# Husband just told me he wants to separate



## Dana5 (Dec 19, 2021)

Husband just told me he wants to separate but I till love him …. Neither of us had cheated on each other bust he claimed he is happier By himself and I do not know how to deal with that….


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why do you think this is. Could there be another person? 
Do you have children? Would he go to marriage counselling?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

were you guys fighting a lot? 
was the sex life ok? House chores divided up equally? Financial issues? One of you lose a job recently?

seems a little odd, out of the blue, he would hit you with this. it kind of implies that he has been unhappy for quite some time, and finally blurted it all out. 

discussions with him would be the first step. try to step back and ask him, unemotionally, what is wrong, why he thinks the two of you have grown apart.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Dana5 said:


> Husband just told me he wants to separate but I till love him …. Neither of us had cheated on each other bust he claimed he is happier By himself and I do not know how to deal with that….


Has there been any issues that have been simmering for a long time?
Has he changed any of his habits or mannerisms for the better as of late or is he exercising?


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## Dana5 (Dec 19, 2021)

Well I think that is because he disclosed to me that he liked to play his video games and just relax when he come home from work and this was like 3 years ago… and I know he love to play his game from time to time and during our marriage I could have tell that he would sacrifice playing his game to spend time with me… but I never asked him to he just felt he needed to do that to make me happy I guess.
There could be another person but when I asked he said there is no one he is seeing or interested in at the moment but I don’t know if he is telling me this just to be nice and not hurt me feelings.
He has a 14 daughter from previous marriage who lived with us since she was 4 but I don’t have any kids with him.
I have asked him about counseling but he refused… he said the first marriage before our marriage the women tried to take him to counseling and he resented her more


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## Dana5 (Dec 19, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> were you guys fighting a lot?
> was the sex life ok? House chores divided up equally? Financial issues? One of you lose a job recently?
> 
> seems a little odd, out of the blue, he would hit you with this. it kind of implies that he has been unhappy for quite some time, and finally blurted it all out.
> ...


 We were not fighting a lot per day it was that we didn’t see eye to eye o parenting styles…. I could have sense he was not always happy but whenever I asked him he said he was good … he was in the marriage but I could tell sometimes his head was elsewhere.
After his first marriage I think he didn’t give himself time to heal and spend time with himself but instead he started dating me from what he told me 4 months or so out of his marriage… so looking back on it maybe he need Time to find himself.

I love him but I think he does get depressed from time to time but I am willing to work with him but he is not .. from what he says he like being and living a boring lifestyle going to and from work and coming home and playing his game and sleeping…. So when he says that nowhere in that does it include time for family… now I feel like 8 years has gone down the drain


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Cheaters always lie.

The fact that he says there's nobody else means nothing.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like he loves his game more than he loves being married. He used you to raise his daughter for him. Leave him to it. He won't have nearly as much time to play when he is entirely responsible for himself and his daughter.


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## Dana5 (Dec 19, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Has there been any issues that have been simmering for a long time?
> Has he changed any of his habits or mannerisms for the better as of late or is he exercising?


There have been issues such as the difference in parenting styles… he was the lover and spoil the child where I was like the stern parent and we never agreed on alot of thing in that aspect, and I called her out of name one day in angry and he called me out for that which I was wrong and apologize. After that I noticed his change in attitude towards me but I told him I was sorry and he claimed it was past but I felt otherwise.
I know every parent is to protect his or her child but I felt I did apologize and was hoping that would have help but apparently he was still holding to that and making mental notes


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

child rearing differences in technique really DO cause friction, and can build up over the years. Sorry to hear that is a major issue, because that deed is done, and there is no easy way to take back all that stuff.

Speaking as a guy, guys really do not take too well to their wives ignoring their wishes/suggestions on how to raise their kids.


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## Dana5 (Dec 19, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> child rearing differences in technique really DO cause friction, and can build up over the years. Sorry to hear that is a major issue, because that deed is done, and there is no easy way to take back all that stuff.
> 
> Speaking as a guy, guys really do not take too well to their wives ignoring their wishes/suggestions on how to raise their kids.


