# Question For Those Who GIVE The Silent Treatment



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

I see a lot of posts on TAM from those who are on the receiving end of The Silent Treatment but few from those who have been the ones who initiate it. I'm in the midst of being on the receiving end it right now (the sixth time in about as many months). I am curious about a few things and want to learn from you--not to judge you:

-What trigger(s) causes you to start using the Silent Treatment?

-If you are not one to avoid conflict, why did you chose the Silent Treatment over either talking things out or just saying we need to talk but, I need some time?

-If this was due to an argument, have you agreed with what the other party said but still felt you needed The Silent Treatment?

-How do you feel when you are in the midst of it? 

-When do you decide it's time to end it?

- Do you think using The Silent Treatment helped you to resolve the conflict?

-Suggestions for recipients of The Silent Treatment ?


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

All right, I'll stick my neck out and be the first to admit using it. More times than I like to admit, but haven't given the silent treatment in over 15 yrs with a previous relationship. My stbxh does this for days on end, even weeks, and I see it is very immature. Period. So I vowed to never use this reaction again.

Trigger - always a discussion that goes sour - partner unwilling to discuss, communication problems. At the first derogatory comment to me, I would think to myself how futile it was to try communicating. I have only done it with people who shut me down by calling me ignorant or refusing to listen. Frustration was the cause 100% of the time. It's a "screw you, not worth my time" attitude.

In the midst - I felt sulky, frustrated, or disgusted. 

Time to end it - Usually I needed the silent mode for time to collect my thoughts and think of ways to restate my point of view for a new discussion. After mulling over a few scenarios in my head, I was ready to try talking again.

Now, I don't play the battle of wills and call down the bs to request a mature conversation. Force to talk to me like an adult, not a child.

Resolve - Silent treatment is never effective at resolving the conflict. I believe it adds to a conflict. I'm not the passive person I once was and now, if I am overwhelmed by disagreement, I redirect the conversation and assert a time out is needed to think it out.

Suggestions - Make the first move. Realize it's ok to show vulnerability and don't allow pride to get in the way of correcting things.

Take control without accusations. Make a statement that this isn't going to solve anything and need to end it - now. Then move on and ask a direct, pertinent question about the root of the problem.

I may need to rethink this a bit. My thoughts are jumbled. Good food for thought to give me ideas how to nip it in the bud.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Almost always, it was triggered by the discussion taking a turn I didn't expect. Then, I couldn't reason my feelings and think on my feet. I would take one or two days sometimes to finally get the aha moment and realize what really was bothering me. I was afraid of talking too soon before having it completely reasoned out in my mind.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

My H has said that I use the silent treatment, but I don't see it that way.

What I see it as is not engaging in a discussion/argument that is going nowhere. That is why I will stop talking & walk away during a heated discussion where I feel like my view point is not being taken into consideration.

Sometimes I am just too hurt to engage in conversation with him. Sometimes I am too angry to talk. I tend to cry when I am very angry and I feel that that makes H not understand how angry I am.

If he talks to me while I am feeling like any of the above, I will respond, but I won't engage in friendly conversation until I have had time to work through my emotions.

I have explained this to my H, but he still thinks I am giving him the silent treatment.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

sometimes i think that people could perceive my taking time out as the silent treatment. i tend to avoid the person who offended me or hurt me, or is not hearing what i am saying to them. 

really, i just need time to experience my emotions in a safe environment (a.k.a. sans the person who triggered it), and time to process my emotions and figure out how to effectively communicate how i'm feeling. In the past, at this point, i would ignore and move on, but that makes it very easy for me to hold grudges, and there have been a few close friends who have pushed me to open up to them, and it's been a healing experience: knowing someone loves me so much that no matter what i am feeling, if i talk about it with them, they will still love me afterwards. so i think i'm ending my days of "silent treatment", though taking "time outs" will continue, probably until the day i die!

my boyfriend, when he is really upset or angry, he does the same thing. he says that he doesn't want to say something he will regret, something passionately declared that he doesn't really mean, so when he is angry, he will withdraw, "until he can get back into his moods," and then he will come and we talk about it. same as me i guess, which is also helping me to talk about conflicts, because i actually hate it when he does it, because he doesn't really say that he's angry, he just shuts down. no, i hate it when we are in public and he does it, because then i don't have anywhere to be separate from him, really (the couple times it's happened in public, we were at a work function, and on a bus into town). 

anyway, i think it's 100% acceptable to take some time to experience the emotions, as long as you explain that you are angry, need some time, and will talk about it when you're feeling better. 

if you just shut down without explanation, then it's really disrespectful, and makes the situation even worse.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I can't say I give silent treatment but my husband does. It was a learned behavior and it's quite damaging. For him, there doesn't even have to be a discussion for it to trigger the silent 
treatment with him. He can wake up in the morning after being fine the night before and I won't get spoken too all day. My IC says that is likely due to having a dream or waking up with something 
On his mind that he can't shake and then his emotions are triggered to shut down. I have taken a time out before when a conversation gets heated but I always try to return to the subject later so we can try to resolve whatever is going on. My husband was told to try time outs but for him to return to a subject it was a helpful way for him to learn to stop fully shutting down and learn communication. He never does this. I have stopped as well because me continually being the one to return to the subject at hand teaches him nothing. The silent treatment usually sends the message to the other person they are not worthy and the spouse isn't interested in helping to learn better ways of communicating. I believe that's my husband. He isn't interested in making any changes. I no longer worry about his silent treatments, I go about my business. Him acting like a 4 yr old is on him. It must be a terrible way to feel for the brain. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Thank you for sharing! Hopefully this kind of insight will help others as well as myself!


