# your



## M A (Aug 9, 2021)

[Deleted]


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Being a gentleman and being confident and assertive in bed are not mutually exclusive.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I think this sort of thing is where some couples can run into a disconnect. This is just my perspective.

All that dominance and rough sex kinda requires a little passion. I would have to be in the right frame of mind to perform like that. For example, if your wife likes really rough, almost degrading sex, a guy has to be able to compartmentalize very well in order to perform that way in the bedroom with a woman he cares about. If I love you, we are life partners, and I respect you, you might be asking a lot for some rough, degrading sex if you expect me to not feel some kinda way about you after the fact. Maybe that's why some ladies cheat. Their husband actually loves them and that emotion carries into their lovemaking. Some guy just looking to get laid and doesn't care about her in the slightest can probably treat her like a POS in the bedroom because that's very likely his opinion of her character anyway.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I would wager that "domination" has as many meanings as there are people. I would say that most people like to be sexually desired by their partner. Having a partner clearly and sexually want you can be quite exciting. My wife ocassionally, likes it when I get really aroused and must have her. Sometimes she doesn't want that at all, but every now and then she has told me that seeing me that aroused at her allows her to feed off of my passion to help her get aroused. Very little dominance in what we do, but passion and confidence might be a substitute for some.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Years ago I had the Playboy Book of Jokes, or some such, and one joke in particular has stuck in my mind.

It goes something like this: "A son calls his dad and says, 'Dad, I have a problem. I've tried following your advice about disciplining my wife when she acts up, but by the time I get her panties off, I can't remember what I was mad about!'"

An offensive joke, perhaps, but it was from a different time, a time before men were feminized.

I wonder if that joke stuck in my head because it struck an atavistic chord?

Anyone up for a good "Slap and tickle?"


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I can't help it. I'm giggling wildly. This reads like it was written in the Victorian era.

It's a sad state of affairs when we find men have less testosterone than previous generations, have to have basic masculine behaviors explained to them, and apparently have to be taught how to passionately **** properly.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Should be no difficulty for Christian husbands. It is about dominance in the bedroon....not being an azzhole to your wife.
One can be dominant and not go into BDSM territory. I figured out after 22 yrs of marriage my wife likes me to be dominant. It was a change of mindset for me from all the BS drummed into men's minds about how women want men to act. 

The slow loving gentle might build a closeness, but it does not get the panties wet. Dominance does. Why soo many women cheat on good husbands with the guys who are dixs. Dominance flips her primal sex switch on like talked about above.

Ticket is guys need to quit listening to all the Passive act BS. Become assertive in and out of the bedroom.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'd discuss this with you, but not on your first thread, and certainly not when you haven't provided feedback. Let's get to know you first. Then you can ask loaded questions.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> The slow loving gentle might build a closeness, but it does not get the panties wet.


Women aren't that simple. There are various kinds of physical sexual arousal and orgasms.

For example, maybe we'll softly kiss and touch. Of course I'm getting aroused. It's a slow burn. The orgasm will be soft and relaxing. But then maybe another time there will be pinning and restraining, biting, clawing, whatever. It's a totally different kind of arousal. Hard and intense. When the orgasm occurs it's more like a dam violently breaking. Both are satisfying in different ways. And there's various combinations, too. A single encounter might incorporate various moods.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)




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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Women aren't that simple.


Well, ain't THAT the freaking truth!

Even if women came with a manual, it would be so large you'd never be able to finish it.



MJJEAN said:


> And there's various combinations, too. A single encounter might incorporate various moods.


Now _that_ is interesting.

What comes first, slow & gentle or pinned to the wall?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Noman said:


> Now _that_ is interesting.
> 
> What comes first, slow & gentle or pinned to the wall?


Some of the other ladies have mentioned it in threads recently. Women have various kinds of arousals and orgasms. Hormones, mood, partner...all affect how each encounter feels.

Slow and gentle can turn into raging passion. Intense lustiness can turn slow and gentle. Just like one of us could be Dom and the other sub, but then the mood changes, there's some shift in the feel, and the roles suddenly mutually reverse. When there's a formal scene set usually the roles stay the same, but spontaneous casual initiation can go any number of ways.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Eh, I'm pretty liberal. I'm also almost asexual these days, since i rarely get turned on anymore(low T? Who knows). That said, i still bend my wife over my lap and spank her bare bottom from time to time. 

That is more fun for her than it is for me, though it is kinda cute the way she wriggles around. Everything following is fun for both of us. 

