# Infertility



## GusPolinski

Ladies, Mrs. Gus and I humbly request your help...

I know that there are at least a handful of you here that have dealt w/ infertility issues in the past, so I'd like to sort of "quiz" each of you w/ respect to any online resources that you may have found to be of value in terms of addressing and overcoming said issues. Any information that specifically addresses low AMH and/or Fallopian blockage would be of particular interest, as well as much appreciated.

There is an absolutely dizzying amount of information available out in the ether, and it's getting quite difficult to discern the noise from the signal.

Thanks in advance.


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## SecondTime'Round

It's been so long that I have no advice, but wanted to offer my support and hugs. Back in my day, it was inciid.org., but I don't think that's the "go to" place anymore. 

You'll get through this. It's so hard, and I wish you every good wish I have inside me!


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## SecondTime'Round

Gus, as an after-thought, I want to share this with you. The time in my marriage I, oddly, felt closest to my husband was when we were going through IF. That was simply because he was so emotionally supportive, which is the complete opposite of how he is now. 

I just want to encourage you to be supportive, emotionally, of Mrs. Gus during all of this. It is so awful, and even if you don't understand it (especially if SHE is the one with the issue and not you), just BE there. Be her soft place to fall. Be someone she can vent to, even if it is ugly and you don't understand it. She will love you forever for it.

I don't know anything at all about your story, and I see you've been here a while, so maybe what I'm saying doesn't even make any sense. But I wanted to say it .


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## GusPolinski

SecondTime'Round said:


> Gus, as an after-thought, I want to share this with you. The time in my marriage I, oddly, felt closest to my husband was when we were going through IF. That was simply because he was so emotionally supportive, which is the complete opposite of how he is now.
> 
> I just want to encourage you to be supportive, emotionally, of Mrs. Gus during all of this. It is so awful, and even if you don't understand it (especially if SHE is the one with the issue and not you), just BE there. Be her soft place to fall. Be someone she can vent to, even if it is ugly and you don't understand it. She will love you forever for it.
> 
> I don't know anything at all about your story, and I see you've been here a while, so maybe what I'm saying doesn't even make any sense. But I wanted to say it .


No worries there. This is something that we've been dealing w/ for several years, and I'm pretty pro at the whole supportive husband thing. 

We went through a couple of egg retrieval cycles (didn't even make it to IVF) a couple of years ago, and it was rough. I took a picture of her as she was waking up from the anesthetic after the second procedure, and literally 10 seconds after that, the doc poked his head in and -- with just two words -- completely devastated us...

Donor. Eggs.


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## GusPolinski

And thank you, ladies, for the well wishes and words of support.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening GusPolanski
My and my wife's experience with infertility treatments was extremely negative. To me it is a large and often evil and abusive industry that takes advantage of desperate couples. The negative effects on the relationship often last for years, if they ever go away .

Look on the statistics on the success rate for any sort of treatment you are considering. They are not nearly as good as the industry will suggest.

Its easy to find yourself out a great deal of money, with all intimacy destroyed, and still childless and depressed.


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## GusPolinski

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening GusPolanski
> My and my wife's experience with infertility treatments was extremely negative. To me it is a large and often evil and abusive industry that takes advantage of desperate couples. The negative effects on the relationship often last for years, if they ever go away .
> 
> Look on the statistics on the success rate for any sort of treatment you are considering. They are not nearly as good as the industry will suggest.
> 
> *Its easy to find yourself out a great deal of money*, with all intimacy destroyed, *and still childless and depressed*.


LOL. Too late.


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## Lostinthought61

Gus,

my wife and i had suffered from Infertility, in the early part of our marriage we went through ever option and every bank account, one failure lead to another, IVF, host of drugs you name we did...our last tempt due to funding was something new at the time was something new called GIFT procedure . 

Gamete Intrafallopian Tube Transfer (GIFT) - APA

i have provided you with the link...i can tell you it worked we had triplets and they are beautiful, smart and healthy. Good Luck


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## GusPolinski

Xenote said:


> Gus,
> 
> my wife and i had suffered from Infertility, in the early part of our marriage we went through ever option and every bank account, one failure lead to another, IVF, host of drugs you name we did...our last tempt due to funding was something new at the time was something new called GIFT procedure .
> 
> Gamete Intrafallopian Tube Transfer (GIFT) - APA
> 
> i have provided you with the link...i can tell you it worked we had triplets and they are beautiful, smart and healthy. Good Luck


Thanks, Xenote.

Our primary issue at this point is that my wife's ability to produce viable eggs is rapidly decreasing. Hell, for all we know, it may have never been what's typically considered "ideal".

And, while they're called "donor" eggs, almost no one _donates_ them. They sell them. And no... she has no family members that we'd consider asking... _for *sooooo* many reasons_.

Additionally, having cashed out our retirement in order to pay for multiple rounds of treatment (the last of which we have yet to use because of the aforementioned egg issues), medication (O. M. F. G.), travel, etc, _then_ suffering a very ill-timed job loss at the end of 2013, and _THEN_ relocating for work in October of last year... well, we're tapped.

We realize that our odds of getting pregnant on our own are, at this point, as low as they've ever been... and that they're decreasing w/ every month. What we're hoping to find is some sort of magical formula -- some arcane confluence of diet, exercise, nutritional supplements, and even (if necessary) medical intervention -- that might make this possible.

A longshot? Maybe. But hey... people win the lottery all the time.

