# How friends treat you after an affair



## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

I am wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation to me and if so can you provide some advice. Below is my story which I posted on here after Dday 4 months ago. As you can see from my story, my wife of 17 years had a long running affair with the husband of one of her close friends. Prior to the affair my wife and I were very social and enjoyed a close friendship with many couples and their children however the affair has destroyed all that. Given what my wife did and how she treated her friend none of the women in our circle of friends wants anything to do with her. Initially our friends were very good to me and offered support however over time I seem to be tainted by association. It seems it's easier to exclude me so they don't have to associate with my wife. Has anyone else found been in this situation? 
For now I have decided to stay with my wife and see how we go. I still hold a huge amount of resentment for her and what she did and have little trust in her but I'm happy I didn't make any rash decisions to separate post Dday. 


My story. 
A few years ago my wife and I met a couple who were new to our area, they had kids as do my wife and I. From the moment I met the husband there was something about him which made me uncomfortable but my wife was keen to build the friendship despite my concerns. We holidayed with this family and regularly socialized with them. The husband coached our son in baseball and my wife became very close to the other wife. 
We have been married for 17 years and I thought we had a very strong bond, as with most families we were always very busy with kids, work etc etc. My wife and I are very social as were this other couple and blind freddy could see the connection between my wife and the other husband. The other couple were having some marriage (surprise surprise) and financial problems at the time and the other wife confided in my wife about their issues, my wife provided a shoulder to cry on and told her she needed to fight for her marriage. After every social event or party we would fight about her flirting and she would yell and scream about how I didn't trust her, what was my problem, I was anti social etc etc. She agreed for the sake of our marriage to cool the relationship with this couple. My wife handled all the household finances but one day I opened a phone bill, in a one month period there were about 100 texts and phone calls to this guys mobile number, her explanation was that she had caught him having coffee with another woman and he admitted to having an affair and my wife was helping him through it. I didn't believe this BS for a minute but I had no proof, she agreed to no further contact. 
Fast forward 8 months and the other wife through her own investigations was able to find proof that infact my wife and her husband were having the affair and had been for about 18 months, she told my wife that if she didn't tell me about the affair then she would, my wife woke me before work one morning at 4.30am and admitted to the affair, she admitted to meeting him in a motel on a "few" occasions which I later found out was about 15 times. She used the old line that she wasn't in a good place at the time and he said all the right things, all the usual justifications. Looking back over the last 18 months it's clear my wife ran two very separate lives, she told lie after lie to protect the affair. Given the lies and way she treated the other wife all her female friends have deserted her.
This guy is a showman and a con and I believe that he sweet talked my wife into bed and she was just sucked in by the whole thing, which doesn't make it any better, she still was able to run a very devious double life. She is very remorseful and is doing everything to put things right but I don't think I can put this behind us, there are too many grubby branches of the affair that I just can't get past. This person who I trusted and confided in for 17 years has committed the ultimate betrayal, I just don't trust her anymore, she admits she was sucked in but it just doesn't cut it. 15 meetings in a motel room in my books doesn't constitute a mistake or a lapse in judgement. 
Initially I thought that I might have been part of the initial problem but I have convinced myself that nothing about this was my fault, I am a good honest husband,father and provider. If there wa a problem she should have talked to me, communication has never been a problem, or so I thought.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

Lmodel said:


> It seems it's easier to exclude me so they don't have to associate with my wife. Has anyone else found been in this situation?



Honestly, I think the reason is right above. They just dislike her that much. They may even hold some resentment to wards you because you are trying to work things out with your wife. I'm 3 months from DD and I have lost some of my "friends" because of my decision to try to work things out with my wife, makes you wonder sometimes what people are thinking. Some people have such strong opinions on things that they can't see it's possible to look at them differently.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why are you reconciling ?


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Why are you reconciling ?


My kids are young teenagers and for now keeping together as a family is better than the alternatives. I think my wife is incredibly remorseful and ashamed of what she did, not that that makes it ok. I often look at her and wonder how she was able to carry on such a deceitful double life, is that person still inside her somewhere. Honestly I don't know.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya, I've been there......I think my friends were afraid to get some of that infidelity on them, so they stay away.

Even though I doubt its contagious folks seem to think it is for some reason.

Now I'll go back and read the rest of your story.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

Lmodel said:


> I often look at her and wonder how she was able to carry on such a deceitful double life, is that person still inside her somewhere. Honestly I don't know.


