# Do opposites really attract?



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

There's this ageold saying "opposites attract" that flies in the face of common sense when it comes to finding a lifelong mate. 

One would think otherwise, that the more commonalities a couple has, the better their chance of survival. Dating sites like match.com and eharmony are built off of this premise, and it seems that good matches produce good relational outcomes.

However, I wonder about this common sense based on nature. Consider magnets; the opposite poles attract. Consider white light; all of its wavelengths are absorbed by the color black. Consider majority sexual orientation; opposite genders generally attract. 

Also, I wonder about this common sense based on my previous dating and relationships. It almost seems like subconsciously, I tended toward women with more differences than commonalities, as if a natural attraction for opposites overrode common sense. 

What do you think of all of this, and what has been your experience? Do opposites really attract, or is it just a saying?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

_anonymous_ said:


> There's this ageold saying "opposites attract" that flies in the face of common sense when it comes to finding a lifelong mate.
> 
> One would think otherwise, that the more commonalities a couple has, the better their chance of survival as a couple. Dating sites like match.com and eharmony are built off of this premise, and it seems that good matches produce good relational outcomes.
> 
> ...


This is really a two-stage question. Do opposites attract in the first place and... can the attraction stand the test of time.

The answer is also two-fold. There are many ways in which a couple can be similar or different.

My wife and I are quite different in levels of gregariousness, openness, outgoing-ness, and basic energy and drive. Our opposites are quite complimentary and work together well. In my experience, virtually every couple I know has one member talkative and boisterous and the other quieter and more subdued. This seems to work well. It's hard for two quiet people to come together in the first place, and it can be a challenge for two dominant personalities to coexist. (there are, of course exceptions, but as a general rule, this seems to be quite constant).

There are other ways where being opposite can be a disaster. Successful couples need to share similar morals. Commonality in religious beliefs seems to be important. My wife and I have very similar attitudes about how to handle finances, which is often a major source of conflict in marriages. People who are opposites in these ways may occasionally find each other, but it is unusual for them to last.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Initially, yes. Long term, I have my doubts.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Outside of the "I'm gonna date this guy because it'll piss off my dad and I have daddy issues" mentality and the odd fetish, I don't really think "opposites attract". That's not to say you're going to marry someone who is the exact same as you, but that it's the similarities that bind us and provide a foundation to build on.

I would say that rather than "opposites attract" that complementary traits attract. Most people are attracted to the "opposite" sex, not because they are "opposites" but because they are complementary. They fit, like pieces of a puzzle.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I don't know about the initial attraction...if we are indeed attracted to our opposite right away just because they are different.
I've heard/read different things. Like we appreciate characteristics in that person that we ourselves aspire to.
We want to learn from them or we wish we had more of that personality trait so we gravitate toward it.

More likely in my opinion is the idea or theory that we are attracted to a person who carries the personally traits of a parent with which we have unfinished business. For example a woman who's dad was aloof and non-affirming will pick a similar man hoping to win him over.

Also there is a familiarity in choosing someone who is like a parent or parental figure.

I read a fascinating book called, "Keeping the Love You Find" by Harville Hendrix that explained in detail this theory and helps you try and work through some of your unhealed wounds from your parents before trying to choose a mate.

Moving on to the practicality of choosing a life-long relations with an opposite: it's hard!

My H and I are very different in many ways. 
We would be like the photo of two people looking at opposite sides of the same sphere and he says it's black and I say it's white...and it turns out the sphere is half white, half black. (Haha)

Neither of us is wrong but it makes it hard to move forward in many situations because we cannot even agree on the first premise in order to continue the discussion about what to do next.

It's frustrating and exhausting at times.

We have been married for 23 years so we've been making it work. 
More than anything I think that communication styles are the hardest to be opposite in. 
Different is good, but opposite not so much.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

_anonymous_ said:


> There's this ageold saying "opposites attract" that flies in the face of common sense when it comes to finding a lifelong mate.
> 
> One would think otherwise, that the more commonalities a couple has, the better their chance of survival as a couple. Dating sites like match.com and eharmony are built off of this premise, and it seems that good matches produce good relational outcomes.
> 
> ...


