# Affair Advice - Lost in my head - so lost



## 1d10t (Mar 22, 2012)

My story.

I have two kids. Son 8. Daughter 11. I started dating my wife the first semester of freshman year of college. We were both 18. We got married 5 months after graduation when we were 22. We had kids at 26. She has always been my best friend. We've done everything together - we grew up together into adulthood. I love my wife - I really do. Since we got married so young, I feel like I missed out on parts of life. My wife is also controlling with the kids - but not in a bad way. Our kids are great. An example is that my daughter is 11yrs old and we've never had a babysitter other than her parents here and there. We don't have time to just ourselves to go out and be adult humans. So we fell into a rut. I'd come home from work, eat dinner, see the kids, then sit and watch TV and work on the computer until we went to bed. 

My son and I are heavily involved in a travel sport. I am a coach and have played the since I was 5 years old. Since we joined the travel aspect, the level of intensity is higher and there are parents who think that this is the the Olympics or something. Because of this, my wife isn't really interested. I am also on the Board of this organization and have a lot of meetings. I joined the Board in November. Here is where the story starts.

There is a woman who joined the Board when I did. She has four kids ranging from 6-10 (two of which are twins). We started talking when we met and have the same sense of deprave humor. We instantly clicked - we think the same way about pretty much everything. The more we talked, the more we had in common. We both love soccer, music (going to concerts), good craft beer, and just have a great connection. 

We started talking more and more on instant messenger. Hours at a time and we never got bored of one another. We have monthly Board meetings, but we have a lot of committee meetings. Then it turned into making up meetings or scheduling more meetings just to see one another. I was trepidation to initiate anything physical. One night I had to drive her home because she rode there with someone else who had to leave. She basically threw herself at me and I resisted and resisted. Then it happened again and we kissed and began a relationship that was more than friends in an activity together. 

When I am with this woman, that's where I want to be. I hate how easy it is for my mind to switch gears. Then when I see my wife I think "what the f*ck am I doing? I can't leave my life and children." The kids thing hurts the most. 

My head is in shambles. I think I know what I need to do, but I have no idea how to end it or if I want to end it. Of course who doesn't want their cake and to eat it too. Am I just being selfish? I know the answer is probably yes. 

I was never looking for this relationship. it just happened. I really don't know what to do or who to talk to. 

I was away on business and my wife read an email that I had sent to her - it was relatively benign, but it was enough to know that we were in a relationship - she had suspected this for a while. She called me while I was away and told me that I had to move out until I figured out my situation. I've been living in a hotel this week. I've seen the kids, but everything is different. The whole world is different. 

I don't know what to do. I'm a mess. A f*cking mess. This ordeal has made me question my relationship with my wife and question my future. 

Do I stay in it for the kids? I never didn't love my wife. We never fought. Never argued. We just lived. We never had a great sex life. She has never initiated sex in our 20 years together and we've only talked about these things since the discovery. 

Anyway - there is probably a lot I'm leaving out, but I'm happy to hear any and all advice - even "you're ****ing stupid"

PS - if it helps anyone out there - I grew up with my Dad and brother. He was essentially married 4 times and divorced 4 times by the time I was 10. I can easily disconnect my mind from things like people leaving my life. It sucks.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

You are in a fog. You will not see things clearly as long as this continues. You need to end this affair and give your family a shot. 

If you can not let this woman go because of your infatuation, and yes that is all this is, you will never be able to make a complete, truthful recovery with your wife and family because you will always be wondering what if and be looking at the door.

It is not fair to your wife. She deserves better than what you are giving her.


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## 1d10t (Mar 22, 2012)

I know I'm in a fog. I'm in a huge fog. I'm friggin lost and I don't know how to end it...or if I want to end it - that's the fog. Am I going to look back in a few years and regret staying and missing out? I can say that in either situation. I think I owe it to my friend of 20 years to give it a shot, though. 



Traggy said:


> You are in a fog. You will not see things clearly as long as this continues. You need to end this affair and give your family a shot.
> 
> If you can not let this woman go because of your infatuation, and yes that is all this is, you will never be able to make a complete, truthful recovery with your wife and family because you will always be wondering what if and be looking at the door.
> 
> It is not fair to your wife. She deserves better than what you are giving her.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Missed my point, the only way out of the fog is to end the affair. You are nothing more than addicted to this person. True Love is what you have at home. Sorry it isn't as exciting as it once was, but you are to blame for part of that just as much as your wife is.

You let the snake in. You need to get it out of your system and heart. How can you give your wife a fair shot when you are in love with someone else as well?

Take a step back and see that.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

1d10t, it's like this.

You're addicted.

Now, you can either let your addiction run its course, or you can try to stop it now.

