# My old car



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

For the longest time Ive owned a 1970 Dodge Dart Swinger thats sat in my garage (at the old marital home) since Ive moved out. Today, I hope to get it moved over to my new house. It doesnt run, and is a project of mine, a very long term project, but getting it into my own garage is going to be another step of finally getting everything of mine out of the old house. The ex has been hassling me about it for a month, and finally I have a plan to get it trailered over.
She txts me this morning asking me if I still plan on getting it today, and I replied that I sure did.
"Okay, well theres a box on the trunk of more of your stuff I found" she txts.
For a moment there, I alllllmost started thinking along the lines of "wow, shes so ready to be completely rid of me"... But, oh ho ho!!! had to catch myself there. 
Whether it be my own taking of my stuff out of that old house, or her boxing it up for me, either way, its me getting away from that person she is. One less thing to hold over my head, to expect of me to perform.. Shes had her new guy over there every night this week, (at least hes not across the street from me) so I guess its the lesser of two evils.
I wonder if theres a part of her that feels vindicated by attempting to remove all remote reminders of me from the old house, handing me my walking box, so to say, here, heres your stuff, now get on with yourself!!

I dont mind. If she sees it as a "dig" or an opportunity to rub some salt in the wounds, it would be in keeping with her personality. So I expect nothing less. 
But then I still have some camping stuff there, that I supposed to be going to me, and I asked about it. She said she would get it together for me next week and could "Bring it By"???!?!!!

UGH,,, just stay away....


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

When I moved out of the house we shared for 20 years, my husband paid to have all our stuff moved to my new apartment and to his father's house. The movers mistakenly brought over to my apartment some stuff that was my husband's. I INSISTED that they get it out of my apartment and bring it to my husband's house . I didn't want ANY of his stuff in my new apartment..in my new life. 

Your wife could be doing this. She wants to start over. You need to adopt this attitude too. You don't WANT her to have your old stuff. You need to make the break. It's the only way you can allow yourself to heal. 

So yes, you need to face the fact that she REALLY does want to be rid of you. Your property is part of that sentiment. It hurts to accept it but it's the truth. 

I don't condone what your wife had done with your marriage. In fact, I think she is acting horribly. Cheating on you, moving in the new boyfriend and with a child no less? All this is disgusting in my playbook. But she's done it and you have to deal with her if you want to see your child so you need to be the one who sets the example for your daughter. I think you are doing a great job in this regard.

Don't let her mind f*uck you. Take your stuff out IN ONE SHOT and walk away...with dignity and self respect. Don't string this out. Just do it all at once. Then you won't have to deal with her crap anymore. You are better than that. 

You are doing much better than before but you still have a long way to go and I wish you luck on your new journey and life.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lol, my ex had started her esthetics business in our house before moving to a commercial space... she was buying so much beauty supplies - she ended up not even taking most of it. So there is all kinds of nail polish plus some high end beauty supplies in a cabinet in my living room... my new GF rifles through it every other time she is here - win/win (GF gets some nice stuff for free, I don't have as much crap to get rid of plus it gives me a little satisfaction knowing my ex has essentially gifted this stuff to my new GF )

As to your Dart, my high school buddy had one in grade 12, it was pretty beat up but mechanically he had gotten in fixed up to run pretty well. I hadn't seen him since high school until this past summer when I visited my old home town, swung by his parents house and sure enough he was in the front yard when I drove by... I stopped and caught up a little, the Dart was still sitting in the carport, looked the same except he'd done some bodywork and had it in primer.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thanks Freak!
I am ever-so-slowly coming to terms with the whole removal process. In one hand, we are forced to involve one another because of our daughter, but on the other hand it sort of feels like another rejection, on top of another rejection, every time I have to do anything that involves the ex. 
If she would have just taken some time before being involved with another person, it would have been a tremendous difference, but to witness that and to hear her speak of "soulmates" and how "in love" she is now, is sooooooo painful.
And thats the reason I dont want to have anymore to do with her at all. I dont like feeling like I want to see her fall flat on her face. It doesnt quite spell "healing" to me.. 
Just sick of the mess. Still jealous and hurt that not even the guy that got involved with her while we were married is in the picture anymore, its some other dooshbag, and La-tee-dah, they are in LOVE with one another. 
I will be glad to be getting all of my stuff and getting out from under any thumbs...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Thanks Freak!
> If she would have just taken some time before being involved with another person, it would have been a tremendous difference, but to witness that and to hear her speak of "soulmates" and how "in love" she is now, is sooooooo painful.
> And thats the reason I dont want to have anymore to do with her at all. I dont like feeling like I want to see her fall flat on her face. It doesnt quite spell "healing" to me..
> Just sick of the mess. Still jealous and hurt that not even the guy that got involved with her while we were married is in the picture anymore, its some other dooshbag, and La-tee-dah, they are in LOVE with one another.


