# Affair 3 years prior, Wife with BPD.. Need Help



## jappleseed181 (Oct 29, 2011)

Ok, I will try to make this as short and simple as possible.

3 years ago I had an affair. It was wrong, I know that now. my wife was pushing the marriage thing hard, and I just went outside of the new marriage and had an affair. It was her friend, she kinda came on to me...but I didnt stop it either. I know I was wrong, and have tried to improve communication.

My wife has Bi Polar, and I am sure BPD. She is very hard to live with. She still does not trust me 3 years later. Its hard. i havent hung out with friends in 3 years. I rarely get anytime to myslef, unless I am at work. 

We have a 3 year old that I love more than anything. Divorce would come if it werent for him. I cant stand the thought of leaving, and not seeing him every day.

Now, wife wnats to have another baby. She says because I am hesitant, I dont love her. I told her we need to be in a better spot, more in unison with each other. She just says that she needs this because the 1st pregnancy was ruined by the affair(after we found out wife was pregnant I ended the affair, it was 3 months long) and she wants to be happy. She used to medicated for bi polar, but stopped to get pregnant.

I am confused. i dont want another babywith her, but man she makes ME feel like ****, so then I cave in to her. What can I do... How can I get through this... She has a way of turning everything around on me because of the affair...


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

This is a great time for you to set some guidelines that YOU would be happy with. Say, okay, let's have a baby, but I want to see some things first. Outline what you want to see - the two of you happier together, more trust, whatever... then put it in her court in regard to what she wants to do.


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## jappleseed181 (Oct 29, 2011)

I have kind of tried that, and she just makes me feel like I owe it to her. She mad, not listen, cry...shes just all over the place. She is very hard to live with un-medicated. Medicated makes her a different person, but she still is very controlling, wich she blames on me and the affair.

i just want to be happy, have a wife that supports me in my endeavors. We have things in common, but the stuff I like that she doesnt, she makes me feel bad, or gets mad when I want to do them.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

The affair was three years ago. It's time to get over it. 

You don't owe her anything other than being a good husband to her. Of course she goes all over the place, she's off her meds - and it works. You end up listening to her to keep the peace. 

So, try it again and put your foot down. You can be loving about it, but if you don't, your marriage will not last at all, let alone having another child together.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You don't love her. You said so yourself. So divorce her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You don't love her. You said so yourself. So divorce her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


+1 on this.

Do not have another kid with your W. Things will only get worse. 3-5 years from now, you will be in this same spot.

BTW your W seems to be giving you a guilt trip to get you to do what she wants. "If you love me...you would do as I say..". 

It sounds like your W is controlling. And used to get her way.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

delete


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

DO NOT bring another child into your marriage until or if you sort your marriage out. The child deserves a loving home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Make sure you wear a condom. Don't trust your wife on birth control.

Secondly, imo you should divorce. BPD is not going to get better. Period. You cannot expect any improvement in your marriage ever. If you stay, you will become very resentful of her and of your child, and eventually you will divorce her anyway. And you'll probably have another affair along the way. Your son will learn from you all the wrong things about what a marriage looks like and how a husband acts.

Divorce her. Go for maximum custody of your child and bring him up in a healthy home.


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## OldSchool (Nov 3, 2011)

I wouldn't have any children with a woman who has BPD, if I already have some then I'm not having any more. In fact I'd probably go get a vasectomy. BPD even when under control is still volatile and I would be most concerned for the kids and then myself as well. It's bad enough to work with someone who has BPD, I can't imagine living with one.

Life has enough problems without having to live with crazy people. Sure it sounds insensitive but BPD is crazy isn't it? Certainly is in a practical sense.

If you are unable to reasonably predict the behavior of your spouse then you have no trust. 

My 2 cents.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

OldSchool said:


> I wouldn't have any children with a woman who has BPD, if I already have some then I'm not having any more. In fact I'd probably go get a vasectomy. BPD even when under control is still volatile and I would be most concerned for the kids and then myself as well. It's bad enough to work with someone who has BPD, I can't imagine living with one.
> 
> Life has enough problems without having to live with crazy people. Sure it sounds insensitive but BPD is crazy isn't it? Certainly is in a practical sense.
> 
> ...



