# different cultures make marriage do or die



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

i'm at a turning point in life, and in four weeks i have a black and white decision to make.

i have been married to my hubs for almost 2 years... 4 years total. my husband is a hindu pakistani... just turned 27. in march 2009 he was out of town and i checked his laptop and found pictures from his engagement party with another girl. he was supposed to have an arranged marriage. 

instead he asked me to marry him and 2 months later we had a court marriage. we've had a pretty good marriage; we go months without arguing about anything serious usually. when i met him he was living off daddy's money living in a friend's basement, and now we have a very nice life. 

before we got married i wanted to change my name.. he said he wasnt comfortable with that. he also wasnt comfortable telling his parents about our marriage. we agreed he would tell them after we'd been married for two years. his family not knowing hasnt really been a huge problem for me on a daily basis. i get upset when he visits his sister in NY and when they call.. but i usually just leave the room. but overall it does bother me. i feel there's an element of shame or embarassment in being married to me.

once he called me his roommate infront of his friends and that stung pretty badly. 

he's had some issues with porn, emailing craigslist hookers, emailing regular people (guys and girls... which he said was for jokes), facebook stalking his ex... but he's not a bad guy.

lately we havent been getting along at all... i'd blame it on the tension of our upcoming anniversary, but i dunno. he gets upset over stupid stuff and in my head i'm thinking "dude, you're making this decision really easy for me"... 

but really its a huge decision. we never talk about it becuase its sensitive for both of us.. so i've been playing the waiting game for nearly 2 years. there's no signal or hint that he's just gonna tell them and not make me agonize anymore. he knows its a dealbreaker for me and he had said "I can do anything for you" when we last discussed it, but he seems incappable of answering yes or no which is scary.

so here i am.. 25 days away from the big day. and reality is starting to hit. where would i go? should i even go? i cant really afford rent on my part time bank job... should i ask my mom to buy a condo with me? does a good marriage really need to be thrown down the toilet because of his racist brown family? what the hell gives them the right to be racist towards me anyway?? maybe they'd accept me and he's just too chicken **** to find out? should i tell them myself? should i stay out of his family relationships since i really know very little about them? its a very weird situation.. but any advice is appreciated


----------



## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm sorry, and I may be overstepping some boundry with different cultures or something, but if my husband hid me from his family, intoduced me - his wife - to people as a roomate, emailed craigslist hookers and facebook stalked his ex... honey - I'd have had my bags packed and the seperation agreement in hand a looooong time ago!

First off - he decided to marry you and he needs to own that! If he's too much of a pu**y to man up and try and have his family and friends understand and accept the supposed love he has for you then what kind of husband is that? I was assuming he was a grown a** man until your post led me to see otherwise...

Facebook stalking - really? What grade is he in, 7th? Again, he needs to grow up. He obviously has some kind of lingering infatuation with her if he's got to keep tabs on this woman still - while he's married to you!

And last, but certainly not least, craigslist hookers!!!????!!! Have you expressed that even if it is a joke to him (which I highly doubt cause this guy just seems like a scumbag) that you do not care for this kind of behavior? I would hope that you have and I would hope that if your husband gave a rat's a** about you and your feelings he would have stopped the hooker contact...

Sorry if I've come across harsh. Only you can decide if this marriage is worth holding on to and if it is your choice to hang in there and see if things work out - then I wish you the very best of luck... but as I said before, I would have been gone years ago - hell, I wouldn't have married that man in the first place.


----------



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

thanks for your reply... i understand that the situation is difficult to grasp. their family relationships are different than ours. i'm not saying that to defend what he's done, but on some level i understand. personally i'm really great friends with my mom. i can tell her just about anything. its because she's supportive and not judgemental of anything i do. i married a guy who didnt have a job or a real place to live and she let us use her credit card (not for stupid stuff.. but for things like groceries and gas) during our first year of marriage.

the parents over there expect so much from their children. that's why there are sooo many doctors and computer geeks who come from india and pakistan. and they are petty... they use the silent treatment agaisnt their own sons and daughters when they dont live up to their expectations. that's what my hubs is worried about. he's going to have to trade. i will be his new and only family after they find out... at least for a while. would you trade your entire family for your husband? its not a dynamic we as americans can easily understand. 

we deleted our facebooks years ago so he can only look at the main page that basically just has the profile picture and country of residence. and her picture was of some anime character. not sure why he was looking at it.. just to look i guess. and i'm not gonna lie.. i've searched for my ex just out of curiousity. i guess "stalked" was a bad word for it. 

