# Should marriage really feel like "work"?



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

We hear this all the time; marriage, or long time relationships, are "work". Common phrases are bandied about such as "marriage isn't easy!", or "you have to fight to stay together".

I totally agree that building a solid foundation for a relationship requires work. But does there ever come a time where you feel like the building is pretty much finished. Sure you have to maintain, but should it always feel like "work"?

Do you feel that how much marriage feels like actual, hard work is related to how compatible you are with your spouse? How much you are still in love?

Are there any people who there who actually find being married to be more smooth sailing than rough waters? Who feel there is a genuine easy to being with their partner, and not so much "work", or a fight?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Sure you have to maintain, but should it always feel like "work"?

*I don't believe that it should always feel like work, but you should always put at least 90% into making a marriage worth staying for. If both partners do so, the marriage will seem easy.*

Do you feel that how much marriage feels like actual, hard work is related to how compatible you are with your spouse? 

*No, but your spouse should never be considered a second option to work or kids.*

How much you are still in love?

*More than ever on my side. I think he finds it harder as I tend to speak up about my dissappointment more than I did before.*

Are there any people who there who actually find being married to be more smooth sailing than rough waters? 

*I did until he cheated.*

Who feel there is a genuine easy to being with their partner, and not so much "work", or a fight? 
*
I only find it is not work or a fight because I expect more. I have always been the giver, expecting nothing in return. Not so much anymore. I want to know that I am worth being here for.*


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Great post!

And +1 for the easy going camp. My marriage isn't really work at all and I believe it's because we're very sympatico. No fighting, we discuss things. We don't always agree but we are both compromisers. We don't want the other to be unhappy for the sake of or own happiness. 

I think givers should marry givers 100% of the time. The giver married to the taker is the marriage that suffers. Been there done that, was NO fun whatsoever.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

My marriage requires work and it is work that is well worth doing


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The only work I do is on myself to be the best wife, mother and woman I can be.

He works on himself too.

Together, I don't really think of anything that is work. We have worked before, but lately, it's just flowin. Taking responsibility for ourselves and checkin' in every so often.

Plus, good sex is helpful.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I already have a job 

I want my marriage to be fun, easy, stress-free & peaceful.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

Mine is probably 70% work, 30% smooth sailing.

but work worth doing in that we are very different people who value the strengths of the other party and try to learn from them. often this can be difficult, but in the end we both grow much more from it than if we were to have married someone very similar to ourselves. IMO

our morals match, but our backgrounds are very different. so our journey is blending the best of 2 paradigms.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Good question, and one that I've never really thought about in this context. I'm very much in love, and the work that I have done, still do, and what I speak about here on TAM, has been mainly on me but it directly benefits my marriage and sex life.

Of course we have our ups and downs, but I don't feel like I have to work or fight to be with him. We do put in a strong effort to meet each others needs and creating a healthy marriage, it just doesn't feel like "work" to me though.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

My wife and I were together for many years before we got married. We were very much in love, but we were totally different people in so many ways (we did not look very compatible on paper at all). There were times when it was very much "work" to be together, as we had a lot of internal, and external, barriers, so much baggage. So many hours were spent discussing and pontificating our relationship, it's almost unfathomable to recall.

First year of marriage, as is typical, was the hardest. We had a ton of growing pains, especially since our marriage came with real change; we weren't living in the same state prior to marriage, much less ever shacking up.

Now? It's pretty smooth sailing. I acknowledge objectively that there are a lot of elements to our life that serve as common points of friction for others, we both do actually (we just talked about this two nights ago). But we seem to avoid the land mines.

What's different between now, and back in the day? Well we're 18 years deep in a relationship (bestfriends/relationship/marriage all combined), so we know each other well. We did put in all those hours hashing through (and praying, praying, praying) our relationship, over, and over, and over again. We are still very much in love; love, for us, isn't just an action, but it's still a feeling.

