# Intimidated by little o' me? O.O



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So it seems that even after years of marriage my persona still gives off a rather 'interesting' vibe; women seem to think of me as a player, even though I haven't even been much of a player (more an NSA guy in the past), not to mention I've been loyally married for years and not to mention I'm a responsible businessman now!

Now this impression has been 90% consistent with women who just met me or don't know me at all. In the past I also got it all the time, to the point many of the quality women that I went for wouldn't even give me the time of day due to their suspicions. A past friend with benefits even told me that I was the type of guy that she wouldn't go further either than sex with. Even my soon to be ex wife didn't trust me until a full year of friendship... now I'm not going to wait that long to earn someone's trust again, and I ain't going to lose opportunities just because I made such an 'intimidating' first impression.

I don't get it :scratchhead:

When asked about the qualities that gave such a bad first impression, they only just flattered me; like admiring my confidence/etc ... but isn't that what you ladies want? Just curious tis all

How do I go about being confident without giving off the 'player vibe'? Cause I aint one! >.<


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

You must be one smooth operator. Sorry dude. Nothing you can do about changing that vibe. Apparently its just who you are. Even if you tried to tone it down it probably wouldn't work. I pretty much believe we are who we are. Its one of the reasons why I don't think trying to alpha up would work for a guy that's really a teddy bear at heart. Our true selves always come through.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

But it's not who I am! =/

I'm giving them the wrong impression somehow and I want to know why and how especially considering now that I'm back on the dating game. I'm not going back to NSA sex and I don't want women feeling intimidated by me anymore to the point they harden their heart towards me before they get to know me! (This would be great for NSA but not what I want)


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## NovellaBiers (Dec 11, 2013)

How do these women inform you that they think you as a player?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There are men that women perceive as attractive, exciting, fun, unpredictable, that they will have off the hook sex with and do things that they would never think of doing otherwise.

And there are men with whom they see themselves securely over the long term that will build stability, security, comfort and admiration.

There is the man they want to fly with, and the man they want to nest with.

Sometimes ... just sometimes, both of those qualities appear in one man, but that is an exceedingly rare thing indeed. And even then, long term isn't quite as long as anyone imagined.

Which kind do you reckon you are?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Being a 'player' has very little to do with it. Trust me, I know. Don't know if you read Faithful Wife's blog, but you should check out her piece on 'Unicorns'. Yes, I'm serious.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

NovellaBiers said:


> How do these women inform you that they think you as a player?


To my face or what I heard they said from friends/family! This includes STBX, past gfs, past dates, past FWBs including normal friends and... hell come to think of it, even when I was younger; even aunts/family members thought I was a player :scratchhead:

Like I still remember when I was younger one made a comment to my mum that "he must have lots of girlfriends" :slap:
Erm, no!

Strangely, even when I was a teen, but I thought it was just that 'bad boy persona' - but considering I'm a responsible adult now, polite, well-groomed, etc etc... and I still get it, there must be something I'm giving off that's not cool 



Deejo said:


> There are men that women perceive as attractive, exciting, fun, unpredictable, that they will have off the hook sex with and do things that they would never think of doing otherwise.
> 
> And there are men with whom they see themselves securely over the long term that will build stability, security, comfort and admiration.
> 
> ...


Ey? It's not that rare, in fact many of my mates do have game and are in LTRs. Why is it just me? Or maybe it's not just me and they just never told me... hmmm =/



Deejo said:


> Being a 'player' has very little to do with it. Trust me, I know. Don't know if you read Faithful Wife's blog, but you should check out her piece on 'Unicorns'. Yes, I'm serious.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Dude, I am nooooo expert here but I will add this.

Woman like confidence and want a man who can make decisions and hold up his end, but no one wants to feel expendable.

They may want a Samson but they want to be your "Delilah", show some vulnerability, confess some insecurity, and even some dependency on them as time goes on so that they feel like they are indispensable to you and you cant imagine life without them.

Express appreciation for their unique qualities, I cant believe a woman would not respond if your expressions were genuine.

They just want to know you will not spread that charm around and with your track record you have earned the benefit of the doubt, don't be afraid to claim it.

You will be showing your dependable side (and you are) sooner that way.

That doesn't mean you define yourself by them, I still tear up at times about a dog I lost years ago I miss him but I never defined myself by him, I just really was attached to him.


Take care!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> They may want a Samson but they want to be your "Delilah", show some vulnerability, confess some insecurity, and even some dependency on them as time goes on so that they feel like they are indispensable to you and you cant imagine life without them.


=/

Vulnerability, insecurity, and dependence?! But then they might run away for the complete opposite reason so I'll never win!!!

... hmmm, come to think of it though those three were problems in my marriage =/ (I wasn't vulnerable, I wasn't dependent on her, and I never allowed my security to be determined by someone else... but why should it?)




> Express appreciation for their unique qualities, I cant believe a woman would not respond if your expressions were genuine.