I don't think complete opposites attract i.e. he's a fitness freak and veganwhile she sits in front of the tv all day eating Kfc.She enjoys spending days walking around art galleries and museums while he plays dungeons and dragons for days on end.
There can be a lot of opposite attraction in other ways though.I have always been very independent and left home when I was sixteen.My gf was thirty two when she finally left her parents house.I have no problem going for days without speaking to another person and have done on many occasions,she likes social media and up until recently ran a gym so she was meeting lots of people every day.We are both into physical fitness,in my case martial arts and in her's callisthenics and yoga but we swim and walk together every day.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> I don't think complete opposites attract i.e. he's a fitness freak and veganwhile she sits in front of the tv all day eating Kfc.She enjoys spending days walking around art galleries and museums while he plays dungeons and dragons for days on end.



Well, I'm an extreme sports nut while my wife wanted nothing more than a nice walk in the park and a couple hours in a chair with Jane Austen. I love to get on the basketball court and _really compete aggressively_, while she has not a single competitive bone in her body.

But I don't think that was an example of opposites attracting as much as just some random traits of people who were attracted to each other.

Fortunately we have grown together quite a bit. She'll enjoys climbing fourteeners (mountains in Colorado that exceed 14,000 feet in elevation) and backpacking in remote wilderness with me while I love accompanying her at art museums and curling up on the couch in front of Masterpiece Theater.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Well for me, I thought at the time we were very similar in all the main areas that similarities would help a relationship. It seemed we agreed on everything, how we wanted to live our lives together, plan a family and how we would budget everything financially. I didn't find out about our differences until after we got married. Then I found out that she decided to change her mind about practically everything. If she was the way she said she was, we would still probably have a good marriage. It's all the differences that have made a mess of everything.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Well, I'm an extreme sports nut while my wife wanted nothing more than a nice walk in the park and a couple hours in a chair with Jane Austen. I love to get on the basketball court and _really compete aggressively_, while she has not a single competitive bone in her body.
> 
> But I don't think that was an example of opposites attracting as much as just some random traits of people who were attracted to each other.
> 
> Fortunately we have grown together quite a bit. She'll enjoys climbing fourteeners (mountains in Colorado that exceed 14,000 feet in elevation) and backpacking in remote wilderness with me while I love accompanying her at art museums and curling up on the couch in front of Masterpiece Theater.


Lol.Fourteen thousand foot mountains,that's what helicopters are for.My gf gets dizzy standing on a chair.She has a stair climber and she could climb the height but she wouldn't do it irl.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I think in some ways opposites attract and can compliment and that "opposite attraction" can add spark to romance. Being too similar might result in a "friend" feeling more than chemistry. However, there are some ways where being different is hell on relationships. Morals/values, how much you want to socialize as a couple, how much time you spend with friends & family, where you want to live, how you spend/save money, sex drives, interests - it's find to have different interests but if you pursue separate recreational interests and don't have things you enjoy doing together, you can drift apart real fast.

I have a thought about relationships that start out hot & heavy then crash and burn in frustration and despair - and that is: it's more "unfinished business" than "opposites" that attracts. I read this in a book once and realized it applied to my behavior in relationships. The idea is that when you have frustrations in relationships growing up, you tend to find people similar to those who hurt/frustrated you, and repeat the pattern from your childhood. Your subconscious is drawn to the pattern so it can do it again and "get it right this time." 

For example:
You have a very critical, demanding mother. You try desperately to please her as a child but it simply can't be done. As an adult, you are an over-achieving perfectionist and find yourself in a relationships with critical, demanding people. The whole world sees you as this great, successful person, except your mate who remains unimpressed. Your subconscious is trying to recreate the painful dynamic so you can finally have a happy ending and heal. You CAN get that demanding, critical person to love you!!! You are drawn, like a moth to the flame, to that person who can't be pleased because this time you will please them and you will finally be whole.

For those where opposites do attract and they are happy, I think respecting and appreciating each other's differences is key. Let's say I hate football and my husband loves it. I don't have to love football to make him happy, but if I make derisive comments about how stupid and boring "watching a bunch of men run around with a ball" is and he scoffs at how stupid my needlepoint (or whatever) is, that's going to create a very different dynamic than if I am happy and excited for him when his team wins, and show some interest in how it affects him. 




_anonymous_ said:


> There's this ageold saying "opposites attract" that flies in the face of common sense when it comes to finding a lifelong mate.
> 
> One would think otherwise, that the more commonalities a couple has, the better their chance of survival. Dating sites like match.com and eharmony are built off of this premise, and it seems that good matches produce good relational outcomes.
> 
> ...


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## Dazedconfuzed (Mar 20, 2017)

My wife and I were attracted to each other because of many of our 'opposite' traits. 

For example, I'm an extrovert, and she is an introvert. She loved having someone in her life to get her out of her bubble and her comfort zone while also making her feel safe in doing so, and I loved being with someone who was game to follow my lead.