obviously i've said that CL hookers are not something i approve of or allow in a relationship with me. this was when we were dating and we didnt live together. he has since stopped. 

but these behaviors i still cant ignore... i think they attribute to his personality even though they've been in the past. i still think, "he's done ____, so he'd be the type of person to ____". maybe that's unfair.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

cory275 said:


> i'm at a turning point in life, and in four weeks i have a black and white decision to make.
> 
> i have been married to my hubs for almost 2 years... 4 years total. my husband is a hindu pakistani... just turned 27. in march 2009 he was out of town and i checked his laptop and found pictures from his engagement party with another girl. he was supposed to have an arranged marriage.
> 
> ...


There are so many red flags here (the bolded parts) that I wonder how you managed to overlook them. 

In high school English class, I had to read the book "Jane Eyre". The hero in the book, Mr. Rochester, had a wife who lived in the attic. No one else knew about her except one maid who helped to take care of her. She was Rochester's crazy wife so he kept her there because of his reputation and image. 

I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings and I think you already know this on some level, but your husband IS embarassed by his marriage to you. He's treating you like his dirty little secret. He's kept you a secret for YEARS! For all you know, his family back in Pakistan might be looking to set him up with another girl from back home. 

If it were me, I wouldn't find this situation acceptable for even a month. If he's so scared of his family, he's not ready to be married. He's so willing to live a lie. 

You need to ask some hard questions and you need to find the courage to do it like yesterday.


----------



## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

> "*would you trade your entire family for your husband? its not a dynamic we as americans can easily understand. *"


One thing I've said before in other posts and am a firm believer in is the fact the when I married my husband I took a vow to forsake ALL others for him. My husband is my #1 priority in life and he comes before anything and anyone else. When we were married we began our own family, a family that each of our respectives should acknowledge and resepct.

Now, I admit, I have not had to trade any member of my family for my husband because my family (like your mom) is very supportive of me AND my relationship with my husband. But friends, yes, I have given up very close friends I considered family because they were toxic to our marriage. 

I guess, to me, it sounds almost like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. 

And maybe Coffee is right, maybe your husband is not ready for marriage... .

What I can not grasp is if your husband is so scared of upsetting his family why he would have married you in the first place? He obviously holds his family in higher regards than you. No offense, but was the relationship he began with you some sort of rebellion against the prearranged marriage set up by his family? And if so, is he regretting the relationship/marriage now?

You sound like you do not appreciate the way your husband treats you or your marriage but at the same time you defend his actions... 

I think the best thing you and your husband can do is to take a real close examination of your marriage and figure out if it can be a fufilling and rewarding marriage if you both continue on your current path. For example - what if he doesn't tell his parents about you - ever? Is that going to be a deal breaker or will you just roll over and accept it when it so obviously bothers you?


----------



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

i havent overlooked them. that's why i mentioned these "flags" as things i am considering. 

i never read jane eyre, so it's hard to understand the comparison without having read the book. i can understand the similarity in situations but i'm not crazy. im just white. i'm not helpless, and i can stand up for myself whenever i want. 

i'd like for anyone who wishes to read and respond to sort of personalize my situation.. i think you're reading this thinking, "damn.. that ***** is an idiot..." instead of "wow, if my husband who i've loved for years did something like that.." or "if my family ignored me if i married my husband i'd ___"

i had already been with my hubs for 2 years before i even found out. i was already in love. i was planning on marrying him someday. we'd already been through a lot together. and he fought for me. he married me. he proved that he loved me. he made a promise to me about his family and if he breaks it i get to make the decisions which changes both our lives forever. 

if his parents are planning on arranging him to marry somone else, i dont really care. frankly, it would take the decision out of my hands. kind of like being fired from a job that you hate. 

maybe i'm different... and this is such a difficult decision for me because i actually love my husband and i value the vows of marriage. i dont take the decision to divorce lightly..


----------



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

haha, thanks guys.. but not being ready for marriage isnt an option. we're already married. day to day things are usually great. we get along most of the time. our major fights have been about what i mentioned in the original post. 

i dont understand how marrying me would be a rebellion against his parents if they dont know he's rebelling? but no, we met about 6 months after he moved to the US. he had 3 friends who he only saw on weekends. and he clung himself to me the day we met. there is a genuine love that has kept us together through everything. our relationship really has nothing to do with his family.. and how could it? they dont know i exist... 

for the past 2 years i had been thinking that the day of our second anniversary i'd be gone if the "secret" wasnt out. now.. i dunno.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

What is his GREEN CARD status? Could THAT have anything to do with the magic "2 year" timeframe?


