# PMT - Time of the month - Never seen moods like it!



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

As from my other posts, wife and I have issues from time to time. Worked out that a lot of problems occurs around that one time a month.

Bit of background. Both in our 40s. Two kids inc a 2 yr old. Married 20 years. Wife suffers from a chronic illness - fibromyalgia.

Anyway, at this time, its like living with a different person entirely. Sometimes like a wild animal. This weekend appears to be one such time.

Her patience is about a millisecond with anything. Everything and everyone in the entire world seems to irritate her immediately. Also, it seems to be she thinks now is a good time to discuss things like what I do wrong.

So far today we've had screaming tantrum and tears because "this house is such a mess". Apparently, my fault.

Worse of all which really winds me up is her lack of respect and basic manners. She seems to think its ok to speak to me (and everyone) how she wants.

She can be anything from a little abrupt to rude, ignorant, ungrateful, all the way downright nasty. Its as if all filters are off and she can say what she wants. Like I said this annnoys.

Today we talked about parts we needed to order for the kitchen we're doing up. All I did was clarify how she wanted it and I got shouted at that I never listen and I've told you 100 times before! Really rude.

Then later when I offered to do something to help her out she said just shouted "NO ITS DONE!". Rude. 

OK, I don't handle this the best. But I find bad behaviour, especially rudeness, and lack of respect hard to handle. Maybe I should suck this up and let it go to a certain extent.

Sure shes always been like this a bit but maybe its getting worse. Her illness is from the last 2 years so this doesn't help along with a hard to deal with toddler.

Not looking for advice like ditch her - its 20 years married I want to solve the problem not get rid of it. More like what I can maybe do to sort it out or deal with it in my own head.

Mate of mines got it cracked. If his partners kicks off (shes got a habit of not speaking for days) he just goes down the pub and it doesnt bother him. I tend to worry about it though.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You have to learn Active Listening, man.

And don't take her emotions personally.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Bob, this could help:


_"One of the core beliefs you must have if you want to succeed in both relationships and life is to be comfortable in your own skin.

This also means that you must have 10 inches of thick, steel skin. *Words and insults should bounce right off you and over your shoulder.* You can’t be affected by the opinions and words of others.

When you begin to understand this mindset, you’ll see how powerful it really is. All of the most powerful people who have ever lived have had thick skin.

*The opinions of others, even their romantic partners, just doesn’t change who they are. It doesn’t throw them off course*."_


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> As from my other posts, wife and I have issues from time to time. Worked out that a lot of problems occurs around that one time a month.
> 
> Bit of background. Both in our 40s. Two kids inc a 2 yr old. Married 20 years. Wife suffers from a chronic illness - fibromyalgia.
> 
> ...


A 2 year old, redoing the kitchen and in pain all day, no wonder she is in a bad mood.

It is hard, but the last thing I would do is being defensive. You probably cannot please her at this time, but you can listen to her. Search continuously on how to help her. Try to be creative, but do not take her moods personally. It is not about you. She is just overwhelmed right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I know this won't be the popular opinion of many, but an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication can help immensely with this.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> As from my other posts, wife and I have issues from time to time. Worked out that a lot of problems occurs around that one time a month.
> 
> Bit of background. Both in our 40s. Two kids inc a 2 yr old. Married 20 years. Wife suffers from a chronic illness - fibromyalgia.
> 
> ...


Problem is with no consequence to action she has zero reason to change. So to my mind the best you can do when she acts like this is just keep telling yourself, well I'm not leaving, shrug your shoulders and walk away I guess. This is your choice to to make.

The real bummer is you have kids. They are watching you and her to see how they expect to treat and be treated by thier future spouses.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, you would do well to stop hearing blame when she is venting.

When this happens, it is not about you. It is about her, and trying to deal with discomfort. 

It doesn't make it okay per se, but that will help you better understand why it is happening, and in turn, deal with it better.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

She probably has PMDD, it's not very fun to go through or to have to witness. It's like PMS on steroids. My wife actually gets physically violent and hits me when she's on one of these episodes. You can use google for more information. 

