# Selfish or Not



## Strawberry Shortcake (Dec 26, 2014)

I'm struggling with this and want to know if I'm being selfish. My husband's cousin has a 15 year old son. She lives in a bad part of town and you can clearly see that the child may be heading in the wrong direction in life.

The cousin asked my husband if her son could com and live with us to be in a better neighborhood and go to a better school. He told her his answer was yes but he had to talk to me. Really???

So now, I'm the bad guy. I don't think it's a good idea for her son to come and live with us because we have a 2 br apartment and we already have 2 children.

Not only that but come on, you knew hat your son was going to be starting high school and you have had plenty of time to make arrangements for you, yourself to move in a better area. (Especially since she is on housing and has practically free rent) 

She doesn't work so basically she would be as free as a bird while we raised her child.

The dilemma is that my husband was also a troubled youth and there were some people who took him under their wings and steered him in the right direction because h is father wasn't there.
So he feels the need to save his family youth.

I told him we needed to find another way to be there for him but living with us is not an option. 

By the way, we did this once before with his nephew and it ended terribly. No help at all from his sister and all responsibility fell on me because my husband has "things to do when he gets off" SMH

Am I wrong for not wanting him to come and live with us?
I get why my husband wants to do it but I just can't.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Can you help find her housing in another area? Have you looked into other ways to help get them out of the neighborhood they are in?


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## Strawberry Shortcake (Dec 26, 2014)

That's the thing, I feel like they need to do some things for themselves. You will never learn to be self sufficient if other people continue to do things like this for you. She has nothing to do all day. No job. I work and have two children and a husband to take care of. I probably could carve out some time to help her with that but when does it end? 

I think I'm just burned out on the neediness of his family. I just got a call today while I'm at work from another one of his cousins asking me to go to her job website and print out her check stubs for her so she can take them to the social security office.

Every stitch of furniture they have has been given to them. You know it has always been so easy for them to depend on people to do things for them. And when you don;t work hard for your things you never appreciate the value of hard work.

Please don't get me wrong, I really have a huge heart and don't mind helping people, but you have to help yourself. I just don't know any other way to tell my husband that he is delusional if he thinks that we are letting that child come to live with us.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I get that you're frustrated with her, but I don't think the son deserves to be "punished" for that. You would really be doing it for the child, not his mother. You want him to be in a better area, so he can avoid those you wouldn't want him associating with. You helping them find a place can also help get your husband get on board so that he doesn't come live with you.


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## Strawberry Shortcake (Dec 26, 2014)

This is where my guilt comes in. He doesn't deserve that. No child deserves that. I don't know. I just have to pray harder about this. Thanks for your response.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

I don't think you're wrong. You are thinking of the well-being of your own family, which is naturally your priority. I agree that this seems like a bad idea.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

soulpotato said:


> I don't think you're wrong. You are thinking of the well-being of your own family, which is naturally your priority. I agree that this seems like a bad idea.


Yes I agree with this but I think it is a HORRIBLE idea...

Why is your cousin not working? Handicap or something? She does not work- she is on housing... forgive my prejudice but she seems like a user... a user of the system, and now she is trying to use you.

Your husband definitely put you in a bad place. He should have had the sense to not even have to defer this in your direction. He should have been able to tell her straight off that she needs to take responsibility for her son.

Where would you put him in a two bedroom place? You barely have enough room as it is. But the logistics of this aren't the problem. The cousin is not a good role model, in my opinion, and the die might already be cast with him.

Just remember - good kids grow up in bad sections of town and make out well. That is because they have good role models. And other kids grow up in good sections of town and turn out bad because, again, they have bad role models.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm with Sparky Jim...there are other ways to influence a teen...he doesn't have to come & live with you... you do not have the room...to disrupt your own harmony for the sake of one where other options are available is only to hurt 2 families..while the mother is relieved of all responsibility (as in your last experience of helping...how it played out -surely your husband has learned from this).....NOT OK ....his mother needs to be a part of the plan... she has a role to play here also.

She has over stepped her boundaries on this one for even asking something like this of another...

Just your husband taking some TIME with him, doing things he enjoys...your family including him on some of your family trips ....can you tell us more about this 15 yr old..what he is INTO, the type of teens he is hanging with....how can his energies be directed for the good.. what are his natural talents, what he holds high interest in ?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Your husband was completely wrong to say yes before discussing it with you, and the cousin was completely wrong for asking!!

You do not have room for him, it is not your responsibility to raise him, and you will disrupt your own household trying to.

Offer to help the cousin find a realty company who specializes in rentals so she can move to a new school district.