So yeah, a "gentleman" can be dominant in the bedroom. The fact that the question is even being asked kinda baffles me.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

As for the title of the thread, sex is never what saves a marriage. Willingness to work with and respect your partner and yourself is what makes a marriage work. Sex just often ends up being a part of that.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Women aren't that simple. There are various kinds of physical sexual arousal and orgasms.
> 
> For example, maybe we'll softly kiss and touch. Of course I'm getting aroused. It's a slow burn. The orgasm will be soft and relaxing. But then maybe another time there will be pinning and restraining, biting, clawing, whatever. It's a totally different kind of arousal. Hard and intense. When the orgasm occurs it's more like a dam violently breaking. Both are satisfying in different ways. And there's various combinations, too. A single encounter might incorporate various moods.


It was a general stmt that dominance tends to have a faster and more intense reaction. 

Hense all the girls that go after the dikhead guys and avoid the good guys until they want a provider to to pay for OGs kids or until yhey have had their fun with all the FBoys.

I think a good relationship needs both kinds. Wife and i like dominant intensity on Rnd #1 and slow and sensial on Rnd #2. Or mix pf both during same session.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> i still bend my wife over my lap and spank her bare bottom from time to time.
> 
> That is more fun for her than it is for me, though it is kinda cute the way she wriggles around.


This sounds like a fun spanking for her.

Does it satisfy her "bad boy" needs?


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

There was some compartmentalization involved for me. That took some reading, reevaluation and practice. 

Reading :

I get the sense that TAMers are pretty angry re Ether Perel's later writings (I haven't read her latest, or plan to). HOWEVER her older book Mating In Captivity addresses this topic from more angles, and more thoroughly and thoughtfully than I imagine anyone could. It's an excellent read if this topic is of interest. 

After reading that book and Athol's MMSLP, it's much easier to reconcile the Caring with the Daring. 

It was then easy to move on to Warren's The Loving Dominant within the context of those two foundations. 


That said, whatever the OP's motivations are for starting this topic, I hope it gets more activity.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Most married men though are busy sulking- “she never initiates”.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> Most married men though are busy sulking- “she never initiates”.


It is difficult to 100% completely desulkify, I still hear myself saying 'she never starts sexting with me, I always have to'. Then I slap myself upside the head and sext her lol.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its importance to separate dominance in bedroom play from dominance in real life - they may be completely different. There is even a claim that I somewhat believe, that there are a lot of people (especially men) who are always in control, always have responsibility in real life who want to be dominated in bed because its a chance to for once not be "in charge".

Some people like dominating in the bedroom, some like being dominated, some like both, some neither. IMHO its got nothing to do with real life, its just sex play. Have fun, but don't try to assign special meaning to it


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

uhtred said:


> Its importance to separate dominance in bedroom play from dominance in real life - they may be completely different. There is even a claim that I somewhat believe, that there are a lot of people (especially men) who are always in control, always have responsibility in real life who want to be dominated in bed because its a chance to for once not be "in charge".
> 
> Some people like dominating in the bedroom, some like being dominated, some like both, some neither. IMHO its got nothing to do with real life, its just sex play. Have fun, but don't try to assign special meaning to it


We literally name them as two different realities. Making that distinction 100% clear in our communication was liberating for her.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Noman said:


> This sounds like a fun spanking for her.
> 
> Does it satisfy her "bad boy" needs?


it makes her feel more submissive.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

As'laDain said:


> So yeah, a "gentleman" can be dominant in the bedroom. The fact that the question is even being asked kinda baffles me.


I couldn't believe it had to be asked, either. I thought this was something everyone just ...knows.



As'laDain said:


> As for the title of the thread, sex is never what saves a marriage. Willingness to work with and respect your partner and yourself is what makes a marriage work. Sex just often ends up being a part of that.


Eh, I think sex, love, and commitment take turns keeping a marriage going. There have been times I wasn't willing to work on jack or ****e I was so pissed off or disconnected and it was definitely the sex that saved us.



Divinely Favored said:


> It was a general stmt that dominance tends to have a faster and more intense reaction.
> 
> *Hense all the girls that go after the dikhead guys and avoid the good guys until they want a provider to to pay for OGs kids or until yhey have had their fun with all the FBoys.*
> 
> I think a good relationship needs both kinds. Wife and i like dominant intensity on Rnd #1 and slow and sensial on Rnd #2. Or mix pf both during same session.


