# Am I just being paranoid?



## jeefer76 (Jun 15, 2012)

I don't know what to think, but I feel like something isn't right. We have been married for 20 years and have three kids. I have always been a stay at home mom, I keep the house clean, food on the table, etc.. Since March he has joined a gym and goes four days a week for at least two hours a day. He doesn't spend as much time with me or the kids. He hides his cell phone, he even sleeps with it in his pocket. He takes atms out of the bank even though he is the only one with a card. He has recently snuck and bought cologne. He dyes his beard so that the grey hair doesn't show. Lately he tells me that I haven't contributed anything to the marriage, as I have sat on my a$$ all these years. He keeps his emails and facebook private, even to the point of not checking them at home. He refuses to go to marriage counseling. He said that he doesn't want someone telling him that what he does is wrong. I have accused him of cheating and he says that he isn't doing anything wrong and that I am crazy and paranoid. He had moved out of our bed about two months ago, and refused to move back into it. Three weeks ago he put his stuff into his car and left for the night. 
He said that he had gotten beer and parked on the side of the road and slept in the car. The next weekend he said that he had parked in the community college parking lot all night, and last Friday he said that he rented a room and was alone there. He had been staying here (on the sofa) throughout the week, but on the weekend he leaves. He of course blames it on me. Now he is staying in the mother in law apartment in the backyard and says that he wants a divorce, but he wants to live in the apartment. Am I being paranoid or is he cheating? I don't know what to do. I feel like my head is going to explode.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Of course he is cheating, get an attorney and do the 180.

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## jeefer76 (Jun 15, 2012)

Is there anything that I can do to prove that he is cheating? I can't get into his accounts, and he keeps his phone hidden.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

jeefer76 said:


> Is there anything that I can do to prove that he is cheating? I can't get into his accounts, and he keeps his phone hidden.


There's lots you can do. 

However, I will say this - _why_ do you need more information? I feel that you know everything that you need to divorce this man from your life. He is mistreating you emotionally, and he does not want to fix the marriage. 

Get in touch with a lawyer. Stop reaching out to your husband to work things out with him - it's not working. All of your pleas fall on deaf ears. If you detach yourself from him, start respecting yourself, and start filing for divorce, he may be more inclined to work on the marriage - cuz he'll lose it if he doesn't.

And if he ultimately agrees to a divorce? Good riddance. You will have strengthened your confidence, re-established your self-respect, and rid yourself of a toxic relationship.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jeefer76 said:


> Is there anything that I can do to prove that he is cheating? I can't get into his accounts, and he keeps his phone hidden.


Well, here's one shot you have and I know it worked for me and at least one other forum member who tried it this way (that I know of).

If you know his email address, you might be able to get a look at this cell phone bill online. Here is how it works: you go to the webpage of the carrier he has. You check if the carrier has an online account already set up for his phone. It will prompt you for a password if it's already been set up. If it hasn't been set up, it SHOULD ask you if you'd like to set it up.

You can then set it up using the email address for that phone #. You will create the password.

Now, it does notify him via email that you've done this. But if you set up the account at a point in time (like late at night when he's asleep) you will be able to go in and print everything off (12 months worth of bills, and for Verizon, one month's worth of to/from/date/location for texting).

You should quickly be able to spot any patterns in the phone calls. There will likely be 2-3 numbers that he is frequently calling and texting. Then you zero in on those numbers and figure out whose they are--and from there you will have your likely affair partner.

Now, I have a different theory--he might not be seeing one person. He may have instead set up accounts for online dating, and is basically seeing as many women as he can. I don't know why I suspect that's the case, but for some reason that jumped out to me as a likely possibility.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Go with the usual... get a couple of VAR's to record his conversations and also a 
Key Logger to keep track of what he's typing on his computer. 

You could also get a GPS tracker to hide in his car, then keep track of his movements via your computer.

Is he worth all of that effort though?
Is your marriage?

It's up to you.


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## jeefer76 (Jun 15, 2012)

He has a straight talk phone. I have caught him with online profiles in the past. He has one on adult friendfinder and also on partnerswap. That was several years ago though. I feel like the world's biggest idiot. Should I make him leave the apartment as well? I can't handle him being there knowing that he is probably cheating................... What are VARS?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jeefer76 said:


> I have caught him with online profiles in the past.


bingo.