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Is there a chance he is already married to some girl from his home country? I don't see why he didn't even introduce you to his friends. Has he introduced to you as his wife to anybody at all from his side? And yes, are you helping him with his visa, green card in any way? Does he go away for long on business trips etc?

I know a person who was cheated that way and it came to my mind. Might not apply to you but wld like to check anyways.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I didn't want to bring up the green card issue, but that thought also crossed my mind. I've known people who married American citizens for the green card and citizenship. One friend's husband from overseas divorced her as soon as he got his citizenship. He seemed like a loving husband all that time, but one wonders if he was really after the coveted citizenship. And he didn't keep her a secret like your husband is doing to you. His family visited them and vice versa.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

The other impression I got from your posts is that he's treating you like a man would his mistress. Think about it. He doesn't introduce you to his family or friends from the home country. When your presence is revealed, he makes excuses as to who you are (i.e. a roommate). That's the kind of stuff someone does if they have an affair partner on the side.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> The other impression I got from your posts is that _*he's treating you like a man would his mistress.*_ Think about it. He doesn't introduce you to his family or friends from the home country. When your presence is revealed, he makes excuses as to who you are (i.e. a roommate). That's the kind of stuff someone does if they have an affair partner on the side.


Yes, that is why it came to my mind that there might in fact be another woman who is "the official wife" who was introduced to family and friends... someone who came into picture (the girl in engagement pics?) either before or after his wedding with the OP. Hopefully this is not true, but probably worth validating.

Is there is timestamp on the engagement pics?


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

cory275 said:


> he's had some issues with porn, emailing craigslist hookers, emailing regular people (guys and girls... which he said was for jokes), facebook stalking his ex... *but he's not a bad guy.*


:scratchhead: hmm.... how come?


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Cory:

If there is some doubt as to whether your H already HAS a Pakistani wife, you should be able to ascertain the TRUTH either through INS (Immigration & Naturalization Service, there is an office in Atlanta) OR through the Pakistani Embassy Pakistani embassy and consulates in USA

It DOES sound as though your H may have another wife ALREADY in Pakistan, OR his family may have already committed to the arranged marriage (in which case, there would be SERIOUS financial and social consequences for your H's family. They may bring a great deal of pressure to bear on him to divorce you and allow the family to 'save face' by continuing on to the arranged marriage.)

Don't want to alarm you, but SOMETHING is NOT RIGHT with this entire situation. Why can't his friends know? Why can't you change your name? (even IF he wanted to divorce you after 2 years, why couldn't you use HIS name?) Why wait 2 years? Why not 1 year? This DOES sound like YOU are the 'other woman' in your H's life. 

Me, personally, I would be ALL over the phone to INS and the Pakistani Embassy to ENSURE that he is NOT already married to another woman in Pakistan.


> i've been playing the waiting game for nearly 2 years


 I would be MUCH MORE WORRIED that you've 'been played' for the last 2 years


----------



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

multiple wives is legal in pakistan, but its a muslim thing. its a sin in hindunism and he's well aware that it's illegal here. plus that thought is down right laughable to me. its just not possible for him to have another wife. there's no one else.. trust me... its barely even me.. 

the woman in the engagement pictures called off the marriage... she's hoping for a love marriage to some guy. 

his job sponsors his green card... plus the length requirement for your marriage not to affect your green card status is 3 years. 

no my husband never goes on business trips. he's been to NY twice since we've been married (each trip was over the weekend) and he calls me with his nephew (since he's too young to understand anyway). other than that he's home every night. 

my husband has 3 close friends and one of them knows about me because he's also my hubs manager. i'm on his insurance and his taxes so that's how he knows. but this was after the roommate thing last year. after the roommate thing his friends havent been allowed in our house anymore. i dont really ask about his friends knowing since they havent been over here in like 9 months. but i really dont care what his friends think. if his friends told him to divorce me he wouldnt listen. his parents are another story.


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I agree with CoffeeAmore's original post in this thread, and will add one more red flag and that is that you're not talking about it because it is a sensitive issue. The sensitive issues are the ones you need most to be able to talk about with your spouse. You absolutely must talk about it, and the goals of the talks need to be to establish you as his wife with full wife rights and privileges where his family is concerned. 

