# Is my new wife a gold digger?



## adamhum

I dated my wife for almost three years. She's lived with her mom her whole life and she's 36. This is my 2nd marriage. The first one failed due to financial issues. We lost a bunch of rental properties during the housing bubble..and the foreclosure pressure was just too much to bare.

So this time I wanted to iron this stuff out before we got married. I asked her what the arrangement would be and told her how I thought it should be.

So i didn't really get any feedback...I married her anyways...So we're married and i'm feeling generous, i wanted her to have extra money because she was pretty strapped before. I knew she intended to help her mom with her mortgage of 700.00/m..

So i tell her, "guess what, i'm not going to require you to pay any rent, utilities, or groceries that way you can have extra money to enjoy life".

I also pay for meals and entertainment.

So apparently this was not what she expected. Since she intended to continue paying her moms mortgage after she left, she still wouldn't have any money left over. I did not know this at all..I figured she would be helping her, i didn't know she planned to keep paying the whole thing. Her mom works and is not poor.

Her reasoning is that her mom didn't want to buy a house, she made an agreement ten years ago that if they bought a house, she would pay the mortgage.

I make three times more than she does, I have two teenage daughters and paid alimony for two years. So I have my own bills to pay and some of them i'm behind on.

So...it really hurts me that she does not see the situation as a great deal for her, free rent, utilities, groceries, meals, and entertainment. I feel that she is some sort of gold digger because that's not enough...She says that it's going to be our house someday because she's an only child..

I feel a lot of pressure about this situation. I have this wife who is not very happy due to the financial situation...but there's nothing more i can do for her at this time. I try to talk to her and she gets proud and says "i don't want your f'n money" but clearly she does..

I also mentioned that her mom could rent out her house and get a cheaper place. She says her mom doesn't want to do that.

Just recently my company sent me to san fran and i offered to bring her if she could pay half the 400 plane ticket. She said she didn't have the money. I said she could pay me later. She said "that's ok, save your money"..but then she was clearly no happy she didn't end up going...


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## PBear

How long have you been married? And why did you continue down the garden path without getting an agreement of some kind? Why does she only make $700 per month? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adamhum

PBear said:


> How long have you been married? And why did you continue down the garden path without getting an agreement of some kind? Why does she only make $700 per month?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wanted to take a leap of faith because i love her.I figured she didn't want to answer my offer because was insulted, like i was trying to find a reason to get out of the marriage.

She makes 14 or 15.oo an hour.


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## adamhum

We've only been married since June..


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## accept1

As I understand it you want your wife to stop paying her mothers mortgage which she had agreed to do before you came on the scene. Why should you expect such a thing for someone to go back on her word. Just because you claim you never knew this in advance. 

Just because her mother does not need the money is not an excuse to go back on your word. The logic is that one day it will belong to her. I wonder what her mother does with the money she earns and could not pay at least some of it herself. 

That she should rent out part of it may sound to you having been in that business sound business sense but nobody likes to live with others if they can help it.

She didnt marry of her daughter to make things harder for her.


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## PBear

adamhum said:


> I wanted to take a leap of faith because i love her.I figured she didn't want to answer my offer because was insulted, like i was trying to find a reason to get out of the marriage.
> 
> She makes 14 or 15.oo an hour.


$14 x 8 hours x 20 days = 2240 per month...

I agree with the other poster to a degree, though. If she had an agreement with her mom before getting married, it's not really fair to renege on that now. But... She should have made that clear to you as well. 

Personally, so many of these stories about people living with their parents at an advanced age never seem to turn out well. The child often seems to have a totally unrealistic view of how "grown-up" finances work. 

Have you thought of the two of you attending financial counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adamhum

accept1 said:


> As I understand it you want your wife to stop paying her mothers mortgage which she had agreed to do before you came on the scene. Why should you expect such a thing for someone to go back on her word. Just because you claim you never knew this in advance.
> 
> Just because her mother does not need the money is not an excuse to go back on your word. The logic is that one day it will belong to her. I wonder what her mother does with the money she earns and could not pay at least some of it herself.
> 
> That she should rent out part of it may sound to you having been in that business sound business sense but nobody likes to live with others if they can help it.
> 
> She didnt marry of her daughter to make things harder for her.


So is there a solution to the problem, should i be doing more than i already am? 

Should she be resenting me for the situation? 

Should her mom expect her daughter to pay for a place she doesn't live at? 

Would her mom be getting free rent if they never bought that house?


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## adamhum

I don't mind if she pays her moms bills. i just hate being resented when i'm am doing so much for her financially. I feel like giving her a pint of blood and saying "are we good now?"


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## chillymorn

to answer your question.......yes!


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## Cosmos

I really don't know what to make of this, OP, because I can't imagine why your W's mother expects her to pay her mortgage when she's clearly in a position, financially, to do this herself. 

I understand that the house will become your W's one day, but in the meanwhile your MIL (an able bodied, employed adult who isn't struggling financially) gets to live rent free and you're effectively helping to subsidize this arrangement...

