# Am I Going Completely Crazy?!!? or am I really to blame??!



## morethanconfused (Apr 24, 2018)

My husband and I have been married for a couple years. A year before we got married he was in a life-changing accident that left him in a manual wheelchair due to paralysis from the mid-abdomen down. I have three children from a previous relationship, who I have sole custody of. Before we got married he was not seeing his daughter from a previous relationship because the child's mother was "difficult and constantly calling him names, telling him he was worthless, etc". 

He stated that the fight with her was too emotionally draining. He was paying child support, and personally, I thought it was BS. I contacted her myself and said "Hey, this is not right that he is paying his child support, but isn't allowed to see his child for the few hours every other weekend that is allotted in the court order." 

She replied with, "I wondered when I would hear from you, and I was actually glad to hear he was seeing someone with kids because then I will be more comfortable with him seeing her." From there he started to contact her and set up for him to see his child. The first couple times he went alone because he hadn't seen her in over a year. And then from there, him and I, and my three kids all started going together. We were not allowed to take the child, so we would have to all hang out at her house, it was all just very strange. 

A couple months later he had his accident and was in the hospital in a town a couple hours away for a couple months, and then was eventually transferred to the hospital here in our hometown for his inpatient rehabilitation and therapies. While he was in the hospital in another town, I did what I could to keep the visitation going with his daughter, although I wasn't permitted by her mother to drive her up with me and my children to visit him for an afternoon, she did allow me to pick her up from pre-school, even removed one of her friends to add me on as a designated pick-up person (even though she had only known me a few months, and had NEVER listed my husband or his family as people who could pick her up), the child was able to come and hang out during the evening with me and my kids at our home, she came to my son's birthday party, went to the pumpkin patch with us, etc. 

All of these events took place without her mother being present. Once my husband was transferred to our hometown hospital, the first evening he was back my kids and I were hanging out with him in his hospital room, we were even allowed to bring our dog up that he hadn't been able to see for a couple months. I let his daughter's mom know we would be there that evening, and asked if she could bring the child up to hang out with us. She had only seen her dad once while he was in the hospital in the other town, and that was when he was in ICU, hooked up to a ventilator, unable to speak due to having a trach, and feeding tube coming out of his nose. However, at this point of him being back in our hometown he was no longer ventilated, wore his own clothes, he looked and seemed perfectly normal, besides the fact that he couldn't get up and walk. 

Back to the first evening, she brought the child up, but instead of leaving the child for an hour or so to hang out with us (me, my husband, and my three kids), she insisted on staying in the room with all of us for the visit, just like back before the accident when we had to stay at her house for visits. I was a little confused because why would she allow me take this child on my own with my kids, while he was in a hospital in another town, but when it came down to him being present, she also had to be present. After a few weeks of this with her I finally said something to her (with permission from my husband) and let her know my thoughts and that it really didn't make sense. Her reply is that she "wasn't going to leave their daughter in a situation where the daughter was uncomfortable, and my opinion didn't matter, etc." My mind was blown, the child was not uncomfortable, she had been seeing me and my kids almost regularly, more so than she had been seeing her dad due to her mom's decisions, keep in mind I had offered to drive the child to the distant hospital with me and my kids, had offered her gas money so she could drive her up herself, etc. 

From there everything spiraled. He focused on his therapies and when he was released a few weeks later, he contacted the mother to start seeing the child again, to which she replied, that she would not be dealing with me and he would have to visit at her house. He eventually reverted back to the past situation and stopped contacting altogether. I tried to be understanding, although I did tell him he needed to stand up to her and fight for his daughter to be able to visit, and at this point my children were now emotionally involved as far as bonding with his child. However, his life, our lives had changed drastically, and we were trying to adjust to this new life. Every now and then we would fight about him not trying to see his daughter, and his response would be that he didn't want to drag his daughter through an emotional battle due to her mother's actions and unwillingness to co-parent. Eventually I dropped it, we married the following year. 

It has been almost four years since he has seen or spoken to his daughter. The child's mother allows his brother and mother to see her, we don't see her, but my husband also doesn't make any calls to try to see her. Last night we had a huge fight, and he started throwing in my face that I need to do more to enforce the child support/childcare order I have with my kids' father. He knew child support payments were hit and miss with my ex before we married, not to mention in October 2017 I sued my ex for his portion of unpaid childcare for the two years before I won the judgement, waited the 30 days to file to have it enforced, filed the writ of execution to have his bank accounts frozen (personal and business), the writ came back with no resolution because there was $3 in his account and the judgement is for almost $4000. 

