# Anyone else settling post divorce?



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

I've been in a relationship for two years. Been divorced three from my ex who cheated.

This relationship is going nowhere, its less than I deserve, it is one sided.

Obviously I should end it but I'm just curious if anyone else has found themselves in this position post divorce. Wonder if I'm more prone to it for some reason and if there is some lesson to be learned for all of us or if it is just me.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So...

Your Red Flag Meter is still running a bit behind. Why are you still with him?


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Revamped said:


> So...
> 
> Your Red Flag Meter is still running a bit behind. Why are you still with him?


Her 

Oh no, all the red flags are there and have been. I've recognized them every step of the way. Just can't give it up. Won't fool anyone by saying I'm in "love" or anything but just can't pull the trigger and walk away.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

After one red flag I would start wondering. After two, I was done haha. Are you hesitant about being alone?


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

DawnD said:


> After one red flag I would start wondering. After two, I was done haha. Are you hesitant about being alone?


I don't really have a good answer. I guess I would say that I've just put alot of time into it and made bad decisions to stay so I'm hesitant to get out. She's there now and I don't want her to go away. I want way more than she ever will. I'm not afraid to be alone, I was pretty used to it before this. I don't know... I understand its not healthy, I am hoping to understand why so I can correct it.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

sd212 said:


> I don't really have a good answer. I guess I would say that I've just put alot of time into it and made bad decisions to stay so I'm hesitant to get out. She's there now and I don't want her to go away. I want way more than she ever will. I'm not afraid to be alone, I was pretty used to it before this. I don't know... I understand its not healthy, I am hoping to understand why so I can correct it.


I know exactly how you feel. I got involved with a woman about 7 months after my divorce was finalized. I when I was away from her, I had the following thoughts:

1. I just got out of a divorce. Why am I throwing myself into another relationship so fast? 

2. How is this woman adding any value to my life? Can I learn and grow with this person? 

3. Am I filling a void left by my wife? This is co-dependent behavior.

Like you, I saw a ton of red flags with this woman (she cheated on her ex-husband) and because I was hurting I did not care. She was pretty, and I was getting laid, but the sex was boring. I had the feeling, about a three weeks in that it wasn't going to last anyways. 

I think if you are writing this post, and you are indeed "settling", this is not going to work out well for you. Desperation leads to poor results almost all the time.

I think you should cut ties and do a little soul searching, which I think YOU know you have to do.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

I got into a relationship way too soon after my divorce and was in it a lot longer than I should have been. Like you, I saw the red flags but was too scared to pull the plug. After a year of knowing that things weren't right, I finally broke up with him. It was extremely hard to do but, I am such much happier now.

I think I was scared of being alone after so many years with my ExH and was scared of being alone again after breaking up with my boyfriend. But I've realized that being alone is so much better than being in a not so great relationship.

If you know it's not a good relationship then free yourself. Don't you want to be free when someone that is right for you comes along? Pull that plug!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

If you have to ask if you are settling, then you probabaly are. 
If I were to hazard a guess based on the snippets we have, it sounds like you are "comfortable and familiar" with her and this relationshsip is the equivalent of a tricycle when you really want to be on a bicycle.



> I've just put alot of time into it and made bad decisions to stay so I'm hesitant to get out.


This. Right here.
I would suggest talking to her about it and seeing if she can ever really be the thing you desire in life. You never know, she may be patiently waiting for something in you.

If nothing else it will open up a possible dialogue to seperating easily. 
Whatever you do, dont blindside her.
Thats just needless.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I am just the opposite, as soon as something doesn't sit just right with me I'm done. Since the divorce I have a very low level of tolerance and acceptance.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Whether it's fear of being alone, complacency and laziness for not wanting to get back out there and date or perhaps it's the "devil you know vs. the devil you don't" it all comes down to not wanting to rock the boat/fear of change. 

Do you really want a life of 'meh' when you could have a life of 'yay'? I almost settled. A few years out from divorce I dated a guy who was gentlemanly, had a solid job, kind, well-traveled, fit and very handy. All great attributes. But I wasn't physically attracted to him very much and I didn't feel "connected" to him, as if I didn't really know him deeply and never would.

It would have been safe to continue to see him but I realized I was settling and I was worth more. More happiness. Sounds like a lot of things but also some low self esteem. Why don't you think you deserve more? Once you know you do, you will be willing to put forth the effort to find it.

It's been 8 years since and I don't regret it for a minute even though I haven't found "the one". We ran into each other and went out again a couple times only this time my eyes were wide open. I could see that staying with him would have eventually resulted in frustration, arguments and deep unhappiness with my choice. Don't stay because it's easy or you don't want to hurt her. By not being fully invested you already are.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Why waste time when you know she is not the one? Whatever investment you made will only help when you do meet the woman you are meant to be with.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

No!!!!!
I realized I had been "settling" for 28 years. Never doing that again.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

God no. Life is too short to settle.

The only time in my life I settled was my marriage, we had kids, lots of financial implications blah blah blah. 

If anything, divorce should teach you to NEVER settle. You are wasting your own life.


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## HeyMon (Apr 15, 2012)

I sense a trend...I admit to this. Getting involved with someone new before I "dated myself" again.

She was ready to paint my house and pick out furniture - after four months. As they say, be a good ender. She ain't the one...

But you know this already.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I was in exactly the opposite situation.
I had this idea I was going to just date, play around, be an irresponsible playboy.
No heart breaking, just lots and lots of pleasantly scented female flesh!

Then the Universe, in its infinite wisdom, dropped Missy in my lap.
If you listen closely, you can hear the echoes of the Universe busting a gut at me having found someone wonderful at a time I didn’t want one. 
I’m very glad the Universe loves me, but it has a very odd sense of timing.

As for “settling” sometimes you don’t actually want “Yay!”. Maybe your dissolution was too drama filled or maybe you are a low drama kind of person.
One of the things that you SHOULD know before you date again is what you DON’T want…and possibly what you are open to versus what you want.
What are your deal breakers?
Do you have your Red Flag Checklist?

I’m not a big advocate of settling. 
But I am a big advocate of trying out new things and being open to things I may have once thought were needed.
I thought I needed a tall woman…turns out Missy is shorter than my youngest daughter.
I call her “Fun sized”.

I’m also very okay with accepting that a person is the way they are. Missy will occasionally get a little OCD. I allow her the space, ask if she wants help and respect her wishes.
But there is a huge difference between accepting a person for what they are and settling.
If you finding yourself saying “well I guess I can tolerate that.”, rather than saying “I accept that as a part of what you are”, then you need to reconsider things.

Compromise is a part of any relationship and a great skill to have.
“Settling” is a not great skill to have because it leaves you with the feeling of an incomplete transaction. 
Like you have short changed yourself. 
You have to maintain enough self-respect and self-love to not do that.
This will have an effect on your wellbeing as you can’t do settling without automatically putting yourself second.

Lather, rinse , repeat, and this is the perfect way for your partner to start disrespecting you and suddenly you are looking at another bad relationship.
How can your partner respect you if you don’t?

Settling is not compromise.
Settling is not trying something new.
Settling is not accepting a person as a whole entity.

Settling is deliberately short changing yourself.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Holy **** man, cut and run. Wake up!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

When the pain of staying in the relationship outweighs the pain of leaving, you'll move your ass.

Don't knock her up.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Condoms


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Maybe you've fallen into the "something is better than nothing" trap, OP, and are too lazy to start over even though you KNOW you should. It sounds like you'll stay stuck for a long time, unless something motivates you to take action. I'm with Cooper - as soon as something is clearly wrong or simply not working, I move on.


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