# Are some people just not cut out for marriage/monogamy?



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Like I'm sure many of you guy's spouses have led you to believe, my stbxh was the one who wanted to get serious and spoke about having a future with me before we even became engaged. We had very similar plans about what we wanted out of life which is partly what attracted me to him and vice versa. 

What gets me is why suddenly a year after marriage (after he convinced me to join the army to support us while he was medically discharged... I had just finished basic training and AIT) that he started to think twice about it all. He suddenly felt restricted and then out of nowhere ALL of our plans suddenly went out the window and we wanted different things. Of course he ended up cheating and whatnot....then left me 2 months ago. He went as far as backdating our separation so we can get the divorce over with quicker...which is fine with me. 

So...he thought he was cut out for this life but then realized the opposite. ..did something really change or was he fooling himself and me from the get go and deep down isn't just married material? Do such people really exist or are they simply not ready for this type of commitment?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

I know some people that openly state that they aren't cut out for/don't believe in monogamy. They believe it goes against the natural animal instincts of human beings.

I don't agree, but some people just aren't wired that way.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Some people aren't wired for monogamy. Many don't even know it because monogamy is the only message most people hear from society, institutions, family, friends, media, etc., so don't know there are alternatives other than not marrying and playing the field.

Monogamy isn't natural (although it is in the spectrum of human mating styles), but it does work for plenty of people. Of course, plenty of people try it and can't do it. Even when they don't cheat, they end up doing serial monogamy.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

For some people it works, but I do think for some people, they're just not wired for it -- at least, not in terms of a life-long commitment.

To make a life-long commitment, and for it to work, both partners really have to know themselves, and be honest with one another. A lot of people can't do that. They also have to be realistic, and disabuse themselves of the fairy-tale happy ending that our society is so determined to promote.

I'm definitely wired for it; I know myself well and I'm nothing if not honest. My STBXH is a serial monogamist, but he doesn't know himself well enough nor is he honest enough to have a life-long monogamous relationship/marriage. He expected the fairytale, and thought that it should happen without any work at all; I understood that relationships take work, investment, and compromise. He continually lied to try to keep the fairytale going, and I was honest with him about the problems and what we needed to do to fix them, when he thought they would just magically fix themselves.

Yeah, it's pretty obvious why it didn't work out.

I think we're socially conditioned to want and expect monogamy, but our society/culture (and I'm speaking specifically to Western/American society, culture) systemically conditions us to lack the skills/knowledge/tools necessary for a successful monogamous relationship. Ours is a culture of instant gratification, but a successful monogamous relationship is one that grows slowly, over time. Our culture promotes "me, me, me," (very navel-gazing), when a successful monogamous relationship is far more than that; it's about you, but also your partner, and being a team and partnership, which frequently means putting your partner's needs first and making compromise. Our culture can be very materialistic and superficial, but in a monogamous relationship, you have to get more than skin deep and allow yourself to be vulnerable and let that person know you better than anyone else, and respect that they're doing the same for you. Our culture is all about the big white wedding and keeping up with the Jones, when during that planning phase, a couple should really focus on planning their lives together, not debating wedding favors.


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