# EA please help.



## feelingblue (Sep 30, 2009)

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have two children together. Our marriage has been filled with ups and downs, like many other marriages. The last 8 years have been very good, or so I thought. Two weeks ago my wife revealed to me that she has been talking to her boyfiend from high school for a month and she has seem him twice (although she says they have only hugged). She says that she is in love with him. In the last week she has left our home and is staying with family. The kids and I are still living at home. We have been seeing a counselor and I hope we can make progress there to save our marriage. My wife is not giving us much (if any) of a chance and does not really seem to be trying to work on our marriage. I know she needs space right now, but it is so hard to be patient and give her space.
I feel in my heart that this is not the end and that our marriage can survive this. I hope that I am not pushing her farther away. She and my children mean the world to me.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

So sorry to hear this. I hope you can get her to try hard to make the marriage work as this might be a fantasy relationship where the grass looks greener but it is not. All you can do is try to a point but she has to make an effort to. My wife had an affair but was very apoligetic about it and is working hard to rebuild us. Good luck!


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

I am in the same place you are. Found out right after Labor Day. She's still in the house with me but her heart is not. She did stop talking to the guy (Ex BF from high school) on the phone, but still texts with him daily. She claims she loves him and that her situation is unique and no one else can understand. Claims she needs space to figure it all out and is very non-committal about our 16 year marriage (3 kids all under 12). She won't talk to her own family about it because she doesn't want to be preached at. She wants to talk to someone else thats been through this but if its not the same exact scenario, then no one else could understand, according to her. She claims its real, not some "infatuation", even though they have only seen each other for one hour in 25 years. I am trying to find someone she can talk to. I can relate completely to your situation. The pain is unbearable. You have to just turn it over to God and let him lead you both.


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## feelingblue (Sep 30, 2009)

desparado, I have followed your story over the last couple of weeks because it was so eerily similar to mine. The OM even lives far away just like in your situation. Just like in your situation, this is not the way she operates. My wife looked him up on facebook. And she saw him while he was in town for a short time. Hundereds of texts and phone calls later, she says they are in love. They have already planned how they will live their lives together and still not together (I know it sound rediculous) until our children graduate.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

LOL! I looked up an old flame and found that he now looks like the Commish, if any of you remember that show.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Feelingblue, I hope this is the product of a fantasy, and that it will run it's course. It will be tough, either way.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I hope you cut off all finances and canceled her credit cards. You should not be financing her affair.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Desparado, her situation is unique? It sounds like virtually any other cheater's "defense." I don't recognize anything "unique" about it.

It would probably be to your advantage to "boot" her out so that she can play her "unique" games.


desparado said:


> I am in the same place you are. Found out right after Labor Day. She's still in the house with me but her heart is not. She did stop talking to the guy (Ex BF from high school) on the phone, but still texts with him daily. She claims she loves him and that her situation is unique and no one else can understand. Claims she needs space to figure it all out and is very non-committal about our 16 year marriage (3 kids all under 12). She won't talk to her own family about it because she doesn't want to be preached at. She wants to talk to someone else thats been through this but if its not the same exact scenario, then no one else could understand, according to her. She claims its real, not some "infatuation", even though they have only seen each other for one hour in 25 years. I am trying to find someone she can talk to. I can relate completely to your situation. The pain is unbearable. You have to just turn it over to God and let him lead you both.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I don't get the falling back in love with a highschool flame. I've looked mine up and we talk via social network sites, but honestly ALL I can think is "wow, I dodged a bullet on that one". He tried to romanticize us a few times, but I put a stop to that in NO uncertain terms. I hope she comes to her senses, generally there is a REASON your past loves are you PAST loves.


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

I don't know why that high school flame seems to have such a draw for so many people. Maybe it's the whole "first love" nostalgia and maybe mix that with first sexual experiences. But it was who my husband had his affair with- his first girlfriend from high school. He somehow thought they were "in love" also until he realized that she knew he was still infatuated with her and was using to her advantage. She is the type of woman who uses men. She is always needing fixing and appeals to that fact. 

The ironic part about her being the OW is that she ended her own marriage because her husband cheated on her. You would think that someone who had been through the pain of having an unfaithful spouse would have a little more self-respect and avoid married men like the plague. Obviously not this skank. Sorry- I'm still bitter.


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## feelingblue (Sep 30, 2009)

My wife is still emailing him and is showing no signs of trying to work on our marriage. She told the kids that she does not feel like that with me anymore. From reading some of their emails, it looks like she and the OM are planning a meeting next month. I fear that this is when the affair will turn physical. I don't know what to do to try to stop this.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Be blunt. Tell her if she walks out that door, he had better be worth it... and planning on having her move in with him because she will no longer be welcome at home.


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## feelingblue (Sep 30, 2009)

She is already staying with her family. She has already walked out the door. She say thing to me like "Why would even want to be with me after all of this." I reply that I care and do not want her to do something that she might regret. I told that people do not regret working on their marriage. They do regret not working on their mariage. I do not know what else to do.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I love those questions like that... It is passive-aggressive if you ask me. 

Also, don't tell her that you don't want her to do something she might regret. Tell her the real reason -- you don't want her to do something that you cannot forgive her for doing.

You're not her guidance counselor. Your her husband.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

She has a choice, but what she will choose is anybody's guess. I would tell her in no uncertain terms, "you have made your bed, now lay in it."


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## feelingblue (Sep 30, 2009)

Well, here is an update. It has been over two weeks since she moved out. She has an apartment but has not moved into it yet. The OM paid the money for her to get the apartment. Every time I see her, hear her, or think about her it hurts. I am trying not to have any contact with her but she keeps calling. When we are at school functions for the kids she sits by me. It's like she wants everyone else around us to think that everthing is OK. When I ask her to stop calling she says "You can't keep me from the kids." I am now thinking that she is going through a midlife crisis. I now see the changes and pattern of destructive behavior. She changed jobs about six months ago to something that she did before and did not like. This was against my advice, I did not think it was agood idea to go back to a job that you know you did not like but I could not tell her anything. Her new job pays alot less than her old job and after she took her new job she said she missed her old job. She started listening to music from her teenage years again. Then she looked up her boyfriend from highschool and is trying to rekindle that relationship. She says things like she has never been on her our and stood on her own two feet. We got married very young and really never experienced life apart from one another. We go to counseling again tonight and I will bring up these topics. I don't know why we go to counseling, she won't listen to anything. I know that she will see one day that she has made a mistake and change her mind. I think she feels like she is just in too deep and does not want to turn back now. She is acting very selfish and that is not like her. She says she is trying to do what is best for the kids. I tell her that what is best for our kids is for her to give up this OM and try to fix things in our marriage. If anyone has any insight please share I am at my wits end.


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## desparado (Sep 16, 2009)

Hey feelingblue, check your private messages.


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