# Some advice please ... idk if to end a 10year marriage



## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

My husband and I have been together for a long time. However:

I am exhausted of trying with his family and being cast out (it sucks because I have been with my husband longer than his brother has with the mother of his kid (fiancée ) ... she has called the cops on his brother - her fiancé - multiple times ... 😑).
I’m tired of being spoken to like trash (by my husband)
Althought I love my husband ... I just don’t feel like I want to be with him anymore. 
feeling like everything is always my fault 
feeling like I’m a horrible wife (my husband says things that make me feel as if im less than)
Overall he makes me happy and I genuinely still love him. 

I feel even worse because I don’t know why I’m hated. I feel like once I became his wife his family has done a complete 180. Everything I do and do not do is questioned. If i want a child (we do not have children) and if so by when. 

Is it wrong for me to want a divorce because of this? Is this just a phase or something that happens in every marriage?

Thank you 🙏 in advance for your advice/suggestions/input.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Pumpkingpie said:


> I’m tired of being spoken to like trash (by my husband)
> Althought I love my husband ... I just don’t feel like I want to be with him anymore.
> feeling like everything is always my fault
> feeling like I’m a horrible wife (my husband says things that make me feel as if im less than)
> Overall he makes me happy


I'd sure hate to think about what your life would be like if he didn't "make you happy"........

The answer to your question, is yes, it does go on in other marriages. But it is usually not a "phase", it's something that happens in continuum. I'm guessing it has been going on for the "long time" you say you've been together ??


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

I have been with my husband since high school (I was 15). When we were just dating it felt like his family tolerated me. They were nicer, spoke to me, acknowledge my presence if I was in the room (as in if i greeted them then they would greet me or vice versa) .

Now, we have been married for 10 years but I am getting really tired of the indifference and the questions. I hate when his family comes over because it always ends with us arguing, It feels like I’m under attack when they come. It’s extremely frustrating because it’s my home! I pay the bills and I’m being attacked, questioned, and made to feel like everything I do is not enough. 

You stated it happens in “other marriages,” how do people cope or move past it? How does the partner or significant other help? 

My husband doesn’t help in the situation since he adds fuel to the fire by agreeing with his family, degrading me when he speaks to me, and his attitude towards the situation. 

We dated for 7 years and have been married for 10. I don‘t know if my reasons are sufficient. If this is not a “phase,” then how people move past this/conquer it ?


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

TJW said:


> I'd sure hate to think about what your life would be like if he didn't "make you happy"........
> 
> The answer to your question, is yes, it does go on in other marriages. But it is usually not a "phase", it's something that happens in continuum. I'm guessing it has been going on for the "long time" you say you've been together ??


Thank you so much for your reply


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Pumpkingpie said:


> My husband and I have been together for a long time. However:
> 
> I am exhausted of trying with his family and being cast out (it sucks because I have been with my husband longer than his brother has with the mother of his kid (fiancée ) ... she has called the cops on his brother - her fiancé - multiple times ... 😑).
> I’m tired of being spoken to like trash (by my husband)
> ...


As strange as this is, it is not uncommon, especially is some Mid East and Indian cultures. 

You don't have kids, her treats you badly, get out, and get a divorce.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> As strange as this is, it is not uncommon, especially is some Mid East and Indian cultures.
> 
> You don't have kids, her treats you badly, get out, and get a divorce.


Thank you for your suggestion


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The next time your in-laws visit greet them at the door. Before you allow them inside say this to them “This is my home, I will not tolerate being disrespected here by anyone.” If they start arguing just close the door and walk back inside. Do not converse with them just keep repeating what I’ve told you. Under no circumstances should you do anything to make them welcome until you get an apology and a promise to behave in an appropriate manner.
As for your husband, tell him the same thing and then ask him does he want to stay married or would he prefer a divorce. Ask him can he pay the bills if you leave or would he prefer to leave himself. 
This is the twenty first century, it’s not the seventeenth. You are an independent, intelligent woman and you should realize this and *demand* respect.
When it comes to toxic in-laws I could write a book.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> The next time your in-laws visit greet them at the door. Before you allow them inside say this to them “This is my home, I will not tolerate being disrespected here by anyone.” If they start arguing just close the door and walk back inside. Do not converse with them just keep repeating what I’ve told you. Under no circumstances should you do anything to make them welcome until you get an apology and a promise to behave in an appropriate manner.
> As for your husband, tell him the same thing and then ask him does he want to stay married or would he prefer a divorce. Ask him can he pay the bills if you leave or would he prefer to leave himself.
> This is the twenty first century, it’s not the seventeenth. You are an independent, intelligent woman and you should realize this and *demand* respect.
> When it comes to toxic in-laws I could write a book.


