# I just make all the bad decisions.



## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

*Here's the story.*

I am in my early 30's, my wife is in her late 20's. We have been together for 3 years, we have been married for 7 months.

This is my 2nd marriage, 1st for her. 

Our relationship started great. Dont they all start just like that. I had a new found love for life (I lost 130lbs before I met her) I was very active, took care of my self, and she liked that because she was same. Couple of months into our relationship I proposed, and she said yes, then she moved in with my to my home state. 

First few months were great. Then, I lost my job. Due to my own fault, which she warned me about. Because I lost my job, we were forced to move in with my parents. She wasn't thrilled about it but did not give much grief about it. Needless to say, we lost a lot of privacy there. I struggled to find another job. 
Now, things were starting to get stressful but we held on.

Few months later, my parents lost their jobs and had to foreclose on the house. We decided to move to another state in search of a better life. So we moved, and she bought a house (she had good credit) in her name so my parents could live in it. Me and her rented apt. Things again were good, we had our privacy and we thought we finally made it. 

Then, I got laid of. I found temp work, we tried to manage. 
Then one of my folks got laid off there as well so AGAIN, we had to move in with them, in a now much smaller house, to help out with bills but in the same time to save little money for ourselfs as well. 

This time, we were there for much longer. About a year. I worked night jobs, very hard jobs. I complained a lot about it as well. Stress just made it worse, I started to turn to food and slowly gain weight. In the long run, gain of 50 pounds had impact on everything, from sex life to our social life. It affected everything. 

But she still loved me. She always tried to support me to start losing weight. I would go on and off with it. Start going, then stop. Excuses. In the meantime she always kept in shape. 

Anyways, after a year, we finally had enough of being there me and her moved back to our original home state. All alone. Found jobs, got new place, and now things were finally ready to take off for us right ? Nah..

Problem is, in the past, she always tried to work on our problems. But I lagged behind. I don't know why I always refused or was unwilling to commit to things or to talk about issues when she wanted to talk about. I would always shrug it off, make excuses or just tell her that I dont feel like talking about it. 

Some of the issues she had with (that were brought to light in the midst of this seperation) were as following:

My commitment to losing weight and being active. She said that I "sold" my self falsely to her when she met me, because I told her I was all these things, but later on I did nothing close to them. (Gaining weight, killed the drive I suppose).

Sex. Ironicly, both of us are very sexual people. I don't think I have to explain how that goes once one partner gains whole bunch of weight but the other keeps in shape. She goes to the gym, I sit on the couch watching tv. We never had problems in the beggining bcs both of us kept in shape. Later on as those forementioned things happened and stress came, did things change. 

Finanacily, I'm not very responsible. She had to take care of the bills. We come from different kinds of families. I always leaned on my family for help, she on the other hand always had to work for hers. I'm little bit more materialistic but she's not. Few times I spent money irresponsibly which irrotated her. On few occasions I recieved money from family (small amounts) and did not mention to her. When she found out about it she would tell me that I never ask her if she needs any money, how I have my CC and I dont share with her. Even though we have joint checking accounts, I was always under impression if she needs money, she has debit card, she can always withdraw, why would she tell me that I keep money from her. But I guess she viewed it differently.

She also got hurt couple of times, as we had few minor fights, during the fight time I would refuse to help her with putting together funiture, she would just do it by her self. Not that I didnt want to help her but I was just mad at the situtation and the fact we were fighting. She took that as she had to do everything by herself, why would she need me then. 

I was also not very communicative type. She warned me about it. I always dismissed it. She likes to talk about things, i never did that much other then few words, if the subject does not intrest me. I just could not keep focus. 

Now that I look back onto things, I felt like I was really possesed. I look back onto things that I did and I ask my self what the hell was I thinking. That is not how a man behaves in a marriage. 

But anways...2 months ago, we had fight and she told me to leave. Month before that, we did not speak for a month, I cant even remember why. I know I started sleeping on sofa, she slept in bedroom. The fact that I had tendency to leave my wedding ring in the bathroom after a shower for few days, did not help the situation. She said I took the ring off and started sleeping on sofa. Well, sometimes I would watch tv and just fall asleep on sofa. Usually she would leave the bedroom door open for me, I'd just crawl in next to her. But during the fight, she started closing the bedroom door. I took that as a sign that she didnt want me there. Just got me more mad. So i kept on sleeping sofa. Mornings were just hello, and bye to work, after work she would sit in bedroom and i would sit in front of tv. She would go to gym, I would go to fridge. 

So, after a month, she said leave. I know in the past she had mentioned that she would like to have some time alone and she wished that I had somebody there I could go to just so she could think. Well when she kicked me out, I figured it would be only for few days, no biggie she would call me back, we would talk about it, everything would be ok. 