Bolded is kinda funny to me. I wouldn't let a fucboi/badboy Dom me if he was the last dude on Earth. Sure, I'd have sex with them a time or two because sex. But to delve into anything that could cause a bond either emotionally or psychologically? HELL NAW! I'd have plenty of sex, but intimacy? Not my thing with casuals. I saved up my kink for DH.



CatholicDad said:


> Most married men though are busy sulking- “she never initiates”.


Which is fair. Men need to feel desired, too. A woman should initiate every so often.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

After reading Quad73's post, I did a little Goggling and found these two His & Hers blog entries written by a couple that provide an interesting view into Dominance & Submission (great B.O.C song), although from a BDSM perspective:
I Have A Submissive Wife
The Guide To Erotic Spanking

Like MMSL, something else I wish I'd read in my late teens.

Every time something like this happens I find myself envisioning myself as an angry military colonel from some movie or other, shouting, "WHY WASN'T I INFORMED OF THIS?!?"


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Which is fair. Men need to feel desired, too. A woman should initiate every so often.


Probably so, but not the way it works, sadly.

It's funny, the woman picks the man, then the power shifts & the man spends the rest of his life having to...be the man. It's not all bad.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> I couldn't believe it had to be asked, either. I thought this was something everyone just ...knows.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Eh... I just moved my family up to Maryland with me a couple weeks ago. We had been living separate for almost a year because of a combination of pandemic and military orders. 

I left at the end of August last year. They just got here on the 30th of July. 

I'm sure good sex can help in a lot of situations, but sex certainly had nothing to do with the reason we are still married...


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> We had been living separate for almost a year because of a combination of pandemic and military orders.


Thank you for your service.

Someone has to guard the wall.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> Eh... I just moved my family up to Maryland with me a couple weeks ago. We had been living separate for almost a year because of a combination of pandemic and military orders.
> 
> I left at the end of August last year. They just got here on the 30th of July.
> 
> I'm sure good sex can help in a lot of situations, but sex certainly had nothing to do with the reason we are still married...


Sounds like an assignment at Meade, which (in theory) should have you home quite a bit more often. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> So yeah, a "gentleman" can be dominant in the bedroom. The fact that the question is even being asked kinda baffles me.


It illustrates just how misinformed men were/are by Hollywood, media, the more extreme leanings of feminism, etc. 

Additionally, I can't count how many times I've read men younger than myself opine over bedroom dominance sounding rapey, both here and on other forums.



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> Sounds like an assignment at Meade, which (in theory) should have you home quite a bit more often.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Nailed it. 

It's possible that i could still deploy, but i would rather spend some time with my family before i get back to deployments. Deployments are covetted in this unit. I'm more inclined to let others take them.

My next(and last) duty station will almost certainly be with another SF group since i am airborne qualified, so i will almost certainly deploy again before i retire.

In an unrelated note, here is a fun fact i just learned yesterday: I'm in the following picture...









U.S. declares an end to the War in Iraq


In a ceremony held in Baghdad on December 15, 2011, the war that began in 2003 with the American-led invasion of Iraq officially comes to an end. Though today




www.history.com


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think good sex can save a marriage. Even when you’re overwhelmed and getting your butt kicked in life it can be the thing to keep that intimate connection between spouses.

Sleeping in the same bed is a close second perhaps. There’s been stages where my wife and I were too busy to have much time together but we’d still hold/touch each other all night. It’s an intimate connection requiring little to no effort.

Kinky dominance stuff... probably far better than indifference. Ignoring someone is probably the worst insult you can give.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> It illustrates just how misinformed men were/are by Hollywood, media, the more extreme leanings of feminism, etc.
> 
> Additionally, I can't count how many times I've read men younger than myself opine over bedroom dominance sounding rapey, both here and on other forums.
> 
> ...


The OP was siting a conversation about rough sex / ragdoll sex within the context of a loving relationship. It's an intriguing topic, also addressed by authors continuously recommended by men on TAM....


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Young at Heart said:


> I would wager that "domination" has as many meanings as there are people. I would say that most people like to be sexually desired by their partner. Having a partner clearly and sexually want you can be quite exciting. My wife ocassionally, likes it when I get really aroused and must have her. Sometimes she doesn't want that at all, but every now and then she has told me that seeing me that aroused at her allows her to feed off of my passion to help her get aroused. Very little dominance in what we do, but passion and confidence might be a substitute for some.


I agree with this. My husband’s passion turns me on. He sometimes pins my arms, etc. but not painfully and will stop if I tell him too. I like him to be sexually aggressive. However pain is a turn off and so is degrading sex, which he would never do anyway.


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