# New



## MJMBEM

Im a H 47
W 39
TOGETHER 15 yrs
Married 3 6/22
5 kids with her 4,7, 9,9, 14 
2 others from previous relationship 27, 31
D DAY 11-29-21

I work on the road doing commercial infrastructure construction. Im gone 8 months of the year coming home once a month for 3-4 days and work continously 4 weeks rarely with a day off usually 12-16 hrs a day. I make a excellent income that affords us all the things in life. NEW vehicles, beautiful home, healthy food, children get to do all the school activities they want to. I provide every thing I am able and my wife also works hard to do the same. I love my wife dearly with all of my heart and I know she loves me as well.

On 11-29-21 I found out she had a affair. It was a one time thing and I was devastated. She immediately ended the affair and has had no known contact with the puke since. (I confronted him at his parents house during a family get together infront of his family. He started crying and broke down. His parents are devout Christians and his father and brother laid into him infront of me it was the first good feeling I had since D day.) When i found all the texts emails it was apparent he was pursuing her. THAT IN NO WAY EXCUSES WHAT SHE DID AND I TOLD HER THAT SHE CROSSED A LINE THAT SHOULD NEVER BE CROSSED.

I felt all the emotions I have read on other threads and more. The rage, pain, guilt, loss, just continued like waves crashing over me. I still have them but they are fewer and further between. It all seems more manageable now. I've made the decision to stay and repair our marriage we are in counseling and are working through all of this. I am not going to go into details but I never cheated or even thought about it. I know I am far from a perfect husband but I never thought this would happen. I still wake up in the morning and feel like im in someone else's life. She is truly remorseful and is working to repair us as hard as I am. We are doing a marriage contract as a guide on how to proceed.

I have a few questions. Have any of you ever done a marriage contract? She suggested that I could have access to her phone remotely. Im not sure thats healthy anyone ever done this? Hell all it would take is a burner phone and its a moot act. What can we do so she can earn my trust again? Is it just time? Has anyone ever done a couples therapy intensive weekend course? If so were they worth it? And last I have truly Forgiven my wife but when will this pain and all of the emotions stop or slow down significantly.

I truly appreciate your advise and help.
MJMBEM


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## Casual Observer

You need to approach this from two different angles; one that represents strong boundaries that you have created, with her assistance and complete support. Second, notions of secrecy are in the past and she needs to be aware of what hypervigilance looks and feels like, and understand that it's not something that changes quickly. Third, think about putting an end to the baby making. You might be going through a hysterical bonding period and having lots of sex. Don't let another kid complicate things. Your wife is already seriously tied down and could be acting out because she's "stuck" and you're out in the real world. Not an excuse, just something to think about going forward. 

What is your relationship like with your ex (mother of two prior kids)?

And how long have you been married? It says "3 6/22" and I can't figure out what that means. But it appears you didn't have issues, twice, having kids long before getting married. Why the lack of commitment on your part? Or was it theirs?

It's pretty easy on TAM to see a stereotype where marriages are failing more often when the first kid(s) came about before marriage. Makes one wonder if these were people who might not have married, had there not been a pregnancy. What's your story? What's hers?

Sorry to sound a bit harsh. No, there is not an excuse for a spouse cheating. But there are reasons marriages fail, and the two are not always the same.


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## Andy1001

If your serious about saving your marriage then you may need a job closer to home. I’m not excusing your wife’s behaviour for a second but it must be hard looking after five children for almost a month at a time without a partner to share the load. 
And kudos to you for not straying yourself. You must be lonely too by times.


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## thunderchad

Can you get a job where you aren't gone 8 months a year and only come home once a month?

It might pay well but your wife and family misses you. And, as you have seen, this is a recipe for disaster and cheating.


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## MJMBEM

I have discussed the career path change and we just aren't financially able to at this point. It will cost me a excessive lost in my pension as well as about a 2/3 loss of income. Im just not sure what to do.


thunderchad said:


> Can you get a job where you aren't gone 8 months a year and only come home once a month?
> 
> It might pay well but your wife and family misses you. And, as you have seen, this is a recipe for disaster and cheating.


