# Looking for hugs and advice



## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

Thanks to all for the inspiration on this site. Now my story...

Long stroy short I found out that my wife of 12 years had been having three affairs with neighbors and one with an old high school friend over the past year, at least that I know of. 

Affair number 1 was trading nude cell pics since last Sept. with the single OM two houses down.

Affair number 2 was trading nude cell pics since last June with old high school friend connected with on Facebook

Affair number 3 was sending nude cell pics to next door neighbor and friend.

Affair number 4 was sending over 3000 texts a month to single OM two houses down for the past 6 months. She became pregnant with his child and aborted last week.

In addition I now also have herpes and HPV. I know these could have been dormant in both of us for years but given the track record I am not sure. I know that I have been a co-dependant for years and just started working on it in April. We had gone to counseling for a year and things were great last Jan 2010 and we stopped going. Life was great for 5 months.

Just found all of this out last Thursday and on Friday one of my best friends died and this morngin I found out that my grandmother, whom I loved dearly, passed away.

Just looking for inspiration and hugs right now to keep me from doing something I will regret. The bastard OM that chose to convince her to take an unborn life needs to pay and I hope that God will be his final judge but I really want to hurt him. She was my best friend for 13 years and I miss her dispite her choices.

Thanks to all


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

saying I'm sorry for you feels somehow inadaquitte (like my spelling), but for what its worth... Sucks your here. Really. Sucks.

Do you have kids?
How did you find all of this out?
What does W say about these affairs?


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

More details...

We have two children beautiful children together, 10 year old boy, and an eight year old girl, and her 16 year old step daughter had just moved in with us full time.

The OM that got her pregnant had been a problem in the past and was "just a good friend". Don't we all LOVE that expression. This is her third marriage (didn't know about the first until after we were married), same song and dance as everyone else, she stopped contact and then blamed me for having to contact him again for emotional support. She had ended the other two marriages by cheating.

Wow, as I write this I can't believe I still have feelings for this woman. If this was someone else's post I would be saying WTH? Unfortunately with the cloud of love and how good things were I am looking for the devil I know rather than the devil I don't.

This is my second marriage as my first ended with her cheating multiple times as well. No kids from that one. I know I ended up better but feel like two failed marriages = ???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First, here is your :::hug:::

Second, move on. She has cheated on your repeatedly with multiple people, got pregnant by one of them, and gave you the gifts that keep giving: HPV and herpes.

You deserve so much better.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I'm so sorry you're here... Here's some http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/23016-inspiration.html I hope it can help you during this tough time...


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

More details on discovery...

I took over paying the bills in April and went to pay the cell phone bill. I went to print the bill and it was over 250 pages. Found all of the OM's numbers with txt and pics going to each. Confronted her and she said pics and txting weren't cheating. Through our counseling we had an agreement that cheating was defined as doing anything that you wouldn't do with your spouse standing right next to you (Dr. Phil's definition).

Found out about the PA when I found his cell phone in her car while I was looking for sun screen. I knew something was up with the abortion as I know her cycle like the back of my hand. She chalked it up to training for her marathons. 

Oh - forgot to add that I came home from a business trip last July and found her making out with our female neighbor and that they had been trading nude pics. Also found out via her cell phone that she has had sex with her female BFF several times.

Damn - she is just not a good person...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

biggu5 said:


> This is my second marriage as my first ended with her cheating multiple times as well. No kids from that one. I know I ended up better but feel like two failed marriages = ???


Take some time off from relationships. Really feel someone out before getting married. Did you see any red flags or know of her infidelities before you got married? 

There is no need AT ALL to be in another relationship. Get a divorce and focus on your kids.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I know you love her, but I also know she doesn't love you. If she did really love you then she wouldn't have done any of this to you. I'm not usually one to say whether or not someone should stay or leave their spouse, but you gotta get out of there. You don't deserve any of this.


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## The Judge (Jun 21, 2011)

It appears that you jumped from the frying pan into the fire with this second marriage. Separate yourself from this woman. She is not worth another moment of your time. 

You obviously love your children. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of them. They need you and you need them right now.


