# my marriage is so degrading .. so disrespectful



## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

the title says it all. I'm 26, been married for 3 years now, with my husband for 7. We love each other deeply, but we have the unhealthiest, most disrespectful, most degrading marriage on the face of this planet. Since day one all it has been is bickering, fights, yelling and screaming, and degrading one another. I dont know what it is exactly. I do know that theres lots of resentment going on. Theres alot of mistrust. And absolutely no communication what so ever. We both have the biggest egos in the world, so when we get into fights we rather die than admit our faults. We argue over the simplest stupidest things, but then go on without speaking to one another for weeks. if he or i get sick, or tired, or cries, or whatever, we immediately rush to be at each others sides, we forget what it was we even fought about, and life just moves on. until another problem occurs. 
currently, hes in one state im in another. we've been apart for 2 months because we decided to change states, so while he's settling down there and doing whatever needs to be done, im still here living on my own and im always at wits end, like a balloon ready to pop, i feel like he's not doing enough for us, and i hate that im here suffering on my own waiting on him to "allow" me to go by him. when he first left, it was "oh, i miss you, and love you so much" blah blah blah, now its constant yelling and bickering and i just hate communicating with him because it just depresses me. i cant stop crying. ive told him, as of last night, that i just want a divorce. and even though i know he doesnt want it too, he says he'll give me what i want. the thing is, i honestly do not know if thats the solution for us. please help :


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Marriage Counseling.

It sounds like you understand very well what the problems are and you both continue to participate in the childish behaviors.

Resentment is poison in a marriage and it sounds like you both are building up a ton of it. You both"love each other deeply" so seek professional help. Your marriage is ill and like any illness you would go see a doctor/professional to fix it.

If you really love each other, it really only takes one of you to be the good example and the other usually will follow suit.

I wish you both well!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It really does sound like you’re caught up in your ego, and you know it. It is seriously good that you are aware of it, a lot aren’t. Your ego will blind you at times and cause you pain.

Sometimes you just need to get way from it, let it relax, stretch a bit and grow. If you’d like to do that then read Awareness by Anthony de Mello Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books.

He’ll give you a totally different perspective on life and a new and enlightening way of looking at it and understanding it.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Thanks guys. Sometimes I just think the root of the problem is so deep that we would just be better off leaving one another, save each other our pride and dignity. Our issues are so deep.
I come from a background that degrades women to an extreme, and I grew up between women that were just made into wives to sit their @$$es in the kitchen .. that's what I was told as I was growing up "why pursue your education, you'll only end up in the kitchen", so I built huge walls, couldn't trust anyone (men in specific) and did pursue my education and my career. But the one thing is I never, ever let a man get to me. I never let any man tell me that i was "wrong" because of these "men" that i grew up around. tell me I cant and I will. Again, my ego. I really need to work on that. Usually after an argument or fight, when I've calmed down, I'll sit with myself and convince myself that my ego isn't getting me anywhere, that I do love this man, that he hasn't stood against me when it comes to my dreams and career, and that I do need to give in sometimes, it's not wrong that a woman gives every once in a while, and if it's for what's best for us then why not. Then when he approaches me to talk about our problem, the minute he says "you ..." BEFORE he can even continue I'm raging. I dont want to hear it anymore. Even if he is right. I just lash out at him and don't give him a chance to continue. I've never in our 3 years of marriage admitted that I was wrong, even if deep down I knew I was. So, since I do know that I have this ego problem, but it does go back ages, since I was younger, do you really think there's hope for me? I'm really starting to give up ... honestly.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Why, just why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> Why, just why?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why what?


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

PinkBeret said:


> Apparently you 2 can live without each other -- 2 months is a very long time to be physically and emotionally apart from your spouse without wanting reconciliation from both parties.


