# How to get husband to rely on me-not EA



## committed1217

My husband is in an EA but doesn't see it that way. He is depressed and feels that she is his only friend. She gives him support. She has counselled him to detach from me, so that he can work on his own happiness. He is quite unable to see how wrong that is. When I talk to him about it he admits that he was always happy with me, and that his only happy moments now are when the two of us do something together, however, she keeps reinforcing to him that he must leave me to be happy. So yesterday he officially left. This is very painful for me. I want him back more than anything. OW is really messing with his head. He needs to see a Dr. and maybe anti-depress. meds but he won't go. It is almost like he is under her 'spell'. She is a social worker, so she tells him he is getting prof. advice. She is also in a bad marriage and is planning on leaving her husband. 
He says he is leaving because I keep bringing up that he is having an affair. He can't stand my snooping and suspicions. He wants to stop fighting and feels no spark for me because have hurt him with my mistrust. 
I have done all this. I have snooped and yelled and cried etc for months. But I have also discovered secret emails, thousands of text messages (each month) secret names they use to communicate etc. So I know I am not crazy about this being an affair. My problem is, he can't see it and right now, she is his lifeline. I don't believe there is any physical attraction for him. He really believes she is a good friend and the only one who listens to his troubles. I also believe she is pursuing him for her own.

So, any ideas on how to begin 'wooing' him back to me? I know right now, my only hope will be to put my anger and hurt aside and help him heal first. Then after he is healed, I can work on me. 
No R talks, pleasant interactions etc but anything else. Specifically to heal his pain and look at me as a woman who adores him and not as one who has hurt him? He still wants to do things together each day and we work together, so I will have plenty of opportunities. He just wants to be good friends so he won't get hurt anymore. He says he feels dead inside and in order to survive, he needs to harden his heart from me to prevent anymore pain.


----------



## waiwera

committed - justpuzzled is so right. 

You can't nice him out of this affair and your wooing won't work. He has someone else fulfilling that need for him right now.

THE very best most attractive and sexy thing you could do right now would be too... do the 180.

I know it's the opposite of what you want to hear but you have to give him a chance to miss you for him to miss you.

Wooing him, begging, pleading is totally unattractive to a WS...it makes them want to run away.

You being dark and mysterious and doing your 180 will peak his curiosity more than any wooing. Any person 'looking' in control and confident is attractive... needy isn't.

The biggest bonus is that YOU and your children will benefit from you doing this 180. You'll be eating well, exercising, doing fun things with the kids and family/friends, being busy...

YOU have to look after YOU.... no-one else will.

But be kind to your self...this is still so raw and painful.


----------



## unbelievable

This man is an adult, capable of making his own decisions, capable of accepting responsibility for his actions. This woman doesn't have magical powers over him and neither do you. You (should) have zero control over him. A woman can't love a man she doesn't respect and she can't respect a man she can control. The only love worth having is the kind freely given. There are no magic spells or techniques to "make" someone love you. If there were, would you really use them on someone else? If he thinks his toast is buttered on the other side, let the cheating louse go. If you've got things that need work (and we all do), attend to those. You do have control over those. If this relationship is meant to be and he's worth having, he'll be back. Not sure why you'd want a lying cheater, but you'll probably get your chance at some point to carry on with this guy. He's getting space from you, not to "work on his happiness" but to get the freedom to disrobe Miss Thang and pretend to be single for a while. Forget about helping him "heal". Knocking boots with another woman isn't a disease or an injury. It's just a choice. He wants to "be friends" with you because you're a back-up plan in case this business with Miss Thang doesn't work out. I personally wouldn't be willing to sit in the second fiddle seat. If I can't be number one with a woman, I'll be number "gone".


----------



## committed1217

How do I do the 180? I feel like all I want to do is hang on and try to make things right between us. How does one just detach? What do I do with all these feelings and fears? I keep replaying everything over and over in my head. I don't know how something so good has gone so bad. I know I am at my weakest now, I just am not sure how to pull myself out of the abyss.


----------



## hmotherw

Committed,

The thing is, if you really want your marriage - you better hold on for the wild ride. Right now, you are letting him have both. 

It's not really a spell that she has over him; it's the feeling of a drug high. It's actually a chemical response in the body - to the feeling of this new person. It's very documented in affair articles. He isn't likely to want to give her up because it feels good like crack. But we all know crack isn't good for us.

Doing a 180 is about setting your boundaries. It's about making sure he understands that you aren't going to be there if he continues this. Do you really want to compete in your marriage?

My counselor said as long as she is fulfilling some of his emotional needs (talking, supporting) btw I call it manipulating - I will not be able to. SO, you have to stop fulfilling any needs - think about it - there is no consequence to his actions. He gets to have both - he gets to come over and laugh and have a good time at night, have time with his kids, give you hugs when he FEELS like it. Then he gets to go home to his moms house and call/text her and get to hear how wonderful he is. 

HE IS having an affair. I yelled and screamed too. Of course, he didn't want to hear about it anymore - I was calling him out on something that made him feel good. Never mind, how it made me feel, right? 