But what really, I believe, was the clincher to help us move beyond all that damn work was a key action that is less and less spoken of:

*Surrender.
*

At some point we just let go. Let go of trying to recreate the other in our preconceived image of what we should be. Let go of the delusion that we could each be 100% of what the other needed. Let go of the delusion that we had to always find agreement on everything. We just surrendered, somewhere along the lines, and made the decision to love, cherish, and adore the person who was right in front of us. To change when they change, and not be afraid of those changes. To be malleable. To let A LOT of sh*t go.

It's been extremely freeing. Like others have mentioned, these days we do a lot of individual self work. We give each other a ton of room for self work, and self exploration. So there is definitely a since of ease, and freedom with us, that was absent at many times during our relationship.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yep. we just let go too. It's life. Flow. Embrace the changes. I can't explain it, but it's just been a hell of a lot easier once my control-freak-of-a-mind just learned to let go. Just Love.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> At some point we just let go. Let go of trying to recreate the other in our preconceived image of what we should be. Let go of the delusion that we could each be 100% of what the other needed. Let go of the delusion that we had to always find agreement on everything. We just surrendered, somewhere along the lines, and made the decision to love, cherish, and adore the person who was right in front of us. To change when they change, and not be afraid of those changes. To be malleable. To let A LOT of sh*t go.


Yep. That's it.

I'll add something else... *ACCEPTANCE*. I love him for exactly who he is, and welcome his evolution into who he's becoming. He's the one person that I like the most in this world. Every quirk, habit, weird idea... everything that makes him him. My journey with him has been like a thrill ride and I don't want to get off.

I'm sure he'd say the same about me. I'm an adventure. lol


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

my marriage is work. i like work, i dont view it as "a bad work", but "a good work". kinda like shopping for and wrapping christmas presents is hard work, but its not a fate worse than death, and if your shopping buddy is a hoot and a half, can make a 45 minute line fly by in 10 munites, and the two of you cant stop laughing.

thinking of another person is hard work til it becomes second nature, making time for sex is work, til it becomes second nature. it takes work to communicate with my husband, i dont need as much "quality time" as he does, so i have to put forth more effort on my part, he isnt into "gifts", so he has to put in more effort for me.

i require dates, he requires bj's. we both work to make sure the other ones needs are as fulfilled as possible, and that takes work....daily. like i said, its not bad work......


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

There always seems to be something to work on. For me though the action of doing the work seems to get easier. It's like I know i have things to improve on for my own growth and for our overall happiness, and I know I want him to improve certain aspects of himself for the same reasons, but the process doesn't seem so daunting because communication and trust are much more solid. What I can't imagine, what i think would be too much work, is ever giving up on my marriage and having to start all over with someone new.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Yes I find it very easy but it was not always so. The first 10-12 was very much like work.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *jaquen said*: At some point we just let go. Let go of trying to recreate the other in our preconceived image of what we should be. Let go of the delusion that we could each be 100% of what the other needed. Let go of the delusion that we had to always find agreement on everything. We just surrendered, somewhere along the lines, and made the decision to love, cherish, and adore the person who was right in front of us. To change when they change, and not be afraid of those changes. To be malleable. To let A LOT of sh*t go


OK, I think the overwhelming majority have had to do what you just described here ^^ 

Can we Be the odd couple... When we found each other in our teens... it pretty much CLICKED and clicked very well .... Now granted, neither of us expected PERFECTION from the get go... One could say I had a few chips on my shoulder (due to my family life)...a little brash -depending... and he was a Nice guy - a little passive... but we loved what we found in each other...He could handle me - and yes, I was the love of his life...... and what he brought to my world - made me a better person....like this song >> Because You Loved Me 

We craved the togetherness from the time we met.

"Free Flowing" describes us. We've never looked upon our Union as "work". I know how utterly rare this is...I owe all of this to *compatibility* though, not who WE are..had I married another I could see alot of this >>>









If there is one thing about me I know... I am NOT all that easy to please. Him... more so... but this is not a case of settling ...or putting up with me ...I was really his type. 

Even when he wanted more







...(when I was in Mommy mode)...he's said of our past ....."Even when things were Dry, we had the kids, I was still happy". 

