# i love my husband but he's bad in bed, no chemistry



## tiredofbeingsad

I am worn out and heartbroken. My handsome husband of ten years, who I love so much, has never had a huge sex drive, but it's reached an all-time low. I am devastated and desperate- and he thinks everything is fine! Plus - oh, I feel so awful saying this- he is bad in bed.  Please help, or share your experience so I know I'm not alone- of course I think it's mostly men who have this issue. What do I even do with that

I'm considered really attractive, men stare at me wherever I go, and I've kept myself in good shape. I don't harp on him, I don't diminish him as a man verbally, I build him up constantly to let him know I think he's an amazing person- I've tried to analyze anything I might be doing that pushes him away from me as a person, trying to understand why he isn't excited to have sex with me. 

I should mention, we've also had separate bedrooms for 6 years due to his insomnia. He says he likes having his own space- again, he's fine with how things are- but I feel like I'm dying inside from everything this represents about our lack of intimacy. And the literal lack.

He is very shy and conservative, sexually. Believe it or not, unheard of in this day and age, we waited until our wedding night to sleep together. I know, I know, I can feel the comments coming already... but it's what we felt was right at the time. We weren't virgins, we just wanted to do it differently with each other, based on our religious beliefs and feeling in good faith we were doing the right thing and making up for past mistakes. Well the wedding night was a major disappointment- but I figured it would improve as we got to know each other sexually. It didn't.  

Truthfully our chemistry has never been right and I knew it from that first night- but you always hope things can change when you love the person so much. He doesn’t even like to kiss. What the hell?? I used to get so turned on with other men, just from making out like teenagers, but when I try to get my husband to, Honestly, heartbreakingly, I feel nothing.

I have a really healthy sex drive. It isn't obsessive or anything but I really enjoy sex (at least I used to, in other relationships) and I don't feel apologetic about it. He rarely initiates anything with me- we have sex maybe every 4-6-8 weeks, which to me is horrible for two young, attractive, childless people. And the worst part is, that when it finally does happen, although I've been waiting and wishing for so long leading up to it, once it's happening I end up thinking to myself, Why did i miss this again...?! It's really bad for me. This is rough, but... my husband has no idea how to touch a woman's body. NO CLUE. There are men who take pleasure in your pleasure- most men, dammit!- but my husband is not one of them. He pulls at my body like a two year old would, fumbling, doing things I've repeatedly asked him to please not do, and he seems half-hearted about the whole experience besides. Even in my frustration, I try to gently and sexily encourage him, telling and showing what I like- I know making him feel bad would be counterproductive for both of us. But by the next time, he's completely forgotten and/or disregarded. Plus he has a PE problem, he only lasts about 2 minutes, (unless he's been drinking, but dear god, I don't want to have one or both of us have to be drunk to have passable sex!) So, seriously, fumbling or nonexistent foreplay, 2 minutes of basic in-out action, and not even cuddling after. He tends to leave the room right after. I am losing my mind. I've bought toys to try to take care of myself as best I can, but I always cry after, wishing it had been him. 

I've approached the subject of course- This issue keeps coming up for me, it's not just going to go away. We always end up in a big fight, even though I try like crazy to not accuse him or put him in a defensive position. It never goes well. My requests and suggestions aren't taken well; He feels wrong about using toys, and has no desire to experiment like I do. I would try anything he wants, with enthusiasm (!) but he just doesn't have the same mind-set. I don't get it!!! Don't most men have a desire to please their woman sexually? Don't most healthy young guys, like, LIVE for it?? He is such a giver when it comes to things and finances and he's a great provider but i cannot make sense of what's wrong with him sexually, or what's wrong with me that he doesn't crave me.

So now, over the years I've settled for our love life mostly consisting of me giving my husband lots of oral sex, which I initiate just to feel like I have SOME connection with him, and I figure it's my gift to him and one of us may as well be happy. He loves it of course but I'm always so stunned that there's so little regard for what MY sexual needs might be- does he even think about it? In other areas of life he is the kindest person I know. We are really good to each other. But I honestly feel like he has a take-it-or-leave-it approach when it comes to sex, and I am utterly heartbroken. We are not even 40 and all I can think is, I still have a lot of good years in me, and here I am staying up late every night reading marriage and sex advice forums and crying. I love him so much, and he would be destroyed if I left him. On the one hand I cant imagine losing my best friend but on the other, I can't imagine that this is the rest of my life.


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## ConanHub

I am sorry for whatever reason that your husband is an idiot.

If I were you, I would not so gently inform him that if he does not shape up, you are going to have to leave.

Tell him you love him but he is NOT loving you back. If he is not willing to actively love you by participating in your marriage then it is doomed.

It takes two giving their all in a marriage. Right now, you are the only one putting in any effort.

Your husband is lazy and selfish. Those two traits are poison to any relationship.

You don't have kids and I would suggest never having them with this man. You need to let him know that you are a passionate, sexual , desirable woman that any man would love to cherish and ravage, but you want him to do the ravaging.

However, if he refuses to step up to the plate and really start WORKING to learn to please you, you are not going to waste your life and God given sexuality.

You sometimes have to be willing to let go of marriage to have a chance at improving it.

I do not believe in marriage at all costs. I have not had quite as bad a situation as you but I have had to engage my wife in similar conversations. We have both worked on it and now she is a lot more passionate and horny, for lack of a better term, than she ever use to be.

My drive still totally eclipses hers but she has really stepped up and improved.

If he is willing to put in effort and work then improvement will follow. It sounds like he has never tried. Does he think he is some type of gift to women that he doesn't even have to try?

Hope things work out but it is up to you to decide what you will put up with. There are many good men who will be good husbands while f'ing you silly!

I hope your H wants to become that man but I guarantee there are other men who can fill that role if he won't.

Don't settle. You don't have to.

Cheers! Best wishes.


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## murphy5

sounds like he needs some love lessons. Maybe a sexual surrogate to teach him some stuff? I am sure you already tried. 

There are plenty of online "hot to make love to a woman" type of books and videos. Not sure any of them are any good, but if i were you i would buy a bunch, check them out,and if on was decent give it to him with a home study guide scheduled out.

Yes, 40 is too young to give up on sex. Maybe the fear of god put into him...tell him if he can not step up his love making, you will be looking for it somewhere else?


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## ILuvTheDesserts

With the many men here on TAM with LD or ND wives ..... it's so sad and frustrating to see someone like yourself here complaining about her husband !?!??! 

Like WTF ........ I guess that's what makes up this universe huh ?? Men and women are two different creatures and we don't exactly know what is the right pressure , touch or lick the other person prefers or becomes aroused with but hey we can ask and learn no ??

Why because we love that other person enough to want to make him or her feel good ...... feel really , really good !?!? Unfortunately it seems as if your husband has ZERO desire for this and it's very sad to see. Hope one way or another he changes but honestly ...... I would not suggest holding your breath for him to make that change.


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## EleGirl

Just to let you know that you are far from alone with this problem, I've posted a link for a book that I think will help you quite a bit.

http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-Not-...42702&sr=1-1&keywords=why+men+stop+having+sex

We always hear about how all men are horn dogs. But that's not necessarily true. For example, men are as likely to choose to make a marriage sexless as women are. Your husband could be asexual, he might just be selfish and mean sexually (using it as a way to control you emotionally) , or some other things.

My suggestion is that you find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. Then you tell your husband how badly you are hurt by his total neglect of you sexually and what appears to be his lack of desire for you. Tell him that you would like him to with you to a MC/sex-therapist to fix things.

If he refuses, then you now that his actions are by choice. This is how he wants to relate to you. He might be generous in some ways, but he is thoughtless, lazy and punishing in others. When a person does this, it's often a form of emotional abuse/control.

The lack of emotional and sexual intimacy in your marriage is more than enough to justify divorce.


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## P51Geo1980

I recently got out of a similar situation and cannot tell you how relieved and happy I am. I have posted a thread about it if you want to read. I cannot tell you how much I wished my ex was someone like you. It hurt very much that she didn't have any desire for me.

Cliff's notes version:

- Ex wife was emotional and physically neglectful
- Sex became almost non-existent after six months of marriage
- Nothing in common really
- Didn't want to go to counseling because everything was ok for HER so my feelings didn't matter
- Made promises to fix things only to fall back into her pattern a short time later
- Filed for divorce in march, divorce finalized September
- Met an awesome girl shortly after filing for divorce
- Before divorce finalized, ex made an attempt to win me back

A few questions:

How old are you and your husband? If you're relatively young (early - mid 30s) I assume you want to have children one day? if you do, how will this happen if you and your husband aren't having sex?

