# Want a divorce, but it would be 2nd time



## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

I've been considering separation/divorce for quite a while. This is my second marriage, and next week we will have been married for two years (together for 5). My husband is much younger than I am. I've always been a little sensitive about the age difference, but figured he'd mature and grow up as the years went on. We have a newborn daughter. I have a teenager from my first marriage which lasted 11 years. 

I realize that I am the common denominator in both relationships and have come to the conclusion that I just am not meant for marriage, and am monumentally bad at choosing the right people to be with. I have pretty low self esteem. The saying, "you accept the love you think you deserve" is definitely applicable, when it comes to me. My first husband was very successful, and traveled extensively, he was only around on the weekends. We had more of a friendship than a loving marriage. When our oldest of two children died suddenly, we became more distant, grieving in two completely different ways. I asked for a divorce 3 years later. He became extremely angry with me, used threats, and was controlling every aspect of the divorce/child custody. I thought I had to do and sign whatever he said and put in front of me because I did not have my own income. It was a very messy and stressful divorce.

During this time, I had made a good friend. He was very funny and made me laugh a lot, which was what I needed and a nice change of pace. 

We began dating, we moved in together with my son, and married a couple years ago. Although he was fun to be around, there were issues that always bothered me about him but I chose to ignore, I guess. He is immature and not thoughtful or considerate. He lies about little things like where he was or who he was with. He was not that emotionally supportive during the journey to have a baby. Had three miscarriages and pretty much went through that myself - never came to any doctor appointments. Some other examples: plays video games for hours on end, wouldn't lift a finger to empty cat litter when I was pregnant and not supposed to touch it, plays team sports weekly, is on a fantasy football league, golfs, and works out several mornings per week. Sneaks and goes out for drinks after work when I wouldn't care if he would just be honest about it. While he continues maintaining a bachelor-like existence, I am stuck home without a car with a newborn. I like exercising too, but am lucky if I get a 15 minute walk. I don't go out. Or get my hair done. Or nails. I don't buy myself clothes or purses or jewelry. He had the chance to change his work schedule so he would be home way more often to help me, but he declined it. He's not the warmest person...in 5 years he's never once given my son a hug. They rarely interact. 

We do not share a bank account or money. I receive some child support and I live off of that. It is such an odd feeling to be in a marriage and be stressed out about money when he has plenty, and I worry about having enough to buy groceries for my kids every month.

I guess the "straw that broke the camel's back" was this past week. He works 6 am to 6 pm shifts a few days per week. But since the baby was born, he started going into work at 3:30 am to work out at the company gym (so he says). So, by the time he gets home at 6:30 pm, he's really tired. He's fallen asleep at 7 every night or says he has a headache and just lays on the couch. I would really like some help with dinner or bath time with the baby, but he's usually asleep now! We are really fortunate - our baby is healthy and usually very easy - she hardly ever cries and is so happy and smiley. A real joy to be around. I don't understand why he isn't more involved. It hurts a lot. I feel badly for her.

I had hoped I would learn from my mistakes in the first marriage - but looks like I screwed up again. I have communicated a few times to him, that I want to separate, and he responds by punching the wall, yelling at me, or threatening to kill himself. I worked a crappy job for the last two years and have very, very little in my savings account. Since the baby, I have been staying home with her so I find myself in the same predicament. 

I have no idea how I'd be able to afford to take my kids and live by ourselves (I am done with relationships). I am so unhappy. And when I am unhappy I get really quiet. This pisses him off a lot because he wants me to be the same girl that laughs at all his jokes and falls all over herself trying to make him happy like I did in the beginning. But when I try to explain that I don't feel valued in this relationship or worth any of his effort, he just shrugs it off and says he loves me and I'm supposed to just accept that and be thankful, I guess.

I know first hand, that life is too short. You can wake up one morning and have your entire world come crashing down. I don't want to waste any more time in a relationship where I feel like a fool. I'm a decent, very loving person. I believe I deserve to be happy and I want that for myself and my kids. I'm not interested in being my husband's mother, cleaning up after him or holding his hand and walking him through life showing him how to be a good, involved parent. 

