# Friend revealed his cheating to me



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I have a friend that recently revealed his multiple affairs. He did this I'm sure because his wife found out and now demands a divorce so he was looking for support and comfort. 

I don't approve of what he did. His wife is a miserable, wretched creature and while I understand the allure of the affection and kindness his wife never gave, that does not justify cheating in the slightest way. Not to me, at least. 

I have lost a lot of respect for him and am wondering how best to proceed. He has not done anything to betray me personally, but I really don't feel the comaraderie I used to. My view of him has changed immensely and not in a good way. I am normally true-blue, always there for a friend but I am not sure this time. 

What say you, men? Is it none of my concern or do a man's actions tell the tale about his true self?


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

If he is a serial cheater, I can understand his wife being miserable and wretched. Is your description of her based on your own observations, or is it based on things this loser tells you?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> I have a friend that recently revealed his multiple affairs. He did this I'm sure because his wife found out and now demands a divorce so he was looking for support and comfort.
> 
> I don't approve of what he did. His wife is a miserable, wretched creature and while I understand the allure of the affection and kindness his wife never gave, that does not justify cheating in the slightest way. Not to me, at least.
> 
> ...


If you know he was in an unjust and wretched position, don't you think that eventually he would wear thin and either leave the relationship or cheat? I mean being broken down and weakened due to an unjust position shouldn't be the only choice.

I think I would be honest to him that you could not support the cheating. Try to understand it from the perspective as he is a human being, and we make mistakes.

I'm sure that was the last thing in the world he wanted to do.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

He claims that he has not cheated until the last 6 months. His wife, on the other hand cheated twice in the past, more than 5 years ago. 

I have observed some of her behavior. She is no joy. He is your textbook "nice guy" who runs around trying to please her and in the end only ends up increasing her contempt for him. 

That being said, this isn't really about whether he can justify his cheating (cheating can never be justified) or how big his wife's role is in the dysfunction of their marriage. I'm really more interested in the conflict between being a good friend and how his actions offend my own sense of integrity.

So the real question is, if he didn't betray me why does it kind of feel like he did?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I think you could be there for him without condoning his actions. Maybe give him an education on how to behave.

I had a friend come to me and tell me about his affair and impending D.
Seems that they had invited her friend to a threesome, and he fell in love with the OW.
I told him that he made a covenant with his wife and with God, and that he should try to work it out if possible.
Him and his wife are still together and doing fine as far as I know.

Your friend sitiuation is different I know, but some sane and good advice may be what he needs now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I think you could be there for him without condoning his actions. Maybe give him an education on how to behave.

I had a friend come to me and tell me about his affair and impending D.
Seems that they had invited her friend to a threesome, and he fell in love with the OW.
I told him that he made a covenant with his wife and with God, and that he should try to work it out if possible.
Him and his wife are still together and doing fine as far as I know.

Your friend sitiuation is different I know, but some sane and good advice may be what he needs now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think you can be a friend by helping him get through this mess, and by providing some guidance to him. Of course your view of him has changed. Perhaps you will permanently lose respect and will drift away from your friendship. Or perhaps you will have a new different friendship with him.

People do make mistakes. It is how they recover which is important. Perhaps he will grow and understand his mistakes. Perhaps you can be part of that process.

If over time he remains remorseless for his cheating, then I can see there being too big of a value difference to remain friends.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> He claims that he has not cheated until the last 6 months. His wife, on the other hand cheated twice in the past, more than 5 years ago.
> 
> I have observed some of her behavior. She is no joy. He is your textbook "nice guy" who runs around trying to please her and in the end only ends up increasing her contempt for him.
> 
> ...


Were you cheated on Zookeeper, if so, it's because there's usually two camps that form. BS's and WS's and the two don't mingle well (you can see it a lot on this site alone).

He's sort of a trigger for you.

That said, I could never be a friend with someone who was a cheater...IF...he was continuing his affair(s). I'd feel the need to expose him or to break off my friendship with him until it came out in the open.

IF his wife already knows...then I could support him. Being a person who cheated isn't a be all end all definition of someone. 

They would still be my friend (maybe less respected but still) as long as I'm not "part of the affair" which having knowledge and doing nothing is being part of the affair. So as long as that isn't on the table...Be the friend, up until the point where it negatively affects your mentality (through triggers and what not).


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

if she cheated 2 times before and is wretched and he finaly cheated himself I think this marriage was dying for a long time.

be a friend and be there for him. be an ear for him maybe you will learn some life lessons and teach him some also.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> if she cheated 2 times before and is wretched and he finaly cheated himself I think this marriage was dying for a long time.
> 
> be a friend and be there for him. be an ear for him maybe you will learn some life lessons and teach him some also.


:iagree: He should have filed first when she cheated.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> So the real question is, if he didn't betray me why does it kind of feel like he did?


The destruction of the image we create of people we know can have that effect. The betrayal is more of "I thought I knew this person." Now you're unsure, they're less predictable and less "safe" (for lack of a better word). People like reliability. Familiarity.