Neither of us has ever wanted another..... We've never had a fight over $$ (both savers).... always on the same page in what we dreamed (country home ~children ~me staying home to raise them).....he's a Simple Man... I tried to be the Proverbs 31 women as best I could.......he's been happy with my Housekeeping... for the most part - my Cooking. (Could use more variety here)

I've been happy with his bringing home the bacon...admired his superb handyman skills, I was his helping hand with many projects.....we're both Homebodies who love to cuddle up to a movie together...with the same Love Languages in the same order ....

Where one is weak, the other is strong & vice versa .... we are both "*interdependent*" -creating an atmosphere to not be a burden to each other but a blessing/ a helpmate....we've always owned our own faults....Communication one of our greatest strengths. 

I love his DRY sense of humor - always gets me to laugh at myself & lifts my spirits.. He loves my livliness/ feistiness ... we always been each others







.... 

He doesn't run with the guys /the bar/ He's not a Sports fanatic... he loves to spend time with me/ the kids ... he's told me he doesn't care where we go ....so long as we're together... 

We're both mushy sappy Romantics.... we look upon







in the same sacred light...... it's never been a chore ....but a JOY...we both get off on pleasing each other....still got the physical attraction going on... He is a superb father, they love him more than me ~ can't say I blame them. 

Sure...we have some conflict now & then (he married ME).. need to keep things STIRRED....(Great for make up sex anyway!).....but we never "let the sun go down on our anger"... he'll stay with me till we've talked it all out .... back in each others arms, holding tight. 

Our hardest time was 6+ yrs of trying to conceive (tests, tears, pokes, prodding, dashed hopes)....the large family dream appeared to be slipping ...Then the breakthrough ...seemed like the heavens opened up to us. 

And when my sex drive exploded after our last son ....me questioning his desire .... a little rough on me....even if it was all in my head...(I can have a thick skull at times/ worry too much) ... 

But through all of this....He was there for me like a FLOOD, opening his arms and loving me through it...  I Could Not Ask For More


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I don't think marriage is work as in exhausting physical or mental effort that leaves you feeling drained and spent. 

Arguments or times of strain can take their toll in a real physical and mental way but those are hopefully sporadic and not constant.

I view the work analogy more like the satisfaction one feels with effort expended but a feeling of satisfying results at the end.

I do think healthy marriages can get smoother and somewhat more effortless as time goes on and comfort levels are achieved.

At the same time, I think, based largely on my own experience, that marriage always needs attention and, in that respect, constant work as the term is being discussed here.

I was married over 35 years and the the last few years I quick really working at maintaining. I won't speak for her but I feel as if we both quit "working" to maintain.

The result was divorce. I think, in retrospect, the work never ceases. It may change, may get easier, but never ends.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

The marriage I have now doesn't feel like work. We've had to overcome our fair share of issues like conflict avoidance, poor communication and hidden resentment. Now we have open communication, a better understanding of each other love languages and both of us will address issues that bother us instead of stuffing it, seething inside and mentally keeping score. We're not taking each other for granted like before. We now do period checks with each other to see how we feel. There's always room for some improvement, but I love the marriage I have now! It's a very easy relationship and probably one of the best things I have in my life.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Ina said:


> * It's like I know i have things to improve on for my own growth and for our overall happiness, and I know I want him to improve certain aspects of himself for the same reasons, *


Thanks for writing this, as it's helped me to start thinking about my own marriage in this regard.

We both have changed a lot over the nearly 20 years since we met as barely teens. Now together, we are very into self improvement, and personal growth. I know that the last couple years, after dealing with major loss in my family, has leveled me, and I've been undergoing a slow, but powerful, metamorphosis.

What I am realizing is that this surrender, and this acceptance as A Bit Much stated, has helped us to enjoy our individual growth without the pressure of changing for the marriage. We give each other such a wide berth that we don't necessarily look at the changes as being implemented for our mutual happiness, but more so for our individual contentment, which in turn positively affects the marriage. 

These days we seem to be using our relationship as more an oasis in the midst of our growth, a place to come and release, and relax, on the journey of life. So there is a lot of work being put in, but it's not being poured, per say, into the marriage. We both are pouring a lot into ourselves, and the marriage is serving as a great place of rest from that work.