I don't know about your W being a gold digger, but your MIL sounds entitlement minded to me. Whatever arrangement your W had with your MIL should have been re-negotiated before she got married, IMO.


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## PBear

I'm a bit confused about your wife's past financial status? Who was her sugar daddy before you?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adamhum

Cosmos said:


> I really don't know what to make of this, OP, because I can't imagine why your W's mother expects her to pay her mortgage when she's clearly in a position, financially, to do this herself.
> 
> I understand that the house will become your W's one day, but in the meanwhile your MIL (an able bodied, employed adult who isn't struggling financially) gets to live rent free and you're effectively helping to subsidize this arrangement...
> 
> I don't know about your W being a gold digger, but your MIL sounds entitlement minded to me. Whatever arrangement your W had with your MIL should have been re-negotiated when she got married, IMO.


That's another thing, i don't think her mom expects the money, it's my wife who feels obligated to pay. I offer suggestions and she just shuts down..IMO her mom lived the sweet life for 8 years..was paying off her cars twice as fast, shopping at dillards every other day. I think there are also cultural issues...this probably isn't a problem in the mexican culture. She grew up there. It's a mess...


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## Cosmos

adamhum said:


> That's another thing, i don't think her mom expects the money, it's my wife who feels obligated to pay. I offer suggestions and she just shuts down..IMO her mom lived the sweet life for 8 years..was paying off her cars twice as fast, shopping at dillards every other day. I think there are also cultural issues...this probably isn't a problem in the mexican culture. She grew up there. It's a mess...


Ahh... so your W is Mexican and you're not? This being the case, I'm afraid that somehow the cultural differences are going to have to be bridged here, otherwise your resentment is going to (quite rightly, IMO) increase. Your W needs to be made aware that an arrangement like this isn't the norm in most western cultures and some sort of compromise is going to have to be reached in order for your marriage to work.


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## MagnificentEddy

I hate to say it, but I think you've married a gold-digger who is also a gold-diggers daughter. Who owns the house? You say they bought it together but your W pays the mortgage, but whose name is on the deeds? Is it solely your W, or does you MIL own half (or any part) of it. It's one thing if the house forms part of your collective married assets, but quite another if half of it is willed away to someone else.

It does seem unreasonable that the MIL makes no mortgage contribution if she is still living there.

I wonder if you shouldn't quietly look at some asset protection measures so you don't end up in a situation where a divorce is started and your W wants your house because the one she is paying the mortgage on is 'her mothers'.

Something about it doesn't 'smell' right.


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## adamhum

MagnificentEddy said:


> I hate to say it, but I think you've married a gold-digger who is also a gold-diggers daughter. Who owns the house? You say they bought it together but your W pays the mortgage, but whose name is on the deeds? Is it solely your W, or does you MIL own half (or any part) of it. It's one thing if the house forms part of your collective married assets, but quite another if half of it is willed away to someone else.
> 
> It does seem unreasonable that the MIL makes no mortgage contribution if she is still living there.
> 
> I wonder if you shouldn't quietly look at some asset protection measures so you don't end up in a situation where a divorce is started and your W wants your house because the one she is paying the mortgage on is 'her mothers'.
> 
> Something about it doesn't 'smell' right.


Yah sometimes I suspect that the two are conspiring against me. I think maybe she's pissed all the time because i'm not cooperating...I don't currently have many assets..but i did get a prenup to protect my future earnings. 

I love this women....but yah...it doesn't smell right...


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## Cosmos

adamhum said:


> Yah sometimes I suspect that the two are conspiring against me. I think maybe she's pissed all the time because i'm not cooperating...I don't currently have many assets..but i did get a prenup to protect my future earnings.
> 
> I love this women....but yah...it doesn't smell right...


I should imagine your MIL's house will be bequeathed to your W, rather than both of you. Under the current arrangement, your W is building up a sizable asset at your expense - because presumably that prenup works both ways, and your MIL's house wouldn't form part of a joint estate...


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## adamhum

i'm also paranoid because my ex really worked me over..


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## adamhum

Cosmos said:


> I should imagine your MIL's house will be bequeathed to your W, rather than both of you. Under the current arrangement, your W is building up a sizable asset at your expense - because presumably that prenup works both ways, and your MIL's house wouldn't form part of a joint estate...


She would say "we'll be together forever, so that's a null point"..

I'm thinking "what if we're not?"

bottom line is that i'm not going to pay for her mom...i like her mom, but she's never done anything for me other than the occasional quesadilla. 

I'm just going to do what I think is fair...more fair on her side..i've been called a few things in my day...never stupid though...haha


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## MagnificentEddy

The situation puts me in mind of the movie "The Shawshank Redemption"? There's a line in it where the the central character - a prison inmate called Duprey - asks a prison guard "Do you trust your wife?".

I'm afraid you need to ask yourself the same question.


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## treyvion

adamhum said:


> i'm also paranoid because my ex really worked me over..


How bad, till your nerves where completely fried, your looking all paranoid, and probably shivering due to being stripped to the core?


