# My wife cheated. What is your advice?



## Macca123 (Sep 4, 2014)

Hi all. Please give your opinions about this:
I found out about 7 weeks ago now that my wife has cheated on me. I had been concerned about her behaviour and attitude for a few months - e.g. time spent on the internet and being secretive about it and spending much more time going out to town for drinks with girlfriends. She was also chuffed to be in a new job and career. The way she was acting, I felt excluded from part of her life.

The night I found out, we were out shopping and were in a café and we had been bickering: Basically I was fed up and with the changes in her and I suggested that she wouldn’t mind then if I started to go out more – just like she was. Knowing it would wind her up, but without the slightest intention of acting upon it (I was just getting p’ed off and frustrated), I sort of out-loud suggested some female work colleagues I might meet for a drink. I said this because an old work colleague of hers had just texted her to arrange to meet up for a catch-up; and because of my frustrations as above. She appeared a little put out by this but seemed to keep it in. Later at home, she was being secretive on the internet again. I’d had enough: when she went to bed, I stayed up and hacked her Facebook account by requesting a new password (I felt terrible doing this but I was at my wits end).

Well, I found fairly undeniable evidence; part of which was that this same night just before she had gone to bed, she had messaged him asking if he wanted to ‘meet this week’. I confronted her the next day. At first she was denying having an affair and was making excuses for the evidence. She just kept on denying that there was anything in it. I just knew she was lying from her reaction but also was doubting myself – horrible feeling. (In fact, I had been suspicious for a while and had accused her the week before of being secretive on the internet and hiding stuff from me. She denied this; and I felt I was unreasonable, paranoid and like I was going nuts. I apologised and she accepted it! Also, I remember I had openly asked her a few weeks before - for reasons I couldn’t pin down - if she was cheating on me: she said ‘no’.) However, after some hours, she eventually admitted she had been seeing the man I had identified on her Facebook; but only because I threatened to pretend to be her and to private message him to continue were she left off in arranging to meet up with him. By the way, he had replied ‘yes’ to her message. Somewhat strangely, I felt an immediate sense of clarity and relief knowing I was not crazy; but then intense feelings of hurt and disbelief (typified by how could you do this? and why?) as well as actual physical pain kicked in. Although very hurt, I in no way reacted violently or aggressively; I have kept my composure on that score.

She has told me he was an old crush from when she was 19 (she’s now 49) and had friended him through a mutual friend (another girlfriend of old she had met up with again last year). She said that a week after friending him on Facebook, she was out with her friends for a drink. She said she checked her Facebook and he said he was out in town too and they could meet for a drink. She agreed and made excuses to leave her friends (she said she didn’t and has never told them what she was doing). Turns out he had just turned up and hadn’t been out. But she got in the car anyway and things went from there. They discussed how much they had fancied each other all those years ago, drove out somewhere and had sex in the back of his car (starting off unprotected then using a condom). By the way, I was in work on a night shift and our teenage son was staying out on a sleepover. She said she hadn’t planned to have sex that night and that it was more by opportunity; though she admitted that the way they had been chatting on Facebook they both knew where it was heading.

She said that some 7 weeks later (I was on a night shift again; and our son was again out on a sleepover), they arranged to meet again. She was not on a night out this time: she just left the house to meet up with him. They drove out again to the same place and again had sex in the back of his car (she said protected). She then returned home. Obviously, this occasion was planned and she knew what she was going to do. She has sworn that these were the only times they met. She admitted that when she was asking to meet for the third time she would have had sex again if I hadn’t have found out. She also admitted that it probably would have carried on longer if I hadn’t have found out and in which case she would have just been waiting for our marriage to (somehow) come to an end.

The only reasoning she has given is that she had thought I didn’t want her anymore and that our marriage was over. She says she can’t understand why she did it. She hates herself for it. She says he wasn’t even attractive. She’s full of remorse now. She has ‘blocked’ him, hasn’t contacted him and vows never to do so again.

At first, she was expecting me to want a divorce and started talking about it as a given, almost pushing me into it. However, partly because of the shock and not wanting further upset, partly from a desire to keep some sort of control and because I thought it would be way too premature to make a decision, I said I wanted us to stay together and still wanted her. I knew that if we went down the road of talking about divorce, she would be pushy and unreasonable. And I actually do (did?) love my wife.