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## MJMBEM

MJMBEM said:


> I have discussed the career path change and we just aren't financially able to at this point. It will cost me a excessive lost in my pension as well as about a 2/3 loss of income. Im just not sure what to do.





Casual Observer said:


> You need to approach this from two different angles; one that represents strong boundaries that you have created, with her assistance and complete support. Second, notions of secrecy are in the past and she needs to be aware of what hypervigilance looks and feels like, and understand that it's not something that changes quickly. Third, think about putting an end to the baby making. You might be going through a hysterical bonding period and having lots of sex. Don't let another kid complicate things. Your wife is already seriously tied down and could be acting out because she's "stuck" and you're out in the real world. Not an excuse, just something to think about going forward.
> 
> What is your relationship like with your ex (mother of two prior kids)?
> 
> And how long have you been married? It says "3 6/22" and I can't figure out what that means. But it appears you didn't have issues, twice, having kids long before getting married. Why the lack of commitment on your part? Or was it theirs?
> 
> It's pretty easy on TAM to see a stereotype where marriages are failing more often when the first kid(s) came about before marriage. Makes one wonder if these were people who might not have married, had there not been a pregnancy. What's your story? What's hers?
> 
> Sorry to sound a bit harsh. No, there is not an excuse for a spouse cheating. But there are reasons marriages fail, and the two are not always the same.


Well first thanks for the honesty I prefer a blunt answer to dancing around. Second we are through having children. My previous children were with a High school sweetheart we were both very young. I was 16 when the oldest was born. And 20 when the second was born. It was as you can imagine probably doomed from the begining as we were so young. We married right out of High School and divorced a year after our youngest was born. I worked full time and went to college from the time my oldest was born. We were just to young and wanted different things in life. When it ended it was not amicable but we ended up being able to coparent effectively and were cordial always. I don't ever remember fighting after we went our separate ways. 

Sorry about the typo it was supposed to read married 3 yrs 6/22/19. As far as the not getting married it was more of just poor timing. Family mebers not being able to be there. Her Grand father fighting cancer, my Oldest being deployed, ect. We set a date 3 times and after the last one when my son got redeployed to Afghanistan we just "eloped". 

I have discussed the career path change and we just aren't financially able to at this point. It will cost me a excessive lost in my pension as well as about a 2/3 loss of income. Im just not sure what to do. Thanks for your input again.


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## DownByTheRiver

All anyone would have to do to circumvent you seeing their phone is have two phones, one that you don't know about. Teenagers do it all the time. She can just get a prepaid one and pay cash for a card to fill it.


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## Casual Observer

DownByTheRiver said:


> All anyone would have to do to circumvent you seeing their phone is have two phones, one that you don't know about. Teenagers do it all the time. She can just get a prepaid one and pay cash for a card to fill it.


But if she thinks she’s good with a burner, she won’t be looking for VARs and tracking devices. Relying on a burner makes one an easy target. The main thing is to not let on that you have a clue and/or how eat it is to track and record people.

Thank God I know these things from reading TAM and personally. No projecting for once.


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## Casual Observer

MJMBEM said:


> Well first thanks for the honesty I prefer a blunt answer to dancing around. Second we are through having children. My previous children were with a High school sweetheart we were both very young. I was 16 when the oldest was born. And 20 when the second was born. It was as you can imagine probably doomed from the begining as we were so young. We married right out of High School and divorced a year after our youngest was born. I worked full time and went to college from the time my oldest was born. We were just to young and wanted different things in life. When it ended it was not amicable but we ended up being able to coparent effectively and were cordial always. I don't ever remember fighting after we went our separate ways.
> 
> Sorry about the typo it was supposed to read married 3 yrs 6/22/19. As far as the not getting married it was more of just poor timing. Family mebers not being able to be there. Her Grand father fighting cancer, my Oldest being deployed, ect. We set a date 3 times and after the last one when my son got redeployed to Afghanistan we just "eloped".
> 
> I have discussed the career path change and we just aren't financially able to at this point. It will cost me a excessive lost in my pension as well as about a 2/3 loss of income. Im just not sure what to do. Thanks for your input again.


