# Tell me I will be ok



## Illflyaway (Nov 12, 2010)

I've been reading through these forums for a few weeks now...but now I don't know what to do.

Last night, my fiance (we have been together for 15 years) told me that we are better off as friends than lovers. I am devastated. This started three weeks ago when I noticed that he had been quiet and I asked him what was wrong. He then proceeded to tell me that although he loved me, he didn't know who he was anymore and that the last 10 years he had been unhappy. 

It is hard for me to even breathe. Please, please, please...tell me I'll be ok.


----------



## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

Illflyaway said:


> I've been reading through these forums for a few weeks now...but now I don't know what to do.
> 
> Last night, my fiance (we have been together for 15 years) told me that we are better off as friends than lovers. I am devastated. This started three weeks ago when I noticed that he had been quiet and I asked him what was wrong. He then proceeded to tell me that although he loved me, he didn't know who he was anymore and that the last 10 years he had been unhappy.
> 
> It is hard for me to even breathe. Please, please, please...tell me I'll be ok.


You will be okay. I know it is hard to believe, but it is better to know this now before you get married. While you have been together for a very long time, I think that being married adds another layer that makes it harder. 
I am currently going through a separation after being unhappy since i got married almost 2 1/2 years ago. Hang in there, it will be hard, but you can do it. Do you really want to be with someone that is not happy with you? Have you figure out whether YOU are happy? Is this what YOU want too? Sometimes we are so afraid of letting someone go, that we forget whether this is really what we want to. Take some time and figure out what YOU want.

Good luck!


----------



## Illflyaway (Nov 12, 2010)

Thank you for the kind words. It was just such a shock. I think it will take me awhile to figure out what makes me happy.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You are going to be okay. Here's a big HUG  Do you think he could be seeing someone else? Fifteen years is a lot of time to just walk away from.


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Illflyaway, i'm so sorry to read that you ae going through this.. I know how hard it is to hear the words " I love you, but am not in Love with you" and the pain associated with them... I too heard them a few years back. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through...... but I am here to tell you that you will be fine and a smile with cross your face again... 

It might not seem that way now but believe me, you can and will be happy again. I was with my ex for almost 16 years when she told me those exact words... not as nicely as I have said them but the same none the less.. Do something for yourself, go out with friends.. if you dont have many, joing a club or take some classes. I did all of those and it helped greatly..

and speaking from experience.. it sounds as if you have been replaced.. sorry to be so blunt, but if you look hard enough the truth will reveal itelf........ I wish you the best and I will say a prayer for you... Hang in there..... it will get better 

Skin........


----------



## Honolulu (Oct 15, 2010)

If you are like me, you will have good days where the hurt isn't so bad and bad days where you want to cry and hide from it all, angry days where you blame him for ruining your life, and finally days of self loathing for being so dumb that you didn't notice things going wrong.

The main thing to know is...it's not your fault. There's probably nothing you did to make him unhappy with himself or with you. He's being selfish and uncaring. He's doing this so he can have freedom because he thinks he wants a different whatever....life (i.e. woman).

I agree getting out and seeing friends would help...even though it's probably the last thing you feel like doing! Hang in there!!


----------



## Illflyaway (Nov 12, 2010)

Thank you all for the kind words. 

Although I don't have any concrete proof, (he deletes text messages from certain people, etc.), I do believe there is someone else. I hate even typing that...I just wish he would tell me the truth. I know I may never now, but I want to know that I'm not crazy. 

I guess I need to stop focusing on the cheating and realize that I need to deal with this. Problem is...he is not moving out (we own a townhouse together). I am staying away as much as possible, but I don't know what to do about the living situation.


----------



## manilikefuff (Nov 17, 2010)

is there not somewhere he can stay and then you can sell your house, take half each and start again somewhere new, I think that would be best anyway, you dont want to stay in a house with all your memories, you need to make new memories somewhere else 

good luck x


----------



## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

Staying under the same roof is so hard to do. This once-familiar person suddenly becomes a stranger and every little thing carries (or at least seems to carry) a deeper, more hurtful meaning. One of you has to get out of there and go live somewhere else. Even though I initiated our split, every time he left the room I was in, I would break down in torrents of tears until eventually I had a little panic attack and hyperventilated. It is unhealthy so please start looking for somewhere to rent or talk to him about the prospect of him moving out. And you both need some counselling now. Hugs to you.


----------



## Guy43 (Nov 24, 2010)

My wife just left after 14.5 years of marriage. I feel that I was the nice guy, always doing what was right for our kids - (her 3 boys and our daughter). She suffers from major depression and really bad mood swings - she has seen counseling, but she states she just needs to be happy with herself before she can be happy with us. Well, we are going on 2 weeks, and things are getting easier to go on without her. There is sadness in the house, but no tension or depression. Did I mention that we have filed for an uncontested divorce and I get our daughter - and her boys want to stay with me. Makes me feel like I did something right. Well, nice guys finish last, but the point is, you will get over him in time. Pick yourself up, and realize that there is someone out there who will care about you. Remember to take care of yourself first. That confidence will attract a guy worthy of your time.


----------



## Illflyaway (Nov 12, 2010)

Just thought I would give a quick update on things. Again..thanks for all the thoughts, words and prayers.

I am not on such a rollercoaster anymore. I definitely have my moments and sometimes they last longer than I'd like, but I am beginning to realize that this wasn't all my fault. It is hard because, financially, I have to stay in the house until we sell it and he doesn't seem to be leaving anytime soon. It is actually getting easier because I am starting to reconnect with friends, getting exercise, etc. 

Is it normal to still want to know the truth about him cheating? I know that I can't make him tell me, but I just don't know why I feel that I have to know. Maybe so that I won't feel so crazy?


----------

