# Regret



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I am full of regret over the last 5 years of my life. It's to the point where it feel like I have a mental deficiency of some kind in the fact that I cannot let it go, cannot forgive, cannot forget any of it. It's seeping into all areas of my life and IC is not helping. I do the work and it doesn't seem to do much at all and I am at a total loss. 

How does one move on from major regrets in their life?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Here is the thing I always say: Do the next right thing.

No matter what you did, what the outcome was, or who was hurt. All you can do is the next right thing. You cannot change the past, and you cannot undo what is done.

You can learn from it, become a better person, and do the next right thing.

I say that as a person that cheated on his wife. I did it, I regret it, and all I could do from that moment was the next right thing. I came home, and I told her. Then I tried to be a better man/husband/father. I learned from it, and have done what I can to better myself and use it to help other people.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I am full of regret over the last 5 years of my life. It's to the point where it feel like I have a mental deficiency of some kind in the fact that I cannot let it go, cannot forgive, cannot forget any of it. It's seeping into all areas of my life and IC is not helping. I do the work and it doesn't seem to do much at all and I am at a total loss.
> 
> How does one move on from major regrets in their life?


I'm not sure I can tell you exactly how to stop feeling as you are, but I can tell you that letting regret take up space in your brain is taking away space that could be used on much better things. If you can't let go of the past how can you plan for the future? I don't really know your story but if you're regretting a past relationship, I'd say that you need to let go of the anger and regret as it will just rot your soul. Your giving that person way more chances to hurt you than they deserve. Go and live a better life...that's the best way to move on. 

I could spend a lot of time with regrets, sorrow, anger, etc about what my STBX did to me. But what's the point? He doesn't deserve my brain space anymore. I want to live a good, happy life...so I let that go and it's made me more able to be happy and it shows. SO many people have said they can see the difference in me. Just a few weeks ago I walked into work and my coworker of 20 years said hello. I gave her a smile and said hello back. Next thing I know, she's tearing up. I asked what was wrong...her answer..."absolutely nothing...it's just that it's so easy to see how happy you are now and after so many years of you being unhappy it's just wonderful to see" All I did was say hi but she could see it. If I held onto all my anger and regret, that would never have happened. Believe me when I say it's worth it.

I've had my moments but when I feel them coming, I just tell myself to stop, think about the future, make plans for what I want going forward in life. It help a lot. 

5 years is a drop in the bucket compared to your entire life. Don't let them ruin the many years you have to come or at the end of your life you're going to regret way more than just 5 years. 

And lastly, *hugs*


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Yep, these are all things that I cannot change and time cannot change and I know that. I do my best to keep moving forward and to do the next right thing, then these intrusive thoughts completely take over my physical and mental being to the point where I have a hard time eating or sleeping. I know I've done enough work on myself to not put anybody else through what's happened over the past few years. I try so damn hard to only focus on that, the good, what I have and not on what I've lost, but sometimes it's simply debilitating which is all my own fault.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Yep, these are all things that I cannot change and time cannot change and I know that. I do my best to keep moving forward and to do the next right thing, then these intrusive thoughts completely take over my physical and mental being to the point where I have a hard time eating or sleeping. I know I've done enough work on myself to not put anybody else through what's happened over the past few years. I try so damn hard to only focus on that, the good, what I have and not on what I've lost, but sometimes it's simply debilitating which is all my own fault.


Have you tried something like the Calm app? It's a great app that helps you when you're dealing with intrusive thoughts, anxiety, etc. Another one hat I haven't tried but came highly recommended to me just the other day is the What's up? app. 

Give them a try.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

When you start to have these thoughts, what is happening? Are you regretting it for your kids? Do you feel like you were stupid and should have known better?

It seems like there is some aspect of it that you are worried about still causing issues and I wonder if you have or are dealing with that.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> Have you tried something like the Calm app? It's a great app that helps you when you're dealing with intrusive thoughts, anxiety, etc. Another one hat I haven't tried but came highly recommended to me just the other day is the What's up? app.
> 
> Give them a try.


I have Headspace and use it when things get severe. It seems to nominally help in those moments. Thank you for the suggestion


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Tasorundo said:


> When you start to have these thoughts, what is happening? Are you regretting it for your kids? Do you feel like you were stupid and should have known better?
> 
> It seems like there is some aspect of it that you are worried about still causing issues and I wonder if you have or are dealing with that.