One thing that works great with my wife, if she'll take it, is a tablespoon of raw apple cider vinegar with mother, every day, sometimes two tablespoons. We use the Braggs brand. You can mix it with 8 to 12oz of warm water and a tablespoon or two of honey to taste. I also mix one tablespoon of apple cider vinegar to 5 tablespoons of apple juice. 

It's not the best tasting in the world, but it really works, see if you can get her to try it for a few weeks. Very good medicine, I'd recommend anyone to take it daily, I do and it works great for aches, pains, bruising, swelling and a host of other benefits.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

jld said:


> Bob, this could help:
> 
> 
> _"One of the core beliefs you must have if you want to succeed in both relationships and life is to be comfortable in your own skin.
> ...


Thanks- wheres that from?


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Duguesclin said:


> A 2 year old, redoing the kitchen and in pain all day, no wonder she is in a bad mood.
> 
> It is hard, but the last thing I would do is being defensive. You probably cannot please her at this time, but you can listen to her. Search continuously on how to help her. Try to be creative, but do not take her moods personally. It is not about you. She is just overwhelmed right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fair point. Back of my mind I know this... but still I dont understand how she can behave THIS badly.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Slow Hand said:


> She probably has PMDD, it's not very fun to go through or to have to witness. It's like PMS on steroids. My wife actually gets physically violent and hits me when she's on one of these episodes. You can use google for more information.


Jeez. Thats awful. Never heard of it.

You're a better man than me being able to put up with it - but I guess its something that is affecting her so not really her 'fault' as such.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Thanks- wheres that from?


https://www.reignitethefire.net/borderline-ex-stopped-communicating-what-should-you-do/


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Pain makes people aggressive and mean.

Take it from an MS patient. I have to check myself often in order not to take my MS pain out on others.

Pain changes people. Is she on gabapebtin or neurotin for her fibro pain? Either of those two meds work well for fibro patients because fibro is a peripheral nerve disease.

PMS can heighten or exacerbate fibro pain. It's a whole body pain that throbs with a deep ache that can radiate through the body with a whole host of other symptoms as well.

Get to know your wife's disease top to bottom and inside out. It will help you understand why she deteriorates at times.

Words like "I see you are having a rough moment, I'll give you a bit of time to collect yourself before we talk" might help curb some of the verbal abuse.

Mind you, just because she is in a heightened pain level doesn't give her the right to verbally, emotionally or mentally (and physically) abuse anyone around her.

Sounds like she is very frustrated with her disease and you are very frustrated with her lashing out. Maybe it's time to consider medications or adjustments to current medications if she is taking any.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

bob1471 said:


> Jeez. Thats awful. Never heard of it.
> 
> You're a better man than me being able to put up with it - but I guess its something that is affecting her so not really her 'fault' as such.


Bob, 10+ years ago, I suffered from PMDD when my youngest was 2. It was AWFUL. For 2 full weeks out of the month I'd be a complete mess. Completely overwhelmed with my life (which was good then, we had just built a beautiful home, I was a SAHM, lots of new friends, etc.). 

It manifested in me by getting really overwhelmed and short tempered about little things. For instance, if I had just cleaned up the house and then remembered I still had the litter box to clean, I'd break down crying. I'd snap at the kids, especially my difficult 2 year old. I cried. I cried a ALOT. Sometimes I'd be in my bedroom for hours at a time, just crying, feeling more guilty and more guilty over how I felt as I overlooked my beautiful new neighborhood and knew how lucky I was. Thought about my two healthy kids and felt so ungrateful. 

I really felt like I was out of control. Looking back, and now that I'm in therapy now and my therapist thinks I could have a touch of OCD (because of how I obsess about things in my head/my thoughts), maybe my whacked out hormones made my OCD (if I have it) go into overdrive, and the "chaos" of my life as a SAHM of toddlers was just too much. I don't know.

But, I do know I took hold of the problem. For me, it was so clearly related to the time of the month from ovulation to my period. I went to the dr. and she diagnosed me with PMDD and gave me a drug called Sarafem, which is basically Prozac, but you can take it only 2 weeks a month if you wish. Or you can take it all the time if you think you can't keep track. 