Have you ever been to, or brought up, marriage counseling? What did he say? Does your husband understand how you feel?

People who are LD are selfish, no matter how much they claim not to be. They know how their partner is before marriage yet don't have the courage to break up with them. Oftentimes they pretend to enjoy sex until vows are exchanged. I know you said your husband and you waited until you were married to have sex - huge mistake. Sex is probably one of the top three most important things in a marriage and the only thing you cannot/shouldn't do with anyone other than your spouse.

You're only real choices are to live like this the rest of your life (in my opinion not worth it) or divorce. Neither choice is easy, but only one will allow you to be free to find happiness. I was lucky enough to find someone who actually understands, respects, and wants to be with me. I can't tell you how awesome it feels to be with someone who actually cares about me.


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## hardcandy

Hi, I know this may sound completely inappropriate (and crazy) but could there be a possibility that he is...gay? I'm really sorry, but I got that feeling reading your post. Apologies in advance if I offend you with that...


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## richardsharpe

Good evening tiredofbeing sad
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Its utterly miserable (as I know from experience), and depressingly common - look for various threads in the "sex in marriage" section. It seems pretty evenly split between men and women being the ones who are being denied sex.

The mismatched desires problem is awful. The high desire person ends up doing absolutely anything the low desire person wants in bed in the hope of getting something in return. They feel constantly unwanted, rejected, unloved. The temptation to cheat becomes so strong - they realized that there are people out there who desire them - who will give them what the long for and cannot have.

The low desire person feels constantly pressured, feels as if all their partner wants is sex. Think their partner is a Slvt, or Old Goat. Every bit of love or intimacy is seen as a bribe for sex.


This very rarely gets better. I went through this for 25 years. Things did improve finally - but now sadly they are declining again. 

All I can suggest is that you try counseling, and if it doesn't work you leave. You have every right to leave - sex is an integral part of love, without it, you just have friendship. You deserve better.


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## devotion

I am not your husband, but I'm sure my ex-wife could tell a similar story to yours. I was very low desire and did not want to confront the issue and eventually that among other things led to divorce. 

What was my issue? My best friend told me I was never attracted to my ex-wife. It's a little shocking to think of but its probably true. As my nick indicates, I felt 'devotion' to my ex-wife but never had that spark. Which also includes sexual attraction. While we had pre-marital sex it was rare and just got rarer as time went on. 

I don't know if your marriage could be saved. Mine ended with my wife cheating on me (at least emotionally, maybe physically). I only wish she had ended it before taking the 'low road' but I should have seen the writing on the wall. 

It's funny that a lot of people think society puts too much value on sex, but when you add religious and cultural views in some ways it also puts too LITTLE value on it -- in a sense its hidden and couples don't want to openly discuss it and work towards a common goal. 

I would suggest you seek formal marriage counseling (and possibly a sex therapist) because by the time I knew it was a problem it was too late. I also would suggest that you don't consider the low road -- if its not working out, go divorce. Especially since you don't have kids (same story with me).


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## Faithful Wife

tired said: *"Don't most men have a desire to please their woman sexually? Don't most healthy young guys, like, LIVE for it??"*

This type of thinking is a problem. The more we stop stereotyping people, the better. I know the message that all young guys LIVE for sex seems like it is true, but it actually isn't.

I know that doesn't help you with the issue, but hopefully it will help you with your understanding of the world and of men and of your husband.

Some men could honestly care less about sex, let alone good sex.


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## tiredofbeingsad

Thank you so much for this. I've been in too much of a gut-wrenching state this past month to even talk or type about things for a while, but I need to let you know, some of the things you wrote to me have been haunting me, they've been playing in my head since the day you put them on here.

My H has been out of town on business for this whole month and I've done nothing but soul-search and cry while he's been away, thinking about our future. I'm in agony, realizing that we have a precious friendship but I'm less convinced than ever that that can sustain me for the rest of my life. And i love him so darn much, it's ripping my guts out, but I think I may separate from him for a time. 

I'm in knots of dread because I know everything he's going to say, if I approach him again about what I'm going through. Two weeks before he left for his trip I came to him with my heart on my sleeve about wishing he would hold and touch me more, that i missed him, that i needed him... and it was the most horrific fight. My normally sweet man absolutely sees red if i come to him with anything that hints at something I need that I'm not getting. he can't deal with it. If i stay quiet and sweet and humble at all times we get along fine (meanwhile, I'm dying inside.) This last time I tried talking to him he yelled and yelled and I ended up crying uncontrollably, just stunned and speechless. 

He said things that just broke me, including "you need to get yourself straightened out with God" and "this is your insecurity issue, your problem, not mine; " " it turns me off when you walk around feeling sorry for yourself" and "go ahead and run off and find a guy that gives you all sorts of sex and you'll see you're every bit as lonely and insecure as you are now!" This all started because I said I miss sleeping in the same bed and having someone to hold in the night, and that I wish he wanted me more.

So, He's being his best self right now, having been away for a month and missing me, sending me sweet texts every day about how much he misses me. And this is the man that I fell in love with. No one is all one way, we have so many sides…its hard to reconcile this sweet guy with the cold uninterested lover. Talk about confusing. I have no idea how to act when he gets back in a few days. I'm torn up about it. If he initiates anything physical with me (most likely wanting a BJ, slight possibility he'll try to give me some obligatory intercourse, who knows) I don’t even know how to respond at this point. I've been so sad for so long that I'm starting to shut down.

So yes, I'm putting things in motion to take some time and get away and clear my head. I don’t know what else to do. There are no children, and I have never been so grateful for that. Please keep me in your thoughts, I know things are about going to get really bad.


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## lifeistooshort

Guess what? Your man is not so sweet and wonderful. Anyone that blows a gasket and when you come to him with your needs is not that great of a guy, and one that uses religion to get out of his responsibilities as a husband is an even bigger jerk.

Think about it. Your husband is not that great of a guy, he cares not one iota about you as long as his needs are met.

Even guys that beat the crap out of their wives are sweet when they're not doing it, otherwise most abused wives would leave.


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## ConanHub

Sweetheart, he is wrong, he is a liar, he is abusive and he does not love God. I am a very committed Christian and well read on sex in marriage.

You can do better and you deserve so much more than this hatefilled man has to offer.

He sounds mentally or emotionally unstable.

Please get some support around you and do not be ashamed. You have done nothing wrong.

I would not even wait and ponder because he will try to wear you down and you know he probably can because you love him.

He is deathly unhealthy for any woman and needs help.

You are not his therapist and it is not your job to fix him..

Please get out now. Get support. I guarantee you that there are many good men who can, enthusiastically, love you the way you need to be loved!

Got to go. You are healthy! He is very sick!


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## Theseus

This isn't just a guy who is LD. He insists on sleeping in a separate bedroom, he doesn't like to kiss, and when he has sex he has no interest in pleasing you. He doesn't even cuddle afterward, and leaves the room. When you try to talk about it, he gets extremely defensive and brings up God. I hate to fall back on such a cliche, but that just screams out someone who is gay and in denial. I would check out his cell phone and internet use, especially what he's really been doing during this month he is on a business trip.

One thing I don't understand. You say you saved yourself for marriage, but did that include kissing? If not, you knew he didn't like kissing before you were married, so you had a big clue about how things would turn out. 

Sorry to be such a pessimist, but I can already see where this is going. You can leave now, or you can leave 10 years from now, but eventually you will leave. It's unlikely he will change and even less likely that you will learn to be happy with the status quo. However, before you decide to separate or leave, have you brought up the subject of marriage counseling? You don't have to bring up the idea as a way of "fixing" him, but instead of fixing you (with his help, of course). Once he is there, you might not solve this problem, but at least a third party might make you both be able to discuss it without all the fighting and shouting.


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## Flying_Dutchman

There was little about his aggression in the OP but the subsequent info doesn't affect my theme too much cuz it fits the 'pattern'.

MANY men - whether it be most or not is irrelevant here - get a HUGE kick out of satisfying their partners, sexually and generally.

SOME aren't so good at reading signs of disappointment (or any other emotion).

Seems to me a pattern has set in since the wedding night - He's a 3-minute wonder and you say nothing and hope it gets better.

On the wedding night you were right to say nothing and it was entirely reasonable to hope. Subsequently, though, you've done little to address the issue.

While guiding his hands and suchlike would 'teach' a lot of guys what you like, a 'non signal reader' (or ignoramus, if you prefer) will think it's just something you want in the moment.

