# Requesting 2X4's so I may pass them along.



## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Dear TAM,

This is about a couple I've known for a long time and their relationship is going off the rails.

I met them both long ago, in high school. I was friends with this man and he introduced me to his gf and she and I became best friends. She was in my wedding and I was in hers and her family and mine spent many major holidays together like Thanksgiving and Easter even though we both had lots of family, parents on all sides.

We even vacationed together, her family and mine.

I don't like what she's recently done. Her husband called me recently for advice and I didn't hold back, but he' waffling.

I want to copy and paste a lot of this, the responses that is, so I may email it to him.

I think it helps to have the thoughts and opinions of others who have their eyes wide open and who may offer unbiased opinions.

This man is nice, kind & smart but he's probably too nice and I fear he's going to be badly hurt.

I already know I'm going to lose this lady as my friend (my choice based upon her actions).

Here is the situation.

The wife attended a class for fun (she's a college grad). It has nothing to do with her work or for schooling credit etc.

In the class, she met a man. She said this man and she kissed. This man also gave her a necklace with a pendant on it.

This lady told her husband about the kiss and showed him the necklace. Even though this man is nice, he was stern and he said his peace about the necklace, that she needs to get rid of it. This lady told him no and said she's keeping the necklace. She's even worn it from time to time, with her husband around.

I foresee pain and misery coming for this man and I've let him know this, directly as we've been friends a long time.

TAM, please help me enlighten him about all of this.

I thank you in advance.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

She clearly has no respect for her husband or the marriage. He is now in an open marriage. I think this a case where he must be willing to end the marriage in order to have a chance of saving it. He should consult a lawyer and get his ducks in a row just in case. He needs to tell his wife that the choice is hers and she must make it very soon. Either end all contact with her AP or work with her husband to end their marriage. I would suggest that the husband always refer to the other man as her affair partner when they discuss this. I am sure she will say he is only a friend. The choices are to get out of infidelity by D or R, or accept it.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Thank you QuietGuy.

I agree. Here are a couple of things I told him on the phone when he called me. I told him that other men in that class didn't kiss her, but this man did. I told Jeff that his wife had to do something, let him on, show some interest, something to let that man know it was OK to kiss her. I told Jeff that other men in that class didn't buy his wife a piece of jewelry, but this man did, the same man who kissed her.

I told Jeff that men just don't and go buy a piece of jewelry and give to a lady just because. I let him know that the odds were really high that it just wasn't a kiss either.

Jeff is hurting, he's in denial. I'm being nice because he's been a friend for a long time, but he needs to get his head out of the sand and quickly.

I'm hoping that seeing what others say about this will help him gain the perspective he desperately needs.

His eyes are not wide open and they need to be yesterday.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Tell your man friend to post here and tell his own story.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Trident said:


> Tell you man friend to post here and tell his own story.


I did mention this site to him. I hope he will. I won't get my hopes up though. He does ZERO social media. He's never had a FB, ever. He's never had twitter, snap, insta or anything like them.

He emails and he texts, that's it. To him, social media is stupid, evil, a waste of time etc. He doesn't like TV either.

I told him to at least come to this site to look at it, to read different threads. I think he will do that and I will push him to do that. If he does, who knows, he may end up posting. Sadly, if he ends up posting, I think it will be because things are really heading south between his wife and him.

To spur it along, I think I'm going to email him pertinent parts of other threads as I don't want to sit on my hands and watch this train wreck that I fear is coming for him and his family.

I'd rather try and fail than not doing anything at all.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

A18, the things you told him are spot on. His wife obviously knows how nice he is an she is taking full advantage. That is so sad, bordering on evil. She has already left the marriage, and there is only a small chance she will come back. At this point nice all but guarantees failure. Some anger and resolute firm action offer some hope. This has to be the hardest moment of his life.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

my standard response to these tales of woe:
in cheater language,
Kissed = They screwed


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

QuietGuy said:


> A18, the things you told him are spot on. His wife obviously knows how nice he is an she is taking full advantage. That is so sad, bordering on evil. She has already left the marriage, and there is only a small chance she will come back. At this point nice all but guarantees failure. Some anger and resolute firm action offer some hope. This has to be the hardest moment of his life.