It changed my life. All of my symptoms went away. My husband (at the time) was incredibly relieved and grateful and was so glad I took that step. (Years later he'd ridicule me for needing "drugs" but that's a whole 'nother story.....and now HE is on "drugs," go figure.) 

I was on it for 2 years and then slowly weaned off and I never had PMDD again. PMS, yes. But not PMDD. 

Now, as I got older I found myself becoming "that way" more regularly with my shifting hormones of peri-menipause and it manifests as anxiety over things that would not cause most people anxiety. And some things that would. I've been through a really rough couple of years. So now I take Zoloft for that. I've tried a few times to wean off, but I'm just a more level-headed person with it. I take a very low dose, but I'm not ashamed of it. I have anxiety. That's ok with me.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Mate of mines got it cracked. If his partners kicks off (shes got a habit of not speaking for days) he just goes down the pub and it doesnt bother him. I tend to worry about it though.


This is essential. Others have given you good advice on how to have thicker skin and how to help her control her behavior. I'm not posting to contradict that, but to add to it.

Treat yourself better. If you are a gym-goer, then make an extra trip when she is being insufferable (long term, exercise is a better stress reliever than alcohol). If you want to go to the pub, though, I won't tell you not to. If you need or want to keep your kids with you, go to a playground. She might even appreciate getting a break like that, but no guarantees.

Forcing yourself to sit there and take her sh1t will make you resent her. As she is lashing out and behaving poorly, you're compensating by trying to play the punching bag and behaving extra well. Make sure you get a few hours away from her to refresh yourself.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I have seen enough on this thread to convince me that many of the women mentioned here would be arrested for spousal abuse if they were men....

Imagine telling a woman with a verbally abusive husband "You must have 10 inches of thick, steel skin. Words and insults should bounce right off you and over your shoulder." 

Or "do not take his moods personally. It is not about you. he is just overwhelmed right now."

And again..."My husband actually gets physically violent and hits me when he's on one of these episodes." 

My wife was suffering from depression, and there were some days when the "F" bomb was the nicest thing she said to me all day....I remember one incident where I only carried 4 of the 5 bags of trash down, because the were not all in the same place...when I suggested she put them all in one location I got 5 "F" bombs in a row, punctuated with an upraised middle finger salute between each one.....

Yes, the gentle sex can sometimes be "Not so gentle"....

My wife is much better now...At least now I get an occasional apology....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> I have seen enough on this thread to convince me that many of the women mentioned here would be arrested for spousal abuse if they were men....
> 
> Imagine telling a woman with a verbally abusive husband "You must have 10 inches of thick, steel skin. Words and insults should bounce right off you and over your shoulder."
> 
> ...


Excellent points.

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

People get away with exactly what you allow them to. They will push and push and push you until you say "that's enough". Sometimes you putting your foot down comes a few years too late, and your words carry zero weight behind them. You're a pushover and she knows it. So, your actions have to do the talking. Put your foot down on last time.. and then take action.

She's a big girl and needs to learn that her actions and words have consequences. No amount of stress or fibro or whatever hell other disorder she may have excuses poor behavior like that towards her loved one. She has to learn to stop, take a moment, and process and cope on her own. That's what adults do.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

dadstartingover.com said:


> People get away with exactly what you allow them to. They will push and push and push you until you say "that's enough". Sometimes you putting your foot down comes a few years too late, and your words carry zero weight behind them. You're a pushover and she knows it. So, your actions have to do the talking. Put your foot down on last time.. and then take action.
> 
> She's a big girl and needs to learn that her actions and words have consequences. No amount of stress or fibro or whatever hell other disorder she may have excuses poor behavior like that towards her loved one. She has to learn to stop, take a moment, and process and *cope on her own.* That's what adults do.


If she can succeed at that, she might find she does not need Bob.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

jld said:


> If she can succeed at that, she might find she does not need Bob.


Good. One less toxic codependent relationship.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

CantePe said:


> Pain makes people aggressive and mean.
> 
> Take it from an MS patient. I have to check myself often in order not to take my MS pain out on others.
> 
> ...


