# Don't know what to do



## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

I really need some input. Please help.
I am so unhappy. I wrote a while back about being pretty
much the breadwinner of the household. My husband works
only periodically but gets his retirement from the National Guard and doesn't contribute to the bills.
We are behind, and public utilities is threatening to shut off our
water(again)
With all this pressure, I have no one to really talk to. I wrote in earlier posts that I have pretty much lost most of my friends. I still have my friend that I have known for over 30 years, but I don't see her or hear from her often. She lives north of the state, almost to the border.
There is someone at work, who I know who has suggested going out for dinner some time. She is 40 with 3 kids. 
I like her, she's a nice person. But I haven't gone out of my way to be more of a friend to her. 
Its probably because of what has happened recently with other friends.
Not only that, my husband doesn't make it easy. When I would occasionally go out with friend(s) I could see the attitude shift in my husband. I could see it. I have been married to him for 25 years, and so Im not imagining it. He didn't like it. He didn't have to say it, I could see it on his face. No have a good time. No did you have a good time?
I am feeling lonely and isolated. I hate my life! 
Oh yeah, we got a truck 3 months ago after not having one for 
two years. The financing was based on MY score. They couldn't even find his. The truck is in both our names. He makes the payment, and keeps up the insurance, but its "his" truck. 
I have told him its my truck too, and I'll use it whenever I darned well please. I don't have to have his permission! That didn't sit well with him. He said "just like your scooter is yours, the truck is mine". Well, dumbass, do you have a indorsment on your license for a motorcycle? no?, no.
I have had her for as long as we have been married. Unforturatly she is in the repair shop. She is my salvation to be able to get out and about, and to and from work.
But, Im not going to ride in really nasty weather, tho I have done it.
Im so sorry this is so long winded, but I had to get it out of my system.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

My father is also like that when my mother goes out with friends. Actually we talked about that yesterday with her. She said she''s not enjoying her Birthday,because of his attitude/When she gets attention or has fun he gets nasty/ I told her he''s very abusive, and that she needs to be more verbal and not just be quiet and listen to what nasty thing he has to say. I don''t know if this is relevant to your situation...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Clearly you are unhappy with the current dynamic so you need to talk to him about it. 

Re: freinds--if he doesn't like to socialize, I don't see anything wrong with you meeting your co-worker gal pal for dinner or lunch one day. Humans need other humans for interaction.


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

He isn't verbally abusive, he just has this sulleness. When I lost
my friends, he didn't seem very sympathetic. 
When I do try to talk to him about things, he can get a bit defensive. When we went to marriage counseling, he said I would 
make mountains out of mole hills.
My mother has talked to me about my H. She thinks he is abusive. Not physically, but mentaly. I used to not think that because I was very happy and content with my marriage.
My father was abusive to my mom both physically and mentaly. So I don't know it she is being hyper sensitive about the situation.
She says she has observed over the years his treatment of me.
Our life at home is so boring! He is boring. Haven't had sex in who knows when. I don't want to because its the same old same old. doesn't care if we socialize or not. Dinner, Tv, bed. Thats our life in a nutshell.
Plus the weight of the past due bills. Sometimes I wish I could just leave.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Then before you try conseling, try to make a list/written/ of the things you want to change in the relationship. Try to be concrete and nice. If he doesn''t want to do it, you do it, hand it to him and try todiscuss it. If then he comes up with something, insist for him to write it down so that it won''t turn into fighting and pointing out.
That''s just an option...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You two aren't having sex primarily because you don't wish to?


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

We are not having sex because its the same old same old. Missionary or variation of. Plus he can't change positions without losing his erection. He can get off as long as its the above, or if I give him a bj. The minute we change positions, he loses it, and I have to try bj's to get it to come back. 
So, he's on top, does his thing, and thats it. He has got to be the most un imaginative lover I ever had.(and Im talking before marriage) ED? possible. Low T, thats possible too. Does he think anything is wrong, no. He refuses to see his doctor. I have given up on really good sex.
And standing there waggling his thang at me isn't going to get me going either. 
We go long periods without. The only times I have had sex with him is when I get really horny and want it BAD. But its a dissapointing experiance.


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

I loved being social. Getting together with my friends(they were once his too) I looked forward to get togethers and having fun. My friends are gone, my social life is gone. He got what he wanted. Me ALL to himself. He said thats not the case. That me losing my friends didn't have anything to do with him.
Maybe not, but making it difficult to be with my friends didn't help. Now I have nothing!


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

You are his meal ticket and he knows he sucks and takes you totally for granted so positive outside influences are a threat to his well being. Thats why he gets pissed when you go out. 

It sounds like depression, low t or ed. If he is introverted and you are extroverted it can be a chore for him to socialize because it drains him whereas you get energy from doing so. 

I would suggest you make arrangements to socialize because you need that for yourself and ask him if he would like to go a few times so he isnt hurt but follow thru even if he doesnt want to go. 

You also need to tell him specifically that he needs to put some energy unto your marriage for it to work and then give actionable specifics. 

1. Make an appointment to go see the doc today (what when)
2. Plan a date every other week (what when) 
3. Ask friends over every oppiste week for dinner (what when) 
4. Variety every other time you do the wild (what when)
5. Tell me have fun and smile when I have a chance to socialize (what when)

(What when) is an actionable expectation. Give it a try

Tell him you need this and give him the actionable program

Some men are real dopes and need it spelled out for them. If he fails, then turn up the heat.


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## sheann (Oct 14, 2011)

I understand completely about the ED, Low -T, loss of friends although my husband was the result of me loosing my friends. He said he wouldn't care if I went out with friends but, for days afterwards he would be trying to get me to tell him what we did or where we went. I never minded telling him but, it was just the way he would go about asking. 
It seems like your talking about me. My husband has gone to the doc for his problems and had his T tested and although it is low, according to the doc it isn't low enough. My husband is also on anti-depressants and even though that helps even out his mood it doesn't fix what was already broke with our relationship, he has also tried the different meds for ED but that didn't help. I feel your pain and I really wish I had something to tell you that would help.
We would have friends over or we would go out with friends, we would go to parties. All this stopped when he felt I was getting too close to my friends, we would eventually move and i would be friendless for quite sometime. I was never able to hold a job long enough to build a retirement or a savings, so I am totally dependant on him financially. So, yes I really wish I could help, all I can do is let you know your not alone.


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

I hate to say this, but I don't feel connected to my husband like I used to. I wish we could go to a marriage counselor again, but we just don't have the money, since Im the only one who is working consistantly in the household.
I really appreciate you guys listening. It helps.
I took an online depression screen, and I have a pretty low score. It doesn't fit the parameters of depression. 
I made sure I was being honest with myself when answering the questions. Im just really really sad, but not depressed. I eat well, sleep well, don't want to off myself, still like to do certain things etc etc. Have you ever just wanted to run away? Thats how I feel. Go somewere and start over again. Thats not my reality tho.


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

You know what? If it weren't for being so broke, I would be so out of here.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

You have an introvert on your hands. I am also a social butterfly married to an introvert and it does get rather boring. Thankfully, we have learned to manage our differences.

It is all about compromise in our case. My husband will attend some social events if I allow him quiet time. He has become a better conversationalist and I have learned to respect his introversion.


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