I know you don't want to take the hard line - but if you don't, they will keep talking. I promise you that. I tried it the nicey, nice way too - so I totally get it. It just made it last longer. 

If you get divorced, are you going to be nice? I am sure you will want to, but here's the real question: How nice are you going to be when he drives up with her in the car beside him? To pick up your kids....

You don't have to be rude, cold or *****y - you just have to stand up for yourself and set CLEAR boundaries. He is being selfish - and in the end, they will fail miserably. But how much damage are you going to do to yourself or your kids before you stand up and say HELL NO!

You want your family back sweetie - I promise you, as much as you think, it wont end until the affair fog is gone. He needs to be completely reliant on himself and see her for her true colors. But don't you worry about the woman, you worry about you. She isn't special. You are.

Here is what I did:

Week 1 & 2: I bought a new outfit. I put my makeup on (just like when we started dating). I curled my hair. I dropped the kids off to him at his moms for the weekend. 

"Wow, where you going?" he says. I say, "Out." Have fun with the kids! He says, "Where, out?" I say, "If you went to counseling, you would know you lost the right to ask me where I am going." Have a good weekend, see you on Sunday.

No never mind, that I drove about two blocks and pulled over crying. But, if we were divorced, I certainly wouldn't of told him where I was going. I made him wonder. 

Hugs!

PS. I know you are hurting and you feel if you could save that last little strand of marriage - so you hold on, so tight. Too much holding on and that strand will snap. Remember, you aren't alone, you aren't crazy and this will end.


----------



## committed1217

I hear what everyone is saying and my counsellor agrees. So, I guess I need a plan to do the 180's I think I will need to write them out and stick them all over my house for now. My instincts are to be kind and gentle with him, but I just seem to be getting hurt when I do that.
So, where should I be posting if I keep everyone up to date on my progress and ask for help along the way? I guess 'reconciliation' is not the right place as he has made it clear that he has no interest.


----------



## waiwera

committed - I feel you are 'Coping with Infidelity'. 
The CWI board is sadly also one of the busiest places on TAM.

I can see in the words you write 'kind and gentle' is who you are. You don't need to change who you are and be unkind but just be all business with him.... polite and pleasant but no loving chit chat and no pleading for him to come home. 

He has to come to this idea on his own.... if he does at all.

Does the OWH know your H has moved out?

(((hugs))) and don't forget to take care of yourself...you have to for your kids and yourself. Just the basics even...eat, sleep, have some fun everyday and go for walks to get some endorphins flowing the walking will help with your mood.


----------



## committed1217

Yes, OWH knows he moved out. If you recall, we are neighbours. I chatted with OWH and he told me that hours after H moved out, OW and him (OWH) had a long talk and she is willing to work on their marriage. They built a deck this weekend, so I had to look and listen to the both of them out there working together and talking. All this after she had spent months convincing my husband to leave us. Nice eh?
I will move back to CWI. When I can't sleep tonight (!) I'll update over there.
thanks again waiwera


----------



## Chuck71

180

The Healing Heart: The 180


----------



## whitehawk

Sorry about your sitch C. It sounds similar to my 7mths ago, in ways anyway.
This womens an absolute manipulating piece of dirt.
So now she has your hubby outa there , depending on her , waiting , her back ups in place now.
Meanwhile , hubbys talked her into another try ,she'll float along with that until she decides . 
She'll keep feeding your hubby enough crumbs to keep him on standby - she's a real sweetheart . 
Should talk to her hubby and show him all the stuff first of all , bet he has no idea.
He might blow a fuse and make her choose , she might choose him and without her maybe your hubby stops being fkd up and wants to come home.

Just thoughts , l'm no expert but l do know if there was something l could've hurt my w's shoulder to cry on with and put a dead stop to that , there's no way she would've separated .
Unfortunately though , he had nothing. No wife , no job it could hurt , short of violence there was nothing l could touch him with.
l also worried that if l did lose it and violence came into it , l'd be the bad guy with the way she was acting.
But you have something to work with . I'd be getting the stuff all ready , waiting till she's not home and talk to him .

ps , you'd have to be careful at first with him on how you come across l think to. You gotta get him in the door first or yourself , to look at all the stuff.
And darling w would've made you out to be the crazy w and she's just been helping your h professionally to get away from you.


----------



## committed1217

Hi Whitehawk- I did confront the OWH and he was aware of somethings but not to the extent of it. He is trying to save his marriage by being nice to her and not making any demands, so he is of NO HELP to ending the relationship between her and my H. So right now it seems like my hubby is her plan B, and I am my hubby's plan B. He wants to be "friends' with me. I am in counselling trying to figure out what I want and what I need to do.


----------



## whitehawk

Oh geez that's no good , sorry to hear that C.
Can't really blame him , can't really blame you either. lt's such a hurtful confusing, just wtf to do time l know it.
Do you think it would help to show him the real depth of it ?
l know it'd be hard.
When l first found out who my x's at the time , shoulder to cry on but later new bf was , it just made me sick.
l couldn't go near this guy it just made me sick. Wish he had a w though !


----------