Another is that I am a 'thinker' (and a 'feeler') and she is a 'doer.' She is like a shark - she has to stay in constant motion or she will die, lol. She lives life according to plans and goals and the next big thing, whereas I'm more content to simplify and just enjoy what I have. I was the one to get her to relax and 'smell the roses', as it were, and she was someone who pushed me to keep moving forward. She probably wouldn't have had as much fun in life if it weren't for me, and I wouldn't have built the life we have if it weren't for her.

I think it worked, for the most part, for a long time. However, once life got crazy with stress and responsibilities and tight finances and what not, those 'opposites' started tearing us apart. Still trying to figure out how (or even if) we can resolve the tensions inherent in our relationship.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Utter nonsense.

My wife and I are both white Anglo Saxon Protestant, human, born in the fifties, have siblings, were born and raised in the same state, lived in the same town, enjoyed going to the library, read extensively, graduated high school a year early, looked forward to getting out of the same small town, wanted children, etc., etc., etc.. 

The list of similarities is as long as I could bother typing.

The list of differences is just as long.

People just pick whatever floats their boat.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

There are certain things for which it's important to be in tune with one another, for example: ethics/morals, how one thinks about money, sense of humor, communication styles. Similarities in these areas are crucial for any relationship to survive.

However, there are other things in which choosing someone who is different/opposite is a good thing, because it helps create balance. I would never want to date someone exactly like me. I mean, how BORING would that be? And I could never be with a writer, because I consider myself a (currently fallow) writer, and being with another writer would make me crazy, because I would constantly (subconsciously) comparing myself to him and competing with him. I don't want someone who's into all the same stuff that I am (and vice versa), because I think in a relationship, each person should still have some/at least one hobby or activity that is JUST THEIRS and not shared with a partner.

And I think about qualities as opposites... I'm an introvert and Real Estate is an extrovert, so when we go out, he'll be a goofball and talk to all kinds of people, which makes it easier for me to engage, if I want to, but there's never any pressure on me to do so. Even so, he's a bit of a homebody, and I like to go and do (usually solo) activities and such, and he jokes that I "make him leave the house and do fun things," so I'm helping him out of his comfort zone a little. I love reading, but he's more of an auditory learner, so he never reads books--but we will read to each other, which is fun. Our differences help to mix things up a bit and keep things interesting.

ETA: Sex drives. I forgot sex drives. Perhaps the most important area of compatibility.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> This is really a two-stage question. Do opposites attract in the first place and... can the attraction stand the test of time.
> 
> The answer is also two-fold. There are many ways in which a couple can be similar or different.
> 
> My wife and I are quite different in levels of gregariousness, openness, outgoing-ness, and basic energy and drive.* Our opposites are quite complimentary and work together well. In my experience, virtually every couple I know has one member talkative and boisterous and the other quieter and more subdued. This seems to work well. It's hard for two quiet people to come together in the first place, and it can be a challenge for two dominant personalities to coexist. (there are, of course exceptions, but as a general rule, this seems to be quite constant).*


 I agree with this.. we see it often in couples.. 

In our relationship.. I am the more outgoing, talkative, feisty..can I add a little "hot headed"....which means less patient (though it depends on what it is too)...where my husband is very patient and laid back- he is primarily a Phlegmatic personality type, this also means he will be more on the "passive" side......where as I am more of a Chloric (primarily)... though enough melancholy to not make me high on the bar......I can be blunt, unfiltered, confrontational...I want to get to the root of something, I like to get things done, never a Procrastinator ....

Here is a write up to how these differences can work.. and work well.. just as a Sanguine & a Melancholy couple may also be attracted to each other due to differences that often compliment each other... it's like we ADMIRE in the other things we may struggle with.. if that makes sense.. and working together , each has their strengths and weaknesses...so the other half makes up for it, again.. if a couple works as a team.. 

Personality Compatibility: Phlegmatic - Choleric Match



> Despite the fact that these two temperaments are very different, they are often drawn to each other from the very first time they meet and it is thought to be because their opposite qualities complement for each other – opposites attract, or so they say!
> 
> Their problem solving skills are a good example of how opposites attract – with their web thinking, Phlegmatic people tend to ruminate about the issue at hand, but never solve it. They see it from so many different angles, and can think of so many facets of the problem, that they just never get to resolving it. From completely other side of the spectrum, Choleric people are fast at making decisions, but are likely to do that skipping over the secondary data altogether. Together, however, Choleric and Phlegmatic together prove to be a very effective team because they have these complementary qualities.
> 
> ...


