# Hard decision on leaving a 33 yr marriage



## longtermlucy (Jan 19, 2014)

I am new to this forum and need advice.
I have been married to a great guy for 33 yrs. We have weathered a lot together and I do love him and don't want to hurt him. Our children are all adults now. My reasons don't even seem good enough or severe enough. But, I am seriously considering leaving my marriage.

Part of my problem is that I have not been sexually attracted to my husband for most of our marriage. Our sex life has been almost non-existent for the last 5 years.... largely due to my lack of interest....not his. Sex had been a wifely chore for me for a very long time. I knew it was important to a marriage. But, I just got to the point where I couldn't do "it" anymore. I have never said my feelings to him, of course. but, I realize that he has to know it on some level. I have felt unhappy for many years. Because I believe in my vows so I have tried to stick it out. But, I don't want to live a passionless existence anymore. 

Also complicating matters is that as time goes by, I feel more like his mother. This is in part due to the fact that I feel that I shoulder the primary responsibility in many areas including working, handling our finances and running the household (he does cut the grass and takes care of the cars). And, my job provides our medical coverage and covers most of our bills. 

Five years ago he told me that he didn't trust me and never did fully. He went on to insinuate that I had been unfaithful all those times that I worked late hours. I was shocked! And very hurt! I know he does not generally trust people. But, I thought that surely he trusted me. I definitely trusted him. Although he has tried to take back what he said, I have not been the same since he said it. In spite of all this, he has said that he is happy and he has enjoyed being married to me.

I stepped up on trying to keep him aware of where I was. Calling him on my office phone instead of my cell so that he could see from the caller id that I was truly working overtime and not out doing whatever. I had never looked at another man and had been faithful all that time. Until......

three years ago my life changed forever.......what started out as a friendship turned in to an extramarital affair. I fell in love with the OM. Although I have tried, I can't stay away from this OM who wants to marry me. And I want to marry him. 

I don't know what to do......take a chance on this new love or "til death us do part" with my husband. All the situations I see posted on forums that are similar to mine are from people with young children. I don't have young children. The stakes are still very high. 

Do people do this at my age?


----------



## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

I guess your husband was right about 3 out of the 5 years that he didnt trust you.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I don't see much point in continuing an empty marriage. You're more or less living together in mutual distrust and distaste. Take a chance on potential happiness, IMO.


----------



## longtermlucy (Jan 19, 2014)

response to Farmer_J........True enough about the last 3 years. But he was wrong about the first 30 of those 33 years.


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I divorced after 36 years. A year after the break I remarried. That was almost three years ago and I am very happy. Age has little to do with love.


----------



## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

longtermlucy said:


> response to Farmer_J........True enough about the last 3 years. But he was wrong about the first 30 of those 33 years.


How about you be honest with your husband and tell him everything. He at least deserves the truth about your unfaithfulness. Let your children know too.
And if your otherman is married, his wife ought to know what is going on as well.

You sound like a cake-eater. You like the attention from this otherman but at the same time you are still with your husband for some reason...maybe the reason is that he offer financial security.

Anyway stop playing games. Just be honest about what you are doing. Tell your husband. Let him go out and meet another woman that he can be intimate with. Make it a fair game, at least for your husbands sake.
He deserves at least that much....the truth.


----------



## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Farmer_J said:


> How about you be honest with your husband and tell him everything. He at least deserves the truth about your unfaithfulness. Let your children know too.
> And if your otherman is married, his wife ought to know what is going on as well.
> 
> You sound like a cake-eater. You like the attention from this otherman but at the same time you are still with your husband for some reason...maybe the reason is that he offer financial security.
> ...


Farmer, you are assuming that OP husband was faithful during their marriage as she didn't mention otherwise...

I am assuming he was not and that is why he doesn't trust OP.

I never suspected my XH but he re-married very quickly after our divorce - in less than 3 months and after that I started to think that probably he had an affair.... or went crazy after the divorce 

OP, i understand you are afraid to take a risk and jump into unknown... 

