# Marriage issue



## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I have been married to my wife for almost 25 years. We are very much in love now as we were when we first moved in together. She is everything to me, my love, my passion, my friend, my cheer. I can't image a day without her. I consider myself very lucky to have her in my life.

However I have few issues that bother me from time to time. One of them is that she never gives any gift for events that are considered shared by both of of us: anniversaries, valentine's days. We do celebrate all these events and it is almost always me who plans them. I always give her very expensive and lovely gifts, jewelry, designer clothes, shoes, bags. I always give her flowers and her favorite chocolate. She never, I mean NEVER gave me anything, not even a card for those events. I am not sure why. I never felt appropriate to complain to her about this. I always thought you cannot ask for a gift, they need to come from other partner's heart. She does give me gifts for my events (Father's day, birthday).

She also never publicly shows me. There is not a single picture of me on her FB page (though she herself has just few of her own pictures). Often she does not raise a toast for me (very common in our culture to toast spouses, children, etc.). I told her once it does hurt me. She was truly sorry but in few years this repeated again.

She never wrote me a love note or a card or even love text. I write her love note almost every day when I pack her lunch. She does respond lovely to my own text, but she never write one herself.

Honestly over the years it starts hurting me more and more. I don't know how to communicate this to her. I truly believe this kind of actions needs to come from her. She never asked me for any gift or anything I have been doing for her. I do this myself because I love her. I really don't want to get a note from her that I asked for.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

RD,

So are you feeling that she doesn't love you as much as you love her?

Does she show love, admiration or respect to others or even to strangers?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

TAMAT said:


> RD,
> 
> So are you feeling that she doesn't love you as much as you love her?
> 
> Does she show love, admiration or respect to others or even to strangers?


She does love me. she may come to my office several times a day and kiss me and tells me how much she loves me. She may roll over me in the morning and kiss me. She always greets me when I come home.

But she never gives me any gift for our shared celebrations and she often does not acknowledge me publicly.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

I don’t know too much about Love Languages, but it appears you two have different ones.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> I don’t know too much about Love Languages, but it appears you two have different ones.


Absolutely. Op your love language is gifts and words of affirmation, hers is probably physical touch and possibly quality time. So you are showing her love in the way that you yourself want to be shown it, but for her gifts and words of affirmation aren't so important. Get the book called the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman and read it together.
Neither of us has gifts/cards as our love language and we really don't bother about presents much.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It definitely sounds like you have different love languages, and you should both read the book listed above (there is an online quiz as well). 

But your other problem is that you refuse to talk to her about this. How is she supposed to know that it's a problem if you don't want to bring it up? Communication solves problems, silence doesn't.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Absolutely. Op your love language is gifts and words of affirmation, hers is probably physical touch and possibly quality time. So you are showing her love in the way that you yourself want to be shown it, but for her gifts and words of affirmation aren't so important. Get the book called the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman and read it together.
> Neither of us has gifts/cards as our love language and we really don't bother about presents much.


I wonder what her reaction would be if I once won't give her any gift for our shared event. Will she be upset or she won't even notice?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

bobert said:


> It definitely sounds like you have different love languages, and you should both read the book listed above (there is an online quiz as well).
> 
> But your other problem is that you refuse to talk to her about this. How is she supposed to know that it's a problem if you don't want to bring it up? Communication solves problems, silence doesn't.


I really don't know how to message this to her. Though it seems very obvious to me. How you cannot give a gift to the man you love for valentine's day? I do not want to ask for gifts really.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I wonder what her reaction would be if I once won't give her any gift for our shared event. Will she be upset or she won't even notice?


I like it...try it on her.

What can she say?
Seriously.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Stop with the gifts, continue with the kisses and hugging.

Many people do not like to show affection in public. 

She seems to enjoy it in private.

Do not beat yourself up over this difference in personalities.


_Lilith-_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

romantic_dreamer said:


> How you cannot give a gift to the man you love for valentine's day?


Valentine's Day is a manufactured holiday so florists and Hallmark can make more money. Your wife does show you that she loves you. She just doesn't do it on your terms.

After all these years, why wouldn't you just ask her why she doesn't give you anything on Valentine's Day or your anniversary?

You won't know the answer if you don't ask the question.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Valentine's Day is a manufactured holiday so florists and Hallmark can make more money. Your wife does show you that she loves you. She just doesn't do it on your terms.
> 
> After all these years, why wouldn't you just ask her why she doesn't give you anything on Valentine's Day or your anniversary?
> 
> You won't know the answer if you don't ask the question.


It is important holiday for us. We always celebrate it, I always give her some romantic gift. she is always grateful to me for this, so it is not that she does not care.

We are very passionate and affectionate people. We celebrate all important dates for us.

I just don't know how ask her and honestly I do not find it is right to ask for gifts. It seems obvious for me since I do give her gifts and she welcomes them. I would understand if neither of us gave any gift to each other.

My wife by some reason does not do certain things to me while she certainly knows I would appreciate them. it happens both in bedroom and outside. About some I hinted her or outright complained (I told he a while ago I was upset she did not cheer me when we had friends over to celebrate her birthday. A friend of ours actually raised a toast for me instead of my own wife). She apologized but I am not sure she won't do this again next year. I also told her it feels strange her FB page marriage status does not show she is married to me. She just said she does not want to publicized this. Honestly I feel hurt if my own wife finds she needs to hide the fact we are married.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Stop with the gifts, continue with the kisses and hugging.
> 
> Many people do not like to show affection in public.
> 
> ...


We kiss and hug constantly when in public. But it is always me initiating this, very rarely her. She does not mind me initiating any public affection though.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

romantic_dreamer said:


> She does love me. she may come to my office several times a day and kiss me and tells me how much she loves me. She may roll over me in the morning and kiss me. She always greets me when I come home.
> 
> But she never gives me any gift for our shared celebrations and she often does not acknowledge me publicly.


Do you randomly find her to kiss her during the day and verbally tell her how much you love her, roll over to her in the morning and kiss her? The reason that I'm asking is whether this is more of what she would like from you. Similarly as you would like more of what you provide her. Is that a possibility? 

Is there any chance that you've assumed that role of planning the celebrations and gifts and she perhaps views that domain as something that you do? What's influencing this to surface within you now to create a thread about it; is there an anniversary approaching/just had? In terms of a celebration like an anniversary, could you simply suggest to her in advance that you'd love if she could plan the next one - or perhaps plan it together? With love notes and such, it may be a personality difference and after all this time, no doubt also the dynamic that you have shaped together. In terms of toasting to you, is that something that she grew up with in a sociocultural sense and is comfortable for her to do? It sounds like she attempted that for a while, yet has slipped by the wayside... and would hazard a guess that it's related to her personality traits. To me, there's typically a flip-side to personality traits that ought to be recognized. What perhaps causes her to be less forthcoming with toasting to you, likely have flip-side aspects that are part of her appeal for you. And as raised by a wise contributor here, affection for her may be more related to the privacy between you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

romantic_dreamer said:


> It is important holiday for us. We always celebrate it, I always give her some romantic gift. she is always grateful to me for this, so it is not that she does not care.
> 
> We are very passionate and affectionate people. We celebrate all important dates for us.
> 
> ...


Is there a typo in here... why would you be cheered when it was to celebrate her birthday?

I'm not on social media (aside from here), yet I do find the reason she gave about your marriage status to be unusual. Do you have any deeper understanding as to what that is about?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I started giving my wife Valentine chocolates, flowers, card when we started dating. Anniversary after marrying same three. Never missed once. Never entered my head to expect her to give me gifts for those occasions. Just always thought it was for man to give the woman. My upbringing I guess. Christmas and my birthday, wife has always given me gifts. I give people gifts because I get a lot of joy giving gifts. I dont expect reciprocation.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

romantic_dreamer said:


> One of them is that she never gives any gift for events that are considered shared by both of of us: anniversaries, valentine's days.





romantic_dreamer said:


> She never, I mean NEVER gave me anything, not even a card for those events.





romantic_dreamer said:


> It is important holiday for us. We always celebrate it,


Look, I don't know if you're here to argue or get advice. But ^^this^^ is what you said, not me.