And I would tell your husband to NEVER put you on-the-spot like that again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

This isn't even mentioning that if you rent, it might very well be against the terms of your lease to have 5 people in a two bedroom apartment. 

I know I live in a 2-bedroom and when my son turned 3 (when someone becomes an "occupant" for legal purposes) they were rather specific if not downright mean in making sure I understood that we cannot legally have another baby while living here or we would need leave when the baby turned 3. (My Grandmother lives with us.)

Do you really want a 15 year old boy (cousin or not) sleeping in the same room as your teenage daughters? Has your husband considered what your own children might think of this?

What's his expectation of how financially the mother will contribute while this child lives with you? What time is he going to devote to assisting with him, or like the nephew, is he planning on bringing him a "rescue" that will then be solely your responsibility. 

What's going to happen if and when he wants to go to college, and you have two teenagers of your own who might be looking to go? 

I mean, as much as this youth might learn a positive influence from you, how you handle the situation with his mother will also be a lesson. Will he learn that you can just turn your responsibilities over to someone else if you don't feel like dealing with them?


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## Strawberry Shortcake (Dec 26, 2014)

Thanks to everyone for your responses. I will use this as the foundation of the discussion that I have to have with my husband.

@happy as a clam, I agree he was totally wrong for giving her an answer before talking to me. Making me out to be the bad guy.

@SimplyAuro, The child is hanging out with older guys that are smoking marijuana and shooting dice on the corner. I know he likes football and basketball but he is not being led into the right direction.

It's really sad but she has nothing but time on her hands to make sure her son is growing up to be a productive, self sufficient adult but she is not. 

If I didn't have to work I would be an almost permanent fixture at my kids school.

It's like, you get all this government assistance and you have all of this free time but what are you doing with it?? Nothing. SAD

My husbands mother passed from a stroke, and now my husband feels like he has to be the glue to keep his family together.

Now he is dealing with high blood pressure and I can totally see why. Dealing with his family is so stressful, but I'm not about to let him or them drag me into that madness.

Thanks for the ears..


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I don't think you are being selfish, you have two kids of your own to think about. Your apartment doesn't sound large enough for him to come stay.

Sounds like him being there will take away from your kids.

Wasn't fair of your husband to make you the one that has to turn his cousin down.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Strawberry Shortcake said:


> I'm struggling with this and want to know if I'm being selfish. My husband's cousin has a 15 year old son. She lives in a bad part of town and you can clearly see that the child may be heading in the wrong direction in life.
> 
> The cousin asked my husband if her son could com and live with us to be in a better neighborhood and go to a better school. He told her his answer was yes but he had to talk to me. Really???
> 
> ...


I just think you're smarter than I was and probably less naive about the odds of changing the course of a 15 year old's life. I tried to with my younger siblings but a time or two but when they're already going in a bad direction and likely not respectful of authority, it's very difficult and puts a terrible strain on your own kids. Very risky. Maybe since your husband knows the other side of this, he actually could help. But it's just as likely that his history would make him fail miserably at it.

Good luck SS. I don't think you're being selfish. It's a risky thing. Hopefully someone can support the mother without just taking over completely like she seems to be looking for. If not then one day soon the legal system will but not in a good way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, given your H's reluctance to extend HIMself (being happy to let YOU raise his family members), the best solution is for your HUSBAND to volunteer to mentor his nephew at his nephew's own house. That way, when your H ditches his nephew, he and his family have no one to blame but your H. 

Of course, you yourself can do many things to help him as well. And I hope you do.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I've been in this exact situation, except it was my family, not DH's and the boy was younger by a couple of years. 15 is too late, I'm sorry, he is on his path and moving in with you and a man who can not firmly steer him straight won't change anything.

We decided against it because at the end of the day, our own children come first. We didn't have the space or the money, and we didn't have enough experience with troubled teenagers, and certainly didn't have firm enough hands to deal with him.

You aren't being selfish, I think you're being wise. You take on what you can deal with, but you pass on what you can't. 

If your DH doesn't like it, you have past experiences to bring back as a reason why it won't work. He will not be the father figure the child needs, and you can be honest and say you simply cannot/will not deal with it by yourself.


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## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

you are NOT being selfish.
I understand he wants to help, but a 2bd home with 2 children already? I see why it stresses you out. As a wife, i understand.
You do not have to look like the bad guy. Just tell him to tell his cousin that at this time its not possible because there is no room for her son to live comfortably in, he might feel out of place and in the end it might hurt him to feel he has no space. Teenagers need their personal space.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

No, you are not being selfish at all IMO. You have to think of your kids and kids are very impressionable. If they have a troubled teen living with them they could be influenced by that. It is difficult that you and your husband do not agree on this. Maybe talk to him about what can happen without having the child live with you?