Sadly, I can't disagree with any of what you wrote. Jeff needs to get angry and quickly. I'm more upset about this right now than he is.

He's a good man, a good father. Their children are all young adults now and out of the house, like mine our.

They've been together since they were both 14 years old, married over 30 years. She's lived a charmed life thanks to him.

I don't think he's yet able to wrap his mind around this and I think it's much worse than it appears.

I know he's hurting, worried and suffering. He's always kept too much inside, he's in his 50's too and that's the way men were raised back then, to keep things in, to not show emotions etc.

I'm worried as much as I am because he reached out to me via a phone call (we live hundreds of miles away and we have since college). My point is that for him to reach out to me is meaningful (not that he called me mind you) because he doesn't open up, share or talk bad about his wife Julie, ever.

For him to call and talk to me about this lets me know he's worried. He's worried enough to have reached out to me and that worries me.

Dam n, I'm getting worked up into a tizzy about all of this.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> my standard response to these tales of woe:
> in cheater language,
> Kissed = They screwed


Talker, Sadly, I agree with you.

Decades ago I wouldn't have. I was young, naïve and my first husband cheated on me and my eyes were finally opened.

My friend Jeff has not yet had his eyes opened though. I just worry that when he opens his eyes, he's going to see a Mack truck about to run him over.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

A18, does he have IC available to him. Holding all this in has to be very unhealthy.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

QuietGuy said:


> A18, does he have IC available to him. Holding all this in has to be very unhealthy.


Yes, he does. He has a nice job, does well, he's in management. They aren't wealthy, but they're above middle class.

He has nice benefits so he could go that route or just go see a counselor as he/they have money for that.

Thanks for bringing it up, I'm going to tell him to go see a counselor pronto.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You shouldn't get more upset about it than he does. I think you're going to have to let those two work this out. She's crazy for taking the necklace from this guy she kissed and if that's all the facts, she's playing with fire, but it's not up to you whether he decides to put up with it or not. You should not really be in the middle of this. If I were you I would tell them both to leave you out of it and let you know when you're done squabbling about it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Sadly, I can't disagree with any of what you wrote. Jeff needs to get angry and quickly. I'm more upset about this right now than he is.
> 
> He's a good man, a good father. Their children are all young adults now and out of the house, like mine our.
> 
> ...


Tell him to get a PI involved and have his wife followed. I BET that the "kiss" was WAY more than that. A guy doesn't give a necklace to a woman for a "kiss". Ask him why does he think a "friend" that she "kissed" gave her a necklace?

Can he get in to her phone? Can he check the phone records?

Something HE can do -- get rid of the necklace. BUT that is really locking the gate after the horse is gone.
He needs to see a lawyer to get a gameplan together.
I agree that this is probably WAY worse than he thinks.... He really needs to take the blinders off. He is thinking about his wife the way HE SEES HER, not the way she really is, and she is using that against him.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i was rethinking WHY she would flaunt the necklace in front of the guy. the answer that fits is....she is acting like she wants to be a hot wife. i.e. a woman who stays married to one man, but has permission to have sex with other men. She made it clear to him that they kissed, that he gave her a visible sign of their sexual attraction for each other, at the least, and she is taunting him with it.

she maybe be basically asking: are you turned on by me playing with this other man? do you get a sexual thrill from me playing with this other man? Would you like a cuckold lifestyle, where you have no say in my sex life anymore?

the only other thing that fits is that she literally HAS checked out, and just wants a divorce and is trying to deliberately piss him off.

