# Am I doing the right things?



## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

I apologize in advance for the length of this post, I just want to make sure I cover the things people might ask about. 

My H and I (both in our 30s, one child) have been married for about 5 years. We’ve had a lot of issues throughout our relationship (me leaving, him leaving, not treating each other well, etc). We had cycles of having a big blow out fight where I would consider leaving and he would usually talk me into staying and working on things. 

I don’t think I ever really wanted to leave, I just felt unhappy and wanted to wake him up. We would make up and treat each other good for a few months but then fall back into our old patterns. I was overly critical, lazy, and just not very fun. I didn’t see the trouble I was contributing to our relationship, and my H took all of the blame. 

He blamed himself for the things that happened earlier on in our relationship and because I was so controlling and ‘better’ at relationships than him, he always thought he was the problem and held a lot of guilt. Of course I didn’t realize all of this at the time, but I honestly do now. 

He still doesn’t think I should take any blame, but I think his actions were mostly reactions to my actions and therefore I was causing a lot of the issues on my own. His biggest contribution to the breakdown of our marriage was not being honest about how he was feeling. He never told me he felt guilty, or like he wanted to leave because he was so unhappy.

In early November he finally told me he wanted to leave. I was shocked and heartbroken, obviously. I had threatened divorce before (horrible, I know) but never truly felt like it would happen. He started making plans to move out. 

I asked him if there was someone else, and of course he said no. I knew that our marriage was broken, so I accepted what he was saying but was still very suspicious.

I convinced him to go to MC. He told me he would go but only to help us deal with the divorce. I was hopeful that things could change. 

And they did. We started treating each other better (for real) communicating more, working on his feelings of failure and guilt, and I started working on myself. I was determined to be a better partner regardless of whether or not our marriage would work out.

He officially decided to stay in mid-January. Things were still going well and we were even talking about starting to save for a house.

A couple of days ago I did a random search on Facebook (not at all related to our situation) and found a second profile with his name. The only ‘friend’ on this profile was this woman he used to work with. I knew right then he was having an affair.

He immediately fessed up that they had continued talking after he left the job in late September. He admitted to a kiss and continued communication via Facebook and email. He claims the affair ended in late November when she just stopped responding to him. He says he was actually relieved it stopped because it was eating him up inside and he needed it to stop because he wasn’t going to stop it himself. 

He gave me his login info and I read the initial communication between them. He had already deleted the emails (a while back, he didn’t have a chance to do it between the time I found out and when I got access) so I have no idea how the relationship progressed.

The messages I read confirmed that this all 'officially' started on his last day of work. They also confirmed feelings, a kiss, and intention to meet up (but also confirmed the meet up was cancelled). He claims they never met up even though they discussed it. I do think it’s possible they did meet as around the time he told me he wanted to leave I started spending a lot of time out of the house with my friends. 

I really want to believe what he’s saying but it’s hard, as any BS knows. He has taken complete responsibility for it. Says he was unhappy and planning to leave so he justified it to himself, but acknowledges he shouldn’t have let it happen to begin with. The messages confirm she was the one who initiated and he resisted at first, but I’m not letting him blame her. And he hasn’t tried to. 

If things are still happening, I know it’s only written communication. I know many of you will doubt that I ‘know’ this, but we only have one car and work in the same building. We take all of our breaks together. She doesn’t work here. He almost never leaves the house without me, and if he does it’s long enough to get fast food (like 10 mins). I know that’s long enough to meet, but also know it’s not long enough to meet and still come home with dinner. 

We both want to work on things. I take responsibility for the state of our marriage and although I don’t believe it’s an excuse to cheat, I do see how something like that could happen. It’s happened to me before (though not while I was married and not involving my H). 

I have alist of things I want him to do to make me feel more comfortable as we move forward. He has been willing to do each one, but I worry I’m being too punitive. I also worry that I’ll never truly know if he’s not contacting her by some other means.

We are continuing counseling. We revealed the affair in our most recent session and the therapist said it will change the way we have been working but I understand that. 

