# BPD or not?



## Nuon (Jul 30, 2020)

Hi again,

So I largely suspect my wife has BPD, but the psychiatrist has not yet diagnosed her. I cannot speak to the psychiatrist due to language barriers, but I wrote a list of attitude points from our entire relationship, which I passed on to her psychiatrist - hopefully she will either get my wife to go over them, or she will be able to translate them somehow. I wanted to know if my suspicions sound correct, based on my experiences? Here is the list I wrote.

Self harming (cutting wrists deeply, and shallow cutting) The first time was 2 weeks before our marriage. We had a very pointless argument, but she wouldn't let it go, so I said I would go and stay at my mother's house for the night. As I was packing a bag, she cut her wrist. I had to rush her to the hospital.
Often placing blame on me, but being unable to tell me how it’s my fault
Asking me to choose between A or B, but always choosing the opposite of my suggestion. It got to the point where I just said not to bother asking me, because she would always choose the other option.
Telling the children things that make me seem weak (“He is mentally ill”)
For a long time, she would get angry at me over little things, “You left the light on”, “you left a plate on the table”, “you didn’t fold the laundry properly”, but she would do the same things herself.
Saying “Oh, it’s ALL my fault then”, or similar phrases after she has chastised me for something, and I point out that either I was not entirely to blame, or that it was her fault.
Threatening suicide if I leave
Even after I have asked to be alone, constantly invading my private space to repeat the same questions or behaviours
Treating me like a housemate, rather than a husband (not replying if I say “I love you”, or turning head away if I try to kiss her) this happened for 6 years from now
Lying about an affair, even when I was in tears and very distressed, but carrying on with the affair, then when I found out again, promising it was over, but finding out that she tried to contact the affair partner again
Telling me that I am horrible to the kids, but being unable to tell me how I’m horrible to them
Making me feel guilty about anything I do that she does not like
Trying to change her argument to get the answer she wants. I say “I’m leaving”, she says “If you leave, I can’t live”, I say “that’s your choice”, she says, “okay, I will leave then”, I say “no, I’m leaving”, she says “think of the kids”, I say “when were you thinking of the kids during your affair?”, she says “So this is all my fault then?”, I say “how is it my fault”, she says “well okay, it’s my fault 99%, but you have to accept that it is 1% your fault”, I say “what have I done then?”, she says “I don’t know… okay fine, it’s all my fault then, I’m a horrible human being, but I can’t change the past, I wish I could, but I can’t”, I say “yes, I have done things I regret in my life, but I can’t change them either”, she says “so you’ve made up your mind then?”, I say “yes I have”, she says “is there any chance you will change your mind”, I say “no”, she says “even 1% chance”, I say “I don’t think so”…. This is an example conversation we had. Many of the conversations go the same way, but before I found out about the affair, I would give up and just let her win.
Avoiding any intimate relationship for long periods, and even when we were intimate, it was passionless, or didn't feel the same.
Physically attacking me (almost maiming me in one recent attack, and hitting me)
Physically trying to stop me from leaving the house during an argument
Telling the children the opposite of what I tell them; if I say no, then she will say yes and vice versa. (Kids ask if they can watch TV, I say "yes", and then she retorts "no")
Overly Jealous (even just because of a video game, or speaking to somebody, or smoking) “You care more about that than me”, punishing me If I don’t follow her orders (sometimes giving me the silent treatment for days).
Smiling when either when informing me of bad news that affects me, or when I am distressed (first time I noticed this was when my best friend died, and she informed me about it she was smiling, another time when I began crying in pain when I found out about the affair, she was smiling as she lied about it)
Always wanting to know where I am going, and when I will be back, and if I am late, she will spend several days ignoring me and punishing me.
Calling me as soon as I had finished work, and asking if I'm on my way home, and how long it will take me.
She does not consider anybody to be a “true” friend who she can talk to. If I say to her to talk to someone who seems to be her friend, she will say “she is not my real friend”.
Erratic behaviour when drunk (attacking me, walking to the shop with no shoes on and cutting feet, self harming, trying to hang herself, threatening to kill herself, constantly giving me ultimatums “well if you do this, then I’m doing this”)
She had a very bad relationship with her father, which went on for over 10 years. She didn't speak to him at all over that period.
Her brother has a personality disorder, and may be sociopathic
Not long after we got married, she told me she married me because I am British. She changed her tune on that one, but it stuck with me.
She is normally not supportive of the things I do, or activities I want to do. University, jobs, hobbies, friends, socialising - I don't think she has ever supported, or celebrated anything I have done, or any of my achievements or sacrifices I made for the family to work.
If I am upset, she very rarely comforts me, and sometimes tries to make me feel worse by mocking me.
This is pretty much my experience in the relationship. The manipulation was there from the beginning, but most of this list started happening about 6 years ago. This was around the time that I had just finished university, and had just started my own business, so I was working, and travelling a lot.