VARS are voice-activated recorders. If you can get into his car, you can put it under his set with velcro.


But why is it important to catch him cheating when he's so checked out of the marriage? I would go get a divorce lawyer and get the best advice I could get and just let him go. 

If you've caught him before, he's almost surely been up to it again. Good riddance, I say!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Jeefer76,

From what you tell, he is cheating. Sorry to see you here in TAM.

You are SAHM. I think you depend on him financially and emotionally. So, just go underground and do investigative work. Iheartfile told about one of the ways.

There are several ways. Voice Activated Recorders in his car is one of the options.

If he backsup his cellphone using home computer, then there are ways to recover the texts and details of calls.

You should start with his cell phone call and text details. Move on from there.

Dont get nervous. You have three kids. You must stay OK for yourself and kids. Remember this. We are here to offer support.

AU


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

VAR is a voice-activated recorder. Put it in his car with a bit of velcro (under his seat) to record his "private" conversations.

But I suggest you not do this to yourself. You may be happier not knowing the extent of his betrayal. I have no doubt that he is cheating, but I think you should just walk away. Divorce, clean break, and no more cheating shenanigans from him. Find yourself a better man afterwards.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jeefer76 said:


> He takes atms out of the bank even though he is the only one with a card.


Does he have 100% control of the money? You need a lawyer like yesterday. Don't let him do something like hide the money from you. You are entitled to that money same as he is--he doesn't get to decide that--it is up to the court system. I find this alarming, frankly.


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## jeefer76 (Jun 15, 2012)

He does have complete control of the money. He changed banks on Monday. He said it was because the bank was charging him a fee each month. I don't have any of the info for the new account. At least with the Regions I could log in and see what he was doing. Now I am clueless. He is refusing to give me money, so there is no way that I can get a lawyer.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

jeefer76 said:


> He does have complete control of the money. He changed banks on Monday. He said it was because the bank was charging him a fee each month. I don't have any of the info for the new account. At least with the Regions I could log in and see what he was doing. Now I am clueless. He is refusing to give me money, so there is no way that I can get a lawyer.


Oh!

Do you have your family to support?
Any friends that can support?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He's moving the money?
Talk to a lawyer and file ASAP. Let him sh!it on his pants.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

most lawyers will have a free initial consultation fee and if you let them know he is blocking you from the money they will work with you


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> most lawyers will have a free initial consultation fee and if you let them know he is blocking you from the money they will work with you


PLEASE consult a lawyer. This happens more often than you think, that a spouse takes the marital funds and places them out of reach. How do you think those spouses get the money back? The lawyer gets the court to control the account so that the money doesn't slip away. Then you will have money.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jeefer76 said:


> "......He doesn't spend as much time with me or the kids. He hides his cell phone, he even sleeps with it in his pocket. He takes atms out of the bank even though he is the only one with a card. He has recently snuck and bought cologne. He dyes his beard so that the grey hair doesn't show. *Lately he tells me that I haven't contributed anything to the marriage, as I have sat on my a$$ all these years.*


"


Ouch!
The best I could tell you miss,is to protect yourself....
As for him and his ingratitude,
_He wont reach far._


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Jibril said:


> VAR is a voice-activated recorder. Put it in his car with a bit of velcro (under his seat) to record his "private" conversations.
> 
> But I suggest you not do this to yourself. You may be happier not knowing the extent of his betrayal. I have no doubt that he is cheating, but I think you should just walk away. Divorce, clean break, and no more cheating shenanigans from him. Find yourself a better man afterwards.


I agree. Divorce this cheater. He is also emotionally abusive toward you. 

Gather your financial records his pay stubs, and tax returns and go see an attorney pronto.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

PLEASE see a lawyer! You need an emergency order freezing the accounts and a temporary support order. Any lawyer worth his salt will get you started and wait for the fee until you have access to the marital funds.

I'm sorry you are here. Don't punish yourself further. Get out


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Now granted, when you see these indications by themselves, they aren't red flags....BUT taken all together..they spell infidelity.



jeefer76 said:


> Since March he has joined a gym and goes four days a week for at least two hours a day.