I’ve asked him to stop playing a game he’s been playing for years since she knows his info and could potentially contact him there. He cancelled his account and deleted the game from all of our PCs. 

We’ve sent a NC letter to the OW. He will be downgrading to a phone without internet capabilities. I have access to all of his current emails, Facebook, etc. Of course there’s a possibility he’ll create something I don’t know about, but I’m not sure how to prevent that. 

We’re reading books on healing. He’s answering all of my questions (which are non-stop at this point) and giving me reassurance when I need it. 

I guess I just want perspective from someone else on the steps I’m taking. Am I being too hard or should I be doing something more?


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

I forgot to add that he is also seeking IC to work on his feelings of guilt and failure.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I don't think you're being too hard at all!

I would say this, "honey, in order to put this behind us and sooth my soul a little I would like you to take a polygraph." And see how he reacts. You see, it's rarely "just a kiss."

I'm so sorry you're here! hugs!


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Matos said:


> I forgot to add that he is also seeking IC to work on his feelings of guilt and failure.


he also needs to be working on WHY he chose to have an affair as a coping skill for pain. That should be the MAIN question. ANd your marriage didn't have anything to do with his choice.


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> I don't think you're being too hard at all!
> 
> I would say this, "honey, in order to put this behind us and sooth my soul a little I would like you to take a polygraph." And see how he reacts. You see, it's rarely "just a kiss."
> 
> I'm so sorry you're here! hugs!


I haven't considered a polygraph. Would I actually have to go through with it, or am I just trying to gauge his reaction?

I know the possibility is great that it was more than just a kiss. I have essentially convinced myself that it went as far as an affair can go. And even with that, I've decided I want to work on things. 

We have talked about how he needs to really think about the choice he made and why, and not just blame the marriage. I've asked what he was getting out of it and he said a fresh start. That really hurt because I can never give him that. But maybe he's just full of it or doesn't know what to say.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Matos said:


> I know the possibility is great that it was more than just a kiss. I have essentially convinced myself that it went as far as an affair can go. And even with that, I've decided I want to work on things.
> 
> .


while it's good to know this, you also deserve the truth. How will you move forward knowing he may or may not be telling you the truth about things in the past OR the present?

He needs to say to himself, "while I was in pain, what did I say to myself to give myself the green light?" because there might be OTHER instances in life that cause him pain. What will he do then? This is the part he needs to heal about himself.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

You have to schedule the polygraph then drive him to the office, he will likely confess in the car. Go through with it anyhow, as the confession will still be partial. It will go from kiss to oral to full sex. But the important part is that he comes clean so you can start over grounded in honesty.

Tamat


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> start over grounded in honesty.
> 
> Tamat


right here.


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> while it's good to know this, you also deserve the truth. How will you move forward knowing he may or may not be telling you the truth about things in the past OR the present?
> 
> He needs to say to himself, "while I was in pain, what did I say to myself to give myself the green light?" because there might be OTHER instances in life that cause him pain. What will he do then? This is the part he needs to heal about himself.


We had what I think was a good talk about this and I think he realizes he will need to explore this in IC. 

We also talked about a polygraph. He agreed to it. I'm going to start looking into it. 

Anything else I'm missing that I should be doing?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Matos said:


> Anything else I'm missing that I should be doing?


take REALLY good care of yourself and dont' do ANY of the work for him. I would detach a little until he can PROVE he is a safe partner for you.
Hugs!


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> take REALLY good care of yourself and dont' do ANY of the work for him. I would detach a little until he can PROVE he is a safe partner for you.
> Hugs!


I told him he needs to take the initiative to do what I'm asking and he is ok with that. 

I'm having a hard time detaching because I feel like I need so much reassurance from him right now.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Matos said:


> I told him he needs to take the initiative to do what I'm asking and he is ok with that.
> 
> I'm having a hard time detaching because I feel like I need so much reassurance from him right now.


and that is REALLY hard. I've been there. Looking back, I wish I'd known I would be ok whether we stayed together or not. I wish I'd left for a while and really enjoyed myself and not cared about what happened with him and to "us." But, it's hard. You've been traumatized. You want comfort.
Keep in mind that you WILL be ok and that going forward, it might be good if he knows what he could be missing and how STRONG you are with or without him. You don't need him.
And if you think you do... then that is work on yourself that needs to be done. It took me about 3 years to learn this lesson!