Another article here explains the opposites attracting is more about Personality / temperament types...

 Your Personality & Ideal Match



> “Opposites attract” is actually quite accurate. But that wonderful catchphrase can also be quite misleading. As I explained in  What do you value? ....it is critical to the success and longevity of a relationship that a couple’s core values are the same; that they match. Clashing values lead to the breakdown of relationships, friendships and businesses. Identical or complimentary values lead to flourishing relationships in all areas of life.
> 
> So other than biology, where else does the phrase “Opposites attract” apply?
> 
> ...





Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> There are other ways where being opposite can be a disaster. Successful couples need to share similar morals. Commonality in religious beliefs seems to be important. My wife and I have very similar attitudes about how to handle finances, which is often a major source of conflict in marriages. People who are opposites in these ways may occasionally find each other, but it is unusual for them to last.


 Myself & husband are both savers.. we talked about our dreams early on.. we didn't have much but knew we could make it work .. if we were careful with our money.. this has helped tremendously.. Money is one thing we've never fought about.... if I married a frivolous spender & we couldn't pay the bills.. I would seriously raise the roof off the house.. ...I'd see someone like that as my mortal enemy, while we watched all our dreams die.. 

On those things we feel strongly about, how we envision our future with another... it's good to know what our "Deal breakers" are (we all have them! and they vary from person to person!)...if we overlook these things.. they will come back to BITE down the road .. the constant push & pull will cause fights, silent treatments, leading to resentment and misery.. where we would have been better suited with another who wanted similar things... this is where those values come into play...is this person in tune with our dreams, our lifestyle...what brings us happiness, can they be "One" with us...... 

I sought a man who valued marriage, wanted children, who wanted to live in the country (I hate the big city), that cared about spending time with family (not out with his buddies at the bar every night)... even things like "transparency", our love languages, sex drives..... all of these have a role in a couple's chemistry, how they get along...bringing them closer ... or feeling like they do not understand each other at all..


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> Well for me, I thought at the time we were very similar in all the main areas that similarities would help a relationship. It seemed we agreed on everything, how we wanted to live our lives together, plan a family and how we would budget everything financially. I didn't find out about our differences until after we got married. Then I found out that she decided to change her mind about practically everything. If she was the way she said she was, we would still probably have a good marriage. It's all the differences that have made a mess of everything.


JB, my XH was like that. He pretended to be my ideal man, and said (and acted) that he was interested in all the same stuff, and that we had similar goals and tastes, etc... and then after we were married, that man started to disappear, a little bit at a time, and the person that I was left with... well, frankly, he SUCKED and was nothing like what I would have chosen as a partner, and was very incompatible.

Part of me thinks, wow, that must be exhausting to put up a facade and maintain it for such a long time, knowing inside that you are someone totally and completely different. But then another part of me thinks... maybe he really wanted to be that person, and by being with me he could grow into a better version of himself, but ultimately he wasn't strong enough to make permanent changes in this way, and he slowly reverted back to his old self and behaviors.

Who knows?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I sought a man who valued marriage,..


This is soooooo key!
I came from parents who had a lot of problems but stuck it out. I learned the value of marriage from their example.

My wife came from a broken home, but learned just as well from the negative example. She never expected to get married but when she did, she was highly committed knowing what problems that caused her, and especially her brother. 

Bottom line, we were, and are, fully committed and have always put the marriage first, above personal desires. 

My wife is naturally the "taker" in the relationship but her commitment to the union was great enough to overcome that natural tendency and she has also given a lot to make things work. I am hugely proud of, and motivated by, how she has overcome her programming--and helped me overcome mine. I, of course was not without my quirks and faults, and most of my personal growth can be traced to her.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I met my H on eHarmony, and believe me when I say that I was beyond thrilled to be matched with him! I didn't know him well, but our paths had crossed from time to time, but I knew his family quite well for about 13 years prior to that. So, he wasn't "new" to me; it was comfortable right from the get-go, which was nice. I'm not sure how eHarmony works now, but when I was on it, it was based more upon your common interests, hobbies and such, which is great. But, I'm finding that when it really comes down to it, once you're in the nitty gritty of a marriage, and there's no time to take part in those common interests, it's really good to have common goals and values, common personality traits, common senses of humour. And, I'm finding that when those don't jive, the relationship no longer jives.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> Well for me, I thought at the time we were very similar in all the main areas that similarities would help a relationship. It seemed we agreed on everything, how we wanted to live our lives together, plan a family and how we would budget everything financially. I didn't find out about our differences until after we got married. Then I found out that she decided to change her mind about practically everything. If she was the way she said she was, we would still probably have a good marriage. It's all the differences that have made a mess of everything.