In the past I've suggested counseling. He responded by saying he thinks we can fix our problems by talking and it doesn't need to involve a "third person." However, we talk, and things don't ever change. I just think it's too late. I have so much resentment built up towards him. I figured out that I put up with it this long because he used to tell me I was gorgeous and sent me emails about how much he missed me. When I told him it would be nice and make me feel good to hear that stuff again, he said he doesn't do it because we live together now and see each other enough!

He's impossible to talk to - like a brick wall. And when we do, he just does not get it. He's the type of person that would need a big, drastic action for a wake up call. But I don't have the resources to do anything like that. I feel extremely stuck. 

~mg33


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## Mrs.? (Jul 20, 2013)

I understand completely where you are coming from. I am kind of in the same boat myself. "you accept the love you think you deserve" Truth of the matter is that you are absolutely right when it comes to choices we make. It seems (in my opinion) you married the rebound guy. The one that comforted you through your difficult time. Unfortunately, it's kind of the mistakes many of us make....and that is...making a permanent decision out of a temporary situation. You couldn't see the flaws or the red flags because it was your peace of salvation through a very difficult time. 
I have learned that I don't have to stay in a bad situation for anyone. And if it has to start with me making little changes to get big results then so be it. I would start saving money on the side. Stop doing things that will cost me aggravation. Start taking care of yourself be selfish for your own sake. Get a babysitter and go out, do things you enjoy , start living for you. Make yourself a priority. You are worth investing in make the changes. Get your hair done, nails done, new outfit. Build yourself and self-worth through making these changes or whatever works for you. You are not his mother, caretaker or babysitter. You need a man who is not afraid of doing his part. And honestly the only way we can get something we desire is if we become it. (If that makes sense at all). He is not going to change and as long as you do what your doing he doesn't have too.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Mg I am so sorry you in this position let me tell you a few things that I really mean. You are beautiful women. You are a great mother. You deserve to be someone number 1 priority. You deserve to have a man that takes care of you and loves you. You deserve to be treasured. You deserve to be valued as a human being.

What do you want to do? Do you want to talk about programs and books to help you try to repair the marriage of do you want to talk about ways to get out? Either way we can help you just keep posting. WE VALUE you even if he does not. My hopes are with you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I totally relate to you in that you hate to add yet another divorce to your record. I have divorced THREE times, the first two marriages, I was the one to end things. And you know what? I have never...not ONE SINGLE DAY...regretted my decision to divorce either one! I was feeling the same way you are feeling. Start squirreling away some money and get your exit plan in place. You deserve better than this, your husband is selfish and immature.


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## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

Thank you for the support 3xnocharm, CEL, and Mrs.?
I appreciate you taking the time to read about my situation and comment with advice. I will just have to be patient and save every penny I can and hope that someday I have enough to leave and be able to care for my kids on my own.

I definitely did not think I would be going through this again the second time around. He was, believe it or not, my prince charming at one time. 

Hope everyone has a peaceful Sunday 
~mg33


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Mg, I know it's not a popular thing to do, but government assistance is there to help people when they need it. You don't strike me as the type of woman who would take advantage and try to live off of it forever, but don't be afraid to use it when you need it. If that's what it takes for you to be able to get out of the situation you're in, then by all means, do it. 

In the meantime, start looking for a less-than-crappy job that can help to support you and your children. Once the divorce is final, some of his extra-curricular activities will have to come to an end, because he will have to pay child support. 

I don't mean to come off as a venomous man-hater (though I kinda feel like that's exactly what I'm doing, here). I just want you to know that you don't have to be stuck. The people on this forum are amazing, as you've no doubt already seen. Come here often for advice and support. 

I'm working on my second divorce as well. I HATE it. I know, though, that I will come through it and be a better person for it. As you will.