I do appreciate the guys’d perspective. I understand that other folks do not want to hear on how to raise their kids but when it is all said and done there had to been a compromise but is it so much harder knowing that I still have love for this man only for him to tell me that he don’t know what he wants in life and that he is happier being alone which I think is bogus ….cause eventually he will get tired of being alone . Right now I need to find a way to help me move forward and how to deal with letting go of someone who does not see or view me as the love of his life


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## Dana5 (Dec 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> It sounds like he loves his game more than he loves being married. He used you to raise his daughter for him. Leave him to it. He won't have nearly as much time to play when he is entirely responsible for himself and his daughter.


It is funny cause I thought the same thing,…I was there to help raise his kid in which he said he didn’t want in the first place with his ex..he always claimed that she was a mistake but I failed to see that as a red flag for him not wanting to have kids with me. And now his daughter is 14 years of age he then decided to send her back to her mother after I have done all the hard work from age 4 until now..but unlike other people or should I say women I know who will run for the hills when they hear a man have kids instead I stuck around and took care of a child that I did not bear but with what I could I provided and instilled the best I know how


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Dana5 said:


> It is funny cause I thought the same thing,…I was there to help raise his kid in which he said he didn’t want in the first place with his ex..he always claimed that she was a mistake but I failed to see that as a red flag for him not wanting to have kids with me. And now his daughter is 14 years of age he then decided to send her back to her mother after I have done all the hard work from age 4 until now..but unlike other people or should I say women I know who will run for the hills when they hear a man have kids instead I stuck around and took care of a child that I did not bear but with what I could I provided and instilled the best I know how


to be honest, starting around 14 years of age, kids go their own way anyway. they hang out with their friends, keep their noses in their IPhones, and do NOT hang out with their parents anymore. So, her physically moving to her biological parents place would be somewhat similar to if she was still living with you. 

i guess we would have to ask a ton more questions to offer valid advice....what your husband is doing does not make a lot of logical sense. and indeed, you worked very hard raising this kid, and are getting no credit at all for that hard work.

i would guess that your husband has some sort of socializing defect, and that is probably also why his first marriage ended in divorce. we tend to get more rigid in our ways the older we get, and his anti social behavior is only going to keep getting worse.

maybe if he does have clinical depression, the right medicines would make it easier to live with him.

How does his daughter feel about him abandoning her to her biological mother's place? She has to be hurt by that a lot!


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

I just read your first post and the first sentences of your second.

You ssid exactly what I expected.

Girl, you are married to a schizoid person.

They prefer to be alone. They escape into worlds of fantasy and science fiction to escape reality and human contact.

They want relationships, but not bein close to any one.
They can't deal with themselves nor any other human.
If you get children he will ignore them most of the time.

He is also ignoring all of your desires. Even worse, he hates when you initiate sex most likely.
Gets aggressive. You might have to wait for gim to initiate sex or you won't get any.

He is also not making love to you. Sex is just mechanicly performed. No erotic invoved.

Yes, he is honest. Their is no other woman in his live.
If there is an other woman it would be only his mother who abuses him as an substitute for her husband. Who is either physicaly absent from her live or - like you partner - 'mentally' absent.

Google 'partner of schizoid people'.


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

Oh, I just read that he abondent his daughter...
Told ya.
Listen to me. Trust me. There is no doubt.

And ye, schizoid people are always depressed, because they are demaged. But schizoidity is also genetics. The can not be healed.

Just let him go. He is not what you want from a partner. Even Asoergers struggle with partners like this often, but can often be a good match.

Normal people not.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

GaLaxya said:


> Girl, you are married to *sma *Schizoid Person.


Is this a typo or an acronym (if acronym, what does it stand for)?


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Is this a typo or an acronym (if acronym, what does it stand for)?


Typo, sorry. I meant 'a' ...


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## Dana5 (Dec 19, 2021)

GaLaxya said:


> I just read your first post and the first sentences of your second.
> 
> You ssid exactly what I expected.
> 
> ...



He would sometimes tell our daughter to go play in her room or go outside or something but what parents does not do That from time to time to get their kids out of their hair… I just did not suspect that to be part of that disorder.
I wouldn’t say he hated when I initiated sex but I felt at most that I was the only one who initiated in order for that to happen in the moment… he was not spontaneous at all with the intimacy.
But he was sweet and would give random kisses from time to time..
A few things of this problem was similar in his character


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## Dana5 (Dec 19, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> to be honest, starting around 14 years of age, kids go their own way anyway. they hang out with their friends, keep their noses in their IPhones, and do NOT hang out with their parents anymore. So, her physically moving to her biological parents place would be somewhat similar to if she was still living with you.
> 
> i guess we would have to ask a ton more questions to offer valid advice....what your husband is doing does not make a lot of logical sense. and indeed, you worked very hard raising this kid, and are getting no credit at all for that hard work.
> 
> ...


