# Am I being too sensitive.. Ladies help



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Okay as many are aware SO had EA last fall. We have been rebuilding, but I have to admit feeling very sad and depressed even this far beyond the situation. Sometimes when it is a beautiful day I reflect back to how she was meeting, enjoying and digging the OM on a similar day while I knew nothing about it last fall, and it depresses me. Yesterday, she was discussing various wines with my daughter and she said there was a wine that went with steak and was good etc. I pretty much KNOW this must have been at one of her dinners at OM house. Also, there is a love song that she absolutely loves that was popular around that time. Should I confront her about this? Just the fact that she gave herself to another person sucks. I feel like I'm just not ever going to get over this fact with her. I've run out of gas but put on a happy face. She has been really good to me lately and tells me how much she loves me often. Counselor says its a defense mechanism because I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I have a hard time believing she loves me after what happened. I still think she isn't telling me everything that happened and this makes me sad too. Will I ever get over this or am I just wallowing in the past? HELP!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> I've run out of gas but put on a happy face. She has been really good to me lately and tells me how much she loves me often. Counselor says its a defense mechanism because I'm afraid of being vulnerable.


Uh, yeah .. DUH! How do you feel about your counselor? Do you feel he/she is really helping you get in touch with the hurt and resentment you still have in order to work through it? Okay, you are using a "defense mechanism." That is a label; that does not actually DO anything constructive, as far as I'm concerned, other than give you a name for what you are feeling. 



Bodhitree said:


> I have a hard time believing she loves me after what happened. I still think she isn't telling me everything that happened and this makes me sad too. Will I ever get over this or am I just wallowing in the past? HELP!


Is your wife in counseling? Does you join you in all, or any, of your counseling sessions? Your wife can treat you as sweet as honey, but has she made genuine amends to you? Has she admitted to her wrongdoing?

This is my personal opinion, mind you, but when it comes to marriage counselors, I believe I had one of the best in the business. He goes to Seattle yearly for a Gottman conference. Go to Amazon or Barnes & Noble and search for books by John Gottman. He is considered one of the "gurus" on marriage counseling. I've read two of his books, and he is right on the money. My Gottman-trained counselor was right on the money too; he told me he didn't see my marriage surviving, and he was correct. In the meantime, we focused on ME and getting me past the resentments I held.

Yes, I am living proof that today I am past the hurt and despair that came with my marriage blowing up in my face. I went through lots of pain, doubt, and a tremendous sense of loss.

But here I am, in one piece and moving on with my life. Still "legally" married to husband, but haven't seen him in almost three years, and we live 2,700 miles apart.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

To me what you are describing is still an EA with its signs of addiction-related behaviors. All aspects of the affair have to be deliberately eradicated for the addictive elements to disappear. The wine and the lovesong re-ignite the feelings that were attached to the OM and that gets the same juices going that by now should be going with YOU. 
It would be fair to ask her, What about that time in your life provided something that you still want, and can we plan to provide that for you together in our marriage? 
I had a deliberate sexual affair to end my former marriage. My ex assumed it was a classic EA ("because that's what women do"). It was not! It was very non-emotional. I had a celibate marriage--my ex had zero libido-- and with the OM I was getting sex! So simple. And if only my ex had provided sexual energy in the marriage I would not have left. But all he cared about were his ideas of why I had an affair, rather than listening to reality. After the OM encouraged me to get an attorney, and I started the divorce, I stopped seeing him; he had served his purpose. I know that sounds strange but it's an illustration of the idea that we are using the other person to get something satisfied. Interestingly, although I had not planned to remarry, after the divorce one guy came along who overwhelmed me with attentive sexual energy and, well, I knew what I wanted and we are now married. He knows how to keep me happy, if i was willing to have an affair over NOT getting it the last time around! (Sexual energy embraces a lot of other things, naturally, not just sex... it's a way of being.)