I bet she read about the hotwife lifestyle in some woman's magazine, like Cosmo, found it turned her on, has been masturbating thinking about other men now, and has taken the next step toward becomeing a hotwife. She keeps wearing the necklace as a question to him...is it OK for her to become the hotwife or not. If he does not agree with this....he had better step up and REALLY LET HER KNOW, with no ambiguity at all. I would rip that necklace off of her neck and throw it into the trash can.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Encourage your friend to speak with a lawyer to see what divorce looks like. Then he should make the relevant preparations accordingly.

If he would truly like to send a shockwave through his wife's fantasy he should file for divorce and have her served at the college in class. I did this and I highly recommend it. 

Will it help his marriage? No. Unfortunately his marriage is already over when his wife is "kissing" another man and wearing the jewelry purchased by her lover.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> This lady told her husband about the kiss and showed him the necklace. Even though this man is nice, he was stern and he said his peace about the necklace, that she needs to get rid of it. This lady told him no and said she's keeping the necklace. She's even worn it from time to time, with her husband around.


This woman sought & found external validation. That happens but to keep the necklace & throw it in her husband's face is cruel & selfish. To her it's a reminder that she is sexy & desirable but she's using it as a warning to him which is so unfair. 

That said, blowing up a marriage & a life is tough. 

While stealing is wrong, in her husband's shoes, I might be tempted to take the necklace & hide it so she can't wear it. Gaslight her into thinking she lost if.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You shouldn't get more upset about it than he does. I think you're going to have to let those two work this out. She's crazy for taking the necklace from this guy she kissed and if that's all the facts, she's playing with fire, but it's not up to you whether he decides to put up with it or not. You should not really be in the middle of this. If I were you I would tell them both to leave you out of it and let you know when you're done squabbling about it.


Thanks for your response River. As for me being in the middle of this, he called me. Also, in a comment on here yesterday I said I was being "nice" to him and by that I meant I wasn't going off and telling him the worst, that she was cheating on him, that he needed to hire a PI or get a VAR etc.

Now, in my mind I was saying those things to myself. Why? My first husband cheated on me and this man knows this too, as does his wife as we've been good friends since the early 80's.

I've not emailed, texted or called him since he called me, though I will support him in any way he wants me to. Again, he reached out to me and that was telling.

He was 14 and I was 15 when we met in chemistry class in high school. In other comments I've said how much time we've all shared together, his family and mine (with my first husband and me). We spent many major holidays together. Our families vacationed together.

So, when he reached out to me, I'm not going to give him the cold shoulder or tell him that it's up to Julie and him to work this out. I will be a good friend to him just like I've been for over 30 years to him.

In the back of my mind, I'm worried and freaked out, but I didn't show that to him or let on to him when he called me the other day.

My eyes are open, his aren't. I'm aware of TT. I also know his wife, really well. I was in her wedding and she was in my wedding. Had these two died, my first husband and I would have gotten their children. We're all close.

It's a moot point about the children now as all of theirs and mine are young adults and out of the house, but the fact remains he's a really good friend and I'm worried for him, I'm hurting for him. I know what it's like to be cheated on and I fear he's about to find out.

So, no, I won't interject myself into his business, but I sure as heck am going to hear him out and offer advice if he asks me for it.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Tell him to get a PI involved and have his wife followed. I BET that the "kiss" was WAY more than that. A guy doesn't give a necklace to a woman for a "kiss". Ask him why does he think a "friend" that she "kissed" gave her a necklace?
> 
> Can he get in to her phone? Can he check the phone records?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply.

He is a smart man, he really is. He isn't a kid either, he's in his mid-50's and while they aren't wealthy, they are doing well financially so he would be able to do any and off those things, if he feels the need to do them.

He also knows what my first husband did to me, the cheating he did and it crushed him back then too as they were friends, good friends with each other. My first husband and this man, Jeff, came really close to opening a business together. They were looking to buy a business together and they did their due diligence and decided against it.

Jeff knows people cheat, he knew what my first husband Tim did to me and sadly I feel he's coming around to the fact that his wife Julie has cheated on him.