Wow, just wow! I have BPD and I take offense to this. I have children and we are all doing fine. BPD'ers who get the help they need and stick with it, can have "normal" lives. As far as BPD=crazy, you couldn't be more wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldSchool (Nov 3, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Wow, just wow! I have BPD and I take offense to this. I have children and we are all doing fine. BPD'ers *who get the help they need and stick with it*, can have "normal" lives. As far as BPD=crazy, you couldn't be more wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't agree. My experience with people who had BPD leads me to believe otherwise. Not asking you to agree with me, or marry me. It's simply my opinion. 

Your caveat (in bold) only helps make my point.

I guess I'm just sensitive to people who have emotional problems, regardless of cause.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

OldSchool said:


> I don't agree. My experience with people who had BPD leads me to believe otherwise. Not asking you to agree with me, or marry me. It's simply my opinion.
> 
> Your caveat (in bold) only helps make my point.
> 
> I guess I'm just sensitive to people who have emotional problems, regardless of cause.



To be fair, you haven't met everyone who has BPD. Therefore, you are basing your opinion on your limited interaction with a few BPD'ers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldSchool (Nov 3, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> To be fair, you haven't met everyone who has BPD. Therefore, you are basing your opinion on your limited interaction with a few BPD'ers.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's how people are. We make judgement calls based on the knowledge we have at the time. But that's fine, it's not as if I have to associate with certain people against my will, we do live in a free country after all. If I work with one I have the option of finding employment elsewhere.

I certainly don't have to marry someone I don't like to, regardless of the reason, and thus I put in my 2 cents. What works for me might or might not work for others.

However trying to silence an unpopular opinion is just as offensive if not more so than saying that I think marrying people with a behavioral/mental/other disorder is not a good idea.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I was trying to give the OP another view. I was not trying to silence you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

OldSchool said:


> BPD is crazy isn't it?


No, Pidge is correct with respect to the common usage of that term. It commonly means that a person is insane, i.e., has lost touch with physical reality. An example is a person who believes that the TV news anchor is speaking to him personally -- or a person who is halucinating. This is why certain disorders such as schizophrenia and psychosis can be said to make a person insane, deranged, or "crazy." Significantly, none of the ten personality disorders (PDs) -- including BPD -- typically cause a person to be crazy.

OldSchool, if you believe that all BPDers (those with strong BPD traits) are crazy, you will be surprised to learn that the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning people. It is not unusual to find BPDers who are professors, Hollywood actors, medical doctors, social workers, and attorneys. Such high functioning BPDers typically do very well in relating to casual friends, complete strangers, and business associates because none of those people are capable of triggering their two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no relationship to trigger abandonment fears and no intimacy to trigger engulfment. Heaven help you, however, if you draw near and become a close friend of a BPDer who (unlike Pidge) is untreated. As you draw close to such a person, you will start triggering their enormous feelings of hurt and anger, resulting in lots of abuse directed at you.

BPDers are so common that, if they were all crazy, they would be highly visible because there are so many of them. In 2008, the results of a large scale study (in face to face interviews with nearly 35,000 American adults) was published. It was funded by NIH. The researchers found that 6% of the population has BPD at the diagnostic level at some point during their lifetimes. If you add in the folks who have very strong BPD traits that always fall somewhat short of that diagnostic threshold, you will get an even larger percentage -- making BPDers, IMO, as common as folks who are left handed. 

Yet, until you become a close friend or lover, you likely will never know. The reason, of course, is that BPDers are not crazy. They have a normal perception of physical reality. Indeed, even low functioning BPDers typically are not crazy. (Of course, when there is sufficient stress, a LF BPDer may be pushed into psychosis and become "crazy" -- but that risk is true for all of us when stress is very severe.)

