# Estranged husband found dead yesterday morning



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I think I've started a thread one time on TAM. Anyway, I felt the need to start one today.

Y'know, for as hard-a$$ed as I sounded about my husband, I truly loved him. I realized, five years ago, that I had to love him at a distance.

He lost his government job in July. Apparently, according to the coroner's office, he was evicted from his apartment in October. On November 7, he moved into another apartment.

He rarely ventured outside. Most of the boxes weren't even unpacked. The police found receipts from the local grocery store. The only purchases were alcohol. No food.

Addiction is a hard task master. It took my husband away from me. He had multiple opportunities to choose sobriety. Both his best friend and I went to the wall to get him help.

In the end, Lieutenant Colonel Charles _________ chose to die alone in an apartment. No family. No friends. Just his two cats wandering around searching for food and water.

He had been dead for three or four days.

And this will never make sense to me. Hopefully, I will get closure in my own way, in my own time.


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

So very sorry for your loss. So sad.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Oh, Prodigal, that is horrible. What a sad end to a life that once held so much promise. You must have a tsunami of conflicting emotions right now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm numb. And more depressed than I ever imagined. It's grief and it won't go away anytime soon.

This was a man who was meritoriously decorated, who had a master's degree in engineering. He served his country with dedication and honor.

And he felt nobody loved or wanted him. 

A tragedy. And, unhealthy and unconstructive as it is, I wonder if I should have reached out one more time; if it would have made a difference. Rationally? No. But grief isn't rational.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

I'm so, so sorry, Prodigal. Alcoholism is awful. It killed my aunt. My grandfather died of pancreatic probably caused by his alcoholism. I will send good thoughts your way.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

I'm so sorry Prodigal. In time you'll see you did your best, and probably more than could be expected, but it doesn't make the loss any easier now. It's a tragic waste of a great life.

Go with it, you will come out the other side.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm sorry Prodigal.

I sincerely hope you have people close to you, whom you can reach out to, talk to, and get support from.

As angry and hurt as they may have made us, this is not an outcome we want for people we cared about.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm very sorry, for everyone.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Wow, what a sad tragedy, I'm so sorry for all involved. Alcoholism and depression are formidable foes to fight, I have spent a good part of my life trying to help and save family and friends, sadly the only battle I have won was my personal one. 

Prodigal reaching out one more time would have ended the same as the other 1000 times you reached out, the power and will for survival need to start on the inside. I am sorry for the lose of life and the life that could have been lived, my prayers go out to you and your family.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Quotes from Caroline Knapp's book, "Drinking: A Love Story":

“The real struggle is about you: you, a person who has to learn to live in the real world, to inhabit her own skin, to know her own heart, to stop waiting for life to begin.” 

“You hide behind the professional persona all day; then you leave the office and hide behind the drink.” 

“You're the nice, quiet alcoholic. The good intellectual alcoholic.” 

“Beneath my own witty, profession facade were oceans of fear, whole rivers of self-doubt.”

Allow yourself plenty of time to be angry and to grieve, and eventually you will be able to forgive him for his pride and his fear, and forgive yourself for not being able to help him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am so sorry, Prodigal. 

No matter what happened between you two, he was a major part of your life at one point and that hurts/stings.

Sending you a great big hug. I am here if you need to vent/talk, etc.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I m sorry to hear this. Know that you helping one more time won't make a difference. Don't blame yourself and be hard on yourself. I have asked that same question since I was a young girl helping my brother .

My parents n I helped my brother over drug addiction since he was 17. He is 54 now n still struggling. I fear for his end. 

I struggled to help my ex H for 20 years to get over financial debts that never ends, money his family spend on shopping n stuff,n he took over their bills each time. 

It's not your fault. you did your best. The change needs to come from within themselves .

Hugs n kisses to you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

So sorry.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Sorry to hear this, Prodigal. Go easy on yourself. "If Only I Had" can be a bottomless pit. 

I had an uncle who died because of his alcoholism. It really changes the person you love into someone you don't recognize.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry, Prodigal. Shaking my head. Addiction is such a horrible thing. 

It's a tough road you both traveled.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm very sorry for this loss. It seems like one more huge loss on top of many others. Life is often not fair.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I spoke with the county coroner again this afternoon in order to get more information.

