# Keep the addict/Leave the cheater...I am so confused



## HelpaNYlady

My husband and I have been together 8 years. During this time he was screwed up with drugs for a lot of it, but he was amazing in so many aspects. I loved him so much, I wanted so bad for him to get better. 

I financially took care of us (and still do) and did everything else I could for us and I was so supportive over his recovery. He finally went to rehab a year ago and was doing great when he came home. He wasn't working and was home all day except for NA meetings and was bored to death all the time. 

He slipped up a few times and used drugs (currently he relapsed and is now clean again for 2 days or so) which devestates me daily but I can deal with working on his recovery with him. 

What has me in gut wrenching pain is that I caught him cheating. I caught him through text messages and a phone message of a girl saying she loves him and that she is upset he hasn't returned her calls in months. He swears that he met her walking to the store and only hung out a few times and never had sex and that she started immediately telling him she loved him which scared him and he also says he felt bad about it and couldn't move further. He says he didn't intend on having sex with her at all and that he was bored and just got caught up in it for lack of aomething better to do. 

First let me say, I do not believe that they weren't intimate and even if they weren't I do not believe that when he gave her his number he wasn't looking to have sex. I believe that he doesn't have feelings for her and I do believe he is sorry and wants to be in our relationship and just never throught he'd get caught. 

I am totally sick over this. I have been there for him in every aspect of life and I can't believe he would go and "pick up" another girl. I am trying to forgive him, but I feel I will never be able to trust him again. I am a member of Al-anon for a few days now and honestly I joined to get strong enough to leave him, but I really do love him. 

I feel so betrayed and I am so angry. He is sorry and swears that he was just bored. We haven't had sex in 4 months and I wonder to myself if the reason is because he was having sex with her, but he says he wasn't and it was because the drugs make him lose his sex drive.

I told him I didn't want him to leave the home and I wanted to work it out, but as each day passes I feel further away from him. He feels I am making a big deal out of it because they didn't have sex, but I feel totally betrayed that he had the nerve to pick up a girl which we were working so hard to get over the drug thing. 

What hurts me most is that I really believed we were moving past the drug thing and he professed his love for me on a daily basis and in the background this was happening...I just feel so lost.

I know we have issues because of his drug use, but I really believe as a family, we can get through that because he is in recovery and working at it, but the cheating totally ruined me and I don't know how to get passed it. 

I would appreciate any advice..


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## str8insane

sorry for your pain..sounds to me he is moving from one addiction to another.as with me we as women who do everything for our men seem to get the short end of the deal.we are the only ones who stand beside them thru it all.but they seem to forget that and just fall into the arms of a stranger who knows nothing of their past & issues..i wonder if men truely think becuz we are loyal thru everything that if they cheat we will continue to be there.i'm bothered by his comment that he was bored..well there is a easy way to fix that..a job to help the pressure off you..what is the reason he is not having sex..the medicine..are you kidding me..4 months is an aweful long time to me being that your in the same house daily.something is not right with his actions.i would call that girl myself..dont be afraid of what your going to hear..you know already what is going on or you wouldnt be on here..good luck hun..


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## Cherry

Is your husband ADHD?


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## TwoDogs

HelpaNYlady said:


> I am a member of Al-anon for a few days now and honestly I joined to get strong enough to leave him, but I really do love him.


Just wanted to respond to this part because I joined Al-Anon years ago for exactly the same reason. And it worked.

Al-Anon principles will tell you not to make any major decisions, like leaving or staying in a relationship, until you have been in the program for at least 6 months. This is because your situation may look very different (or much clearer!) once you have been working the program for a while.

Keep attending Al-Anon, read the literature, get a sponsor.... it really DOES work. Good luck!


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## chumplady

Sweetie, this guy isn't bringing ANYTHING to the table. You support his recovery, you earn all the money, you stand by him through one relapse after the next AND unemployment -- and he cheats. 

I'm so glad you're in Al-Anon, because they'll really help you with codependency and understanding what you're getting out of this. (Ooh! Let me answer that! Not much.) Codependency, among other things, is the addiction to the POTENTIAL of things. 

He demonstrably is not a good partner. He's toxic really. He does drugs, he lies, he cheats on you. But you see signs of hope and try and stick out. Head is in competition with heart. Please listen to your head.

My brother is an addict. Sober 8 years, thanks to NA. He does meetings *every week*. He was very helpful to me when I left my cheating ex-husband. He said drugs, and affairs, are addictions and people who are broken (like him) need a TON of support to stay clean. Recovery is a lifestyle. He needs those meetings and that community to stay sober. 

That's just the drug addiction. Now factor in infidelity. There are GOOD men out there who do not need 12-step to be faithful to you. They will love you right. But you need to VALUE yourself and hold out for this kind of love and not accept poor treatment and addiction. 

My brother also told me addicts lie. I caught my ex. You caught yours. That's VERY different than them coming to you, confessing and doing the hard work to get right on their own. He has to WANT it -- sobriety, monogamy. But the thing with drugs and screwing around on the side is that it's a high. Deceit is a high. Drugs are a high. It's easy reward without the work. It's a big chemical pay off to your brain, without the life effort.

Drugs make people physically and morally lazy. They want the buzz. "Ordinary" life is very hard to adapt to. In my brother's words "Drugs work." They really make the world disappear, and make you high. Real life? Not so much.

Go find a grown up, grounded in the REAL WORLD. And please get strong and healthy and love yourself and leave this man. You can DO IT. You're dragging an anchor around and you don't even know it. When you cut him lose, you'll feel so much lighter. You're shouldering a great burden now, doing all that codependent heavy lifting for him. Put that energy into YOU. You're WORTH IT.


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