# New to thread. I hate this emotional roller coaster



## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

A week before Christmas was dday for me. My husband reconnected with a college girlfriend via his sister. I feel betrayed by both my husband and my sister-n-law. Last spring, I was going through emotional hell at work, just trying to survive. During this time, my husband stopped touching me totally. 
My sister-n-law told us at a family get together that she had been contacted by his ex. I told her that I did not want them in contact because I was not comfortable with that. Needless to say, she gave her my husband's work e-mail. 
Over the next few months, they talked via email. She lived on the other side of the state. 
During this time, I had lost my job (career), and I was helping my son plan his Nov. wedding. 
During a business trip in Sept., my husband met up with his ex at a hotel. 
He continued talking to her via email.

When I found out, I was devastated. He swears that it is over. I emailed her a very nasty letter telling her to never contact him again. My husband has been very open to me and we have begun counseling. We want to save our marriage. 

I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I cry all the time. I go from wanting to be intimate with my husband to wanting to hurt him like I have been hurt. I don't know if I am being too forgiving. We talk more than we ever have, which is wonderful. He takes full responsibility for the affair. But I am so tired of him saying that this ***** is a "good girl". Good girl's don't sleep with other woman's husbands. I have read the emails that he wrote to her. He called her his "soulmate" several times. It hurts, bad. 
I am looking for advice. What do I do about his sister? She denies everything even though they are friends on Facebook. How do I get over the "soulmate" statement. Am I wrong for wanting to be intimate with my husband so soon? Please be kind, I am an emotional wreck. Thank you


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The SIL is clearly siding with the home wrecking ex, I'd treat her like she didn't exst until that stops. I wouldn't talk to her, acknlolwdge her or anything going forward. Tell your husband why, and that she must stop bring friends with the cheap skank who used her to re connect and have an affair with you husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

As a cheater, I hope I can help you somewhat.

Don't blame anyone else other than your husband. It was solely his choice. I had the choice to not do it, but I did it anyways.

Here some things your husband MUST (notice I didn't say should or needs) to do:

1) Delete his Facebook account. Yes, a person can survive without one. My affair started with FB. It's a dangerous playground since it all happens out of sight.

2) He has to go completely "No contact" with the other woman. It's the only way. It will hurt him, but no where near how he hurt you. I see that hurt I caused every day. NC is the only way.

3) He needs to be 100% transparent with all calls, texts, emails, logins and password for web site. This will give you the ability to monitor that nothing is still going on. It will provide you some comfort, and should give hi ma source of pride in proving that it really over. You can even install a "key logger" on the computer to make sure it has gone underground. 

4) Both of you attend marriage counseling. And both of you should consider individual counseling. Him to learn why he did what he did. And you to learn how to handle the emotional ride.

5) Plan to do normal activities (ones that you did pre-affair) for you two to do together. And I don't mean sex. Even if it's chores, do things together. Act like a couple.

It's very hard for both. And it takes lots of time. It's been several months since my affair, and we are still working on things. 

Hang in there.


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## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

My h does not do Facebook. She reconnected with him through his sister on Facebook. They talked via his work email and text messages. Because of his job, I am not cleared to even touch his computer. 

What was his sister thinking, giving his info to her? It shows me that she does not respect our marriage. When I asked her why she did it, she denied it and ran to daddy. My fnl told my oldest son that we needed to quick picking on my snl. 

Don't worry, I know that my h should never have responded to her email. He is at fault here. We have been married for 25 years last summer (our anniversary was right in the middle of this). We have 4 children. The 2 oldest sons know what is going on, my girls just know that mom and dad are fighting. 

Why did he do this to me? Why did he do this to our family? Our marriage has not been perfect by any means. We have suffered so many hard times during these 25 years. But I was so naive. I never thought he would do this. 
I love him! I want this to work. I don't believe in divorce. He says he wants to do everything to make our marriage better and rebuild trust. I am just so tired of hurting. I have anxiety attacks all the time. I randomly break out in crying fits. My self esteem was already in the toilet because of losing my job, now this.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Why did he do it? That's where the counseling comes in to play. After several months, I'm still not sure why I did what I did. But I need to understand or I will never be capable of a trusted relationship again. I have 30 years or marriage, and three adult kids. I put all of that at risk for what? The affair drug. It's a "feel good" drug. Just like you gave him when he met you way back when. 