He's going to be crushed, but he will be OK if that's the reality. All of their children are young adults and out of the house so if they were to divorce, they'd just have to divide up their marital assets. She hasn't worked since like 1996 or 1997 so I'm sure he'd have to pay in some form, but I guess that's up to the state law where they live, if this is what comes to pass.

I am waiting for him to contact me again as I'm not going to pester him. He's known me a long time, we trust each other. In some ways I'm similar to his wife. She and I were great friends, we were on sports teams together in high school and we're both emotional, too emotional at times.

This man has never put his wife down to me once in 30 plus years. Sadly, his wife has talked badly about him to me over the years.

If he contacts me again, I will listen and offer appropriate advice, but I will do it calmly. He's not emotional, he's not one to yell, raise his voice, scream etc. If I were to freak out while giving him advice, he'd pull away from me.

I just can't get over the fact that he called me about this. To me, that means it's bad. I hope there isn't more to this, but I don't have a good feeling about it.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> This woman sought & found external validation. That happens but to keep the necklace & throw it in her husband's face is cruel & selfish. To her it's a reminder that she is sexy & desirable but she's using it as a warning to him which is so unfair.
> 
> That said, blowing up a marriage & a life is tough.
> 
> While stealing is wrong, in her husband's shoes, I might be tempted to take the necklace & hide it so she can't wear it. Gaslight her into thinking she lost if.


All good points, I appreciate your comment.

Jeff will be slow to act, but when he does it will be decisive. I can't see the necklace remaining regardless of what happens between the two of them.

I feel you are on point about her seeking validation. She's always been insecure, had body image issues (don't know why, she's pretty, petite, she was always a runner, she and I ran cross country together in high school, she's a good deal prettier than I am, always has been yet she's always been insecure).

She's lived a charmed life, she hasn't worked since like 1996 or 1997, she has many hobbies, friends, a good social circle and this man was the quote/unquote perfect husband. He was involved with the children to a high degree, he helped his wife out with chores even though she didn't work outside of the home, he helped her parents out a lot too. He's easy going, laid back, an all around good guy. He also did things for himself so he didn't just do things or only hang around his wife. He had his own life, played on sports teams, he golfed regularly etc.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> i was rethinking WHY she would flaunt the necklace in front of the guy. the answer that fits is....she is acting like she wants to be a hot wife. i.e. a woman who stays married to one man, but has permission to have sex with other men. She made it clear to him that they kissed, that he gave her a visible sign of their sexual attraction for each other, at the least, and she is taunting him with it.
> 
> she maybe be basically asking: are you turned on by me playing with this other man? do you get a sexual thrill from me playing with this other man? Would you like a cuckold lifestyle, where you have no say in my sex life anymore?
> 
> ...


All I can say is that I hope this isn't the case. Jeff wouldn't go for that, not in a million years. If she's cheated on him, he'll divorce her. All their kids are young adults and out of the house, money won't be a factor. He'd sell their house even though he could afford to remain if they divorced. 

I've heard him talk about wanting to downsize since all their children are out of the house. They have 4 bedrooms, a bonus room over the garage, a beautiful backyard that has woods and a field that back up to their backyard and the folks over there have horses. His children would feed the horses carrots and apples as they stuck their head over the field fence into his backyard. His children loved those horses.

He already doesn't want to be in his house with it being just his wife and him. If she cheated and they divorce, he'll sell the house, split assets and move on.

Another person made a comment about therapy, counseling and if/when he contacts me again I'm going to tell him he needs to do that for sure.

He'll be open to his, Julie and him and have gone to counseling a handful of times in their decades together so I know he's not the kind of person who is against counseling.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Thanks for your response River. As for me being in the middle of this, he called me. Also, in a comment on here yesterday I said I was being "nice" to him and by that I meant I wasn't going off and telling him the worst, that she was cheating on him, that he needed to hire a PI or get a VAR etc.
> 
> Now, in my mind I was saying those things to myself. Why? My first husband cheated on me and this man knows this too, as does his wife as we've been good friends since the early 80's.
> 
> ...


