# Help, I just cheated on my wife



## Frusterated1 (Nov 30, 2012)

Quick background -- 

We are both 26 years old. Have been married just under 1 year. While we were dating, we were having lots of sex, and I was getting lots of blowjobs. I regularly do down on her too. She is always very satisfied sexually. Long story short, everything was good. 

Now we have been married almost 1 year, and I feel like I have to beg her to have sex, she is never in the mood, and I very rarely get blowjobs anymore, and when I do (maybe 1 or 2 times a month) I feel she is not into it, and its just not good.

I have talked about it with her but every time I do she gets mad and it feels like I am bothering her now. I've pretty much given up trying.

A few days ago, I cheated on my wife with a friend of mine. It was a one time thing. 

2 days later I cheated on her again with another girl I know. This will probably turn out to be an ongoing thing. I feel horrible about it, but this other women satisfies me in the ways my wife pretty much refuses to do now.

I actually feel happier that I am getting my sexual needs met, but obviously bad about cheating.

I need some help of advice on what to do. I am not a fan of cheating, and I have made every effort I believe on my part with my wife who just plain doesn't feel like it anymore I guess.

I don't want to continue cheating on her, but I am not sure what I am supposed to do to get my needs met, I have already discussed this with my wife many times, always ending in a big fight. I bring it up rationally, she is the one that makes it into a fight.

Please help, I feel conflicted.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Duck!


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

You made your decision, you're not conflicted, you're just not man enough to follow through with what you started; divorce.

T
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

good on ya...uve done what I havent been able to do in five years...a mans got his needs..sometimes it seems like
women need all the stars to align perfectly to give a man his needs..thats bs..
its not like women are perfect yet we still do whatever we can to please em..

good for u dude...if the chic that im after would do things with me despite me bein married i would
probably do the same as u...not sure yet..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Be a real man.

Divorce your wife... there's a reason she doesn't want to have sex with you (there always is)... probably because your a jerk.... but who knows instead of finding out why and fixing your marriage you've taken the cowards way out.

Shame on you.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Cheated twice, with two different women in a week & all you feel is conflicted? 
Forget being conflicted, just divorce your wife already.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

waiwera said:


> Be a real man.
> 
> Divorce your wife... there's a reason she doesn't want to have sex with you (there always is)... probably because your a jerk.... but who knows instead of finding out why and fixing your marriage you've taken the cowards way out.
> 
> Shame on you.


ok seriously cmon dude..if a woman isnt into sex it sucks bigtime...it doesnt matter wether you become
the freakin mother ****er of all the trades around the house and treat her like a princess..non of that
**** will make her be a BJ goddess...it will only frustrate u further because once u try being the best
husband.u can be it is only human to expect to get somethin in return from wifey..

Speaking from a guys perspective...all my woman needs to be good at is Sex...Communicating...and takin care of herself while feelin
good About herself....
everything else is just mutual..

This man cheated on his wife..millions of men stay married...masturbate in the bathrom
before joining their unfullfiling wife in the bed later at night...
Who are the real cowards?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> Duck!


Ha!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

OP, I hope you didn't have children... If so, shame on you for not trying harder...

But if you don't had children, congrats, you got a taste of what it's like to have a woman desire you again. Now do the right thing and end your marriage... It's been over IMO don't know what you're waiting for... Don't be one of those guys... Don't look back and do the right thing.

Yo should have divorced first, but you don't have to miss work just because you're going to be late to your job. Just get divorced now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I call bull on you trying everything you could OP. Cheating is indeed the cowards way out. You have already blameshifted things onto your wife and played the victim role just from your first post. Yes men have needs but so do women. Despite what some here are saying women do not need all the stars aligned just so in order to have sex. If one wishes to go that route one may as well say men have to have all the stars aligned just so they can consider fulfilling thier womans needs. 

You stabbed your wife in the back so to speak twice already. Have you tried to go to MC? When you talk to you wife about sex how does the conversation go? Do you honestly talk reasonably or do you blameshift onto her and play the victim? Clearly something changed for her to have an aversion to sex. Do you still treat her the way you did before you both married? 

Another thing. I suggest you tell your wife about your cheating and see where it goes from there. If you want to go around screwing other women to satisfy your own selfish needs then perhaps you may be better off single. Let your wife find a man who can actually respect her because you sure arent with your cheating. 

Think of it this way. How would you feel if she decided to ride someone elses penis? Visualize that for a moment. I do hope you can work things out with your wife and I hope you can figure out what you truly want. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Frusterated1 said:


> I am not a fan of cheating


:lol: Twice in ONE WEEK??? Really?



Frusterated1 said:


> I don't want to continue cheating on her


Yes you do.

Advice: *Grow a set and set her free* ...and yourself. 

