# She just walked out...what would you do?



## lonleyinlasvegas

Would love to get some feedback so I don't think I am going insane..

8 weeks ago I found some inappropriate text messages on my wifes phone by accident. I was really mad, told her she needs to stop texting this dude, he only wants to get into your pants, and she promised me she would stop.

Over the course of several weeks, there was lots of sneaky texting going on. Passwords appeared on everything where there were none before..She paid great attention to her looks and clothes every time she went to the gym (where she met this guy). I suspected, but trusted her as I always have the last 12 years that she was keeping her word. 

Last week I went into her office and there was another text from this same man. I freaked out, packed my bags and left for 2 days to stay at a hotel. (maybe a mistake on my part in retrospect..). 

When I came back, she left for 2 days and then refused to sleep in the same bed. She said I scared the crap out of her by leaving in anger. (I did tell her where I was spending the night and needed a few days to cool off). 

I wrote her a letter asking her to end this EA once and for all. I pleaded and told her how much I loved her. And I told her I felt betrayed and my trust in her was shattered. I have no reason to suspect a FA, but EA it certainly was and going to a bad place..

Two days later, low a behold, she droppped a total bombshell on me and asked to separate. Said I was being controlling, and brought up a 8 page complaint list of items in our marriage (some legit, others way off base..) from the last few years. I again pleaded with her not to go, as most separations end in divorce. She insists she needs her "space" and has no intention of divorce..

The way I see it, the timining of the separation request could not be more coincidental..clearly she values the EA with this person more than our marriage. I think she is delusional right now and not thinking clearly...I was blindsided and blown away. My world was shattered for two days. I felt a part of me had died. 

Looking for answers, I came across this board..I read about the 180 and started to practice it, as I was getting nowhere with pleading and professing my love... It was one of the hardest things in my life to do, but I did it. I told her today maybe she was right, maybe we do need to separate as she is not comming clean on what happened, nor ending the EA, nor willing to sit with a MC. I could see she was shaking tonight not knowing what to do.

She packed the pets up tonight and cried as she walked out the door (to stay at a friends house). It pained me to see her go. I so wanted to hug her and tell her to stay..but I told her this is what you wanted, space. Be careful what you wish for. Call me if you need any help. She asked if I was changing the locks. I told her I was here to help her in any way if she was willing to come clean and work on reconciliation and the issues she brought up.

And there walked the most precious person in my life for 12 years out the door..

I am now alone and feel terrible. I hope this works. Yes, I do deserve better, but I also love her dearly. I truly think she is having a momentary lapse of insanity and making a cascading set of bad decisions, one after the other.

I pray she comes to her senses..and comes back..but if not I am willing to move on and not be anyones doormat..

Please tell me I did the right thing?


----------



## SoWhat

You did the right thing.


----------



## Posse

You did the right thing.

The woman you were with for 12 years is not the woman you are currently dealing with. Your current wife has been replaced with a liar, a cheater, who is selfish, and who has NO regard for your feelings.

Your marriage as you know it is dead. The woman you thought you knew is gone. 

The old woman you knew might come back, or might never come back. You have no control over that. You can only control your boundaries and what is acceptable to you.

Should you eventually end up reconciling, which needs to be on your terms, your old marriage is dead and a new one will need to take it's place.

She left so she can carry on with this guy without you being in the way.

You can't nice her out of her affair. The way that sometimes works is to show her you are not willing to be her doormat or her plan B, and are confident about moving on with your life.

Keep up your 180, go dark on her, don't cave, see an attorney to know what your options are.

Expose the affair to everyone. Her friends, her family, the OM's family, his wife or girlfriend if he has one, at the same time as much as possible.Do not warn her you are going to do this.

Do not accept ANY responsibility for the affair. She is trying to shift the blame to you to justify her selfish actions. She is rewriting the marital history to keep from feeling the guilt she so richly deserves to feel. She owns the responsibility 100%.

Were it me, I'd file for Divorce, change the locks, pack her stuff up, and stick it in a storage unit, give her the key, pay the first month, and tell her where her stuff is.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

I do recall that the 180 seemed to be having a remarkable immediate affect..as had also told her I was going camping/fishing without her for a few days, and she seemed shocked and saddended that she was not invited. Further, I split our finances that day. I will no longer be blamed for any financial issues when the entire burden was on me to pay for everything. So a lot of new stuff hit her in just a few days. No more joint accounts. We now split every joint expense 50/50 and each is free to do whatever they wish with whatever is left after that. 

Should have done it years ago as it was always a point of resentment whenever funds were short. No more. I put my foot down and said you are now free to make as much or as little money as you wish every month as long as you cover your portion of the joint expenses we share. 

I plan to get back into shape quickly and purchase a mountain bike today to get back into riding, two things which i have neglected for years and were valid complaints.


----------



## Richardwell25

How long have you been married ?

It may just be temporary insanity !

I think you should take a step back from this situation and view it with a cold stance, Could there be any truth in any of the things she's found fault with. If so what can you do to change those things, if they can be changed !!!


