# Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless



## JennyNYC (Mar 19, 2017)

Hi - 

I have been married for over 11 years, and we have been together for about 17 years. We do not have any children. We work together out of our house. 

A couple of months ago my husband told me that he cares about me, but is not in love with me. That he views me as a business partner more than anything. During a heated argument in days following, he said he was done. He later apologized for that. But I think it might really be the case. 

I can see how he feels this way for how things have been, but it still is breaking my heart. He doesn't know if it can change at this point, and he said he doesn't want to force feelings/actions that aren't naturally occurring. 

Since then it has been awful and things feel even worse. I just moved out for a trial separation for a couple of months to give him time/space to figure out what he wants. I feel so alone, and hopeless. I don't see how his feelings will change about me without taking any kind of action. He did see a counsellor, and she advised that he needs to work on himself and see what makes him happy. But there doesn't seem to be anything specific he will be doing, and he doesn't believe in self help books, etc.

I haven't told any of my family (they live in another state), because I don't want them to worry for now, or judge should we end up working it out. I have a couple of friends who know, but they have families and busy lives, and I don't want to impose. I am terrible company at this time because my emotions get the best of me at times unexpectedly.

I just don't know what to do with myself...and I feel like I am just waiting for the final shoe to drop. Any advice on how to cope during this? 

Thank you


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He wants space to explore other women.

File for divorce, make the decision for him. He thinks he is going to run off and act single, while you sit and wait for him to come home. NOPE.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JennyNYC said:


> I can see how he feels this way for how things have been


Please elaborate. How have things been. What are the underlying problems.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think he's not considering your feelings and neither are you. It's all wait and see how he feels. I think you file and force him to up the ante. This isn't just his decision, you have a say in this to.


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## schreyerlawfirm (Mar 21, 2017)

Wait for the response. Giving him space was a good thought. keep in touch with him but not so often. By this time you should also enjoy this space. Cheers!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am sorry but most of the time when a spouse says they care about you or love you, but are not IN love with you, it means they have met someone else. They are comparing their feelings for their husband or wife with the unrealistic and heady but finite feelings they are getting from an illicit affair.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

File for D and move on.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

You need to get on for you, keep yourself busy, throw yourself into a hobby or a new activity, get out and about and take yourself away from the memory triggers. When possible switch your thoughts to yourself, your life, your wants, your wishes. Only when you feel strong within yourself should you take up time to address any conversation with him, don't await by the phone for his call, his message this will only make you jumpy every time it goes off and you will end up dreading the sound of it, trust me I know I have been there and done it.

You need to concentrate on you, I completely understand how it hurts and feels hopeless, have been there and felt that, but take it day by day and it will get better, that I can promise, and at some point, however it may turn out, you will be able to look back and think on yourself as a better person. When it is too much just vent, put it all out on here or with a friend or however it feels easier.

Take care.


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## JennyNYC (Mar 19, 2017)

Thank you for your replies.

I see some advice to file for divorce...I don't want a divorce. I want my marriage, and my husband to love me. Perhaps this will not be the case, but I agreed to this separation/time-out period and I will honor it. Part of what is so painful is that I know what I want, but I am powerless to do anything in this situation other than wait and see what he decides. Which makes me feel pretty pathetic as well. 

I read through a lot of posts on the forum, and I see the trend of there being someone else. He does have a newer friend who is female, he swears it is just friendship. She lives with her boyfriend and has children, so I don't think that is something he would be pursuing, though I guess he could have a crush/be attracted to her. I know as I type this, I am going to get replies that I should wake up and that it is more than that...and yes it could be, I don't think so though. If anything, I think he is going through a mid life crisis (45), and is questioning his life. He has a cousin same age who recently divorced and is having fun, dating new people, etc. 

I am definitely trying to stay busy. I workout regularly, and have been continuing that, and am trying to make plans with friends, join new social groups, try new things. Its tough because this is on my mind constantly and I am sleeping very little, which makes me even more zombie like. And I find myself wanting to avoid long time friends who know us both, as I don't want to tell them, and it is difficult to pretend all is fine. 

I wish there was a switch I could flip to turn off certain feelings and thoughts! I guess I never gave it much thought before, but I cannot believe how incredibly painful this is.

Thanks for listening.


