# My Man Code



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

All this beta/alpha talk, in conjunction with some marital issues of my own, has caused me to take interest in developing MY man code. This isn't a alpha/beta thing with some subjective endearments, but rather a code that I plan to live by. 

I'm still working on it, defining what's really important to me, and who I want to be in life. I'm curious what your Man code is... What set of rules do you live by? What set of rules would you like to live by? 

I'm just curious what everyone's thoughts were on their individual code of ethics. For most of my life, religion has dictated this to me. However, not being much of a believer today has caused me to really rethink life, consequently, what I want out of it. 

Here is what I have so far: 

My MAN Code:
•	Always be the one to approach first. Don’t wait for others to approach you. 
•	Don’t tolerate disrespect. Shut it down as soon as it begins. Don’t Fear Confrontation.
•	Integrity is number 1. Never compromise your integrity to get ahead or out of a sticky situation.
•	Treat everyone with equal respect. If respect is not given to you, it is not doled out to them. 
•	Be the decision maker. Indecision is a sign of weakness. Weighing alternatives is fine, but only go one or two layers deep. 
•	Always have a plan/goal. Approach life with specific intent. 
•	Always lead. Follow when appropriate, but only follow strength. 
•	Find comfort in being uncomfortable. Situations that push us always come with a level of discomfort.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

"Forgive an insult and you encourage the commission of many"
Heh, forgot who said that, but that's a nice quote.

Good on ya for making up your own personal man code. I had my own since I was 16. Better this way then to follow this alpha/beta stuff when what makes a real man in the end is not one or the other - but the good things of both, and none of the bad.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> "Forgive an insult and you encourage the commission of many"
> Heh, forgot who said that, but that's a nice quote.
> 
> Good on ya for making up your own personal man code. I had my own since I was 16. Better this way then to follow this alpha/beta stuff when what makes a real man in the end is not one or the other - but the good things of both, and none of the bad.


one of the most damaging things my parents ever told me... the exact opposite of your quote above ^. They said when people are making fun of me, to laugh with them, even if it was at me. Looking back now, I can see how this very simple thought (i know why they told me - to not let things like that bother me) but the laugh with them part gave them all the permission in the world to disrespect me. It's no wonder I didn't have much self esteem growing up. I basically told people to make fun of me. They never encouraged me to stand up, but rather to cower and run away. To remove my self from situations like that. Thanks mom and dad


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Here are a few more:

•	Live your financial life in a way that prepares for a family with opportunity. 
•	Take pride in every endeavor. If it’s not worth doing 100%, it’s not worth doing at all. 
•	Own yourself. Emotions. Feelings. Thoughts. Esteem. YOU influence all of these 100%. 
•	Treat your relationships as the second most important thing to you. You are #1.
•	Your physiological state is indicative of your psychological state. Take care of your body.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I read once that Jesus said to turn the other cheek.

Still relevant ?


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

^ nope. not at least in my situation. that just tells people to give you some more ... "thank you sir, may i have another"


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

i should add that doesn't mean retaliate either... but shut it down. not encourage it. however you do that, make sure that's the end result.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think conflict can be avoided without fear.

Confrontation can be diffused.

Most of the time one doesn't have to have a line in the sand moment. Being smarter in strategy and tactics have taken me farther than conflict ever has.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

^ absolutely. no argument there.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

okay two more:

•	No one, regardless of status or looks is better than you. We are all human beings, and in that respect, completely the same. 
•	Immerse yourself in life. Try something new every week. Never turn down a “never done” opportunity.


anyone else, feel free to chip in with your own thoughts... i'd like to see what everyone else guides themselves by...


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## betta (Nov 13, 2012)

You know, it's often forgotten, but a man can be both agentic and emotional. I think you're selling life short, and selling people short. If you continue to feel that everyone is hostile, which is what I'm hearing in your statements, I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to someone that can help you.

Black and white thinking doesn't help anybody, most especially you.


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## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

Here's one - what do you think "do not forsake your honour"


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

betta said:


> You know, it's often forgotten, but a man can be both agentic and emotional. I think you're selling life short, and selling people short. If you continue to feel that everyone is hostile, which is what I'm hearing in your statements, I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to someone that can help you.
> 
> Black and white thinking doesn't help anybody, most especially you.


appreciate the input, but i think your perception is incorrect. the man code i'm writing is about getting my balls, courage, integrity, confidence, etc, back.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

mattyjman said:


> Here is what I have so far:
> 
> My MAN Code:
> 
> •	Don’t tolerate disrespect. Shut it down as soon as it begins. Don’t Fear Confrontation.


Only one I have an issue with is #2. In my youth I would agree with you. But as I've aged, sometimes you just got to let some things go. Not worth the hassle at times, especially if it's some stranger I don't know and probably won't ever meet again.

Getting shot by a young snot nosed kid isn't worth saving my dignity and respect. I know who I am and what I am, if someone disrespects me, whatever. Don't know you, don't care about you. Call me a coward all you want, don't care. Now 15-20 years ago, I probably would have said taking a bullet or knife was better than being disrespected at least I wasn't a coward and didn't back down and I'm a real man.