I am one of those who believe that an affair is not a one-time event, it's a long process that ends in adultery. It slowly provides something that was not being provided elsewhere. If you can be brave and listen to WHAT was being satisfied, what need was there, then you should be given the opportunity to build that into your marriage with her. Meanwhile, come up with new love songs for the two of you, and explore new things--maybe that is what the wine did for her. Ask. And listen. I deeply believe that the 2 of you can learn to create an extraordinarily satisfying "new" marriage from here on out. 
But of course that's just me. I'm not a professional by any means. Just another woman who walked away from a man who wouldn't listen.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> Okay as many are aware SO had EA last fall. We have been rebuilding, but I have to admit feeling very sad and depressed even this far beyond the situation. Sometimes when it is a beautiful day I reflect back to how she was meeting, enjoying and digging the OM on a similar day while I knew nothing about it last fall, and it depresses me. Yesterday, she was discussing various wines with my daughter and she said there was a wine that went with steak and was good etc. I pretty much KNOW this must have been at one of her dinners at OM house. Also, there is a love song that she absolutely loves that was popular around that time. Should I confront her about this? Just the fact that she gave herself to another person sucks. I feel like I'm just not ever going to get over this fact with her. I've run out of gas but put on a happy face. She has been really good to me lately and tells me how much she loves me often. Counselor says its a defense mechanism because I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I have a hard time believing she loves me after what happened. I still think she isn't telling me everything that happened and this makes me sad too. Will I ever get over this or am I just wallowing in the past? HELP!



First of all, her EA was only last fall. That's still pretty fresh. You have to take as much time as you need to "get over" it. Pushing yourself to do so will only cause resentment inside you.

I am bothered by the fact that she would have such a discussion. To me that signals that she still has pleasant memories associated with the EA/OM. There is a song that reminds me of my EA and it sickens me. I can't listen to it. If it comes on the radio I have to turn it off. And mine happened a very long time ago.

She needs to honestly be disgusted with herself for what she did, and truly remorseful deep down, or else you're not going to be able to get over the pain of her betrayal. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's how I feel, having been there.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Wait....so she was going over to have dinner with this guy at his house and they had a romantic song together and she says there was nothing physical? I find that hard to believe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Are you sure it didn't turn physical, Bodhitree?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yeah.. sounds fishy to me! Hope it's not.

But regardless...this is still relatively new for you and your still raw. I know I would be in your shoes.

Give yourself time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think part of the problem here is she appears to be continuing to have happy memories based on her time with the OM.

That's not someone who is remorseful at all.

And that's pissing you off. (quite naturally btw)


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

Tell her! Confront her! If she's really trying to work towards R she will amend her ways. She needs to know. More importantly, you need to know where she stands

I'm trying to R with my BS and I am constantly reminding him that he needs to let me know what else I can do.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> First of all, her EA was only last fall. That's still pretty fresh. You have to take as much time as you need to "get over" it. Pushing yourself to do so will only cause resentment inside you.
> 
> I am bothered by the fact that she would have such a discussion. To me that signals that she still has pleasant memories associated with the EA/OM. There is a song that reminds me of my EA and it sickens me. I can't listen to it. If it comes on the radio I have to turn it off. And mine happened a very long time ago.
> 
> She needs to honestly be disgusted with herself for what she did, and truly remorseful deep down, or else you're not going to be able to get over the pain of her betrayal. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's how I feel, having been there.