----------



## Toffer

lonely,

Sorry you find yourself here.

Often times when one spouse leaves or pushes for a seperation or talks about needing space, it is typically so they can pursue their other relationship unfettered to see if it can go the distance. The unfaithful spouse usually keeps the faithful spouse in the background as "Plan B" if the fantasy doesn't work long term.

I'm a bit skeptical about this being on an EA though. If the two of you do decide to work on your marriage down the road, I think one of your conditions should be that she takes a polygraph so you can find out how far this went and if she has ever done anything like this before.

This wasn't a "a momentary lapse of insanity" on her part. It was a well thought out relationship. One that she went out of her way to hide and lie about to your face. Even when you gave her the chance to fix things, she continued to carry on with it.

You need to be strong and keep going down the road you have in front of you. Do NOT offer to help her. She needs to experience what life will be without you in it.

Good luck!


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

Been married 12 years and never had any reason to ever doubt her, ever. I have done that, and yes, she had some valid points (too many hours at work, not having many outside interests), but none that would rise to the level of "separation". 

No matter what happens I am committed to changing those things mentioned as some had to happen anyways. 

Love makes you do crazy things, as much as I hate to say it. While i dont think anything has gone physical yet, we are clearly in the danger zone when she walks out and takes the pets!


----------



## Toffer

Posse said:


> Were it me, I'd file for Divorce, change the locks, pack her stuff up, and stick it in a storage unit, give her the key, pay the first month, and tell her where her stuff is.


:iagree:


----------



## turkish

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> I do recall that the 180 seemed to be having a remarkable immediate affect..as had also told her I was going camping/fishing without her for a few days, and she seemed shocked and saddended that she was not invited. Further, I spit our finances that day. I will no longer be blamed for any financial issues when the entire burden was on me to pay for everything. So a lot of new stuff hit her in just a few days. No more joint accounts.we split every joint expense 50/50 and each is free to do whatever they wish with whatever is left after that.
> 
> Should have done it years ago as it was always a point of resentment whenever funds were short. No more. I put my foot down and said you are now free to make as much or as little money as you wish every month as long as you cover your portion of the joint expenses we share.
> 
> I plan to get back into shape quickly and purchase a mountain bike today to get back into riding, two things which i have neglected for years and were valid complaints.


I think this is the next step for me. Good lad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

The thing that makes me think she is not thinking rationally is that she took the dog and cat? Granted, she cared for them, and I can't say I ever did, but this seems like another power play. No only will I move out and withold contact but so will our pets! Little does she know and I am so happy not to have to take care of them! 

I talked to her Mother today and sure enough..she had been selling her the same bull, how she needs space, this is not a divorce, she can only take so much financial hardship (try getting a job, which I have begged her to do for years....)

At some point she has to accept responsibility for her actions, and I will not excuse them any longer, or let them slide as I did in the past, only to be the "bad" guy every time something goes wrong..

My heart feels ripped to shreds, and I mourn what may be the failure of our 12 year marriage, but there are plenty of fish in the sea at my age (44). And many of women that would appreciate someone faithful and devoted to a relationship.


----------



## losing my mind

You did the right thing. I would give you a high-five if I could.

I know it hurts, but you deserve better.


----------



## okeydokie

you seem to be on the right track, as hard as it is right now


----------



## Posse

Did you tell her mom she is having an affair?


----------



## Po12345

I'm right there with you man, my wife refuses to stop contact with this guy on Facebook, she had an EA with him and met up with him while 1000 miles away visiting family (no sex but lied to me about it), and she has removed all of my friends/family and blocked them, and now I see at least 3 of his friends are her friends, I HATE Facebook, I hate what it has done to our marriage.

I am going to give you the advice that everyone is giving me. You HAVE to start getting back into yourself, you have to be strong, download "No More Mr Nice Guy" and read it, or buy the book from a bookstore, either way, it is the best way to manage the 180 and to realize that you can be okay without her.

Every day is a battle for me, I found out a year ago, had horrible advice from a bad counselor, and foolishly put my wife on a pedestal and made her my emotional center. Now a year later it made things FAR worse, I have nothing left to hold onto so I find myself clinging/needy to her, and I hate myself for it. 

I know it will get better, but I can't continue to think that I will be fine "If the marriage works", I need to be fine regardless of whether I'm with her or not, that's what you need to work on too.


----------



## thunderstruck

Po12345 said:


> Every day is a battle for me, I found out a year ago, had horrible advice from a bad counselor, and foolishly put my wife on a pedestal and made her my emotional center. Now a year later it made things FAR worse, I have nothing left to hold onto so I find myself clinging/needy to her, and I hate myself for it.


Brutal post to read. Sorry you're going through this. The Nice Guy book is a good start. You might want to read _Codependent No More_. It helped me to understand some of what you described above.

Keep working on you. Stay strong.


