# confused, sad and downright desperate



## confusedwife1324

Hello, I'm new to this site but have done a little bit of reading.. This is going to be a long post so I apologize in advance but hope you will take the time and hopefully I can get a little advice. 
So, my husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for almost 6. We have a 2 year old son and another son on the way due in just a couple more months. Last month we were going through a lot of problems around us but not problems I realized with our relationship. We were in the process of losing our house, our bank accounts were levied and we were just all around having financial issues. We had a roommate/nanny living with us, a girl I became close with very fast and confided in her and trusted her. After I was pregnant for a few months I noticed my husband was spending more and more time with her and staying up late drinking with her when I would have to go to sleep or was working late. I started to get jealous but blamed it on the hormones because I thought they both wouldn't do that to me, especially while I'm pregnant. A month ago we had to move in with his mother and 2 days after we moved in I had a bit of an emotional breakdown after a doctors appointment to check on baby and I got news of gaining too much weight. I wasn't gaining a ton super fast but my doctor wanted to see me gain a pound or less each month. I made the mistake of taking my husband and the roommate with us because she wanted to hear the babys heartbeat. She made a point to make me feel like crap and make it seem like I eat like crap and drink soda all day long when really I work 8+ hours a day and rarely eat. Anyway when we got home that night my husband was more concerned with her and what she was doing and how she was feeling rather than my emotions and why I was so upset. I told him that evening in bed that I wasn't sure if I could live with her anymore. (She had made it a point when we got home that evening to put on minimal clothing and keep my husbands attention) his only response to that was "I thought you might be thinking something like that" The next day we both got up for work at the same time, didn't say a word to each other and both left. I had a breakdown at work and had to be put on disability because I couldn't control myself and my emotions. That day he came home on his lunch break and told me he wanted a divorce. He said he wasn't sure if he ever loved me and told me he married me out of pity. I of course was a wreck after hearing these things, and it felt like he all of a sudden wanted to push me as far away as possible and said things I never thought he would say to me. I always thought we had a great relationship and could talk about anything. I loved him unconditionally with my whole heart and I still do and will do anything to go back to the way it was. 

Also about 6 months ago he started a no carb diet and has lost about 60 lbs while I'm gaining weight being almost 7 months pregnant. I composed myself after some time and we have been spending a lot of time together seeing as we still have to live together at his mothers until we get on our feet. I asked him random questions here and there and have discovered a big part of this is how fantastic he feels about himself after the weight loss and he wants to share himself with other women. I told him I might be ok with us opening our marriage, because we talked about it before I found out I was pregnant and I decided it wasn't a good time because our son is still so young, then found out there's another on the way and decided it was an awful time to think about opening our marriage. Anyway, about 2 weeks after he told me about the divorce I asked him since we are still living together if we could still have sex, with this pregnancy I have been unbelievably horny most of the time and there are times when I can't get enough. He agreed that that would be ok as long as we both understand it wont fix things it's just sex. We've been having sex almost every night and it has been amazing. We are getting along fantastically although I never really thought we didn't get along well before. We haven't been affectionate toward one another besides that including no 'i love yous' and no kissing. I have been really missing kissing him so last night I asked him if he was never going to kiss me again. his response was "I don't know" then just a couple minutes later he kissed me and said goodnight. 

I feel like he still loves me when he looks at me and I don't see my future without him. I feel like we can come out of this stronger than we've ever been and I want him to change his mind. We don't talk a lot about the divorce or where we will be living when we get on our feet but I feel like I don't want to lose my husband and I don't want my family split apart especially with how small our boys are now. 

Any advice? Tips? Anyone who can tell me whats going on in that mans head? Anything will be appreciated.

THANKS!


----------



## confusedwife1324

anyone?


----------



## nickgtg

I'm sorry, he doesn't love you. Of course things have been great between the both of you, he gets all the sex he wants with you without knowing he wants a divorce. You can bet he was/is sleeping with the girl that lived with the both of you.