But then again I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. My wife and I have a more...individualized, for lack of a better word, than a lot of other people. We are in love, we live together, we are deeply bonded, but in some key ways we still live separate lives.



Ina said:


> What I can't imagine, what i think would be too much work, is ever giving up on my marriage and having to start all over with someone new.


I can't fathom wanting to be married again. It's one of the greatest decisions I have ever made, to marry _this_ woman. But, unlike when I was a kid/teen, the concept of marriage no longer has any appeal to me. I want to be married to this woman, or not at all. Can't speak for the future, but it's how I feel now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

*I totally agree that building a solid foundation for a relationship requires work. But does there ever come a time where you feel like the building is pretty much finished. Sure you have to maintain, but should it always feel like "work"?* I don't think it should always feel like work, but I do think that married people should always think about how they can work to improve both themselves and the marriage.

*Do you feel that how much marriage feels like actual, hard work is related to how compatible you are with your spouse? How much you are still in love?* How compatible you are, and how much in love, I think are two separate things. Related but separate. Compatibility is more linear, whereas being 'in love' fluctuates more. Some days I am so in love my heart wants to burst. Others I could wring his neck. But our compatibility doesn't go up and down like that. As for the amount of 'work', I feel like I need to work harder on the days I"m just not feeling the love as much. It's a much more conscious effort.

*Are there any people who there who actually find being married to be more smooth sailing than rough waters? Who feel there is a genuine easy to being with their partner, and not so much "work", or a fight? * I feel this way for the last year or so. Things have settled down since Dday#2 and I feel far more balanced and secure, both in my own skin and as far as our relationship.


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## SA's husband (Apr 9, 2012)

jaquen said:


> We hear this all the time; marriage, or long time relationships, are "work". Common phrases are bandied about such as "marriage isn't easy!", or "you have to fight to stay together".
> 
> I totally agree that building a solid foundation for a relationship requires work. But does there ever come a time where you feel like the building is pretty much finished. Sure you have to maintain, but should it always feel like "work"?
> 
> ...


Work , no. Probably due to the fact that we seem to have the same passions in life. We don't care about money much just spending time together and with our kids. Our love is always felt.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Marriage is work.
Hard work.
Because we're human beings, these things don't come naturally.
But hard work in marriage is not a bad thing.
The hard work brings with it, great rewards.
Sometimes its easy going , sometimes its an uphill climb.

Its comparable to a woman conceiving and carrying a baby for a full term. Hormones, good days , bad days.
Hard work, but a_ labour of love_.

No matter how compatible two people are, no matter good the sex is , people make mistakes,and sometimes get hurt. 
It takes work to recognize that you were wrong and accept full responsibility for your actions.
It takes work to forgive when the one you love, who you thought would never do such a thing,
Actually did it _to you_.

Its work, but when you're in love it's a labour of love.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I've never felt like my marriage was work. I don't even think I know what the 'work' is supposed to entail. Does it involve heavy lifting, paperwork..?

I thought we'd have the 'teething pains' when we first started living together, because I had always preferred living alone, and was never fully happy with roommates, living with my family, or with other guys. But H and I are so compatible that it feels exactly as good as living alone, but I also get a hot sexy guy to cuddle with and who brings me money. We got on the same page about finances pretty quickly, and haven't had any major issues/differences of opinion yet. So I can't think of any work we've had to do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Jane_Doe said :
> *
> *I've never felt like my marriage was work*. I don't even think I know what the 'work' is supposed to entail. Does it involve heavy lifting, paperwork..?
> 
> I thought we'd have the 'teething pains' when we first started living together, because I had always preferred living alone, and was never fully happy with roommates, living with my family, or with other guys. But H and I are so compatible that it feels exactly as good as living alone, but I also get a hot sexy guy to cuddle with and who brings me money. We got on the same page about finances pretty quickly, and haven't had any major issues/differences of opinion yet. So I can't think of any work we've had to do


 It is nice to see another come along & say this 



> *Caribbean Man said*: Marriage is work.
> Hard work.
> Because we're human beings, these things don't come naturally.
> But hard work in marriage is not a bad thing.
> ...


