# Just curious if I'm alone in this. What would you do?



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

So, I've documented my story in lengthy detail, including every misstep, on this forum. My marriage has derailed in a matter of a few months. What I've suspected the whole time is that my husband is having an emotional affair with his high school girlfriend and first love, who lives 2500 miles away. He moved out 7 weeks ago, and after me getting too close to the truth, he says he is done. But wouldn't even say it face to face, did it through email and text messages, and in a truly spineless manner never even said the word divorce. 

Anyhow, I've stumbled across what I see as proof. Her facebook wall has a love song, Bryan Adam's "Heaven" which is very appropriate I guess for them. He "liked" it. And then she posted that she's coming here for vacation. And just coincidentally of course, my H swapped weekends with me so I could have the kids on Easter, and he also won't be able to get him this Thursday which is his scheduled day. Couple that with the fact that his birthday was this past week, and well, it doesn't take an Einstein to figure things out. I didn't let him know what I knew, and forced him to have THE conversation with me the other night. He admitted that he had been unfaithful by talking to her for the past four weeks, but that it didn't matter because our marriage was over and he could do what he wants. But he did swear that he wasn't going to see her this weekend. 

If you had an opportunity to catch him with the OW, would you? I mean, they haven't seen each other in quite awhile, so the opportunities for them to be together are far and few between, and next time he might fly out there. I feel like I need this for closure, but I'm getting blasted for hiring a private investigator. It's $400 and they are following him for 2 days, and finding the flight info so they know when to go to the airport. I feel like I'd regret it if I didn't get the proof. I'm aware it will hurt, but he's going to deny it all forever. Even still, he might say "I told you I was talking to her after I was done with you." And say he doesn't care if I think he lied because it doesn't matter. 

Today on her facebook wall she posted that her son is coming with her. So she is spending the week with my husband and her son, how nice. Meanwhile, he doesnt' want to see his own kids on Easter, but he'll be spending it with the ready made family. He's also dropping his kids on Thursday to be with her and her kids. It disgusts me. I'd love to have the proof to show that he didn't get his kids because he was with this OW. Not sure what I'd do with the proof. Maybe just hang onto it. Adultery doesn't matter in my state. But he sat here and looked me in the eyes and said he didn't feel guilty because he had done nothing wrong. I beg to differ. 

What would you do? PI or not?


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I would get the PI.. it might help you with the closure you need.. and it would definatly help in divorce proceedings considering it looks like you are heading that way. 

I considered getting a PI to follow my H.. because he is still swearing that his OW is just a friend.. but I realize I don't really care that much anymore.. she can have him. It's nice to give your used toys to the underprivilaged  lol

I have enough dirt on him to throw up in court if he decides to push any custody or anything like that.. so I really don't need the "proof" for the courts.

In your situation.. I would do it though.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Oh, also...

I hope you are documenting this somehow.. the fact that he switched his visitations and things around so he could spend time with the OW! It can show the courts (along with PI proof) of his disregard to his kids and spending his time with them!


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

I would get the PI. I almost hired one to catch my husband on his last business trip to the OW's area, but couldn't get it done in time, then I did find all the proof I needed.

You still need proof to be able to move on. $400 is a cheap price to pay for sanity.

Adultery may not make a difference in terms of divorce settlement, but if you have proof he's ignoring his scheduled time with the kids to be with the OW, it _will_ likely make a difference in custody/child support.

I don't know who's blasting you for hiring a PI, but I'm 100% behind it. Do it.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Oh my goodness. I am so very sorry you are going through this. My husband too has acted as if all that he has done has been almost "justified" since "He had wanted to end it for a while." He even said when he was caught in his affair, "It's my ex-fiance'. I knew her before you," Like he had first claims on her. Made me sick. Then of course there were other "surprises" and yuck stuff. Who KNOWS what all of us don't even know about. Ok........Finding stuff out hurts very deeply. I spent time hacking accounts, etc. to get as much "proof" as I could for a divorce. Found out it doesn't really matter. I even have PICS! UGH. Anyway, if this will help you achieve "closure" and help you with the decision to D, I guess it wouldn't hurt to hire a PI. However, ask yourself again what you are trying to gain by doing this. Do you just want confirmation? If we dig, we find more. I have been told by many people on this forum to just let it go. Also, an attorney told me the more you dig, the more you find, and that it can just be counter-productive and that I need to move forward. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. I DO know exactly how you feel  Hang in there, and soak up all advice you get until to find a "comfort level." You may need to force yourself to back off, focus on you and your precious children, and just try to re-build your life. GOOD LUCK!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

If you can afford a PI, I say go for it. Just having the proof does help you mentally. I know how much mental anguish arises from having a cheating spouse who is always lying. It just feels good to "nail" them with their lies.

Adultery doesn't matter in my state either. But, bad behavior does make an impact with the judge. For example, a spouse heavily involved with another person can become completely irresponsible. That will come into play when the judge makes a discretionary decision. As in my case, "how much" alimony and child support to award. The judge awarded the maximum allowed. Keep a journal documenting incidents.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> I feel like I need this for closure, but* I'm getting blasted * for hiring a private investigator.


Ok, Lonely, I have been there reading your story from the beginning and I think I speak for everyone on your other thread saying *we are not blasting you*. We are simply telling you to save the $400 for something more useful.

He has openly admitted to you he cheated on you with her, he was unfaithful, and is actively involved with her. He says it's 4 weeks only but you already know that is lies.

She made her page on FB public so she can post stuff so you can see it and she can bait you. And it has worked every step of the way so far.

