# Men- i need your advice kn a serious question



## HereToCollaboratewithOthe (Sep 2, 2013)

Gentlemen

Whoever finds this offensive please disregard

I am reaching out as I have made a pretty serious mistake in my marriage and need some advice from men only.

I have been with my wife and faithful fully for 7 years. However I screwed up and kissed a girl and told my wife about it, and also visited a strip club (2 separate things)

And now, she doesn't know how to trust me because I told her about this after the fact. The girl I kissed was pursuing me for 2 years, and so I did text with her for a few times

Now she wants nothing to do with me, there is no trust left or intimacy any more.

I admit I screwed up. She is saying she wants to try, but over the last month not looking good.

What do you suggest? Do I have a shot to regain her trust? Or am I done? 

Thanks gents


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## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

You need to demonstrate your commitment to your marriage. Cut off this other girl, never speak to her again. Stop going to strip clubs, stop hanging out with friends that like going to strip clubs, give your wife complete access to your phones and computers, etc.

You need to be an open book. You crossed the line, and you need to be sorry. If your not truly repentant for your actions, then she deserves better than you. If you're really sorry, good. If your just sorry cause your not getting sex any longer.. Then you don't deserve her. You need to decide how committed you are to this marriage.


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## HereToCollaboratewithOthe (Sep 2, 2013)

Thanks Dredd - appreciate your honesty


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## HereToCollaboratewithOthe (Sep 2, 2013)

What do the rest of you guys think?

I am committed to her, but given our relationship now, I could really use thoughts by others here - so as a man, what does this mean? 

As husband and wife, doesn't that mean something?

Would always appreciate your thoughts

thanks


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dredd said:


> You need to demonstrate your commitment to your marriage. Cut off this other girl, never speak to her again. Stop going to strip clubs, stop hanging out with friends that like going to strip clubs, give your wife complete access to your phones and computers, etc.
> 
> You need to be an open book. You crossed the line, and you need to be sorry. If your not truly repentant for your actions, then she deserves better than you. If you're really sorry, good. If your just sorry cause your not getting sex any longer.. Then you don't deserve her. You need to decide how committed you are to this marriage.


Good advice right here. Essentially, stop giving your wife reasons to doubt you. Also ask her if she'd like for the two of you to attend marriage counseling.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

In addition to what everyone else is saying ,
Everything takes time. You can't rush to rebuild trust, it is a step by step, brick upon brick process.

However during the time it takes , you can both decide to come honest with each other by talking about things you never have before.
Exploring some of the underlying reasons you broke her trust.
There might have been other issues , either with you , or with the relationship that need fixing, work on it.

Trust can be regained, and the road to rebuilding it is a long one. But the journey is not a boring one, if done properly.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yes this is going to be a long road back. Have you asked her specifically what you can do to re-establish trust? Give up all the passwords, check in phone calls, whatever it is she needs find out and give it to her. Over time it will get better if you can show her you are trustworthy


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Trust is a very fragile thing. You need to do what everyone above is telling you - but there is no way to "make" your wife trust you again unless SHE is willing to try.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I agree with the above posters that there's a lot you need to do. And it takes time. I cheated and it took 5 years to get back what I lost.

If it happened recently you've got a way to go. But I suggest you try marriage counseling now. Figure out what was missing for you to go to strip clubs and kiss someone else. Lay everything on the table and try to work it out.

If you get to a point where you feel like you will NEVER regain her trust, time to move on. You broke her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

HereToCollaboratewithOthe said:


> I have been with my wife and *faithful fully *for 7 years. However I screwed up and kissed a girl and told my wife about it


It's good that you're admitting you screwed up, but by kissing another woman, you have NOT been 'faithful fully'. If you're insisting to your wife that you HAVE remained faithful, then that's probably pissing her off. Every married woman I know would consider kissing someone else an act of infidelity.

This book might help you also

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

As for the strip clubs, if your wife has a problem with them, and you knew that before you went, then that's another thing you will have to ask forgiveness for and wait until she's able to give it. Many women (rightly or wrongly) also consider strip clubs unacceptable for their husbands.

You will need to work with her to establish mutual boundaries, and then prove to her over time that you're committed to maintaining them.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

As others have said, this will take time and you can't rush it. Your wife has to forgive you in her head and in her heart. It might take a long time for her to let it go and you have to be able to give her that time while backing off the topic and showing her the man you want to be for her. I will say that this process can't go on forever and at some point your wife will need to let go of the past and choose to be happy but that a ways off yet.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Putting the shoe on the other foot, what would you do if your wife kissed another guy?

For me, it would matter how the kiss was if my wife kissed another guy. Was it just a quick lip kiss, or actually a make out session?
Was it a one time thing? By the way, kudos to you for stepping forward and telling her voluntarily.

It wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me. But I would cut off intimacy for a while. I let her know that she's on probation as far as I'm concerned. It's indication of a broader problem.
I'd resort to just friends for a while and watch her for a long time.

The strip club thing is not nearly as bad. If my wife went to chippendales (does it even exist anymore?) with her gf's I wouldn't be that upset, in fact, I'd ask her "how was it? We're the guys *****en?"

That's just me.


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