Try to define what you want to do with the rest of your life, then take actions - not before. In case you want a quick divorce, confess your affair... that would probably speed the things up.


----------



## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

Aerith, the OP didnt mention anything about her husband cheating on her. Actually she states that she definitely trusted him.....

Maybe she has done this before and thats the reason he doesnt trust her.

The OP has been having an affair for 3 years while living with her husband. Him none the wiser. How is that fair.....

The fair thing would be to let her husband know the truth. If what she has with the OM is so great then let everyone know rather than keeping it a secret. 
But there is a reason why its kept a secret....b/c its considered wrong by almost everyone in society.....the OP`s children would surely disapprove, friends would disapprove, etc, etc, etc.
You can‘t paint a happy picture to everyone that infidelity is a wonderful thing.

Im not saying she has to stay with the husband. But at least be honest with him and the OM‘s wife. They deserve to make a choice in what they want to do...so far they have been robbed of a choice for 3 years.


----------



## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Farmer, 

I agree with what you are saying. 

But my perception here was no happiness in OP partner family for a long time.

And, again, my percepption, there is no intentions to improve the relationship. 

Sure, she should tell her husband at some point - the only question is when.


----------



## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

Aerith said:


> Farmer,
> 
> I agree with what you are saying.
> 
> ...


Even if there has been long term unhappiness with her partner, it doesn't justify keeping an affair a secret.

Obviously there were no intentions to improve the relationship since she is in a relationship with another man while living with here husband at the same time.

The OP should have told here husband how she felt before having an affair. That would have been the more honorable thing to do.
Marriage Relationships shouldn't be like changing jobs.....having one while looking for another.
If it is fair in your mind, then the spouse should be allowed to get their own affair partner. 

OP should have told her spouse 3 years ago. Then he could decide what he wanted to do. Also the OMs wife, she should have had the same privilege.

For goodness sakes, OP is telling strangers on a forum about her affair but not the people that it will affect the most.


----------



## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

longtermlucy said:


> I have felt unhappy for many years.


Why have you been unhappy? You can't blame it all on Hubby, especially when you admit he's a "great guy".

Happiness doesn't come from another person, it comes from within. 

In order to justify bailing on your H, you HAVE to now believe you never had passion for him all those years. This is your mind rationalizing why it's ok to have an affair.

Yet the fact that you stayed with H all that time, and did not cheat, tells the real story.

What you were searching for, and found, is called Limerence. It will pass, and then you will be back to where you were before meeting him. Except you will then have regrets for bailing on a great man, who stood by you.

Unfortunately, if you do drop the OM and stay with H, you may always wonder "What If". 

Tough spot you've gotten yourself into. I feel sorry for the great man your H is.


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

You should have divorced him three years ago. Now you're just another cheating wife.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

longtermlucy said:


> I don't know what to do......take a chance on this new love or "til death us do part" with my husband.


Marriage and vows are over rated. People break those meaningless promises ALL the time. Why be unhappy for the rest of your life just because you made a bad choice?



longtermlucy said:


> Do people do this at my age?


When you ask if people do something at your age it would be helpful to state your age.

I have a question. Why not just be honest with your husband? Tell him you haven't been attracted to him for a long time and you never cheated on him all those times he didn't trust you but in the end he was right and you are in fact now cheating on him and considering leaving him for this other guy. Then see how things play out. Don't be a coward and live a lie.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nothing is going to be right unless you first tell your H the truth. Then see what happens.


----------



## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

So many questions come to mind.

How much of an effort have you made to improve your marriage? Did you ever seek counseling (alone or as a couple) to address your decreased sexual attraction to your husband? It seems like you two have reversed the traditional male/female roles to some extent. How do you feel about that? Do you resent it? Do you resent him?

What sort of physical shape are you both in? Does you husband have health problems? Is that why he's not able to hold up his end financially?

There is just a ton of stuff here that the two of you should probably have taken to a marriage counselor. You don't mention it, so I assume you didn't.