I'm in a multi-cultural marriage, and I do understand dealing with cultural issues. In this case, I don't think it is a cultural issue so much as it is him not being able to stand up and say "This is my wife." You've lived with him for this long and that's your choice, but I think you need to talk to him and call on him to make a public choice, and that means talking with his family. If they're going to disown him, then he went into this marriage knowing that - he should be able to face those consequences. That's not you putting it on him, that's what he needs to do.

I wouldn't just continue to avoid talking about it and leave. I'd put it on the table, talk about it straightforward, and matter of fact, and lay the consequences of him not standing up for you as his wife on the table. He has consequences if he stands up and publicly declares you to be is wife, but there are also consequences if he does not. He needs to understand that, then he needs to stand up as the husband and give you your full rights and privileges as his wife. That means in front of his family, too.

That's my 2 cents worth.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> where would i go? should i even go? ... should i ask my mom to buy a condo with me? does a good marriage really need to be thrown down the toilet because of his racist brown family? what the hell gives them the right to be racist towards me anyway?? maybe they'd accept me and he's just too chicken **** to find out? should i tell them myself? should i stay out of his family relationships since i really know very little about them? its a very weird situation.. but any advice is appreciated


Sorry, Cory, I'm fresh out of advice at this point. You know he didn't marry you for a visa/green card, you're positive he doesn't have another wife in Pakistan. 

It appears that NONE of your questions above can be answered UNTIL your 2nd anniversary rolls around. You gave him an ultimatum and you'll have to see whether your H steps up and reveals your 2-yo marriage to his family and friends or not.

Either way, whether he does/doesn't, you may have questions or need advice AT THAT POINT as to your next move...with his parents/family or away from him or still hiding your marriage.

Good luck!


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I agree with Shy_Guy. It is not really a cultural thing but rather a husband not being able to stand up for his wife. You will find weird "disapproving" families everywhere irrespective of their color. However it is a choice that the husband needs to make on how to handle it. 

If (1) he was sure that his family would never accept you and (2) he was not ready to stand up for you and own you in front of them .... then he shouldn't have married you in the first place.

Also, I don't get the logic as to why 2 years?? If he would have told them at the time you got married, the counter would started 2 yrs back and by now they would have probably cooled off. Did he want to see if your relation stays strong for a minimum of two years so that it is worth taking the heat from his family? Did he anticipate a possible divorce in this timeframe in which case he wouldn't have to bother telling his family about you anyways? I can't think of any other reason, if not something fishy such as, another wife, green card etc....


----------



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

eowyn, those would be my guesses as well. i've probably been on the longest audition ever for the part of his wife.... but its not like its a multi million dollar part anyway. sheesh. 

i dont think he thought we would have divorced by now, but some women change after marriage. maybe he wanted to make sure that marriage wouldnt change me. i'm not sure why.. i've been honest and upfront about myself since i dunno.. forever. i've never had to lie or be creepy in a relationship. 

his original plan about waiting so long is that he has 7 brothers and sisters, and he was going to tell them individually so that as a family they could approach the parents together. but that never happened, so i dunno...

i had an indian coworker at my last banking center who married her white husband behind her parents backs. but she told them only about 3 months after her marriage. there was another indian girl who was livng with her white boyfriend her parents backs, but that chik was just a hot mess to begin with. i really dont think its that uncommon in their culture... its just really uncommon in american culture. 

the confrontation thing probably wont happen before our anniversary. its just too sensitive a topic. he really does feel guilty about it and he knows that he's wrong, and that he's put me through hell. he gets really defensive and pulls **** out of his ass to throw back at me. i really dont think it would be productive... in fact, it'd probably do more harm than good.


----------



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

so lets talk logistics.. 

i've tried to get my mom to buy a condo with me, but she refused to sign a mortgage with me. she offered to give me cash.. but i'm not sure if it'll be enough to buy the condo. 

so if i do leave.. what are the options? staying with friends arent an option... i work part time.. so paying rent on my own would be really hard. my husband gave me $6k to have in my own bank acct.. but i've been driving my husbands car since mine was totalled in an accident back in october... i'd have to get my own car as well.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

WHY do you have the EXACT SAME THREAD on two different boards running simultaneously?????????


----------



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

sorry... i didnt know it was a big deal. 

just thought i might get better/different perspectives from people who might frequent a different catergory... espeically since i didnt get any input from here on logistics of separation or any rights i would have if divorce was the ultimate verdict.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You cannot expect people here on TAM to give you FINANCIAL or LEGAL advice. 

See an attorney if you have legal questions about marital money, husband's money, names on the lease, breaking the lease, buying/leasing a new place. 

See a financial advisor if you have questions about buying a car, buying a condo vs. renting, etc.