You're obviously not suited for marriage. Don't feel bad ...without guys like you, who would populate all those singles dives?


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> ok seriously cmon dude..if a woman isnt into sex it sucks bigtime...it doesnt matter wether you become
> the freakin mother ****er of all the trades around the house and treat her like a princess..non of that
> **** will make her be a BJ goddess...it will only frustrate u further because once u try being the best
> husband.u can be it is only human to expect to get somethin in return from wifey..
> ...


Wow, just wow. You are awfully jaded. This dude appears to have made little to no effort to discover why his sex life has started decreasing. Seems like is wife is still having sex with him. Just not the frequency he desires. He has been married a year. There is no way that he has taken the necessary steps to figure out any of the real issues.

The issues could be all on her. They may not be either. My point is no effort was made to take this marriage seriously from he cheaters part. He instead took the easy way out and is sleeping around behind his wife's back.

Make the effort. If your spouse doesn't respond than the problem is on her. Instead you felt sorry for yourself and betrayed the one person you promised not to.

Your actions lay the blame all at your feet, not your wife's.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

What goes around comes around. Hopefully your wife is getting it elsewhere also, so when she finds out she you both can dissolve your marriage amicably.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Agree with most others here:

She not putting out

You're stepping out

The two of you should get out!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

in cartoons when someone gets whacked on the head with a frying pan they get amnesia and the cure is to whack them again with the frying pan

unfortunately in real life these sort of methods don't work, adding pain to pain is only going to add more pain


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

marriedguy said:


> ok seriously cmon dude..if a woman isnt into sex it sucks bigtime...it doesnt matter wether you become
> the freakin mother ****er of all the trades around the house and treat her like a princess..non of that
> **** will make her be a BJ goddess...it will only frustrate u further because once u try being the best
> husband.u can be it is only human to expect to get somethin in return from wifey..
> ...


Funny, I'd say there are plenty of women who are lamenting the fact that their husbands aren't into sex... or are less into it than they are. And yet, the same advice applies... if you want sex with someone other than your wife, divorce. Who are the real cowards? The cheaters. The ones who actually follow through with the thoughts in their heads, without REALLY attempting to fix things with their spouses. No, I don't think ALL of the sexless, or nearly sexless, marriages have that problem: not really trying. But to be cheating after only ONE YEAR, and with not one, but TWO women in the same week... seriously? You APPLAUD this? I feel sorry for you... and more for your wife if you think what this guy is doing is ok.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

oh wow. how sad. get a divorce. you cheated so quickly and easily, you will definitely do it again and again and again when the whim hits you. whatever the situation is with your wife, low drive, maybe she became mean, selfish, lazy, whatever bad thing you can say about her, nobody deserves to be cheated on. that is so not fair to her. marriage just gets more challenging and if you can't respect your vows in one year, then the prospects aren't good for the future. i think you might even cheat on your next wife since you don't have the moral compass not to. do the right thing, fess us, and get a divorce, so you both can find people you deserve.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Wow, you haven't even had your one year anniversary yet. You should be in the honeymoon phase. Plus you've already admitted that it will probably be ongoing. You didn't even give your marriage time to work through your problems. You need to come clean, and I hope she divorces you and finds someone better..... 

I think you wanted to cheat...


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I bet this could have been easily resolved had you sought out help prior to banging these other women. 
So, rather than try to find help before you went outside of your marriage, you complicate things by adding affairs into the equation.
If only you would have read Married Man's Sex Life Primer prior to your actions, you could have had your problems solved within a few weeks or months. 
Now, you totally destroyed any trust she has in the relationship.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Divorce. You married a woman who is not that into you. And you're not committed. So why try so hard to stay together. Just divorce and you can have sex with whoever without guilt.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Get a divorce.
You know what's important to you... Your wife refuses to provide it. You are young and hopefully childless. But rather than cheat you should get a divorce. This way you are being more fair to everyone involved.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Here's a thought: Stop sticking your penis into vaginas that do not belong to your wife!!!

Is it really a difficult concept?!

Then, decide if you want to stay married to her or not, assuming she won't change and you are doomed to have a sexless marriage. Assuming the answer is no, get a divorce.

Then, once you are single, figure out why you cheated so easily and fix it before you get into another relationship.

And THEN, when you DO get into another relationship, or before you do, read this book, and have any future wives read it too

His Needs Her Needs


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## larcenciel (Nov 28, 2012)

ARF said:


> Wow, just wow. You are awfully jaded. This dude appears to have made little to no effort to discover why his sex life has started decreasing. Seems like is wife is still having sex with him. Just not the frequency he desires. He has been married a year. There is no way that he has taken the necessary steps to figure out any of the real issues.
> 
> The issues could be all on her. They may not be either. My point is no effort was made to take this marriage seriously from he cheaters part. He instead took the easy way out and is sleeping around behind his wife's back.


