# Wife wants to separate! Dont know what to do!!



## Lovemykids30 (Oct 24, 2013)

Hi, I'm at a lost of what to do and need advice. My wife has told me she wants to separate and wants me to move out.

heres our story 

My wife and I have been together for 8 years. Married for 4 and have 2 boys. We met when i was 22 and she was 19. My wife was a stay at home mom until about 5 months ago where she got a job waitressing at a local pub. At first everything was going good at her job, She'd invite me to the pub after closing so we would stay and having a couple drinks together. I'd say about a month and a half ago she'd stop inviting and not wanting me there anymore cause she says its too weird with me there. She would be coming home late drunk...guys would be texting her.. 

About 3 weeks ago I told her that had to change. For one she has to drive our kid to school and I would like her home at a decent time so she wouldnt be hung over to do so. 2 it made me feel like ****. So she promised me she would cut the drinking down and she would not give her number out anymore. That didnt stop at all. 

Last week I gave her an ultimatum..her job or me. She said she needs space to think about it. She says she feels disconnected from me and we lost our spark. I suggested we have more date nights but she feels like she needs to be alone and figure things out. A couple of days ago I caught her leaving a guys house at 3am but she said she only went there for a smoke to sober up cause he lives across the street from her work.

Before her job our relationship was good but very routine. For me i wake up early goto work and she had the kids during the day... Come home have dinner watch tv together and goto bed. You know, the family life. .So I get shes having fun...but to throw everything we worked for out the window just... i dont know..****ED UP!

For the past week ive been a wreck... panic/anxiety. I cant help but think she has another guy on the side. 

Do I leave? DO i stay? what about the kids? help me!


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Lovemykids30 said:


> Hi, I'm at a lost of what to do and need advice. My wife has told me she wants to separate and wants me to move out.
> 
> heres our story
> 
> ...


It does sound like she has another guy on the side, or at the very least is enjoying flirting with other guys.

Ultimately, it's up to you what you do, I'm not going to give you advice on that because I keep changing my mind on what I want to do, and that would be hypocritical of me.

Regarding the kids, yes separation/divorce is hard on kids, but the alternative is that you stay, and end up resenting your wife if she doesn't stop this behaviour. This will cause you to be angry, cold and distant with her. Your kids will pick up on this and they will learn that that is the way to treat your spouse, they will carry that forward in to their marriages and they will end up failing. This could also have other impacts on your children, such as depression.

I hope you can find the answers you need, people at TAM can help, but the answer has to come from within you.


----------



## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Your wife is cheating. Take off your blinders. Talk to a lawyer. Document her whereabouts


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Lovemykids30 said:


> Hi, I'm at a lost of what to do and need advice. My wife has told me she wants to separate and wants me to move out.
> 
> heres our story
> 
> ...


God, these scenarios are always so clear to those of us on the other side of the computer screen. 
Listen- your wife is cheating on you. If she wants time alone then give it to her. If you want her back you need to take charge and show her you are strong. Tell her you have a marriage and she has changed the terms of the marriage contract. She can be independent, it requires her to leave the family home, NOT YOU! let her see what life is like on the outside. I would pack her stuff for her. 
How does it feel to see your wife leaving the home of another man at 3am? I ask, not to be mean, but to wake you up. She deserves some serious, catastrophic consequences for that betrayal. She is giving her number out, asking you to stay away from her while she is busy getting drunk and going to the home of other men. Your wife is not who you think any longer and if you want her back, she needs to see that you and child are going to be fine with out her. Tell her the behavior is that of a cheap who** and not a wife and mother. 
I personally would have served my wife papers the day after seeing her leave a mans home at 3am. If you buy that nothing happened, then you are being a fool.
Think about it. No married woman comes out of another mans home at 3 am after getting drunk with him without having lifted her skirt for him while she was in there. I am so sorry you are in this boat. You can decide to take care of you and your child or you can decide to allow her to push you out and move another man in. Up to you.
Get a lawyer, serve her papers, tell her to take a polygraph or come clean.
Get some self respect man.
We are here to help, but you are going to have to be willing to do some hard things to wake her up from her fantasy world. You need to expose her to family and friends, you need to be willing to lose it all, in order to have a chance at getting it all back. You had a wife, now you have a who** you are footing the bill for.