And, like they say... you gotta play to win.

:smthumbup:


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## askari

Gus, this is so easy to say but....what will be will be. Clearly you are desperate for a child....and I don't blame you, its a natural instinct. We marry (or not!) we reproduce to ensure continuity of the species.

It took my wife and I about a year to conceive. We had all the checks and we were both fine. It just wasnt happening. The Doc just told us not to stress about it, just have frequent (but not mechanic) sex.
Eventually I hit the bulls eye!

I can't comment about 'medical intervention' but IVF is both financially and emotionally draining.
Just continue having unprotected sex and if its going to happen it will...if its not its not. 

However, I imagine what you are going through can't be much fun....

Adoption?


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## larry.gray

One pretty good forum is BabyCenter | Advice and support on pregnancy and parenting. Go to the community link and then start searching. They have sub-forums for many different types of infertility.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening Gus
I know from experience how horribly frustrating and expensive this can be.

Our very sad story: After years (at vast expense) of trying various infertility treatments, I finally refused to continue - It was becoming clear that we were just being strung along. With much miserable discussion, I convinced my wife that we should adopt. There is a LONG waiting list so for the short term we became foster parents (shelter care). 

We had a wonderful 5 year old girl in our care. She was a normal child - taken out of her home on a (false) molestation charge. 

Turns out my wife didn't like having children in the house. It wasn't what she had expected at all. We fought constantly on how to to raise the girl. If it had been our child rather than a short-term shelter care child, I would be a divorced single father now, caring for a child that I never wanted.

I'd say it took at least 5 years for our relationship to recover - that is after 5 years of fertility treatments, with the associated stress and relationship issues. 10 miserable years. Children can be great - but keep perspective.


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## Pooh Bear

I'm sorry to hear you are having fertility problems. You might try Taking Charge of your Fertility by Toni Weschler. My friend suggested it when I was having fertility problems. We went through fertility treatment and ultimately ended up doing IVF but it failed. After I gave up is when I became pregnant. I really think though that it had to do with stress. I had made a change which helped to lower stress and that is when I became pregnant.


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## Pooh Bear

GusPolinski said:


> No worries there. This is something that we've been dealing w/ for several years, and I'm pretty pro at the whole supportive husband thing.
> 
> We went through a couple of egg retrieval cycles (didn't even make it to IVF) a couple of years ago, and it was rough. I took a picture of her as she was waking up from the anesthetic after the second procedure, and literally 10 seconds after that, the doc poked his head in and -- with just two words -- completely devastated us...
> 
> Donor. Eggs.


Yeah. I had the same problem with them being able to retrieve eggs. They were finally able to get about 8 but only 3 of them actually became embryos. So when we did IVF they used 3 but none of them implanted. It was devastating. I didn't think I could do IVF again.


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## Pooh Bear

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening GusPolanski
> My and my wife's experience with infertility treatments was extremely negative. To me it is a large and often evil and abusive industry that takes advantage of desperate couples. The negative effects on the relationship often last for years, if they ever go away .
> 
> Look on the statistics on the success rate for any sort of treatment you are considering. They are not nearly as good as the industry will suggest.
> 
> Its easy to find yourself out a great deal of money, with all intimacy destroyed, and still childless and depressed.


Oh no. I'm sorry Richard. We had a really good experience although it did not ultimately result in a pregnancy. The doctors were very compassionate and knowledgable though.


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## Pooh Bear

GusPolinski said:


> Thanks, Xenote.
> 
> Our primary issue at this point is that my wife's ability to produce viable eggs is rapidly decreasing. Hell, for all we know, it may have never been what's typically considered "ideal".
> 
> And, while they're called "donor" eggs, almost no one _donates_ them. They sell them. And no... she has no family members that we'd consider asking... _for *sooooo* many reasons_.
> 
> Additionally, having cashed out our retirement in order to pay for multiple rounds of treatment (the last of which we have yet to use because of the aforementioned egg issues), medication (O. M. F. G.), travel, etc, _then_ suffering a very ill-timed job loss at the end of 2013, and _THEN_ relocating for work in October of last year... well, we're tapped.
> 
> We realize that our odds of getting pregnant on our own are, at this point, as low as they've ever been... and that they're decreasing w/ every month. What we're hoping to find is some sort of magical formula -- some arcane confluence of diet, exercise, nutritional supplements, and even (if necessary) medical intervention -- that might make this possible.
> 
> A longshot? Maybe. But hey... people win the lottery all the time.
> 
> And, like they say... you gotta play to win.
> 
> :smthumbup:


I'm so sorry.  That is so devastating.


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## SimplyAmorous

> *intheory said*: You could p.m. SimplyAmorous; or ask her to join the thread so everyone sees her answers.
> 
> I think this was a major issue for her in the past.


Yes it was... We dealt with infertility in our mid 20's after our 1st son, so it was "secondary"... had many tests..which I am sure Gus & wife have been through at this point.. this is a very hard time.. all that teetering of Hope.. then being dashed again.. and again.. feeling "WHY US"...

I did not want our son to be an only child like me... it was my dream from early on to have a larger family.. the hardest time in our marriage FOR ME.... for him too, putting up with me at times....and my moods over this.. It could have been worse.. but still the dragging on year after year ...(almost 7 yrs )... 