She NEVER gives you anything for these "events." Maybe it's important for you to give her gifts, but it's not important for her to give you gifts for these "events." 



romantic_dreamer said:


> I just don't know how ask her and honestly I do not find it is right to ask for gifts.


You're not asking her to give you gifts. You are asking her WHY she doesn't give them. Asking why is not the same as saying "I want gifts." There's sure a lot of hinting around on your part. How about being direct for a change? Say what you mean and mean what you say.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Do you randomly find her to kiss her during the day and verbally tell her how much you love her, roll over to her in the morning and kiss her? The reason that I'm asking is whether this is more of what she would like from you. Similarly as you would like more of what you provide her. Is that a possibility?


I kiss her many times a day. she kisses me too. As I said we are very affectionate people and very passionate and in love.



heartsbeating said:


> Is there any chance that you've assumed that role of planning the celebrations and gifts and she perhaps views that domain as something that you do? What's influencing this to surface within you now to create a thread about it; is there an anniversary approaching/just had? In terms of a celebration like an anniversary, could you simply suggest to her in advance that you'd love if she could plan the next one - or perhaps plan it together? With love notes and such, it may be a personality difference and after all this time, no doubt also the dynamic that you have shaped together.


Our marriage is that I am in a driver seat 100%. I do plan all events, she never plans anything. I do not complain about this. but writing a love note to me once in awhile would be very nice. Love note or a card is private event. Moreover she knows I would appreciate this a lot. I write her love note almost every day when I pack her lunch. She loves this and always thanks me via text message.

Yes, last weekend there was our 25h anniversary of us moving in together which is very important day for us, as important as our marriage anniversary which is in 6 months. I gave her very nice diamond ring, flowers, chocolate. I planed very nice romantic gateway for few days. We celebrated very nicely. A gift from her would be very nice and appropriate. Just a hand written card, something I can keep as memories. And she is not stupid or naïve not to understand this.



heartsbeating said:


> In terms of toasting to you, is that something that she grew up with in a sociocultural sense and is comfortable for her to do? It sounds like she attempted that for a while, yet has slipped by the wayside... and would hazard a guess that it's related to her personality traits.


In our culture the first toast goes for the birthday person and it is always given by a spouse. Second toast always goes to the spouse and is always given by the birthday person. If it is her birthday I will give a toast publicly praising her and tell everyone who wonderful she is, how much I love her, etc. Second toast she is expected to toast me and say basically similar words for me.



heartsbeating said:


> To me, there's typically a flip-side to personality traits that ought to be recognized. What perhaps causes her to be less forthcoming with toasting to you, likely have flip-side aspects that are part of her appeal for you. And as raised by a wise contributor here, affection for her may be more related to the privacy between you.


A I said I don't understand this part of her. I don't know if she does certain things intentionally or just does not care. Both are equally hurtful to me.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm not on social media (aside from here), yet I do find the reason she gave about your marriage status to be unusual. Do you have any deeper understanding as to what that is about?


I do not fully understand. She is not active on social media, she does not write or post anything, she just reads others post. But it does hurt me that her profile does not show she is even married, not to say she is married to me.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I kiss her many times a day. she kisses me too. As I said we are very affectionate people and very passionate and in love.





romantic_dreamer said:


> I said I don't understand this part of her. I don't know if she does certain things intentionally or just does not care. Both are equally hurtful to me.


I'm having trouble computing meaning with these two seemingly opposing sentiments.

Resentment is detrimental. Alongside not trusting her intentions (does she do certain things intentionally or just does not care).

I'd just tell her straight, 'I'd love to receive a note from you' ...or 'I'd love if you could plan our upcoming anniversary' or plan it together.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I do not fully understand. She is not active on social media, she does not write or post anything, she just reads others post. But it does hurt me that her profile does not show she is even married, not to say she is married to me.


Does it state that she is single - or is just left blank? If she's just using the account to browse friends/family, and that section is blank, I personally wouldn't think anything of it. However, I'm not you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Why do you do the daily love notes, gifts and all that jazz?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your user name says it all. I’m betting her user name would be nothing like yours.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You keep saying "our" culture. What culture is that exactly?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm having trouble computing meaning with these two seemingly opposing sentiments.
> 
> Resentment is detrimental. Alongside not trusting her intentions (does she do certain things intentionally or just does not care).
> 
> I'd just tell her straight, 'I'd love to receive a note from you' ...or 'I'd love if you could plan our upcoming anniversary' or plan it together.





heartsbeating said:


> Why do you do the daily love notes, gifts and all that jazz?


Because I love her. and this is my "love language".


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> You keep saying "our" culture. What culture is that exactly?


Let me decline this question.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Your user name says it all. I’m betting her user name would be nothing like yours.


She is very romantic too. she does romantic gestures to me: she kisses me, she hugs me, she cuddles with me. She may cook me breakfast.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Does it state that she is single - or is just left blank? If she's just using the account to browse friends/family, and that section is blank, I personally wouldn't think anything of it. However, I'm not you.


Her profile marital status is blank. I asked her once why it is blank and she said she does not want to publicize our marital status and using martial status one can connect her and me. It is very weird answer to me.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I'd just tell her straight, 'I'd love to receive a note from you' ...or 'I'd love if you could plan our upcoming anniversary' or plan it together.


If I ask her to give me a gift she may get me a gift may be once and then it will be the same story.

She does not do certain things for me though she certainly knows how much I appreciate them.

When we started dating she used some perfume. I liked it so much, I told her many times. When we got married I gave her new bottle of this perfume. She used it may be once 20+ years ago despite me telling her how much I love her using this perfume. Before we were supposed to go to our few days romantic getaway to celebrate our anniversary I told her how much I would like to her to use this perfume. She said she would use but she did not. I asked her after our anniversary why she did not use it and she said she forgot it at home.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So my guess is you are here to vent. You resent some of the things your wife does. However, you love her. Perhaps you should consider doing one of two things: (1) Live with her the way she is, and love her for her good points while overlooking the things that bother you, or, (2) Tell her what it is exactly that bothers you.

If complaining to a group of total strangers out in cyberspace helps you, fine by me. No skin off my nose. Stay and learn to live with it. We have folks on here who post for years about things they dislike about their partners. Vent away. Or consider telling her what it is that bothers you. Your life. Your choice.

P.S. - If you don't want anyone to ask what "our" culture is, perhaps you should refrain from mentioning it. After all, inquiring minds would like to know. Just sayin' ...


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> So my guess is you are here to vent. You resent some of the things your wife does. However, you love her. Perhaps you should consider doing one of two things: (1) Live with her the way she is, and love her for her good points while overlooking the things that bother you, or, (2) Tell her what it is exactly that bothers you.


Yea, it is probably true. I know it is unlikely to change her and this is probably who she is. I still don't understand the motivation behind her actions or inactions (she does not care or she intentionally refuses to do certain things) but indeed it does not matter. I cannot really press on her since it would be really wrong and may actually have an opposite effect. What I can do from my side is not to give he the same level or gestures I have been giving her our entire life and see how she will perceive this. I am not sure this is right thing to do either.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I don't know man but you sound like a pushover afraid to ask his own wife a simple question such as: honey, I want to know why you don't give me presents on such and such events?

It's that easy, what the heck are you afraid of? Are you a mousy guy or what?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I really don't know how to message this to her. Though it seems very obvious to me. How you cannot give a gift to the man you love for valentine's day? I do not want to ask for gifts really.


Well valentine's day is really just a money making thing after all. Far more important is how we treat each other all the time rather than on one day.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> I don't know man but you sound like a pushover afraid to ask his own wife a simple question such as: honey, I want to know why you don't give me presents on such and such events?
> 
> It's that easy, what the heck are you afraid of? Are you a mousy guy or what?


Because I know the answer. she will say sorry (sincerely), next time she may give a gift just for the record. After some time she may forget (or intentionally not do) to give me any gift. Do I need to remind her every time to give me a gift or write me a note? This is ridiculous.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Well valentine's day is really just a money making thing after all. Far more important is how we treat each other all the time rather than on one day.


It might be for you. For us it is an important day when we are celebrating you love for each other. We usually cook very nice diner together, we do not go to a restaurant. I bring her flowers and chocolate and something else.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> She is very romantic too. she does romantic gestures to me: she kisses me, she hugs me, she cuddles with me. She may cook me breakfast.


