# Web of lies discovered.



## luvmygeetars

I have posted a few times now about the issues I have been dealing with, with my wife and the advice and support on this forum has been very helpful. 

Last Friday it felt like my world just absolutely collapsed. After several discussions over a number of weeks, my wife and I began talking about reconciling. I talked about what I would need - to know that I had been told the truth about her affair and that the man she cheated with (Jason) would never come back into our lives. She acknowledged that and finally told me the whole truth. As painful as it was to hear, as I was glad to have the truth and know that we could move on.....finally. She assured me yet again, that Jason was out of her life, as she has done countless times since March; she had not contacted him and never would again.

I decided to confront Jason and tell him I knew the truth, what a manipulative user he was for taking advantage of my wife while she was recovering from her psychotic breakdown and to stay out of our lives and never contact her again. My plan completely backfired in spectacular fashion. After speaking with him I finally have the real truth. I was physically ill after I got off the phone from him, and I could barely comprehend what he was telling me. In short
- my wife never stopped contact with him. Even during our marriage counselling sessions, she was still in contact with him
- their affair included physical sex, not just dirty messaging and photos like my wife said
- she has continually and repeatedly lied to me, about nearly everything it seems.
- she has lied to him. She admitted to me that she lied to him about her psychotic breakdown
- she has lied to our marriage counsellor
- she has lied to her own psychiatrist
- she has lied to all her family and friends

Everything makes so much sense now. All of the little things that didn't add up have all fallen into place now.

Since she has been caught out, she has blamed me for her lies, saying I gave her no choice. She has claimed that I am the mentally ill one, not her. She has accused me of bullying and harassing her and become extremely aggressive towards me.

I have spoken to my own therapist at length about this and his belief is that she is a compulsive or pathological liar and that until she admits her lies to herself and her therapist, she will never improve.

Does anyone have any experience with a compulsive liar? Can they be cured? I'm just in total shock about this whole thing.

I can't believe this has happened, especially after we had been speaking about reconciling.

I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.

Cheers 

Brad


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## EleGirl

I'm sorry it's come to this. Sometimes life just sucks.

How long have the two of you been married/together?
Do you have children with your wife?

Is your wife's lying something that is relatively new? Or has she lied a lot the entire time you've known her?

It is very hard for a compulsive liar to change. It stems from the person feeling that reality is not good enough so they have to create an alternative reality that makes them feel better.

The thing that I'm not sure of is if this lying is only related to the affair or her breakdown. It might be easier to cure if it's a more recent development and not the core of her personality.


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## ConanHub

Sorry dude. It is definitely not your responsibility to fix her. You should not R. She is good for no one right now. There are good women out there if you take the time to find out about them. Ele already asked much of what I would. So how about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HobbesTheTiger

I strongly recommend you read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...prepare-potential-divorce-custody-battle.html . You need this to protect yourself!

Are there any reasons why you would want to stay with her? What is your dealbreaker that would make you file for divorce?

People can change, but only with lots of hard work, therapy and lots of time. And someone like her would need lots of it to change, and in that time, it would be extremely hard on you, plus there's no guarantee you'd still love her in the end or that she'd love you in the end.

So again, why would you like to stay with her, given all the horrible things she's done and said to you?

Best wishes


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## arbitrator

Cut your losses, friend! A leopard doesn't change their spots. You do not deserve to have this happening to you for the duration of your life ~ she's toxic!

Get yourself an attorney and start ending this pronto.

The life you save may well be your very own!


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## michzz

luvmygeetars said:


> I decided to confront Jason and tell him I knew the truth, what a manipulative user he was for taking advantage of my wife while she was recovering from her psychotic breakdown and to stay out of our lives and never contact her again. My plan completely backfired in spectacular fashion. After speaking with him I finally have the real truth. I was physically ill after I got off the phone from him, and I could barely comprehend what he was telling me. In short
> - my wife never stopped contact with him. Even during our marriage counselling sessions, she was still in contact with him
> - their affair included physical sex, not just dirty messaging and photos like my wife said
> - she has continually and repeatedly lied to me, about nearly everything it seems.
> - she has lied to him. She admitted to me that she lied to him about her psychotic breakdown
> - she has lied to our marriage counsellor
> - she has lied to her own psychiatrist
> - she has lied to all her family and friends


Your experience echos what happened with my ex-wife (emphasis on ex).

A cheater such as our wives doesn't change. They want the appearance of complying with good behavior, but do not want to actually behave as a good wife should.

Your best course of action is to divorce her.

You've wasted enough effort on repairing a marriage to someone who doesn't care like you do.


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## commonsenseisn't

From my experience I can say that statistically she has almost no chance of reforming her dishonest personality. Profound liars can reform, but the odds are too poor to gamble on. She will have to have an existential crisis and hit rock bottom in order to be enabled to make the change. Doubtful it will happen. 

Thank Jason for revealing who she really is. Get on with your life. Sorry.


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## tryingpatience

luvmygeetars said:


> Everything makes so much sense now. All of the little things that didn't add up have all fallen into place now.
> 
> Since she has been caught out, she has blamed me for her lies, saying I gave her no choice. She has claimed that I am the mentally ill one, not her. She has accused me of bullying and harassing her and become extremely aggressive towards me.
> 
> I have spoken to my own therapist at length about this and his belief is that she is a compulsive or pathological liar and that until she admits her lies to herself and her therapist, she will never improve.
> 
> Does anyone have any experience with a compulsive liar? Can they be cured? I'm just in total shock about this whole thing.
> 
> I can't believe this has happened, especially after we had been speaking about reconciling.
> 
> I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.
> 
> Cheers
> 
> Brad


She may or may not be a compulsive liar. But what you described sounds like the "cheaters script" to me. I don't believe you cure anyone like this. She's just shown you where her loyalties are and they are not with you and your kids. This has happened to others, that's why I mention the "cheaters script", this includes the lying in counselling.

You will trust again. Don't let this situation define who you become. There are plenty of others out there with good hearts. Start reading the stories of others who have posted here and you'll see.


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## cdbaker

Sure, you "gave her no choice" but to lie in the sense that if she didn't, the odds of her safety-net marriage failing were much higher, she'd be humiliated, she'd have to face the reality of what she's done to you and her family, and she wouldn't be able to see her boy toy any longer. So in the sense that all of those consequences were unacceptable to her, you did leave her no choice but to spin a new web of lies.

It's possible, but as was said above, extremely unlikely that she will change, ESPECIALLY after she took the incredibly heartless and selfish route of blaming you for her clearly unacceptable decisions.

No one is ever "left with no choice." There are always other choices in any situation, it's just that the other choices are considered unacceptable, and the choice thus taken is considered to be the "least unpleastant" choice.


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