I'd say all of the above and more. My whole demeanor can change and the whole direction of a day can fall of the rails. I regret it for the kids, I regret it for my wife, I regret it for my ex-wife, I regret it for everybody's whose lives have been change by the selfish track my life took in those years. I feel stupid and definitely like I should have known better, I feel like I'm not good enough to be standing where I'm currently standing which is far too good than I actually deserve.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Well, if it makes you feel better, I think everyone is far better off than they deserve, myself included.

I think you might be taking on too much blame for the past 5 years. I am not sure how your thread ended, or if you are still with the woman that seemed to be pretty hostile, but you are a person. We all make mistakes, we all make poor choices, and we all have regrets.

The world is full of people that are trying to get through to the next day. You are one of them.

Take some time to forgive yourself. I think that could go a long for you. Come to a level of acceptance of the past, because it isn't going away.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I'd say all of the above and more. My whole demeanor can change and the whole direction of a day can fall of the rails. I regret it for the kids, I regret it for my wife, I regret it for my ex-wife, I regret it for everybody's whose lives have been change by the selfish track my life took in those years. I feel stupid and definitely like I should have known better, I feel like I'm not good enough to be standing where I'm currently standing which is far too good than I actually deserve.


Maybe my story will help. Many years ago I almost married a man who, as it turned out, had a severe mental illness I was not aware of at that time. I won't bore you with all the details of the ways he mistreated me. Suffice to say it was not a healthy relationship and I suffered a lot in our time together. I finally left him and went on with my life. I didn't talk to or see him for many years. 

He messaged me on Facebook one day asking if he could call me as he had just had a serious medical issue and he wanted my opinion as a nurse and as someone who used to be with him. I asked my husband if it was okay and he was fine with it so I let him call me. He had just gotten out of a psychiatric hospital and asked me what I would diagnose him with if I had that chance. Without hesitation I said "borderline personality or bipolar, both with severe narcissistic tendencies." He was shocked as those were the exact two diagnosis his doctors were trying to decide between. 

As he learned more about his illness he would call me now and then and ask what it was like for me during our time together as he was trying to understand his wife's situation. After a few months he called and I asked what was wrong and he said nothing new but that he really only called to apologize for how he treated me, went into specific things he did that were horribly wrong, and was very sincere in his apology. 

That's all I needed. I will never get back together with him, but knowing that he regrets his behavior and honestly feels sorry about it made all the difference for me. We now see each other occasionally for dinner, maybe twice a year and he calls/messages me a few times a year too. I've forgiven him and the past doesn't bother me anywhere as much as it used to...in fact, I can even joke about it. During our last conversation he asked me if I knew what gas lighting was...I laughed and said "Of course I do, I lived with you!!" and we both laughed. 

I guess this is my very long winded way of saying that a true, sincere apology where you know exactly what you're apologizing for and spell that out can make all the difference for the people you feel you've wronged. It doesn't change the past but it can make the future easier for them and for you. Think about it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ok I am going to be honest here and not worry about what others may say or think of me. The only way to true forgiveness of self and others is though God. Go to Him and tell Him all that you are sorry about, write it all down if needed, and give the load to Him. Burn the note if it helps. Then after that every time you think about it, say thank you lord that I am forgiven and all my sins and regrets are washed away. Keep doing it, it will take time. After all he died so that we can be forgiven and have a fresh start in life.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I can't remember all of the things you have been through. And believe it or not, understanding God and his word may help with some of this, however... 

I always tried to be a good guy for the most part, responsible, kind for the most part and bla, bla, bla... 

I have been stupid about some things in my life, women mostly. I stayed with my Ex W for way, way, way, too long. Thought for the longest that I could fix her, just a ton of stupid stuff. 

I have probably been with too many woman, at different times in my life I have hurt women, women that loved me and I could not recognize that they loved me. 

What I am saying is I am what most people would describe a super smart, super talented guy, and I have been a moron on more that one occasion... 

For the longest time, I just really beat myself up. Why did I stat so long, why did I waste my time, on and on and on... 

Then, I just realized some things. Most of the really stupid stuff I did was done with the right intentions. Some of it I just had no experience with emotionally. There were several situations where I was just a basket case and barely hanging one and keeping myself above water. 

Bottom line is, with a lot of this you just have to admit that you are not as smart and strong or whatever as you wanted to be. Then you move forward and try to do better. 

