# Surprised, worried...how can this be handled?



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Last night, our daughter told us that her BFF asked her that if she ran away, could she come and stay at our house? (Our family is a little laid-back, so our house has sort of become a sanctuary for her friends).
A 10-11 year old talking this way is a bit disturbing to me, and I was wondering, should we talk to the school about this? Her BFF, let's call her "Jane", lives with her father and stepmother, and Jane does not get along with the stepmother at all (her mother lives in the Philippines). Jane, despite being a very polite, straight-A student, is living in a state of constant punishment. It seems every week, Jane can't come over to study, go to the library with my daughter, can't do anything because her parents get angry and ground her. She had to miss out on Halloween, was pulled out of the book club and even the orchestra (things she loves) because her parents got mad again and took these away from her. And these "crimes" are things like forgetting a pair of mittens at school, not jumping up and running with a smile to help with the chores, getting below an A on a test, etc...
Should I let someone in authority know, or butt out? I don't think that Jane is being physically abused, but when a kid talks about running away, I think it's a time to worry.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That's sad. Unfortunately you seem to already be involved--since she wants to run away (to your house). It's obvious you won't be able to talk to her parents because they will take it out on her. And if you talk to the school counselor, her parents will still come down on her. 

Does she have siblings/steps? How are they treated? Is this child exaggerating any? One of my daughters exaggerates. She thinks it constitutes child abuse because I dictate what time she will come home, that I won't pay $50 for a Victoria's Secret bra, or I won't pay for her eyebrows to be waxed. And the sad part is that her little friends buy into this and think I'm a horrible parent. Hope this is not the issue with "Jane". Otherwise this child needs help.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

There's two sides to every story. I have a 14 year old that is very polite and mannerly at school and at his friends' houses. At home, though, he is another person - disrespectful, mean to his brothers, talks back, gets mad and breaks stuff, etc. He has threatened to run away a few times. He has a pretty damn good life, even if he doesn't think so. If anything he is spoiled and gets too much.

He has two friends (brothers) who are the same - very polite and respectful to me but really talk back to their parents. These brother get restricted all the time because of their mouth and talking back to their parents. Be careful getting all worked up over something a kid tells you. Grounding a kid is a far cry from physical abuse or sexual abuse. Be careful telling someone else how to raise their kids. That is never received well. And if I can play the devil's advocate, you describe your home environment as being laid back. Maybe they think you are too lax.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Unless this child is being physically abused, I would even *think* about butting in. Furthermore, if she did "run away" to my home, I'd call her parents immediately.

Unfortunately you have just the child's version of what's happening. Maybe they are too hard on her, who knows for sure? But I wouldn't touch this with someone else's ten foot pole.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Let her run away to your house. Then, when she's there, find a mediator of some sort to come to your house, and then call her parents and invite them over so the situation can be discussed - with a professional. 

Our friend's son ran away to our house last year on a Friday; he had some legitimate gripes, but they were typical teenage ones. Once he got here, I called his parents; we agreed to let him stay the weekend and they would come over on Sunday night. I told him on Saturday to come up with a list of 'gripes' so everyone could discuss them logically.

The 5 of us sat down and discussed all his issues Sunday night. Funnily enough, over half of the gripes were about ME! lol

We all learned a lot that night.

Communication is king.

If you can discuss this with her parents in a non-judgmental way, in a calm setting, they may learn some things they never realized.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Watch her for any signs of physical abuse. My 9yo son told his dad he was going to live with his Nana because we wouldn't buy him a Playstation, and let him play video games. The other kids thought this was abuse.
Approach with caution.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It is true that kids do sometimes exaggerate things, and both Jane and my D are both sort of the class clowns, but if there is any type of abuse going on, and if Jane does show up on our doorstep one night (it actually happened with another of my D's friends!), if the authorities get involved, they may start asking around if there were any warning signs. Right now, half of me is in a "wait and see/she may just be exaggerating because she isn't getting her way" mode-but the other half is thinking "is this the sign of something far deeper?"