You have not left yourself a lot of time to make decisions before your 2nd anniversary is here. Beware of making rash decisions.


----------



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

slowly getting wiser : you seem irritated... should i remind you.. you're not obligated to respond to my thread. 

i work at a bank.. taking the money is easy...any acct holder has the right to close the acct and take the funds without the other person present.. but that's not what i was referring to. i was already denied a mortgage at my bank without a cosigner and my mom refused to cosign with me. 

the lease is almost up and we've pre paid until that time. i'm at least smart enough to handle that much. 

so many women leave their husbands with kids and so much more baggage than i have.. i was just wondering how. honestly i would feel badly taking all the funds we both earned to start new life. but if that's the only way it can be done... i just want to prepare myself. 

again its not a done deal. my hubs could very well come through...he waits till the last minute for EVERYTHING. i'm just weighing my options.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> i've tried to get my mom to buy a condo with me, but she refused to sign a mortgage with me. she offered to give me cash.. but i'm not sure if it'll be enough to buy the condo.
> 
> so if i do leave.. what are the options? staying with friends arent an option... i work part time.. so paying rent on my own would be really hard. my husband gave me $6k to have in my own bank acct.. but i've been driving my husbands car since mine was totalled in an accident back in october... i'd have to get my own car as well.


If this is ALL the info we have from you, it would be imprudent to try to tell you what to do

Should you buy the condo? We don't know. *You* don't even know if the cash will be enough to buy the condo. We don't know if YOU have enough cash to pay for the rest of the condo. We don't know if you have a job that would enable you to pay the mortgage on the condo. You say paying rent on your own would be really hard. Would it be impossible? We don't know. Could you move in with your Mom? Your husband has given you $6K. You need a car because yours was wrecked. Should you use the $6K towards the condo? Towards a new car? Are you legally entitled to 50% of the value in your husband's car? Is he entitled to 50% of the insurance settlement on your wrecked car? We don't know. Were either/both of the cars purchased since your marriage?

The questions you are asking have legal implications if you and your husband divorce. 
This is why it is imprudent for us to offer legal/financial advice to you...and why it would be imprudent for you to accept what we say as 'good advice.'


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> i work at a bank.. taking the money is easy...any acct holder has the right to close the acct and take the funds without the other person present..i was just wondering how. honestly i would feel badly taking all the funds we both earned to start new life. but if that's the only way it can be done...


Just because you *can* take the money out of the account does not necessarily mean you will be legally entitled to keep 100% of it at the time of the divorce settlement. If it is a joint-account, is it legally split 50/50? If your husband earned 70% of the income, is he entitled to 70%? Is he entitled to less than 50% if HE is the one who files for divorce? Is it a first-come/first-served scenario (whoever grabbed it gets to keep it)? You may be required to repay some of the money to your ex-H. Without legal knowledge, we would just be guessing. 

This is WHY it is NOT prudent for us to offer or you to accept financial/legal advice on here. Although your question may SEEM easy, it could come back to bite you in the ass if you have to pay money back to your ex. Especially if you don't have the money at that point and it screws up your credit. See, compounding problems.

Now, IF it turns out that legally it IS a first-come/first-served scenario (whoever grabs it gets to keep it) and you wanted to know if you should feel badly for taking all the funds you both earned to start you new life....THEN you have NOW stated a moral/ethical problem that people have no trouble answering. If, indeed, it DOES turn out to be the case in the future, you will already have everyone's opinion on the matter.

...not sure you even WANT my opinion now on the hypothetical scenario above. Assuming you're legally allowed to take all the money out and keep it, I'd say DO IT. After all the cr*p you've gone through with this situation, if your husband files for divorce at the 2 year mark, I think you should legally take it all....and don't feel badly. You've done YOUR part to make this marriage work and to be honest and above-board about your husband.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cory275 said:


> so lets talk logistics..
> 
> i've tried to get my mom to buy a condo with me, but she refused to sign a mortgage with me. she offered to give me cash.. but i'm not sure if it'll be enough to buy the condo.
> 
> so if i do leave.. what are the options? staying with friends arent an option... i work part time.. so paying rent on my own would be really hard. my husband gave me $6k to have in my own bank acct.. but i've been driving my husbands car since mine was totalled in an accident back in october... i'd have to get my own car as well.


It makes sense that your mother will not sign a mortgage with you. If she did, she could end up stuck with paying your mortgage when you had financial problems.

If you leave, seems that you would need to find a full time job. That's what most people do to support themselves.

