# Jealousy is really getting to me, I need some advice...



## cap32 (Sep 8, 2009)

How can I teach myself to overcome insecurity and jealousy? I am afraid that I’m starting to corrode my relationship with my husband.

Sorry this is so long…I’m just trying to give all the info I can. 

I have learned something about myself this last week. I am insanely jealous of other women that my husband speaks to. We have been arguing about it a lot this past week, and I know that it’s my problem, but I just don’t know how to get over it and move on, and prevent it from coming back.

This particular fight started over his facebook page, and an ex girlfriend (let’s call her Girl A --they have been friends since high school after dating, and he took her virginity) that he was friends with on there. For the most part, I was handling that okay, being the “cool” wife that was okay with keeping in touch with people from his past. I have met Girl A on several occasions, and although I do believe she would jump at the chance to be with him if he gave it to her, I honestly believe that he would never, and I do trust him, and they don’t hang out when I’m not around anyway. Plus, it has been over 15 years since they were romantic, just carrying on a friendship since that time. I have gotten upset a few other times about contact with this girl before. They had a his back and forth on myspace also back when that was all the rage, and he angrily deleted his myspace page when I said I was upset about some joking (with sexual innuendo) comments they made to each other, even though I was telling him that is not what I was trying to do. 

I really tried to be cool about it and keep myself collected this time when he started up on facebook. 

I did get jealous occasionally to see that he and Girl A almost always immediately respond to each other’s posts every time they make one… I totally trusted that nothing was going on in reality, but I just experienced those pangs of jealousy. But I didn’t say anything and concentrated on talking myself out of it. It just made me start to wonder exactly what this connection they have is.

I got more upset, however, when he added a new friend that isn’t someone from his past (let’s call her Girl B). Girl B is Girl A’s single friend…we all met for drinks once, the four of us. So he’s met that girl once (as have I), and they became friends. They all have kinda dirty and jokey personalities, so their threads/posts/whatever you call them sometimes venture into areas I’m uncomfortable with. Even though I know they are just joking around…it cuts me deep to the core to see that interaction between him and another woman.

To be fair, he hasn’t really said anything off-color, but I have found some of the comments these women have made are a little too friendly for my liking. I feel a wave of possessiveness wash over me and it’s like I’m gone… Stuck in that emotion.

I tried to keep my mouth shut about it, and held onto that feeling for several days. But you know what happens when you let something like that fester inside you. It all culminated into a huge argument where I really didn’t do myself any service as far as expressing myself maturely, and managed to offend him instead. I was hysterical by that point, rather than forthright and sharing my thoughts.

He said he is insulted that I would be so untrusting of him, and that it’s just fun little comments that don’t mean anything and I’m being ridiculous. He doesn’t even talk to them, they aren’t having individual conversations, and they even mention me in several of them.

I went off on this for a bit, but he really set me straight that it’s not just this particular girl, that if she wasn’t there, I’d be jealous of another girl he talks to. And I can admit that’s probably true.

It’s not necessarily this particular girl that I have a problem with, I just seem unable to deal with the knowledge that any woman he meets, even just once, under any circumstances, is fair game to potentially be invited into his daily musings and personal information, into his every day life--he is on facebook off and on all day since he has it on his phone. It just bothers me so much.

I thought we were on the same page about not being cool with making new connections and friendships with opposite sex people. I just hate that this random girl he met one time is now privy to his personal thoughts, photos, moods, everything. 

We talked about it a lot when we first got together because he had recently been cheated on. At that time, he did speak to Girl A on the phone every 2-3 months just to say hi, and a few other girls from his past. I was okay with this for the most part, it was just every now and then….but this facebook…now it’s every day, many times it’s several times a day.

It seems that all women are crazy about my husband and think he’s just the most wonderful thing, which he is. 

After the passion of the argument died down, I admitted that it’s my fault and I have trust issues. My dad left, my step dad was an alcoholic abuser, my ex husband cheated on me (I never knew until we split up for other reasons). That’s the results of every time I’ve put trust in a man… I know that it’s entirely possible (okay, likely) that I am experiencing unjustified jealousy because of lingering abandonment issues.

I’m really trying to be introspective, objective, and mature about this, and look at my flaws. But it’s like I’m just convincing myself….I still have the feelings, I’m just trying to talk myself out of them. I have been feeling like everything is just completely devastated over this, and I really cannot pinpoint why this seems so desperate and major in our relationship.

I spent the last several days just being as apologetic as I possibly could. And doing soul searching in other parts of our relationship. Admitting to my flaws in our relationship that have become “stand-off” issues with us, apologizing for them, and promising to really work on them. I’ve been really concentrating on being the best woman I can for him. 

I’ve never been like this with another man, or anyone. In the past, I would get a little jealous of course seeing a beautiful woman talk to a boyfriend or whatever, but I guess that was before the whole technology thing was going on. It wasn’t so easy to invite people into your life, and share your life with them, so I guess it didn’t make me feel threatened.

So we talked about it again last night. I told him that I guess I’m just having a hard time with it because I’m just finding out that we feel differently about this becoming friends with single people of the opposite sex thing. And that I just never knew that, that it was shocking to me because I honestly thought we felt the same about that.

He got angry and felt insulted again. He stormed out and deleted his entire facebook, and basically said “fine, I will just come home every night to only you, I will not speak to anyone else ever, and I will have no friends, you can be the only person in my life”

Which is completely not what I was trying to do, and I don’t have any major problem with him being in contact with some people…it was just the combination of seeing these posts between him and Girl A since February when he signed up for FB…but I was dealing with those feelings…and then seeing this new single Girl B, who he met once, suddenly all over his page. 

