# Cheating Husband-HURT & CONFUSED



## lglyn1 (Jun 10, 2015)

I know it has been awhile since I posted anything to update status.

We spent 4th of July and following weekend together. Thought we were doing great. I made a comment about seeing lots of jobs on Craigslist since he had told me awhile ago that it was just so crazy to go through all the jobs there and it was really hard to apply to them. He told me to quit sending them to him because he already gets a ton of postings from other sites with no response to resumes he submits. I didn't continue the conversation in that vein and walked away.

When I got back to work this last Tuesday, I thought I would check to see what his resume looks like when he sends it out. I thought maybe somehow it was corrupted and people were not able to see his info so I got into his email and forwarded one of his replies to myself to see what happens when I open his resume.

What I found instead was him looking for sex through Craigslist. He was actively replying to ads with pictures of himself. There was no maybe misunderstanding and inferences. It was straight up replying that he is "ddf and VAS safe" and specifically stating what he wanted to do to them and to have done to him.

I am so hurt. He doesn't like me this heavy but he was actively pursuing females that posted pics of themselves heavier than I am. I would be happy to give him sex if he would just put his teeth in! I miss him physically just as much as I miss him emotionally.

Now I wonder if he has cheated before because in a conversation a long time ago, he mentioned have sex with me outdoors and said that everytime he passes that spot he smiles because of the memories. It is not often that we have sex outside of the bedroom because his parents (now only him mom because his dad passed) have lived with us for the past 12 years so I really remember the "unusual" sex spots. Point is: I don't remember that time and don't think it was with me! I thought maybe it was my memory but now I really wonder has he been faithful during the past 12 years?

Has our marriage/relationship been a lie for the past 20 years. Am I just a convenience because he doesn't want to deal with all of this.

If I confront him about this now, I think he will tell me what he thinks I want to hear and not the truth. He knows my thoughts on cheating-it means you don't want to be married to me and you don't love me. I know he wants sex and am sure he will say that I made him do this because I don't want sex unless he has his teeth in. He hates to wear his teeth because they won't stay in and they are very uncomfortable but he doesn't want to go to the dentist and get his final teeth. He says I don't know what I am talking about because I don't have dentures.

He is my third marriage and I cheated on the first two when the marriage was over. He is the man I cheated on with my second husband. I feel this insanely intense draw physically and emotionally to him and feel very strongly that he is my soul mate and the love of my life. I still love him but now when I see his picture or something he has posted on FB, I feel this intense stabbing in my heart.

I don't want to do anything until I can calm down and can look at it clearly but don't see that coming any time soon. I want to just say FU and leave but I still love him and want to be married but then I see his picture or posts and I just hurt all over again.

I did make an appointment to speak to an attorney on Monday for options. SO CONFUSED AND HURT!:crying:>


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

lglyn1 said:


> He is my third marriage and I cheated on the first two when the marriage was over. He is the man I cheated on with my second husband. I feel this insanely intense draw physically and emotionally to him and feel very strongly that he is my soul mate and the love of my life. I still love him but now when I see his picture or something he has posted on FB, I feel this intense stabbing in my heart.
> 
> I don't want to do anything until I can calm down and can look at it clearly but don't see that coming any time soon. I want to just say FU and leave but I still love him and want to be married but then I see his picture or posts and I just hurt all over again.
> 
> I did make an appointment to speak to an attorney on Monday for options. SO CONFUSED AND HURT!:crying:>


If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you, and I see you're learning that now. Honestly, it doesn't sound like either one of you have what it takes for a successful relationship.


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## lglyn1 (Jun 10, 2015)

I thought we did as I am definitely not tempted to cheat. First two marriages were only 2 years and this one will be 18 years married next month. He has also supported me when the others wouldn't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lglyn1 said:


> Has our marriage/relationship been a lie for the past 20 years. Am I just a convenience because he doesn't want to deal with all of this.


Yes. And yes.

I think we told you that without boundaries and consequences, he has no reason to change. And this is what you end up with.

Follow through. Divorce him. If he DOES really want you, he will THEN make the changes to win you back. Nothing will happen until you make yourself unavailable.

And then get into intense therapy to figure out why you're so messed up. Before you get into this same situation all over again.

And PS: soulmates don't cheat on each other.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

see the lawyer. be practical. keep your options open. maybe when he knows you've consulted a lawyer it will give him a wake up call but don't count on it.


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## lglyn1 (Jun 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> And then get into intense therapy to figure out why you're so messed up. Before you get into this same situation all over again.
> 
> And PS: soulmates don't cheat on each other.


I know you have told me before that I am messed up Turnera. I do appreciate the straight talk from you but I just got to say that being told twice that I am "so messed up" just makes me want to put my .45 to my head.

I am taking your advice though and have asked to see my primary care provider for a referral to a therapist and won't waste the bullet.

I do agree that soulmates don't cheat. I did not think of my two marriages as soulmates and I did believe my third husband when he agreed that he thinks I am his soulmate also.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry it hurts you, but you need to hear it. Trust me, BTDT. When people told me what I was doing wrong, I didn't want to hear it. In fact, I fought their advice for 2 years before making a change!

But I am SO glad I did. The main thing I learned from IC and lots and lots of reading and learning is that my being messed up wasn't a dis on me; it was a lifelong result of my FOO stuff. Stuff I had to learn to deal with, overcome, and find new healthier ways to deal with things. The choices you've made were because of what you grew up with. But now you can learn better choices, that will improve your life, instead of keeping you stuck in misery. You don't deserve to live like that. And the biggest thing I learned in therapy is this: The ability to change my life and be happy rests with ME; I have the ability to change my life. I can't change my spouse or other people, but I CAN change what I do.

RE: soulmates...actions not words. Obviously his actions betray his words. If you WERE his soulmate, he'd never even consider finding other women, much less act on it.


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## lglyn1 (Jun 10, 2015)

What does BTDT, IC, and FOO mean?

FYI-I understand the philosophy of only I can make myself happy. I left 1st husband because he felt that everything bad that happened to us/him was my fault and would harp on me. After 2 years, I was tired of accepting blame, apologizing and trying to fix it so he was happy.

2nd husband liked to be able to say he was married with kids but didn't want to participate in it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

been there, done that - meaning, I went through the same thing
IC is personal counseling, as opposed to MC, marriage counseling
FOO is family of origin, meaning that who your parents were, who you grew up with, the family dynamics, dysfunctions in your family that helped you grow up to make the choices you make. For instance, you've now picked three men who put themselves first. IC will help you figure out what it is in you that gets you to be attracted to men like that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need counselling, if only to help you get your own head in order.

Would marriage counselling help?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What I'd advise is some considered, long-term individual counselling for yourself. With a long-range perspective over the whole course of your life, not just this marriage.

Because you're in a very negative cycle. Cheated on two husbands, now getting cheated on. There's a pattern there.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

All I know is you cheated on your first 2 husbands, you bad mouthed how bad one of them was at least here. 

You have issues with this guy who is the guy you cheated on your 2nd husband with.. 

But yet to point a finger in your direction.. It is a shame your home has no mirrors.. 

Take it from a man who does therapy every week sometimes twice a week since his cheating wife left him and the kids after 20 years... 

YOU HAVE ISSUES.... YOU ARE FVCKED UP AND NEED HELP... 

GO TO THERAPY and find out why you do the sh!tty things you do and why you have a bad picker.. 

I would suggest reading the book getting the love you want.. Turnera recommended it to me. I would suggest the audio book.. But mind you it can be tough and I had to put it down for a bit.. It got me too emotional..


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