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## treyvion

Cosmos said:


> I should imagine your MIL's house will be bequeathed to your W, rather than both of you. Under the current arrangement, your W is building up a sizable asset at your expense - because presumably that prenup works both ways, and your MIL's house wouldn't form part of a joint estate...


What does he look like to them?


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## treyvion

Have her take the test, ok cupid has a "Gold digger test" : 

******* | Take The Are you a Gold Digger Test


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## Starstarfish

> $14 x 8 hours x 20 days = 2240 per month...


That assumes no taxes are being paid, and we all know that isn't true.


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## Unique Username

I don't understand the problem.

She works and her money pays for her Mother's mortgage (she should be on the deed/title not just her Mother) If she can't afford the mortgage for it then she shouldn't be paying it.
If mom doesn't like the house and is unwilling to pay rent (half the mortgage) then sell the damned thing. OR put it in both you and your wife's name and pay the mortgage.

If everything else is happy.....

You agreed to pay everything else. Where is the problem?


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## SScaterpillar

I'm quite curious as to why you see yourself as giving her a pretty sweet deal. Can you explain that a bit more? 

I'm going to be blunt, so I apologize in advance if anything comes across as hurtful. However, when it comes to marriage, I think that's absolutely necessary.

You do realize that you are in a partnership, correct? You aren't her keeper nor are you her father. You are not "giving her a pretty sweet deal". You are her husband. Your income is hers and her income is yours. Your home is "ours" not "mine" or "hers". I absolutely feel that this mentality is why so many marriages end after financial struggles. A marriage should never, ever have the words "mine" and "yours". You're a team and you share your lives, so you share everything else. And no decisions should be made without everyone's input.

She doesn't sound greedy or like a "gold digger" to me at all. I haven't heard one description that makes me feel this way, so I have a difficult time understanding why you see it that way. She made an agreement with her mother before you came around. She doesn't want to reneg on it. That, in my opinion, should be something with you find as a positive quality in her. If you didn't have the money, as a couple, to cover that expense, she could speak with her mother about making an adjustment to the agreement. In the end, the marriage comes first. 

If, however, you are not struggling financially, then I don't see the problem. You should really stop seeing this relationship as one where you are the caregiver. If you're married, I would hope that you are both giving much to one another. When I say "giving" I don't mean "stuff". Giving is much more than that. My husband and I have had our financial woes and struggles. We still aren't in a place where we are doing well, but we're doing far better than we have before.

When we first got together, I made more than he did. We worked at the same place (it's where we met), but I had been given raises and received regular bonuses for being the top performer at the company. We shared a bank account after only a few months of sharing a lease, because it was just easier for us. I never gave him grief nor did I feel that he was "abusing" my money. Later, he started to make more than I after job changes. Later, we made the same. Then, I became pregnant and we decided together that I would stop working outside the home as soon as our son was born. I continued to work, but began working remotely. I know am in a very good job at a start-up company and have gone back to school for software engineering and programming. I have a very bright future ahead of me, but my husband's income absolutely eclipses my own. 

We never say "your money" or "my money". Sometimes we tease, like if I get some commission or bonus or he receives a nice tip. But, that's smaller amounts and we are always in agreement with the way the money is spent. 

With all of that said, I think you need to reassess the way you view your marriage. You honestly need to cease holding dollars over your wife's head. If you feel she's a gold digger, it's because you are attempting to make her one.


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## accept1

To the previous poster.
You are lucky you have an ideal marriage. Maybe you can expect it from everyone but life isnt like that. 
One cannot divorce just because one doesnt have a marriage like yours. Instead one has to make the best of it which this OP is trying to do.


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## Mavash.

How does your wife spend HER money besides the mortgage? I mean how was working before she got married vs how it's working now?


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## SScaterpillar

accept1 said:


> To the previous poster.
> You are lucky you have an ideal marriage. Maybe you can expect it from everyone but life isnt like that.
> One cannot divorce just because one doesnt have a marriage like yours. Instead one has to make the best of it which this OP is trying to do.


Who told him to divorce? The issue is the problem may be with the OP rather than the wife.


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## SScaterpillar

adamhum said:


> She would say "we'll be together forever, so that's a null point"..
> 
> I'm thinking "what if we're not?"
> 
> bottom line is that i'm not going to pay for her mom...i like her mom, but she's never done anything for me other than the occasional quesadilla.
> 
> I'm just going to do what I think is fair...more fair on her side..i've been called a few things in my day...never stupid though...haha


I'm sorry for being so blunt, but I hope you can reread what you've written here. Apparently she made a solid commitment to you. You, however, sound as though you see this (and any) marriage as temporary. 

Perhaps you should stop getting married until you're willing to make a lifelong commitment.


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## EleGirl

adamhum said:


> I wanted to take a leap of faith because i love her.I figured she didn't want to answer my offer because was insulted, like i was trying to find a reason to get out of the marriage.
> 
> She makes 14 or 15.oo an hour.


$14 an hour, full time is about $29,120.00 a year, or $2,426.67 monthly. Even after taxes, that's a lot more than $700 a month.