It’s been difficult because I need time to make a decision properly; whereas she’s the type of person who needs to know the decision here and now. After a few days, we got into an argument talking about it all and she again was pushing for divorce. She turned a bit nasty and was asking me to leave and asking how much I wanted to leave ‘now’. When she’s in this kind of mood she’s difficult to reason with and she pushes and pushes. So, in the end, I had no choice but to go along with it, and I mentioned a ball-park settlement. Well, that was it: I was the worst thing in the world. She was as angry as anything. She said that’s all our son is worth to me and said I would get my money by the end of the day. Later, it all calmed down and she apologised. She said when she gets down about what she has done she wants to punish herself even more and that’s why she reacts that way. This scenario played out a couple more times over the next couple of weeks but stopped. At one point, she said I was getting nothing, not even one of our two cars, and could get out now. Note that nearly all of our resources are in her name. This was mostly for convenience and because I have mostly been employed on temporary contracts. Even so, I have earned good money contributed equally if not more financially during our marriage.

She’s totally turned around now: she back in love with me and wants us to be together forever. She promises she will never cheat or be disloyal to me in any way ever again. She tells me I’m an amazing husband and she can’t believe I still want her; and she says she’s so lucky. Our sex life is back on track the way it was a few years ago and in fact has gone through the roof – but it’s not all healthy from my point of view because thoughts about ‘them’ sometimes drift into my head. From my point of view, this is a bit confusing because I believe I’m no different than before. She’s the one who’s changed and who now decides she wants me; and she’s the one who’s letting us have a good sex life again. I haven’t really pushed this point with her. In fact, I haven’t really had a decent enough explanation.

Whilst I’m wary of ‘holding on to it’, it kind of annoys me that she just wants to forget about it all and not talk about it. I know she struggles with what she did and feels low about it at times. I also still have strong feelings of hurt when I am triggered by something. I just don’t know where my head is at. I want to be with her – she’s my wife after all and I thought we would be married till death do us part – but a part of me says ‘you just can’t put up with that; get a divorce’. I’m afraid that if we divorce I might miss her too much and regret getting divorced. I’m afraid I’ll find it difficult to build a new life – I would basically be ‘out there’ coping on my own. There are also the financial worries.

On the other hand, I’m saying to myself ‘what’s the big deal, it was just a bit of sex and was only short term; get over it and carry on loving your wife and make things better together’.

By the way, she now wants us to have a joint account and make all our resources in joint names to show her commitment; and we have an appointment for this. I am pressuring myself to make a decision. Should I come clean with her that I am undecided and risk her insisting on divorce and me having no resources and having to leave; or should I be a bit sneaky and get the joint account just in case. 

And I do still love her and love being with her when what’s happened isn’t on my mind. I know this probably looks confusing but it’s hard to write all my thoughts. Hopefully you get the picture.

BTW, this feels bizarre posting here and the secrecy from my wife. I'm not entirely happy doing this but I suppose it is a reasonable thing to do in the circumstances.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Paragraphs.

PLEASE.


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Paragraphs.
> 
> PLEASE.


Yes, if you break this up so it doesn't make my brain bleed while reading it, I will be happy to offer my opinion. It's really hard to get through a solid page of run-on.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

:iagree: Yeah. Very hard to follow. I feel really bad for you, brother. To me it feels like she's sort of backed you into a corner and there's no way out. NO EXCUSE for her behavior! Old flame from when she was *19*???!!! She trying to relive her childhood? That fact and other of her actions seem to be indications of a mid-life crisis. I really don't think she knows what the hell she wants. Good luck with this roller coaster ride she's got you on.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

My advice is to do nothing until your emotions calm down, and get yourselves into MC immediately to discuss what you're both REALLY thinking -- clearly you two each have your own thoughts and are not communicating well enough to have clarity between you. And you need to exert some control here... she cheated, but she,s still in charge. That's got to change, and change now. YOU are calling the shots, not her. She needs to know she messed up your marriage, and that all options are on the table while you sort through your feelings on the whole thing. She doesn't get to decide a timeline or rules. She doesn't like your rules, then she can go be with her boytoy, snd you know where the marriage stands.

