# My wife cheated on my with a dom, how to get this behind us?



## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

I posted this elsewhere (a different site) back on Sept 30th 2015 but never received great advice 

I will give you an update...

I/we are doing better now although this affair isn't behind us nor do I think it will get behind us. I've reached out to a few places for help and we'll see what they can offer us in terms of how to get this behind us. I'm hoping I can get this behind us - I really don't want to break up my family.

at times I think about the affair and it brings back the gut wrenching pain all over again. I would assume time will heal this wound

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my post from Sept 30, 2015...


My wife and I are going through something hard. She had an affair for 6 months and I knew something was up. 

She met this guy at a seasonal place of work, she has a full time job and wanted to take on this part time job for the fall/winter even though I said she didn't need to. So he started talking to her while she was working there and before her seasonal job ended I guess they exchanged numbers, he worked at a clothing store and said how he could get her discounts. I was like I don't care about the discount, I don't like you talking with him or texting him because I know what the average man talks to another woman for - to have sex with her eventually. I'm a good guy so I don't act that way. I actually don't have any girls as friends though and I know it's bad for girls to have guy friends because of this. We do go to church classes and even the 2 main married couple has said a girl having a guy friend isn't good for a marriage and vise versa. She didn't think that way. 

At our household we treat each other as equals. She said she should be able to talk to whoever she wants. She spoke about how I am on Facebook and comment on posts and receive comments from other girls and I explained how that isn't the same, I'm not private messaging them and I also stated how if it really bothered her, me being on Facebook I would stop going on it, not a problem. Because she is more important to me. She said I am important to her but all they are doing is just texting and nothing else. I knew she was lying and she wouldn't stop. So she stopped working her seasonal job in Feb. She recently was caught lying via text about everything this Sept.

Time passes and she had several times that she went out with him (secretly), he came over, they did stuff in our family car, probably at his house as well - she maybe did stuff with him 20-25 times over the 6 month period???

One Friday she said she was going out with her friend (a girl) and after 45 minutes she arrived back home, saying when she got to the bar her friend was already throwing up and that’s why she came home early.

The next day I see text messages that give me absolute proof of her cheating, explaining what really happened that night. I take pictures of the messages and wait a week and a half to see if one she comes to me instead of me confronting her and two our anniversary was within that week and a half span and I wanted to have a good anniversary.


Here I’ll explain what I found out. Ben (the one she had an affair with) ended up being so drunk that night that he stayed home puking while his fiancé who's 8 months pregnant was home with him. My wife texted Ben saying what's up, where do u want to meet. Ben’s wife called my wife and hung up. My wife got a text from Ben’s phone, it was his fiancé yelling over text how she doesn't want another girl talking to Ben and how she was 8 months pregnant (my wife knew all of this already) and my wife said how she was a Ben’s friends girlfriend and she just answered the phone of Ben’s friends phone when it rang. His fiancé believed her. So now I had proof that she lied. In Sept was our 7 year anniversary.  I didn't bring up these texts that I saw and took pictures of until 3 days after our anniversary, when I saw a text conversation that she didn't delete before I can see. Her phone was sitting on the couch and she was cleaning her something in the house. I said, what is this after I read the texts (I also have pictures of these recent texts). Both of them were conversing about how his name was Mr Black and hers was Anastasia, you can see how their relationship was. This is in reference to fifty shades of grey. Their text conversation ended up like this

B - what are you doing after work
W (my wife) - going home
B-you want me to come over
W- of course! always! (or something along that line, I don't have the pix on me right now but that pretty much sums it up)

Then the texts stopped. Now, my wife says he did not come over that day. She said they just text like that to goof around and I said that's not right, for a married woman to be texting another guy like that. I flipped the situation with how would you feel if I met a girl at a business that's next to mine and texted her often and then texted her the way you two were texting? She said it wouldn't bother her.

I sat her down and told her to communicate with me. I confessed everything I knew and showed her the texts I had taken pictures of (she deletes everything they text about from a week and a half ago). So now she was caught and she admitted everything to me. I hated actually finding out that what I suspected was in fact going on. From when she started texting Ben I always thought something was up and even verbalized my thoughts and suspicions to her many times and she always denied it. She ended up telling me that they started doing things while she was working in the seasonal job. In our family car they would go and do things. I can't stand to drive in the old family car. About a month and a half ago we bought a new family car and I've been letting her drive that primarily because she wanted to. I told her yesterday how the old family car (which I would drive to and from work) how I can't stand to be in there. How when I drive it just brings the thoughts of them cheating in my head. Her giving him oral and having sex. Ugh, my heart breaks when I think of what they did.