I felt hurt tho. I got a motel, stayed for a week. No contact. Then I went back into apt. We talked. She said she was done. She said we were not compatible. She said we dont know each other on deeper level, only on surface. She went on to ask me if I even know what her favorite color is. I brought her roses but she made a big stink about it how she dont even like roses. Yes I know she likes orchids. Then she proceeded to tell me all those things I just wrote about. I told her I realized I was at fault and could not explain why I was such a jerk but I see things clearly now. Cant really rememeber how it went down, but I ended up dragging rest of my stuff out of apt as she sat there and watched (i had them packed, hoping id call her bluff). 

So another week or two went by..now i'm starting to try and fix stuff. I'm in motel mind you, I'm all alone, nobody to really talk to. Really depressed. I never found my self in situation like this in life. 

So few times I went over there announced, tried to talk (whenever she would open the door for me and let me in). At first, she said she needed space. She said she dosent feel the same anymore, and if after a while she realized all of this was just her anger, she would look for me, fight for me. Ok I said, left my keyes there and walked out.

Then I started emailing her, texting, calling, and in genereal try and make her feel guilty about what she was doing to us. Why would she just marry me only few months ago ?

So again, I would stage my rage, my crying, threaten to kill my self, and just about everything in between I did, just to have her take me back and give us a another shot. I begged, I pleaded. She told me to stop begging and pleading. 

More time passed by, more emails, she would respond , i wouldnt like the answer, that just made things worse.

She kept on insisting why am i trying now when when she wanted to work on things i refused. She said she reached the point of no return which she did warn me about long time ago.

She said she is not in love with me anymore. She says she has deep rooted issues she has to work on. I kept on insisting I can be a better man if she would just give us another shot. She didnt want to hear it. Keeps saying she dosent want to change me, wouldnt be fair, how I need to be with someone who will like me the way I am.



So lately, things got little more civil and calm. I visited her the other day, she had surgery, I came over announced (after I sent her nasty email saying how she made me feel worthless and how she should erase me from her life). I brought her flowers and things, she invited me in. We talked for little bit, but I could not help but feel that she would only try and remain friends. She says shes done with everything. I kissed her but she never returned the kiss back.

I calmed down little bit, now I'm trying just to be her friend. We talked about possibilty of being roomates, bcs that would help her financily. She implied that she does not want me there if all Im doing is trying to show her i can be a better man and to have her love me again. Strictly roomates. I told her I would just be happy to see her. I know how ridicilous that sounds. I love this woman to death. How can I be in our apt, just as her roomate ? 

We just left it at that. 

She said I need to take time for my self, work on my self. She says I'm lost, I dont know who I am. She wants to travel, and just find her inner peace. She said she wants to be alone.
She didnt really push for signing of divorce papers, but has said eventually that will have to happen. 

She said shes not dating anyone.

After that last conversation, I left. I always tell her that I will always love her and she could turn to me for any help. She said she appreciates that, thanks me, closes the door.

I helped her out with some of the bills since some of our stuff is still in my name but is tied to the apt. 

She thanked me but said I dont have to do that.

Im staying at friends house. I didnt want to get my own place, I was always hoping she would take me back, didnt want to spend money on furniture and lease canceletions.

She knows where Im at. She says I need to move outta there, stand on my own.

So we havent spoken since then. Been all..2 days. I know she talks to her friends, I dont know how much influence they have on her. 

So thats the story.

I realized where I was wrong. I know what I should have done and how I should have acted. I just wish she would give me a chance to prove it to her I can be the man she wants. 
But as I see, that wont happen. At least not according to her.

I really love this woman. She is my life. After all, we did tatoo each other names on ourselfs. Everybody that knows us is in shock. She said she is in shock too that she feels the way she does. She says she wishes she could feel differently but cant go against her feelings.

So thats the story. I hope I made sense I tried to put as much detail in there as I could with proper timeline.

My bday is in 2 weeks. She suggested we could go for drinks. She did not invite me for NYS as I know she is going out with some of our friends. Looks like alone night for me.

Pretty soon, I'll have to get my own place as I see, nothing will change here anytime soon.

What are your thoughts on all of this ?

How should I proceed ?

I really belived in this marriage, even tho to her that sounds like BS bcs she keeps judging me the way I was.

And few times during our fights while I was angry I said i did not care if we get divorced. She keeps shoving that up my nose now. I keep telling her I was just angry, people say things they dont mean when they are angry.

Its tough. Its hard. I'm exhausted, shes exhausted from all of my craziness over the last 2 months. 

Help guys.

Thank you.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, it's impossible to know how to answer this because we don't know what you did. But in the general sense....