If (and when) I were to ask her about this she would say something to the effect that since they were only friends there is no emotional memory associated with OM. She would say she was talking about wine not the time with OM even though he probably gave it to her. As far as the song goes, I want to be sure that you know that is my interpretation. I know it was popular during the time that she was resolved to end our relationship and found a "listening ear" in this loser of a man (and he is a BIG loser). I think she is completely embarrassed and wants it long gone, but then she'll say things like about the wine- on mothers day no less. She has said to me "I never ever want to be in that place again" - referring to last fall. She was working like 70 hours a week and was staying up all night literally bringing work home. Says she was sleep deprived and was actually almost out of body when telling lies about whereabouts etc. Right now she is the perfect partner- quit job, goes to counseling, and reiterates at least three times a day that she loves me. But then I tend to focus on these "little" things that bother me and feels like I'll never get past this. Oh well.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> If (and when) I were to ask her about this she would say something to the effect that since they were only friends there is no emotional memory associated with OM. She would say she was talking about wine not the time with OM even though he probably gave it to her. As far as the song goes, I want to be sure that you know that is my interpretation. I know it was popular during the time that she was resolved to end our relationship and found a "listening ear" in this loser of a man (and he is a BIG loser). I think she is completely embarrassed and wants it long gone, but then she'll say things like about the wine- on mothers day no less. She has said to me "I never ever want to be in that place again" - referring to last fall. She was working like 70 hours a week and was staying up all night literally bringing work home. Says she was sleep deprived and was actually almost out of body when telling lies about whereabouts etc. Right now she is the perfect partner- quit job, goes to counseling, and reiterates at least three times a day that she loves me. But then I tend to focus on these "little" things that bother me and feels like I'll never get past this. Oh well.


I"ve read your other posts. The impression I always get (forgive me if I'm off base here) is that you have put yourself on a timeline for getting past what she did.

The BS is the one who gets to decide when things are better, not the other way around. It doesn't matter whether she was talking strictly wine or not. She shouldn't be bringing up _anything_ that happened during that time frame in a positive way.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Meant to post this in this forum- accidentally put on coping with infidelity forum. Okay need help again- you can see the history- I kept getting slammed for starting new thread. I continue to obsess about "what really happened" last fall with SO and OM. The hurt I feel is sometimes at fever pitch. She is doing an awful lot to pursue relationship with me- she used to get angry with me about almost everything. She has now become more approachable, and in the past two weeks two times she has said "I'm sorry" to me when we were at the beginning of an argument. In the past she would have gotten angry and it likely would have led to huge blow up. She consistently tells me she loves me as well. So here is my dilemma: I still feel like I've contributed a lot more to the reconciliation -admitting I could have been more intimate, more attentive, less judgmental, investigating my insecurity issues and mother issues in counseling. I'm also frustrated with counseling- it seems to be helping but when I have brought up her lying the counselor just looks at me. I think he is trying to take approach of "staying in the present" and not dwelling on the past. He appears to think we are very compatible and love each other so wants to move us forward so to speak. Also, since we are not legally married, and finances were one of her issues that she felt I kept control (we never combined money and she always felt she had less than) we opened a joint account and I have helped set up where she can get a lower interest rate on her credit cards (I am ultimately responsible if we separate). So I feel I have put myself on the line. To an extent as described above , so has she. New job etc. And here is the shocker (sarcastic)- she seems to have lost interest in sex and sleeps out on the couch most of the time. In my mind after she said attention was a big reason for her EA, this is hypocritical. She says it is because of her PMS and period and she is uncomfortable a lot of the time and can't sleep, is restless etc. The sex part the fact is that ever since the affair she has not been that "in" to me. No "fun" things like it used to be. She sort of laughs when I ask her if she is attracted to me, as if to say, yeah right is that a joke- of course I'm attracted to you. Just doesn't want sex very much like before affair. In my mind I'm saying it's because she never told me what really happened with OM i.e. sex and that somehow she is using that against me mentally. Anyway thoughts welcome- I am one of those people known to create stories about others motives etc. , but on the other hand is there anything to my thought process? I play the whole affair thing in my head at least a couple of times a week because I still can't believe she did it and that leads to me not believing that there was no PA. But she insists not. I'm driving myself crazy. Counselor says I "find" things to keep myself distant from intimate relationships and don't trust. I say no **** when someone lies to you like she has why should I trust that she loves me. Comments welcome.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

Hi Bodhitree - Your wife had an EA - it's no surprise she isn't attracted to you. It obviously has nothing to do with PMS, period, insomnia, etc. She is probably stressed, doesn't sleep well, and has no libido around you because she probably feels you are the cause in some way. 

I'm wondering why you want to stay with her? Do you think that you can't find another woman? Is this marriage better than being single?