Bingo. 

A year is hardly any time at all, unless you're 12, and then it feels like forever.

Did you ever ask her what the problem was? Like other posters said, I don't think you're all that conflicted if you're cheating twice in one week.

You have no place being married so get a divorce and let her find a grown up partner who is willing to do the work to make the marriage a success. Even with the best matched people it takes work.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

He's "only" getting two BJs a month and thinks that's "rare."

He's got a lot to learn, eh?


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## larcenciel (Nov 28, 2012)

I also don't think the OP is really asking for help or feeling conflicted.

I think he's boasting and looking for validation.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Frusterated1 said:


> 2 days later I cheated on her again with another girl I know.


Damn, playa, 2 women in 2 days? 

I guess karma would be you getting two sets of STDs, and knocking both of these "ladies" up.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Let's take the cheating out of it for one sec.

If you have good sex before marriage and then it stop after marriage then there are two possibilities. 

The first one is she lost her attraction to you because you changed your behavior, probably turning yourself into a doormat.

The second one is she always hated sex and was just doing it to trap you into marriage. A lot of time these partners turn out to be victims of childhood abuse.

In the first case you can do something about it, change back to the attractive person you were.

And the second case you are basically screwed unless you divorce.

So if you had come here for advice before the cheating your best course of action would have been to try to win her back into your bed by being less of a doormat. MMSL and all that.

But since you cheated with two girls in two days after less than a year, that tells me you were not ready for marriage at all in the first place. Even though she's a total dud in bed you don't deserve her.

So be a man about it.
Tell your wife what happened.
Cut off contact with these girls and any others.
Separate and divorce your wife to spare her the hurt that being married to you is going to cause.

Don't get married again until you have cohabitated and successfully stayed monogamous for at least 2-3 years, and you are totally happy with the sex life with the new partner. Also do some due diligence. Don't marry a sexual abuse victim for example. They will rarely want sex at all after marriage. Make sure you don't have any rare fetishes you didn't tell them about, and vice-versa. Make sure the frequency of sex is good enough for you. If you look at porn, don't marry a girl that hates porn. And be clear with your new partner that you see high quality regular sex is a prerequisite for a lasting and happy marriage. Spend some time on TAM and learn about all the ways that your life can be ruined by stupid decisions like the ones you have already made.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Yeah those comments I made yesterday were a lil jaded....
one year isnt very long...Ive been married five and havent cheated (unless u consider porn cheating)
and sometimes I feel like doing just what this guy did..yesterday was one of those days...havent acted
on it yet though..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Having these so-called 'urges' is one thing. Acting on them is something else entirely.

There's a reason humans have self awareness. We aren't rabbits and shouldn't act like rabbits. If you can't keep yourself from acting like a rabbit then get some help.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Hope1964 said:


> Having these so-called 'urges' is one thing. Acting on them is something else entirely.
> 
> There's a reason humans have self awareness. We aren't rabbits and shouldn't act like rabbits. If you can't keep yourself from acting like a rabbit then get some help.


theres a reason my avatar is what it is lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Frusterated1 said:


> Quick background --
> 
> We are both 26 years old. Have been married just under 1 year. While we were dating, we were having lots of sex, and I was getting lots of blowjobs. I regularly do down on her too. She is always very satisfied sexually. Long story short, everything was good.
> 
> ...


So you can't control yourself.

Do you crap in public at the first hint of a bowel movement too?

Why do people act like farm animals.....

You should at least have had the decency to try to thrash through your problems with her to the fullest extent, and then if there were no options, then divorce her.

Then when you are free and single again, THEN you meet other women.

And FYI I am in a virtually sexless marriage too, yet I haven't run off humping anything with a hole and a pulse using my situation as an excuse, like a Man I am attempting to work through it with her.

If my efforts fail, then so be it, I tried with all my heart, but I will leave her, no matter how much I love her and my children.

I can't help but have contempt for weaklings that break their marital vows at even the first sign of inclement weather, without even WORKING to thrash it all out (marriage is WORK) because like pathetic little Emos it is all too hard for them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Frusterated1, 

how often do you have sex with your wife these days?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You are justified for stepping out, but you are NOT justified for lying to your wife. Sorry mate, but if you want to come clean, get rid of your deadfish before you consider fishing again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> You are justified for stepping out, but you are NOT justified for lying to your wife. Sorry mate, but if you want to come clean, get rid of your deadfish before you consider fishing again.


Why is he justified in cheating on his wife?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Why is he justified in cheating on his wife?