----------



## Po12345

thunderstruck said:


> Brutal post to read. Sorry you're going through this. The Nice Guy book is a good start. You might want to read _Codependent No More_. It helped me to understand some of what you described above.
> 
> Keep working on you. Stay strong.


Man, I read some of your's too... ouch, you and I made the same mistake, against our better judgement we allowed our wives to talk to men formerly in their lives, thinking that would appease her...  

Best of luck, don't want to hijack this thread.


----------



## OhGeesh

Just focus on you and leave her be........

I can say now if my wife said she had a ONS and was crying "I'm so sorry." I could handle that!! If she said "I need my space and need to move out for a few weeks or month" all while txting probably bankging some guy............I would say "Bye Bye"!!


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

update- its been several weeks now. she seems terribly angry with me these days..i am sure because I closed our joint bank accounts and finally made her responsible for half the bills (she has little freelance income and has not put in any effort this year..)

I've done my best with the 180 while at the same time, leaving the door open to reconciliation down the road.

The funny part is I've been away for two weeks myself (did not want to stay in the house alone..) and have been having a blast doing new things with new people..

Maybe this separation is a good thing after all? I am sure we are equally to blame for many of the things and resentment that have been allowed to build up over the years.

From what I've been reading (divorce busters) this has all the classic signs of a mid life crisis..and treating it as such right now..

I did catch one little white lie this week. She told me she was going back home to her moms "indefinatley" but I quick call to her Mom confirmed that she has a return ticket a week later. And she boarded the cat (who boards a cat if they are not comming back?)

So maybe something positive will happen after six weeks after all, but if it does not, I am ready to move on and I have no guilt for being the one that demanded a legal separation..


----------



## RandomDude

Bleh, it saddens me when I see men on their knees. Never beg, never plead to a woman. Glad though, that you're starting to see that, and you did what you had to do to regain your self-respect.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Wow. I'd be really surprised if she wasn't getting her ashes hauled over the last few weeks.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

ashes hauled???


----------



## keko

Getting laid.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

Update- into week four of separation now.

she flew back home (5 states away) to stay with her mom, which i thought should have happened sooner. To take her away from the other guy..

Lo and behold, her Mother called me today and said she did not approved of her actions, always liked me, and will try and talk some sense into her when she gets home...seems word has been spreading around the family now about her affair with a 22 year (she is 41). 

she plans to stay there 3-4 weeks and then come back home and "find a place to live" she said, which broke my heart to hear..

but i've read enough now about emotional affairs and mid life crisis to know that she is not thinking clearly right now, it's all a rush of passion..

she has been nothing but faithfull, honest and trustworthy every day of our marriage for 12 years up until this point. I don't think our marriage should end over this..

as long as she is remorseful for her actions, and commits to terms for a new marriage, then I feel we should try to save our marriage..

maybe ours will be stronger when all is said and done, maybe not. but we deserve to give it a chance. 

I now plan to tell all the relatives this week what really happened, (not her version of events) and ramp up the pressure to not contact this dude ever again. 

I dont think we can start the healing process until he is out of the picture..


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

yes, as much as she has told her friends that everything was strictlly plutonic, i am having doubts now..I did tell her that if there was any PA, I would file for divorce in seconds..I may have to eat those words said in anger now...

she looks so guilt ridden it's not even funny. clearly she is in a lot of pain, but i am sure nowhere near what I am suffering..


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

the question for everyone today is, whenever she comes back from her moms, do I giver her an ultimatum? 

I am thinking of telling her, either she comes back, drops the OM and agrees to work on reconciliation or we file for divorce. I don't think I can mentally stand taking a 6-12 month separation like many stories on here..the pain is just too much for me..I need to move on if this goes on another few months...


----------



## keko

Would an ultimatum bring back the time and undo what she has done?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

nothing will undo what she had done. but let's be fair, everyone stumbles in life, sometimes big time..but if there is true remorse and a commitment to change, then there should be forgiveness.

i don't want to throw out 12 years of marriage, and all the good times we had over 4-6 weeks of mid life crisis.

as Patsy Cline said, "if you've got leaving on your mind, tell me now"

if she wants to leave, I am ready to move on, if not, I am ready to work on our relationship.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

From your description I don't get the impression that she wants to return to you.


----------



## DTO

I think the pain of her new situation is hitting home. Her EA was detected so she no longer has you subsidizing her life and backing her play. So now she has to work and not just freelance. Then, she had to go back home (can't afford her own place without a job). And, with all the disruption she probably can't afford to go see her EA / PA partner, who might not even want her now that she is available.

You definitely did and are doing the right things.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

everything in her behavior has been totally out of charachter the last 8 weeks. she is a clean freak and all the sudden stopped doing MY laundry which she has always done..

she started buying new fashionable clothes. she stated taking an hour to get "ready" for the gym (where they met). 

she started spending 20-30 hours a week working out (and needless to say, the OM was there many times also..)

she wanted to go to the movies with him alone because "i don't like comedy",,I put my foot down and said absolutley not. 

all the red flags were there, I just did not want to believe it. I trusted my wife since day one. She never ever gave me any reason to not trust her until the last 8 weeks. 

