# Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...



## smartcookie25

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My husband and I have been married for 12 years and lately there were some things that have come up from years of him being controlling and demeaning and just plain verbally and mentally abusive not horrible but still there. In the past 7 months we have not been intimate and for reasons of his behavior in the past just making the whole process a negative experience for me. Well I just recently found on his computer that he has been secretly videotaping me for his personal pleasure I assume when I am in our closet dressing and in the bathroom showering. This has been a very disturbing discovery for me and I don't know what to do next? I know I confronted him before and he told me it was wrong and he shouldn't have done it but somehow he justified it because it was in our house and it was me and not an affair or anything but it continued because i found more since he told me he wouldn't do it anymore. I just don't know what to do next??/ Think its time for divorce...


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## nice777guy

In many states, its illegal to tape (audio) someone without their knowledge, so I would think the same would likely apply here.

Do a little research. Regardless of what you find, tell him its illegal and threaten to call the police and have him arrested the next time he does it. Or, take his webcam or whatever he's taping you with away from him.

Not convinced its "divorce" time - but this behavior certainly HAS to stop.


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## smartcookie25

Thanks for the reply nice777...there is a whole lot more to the story as to why i am thinking divorce. He has harrassed and bullied me sexually for the past at least 6 years from talking me into taking pics for him and i know he posted them to the internet and always over the top with sex and what i was wearing and he would stalk me everyday about what i was wearing it got real bad and all of this while my mother was dying. so much...i am just at the end of my rope i believe - and then to catch him once taping me and to admit to me and our therapist how wrong it was and that - that behavior would never happen again??? i just think he has a problem and i dont think i have the time or the energy to cope anymore :-(


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## 827Aug

Can you move out or go stay with someone? That would certainly deny him access to filming. It would be interesting to see how he would react. What he is doing is just wrong!


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## smartcookie25

I dont seem to be getting much feedback....

But I dont know I just feel in my gut its wrong!!! Trust is gone now....

827 there are children involved so its hard to pick up and leave espescially when they are not in danger and he is a good father and provider in that sense, but thats not enough now and I am just having a hard time forgiving is one thing but there has just been too much to forget! its just such a hard decision to make...ugh


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## BigB

Your husband is a porn addict and his distinction between fantasy and reality is blurred. Since he is an addict, he will go through a withdrawal phase in which he will do irrational things. My fear is that one of these things will be releasing your naked pics and videos to people who know you and matter to you. I know it is illegal but he will not be able to distinguish between legal/illegal and right/wrong. 
Try to find out where he stores your videos and pictures and delete them. Also, find out with sweet talk if he has them backed up in storage devices like DVD, portable HDD et al. Destroy them too. Do not just take them away - destroy them!
I agree with 827 that you have to leave him but not before you safeguard yourself by getting hold of anything that he might use to hurt you in desperation.


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## smartcookie25

I believe BigB that's what he is doing or already has done exposed it out there in Internet land! ugh...the whole thing is just twisted to me but maybe I am just on the reserved side - I just don't know how I managed to last this long - its been an exhausting haul to always try to satisfy him in that regard and after losing a parent i just snapped and haven't been right since! Life it too short to live it for someone else and if I stay I feel that would be the case and to disrespect me this way just makes it that much more worse and to lie also. He does have an addiction he will deny it though.


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## turnera

I would make all the computers and other electronics in the house 'disappear.'

Then I would tell him he has ONE chance left to stay married to you, and that is on your terms.


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## nice777guy

turnera said:


> I would make all the computers and other electronics in the house 'disappear.'
> 
> Then I would tell him he has ONE chance left to stay married to you, and that is on your terms.


As long as you aren't putting yourself in danger, this sounds like a pretty good idea.

You are not "too reserved" - this is definitely wrong and I'm 99% sure its illegal.


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## smartcookie25

Well the latest is he said it was wrong back in April and said he would never do it again....guess what a week ago he was still recording me! ugh...i have just had it - to me there is no justification for this I'm sorry! so i copied it without his knowledge and feel i need to figure out how to end this toxic relationship!


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## Advocado

I'm sorry to know what you are going through and sorry to bring this up but can you be sure that you are the only person he has been secretly filming - e.g. who else might take a shower and end up being filmed?

I don't have any answers for you but something must be done - this behaviour is totally unacceptable, demeaning and unforgiveable. You deserve better.


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## turnera

I would start with telling his parents and siblings.


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## smartcookie25

His parents are deceased...and his brother could care less and lives out of state - I and the children are basically it....which is why this is even harder for me - he already has abandoment issues from childhood but things have been bad for so long and now this...I just know in my heart I cannot recover from this - this is wrong.


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## turnera

Best friend? Pastor? Uncle? The only way he will ever get help is if he is exposed. Whether you stay or not (and I don't recommend it), you could help him by exposing it.


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## smartcookie25

You dont recommend staying or leaving turnera? cause im heading for the door with this one....how can you possible accept behavior like this? or forget?


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## turnera

I don't do deviant, nor creepy disrespect, so if it was my husband I would be gone. But I understand others have different tolerances.


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## Advocado

Have you investigated whether there are any means of detecting whether or not a room is bugged with a camera/microphone. 
Maybe some of the technical people on here can offer some advice on this.

At least if you are not ready to leave yet you could use a detector to ensure there is no further filming.


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## reachingshore

Read this. Apparently this may be some sort of a fetish for certain men (posting wife's pics online, specifically without her knowledge). Addictive too.

I personally feel that being taped would be OK, for me. My big/huge/enormous problem however would be the part about posting/sharing such pics/video.


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## Bluemoon7

No, it is not acceptable, EVER. Even if it is your spouse. Besides wrong, it is very likely illegal. Honestly, I find your husbands behavior disgusting. In feel so bad for you and how you've been violated. He can't be trusted in the worst way.

Step 1. Find the videos and DELETE, if possible. 

Step 2. Kick him out. Someone should go, and he's the one behaving badly. Let him know that his behavior is illegal. 

Whatever happens, it's going to have to be drastic. Obviously if he was caught once, promised to stop in April and is at it again, the problem is deep. Is he addicted? Feels entitled? Oversexed and selfish?


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## smartcookie25

Can anyone recommend a good keylogging software?? And how difficult is it to do it remotely?? Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

I believe you have to have the computer in your possession, for long enough to upload the software. THEN, you can direct it to send you the logs to your own email and computer.


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## smartcookie25

turnera said:


> I believe you have to have the computer in your possession, for long enough to upload the software. THEN, you can direct it to send you the logs to your own email and computer.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smartcookie25

I just want to be sure that whatever I use he can't detect it I can get some alone time with it just not sure what program to use?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smartcookie25

update this past weekend it came out that I knew that he had continued to tape me after he said he stopped so i never got to do the keylogging - which is probably for the best anyway. bottom line is i know he has a problem and he admitted it and is ashamed and etc. - so he left to go to his brothers - now i don't know what to do because i still care for him allot as i have really been feeling it since he left but it is for the right reasons and i know no-one on here can give me the answer but i just don't know if i should let him seek help for his problem and give a shot or if i should just work through this and try to find a better place for myself and children on the other side?? i mean a month ago i couldn't wait for him to go....i guess these are just normal emotions to have? i just don't know how to proceed....any insight or personal discovery comments appreciated  and how long should i give myself alone and if he does come back what boundaries to set? i guess i can speak to my therapist about this also and he is currently working with husband on his issues.


