# No Intamacy



## betterorworse (Jan 26, 2011)

My husband has not had sex with me in over a year due to erectile dysfunction, however, I know that he watches porn. This has me frustrated and upset. I am at the end of my rope and tired of talking to him about getting some help. For the most part we have a good relationship and he is very warm and loving otherwise. I am a very sexual women and want to have sex with my husband, however, he rejects any advances that I make. What should I/we do?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Hmm.. heard that while masturbating a guy can be semi erect and that's enough, even for him to cum. Semi-erect and intercourse is almost out of the question.

There are other ways however for your husband to keep you satisfied and he should realize that.


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## Sucker (Jan 3, 2010)

When you say "not had sex", what do you mean by that?
Sex takes many forms, not just intercourse - oral, masturbation, mutual masturbation, use of sex aids, such as a dildo, vibrator, tickler..... the possibilities are endless.

Have you watched porn with him, fondled him, and let him play with you, while he watches?
If that's what he fantasizes over, then having a REAL, live body for him to touch might help both of you.


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## betterorworse (Jan 26, 2011)

When I say no sex, I mean none of the above. As for the porn, when I ask him about it, it turns into a heated discussion and when I try to reach out to him, he shuts down. He has had problems holding an erection due to medication that he is taking for a mild case of diabetes, however, we had a very active sex life before including oral sex, masturbation and played with sex toys, now he watches porn which makes me further isolate myself from him.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

betterorworse said:


> When I say no sex, I mean none of the above. As for the porn, when I ask him about it, it turns into a heated discussion and when I try to reach out to him, he shuts down. He has had problems holding an erection due to medication that he is taking for a mild case of diabetes, however, we had a very active sex life before including oral sex, masturbation and played with sex toys, now he watches porn which makes me further isolate myself from him.


Could have written this post myself...do you have a hidden cam in my house? 

My husband also suffers from ED due to medication issues. Has since 2000. Got worse after his brain injury in 2008. He also cruises a lot of porn and rejects me. 

Intercourse being semi-rigid doesn't work, the other poster is right and it is frustrating and begins to grade on your self-esteem, etc., I know this well.

My husband's counselor, who is a neuro-psychologist explained it to me this way...

A lot of men's sense of being a man and self-worth, unfortunately, is tied up in their sexual ability and ability to maintain an erection. When this fails, they begin to doubt their masculinity. With the advent of porn on the internet, they are able to watch and not be pressured to perform and be a man. There is no failure on the internet - and my husband feels like a failure when he cannot perform with me - even though we have discussed that and I've indicated time and time again that he is not a failure - that is how he feels and it doesn't matter what I say. His counselor says that it's easier for him on the internet because "they" don't expect anything and I as his wife, do.

So, I've decided to be patient and let things work out. Occasionally my husband will show that he is interested in a sexual life with me and it's those times that make me realize that he really misses it too, but cannot express it and cannot deal with it emotionally so he shuts down, which is typical for many men (not all, but many).

I don't know how he feels because I don't have this issue, being a woman, I don't have to get erect and perform for anyone. So while I don't understand this getting in the way of intimacy between a husband and wife, I realize, I'm not him, I don't have his problem and I don't know how it feels - so I'm going to be patient, not pressure him and help him work it out instead of being his adversary on the issue.

And yes, my husband gets defensive too - just something they can't discuss or deal with.

I've been there, am there and know how you feel. All I can offer you is to be supportive and patient - hard I know - but try to take the pressure off and be just loving and supportive. When you keep applying pressure, they start thinking that it is all you want them for (my husband has said this). So try to relax and be his "friend" and not his "enemy."

Easier said than done, I know - but I'm trying this approach myself and occupying myself with carving out more of a life separate from him so that I can be patient and supportive.

Good luck!


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

Thought I'd try and give you some suggestions from a male perspective... 

Have you tried ED drugs such as viagra or cialis? A lot of these can now be purchased over the counter at Rite Aid or CVS, common drugstores in the US. 

I know you said he shuts down when confronted about the porn but have you ever tried approaching it in a non confrontational way and maybe even watching porn together? For most women porn is not exciting, but there are quality films out there that have plots and are entertaining to watch. If this is what your husband is using to get off why not try to make it a part of how you get off together? Even if you are apprehensive about ED drugs watching adult films together and playfully trying some of what's going on could be helpful. 

I'm sure if you were able to clue into what kind of movies he is watching to create a fantasy for himself you could go out and get a couple movies that you might both be able to enjoy together... get some sexy lingerie, make him a nice dinner and when he gets home one night just surprise him... feed him and then take him to the bedroom and turn it on... how could any guy resist that? ED or not?


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## betterorworse (Jan 26, 2011)

Thank Dudley D for your supportive answer. It doesn't help that my husband is a really good man who will do anything in the world I need him to. I truly just don't know how long I can stay in a sexless marriage. He has finally agreed to counseling and we will see how that goes. Wish us luck :smthumbup:


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

Dudley, 

Cialis, Levitra or Viagra cannot be obtained without a prescription. You cannot buy them at a drugstore or over the counter.


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

Sierra61 said:


> Dudley,
> 
> Cialis, Levitra or Viagra cannot be obtained without a prescription. You cannot buy them at a drugstore or over the counter.


You're right... I think the ad I saw was for an OTC variation of those drugs.


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## lucky_guy (Jan 23, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Could have written this post myself...do you have a hidden cam in my house?
> 
> My husband also suffers from ED due to medication issues. Has since 2000. Got worse after his brain injury in 2008. He also cruises a lot of porn and rejects me.
> 
> ...


The councellor is right - its a huge part of the male psyche. I have ED as a result of prostate cancer surgery. It might improve over the next 12 months, it might stay the same. Either way, there are real implications for me, some being:

1. I can't satisfy a woman through penetration. There are other ways that some women prefer, but what does my wife think. Any conversation is going to be against a defensive backdrop

2. Having removed a huge male erogenous zone, how will I orgasm? It doesn't feel the same..... It's not the same. Think there might be some issues here? Find other ways. Get creative (we did).

3. How will I be percieved in life? It's a kinda dumb thought process, but since male sexuality appears to be bound up with having a 9" member, not having one can make you feel inadequate. Find other ways to be intimate and reassure your partner (DURING the proceedings and after) that its just as good, if not better. Screaming in pleasure would help. Find something that does the same for him.

Why porn? Because there is no pressure to do or be anything. And when you have ED, the slightest bit of mental pressure does NOT help at all.

Just some thoughts.


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