You've habitually - through not wanting to emasculate him and, we've since learned, perhaps through fear - given him every indication that you're happy. He's been given little or no reason to change. 

You're right to be cheesed off and upset about it - but a handful of disappointing, PE encounters after the wedding night fiasco was the time to start addressing it.

I have no problem with Christianity but, like a con-man dons a suit and tie, he wouldn't be the first to use a professed faith as a cloak of deceit. That said, if we assume a 'good Christian upbringing' - not hanging with the 'bad' boys or banging the 'bad' girls under the high school bleachers - his not a virgin when you married him status might amount to little more than a couple of previous encounters with a choirgirl. All of 6 minutes! Pleasing women doesn't come naturally. If nobody teaches him otherwise - if you look happy and say you're happy you ARE happy!

Non reciprocal BJs and pretending you're happy to give them? In a mutually satisfying relationship, fantastic, you're a keeper. In your particular relationship that's bolstering the myth of your contentment. Short of balancing a beer on your head while you did it,,, uggg! If he managed to read that signal, "contented wife" must be burnt into his brain.

Again, not to knock Christianity, but in some communities the man being head of the household isn't uncommon. In any household, if it's done right there's nothing wrong with it. If it's done wrong, it raises little misogynists, who need addressing by their girlfriends and wives before the rot sets in.

Both his poor sexual performance and anger/outrage at your (rare, meek) outbursts are likely a result of poor and sheltered rearing.

YOU are a pleaser, yourself, perhaps, not reared with the tools to negate negative qualities in men.

Ultimately, the root causes matter little. You can only deal with the present and future.

If you think I'm blaming you, I'm not, but you need to see your contribution to your unfortunate situation. Addressing this now is gonna be a shìtload worse than if you'd done it way back, cuz his mindset is more entrenched.

Only by changing yourself can you hope to change him. Start gently and ramp it up until he understands how you feel. Initially, he might well be angry and hurt because you have, with some deliberation, deceived him. That said, there's reasonable anger and unreasonable anger. I'll trust you to recognise it because you clearly aren't stupid. Too much of the latterand/or refusal to change to better accommodate your needs and you'll know your marriage is over.

I wish you luck over the coming weeks. You deserve better but it won't come to you. Gotta go get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Misty Blue

tiredofbeingsad said:


> Thank you so much for this. My normally sweet man absolutely sees red if i come to him with anything that hints at something I need that I'm not getting. he can't deal with it. If i stay quiet and sweet and humble at all times we get along fine (meanwhile, I'm dying inside.) This last time I tried talking to him he yelled and yelled and I ended up crying uncontrollably, just stunned and speechless.
> 
> He said things that just broke me, including "you need to get yourself straightened out with God" and "this is your insecurity issue, your problem, not mine; " " it turns me off when you walk around feeling sorry for yourself" and "go ahead and run off and find a guy that gives you all sorts of sex and you'll see you're every bit as lonely and insecure as you are now!"


I came here yesterday for the same reason.

If everything goes his way, things are good. If not, I pay for it. And that includes sex. If only people outside knew....

I am planning my escape. You should do the same.


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## Hicks

It's very common for a person to come to TAM and post about how great their spouse is but for this one thing that is wrong.... But then they go on to describe a really bad spouse. I think people don't separate their FEAR from the equation. You are afraid of losing what you do have. But that does not make him a good husband. A good husband would recognize the value of a sexual connection with his wife. A good husband by defnition would not allow his wife to be "dying inside". You can separate a man from his actions. 

I do agree that it sounds like he is secretly gay. It's not unheard of the man being the sexual depriver but it is not as common. Gay is one of the many possible causes.... But taking into account that he likes oral sex and is very religious (therefore afraid to live as gay), these are some more indicators.


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## Hammond_B3

Tiredofbeingsad, I feel so sorry that you are in this situation. My wife was somewhat in this situation with me. I had lost all desire for sex and it was driving her crazy. I actually was very rude to her. The truth was I had developed ED was very embarrassed about it. Of course I totally handled this wrong, but after a while realized how much I love her and that I was hurting her. I went to the doctor and found out what was going on and now with medication, we can't keep our hands off each other. I could have easily took the attitude of "Hey I'm ok" and did nothing, but that would have been selfish. For what ever reason, poor performance or whatever, your husband is selfish. I'm thinking if he realizes he could loose you, maybe he will get over his selfishness "right quick" and get some help


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## bandit.45

OP, if everything you have told us is true and accurate...

The real problem is not that your husband may be LD or having ED that he doesn't want you to know about....

The real issue is that he's an assh0le.


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## Mr.Fisty

I agree with bandit. He sounds abusive. 

Don't let your love cloud your view of your husband. Write down from a bias perspective of your husband's actions, and not what you or he feels. 
Like, he has anger issues, he avoids conflict, and whateever else. then read what you have written. Anyone can say words, but actions speaks more truth.Become a void and analyze your life, and see if you like the trajectory of your life, and takes steps to fix it. Good luck. This is your only shot at life and make sure you live it without to many regrets.


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## tiredofbeingsad

Wow. 

This was the most unflinching, on-the-mark analysis of my marriage so far- from a stranger, no less. Not even those closest to me have given it to me this straight and that is exactly what I need right now when the stakes are this high. 

thank you.

'Bolstering the myth of my contentment'..... yes. I'm willing to take ownership, I'm not looking to play into a victim mentality- even though I appreciate that others have impulsively defended me. I think I over-shared some of the ugliness of what is said during fights and that's always gonna slant things a certain way. He is not some monster. He is, however, a wounded person, and so am I. 

"YOU are a pleaser, yourself, perhaps, not reared with the tools to negate negative qualities in men."

That hit me like a truck. I think that's spot-on. Looking back over my ten years with him, and honestly preceding him, I know I've avoided conflict at all costs in my relationships, to the point of deceit like you pointed out above. makes me cringe a little. this is not all him, I know.

I do need to clarify though, that I do pick my battles and have definitely brought up these subjects plenty over the years. Sometimes in humility, sometimes in frustration- I don't always get it right but I'm not completely passive. No matter how I approach it though the discouraging part is that it's always received the same way, with a heck of lot of defensiveness and spiritual superiority. My fear is that THAT part may never change.

I'm headed home (my family's home, NY) next month for some time away to clear to my head and I've been in knots over how to interact with him in the next four weeks. I know we need to address this stuff again and I haven't been sleeping the last few days thinking about him coming home. your assessment has me rethinking how to approach it.

this is why i joined this forum - the unvarnished honesty is more valued and appreciated than you know. thanks.

PS, the bit about balancing a beer can on my head made me laugh out loud during a brutal couple of days so TY, lol


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## tiredofbeingsad

Misty Blue said:


> I came here yesterday for the same reason.
> 
> If everything goes his way, things are good. If not, I pay for it. And that includes sex. If only people outside knew....
> 
> I am planning my escape. You should do the same.


I am sooo sorry... hate that you understand first-hand. 

Does your husband treat you really well the rest of the time...? Mine does, in so many ways, and it's a total head trip. I feel like the most self-consumed person that I focus on the lack and can't just be grateful for what I have.

please let us know if you do find the courage to move on and how that goes... I wish you SO well hon


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## tiredofbeingsad

Hicks said:


> It's very common for a person to come to TAM and post about how great their spouse is but for this one thing that is wrong.... But then they go on to describe a really bad spouse. I think people don't separate their FEAR from the equation. You are afraid of losing what you do have. But that does not make him a good husband. A good husband would recognize the value of a sexual connection with his wife. A good husband by defnition would not allow his wife to be "dying inside". You can separate a man from his actions.
> 
> I do agree that it sounds like he is secretly gay. It's not unheard of the man being the sexual depriver but it is not as common. Gay is one of the many possible causes.... But taking into account that he likes oral sex and is very religious (therefore afraid to live as gay), these are some more indicators.


This thought confuses the living daylights out of me. I mean, I'm not offended by it at all... but i just don't know what to make of it. Part if me almost wants it to be true because boy, wouldn't that explain away everything...(!) but guys his body DOES respond to me. I don't want to be indelicate- but he does get erections when I'm naked in front of him or whispering things I'm gonna do, etc....wouldn't he be completely avoiding of me or not have physical responses if he was having a sexual identity issue?

my own mother worked up all her courage and posed this hypothetical to me about a week ago so at least the shock value of it has already hit me. she was just exploring every avenue with me. i told her there's no way. i've never picked up on even the smallest vibe of him being attracted to another man. i would notice

but i'm not bothered that you asked. like i said, yeah if only the answer was that clear.