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## turnera

At least he's being honest. You have to know such an issue won't be fixed overnight. I don't know what to tell you. I do know that, personally, if my H had that issue, I wouldn't allow him around my kids. It's a sickness, and such sicknesses often get worse and lead you on a darker path. But that's just me.


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## Advocado

Turnera :iagree: and this is what I alluded to in my earlier post



Advocado said:


> can you be sure that you are the only person he has been secretly filming - e.g. who else might take a shower and end up being filmed?


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## Skipper

I am going to step out on a limb here with my first post. First divorce is the nuclear bomb option, it does not fix things, it stops things by breaking them. It will alter everyone's life after, often times for the worst. It should be the option of last resort. Thinking about this from a guys perspective, we tend to show off things we are proud of. Take a new motorcycle, sports car etc, the first thing guys do is show them off. I would think you husband is totally into you physically, so much so he wants to show you off. This does not mean he will tape others, have an affair etc. It's obviously not what you want and at best your embarrassed, rightfully so. I would confront him and ask him, does this turn you on and why. Find out what else he might enjoy that you would be willing do and offer that up for him to stop and let him know if it does not stop you will be gone forever. This would provide a combination of positive reinforcement along with negative reinforcement for him to stop the behavior. Just my .02


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## The_Good_Wife

I have videotaped my husband with my cellphone when he yells at me or is being abusive. Of course he doesn't know about it, but I am hoping to get a divorce soon and if he gives me any problems with the divorce or starts acting like the angel everyone thinks he is I have the videos/recordings that prove the oposite.

What your husband is doing is just sick though.


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## unbelievable

Secretly videotaping someone is illegal because it's a violation of their privacy, their dignity, their right to be secure in their own person, etc. His justification is that it's ok because you're his wife??? Why on earth would someone believe a complete stranger was entitled to better treatment than their own spouse? I should care more for my wife's feelings than for some stranger's.


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## Entropy3000

smartcookie25 said:


> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 12 years and lately there were some things that have come up from years of him being controlling and demeaning and just plain verbally and mentally abusive not horrible but still there. In the past 7 months we have not been intimate and for reasons of his behavior in the past just making the whole process a negative experience for me. Well I just recently found on his computer that he has been secretly videotaping me for his personal pleasure I assume when I am in our closet dressing and in the bathroom showering. This has been a very disturbing discovery for me and I don't know what to do next? I know I confronted him before and he told me it was wrong and he shouldn't have done it but somehow he justified it because it was in our house and it was me and not an affair or anything but it continued because i found more since he told me he wouldn't do it anymore. I just don't know what to do next??/ Think its time for divorce...


Not defending him and not attacking him. Others can do that. 

I do get it though. Without any other information provided he is sexually frustrated. He could turn to porn or worse. But you are the object of his interest.

I do think you should look at divorce because now you relationship is one of conflict and so on. You are not having sex. So why are you staying together at all now? Do you wish to reconsile?

I would be more worried that he was the type that videos his wife and uploads them to internet sites. If he is not you could choose to be less offended and more compassionate as to why he would do this. Not saying you should but there is clearly soem disfunction here. Again I think if it has come to what is legal in whose house you should not be living together at all. I get that you feel controlled and maybe violated. 

Was there a time in your marriage where you were ok with pictures / videos? Yes I understand the difference here. Do you go out of your way to make sure your husband does not see you in the nude?

You could decide to work on the rott cause issues in your marriage.


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## Skipper

Here is another thought, marriage vows contain; "for better or for worse", "for richer or poorer" and "for in sickness and in health". Why so many of us seem willing to exclude mental health from the sickness referenced in vows?

I say that because if it is an addiction or compuction it is a sickness, others have said what he is doing is "sick". Loving someone and being married is not easy.

I wonder if you are indeed his only hope of getting better and if so what does divorce do for that?

None of us can know the full dynamics and what is best, support is what you deserve but often we get wrong even dangerous advice. If I were to leave the marriage I could only do so after I believe I did all that could be done to prevent that and that it was necessary for the lives and safety of all involved.


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## J'Accused

As the husband in question in this post, it should be clarified that my wife left out several important facts. That my wife was caught sending topless pictures of herself to a 22 years old(15 years her younger)bodybuilder she met online. I was so devastated by this I didnt know how to react, I was at our therapist when she did this, she told this kid her name, our relationship issues, saying she hasnt been attracted to me in years, and where she lived, now who was being reckless? she claimed she had a xanax and a wine cooler and thats why she did it, so I wanted to believe her, but like Reagan said "trust but verify" and no less than 3 weeks later while I was taking a shower my wife went into our closet with her camera phone, and a pair o f sexy underwear hidden in a towel, put on seethru panties and took pictures of herself in her mirror, removed the sexy lingerie, put back on the grannies, and acted liked nothing happened. Then when i confronted her with what she was doing with these pictures, she claims she was just "taking them for herself", ok who believes that? Truth is my wife developed several inappropriate relationships on social media but it is strange how these inconveinant fact were never mentioned in her story of woe. She is obsessed with bodybuilders. BTW not one, not a single frame of video I took of her EVER went on the internet, sorry the facts got in the way of a good story. The funny thing is I still love her, I just wanted to wipe away and forgive, but she was dealing with grief issues and acting out long before this stuff. So she is divorcing me now and it is ugly and sad and it didnt have to be that way, Imagine if she just treated me, the man who sacrificed and worked and loved her for 20 years, the same way she treated the 22 year old bodybuilder Anthony, or George from the dating sire or Evan from the dating sire or John the guy on facebook from California who she would discuss our relationship issues with, we might actually be happy


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## J'Accused

Its not illegal


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## turnera

Are you saying you are smartcookie's husband?


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## J'Accused

Yes


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## J'Accused

"As long as you aren't putting yourself in danger, this sounds like a pretty good idea.

You are not "too reserved" - this is definitely wrong and I'm 99% sure its illegal."

ahh no, its not illegal to use surveillance in your own home. I love how most of the people here render judgement without hearing all the facts. I want you people to wrap your head around this one, in 2004 I was told by my wife she didnt want to have intimacy with me because she didnt want to get pregnant because of her 14k worth of plastic surgery i just paid for and "ruin her body" then in 2011 she tells our therapist shes not sexually attracted to me because she knows I cant get her pregnant and she wants me to get a reverse vasectomy to ignite her attraction. But its me right?
I admit I was an imperfect husband but i will not apologize for being attracted physically to my wife, I dont drink or do drugs, go to nudie bars o cheat on my wife, Im a great provider and when her mother was sick I stepped up with our children even more than usual so my wife could tend to her mother, and what did i want in return? a little affection, some affirmation that she still was attracted to me, but who gets the flirty emails and topless picture, Anthony the 22 year old body builder, maybe i will post the text of the instant messaging history to illustrate the point a little more. But im just screwed because i am old fashioned and do believe we were married in the eyes of God, so once this civil divorce is final I have a life of celibacy to look forward to because she is the great love of my life and I still would take a bullet for her.


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## EleGirl

Security videotaping in a closet? 