I ask myself the same questions. The first one may never be answered but the second one is simple IMO. Yes that person is still there. Everyone is capable of making a decision to do something that they have already done. What is more important is will they make that decision again?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Because you've chosen to stay with someone that has betrayed you so thorougly I would have a hard time trusting your judgment. Also since you are still together it's just more convenient to abandon both of you than to try to thread the needle. Maybe your decision to stay with her has deemed you 'unworthy' of any extraordinary effort on their part to mantain a relationship.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I remember now...........

That was a mess, especially how your kid was directly effected by all this due to the coaching thing.

I hope you got a good degree of submission from your fWW with regards to keeping her around?

I'm almost 3 years from d-day and my oldlady is still pulling her wieght..I wouldn't have it any other way!

Actually my fWW still has a few of her real friends....the ones that can't believe we're are still plugging along after all of the past physical abuse from me and her adultory. The ones that don't judge us but support the value of a marriage and a healthier relationship between a couple of old messed up poeple 

In fact I don't think we are in a R....it more like two different poeple starting a new relationship. Maybe thats why we haven't put our old wedding rings on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jfv said:


> Because you've chosen to stay with someone that has betrayed you so thorougly I would have a hard time trusting your judgment. Also since you are still together it's just more convenient to abandon both of you than to try to thread the needle. Maybe your decision to stay with her has deemed you 'unworthy' of any extraordinary effort on their part to mantain a relationship.


If any of our crew judged me or Mrs. the-guy in that way I'd give them a good pounding and never ever give them the time of day.

But thats just me


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

After that reply it might be time to visit the old anger management guy...its been a while! LOL


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Exsquid said:


> I ask myself the same questions. The first one may never be answered but the second one is simple IMO. Yes that person is still there. Everyone is capable of making a decision to do something that they have already done. What is more important is will they make that decision again?


That is so scary. I find that if I allow that old behavior to creep up I could be slaming my chick to the ground if i come home in bad mood, just like I imagine my chic thinking about getting some strange when I'm glued to the footbal game.

I think the trick is you have to trust what you have learned and apply the tools that will prevent those unhealthy behavior from dragging you back to a crappy life we once had.

I know I don't want to go back there, and my chick doesn't want to go back there.. we have both been ther and it ain't worth it!


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## mcbridie (Sep 11, 2012)

Yeah, it's bad enough having to deal with the infidelity without having to take hurtful comments from friends and the social stigma attached to cheating spouses.

When a women cheats, the women is generally seen in a worse light than if it is was the man who cheated. 

This is especially true in Latin cultures; the unfaithful man is seen as a macho guy but the unfaithful women is considered a sl.ut.


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## TroubledSexLife (Aug 23, 2012)

I was wondering if you would return LModel. How is reconciliation going for you? What exactly is your wayward spouse doing to help you heal? Is she giving you full transparency? Her lies were utterly cruel to both you and the OMW. 

Do your children know about the affair? Is there a possibility that she is continuing the affair? Do you think she is only staying with you because of money? (Who earns more, you or her?)

I realize that you might stick around for the kids but I would advise you to never ever trust this woman again. It is one thing to have an affair, it is another thing to have a lengthy affair, it is again another thing to have a lengthy affair with one of her close friend's husbands, and it is entirely a different ballgame to have a lengthy affair with a family friend and criticize you for being paranoid.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

mcbridie said:


> but the unfaithful women is considered a sl.ut.


:iagree:
And you are useing the word sl.ut. as a bad thing? LOL

I think at the end of the day, once you make the change and work on and focus on healthier behaviors, the real friends see this and support. The ones that judge will always look at that other person you once were.

I don't know what it is, but it seems folks always remember the bad


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What about your children, man? If I recall MOM was their coach so
beyond changing teams did they suffer from the aftermath socially?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

the guy said:


> I don't know what it is, but it seems folks always remember the bad


I will be disgustingly honest. My H had an affair. If I found out that one of my girlfriends was cheating, I would most likely sever ties. Why? Well. why invite trouble? My history professor said " I will never trust a man who cheats on his wife. If he will lie to her, there is no telling what he will do to you". Vice Versa. Would I be upset if people severed ties with my H over his cheating? Nope. A few have. I can not blame them for not wanting that in their social life. I don't want it in mine either LMAO.