Ahh so add acts of service to her love languages. Can't you just accept that you show love to each other in different ways?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> It might be for you. For us it is an important day when we are celebrating you love for each other. We usually cook very nice diner together, we do not go to a restaurant. I bring her flowers and chocolate and something else.


Our love is important every day. Valentine's is just a commercial money spinner..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She is that canvas that you paint and later adore.

She is passive, flat surfaced, and not an active participant.

I get the hurt part, but not the acceptance part.

Does she buy gifts for others.
Does she tell her parents and siblings (or anyone) she loves them?

Might she be on the spectrum...just a bit?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

RD,

It does not sound like you don't have a problem, she kisses you passionately still, a good barometer of relationship health.

And given that that is true I would guess she still has sex with you and it is passionate as well. You did mention that she does not do some sex acts you desire, did she explain why?

Most of us do not get love in the exact way we want, but you seem to have more good things about your relationship than most people have. Perhaps in your case perfection is the enemy of the good.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

We all tend to love our spouse thr way we want to be loved. You need to do the 5 love languages with her so that she understands what you need to feel loved. She isnt reciprocating because what you are doing for her is not the way she feels loved.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Because I know the answer.


Apparently not. You may know how is she's going to react and act for a while, but still you don't know why, otherwise you would have told us already. Isn’t this the reason you are here, to get inputs on how to ask your wife why?


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Did she buy presents, send cards, show up at your place unannounced early in your relationship. A few weeks in?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> She is that canvas that you paint and later adore.
> 
> She is passive, flat surfaced, and not an active participant.
> 
> ...


We get gifts for our kids and she does give me gift for my birthday and Father's day. It is just our shared events she ignores.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

manowar said:


> Did she buy presents, send cards, show up at your place unannounced early in your relationship. A few weeks in?


Nothing changed over years. She never gave me a card or a love note. We never actually dated, we had 1 year LTR and then moved in together. so "show up at your place unannounced" is N/A to our case. We wrote each other hundreds of letters when we were LTR, it was pre-Internet age.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

TAMAT said:


> RD,
> 
> It does not sound like you don't have a problem, she kisses you passionately still, a good barometer of relationship health.


It depends on how you define the "problem". I mentioned that she does love me and she does show it, usually as a reaction to my action: she kisses me when I kiss her, she does say she is very lucky to be with me, etc. so I do not have a problem of feeling being loved.



TAMAT said:


> And given that that is true I would guess she still has sex with you and it is passionate as well. You did mention that she does not do some sex acts you desire, did she explain why?


We do have rather regular sex, 3-5 times a week. She is passive but very passionate, she positively reacts to most of what I try. There are few things she does not do. I like her putting on lingerer, she knows I like this but she rarely does and only if I tell her to do which for me often kills the purpose. I told her once that I like her to send me her nudes. She was rather enthusiastic but she sent me them only once. I told her how wonderful it is and how exciting I was. I am pretty sure if I never mention this again she will never send me them in the future.



TAMAT said:


> Most of us do not get love in the exact way we want, but you seem to have more good things about your relationship than most people have. Perhaps in your case perfection is the enemy of the good.


I do not believe what I want is unreasonable. I know most men get valentine's day and anniversary gifts from their GF or spouses.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Apparently not. You may know how is she's going to react and act for a while, but still you don't know why, otherwise you would have told us already. Isn’t this the reason you are here, to get inputs on how to ask your wife why?


I do not want to appear as if I am either grilling her or otherwise combatant. I can tell her "You never wrote me a love note. Tell me why? If you do not write me a love note it shows you do not love as much". First, I am not sure she herself knows why. Second, she will be upset and she will write me a note maybe next day. But this won't be a genuine action from her heart. It will be forced action. I do not want such love note.
I also worry such action form my side can impact our relationship. We both are very sensitive people and not always can react very calmly if other person is hurt or openly dissatisfied.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I revisited a couple of your previous threads and from my perspective, this one seems consistent with what you have raised elsewhere; just with a slightly different context. Anyway, here's something you wrote and it would seem that to alleviate part of your discontent is, as has been suggested already, to either interact differently and/or accept her for who she is. Unless, as @Prodigal mentioned, you just want to have moments of venting here. Completely your prerogative. I'll now exit stage left.



romantic_dreamer said:


> I also realized that my wife may need a "push" or a "reminder" to do certain things I want. Otherwise she may no do them. *It may not mean she does not like them or she does not care. It is just who she is and this won't change.*


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I revisited a couple of your previous threads and from my perspective, this one seems consistent with what you have raised elsewhere; just with a slightly different context. Anyway, here's something you wrote and it would seem that to alleviate part of your discontent is, as has been suggested already, to either interact differently and/or accept her for who she is. Unless, as @Prodigal mentioned, you just want to have moments of venting here. Completely your prerogative. I'll now exit stage left.


Since all things I talk about did not start yesterday I already accepted mentally that this is how they will always be. It does hurt though from time to time. I have not found good way to 'interact differently". I cannot really force her to act differently. You cannot force your wife to give you gifts if she does not give them. You cannot force her to write you love notes. Why she does not do this, I don't know. She may not know either or she won't tell me honestly. They appear obvious to me. She is a very intelligent, smart woman who I love passionately so she gets a lot of love gestures from me and she herself does some love gestures to me. How she does not get that an anniversary is a shared event and both partners are supposed to exchange gifts? I may never know true answer to this question. Why she forgets taking a perfume for our getaway knowing that I like it and I specifically asked her to take? I never in my life forgot anything that was important to her. I never ignored or missed anything she said she likes or wants. It is so obvious to a loving person.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> I don’t know too much about Love Languages, but it appears you two have different ones.


yeah, i agree, you both "communicate" your love in very different ways.
can you get her to respond the way you want her to? Probably not.

can you start to understand and appreciate how she does show she loves you? yes!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

She buys you gifts for your bday and Father's day.

She does celebrate Valentines day and anniversary by cooking dinner with you.

You have sex with her 3-5 times a week.

She kisses you and cuddles in bed.

She's been faithful for 25 yrs.

Me thinks you have it pretty [email protected] good and instead of being grateful for what you have with her and who she is you're looking for something to complain about. 

As others have said her love language isn't exactly like yours even though she does give gifts.

It's all about perspective. If she got seriously sick would you care if she didn't give you a Valentines card? If she passed away, when you would think about her, would you be thinking about her not giving you a Valentines card or anniversary card or all of the wonderful awesome things the two of you shared and who she was??

It's all about focus and it would behoove you to change your focus. You don't really realize how good things are and how blessed you are. 

She is who she is and it sounds like you're expecting her to be like you. Not everyone is going to give their loved one cards or notes every single day which it sounds like you do. I know you love her but man that sounds like overkill to me and suffocating as well but you do and let her do her.

Declining to answer someone's question of what your culture is? Maybe you're declining to answer this because it has nothing to do with your culture because it's really about you and what your expectations are?

My advice is to lighten the F up and enjoy what you have with her because life can change things in the blink of an eye and when it does NONE of this other nonsense will matter.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I have been married to my wife for almost 25 years. We are very much in love now as we were when we first moved in together. She is everything to me, my love, my passion, my friend, my cheer. I can't image a day without her. I consider myself very lucky to have her in my life.
> 
> However I have few issues that bother me from time to time. One of them is that she never gives any gift for events that are considered shared by both of of us: anniversaries, valentine's days. We do celebrate all these events and it is almost always me who plans them. I always give her very expensive and lovely gifts, jewelry, designer clothes, shoes, bags. I always give her flowers and her favorite chocolate. She never, I mean NEVER gave me anything, not even a card for those events. I am not sure why. I never felt appropriate to complain to her about this. I always thought you cannot ask for a gift, they need to come from other partner's heart. She does give me gifts for my events (Father's day, birthday).
> 
> ...


Sounds like you both have different love languages. She loves you but doesn't show it. 
TBH, since we had kids, my husband and I don't even get gifts for each other for our anniversary; we do dinner, we both prefer that experience. He does get flowers, but most of the time I tell him not to, not to make a big deal. Even for birthdays, we just tell each other to 'get what you want', and we're both ok with that. 