So we have two wildly different sides of the same story. We have no way of knowing which of the renditions is the truth. 


I hope that over time you fall out of love with her. Handle any issues you might have. And find someone who loves you.


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## keko

Why did you wait so long to reply?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## J'Accused

Just found the thread through googling. Elegirl, I will never fall out of love with her, she is the love of my life but she is damaged and when u love someone, you love them for their faults as much as their attributes. And there are not 2 wildly different stories, she sent topless pictures to a 22 year old guy online, I confronted her, she said she would stop i didnt believe her and caught her again doing it, trust was broken so i kept video taping her, my bad my mistake should have just let it go, people make mistakes, real love forgives and forgets, i was willing she wasnt simple as that


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## timeforpain

This thread = awkward.


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## EleGirl

J'Accused said:


> Just found the thread through googling. Elegirl, I will never fall out of love with her, she is the love of my life but she is damaged and when u love someone, you love them for their faults as much as their attributes. And there are not 2 wildly different stories, she sent topless pictures to a 22 year old guy online, I confronted her, she said she would stop i didnt believe her and caught her again doing it, trust was broken so i kept video taping her, my bad my mistake should have just let it go, people make mistakes, real love forgives and forgets, i was willing she wasnt simple as that


I disagree that you should have let it go. Yes people make mistakes. But you don't just let it go and let it continue while you are with her. For your own peace of mind, your own emotional wellbeing you cannot let someone continue to do things that hurt you. There is a time to set your boundaries and stand by them.


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## EleGirl

timeforpain said:


> This thread = awkward.


Usually we only get one side of the story here. Once in a while the other spouse comes on and then we get "the rest of the story".

Sometimes the stories are two sides of the same coin.

but sometimes they are so different that they are hard to reconcile.

When responding to posters on a forum like this one we can only support the person who is here based on what they tell us. This is why suggesting that people go to MC is a good idea because the MC will get both sides of the story.


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## keko

Have your wife post here as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## J'Accused

She is the one who started this thread, smartcookie25, is my wife


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## keko

That was years ago..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## J'Accused

Your point? I tried to reconcile, now its become a nasty destructive divorce situuation, I know it was years ago, thats why I am saying , i forgave and forgot, she didnt, people heal at different speeds


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

J'Accused said:


> Your point? I tried to reconcile, now its become a nasty destructive divorce situuation, I know it was years ago, thats why I am saying , i forgave and forgot, she didnt, people heal at different speeds


I agree with your STBXW.

It's disgusting and extremely violating. There is no excuse in the world to justify what you have done.

My ex did it to me, his behavior is very similar to yours. I'm so grateful I left when I did. It's been 18 years and my ex h is worse then ever with his abuse.


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## keko

J'Accused said:


> Your point? I tried to reconcile, now its become a nasty destructive divorce situuation, I know it was years ago, thats why I am saying , i forgave and forgot, she didnt, people heal at different speeds


Maybe we can help ease the tension between the two of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

So you were videotaping her for surveillance or for your own voyeuristic satisfaction? Is that how you found she sent the pi9cs to him?


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## turnera

What was your reasoning for videotaping her? I'm confused.


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## J'Accused

Let me address Iminlovewithmyhubby, when your spouse is caught exposing himself to some 22 year old when you are at therapy to try and make you a better wife all the while witholding intimacy from you then you can judge whats disgusting, she was putting our whole family in danger by exposing her face , name and address to some stranger on the internet. Was it the most Chrisitan response, probably not, and i understand bad behavior does not excuse bad behavior but since your ex did the same were u trolling the internet for bodybuilders too?. Now as for Tunera, what is so confusing when you have been with someone close to 20 years you develop a spider-sense just like when your children are lying to you, you know when your spouse is being less than truthful, and she did it again, not to say the ends justify the means, how else would I know if she was continuing in this behavior, hire private detective? wait until she actually hooked up with this guy, as she was planning? I didnt like having to do it, I wanted to believe her.As for Warlock I never would have done this until I discovered the pictures and IM text she had with this guy and the fact she was taking pictures of herself to get on a dating website called Beautiful People she even enlisted our children to take pictures for her to get on this site, it was an obsession for her, now whos disgusting? And one more thing for ImInlovewithmy hubby, Im only giving you the cliff note version of things that happen, how dare you compare your situation to mine, you have no clue of the sacrifices I have made to make this woman happy and to be treated like this was devastating aand FYI as late as last September I again apologized for taping her that I wish that I didnt do it, her response, just like yours, theres was nothing wrong with she was doing and she wasnt sorry for it one bit, Wow birds of a feather


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## J'Accused

And one other thing, Iminlovewithmyhubby, I viewed your multitude of responses on this site and the majority are "leave your husband" cant help but think that you have some issues that need to be sorted out, god help your current husband if he steps out line, your like that Daffy Duck cartoon, screaming "i want a divorce, i want a divorce" marriage is difficult and not for quitters, thats why you take "VOWS" better for worst richer for poorer sickness and health, if you dont mean them dont take them


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

J'Accused said:


> Let me address Iminlovewithmyhubby, when your spouse is caught exposing himself to some 22 year old when you are at therapy to try and make you a better wife all the while witholding intimacy from you then you can judge whats disgusting, she was putting our whole family in danger by exposing her face , name and address to some stranger on the internet. Was it the most Chrisitan response, probably not, and i understand bad behavior does not excuse bad behavior but since your ex did the same were u trolling the internet for bodybuilders too?. Now as for Tunera, what is so confusing when you have been with someone close to 20 years you develop a spider-sense just like when your children are lying to you, you know when your spouse is being less than truthful, and she did it again, not to say the ends justify the means, how else would I know if she was continuing in this behavior, hire private detective? wait until she actually hooked up with this guy, as she was planning? I didnt like having to do it, I wanted to believe her.As for Warlock I never would have done this until I discovered the pictures and IM text she had with this guy and the fact she was taking pictures of herself to get on a dating website called Beautiful People she even enlisted our children to take pictures for her to get on this site, it was an obsession for her, now whos disgusting? And one more thing for ImInlovewithmy hubby, Im only giving you the cliff note version of things that happen, how dare you compare your situation to mine, you have no clue of the sacrifices I have made to make this woman happy and to be treated like this was devastating aand FYI as late as last September I again apologized for taping her that I wish that I didnt do it, her response, just like yours, theres was nothing wrong with she was doing and she wasnt sorry for it one bit, Wow birds of a feather


Sorry, I still agree with your wife even if she was straying or looking to stray outside of the marriage. It's a sick thing to do. You may have apologized, but your still blaming her for your own actions. Your not taking full responsibility for this very big mistake. I'm not quite sure why you didn't serve her with papers when and if you found signs or evidence of infidelity on her part. We all make choices. 

I don't buy it though. My ex h paints a very bad picture of me. He makes up lies and pretty much accused me of being the problem in our marriage. Yet, he was highly abusive and extremely unfaithful. It was all my fault because "I was not intimate any longer". Of course I wasn't. Everyday I was being told how worthless I was. While sitting there crying, he would snap photos laughing at me telling me that everyone will see how stupid I looked. He ran me into the ground with his abuse, yet everything about it was my fault. I think not. It was one of the best days of my life to leave. He tells everyone I was the abusive one, yet he held me hostage in my home. He's the one who almost took the life of my daughter and I with his car. 