Ha, @jb02157, we should introduce our spouses; mine turned out the same way!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> This is soooooo key!
> I came from parents who had a lot of problems but stuck it out. I learned the value of marriage from their example.
> 
> My wife came from a broken home, but learned just as well from the negative example. She never expected to She was highly committed knowing what problems that caused her, and especially her brother.
> ...


I can relate... Like your wife...I came from divorced parents (very little compatibility- though my father did go on to marry someone who was perfect for him -even if she left much to be desired being a step parent)....

I basically watched my Mother destroy her life, having a nervous breakdown when I was just 10 over sleeping with a # of user men after the divorce.. no love, no emotion.... basically things I seen growing up were the very things I wanted NOTHING to do with, vowed they would never happen to me... I wanted a good man, an honorable man. 

My Grandmother next door had a beautiful marriage, she'd talk about their courtship, their early years, my Grandfather was a kind loving father / husband....she was my greatest mentor growing up.. I threw out the bad, knew what was not acceptable and believed for what I hoped to find, something like what my Grandparents shared.. 

I was very young and felt time was on my side...

I'd say I was more of a taker back then...I was more "needy"... due to some of my hardships growing up (my mother took off with a drunk, then living with a step mom who didn't want me there, I had some chips on my shoulder)....He wanted to take me away from all that.. give me a good life... we just wanted the same things early on.. it just worked.


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## WhiplashWish (Mar 20, 2017)

I think opposites do attract, but what makes them stay with one another is when they start taking an interest in the other person's hobbies, interests, passions, and points of view. They don't have to adopt them or engage in them, but showing interest and affirming the value of the other person's hobbies, interests, passions, and points of view - especially when they don't match up with yours - can help cement a loving relationship.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Ha, @jb02157, we should introduce our spouses; mine turned out the same way!


Yeah, they would probably love each other. I, for one, don't like getting deceived.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> In my experience, virtually every couple I know has one member talkative and boisterous and the other quieter and more subdued. This seems to work well. It's hard for two quiet people to come together in the first place, and it can be a challenge for two dominant personalities to coexist. (there are, of course exceptions, but as a general rule, this seems to be quite constant).


My wife and I are both introverted. To your point, I sometimes wonder how we came together, when both of us were simultaneously so quiet and thoughtful. Over the years, we’ve both struggled at expanding our social circle as a couple, and it has yet to expand to my preference for more mutual friends. Nature is hard to change.

I think that for us, our introverted natures were oddly a point of attraction. My wife feels social anxiety with extroverted people, and based on my limited experience, I never preferred the company of extroverted people, though for a different reason. To me, it seemed where extroverts gained breadth of their relationships, they lost depth and this tradeoff was never appealing to me. I’ve always preferred less company and more substance to the relationship than the opposite. My viewpoint is perhaps flawed and a result of not socializing with enough extroverts for a different experience, but that’s how it stands. 



tigerlily99 said:


> More likely in my opinion is the idea or theory that we are attracted to a person who carries the personally traits of a parent with which we have unfinished business. For example a woman who's dad was aloof and non-affirming will pick a similar man hoping to win him over.


This is interesting. My wife has troubled relationships with all of the men in her life: her father, her brother, and her husband. This is super concerning in and of itself, however, what’s fascinating to me is how the conflict between my wife and her dad resembles the conflict between her and me. The core of that conflict is neglect and mistrust, and I sometimes wonder if my wife saw the same in me while dating, and gravitated to me with the intention of success on a front where previously she had failed.



jb02157 said:


> Well for me, I thought at the time we were very similar in all the main areas that similarities would help a relationship. It seemed we agreed on everything, how we wanted to live our lives together, plan a family and how we would budget everything financially. I didn't find out about our differences until after we got married.


Ain’t that the truth! A guy and a gal never know how opposite they really are as a couple, until there is little information asymmetry. What I mean by that is: neither the guy nor the gal is withholding private information about themselves in the transaction of vows for companionship. Best way to avoid the adverse selection problem is living together before marriage, though some folks (like my wife and I) opt to do things “the right way”. In hindsight, this choice seems like a mistake, and prevented my wife and I from truly understanding where we were different, and if those differences would prove divisive in the course of our relationship.