I am so disgusted that people treat marriage like its disposable. I honored my marriage vows, even when she spent years in depression and dealing with anorexia, and wanted to start a new carreer several times... I can't help but feel so used now. 

I am trying not to be bitter, angry or resentful as it's just not good for the soul, but I wake up mornings like this and it's hard to keep up the 180.

She has always been such a emotionally fragile person all these years, and now someone took advantage of that and told her everything she ever wanted to hear..and this is what happens...


----------



## Shaggy

IF she was changing her clothes, and spending an hour to go to the gym , and spending 20-30 hours a week, I unfortunately think you must assume it's gone PA. 

The amount of time she's spending at the gym would have her exhausted and in pain from hours of daily workout. After 8 weeks she'd be in fantastic toned shape.

Her reaction, especially leaving like she did shows she is trying to prolong the affair as long as possible by avoiding you and getting space to continue that affair. 

If it was caught and only 1-2 weeks old I'd say it may not have gone PA, but 8 weeks of 20-30 hours. Yeah it went PA. Then she had the audacity to actually ask to go on private dates when him!

You need to expose this affair wide and far like you've said you will, BUT you need to find out about the OM as well. See if he's got a GF and expose it to her.

She's no doubt in constant contact with this guy while she's gone. Skype, text, email. This separation is only helping the affair, not hurting it.

You talk about her remorse - yet I don't see any evidence of remorse. What you describe is a woman in an affair desperately trying to protect the affair and maintain contact.

While your waiting for all of this , I suggest you cancel her gym membership. Why should you be paying for that?

If she ever does show remorse, do not accept her back until she's taken an STD test and a polygraph, and given you full access to her phone/text/mail, and her whereabouts.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

she is a tri athelete and in training for several marathons, and yes, she does look like a million bucks body wise. has her own personal trainer and all. 

at this point does it make any real difference? EA or PA? Yes, I agree about the STD testing, but if there was any PA, I really don't want to know any details..


----------



## Shaggy

Ok, still 20-30 hours and getting dolled up at to the gym? 

I thought tri-athletes spent most of their time on the road or in the pool. The ones I've known where always on their bike or running.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

yup, that 20-30 hours per week includes pool time, bike time and gym time. problem is too many guys oogling her at the gym and my wife is the most outgoing, friendly person you will ever meet. I've warned her not to be gullible in the past..guess that did not work..


----------



## TBT

lonleyinlasvegas;935766
at this point does it make any real difference? EA or PA? Yes said:


> At this point with your mindset focused on just getting your wife back into your marriage maybe it doesn't.However,don't be surprised when the questioning starts to come after the mind movies start to roll.


----------



## keko

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> i don't want to throw out 12 years of marriage, and all the good times we had over 4-6 weeks of mid life crisis.


Finding excuses to victimize your wife will never fix the problem and she'll do it again and again and again.


----------



## SprucHub

Another way of putting this is you are trying to forgive her for something that she does not feel remorseful for. Respect her enough to let her figure out what she was doing was wrong, let her come to the conclusion, let her tell you the truth, then forgive her.

Forgiving her in advance is just rug-sweeping/begging her to come back.


----------



## Marduk

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> the question for everyone today is, whenever she comes back from her moms, do I giver her an ultimatum?
> 
> I am thinking of telling her, either she comes back, drops the OM and agrees to work on reconciliation or we file for divorce. I don't think I can mentally stand taking a 6-12 months seperation like many stories on here..the pain is just too much for me..I need to move on if this goes on another few months...


My opinion, no. Give her a separation agreement. Your marriage is done buddy and the sooner you put it behind you the better.

If she chooses to beg your forgiveness and try to reconcile, *then* you can choose to give her an ultimatum if you want. Not before.

Just my 2c.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

I think you may be right... It may be done...as painfull as it may be to admit, maybe its time to move on. how the hell did this happen so fast..? clearly there were big communication issues and unmet needs..how tragic for someone to throw away 12 years of marriage. 

Next week we sign a separation agreement and that is just a prelude/formailty to the inevitable divorce...

I've decided I don't want to live with the thought of someone walking out on me again who knows when..I am 42 and can do better..and I say that with great pain in my heart for the woman I once loved more than life itself..

But people are right, she is not the same woman I married. That person I knew is dead and long gone..this person is cold, calculating and hostile, bitter and could not give a sh*** about me, my feelings or our marriage..


----------



## kindi

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> I think you may be right... It may be done...as painfull as it may be to admit, maybe its time to move on. how the hell did this happen so fast..? clearly there were big communication issues and unmet needs..how tragic for someone to throw away 12 years of marriage.


I know it's painful and you're still in shock and awe and denial mode, but it's not really tragic when someone walks away from a long term relationship, whether they're married or not. "Typical" would be a better word.