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Just a word of caution. It looks like he had some kind of exit affair. In that, the affair gave him the confidence to leave you. Not the usual case of leaving you because of an affair. 

Don't use his affair to go back to your old pattern of controlling him. if gaming is something he enjoys, don't take it away from him. He could always create a new account. 

Right now, he might be agreeable because of the guilt, but once things become normal again..your marriage will have the same old issues.


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

sparrow555 said:


> Just a word of caution. It looks like he had some kind of exit affair. In that, the affair gave him the confidence to leave you. Not the usual case of leaving you because of an affair.
> 
> Don't use his affair to go back to your old pattern of controlling him. if gaming is something he enjoys, don't take it away from him. He could always create a new account.
> 
> Right now, he might be agreeable because of the guilt, but once things become normal again..your marriage will have the same old issues.


I think I need to look into the exit affair idea more. Is that somehow better than any other kind of affair?  

The game he got rid of is one he rarely plays as he is focused on a different game right now. I don't intent on it being a forever-ban, I just need something right now to make me feel a bit more secure. 

I do worry a lot about the resentment he might have for me because of the things I want him to do. He swears he won't resent me and understands why I'm asking for what I'm asking for, but I worry that after a while the resentment will creep back in. We are definitely working on our issues, and I know that this whole thing could create a bunch of new issues. I guess I don't know how to get the security I need without him feeling completely controlled.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You're off to a good start in your R attempt.

Both of you becoming healthy individuals will prove the most productive towards having a healthy marriage at this point.

The affair definitely looks over and transparency is in place.

Best to keep it up while working to improve yourselves while he digs into himself to reveal his malfunction and fix it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Matos said:


> I do worry a lot about the resentment he might have for me because of the things I want him to do. He swears he won't resent me and understands why I'm asking for what I'm asking for, but I worry that after a while the resentment will creep back in. We are definitely working on our issues, and I know that this whole thing could create a bunch of new issues. I guess I don't know how to get the security I need without him feeling completely controlled.


he shouldn't resent you. that is ridiculous. you're giving him a GIFT of recovering with you. If he doesn't like the new rules he can get a new wife.
For the record Matos, I am also a fWW - And I would give up any hobby that bothered hubby. 
If he feels resentment, he needs to deal with it healthfully, not passive aggressively. The onus is ON HIM. To PROVE he can be a safe partner.


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> he shouldn't resent you. that is ridiculous. you're giving him a GIFT of recovering with you. If he doesn't like the new rules he can get a new wife.
> For the record Matos, I am also a fWW - And I would give up any hobby that bothered hubby.
> If he feels resentment, he needs to deal with it healthfully, not passive aggressively. The onus is ON HIM. To PROVE he can be a safe partner.


He's so conflict-avoidant that I might never know if he was really upset by some of my 'rules'. Not that he should be. I think I'm being fairly reasonable. And I guess he needs to decide if the marriage is worth it enough for him to do all of these things without complaint. Which he claims to be, but I feel like I'll never truly know.

I also worry about the constant monitoring I'll have to do. It seems like a lot of work. And it kills me to think that someday I'll feel comfortable enough to stop and then the whole thing could start all over. But I suppose that's the risk I'm taking by deciding to stay.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Matos said:


> He's so conflict-avoidant


this is part of him that needs to be fixed in IC... it is the part that got him into trouble as a WS. he was running from something.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is responsible for his affair.

But how many times did you threaten him with divorce?

You told him the marriage was over many times.

He should have waited for the divorce before finding someone else.

But people sometimes do the wrong thing.

I would suggest continued counselling to salvage your relationship/marriage or to at the very least ensure it ends as gracefully as possible.

Both of you owe your child big time.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Matos said:


> I haven't considered a polygraph. Would I actually have to go through with it, or am I just trying to gauge his reaction?


