# Husband Insisting He "Needs" His Pills



## YinPrincess

For the last two days my husband has been more and more adament, (and spiteful) about wanting his pills back.

He is accusing me of being controlling and manipulative, even though HE is the one who FREELY, and UNPROVOKED, gave me the pills so that he would not relapse. He did ask that I not get rid of, or destroy them, and I have them hidden safely.

I watched him go through a month of withdrawal symptoms from Tramadol... He couldn't sleep, or behave normally for quite some time.

As you may be aware, we recently found I am pregnant, and he has returned to school, and is now only working three days a week. (I felt it was bad timing, but I support him).

He complains of always being tired and needing the Trams for 'energy' and 'alertness'. Let me tell you, when he was on them, he was the most lost, spaced out person ever. Nowhere near energetic or alert.

I know he wants to medicate his emotional stress, (my hormones are not helping, I am aware of that). His threats are just going too far...

He's been saying he will get his pills with or without my approval... Meaning he will purchase more. I'm also sick of hearing him say he wants his 'property' back, as if I stole from him.

I feel like I'm losing him here, and at a very vulnerable time for me. How should I respond to this?? We have our first counseling appointment on the 20th, but he's been pretty insistant these last few days that things 'are going to change' whether I like it or not.

He knows that I am having some complications with my pregnancy, (he went with me to a doctor's appointment, so that he can see I'm not exaggerating), and yet he's being so self-absorbed and unconcerned. Maybe he's just overwhelmed??

ANY advice would be helpful!!!!

ETA: He has also been drinking everyday, and this is out of character for him. I used to be the one having a few beers in the evening, but now it's switched and he's been buying a case at a time, every other day...  He's pretty much a happy drunk, but overly friendly and quite frankly, annoying....


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## Runs like Dog

I did some research into Tramadol. I would not recommend cold turkey and you should seek medical assistance in weaning him off it. Combining alcohol with Tramadol is VERY dangerous.


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## Prodigal

YinPrincess said:


> He is accusing me of being controlling and manipulative, even though HE is the one who FREELY, and UNPROVOKED, gave me the pills so that he would not relapse.


Blame-shifting - you're responsible for the very things he's doing. Addicts are masters of the game. 




YinPrincess said:


> he's been pretty insistant these last few days that things 'are going to change' whether I like it or not.


Yes, they will change - for the worse. As you can already see. Addiction is a progressive disease; it drags everyone down in its path. I call addiction an equal-opportunity destroyer.



YinPrincess said:


> he's being so self-absorbed and unconcerned. Maybe he's just overwhelmed??


Lots of people are overwhelmed. They don't start popping pills and pouring booze down their throats. Yes, he is overwhelmed. And he doesn't know how to deal with it in an effective manner.



YinPrincess said:


> he's been buying a case at a time, every other day...  He's pretty much a happy drunk, but overly friendly and quite frankly, annoying....


He traded one addiction for another. Whatever makes him feel "good" and numbs him up will work just fine. So, he's drinking two six-packs a day. That should keep him pretty buzzed. 

What can you do? Well, to begin with, as you have already seen, you cannot change him. It also appears he is quite content to remain in laa-laa land wacked out on pills, booze, or whatever else he can lay his hands on. Meanwhile, you're stressed out by the chaos that is developing.

The only person we can ever change is ourselves. Unfortunately, it sucks being married to an addict. I know. I've been there. You will get blamed for anything and everything. You will witness the mood swings. You will be manipulated. You will end up feeling crazy.

The only thing I can suggest you start with is reading Melody Beattie's classic, Codependent No More. The book has helped countless people navigate through the insanity of living with someone in the throes of addiction. It also gives us fundamental tools to step away from the addict and get the focus off them.