I do not know how the daughter feels about him letting her go back to leave with biological mom….she never mentioned her feels towards part of the picture 
From what I know, she is happy being back with her mom and her siblings so I don’t think it bothered her that she is no longer with us …


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

_@Dana5 _You didn’t answer someone’s question about sex/intimacy; is that important to you? Or him? How were things before you got married?

Also why no kids of your own? Was that decided ahead of time?

And you mentioned wasting 8 years of your line I think? Is that because you’d like to settle down and have kids, or just frustrated this didn’t work out?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dana5 said:


> Husband just told me he wants to separate but I till love him …. Neither of us had cheated on each other bust he claimed he is happier By himself and I do not know how to deal with that….


Get an attorney. Don't agree to just separate. You'll be in limbo forever while he goes and does whatever he's wanting to do. File for divorce. He didn't come to you wanting to work things out in counseling. I'm sure he knew that was an option. 

Don't stay where you're not wanted.


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

Dana5 said:


> He would sometimes tell our daughter to go play in her room or go outside or something but what parents does not do That from time to time to get their kids out of their hair… I just did not suspect that to be part of that disorder.
> I wouldn’t say he hated when I initiated sex but I felt at most that I was the only one who initiated in order for that to happen in the moment… he was not spontaneous at all with the intimacy.
> But he was sweet and would give random kisses from time to time..
> A few things of this problem was similar in his character


Well, my example was a bit drastic and too short to understand.
There are two types of schizoid.

The uncovered one. They are quite obvious to everyone. These are those loneley nerd types kind of.

Second type is the 'covert schizoid'. this might be your husband as they are more likely to end up in relationships.

They seem social from the out side. They are usually very popular and charming. They help everybody without complaining.

But it is more like a maskerade. When they go home, they want to be alone and spend time with their hobbies.

I was a couple of years with such a person. The coverd type.
It was very difficult for me also because friends and family just saw his social side. They didn't understand or believed that at home he tended to neglect me.

He showed love as well. They are not like Aspergers. At least the covered schizoid type.

My boyfriend kissed me and hugged me as well. He was not totally loveless.

Butbalready before we came together it was hard to flirt with him.

When we were together I realised that he would withdraw when I was sick. He literally ignored mee being sick at bed.
He wouldn't provide any care.
Even when I asked him why, he just shrugged his shoulder.

There is a lot to tell, but there are forums which explain it.

But for example we came into a severe crisis. I stopped asking for sex.
Sorry I explained it the wrong way earlier. You can initiate, but I at least was not allowed to do it in an emotional or sensual way. Otherwise he would get pissed. 😑
But this correlates with their issues to not wanting to deal with other peoples emotions.
Therefore, I learned to ask (!) him quiteley.

Characteristic for SP (schizoid people) is that they draw you close and then they punsh you in the belly to push you away.
This goes on and on and it leaves the partner confused and traumatised.

It is not even on a daily bases. You don't know when.

My boyfriend was also never interessted really in my body like other men during sex. He never kissed me intensly all over. No foreplay to get hot . he kissed me, but their was never an emotional personal passion. He also never said my name during sex.

Oh, yes. We got into a crisis,, but there was an other story before I stopped asking for sex.
He went on holiday and met an other women.
I found out. I doubt they got physical or anything and he also told me and it was rather short as she also lost interesst, because he is very passive sexually...
She was not the issue. We were about to break up before he met her. 

But he revealed to me once she was gone, that he can't live with someone. That it seems to run in his family.
They all tend to live alone in his family.

You see the parallel to your husband?
That is why I tell you all of this. What he said is very revealing and you should take it serious. He is telling the truth.

And here comes the best about what else my boyfriend said in this conversation. he said that we could have children (he didn't bother caring if I wanted children from him. Why would he), and we would live in seperate houses.
The children (obviously) would live with me and could come visit him whenever they wanted.