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

My ew gave the silent treatment. I learned very quickly to enjoy the peace and quiet. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I will admit that in the past I have engaged in retaliatory silent treatment. By this I mean that when I was on the receiving end of silent treatment and my efforts to normalise communication didn't work, I would become resentful and when the person eventually started talking to me I would give them a taste of their own medicine. 

I do not recommend reacting this way and thankfully I have learned much better ways to deal with being ignored.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

kokonatsu said:


> sometimes i think that people could perceive my taking time out as the silent treatment. i tend to avoid the person who offended me or hurt me, or is not hearing what i am saying to them.
> ...
> 
> if you just shut down without explanation, then it's really disrespectful, and makes the situation even worse.


I believe the remedy for this situation is to have a time limited cooling off period/thinking time *and BOTH parties need to know when the cooling off period will end*. 

It's when the silence is indefinite that it becomes silent treatment.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Sbrown said:


> My ew gave the silent treatment. I learned very quickly to enjoy the peace and quiet. Lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Me too! Turn life's lemons into lemonade,


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Advocado said:


> I believe the remedy for this situation is to have a time limited cooling off period/thinking time *and BOTH parties need to know when the cooling off period will end*.
> 
> It's when the silence is indefinite that it becomes silent treatment.


Absolutely: it's an adult "time out". I would actually respect the other person for recognizing the need to cool off and think. I think 24-48 hours max. Just tell the other that's the plan, no reasonable person would refuse.

In my case this week it was Tuesday night until this morning. Living in the same house, different floors. No bumping into each other.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I don't give the silent treatment, but I do know how it works....



wifenumber2 said:


> -What trigger(s) causes you to start using the Silent Treatment?
> 
> Insecurity and the need to gain control.
> 
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think this is the same as the silent treatment, but when my brother lived with me a few years back, we would argue periodically. He's a right fighter and a yeller. I simply won't stand for being shouted at. He would get so worked up and yell at me so loudly that I would say to him "lower your voice" several times, if he didn't I would then say "I'm not continuing this discussion while you are yelling, we'll talk when you calm down". I would then walk away. Often he would follow me and continue to yell and I would simply ignore him. Is that silent treatment?? I don't think so, but correct me if I'm wrong. When he calmed down we would continue the discussion. I didn't ignore him for days on end.

As for the silent treatment, if my husband pulled that crap on me I would say to him "I will not put up with this, I'm leaving until you are over it" and then I would leave the house and not return until he apologised and put himself into counselling.

He'd get one chance. If he ever did it again I'd be gone and would file for divorce. 

My relationship prior to my marriage was abusive and I swore after it ended that I will never let anyone treat me like that again. Ever.

And I mean it.


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## hernpaqa (Nov 4, 2013)

I was afraid of talking too soon before having it completely reasoned out in my mind.


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

This is a fantastic thread! Thanks for starting it and for all the comments made! I wish my H could come on here and answer these questions as he is the master of ST!


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> I don't give the silent treatment, but I do know how it works....


Cosmos - I'm sure many will find your response (in red type in your post above) very insightful. 

Do you think that people who give silent treatment do it consciously and deliberately to gain/regain control etc or is it something that they unconsciouly learned which has worked for them and so they continue to do it without a second thought, or maybe subconsciously they know what they are doing but are in denial. 

And if they refuse to go to counselling is there anything their partner can do to encourage them to want to change themselves and rethink their behaviour. 

Whereas the advice in the article in my signature helped me *immensely *in dealing with silent treatment, I am wondering if there is anyone out there who formerly gave silent treatment but has now stopped and why/how they stopped.


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## Chana (Sep 14, 2013)

I did, early in our marriage (so probably 10+ years ago). A fair bit. Actually, probably a lot. I'm talking about actual 'silent treatment' used as a punishment towards the other person, not a 'time-out'/circuit breaker/gathering my thoughts before approaching the issue in a better frame of mind. It was a learned behaviour for me that I had seen modelled in my parents' marriage (they eventually divorced) and even though I knew how destructive it was, I still did it.

I have to say, a lot of Cosmos' responses rang true for me in what I was thinking/feeling at the time, eerily so. I was just really, really bad at conflict resolution and my husband is a laid-back, calm person who just didn't experience conflict much in his life so didn't really know how to deal with my reactions either. 

So the trigger was usually me feeling insecure about something and projecting my feelings of inadequacy onto him, and then 'punishing' him for his 'wrong-doing' by not telling him what was wrong (and if he loved me so much, then surely he should KNOW what's wrong, and if he doesn't know, then what is the point in me telling him?! - these are all things that I said - unfairly - to him at various points.) Sometimes in reaction to an argument and sometimes over some internal or external, usually minor, thing that set me off.

What changed for me was a few things. Partly maturity (we were very young when we married), partly me realising in the times when I was 'rational' just how unfair I was being on him and how awful I felt afterwards and how stupid it was to keep doing the same thing over and over, partly having children and realising that I didn't want to pass this on to yet another generation, and also I read a book by John Stottman called 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work in which he identified "stonewalling" (silent treatment) as being one of the four main destructive forces in breaking down a relationship. That shocked me into doing something about it. I had some counselling, and worked really hard on it, I don't do it anymore and I'm not proud that I did it at all. I'm just so thankful that my husband was patient enough to work through it with me rather than writing me off at the outset.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Chana - such honesty in explaining how things were and why and how you overcame. I bet your spouse is happy they no longer have to face this challenge any more. Well done. It's can't be easy to make such changes.