Yep she takes gabapentin and one AD. Not sure which. Along with a whole host of painkillers inc codeine.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

ExiledBayStater said:


> This is essential. Others have given you good advice on how to have thicker skin and how to help her control her behavior. I'm not posting to contradict that, but to add to it.
> 
> Treat yourself better. If you are a gym-goer, then make an extra trip when she is being insufferable (long term, exercise is a better stress reliever than alcohol). If you want to go to the pub, though, I won't tell you not to. If you need or want to keep your kids with you, go to a playground. She might even appreciate getting a break like that, but no guarantees.
> 
> Forcing yourself to sit there and take her sh1t will make you resent her. As she is lashing out and behaving poorly, you're compensating by trying to play the punching bag and behaving extra well. Make sure you get a few hours away from her to refresh yourself.


Sounds like a plan


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> I have seen enough on this thread to convince me that many of the women mentioned here would be arrested for spousal abuse if they were men....
> 
> Imagine telling a woman with a verbally abusive husband "You must have 10 inches of thick, steel skin. Words and insults should bounce right off you and over your shoulder."
> 
> ...


Wow. I must admit some of these stories are way worse than my wife ever is which is something.... Not saying I've not had times where shes lost if over something stupid like this.

I don't think I'd have the temprament to deal with that. Not that you should have to deal with it but still.

I find myself getting wound up because shes getting wound up for no reason. I just want a quiet life and it annoys me if shes kicking off over something so stupid.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

dadstartingover.com said:


> People get away with exactly what you allow them to. They will push and push and push you until you say "that's enough". Sometimes you putting your foot down comes a few years too late, and your words carry zero weight behind them. You're a pushover and she knows it. So, your actions have to do the talking. Put your foot down on last time.. and then take action.
> 
> She's a big girl and needs to learn that her actions and words have consequences. No amount of stress or fibro or whatever hell other disorder she may have excuses poor behavior like that towards her loved one. She has to learn to stop, take a moment, and process and cope on her own. That's what adults do.


Fair opinion. No really- its nice to hear a different opinion too. That is of course one way to say it and you have a good point I think....

BUT thats maybe where sometimes issues occur in our relationship maybe. I agree with you - be like an adult, do things right and then I won't let it go. It annoys me that shes being this way.

Strictly speaking right of course. If she doesnt see this then thats her problem.

But all well and good a few months into a relationship. Dump her and start again. Not 20+ years and 2 kids. All well and good being right but then there are consequences of this. I'd rather fix things if I can or at least get thinks working to a certain extent.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

bob1471 said:


> Fair opinion. No really- its nice to hear a different opinion too. That is of course one way to say it and you have a good point I think....
> 
> BUT thats maybe where sometimes issues occur in our relationship maybe. I agree with you - be like an adult, do things right and then I won't let it go. It annoys me that shes being this way.
> 
> ...


I get it. You are letting your "honor" as a man allow you to put up with actions that go against your best interest. You're using the classic sunk cost fallacy of "hey, I've been in this relationship THIS long, might as well give it a shot". One day you'll wake up and say "What in the sam hell was I thinking?!" 

Good luck, my friend.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Fair opinion. No really- its nice to hear a different opinion too. That is of course one way to say it and you have a good point I think....
> 
> BUT thats maybe where sometimes issues occur in our relationship maybe. I agree with you - be like an adult, do things right and then I won't let it go. It annoys me that shes being this way.
> 
> ...


Don't bother engaging someone promoting a website dedicated to a decision you've already ruled out.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Have I missed something? Website?


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

dadstartingover.com said:


> bob1471 said:
> 
> 
> > Fair opinion. No really- its nice to hear a different opinion too. That is of course one way to say it and you have a good point I think....
> ...


Honor nope. Practicalities maybe.

I might be spot on right. But I could end up spot on right sitting in my bedsit skint not seeing my kids. 

I see your point. There is a time. It's just I'd rather try and sort and this be last resort. 

IMHO separation/ divorce would be a poor option for all.


