# for those that have reconciled or are on the path



## Hiking

Question- Did any of you lose hope along the way? Why or why not? If you lost hope what brought it back. The one reason I'm losing hope is that it is strange to be around her almost like I don't know what to say or how to act. I don't want to talk to much because the whole try not to contact thing on the other hand I want to talk to her. So darn confusing.

I have been separated for 4 months (she left). I was together 17 years married 15, 3 kids. I heard the I don't love you and haven't for a long time. Hard to believe because we where not perfect but we where really good I thought.


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## sammy3

Let me know when you find out! 

~sammy


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## cdbaker

There is a lot you should be reading right now. But I don't know if we can offer much advice without knowing more of your story. Things like, what led to the separation? What are the circumstances of your separation? (Like are there rules? Start/end dates? Are you or she seeing anyone else? What is the parenting arrangement?) What kind of problems were/are in the marriage? Has she indicated whether she ultimately wants to save the marriage or not?


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## Hiking

No rules because it was kind of sprung on me. Really has never given an indication of coming back, more like every once in a while says something along the I have hope line. She lived with a girlfriend for 4 months and just the other day started living on her own. for her a lot of her childhood plays into this, she carries baggage but suppressed it. Beautiful on the outside but lots of junk inside. Said the I don't love you thing to me. She cheated 9 years ago and we never fully resolved it.


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## sammy3

((Sigh)) 
It's much the same for my husband and me. We are very polite. We don't have much to say because we have no emotional intimacy towards each. We haven't lived together in over two years, but he comes in and out a few days each month. We don't sleep together anymore either. 

We are going back into mc and ic to see if we can try to save this marriage, but I dunno. 

So I cant give you much help but listen and share w you my experience of separation, and returning. 

~sammy


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## tracyishere

Yes. I did. And I no longer believe in hope. Hope is a delusion. It makes you hold on to things that are not real. 

Faith on the other hand, I truly believe in. Faith is taking it out of your hands and letting things happen as they are meant to.


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## Hiking

I like that about hope and faith. Was your faith proven true? My wife is becoming hard to want to love, I've never seen such selfishness and s turning away from god
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere

Hiking said:


> I like that about hope and faith. Was your faith proven true? My wife is becoming hard to want to love, I've never seen such selfishness and s turning away from god
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Faith gave me everything I wanted and more.


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## whitehawk

tracyishere said:


> Yes. I did. And I no longer believe in hope. Hope is a delusion. It makes you hold on to things that are not real.
> 
> Faith on the other hand, I truly believe in. Faith is taking it out of your hands and letting things happen as they are meant to.


So was the end result any different because you changed to faith?
Just wondering , l have a little of both right now


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## whitehawk

Hiking said:


> I like that about hope and faith. Was your faith proven true? My wife is becoming hard to want to love, I've never seen such selfishness and s turning away from god
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


l know what you mean about the loving H.
Mine became very hard to love to in the years before we split.
Sometimes when l see her now l do ask myself , it's still the same person as then , am l sure l actually do want to R if it comes about ,,,,,,, dunno !


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## tracyishere

whitehawk said:


> So was the end result any different because you changed to faith?
> Just wondering , l have a little of both right now


I can't say that the end result was different because of it. But what I can say is that it took allot of the burden and pain off my shoulders. 

I was then able to focus on myself more. And by working on myself it did make a big difference in the outcome.


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## This is me

Did any of you lose hope along the way? Yes, but was always looking for signs which came at the tenth hour.

Hiking, we had been married for 17 years when she had a mid life crisis. She showed many of the walk away wife syndrome actions and did leave for 4 months. The key was patience and doing the 180. We did MC, IC and workshops, but the key was giving her time to work through it and not fueling her confused mental state.

All we can do is give them space, time and let it run its course. My marriage is now better than ever.

Wishing you all the best!


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## This is me

Did any of you lose hope along the way? Yes, but was always looking for signs which came at the tenth hour.

Hiking, we had been married for 17 years when she had a mid life crisis. She showed many of the walk away wife syndrome actions and did leave for 4 months. The key was patience and doing the 180. We did MC, IC and workshops, but the key was giving her time to work through it and not fueling her confused mental state.

All we can do is give them space, time and let it run its course. My marriage is now better than ever.

Wishing you all the best!


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## Hiking

thank you for sharing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

Yeah thanks for that.
There has been a few ripples with us but just of late again right now R doesn't seem near her thinking.
l'm having doubts myself . l dunno how 2 people together 18yrs could change in 12 mths but sometimes l think we just have and that could be that.

So hard to know though really. l can see this has been just as hard on her as me and there are so many coping mechanisms kicking in just to get through it plus anger, hurt. So your two different people anyway on the surface.


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## This is me

When ever I hear about a marriage in the teen years or early 20s having problems, I think there is a very good chance that one or both are struggling with the MLC. It is the age we notice our youth slipping and start to realize we are both looking different, and usually not in a good way.