Blessings of peace,
Mattsmom


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

mg33 said:


> I've been considering separation/divorce for quite a while. This is my second marriage, and next week we will have been married for two years (together for 5). My husband is much younger than I am. I've always been a little sensitive about the age difference, but figured he'd mature and grow up as the years went on. We have a newborn daughter. I have a teenager from my first marriage which lasted 11 years.
> 
> I realize that I am the common denominator in both relationships and have come to the conclusion that I just am not meant for marriage, and am monumentally bad at choosing the right people to be with. I have pretty low self esteem. The saying, "you accept the love you think you deserve" is definitely applicable, when it comes to me. My first husband was very successful, and traveled extensively, he was only around on the weekends. We had more of a friendship than a loving marriage. When our oldest of two children died suddenly, we became more distant, grieving in two completely different ways. I asked for a divorce 3 years later. He became extremely angry with me, used threats, and was controlling every aspect of the divorce/child custody. I thought I had to do and sign whatever he said and put in front of me because I did not have my own income. It was a very messy and stressful divorce.
> 
> ...



So, basically you are with a man that is only interested in taking and dismisses you and your family's needs. How is a divorce going to put you in a worse position than you are in now? Why do you put yourself in a position that you need to depend on him? How come he does not contribute more financially? Where is he spending his money? Why is he lying to your about petty things? Are you sure there isn't something else going on? 
I hate to ask these questions but, there is something wrong with this story.


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## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

Memento said:


> So, basically you are with a man that is only interested in taking and dismisses you and your family's needs. How is a divorce going to put you in a worse position than you are in now? Why do you put yourself in a position that you need to depend on him? How come he does not contribute more financially? Where is he spending his money? Why is he lying to your about petty things? Are you sure there isn't something else going on?
> I hate to ask these questions but, there is something wrong with this story.


Eek! These questions surprised me; I will try to answer the best
I can. Yes, he is a taker for the most part. I may have some 
culpability in that though, as when we initially met and
began dating, it was very important to me to be
independent. I often paid for my own movie tickets
and dinners, for example. I did this because of how
helpless and trapped I felt at the end of my first
marriage. I had stayed home for years and did not 
have my own income. My husband controlled every
aspect of the divorce, dividing assets, he made every
decision, told me what I'd be getting and that was that.
He threatened me with violence if I got a lawyer 
because he wanted to just do the paperwork himself.
I just wanted out so badly that I agreed to everything. I also did not 
want to appear like an older woman with a kid that
was globbing on to my new, younger boyfriend. I had
A little job and was making my own money and
it just made me feel like I had some control over my
life for once. So, here I am, once again, staying home
with my new child and dependent on the man I am married to.
While we don't have a joint account, he is the one that
pays the mortgage, so by being married I have a roof
over my head. Divorcing would be harder on me
because I would not only be responsible for my
bills and groceries, but also rent and utilities, things
I currently don't have to pay. 

My husband spends money on his activities and hobbies 
but he also pays for most of the baby's things. After BEGGING
him to use the tax return to pay off my medical bills
from my first miscarriage, he finally did. I had been
cutting a check every month for over a year for it and
it was such a sad and painful reminder. We argued
about that all the time. 

The little things he lies about is where he's been, for example. He'll 
say he had a meeting after work but clearly has beer
On his breath. Then a few days later he'll bust himself
and let it slip that he went drinking with the guys
on his shift. I may be a fool, but I choose to believe him
When he says he is faithful. There was a time we were
so incredibly tight and inseperable. We talked about things
we didn't tell anyone else. He really had to work
to earn my trust in the beginning and he was very
dependable at that time; I don't trust many people
at all. When I've caught him in a lie he says he does it
to protect me. I guess that means he lies about the bar so I won't be mad
he went out. Really it's to protect his butt and get away with something.
Like I said, I wouldn't even mind if he'd just be honest from the start
and I was afforded the same chance to get out and do things. 

I don't believe he is malicious. He's just immature and selfish. But like
I've said to him a few times, I know plenty of guys younger than he is,
that are more mature, responsible, and family oriented.