I'm going to state some assumptions and then post my final question. I'm assuming that you're in relatively good shape and are relatively good looking for your age. I'm also going to assume that your husband has some health issues and that his looks may have declined over the years.

Now, when you hear people talking about a guy who divorces his dumpy wife in order to trade her in for a younger, fitter woman, how do you feel?


----------



## longtermlucy (Jan 19, 2014)

Much of your comments here are directed at CONVICTING ME.... which I already have convicted myself. And also some of the advice doesn't show much regard for my H's feelings either. Cuz if I were to stay with my H (as I am trying to do), what good would it do to tell him? True that it would get things off my chest and bring him up to date, but it would hurt him terribly. And for what? I am not OK with cheating and never ever thought I would do it (made it 30 yrs). But, guess what? It happens to a large percentage of marriages. And as statistics show for a large number of the unfaithful, it often was not intentional in that it was not actively sought. It happened out of a friendship that gradually crossed the line to love.....even before sex entered the picture. Not an excuse. Just reality. 

Also, I have been to individual counseling as well as I have talked with my H about not being happy over recent years. Some of the reasons for my unhappiness have to do with our marriage.....lack of passion, feeling like his mother, finances,etc. But, most have to do with me myself. I am working on making changes to me as I realized long ago that my happiness comes from within me. But, our relationships with key people are also highly impactful on one's happiness, too. Counselor advice is to look at what needs the OM was filling and to try to get those needs met somehow with my H. Else, I am vulnerable to this happening again. In any case, I should make a decision (OM or H) and stick with it. We are all three good and decent people despite human flaws.

I am at a crossroads because I can't go on cheating. I have never been ok with it and it has caused me a lot of anguish.....which I deserve. After all this, I will go out of my way to make sure that I don't let it happen again. whether or not I stay with my H or the OM. BTW, the OM is divorced. His divorce happened before me.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Lucy, I am not sure what are you looking here, many people is telling you what you should do to rebuild a healthy marriage wich is coming clean with your husbands, you can not rebuild a marriage with foundations of lies and deceptions, what good will that do if you suddendly renew your vows and create a new marriage and then your husband discover the true and destroys everytning.

maybe you are looking for cheap advices like the ones given in affair sites where they encourage to keep the affair on the side and the stability of the marriage as anchor, but that is not marriage that is taking adventage of the ignorance of the person who is performing as anchor.

what other option you have?, cut OM and try to renew your marriage with that secret?, you obviously will not be able to do it, you have been cheating on your husband for 3 years at this point if you have not stopped the affair is because you don't want or you are not able to do it, a 3 year affair is not a mistake or a bad choice, is a constantly serie of choices to plot, deceive, manipulate, betray your husband.

your affair will not end until you are caught or OM dumps you.

at this point the best you can do is to come clean and file for divorce, it will probably break your husband heart but it will reforcé the idea that he was right and that you were not commited to him because you feelings and body were invested in other place.

besides while you keep being "in love" with OM you will not Able to commit to your husband. unfotunatly for you, probably OM is just having fun with you because other wise he would have done the impossible for you to divorce and begin a serious relationship with him, but that is not the topic we are discussing here, so, come clean, divorce, give your husband the opportunity to find someone who can give your husband what your are giving to OM, if you already find "love" with a "good man" who have no probems banging another man's wife for 3 years without worrying of responsabilities then go to him and free your husband from the lie he is living.


----------



## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

longtermlucy said:


> three years ago my life changed forever.......what started out as a friendship turned in to an extramarital affair. I fell in love with the OM. Although I have tried, I can't stay away from this OM who wants to marry me. And I want to marry him.


OP: this right here is why all the guilt and worry on your part will make absolutely no difference. 

You already have made up your mind, you already have checked out of the marriage, you already have your desires and your hopes for the future pinned on the OM. He is everything to you and all the excuses about your husband being a good man are for nothing, absolutely nothing. You are so deep in the fog that you can't see your husband for who he might be.