That's what brought me here Pink. It breaks my heart to say it, but I dont miss him. I miss what we used to be. I miss who I thought we were. Before our marriage. But I feel like I can move on without him, and vice versa. It really does break my heart to have come to this realization. I do love him. But the passion is gone. The problems, the degrading, the lashes, they've all taken a toll on me, and I just want for this nightmare to be over.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wouldn't call it love.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I wouldn't call it love.


I say that too sometimes ... but I do love him, and I do know he loves me too ... but there are deeper issues that need to be addressed that we havent and we lack communication, neither one of us is willing to be the wiser, better one - hence our situation. :/


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I agree with This is Me that MC would be a good idea for you both, and perhaps IC, too, to help with the ego / anger issues that you both appear to have.

If you both love one another, it's worth trying to resolve these problems, but letting things continue unchecked will eventually totally erode your relationship.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

amillionpieces85 said:


> Why what?


If you dont know what I mean by why when you just posted about how ya,ll treat each like that then I am speechless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> If you dont know what I mean by why when you just posted about how ya,ll treat each like that then I am speechless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When I first read your q, my initial answer was "i honestly dont know", because I dont. But I just wasnt too sure if you had a specific reason behind your "why?" or you were simply asking why, so I asked ... 

So, to answer your q, I dont know. If I'd known, I wouldnt be here.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

PinkBeret said:


> Well if you don't miss him anymore that's a huge indicator there! I'm not a fan of divorces as I feel that every problem can be worked on and every couple can achieve that healthy happy marriage. However, I do believe that every marriage -- a very intimate and fragile relationship-- has a time schedule. If you wait too long and too much damage is done or space has come between the two of you, which I'm afraid it has, then it will take more than love or just a desire to want what you used to have to make it work again. It's going to take unconditional love and selflessness until you two can create a loving normalcy for your marriage. And the reason for this is, you no longer have any motivation to have a good relationship with each other and can live without each other. There used to be a need before for each other's love and companionship and that was the motivation...but it seems that need is no longer there or is taking its last breath.
> 
> Though I really feel in your situation that the love can return and the resentments can be removed if you both make a commitment to love each other even when you don't want to. Can you be a wife that respects her husband when he doesn't deserve it? And can your husband be loving to you when you're not lovable? And last question, do you both want to give it another chance?


I really don't know, I just dont. I would love to get into counseling with him, but knowing his ego and his personality, I really do doubt that he would give in. He doesn't think anyone should know of our problems (especially a stranger) and believes through communication we can solve everything. That only lasts for a nano of a second. 
Besides, counseling is out of the q for us now because we are living in different states. 
It's not that I dont miss him, I just dont miss him because I know if I miss him and do look for him we'll end up fighting, so I rather have him away for a few days (no communication) doing whatever the hell it is that he's doing than speaking. Theres just always tension in the air when we speak. I dont trust him, for numerous reasons, he doesnt trust me, for his own reasons too, and that alone is such a HUGE reason for all the tension. 
Ugh, I just feel so lonely. With or without him. Does that makes sense?


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I think you need to say what the issues you fight about are for anyone to give you much insight

This seems like a story with too much missing

I can't even tell if you are separated or if the different states thing is temporary for practical/work/study reasons


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Make a decision to break the cycle. It only takes one persoon to break an impass. If he is acting that way towards you then don't respond in kind. Walk away and say you don't want this twisted relationship. Tell him when he wants to treat you with respect then you will talk. But thhose same rules would have to apply to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I agree with Stonewall. One person can make a difference. I see there is love here and it is salvageable, but you really have to put your ego down just like someone who quits smoking has to make up their mind to change the behavior.

Love is the answer.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Why, if you are like this, will it be better with someone else? Anyone that begins an a discussion or argument aware of the fact that he cannot admit he is wrong and cannot accept constructive criticism from someone that loves him and committed to spend her life with him is simply wrong for engaging in the discussion. 

It is not ego that prevents you from admitting you are wrong, it is pride and self-doubt. If you thought highly of yourself, you would not be afraid to be wrong. If the other person knows you are wrong, and you know you are wrong, then you are sacrificing your dignity for your pride.