Why doesn't she have any $$ left over after she pays a $700 monthly mortgage?


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## EleGirl

Cosmos said:


> I should imagine your MIL's house will be bequeathed to your W, rather than both of you. Under the current arrangement, your W is building up a sizable asset at your expense - because presumably that prenup works both ways, and your MIL's house wouldn't form part of a joint estate...


Keep in mind that the OP says that he has a pre-nup to protect assets he accumulates in the future.. during the marriage. So he's also making sure that his wife gets nothing from him.

Sounds like two people who do not really trust each other.


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## Vega

Perhaps your wife is resentful. After all, she had to sign a pre-nup in order to marry you, YET, you're offering her all of this money (your "good deal). And she may feel very insulted. And controlled by you. 

After all, she signed a pre-nup. It means that she's not entitled to any of YOUR future earnings. Yet, you're being generous with "YOUR" money. It seems like there's no 'merging' of finances, and she may have expected that. 

You two need to talk about this IN DEPTH if you want to solve it. 

Vega


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## EleGirl

If she were a gold digger, she would not have married a guy who made her sign a prenup that makes it so that she gets nothing.

Nor would she have married a guy who had no, or few assets.

Does the prenup only protect your future earnings/assets? Or do they protect hers as well?


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## Vega

EleGirl said:


> If she were a gold digger, she would not have married a guy who made her sign a prenup that makes it so that she gets nothing.
> 
> Nor would she have married a guy who had no, or few assets.
> 
> Does the prenup only protect your future earnings/assets? Or *do they protect hers as well*?


BINGO!! 

Is this a "marriage" or is this a "business arrangement"? When it comes to love and marriage, the couple is supposed to protect each other; not ONLY or MOSTLY their own hides. That means if your spouse wants to do something that would be 'good' for YOU while CLEARLY wouldn't be fair to _her_, you don't "take the deal"! 

You may think you're being "more than fair", but are you really seeing your present and future from HER point of view?

Vega


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## Catherine602

If she were here, I would advise her to continue paying the mortgage and keep it in her mother's name. That is what is best for her financially. The marriage may not be as solid as the house and the relationship with her mother. 

You place high value on what you do for her. Sounds like you believe you are doing her some big service by marrying her. To see her mother benefit from her good fortune bothers you, no? 

Your wife and MIL may not see what you see. Your wife may value what she brings to the marriage and value her mother more highly than you appear to be doing presently. 

Your question is significant because it shows the depths of your distrust of your wife and the barriers to true intimacy. The food comment was ungenerous - that woman is your wife's mother. You don't like or respect her. How are you going to feel about her daughter in a few years.

You went into the marriage without learning about her culture or coming to terms with some major financial matters. If you want to stay married, you have to work that out now.


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## Vega

MissFroggie said:


> . You want to protect yourself from a potential gold-digger but what you have created is a situation where regardless of her intentions she HAS to look out for herself and her own future.


If you enter into a relationship with the attitude of "I must PROTECT *myself* at all costs", then you shouldn't BE in a relationship. 

Relationships are about looking out for *each others* best interests. If you're only looking out for your *own* interests, and putting your own happiness ahead of your partners, then why are you IN a relationship in the first place? 

Vega


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## DTO

EleGirl said:


> $14 an hour, full time is about $29,120.00 a year, or $2,426.67 monthly. Even after taxes, that's a lot more than $700 a month.
> 
> Why doesn't she have any $$ left over after she pays a $700 monthly mortgage?


My thoughts exactly. I see this situation as follows:

Let's say she earns $30k per year - $2,500 per month. That will get her $2k per month after taxes, or $1,300 after paying that mortgage. Note that this $1,300 is solely her pocket money; her husband does not ask for any household help.

Now, he makes 3x what she makes, or $90k. I'm guessing he brings home $5,500 a month. But since he pays all household and his personal expenses, he needs to cover:

* Mortgage or rent
* His transportation expenses (if not hers)
* Utilities
* Groceries and other consumables
* Health insurance
* Student loans, if any
* Obligations to his ex-wife

After all that is paid, he probably has much less than $1,300 per month to spend on whatever. As we've noted elsewhere, that is a really good income compared to what most people make, yet does not really buy that much. And, he likely works more than 40 hours per week if he makes $90k per year.

IMO, this looks like she is selfish and the OP is starting to resent her. He is disadvantaging himself (works longer hours yet has less disposable cash) so she can have a stream of disposable income and fulfill her family responsibilities as she sees them.

However, the OP's wife is demanding even more than this. Her behavior strongly suggests she wants XYZ and expects him to provide it - period. If she doesn't get it, it doesn't matter why. Her behaving in this manner probably means she values herself at a premium and believes he should sacrifice greatly for the privilege of having her around.

I really don't think she's disconnected from the financial reality of life, although it is a possibility. She does pay a mortgage and the other $300+ a week she has is going somewhere. I seriously think she feels she is "worth it".