You need to tackle her infidelity together, have her helping you to heal. She is either with you in this, or she is not. There is no middle ground; there is much work to be done. Right now, it seems you're both rugsweeping it and essentially ignoring it because "it haooened cand it's over". But you've not addressed why she did it, and used that information to inform your decisions. MC can help you do that.

She needs to go complete No Contact with her AP, and show you. You also need complete and full transparency from her -- access to her phone, texts, email, facbook, computer, etc. If you're going to forgive her, you need to know completeky what it is you're forgiving. Right now what you know is what you found, and her version of events. You need to know if there was/is more, snd be watchful and wary. she needs to earn your trust back, not expect it nor bully you into it.

Do you know who her affair partner is? Is he married? If you can, you should expose the affair. And not tell your wife you are doing so.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Macca123 said:


> BTW, this feels bizarre posting here and the secrecy from my wife. I'm not entirely happy doing this but I suppose it is a reasonable thing to do in the circumstances.


Secrecy of what you are doing here? Getting advise? Her secrecy was far worse. 

Seems to be some rug sweeping here. She needs to fully understand what she has done.

You and only you can make the decision to work on it or D. 

BTW, not sure where you live. In my state marital property is 50/50 no matter whos name is on it. She can not force you from a house or car.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Macca123 said:


> ....
> 
> Whilst I’m wary of ‘holding on to it’, it kind of annoys me that she just wants to forget about it all and not talk about it......


That won't work.

It's called rug-sweeping.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon macca123
I think you need to ask yourself a few questions before you decide what you want to do:

Do you know *why* she cheated? Boredom? Curiosity about this guy? Selfishness? Lack of self control? Anger?

If the reasons for the cheating don't go away, it will likely happen again.


Next - how much does it bother YOU. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about cheating. Is it something you can truly forgive, or will you always resent her for it? If you will resent her, then there is no point staying together. 

Do you want an "open" relationship?

Sites like this are OK, but everyone brings their own baggage. You need to decide for yourself.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

The thing is all the assets should be jointly owned anyway. So go ahead with that. Just make sure in the process she's not off loading a bunch of liability on to you that's not backed up with specific assets pledged as collateral. (you don't want to be co-signing on CC debt.)

The part I'd look out for is that she harped on divorce and later changed her mind wanting to become the ideal wife. The risk is she changed her mind because things didn't geehaw with her boyfriend and needs to go back with old reliable, especially at her age. (sorry buts that's life) 

Finally I have to a my belief based on my experience of being associated with a number of dames. When they become interested in another guy it means they've lost interest in you. Additionally, once someone crosses that line, it doesn't make it harder for them to cross that line again after the dust settles.
Remember, they promised to be true to you before.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

"What's the big deal, it was only sex and short term"

That right there will be said over and over the next 2/3/4/5 x she does this if you don't tackle her cheating. She basically got away with it. It was a rush to chat and meet up for sex. You think that goes away?!?! It does not. 

You did everything wrong. You're nicing her out of the affair. 

Understandable, since you probably never thought she would do this but there are countless threads of what you went through here. And the guys who did what you did would gladly post how that went. 

BTW, telling you they used condoms and saying it was only twice is more like they did NOT use condoms and it was more like triple the amount of sexual hookups. Hell, she had the time at night while you were at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Macca123 said:


> At first, she was expecting me to want a divorce and started talking about it as a given, almost pushing me into it.
> 
> I said I wanted us to stay together and still wanted her.


I don't claim to know how your wife thinks; but to me, this is clearly an attempt to manipulate you so that she avoids consequences - and it obviously worked.

Your wife is not truly remorseful, but in part it's because she knows she's in control. If you want to find out how remorseful she is - give her consequences.

- Expose the A to your family and her family. Find out about this OM and expose to his SO.

- Accept nothing less than complete transparency and accountability for her time - from now on.

- Make her get an STD test.

- Make her send a no contact letter to the OM that you approve of.

- *Do not* accept her unwillingness to discuss the A at any time you damn well feel about talking about it.

