# Confused, bitter, and lonely



## Ladythouart (Nov 17, 2013)

I've been married 21 years. I'm tired. I feel like I've lived under and followed my husbands shadow, and now I would like just a little bit in return, but no such luck. No compliments, no attention, everything is church, church, and more church. I feel like the church is just a cover up for not wanting to build your marriage. He runs from every opportunity and can easily put any and all responsibilities on me. If I'm lonely, tell me what u want to do. If I wanna talk, tell me what u wanna talk about, if I'm sad, what are u sad for, if I'm angry, u got the devil in you, if I need attention, what do u want me to say, if I wanna spend time together, give it time he says. One excuse after another. I'm just dealing with myself and trying to figure me out. But he doesn't understand so he gets even more distant. You can say all the right things to everyone else but your a dunce when it comes to me. Your always right and never wrong. He's dedicated all of his time and attention to the church, he about got caught up with a couple females. One was an old friend he felt he could save and the other was a beautiful woman who wanted and was willing to do everything I didn't do. This just made things worse and allowed my insecurities to flourish. He was quick to say he was sorry, now let's just move on, let's go back to the way things were he says. I couldn't and still can't. I didn't know I could be such a mess. I felt even lonelier and dumber and less of a woman because of my faults. I have to tell myself how pretty I am, go about my business and ignore the loneliness but it comes back around again every time. The more I want to talk the more he reads his bible. The more I complain about doing things together, just him and I, the more he schedules engagements. The more I tell him I'm lonely, the happier he is going to work. By the way, he's a pastor, lol. Maybe we weren't meant to be together, we just went thru the motions trying to make things right. What if things got better if I left, what if they got worse? This is way too much, maybe it's just a mid life crisis, or maybe I'm just seeking happiness.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Maybe u can find another pastor to help you to have a discussion .it is not easy to spend your life with someone who does not show love. Just because he is a pastor does not mean he knows the true love . Can you take vacation together ? And see if you can talk? Sorry you are here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ladythouart (Nov 17, 2013)

Thank u for the thoughts. I went to our overseer a few times and talked and requested that he counsel us, but it was never followed through. Plus husband got really uncomfortable about it because he said I didn't give him an opportunity to go to him and talk to him about it himself. Which they talk quite often and they've NEVER discussed anything to this day. They both just talk about church stuff and keep things moving. That's usually how everything goes. Just keep it moving and pray about it. I disagree with that but I do believe in prayer. I think both of us are so frustrated with each other neither one of us want to do anything to make things better. I realize however that it will expose itself anyway and won't be good. As far as a vacation, no, we've never been on one, except for a cruise the church sent our whole family on. He got sea sick and won't go on another one. We have 3 kids. We never date or go out unless it's with our kids he has nook desire to go anywhere just him and I, that bothers me a lot. He lets me down a lot. He says we're gonna do something but he doesn't follow thru. He will have to work, or he forgot he had service somewhere, but majority of the time he's exhausted. He's put his whole heart into pastoring and he is very anointed. Unfortunately I used to get the leftovers, now I don't get that. Just tired, don't really care too much. I have a great job that I enjoy and I go to school, I enjoy that. That helps shake things off. But then I have to come home lol. I'm considering counseling though for myself. I asked him if he would go, he said we will see. I have to find away to look at him in a new light because, he's too full of excuses as to why he does what he does. He says all the wrong things, it's just not a big deal to him. usually it's passed off to me anyway that if I want or need something just tell him. But my argument is, every woman wants to feel appreciated and wants to feel like there husband gets excited to be with them or around them, the more I say I wanna do more or something new, the more he gets irritated and tells me I'm just upsetting myself. So sometimes Im left with more weight and baggage, and I feel I'm an insecure, needy female, but then I tell myself there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved and special, especially if your never made to feel that way. He takes, takes, takes, but never gives. To sum it up, yes I'm just unhappy and just trying to make myself happy and hopefully it will get better. But I know me, I will walk out and live on my own, where I'm at peace.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

It is sad you story. Most of people see a pastor as a role model and the family as a perfect one. You may be torn between leaving or staying. You may be afraid of you friends and church members who see you family as perfect. Be strong, do what you heart is telling you to do. Besides what you have described, is he a good father? Can you have a normal conversation with him? Not about you issues but in general. Is he someone you can go to with work, or other concerns and he is ready to listen to you and give you advices? Does he read the bible of the time? What other hobbies does he have? How about his family? Parents or siblings? I am trying to understand who he is and where is the problem. Stay strong.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Religion is a refuge for his avoidance of your needs. You need to 180 and get ready to move on. Sounds he has no interest in sex, or affectionate lovemaking at any rate?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I am afraid me too that your H has another issue, or personality and is using religion to cover it up. some people, like narcissists, hide their strange personality in charities organization, religion, because they want admiration from other people. People outside of the family admire them and never understand that the person could be bad. Be strong,


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Agree. Can even be megalomania. If you file for divorce and serve papers out of the blue, he will pay attention to you.

My father put various great cause before real life. My mother tolerated it because she was the weaker part. My father was a doctor and she was a nurse. 

In the church structure the same power dynamic exists. No doubt he feels closer to God than you. Perhaps you should tell him that you have had personal revelation. You have realized that you are holding him back by asking too much of him and it is undermining his service of Christ. 

Therefore, you must divorce. If he wants to debate scripture with you, deny him the pleasure. Remind him that energy preaching to you individually is depriving the congregation of his service.

With absolutists a hard line is the only message that goes through.

A key question you must ask yourself: does he love you or is he codependent?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Time to start living your own life. And time to find a good therapist and start going so you can learn to value yourself again. Once you do that, you won't put up with this any more.

What do you do with your time?


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

Hugs from far away. You need something emotionally he is not providing. Although his time and efforts are devoted to a noble cause he is ignoring your needs. Perhaps there is a Bible verse that can make him see the error of his ways??? Try focusing on yourself, your needs. Go to the gym, library etc.. Buy some new clothes, meet some friend in social gatherings. Let him see all the good stuff he is missing and make him realize there needs to be a balance in his life. Don't give up!!!


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Yes don’t give up, I like Longwalk’s idea of revelation. I don’t think using bible verse will help, because people who use the bible as a tool and excuse to ignore other people.s needs, will find another verse to fight yours! Believe me those kind of people know how to play games and are like lawyer who defends the criminal and make him innocent , knowing that he is guilty. Just do what make you happy. Start by skipping services with him. Don’t be worried; pastors are not immune from sins, or wrong doing. Do what make you happy.


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