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## Susieatwork (Oct 25, 2013)

*-What trigger(s) causes you to start using the Silent Treatment?*


Feeling like I'm not being listened to or the other party is being unreasonable in an argument, and I can't get my point across. 
Being upset about something my partner has done but not ready to address it. Sometimes, it's about being to angry to express myself in a way that won't be damaging to the relationship - so I need to process internally first
*
-If you are not one to avoid conflict, why did you chose the Silent Treatment over either talking things out or just saying we need to talk but, I need some time?*


I am one to avoid conflict
When the other party just keeps talking and I can't get my point across, sometimes silent treatment works to get their attention. They realize I am not getting caught up in what they are putting forward. It can make the other party pause and think - allowing us to finally having a meaningful conversation where I feel listened to.


*-If this was due to an argument, have you agreed with what the other party said but still felt you needed The Silent Treatment?*


Sometimes, I need some alone time to get over an issue. However, in my case, it never lasts more than a few hours

*-How do you feel when you are in the midst of it?*



It does help me feel that I can regain control over a situation where I had none. However, it also feels uncomfortable and you get the feeling that the lack of communication is poisoning the relationship so I never use it for extended periods of time

*-When do you decide it's time to end it?*


When I start to miss my partner & feel that the silence is no longer useful to our relationship
*
- Do you think using The Silent Treatment helped you to resolve the conflict?*


Definitely. Some times. It may be an introvert/extravert thing. My partner (extravert)is great at arguing out problems but arguing exhausts me. Sometimes, it just gets him to be quiet for a second and pay attention to me. It takes me longer to express myself verbally in a conflict situation
*
-Suggestions for recipients of The Silent Treatment ? *


If the silent treatment goes on too long, it can be abusive in and of itself. However, in the context of an argument, it may be a sign that you are talking too much and not listening to the other party. Take a breath and ask them for their perspective on the issue.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I totally get backing away when things get heated to gather your emotions and your thoughts. But, what I never have been able to understand is the part where the person giving the ST totally blocks you out of day to day life. Why would mulling over a single issue render you disabled to communicate in daily life?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I don't do the whole 'ignore you and hope you go away' silent treatment, nor have I been a victim of such.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

My stbxh uses the silent treatment for the purpose of control and causing emotional torture. I have 23 years of examples. There was a time when all I wanted was for him to talk to me, so we could work through our issues. Now, all I want is for him to talk to me, so that I can have my personal belongings. I now realize some people use the silent treatment because they never intend to discuss anything. They refuse to compromise or change. They want things their way. They want it all. My stbxh is one of them. He has even alienated our grown son.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

What I think is a key differentiator between using silence (space) to allow both parties resolve conflict in a more peaceful manner vs exerting control are two sentences: "I know we need to talk but I'm (fill in the bank) and need some time to cool off. I promise we will talk but not right now".

Having been on the receiving end of the ST if I heard those words, I would feel love and respect towards my H during this time. I would think that he values the marriage and our relationship enough to protect it. I don't hear those words and what I feel isn't healthy towards maintaining a relationship. 




Satya said:


> I agree. There comes a point where after cooling off, I feel ready to discuss things like a mature adult. My ex had a habit of stopping me from walking away to cool off, basically making me more upset than I needed to be. I'd try to explain the reason behind needing time to process but obviously he didn't care to understand. There were times I felt so unheard that I chose not to talk for the rest of the day.
> 
> Sometimes if you are just exhausted from trying to explain your behavior and why it is meant to stop something worse from happening, you shut down. It is communication failure for sure, but it requires a willingness to listen and talk in a calm manner.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

wifenumber2 said:


> *"I know we need to talk but I'm (fill in the bank) and need some time to cool off. I promise we will talk but not right now"*.


It would have been nice to hear those words just one time.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

wifenumber2 said:


> What I think is a key differentiator between using silence (space) to allow both parties resolve conflict in a more peaceful manner vs exerting control are two sentences: "I know we need to talk but I'm (fill in the bank) and need some time to cool off. I promise we will talk but not right now".
> 
> Having been on the receiving end of the ST if I heard those words, I would feel love and respect towards my H during this time. I would think that he values the marriage and our relationship enough to protect it. I don't hear those words and what I feel isn't healthy towards maintaining a relationship.


:iagree: wholeheartedly. 

And throwing in a timeframe can also help. Like "later today" or "tomorrow". Along the lines of a sports person being given a time out - they have knowledge of when their "punishment"( (if that's the right word) will end. They don't have to sit and wonder if they will ever be able to play the game again. 

With the silent treatment, if, at the end of such period of time, a little more space/time is needed, then that person can simply go to their mate and express that they need x amount of more time to process. This is preferable to letting the time elapse and one party making the effort to be congenial and communicate but getting a negative/no response. 

