# Needing some guidance.



## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

Hi all. I am new to this site, and found it while searching for help and support. My wife and i have been married 2 years this coming February. During those 2 years, we have been through a lot. We have moved across the country twice in less than 6 months while trying to get custody of my daughter (story for another time), slept in our car for weeks while broke, and various other things that really pushed us and made us a stronger couple.
This past week though, she comes to me saying she was depressed, unhappy, and just didnt think our marriage would work. She said she still loves me, and is even still IN love with me, but isnt happy, and therefore thinks leaving will help. When I asked what was wrong, she said that she feels like she is in this marriage alone. There is a lot more I can and will get into, I am just wondering if there is anybody on here that has been through something similar, and if so, did you make it through the rough times. And if you did, how? I am still hopeful we can work through this, I just need some help!!! She has a history of depression. That has probably flared up, and it is probably worse since we also have a 8 month old daughter. From what I have read, she could be having some bad postpartum depression going on. Her family life was bad as a child too. Her mother overdosed on heroine, and stepdad hung himself last year. All this has piled up, and she is having a hard time. The problem is I dont want to make her any more mad bring up the depression issue. I dont know what to do.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

mr.toosensitive said:


> Hi all. i am new to this site, and found it while searching for help and support. My wife and i have been married 2 years this coming February. During those 2 years, we have been through a lot. We have moved across the country twice in less than 6 months while trying to get custody of my daughter (story for another time), slept in our car for weeks while broke, and various other things that really pushed us and made us a stronger couple.
> This past week though, she comes to me saying she was depressed, unhappy, and just didnt think our marriage would work. She said she still loves me, and is even still IN love with me, but isnt happy, and therefore thinks leaving will help. When I asked what was wrong, she said that she feels like she is in this marriage alone. There is a lot more I can and will get into, I am just wondering if there is anybody on here that has been through something similar, and if so, did you make it through the rough times. And if you did, how? I am still hopeful we can work through this, I just need some help!!! She has a history of depression. That has probably flared up, and it is probably worse since we also have a 8 month old daughter. From what I have read, she could be having some bad postpartum depression going on. Her family life was bad as a child too. Her mother overdosed on heroine, and stepdad hung himself last year. All this has piled up, and she is having a hard time. The problem is I dont want to make her any more mad bring up the depression issue. I dont know what to do.


Have you talked about MC or IC?


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

ihatethis said:


> Have you talked about MC or IC?


I did bring it up, but I think it was a little soon lol. Her reaction wasn't the best in the world.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

You cannot make someone want to get help, but if she truly is in love with you, she will do what she can to get through this and make your marriage work. The reality is, we are all unhappy at times in our lives, but that doesn't mean we give up on our spouse. You work through it together, but this can only happen if she is willing to put in 100% effort as well. 

You need to sit down with her again and tell her that you love her and you want her to be happy, but she has to WANT it to get better. If she does, she will do what she can to get through it. Maybe she would feel more comfortable going into IC to start with.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

mr.toosensitive said:


> I did bring it up, but I think it was a little soon lol. Her reaction wasn't the best in the world.


Too SOON? If she is talking dissolution, if anything, it may be too LATE.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Where exactly does she want to go?


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

All good points, and thank you for taking your time to try and help.
I have no idea where she wants to go from here. She is in such a heavy fog right now, I dont think she knows what she wants to do. 

She randomly texts and calls every day to check on me, and let me know what she is up to. Thats why im unsure whats going on!!


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

Do you think that PPD could be an issue? Thats what I have been thinking.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

mr.toosensitive said:


> Do you think that PPD could be an issue? Thats what I have been thinking.


Yes, definitely could be. Have you asked her this?


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Yes, definitely could be. Have you asked her this?



That is my plan tonight. I really want to go to a counselor together and see what they think, but she is exhibiting all the symptoms a friend of mine had after her son was born. She has had depression issues in the past, and with PPD, I know she must be having a hard time. I wont ever give up on her either. I love her and my first concern is her wellbeing and our family.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

You may very likely be dealing with PPD or some other form of depression. It skews the way you see everything. Every struggle seems too hard & you do feel very much alone. Start with telling her she's not alone & how much she means to you. Then ask her what you can do to show her that you're in this together.


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

hotshotdot said:


> You may very likely be dealing with PPD or some other form of depression. It skews the way you see everything. Every struggle seems too hard & you do feel very much alone. Start with telling her she's not alone & how much she means to you. Then ask her what you can do to show her that you're in this together.


Yeah. That is what I have heard. Thanks to everyone for the guidance.
I have high hopes we can get through this. These first couple of days are just so hard, it seems like it wont ever get better, but I have to do it for my family!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mr.toosensitive said:


> That is my plan tonight. I really want to go to a counselor together and see what they think, but she is exhibiting all the symptoms a friend of mine had after her son was born. She has had depression issues in the past, and with PPD,* I know she must be having a hard time. I wont ever give up on her either. I love her and my first concern is her wellbeing and our family.*


You sound a wonderful supportive husband & father... she is very blessed to have you in her life, given what you shared about her mother overdosing, her step Dad hanging himself.. I can't imagine what sort of examples she had growing up.. 

