# Is there a chance?



## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

My husband of 29 years has decided to leave. He went right to the divorce word. I could see he was hurting and asked if we could just separate for a while and see if we could fix this. He said it wouldn't work. He needs to find himself and he isn't in love with me anymore. Of course, never going through this before I begged him to stay and from what I now understand I shouldn't have done that. But my heart was breaking and I would have done anything for him to stay or at least consider a separation. 
He has moved out and I am leaving him alone. Although I am dying inside and the only reason I'm sort of keeping it together is for our daughter. 
Some of the family think he is having a mid-life crisis. His mother passed away last year (his father is also no longer living) and he had a mini stroke about 6 months ago. He has recovered from that physically but I'm not sure about emotionally. 
I just don't know what to do. Is there even a chance for us? Has anyone gone through this and been able to put it back together or am I just fooling myself.


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## GreenLantern (Feb 24, 2014)

I am not a professional adviser but I wish to help. It looks like you and your husband have gone through quite a bit lately, especially the death of a close relative. I agree begging is not good. If you can play it cool, see if he reconsiders.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

My H left me 2 weeks ago saying very similiar things to me. THe advice i have been getting is , no contact let him have his space maybe the time away will do him some good to get his head right. Each situation is different and I feel there is always hope. If you need someone to talk to you can PM me anytime.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Who is the OW?


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

He says there isn't one. He's staying with our son and his fiancée so I'm not sure if there is one or if that's just his way of trying to hide it. But I would hope he wouldn't do that to our son.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

> "I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.
> 
> Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings."
> 
> Dr. Willard Harley, author "His Needs Her Needs"


Coping with Infidelity: Beginning (Part 1)

I don't know if your spouse is having an affair, but I'm inclined to go with the guy who has been doing this since the late 60s, has seen it all, and has written some of the top material on the subject.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Don’t beg and plead and limit your interaction with him right now. He gave you the standard general excuses when he left, you don’t even know what you are up against or the true reasons for leaving. 

It may be the mid life crisis, you said he had a stroke a few months ago. I had a hemorrhagic stroke about 7 years ago and doctors will tell you that strokes affect each and every person differently. The physical part came back rather quickly for me but it did play with my emotions for a time. Guys think we will live hard and live forever in general. Suddenly faced with mortality or serious illness does rock our world to a degree. 

He could be having an affair, a midlife crisis any number of things but till you know what you are up against focus on yourself. Your own wellbeing. This will be one of the harder times in your life and will test your inner strength. Nothing prepares you for it. As hard as it is, keep your emotions in check start looking at the situation as objectively as you can and try to figure the real problem in the relationship and if it can be fixed.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

It's so weird. These emotions are horrible. I'm crying one minute, so sad it's painful, can't eat or sleep, I've lost 8 pounds in the last 6 days, and then the next minute I'm pissed off beyond belief that he would be so selfish. Our son is getting married soon, I have to put our dog to sleep next week, I quit a very good job because it was stressing the family out, especially him, he hated me working there, and got a part-time job so we could spend more time together, and then bam! And with the bonus money I got from my job before I left I bought him the truck he always wanted. Fancy and expensive. I was so happy for him. And then bam! He tosses me to the curb and I am now dependent on him until I can find another good paying job that is full time. And the fact he said he had been thinking about this for a while is stunning. Why encourage me to quit, which he did (he also makes good pay) let me buy that stupid truck. In some ways it seems like he just waited for the time when I would not be so independent. And what makes me even madder at myself is why the heck I can't hold on to this anger. It's easier for me to deal with than the hurt and sadness. 
I would rather go to bed at night dreaming of slashing those mud tires on that truck which would cost him a couple grand to replace than go to bed crying. 
It's all so confusing and I'm glad I found this site to be able to share my feelings without censor and get feedback and support. Hearing from others who have been through this and the encouragement is helpful.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You will be helped immensely here.......fear not......


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your emotions will be all over the map, unfortunately its normal and it doesn’t go away quick. The cant eating and sleeping again is just part of the shock. Make sure to eat even if you don’t want to. I lost 30 pounds when my spouse left me and I couldn’t afford to loose it. 

You will find good advise from people and other stories on this site. The biggest thing is to somehow stay calm, we all hit panic mode and it affects every part of our life at first. How long has been moved out? I also hate to say it but if you can access his cellphone records, check your credit card statements etc. Look for some unusual activities. 

Has he been acting secretive lately? You say you took a job with less hours to spend more time together. Have you been spending more time together and if you have has there been arguments? Soomething to give you some clues. Usuallly once the initial shock wears off you can start to pick up on clues. The hardest part to realize that whatever is going on right now, you wont fix it in a day and it didn’t fall apart in a day. 

You cant force him to talk to you. Don’t look for excuses to contact him. Make him wonder what you are doing. The more you try the more he knows you are just waiting around for him. At this time don’t take too much stock in what he says his reasons for leaving are. Blame deflection is a big part of spouses leaving and emotions run high. What he is saying right now and the reasons are probably two different things. Don't take all the blame for the situation, hoping to just fix it it just reinforces his reasons for leaving right now and it took two of you to get to this point.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Find out who he's got the hots for, and believe me, there's a 99.9999999% assurance (not chance) that he's got feelings for someone else. Whether that other person is a willing participant is not known, but she most likely is.

Once this happens (what has just happened to you), you're guaranteed at least 2-3 years of hard-times with ample opportunities for self-growth. 

It's really up to you how you want to handle this, but you're more likely to follow the usual path which is shock->plea->depression->detachment->recycling->hurt->more depression->more recycle attempts->further detachment->divorce


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Hi Terri,

How was your marriage prior to this happening?

What's your history with your husband?

How has your relationship with him progressed over the years?


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Reflecting back on our marriage there have been difficulties here and there. Resentment on my part I'm sure from always feeling used. Through most of our marriage I have always worked. He didn't help with much of anything. I did the housework, laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, picking up kids from daycare and then when they got older taking them to afterschool activities and not getting home until 9 which was hard because our youngest daughter at that time was 2 and I had to drag her around to all this with me. He said he couldn't help out because he worked nights at the time getting home around 8 in the morning. But the least he could have done was have dinner cooked before he left for work. Sex was good but there was no cuddling or affection for me. We had to spend every holiday with his stupid parents whether we wanted to or not including my own stinking birthday. So I know that my resentment built up towards him and I have probably distanced myself from him to some extent. I got a better job and moved up in that company and really found my independence. It felt great to be appreciated for my talents and to be paid accordingly. It's funny because I worked with all guys, no other girls worked there, and I was flirted with on a daily basis. But I never reciprocated. Ever. I was committed to my husband and our family, knew his faults and was trying to accept them and find things in my own life that I enjoyed. What a fool I have been.
As far as if he is cheating on me, to be honest that was my first thought, but now I really just don't care. I've never checked any of his stuff until he told me he wanted out and of course I lost it and then I did check. I couldn't find anything. But that just made me feel like a crappy person. I won't do that again. 
Anyway, another day and the emotions are still all over the place, but I'm still trying to keep it together. His stupid line of he needs to find himself and how he feels this coldness inside of him and that he is going to grow old and be alone is his problem at this point. I think it's just a ploy to make me feel sorry for him. And as far as growing old alone, that looks like that will be my plight. What man wants a 50 year old woman? (Yes I am struggling with my own demons of getting old) My brother says he thinks this is the best thing. He says my husband has never treated me that well and I just wouldn't see it. But I know this can't be blamed on one person even thought I'm venting and it sounds like I'm blaming him for everything. It just seems like we are adults and could at least give it an honest try to express our needs to each other and then work on correcting our behaviors. But I guess not.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

How funny. The husband just texted me that he can't find his keys for work. Big deal where he works and says he will have to go before security and will get written up and put on probation. So he wants me to scour the house to find them. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I think I'll try as hard to find them as he is trying with this marriage. I'm supposed to be looking for them right now. Not. It's the little things in life that make me smile. I know i'm being vindictive right now (and I know I'll go look for those stupid keys and hope I don't find them) but it sure feels good at this moment. I needed something to brighten my day.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

You and I are going through very similar situations right now. I agree why can't we sit down as adults and figure it out. Work on the issues. Why do they have to shut us out and be such dinks. I feel it would be so much easier than having to go through the pain of a divorce. I know with mine it will cost us both alot. We are so much in debt with this business that we are supposed to be opening this year. That we really can't afford to get divorced. If we do he will be bankrupt for the 2nd time in his life and will be taking me down with him. Not to mention he wants this business so bad that he will lose it if we can not figure things out. Go figure.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

What man wants a 50 year old woman?

This man wants any woman as long as she's a decent person, has similar values, and is reasonably attractive. 

Stop selling yourself short. Our spouses don't want us but someone else does!


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I guess it's just part of the process - of not feeling good about yourself. Not being able to see positively past this. As hard as I'm trying to understand all my feelings and not let them control me I'm not doing a very good job with that as far as it is directed at me. Doing fine leaving him alone. 
I have an appointment to trade in the eyeglasses for contacts and an appointment for some botox on the face. These are my own issues, nothing my husband has put on me but they have surfaced with a vengeance now. I feel like the things I loved so much in life have been gone for so long that the only thing I have left is what I look like. I grew up on the Gulf of Mexico and practically lived in our boat. The water was the place I had the most enjoyment. Tennis and hanging out with friends. We live in my husbands home town which is also located on the Gulf but we don't live on the water. I asked to buy a boat for many years - to share with our kids the life I loved, but no, he's not a water person. Friends were always his and their idea of fun is to pawn their kids off on someone and go party and get drunk. Not my lifestyle. I just don't know how to get back what I have lost. When my brother divorced many years ago I felt so bad for him and my sister-in-law. I love them both. I remember telling him when it was over to try not to be bitter, remember the good things. It wasn't a waste of time. Wow, how stupid that was. Because I sure feel like I wasted my time. I wish I had never met or married him. I wish I could erase him from my life. 
By the way, still haven't found those keys he lost. I'm sure he'll say I did something with them. But I didn't. So I'm sure I'll have to listen to that crap when he gets off work tonight. He's pushed away all friends that I had so I'm kind of alone, but if I did have friends I would definitely make plans to not be available for the next couple of days.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Terri,

I asked you how your relationship was with your H. 

You could have answered many ways. 

Yet, what we are mostly hearing are regrets about not living the life you wanted and complaints about how you were treated. 

This isn't a knock against you. 

Merely pointing out the opportunity that lies ahead of you. 

I think you are going to be more than fine.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I thought I laid that out in an earlier post but maybe I didn't make it very clear. There have always been some ups and downs which is of course natural in a marriage but we have always been able to talk about them and work through them. The one reason I believe our marriage has lasted so long is our commitment to each other and although he was a jerk about helping out there were things about him that I respected and loved. Recently it has been strained. He had his stroke not long after his mother passed and his brothers didn't help in anyway with it. He was the one who stayed with her and worked while she was dying of cancer. I worked and stayed at our home to take care of our daughter. That was very hard on him. We've never had a "perfect marriage" but it certainly wasn't bad. To be honest with you, I can only tell you the problems on my end that I'm aware of as he so stupidly always said he was happy and I didn't need to change anything. But that wasn't true, obviously. I'm a strong willed person, independent for the most part and I'm really not into coddling or begging to get information. But I guess I should have done that to get him to talk to me. I'm sure he sees me as disconnected from him as I have seen him becoming. I have had great fear after his stroke and he did mention several times that I had changed and was not the same person. Of course I changed. I was scared, still am, that he would have another one. I made sure the house was quieter and things were easier for him. I stopped being such a mouth - took things more in stride instead of being so reactive to everything. Trust me, I know my faults in this. I am a pain in the ass if you want to know the truth. I know this doesn't lay squarely on his shoulders. Even though he won't admit that I have done anything to cause this I know that isn't true. That is why I asked for a chance to correct my behavior. We could take a break and get back to the people we were before. I have my faults and I've got changes to make for sure. I also know that my love for him is true, I've always tried to put his feelings first, always had his back and supported him and encouraged him with anything he wanted in life. I don't regret any of that. I just regret that he doesn't think I'm worth a real try. It's hard for me to explain my marriage. It's always been personal to me and I've never discussed anything bad about it with anyone. Only the good things. So it is hard for me to find the way to explain it now. But in my heart I know this came about because he feels that he isn't loved and cherished by me. That's what I really believe. And he's right. I didn't show it enough. I can't even argue that point. It's not what I meant to do and I don't know how or when it happened. I just got caught up in trying to be the best wife, mom, employee and I left out the most important part. And though I appreciate that you think I will be fine, I will not for a very long time. I will survive it because I have to. And I will miss my life with him forever.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

And by the way, I have those regrets now because I'm in pain. I'm venting about a life I could have had but chose not to have to be with him. I say I regret not having that now because I don't have the life I chose with him anymore. I don't know how to explain it but I didn't mean it the way you took it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We all have, I think, regrets about our lost marriages. We never felt we would be where we are. But there's life on the other side and it can be good. My 45 year marriage ended last summer. My past life is gone but I have another one now and I focus on it. So while this is not what you want, it appears to be what you have been handed. Spend some mourning it. We all do. But don't let that be your sole focus. You have a life to live.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Well, he called this morning again. This time it was to fill out some paperwork for him that he couldn't do and to ask for some money. Wow. He wants to be out on his own but he can't seem to take care of his own stuff. It's really painful and difficult when he does this because I just want to tell him to take care of his own crap. I have enough on my plate right now. 
He mentioned on the phone he wants to meet this weekend to discuss how much money he will provide for me and our daughter until I can get on my feet. He said he has been thinking of a separation for right now instead of going straight to divorce, but he has concerns that it will be worse if that doesn't work out so he will leave that decision up to me. He said he wants me to think about it and that I might decide that I want to just go straight to divorce. I don't know how to handle this or what to say to that. What should I do? How should I respond?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Terri,

First of all, my gf is 55 (I am 49) and is as sexy and beautiful a woman as I have ever seen. I am sure you are the same so the things you are doing to boost your self esteem will be rewarded I am sure.