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## Mr.Fisty

We can guess whether he is gay or not.

Write down what you want in a relationship. Here is an example.

1. Someone who nurtures me and help me grow.
2. Someone who is willing to explore life with me, because life offers so much.
3. I want to be in a relationship with someone that I feel safe and can express myself freely with.
4. Someone I can trust my inner thoughts too, and they can in return.

You seem to need someone with the same exploring personality that you have. For instance, I took cooking classes and had fun. I tried learning to skateboard, not so fun. But the trying was ewas fun. I like doing things spontaneously like eating a philly sandwich in Philadelphia. 

Here is the sad part. Once you file for divorce, that may rock his world, and make him look at himself in the mirror. Sadly some don't learn until it is too late.


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## WandaJ

My guess is too on gay in denial. and yes, apparently they can have erections with women, they have been hiding in heterosexual marriages for ages.

And no, he doesn't sound that wonderful


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## Theseus

tiredofbeingsad said:


> but guys his body DOES respond to me. I don't want to be indelicate- but he does get erections when I'm naked in front of him or whispering things I'm gonna do, etc....wouldn't he be completely avoiding of me or not have physical responses if he was having a sexual identity issue?


But he doesn't like to kiss you, avoids sex, and when he has it, he usually leaves right away, and doesn't like to cuddle. Also, there's the rather huge matter of him sleeping in a separate bedroom. 

Sounds like he *is* completely avoiding you. Certainly is if I compare his behavior to my own marriage, where my wife and I cuddle every night. The way he is behaving is not normal, not by a long shot.


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## Omego

tiredofbeingsad said:


> Truthfully our chemistry has never been right and I knew it from that first night- but you always hope things can change when you love the person so much. He doesn’t even like to kiss. What the hell?? I used to get so turned on with other men, just from making out like teenagers, but when I try to get my husband to, Honestly, heartbreakingly, I feel nothing.


I agree with a lot of other posters who suggest that he may be homosexual and in denial.

May I ask where the "in love" feeling came from if there was no chemistry whatsoever from the start?


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## Hicks

If he's gay the way to find out would be to snoop on his computer and look for gay porn. 

But, the main thing I would tell you is this.

Number 1, you are not wrong for having an emotional need for a sexual connection in your marriage. Everyone has emotional needs and everyone will be miserable within their marriage if these needs are not getting met. Refer to the book His Needs Her Needs if you want more information. It's more common for the man to need sex while the woman needs say "conversation"... But as you see this is not always the case.

So, you have a man who will not meet your emotional needs. The "process" of marriage is that a wife needs to meet her husband's emotional needs and a husband needs to meet his wife's emotional needs. And the meeting of needs always takes a conscious effort. In marriage you need to give and you need to receive.

So the question is WHY doesn't your husband meet your needs? This is what you have to figure out. Here are the possible scenarios.
1. You are not meeting his needs and therefore he is trying to communicate his dissatisfaction to you.
2. He does not understand what your emotional need is.
3. He does not understand that the importance of this need in relation to getting his own needs met by you.
4. He does not understand that he cannot expect to keep his wife from cheating or divorcing him if he refuses to meet her needs.
5. He is getting his needs met by you, he understands your needs, he understands the importance of your needs, and yet he does not choose to meet them: Conclusion he is selfish and is not a good husband for you to keep or make a child with. You shoud divorce or disconnect.

I'll leave it with this. Love is a verb. Does your husband love you?


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## GA HEART

While you are away, read the book, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. It was a livesafer for me as a general "people pleaser." It teaches you how to still be yourself, but that it's OK and actually NESSESARY to put your needs first, and you can still do for others. I can now say that I am well on the way to being a reformed people pleaser, although I still have my moments. 

My current BF is LD, but our issues are not even close to yours. He does genuinely WANT to please me, if he had a "couldn't care less" attitude, I would be rethinking my whole relationship.


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## GA HEART

Oh, and one thing I stopped doing so much for my BF was the BJs. Those are counter-productive with low drive, self centered men. My guy is a bit self centered too, so I usually just get him started with those and then redirect to me. Generally works. But if it doesn't? I don't reward him with a "finish" most times. Might sound a bit selfish of ME, but it really isn't. And I won't apologize for it either.


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## devotion

Not defending your jerk of a husband, but as someone else posted, I think my ex-wife made similar proclamations and I may have been a similar jerk, saying figure it out, its not my problem. 

I since confronted the problems and fixed them for myself and future relationships, but especially on sexual issues its very easy for guys (and girls) to stick their head in the sand like an ostrich and go 'We're married, why are you so hung up on sex?' 

The only advice I'd give is to 1) make it clear if he doesn't sexually satisfy you you are going to leave him and 2) make sure you feel OK -- as you should be -- that SEX is part of a loving marriage. Its funny that in the USA where sex is everywhere in some ways its treated like a deep dark secret. No one would stand for a man abusing his wife physically, but a man who abuses his wife by NOT physically pleasing her (or at least attempting to) is OK -- and its the wife fault for being a horn dog (or vice versa). 

You made a pledge to be monogamous, which in return means your husband's JOB is to take care of your needs. If he doesn't do his JOB and you give him opportunity after opportunity to fix it, move on and find someone who will give you everything you need. Only suggestion is DON'T CHEAT. You'll feel much better if you have to end it and then start that on the up and up.


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## tiredofbeingsad

Actually I never had that bells and whistles, in-love feeling with him, not even when we got engaged. Believe me, shame on me for trying to overlook things, Ive been disgusted with myself for a long time over it. I was so excited to be marrying a good person who wasn't an emotional wreck like the other men I'd dated. I chose him because he had integrity and good character, and regardless of these unflattering things I've had to write about, he does still have those things! I grew to love him very deeply over the years. I'm incredibly attached to him. I grieve the idea of not being with my best friend anymore. I never knew just how much you can love someone and still be thinking about ending it. it's ripping my guts out.


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## devotion

Both of you decided to ignore this part of your relationship, and but eventually you decided you can't live without it, which is fair. I don't know why he can live without it, but he needs to figure out if he can live without YOU, because that is his only option if he doesn't change. 

The guilt will be there that you are throwing away a perfectly good relationship over sex, but the reality is you are walking away IF he doesn't make the effort to fix it, even after you made it clear that he has to seek help (doctor, therapy, etc). The change is not just for you, but for HIM too -- assuming he's NOT gay, he WILL be happier with a better sex life! 

So make the ultimatum. If he responds again that 'just have sex with someone else' or the like, then yes, your path forward is probably set -- you need to move forward with a divorce, especially since you don't have kids and hopefully can financially support it, too.


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## tiredofbeingsad

You seem to need someone with the same exploring personality that you have. 

ohmygosh I long for this so much I can't even tell you.

I do everything alone- church, social life, everything. He and i go out to eat, etc, and he's really sweet when we do, but he's mostly a complete homebody. i don't mind chilling at home, i like both, but everyone in town knows me as the girl who's attends everything solo.

BUT....THIS IS IMPORTANT AND I'M PI#$ED AT MYSELF FOR NOT PUTTING IT IN MY FIRST POST- I need to be fair to him, he was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a few years ago which has him tired and in pain a LOT, so I feel like a monster dwelling on my unmet needs. the separate bedrooms thing started because he's a crappy sleeper from the illness and i have total compassion on that. i do wonder though why he doesn't visit me in my room, like, ever. 

I do have to remind myself that he was healthy and energetic the first half of our marriage and still had these traits back then though. sigh. 


Gosh you guys. So many things that are hard to look at and face. It's so hard but it helps to hear me say some of these things out loud. Thanks


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## Hicks

tiredofbeingsad said:


> You seem to need someone with the same exploring personality that you have.
> 
> ohmygosh I long for this so much I can't even tell you.
> 
> I do everything alone- church, social life, everything. *Then this is not a marriage*. He and i go out to eat, etc, and he's really sweet when we do, but he's mostly a complete homebody. i don't mind chilling at home, i like both, but everyone in town knows me as the girl who's attends everything solo. * Unlike married women do.*
> 
> BUT....THIS IS IMPORTANT AND I'M PI#$ED AT MYSELF FOR NOT PUTTING IT IN MY FIRST POST- I need to be fair to him, he was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a few years ago which has him tired and in pain a LOT, so I feel like a monster dwelling on my unmet needs. *Has he told you this is the reason he cannot be sexual with you? His disease? *the separate bedrooms thing started because he's a crappy sleeper from the illness and i have total compassion on that. i do wonder though why he doesn't visit me in my room, like, ever.
> 
> I do have to remind myself that he was healthy and energetic the first half of our marriage and still had these traits back then though. sigh.
> 
> 
> Gosh you guys. So many things that are hard to look at and face. It's so hard but it helps to hear me say some of these things out loud. Thanks


Everything you describe including being apart for a month is totally inconsistent with marriage. I really wonder how you can state that you love him. I really do. Love is like a plant. No one is watering the plant. Plant's cant live without water. Love can't exist without togetherness.