I asked the typical guy questions after finding out their significant other has cheated. How many times, where, was he better. She said they probably did things at least 20 times. And at least 5-10 times at our house! Most of the time at our house she said they did stuff on the couch (our entire family sits on that couch and BTW, before actually knowing that she had an affair we ordered new couches last week and they're arriving today also before knowing we ordered a new mattress, our old one was like 15 years old so it was time so at least we won't have those items to remind us of this affair- she said the couch would never make her think about the affair but it surly would remind me - our old couches needed to get replaced anyway) but she said one time they had sex on our bed : ( Oh how all of this is breaking me up. I feel the pain in my heart! Even now, just recalling our conversation with me telling you. Her giving him oral and them having sex, man does this hurt. It's going to take some time to get over this and we spoke about it. I still love her and want to be with her and she says she still loves me and want's to be with me. We have 2 kids, 6 and 8 BTW. She mentioned how Ben and her had a dom/sub relationship and she liked it. She said it turned her on for him to shove her head so she would be made to deep throat. I guess I will have to start being a dom for her so she gets satisfied from now on. She says she wants to stay with me and I’m glad she chooses me. She said she just let temptation get the best of her. Her and I are white and he is black BTW.

One thing I forgot. About a month and a half ago we started going to the swingers club after talking about it for a little while. The 1st time we went we didn't do anything with another couple, everyone there was too old in my mind but she did in fact kiss another girl and she liked it. It turned me on seeing her kiss her at the time. They had private rooms and that night we just went into one by ourselves and had a good time. We started getting on a site that had a bunch of swingers which was a community to meet swingers basically. We messaged a few and had conversations via text. So the next time about 2 weeks later we went to another swingers club again and that time there was actually a couple that the girl seems young. So we talked to them and we ended up going to a hotel they had 15 minutes away because all of the private rooms were taken. My wife and the girl gave each other oral, kissed and that was basically all. I told the couple that we just wanted the girls to do stuff (I wasn't to keen on the guy doing stuff with my wife) and they said no problem. There was a little tying up (both girls like to be tied) and the girls had their fun. So that all happened and then another week goes by and we go to another club that is said to have a younger crowd. We met up with a couple we've been texting up there and sure, we talked to a few couples there but they weren't what we were looking for. But the couple we met up with after talking to them for about 2 hours they said how they were going to go find a room and we could join them if we wanted. We knew that they just wanted to do soft swap and that is was happened. We went to the room after my wife and I talked and both agreed. Soft swapping occurred and my wife liked it a lot, me I didn't so much. Yeah it kind of turned me on being with another girl but I think I love my wife too much to really enjoy it. Sure I came in the other girls mouth and she swallowed it (sorry if I'm giving you too much info here) but me seeing the other guys **** in my wives mouth - I didn't like. Even now, picturing it I don't like it. I told her this and told her that maybe with a younger couple it may not bother me as much (we are 30 and the other couple was 40). I told her maybe we could try it once or twice more to see if it still bothers me. We were in agreement.

BUT after learning of the truth that my wife was in fact cheating on me, several times I can't swing again and told her this. She said even though she wants more from sex, she said we will stop for me because it should be something that both of us like. I always thought swinging was a sin which I'm sure it is although the definition of adultery is "voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse." I technically never sinned in this course of swinging life. I even asked my wife if she thought what we were doing was a sin and she said if both of us are consenting and are with each other then no, it's not sin - I always thought otherwise. I saw a text a while back, after we visited a swingers club for the 1st time between my wife and Ben. My wife was talking about our experience there and asked what her punishment would be because she went there before he did. I guess Ben is into swinging and that is was got my wife wanting to get into it. I hate this.

I know you can't change the past and that you should keep the past in the past and work towards the future. I'm asking you for any suggestions that would help me get this behind us. My wife says she's sorry many times since I caught her and she had to confess. I told her many times, if she wants to stay in the swinging life than maybe we should separate and she said no, I'm all she needs and wants which makes me feel happy. I asked if she was sure and she said yes. I asked if she still wants to do stuff with him and she said no. She explained their relationship/sex life to me because I asked. She said he was the dom and she was the sub and she likes that. Oh, in the course of their affair she learned how to deepthroat while giving oral and one time all of the sudden she knew how to do that to me, in the back of my mind I knew he taught her. Man, this is so messed up. I shared this with her, what I thought about that and she confirmed it so. I asked how he taught her and she said he explained to her and he basically shoved it down her throat and she said gagging like that turned her on.