I'm a fairly strong believer that most human beings are capable of monogamy but not over the long haul. Sure "some" marriages go for 30 or 40 years and some of those marriages are free from infidelity, a select few find a way to compromise, and communicate and make it work, but the vast majority of relationships fail long before that time. I think nowadays the average length of a marriage is something less than 10 years and the divorce rate is rapidly approaching well over 50% and the true failure rate of the remaining "intact" marriages is probably sky high.

Yes, looking at it in a statistical sort of way is rather cold, but perhaps the stark reality will make you realize, if not now, then at some future point that this is just how it is.. it hurts, and you may feel like a victim and your life isn't quite headed where you planned, but it's rather common to be exactly in the position you're in right now.

People are fickle. You had some good years together, and now it's over. One door closes, another one is going to open. 

Some day you'll look back at this whole thing as a rapidly fading bad memory.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

shock and awe is very well put..on the bright side there are 1,029 women between the ages of 28 and 34 within 10 miles of me on match.com, so there are clearly lots of fish in the sea..I could not resist checking to see if there is something better when my emotions hit rock bottom weeks ago...

but I will be more dilligent the next time around in choosing a mate...


----------



## MattMatt

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> she is a tri athelete and in training for several marathons, and yes, she does look like a million bucks body wise. has her own personal trainer and all.
> 
> at this point does it make any real difference? EA or PA? Yes, I agree about the STD testing, but if there was any PA, I really don't want to know any details..


When my wife cheated on me, I did not want any details, either.


----------



## KanDo

Lonely,

So sorry you are here. I want to commend you on your strength. IMO, you have played this unfortunate circustance in the best way possible. I sometimes figuratively hit my head against the wall when I read the stories of BS who plead and beg and despite all the sage advice offered in this forum, can't bringthemselves to do the 180.

Go luck


----------



## AFEH

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> everything in her behavior has been totally out of charachter the last 8 weeks. she is a clean freak and all the sudden stopped doing MY laundry which she has always done..
> 
> she started buying new fashionable clothes. she stated taking an hour to get "ready" for the gym (where they met).
> 
> she started spending 20-30 hours a week working out (and needless to say, the OM was there many times also..)
> 
> she wanted to go to the movies with him alone because "i don't like comedy",,I put my foot down and said absolultley not.
> 
> all the red flags were there, I just did not want to believe it. I trusted my wife since day one. She never ever gave me any reason to not trust her until the last 8 weeks.
> 
> I am so disgusted that people treat marriage like its disposable. I honored my marriage vows, even when she spent years in depression and anorexia, and wanted to start a new carreer. I can't help but feel so used now.
> 
> *I am trying not to be bitter, angry or resentful as it's just not good for the soul, but I wake up mornings like this and it's hard to keep up the 180.
> *
> She has always been such a emotionally fragile person all these years, and now someone took advantage of that and told her everything she ever wanted to hear..and this is what happens.


To take some good away from all this, it pays to adopt new life skills. For example it’s your ego that feels all that bitterness, anger and resentment. If you don’t learn to dissipate it, it will cause havoc with your body. So you need to be able to get away from your emotions for a while, give yourself a break, a holiday from them. You do this by observing yourself with what’s called your observer consciousness. You know your ego consciousness very well, that’s the one giving you all the pain as you go through this. Learn how to observe and develop your observer consciousness by reading Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books.



I was the one who introduced the 180 to the folks here at TAM. There was a craziness going on about doing more for the partner while in their affair etc. and it just seemed so very wrong, the opposite of what should be done so I looked for an alternative and introduced the 180 from http://www.divorcebusting.com/.

Also at that time the MC recommending the “do more for your partner” also advocated in an exceptionally strong way telling all and sundry about the partner’s affair. All that ever did was push the partner further away, truly further alienated them and made reconciliation almost impossible because it so antagonised and hurt the DS. Which of course had the effect of pushing the DS even more into the arms of the OM/OW and made their bond even stronger as they had common enemies and more to talk about in their emotional affair.

Rather I see these things as a man’s business. There is no need for anyone but you to know about your wife’s affair, as a man you don’t need anyone else to handle your own business. And by keeping it a private matter within your immediate family, that is you and your wife, you make reconciliation that much more possible.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

what was I supposed to tell people when they found out my wife left me? She was the one that made the mistake and the choice to cheat and leave me. 

I was not going to lie to her parents and my parents. As humiliating as this was, why should I cover up for her?