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## FOB

Tiredofbeingsad…sorry you are here. I have been through similar issues with my wife in the past, and what I can say is that you’re dealing with something that is multi-layered, as I’m sure you well know. 

I’m of the opinion that you took a vow when you got married, and you do everything you can to stick to it, regardless of the problems. Divorce is a last resort, after every option has been explored. Your husband is shaming you and getting you to feel like this is somehow your fault, which is flat-out wrong. It sounds to me like he is lashing out at you because of how he feels. Typically when someone is treating you like crap, it’s because they’re hurting…something is wrong inside of them. There is no excuse for how’s he’s treating you, but there is a reason. He needs to be man enough to listen to you and then go find out what the reasons are. If he loves you, he’ll do that, but he may need someone to show him how to do it. If he refuses, that changes everything.

I dealt with hormone issues in the past due to some old injuries. I can tell you that when your body isn’t cooperating, or you just feel depleted, until you get to a point of maturity – understanding that you need to take care of your spouse’s needs regardless of how you’re feeling – it is very difficult to feel sexy, attractive, wanted, etc. It’s depressing. It’s like a hole you climb into, and just the thought of your spouse coming onto you can be frustrating (which can easily turn to anger). I know it sounds crazy, but it’s all rooted in insecurity. A person has to be secure enough to address their spouse’s needs even though they don’t feel like it.

For your part, I would say embrace conflict. Healthy conflict in marriage is not only unavoidable, but it’s freeing and intimate. It allows you to get closer to your spouse because that’s usually when true feelings come out and you learn something about the person you’re living with. And don’t ever feel shameful for feeling sexual or wanting this intimacy – it’s a natural, God-given desire. Embrace it. It’s crucial in marriage!

I wouldn’t just cut and run right now. I would, however, be brutally honest with your husband. And I would get to a counselor, as soon as possible. Navigating these waters alone, just the two of you, is next to impossible. A mediator, who’s unattached and unemotional, brings a whole different outlook to the situation.

I feel like I have to end every post with an overstatement of the obvious: This is just my opinion. Every relationship is different.


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## GA HEART

FOB, don't know who you are or where you came from, but please.....stay! Couldn't agree with your post more!


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## FOB

GA HEART said:


> FOB, don't know who you are or where you came from, but please.....stay! Couldn't agree with your post more!


 Thanks GA. I’m just a normal guy who's been through a lot in life, and a lot in my marriage. I used to be fairly arrogant, thinking I had the answers for everyone, seeing the world in black and white. I now realize I was overly prideful and self-absorbed. I have my experiences, my perspective, which are unique to me, and that’s about it. We all have that.


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## devotion

Yeah, you got bigger problems than sex here. Your partner is not working on your relationship and you have begun the 'walk away wife' part of the process (google it if necessary). I hope it turns out differently for you guys, and do your best to wake him up, but if he doesn't, then you deserve better. 

I snore and I hear of couples who have to for various reasons sleep in different bedrooms, which is a problem on its own but not irrecoverable. What you have is a lack of intimacy -- physical and otherwise -- that needs to be fixed. 

Not to go too much on a tangent, but both my girlfriend and I were taught to wait till marriage for sex, but from my own experience and reading yours I'm not teaching my kids that. I would like them to wait for someone truly special, but they need to make sure they are sexually compatible BEFORE marriage. Just don't tell daddy and mommy. LOL


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## Flying_Dutchman

TiredOBS - I'm glad you found my post useful. I'm more pleased to learn that you DO stand up for yourself more than I initially thought and that 'fear' of his anger may be too strong a term for the reality of your dynamic. At least you're living a not-too-bad instead of a nightmare.


The downside of that is that it highlights your 'should I stay or go' dilemma. It's easy to tell damsels in distress to flee a dragon but less so when the dragon doesn't breathe fire. I'll get to that shortly.

Just to clarify. I didn't mean to suggest that you've been deliberately deceitful, only that, by giving him the impression that you're content, when you hit him with the true depth of your misery, he's likely to say, "If you don't tell me how the hell was I supposed to know!?". He'll perceive it as deceit - you were just being you,, a pleaser.


Your dilemma. - I can relate. My last LTR had an auto-immune disease. When it comes to 'stay or go' the guilt of leaving a sick person is a significant consideration if you're not a sociopath. All I can do is tell you how I solve/work with life/relationship dilemmas and hope you can relate. Your values, desires, requirements and goals (etc) will be unique to you,, but this 'template' can work for anybody.


For want of a better description, I keep a kind of happiness/contentment scale in my head. 10 is the elusive ideal. 8 and 9 are perfectly acceptable but 7 is so-so (MY pleaser zone if you like. It's a vile place to dwell, push/pull, yes/no, stay/go). 6 is easy. 6 = time to act. I've only got one life and I don't want to be spending it in sub-6 misery. Like you, I don't like confrontation, but I'll endure whatever's necessary to rise above 6. Like anyone else, I'll move my boundaries for special circumstances, but not for long. A change that doesn't change back again isn't a special circumstance and can be applied to the scale.


I consider myself lucky. When I'm single I can maintain an average of 8. So, I'm only going to look for 8/8+ relationships. If they slump to 7 territory I get angsty. 6 and I'll only endure so much before ending it. If you put the effort in while it's an 8, you can avoid the effort required to climb out of a slump, but that's a whole other story.


Essentially, if some THING is interfering with your sleep, watching a movie, or otherwise plaguing your brain, it's a 7 and heading 6-ward. Time to act territory.


So, we can't really tell you what to do if you're stuck in (barely) tolerable 6 - 7 land. If your partner were a 9, factors relating to his illness might only drop him to an 8. If he were no more than an 8 to begin with and illness drops him into 7 zone, that's not your fault or your problem. Being sick isn't what makes him a 7, he has other qualities that he could work on to score him higher,, like catering to your needs and not being short tempered with you. His illness can be a factor but shouldn't be the determining factor. 


You're entitled to persue happiness and contentment. You don't want guilt weighing on your singleton scale but being able to tell yourself "I tried" brings it right back up.

Set your boundaries and apply them ruthlessly. You're allowed to waver (in the 7 zone) but when you hit your 6, ACT. Determine when effort becomes too much effort and, when it does, leave and don't look back.

If what you have rates lower than being single, be single. Then, look for partners who equal or raise your contentment score. Get yourself a male pleaser to hover around 9 with. You'll be a 10 to him if you can master the beer balancing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty

I was afraid that you would be the explorer personality type. There are like 4 personalities and I remember that explorers only go well with explorers type. Could be a reason why your husband doesn't excite you either. One of of my esx-girlfriend is a home body like your husband. She doesn't like to try new things, an sex with her is vanilla. 

Us explorers type like constant change, do new things, and push ourselves. We like to go to new places and experience new things. We seem to be lively too. 

Not saying that it won't work, but compromise is needed.

Tbh, most people that marry, are not simply compatible. One spouse has a high sex drive, another lower, one is an extravert,the other an introvert, one likes to travel, while the other will be happy in one place. 

That is why I wanted you to write a list on what you want from a mate, and you should have him write one down and compare. Maybe you can find some things in common and work from there. 

But if it doesn't work out, at least you will have clarity on what you are looking for. 

Perhaps seek therapy and discover yourself. Understanding who we are will help us out seek what we want.


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## 3Xnocharm

Tested2 said:


> We all choose spouses with flaws (and good qualities too). Now the question is do you believe in your vows or do you want to see about a re-shuffled deck.
> 
> Life is not all a bowl of cherries....believe me I know being sexless long term (probably partly my doing not initiating due to past rejections). I say suck it up buttercup. Make the best of what you have...who knows down the road things may change for you.
> 
> Or you can try the grass seems greener card.


Just because YOU dont have the guts to get out of your misery doesnt mean you tell other people to suck theirs up...everyone deserves a contented life. Sorry you are choosing misery, but dont try sentencing others to the same.


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## Curse of Millhaven

.


