# Inappropriate workplace behavior



## Conflicted73 (Dec 6, 2011)

I may be overly sensitive on the heals of a brief EA that my husband of twelve years had recently(separate from the person in the following story) and I would really appreciate some feedback on this new matter that I am having trouble processing. 

Last night I was at a dinner with my husband that he had put together for his employees. A female employee who he works and travels with quite frequently was there and she is a very touchy/feely person with him. I had noticed it when I met her the first time about a year back. At that time she had walked straight past me before I could even introduce myself and went right up to my husband and put her arm around him as she talked to him. It did bother me a bit then, but I never brought it up to him.

This time it was even more overt, they sat back to back at opposite tables, but when they turned around to talk to each other she always had her hand on his shoulder, kind of squeezing it as she talked to him, or on his arm & at one point they were talking really closely & she reached out & was holding his hand. All of this while I was across the table from my husband & her fiance was sitting next to her! My husband explained it that she is an alpha personality and that is the way she felt like she could show the rest of the employees there that she was in control & the boss. That she didn't mean anything bad by it, it's just the way she communicates (I am the polar opposite of an alpha personality so I can't identify). So first of all my husband is their boss, not her, so she shouldn't being pulling those power plays in the first place. Second, I feel like a line was crossed professionally and personally and that show of behavior was a blatant disrespect to me. I would NEVER touch a boss or colleague of mine like that (or at all), I truly feel it is inappropriate! I even asked my husband last night, if the tables were turned how would he feel & he said he probably would have felt uncomfortable.

It's harder to decipher these kinds of things when you're smack dab in the middle. I would appreciate any input as to if I may be overracting/blowing it out of proportion and if not, if/how I should approach it again with my husband. Like I had mentioned before, I am still trying to move past the EA, I feel paranoid, conflicted, confused about what the future holds & it seems like we take a couple steps forward and then like 20 back. Thank you for any advice you can provide.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband had an EA and now this? No your are not paranoid. He should be doing whatever it takes to gain your trust. He expects you to just believe his reasoning on this?

Can you travel with him the next time they travel together? How about dropping by the office?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Was she with another companion?

Next time start flirting with her date/SO.

Confront her and inform her that you want her to stop touching your H.

My point is one way or another confront her,the disrespect is direct at you so inform her as such. Women to women, nothing more nothing less it will then be up to her to make it a big deal or not. Then you can respond accordingly!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Conflicted73 said:


> This time it was even more overt, they sat back to back at opposite tables, but when they turned around to talk to each other she always had her hand on his shoulder, kind of squeezing it as she talked to him, or on his arm & at one point they were talking really closely & she reached out & was holding his hand. All of this while I was across the table from my husband & her fiance was sitting next to her! My husband explained it that she is an alpha personality and that is the way she felt like she could show the rest of the employees there that she was in control & the boss. That she didn't mean anything bad by it, it's just the way she communicates (I am the polar opposite of an alpha personality so I can't identify).


I never see this type of behavior between non-sexual coworkers, but maybe I work in a sheltered environment. I work in a Fortune 100 company, though. I am pretty alpha, but I'm sorry to say that to me, this is alpha behavior that is displayed in a sexual relationship where you 'own' the other person, in a sexual sense - not professional. Your husband sounds naive, or maybe he thinks you are.

A few of the alpha female types will touch subordinates an a possessive way, like when a funny joke is shared, but I've never seen something as blatant as you describe.


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## Conflicted73 (Dec 6, 2011)

I agree about the gaining the trust statement and he's said he wants to do whatever he can to help me gain it back, but truly he hasn't really shown me that lately I guess. We did do some counseling on his suggestion, but I didn't really find it to be productive. And we've talked out a lot of the underlying issues that he said lead to the EA and are working through them. The EA happened about three months ago & was in the form of FB messages between him and a female friend he had from before we met. It started out innocently with hi, how have you been & by the end it was her saying I always wonder what my life would have been like had I ended up with you & him saying I love you, I miss you & I need to find a way to see you again (she lives in a different state). I was floored, betrayed, blindsided. The wound still feels so open. I approached that situation with him when I found out about it (about two months ago) with kid gloves so as to not come off too threatening & hopefully make him feel comfortable to open up to me. I was extremely clear though that I will file for divorce should something else happen(it's all just been adding up little by little over time). By last nights deal I was in a rage when I brought it up to him, yelling & screaming. I think it's all been boiling under the surface & I just couldn't keep my cool anymore. 

I'm not sure what traveling with him next time will do since he will continue to travel with her & other female coworkers after that & he works from home when not traveling so stopping by the office is out. I am thinking that maybe I should find a different therapist & give it another try. Maybe they will have some additional tools to help me move past this or how to deal with it with him. I can't imagine feeling like this forever, questioning, second guessing, not believing & just feeling so lost & alone. My heart feels hollow, like there's a void.


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