----------



## GetTough

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> Would love to get some feedback so I don't think I am going insane..
> 
> 8 weeks ago I found some inappropriate text messages on my wifes phone by accident. I was really mad, told her she needs to stop texting this dude, he only wants to get into your pants, and she promised me she would stop.
> 
> Over the course of several weeks, there was lots of sneaky texting going on. Passwords appeared on everything where there were none before..She paid great attention to her looks and clothes every time she went to the gym (where she met this guy). I suspected, but trusted her as I always have the last 12 years that she was keeping her word.
> 
> Last week I went into her office and there was another text from this same man. I freaked out, packed my bags and left for 2 days to stay at a hotel. (maybe a mistake on my part in retrospect..).
> 
> When I came back, she left for 2 days and then refused to sleep in the same bed. She said I scared the crap out of her by leaving in anger. (I did tell her where I was spending the night and needed a few days to cool off).
> 
> I wrote her a letter asking her to end this EA once and for all. I pleaded and told her how much I loved her. And I told her I felt betrayed and my trust in her was shattered. I have no reason to suspect a FA, but EA it certainly was and going to a bad place..
> 
> Two days later, low a behold, she droppped a total bombshell on me and asked to seperate. Said I was being controlling, and brought up a 8 page complaint list of items in our marriage (some legit, others way off base..) from the last few years. I again pleaded with her not to go, as most seperations end in divorce. She insists she needs her "space" and has no intention of divorce..
> 
> The way I see it, the timining of the seperate request could not be more coincidental..clearly she values the EA with this person more than our marriage. I think she is delusionsal right now and not thinking clearly...I was blindsided and blown away. My world was shattered for two days. I felt a part of me had died.
> 
> Looking for answers, I came across this board..I read about the 180 and started to practice it, as I was getting nowhere with pleading and professing my love... It was one of the hardest things in my life to do, but I did it. I told her today maybe she was right, maybe we do need to seperate as she is not comming clean on what happened, nor ending the EA, nor willing to sit with a MC. I could see she was shaking tonight not knowing what to do.
> 
> She packed the pets up tonight and cried as she walked out the door (to stay at a friends house). It pained me to see her go. I so wanted to hug her and tell her to stay..but I told her this is what you wanted, space. Be careful what you wish for. Call me if you need any help. She asked if I was changing the locks. I told her I was here to help her in any way if she was willing to come clean and work on reconciliation and the issues she brought up.
> 
> And there walked the most precious person in my life for 12 years out the door..
> 
> I am now alone and feel terrible. I hope this works. Yes, I do deserve better, but I also love her dearly. I truly think she is having a momentary lapse of insanity and making a cascading set of bad decisions, one after the other.
> 
> I pray she comes to her senses..and comes back..but if not I am willing to move on and no be anyones doormat..
> 
> Please tell me I did the right thing?


You broadly handled it better than many men by the sounds of it, certainly better than I did. Do not appease, beg, plead, supplicate. Let her initiate all contact. When she talks, don't argue, instead listen, empathize, validate her feelings. Don't promise to change. Change for yourself. Move on in your mind if you can, its your best chance of getting the choice back. Do not tell her you will be there for her to help her. Supplicative, kills attraction. Act somewhat indignant, cool, aloof, but not angry. Don't push her away but do NOTHING to show you are still interested (even if you are), like offering to do stuff for her, or be there for her, even if she begins to show remorse, be very careful not to express too much emotion. Do not tell her you love her right now. That is a Bad Idea.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

I had a real bad horrible feeling how this is all going to end. I know my wife is super emotional and fragile. 

One day, maybe next month, she is going to come home to a empty house after I have moved out to another state, and realize what horrific choices she made. The damage she caused the person who loved her more than anything in the world. 

Depression will set in and she will take a bottle of pills and end it.

I hope I am truly wrong. I pray that I am, but I know her better than anyone in the world and I have this sick feeling in my stomach that the pain she feels will be more than she can stand. 

If it's half the pain I am going through, she won't be able to take it.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

Get Tough, you are reading my mind and I plan on doing exactly that!

If there is to be a reconciliation, it must be on my terms otherwise it's not going to happen.

When someone sticks a knife in your back, nothing can ever be the same again. Our old marriage is dead. She killed it. 

Maybe there can be a new one, not sure. Time will tell.


----------



## AFEH

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> what was I supposed to tell people when they found out my wife left me? She was the one that made the mistake and the choice to cheat and leave me.
> 
> I was not going to lie to her parents and my parents. As humiliating as this was, why should I cover up for her?


Because you want her back in your life? Because you don’t want her to be embarrassed around the parents? Because you don’t want her to feel ashamed? Because you don’t want to drive her further into the arms of the OM? Because you don’t want to further alienate her from you?


I was with my wife for over 40 years. She had an affair about 4 years into our marriage. Right up to this day nobody and I really do mean nobody knows about it. Not even our two sons who are now in their 30s. This meant that my wife could be with me at weddings, christenings, funerals, birthdays, anniversaries etc. etc. without feeling any embarrassment or shame and be truly loved by my family.

With your good self, the cats out of the bag so to speak. I mentioned my way of doing things in response to those advocating telling all and sundry because for me at least it is not wise advice and does a whole lot more bad than it does good.

But even with your good self, you do not know for certain that the affair went physical so you may well be falsely “stoning and shaming” your wife in front of her and your family.


Keep your head up. You are doing exceptionally well.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

AFEH, I don't pretend to say I handled everything right, as emotions change from day to day. but I think you are right. Even though I read to do just that, in retrospect, I think it was a mistake on my part..as I am looking for reconciliation if it's possible..

and she is a proud person who will not take this well in that respect. 