I have also contacted my ex monthly in regards to paying the judgment, and helping with the current childcare costs that are accruing, not to mention the child support payments themselves. Back to last night's fight, my husband told me I needed to do more, to which I replied, what else can I do??!! I have gone through the courts, got a judgement, tried to have it enforced through the courts and that failed (all on my own, no lawyer), I have asked my ex to pay outright, etc. So what more can I do? I then told him he had no room to talk where exes concerned considering he layed down like a dog and let his ex walk all over him and their court ordered visitation with his child. He then stated that he is tired of covering the cost of my kids because my ex won't help, and that he is going without money that he could be putting towards a lawyer to see his child. 

Okay, valid point, BUT, why tell me he didn't want to fight to see her and wanted to wait until the child was old enough to make her own decision without having to deal with her mom all those times we fought about it in the past. And then NOW all of a sudden the reason he doesn't see his daughter is money. Am I absolutely insane, or is he just trying to deflect the blame from himself? Mind you, he is on a fixed disability income of $1200 a month and he attends classes part-time towards a degree so he can eventually be off disability as we are in our very early 30s. I work full-time, go to school full-time, help him with all that I can, but yet I am always at fault for his misery in life. 

Please help...am I just being a b****, am I crazy? The last four years he has been saying it's too emotionally harmful to the child and him to keep fighting back and forth with her mom, but then last night it's now mine and my kids' fault because of the money. In all honesty, even if my kids and I were not in the picture, he would still not be able to afford a lawyer on his little income.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Tex X said:


> If that is your real name and email address - I would change your username to something else ASAP.


Yes, noticed that too! If that is a legit email address, change that so no one could tie that to your real identity. 

I really don't even know where to begin on this mess. It really sounds like you are doing everything in your power to get the support from your ex, for sure, so don't feel bad about that. 

I can't imagine the amount of resentment that your husband has from the child situation alone but multiply that by 10x with the accident. He is in the wrong for calling you out on that and he had it coming to get hit back with what's going on with this situation but I wouldn't take that any further, let that be. Maybe ask him what he really wants to do in a normal/calm conversation about his daughter and if the plan is reasonable, you will back him up but you need his support for your time, effort and work you are putting into everything on your end.

Sounds like he could benefit from emotional therapy as well as the physical therapy.


----------



## morethanconfused (Apr 24, 2018)

How can I change the username? I didn't pay attention when setting up the account and didn't realize my email would be listed as the username!


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I agree that your husband has not handled this well, but that is how he was when you married him, so you need to either learn to live with the way he is or be miserable. Your husband has turned this back around on you not because he believes you can do anything about the child support, but because you won't let up and he's deflecting and blame shifting to get you to shut up.

It's not a healthy way of dealing with it. You two should be working together in unity. You should have a plan to work together and be supporting each other in working through this rather than pressuring each other and trying to force the other person to do what you think he should.

Take a new perspective. Stop fighting with your husband and support him in his studies. Build him as a man with your words and actions. Love and respect him. If you continue to tear him down you will also be tearing down your marriage.


----------



## morethanconfused (Apr 24, 2018)

I will say that I am very supportive of his studies, I thank him everyday for him being present for myself and my three children. I try to do little things to show I appreciate him such as buying him a card or something here and there and leaving it at home for him to see. IN regards to supporting the situation with his daughter, I've done all I can, only to be told that he doesn't want to fight his daughter's mom, so I backed off, until last night when HE threw his not seeing his daughter in my face due to lack of funds. So I'm just not sure how much I am supposed to continuously give and be supportive, only to be blamed as a result.


----------



## morethanconfused (Apr 24, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Yes, noticed that too! If that is a legit email address, change that so no one could tie that to your real identity.
> 
> I really don't even know where to begin on this mess. It really sounds like you are doing everything in your power to get the support from your ex, for sure, so don't feel bad about that.
> 
> ...


How can I change my username?


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

See if you can delete this thread and ask a mod to change the user name for you.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> I agree that your husband has not handled this well, but that is how he was when you married him, so you need to either learn to live with the way he is or be miserable. Your husband has turned this back around on you not because he believes you can do anything about the child support, but because you won't let up and he's deflecting and blame shifting to get you to shut up.
> 
> It's not a healthy way of dealing with it. You two should be working together in unity. You should have a plan to work together and be supporting each other in working through this rather than pressuring each other and trying to force the other person to do what you think he should.
> 
> Take a new perspective. Stop fighting with your husband and support him in his studies. Build him as a man with your words and actions. Love and respect him. If you continue to tear him down you will also be tearing down your marriage.


This is very good advice. You need to listen. 

There are a couple of things you need to be aware of. 

1) With an accident like this, he is going to be depressed. That is just a fact. It affects you mind when something that traumatic happens to anyone. 

2) Right now, he does not feel like a man. Whether of not he can still have sex or not, he does not fell like a man because he cannot walk. That is devastating. 

3) His Ex is completely crazy. I suspect that there was infidelity involved in their marriage, by her most likely. And she is sadistic to boot because she likes to torture your husband. So he is further emasculated. 