Had the Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) , they told me my tubes were clear but unusually long... Postcoital Test (good!)... took clomid for 6 months..NOTHING.... endometrial biopsy... eventually had a Laparoscopy surgery ..then it still took another 2 yrs after that.. in our situation, what the Doctors found was adhesions binding up my tubes (kinks) .. this likely from the prior c-section I had, must have been some infection (though I never felt it in my body)... .. though no explanation was ever given really.. 

Hard on the sex life too...I was guilty of making my H feel like a sperm donor... unless someone has walked through this, they will not understand .... I read books on how to conceive, I knew every detail to how my body was supposed to work, the timing of the sperm, how long the male/female sperm can live...but my body wasn't co-operating....

A new study shows how infertility affects a couple's sex life.



> *GusPolinski said*: Additionally, having cashed out our retirement in order to pay for multiple rounds of treatment (the last of which we have yet to use because of the aforementioned egg issues), medication (O. M. F. G.), travel, etc, then suffering a very ill-timed job loss at the end of 2013, and THEN relocating for work in October of last year... well, we're tapped.
> 
> We realize that our odds of getting pregnant on our own are, at this point, as low as they've ever been... and that they're decreasing w/ every month. What we're hoping to find is some sort of magical formula -- some arcane confluence of diet, exercise, nutritional supplements, and even (if necessary) medical intervention -- that might make this possible.


 So very sorry for all you are going through.. these are HUGE sacrifices to your futures ... just on the sheer HOPE... reading what some couples go through to have a child, some would give near a limb for one..... the unfairness being slapped with what comes so easy for it seems everyone else.. and the financial COST is just outrageous!

Are you /she involved at all with RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association -they have support groups, it helps to be around others going through this..as they understand.. We went to an Infertility retreat that a friend of mine headed up.....got to sit among other couples speaking of all they have been through.. I watched them all plant a tree for the child they hoped to have someday...

There was a thread here in the social section touching on this ... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/54554-infertility-short-story.html


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## Anonymous07

Pooh Bear said:


> I'm sorry to hear you are having fertility problems. You might try *Taking Charge of your Fertility* by Toni Weschler. My friend suggested it when I was having fertility problems.


I really like that book a lot, as it can help her catch other issues that can become more clear. I also really like the app called Fertility Friend, which can help her track her cycles. As someone else posted, there are good support groups on Babycenter. Those support groups will be a great help emotionally as you go through the whole process. 

I haven't gone through fertility issues myself(Although I was prepared to - have endometriosis), but have many friends who have. Some went on to get pregnant, while others didn't. A good friend is going through the adoption process right now and will have her baby boy hopefully in the next couple months, as soon as all the paperwork clears. If you really want a family, there are many ways to go about making that happen.


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## GusPolinski

larry.gray said:


> One pretty good forum is BabyCenter | Advice and support on pregnancy and parenting. Go to the community link and then start searching. They have sub-forums for many different types of infertility.


Thanks Larry.


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## GusPolinski

Pooh Bear said:


> Yeah. I had the same problem with them being able to retrieve eggs. They were finally able to get about 8 but only 3 of them actually became embryos. So when we did IVF they used 3 but none of them implanted. It was devastating. I didn't think I could do IVF again.


We got 3 on the first cycle and only 1 on the second. None fertilized. 

Prior to the retrieval for both cycles, there were several (7 for both, I think) follicles that looked promising, but it seemed that the majority of the eggs just didn't want to detach.

Imagine our surprise when we discovered that there are women out there who -- with only a very moderate stimulation protocol -- are able to produce 20-30 (or more!) viable eggs in a single cycle!


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## GusPolinski

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yes it was... We dealt with infertility in our mid 20's after our 1st son, so it was "secondary"... had many tests..which I am sure Gus & wife have been through at this point.. this is a very hard time.. all that teetering of Hope.. then being dashed again.. and again.. feeling "WHY US"...
> 
> I did not want our son to be an only child like me... it was my dream from early on to have a larger family.. the hardest time in our marriage FOR ME.... for him too, putting up with me at times....and my moods over this.. It could have been worse.. but still the dragging on year after year ...(almost 7 yrs )...
> 
> Had the Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) , they told me my tubes were clear but unusually long... Postcoital Test (good!)... took clomid for 6 months..NOTHING.... endometrial biopsy... eventually had a Laparoscopy surgery ..then it still took another 2 yrs after that.. in our situation, what the Doctors found was adhesions binding up my tubes (kinks) .. this likely from the prior c-section I had, must have been some infection (though I never felt it in my body)... .. though no explanation was ever given really..
> 
> Hard on the sex life too...I was guilty of making my H feel like a sperm donor... unless someone has walked through this, they will not understand .... I read books on how to conceive, I knew every detail to how my body was supposed to work, the timing of the sperm, how long the male/female sperm can live...but my body wasn't co-operating....
> 
> A new study shows how infertility affects a couple's sex life.
> 
> So very sorry for all you are going through.. these are HUGE sacrifices to your futures ... just on the sheer HOPE... reading what some couples go through to have a child, some would give near a limb for one..... the unfairness being slapped with what comes so easy for it seems everyone else.. and the financial COST is just outrageous!
> 
> Are you /she involved at all with RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association -they have support groups, it helps to be around others going through this..as they understand.. We went to an Infertility retreat that a friend of mine headed up.....got to sit among other couples speaking of all they have been through.. I watched them all plant a tree for the child they hoped to have someday...
> 
> There was a thread here in the social section touching on this ... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/54554-infertility-short-story.html





Anonymous07 said:


> I really like that book a lot, as it can help her catch other issues that can become more clear. I also really like the app called Fertility Friend, which can help her track her cycles. As someone else posted, there are good support groups on Babycenter. Those support groups will be a great help emotionally as you go through the whole process.
> 
> I haven't gone through fertility issues myself(Although I was prepared to - have endometriosis), but have many friends who have. Some went on to get pregnant, while others didn't. A good friend is going through the adoption process right now and will have her baby boy hopefully in the next couple months, as soon as all the paperwork clears. If you really want a family, there are many ways to go about making that happen.