All I can say is I was (and still am) grabbing at straws some days trying to do whatever it takes to make this work. I consider myself a super crisis manager at work, but even this is testing the limits of my skillset given what the consequences are to making the wrong decision..


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

update-she has been gone for almost one month now, and I tried not to spend one day in that empty house since then, as I can't bear the pain.

today she emailed me to say it will be one more month (or more) if she comes back..further, she is getting "another" place when she comes back...no doubt to continue to see the OM...

sorry, I cant take another month of this..nor will I stick around in town just to see her move out for good....I am going to rent a apartment in CA, move all my stuff out and she can come home to a empty house, whenever she decides to come home..


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

tommorow I meet with a divorce lawyer to start looking/planning ahead. and then meet with our MC for the last time to say nice try, but she is long gone..

it makes me sick to even have to read up on "separate property" and "community property" laws online. this is not something I ever wanted to know..let alone have to deal with..I feel sick to my stomach for having to plan legal strategy against my wife..


----------



## GetTough

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> update-she has been gone for almost one month now, and I tried not to spend one day in that empty house since then, as I can't bear the pain.
> 
> today she emailed me to say it will be one more month (or more) if she comes back..further, she is getting "another" place when she comes back...no doubt to continue to see the OM...
> 
> sorry, I cant take another month of this..nor will I stick around in town just to see her move out for good....I am going to rent a apartment in CA, move all my stuff out and she can come home to a empty house, whenever she decides to come home..


Act relatively unavailable like a CEO or movie star. Chase Amante's value/availability page is very interesting. You have low value to her right now, so you should make yourself quite difficult to contact. I know how hard this is, but try to get her out of your mind and focus on YOU. Do nothing to show interest in her. The more you contact her, the more she will feel forced to hurt you.... accept she is probably not coming home any time soon. Try to get to a place in your mind where you've really moved on, you don't need her, you're indifferent to her, like the ugly chick at the bar. She's there, but you're not going to be mean to her, and you're not going pursue her. She's just there in the background, and your focus is ELSEWHERE, on better things. Be like that. It's your best chance to get the choice back.


----------



## GhostRydr

Re: She just walked out what would you do....

1. Go and buy a bunch of cigars to hand out to the local cops who have had to come out time and again because of her drunken antics and actually beg me to leave her.

2. Go to Costco and get their excellent party sheet cake and have the words, "Free at Last" written on it

3. Invite some friends to celebrate

4. Go to my knees and humbly thank the lord for my freedom


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

Update, she has been gone for over 6 weeks now. She said she has no plans to come back and has not looked back. In retrospect, she had checked out mentally long before D Day... 

We sign legal separation docs next week, and then it is truly all over. I have no desire to reconcile after all this. I wished her the best with her new boy toy (who has no job, money and lives with his parents still-sorry just had to get that in...)

I find a new place a few weeks later and a new life begins again.

Everyone was right on target here, I could just not see it in the fog, why is TAM always right?


----------



## GetTough

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> Update, she has been gone for over 6 weeks now. She said she has no plans to come back and has not looked back. In retrospect, she had checked out mentally long before D Day...
> 
> We sign legal separation docs next week, and then it is truly all over. I have no desire to reconcile after all this. I wished her the best with her new boy toy (who has no job, money and lives with his parents still-sorry just had to get that in...)
> 
> I find a new place a few weeks later and a new life begins again.
> 
> Everyone was right on target here, I could just not see it in the fog, why is TAM always right?


One door closes, plenty more open. Good luck. You'll be okay.


----------



## dumpedandhappy

Hey, it's over. Divorce lawyer required. 
Oppurtunity for you to re-start your life.
There are many woman out there that would be very happy to love you, and in doing so you will find that you love them too. 
It's not a dream, it's reality. 
And for all you other guys, stop it already! 
Woman are a species, not ours! Don't beleive the hype, it gets better, there is a world of happiness for you waiting, go get it brothers. Leave the dissinterested broads while you still have your self-respect and that of others around you. Wusses.


----------



## anonim

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> I had a real bad horrible feeling how this is all going to end. I know my wife is super emotional and fragile.
> 
> One day, maybe next month, she is going to come home to a empty house after I have moved out to another state, and realize what horrific choices she made. The damage she caused the person who loved her more than anything in the world.
> 
> Depression will set in and she will take a bottle of pills and end it.
> 
> I hope I am truly wrong. I pray that I am, but I know her better than anyone in the world and I have this sick feeling in my stomach that the pain she feels will be more than she can stand.
> 
> If it's half the pain I am going through, she won't be able to take it.


dont worry about, or imagine what she will do/what will happen in her future. its her problem and her choice to make.


----------



## Po12345

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> tommorow I meet with a divorce lawyer to start looking/planning ahead. and then meet with our MC for the last time to say nice try, but she is long gone..
> 
> it makes me sick to even have to read up on "separate property" and "community property" laws online. this is not something I ever wanted to know..let alone have to deal with..I feel sick to my stomach for having to plan legal strategy against my wife..