=/



> They just want to know you will not spread that charm around and with your track record you have earned the benefit of the doubt, don't be afraid to claim it.
> 
> You will be showing your dependable side (and you are) sooner that way.
> 
> ...


So I should mention my marriage sooner? lol


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Well you seem to be determined to reduce your appeal so I think I can help. You have to read magazine articles from Cosmopolitan from around ten years ago. This was the phase where people assumed that nice guys that were sensitive were what women really wanted. If you read these articles and change your behavior accordingly. Not only will people not think you're a player, but you'll have a lot more time to yourself because you won't be dating anyone. :smthumbup: I kid... I kid...

Seriously though you should count your blessings. A lot of divorced guys are absolutely terrified at the prospect of being back "out there". It takes them a while to adjust. It sounds as though you will be like a duck to water.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's easier than I had expected to get back into the game yes, but the same problems still exist. Women still think of me as a player by first impression so I have to work to prove to them that I'm the real deal. I was almost turned down recently because of it... which brought back alot of memories, and hence this thread (And I really liked who I met that night)

Normally I don't care about rejection but when it's rejecting me because of the wrong impression it's rather annoying and quite frankly I don't want to end up like back in my youth where casual sex was all I could get most of the time.

I want to love and be loved just like everyone else... *sigh*
For the record though I still managed to overcome her initial reservations but it was a close call. I'm glad, and quite happy to have met someone, but if she's already this guarded it's going to be hard to get her to relax and open up - and I'm not looking for an emotionless lay.

I'm picky with women, I see what I want and don't want to miss the shot. And there are quite a few fellas like me (attractive/confident/charming but NOT a player), I don't reckon we're so rare that women have to be so guarded as to reject us out of fear.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

If you really like her and want to overcome the"player"vibe you need to be consistent . Make sure your words and actions are aligned. Treat her well,like a lady. Don't play games, , make regular dates with her . Be open,honest and transparent. Let her know that your focus is on her and not every little pretty thing that crosses your path. Let her see the other sides of you/sides of your personality ... The ones not so"player"like. She will be guarded. Accept it for a bit. Be patient as she gets to know you better. 
If you're really not a player she will see that in time if not then you may need to look more closely at why you are so strongly giving off that vibe.... Confidence doesn't necessarily scream player... So what else might be going on ....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Great...

So it looks like fate is not allowing me to escape my problem is it? Either with my wife or with my date I have to learn how to be vulnerable, open, honest and transparent :slap:

Vulnerability is just not my bloody strong suit, openness neither until I can trust someone, but I am honest (if asked  ), but transparent? Come on we just met!

Now with my wife, vulnerability to her I have a limit on my patience I can't handle my affections unreturned feeling as if I'm chasing after a lost cause, I was open to her, and honest / transparent - and still shot down everytime. A part of me wonders if I had been more patient maybe we could have reconciled but meh... I'm human and can only take so many blows to my ballsacs before I collaspe.

But now I have to deal with this sh-t too with a fresh date? Hell at least laundry lady was brave enough to take the chance with me although I've always suspected she had her own agenda. Meh


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Great...
> So it looks like fate is not allowing me to escape my problem is it?Either with my wife or with my date I have to learn how to be vulnerable,open,honest and transparent:slap:Vulnerability is just not my bloody strong suit,openness neither until I can trust someone,but I am honest(if asked),but transparent?Come on we just met!Now with my wife,vulnerability to her I have a limit on my patience I can't handle my affections unreturned feeling as if I'm chasing after a lost cause,I was open to her,and honest/transparent-and still shot down everytime. A part of me wonders if I had been more patient maybe we could have reconciled but meh... I'm human and can only take so many blows to my ballsacs before I collaspe.
> 
> But now I have to deal with this sh-t too with a fresh date? Hell at least laundry lady was brave enough to take the chance with me although I've always suspected she had her own agenda. Meh


Lol... Yea life's a bi!ch like that... It doesn't let you escape your lessons. I just have to say that it takes tremendous courage and strength to be open, vulnerable, and yes even totally honest with people. No, not everyone deserves it from you. Trust is difficult and must be earned. Its just a date so not saying bare your soul but do what's appropriate for the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Also try not to project past experiences onto the present.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

fact is, you can change the vibes you give off. it takes a lot of practice and acting, until you so damned used to it that it doesnt feel like acting anymore.

anyone who says that you cant change who you are has never done it before.

i have done it. im a completely different person than what i was ten years ago.

its not easy, but its doable. just dont expect fast results... lol


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Exactly, but what if I wasn't so lucky as this time if this date doesn't work out? This close call made me realise/remember that despite my charm I can still get shot down/considered non-relationship material regardless of who I know I am.

It's not everyday I meet quality women so I like to make sure I cover all the angles and don't give out wrong impressions!