A couple can get over anything if that is their goal and they both choose to work at it.

If one of them does not want to work at it. The marriage is toast.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

I will try and write the whole story here, shortly..


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Begging and pleading the walk-away to stay, usually pushes them further out the door.

It's best to let them go, and work on yourself.


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

I did the same thing Wolf, you're not alone and I can tell you as of now after all the begging, pleading, and everything else she hasn't given any indication of wanting to fix our marriage.

Still that small thread of hope, but it takes two people to work on a marriage where as my wife says she is done, wants a divorce, and doesn't want to fix it while I am willing to do anything to fix it.

Can't fix it alone though, she's either in or the marriage is out


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

StephenG said:


> I did the same thing Wolf, you're not alone and I can tell you as of now after all the begging, pleading, and everything else she hasn't given any indication of wanting to fix our marriage.
> 
> Still that small thread of hope, but it takes two people to work on a marriage where as my wife says she is done, wants a divorce, and doesn't want to fix it while I am willing to do anything to fix it.
> 
> Can't fix it alone though, she's either in or the marriage is out


I hear you. I would do anything and go to any distance to make it right and have her back in my life, but it seems its just too little too late. Hope is still there. Maybe bcs its still fresh and there is a lot of love left in me for this woman.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

You need to work on YOU.

You're cutting yourself?

Get into counseling.


You do not need to be her roommate, because that will do nothing but exacerbate your codependency.

Read up on the 180 and implement it.


It seems like she put up with your antics long enough, and got tired of it, but she's clearly feeling guilty about her decision.

Based on the information you provided, I can't say I blame her for wanting out, but you obviously feel the same.

Respect her wishes and go dark.

Give her time to think, and use that time to find yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What ever love you have left for this women focus it on your self. Chicks dig confident men. Chicks dig new guys. So reinvent your self and work on you own attraction level towards all women. Then and maybe then your chick will start to second guess her choices. Maybe then she will think twice in what she is about to lose and the man she once loved is gone, moving on and finding someone else that values you.
Its funny but as things move forward and you find someone else exs seem to come around. Why is that...well it cuz our chicks don't find us attractive until some other chick finds us attractive and then and only then they see there power over us gone.

Phuck this bull crap power struggle and smile and wish her well move on and start giving her a taste of things to come....you'll know your gaining ground when they start to pull the "lets be friends crap" then you know the shift in power is working in your favor.

My point is work on your self for your self and let her start doing the chasing, until then she will always have the control and have your number...knowing you will always be there for when she wants you.

Giving her the perception that you are letting her go is your best bet. Even if you have to fake it to make it, you will be better served by letting her go. IF she comes back then great if not then you are well on your way to share your self with someone that will appreciate you.

Get it? This now has to be about you, it will then be up to her to catch up with you if she wants to keep you.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

Yes I understood that she did put up with a lot. And she did a lot for me and my family. I can't explain why I didn't have my eyes open then like I do now. Is it always when one pulls away the other starts seeing things the way they should have ?

The cuts were nothing serious, it was a in one moment of great depression, that has stopped. As I said, I calmed down little bit.

How would you know if she's feeling guilty about it ?
I cant really tell. Shes does not make contact with me other then if need be to handle any bills we have together.

She does not hate me. Says she dosent want to resent me. As she started that in our marriage, thats why she drew the line.

I understand there are things I need to work on my own, on my self. I'm getting there. Just cant kill this hope in me.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

begging and pleading doesn't work. the only thing that does is actively not trying to shoot yourself in the foot.

your wife sounds young and insecure; and like many... you let yourself go. neither of those things separately is good for a sound relationship.

sorry you're here. you have a lot of decisions about who and how you want to be in life. when you get that down you'll know the next step.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

the guy said:


> What ever love you have left for this women focus it on your self. Chicks dig confident men. Chicks dig new guys. So reinvent your self and work on you own attraction level towards all women. Then and maybe then your chick will start to second guess her choices. Maybe then she will think twice in what she is about to lose and the man she once loved is gone, moving on and founding someone else that values you.
> Its funny but as things move forward and you find someone else exs seem to come around. Why is that...well it cuz our chicks don't find us attractive until some other chick finds us attractive and then and only then they see there power over us gone.
> 
> Phuck this bull crap power struggle and smile and wish her well move on and start giving her a taste of things to come....you'll know your gaining ground when they start to pull the "lets be friends crap" then you know the shift in power is working in your favor.
> ...