I'm sure he means what he's justified in is in stepping out, i.e. divorcing/stepping out of the marriage. He stated clearly he's not justified in lying, which cheating entails.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Why is he justified in cheating on his wife?





Interlocutor said:


> I'm sure he means what he's justified in is in stepping out, i.e. divorcing/stepping out of the marriage. He stated clearly he's not justified in lying, which cheating entails.


Yes, RD made that distinction.

However I want to hear RD’s thoughts about what he said.

This couple is still having sex, we don’t know how often but we know they are. We also don’t know what her reasons are for her reaction to married life that has led to a slowdown/change in their sexual life. We also don’t know what his part is in it.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Here's a thought: Stop sticking your penis into vaginas that do not belong to your wife!!!


I'm sorry, but this just made me SO laugh out loud. Hope, you are a hoot!


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Yes, RD made that distinction.
> 
> However I want to hear RD’s thoughts about what he said.
> 
> This couple is still having sex, we don’t know how often but we know they are. We also don’t know what her reasons are for her reaction to married life that has led to a slowdown/change in their sexual life. We also don’t know what his part is in it.


Nope, we don't know those things... And I understand you have a query as to RD's thoughts.

Again, I merely shared that I am fairly certain that RD does not believe the OP is justified in cheating on his spouse, which is contrary to what is implicit in your question to him in your last post quoting him, the one asking RD why he believes the OP is justified in cheating on his spouse. Doesn't asking that make it sound as if you believe RD feels the OP is justified in cheating?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This couple is still having sex, we don’t know how often but we know they are. We also don’t know what her reasons are for her reaction to married life that has led to a slowdown/change in their sexual life. We also don’t know what his part is in it.


True but I'm not sure it really matters what her reasons are. Probably some other d!ckish behavior by the OP? 2 different PA's in 2 days seems like a pretty strong indication that this marriage is not going to work out. Better to fail fast.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's not your wife's fault. Stop blaming her for your very poor and disrespectful choices.

My ex h did the same thing to me. He slept with many many women. I left him and now he's doing the same thing to his current wife. I can't imagine all the std's he's bringing home to her. Gross. 

Thank God I met an honorable man I can fully trust and deserves every little bit of my attention. We've been married for a while now and I give him my all. Of course there are times where it's slower then others, but that doesn't mean it's okay to run off and betray the other person.

Your poor wife. Tell her now, so she can marry someone who will be respectful and faithful to her. Or perhaps let her go out and sleep with other men. That would only be fair.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

Keep quiet and don't get ur wife or others pregnant
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

marriedguy said:


> ok seriously cmon dude..if a woman isnt into sex it sucks bigtime...it doesnt matter wether you become
> the freakin mother ****er of all the trades around the house and treat her like a princess..non of that
> **** will make her be a BJ goddess...it will only frustrate u further because once u try being the best
> husband.u can be it is only human to expect to get somethin in return from wifey..
> ...


I worry about you. Why are you egging him on to do something you cant do? i dont see what is stopping you from divorcing. Is it fear or lack self confidence. 

That's the problem, no. The common fear is that women will not find you attractive enough to want to have sex with you. You just have to chance it. Many men do and are successful. You have put yourself in an undignified position dont you think. 

What you are doing amounts to cowering behind your wifes apron wispering the courage you dont have. 

Be brave and the master of your fate. You will have to put yourself out there and see if you are able to make the cut. 

If you don't like women, stay where you are, you're doing good under the circumstances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

by the way, what is a bj goddess? Is it something a real human woman with at lest a 1/4 of a brain would aspire to? if so why? Out of love?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> by the way, what is a bj goddess? Is it something a real human woman with at lest a 1/4 of a brain would aspire to? if so why? Out of love?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes.


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

You know the consequences that might happen from what you've done, right? Better to fix this problem early as you could to avoid any conflicts at the end.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

marriedguy said:


> ok seriously cmon dude..if a woman isnt into sex it sucks bigtime...it doesnt matter wether you become
> the freakin mother ****er of all the trades around the house and treat her like a princess..non of that
> **** will make her be a BJ goddess...it will only frustrate u further because once u try being the best
> husband.u can be it is only human to expect to get somethin in return from wifey..
> ...


 People who cheat are the cowards~~ Instead of doing the right thing they do the wrong thing..


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just divorce her or at least seperate so then you can have your fun, that's the fair approach.

You can't really excuse your behaviour unless you can truthfully say that your wife has you at gunpoint to stay married.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CaliRN said:


> Keep quiet and don't get ur wife or others pregnant
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry, what? Did you seriously tell the OP to just go ahead and keep f*cking other women without a care for his wife? Really? Wow...