You are her strong anchor in life.. 

There was a woman in my Mops group yrs ago.. she had Post Partum Depression...I didn't know what was wrong with her.. she couldn't smile, she was a completely different person for a time.. then one day, after she was coming out of this.... she spoke in front of all the ladies sharing her private hell during that time frame... she had to be put on meds.. her husband was very patient with her.. the ladies in our group -what would she have done without them.. some of us were crying -it was so emotional.. it was also so vulnerable of her to share so openly like that.. I got a good learning on how severe this can be to some new Mothers. 

I wouldn't take this personally ..not with the symptoms you are sharing here...you have lots of hope. but a not so easy road ahead of you being supportive, helping her through it ... 

Even if she did want to leave.. where would she go ?? Does she work?? ... with a relative, sister, a friend ? If she is texting you as much as she is.. she's still leaning on you.. no matter what she is speaking ... her mind & emotions are being hi-jacked by this depression.. (if this is what is going on)...



> Symptoms of mild PPD include sadness, anxiety, tearfulness, and trouble sleeping. These symptoms usually appear within several days of delivery and go away 10 to 12 days after the birth. Usually the only treatment needed is reassurance and some help with household chores and care of the baby.
> 
> About 20% of women who have postpartum blues will develop more lasting depression. It is very important to let your health care provider know if you experience "blues" that last longer than two weeks.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

You said she texts you all the time...are you saying she's already left and is living somewhere else?

What specifically is she unhappy about?

You said she feels alone. What does that mean? Are there specific things she thinks you are not doing?


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## boardwalk (Oct 17, 2015)

I agree with SimplyAmorous - if this is depression then do try to not take it personally, as hard as that will be for you. If she has already experienced an episode in the past it is very probable she has PPD. 

It might be a good idea to avoid the MC for now and get her to a medical doc for evaluation. A gp is fine or a psychiatrist is even better. Whatever will make her more comfortable.

Do go with her if you can, as support for her and it may also help you as well. Plus, it's incredibly hard to even get to a doc when you're depressed, let alone articulate how you are feeling. Once she is feeling better whether from medication or therapy (or both), then you can try MC if you both believe you can benefit. 

All the best to you, hang in there, you sound amazing and supportive.
Hugs.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

intheory said:


> You've been married 1 year, 8 months.
> 
> In that time your wife has dealt with:
> 
> ...


 It's strange.. I read that whole post just like you .. but the only things that stood out to me was her having this baby.. the depression...and how he sounded ALL IN ....would do whatever it took... but yeah.. WOW.. there IS a ton of STRESS many of us couldn't even fathom going on here [email protected]#$ Oh my! I feel I need slapped in the head for overlooking these things !


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

boardwalk said:


> I agree with SimplyAmorous - if this is depression then do try to not take it personally, as hard as that will be for you. If she has already experienced an episode in the past it is very probable she has PPD.
> 
> It might be a good idea to avoid the MC for now and get her to a medical doc for evaluation. A gp is fine or a psychiatrist is even better. Whatever will make her more comfortable.
> 
> ...


Thank you all! This is truly a huge help in this struggle.

She has suffered from depression for a while, and used to be on meds for it, but hasnt been for a few years. Yes, big mistake.
I wont take it personally. After reading about PPD, i can see why her world is skewed!




intheory said:


> You've been married 1 year, 8 months.
> 
> In that time your wife has dealt with:
> 
> ...


I know she is in need of stability. I do have a full time job, and pay all our bills. Personally and emotionally, I am ok. I had a small bout of depression after my first wife left while I was in Afghanistan, but never have had a problem since.




kag123 said:


> You said she texts you all the time...are you saying she's already left and is living somewhere else?
> 
> What specifically is she unhappy about?
> 
> You said she feels alone. What does that mean? Are there specific things she thinks you are not doing?


She has asked me to go to my mothers house for a while. She feels like she is the only one putting forth effort in our marriage, house, etc. I know I can always do more, and should and (god willing if she lets me) show her I will. Stuff like helping around the house more.




SimplyAmorous said:


> You sound a wonderful supportive husband & father... she is very blessed to have you in her life, given what you shared about her mother overdosing, her step Dad hanging himself.. I can't imagine what sort of examples she had growing up..
> 
> You are her strong anchor in life..
> 
> ...


Thank you! I wish I could give you a hug!! This has got to be so hard for her! I just want her to be happy, but she said no to going to a doctor. The only option I can see is to have her grandfather step in. He knows her past history, and knows what is going on.



intheory said:


> AYK! You are so sweet and sympathetic; and maternal. That is why you see those things.
> 
> I've never had kids; and can be a bit detached, overall.
> 
> That's what so great about these forums; all different types of advice from all different kinds of people.


