# Cooljay's journal part 2 - turning over a new leaf



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

For those who were following my old thread, I've started up again. The old one was taken down simply because of so much going on I wanted to have a fresh start on the journal (I hope that's OK mods).

So I'm renting my own place, doing my own things and generally trying to move forward. Word I've gotten from her grandparents is that she is really re-thinking everything now that she has to pay for everything herself and that she's thinking of working things out between us.

Her grandparents also said so long as she is living on their land (our house is on their land) she is not allowed to pull the whole false DV allegations ever again and if she does she will be removed from their property.

I try to see our daughter once a week at minimum but it's hard sometimes with gas prices right now. I've been told I don't have to worry about stbxw saying anything or doing anything as far as the silly protection order and I want to believe them but I can't risk it so it's very rough on me and our daughter misses me terribly and I miss her more than anything.

The PO lasts until the end of May which after that point I can finally be able to move back home. Of course I'm not just going to "barge" back in, I'm going to let stbxw know that I'll be planning on moving back in and give her a months time to decide on if she wants to stay or she can decide to leave but that's going to be her choice and should we go the divorce route well when it comes that time and the property is all divided up by the courts I'll go from there.

Just counting down the days until I can be back home.


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## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

It's good to see that her grandparents are being logical and fair. I was wondering if they'd ever put their foot down for the betterment of their grandchild. Good stuff Jay


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

- UPDATE -

My parents are visiting to see me and see my daughter. They went to go see her this morning but she was at one of her friends from Sunday school because they had a sleep over so they talked to STBXW's grandparents and STBXW. They came back to my place and were jumping on me saying that I needed to go spend more time with my daughter and that STBXW told them my daughter cried last time I visited because I only stayed "15" minutes (actually an hour) but I had to leave and go to the ER due to not being able to move my arm any and my shoulder was in extreme pain. My daughter gets upset when I leave no matter how much time I spend with her because she wants daddy to stay with her and nothing I can do about that and I feel bad enough about it as it is.

Well come to find out STBXW is still complaining I don't spend enough time with our daughter and told my parents that I should be coming to the house to spend time with her and that she won't call the police on me if I do come spend time with our daughter even though the DVPO is still active until the end of May. She told my parents the DVPO which is based on false accusation because she wanted the house and that was the only way to get me out (she said I pushed her which I never did), anyways she said that even though there is a DVPO it shouldn't stop me from coming down to the house to spend time with our daughter and that if she had a DVPO against her it wouldn't stop her from coming to see our daughter.

The DVPO clearly states on it "THE PLAINTIFF (STBXW) CAN NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO BREAK THE DVPO". So it's pretty much the same old no matter what I do it's never enough for her deal.

She also told them that one night she came home and the back door was open and she called the police and that they saw footprints but nothing was missing and she told my parents she thought maybe it was me and that I went in there because I forgot something. Yes, still have the keys but I haven't even had the thought of going back to the house until this whole DVPO crap is over with.

Thing is I've been trying to spend whatever time I can with my daughter but STBXW has been keeping her and every time I've called STBXW's grandparents to see about visiting my daughter either they don't have her and STBXW does and won't let her come up, or they are gone and don't answer.

Now before anyone jumps on me about working out a schedule, that's what lead to the whole DVPO situation. The night before she went and got it I told her we needed to work out a schedule for our daughters sake and stbxw did not like that and started yelling and scream (saying I was trying to take our daughter away call the police!!) so sort of going through the court system I've exhausted pretty much every option available to me. The reason I haven't gone the court route yet is due to lack of money to get a lawyer at the moment, which costs around $3,000 or more.

My parents also said they went into the house and it smelled like cat pee and come to find out stbxw has been letting a stray male cat come into the house whenever he wants and she said it smelled like he had gone around the house marking his territory.

So that's where I'm at right now. I already know no matter how much I do it's going to NEVER be "enough" for stbxw, and at this point I don't have to "prove" anything to her anyways.