You have enough on your own plate. And it sounds like your husband isn't being particularly supportive of you. Do you have friends and family members nearby? You need people who can give you support and understanding. Although people frequently balk at this suggestion, I generally tell them to call up the local Al-Anon chapter and try just six meetings in their area. If it not your cup of tea, then fine. The idea behind Al-Anon is not to fix the addict; it's to have a strong support group who has lived with frustrations and difficulties just like your's. 

If your husband agrees to attend counseling with you, his issues with pills, and now booze, will come up. Watch to see if he becomes defensive and denies he has a problem. That is the tip-off that he DOES have a problem. Denial is an important element in any addiction, because it allows the addict to validate and continue in their addiction.

Just some ideas to chew on. I really feel for you. I've walked a few miles in your shoes, and it's no picnic. Please consider hooking up with other folks who can be there for you.


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## YinPrincess

RLD - He did gradually wean himself down over several months before completely stopping, and even after that he still had withdrawal symptoms for weeks afterwards. He did this voluntarily, it was his idea and he carried it through, and succeeded all on his own. I was so proud of him! Now, he says he has changed his mind about sobriety.  Now I am scared and panicing. I know that I play a role in this somehow, I just need to know what that role is so I can improve myself. I don't expect to change him... I just don't understand the sudden shift...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

It doesn't matter what you think your role is. He's an addict. Deal with as you would a junkie.


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## YinPrincess

Prodigal - Thank you for the advice. I will look for the book, (I love to read!) and search for a support group to attend. I need the knowledge on how I might be failing myself and him. I suspect I may be co-dependant, and I'm not quite sure if I'm an enabler. What I see as trying to keep us on the "right" path, my husband sees as controling behavior. This hurts A LOT to hear, and I know he says it so I feel bad.. He was raised an only child, so I feel he may have been used to getting his way. This is supported by his family's extreme attempts to defend him and criticize me for not seeing what a saint he is. They do not know about his previous addiction, and even if I told them they wouldn't believe me.. I do need to talk to someone about this.. As only he and I know the truth...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

Addicts never profess guilt remorse or responsibility. Everything is your fault. That's what makes them addicts. But generally speaking almost everything they say to you is bull****. He relapsed and likes to get high and you stand in the way of that so it's your fault. Everything is your fault. Except that it's not. It's bull****. He's just poking at you so you won't try to stop him getting high. 

Addicts are not broken birds. They are manipulative little monsters who will do anything and say anything to get their drugs.


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## Prodigal

Agree with RLD on this one, Princess. You are staying with this guy. Living with it and puttting up with it is a form of enabling. People who live with addicts keep placing the bar lower and lower until it's too low to limbo under anymore. I put up with crap that you wouldn't believe. Why? Because I was living in the world of the rabidly codependent and enabling just by sitting there and attempting to ignore the addict's outrageous behavior.

His family? Oh, his siblings were interested to know all the details when their brother was in and out of the hospital three times in three days due to wrecking his car by jumping a curb near a group of kids waiting for the school bus. He managed to leave the scene of the accident. Nice, huh? I thought he was literally going to die after mixing a bottle of Lorazepam with a bottle of Scotch, so I finally let the secret out and called his brothers and sister to see if they could support me in some manner.

Meh! They all listened, then after a week or so went back to Planet Denial. Not one of them so much as offered to fly out to check on their brother. Nobody ever brought it back out in the open. But I was the b!tch who left the marriage. 

Your attempt to keep "us" on the right path is enabling. He sees it as controlling. Actually, it is an attempt to control the uncontrollable. His family probably does have some sort of clue that all is not right with your husband. However, denial runs deep in families with addiction. It's just one big denial fest. 

Get into counseling for yourself. What you have right now may be the best your husband has to offer. Only he can get help for himself if he wants it. Go do what you need to do for YOU.