I was raised in a Christian home and was taught to respect women. Maybe that's why I'm not so rough with her. Seems I need to be. We are both freaks in the bed, everything goes basically. Now, maybe this all stems from her being a **** in high school, giving guys head often, maybe from her being raped by her uncle when she was 13 and that's the underlining issue of why she did everything.

I'm asking you how can I get this affair behind us, stay married and be better than ever. When she deepthroats me I bet it will bring up thoughts in my mind of her affair. Ugh, help me/us please. She says she regrets it and loves me. I love her and I don't want to break up our family. Show us the way please. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for any help that you may provide.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Wow, women really must eat up this 50 shades of grey propaganda. You're a perfect example of why swinging, threesomes and other devient actions should not be part of a marriage. Also Sounds like she's more loyal to POS than to you. 

If it were me, I would file D and co-parent. You're not going to get those images out of your head.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm confused why what you did with the swingers was not "voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse," and therefore not a sin. 

Was it involuntary?


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

no sexual intercourse technically


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

as for getting the images out of my head you're right and as I've read online on many articles I will never. Time will dull the pain and I was hoping someone would offer other advise. I want to stay with my wife and she wants to stay with me. I guess that's that. I decided to stick with her. I will have to deal with my pain as certain things trigger the memories of the affair.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sjoe6435 said:


> no sexual intercourse technically


So you're saying if your wife had only had oral sex with the black dude, it wouldn't be adultery?


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

no "SecondTime'Round" I'm saying us doing the swinging we never had sex with anyone else at that time so I did not sin, technically. She for sure did! You're getting off topic though, I was reaching out seeing if anyone can give me advice on how to get this behind us.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sjoe6435 said:


> no "SecondTime'Round" I'm saying us doing the swinging we never had sex with anyone else at that time so I did not sin, technically. She for sure did! You're getting off topic though, I was reaching out seeing if anyone can give me advice on how to get this behind us.


But if she had only had oral sex and not intercourse, would her activities have been a sin? Would you have considered that adultery (sin)? 

As to how to get it behind you, just pretend you were doing your usual swinging activities I guess. I don't personally see much difference. You're both OK with sharing each other, right?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If we're going to go all Biblical, then yes, swinging qualifies as both "adultery" and "sin". And yes, that's even when there is no actual penetration involved.

That said, as long as all parties are on board w/ whatever, it's not necessarily _infidelity_.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

So, did you lust after the women you did not have sex with? I realize that this is not why you are here, but I think it would be helpful for you to stop trying to make technical rationalizations for what you want.


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

ok, ok - we were trying the swinging, obviously I'm not ok with sharing her. We tried it and I didn't mind a girl doing things to her but did not like the guy doing things with her as the other girl was doing things with me. Thank you for commenting though. To clarify, with swinging we only did what's called soft swap - no intercourse. When she cheated on my behind my back she had sex.

And thank you for your advice on how to get it behind us, that's one way I could look at it but that's not the truth of the situation so that's a no go.

I chose to stay with her, I guess a marriage counselor is needed.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sjoe6435 said:


> ok, ok - we were trying the swinging, obviously I'm not ok with sharing her. We tried it and I didn't mind a girl doing things to her but did not like the guy doing things with her as the other girl was doing things with me. Thank you for commenting though. *To clarify, with swinging we only did what's called soft swap - no intercourse. When she cheated on my behind my back she had sex.*
> 
> And thank you for your advice on how to get it behind us, that's one way I could look at it but that's not the truth of the situation so that's a no go.
> 
> I chose to stay with her, I guess a marriage counselor is needed.


So, if she'd only had oral sex, what would your reaction be? Still cheating (sin) because you didn't know about it, or OK because it wasn't intercourse and it was with a guy? 

I'm just trying to wrap my brain around this whole "oral sex is not adultery" thing.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I think you need to think a lot about whether or not you can really recover from this.

Is she really remorseful? Is her statement about be willing to deny herself what she wants from sex, something you can really live with? Will she always want more than she can have with just you? Are you ok with that?