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## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

It would have been good if your parents had recorded all this. Get a voice recorder and keep a journal of everything Jay. Lying to get a protective order against you is a real shiddy move on her part. If you she admitted such and you got that on tape, boy that may help you out a lot. Especially her saying "If I had the order on me I'd still go" bit.

Anyway, how's the extracurricular activities been man?


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

ilou said:


> Anyway, how's the extracurricular activities been man?


Pretty good. Been keeping myself busy especially with the whole volunteer firefighter deal and taking classes related to it the past 5 months but tonight was the last night for awhile but trying to keep myself busy. Been a bit rough the past couple of weeks as my shoulder has been in pretty bad pain due to "bursitis" (inflammation around the joint) and I was told I'll probably end up having to get cortisone injections into my shoulder.

Of course even my own family has "problems" with that in the sense that they say I use it as "excuses" to not go see my daughter, which I haven't at all :scratchhead:. Most of the time I try to arrange to see my daughter either her grandparents aren't home when I call or stbxw has her and she doesn't tell her grandparents when she's got to work or anything so they know when would be a good time/day to see her. Guess I need to invent a cloning machine so there can be more of me lol.

Seems I'm either doing "too much" or "not enough", or some how both at the same time .


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## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

Yeah, what you said about your parents really stumped me. Why would they say that?

By the way Jay, how much time does being a volunteer firefighter take of your day?


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Not much time really. The department I volunteer with is one of the smaller ones so we don't get many calls a week, maybe 2-3 a week on average. I want to say about 99% of the time we're usually only there for an hour or two at most if it's a car accident or a small fire/grass fire sort of deal. With it being volunteer if I'm busy or have other plans I don't have to go to the call so there is that. We have a training meeting and a "business" meeting each month but usually only 2-3 hours max. Same with most classes being only 2-3 hours in the evenings spaced out over a few weeks and usually only 2 nights a week.

As for my parents well it's mainly my mom. She doesn't really understand the situation I'm in currently due to the protection order which I have to be careful. So pretty much stbxw getting the false PO put a big strain on everything and it makes it a lot harder for me to setup time to be with my daughter that much more. I'm also afraid stbxw might try to say I did something to our daughter since she already lied to get a PO, my counselor even told me I need to be very cautious right now in that regard.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Just an update on things. I've got a schedule for seeing my daughter worked out with stbxw's grandparents. Stbxw's grandmother called me this morning and asked to make sure I was still coming and I said yes I'll be there at such and such time and talked with her for a minute before ending the call. About 30 minutes later the phone rings and it's stbxw's grandmother's number and when I answer my daughter was on the phone and wanted to talk to me which really made my day. She asked if I was coming to play with her today and I said yes daddy will be there today to play with you and she said ok daddy! and handed the phone to stbxw's grandma and we talked for a few minutes about how my daughter wanted to call on her own and talk and make sure daddy was coming to see her.

So I arrive at the time I said I would be there and my daughter is no where around and stbxw's grandmother told me that about 15 minutes before I got there she went to check her mailbox and noticed that the door to our house was wide open and stbxw's vehicle was gone. She also told me that my daughter had spilled some foot powder on a rug and was trying to help clean it up and she called stbxw and told her that she needed to watch our daughter so she could get the mess cleaned up.

So stbxw's grandmother told me she didn't know where stbxw went or why she took our daughter since she told her that I was going to be there to spend time with her today at the time we setup. Stbxw's grandmother was worried maybe some of the foot powder stuff maybe got in my daughters eyes or something and maybe stbxw took her to the dr's or the hospital and she said stbxw wasn't answering the cell phone she has and it was going straight to voice mail. Of course I was worried maybe she was having an allergic reaction or something and I told stbxw's grandmother I'd go by the clinic and hospital to see if stbxw took her there and I left and went by and checked both places and she wasn't there. I called and let stbxw's grandmother know she wasn't at either place and she said she still wasn't home yet and still wasn't answering her phone. So not much else I could really do at that point except go back home and wait as she told me she would call as soon as stbxw got back and let me know what was going on.