Thanks for the info, ladies.

And, while I'd agree that there are certainly many merits and benefits to it, I'd prefer that this thread not morph into a discussion regarding adoption.


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## EleGirl

Gus, sorry that you and the Mrs. are having such a hard time with this.

In 1986 I had a bad pregnancy, lost twins and ended up unable to conceive after that. The whole infertility treatment thing just sounded like a night mare. So we took the easy route, adoption.

I know it's not for everyone. But for many it's the best route.

I'm not sure I could have survived emotionally what you and your wife are going through. I just hope that you and your wife can keep your strength and love for each other through this.


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## keeper63

We went though the whole infertility issue for over 10 years. Lot's of tests, multiple laparoscopic surgeries, drugs, IVF, etc., nothing worked. Finally, at around the 8 year mark, we threw in the towel and decided to adopt. 

Just as we were added to the home study list, my wife discovered she was pregnant. She lost the baby a couple of months later, and we were crushed. We went back to the doctor, and one year later, we were pregnant again, but lost the second baby around the 3 month mark.

About 8 months later, without any medical help, she got pregnant and our son was born. We tried like hell to have a second one, but it didn't work out despite trying IVF again. My wife had a lot of scarring from her C-section and developed uterine fibroids, and had a hysterectomy, so that was that.

The tough part was the guilt, the mechanical carefully timed sex, the whole not knowing thing. I sometimes wonder how our marriage stood up to it all, but it did.

All I can say is keep trying, and don't let the stress of infertility impact your marriage.


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## Anonymous07

GusPolinski said:


> Thanks for the info, ladies.
> 
> And, while I'd agree that there are certainly many merits and benefits to it, I'd prefer that this thread not morph into a discussion regarding adoption.


Fertility Friend app/website is free and has a lot of good info on it. I use it for my weird cycles, especially with my hormone issues lately. They have videos on how to chart, as well as other information. You can also see a nutritionist to see what she and you can change to become healthier. Diet has a large impact on hormones, so some simple changes can make a big difference.


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## Malpheous

It's a rough journey and one that's brought my marriage near doom a few times now. I feel for you. I have an added curve ball of having a daughter. My daughter was a new teen when my wife and I started seeing each other. She's an adult now(my daughter I mean, my wife already was one). Just a salt rub to my wife of what I want so much to give her but can't. Instead my wife got to share some teenage moments with my ex and my daughter. Plus a couple IUI rounds, an IVF and a FET. Yeah. Sucks.


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## IWantGreatMarriage

GusPolinski said:


> Thanks, Xenote.
> 
> Our primary issue at this point is that my wife's ability to produce viable eggs is rapidly decreasing. Hell, for all we know, it may have never been what's typically considered "ideal".
> 
> And, while they're called "donor" eggs, almost no one _donates_ them. They sell them. And no... she has no family members that we'd consider asking... _for *sooooo* many reasons_.
> 
> Additionally, having cashed out our retirement in order to pay for multiple rounds of treatment (the last of which we have yet to use because of the aforementioned egg issues), medication (O. M. F. G.), travel, etc, _then_ suffering a very ill-timed job loss at the end of 2013, and _THEN_ relocating for work in October of last year... well, we're tapped.
> 
> We realize that our odds of getting pregnant on our own are, at this point, as low as they've ever been... and that they're decreasing w/ every month. What we're hoping to find is some sort of magical formula -- some arcane confluence of diet, exercise, nutritional supplements, and even (if necessary) medical intervention -- that might make this possible.
> 
> A longshot? Maybe. But hey... people win the lottery all the time.
> 
> And, like they say... you gotta play to win.
> 
> :smthumbup:


Oh my! You need to be in this to understand. My heart goes out to you and Mrs Gus. We are going through similar thing and it makes me cry that what seems so easy to others is so difficult for me.
As far as nutrition goes, please try wellnnessmama. She claims its all about nutrition and with the right one, our hormones will get back to optimum. Hasn't worked for me yet, but others claim it has worked for them. It won't hurt, at least I got to loose some weight and eat healthier meal.
I can only send ray:ray: and hugsss


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## GusPolinski

Saw this on one of the local news programs a couple of nights ago...

Blocked Fallopian Tubes - Open Without Drugs or Surgery

Thoughts?


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## maritalloneliness

Gus, I'm so sorry that you and your Mrs are having a rough time. My first son was conceived through IVF. we got pregnant after 5 years of fertility treatments and it was such a difficult time in our lives. I'm glad to hear you're so supportive of your wife. If you live in a major city, try to find a fertility support group connected to a major hospital. It helps not to feel so alone in this. While going through this, someone has suggested I start taking Geritol-the liquid multivitamin. I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility, so no real reason we couldn't get pregnant. Keep your hopes high. 4 years after my first son was born we got pregnant on our own after H didn't even want to think about going back to the doctors.