I wouldn't ruin a good thing or make a big stink about this, especially that you know she loves you and you're as in love as when you first got together. Just accept it for what it is, and realize that you don't need that kind of validation.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You are a romantic at heart and she isn't. She can learn to show her love in the way you would like to be shown; but, first you have to have a heart to heart convo with her. Just remember that it might be unfair of you to expect her to genuinely want to write you love notes or gush over you on fakebook. That isn't her.

Also, every time you ask her to wear some lingerie or perfume she may hear "You're not good enough as you are".

You are packing her lunch - is she the breadwinner? Enough with those daily notes - for a non-romantic that is a bit much.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe she doesn't like you _that_ much...


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

sideways said:


> She buys you gifts for your bday and Father's day.
> 
> She does celebrate Valentines day and anniversary by cooking dinner with you.
> 
> ...


Yes, love her and appreciate her and everything she does and has done for me. I feel incredibly lucky and blessed to have her in my life. But I don't think I am wrong being upset if she forgets to get the perfume she knew I like and I asked her to take specifically. Or I am wrong expecting a gift from her for Valentine's day or our anniversary when I give her elaborate and expensive gifts each time.

Using you logic she may not be upset if I won't give her anything, no flowers or chocolate for Valentine's gift because her husband already does so much other stuff for her and she may not be upset regardless if other men bring flowers and chocolate to the women they love.



sideways said:


> She is who she is and it sounds like you're expecting her to be like you. Not everyone is going to give their loved one cards or notes every single day which it sounds like you do. I know you love her but man that sounds like overkill to me and suffocating as well but you do and let her do her.


It may be overkill and suffocating for others but not for us. We are very affectionate and passionate people. I know she adores every my love note. She has special place when she collects them all.



sideways said:


> Declining to answer someone's question of what your culture is? Maybe you're declining to answer this because it has nothing to do with your culture because it's really about you and what your expectations are?


I provided all our culture customs relevant to my post. We are from the same culture, the same country and even from the same town and raised in very similar environment.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe she doesn't like you _that_ much...


She does like me and she does love me as much. She proved this in life many many times.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You are a romantic at heart and she isn't. She can learn to show her love in the way you would like to be shown; but, first you have to have a heart to heart convo with her. Just remember that it might be unfair of you to expect her to genuinely want to write you love notes or gush over you on fakebook. That isn't her.


Why it is unfair to expect her to write me a love note or card at least once in our 25 years together?



Blondilocks said:


> Also, every time you ask her to wear some lingerie or perfume she may hear "You're not good enough as you are".


This is absolutely not true. I tell her many many times and each time we are intimate how beautiful and sexy and hot she is. I really think this way. She just by some reason ignores my wants.



Blondilocks said:


> You are packing her lunch - is she the breadwinner? Enough with those daily notes - for a non-romantic that is a bit much.


I earn 4 times what she earns. But it does not matter. I cook and pack her lunch because I love her. I used to do it even when she was SAHM, I cooked lunch before leaving for work so she can have less burden throughout the day. I also bring her gourmet breakfast to bed every Sunday and do many many other things.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Sounds like you both have different love languages. She loves you but doesn't show it.
> TBH, since we had kids, my husband and I don't even get gifts for each other for our anniversary; we do dinner, we both prefer that experience. He does get flowers, but most of the time I tell him not to, not to make a big deal. Even for birthdays, we just tell each other to 'get what you want', and we're both ok with that.


You BOTH do not give each other a gift. This is I think is fundamental difference. Would you really not give your husband anything, not even a card if he gives you very thoughtful gift?



GC1234 said:


> I wouldn't ruin a good thing or make a big stink about this, especially that you know she loves you and you're as in love as when you first got together. Just accept it for what it is, and realize that you don't need that kind of validation.


I am not obviously going to ruin our marriage because of not getting a gift. I love her and nothing will ever shutter this. But I am genuinely upset and I do not think I am wrong in being upset.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You didn't really grasp anything I said and that's OK. If you choose to be upset that's your choice...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

some times it is the LITTLE THING in a marriage that drive you nutz. and you try to ignore them, but there they are, happening over and over until you lash out and rant....about basically nothing.

it is hard, but you have to try to let those things slide right on by....life is too important to worry the little things


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

romantic_dreamer said:


> She does like me and she does love me as much. She proved this in life many many times.


Then I tend to agree with the others here: she has a different love language. You have it good. Don't spoil it.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> some times it is the LITTLE THING in a marriage that drive you nutz. and you try to ignore them, but there they are, happening over and over until you lash out and rant....about basically nothing.
> 
> it is hard, but you have to try to let those things slide right on by....life is too important to worry the little things


Correct. I have to live with this, I have no other choice. Ever time we have a shared celebration and I give a her a gift and she gives me noting it does open this wound.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Then I tend to agree with the others here: she has a different love language. You have it good. Don't spoil it.


I don't think everything can be attributed to different love language. Her forgetting to take perfume I asked her to take is not a different love language.

And for the gifts, I don't think it is different love language. If her love language does not include gifts she would not care what gift I give her. But I can assure you she does care. If I won't give her anything, not even flowers on Valentine's day she will be very upset (and rightfully). She may not tell me straightforward "where are my flowers?", but she will be upset. It means she understands that is it part of love to give the person you love a gift for valentine's day.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I really don't know how to message this to her. Though it seems very obvious to me. How you cannot give a gift to the man you love for valentine's day? I do not want to ask for gifts really.


Well, for ME, I would never ever think that a man I was with NEEDED a gift to feel special, because it's not something that matters to me at all. So unless he specifically TOLD me that would make him feel loved, I would never consider it! I simply think that people can pick out whatever they want better than I can, so it just doesn't occur to me. I don't feel that way because I don't care, I just don't realize it on my own!!

If I am ever with a man who needs that the way you are describing it for you, I would happily do everything I could to provide that for him, so I could make him happy!! But unless he told me, I would never know.

You message it to her by specifically TELLING her - "you taking the time and effort to get me a gift means alot to me and makes me feel loved...is that something you are willing to do for me from now on?"
It may feel awkward to be so direct like that, but I think THAT is much better than the bad feelings of being ignored and unimportant that you feel without telling her.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> You message it to her by specifically TELLING her - "you taking the time and effort to get me a gift means alot to me and makes me feel loved...is that something you are willing to do for me from now on?"
> It may feel awkward to be so direct like that, but I think THAT is much better than the bad feelings of being ignored and unimportant that you feel without telling her.


You are probably right and I may try this. I asked her for other things, it did not bring desired results. But at least I will try with gifts.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

It is similar with my wife and I. I always am the one that gives a gift for all the holidays you mentioned. We still even celebrate the anniversary of me proposing to her. She is hit or miss. I might get some candy or card for our anniversary. I honestly don't care. I get all my joy from seeing her face, reaction and gratitude for the gift I gave her. I'm happy knowing I made her happy. And I really have no interest in getting a gift. I don't even like it at Christmas. Honestly I am such a picky person about what I want in material things I often feel disappointed by the gift. Then I feel bad for thinking like that when I should just be grateful for the gesture. Viscous circle.

This sounds just like the other issue you had a topic on a while back. Different topic, but same problem. You don't seem to be willing to have deep conversations with your wife. 

I do think it would be good for you and your wife to take the love language quiz. If nothing else it can be a way to start a conversation about this topic, so you can do as @LisaDiane suggests. Check out this quiz:









Learn More About Yourself


Discover the secrets that have helped millions of people improve their relationships and themselves.




www.5lovelanguages.com


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Correct. I have to live with this, I have no other choice. Ever time we have a shared celebration and I give a her a gift and she gives me noting it does open this wound.


the next day, go out and buy yourself a really expensive bottle of scotch, and gift it to yourself for being such a great guy! works every time!


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> the next day, go out and buy yourself a really expensive bottle of scotch, and gift it to yourself for being such a great guy! works every time!


I don't need or want any material stuff.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I don't need or want any material stuff.


LOL, then why are your complaining about your wife not giving you material stuff?


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Just remember that it might be unfair of you to expect her to genuinely want to write you love notes or gush over you on fakebook. That isn't her.
> 
> Also, every time you ask her to wear some lingerie or perfume she may hear "You're not good enough as you are".