I know I shouldn't have let her do all of this to me, and things should have ended when she cut herself two weeks before the marriage, but I always felt that things would improve, and that I just needed to work harder at things to fix them.

She is now on antipsychotic medication, but is yet undiagnosed, but the more I read into BPD, the more sense it makes in terms of my experiences in the relationship.

Are there any ideas as to how I can make the separation go as smooth as possible?

_Edit: I know that I cannot know for certain that she has it without a proper diagnosis, but just getting some kind of confirmation or rejection of my suspicions will help to ease my mind a little until she does get the diagnosis.

I was by no means a perfect partner, but no matter how I look at it, her treatment of me was not justified.

There are also more things I could add to this list, but these were the most difficult, and most prevalent parts._


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

It doesn't really matter what her proper diagnosis is, does it? I'd suggest not worrying about the label and focus on the fact that she is in need of help. This assumes that your own lens is accurate; someone who is themself BPD will often see the exact things you mention in their non-BPD partner. 

It is unfortunate that there are communication issues; this may go far beyond communicating with the psychiatrist if your wife's native language is not your own. The psychiatrist, even if he/she could communicate well with you, might not be willing to due to privacy issues. 

Both of you need individual counseling to figure things out. I don't think marriage counseling makes sense yet. And don't be "that guy" trying to fix his wife (raising my hand on that one). This is way beyond her or your capabilities to deal with.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> The psychiatrist, even if he/she could communicate well with you, might not be willing to due to privacy issues.


It is ok to receive input from third parties, but of course it should be evaluated w/ skepticism. So you're right, given that he might not consider it worth the bother. OTOH, disclosing a client's details to a third party is a huge no-no, unless the client has given permission.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

SpinyNorman said:


> It is ok to receive input from third parties, but of course it should be evaluated w/ skepticism. So you're right, given that he might not consider it worth the bother. OTOH, disclosing a client's details to a third party is a huge no-no, unless the client has given permission.


Yes, the psychiatrist can receive input from 3rd parties, but curiously they almost resist doing so. Even therapists, when involved in individual counseling, will often not respond to 3rd-party input. They may read it, but they won't respond. Because you are not their client. You end up feeling a bit left out of the process; the therapist is trying to make your partner better, and your relationship is causing things to become either better or worse, but the relationship is not the priority. To you, the relationship may in fact BE the priority. You may care more for your partner than for yourself. But it doesn't matter.


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## viciouscyclotron (6 mo ago)

This was a while ago... and I'm not a mental health professional, and with that caveat I think what you described checks all the boxes pretty thoroughly. 









Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) — Out of the FOG


Introduction Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious condition which is estimated to affect between 1-3% of the general population. Yet, despite being so prevalent, BPD is not commonly known about or understood. People who live in a relationship with a person who suffers from borderline perso




outofthefog.website





This link provided a huge awakening to me after 10 years with a BPD partner/spouse. I joined this forum to try to help myself move on and hope you're finding some peace!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> Yes, the psychiatrist can receive input from 3rd parties, but curiously they almost resist doing so. Even therapists, when involved in individual counseling, will often not respond to 3rd-party input. They may read it, but they won't respond. Because you are not their client.


Yes, that's pretty accurate. You can send information to the psychiatrist, but they probably can't enter into dialog with you (unless the patient is being detained). 

As a therapist (which is different) I am NOT diagnosing illness. And I'll read things people send me, but won't respond, and won't necessarily believe it all.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Nuon said:


> I wanted to know if my suspicions sound correct, based on my experiences?


Yes, if what you say is accurate, then it does sound like it could be BPD. Especially the following


Nuon said:


> self harming, trying to hang herself, threatening to kill herself,


This may be a real danger. Don't assume these threats will not be carried through. BPDs do hurt themselves. Be sure you know who you are going to call if she makes a serious attempt.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Zombie. Closed.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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