Cooling off periods are cool


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## daSaint (Sep 20, 2013)

i'm phlegmatic, so i run away/avoid conflict by withdrawing or being quiet. It helps me not to say or do hurtful things in the heat of the moment. However, as a peacemaker, when my SO calls me out on my silence/withdrawal, i immediately sieze the opportunity to talk in a more relaxed atmosphere rather than a confrontational one. If i'm wrong, i apologise. If my SO fails to see that she's wrong, i won't drag the matter or withdraw into silence again. I'll just drop the matter and ensure that peace and love prevails. Somehow, some other time, she might just get where she was wrong. whenever i go into silence/withdrawal mode, it's only for a couple of hours max. Good or bad? I don't know, but it sure helps me in dealing with conflicts. But i'm willing to learn better ways too.


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## march09 (Mar 18, 2013)

I use it as a form of protection, I hate conflict and I am trying to protect my feelings and also trying to protect the kids from hearing all the yelling and arguments


-*What trigger(s) causes you to start using the Silent Treatment? The fact that I cannot make him understand my point of view. I am always willing to listen to him, but when I want to say something , he shots me off


-How do you feel when you are in the midst of it? I need space and time to think and he keeps pushing until I snap. Than I feel awful that I didn't kept my cool and start the silent treatment.

-When do you decide it's time to end it? It takes me a few days to get over it. I feel bullied and hurt. It's not like I'm not talking to him, but I am very short and to the point.

- Do you think using The Silent Treatment helped you to resolve the conflict? It makes him think more about what happened and usually we discussed the issue after a few days when we are both calm. But it drives him nuts that I am doing this...

-Suggestions for recipients of The Silent Treatment ? 
Back off during the argument if you are asked to finish and discuss later. Do not push until the other person snaps. 

Not sure this helps, we are in a very bad place right now, at least on my side. He doesn't see a problem, which makes things worse. You cannot fix something if you think it's not broken *


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

march09 said:


> I use it as a form of protection, I hate conflict and I am trying to protect my feelings and also trying to protect the kids from hearing all the yelling and arguments
> 
> 
> -*What trigger(s) causes you to start using the Silent Treatment? The fact that I cannot make him understand my point of view. I am always willing to listen to him, but when I want to say something , he shots me off
> ...


*


It's interesting that as the person giving the silent treatment you are feeling hurt and bullied. Thanks for explaining as I think I see where you are coming from and we seldom get to hear the other side of the story. 

At times when my partner gave me the silent treatment I would get a sense that he was not altogether happy with the fact that he was stonewalling me. But at other times it felt like he was getting off on my discomfiture. Like when he could tell that it was making me depressed and tearful (much as I tried to hide my tears) and was sure I was finally broken by days or weeks of silence, he would have somewhat of an air of triumph - maybe thinking "serves her right" or so it appeared to me. (This is turn made me even more depressed). 

So I'm wondering how silent treatment givers feel about their partner's response to being given the silent treatment for extended periods of time. Like how do you feel if your partner is angry, upset, confused or whatever?*


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Advocado said:


> So I'm wondering how silent treatment givers feel about their partner's response to being given the silent treatment for extended periods of time. Like how do you feel if your partner is angry, upset, confused or whatever?


My husband is the silent treatment giver. Its something he has always done. Its been discussed in therapy but nothing has changed with him. He comes from a family, and yes his family does this too, so its where he learned it, anyway, he comes from a family, where if YOU are upset, hurting, mad etc, then it makes them feel better. Its kinda like as long as someone else is feeling some kind of pain and they are not, then all is well with them. 

I remember a few years ago when my husband would be depressed, if I started to feel depressed just from being around him, and he saw that I was feeling down, he would some how be able to magically pull himself out of his "depression'. I had to learn over the years to detach and no longer act mad,sad or hurt around him. I had to go about my business and learn that what he was doing wasn't about me, and he had some deep rooted issues, and if he wanted to act like a child then that was ok, but I wasn't playing along.


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## march09 (Mar 18, 2013)

Advocado said:


> It's interesting that as the person giving the silent treatment you are feeling hurt and bullied. Thanks for explaining as I think I see where you are coming from and we seldom get to hear the other side of the story.
> 
> At times when my partner gave me the silent treatment I would get a sense that he was not altogether happy with the fact that he was stonewalling me. But at other times it felt like he was getting off on my discomfiture. Like when he could tell that it was making me depressed and tearful (much as I tried to hide my tears) and was sure I was finally broken by days or weeks of silence, he would have somewhat of an air of triumph - maybe thinking "serves her right" or so it appeared to me. (This is turn made me even more depressed).
> 
> So I'm wondering how silent treatment givers feel about their partner's response to being given the silent treatment for extended periods of time. Like how do you feel if your partner is angry, upset, confused or whatever?


To be honest, I feel miserable when I am giving the silent treatment. It's not something that I enjoy and I am not doing it as a revenge. It's just I feel I cannot cope with all the nonsense and all the harsh words that he is throwing at me. I just want to be left alone. 

He is the kind of man who will fight like crazy and than kiss me and say he loves me. I cannot do this. I need time and he's not willing to give me time... He goes on and on about an issue until I reach my breaking point...

I read a lot about the silent treatment and I know it's seen as bullying, but sometimes things are not so straightforward. For me , I see it as a response to his emotional and verbal bullying. Not sure that this is the best way to deal with this, but it's my way right now, until I will find a better solution.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Advocado said:


> But at other times it felt like he was getting off on my discomfiture. Like when he could tell that it was making me depressed and tearful (much as I tried to hide my tears) and was sure I was finally broken by days or weeks of silence, he would have somewhat of an air of triumph - maybe thinking "serves her right" or so it appeared to me. (This is turn made me even more depressed).