It is fairly common here on TAM to suggest that youdrive the split to force the WAS to come to acknowledge what they are losing. Sounds like Mr Terri is losing a lot. That means, get the lawyer, drive the terms and accept what happens.

I can say this with certainty, you taking control will keep you on the road to healing.

Good luck and maybe I will see you at the Palm Pavillion on Clearwater Beach.

Stretch


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Hey Stretch,

Thanks for the input. I know what you are saying is probably right. I'm just paralyzed by fear. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing and making things even worse. This whole thing has just sapped my confidence in myself and left me sounding like I'm an idiot for the most part. 
The stress is unbelievable. I start a new job on Monday and I have to put our poor dog to sleep tomorrow. She's very old. 
And with him continuing to call (again today) to ask for more money. OMG - I can't tell you how hard it is to keep it together when he does that. He's killing me financially because he needs money to live on, but we have a daughter I have to take care of. 
Anyway. Thank you for your insight. And believe me my head says your right but my heart won't listen. What a mess.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Stop giving him money and focus on you. He made this decision let him live with it. You have enough on your plate right now. Don't answer his calls. Although i am one to talk after last night but i know the times that i don't the stress is not there.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

The husband called again this afternoon to see how the dog was doing (BTW - the vet gave her a reprieve for a bit longer - she has cancer - 14 years old) but really wanted to know if I had put money in our bank account. Fortunately I have always had my own separate account so I had already moved all the money to that and left him a couple of hundred bucks or he probably would have gone through all our money. 
So anyway, I had put some money in that account for him (I know that's stupid but I just can't let him be broke even though I REALLY want him to be). I told him it was in the bank and told him about the dog and then he just keeps talking about this and that. Finally he says he knows I'm busy getting dinner ready and stuff so he won't keep me but wants to know if it's ok if he calls me tomorrow. I didn't know what to say to that so I just told him that was up to him. I hate this dance.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

terrijw said:


> The husband called again this afternoon to see how the dog was doing (BTW - the vet gave her a reprieve for a bit longer - she has cancer - 14 years old) but really wanted to know if I had put money in our bank account. Fortunately I have always had my own separate account so I had already moved all the money to that and left him a couple of hundred bucks or he probably would have gone through all our money.
> So anyway, I had put some money in that account for him (I know that's stupid but I just can't let him be broke even though I REALLY want him to be). I told him it was in the bank and told him about the dog and then he just keeps talking about this and that. Finally he says he knows I'm busy getting dinner ready and stuff so he won't keep me but wants to know if it's ok if he calls me tomorrow. I didn't know what to say to that so I just told him that was up to him. I hate this dance.


Then stop dancing. He's going to continue playing games until you stop playing with him or he finds another playmate. Your choice is whether you want to continue. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Well, I have made a decision today. After yet another phone call saying I didn't give him enough money and he has to stay in a crappy motel I have decided that I am no longer going to try and get him back. No more reading books and searching the internet on how to go though all this. I'm just going to work on the things I know I can control, which is me, and go on with my life. It's painful, and scary, and the saddest thing ever. But since he doesn't seem to want to compromise on anything (he could have a free place to stay with our adult children) and doesn't care that he is draining the bank account then I guess it's just time I move on. I'm calling a lawyer next week to set up a consultation and get the ball rolling so I can secure monies for our daughter. I just don't trust him anymore. I can't believe how different he is.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You made the right decision about filing for divorce. Tell him to sell the truck and get something cheaper to drive if he needs money. He is no longer your responsibility. Take care of yourself and your daughter, he can take care of himself. 

Read about the 180 and implement it - don't talk to him about anything except the children and finances. He is not your problem any longer, he fired you from that job! Good luck to you!!


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

And tell him you think it's best he doesn't call anymore. 

If he has a question about finances he can email you. 

If he has a question about the kids he can call them himself. 

Don't be his crutch.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I have been down this road for the past five years. Please trust me when I say to you just leave him alone. Don't call, text, 
E-mail........DO NOTHING !!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What is your state formula for child support and spousal support? 

I suspect there is another woman since rarely do people suddenly declare the desire for a divorce. When he did that, he was probably being egged on by the OW. His more recent back-pedaling is reality hitting him in the face. 

I actually think if you take complete control and talk to a lawyer and file, he'll ask to come home.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

terrijw, and Thjor-I think we should start a club. Sounds like we are all in very similar circumstances. We can all 180 our way through this together!


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I'm game!!!!!!!!!!


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Me Too!!!!!


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Progress: I haven't cried today. I haven't done much else. Did take a nice long nap. Didn't realize how tired I was. 
Our older kids gave me a call today. It seems they have each called their dad several times and he hasn't picked up or returned their calls. Our youngest who is only says he texts her once in a while. But he hasn't made any attempts to see her. I'm very surprised at this behavior. I wouldn't be able to go a day without seeing her. And I always answer the kids calls just to make sure they are ok. He used to. But I guess that doesn't even matter to him anymore. 
I forgot to tell you that the one time he called I did apologize for the problems that were in our marriage. The things I knew I was responsible for. Not to get him back. Just to let him know that I had been awakened and that I wasn't blaming everything on him. You know, he said thanks and that he appreciated that and never told me he was sorry for anything he had done that led to this. HAHAHA I'm such a dumb ass.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Hope today has been a day of progress, too. I can already see that it's the little victories that will get us through. A tearless day is a definite win. As is taking responsibly for what you need to. What he does with that or owns up to himself is his choice. You know that you did what you felt was right. THAT'S what matters.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He's too ashamed to face your kids.

There is someone else.

Do encourage him to contact the children regardless of what he is feeling. He is their father and he has responsibilities that don't end with the marriage. But if he intends to cut them out of his life, he should tell them so they can stop trying to contact _him_ and get into counseling to deal with their father's abandonment.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I got a phone call from him this morning. He wanted to come over to talk about the finances and see our daughter. He gave me no problems with the money that I asked for which I really thought would be a big deal. He said he wants to try the separation and counseling. I didn't bring it up, he did. He said he has a doctors appointment the week after next. He also said that nothing is making him happy. He said I could date if I wanted to but he didn't want to know about it and he wasn't seeing anyone nor was he interested in doing that. (I brought up none of this). He stayed for the day, had lunch together with our daughter. He said he wants to keep in touch everyday. He said he wants to go out on dates to get to know each other again. When he was getting ready to leave he asked if he could hug me. He gave me a big hug and a kiss. It was so hard when he left. Again. 
I'm not getting my hopes up because I know this could just be his guilt getting to him so he feels he needs to say these things to make me feel better. But on the other hand I am worried about him. He wants to transfer to another location at his job. He loves his job and the location. (The location isn't farther away) For him to talk about his job the way he did today was very off. He told me about going out with the guys the other night for a drink after work and he said he didn't stay over 20 minutes and went back to the hotel. He said he can't sleep or eat and he stays up most of the night just staring at the tv. 
It's all so confusing and of course now I'm worried about him. No matter what happens between us I still love him and want him to be well and find happiness. I just don't know what to do.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Sounds like you and i had similar weekends. I am trying not to get my hopes up because things have been going well. Had to break the NC rule this weekend because both the washing machine and the bathroom sink decided to have issues this weekend and i tried to fix it by myself but no luck. He was really great and it was like old times with no tension. I could tell he felt the same too. But i have to stick to my guns. 

I don't see a problem with trying 1 date and seeing how it goes. But don't go in expecting anything. That way if it does not work it, then you can move on very easily. I am a lot like you and still have hope for my marriage but until that time comes that he decids to come back or not i must move on. And it may be too late by the time he figures it out. Please be careful, go in with no expectations, keep it short and be the first one to leave. That way it is on your terms. I think most people might disagree with me on this but what can i say, not all separations have to end in divorce. I am a sucker.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Thank you Thjor. You have definitely been someone I feel I can relate to. I appreciate your input very much. I know many people have given their input and I appreciate it also. It has helped in many ways. And I am taking the advice of looking after myself and moving forward in that way. But I am like you. I don't want to give up all hope just yet. I know it may not work out in the end but I think for me there is no way I can just quit and move on at this point. I am hoping (even though I shouldn't) for the both of us to make it through this first and foremost as unscarred as possible. And secondly, for it to end up the way both of us want, with our families together again.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I am here for you anytime!!!!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Everything I am about to write is based on my belief that he is cheating. He is following the script.

I suspect the OW is at his job. 

So, encourage him to take this new position "if it will make [him] happy." 

Do you know anyone he works with? Recon. You are listening to what he is saying but you should not trust it.

The parts of the script that he is following:

Going straight to divorce. 
Moving out quickly
Staying with relatives.
Moving to a hotel. 
Extreme guilt:
- Avoiding the kids. 
- Not giving you a hard time about the $$. 
Reality hits.
Waffling. 
Wanting to "try" counseling. 
Trying to make you feel sorry for him.
Waily, waily, waily.

Telling you that it is OK if you date is a way for him to assuage guilt. If you date, it'll come back to bite you. Don't do it. I know you don't want to anyway.

He's doing "last ditch" efforts to try to "save" the marriage because of the guilt. 

Possibilities:

- It is either that he wants to be able to tell everyone that he tried, he really tried, to save the marriage. He went to counseling. Wanted to set up dates with you. Try to find the connection... But it just didn't work. 

I don't think it is that. Just a gut feeling.

- The OW dumped him. More likely. 

She may very well be married. 

Call him late at night. See what he's really doing. Stop by even.

Do NOT get your hopes up about dating him and touching base every day. 

*Tell him to get his arse home if he wants to save the marriage.* Don't be his Plan B. 

Honestly, I would refuse to date him. Hard line: Come home. Work on the marriage. 

Warning: If she dumped him, he could be grieving for a long time. Since he can't share it with you, it will make reconciliation much, much more difficult. When you seek a counselor, make sure that counselor knows about infidelity and also takes a hard line against it. 

Seriously -- tell him to come home immediately if he truly wants to work on the marriage. Anything else seems like an insincere gesture that benefits only him and keeps you in turmoil and pain.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is there anyone from CWI that could give me a reality check about my thinking on this? Am I totally off base?


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Finally I'm getting into counseling on Friday. I made this appointment for me. The husband wasn't too happy about that but I don't care. I need this for me right now. I know he's showing all the fluff I still don't trust him. So I'm going to get me straight before I worry about us right now. I know, complete change from the last post, but I had time to think. And after thinking it through and about some of the things he said it could very well be that he is playing me. So I'm taking care of getting myself square first. I really don't like this feeling of having absolutely no say in anything that has to do with our marriage. And it's starting to piss me off. I'm having a really hard time digesting this right now. Tonight I'm just kind of pissed off. He goes on his merry little way with no responsibilities and expects me to keep it together. No crying, no arguing, learn to get to know each other (pretend like we never knew each other - his words) when we date. What an idiot. How am I supposed to do that. I've known the dumb ass for over 31 years! And that could really be dangerous to do - because right now if I forget about our past and the life we made I just might be the one to tell him to hit the road. Because right now I don't like him at all!
I sure hope that he is having some mental break because if he is just playing me the gloves will come off and in a big hurry. I'm trying really hard to get a grip and be understanding and all that crap. But it's really hard when the kids are crying to me everyday and the house needs cleaned, laundry done, bills paid, etc and he has his butt laid up in some motel room watching tv. Must be nice. Oh well. I feel a little better getting that off my chest. Just wish I could say it to him. 
Oh, and then, get this, he texts me today to let me know he called our daughter to check on her while I was at work. Oh how nice of him. And wasn't that nice that he felt the need to let me know. If he cared he wouldn't be living an hour and a half away from his daughter. That's his choice. Really, I'm beginning to wonder why I'm even trying.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Read clipclop's post until it sinks in because I think he has nailed it. Go see an attorney, file for divorce & have him served at work. You will then know if he really wants to work on the marriage or not. He's doing nothing but stringing you along. Don't be a doormat or his plan B. You and your kids deserve better!!


