# Widow's fire



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I laughed when I came across an article mentioning this. I said what? This can't really be a thing and kept on scrolling. Ummmm... I am absolutely miserable at being shy of 6 months out. Some of you have read my past postings from last year and the beginning and know how wrecked my marriage was. I was just holding out hope, but to no avail. Anyways, it's been well over a year, if I'm brutally honest with myself, probably longer than that, since I'd had any decent physical/intimate interaction in marriage leading up to the suicide of my husband in March this year.

I am seriously, seriously miserable. I've never understood how people can just go out and have one night stands, hit it and quit it, whatever you want to refer to casual sex as, and while I'm not to that point of desperation, I do wish I had the nerve to find a man to take these feelings I'm experiencing out on, or share with rather. Just so I don't have to feel like this. I know deep down it's part of the healing process, I haven't shared this in counselling but maybe e that would help. I don't know. The feelings come and go but this week, MAN! They are full force.

The man I'm speaking to now is so respectful. He's flirty but definitely has boundary lines, he has never asked for pictures of me, never tried to 'sext', is truly in it to get to know me and the rest can come later. It's so out of the norm for me. I was just always treated as a piece of meat, the only way I was desired was for what I brought to a bedroom and now I don't have that. It wasn't even that much attention, but it was the only real attention I ever got from my late husband and now.. While I don't wish for that again, it's very odd to not have even that.

I don't know what to do with myself, except be patient and reign it in. I'm just venting. Please go easy on me ladies (or gents.)


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I feel for you. You seem like you have it pretty together for all the crap you've been through (far better off than I would be), but I know you've still got a lot going on. 

Can you get out and at least get some human contact? A hug? I know it doesn't "put out the fire" but it may help keep you from getting to that desperate position, IDK.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You'll do great!


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Have you thought about asking him to "open up" his discussions a little? Sounds kinda like that is what you are going for here. Not in the way of being treated like a piece of meat, but just a little bit stronger language? Or maybe just push the boundary a little bit yourself and see how he responds?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you want to get things cookin with this guy, just be sure you're flirty
with him when you're together. I don't mean sexting or any of that, just really paying attention to what he's saying and smiling and maybe reaching over and touching him on his arm just to give him the green light. He sounds pretty nice!

I realize that can be an adjustment and even a buzz kill sometimes but you should at least give it a shot and see if you can get used to something nicer.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you want to get things cookin with this guy, just be sure you're flirty
> with him when you're together. I don't mean sexting or any of that, just really paying attention to what he's saying and smiling and maybe reaching over and touching him on his arm just to give him the green light. He sounds pretty nice!
> 
> I realize that can be an adjustment and even a buzz kill sometimes but you should at least give it a shot and see if you can get used to something nicer.


I know you're exactly right and this is completely healthy and exactly what I need in my life.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I know you're exactly right and this is completely healthy and exactly what I need in my life.


But if you find you can't get excited with a guy who treats you right, then you do know that is therapy work you need to do on you, right? You can't force yourself to have attraction, but getting to the root and airing any old reasons why can over time help.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Have you thought about asking him to "open up" his discussions a little? Sounds kinda like that is what you are going for here. Not in the way of being treated like a piece of meat, but just a little bit stronger language? Or maybe just push the boundary a little bit yourself and see how he responds?


He’s trying to keep me ‘honest’ is the real thing. Which is what I need. But booooooy, all that does is make me more crazy. Not in a bad way though, just makes me want to dig in all the more and get to know him more and hope I can contain myself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think I said before but you have given yourself no time to think, reflect or heal. You are already involved with another man and I just can't see how you are in anyway emotionally ready for that. 
These things take time, lots of time, a day at a time, a step at a time. 

I agree with you about the casual sex and one night stands. They hold no appeal for me either.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It is the brave who live the best life.

Be brave …. no apologies required


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I think I said before but you have given yourself no time to think, reflect or heal. You are already involved with another man and I just can't see how you are in anyway emotionally ready for that.
> These things take time, lots of time, a day at a time, a step at a time.
> 
> I agree with you about the casual sex and one night stands. They hold no appeal for me either.


Yes I understand you feel this way. The only thing I can tell you is your not completely wrong and your also not completely right.

I’ve been grieving my late husband for a long while now. I’m not pushing emotions down, I’m not running from things. I’m not even FORCING this involvement with another man. It’s been organic from day one. 

Every persons experience is their own, therapy and timelines and growth and regression and so on and so forth is not subject to a text book. While I do find a lot of your comments insightful not just in my threads but others, I do have to respectfully disagree here.