There was no way I was going to let a person control my life. I had it, so I left.

Life is very good now. I found a man I'm truly in love with. A man who respects me. A man that loves me with everything he has. We have had a wonderful 13 years together. A wonderful father to all our children, even to the child I brought into our marriage.

You'll be able to move on and start life with a new woman. We all learn from our mistakes.


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## J'Accused

No genius Im not blaming her for my actions, I said i should have not done it, but the ROOT CAUSE was her straying outside the marriage, which i guess is ok with you? and why didnt "I serve her with papers", like I said, people make mistakes, her own mother had serial affairs on her father but they forgave each other, good people can do bad things, you own up and you move on, I said I was an imperfect husband, my wife and I have been together since she was 19 years old and just last week in court she admitted she was just "tired being around me 24/7" so you can take your sanctimony somewhere else. Im not your ex-husband lady. Oh and I was so abusive to her that this time last year she wanted me to get a reverse vasectomy so we could have another baby together and I was going to get it, but I was controlling her right? she wasnt using sex as a weapon in our marriage right? i moved away from my home, relocated to her area so she could be near her family, but i was controlling right?. She had personal trainers, weekly massages, new car, new computer, house cleaners, when she was involved in her 1/2 marathons or mudruns, I was always there to support her with the kids and cheer her on. I accept my faults and mistakes and have said so several times on this thread so please dont throw around the word "sick" unless you are qualified to make such a medical determination. Plus im 44 years old and have already had open heart surgery so I may not have the luxury of another 13 years. I dont blame anyone for my faults i just dont want to be blamed for others, sounds like the good old fashione female double standard rule is applying here


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## Shaggy

So were you taping her to catch her cheating and sending nude photos to these men? Or where you doing to get nude shots of her?


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## J'Accused

former not latter, even though I still probably should not have done it, just let her go and be whatever, i just cared too much.


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## keko

You were too nice to her, thats the problem. Doing all of those things spoiled her and once she's divorced all of her plastic surgeries will only help her jump from one couch to another. She wont find another loving husband like you and will regret it. 

On the other hand you have to accept your marriage has been turned off for a long time and the sooner you realize that/act accordingly you'll be able to move on with your life much easier and faster.


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## J'Accused

Keko thank you, finally someone seems to see a fair assessment of what happened, your right, I provided a quality of life that was unsustainable and once I made a mistake I was done, because she probably only married me for security and to please her parents, i dont believe she as ever really passionate about me.


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## Catherine602

What ever happened here, you both have serious personal and relational problems. Neither of you have the high road. 

You and your wife engaged in activities that destabilized the lives of your children. Neither of you took the leadership as the adult in the relationship and stopped your pathology for the sake of the innocent souls you decided to bring into the world.

You are so busy behaving badly and pointing fingers at your wife that the people who really need attention are forgotten.

I have a question. Who is the adult in this? Who is taking charge for the sake of the children? Who has their best interest at heart.

From what I see, you don't. The best thing you can do is to accept that the marriage is over and do everything you can to bring stability into your children's lives. Forget about what you want or what your wife did or how you can't love anyone else. 

Be a good father. Get some therapy for your problems. Reading between the lines, I don't think what you were doing with your wife was healthy. Get yourself strait so that your kids have a model of a strong mentally stable man.


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## J'Accused

You right, there was a great deal of emotional immaturity on both parts, I wanted to get serious intensive marriage counseling, my wife didnt. I will accept the marriage is over when the papers are signed, i am an eternal optimist and have had actual miracles happen in my life, lots of marriage have suffered greater blows than this one and have thrived. I pray daily for my wife to heal for the sake of our children, who are beautiful and well adjusted, I am a great father, as my wife has described me in previous post on this thread and I am in therapy. I take umbrage with your assertion that i dont have my children's best interest in heart, that is my number 1 priority in my live and they are thriving, their attention have never been forgotten and I will say this about my wife she has been a caring , loving mother during this whole nasty process and as far as the "high ground" is concerned i wish i could send yo the legal motions that have been filed against me andthe baseless accusations thrown my way so you could see who has the children's best interest at heart, I offered her a fair settlement and quiet dignified split she choose to go for my jugular and who losses in that? the children


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## keko

Are you two living in the same house?


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## J'Accused

and as far as this statement "Forget about what you want or what your wife did or how you can't love anyone else" I will always go with love, love saved me from death at 37, love brought these 2 beautiful children in this world, and i will love her for the rest of my life i will not let her actions change who I am or betray the way I fee,l i did that once and regretted it, never again. I read between the lines fine too, again the man is always to blame, women dont do anything wrong do they? If only you knew


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## J'Accused

Keko, no she moved out last October after another close relative died, i will give her this she has suffered a huge amount of loss in the last 3years with people passing away, I belive it has something to do with our splitting, btw I got the kids


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## keko

So her relationship with the young body builder went physical?


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## turnera

Did you give the tapes to your lawyer? Or did you keep them?


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## J'Accused

Keko, no it never went physical, but was definitely heading that way.
Turnera, I destroyed them, my wife kept them and she brought them into the legal arena luckily I still had the photos and IM history she had with this guy and others, she is so hell bent to destroy me that she humiliated herself in open court, and anyone who knows anything about family court, the judges dont want to hear this stuff, they want negotiators especially because of the children. She had a family attorney who was working with mine to a fair settlement, than she changed lawyers, to a personal injury guy who had been reprimanded for ethical violations in 2010 by our state supreme court justice, and all hell broke loose. Now ive spent over 20k on attorney fees and we haven't even gone to discovery yet. That money could have gone to our children who will both need orthodontics in the near future. Im a public servant my salary is static, Im not rich, but my wife is so blinded by rage she does not care about the collateral damage


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## J'Accused

I will post some quotes from my wife from this very site from other threads to give some context

"he was always good to me didn't beat me etc. but here now I have grown to realize that he has inflicted the worst kind of abuse mental and emotional. During those years we had two beautiful children and lived an ok like there were many good times but I was always told I was uptight - a prude - frigid etc the list goes on....to the point where I thought hey there must be something wrong with me so I upped the anty and started taking pics for him that he swore for his personal viewing and at the time if it got him off my back - what the heck it gave me some time to breath and try to relax! but over the years of literally sucking it up and living to be something your not for this other person turns you bitter and resentful"


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## J'Accused

Re: have NEVER been attracted to husband
I can so relate to this and @ seahorse....its not that easy to walk away when you love someone and you feel like if you did its just a selfish act and that is very hard to deal with when there are kids involved....its just very sad!


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## Stonewall

If I assume everything you say is correct; I would have no ethical problem with surveillance in my home!


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## EleGirl

J'Accused said:


> I will post some quotes from my wife from this very site from other threads to give some context
> 
> "he was always good to me didn't beat me etc. but here now I have grown to realize that he has inflicted the worst kind of abuse mental and emotional. During those years we had two beautiful children and lived an ok like there were many good times but I was always told I was uptight - a prude - frigid etc the list goes on....to the point where I thought hey there must be something wrong with me so I upped the anty and started taking pics for him that he swore for his personal viewing and at the time if it got him off my back - what the heck it gave me some time to breath and try to relax! but over the years of literally sucking it up and living to be something your not for this other person turns you bitter and resentful"


So she felt tramatized in the marriage.