Thank you for that wonderful reply. In a sense I understand that and know. I think out of guiltiness of how I was and how good she was I"m trying so desperatly to hold on. I know I messed up. Although lately she has been insisting its not me its her i didnt do nothing wrong. I dont understand. A lot of mixed things from her, depending on how much I stress her. But yes, I'm tired of being on my knees. I understand I was wrong, but hell, I didnt do anything that bad to warrant the divorce. She said she was unhappy and bored. As to say I never did anything with her. Kinda keeps just seeing me in negative way. As if she cant remember the good times. I asked her, why the heck would you marry me only few months ago. She said she thought things would change, but she dosent want me to change. Pffff. man oh man.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> begging and pleading doesn't work. the only thing that does is actively not trying to shoot yourself in the foot.
> 
> your wife sounds young and insecure; and like many... you let yourself go. neither of those things separately is good for a sound relationship.
> 
> sorry you're here. you have a lot of decisions about who and how you want to be in life. when you get that down you'll know the next step.


I shot my self in the foot bcs I tried to force it back toghether. I didnt know any other way, I thought my way was the way things are done, how you fight. Never really had anyone ask me for space before. I thought longer we are apart the more apart she will grow. All i did is just push her away more. And she kept on telling me to stop bcs thats what Im doing. But its so hard when you constantly think about this day after day. Messes with your mind, with everything. I do have things I need to work on, find out more things about my self. I guess when you are loosing something natural instinct is to hold on tighter.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolfy82 said:


> Yes I understood that she did put up with a lot. And she did a lot for me and my family. I can't explain why I didn't have my eyes open then like I do now. Is it always when one pulls away the other starts seeing things the way they should have ?


"You don't realize what you had, until it's gone."




Wolfy82 said:


> How would you know if she's feeling guilty about it ?
> I cant really tell. Shes does not make contact with me other then if need be to handle any bills we have together.


She suggested birthday drinks, yeah?

I did the same thing.

Not because I wanted my husband back, but because I felt bad about my decision to be done with him.

My point is, you wouldn't want reconciliation derived from guilt.

Regardless, though, her feelings are irrelevant.

As you stated, you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

When you lost 130 pounds, before, what was the driving force behind that?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

It is a natural instinct isn't it? To hold on tighter...I had to do that daily just to keep my husband from walking out at every little fight or disagreement. I hated that. 
But I know what you mean.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I would be careful with the possibility of becoming room mates. 

I would not go get drinks with her on your birthday.

I would take the time to get yourself back on track, for yourself. She fell in love with the active you, fell out of love with the current you. My story was very similar. I'm still not back on track, but am dealing with not being with her a little better each day. The person leaving has already had time to let go of the relationship. you guys are at different stages of grieving the loss. Work on yourself and let time tell you what to do.

I would start talking to a counselor too. It has helped me sort out the thoughts I have. Gives you something to look forward too as well, each week. It's a safe place that should only have your success as it's goal.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> "You don't realize what you had, until it's gone."
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well, 1 week ago, we fought on emails and phone. Then after long frustrating conversation she said I could come over, she only wanted to see me for 30 min no longer (I guess she sensed I just wanted to comfort her bcs her family was getting on her case). I went over there, stayed for 2 hrs. Sat on sofa, kinda hugged her a bit..she hugged me a bit. Then she said it feels "akward". So i said would it be ok if we spent time for my bday. She said ok maybe drinks. So I guess I was the one suggesting. 

Week after that, 2 days ago is when I was over there again (i popped up announced) is when we talked about being roomates.

She says she wishes she could take my pain away, and shes in shock that she feels the way she does.

So i dont know how much she regrets it. She dosent make attempt nor has ever to contact me first. She usually would just respond to my emails but has asked me to stop that as it was creating a lot of stress.

Driving force behind weight loss..I figured at 335 lbs I had no chance for any kind of social life. So i lost it, social life improved drasticly and thats how I met her.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

N8vee said:


> I would be careful with the possibility of becoming room mates.
> 
> I would not go get drinks with her on your birthday.
> 
> ...


Yeah I honestly dont see us being roomates. I sort of tried to play the "friend only" part, but no way, too many feelings here. 
I'm just trying to understand how she can feel this way. How can she be ok with that. I guess Im just still in shock that I feel this way and she dosent.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

Wolfy82 said:


> Well, 1 week ago, we fought on emails and phone. Then after long frustrating conversation she said I could come over, she only wanted to see me for 30 min no longer (I guess she sensed I just wanted to comfort her bcs her family was getting on her case). I went over there, stayed for 2 hrs. Sat on sofa, kinda hugged her a bit..she hugged me a bit. Then she said it feels "akward". So i said would it be ok if we spent time for my bday. She said ok maybe drinks. So I guess I was the one suggesting.
> 
> Week after that, 2 days ago is when I was over there again (i popped up announced) is when we talked about being roomates.
> 
> ...