Do you have a college degree or any kind of skills that would help you earn a good living? If not perhaps you could go to school, get financial aid, and a work study job.

Use the $ 6K to get a car. Sounds like you will need it.


----------



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

just in case anyone wants an update... or new insight... 

my hubs and i went to bucca di beppo over the weeked, and we started talking about what we're going to do with a big chunk of our money we have in our savings.. we went to see a few condos that we were kind of excited about and i asked him, "what if your parents find out about me and they say they wont speak to you anymore unless you divorce me." i had to ask that question lik 10 times, but he finally said, "baby, i love you... i'm not gonna screw you. please dont worry about it". 

i guess only time will tell for sure... but he makes me a little more confident in him... i've been talking about divorce a lot lately... just like "if we get divorced what's gonna happen wth (money, car, furniture)" or "this could be our last cruise (our anniversary trip together)" and he's noticed.. last night he told me "damn, you're talking about divorce a lot these days"...20 more days.. the closer it gets the crazier i feel.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm sorry, but I don't understand the way you two communicate. It's so different from the way I talk to my husband. 

What's with all this dancing around the issue?

You hint and talk about divorce to your hubby I guess in the hopes that he'll say something to you that shows he's not thinking of divorce. And you're both waiting 20 days...for what? What's so magical about the next 20 days? Why not just ask him to make the call today to Pakistan? Why not ask him what his plan is for revealing the news to his family? 

If I were his family, I would feel really betrayed knowing he kept this news (being married) to himself for two years. If he had told them two years ago, you both might have patched things up with them at least a little.


----------



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

i committed to the two year thing... its an agreement between us. if you and your hubs decided to wait 2 years to have kids.. even though you're ready... would you fight about it every day until he's ready? i understand that he needs to be ready to tell them. the reaction that you've described is undoubtedly going to happen.. but i didnt put him in that situation. he did it to himself. i'll be there to support him when he tells them.. but i'll never accept any of the blame. 

i guess we both feel there's no reason to go back and forth and be unhappy up until the point he's supposed to tell them. when we first got married i was REALLY insecure about it. i didnt understand and i just cried and cried and cried... for days and days and days... and it killed him to see that he had done this to me. going on and on about it just wasnt productive. eventually it just caused us to fight constantly. 

i've asked him to cal pak and tell them. "no." is the answer. i've asked him to tell his sister while he goes to visit his nephew. "no." is the answer. "if you didnt want to wait the 2 years then you shouldnt have made the agreement. you shouldnt have married me". hunny.. i've heard it all. all i can do is be the best wife i can until the agreement is either fulfilled or expires. either way.. i know that i did everything on my end, and i held up my side of the agreement.


----------



## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

I can't offer any logistics advice as I have no experience in that area, but perhaps I could tell this from your husband's side? 

I am Chinese and my family, even though they have lived in America for over 50 years, are still very traditional in their way of thinking. My boyfriend is Puerto Rican, and just for that fact, and the fact that he's a single dad (although a wonderful father to his son), NO ONE in my family will accept him except for my father and brother (parents have been divorced for 15 years). They talk badly about him, insult any children we might have in the future, and my mom especially, made it crystal clear that she will never consider him part of the family, and said that if we married, I would no longer be considered her daughter. She also makes fun of me for associating with someone of a "lower race".

I can imagine how you feel because in the meantime, though my family knows I'm still with him, I did have to downplay the relationship somewhat and keep them apart, so keep the peace for now. My brother and I, and all the children in our family were raised to be obedient to our elders, no matter what, so to do something against their wishes would mean possibly losing most, or my entire family. My boyfriend isn't thrilled about it but he understands why I'm doing it. If this relationship produces an engagement, and subsequently, a marriage, as we are planning, then I will stand up to my family the day we get engaged. I hope they will not make me choose, but if they did, I would have to choose my fiance / husband, even if they do not approve. 

But seeing as you two have been married for some time now...he should have said something to his family by now, no? I don't think it's quite right that he's been hiding you, his wife, and treating you as though you were his, as someone said above, his "dirty little secret". Although, on the flip side, I can understand how hard it can be to tell your family when you've been raised all your life to always obey your elders, as I know is common in Eastern culture. But he's going to need to learn to stand up to them.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

galian84 said:


> I can't offer any logistics advice as I have no experience in that area, but perhaps I could tell this from your husband's side?
> 
> I am Chinese and my family, even though they have lived in America for over 50 years, are still very traditional in their way of thinking. My boyfriend is Puerto Rican, and just for that fact, and the fact that he's a single dad (although a wonderful father to his son), NO ONE in my family will accept him except for my father and brother (parents have been divorced for 15 years). They talk badly about him, insult any children we might have in the future, and my mom especially, made it crystal clear that she will never consider him part of the family, and said that if we married, I would no longer be considered her daughter. She also makes fun of me for associating with someone of a "lower race".
> 
> ...