The OP here needs to hold firm at his current contribution. If she continues to complain, he needs to make her cover the true cost of her living so she can better appreciate what he already is doing for her.


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## EleGirl

DTO said:


> My thoughts exactly. I see this situation as follows:
> 
> Let's say she earns $30k per year - $2,500 per month. That will get her $2k per month after taxes, or $1,300 after paying that mortgage. Note that this $1,300 is solely her pocket money; her husband does not ask for any household help.
> 
> Now, he makes 3x what she makes, or $90k. I'm guessing he brings home $5,500 a month. But since he pays all household and his personal expenses, he needs to cover:
> 
> * Mortgage or rent
> * His transportation expenses (if not hers)
> * Utilities
> * Groceries and other consumables
> * Health insurance
> * Student loans, if any
> * Obligations to his ex-wife
> 
> After all that is paid, he probably has much less than $1,300 per month to spend on whatever. As we've noted elsewhere, that is a really good income compared to what most people make, yet does not really buy that much. And, he likely works more than 40 hours per week if he makes $90k per year.
> 
> IMO, this looks like she is selfish and the OP is starting to resent her. He is disadvantaging himself (works longer hours yet has less disposable cash) so she can have a stream of disposable income and fulfill her family responsibilities as she sees them.
> 
> However, the OP's wife is demanding even more than this. Her behavior strongly suggests she wants XYZ and expects him to provide it - period. If she doesn't get it, it doesn't matter why. Her behaving in this manner probably means she values herself at a premium and believes he should sacrifice greatly for the privilege of having her around.
> 
> I really don't think she's disconnected from the financial reality of life, although it is a possibility. She does pay a mortgage and the other $300+ a week she has is going somewhere. I seriously think she feels she is "worth it".
> 
> The OP here needs to hold firm at his current contribution. If she continues to complain, he needs to make her cover the true cost of her living so she can better appreciate what he already is doing for her.


Unfortunately the OP has not come back and answered questions.

I agree with your analysis of the money situation but this does not jive with what the OP said.

He said that once she pays the $700 a month she has no money left. So something here is not making sense. 

With out a bit more detail, such as does she really only earn $700 a month? She might work part time.


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## DTO

EleGirl said:


> If she were a gold digger, she would not have married a guy who made her sign a prenup that makes it so that she gets nothing.
> 
> Nor would she have married a guy who had no, or few assets.


This is not necessarily true.

I don't know what your standard of "gold-digging" is, but I would define it as making a relationship decision with financial benefit as one of the main considerations. One does not have to target a millionaire to be a gold-digger.

I've seen this first hand with my ex-inlaws. They were (and as far as I know still are) truly poor. To them, people living in comfort are wealthy in comparison. And, making close to $100k seems like the answer to one's dreams.

I've known other folks who were of limited means (living in a shady apartment complex during college). Trust me when I say that the OP's income level is high enough to be a definite relationship incentive, esp. considering that the OP is relatively young and has many years of good earnings ahead of him.


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## DTO

EleGirl said:


> Unfortunately the OP has not come back and answered questions.
> 
> I agree with your analysis of the money situation but this does not jive with what the OP said.
> 
> He said that once she pays the $700 a month she has no money left. So something here is not making sense.
> 
> With out a bit more detail, such as does she really only earn $700 a month? She might work part time.


I see your point, but I just happened to read it differently. The OP says he supports his wife helping her mother. If she literally only made $700 per month, he would not have asked her to chip in on a vacation ticket.

I read this as she does her own personal spending, then spends what is left on the mortgage, after which she is broke. But, as you noted, there is some vagueness in what the OP posted.


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## DTO

MissFroggie said:


> There are some very good points on here about the pre-nup that I had not really considered before. You are considering what is yours is yours and hers is...oh, well you're not happy with that being hers - eeek! That's where the problems start. You want to protect yourself from a potential gold-digger but what you have created is a situation where regardless of her intentions she HAS to look out for herself and her own future. How does this pre-nup protect her? If you want out or cheat does it become void or does she just have to leave with nothing? I am not a gold-digger but I'd take some serious convincing to sign a pre-nup and it would have to benefit the marriage not the divorce. She obviously has reason to think she needs to protect her future and maybe that is the affect of this pre-nup and the fact you seem to think you are 'keeping' her. I can see why the 'debt' being totted up is an issue and why she feels need to have some sort of financial security without you. I'd probably feel insecure enough to do the same too. Talk to her about it and find some middle ground. She might be very worried about her future, which she shouldn't in a loving and trustful marriage. x


Disagree.

He is covering all the household and his personal expenses. I feel that is a good exchange for the pre-nup. She, having few if any expenses, could choose to sock away large chunks of cash into a retirement account.

It's ridiculous to assert that she is being cheated. As I noted above, she probably lives better than he does. Making this a true partnership and doing away with the pre-nup would mean she'd have to sacrifice and chip into the household. She'd probably be in the same position overall.