And she did say that it wouldnt be right if she took me back just bcs of pitty, it wouldnt be fair to both of us.

To me she sounds like mind is firmly made up. Although she remains friends on social media with my family and I still have contact with her family. I see all of our pics are still up, but that could be just bcs she dosent have access to comp at the moment. Very confusing and very clear at times. I think I'm just the one not catching up with this decision or I refuse to believe it.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolfy82 said:


> And she did say that it wouldnt be right if she took me back just bcs of pitty, it wouldnt be fair to both of us.
> 
> To me she sounds like mind is firmly made up. Although she remains friends on social media with my family and I still have contact with her family. I see all of our pics are still up, but that could be just bcs she dosent have access to comp at the moment. Very confusing and very clear at times. I think I'm just the one not catching up with this decision or I refuse to believe it.


Denial is a natural part of the grieving process.

We all experience it.

She's not being very clear, either, so that doesn't help.

It would likely be in your best interest to decline the roommate proposition, in addition to any future invitations, regardless of who initiates.

IC is crucial to healing properly, and the 180 will expedite healing.

What are you doing to keep yourself busy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You've received good advice so far. Working on yourself is the only thing you can do right now so focus on that.

You cannot make her change or do anything. The only thing you can do is to change the way you interact with her. You do that by improving yourself.

When you see her do not bring up the emotional topics of your relationship. Let those go for a while. Let both of you heal and find yourselves. Your relationship has been through a lot of hard times. Most would not survive that.

I think that a lot of the reason that you did not do what was necessary to keep your relationship strong is because, you, like a lot of people have no idea what is necessary for this. I would be surprised if she did what was necessary either.

Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. This can be part of your self improvement... learning how to have a strong relationsihp. Whether you get back with your wife or not, this will be invaluable information.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Denial is a natural part of the grieving process.
> 
> We all experience it.
> 
> ...


Well she did say its over and shes done. I really have not done anything to keep busy , i kept thinking about this and try to fix it. She even asked me the other day when i was there what am i doing. I even wrote her card stating ahe will always have a spot in my heart. Have i relinquished all the power to her? I mean i know i lost my man card the day i begged her. I just dont know anymore. So i should kil all the contact and refuse any invites if there are any? Problem is the house where my folks live is in her name so eventually ill have to talk to her at some point to resolve that. But yea have not done anything for myself but stress myself over this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You've received good advice so far. Working on yourself is the only thing you can do right now so focus on that.
> 
> You cannot make her change or do anything. The only thing you can do is to change the way you interact with her. You do that by improving yourself.
> 
> ...


I tried to point that out to her, that we didnt exectly have a fair start, with mostly trying to help my folks, relocations, job losses. I think she just got tired always living on a zero so do speak.

But, why not build on this, together. Why not make this a cemented foundation we build our marriage on, grow stronger from it. At least thats how I feel. When I suggested this, she asked me since did I become expert on marriages. Anger talking there ? I dont know. I will check out the links. Thank you. I have received a lot of good advice. Although she did tell me as well I need to find my self and she needs to work on herself. She used to say lets not rush into anything, but then later on she's definetly done with it. I dont understand.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop looking at this in "her taking you back" but look at it as taking your self back.

21+ years ago your chcik fell in love with you...you need to find that guy! Granted it will always be up to her to find that love but my point is focus on your self and see what happens.

Just to give you an idea were I'm coming from; after 22 years of marriage and two adult kids, I have been there and back.
back in the day when my chick started sleeping around and I started slapping her around and the kids started getting sideways, I had a choice....and that choice was to change ...no fix my self before I could fix anything else ie. kids and marriage. so please understand how sincer I am with working on your self first.

Its just like being in a airplane crash, you have to put the oxygen mask on first, then you can take care of your loved ones.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

the guy said:


> Stop looking at this in "her taking you back" but look at it as taking your self back.
> 
> 21+ years ago your chcik fell in love with you...you need to find that guy! Granted it will always be up to her to find that love but my point is focus on your self and see what happens.
> 
> ...


I fully understand that, and I do intend doing everything to improve my self. I understand that I can't live like this forever, it's really stressful and in general not healthy. Maybe because I really do love her + I felt guilty for driving us to this point in a way that I tried all the lunatic ways of bringing us back together. But I can't be selfish. God knows I've been accused of that too. I got a lot of good advice and it seems very simple. Don't try to get her back, work on yourself, and the rest will take care of itself ? 

By the way I just love how you word some of your stuff :smthumbup:


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm assuming I should just remove all the photos from social media. No sense of them being up there, esp. wedding photos.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

why should you remove any pics? your not the one wanting out!
Tell your old lady to remove them from her page....wait i regress she probalbly already did so her new boy friend doesn;t get jealous.