A real man knows when to walk away.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Only one I have an issue with is #2. In my youth I would agree with you. But as I've aged, sometimes you just got to let some things go. Not worth the hassle at times, especially if it's some stranger I don't know and probably won't ever meet again.
> 
> Getting shot by a young snot nosed kid isn't worth saving my dignity and respect. I know who I am and what I am, if someone disrespects me, whatever. Don't know you, don't care about you. Call me a coward all you want, don't care. Now 15-20 years ago, I probably would have said taking a bullet or knife was better than being disrespected at least I wasn't a coward and didn't back down and I'm a real man.
> 
> A real man knows when to walk away.


this is true... i assumed that when i said this that it would be from people that are/should have a level of respect. ie wife, people i call friends, subordinates, etc. 

and i also do believe in picking battles. not every single one is worth it.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

*Money comes and goes But your name lasts forever
*Protect our family no matter what
*Never snitch


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

added another one to the list today... it's been a while since i've visited this, but i thought i would share...

•	Don’t fret about the past. It’s the only constant in life that’s unmovable. Learn what you can from it and then move forward.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

oh, and one more...

•	Failure is simply failing to try. Trying and failing isn’t failure at all, it’s a step towards success.


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## Ghost88 (Dec 9, 2012)

Jeez. lot's of rules. How do you keep them all straight? And honestly if I applied half of them to work I would not have built a multimillion dollar business. 

You know what is right - do it and thrive, fail and not. Pretty F'ing simple.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Ghost88 said:


> And honestly if I applied half of them to work I would not have built a multimillion dollar business.


how would these have kept you from being successful? I'm curious how you would quantify that. I see these as governing rules that would HELP me be successful, not torpedo my potential for success...


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## Ghost88 (Dec 9, 2012)

I realize my response my have sounded flip, and apologize for that. The issue I have with the set of rules is that they put you in a position of always needing to assess relative strength/weakness/respect etc. I think when you need to try that hard to be alpha you run a risk of always being combative. 

My MAN Code:
•	Always be the one to approach first. Don’t wait for others to approach you. 
•	Don’t tolerate disrespect. Shut it down as soon as it begins. Don’t Fear Confrontation.
•	Integrity is number 1. Never compromise your integrity to get ahead or out of a sticky situation.
•	Treat everyone with equal respect. If respect is not given to you, it is not doled out to them. 
•	Be the decision maker. Indecision is a sign of weakness. Weighing alternatives is fine, but only go one or two layers deep. 
•	Always have a plan/goal. Approach life with specific intent. 
•	Always lead. Follow when appropriate, but only follow strength. 
•	Find comfort in being uncomfortable. Situations that push us always come with a level of discomfort.​
Take the first one - should I always being looking for disrespect so I know when to shut it down? And what does shutting it down involve?

The second - it assumes that if someone doesn't respect you you should not respect them. Two problems. First, am I always right in assessing a relative level of respect? Second, did I actually earn their respect?

Hopefully you get me drift here. I am highly competitive, both professionally and in the sports I engage in - boarding mountain biking, triathlons, racing motorcycles. I am also highly competitive and clearly the leader at work. But especially at home and at work I need to temper that with understanding, compassion, and a lot of other softer skills. I guess to put it in real alpha terms - velvet glove and an iron fist only when absolutely needed.

To sum it up, I think your code should be all about yourself (which you control). Not you in relative relation to other people.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Ghost beat me to it. I don't have a list but I know that the only thing I can control is me. I decide how what you do effects me. If you treat me badly, its a reflection on you, not me. In a way you have just told me what kind of a person you are and "thank you for that"...now I can move on and leave you behind. Eckhart Tolle's - The Power of Now is great on this. Additionally, honesty and integrity are selfish virtues. What I mean, is that I do them for myself because they make me feel good about me. They are not things I owe anyone else (maybe the only thing I took from Ayn Rand). As such much my commitment to them are much greater then might be otherwise. Next, I don't need you to like me. I bring positive energy....if you do also then we'll probably get along and want to spend time together. If not, life is too short and I'm moving on. Lastly, you meet all kinds and you don't always have the luxury of cutting someone out. In those situations be like water. Be flexible (within reason) to accommodation someone's rough edges and create a workable situation. My business isn't multimillions yet...but I'm working on it. ;o)


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> My MAN Code:
> •	Always be the one to approach first. Don’t wait for others to approach you.
> •	Don’t tolerate disrespect. Shut it down as soon as it begins. Don’t Fear Confrontation.
> •	Integrity is number 1. Never compromise your integrity to get ahead or out of a sticky situation.
> ...


Personally I think some of these fit being a man and others fit being the alpha definition. So yea integrity, respect for self and others, being decisive, making tough decisions, being a friend, husband, father that can be counted on, etc are all good.

Other things like being the leader in a room or being confrontational don't suite my personality and I would be a poser and transparent trying to puff my chest out. I'm happy being a man somewhere between alpha and beta.


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