Since you are separated anyway, why don't you try writing to each other how you feel, all your frustrations and resentments. Then each of you can write back explaining why you agree or disagree with the other's assessments.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

amillionpieces85 said:


> I dont know what it is exactly. I do know that theres lots of resentment going on. Theres alot of mistrust. And absolutely no communication what so ever. We both have the biggest egos in the world, so when we get into fights we rather die than admit our faults. We argue over the simplest stupidest things, but then go on without speaking to one another for weeks. if he or i get sick, or tired, or cries, or whatever, we immediately rush to be at each others sides, we forget what it was we even fought about, and life just moves on. until another problem occurs.


I'm always amazed at how people can so accurately pinpoint their own problems...but then disregard that knowledge when trying to seek a solution.

First of all *RESENTMENT* is a *HUGE, HUGE *marriage killer...and it's something everyone who values their relationship should guard against, because it builds slowly over time.

While many factors can *plant the seed* for resentment, it's really lack of communication that *makes it grow.*.

And once it's there, smaller and smaller things contribute to increasing it...little habits and quirks that you'd barely notice in a stranger start to irritate you intensely, until the mere presence of one's partner causes feelings of severe anger (even hatred)...at least until some big crisis happens and one realizes that the hate they "imagine" they feel isn't nearly as real or powerful as it seemed

Because anger fueled by resentment is not the same as the hatred felt towards an *actual enemy*...it's caused by some *important person* in our lives* failing to live up to* our _"perception"_ of what their role should be...

e.g., children resenting a father who was never home or their parents who divorced...wives resenting a husband who doesn't make enough money thus failing to be a "provider" etc...

Whatever the causes of your own personal resentments, you must address this problem NOW. And do not make any other serious investments in this marriage (house, kids, etc) until then...because _unresolved_ resentment *ALWAYS* grows larger over time...it *NEVER *decreases...and it's very good that you can already label you negative feelings as "resentment"

So, how to address it? Well, you yourself gave your own blueprint in your OP:

1. Communicate. 

What are the things that you resent about your husband? Can you already see the typical pattern: there were a few major original causes, that are now mixed in with lots of small petty stuff? Tell him those. And have him do the same to you.

2. Your admission that you both have an ego problem impressed me. 

Some inner voice is warning you that your sense of pride is making these fights worse. Why are you ignoring it?

So the next time you fight, rather than stewing in your rage, _"be the bigger person"_ call him and own some of your faults. Sure it can be hard at first. But it'll get easier. And you won't die.  It's very likely that he'll start to admit to some of his own faults too. (people who can take their share of blame, come off as "wise" and generally encourage others to follow their example).

Obviously this distant living problem has to be solved...but I'm pretty sure it's solution is bundled up in the communication and pride points.

Please realize, if you can't make headway over the resentment, your marriage will fail. 

And you don't want to look back thirty years from now and wonder what might've been if you'd just given this your best shot do you?

In fact, I think the reason you're unsure about wanting to divorce is because some part of you knows that you haven't really done that yet

Good Luck!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

amillionpieces85 said:


> Besides, counseling is out of the q for us now because we are living in different states.


Have you considered individual counseling? Since you acknowledge you find it hard to be wrong even when you know deep down you are, I would think this is something you should try to work on, on your own to tear down some of these walls you have built up. The bottom line is that until you do, staying or leaving won't really matter because any future relationship will likely go the same way...starts out all sunshine and roses and when the initial passion fades it will not be replaced by a deeper love because the walls you have put up are preventing you from being fully intimate with your partner.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This doesn't sound like a marriage, it sounds like war.

Schedule a time to talk about your marriage and what you can do to improve it.

Check your egos at the door. Pick your battles wisely. Stop fighting and bickering.

Start loving and communicating. Plan date nights. Be k ind to one another.

Marriage counselling.