You still need to go James Bond on her butt and see why she is making these choices and not working on the marriage. There still is an out side influence here that may be infecting the marriage IMHO.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

the guy said:


> Stop looking at this in "her taking you back" but look at it as taking your self back.
> 
> 21+ years ago your chcik fell in love with you...you need to find that guy! Granted it will always be up to her to find that love but my point is focus on your self and see what happens.
> 
> ...


I like this.. I think about how hard it is sometimes to just get out of bed and go to work...and yet I do have a great dane and a little old poodle...a parrot...and a cat...my pets...they still depend on me. I 'need' my job for them...and my home...so I do need to get my crap together. I love my pets although lately I haven't been showing it much. 
But I like this analogy...I'm going to be keeping this one with me daily. 
Don't mean to hijack...but it really hit home...needed it...thank you guy.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@ Stella, Your welcome.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wolfy82 said:


> By the way I just love how you word some of your stuff :smthumbup:


Is it my spelling! :rofl:


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

Wolfy82 said:


> Yes I understood that she did put up with a lot. And she did a lot for me and my family. I can't explain why I didn't have my eyes open then like I do now. Is it always when one pulls away the other starts seeing things the way they should have ?


Yep,
Exactly what happened to me, and it's a pity that we learn so late, have we have seen, realized, acknowledged, and understood all the problems before and began to fix them as the problems opened we would not be here right now.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

the guy said:


> why should you remove any pics? your not the one wanting out!
> Tell your old lady to remove them from her page....wait i regress she probalbly already did so her new boy friend doesn;t get jealous.
> 
> You still need to go James Bond on her butt and see why she is making these choices and not working on the marriage. There still is an out side influence here that may be infecting the marriage IMHO.







Nope, she did not remove hers yet. I really doubt that there is someone else. I think its more single girlfriends giving bad advice , maybe. I really dont know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

the guy said:


> why should you remove any pics? your not the one wanting out!
> Tell your old lady to remove them from her page....wait i regress she probalbly already did so her new boy friend doesn;t get jealous.
> 
> You still need to go James Bond on her butt and see why she is making these choices and not working on the marriage. There still is an out side influence here that may be infecting the marriage IMHO.


It seems like she tried to work on the marriage incessantly, while he refused to do so (his words).

I think she got sick and tired of being sick and tired.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I have to agree, HK. I thought it was very telling that she said she felt you had sold yourself as someone you were not, and she very well could have been talking about more than your weight and fitness level. 

I don't think there's any reason to automatically assume there's anyone else. She may just be at the point where she feels she's been pulling the load in the relationship for too long. You have used things like suicide threats to try to get her back -- of course she's soft-pedaling what she's telling you. She's trying not to set you off. But her message actually seems very consistent.

You mention that this is your second marriage. What happened in the first one? It may be helpful to see if there are any similarities.

It's time to give her the space she wants and let her go. She may just have had enough. You can't just blame this break-up on her -- sounds like she did try to work on things while you admit you did not. Work on you. Figure out why you were the kind of spouse you were. Ask yourself the tough questions (I would agree with the suggestion of IC), and do it to work on you, not to prove anything to her. 

I'm sorry if this comes off harsh, but your own story as you wrote it probably answers a lot of your own questions as to why this happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I have to agree, HK. I thought it was very telling that she said she felt you had sold yourself as someone you were not, and she very well could have been talking about more than your weight and fitness level.
> 
> I don't think there's any reason to automatically assume there's anyone else. She may just be at the point where she feels she's been pulling the load in the relationship for too long. You have used things like suicide threats to try to get her back -- of course she's soft-pedaling what she's telling you. She's trying not to set you off. But her message actually seems very consistent.
> 
> ...


No you were not harsh, thank you for your reply. I do not blame her, have even told her. For whatever reason, I could not explain my behavior. But I guess no explenation is really needed when someone is already fed up. 

First marriage is where I was unhappy, and left it. They are two very different people. I wasnt happy bcs of number of reasons, did not see change so I made a change.

Kinda of ironic when I think about it, as now it's happening to me.

I just wondered..why this wouldnt be something to build off on. I realized my mistakes. How can love be extinguished so quickly. Somethings I struggle to understand.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolfy82 said:


> I just wondered..why this wouldnt be something to build off on. I realized my mistakes. How can love be extinguished so quickly. Somethings I struggle to understand.


Wasn't your love, for your first wife, extinguished "quickly", when you determined it wasn't working?

I'm not making light of your situation.

I know how hard it is to comprehend.

But, you have admittedly been in your current wifes' shoes, yeah?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Our situations may have differences but some things ring true. I 100% believe my wifes love for me was real but I have serious issues I had buried that only came to light later. She fell in love and married the real me but then this 'other guy' (not OM but the depressed version of me) came along and over time made her forget that.