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## mjsquatch (Jan 25, 2017)

Jenny, I feel so sorry for you and hope you are doing alright. How is he behaving toward you now? Do you still have a lot of contact. If you do, you may want to shut it down completely, or at least to a bare minimum to only discuss finances and other necessities. He needs to know what life truly feels like without you. No contact would also help you prepare for the possibility of life without him. Its possible to get tied up in endless cycles of emotional manipulation and negotiations otherwise. So I say no contact for at least a couple of months and then ask him if he's made up his mind. If the answer is anything less than yes he wants to be married and work hard to improve things, file immediately.


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## JennyNYC (Mar 19, 2017)

Thanks mjsquatch. That is exactly what I have done, is to move out and have no contact. I just moved out this weekend, and it is supposed to be for 2 months. We do work for the same employer, so there is occasionally a need to discuss a mutual project via email. But that is being kept to a minimum, and only business.

He hasn't tried contacting me (other than those work emails). As I was preparing to move out, it was of course pretty tense. I was heartbroken and couldn't help crying a lot (can't control these tears lately!), and I just think he feels bad/guilty for the pain he sees me in. We don't have any animosity really because it isn't like there was a big horrible event (affair, abuse, etc.), except at times I get so angry because I feel he just doesn't want to try to make it work. I believe loving feelings can come back if the right effort is made. But you can't really argue with someone saying they are not in love with you...


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

What agreement do the two of you have regarding seeing others during this separation? If you have not set forth your expectations for that, he may see it as the chance to live the single life for a couple months and he will say it is not cheating. You might want to be sure it is stated that the separation does not include dating others if that is what you expect from him - that you are still married which means your vows still apply.


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## JennyNYC (Mar 19, 2017)

We talked before I left and both agreed no dating and no physical touch of any kind with others. He also told me he wouldn't have anyone (friends) over to our house.

I do think he wants to feel single though. I could see him going out with a friend or friends that include other women, that wouldn't be a date necessarily... I don't like it, but I can't prevent him from having any socialization. I just made myself laugh a little typing this, I think this is cheering me up! 

Basically, I tried to get across the point that in case we want to make this work, please don't do anything that will cause more problems. If we don't stay together, you have your whole life to do whatever you want.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

What is the plan of action for fixing the marriage if he does decide he wants to get back together?

What is your plan of action if he decides that he really is done?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

JennyNYC said:


> Basically, I tried to get across the point that in case we want to make this work, please don't do anything that will cause more problems. If we don't stay together, you have your whole life to do whatever you want.


OP keep in mind that neediness or weakness is not attractive. You do not want him to come back because he pities you or feels bad. You'll be right back to square one. Think carefully about your interaction with him during this separation. You said there were issues before he admitted that he views you as a business partner. What are you doing now to improve yourself and figure out how you contributed to these problems? You need to get across that you don't 'need' him, that you can be happy without him, that you're strong, you're valuable...


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## JennyNYC (Mar 19, 2017)

Good question Keke 24. 

If he wants to stay together, we are going to have to talk about what we are going to do to make it better. He didn't want to discuss it right now. I am hoping he will have a decision before the full 2 months is up. If he wants us to work it out, then I want us to have some discussions about that prior to me moving back in. I can't accept that he wants me back just because he was lonely, or single life wasn't that fun after all...he was to want to love me. I deserve that, and don't want to spend more years without it.

If he really is done? Well, no choice on that one. We divorce, and move on with our lives. We will still be working for the same employer for now. I won't be leaving my job, but he could decide to try something different as he hasn't been very happy in his position for a long time. I am not a vengeful person, nor is he, so I believe we will manage for work. Of course, once he is dating someone else, that could certainly make my emotions go haywire, though I hope I am able to remain professional and be above it. I can scream and yell and cry as much as I want behind closed doors. I work from home, so its not like I have to see him face to face. And is this crazy? I would hope that we can be friends of some sort eventually. I have lived with him and worked with him for 17 years. We started as friends before that. I can't imagine having him out of my life altogether. Maybe this is not realistic though.

I actually can't stop thinking about what happens if he is done. That consumes my thoughts, that is what has me unable to sleep. Maybe because I want to prepare for the worst. Maybe I know in my heart that is where it is headed (thus the hopeless feeling).


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is there any reason why you have to be the one to move out when its not you who wants the separation?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JennyNYC said:


> Thank you for your replies.
> 
> I see some advice to file for divorce...I don't want a divorce. I want my marriage, and my husband to love me. Perhaps this will not be the case, but I agreed to this separation/time-out period and I will honor it. Part of what is so painful is that I know what I want, but I am powerless to do anything in this situation other than wait and see what he decides. Which makes me feel pretty pathetic as well.
> 
> ...


Where has he met this new friend and do you know her? Remember people with children cheat all the time.


