# Still Struggling 1 yr+ later



## Drew 3 (May 17, 2012)

Ok, this is new to me but I need to get my head around somethings and need a sounding board. 

We have been married for 21 years have a son in college and a daughter that will graduate high school a year from now. My wife had a "texting" relationship with her boss that I stumbled upon. Late night texts (2am), Text all day and all night, weekend, etc. I handled it all wrong... instead of finding out more details and the depth of the relationship, I just confronted her. She at first said it was nothing and that they were just talking. After several months of progressive discoveries and confessions, it was agreed that she was having an emotional affair with this individual. Nothing physical ever happened between them but I still feel it could have. We fought a lot, yelled a lot, we threatened to leave but we kept putting it back together. She still works at that same place under the same boss. They don't text anymore but I am still very uncomfortable with the relationship. At this time changing jobs is not an option.

We have had a very rocky road and I just don't know if we can get through this. She is distant at times, very moody and our sex life has dwindled down to once a week, if I'm persistent. She rarely initiates the activity and struggles to "arrive" at the destination. (that was not an issue prior). I have read and read and read. I have bought books and flowers and have been romantic. I have engaged the conversation with her and she says that with all the fighting in the past year she has just "turn off". I proposed we try to rekindle and brought a magazine of things we could do to "spice" it back while we were traveling on a trip overseas. She was not interested and when we got back home, threw it out. Now what, more flowers and romantic nights? I feel I'm not getting the same effort back. She said she's working on it as much as I am but I can't see it. Am i just holding on because I fear life with out her? Am I just afraid? I have been the good husband here and it's not working now what?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm sorry that her leaving her job is not an option, b/c for the M to work and the affair to stop, she must have NC with OM (her boss).

So until she quits you both will struggle, as you have witnessed for the last year. Its a shame her job is more important then the marriage. but like you said hif leaving her job is not an option then maybe divorce is? Or do you want to spend the rest of your life in hell?

Dude, its her job that is in the way...the constant contact she has an a day to day bases with a man she has feeling for is effecting the dynamic of the marriage. Sorry you just can't compete against that.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

If she can't leave her job, can she transfer to another department?

I really do hate to mention this, but even if she quit texting her boss in wee hours of the morning, so long as she works for him there is still contact between the two of them. You caught her texting. Do you suppose that she will find another way to express her feelings with him? Did she ever tell you what exactly they were texting about?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Drew 3 said:


> At this time changing jobs is not an option.


marriage or job, which is more important?

You will suffer and continue to suffer if she continues contact with OM

please read the newbie link in my signature


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The workplace affair with the boss is one of the more difficult affairs to deal with it seems like. Sorry, but the affair is still on. I know it would be devastating financially, but why hasn't she started looking for a different job for the last year? I know she can't quit suddenly, but is she even making a move to look for another job?

At some point, you have to decide: either her job or your marriage.

You know why she doesn't want to have sex with you? Because she's still in the affair. Click on the link below and look at this thread from a different forum and you will see why. 

Affair Discussion Forum • View topic - Trying to have sex with H


You will be able to see the mindset she has when it comes to sex with you because she still works with her boss.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I gotta agree, she can't work with him and think things between you will ever be OK.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I agree with what everyone else is saying -- SHE HAS TO QUIT HER JOB FOR THE MARRIAGE TO WORK. If this is not an option, then divorce or spending years being married to the shell of your former wife are the only other ones that I can think of.

Also, you can't "nice" her out of this affair. Please read the newbie links and the other threads in this forum.

I'm so sorry that you're here.


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## Drew 3 (May 17, 2012)

Thanks for all the replies. I realize that the Job she has is the problem but. One in college one on the way to college and we live in a rural community shrinks the options. 

I will need to cope with it then and wait till College expenses are done. I will not ruin my kids future because of this. Oh well thanks again for the response.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

:slap::slap::slap::slap::slap::slap::slap::slap:


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Did you read the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, amongst the many others that you read?

Emotional affairs are cancers inside a marriage. You cannot repair a marriage with 3 people in it.

You are wondering why you haven't reconciled even though it's been a year since discovery.

You know the answer already, it's just too much, on top of everything else, for you to bear.

My husband was in a long-term emotional affair with a co-worker. I am not just some random person typing this up for my jollies. If you want to take all of our extremely, painfully hard-earned advice and chuck it, that is your choice. 

Let's say for the sake of argument that it's 'ended' which I seriously doubt since I've never, not even once, seen a marriage recover when the EA partners continue to work together. So what if the affair has gone from what it used to be to her getting her one-sided obsessive escape "hit" every day when she goes to her job and hangs out with Mr. Terrific Listener Who Makes Her Feel Sexy? The effect on your marriage is still the same.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Drew 3 said:


> I just confronted her. She at first said it was nothing and that they were just talking. After several months of progressive discoveries and confessions, it was agreed that she was having an emotional affair with this individual. Nothing physical ever happened between them but I still feel it could have.


You know that it wasn't physical.. for exactly what reason?