My husband died of something called "ionisis." I probably spelled that incorrectly. What it means is he died of acute malnutrition.

He weighed 80 pounds when he was found. He lived solely on alcohol. His body gave out.

I'm not even going to attempt to make sense of this. I have enough on my plate just trying to figure out how to come up with $3K so I can fly or drive to get him, have him cremated, keep my in-laws from grabbing up everything in his apartment, and get his remains back here safely with me.

My in-laws? They can't touch his body, but they are already trying to convince me to have him placed in the family burial plot in Kansas. His sister has announced she is going to walk into his apartment on Monday and take all his belongings.

You folks think things get ugly when you are dealing with live family members? Wait until you have to deal with death.

I don't even have time to grieve. Now it appears I'll have to battle with the surviving siblings.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Prodigal, I am sorry for your loss.

You have a lot on your plate right now. Please inform the police where your H lived that he died, you two were still legally married but his FOO is planning on taking all your belongings. Inform the landlord that if anyone other than you is allowed in, you will file criminal and civil charges. Then inform SIL you will file criminal charges if she sets foot in H's place as she has no legal grounds to do so. Follow through.

After you get through all this, get yourself some grief counseling. The military may be able to help with this.

IamSomebody


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm sorry it ended this way, Prodigal. Wishing you strength and final peace for him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

IamSomebody said:


> Please inform the police where your H lived that he died, you two were still legally married but his FOO is planning on taking all your belongings. Inform the landlord that if anyone other than you is allowed in, you will file criminal and civil charges. Then inform SIL you will file criminal charges if she sets foot in H's place as she has no legal grounds to do so. Follow through.


Thanks so much for your post. The police, including two detectives, are already involved. The county coroner gave my SIL my husband's address. 

However, the coroner apologized for divulging that information. She has emailed the police that I am the only one allowed into the apartment.

I don't think I'll tell SIL anything. I feel the element of surprise will work best. After all, she assumes (with her mega-bucks) that she can waltz in and grab everything.

Regardless ... meh. I'll wait until the moment is right to see that she and the rest of the in-laws are out of the picture.

The biggest issue is I'm actually broke for the first time in my life. Really broke. They know it, so they are going to play power games.

The tragedy is, they didn't give a damn when he was alive. Now that he's dead, they suddenly have an interest in taking "care" of him. Sad. I begged them way back in mid-2007 to help me stage an intervention. No dice.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> I spoke with the county coroner again this afternoon in order to get more information.
> 
> My husband died of something called "ionisis." I probably spelled that incorrectly. What it means is he died of acute malnutrition.
> 
> ...


My mom is at this point with her alcoholism, the malnutrition end. She goes days without eating, just drinking. We tried our whole lives to get her better and "one more chance". One or a hundred it doesn't do any good. 

I am so sorry for the loss and don't beat yourself up that you could have done more. You couldn't have.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Prodigal,

Do you know anyone else there who could pack up his things and put them in storage for you?

If he were living here.. .I'd offer to do it.. if you trusted me. 

But maybe you could get someone in there and out quickly. 

I know that the UHaul site has packers on their site that you can hire. I'll bet you could hire them. Don't know how much. But it's a thought.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> I spoke with the county coroner again this afternoon in order to get more information.
> 
> My husband died of something called "ionisis." I probably spelled that incorrectly. What it means is he died of acute malnutrition.
> 
> ...


it happens this way all the time , prodigal .

even over my father's funeral , my siblings tried to cheat my money . when i disagree , my brother wanted to hit me if I dont cough up $5k .

fight them . dont let them step over you . do whatever you need for yourself .

grieve after that .


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> You folks think things get ugly when you are dealing with live family members? Wait until you have to deal with death.


Family members can be stupid after people die. Someone stole my paternal Grandmother's sheets, which my father would have given them anyway if they asked. Another told my mother, who was getting a feeding tube for my dying Grandmother per her wishes, "it's not all about you." The stories I could tell, but this is your thread.

All you can do is try. If the person doesn't accept your help, you have to live your life. Right now, the stress is going to be high. The guilt you feel during your grief, for allegedly not reaching out one more time, will lessen and eventually go away. 