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## Cosmos

DTO said:


> Disagree.
> 
> He is covering all the household and his personal expenses. I feel that is a good exchange for the pre-nup. She, having few if any expenses, could choose to sock away large chunks of cash into a retirement account.
> 
> It's ridiculous to assert that she is being cheated. As I noted above, she probably lives better than he does. Making this a true partnership and doing away with the pre-nup would mean she'd have to sacrifice and chip into the household. She'd probably be in the same position overall.


Perhaps paying the mortgage on a house that she will one day inherit is just that?

However, I agree with others who have said that the info we have is a little too vague here. It would be interesting to know how the pre-nup is worded. For example, does it include/exclude the accumulation of marital assets?


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## DTO

Cosmos said:


> Perhaps paying the mortgage on a house that she will one day inherit is just that?


I suspect it is just that. Either she's legally on title now, or it will be bequeathed to her when her mother passes.


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## Cosmos

DTO said:


> I suspect it is just that. Either she's legally on title now, or it will be bequeathed to her when her mother passes.


:iagree: It's my guess her name is on the Title Deeds already, and that's why she feels obligated to pay the mortgage...


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## luvintokyo

To Adamhum,
Your previous experience has sensitized you to your present wife. I daresay also that you didnt take the time to study her culture and family attachments before you married. Its very important when you cross cultures to be aware of obligations of the different family members to each other. I had to take care of my mum and my sisters for a long time, she had a condo, I had to pay the mortgage still managing and paying it 3yrs after she passed (its rented now) and yes the house became mine after she passed. We "foreigners" have responsibilities towards our parents that could be considered burdensome by folks that dont understand it. The other part of the story is after your last marriage marrying someone close to your income bracket would have been easier I daresay to prevent issues like this as finances represent one of the main reasons relationships go South. She would have her own money. Wish you both all the best.


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## turnera

Why don't you pool your money into one account?


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## Dad&Hubby

SScaterpillar said:


> I'm quite curious as to why you see yourself as giving her a pretty sweet deal. Can you explain that a bit more?
> 
> I'm going to be blunt, so I apologize in advance if anything comes across as hurtful. However, when it comes to marriage, I think that's absolutely necessary.
> 
> You do realize that you are in a partnership, correct? You aren't her keeper nor are you her father. You are not "giving her a pretty sweet deal". You are her husband. Your income is hers and her income is yours. Your home is "ours" not "mine" or "hers". I absolutely feel that this mentality is why so many marriages end after financial struggles. A marriage should never, ever have the words "mine" and "yours". You're a team and you share your lives, so you share everything else. And no decisions should be made without everyone's input.
> 
> She doesn't sound greedy or like a "gold digger" to me at all. I haven't heard one description that makes me feel this way, so I have a difficult time understanding why you see it that way. She made an agreement with her mother before you came around. She doesn't want to reneg on it. That, in my opinion, should be something with you find as a positive quality in her. If you didn't have the money, as a couple, to cover that expense, she could speak with her mother about making an adjustment to the agreement. In the end, the marriage comes first.
> 
> If, however, you are not struggling financially, then I don't see the problem. You should really stop seeing this relationship as one where you are the caregiver. If you're married, I would hope that you are both giving much to one another. When I say "giving" I don't mean "stuff". Giving is much more than that. My husband and I have had our financial woes and struggles. We still aren't in a place where we are doing well, but we're doing far better than we have before.
> 
> When we first got together, I made more than he did. We worked at the same place (it's where we met), but I had been given raises and received regular bonuses for being the top performer at the company. We shared a bank account after only a few months of sharing a lease, because it was just easier for us. I never gave him grief nor did I feel that he was "abusing" my money. Later, he started to make more than I after job changes. Later, we made the same. Then, I became pregnant and we decided together that I would stop working outside the home as soon as our son was born. I continued to work, but began working remotely. I know am in a very good job at a start-up company and have gone back to school for software engineering and programming. I have a very bright future ahead of me, but my husband's income absolutely eclipses my own.
> 
> We never say "your money" or "my money". Sometimes we tease, like if I get some commission or bonus or he receives a nice tip. But, that's smaller amounts and we are always in agreement with the way the money is spent.
> 
> With all of that said, I think you need to reassess the way you view your marriage. You honestly need to cease holding dollars over your wife's head. If you feel she's a gold digger, it's because you are attempting to make her one.


I totally agree with this, but that's assuming both parties are contributing "properly". The OP's wife isn't. She shouldn't be paying the mother's mortgage while not having enough to contribute to the home. The wife hasn't fully accepted the "partner" mentality, I believe.


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## Dad&Hubby

EleGirl said:


> Keep in mind that the OP says that he has a pre-nup to protect assets he accumulates in the future.. during the marriage. So he's also making sure that his wife gets nothing from him.
> 
> Sounds like two people who do not really trust each other.


There's this too.

I really see a lot of baggage from both parties here. The OP with his divorce and the OP's wife with her living with Mom until 36. (sorry but that's going to create some lasting issues).