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## J'Accused

Right she "felt traumatized" part of which was the high standard she was living< ive worked with truly abused women, beaten, drugged sold into slavery, my wife can feel whatever she wants the FACTS are different even our therapist told me "she would be a very difficult person to be in a relationship with" she has an eating disorder, because of obesity issues in her adolescence, she is a hyper-excerciser were physical perfections her goal, she has deep issues, that i admit I havent been as supportive as i should have been. But abused? Traumatized? come on, didnt stop her from wanting to have another child with me in 2011


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## J'Accused

and very negative, see how she brushes over the good times and narrow focuses on the bad, I would submit the good far outweighed the bad but a negative person will always see the cloud not the silver lining


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## keko

Can you have her post here again?

She needs a little dose of reality instead of wasting funds on attorney's.


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## J'Accused

Keko, she threatened to have a restraining order against me if I contact her for any other reason then the children, she is lost to me, which is worst punishment than any court could dish out, because i still do love her. Heres another quote from her i found

" I deserve better than this! there comes a point when being a good father and provider just doest cut it - this is wrong behavior and he shouldn't get away with it."

shes not interested in anything but retribution, please pray for my family


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## EleGirl

J'Accused said:


> Right she "felt traumatized" part of which was the high standard she was living< ive worked with truly abused women, beaten, drugged sold into slavery, my wife can feel whatever she wants the FACTS are different even our therapist told me "she would be a very difficult person to be in a relationship with" she has an eating disorder, because of obesity issues in her adolescence, she is a hyper-excerciser were physical perfections her goal, she has deep issues, that i admit I havent been as supportive as i should have been. But abused? Traumatized? come on, didnt stop her from wanting to have another child with me in 2011


Did you tell her that she was uptight, a prude and frigid? Do you press her into taking pics of herself when she did not want to? 

No she was not abused to the extent you describe above, but she did feel apparently free that you were putting her down, pushing her to do things that she did not feel comfortable doing. That is tramatizing. 

Who cares if she felt tramatized? As her husband you should have cared.

I am no prude but I would never allow anyone to take or have nude pictures of me. It has to do with personal space and I know that often those photos get shared. 

I also do not allow anyone to but their hand on my neck. A man tried to kill me when I was 21 by strangling me. From that day on, no one touches my neck with their hand. It's a fear I cannot get over.

If someone does put their hand on my neck, as some have done, I am tramaized... it takes me right back to that night and I am fighting for my life again.

What seems like nonsense, uptight, prudish or frigid to the observer might feel like trama to the individual. The very fact that you down play your wife's feelings of trama because she was not sold into slavery (or whatever) is not a good sign. 

You may have given her a lot and worked hard for her... but it sounds like you also pushed her into doing things that she did not want to do. And then somewhere along the line she just cracked.

When the person you love says she feels tramatized, out of love you need to accept that this is the way she feels and stop doing what tramatizes her.


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## keko

sending you a private message.


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## J'Accused

If you read what she said, she went along WITHOUT voicing objection, so much for TRAUMA. I am not a mind reader, she suggested i take the pictures instead of having actual intimacy. Your right maybe at that point I should have realized there was something wrong. She was ok with me putting her pics on the net when we were making money off it, now she just regrets the decision, ok it was a bad one, but i certainly didnt force her, that's just a convienant coping mechanism to rationalize decisions she made and regrets. if I was that much of a Svengali then should wouldnt have left, because i would been able to use my magical influence over her to make her stay, come on we are talking about a woman who was in her 30's when this happened not a 19 year old. She felt having intimacy with me was traumatic anyone can claim they feel anyway, but a reasonable rational person can discuss their issue with their significant other not just use avoidance to sweep it under the rug until they explode


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## J'Accused

AND you keep forgetting she took nude pictures of herself and sent them to a 22 year old bodybuilder she met online, did i have something to do with that??????


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## J'Accused

Keko, got your message, appreciate the suggestion, maybe in the future but right now Im just too distraught especially after stumbling onto this site


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## Catherine602

I did not say that you were wrong. You are here and you wife is not, I thought you wanted assistance. Maybe you want to hear that you are right and she is wrong. You know that is not true. If she were here, I would take issue with the deception in her post and her cheating. 

Since you are here I commented on your problem. I think you are side stepping the issues in your marriage and you are not sincerely admitting that what you did was wrong. If you have done this in your relationship then you cannot expect your wife to admit her problems. 

At this point, the best thing to do is truly own your contribution to the demise of the relationship. Heal from it and be a stable man in your kids lives. 

Right now, you are not putting them first, you are too busy being right and seeing yourself as a victim. I don't think you are a victim, your wife may be deceptive in the marital negotiations but so have you.


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## Catherine602

Women do things to please their husbands and to keep the peace. They dont want to do it but get worn down by their husbands. Dose that make it their fault? Only to the extent that they did not have the mental strength to stand up to the demands of their husband. 

You know that posting pictures of women will hurt them and not the man. Yet theses men risk the phyche of the woman to satisfy some kink. women take the blame when they put themselves out to please a spouse who manipulates them. 

You should have protected her from harm. You know that the pictures and web was for your pleasure not hers. You know that if anyone came upon the pictures and recognized her she would be the one shamed. . 

Did your sex life involve you asking her for unusual sex act s that she did not want?, Were the pictures a lesser of two evils. Did they get you off her back? 

If the voyeurism and showing off your wife is any indication then that may have been why she stopped wanting sex with you.


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## dymo

Catherine602 said:


> Women do things to please their husbands and to keep the peace. They dont want to do it but get worn down by their husbands. Dose that make it their fault? Only to the extent that they did not have the mental strength to stand up to the demands of their husband.


I'm not so sure that's true. You can't paint all women with the same brush. Sending topless pictures to another man was probably to please someone, but not her husband.


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## warlock07

Catherine602 said:


> Women do things to please their husbands and to keep the peace. They dont want to do it but get worn down by their husbands. Dose that make it their fault? Only to the extent that they did not have the mental strength to stand up to the demands of their husband.
> 
> .


Isn't that true for both men and women?


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## J'Accused

warlock07 said:


> Isn't that true for both men and women?


Obviously Catherine u have already made up your mind that my wife is not responsible for her actions and that the devil made her doit. WRONG by only accepting our mistakes do we find healing and strength, are you implying women are weak willed? Come on enough of the estrogen sisterhood we both made mistakes I'm just the only one who's admitting it and you are making excuses for somebody you don't even know , please
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## J'Accused

J'Accused said:


> Obviously Catherine u have already made up your mind that my wife is not responsible for her actions and that the devil made her doit. WRONG by only accepting our mistakes do we find healing and strength, are you implying women are weak willed? Come on enough of the estrogen sisterhood we both made mistakes I'm just the only one who's admitting it and you are making excuses for somebody you don't even know , please
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And get me" off her back" since when is having sex with your husband a burden? Guess what the stork didn't deliver our kids
JFC
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602

You avoided answering my questions. No woman are not weak will at all. They want to please men is that weak? It comes in handy when a man try's to spice up the sex and convinces his wife to try something she has never tried. 

