# At a loss-long story, sorry.



## Jazzie (Dec 17, 2011)

This is really hard for me to do-post all of this stuff on here but I really need help..

Ok, here is my situation. My husband and I will be married four years in April. We have a little boy who is three. A year and half ago is when our problems started. He was working and I was staying home full time with our little boy. I was going to pick up some groceries or something and asked for his password to his work checkcard--he handled the bills. When I checked the balance there wasn’t a lot there. I started looking at past purchases and as it turns out he had been buying poppy pods to make opium tea over the last 5 months spending over 100$ each month. He is also a smoker. He didn’t make that much so thats a lot of money. I was furious, and made him leave the home-not very long, maybe a night or two and wouldn’t let him come back until after i watched him take a drug test in front of me and he allowed me access to his work card. He agreed to go to counselor or get on an antidepressant, whatever he needed to do. All of this was really hard on me. I had lost so much trust in him. I couldn’t understand why he would hide his pain from me..At the time he was working third shift and I convinced him to quit and the two of us could go back to school and alternate schedules to take care of our child. He was close to graduating anyway..I think perhaps he never really understood how all of that affected me. I hadn’t been very happy with our marriage but not overly unhappy..I think as long as he was taking care of us and being a good father and not lying or doing things behind my back things can work. A person can live without romance, the little things and still make things work. No one is perfect. I can appreciate his differences without us sharing all common interests, passion, etc..Well, around 6 months later maybe a little longer I finally came ‘out’ as being bisexual..I had experimented with a friend before we got together and he knew about it so wasn’t really surprised. I also confessed that I had a minor crush on a male friend of his. Well, I am not so proud of what I asked him now. But I really felt the passion had gone out of our marriage, I didn’t feel that he cared that much about me. I had lost respect love and trust for him after I found out about the pods. I asked him if it was ok If I found a girlfriend and if I confessed my crush to his friend-though not expecting anything to happen there. He said it was ok. Ok for me to try to find a girlfriend ok for me to talk to his friend..Everything was ok.Well, as it ended up we ended up having a threesome. I coerced him into letting me have a relationship with this other man. Some will call this cheating others won’t. But while I asked him permission I constantly asked how he felt about it. And he never, ever, ever would tell me it bothered him. He would never tell me no. He would say it was ok. But it really wasn’t. but the only time he would let me know it was when he was drunk and it wasn’t pretty. I would ask him if he wanted me to break it off and he would say no. Eventually though things did break off, then his friend had a death in the family and came for a visit. I had no intention of starting anything. But his friend grabbed me and kissed me, my husband walked in..I said I didn’t do it but he said it was ok..So breifly things were on again with this other man. I had a one night stand with a woman. which he knew about and was ok with. I felt really awful about it. and I decided I just wanted my marriage back..I just wanted it to be us. He would get drunk frequently and become very verbally abusive leaving me in tears and miserable for days..We probably should have went to counseling..any of those times but I guess it was hard to find the time and someone to watch the kid. Finally at one point I said, we’ve got to stop this. He would never express his feelings to me sober. I had broken things off with the other man and I apologized over and over for it but I do not feel the blame for it lays completely with me as he could have put a stop to it at any time. If he had wanted to confront our problems sober that would have been fine. but he got drunk and did it in such an ugly hurtful way. I finally just said, we have got to put this situation behind us or we need to end things. Well things had been going pretty well really since June/July..nothing traumatic until he started a new job and now he has been drinking again..He is a completely different person drunk! He has never been violent but is very verbal abusive and I jsut can’t stand it. I had plans on a Saturday and Friday night he got hammered and had me sobbing so I canceled my party. I made him leave for a night and we had an agreement that he wouldn’t get drunk again or I would make him leave for good..He assured me it would not happen again. A week ago his sister and her friend came over and they both like to drink a lot. That night I had to fast and go into the hospital to get some blood work done. We also had a family outing planned that afternoon we were going to go out of town. Well, he got plastered and after trying to hint around midnight that I was getting ready for bed everyone didn’t leave until 2am..His friends sister is trying to make out with him in the living room while Im trying to sleep. So I told him, thats it. I want you to leave. I was furious. He promised me. I needed the car though to go get my blood work done in the morning-so don’t go because that was only a few hours away-had to be there by 7am..When my alarm went off the car wasn’t in the driveway..So we have been separated now for about a week. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The problem as I see it is this..He always seems unhappy. No matter what. and Since he has been working I know he has been stressed out. He has a stressful job. and with the commute he is gone 12 hours. So when he gets off work I would like to spend time with him and if it were me I would spend AS MUCh time with my son as I could on my days off. I always feel that I have to coddle him to get him through everything and Im just tired..I have been a full time student in addition to taking care of our three year old and I get worn out too. I had been cleaning out our carport and found several empty bottles of vodka stashed away..I already know he has a capacity for deception and a history of abuse with both pain pills(before we were together) and apparently he used the poppy pods when he was younger, though he never told me about the pods..so, what to do???


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Stop thinking of your husband, and stop thinking too much about you. It's your child that is helpless. Get your child and get out. Stop your behavior with other persons until you are divorced. Think of your child for once. What chance does your child have? Give your child a better chance, even if you have to sacrifice.


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## Jazzie (Dec 17, 2011)

Thanks for the reply and that is what I want but thought it was better for the child for the parents to be together?..Are you saying to call it quits? Thanks.


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## Jazzie (Dec 17, 2011)

Ok, I realized I may have left out a few details..not sure if they matter or not. 1. The relationship I had with the other man was long distance and we only met in person 3 times perhaps and my son was never around him. 2. My husband did not/does not drink every day or every weekend(to my knowledge) After (it seemed) Like we were really going to work at things and he knew how much it hurt me the (getting drunk-I don't consider having 2, 3 drinks a problem). stopped-until he got a new job. And he was never drunk around our son. Our son was always asleep..of corse thats not good either but I couldn't get him to realize he couldn't be a good parent and get drunk-however infrequent.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Either call it quits or go to marriage counseling. The affair is a symptom of a bigger problem. I know my affair was. Get some help. Decide how you want to live, be happy. Make a plan to get the and a plan on how to stay there.


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