Now there is absolute precaution that would be foolish not to take, I’m not rushing to figure a way to get to be with this man, how to get him down here with me. Where does it say you can’t possibly heal and grow through friendship with someone or community and be able to move on “outside an appropriate timeline?”

What is the appropriate timeline? What things do I need to have done to make this a tad bit okay to explore?

Should I be able to go three week without crying over the loss? Should my son have a year of therapy under his belt? Should I be financially stable before hand? Do I need to be signed off by my therapist as deemed well enough to be apart of someone else’s live romantic or platonic?

The fact is, I grieved what I thought was a marriage that wasn’t for the last few years of my life. Really started losing hope last fall. I was abused emotionally, mentally and it’s no secret, but I took a stand last October and began MY own healing then. I am better for it, wiser, more tender, more determined than ever to be strong in the many many blessings I’ve been afforded, even through this tragedy and I am on the road to healing. I don’t believe until I’m called up I’ll ever be truly healed of this, but I know where my foundation is and it’s built on the rock which is why I haven’t faltered into a hole of depression and I won’t. Im not perfect and this could be a mistaken step or maybe a friendship that is mistaken for a romantic relationship, but I’m not scared of that.

What else can I do and how else do move on?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Yes I understand you feel this way. The only thing I can tell you is your not completely wrong and your also not completely right.
> 
> I’ve been grieving my late husband for a long while now. I’m not pushing emotions down, I’m not running from things. I’m not even FORCING this involvement with another man. It’s been organic from day one.
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying, but having had a very traumatic marriage ending after 23 years and a mother who committed suicide in her 50's, I know it takes many years to even begin to in anyway heal from such things.

Yes a friend is good, someone to talk to is good, so if that helps then that's fine.
A relationship takes a lot of effort and emotional investment which maybe you don't have right now? Its just my six pennies worth, take it or leave it as you choose🙂.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I’m sure you could probably go to a bar and take your pick if you want to have a ONS.

At my age I have learned it’s good to be direct with what you want. If you‘d like to go with the guy you have now you can just tell him. I’d almost say if he can’t rise up and do what’s required maybe he’s not a match.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I understand what you are saying, but having had a very traumatic marriage ending after 23 years and a mother who committed suicide in her 50's, I know it takes many years to even begin to in anyway heal from such things.
> 
> Yes a friend is good, someone to talk to is good, so if that helps then that's fine.
> A relationship takes a lot of effort and emotional investment which maybe you don't have right now?


Again you’re right about a relationship taking a lot of effort and then being an investment for any kind to really work. In that sense another blessing is I’m under zero pressure (except my own when I let my loneliness or feelings come at me wildly uninhibited!) I have a lot more of my self to share than the average person would in my situation that’s for sure. I’m not super special but I do believe I am cut from a different cloth so to speak and handle things differently as well as have a very practical view of life. 

So there in lies, the cautious, slow moving steps that are being taken or for that matter even on the back burner to being taken.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Won't even ask you for a picture? Sounds like a guy who's probably got ED to me. 

I would worry less about that particular guy and just keep putting yourself out there in places men can find you. The right one you feel a vibe with (and can direct sufficient blood flow to his penis) will show up eventually.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I’m sure you could probably go to a bar and take your pick if you want to have a ONS.
> 
> At my age I have learned it’s good to be direct with what you want. If you‘d like to go with the guy you have now you can just tell him. I’d almost say if he can’t rise up and do what’s required maybe he’s not a match.


The issue here is this particular guy is 1000 miles away 😆


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

gaius said:


> Won't even ask you for a picture? Sounds like a guy who's probably got ED to me.
> 
> I would worry less about that particular guy and just keep putting yourself out there in places men can find you. The right one you feel a vibe with (and can direct sufficient blood flow to his penis) will show up eventually.


He would if I went there but until I give the go ahead, he’s holding back the reigns. I’m miserably holding back those reigns out of being cautious.

I see your point though lol. They make meds for that though right? Lol


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> The issue here is this particular guy is 1000 miles away 😆


Ah that sucks!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> I’m sure you could probably go to a bar and take your pick if you want to have a ONS.
> 
> At my age I have learned it’s good to be direct with what you want. If you‘d like to go with the guy you have now you can just tell him. I’d almost say if he can’t rise up and do what’s required maybe he’s not a match.


I believe he lives a long a way away?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I believe he lives a long a way away?