Dazedconfused said:


> My wife and I were attracted to each other because of many of our 'opposite' traits.
> 
> For example, I'm an extrovert, and she is an introvert. She loved having someone in her life to get her out of her bubble and her comfort zone while also making her feel safe in doing so, and I loved being with someone who was game to follow my lead.
> 
> Another is that I am a 'thinker' (and a 'feeler') and she is a 'doer.' She is like a shark - she has to stay in constant motion or she will die, lol. She lives life according to plans and goals and the next big thing, whereas I'm more content to simplify and just enjoy what I have. I was the one to get her to relax and 'smell the roses', as it were, and she was someone who pushed me to keep moving forward.


I agree with this too. More and more, it seems like the whole “opposites attract” is true to some degree, and not true elsewhere when agreement really matters to the couple.

While being introverted was a common trait that attracted my wife and me, I do believe some opposites brought us together as well. An example would differences in our personalities when it comes to responding to uncertainty. My wife is somewhat of a “spaz” when things don’t go as planned, and I tend to be more relaxed and directed to problem solving. Another would be her tendency to overthink things in advance, where I do better with sorting out details “on the fly”. Lots of areas where we seem “to balance” each other…


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

_anonymous_ said:


> Ain’t that the truth! A guy and a gal never know how opposite they really are as a couple, until there is little information asymmetry. What I mean by that is: neither the guy nor the gal is withholding private information about themselves in the transaction of vows for companionship. Best way to avoid the adverse selection problem is living together before marriage, though some folks (like my wife and I) opt to do things “the right way”. In hindsight, this choice seems like a mistake, and prevented my wife and I from truly understanding where we were different, and if those differences would prove divisive in the course of our relationship.


Couples who live together before marriage actually have a higher divorce rate than those who don't.

I have a theory on this. I think that a lot of couples move in together because they're not ready to take the next step towards marriage, but they're at a point where the relationship either has to move forward or they need to break up and go their separate ways. Instead of breaking up, they move in together as a way of moving the relationship forward... which makes it even harder to break up. Then, I think, a lot of these couples end up getting married either because of outside pressure, or they figure they "should," or they're too scared to break up and start over, or one person really wants marriage and the other person figures, well we're already living together, so that seems like the logical next step--in none of these scenarios do the people actually consider if it is the right choice... they just see it as the default option, so one (or both people) aren't really invested in the marriage, as much as they would be if it was something they really wanted, and so ultimately the relationship fails.

I for one, decided that I would never again live with a man unless we were both already committed to getting married. I will never again give up my independence and personal space who isn't absolutely sure if he wants to make a life commitment to me and our relationship.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*To some extent, perhaps, but not entirely!*


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> Couples who live together before marriage actually have a higher divorce rate than those who don't.
> 
> I have a theory on this. I think that a lot of couples move in together because they're not ready to take the next step towards marriage, but they're at a point where the relationship either has to move forward or they need to break up and go their separate ways. Instead of breaking up, they move in together as a way of moving the relationship forward... which makes it even harder to break up. Then, I think, a lot of these couples end up getting married either because of outside pressure, or they figure they "should," or they're too scared to break up and start over, or one person really wants marriage and the other person figures, well we're already living together, so that seems like the logical next step--in none of these scenarios do the people actually consider if it is the right choice... they just see it as the default option, so one (or both people) aren't really invested in the marriage, as much as they would be if it was something they really wanted, and so ultimately the relationship fails.
> 
> I for one, decided that I would never again live with a man unless we were both already committed to getting married. I will never again give up my independence and personal space who isn't absolutely sure if he wants to make a life commitment to me and our relationship.


It would be interesting to know if the divorce rate changes for such couples, when controlling for certain variables (previous marriage, demographics, region, etc.). With most decisions, more information is better, so I would question what's underlying that trend. I've heard this before and it seems counter-intuitive.

If two people live together before marriage, they have a better chance of knowing what they're walking into. Unless, of course, one person is working very hard to put on a facade in order to get commitment out of the other person.

In the end, no perfect way of knowing what grade spouse you're getting, but some ways seem better than others. If two people are thinking of getting married, it's likely best to trial that by living together before saying "I do".


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Not for me. I need a lot in common, and opposite of me would not ever be attractive as a mate.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

_anonymous_ said:


> It would be interesting to know if the divorce rate changes for such couples, when controlling for certain variables (previous marriage, age, demographics, etc.). With most decisions, more information is better, so I would question what's underlying that trend. I've heard this before and it seems counter-intuitive.
> 
> If two people live together before marriage, they have a better chance of knowing what they're walking into. *Unless, of course, one person is working very hard to put on a facade in order to get commitment out of the other person.*
> 
> In the end, no perfect way of knowing what grade spouse you're getting, but some ways seem better than others. If two people are thinking of getting married, it's likely best to trial that by living together before saying "I do".