Like the OP's, my wife is often responsive, unromantic and passive, but that's her nature. It ain't gonna chance completely, although she puts in efforts, and I love her for that. 

For my part, I've learned to pull back on my romantic expectations and perhaps more importantly, try harder to listen to HER love languages and give her more of the things SHE places weight on. We have a great sex life. Sometimes I still get butthurt/wishful like the OP, lol. 

Re: The lingerie, that's a very interesting perspective I would have never considered.

Given my wife's nature, I simply leave some lingerie I'd love to see her in hanging by the closet. She knows I'm going to be extra horny for her if she's wearing something I've envisioned her in, so it's literally foreplay for her, and she looks forward to me taking the initiative on that regularly. It relieves her of a responsibility that she does not want as well, and so it's a double treat for her. I think that's just what you do to step up and make yourself and your partner happier in a dynamic like this. 

I'm not about to suggest this to the OP though, as I and others have made similar suggestions to take charge of things like this with a naturally passive, responsive spouse in his other threads and they've all but fallen on deaf ears, with a return to OP's longing for her to change, when she has proven a hundred times that she cannot. It's not her nature.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is similar with my wife and I. I always am the one that gives a gift for all the holidays you mentioned. We still even celebrate the anniversary of me proposing to her. She is hit or miss. I might get some candy or card for our anniversary. I honestly don't care. I get all my joy from seeing her face, reaction and gratitude for the gift I gave her. I'm happy knowing I made her happy. And I really have no interest in getting a gift. I don't even like it at Christmas. Honestly I am such a picky person about what I want in material things I often feel disappointed by the gift. Then I feel bad for thinking like that when I should just be grateful for the gesture. Viscous circle.


I do not need or want any material gift. A hand written card or some other thoughtful small gift like a small stuffed animal would be the best gift for me.



BigDaddyNY said:


> I do think it would be good for you and your wife to take the love language quiz. If nothing else it can be a way to start a conversation about this topic, so you can do as @LisaDiane suggests. Check out this quiz:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I took the quiz. The problem is for most questions my answer would be BOTH (physical touch/time spend with you partner and a gesture from my partner), I really need and vlaue both. I am pretty sure my wife is the same.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I do not believe what I want is unreasonable. I know most men get valentine's day and anniversary gifts from their GF or spouses.


It's not unreasonable to want a gift...what seems unreasonable to me is that you expect her to read your mind.

And who are "most men"...?? Because most of the men in my family/friends circles don't get gifts for Valentine's Day at all, and rarely for anniversaries.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> It's not unreasonable to want a gift...what seems unreasonable to me is that you expect her to read your mind.


I am more than convinced she know I would be delightful to get a gift from her. And as I said i asked her about other things and she di not do them. so I am not sure if tell her explicitly about gifts she will give me one.



LisaDiane said:


> And who are "most men"...?? Because most of the men in my family/friends circles don't get gifts for Valentine's Day at all, and rarely for anniversaries.


When I buy her flowers for Valentine's day I need to get 7:00 AM in the morning to place my order with a florist. When I get her chocolate there is huge line of men standing in Godiva store in the mall.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I do not need or want any material gift. A hand written card or some other thoughtful small gift like a small stuffed animal would be the best gift for me.
> 
> 
> 
> I took the quiz. The problem is for most questions my answer would be BOTH (physical touch/time spend with you partner and a gesture from my partner), I really need and vlaue both. I am pretty sure my wife is the same.


You aren't doing it write. You may value both, but go with your gut as to what you would want more if your can only chose 1. Has you wife taken the test?

Even if you don't believe the results, the quiz can be a conversation starter, which is what you really need.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You aren't doing it write. You may value both, but go with your gut as to what you would want more if your can only chose 1. Has you wife taken the test?


I am telling you both of us need BOTH. Really both, we cannot do just one type. We absolutely need physical touch and we absolutely need physical and other gestures to show our love for each other.

If I never gave her a gift she would be upset. She always tells me how bad it was that her Dad never gave any gift to her Mom.

And if I do not touch and kiss her several times a day and either of us comes or leaves home she would think something horrible has happened and I am terribly mad at her (this never happened BTW).


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Why it is unfair to expect her to write me a love note or card at least once in our 25 years together?
> 
> 
> This is absolutely not true. I tell her many many times and each time we are intimate how beautiful and sexy and hot she is. I really think this way. She just by some reason ignores my wants.
> ...


There is a book that I could recommend that would undoubtedly help you; but, I won't because you enjoy and are determined to sit on your pity pot. Hold on to and nurture those petty resentments and see where that gets you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I am telling you both of us need BOTH. Really both, we cannot do just one type. We absolutely need physical touch and we absolutely need physical and other gestures to show our love for each other.
> 
> If I never gave her a gift she would be upset. She always tells me how bad it was that her Dad never gave any gift to her Mom.
> 
> And if I do not touch and kiss her several times a day and either of us comes or leaves home she would think something horrible has happened and I am terribly mad at her (this never happened BTW).


Honestly I think you are beyond help or don't really want help. Maybe you are just here to vent. You never want to take anyone's advice to heart. It is always one excuse or another as to why you can't do this or that and you never address the root of your issues, which is talking to your wife.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> When I buy her flowers for Valentine's day I need to get 7:00 AM in the morning to place my order with a florist. When I get her chocolate there is huge line of men standing in Godiva store in the mall.


Oh, I thought you meant most men GET gifts from their partners, because I don't know any who do GET them...I do know a few who give them.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Oh, I thought you meant most men GET gifts from their partners, because I don't know any who do GET them...I do know a few who give them.


I do not know many couples of those I do both partners give each other gifts for shared events. and those who do not give gifts, both do not give. I personally do not know any couple when only man gives gift to his wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> *Valentine's Day is a manufactured holiday so florists and Hallmark can make more money.* Your wife does show you that she loves you. She just doesn't do it on your terms.
> 
> After all these years, why wouldn't you just ask her why she doesn't give you anything on Valentine's Day or your anniversary?
> 
> You won't know the answer if you don't ask the question.


Does she spend a lot of money on shoes, purses, jewelry, clothes she rarely wears?
If not, it may be that she is frugal, and not frivolous.


Or, maybe she is a cheapskate.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I am telling you both of us need BOTH. Really both, we cannot do just one type. We absolutely need physical touch and we absolutely need physical and other gestures to show our love for each other.
> 
> If I never gave her a gift she would be upset. She always tells me how bad it was that her Dad never gave any gift to her Mom.
> 
> And if I do not touch and kiss her several times a day and either of us comes or leaves home she would think something horrible has happened and I am terribly mad at her (this never happened BTW).


I don't know much about Love Languages, but I'm pretty sure everyone has TWO, one is just more important than the other.

In my opinion, this is a YOU problem - and you have the power to get your needs met whenever you are willing to do what it takes to make it happen. Until then, things will remain the way they are, and you will continue to feel bad. But that is YOUR choice.

I don't think it's really that bad for you, because you are happy with everything else in your marriage. So that's good, and puts you in a better position than many other people on here (including ME...Lol!!)!!


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Does she spend a lot of money on shoes, purses, jewelry, clothes she rarely wears?
> If not, it may be that she is frugal, and not frivolous.
> 
> 
> Or, maybe she is a cheapskate.


She does not spend money, I do. She loves very much all my gifts, not just for value but because I give them to her as sign of my love for her. She wears all jewelry, shoes and bags, she looks fantastic in them and she got zillion complements from her colleagues, our friends and some times just strangers.

I personally do not need any material gifts so it is not a matter of money.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I don't know much about Love Languages, but I'm pretty sure everyone has TWO, one is just more important than the other.


I really do not have preference and I really need both. If she never does anything for me it would upset me. If she never touches me or kisses me it would upset me too.This would like if what arm left or right you value most. I am pretty sure she would respond in the same way. We have both types and we value both of them. 



LisaDiane said:


> In my opinion, this is a YOU problem - and you have the power to get your needs met whenever you are willing to do what it takes to make it happen. Until then, things will remain the way they are, and you will continue to feel bad. But that is YOUR choice.
> 
> I don't think it's really that bad for you, because you are happy with everything else in your marriage. So that's good, and puts you in a better position than many other people on here (including ME...Lol!!)!!


