# Leaving an abusive marriage - the next step?



## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

After the worst 5 years of my life living with an abusive, controlling, manipulative shell of a woman who I loathe, I finally pulled the trigger last weekend and finished it. We'd been married for 2 years and together for almost 12 and things were so abusive and bad that it landed me with depression, an anxiety disorder, and PTSD all of which I am recovering from now having worked out the "reason" for thinking I was going insane.

Now that's finally done thank god (even though she's still in the house) please can someone offer me some advice on the next steps. She seems to imply she is wanting to sort things out in an amicable fashion however I do not want to get screwed over, so would you be able to offer some advice? Overall I want to keep the house if I can afford it, possibly give her a chunk of money to leave, and then just move on with my life.

Any advice on what I need to do at this stage please? I've started looking at everything financially, and I will go and speak to a lawyer however I am praying that this can be sorted quickly without any stupid emotional battle with lawyers and petty things. I earn a lot more than her and I've paid out a fortune for her over the years taking her on holidays, paying for the wedding, paying towards her car, paying her credit card off etc. 

Any advice?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Get a lawyer, odds are she isn't going to end this marriage on amicable terms. You are the one who wanted the divorce, what incentive does she have to make it easy? Why did you marry her? When you were dating her she was like this.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Get a lawyer, odds are she isn't going to end this marriage on amicable terms. You are the one who wanted the divorce, what incentive does she have to make it easy? Why did you marry her? When you were dating her she was like this.


She seemed sweet and like a lovely person who just didn't have much confidence, then over the years the layers started to come off and I discovered someone I didn't even know. She's cold, ruthless, manipulative, controlling, oh and she's the worlds biggest victim. Everyone leaves her and it's all so unfair, I was always the one who was here who thought I "saw her" thinking she was just misunderstood but now I get why she has no friends and anyone important in her life has left, she's just a maniac. I hate it because I fell deep in love with this woman but the woman I fell in love with exists 2% of the time now, and the other 98% is some stranger that terrifies me. I feel duped, messed up, angry, and sad among other things.

I'm just so thankful I didn't have kids with this woman, and I can't believe who she has become.

Yeah I am going to speak to a lawyer tomorrow, need to get prepared for this as I don't trust her at all.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I moved out and got an attorney. Then she ended up filing first, had me served at our home while we were doing our taxes, haha. Now that we are separated, we get along the best we've ever have. Been the best 3 months of my life, other than not seeing my kids all the time. I can't wait to be divorced!!


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> I moved out and got an attorney. Then she ended up filing first, had me served at our home while we were doing our taxes, haha. Now that we are separated, we get along the best we've ever have. Been the best 3 months of my life, other than not seeing my kids all the time. I can't wait to be divorced!!


I don't know if I could stay friends with her, I feel so tricked and betrayed I also strongly believe she's had affairs over the years. Hey get this... in 8 years of her working at the same place (big company in the city) I have only met 3 of her work mates on our wedding day. She kept me away from every work event, drinks, work do, christmas parties, can't believe I accepted this crap to be honest.

Going to phone a lawyer tomorrow and basically just give her next to nothing as she's already taking tens of thousands off me with her free holidays, cars, credit cards, she can get stuffed from now on I just want her out of my life. I can't believe women like this exist???


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> I don't know if I could stay friends with her, I feel so tricked and betrayed I also strongly believe she's had affairs over the years. Hey get this... in 8 years of her working at the same place (big company in the city) I have only met 3 of her work mates on our wedding day. She kept me away from every work event, drinks, work do, christmas parties, can't believe I accepted this crap to be honest.
> 
> Going to phone a lawyer tomorrow and basically just give her next to nothing as she's already taking tens of thousands off me with her free holidays, cars, credit cards, she can get stuffed from now on I just want her out of my life. I can't believe women like this exist???


We have been there. My wife had good friends, but was insecure and became had a complete victim complex in our relationship which meant any kindness to be equated with oppression in her mind.

The best support network I had was male. They will be able to empathize, that is far harder for women to do with men (I had a couple of female posters on here try and tell me it was all my fault, thankfully Blond has been banned now).

Get through and learn to let it go and not hold a grudge. Tough, but it is the only way to put it behind you.

How old are you?


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> We have been there. My wife had good friends, but was insecure and became had a complete victim complex in our relationship which meant any kindness to be equated with oppression in her mind.
> 
> The best support network I had was male. They will be able to empathize, that is far harder for women to do with men (I had a couple of female posters on here try and tell me it was all my fault, thankfully Blond has been banned now).
> 
> ...


It is hard not to become bitter, but now I just need to concentrate my focus on getting out and hopefully seeing if I can afford to keep the house.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Advice - lawyer. You already are. No one knows the laws in your state and what your financial situation is but the attorney. We can help you with the emotional stuff, give you advice on how to uncover evidence and that sort of thing but really your questions are attorney-related.

Oh, I do have advice: document, document, document. And make sure she doesn't have access to your documents, files, email, thumb drive, etc. You paid off debt that was acquired prior to your marriage? Have proof of that. Her credit card statement, your bank statement, a timeline of the relationship.

And if you really think she'll go bat-sh*t crazy on you? Get a nanny cam and put it someone in the living room with the widest view. Make sure you are ready to record on your phone at any time. Take date-stamped photos of the condition of the home and all of the contents. Destruction of property isn't unheard of with the crazy ones.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

PS legality of nanny cam? When you set it up, tell her you got a security camera for the house. Make sure your telling her is recorded. Do not put it anywhere in the house there is an expectation of privacy (bedroom/bathroom). Likely you won't need it for court - you only need your attorney to tell HER attorney that you have recorded evidence of [blank]. You don't want her claiming abuse while you are there.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

separate your bank accounts !!!!! Even after i was D, She came in and took money out of one of (our) mine accounts. And this was after the court order that she removed herself from the accounts... get a different bank...


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

The first thing you want to do is get your own bank account if you don't already have one. Transfer all of your money into it so she can't screw you over while you figure out the finances. Sometimes people do take off their mask when they get the ring because they are more comfortable and think they don't have to put on a show anymore. I'm really sorry you are going through this.


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