# How do you know if its over?



## Jackie83 (Jun 24, 2012)

I just tried to talk to my husband, I can't even do that any more. We have more problems than we can face. When we got married we were both in shape and into fitness. We both were active and wanted the same things. Now he has gained weight and never takes me anywhere. The only thing left we have is that we want the same things. We both want children and we both want financial freedom early in life. Sometimes it is the fact that I do deeply love him that keeps me here, sometimes it's the fact that a divorce would completely derail my path to financial freedom. We both had next to nothing when we got married, so it isn't like I married for money. We both work hard so we can not work so hard later.
I crave so badly to have the passion back. My marriage feels more like business partners than what it should be. Even if it is over in the love department, I'm not sure if I would leave because I have too much to lose. Besides that, I don't have a desire to be with anyone. I think I could honestly say I would be content with financial security and a vibrator. If that makes me evil than oh well. I held out as long as I could. He went from my best friend to someone I can't even speak to.
I feel so emotionally denied but too stubborn to leave, I really need to find a way to be happy again. I think I'm on the verge of just emotionally letting go.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Have you gone no contact with your other man yet? Until you do that, you haven't even really tried.


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## Jackie83 (Jun 24, 2012)

Well, it's not like I had an ongoing thing with this other guy. I just think he wants something with me. He sent me a text yesterday asking how I was, I thought it was an intro to let me know what was going on at work or maybe there was a problem. But as it turned out he was just wanting to see how I was doing because he was thinking about me. I really didn't feed into it. There is a part of me that wants to, but I am resisting. My husband is a good man but he is just so different than before. He refusing to see that he is doing anything wrong. I think that I just need to disconnect and stay where I'm at.


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## Jackie83 (Jun 24, 2012)

But about the other guy, he does work with me everyday. How can I just avoid someone who I see everyday? It would be like trying to avoid my husband.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Jackie83 said:


> Well, it's not like I had an ongoing thing with this other guy. I just think he wants something with me. He sent me a text yesterday asking how I was, I thought it was an intro to let me know what was going on at work or maybe there was a problem. But as it turned out he was just wanting to see how I was doing because he was thinking about me. I really didn't feed into it. There is a part of me that wants to, but I am resisting. My husband is a good man but he is just so different than before. He refusing to see that he is doing anything wrong. I think that I just need to disconnect and stay where I'm at.


I would suggest you consider that he isn't doing anything wrong, but rather that the other man stirred something inside of you that both you and your husband let disappear from your relationship. 

You could get it back, but your H needs your help to get to where you are so you can both have the passion you want. 

Or, you can just leave, but I bet you'll miss your H in time.

And, until you tell the other man to stop texting you, don't kid yourself - you are still expending some of your emotional energy on the other man, and if you are trying to fix your relationship at the same time - wow, no wonder you are tired.


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## Jackie83 (Jun 24, 2012)

You are right, I would miss him. I wouldn't be on here in the first place if I hadn't received that text yesterday and sort of liked the attention. I almost hate myself for liking the attention. I don't think ending an "almost EA" will be that hard. But just to be sure, should I just avoid him and let him just go the other way. How can you "break up" with someone when nothing has even happened? I still have to preserve some kind of working relationship.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

I'm newer. But your relationship sounds a lot like, mine. My Wife began to allow a co worker to have a flirty text convo with her. I assume there was harmless flirting in person, but when it progressed to texts, it crossed the line. Luckily I caught it right away. As the husband I did a couple things, I said end it now, or we are done. She did, saying hamrless flirting is nowhere near worth losing our marriage. Then I read no more mr nice guy and found out my part in the problem which led to her feeling the need to feel excitement somewhere else. she works with this guy too. She has managed to maintain no contact. She figured it out, so can you. You just don't want to. You could easily tell this guy, you have both crossed the line, you want your marriage more than anything else. Trust me, you can get it done.

Sounds like he has resentment towards you. How long ago was this, did he find out? How? can you help fill me in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jackie83 (Jun 24, 2012)

He doesn't know, there really hasn't been any texting going on back and forth. He texted me for the first time yesterday and I feel terribly guilty that I liked it. I know my marriage is slipping away but I can't get him to see that he is partly responsible. I want to work on our marriage and I've been trying for over a year actually but things are progressively getting worse. The only thing my husband ever complains about is that he doesn't like to argue with me. He doesn't see how he does things which to me are disrespectful and polarizing. Example one of his female friends had a boyfriend who was being very rude to me at a wedding. He couldn't hear it, all he knew is I turned to him two different times to tell him this guy is a complete jerk. He made us leave early and told me I humiliate him. He never cared or even considered the possibility that this guy was being rude to me. So not only did I feel like Michelle(his friend) and her boyfriend were against me, I felt like my husband was against me too. He expects me to just get over it but I can't. He just acts like I'm some crazy person who is just pissed all the time for no reason and wishes I would just quit. Believe me, all I want is my husband, but I want to be respected too.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

Well know this, you are only getting excited from the text because he's giving you attention you don't seem to be getting at home. Remind yourself, its not real attention. If this other guy really was worth anything, he won't persue you while you are married. But you have to do what you have to do. If you aren't in a marriage that is full of love and happiness, and you've tried everything you can, then its ultimatum time. But you have to follow through. Tell him its time for a change or you're done. And real change, nothing that reverts back to normalcy in a month.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Jackie , stop it now, the OM is fishing for you and you know it. 

As for you husband, if he won't listen to words, then its going to take action. Don't use the the OM to shake him up. Let him know the marriage is at risk, give him a time period to work on it. Say 6 months. Let him know if you don't see improvement by then you'll take action with out him. No bluffing, just file. Will that work for you?


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## Jackie83 (Jun 24, 2012)

Ok, I'll try that. I'll leave this OM alone. I know it isn't real. Six months is more than enough time to see improvement if he wants to change. I looked up a different MC to see if that will make a difference. I hope that my future post on here are happy ones. I think I'm going to try to call him again in a couple of hours and approach things differently. Ok, wish me luck!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I do wish you the best.

If you do that, then you can feel good you did your best. Remember you can only change you, you can't change him. Only he can do that.

And do the reads suggested.


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## Jackie83 (Jun 24, 2012)

I spoke to my husband today, he doesn't want to see a MC and he doesn't want to try any more. He wants a divorce, he says he is filing tomorrow. I'm not sure what to think about it. I don't know if this is for the best. I'm not sure where to go after this. I never imagined he would just give up or that I wasn't always going to be a part of him. I feel like I lost all of who I am just now.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I do not understand, just two days ago he was content in the marriage and now he's filing for divorce because you tried to talk to him?

It really sounds like there is something bigger going on here, but none the less very sorry to hear the news.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Jackie83 said:


> *I feel like I lost all of who I am just now.*


No you did not! You were working your as off and he didn't give $0.02. You knew something was wrong with him. You just forced his hand and he finally had to tell you what he was hiding. Now your emotions are going to off. Your going to feel sick, then your going to get angry. Make an appointment with the Chaplin or counselor. Do it now.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.


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## Jackie83 (Jun 24, 2012)

Yeah, I think there might be someone else. Now that I called him again, I think he may be interested in someone else. I think the only difference between my situation and his, when I first received the first text from the OM, I felt extremely guilty. He wants to leave, I can't believe it. This hurts so bad.


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