Your issues are Valid, there is no doubt, but you are going to have to lighten up. And listen, if you think you may not be able to do this, then you need to get out now. It would be much kinder to do it sooner rather than later. 

See if you two can work together as a team, if you can soften how you and he are talking. And look, part of his rehab needs to be some type of meds for the depression.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I changed your user name. You did not say what you wanted your name to be, so I made one up for you. If you want a different name, PM me with the different name.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What you have failed to hone in on is the fact that the mother isn't comfortable with your husband seeing the child by himself. Your husband wasn't interested in seeing the child until you stuck your nose in. Just maybe there was something that happened that caused the mother to be wary and overly-protective of her female child.

eta: Why is this in the considering divorce or separation section? Are you?


----------



## morethanconfused (Apr 24, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> This is very good advice. You need to listen.
> 
> There are a couple of things you need to be aware of.
> 
> ...


I am well aware of any depression he did or has been suffering. The accident was almost four years ago and he has been home for over three years. He's been on the medication for depression and was cleared to not take it anymore over two years ago. Our sex life is very much alive and well. I understand he may not feel like a man, and we talk about it, as well as attended counseling for almost a year. He's very independent, dresses himself, he's able to maintain his own hygiene, etc. 

The fact of me not being able to do this, that's never been a question. Although we weren't married when he had the accident, we did marry after the accident. I had fears way back when he was still in the hospital about not being able to handle the situation, but I got help from nurses, therapists, friends, and very few family members. I have been doing it for over three years now. I can be as supportive as I possibly can, and as compassionate as I possibly can, I do all that I can, literally, almost to the point that my own personal self is often on the back burner. BUT, to be attacked and blamed for certain issues with his daughter, issues that he was dealing with long before I ever even came along, that's what I question. SO when I am being attacked and blamed, what you are saying is I need to lighten up and just allow it?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

morethanconfused said:


> I am well aware of any depression he did or has been suffering. The accident was almost four years ago and he has been home for over three years. He's been on the medication for depression and was cleared to not take it anymore over two years ago. Our sex life is very much alive and well. I understand he may not feel like a man, and we talk about it, as well as attended counseling for almost a year. He's very independent, dresses himself, he's able to maintain his own hygiene, etc.
> 
> The fact of me not being able to do this, that's never been a question. Although we weren't married when he had the accident, we did marry after the accident. I had fears way back when he was still in the hospital about not being able to handle the situation, but I got help from nurses, therapists, friends, and very few family members. I have been doing it for over three years now. I can be as supportive as I possibly can, and as compassionate as I possibly can, I do all that I can, literally, almost to the point that my own personal self is often on the back burner. BUT, to be attacked and blamed for certain issues with his daughter, issues that he was dealing with long before I ever even came along, that's what I question. SO when I am being attacked and blamed, what you are saying is I need to lighten up and just allow it?


No, you don’t need to just allow it. Never allow anyone to treat you like that. 

His physical handicap is unfortunate, but it does not give him license to be abusive.

What you do need to do is to stop talking to him about his daughter. He allowed his ex to call the shots before you even met him. Even if he gripes about it, it’s comfortable with having her do this. It absolves him from responsibility. So, let him handle it on his own. If he wants to just not see his daughter, that’s up to him.

He complains about supporting your children. It sounds to me like you are supporting your children. Your ex is a deadbeat dad. I’m not sure why the courts will not do anything to collect the child support but if they won’t you are stuck. It’s not like you can just not support your kids.

Apparently, he wants you to come up with the money to go to court to get more time with his daughter. This is not your fight. You are a legal stranger. He must come up with the funds for that. Maybe once he’s finished his education and get another job that earns enough to do this he can.

My bet is that he attacked you verbally to get you to just stop talking about his daughter. So stop talking about her. She’s not really your concern. Yes, I know you care for her. But this is the problem with step children. Been there, done that. It can really suck.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> No, you don’t need to just allow it. Never allow anyone to treat you like that.
> 
> His physical handicap is unfortunate, but it does not give him license to be abusive.
> 
> ...


Super good advice her from @EleGirl. You guys may need to work on communication as well. 

But his daughter is not your issue. Your issue is that you need your ex to pay up and take care of his kids. 

The other thing about depression is that after a trauma like this, and really just in life in general, it can come and go. For people that get depressed sometimes, and the are not "clinically depressed/chronically depressed, sometime they have to get back on the meds from time to time. 

So that is just something to think about. 

But working on communication and staying in your lane, i.e. dealing with your stuff and letting him deal with his, may solve some of these issues. 

But yes with step children, or children of Ex GF or whatnot, that aspect really sucks. 

I have been through that with GF's that did not work out, esp one that had a 2 YO boy. Wow, I loved that kid like my own, he played with me grandson, and when we broke up, poof, that was gone. 