If she doesn't accept those consequences, if she doesn't demonstrate she is grateful for your gift of a second chance - she is not remorseful. Period. And you would be better served to implement the 180 to detach from her, and start the divorce process. 

If she turns around, completely turns around; before the D is final, you can reconsider.

That's my advice friend. Sorry you're here.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Macca123 said:


> On the other hand, I’m saying to myself ‘what’s the big deal, it was just a bit of sex and was only short term; get over it and carry on loving your wife and make things better together’.


Rug sweeping and minimizing, if you don't address the issues it could happened again. Her current behavior is most likely motivated by fear of losing you and won't last forever.

Also don't be shocked in 6 months from now she goes fishing again for the OM.




> BTW, this feels bizarre posting here and the secrecy from my wife. I'm not entirely happy doing this but I suppose it is a reasonable thing to do in the circumstances.


She was secretly screwing a guy behind your back, all you are doing is asking for advice.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I think she checked around and found out that if there's a divorce, she's going to be losing more then she thought she would so it's better to keep things like they are for her finances and one more thing.

She got off with no consequences for her cheating so in her mind, she can do it again and get away with it.

She said she had protected sex. She cheated on you and lied toy your face so I wouldn't believe her for one second and if your smart, go get tested for STD's 

IMO, your heading down the same path and this whole thing down the road will raise it's ugly head again. 

I wouldn't believe one thing that comes out of her mouth.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Get a lawyer. 

You don't know it yet, but your feelings about reconciliation with her will likely change. It's a process you will go through.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Not talking about it is not an option for R to work. If she won't talk about it, there is more, keep digging. She either breaks and it all comes out or she leaves because she is unable to face the truth. Either way, keep the pressure on until you are satisfied. 

Trust me , I know how hard it is to keep pushing when she is against it. I lived it, and let the topic slide. Huge mistake, don't make it.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Macca123 said:


> Hi all. Please give your opinions about this:
> I found out about 7 weeks ago now that my wife has cheated on me. I had been concerned about her behaviour and attitude for a few months - e.g. time spent on the internet and being secretive about it and spending much more time going out to town for drinks with girlfriends. She was also chuffed to be in a new job and career. The way she was acting, I felt excluded from part of her life.
> 
> 
> ...


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Macca


You are doing some things right and some things wrong.

Not making a major decision on the fate of your marriage while your emotions (and hers) are all over the place is a good idea.

Time is on your side. Use it well.

Get legal advice especially regarding your assets and finances.

Hysterical bonding (look it up on Google) is quite normal in these situations.

But your wife is a liar. Maybe they practiced safe sex maybe not.

If your wife truly loves you and wants to keep the marriage then make her work for it. Give her consequences.

Here are some:
1. She gets tested for STD's and shows you the results.
2. She finds a therapist.
3. She works with that therapist to understand why she lied and cheated on you. Why she thought going out of the marriage was ok?
4. She talks to you about the affair without getting angry at a preset time, place and duration.

That way she does not get embarrassed or angry. ANd neither do you.

If she is willing to do that then you will consider the marriage.

Keep that fact to yourself. For now.

Keep posting.

HM


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Macca123 said:


> On the other hand, I’m saying to myself ‘what’s the big deal, it was just a bit of sex and was only short term; get over it and carry on loving your wife and make things better together’.


at the beginning i thought like you also...now be aware this might come back and hit you like a tsunami of anger and resentment about 6-8 months down the road!! it did to me and I have read its common for this to happen.....dont brush anything off too quickly...no matter how you want to see it the betrayal was a huge insult to your marriage, and your marriage will never be the same.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Get tested for stds
Talk to a lawyer to at least see your options
Do not assume that you are now getting the complete truth from your wife.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You definitely need to do more snooping. She has lied about everything and basically only told you what you know.

Also print this off and read/study this TOGETHER.

*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.
*


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Macca123 said:


> She’s totally turned around now: she back in love with me and wants us to be together forever. She promises she will never cheat or be disloyal to me in any way ever again. She tells me I’m an amazing husband and she can’t believe I still want her; and she says she’s so lucky. Our sex life is back on track the way it was a few years ago and in fact has gone through the roof .


