# Closure or Peace Offering



## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

Hi all, almost 2 months ago I came home after work and she and everything she owned was gone, including some of my personal property. I went immediately into no contact only because I was afraid of what I would say to her, angry, start crying, make an idiot out of myself and I knew it was best for me to try and get my head on straight before contacting her and I’m still working on that. I knew our relationship was in serious trouble but didn’t expect this, as it was more of neglect problems and absolutely non abusive. I have been devastated, shocked, cried, in denial like it’s a bad dream “did this really happen” and have started counselling. We lived together 6 years.
She called me out of blue yesterday and asked how I was and told her just fine (lied) I asked about her and she almost sadly said I guess I’m doing OK. She then went on to say she took a couple of things mistakenly and wanted to return them and if I had an adapter she left. I said I have no idea as I’m preparing to sell my house and have tossed a lot out but I’ll have a look. I then told her I have started counselling and she said, good I’m glad to hear that and sounded surprised as she has been in counselling a few times and strongly agrees with it.
I don’t know what to make of this, she could afford to get a new adapter but to return my property non expensive at that. She wants to this tomorrow and I said OK.
I wonder if this is her way of closure or she wanted an excuse to see me as I have not tried to get my possessions back and I have accepted them as a loss....peace offering? Almost 2 months and I’m sure she thought I would try to contact her especially when she first left but I became as invisible as I possibly could. I’m very, very confused and nervous. I don’t understand this at all. I know I should appear confident and comfortable in front of her but I don’t know if I can. I think I’m scared shi....tless.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I'm no expert but it does sound to me like an olive branch.

I would take it very very slowly if that's what it is. you also need to make sure that any reconciliation is on your terms - not so that you "win" but so that this sort of behaviour doesn't happen again.

She could have talked about your problems but instead she just gave up and moved out, like a thief in the night. Poor decision and a complete avoidance of any responsibility. For your own sake you need to make sure that she does take responsiblity for her end of the reationship (just as you must take responsibility for your end). If she does not, and does not recognise that just running away is not a consructive or mature way to deal with issues and that it caused a lot of unnecessary pain, then it's just going to happen all over again.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Bring your A game.

Fake it if you have to.

Best clothes and best smile.

Life is just fine without her.


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

Thanks Voltaire, olive branch I certainly hope so and not closure. My fear is going back to day 1 when I'm coming along so well and I still have a ways to go. Taking it slow will be a priority.


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

GutPunch," A" game, life is fine without her. I like that and I'll give it my best shot, I hope I can


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

If there is any reaching it has to be from her. Be friendly by all means but nothing that could be interpreted as reaching out or making a play.

It could be nothing more than closure, could be an olive branch but even if it is you have to consider why etc. keep your cool and let her make whatever move she plans. Harden your heart now, there is a good chance it being something other than R. If you are sniffing for hope she will pick up on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

If she throws herself at you, be careful. 

If you succumb, don't be all needy afterwards.

Have the attitude hey that was fun. Thanks for coming by.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GutPunch said:


> If she throws herself at you, be careful.
> 
> If you succumb, don't be all needy afterwards.
> 
> Have the attitude hey that was fun. Thanks for coming by.


Ask her if she'll clean the place before she takes off.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Ask her if she'll clean the place before she takes off.


I can't like this enough.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Looking at it from the female perspective (I wouldn't personally act that way but I am female) I think she fully expected you to chase her. And when you didn't now she has to come up with some way to gauge your feelings. Thus, the visit.

Be careful.


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

Thanks all and Conrad LMAO I needed that. 
I want to add I liked her family and they like me and have had no contact with them as well or her friends. Closure, if it was me I would send a no doubt message like a phone call from her or her family and have a family member do the return of property so I wouldn't have face to face contact. That would be a little cowardly, yet send a clear message >>>it's over. It's probably just me hoping and grasping but this is not sending a true closure/over message. I see mixed signals. Whatever the reason she ain't gonna see me sweat .....I hope


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Anyone who leaves like a theif in the night would not get a second look from me. They did this once, they'll do it again if the going gets rough. My only exception would be if since she left, her doctors discovered a brain tumor they removed that was putting pressure on the azzhole region of her brain that caused her to leave the way she did.

Be careful how you play this one....you may get her back!


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

Openminded I will be indeed be as careful as I can


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## nunikit (Mar 20, 2013)

That was a really cowardly move on her part... Unless you were abusing her or are a Level 10 Clinger/Stalker and she lived in fear of you. Why get all dramatic like that? 

I suspect Openminded is correct about the chasing thing. I think some people enjoy that kind of attention. 

Don't chase her!! You need to establish and maintain your boundaries. 

Don't forget to ask for a massage while your at it.... Laundry does;t hurt also. 

And use a condom if you go there, you don't know what she has been up to the past two months.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Turkey Sam'ich would sure hit the spot.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm with toffer anyone that bails on me like that never gets to see me again. Ever.

I would have never taken the call or I'd say nah I already bought a new adapter but thanks anyway.