During one of his silent treatments, I expressed to my stbxh how his silence hurts me. He told me I was funny, and went back into silence.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

march09 said:


> To be honest, I feel miserable when I am giving the silent treatment. It's not something that I enjoy and I am not doing it as a revenge. It's just I feel I cannot cope with all the nonsense and all the harsh words that he is throwing at me. I just want to be left alone.
> 
> He is the kind of man who will fight like crazy and than kiss me and say he loves me. I cannot do this. I need time and he's not willing to give me time... He goes on and on about an issue until I reach my breaking point...
> 
> I read a lot about the silent treatment and I know it's seen as bullying, but sometimes things are not so straightforward. For me , I see it as a response to his emotional and verbal bullying. Not sure that this is the best way to deal with this, but it's my way right now, until I will find a better solution.



If I understand you correctly your H will not listen to you and in frustration you withdraw and stop speaking. And your silence drives him nuts and it makes you miserable. So sadly it's a lose/lose situation. 

I guess you have tried to explain to your H that you feel bullied and hurt when he insists on pursuing an issue and won't listen. If yes, what is his response? Does he actually hear you when/if you complain you are not being heard!

I think it's often the case that people won't take telling from their spouse but when a neutral third party intervenes they just migth sit up and take notice. So is there maybe a friend or relative your H looks up to who could put your point of view to your H, or would he be prepared to see a counseller with you. 

I hope you can find a way forward because, as someone rightly posted above, silent treatment can be extremely destructive to a relationship.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

SaltInWound said:


> During one of his silent treatments, I expressed to my stbxh how his silence hurts me. He told me I was funny, and went back into silence.


I used to think that if I could just explain to my silent H how much I hated the silence he would surely resolve not to do it again. But then it would happen again!  So I can feel where you're coming from. 

Thankfully I now handle things differently.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Can someone here please give a step by step scenario that has happened, causing them to give a silent treatment? Explain what led up to the conflict, and how each person reacted. I will help me understand the other side better.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

For me it is sometimes not about consciously giving the silent treatment, sometimes I don't have anything to say. Other times, I would rather just be alone with my thoughts.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

For those who give the silent treatment, do you do it to anyone other than your spouse? If you do, do you alter how you do it as compared to how you treat your spouse?

The reason I ask is some say they do it because they need time to absorb their feelings and not say the wrong thing, but surely a spouse is not the only person who you would run into conflict. I know my stbxh is angry everyday about something that someone at work has done to him. He feels he is treated unfairly, given other people's responsibilities, etc. I feel his anger comes from loss of control. He isn't in charge and can't control what he doesn't like, can't deal with requests when he feels like it, and if someone has a problem with something he has done, he can't ignore them. However, he doesn't do the silent treatment with them, because he knows there are consequences that I, at home, could never give him. 

I guess what I am trying to ask is.....If you don't give the silent treatment to others, why can't you absorb the situation with your spouse and respond to them the way you are able to in a reasonable time frame with others? Surely you wouldn't expect your boss to accept silence for a day, nor would you expect them to accept you saying "Let me think about your issue with me for a few hours and I will get back with you on that." You would know that how you react can be just as damaging to your working relationship as it would be to a personal relationship with your spouse. Maybe I am not explaining what I am trying to say very well. I'm trying to understand.


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## march09 (Mar 18, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> For those who give the silent treatment, do you do it to anyone other than your spouse? If you do, do you alter how you do it as compared to how you treat your spouse?
> 
> The reason I ask is some say they do it because they need time to absorb their feelings and not say the wrong thing, but surely a spouse is not the only person who you would run into conflict. I know my stbxh is angry everyday about something that someone at work has done to him. He feels he is treated unfairly, given other people's responsibilities, etc. I feel his anger comes from loss of control. He isn't in charge and can't control what he doesn't like, can't deal with requests when he feels like it, and if someone has a problem with something he has done, he can't ignore them. However, he doesn't do the silent treatment with them, because he knows there are consequences that I, at home, could never give him.
> 
> I guess what I am trying to ask is.....If you don't give the silent treatment to others, why can't you absorb the situation with your spouse and respond to them the way you are able to in a reasonable time frame with others? Surely you wouldn't expect your boss to accept silence for a day, nor would you expect them to accept you saying "Let me think about your issue with me for a few hours and I will get back with you on that." You would know that how you react can be just as damaging to your working relationship as it would be to a personal relationship with your spouse. Maybe I am not explaining what I am trying to say very well. I'm trying to understand.


I have said this to him countless times:" Just let me think about this a few hours and I will get back to you"...But his response is :" Why can't we resolve this now? Why?"

You know why? because he is yelling, accusing and I feel cornered, that's why. Resentment at his inability to see my point of view also, listen to me and try, at least try to understand. And when I see that this is not a two way conversation, the silent treatment begins...

And to answer your question, this only happens with my H. Never with other people. I am generally a very happy person, with lots of friends, great social life, very accomplished professionally and raising 2 beautiful kids. I just feel like I am trapped in a vicious circle , which started about 3 years ago, and I can't get out.


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## march09 (Mar 18, 2013)

Advocado said:


> If I understand you correctly your H will not listen to you and in frustration you withdraw and stop speaking. And your silence drives him nuts and it makes you miserable. So sadly it's a lose/lose situation.
> 
> I guess you have tried to explain to your H that you feel bullied and hurt when he insists on pursuing an issue and won't listen. If yes, what is his response? Does he actually hear you when/if you complain you are not being heard!
> 
> ...