Find out what your love languages are and heed them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

amillionpieces85 said:


> I say that too sometimes ... but I do love him, and I do know he loves me too ... but there are deeper issues that need to be addressed that we havent and we lack communication, neither one of us is willing to be the wiser, better one - hence our situation. :/


Someone lied to you about what love is.

Love is not what you have. You are attached to him. Addicted to him, whatever. But it's not love.

Love doesn't treat people that way.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think deep down they do have the love they once knew. Like when a teenager goes through the "hate the parents" stage many of their actions would not be loving, but beneath it all the love is there. The ego misfits is the key. They just need to work through it all.

Reading through this it seems clear to me they are struggling like many of us have and need to make the marriage number one, less egos, more good examples and some good professional counselling.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I was just rereading this:

"I really don't know, I just dont. I would love to get into counseling with him, but knowing his ego and his personality, I really do doubt that he would give in. He doesn't think anyone should know of our problems (especially a stranger) and believes through communication we can solve everything. That only lasts for a nano of a second. "

I find it interesting that you say" he would give in" Its not giving in its both of you trying to make it right when you go to counseling and all the more reason to suggest it. Or is the ego in the way?

The second part about not wanting strangers to know is crazy. Much better to have strangers involved, especially trained professionals than to have those we know who have their own agendas.

I remember my W telling multiple people we both know about our problems and thinking they were all keeping it to themselves. Only a fool would believe when she told one sister that it was not making its way to all the others or one friend not telling others. At the same time she was mad that I was coming here to TAM where nobody knows us. Bizarre!

The least amount of people who knows the better and a professional counselor has an obligation to keep it under wraps.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Sounds like you guys just don't know how to communicate well or resolve conflict. That's fixable, if you both work at it and want to fix it. Find a good marriage counselor to learn how to fix those issues because sometimes it's easier to deal with big egos when you have a neutral third party there to call you both out on your bad behavior. Also, try dating each other again just to try and reconnect in a way that isn't about fighting and power struggles.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

amillionpieces85 said:


> That's what brought me here Pink. It breaks my heart to say it, but I dont miss him. I miss what we used to be. I miss who I thought we were. Before our marriage. But I feel like I can move on without him, and vice versa. It really does break my heart to have come to this realization. I do love him. But the passion is gone. The problems, the degrading, the lashes, they've all taken a toll on me, and I just want for this nightmare to be over.


Well, if it's over for you, then it's over. Just let go and move on. If you wanted to try to work it out, you wouldn't be eager to throw in the towel. However, I think the conflict and dynamic between you both has upset you. I think you should go to IC to see if you can work on some of your own anger and resentment issues so that when you do open up to someone else, you won't end up in a similar trap and repeat this kind of dysfunction in a new relationship. Things won't change without an effort to redirect their pathways.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

moxy said:


> Well, if it's over for you, then it's over. Just let go and move on. If you wanted to try to work it out, you wouldn't be eager to throw in the towel. However, I think the conflict and dynamic between you both has upset you. I think you should go to IC to see if you can work on some of your own anger and resentment issues so that when you do open up to someone else, you won't end up in a similar trap and repeat this kind of dysfunction in a new relationship. Things won't change without an effort to redirect their pathways.


I agree with the above. Without counseling, you could take this sort of behaviour into your next relationship.

It's a pity about your marriage, but if you truly don't see a way forward for you both, then there's little more to be said.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

amillionpieces85 said:


> Thanks guys. Sometimes I just think the root of the problem is so deep that we would just be better off leaving one another, save each other our pride and dignity. Our issues are so deep.
> I come from a background that degrades women to an extreme, and I grew up between women that were just made into wives to sit their @$$es in the kitchen .. that's what I was told as I was growing up "why pursue your education, you'll only end up in the kitchen", so I built huge walls, couldn't trust anyone (men in specific) and did pursue my education and my career. But the one thing is I never, ever let a man get to me. I never let any man tell me that i was "wrong" because of these "men" that i grew up around. tell me I cant and I will. Again, my ego. I really need to work on that. Usually after an argument or fight, when I've calmed down, I'll sit with myself and convince myself that my ego isn't getting me anywhere, that I do love this man, that he hasn't stood against me when it comes to my dreams and career, and that I do need to give in sometimes, it's not wrong that a woman gives every once in a while, and if it's for what's best for us then why not. Then when he approaches me to talk about our problem, the minute he says "you ..." BEFORE he can even continue I'm raging. I dont want to hear it anymore. Even if he is right. I just lash out at him and don't give him a chance to continue. I've never in our 3 years of marriage admitted that I was wrong, even if deep down I knew I was. So, since I do know that I have this ego problem, but it does go back ages, since I was younger, do you really think there's hope for me? I'm really starting to give up ... honestly.


Were there any men around where you grew up? What were they like? What kind of behavior (if any) did you observe from men when you were young?


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

First - thanks all for the advice, this is probably the most counseling i'll be able to get in a long time. number 1 reason - we live in separate states right now, number 2 - I cannot afford it. :/

I've been drained, financially, that's exactly what this relationship has done to me since day one, and honestly, it has really taken a toll on me. All I've been wanting to do is sleep sleep sleep, because I feel like no matter how hard I work, it's useless. I know that sounds really childish, I'm here complaining of my issues, yet sleeping at the same time, but honestly, I feel emotionless and I just want to sleep forever. 

Yellowroses - we fight about anything and everything. The stupidest things ever, and the biggest issues as well. Example, two days ago ... Well first quick recap , we both have been living in different states for 2 months. He moved to Cali because he decided it would be the better state for us, he has family there, told me he'd go ahead, find an apartment, settle down and then I'd go over. Deep down I knew it would be a big mistake, I explained my concerns, but he insisted, said he's the "man of the house, knows what he's doing, knows whats best for us ... blah blah blah" .. i gave in, figured it'll be a couple weeks and I'd follow. I continued my job here, but gave a notice that I'll be leaving, continued "bringing home the bacon" as I have been for most of our relationship. Anything I made, went to him, and towards our "big move". Our apartments lease is to finish this month - he knows that, and he knew he would have to move quickly so I wouldnt be signing another lease in this state while hes signing another lease in Cali. 
So, Im not always on his back, as I do know he has things to do, people to see, interviews to attend, the whole process, I understand it. 
I dont hear from him all day -- 2 nights ago --- then he finally calls me after midnight as Im in bed. And I was missing him. And yes there was resentment as well, I just didnt appreciate him not putting an effort into contacting me, I didnt want to keep calling and coming off as the needy or suspicious wife. He calls, tells me hes coming home from vegas, he'd lost 350, and that he "misses me"... welll, let's just say I wasnt too happy about this. I make all the money, have been making all the money for more than a year now, and this is the time he wants to "prove hisself to me" - we are already having financial issues, which he believed he can resolve by going to vegas, nope doesn't work like that honey. It really pissed me off. AND it hurt. Because I try not to spend, AT ALL, I know how financially draining it can be to move and I dont really think its necassary that he spend his day in Vegas.
I didn't yell, didnt argue, but I did stay quiet throughout our convo. He figured it out, and went off on me. He said i was "selfish, inconsiderate" that I "hate to see him happy" that he lied about vegas that he hadnt even gone, he was just seeing how I'd react. Well, here I am already pissed off at him "losing 350" if he really had- and now to think hmmm, he was lying to me about it, what exactly is his motive? I was pissed, but quiet before. I then became furious and let out everything. I have been bottling up everything for so long, I just couldnt take it anymore, let it all out on him, told him not to contact me, that he was sick, and that I want out and want a divorce. I hung up on him. He called me 30 times within the next hr. I didnt answer. He kept trying, he texted me. I didnt reply. Its been two days, hes calling and hes texting and I dont even have it in me to pick up or reply. Im just ... I feel dead on the inside.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> Make a decision to break the cycle. It only takes one persoon to break an impass. If he is acting that way towards you then don't respond in kind. Walk away and say you don't want this twisted relationship. Tell him when he wants to treat you with respect then you will talk. But thhose same rules would have to apply to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I'm doing now...


