# married 30 years, no children. Still may get a divorce



## toooldforthis (Apr 2, 2011)

Probably don't get too many folks together this long that break up.

Married 30 years and lived together one year before got married. Now retired. Live on a boat. Have no children. Have in-laws....The in-laws have pushed it over the edge for me, but he can't accept that. To me, that is the straw on the camel's back.

We seem to have so much in common and look like we should be so happy, but in fact, we are both miserable. Sex life died at about year 12 in the marriage. Just kept going anyway. Neither of us has missed sex too much. Would appear another point of compatibility.

Periodically have fights. Most of the time don't talk that much. Go through life as though making the motions. He always wins every fight, and I always apologize.

He has a frightening temper (not physically violent just a screamer). He claims my temper is terrifying. In 30 years, he has probably seen my temper once every 5 years, when I just can't stand things any more. I can scream too. He loses his temper at least once a month.

Still, I am so emotionally bonded, I can't leave. He is finally tired of me talking about breaking up - which I did recently when his sister just totally sent me over the edge.

He says he is going to at least separate. He has tried all he can. Which basically means just ignoring and starting over as though nothing has happened every time we go through this. He has told me many times he cannot change, and if I don't like him the way he is I should leave.

I can't stand his temper and his controlling nature and the way he doesn't respect what I have to say. He tells me if he can't control me he may not be able to stand to be around me, as apparently, I'm an idiot (although that is suspect since I'm a licensed professional engineer - can't be too much of an idiot).

One of my problems is fighting the depression as we start to break up. It's frightening. It's like I'm frozen. And his anger is frightening.

And I don't want to divorce. I want a marriage that works. 

He would never agree to counselling. It would be me by myself going to get advice. I tried that once. The counselor told me she had no idea how to help. Didn't go back to her. That was central Florida where there is not much available.

Our finances are such that if we stay together, neither of us has to work. If we divorce, we will both have to go back to work. Appalling thought, as we retired two years ago after long careers that wore us out emotionally. 

We could stay together if got counselling, but that won't happen. The husband won't try to ignore the issues anymore and start over. So I guess we are done. But I am in denial and depressed and anxious. I fear I am a burden to any friend or family member to call and unload any more than I already have. I can't even stand myself at this point.

Any suggestions for just picking myself up off the floor, getting control and moving on. Or even rescuing my marriage.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

toooldforthis said:


> Probably don't get too many folks together this long that break up.
> 
> Married 30 years and lived together one year before got married. Now retired. Live on a boat. Have no children. Have in-laws....The in-laws have pushed it over the edge for me, but he can't accept that. To me, that is the straw on the camel's back.
> 
> ...


I have heard the marriagebuilders resources can help if one person starts the effort. And have you ever heard of the movie and resources Fireproof? It's a place to start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toooldforthis (Apr 2, 2011)

Thanks Golfergirl,

I've not heard of these resources. I will look them up now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

toooldforthis said:


> Periodically have fights. Most of the time don't talk that much. Go through life as though making the motions. He always wins every fight, and I always apologize.
> 
> He has a frightening temper (not physically violent just a screamer). He loses his temper at least once a month.
> 
> ...


Wow. This sounds so much like my marriage even the part about him telling you to leave repeatedly if you didn't like his behavior. I know how hurtful that can be, living in a situation where you feel like you're drowning and want want something different.

My advice is that he is he willing to try counselling out with you, do it. Really try to articulate how this is having an adverse effect on you.

My heart goes out to you cause a lot of what you said hits really close to home for me.


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## toooldforthis (Apr 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Wow. This sounds so much like my marriage even the part about him telling you to leave repeatedly if you didn't like his behavior. I know how hurtful that can be, living in a situation where you feel like you're drowning and want want something different.
> 
> My advice is that he is he willing to try counselling out with you, do it. Really try to articulate how this is having an adverse effect on you.
> 
> My heart goes out to you cause a lot of what you said hits really close to home for me.


thanks for the feedback. Sorry you are married to the same type personality. Nearly impossible to deal with.


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## kylies72 (May 16, 2012)

Hi,

I have been married for 19 years and have three children and have been going through a divorce for a few months now. I know I haven't been married anywhere near the length you have but there are a number of ways to look at the situation.... In my opinion anyway.

1. Being that your marriage, well realistically is failing. Surely your husband would see this. Try suggesting to him that you want to try new things in your lives. Suggesting that Marriage Counselling would be a great thing to try. Make it look like a positive thing rather than a negative. Being that you both are retired would make this harder as well as you both are in each others ear all the time no doubt.

2. If you are unhappy and want to live the rest of your life not burdened by this unhappy marriage, then somewhere in the light you will see a tunnel and move on. Divorce for me is one of the worst things that is happening to me at the moment because my husband is shockingly selfish.

My Mum and Dad are borderline a divorce themselves because they just have grown to be different people. 30 years is a long time, my parents have being married for 45 years and they both agree that they have grown apart. People's views on life changes as life goes on, there is nothing that really can change that because people grow.

Overall, I suggest that you just look for that light. Going back to work might not be such a bad thing because you know that you don't have to go home to him, just home to a haven that you may well do create for yourself.

I hope that you find happiness. Let us know how you go and what you decide to do. It would be great to hear progress in any event.


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