The bolded statement above? That's what my XH did. He changed drastically after the wedding. It wasn't immediate, it was bit by bit. We lived together for FIVE YEARS before we got married. FIVE YEARS. 

I think that your concept works _IF_ the couple has already decided to get married (so they are engaged), and they move in together after the engagement and at least, say, a year before the wedding. Because then they already know they want to make that commitment--in other words, moving in together is a result of their decision to make that commitment, rather than being a half-step in moving the relationship forward because one or both doesn't actually want to get married--and it's a long enough period of time to get to know one another's quirks; also, planning a wedding is high-stress, so they get to really see like the other person is like 24-7 when under stress, and the length of time is long enough that there's plenty of time to back out if one person realizes, "Hey! I can't live with this person. I want out."

When I don't think it works is when living together happens under the circumstances laid out in my previous post.

(ETA: My living with my XH was an example of the latter, where it doesn't work, if anyone was curious.)


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

My wife and I are and always have been fairly opposite, but it was that that created our dynamic. She always wants to be on the go and doing things and I like to just kick back and relax. It's actually been a great thing and has helped us push each other out of our comfort zones and really made our relationship what it was. Granted 14 years later we had a disconnect over stupid petty BS and now she feels like we've drifted apart and that's caused more problems, but hey you take things and deal with them as they come and whatever happens happens.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

_anonymous_ said:


> Ain’t that the truth! A guy and a gal never know how opposite they really are as a couple, until there is little information asymmetry. What I mean by that is: neither the guy nor the gal is withholding private information about themselves in the transaction of vows for companionship. Best way to avoid the adverse selection problem is living together before marriage, though some folks (like my wife and I) opt to do things “the right way”. In hindsight, this choice seems like a mistake, and prevented my wife and I from truly understanding where we were different, and if those differences would prove divisive in the course of our relationship.
> 
> 
> We decided to do things the "right way" to. Without living together, I would expect two people who intend to get married should at least be honest with each other. You would be able to fake everything before getting married while living together just as well as you could otherwise.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> You would be able to fake everything before getting married while living together just as well as you could otherwise.


Quite possibly, but I do think it might be harder to put on a facade while living together. More opportunity to monitor, and more likelihood the other person lets his/her guard down


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I do not see how people can fake much when they are living together.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

_anonymous_ said:


> Quite possibly, but I do think it might be harder to put on a facade while living together. More opportunity to monitor, and more likelihood the other person lets his/her guard down


I think living together is the big test in these situations.Also how do people behave in stressful circumstance.If someone completely switches off and shuts out their partner in a problematic situation, i.e. future in law problems or personal financial problem then that can be a warning sigh of things to come.If important decisions are discussed in advance,children,religion etc a lot of problems can be avoided but if one partner changes drastically after marriage then trouble ensues.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I think living together is the big test in these situations.*Also how do people behave in stressful circumstance.*If someone completely switches off and shuts out their partner in a problematic situation, i.e. future in law problems or personal financial problem then that can be a warning sigh of things to come.If important decisions are discussed in advance,children,religion etc a lot of problems can be avoided but if one partner changes drastically after marriage then trouble ensues.


Yes.

You want to see your partner at his or her worst before you decide to marry. You want to see the extremes of what you may be dealing with.

Eyes wide open, as they say.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

kivlor said:


> outside of the "i'm gonna date this guy because it'll piss off my dad and i have daddy issues" mentality and the odd fetish, i don't really think "opposites attract". That's not to say you're going to marry someone who is the exact same as you, but that it's the similarities that bind us and provide a foundation to build on.
> 
> I would say that rather than "opposites attract" that complementary traits attract. Most people are attracted to the "opposite" sex, not because they are "opposites" but because they are complementary. They fit, like pieces of a puzzle.


this..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ursula said:


> I met my H on eHarmony, and believe me when I say that I was beyond thrilled to be matched with him! I didn't know him well, but our paths had crossed from time to time, but I knew his family quite well for about 13 years prior to that. So, he wasn't "new" to me; it was comfortable right from the get-go, which was nice. I'm not sure how eHarmony works now, but when I was on it, it was based more upon your common interests, hobbies and such, which is great. But, I'm finding that when it really comes down to it, once you're in the nitty gritty of a marriage, and there's no time to take part in those common interests, it's really good to have common goals and values, *common personality traits, common senses of humour. And, I'm finding that when those don't jive, the relationship no longer jives.*


Uh, Oh!.... for you.