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Yeah, I'm getting there. Just went through the mail and got a letter from Sprint that he changed all the log ins and passwords for the cell phones so I can't get in there. I was pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I texted him why he did that and he said he didn't have that info and they automatically change it when you call. Bull****. Then I said he could have asked me for it and he said and I quote"I know but I didn't want to push" WHAT THE ????? OMG I am so mad right now I can't even think. Getting new cell phones for me and my daughter tomorrow and he can go screw himself. He must really hate me to be doing all this crap. How could I not see it?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

He doesn't want you to see the cell phone records. Wonder why?


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

EXACTLY!!! I know why. At least he has helped me to move forward without even knowing it.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Did he give you the password to the account? 

I loved your angry post. I think you should tell him the part about you not liking him at all now. That might put it into perspective for him. He wants to forget the past because that skirts what he has done.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

So he didn't give it to you? He was too cheap to use the hotel land line. Get into that account and you have your first bit of evidence.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Did you schedule an appointment with an attorney today?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Thinking about it, there is probably a clue in an older bill, too. Do you have hardcopy of them? 

You can tell him you need the bills for your accountant. Cell phones can do a lot to transfer and spend money.

So who does he know that is closer to 1.5 hours away from you? How far is his hotel from work? What was his commute to work from home? Where he is might give you an idea of who she might be. 

Have you googled him and all known email addresses or handles used? Even if he didn't post something she might have.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

terrijw said:


> Yeah, I'm getting there. Just went through the mail and got a letter from Sprint that he changed all the log ins and passwords for the cell phones so I can't get in there. I was pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I texted him why he did that and he said he didn't have that info and they automatically change it when you call. Bull****. Then I said he could have asked me for it and he said and I quote"I know but I didn't want to push" WHAT THE ????? OMG I am so mad right now I can't even think. Getting new cell phones for me and my daughter tomorrow and he can go screw himself. He must really hate me to be doing all this crap. How could I not see it?


He doesn't hate you Terri. 

Really, think about it.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

terrijw said:


> Finally I'm getting into counseling on Friday. I made this appointment for me. The husband wasn't too happy about that but I don't care. I need this for me right now. I know he's showing all the fluff I still don't trust him. So I'm going to get me straight before I worry about us right now. I know, complete change from the last post, but I had time to think. And after thinking it through and about some of the things he said it could very well be that he is playing me. So I'm taking care of getting myself square first. I really don't like this feeling of having absolutely no say in anything that has to do with our marriage. And it's starting to piss me off. I'm having a really hard time digesting this right now. Tonight I'm just kind of pissed off. He goes on his merry little way with no responsibilities and expects me to keep it together. No crying, no arguing, learn to get to know each other (pretend like we never knew each other - his words) when we date. What an idiot. How am I supposed to do that. I've known the dumb ass for over 31 years! And that could really be dangerous to do - because right now if I forget about our past and the life we made I just might be the one to tell him to hit the road. Because right now I don't like him at all!
> I sure hope that he is having some mental break because if he is just playing me the gloves will come off and in a big hurry. I'm trying really hard to get a grip and be understanding and all that crap. But it's really hard when the kids are crying to me everyday and the house needs cleaned, laundry done, bills paid, etc and he has his butt laid up in some motel room watching tv. Must be nice. Oh well. I feel a little better getting that off my chest. Just wish I could say it to him.
> Oh, and then, get this, he texts me today to let me know he called our daughter to check on her while I was at work. Oh how nice of him. And wasn't that nice that he felt the need to let me know. If he cared he wouldn't be living an hour and a half away from his daughter. That's his choice. Really, I'm beginning to wonder why I'm even trying.


Use this anger constructively. Steele your resolve to do what's right for you and your children. 

Don't trust a word he says. Watch his actions. They speaking loud and clear.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Hi Everyone. Just want to thank you all for your support. It really helps me.

I haven't gotten the lawyer yet, had to work late so didn't get home in time. But I am off on Thursday so I will call to set up an appointment. 
He never gave me the log in or anything for the cell phones. Hasn't called me since I asked for it. I understand the feelings of finding out about the bills, but honestly at this point, I really don't care. If there is someone else she can have him. I know it hasn't been that long since he left and maybe it seems like I have just given up my marriage too easily, and in some ways I do feel that I have. But I just can't keep going through this anymore. I'm waving the white flag. It's not healthy for me or my family to keep going through this. 
If his actions had backed up his words about trying to work through this I would be all in. But they don't. And there's a part of me the feels kind of better having some control now, by being able to make a decision about this for myself. It's still hard and hurts like hell, but at least I can now put a period on it and move on.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Be prepared for him to do more trying to make you think there is hope. Cake eaters like cake. If he sees you moving on in a serious and professional business like way he will probably try harder to rope you back in.

Knowing if there is someone else can impact how you proceed with the divorce. It affects psychology.

If you really don't want him back then go for the jugular and let him suffer the consequences of his actions.

If you change your mind, you have to expose the affair to have a prayer. I really think you should put on your detective hat so you can decide.

He really sucks.

I would make him give me the password or call up Sprint myself. Can you create another account using your phone number?


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Well, the husband called tonight. He texted me several times but I didn't respond. Then he called the house, I didn't answer. Then he texted our daughter so I called him back. He wanted to know how I was doing and I said I was good. He asked a few other things but I responded with a yes or no answer only. So he finally got off the phone. I didn't ask him about the cell phone and I don't care about it anymore. That feels really good. If I don't care about it it can't hurt me. 
I'm still struggling with the loss but at least I have it to a point where I can sort of handle it. I've got the crying under control and I'm working on the sleeping and eating. I'm hoping counseling will help me keep taking steps forward. 
I was letting my emotions just run crazy and therefore everything he said and did was so painful I could barely stand it. Having a little bit under control helps with that. 
It is a little scary in some ways though. Because I'm starting to feel that even if he decides he wants to come back that I may not want that. Not because I don't love him, but because I don't trust him anymore. I don't know after all that we are all going through if I would want to take the chance that he would do this again.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

We made an agreement on support for our daughter and me until I get find a full time job again. I took that money out of the bank this morning and then I get a text from him asking me to put some of it back because he just doesn't have enough money. Really. It's just unbelievable.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

terrijw said:


> It is a little scary in some ways though. Because I'm starting to feel that even if he decides he wants to come back that I may not want that. Not because I don't love him, but because I don't trust him anymore.


It is scary. But aren't you starting to realize that you deserved better? What has he done to deserve you?


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I did my first session of counseling. That was hard, but I think I will learn a lot about myself. We have counseling together next week. I called my husband to be sure he still wanted to go and he said yes he did and that he would take the day off from work to go. He also said he would like to come over Sunday and take me out to lunch. The therapist told me not to cut him out right now. She said I have a lot of issues from my past that I have brought into this marriage and I have a lot to work on. She also believes my husband has done the same. We both come from alcoholic families and my husband is an alcoholic who finally quit drinking but never got help for that. She believes that since he is not keeping close ties with the kids and work isn't making him happy that he has just closed off everyone. She said the fact that he does call me and when he does see me that he wants to hug me is a good sign. She says she believes his feelings are still there but possibly he doesn't feel good about himself and feels it's better that he isn't with us. She'll know more next week and it's no promise that things will work out but she said she does believe there is hope for us if we both work hard and are all in. So, that's where I'm at for right now. It was very intense and so much more to it than I have written, but she's a pretty straight shooter and certainly didn't kiss my butt so that works for me. I will keep you posted on how things are going. This is scary knowing that this could also end my marriage, but I guess it's already on that road anyway.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Good for you, Terri. Sounds like wherever this goes, you are on the right track.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm not so sure about the therapist. Be careful.

I would ask him not to contact your daughter just because you dint respond to him. Nobody is obligated to pick up the phone or text back immediately or ever.

What are your state laws on child support? It's your deal better than the formula? I forget how long you have been married but if it is over ten years you could get excellent spousal. When you get a job you can decide not to accept it any longer or he can go back to all our be amended but I know I wouldn't negotiate away money just to be " fair". If you take good care of that money it will be there for your daughter. Or you can as I said, go back and change the agreement.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I have a part-time job right now, just looking for full-time. 29 years of marriage. And he agreed to 600.00 per week. Which is about 1/2 his net pay after insurance, taxes and 401k and stocks. So for right now I'm fine with that amount. It will cover the mortgage, my car, elec, etc. And then I still have my income. 
I understand being careful about the therapist. But really, it's already as bad as it can be. If he still wants to divorce after therapy I really haven't lost anything. Our insurance pays for it so it's no cash out of my pocket. And since she told me up front that her goal is to try and help make the marriage better and that she has a very good success rate for couples who are willing to do the work I figure it's my best chance. If nothing else we can get our own **** straight so we don't carry our problems into any future relationships.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How much is in his 401K? And what is the wording on the agreement? Make sure it didn't end up coming out in part of your end in the actual divorce settlement. 

My concern about the therapist is that she isn't wise to the way he is manipulating you. I dint think she knows anything about cake eaters. If she doesn't view his behavior with the right skepticism this will play right into the "I tried" bull and make it look like your fault, which a cake eater will um... eat up and use as a reason not to treat you fairly.

If he won't be 100% transparent and she doesn't hold his feet to the fire you will lose. 

So how does she quantify that success? How many were actually willing to do the work out of how many? How many couples who left therapy still together went on to divorce afterward? She almost certainly does not know.

Also, is she married and has she ever dealt with infidelity personally or enough to understand "the script"? 

Since you only get one shot at this interview some other therapists before you settle on her. This is just too important to leave to chance.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Listen to clipclop2....our MC was "shocked" when wife pulled the plug for good. Hello? Weren't you listening?????


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## jj-page (Sep 23, 2012)

I am not a trained therapist but I can share my opinion and my experiences. We are about the same age. I don’t know how to explain myself in 4 paragraphs; I wish that I had that talent. So forgive the overload of verbiage. 

I was married for 26 years and for the last 4 years; our marriage was at its nadir. During those last 4 years we both really never appreciated each other and took the time to say, “Thank you”. And like your case resentment just built up over the years. I think most marriages go through this but really only the strong ones survive. 

I think you are doing the right thing, getting a therapist. I did the same thing. When my wife wanted to separate I wanted MC but she said NO and told me I need therapy. 

At least your husband wants MC!! That is a good sign for the most part.

In my case my wife told me I was too controlling!!! I was to blame. She needed space!! 
I did all the cooking, grocery shopping, and fixing things around the house while she was responsible for the bills but she resented that as well. I am the one that made her go back to work; she hates her job because of me. 

I asked her if she was seeing another man or interested in someone else. She responded with, “No I am not, and when do you think I have time for that? I am busy at work”. She blamed me for her going back to work… that is part of the resentment. 

She told me that I watched her become depressed and didn’t throw her a lifeline!!! Was this true? Of course not and gave her many examples but she would not acknowledge them. My wife was also premenopausal and suffered from depression. I think this was the catalyst that started her midlife crisis. But I did try to help her many times.

You mentioned that your husbandly recently had a loss. I read articles that when parents pass away it can cause a mid-life crisis. I actually went through one, but luckily I didn’t do something stupid!! So I know what it feels like. 

About 12 days after tell me she wanted to separate she told me she was going to file for divorce. She wanted the divorce to be done in 60 days!! The reason? I was unbearable to live with and I needed to leave or she would fight me to the end!! Was I unbearable to live with? No but in her mind yes but it was for a reason. Let me continue. I then asked her again, “Are you interested in another man”. She responded back with, “No I am not!!! I am divorcing you because you are so controlling and you do not trust me. I am not having an affair!!!”

I would not leave the house and she suddenly changed her tune. She was going to move out. She said to me, “You know by asking you to move out seems unreasonable and maybe I am just being selfish. Since you really enjoy the house, I thought I would let you stay her and I will move out”. 

She wanted me to pay for moving expenses and I said, “we will see”. My lawyer told me if she moves out, it is on her dime!! You did not kick her out she wants to leave My intuition was really ringing loud and something told me don’t trust her she is up to something and a strong sense to do investigation prevailed.

