# Tired of being in charge



## Ettonay (Jan 6, 2016)

My husband and I have been together for almost 14 years. For a few years my drive was lower than his, but now I'm into my forties and suddenly I'm good to go pretty much anytime. As you might imagine, my H is thrilled with this development and we're both enjoying all the sex. Mostly. 

I'm my H's first and only sexual partner, and while he's an affectionate and responsive lover, I find his repertoire kind of limited. In the past I've been the one to make suggestions and offer feedback, but lately I just can't bring myself to say anything more either in the moment or later. It bugs me too much to think he's following my instructions instead of acting spontaneously. As a result, sex is frequent, but very predictable.

In a nutshell, I want my H to be more aggressive in the bedroom and also to introduce some new positions and ideas. I realize it might be unreasonable, but I wish he'd figure some of this out himself. 

Any thoughts on how to encourage him to take the initiative?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Try instructional videos like the Better Sex Collection from Sinclair Institute.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You sound like a major pain. You expect him to read your mind?

Tell him he'll get more sex if he gets more adventurous with you, and that he'd better figure it out on his own. What you're asking is unreasonable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Evinrude58 said:


> You sound like a major pain. You expect him to read your mind?
> 
> Tell him he'll get more sex if he gets more adventurous with you, and that he'd better figure it out on his own. What you're asking is unreasonable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with the sentiment, disagree with the methodology here.

No, he can not read your mind. FAR too many posts on TAM are easily solved by communication, but wind up being 10 pages long any way.

This is one of those posts. It's not a stupid question, it's just that the answer is painfully simple - COMMUNICATE.

This is your husband, the man you've been with for 14 years, and married. You should be able to communicate with him.

As a direct response to your issue, you need to guide him to do what you'd like him to do. You don't necessarily have to use words to do this.

As an example, you can gently push his head where you want him to go, and he can figure out the rest. I find women can generally have a problem doing this, because most of them do not like it when a man does the same. But if you attack sex as though you were having it with a clone of yourself, then that can be limiting. Besides, most men (I think) don't mind being gently guided (or outright pushed). I haven't met any woman, yet, who enjoys it when their partner pushes their head down to his crotch.

Further examples are talking to him, telling him to speed up, slow down, do this, do that, whatever. Dictate the pace. Tell him to turn you over, tell him to kiss your neck, tell him to do whatever works for you. Eventually, when he figures out certain things elicit a positive response from you, you won't have to tell him any more.

Basically, you need to train him. If he has half a brain, he'll pay attention to what's working for you, and eventually you won't have to guide him any more.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Communicate, if you don't tell him what you want he can't know. If you are a little shy about that, which I perfectly understand you can watch a porn movie together and just say... "Ohhh, I'd like to try that or that looks like something we could try". There are also sex forums out there that talk about different things, read them and discuss between yourselves what turns you on and what he finds a turn on and try them. You both might find things you like that you never dreamed off, fantasies and fetishes run really wild. If you try something and don't like it or it is awkward, well then you have both had a good laugh. Laughing is always good, even during sex. 

This is what we did, as we were both on the very vanilla side. I decided with this husband who is really my life's love to try everything and to have a complete and healthy sex life. Things I once thought to be "dirty" or "nice girls don't do that" have become second nature and I really love that my husband and I have shared so many "firsts". Slowly we have both lost all our contorted inhibitions we have carried through life and are enjoying each other to the fullest. 

I hope this is helpful and good luck!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ettonay said:


> Any thoughts on how to encourage him to take the initiative?


YES!

Order a set of *step by step instructions* on how to be sexually spontaneous. This is how men work!

http://www.amazon.com/101-Nights-Great-Sex-Anticipation/dp/0962962872

Because they are already written out and *sealed shut*, neither of you will have any idea of what to expect each time. 

To be fair, some of the sealed instructions are for you too, so he can also enjoy wondering what is in store!

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
While I share your feelings, I wish my wife were more assertive and inventive, I know it won't work. You need to tell him what you want. You can try telling him that you really want him to try new things- but even if he agrees, you may find that his idea of "new things" doesn't at all match what you are hoping for.


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## Ettonay (Jan 6, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> While I share your feelings, I wish my wife were more assertive and inventive, I know it won't work. You need to tell him what you want. You can try telling him that you really want him to try new things- but even if he agrees, you may find that his idea of "new things" doesn't at all match what you are hoping for.


Ha, yes, true! That would actually be okay. I don't mind if he tries out stuff I don't like. That would create an opportunity to take things in a new direction set by him.

I do feel like I have been communicating all this time, though very probably not as clearly as needed. My husband is definitely receptive, but it seems to go like this: I tell him what to do, he does it, repeat.

Thanks for the suggestions, folks. Badsanta, I can't tell if you're teasing me, but I really like the idea of secret instructions. Maybe I'll start there.:smile2:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ettonay said:


> Thanks for the suggestions, folks. Badsanta, I can't tell if you're teasing me, but I really like the idea of secret instructions. Maybe I'll start there.:smile2:


I'll give you *one example* from the book that my wife liked. One was instructions for me to buy a butterfly bullet vibe and use it to get my wife right to the edge of orgasm. Once she was there I was to "stop/start/stop/start/stop/start" the vibrator as she gradually went over the edge. 

Teasing you is the whole point! But YES, men need clearly written instructions. The idea is that perhaps this book will help get both of your creative juices flowing.

Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ettonay said:


> My husband and I have been together for almost 14 years.
> 
> ...I find his repertoire kind of limited.
> 
> ...


You really should count your blessings. 

Having been in a sex starved marriage, "being in charge" or initiating would be a small price to pay in comparison to the alternatives.

Yes, communicate. The Sex Therapist who helped save my marriage provided us with some Sinclair Institute films and exercises---great suggestion. 

If you just have a hard time bring up the subject to communicate with him; I do have a suggestion, which is based on both things our Sex Therapist had us do and something we learned at a Gottman Institute weekend workshop. 

Tell you husband that you love him to pieces and want to grow old with him. Tell him that you want to be the couple that everyone looks to as the happily married retired couple. Then ask him what his vision of a happy marriage is at certain stages of your life as you grow older. 

What does a happy marriage look like when the older of the two of you is 60, 70, 80, 85? 

What are the things you do with each other that give you joy and emotional closeness? 

Recognizing that one or both of you may become disabled or less capable as you age, what are things you don't want to do while you still can before one or both of can no longer. (Depending on how brave you are, you might then tell him that just about all men, if they are lucky enough to grow old enough, will get prostate cancer. Some who get the aggressive version may have to have surgery and of those 20% will be impotent and they are the lucky ones who don't die of it. Then remind him that in the Viagra commercials they say that nearly 40% of men have some form of ED. Tell him that those things scare you and you don't want to have regrets in your retirement years.)

Also ask him what are the things you do for yourself to make you happy at the various stages of your life/marriage.

If you know where you are headed in your marriage, then maybe you can change your course now so that you can eventually get to where you both want to get to. It is a lot more than just how initiates.

Good luck.


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