My impression from your posts is you have self-esteem is low. Whether your self-esteem was low and that is WHY your wife had an EA or whether it's low BECAUSE she had an EA doesn't matter. What matters is right now. And right now, your self-esteem is low, and that's not very attractive to anyone. 

I see two plausible directions for you marriage:

(1) Understand your limitations, go love yourself more, be completely awesome and seduce the hell out of your wife. (She liked you once for a reason, no?)

(2) Understand your limitations, go love yourself more, be completely awesome and seduce the hell out of someone else. (As in, why stay with this woman if you can't feel good around her and she doesn't like you and can't get over all the history?)

Good luck.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

I've been in a similar situation with an unsubstantiated rumor about an affair but it hurt nonetheless to imagine that H might have had an affair. I've pretty much had to cope with the possibility because there was no proof for or against it.

I understand your counselor's suggestion to live in the moment instead of in the past. What actually happened really doesn't matter and it doesn't help you to move on. You have no control over what happened. There was a point where I was obsessed with finding out the truth and learning everything I needed to know about what might have happened. I couldn't find anything but that didn't stop me from obsessing. Now I tell myself that I had and still have no control over any of it. I only have control over me. When I feel myself obsessing or throwing myself a pity party, I ask myself "what is most important right now?"

I agree with Relationship Coach about why she may have lost sexual interest. Also, I think you need to find your confidence. If you don't think you're sexually attractive, she's not going to either. Don't ask her if she finds you attractive anymore, she's only going to give you the same answer.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> Meant to post this in this forum- accidentally put on coping with infidelity forum. Okay need help again- you can see the history- I kept getting slammed for starting new thread. I continue to obsess about "what really happened" last fall with SO and OM. The hurt I feel is sometimes at fever pitch. She is doing an awful lot to pursue relationship with me- she used to get angry with me about almost everything. She has now become more approachable, and in the past two weeks two times she has said "I'm sorry" to me when we were at the beginning of an argument. In the past she would have gotten angry and it likely would have led to huge blow up. She consistently tells me she loves me as well. So here is my dilemma: I still feel like I've contributed a lot more to the reconciliation -admitting I could have been more intimate, more attentive, less judgmental, investigating my insecurity issues and mother issues in counseling. I'm also frustrated with counseling- it seems to be helping but when I have brought up her lying the counselor just looks at me. I think he is trying to take approach of "staying in the present" and not dwelling on the past. He appears to think we are very compatible and love each other so wants to move us forward so to speak. Also, since we are not legally married, and finances were one of her issues that she felt I kept control (we never combined money and she always felt she had less than) we opened a joint account and I have helped set up where she can get a lower interest rate on her credit cards (I am ultimately responsible if we separate). So I feel I have put myself on the line. To an extent as described above , so has she. New job etc. And here is the shocker (sarcastic)- she seems to have lost interest in sex and sleeps out on the couch most of the time. In my mind after she said attention was a big reason for her EA, this is hypocritical. She says it is because of her PMS and period and she is uncomfortable a lot of the time and can't sleep, is restless etc. The sex part the fact is that ever since the affair she has not been that "in" to me. No "fun" things like it used to be.  She sort of laughs when I ask her if she is attracted to me, as if to say, yeah right is that a joke- of course I'm attracted to you. Just doesn't want sex very much like before affair. In my mind I'm saying it's because she never told me what really happened with OM i.e. sex and that somehow she is using that against me mentally. Anyway thoughts welcome- I am one of those people known to create stories about others motives etc. , but on the other hand is there anything to my thought process? I play the whole affair thing in my head at least a couple of times a week because I still can't believe she did it and that leads to me not believing that there was no PA. But she insists not. I'm driving myself crazy. Counselor says I "find" things to keep myself distant from intimate relationships and don't trust. I say no **** when someone lies to you like she has why should I trust that she loves me. Comments welcome.