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## tiredofbeingsad

*OHHHHH MYGOODNESS, Curse of Millhaven, IF YOU LIVED HERE, WE WOULD BE FRIENDS. LOL. I CRIED AND LAUGHED MY ENTIRE WAY THROUGH THIS POST. I FELT LIKE YOU WERE SUCH A KINDRED SPIRIT AND I WAS NODDING LIKE CRAZY, WITH TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE IN AGREEMENT, PUNCTUATED BY LAUGHTER EVERY OTHER SENTENCE. I LOVE HOW YOU WRITE- AND I LOVE HOW YOU SHARE, JUST POURED-OUT AND UNFETTERED. *


Hello tiredofbeingsad, so sorry for the troubles that have brought you here but am selfishly grateful that the tumultuous torrent of your life has led you to find safe harbor here. We are kindred of a sort, you and me, and while I don’t have any great wisdom to impart or coordinates for safe passage through these stormy seas,_ I offer you my hand and fellow-feeling in the hopes that you will find solace in our shared sorrow. Safety in numbers and all that, bird of my feather._* I LOVE THAT THIS WAS SO PRECIOUS AND COMFORTING
*

There are so many similarities in our sad situations that I would like to offer you commiseration and share the parallels in our twin paths so that, as you said, you will know you are not alone. Rest assured, my friend, I and others are right there with you in the depths of despair over our dying marriages. If you take away nothing else from my endless blathering, please understand…you are not alone in being alone. _I know how desperately depressing, awful, isolating, and soul-shattering this all feels. And that it’s exponentially exacerbated when you love the other half of your insolvable equation._* YES...! THE ISOLATION TAKES MY BREATH AWAY, AND THE SELF-DOUBT IS COMPLETELY PLAGUING ME.*

I see so many tragic tales here of the twisted ties that bind (some unraveling, some twining ever tighter), but yours in particular struck a chord with me for the evident love you still hold for your husband in spite of it all. *IT'S SO TWISTED HOW MANY TIMES I'VE WISHED I COULD JUST NOT FEEL FOR HIM ANY MORE, JUST SHUT IT OFF; THE PATH WOULD BE SO MUCH CLEARER THEN. I HAVE LITERALLY PRAYED THAT GOD WOULD TAKE AWAY MY LOVE FOR HIM*

I share your pain (affliction?); it is indeed agony. Like you, I am true blue to my husband and love him with all of my shriveled little black heart despite the sexual dead zone that is our “marriage”. And like you I had deep passion and exciting sex in a previous relationship (which ended tragically though),* OH HOW HORRIBLE! I AM SO SORRY!!* so I do know what I am missing. And though many tried over the years, my husband was the only one to see the missing scale in my dragon armor and pierce me with cupid’s poisoned arrow. Or something like that. There may or may not have been projectiles and winged evil creatures involved, but either way the end result was the same…despite my being damaged, distrustful, and disavowing love, my husband somehow found his way through my fortifications and laid claim on my heart. For whatever reason or by the fickle hand of fate, somehow I lowered my draw bridge and let his Trojan Horse in. Although the treasure I relinquished was not my distressed damsel downstairs or even my heart, but rather my trust…which I gave to him, wholeheartedly. I thought he would never willfully hurt me. I was wrong. I am Miss Fortune’s fool. 

Anyway! My husband is similar to yours in many ways. He’s intimacy-impaired, shy and sexually conservative with a religious background of strict Pentecostalism. Growing up his family attended church minimum 3 times per week without fail and even though he no longer belongs to an organized religion, pretty much everything he does or even thinks of sexually is filtered through the now fraying fabric of his early belief system. Although unlike your husband, mine feels he is failing me as a husband and in his “Christian duty” as the “head of our household” and that his porn habit and his malady of “wandering eye syndrome” early in our marriage are tantamount to his having “committed adultery in his heart”. To which I say, “Motherlover, please! We all err, but it’s the truly evolved among us who learn from our failures and enact positive change….Oh and don’t be so quick to cut off your right hand…you’re attached to it and apparently quite fond of it!” *OMG I LAUGHED OUT LOUD IN MY LIVING ROOM OVER THIS PART*

But honestly, in many ways I believe his religious views contribute to our sexless “union”….prior to marriage sex was pretty okay (although I pitched the majority of our woo and yet somehow managed to strike myself out! Or something. I don’t know. I’m still all aglow at the Giants’ World Series win and wanting to work lame baseball metaphors into everything! Sorry I digress!), anyway after we said “I do”…his penis said “I don’t”.  


Madonna/wh0re, maybe? Could be. But I’m no pure vessel nor a cum dumpster. *BAHAHAHAHA!! YOU DO KNOW HOW TO TURN A PHRASE MY FRIEND! LOL* I’m just a woman who desires her husband to desire her back. *YES. AND THE HEARTACHE OF IT IS, THEY EITHER DO OR THEY DON'T. TALKING TO THEM, PLEADING WITH THEM, TRANSFORMING FOR THEM INTO WHAT YOU THINK THEY WANT YOU TO BE, IT DOESN'T WORK, AND IT ONLY LEAVES YOU FEELING EMPTY AND INAUTHENTIC AND JUST AS UNDESIRABLE AS YOU FELT BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOCKED YOURSELF OUT TRYING. I'M REALIZING WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR PARTNER'S SEXUAL HUNGER FOR YOU, IT'S LIKE YODA SAYS; EITHER DO, OR DO NOT; THERE IS NO 'TRY'. *


It doesn’t even have to be Harlequin Romance bosom-heaving, fireworks shooting out of my vagina, *(OHMYGOSH THAT IS FANTASTIC LOLOL)* earth shaking ecstasy. Just something (anything!) indicating a mere spark of desire or even tepid interest. So easy, so simple, yet so ineffably painful when it is not returned or worse rejected.  Especially from the one who vowed to have and to hold, to love and to cherish only me until death do us part or some such male bovine excrement! Maybe “love and cherish” mean something different in my husband’s love language of Assh0lese? Who knows (or cares!?).


I don’t know if it’s the dreaded Madonna/Wh0re in your situation or not. It sounds like not many firecrackers or even sparklers were going off for you two kids prior to your nuptials. I’m not going to fault you for hoping for a Fourth of July sextravaganza post-wedlock; we all delude ourselves in infinite ways when it comes to the chimera we call “love”. 


And it’s easy for me to offer words of absolution in attempt to assuage your guilt regarding leaving a spouse with health issues, but it would be the stumbling guilt-ridden blind leading the blind. My husband has Asperger’s and his sexual passivity/indifference, alternating bouts of emotional constipation/diarrhea, *PFFFFT. GREAT DESCRIPTION*- his “special interests” of hardcore porn and humongous hooters (like watermelons in a downhill race variety, he's obsessed with behemoth breasteses, ginormous juggernauts, etc, while my demi-cups are pessimistically half empty and have effectively been told “thanks but no thanks for the mammaries, little ladies!”), *OMG WHERE DO I EVEN START WITH THIS- I LAUGHED TIL I ABOUT PEED MYSELF-* and his overall relationship amentia can in many ways all be excused away due to his condition. And that’s all fine and well but…we’re still stuck in this sexless sixth circle of marital hell and I’m still not-so-silently suffering and steeped in shame. And sadly (sickly)…I still love the man. 


And like yours he is mostly sweet and mild-mannered, which makes the appearance of Mr. Hyde (however rare) all the more shocking and confusing. As others have so astutely pointed out, you do not have to accept his outbursts and cruel denial of your very reasonable needs as “your problem” or your due or as a symptom of your rocky relationship with God (what the hell with “get yourself straightened out with God”??? I’m pretty sure JC and His dad are straight with you, but your husband…well…? But I digress!). *THE SOUL-SEARCHING OF THIS LAST WEEK AND THE REVELATIONS THAT HAVE COME FROM IT ARE IN MY NEXT POST- I PRAYED FOR THINGS TO COME TO THE SURFACE AND NOW I AM ABSOLUTELY LEVELED, NOW THAT THEY HAVE. IT'S JUST TOO MUCH. 
*


Early in our marriage my husband behaved very much like yours when confronted with my unhappiness and unmet needs (once almost putting his head through the wall because I told him during an argument that he had to better control his emotional meltdowns! Fortunately his 5-inch thick skull protected him. *LOL. I AM SOOO GOING TO START USING THAT DESCRIPTION FOR MY H TOO...SO APROPOS.* Sometimes I do wonder if his head is purely ornamental or if it is serving some essential evolutionary purpose in keeping me distracted trying to solve the megaminx of his mind, so as to protect the healthy herd from my aberrance…Oh sorry! Digression!) and his outbursts are something I continually refuse to accept. My mother-in-law once encouraged me to endure his rage meltdowns and just “grin and bear it” as she does his father’s scathing remarks. But it’s not in my nature, so I told her for as long as he rails at me or attempts to emotionally manipulate me I will continue to push back and resist. I won’t give up on him, but I won’t give in or cower to a bully. And that’s what he was at the time (he’s since made great strides in this area!) and what your husband becomes when presented with something that challenges his self-serving status quo. I hope you continue to stand up for yourself and maintain courage to resist and insist on your happiness! Vive la Resistance! 