I understand but if things get real stirred up between them she may even make something of the fact that he contacted you. You never know what he might be thinking or what conclusion she could jump to so just be careful.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> This woman sought & found external validation. That happens but to keep *the necklace* & throw it in her husband's face is cruel & selfish.


dip it in excrement, so every time she wears it he can chuckle to himself


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> I already know I'm going to lose this lady as my friend (my choice based upon her actions).


It's best to lose her as a friend. Because, if you keep associating with her, then other people are going to wonder about your own moral compass, since birds of a feather and all....



Trident said:


> Tell your man friend to post here and tell his own story.


Also, tell Jeff not to let his wife know about this website. This needs to be his own private resource where he can speak freely and ask for help. If his wife is here as well, then me may self-censor and may not be able to get much benefit from joining this website.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

I apologize for asking this: 

Is that a pearl necklace that the man gave to her?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> This woman sought & found external validation. That happens but to keep the necklace & throw it in her husband's face is cruel & selfish. To her it's a reminder that she is sexy & desirable but she's using it as a warning to him which is so unfair.
> 
> That said, blowing up a marriage & a life is tough.
> 
> While stealing is wrong, in her husband's shoes,* I might be tempted to take the necklace & hide it so she can't wear it.* Gaslight her into thinking she lost if.


Sorry, and respectfully, but this is an extremely Wussified idea.

it was more than a kiss. She rocked his world enough that he bought her a gift. She wears her infidelity as a badge of honor. There is nothing further for your weak, naive, passive friend to do here but prepare for a life as a cuckold or divorce her. Don’t threaten divorce, do it. I would see her destroy that damn necklace and literally approach me in ashes and sackcloth asking forgiveness or I’d happily divorce her.

However, I once dealt with a cheating wife for 4 days before I kicked her out (she wanted to leave) and divorced her.

my point is I understand your friend’s weak attitude. He’s been steamrolled/blindsided.

However, the only choice she has left him if he is to keep his honor and dignity intact, and have a chance at a faithful wife, is to send her packing at all costs. She has slapped him in the face with not just betrayal, but blatant and continued disrespect. An attorney is the way to go here. And he should go after her with a shark if an attorney just to try to get out in the ballpark of fair. He’ll be screwed financially. Better that than to be a cuckold. Sad to say, but that’s already here.

my sympathies to your friend.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Surely a 50-something husband whose wife acknowledges "kissing" another man (where?), and acknowledges receiving a necklace from her AP knows his wife is cheating. And knows how to deal with it, what his realistic options are whether it be to hire an attorney, hire a PI, or just eat the sh*t sandwich. It is obvious she has divorced him, but hasn't filed the paperwork. Probably wants him to be the one to initiate the divorce.

Empty-nest wife spreads her "wings" to experience the "adventure" she thinks she has been missing. Likely becoming a "hot" divorcee is her goal. When she is elderly she can be abandoned and alone, ignored by all.

Unfortunately her hubby will get to pay the freight, he might as well get on with getting the thing over with sooner rather than later.. He may be a nice guy, but you know where they finish. The A$$holes like her AP get all of the fun and pay none of the penalties. Life ain't fair.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

First thing that needs to be faced is that this is much more serious than you or her poor husband thinks. The chance that she just kissed this guy are very low. It is very likely that she’s having regular sex with her boyfriend. That necklace is OM’s way of marking his territory and she wears it as a sign of her loyalty to her man. I’d bet that your friend is now sexually cut off because his wife wants to be loyal to her boyfriend.

Please encourage him to post here. Warn him that it can be overwhelming with being told that the situation is much worse and that he has to take bold action. The fact that his wife defied his request to cut contact and then is flaunting her man’s necklace tells me that he’s very weak and needs to crush his inner nice guy.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> If she's cheated on him, he'll divorce her.


Well, call the lawyer because she already admitted to that. What class was she taking? There's a chance this has been going on long before the class and that was a cover.