Sorry I didn't see this thread originally when you started it. I just want to mention that though I'm not a woman I'm going to comment anyway, I'm in a similar situation to yours and it also sounds like we have similar personal outlooks on the whole thing, though of course I can't be sure of that just from what you've posted. My wife's EA was longer ago than your wife's and this stuff still bothers me, so don't worry about hurrying to get past it, because there isn't a deadline. The worries you express are apparently common, including whether it went physical. Also, I still have resentments when my wife brings up relatively innocuous things like a work project that involved the OM, so of course you feeling that way over things like a particular wine or romantic song is to be expected and is reasonable. But the main thing now is your wife needs to be doing all she can to help you get past all this. Her sleeping on the couch and avoiding sex has to be dealt with at some level fairly soon. I can't see things getting better no matter what she says as long as that kind of thing is happening.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

May need some help- haven't posted for a long time. I'm starting to work myself into a frenzy with SO. The idea that she hasn't been completely truthful about nature of relationship with man in EA (PA?) last October is grinding me today. I just had a close family member pass, so not sure if this is causing emotional issues indirectly. Last night, talked to her, and told her she just doesn't seem happy. In the past, I would feel guilty for this, but not last night. SHE is responsible for her own happiness! I was direct and basically told her that if she isn't happy she needs to say. She basically said it was due to stress at work. She is really trying hard, but is a troubled person right now. My thinking is that she never fully came clean about last fall and is carrying that. She is just different since it all happened 10 months ago. Even admitting he was more than a friend would suffice for me because it would be more real. But she insists he was just a friend even though he invited her to stay the night. She also had plans to go away for the weekend when I exposed everything last fall. She has never said a bad word about this guy to me even though he was clearly moving in on someone else's family. Anyway, the more I think about it, she hasn't been calling or texting me much the past few days. I haven't said anything to her, but then I get to thinking how she was texting OM 30 times a day sometimes at her old job - my ego says "why don't I get same attention now?". I haven't asked her because it seems like emotional vomit bull crap. We are driving to funeral about 5 hours away and I'm thinking I may just demand the truth from her. She's trying, but I am tired of whatever is going on with her. She attributes it to being very busy, a lot going on etc. We have stalled the marriage plan for now- not because we are fighting etc. - we are actually being a lot more honest and open so that part is much better than before. She just seems in a funk and I'm on high alert for an anger outburst (from me)! HELP!!


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> May need some help- haven't posted for a long time. I'm starting to work myself into a frenzy with SO. The idea that she hasn't been completely truthful about nature of relationship with man in EA (PA?) last October is grinding me today. I just had a close family member pass, so not sure if this is causing emotional issues indirectly.
> 
> Last night, talked to her, and told her she just doesn't seem happy. In the past, I would feel guilty for this, but not last night. SHE is responsible for her own happiness! I was direct and basically told her that if she isn't happy she needs to say. She basically said it was due to stress at work. She is really trying hard, but is a troubled person right now.
> 
> ...


Hi bodhi -- When you say demand the truth, do you mean about the EA? 

Are you still going to the counselor...what does she say? (Was it couples or individual?) I ask because one of the biggest obstacles to overcoming infidelity is extreme openness. Why? Because communication and honesty are the foundation of *any* good relationship -- how can you matchup with someone else if you don't let them know who you are, what you want, etc. (pre EA or post EA)

This matters here now more than ever because it's been 10 months, and you make it sound like there is a giant wall between you and your SO. On one hand, I think you really need to ask yourself 

(1) Why you stayed with a woman who treated you this way?
(2) Why you continue to stay with a woman who doesn't meet your needs?

You do say she's more open and honest (about EA?), but then you turn around and say she was unhappy/stressed and didn't tell you a thing about it until pressed. *That's not being open.* 

You are right, you can't control her happiness. But you can control what you do to impact that. Whatever she needs, she wasn't getting from you -- that's why she texted the OM 30 times a day. But if you're thinking about something that happened 10 months ago you aren't giving her what she needs today.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Relationship Coach said:


> Hi bodhi -- When you say demand the truth, do you mean about the EA?
> 
> Are you still going to the counselor...what does she say? (Was it couples or individual?) I ask because one of the biggest obstacles to overcoming infidelity is extreme openness. Why? Because communication and honesty are the foundation of *any* good relationship -- how can you matchup with someone else if you don't let them know who you are, what you want, etc. (pre EA or post EA)
> 
> ...