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

@Jellybeans - thanks for the advice. Not looking for any relationships now as I wouldn't want someone who wants me in this state anyway. Just read your post on 10 Breakup Boundaries and wow! I know it has only been 5 days but I have broken every one. Thanks!

To others - your advice and responses are giving me hope. Everyone close to me obviously has biased opinions but as an outsider looking in there are no emotions, only facts, and the facts "ain't" good.


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

I feel a bit like Job right now, waiting for all of my crops to be destroyed...  I lost a family, two best friends, and my grandma, all in 5 days.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

biggu5 said:


> . Just read your post on 10 Breakup Boundaries and wow! I know it has only been 5 days but I have broken every one. Thanks!


STOP breaking the boundaries. Get some self-respect! If you don't respect yourself, nobody else will.

Have either of you seen lawyers or talked about divorce? What is the status of your marriage?

Oh and yes, you have been through a lot lately. Sorry for the loss of your family and friends. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

She's broken and you are not going to fix her.

IMO; Any attempt to do so is you not being able to face the truth and allowing your sickness (codependency) to make justifications for prolonging what is inevitable. 

It's rare that I would ever say this but, In this situation, there is no valor or strength in attempting to save this marriage. It's simply weakness. You and your children deserve better than this.

I'm sorry if that candor stings and I mean no disrespect. 

This marriage needs a toe tag and to be put under before it starts rotting and stinking any worse than it already does. 

I'm really sad for you and sorry to have that opinion. But, it is what it is.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

HEy JB where are your 10 breakup boundaries?
Biggu - fisrt things first - protect yourself financially.. Empty all joint accounts. Kill all joint credit cards, internet accounts like amazon, etc. Anything she can charge against. If your joint on vehicle she drives, get your name off it. Call Equifax, Transunionand EXperien and put a fraud alert on your credit with a notice that no new credit is to be given to your wife as you are separating. This will prevent her from pulling loans or new lines of credit on your rating or using your name.

Your wife has a serious sense of self entitlement and might just decide to do all kinds of stupid things if you don't. You can always reverse these later. SHe needs sexaholics anonymus SAA. SHe has serious problems and needs a psychiatrist to go with SAA.

I tend to agree with everyone else here. You may love her or at least who you thought she was. SHe's not that person. You may want to consider finding someone who'll give you the real love you need.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> HEy JB where are your 10 breakup boundaries?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/24866-10-break-up-boundaries.html


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

Thanks everyone!  Guess I need to move over to the divorce forum for advice there. I like the toe tag analogy and thinking this probably doesn't need an autopsy at this point  One of my most favorite recent quotes... 

“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” -- Admiral James Stockdale

How does everyone deal with the hate I feel for the OM? I truly want to see him pay although I did not take vows with him. He has been working this over the past three years and I feel as though he has won. Maybe "to the victor go the spoils" but damn it, it sucks!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Awesome quote dude! Instantly one of my favorites!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hate for the OM... Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan..... I can feel you there !!!!
I will not go into the detail Ive had run through my mind, but in research I have had to accept that underwhelming statement that the best revenge is to "live well". 
If their "relationship" proceeds, it is one based on mistrust, lies, and deception. I have often pictured my wife and her OM sittin on the couch together, each with their IPhones glued to their faces, secretly wondering who each other is texting....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I was wondering how men feel about "The Other Man" -- if it's the same kind of hatred that wives/women have for "The Other Woman." In fact, I was going to make a thread asking about it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

JB, I imagine it is very much the same feelings. Some men have a sense of "protector" long instilled within them, back from the caveman days, or perhaps just some grandpa who wore overalls, but this sense of protector being placed in the hands of the OM, for wife and kids, while BEING the subject of the destoyer of our family, is soooooooo freaking ($%$#[email protected]@#@#@)
well, you know..
Kids are the greatest gift a married couple can have.
Their interactions with us as their mommy and daddy are pure and in themselves like gifts from God.
Attempting to accept that the OM will get to benefit or share in those interactions and gifts, tucking my daughter into bed, playing games with her, hugs and kissies, you know just about kills me all over again. Kills me slowly.
Especially when HE is the enemy. It makes me want to tell my kid all about him and who he is and what he did to mommy and daddy. That way she doesnt get the impression that he is some "good guy" that makes mommy happy. FK that!!!
I havent reached that point yet though. I dont know if he ever will be that involved in my wifes future life. 
A bit of shoepolish on his windshield wipers wouldnt hurt though.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Your wife is a conscienceless cyborg. I would say all normal rules of relationships are as null and void as her soul. However you want to handle this, is justified. Me? I would wait till it's pouring rain, and kick her ass into the street with the clothes on her back and no shoes.