A PI is good when you have no clue what is going on. In your case, you already know cause he told you so it has nothing to do with "exposure" anymore. You have mentioned wanting to post the PI pictures all over FB for the wrold to see and we've told you not to do it, that it will result in nothing good. 

You seeing them together--what difference will it make? it's going to hurt YOU more and , he and she are going to look at you like a nut and he's going to say "WTF are you doing here? I already told you this was happening, move on." 

Save your dignity and heartache.

He wants to be with her now. He doesn't want to be married anymore. So let her have him. She gets to be with a man who walkd out on his family and kids. No prize there. Don't make a this worse than it needs to be.

Detach. Let go. He's already gone. 

Again, we were not "blasting" you. We were trying to help you and giving you advice.

But if you want to hire a PI to get pictures of them together showing that he is cheating while married to you w/ her, and show up where they are calling him a cheat (of which he's already told you he is to your face) and then post pics about it all over FB/for the world to see, go for it. It's your choice.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You have mentioned wanting to post the PI pictures all over FB for the wrold to see and we've told you not to do it, that it will result in nothing good.


I agree with this. Posting the pictures will not help you in any way, shape or form. It will just make you the bad guy.

I still think if you need to hire the PI for your own peace of mind then you should do it; I do think any proof the PI comes up with will help you in court when it comes to custody and support.

I don't, however, think you should use the proof a PI may uncover to any other purpose - it just wouldn't help you or anybody else.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

LNL ~

I have been catching up on your other thread, still not all the way there, but I have the general idea of how things happened. I just want to ask you this: Is having pictures of them together going to prove anything other than he was with her after he moved out and stated he wanted to seperate and divorce? Is being "right" worth $400?? If it is, then go for it honey. But you know once you show him those pictures he still isn't going to tell you the truth. He has had way too many opportunities to do that already. I know you want that evidence to prove that you aren't crazy and that he was cheating, but you already know that. I say its up to you, but I still don't think you are going to get anything from this other than a minute worth of being "right" followed by the fallout from realizing that it is truly over and he is with someone else.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dawn, that's a good point. You will have proof of him being with another woman AFTER he has separated with you, told he he's never coming home, and he's done with you. So that's proof of...what?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ That's what I said. He's already admitted to her face that he cheated with the Vegas skank.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Right. I have to tell among my other skills I'm also a licensed PI. I don't do anything with it though. Why bother? What do you do with the knowledge or proof? What's the point? Most people hire PI's in order to dig up a reasonably good excuse to grab assets hidden or otherwise. If there's that much money involved you're going to need a forensic accountant too. 

When your marriage is so far off the rails that your paying spies to dig up **** on each other, what's the next move?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I know he's going to justify it all to the end, have excuses, etc. But he's still sweating. The PI didn't follow him from his parent's house, they waited at the airport for her flight. They saw her and her son get off, get their luggage, and hop in a cab. No sign of H. He was a step ahead. The PI admitted he messed up, so he said he'd give me another day. Since we are chasing a ghost (no more posts on her facebook), we're going to have to wait until Tuesday when he's supposed to pick up the kids for an hour, and then they'll follow him from there. 

I guess it's hard to explain why I want proof. I think he does actually feel bad when he is caught in lies. Because, why does he still need to lie? Who is he trying to protect? He sat and stared me dead in the eyes and told me he wasn't going to be with her this weekend. The reason he can't see the kids has nothing to do with her. And they are just "talking". And his timing with the 4 weeks overlaps with when he was moved out and saying he wanted to work on things. He's a lying cheat. I know I won't gain anything from it, but I'll actually have something. 

When the PI hadn't heard back from his guys, he called me. He asked if I had heard from him. I said we are no contact. He told me to call him with a story. So I did. I called and told him I was having car problems and he acted really irritated. He asked where I was and what was going on. I asked if he could come and he kind of growled. I said sorry for inconveniencing you. I asked where he was and he said "driving". I said "where" and he got angry and was like "why does it matter where I am" and then said he was going to his parent's house. I told him I'd call him back. He called me back 15 minutes later and I told him I had gotten a ride and was having the car towed. He was mean. I texted him to ask where I should have it towed and he replied and then I replied back and said, "You don't have to be so mean. Sorry for bothering you. I guess I'll find someone else to help me out. I'm still your wife and I'll always be the mother of your children." He replied, "I wasn't being mean. I just don't know what kind of game you're playing right now." 

He is paranoid and watching his back. I think this is proof enough. I have my proof without the PI. And his children will learn the truth one day. When we go to mediation I will just lay it on the table and see what his reaction is. Or maybe when I ask for the 3 month abatement and the judge orders marriage counseling, I'll bring the photos along and say, "this is why we are here." 

I get what you are all saying. I do. But I want it for closure. Not sure if it will provide that, but I couldn't pass the opportunity by. He did what he did because of the timing. He came and took his stuff because of her being here. He came and said all that crap to my face and lied, denied, blame shifted because he wanted to cover his arse. He admitted he'd been talking to her to cover himself. He's going to lie till he dies. But at least I will know the truth with 100% certainty and anyone who buys his bologne will too. He can fool the few people he talks to, but the proof is in the pudding.

And he can sit and say he was done with me and blah blah blah. But HELLO, this woman is the reason for our strife over the past 5 months. She is the cause of concern that he said I had nothing to worry about. The continuous lies that it was nothing, they were "just friends". Me being called crazy and him saying I don't trust him because of his EA 4 years ago. Well, it looks like I had a reason to be concerned now doesn't it? It's not like this is just "someone else". This is THE someone else.


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