About 2 hours later stbxw's grandmother calls and says that stbxw took our daughter to a restaurant play area since our daughter was throwing a fit and did that to calm her down and that once again she "lost track of time".

Stbxw's grandmother also told me that my daughter does not want to stay down at the house with stbxw at all. She'll say she wants to go down there will take a step inside the door and then tell stbxw she wants her to come up to stbxw's grandma's house and play and will go back and won't stay at the house and that she's been giving stbxw a lot of trouble when she keeps her down at the house. She also told me that my daughter asks stbxw's grandma if I can come over and play with her a lot and hearing that just really broke my heart again. It's hard to hear things like that and know there isn't anything I can do about it at the moment.


Also on the whole front door being left open in one of my previous posts above you'll see I mentioned she called the police because she came home one day and the back door was wide open and she tried to hint to my parents that maybe I came back trying to get something I left but nothing was missing, and now a few weeks later she leaves the house and leaves the front door wide open :crazy:.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Spent time with my daughter today, was a great time! I was outside playing with her at stbxw's grandparents and I saw her drive by after getting off work and then she went up the road and turned around and went to the house. I suppose she thought I wasn't going to show up today to spend time with our daughter and since she has the PO against me she couldn't come up there while I was there, but she called as soon as she got in at the house which I didn't care about nor really pay any mind to since I was too busy having fun with our daughter.

Stbxw's grandmother called our daughters doctor today due to my daughter having really bad allergies and they got her a prescription for some eye drops and allergy medication so I'm glad for that. I had missed her call this morning and by time I called back they had already went to pickup her prescription but stbxw's grandmother is upset that stbxw didn't even bother to take her yesterday with the way her allergies were acting up when she took off with her yesterday. She told me stbxw better tell her when it's time to get the medicine refilled.

Of course at the volunteer firefighter training meeting we had yesterday evening I saw stbxw drive by twice while we were all outside, and that's one of the things she complained about when she gave me the whole separation speech was that she didn't like me going out and doing things like the fire department  even though it was only a few hours twice a month and maybe a few hours spread out over the whole month on actual calls.

Well since the separation I've actually had a lot more fun and just over all enjoy it even going to classes for it has been fun and enjoyable. I'm the type of person who always loves to learn new things anyways :smthumbup:.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I'm glad you got to spend some time with your daughter cooljay.I remember your story from last fall.How are you doing yourself? Other than the volunteering,do you get out and about and socialize a bit?


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Yeah I've been getting out and socializing whenever I get time to  and it's been great!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Well,its good you're getting out man and I hope things start working out a little more in your favor.I see where you want to sort out a schedule concerning your daughter.Is there no type of legal aid that you can access where you live or even fathers rights groups?


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

TBT said:


> Well,its good you're getting out man and I hope things start working out a little more in your favor.I see where you want to sort out a schedule concerning your daughter.Is there no type of legal aid that you can access where you live or even fathers rights groups?


Unfortunately not . I've searched around and even called the legal aid for this area and they won't help other than pointing out what court forms you would need to fill out and create and any lawyer won't even talk to you unless you give them $100+ for a 15-30 minute consultation and the minimum rate on family court matters is around $3,500 not including filing fees and fee for the sheriff to serve the papers.

I've already talked to a lawyer when all of this started happening and right after she filed for a PO (it was a civil matter, in that she just went down to the court house and filled out a form and wrote whatever she wanted on it) so I did at least get some general advice even though it was basically the same thing I was told on here before I even met the lawyer .

After the whole PO court issue I defiantly want a lawyer once the whole custody case starts as I've already experienced first hand how the court views me because I'm a guy when the judge flat out said my story of events wasn't true and gave me a lecture on how I better not take my daughter across state lines etc. even though there was absolutely no way I'd do that anyways so no help right now unless I win the lottery.

