# It didn't used to be like this!



## CherryBomb (Feb 24, 2012)

So I'm not actually married, but have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for five years now. I am 23 and he is 35. In the beginning, the sex was amazing. It was frequent, adventurous, passionate, and he was as into me as I was into him. We had sex anytime, anywhere! We mixed things up and had lots of fun (dom & sub games, role play, bondage, toys, dress-up, public sex, etc). I have a very high libido and am game for anything, and that was something he always said he loved about me! I had my first ever partnered orgasm with him (and continued to enjoy them!). 

Well, that lasted about two years. His desire just started diminishing after that. He stopped initiating sex and pretended to think I was "joking" when I initiated it. The frequency of sex dropped to nearly nothing. I talked to him about the problem and he admitted to not feeling quite right and agreed to seek help. He is in therapy being treated for depression and on a supposedly libido-boosting medication and is seeing doctors and testing his testosterone levels.

He started making an effort to be sexual with me again after some time of treatment, but it was pretty clear he was approaching sex as a relationship obligation. Once a week, he would robotically go through the motions- same things in the same order. It became a predictable routine that always ended the same: him losing his erection and me trying to salvage things by bringing him to climax orally. I considered this a step in the right direction at first and tried to be supportive and encouraging, but soon realized it was not improving from that point. Neither of us were getting anything positive out of it.

This has spiralled out of control. I feel rejected and insecure. We are both frustrated and have become hyper-sensitive and critical. We now fight all the time. I know this is just a further libido-killer for him and derails his progress with his depression and stress. At the same time, his low-libido is the cause of my own unhappiness with him. It's a fatal cycle that we keep trying, and failing, to break.

I miss the adventure and spontaneity. I miss feeling desired... this has really killed my self-esteem. I've lost all confidence in myself as a woman around him. And you know what? I'm just plain horny as hell!  I'm terrified that nothing can bring him back the way he was. We have our first couples therapy appointment coming up. I'm at a loss here. Do you think couples therapy can help? Has anyone been through this? What helped you? This girl needs some action!


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## curiousfreddie (Feb 15, 2012)

Couples therapy can help if you want it to help. 

From a physical stand point, men reach their sexual peak before women do. At 35 he is past his. You however will reach your peak around 35-40. You think your good now, JUST WAIT!!! Medications can help too. As far as your self esteem, you have to continue to speak positively to yourself. It sounds funny, but tell yourself you are pretty before you put on your makeup. Believe that beauty is not just how you look, but how you feel about yourself and treat yourself.


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## Darbus1975 (Feb 25, 2012)

Have you gained a lot of weight?
Did he catch you cheating on him?
Are you really as good and adventurous now as you once were? Be honest.
If none of those are it... then perhaps he may be gay, or depressed.

I know this sounds like a rush to judgement, but it's not.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Are you sure you aren't married?


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Darbus1975 said:


> Have you gained a lot of weight?
> Did he catch you cheating on him?
> Are you really as good and adventurous now as you once were? Be honest.
> If none of those are it... then perhaps he may be gay, or depressed.
> ...


Wow, it would be awesome if people were that simple.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 24, 2012)

Darbus1975 said:


> Have you gained a lot of weight?
> Did he catch you cheating on him?
> Are you really as good and adventurous now as you once were? Be honest.
> If none of those are it... then perhaps he may be gay, or depressed.
> ...


I'm 5'2" and 110 pounds. Since the beginning of our relationship, I've become a certified fitness instructor and taken up hula hooping, roller skating, and salsa dancing, so I am probably in even better shape than before. I also go to the gym three days a week. I always make an effort with my appearance for him; I take care of my skin and hair, wear make-up, dress attractively, and even do little things that he has told me he likes (like wear red nail polish).

I have never cheated on him. Despite our problems, we trust each other very much. I doubt the thought has ever crossed his mind (nor has it crossed mine) that either would cheat.

I honestly am as adventurous as ever. I'm ready and willing any time, anywhere, and he knows that. I've tried buying toys and games and books to reignite his interest. I've worn sexy outfits for him. I've gotten frisky with him in the car and when we're out together. I give him spontaneous blowjobs. He doesn't respond like he used to.

I believe depression is one of his major issues. I also suspect testosterone problems.

I understand it isn't a rush to judgement. I anticipated these questions and appreciate the chance to elaborate.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 24, 2012)

curiousfreddie said:


> Couples therapy can help if you want it to help.
> 
> From a physical stand point, men reach their sexual peak before women do. At 35 he is past his. You however will reach your peak around 35-40. You think your good now, JUST WAIT!!! Medications can help too. As far as your self esteem, you have to continue to speak positively to yourself. It sounds funny, but tell yourself you are pretty before you put on your makeup. Believe that beauty is not just how you look, but how you feel about yourself and treat yourself.


The age issue definately worries me, but I tend to think it's more than that. It happened rather suddenly and came with other symptoms, such as depression, memory problems, low energy, worsening insomnia, moodiness, and low self-esteem.

I actually feel like I am attractive, just not in relation to him. Like... I feel that I'm sexually desirable and I know that others find me sexually desirable, but I no longer feel desirable to HIM. I lose confidence in my attractiveness and sexuality and womanhood when I am around him.