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It's hard to say for sure how you should handle this. I know about a year ago, my oldest son came home and told me a female friend of his (they were about 8 at the time) had told him that her mother threw her through the wall. I had no idea if it was true or not, and as it turned out, the little girl was not telling the truth, but I went to the school anyway, and informed the teacher and the principal. I felt that if I knew what was happening to her, and said nothing, and she ended up badly hurt or even killed, I would be somewhat responsible since I could have stopped it by saying something. And even though the girl wasn't telling the truth, I'd still do the same thing. 

But you don't mention her being physically abused, although the punishments do seem to be a bit over the top, as you describe them. Of course, without being in their house, you have no way of knowing what really goes on there. I think there's really 2 ways to go, and either way would be doing the right thing: go to the school, tell them what happened and ask them to look into it, and to please keep your name out of it; don't even tell them that she wants to run away to your house, just that she wants to run away. Or tell your daughter that yes, her friend can run away to your house, and if/when the friend does, find out why she ran away and call the police or CPS and allow them to play mediator between the girl and her parents. If there's abuse or something else going on that warrants it, they will remove her from her home. If they ask if there were warning signs or if you knew anything about this before hand, just explain what you put here: punishments a bit over the top and parents being mad a lot, but that you really didn't know what to do. 

This is one of those times as a parent that you just have to go with what feels right to you. Even if it's not what someone else would do, or seems like an overreaction, if you feel like it's what you should do, then do it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Have a conversation with "Jane" when she comes over to your house. Perhaps you can gain more insight. Maybe you can then learn if she is exaggerating or if something more is going on. Since your household atmosphere is laid back (as you said), then she is more apt to talk openly there.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Yes, TG, I wholeheartedly agree. I am thinking of talking discreetly to the principal, but I want it to stay anonymous-her parents sound like the type who would find out that their D came to my D, and then: PRESTO! Jane is no longer allowed to go to her friends' homes!


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Have a conversation with "Jane" when she comes over to your house. Perhaps you can gain more insight. Maybe you can then learn if she is exaggerating or if something more is going on. Since your household atmosphere is laid back (as you said), then she is more apt to talk openly there.


A great idea! See what she is like when she describes the situation--this will help you tell if she is exaggerating or truly distressed.

Like Mike said, grounding is definitely not abuse. However, the fact that it's a step parent making these calls and not her own mother, and the fact that they're forbidding intellectually stimulating, enriching activities like orchestra are red flags to me. There's a difference between taking away TV or cell phone for a week and pulling your kid out of a book club. The first situation is constructive, while the second is harmful.

I'm in support of talking with her or encouraging her to speak with a counselor or mediator. I would really not suggest letting her run away to your house unless she is clearly being abused.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

UPDATE:
Well, she went and did it-she ran off! Fortunately, she is at another friend's house(we weren't home at the time, so she went there instead-found out about it on answering machine, her parents thought she would have come here first).
My W and D went to friend's house, and my D is going to spend the night there, and both are going to be there for moral support. My D was quite upset about it, and started to cry when we found out. I reassured her, and even told her that it was good that she is concerned about "Jane". As of now, no new details, but will keep you posted.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

At least she is safe. And another plus is that now you aren't "alone" with this problem. You've got another family involved in this dilemma. Have you discussed the problem with them? Hope everything gets satisfactorily resolved. Keep us posted.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hope the girl's parents take this for the wakeup call (for THEM) that it is.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I don't know. Her stepmom fawns over her biological children, but Jane is "in the way".


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

F-102 said:


> I don't know. Her stepmom fawns over her biological children, but Jane is "in the way".


I had asked about that in my initial post. I was afraid that could be happening. I guess "Jane" is actually Cinderella. Hope someone can help make her life more bearable.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe you could point it out. Or ask the other parent (where she went) to do so.


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