I'm dissecting here... Is it possible it's in how we personally view the term WORK ~ or Rough waters ?? 

I looked up WORK......so many definitions for this.. but here is a couple >>

*1.* Activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

*2.* Something that one is doing, making, or performing, (especially as an occupation or undertaking)... a duty or task: 

*3.*To exert oneself physically or mentally in order to do, make, or accomplish something

Then if you look *WORK* up on Urban Dictionary (always so insightful)... Oh My....you'll get ...."Something to do while you're waiting to die".... they call work Mental & physical torture.... So there is a tirade of extremes to how one can view this little word. 



> *Caribbean Man said* comparable to a woman conceiving and carrying a baby for a full term. Hormones, good days , bad days.
> Hard work, but a labour of love.


 Take me for instance....I looked upon this as PURE JOY....sure the throwing up wasn't fun...but my attitude was  ...because this was a good sign ~ the baby is alive & well - I looked upon each pregnancy as a Miracle, a blessing , a Privilege. 



> No matter how compatible two people are, no matter good the sex is , people make mistakes,and sometimes get hurt.
> It takes work to recognize that you were wrong and accept full responsibility for your actions.
> It takes work to forgive when the one you love, who you thought would never do such a thing,
> Actually did it to you.
> ...


I will surely agree it's a Labour of Love ... but it's one that I'd probably DIE for... or cross oceans for (I would not enjoy being single, I would feel I was missing the best part of living -- the Love & amorous Romance)....so in this regard, I still can't look upon our union as ..."WORK".... 

Similar to how I felt about the pregnancies, I see being Married to a fine man, someone who feels the same as I ... who always has my back, is there to pick up my every fall.. as one of the greatest blessings on earth. 

This surely affects my ATTITUDE towards him... just as my treatment towards him affects how he feels in return ... lessening that "work" feeling. 

Now outside of US.... dealing with OTHER people... some family members, friends, his co-workers, even our kids... we've had more trouble... more mishaps, sticky situations, tears, anger, hurt to overcome....and this felt like "WORK" - like maybe I didn't feel like getting out of bed and dealing with it all..... but still worth the effort to make peace with these people in our lives. 

For instance.. I loathed my teen years, I hated my step Mother, I wanted out of there in the worse way... I lived in a camper in someone's back yard for a summer, I had it rough..... I believe these experiences helped me/ shaped me - to be ever more THANKFUL ...when goodness came my way. 

And living with our children...always keeping my temper down...smiling when I want to scream ... not blowing that fuse...little kids can get on our nerves! We yell... they make too much noise! He's even hauled off yelling at them....this does take some ..."work" ... I just can't say this about HIM. 

It's kinda the same thing...I've noticed in my Mops groups .... These Moms go on about their babies/ kids, love them to tears, then when discussing their husbands... ...their face changes suddenly, they speak of some frustration there...they fight / want different things (sex comes up )...--that "WORK" again... ..but of course they LOVE them too ...it's worth the effort... 

Then there's me... I'm known as the MOM who'd rather hang with dad... and ditch the kids. 

Sure we have some conflict now & then (everyone does - I wouldn't believe that if they said they didn't- I'd think they are not communicating actually)... 

But should I call this "work" .... am I wrong to not view this as "Work" somehow?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Then there's me... I'm known as the MOM who'd rather hang with dad... and ditch the kids.
> 
> Sure we have some conflict now & then (everyone does - I wouldn't believe that if they said they didn't- I'd think they are not communicating actually)...
> 
> But should I call this "work" .... am I wrong to not view this as "Work" somehow?


Depends on how you view work.
So its not work in the sense of something you loathe.
But its a type of work you enjoy doing, something like a fulfilling career.
Just like there are some people who actually love their job. They're proud of it even though sometimes its hard and gets dirty.
But they enjoy it nevertheless.
They enjoy the perks, the holidays , the benefits everything!

" Work " in marriage to me, is just like that in some ways, but hundreds of times better.