A few days later, I overheard her talking to a man. It was her High School boyfriend from 27 years ago… her first love. My friends told me told me, move on.. Forget her.. blah blah blah blah but my intuition just was too strong. That is when I hit the jackpot and found emails, video and pictures and all acquired legally. She was in contact with him for the past 4 months and was purposely hiding it from me. * Rely on your intuition.*

Her HS boyfriend was married for about the same time we were and he had 4 children. His marriage was in bad shape as he cheated on his wife 8 years previous and had not worked in 5 years and binging drinking often to fight off depression. While he was binge drinking and feeling depressed he then contacted my wife on Facebook and asked her for forgiveness as he thought he hurt his girlfriend 27 years ago (my wife). He ended up leaving his wife and children and moved to the United States and started a relationship with my wife!!! He flew down here and I ended up hiring a PI. Long, Long story but it is good. I need to write a book!!

So where am I going? *Don’t let your guard down be on point. Ears perked!!!
*
Make sure you husband’s words match his actions. Be very attentive on what he tells you? So with that all in mind and now look at my story you will see things revealed. For example why you need to heed his actions and watch for clues.

My wife said, “I need my space”. She was doing something behind my back and there was a few times where she almost got caught. I kept text her, asking her where she was and was suspicious. She was also going to her local Starbucks and Skyping her AP. Meanwhile she was convincing me by saying, “I am not doing any bad, I am just trying to chill out”


My wife said I was the blame. Hey I was no angel but I was willing to work on our relationship and get the proper MC. The reason she was blaming me, was due to the fact she wanted to justify and rationalize what she was doing. 


Why did she want to kick me out of the house and then change her mind? Because her AP was arriving in 2 weeks and by blaming me, I would feel bad and would move out on my own. But, I did not move out and time was running out and she had to find her apartment and another for him (she did this behind my back). Then she did her 180-degree change of heart by saying, “you know by asking you to move out seems unreasonable and maybe I am just selfish”. She had no bloody choice!!! 

Was she pissed off because I accused her of having an affair? YES, because she was not having an affair “at the time”. But all of us know she was having a full-blown emotional affair followed shortly by a physical affair and I was kept in the dark. 


I even ended up recording our conversations because it is legal in my State but I did it for a reason. 

Many months later as our divorce date was near we had a heart to heart chat. Sort of opened up. I told her that I felt betrayed because I asked her if she was having an affair and she denied several times. She responded with, “ You never asked me that, as I would have told you the truth”. Then she accused me of being a lawyer, taking something that she said and twisting it around to benefit me. Then I played her the recording and her mouth dropped. There are many more examples. You see, she was very manipulative and could lie very well. Be careful.

But I know your emotions are all over the place, but just try to step back, listen to what they say, take notes and read into every word. Try to take a step back and look at the big picture. The big picture for me was, “Could she actually be having an affair…. At the time I could not believe it”.

My WS (Wayward spouse) broke up with her AP due to his drinking problem and left the country and we talked about reconciliation. But she took no responsibly for her actions and was angry that I had all this evidence and told some people about what she did and could not face our friends or my relatives. She admitted that she was still in love with him. We decided to move ahead with divorce. She ended up getting back together with her AP and two months after our divorce he moved back to the U.S. and they were married. 


Now that you heard all of that let me comment on some of your thoughts (my experience only)

*You wrote, “She said the fact that he does call me and when he does see me that he wants to hug me is a good sign. She says she believes his feelings are still there but possibly he doesn't feel good about himself and feels it's better that he isn't with us.”*



During our separation stage my wife was nice to me as well. I actually thought she might now have a change of mind. After all I was going to therapy, respected her space, made dinner for her while she was out, took care of our son, helped her with problems at with her job, doing the finances and it appeared she had a change of heart. But when I look at that time frame and her emails, in reality she was just manipulating me. When I made her dinner and she came home late, she ended up Skyping her AP at Starbucks. Or leaving at 10am in the morning and coming home at 11pm as she was busy making a promiscuous video slide show for her AP while I was taking care of our son and even made her dinner when she got home late that *night!!. * So in reality she made her decision to leave me already as her AP was making arrangements to come to the U.S. She was being nice to manipulate me. 

*You wrote: And since she told me up front that her goal is to try and help make the marriage better and that she has a very good success rate for couples who are willing to do the work I figure it's my best chance. If nothing else we can get our own **** straight so we don't carry our problems into any future relationships.”*

I agree that couples can work things out but that changes if an affair is involved and much more complicated. But you have a great outlook. I have a new relationship and find myself repeating similar behavior like resentment. I want to learn from my failed marriage and improve. 


*You wrote: Yeah, I'm getting there. Just went through the mail and got a letter from Sprint that he changed all the log ins and passwords for the cell phones so I can't get in there. I was pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I texted him why he did that and he said he didn't have that info and they automatically change it when you call. Bull****. Then I said he could have asked me for it and he said and I quote"I know but I didn't want to push" WHAT THE ????? OMG I am so mad right now I can't even think. Getting new cell phones for me and my daughter tomorrow and he can go screw himself. He must really hate me to be doing all this crap. How could I not see it?
*


So here is my experience and again my opinion only. My WS did something similar. 
Before my wife asked for a separation I was getting suspicious. She would be out chilling with her friend and when I walk to spy on her, she was not with her friend but on her laptop. I was confused!!! I didn’t know she was Skyping her AP at the time. Actually her AP recommended that she go to a Starbucks to avoid traceability. So when I was texting her or calling her she was pissed off because she was talking to her AP. I became annoying to her!! I was controlling!!!

So when she returned home, I asked her how was her friend. She said she was doing fine. Red flag!!! Then I realized I had all her cell phone username and password and I could track her real time. So I told her that I was going to install some tracking software in case her phone got lost but that was my decoy. I knew she would uninstall it and then she thought she outsmarted me so she felt save to work in stealth but in reality I still had my back door. 

So I am not saying your husband is doing anything bad by changing the password, but he did it for a reason. When my WS told me that I needed to watch our son for 2 weeks while she went on a business trip, I knew what she was doing and I hired that PI. using her username and password I was tracking my WS real time and would feed the PI their location. So your husband may not want you to have access to certain things. In hindsight I should have not installed that tracking software as I had my backdoor already. Later she used that tracking software that I installed as evidence to her AP that I was controlling. 

She started locking her doors, so when she left her bedroom she now had a key lock on it and would lock it when she left the room. She worked from home, so when left her office she locked her door as well. That is a sure sign of secrecy, which is not good. Also she wanted to move out because she found it more difficult to operate in stealth. Didn't you say your husband moved out? What was his reason again? I am sorry but my cheater detector is going..

You wrote: Because I'm starting to feel that even if he decides he wants to come back that I may not want that. Not because I don't love him, but because I don't trust him anymore. I don't know after all that we are all going through if I would want to take the chance that he would do this again.



I could never trust my now Ex-wife ever again. Trust is easily broken and difficult and time consuming to fully restore. I don’t think my Ex-wife could ever trust me again. When I exposed her, she felt that I broke trust. I still don’t trust my Ex-wife. People don’t change!! 


My therapist has gotten many couples back together but she said in our case, it would be very difficult and she feels that me moving on is the best thing. She knew that we tried to reconcile and she told me it would not have worked because she is still in denial. She also said by her jumping into another marriage when the ink hasn’t even dried from her divorce was not a good idea. And him struggling with alcohol is not a good choice for a new spouse, as he never really got it taken care of professionally.

I hope my experience helped. Sorry for being so long winded....


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Jj, you shared an important story. Don't apologize. 

I'm sorry for how you were treated. Your future had to be brighter. I hope you are doing ok.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Thank you JJ for sharing your story. And thank everyone here for all their input. I know that you just have my best interests at heart. I am in so much need of that caring and I wish I could express how much it means to me. You will all probably be right in your advice and I will try to be careful through this process and keeps my eyes as open as I can.
He took me out to lunch today. It went as well as could be expected. He said it isn't that he doesn't want to come home, he is just not ready. He said he is afraid if he comes home before we have some therapy that we will just end up right back where we are right now. He believes we both need help and he said he is looking forward to therapy. He said if we were both willing to work hard at this that it might be the best thing for us ever. We might come out of it together and happier than we have been in a long time. So we will see. 
For me at least it's forward progress, whether the therapy helps to make us better people and stay together or if the worst happens and there is no chance for us. Being like this is killing me with all the unknowns. Getting it cleared up is what I need and I think he needs that, too. And if therapy can help us to do that then I'm all in no matter what the outcome. 
I've learned a lot about myself through this. And I'm sure I will learn more and I'm glad I did even though I wish I didn't have to learn it this way. I know I've said a lot about my husband being a jerk, and he is a lot of times, but so am I. I think in this case if my marriage doesn't make it I have realized it is as much my fault as his. 
So, anyway, therapy this Friday and take it one day at a time for right now.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What exactly does he contend is wrong with your marriage or you?

Also, why is the marriage all the sudden the problem when he blamed it onnothing making him happy anymore?

Seriously, he needs time because there is someone else. All him for complete transparency. See what he is willing to do about wanting to repair the marriage by showing you what he had been hiding.


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## jj-page (Sep 23, 2012)

One other point. I can remember back in 2003 I felt my wife did not support me. We moved to the U.S from another country and felt everything was on my shoulders with little or no support from her. And to be honest, I can be sarcastic sometimes especially when I am upset (a jerk). And my Ex-wife could be nasty as well!! 

But my point sometime in 2003, I was on my way home from work (leaving @ 8:30pm!!!) and rang her up. We got into a very heated argument on the phone and I thought.. I am done with this.... everything is on me!!! So I told her that I wanted to stay at a hotel for a few days and think about things. Well she suddenly started crying and begged me to come home and work things out. 

From my standpoint, I was NOT going to leave her and divorce was not on my mind but wanted some time alone with her because I didn't think she appreciated me. Perhaps your husband feels the same? Just a thought!


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Hey JJ,
Thanks for the input. I was also hoping some time away would help put us in a place where we could work things out. But this is more than a few days and unfortunately he cancelled going to the therapist today. Says he can't get off work and wants to reschedule. I gave him the number and told him he could call and make it whenever he wanted. I'm still going on Friday for me. 
I still don't know exactly why he left other than those words of I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce. I thought I would be more upset about his backing out of cancelling, and I am upset and sad, but I'm dealing with it better than I thought I would be able to. I kind of thought he would cancel. I kind of believe he is just blowing smoke for whatever reasons, but I guess I'm just holding on to the little bit of hope that is left inside me. 
I feel so bad for people going through this. It's just horrible. You don't know anymore what's right or wrong, if it's me or him that's at fault, if there's a chance or if there isn't. I'm afraid of doing something wrong in case there is a chance. You all know what I mean. My anger says kick him to the curb but my heart won't let me. What a mess.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it's tough. There's no doubt about that. But at the end of the day we only can depend on ourselves. So focus more on you and less on him. Because he's going to do what benefits him. You do what benefits you.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

You can only control you so try to focus on what you can go to get yourself into a better place emotionally & mentally and then no matter what happens you'll be ready and able to deal with it.

I know it's tough, try to focus on one day at a time for now.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I made the appointment with the lawyer on the 20th. I think my question has been answered on if there is a chance.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

My appointment with my lawyer is tomorrow March 13. I guess we both got the answers.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Thjor,

I'm so sorry. I wish I could just give you a big hug. We will get through this.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Well, he called me this morning to let me know that he has been offered a transfer and that he is probably going to take it. Good for him. It hit me pretty hard because I realized that if he was hoping to put our marriage back together as he said then wouldn't he have talked to me about a transfer somewhere else and how it might affect our future if things work out? I can't believe this, honestly. I really just don't get how someone I loved for so long and trusted could turn out to be like this. Not caring about me is one thing, but to go farther away from his daughter, not contacting her regularly or seeing her? That just blows my mind. 
I can't believe I didn't see this coming. How could I have lived with a man that so obviously didn't want to be with me? I guess I just go around with blinders on. I sure hope counseling helps me to not only work on my failures but to be able to read people a little better than I have.
My brother said that he believes he has someone else and I need to move on. He made me laugh so much. He said I'm beautiful and smart and funny and it won't take but a second to find a guy who is interested. And he said then he would come running back and then I could kick him to the curb. HAHAHAHA 
He said he's bringing a buddy and their Harley's down and we are going to Daytona for a long weekend to party and have fun. So that will be fun and I know he will share all photos with the husband. HAHAHAHA At least I have something to look forward to.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Well, just a funny thing. After my husband left I was feeling kind of low as you all know and a bit self conscious, so I went down to the eye doctor to trade my glasses for contacts and I've been having some issues getting the darn things in and out. I was off today so after I finished mowing the lawn I took some time to get the contacts in and FINALLY accomplished it. Took a shower and fixed myself all up (just in case I got the energy to go do something) and liked how it all turned out so I took my first "selfie". 
Anyway, just because I am such a dumb ass when I got my contacts in I was so happy I texted the husband to let him know. He texted me back and then a couple of hours later he texted me again. I didn't answer right away because I was on the phone with someone, but I texted him back a couple of hours later - he was wanting to know how I was making out with the contacts. So I told him they were great and he asked a few more questions and I COULDN"T HELP MYSELF - I sent him my selfie without the glasses. It did turn out pretty good. We texted back and forth for over an hour. He told me 3 times how pretty I was and wanted to know where photo was taken. Dumb Ass - the photo was taken in our bedroom. LOL 
Then he told me he had made his appt. with the therapist, and he was coming over Sunday if he wasn't on call or Monday if I didn't mind. I know it's all a bunch of b.s. but it did feel good for him to feel a bit put off for just a minute. I'm sure tomorrow I will be chastised by the therapist for my behavior, but I don't care. If I could have found a cute guy to shove in that picture with me I would have and then sent it to him. I know, it's wrong, but I really don't care right now. I hope his girlfriend sees it on his phone and *****es at him all night. LOL


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Stop engaging him. I thought you were going to implement the 180? He is only talking with you to ease his own conscience and to make himself feel better. He is NOT doing it for your benefit. DETACH!