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## Justus3

Gus my husband & I dealt with infertility as well. When I read your post, my first thought was trying a hsg which simply amorous suggested. My gyno performed this and said give it three months then come back if nothing. We heard about astroglide on an online fertility site so my hubby bought two bottles & away we went after our hsg. On the third month our one & only beautiful healthy boy was conceived. Good luck!!!


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## GusPolinski

Justus3 said:


> Gus my husband & I dealt with infertility as well. When I read your post, my first thought was trying a hsg which simply amorous suggested. My gyno performed this and said give it three months then come back if nothing. We heard about astroglide on an online fertility site so my hubby bought two bottles & away we went after our hsg. On the third month our one & only beautiful healthy boy was conceived. Good luck!!!


We had an HSG done in early February 2013; that's how we found out about the aforementioned Fallopian blockage.


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## GusPolinski

I've spent the past 15 minutes or so going through my wife's Amazon wish lists for Christmas gift ideas, and I've just run across all the things that she added while we were going through IVF back in 2013.

Heartbreaking.


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## Anonymous07

GusPolinski said:


> I've spent the past 15 minutes or so going through my wife's Amazon wish lists for Christmas gift ideas, and I've just run across all the things that she added while we were going through IVF back in 2013.
> 
> Heartbreaking.




Are you both still trying to conceive? 

I didn't think I'd find myself in a similar spot, especially since we got pregnant so easily with our son and accidentally got pregnant when he was 6 months old(miscarried at 5 weeks), but it's been several months and nothing. I got pregnant in September, but miscarried again. It has been a lot more of an emotional journey than I expected.


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## ExiledBayStater

GusPolinski said:


> I've spent the past 15 minutes or so going through my wife's Amazon wish lists for Christmas gift ideas, and I've just run across all the things that she added while we were going through IVF back in 2013.
> 
> Heartbreaking.


Sorry, man. Hope you guys can find some contentment somehow.


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## heartsbeating

GusPolinski said:


> I've spent the past 15 minutes or so going through my wife's Amazon wish lists for Christmas gift ideas, and I've just run across all the things that she added while we were going through IVF back in 2013.
> 
> Heartbreaking.


oh Gus... I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife have been dealing with this heartache. I read a comment you posted on another thread but didn't connect the dots that this is something you were experiencing. Sending big virtual hugs to you.


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## alte Dame

Oh, I'm sorry. You sound like a very kind husband. How is she doing now?


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## GusPolinski

@Anonymous07, @ExiledBayStater, @heartsbeating, and @alte Dame --

I've typed (and deleted, re-typed, deleted again, etc) out responses to each of the replies posted here over the past couple of days, but -- no matter how hard I try -- I can't quite get my words to fully convey what I've been hoping to express.

I'll try again tomorrow.

For now, though, I'll say this...

Thanks.


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## Kylie84

Gus I don't have any resources to share on this subject but as you have discovered already, you and Mrs Gus are not alone even though at times it can feel like it. I am so sorry that you are both dealing with IF, the struggle is real and painful.
I was told when I was 19 that I would likely never have children and told my DH (new bf at the time) so we knew IVF might one day be our option. We tried for 2.5years including charting my cycles with body temps and ovulation kits, fertility medications... it gets to you.
The day my OB said 'Only option is to give IVF a try' I burst into tears because I didn't want to believe I was incapable of having our kids.
Well we did IVF and ended up with 3 embryos. Three chances of fulfilling our dreams. I will never take for granted just how lucky we are that the 1st stuck, giving us our little angel Sophia. She is 11 months old and 5 weeks ago I had one of our remaining two embryos defrosted and transferred and that stuck too. 
Please don't take this as me gloating I am not. I am saying I understand the frustration and heart break that IF brings, and I really hope with all my heart you and Mrs Gus have your happy ending too


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## GusPolinski

I've accepted that I'll never be a father. It hasn't been easy, but I've come to terms w/ it.

The thing is... when I was younger, I never really _wanted_ to be a father. That's not to say that I was opposed to having children, but I guess I figured that fatherhood would be something that just _happened_ to me. That's what happened w/ my parents. They met, and _maybe_ a week later I was on the way.

"Dad, how did you and Mom meet?"

"Well, son, she was the first round-eyed white girl that I saw when I got back from Okinawa..."

Gee. Thanks, Dad.

Then I met my wife. Then I fell in love w/ my wife. Then I _wanted_ children. Her children. OUR children.

I have a picture of my wife that I keep on my phone. I took it as she was in recovery (yes, I'm _that_ guy) following the last egg retrieval procedure... literally 5 seconds before the doc poked his head behind the curtain and said the two words that just broke us...

Donor. Eggs.

He said some other stuff, but that's about all we heard. She cried and cried and cried. I just held her, and tried not to cry myself.

A few days later, on our way home, we contacted an egg donor agency and set up an account on their website so that we could view profiles of donors online. To my amazement, my wife dove in headfirst.

(And I'm not sure why anyone calls it egg "donation", because they sure as Hell don't donate them!)

"Wow, look at her -- she's pretty! She's kinda tall, though... I don't want my kids to be Amazons."

"Uh huh."

"Oh look, this one is an artist!"

"Uh huh."

"Ooh... a latina with blue eyes! Our babies could have your blue eyes!"

"Uh huh."