Hi RC: answer to your first question is yes, I want the truth about EA. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, but last couple of days it does. I asked her earlier in the week if more happened and she said no. Not in an angry tone or anything. I told her if I find out from someone other than her , it is over between us. Over the past 10 months she has maintained that nothing physical ever happened , he was just a friend. She has explained dissatisfaction at work, but says it will pass. I want this to work, but I'm tired of her non stop moods- she is just not the same as before all this happened. We have had a lot more openness about our relationship since counseling. We stopped going in May - counselor agreed we were ready to go on our own and that our underlying love for each other was evident. I want to say we are doing pretty good. But I am just frustrated today - I've gone 47 days without checking phone bill calls etc. but today I want to look and see who she's calling etc. I've gone 41 days not looking at porn. I had a close family member pass a week ago - IS THIS ME LOOKING FOR TROUBLE?? HELP AGAIN!! THANKS


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

Haha - of course you are looking for trouble! Right now, the only way for you to dodge it is do exactly what you are doing -- remind yourself WHY it's useless to check the phone bill and why you're better off not looking at porn. The "trouble" you get into is when you forget these things...

To me, you're living in limbo (because the EA STILL bothers you underneath it all). You need to make some stronger decisions for yourself (which you might be in the process of doing). Going 10 months without a detailed heart-to-heart/apology of everything that happened with an EA is really a slap in the face to yourself. Decide right now that you want to be treated a certain way and have certain needs met, or end the relationship. (I understand this might be hard on the heels of a close death, but death is a constant part of life -- you can't let it interfere with your happiness.)

Here's what concerns me specifically:

Saying "if I find out from someone other than her, it's over" is weak. It's a threat and it's not attractive and it's an attempt at control ("tell me or else!"). It's also a giant message in neon red announcing:

*I DON'T TRUST YOU*

This obviously is not attractive to her. So...do you trust her? If you don't, you have a massive hurdle to overcome. How can someone be an ally and make your life better if you aren't sure of their intentions??? Now...

-this could be your problem -- you are holding on to your past and AFRAID to trust again because of being hurt. Or,

-this could be your problem -- you are with someone who has given you clear indications that she is incapable of meeting your needs. 

There's no typo there. These are both on you and within your control. In the first case you need to think about "reminding" yourself that she hasn't done anything in 10 months (?) for you not to trust her and you'll never a strong relationship if you keep holding back. In the second case, you need to think about "reminding" yourself of what makes you happy in a relationships, and someone with a huge wall up who you can't figure out isn't that.

You want to look at the phone bill because you are insecure about this. You want to look at porn because your needs aren't being met. (Don't remember if there was some addictive component to the porn thing, apologies.) These are weak, temporary patchwork choices. They aren't solutions, they are patches, and they will not last. The solutions are presented above...

Good luck.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

*Can I get female perspective on this??*

Been 10 months since D day FYI:

A lot of last week I was obsessing about the fact that I truly believe she has never told me the entire story about whether it was an EA or PA. She still says he was a friend. Finally , on Friday, I told her it just doesn't make sense what she told me about it not going physical or emotional. I think if she just told me the truth I could deal with it but have strong belief she isn't.

Her reaction was as usual "I thought we were past this", and that "I (me) was lying to her because how could I tell her I loved her and at the same time not believe her (trust her) about extent of relationship with OM". She then locked herself in back room and sobbing uncontrollably told me to leave her alone. She also said she was "done with this". She then put on her clothes as if she was going to leave, which in the past months would have caused huge fear and out of control abandonment reaction on my part. 

While she was changing, I put on my shoes, so when she came out I said to her "I need to get out of here- I'm going for a drive for a while- you don't need to leave"- and I meant it. She said "you don't need to go" and stayed- and eventually went to bed with me. My response to her when she said she was "done" was that I calmly told her we could arrange for that if that was her decision. 