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Were there any men around where you grew up? What were they like? What kind of behavior (if any) did you observe from men when you were young?


Of course there were. There were the men of whom I interacted with at school, shops, the community, work. All were different from the men of my family. A good different. Which is what lead to my perspective and way of life. I knew I didnt want to live like my mom and the women of my family. Treated like a maid and piece of meat. So after highschool I did what no other female in my family has done, I went to college, pursued my education, started work, became independent, and knew what I wanted in life. I met my husband 3 years into college, he knew I was "different", knew what I wanted, encouraged me, and was ok with my lifestyle. He still is okay with it. But he thinks I'm too much of a man and need to chill. And I hate to say this, but the only reason I am too much of a man (yes i am) is because I dont feel hes man enough ...


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

This is me said:


> I think deep down they do have the love they once knew. Like when a teenager goes through the "hate the parents" stage many of their actions would not be loving, but beneath it all the love is there. The ego misfits is the key. They just need to work through it all.
> 
> Reading through this it seems clear to me they are struggling like many of us have and need to make the marriage number one, less egos, more good examples and some good professional counselling.


Have you seen "The Notebook"? Did you see the scene where they were arguing and yelling at each other in the streets, running from one another, they'd go back and forth, scream, hit at each other, then make out the very same minute? That's us. When we get along, we get along so well and everyone envies how well we treat each other and how much passion is between us, that's WHEN we get along. And when we fight, maaan, it can get brutal. Real brutal. :/


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

PinkBeret said:


> I recommend Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. You will learn a lot about your spouse and by the end of it, you may just think "wow my spouse isn't a bad person, she/he is simply acting on what is natural to her/him as a woman/man."
> 
> A husband deepest need is respect and a wife's is love. When the husband is unloving, the wife is disrespectful. When the wife is disrespectful, the husband is unloving. It is a vicious cycle.
> 
> Most likely, you argue with your husband because you feel he is being unloving (distant, not empathetic, not willing to make peace with you, not pursuing you). And he argues with you because he feels you are being disrespectful (showing contempt, ungratefulness, tone of voice, nagging, fault finding, blaming etc)...and you two have been in this vicious cycle long enough that is has become a war zone like this.



Pink, thank you so much for continuously coming on my thread and reaching out, I really do appreciate it.

Also, you've nailed it. What you said is exactly what we both say when we sit down to compromise. And that's like once a blue moon. Because when we do communicate it lasts half a minute before one of us is getting angry, defensive and walks off. 
Its been like this for 6 years now ... crazy


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

amillionpieces85 said:


> Have you seen "The Notebook"? Did you see the scene where they were arguing and yelling at each other in the streets, running from one another, they'd go back and forth, scream, hit at each other, then make out the very same minute? That's us. When we get along, we get along so well and everyone envies how well we treat each other and how much passion is between us, that's WHEN we get along. And when we fight, maaan, it can get brutal. Real brutal. :/


It takes two to tango or fight for that matter. I go back to my orginal comment. One can be the good example and it will all end. Being the bigger (man/woman) spouse can send a very nice ripple through the relationship.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

amillionpieces85 said:


> There were the men of whom I interacted with at school, shops, the community, work. All were different from the men of my family.


So men who are not family are OK and men who are family are not OK. Doesn't bode well for your husband. If and when you can find your way to forgive the men of your family for being the people they are and all the bad stuff they have done then you will be at starting place for working things out with your husband.

My wife comes from a family history of multi-generational male alcoholism. She could have written your opening post. Like some kind of Geiger counter, her marital dissatisfaction zooms whenever she is around these people


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Unhappy2011 said:


> I really don't get the arguing for pride's sake.
> 
> Or refusing to admit you are wrong even when you are. Or just wanting to win or be right, even when you're not.