Because after you confronted her she told you only whatever limited amount of information was necessary to get you off her back?

Why do betrayed spouses often believe what they are told by the cheater even though there have been obvious deception and numerous lies told already?



Drew 3 said:


> I will need to cope with it then and wait till College expenses are done. I will not ruin my kids future because of this. .


Whenever I read this sort of thing my mind scrambles the words, rearranges them, drops a few words, adds a few more and it comes out like this "I'm afraid to leave my cheating spouse but rather than admit this I'll just say I'm staying for the sake of my kids, because that's much more honorable and it allows me to live with myself".


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Drew 3 said:


> Ok, this is new to me but I need to get my head around somethings and need a sounding board.
> 
> We have been married for 21 years have a son in college and a daughter that will graduate high school a year from now. My wife had a "texting" relationship with her boss that I stumbled upon. Late night texts (2am), Text all day and all night, weekend, etc. I handled it all wrong... instead of finding out more details and the depth of the relationship, I just confronted her. She at first said it was nothing and that they were just talking. After several months of progressive discoveries and confessions, it was agreed that she was having an emotional affair with this individual. Nothing physical ever happened between them but I still feel it could have. We fought a lot, yelled a lot, we threatened to leave but we kept putting it back together. She still works at that same place under the same boss. They don't text anymore but I am still very uncomfortable with the relationship. At this time changing jobs is not an option.
> 
> We have had a very rocky road and I just don't know if we can get through this. She is distant at times, very moody and our sex life has dwindled down to once a week, if I'm persistent. She rarely initiates the activity and struggles to "arrive" at the destination. (that was not an issue prior). I have read and read and read. I have bought books and flowers and have been romantic. I have engaged the conversation with her and she says that with all the fighting in the past year she has just "turn off". I proposed we try to rekindle and brought a magazine of things we could do to "spice" it back while we were traveling on a trip overseas. She was not interested and when we got back home, threw it out. Now what, more flowers and romantic nights? I feel I'm not getting the same effort back. She said she's working on it as much as I am but I can't see it. Am i just holding on because I fear life with out her? Am I just afraid? I have been the good husband here and it's not working now what?


D3: Man yours sounds similar to me. I don't know what happens around age 40 but the same bizarre crap happened to me. In our case, my SO stopped texting completely the day she admitted to her having an inappropriate male "friend". She still doesn't consider it an EA but I do , and like you I still find hard to believe no PA. Anyway, mine stayed at her job 3 1/2 months after I found out but in her case it was because she thought once I had time to think about what happened I would leave her. We are not legally married so she was fearful I would treat her like she treated me and leave her high and dry with no money, no house etc. if she quit. Once she trusted I was serious about R, she quit her job and hasn't contacted one person at that job - she shut the door and to date has never looked back. I still don't understand what the hell made her do it. She says was frustrated with my rejecting her, expected her to be perfect and that she felt like a woman that I did not desire. So she sought attention of someone else. Let me tell you, she turned into a totally different person during that time, like someone I didn't even know. She even stopped calling our daughter, lying to both of us about whereabouts etc. We have been in MC for 7 1/2 months now and she is "coming back" so to speak. I still have doubts, but trying. The whole situation may be the most bizarre thing I have ever experienced in my life. Right now I ask myself though is all this work worth it. Also, like you I seem to be doing a lot of the leg work which frankly I'm getting sick of. Anyway, advice- go to counseling, understand her emotions are bizarre, erratic and not reasonable, she needs to quit job and show some sort of motivation that she WANTS the relationship. If not, time to start moving on- as hard as it may be.


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## Drew 3 (May 17, 2012)

Northland is probably right. I am probably afraid to leave her and give up everything. She does need to find a new job. 

I am were Bodhitree is ... I am asking myself if it's worth it. She quits and nothing gets better. We beat each of up emotionally and all I get is having to pay more support? 

Been to counseling twice! uuugh!


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Did you read the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, amongst the many others that you read?
> 
> Emotional affairs are cancers inside a marriage. You cannot repair a marriage with 3 people in it.
> 
> ...


I read the book, it was very good for me but the X read it in 3min and got nothing from it....it takes 2 for the M to work, not 1 or 3. I am sorry 4 U, grow some peaches and teach ur kids right from wrong! @ this point you are just as much to blame for their future as she is....it'll be a sorry AXX day when you watch ur own children follow ur example.
Mouse


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I can respect that your looking out for your kids future.

So for now lets just say we stop rewarding your wife for the indifference she shows you. For know I think you will be best served by doing a 180...are you familiar with this.

The steps in the 180 will atleast protect your emotions, the draw back is I doubt you will ever sleep with your wife again.

BTW I hope your kids aren't on the 6 year plan like mine is...her nursing school is killing me


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wouldn't want to be you. She never cut off contact with her affair partner.