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## CrazyX2 (Feb 26, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> As from my other posts, wife and I have issues from time to time. Worked out that a lot of problems occurs around that one time a month.
> 
> Bit of background. Both in our 40s. Two kids inc a 2 yr old. Married 20 years. Wife suffers from a chronic illness - fibromyalgia.
> 
> ...


I think I have some advice that at could help you. I have a sister who has terrible time with her hormones. She's irritable and miserable and ***** and doesn't know what to do with herself. Everyday things are unbelievably frustrating and overwhelming. Her husband once came home to a smashed toaster on the balcony. Her explanation was "PMS happened to the toaster."

I've never heard her complain about the everyday things when the PMS comes up in conversation. You know what she wants? A menstrual hut in the front yard. She wants to step away for a few days so she doesn't drive herself and the people around her crazy.

DH and I used this concept to help manage his bipolar irritability/verbal abuse/rage episodes. He is a completely different person during an episode, and if I take things personally and engage him, he gets mean and verbally abusive. I had to realize that it was the disease talking and the worst thing I could do would be to chase him down the rabbit hole trying to make things "better." I had to disengage and be supportive of the person suffering instead of engaging the disease in discussion/debate. BUT what really helped, was to prepare for future episodes. We gave him a small room with all his books, etc. and a pallet on the floor if he needed to crash. It's his private space for when he is feeling irritable. Now instead of trying function and becoming more irritable when he is having a mood episode, he can go be in his own space and convalesce for a while. We call it his man-strual hut.

I suggest you support your wife by giving her a space in the house that she can use as a getaway spot. It doesn't have to be a whole room, just a place where she can just relax and not interact with anyone. It might be hard for her to allow herself to take a break and rest. Encourage her to use her designated space and tell her not to feel guilty about taking a break. Take care of the kids or go do an activity. She needs space and permission to take a break.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jld said:


> You have to learn Active Listening, man.
> 
> And don't take her emotions personally.


Yeah. 

You need to shut the fvck up and do as you are told. Don't question, don't argue, don't stand up for yourself, just accept the fact that you, as a male, are inherently wrong because you are a male, and that your only function in the marriage is to be a punching bag and donate sperm....

...and do the dishes. 

It is your job to take her abuse, so suck it up and quit whining. :nono:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Man-strual hut?


Oh brother.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> As from my other posts, wife and I have issues from time to time. Worked out that a lot of problems occurs around that one time a month.
> 
> Bit of background. Both in our 40s. Two kids inc a 2 yr old. Married 20 years. Wife suffers from a chronic illness - fibromyalgia.
> 
> ...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> Yep she takes gabapentin and one AD. Not sure which. Along with a whole host of painkillers inc codeine.


That's quite a c0cktail she's taking there, OP. 



I was prescribed Gabapentin and the side effects were far worse than the excruciating pain for which it was prescribed.

ADs can reach a stage where they stop working and can actually make you feel ten times worse than the actual depression for which you started taking them.

I've been taking Codeine based meds for some time now, but I'm trying to cut them out completely because I believe they affect my mood.

I really think your W needs to see her doc, OP.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Have I missed something? Website?


The username of the person you were answering is the domain of a blog (even includes .com), also printed and linked in his signature. I don't suggest following the link, but it gives you a good idea of where he is coming from, which is very different from where you are coming from.


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## CrazyX2 (Feb 26, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Man-strual hut?
> 
> 
> Oh brother.


Lol. It's a man cave. I jokingly call it a manstrual hut because he uses it for mood episodes. These mood episodes can become nightmarish if we don't manage them properly. The ability for him to isolate himself has helped immensely.

Look, I know that many women get away with treating their husbands like they are sub-human. I know that our society tends to let women get away with being abusive. But here we are talking about mood illnesses (both hormonal and psychological). She's not deciding to be hormonal, and she's not trying to be a b1tch to you. BUT, you don't have to put up with mistreatment, or walk on eggshells. That's not fair to you, either. You both need to agree on a plan for future episodes so that she doesn't get too agitated and you don't get resentful. That's why I suggested you both set aside a space in the house that she can go to be alone, avoid overstimulation, and leave the rest of the family in peace.