I know kind of what that feels like, and it sucks...


----------



## morethanconfused (Apr 24, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> No, you don’t need to just allow it. Never allow anyone to treat you like that.
> 
> His physical handicap is unfortunate, but it does not give him license to be abusive.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. Unfortunately, with my ex, he is self employed so the courts have a harder time collecting as far as garnishing or anything like that. I am used to the uncertainty with finances where my ex is concerned and my husband knew this was a factor long ago. I appreciate what you stated as far it not being my fight with my husband's legal issues and his daughter. He was battling her long before I came into the picture, so in my heart I know it's not my fault. 

I don't usually bring his daughter up. What sparked the conversation about his daughter was the fact that his dad went to a sporting event and saw the daughter, because my husband's brother coaches a team and his daughter's other grandfather is an assistant coach. SO my husband's dad snapped some photos of her and texted them to my husband. When my husband mentioned his dad sent the pictures I didn't really say anything because I know it hurts him. And then later that evening is when he started attacking me. So I know it really all just boils down to the fact that he was emotional about the pictures from earlier in the day, but I also realize that it does not give him a right to take his anger out on me.

I absolutely agree that when he has finished his degree and is able to get a decent paying job, he will then be in a better position to take the issue to court. I did tell him that the night we were spatting. I told him it would look really good for him to have a job, and show absolute independence, so that way she is not able to say that the child would not be safe in his care. My three are with him everyday for an hour or so after school and I have never questioned their safety. 

I think I just need to start working on walking away when he wants to blame me for things I have no control over.


----------



## morethanconfused (Apr 24, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Super good advice her from @EleGirl. You guys may need to work on communication as well.
> 
> But his daughter is not your issue. Your issue is that you need your ex to pay up and take care of his kids.
> 
> ...


It really is a crappy thing when it happens. Not to mention my three children had grown close to her, and then BAM, she's not able to come around anymore. So for awhile they were also having a hard time with it. I do agree that he needs to take on the responsibility of dealing with his own stuff.


----------



## morethanconfused (Apr 24, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> What you have failed to hone in on is the fact that the mother isn't comfortable with your husband seeing the child by himself. Your husband wasn't interested in seeing the child until you stuck your nose in. Just maybe there was something that happened that caused the mother to be wary and overly-protective of her female child.
> 
> eta: Why is this in the considering divorce or separation section? Are you?


Well being a mother of three children, two who are older than the one he shares with his ex, I have never questioned the safety of my children, and they've never said anything or exhibited any behaviors that would cause me to be alarmed. Just recently, my oldest asked him if it was okay if she called him dad. He's an excellent father figure to them. He is with them everyday after school and helps all of them with their homework, he tucks them in at night, accompanies them to father/child events if they request, and if they request their biological dad he supports their decision. 

Here's a little extra information to help understand how she operates. When her and I first made contact, because I stuck my nose in, only to tell her that hey, I know he is paying his child support, and I know there is a visitation order, and I want you to know that I would love to meet you to ease any doubts you might have, and your child will be welcomed in my home. She was open to meeting, and even expressed how she was excited that I had three kids because she knew her daughter would be happy about that. She then proceeded to tell me that she wondered if I knew who she was when I would go into her work. Odd, of course I didn't know who she was, so how did she know who I was, let alone what I looked like?! Creepy much? She knew where I lived and she knew where I worked. I tried to put the fact that she basically had stalked me out aside. I met her, she wanted me to meet the daughter right away, I told her I thought it would be better if my husband came by himself the first couple of times and everyone agreed. After that my kids and I started coming along. 

After that she became very controlling over the situation, which is fine, it's her daughter. But her behavior continued to be just odd. At one point a friend of mine went into her work (convenience store) and had bought a couple beverages. She messaged me and said " I hope one of those drinks your best friend bought is for you!". It was almost as if she was trying to make it known to me that she knew what was going on in my life. During the visits we would talk and she learned I was attending classes for a certain degree. When my husband had his accident who do you think went and registered for classes for the same exact degree? Yep, she did. And then while he was in the hospital, and I was making efforts to maintain the visits with his daughter, because she was developing a relationship with me and my kids as I stated in my original post, his ex would ask me questions and I always kept my answers vague, because certain things were really just not her business. She constantly tried to compare the relationship my husband and I had/have to the one she had with him. 

So while you might attribute it to something along the lines that she was uncomfortable with the daughter being alone with him, I could write a 100 pages on how in reality, it all boils down to the fact that she is miserable and jealous. I think she required to be present when he is there(even thought that's not what the court order states) because she has/had hopes that they might rekindle and work on their family so to speak. Their relationship lasted 4 months, she needs to move on and get over herself and do what's best for her child.


----------