Thank you for taking the time to reply. I will try your suggestion. I’m concerned about how I will look to everyone else.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Pumpkingpie said:


> Thank you for taking the time to reply. I will try your suggestion. I’m concerned about how I will look to everyone else.


Well, if they are already treating you like a b-word, maybe it's time to start acting the part...?
What's the harm if they already don't like you...? What are you going to lose??


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Pumpkingpie said:


> I’m concerned about how I will look to everyone else.


Let everyone else worry about how they look to you. 
@Pumpkingpie you’ve wasted years trying to be nice to these people and it hasn’t worked. Do you know that a strong sign of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result?
If something isn’t working then it’s time to try something else. Save being nice for people who deserve it.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> Well, if they are already treating you like a b-word, maybe it's time to start acting the part...?
> What's the harm if they already don't like you...? What are you going to lose??


That’s true. I never thought about it in that way. I try with my in-laws because I love my husband and eventually once we have kids, I wouldn’t want them to treat my children badly. 

Thank you so much for giving me a different perspective. I appreciate your reply.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Pumpkingpie said:


> That’s true. I never thought about it in that way. I try with my in-laws because I love my husband and eventually once we have kids, I wouldn’t want them to treat my children badly.
> 
> Thank you so much for giving me a different perspective. I appreciate your reply.


Well, it will be much more painful for your kids to watch them treating YOU (their mother) badly!! 
You're welcome...remember, you DESERVE to be treated kindly and with respect! And maybe they need to be taught that you won't accept anything else. 
Good luck!!!


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Let everyone else worry about how they look to you.
> @Pumpkingpie you’ve wasted years trying to be nice to these people and it hasn’t worked. Do you know that a strong sign of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result?
> If something isn’t working then it’s time to try something else. Save being nice for people who deserve it.


I appreciate your words. You have made great points and asked questions that I haven’t asked myself. Thank you for taking the time to read my situation. You’re right, I have years being nice and continue to do so in the hopes that things will change and the relationship can get better. I know how close my husband is to his family...so i try. But I am exhausted.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

The way your inlaws treat you doesn't concern me near as much as his lack of defense of you and it seems he jumps on you with them. Divorce him asap, and find out why you feel the need to have a$$hats like you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why do you love a man who treats you like such crap? And I’m sorry but saying he makes you happy is you deluding yourself so you stay put and don’t have to go through the drama it takes too het out of your miserable situation. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Pumpkingpie said:


> een with my husband longer t





Pumpkingpie said:


> I have been with my husband since high school (I was 15). When we were just dating it felt like his family tolerated me. They were nicer, spoke to me, acknowledge my presence if I was in the room (as in if i greeted them then they would greet me or vice versa) .
> 
> Now, we have been married for 10 years but I am getting really tired of the indifference and the questions. I hate when his family comes over because it always ends with us arguing, It feels like I’m under attack when they come. It’s extremely frustrating because it’s my home! I pay the bills and I’m being attacked, questioned, and made to feel like everything I do is not enough.
> 
> ...



You pay the bills? What does he do?
What do they attack you about?
Why would you have to put up with that disrespect and lack of care and love?
Any man who puts his family before his wife is not worth remaining married to.
Kick his ass to the kerb, get a good lawyer and leave him for dust.

