# How Far Is He Cheating?



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

A few months ago I stumbled on a discussion page for the app Chive on my H email. It was multiple compliments to this young 19-20 something of her undie and braless pics. Comments that included having to take cold showers and how she was an all you can eat buffet. We've been married for over a decade and have kids, so my body is no longer the curvy bouncy shape it once was. Plus we have a child who needs therapies! My schedule just isn't set up for a long gym workout and my breasts have been eaten away more and more by our wonderful happy children. He says he hasn't done more then just chat but I feel like he's betrayed the trust I've had in him all these years. I feel like everything I've ever done to make him look better in his job has been chalked up to "requirement" as a wife not sleepless nights and long hard work I didn't have to do. With all the stress of keeping our families lives on track I lost a lot of weight. He lied when I brought it up to him, but later admitted he had said the things posted. For a month he followed through with being open and honest, but now slowly things are going back the way they were. I don't know if I'm in the right or wrong.... But I fear for our marriage! I love him and can't incision a future without him. However I can't stand the silence anymore. Am I making it worse? Please honest answers.


----------



## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

Does he talk that way to you? That would be one of the things that would hurt the most for me. If he didn't say them to me but said them to others.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What your husband is doing is not cool at all... is it cheating. Yea. I'd be surprised if he was only chatting with women.. .meaning he's probably meeting women too.

How do you think he would react if he caught you doing the exact same thing with men?

How long have the two of you been marriage? How old are the two of you? How many children do you have and what are their ages? Just try trying to get a better picture of your situation.

You might want to start doing more things for yourself, get in shape.. find that time for the gym. Start doing things to gain more independence so that you are no so dependent on a man who clearly has little respect for you.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think that should have been how far is he cheating?

And TW the answer is he is cheating too far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

TallieMo said:


> Does he talk that way to you? That would be one of the things that would hurt the most for me. If he didn't say them to me but said them to others.


He use to. As well as leave notes and random flowers he would find while walking the dogs. I know things slow down but even our bedroom activity slowed to almost a full stop, till I confronted him with the posts. Then like a bundle of TNT it became almost everyday we would be like rabbits... Now it's slowing down again.


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> The title of your thread makes no sense. "Farsi" is the language spoken in Persia. If you will tell me what title you wanted to post, I'll fix your thread title.
> 
> What your husband is doing is not cool at all... is it cheating. Yea. I'd be surprised if he was only chatting with women.. .meaning he's probably meeting women too.
> 
> ...


I was typing quickly when I posted. It's "far is" but autocorrect likes popping up when I really don't want it to.

I'm not a big fan of giving out too much information on the web. But we have been married for 10 1/2 years our oldest just started school and youngest is just now a toddler. Our only son has Autisim, so I have a full time job with him and his therapies. We're close to "millennial" age, but remember the 80's. 

As for gym time, we married with me weighing more then him at 180Lbs. I am now 125lbs. So it's not that I "let myself go" it's more I'm rarely sitting still. I am extremely independent by nature however child care cost and therapy scheldules leave me without an option of a job. His up bringing doesn't help much either. Not parents cheated on each other, after the end of their 20+ year marriage the mother became a born again Christian with a huge chip on her shoulder (the kind that makes Christians look very bad. I.E.: do as I say not as I do). She even considered devorcing her current hubs (#3) over finding a (1) porn mag from the 70-80's in his collage memory box that was sealed 5 years before they met. I'm ok with porn, but believe it is something to share with your SO or used when away for long periods of time from your SO. However you don't pm the stars to tell them of the effects their "acting" (we all know it sucks) did to you.
Hope that helped.


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

dash74 said:


> I was wondering if it was going to start out I walked in on him and a goat
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Lol!!!! ??? oddly I don't think that would have hurt as much as the 6 posts he made. Besides the goat poop in the bed!!! Lol!!!!???? (JK. That would freak me out a bit too much and I would have backed out and called up the lawyer right then.)
No worries. The typo was my mistake.


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I think that should have been how far is he cheating?
> 
> And TW the answer is he is cheating too far.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And yes it's an autocorrect malfunction not a goat girlfriend, as stated by another commenter. Lol!!!?