I never thought in a million years I would do it either. But here I am - cheater. 

Just know that it has nothing to do with you. You are not the reason for any of it. It's all him 100%. 

Start working on the things I mentioned, and things will start to improve. The hurt will be there for quite some time. Knowing that the 100% trust is gone is painful for both of you.

But one of those couples that come out stronger than before the affair. It can be done, if you want it. Take your time to decide. Go to counseling first and talk. Find friends and talk. Keep talking until you are tired of talking. This will reduce you stress.

Again, it's not you. My wife is perfect, yet I cheated.


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## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

Last week, we went to our first session with a christian counselor. It was an intake session. Very hard to sit through and listen to details of our life and his affair. Again he told the counselor that the OW was a "good girl". Good girls don't sleep with married men. 
I know we have a lot of work to do and we are both willing to do it. I am just very emotional and alone right now. I don't have anyone to talk to about this (until I found you all).


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm alone as well. This place helps.

Hang in there.


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## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

Thanks, I am having trouble finding other people who have gone through with what I am experiencing. I can't talk to my family. His family has decided to shun me. I have one really close friend, but she is going through her own nightmare (totally different). I am unemployed, sitting at home trying to deal with all this alone.

I am too embarrassed to share with anyone I know. We had a really good reputation in this small town. Everyone was always telling us what a wonderful couple we were. How they looked up to us and our marriage. Now this. My husband told his best friend at work, who immediately spread the word. Now I really feel like a fool.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

I agree with HerToo. This it all your husbands fault. He needs to realize why he cheated, discuss it with you and fix it. 

It's his problem for you to rebuild trust in him. It may take you a few months or a few years. But now he has to wait until you fully trust him regardless of how long it takes you to do this.

If that makes him angry, or he feels you should trust him again right away, I'd quite frankly smack the crap out of him. Actually, I would have done that when I found out he cheated. 

But I too have problems in my relationship and it's easy to give advice. Not so easy to act on it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

never2L8 said:


> Last week, we went to our first session with a christian counselor. It was an intake session. Very hard to sit through and listen to details of our life and his affair. Again he told the counselor that the OW was a "good girl". Good girls don't sleep with married men.
> I know we have a lot of work to do and we are both willing to do it. I am just very emotional and alone right now. I don't have anyone to talk to about this (until I found you all).


Good girl, yea riight. During my conversation with my WS I told her I knew she went to the liquor store (which she never went on her own) and bought liquor on the day that they first met up and had sex. I asked if he drank with her? She said "he does drink because he feels it is wrong". OK, he is involved in his church and married with children. He can f*** another man's wife 6 times but drinking is wrong. That is what I told my WS when she looked at me like I was crazy to even ask if the OM drank with her. 

I would just calmly tell your H, I don't ever want to hear you say that the OW is a good girl, ever. She is a Sl**, period, end of story.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

never2L8 said:


> Last week, we went to our first session with a christian counselor. It was an intake session. Very hard to sit through and listen to details of our life and his affair. Again he told the counselor that the OW was a "good girl". Good girls don't sleep with married men.
> I know we have a lot of work to do and we are both willing to do it. I am just very emotional and alone right now. I don't have anyone to talk to about this (until I found you all).


I see that him referring to her as a "good girl" is a huge issue with you and I completely understsand! First, as you said, good girls don't cheat with married men. (Please, not trying to offend anyone but the behavior is not good). Second, it hurts that he can compliment her; the woman who stole him from you. I hated when my ex did that! I'm thinking how stupid he was to compliment the woman involved, to me or in front of me, when SHE hurt me too! And thirdly, it feels to you that he is defending HER and that hurts you...so yes, I understand, completely. I think you should tell him this eats away at you, it is thoughtless of him, and totally inconsiderate, and to STOP IT!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I know how you feel. My wife and I received many of the same compliments from others with regards to being a perfect couple. We were. And I ruined that. I'm also embarrassed. 