The necklace is a **** test. He can't win he's either going to be accused of being a "controlling asshole" or a "wuss". As stated multiple times a kiss is not just a kiss, it's usually the horizontal tango. I've got to give him some credit, I would have been hard pressed not to snatch the necklace off of her neck and run it through the garbage disposal, then I would likely suffer the consequences.

*He needs to hire a PI* because there is WAY more to this story and he sounds like he may be the 'head in the sand' sort of guy.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@Rus47 nailed it perfectly in this post. It needs repeating. 



Rus47 said:


> Surely a 50-something husband whose wife acknowledges "kissing" another man (where?), and acknowledges receiving a necklace from her AP knows his wife is cheating. And knows how to deal with it, what his realistic options are whether it be to hire an attorney, hire a PI, or just eat the sh*t sandwich. It is obvious she has divorced him, but hasn't filed the paperwork. Probably wants him to be the one to initiate the divorce.
> 
> Empty-nest wife spreads her "wings" to experience the "adventure" she thinks she has been missing. Likely becoming a "hot" divorcee is her goal. When she is elderly she can be abandoned and alone, ignored by all.
> 
> Unfortunately her hubby will get to pay the freight, he might as well get on with getting the thing over with sooner rather than later.. He may be a nice guy, but you know where they finish. The A$$holes like her AP get all of the fun and pay none of the penalties. Life ain't fair.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Nice guys always get screwed. I bet she's done way more than a kiss.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

thunderchad said:


> Nice guys always get screwed. I bet she's done way more than a kiss.


Oh she for sure kissed a lot (open mouthed on AP's manhood ). Bet hubby has experienced none of what AP got from her for a cheap necklace. That is why she wears it, she recalls how great her AP was every time she wears the necklace.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@A18S37K14H18 Have you talked to this man's wife about what she is doing to her husband and marriage?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> @A18S37K14H18 Have you talked to this man's wife about what she is doing to her husband and marriage?


Pointless. She WS doesn't care what she is doing to her husband. She is having fun! And will experience no consequences. If he divorces her she will have the house snd 3/4 of the money. And the AP, and a bunch more standing in line for a kiss. Besides the pain of being dumped. The Karma bus wont stop at her door.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> Pointless. She WS doesn't care what she is doing to her husband. She is having fun! And will experience no consequences. If he divorces her she will have the house snd 3/4 of the money. And the AP, and a bunch more standing in line for a kiss. Besides the pain of being dumped. The Karma bus wont stop at her door.


It really messed up how the family courts are so slanted against men. No fault divorce sounds good but nearly always works against men. That an adulterous wife can walk away with cash and prizes is outrageous.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> *It really messed up how the family courts are so slanted against men*. No fault divorce sounds good but nearly always works against men. That an adulterous wife can walk away with cash and prizes is outrageous.


It is like buying a big house in a deed restricted subdivision. A man agrees with the restrictive covenants when he signs the papers at closing. If he didn't read them or understand them, he is still bound by them.

Every man ( and woman ) know what the penalties (rewards) are if there is ever a divorce. Yet most put less thought into tying the knot than they put into buying a new pair of shoes. They find someone they think is really hot, never investigate the person's background and history, never interview the family, never talk about what is important to the prospective spouse. It is way more critical than hiring an employee, if they were hiring a spouse they would subject the prospect to a great deal of scrutiny. 

In this case, evidently the man's WS has turned into someone he didn't marry. That happens a lot with hormone changes and such. But maybe he wasn't stoking the fires over the years, and she was just staying "for the kids". So now, she is ready to wear out some fresh meat and really doesn't care what the husband does. Divorce or no, either way she wins.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

The news isn't good folks.

He is divorcing her.

This man in the class, who gave her the necklace isn't the main reason why. He's involved of course, but sadly there was much worse.

My friend went through the phone records and there hundreds of calls (almost no texts).