Some Men, but not all, take the lead on bringing variety into the bedroom. If women were not so "weak" they would not be willing to try.


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## Shaggy

I think the point being made is that the OP was feeding TAM a set of rewritten or at least one sided history facts as she was deamonizing her husband in prep to divorce him. At the same time she was at minimum sexting with younger men, seeking attention and likely hookups.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Frankly, it looks like both of you are messed up individuals. She will probably never learn, but then again, you don't seem too willing to accept that what you did is tantamount to rape, so I have little compassion for you, either. Had you taped her in the living room, maybe I'd think you were trying to get evidence of cheating. Taping a woman when she is naked or going to the bathroom is never excusable, no matter what the reason. When you can say you understand that, come back and we'll talk.


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## J'Accused

Ok firstly Catherine, she stopped with intimacy and suggested the pictures as a remedy to actually having coitus, all I wanted was a normal sex life with a woman whos desire was nearly equal to mine, so i hope that answers your question.

Secondly turnera, RAPE seriously? that is an insult to anyone who is a victim of that heinous act. Let me explain this so you understand, the pictures she took of herself were taken in THE BATHROOM and THE CLOSET, she wasnt taking pictures of herself in the living room, filming her in the living room would have been a waste of time, she was sneaking into the bathroom and closet to take the said pictures, she actually took the first picture in our KIDS bathroom. I didnt tape her for voyeuristic reasons, thats like saying look for a gorilla in the northpole, you have to look where the action is occurring. AND do you people read what I say? I said I was wrong, I said it was an emotional reaction to an upsetting situation, Im not looking for absolution im hereto tell THE FACTS of what happened as I have been crucified for being human, and I forgave her, all i ask was to be forgiven too, again JFC


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## J'Accused

Shaggy , Thank you, obviously you see the big picture here and again,I was an imperfect husband, but I have owned my mistakes and my wife avoidance of issues exasperated the situation, didnt help, and again btw from her IM with the bodybuilder, he sent her a picture of his erect member and her reply"I could go for that now " so lets stop with the babe in the woods routine


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## J'Accused

Heres another quote from my wife, smartcookie" from another thread on this site:
"When I told him enough was enough back in Jan after my mothers passing is when he was cut off and rightfully so! So people may disagree with that....but it was very dysfunctional and it had to stop. So by him doing the recent stuff just shows me that he still has a very strong urge with all of that. Like I said before its been declining also for a very long time - i checked out at least 1 1/2 ago and started to go to a therapist on my own - so I tried numerous time now I'm just plain sick over it all. Its sad actually...because he does have a beautiful wife and two beautiful healthy children"

now lets look at the language used here, "cut off" shes talking sexually now that was Jan 2010, her mother passed July 2009, is that using sex as a weapon in an attempt way to modify behavior?

"he as a very strong urge with all that" is she talking about my libido? and my desire to be physically intimate with the woman I have been with for 20 years? There is a billion dollar industry based on providing medicine for men who cant perform for their wives, yet here i am 44 years old and still wanting my wife, oh the horror. 

"because he does have a beautiful wife and two beautiful healthy children" now who is a narcissist here? she never says Im lucky to have a handsome, loving husband who has provided for me in fact she has posted on a thread on this site titled " I have never been attracted to my husband" do you think maybe I might have picked up on that? and the few times we would have intimacy it was with all the lights out and she would put a pillow over her face so she didnt have to look at me, yeah this is all my fault she doesnt have any issues does she?











;


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## Catherine602

This sounds so sad, really. Why on earth did you lower yourself to have sex with a woman who covered her face! And you still love her. Why? What you describe is a type of rejection that is intolerable. 

I think you are stuck on a woman who has treated you badly and does not respect you. Why do you think you deserve that? 

You have to get straight. What you have allowed to happen to you is no good. Get the divorce and count yourself luck to have a 2nd chance. Get some help to heal and understand why you let this happen. 

Be a model to your kids - show them what a healthy relationship looks like. 

You are in control. People treat you the way you allow them.


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## J'Accused

I dont believe it was "lowering myself" you love someone you dont give up, Im not a mental health expert, i did the best i could with the circumstances I was given, life gives you lemons you make lemonade. I think about the good times the positives and not to dwell on the negatives. This was fixable but both people need to want it, the heart wants what the heart wants, she was going throug a rough time, am i supposed to abandon her and just quit?
Im not here to lay blame, but to ask for prayer and to help anyone going through the same to look for the warning signs, God has his plan for me, and my children do have a good role model in me
I was born with a heart defect that should have killed me at 35, but this woman got me through my surgery and helped me to recover, God hates an ingrate, people make mistakes, and forgiveness is the closest we can come to God 's spirit on earth. We were so young when we met, and we didnt know any better about a lot of things but there is love still there, and you dont throw it away because there are some intimacy issues, at least i know i tried


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## turnera

Yes, rape seriously. Men may get a certain high off of knowing they were taped naked but the typical woman won't. They will fill violated. If you can't understand the difference, there's no discussing it with you.

And I'll repeat AGAIN, you BOTH have issues, and I in no way have excused what she did. Apparently that's all you want to hear, that we think she's worse than you. Ain't gonna happen from me.


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## J'Accused

Apparently you cant understand english, find one quote from me where I ask that she is worse than me, Im giving context to a one sided story. There was no "getting off" I was tying to verify if her behavior had stopped, do you even read what i post?, I said IT WAS WRONG, I should have thought of a better way. Ill take my share of responsibility for this marriages failure, I wont take the entire blame, and that's an admission and acceptance that has only been uttered by one side on this story


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## J'Accused

So by the lack of action here i can assume that everyone here thinks we are both whacked out people who are beyond help? LOL


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## keko

Not really, there are much much worse stories on the net. You're wife needs a little sense of reality with her body builders and you need to stop(past tense) taping no matter how much granted it was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602

What are you asking for what kind of assistance? I gave you an honest take in what I saw based on what you said and what she said. The truth is somewhere in between. 

I'll tell you what comes across from your interaction here: 
You are argumentative, stubborn, insistent that you are right, you have selective hearing, agree with yourself and anyone who supports you, you are very angry, blame shift to whoever you have conflict with. 

I am certain you have good qualities but they are not in evidence here.. My sense is that you are a difficult person and hard to live with. I doubt if you see yourself this way and you don't alter your behavior to accommodate your partner. . 

If you don't fix yourself and gain compassion and empathy you will find it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship.

You may also have unusual sexual desires that further limit your ability to find lasting love. You seem to see nothing wrong with maneuvering a partner into participating in your sexual appitite. 

You seem to feel your sexual pleasure allows you to violate people's privacy which is deviant. You see your deviance as a mistake not a basic deep seated problem that you need to fix.

I think this sexual problem took a toll on your marriage and contributed to its end. 

I may be completely wrong.


