# Sex - Get vs. Do



## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

How come so many people (men) on here talk about sex being something they "get" (or don't get) from their wifes / partner?

I don't understand this line of thinking at all. Sex is something you DO as a couple, an activity you both choose to do. 

Why do so many people make it into being something that "she" has to be willing to give vs just viewing it as something you do together? 

When you view it as something you "get" or "don't get" from one partner it seems to elevate it to the status of a job or duty for one partner, a burden on them to have to "give" or "allow".


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Perhaps if their drives are mismatched, one has to work hard to "get" the other to go along. If their drives are matched, it's just something you do because you want to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *jdd said: **Sex is something you DO as a couple, an activity you both choose to do.
> 
> Why do so many people make it into being something that "she" has to be willing to give vs just viewing it as something you do together?*


Although my husband would agree with your viewing here...100% ....*NOW*.....back in the day when my brain was scattered on other things (conceiving, kids, house projects)...he would say it didn't seem I was so into it...the whole mismatched Libido thing...(he wanted it more than me)

He was very sensitive in sex...I am going to say MORE THAN MOST MEN.....if he felt the slightest hesitation from me, he would feel it was hollow...so his way of dealing would have been ...*"she doesn't want it as much as me ~ restrain your rover...tomorrow is another day"*......vs now days..."She's always ready to roll "... which surely made a difference in his "going for it"....that feeling of "bring it on -mutuality"..

He failed to realize us women can be like a "crock pot"...maybe since I always initiated... I don't know... this was where he missed it...as any time he tried...worked through just a smidget of hesitation...he GOT what he was after....turning me on where I wouldn't let go.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Seems like a criticism of the choice of words rather than the idea behind them.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I like this idea! Sex isn't something you get, but you something you do. When you change the foundation, the whole project changes.

"I want to share my love with you" comes across very different from "I want to get some sex."

But, both spouses would have to be on the same page regarding sex annddddd that doesn't seem to be the case very often.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Perhaps if their drives are mismatched, one has to work hard to "get" the other to go along. If their drives are matched, it's just something you do because you want to.


This seems correct to me. From the perspective of the "gatekeeper" spouse, it's a "do" situation", vs from the perspective of the spouse that wants more than the other, it's a "get" situation. When both parties are on the same page, it's a "do" for both.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

That's how most of us are raised.To believe when a female has sex she's "giving it up". That's why so many women are not into the idea of sex I feel.The man is taking something from them when it happens. They're giving up something of themselves.

I think if more people were raised to understand having sex doesn't mean you're giving something up we'd all be a lot happier


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I am too old and cranky to bother with the hidden meaning behind words.

When I am horny as hell I will send him a txt asking if he is going to put out that night. Yes I objectify him, yes he loves it, yes it is fine if he does it to me.
I get sex = I am happy.
I don't get sex = I am not so happy so the man must put out.

Life is all good here


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

jdd said:


> When you view it as something you "get" or "don't get" from one partner it seems to elevate it to the status of a job or duty for one partner, a burden on them to have to "give" or "allow".


In a sexually mismatched relationship, this is precisely the situation, and the problem.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> ...he would say it didn't seem I was so into it...*the whole mismatched Libido thing.*..(he wanted it more than me)


I agree this may be the root of the problem in many many cases. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that it is more the attitude that I see from people over and over in posts and in society in general.

When I see this problem on here in posts, it often seems as though people are using sex or namely withholding of to get something else they want from the relationship.



SimplyAmorous said:


> He was very sensitive in sex...I am going to say MORE THAN MOST MEN.....if he felt the slightest hesitation from me, he would feel it was hollow...so his way of dealing would have been ..


I totally agree there is a very strong emotional component to this situation. For some people it's not just having a partner that is willing, they are looking for someone to be fully into.



SimplyAmorous said:


> He failed to realize us women can be like a "crock pot"...maybe since I always initiated... I don't know... this was where he missed it...as any time he tried...worked through just a smidget of hesitation...he GOT what he was after....turning me on where I wouldn't let go.


This feels like it was mainly just a learning about each other type of situation where once he figured it out, it was all good.


I think ScarletBegonias articulated well what I was trying to get at:



ScarletBegonias said:


> That's how most of us are raised.To believe when a female has sex she's "giving it up". That's why so many women are not into the idea of sex I feel.The man is taking something from them when it happens. They're giving up something of themselves.
> 
> I think if more people were raised to understand having sex doesn't mean you're giving something up we'd all be a lot happier


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> That's how most of us are raised.To believe when a female has sex she's "giving it up". That's why so many women are not into the idea of sex I feel.The man is taking something from them when it happens. They're giving up something of themselves.
> 
> I think if more people were raised to understand having sex doesn't mean you're giving something up we'd all be a lot happier


Yes, This is exactly what I was trying to get at, thank you for the articulation.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

When things are good in the sex department its something two people do together because they desire each other.

Sadly many on this board don't live in that kind of world and.would love to have mutual desire and attraction but do not.

Its a delicate balance. If your partner is constantly trying to get out of sex and acts like they cant wait for it to be over - this is certainly not a situation of sharing an experience together.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

..The idea of the woman *"giving herself"* to the man she loves at the appropriate time is deeply imbedded in the *Romantic view* of sexuality, I don't have a problem with this....or feel this is a wrong view ....It's MY view while dating.....it depends on what sex means to the individual ...
I am purely speaking here BEFORE we marry though... so it starts there....

Men are on the prowl and many have no problem separating Sex from Love... not all of us feel this way....I would not be happy with myself sleeping with a guy who just wanted to get off, I would feel very used and pi$$ed off....it means far more to me... it represents forever. 

Now having said that... once love is found, shared, the relationship is established, enjoyed in all it's fullness...Then I feel differently...we are ONE... united.. in this together... communication, understanding, loving and pleasing each other...

