# Husband lying and looking for sex online



## fw10years (Feb 7, 2012)

My husband and I have been dating for 10 years. Long distance relationship for 6 years and married for 2 of those years. Have a beautiful baby girl. 

About 4 years into our relationship my husband admitted to having addiction to porn, I said I would help him by encouraging him to focus on other interests (gaming etc.). 

2 months before our wedding I asked him to spill his secrets in preparation for our marriage. He confided to having sex with a prostitute (right before I moved to his city to cut the distance) -- claiming that it was just a one-off incident because he was curious to know what it's like to have sex with a blonde (I'm Asian and we did not had pre-marital sex). I was of course devastated but since he appeared to genuinely regret that affair and promised to be the man I deserve, I agreed to proceed with the wedding. 

We had an okay time after the wedding, some fights here and there but I thought it's just part of the adjustment process. Sex life also went well until our first anniversary, when he stopped requesting for love making claiming he's tired, too lazy to shower, etc. During this time I also started discovering his lies about his financial situtation -- he started taking money out of our joint account without my consent, later on confessing he had major losses in stock markets. I offered to help him by taking care of the household expenses while he focuses on paying off his debts. 

Then we had an unplanned pregnancy; four months into the preganancy we stopped making love at his request as he worried that he was going to hurt the baby. I even consulted with the doctor re: safety and seduced him a few times but he continued to decline. 

I moved to his parents place for baby's birth as we live in a remote town with limited resources. When I moved back to our place I found out that he was browsing on craiglist and escorts websites for prostituition service. We had a fight, he said that he was just browsing those sites for pictures as part of his porn addiction. We reconciled at him stating he will not do that again.

And now the recent incident. After Christmas I again stayed at his parents place for them to have some bonding time with the grandbaby while he stays in town working (I'm on mat leave). Upon moving back I found that he was browsing online dating websites. He also had a weekend when he drove off to a city 1000+km away to attend a car appointment. He again said that he was just browsing profiles and that he just lost his mind when he did that. He promised that he did not have any physical encounter. I asked him for his profile and he showed me a profile which has no information entered. He also showed me a chronological order of gas receipts showing that he didn't have any chance to have sex with anyone. Later I searched under the same username and found in "cache mode" that his profile actually stated that he was looking for "one night stands", what he showed me when I asked him was a covered up version; in his actual profile he stated that he was based out of the 1000+km away city where he had the car appointment. I asked him and he stated that he modified that because he didn't want me to be upset. He insisted that he talked himself out of having affair... he also demonstrated he is honest by showing me another 2 dating websites where he registered, as well as a few other financial info. showing his investments.

I am at a loss of what to do. I do not know if I still love this man but obviously my baby needs him. I have difficulty believing anything he says as he has proven to me of having chronic lying issues. My values in marriage is telling me that I have to try to work on it, at least for the sake of our child. I talked to his mom who asked me to go to counselling with him-- he declined. I wanted to have access to his emails and bank accounts but he declined. I talked to him but he only responded in silence. His way of coping with it is to have sex with me -- we tried but I don't think either of us enjoyed it. 

Any guidence would be appreciated. Thanks!


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Your are in a tough place. My take is you are bieng lied to and cheat on. The hiding of of things is a big red flag for me. My best advice to you is get tested for STD's and start looking for a place to go or maybe he will leave. Maybe the two of you can work this out but his refusal for counseling is great cause for concern. I'm sorry you are here.


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## fw10years (Feb 7, 2012)

I appreciate your empathy. Yes I am probaby cheated on, but I still want try to work things through. Any advices on how I can at least try?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

fw10years said:


> I appreciate your empathy. Yes I am probaby cheated on, but I still want try to work things through. Any advices on how I can at least try?


Yes, focus on your needs and the needs of your child. That is the one thing you have control over, what you choose to focus on, right? Look at how much time and energy all this is taking up in your life! He is being selfish and sounds very manipulative and full of excuses every time he gets caught.

He is not being honest with you for whatever reason, who cares? He is lying and you have caught him at it several times, and he always diminishes what happened and gives you "the official version", which has turned out to be a lie.

I am in the same situation with my husband. I have forgiven him in the past for similar issues, only to find out recently, that he has been visiting online sex sites, when I ask for the truth, he diminishes, stalls, lies, deflects, answers a question with another question or refuses to speak.

You can't make deals with someone like that.

Here's a question to ask yourself... What would you do if you had proof he was cheating?

Is that what you are waiting for? Because he is going to try to keep that from you. Stop looking to him for the answer. He can't even solve his own problems! 

Go inside yourself and find your seat of wisdom. And don't make any decisions while you are upset and emotional. Wait until you are in your clear mind. 

And please take care of yourself.


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## fw10years (Feb 7, 2012)

Okay, so last night we laid everything on the table. I broke down, screamed, cried, opened up all those emotions I've bottled, stood up to him and told him he cannot step over my emotions like that. He magically agreed to seeing a counsellor and gave me passwords to all his email addresses, saved me a copy of all his bank and credit card statements. We had make-up sex. 

Yet I am NOT happy after all these. I feel like I've put myself in a vulnerable position again, I have a feeling that this will happen again; but I think we have to reconcile for the sake of our baby -- I came from a divorced family and I know that it really hurts (for the child). We are going for counselling, I'm going to check on him periodically. What's next? Is that anything else I've missed?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to look around here a bit more and read up on things like the 180. Your husband has been lying to you and cheating on you for years with NO consequences. Why would he stop now? I mean, you had MAKE UP SEX last night. What a great reward for him for what he's done.

Your child will be FAR better off with a mother that isn't being trampled on every time she turns around by a guy who simply doesn't care enough about her or his child to change his ways. So, you can either grow a backbone and start holding him accountable for what he's done, or leave him. 

He could also have email addresses, credit cards and a cell phone that you know nothing about, with which he will just continue doing what he's been doing.


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## AnnaS (Feb 1, 2012)

I wouldn't be surprised if he cleaned up his email account before he gave u the password.. my husband thought it would be cool to look innocent by emptying out his wallet -- after he took the viagra pill and brothel coupon out. 
I would still be suspicious if I were u. I miss the time before finding proof of his cheating but I am so thankful for knowing now so I can protect my health.


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