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## JennyNYC (Mar 19, 2017)

I actually wanted to go.

I have seen the friend, she is a waitress. I do not "know" her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JennyNYC said:


> I actually wanted to go.
> 
> I have seen the friend, she is a waitress. I do not "know" her.


 Ok so how has he got to know her?


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## JennyNYC (Mar 19, 2017)

He is a regular there so they just started chatting. 

I know it sounds awful. It is awful. 

If he decides he wants to work things out between us, that friendship either has to end, or it has to be one where we do things as a couple with her and her boyfriend, and I can see all communication that they have. Otherwise, I am not going back.

Perhaps I sound like a crazy jealous person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JennyNYC said:


> He is a regular there so they just started chatting.
> 
> I know it sounds awful. It is awful.
> 
> ...


I wonder if you can talk to her boyfriend. He might know more of what is going on.

It does sound like your husband left to have an affair. You may have agreed to him having some space/time. but did you agree to an affair and/or dating other people?


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## HD48 (Jan 14, 2017)

Jenny, I certainly understand what you're going through, as my wife and I have had much difficulty over the past 5-6 years within our own marriage, as we've been married now for 23 years. It has involved 3 different separations during that time. There have been a multitude of issues that have come to the surface between us, on both of our parts, so it's equal there, and it has been a difficult thing to go through. Currently, we've been separated consecutively for 2 years. I have my own place, and she remains in our home with our three remaining children who still live at home. I continue to provide 100% financially for both myself and our family, and she has gone back to school as well. We have worked together to coparent our children and try to minimize the size of the hole this has created in their lives. It has been a roller coaster.

I applaud you for wanting to save the marriage, if it is salvageable, which certainly is a case by case issue. Despite everything my wife and I have been through AND the large amount of time, we continue to try to work through things as well. Progress is very very slow, and we've both been receiving professional counseling for our own things as well as together. Our real quest is for healthy intimacy, and we're trying to find it. In the middle of everything we were going through, my wife became an alcoholic, and she gained a lot of weight. I lost attraction for her. I stopped thinking of her as a sexual being, so to speak. I couldn't imagine myself with her intimately anymore. It was just one thing in the plethora of things, but it has been difficult for me to get past. I can honestly say now, as a 40-something year old guy, who's healthy and active, and who really strives to take care of himself physically and otherwise, that, as a man, I MUST have physical attraction for my wife. That HAS to come back. If it doesn't, then our intimacy will be incomplete. I have to be able to think about her and lust after her in a good way, on top of the admiration I have for her as a person. 

Having said all of that, I definitely agree with Keke. You have to adjust and make a transition to this new normal for you, not really knowing what the future holds. I don't know what is going on with your husband, but the fact that he's really not communicating with you does say that his interest is low it would seem. In your mind, it is important for you to take care of yourself, and not worry about him. As far as he knows, you've moved on. Get your groove back, be confident, not defeated. Take care of yourself in what you eat, how much you sleep, and exercise. When you communicate with him, make sure he gets the indication that you've mentally accepted things as they are, and that you're a strong and capable woman. As I alluded to earlier, in my own situation, the physical realm for a guy is huge, and sex is huge. I don't know if there's attraction between you guys, or how your sex life has been, but I know if there's no interest there on my part, then it's hard to get past that. What comprises a healthy sex life for each couple and person certainly is not uniform, and how important it is, because as we all know, as we get older, companionship and friendship take on much much larger roles. But I think the physical bond in the years of youth and until you get old is irreplaceable. I would like to know more as to what issues you guys may have from being able to enjoy real, robust intimacy. Has it ever been there? Does he have some underlying set of issues which prevent that?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JennyNYC said:


> He is a regular there so they just started chatting.
> 
> I know it sounds awful. It is awful.
> 
> ...


So why does he go and eat so much without you? 

No you are not a crazy jealous person, your husband has left, you have every reason to be suspicious.


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## JennyNYC (Mar 19, 2017)

We agreed to no dating during separation and no physical contact of any kind with others. I realize he could violate this agreement. But I have to assume he will honor it. What more can I do?

I don't know if her boyfriend knows that they are friends. He might, he might not. I have no way of knowing. I don't know who he is.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

People recommend books a lot around here. I usually don't, I usually think they're a waste of time. However in your case I'd like to recommend a book called "Mating in Captivity". One of the points she makes in the book is that Eros needs distance. Living and working together for all those years, probably not a great idea. Not much mystery to be had.