I felt vulgar, as if I were at a supermarket meat counter looking at steaks to take home for the weekend. Mostly, though, I'm heartbroken that my children won't have my wife's warm, brown eyes or gorgeous smile.

In the coming weeks, a couple of her co-workers generously offer to donate eggs. One of them drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, and -- at not even 30 years of age -- is (somehow) a cancer survivor. Ehhh... thanks, but no thanks. We tell the other the same, but mostly because we want to avoid any complications that could possibly be introduced via familiarity and proximity. Months later we reconsider, but her husband isn't on board, though she's bound and determined to convince him otherwise. Having come to our senses, we politely ask her not to pursue it any further.

It's just as well, really... I've already chosen the woman that I want as the mother of my children, and if we can't have our own, then I'd rather not have them.

What kills me is this -- her youngest half-brother was a month and a day old when she and I started dating. He's 22 now, and has a 2-year-old daughter. When we found out that he'd gotten his girlfriend pregnant, my wife withdrew to our bedroom, laid in our bed, pulled the covers up to her neck, and just cried and cried and cried.

I just held her, and tried not to cry myself.


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## Satya

Gus, I really feel for you and your wife. I've wanted children for 12 years and the reason I don't is a mix of things I could, but mostly couldn't control. 

I used to work for a place that tested for genetic disease in the parents trying via ivf. This was right after my divorce was final. It was so sad, I realized I had options going at it alone... But I wanted it to be with someone... And I had great concerns from my year long attempt in the past. 

7 (wow, time flies...) years ago, I lived a life of trying every month with my ex. Ovulation kits, temperatures, stacks of baby books. I'd hop on the bus and see teens with babies or teens pregnant EVERYWHERE. I was so sad, like a kind of sad I look back on and realize I would never want to feel that kind of hope mixed with desperation again. It became very probable the fertility issue was with my ex and not me, but I still felt it was all me. 

Now I'm here, and this is my last shot. I am in a different place than I was. I have zero expectations. There are 2 women with babies and two massively pregnant at work, and I'm just happy for them, nothing more or less. I've made blankets for practically every baby born in any place I've worked. 

Guess I'm just sharing, everyone's journey is different. But think Gus, how special it is that you're there with her and you can share the experience, even the sadness. I was worried for a long time that I'd be doing what you both tried, alone, and very likely crying alone. I'd pretty much come to accept it. 

Be there for your wife, and let her see you cry over this, too, so she can be there for you. It's important she knows how you feel. Being stoic... Well even I say it has a time and place for a man, but right now you're a human being bonding over a life decision with your wife. Cry, grieve, let it out. Having one another helps so much.

Just for perspective on what a loon I once was, I ran to a hill near my old stomping grounds and screamed at some sheep & cows because I felt so isolated in my marriage AND I couldn't get pregnant. (Amazed I didn't get arrested...).


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## frusdil

Oh Gus, I'm so sorry to hear this. I never knew that you and Mrs Gus were dealing with this.

Mr F and I have been trying to conceive for 3 years now...no luck. Twice I was 5 days late (I've never been that late) and I got so excited...took a test...negative. Got my period within the hour. Mr F too just held me while I sobbed. Nothing he could have said would have made it any better, so he just held me.

Age is against us now I feel, I'm 43 but ever hopeful. All I've ever wanted was to be a mum...if I'd met hubby 10 years earlier we'd have 3 or 4 children now. 

I'm so sorry xo


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## farsidejunky

I'm sorry, brother. I can't imagine the frustration, heartbreak and dissapointment y'all are feeling.

I wish I had something better to say to y'all.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks

Since my infertility issues were in the 70's, am afraid I can't offer any advice. When the doctor told me that increasing the Clomid could result in a multiple-birth situation, I just stopped.

Offered my husband a divorce so he could marry a woman who could have children. He said a child would have been a blessing but I was his wife.

Am so sorry for the trials you and your wife are going through, but know that you and the Mrs. will have a full and loving life together.


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## bluezone

Hi Gus,

Sorry to hear you and your wife are going through this...been there, done that!! We tried on our own for 5-6 years. Then got serious and tried IVF with own eggs. Didn't work. I would have DONE ANYTHING to have a child and so my immediate response was to go to donor egg. GUESS WHAT? Got pregnant on first try and had my oldest son. There is NOT A DAY that goes by that I think about him being conceived with donor eggs. He is my son and I love him to death. The bonus here is that 6 months after my oldest son was born, I got pregnant ON MY OWN, no fertility treatments, no nothing. Go figure. The stress thing is huge. I guess after the first pregnancy my body figured out what to do. 

All I'm saying is, if you can afford it, donor egg is not that bad. 

Also, here is a link for low AMH: Low AMH, what are my chances of success with IVF?? | BabyCenter. And have you considered acupuncture? Very helpful with infertility stuff.

Best wishes to you both...I know how stressful this whole process is.


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## SurpriseMyself

Gus - I would encourage you and your wife to look at sources of toxins in your environment. Do you store food in plastic containers? Worse, do you microwave your food in them? Do you eat canned goods? Do you use non-green cleaning products? Do you drink tap water? Do you eat non-organic food, drink milk, eat beef and pork? Do you ever open up your windows and let fresh air in (indoor air is actually more polluted than outdoor air). Do you eat a lot of processed foods (if it comes in plastic or in a box, it's processed).

There's so much in our environment today that can wreak havoc on fertility. Removing as many toxins as possible will make both of you healthier and might result in a baby to boot.