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## J'Accused

A voice of wisdom, I can assure my video taping days are over, unfortunately my wife's obsession with bodybuilder continues, found out recently got to meet one of the bodybuilders shes obsessed with through her personal trainer, personally i think those guys are weird looking, I just cant understand why she would waste 20 years of my life and hers, with someone she was never attracted to, I can never get those years back, so sad


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## J'Accused

yes you are completely wrong or again not reading what I said, how many times did I say i was wrong for video taping? please go through the post and answer that question. And quite the contrary Iam very easy to get along with, In fact it was my wife's therapist who said "I can see her being a very difficult person to be in a relationship with" you see Im not divulging everything my wife did, because thats not my goal to destroy her, unlike my wife who is out to destroy me, regardless of the collateral damage. Again for the umpteenth time I got no sexual satisfaction from video taping, I went the entire calendar year of 2010 without ANY intimacy. Would you please read before you draw conclusions. I was in relationship with a woman who was NOT physically attracted to her husband, who married me because I was "safe" and respectable and through my own sacrifices made it work for 19 years, honey sometimes the woman is to blame as much as the man. And I believe you mean to say shift blame not "blame shift" and do you understand what the word "imperfect" means how many times have i used that to describe myself


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## EleGirl

J'Accused said:


> So by the lack of action here i can assume that everyone here thinks we are both whacked out people who are beyond help? LOL


The lack of action, as you call it, is most likely because you are mostly presenting an angry, abrasive attitude. It's difficult to talk to someone who is like this. I can understand your hurt and your desire to set the record streight here. But it's not clear what anyone here can do for you. 

At some point you need to let his go. As awful and hard as it must be you have to let go. You cannot change the past but can create your own future. The only person you can change is yourself. You need to sit back and ask yourself what life lessons are you learning from this marriage/relationship? What can you do better in the future. The best 'revenge' is to go on to be happy and lead a very good life. So how are you going to accomplish this?


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## Catherine602

I don't think you should believe what a cheating spouse says. They rewrite history and say an do destructive things to their BS. It might help to read about cheaters they follow a script. 

Being able to decode what they say will help shield you from thinking that your wife speaks the truth. 

It is your wife's fault 100 % for her deception and betrayal. But the relationship was bad before she cheated and you had a role in that. 

Realizing that does not negate her massive betrayal of you but is important for you to recognize so you don't make the same mistakes in you next relationship. 

I think you are looking for validation for the pain and betrayal you have suffered. You are right, you have been wronged in the worse way a person can be wronged. Your wife is deceptive and dishonest. 

She is also a fool if she thinks 20 yo bodybuliders care anything about her mind or person. They are looking at other parts. 

She gave up the love of a man who was committed to her and willing to solve the marital problems for boys that want to use her. I feel bad for her. When she wakes out of her fog she will be a very sad person. 

I think you should give yourself about a month to wallow in woe is me. Then you have to buck up get yourself together and find the man you were before the marriage. Dont forget to solve you personal problems and get on with your life. 

Get ready for your next relationship by dating when your are emotionally available. Don't committ to the first woman who is nice to you. 

Date at lest 10 women to find out what type of woman is compatible with you. Be honest with the women you date and make sure you get as much as you give.


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## J'Accused

well I think its been very cathartic for me to get my side of the story out, even to strangers and maybe just maybe Im wishing that my wife is still reading these post and she is getting it a little bit. Whatever is going to happen i have little control of, I accept that, the ball is completely in her court


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## Catherine602

You have to remember that even though you are open to R, you need to establish clear boundaries. If she is not willing to accept them then you need to continue with the divorce. 

Part of the R has to be her ability to realize the bodybuilder obsession is dysfunctional and she needs to be willing to
Understand why she has it. That is important because if she does not know why then she will continue the behavior. 

Don't give cheap forgiveness you will regret it. Don't allow her to blame you. Have the requirements ready in case she does come back to her senses.

Why don't you start on them and share them here? 

At the same time you can discuss what went wrong in the relationship. There may be poster who can assist you with solutions.


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## EleGirl

J'Accused said:


> well I think its been very cathartic for me to get my side of the story out, even to strangers and maybe just maybe Im wishing that my wife is still reading these post and she is getting it a little bit. Whatever is going to happen i have little control of, I accept that, the ball is completely in her court


The sad thing is that once a person passes through some threshold it seems that they never 'get it'. I've seen this so many times in the past with people. They solidfy their version of things and that's it. They no longer care what their spouse really did or did not do, says, thinks, etc. It's their perception that become their focus.

I hope for both of your sakes that all of this is worked out. People tend to create such missery for themselves and then wollow in it. Who know why?


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## Skipper

There are always two sides to every story, as they say the truth is often in the middle. I believe divorce is like a plane crash in that it is seldom one mistake or the actions of one person that was the sole cause. Instead it is the combination of several events, in each case the accident/divorce might have been prevented if a different course of action was taken. Like a plane crash a divorce usually leaves the wreckage of what was once a home and the lives in it broken and scattered.

I have no idea who is more at fault here, each had a role. There seems little anyone can say or do that will make a difference at this point. The whole thing leaves me sad.

If you are spiritual you may know God said he hates divorce. I believe you have to go through one to appreciate why. It's an aweful thing and I am sorry for you pain.

Best wishes to you both that you are able to heal and enjoy your lives to the greatest extent possible in the future.


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## turnera

J'Accused said:


> well I think its been very cathartic for me to get my side of the story out, even to strangers and maybe just maybe Im wishing that my wife is still reading these post and she is getting it a little bit. Whatever is going to happen i have little control of, I accept that, the ball is completely in her court


 Now I get it. You came here thinking she would read it. A valid hope. But I doubt, now that she is free to do her wayward crap, she cares about a forum any more. SHE came her to get permission to leave you. YOU came here to get permission for people to blame her instead of you and just maybe get her back. 

None of that is a healthy response to y'all's situation.

Go to therapy, get ok with yourself, work on your own issues, and learn to be happy on your own. Once you've accomplished that, you won't give a flying flip what she does because you'll just feel sorry for her, and you'll be a magnet for happy, healthy women who'd never dream of doing what she did.

Therapy.


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## turnera

My best friend in childhood lived with her mother and her SEVENTH husband. This woman had braces on (while my friend had the worst buck teeth I've ever seen), looked like a Barbie doll, and never did a day's work in her life. She just kept coming on to men so she could sponge off of them.

Some women are just that way.


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## J'Accused

I guess my biggest remorse is that I feel like I was "sold a bill of goods" for the last 20 years and that I could have had happiness has she just been strait with me, if I didnt "do it" for her why string me along? and wait for the most opportune time for her and the worst for me. We had just refinanced our home with a 3 year plan to get our daughter into a better school system and I was really looking foward to having another child with her, hoping to recapture at least the feeling I had of hapiness, now thats all turned to dust. I will be in therapy for a long time and like I said my own personal moral convictions means a life of celibacy for me, but you guys are right, Im sure years down the road I will feel sorry for her, because if she believs the road to happiness consists of bodybuilders and physical beauty she has a dissapointing life in front of her. My other fear is that these values are passed on to our children I have to be ever vigilant that they do not become shallow and materialistic.


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## tacoma

J'Accused said:


> I will be in therapy for a long time and like I said my own personal moral convictions means a life of celibacy for me, but you guys are right, Im sure years down the road I will feel sorry for her, because if she believs the road to happiness consists of bodybuilders and physical beauty she has a dissapointing life in front of her.