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I understand what you are saying. But, I'm actually glad that I didn't employ that method. I'm learning more by being in touch when he calls (I don't call him first) or texting than I would by not letting him keep in touch.
I'm learning this is not the person I thought. I'm learning that I don't really like this person and if this is the new him he can stay gone. If this is some kind of crisis he is going through and he can come out on the other side and be somewhat the person I used to know, then cool. If he stays the crazy person he is now, I'm glad I know that. Cause I don't want that person at all. 
I'm going to continue counseling for me and for us and hope that it helps figure this out one way or the other.
But really, if this is the new him, I'm glad I'm finding out now instead of him coming back home and then realizing what I let in the door. I'm actually starting to handle this separation thing better than he is, I think. And I actually might stop talking to him completely just because he's annoying me. Wanting to know everywhere I've been, (yep, been getting out of the house for some fun times) stealing my phone out of my person to see who is texting me, etc. He may get his divorce quicker than he thought it would happen. 
Not everyone is the same, and for me not doing that 180 thing is better for me. I don't like games, and I don't want some fake husband who I have to lure back to me or make miss me. Screw that. It feels really good to be in control of myself right now and he can live with the consequences to his choices just like I have to.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Whoa! He's taking your phone to look at it? what did you say to him when he get that? I know I would slap his hand so hard and I told him never to take it again. And then I would put a passcode on it. none of his damn business. And I'll tell you what he is behaving exactly like someone who is cheating.

I'm sure on some level you like his attention even if it is in a negative way. be very careful that you are not actually fooling yourself that this contact is helping you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Trust me, I am not liking this kind of attention. As I stated in my last post, his true colors are coming out and I'm not liking them. I have put a passcode on my phone and taken away his keys to the house and my car. 
I am working hard to move forward and that is for me, not him. I am still grieving for the husband I lost, the person I thought he was, but that's all. I am trying to build my own life and right now it doesn't include him. I go where I want, do what I want, raise our daughter the way I want and I don't have to answer to anyone. It's kind of nice. 
I don't know if he's playing games or not and right now I really don't care what he's doing. I'm not worried about it. It took a while, but I can go on without him so whether this works out or not I know I can get through it. It might be painful but that knowledge gives me some of my own power back and confidence which was sorely lacking when this first happened. 
I will be careful and not get pulled into anything. Been down that road, not going there again.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

you just put a big smile on my face. you have things well in hand. I am super duper glad to hear that you are enjoying your new found freedom
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Good Luck, you sound like you are in control


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I am getting there.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I had my consultation with the lawyer this morning. We went over everything financial and what my rights are. Because before October I was the major bread winner we might have a bit of a problem with the alimony, but she thinks we can work through that since we weren't separated at the time I quit that job and my earnings are quite a bit less now. She also wanted to know the background of what had happened. She said she thinks he's crazy and will regret this decision. She also said she wished she could be at the therapy session tomorrow to see what he says. 
He texted me this morning to make sure we are still good for tomorrow and to see where I had been this morning. I just told him I went to the doctor for a check up (don't want him to know I went to lawyer) and then got a ton of questions regarding that, to which I didn't answer him. I took my 1200.00 out of the bank this morning from his pay and he texted me that they screwed up his pay (actually he said he screwed it up putting in his time) and that wouldn't leave him much money. He was pissed. So I just sweetly told him I would put the money back and he could just send me what he could afford. (Like I was really going to do that HA). Then he called and said not to do that. We would talk about it tomorrow. Maybe he could get his pay squared away by then. I really don't care now. The lawyer said if we could get him to sign an agreement to the amount we have now then it would be him that would have to pay to go to court to get it changed. So I'm just being nice until I can wrap this money crap up. 
I'm trying to get the most for my daughter and when I find another job that is in my pay range then he can take his alimony and shove it. I will be free completely of him then and I really can't wait. 
The attorney did advice me not to go after the divorce just yet, just to get the support orders in place. She told me she would really like to see some therapy done because she feels this could possibly be affects from his stroke and that although she wants me to move on, she wants me to be able to do so with a clear conscience that this is not a medical issue. She says she can see that I'm already trying to move on and she's glad about that, and that I should do what I want and I don't have to answer to him. 
I am feeling stronger every day. I'm learning to deal with my own issues (my controlling behavior, having to have results to everything right away, always trying to prove I'm good enough, the list goes on) which will make me happier with myself and a better mom. I'm really looking forward to that. Learning to deal with my insecurities and be happy with who I am will be really great.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is she a lawyer or a therapist? Seems to me she should stick to legal advice.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Couple's counseling was today. What fun. The counselor started off after she had talked to him for a bit to let him know our 2 sessions that she and I had were a pleasant surprise to her. She explained how most people come in and start in on the other spouse and how I did not do that. I only talked about myself and what I thought were the behaviors of mine that had played a part in this separation. He obviously took that to mean it was time to nail on me instead of being responsible for any of his actions. Although he did say he is sure he played a part he never said what that part was, just what my part was. Actually it was pretty funny. Sad, but funny. The therapist just went with it so I kind of got a good smacking down. 
She asked if next week we wanted to do another session together, but I said no. I'm fine with the individual. Guess who wasn't so hot on that. Too bad for him. He can get all his hatred of me out to her by himself. I can take a break from the ass kicking for a week or two. 
But, I'm glad to know that his interest in repairing the marriage is not what this is about. He still doesn't want to come home. Told the therapist that if he did he would just do whatever I wanted, as usual, and then he'd just move out again. She told him that's what we are here to do is to work on those behaviors. I need to learn how to deal with my anger and controlling behavior and he needs to be more assertive. At the point he said he is who he is and he isn't going to change. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That said a lot right there. So anyway, at least I know now divorce is the way that this is headed and can finish my prep on that.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Tonight's a rough night. I don't know why, but it is. Tomorrow will be harder because my daughter is going to her friends house for the night. Tomorrow will be my first night totally alone. I have plans for the day to keep busy, but I'm dreading coming home. 
I think it's all just catching up to me. His transfer, he's getting an apartment, therapy, etc. I'm trying to stay strong and focused on me and my daughter and some days I'm doing pretty ok. I guess I get so disappointed when I slip back into my pity party. Sometimes it feels like I get so far ahead and then I fall into a deep hole and have to climb out of it all over again. 
These feelings that fly all over whenever they want really need to stop so I can get on with a normal life. My mind is so ready to move on but my heart just won't let go yet. It's so frustrating.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I think the emotnial roller coaster is very normal and part of the process. Can you plan ahead for tonight? Maybe curl up with a favorite feel good movie? Go do a heavy workout or yoga session somewhere? Have a late dinner with a friend? 

Be well. It will be okay.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I spent the day with my oldest daughter and my granddaughter. I think tonight I'll just go to bed early and get some sleep. 
My oldest daughter said she talked to her Dad last night finally. She said she told him she is happy that we are trying therapy. He told her he didn't mind it, but it is for me not him. He doesn't need therapy. He feels he hasn't done anything to contribute to our problems. Wow. I guess that says a lot. That hurt a lot. I have an appointment again Friday with the therapist, so I'm not going to do anything rash until then. But I am going to question her about her feel for his being there and if she feels that he isn't feeling all this then I'm just going to end things right away so I can move on completely. I've been laying myself open to all my negative behaviors and taking full responsibility for them. For him to lay everything at my feet is not right. This marriage didn't unravel just because of me. I contributed for sure, but at least I will see it and admit to it.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Well, what a crappy weekend. I had an appointment for our poor dog to be put down on Wednesday. Unfortunately at 1:30 this morning she had complications. I needed help with her and I called my husband. He picked up right away even though I woke him and came over right away. He sent me to bed to get some sleep and stayed up with our dog until he could call the vet at 8. He went with me and made all arrangements. I couldn't. He even bought an urn for her (She was 14 and a big part of our lives) which is very unusual for him. He likes dogs but he would never buy an urn for one. Would bury it in the backyard. He stayed with me for a while when he brought me home. Just got in bed with me and held me for a while and told me to try and sleep a bit. 
It was very kind of him and I appreciated it. So even though we are going through this horrible mess I was relieved to know that there is still a small part of my husband in there and hopefully, whether we get back together or not, he will find that part of himself again. 
He even told me he is looking forward to therapy on Friday and he would like to take our daughter out for the day when he is done. She will be so happy. There is still a lot of anger in him, I can see it. But it's a little better than it was. So maybe this distance and therapy are helping him through. Maybe being able to vent in therapy is helping him. I know it may not help put us back together but if he can forgive and let go of the anger that will at least be something good.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

terrijw said:


> Well, what a crappy weekend. I had an appointment for our poor dog to be put down on Wednesday. Unfortunately at 1:30 this morning she had complications. I needed help with her and I called my husband. He picked up right away even though I woke him and came over right away. He sent me to bed to get some sleep and stayed up with our dog until he could call the vet at 8. He went with me and made all arrangements. I couldn't. He even bought an urn for her (She was 14 and a big part of our lives) which is very unusual for him. He likes dogs but he would never buy an urn for one. Would bury it in the backyard. He stayed with me for a while when he brought me home. Just got in bed with me and held me for a while and told me to try and sleep a bit.
> It was very kind of him and I appreciated it. So even though we are going through this horrible mess I was relieved to know that there is still a small part of my husband in there and hopefully, whether we get back together or not, he will find that part of himself again.
> He even told me he is looking forward to therapy on Friday and he would like to take our daughter out for the day when he is done. She will be so happy. There is still a lot of anger in him, I can see it. But it's a little better than it was. So maybe this distance and therapy are helping him through. Maybe being able to vent in therapy is helping him. I know it may not help put us back together but if he can forgive and let go of the anger that will at least be something good.


Sorry to hear about your dog but at least you got some movement in the right direction from the other half....maybe NOT such a crappy weekend


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Well here he goes into crazy mode again. Our youngest daughter told me he called her today. That's good, but she told me he wanted her to come and spend a weekend with him ( he is staying in a one room dive motel) and she told him no. He couldn't understand why. Then he wanted to know if our other kids had stopped by because of the dog dying and she said her brother had and then she said he grilled her on what we were talking about. This is crazy. Our poor daughter.
I never ask her what she and her father talk about. I never put her in the middle. This is like the fourth time he has quizzed her about what goes on around here, who I talk to, what I do, what time I get home. Why would he do that to her? It's really starting to piss me off. Considering he only calls her once or twice a week if she's lucky. What an ass. 
He has not once done anything with her since he left. I asked her if she would feel differently spending the weekend with him when he moves into another place. She still said no. She said he could come here and they could do something together but she doesn't want to stay with him. How damn sad is that? He has pushed her away by not keeping in contact with her and he has no clue how much he is hurting this kid. I have never understood this behavior from people. I couldn't be away from my kids like this. My father did the same thing to me when I was 5 years old. Didn't see or hear from him again until I was 16. Left me with a alcoholic mom and started a new life. I thought this would never happen to my kids. Being abandoned because of your own agenda. 
I know I'm rambling but I need to vent. Right now I hate that jerk. It's one thing to hurt me, but to continue to hurt our kids is just not acceptable at all. They have done nothing. I can't believe I didn't see this person for who he really is. I can't believe I have wasted all this time on this ass. I wish I could tell him what I think of him, but one of us has to be sane for the kids. Just really surprised it's me. LOL Cause I want to rip his stupid face off and tell him what I think of him while I'm doing it in a really loud (screaming) voice. I want to do all the things he says piss him off about me. I don't want to be the good wife, I want to be the evil wife. It's really killing me not going off on him. I guess it will help when I go to bed tonight I will fantasize about doing all those things.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Terri, he doesnt sound like he has checked out of the marriage...maybe you have but it doesnt sound like he has