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## turnera

My friend didn't marry til 40; lived with her mom and dad. In fact, the new husband had to move in with the 3 of them, as she wouldn't move out. Now, 15 years later, her husband is in the hospital with cancer, and she won't come see him because her mom has been in the hospital a couple times (she's 90) and she can't leave her alone for even an hour. Her husband will be in the hospital for 6 weeks, total. Alone.


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## Dad&Hubby

turnera said:


> My friend didn't marry til 40; lived with her mom and dad. In fact, the new husband had to move in with the 3 of them, as she wouldn't move out. Now, 15 years later, her husband is in the hospital with cancer, and she won't come see him because her mom has been in the hospital a couple times (she's 90) and she can't leave her alone for even an hour. Her husband will be in the hospital for 6 weeks, total. Alone.


That's so sad. I'm not passing judgement on the OP's wife or your friend, but the reality is any woman who lives with her parent(s) that long is going to always be emotionally tied to them. She can take on a husband, they can have a fulfilling marriage for the most part, but the parents will always be first and the husband second.


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## rdl3

I feel that your wife does not appreciate all that you have done for her. She sounds like a teenager who isn't happy that her parents will only pay half the plane ticket for her flight to California. In marriage the money is supposed to be equal, however in your financial situation she should respect your requests and understand where you're coming from. Have you ever thought of sitting down with her and her mother to come up with a structured payment plan so this doesn't continue forever?


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## DTO

MissFroggie said:


> He has protected his marital income but expects her not to keep paying her mum's mortgage which she may be legally obligated to pay (if she is on the mortgage). He said she pays $700pm and that once she has paid that she doesn't have anything left. She is earning $14-$15 per hour which suggests she is working part time to earn only $700pm. He earns 3X her income - so about $2100pm. Nowhere near the $100K that has suddenly been thrown into the mix. That is going against the posts by the OP and speculating that he has been inaccurate when saying she has nothing left after paying the $700pm mortgage. He got a pre-nup protecting his FUTURE income. Does this include what he is making during the marriage or is it about income made following divorce? I don't think a gold-digger would sign a pre-nup. I know a lot of people who are not gold-diggers who also wouldn't because it would be seen as a sign of disrespect and lack of trust and commitment. I think it is looked at differently in the UK to the US though and is maybe more acceptable and usual in the US than here.


I threw out that near $100k figure on two assumptions. One, the OPs wife was working full time (which may or may not be true). Two, the OP says he pays all the bills and even covers meals and entertainment when they go out together. There is no way he could cover that on $2100 per month (he says he makes 3x what she does), which would be what he made assuming she makes just the $700.


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## DTO

turnera said:


> My friend didn't marry til 40; lived with her mom and dad. In fact, the new husband had to move in with the 3 of them, as she wouldn't move out. Now, 15 years later, her husband is in the hospital with cancer, and she won't come see him because her mom has been in the hospital a couple times (she's 90) and she can't leave her alone for even an hour. Her husband will be in the hospital for 6 weeks, total. Alone.


That's a terrible anecdote, that she can lavish attention on her parents even after discharge yet can't even visit her own husband once in six weeks.

And, it got me thinking about another possibility. What if, besides paying the mortgage, the OP's wife is paying other bills, funneling spending cash, or picking up the tab for her mother in other ways? If it's always "Mom, let me pick up lunch / buy you that outfit, etc." you can blow through a lot of cash quickly.


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## Wolfman1968

turnera said:


> My friend didn't marry til 40; lived with her mom and dad. In fact, the new husband had to move in with the 3 of them, as she wouldn't move out. Now, 15 years later, her husband is in the hospital with cancer, and she won't come see him because her mom has been in the hospital a couple times (she's 90) and she can't leave her alone for even an hour. Her husband will be in the hospital for 6 weeks, total. Alone.


 She's a piece of work.

Sounds like my ex-wife (i.e. first wife). She did a similar thing; would leave me alone for months while she went out of state to see her mother; even left me alone at Christmas, and didn't understand why I should object! Her mother had some testing for low blood platelets (which she had since the 1950s), so my ex rushed home to be with her for testing at Thanksgiving, leaving me alone. Meanwhile, the next summer I underwent cardiac testing for irregular heart rhythm, but she couldn't be bothered to leave Mommy's home where she had been visiting for weeks.


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## turnera

Well, to be fair, she's a nervous wreck, and very sad at not being able to go see him. But she's afraid of being away from her mom more than an hour (and it takes an hour just to get to the hospital), she's agoraphobic, and she hasn't driven a car across town in nearly 20 years.


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## John Lee

Somehow I feel like there's a much simpler matter here -- his wife did not tell him beforehand about a fairly large monthly financial obligation. Now, after they got married, she springs it on him. This in reality becomes his obligation too, whether directly or indirectly, as long as they're married. I think she should have told him about it, particularly since, as they went through all the trouble of a prenup, they must have discussed their finances at least somewhat. 

The fact is, if he's making most of the money and paying her living expenses, then he's really contributing to the mortgage payment too. Their finances became joint to some degree when they married even if they keep separate accounts. I think all this stuff about whether she fits a "golddigger" label is a waste of time and counterproductive. But I don't like the fact that she didn't tell him about this beforehand -- I think that was slightly deceptive. That doesn't mean she's in some giant conspiracy with her mom to take advantage of the guy, but I can understand him being upset about that.