There were a few instances where some of his family members tried to speak to him about his attitude, but he is always dismissing them ( and me) . Maybe counselling will work, although we have not discussed it. As I said, from his point of view, WE DO NOT have marriage problems. I HAVE PROBLEMS... It's his way or the highway...


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

march09 said:


> You know why? because he is yelling, accusing and I feel cornered, that's why. Resentment at his inability to see my point of view also, listen to me and try, at least try to understand. And when I see that this is not a two way conversation, the silent treatment begins...


Can you please give an example of one situation that happened, which escalated into him yelling, etc, making you feel the silent treatment was necessary. 



march09 said:


> And to answer your question, this only happens with my H. Never with other people. I am generally a very happy person, with lots of friends, great social life, very accomplished professionally and raising 2 beautiful kids. I just feel like I am trapped in a vicious circle , which started about 3 years ago, and I can't get out.


What happened 3 years ago?


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## Chana (Sep 14, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> For those who give the silent treatment, do you do it to anyone other than your spouse? If you do, do you alter how you do it as compared to how you treat your spouse?
> No, I never did. I think it was because I knew he was 'safe' and would forgive me. Part of coming to realise how wrong it was for me, was seeing that if he's the person I love most in the world, how could I treat him so badly compared to others.
> 
> The reason I ask is some say they do it because they need time to absorb their feelings and not say the wrong thing, but surely a spouse is not the only person who you would run into conflict. I know my stbxh is angry everyday about something that someone at work has done to him. He feels he is treated unfairly, given other people's responsibilities, etc. I feel his anger comes from loss of control. He isn't in charge and can't control what he doesn't like, can't deal with requests when he feels like it, and if someone has a problem with something he has done, he can't ignore them. However, he doesn't do the silent treatment with them, because he knows there are consequences that I, at home, could never give him.
> I do use the 'time out' method for conflict resolution now, not just with my spouse but others. I am very clear that I just need a little while to gather my thoughts and get my emotions under control, in order for a useful conversation to happen. I actually don't consider this anything like 'silent treatment' as I understand it.





whathappenedtome said:


> For me it is sometimes not about consciously giving the silent treatment, sometimes I don't have anything to say. Other times, I would rather just be alone with my thoughts.


I don't consider that 'silent treatment', especially if you tell someone that's why you're being quiet.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

Chana said:


> I don't consider that 'silent treatment', especially if you tell someone that's why you're being quiet.


I agree, but sometimes my wife wonders why I am giving her the silent treatment in these circumstances, and those reasons don't always convince her otherwise.

Real silent treatment is brutal.


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## Chana (Sep 14, 2013)

> Can someone here please give a step by step scenario that has happened, causing them to give a silent treatment? Explain what led up to the conflict, and how each person reacted. I will help me understand the other side better.


This is hard for me to answer, because it's going to show me in a terrible light, but sometimes this was how petty the trigger was. Sometimes it was over bigger things. One of the things I learned when I went to counselling to help me with anger issues and my own conflict resolution was to dig down past the anger and work out what I was really feeling that triggered the anger. That was pretty hard for me because I thought "I'm angry. Anger IS the feeling" but you know, mostly it isn't. It can be fear, it can be jealousy, it can feelings of inadequacy or feeling unheard or unacknowledged.

So, it might be something as minor as "I'm washing the dishes/other menial chore and you're just sitting there reading. Why can't you see/acknowledge what I'm doing? Why can't YOU wash the dishes? You never do ANYTHING!!" etc (and most of this is in my head, until I burst out in a rage at him about how lazy and unhelpful he is, and he has no idea where it came from but jumps up and starts helping, but it's too late and he either tries to apologise and *insert silent treatment* or we fight over something else random and then *insert silent treatment*. In my head at that point, I'm TOTALLY justified in ignoring him because he hurt me so badly, and I'm right!! (A lot of self-righteous anger and telling myself what a horrible person he is, running through every perceived crime he's ever committed, twisting scenarios to tell myself what a horrible, thoughtless, selfish person he is. Often projecting the way I actually, secretly, truly see myself onto him, because if he's as bad as I am, then it's not so bad. I don't know if that makes sense.) 

And then even as I'm calming down, I think, if I keep punishing him for a bit longer, he'll realise how wrong he is and won't do whatever the crime was, again. Only, you know, it doesn't work like that because the trigger can be anything ... so he was trying to work to this unrealistic, unstated set of expectations.

Then, usually after a 'break' from each other (sleep overnight, or at work for the day) I'd start talking to him grudgingly, and he'd be so grateful he'd jump through hoops to make sure I was happy, and it kind of made me feel like, well see - he MUST have been in the wrong or he wouldn't be acting in such a conciliatory way.

It was really, really messed up. I want to reiterate how destructive this is for a relationship. It is not healthy or helpful in any way at all (whereas a 'time out' can actually be a useful step in conflict resolution). I had (have, I guess) a lot of issues left over from growing up in a dysfunctional family of origin. I'm not making excuses for myself, I try to own my behaviour and work on it, and our marriage is in a really good place because we work *together* to make it so. I'm very thankful for him, and his patience!

For those of you who have had to deal with this kind of thing from your spouses for years - I have no idea how you've coped.