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

Thanks zappy, we've both been married before and have kids but in previous relationships and they're grown


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

Well it happened, when she tried to talk she cried, she looked like she hasn't had a decent sleep in a while so I did most of the talking. We hugged and she damn near broke my neck yet it felt good. We are going to meet for coffee. I feel cautiously optimistic ....she never got her friggen adapter back


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Pops001 said:


> Well it happened, when she tried to talk she cried, she looked like she hasn't had a decent sleep in a while so I did most of the talking. We hugged and she damn near broke my neck yet it felt good. We are going to meet for coffee. I feel cautiously optimistic ....she never got her friggen adapter back


Yeah, but did she clean the place?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Restraint is your friend. Maintain your boundaries. You will attract 
her even more.


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

"Yeah, but did she clean the place? " 

Conrad LMAO .....No but she's going to buy the effen coffee


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GutPunch said:


> Restraint is your friend. Maintain your boundaries. You will attract
> her even more.


Physician.... heed thine word!


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

Restraint .....I will GutPunch


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Tell me again why you'd want someone who treated you so poorly as to sneak away back in your life?


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

Toffer before this happened to me I could of easily been you, I had the same attitude " if a woman ever did that to me yada yada yada. But it did happen to me and not to you so you wouldn't understand. I remembered the good in her not just the bad and had to learn how to understand one of the most difficult qualities that we all have in us but many don't know how or why we should use it ....."forgive"...it ain't easy because I still don't know if I can. I'll never find out unless I try.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

He's codependent like me


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Pops,

As I understand it you were living together and have no children together, so there are no legal ties binding you.

This sounds like the grass wasn't greener on the other side, and you are her fallback-position/safety-net.

She's probably been having sex with another guy for the last two months.

You don't think she just woke up one morning two months ago and decided to take off that day, do you? She planned it ahead of time. After 6 years she just cuts you out of her life in a day. No goodbyes, no nothing for 2 months. That's cold. Take a deep breath and consider exactly how cold (and selfish) that really is.

She's probably been having sex with another guy for the last two months.

Why did she leave? You don't know, but it's logical to assume she had someplace to go--like to another guy. Which means she was probably banging another guy while you two were still together.

Oh yea, she's probably been having sex with another guy for the last two months.

The most likely scenario is she started an affair while still living with you. Took off one day, and moved in with the other guy. Two months later, he dumped her. Now, she's hoping you'll take her back and forget that she stabbed you in the back.

Of course, I could be wrong, but I would get the details of exactly what happened--from someone besides her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

zappy88200 said:


> I believe that is called "LOVE"
> 
> Zappy


Zap,

Do you think codependence and love are the same thing?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

zappy88200 said:


> Brother Conrad,
> 
> You inadvertently become co dependent on the person you love.
> 
> Zappy


Our job here is to advertently detach from that


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

zappy88200 said:


> Inspite of giving good advise, you are provoking him (pops) to leave her.


She left him. The question is will take her back.

I'm provoking him to take some smelling-salts and open his eyes wide.

If he wants to take her back, he can. But, it should be as much a logical decision as an emotional one.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Being in a position to choose sounds scary. Sure you want to but is it the right thing. Can you believe her story why she left, Is there true remorse, can you trust her to not just cut and run again? As much as I would love to be in that position it really would scare the heck out of me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Pops,

When I read your last thread, I asked if you were in counseling.

I don't remember your answer.

Are you in counseling?


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

Conrad, yes I'm in counseling. I mentioned that in my original post


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Pops001 said:


> Conrad, yes I'm in counseling. I mentioned that in my original post


Is the counselor challenging you?

Have you discussed codependence?

BTW - I remember your honest accounting of how much beer you were drinking.

I've been there also


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

KC 
True remorse ...I believe so, misses me I'm certain
Trust. Cut and run again....This will take time, perhaps a lot of time before I lower the shields 
Unless I give it a shot I'll never know .....yea it's scary


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Pops001 said:


> KC
> True remorse ...I believe so, misses me I'm certain
> Trust. Cut and run again....This will take time, perhaps a lot of time before I lower the shields
> Unless I give it a shot I'll never know .....yea it's scary


A next logical move is to make an appointment for marriage counseling. Then tell her when it is to happen.

You'll learn plenty by her response to that.


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

Conrad 
yes
no or not yet
I gave it up ......with help


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Pops

I'm not trying to bait you

I'm just trying to make you think this through

If she was in loved in a physi al affair, would that matter to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

Toffer no problem friend, a lot has ran through my mind. as a matter of fact I could be jumping the gun with a few of my thoughts. As for now I just want to get through this coffee with her and take it slow for now.....the rest will come later.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

But Zappy approaching R with that frame of mind would be a disaster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I'm absolutely in favour if its real R. I would be terrified of letting go of detachment for a false R though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

K.C. said:


> I'm absolutely in favour if its real R. I would be terrified of letting go of detachment for a false R though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But, the idea isn't to let go of you.

This is an important point.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

I have seen woman take 2 or 3 times to make a clean break.

It takes them a while to let their wings dry.

Sometimes they want a safe place to land to.

What she did is pretty extreme, good luck.


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## Pops001 (Feb 10, 2013)

We start marriage/couples counseling next week. It's been a hell of a ride. Thank you all for the support ......Pops


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