Thank you for making me feel better about my choice to get us into concealing so that neither of us feels like we are being attacked. I do believe in divorce when things can't be put back together. However I can't take that path till all other avenues and options have been used to attempt to fix our marriage. My sleep deprived state may have made it sound as if he's right out of the tv show "mad men" however he does care for the children when I need or want to go out with the girls or go shopping for the families needs without the kids. He cooks if I hadn't had time, and attempt to make the meal healthy. As well as doesn't make any comments if I hadn't gotten to the homely choirs that (pick random day I hadn't folded laundry or vaccines or dishes from breakfast yet) day. The biggest issue is communication, or lack there of.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This stuff is a slippery slope. It starts out as "innocent" talking, moves on to information sharing and then turns sexual in nature. It's an emotional affair right now, and could turn into a physical one. If it's slipping back, it's because you rug swept and he really has no interest in resolving things himself. 

Really, you have one choice with two possible outcomes. If you want to save your marriage (obviously your call), you need to be willing to end it. Tell him you want a divorce, this is a violation of your vows and everything you saw in him as a man. The outcome will be either that he is shocked into trying anything to save the marriage or he just says ok, and bails. Option A) well, you'll probably want him to schedule counseling and all sorts of other things you can search the forum for. Option B) better you find out sooner than later.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Thor'swife said:


> I do believe in divorce when things can't be put back together.


At the stage that he has gone outside of the marriage more than once, even just chatting, you may have no other recourse to either get him fully committed or move on.


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

I see your point. That is a huge fear of mine. But she hasn't commented back to him. She's a chivette she has followers who she does talk to or reply to, but my hubs isn't one of them. If therapy doesn't work, that is the next and only step I have left. That bridge will be burned or built when I get there. Thank you for being honest. It helps even when it hurts. I've seen first hand when therapy can work. My parents had to do it when I was young. They celebrate 32 years of marriage this year, however it doesn't always work.


----------



## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

How far is he cheating?

Impossible to answer without knowing the length of his penis.


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

Mclane said:


> How far is he cheating?
> 
> Impossible to answer without knowing the length of his penis.


Lol!!! above average, so says my cervics. Lol!


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Thor'swife said:


> I see your point. That is a huge fear of mine. But she hasn't commented back to him. She's a chivette she has followers who she does talk to or reply to, but my hubs isn't one of them..


Trust me, the chivette has no interest in him. Those girls are just attention *****s. They eat up the comments from men. To me, why is he even wasting his time sending messages to her. What's the point??

He thinks it is harmless. To him yes, to you no. Call him out on it. KCCO.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I guess I'll be the odd one out here. I don't see that as cheating. It's not a two-way interaction and I doubt he ever thought it would be. I do certainly think he is being inappropriate though and the very fact that he hurt you through his actions is enough to make it an issue. Before you make an appointment for MC, just sit down and have a long talk with him about how you don't feel desired and how you feel that he stepped over a line with his remarks. 

You have two young kids. The sex life will take a hit under those circumstances. That part is natural. He MAY have been frustrated too, and therefore made an inappropriate post. I would never do that myself, but it's possible that's why he did it. 

I don't think your marriage is in jeopardy. He acknowledged his mistake and, at least for a while, made amends. He now needs to step up to the plate and make you feel loved and desired again.


----------



## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Men for some reason think it is fine to comment and look at women that way. One of my kids has a disability and I hear you loud and clear about the stress of keeping a family going.

Try and take care of yourself and kids first and don't let this stop the good work you're doing.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I won't comment on whether it's cheating or not, as you'll get a wide range of thoughts on that, and it's really up to YOU if it is or not. If it's past YOUR boundaries (and it appears to be), then it's not cool.

That said, this sounds like he's made comments to a professional (semi-pro? amateur?) model on a site that showcases that sort of thing. This isn't somebody he knows, will ever know, or is otherwise interested in him at all.

So you are cool with porn (as you said above) and I suppose that includes looking at pictures, which he's doing. Commenting on said photos, though, that seems to be your boundary, and he's crossed over it. And I get that, because now he's got a particular woman he's interested in, and that's naturally threatening.

To him, it's harmless. He likely (hopefully) knows that this woman, although a real person, is purely fantasy, and that he'll never meet her, nor will she be interested in him. Therefore it's safe to send her a couple of messages and compliment her via the internet, along with the 1000's of other men who do likewise.

In other words, he likely doesn't recognize her as a "real" person, and therefore it's not registering as crossing any boundaries in his mind.