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

It looks to me like the OP just wanted to come on here and get people fired up and that is just what he did.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Somebody earlier in the thread stated that nobody deserved to be cheated on. I do not agree with that, at all. If a spouse chronically and willfully withholds sex they are breaking the marriage vows, and have no right whatsoever to expect fidelity. Monogamy in the marriage is a two way street; we both forsake others for the sake of sexual fidelity with one another. If either side of that equation is broken, whether one decides to sleep with another party, or one decides to stop sleeping with their spouse, monogamy is broken. Withholding spouses do not have the right to expect, or demand, sexual solidarity.

Having said that, cheating only complicates matters and makes an already messy situation worse. For the sake of your OWN sanity, personal integrity, and potential legal issues, divorce a withholding spouse before you seek sexual gratification elsewhere. Don't do it because the withholder has the right to expect you to remain faithful, but because it's truly what is best for own sake.

As far as the OP? 26, and cheating after less than one year of sex? Mad that his wife isn't a "blow job queen", who only gives him a BJ once or twice a month? You really believe you're the victim here? Give me a break. You're too immature for marriage, and you made a mistake getting into a lifetime contract that you clearly were nowhere near ready to undertake. Be a ****ing man, tell your wife, and set her, and yourself, free.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

If she's not doing it with you chances are she's doing it with somebody else.
Cheating is never justified but the harsh truth is that I understand your situation. I'm sure if she was the one cheating there will be some way of rationalizing and justifing it (you've done the same but you have not justified it). Can't blame you.......you found it elsewhere and the die is cast.
Now time to make a decision.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Somebody earlier in the thread stated that nobody deserved to be cheated on. I do not agree with that, at all. If a spouse chronically and willfully withholds sex they are breaking the marriage vows, and have no right whatsoever to expect fidelity. Monogamy in the marriage is a two way street; we both forsake others for the sake of sexual fidelity with one another. If either side of that equation is broken, whether one decides to sleep with another party, or one decides to stop sleeping with their spouse, monogamy is broken. Withholding spouses do not have the right to expect, or demand, sexual solidarity.


Oh, this is just SO wrong!


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Somebody earlier in the thread stated that nobody deserved to be cheated on. I do not agree with that, at all. If a spouse chronically and willfully withholds sex they are breaking the marriage vows, and have no right whatsoever to expect fidelity. Monogamy in the marriage is a two way street; we both forsake others for the sake of sexual fidelity with one another. If either side of that equation is broken, whether one decides to sleep with another party, or one decides to stop sleeping with their spouse, monogamy is broken. Withholding spouses do not have the right to expect, or demand, sexual solidarity.
> 
> Having said that, cheating only complicates matters and makes an already messy situation worse. For the sake of your OWN sanity, personal integrity, and potential legal issues, divorce a withholding spouse before you seek sexual gratification elsewhere. Don't do it because the withholder has the right to expect you to remain faithful, but because it's truly what is best for own sake.
> 
> As far as the OP? 26, and cheating after less than one year of sex? Mad that his wife isn't a "blow job queen", who only gives him a BJ once or twice a month? You really believe you're the victim here? Give me a break. You're too immature for marriage, and you made a mistake getting into a lifetime contract that you clearly were nowhere near ready to undertake. Be a ****ing man, tell your wife, and set her, and yourself, free.


AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN! I find women are quick to play the victim role and for the most part other women are quick to support the female side of the conversation. again AMEN! Finally refreshing to hear someone that calls a spade a spade. When a guy cheats they all call him an ******* but when a woman cheats there's a "reason". 
AMEN!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

jaquen said:


> S*omebody earlier in the thread stated that nobody deserved to be cheated on. I do not agree with that, at all. If a spouse chronically and willfully withholds sex they are breaking the marriage vows*, and have no right whatsoever to expect fidelity. Monogamy in the marriage is a two way street; we both forsake others for the sake of sexual fidelity with one another. If either side of that equation is broken, whether one decides to sleep with another party, or one decides to stop sleeping with their spouse, monogamy is broken. Withholding spouses do not have the right to expect, or demand, sexual solidarity.
> 
> Having said that, cheating only complicates matters and makes an already messy situation worse. For the sake of your OWN sanity, personal integrity, and potential legal issues, divorce a withholding spouse before you seek sexual gratification elsewhere. Don't do it because the withholder has the right to expect you to remain faithful, but because it's truly what is best for own sake.
> 
> As far as the OP? 26, and cheating after less than one year of sex? Mad that his wife isn't a "blow job queen", who only gives him a BJ once or twice a month? You really believe you're the victim here? Give me a break. You're too immature for marriage, and you made a mistake getting into a lifetime contract that you clearly were nowhere near ready to undertake. Be a ****ing man, tell your wife, and set her, and yourself, free.


