# Five Love Languages - speaking AND listening



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Had some spare time and did some thinking.

If you don't know the background to this already, there's a book Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.

Maybe I haven't done enough of my own reading but it seems to me that there are TWO facets to each of those five languages. It’s our responsibility to speak in a language other people understand to get our message across. There are TWO parts to language – speaking and comprehension.

If my partner, colleague, babysitter, etc doesn’t understand Korean, I would not go around trying to initiate discussions or tell them anything important in that language. If they only speak Spanish to me, I would not understand anything they were telling me. If neither of us made an effort to use the other language, we’d never accomplish anything together.

This is where that Love Languages facet thing comes in. You have to be aware of what YOU use to demonstrate your love, and you also have to be aware of what you like to receive from your partner to internalize their love for you. You also have to speak to your partner about love in a language THEY understand, and recognize when they are trying to express love in THEIR own language. So for a good marriage, you need all FOUR of those things going.

If the man gives love through touch, the woman has to understand that him touching her and trying to initiate sex is not about his physical pleasure, it’s about him demonstrating love. If the woman doesn’t understand this, she just feels groped all the time and that he treats her body as a tool for him to use. She won’t feel loved.

If the woman receives love through acts of service, she feels loved when her partner does his fair share around the house and extras for her. If the man slacks off on housework or tends to leave home reno projects unfinished, she won’t feel loved.

If the woman gives love through quality time, she expresses her love by wanting to be around the man all the time, and wanting them to go everywhere together. If the man doesn’t understand this, he just feels smothered and annoyed by her constant presence. He won’t feel loved.

If the man gives love through gifts, he may frequently bring flowers, trinkets, appliances, chocolate for her. If she doesn’t understand this, she may be annoyed at the expense of the flowers all the time, feel the knick knacks are cluttering up the house, think that appliances mean he wants her to work harder in the kitchen, and be disappointed that he’s not supportive of her attempts to lose weight. She won’t feel loved.

If the woman gives love through words of affirmation, she may always be talking about how great he is, how much she loves him, how she finds him attractive, etc, but he won’t believe it if she doesn’t follow it up with action that matches what he likes to receive. He won’t feel loved.

If the man receives love through quality time, but his wife likes to keep busy with the house, the children and her job and hobbies, he will feel low priority in her life and feel neglected. He won’t feel loved.

If the woman receives love through words of affirmation, but her husband tends to be uncommunicative and not talk about his emotions, she’ll doubt his feelings for her. She won’t feel loved.

If the woman gives love through acts of service, she may work hard to keep the house spotless and have gourmet dinner ready when he comes home from work. But if he loves simple mac ‘n cheese just as much as roast chicken with all the trimmings and would prefer to unwind from work in front of the TV before eating, he won’t feel loved.

I could go on and on with examples of love language incompatibility. Even the HD/LD divide (except when medical) is fundamentally a difference in the love language of touch. The HD person is one who gives AND receives love through touch, while the LD is someone for whom it’s much further down on the scale. They simply can't understand the message, nor can they communicate well in it.

There’s also an unfortunate dynamic where people feel that expressing love in a way that doesn’t come naturally to them only needs to be done for a limited time. So if you need to receive touch, your partner may provide sexual activity long enough to prove they love you, then assume that now you know, those efforts don’t need to be kept up. If you need to receive gifts, your partner may initially provide a sufficient supply to demonstrate their affection and devotion, then slow down or stop because you’ve been ‘won.’

I think the best marriages must be those who have compatible love languages, where each partner likes to give the same thing their partner likes to receive. Anything else leads to resentment building up over time unless the partners put in great effort at communication.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There really is no incompatibility with regard to love languages. 

Know what your spouse's top love languages are and meet them. 

It doesn't matter how YOU speak love. It matter how your love is heard.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> There really is no incompatibility with regard to love languages.
> 
> Know what your spouse's top love languages are and meet them.
> 
> It doesn't matter how YOU speak love. It matter how your love is heard.