You have no reason to feel like a fool. You didn't do anything wrong. 

Time for you to start planning on your future. Set a goal for a better marriage, if that's what you want. Then research many of the web site and books for how to recover from an affair. This book gets recommended quite often: http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174


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## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

That is exactly what I wrote her in the email I sent her. My h gave me her phone number after I insisted, but she would not answer. Stinking caller id. I sent her a private message on Facebook (I am not her friend on fb) and I sent a copy to her email. As I stated, she lives on the other side of the state, so I could not confront her in person.


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## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

Thanks HerToo, I went on ebay and ordered the book. 

I really love my husband and I want this to work. He says that he wants it to work too. I believe that he does. He has been very open with me and we have been talking a lot about how we got to this point. I just don't know if I have made it too easy for him. Have I forgiven him too easily?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I don't know. My wife forgave me the next day, and has not gone off at me since the day she discovered. Time bombs are all around after an affair. you'll never know what will trigger the explosion.

Forgiving is fine, but have rules to protect yourself from a relapse. Going cold turkey on an affair is like a severe drug withdrawal. You need to be the replacement for that drug. 

Feel free to ask me anything. 

Good luck to you, your husband, and your marriage.

HT


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## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

I thank God that she lives so far away. But I am not ready to trust that he won't email her or text her. Or vise versa. I want to trust him, but I gave him my whole trust and look where it got me. 

I am so new with this, that I am not sure what to even ask. I just don't understand why when I was going through hell in my life, he gravitated to her. He says that he felt neglected. Where was he for me in my time of despair?


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

It has been almost 3 1/2 months since I discovered my fiance cheated on me..ONS. It kills me daily. The images I make up in my head about them drives me to drink. I won't lie..getting over it doesn't seem like it will EVER happen. Some days are good..but some days are horrible. I try to put on a brave face for the sake of us working through it, but that is only after a 20 minute shower where I have been able to get all the crying out. 
I have also contacted the person he slept with. I went about it differently than you did though. She knew about me and slept with him anyway. She has no morals and is a piece of nasty sh*t, I just pointed that out to her in a nice way and kindly asked her to stay away from him as I love my family and want to hold onto it for dear life. She apologised and promised she would have never have contact with him again. I am hoping that by letting her get to know me a little bit, it will appeal to whatever humanity she may have left in her little pinkie and really stay away from him. But in my head...I call her a f***ing w*ore everyday. Because she is. 

They say after a few years and counseling it will get better...I guess we will see right? I am sorry for your pain..I know it well and it is a brutal b**ch.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

No one signs up for the role you are in. It's thrust upon you as a result of s very stupid decision. This alone should get you angry.

There are NO excuses for an affair. Neglected or not. 

You are starting to think about how things were, and things that bothered you. It's time for counseling for yourself. You are now possibly vulnerable to do something yourself if you keep thinking that way. I'm not saying you are, I'm saying that it does happen.

Start working on the solution by talking with him more, setting boundaries, enforcing rules, demanding transparency. Do it now to get some relief, and the control you need to have.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Dellia said:


> I see that him referring to her as a "good girl" is a huge issue with you and I completely understsand! First, as you said, good girls don't cheat with married men. (Please, not trying to offend anyone but the behavior is not good).* Second, it hurts that he can compliment her; *the woman who stole him from you. I hated when my ex did that! I'm thinking how stupid he was to compliment the woman involved, to me or in front of me, when SHE hurt me too! And thirdly, it feels to you that he is defending HER and that hurts you...so yes, I understand, completely. I think you should tell him this eats away at you, it is thoughtless of him, and totally inconsiderate, and to STOP IT!


Yeah, my guy insisted for a while "what a great friend to him she was." Well, buddy, you need to find some better friends.


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