I never said I have bad or I devalue or ungrateful to what I have. What I disagree with is the perception that because I have so much any pain I have is outright dismissed. 

I will try to talk to her using some of the language suggested. Until she "gets it" and understands that this is import to me, it does hurt me I doubt much will change and I will have to live with this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> She does not spend money, I do. She loves very much all my gifts, not just for value but because I give them to her as sign of my love for her. She wears all jewelry, shoes and bags, she looks fantastic in them and she got zillion complements from her colleagues, our friends and some times just strangers.
> 
> I personally do not need any material gifts so it is not a matter of money.


Um, you missed my point!

You buy her 'stuff', she buys you squat.

Squat has little value, hence she is cheap when it comes to you.
Hence, my point about her being a cheapskate!

Anyway, hurray for you, you do treat her like a Queen.
She treats you like a ..

Like what?

Hmm?

A benefactor?

Where are you going with this Thread?


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I don't think everything can be attributed to different love language. Her forgetting to take perfume I asked her to take is not a different love language.
> 
> And for the gifts, I don't think it is different love language. If her love language does not include gifts she would not care what gift I give her. But I can assure you she does care. If I won't give her anything, not even flowers on Valentine's day she will be very upset (and rightfully). She may not tell me straightforward "where are my flowers?", but she will be upset. It means she understands that is it part of love to give the person you love a gift for valentine's day.


Perfume : it can indeed be a consequence of a different love language; she simply does not feel what you feel about it, so it's easy to forget it. It doesn't register. 

Gifts: if you stop giving them, she would see it as meaning you've hardened your heart because she has become accustomed to it being YOUR language... of course she would be upset. This has little to do with her understanding of what the 'parts of love' are.

You need to add some more unromantic_doer to your romantic_dreamer. I don't mean that to sound cruel, I've been in your shoes.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Um, you missed my point!
> 
> You buy her 'stuff', she buys you squat.
> 
> ...


I am not sure what you mean really. I do not buy her "stuff". I buy and give her gifts from my heart, because I lover her and these gifts I know she would love and appreciate. It is not a price that is important but what is put into those gifts.

She does treat me very well and she does love me. I do not doubt her love for me.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Quad73 said:


> Perfume : it can indeed be a consequence of a different love language; she simply does not feel what you feel about it, so it's easy to forget it. It doesn't register.


It is not true. when we were dating or going together or even when she was going somewhere she always used that perfume. It was literally designed for her. It is not that I bought her new perfume she never used and want her to use it.



Quad73 said:


> Gifts: if you stop giving them, she would see it as meaning you've hardened your heart because she has become accustomed to it being YOUR language... of course she would be upset. This has little to do with her understanding of what the 'parts of love' are.
> 
> You need to add some more unromantic_doer to your romantic_dreamer. I don't mean that to sound cruel, I've been in your shoes.


If I stop giving her gifts she will probably treat this as intentional offensive act. This will greatly taint in her eyes all my gifts to her both future and past as she would look at them as not gifts from heart but something I give her with "strings attached" or use as a some sort of leverage.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

It’s hard for me to relate because gifts are not either of our love languages, perhaps last in rank. We frequently go without giving each other gifts.

My wife is good at giving gifts as part of custom in society though. I don’t really even care to do that.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> It’s hard for me to relate because gifts are not either of our love languages, perhaps last in rank. We frequently go without giving each other gifts.
> 
> My wife is good at giving gifts as part of custom in society though. I don’t really even care to do that.


Gifts are part of our love language and they are very important for me. I always try to give her romantic gifts. Even when were were way poorer I always tried to give her something special. She always appreciated them. When she is asked where she got that diamond ring or new shoes she responds happily "My husband gave this to me for ..."

One important point though. She never expected expensive gifts from me and never conditioned any love or anything based on these gifts.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I need to bite my tongue and the (in my throat) sarcasm!


_Are Dee-_


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm bowing out... first world problem to me. Sorry, no offence.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> It is not true. when we were dating or going together or even when she was going somewhere she always used that perfume. It was literally designed for her. It is not that I bought her new perfume she never used and want her to use it.
> 
> 
> If I stop giving her gifts she will probably treat this as intentional offensive act. This will greatly taint in her eyes all my gifts to her both future and past as she would look at them as not gifts from heart but something I give her with "strings attached" or use as a some sort of leverage.


There are "strings attached" because you're upset that she's not reciprocating to the degree that you are (in giving gifts).


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

sideways said:


> There are "strings attached" because you're upset that she's not reciprocating to the degree that you are (in giving gifts).


No "strings attached" because I am not going to use my gifts as a leverage or worse threat to coerce her to start giving me gifts.

Even if I tell her about my desire to get gifts from her I will not frame this a tit-for-tat, give me the gifts because I give you mine.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> It is not true. when we were dating or going together or even when she was going somewhere she always used that perfume. It was literally designed for her. It is not that I bought her new perfume she never used and want her to use it.


People change, you know? 




romantic_dreamer said:


> If I stop giving her gifts she will probably treat this as intentional offensive act. This will greatly taint in her eyes all my gifts to her both future and past as she would look at them as not gifts from heart but something I give her with "strings attached" or use as a some sort of leverage.


I can only imagine that you're not actually interested in solving your problem. You seem to read comments through a distorted lens, choose aspects and rebut. Repeated across threads.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Quad73 said:


> People change, you know?


Change how? she never said she no longer likes the perfume. She just forgot to take it or use it.



Quad73 said:


> I can only imagine that you're not actually interested in solving your problem. You seem to read comments through a distorted lens, choose aspects and rebut. Repeated across threads.


I value positive opinions and advice and ignore offensive and hostile ones.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I value positive opinions and advice and ignore offensive and hostile ones.


But you've argued with almost every single reply you've received, even the supportive ones. You seem a bit defensive about clinging to your version of why she won't meet your needs.

Even this quote below ---


romantic_dreamer said:


> I never said I have bad or I devalue or ungrateful to what I have. *What I disagree with is the perception that because I have so much any pain I have is outright dismissed.*


I had actually complimented you and your relationship in my previous post, but you took more negatively by default.
The second part that I bolded I don't understand - why do you feel like anyone is dismissing your pain? Most of what I've read have been posters trying to give you clarity, and very little that is dismissive at all...in fact, people sound caring and supportive to me.

That's what I mean by, this sounds like a YOU problem...that maybe your mindset isn't helping you within yourself...?
All the posters here can get away from you if you are difficult or annoying to us, but you cannot escape yourself...is that part of why you are struggling emotionally with something that seems much more simple to solve to those of us who have responded to you?

That's just something you can think about if you want to, in case it will help you.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> But you've argued with almost every single reply you've received, even the supportive ones. You seem a bit defensive about clinging to your version of why she won't meet your needs.


I did not argue with everyone. I found that it is not easy to emphasize specifics and uniqueness of our marriage and our character. Both my wife and I believe we are truly unique and special. We have marriage and love that many consider codependent, overwhelming or suffocating. For us it is core of our relationship and we are happy and conformable with it. We are also very sensitive, very affectionate and passionate. That's why straightforward approach "just talk to your wife" may not work for us and many fail to understand this and get angry and hostile towards me when I try to stress this.



LisaDiane said:


> Even this quote below ---
> 
> I had actually complimented you and your relationship in my previous post, but you took more negatively by default.
> The second part that I bolded I don't understand - why do you feel like anyone is dismissing your pain? Most of what I've read have been posters trying to give you clarity, and very little that is dismissive at all...in fact, people sound caring and supportive to me.


It is very common comment that if I have happy relationship and marriage and everything else is near perfect any problem or pain I have is nonsense and should be dismissed. "Many other people have way worse that you", "enjoy your life and don't complain".



LisaDiane said:


> That's what I mean by, this sounds like a YOU problem...that maybe your mindset isn't helping you within yourself...?
> All the posters here can get away from you if you are difficult or annoying to us, but you cannot escape yourself...is that part of why you are struggling emotionally with something that seems much more simple to solve to those of us who have responded to you?
> 
> That's just something you can think about if you want to, in case it will help you.