*Red Flag* - Suddenly joining a gym to improve his appearance is usually for the OW.



jeefer76 said:


> He doesn't spend as much time with me or the kids.


*Red Flag* - Emotionally withdrawing from the family is another one.



jeefer76 said:


> He hides his cell phone, he even sleeps with it in his pocket.


*Red Flag* - Usually the largest red flag of them all. He hides it because he doesn't want you to see all the texts between him and the OW.



jeefer76 said:


> He takes atms out of the bank even though he is the only one with a card.


*Red Flag* - He doesn't want you to see all the transactions he's making to fund his affair with the OW, like taking her to lunch, hotel stays, gifts for the OW, etc. 



jeefer76 said:


> He has recently snuck and bought cologne.


*Red Flag* - This is for the OW because they're dating.



jeefer76 said:


> He dyes his beard so that the grey hair doesn't show.


*Red Flag* - again, improving his appearance for the OW.



jeefer76 said:


> Lately he tells me that I haven't contributed anything to the marriage, as I have sat on my a$$ all these years.


*Red Flag* - Re-writing the history of the marriage in his mind so he can justify the affair to himself.



jeefer76 said:


> He keeps his emails and facebook private, even to the point of not checking them at home.


*Red Flag* - Why hide something unless you're doing dirt. Obviously doesn't want you to see the communications between him and the OW.



jeefer76 said:


> He refuses to go to marriage counseling. He said that he doesn't want someone telling him that what he does is wrong.


*Red Flag* - Because he KNOWS what he's doing is wrong. That would be going against his affair fantasy.



jeefer76 said:


> I have accused him of cheating and he says that he isn't doing anything wrong and that I am crazy and paranoid.


*Red Flag* - This is called gas lighting. _The term "gaslighting" comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations. In those works a character uses a variety of tricks to convince his spouse that she is crazy, so that she won't be believed when she reports strange things that are genuinely occurring, including the dimming of the gas lights in the house (which happens when her husband turns on the normally unused gas lamps in the attic to conduct clandestine activities there). The term is now also used in clinical and research lite_

Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia



jeefer76 said:


> He had moved out of our bed about two months ago, and refused to move back into it.


*Red Flag* - Sexual withdrawal. Nuff said.

What you need to do now is find out who the OW is. Your best bet is to install computer monitoring software, commonly refererred to as keyloggers. They vary from commercial high end software like Web Watcher, to lower end free ones. 

Best Computer Monitoring Software 2012 | Reviews, Ratings & More

There's also a slim chance that usernames and passwords to secret email/social networking accounts have been saved in the web browsers on the computer. Here's a free program that might be able to retrieve those.

*WebBrowserPassView v1.26* 

WebBrowserPassView - Recover lost passwords stored in your Web browser










Another essential tool, as others have stated is the VAR. Here are some examples:

http://www.bestbuy.com/site/Philips+-+Voice+Tracer+Digital+Voice+Recorder/2596305.p?id=1218338417967&skuId=2596305

Sony ICDBX112 Digital Voice Recorder, 2GB Digital Voice Recorder, Flash Voice Recorder, Sony Digital Voice Recorder

Naturally you get what you pay for, so higher end models will have more features. A good place for one is under the drivers seat of his vehicle, as its obvious he's using it for the affair. Use industrial strength velcro and install it under the drivers seat, or at least a location where he can't easily find it.

A GPS tracking device is also a good idea and can be installed in the vehicle easily without detection.

Of course, if you can afford it, a Private Investigator will get you results in a hurry and is a good solution in your case.

Now, you're a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM), so I understand that money may be limited, so you may have to use the low cost options like a free keylogger, a cheap VAR, etc.

Your first priority is to identify the OW so you can kill the affair. Next, like others have said, consult a divorce lawyer and get it started. You can always put a halt or even cancel the process if ever you decide to Reconcile (R). Many divorces are filed and never followed up on.

Good luck! It looks like this WH is acting straight out of the cheaters playbook.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

As a SAHM, you're entitled to the child support and spousal maintenance. You can rake him over the coals. Watch him suddenly come running home saying "he wants to work things out" once he gets served with the divorce petition.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> WebBrowserPassView - Recover lost passwords stored in your Web browser


quick side question for you LM

how is this any different than clicking the saved passwords option in the browser options to see the passwords stored?


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