I had a motorcycle accident that almost amputated my left leg at the knee....It left me in the hospital for 21 days, in a hip cast for 8 months, and on crutches for over 2 years...That was in 1969....

So of course my wife's primary love language is "acts of service"....And most of them include things like picks, shovels, post hole diggers, etc....Laying tile was agony, but I did it...I cut the grass, but that doesn't count because it is a rider...

My language is touch...So to make my happy, a 2-3 hour lovemaking session would be great.....For her, 4 hours of digging out old azelia bushes in 98 degree heat.....Not compatible, and NOT FAIR....

Also, her reply to the new Lincoln I recently bought was...crickets...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@Woodchuck, ummm it sounds like your wife's love language is closer to act of masochism than acts of service.

I mean really, what kind of wife insists her husband do a home project that will put him in physical pain?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> @Woodchuck, ummm it sounds like your wife's love language is closer to act of masochism than acts of service.
> 
> I mean really, what kind of wife insists her husband do a home project that will put him in physical pain?


She sort of "forgets" that I have pain on a daily basis....I pressure washed the front walk by sitting on a stool, and inching forward a bit at a time, took 4 hours....I dug a stump out of the back yard, by sitting on a stool to swing a pick, shovel, post hole digger, and chainsaw....it took about 4 hours a day for 4 days....I might add it was not appreciated..... built a retaining wall brick platform on the patio for the fountain I bought her...I might add I lavish money on this woman like an oriental potentate....She still gets pissed that I can't do mundane daily physical tasks....I ask her to take a day trip to some really beautiful local areas...Naaaa.......Google Calico Rock Arkansas for an example....She wonders why I say my life sucks...


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I too suffer with chronic pain (spine) & one of my major love languages is touch (I wonder if the 2, CP & touch are related?). Just to be held & kissed relaxes my body, relieves my anxiety & reduces my pain. If I'm physically rejected its soul destroying. 

I try so hard not to talk about my pain. I'm sick & tired of it do I bet my H is too! It's all too easy for our loved ones to forget how much harder EVERYTHING is for us to do as a result of our injuries. 

After my H's affair (recent) we did the 'Love Languages' quiz but both of us just came out as a mix of everything. I wonder if you do it when emotions are high & raw it doesn't work as well? I understand it working if one partner comes out 'Acts of Service' & the other 'gifts' it's easy to implement. My results basically screamed 'Anything!' would make me feel loved!

I'm sorry. I'm too much of a mess to really offer any advise. I just wanted to show support. I know how incredibly hard life with chronic pain is. Throw-in a neglectful partner & life sucks! I'm sorry


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

BrokenLady said:


> I too suffer with chronic pain (spine) & one of my major love languages is touch (I wonder if the 2, CP & touch are related?). Just to be held & kissed relaxes my body, relieves my anxiety & reduces my pain. If I'm physically rejected its soul destroying.
> 
> I try so hard not to talk about my pain. I'm sick & tired of it do I bet my H is too! It's all too easy for our loved ones to forget how much harder EVERYTHING is for us to do as a result of our injuries.
> 
> ...


I am really sorry to hear about your pain, physical and otherwise...My wife has chronic pain from neuropathy, and some back and shoulder problems (bone spurs)..It seems like that is all we talk about.....

My leg and knee were shattered to the point that there is no way to replace the knee joint, but I never mention pain..... 

I am taking a pain killer that is very expensive, but which works very well for me....I recently stopped for a month, with no adverse symptoms....It costs $200 a month, and my wife is always throwing up the cost to me...

She has to be reminded to touch me, and is hypercritical about even very minor things....Like she can't stand it when she hears my cane hit the wall when I put it up at night.....

I don't want to degenerate into a pity party here, so lets try to think about something positive....Google Calico rock Arkansas and see some beautiful river scenery and a really old and quaint river town.....


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

On a note of reinforcing the positivity, if you want to see something truly stunning, google Eilean Donan castle - the photograph with the snow on the mountains gives an idea what this magical place is like. 

I was there last month. :smile2:


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Drive by posting hopeful?