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

@Tasorundo I wouldn't say "lust" - her and I would look online at this one swingers site and if we felt an attraction to the girl (sometimes there were couples and if that was the case she would give her opinion on her doing things with him and if I didn't like the look of the guy (maybe he looked like he had some std or something I'd say no way)) but as I said, swinging is behind us. I care too much for her to allow another man to do sex acts with her.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

sjoe6435 said:


> ok, ok - we were trying the swinging, obviously I'm not ok with sharing her. We tried it and I didn't mind a girl doing things to her but did not like the guy doing things with her as the other girl was doing things with me. Thank you for commenting though. To clarify, with swinging we only did what's called soft swap - no intercourse. When she cheated on my behind my back she had sex.
> 
> And thank you for your advice on how to get it behind us, that's one way I could look at it but that's not the truth of the situation so that's a no go.
> 
> I chose to stay with her, *I guess a marriage counselor is needed*.



This is far beyond getting advice from an internet forum, you need an experienced MC and IC's for both of you.


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

@SecondTime'Round - if I didn't know about it than it's cheating and I wouldn't be ok with it.
@Tasorundo - we will see I guess huh. She said sex with him was just sex - see, she has had sexual relations throughout her earlier life with mostly blacks. We've been married for 7 years and as I wrote, this guy started talking with her and I guess (as she says) temptation got the best of her. She says she will have more control and not let her get into a situation like this again. She says she knows how much it hurt me and I verbalize my pain. She knows if she cheats on me again I will not take her back


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sjoe6435 said:


> @Tasorundo I wouldn't say "lust" - her and I would look online at this one swingers site and if we felt an attraction to the girl (sometimes there were couples and if that was the case she would give her opinion on her doing things with him and if I didn't like the look of the guy (maybe he looked like he had some std or something I'd say no way)) but as I said, swinging is behind us. I care too much for her to allow another man to do sex acts with her.


You could make a lot of money if you get that super power of yours patented.

(Your ability to tell if someone has an STD by looking at a pic)


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> This is far beyond getting advice from an internet forum, you need an experienced MC and IC's for both of you.


What's IC's?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sjoe6435 said:


> @SecondTime'Round - if I didn't know about it than it's cheating and I wouldn't be ok with it.
> 
> @Tasorundo - we will see I guess huh. She said sex with him was just sex - see, she has had sexual relations throughout her earlier life with mostly blacks. We've been married for 7 years and as I wrote, this guy started talking with her and I guess (as she says) temptation got the best of her. She says she will have more control and not let her get into a situation like this again. She says she knows how much it hurt me and I verbalize my pain. She knows if she cheats on me again I will not take her back


How were you able to get over it enough to celebrate your anniversary even though you knew? Did you have sex with her on your anniversary? Unprotected?


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

@SecondTime'Round - I think you are of no help so I'm not going to respond to you anymore. Nothing of what you're commenting helps my situation. Take care.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sjoe6435 said:


> @SecondTime'Round - I think you are of no help so I'm not going to respond to you anymore. Nothing of what you're commenting helps my situation. Take care.


OK, but can I still comment?


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

Am I the only one feeling like if you allow your wife to suck another dude off than you are pretty much allowing her to cheat as well? You are dancing on a fine line, man. Sounds like you guys are basically sex-crazed and that's fine, but you can't be a freak on one night and then Mr. Christian Husband the next night. Pick a lane, bro.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

................


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Reminds me of discussion involving an ex US president.

If I understand, the "soft swinging" was ok.

It was the sex that wasn't part of the swinging deal?

Seems like your wife wants/likes the open lifestyle that you were exploring more than she admitted. 

Try a professional counselor for yourself.


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## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

My spidey senses are tingling!


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Read the other story ...........


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

Thank you everyone for your words. We r wrking through this. I love her and she loves me. I forgave her for cheating but if this happens again we'll seperate.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

The biggest hurdle that I see for you to get past is this fact, which IMO is one of the most disrespectful things a WS can do in an A.

You warned her about this POS before any A ever happened.....and she gaslighted and lied right to your face.

Then she proceeded to blow right past your warnings and screw this scumbag anyway....all the while continuing to lie and deceive you.

IMO, this is an unforgivable act.....maybe the biggest 'f*ck you' that a WS can give to their BS.

Plus she violated your marital home and bed in the process.

She was told to stay away from this POS, but decided to betray everything you have together anyway.

If you want to stay and try R with her....I wish you all the best.

Personally, I think you should kick her to the curb hard after this level of betrayal.