So if you and your partner are compatible, then there's work to be done at various times to keep the marriage progressing. But you both enjoy doing it.
However, if the marriage is a mismatch , then the work becomes tedious and there is resentment.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Jane_Doe said:


> I've never felt like my marriage was work. I don't even think I know what the 'work' is supposed to entail. Does it involve heavy lifting, paperwork..?
> 
> I thought we'd have the 'teething pains' when we first started living together, because I had always preferred living alone, and was never fully happy with roommates, living with my family, or with other guys. But H and I are so compatible that it feels exactly as good as living alone, but I also get a hot sexy guy to cuddle with and who brings me money. We got on the same page about finances pretty quickly, and haven't had any major issues/differences of opinion yet. So I can't think of any work we've had to do.


My marriage, now, doesn't feel like "work" either.

But there was a lot of "work" during our long relationship, and the first year or so of marriage. For us that work was all about doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting, trying to merge two deeply in love, but very different, people together. Carrying my baggage, and her baggage, and whatever unique baggage arose from being together, proved laborious during stretches of our relationship.

It did feel very much like building a house. Now it just feels like the house is built, and we're in a light maintenance phase. It doesn't feel like "work" any longer, and hasn't in years.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Caribbean Man said:


> Depends on how you view work.
> So its not work in the sense of something you *loathe*.
> But its a type of work you enjoy doing, something like a fulfilling career.


 It *IS* in the interpretation then....

Speaking of Loathing...some hate their jobs (probably more Blue collar workers or those without that rewarding career of their passion)...... Not everyone wants to go to work every day.... it's a necessary evil...

I would think this is how many would view the term of *WORK*... like Urban Dictionary's awful definitions. 

When I hear the term "Work"... it conjures up something I want to "get over with"...it's not enjoyable...It's work! ... I want to get it done.... so we can kick up our feet & relax...that's my view. I know my husband would say the same. 

As far as his job....He likes what he does.... but some of the people he works with make it the most "WORK" ! 




> Just like there are some people who actually* love* their job. They're* proud* of it even though sometimes its hard and gets dirty.
> But they enjoy it nevertheless.
> They enjoy the perks, the holidays , the benefits everything!


And this was your definition... very Positive / rewarding ! 




> So if you and your partner are compatible, then there's work to be done at various times to keep the marriage progressing. But you both enjoy doing it.


Where you use the term WORK...I might use "*compromises*" instead. 



> However, if the marriage is a mismatch , then the work becomes tedious and there is resentment.


 This would be much more difficult....those rough waters, then you get back on the ship, to be thrown overboard again... 



> *Jaquen said*: It did feel very much like building a house. Now it just feels like the house is built, and we're in a light maintenance phase. It doesn't feel like "work" any longer, and hasn't in years.


 How important a firm Foundation is..... I've always felt this is a great scripture for the foundation of a Good marriage.










You had Baggage Jaquen ? You always sounded like you had it all together? My baggage was ..I wanted out of my house... and to find my one true love... so we could make our own lives... Which I found in him. 

His baggage was... nothing really, other than being somehow of a Loner....he came from a wonderful family, they even took me in to live with them When his dad heard I was living in a camper, he told my husband...." She can't do that ! Move her in, she can have the room next to your brothers"... and so I did .


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's work but I love it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> It's work but I love it.


:iagree:

HaHa!!!

Me too...........
And its very rewarding.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Let's be honest. Work brought us (TAMERS) together. If I didn't care to be married or in a relationship then I wouldn't have found TAM.

Granted once someone pointed out "His needs/Her needs" I could have left. But I'm compelled to stay at this point anyway.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> We hear this all the time; marriage, or long time relationships, are "work". Common phrases are bandied about such as "marriage isn't easy!", or "you have to fight to stay together".
> 
> I totally agree that building a solid foundation for a relationship requires work. But does there ever come a time where you feel like the building is pretty much finished. Sure you have to maintain, but should it always feel like "work"?