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Hey Kevin,

Thanks for the post. I do appreciate the opinion. I've read a bit of your story and I'm sorry for what you are going through. 
I get there are times that he seems like he hasn't checked out, but I truly believe it's just his guilt. As far as me checking out, yeah, you are right. That's the direction I'm going. It's not because I don't love him (not this person, but the person before)it's because I'm trying to save myself now. I know that sounds selfish, but he has given no clear indication of what direction he wants to go. I can't hang on to the "we'll give this a try but don't get your hopes up" garbage. I would probably feel different if he didn't hand me that all the time. But it seems he is just going through the motions and I'm just not into wasting my time on that. 
I want to be free of this pain and agony also and start living my life again. Unfortunately, I think I'm coming to the point where I truly believe that this fighting for my marriage is just not worth it anymore. Especially when I'm the only one all in.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Fair enough, I undestand and yes you do have to do whats best for you. I really hope it works out well for you either way.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

And guess who cancelled his counseling session for Friday - that's right. He calls me tonight to tell me he can't make it but will be over to see our daughter Sunday if she doesn't have plans. No problem. Then asks what I'm doing Sunday, and I told him I had no plans right now, but I'd find something to do so he could have time with our daughter and I wouldn't be around. He tells me he wants me to be with them. Really, what for? Can't he spend time with her without me around? 
Then he asks what I'm doing the rest of the weekend. And I tell him our daughter is going to the fair and I'm going to do some work at the fair for the company I work for. It's a charity thing. He was not happy about that. I really don't understand that. Why would that bother him? Does he think I should do nothing, just sit here and pine away for him? He for sure has some issues.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

And Kevin, I think I didn't communicate what I meant very well. I so appreciated the positive outlook that you were giving me. And I so want to take it to heart and even a tiny shred of hope would make me want to jump up and down. It's what I want more than anything in the world right now.
I'm just afraid to let that in, because I don't want to leave myself open for any more pain. That's why I post so much of these things where I'm trying to move past this. I feel if I put it out there and try and stick to it I will be able to get through this and move on. 
It's so complicated, but you know that probably better than I do at this point. 
So I just wanted to thank you and let you know that I do appreciate your opinion and want to hold onto it, I'm just afraid to. And that it's coming from a man, makes it even more appreciated. At least you made me smile a little.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

terrijw said:


> And Kevin, I think I didn't communicate what I meant very well. I so appreciated the positive outlook that you were giving me. And I so want to take it to heart and even a tiny shred of hope would make me want to jump up and down. It's what I want more than anything in the world right now.
> I'm just afraid to let that in, because I don't want to leave myself open for any more pain. That's why I post so much of these things where I'm trying to move past this. I feel if I put it out there and try and stick to it I will be able to get through this and move on.
> It's so complicated, but you know that probably better than I do at this point.
> So I just wanted to thank you and let you know that I do appreciate your opinion and want to hold onto it, I'm just afraid to. And that it's coming from a man, makes it even more appreciated. At least you made me smile a little.


I know this was directed toward Kevin, but I just want to say how very, very much I relate to what you said here, Terri. All of it. I keep posting things on here because I need to get them out... Because I need to read them back and see them in black and white. Because I don't want to hold onto hope that I shouldn't have anymore. And reading everyone's advice and experience means the world. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated this.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Youre welcome Terri and I understand that you are trying to avoid the hurt...GOD I UNDERSTAND!!! In this case however it does seem that he is not quite done with the relationship. Maybe his past medical condition has something to do with or MLC or maybe has depression????

I dont know, but obviously he is reaching out to you in some way. I do think what you are doing is right as it gives you a shield and gives you some distance.

I think there is hope...


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Well, just got home from therapy. Soon to be ex forgot to cancel his appointment. Of course. But I don't think it really matters. She said there are several issues going on, mid life crisis could be one of them. But she thinks we waited too long for help and his heart is just closed. She believes that he is just trying not to hurt me anymore than has already happened. 
She was glad I went to the attorney and said I need to follow up and file the paperwork. Wow. So I guess that's it. Time to move on. I asked if she thought he was just waiting for me to make the decision for him to make it final as usual and she said it's a good possibility. 
So I'm left to clean up the mess, as usual. This is a very painful day. I don't know if I'm strong enough to finish this off, but I guess I'm going to have to find a way to be. Sunday will be the last day I ever see him or speak to him again. I know that. I can't be his friend or crap like that. He's coming over Sunday to spend the day with our daughter and me. I will make an appointment with the lawyer next week to file the divorce. I just feel so empty.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

I know the feeling Mate


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

So sorry, wish things were better but they will be down the road!


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Just got home from work a bit ago. The home phone is ringing when I walk in, and guess who. He calls that number when he wants to see if I'm home. LOL Idiot. I didn't answer it so he's blowing up my cell phone. Finally, I answer his texts which of course he wants to know if I went out last night, if I'm going out tonight, is it ok if he asks that, blah blah blah. I gave him no info. Then he wants to know how therapy went and if I want to share. LOL Really. If he wants to know he should be there. Again, I told him no I didn't want to share. That didn't go over well with him. For me, it kind of felt good. I know, it's childish. But hey, I'll take the good feeling even if it is childish.
I asked him if he was still coming over to see our daughter tomorrow and he said he'd still like to see both of us if I don't have plans. Maybe we could play a game or go do something. Yeah, enjoy it while you can jerk. It's the last day for me. 
Oh, he asked me what the therapist thought of our meeting when we were all there. I did tell him she thought it was intense. That was all. He said he didn't find it intense at all. Of course not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were only talking about what an ass I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I do feel good that the therapist told me she can see how hard I'm working and how proud she was of me at the meeting so he can bite me. 
Anyway, I still feel good about my decision to not interact with him after Sunday. We'll see if I can stick with that. I'm going to give it my all so wish me luck on keeping it together and setting my boundries.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Sounds like you are in a better place today. Be strong and good vibes are headed your way.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Well, today was really hard for me. Since I knew I wasn't going to be speaking with him anymore I pushed a little bit. I mean, I had to put up with the constant questions about what I do and where I go and then when I get a little pissed about it he tells me to calm down (Huh, I hadn't even got past calm yet) that he was just joking. So I figured it was my turn to put some questions to him. He didn't like it much. He said he only wanted the truth from me. WHAT??? I have never lied to him about anything or given him any reason to not trust me. I told him that's all I wanted from him. Needless to say that went nowhere.
Then I told him it was painful when he comes over, wants to visit, have a romp in the sack, kiss and hug on me but he doesn't say he loves me. That I can't see how we are making any progress. He said he wouldn't say that. Now I'm starting to get a little stressed out and I can't quit shaking because when I walked in the door he was already here and he blocked my way and gave me the third degree for like 20 minutes about what I do and where I go and I'm barely keeping it all together. It's the combination of extreme anger and extreme sadness. 
So anyway, I'm rambling, now I'm just getting done and have had enough of his vague bullcrap and the we can't talk about anything but what he wants to, so I tell him I need him to go and sign off on the cable and electric bills so I can put them in my name with the excuse that when he gets his own place he will need that done. I was really nice about it. This pissed him off. He just shook his head like I was a crazy person. WHAT THE HECK???? How was there anything wrong with that? I told him I had a couple of responses from good companies from the resume's I sent out and I was hopeful to get one and then he could go to just paying child support. That didn't make him happy either. Nothing I say or do is right. I can't live like this, walking on eggshells and just sitting here not saying anything. 
Then I pushed a little more. Found out he is off tomorrow (unless he gets called in, supposedly). Well, I have a therapy session tomorrow at 5 so I told him he could have it since he is off. HAHAHAHAHA You should have seen him trying to scramble out of that one. So I just told him that was fine, I was just trying to make things easier for him, he didn't have to take it. But he said that he wanted to go and he would take it and call me when he was through. I told him not to call me. I didn't need to know what he does in therapy. But he said he would call me anyway. Like I'll be answering that phone call. Then when he leaves he hugs me and kisses me and tells me he misses me. RIGHT!!!! 
I'm not falling for his bs anymore. I said my goodbyes privately to myself today with the time I had with him and I don't regret that. I wanted to be with him and now I will find a way to let go completely. 
Therapy is helping me learn about behaviors that I don't like about myself, and I'm willing to work hard and correct those that hurt myself and others. But I'm a pretty direct person and I'm not into these games and I'm afraid that is something I don't want to change. I can change behaviors and how I interact but I can't and won't change my identity to make him love me. I'm not a bad person and I've been a good and loyal wife and a pretty darn good mom. People like me and think I'm funny and outgoing and pretty and nice and smart. A bit too aggressive, I'm working that, at times, but for the most part I'm not that bad. If he doesn't like me he can go screw himself. 
He on the other hand, is grumpy, negative, judgmental, has no empathy, a hard ass, overweight (not too much but there's a tummy there for sure), bald. (I'm not saying he's all bad, but for right now that's what I choose to focus on.) 
And it hurts so bad that I think he's the most handsome man in the world and I love him no matter what his bad points are because we all have them, but I just don't seem to measure up. 
I have never had a problem attracting men. Have always gotten hit on, even when he was at home. It used to piss him off so bad and I guess it still does to some extent because he did ask me if I had been asked out and yep I didn't lie I told him I had. But I never reciprocated then or now and I won't until my divorce is over. That's not right to my kids or anyone I might date. Anyway, that didn't make him happy. He wanted to know who it was, if it was someone he knows (yeah, like I'd date any of his loser friends) where I was, etc. So I just turned it around on him and asked him why he was so interested. Did he want me to go out with other men so he could go out with other girls, because that was fine with me if that was fine with him. He said no that wasn't what he wanted. 
I'm sorry this is so long. Like a soap opera. LOL I just so need to get this off my chest. It's like a weight that is suffocating me. 
It's so demeaning. I mean, really when you break it down it's like this. He doesn't love me like I am, but maybe if I get help and change he might love me and want to come back, but he might not. How friggin sick is that? Change and he'll take a second look to see if it's to his liking. WTF???
Really, I can understand, you are behaving in ways that hurt me or upset me and if we can get that under control we will be good to go. If he still loved me and just couldn't be around because of those things, I can get that. But this way? I don't get it at all anymore. I feel like a dress on a hanger and if I get sewed just right, and the pattern is just how he wants it, then he might take it, as long as another dress doesn't catch his eye that he likes better. 
Anyway, you might here from me later. I might need to vent some more. Trying to get it together right now. 
The one bright spot to the day, he has no money, (again) but he didn't ask for any. LOL I think he was afraid to. But he did ask if he could take some soup to eat and some soap. LOL How funny is that ****. It's really not because I feel so bad, but I didn't give him any money. This was his choice so he can live with the consequences of it.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

And feel free to commiserate with me. I need the company tonight.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I guess he is going to make it to therapy today as I haven't heard from him. He had the day off. I really don't understand how he can have the day off and not want to see his daughter. I was all work all day so he could have been with her. I guess he's just divorcing all of us.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

That's good that he is going to therapy ...yes?


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I guess so. He has texted me to let me know he was leaving for the therapist, texted me when he got there. Texted he would call when he is done. I want to believe that he is going to try and help our marriage, but there's this part of me that believes he is just going along with this to move me in the direction he wants (divorce) so it will make it easier on him. 
I'll tell you Kevin, his actions are so confusing to me. I'm trying really hard to do what the therapist says and not think about what his actions mean and just focus on me and my issues and improving those, but it's really hard. I have to read something into everything. It even drives me crazy!!! LOL


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

He didn't call after his session, so I guess that didn't go well. I can't catch a break. My nerves are shot.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Yeah it is confusing. So have you asked him straight out..."Is it a divorce you want"?


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

That's what he said when he first left, then he said he had thought about it and wanted to try therapy. We've been together once and this was his first time alone. So I don't know what came out in that session, but haven't heard from him since he went. My gut tells me it didn't go well for me. 
It's just so hard. And tonight I have a big dinner thing to go to with my soon to be daughter in law and her family. It's really hard to do these things without him. But my son would be hurt if I don't go so I'm gonna suck it up and go and try to put on a smile and act like I'm just fine. Fortunately I really like my son's fiancée and her family so maybe I'll get lucky and forget about him for a while and have fun.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Go have some fun you deserve it!!!