I know it isn't much, but you have no fault in his death.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

People who accintentidentially kill themselves get little in the way of pity from me, sorry. Leaving behind everyone in your life like that is a selfish act. You'll always be a million times stronger than him, "Prodigal". In the time it took you to read that sentence 10 people died who would tear their legs off if they could spend another day with their loved ones.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you borrow from someone? Take out a credit card and pay it back?


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I am very sorry to hear this, don't blame yourself. Each time tragedy happens we all think that we could do something, that we did not do enough. Believe me you did what you could, there was nothing you could do to stop him, I hope you will find comfort very soon. So sorry!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry to hear this. What a mess. How far do you have to travel? Does he have an income that you can use to fund this issue? Do you know if he had any life insurance?
Adding another voice: There is absolutely nothing more you could have done. You tried everything you could think of. This is in no way your fault.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's a helpless feeling to see someone self destruct and not be able to do anything about it. We hope that rock bottom will create some profound change and they will then get better but unfortunately sometimes rock bottom is the end. It leaves those around the person second guessing and wondering if they should have done something different. Even when logic states otherwise, there is still second guessing.

Even when you know logically that you couldn't have prevented the self destruction, you'll still be left with a gamut of emotions swinging from anger to grief to fond memories to frustrating memories to guilt and then back to anger.

It's just sad. I'm sorry for you loss, his loss, your families losses.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

and prodigal 

while my brother is sober and stayed away from drugs ,
we talked .

this is what he told me , he has willed whatever little he has to me , because i have always been his help and support . he wanted me to have whatever litttle he has as a thank you to me . He knows it is not much and cant even remotely pay me the money I have spend over him over the years .

he said that if he goes down , he will not blame my parents or me for not offering him enough help . he knows we did a lot and for a very long time .

he wished he would die and not give us trouble but he has no guts to kill himself .

He said he cant explain the addiction , he wants out but keep falling into the hole .

he said he said things he doesnt know he says to us . Its the drugs talking .

so prodigal , sad as it is , your husband may prefer to die and he doesnt blame anyone . not you definitely . he knows you tried . 

now you live well after all this is over


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Prodigal is it up to you to arrange service and proper burial?

Rest of the stuff can wait family and stuff deal with after closure first for him and you and a Christian ceremony. You say he served in forces if you need help in cost or support regiment/corp. Will help even to just send a few to ceremony.

All due respect focus on saying a proper goodbye, family and stuff is just noise focus one step after another

You’re in my prayers tonight and a candle will be lite at mass tomorrow for him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I want to thank every single one of you for posting today. This has kept me from losing it.

I declared Chapter 7 bankruptcy in May. I had no choice. I actually have two credit cards. But you can imagine how much I can charge on them ... one has a $700 limit, the other a $1,400 limit.

I will speak with the funeral director again tomorrow. It costs $1,800 to have my husband cremated and mailed back to me. Yep, they actually mail ashes via US mail. I wonder how many folks are lost out there?

I'm in Arizona. My husband's remains are in Nebraska, which is approximately 1,500 miles. It will take me two days to get there. I also have to get the two cats he left behind and put them in a no-kill shelter here, or with a non-profit that cares for cats of deceased owners.

All I know is this: My SIL so much as steps foot in my husband's apartment, I'll have her arrested. 

Runs Like Dog, you are completely correct. It is the epitome of selfishness. But addicts are selfish. They have to be in order to keep the insanity of denial going. But I remember my husband before he turned into nothing more than a husk.

He wasn't selfish. He was kind and generous. Then he imploded. The man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, the drinks takes the man.

I love you guys. Really. I appreciate your support.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Remember that everyone is hurting including SIL even if she has been a sh!tty sister and SIL. It's just a perspective to consider if you feel like it. Again though, I'm sorry for your loss.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

So sorry for your loss. I do hope that you have someone nearby that you can lean on for support in this trying time.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm so sorry Prodigal. I've read your posts here and there and I know you tried your best to help your husband. Please don't beat yourself up about it.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm truly shook up and saddened. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I know you are strong, very strong.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Wow. Will pray for your family. I am so sorry.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

So sad to hear, Prodigal.

Life has dealt a couple of REALLY hard blows. 