It's difficult to answer because, on the one hand, I think that there are major issues(like communicating effectively) that couples usually "get" at a certain point in the marriage if they stick to it and try. But, since everyone continues to change throughout their life, I don't think that any marriage gets to a place where the work is "finished". What makes me feel loved today might not be what makes me feel loved ten years from now. So, essentially, we're always learning about the other person to a certain extent.



> Do you feel that how much marriage feels like actual, hard work is related to how compatible you are with your spouse? How much you are still in love?


NO. Not at all. I think that how much it feels like work can be based on a lot of things; inner struggles, outward struggles, family issues, etc.



> Are there any people who there who actually find being married to be more smooth sailing than rough waters? Who feel there is a genuine easy to being with their partner, and not so much "work", or a fight?


When my husband and I are both working to put the other first, our fights are always shorter and much rarer and less extreme. When either of us gets lazy or spiteful, and chooses not to meet the other's needs, the difficulties, if not actually worse, at least seem worse.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You had Baggage Jaquen ? You always sounded like you had it all together?


Enough to put Louis Vuitton out of business. I've spoken of past issues on the board before.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Let's be honest. Work brought us (TAMERS) together. If I didn't care to be married or in a relationship then I wouldn't have found TAM.


Wanting to see if other people were loving being married, and wanting to talk about the positive sides of marriage, brought me to TAM.

The train wrecks, the people, the discussions,and the wonderful insanity keep on TAM.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

For me it feels natural. I feel like I was really meant to be married and have a family.

Work to me is a job or cleaning the house, laundry, ironing, washing floors, ect...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Good post, and good questions.

I think at the early stages of a relationship there is a teething period, where both parties are learning to adapt to living with one another. But in a healthy relationship this should evolve to become part of the foundation and bond that will eventually hold it together through thick and thin. The learning and growing together uniting them in a place of mutual comfort, trust, respect and understanding.

I think where a relationship is built on power struggles, one upmanship and neither party being willing or able to compromise and/or bend - this is when it is always going to feel like 'work.'


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

jaquen said:


> We hear this all the time; marriage, or long time relationships, are "work". Common phrases are bandied about such as "marriage isn't easy!", or "you have to fight to stay together".
> 
> I totally agree that building a solid foundation for a relationship requires work. But does there ever come a time where you feel like the building is pretty much finished. Sure you have to maintain, but should it always feel like "work"?
> 
> ...


It is DEFINITELY going to feel like work from time to time.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

The marriage is going to feel like work for those that are married that need work as individuals. Two people that come from abusive households are going to have more problems making a marriage work than two people who grew up in 'normal' households.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thundarr said:


> Let's be honest. Work brought us (TAMERS) together. If I didn't care to be married or in a relationship then I wouldn't have found TAM.
> 
> Granted once someone pointed out "His needs/Her needs" I could have left. But I'm compelled to stay at this point anyway.


My reasons for landing here is not the norm....a sex drive increase that took me by storm....I was beginning to think I had a Sex Addiction...so found such a forum to talk about it... but it was not "happening" enough....they told me I didn't have a sex addiction...just a healthy high sex drive..... 

Yeah, I wanted a little MORE out of my husband & found myself frustrated at times...since I found my







...but we worked through all that. 

Every sex forum I went too was "too loose/ too Jokey/ too many singles/ the casual sex attitude through the roof (I would have been a piranha out of water there)......the posters seemed half brainless, couldn't carry on an intelligent conversation for the life of them.... I wanted more than that. The christian forum I found was way too strict/ judgemental to the point of annoyance, I would have been Jezebel among them. 

So when I found TAM....I just felt ... THIS is what I've been looking for... and darn ....it was just too easy to get sucked in & hooked!! ....like so many of us. 

It's like playing "Dear Abby" every day... Years ago I used to say - that would be the PERFECT JOB for me... always loved dissecting relationship issues... it's just a *Joy*.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

jaquen said:


> My marriage, now, doesn't feel like "work" either.
> 
> But there was a lot of "work" during our long relationship, and the first year or so of marriage. For us that work was all about doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting, trying to merge two deeply in love, but very different, people together. Carrying my baggage, and her baggage, and whatever unique baggage arose from being together, proved laborious during stretches of our relationship.
> 
> It did feel very much like building a house. Now it just feels like the house is built, and we're in a light maintenance phase. It doesn't feel like "work" any longer, and hasn't in years.