 I disagree, you can file for divorce and move on, it is not like cheating is the only option.. I could understand if divorce did not exist, but it does.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

aston said:


> AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN! I find women are quick to play the victim role and for the most part other women are quick to support the female side of the conversation. again AMEN! Finally refreshing to hear someone that calls a spade a spade. When a guy cheats they all call him an ******* but when a woman cheats there's a "reason".
> AMEN!


 A cheater is a cheater doesn't matter if they are male of female, in my book!


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I think you should have this thread moved to the Coping with infidelity section. You'll get valuable advice from the people there


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

ladybird said:


> *I disagree, you can file for divorce and move on*, it is not like cheating is the only option.. I could understand if divorce did not exist, but it does.


Did you not read the second paragraph in the post you quoted?



bobka said:


> Oh, this is just SO wrong!


Adultery and willful, chronic withholding are two sides of the exact same coin.

Sorry you seem to believe that a cold, deadfish spouse who keeps the sex in a marriage hostage is deserving of fidelity, but I do not.

If you're refusing your spouse sex, you're breaking your marriage vows and you have no right to expect anybody to stay faithful to you.

The other person should not cheat for their own sake, and the sake of the kids, but not yours.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Sorry you seem to believe that a cold, deadfish spouse who keeps the sex in a marriage hostage is deserving of fidelity, but I do not.
> 
> If you're refusing your spouse sex, you're breaking your marriage vows and you have no right to expect anybody to stay faithful to you.


Then you get out. You don't cheat.

You made a sweeping statement, and didn't account for many, many reasons why sex may not be there, may not even be possible. There can be extenuating circumstances, mental health issues, medical issues, many issues preventing a healthy sex life. But marriage is not just about sex, and although it's an important facet, it's _never_ an excuse for infidelity. And withholding sex, I would opine, is not a form of infidelity.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

aston said:


> AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN! I find women are quick to play the victim role and for the most part other women are quick to support the female side of the conversation. again AMEN! Finally refreshing to hear someone that calls a spade a spade. When a guy cheats they all call him an ******* but when a woman cheats there's a "reason".
> AMEN!


There is always a reason for either gender, they are just not good reasons. They are justifications for issues people do not want to deal with and a way out from making other more difficult decisions. They also usually add or compound to the "reason" people cheat in the first place. So here is the spade. Call it what is really is.

And something else. For men who believe that if a W does not have sex with an H this is purposely withholding sex and grounds for breaking a marriage vow, I would argue that your partner may not agree. And Jaquen, i know this is not exactly what you are saying but . . . 

Let me suggest that BEFORE you get married you tell your fiance, "just so you know, having sex with me on a regular basis which i currently deem to be x times/day/week/, is a condition of my commitment to you. If you have problems throughout our marriage that are going to affect this, fix them because otherwise i'll consider you in breach of contract and then all bets are off. I'll give you some time to get your **** together, but not forever (despite what i say on our wedding day)" There will likely be many broken engagements (and you may be single for the rest of your natural born life), but at least many would be saved from heartaches and disappointments.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

bobka said:


> Then you get out. You don't cheat.
> 
> You made a sweeping statement, and didn't account for many, many reasons why sex may not be there, may not even be possible. There can be extenuating circumstances, mental health issues, medical issues, many issues preventing a healthy sex life. But marriage is not just about sex, and although it's an important facet, it's _never_ an excuse for infidelity. And withholding sex, I would opine, is not a form of infidelity.


Just like there are extenuating circumstances which might make divorce a non-starter for some couples too. 

Withholding sex isn't infidelity, but it is a breech of contract and every bit as bad unless you signed up for celibacy from the get go. I'm with Jaquen on this one. Get out if you can, but you're certainly no worse than the withholding spouse if you cheat and no more deserving of anyone's anger. Of course you owe due diligence in attempting to fix the problem, but not unilateral acceptance of an agreement that the other party has torn in half.

Sex is the ONLY thing in the world that my wife absolutely requires that I share only no other. The reciprocal contract is that she make it available, under reasonable conditions. Failure to do so makes the arrangement null and void.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

bobka said:


> Then you get out. You don't cheat.
> 
> You made a sweeping statement, and didn't account for many, many reasons why sex may not be there, may not even be possible. There can be extenuating circumstances, mental health issues, medical issues, many issues preventing a healthy sex life. But marriage is not just about sex, and although it's an important facet, it's _never_ an excuse for infidelity. And withholding sex, I would opine, is not a form of infidelity.


You're having an emotional, knee jerk reaction and aren't even reading what I wrote:

_If a spouse *chronically and willfully* withholds sex..._ 

"...or *one decides* to stop sleeping with their spouse..."