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

Just, by chance, stumbled across this link: Out of the FOG - Entitlement

The advice under the heading "What TO do" (three-quarters of the way down the page) would seem relevant.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Yes you are being selfish. I think what people need to come to terms with, is sometimes being selfish is what is best for you and your family. Sometimes selfish is necessary. 

Years ago we took in my ex-wife ' s brother and his wife after he lost his job.

They did absolutely nothing for 3 months. Neither of them. I just couldn't get my head around it. This of course after they had burned their bridges with his wife's family.

I simply do not have it in me to want to help someone more than they want to help themselves.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Strawberry Shortcake said:


> That's the thing, I feel like they need to do some things for themselves. You will never learn to be self sufficient if other people continue to do things like this for you. She has nothing to do all day. No job. I work and have two children and a husband to take care of. I probably could carve out some time to help her with that but when does it end? .....


It sounds like you are having ot be the man in the relationship.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Your husband is currently not working, but you still pay for daycare, per your other thread. He doesn't help around the house, and finds constant excuses on how to avoid helping care for the baby.

Yeah, don't bring someone else into this mix you'll have to take care of. He has no interest in taking care of or having anything to do with his own kids, but wants to save the world too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Say what? Your H isn't working? Why isn't HE watching the kids then? Or else spending 4 or more hours a day sending out resumes?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Your husband is currently not working, but you still pay for daycare, per your other thread. He doesn't help around the house, and finds constant excuses on how to avoid helping care for the baby.
> 
> Yeah, don't bring someone else into this mix you'll have to take care of. He has no interest in taking care of or having anything to do with his own kids, but wants to save the world too.


Him passing the buck to SS to be the bad guy is consistent with his actions then. He likely knew they were not in shape to help but he gets to say 'if only SS were on board then we would help'. He can write checks (figuratively speaking) but SS is responsible for them. I'm not a fan of that mindset.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Hey, how about sending your husband to live with his cousin? She can clean up after him and he can continue to contribute nothing to the household and be a bad role model for her son. That'll teach her to ask other people to raise her child. Plus, she'll get to keep her welfare checks.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

They need to move to a better neighborhood. That is the solution.

Staying at your place babysitting isn't. One way to say no is the cost of the kids rent at your place - and food, clothes, schooling, tutors, and the car he'll want. She'll need to be paying for all that. All his expenses will add up to more than she can pay. Would be cheaper if she moved. 

You're right, she gets her "freedom" and you gain another mouth to feed.

Have him speak with her and say you both determined it would not work out. Your kids all in the same room.


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

If for some reason this woman cannot find housing in a better neighborhood, just take the kid in honestly. Do it for his future. I do alot of things for my nieces and nephews even though I completely disagree with their parents (i never get a thankyou and they are just plain lazy). But i do it for the kids. Give the kid an opportunity to start his life off right. Make a chore list. Set curfew. If they help you around the house, give them a night out with allowance money. I realize that maybe you have had a bad experience before but dont let one kid ruin it for the other. As for the mother of the child, karma is a *****. And at least you know in your heart you did everything you could for the child, and she did not.


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

Um, and your husband needs to get a job. end of story.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Difficult, I always felt a bit miffed when the air steward gave out instructions on emergency procedures, telling everyone to sort their own oxygen masks out before others. Selfish, I thought, but if you apply this in life then 99.9% of the time it works. Protecting yourself isn't always a slight on ones character, you need the blast of oxygen so as to help others. Blasted families though, I know what you mean. Smile and say nothing, they hate it. All the Best xxx


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

I think your husband put you in an akward position giving a response to his sister before talking to you obviously if he goes back and says no you will be the bad guy cause he already said yes. It's so unfair for you to be taking care of a 15 year old while you have 2 children to take care off in a 2 bedroom apartment. If the sister wants whats best for her son she should have planned prior instead of wanting someone else to take care of her responsibilities.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Tell your husband you'll consider it when he gets a job and you guys can afford a 3 or 4 bedroom place.


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## prettygirlpa (Dec 17, 2014)

I think you should worry about your family. That child is not your responsibility. Why should you take the kid in? Why should you help them find a better place to live in? Can she work? Or she just want to live of off the system? I don't think you should do it! Don't feel bad for saying NO! You have to worry about your own kids. No one helps me and my husband with our kids nor do we ask anyone to do anything for us...it's called being an adult. 

Best luck to you and bless your heart.


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