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Why don't you make the decision for him and file for divorce yourself - or at least for a legal separation? It takes time for a divorce to be completed, so if you file, maybe it will make him wake up. If not, at least you would have a decision one way or the other. Living in limbo is hell and that is where you seem to be right now.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I read this and i just want to scream Noooooo!!! You are killing him!!!! I believe I know what is wrong with him. I was there but did not last but 15 yes before I lost it. To hear you describe your self, I see My wife. He feels brow beat, marginalized, insignificant. How can more guys not see this? Death by a 1000 razor cuts. He is in self defense mode against you. I took all the mean little comments(knife to the ribs)from my as you described your self 'pain in the arse, strong willed(ie controlling), not into coddeling wife. Then 10 min later she was good to go while I was basically trying to stop the emotional bleeding while telling her "I'm OK" I wasn't! It was so common I don't think she realized it many times
You said you had issues you realize you need to work on which is good. #1 he needs to do full hormone screen
I started injection at 37-38 If his testosterone is very low you can feel little emotion, just numb. You have broken him and he does still love you. He is grasping at hope but the way you are acting his mind is confirming his worst nightmare. You are showing no remorse for your behavior and he sees that as you could care less which makes him fear you have another and he is not important any more. He feels broken and you broke him and now could care less. He wanted you to give a crap about his counseling session and you basically told him you could care less. THAT HURT just telling you. When he said you changed, I bet you, when you were being nicer after the stroke this allowed him to let his guard down and tell you basic all you were not the same woman he married, she was more affectionate and loving and not controlling.( which may have been caused from the stress of holding in all the stress and resentment from 29 yrs of internalizing the issues between you.) He feels emotionally insignificant in your eyes. He loves you and is wanting you to throw him a life vest he feels like you are throwing him the anchor. More later.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think you are projecting.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Hi Divinely Favored,

I appreciate what you are saying and I'm sure you must realize that many of my posts are venting. Just to clarify a few things, he left me. I do not initiate contact because that is how he prefers it. As far as counseling, this was his individual counseling and none of my business. If he wanted to talk about it he could have called. I certainly am not going to call him and be nosy. As far as controlling, I am to a point, but not to the extent you put it. I'm really tired of getting bashed and will take criticism and try to correct myself, but you are making it sound like I am one hard ass ***** and that just isn't the case. True that what you said I most definitely did not give enough love and affection and probably *****ed too much about the stupid stuff, but there are two sides to this story. 
I have worked full time the majority of our marriage and raised our kids practically by myself since his schedules never afforded me much help. I clean, cook, wash clothes, pay bills, mow the yard, tend the dogs, while he helps with maybe 10% of that. I ask him to jump in and take control of some stuff so I don't have to and guess what - he never does. 
He has never told me one time what it is that he needs from me or what behaviors are affecting this marriage. All the behaviors I've listed are what I have thrown out there that I feel are affecting us. The ways I behave that also make me unhappy. 
As far as contacting him I don't. Not because I don't want to, to know how he is, to make sure he is all right. I do. But I can't because he has given me no idea of what he wants from me. It's a guessing game. 
No one is perfect, not me and not him. We have both done things I'm sure that have been hurtful to the other. The difference is I know that he doesn't mean to hurt me and he's only human and people go through crap and I'm willing to tell him and let him figure out if those things he does he would be comfortable changing or compromising on but he obviously doesn't have that same attitude. 
So you can think what you want of me, but you don't have a clear picture of my marriage or the struggles we have had or of me for that matter. His alcoholism , the death of a child, financial struggles earlier on, etc. 
If this was as simple as showing him more respect and love and caring, that's an easy fix for me. If you read my posts his leaving was a wake up call to my not paying enough attention to our marriage and taking him for granted. The problem is it wasn't his wake up call to his taking me for granted, laying all responsibilities on my shoulders, and not being involved enough with his family as a husband, father, and lover. 
I have never said I had no fault in this. I've admitted it in therapy, I've admitted it to him and to myself. If he can't meet me halfway there isn't a lot I can do about it. If you think I am keeping all my feelings in and not laying them on him is because I don't want to - if you think I don't want to tell him how sorry I am and that I love him everytime I see him and talk to him you are so very wrong. I don't do those things for him, not for me. Because he wants his space and he doesn't want to hear those things because it makes him feel bad for me that I still feel that way. So I wish your view of it was correct, but unfortunately it's not. I've let him go because I love him no matter how much pain it's causing me and the kids. Because that's what he wants. 
I am the one who admitted my faults, sat through therapy while he nailed on me and didn't react or say anything about him, who has given in on everything through all this while he has not. Not much different than how our marriage has been for the most part. I have been a good wife who fell into the trap of everyday life, who has forgiven all the **** he put me through the first 10 years of our marriage and forgave him and never left him over it, I would think the least he could do is give me the same opportunity of forgiveness and starting over.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

I agree I think you deserve the same opportunity of forgiveness and being able to start over


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: Is there a chance?*



terrijw said:


> Hi Divinely Favored,
> 
> I appreciate what you are saying and I'm sure you must realize that many of my posts are venting. Just to clarify a few things, he left me. I do not initiate contact because that is how he prefers it. As far as counseling, this was his individual counseling and none of my business. If he wanted to talk about it he could have called. I certainly am not going to call him and be nosy. As far as controlling, I am to a point, but not to the extent you put it. I'm really tired of getting bashed and will take criticism and try to correct myself, but you are making it sound like I am one hard ass ***** and that just isn't the case. True that what you said I most definitely did not give enough love and affection and probably *****ed too much about the stupid stuff, but there are two sides to this story.
> I have worked full time the majority of our marriage and raised our kids practically by myself since his schedules never afforded me much help. I clean, cook, wash clothes, pay bills, mow the yard, tend the dogs, while he helps with maybe 10% of that. I ask him to jump in and take control of some stuff so I don't have to and guess what - he never does.
> ...


Sorry terryjw... i read what Divinely Favored wrote and i read what you wrote here... in the end, i think he is partially correct. Not that this is your fault, but that you are not really seeing your part in it. For example, you guys have been married 29 years, yet you made it a point to state that he treated you like **** for the first 10 years of your relationship. That was 19 years ago... is he still paying for it now?

Dont get me wrong, I am not trying to insult, accuse, or judge you. Im trying to help. In july of 2012 my hubby left me with 2 kids and us being together since i was 15. It nearly killed me. Now my husband was born with a life threatening illlness that has gotten progressively worse. I too felt that i did everything for him. He treated me like crap during our teenage relationship too... we had our first child 4 years in and he was nothing but great since then. It still hurt though. Then i was forced to be everything as his illness progressed. I started to resent him because he, too, is not one to talk about anything so i felt i was everything for nothing.


Though my husband was also the one to walk away, despite everything i had done "for" him, i quickly learned it wasnt out of "wanting" to leave me. It hurt him to the core that no matter what he did, i was never happy. Whether it was the past that came up every so often, his illness, the stress, etc. In his eyes, because he already had a feeling of unworthiness due to his sickness and the stress it put on our family, it was HIM causing us pain and he didn't want that. 

As a man, it killed his soul to hear that he/his past/his situation, made me unhappy. And he walked away. He said the same things, i don't know if i can do it again. I love you more than anything and wish we could work it out but i dont know if i can.

He moved out 3 months after we first seperated. I moved in with family a month later and 3 weeks later, after an argument with my family, he invited me and our kids to live with him. 6 months after that, a year from the start, we were back together.

Since we've been back together, we've talked a lot. He didnt want to leave, he felt he didnt have a choice. He didnt want to feel the pain of "not being good enough" in the eyes of the one person he cared most about. He said it made him feel low and there was nothing he could do. I can understand that now.

No matter what he did the first couple years (we were 15 when we met), he has been nothing but amazing since our first child was born 11 years ago. Yes, his illness sucks, yes i resent the fact that we are still young (under 35) and dealing with dialysis and blood transfusions and daily pain and weeks long hospital stays, but there is only one him and everything about him makes him worth all the sh*t. 

I got too caught up in it to see it before, but i do now. Dont know if this has any relevance to your situation or not. But sometimes the answer is as simple as changing your point of view. People dont always leave out of selfishness. So much of your response reminds me of what i said when my h left that i wonder if there isnt more too it. I apologize if im wrong, but at the end of the day all that matters is if you end up happy in or out of your relationship.

Its eapecially hard on men when health or employment problems enter the picture. It takes very little to make a man feel unworthy especially when they already have reason to feel low. I doubt anything feels worse than thinking your wife feela the same.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Wow, no I don't bring up the past and I have taken responsibility for my actions whether you want to believe that or not. I'm the one that went to get help for myself, and am continuing with that. I do appreciate the input, and I'm sure there is some of what you have posted that is probably somewhat accurate as to some of his feelings. But not that I have held on to his wrongs, which there have been others even after the first 10 years, I just don't classify them as being as traumatic, and I don't hold on to them. It is just very disappointing that he is forgiven and given the chance to correct things, but I'm not. I'm working on being a better more open person, which is what I used to be and that is all I can do. If you don't believe that, then that is fine. If he doesn't believe that, then, that too, is fine.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

NotEZ said:


> Sorry terryjw... i read what Divinely Favored wrote and i read what you wrote here... in the end, i think he is partially correct. Not that this is your fault, but that you are not really seeing your part in it. For example, you guys have been married 29 years, yet you made it a point to state that he treated you like **** for the first 10 years of your relationship. That was 19 years ago... is he still paying for it now?
> 
> Dont get me wrong, I am not trying to insult, accuse, or judge you. Im trying to help. In july of 2012 my hubby left me with 2 kids and us being together since i was 15. It nearly killed me. Now my husband was born with a life threatening illlness that has gotten progressively worse. I too felt that i did everything for him. He treated me like crap during our teenage relationship too... we had our first child 4 years in and he was nothing but great since then. It still hurt though. Then i was forced to be everything as his illness progressed. I started to resent him because he, too, is not one to talk about anything so i felt i was everything for nothing.
> 
> ...


Great post. Thank you


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: Is there a chance?*



terrijw said:


> Wow, no I don't bring up the past and I have taken responsibility for my actions whether you want to believe that or not. I'm the one that went to get help for myself, and am continuing with that. I do appreciate the input, and I'm sure there is some of what you have posted that is probably somewhat accurate as to some of his feelings. But not that I have held on to his wrongs, which there have been others even after the first 10 years, I just don't classify them as being as traumatic, and I don't hold on to them. It is just very disappointing that he is forgiven and given the chance to correct things, but I'm not. I'm working on being a better more open person, which is what I used to be and that is all I can do. If you don't believe that, then that is fine. If he doesn't believe that, then, that too, is fine.


I apologize if i came off as harsh or accusing towards you. I didnt mean it that way. I obviously know very little about your relationship aside from what you wrote here. Maybe my situation is not relevant in your case, which is fine.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

No worries. I'm just extremely sensitive these days. I do appreciate the input. And as I said I believe some of what you say applies. And I am aware of my faults and I'm working hard to get back to who I want to be. And I'm sure I have hurt him, as he has hurt me. I'm not putting all this on him, but not all on me either. 
I just really don't understand what's happening now. It seems like everything I do is wrong. He wants to be left alone so I leave him alone and that isn't right. He calls and responds when he wants to but if I don't respond to him right away then that's wrong. 
He isn't paying the agreed amount of money for support and that's ok with him. If I mention to him how hard that is then he gets mad. But we agreed to an amount so there wouldn't be these problems and he won't stick to it. He was mad today because he was trying to call me and I didn't answer because I haven't been feeling well and when I got home from the doctor I went to bed to get some sleep. I didn't hear the phone. So he called our daughter and wanted to know why I wasn't answering his calls. But it's ok for him to not answer mine or call when he says he's going to. 
I have not interfered in his life since he left. I have given him his freedom to do as he chooses. He says I'm controlling but I'm not controlling anything. I don't argue with him or give him any grief at all. He doesn't want to discuss our issues so I don't. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. 
In therapy she says I'm supposed to work on myself and find my happiness. I'm doing that but he doesn't seem to like that either. 
I'm getting more confused as time goes on, honestly. So if I sounded snippy, I didn't mean it. I'm just frustrated and lost and afraid to do or say anything anymore. And I'm taking things so personally now. I always feel like I'm being attacked and I'm really trying so hard. But I do appreciate everyone's input. 
My doctor told me today he wished he would have warned me that this might happen after his stroke. He said it happens a lot. But he didn't want to say anything because my h is also his patient and he was hoping for the best. But he said it does happen a lot after people go through life changing events. He said to quit trying to understand it because I never will. He doesn't understand it either and never will. But that most of them think they are missing out on something. And he said it's probably someone else and I just need to let go because he's never going to come back. I have therapy tomorrow and I will continue that to get my life back together. That's all I know to do.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Terri, I posted in my journal thread today, too. This really is a whole hot mess they've put us in, isn't it? Yes, yes, I know we have to take responsibility too. I know you do, and I do as well. But we aren't deciding that our marriages aren't worth fighting for, and that just sucks. 

You are absolutely right about focusing on getting your life together. That's my game plan, too. If I have to be sent out into the world to start over, you damn well better believe I'm going to take it by storm. 