Please remember you teach people how to treat you. the more you take it the worse it will be, you sound quite strong, put a stop to this.
This is not going to get better, your H and your inlaws sound like trash!
Go get a good lawyer.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Pumpkingpie said:


> Thank you for taking the time to reply. I will try your suggestion. I’m concerned a*bout how I will look to everyone else.*


Why do you care how it will look. Stand up for yourself, you are worth so much more than being treated like this. If you cannot do it now, get some counselling or therapy to build your self esteem first then deal with them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Image is not everything. Learn to be true to you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You need to stop putting up with this, and yes, you are allowing your husband and in-laws to walk all over you. It's time to stand up for yourself and put your foot down. 

I think you also need to take off the rose colored glasses. You cannot have a great, happy marriage with a husband like this. Those are not the actions of a loving man.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Sbrown said:


> The way your inlaws treat you doesn't concern me near as much as his lack of defense of you and it seems he jumps on you with them. Divorce him asap, and find out why you feel the need to have a$$hats like you.


I think he’s just going through a lot. He isn’t working and having to constantly be at home because of the quarantine and the coronavirus ... I think this gets to him also.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> Why do you love a man who treats you like such crap? And I’m sorry but saying he makes you happy is you deluding yourself so you stay put and don’t have to go through the drama it takes too het out of your miserable situation.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thank you for your reply. I honestly never thought about what you just said: that I’m using him making me happy as an excuse to not have to deal with the drama of us not being together. I do love him and I notice when he tries and cares about me and shows it in his small ways. He isn’t always affectionate but when he is, he pays attention, listens, and tries to be supportive.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

aine said:


> You pay the bills? What does he do?
> What do they attack you about?
> Why would you have to put up with that disrespect and lack of care and love?
> Any man who puts his family before his wife is not worth remaining married to.
> ...


Thank you for your suggestion and taking the time to read/reply. 

I do pay all the bills. My husband has not been working and he is looking but it’s hard. His family attacks me about the following:

I’m not doing enough - They feel like I should be cooking more for my husband and act more like a wife (i cook but I work also... so we take turns cooking)
They dont like that I ask my husband where he is going when he leaves the house 
They call me insensitive because he is still grieving the death of his father and I wouldnt let him continue to talk down to me. (After the death of his father...I stayed shut, he took to drinking and I was the only person saying something. He would end up hospitalized and his family would continue to allow him to drink himself to death. He always came home drunk and I was the one who had to deal with the yelling, and the name calling. I dealt with everything and stayed shut because his father died. But that day when his family was attacking me and asking so many questions, i didn’t stay shut...so therefore, im insensitive)
I ask for too much (I just want him to kiss me or hold my hand once in awhile)


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

aine said:


> Why do you care how it will look. Stand up for yourself, you are worth so much more than being treated like this. If you cannot do it now, get some counselling or therapy to build your self esteem first then deal with them.


Thank you


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your husband talks down to you, makes you feel less than, doesn't stick up for you, adds fuel to the fire, etc. Did that start before or after his dad's death? Before or after covid?


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

bobert said:


> You need to stop putting up with this, and yes, you are allowing your husband and in-laws to walk all over you. It's time to stand up for yourself and put your foot down.
> 
> I think you also need to take off the rose colored glasses. You cannot have a great, happy marriage with a husband like this. Those are not the actions of a loving man.


Thank you for your reply. This statement: “Those are not the actions of a loving man.” really makes me wonder and think about the situation differently. I thought that his family doing this “interventions” (idk what else to call it because they just come to my house without my invitation and tell me everything I’m doing wrong as a wife) meant that they cared about us and wanted us to get better


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

bobert said:


> Your husband talks down to you, makes you feel less than, doesn't stick up for you, adds fuel to the fire, etc. Did that start before or after his dad's death? Before or after covid?


After his dad’s death he has been talking down to me, started being distant, adds fuel to the fire for little things & after COVID and losing his job he stopped sticking up for me, he just started complaining to his brother and his brother’s wife about me which is why they started coming over and having these “interventions” and I would just feel attacked. A lot of the time I would come home from work and they would just be here and I hate it because I would have to work the next day but it’ll be like 3am and all i’m hearing is how much I suck...just hours and hours of discussions and arguments of how much i suck, how i have potential and me defending myself


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Okay, that is _totally_ unacceptable. You should not be putting up with that at all.

