# How to deal w/ verbal abuse?



## rbenmbark (Aug 30, 2010)

I've been with my husband for 7 years...married for 6 months now. He has a very strong personality and gets very angry easily. When he gets really angry he calls me names like "B*tch" "Idiot"....and he curses a lot....one time he called me "C*nt"! I understand that I'm not perfect but i really keep my cool in these circumstances and do not raise my voice, curse or get angry at him at all...i try to reason with him and make him realize that his behavior is not acceptable and unnecessary....i try to say that over and over and all he sees me doing is "steering away from the topic at hand." I know this probably is categorized as verbal abuse...I tried to confront him before dinner the other night and i gave him a kiss and mentioned I wanted to talk about the we way we deal with our disagreements. He immediately got heated and started turning it around on me and blaming it all on me and saying he does NOT have an anger issue. I don't know what to do because everytime I think its a good time to talk about it, he freaks out and gets angry. I had told him in the past that I will not live like this and once after he told me to "TOUGHEN UP!!!!!!" in response to my setting boundaries, I finally just stuck up for myself and came back at him by acting and "yelling" and calling him names but pointed out that I was trying to show him thats how he acts....after i did that, he apologized 15 minutes after i "blew" up at him. The next day, he flipped out on me again. I do not want me or my 2 month old to grow up and live with this kind of environment. I refuse to communicate the way he does when there is a disagreement. what should i do????


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## rbenmbark (Aug 30, 2010)

We have a 2 month old daughter...It used to be easy to pick up and go....but now, he has his rights to his daughter. Its interesting that you know exactly how it goes down "stfu and listen"....or its "go the **** away!!!! GOOD BYE! GOOD BYE!!!" (and i usually go away, cept the one time i did stick up for myself because i noticed his power in the situation) SO next time, i will sit down and listen to his rant and do just that, repeat what he says....but why?
thanks for ur advice and time it helps a lot<3


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Presumably, your husband has a job with a boss, some coworkers, perhaps customers. Would they accept his verbal abuse? I'm guessing not. If your husband gets stopped by the police, will he expect them to tolerate his verbal abuse? One's spouse should be the beneficiary of the very best treatment one can give another, not the worst. Somewhere before Kindergarten, he should have learned the minimum necessary skills of acceptable social behavior.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

First, I believe Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse website will be helpful to you. There is a LOT of information on there about verbal abuse, about the person who *is* abused, and the abuser. From that site, here is a checklist--Signs of Verbal/Emotional Abuse: 

Does your partner: 
ignore your feelings? 
disrespect you? 
ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor? 
ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
withhold approval, appreciation or affection? 
give you the silent treatment? 
walk away without answering you? 
criticize you, call you names, yell at you? 
humiliate you privately or in public? 
roll his or her eyes when you talk? 
give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family? 
make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?
seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?
tell you you are too sensitive? 
hurt you especially when you are down? 
seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you? 
have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason? 
present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
"twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you? 
try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
complain about how badly you treat him or her? 
threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out? 
say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
ever left you stranded? 
ever threaten to hurt you or your family? 
ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"? 
seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure? 
promise to never do something hurtful again? 
harass you about imagined affairs? 
manipulate you with lies and contradictions? 
destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
drive like a road-rage junkie?
act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors? 
question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
interrupt you; hear but not really listen? 
make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?
use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then? 
incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame? 
try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"
frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?
Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:
You express your opinions less and less freely. 
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior?
You feel emotionally unsafe. 
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
You hope things will change...especially through your love and understanding.
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality. 
You doubt your own judgment. 
You doubt your abilities. 
You feel vulnerable and insecure. 
You are becoming increasingly depressed. 
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless. 
You have been or are afraid of your partner. 
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.​
From that site, here is a very good page on "Take Your Power: Tips for the Abused." Two of the things on that page really ring true. One is what I think HuntBrown was trying to tell you: "Never, ever defend your position. That puts you in a one-down position. You have no reason to explain yourself to anyone (but yourself). You don't need anyone's permission or approval. Don't bother trying to change someone's mind or make them see your point. It doesn't matter." The other is about using the broken record technique--which is what I think you were trying to do when you said something over and over and your hubby said you were not addressing the topic. "Use the "broken-record" technique. When the questions won't stop, calmly repeat your reply over and over again: "This is not the time. Stop now or I will go." "This is not the time. Stop now or I will go." Etc., etc., etc." The trick with the broken record technique is keep your tone soft and quiet, and while he is raging, keep repeating it over and over even when he says you are steering away from the topic...and have the record be something like this: "You are raging. Stop now or I will go." "You are raging and that is not acceptable to me. Stop now or I'm leaving." "You are still raging and if you do not stop I will go." I personally would count between five and ten of those statements, and then if he was still raging, I'd stand up, turn my back, not say a word, and walk out. Sometimes I would say, "I said I would leave and I'm going. I'll be back in 30 minutes" like a statement. 

The fact of the matter though is that you are aware he has an anger issue, and you are continuing to allow it in your life. If raging really is not acceptable, and you can not control him and make him change, you will have to leave until he can demonstrate to you for a consistent amount of time that he has dealt with his anger issues.


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## rbenmbark (Aug 30, 2010)

wow thanks affaircare, i'll check that website out

HUNTBROWN: Thank you sooo much for your advice and encouragement....

Last year, i left him and told him he needed to figure himself out and sort out his issues....he came back to me and admitted everything, he was so loving, gentle, compassionate, considerate and "civil"....as time went on he got more stressed from work, new baby etc and now he's back to his old ways. I have told him it must stop and that i will not life my life like this and i will not put my daughter in this type of atmosphere. Thank you for hearing me and ur caring...it means a lot even thou ur a stranger I wasn't sure if i was overreacting because its not ALL THE TIME but it does happen maybe once a week. 

I don't know if I should wait till the next confrontation to use the mirroring tactics...or if I should bring up my feelings at a calm time of day to see if we can discuss things without any certain arguement at hand. I am determined and we will find peace or I will leave. I think my main goal right now is to get him to realize that he does have anger issues...


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

rbenmbark,

I am impressed by your last message, having lived for nearly 18 years with a woman who met many of the points listed by affaircare, I wish I'd been as strong as you are.

No advice other than to continue to be strong and protect yourself and child.

Mark


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Don't know. Don't care... That sort of stuff is SO far down the respect continuum, that I don't think it should be tolerated in any way. Meaning, I would leave.

Two things i always maintained in my life and relationships. NERV EVER unsult and NEVER say things in anger to attempt to hurt or for the purpose of getting over. Mainly never say things you would regret later.

Doesnt sound like there is any regret here so, class level is so far down the food chain...

Pathetic cavemen. Its a disturbing situation. You need to nip it now... the bud has long passed.


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