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

@Runs Like Dog - I could probably afford the lawyer fees if I sold all of her shoes - thanks, gave me a smile...


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Whatever you do make sure you go about all of this following the law to the T! Get a lawyer and see what he recommend because you don't want to give her anything to use against you! My guess is that she is the type of person that is quick to stab people in the back and then play as if though she is/was the victim and I'm sure she is a damn good actress by now.

Don't give her a single thread to pull on cuz you don't want your life to unravel anymore than it already has.

Lawyer is top priority!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

AND closing all financial access. Let the judge sort it out later.


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

Thanks all for the advice. Looking for legal advice now. Unfortunately money is tight and I know that I should retain the services of a top notch lawyer. Trying to save up some $$ and move forward.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

That and get paternity on the children. It might not chage a thing between your relationships, but it would be good info to have moving foward. 

You are at rock bottom, the only place to go is up! You will OK. Begin to work on yourself and there will another someday. It amazes me in this day in age that this type of behavior is not illegal.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

biggu5 said:


> How does everyone deal with the hate I feel for the OM? I truly want to see him pay although I did not take vows with him. He has been working this over the past three years and I feel as though he has won. Maybe "to the victor go the spoils" but damn it, it sucks!


Wow. First time reading this thread. You want revenge on the OM? The best revenge is to let him have her. Then he can deal with her serial cheating. So he's the one losing out because she's not really a prize. Besides, if it wasn't him, it would be some other Tom, D!ck, or Harry, judging by her pattern of behavior.

Of course, when he's done banging her, he'll want to kick her to the curb and she'll want to come home to the steady faithful man (You). If you let her, she'll be good for a little bit until she gets the itch again and cheats again with another man or woman. Wash, rinse, repeat. This woman you married looks to be a SA. You cannot fix her. She has to fix herself.


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

Need more advice from those with clear heads.

Should I let all of our mutual friends know the details? Since this happened in our neighborhood I think they should know the type of people that live on that street. Just spoke with our female neighbor who is a really good friend of both. She had now idea of the extent...

Thanks!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Exposure is mainly used for killing the affair and notifying the other betrayed spouse that their partner is cheating, thereby creating a second set of eyes on the cheaters. This ends the secrecy of the affair and their thrill they got from the secrecy is removed. Since your WWs OM is single, and your WWs A has been exposed, there really isn't any point in exposure to other people. If you are just doing it to be vindictive, then thats up to you.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Well apparently she hasn't learned from her past, so I say tell everyone and anyone. I say fly her flag for her and let her true colors show.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL Forsaken


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Sometimes I get pretty heated and jump the gun, my last comment may seem kind of irrational. If I was walking away with a permanent STD(s) then she would be walking away at the very least with her head held really low.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Forgot about the permanent STDs. Ouch!

EXPOSE!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah I would not tell the neighbors. First off half of them are probably screwing around and two, the other half will look at you like you're the loser who couldn't keep his wife in check. Life is like high school and most people are f^cking clueless morons.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

People that purposely spread disease like this need to be made an example of. I bet if your neighbors and friends find out, some of them may find out that they have an STD as well...


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

Thanks all. Yes, part of the exposure is vindictiveness but part is revealing her true self to those who thought they knew her. Real Wisteria Lane BS there. Suburbia has sucked the lifeblood from my veins. I was sucked into the corporate jungle to continually try and make more money to support the things she wanted. Granted I love my job but I used to be a fly fishing/white water guide in the Rockies. I haven't been on my mountain bike in 12 years...