We got this, girl.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

I understand where you at Tracy and I sympathise with you


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Just got home from therapy. That was hard. She said she couldn't go into much about her session with the h. But did say we have a session together next week that he made, but he hasn't said anything to me about it, which she said isn't good. She said he said he is conflicted about whether to work on this or not, that he is happier alone. But she believes that's because he doesn't have to deal with any of the problems. 
I guess he didn't want to say which way he was leaning until we have the therapy session together, so I guess I know what that means. He doesn't want to continue and wants someone there to handle the fallout. 
She said she talked to him about the conflicting messages he is sending, but obviously that didn't sink in because of yesterday. She said he hates to see me cry. Well, then stay the heck away from me and he won't have to see it. I told her I just wanted it over with. She said to think about that because if I'm just wanting it over to be done with the pain, then that wasn't a good way to deal with it. I told her I DO want it over because of the pain. 
I have a lot of thinking to do, but I'm pretty sure I'm just going to bow out of the whole thing. He can go or not to counseling but I don't need some stranger there to help me through his telling me this is final and there's no hope for reconciliation. He doesn't exist for me anymore. My life is my own now and I'll live it however I choose. I'm crying as I write this because it seems like such a waste of a pretty good life for the most part. But I can't change the ending so I can only start a new life and hopefully never see or hear from him again.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I wish I could meet up with you for drinks. We could talk for hours, I am sure. 

Thank you for putting that all out there. I'm sure it wasn't easy.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I wish we could too!!!! I have no family but the kids and my brother who doesn't liver here and the area we live isn't ripe for making friendships. So I'm virtually alone most of the time.
I must say hearing these things today has given me courage. I no longer feel scared about making the wrong move and doing damage. It's freeing. So I texted him for a change tonight to see how his night was. He texted right back. I told him to make sure to let our daughter know what time he was picking her up Sunday as I would be at work and probably wouldn't see him and then I said "Maybe we can get together sometime". He said he would see me on Sunday and we Will get together. So I just decided to put it out there and texted him I love you (but you don't have to say it back). He didn't. I didn't expect him to. Especially after the therapist told him to quit saying it. But it felt so good. He isn't controlling what I feel or say. It doesn't matter anymore. And even though I know I am moving on and this is over I'm not going to keep these feelings bottled up anymore. He's gonna hear them. I need to say them and be done with it. If it upsets him or makes him mad I don't care anymore. I have nothing to lose at this point. 
So I'm feeling relief right now. Still sad and hurt and all that. But at least some relief. I really can't tell you how good it feels to be free of the fear a little bit. He can't control me with it anymore.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Hi everyone. Just wanted you to know I went to the grocery store today after work. That's a first since this happened. I cleaned the whole house and did all the laundry AND did my nails. That is progress for me. Not saying I'm not having a hard time and my feelings are still raging, but at least I have been able to accomplish a few things. Feeling good about that.
Haven't heard from the H. Don't think I will again. He is picking our daughter up tomorrow. He told her at 11. That sucks because I'm going to have to go find something to do for an hour or so after work so I don't run into him. I don't know why he couldn't come earlier when I would be at work, but he probably didn't think about it. Maybe I'll hit the beach for a while.
Moving on is so hard and painful. I'm going to pack all his things next week and send them to storage until he can find his own place. Slowly trying to let go of it all. I know it will take time and every step I take will hurt like hell, but I have to do it.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I hope everything goes well today. Sending you good thoughts!


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

One step forward and 10 backward. Today is horrible. I feel like I'm drowning all over again. He shows up to pick up our daughter like he doesn't have a care in the world. Not wearing his wedding ring anymore. I was trying so hard to be ok. He seemed to be enjoying my pain. 
I asked him about the ring. I couldn't help myself. He said he would put it on but I told him I didn't want him to do anything he didn't want to. So he didn't. He actually had a smile on his face. I just left and as I was leaving he said he didn't understand why I felt this way. 
I don't understand why I can't keep it together. It's destroying me. I think I've got it, but then I don't. I can't take much more of this. Really.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Oh, no! I thought you were going to make sure you weren't there! 

I think these ups and downs are very normal for us while we adjust. It doesn't make them easier though, does it?

I'm so sorry.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I was, but he was late. I thought they would be gone when I got home. It's so hard.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

So he had the ring in his pocket?

Ask him for the ring back. You can sell it and buy something frivolous with the money.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Well, we are in complete no contact. This is so very hard. I feel like I'm just slowly dying. The hope is completely gone and my heart is breaking. I still don't understand this. He's a different person. 
His precious truck that he cares so much about, he hasn't made that payment. They are calling the house everyday. I hope they repossess it. 
He's making plans with our daughter and not even telling me. I guess that co-parenting the therapist talked about went out the window. 
I have to go to a session with him on Friday. I don't know why he scheduled the thing. He doesn't want to be there and I sure as heck don't want to be there with him. I guess he'll just have a fun 2 hours of ripping me apart. 
After his last session with the therapist he has decided to see the kids. Stopped by and visited them. Of course, only after the therapist said something to him. I think this is all a game and he is playing it well. They are happy to get the attention from him, and he makes sure it's very sparing and short. I think he knows what he's doing. 
I told our son what he said to me, that we need to keep things in therapy or things will get very bad very fast for me. And that the only way he will consider me is if we pretend like we have never known each other and start from there. My son said that is a military tactic (yep, he was military). The therapist also pointed out to me that he is using some military tactics on me in my last session with her. What's he going to do next, blow me up? 
Anyway, I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I just feel exhausted and beat up and so down I feel like I'll never be able to get on with life. I know that will change, but it can't come soon enough.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Be strong Mate and hang in there. It will work itself out


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You can disallow plans made without your approval. You are the custodial parent.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Thanks clipclop. Good to know. I won't interfere right now unless he plans something I feel inappropriate, even if he hasn't asked me. That's for my daughter. She already doesn't see or hear from him very much so I won't nix anything unless it's a huge problem. She's already hurting enough without that. I hope it doesn't come to that. 
You would be proud of me. He texted me tonight. Wanting to know how everything was. I didn't respond. Just shut the phone off and put it away. Then spent the evening doing the daughters hair and hanging out with her. She was giving me grief and laughing with me like before all this. It felt really good.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I am proud of you!

I have a 12 YO. Is yours into Frozen like the kids around here? A new Muppets movie is out, too. I think mine is going to see it with her buds on Saturday. They are at a positive age. Enjoy it!!!!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

PS. I don't think your STBXH will go for the blowing you up military tactic. But if you want him to blow up, treat him with complete indifference. When he believes you no longer care, he will lose whatever it is that pumps him up. His entire demeanor will change.

As an experiment, pretend you do not care.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Hang in there. You are stronger than you think. Enjoy those good moments, and trust that they will become more frequent as time goes on. 

I know the limbo is rough, though. But you're doing just fine.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I'm trying. It's so stressful.
He sent another text this morning. I still didn't respond.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Just got home from therapy. I think I was set up. The therapists first words were where do you want to go with this, to my husband. And he said he was done. He didn't want to be with me. He wanted me to date and move on with my life so he could move on with his. We have yet to discuss any problems in the marriage. I guess that's what she meant last week by I would find out what was going on in this session. The only thing he said is that he was resentful to me because no matter what he does I still feel like I'm not good enough. (That's true and I admitted that and I am working on it). He said he didn't like our daughter doing on line school. But he agreed to that and even encouraged it. That was it. That's what I've done to push him away and as far as he's concerned it's enough to dump our marriage. 
I asked him why he slept with me, said we'd work it out, told me not to tell him if I was dating - he said he was just trying to make me feel better. OMG. How horrible. My heart is broken and I don't understand any of this. When he looks at me I just see his hate for me. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Another day. Divorce is where this is going now. He does not want to try and work on this. I feel broken and sick. He even told our 2 older kids that this was completely over and he wasn't interested in trying that there was nothing left for him. That didn't sit well with the kids and they pretty much told him that. I believe there is another woman also. 
I have cut off all contact with him, but the pain is almost unbearable. Where did the man I loved and trusted go? He even told our d the only reason he went to therapy was never to try and reconcile but to make the break easier for me. Really, I think he should have said easier for him. It worked though. He got what he wanted and didn't have to face any of it alone. 
I've been told that his actions are very indicative of mid life crisis but I really don't care what it is. He's been mean, lied, used me. Someone who he supposedly loved and cared about. I think I'm seeing now the real guy I was married to. Maybe he's doing me a favor by stepping out. Wish he would have done it sooner. My heart is broken and I will have to live in this pain for some time plus take care of everything he left behind. 
I hope what he has done to this family (it's not the wanting out, it's the not willing to try and placing all blame on me and not saying anything he did wrong) gets done to him. I hope it devastates him like it has this family.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

We suspected it was a ruse, anyway. He is following the script.

So really, who is the OW?


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I don't know. I don't care. He says to everyone there isn't, but it really doesn't matter anymore. 
Our youngest d15 let him kind of have it on Saturday. She's very mad about his lying and of course financial support has pretty much stopped now. She asked him why and the only answer he could give her was that it didn't matter what he did it never made me happy. She asked him flat out since he's been unhappy all these years why didn't he leave before and he said he didn't mean that, he meant the last 2 years have been bad and he hit a brick wall and all he can see is the negative. She told him 2 hard years (stress from his mom's death and his stroke) isn't a reason to leave and not try. She also told him she didn't think divorce was the answer - he told her divorce takes a while and things could change. Or I could find a new man in 6 months who would make me happy. She asked what he thought he had done and he wouldn't answer. She thinks he's crazy. She and our 2 older kids say he even acts bizarre with them. 
I guess it makes him feel better to believe I'm this horrible person who has made him have to leave. I don't know anymore. I'm just scared and alone and sadder than I've ever been in my life. Oh, he also told her he wants to get his own place but probably won't be able to because I'll wipe him out in divorce. Why would you say these things to our daughter? Thankfully the kids are not letting him manipulate them so far. 
Whoever the OW is I hope it's a miserable relationship. I hope she gives him a freakin uncurable disease. It really won't matter, before he left he was becoming a miserable old man anyway. Narrow minded and *****ed about everything. Even the kids have said that. So why does it still hurt so darn bad?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I am so sorry that he is being such a class A jerk. I'm glad to hear that your kids are able to see that at face value, but he needs to be told to lay off of that crap. It's not fair to you, and way unfair for the kids. My H said something last night that stuck with me. When our divorce happens, it's between us. The how's, the whys....are our business. Not the kids, not our families, but ours. I think he's right. At least for sure when it comes to the kids. It sucks enough that we are divorcing, so let's not give them anything to potentially make this harder. 

Is he attending any therapy at all now? Can you get the therapist to tell him to keep the kids out of it?


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

No, the therapy apparently was only to finish things off. Unfortunately for him 2 of our kids are grown and our youngest is 15. I believe the reason he does this is because they are fully aware of what is going on - they are old enough to understand it all and they think he's lost his mind - so he tries to play on them. But it doesn't work because he lies to them and makes promises he never keeps. 
I am done with him. What he has done is not right. Playing on all our feelings, using us all and then saying he tried when he didn't try anything. Not supporting his daughter who is still at home, it's all about him. It's a shame really, that we are such a loving family and strong. I guess he just couldn't keep up. His loss. I feel sorry for him when he finally gets the courage to trot out the OW. What little bit of a relationship he does have with his kids will be done. They have said that they will not accept that. And our son said he can thank his dad for that, because that's how his dad raised him. 
When all this started I was so upset, thinking of all the things I might have done wrong. Putting all the blame on myself. But now after time to think about it all, yes, there were some things that needed correcting, but on the whole it was a good marriage and he threw it away without even a chance. He gives his friends better than that. They can crap all over him and it's ok, but some issues in the marriage and that's too much for him. This family wasn't important enough for a little work and consideration for each other.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

It's sad that whatever he's going through makes him think it's ok to do the things he is doing. You are right, it takes two to get us in the situations we are are in. But he will wake up one day and realize the damage he's done. I'm sure of that. 

You may have made your own mistakes, but you are doing things the best you can now, and that's what matters.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I love your daughter!!!

Is she doing ok otherwise? This can significantly color her view of men. I mean, it has to change it but the degree should be controlled. Her father is his own case. Selfish. 

He cannot run away from financial responsibility so be sure to nail him on that.

"Nice guys" sometimes implode. His friends crapping all over him is telling. Nice guys" are ripe for affairs. And it is always someone else's fault and people should always feel sorry for them. Boo effing hoo.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

My heart is breaking for you girlfriend.

The path is now clearer and I hope you can accept it. Denial stalls the healing you desperately need.

If I can be so bold to suggest two things. First of all, somehow you need to try to focus on yourself. Hopefully, you can get your older children and even your teenager to ramp up their support for you and help you do whatever tasks have to get done to finalize your moving on. You need to start living your life for your kids and yourself taking baby steps to your new independent you.

I have seen Conrad suggest this to many people who struggle with interactions with the stbx.

One of your standard responses to anything that is contrary to the parenting agreements for your D15 or appointments or communications to you should be:

"That is not acceptable to me". End of conversation.

You do not need to be walked on any longer!

I am rooting for you, time to look to the future.

Stretch


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