It is difficult to see right now, but there is a light at the ene of the tunnel. Life things on this magnitude are difficult, but they are also what steels a person and makes them stronger. You will emerge!

Godspeed!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Prodigal said:


> Runs Like Dog, you are completely correct. It is the epitome of selfishness. But addicts are selfish. They have to be in order to keep the insanity of denial going. But I remember my husband before he turned into nothing more than a husk.
> 
> *He wasn't selfish. He was kind and generous. Then he imploded. The man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, the drinks takes the man.*
> 
> I love you guys. Really. I appreciate your support.


This is so so true for many.. My step father was one of the kindest men I ever knew..the love he showed to the "least of these"..... when I hear that old 60's song "He's my brother" - I always cry because that's how he treated others... he would open his home to people living on the streets....but he was an alcoholic and to the bottle he had an addiction that took him to the grave much earlier than it should have been.. 

I've met a few in my life.. they couldn't battle it.. their family/ friends who tried & tried...all the prayers, support.. it still won over.. 

I think of this song by Shinedown .. about drinking that pretty much led to the end of someone's life.. the lyrics seem fitting somehow* >>* 

 What a shame 

So sorry to hear of what you are going through... . I can't even imagine the raw emotions you are feeling...-having walked with this man in the best of times.. to see it all end like this.. Such a tragedy..


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Deepest and most heartfelt condolences to you and the family Prodigal. So very sorry to read this. *big hug*


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

so sorry for your loss!!!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm so sorry for your loss and the despair your husband suffered. He had great potential that was stolen from him and you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This is so sad, I'm so sorry for your loss OP 

Addiction is a terrible thing, once it takes hold it just doesn't let go.

You must be a whirlpool of conflicting emotions right now...all over the place.

Gentle hugs, I'm so sorry xx


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

I don't even know what to say other then I am so very sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your family.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh, Prodigal...wow. How tragic, I am so sorry for your loss.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Prodigal I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine...

There is something you need to know, however, and you need to bury this truth in your heart: 

Your husband loved you, and he loved you until he died. Don't think for one second that he loved the bottle more than you. That is false thinking, and don't let people make you think otherwise. That would be like saying a slave loves his master's whip. 

Addiction, especially to alcohol, is an all-consuming, all-encompassing power that some alcoholics, *sometimes*, just have very little control over. 

Did your husband choose alcoholism? Not really. Alcoholism chose him, years and years ago before he was even cognizant of it, and unfortunately he spent a life making a lot of small, compounding, bad decisions that snowballed until the snowball was a gargantuan snow-boulder bouncing down the mountain, destroying you, his marriage, his friendships, and the person he was. 

Understand that, by the time he lost his job and sequestered himself away, he was no longer really in control of his destiny. He actually died years ago, it just took this long for his body to get the memo. 

When I was at the worst in my own alcoholism, binging for weeks, losing weight and not eating, after a time death and life started to merge into one. There was really no difference between the two. At one point, stepping over that thin threshold into death for me was the more appealing option, given how badly I had fvcked my life up. And being a coward, I decided it would be easier to drink myself to death rather than put a bullet in my head. Fortunately I got help, admitted I couldn't do it on my own and that the alcohol had defeated me utterly. Admitting I was defeated was the first step in my recovery. 

I don't know what I'm trying to tell you. I guess I'm just trying to give you a peek into your husband's mindset. 

But please, please, please do not blame yourself. Really, there was no way you could have stopped this. No way at all. And please know that even in his final moments he probably had you on his mind. He loved you until the end.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

So sorry Prodigal - addiction is a horrible disease not only for the addict, but for the loved ones of the addict as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Bandit, That was a beautiful, moving post. God bless you.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> In the end, Lieutenant Colonel Charles _________ chose to die alone in an apartment. No family. No friends. Just his two cats wandering around searching for food and water.
> 
> He had been dead for three or four days.


My condolences for your loss, Prodigal. You did all you could for him ... but addiction is, indeed, a hard taskmaster. So please don't spend time thinking "coulda-shoulda-woulda." You did what you could.

Take all the time you need to heal.

P.S. I don't know where you are in Arizona, but I'm in Arizona as well. Let me know if I can help in any way.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Very hard read. Truly sorry prodigal. I can only imagine the hollowness and pain.
Praying for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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