That is why posters here are telling you to be honest. With yourself and with him. 

It's not us convicting you, it's getting you to realize that you are not even close to being able to find anything good in your marraige, because as long as this OM is in your mind, soul, and your bed, you have no marriage. It is on paper only and papers can be tossed out.

Being honest with your husband may not be the most advantageous thing to do. It may cause a lot of hurt, but do you think it will be any less than if you walk in the door one day with divorce papers in your hand? Are you going to keep your lover a secret and tell your husband that it's because you don't love him anymore? In other words, are you going to keep up the lie even and especially if you leave him?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

longtermlucy said:


> And also some of the advice doesn't show much regard for my H's feelings either. Cuz if I were to stay with my H (as I am trying to do), what good would it do to tell him?


Says every cheater, ever.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

longtermlucy said:


> But, guess what? It happens to a large percentage of marriages. And as statistics show for a large number of the unfaithful, it often was not intentional in that it was not actively sought. It happened out of a friendship that gradually crossed the line to love.....even before sex entered the picture. Not an excuse. Just reality.


Also says every cheater, ever.


----------



## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

If the Op had "already made up her mind" I don't think she'd be here posting.

Lucy, the reason we are advising you to tell H, is because being 100% transparent with him is the only way you'll be able to drop OM. 

Most affairs do not lead to M. 

The few that do, usually don't last long.

There's a reason M's last 30 years, (like mine!) and it's because partners have learned how to work things out. How terrible to just throw this all away.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PreRaphaelite said:


> as long as this OM is in your mind, soul, and your bed, you have no marriage.


This is the only thing you need to understand. As long as you care about OM, you will NEVER be doing the right thing, no matter what you choose. 

You don't like being your H's mother?

STOP.

You don't like being the one doing the finances? 

STOP.

You don't like being the one bringing in the money?

STOP.

But don't go making excuses for why it's the marriage that drove you into another man's arms.

Until you can look yourself in the mirror and convict YOURSELF, your life is a sham, going to IC is a sham, your marriage is a sham, and any relationship you go into with OM is a sham. This is a deal with the devil and, while it may seem tempting right now, 5 years from now when your whole family has shunned you for what you did and choosing not to fix things, it won't add up to much.

What you need in your life right now is integrity. That means honesty, humility, and taking your lumps. Once you do that, THEN you can take an honest look at your marriage and decide whether to leave it - alone.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You stopped having relations with your husband, which was as you say your choice.

Sorry, but I really triggered reading your posts. Please tell me that you do not live in the middle of the US. 

You rejected your husband for relations. But did you reject the OM for relations? Would the OM still be around without any relations with you?

How will your OM like it without any relations? Hopefully you will tell the OM, that you do not like relations with someone that you marry. So the OM should not marry you. 

When you go to be with your OM, it will not be the same as the fantasy. Your H will not be there to fix the cars. 

In order to justify your cheating, you have magnified the faults of your H. 

I think that you are not my wife, because I handle all of the finances for my family. 

I have been married longer, 39 years. The last 3 years have made the first 36 years seem like they were not a real and a huge lie.

Your OM would never lie to you. My wife's OM did not disclose his prison record for molesting children. What a huge shock that the OM will not tell the whole truth. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. 

I have grandchildren. I do not want the OM around my grandchildren.

I do not look like I did when we got married. I do exercise but after 3 score years, I have worked so hard to provide for my family. That was one way I tried to be a good husband and provider. I have never cheated on my wife. 

I wish I could say the same for her. Someone else told me. The OM had another AP. She had people call me and send me evidence of the affair.

What a shock that her soul mate had another "soulmate".

She still denies every thing to this day. But I know that she lies and lies and lies. She has killed the love that I used to have for her.

Tell your H now before someone else tells him. Your OM would never lie to you? The cheating is bad, but the lies and the deception, who is this person. She was a good person at one time. But I can not recognize her with all the deception and the lies. Who has she become? 