Clearly I am talking about a very specific set of circumstances. I am not addressing several mental, or physical, ailments that prevent sex. I'm sure most people reading my post ascertained that.

Regarding your cheating comment, I'll ask you the exact same thing I asked Ladybird:

Did you not read the second paragraph in the post you quoted?



bobka said:


> And withholding sex, I would opine, is not a form of infidelity.


Yes, actually it is. Willful withholding is cruel, immoral, and grounds for divorce. You don't promise to forsake all others during your vows in the hopes of a singularly focused sex life; you forsake all others for the expectation. A willfully withholding spouse is breaking the vows, and they are just as bad as an adulterer. 

But if you'd like to test that in your marriage, have at it. I wouldn't tolerate it in mine, nor would my wife.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Frusterated1 said:


> Quick background --
> 
> We are both 26 years old. Have been married just under 1 year. While we were dating, we were having lots of sex, and I was getting lots of blowjobs. I regularly do down on her too. She is always very satisfied sexually. Long story short, everything was good.
> 
> ...


I'm not a fan of cheating either, but how much of a difference did it make for you to get your needs met? How did this effect you and your outlook on life?

I seem to recall it was a pretty large change for such a simple thing in my life. And while I wasn't more boldly professing my confidence it was a calmness and comfort within the realm of people which have their physical needs met that ladies who would be interested could amost smell!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

All this after just being married for one year? Giving up and having multiple affairs? Yikes. There's not enough patience here to support a marriage.

Over the past three+ decades, there's been good, there's been bad. I actually think things are better now than they were during the first year. No matter what anyone tells you, married life is different than dating, and it takes a while to figure everything out. Very rarely do you read that nothing changed after getting married, with the two biggest struggles being sex & finances. Which may of course be related. 

Kids change things. Actually kids can be a really cruel and rude awakening, because there's that second trimester thing where women can get really aroused & downright horny, and this continues frequently until shortly before the kid's born. Then? Talk about feeling like you're cut off, not just from sex, but even affection & attention as your wife bonds with the newborn.

One year and cheating multiple times because one of you is HD and the other LD and thinking you have a marriage is just nuts. This is something you need to spend time working out, and some things in marriage take YEARS to work out, they're not solved with a post in an on-line forum.

Sorry, got into a bit of a ramble there. But after 30+ years I'm still working out the kinks, and don't believe for one minute that it's anything but a work in progress, and will never be complete. The measure of my marriage's worth is my willingness to work at it.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Err...why is this thread suddenly being revived after 3 months of being dormant, and the OP has a total post count of ONE? 

I don't think he needs our advice anymore...just sayin'. :scratchhead:


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I'm totally positive that this poor fellow got his head screwed on right, stopped cheating, came clean, and has been in R for a while now... because that's what always happens in these situations, right?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> Err...why is this thread suddenly being revived after 3 months of being dormant, and the OP has a total post count of ONE?
> 
> I don't think he needs our advice anymore...just sayin'. :scratchhead:


This thread really isn't about the original poster. It's about how people feel is the appropriate way to respond to a spouse who is withholding sex. In a perfect world people wouldn't stray, but its not a realistic expectation. If my wife were to stop having sex with me I would find someone who is willing.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> by the way, what is a bj goddess? Is it something a real human woman with at lest a 1/4 of a brain would aspire to? if so why? Out of love?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope, you can only be a BJ goddess if you love giving them as much as he loves recieving them.
Nothing to do with love
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Nope, you can only be a BJ goddess if you love giving them as much as he loves recieving them.
> Nothing to do with love
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't see why any woman who is into sex, who loves to please their partner would NOT aspire to be a bj goddess...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Lots of crazy sex before you got married.

You get married and 1 year later little to no sex and you have to beg.

Sounds like she baited and switched you and she probably was a LD woman to begin with.

Instead of cheating on her, relieve yourself instead, but now I would get a divorce and move on and find a woman with a healthy and honest sex drive.

See, the sex should of been the same before and after you got married, not this.

Move on and get the divorce over with.

Or maybe have a final talk with her and see.....counseling......if you want it to work, don't tell her you cheated.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Marriage is a sexual & emotional EXCLUSIVE relationship. Exclusive, in layman terms means, not including other things.

Statements such as "if they withhold sex then they deserve to be cheated on" are complete nonsense and immature. No person deserves to be CHEATED, not even the CHEATER. Statements such as those are, more likely than not, from people who have never been in a committed relationship and/or have never been cheated on. 

If you want to eat some pie on the street do so when you are not married.

So my suggestion to you OP is to be HONEST, confess and if you want to mess around like a single lad, become one.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> This thread really isn't about the original poster. It's about how people feel is the appropriate way to respond to a spouse who is withholding sex. In a perfect world people wouldn't stray, but its not a realistic expectation. If my wife were to stop having sex with me I would find someone who is willing.