I hope u are right. But it seems awfully quick for her to "totally turn around". I would be pretty darned suspicious for the next 6 months or so...really keep an eye on her. Maybe do a few fake "working late at nights" while I watched the house from a rental car...


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Mecca

You and especially your wife need therapy.. 

If your walking around like everything is right as rain and your wife thinks your marriage is over, then you have problems. If she isn't coming out and saying it. Then SHE has problems. 

This is exactly what my EX wife did..

I walked around like my marriage was good and my ex walked around like it was over. But she NEVER complained.. 

Therapy is going to be a life time thing for you and her. You have to be ready to accept that.. Your wife will need an outlet that she feels is safe to express certain things.. 

But you need to be ready to hear its over once you go to therapy.. It might end up growing her a pair of balls to ask you for a divorce.. 

Or she will lie to the both of you and continue down this path every X amount of years.. Which is what my Ex wife did..

You need to out this man and tell your family and hers.. 

The reason you do that is NOT to punish her. It is to make sure it becomes difficult for them to get back together.. You need to know which one of her friends is a piece of sh!t and looking to help her keep this affair secret. 

My Ex wife coworkers covered for her.. 

You never know this guy might be married or dating/living with someone. 

You outing him will keep him busy as well trying to fix his own situation. This way you have someone watching him as well for you. 

If you don't this affair will go underground. Women are different from men.. fvcking for women is NOT the same as men.. For women, having sex is sealing the deal.. Its not just a fvck thing.. 

My Ex wife left me for a 5' 3" senior citizen.. He can get a senior discount and a high chair in a restaurant. So don't fall for the I don't know why I did it, as he isn't attractive bullsh!t.. She was gonna fvck him a third time and it's only a third time because you haven't figured out the other times yet.. 

Take it from a now dating man.. I'm 47 years old.. Once me and a women decide to fvck and it happens. It then happens a lot more afterward.. Once the initial fvck was over, if we were going out the following week lets say. I would go over to pick her up to go out and we would fvck before going out. Then mess around in the car going home. Then fvck at home some more. 

Honestly I have yet to wait the following week to get laid after getting it once.. And getting laid and having sex today as an adult is not when we were kids.. Its pretty much I want to fvck you.. Lets do this.. There is no 90 days.. 3 dates.. ETC.. 

So PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't fall for this third time bullsh!t..


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Your sex life is back on track and through the roof? Sounds like hysterical bonding. Especially if she doesn't want to address any of the issue head on.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Speaking strictly for myself, if my wife had gone out and screwed another guy in the back seat of his car, there would be no reconciliation. I'd work my way out of this "marriage" as soon as I could, then she could pursue all of her old boyfriends and flames from the past and not have to fvck them in their cars. Good luck to you, my friend. Not sure what she's up to, but she *hasn't* fallen back in love with you. If she had really loved you, she wouldn't be having sex with another man. Probably afraid of being on her own. Just a guess of course.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Macca,

My second piece of advice is to engage in your own thread. You invested a lot of time typing out your original post and you've gotten a lot of good feedback; but it works better when you respond.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Macca123 said:


> Hi all. Please give your opinions about this:
> I found out about 7 weeks ago now that my wife has cheated on me. I had been concerned about her behaviour and attitude for a few months - e.g. time spent on the internet and being secretive about it and spending much more time going out to town for drinks with girlfriends. She was also chuffed to be in a new job and career. The way she was acting, I felt excluded from part of her life. *Appears to me that she decided she no longer wanted to be married and the A may have started around the time her behaviour change occurred. If she had started a PA or an EA the change in behaviour fits.*
> 
> 
> ...


Macca, I'm married to someone that behaves and acts a lot like your WW. My WW tries to be very controlling and practices passive/aggressive behaviour constantly. I think people who are extremely selfish, self-centered and childish are really prone to this type of behaviour. If you and your WW are serious about R then lots of MC and probably IC is needed (especially for your WW). I think you need to do the 180 and go covert on checking on your WW. See if actions match her words.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has she been tested for stds?

Has she given you a timeline and diary of the affair? 

All of her facebook messages?

What would she do if you had the affair? Have you asked her?

Have her make an agreement that she will leave with nothing if she cheats again, and you get custody of the kids.