In all fairness to her, she had been really busy at work with a project and was exhausted. So, next morning, I did say I was sorry because I knew how exhausted she was - for me to discuss at 11:00 Friday after the week she'd had.

Anyway, I was happy with my response all the way up until the "I'm sorry for bringing this to you when you were tired etc." 

I wonder why she continues to be so defensive about this subject- 2 ideas: 1) despite her story she really did bang and suck OM and she is carrying the secret of it with her and anytime I bring it up it scares her that I might really find out the truth, i.e. I haven't let it go. 2) She is a person that carries a lot of shame anyway, and she didn't bang and suck him and the fact that she got involved and caught lying etc. is brings on so much shame that she freaks out. (or a combination of both)

This week has been okay for me. She seems a bit distant - hasn't been calling me or texting me from work at all for about two weeks now. But when I do call her, she is sweet and says she loves me etc. Last night she bought me dinner at nice restaurant, has returned my wedding band for a right size etc. She got sick the past couple of days, so that may help explain her distance as well.

Anyway- tell me how I'm doing!! I have really been focused on her this week - "does she REALLY love me, want to be with me etc. or is this another facade?" However still working on me and starting to think maybe it is inevitable that we break up after all these years. Is this another time when I am afraid of getting too close to her in fear of being abandoned again? So confusing to me. Comments please.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

You're in a really bad circle.

Case 1. (Let's assume she's been telling you the full truth since the EA)
You haven't been able to let it go and you've been pushing her away. She knows what she did was wrong and is hoping at some point you'll trust her again, but eventually she's going to come to realize that you never will (and maybe she's here now). So to her, there is not point in continuing the relationship because she realizes that 1. she blew it and 2. you can't forgive her.

2. Let's assume there was a PA
She's not being fully open about it and all of your worst fears are real and this is the reason you can't let it go etc. Because she's not doing what she needs to do to truly show you her love and devotion and win you back, you'll always harbor those feelings. 

Cycles suck and you're in one regardless of the reality.

You need to choose 1 or the other and stop waffling. Either step up and make it work or let her go. Now if you're going to make it work you need to do 1 BIG thing in counseling. You need to express that, assuming she's being fully open and honest, the WAY she's being open and honest isn't showing that to you. Have the counselor give you coping methods and her new ways to communicate her true regret and true desire to make this work.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> You're in a really bad circle.
> 
> Case 1. (Let's assume she's been telling you the full truth since the EA)
> You haven't been able to let it go and you've been pushing her away. She knows what she did was wrong and is hoping at some point you'll trust her again, but eventually she's going to come to realize that you never will (and maybe she's here now). So to her, there is not point in continuing the relationship because she realizes that 1. she blew it and 2. you can't forgive her.
> ...


Thanks D&H- great insight. I am so tired of my waffling. This is the way our ENTIRE 20 years has been. We never married because of this cycle. I always attributed it to her and her chaos, lying etc, but I could always rely on her loyalty - until last fall. 

Despite the fact that we went to quite a bit of counseling in which we discovered a lot about ourselves and relationship, I still hang on to "what REALLY happened". 

And so you are right our cycle continues- she pulls stunts (nothing recently that I know about) and I never let them go! Overall things have been good, with a lot of sharing and more openness from her than ever before about spiritual things. So, yes, cycle, and yes frustrating. I know however, that I am processing this. Just want things to be normal!!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Bodhitree

It sounds like you want this to work. If you do. Fix yourself. That's what you have control over. If she pulls "stunts". You have EVERY right to question THAT stunt, but don't keep going back to old issues.

Letting go of hurt is REALLY hard. I struggle with it myself. But I recognize that's a ME issue, not a her issue.

If you think your wife has changed and is being fully open...Stop punishing her. I know you are because you feel pain and it's natural to attack the person who caused it. But you gotta control that.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

I am not a woman but i can tell you that its best if you leave. These feelings will not go away

if you do not wish to continue suffering its best you leave and meet a woman who is truly capable of loving someone. There are much much better women out there trust me.


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