# Unsure about self or what to do?



## unsurewithitall (Mar 25, 2014)

Hello,
My wife and I have been married a few years and the fighting keeps on going where there seems to be major one every month.

We have always had a few rocky places and touchy subjects in the relationship. These days it seems they are touched on more than they have in the past.

We have fought over very minor things which have been getting more and more emotionally driven. This included fiances, each other etc.

Lately the fights have gotten where when I try to explain my side its completely dismissed. She degrades herself and myself in the argument until she just starts saying I would be better off without her (We built a life together so its hurts the most when she says this). It then gets to the point where she will go quiet and I will sulk away later to come back to apologize tell her I love her to continued silent treatment and walking on egg shells around the house. 

From my perspective she is being overly emotional in situations that are logical, every time we discuss something I am the bad guy. This goes from everything family structure wise to even house work. I do everything and then when I mess up doing it, I get blamed for it. I try not to say anything about it for fear of another fight. In the back of my mind I'm thinking, well if I am not doing it right, why don't you do it? I am the insecure doting husband who tries hard. I feel I don't have control because I have so many to do items during the week I get frustrated and stressed. When people present a problem to me I almost always try and fix it. In the relationship I have been trying more and more to back off from this tactic.

From her perspective, I am a complete jerk sometimes who doesn't listen and is controlling. I can make snarky remarks or say the wrong thing at the wrong time to make people feel guilty or hit a real pressure point.

To me it feels like she already checked out of the relationship some days but others shes back again. She will praise me one day to the next I am the scum of the earth always judging when in reality (at least to me) I am not. She will talk about how happy she is with me, and then tell me in a fight shes never happy. I am just tired of hearing XYZ for the 100th time so I give a suggestion to fix it. I don’t know what to do, I never thought of divorcing her and in the past she is the one always saying “Well you should divorce me”. I slowly grew numb to that and the fighting and I don't know what to think anymore.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

The good thing is that there isn't really any BIG issue that you two are struggling with. I highly suggest marital counseling. If you're both willing to go and work on the way you interact with each other, I'm pretty sure a counselor would be able to help you two.


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## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

Could it be that she is in her own head a lot about this relationship, endlessly outlining how horrible things are, you are, she is, the marriage is, and warming to this story about this terrible life without verbalizing, and then suddenly there's a HUGE PROBLEM because you forgot to unload the dishwasher, it clearly validates the story that you never do anything right and you're the most thoughtless person on the planet? While there may be "nothing huge wrong", finding yourself in the middle of such negative "movies" would be demeaning and depressing. Could you possibly talk to her about this? I'll go out on a limb and say you need to get to the root of her feelings, and she needs to put the brakes on "silent awfulizing" about your life together that creates such negativity. Yes, and counseling.


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