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## Darbus1975 (Feb 25, 2012)

God; you sound like a dream girl. I have no idea what he could be thinking. I'd give anything if my wife would do just one of the things you mentioned. 

My hats off to you.

Whatever happens, you deserve the best.


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## Darbus1975 (Feb 25, 2012)

Guys are that simple.

I guarantee it's one of those things.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 24, 2012)

Darbus1975 said:


> God; you sound like a dream girl. I have no idea what he could be thinking. I'd give anything if my wife would do just one of the things you mentioned.
> 
> My hats off to you.
> 
> Whatever happens, you deserve the best.


Ha ha, thanks. He used to tell me that all the time and still does sometimes, but there's no action to back up his words. He tells me how lucky he is to be with a young, attractive, horny, willing woman who makes an effort for him, but then he won't be sexual with me. It messes with my head.

To be fair, I'm certainly not perfect. This whole situation has made me very insecure and unhappy with him, and I know I'm starting to become distant and critical. We point fingers and fight a lot these days. I know this makes his libido issues worse, as he requires a lot of emotional intimacy and self-esteem boosting. However, I don't feel the emotional connection if I'm not feeling the sexual one. We both run backwards to each other, and it's created a cycle we can't break: His isn't interested in sex with me if we aren't emotionally happy in our relationship, and I can't be emotionally happy in our relationship if he isn't interested in sex with me.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 24, 2012)

Darbus1975 said:


> Guys are that simple.
> 
> I guarantee it's one of those things.


I know he has depression. He has been in weekly therapy for over a year now and is taking a dopamine-boosting antidepressant that is also sometimes used to raise libidos. (If anyone is interested: Wonderful Wellbutrin? - Drugs - Salon.com )

I'm also concerned about his testosterone levels. He has been getting them tested at my request, and has been at the very lowest end of the minimally acceptable for his age; about 200mg/dl short of "healthy" or "average/normal". But since it was still acceptable, he is avoiding taking hormones. This frustrates me, as I feel like it could help with many of his issues (depression, libido, erection issues, memory problems, self-esteem, insomnia, etc.).

Any thoughts on our decision to try couples therapy? He has been very eager to go and pushing for it since last year, but it took a while for us both to have schedules we could work with and to find someone who would work with my insurance to cover it. Our first session is next week.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

CherryBomb said:


> I don't feel the emotional connection if I'm not feeling the sexual one. We both run backwards to each other, and it's created a cycle we can't break: His isn't interested in sex with me if we aren't emotionally happy in our relationship, and I can't be emotionally happy in our relationship if he isn't interested in sex with me.


I said the same thing in a resent thread and got the old "men just think with their ****'s" response. I am happy to hear a woman say the same thing.

I think the age thing might be a problem but you sound like a dream girl to me.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

All I read is a 30 year old starting up with an 18 year old. How emotionally stunted was he? If my 18 year old daughter brought home a 30 year old I'd be mortified. 

And please no stories how mature you are and that you were always attracted to older guys......


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I would go to couples counseling. I think I'm the same way, it's hard for me to feel connected if we're not having sex or it's not often or there isn't effort put into it. Why can't people just fall in love with people who have the same drive and have it stay that way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Are you sure he is not into something else? The marvels of today's technology can bring all sorts of intimacy robbing influences right into our home, ie. chat rooms, porn, Facebook spawned rekindling of old acquaintances. The ED at such a young age strikes me as odd and likely brought on by something.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 24, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> All I read is a 30 year old starting up with an 18 year old. How emotionally stunted was he? If my 18 year old daughter brought home a 30 year old I'd be mortified.
> 
> And please no stories how mature you are and that you were always attracted to older guys......


:sleeping: I'm not phased by this opinion from strangers anymore. Nobody who knows me and/or my boyfriend has ever expressed such "mortification".

I have no "stories" about how mature I am for you, because I honestly could not care less about judgemental attitudes towards something that is a nonissue to me and my boyfriend. I didn't ask about this. You have no idea what I was like at 18. By your claims of mortification, it seems quite likely that you are the one who was rather immature at 18, and so you assume others must have also been that way. In reality, all people are different and you cannot plan out when you meet the person you will love. How nice it would be if things were so easy and controllable!


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## CherryBomb (Feb 24, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> Are you sure he is not into something else? The marvels of today's technology can bring all sorts of intimacy robbing influences right into our home, ie. chat rooms, porn, Facebook spawned rekindling of old acquaintances. The ED at such a young age strikes me as odd and likely brought on by something.


He doesn't even have internet at home. He doesn't watch much porn and even wasn't masturbating for quite some time. It was actually me that suggested to him that it might be a good idea to watch some porn and masturbate to try to get his "juices flowing" again (some studies show that porn and regular masturbation raise testosterone levels and increase overall sex drive). I hoped that it would be a way for him to build his interest in sexual activity again without performance anxiety, and he tried it, but without a lot of motivation of his own. I really don't think he still does, though he has offhandedly claimed to.

I'm at such a loss here.  ARGH!


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