She is trying to sweep this under the rug. You will not heal this way.

Has she gone to counseling with you? Has she helped expose the affair to the SO of the OM?

What is she really doing for you? She cheated and it will take you a very long time to get past this mess.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Macca
> 
> 
> You are doing some things right and some things wrong.
> ...



Unfortunately, the only way to get control in these situations, is to follow through with strong consequences. Hard to do because everything sort of blows up in both your lives when you give consequences, but so worth it as you get control back. 

Oh, and by the way, there is no way around it, you are only putting the consequences off, not avoiding them all together. Until you give them with real follow through you are only prolonging the day you have to anyway. It gets harder and harder the longer you wait.

The sooner you give them, the sooner you can put this behind you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How old is your son?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

It looks like we might have another "one and done" BS poster her...

Hopefully he doesn't just try to sweep this all under the rug. As we all know too well that he'll just end up tripping over that lump in the rug later on down the line.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

1. Get tested for STDs, and insist that she do the same.

2. Go joint on everything -- home, vehicles, savings and checking accounts, retirement accounts, any investment properties, etc. Do this NOW.

3. You can't have a proper reconciliation if you're not talking about things. MC would be good for the two of you, and perhaps IC as well.

You should probably also consider the possibility that this wasn't your wife's first affair.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> It looks like we might have another "one and done" BS poster here...


I'm noticing more and more "one-timers" lately...


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## Mansman (Dec 27, 2012)

I call troll. How can you request new password without putting in the old password into Facebook.


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## Macca123 (Sep 4, 2014)

Mansman said:


> I call troll. How can you request new password without putting in the old password into Facebook.


No, this is genuine. I will reply when I can. I don't need extra pressure from here. Thanks everyone, really appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mansman said:


> I call troll. How can you request new password without putting in the old password into Facebook.


Just off the top of my head, I'd say that you could probably click the "Need help"/"Forgot password"/whatever-it's-called link. At that point, all you'd probably need is unfettered access to the e-mail account that's linked to the FB account.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

She's trying to rugsweep and you sound like you're trying to go along for the ride. You both need to get out of that mindset. Not talking about what she did and how you feel might work great for her, but this will eat at you for years longer than it should if you keep trying to do what you're both doing. 

Your problem (besides being betrayed) is your wife is basically getting away consequence free. Oh sure she blocked her girlhood fantasy **** on Facebook after she was caught, but she still had her fun at your expense. And she pays for it how? You're not divorcing her. You're trying to rugsweep what she did. No one of consequence from what i could tell (I admit I skimmed some places maybe I'm wrong) knows what she did. All she did was cry, yell, vent her frustrations at you, give some half asses rationalizations and apologies, and then get great make up sex in return.

Your wife is not having to work for her marriage. And after being here for a couple of years, one thing I've noticed is that people who forgive their spouses too quickly are much more likely to get cheated on again by their spouse. Usually with the same person but sometimes someone else down the road.

You need to figure out some consequences for your wife. I'm sure suggestions have already been given.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think your old lady is doing everything to make this blow over and whats scary is she isn't doing a damn thing to affair proof the marriage.

Granted she may feel like crap for what she did.....but maybe...just maybe her feeling of hooking up again may even be stronger....not now but in some time to come.

Having been there done that I know may old went 5 yrs before picking up some new guy.....

So the big question I have is what is your old lady doing to affair proof the marriage for the long haul?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

workindad said:


> Get tested for stds
> Talk to a lawyer to at least see your options
> Do not assume that you are now getting the complete truth from your wife.


:iagree:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mansman said:


> I call troll. How can you request new password without putting in the old password into Facebook.


*Well, do not call troll.*

If you think a post is not genuine, use the report button. don't run around screaming: "Trollllll!" at the top of your voice.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

By the way, Macca, how do you know this was her first outing as a star turn in the infidelity rodeo?


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

Mansman said:


> I call troll. How can you request new password without putting in the old password into Facebook.


Lol - because the entire point of getting a new password, for most people, is because they forgot the old one. All you have to do is know what email address the person used for their Facebook account, and have access to it. Facebook sends you a link to change your password, you click on it, and wa-la.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

your wife carry a condom with her always? Or did the OM brought the Condom first time when they had sex?