I think he makes some good points. Just understanding what the love languages are preferred doesn't help unless you change your behavior. I'm not sure the speaker is the only one who can change. I find my self reminding myself from time to time that, oh she is expressing love. Making food is an act of love for her. And she is very frustrated with my new diet. She doesn't know how to make what I'm eating. I turned down breakfast this morning because I wasn't feeling well, so I had to explain why I didn't want to eat.

Anyway she is coming around to the idea that I need quality time. This weekend was a real challenge. She agreed that it would be good to go with me on a hike. But then she got nervous about being able to do the actual walking. So she started putting up road blocks. A nice Flat hike? With shade and interesting things to see. I spent a few hours searching. Found a 2 mile trail with only 300 feet of climb. but only a little shade and on the dry side of the mountain. But there were trees. Which was better than the other alternative. Then the morning arrived and she cracked out a to do list. It was pretty much an all day list that was growing by the minute. I just said, "well I have a one hour obligation this morning then we need to stop by your friends event then after lunch we will go to this trail. So she hit the list for that hour. And we went. Once we got out of the car and into the woods she started enjoying herself. She took several pictures. (to remind me that I never bring back pictures).

My point is that it is not easy to change your spoken language. It is natural to resist. And you need to be patient and persistent, as you partner goes through these changes. 
MN


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> My language is touch...So to make my happy, a 2-3 hour lovemaking session would be great.....For her, 4 hours of digging out old azelia bushes in 98 degree heat.....Not compatible, and NOT FAIR....
> 
> .



I will gladly trade it the other way around.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> Drive by posting hopeful?


Not intentionally, but I didn't expect it to be derailed into a discussion on chronic pain. Which sucks, I agree.

I think it's much harder than people think to have to 'speak' a love language that doesn't come naturally. And the idea of putting in effort to understand and speak to your partner dovetails into the common dilemma of nobody wanting to be the first to change to break out of a circle of unmet needs.

If my partner learns to speak MY received love language and understand MY given love language, then it doesn't matter what my ex's languages are and I don't have to put work into this relationship!

Better to find someone compatible from the start, I think.

My ex used to leave things lying around the house half done and never put away all the time. And some of these things were dangerous! Drove me CRAZY, and I built up a lot of resentment for all the extra chores I had to do, compensating for a messy, lazy spouse. In marriage counselling I learned it was done on PURPOSE because that's what made my ex feel loved, having me run around finishing and cleaning everything up. Made me feel completely UNLOVED, let me tell you.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There's no such thing as defined languages - it's a mix whose recipe varies. Trying to pigeonhole all people into one or two is counterproductive at best.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

I just took the quiz for this and I had split results (words of affirmations and receiving gifts)....not surprised for Hs results (physical touch). I already knew what Hs results would be and that is what I have always struggled with... giving and receiving. Physical touch barely even registered on my scale....and receiving gifts did not register on Hs scale. 

:\


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> I just took the quiz for this and I had split results (words of affirmations and receiving gifts)....not surprised for Hs results (physical touch). I already knew what Hs results would be and that is what I have always struggled with... giving and receiving. Physical touch barely even registered on my scale....and receiving gifts did not register on Hs scale.
> 
> :\


Ha, this is what happened with my wife and I too. She scored a zero on mine, physical touch and I scored a zero on hers, acts of service. She doesn't care to learn to speak my love language either, she does better now in receiving it though. :|

How does one know what language they communicate in? I didn't see a separate test or anything. I just thought that I communicated and received in physical touch.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Slow Hand said:


> Ha, this is what happened with my wife and I too. She scored a zero on mine, physical touch and I scored a zero on hers, acts of service. She doesn't care to learn to speak my love language either, she does better now in receiving it though. :|
> 
> How does one know what language they communicate in? I didn't see a separate test or anything. I just thought that I communicated and received in physical touch.


I'll admit, it has been difficult for me to initiate physical touch. I have gotten way better at receiving though.

From what I gathered, you mostly speak in the love language you want to receive. Which makes perfect sense to me, because I LOVE giving people gifts and giving kudos!


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