The key here imo, is to recognize that we are all human. Its quite a different thing to admit that one has cheated than to admit one intends to keep right on cheating. In all probability he feels burdened by the cheating - hence his need to tell.

As opposed to attacking him as a person or discarding him, show your disapproval of the cheating. Friends reinforce each other when they fail, they don't tear each other down. If this isn't who you think he is, let him know. You may very well influence his behavior. We all need a little reinforcement from time to time imo.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If he were an alcoholic would you give him guidance or abandon him? We are human, we make mistakes. We can forgive with out condoning.
Your view of him has changed, your relationship changes with that. If he proves he learned form this mistake, your relationship can change again.


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## NovellaBiers (Dec 11, 2013)

I would watch out he won't end up having an affair with your own wife. Never trust a liar.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

NovellaBiers said:


> I would watch out he won't end up having an affair with your own wife. Never trust a liar.


thoese who live in glass houses.........


the average person lies 14 times a day(this has to be true I read it on the net!)

my point being is each and everyone of us lie at some time or another.

I consider myself honest to a fault. 

does this dress make my a$$ look fat........ummmm better not ask me this question.


white lies, lies by ommission, secerets ......yep we all lie.

do unto other as you would have them do 
unto you.


if he has been a good friend then be one back.


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## NovellaBiers (Dec 11, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> thoese who live in glass houses.........
> 
> 
> the average person lies 14 times a day(this has to be true I read it on the net!)
> ...


I'm sure you don't treat white lies and cheating as equal. Cheating=lying.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

the only thing i can say zoo is my wife's bf for the last 20+ years cheated on her husband (i called it before it happened she was gno 3 times a month) anyway that was over a year ago my wife pretty much cut her out of her life well for 2 reasons 50% because she lost respect for her the other 50% was because of me i hate cheaters.

i never told my wife to not hang out with her i did say no gno's with her period (wife hasnt did a gno in 5 years) but wife cut her out anyway they never talk anymore


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

NovellaBiers said:


> I'm sure you don't treat white lies and cheating as equal. Cheating=lying.


so whats your point?

he cheated on his wife who cheated not his friend!


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

It's not our place to judge really.

If a man or woman cheats on their spouse, it's none of our business, that is between them.

Alot of people cheat, it's not right but it's between them.

What if a guy never gave his wife attention, never took her out, never bought her anything nice to make her feel good about herself, etc. If she cheated, then part of it is his fault for not giving her what she needed.

Same as a woman who is mean to her husband, doesn't like sex, doesn't take care or herself physically etc, then isn't she a bit responsible too.

If my brother in law cheated on my sister, then that's different because she is my sister.

I would never stop talking to a friend who cheated on his wife. That is their business, not mine.


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## NovellaBiers (Dec 11, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> so whats your point?
> 
> he cheated on his wife who cheated not his friend!


Why did you bring white lies into this discussion? "The average person lies 14 times..." That has nothing to do with cheating in question as white lies are generally considered not harmful.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

My wife's BF has had several EA's and a PA (everything except PIV) with her daughters now husband. We have had some pretty deep discussions about it and while she does not give her a pass she gives her more than a benefit of the doubt. Her husband is by no means perfect but he busts his ass for his family and to my knowledge has never cheated on her. 

What I find a even more perplexing is that a couple of subordinates at my wife's work are having and affair and she is so disgusted by it. I am trying to understand the disconnect between to two situations.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Thanks for the replies.

I've had some time to think about the situation. I'm probably going to let this one drift away. That's what's been happening over the last year or so anyway.

I'm at a point in my life where I have no desire to be involved with people who do not bring a net positive. This guy's wife might be a witch (she is as far as I can see) but as always there are two sides. After hearing him vilify her for years about her infidelity, he chooses to do the exact same thing. Yes, people make mistakes but those who willfully put themselves into bad situations that can lead to this...that's not a mistake. It's systematic. I see it as evidence of poor character. Perhaps this was caused by years of unhappiness. Perhaps it was always there but well hidden. Doesn't matter much to me. It is what it is. 

This isn't about my forgiving him. He's done nothing to me to require my forgiveness. It's about my own standards. I simply do not hold him in the esteem I once did. I won't refuse him help if he needs it, but I won't be seeking him out.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Marriedand40 said:


> I would never stop talking to a friend who cheated on his wife. That is their business, not mine.


Would you stop talking to a friend who beat his wife?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

zookeeper said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I've had some time to think about the situation. I'm probably going to let this one drift away. That's what's been happening over the last year or so anyway.
> 
> ...


That's probably a good position to take, but watch those standards.

I had the same standards. When my brother-in-law cheated, I basically cut him off from my life. I knew his wife was horrible. I knew he worked hard to support his family but I couldn't wrap my head around cheating.

Years later i did the same thing. Now, cheating isn't the answer. it wasn't in mt BiL's case, and wasn't in my case. But until you actually feel what someone is going through, it's hard to judge.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> Would you stop talking to a friend who beat his wife?


I'd condemn it, tell him to stop beating his wife and be a positive influence to encourage him get the help he needs.

He's certainly not going to stop because I stop talking to him.

If I get rid of a friend because that friend has problems, then what kind of friend am I?


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