# Jealousy from cheater.



## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

So I recently caught my husband having an EA with a co worker, and I am trying to forgive him and move forward, without turning into a super jealous wife (still works with her twice a week) and it seems like he is the one turning into the jealous husband! Idk how the tables got turned, shouldn't I be the one looking through his phone, fb, emails? (which i do) I feel insulted that he is treating me like I did something wrong, like I'm the one who can't be trusted. He has always been the jealous type and it got worse once his EA started but now it's a lot worse. He doesn't want me to have a fb and doesn't want me to play wwf with one of his friends. He compares me having a fb to his EA, says that the way I feel when he's at work with her is the way he feels everyday because I have a fb and could be talking to someone behind his back. I have never cheated on him or lied to him. Is this normal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jones4 (Jan 17, 2012)

I can't imagine it's all that uncommon? I think he's deflecting guilt, changing the subject from him to you etc. Just a defensive move. You can turn the tables and tell him "feel free to check my e-mail, I have nothing to hide". 

Clearly, you can only take so much of this as it's not warranted. Perhaps he'll slow it down after a bit. I'm sure it takes some time for all parties involved to get over this and move forward.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

My fb is always logged on, my email is always open , and he does look through it. He deleted some male acquaintances of my fb, which I was ok with. But I just feel he shouldn't feel like he has to worry about me. It gets me angry and then I throw what he did in his face, idk how else to react.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Hello,
I would not suggest just 'taking' this kind of behavior. The nerve of him to accuse you (given there is not anything to really accuse you of), classical deflection of his own guilt. He thinks if he blows enough 'smoke up your..' about your doings, his actions will fall by the wayside or be less grave (because now you have to defend what you are doing and don't have time to dwell on his behavior).

Don't let him do that to you, it will only strengthen his hold on you. I can understand if somebody gets jealous at times but because of what he did he has no right to play the righteous card here. He (as well as you) should make an effort to improve your relationship. Blameshifting will not get you guys anywhere.

I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship and find out what both of you are missing and then start trying to re-connect by fulfilling each others most important emotional need.
(If you haven't read the 5 Love Languages, it will help determine what your love language is and help fulfill each others needs).


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Its normal stressedmomandwife, He compares you to his OW, she may be a married Sh*t, he know how she is cheating on her husband, so he may think you also may do the same to him. Other reason may be he is afraid that you may go for a revenge affair. One more reason may be there which i am not sure, he may be provocating you to live him so that he can continue his affair without any barrier in betwen them.Get MC, find out what is wrong in your marriage, if you can

If she is married expose her to her husband, it will be the best thing you can do to her husband and a human being. else they will go underground. expose her with what ever evidence you have.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

projection


he knows how he is capable of cheating thus he thinks you are likely to cheat


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It's not uncommon for betrayed spouses to have "revenge affairs" of their own. So your husband is not entirely out to lunch.

However, that doesn't mean that you have to wear a chastity belt now that he cheated.

As Christine suggested, this may just be a strategy by your husband to change the subject by focusing on you. The best defense is a good offense.

I think you should simply be as transparent with your husband as he is with you. If he's worried about your Facebook, he can log in to your account any time. And vice versa.

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My exH was always super duper jealous... and it's because he was cheating. I was never a jealous person before all that went down. Trusted him w/ every fiber of my being. Then I later did the same and well, we were both jealous. 

It's VERY common for the cheater to project that jealousy onto the betrayed. In fact, my exH used to get mad if I talked to the postman who brought out mail. Looking back, I think he cheated for a LOT longer than I will prob ever know.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

Christine11 said:


> Hello,
> I would not suggest just 'taking' this kind of behavior. The nerve of him to accuse you (given there is not anything to really accuse you of), classical deflection of his own guilt. He thinks if he blows enough 'smoke up your..' about your doings, his actions will fall by the wayside or be less grave (because now you have to defend what you are doing and don't have time to dwell on his behavior).
> 
> Don't let him do that to you, it will only strengthen his hold on you. I can understand if somebody gets jealous at times but because of what he did he has no right to play the righteous card here. He (as well as you) should make an effort to improve your relationship. Blameshifting will not get you guys anywhere.
> ...


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> My exH was always super duper jealous... and it's because he was cheating. I was never a jealous person before all that went down. Trusted him w/ every fiber of my being. Then I later did the same and well, we were both jealous.
> 
> It's VERY common for the cheater to project that jealousy onto the betrayed. In fact, my exH used to get mad if I talked to the postman who brought out mail. Looking back, I think he cheated for a LOT longer than I will prob ever know.




Does jealousy always mean he's cheated, because he has always been the jealous type and blames it on his insecurities. Does that mean he's always been cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, it doesn't always mean he has cheated--he could just be a very jealous/insecure/possessive person. Or maybe he was cheated on in the past. It fvcks you up in the head when you had cheated on.

In my case though, he had cheated.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Maybe he is now feeling so jealous of FB because he saw how easy it was for him to have a EA. He might be afraid that you could never love him the same and may try to look where oppurtinity has always been , just like he has oppurtinity every day while at work. 

My husband now calls FB *UCK BOOK after his affiar was brought out from the crazy witch posting on his FB wall, plus I had found out many other things that were a couple years old from his FB account. Maybe he is accusing you because he is guilty


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

I don't believe that being a jealous person in general means he has cheated. It shows more that he is very insecure and needs the assurance of love. It also could show a bit of possessiveness.