Research shows that a MLC (its a mental glitch) usually lasts a couple of years, so if you can weather the storm, there will be better days ahead. Forgiveness and patience required.


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## Stretch

The WAS will do what they do. YOU control YOU, that's it.

IMHO, YOU need to do the 180 understanding that the 180 is for YOU to prepare yourself for your future and not to convince a WAS to come back.

Will she come back if you go dark, work on yourself? It's not for you to decide.

Do you know why she left? Do you understand the things you have to work on / change to become a better partner? Figure it out if you can and change it for the better. Maybe it was co-dependency, maybe the wrong "love language" but it was something. If you understand your opportunity for improvement, you can move forward to become a better man/person/partner and live a satisfying life. That is the goal here. 

By changing for the better for YOU, a WAS is often shocked into evaluating their decisions but YOU are preparing to move on either way. Going dark forces WAS to acknowledge what is being forfeited and that in most cases the grass is not greener but actually brown and unfulfilling.

YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, it is not selfish, done correctly it is personal growth in a positive way.

Friend, the faster you put your focus on YOU, the faster all positive results start happening.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## Hiking

awesome thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CrazyBeautiful1

Hiking said:


> Question- Did any of you lose hope along the way? Why or why not? If you lost hope what brought it back. The one reason I'm losing hope is that it is strange to be around her almost like I don't know what to say or how to act. I don't want to talk to much because the whole try not to contact thing on the other hand I want to talk to her. So darn confusing.
> 
> I have been separated for 4 months (she left). I was together 17 years married 15, 3 kids. I heard the I don't love you and haven't for a long time. Hard to believe because we where not perfect but we where really good I thought.


I wouldn't say I lost hope, but at some point I decided I was just over the back and forth. Within a week or so after I decided I didn't necessarily care about R anymore, my H woke up and has "returned" to me, emotionally and physically. It has only been a week, and I'm hopeful about our M, but still guarded. NC didnt work for me, but the 180 did. The moment I stopped caring about him and started caring about me, was the moment I knew I'd be ok either way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

Big congrats CB , luv a happy ending :smthumbup:


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## Zomb

I hear you man. My wife is going through MLC as well (I think so). She has been very selfish and goes back and forward all the time about reconciliation. The 180 is difficult to handle, but I think is our best choice. I don’t want to stay in this emotional roller coaster for the rest of my life. So I will move on to better times with or without her. 
Sometimes I feel she is running out of love for me and I focus on myself completely. But sometimes she calls me and says how much she loves me and misses me, and my emotional roller coaster stars again. Of course she does that with the intention of forcing me to stay in that black hole as much as possible. 

I have never dismissed the idea of reconciliation, but while that time arrives (if it arrives) I will make every possible effort to move on. Because, if the she finds a new lover and move on for good, I want to be strong enough to resist the shoot. 

So keep working on yourself mate and try to move on as fast as you can. 

Bes of the luck mate,


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## Dewayne76

Hmmm. hope and faith. one says hope is a delusion. Perhaps. 

I don't know. I can't help you there. I believe that if you turned to faith, and HAD FAITH.. that it WOULD take the weight off your shoulders. 

The thing is, my ex changed dramatically after taking antidepressants for chest pains. She was NOT depressed. Her personality changed so drastically, it was unreal. Suddenly lying, cheating, acting EVERY WAY a WAS would, a unhappy and confused spouse.. all of them. 

The end result is the same, I have the same hurt, the same pain. Sometimes, when I try to have faith, I feel better. Hope? I'm not even sure what that truly is anymore. 

I feel the same. Whenever I'm around her, she's very... well not the same. She had her manic stage, now she's in her delusional stage where she thinks everything she's doing is what's "meant to be". Got a new 20yo KID for a partner, getting all "crazy church lady" attitude, getting baptized etc. The whole 9 yards. 

I'd say, turn to faith. Whether it be in God, or in yourself... the universe.. whatever. It did seem to help.


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## struggling55

Wondering what the 180 is. Turn yourself around? In what way?


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## Hiking

the 180 is a list of behavior changes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fordsvt

This is me said:


> Did any of you lose hope along the way? Yes, but was always looking for signs which came at the tenth hour.
> 
> Hiking, we had been married for 17 years when she had a mid life crisis. She showed many of the walk away wife syndrome actions and did leave for 4 months. The key was patience and doing the 180. We did MC, IC and workshops, but the key was giving her time to work through it and not fueling her confused mental state.
> 
> All we can do is give them space, time and let it run its course. My marriage is now better than ever.
> 
> Wishing you all the best!


CD best of luck!

WOW-THAT is my situation to a tee!!!! Married for 17 years and all. She is in a MLC too. It's tough but we have to hang in there. 
Please keep me updated including the 180.
Thx


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