His wife went across the street a few days ago to borrow some food from a neighbor for a recipe and he looked at her phone. The number was under a contact named "Patricia". His name is Patrick.

She's been having an affair with him, with Patrick since 2015. They met at their 30th high school reunion and they've been going "strong" ever since.

Jeff called that number, the number under the contact of Patricia from his wife's phone when she was across the street at their neighbors house and a man answered and said "Hello gorgeous" and he hung up. He had all the info he wanted or needed at that moment.

My friend Jeff has called me twice since finding the phone records. I've not reached out to him but I did speak with him for quite a while both times he called me.

He's always been private and never said a bad word about his wife, to me or others. There were other things he confided in me about. A contractor she "just kissed" who worked on building one of their homes long ago. There were two men at one of the church they went to and now Patrick and the man in that class who gave her the necklace.

Evidently the next time Patrick and Julie spoke with each other, "her" call to him came up as Patrick mentioned it to her and that was when Jeff had called "Patricia" from his wife's phone and hung up when he heard a man's voice saying "Hello gorgeous".

Jeff's wife was shaken by that and it led to her talking to Jeff. He told her he didn't want to talk about it. She asked him if he was going to divorce her and he lied to her and told her he didn't know, he needed time.

He's divorcing her alright, she just doesn't know it. He's seen a lawyer and she should (hopefully) be served by the end of next week or early the following week.

Jeff told me he's contacted a realtor too and he wants the realtor to come over on the day she gets served.

Since she's a stay at home mom, without any kids in the house anymore (their youngest is away off at college, the other two are beyond college), Jeff will leave for work like normal on the day she will be served and he will go back to their house early, like 8 a.m. or so with a friend, a witness, and with the person who will serve her there in her home (as she doesn't work).

He will then leave but not go to work as he figures she'll go to his office when he isn't returning her texts and calls.

He's over all of it. His children are grown and out of the house, so at least that happened as he always wanted his kids to have both parents while they were young and in the house, to be able to come home from school to their mother etc.

He is working on an email that he will send to all 3 of their children shortly after his wife has been served. He won't go into all the gory details (he's not that way) but he is going to be more than clear about what their mother has done, repeatedly.

Jeff has told me to not talk to her, to not go after my pound of flesh until after she's been served and I will of course abide by his wishes.

My guess is she will be shaken, not want it to happen, for a bit and then she'll turn angry and into a real bitc h.

She is and has always been greedy and materialistic. She LOVES her house (yes, I said her intentionally instead of their house as she views it as hers). She won't be able to afford it on her own and it's not just the house. It's the subdivision, she has many friends there, a pool by the entrance, she's in groups and clubs with other women in their subdivision and she is going to lose her lifestyle.

Jeff never wanted their timeshare condo, she bought it without him though he paid it for it of course so he wants that sold too or she'll have to buy him out of it. She's also bought to other pieces of property, one she wanted to build a new home on and those will both have to be sold too.

Basically this is as good as over though he isn't expecting it to go smoothly by any means.

He's planning on taking over the finances for them now, when she's served. The money in their accounts will be documented that day, the day she's served. He's opened a new bank account in his name only at a new bank and he'll have his paychecks direct deposited into that account going forward. He'll still pay their bills, utilities, buy food etc. but she's not going to have her mad money any longer. She'll have a roof over her head, food, insurance etc. but no spending money really.

That will piss her off as she loves to shop and spend. He'll ask her what she NEEDS and he'll tell her she'll have food, a roof over her head and on and on. He will also tell her she needs to be saving money for when she's divorced.

She's always had a credit card in her name only, for decades and decades as they both wanted that, felt it was important for her to have her own credit, in her own name, in case he died at some point in their marriage so she'll have her credit card in her name only, that she rarely uses. He wants the other credit cards, the joint ones to be canceled. He's already applied for a new credit card for himself in his name only.

He knows he'll have to pay off the joint credit cards first (not an issue for them) and he'll have them set it up so no new purchases may be placed on those lines of credit, on those credit cards.