I do not disagree I am at least part of the problem. I do not agree that the problem is easy to solve. At least for me and us.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

romantic_dreamer said:


> We are also very sensitive, very affectionate and passionate. That's why straightforward approach "just talk to your wife" may not work for us and many fail to understand this and get angry and hostile towards me when I try to stress this.


Can you talk to your wife in a sensitive manner about what is currently bothering you? I guess I don't understand why people of your nature can't also be straightforward. After all, sharing honestly with one's partner what is bothering them is important in a marriage relationship. 

While I'm not saying your issue with the gift giving is nonsense, I think you will agree that there are people in this world who have it far worse than you. We have people on here who have suffered some pretty terrible abuse in their marriages. Doesn't mean that your complaint isn't valid. It just means that you are possibly focusing on one thing too much. Not everyone gives presents for Valentine's Day. Just because YOU think it's the "right" thing to do, doesn't mean everyone else does.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> No "strings attached" because I am not going to use my gifts as a leverage or worse threat to coerce her to start giving me gifts.
> 
> Even if I tell her about my desire to get gifts from her I will not frame this a tit-for-tat, give me the gifts because I give you mine.


You're not getting this.

If you're upset that she's not doing X because you did Y then there are strings attached to what you're doing and it doesn't matter if you say (or Don't say) anything about what you're feeling to her.

When there's NO strings attached it means you don't have ANY expectations on how she responds (or doesn't respond). You do whatever it is you do because it's who you are and what you want to do.

That's like a parent turning around and getting bent out of shape because their kid doesn't do what they wanted them to do in a certain situation and they throw this bull$h!t @ them, "after everything I've done for you".

So their kindness to their child had strings attached. It didn't come from the goodness of their heart. It came from I did this so you better do this.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!

You obviously do NOT get this and it doesn't matter what anybody has to say about this. You've made up your mind that you're right and your wife is wrong and so you just go throw yourself a little pity party.

One day you'll wake up (or God forbid your wife passes away before you do) and it's going to hit you SO F'n hard how good you really had things and instead of looking at all of the awesome things your wife did do for you (and who she was as a person) you decided to look at things that just weren't in her DNA.

Another thing, you're here on TAM, you want to see how good you have things, scroll around the site and see what true hardships people are dealing with and then maybe, just maybe, you might rethink your situation.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I did not argue with everyone. I found that it is not easy to emphasize specifics and uniqueness of our marriage and our character. Both my wife and I believe we are truly unique and special. We have marriage and love that many consider codependent, overwhelming or suffocating. For us it is core of our relationship and we are happy and conformable with it. We are also very sensitive, very affectionate and passionate. That's why straightforward approach "just talk to your wife" may not work for us and many fail to understand this and get angry and hostile towards me when I try to stress this.
> 
> 
> It is very common comment that if I have happy relationship and marriage and everything else is near perfect any problem or pain I have is nonsense and should be dismissed. "Many other people have way worse that you", "enjoy your life and don't complain".
> ...


You claim you and your wife are so "special" and "unique" and yet you can't even go to her to talk about something that's truly bothering you. Which means you and your wife may have a lot of things but what you don't have is communication, honesty, trust, truth and openness, which in my opinion says you have a very superficial relationship. Sorry but that's how I see things.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Can you talk to your wife in a sensitive manner about what is currently bothering you? I guess I don't understand why people of your nature can't also be straightforward. After all, sharing honestly with one's partner what is bothering them is important in a marriage relationship.


If I tell her that I want to get a gift from her or shy she did not give me the gift, she will certainly give me something. But this won't be a gift from her heart, this will be the gift because I asked her. This would be similar to asking her to do my laundry. Yes, she will do my laundry, no question asked. But I do not want such gifts. And if I in any shape or form reference my gifts to her she will perceive his as tit-for-tat, and look at my gifts not as unconditional sign of love but as conditional gift with expectations to get something back from her. some people may have hard time understanding this but this is who we are. The art here is or me to message this in the way as if does not coerce her to give me gift and not to appear as if I condition my gift on something else.

I asked her why she did not toast me during her birthday. she was very emotional and started crying and apologized. It was very hard for me to see her crying. but she could not explain why she did not do this. Adn I am not sure honestly next year she will toast me.



Prodigal said:


> While I'm not saying your issue with the gift giving is nonsense, I think you will agree that there are people in this world who have it far worse than you. We have people on here who have suffered some pretty terrible abuse in their marriages. Doesn't mean that your complaint isn't valid. It just means that you are possibly focusing on one thing too much. Not everyone gives presents for Valentine's Day. Just because YOU think it's the "right" thing to do, doesn't mean everyone else does.


I am sympathetic to any other's problems. but why it has anything to do with mine? Yes, I am married to most wonderful and beautiful woman. I am very lucky and very special. We have very special love. I understand that many other people have way more severe problems. But I still do not understand why I cannot be upset about something that bothering me? not getting a gift from the woman I love for you may be normal or nuance, but for me it is a pain.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

sideways said:


> You're not getting this.
> 
> If you're upset that she's not doing X because you did Y then there are strings attached to what you're doing and it doesn't matter if you say (or Don't say) anything about what you're feeling to her.
> 
> ...


My gifts to her are unconditional as I do not expect anything in return. Even if she won't give me anything and openly says this to me, I will continue giving her my gifts. Because I love her and this is one of the way I show my love for her. I want to get a gift from her because it is important for me, not because I give her anything.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

sideways said:


> You claim you and your wife are so "special" and "unique" and yet you can't even go to her to talk about something that's truly bothering you. Which means you and your wife may have a lot of things but what you don't have is communication, honesty, trust, truth and openness, which in my opinion says you have a very superficial relationship. Sorry but that's how I see things.


We talk about anything. We just do not use heads on approach and choose very carefully how we message any negative emotions or disagreements. We are very sensitive people and we go above and beyond not to hurt each other even when one of us is upset. This is who we are. You can see things any way you want. It is your right. We are happy in our marriage the way we are. We are happ together, it works for us, it may not work for you or anybody else. That's why it is unique.


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## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

People has different love leagues you need to sit and talk her about it


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I have been married to my wife for almost 25 years. We are very much in love now as we were when we first moved in together. She is everything to me, my love, my passion, my friend, my cheer. I can't image a day without her. I consider myself very lucky to have her in my life.
> 
> However I have few issues that bother me from time to time. One of them is that she never gives any gift for events that are considered shared by both of of us: anniversaries, valentine's days. We do celebrate all these events and it is almost always me who plans them. I always give her very expensive and lovely gifts, jewelry, designer clothes, shoes, bags. I always give her flowers and her favorite chocolate. She never, I mean NEVER gave me anything, not even a card for those events. I am not sure why. I never felt appropriate to complain to her about this. I always thought you cannot ask for a gift, they need to come from other partner's heart. She does give me gifts for my events (Father's day, birthday).
> 
> ...


I really don't like to see when someone is such a giver and they pair up with such a taker, but it's not that rare. I've certainly heard tons of women make this same complaint about their husbands. Sometimes I think it's because people who are big givers, similar to people who are just really forgiving and tolerant, attract people who are more like users and those people cling on because many wouldn't put up with it. 

So to begin with, I'm assuming she has her own money so that she could buy you something without having to ask you for money for it? 

The problem now is that you've let it go on too long. I think most people would have complained right away and said something like, seriously, you didn't get anything for me? Or they would have realized it's not that important to the person and just stopped giving. Because sometimes that is true. 

An old boyfriend of mine was startled when I bought him a small birthday present. He was forthcoming and told me that they just didn't do that in his family growing up. So you might want to ask her family if they exchanged gifts and find out if she gives her siblings on their birthdays and stuff like that. That might help put it into some context. I'd be pretty pissed off if I found out she bought everybody else gifts except you. But you're correct that it puts you in an awkward position about asking for a gift. If you find out you're the only one she feels just entitled to receive from but not give to, I would certainly peel it way back on anything you give her. And I would take that money and buy myself something nice like a new rod and reel.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

romantic_dreamer said:


> If I tell her that I want to get a gift from her ...


