# No way to win



## bmtgrl

my husband and I just talked and now I feel worse. Things had been going ok for the last few weeks, but we had not really talked about stuff. So I asked him to sit down and talk tonight.
Remember when I said he had asked all those question about what my goals were and what I wanted and stuff? Well, I had typed up answers awhile ago. He read them and made some notes to respond but we just hadn't sat down to discuss it.
The big thing seams to be that he is not happy with me only working part time and not having a higher level of responsibility. He wants me to work more and make more money even if that means I'm in a job I hate. He wants me to be a career woman. He thinks I should have goals outside of my family. He said he feels like we have a parent/child relationship. He said he takes care of everything. He has to go to work and run the whole organization and then come home and run the house too. 
I'm so upset right now. I guess I should have pointed out to him that I'm the one who takes care of everything for our child, and I'm the one who buys the groceries, and I'm the one who cooks the meals. 
Yes, I want to be taken care of. Is that so bad? I am glad that he pays for the majority of the bills and takes care of the financial aspect of things. He asks me "what do I get for it"? I really don't know how to answer that. 
I've been trying lately to say nice things and thank him for the things that he does. But I just don't think I can make him happy. 
I don't see how I'm going to be happy either way. If I do what he wants and work a full time job with high responsibility, I'm going to be unhappy and tired and that will affect us negatively. If I continue to work part time, and now at a job that I think will really work out good for me, he won't be happy and that may continue our downward slope.
What am I going to do when he says it's over? I can't afford to keep the house. He would want me to be the one to leave anyway. I don't know what I will do. I would want to leave here and go back to where I would have support from family, but I really don't think he would allow that becaue then he wouldn't get to see our child very much, so I would be stuck here living in some low income hole with not enough money to be able to even go up to visit.
He knew I was a family first person, and I thought he was too. Now he's a career first person. Back when we were dating, he knew how important it was for me to be able to focus on raising a family. He did say then that he wanted a two income family. Well, I thought we had come to a compromise with me working part time. I've been working part time for about 5 years and now all of sudden it's not ok anymore.
Also, he had a work outing tonight to go to. We talked about it earlier today and I asked him if he could just make him apperance and come home. I asked him to not say late tonight. (other times he stays late because he would rather stay out with his friends than come home). Well, he did get home early and I made a point to tell him Thank You for coming home early (even though my Thank You didn't seam very well received). Then when we were talking tonight he said I pestered him to come home early. I can't win with him. I told him that I want to be priority over his work and his friends. But he would rather be with them than me (he said this). 
How am I supposed to respond to this? So this is what I am dealing with on a regular basis. 
Then he often says that I am never happy. How am I supposed to be happy when my husband would rather be out with his friends (who are mostly female) than home with his family?


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## Liza

I guess I could trade places with you, my husband says as soon as he is able to support our family financially I will have to stop working. I don't want to do that, as I love my independence. 

I suggest though that you either go back to school for something you feel you can manage or if you already have your qualifications, get a good job because if he leaves you, you are going to need something to fall back on.


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## tragic

I hate to break it to you but it sounds to me like your husband is comparing you to someone else. Its a ****ty position to be in but you need to slap on a pair of cajones and take your marriage back.

Caring for children IS WORK. You might not be getting paid for it but just because this society doesn't attribute economic value into raising children doesn't me its not work.

At present you have two jobs, one full time and one part time and you need to slap some awareness into your husbands head and make him realize that most kids out there are institutionalized at a very young age and shuffled through a capitalistic society that encourages women to dump their kids in day care and get back to work ASAP because you don't count in this society unless you are paying taxes.

I have three kids and let me tell you, whether women are willing to admit it or not, there's a huge difference in the way kids are raised when the parent stays home and the way it goes down when the parent goes to work. You think of all these tired folks dragging themselves home at the end of the day, and it might shock you to realize that your child has been stuck in day care probably an hour more than your day has gone.

I know its not popular to talk about how staying home is better for the child since so many parents do take their kids to day care but the truth is if you want to stay home its much much much a million times better for the child to be raised by their parent than a total stranger.

I suggest you sit down with your husband and explain to him that you do have a job, its called being a mother and he needs to wake up and smell the coffee.


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## Green-Moo

I think that Tragic has spelt it out pretty good, but how about costing out your worth as a Mom? Calculate exactly how much you'd need to spend in order to work full time. Include all the obvious things like childcare, transport, lunches etc, but also include the additional cost of takeaway meals for when you're too tired after a day's work to cook, or buying shop bought cakes because you haven't time to make them etc. And include taxes. Then work out what hourly rate you would need to acheive to make your working full time worthwhile to your family. I bet he'll suddenly start appreciate having you around the home a hell of allot more!