With BPDers, what is distorted is the perception of other peoples' motivations and intentions when those people draw close, triggering the BPDer's fears. When the fears are triggered, the BPDer experiences very intense feelings because she is unable to manage her emotions very well. But this is true for ALL OF US. That is, whenever you and I experience intense feelings (i.e., infatuation or anger), our perceptions of other people's intentions becomes distorted. You learned that before leaving high school. 

Specifically, you learned that, whenever you were very angry, you should wait until you cool down before taking action, because you know that you cannot trust your own judgment when you are angry. Likewise, you learned that, whenever you are infatuated with someone, you should wait at least a year before proposing marriage because -- again -- you know you cannot trust your judgment about another person while you are infatuated. Similarly, your judgment of other people becomes distorted by the intense feelings associated with being extremely tired, drunk, in pain, or depressed. 

Hence, if you want to use the term "crazy" to denote a distortion in one's perception of other peoples' intentions, you would have to argue that every person on the planet gets "crazy" for many hours nearly every week. Moreover, all the children would have to be said to be "crazy" on a 24/7 basis. All young children exhibit typical BPDer behavior -- temper tantrums, black-white thinking, lack of impulse control, denial, projection, splitting, and refusal to take responsibility -- all day long. 

Moreover, that BPDer behavior typically persists at a strong level until the late teens for a large share (if not most) of the population. This is why psychologists usually are unwilling to diagnose BPD in anyone under the age of 18. My point, then, is that a large share of teenagers would have to be called "crazy" by your definition of the term. Of course, you are entitled to define the term however you want -- but Pidge is correct about the common usage of this term. 

I am not a psychologist. Rather, I am just a man who lived with a BPDer exW for 15 years, taking her to six different psychologists (and two MCs), all to no avail. Since separating from my exW five years ago, I've communicated with nearly a hundred self-aware BPDers like Pidge -- and with many hundreds of nonBPD partners and ex-spouses like me. As far as I could tell, none of those people were "crazy" or "insane." 

The reason, as I understand it, is that BPDers do not differ from us "Nons" _in kind._ Rather, they differ from us only _in degree_. Due to their lack of control over emotions, they experience intense feelings more often and more intensely. As with the rest of us, such intense feelings distort their perception of other peoples' intentions. But they see _physical_ reality just fine.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

RunningOnEmpty said:


> +1 on this.
> 
> Do not have another kid with your W. Things will only get worse. 3-5 years from now, you will be in this same spot.
> 
> ...


..and you are used to giving into her. I'm in this camp. I'd leave her. Life is too short. Yes, you made a mistake but it sounds like you've bent over backwards to make amends to no avail. 

Your wife is not only looking to throw a guilt trip on you about the affair (so why DID you have an affair again? Hmmm? ) but she's got a mess of her own problems that's she unwilling to deal with. 

First, she's looking for her next "fix"..having another baby. You "ruined" the last one. She has yet to look in the mirror and say "I am my own problem". She blames everyone else. Now's she unmedicated . There's no excuse for that because she could've gotten back on her medication long before now if she stopped while pregnant with your first child. 

Medication isn't a cure for mental illness but what it CAN do is get her in a frame of mind where she can think and reason about what she's feeling and saying. She's not willing to do that because then she'd have to accept her part in everything that is wrong in her life. For you, it's a losing battle. 

You have one child who is undoubtedly suffering as a result of all this mess, and NOW you are considering adding another to the mix just to appease her. Well it won't. You'll just have a bigger mess. 

If you don't love her and want to get on with your life (life is short!) then go to an attorney and consider your options. If you can document your wife's problems and history you can sue for full custody. It'll be hard but in the end it'll be better for you and your child. 

I'm not going to get into the BPD argument because in this thread it's not relevant. His wife does not WANT to help herself and gives no indication of changing. Quite the opposite. She is looking for the OP to appease her so she can move on to her "next big thing" and having another child will be another way to keep you in this marriage and control you. If you think you are miserable now, just wait. It can and will get worse. 

Don't let that happen. It'll just get worse.


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