I missed that part. For me a LDR would be a 30+ minute drive. The online stuff is after my time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> He would if I went there but until I give the go ahead, he’s holding back the reigns. I’m miserably holding back those reigns out of being cautious.
> 
> I see your point though lol. They make meds for that though right? Lol


Forgive me if I am wrong but didn't you say that you and the guy you are talking to are Christians? If so that's probably why he isn't asking for risky pics.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Forgive me if I am wrong but didn't you say that you and the guy you are talking to are Christians? If so that's probably why he isn't asking for risky pics.


look you again! 😆 that would be correct. That's why and I’m also trying to be a ‘good girl.’ Lol


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> look you again! 😆 that would be correct. That's why and I’m also trying to be a ‘good girl.’ Lol


Yes casual sex isn't what God wants for you. If He is in this relationship then it will develop, if not it wont, trust Him. Are you involved in a church?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes casual sex isn't what God wants for you. If He is in this relationship then it will develop, if not it wont, trust Him. Are you involved in a church?


Yes, deeply am. I work at the church, which doesn’t mean anything, but for me I’m constantly plugged in. Whether it’s the Thursday group I belong to or the outside meetups I have with church community, it’s always on. Which I know could only be Him working this mess out for His glory.

My friend attends the same kind of church in his town and also assists leading the study he attends on Tuesdays which we talk about and share from each other’s studies. I’m telling you, it does feel too good to be true and maybe it is. Gods up to something, I don’t know what it is, but my leaving my ears and my heart open for it.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> He would if I went there but until I give the go ahead, he’s holding back the reigns. I’m miserably holding back those reigns out of being cautious.
> 
> I see your point though lol. They make meds for that though right? Lol


Yeah they do. It just seems like you've suffered enough disappointment already to not go through the hassle of a long distance meeting and then end up not even getting any. If he's so into christian chastity that he won't even ask you for a picture is he going to make you wait for marriage too?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

gaius said:


> Yeah they do. It just seems like you've suffered enough disappointment already to not go through the hassle of a long distance meeting and then end up not even getting any. If he's so into christian chastity that he won't even ask you for a picture is he going to make you wait for marriage too?


So! Since you brought that up. 😆 there May have been a discussion about that. Not that we would or wouldn’t in a new relationship (not even talking us) just in general.. we said basically, how amazing would it be to be able to glorify God in that way. And then we were like, also.. HOW HARD would that be. Stupid hard 😆

So basically I think it’s a matter of, how far can we steer away from sexual gratification with one another should this evolve further, as well as, we have never even met, what if we meet and it’s all you’re like my sister and yeah, you feel like a brother, not cool. Lol. And then we’ve seen each other naked, had obscene dialogue shared. Trying not to make it weird before really knowing each other.

The other side to this really is that he knows all of my past. He wants to prove to me that he’s not out for a hit it and quit it, that I as a woman have value and laced far deeper than my physicality, that the physical part is just a perk to the rest of me and him that we are getting to know. So really he’s protecting me from myself if that makes sense.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Yes, deeply am. I work at the church, which doesn’t mean anything, but for me I’m constantly plugged in. Whether it’s the Thursday group I belong to or the outside meetups I have with church community, it’s always on. Which I know could only be Him working this mess out for His glory.
> 
> My friend attends the same kind of church in his town and also assists leading the study he attends on Tuesdays which we talk about and share from each other’s studies. I’m telling you, it does feel too good to be true and maybe it is. Gods up to something, I don’t know what it is, but my leaving my ears and my heart open for it.


He will lead you one step at a time. Whether your friend is there to help you though this part of your life just as a friend, or whether more will come of it who knows. Either way its in Gods hands

I love the way God can and does bring good out of bad, beautify from ashes. 😊


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> So! Since you brought that up. 😆 there May have been a discussion about that. Not that we would or wouldn’t in a new relationship (not even talking us) just in general.. we said basically, how amazing would it be to be able to glorify God in that way. And then we were like, also.. HOW HARD would that be. Stupid hard 😆
> 
> So basically I think it’s a matter of, how far can we steer away from sexual gratification with one another should this evolve further, as well as, we have never even met, what if we meet and it’s all you’re like my sister and yeah, you feel like a brother, not cool. Lol. And then we’ve seen each other naked, had obscene dialogue shared. Trying not to make it weird before really knowing each other.
> 
> The other side to this really is that he knows all of my past. He wants to prove to me that he’s not out for a hit it and quit it, that I as a woman have value and laced far deeper than my physicality, that the physical part is just a perk to the rest of me and him that we are getting to know. So really he’s protecting me from myself if that makes sense.


