# Confused Newbie



## The Eve Of Lyn (Mar 18, 2013)

Hi everyone, I'm new to the group, but am so confused and have never been n this situation before, and I need an outsiders opinion......

Back when I was 17 or 18 (I'm now 54), I met and fell in love with a "bad boy", he was so handsome (he was the spitting image of Jax on sons of anarchy) and treated me like a queen and things were perfect..my mom didn't like him, but she never stopped us from seeing one another either..He wound up going to jail for 5 years and I went and saw him as much as I possibly could, but it was getting to be to much on me, so I stopped going and moved on the best that I could....When he got out of jail he immediately left the state to start over fresh, he had no clue where I was or what I was doing nor I him... I went back to our town looking for him, I even searched the judiciary records and inmate locator but to no avail...I must of looked for him for close to 20 years, even through 2 marriages and divorces, I continued to look for him.....I am now in a relationship of 10 years with a wonderful, handsome and loving man, (we are supposed to be getting married)...but I was still looking to this day, I recently I found my ex on a social networking site, and we sort of rekindled where we left off, but he lives 3 states away, he wants me to come spend the summer with him...my heart is telling me one thing, my brain, something else...I don't want to go into a marriage with guilt or regrets of not knowing what would of or could of been.....I've had my share of relationships, but not one that I went looking for them years later in life.....I love them both, but am scared of going with one and losing the other...I don't want to have my cake and eat it too, I just want to do whats best....do I follow my heart or my head????


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

How can you possibly love someone you haven't seen for 30 years? You have built up a fantasy in your mind but in truth the reality will probably be very different.
Stop cheating on your partner and forget about this guy. I see nothing but heartache for all if this continues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What do you know about the ex? 

What did he go to jail for 5 years for? Did he clean up his act?

Did he marry? divorce? does he have children?

Have you been able to verify the things he has told you?


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> How can you possibly love someone you haven't seen for 30 years? You have built up a fantasy in your mind but in truth the reality will probably be very different.
> Stop cheating on your partner and forget about this guy. I see nothing but heartache for all if this continues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see how time is flying by so I do not judge for still clinging to your memories of this man. But I cannot help but agree with the above poster. I'm sure he is a very different person than what you hold in your mind and I wouldn't count on much.

However I think you should go and meet him briefly and lay this fantasy to rest. This way you will go into this marriage fresh and ready to give your new husband your whole self. No regrets!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I am now in a relationship of 10 years with a wonderful, handsome and loving man, (we are supposed to be getting married)...*but I was still looking to this day*


This says it all to me. 

Your fiance deserves BETTER than to be your fall-back plan! 
He deserves better than 10 YEARS of you ACTIVELY seeking out this ex-bf!
He deserves better than to marry you and be gaslighted for YEARS about your true feelings for some other guy! (Please, go look up under the 'Community' listing at the top of the page a guy named "The Cro-Magnon" and read his story. He's the 'fiance' guy in YOUR story only he married the woman and she gaslighted him FOR YEARS. He is DEVASTATED.)
Have you done ANY WORK on yourself after the break-up of EITHER of your previous marriages? Do you know WHY they didn't work? Do you know what YOUR part in their demise was? Did you FIX your part?
You need to do honest hard work and self-reflection before marrying ANYBODY else (your fiance, ex-bf, totally new guy)!
If you TRULY don't want to be a cake-eater, and you TRULY don't want to go into this marriage with regrets of NOT KNOWING about this ex-bf and you, then *CALL OFF THE WEDDING*. GO SEE EX-BF THIS SUMMER (for a weekend, for a week, for the summer...your call). Figure it out ONCE AND FOR ALL.

The fact that you two have "rekindled" your relationship and that ex-bf presumably KNOWS that you have spent 10 YEARS with this man AND are ENGAGED to him, and yet ex-bf wants you to spend the summer with him SPEAKS VOLUMES. The fact that YOU are CONSIDERING it also SPEAKS VOLUMES. Your new budding relationship with ex-bf is extremely UNFAIR to your fiance.

Do the mature thing, please. End EVERYTHING with your fiance, go see ex-bf (you've already been trying to reach him during TWO PREVIOUS MARRIAGES), figure out what you want, and fix whatever needs fixing in you (maybe it's being involved with this ex-bf who IS the love of your life?!?) Go figure it out AS A SINGLE WOMAN.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but you are one very broken woman. You've been carrying this torch for a convicted felon for so long and it has already contributed to the breakdown of 2 of your marriages.

What type of future do you expect to have with someone who will have difficulty getting a job because of his previous jail time? Actually, I think you should spend the summer with him. It would be better to get out there, set your fiance free (God knows he deserves better than you) and complete your downward spiral.


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## The Eve Of Lyn (Mar 18, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your honest opinion...
I know I sound broken, but I'm far from that...a woman never forgets her "first" and when it's ended due to circumstances beyond both parties control, it's something that's hard to forget....my first marriage ended because we got married to young, the 2nd because he was abusive and I didn't sit by and take it......my ex went to jail for defending himself in a fight, he was jumped by 3 guys, and unfortunately for them, he got the best of them, so hence forth their pride got in the way and they called the police...he had been married and has 3 kids, all of whom are grown....as we all know, most relationships or marriages that end, have some type of closure to them, ours never did....I will probably never see the ex, but it felt good talking to him and strolling down memory lane...he has changed, as most of us did when we got older, but he is still the same caring person I knew back then....Even though his family has welcomed me back with open arms, it still doesn't mean we'll pick up where we left off.....ladies, we've all had that "first love" that you never really got over, but we move on and live life....again, thanks for the reality slap and your brutal honesty...I think reading your comments and the stroll down memory lane that he and I had gave me the closure I must have been looking for...I wish nothing but happiness and the best for my ex, he is still the loving person I knew back then, but your right, to much time has gone by.....


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Reverse this scenario in your mind:

Your fiance is longingly thinking of his first gf. Yes, he's engaged to you but he can't help but wonder, what might have happened.

So, he keeps looking and looking. He even makes contact with her (without telling you).

How do you feel about that? 

Don't start your marriage keeping secrets. Talk to your fiance about the 'old' bf, your conversations, keep it all in the open. After all, you have nothing to hide in a marriage, right?


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## The Eve Of Lyn (Mar 18, 2013)

Redhead, your right, we have nothing to hide, and the shoe was on the other foot a few years ago, and nothing became of it, it was more a curiosity of what she looked like and how she turned out, sad part is when we see a person we used to date when we were young, we take a hard look and think "what in the world did I see in him/her"....we all know, sometimes a persons curiosity can and does get the best of them, after all we're only human.....I had talked to him about the ex when we first got together, but not the full details of our past, nor should I have...like I said, after the long trip down memory lane and the helpful reality slap of you all...I now know all I needed was closure to move on


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## portabledorothy (Mar 19, 2013)

Like other posters, I feel like you're holding onto a mentality of how this ex-bf made you feel. 

Having gone through a similar thing, I understand. The "best" boyfriend (or so I thought) I ever had left me and for the next three years I had a string of relationships that I was extremely unsatisfied with because I always wondered "what if" with my ex. Finally I convinced him to get back with me. Turns out I just liked the way I felt and how he made me feel during that time, not really who he was. We weren't compatible, we burnt out really quickly and I realized I wasted the last 3 years of potentially nice men for this. 

I think we are also insanely romantic about the "what ifs" in our lives. Even if there was more evidence that it would have been a destructive decision. It sounds like it was amazing then and that you had great memories, but you're a different person and so is he. Love the man who loves you for who you are today, not who you were however many years ago.


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