I agree.. while disapproval from family is a common scenario, this is not a common solution to not introduce the spouse to the family or friends for 2 straight yrs...


----------



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

galian84 said:


> She also makes fun of me for associating with someone of a "lower race".


this makes me laugh... my grandmother is 100% japanese so i know how racist asians are... BELIEVE ME... my gma gets upset when chinese/korean places serve sushi. 

it just seems that sooo many brown people leave thier homelands for more opportunity. then they disapprove and get pissed off when they make lives for themselves. what the hell do they expect? 

i know my husband (and a lot of brown people) is (are) pretty racist against black people... but i'm not black. my mom has been a lawyer for 30 years... my parents were married for 24 years. i really dont know what he'd be ashamed for me about.. either way... its hard for me to understand racism against white people period... unless there's a legitimate reason like the whole slavery thing. i've been in a lot of situations where black people were racist against me (when i didnt do sh it to them btw).


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

cory275 said:


> this makes me laugh... my grandmother is 100% japanese so i know how racist asians are... BELIEVE ME... my gma gets upset when chinese/korean places serve sushi.
> 
> it just seems that sooo many brown people leave thier homelands for more opportunity. then they disapprove and get pissed off when they make lives for themselves. what the hell do they expect?
> 
> *i know my husband (and a lot of brown people) is (are) pretty racist against black people... but i'm not black*. my mom has been a lawyer for 30 years... my parents were married for 24 years. i really dont know what he'd be ashamed for me about.. either way... _*its hard for me to understand racism against white people*_ period... unless there's a legitimate reason like the whole slavery thing. i've been in a lot of situations where black people were racist against me (when i didnt do sh it to them btw).


i think it is unfair to categorize such things based on a handful of brown, black or white people you might know. i am brown so i know a lot more brown people myself, however i haven't seen many brown people being racist towards black or white. i have seen general racist behavior (brown to brown, brown to white, white to black.... all possible combinations) however it is difficult to label it as a general pattern, since it would differ from area to area, country to country, state to state, family to family etc.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

cory275 said:


> *i know my husband (and a lot of brown people) is (are) pretty racist against black people*... but i'm not black. my mom has been a lawyer for 30 years... my parents were married for 24 years. i really dont know what he'd be ashamed for me about.. either way... its hard for me to understand racism against white people period... unless there's a legitimate reason like the whole slavery thing. i've been in a lot of situations where black people were racist against me (when i didnt do sh it to them btw).



Who are these "brown people"? There are brown people in Asia, Africa, Central America, South America, Australia... the list goes on. I guess you mean south asians given that your husband is from Pakistan. 

You're generalizing as eowyn pointed out.

Racism isn't the monopoly of any one particular ethnic group. Parts of your post confirm that but then you lump people of a certain color and make a generalization about them that's not correct.

I wonder if it's really your background that's keeping him from breaking the news to his family. I don't know how else to say this, but could it be your weight. You mentioned in another thread that you're nearly 300 pounds at 5'5". Could his family have an issue with your size? I know you don't have an issue with it and he seemingly doesn't, but I wonder if in his culture whether that would be an impediment to marriage especially when you throw in the other factors like being of a different ethnicity, religion and upbringing.


----------



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

eowyn... if you're a brown person then i would then why are you so condescending in your replies? i mean.. calling me a fu cking mistress? are you kidding me???? if these are your people then you should have a little bit more understanding and/or compassion.

and i'm pretty sure my hubs knows as many brown people as you do.. since he's one of them as well. its not an assumption i made on my own. how the hell else would i come up with that statement? 

as far as my weight is concerned... believe it or not there are fat people in pakistan too. the ones who can afford to eat more than dirt consume GALLONS of oil... the dishes that i know how to make require at least 2 cups of oil per dish. and out of my hubs 7 brothers and sisters there are a few who are overweight as well. it doesnt seem to be an issue except with you guys... but thanks so much for suggesting it be a reason to dislike or disapprove of me. 

damn... people on this forum are so cynical and negative.. when i watch the show "intervention" it makes me feel better about myself cuz i'm not so fu cked up... i'm starting to feel better and better about myself after i read some of the ridiculous stuff people post on here. my situation maybe a little messed up.. but at least i'm not an a$$hole.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

cory275 said:


> eowyn... if _*you're a brown person then i would then why are you so condescending in your replies*_? i mean.. calling me a _*fu cking mistress*_? are you kidding me???? if *these are your people* then you should have a little bit more understanding and/or compassion.