~mg33
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

mattsmom said:


> Mg, I know it's not a popular thing to do, but government assistance is there to help people when they need it. You don't strike me as the type of woman who would take advantage and try to live off of it forever, but don't be afraid to use it when you need it. If that's what it takes for you to be able to get out of the situation you're in, then by all means, do it.
> 
> In the meantime, start looking for a less-than-crappy job that can help to support you and your children. Once the divorce is final, some of his extra-curricular activities will have to come to an end, because he will have to pay child support.
> 
> ...


Thank you Mattsmom. I appreciate your advice and am sorry to
hear you are going through something similar again. I secured a job
over the weekend and will be starting in 3 weeks. I am excited as it 
will afford me the chance to earn money faster to be able to leave if
things don't drastically improve here.

Thank you and wishing you luck as you move forward with your divorce.
~mg33
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

MG, congrats on the new job! That's excellent news. Not only will that improve your self-esteem and general outlook, but as you indicated, it will give you the opportunity to save more money more quickly. 

Stay strong, and keep posting. Like I've said before. There are some really amazing people on this board.

Blessings,
Mattsmom


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

mg33 said:


> Eek! These questions surprised me; I will try to answer the best
> I can. Yes, he is a taker for the most part. I may have some
> culpability in that though, as when we initially met and
> began dating, it was very important to me to be
> ...


I'm sorry if I sounded mean or coldhearted. It wasn't my intention. I sympathize with you!

I also had to pay a monthly amount when I had a miscarriage. It was a very painful reminder. But why did you have to beg for him to do what is his duty? It was his baby too.

I'm glad that he pays for your baby's things. But, how about you? He has the responsibility of taking care of you too!

He does sound immature and self centered. He needs a wake up call. He is not a teenager anymore. He is a married man with a family that he needs to fully support and provide. If he did not wanted to do that, he shouldn't have gotten married. You can't marry and just take on part of the responsibilities and forget about the inconvenient ones. Either he is fully committed or not.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Don't know where you live, but in my state you are entitled to half the marital assets. You took the high road the last time (maybe let yourself be pushed down it) and it left you with little to fall back on. If it comes to divorce, don't make the same mistake twice.


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## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

Memento said:


> I'm sorry if I sounded mean or coldhearted. It wasn't my intention. I sympathize with you!
> 
> I also had to pay a monthly amount when I had a miscarriage. It was a very painful reminder. But why did you have to beg for him to do what is his duty? It was his baby too.
> 
> ...


_Very_ sorry to hear you dealt with a similar miscarriage situation. I honestly don't know why I ended up having to literally beg him to use the tax return to pay off the bills a year later. Every month I cut the check, I would get so upset. I felt like it was adding insult to injury. I only had the bills in the first place, because he had FORGOTTEN to put me on his insurance after we got married and so I had to stay on my crappy policy from work until the new year. Talk about feeling like a piece of garbage. How does one forget to do that?

When we'd discuss the bills, he said I just needed to remind him when it was due, and he'd pay, but each month I would mention it, then nothing would happen, so I'd mail it out myself so it wouldn't be a late payment. My friends tell me I didn't "train him well," as he learned early on, that he didn't have to really make too much effort - I paid my way for almost everything, cleaned his apartment when it got messy, etc...like I said, I feel like his mother and/or roommate. But that's clearly my doing. And now 5 years later, it's relatively impossible to "undo" these behaviors!!

I really think that's what it comes down to. I set a really bad precedent, and it's so awkward now. 

It was our second anniversary yesterday. We have been talking a lot about potential separation and he threw out the suicide threat again. I told him it was unfair to say something like that as it is a means of control. He swears he'll do it. It was an uncomfortably awkward day. He was off work. We went to lunch and he said he wants to make it work but that I am too hard on him and I need to point out the things he does that are good for him to be motivated to make changes. 

I don't even know what to think about that one! Just glad I have a job coming up and am going to focus on my kids and that!

~mg33


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