He's having his cake and eating it too. The worst part? You're shoving that cake right down his throat. If he wants a divorce then give him one. Tell him he can move out, take his g/f with him, and talk with a lawyer asap.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By confusedwife
> 
> We had a roommate/nanny living with us, a girl I became close with very fast and confided in her and trusted her


.
*First mistake*




noticed my husband was spending more and more time with her and staying up late drinking with her when I would have to go to sleep or was working late.
*HUGE red flag. Man and woman drinking when wife is away? * 





Anyway when we got home that night my husband was more concerned with her and what she was doing and how she was feeling rather than my emotions and why I was so upset

*Results of a cheating husband and the mistakes you both made earlier*




She had made it a point when we got home that evening to put on minimal clothing and keep my husbands attention) his only response to that was "I thought you might be thinking something like that"

*Blatant disrespect for you, and your children!*







I told him I might be ok with us opening our marriage, because we talked about it before I found out I was pregnant and I decided it wasn't a good time because our son is still so young, then found out there's another on the way and decided it was an awful time to think about opening our marriage. 

*Your view of a committed marriage is perverted*





Anyway, about 2 weeks after he told me about the divorce I asked him since we are still living together if we could still have sex

*Looks like a very weak and desperate woman that will compromise and will soon be a door mat*



You have no idea how a committed marriage is to work. You need a complete overhaul of your views on marriage and I would advise to not trust in your judgment any more. *You need to find people that have many years of successful marriage and then you adopt their way of conducting their marriage and their choices.*

As for your marriage right now you are in deep trouble. Your husband is looking at his pleasure more than everyone including his own children. He is probably deep into his selfishness and you are too weak to change him. He will only consider changing if he is given a very heavy jolt. *Your best bet is to start today to get a LOT more self reliant because you are probably going to be divorced and left on your own.*

*You need to get a LOT more self independent in your finances and your emotions.* You may not like my advice because it requires you to do a LOT tough work on YOU! If you do the hard work and get yourself more self reliant then you will not have to compromise to the point of allowing your spouse to bang another woman? *How pathetic!*


My advice? YOU get to working on YOU to make you a better person because you will be dragged down even more by your selfish husband in the days ahead. 
* What other choices do you see?*


----------



## EleGirl

I'm confused.... you two are living at his mother's house. It sounds like this girl is living there as well. Why is she living there with you?

Have you told your MIL what is going on?

Having sex with your husband while he's having an affair and saying that he is going to leave you makes no sense. You are rewarding him for his bad behavior.

Where is your family in all of this? Do they know what's going on?

I suggest you get the book "Surviving an Affair", read it. It will tell you what to do. Also, take a look at the 180 link in my signature block. After you read the book, it's a quick read, interact with your husband according to the 180.


----------



## confusedwife1324

Thank you for your replies. I know I seem weak and like I'm letting him walk all over me. I am looking into my future without him, looking at rental properties with just enough room for me and two babies. I have never lived on my own, I have been with my husband since I was 17 years old and the thought of not having him by my side and him being too selfish to consider his boys is extremely hard on me. I am trying to be as pleasant as possible and kind of show him what he will be missing although I know it probably wont work. The sex with him is more for myself then him, although I'm sure he's thoroughly enjoying it. I know plenty of people who have open relationships and the thought crossed my mind months ago, I thought we both needed a little excitement and a little more freedom. Throughout our relationship I always tried to get him to go out and do things but he never wanted to do anything now all of a sudden he does. 

The girl that was living with us moved out the day my husband said he wanted a divorce. I blame her a lot even though I know there are things I need to work on about myself, I feel like if she wasn't there he would have talked to me about our issues rather than her. 
My MIL knows everything that's going on I have an extremely close relationship with her. 
After all the things my husband has said that were hurtful he is adamant that nothing happened with the roommate although I'm sure the thought crossed his mind. If he's being so honest about everything else and really trying to push me away and cut my feelings for him wouldn't he tell me that he cheated? Deep down inside I don't believe he did but I do feel like it was just a matter of time before he did.