Im going to stay on the lack of legal commitment for a moment. 3 or 4 or all kids while not married to your now-wife? And blame it on timing issues? You’re 100% certain this couldn’t be seen by someone as a way to keep things open, look for alternatives?

Again, she DID cheat. But if you want to reconcile, there may be issues that need to be resolved that require changes on your part. She just might not be built to handle the lifestyle you’ve given her.


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## BeyondRepair007

MJMBEM said:


> Well first thanks for the honesty I prefer a blunt answer to dancing around. Second we are through having children. My previous children were with a High school sweetheart we were both very young. I was 16 when the oldest was born. And 20 when the second was born. It was as you can imagine probably doomed from the begining as we were so young. We married right out of High School and divorced a year after our youngest was born. I worked full time and went to college from the time my oldest was born. We were just to young and wanted different things in life. When it ended it was not amicable but we ended up being able to coparent effectively and were cordial always. I don't ever remember fighting after we went our separate ways.
> 
> Sorry about the typo it was supposed to read married 3 yrs 6/22/19. As far as the not getting married it was more of just poor timing. Family mebers not being able to be there. Her Grand father fighting cancer, my Oldest being deployed, ect. We set a date 3 times and after the last one when my son got redeployed to Afghanistan we just "eloped".
> 
> I have discussed the career path change and we just aren't financially able to at this point. It will cost me a excessive lost in my pension as well as about a 2/3 loss of income. Im just not sure what to do. Thanks for your input again.


She had an affair 2 yrs into your marriage?
Do you know start and duration? I mean come on, that’s pretty wild to me.

If it were me I would have to really re-consider if she was wife material or not.

But you know this I guess. I’m not sure how you could ever trust her again with you being away so much.
I would always be wondering and there’s no way to be sure.
It‘s just you relying on the word of a cheater. Not a great option.

You‘re right when you say she will find a way if she wants.
Theres a million ways to cheat when you live with your spouse full time.
If they’re gone for weeks at a time? Ouch.

Sorry to be so negative here but with you being away so much and she showing what she’s capable of, I don’t know any reasonable way to get past it.

Give up that job.


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## Diana7

You clearly earn a lot of money and not sure why you think you would only earn 1/3rd of your present wage if you got a job working nearer to home.
Anyway, what is more important your family or having loads of luxuries?


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## BeyondRepair007

Diana7 said:


> You clearly earn a lot of money and not sure why you think you would only earn 1/3rd of your present wage if you got a job working nearer to home.
> Anyway, what is more important your family or having loads of luxuries?


I was rewatching ‘Frequency’ on Netflix tonight and the wife left the husband because she was protecting the child from the darkness of him being a cop.

I was yelling, Dude! find another job! But he didn’t. 

Seems so clear to me. Pick what’s important to you and fight for it.
Job or wife, that’s up to you.

In your case, it does seem to be mutually exclusive.
You can’t have both.


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## marko polo

MJMBEM said:


> Im a H 47
> W 39
> TOGETHER 15 yrs
> Married 3 6/22
> 5 kids with her 4,7, 9,9, 14
> 2 others from previous relationship 27, 31
> D DAY 11-29-21
> 
> I work on the road doing commercial infrastructure construction. Im gone 8 months of the year coming home once a month for 3-4 days and work continously 4 weeks rarely with a day off usually 12-16 hrs a day. I make a excellent income that affords us all the things in life. NEW vehicles, beautiful home, healthy food, children get to do all the school activities they want to. I provide every thing I am able and my wife also works hard to do the same. I love my wife dearly with all of my heart and I know she loves me as well.
> 
> On 11-29-21 I found out she had a affair. It was a one time thing and I was devastated. She immediately ended the affair and has had no known contact with the puke since. (I confronted him at his parents house during a family get together infront of his family. He started crying and broke down. His parents are devout Christians and his father and brother laid into him infront of me it was the first good feeling I had since D day.) When i found all the texts emails it was apparent he was pursuing her. THAT IN NO WAY EXCUSES WHAT SHE DID AND I TOLD HER THAT SHE CROSSED A LINE THAT SHOULD NEVER BE CROSSED.
> 
> I felt all the emotions I have read on other threads and more. The rage, pain, guilt, loss, just continued like waves crashing over me. I still have them but they are fewer and further between. It all seems more manageable now. I've made the decision to stay and repair our marriage we are in counseling and are working through all of this. I am not going to go into details but I never cheated or even thought about it. I know I am far from a perfect husband but I never thought this would happen. I still wake up in the morning and feel like im in someone else's life. She is truly remorseful and is working to repair us as hard as I am. We are doing a marriage contract as a guide on how to proceed.
> 
> I have a few questions. Have any of you ever done a marriage contract? She suggested that I could have access to her phone remotely. Im not sure thats healthy anyone ever done this? Hell all it would take is a burner phone and its a moot act. What can we do so she can earn my trust again? Is it just time? Has anyone ever done a couples therapy intensive weekend course? If so were they worth it? And last I have truly Forgiven my wife but when will this pain and all of the emotions stop or slow down significantly.
> 
> I truly appreciate your advise and help.
> MJMBEM


Time may deaden the pain but this is not something you will forget. Broken trust stays broken for most. Reconciliation or the attempt takes years of sustained effort. There are no guarantees. It is a heavy lift that many wayward spouses fail. 

If cheating is a deal breaker for you this will not work out in the long term. You will not be able to overcome the betrayal.

You have correctly determined that having remote access to her phone guarantees nothing as far as transparency.

What can she do to earn your trust? *She has to figure that out.* The obvious answer is keep her legs closed. She failed that miserably already. If you are prudent you should not assume this is her first time. It would be wise to DNA test your children and verify they are yours.

She is truly remorseful. This situation is still fresh. You will truly see how remorseful she stays over the coming months and years. Far more likely you will have a repeat of the betrayal. Especially if you continue work away from home for months at a time.

All the best regardless of how you choose to move forward.


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## DownByTheRiver

Casual Observer said:


> But if she thinks she’s good with a burner, she won’t be looking for VARs and tracking devices. Relying on a burner makes one an easy target. The main thing is to not let on that you have a clue and/or how eat it is to track and record people.
> 
> Thank God I know these things from reading TAM and personally. No projecting for once.


But if you don't know she has the burner, there won't be tracking devices on it.


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## Casual Observer

DownByTheRiver said:


> But if you don't know she has the burner, there won't be tracking devices on it.


Tracking device on the car, VARs in the house and car. Don’t focus on the burner.


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## DownByTheRiver

Casual Observer said:


> Tracking device on the car, VARs in the house and car. Don’t focus on the burner.


You know she can report him because that crap is illegal.


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## Casual Observer

DownByTheRiver said:


> You know she can report him because that crap is illegal.


Not sure, if my wife was unfaithful and I needed to rebuild my trust in her, that the legality of a tracking device would concern me much.


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## DownByTheRiver

Casual Observer said:


> Not sure, if my wife was unfaithful and I needed to rebuild my trust in her, that the legality of a tracking device would concern me much.


I wouldn't stay with anyone who spied on me like that.. that just means the trust is already gone and that there is too much insecurity to live with. Of course if she agrees to it, it's not illegal.


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## BeyondRepair007

DownByTheRiver said:


> I wouldn't stay with anyone who spied on me like that.. that just means the trust is already gone and that there is too much insecurity to live with. Of course if she agrees to it, it's not illegal.