It took the separation bombshell for me to wake up and dealing with this is new to me but it isn't to her. She has been trying to decide and coming to terms with her choice for a good while. Don't fool yourself into believing she has made a rash decision. She has probably taken a great deal of thought over it.

As to building on the realisation? Amen to that, its like you read my thoughts. Why can't we rebuild, from the foundations up if need be? You know what, she has been trying to wake me up to reality and been working on things for a long time without anything in return. I like to keep hope we can rekindle something so don't take this as a there is no hope post but... it will take a damn site more than "oh i see the problem now" words to fix anything. In my case I suspect too much damage is done no matter what I do for myself, I don't know about yours. What I do think though is; all you can do is be walking talking proof of the change you say you have realised is needed and hope she see's that one day.

That doesn't mean smothering her, it means sorting your own **** out. That could lead to better things with her but you know what. If it doesn't, it will lead to better things with yourself and that can only be a good thing.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Wasn't your love, for your first wife, extinguished "quickly", when you determined it wasn't working?
> 
> I'm not making light of your situation.
> 
> ...


Well first marriage, at least for me it was a (or felt shortly after) like a mistake. We were more of a good friends then lovers. She didn't mind me balooning up in weight and I didn't like many things about her. I felt like only way to change my life and better my self was to break free from it bcs had I stayed in that marriage I don't know if I would be talking to you today. So in a sense, yes I have been in her shoes.

I just don't think , or rather I dont feel like the things that I did in this marriage really warrant the divorce. I belive there are were more positives then negatives, and most people that really know us would agree. 

I guess it's just hard to hear some things. Some of the things she said was "i gotten to know you over the years and from what I know, I wouldnt date you" in refference to my question if we could start out slow with baby steps. Then she followed with she needs somebody who takes charge, pushes her, etc. 

So I realized I got very, very comfortable. She did ask me did I think just bcs she was there that she would not ever leave me everything she threatened she would if some things did not change. I said yes, in a way I did feel little like that.

So in reality, I really have no blame for her. She's a great woman, I'm just retard who's light bulb turned on way, way too late. Maybe all of this would have been easier if I didnt love her so much.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Our situations may have differences but some things ring true. I 100% believe my wifes love for me was real but I have serious issues I had buried that only came to light later. She fell in love and married the real me but then this 'other guy' (not OM but the depressed version of me) came along and over time made her forget that.
> 
> It took the separation bombshell for me to wake up and dealing with this is new to me but it isn't to her. She has been trying to decide and coming to terms with her choice for a good while. Don't fool yourself into believing she has made a rash decision. She has probably taken a great deal of thought over it.
> 
> ...


She did say that I need to "find my self". I dont think Im ready for that yet so I keep questioning, what the heck is so wrong with me. Especially when she would say "oh its not you, it's me" Well damn, which one is it then ? Was it me, my behavior, the fact I didnt do some things on time, or is it just her, not being happy.

She said "i know if i took you back, and you lost weight, I would just find something else to be unhappy about with you". I mean good god.. Wish she would just tell me straight up its you. 

This way she dabs little bit into its me, then no its not me, its just her and her issues, then back to i'm not the right man for her, then back to this...all over the place.

The other day I was watching TV, they interviewed this old couple that have been togheter 65 years. They asked them what does it take to stay that long together, since in todays day and age, its normal to go thru 3-4 marriages bcs everyone knows they can be independent, nobody wants to put up with anything. Anyways, when they asked this elderly woman whats the secret to 65 years together, she said 'we were born in the times where, when something was broken we would rather fix it, then just plain discard it".


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

It really has nothing to do with how much you love her, but, instead, how little you love yourself.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> It really has nothing to do with how much you love her, but, instead, how little you love yourself.


Elaborate please, I'd like to hear it from womans perspective.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolfy82 said:


> Elaborate please, I'd like to hear it from womans perspective.


It's clear your self worth is nearly nonexistent.

The little that remains doesn't even belong to you.

It's all wrapped up in your wife.

Your focus is entirely on her.

So much, in fact, that you've resorted to begging, pleading and attempts to harm yourself.

Your actions before the separation speak volumes, but just look at the ones since then.

Think about it. Like, really consider it.

Do you love yourself?


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> It's clear your self worth is nearly nonexistent.
> 
> The little that remains doesn't even belong to you.
> 
> ...


I never really looked at it like that. But you are 100% correct.

At this moment, I don't. Maybe because I'm blaming my self for being a sole reason of killing my happiness (pushing her to this, not doing enough). But then again..Ok I see where this is going..why would I always need someone to make my self happy. I get it.