----------



## confusedwife1324

I feel like the man I have loved for the last 8 years is still there. I don't know what's taken over him in the last few months to turn him into such a mean person but I know this isn't him. I have faith in him and love him with all my heart and want nothing more than to have my family together and be his wife.


----------



## doubletrouble

Of course the thought crossed his mind to bang that other girl. Harsh as parts of Blunt's post may have sounded, you should have seen that one coming seven miles away. But you seem young and inexperienced, and we're veterans of love and war here. 

Please read this forum. Concentrate on the CWI and Reconciliation threads. Learn what others are doing in their marriages. Opening your marriage to other people, considering the willpower you seem to lack, is a perfect recipe for destroying your marriage. You will continue to let this man walk all over you till your heart is so flat you take the rest of your life to recover from it. 

He's not the man you THOUGHT he was. He's showing you today who he really is.


----------



## Feelingsadnlonely

Female roomate = bad idea from the start.

Open marriage = destroying your marriage. 

Your H most likely had something going on with this female roomate for sure. 

I do feel really bad that you are in this situation. Especially with your little one and one on the way. Please don't stress yourself out as it could be bad for the baby. And bad for you too.


----------



## confusedwife1324

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> Female roomate = bad idea from the start.
> 
> Open marriage = destroying your marriage.
> 
> Your H most likely had something going on with this female roomate for sure.
> 
> I do feel really bad that you are in this situation. Especially with your little one and one on the way. Please don't stress yourself out as it could be bad for the baby. And bad for you too.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## confusedwife1324

I do feel like he did/does have an emotional relationship with her at the very least. Since this happened I looked at phone records and they called eachother multiple times a day and had conversations sometimes over an hour long so I'm not denying somethin was going on there I just honestly believe it hasn't gotten physical yet. I have hope for us. I probably shouldn't but I do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

Most people who cheat lie about it. He is not likely to tell you anything that you do not find out on your own.

As I said earlier, get the book "Surviving an Affair". It will help you out a LOT.


----------



## confusedwife1324

*Update*

We separated early April and on fathers day my husband asked if he could take me on a date. We didn't live apart and our relationship didn't change much except that he was a lot less open and honest with me and we stopped saying I love you during our "separation". We went on our date a few days after fathers day and I was extremely happy. After we went out we took a walk up to the river near our house and got to talking. He was open and honest about things he had not been honest about during the separation, he had gone on a couple dates and was talking to a few women and all that did was make him realize he already has a wife that loves him and is carrying his child. He is still adamant that nothing happened with the ex roommate and I believe him. I know I am going to have to work on trusting him again but for now, I love that we are together again and working it out. I am overjoyed that I don't have to constantly think about raising my boys on my own and feeling abandoned by my husband. When all of this first took place I knew it was him losing himself, I've known this man almost a decade and for him to suddenly switch gears and try to change who he was as a person was so out of the ordinary for him. There has been so much constant stress and worry in our lives and this last year has been the hardest on both of us and everyone around us. I knew it wasn't him saying the things he said and doing what he did, he just lost himself and needed to find him again.. I had a couple friends tell me not to go back to him but I feel like it is my job as a wife to stand by him, support him, pick him up when he's down, and be strong when he can't. I'm not sure if he still wants to date other people or is still considering an open marriage but for me right now while my children are so small I think it's a bad idea to try to do that, we both don't even have enough time for each other so trying to find time for anyone else will just push us apart. So for now, we are working it out and our baby will be here in about a months time and hopefully we can fall in love all over again! 

Thanks again to everyone who wrote responses on here.


----------



## doubletrouble

I wish you all the best, and your child as well.


----------



## Stretch

Good luck, you might want to figure out what emotional excitement he was getting from his EA's and try to fill that roll so he goes to you instead of other women.

I hope things work out for you,
Stretch


----------

