# Husband says he doesn't love me, but doesn't want a divorce



## Rainbow Pizza (Sep 24, 2011)

Background- married to hubby for 6 years, together for 12 (met online at ages 15/16) Had our only son in 2008, after 3 years of marriage.

My husband and I are going through some hard times. He lost his job at the end of 2010, then we decided we wanted to move across country to live in CA with his family, (my family is in CT) until he found a job and moved out on our own. We have made this move before, but I felt it wasn't a good decision last time. This time I felt it was a good decision because we had a son in 2008 and in CA my son would have more cousins and family to be around, who loved going places and hanging out, more than my family does. 

We had been living there since February 2011. We were happy at first, but as time went on, there was just too many people living in the house. Husband got a nice freelance gig (doing art) with a guy that wants to keep him for a while, and he makes decent money. He's struggling with just working the hours right now. He is his own boss and has a hard time pushing himself. For the while that we were living there I started to become angry with my husband. He never put enough hours in so we could move out. For instance he was given 40 hours of work at home time, but instead he worked maybe 7-15 hours a week. I was a stay at home mom, and thought we would continue with this since it was what we had been doing for three years prior. I would blame him for things going wrong, complain about the house and his family, and insisted that I wanted to go back to CT. I realize how terrible of a person I truly was. He is miserable there too. Instead of wanting to move out with me though, he started to tell me that he thought he didn't love me anymore. He now tells me that I nag him too much, I'm clingy, I never leave him alone, and I get angry. 

So I moved back home with my family about two months ago with my son. I told him that I was leaving because this house was very hard to live in. It was never my intention to leave the relationship, and he knew that. My husband told me in the middle of the night, the day before I was to take off, that he would miss me. Then the next day I asked him about that and he basically regretted saying it, stating that he didn't know and never elaborated. Then started saying that he would only miss our son, and not miss me.

Since being back I have read some self help books on becoming a better person, anger, and relationships. My husband has seemed to completely detach from me. He has had moments where we had nice conversations. At one point he told me to forget about what's going on between us, to just focus on getting a place. Anytime I bring up his feelings about me, he tells me the ONLY reason he cares about me is because he cares about our son, so by extension he cares about me. Anytime I ask if he misses me, after telling him I missed him, he tells me that he misses our son more or that he only misses our son. It seems the longer I stayed in CT the more distant he became. I figured he resents me for taking his son away. I keep telling him that I am trying to become a better person, but he shrugs it off. He's been struggling with money, since his family is broke and doesn't work, so he wanted me to help him by getting a job. I decided that I would rather move back and get a job over there. I made a stupid decision to buy a plane ticket back to CA without asking/telling him first. He feels that it was underhanded. He is acting like he'll have trouble paying the bills now, even though I know he has enough in there to pay for it. He is just upset that I went behind his back. He is right, but my reasoning was that I wanted our son to visit everyone right after Christmas, and there was a special going on so I bought it right when I looked it up. I didn't tell my husband right away since I knew he would be upset. We had a really nice web cam chat the other day and now it's like I've taken 20 steps back. He is now telling me he wants to cancel the ticket and get his money back, but the only reason he isn't is so he can see our son. He is telling me that he basically doesn't think I will ever change and that he doesn't want to even see me or think that we will work out in the long run. I wrote back and just told him that we should just be friends then and that I care for him and wish him well. 

I just feel like he resents me for so many reasons. Right now he's paying for everything and thinking that I'm taking advantage of him. Maybe I should have just gotten the job in CT with my family, but I figured all of my stuff was still in CA, my car, my cat, and a decent babysitter for when I do go to work. It just seemed to make sense to me. He's twisting it into this big negative bubble that it doesn't have to be. He is acting like there's just no room for me there, since the house is full and stressful. I am trying to make a point that we never moved over there to STAY with his family, our goal was to move into our own place. He's acting as though that goal is out the window now and he doesn't even know what to do with himself. He sits around and mopes all day about his son not being there even though he sometimes mentions "me and our son" not with him. He's afraid to say anything about me not being with him. And even a month ago he was willing to still have sex with me. At one point he mentioned friends with benefits. I was willing to have sex with him still, but after this treatment.. yeah right. He says he still doesn't want a divorce, but has shown no effort in the relationship. I have literally been doing all the work to better myself and he hasn't seemed to care or notice. I need to get a job, but now I'm not sure I should even stay over there after this response. 