----------



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

So sorry to hear this. How irresponsible of her to do that, a married woman with kids and spending time with another man. I will mirror what other's have said, she's likely having an affair with someone. It's hard for me to relate to that because it's not something I've faced but I do know you should not be a door mat while she acts like a single person out doing her thing.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sounds a lot like mine with your W asking for an immediate separation like that; chief difference being, of course, that I was a total dumbass in not even suspecting a single thing.

To cut to the chase, I feel that you need to check out her cell phone/texting records on your phone bill, as well as her email, FB activity. And for quite a while back!

She wants this separation largely to just make you invisible from her new adopted lifestyle, just as mine did!

Do "the 180" on her, see a lawyer ASAP, and either get her out of your home, or leave and take your precious children with you. Trust me, with her penchant for cheating and drunkeness, there is no family court judge that is going to allow her to be the managing conservator for your kids!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but it's the best place that you can be at the present for what all that you're going through!*


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Lovemykids30 said:


> Last week I gave her an ultimatum..her job or me. She said she needs space to think about it... A couple of days ago I caught her leaving a guys house at 3am...


You're not at a loss.

You know what you need to do.

(Do not leave your home or your child!)


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Lovemykids30 said:


> Hi, I'm at a lost of what to do and need advice. My wife has told me she wants to separate and wants me to move out.


To her: "There's the door; don't let it hit you in the <hindquarters> on the way out."




Lovemykids30 said:


> I'd say about a month and a half ago she'd stop inviting and not wanting me there anymore cause she says its too weird with me there. She would be coming home late drunk...guys would be texting her..


It's weird because you are cramping her action with the fellas. 




Lovemykids30 said:


> So she promised me she would cut the drinking down and she would not give her number out anymore.


Why does a married woman give out her phone number to guys at a bar?




Lovemykids30 said:


> She said she needs space to think about it. She says she feels disconnected from me and we lost our spark. I suggested we have more date nights but she feels like she needs to be alone and figure things out.


BS. She knows what is going on. She is trying not to appear to be the bad person, hence the excuses. Lets be honest, she is enjoying the attention and the lifestyle that comes with working at a bar.




Lovemykids30 said:


> A couple of days ago I caught her leaving a guys house at 3am but she said she only went there for a smoke to sober up cause he lives across the street from her work.


More BS. First of all, why is she at some guys house at three in the morning? Second, where were your kids during all of this?




Lovemykids30 said:


> Do I leave? DO i stay? what about the kids? help me!


See my answer above. If she wants out, she is free to go, but you stay in the marital home with the children. 

I suspect that she will accuse you of smothering her and not letting her live her life...blah, blah, blah. In a nutshell, she got involved young and is now realizing what she missed by getting married and having kids. She wants to do all those things that she was not able to do and you are getting in her way. She is having a taste of what it is like to be single and attractive and she likes it.

I would start my planning for her not being in your life long term. You need to protect yourself and your kids.


----------



## FC Dynamite (Sep 23, 2013)

Fawwwkkkkk so many feelings after reading your post man.

I just want to tell you that there are a lot of us who have been through your situation. For me, my wife was also cheating at work. I swear, most workplaces these days are cesspools for betrayal. I think I read it on TAM one time where one poster commented that "workplaces these days encourage emotion connections between co-workers eg: team building with booze involved.

Your wife is cheating on you like others have said. I didn't want to believe it either. I began snooping and it wasn't hard to figure out. You may get some better advice in the Infidelity forum. What you do now is critical. You need to take immediate action to protect yourself and your kids. If at all possible, find out what is truly going on, then kick her out. Hopefully she has somewhere to stay, but don't leave your home. 

I'm really sorry you are here. Please do yourself a favour and be the strongest you can and we'll all be here to help.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Don't play games. If she needs space, tell her that Motel 6 has a bunch of space. Better yet, tell her that the guys house she was at until 3AM has space. Pack her stuff up and tell her that your not going anywhere and neither is your child. Let her know that her behavior stinks to high heaven and she can take her drunk ass some place else. DO NO MOVE and make sure that she is the one that need to sober up and act like a mother and a wife and until she does, she can live anywhere she wants but not in the same house with you and the kid. Tell her in a way that she see's you not playing games with her. Her actions are unacceptable and you don't have to put up with it. Time for you to draw a line in the sand and if she tells you no then file for a divorce, hand it to her or have her served at the bar and let her deal with it. Also. I would carry a VAR with you because she might try to get you kicked out of the house with some flim flam excuse to the cops. Be careful


----------



## Lovemykids30 (Oct 24, 2013)

Thats the complicated part.. We are currently living in the basement suite of her parents house.. 