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

Thank u


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

It's hard to leave her.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My friend you just refuse to see the light. She had sex in the car. So you bought a new one and she drives that and you drive the stained up one. 

She brings this man in your home and they have sex on your couch so you get a new couch. Then you find out that she brought this bum into your bed and so you bought a new mattress.. You throw out the couch, you throw out the mattress so let me ask you is there anything else you need to throw out? 

What she did was so low class by bringing a man in your home and in your bed not to mention the total complete disrespect she shown you and you still can't see the forest from the trees. 

You have people her giving you good advice and you start getting huffy about it and what for, because they told you what your blocking in your mind?

She needs to be out on her ear. The only reason she's sticking around is for the comfort of a home and a husband who rolls over and plays dead on command. You better wise up and take charge of the situation or it will get worse. Try getting your self respect and dignity back. There shouldn't have been a anniversary except when you packed her bags and drove her over to that guys house. Sorry friend your fault.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Well it won't be so hard if there's a next time and given her history it'll probably repeat.

Don't have kids and get an STD test like yesterday.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Wow! I had to stop reading after the swingers shenanigans. So your wife is cheating on you in your opinion, however, you both go to a swingers club in agreement???? This is probably harsh but I don't think you two should be married to each other. Going swinging is not going to solve your problems!!!


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

sjoe6435 said:


> no "SecondTime'Round" I'm saying us doing the swinging we never had sex with anyone else at that time so I did not sin, technically. She for sure did! You're getting off topic though, I was reaching out seeing if anyone can give me advice on how to get this behind us.


Sorry, sjoe, but I'm confused. Were you guys swinging only before she cheated, only after she cheated or both before and after she cheated?


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

WTF with guys with absolutely no self respect or esteem these days?




> I'm asking you how can I get this affair behind us, stay married and be better than ever.



I think guys with this attitude get cheated more often as their SO's can sense that nothing will happen.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

sjoe6435 said:


> no "SecondTime'Round" I'm saying us doing the swinging we never had sex with anyone else at that time so I did not sin, technically. She for sure did! You're getting off topic though, I was reaching out seeing if anyone can give me advice on how to get this behind us.


Just put it behind you and move on with your life. What else can you do?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SJoe, you guys are in a mess and away out of your depth.

You wife was sexually abused as a child (13 years old) which no-one seems to have noticed. It is very common for the victims of childhood sexual abuse to end up with issues of promiscuity (borne out by her behaviour in school and now while married) and low self esteem (hence the submissive role in her sex acts with OM). She suffered a trauma as a child and seems to be seeking ways to deal with that wound.

You have tried to accomodate this tendancy towards promiscuity, thinking it will keep your wife and yourself happy, but you are not looking at the root causes so it will only end in disaster which is where you have landed.

Firstly, you need to see to it that your wife goes for serious counselling as an adult victim of childhood sexual abuse to resolve the issues she has with being hypersexualised and suffering from low esteem. She is trying to find healing in all the wrong ways through adultery, swinging, etc. it will not work.

Then you need to both have couples counselling or sex therapy to reestablish your relationship as a couple without outsiders. 

I am sure there are some on TAM who can give more advice on being the adult victim of childhood sexual abuse, the behaviours and the solutions, I only know a little.

Your wife has committed adultery with the OM, you have both got into swinging which in the majority of cases does more damage than good. You seem to be the more grounded one, so take control and if you want this marriage to work, look at your situation from this perspective.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Wait a minute my friend. How old are you ? 

You said you dont want to break your family,but your wife thinks differently.
You warned her over and over again about this POS but she ignore you.

She even bring him over to your house,so she can learn a new "technics".

Where were your kids when she was sleeping with him ???

And to make things even worse you go swinging with your LOVELY WIFE.
Then she text her loverboy what her punishment will be,and you belived her that she has no contact with him at all.


Maybe I am over the line,but both of you deserve each other. I only feel sorry for your kids. They will learn a lot of things from you like "it is ok to mom to sleep with others while dad is watching it"


If you ever,ever want to earn your respect back,especially for your kids then DIVORCE this woman


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

Thx aine, that's great advice.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

You want to put this behind you Joe?

DUMP HER. She's a disgusting human being.

She doesn't love you at all. Stop being a fool.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BobSimmons said:


> Just put it behind you and move on with your life. What else can you do?


it really never goes away.

I just face the fact that my old lady is a freak and come to term with what others have taught her.