I had the same feelings, that same sinking feeling in my gut... but I handled it differently, it may be something you want to try. I told my wife I wanted a divorce, screw the separation. The only way I finally got better was to completely give up, to REALLY let go and realize that I would be just fine without her so why allow her to have control with a stupid legal separation, when I could take complete control, get a divorce, and be done with it. Now for my wife that had a profound effect, not sure it would do the same for you. Either way I hope and pray you find a better place out of all of this, I know it is incredibly devastating, and absolutely NOT fair to you.


----------



## ladybird

The only way to stop the affair is to blow it w i d e open. Once fantasy hits reality it won't be fun anymore.

your wife will not come to her senses until the OM is out of the picture for good.


----------



## c2500

Lonely,

I caught my wife, legally reconcilled, then five months later she moved out. I gave up the adultry. My lawyer told me I was an idiot and he was right. Be happy she is gone. While I am awaiting a court date for he final agreement to be approved, I have to say it is a relief to be rid of her. She tried for a bit and then it was to much of an inconveince to be accountable. I personally feel that once the trust is gone, it is gone. By the way I am 44. She is 48. Hers was with a susposidly impotent 69 year old. At least now I don't have to deal with her not showing up on time and panicing. There is some solice in being alone and realizing there is a whole new world out there.

c2500


----------



## Drover

**** separation. She'll just go bang him for awhile then want to come crawling back. I'd tell if she leaves that's it. Come clean, start behaving and go to MC or that's it. No more chances.


----------



## GetTough

ladybird said:


> The only way to stop the affair is to blow it w i d e open. Once fantasy hits reality it won't be fun anymore.
> 
> your wife will not come to her senses until the OM is out of the picture for good.


I used to agree with this but now I think its often stronger to just let go of a woman that's having an affair than ruin her reputation for self-interest, revenge or any other motive. Nonchalance works better than jealous or controlling action. The truth will come out soon enough anyway.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas

I have no intention of reconciling, and in our state legal separation is almost the same as divorce. Divorce is just a formality..but inevitable in a few months. 

It's not a fun time to split up 12 years of marriage, but it is over and it's time to move on. 

No shortage of good women out there. 

I am thinking of sending the other man a thank you note..good luck my man (or boy in our case), that is the most expensive pu**y you will ever know...


----------



## Po12345

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> I have no intention of reconciling, and in our state legal separation is almost the same as divorce. Divorce is just a formality..but inevitable in a few months.
> 
> It's not a fun time to split up 12 years of marriage, but it is over and it's time to move on.
> 
> No shortage of good women out there.
> 
> I am thinking of sending the other man a thank you note..good luck my man (or boy in our case), that is the most expensive pu**y you will ever know...


Legal Separation is the same here in Nebraska, that's why I told my wife I wasn't interested in it. Why mess around with a formality that will just lead to spending more money later, that's what I figured. For me, stating that I wanted a divorce firmly put me in control of the situation, and when your spouse suddenly realizes that they don't have that control, suddenly things get VERY real in a hurry. Right now she's in a fantasy. Besides, if you are ready for this to be over with it's the quickest way to do it and will cost you less money for a lawyer in the long run. I equate this to going "all in" in Texas Hold-'Em, force her hand, don't let this linger.


----------



## Po12345

By the way, your sig, GREAT movie, one of the best ever.


----------



## Dubya

Chuck71 said:


> Originally Posted by Posse
> Were it me, I'd file for Divorce, change the locks, pack her stuff up, and stick it in a storage unit, give her the key, pay the first month, and tell her where her stuff is.
> ***************************************
> 
> can one do that even though the home is of course in both names?


Start a new thread. Don't necro old ones.... You'll mainly get people to answer a question that is months old and not see what you are asking...

But really, go talk to a lawyer if you want to know the answer to your question.


----------



## WyshIknew

Chuck71 said:


> excuse me............new here.......how dare i ask a question pertaining to what a poster ask! how could i ever do that


Easy tiger!

Dubya was just pointing out that you were posting on a zombie thread, one that hasn't been updated for some time.

Also posse posted the actual post you replied to on the 3rd of July, and he hasn't visited the site since mid/late October.

You'll get the hang of it, stick in there.


----------



## Dubya

Chuck71 said:


> excuse me............new here.......how dare i ask a question pertaining to what a poster ask! how could i ever do that


Just trying to help you out... Cause you are new here. Don't be a dipsh1t.


----------



## Dubya

Chuck71 said:


> Dubya-I simply stated my apologies, there was nothing more implied. If you took it as there were, you just read too much into it.


BS... 



> how dare i ask a question pertaining to what a poster ask! how could i ever do that


anyway... to your other question. look for the stickies at the top of each forum group. probably something in there. if not just ask if someone says something you dont understand... just try to do it in a thread that people are still reading


----------