Great insight.

This is the chemistry that we talk about. And that is why a long courtship helps eliminate those problems, eliminates a future marriage prospect.
Most often, though, initial love and passion blinds us to these other personality quirks that will cause issues down the road. We hastily and hopefully marry. We take a chance or we do not give the new relationship careful scrutiny.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

My husband and I have some opposite personality traits, but very similar core values.

I have a lot of respect for him, for his integrity, his wisdom, and his demonstrated commitment to those core values we share. I think that is why I am still as attracted as I am to him after all these years. Still inspired by him.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

According to Paula Abdul, they do. :grin2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Not for me. *I need a lot in common,* and opposite of me would not ever be attractive as a mate.


And that is why I am doomed. 

*There is no common in me*. My perfect mate was born on Mars and was schooled on Venus; is under the "kindly" spell of Neptune!!
....................................................................................................................................

Astrologically, [and ideally] the best mate would be one representative of the *opposite pole* of the first house [which is you]. The seventh is opposite the first. The seventh house represents your partners, viz., spouse, business partners, etc. 

Because both houses on are one the same "line" they have affinities. They have attractors. Here's the rub...if the seventh house has afflicted planets in it, or if the ruler of the seventh house is afflicted, you need to be "extra" careful in picking a life partner. 

Life can be complicated. Fate and going along with "presented" Fate adds to the difficulties. We have some free will, but you need to use it! Not be swept along by the people, situations and forces surrounding you.

*Set your own sail.*

Many people on TAM and in this world think this is nonsense. And that is the way it should be. Knowledge is dangerous. 


Just sayin'


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Uh, Oh!.... for you.
> 
> Great insight.
> 
> This is the chemistry that we talk about. And that is why a long courtship helps eliminate those problems, eliminates a future marriage prospect. Most often, though, initial love and passion blinds us to these other personality quirks that will cause issues down the road. *We hastily and hopefully marry. We take a chance or we do not give the new relationship careful scrutiny.*


I couldn't agree more, and that's what happened to us. We jumped in with both feet, and had a lot of hope initially. But, in the grand scheme of things, we didn't _really_ know each other. We had A LOT of common interests, and still do, but H is too busy to take part in these very often. Once in awhile, we'll get away to the mountains for some hiking and photography, or will take a trip every couple years, but you can't build a relationship of any sort on a weekend here and there, or a 2-week trip every couple years. This marriage has taught me a lot, but one huge thing it's taught is that relationships need work and effort put into them EVERY DAY, not just when the need calls for it, or when both people suddenly have some time on their hands.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

jld said:


> I do not see how people can fake much when they are living together.


It is possible, my friend. My XH managed it for FIVE YEARS. Can you imagine the amount of effort that took?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

What I've noticed from my and others experiences is that for a relationship/marriage to work, both people need to have the same/similar lifestyle.
By that I mean that it's hard to understand the lifestyle of your partner if you're a singer and he's a math teacher. What brings them together? How many chances are there for you and him to meet in the first place, even? 

Morals is important as well and similar interests just the same. If you and him don't look in the same direction when it comes to life goals, then the relationship will hardly survive. 

As for characters, I think they need to be complementary but not total opposites or even the same. 
Opposites will find nothing in common and the same characters will "explode" in a way or another. Being complementary fits better in your and his/her life. 

From my dating experiences, I've realized that I've mostly been around more introvert people (although I'm WAY too extrovert). I like extrovert people more than introvert ones, but for some totally unknown reason I've found myself around introvert people. Also, I like to do things outdoors, stay out as much as possible, go to the gym, go to clubs, hang out with friends...etc. while my ex partners were loners or quieter than me and enjoyed spending time indoors. I've always been pushy about spending time outdoors.

See?? Not that I wanted to, but when I make an analysis, I realize I've been dating "opposites". It's like an automated rule of universe.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> It is possible, my friend. My XH managed it for FIVE YEARS. Can you imagine the amount of effort that took?


No, I can't. Especially with a partner as perceptive as you are.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

jld said:


> No, I can't. Especially with a partner as perceptive as you are.


I've grown a lot and learned a lot since then, mostly because of the failure of the marriage and the subsequent divorce. You've only known me post-divorce. I'm a MUCH different person now.

ETA: If you go back and start reading my very first thread, you'll see the difference.


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