I mean as long as I'm the only one getting the tricks I'm good with it.

It takes a strong mind and will to forgive, just like it takes a strong mind to do things with your chick that you know other guys did to her.
I my case I just have to believe I can do them better. It works for me!

On a side note at least your old lady went with *you* to the sex club......MINE DIDN'T!!!!

Again, it takes mind strength to forgive just like the mind strength to do your old lady like the other guy did.....you just have to be better at it.

In my case, spanking my old lady after confronting her cheating helped, I mean there is a certain submission that made it work for us. the other guys were more of the subs, romantics, all lovey dovey types. In my case I was the rough one......the dom!

This is really the only difference.

In short we both married freaky chicks, come to terms with it and enjoy the rewards.....some fellas around here haven't been laid in years while their old ladies phucks around.

One thing you might want to think about is when you have your old lady by the hair, in her mind it is your hand that is doing her this way....and that could be really special for her knowing you care. I mean finally the man she loves is filling her need and not some POS that means nothing to her.

I'm guessing the OM didn't even give her a safe word? With that said I think even your old lady knew the OM really did care about her. At least now when she gets it rough she is getting "used" from some one that cares.

I hope this helps.

the guy
with the cheating wife


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

sjoe6435 said:


> Thx aine, that's great advice.


I hope my last post was helpful...it may not be great but it comes from a guy that's been their.

Me and Mrs. the guy are sticking it out...it's been over 5 yrs since I busted her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

aine said:


> SJoe, you guys are in a mess and away out of your depth.
> 
> You wife was sexually abused as a child (13 years old) which no-one seems to have noticed. It is very common for the victims of childhood sexual abuse to end up with issues of promiscuity (borne out by her behaviour in school and now while married) and low self esteem (hence the submissive role in her sex acts with OM). She suffered a trauma as a child and seems to be seeking ways to deal with that wound.
> 
> ...



Well said and worth repeating.

My old lady was 14:frown2:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing I would like to add...being a dom is not only about the bed room. This equal partnership you have in the household didn't work so well in your case (it didn't work for me either) so take control and dominate your marriage by being fair, firm and loving. Protect you marriage and protect your wife. #1 get her into therapy before it happens again (my big mistake the 1st time around...swept hers and my issues under the rug)

Being head of your household just might turn your old lady on.


*******disclaimer********
a lot of couples have a healthy marriage were the partnership is equal, but once in a while and in some cases a guy just has to take control of things in and out of the bed room.


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

Thank you the guy, ur words help. So you're saying go to therapy then. Would this be for her being sexually abused as a teen specifically and then we go see for marriage counseling?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She can't have a healthy relationship when she as an individual is emotionally unhealthy.

She is bringing someone into her life (you) and she wants to share her life with you. In that life she has damage. Now you share that damage by being lied to, emotionally tortured, and physicaly put at risk with STD's and if the OM is a bunny burner nut and starts killing your pets...

Anyway back to point....

She has made some choices that but you at risk. She has made choices that emotionally hurt you. And yet you love each other. The point here is she can learn the tools to make healthier choices that not only give her great reward but you also get the rewards by being in love with someone that is emotionally healthy.

In short you want her to make choices that make it worth loving her.....she wants to make choices that make her as an individual want to be loved.

Right now she makes these choices to be loved and they are not healthy.

She needs the tools to make a healthy choice in her life...choices that make it worth loving her.

This shyt is going to happen again if she doesn't learn the tools to make healthy choice for her self.

Learning these tools isn't cheap so i hope you guys have good health insurance....cuz right now your old ladies mental health is phucked up.....Trust me I **had** the same kind of chick..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think MC is good...but even better is IC.

I mean MC is great in helping a couple work together and compromise, but if that compromise is dealing with an old lady that lies ad cheat in order to get validation well then the issues isn't the couple working things out it's more of an individual issue that must be addressed.

She is broken, she needs to fix her self 1st before she start dragging you and your kids deeper into her bullcrap.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hahaha! Hehehe! Whooooo!!!

Write a book and sell the movie rights.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

*Seriously, if you're for real, you both need help beyond what any forum can give you. Dr. Phil would think twice before taking your case.*

.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

sjoe6435 said:


> It's hard to leave her.


You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

First thing that pooped into my head. 