I hope that makes some sense...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

One thing, of multiple things I do, is to remember I'm not the controller of all persons or situations. 

And let things go, saying well on this I'll just start again,from where I am now, because I also can't change the past by worrying over it constantly.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I am full of regret over the last 5 years of my life. It's to the point where it feel like I have a mental deficiency of some kind in the fact that I cannot let it go, cannot forgive, cannot forget any of it. It's seeping into all areas of my life and IC is not helping. I do the work and it doesn't seem to do much at all and I am at a total loss.
> 
> How does one move on from major regrets in their life?


*Not knowing your full story, were you the wayward or the betrayed spouse?*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I have *Headspace* and use it when things get severe. It seems to nominally help in those moments. Thank you for the suggestion


I have *HeadMates*, maybe you should invite some in! :grin2:





[?]-


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IIRC, you immediately jumped from one marriage into another marriage and you've wished for awhile that you were strong enough to permanently leave (you've temporarily separated before but have been pulled back in). That could have something to do with the regret.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Openminded said:


> IIRC, you immediately jumped from one marriage into another marriage and you've wished for awhile that you were strong enough to permanently leave (you've temporarily separated before but have been pulled back in). That could have something to do with the regret.




Yep...you already know what you need to do and are afraid to take the step. 

THAT is what’s eating you and it will until you stand up and DO it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

When you jump into a new marriage you haven't even had time to get to know who you are regrets are your greif coming from past stuff or decision s you cant undo. I have learned to look to the simple pleasures in life also to not ask am I happy, just enjoy the simplicity of things,, you have to let go and let god,,, get a dog or find something to dedicate some time to. My gramma years ago used to say busy hands and minds clear hearts,😊


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you have some classic symptoms of depression with/without anxiety and OCD.

TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yesterday is gone. The only way you can feel better is to make it your mission to do better. If you can't stop your circular thinking then you should go talk to someone. Start with your primary doctor.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> One thing, of multiple things I do, is to remember I'm not the controller of all persons or situations.
> 
> And let things go, saying well on this I'll just start again,from where I am now, because I also can't change the past by worrying over it constantly.


I have such great days where I can tell myself that endless worrying won't change a damn thing and I move on like nothing happened. Then other days...my brain can't seem to catch onto that fact and it sends me in a spiraling loop for hours, days.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

arbitrator said:


> *Not knowing your full story, were you the wayward or the betrayed spouse?*


I was the wayward.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Openminded said:


> IIRC, you immediately jumped from one marriage into another marriage and you've wished for awhile that you were strong enough to permanently leave (you've temporarily separated before but have been pulled back in). That could have something to do with the regret.


Oh, I know full well what is causing the regret. I have a bucket-load of things I regret. It's the regret that I don't know what to do with. When it hits, it drags me down to the depths. Jumping too quickly into my second marriage, and wishing I was strong enough to permanently leave are both among many things that definitely lead me to feeling this way and thinking the things I think. I'm not blind to the fact that my decisions and my own human weakness are among the reasons I'm stuck where I'm stuck.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you have some classic symptoms of depression with/without anxiety and OCD.
> 
> TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR.


Diagnosed for over 4 years now, both depression and anxiety. Meds, IC and MC in the books. Still take meds, still in IC and MC now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I have such great days where I can tell myself that endless worrying won't change a damn thing and I move on like nothing happened. Then other days...my brain can't seem to catch onto that fact and it sends me in a spiraling loop for hours, days.


Each way of coping isn't perfect, sometimes we all get bogged down a bit. Those times I try and maintain an attitude of gratitude, until I trudge on through to the next screen.

We all have those days. One other thing I've accepted is I'm not perfect, either. 

Forgiven in Christ, but not perfect myself. 

But religion isn't the focus of this thread so I won't dwell there, here.

Best,


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Each way of coping isn't perfect, sometimes we all get bogged down a bit. Those times I try and maintain an attitude of gratitude, until I trudge on through to the next screen.
> 
> We all have those days. One other thing I've accepted is I'm not perfect, either.
> 
> ...


I'm a believer as well, just not as good of one as I feel like I should be. It should make all the difference in the world to know that I'm already forgiven. My earthly body just doesn't seem to believe that. I know I have a major lack of coping mechanisms and that's been bandied about to no end in both IC and MC. I do the work and do a good job for a while, then everything just crashes down.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I'm a believer as well, just not as good of one as I feel like I should be. It should make all the difference in the world to know that I'm already forgiven. My earthly body just doesn't seem to believe that. I know I have a major lack of coping mechanisms and that's been bandied about to no end in both IC and MC. I do the work and do a good job for a while, then everything just crashes down.