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## Drew 3 (May 17, 2012)

Thanks "The Guy" 

Also for the sober reminder that my kid is studying to be a neurologist.(HA!!!)

orget the grin an bear it comment from earlier this will take too long. I will read the 180 and see how that works.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

Drew 3 said:


> Ok, this is new to me but I need to get my head around somethings and need a sounding board.
> 
> We have been married for 21 years have a son in college and a daughter that will graduate high school a year from now. My wife had a "texting" relationship with her boss that I stumbled upon. Late night texts (2am), Text all day and all night, weekend, etc. I handled it all wrong... instead of finding out more details and the depth of the relationship, I just confronted her. She at first said it was nothing and that they were just talking. After several months of progressive discoveries and confessions, it was agreed that she was having an emotional affair with this individual. Nothing physical ever happened between them but I still feel it could have. We fought a lot, yelled a lot, we threatened to leave but we kept putting it back together. She still works at that same place under the same boss. They don't text anymore but I am still very uncomfortable with the relationship. At this time changing jobs is not an option.
> 
> We have had a very rocky road and I just don't know if we can get through this. She is distant at times, very moody and our sex life has dwindled down to once a week, if I'm persistent. She rarely initiates the activity and struggles to "arrive" at the destination. (that was not an issue prior). I have read and read and read. I have bought books and flowers and have been romantic. I have engaged the conversation with her and she says that with all the fighting in the past year she has just "turn off". I proposed we try to rekindle and brought a magazine of things we could do to "spice" it back while we were traveling on a trip overseas. She was not interested and when we got back home, threw it out. Now what, more flowers and romantic nights? I feel I'm not getting the same effort back. She said she's working on it as much as I am but I can't see it. Am i just holding on because I fear life with out her? Am I just afraid? I have been the good husband here and it's not working now what?


You have my sympathies. I was in the same situation with my wife's EA with a coworker and to a lesser extent her supervisor about 18 mos back. I can say that the only thing that really got us into a better place was her leaving that job and us moving about 90 minutes away. As long as she's in contact you're going to have a real struggle to make any progress.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Drew 3 said:


> Northland is probably right. I am probably afraid to leave her and give up everything. She does need to find a new job.
> 
> I am were Bodhitree is ... I am asking myself if it's worth it. She quits and nothing gets better. We beat each of up emotionally and all I get is having to pay more support?
> 
> Been to counseling twice! uuugh!


Only you can decide if it's all worth it.

Here is my own experience:
--marriage went south for various reasons, mostly my fault
--spouse became very distant
--I suspected him in an affair, he denied it entirely
--I caught him in the EA (this is 1.5 years after it likely started)
--he promised it was over
--we went to marriage counseling for SIX MONTHS or more (so long ago I may never know exactly)
--marriage was a little better, not much.
--he remained distant, marriage pretty much sexless, him irritable / picking fights easily although things improved some
--3 months ago, he accidentally texted me instead of her--it was NEVER over
--found out a couple weeks later he was right back with her right as we started MC....THREE YEARS AGO

--------------

He affirmatively chose me on DD#2, fully reconciled and recommitted to the marriage, the love of my life is back.

Like a switch flipped. It is the weirdest thing.

But I know why now--he was still saving himself for her, sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings with her, she was his confidant who he consistently chose over me to bare his soul. I couldn't figure him out, or penetrate that, because he was keeping it all hidden.

You may wonder why I've forgiven him--well, the answer is simple. He is PRESENT in the marriage. He is remorseful. He is attentive. He is thinking about me and he is demonstrating his loyalty.

Yes, I still check his cell phone bill now and again, among other things. It won't go on indefinitely, but I learned that never checking got me now where. Now it's longer and longer between checking...if you ask the vets, months will start to go by eventually...but there is always a little bit that will stay guarded. But that will be true whether I'm with him or someone else; my eyes have been opened to human frailty.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

LoveMouse said:


> I read the book, it was very good for me but the X read it in 3min and got nothing from it....it takes 2 for the M to work, not 1 or 3. I am sorry 4 U, grow some peaches and teach ur kids right from wrong! @ this point you are just as much to blame for their future as she is....it'll be a sorry AXX day when you watch ur own children follow ur example.
> Mouse


I recommended Not Just Friends because I'm not sure that the OP truly understands how emotional affairs work. He seems to be in grave denial that the partners can continue on as before in a work environment.

If his wife is out of the EA, then she might be open to reading the book.

But the truth is, I've not been able to get my husband to read it either--but he will listen to excerpts that I read aloud and we discuss it. If a couple is trying to reconcile and the spouse angrily resists a simple exercise like that, then there is no remorse, and no point to reconciliation.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

The reality is likely it has gone PA as well. You have to make clear to her like a child that there will be ramifications to her actions. She must quit or you will file. And you have to be ready to back it up. Remember- SHE chose to start this affair- YOU are just ending it. Any bad consequences to the children are on her not you. You want to protect and care for your children, I get that, but you also cannot live in this charade of a marriage. Like all of our situations your choices are crap and crap. No good solution. Such is the nature of infidelity. But I don't think you can go on like this. Neither do you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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