Also for those wondering about the whole PO thing, it was a civil matter in that she went to the court house and filled for a PO and wrote down things that never happened. She did this the day after I talked to her and told her we needed to work out some type of scheduling for our daughter. It's hard to even talk about it because when you do the very first thing people tend to think probably is that I abused and beat up my stbxw or something like that when in reality it was a way for her to get me kicked out of the martial home when I told her I wasn't comfortable leaving it since she is the one who left me (a PO gets you kicked out of the house for as long as it is active) and she had even said the night before she went and got the PO that if I thought I was going to have the home I was dead wrong. She also tried to use it to get exclusive custody of our daughter but thankfully the judge didn't grant that part. So in short it was a way of her getting her way at the time and abusing the legal system .


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Got to spend time again with my daughter today . I was told she's been constantly asking for me and wanting me to be with her. When I got there she was taking a nap so I went and put my head down next to hers and she opened her eyes for a moment and put her arm around my neck and laid there for about another minute before opening her eyes and saying: "I was saying Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy!" talking about her wanting me to be there with her I suppose but it made me smile and of course she woke right up after that and immediately got her shoes on and said come on daddy I want to go outside and play with you! So we spent the next 3 hours outside playing and just having a blast and I took her to get a Frosty which she likes because it's soft and easier for her to eat. While on the way to get her frosty she goes "When I grow up I'm going to ride the fire truck just like you daddy!" and that just made my day to hear her say that. 

Word is stbxw quit her old job and found another one with more hours but now she doesn't hardly have any time with our daughter. More time for me to spend with her though! 

The last week was a little rough. I finally got a cortisone shot from my doctor last Wednesday for bursitis in my shoulder so I was pretty much out for the count over the weekend due to the way the shot works (makes your pain worse before it gets better) and the day after I got the shot a cold front moved through and I started getting sick with a cold but feeling better, now if only this darn pollen would go away finally!


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Spent yet more time with my daughter today  which really made me feel great of course. She's wanting me more and even had stbxw's grandma let her call me before I went to see her to ask me where I was and if I could come over and play with her . Her hair was a bit of a mess but she wouldn't let stbxw or her grandma brush it, she told them that she wanted daddy to do it.

I'm hoping that's a very good thing for me, I just don't want stbxw to turn around and try and say I'm making our daughter not like her or something. I don't get much time with her as it is anyways and what time I do have with her we're too busy playing, especially outside now that it has warmed up and I honestly hate people who use their kids as a way to get back at their spouse and I never say anything negative about stbxw around our daughter.

I'm not just giving her what she wants either when she does do wrong she gets time out/toys taken away etc. so it's not daddy = fun all the time and won't take away my toys sort of thing either. I just play with her and have fun and we go on walks as stbxw's grandparents have a large amount of property so she likes to go exploring.

As for me I'm doing good, getting out doing my own thing and just in general living my life and moving on. Been wanting to go to the movies but haven't yet seen any movies I like. This year has been kind of dull as far as good movies go lol.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Today I started exercising (more than just walking around / playing with my daughter) and lifting weights. Feels so good to be doing something for me and it's something I've wanted to do for such a long time. Makes me feel a lot better too even with everything going on it's a great way to release stress and other feelings related to everything that's happened.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Last night was a bad night. I was just about to fall asleep and out of no where like being hit by a truck all the happy memories just flooded back. I couldn't fall asleep no matter what I tried to do to distract my thoughts away and was crying most of the night and didn't fall asleep until early in the morning .


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry about the night you had cj.It's to be expected that you'll experience some ups and downs....you're only human and you still haven't put an ending to this chapter of your life yet.When I was in similar situations,and I have been believe me,I would get up and distract myself whatever way I could.It's good to see your lifting weights because as you said it definitely helps with the stress.