If you let it run its course, you will probably end up without your wife and kids. If you take the steps to stop it now, you may still end up without your wife and kids, but if you work really hard, they might still be around at the end of this thing.

What you do is up to you, and given that its your life, I won't opine on which course to take.

BTW, Traggy is right, that the only way out of the fog is to end the affair.


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

So, this home wrecker sets herself to seduce another woman's husban and succeeds. The reason that you "clicked" is that she made a special effort to be appealing to you. In particular, she doesn't seem to have inflicted her kids on you to any degree. How likely is that? After all, a single mom's kids are the most important thing in her life.

If you leave your current wife, aside frm - hell - everything that involves, you will find that this new woman starts singing a very different tune once she has you locked down. AWALT.

(ps: I don't think the "addiction" model is much help to understanding what's going on.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1d10t (Mar 22, 2012)

I think addiction is correct - but yes - hard to follow for someone who has never been addicted to anything before. Now I'm in a state where I don't want to hurt anyone and I'm hurting everyone. I need to nut up and tell her that I want to go back to my family. The girl on the side has been in a marriage where she's not happy for a long time, whereas I have been. So her rationale is different than mine and doesn't really see my side. Anyway - I need to rip off the bandaid.

It's not as easy as it sounds...but losing everything is daunting, too.


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## 1d10t (Mar 22, 2012)

@mrwombat - she is married, too - although both of our spouses now know. I feel somewhat badgered by her b/c she's been in a ****ty relationship and I'm her out whereas I haven't been. I'm just the **** cheating on his wife.


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## 1d10t (Mar 22, 2012)

I'm supposed to go to a concert with the other woman tonight. I'm sitting by myself on a city street with my hotspot feeling like I want to throw up. I know I should just get on the train back to my hotel. Im conflicted. Ugh.


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## Global (Mar 23, 2012)

Dude I feel your pain.

My story in brief: emotionless and largely sexless marriage for several years. Two kids, 8 and 13. Met wonderful woman of my dreams whom I respect and adore. We have ended all discussion of emotions or future. It is killing me. 

Anyway, we don't have answers for each other but I wanted you to know I feel you.


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## 1d10t (Mar 22, 2012)

Thanks for your reply. It all sucks. My wife is my best friend. I don't want to hurt her but I don't know how our relationship is ever going to be the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Global (Mar 23, 2012)

Do you WANT to be married to your wife? This seems to be the quintessential question. My answer to it (for my situation) is "No" but then I have to figure out how to minimize the damage to the kids -- and that is where I am right now. If I had no kids, I'd move out tomorrow. 

What about you? Do you WANT to be married to your wife? If so, get back there buddy and tell her that. And then find a counselor for both of you. Two people who WANT to be married can make it work.


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

1d10t said:


> I feel somewhat badgered by her b/c she's been in a ****ty relationship and I'm her out whereas I haven't been. I'm just the **** cheating on his wife.


No dude, all you know is that she has told you that she is in a ****ty relationship. And **** comes in a variety of flavours, from "he beats me and threatens my chidren's lives" to "I'm just not haaaapy!".

As for you: I have a joke. Guy goes to a doctor and says "Doc, it hurts when I do _this_. Doc says, "so stop doing that".

It is not your responsibility to rescue this woman from her situation. You have other responsibilities.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

People act very differently in affairs than relationships. Go to the marriage builders site and learn what you can about rebuilding after an affair. 
My h and I have 3 kids between us. I can't imagine having 7. It's so much work. Right now you're just playing. It's much different dealing with bills, sickness, dirty dishes, etc.
Stop seeing her. Don't break up two families.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

Cheaters are liars.... I bet the OWs husband has a different idea of what their M is or isn't
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pokey (Mar 26, 2012)

1d10t... your situation is similar to something I went through. I left my husband and met someone right away. My husband and I also married young and had kids early. I thought I wanted something different. Now, 2 years later, I regret it, I want my husband and father of my kids back. And it may be too late. (I have a post explaining more) Anyway, I would try to work it out with your wife. Really, give her a shot, I noticed you said that you never really talked about the sex thing and your always initiating until recently, maybe you and she could do something to reignite a passion. Could be there. But yeah, there is something called the "7 year itch" for a reason (I know it's not 7 years for you but the point is the same). It really could be a transient feeling you are having. Please don't just throw everything away.


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

Pokey are you working on getting back together with your ex husband. I hope that works out for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pokey (Mar 26, 2012)

par4, sadly I did bring it up to him just yesterday, but he has moved on. I was nervous but did send him an email saying I would try again. But, he has a gf he is planning a life with. But... he did send me a nice email back and I'm hoping we can stay friends. Hoping... I think this friendship will need as much care as a marriage but I think it's worth it. It would kill me if I lost him in my life completely. Thanks for the thought.


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

Pokey, See message
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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