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## YinPrincess

Thank you both for the perspective. I do believe counseling could have enormous benefits for me. I am prepared to let my husband work (or not) on his problems alone. I feel some guilt for thinking of leaving him but at the same time I don't think this is going anywhere I want to be as long as he refuses to participate... I am starting to feel more and more dislike everyday.. I don't want to break my promise "til death do you part" and I am conflicted, but there really isn't a compromise here. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CLucas976

Prodigal said:


> Agree with RLD on this one, Princess. You are staying with this guy. Living with it and puttting up with it is a form of enabling. People who live with addicts keep placing the bar lower and lower until it's too low to limbo under anymore. I put up with crap that you wouldn't believe. Why? Because I was living in the world of the rabidly codependent and enabling just by sitting there and attempting to ignore the addict's outrageous behavior.
> 
> His family? Oh, his siblings were interested to know all the details when their brother was in and out of the hospital three times in three days due to wrecking his car by jumping a curb near a group of kids waiting for the school bus. He managed to leave the scene of the accident. Nice, huh? I thought he was literally going to die after mixing a bottle of Lorazepam with a bottle of Scotch, so I finally let the secret out and called his brothers and sister to see if they could support me in some manner.
> 
> *Meh! They all listened, then after a week or so went back to Planet Denial. Not one of them so much as offered to fly out to check on their brother. Nobody ever brought it back out in the open. But I was the b!tch who left the marriage.
> 
> Your attempt to keep "us" on the right path is enabling. He sees it as controlling. Actually, it is an attempt to control the uncontrollable. His family probably does have some sort of clue that all is not right with your husband. However, denial runs deep in families with addiction. It's just one big denial fest. *
> 
> Get into counseling for yourself. What you have right now may be the best your husband has to offer. Only he can get help for himself if he wants it. Go do what you need to do for YOU.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ren

Have you considered accepting his desire for intoxication and trying to work with him on keeping his drug use from having a negative impact? 

Also, next time he asks you to hide his pills try first sitting down with him and writing up a "contract" that makes the terms of their return clear. His ability to rationally assess his actions may be compromised when he is fiending for them but that doesn't mean he is irrational, you bust out the agreement he signed and tell him you are sorry but a past version of him made you promise and you are keeping it. It's much easier to bring someone back to reality when they've dropped an anchor.


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## ren

Prodigal said:


> If your husband agrees to attend counseling with you, his issues with pills, and now booze, will come up. Watch to see if he becomes defensive and denies he has a problem. That is the tip-off that he DOES have a problem. Denial is an important element in any addiction, because it allows the addict to validate and continue in their addiction.


That's kind of insane. Denial of an allegation can't ever be evidence that an allegation is true, it's inherently faulty logic. Just because people who suffer from addiction deny they are addicted doesn't mean all people who deny they are addicted suffer from addiction. All witches don't float


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## Prodigal

ren said:


> That's kind of insane. Denial of an allegation can't ever be evidence that an allegation is true, it's inherently faulty logic.


This isn't about logic, semantics, or being a member of the debating club. The guy is an addict. Addiction is insane. I suggest you pick up a copy of "The Big Book" from A.A. Read it. You will find your "logic" is indeed quite flawed in the world of addiction.

BTW, why are you critiquing my response to the OP? It's my opinion. We don't need to reach a consensus of opinion on these forums, do we? Jeesh!


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## ren

Prodigal said:


> This isn't about logic, semantics, or being a member of the debating club. The guy is an addict. Addiction is insane. I suggest you pick up a copy of "The Big Book" from A.A. Read it. You will find your "logic" is indeed quite flawed in the world of addiction.
> 
> BTW, why are you critiquing my response to the OP? It's my opinion. We don't need to reach a consensus of opinion on these forums, do we? Jeesh!


I think you are confusing my point. The guy may have an addiction, it may be an addiction he is unable or unwilling to control. If we ask and he denies what do we know? These are the possibilities:
1) He may have an addiction he is unwilling to admit it to us
2) He may have an addiction he does not believe is an addiction
3) He may not have an addiction

It's no different than asking someone if they are a liar. Denial proves nothing. 

I agree there is no need to reach consensus opinions but I don't believe logic is an opinion. It wasn't my intent to give offense.


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