They are doing this because they are toxic, they are bullies and (whether intentional or not) your husband encourages it. He is ****-talking you to his family and of course they will believe him. IMO, he is trying to take the focus of himself and his problems and put them onto you.

So, assuming your husband did not act like this prior to his father's death, he _really_ needs to see a therapist. He is clearly struggling and hasn't processed the grief. Then COVID would have made his mental health issues worse. Instead of attacking you, his family should be encouraging him to get help, but they sound very toxic.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

bobert said:


> Okay, that is _totally_ unacceptable. You should not be putting up with that at all.
> 
> They are doing this because they are toxic, they are bullies and (whether intentional or not) your husband encourages it. He is ****-talking you to his family and of course they will believe him. IMO, he is trying to take the focus of himself and his problems and put them onto you.
> 
> So, assuming your husband did not act like this prior to his father's death, he _really_ needs to see a therapist. He is clearly struggling and hasn't processed the grief. Then COVID would have made his mental health issues worse. Instead of attack you, his family should be encouraging him to get help, but they sound very toxic.


I completely agree that he has not processed his father’s death and although he stopped drinking after the last hospitalization (he was hospitalized and the doctor kept saying that he could of died. I felt horrible and I couldnt cry or scream. I felt so upset because I wld tell him to stop and everyone wld just encourage his behavior...at the end I ended up looking bad and controlling [this is why im concerned about how I will look]. But I was so so scared. It’s scary when a doctor is saying “you could of died” and when you see that your husband has been hospitalized more than once and u didnt know. I wanted to scream because apparently it wasn’t the first or third time he was hospitalized. The nurses would just pass by him and say “it’s that guy again”) he hasn’t found a way to grieve. I suggested therapy/counseling. This isn’t something he is interested in doing. 

Thank you for sharing your opinion and taking the time to read/reply 🙏


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

For relatability's sake... I think I'm a couple years older than you and have been with my wife for 17 years (started dating at 17). My family HATES my wife, always have. Up until two years ago they didn't have a good reason for that, just didn't like her. When we were teenagers they were nice to her in the same way your in-laws were but they didn't like her and over the years that "niceness" vanished. When I had issues after a loss my family coddled me but my wife gave me some tough love, they hated her more for that. She found me passed out in the yard or in a puddle of my own puke more than once. That was a decade ago but there are similarities in your story and mine.

Chances are his family will never like you but they DO need to respect you. If they don't, they need to be cut off. Simple as that. My parents are no longer allowed on my property if my wife is there. No one should be waiting to be ambushed in their own home. They are not allowed to talk to her and she blocked their numbers. It wasn't always that way... I definitely encouraged them to hate her sometimes, I let things slide and I didn't stand up for her until it got REALLY bad. Your husband should be standing up for you. Right now he is failing as a husband.

Honestly, I think you need to give him some more tough love... but you have to be prepared to follow through with it.

My wife tried to get me to go to therapy for years and years. I didn't want to and refused to go. Eventually it got bad enough that she gave me the ultimatum of go to therapy and do it properly, or divorce. At first I stomped my feet and didn't want to do it, then when I saw she wasn't backing down from that I took it seriously. It didn't really last because she started slacking so I knew I could too, I guess.

The point is, you have to be ready and willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Right now he doesn't have any reason to change... you're putting up with this crap and showing him it's okay to treat you this way. You need to give him reason to change. If he refuses, then you NEED to file for divorce and follow through. It can always be stopped later (or you can re-marry) if he opens his eyes but you can't make a "threat" and not follow through with it. And yeah, his family will hate you more for it but you know what? **** them.

Don't look at it like an ultimatum. It's not, it's you setting boundaries.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Pumpkingpie said:


> My husband and I have been together for a long time. However:
> 
> I am exhausted of trying with his family and being cast out (it sucks because I have been with my husband longer than his brother has with the mother of his kid (fiancée ) ... she has called the cops on his brother - her fiancé - multiple times ... 😑).
> I’m tired of being spoken to like trash (by my husband)
> ...