Cory, Please get your facts right and read my posts one more time. 

1. In none of my posts have I called you a fu cking mistress!
2. Following have been my comments to your post so far and I don't see anything condescending in any of my replies. 
3. What does "being brown" have to do with being "condescending in replies"? I don't see the relation. 
4. These are not my people, simply because they happen to be brown... they are your people (your husband and your in-laws) 


_Is there a chance he is already married to some girl from his home country? I don't see why he didn't even introduce you to his friends. Has he introduced to you as his wife to anybody at all from his side? And yes, are you helping him with his visa, green card in any way? Does he go away for long on business trips etc?

I know a person who was cheated that way and it came to my mind. Might not apply to you but wld like to check anyways.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Yes, that is why it came to my mind that there might in fact be another woman who is "the official wife" who was introduced to family and friends... someone who came into picture (the girl in engagement pics?) either before or after his wedding with the OP. Hopefully this is not true, but probably worth validating.

Is there is timestamp on the engagement pics?
-----------------------------------------------------------
It is not really a cultural thing but rather a husband not being able to stand up for his wife. You will find weird "disapproving" families everywhere irrespective of their color. However it is a choice that the husband needs to make on how to handle it. 

If (1) he was sure that his family would never accept you and (2) he was not ready to stand up for you and own you in front of them .... then he shouldn't have married you in the first place.

Also, I don't get the logic as to why 2 years?? If he would have told them at the time you got married, the counter would started 2 yrs back and by now they would have probably cooled off. Did he want to see if your relation stays strong for a minimum of two years so that it is worth taking the heat from his family? Did he anticipate a possible divorce in this timeframe in which case he wouldn't have to bother telling his family about you anyways? I can't think of any other reason, if not something fishy such as, another wife, green card etc....
_


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

cory275 said:


> as far as my weight is concerned... believe it or not there are fat people in pakistan too. the ones who can afford to eat more than dirt consume GALLONS of oil... the dishes that i know how to make require at least 2 cups of oil per dish. and out of my hubs 7 brothers and sisters there are a few who are overweight as well. it doesnt seem to be an issue except with you guys... but thanks so much for suggesting it be a reason to dislike or disapprove of me.
> 
> damn... people on this forum are so cynical and negative.. when i watch the show "intervention" it makes me feel better about myself cuz i'm not so fu cked up... i'm starting to feel better and better about myself after i read some of the ridiculous stuff people post on here. my situation maybe a little messed up.. but at least i'm not an a$$hole.


Also, when people on the forum ask you questions that seem to have made you uncomfortable (weight etc) you should not take it personally. It is only with the intention to help you figure out what could be the issue behind your husband's behavior. If you don't think this is a valid reason you can just ignore it. Nobody on this forum is going to achieve anything by passing negative and cynical comments about you. Nobody even knows you or your husband to get anything out of it. 

Coming back to my comment, when I asked you to verify if your husband had another wife back in Pak, it was since I know a person that was cheated that way. It was not with the intention of referring to you as a mistress. This is a good forum and it will benefit you if you take these comments in a positive light, while ignoring the ones that might not apply to you.


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

cory275 said:


> this makes me laugh... my grandmother is 100% japanese so i know how racist asians are... BELIEVE ME... my gma gets upset when chinese/korean places serve sushi.
> 
> it just seems that sooo many brown people leave thier homelands for more opportunity. then they disapprove and get pissed off when they make lives for themselves. what the hell do they expect?
> 
> i know my husband (and a lot of brown people) is (are) pretty racist against black people... but i'm not black. my mom has been a lawyer for 30 years... my parents were married for 24 years. i really dont know what he'd be ashamed for me about.. either way... its hard for me to understand racism against white people period... unless there's a legitimate reason like the whole slavery thing. i've been in a lot of situations where black people were racist against me (when i didnt do sh it to them btw).


Why is it so shocking that anyone would be racist against White people (which you actually are not, if your grandmother is "100% Japanese")? That suggests that other races have "legitimate" reasons to be discriminated against.

Sorry, but based off some of the ignorance you've displayed in a few of your posts, I'd say you're a lot more like your grandmother than you care to admit.


----------