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## Susieatwork (Oct 25, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> For those who give the silent treatment, do you do it to anyone other than your spouse? If you do, do you alter how you do it as compared to how you treat your spouse?
> 
> The reason I ask is some say they do it because they need time to absorb their feelings and not say the wrong thing, but surely a spouse is not the only person who you would run into conflict. I know my stbxh is angry everyday about something that someone at work has done to him. He feels he is treated unfairly, given other people's responsibilities, etc. I feel his anger comes from loss of control. He isn't in charge and can't control what he doesn't like, can't deal with requests when he feels like it, and if someone has a problem with something he has done, he can't ignore them. However, he doesn't do the silent treatment with them, because he knows there are consequences that I, at home, could never give him.


The answer to this is yes - I am tempted to. When someone really gets on my nerves my instinct is to avoid them - not confront. This can mean scaling down my interactions with them to a minimum. Silent treatment is not really a socially acceptable way for adults to deal with issues of conflict so it's difficult to give it to a co-worker for example. 

Like I said in my earlier post, I although I do use this method it is more of a cooling off/needing time to process/getting the other party to listen kind of this. It is not fun to do, and I could never do it for more than a few hours because it would kill me to not engage with my partner - and leave an unresolved conflict hanging.


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## toxxik (May 20, 2013)

I haven't read they all the previous comments but feel compelled to share what drives me to giving the silent treatment to my husband. Currently I am on day four if not speaking beyond bare minimal communication (we have two kids so there has to be some coordination at times). What sends me off the edge... Can best be described as sexual train wrecks. Without going into details lets just say my needs in several levels get ignored. Right now I am do hurt by his last set of actions I keep fighting off inflicting physical pain as a way to convert my emotional pain. I am battling with a nauseous Feeling even thinking about the events if this last weekend. As a result I am not talking. There is nothing left to say that wasn't already said and words won't change anything and I am determined to not just let his behavior slide so therefore I am silent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stlsundevil (Jun 10, 2013)

I don't know if what I do can even be classified as "the silent treatment". I'm generally a talker. I will talk forever and debate and argue forever in trying to get my point across. But the times when I give at least my personal spin on the silent treatment is when I've felt disrespected. I won't refuse to talk completely, that just seems really juvenile. But I will get very quiet and will only respond in short blurbs. I do this first off because I'm angry and don't really want to talk to her. This almost always results when she is mean or snaps at me for no reason. Sometimes I'm be uncommunicative because I want her to know that it pissed me off. I guess I want her to ask if something is wrong so I can tell her.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

stlsundevil said:


> I don't know if what I do can even be classified as "the silent treatment". I'm generally a talker. I will talk forever and debate and argue forever in trying to get my point across. But the times when I give at least my personal spin on the silent treatment is when I've felt disrespected. I won't refuse to talk completely, that just seems really juvenile. But I will get very quiet and will only respond in short blurbs. I do this first off because I'm angry and don't really want to talk to her. This almost always results when she is mean or snaps at me for no reason. Sometimes I'm be uncommunicative because I want her to know that it pissed me off. I guess I want her to ask if something is wrong so I can tell her.




For me to say whether or not I would call this silent treatment, I would need to know how long you normally remain silent. A few hours up to say maximum 1 day - I would normally call that a cooling off period and not silent treatment.

Generally speaking, I would say being silent for longer constitutes silent treatment.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I imagine most people who gives silent treatment feel it is justified on some level. I can understand someone shutting down if they feel they are being disrespected, not listened to and the like. I can also understand when someone has grown up believing silent treatment to be the norm or acceptable. 

But if an adult cannot, for whatever reason, talk and communicate with their spouse after a reasonable cooling off period, surely something needs to be done to address the issues (MC) as silent treatment won't help ther relationship in the long term


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## Microwavelove (Sep 11, 2013)

I have used the silent treatment, more often than I should, but I'm getting better. I am an introvert, so at times it's just because I would rather not talk about whatever the issue, which is not good. 

Other times it's because I've felt like I've been wronged in some way and I want him to be the one to make the first move to apologize. I know, passive aggressive, but that has been my reasoning.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Question For Those Who GIVE The Silent Treatment*



wifenumber2 said:


> I see a lot of posts on TAM from those who are on the receiving end of The Silent Treatment but few from those who have been the ones who initiate it. I'm in the midst of being on the receiving end it right now (the sixth time in about as many months). I am curious about a few things and want to learn from you--not to judge you:
> 
> -What trigger(s) causes you to start using the Silent Treatment?
> 
> ...


I was silent in my marriage, but it wasnt a deliberate treatment, just every time I spoke it made things worse, and without words it was like my actions had no credibility. 

What made it worse was to be pried open and then whatever was taken out before I was able to processes it was used against me.

If you are getting the silent treatment it's because your partner wants you to listen to their actions.

I'm possibly projecting here, but don't ask them to verbally communicate, just acknowledge what you do appreciate and try to just spend quality time with them, silent quality time if you must.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

march09 said:


> How would you define a reasonable cooling off period? A few hours, a few days?


March 09 - For me, a few hours is reasonable. Up to one day I would say was ok but more than one day was too long/soul destroying for me on the receiving end. With a counsellor we agreed that 3 or 4 hours was reasonable. In practise it can sometimes be more than 3 hours but up to 1 whole day maximum I can contend with if I have to. 