Your H needs to be the man and correct the issue with his family that makes you feel like an outcast. Furthermore, your H is disrespecting you with speaking to you like trash. This is noticed by his family and they follow suit. Tell you your to man the hell up and be a H. If your H has a problem with that show your H the door.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

I've been married 13 years. Have 3 kids together. I feel as tho im only here for the kids and i dont know what to do for the best. 
I feel happier when its just me and the kids or when im alone. 
Wife doednt work as she is my carer due to me being disabled. Last week she locked me out of the house ( its not our house. We are renting it). I stayed in the car most of the day as i had nowehere to go and then i went to stay the night at my mums as she threw a bag of my stuff outside.

The next day the kids wanted me to go for dinner. I have been here since. But she still treats me like crap. And i know i could do better. But its the thought of leaving the kids. I dont know what to do for the best.

I dont know how to tell her i want out. As everytime i try to talk to her she always shuts me down and blames everything back on me and she cant see that anything is wrong.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

bobert said:


> For relatability's sake... I think I'm a couple years older than you and have been with my wife for 17 years (started dating at 17). My family HATES my wife, always have. Up until two years ago they didn't have a good reason for that, just didn't like her. When we were teenagers they were nice to her in the same way your in-laws were but they didn't like her and over the years that "niceness" vanished. When I had issues after a loss my family coddled me but my wife gave me some tough love, they hated her more for that. She found me passed out in the yard or in a puddle of my own puke more than once. That was a decade ago but there are similarities in your story and mine.
> 
> Chances are his family will never like you but they DO need to respect you. If they don't, they need to be cut off. Simple as that. My parents are no longer allowed on my property if my wife is there. No one should be waiting to be ambushed in their own home. They are not allowed to talk to her and she blocked their numbers. It wasn't always that way... I definitely encouraged them to hate her sometimes, I let things slide and I didn't stand up for her until it got REALLY bad. Your husband should be standing up for you. Right now he is failing as a husband.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience and relating it to mine. 

I read your post a few times and I’m not sure if I’m “okay” or “fine” with his family not liking me and not being okay with us (I worry about how they will treat our future children). I’m also not okay with him having to distance himself from his family (they are so close and I do not want to be the person who causes him that level of pain). 

Thank you again for your response, it gave me a lot to think about.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Your H needs to be the man and correct the issue with his family that makes you feel like an outcast. Furthermore, your H is disrespecting you with speaking to you like trash. This is noticed by his family and they follow suit. Tell you your to man the hell up and be a H. If your H has a problem with that show your H the door.


Thank you for your response.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Pumpkingpie said:


> I think he’s just going through a lot. He isn’t working and having to constantly be at home because of the quarantine and the coronavirus ... I think this gets to him also.


AND this is why you are in this situation in the first place. He needs to get off his ass and get a job and pull his weight or do something useful at home, start a business something! D'ont now start to make excuses for his terrible behaviour. The majority of the world is in lockdown, many people have lost their jobs, that is no excuse to treat you bad and bite the hand that feeds him. He is an ungrateful piece of work. Remember that!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Pumpkingpie said:


> After his dad’s death he has been talking down to me, started being distant, adds fuel to the fire for little things & after COVID and losing his job he stopped sticking up for me, he just started complaining to his brother and his brother’s wife about me which is why they started coming over and having these “interventions” and I would just feel attacked. A lot of the time I would come home from work and they would just be here and I hate it because I would have to work the next day but it’ll be like 3am and all i’m hearing is how much I suck...just hours and hours of discussions and arguments of how much i suck, how i have potential and me defending myself


He sounds like he has a drinking problem. Are you Indian originally? Start recording these blow-ups. It sounds like the family do not actually know what you have to go through when noone is around. Record him and share it with them. That will shut them up, then tell them if they are not going to help to stay the f*** away or you will be telling all the extended family and your family too. Shame can be a great motivator as saving face is very important. Dont let this slide.
If he is a drinker then you have a much bigger problem on your hands than his putting you down.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Pumpkingpie To quote from Maya Angelou, Your husband and his family have shown you what they really are. So believe them.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So you are working and he isn’t? And he is allowing his family to treat YOU badly?

why aren’t you divorcing him? You are supporting a man who is very unkind to you!!

you may say you love him... but why do you lives man who abuses you? A man who allows his family to abuse you? That is NOT right!!!

get out! You make the money... stop making excuses for his very bad behavior! He ALLOWS his family to abuse you! That is not love! It may be all you know but it’s not right!


