# Need advice or clarity!



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

My H moved out less than two weeks ago. I've posted my story before so won't rewrite. Short version he had a lta and was caught yr & 1/2 ago. It ended but he has maintained ilubinilwu. There have been many glimmers of hope during this time but a month ago we were in one of his foggy periods(think he's having mlc)he went to ic came home and said done nothing left to give went to an attorney and put down $. Said no point in trying nor separation. Well within 10 days of this and him making moving plans he started to come out of fog said he was still going but confused. The week he was moving he agreed to put divorce on hold be separated but date and continue ic. He seems aware he's having mlc and is aware that it might not be me hes unhappy with but him. Since he left he has been at my house everyday. We speak on the phone everydday. He says its also because he wants to see our son but he hangs out with son for 5 minutes then comes in room with me. He was over last night for a family night but sent son to bed after movie so we could be alone. At the same time he is painting room for son at his placee and having adt put in and buying furniture. I know the dumbass still loves me and I have never had doubts about that I know he is f'd up about many other issues that has not dealt with. What should I make of this? He doesn't want to come home and I don't want him back until he deals with his stuff. But what should I be doing? I want him here but am I doing things the wrong way? PLease respond????


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since he is being nice to you but still moving forward with fixing up his place, there is a good possibility that the divorce is not really on hold. 

Instead he might be acting on advice from his attorney to put himself in a much better position during a divorce.

How long have you been married?

Do you work outside the home?

Do the two of you share a joint checking/savings account? 

You might want to go see an attorney and find out what if anything in his actions could help him be in a better position in the divorce by him setting up a place with a room for your child. He could be thinking that this will give him a better chance at custody.

He's been gone for a month now and you have been very nice to him right? So he has seen you at your best thus far and is obviously getting at least some emotional needs met from you. Are you two also having sex still?

I think it's time to go to the 180. Look at the 180 in my signature block below. That is how you need to treat him and interact with him. He has to see what his life will be like without you. You might also want to consider filing for divorce and get interim childsupport, spousal support (if appropriate) and custody & child time sharing plan in plans in place.

You can tell him that if he decides to move home then the divorce can be stopped. But right now you need to protect yourself.

Let him get a taste of what divorce will be like.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

We have been married 20 yrs this Wednesday.Happy Anniversary to me! We have all joint accounts and I work part-time at my sons school. I really don't think he is going forward with the divorce right now. I think that the big picture of divorce knocked him out of his fog a little bit. It doesn't just mean you aren't married to someone. Unweaving 22yrs together and leaving your child comes with that divorce and maybe it jolted him not sure. It's kind of hard to 180 and date. Any advice? We both want the whole thing in this marriage not what we've settled for in the past. He's felt that way for long time I'm just now realizing that I wasn't happy. I was too afraid he'd leave to know how I really felt. He has a long way to go. I have made changes over the past yr & 1/2 but he is afraid if he lets go and falls for me again that I will just change back. We both were not good to each other. He just keeps holding back and revisiting our past mistakes and unhappiness instead of seeing the new improved me and the periods of recent happiness that could be our future. I need help knowing how to proceed with the dating thing and not just letting him be a cake eater. Thoughts please???


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

cantmove said:


> We have been married 20 yrs this Wednesday.Happy Anniversary to me! We have all joint accounts and I work part-time at my sons school. I really don't think he is going forward with the divorce right now. I think that the big picture of divorce knocked him out of his fog a little bit. It doesn't just mean you aren't married to someone. Unweaving 22yrs together and leaving your child comes with that divorce and maybe it jolted him not sure. It's kind of hard to 180 and date. Any advice? We both want the whole thing in this marriage not what we've settled for in the past. He's felt that way for long time I'm just now realizing that I wasn't happy. I was too afraid he'd leave to know how I really felt. He has a long way to go. I have made changes over the past yr & 1/2 but he is afraid if he lets go and falls for me again that I will just change back. We both were not good to each other. He just keeps holding back and revisiting our past mistakes and unhappiness instead of seeing the new improved me and the periods of recent happiness that could be our future. I need help knowing how to proceed with the dating thing and not just letting him be a cake eater. Thoughts please???


Mine left in Jan (25+yrs together) and in Feb got an apt and hasn't looked back. This is a crazy a$$ ride that we are on and it doesn't look like it's getting better anytime soon. Mine is in MLC and possibly in at least an EA. He has screwed up his relationship w/ his older adult kids and rarely sees his younger kids. I would love for him to want to work on the relationship but will survive if he doesn't. (I wasn't sure in the beginning)

Could yours be having a MLC?

Hold firm on what YOU need from him before he comes back. If he is working on his place it could be a way to busy himself. 
Practice the 180 as much as you can (what is reasonable for your situation) and know that you will get through this one way or another.


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