Time will change things.We put a lot of emotions in over time when we love someone and so letting go takes time as well imo.Hope you have more good days than bad ones.Take care my friend.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Well I learned some things the other day from stbxw's grandmother. Stbxw is working a new job that now has her working until around 7 at night. I went Thursday to see my daughter at stbxw's grandparents house and my daughter wasn't there and her grandmother told me stbxw had taken our daughter to a babysitter the day BEFORE and decided to leave her with the babysitter overnight and the next day which was a day I had said I would be coming to see our daughter and she knew that I would be there so see our daughter on that day.

Stbxw is not keeping our daughter with her at night or on her days off. Stbxw's grandmother told me that our daughter has been staying with her and that stbxw comes to their house to visit our daughter and leaves her there.

The DVPO she lied to get ends the 26th of this month so I'm glad for that going to be over. Since the DVPO had me kicked out of the home until it ended that means I can move back in to the martial home which I had planned on staying in since stbxw is the one who left but stbxw got angry at me when I refused to leave and the next day is when she went and lied to get a DVPO and have me kicked out of the house.

So come the end of this month I'm going to while having several methods of recording both video and audio to protect myself from any lies she might make up and talk to her and let her know I will be moving back in the house since it is still legally the marital home and still in both of our names.

Since she isn't keeping our daughter at night and on her days off at home there is no sense in her having the home with our daughter's bedroom and stuff in it. Now this might sound like I'm being mean (maybe? let me know!) but since she wants to have a place to herself and is not keeping our daughter with her, she can find a place to rent and I happen to know a place that will be available to rent soon .

Oh and stbxw's grandmother told me her new job is assisting people with disabilities or the elderly and right now she's helping someone with a mental disability and yet she can't really even take care of our daughter as far as keeping her bathed, teeth brushed, diaper changed, reading to our daughter or any of that but she will do all of that for a complete stranger :bsflag: :crazy:.

Our daughter also asks for me to play and do things with her and wants me there with her all the time and from what I understand from stbxw's grandmother she hardly ever asks for mommy, it's always mainly daddy.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Started feeling sick on Friday last week but went and seen my daughter anyways since I had car problems the day before. So I spent time with my daughter Friday afternoon and came back home. Started feeling a lot worse over the weekend and I've been really sick ever since Sunday, still have a fever and chills today.

It bothers me enough that I've had to miss seeing my daughter this week due to being so sick so I'm already pretty down about that but now my own mother called and jumped me for being sick and not seeing my daughter this week (my family is in another state) so that made me feel even worse. One thing I am remembering though is my counselor told me that I need to focus on me first.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Well the civil DVPO is up on the 26th, Sunday :smthumbup: and for those wondering a civil DVPO means she went in to the court house and filled out a form they have and put down anything she wanted to and once you go to your court date it's a pretty quick one sided affair and just remember most laws state that the person filing the claim only has to say they are "afraid" of you and they will be granted a DVPO, it's an easy way for a spouse to get back at you for something, in my case refusing to leave the marital home after stbxw moved out and she decided she wanted to move back in the house and wanted me to leave and trying to work out a custody schedule for our daughter.

I was reading over the laws and it turns out that when I told stbxw that I was not going to leave the marital home and SHE had moved out, that under the domestic criminal trespass law I was and still am entitled to stay at the marital home as I still consider it my residence and I did not _voluntarily_ (keyword here since the DVPO forced me out of the home temporarily) leave the home. Since a verbal agreement was made (and is all that is needed under the law) that I was going to stay in the home and she would stay with her grandparents that agreement is STILL binding until family court or a separation agreement in writing to change things is done. I had even told stbxw that I did not want her on the property anymore unless I gave my permission which is very important.