She`s probably feeling sorry for you since you think the road to happiness consists of a life of celibacy and no physical beauty you have a disappointing life in front of you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Since the divorce is going to happen regardless. Why not put this in the past and move forward. Why would you want to work on a marriage where one has no respect and looking to stray? It does not make sense. I understand for better or for worse, but this should not apply with infidelity. You need to get past these "bodybuilders". How do you exactly know they are bodybuilders anyways? My ex was a serial cheater. Along with that came lie after lie, yet he wanted his cake and eat it too. I obviously left. I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with an angry man unwilling to change. His anger and possessiveness was/is out of control. I was being stalked by him for a solid year as I was bettering myself. That would be a horrible example for my daughter to stay in such a toxic marriage. It was not a sin for me to leave and better myself. I tried for a year trying to work things out during our marriage, he saw nothing wrong with himself and blamed me for everything. I decided I was never going to remarry, so I found a job and went to college while raising my daughter. If I happened to date, I raised my standards much higher. He still lives in misery. Luckily my daughter is grown and I no longer need to be in contact with him. I was not a quitter. I was being smart.

I met reluctantly my husband on a blind date. He was more then what I wanted in a man. He begged me to be a stay at home mother which I did, so I quit my job and schooling. Since then I broke my neck and became disabled(4 years ago). Life is extremely difficult living in 24/7 severe pain. I had to give up running 36 miles a week. Yet my husband stands by my side supporting me every single day. He doesn't have one ounce of anger in him. He is a fabulous father to all our children. We are so compatible that we've had maybe 1-2 arguments the past 13 years. We both are mutually in love with each other and make the best out of life. Neither of us has expectations of one another. Neither one of us stray from our marriage. We still hold hands every night while taking or watching a program on tv. This is how a marriage is suppose to be, for better or for worse. We've had some really tough times health wise. We are not young in our 20's. Both my husband and I work hard on meeting each others needs. We are best friends and always will be.

You hold a lot of resentment towards your wife. Personally, I'd move on and start a new relationship with a new woman. Someone who is faithful. Learn from your past. You know what to do and what type of woman to look for. It doesn't sound like you have a choice anyways. It's not healthy to hold this anger in. Take up running, it really helps ease these stressful situations.


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## J'Accused

Wow, really, you infer that from what I wrote?When did I say "the road to hapiness consists of celibacy and no physical beauty" really lay off the MJ when you post. We make choices, and we have to own the consequences of the choices we make, maybe bodybuilders and being shallow is the path to happiness for some, physical beauty fades and there is nothing more pathetic then thinking happiness is linked to that, believe me she wont feel sorry for me, that ship has sailed. I will definitely have the more fufilled and happy life.


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## J'Accused

Again each person's story is unique, I dont claim to be as "enlightened" as you. Maybe love is disposable to you, but to me, marriage is sacred and divorce should only be a last option, did you even love your first husband? how long were you married, did you stary from him, all the FACTORS that guide the way a life and marriage proceeds. I know they are bobybuilders from the pictures they sent her, and what she has told me her turns her on in the last year, and that whats shes looking for, people should take responsibility for the damage they cause in the wake of getting what they want. And again when you have been sent MIXED SIGNALS for the better part of 2 years, it can become confusing, please READ MY POST and then comment. People are imperfect we all make mistakes, I want to work on my marriage, but its not going to happy, and you seem very pleased to keep saying your ex lives in misery, how do you know?, so please stop with the sanctimony and I do run 1/2 marathons and mud runs and even the Tough Mudder, but that doesnt take the place of your wife and the person you love, who has mentalhealth issue, sickness and health, That was part of the VOW.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Love is not disposable. I never strayed from any relationship including my first marriage. I did not even date until after my divorce was final. I don't agree with friendships of the opposite sex while married. This does not make me a quitter.

I would never consider staying in a marriage where my spouse is having affair after affair, physical or emotional.

I was the one who tried, not my ex. I've been married 12 years now without any issues. Life is very good despite being in 24/7 chronic pain. My husband and I put our marriage as our first priority.

My ex and I have a child. His normal tone is screaming at the top of his lungs. He still blames his miserable life on me. He remarried and had 3 affairs on his current wife while boasting this subject to my daughter when she was 15. This is how I know he lives in misery. He's a very angry man. Oh, he had a woman move into our home 3 days after I left. I very much doubt he loved me. I don't talk to him any longer since my daughter is grown. I don't care about his new life with his wife. Its been 18 years and I moved on long ago.

I focus all my energy on my current husband. He is my best friend, the love of my life. My husband and I put each others needs first before anything else.


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## J'Accused

Well I m truly happy for you, it is encouraging to hear happy love stories like you have share, unfortunately my circumstances are very different, I have spent the better part of 20 years with this woman, day in and day out up until this separation, the longest I was ever away from her was the 8 days I spent in the hospital getting open heart surgery. Its not resentment, it sad the I feel i was defrauded for so long, they say divorce is like a mini-death, in a way its worst than a death because the finality of death, but the unknown to what the status of our relationship will be and how we have to co-parent, its like a festering wound that you get to heal some and than picked at again and all the grief and anguish starts over again, very sad


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## J'Accused

Update for anyone interested, court last week, she didnt show up, but I was awarded child support and legal fees, but I take no satisfaction in this because of the overwhelming sadness which permeates this situation, I offered her a very generous settlement back in November 2011 and she shot me down, now 25k in litigation later, maybe she should have been reasonable, just a cautionaryy tale for anyone contemplating same


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## keko

Good news.


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## Catherine602

Her prolongation was obviously seen by the judge as unwarranted. Sounds like a fair decision. 

Is it final now? What are your plans for dealing with the divorce. You need to work through your anger or you will be stuck on her for years. 

Letting go will allow you to live a full life and fall in love again.


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## J'Accused

Not in my nature to let go, I believe there is only 1 great love in your life, I have a lot of work to do, doubt ill ever establish the type of intimacy I had with her, sad. Plans for dealing with divorce is responding to the attacks i will endure, being the best father I can, hope and pray this does not go to trial because that will finacial Armageddon for everyone


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## Catherine602

You are wrong in your belief about love. I have read that there are multiple people who have the right combination of qualities that leads to love. Sometimes when married you can meet someone you would have loved if you were not married. 

I have read that each time you fall in love is different. Actually you will never love anyone the same way you love your wife but you can love another.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm glad to hear this part is over. I do agree with Catherine. My husband now is my one true love with a very healthy relationship/marriage. We both treat each other with full respect and have a very deep bond/love.

Good Luck.


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## cory275

whoa... i didnt read all 7 pgs of replies.. but whoa. 

while yall were in therapy did the doc suggest your hubs be on any meds? 

i think video taping could be fun.. but not without consent of the video tapee. i would only video tape my hubs for purposes of cheating or something to that degree. but your hubs takes it to a whole new disturbing level. 

i might fear for my safety if i were you. and in that case.. i'd definately also be thinking about the big D. 

whoa.


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## J'Accused

Well maybe y'all should read everything before y'all give y'all 2 bit 1/2 nitwit opinion?


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## J'Accused

Catherine & IMLWMH thats the way you are wired, and that works for you fine, I am like an empire penguin we mate once and its for life, anything else would feel unatural


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## turnera

No offense, but obviously not. At least not on HER side.


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