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> So you are working and he isn’t? And he is allowing his family to treat YOU badly?
> 
> why aren’t you divorcing him? You are supporting a man who is very unkind to you!!
> 
> ...


Thank you for reading and responding. Right now, we have an appointment for therapy and just hopefully speaking with a professional can help us and him. 

I am not trying to make excuses for him or them, but I myself try because I love my husband and I want us to work this out. I also try because then I'll know that at least I tried. I think not trying and just leaving would hurt me later as I would wonder if I did enough.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You’ve done enough!

when anyone has to endure constant abuse to stay in any relationship - it should have ended long ago!

stop trying to make it work and just end it knowing it was over long ago!

you can’t make him change... you have to be the one that changes it!


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Hey everyone, I just wanted to update. Being in this forum and reading other people’s post has been helpful in different ways. 

I did decide to continue to work on things. I didn’t know how much the situation took a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I lost so much weight, I was not sleeping, not eating, I then had a miscarriage, I became hospitalized because my left kidney was not doing too well. My father came to care for me and has taken me away. I’m still recovering but I think I let everything get to me over the past few years. 

I’m with my parents and idk why but them laughing at me because of how sickly I was looking made me laugh too. I think it’s because of the way my parents word things. But being here has given me the opportunity to take it easy on myself, not blame myself for everything, and gain some confidence. I only been with my dad for a few weeks and my skin is clearer, I gained a little weight, i’m smiling and feeling more energized. 

I’m very grateful for the advice, the truth that many gave not just in this post but the other one as well. I’m grateful for those who took the time to explain that I was grieving when I didn’t really understand it myself. When I first started posting, I was feeling extremely defeated, frustrated, hurt, confused, etc. TAM was a relief in some ways, I learned a lot from other posts. 

I’m currently still recovering but just wanted to tell you guys that I’m grateful for the space, honesty, time, and the wisdom that’s been shared.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Pumpkingpie said:


> Thank you for your suggestion and taking the time to read/reply.
> 
> I do pay all the bills. My husband has not been working and he is looking but it’s hard. His family attacks me about the following:
> 
> ...


What you describe:
His family is disrespectful of you, your husband is allowing the disrespect, he is being disrespectful to you, and YOU are supporting a drunk that has no job.

Why don’t YOU show your husband how life is without his wide that nags for affection, doesn’t cook enough when she comes home from a bread winning job, and doesn’t act like enough of a wife—- by starting the divorce process and giving him the time to get a job and rethink his attitude towards his wife.

Btw, it’s perfectly normal for a wife to ask her husband where he’s going when he leaves the home. It’s also normal for a husband to tell his wife. If he has a problem telling where he’s going, that’s his problem.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> What you describe:
> His family is disrespectful of you, your husband is allowing the disrespect, he is being disrespectful to you, and YOU are supporting a drunk that has no job.
> 
> Why don’t YOU show your husband how life is without his wide that nags for affection, doesn’t cook enough when she comes home from a bread winning job, and doesn’t act like enough of a wife—- by starting the divorce process and giving him the time to get a job and rethink his attitude towards his wife.
> ...


I no longer see his family ... at all! It was mentally and emotionally hurting me. So, I keep my distance and they keep theirs. 

In the last two or three months things have changed. I’m no longer working and he became the sole provider. However, I have enough money saved to pay for everything because he doesn’t make enough. I also don’t want him to stress, I went through that and it just really creates a dark cloud.