Part and parcel of the narcissisticly defended personality


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

Do you think your affair might be at the core of your issues?


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Wanting a Strong Marriage said:


> Do you think your affair might be at the core of your issues?


Yes. One of multiple reasons. He's only known about my affair for a year now. My affair happened before we got married and we've been married for 3 years. He's also had affairs. After our marriage. Non-physical, online affairs. See, that's what I'm talking about. There's just too much on our plate. Too much to mend. :/


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> So men who are not family are OK and men who are family are not OK. Doesn't bode well for your husband. If and when you can find your way to forgive the men of your family for being the people they are and all the bad stuff they have done then you will be at starting place for working things out with your husband.
> 
> My wife comes from a family history of multi-generational male alcoholism. She could have written your opening post. Like some kind of Geiger counter, her marital dissatisfaction zooms whenever she is around these people



I don't speak to the "men" of my family. I want nothing to do with them either.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

amillionpieces85 said:


> I don't speak to the "men" of my family. I want nothing to do with them either.


Understandable. Carrying this baggage into your marriage and holding on to it is not going to work. You may have to choose between your marriage and your baggage


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Understandable. Carrying this baggage into your marriage and holding on to it is not going to work. You may have to choose between your marriage and your baggage



I def chose my marriage over them, and would choose my marriage (a happy one) over them any given day. How do I get rid of this "baggage" though?


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Here's the thing, previously, when we'd fight or argue, I would ask him not to contact me (not that I mean it) and he'd still fight for me, still fight for us, and I would give in. Because it's what I wanted. Now though, it's almost been a week since Ive asked him not to contact me, he still does, through texts, for the lamest reasons though (if i checked the mail, if anything came in for him) ... and I usually don't answer unless it's something that involves him, and when I do, it's very get-to-the-point answer. Has he given up too?


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

PinkBeret said:


> I didn't know you guys had affairs...sorry I don't have advice to give you regarding this...best of luck to you and I hope that things will work out!


No need to be sorry. Your advice has already been very helpful. I do appreciate it and do hope we can work things out as well.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

amillionpieces85 said:


> I def chose my marriage over them, and would choose my marriage (a happy one) over them any given day. How do I get rid of this "baggage" though?


Forgiveness is the key to dumping one's baggage. Heaven only knows how much we have been hurt, disrespected or treated unfairly by our parents and other important members of our family of origin. I'm sure they had/have their reasons or they just plain don't care or understand, but it still hurts. To the extent that we hold on to that hurt, judge them, blame them and harbor ill feelings toward them, we damage ourselves especially in our ability to create and maintain intimate relationships as adults. Things our partners do trigger these old hurts and we blow up, ostensibly over nothing.

Only after we can find our way to forgive our parents and other important relatives for all the awful stuff they have done and said to us, only then can we apply the full goodness of our personalities to our marriage partners. And I would like to ask anyone who grew up without any emotional trauma, without being in any way hurt or emotionally damaged to send me an email because I'd really like to talk to them.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

I'm working on that - I'm working on forgiveness and I'm getting there. Its been a long journey ...


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Pink - I really appreciate the way you've stood with me through this on here - this really means alot to me. 
Update - My husband and I went at it again 2 nights ago. We let everything out on each other. The truth of the matter is, like I said before, I really do love him. And don't want to lose him. And I know he feels the same way too. The q was if we had it in us to actually fix everything between us. We are trying. We fought and made up two nights ago. He's still away and he wants me to join him in Cali asap. I told him we'd talk some more, communicate some more while we were away from on another, and soon enough I will be with him. I dont want him to get used to not having me around, and vice versa. I think a couple could go to hell and back together, but if they had it in them to fix everything, they could. We're trying.
Thanks again!


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

you get what you put out

why do you stay?

maybe you should leave.


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