...I'd even go as far as to say.... his body is mine and MINE IS HIS... there is no more boundaries...gate keeping or any such thing...nor should there be....(unless there is tension/ fighting for a time & until this is resolved, which should be quickly so a couple is at peace again with each other)... Make up sex is goooood!

In case you missed this thread of mine jdd... I had a little spat with my husband ..... dismayed his sex drive wasn't as high as mine one day.... we always keep talking ......and sometimes we have some funny conversations... which led to this thread...this pretty much sums up how I/we feel about marital sex...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...allowing-our-partner-turn-us-love-making.html


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Holland said:


> I am too old and cranky to bother with the hidden meaning behind words.
> 
> I get sex = I am happy.


:iagree:

It really is just that simple for me (a woman), if my man is "doing me" on a regular basis I am happy and all the petty annoyances of life seem ... well, petty.

Unfortunately, my H doesn't "get" this concept.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

jdd said:


> How come so many people (men) on here talk about sex being something they "get" (or don't get) from their wifes / partner?
> 
> I don't understand this line of thinking at all. Sex is something you DO as a couple, an activity you both choose to do.
> 
> ...


I think you answered your own question here. Look at it this way, women have always used sex as a "Reward Mechanism" and unfortunately a control and sometimes manipulative mechanism as well.
Men have become for the most part accustomed to accepting it this way. Hence the "get" mentality around sex. You "get" sex after doing this or that or that. Same with the "I give him sex regularly" when it's convenient but "he wants sex" when it's not. One can argue for both sides but at the end of the day you touched a valid question there.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

aston said:


> I think you answered your own question here. Look at it this way, women have always used sex as a "Reward Mechanism" and unfortunately a control and sometimes manipulative mechanism as well.


Sex in my marriage was the reward for proving myself worthy of the getting. My wife required that we not have sex prior to the wedding, believing that a man of quality would be willing to wait until the vows were exchanged.

It was very much a reward mechanism. It worked, too, for her part, though not so much for me.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Cletus said:


> .....It worked, too, for her part, though not so much for me.


NUFF said :lol: ...and I assume she was a virgin when you got married?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

aston said:


> NUFF said :lol: ...and I assume she was a virgin when you got married?


Close enough - one prior, which she regretted and vowed to not repeat. 

I was young and didn't realize that some people have very, very vanilla tastes in sex, and she didn't know that anyone liked chocolate (or that chocolate even existed, for that matter).

I did get my reward, and continue to get my reward, at least as she perceives it. I can still 28 years later tomorrow guarantee that a day of doing work for her benefit is the surest route to sex that night. It's my reward and her aphrodisiac.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Close enough - one prior, which she regretted and vowed to not repeat.
> 
> I was young and didn't realize that some people have very, very vanilla tastes in sex, and she didn't know that anyone liked chocolate (or that chocolate even existed, for that matter).
> 
> I did get my reward, and continue to get my reward, at least as she perceives it. I can still 28 years later tomorrow guarantee that a day of doing work for her benefit is the surest route to sex that night. It's my reward and her aphrodisiac.


That makes you part of the few within the few


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Now having said that... once love is found, shared, the relationship is established, enjoyed in all it's fullness...Then I feel differently...we are ONE... united.. in this together... communication, understanding, loving and pleasing each other...
> 
> ...I'd even go as far as to say.... *his body is mine and MINE IS HIS... there is no more boundaries...gate keeping or any such thing...nor should there be*....(unless there is tension/ fighting for a time & until this is resolved, which should be quickly so a couple is at peace again with each other)... Make up sex is goooood!



What a perfect view in my opinion. This just makes so much sense. I love the phrase "gate keeping" that you use, that is a good description of what seems to go on in many cases.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

jdd said:


> How come so many people (men) on here talk about sex being something they "get" (or don't get) from their wifes / partner?
> 
> I don't understand this line of thinking at all. Sex is something you DO as a couple, an activity you both choose to do.
> 
> ...


I think they're terms used by people who feel deprived of sufficient physical intimacy.

For me, it isn't something I do, get or give. Physical intimacy is something I _share_ with my SO as naturally as eating, drinking, sleeping and breathing.


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## Rugby (Dec 21, 2013)

I am of the opinion that it derives from the biological differences between men and women. Obviously there are many relationships in which the woman would like more sex; however, the empirical evidence and scientific data show that it is the woman who tires of monogamous sex before the man does. Hence the more typical outcome of men complaining of too little sex rather than those complaints coming from the woman. 

Controlled studies have shown that most women become bored or indifferent to their male partner sexually after about three years. The results of the studies yield only average outcomes, but they are statistically significant outcomes. The same studies show that the woman's level of lust for her partner is as high if not higher on average than the man's before her drive plummets. Most of the data was derived while seeking the so-called female Viagra. So, I think the term get reflects the way many monogomous men and women feel about sex. I am monogomous and have often felt this way. Most of the issues we have derive from the basic disparity in our sex drives, with mine being higher than hers. Basic biochemistry is not always the determinant in these sorts of things, but often it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm just going to be real with you. When you're not getting it, you don't give a F about the semantics. Doing vs. Getting? The end result is the same if sex isn't happening n'est ce pas?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

An interesting thing happened very early on in my relationship with my STBW. She tried the whole "If you do this, I'll give you a bj." It was said playfully, and with a smile, but I shut that sh1t down in a hurry and let her know that sex was not something I could be bribed or manipulated with. I didn't do what she wanted, and got the bj anyway.

Not saying one thing led to another, but sex in our relationship hasn't been used as a manipulation tool. She has jokingly said similar things since, and my response is always that she'd still do me anyway, and she always agrees.


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