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## CrazyX2 (Feb 26, 2014)

Cosmos said:


> That's quite a c0cktail she's taking there, OP.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Agreed. And you might want to go to a psych doc and an endocrinologist, too. She might have hormone imbalances or even thyroid issues. There are better medicines for fibro, I believe, and it's entirely possible her AD crapped out. She should also manage her stress. Fibro is strongly correlated with depression, and mental illness can make hormonal mood swings much, much worse. Chronic stress can exacerbate (or even trigger) all three of these.

There are other things she can do to balance her hormones if she wants to try the non-medication route for the PMT. Lots of books out there on this very topic. The one the helped me was called "Woman Code." Yeah, the title is embarrassingly stupid and the author can be over the top, but there is useful information in there about balancing hormones through diet, exercise, and other lifestyle changes. It also talks about structuring your life around the natural flow of your hormones so that your life isn't at war with your menstrual cycle.

(That reminds me, and I don't remember if you mentioned it- is she on birth control pills or any other kind of hormonal birth control? Some of those can make you really nuts.)

No matter what route she goes, she is still responsible for her behavior, and that means taking responsibility for managing her health issues and hormones when she isn't all hormonal and ragey. She knows that it will happen again, so she needs to be proactive to protect her family.

YOU, OP, still have the right to protect yourself and draw boundaries, sickness or no sickness. You can detach. It's not rolling over and taking it- it's refusing to engage in disrespectful/crazy/hormonal comments. You can also just tell her not to speak to you that way and end the conversation. This will help her see her behavior as a problem- her problem -and force her to get help. Don't try to negotiate or rationalize with her because that will escalate things. Address the underlying issue when she is calmer. 

And while you are sorting this stuff out, having a designated spot in the house she can go be by herself, even if just a corner with a relaxing chair, will be invaluable. Call it a mom cave.


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## BabyBear01 (Dec 2, 2015)

She should have her hormones checked. Sounds like PMDD. I too have this, but also discovered with lots of time in-between, that I suffer also from ADD. First, OBGYN hormone check, then therapy. Good Luck!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> I have seen enough on this thread to convince me that many of the women mentioned here would be arrested for spousal abuse if they were men....
> 
> Imagine telling a woman with a verbally abusive husband "You must have 10 inches of thick, steel skin. Words and insults should bounce right off you and over your shoulder."
> 
> ...


^^This.

I can't believe the number of posts basically telling him to go along to get along, and suck it up!

Yes she is in pain, hormonal and tired/emotional. She may not be able to help herself in the moment, but she needs to own her sh!t, apologise to her poor husband and do anything and everything she can to get this under control.

If the situation was reversed, people would be telling her to leave her "abusive" husband.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

fybro and the meds that go with it make the situation hard. If you read some of my early posts my marriage was almost over and I knew her behavior was "not normal" for her, but it took me and several other people telling her to "wake her up". You are not obligated to put up with however. I understand you want to stick it out, but prepare for the alternative none the less. My wife just broke into year five of her medical scenario and we have had some extremely hard times. She too still has the swings you describe, and you will most likely be the primary target by virtue of being around the most. Just tonight she had a little melt down and told me I didn't know how to make a bed. In a calm and even tone I told her that was goof and unwarranted, she calmed down. Other times it sets her off more. My main point in sharing this is you are smart to account for her disease and the meds, in being more forgiving but you may also be the only one who can help her realize she may need counseling and while you support her you won't be her punching bag because she as handed a raw deal in the health department.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

jld said:


> You have to learn Active Listening, man.
> 
> And don't take her emotions personally.


This is nonsensical advice, a man shouldn't have to be his wife's emotional whipping post because she can't handle her anger or emotions, anymore than a woman needs to bear the brunt of her husbands anger, aggravation, condescension etc...


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

On one hand people can be impatient because something is draining their strength and they are a little short on self-control. That is understandable as long as it doesn't become abusive, physically or emotionally.