Yeah, she's a real piece of uh...*work*. You can insert my REAL meaning here. 

Yep, it would've been easier if you'd just divorced due to just being incompatible or been able to walk away completely but you aren't a deadbeat dad so you won't. Kudos to you. :smthumbup:

But you can maintain your dignity. If she starts in on her crap about being "in love" or "soulmates" with someone else just tell her in a quiet tone that you don't want to hear it. Don't embellish. Don't explain. Don't get angry or upset. Just say "Ok, that's nice. I don't want to hear it." She'll get the message and she won't have much more to say when all she's talking to is your back. 

I don't know what her problem is but she sounds like an immature, selfish person. You don't have to deal with that. Just look after yourself and your daughter and ignore her crap. Eventually you WILL heal and you WON'T care. Trust me. But it does take time and effort. 

But you can't keep pulling scabs off your wounds. You have to bandage up the wound and leave it be. And YOU dictate terms! Tell her, I'm coming over on this day and time to pick up what's left of your stuff and DO IT...all at once. If it's not all there then go buy new stuff. 

That's the way you have to do it with this gal. She's either too stupid and inconsiderate or she's playing you for a fool. Time for you to call the shots and come up with a new game plan....on your terms. Once you assume control of the situation you will feel better. Right now you feel OUT of control and helpless. It doesn't HAVE to be like that!

After you get your stuff I wouldn't even go into her house or not go past the front entrance. You don't have to witness or listen to ANYTHING. Get your daughter or have her dropped off and keep it short and sweet. And unless her texts pertain to your daughter then delete them. Don't put up with her sh*t anymore. You don't HAVE to...that's why you are divorced.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Oh, I'm not big on Mopar but I would make that Dodge your hobby. It's a great way to get your mind off things. Join a car club too. Lots of nice people in those. I was into motorsports for years. 

Better yet, trade it in for a Jeep. A CJ7 and go wheeling. :smthumbup:


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

It sucks to fight the daily battle 
of removing the thoughts from your head of all these compounded wounds upon wounds. Take one tiny aspect of this situation and you can draw a dozen associative "side-wounds" that happened in tandem. Whether it was how some of the mutual friends were so accepting of her sh!t, and none of them could offer positive advice, including her own mother. 
It is really a daily effort. 
To force these thoughts out of my mind.
Sometimes there are so many that the only option at all is to dump the whole thought process.
This exercise is so far distant from the "you had better fight back" sense of selfprotection I was instilled with as a youngster.
This kind of "dealing with a situation", as in "not doing anything at all" is so foreign to me. But its exactly what is needed.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Shoo 
I am so sorry you are going through this. It seems that you to do something that decreases your contact with her. 

You live on the same block as her bf, can you move? If not then limit contact to the bear minimum. NC with any of the people who support her, friends or family. 

You must get out of this immersion in her life. It it possible to get therapy to get rid of the mind movies? 

You will not be able to move on ever in your current state. Make plans to move ahead. Change your life completely new hobby new friends. 

It may seem that fate is shinning on her now but it is unlikely to last. You will probably run through men until she is played out. 

Then she will have the rest of her life to contemplate the destruction and deception that she has left in her past.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Shoo another thing comes to my mind. 

From what you describe, your wife seems to be baiting you and trying to purposely rub your face in it. 