Your wife seems to be lying. I dont even believe her two time thing. I think you only saw the tip of the ice berg.

But why she still have the upper hand and you following her like a puppy?

Get tested for STDs, Consult your lawyer and know your options and rights. Everything is in her name never means you wont get anything. You are eligible for 50% of everything.

Take control and she no longer dictates what to do but you do.

180 is your best friend now.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

She is still cheating, it just went underground Mec.

This is a very crafty woman. She knows you and she is turning you every which way but loose.

She probably checked and found out that no matter who name is on the papers, if it was acquired within the marriage, it's marital assets.

But, and pay very close attention to this. DO NOT MOVE OUT !!!
If the house was bought together, no cop can throw you out.
Only a judge can do that.

What you do now is gather evidence and play her game.
BUT, do get the STD tests, just to be safe, and to show her some consequence.

My friend, you have a devious woman on your hands, so you got to take off your blinders and see her in a whole new light.

So take your time, and work thru this smartly.

All the Best.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Macca123 said:


> Hi all. Please give your opinions about this:
> I found out about 7 weeks ago now that my wife has cheated on me. I had been concerned about her behaviour and attitude for a few months - e.g. time spent on the internet and being secretive about it and spending much more time going out to town for drinks with girlfriends. She was also chuffed to be in a new job and career. The way she was acting, I felt excluded from part of her life.
> 
> The night I found out, we were out shopping and were in a café and we had been bickering: Basically I was fed up and with the changes in her and I suggested that she wouldn’t mind then if I started to go out more – just like she was. Knowing it would wind her up, but without the slightest intention of acting upon it (I was just getting p’ed off and frustrated), I sort of out-loud suggested some female work colleagues I might meet for a drink. I said this because an old work colleague of hers had just texted her to arrange to meet up for a catch-up; and because of my frustrations as above. She appeared a little put out by this but seemed to keep it in. Later at home, she was being secretive on the internet again. I’d had enough: when she went to bed, I stayed up and hacked her Facebook account by requesting a new password (I felt terrible doing this but I was at my wits end).
> ...


"What's the big deal? It was *only *a bit of sex.":wtf: You have GOT to be kidding me!  This is your *wife,* the one person in the world who you should be able to trust more than any other, the one who promised to be faithful "forsaking all others," and it's ok that she screwed some jerk in the back of his car because it was only a little bit of sex??? :slap: You just CAN'T be serious!! My God, that's craziest excuse for a betrayal I've ever heard!!! I hope you can make some sense of what that woman has on her mind, because it doesn't seem to me that she has respect for her own husband or her own marriage. Good luck, brother. I think you're going to need all you can get.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't see any accountability on her part---you have allowed her to go right back to her pre A cushy lifestyle

Do you really enjoy, following where another man, who is not you, HAS BEEN

Do you really condone doing things with your so called wife, who is supposed to be yours, and yours alone, while married to you.

Your wife obviously has control of the situation, she backed you down, by out arguing you----she has her lifestyle as it was pre-A---you are just sucking it up, and it seems to be you that is hanging in

Has it dawned on you---ANYWHERE ALONG THE LINE---that another man was inside your wife---made passionate love with your wife---had his lips all over her---she had her lips all over him----has that clicked into your mind---ANYWHERE

The aftermath of this is supposed to be a wife who is being held accountable, who shows great remorse, who has had to suffer SOME CONSEQUENCES---where are they/what are they

If you do not take a hard stand somewhere along the line, and give her some consequences and accountability---as soon as she figures out, she has completely gotten away with her A----SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN----cuz NOW SHE KNOWS HOW YOU WILL REACT TO HER SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER MAN


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

If you do not comprehend what has happened (history) you are likely doomed to repeat it. 

When and how will you break the cycle?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

If this is legit, which I believe is reasonably questioned, I don't see a lot of reason to hope for the marriage or reason for OP to continue with it. 1 son who is in his teens. Correct? Your wife repeatedly had sex in the back of a car with some random from her childhood who isn't even attractive. Awesome. And she comes when called? Turn away and never look back.


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