From your POV, it's time and energy spent on somebody else, instead of you, which is absolutely not okay. I know I said I wouldn't comment on whether it's cheating or not, but my own personal view on situations like this is that any time spent on other people (real or fantasy/internet) is cheating to a degree. It's cheating you out of receiving the same attention you would/should otherwise be getting.

You guys have a heavy workload at home, with 3 kids 10 and under, one with special needs. We have a teenager and a pre-teen at home, and even that affects our marital life (sex life...). Things take a backseat to other things, and each person is fighting for time. It's normal. Each of you is in competition for attention from the other (and it's often just the one spouse who actually feels like this - usually the man, unfortunately). But this website, and this girl, are always there.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'll suggest you read the book His Needs Her Needs, to learn more about how to make your marriage so great that he is far less likely to look at other women. I'll ask, though, how often does HE help YOU? You mention sacrificing for him; if you aren't asking the same of him, it could be developing a 'lower value' of you in his mind.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Is this OUR Thor?


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Thor'swife said:


> A few months ago I stumbled on a discussion page for the app Chive on my H email.


The Chive?!? Meh. 

I have that app. Far as I can tell, it's geared towards making over the hill 30 something yo married guys feel like frat boys again.

I'd be surprised if he was having a PA from the sounds of it (I mean Craig's list would be far more damning and easier to get laid on).

But clearly he's looking to recapture some spark from not just your relationship but probably life in general. Is he depressed?

I'd say this relationship is salvageable but some really HONEST conversations need to start happening about what going on in his head.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

btterflykisses said:


> Men for some reason think it is fine to comment and look at women that way. One of my kids has a disability and I hear you loud and clear about the stress of keeping a family going.
> 
> Try and take care of yourself and kids first and don't let this stop the good work you're doing.


I've commented about other women. Not a lot, but I've done it.

To other guys. Not to my wife, and not to the woman being commented about.

It's one thing to have a frat boy moment with your buddies and entirely another to initiate contact with someone based on her looks.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

seems like a big stretch to call this "cheating"

entirely reasonable to not be happy about it, but keep it in perspective.

this girl is almost certainly a total fantasy. as others have pointed out, there is almost certainly zero interaction between him and her. 

if there was a poster of her on a wall in a locker room and your husband took out a marker and wrote "hot" on the wall next to it, would that be cheating? because this is (in all likelihood) basically the same thing.

now, it's a different question whether a grown man writing on the wall is mature, considerate, etc. if this sort of thing bugs you, he should quit doing it.


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

That is hurtful and I would imagine a blow to your self esteem. I am so sorry


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yeah,
I was wondering if this is THE Thor we see on here.

I also think that your husband sees this as pure fantasy and therefore doesn't have a big conscience problem about it. However, it also needs to stop. I don't think the porn thing is a good idea, either, based on stuff I read here. I've looked at some in the distant past and haven't in about a year at all.
I get tempted from time to time and don't see it as a problem, but I do think for most people it escalates.
From the rabbit sex, you can see that he was hysterical bonding most likely because he was afraid you were going to divorce him. Less, but normal amounts of sex, is a good thing.

I think it's nothing to freak about, but something to lay down the law about. It definitely shouldn't be happening.
JMO


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

What he did was obviously wrong but I don't think there's necessarily enough evidence to say he's doing anything physical. I know how much that must have hurt you. if you really want to stay together give him this one chance and be very clear if anything else remotely like that happens again, it's all over.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Is this OUR Thor?


I was wondering this too!!! It can't be!!! 

@Thor

I don't think it's cheating, but it surely is disrespectful. I can't fathom why some guys/gals would do this when they know their spouse could come across it. He could have looked at the pic and moved on. No need to comment.


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Thor'swife said:
> 
> 
> > I see your point. That is a huge fear of mine. But she hasn't commented back to him. She's a chivette she has followers who she does talk to or reply to, but my hubs isn't one of them..
> ...


I did and as far as I can tell, he hasn't done it again. However you're right. It hurts.


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

turnera said:


> I'll suggest you read the book His Needs Her Needs, to learn more about how to make your marriage so great that he is far less likely to look at other women. I'll ask, though, how often does HE help YOU? You mention sacrificing for him; if you aren't asking the same of him, it could be developing a 'lower value' of you in his mind.