I guess I'm just looking for insight. Do you think he can come around? He's very depressed right now and he has only seen me angry/controlling for the past 8 months. He is surrounded by tons of negativity in the household. I want to go back and hold my head high and be more independent, but now I might have a hard time after the discouraging words I received from him. He also talked to his client and friend about HIS first wife and how he only missed his son, not the wife. It seems my husband is adopting how other people act in relationships, like his brother as well, instead of just thinking for himself about his TRUE feelings. I feel like there's this wall of defense he put up so he won't get hurt (since I mentioned for so long that I didn't think I wanted to live in CA). We were at an impasse all summer long about where to live. Right now I'm ready to give up the fight and just try to make it REALLY work over there. Does anybody think I should try to make it work over there or that I should just come back to CT until he's ready to TRY?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It doesn't sound like your husband wants to give it a go right now. In fact, it sounds like he's done with the marriage. I think you should continue working on yourself regardless of his response - or lack of response. JMO, but I'd go back to CT and get a job. Get on with your life and become independent of him. That may catch his attention. I don't think it sounds like a good idea to go back to CA and all the negativity.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Rainbow pizza

Only you can answer your question. I am from the old school. I think the number one job a husband and father has, is providing for his family.

You have to put the emotional stuff on the back burner for a minute and think about your financial situation. A stable economic environment should be established for your son. The husband sounds like a light weight. He needs to started acting like a man and dad. Get it done!

It sounds like you already know this. It is ok to be angry at your situation. Your angry and your going to make good choices to improve your situation. That is ok. It sounds like you are being practical about having a real home for your son. Life is about making choices.


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## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

This all seems like a result of your circumstances:

- you haven't all lived together as a family in a while
- his confidence has been rocked with job situation
- he is spending time with 'enablers' to his "my life sucks" ideas

If you believe that even if 1. you all got a place in CA together, 2. his job situation improved, 3. and you became closer as a family by being together more, and 4. he would see his Enablers less - that all those things wouldn't improve your relationship then ditch it and go to CT - leaving him with his Enablers will basically mean the end of the relationship. But if you think it's save-able then stay in CA.


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## Rainbow Pizza (Sep 24, 2011)

*Doyouwoo*- I'm pretty sure that's why I decided to go back to CA in the first place. I told him so many times that I didn't think CA would work and never bothered to give it a true shot, that now I'm sort of regretting what I said. How do I take back those words if I'm still living in CT with my parents? It just seems that HE wants to be alone, and since he has no where else to go, and we don't have a place together, that the ultimate solution is for me to go here and him to stay there. Originally I just left because I couldn't stand the house anymore, but it turns out my husband was glad to see me go, I guess. So I'm sort of waiting for HIM to come around mentally, yet I'm the one that has to come back physically. It's hard for me to decide. I need to just leave him alone, but completely ditching him is my way of saying, "no, screw CA and our marriage" at the same time. I just feel like it isn't about what _I_ think of our marriage. I've been trying to redeem myself, reconcile, patch things up, and just change. While he's the one telling me "oh no, it doesn't matter, you'll never change, we have no future, etc." I mentioned going back and taking steps to moving out on our own and the idea flies over his head and he only mentions how me going back to that house would be a terrible idea. He says he wants to move out of that house, but he isn't taking any steps to do so for himself. His actions tell me that he would rather take care of his mom and brothers and live with them than take care of himself or his wife and child.

At this point, I think the best thing is that when I go back to visit everyone, that I just get my things in order as best I can. I will spend some time there and probably end up just going right back to CT. He needs to get himself together and I will just be in his way.


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## MarcyTen (Aug 8, 2012)

Your husband needs to grow up. It is his job to provide for and take care of his family and he is failing miserably... moving you all to CA to live with his parents should never have been an option! you stay put and you go back to your parents and tell him you and your son will be there until he decides to get his life together and step up to take care of the family he chose to create! Be strong, seriously... stop this 'i'm working on myself' nonsense while he mistreats you and puts you and your son in a bind. He is not role-modeling for his boy either. You might want to mention that his boy needs him to be a strong role model. If he cares about his family, he will step up... if not, you'll have to have a new game plan because dividing custody of your child with him will be hell for your child and who knows what will go on in your husband's life while you are not around. It's a bad situation you've got here, but you need to be really strong, for your boy... you need to go and raise him and stay with your family until your husband decides to be a man. You don't need to threaten divorce or anything... just simply state that you'll be at your parent's until which time he steps up to the responsibilities in which he has CHOSEN.. and he IS NOT to move in with your folks either... he is to be a man and get ANY kind of job or jobs that will provide for his family... that is what men do. Him making you feel as if you are a burden on HIS life/time is just ridiculous nonsense... what a creep! Do not accept that. Is that the kind of person you want your son to be when he grows up? SOmeone that puts all his responsibilities on his woman who is the mother of his child? gross. Be blunt and honest with your husband. Stop coddling him. He has to feel he's losing you and his son, and he has to be held accountible for his poor actions. Remind him that you love him, but you are staying PUT until he decides to take responsibility as the head of his house and family as he promised at the alter. goodluck.


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