I'm with you brother. 

Things will get better. Sometimes that happens to me when I least expect it, all of a sudden it's like a break in the clouds.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm with you brother.
> 
> Things will get better. Sometimes that happens to me when I least expect it, all of a sudden it's like a break in the clouds.


Thank you, truly. I have very little in regards to support and to know people like you here have my back is a very good thing.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

if you have not gotten as far ahead as you would like to either with medication or IC or MC, it's time to re-evaluate any or all.

Sometimes our medication needs change as our age and stress levels change. With some OCD (which it sounds like you have) you should be seeing a therapist who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which has been shown to be AS effective as medication in helping to relieve symptoms.

My motto is this: it's ok to have what I call "Haagen Das" days. But when it starts to go on for longer, it's time to start doing something about it.

My Psych often says "do it first, then the will to do it will follow" This applies to ALL things EXCEPT suicide. Don't go there. 

Start with VERY small steps. Just keep moving forward, one step at a time.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> if you have not gotten as far ahead as you would like to either with medication or IC or MC, it's time to re-evaluate any or all.
> 
> Sometimes our medication needs change as our age and stress levels change. With some OCD (which it sounds like you have) you should be seeing a therapist who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which has been shown to be AS effective as medication in helping to relieve symptoms.
> 
> ...


I'm having my meds re-evaluated very soon as I do believe that is a bit of a problem. 

What makes you think OCD? I'm not sure I've ever been told that before. I know I'm depressive with anxiety and the doc has talked to me about adult ADD in the past before, but not OCD. 

I'm in step with you there on the small steps. It just seems even when I get 5 steps ahead of it...those "Haagen Das" days pushes me back 7.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I'm having my meds re-evaluated very soon as I do believe that is a bit of a problem.
> 
> What makes you think OCD? I'm not sure I've ever been told that before. I know I'm depressive with anxiety and the doc has talked to me about adult ADD in the past before, but not OCD.
> 
> I'm in step with you there on the small steps. It just seems even when I get 5 steps ahead of it...those "Haagen Das" days pushes me back 7.


Depression and anxiety are often bunkmates with OCD, whether briefly or on an ongoing basis.
The comments of intrusive thoughts, circular thinking etc make my antennae go up.
Granted these are common in deep depression.

Your dark thoughts are causing me concern. Please stay safe. I've been where you are. Continue to move forward. You may not see the progress right now, but there are efforts underway inside your body and brain. Work, while seeming futile, is actually key to healing. It keeps the brain moving forward.

Plug into your doctor. This is beyond a family doctor's scope. It's time to bring the Psychiatrists on board.

You will be well again. Please believe me. You are not the first to go through this. I have been where you are. It's tiring, but keep trying different things. All the while healing is taking place, even if you don't see the sunshine yet. Learn to be patient with yourself. Take walks or sit outside and take in sunshine and fresh air.

Please remember that "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past" 

If I remember correctly, you are in an abusive relationship. This is not helping your depression. You need to work with someone who will journey with you to wellness first, then make a plan to exit a relationship that is no good for you.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> Depression and anxiety are often bunkmates with OCD, whether briefly or on an ongoing basis.
> The comments of intrusive thoughts, circular thinking etc make my antennae go up.
> Granted these are common in deep depression.
> 
> ...


Circular thinking is most definitely a ongoing problem. That's where I really get stuck. I can't talk myself out of the circle once I get in. Yes, dark thoughts come and go and I've been hospitalized once in the past where loved ones thought I would hurt myself. I've resorted to self-abuse within the past year or 2 where when I'm upset, I hit myself and strike myself to such a degree that I end up bruised all over my body. I'm very ashamed of that. I just keep doing the work with hopes things will get better...and they have, just slowly. We have definite abusive patterns, yes, which I know does not help myself nor my wife, but that has been getting better too. 

There just seems to be so much to forgive myself for that I can't catch up.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I'm so goddamn unhappy and I'm so sick of pretending that I'm not.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I'm so goddamn unhappy and I'm so sick of pretending that I'm not.


Not sure how to answer this. Please reach out to someone near you.


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