Its what God says to do, no sex till marriage, not easy at all but very much worth it. 
The guy sounds like a good friend.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

gaius said:


> Yeah they do. It just seems like you've suffered enough disappointment already to not go through the hassle of a long distance meeting and then end up not even getting any. If he's so into christian chastity that he won't even ask you for a picture is he going to make you wait for marriage too?


That's what God says to do, wait till marriage. So if the guy does want to wait, that shows he is serious about His faith.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Its what God says to do, no sex till marriage, not easy at all but very much worth it.
> The guy sounds like a good friend.


Irritatingly so sometime haha 😆


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> That's what God says to do, wait till marriage. So if the guy does want to wait, that shows he is serious about His faith.


He is definitely seriously about making a concerted effort. Really it was my idea, but he’s for sure keeping me honest when I’m trying to entice him lol.

Makes me more crazy!


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> That's what God says to do, wait till marriage. So if the guy does want to wait, that shows he is serious about His faith.


Or it shows he has sexual dysfunction and hides it behind religion. I don't trust a guy who never falls victim to his hormones even once in a while.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

So Widow's Fire is what they call your burning sexual desire for this guy? Did you meet on a dating app?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

gaius said:


> Or it shows he has sexual dysfunction and hides it behind religion. I don't trust a guy who never falls victim to his hormones even once in a while.


Its self control. Many use it in these situations. I doubt he has a sexual disfunction.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> He is definitely seriously about making a concerted effort. Really it was my idea, but he’s for sure keeping me honest when I’m trying to entice him lol.
> 
> Makes me more crazy!


You both have to be on the same page on this.


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## Bcause (5 mo ago)

Get a friend and go listen to music art, street party event, or whatever makes you happy just talk to men. It’s a first step and something I did for the first time last weekend. It’s nice to be able to finally return a gaze and talk about general stuff with a man. Didn’t dance with them, not there yet. It’s been over a year for me so I get what you’re saying. Im not divorced yet and too Midwest for a one nighter or a relationship but go with whatever makes you happy. Had 4 men paying attention to me, all respectable, interested and friendly. it’s been 3 decades since I’ve been in that position and it did feel good. 1 I knew 20 years ago, 1 nice and 1 sent off major red flags. Be careful and keep your heart and head aware.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Its self control. Many use it in these situations. I doubt he has a sexual disfunction.


I must have missed the part in the Bible where it's a sin to even look at a picture of her. That's not pious, that's dysfunction.

Either that or he hasn't asked for a picture of her because he doesn't want to send one of himself. Jabba the Hutts less attractive brother. It's just a high risk situation for disappointment.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> So Widow's Fire is what they call your burning sexual desire for this guy? Did you meet on a dating app?


Not for him, just in general. I did not meet him on a dating app. I've not joined an app. We met on a an anonymous forum and starting emailing each other from time to time.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Its self control. Many use it in these situations. I doubt he has a sexual disfunction.


I agree it's absolute self control. It also respect given he knows the entirety of my story and wants me to understand that's he's after more than just sex. I've seen and talked to him, in regards to a previous poster saying he doesn't send pics or whatever it was. 

They just aren't nudes or other less wholesome photos. Trust me there's plenty of temptation to head down that path. Another concern is, why go there, when in fact we do finally meet, we get the brother sister vibe and don't pursue anything further? Would be weird to have seen things we can't unsee.

I know it doesn't align with what the world views as 'normal.' But that's us for now.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

gaius said:


> I must have missed the part in the Bible where it's a sin to even look at a picture of her. That's not pious, that's dysfunction.
> 
> Either that or he hasn't asked for a picture of her because he doesn't want to send one of himself. Jabba the Hutts less attractive brother. It's just a high risk situation for disappointment.


I would agree there is risk. No less risk in many other cases however.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Not for him, just in general. I did not meet him on a dating app. I've not joined an app. We met on a an anonymous forum and starting emailing each other from time to time.


So you are mid-30s. Is he similar age or older like your former husband? I don't think it matters, just trying to decipher the dynamics here.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> So you are mid-30s. Is he similar age or older like your former husband? I don't think it matters, just trying to decipher the dynamics here.


He is a year older than me. Getting his master's in IT, he is an army vet, was a medic, which is funny as I was here as a civilian. We share the same values, there are a lot of opposites too, such as myself, I'm more of a country girl, own 10 acres, have goats and chickens, he's definitely a city boy. Polar opposite of my former husband.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Is it hot in here, or is it me?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Is it hot in here, or is it me?


welcome to my world. Lol or was that throwing some shade?Haha. It’s a miserable feeling.


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