So, this, pitty on my self, the things I was doing, in my head I though she would some of the stuff see as I'm fighting for relationship..but I guess its just the opposite..its a turn of for her.

As matter of fact, couple of days ago she told me she dosent like the fact that I'm so weak at these things.

You know when I speak to someone else, like yourself and I answer these questions I realize, she answered a lot of them too me, but once again..selfish, not listening, its all about me. 

Hm..


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolfy82 said:


> I never really looked at it like that. But you are 100% correct.
> 
> At this moment, I don't. Maybe because I'm blaming my self for being a sole reason of killing my happiness (pushing her to this, not doing enough). But then again..Ok I see where this is going..why would I always need someone to make my self happy. I get it.
> 
> ...


It's difficult for a codependent to accept reality.

Are you in IC?


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> It's difficult for a codependent to accept reality.
> 
> Are you in IC?


It goes back to my upbringing and overly protective mother who herself came from broken home, and never wanted to see her kids go thru same, so she did everything, even when it wasnt asked. I realized that very late in life, but its seems to be catching up with me now that I'm grown and deal with other people in my life.

Anyways, I'm sorry but what is IC ?


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolfy82 said:


> It goes back to my upbringing and overly protective mother who herself came from broken home, and never wanted to see her kids go thru same, so she did everything, even when it wasnt asked. I realized that very late in life, but its seems to be catching up with me now that I'm grown and deal with other people in my life.
> 
> Anyways, I'm sorry but what is IC ?


Individual counseling.

I'm the product of a troubled childhood, too.

Counseling will help you put that into perspective, and control the reactions that result from it.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Individual counseling.
> 
> I'm the product of a troubled childhood, too.
> 
> Counseling will help you put that into perspective, and control the reactions that result from it.


I will definitely seek IC help. 

I do thank you for being so helpful, you did put some things in perspective for me, along with others that responded. Thank you.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolfy82 said:


> I will definitely seek IC help.
> 
> I do thank you for being so helpful, you did put some things in perspective for me, along with others that responded. Thank you.


Just a couple of suggestions:

1. Seek a counselor that specializes in Internal Family Systems.

2. Go twice a week, every week, to begin.

3. Read up on the 180 and implement it into your daily life.

4. Post here, instead of venting to your wife. We care about you and your progress.


You're not unlike any of the rest of us, here.

Focus on healing yourself, and not your marriage.

Everything else will take care of itself.

Best wishes, dear.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

As I'm sitting over here and reading different stories on this web site, what do you guys think about divorce and should I be the one to initiate it first or just wait for her. I have told her we should hold off, but she said eventually it would have to happen. Just wanted to get your thoughts on this ?


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Wolfy82 said:


> It goes back to my upbringing and overly protective mother who herself came from broken home, and never wanted to see her kids go thru same, so she did everything, even when it wasnt asked. I realized that very late in life, but its seems to be catching up with me now that I'm grown and deal with other people in my life.


you are so ripe for Men's Work it's crazy. look up Wayne Levine. He does online sessions. He's got a few dozen short videos on youtube and a book that a lot of dudes here read. It's similar but not the same as No More Mister Nice Guy.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> you are so ripe for Men's Work it's crazy. look up Wayne Levine. He does online sessions. He's got a few dozen short videos on youtube and a book that a lot of dudes here read. It's similar but not the same as No More Mister Nice Guy.


I read on different post that you recomended Awarness by De Mello to someone else, so I started looking into that. Should I check out Levine first ?

And quick question...I bought some gifts for her nieces, they are just kids, I'm still good with her family..to send the gifts or not to send the gifts ? I bought the gifts before I got on this board, but since ive been talking here and reading different stuff..dosent seem like a good idea. ?


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Just a couple of suggestions:
> 
> 
> 4. Post here, instead of venting to your wife. We care about you and your progress.
> ...


I have been doing that for the last 2 days and honestly I can say, it helps. Keeps my mind off of it after work, and I'm getting much needed help from all of you. I only wish I found this forum the moment she kicked me out. Or yet, when the troubles kicked in long time ago.

You guys are like a therapist for me. And I dont have to pay


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

gifts... either way. it's new it's soon... kids don't understand. so long as you aren't expecting anything and just being nice you can send the gifts. but nobody's going to fault you for drawing a line.

Levine will talk about how you're in a broken condition because of the way society has moved in recent times and how gender expectations and needs are out of whack. De Mello will hit you with abstract Buddhist magic. They are different tools to help you. So not so much either/or. Do both. In whatever order you need it the most.

The Levine youtube stuff will be like popcorn, so it might be the quickest way in. 

In general, i advocate you sail through the links in my sig.


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