Why did she do it? She was selfish. She did not see that her H was so much more of a man than the cheating OM. 

I told her I was leaving. She said she was coming with me. 

Your lies that you tell, the lies that you tell by not telling the truth, the deception, the refusal of relations so that you could cheat, who are you? 

Your H's worst enemy would stab him in the back over and over and over. 

when you rip out his heart, cut it into little pieces, throw the pieces into the fire and then take a dump on it, you must really hate your H.

He must be the worst man in the world.

Sorry that I triggered. I have to do exercise to calm down.

Because your H is not the worst person in the world. I must be.

I am shaking.


----------



## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Lucy, please don't let this ^^^ scare you. Spouses and marriages can heal after betrayal. 

Not that it'll be easy, but nothing worthwhile is.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I say get out now. I was in a loveless, sexless marriage for 20 years. And unlike you, I did have kids at home to consider. Leaving the marriage was the best thing I ever did. I am in a very happy relationship and have never looked back.

Tell your husband exactly what you told us. You owe him the dignity of the truth, whether it hurts him or not. Either way, stay or go, he will be hurt. If you stay, you will likely never be true "marriage partners", rather you will continue mothering him and the resentment will build. And once you tell him the truth, he will be devastated and your marriage will be in even worse shape than it already is.


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

longtermlucy said:


> Much of your comments here are directed at CONVICTING ME.... which I already have convicted myself. And also some of the advice doesn't show much regard for my H's feelings either. Cuz if I were to stay with my H (as I am trying to do), what good would it do to tell him? True that it would get things off my chest and bring him up to date, but it would hurt him terribly. And for what? *I am not OK with cheating* *(but have done it for three years with no plans to stop)*and never ever thought I would do it (made it 30 yrs). But, guess what? It happens to a large percentage of marriages. And as statistics show for a large number of the unfaithful, it often was not intentional in that it was not actively sought. It happened out of a friendship that gradually crossed the line to love.....even before sex entered the picture. *Not an excuse.* *???* Just reality.
> 
> Also, I have been to individual counseling as well as I have talked with my H about not being happy over recent years. Some of the reasons for my unhappiness have to do with our marriage.....lack of passion, feeling like his mother, finances,etc. But, most have to do with me myself. I am working on making changes to me as I realized long ago that my happiness comes from within me. But, our relationships with key people are also highly impactful on one's happiness, too. *Counselor advice is to look at what needs the OM was filling and to try to get those needs met somehow with my H.* *Frankly, you need a new counselor.* Else, I am vulnerable to this happening again. In any case, I should make a decision (OM or H) and stick with it. *We are all three good and decent people despite human flaws.* *And one of you is completely in the dark about everything.*
> 
> I am at a crossroads because I can't go on cheating. I have never been ok with it and it has caused me a lot of anguish.....which I deserve. After all this, I will go out of my way to make sure that I don't let it happen again. whether or not I stay with my H or the OM. BTW, the OM is divorced. His divorce happened before me.


It's not convicting. We truly want to help. It's called tough love. What you are doing is WRONG. It is UNFAIR to your H. He has the right to know the truth. At this point, the decision to stay married should belong to him, not you. You gave up that right three years ago with your special friend. The right thing to do is end your A, then tell your H the truth, then fix yourself whichever way things go.


----------



## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

longtermlucy,

I don't know what to say about this. What kind of anguish do you suffer? You cheated and continue to cheat. You are married to one person and have sex with another person. You know that's wrong but continue to do it?

If a guy hit his wife, then regretted it, but he continually beating his wife even though he's in anguish and convicted himself. Does that make it ok? I guess, in your corrupted mind, it is.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Farmer_J said:


> How about you be honest with your husband and tell him everything. He at least deserves the truth about your unfaithfulness. Let your children know too.
> And if your otherman is married, his wife ought to know what is going on as well.
> 
> You sound like a cake-eater. You like the attention from this otherman but at the same time you are still with your husband for some reason...maybe the reason is that he offer financial security.
> ...