Yet a woman not getting her emotional needs met in a marriage who then cheats is just wrong and a ***** and whatever else. Why is it different?

It's not. Needs are needs, and men's sexual needs Are not more important than his wife's emotional needs. And cheating is cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I would say the majority of the time, bf and gf have crazy sex in the beginning, get married, a year or so later, wife doesn't feel sex is as important anymore and it trickles down to very little and hubby is now sexually starved and has to beg. Hubby always talked to her, listened, walks, flowers, do things together, surprise cards and meals, helps around the house but to wife, sex isn't as important, still doesn't change, so the I am missing my emotional needs is nonsense for the lack of interest in sex. Most guys would still do those things for their wives, here on TAM, e-books and the sex still is very little and have to beg..........

Marriage is 50 / 50. No sex after getting marriage = no emotional support soon after. Or lots of healthy sex before and after getting married = lots of naturally occurring emotional support.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Nope, you can only be a BJ goddess if you love giving them as much as he loves recieving them.
> Nothing to do with love
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did not post that to make anyone angry. I question wheather men expect too much of their loving partners. That may be the reason for the problems that couples have with bj in LTR. there may also be solutions.

If i am correct, the way most people practice oral sex for the man - he ask for a bj or is given one spontaneously. 

The woman gives it cold no time or effort to arouse her and she is not usually brought to orgasm after her husband cums. In addition, She is expected to put on an act of enthusiasm. 

When men give OS, they are aroused and get an orgasm after giving their partner one. They can act naturally, no expectation of following the script of a romantic hero. 

The convensional wisdom is that women forgo sexual pleasure while giving her partner pleasure as a show of love. She is also has to be a good actress. 

That is a great deal to ask of a woman you love. 

Caring and mutuality is a sign of love not sacrifice. Besides dont Men and women need love and sexual pleasure in equal doses? It seems unloving to me to expected a loved partner to put on an act when they are performing a sexual act unaroused, and to endure sexual frustration. 

A bj gives a man a chance to relax and enjoy an orgasm without worrying about holding off until his partner cums. To me, that is the reason to give a bj. A man has few chances to just enjoy an orgasm in partnered sex without exerting some control to take care of his partner. Women can usually relax and enjoy the experience. 

Giving a bj cold should be a choice the woman makes and the gesture should be appreciated by the recipient.

My husband and I have mutual oral sex. Me first then him. Being aroused makes for natural enthusiasm on my part. I don't follow a script, I am not a good actress.

I also give him bj's with no expectation of return for the reasons stated above. I think that a bj should be part of mutually satisfying sex. If it is stand alone act, it is easier to shoot down.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

jaharthur said:


> He's "only" getting two BJs a month and thinks that's "rare."
> 
> He's got a lot to learn, eh?


I'm not trying to justify his actions or anything, because I believe they're horrific, but two blowjobs a month is nothing grand.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

See that light at the end of the tunnel? 
Thats the karma bus bearing down on you!


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> I'm not trying to justify his actions or anything, because I believe they're horrific, but two blowjobs a month is nothing grand.


It's better than ZERO, and a start for getting to 3 to 4, then 5 to 6 and then to an even better rate.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

It seems many men today come in two shades of idiot.

One, they are unhappy with their marriage, but they don't have the balls to stand up to their wives or divorce. They cheat instead.

Two, they are unhappy with their marriage and lack the balls. Then, they DO NOTHING except live as little shells, little whiners, or little recluses in a long race with their wives to see who can die first.

Things I need to remember as I raise my son, thinking out loud, don't mind me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Before my wife and I got married, she gave me BJ's every day and swallowed from the beginning. I asked her, does it do anything for you? She said, not really. So I asked her what can I do to make it as comfortable for you? She told me, her fav drink nearby, Almond Milk, don't use my hands on her head and she has control and that's what we do. She doesn't love the taste, that's obvious but does it anyway because she knows I love it and immediately afterwards has her drink, so its not even that bad. I would give her oral to orgasm every time she wanted it but getting her to that point is difficult and doesn't happen too often. I never deny her and she usually never denies me, unless she's sick, already pretty much asleep or its her time of the month. Now the BJ's are maybe 2x month and usually during her time of the month. I don't like that, but that's the way it is was a LD individual.


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## Legends (Feb 22, 2013)

I can't even judge this guy because she is not the innocent one in the situation it's 50% his fault and 50% her fault. They both are selfish and childish but that's what it is. He isn't doing something or she is comfortable where she doesn't feel she needs to meet his needs he finds that some where else. If your job isn't paying your bills then you find another job......

She should communicate the issue he shouldn't have to play a guessing game


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