Something also of interesst to you is, that towards the end, I became scared of going and lay down on the sofa with him to watch telly. I started to sit on a different sofa. He then looked at me sad and asked me, if I don't want to cuddle with him as we usually did. It was never an issue. But I started to get scared of something he always tolerated.
It was just, after years I was so confused by always being pushed away, that I started to protect myself by withholding my needs.

You see, they can be emotional and cute, and in need of phyiaical contact or intimacy. It is just not stable and they will always push, actually punch you away without you doing anything wrong.

At the end I stopped initiating sex and he never approached me. I also think today he prefered porn as this is easier and without emotional attachment.

Stopping sleeping with him healed me. I disconnected with him after 6 month. Sex was for me the obly thing that attached me to him, because all the other things were missing.

Oh he also hated going on holidays with me. He would have prefered me to go on my own or with my friends. He once also let me know in detail how he enjoyed it, after he went out walking in the woods on his own as he insisted to do.
I never saw him that happy and reliefed.
Well, even when I ended the relationship he seemed reliefed.
Although he told me he enjoyed our relationship amd sharing a life together.
I know. Doesn't seem to makes sense unless you understand the dissorder.

I also had psychological consultation to get answers about life, before I broke up with him.

When I told the psychologist that my boyfriend once said , he doesn't like to spend time thinking about other people (I am not sure if this translation makes sense), the psychologist abruptly changed his seating position and he looked really, really concerned at me.

Later the psychologist told me I picked a boyfriend, that doesn't care about my needs or feelings. I learned after my relationship ended that this is literally a synonym for schizoid partner.

My boyfriend had also always friends who were schizoid. Espescially one and he always told me how understood he felt when talking to this guy.
I didn't like him. When we went out in groups ge would bring his sci-fi book and read while we were chatting. Every now and then he would engage.

On one occasion, one of our friends had a crush on him. She started stroking his legs under the table with her leg.
Oh my god, he freaked out and told her to stop it.
Really said. But he was a uncovered schizoid and they are worse.

Parallels that I saw also to my boyfriend or other schizoid people ia, that they tens to run around with the aame clothes for years. Especially jackets and jumpers.

They also have the same hair cut for years. They are not interessted in making themself look sexy for the other sex.

One other thing that might help you understand what this personality dissorder also includes is, that those people wpuld never save you from a burning house. Nor their kids unless some one tells them.
They love you, but you nor any one is worth getting overly exited. Be it because your live is in danger.

their emotions are very shallow. This doesn't mean they behave always letargig. No.
They can lough loud, they can look you in the eye, kiss you, get aroused by your actions.
They just don't care about you. If they want to ve with you, it is because they need it. Not because you need it.

But there is always a wall and you are just allowed to go that far. If you come to close, you'll get punched. But they love you. In their own way and just don't want you close or around all the time.
Maybe just to come over for some sex.
Maybe cuddle for a few hours and then off they go.
They don't want to deal with how you are feeling or coping with live. This is your problem not theirs.

It just came to my mind, they are like cats! I think this is a good example more or less.

Nevertheless, they are highly toxic if you are a person that needs stability and real intimacy.

For me another indicator are the eyes. They have in my opinion dead eyes. The eyes are not smiling even if they lough.

This is part of the depression. My boyfriend never appeared to me to be depressed. But that was because his shallowness. He was addicted to cannabis and actually also alcohol, but dope was his main drug.
This is very common among them.

It is a really complex dissorder. It took me years to fully understand that all those paradoxes can exist in an human being.

But it does. They can also raise children, but without deep emotion.

I know a guy who is in my opinion clearly a schizoid. His father and grandfather same so as they were never talking to each other. Never. But they were meeting as family. His father was a bit better. He talked to him, but just indirectly and he also called him only 'it'. It should come here. It needs to go to school. 
his fathers escape from family was work. He worked so much his children rarely saw him. But he never left his family.

You see, it is quite complex.
I am npt a psychomogist. I use it to explain certain personality traits. If your husband has it or not is the decision of a psychologist.
Maybe you can ask him. It might be he knows already and therefore told you he needs to live alone. He is in therapy. He must have talked about it with the expert.
And it is also part of their personality, that he might not have told you about it. Because... yeah why bother. You know...

That's how they think. A normal person would tell his partner, those peope are able to not say anything. Therefore, there is a chance he knows what he is, if he is schizoid.