"How often does he help you" depends on the help your asking about. The choirs? I have to remind him or they'd never get done. He could like in utter filth, I've seen it. Now if you mean big picture, he pays most of the bills. Then again I haven't had my re-eval with the VA, so that may change.


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> I guess I'll be the odd one out here. I don't see that as cheating. It's not a two-way interaction and I doubt he ever thought it would be. I do certainly think he is being inappropriate though and the very fact that he hurt you through his actions is enough to make it an issue. Before you make an appointment for MC, just sit down and have a long talk with him about how you don't feel desired and how you feel that he stepped over a line with his remarks.
> 
> You have two young kids. The sex life will take a hit under those circumstances. That part is natural. He MAY have been frustrated too, and therefore made an inappropriate post. I would never do that myself, but it's possible that's why he did it.
> 
> I don't think your marriage is in jeopardy. He acknowledged his mistake and, at least for a while, made amends. He now needs to step up to the plate and make you feel loved and desired again.


Not one, 6 altogether. The moment I start a convo about anything remotely serious it's a one way ticket to cry town. We've used MC in the past as a translator. I'm too blunt so he thinks I'm pissed and he won't talk... It's how he was raised.


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

btterflykisses said:


> Men for some reason think it is fine to comment and look at women that way. One of my kids has a disability and I hear you loud and clear about the stress of keeping a family going.
> 
> Try and take care of yourself and kids first and don't let this stop the good work you're doing.


Thank you. You too!


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Is this OUR Thor?


You would have to alaberate a bit.


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Thor'swife said:
> 
> 
> > A few months ago I stumbled on a discussion page for the app Chive on my H email.
> ...


Ya, I'm counting the days till I can freely express and he can too. Or at least have one other person who can explaine what's going on in his head. Even if every session was split so "I don't get mad." I've worked hard over our marriage to not blow up when things don't work.


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Yeah,
> I was wondering if this is THE Thor we see on here.
> 
> I also think that your husband sees this as pure fantasy and therefore doesn't have a big conscience problem about it. However, it also needs to stop. I don't think the porn thing is a good idea, either, based on stuff I read here. I've looked at some in the distant past and haven't in about a year at all.
> ...


Plossable, however I don't know if my hubs has an account here.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thor'swife said:


> "How often does he help you" depends on the help your asking about. The choirs? I have to remind him or they'd never get done. He could like in utter filth, I've seen it. Now if you mean big picture, he pays most of the bills. Then again I haven't had my re-eval with the VA, so that may change.


No, I'm asking about, when you have a problem and need help, and you say 'H, I can't get these three things done, will you give me a hand?' - what does he do? Yell at you? Step up and help you? Help but make you feel like crap?


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

turnera said:


> Thor'swife said:
> 
> 
> > "How often does he help you" depends on the help your asking about. The choirs? I have to remind him or they'd never get done. He could like in utter filth, I've seen it. Now if you mean big picture, he pays most of the bills. Then again I haven't had my re-eval with the VA, so that may change.
> ...


Ha ha ha ha!!!! -_- no. For the most part the two chores he has around the house barely get done if they get done at all. If I ask for help on a chore, I have a 25% chance that it will be done at all. I'm away 20 hours a week on a normal week dealing with therapies. He's never taken the kids to get shots, surgeries. Check ups he will deal with if I have other appointments and can not do it. Watching the kids means he plays video games while the kids play in the playroom... Homework= mommy, cleaning=mommy, paying the bills on time=mommy, going to therapies and evaluations=mommy, cooking for everyone not just myself=mommy, making and going to appointments= mommy, taking the car in for maintenance = mommy, need I say more? I get it, I'm not in the military anymore, I stay home now. However I'm barely home at all. When our youngest was born he couldn't even go to the store for food!!!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, then I suggest you start working on this one area. There's a huge lack of respect between you two. And when someone doesn't respect another, it's easy to take you for granted, to forget you even matter. Pick something you want him to help with, something you won't care if it gets done, and tell him you need him to participate in the household, and you'd like him to take on this task now. I suggest starting with his laundry, since it won't matter to you if he does it.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

@Thor ... is this your wife?


----------



## Thor'swife (May 6, 2016)

Blossom Leigh said:


> @Thor ... is this your wife?


No, Judging by somethings he has commented on he could be my dad, not my H.


----------