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## DTO

turnera said:


> Well, to be fair, she's a nervous wreck, and very sad at not being able to go see him. But she's afraid of being away from her mom more than an hour (and it takes an hour just to get to the hospital), she's agoraphobic, and she hasn't driven a car across town in nearly 20 years.


Regardless, it's B.S. She managed to fight through her phobias or otherwise organize the resources to see her mom. She fails to do so for her husband. Moreover, her mom is home and so (presumably) is relatively stable, while her husband is in an intensive care ward somewhere enduring brutal treatments.

It will interesting to see what happens when he goes home and needs her to care for him. $5 says his wife will still choose her parents.


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## NextTimeAround

turnera said:


> My friend didn't marry til 40; lived with her mom and dad. In fact, the new husband had to move in with the 3 of them, as she wouldn't move out. Now, 15 years later, her husband is in the hospital with cancer, and she won't come see him because her mom has been in the hospital a couple times (she's 90) and she can't leave her alone for even an hour. Her husband will be in the hospital for 6 weeks, total. Alone.


I'm trying to understand what kind of man would be happy to date a woman who is 40 and still living with her parents.......

And then........ is happy to move in to the same house as his wife and her parents.

The wife and the in-laws probably viewed the husband as a wimp happy to feed off them and probably could not afford his own place.


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## treyvion

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm trying to understand what kind of man would be happy to date a woman who is 40 and still living with her parents.......
> 
> And then........ is happy to move in to the same house as his wife and her parents.
> 
> The wife and the in-laws probably viewed the husband as a wimp happy to feed off them and probably could not afford his own place.


It's some thugs who live like this. Not viewed as a physical wimp at all... Thought of as a prize and the woman is more than happy to let him lay up and not do much at all.


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## turnera

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm trying to understand what kind of man would be happy to date a woman who is 40 and still living with her parents.......
> 
> And then........ is happy to move in to the same house as his wife and her parents.
> 
> The wife and the in-laws probably viewed the husband as a wimp happy to feed off them and probably could not afford his own place.


A lot of us used to think that way about him. To be honest, he's a nice guy who really loves her AND her mom and he just...morphed into living life the way they do. I can't see a single bit of resentment in him when I visit him in the hospital; in fact, he's more concerned about his MIL and his wife.


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## turnera

treyvion said:


> It's some thugs who live like this. Not viewed as a physical wimp at all... Thought of as a prize and the woman is more than happy to let him lay up and not do much at all.


 He's actually a biker who does Civil War reenactment and works physical labor at a chemical plant. Nice guy. Actually, ALL bikers I've met have been really really nice guys.


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## frusdil

turnera said:


> My friend didn't marry til 40; lived with her mom and dad. In fact, the new husband had to move in with the 3 of them, as she wouldn't move out. Now, 15 years later, her husband is in the hospital with cancer, and she won't come see him because her mom has been in the hospital a couple times (she's 90) and she can't leave her alone for even an hour. Her husband will be in the hospital for 6 weeks, total. Alone.


That is so sad - in a pathetic way. I personally couldn't be attracted to a 40 year old who's living with their parents....

When you marry, your spouse should come first.

That poor man


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## frusdil

DTO said:


> Regardless, it's B.S. She managed to fight through her phobias or otherwise organize the resources to see her mom. She fails to do so for her husband. Moreover, her mom is home and so (presumably) is relatively stable, while her husband is in an intensive care ward somewhere enduring brutal treatments.
> 
> It will interesting to see what happens when he goes home and needs her to care for him. $5 says his wife will still choose her parents.


VERY well said. 100% agree.


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## jac70

DTO said:


> Regardless, it's B.S. She managed to fight through her phobias or otherwise organize the resources to see her mom. She fails to do so for her husband. Moreover, her mom is home and so (presumably) is relatively stable, while her husband is in an intensive care ward somewhere enduring brutal treatments.
> 
> It will interesting to see what happens when he goes home and needs her to care for him. $5 says his wife will still choose her parents.


:iagree


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## turnera

Her mom was in a hospital 3 minutes from her house. But I agree with the rest.


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## Bobby5000

"Just recently my company sent me to san fran and i offered to bring her if she could pay half the 400 plane ticket.' Who does this with their wife? Why wouldn't you say, we have a great trip to a nice city, I'd love you to come, get your mind off some of the issues and problems, have some loving, nice meals, and a great time. 

I see some problems with you typical of second marriages, where the emphasis is "making sure I am protected," I was too trusting of my first wife, etc. Because both parties come in with skepticism, it's no accident that there's a much higher rate of divorce. 

I would concentrate on the good things, compliment her, have some fun and at some opportune point, perhaps she can slightly reduce the amount paid to mom, to perhaps 500 a month. 6,000 a year is a fair amount of money but if it will keep her happy, it's not prohibitive.


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