I am glad you are not 'taking' it. Trust me, getting angry (which is normal in this situation) is not going to help at all. It actually gives him more power. If you can't talk to him without getting angry (again, totally normal), try texting him or communicate with him in another written form (it helped me when I got angry).

Tell him what you need him to do to help you get past this. You will need him to do his part, you can't do this alone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Re: the FB thing... I agree with Blue--he prob had some of his own A right there on the FB which is why he's so weird about you being on there.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

He has always had a problem with social networks. First it was MySpace so I deleted it, now it's fb. He didn't have a fb acct till recently. I had always told him that he didn't know what it really was till he tried it. I felt like he thought it was like match.com or a similar site, so I told him to try it out and if he still felt the same I would delete it, but he never did. It wasn't until after this happened that he said that fb was a huge issue why he was insecure and felt that I would meet and talk to someone else, he said maybe he should try it out so that he understands why I like it. So I made him one and he still doesn't like it. I have one of his friends as a friend and I play wwf with him and he says it makes him uncomfortable that I play and have him a friend because of the type of person his friend is. But I keep telling him that if he trusted me he wouldn't worry about me being friends with anyone, he should know that I'm not going to do anything with anime and although he doesn't trust him he should trust me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darkhorse123 (Sep 13, 2014)

Wow; I know it's been over 2 years, but I really hope you left him. Not only did he cheat on you, but he's making you feel like the guilty one. Your husband is very manipulative and selfish. 

You should show him you know your self worth and leave him. You'll wish you had when, years down the line, you find out he's been cheating on you the whole time. Yes, jealousy can be a big indication of being a cheater. The fact that he's already a confirmed cheater and has always been jealous and is even more so now means he was probably cheating on you since early on, and might still be. 

He is projecting onto you because he knows he can cheat easily. And you are projecting onto him that he might somehow become loyal because you are naturally loyal. Don't let him take advantage of you anymore; that's not the way a marriage should be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

darkhorse123 said:


> Wow; I know it's been over 2 years, but I really hope you left him. Not only did he cheat on you, but he's making you feel like the guilty one. Your husband is very manipulative and selfish.
> 
> You should show him you know your self worth and leave him. You'll wish you had when, years down the line, you find out he's been cheating on you the whole time. Yes, jealousy can be a big indication of being a cheater. The fact that he's already a confirmed cheater and has always been jealous and is even more so now means he was probably cheating on you since early on, and might still be.
> 
> He is projecting onto you because he knows he can cheat easily. And you are projecting onto him that he might somehow become loyal because you are naturally loyal. Don't let him take advantage of you anymore; that's not the way a marriage should be.


While her husband's behavior seems a bit odd... about 50% of all people who are cheated on end up having revenge affairs. Anyone who broke their marriage by cheating has good cause to be concerned that their BS will also cheat.

It's usually advised that things like shared passwords, etc apply to both spouses because of this.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Be nice to know if they worked it out, or if the husband's jealousy finally pushed her out. I hope she's doing well.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Not only is it projection, but its also implicit blameshifting.

While the intention is projection, it essentially allows him to bring you down to his level and thus indirectly softens the impact of his infidelity.

Anytime he tries to do that, he needs to be reminded "I did not cheat. I remained loyal while you betrayed me. Do not project your own failure on me. If you want reconciliation which is a privilege im granting you, you will not degrade me by even implictly suggesting I am capable of such betrayal myself. Stop now or ill serve you papers and find a man who is capable of being loyal and treating me with respect."

Be prepared to follow through with that threat. If you want respect, you must demand respect. If you want others to value you, you must have boundaries and *enforce* them. If you want to keep something, you must be prepared to lose it.

Being strong and demanding respect while holding him accountable for his betrayal is the only way your reconciliation will ever be successful.

**EDIT** And I just now realize this is 2 years old. Oh well, hopefully she stood her ground and they either worked things out or she moved on.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

It is called control and in particular, damage control. He may be having more than an EA. His reputation is his priority. He doesn't want you seeking or receiving advice outside of him. He wants you "isolated" so he can tell you what to think and feel. He's checking your social media to make sure you aren't talking about him and eliminating your male friends who are potential "confidants" because that's how his A started. He is paranoid. That's fear. He isn't afraid of losing you, he's afraid of being exposed.


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## jack_1970 (Jan 22, 2014)

its been 18 months since my wife cheated on me , and yes she is way supper jealous than ever. don't know what it is ,and I have had many occasions to cheat but never will , I've been cheated on in the past and I wouldn't inflict this feeling to any one , its hard to forgive and harder to forget , she often makes me feel like im the bad guy here , understanding would help ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,who has the answers


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Calibre1212 said:


> It is called control and in particular, damage control. He may be having more than an EA. His reputation is his priority. He doesn't want you seeking or receiving advice outside of him. He wants you "isolated" so he can tell you what to think and feel. He's checking your social media to make sure you aren't talking about him and eliminating your male friends who are potential "confidants" because that's how his A started. He is paranoid. That's fear. *He isn't afraid of losing you, he's afraid of being exposed.*



And he also wants to keep an inventory of reasons on hand to justify dumping you if it should ever come to that.

Everyone wants to think of themself as a good guy. If your husband dumps you, he wants to convince himself that he had good reason to.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> And he also wants to keep an inventory of reasons on hand to justify dumping you if it should ever come to that.
> 
> Everyone wants to think of themself as a good guy. If your husband dumps you, he wants to convince himself that he had good reason to.


:iagree: ...And convince everyone else that you are the nut-case.


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