So, I believe in natural consequences. I don't want her to know that she can hide anymore. I want people to know who she really is. My therapist agrees that it appears she has SA. Interesting... she got a boob about 3 years ago and that is when everything started to change, IMHO. 

Do I need to let the married OM's partner know they were sending explicit pics and txts? I think so. If it was me, I would want to know. I confronted my married neighbor whom she was also send explicit pictures too. I couldn't find proof of what he said back and he didn't appear to send pics back but damn!!!

SHE NEEDS TO BE EXPOSED!!!

The other OM (not the one she got pregnant with) claims to a Christian man. He lives with his sister and her husband who are good Christians. Thinking about letting them know about the affair(s) as well. I am pissed right now...


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Yes let the OM's W know, she needs to get tested for STDs as well, who knows who she really contracted the STDs from and who she spread them to.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

As far as you know it was only picture messages they were sending back and forth, they may have done other stuff so I would let the OM's W know about the pics and let them know that your W has STDs and that your not entirely sure if they ever did anything physical so they should get checked.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Firstly, your ex-wife is messed up. hat type of behavior is indicative of some sort of sexual abuse in her past likely as a child. She is a sex addict. It is a compulsion for her. She needs the attention. She is incredibly insecure and clearly out of control. She needs professional help and fast.

As for you, ask yourself why you are attracted to these dysfunctional women? We are attracted to those that are like us. Perhaps a little bit of self-reflection is needed. Find out why you make these bad choices. 

Best of luck. You certainly deserve better.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

biggu5 said:


> Do I need to let the married OM's partner know they were sending explicit pics and txts?


Absolutely. Tell her today. Your wife f-cked around with multiple people totally upping the chances of them all getting/sharing/having STDs. She needs to get check.

So do you.


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

REALLY hurting today. Traveling for grandmothers funeral and at my parents house. Reminders everywhere of the happy life I used to have. Even a picture book we put together for X-mas 2010. Just trying to figure out what the f happened...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you chose to divorce, make sure that you take your time and plan it carefully. Go over to dadsdivorce.com: Lessons Learned - Before and During and read, read and read. Knowledge is power and nowhere is this the case as it is in divorce.

Good luck.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Sorry things are so hard big, were here to help you through it. Just vent, it seems to help.


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

Oh boy Morituri, after looking at dadsdivorce.com this is going to suck even more than it does now. Bad enough to suffer through several affairs but now the whole divorce process.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

biggu5 said:


> Oh boy Morituri, after looking at dadsdivorce.com this is going to suck even more than it does now. Bad enough to suffer through several affairs but now the whole divorce process.


Do you remember the story of the mountain climber who faced the life and death decision of cutting off his arm and surviving, but chose to cut his arm off? Well that is how divorce feels like.

I love my GF til no end but I would be lying to you that the second most excruciatingly painful choice in my life was filing for divorce from my second wife. I love that woman to the point of gladly giving up my life for her. But the discovery of explicit sexual material between her and her lover was simply too much for me to bear. She begged and cried on her hands and knees for me to not leave her but I knew that our marriage was over.

But life does indeed go on and I emotionally healed and made a new life for myself. Was it easy? hell no but the wise advice given on divorcedads.com was crucial in making my divorce much less painful.

Your wife's actons led to this point so you must make sure that you do not waver in seeking the best outcome for yourself and your children. *Divorce is war plain and simple*


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The hardest part for me would be picking up the administrative paperwork and such my wife does now. Just saying. If her car with her in it vanished tomorrow I'd be suspect #1 not because I was involved in any way but because I would have little reaction or concern. Buh bye.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Sometimes they wake up though! Consider why and try to understand her needs. I know your are more important right now but in the long term....


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

Thanks everyone. Interestingly even though the admission of all the cheating (although she did indicate that trading naked pics was NOT cheating) was only a week and a half ago a felt a sense of relief finally knowing. I have moved out of the incestuous pool of suburbia into the metro area. Truly a different mind set here. I will never go back to suburbia. I met more nice, true people by the pool today than I did in 10 years of track houses, competition, and postage stamp sized yards. Going to separate, enjoy, and resolve some issues. Good night all...


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