On the other hand, people can pick fights because it is perversely comforting. Nobody, male or female, should give or recieve that. There are pain management strategies and stress management strategies that are better than bullying one's spouse.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

McDean said:


> fybro and the meds that go with it make the situation hard. If you read some of my early posts my marriage was almost over and I knew her behavior was "not normal" for her, but it took me and several other people telling her to "wake her up". You are not obligated to put up with however. I understand you want to stick it out, but prepare for the alternative none the less. My wife just broke into year five of her medical scenario and we have had some extremely hard times. She too still has the swings you describe, and you will most likely be the primary target by virtue of being around the most. Just tonight she had a little melt down and told me I didn't know how to make a bed. In a calm and even tone I told her that was goof and unwarranted, she calmed down. Other times it sets her off more. My main point in sharing this is you are smart to account for her disease and the meds, in being more forgiving but you may also be the only one who can help her realize she may need counseling and while you support her you won't be her punching bag because she as handed a raw deal in the health department.


Yeh I can see your point. I try to make allowances but its tough.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Yep somethings not quite right. Shes always been a little volatile but more recently its just been insane. Some of the things she comes up with are just nuts.

Last night for example. She was tired and in pain I could see. Our 12 year old had been playing up - we're having a hard time with his behaviour at the moment. I knew it was about to go off no matter what - which is a bit sad.

Innocently, I said (exact words) - "Anyway, do you like my new hair cut?". 

That was it. She said she'd already commented on it, and now I was bringing it up and having a go at her because I felt she hadn't noticed.

I was a bit shocked I must admit because it was just a comment. I was calm and said no I didnt mean anything at all by it.

She got worse so I told her to calm down and stop causing an argument for the sake of it. Then she accused me of saying comments to start and now trying to back down from it because shes exploded. In the end, I walked away.

This sort of thing, I must admit, scares me because its just completely nuts and irrational.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

One problem is she wont go back to the doc to get her meds reviewed. I think shes getting worse. She could try higher dose, different drug, more ADs etc but she won't. I dont understand it - if it was me I'd be knocking down their door.

She seems to be willing to put up with it, then just get in a bad mood and take it out on everyone else - doesnt seem to bother her.

I've tried to be nice about it and explain that I don't think things are right and maybe it'd be an idea. BUT, she just won't. Says this is it and shes got to put up with it. Makes no sense to me.

Mind you, shes 43 years of age now. I'm wondering if its menopause also causing issues maybe? 
Pretty sure its all going on every month but not much knowledge of how this all works.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I was just about to suggest peri-menopause. I know I've read some women here have said it's quite the rollercoaster complete with episodes of severe anger, frustration, sometimes loathing their husbands - but it's all hormonal. At 47 I'm VERY fortunate that I've never had such issues beyond being a bit more teary and some minor physical discomfort.

I really think when she's in a listening mode that it's a good idea to keep trying to sit her down and say "Honey, I'm doing this for your own good. I love you and you are obviously not feeling well and it's taking a toll on both of us. And there's something you can DO about it. Please make an appointment. I'll do it for you if you want me to. I'll go with you if you want me to. There's no need to be so miserable so much of the time."

Yes, she's in pain, energy spent, stretched to her limit. But body chemistry changes. Meds/doses that used to work don't necessarily keep working. And it's no excuse to be horrid to the people you love. She needs to learn to cope - counseling, yoga, dietary changes... whatever helps. 

I don't think women should use hormones as an excuse to be a complete wench. There are ways to help.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah.
> 
> You need to shut the fvck up and do as you are told. Don't question, don't argue, don't stand up for yourself, just accept the fact that you, as a male, are inherently wrong because you are a male, and that your only function in the marriage is to be a punching bag and donate sperm....
> 
> ...


Hmmm. Thats helpful :scratchhead:


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> That's quite a c0cktail she's taking there, OP.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Didnt know Codeine affected mood? Whoa she takes stacks of the stuff for pain....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Yep somethings not quite right. Shes always been a little volatile but more recently its just been insane. Some of the things she comes up with are just nuts.
> 
> Last night for example. She was tired and in pain I could see. Our 12 year old had been playing up - we're having a hard time with his behaviour at the moment. I knew it was about to go off no matter what - which is a bit sad.
> 
> ...


Why would you seek attention from her at a time when you knew she did not have any energy to give you?


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