Today she told me she wants to split the kids 50/50 but i dont know how thats going to work. She says she wants to see me happy and hopes i find someone that will treat me better than she did. F**K ME!!!


----------



## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Lovemykids,

I have been reading your post and I usually do not respond to post because my separation feels fresh, but yours hit hard for me. I know how you are feeling and at this point you are wondering why or how she could have no regard to your feelings. Truth is this will go on for a long time if you do not stand up for yourself right now. At this time your feelings are as raw as they will ever be. You also have a mixed emotions ranging from anger to depression. This is ok, but do not let it dictate who you are.

At this point you have to control what you do. TRUST me, your wife is far gone at this point and in order to even slow her down you need to control your own life. With this said, you cannot control what she does right now. The sooner you realize this the easier it is for you to start doing things for yourself. 

You have a long road right now where you essentially need to define who you are and sort of rebuild yourself. Your confidence is probably very low, but with time you will build it up. Remember that you are not going to be the same person you once were, but you can build yourself to be better. Imagine building yourself, but on a different path, in which you can go further then before. 

I def feel for you bro, but right now you need to make the drastic move. Take the time with the children whether it is full or half and physically separate. I say since you live in her parents house let her become her parents problem and you leave. Have a lawyer write up a separation agreement regarding the kids and show her that is what the deal is going to be. 

This is going to be extremely difficult at first, but you need to do this man. The sooner the better in order for you to move on and be you. Also your relationship with your children is going to drastically improve. Even with the stress my daugther and I are stronger then ever and her mother doesnt even call because she cannot take the guilt. During every drop off now my wife cries and cries about how much she wants me back, but doesnt do Sh**. 

And for me it does not effect me anymore because she is on my time now. At the moment I will not take her back unless she seeks help but in the meantime I am doing me. I am telling you, the future may be confusing and scary, but you need to control it. You will have many up and down days, but those days turn into moments in which you can control (i had a few moments today myself). You will grow confident again and trust me, she will come crying.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's pretty clear that she is cheating.

So what if she wants you to leave the family home. DO NOT LEAVE your home and your children.

It's your legal residence. She has no authority to tell you to leave. 

If you leave your home and thus your children, it can be made to look like abandonment. You can lose a lot of rights to custody and visitation.

Instead tell her that if she wants to separate she can leave. But she cannot take the children.

Before you do this see an attorney. Have them ready to file for you having temporary custody and it needs to state that never of you can remove the children from the family home to go live elsewhere.

If she wants a separation she move out to go sleep on the couch (or in a spare room).

If you want to try to save your marriage read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Don't let her see you reading it. You don't want her to know what your are planning.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Do not move out.

Make the cheater leave.

She has to understand the consequences of her actions.

Start working on yourself.

Stretch


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Normally I'd agree to not move out, but it's complicated if you are both living in HER parent's basement. I imagine she need only say the word and they will kick you out. So instead, I would make plans to move out ASAP, but make sure you include in those plans places for your kids as well. That means do what you can to find an apartment with at least two bedrooms so that you can set up a room for your sons. And I do mean set up a room for them. Beds, dressers, toys, etc.

First however, find a lawyer. I'm assuming you don't have a ton of money hidden somewhere, so if that is a concern, then call every lawyer in town and ask them about pro bono work or super discounted help with payment plans. Another option is that there is usually a statewide assistance program for legal fees. In Kansas for example, we have www.kansaslegal.com where people can apply. In order to be a member of the state Bar association here, you have to commit to doing X # of hours of pro bono work every year, so they can hook you up with attorney's who have that time available to help you for free or extremely inexpensively.

Aside from that, follow the advice of others here. Go with the 180. Start working on yourself. Eat better, work out, be social with friend and enjoy yourself as much as possible, and of course be a fantastic father to your kids. It will be good for you, and leave you in a great position to attract any woman, maybe even your wife if she were to wake up in time. (Though I doubt she will unfortunately)


----------