I also noticed that you ignored the question about 



JennyNYC said:


> I can see how he feels this way for how things have been


what exactly does this mean? Also, how's your sex drive? Were you two doing it at least a few times a week?


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## JennyNYC (Mar 19, 2017)

Intimacy has been an issue. I will admit that my weight has fluctuated at points in our marriage. And when I gain weight, I don't feel good about myself. And he doesn't admit it, but I am pretty positive he loses attraction at that time as well - which I actually understand. So it turns into no intimacy. I don't initiate, and neither does he. Bad, I know. This is why I realize that I have damaged our marriage, perhaps beyond recovery. That is why I say I understand him viewing me as a business partner. And that is why I realize that this friendship with another woman, although bothers me a lot, is not the root problem. It is a result of the problems.

A few years ago, I thought that is it. I am going to be healthy for me and him. I worked out, ate right, and was in the best shape of my life. And guess what, I found out that I love exercise, I love the challenge, and I made a ton of healthy, positive friends who also believe in living a healthy lifestyle. No way was I ever gaining weight again!

I had an injury last fall that made it impossible for me to exercise. This happened shortly after a vacation we had taken - which by the way was amazing and tons of intimacy. But with the injury I was in a lot of pain, couldn't workout, no intimacy, I was very depressed. And of course I then gained some weight, and lost a lot of my hard earned muscle.

So fast forward to this year. I am able to start working out again, not as much as I like, and I have to modify a lot as I do still have some pain and certain movements make it worse. But I am feeling better and know I will get back to where I was. I am probably 10 pounds (or less) heavier than what is considered a healthy weight for my height. However, I am short - so 10 pounds is more visible on me than on someone who is tall. 

I gave all of this detail because you asked about attraction, etc. The thing is, and this is what absolutely shattered me, my husband told me he hasn't felt in love with me for years. I could have understood since the fall when the injury occurred. But even in the best shape of my life, he didn't feel it. 

So, I am 90% sure we are done. Even giving us 10% chance of reconciliation might be wishful thinking...


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## JennyNYC (Mar 19, 2017)

Yes, working and living together has probably been a big problem as well. If we reconcile, I think we need to figure something out. If we continue with the same employer, then one of us needs to work from a different location. That may mean renting a space somewhere, but if it helps our marriage it is worth it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

JennyNYC said:


> The thing is, and this is what absolutely shattered me, my husband told me he hasn't felt in love with me for years.




In technical terms, this is what you call bull ****. 

It's rewriting history to justify his current feelings. Maybe when you got back in shape and upped the intimacy he decided he never wanted to go back to the way it was. It's not uncommon to have a short fuse boundary after experiencing long wanted improvements.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JennyNYC said:


> Yes, working and living together has probably been a big problem as well. If we reconcile, I think we need to figure something out. If we continue with the same employer, then one of us needs to work from a different location. That may mean renting a space somewhere, but if it helps our marriage it is worth it.


I agree with the suggestion of you reading the book *Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence* by Esther Perel

Also, were it me, it would be doing what I could to find out if he's cheating. Because if he is, I would consider the request for space/time so he could cheat a HUGE betrayal.


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## JennyNYC (Mar 19, 2017)

Yes, I think you are right on about the short fuse in this area. But if I look honestly at the last few years, I didn't feel a lot of love/affection from him. 

That was my complaint. He is a more quiet person, rarely compliments me, and is not affectionate in the sense of just hugging, kissing, touching. When I would try to talk with him about this, he would just say that is not the type of person he is. So, maybe the truth is that he hasn't had these feelings for me in a long, long time.

Yes, it would be a huge betrayal if he were cheating. I can't really focus on what he might be doing right now though. As everyone says, I need to focus on myself. I am typically a really happy, positive person and want to live a happy life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JennyNYC said:


> Yes, I think you are right on about the short fuse in this area. But if I look honestly at the last few years, I didn't feel a lot of love/affection from him.
> 
> That was my complaint. He is a more quiet person, rarely compliments me, and is not affectionate in the sense of just hugging, kissing, touching. When I would try to talk with him about this, he would just say that is not the type of person he is. So, maybe the truth is that he hasn't had these feelings for me in a long, long time.
> 
> Yes, it would be a huge betrayal if he were cheating. I can't really focus on what he might be doing right now though. As everyone says, I need to focus on myself. I am typically a really happy, positive person and want to live a happy life.


I agree that you need to be focusing mostly on yourself. 

My experience is that needing space means cheating. So I would also put some time into finding out if he's cheating. But that's me.


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