IC...that is for you right now...you must get to the root of the problem


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sjoe6435 said:


> as for getting the images out of my head you're right and as I've read online on many articles I will never. Time will dull the pain and I was hoping someone would offer other advise. I want to stay with my wife and she wants to stay with me. I guess that's that. I decided to stick with her. I will have to deal with my pain as certain things trigger the memories of the affair.


Counselling can help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You could make a lot of money if you get that super power of yours patented.
> 
> (Your ability to tell if someone has an STD by looking at a pic)


Here is a true story. Whilst waiting in the waiting room of a doctor's surgery we espied this: An attractive-looking, well-dressed middle aged woman came out of the doctor's surgery and said to her female friend: "Bloody hell! He is referring me to the STI clinic!"

The moral? You just can't tell by looking. Well, she certainly couldn't!


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

sjoe6435: You've had some good advice here. I just want to add one thing. See if you and your wife can sit down and discuss all of this without getting upset. It will be painful, but she needs to know how you feel deep down inside.

And you need to know how she feels, deep down inside. Make sure you don't get angry and try to keep her from getting angry.

Both you and your wife obviously have some needs and desires that were not being met. It has been pointed out that YOU can be her DOM. You don't have to do it in a traditional way; be inventive. You might use some role playing to satisfy her urge to have something new. Perhaps it would help to watch porn together. There are many things to try, IF you are honest with each other.


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

Thx yes, we have talked and talked deeply. We r on the same page. It is messed up and we will get through this. Thx for your advice everyone.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Its me again,I forget to ask you:

-Is it your idea or your wife idea to go swinging
-Did she told you why she was still in contact with her DOM and asking for her punishment months after Affair


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Women can submit to only 1 man. If she's explaining herself and talking about accepting punishment, that right there tells you who she's submits to. OP is husband in name & finances, but she obviously feels her heart & body belong to POS.

I imagine that it was her idea to try swinging to "spice things up."

OP is concerned about getting the image of a guy kumming in her mouth when everyone who's spent time on this and similar boards knows that woman in an affair go buck wild. Especially if she's into "Dom" type of stuff. Not to be gross but imagine what he done to all of her orifices. 

OP should file D, start a 180 to detach.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Good grief the Beta is strong with you.

Regardless of her apologies do a hard 180 and take control of your marriage. Especially if you are trying to reconcile with her.

She must see that from now on things are done your way or its the high way for her


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

We're sticking together. I believe we're on the right path to getting better. No need for MC and I assume IC means individual counseling. I'll b sure to bring up IC to the wife to see if she needs help. Thank you all & take care.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

sjoe6435 said:


> We're sticking together. I believe we're on the right path to getting better. No need for MC and I assume IC means individual counseling. I'll b sure to bring up IC to the wife to see if she needs help. Thank you all & take care.



I'm confused. So she's YOUR Dom then?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Sports Fan said:


> Good grief the Beta is strong with you.
> 
> Regardless of her apologies do a hard 180 and take control of your marriage. Especially if you are trying to reconcile with her.
> 
> She must see that from now on things are done your way or its the high way for her


I don't think that this situation can be analyzed in the usual terms. It is complicated, some of it has been done with permission, and some has been done by both together.

I'm not sure that they have a "normal" infidelity problem to solve. And they don't seem to be very angry with each other---a bit shocked and surprised perhaps, but not anger.

If they can talk, and the OP says that they have been talking, they may get to a solution that suits them both. Could there be more trouble down the road. Of course there could. There could be trouble down the road for any couple.


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## sjoe6435 (Oct 23, 2015)

thanks sidney2718 and you are right! I'm sure every situation is different but mine is very different. We've talked and I believe we've overcome this without counseling. We've talked and agree upon everything. 

She will be more aware of situations and not let her get into any situation that could lead to something like this again. 

To answer WorkingOnMe ? she isn't my dom, I am hers in the bedroom but in day to day life we are equals.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sjoe6435 said:


> thanks sidney2718 and you are right! I'm sure every situation is different but mine is very different. We've talked and I believe we've overcome this without counseling. We've talked and agree upon everything.
> 
> She will be more aware of situations and not let her get into any situation that could lead to something like this again.
> 
> To answer WorkingOnMe ? she isn't my dom, I am hers in the bedroom but in day to day life we are equals.



Sorry to say Joe, you may think you have it sorted but only temporarily. Your ww needs proper therapy for the childhood sexual abuse. You are simply rug sweeping it right now and it will come back to haunt you both. Do it for your kids please if not for yourselves.


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