ringer. Once that was out in the open, I used class time to make some of my better stuff (Coq au vin, or veal medallions in white wine). I did get to know those two girls, and developed the seeds of my seduction technique in that class, I cooked well enough that one girl suggested that I come over to her place (while her mom and dad were on vacation,), and make her dinner. I made the dinner, (easy peasy, a pasta dish with bbq shrimp) she was the dessert. The teacher denied me progressing to the next year in her class, but offered me the sewing. I turned her down, then explained, my grandfather is / was a tailor. He thought that I was wasting time not learning a trade, (vehement trade unionist-I think I learned "Workers of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your chains", when I first learned to talk.), and taught me how to cut and sew. I can take anything in. I can sew a straight seam (helps, cause my wife never learned). Our kids were the recipients of my various talents, and my son has learned cooking, in fact quite well, followed in the old man's footsteps. The girl sews quite well, she is a surgeon.


This really strikes a chord with me.When I was ten I changed schools and the new school was very progressive in it’s teaching methods.Everybody tried every subject,I learned basic home economics,cooking,clothes repair,laundry etc and the girls all tried metalwork and carpentry.The sports were great fun,we all tried boxing,soccer etc.
There were only sixteen in my year and only two of us were boys.The other boy was gay.
I had a great time!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's no different than girls wanting to play a boys sport like football or baseball!

Provided he has the weatherall to do it, and your son can work a job to help offset the expenses, then I say "more power to him!"*


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Bluesclues said:


> ... but I need a sounding board.
> 
> His step father is also adamant about him not joining but it is from a financial and time view. It will cost a minimum or $2,500 that we don’t have. I spoke to one mom that said she estimated they will spend $5,000 this year with the trip, user fees and competition uniforms...



OP, here's your answer and the only explanation that is needed. There's no need to make this about gender roles or fitting in, if it does not have to be. He'll be exposed to that as much as he likes when he becomes an adult in the work force or enters college...

For now, the life lesson is that "we don't always get to do what we want to do in life" if the funds are not available, and just leave it at that.

Best of luck to you and your son.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bluesclues said:


> ... but I need a sounding board.
> 
> His step father is also adamant about him not joining but it is from a financial and time view. It will cost a minimum or $2,500 that we don’t have. I spoke to one mom that said she estimated they will spend $5,000 this year with the trip, user fees and competition uniforms...



It sounds like general stuff is $2,500 and the trip is about $2,500. 

Could you provide a cost breakdown on this?

For example, is part of the $2,500 uniforms? 

I wonder if there is a way to mitigate some of the cost. For example, I there some ex member that has a uniform that would fit him?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like general stuff is $2,500 and the trip is about $2,500.
> 
> Could you provide a cost breakdown on this?
> 
> ...


First year for boys on the team so he's probably not going to want to wear a former members uniforms.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > It sounds like general stuff is $2,500 and the trip is about $2,500.
> ...


This made me LOL! The old uniform would be doable if he wanted to be in band, but flag interepts the music and chooses a new costume each season to match. But the real expenses are the trip and mandatory band camp apparently. 

Anyway, the worrying on this one is done. I told him how much it would cost and he was like “oh forget that” before I could even say it was a concern. And he wasn’t heartbroken, not even a little.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Great advice everyone gave you.

Only thing I wanted to chime in on is that I abhor "fundraising" for other peoples children doing elaborate trips, or likely what triggers me on this "select" sports.

Have family that does plenty of "select" sports. Generally a grand just to be on the team. Then there is always travel. At times people that do this have the nerve to "fundraise" for their kid to be on said team. If people want their kids on these teams, great. But do it on your own dime. The fundraising is generally BS and basically amount to "help pay for MY child to do fun things".


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