Ending a silent episode can be very awkward and difficult but basically resolve to just remember what time limit was agreed to, think things through and/or do something uplifting during the timeout to take your mind off things (especially if it’s over something relatively petty) and just force yourself to both initiate conversation and respond well when spoken to. Life’s too short.

But I am curious/can I ask – bearing in mind that your partner sounds to be somewhat of a bully, can you describe how he responds to your silence. Does he get that he has pushed you into a corner? Is he apologetic, upset or does he stay angry?


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

When giving me the silent treatment my H would often leave the room when I entered, delay coming for meals/not eat the meals at all, avoid all eye contact, was stoney faced and just plain unapproachable. Oh and sometimes he was more talkative than usual with other family members. 

Anyone else do that, and why?


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

My H does the same: sleeps in another room, will come home after he thinks I'm asleep and will either leave before I awake or if I beat him to it, he'll wait until after I leave as I stop off at his business to work on the books. He will carry on and so will I. Usually lasts about 4-5 days and ends with him coming into my room in the middle of the night, spooning, squeezing me like a boa constrictor and then, of course, sex. 

My issues are unresolved due to the Silent Treatment and so conflict reoccurs with greater frequency. I'm in IC which helps me but I'm not so sure that it helps the marriage when only one person is addressing issues. How can I or any other Silent Treatment recipient correct things we may not know are really bothering you if you do not speak???? I'm reaching a sad point that about 1/4 of each month is spent in silence and I'm not sure if that is worth it.

In my case, except for one time, I'm usually very calm and stick to issues and am usually reacting to something he may have said/accused me. 

The second to last time, when he started to leave the room, I called him on walking away vs resolving. I expressed how I really felt about the issue with anger and thought I know it's going to end up with the Silent Treatment anyways so what do I have to lose and perhaps the shock value of a different approach would have an impact and it didn't but I felt good for telling him what I felt he needed to hear vs tipple toe around it, tell my support group etc.

Again, tell me you need space. Acknowledge we have an issue that does merit further discussion and working together to resolve and give me a time frame( 24-48 hours) for us to revisit and I would be over the moon as I knew that you were protecting our marriage. 



Advocado said:


> When giving me the silent treatment my H would often leave the room when I entered, delay coming for meals/not eat the meals at all, avoid all eye contact, was stoney faced and just plain unapproachable. Oh and sometimes he was more talkative than usual with other family members.
> 
> Anyone else do that, and why?


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

WifeNumber2 - So your H gives you the silent treatment, and holds the reigns on when the silence will end (when he feels frisky) and how it will be ended (sex)!

My H would often not come to bed until 3 or 4 am when we were not speaking. After I wised up somewhat, I would make a point of going to the spare room as soon as he came to bed if he chose to come to bed late, or put his pillow in the spare room. Not saying these are all singing/all dancing solutions, but I’d be damned if I was going to wait around for him to deign to come to bed! 

I really do feel for you – 25% of your marriage in silence is a huge waste. I hope you can get him to MC if he won’t protect the marriage as you have asked/described.

I think you raised some very interesting questions in your first post on this thread. Have you asked your H any of these questions/what response?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

I'll add.

For years my SO was extremely verbally abusive.

Any discussion (I use that term loosely ) would lead down a rabbit hole of other things to let me know that I was wrong about.

If I was silent - that was the only thing she could focus on. That target was easily ignored.

She and I have learned through MC, that while the silent treatment doesn't help, it was a defense mechanism for me to protect myself from her verbal onslaught. She has done some amazing changes with herself to pretty much stop being verbally abusive to me. I have been working to stop the silent behavior treatment when ever she gets upset (everyone is allowed to be upset - it doesn't mean someone is going to be abusive - big thing for me to realize)


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

Your questions are rather in-depth. From what I read you are getting the silent treatment for one reason a lone. You did something that was not to significant others liking. In this case it is like a child having a temper tantrum. Further it is a power game to see who will come out on top. The only thing I can suggest is that you return the favor to avoid conflict. Clearly there is a no win situation in it and the best thing you can do is to stand your ground and go on about your day. Then when you don't come begging for attention it will quickly pass.
Now there are times when I go into silent mode with my wife and that is simply to avoid making disagreements worse. Then when time has pasted I will revisit the issue. This is not a power game for me it is just away of taking a break so things can get peaceful again. Usually after a half day to even two days my wife will start talking to me about the problem and things are made clear and the emotions are changed. Then things work out. However, this is not my being silent for power or domination it is simply a way of restoring peace and often I go the way my wife wanted in the beginning. This is because she is not emotional and more able to explain things better. 
There is a extremely thin line between a power and domination play and a means of creating a peaceful environment that must be understood.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

march09 said:


> He is angry in the beginning, I don't think he realises that he pushed me into a corner. After a while, he just goes along with the silent treatment, not talking much, giving me some space. Usually he is asking me if I am still upset and depending on my answer he gets mad again because obviously I do not have any reason to be upset, he did nothing wrong.
> 
> After a few days ( in which we still communicate, but just basic stuff), he starts to be apologetic, brings me flowers and says he loves me ... But to be honest, I think he just wants to get back on good terms with me, *not really understanding what bothers me.* He says he's not going to do it again and starts all over the next week.
> 
> ...


Hmm - Until he listens and puts himself in your shoes I don't see how the destructive verbal abuse and silence abuse cycle will be ended. How do you feel about MC/would he go?


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