If I (hypothetically) cheated on my wife and was in full remorse about that. And I would do anything to make it up to her. Then I would practically beg her to do anything and everything to make sure she felt comfortable with my activities and who I was taking to. That’s the whole idea of transparency.

A tracking device? Have at it with my blessings, I’ll even buy and install for you.
Whatever she would need to help start rebuilding trust, or more so confidence that I am safe.


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## DownByTheRiver

BeyondRepair007 said:


> If I (hypothetically) cheated on my wife and was in full remorse about that. And I would do anything to make it up to her. Then I would practically beg her to do anything and everything to make sure she felt comfortable with my activities and who I was taking to. That’s the whole idea of transparency.
> 
> A tracking device? Have at it with my blessings, I’ll even buy and install for you.
> Whatever she would need to help start rebuilding trust, or more so confidence that I am safe.


And then there's Uber.


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## Casual Observer

DownByTheRiver said:


> I wouldn't stay with anyone who spied on me like that.. that just means the trust is already gone and that there is too much insecurity to live with. Of course if she agrees to it, it's not illegal.


I totally get that. That’s how I’d feel. But I haven’t, and would never consider, cheating. I might have a different take on what I’d have to put up with if I was. Maybe.


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## BeyondRepair007

DownByTheRiver said:


> And then there's Uber.


True that.
Where there’s a will there’s a way.


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## DownByTheRiver

BeyondRepair007 said:


> True that.
> Where there’s a will there’s a way.


There is no way to monitor someone to the point where you can be assured they are not cheating. They could be cheating and the supply closet at work. They could be cheating when they go pick up the kids from school. They could be meeting someone at the grocery store and blowing them in the parking lot. It's a fruitless effort.


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## BeyondRepair007

DownByTheRiver said:


> There is no way to monitor someone to the point where you can be assured they are not cheating. They could be cheating and the supply closet at work. They could be cheating when they go pick up the kids from school. They could be meeting someone at the grocery store and blowing them in the parking lot. It's a fruitless effort.


It is a false sense of security if a BS isn’t aware of this.
But R never even gets started if a WS resists monitoring or transparency at all.

In this case, the WW could beg for monitoring and I’d still bet my bottom dollar she would cave inside of a year, monitoring or not.


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## TexasMom1216

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It is a false sense of security if a BS isn’t aware of this.
> But R never even gets started if a WS resists monitoring or transparency at all.
> 
> In this case, the WW could beg for monitoring and I’d still bet my bottom dollar she would cave inside of a year, monitoring or not.


Besides, how utterly exhausting. If your relationship has deteriorated to the point where you're always checking up on them and constantly worried, there's no trust. There's nothing to save.


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## Casual Observer

DownByTheRiver said:


> There is no way to monitor someone to the point where you can be assured they are not cheating. They could be cheating and the supply closet at work. They could be cheating when they go pick up the kids from school. They could be meeting someone at the grocery store and blowing them in the parking lot. It's a fruitless effort.


If they know you’re monitoring them, and how, then yes, they can evade. But unless they’re reading up on how people have verified their spouses were cheating on TAM, I don’t think they’d see it coming.

The cheating mindset depends upon a belief they can deceive. They think they’re smarter than their spouse. They might start out being very careful but let their guard down over time. They won’t see a VAR or tracking device coming. Because THEY are the King or Queen of sneakiness and subterfuge.


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## DownByTheRiver

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It is a false sense of security if a BS isn’t aware of this.
> But R never even gets started if a WS resists monitoring or transparency at all.
> 
> In this case, the WW could beg for monitoring and I’d still bet my bottom dollar she would cave inside of a year, monitoring or not.


I just don't think healthy reconciliation happens unless the betrayed spouse knows why the other one cheated and accepts it as a valid reason or something they themselves might do under the circumstances. 

Living with distrust is just miserable. But for some people, maybe it's not as important as it is with others that they strayed and lied. Maybe for some they knew that about them before they married them and it wasn't a deal breaker. 

I think if either person is miserable, no point in living like that when you could just get out.


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