But I’m staying at my parents. My father took me away because my health was just not well. I made sure to leave and pay our rent in advance, I left him with money just in case, and although he didn’t see me at the hospital ( he couldn’t see me even if he had wanted to), he did take care of me. 

At the being of this year, he was very distant and would make comments suggesting divorce. On February 2021 he let me know that he wanted to nothing to do with me. I cried and begged. It was hard for me to speak to him about the miscarriage because of this. When my health declined, he did care for me. 

I’m with my family and it definitely has helped. Being away does not make him miss me. 

To be honest, I still love him. So, although part of me doesn’t want to be with him, I don’t want a divorce. I want to work through it. I don’t look my age and I know and feel like it won’t be difficult for me to start again but I don’t want to. I want it to be him who loves me. At the end ... I want to be loved and feel loved ... by him. Threatening divorce, while it feels like he already doesn’t care much will make him follow through with it.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Pumpkingpie said:


> To be honest, I still love him. So, although part of me doesn’t want to be with him, I don’t want a divorce. I want to work through it. I don’t look my age and I know and feel like it won’t be difficult for me to start again but I don’t want to. I want it to be him who loves me. At the end ... I want to be loved and feel loved ... by him. Threatening divorce, while it feels like he already doesn’t care much will make him follow through with it.


What do you do when you feel like that? Don’t you continue to work on it? I don’t know, someone had asked in the other thread what was my plan. I did therapy. I figured out a lot that i needed to but Idk what my plan is. How do people come up with a plan?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Pumpkingpie said:


> My husband doesn’t help in the situation since he adds fuel to the fire by agreeing with his family, degrading me when he speaks to me, and his attitude towards the situation.


Were I in your shoes, the marriage would be over. I'd start taking steps in that direction today. These people are trash. How can you love someone who would do that? You're confusing habit with love.


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Thank you for everyone taking the time to reply. 

@Sfort - That definitely hit hard. That’s something I need to think about.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Pumpkingpie said:


> I no longer see his family ... at all! It was mentally and emotionally hurting me. So, I keep my distance and they keep theirs.
> 
> In the last two or three months things have changed. I’m no longer working and he became the sole provider. However, I have enough money saved to pay for everything because he doesn’t make enough. I also don’t want him to stress, I went through that and it just really creates a dark cloud.
> 
> ...


the bolded part: don’t ignore this.
It is totally normal to still be in love and want a person one has loved for a long time. It takes YEARS to get over those feelings. From my experience, it has taken me 2-7 years to get over it. But realize that if he’s been distant for a while, suggested divorce, and told you he wanted nothing to do with you—- he is over you. And just because your feelings are there, it has absolutely zero effect on his. You begging him actually had the opposite effect on him. Subconsciously it told him he was better than you and you were beneath him.

Your feelings for him are going to cause you to drain your savings to help him and you will end up with nothing.
It totally sucks to have to start over. But my advice to you is to do that. From what you have described, you can’t do a lot worse than a man who abuses you emotionally and lets his family do the same, AND is not even a decent provider. I wish you luck gaining the self confidence you need to move on and let your feelings die for him, just like he has allowed his time die already. Feelings rarely if ever return. My wish is that everyone who has a good heart can find someone who fills it. This guy you’re married to drains yours. Give yourself some time and get a job and work toward building yourself a new life. You will eventually meet a man that treats you with love and respect if you choose to only accept a man that does that. And you’ll wonder why you ever accepted less.
Good luck.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I’ve said it on this forum a hundred times: no man is worth this shtt. None. Not one. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your fairytale dreams of “I’m gonna have a baby” are completely ruining your ability to see the garbage in your life. You need to throw those rose colored glasses away and see what everyone else can ....... clearly


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Thank you all for the harsh truth. 💛🙏


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Pumpkingpie said:


> Thank you all for the harsh truth. 💛🙏


It might be harsh but don’t worry .... everyone loves pumpkin pie 😉


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> It might be harsh but don’t worry .... everyone loves pumpkin pie 😉


I thank you and everyone else. I appreciate the honest truth that y’all given me.


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