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

TroubledSexLife said:


> I was wondering if you would return LModel. How is reconciliation going for you? What exactly is your wayward spouse doing to help you heal? Is she giving you full transparency? Her lies were utterly cruel to both you and the OMW.
> 
> Do your children know about the affair? Is there a possibility that she is continuing the affair? Do you think she is only staying with you because of money? (Who earns more, you or her?)
> 
> I realize that you might stick around for the kids but I would advise you to never ever trust this woman again. It is one thing to have an affair, it is another thing to have a lengthy affair, it is again another thing to have a lengthy affair with one of her close friend's husbands, and it is entirely a different ballgame to have a lengthy affair with a family friend and criticize you for being paranoid.


Honestly its quite odd but our marriage is probably better than its been in a long time, for nearly 2 years I suspected the affair was happening and she was having the affair so both those factors obviously drove a huge wedge between us. Now everything is out in the open there is some "satisfaction" that I now know and I guess on my wife's behalf the turmoil associated with an extra marital affair is now over. The fallout from the affair is still hanging over our heads but perhaps I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do know that life and our marriage will never be the same, I will never have the same feelings for my wife as we did in the prime of our marriage but for the moment I'm in the right place.


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## TroubledSexLife (Aug 23, 2012)

Lmodel said:


> Honestly its quite odd but our marriage is probably better than its been in a long time, for nearly 2 years I suspected the affair was happening and she was having the affair so both those factors obviously drove a huge wedge between us. Now everything is out in the open there is some "satisfaction" that I now know and I guess on my wife's behalf the turmoil associated with an extra marital affair is now over. The fallout from the affair is still hanging over our heads but perhaps I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do know that life and our marriage will never be the same, I will never have the same feelings for my wife as we did in the prime of our marriage but for the moment I'm in the right place.


That's good to hear. I was just trying to open your eyes to how some cake-eaters operate. This is why I asked about the difference in income.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Lmodel, if I recall correctly, your wife was giving marital advice to the OM's wife (because she suspected that he was having an affair with someone) while having an affair with her husband. 

I think this, above all, might be why she's persona non grata amongst her former friends. (And yes, you've been tainted by her treachery.)


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## TroubledSexLife (Aug 23, 2012)

Count is right. Affairs are bad but she was totally toying with the OMW's emotions and yours...

Cold-blooded.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

She went after a FRIEND'S HUSBAND! How many wives do you think are so secure in their marriage that they aren't worried that their husband might not like a bit of strange after 15-20 years?

How many men want to hang around an 'easy piece' and be watched like a hawk by their wives? Every single time your wife laughs at one of his jokes, flashbacks like you are probably still having will go through the minds of both spouses.

Meanwhile, if you seem 'okay' with it, maybe you favor an open marriage situation. You OBVIOUSLY can't control your woman. Why should they trust you? After all, YOU didn't discover it.

Just some random thoughts.

Edited to add: I don't mean them as a slam against you personally. I am just trying to understand the mindset.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

"_This guy is a showman and a con and I believe that he sweet talked my wife into bed and she was just sucked in by the whole thing"_

It's an ego thing with guys. They always attack the other guy in these situations. The wife didn't bang somebody else because she just wanted something different and was simply sexually attracted to the boy; he used a magic potion on her, he seduced her, she was in a fog. 
Dawg, I’d hate to see what she’d do if she wasn't deeply in love with you and didn't put her marriage above all else.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> "_This guy is a showman and a con and I believe that he sweet talked my wife into bed and she was just sucked in by the whole thing"_
> 
> It's an ego thing with guys. They always attack the other guy in these situations. The wife didn't bang somebody else because she just wanted something different and was simply sexually attracted to the boy; he used a magic potion on her, he seduced her, she was in a fog.
> Dawg, I’d hate to see what she’d do if she wasn't deeply in love with you and didn't put her marriage above all else.


Good point. 

This line of thinking ( that the wife was seduced by the man) just makes me laugh.

Studies show that women are aggressively going after men for affairs. Studies show it is 75 percent of wives who file for divorce. 

My STBEH's OW told her unsuspecting faithful, hardworking, generous, husband that my husband went after her. 

The truth was so laughable opposite. At first her husband refused to see my evidence and the proof that she was the pursuer/stalker in the affair. 

Then one day he called me, and his jaw was on the floor. 

He told me his wife didn't even like sex too often. 

Yet in the hot emails, texts, husky voice mails and the solo porn videos she made of herself, to send to my spouse, he could clearly see that she was into sex, just not with him. She seemed more turned on by a cucumber and a banana and her own imagination, than him

Needless to say, he filed for divorce soon after seeing the videos.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Sara, I know you mentioned that the OW husband is loaded. But I wouldn't want his money if it meant witnessing those videos. Yikes! Poor bastard. (Figuratively speaking.)


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