Almost exactly what I was going to post.

We have had all the normal ups and downs, conflicts problems etc. We've been together 25 years so difficult not to have some problems.

Yes I feel we have done the hard work now, and what the marriage needs is regular routine maintenance.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I bet my husband views it as more work then I do.

He's always doing his best to help me and the children. Never once in the last 14 years have I ever heard him complain of anything. I really didn't think that was humanly possible until I met and lived with him.

I'm not the calm person he is. I'm much more emotional, especially now when my pain is unbearable and I literally can't handle it anymore. If my pain was this bad as these last few days the entire last 5 years, I would of already taken my life. My kids and my husband keep me from not going into a depression and make life living for. I can't even walk that far without using a wheelchair, how embarrassing.:/. I don't even look disabled and I got yelled at yesterday parking in a handicap parking spot. I have my permit renewed every 5 years. I constantly get grief/harassed from strangers by parking up front in a disabled spot. They don't know I can only walk short distances. I can't use a walker or cane because I can not put pressure on my arms. It hurts my neck. 

My husband puts more effort physically then I do because I am unable to. I know he gets stressed at times. I can feel it when he walks through that door even though he has a smile on his face and greets me with a kiss. My husband works extremely hard at work too.

No other man would treat me this greatly. I do my absolute best around here to pull my own weight. I do my best to meet my own husbands needs. I fully appreciate and adore all his efforts!

My husband and I are great communicators, however I do my best not to complain about my disability and my pain. He knows when it's unbearable, sometimes it lasts for weeks. I am stuck on the couch or bed with ice packs. If I'm breaking down in tears, I'll either go in the bedroom or chicken coop where no one can see me.

My husband truly makes our marriage very easy. We put each other as our priority. We both are very supportive if each others dreams and hobbies. We both spend time with each other daily uninterrupted and we give each other space.

We try to balance it out, but my husband puts more effort into everything. I truly married a nice guy. I truly appreciate his kindness and would never take it for granted. I've said this before, but I am the luckiest wife on TAM!

Life in itself is never easy. We all have our own issues we need to deal with. It's up to us how we deal with them.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> We try to balance it out, but my husband puts more effort into everything. I truly married a nice guy. I truly appreciate his kindness and would never take it for granted. I've said this before, but I am the luckiest wife on TAM!


I believe you are I'mInLoveWithMyHubby ~ you have a true gem of a man there ~ one of those "one in a million" types. 

You hit the Jackpot with him ~ and a good man is worth more than the deepest pot of Gold or silver this world could give.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I truly appreciate his kindness and would never take it for granted. * I've said this before, but I am the luckiest wife on TAM!*


I A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y  love it when a woman could genuinely speak that way about her husband!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

SimplyAmorous got to the essence of this - like so many other threads on this forum the answer to this marriage and work question hinges on how one defines the ambiguous term "work" and applying that to marriage. And added to that are the life experiences that people bring to defining the words work and marriage.
In answering these types of questions, one always needs to provide such context to their answer otherwise we can talk at cross purposes.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yeah, I wanted a little MORE out of my husband & found myself frustrated at times...since I found my
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 It just dawned on me, I used the term "WORK"......yep, it's all a labor of Love....


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

"Work" is what you make it. 

Consider kids.... they might be considered "work". I've heard parents gripe forever about how much work it is, or what they have to do... No, they are children who you bore and you GET to do stuff... out of love.

Consider your job... I looooooove my job....it's not like work! I'm a teacher, and every Monday there are some who come in saying "Is it Friday yet?" Noooooooooo..... think of all the stuff we GET to do!!! 

Considering the marriage... Mine is the awesomest. We CHERISH each other, and we make it obvious to each other... our friends make icky faces at us.  We do it all with love, desire, pleasure, care, etc... So no, it's not work. 

"Work" is a subjective word, isn't it?


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