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## BioFury

SurpriseMyself said:


> Gus - I would encourage you and your wife to look at sources of toxins in your environment. Do you store food in plastic containers? Worse, do you microwave your food in them? Do you eat canned goods? Do you use non-green cleaning products? Do you drink tap water? Do you eat non-organic food, drink milk, eat beef and pork? Do you ever open up your windows and let fresh air in (indoor air is actually more polluted than outdoor air). Do you eat a lot of processed foods (if it comes in plastic or in a box, it's processed).
> 
> There's so much in our environment today that can wreak havoc on fertility. Removing as many toxins as possible will make both of you healthier and might result in a baby to boot.


Everything she said, plus, you might consider purchasing and reading the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". It is one of the best, if not the best book on fertility and natural pregnancy achievement.

It will educate you on how exactly the monthly fertility cycle works, so you know when the fertile parts of the cycle is, and hence when to focus your efforts.


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## GusPolinski

BioFury said:


> Everything she said, plus, you might consider purchasing and reading the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". It is one of the best, if not the best book on fertility and natural pregnancy achievement.
> 
> It will educate you on how exactly the monthly fertility cycle works, so you know when the fertile parts of the cycle is, and hence when to focus your efforts.


Bought two copies of the book a while back. Good stuff in there.


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## SecondTime'Round

I'm so sorry, Gus. 

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## Anonymous07

I'm so sorry Gus that you both are still struggling with this infertility journey, but I want to say that you should cry with her. Let her see you grieve in this, too. My husband kept trying to stay strong after I had our last miscarriage and although I know he had good intentions, it made me feel like he did not care as much. I wanted to see that he was upset about it, too. Let her see that you have those same emotions and cry together.


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## GusPolinski

@Satya and @Anonymous07, you'll note that I said this...



GusPolinski said:


> I just held her, and *tried* not to cry myself.


I _tried_ not to cry.

_Tried._

Didn't succeed.

In _either_ instance.


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## kitty2013

Hugs.


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## giddiot

I am really sorry for you guys.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening
Wife and I went through (unsuccessful) infertility treatments. I think it is a very abusive industry. It peddles hope to desperate people. 

The success rate relative to no treatment is not all that good. Its expensive. It tends to ruin intimacy - for some couples it never returns. It converts sex from a wonderful bonding experience to something done on schedule, with a "goal" in mind and a measure of success or failure. Some of the drugs cause personality changes. 

In our case I'd have to say our sex life never really recovered. 

We finally took in a foster child (short term shelter care), and during that time my wife discovered that she hated having children in the house.


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## SimplyAmorous

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Wife and I went through (unsuccessful) infertility treatments. I think it is a very abusive industry. It peddles hope to desperate people.
> 
> The success rate relative to no treatment is not all that good. Its expensive. It tends to ruin intimacy - for some couples it never returns. It converts sex from a wonderful bonding experience to something done on schedule, with a "goal" in mind and a measure of success or failure. Some of the drugs cause personality changes.


 ALL of this...just one of the many un-fairnesses of life, a particularly sorrowful one..... I watched my aunt try for a child for over 10 + years.. they did end up adopting a son.. he was the joy of their lives... . Watching their struggle played into my fears when I was younger... what if I/we have troubles like they did .... 

Why I wanted to start our family in our 20's...just in case.. then those very fears came upon me... 

Just the drugs alone for an in vitro attempt 18 yrs ago , the cost was going to be $3,000 for 1 cycle, I can't imagine what it is today.. ..


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## GusPolinski

We paid roughly $5K for the meds in a "mild-to-moderate" stimulation package for the first cycle. Total costs for the "strongest possible" stimulation protocol during the second cycle came in at around $8K - $9K, though insurance covered a huge chunk of that (employer had changed providers between first and second cycles).

There was also the roughly $23K that we paid to the doc's office for the treatment, along w/ travel expenses (probably $4K - $5K for both trips), all of tests that we had done locally in the months prior to the treatment, the out-of-pocket costs for a surgical procedure earlier that year, etc.

By the way, we were told that the meds given to most donors in a single cycle come in at around $1K - $2K.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kitty2013

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Wife and I went through (unsuccessful) infertility treatments. I think it is a very abusive industry. It peddles hope to desperate people.
> 
> The success rate relative to no treatment is not all that good. Its expensive. It tends to ruin intimacy - for some couples it never returns. It converts sex from a wonderful bonding experience to something done on schedule, with a "goal" in mind and a measure of success or failure. Some of the drugs cause personality changes.
> 
> In our case I'd have to say our sex life never really recovered.
> 
> We finally took in a foster child (short term shelter care), and during that time *my wife discovered that she hated having children in the house*.


I believe deep down your wife did not hate having children in the house. She is in deep pain. It's not the same when the children are not our own.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening
its possible, but I also think she had a very unrealistic idea of what having children in the house meant. She really didn't understand the effort it takes, the extent to which it completely changes your life. I think she pictured or lives as continuing as they had, only now with a child. It doesn't work like that. 

Many people are wonderfully happy with their children, but it isn't for everyone. 




kitty2013 said:


> I believe deep down your wife did not hate having children in the house. She is in deep pain. It's not the same when the children are not our own.


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## kitty2013

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> its possible, but I also think she had a very unrealistic idea of what having children in the house meant. She really didn't understand the effort it takes, the extent to which it completely changes your life. I think she pictured or lives as continuing as they had, only now with a child. It doesn't work like that.
> 
> Many people are wonderfully happy with their children, but it isn't for everyone.