You must have chosen to ignore the part about her paying most of the bills and providing medical. It's inconceivable to some men that women can and do pay bills.
OP, get a divorce and give him a fair settlement. Maybe he can find someone that wants him as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Most likely, there is some "rewriting the marital history" going on here, just like most cheaters do to justify their affair. Your husband deserves to know the truth so he can decide for himself whether or not he wants to stay in the marriage.


----------



## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Many posts here are convicting, or condemning. I don't believe this is very helpful. It will only drive the OP off the forum. If I were in her place I wouldn't stick around and take it.

Yeah her affair is wrong, and yeah she knows this.

Maybe a bit of understanding and empathy would be more likely to help her make the right choice than piling on her.

The fact is that she is here, and torn about what to do. An important first step, I'd say.

Tell us more about where your thoughts are at right now Lucy.


----------



## longtermlucy (Jan 19, 2014)

AlmostYoung said:


> Many posts here are convicting, or condemning. I don't believe this is very helpful. It will only drive the OP off the forum. If I were in her place I wouldn't stick around and take it.
> 
> Yeah her affair is wrong, and yeah she knows this.
> 
> ...


I have read a few comments here which have helped and have hit home for me. 

You are the only person to mention understanding and empathy.

I didn't say this before. But over the past 18 months, I have been distancing myself from the OM more and more....talking less and less frequently and being intimate less and less with up to 4 months going by without intimate contact. It has been several months ago that I stopped being intimate with the OM. But, it has only been 2 weeks since I last communicated with the OM....feels like an eternity. This after I told him of my decision to end our A. I am trying with everything I have to put the OM in my rearview mirror and to not look back. I know I must do this if I have any chance at making my marriage work. I am not trying to justify my actions. I know right from wrong and I have clearly acted wrong. Actually, I shocked myself that I could be so deceptive.....and for so long...in spite of being wracked with guilt over my betrayal. My burden to bear, my fault totally. 
But, I do feel very much like I love 2 people....the OM and my H. That is the part that has me stuck. The OM is a childhood friend who was never anything more. Then, suddenly I felt like I was caught off guard.
Something about the OM brought me alive like I haven't ever felt (and I don't mean sexually). And as time goes by I feel like that fun-loving, happy, alive part of me is dying and I am turning back into feeling like I have no life and nothing to look forward to but working and mothering.
I don't really know why I posted here. I guess I wanted some perspective and advice of others who may have been where I am.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

longtermlucy said:


> Much of your comments here are directed at CONVICTING ME.... which I already have convicted myself. And also some of the advice doesn't show much regard for my H's feelings either. Cuz if I were to stay with my H (as I am trying to do), what good would it do to tell him? True that it would get things off my chest and bring him up to date, but it would hurt him terribly. And for what? I am not OK with cheating and never ever thought I would do it (made it 30 yrs). But, guess what? It happens to a large percentage of m
> arriages. *And as statistics show for a large number of the unfaithful, it often was not intentional in that it was not actively sought. It happened out of a friendship that gradually crossed the line to love.....even before sex entered the picture. Not an excuse. Just reality. *
> 
> Absolute nonsense
> ...


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

longtermlucy said:


> But, I do feel very much like I love 2 people....the OM and my H. Over the past 18 months, I have been distancing myself from the OM more and more....talking less and less frequently and being intimate less and less with up to 4 months going by


the problem here and what many Betrayed spouses will tell you, is the unfair of your actions towards your husband, for what you described you had him sexually starved and in the other hand I am almost certain that you have had more sex with OM in those 3 years that with your husband in the last 10 years.

you described for what many Bs went through in their own lives, you fell in om's fantazy about love and attention, he don't share with you real life problems, as mortage, finances, health problems, he is just sweet words and sex, what convenient relationship for OM, just pleasure no reponsabilities, and now you want to bury that and begin to focus in your marriage, How I wonder?.