Lastly (OMG, finally, right!?), I’m not as convinced as others seem to be that your husband is the Queen of Denial about his sexual orientation. I will agree that the no kissing, no cuddling, sleeping in separate bedrooms, etc, is very concerning (to say the least!). And I agree with those that encouraged you to rethink the endless font of oral adoration. He won’t be motivated to change if his needs are getting met with minimal effort on his part, so stop genuflecting…his idol doesn’t deserve your worship at this point! *AMEN! I FINALLY AGREE, HOPEFULLY ENOUGH TO STICK TO MY GUNS.* And I do believe you when you say he is not gay and that you would know. And I have to say, it’s oddly comforting to read another woman say that if she found out her husband was, in fact, gay she would be relieved…as it would explain everything. *RIGHT? TO REALIZE DEFINITIVELY THAT IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US WOULD BRING SUCH HEALING AND ABSOLUTION*! 

The few people in my “real life” who know of our sexlessness (is that even a word??) have all unanimously declared their doubts about my husband’s heterosexuality. But we (he and I) have discussed this at length and it’s simply not the case. And he knows (or should by now!) that if anyone would accept his latent homosexuality with open arms…it’s me. I would never castigate or shame him and would be more apt to say “Hallelujah! Grab your purse, Mary, we’re going to C0cktoberfest so you can suck down some sausage and find the man of your dreams!!!” *YOU. ARE HILARIOUS.* In so many ways it would be the best solution to and easiest way out from the twisted maze of our lives…I would get to keep my beloved best friend while splitting our union without breaking his heart (or mine) in the process. Does that make sense? *YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT DOES. IVE STARTED TO WISH THAT IF IT'S NOT A SEXUAL IDENTITY ISSUE, THAT HE WOULD MAYBE INSTEAD MAGICALLY FALL FOR ANOTHER WOMAN, AND WE COULD PART FRIENDS AND WISH EACH OTHER HAPPINESS, AND THAT I WILL NOT GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE WOMAN WHO SCREWED HIM OVER AND DESTROYED HIM WITH HER SELFISH UNHAPPINESS* 

Probably not. I’m going on 4 hours of sleep and am quarter-witted besides, *(LOL!)* so you know…I’m as clear as mud right now. Ugh. Marriage. It’s exhausting and a fabulous way to destroy not only your own life…but somebody else’s as well. *I NEVER USED TO BELIEVE THAT.... BUT NOW.... SIGH  *

Anyway!!! I do hope you are well and taking to heart all of the wonderful advice and support you have received here (prior to my prolix post!). Sorry for my word deluge, but I do hope you find a little comfort in knowing we walk the same dark precarious path. And I do most sincerely hope nothing I wrote offended you or in any way diminished what we suffer through. It was my wish to merely cast a little light on our shared journey because even the smallest of sparks can seem like a bonfire in the darkest of nights. Take care of yourself and please post with your progress![/QUOTE]

*I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH, NEW FRIEND, FOR THE OUTPOURING OF YOUR HEART, THE COMPULSION TO REACH OUT IN SOLIDARITY TO A STRANGER, TO BE A HEALING BALM WHEN I FEEL LIKE RAW HUMAN SUNBURN RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE A KINDRED SPIRIT AND NOW YOU'RE ON MY HEART SO MUCH TOO, I FELT THE BITTER SO ENTWINED WITH THE SWEET IN THE WAY YOU WROTE AND I JUST WANT TO SHARE MY LIFE PRESERVER WITH YOU WHILE WE'RE BOBBING ALONG . YOU HANG IN THERE TOO, AMAZING WOMAN. FROM ALL OF US ON HERE WHO ARE HURTING, GRIEVING, HOPEFUL, RESIGNED, DETERMINED, DESPERATE, AND TRYING LIKE CRAZY TO FIND SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR HEARTS SPLITTING OPEN- *

*THANK YOU. <3*


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## MEM2020

Tired,

Perhaps a bit of unfiltered honesty will help you. 

So let's begin with a premise and work backwards: Your H doesn't like mutually reciprocative sex. He's ok with getting bj's every once in a while, but that's about it. 

He's known this about himself for a long time. Well before he met you. 

Because he's a smart, resourceful person he's developed some very effective avoidance strategies. The first was: let's wait til marriage. The second was: let's be very bad in bed. But not in a way that seems intentional. 

If he was dumb, or had some type of motor function issue you would have said so. Since he doesn't suffer those limitations, basic sexual competence is something he could achieve IF HE WANTED TO. He doesn't. 

And he never will - this is a deeply hardwired trait that you cannot change. 

So your options are:
- accept a sexless marriage (over time it will feel worse and worse to you)
- gently but firmly insist on an open marriage and find a good quality man who is ok in the role of lover
- divorce 

He might initially fight you on the open marriage. But - if you promise to keep his secret (that he doesn't like sex), be discrete, AND remove all pressure on him to have sex with you...I bet he doesn't fight too hard. Provided of course that you can convince him you aren't going to find someone else and dump him. 







tiredofbeingsad said:


> I am worn out and heartbroken. My handsome husband of ten years, who I love so much, has never had a huge sex drive, but it's reached an all-time low. I am devastated and desperate- and he thinks everything is fine! Plus - oh, I feel so awful saying this- he is bad in bed.  Please help, or share your experience so I know I'm not alone- of course I think it's mostly men who have this issue. What do I even do with that
> 
> I'm considered really attractive, men stare at me wherever I go, and I've kept myself in good shape. I don't harp on him, I don't diminish him as a man verbally, I build him up constantly to let him know I think he's an amazing person- I've tried to analyze anything I might be doing that pushes him away from me as a person, trying to understand why he isn't excited to have sex with me.
> 
> I should mention, we've also had separate bedrooms for 6 years due to his insomnia. He says he likes having his own space- again, he's fine with how things are- but I feel like I'm dying inside from everything this represents about our lack of intimacy. And the literal lack.
> 
> He is very shy and conservative, sexually. Believe it or not, unheard of in this day and age, we waited until our wedding night to sleep together. I know, I know, I can feel the comments coming already... but it's what we felt was right at the time. We weren't virgins, we just wanted to do it differently with each other, based on our religious beliefs and feeling in good faith we were doing the right thing and making up for past mistakes. Well the wedding night was a major disappointment- but I figured it would improve as we got to know each other sexually. It didn't.
> 
> Truthfully our chemistry has never been right and I knew it from that first night- but you always hope things can change when you love the person so much. He doesn’t even like to kiss. What the hell?? I used to get so turned on with other men, just from making out like teenagers, but when I try to get my husband to, Honestly, heartbreakingly, I feel nothing.
> 
> I have a really healthy sex drive. It isn't obsessive or anything but I really enjoy sex (at least I used to, in other relationships) and I don't feel apologetic about it. He rarely initiates anything with me- we have sex maybe every 4-6-8 weeks, which to me is horrible for two young, attractive, childless people. And the worst part is, that when it finally does happen, although I've been waiting and wishing for so long leading up to it, once it's happening I end up thinking to myself, Why did i miss this again...?! It's really bad for me. This is rough, but... my husband has no idea how to touch a woman's body. NO CLUE. There are men who take pleasure in your pleasure- most men, dammit!- but my husband is not one of them. He pulls at my body like a two year old would, fumbling, doing things I've repeatedly asked him to please not do, and he seems half-hearted about the whole experience besides. Even in my frustration, I try to gently and sexily encourage him, telling and showing what I like- I know making him feel bad would be counterproductive for both of us. But by the next time, he's completely forgotten and/or disregarded. Plus he has a PE problem, he only lasts about 2 minutes, (unless he's been drinking, but dear god, I don't want to have one or both of us have to be drunk to have passable sex!) So, seriously, fumbling or nonexistent foreplay, 2 minutes of basic in-out action, and not even cuddling after. He tends to leave the room right after. I am losing my mind. I've bought toys to try to take care of myself as best I can, but I always cry after, wishing it had been him.
> 
> I've approached the subject of course- This issue keeps coming up for me, it's not just going to go away. We always end up in a big fight, even though I try like crazy to not accuse him or put him in a defensive position. It never goes well. My requests and suggestions aren't taken well; He feels wrong about using toys, and has no desire to experiment like I do. I would try anything he wants, with enthusiasm (!) but he just doesn't have the same mind-set. I don't get it!!! Don't most men have a desire to please their woman sexually? Don't most healthy young guys, like, LIVE for it?? He is such a giver when it comes to things and finances and he's a great provider but i cannot make sense of what's wrong with him sexually, or what's wrong with me that he doesn't crave me.
> 
> So now, over the years I've settled for our love life mostly consisting of me giving my husband lots of oral sex, which I initiate just to feel like I have SOME connection with him, and I figure it's my gift to him and one of us may as well be happy. He loves it of course but I'm always so stunned that there's so little regard for what MY sexual needs might be- does he even think about it? In other areas of life he is the kindest person I know. We are really good to each other. But I honestly feel like he has a take-it-or-leave-it approach when it comes to sex, and I am utterly heartbroken. We are not even 40 and all I can think is, I still have a lot of good years in me, and here I am staying up late every night reading marriage and sex advice forums and crying. I love him so much, and he would be destroyed if I left him. On the one hand I cant imagine losing my best friend but on the other, I can't imagine that this is the rest of my life.