I told him this morning that I wanted him to reactivate his profile because I’m not trying to be like that. I don’t want to isolate him, control him, or be a shrew wife, I don’t want to be responsible for him dropping all contact with others. I apologized profusely to him for acting like I had, for not being fully trusting of his ability to handle these friends. He said he feels like I’m checking up on him. I had already deleted my FB account b/c I don’t need to see this. I asked him to please just continue with his own actions, and that I should not be looking at him as some extension of myself with the same ideas about what is and isn’t okay, that he is allowed to have independent thoughts, and admitted I was wrong. I said he should keep the account, so that I can learn to deal with my trust issues.

He just said it’s not worth it, but now I feel even worse. 

I’m ashamed and embarrassed at my weakness and lack of self control, and I’m having a hard time moving forward. He’s a wonderful man and has never given me reason to think he would have something going on with someone else. He has gotten jealous at things about me before, and it pissed me off too.

I have to know how to get over feelings of jealousy, and accept the vulnerability of being in love. 

I know it’s unattractive to be jealous. I know that my voicing my insecurities could make him pull away. I know nothing is even going on with these women, and yet when I allow myself to even think about it for a moment, I feel this panic rising up in my chest and my eyes well up with tears. I feel so out of control.

If the timeline wasn’t off, I would totally say this is PMS craziness….but it’s not.

WTF is going on with me? Why can’t I control myself?

Anything you could say to me that would be helpful at all would be greatly appreciated.

Please be gentle and kind, though honest and straightforward. I’m really in a delicate state right now, but I have to get it together before I really turn him off. I have never experienced this feeling…I’ve been jealous, but not like this. Not a choking panic. 

I would love to hear of any of you that may have experienced similar jealousy…let’s just be real and call it what it is…fits. How did you get over it and move past?

Thanks in advance…
I hope I don’t get blasted. This is my first post on this board...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, while FB is pretty superficial, if he has deleted his account and doesn't care about it, drop the issue of his profile. Leave it to him to decide. 

Second, get some counseling to deal with your poor self-esteem. That's where the jealousy is coming from--you don't think you are good enough for him to stay with. Once you feel better about yourself, you will not see other women as so threatening. Good luck!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Welcome to the board! I think you've done a great job giving yourself an honest assessment and I also think talking to your husband, taking responsibility & wanting to work on your jealousy issues are all steps in the right direction.



cap32 said:


> I have to know how to get over feelings of jealousy, and accept the vulnerability of being in love.


When the men in your past who you should have been able to count on were not there for you, it is hard to be vulnerable...I get that, I have some of that in my past as well.

At the same time, extreme jealous behavior is like a self-fufilled prophecy....it will push him away if you don't stop it and you will be setting up the perfect stage for the very thing you fear.

You may want to think of all of your great qualities, the things that made your h fall in love with you and just remind yourself that he is with you because that is where he wants to be.

When your mind starts to wander, try to think of something over the top you can do for your h....plan it in your mind, execute it...if you are close and having fun with him, trying new things, keeping things fresh, dates, etc. you probably will not feel so anxious.


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

I have a Facebook account and just wanted to keep in contact with my kids. Then, many people I graduated with started contacting me and I started chatting with them. My husband didn't understand why I wanted a Facebook account and kept teasing me about it and saying it was stupid. Then, he made an account. He goes on it occassionally. But, we are both each others friends on it, so I can see what he writes and visa versa. Facebook, I think, can definately get couples in trouble. The colored comments sometimes said out of fun, isn't always funny for their spouse to read. I get jealous of my husband's relationships too. I just feel there are some women you can be "friends" with and there are others that you can't be "friends" with because of romantic notions. Some women (and men for that matter) can't separate the two. Especially if the women are single, they are always on the prowl. Whether the man is married or not. Sometimes it is safer that they are married because they don't have to committ. 
I think you need to sit with your husband and say it isn't a trust issue, and that you know he will never cheat on you, but rather it is a trust issue for the other party. Maybe your husband doesn't see that these women are attracted to him. Even if your husband isn't attracted to them, and he is nice to them and shows them attention (as a friend would do), the women might take it wrong.
I am just as jealous as you are and many of the comments you shared hit home. I honestly do not think you need to apologize profusely as you are doing though. You are human and jealousy definately goes with every relationship one time or another.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Sexual innuendo should be off the list of available things to chat about with casual friends, though. He wasn't being respectful of his very real, very close, very important marriage. Sexual anything is reserved for your marriage. That's one of the things that sets a marital relationship apart from other relationships. If this kind of talk is open to everything it diminishes how special your relationship with him is.

Honestly, the way those two kept after one another, I think you'd be foolish not to be upset.

And then that cascades into insecurity in other areas. 

So yes, while you need to get control over your emotions, he needs to understand that what he was doing wasn't appropriate for a married man.

Flirting is not right for married people. Sexual talk isn't right, either.

Also, getting together with single females isn't acceptable, either. Do you think they're looking for "friendship?" BS. They're looking for a man.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I completely agree with Dobo on this. That is why I, nor my husband has created a Facebook, My Space, etc. account. It is difficult enough dealing with the aftermath of his affair without the additional possibility of the temptations of something such as that. After learning of his affair, I caught him chatting with another woman on Pogo, and had been off and on for the past seven years. He admitted that she had flashed her boobs. Pogo is now off limits in our home.


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