If she is do happy why does she stay locked into convincing you that she is happy? Indifference is the sign that a person has moved on, she is not indifferent towards you. 

I do not say this to increase your pain but to decrease it by asking you to reinterpret her behavior. 

You hurt her and you are still hurting her because she could not get you to R, try as she might. 

You divorced her showing her that her powers of attraction are not as infallible as she hoped. She may have been sure that you would R. 

You are viewing this as her rejecting and wounding you, which she did. But, you wounded and rejected her and she feels that acutely. 

You have gotten your own back. You are not powerless to hurt her, you are hurting her as deeply as anyone can be. 

Shoo use this to pull yourself out of this feeling that you are being assaulted and defeated. 

You have been wounded but prevailed and walked away with your dignity and pride. 

You did not weaken with her attempt to treat you as if you were a p*ssy-whipped wimp. 

Don't let her win by allowing her to think she can hurt you. You are victorious so why not behave like the victor not the victim.

Get out and meet new people that is what you need to help you move on.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hi Catherine!
Thanks for the insights.
My situation was one where she was detatching and grieving about it while we were married. (well the greiving part I highly doubt), but her plans were advancing long before I ever knew divorce was even a consideration. 
I went thru hell looking for a house of my own to move away from her after divorcing. Her boyfriend moving down from up north, and living with his friend that lives on my new street, is just a freakish coincidence I wished wasnt the case. If he isnt across the street, hes over at my old house with my exwife and child. Her inability to use some common sense, and getting involved with whomever will accept her at this point is aggravating, because of any effects it may have on my daughter. Plus, seeing my ex act like a moron..
It was her who divorced me, sure that this was what she wanted. I even heard the "maybe I should be alone for awhile" when she was talking about herself. 
I caught her in the restroom with another guy, at a party not four months before divorcing. She had two guys she kept in regular romantic contact with. 
I think she just went crazy, really. All this was going on while she had just started a xanax Rx regimen for "anxiety"..

I think that I am the one that needs to work on being indifferent. Her current indifference, is aggravating, becuase it only means I have yet to accept the entire concept of it being "over", even though I would never want to be with her again. Maybe its just a part of me that went through so much pain, and I saw nothing from her at all.. Makes a person feel like sh!t, like they never mattered. 

You know what though? I am having a great morning. I got my coffee, got a big hug from my daugher after dropping her off for daycare. Her mother will pick her up for the start of her week this evening. So I am a bit sad about that, always am, but I had a great week with her, and feel loved by her. 

I just cant grasp the type of person her mother has become now. I would have never imagined it. The complete polar opposite of what she used to rant against, and chide others for.

Like spilling salt, I take my hand and wipe the table clean. Pay no mind, becuase I dont have to..


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Shoo Sorry you are having to go thru this, Just remember in regards to yr ex "nothing changes nothing changes" i would be willing to bet that by her not dealing with her relationship issues and bouncing to the next one and so forth that very soon she will be in the same situation. I would suggest that you use this time to recover yourself and develop things that you like to do and also develop a close relationship with your daughter.

Good Luck


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Just a comment from an outside observer. Trying to shake you out of your lassitude.

You sound like some woman dream. You get to choose because you would make an ideal partner. A strong committed man who likes being married and having a family. There has to be a problem with your wife that led up to this. I think it is her not you. 

I think you need to work on getting the mind movies out of your thoughts. Would you be open top PMing Morituri one of the members of TAM. Also readi another members story, Badblood.

Mori had a simular experience to yours and he had an effective therapeutic intevention that may help you. 

I also wonder if your wife has had sexual abuse in her childhood. It is not unusual for a dramatic change in behavior occurs around the age of 30 or so. 

Would you be open to exploring that? It may help your healing, knowing that she is acting according to a disturbance. It is not you it is something in her, something she may not have revealed to you.

How long has it been since D day and how long since you decided it was over.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

While I knew first hand that infidelity was traumatic to those of us who experienced it, I never knew that people who have experienced rape and the loss of their child said that the pain of infidelity was worse than any pain that came before it.

Shoo are you in IC? If you aren't I highly advice that you make the decision to do so. It was the one of the best decisions in my life and well worth the money.


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