I am sure that OM had other women while being with you, while your faithful husband was starved in his home waiting for his wife, you glamorize OM, but he is no different for other OMs, you should realize that that if he was really in love with you he would had pushed for a realtionship in those 3 years (and more taking in consideration that he was divroced), but I am guessing that he did not wanted to compromise, he gave you excuses as not wanting to ruin your such long term marriage, and saying that he was not sure about your relationship with him because the way it started as an affair (as all OM say).

Now I wonder what you want to do?, you said you are tired of mothering your husband, I woner if he really is as useless as you said, so no other woman will take a 30 years faithful man who even bear a wife who sexually starved him.

why don't you go a look around in the fórum to see how many women are seeking faithful men and have lost the faith that those exist, and you go and betray him with a man who have no moral problem wiht having a 3 years relationship with a married woman and that in the side probably have a girlfriend (because they always have one) and he is cheating on her with you.

you relate your situation as if your are doing a favor to your husband by staying at his side, and again as I asked you before, I am not sure what you are looking, maybe the validating words for other women telling you that your were entitled to do what you did, but let me tell you, betrayal is the worst offense you can commit to a spouse and it scar him/her forever, if you feel like you said, then divorce your husband.

If not, next time that OM gets bored and need quick sex he will give you a call with sweet words and you will fall in his game again and the cycle of betrayal will never end.


----------



## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

longtermlucy said:


> You are the only person to mention understanding and empathy.


Because I know you are overwhelmed with the mess you are now in. Yes, it is mostly of your own creation, but pounding you over the head with this now will not help you, your H or your M.



> I didn't say this before. But over the past 18 months, I have been distancing myself from the OM more and more....talking less and less frequently and being intimate less and less with up to 4 months going by without intimate contact. It has been several months ago that I stopped being intimate with the OM. But, it has only been 2 weeks since I last communicated with the OM....feels like an eternity. This after I told him of my decision to end our A. I am trying with everything I have to put the OM in my rearview mirror and to not look back. I know I must do this if I have any chance at making my marriage work.


This is good. But it will be damn near impossible for you to end this A on your own. Your following words show that even you realize this on some level: 



> Something about the OM brought me alive like I haven't ever felt (and I don't mean sexually). And as time goes by I feel like that fun-loving, happy, alive part of me is dying and I am turning back into feeling like I have no life and nothing to look forward to but working and mothering.


With very few exceptions, I think 30 year M's are always worth saving/remaking. You guys have already weathered the storms that sent lesser relationships running to D court. Your H very well may feel the same. 

Building a new marriage with your H where you feel "alive, fun loving and happy" starts with you making the commitment to HIM, and only him. 

Unless you enlist your H's help, you will continue to run back to OM. 

Tell him everything and agree to be 100% transparent with him. If he really loves you, he'll give you another chance. My guess is he does and will.

It will be painful, take time and plenty of effort, but in the end you guys can have a M most people could only dream of. 

What do YOU want Lucy? What are YOU willing to do to get there?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

longtermlucy said:


> Something about the OM brought me alive like I haven't ever felt (and I don't mean sexually).


lucy, this is actually extremely common; if you read threads of cheaters, you'll see that this psychological phenomenon happens all the time. It's a trick of the mind, combined with chemicals in the brain, that make you think you've never felt this way before, you're suddenly alive, that you couldn't live without this person (at first), that nothing else will compare. And guess how long these chemicals last in the body? Three to five years. You're in your fourth year. The chemicals are fading, and you're retreating from him. It's all perfectly natural (not moral, but explainable). 

But here's the rub. You USED to love your husband. Until all this clutter got in the way. You can love him again, if you stop fighting yourself. 

That said, I'm not sure your marriage is worth saving. But leaving your marriage while you're still high on your brain chemicals brought on by the OM is unfair, undignified, and harmful. If you're going to leave your H, do it the right way. Eliminate the OM from your life. Tell your H the truth and explain to him just how you feel about him and your marriage. Let it play out as it will. At least you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror - and face your family - down the road.


----------