Your wife might understand, but she probably did not have enough motivation to sacrifice her lifestyle to provide wholeheartedly for these foster children because they are not her own and they are only short term shelter care. They also reminded her of her own "shortcoming" and pain. Her personality changes are her signals for help. She might not even aware of it. She needs you to understand and not judging her. I feel her pain. Good luck to you and your wife.


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## SimplyAmorous

I understand what you are trying to say @kitty2013 ... I have always felt the longing "for our own".... I had no desire.. I mean NADA to take in foster children or even adopt... my heart was just NOT INTO IT.. 

But I cried & cried for my own.. I guess that makes me pretty selfish..all these children need happy homes.. but I just wanted my own. 

I was never even a KID person.. which makes this even stranger... I hardly even baby sat when I was a teen... only a couple boys down the road a few yrs younger than me.. I can't even remember holding a baby before we had our 1st son.. 

I was never one of those women -if they see a newborn, they get all excited, they have this overwhelming urge to hold the baby & make silly faces... so NOT ME.. but when it's your own ...something just clicks.. it all comes so naturally.. that's how I felt anyway..

The last thing I'd want to do is work with kids or have a job with kids if I couldn't have my own, that would be very hard.... but for others this could fill a void somehow...and it just works... we're all wired a little differently..


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## GusPolinski

Wife's best friend just called to let us know that she's pregnant. Wanted to tell us before announcing it via Facebook.

We're very happy for her, but still...

...it should be an interesting night.


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## SecondTime'Round

GusPolinski said:


> Wife's best friend just called to let us know that she's pregnant. Wanted to tell us before announcing it via Facebook.
> 
> We're very happy for her, but still...
> 
> ...it should be an interesting night.


My heart just breaks for you. I remember so well exactly what this feels like . Be kind to one another.


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## farsidejunky

Sorry, brother. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## MJJEAN

I'm so sorry, Gus and Mrs Gus. I don't remember if you're religious or not, but thoughts and prayers.

@Satya am I correct that you have had/are having fertility troubles and make blankets for babies born to co-workers?

I got pregnant with DD1 when I was working as a customer service rep. One of the office ladies, Dee Dee, married a man named David who had some terrible childhood disease we vaccinate against now that left him infertile and blind. They didn't know about the infertility until years after they married. Before they knew, Dee Dee's mother made a blanket for her future grandchild. Many, many, years later, Dee Dee passed that blanket on to me when I came back from maternity leave. DD1 is 22 and we still have the blanket in use. I think of Dee Dee and her husband every time I see it.

Office lady blankets are the best! They're such a wonderful symbol of pure human caring. 

Also, I live in MI. It gets cold here.


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## Satya

MJJEAN, I have no fertility problems (that I yet know of). The baby blanket making has been a hobby of mine for years. It gives me a reason to bring a little joy to those who are expecting. I always tell people that some day, I hope to be making one for myself. I always get pictures of the blankets with the babies. I could make a small album of them now. I feel so incredibly happy knowing the blankets are providing comfort. Some of the babies are now little kids and they still take the blankets with them everywhere.

My ex H and I had tried for 18 months when I was around 29, to no avail. We divorced shortly after I'd taken a break from trying, because he said he wanted to change gender. It's likely he had Klinefelters but I'll never know. If he did have it, it would have meant that he was likely sterile. I wanted children more than anything in my early 20s, he never thought we were ready, I acquiesced, and many of my "good" years were wasted. I hope women will learn from my experience and not repeat it. I had very weak boundaries because I was a people-pleaser. Now I know better.

I'm now 35, with a wonderful SO, but it took time for me to find him and he is older and has children. We are trying in our own way and I am not nearly as stressed about the process as I was when I was younger. We have some contingency plans in place. There are also many fewer external stressors on me now than there were when I was younger. 

The truth is, I would love to have children, but there is also a part of me that will be okay *if *we can't. I will be sad, but I would be more sad to lose my SO's love and respect in the process of trying desperately to obtain something that could sink us financially. The other piece of this is, I refuse to let the process stress me out, because I've been there once before.

I lived in a different country for 8 years with my ex, a place where teenage pregnancy was rampant. I've been through the emotionally distressing phase of seeing every woman around me pregnant but me and I let it depress me. I'm way beyond that now. Now, I am grateful for what I have and I don't compare. Making the blankets helps to reinforce this for me. I live my own life and I value my own experiences. As much as I will do everything reasonable and achievable to have children, I do in fact have my limits on how far I'd go. My SO knows this and he's on the same page. There are steps we are willing to take, and at a point we will both agree that we did our very best and we will investigate the possibility of adoption or even consider that we want the focus to stay on each other for the foreseeable future.

After divorce, when healing, I worked in a genetics startup that specialized in pre-pregnancy genetic testing. Couples having trouble conceiving could see whether they were going to pass on genetic disease to their future offspring. It was some pretty tough stuff and it educated me about what I really wanted for my future, knowing that I was only getting older. I think it was at that time that I learned to be more at peace with how my life turned out. The world doesn't really owe me anything, I owe everything to myself to work towards something I really want.

I really feel for couples having difficulty, I do. I feel for Gus and Mrs. Gus because they have undertaken a journey that I know I will not be able to carry out quite as far as they have sincerely tried.


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