Ask him.

Last point: you won't be able to talk to him about your enotions. He will withdraw or/and get aggressive if you try to push him.

Find out what is wrong with him, bur if you find out he is schizoid learn about the dissorder or even better get psychological suppport.

As I said. Don't know of my example makes it clear to you. I also forgot a lot of things that happend in my relationship.
Luckily.

I know it is plenty what I am writting. I could write all day. But I leave it hear. Maybe I am wrong about your husband, but I think there is a great chance.

I just wanted to leave it for you or others to read.
It is rarely mentioned in this forum. But I think it is also not as nown as narcissm or other personality traits.


There is a funny book by a great author. In it he literally disscribes the inside of a schizoid man dealing with his partner. It is hillarious but also revealing.
If I ever recall who the author was, I will post it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Dana5 said:


> Well I think that is because he disclosed to me that he liked to play his video games and just relax when he come home from work and this was like 3 years ago… and I know he love to play his game from time to time and during our marriage I could have tell that he would sacrifice playing his game to spend time with me… but I never asked him to he just felt he needed to do that to make me happy I guess.
> There could be another person but when I asked he said there is no one he is seeing or interested in at the moment but I don’t know if he is telling me this just to be nice and not hurt me feelings.
> He has a 14 daughter from previous marriage who lived with us since she was 4 but I don’t have any kids with him.
> I have asked him about counseling but he refused… he said the first marriage before our marriage the women tried to take him to counseling and he resented her more


is he an extreme introvert?

like he goes to work, and spends all day coping with other people, who he hates to be near. then he comes back, and has used up all his "people skills juice" for the day, and just needs to be completely left alone to recharge his batteries?

Does he hate to go to parties, hate having the interact with others? Maybe he needs a career change where he works more at home, like coding by himself, instead of going to a workplace every day?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Sweetie,

Love isn't enough, it just isn't. I get it, you love him.

But that is NOT enough.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Cheaters always lie.
> 
> The fact that he says there's nobody else means nothing.


Go online and review your phone bill. At least rule that out.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Just because you love him doesn’t man he loves you. Stay out of the hopium addiction that will just keep you in limbo.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Dana5 said:


> Well I think that is because he disclosed to me that he liked to play his video games and just relax when he come home from work and this was like 3 years ago… and I know he love to play his game from time to time and during our marriage I could have tell that he would sacrifice playing his game to spend time with me… but I never asked him to he just felt he needed to do that to make me happy I guess.
> There could be another person but when I asked he said there is no one he is seeing or interested in at the moment but I don’t know if he is telling me this just to be nice and not hurt me feelings.
> He has a 14 daughter from previous marriage who lived with us since she was 4 but I don’t have any kids with him.
> I have asked him about counseling but he refused… he said the first marriage before our marriage the women tried to take him to counseling and he resented her more


he needs to get off his arse and tell you more. Either he is being a slug or he's cheating. This isn't on you but he needs to come clean IMO. 

Otherwise, there's nothing to work with


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Dana5 said:



...from what he says he like being and living a boring lifestyle going to and from work and coming home and playing his game and sleeping…. So when he says that nowhere in that does it include time for family… now I feel like 8 years has gone down the drain

Click to expand...

*Why this poor, POOR victim. The POS used YOU to raise the kid he never wanted while he sat on his worthless ass playing video games, and feeling self-entitled.

THIS is who you're crying over??????

I would have kicked his ass out much sooner.

Mr. Wonderful doesn't want out because you won't let the idiot play his childish video games. Mr. Wonderful wants out because he's found a new 'host' to leech off of. He's sucked YOU dry for 8+ years and now, he's got a new one all lined up and ready to go. Just because you THINK he's not cheating doesn't mean he isn't. He's such a low-life I wouldn't expect any less from his type.

Consider yourself LUCKY that he wants out - take that opportunity and run as fast as you can.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dana5 said:


> Husband just told me he wants to separate but I till love him …. Neither of us had cheated on each other bust he claimed he is happier By himself and I do not know how to deal with that….


Check your phone bill.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

He’s found someone else and she doesn’t want to be a stepmom, thus he sent his daughter back to her mom. That’s my guess. Leave this relationship. Any man sending his 14 year old daughter packing is worthless.


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