Never...ever...ever play brinksmanship unless you are willing to go over the brink. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Your husband is responsible for his affair.
> 
> But how many times did you threaten him with divorce?
> 
> ...


I'm certainly not defending my throwing around threats of divorce, but it was never to the point where we discussed actually getting divorced. It was more along the lines of having conversations where I would say 'Maybe this just isn't working' or 'Maybe we should think about not being together'. But I appreciate your point. Those words can be just as damaging as actually pulling the trigger. 

And we always 'made up'. He never told me he was still worried about the status of our marriage. I've learned a lot in counseling with him about how he was always insecure about my feelings for him. About how he worried every fight was the last fight and I'd finally decide to leave. Eventually he started wanting that to happen, he says to escape the pain. 

I honestly had NO IDEA he felt that way. I always thought I was the insecure one, always questioning how he felt. It amazed me when he revealed these thoughts. I see my contribution to how he was feeling and the state of our marriage. Without defending him, I can also see how that would lead him down the path he chose. 

I do honestly believe it was a wrong choice and not a malicious attempt to deceive me. I'm trying to believe he wants to work things out. We are definitely continuing counseling, and many many other things outside of counseling, as at this point we both want it to work (if I believe what he's saying).


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Funny, my WW was insecure in our relationship as well - that I would leave her over another woman... recently learned that.

Failure to communicate leads to situations like this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Matos said:


> I'm certainly not defending my throwing around threats of divorce, but it was never to the point where we discussed actually getting divorced. It was more along the lines of having conversations where I would say 'Maybe this just isn't working' or 'Maybe we should think about not being together'. But I appreciate your point. Those words can be just as damaging as actually pulling the trigger.
> 
> And we always 'made up'. He never told me he was still worried about the status of our marriage. I've learned a lot in counseling with him about how he was always insecure about my feelings for him. About how he worried every fight was the last fight and I'd finally decide to leave. Eventually he started wanting that to happen, he says to escape the pain.
> 
> ...


My wife pulls this "We will have to separate" s**t and it hurts.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> My wife pulls this "We will have to separate" s**t and it hurts.


Ugh, I didn't know it hurts, tell me about it, I want to learn more. I didn't even know it was wrong until just very recently.  I used to do that to my wife all the time. Now I feel like crap:|


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

TaDor said:


> Funny, my WW was insecure in our relationship as well - that I would leave her over another woman... recently learned that.
> 
> Failure to communicate leads to situations like this.


Yes it does, and it's very sad. He also says he thought expressing his insecurities and unhappiness would make me give up on him. I think I've made him afraid to open up about the bad/sad feelings he's having about our relationship. And I'm not sure how to fix that.

Before I knew about the affair, we were working on communication in therapy. Now that I know about the affair, it's all we talk about. So what happens to all of the problems that contributed to how he felt that helped lead him down that path? Which is more important? 

That's one of my burning questions.


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> My wife pulls this "We will have to separate" s**t and it hurts.


And I don't want to do that anymore, now that I know how much it hurt him. But I don't know how to repair the hurt he already feels. How to make him believe I'm not just going to call it off.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Matos said:


> And I don't want to do that anymore, now that I know how much it hurt him. But I don't know how to repair the hurt he already feels. How to make him believe I'm not just going to call it off.


Just do the best you can. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

It takes many months or a year or so to recover from an affair... on top of communications.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

sparrow555 said:


> Just a word of caution. It looks like he had some kind of exit affair. In that, the affair gave him the confidence to leave you. Not the usual case of leaving you because of an affair.
> 
> Don't use his affair to go back to your old pattern of controlling him. if gaming is something he enjoys, don't take it away from him. He could always create a new account.
> 
> Right now, he might be agreeable because of the guilt, but once things become normal again..your marriage will have the same old issues.


I am glad a women said this.

WS is a cheater, no excuse.

BS is rough around the edges. She needs to use the raspy _file_ to smooth her feathers, not the _bastard_ one, that many use.

If not for her current husband, then for the next one.

She sees the light. Will she bask in it and get the tan or will she flip the switch and return to the life before.........D-Day?


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