I agree!!! Again, thank you all so much. I consider you all friends, and greatly appreciate your imput!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, do not move out. Work on your marriage. Do you have your other child living there, too? Is your wife working? Is someone helping you watch the child? Are you spending time with her one on one? Line up a visit to a therapist anyway; tell her you're doing it and that if she doesn't want to go with you, she doesn't have to, but you hope she will, as this is too important to deal with without professional help. And then go to that therapist with or without her. But do NOT move out. And definitely ask her grandfather to start coming over more or calling her; she needs to get outside her own head.


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

turnera said:


> First, do not move out. Work on your marriage. Do you have your other child living there, too? Is your wife working? Is someone helping you watch the child? Are you spending time with her one on one? Line up a visit to a therapist anyway; tell her you're doing it and that if she doesn't want to go with you, she doesn't have to, but you hope she will, as this is too important to deal with without professional help. And then go to that therapist with or without her. But do NOT move out. And definitely ask her grandfather to start coming over more or calling her; she needs to get outside her own head.


I plan on getting back to the house today or tomorrow. I want to and will work through this with her. Sadly no. My oldest daughter is not with us. Her mother was able to convince the court to let her current husband adopt her and have my rights taken away. I have been doing everything to get some one on one time with her. Between her job, mine, and the fact she really doesnt want to see me right now, its hard. I have already set up an appointment with a therapist for myself who is very pro-marriage, and will invite her to come. Her grandfather will be talking to her soon. He knows what her mom went through and how to handle her. thanks for your support!!


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

A quick update: My W called me last night saying she wanted a full nights sleep, and to come over so I could help with the baby. I said of course. I had the baby all night, and nothing happened between us physically. 
When I got up to leave for work, she was still asleep, so I walked over, gave her a kiss, and told her I loved her. 
I just went over there for lunch today, and she asked why I didnt say bye this morning to her. i told her I didnt want to wake her, but I did say goodbye. She asked me specifically what I did, so I told her. She was kinda shocked, but said ok. I left after lunch and said goodbye. She just text me asking why I didnt kiss her when I left, and I told her I am still kind of awkward when I tell her goodbye, as our normal thing was a big hug and kiss. She said whatever. I dont know what to do, because now it seems she wants affection, but asked me to go to my mothers. :-(


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

intheory said:


> Although it's somewhat confusing behavior coming from her; if she wants physical affection, that's great. A good sign.


I agree, but how much affection would be too much? I dont want to take 1 step forward and 2 steps back if I do too much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you back living in the house?


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

turnera said:


> Are you back living in the house?


I am in the process of getting back into the house. I have been staying there every night for the past couple of days after she asked me to help with our daughter at night. So to me, thats a step in the right direction.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What process? Just bring your stuff in and start sleeping there.


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

turnera said:


> What process? Just bring your stuff in and start sleeping there.


I dont want to rush her. I know it is my house too, but I dont want to destroy what little progress there is.


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

intheory said:


> I think being a gentle, considerate guy is a good thing.
> 
> But you might be starting to exhibit some "nice guy" behaviors.
> 
> ...



I'm lucky we have some roommates who keep an eye on here, but I agree. She is never completely alone with the baby. I dont think she would ever do anything, but I am being careful.

We talked last night, and I will be there every night from now on. And on the affection note, she has been a little more touchy the past 24 hours. So I have more hope now than ever!! :smile2:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just start living there again. Good grief.

You can't NICE your wife back into caring for you. In fact, trying to 'please' her by leaving whenever she snaps her fingers makes her LOSE respect for you.

Just start living there. Don't say a word. Put your toothbrush back in the bathroom. When or if she says anything just say 'this is my home' and move on.


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

So a pretty big update: My W confessed to having feelings for a co-worker. I knew they were good friends, but I never knew this could happen. She says that they arent strong enough to want to leave me, but strong enough to question our marriage. I am back to leaving at the house also. 
I dont need negative comments like leave her, forget about her, etc. I wont

I am commited to this marriage. I want to know if you have been through something like this, and made it through, how?

And to clarify, nothing physical has happened between them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, first, you'll have to get to the bottom of the OM. You need more data on how far it's gone. And NOT from HER. 

Second, now that you're back in the home, you need to address her depression as well as what, if anything, is wrong with your marriage. Give her a reason to choose you. I'd start with reading His Needs Her Needs, to show you what a good marriage looks like, so you can see if you're there, and what to do if you're not.


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

turnera said:


> Ok, first, you'll have to get to the bottom of the OM. You need more data on how far it's gone. And NOT from HER.
> 
> Second, now that you're back in the home, you need to address her depression as well as what, if anything, is wrong with your marriage. Give her a reason to choose you. I'd start with reading His Needs Her Needs, to show you what a good marriage looks like, so you can see if you're there, and what to do if you're not.


Thanks for the info. 
I did talk to him, as I know all her co-workers. He understands he is potentially destroying a marriage, and will back off. Thats the good thing about her working at a resaurant. I go eat, and confront the guy  Nothing has ever happened, because he understands that she was married. He did admit to having a crush on her, but thats it.

I will go get that book today after work.


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