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## devotion

I think you guys need counseling, seems like regular counseling before any possible sex counseling. 

If he doesn't want to do it, then I would leave him. I know its easier said than done but your issues are way too complex to fix on your own, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that with no chance to fix it.


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## 3Xnocharm

tiredofbeingsad said:


> I was crushed, of course, but in a weird way at least glad he was giving me a reason. (A reason I thought was completely preposterous but at least it gave us something we could talk about.) So, I was crying a little, which I think really started the downward spiral of pissing him off but I couldn't help it, it was upsetting, what I was hearing- I asked him to tell me what he meant, and what he thinks I could be doing differently. It went really downhill from there. The shouting got louder and louder, and my crying got louder and louder, and everything I said to try to explain or defend myself just enraged him. Some of what he screamed at me:
> 
> (when i said i missed him and needed him: ) "WELL YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO NEED ME, YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO NEED GOD!!"
> 
> (when I said, i'm so lonely i dont know what to do: ) "ANYTHING YOU LACK IN THIS MARRIAGE IS BECAUSE OF YOU!!"
> 
> (when I said, you're my husband, you're the only one I can come to about my physical ache: ) "WHEN ARE YOU JUST GOING TO OWN IT, THAT YOU HAVE ISSUES WHEN IT COMES TO MEN, AND THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE!"
> 
> (when I sobbed that I don't know what he means, and I don't know what to do: ) "YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF RIGHT WITH GOD IF WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A FUTURE. I'VE DONE THE WORK, I'VE DONE IT ALONE (seeking God, he means- ) AND NOW IT'S YOUR TURN. THIS IS ON YOU. YOU DECIDE"
> 
> and repeatedly, at different points: "DON'T YOU PUT YOUR ISSUES ON ME. THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND GOD".
> 
> (when I beg him to stop yelling, and I even tell him I'll receive his words better if he's not yelling: ) "YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO PUSHES ME TO THIS POINT! THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOU! YOU ARE SO PRIDEFUL AND WILLFUL AND SELF-CENTERED THAT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET THROUGH TO YOU!!"
> 
> My reactions through all this run the gamut; I cry of course, sometimes quietly, sometimes a full-on wail, which he is numb to; at times I try to calm him down, saying Please just talk to me, you don't need to yell; other moments I get angry back and try to defend myself, I yell too just so he can hear what I'm saying- but oooooh the worst part(!) and he has always done this, and I absolutely cannot take it any more- I start a sentence defending my position and I get about three words in and he SCREAMS OVER TOP OF ME finishing the sentence for me with what he THINKS I was going to say- and he's not even close half the time- and I shout PLEASE LET ME TALK! YOU HAVE TO LET ME TALK! and he just goes ballistic, screaming, "I ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY AND IT'S BULL****/A LIE/I DON'T EVEN NEED TO HEAR IT!" Take your pick, he alternates between the three- every argument, for years. He will not stop doing this no matter how many times I beg him and say, I deserve to be heard too, please let me have a voice.


This man is an egotistical, self serving ass. He is using God as his excuse and putting all blame on YOU. He is not honoring God when he speaks to his wife this way. And I hate to tell you this truth, but no matter what you may change about yourself, or pretend to, it is never, ever going to be good enough for him. He will never treat you with respect, because his issues are not YOU, but HIM. He blame shifts to you because he does not want to face himself. 

You are never going to be able to fix him, and you are never going to be able to please him. So this is how your life with him will always be. I sure as hell wouldn't live with it...no one should.


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## AliceA

An atheist would be closer to your God than this man. His utter condemnation of you for the desire to be close to the person you have married is a disgrace to the teachings of your religion. You know in your gut he is wrong for you; that his beliefs will never lead to a happy marriage.

I think your choice to leave for a time is a good idea. Just remember that you can't base your decision to go or stay on just the good side of his personality because that is dishonest. Being dishonest with yourself is the worst 'sin' I think, because how can you be honest with anyone else when you've effectively blinded yourself? This is what he is doing I think. He's so hell bent on not seeing his own faults that he is distorting his reality to see faults in you. You will keep trying to see yourself through his eyes and you will always find this horribly distorted image staring back at you.


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## Mr.Fisty

Your options is an open marriage where your needs are met, live an unfulfilled life, Get a divorce because you didn't know him that well,a and it sounds like he wasn't upfront with you when you made the decision to wed, seek therapy for him, because he has some kind of hang up when it comes to sex.

The fact is, anyone can become a good lover. All it takes is great communication skills during sex. 

All you have to do is try new positions, change of pace, and add some extra stimulants, like role-playing or toys. 

Your just not sexually compatible.

He sounds like my ex-girlfriend. 

Luckily I broke up with her when we were having sex twice a month. 

Great girl, just not a lot that stimulates her sexually.


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## Flying_Dutchman

Couldn't have put it better, 3X.

You're a crafty one, TiredOBS. You started off describing a bit of a disrespectful jerk who's cràp in the sack, and in the space of a couple updates he's mutated into an ogre.

How much worse is this gonna get? You're not shut in a cupboard, surrounded by crucifixes, are you?

Like 3X said, and I alluded to people wearing cloaks of deceit way back, this is NOT a religeous man. He may as well recite a receipe and tell (yell) you to "GET WITH MARTHA!"

That said, there are sure plenty of miracles going on under your roof. You still have a sense of humour. HOW, after putting up with that cràp? I bet you were fun in high school and there can't be much of her left. 

And the BJs. After reading that update, the only conceivable good reason for giving those is murder by erosion.

Look at yourself. A pleaser. Literate. Bright (being with Jimmy Swaggart's inbred cousin not withstanding). Fun (once upon a time) and, yep, those non-reciprocals (even without the beer). That's a combo to die for and you're wasting yourself and your life on that a$$.

Seriously, what keeps you there? Are you THAT subjugated or is it a misguided determination to adhere to your wedding vows? If the latter, I think your hubby's already shredded that contract. Fear? Even alone and homeless'd seem like a plus.

I don't want to taunt you, Tired,, but you're not tired, you're asleep. You've got the facts from 3X - this is my effort to form a two-pronged assault to wake you up.

I don't know what the ogre's problem is, but it's deep, serious and potentially dangerous.

Something about you scares or intimidates him and it's turned close to hate. The only thing 3X left out was this: He shouts to drown you out and interrupts to shut you up. He doesn't want to hear your 'noise' and he devalues everything you do. Vocally, he can't erase you any further. You'd best hope God doesn't tell him to escalate. He's already raging at you.

The only advice I can give you is to get out. You can't repair deranged,, especially deranged that's shut you out.

Writing this made me think of something. If you have Netflix, other movie channel or a rental store, find a movie called Angel-A. Hopefully you'll relate to the mirror scene in it - the only person who can't see you, is you.

Get out. You're worth much more and can do much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty

Don't suppress your explorer nature.

It would bring you fulfillment.

Don't you want to go to Paris and see the city of lights? 

Don't you want to try new exciting things?

I know you want that passionate sex, where you lose control, and go from one thing into the next.

You probably want a partner to journey with as you explore how wonderful and exciting life can be.

If I was rich, I'd just travel on a yacht traveling the world.


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## Curse of Millhaven

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