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## stav

How old is your child? As you work part time I assume it is in daycare/school of some sort for at least part of the day.

Work out what you would earn if you took your current job full time, and then find out how much it would cost to have your child in daycare full time, plus someone to take them to school and pick them up, or additional transport costs if you or your husband did it.

That will probably be enough to make him think about it more!

As for the rest, your self esteem is low, why shouldn't you take care of the bills? You are more than capable, you just need a little more confidence in yourself. Why not try taking on some small section, say the utilities, and see how you go with that? 

Once you are a little more outgoing, your hubby will realise what an interesting and fun wife he has at home, and will rush back without being asked!

Oh as for 'what do i get or it'
Make a list..

Your shirts washed and beautifully pressed.
Your socks matched into pairs and put in your drawer.
Your other clothes washed and folded and ready for your use.
Your meals lovingly prepared nightly and waiting on the table
Your child, cared for, educated, washed and clothed.
Your cupboards well stocked with all the food and drink you like.
Your home made warm and welcoming and kept clean and neat.
Your wife the perfect hostess when you have guests.

etc.. 

Start writing it down, then next time he says, 'what do i get' 

GIVE IT TO HIM!


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## Immortalone

I hope you don't mind but I'm going to put in a man's point of view here. Not saying it is right or wrong just a diffrent look at it.

First, men put alot of worth into our job. We judge ourselves at acheaving at it and strive to do better at it. We see people in our life as judging us through our standing and mainly our standing in our work place. It is how we feel we provide for our family and show them love. I know women want there man to show there love by putting there home and familey first but in our eyes that is exactly what we are doinog. Even if we can't stand the job we will strive to get ahead in it. In our eyes us getting ahead in the job is providing more for our familey so there for we are showing our love more by working long hours and bringing home more pay.

Secondly, if your husband takes care of all the bills and now wants you to work a full time job then the chances are he has run into a snag. You would think we would be able to sit down with our spouces and say hey. I am having a hard time makeing this payment is there something we can cut back on or can the two of us put in a few more hours a week until this is cleared up. That would be great but here agian as a man we don't do that. Instead we hold the burden into ourselves thinking in our mind that if we did admit this to our spouce then we failed them. The problem is we do this for so long that the problem gets bigger and more urgent. At that point we start lashing out as your husband is doing. What you see as him not being happy and makeing unfair demands on you I see as a cry for help. I could be wrong but I think it would be worth sitting down with your husband. Going over the bills with him. Not judging him if there is a problem and figure a solution out together. 

Just my 2 cents worth as a man. Hope this helps some.
Robert


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## draconis

stav said:


> Oh as for 'what do i get or it'
> Make a list..
> 
> Your shirts washed and beautifully pressed.
> Your socks matched into pairs and put in your drawer.
> Your other clothes washed and folded and ready for your use.
> Your meals lovingly prepared nightly and waiting on the table
> Your child, cared for, educated, washed and clothed.
> Your cupboards well stocked with all the food and drink you like.
> Your home made warm and welcoming and kept clean and neat.
> Your wife the perfect hostess when you have guests.


:iagree:
and kudos for the best post I read today

draconis


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## Maxie

bmtgrl said:


> I guess I should have pointed out to him that I'm the one who takes care of everything for our child, and I'm the one who buys the groceries, and I'm the one who cooks the meals.



Yes that is exactly what you should have done. Don't let him devalue what your contribute to the family! 



bmtgrl said:


> Then he often says that I am never happy. How am I supposed to be happy when my husband would rather be out with his friends (who are mostly female) than home with his family?


From reading your entire post it sounds as if he is the one that is never happy. 

I think your both need counseling, he needs to get his values straight and your need to stand up for yourself.


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## Green-Moo

stav said:


> Start writing it down, then next time he says, 'what do i get'
> 
> GIVE IT TO HIM!



I'd be quite tempted, if this appeaoch doesn't work, to STOP giving it to him. So, his dirty pants will stay on the floor, his dirty dishes in the sink and his shirts will remain unironed. He might appreciate those things more if he DIDN'T have them!!


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## stav

yep, I would call that step two in the action plan. When you are being taken for granted, the fastest way to show how important your contribution is, is to stop doing it.


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## Liza

I like what ImortalOne commented on, giving us an insight as to the thinking behind his behaviour. Just do what you have to do without being rude or disrespectful.


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