As far as things with my daughter goes, still seeing her on the current schedule when I can make it. This past week has been really rough as I've been very sick and the medicine I was on made me sleepy so I couldn't drive. She has a HORRIBLE heat rash though. Stbxw couldn't even be bothered enough to take her to the doctor to get some medicine for it, so stbxw's grandmother had to take our daughter to the doctor. Her grandmother didn't call me to let me know either or call and ask if I could take her. Stbxw isn't keeping our daughter at night when she gets off work or on the weekends, stbxw's grandmother has her :scratchhead: not that I care what stbxw's is doing, the only thing I care about is when it comes to our daughter's care. Things will be changing soon though.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

This past week has been very hard on me. I've been really depressed and on top of that I've been having dreams where I am back together with stbxw and it's just been really playing hard on me emotionally and mentally. I've been trying to keep going out and doing things to distract myself but it doesn't last long and as soon as I'm back home it just hits me hard again. On top of all this I've had my own family calling me and complaining about me not seeing my daughter this past week but it seems no matter how I try to tell them I just need a little time to get ME back on track again it doesn't matter.

Maybe I am doing the wrong thing by trying to just focus on me for a week or two and to get myself back on track and I should just be focusing on my daughter all the time but that goes against everything my counselor told me. Currently not seeing my counselor as I was doing very good for so long, but maybe it's time to start going back. I don't know, I'm just so confused right now and it seems no one understands that and keeps expecting more and more out of me which in turn adds more stress on me. UGH!

I just feel so confused.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry for the way you're feeling cj and by all means man get back to your counselor.You need someone to talk to about it that doesn't have an axe to grind.Is the divorce in the works and have you moved back into the house yet?


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

TBT said:


> Sorry for the way you're feeling cj and by all means man get back to your counselor.You need someone to talk to about it that doesn't have an axe to grind.Is the divorce in the works and have you moved back into the house yet?


Not in the works as of yet. Not back in the house yet either, with how she lied to get the DVPO and have me kicked out I'm worried she'll try to do it again even though I'll take every precaution and record everything around her just the way the judge treated me the last time has made me feel that it doesn't matter if I have proof I didn't do anything.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Yeah,maybe its best if you stay away from moving back until you're a little firmer on your feet mentally and emotionally.Get back to counseling ,feel better and get a plan together.Right now it sounds like you're in a kind of limbo.If you feel you need some time to work on yourself,at least try to stop in and see your daughter a couple of times a week for now,even if its only for a little bit.Take care and I hope you feel better soon.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through all this. If your daughter's young enough to be in diapers still, she's not going to remember not seeing you for a few days or weeks while you get yourself together, so do focus on you. My dad had cancer when I was 3 and spent I don't even know how long in the hospital. I have one memory of visiting him and one of sleeping in bed with my mom (hugely exciting!), and that's it. Most of my family was apparently convinced he was going to die and there was a lot of crying, but I don't remember any of it. I didn't realize until I was much older how serious it was.

So, yeah. Kids are a combination of resilient, self-centered, and just plain too neurologically immature to form long-term memories. Focus on yourself!

Hugs, too. You'll get through.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

I just got back from visiting my daughter. After writing it all out it really hit me that I was letting the fear of what stbxw might do run how I was feeling.

I hope she won't remember much if any of this, she's just now starting to really get potty trained. I know I can't remember anything from when I was 3-4 years old except maybe one or two brief images. It really, really, really gets to me when I have to leave though because she gets soooo sad and starts crying and saying that she doesn't want me to leave and for me to please stay. It just breaks my heart each and every time

So I went and spent some time with my daughter this evening and it really picked me back up again. Stbxw was there but as soon as I was going inside she left out the side door. I told stbxw's grandma that she didn't have to leave if she didn't want to that the whole no contact order was already expired and over with. Stbxw's grandma then goes oh well we weren't expecting you this evening.

So I told her grandma that since stbxw had left I had planned to talk with her that I'll be moving back in the house in July. Stbxw's grandma just had this deer in headlights look and said you're moving back in the house? I told her yes, someone needs to be here to take care of our daughter.

I don't want to come across as "pushy" I guess would be the term which is why I said July as that gives me time also to get things ready to move back in, and gives her time to decide on what she wants to do, and if she leaves give her a chance to find a place to live.

That's one of the things I love about TAM is just writing things out really helps clear your mind and get you back on track.


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