Again, she'll still have her own credit card and he's not going to deny her food, a roof over her head etc.

He just wants to shut down her WANTS and her trivial spending which isn't so trivially actually.

Their oldest two children will be ticked off with their mother. I think their youngest, the momma's boy, won't be. He won't be happy, but I doubt he'll turn on her. Their daughter will for sure and their oldest son is really similar in personality to his father.

Jeff told me that their oldest son would complain to him about his mother being so emotional and his complaining about that began a long time ago, like 2005 or 2006 or close to that, can't remember exactly what year Jeff said, but it's been an issue for their oldest child for a long time.

I plan to get more than a pound of flesh from her myself. She was so pious and righteous all those years ago when I (we) found out my first husband was cheating. Effing hypocrite.

She always wants to look good to others and I'm not talking about look now mind you. She wants to keep up with Joneses, she wants to "fit in". She insecure and emotional and her happy little life is going to go away.

She will have to start over in her mid-50's.

Jeff will be fine, he has a great job. He's hurting and he will be for quite some time obviously. I've told him to get to counseling and he's made an appointment already.


Thanks to all for your thoughts, advice etc. But we may stick a fork in this one.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

@A18S37K14H18 , Please ask Jeff to get in touch with the three credit bureau agencies (Equifax, Experian, Transunion) and freeze his credit. He needs to do that soon as he can after he's applied for the credit card that's in his name.

Freezing the credit will ensure that she won't be able to apply for a line of credit under his name. Based on what you've written here, she seem to be the type. It's better to be safe than sorry. 

Also, ask him to keep his credit frozen going forward. Whenever he needs to apply for a line of credit, he can unfreeze it for 48 hours and then freeze it right back. This way, she won't be successful, if she thinks that she'll wait for six months/a year before starting to mess with his credit. 

Also, ask him to look up the process and what is required to get a restraining order, because he may very well need it. 

He may need to carry a voice recorder on him AT ALL TIMES. So, that he can have a record pf every time she says something to him. He also may need to install a few security cameras inside and outside the house. Once she realizes that she's going to be losing HER house, she may think twice before doing things like trying to pour cement down the toilet, for instance among other things.

Her needing to start over in her mid-50's is her problem. Not Jeff's. IF she didn't want to do it, then she shouldn't have stumbled and fell on random d1cks. 

As for your pound of flesh, I'm sure you may have thought of many ways already, but if I may suggest, please consider blowing up her cheating far and wide, so that even the people from two subdivision over are aware of it. I'm exaggerating, but you get my point. 

I hope that Jeff finds a peace of mind and finds a partner who won't do such things to him.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Thanks for the update. Wow I never expected this from him based on your original description. It is actually great to see that you don't need to be the typical version of an Alpha in order to act with purpose and authority when the situation demands it. I am glad he had you to confide in. It would be interesting to know how the confrontation goes, but I must admit it would only be to stoke my own sense of justice at this point. I am sure he is in great pain, but it is apparent he will come through this as well as can be expected. Best wishes to him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I certainly hope that Jeff makes it clear to all the folks in the development and her clubs that she cheated so that SHE can't re-write the history that HE was a cheater or abusive.
Really sorry it worked out this way for him, but he is clear and decisive on his actions, and that bodes well for his long-term well being.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Wow, so this was much worse than originally thought. I knew from your original post that the gift was from her man and not someone who just kissed her but for it to have been a some POS going back almost 7 years is so F’d up. Here he is supporting his wife and paying for her to go to school so she could get her degree in I’m something special studies, and she’s betraying the father of her kids in such a ****ed up fashion.

I hope he blows up this POS’ world too. Expose his stbx far and wide to all family and friends including naming OM, so she can’t try to bring him into the picture later and say they met after the divorce. He’s lucky to have your guidance in this shi. show that she dropped in his lap after decades of marriage and raising 3 successful kids together. His jumping into action is in part to your advise to him. 

I still suggest you advise him to post his story here for direct help.


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