# Husband wants divorce, I don't understand?



## butterfly77 (Jul 7, 2009)

We just had out five year anniversary two weeks ago. The other night I asked him if he was happy and he basically told me he wanted a divorce. I couldn't believe it...I really didn't expect him to say that at all. We argued the first four years but this past year, we have gotten along pretty well...I don't even think we have gotten in an argument.

I don't know what to do? I don't want to keep talking to him about it because I don't want to nag him and I am just trying to be really cautious with my words because I don't want to run him off.

I brought two children in the marriage and he had never been married and didn't have any chilren and we don't have any together.

Not only am I sad that this just came out of no where but this will change our whole lives....we will have to move, switch schools, friends, and so on.

What can I do to possibly save this without nagging?
Also, he assumed I would just move in with my mother....I told him I am too old for that.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

butterfly77 said:


> We argued the first four years but this past year, we have gotten along pretty well...I don't even think we have gotten in an argument.


This likely indicates that some core issues have been swept under the rug. Withdrawing from the issues or conflict avoidance have replaced a healthy communication on what is causing problems. The core issues need to be discussed but you are correct that he needs a little space right now. What do you think the core issues are?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Agree somewhat with Amplexor.

He got tired of arguing and the hassles of a stepfather situation and on the fifth year he just quit arguing. He has now just gotten brave enough to say he wants out of this argumentative and hostile environment.

He has obviously been thinking "out" because he assumed YOU would move back with your mother.

I would say, "No, am not moving, I have two kids, _you_ move out". 

Why should you move out? He wants out, then he should be the one to move as he hasn't kids.

Also, ASK him if there is anyway of salvaging this, as the kids have had enough turmoil in their lives. How old are the kids now? Ask him to go to counseling, work on this first.

Ask to stay in house, while he takes time to think it over....?

Either way, you need to "buy" some time, so you can adjust to this new revelation. Tell him you need a year to figure out where you are with this.


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## butterfly77 (Jul 7, 2009)

Of course there is a lot more to the story but I was trying to give the short version to spare frustration from a long story.

But here is some more.....I will try to explain without blaming him or myself.

I was his employee about nine years ago, I worked for him for about two years and then we started dating. When a position came open, I applied for it so he wouldn't be my boss any longer...we were both tired of sneaking around.

Okay so we get married a year after that and then we move in together. He buys this house and doesn't put my name on it because he says my credit is too bad....my thoughts were, he didn't want me on the loan.

He is 11 years older....btw.

So, I felt like he had all the control in the relationship.

I was going to school when I met him and then when we got married, we didn't have the money for me to continue. Then a couple of years later he starts taking classes.

With him being a boss at work and all the things above, I started to resent him more and more.

But this past year, I decided to let the anger go. I decided that I liked our life together and I wanted this to work out. I quit getting upset when I felt like he had all the control.

But about a month ago, he applied for the CEO position at our company and even though he was the front runner, they hired an outsider. So, he quit and now works somewhere else.

So another thought of mine is that because we no longer work for the same company he won't have to deal with the akwardness of a divorce by seeing me everyday at work.

I don't know what to do? I tried to give the details unbiased...but I don't think I did


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I have never written on a forum before but i am so devastated by my husbands revelation after 21 years of marriage that he loves me and cares for me but is not 'in love' with me anymore and wants us to separate that I suppose I need to see that i am not the only one this is happening to.

I am so sorry to hear your story, and it brings a lump to my throat to know you are going through the same thing.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Thanks for your comments yesterday, much appreciated. I wish i was up to running to the lawyers as everyone else seems to suggest and getting tough but right now thats the last thing on my mind.

Not a day goes by where I am not crying for most of the day, i look a wreck and am losing weight.

But the saddest thing is that I love him and dont want any of this to be happening.


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## butterfly77 (Jul 7, 2009)

I guess he has decided not to wear his ring anymore. I don't understand...the first four years were rocky and now that it has been better ( to me) he has a change of heart.
I just want to talk to him about this but I am scared of pushing him further away. I just don't know what to do.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Just because he didn't put your name on the house, does not mean you cannot get the house. Find a lawyer, but don't move out. Think of the kids' stability.

His disadvantage is the KIDS. It will be your ace in the hole for getting to stay in the house until things are settled.

He has stopped wearing his ring and you are afraid of pushing him away? I'd say he is already "away", sorry to say. 

Don't do this from a fear position. Find a lawyer.

How old are the kids?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> Just because he didn't put your name on the house, does not mean you cannot get the house. Find a lawyer, but don't move out. Think of the kids' stability.
> 
> His disadvantage is the KIDS. It will be your ace in the hole for getting to stay in the house until things are settled.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## butterfly77 (Jul 7, 2009)

My children are 12 and 7. The youngest one calls him "daddy". My husband held him the day he was born seven years ago.


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