@Asladain

Hmmm, if that is so, what could it be about me that gives off this vibe? I'm sure you have met men who you considered to be 'players' no? How can I maintain my natural self without giving off the vibe? What do I have to change in particular?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Exactly,but what if I wasn't so lucky as this time if this date doesn't work out?This close call made me realise that despite my charm I can still get shot down/considered non-relationship material regardless of who I know I am.
> Bah!But as they say-if one doesn't know what they are missing out on it's just not meant to be right?And it's not my responsibility correct?
> 
> So is it safe to assume at this point that there is no way I can rid myself of this 'vibe' I give out?


You may need to become more self aware. Likely , your defense mechanisms cause you to act in such a way that you give off the wrong impression. Players are no different than the rest of us . They are human. They have problems and feel insecure like the rest of humanity . On some levels I think they are more guarded and more scared than some of us thus the need for such a dramatic display of confidence/ dominance.

I'm not saying you are a player. Maybe you are emotionally closed and guarded yourself. Combined with being outgoing and"confident" very flirty ..... Gives that impression. Must be pretty strong if its a first impression whatever it is._Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think I can relate to your situation. Most of the men I dated after my ex and I separated were intimated by me. I have no idea why. Finally, I asked a male friend of mine, and he told me that he can see why I was intimatating to men, and he was a super confident outgoing guy. He really didn't give me an explanation as to why, and even in the relationship I've been in for a year, I think he's intimated by me.

I can only come up with a few assumptions. I am confident, outgoing, smart, educated, support myself and kids, and have a decent career. I am not needy and I NEVER show my insecurities (and I do have them). I have trouble being vulnerable in relationships, I don't want men to see my weaknesses. This may come from a toxic marriage, but who knows really.

Maybe when You feel comfortable to share or expose yourself completely, then women won't feel as though you are a player. You need to show your genuine self.

I''ll continue reading though to see what others think.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

working_together said:


> I think I can relate to your situation. Most of the men I dated after my ex and I separated were intimated by me. I have no idea why. Finally,I asked a male friend of mine,and he told me that he can see why I was intimatating to men,and he was a super confident outgoing guy. He really didn't give me an explanation as to why, and even in the relationship I've been in for a year,I think he's intimated by me.
> 
> I can only come up with a few assumptions. I am confident, outgoing, smart, educated, support myself and kids, and have a decent career. I am not needy and I NEVER show my insecurities (and I do have them). I have trouble being vulnerable in relationships, I don't want men to see my weaknesses. This may come from a toxic marriage,but who knows really.
> Maybe when You feel comfortable to share or expose yourself completely,then women won't feel as though you are a player. You need to show your genuine self.
> ...


This is what I am trying to get at. Being smart, confident and outgoing alone doesn't say"player"to me and I think I have good player radar. It's something else. And again, players have issues and are not genuinely as confident and together as they may seem and portray themselves to be. Not in my opinion. Not from my experience. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The concept of a vibe, I feel is very real. It's just a matter of who is paying attention.

I have a female friend who has been single for years. She happens to own a karate dojo, and is a strong personality ... so maybe she intimidates guys in that setting. But she never even gets approached ... and she's hot.

She never ever tries to attract attention to herself in public, and she without a doubt gives off a ' don't even think about coming near me or saying a word', vibe. I asked her how often she gets hit on, and her answer was 'never'. I found that to be remarkable.

I, without question, give off an entirely different vibe now, then I did a few years ago. Not just with women, but with people in general.

In your case RD, maybe women are reading your vibe. Maybe they know a bit of your history ... or they have heard some things.

I think you can change your vibe. Question is, should you and do you really want to.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The vibe is consistent both with friends of friends and total strangers - I definitely give it out, and it's not passed down through word of mouth.

Nowadays I actually have a very nice friendly smile apparently so it's not the 'bad boy' 'tough guy' 'don't touch me' vibe that I give out (unless I do intentionally give it out if I'm in a bad mood) so I don't see how I'm intimidating them through that way.

If it's not my confidence/charm/sociable personality that taps their 'playerdar' I want to know what it is :scratchhead: . Looking back it seems to have bugged me all my life even with my STBX wife - we were friends, STRICT friends for a full year before anything else.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> =/
> 
> Vulnerability, insecurity, and dependence?! But then they might run away for the complete opposite reason so I'll never win!!!
> 
> ...


I have been married to the same woman for 26 years and I didn't have a lot of game to begin with, but I have come to understand the alpha/beta "Golden Ratio".

Ha ha and you are the one asking the question.

Think about it.

Take care Dude!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So the ladies want a vulnerable and insecure man who is dependant on them? lol

Kidding I kid! Hehe 

Now ok, I guess I can work to show that I'm still human - which I did to get the number recently. But it would be preferable if I don't give off the negative first impression straight off the bat! Bah!


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## NovellaBiers (Dec 11, 2013)

Ladies want a man that when he bashes his huge fist on the table the birds will start flying to the south.


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