ONCE AGAIN ... I'm not saying you should ASK her to give you a gift. I'm suggesting that you ask her WHY she doesn't feel gift giving for the occasions you mentioned isn't important.



romantic_dreamer said:


> But I still do not understand why I cannot be upset about something that bothering me? not getting a gift from the woman I love for you may be normal or nuance, but for me it is a pain.


AND ONCE AGAIN ... I did NOT tell you that you cannot be upset. Did I say that? No. Here's the thing: You keep reading things into responses that aren't there. But here's something else to consider: If this is causing you enough pain to vent to online strangers, perhaps you should approach your wife. And quit arguing with everyone here as to why you can't approach her. 

If you are in as much "pain" as you claim, talk with her or live with the pain. Or you can keep venting here. Whatever ....


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I really don't like to see when someone is such a giver and they pair up with such a taker, but it's not that rare. I've certainly heard tons of women make this same complaint about their husbands. Sometimes I think it's because people who are big givers, similar to people who are just really forgiving and tolerant, attract people who are more like users and those people cling on because many wouldn't put up with it.


We are both "givers" and "takers". She has scarified for me and has given me in life more than any other woman gas given to her man.



DownByTheRiver said:


> So to begin with, I'm assuming she has her own money so that she could buy you something without having to ask you for money for it?


We do not have "my" money and "her" money. We always had our money including 15 years when she was SAHM and I was sole breadwinner



DownByTheRiver said:


> The problem now is that you've let it go on too long. I think most people would have complained right away and said something like, seriously, you didn't get anything for me? Or they would have realized it's not that important to the person and just stopped giving. Because sometimes that is true.
> 
> An old boyfriend of mine was startled when I bought him a small birthday present. He was forthcoming and told me that they just didn't do that in his family growing up. So you might want to ask her family if they exchanged gifts and find out if she gives her siblings on their birthdays and stuff like that. That might help put it into some context. I'd be pretty pissed off if I found out she bought everybody else gifts except you. But you're correct that it puts you in an awkward position about asking for a gift. If you find out you're the only one she feels just entitled to receive from but not give to, I would certainly peel it way back on anything you give her. And I would take that money and buy myself something nice like a new rod and reel.


I do many things for her including giving her gifts because I love her from my heart. She is everything to me, I can't imagine a moment of my life without her. I do not do this to gain leverage or to expect her to "pay me back".


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

romantic_dreamer said:


> She has scarified for me and has given me in life more than any other woman gas given to her man.


Wow that’s quite a statement.

I guess it excludes Valentine’s Day cards though.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

romantic_dreamer said:


> You BOTH do not give each other a gift. This is I think is fundamental difference. Would you really not give your husband anything, not even a card if he gives you very thoughtful gift?
> 
> 
> I am not obviously going to ruin our marriage because of not getting a gift. I love her and nothing will ever shutter this. But I am genuinely upset and I do not think I am wrong in being upset.


No, you're definitely NOT wrong, I'm glad you're feeling your feelings and not shutting it down. Sorry if I came across that way. I guess you're going to have to keep telling her what you expect. She seems to need constant reminders. I think you have to accept that. I know it may be slightly disappointing, but...it is what it is.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Wow that’s quite a statement.
> 
> I guess it excludes Valentine’s Day cards though.


The fact she never gave me a card or a love note does not diminish what she has done for me in life, how much she sacrificed for me, how much she supported, cheered me, how much she loves me. I value this a lot and I sincerely consider myself the luckiest man in universe.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> She does not spend money, I do. She loves very much all my gifts, not just for value but because I give them to her as sign of my love for her. *She wears all jewelry, *shoes and bags, she looks fantastic in them and she got zillion complements from her colleagues, our friends and some times just strangers.
> 
> I personally do not need any material gifts so it is not a matter of money.


you are a lucky guy.
One thing that pissed *me *off...i would buy her fairly expensive jewelry for presents. she would wear it once, and that is the last i would ever see of it.

it drove me nuts. kind of like $300+ down the drain...i wanted to see her WEARING it. 

i wonder if it ended up at the pawn shop or something! LOL

for the last decade at least, i will ONLY buy her costume jewelry. if she does not wear the expensive stuff i bought, she does not deserve new pieces!


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> you are a lucky guy.
> One thing that pissed *me *off...i would buy her fairly expensive jewelry for presents. she would wear it once, and that is the last i would ever see of it.
> 
> it drove me nuts. kind of like $300+ down the drain...i wanted to see her WEARING it.
> ...


I only gave her diamond and pearl jewelry. She wears rings and necklaces every day (not all at once), bracelets she does not wear to work, she said she cannot type in them. Earning she no longer wears, she said it bothers her so I did not give her earnings last 15 years or so. For our 25 th anniversary together we celebrated this month I had a diamond ring specifically designed for her.
Besides jewelry I give her designer clothes, bags or shoes (Christian Louboutin, Manolo Blahnik, Prada are her favorite brands), she looks amazing in them. Though each of them probably cost more than my entire wardrobe, every time she puts them on, I literally catch my breath. We have our own kinky tradition. When I give her new shoes she does private demo for me nude. The best show I have seen!

Important part is that while she is very grateful for all my gifts she does not expect or ever asked for anything from me. I know if I give her a card or another thoughtful but almost no nominal value gift she would be as happy and as grateful as for the designer bag I gave her few years ago that costs as much as the car I am driving.

She said her most priced possession is the first gift I gave her before we even became a couple - a small stuffed animal. She always keeps it on her nightstand and she said if there is ever fire after ensuring everyone is safe this is the only thing she would take with her.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> you are a lucky guy.
> One thing that pissed *me *off...i would buy her fairly expensive jewelry for presents. she would wear it once, and that is the last i would ever see of it.
> 
> it drove me nuts. kind of like $300+ down the drain...i wanted to see her WEARING it.
> ...


My wife has specific likes and dislikes in jewelry, perfume. So, I just take her to the jewelry counter/store and have her select/try on what she wants. All of her jewelry is gold, gems, no costume. She wears all of it (at different times). Early in our marriage, on my own bought her an expensive gold watch for anniversary. She isn't a watch person, so it has been in the safe deposit box for decades. Perfume, she tells me the specific brand, type, quantity. And she uses all of it (at different times).

In my mind it is no different than if she were to buy me a pocket knife. Having a specific brand and type that I use, anything else the thought would be appreciated, but it would probably stay in the drawer unused.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> It is important holiday for us. We always celebrate it, I always give her some romantic gift. she is always grateful to me for this, so it is not that she does not care.
> 
> We are very passionate and affectionate people. We celebrate all important dates for us.
> 
> ...


How was she raised? Was it mostly a female house? Did your Dad shower her mother and her with gifts? Perhaps she is used to being the "lady" and expects a man to do these things cause she's used to it and in her mind, the man is supposed to cherish the woman. Nothing wrong with that, I kind of like a woman like that....a girly girl.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Mybabysgotit said:


> How was she raised? Was it mostly a female house? Did your Dad shower her mother and her with gifts? Perhaps she is used to being the "lady" and expects a man to do these things cause she's used to it and in her mind, the man is supposed to cherish the woman. Nothing wrong with that, I kind of like a woman like that....a girly girl.


Her parents had rather loveless marriage with no fights but no affection or passion. Neither of them gave any gifts to each other, her Dad never brought flowers to her Mom, they never held hands or kissed. But they were good parents and my wife had very good relationship with both of them especially her Mom. I had good relationship with both of them either.

My parents did fight sometimes but were affectionate to each other some times. They did kiss and they did give gifts to each other but not always. There were some very special gifts my Dad gave to my mom. My parents' marriage is far from what our marriage is, but they survived together and soon will be celebrating their 50th anniversary. My wife also has wonderful relationship with my parents, they treat her as their own daughter.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I only gave her diamond and pearl jewelry. She wears rings and necklaces every day (not all at once), bracelets she does not wear to work, she said she cannot type in them. Earning she no longer wears, she said it bothers her so I did not give her earnings last 15 years or so. For our 25 th anniversary together we celebrated this month I had a diamond ring specifically designed for her.
> Besides jewelry I give her designer clothes, bags or shoes (Christian Louboutin, Manolo Blahnik, Prada are her favorite brands), she looks amazing in them. Though each of them probably cost more than my entire wardrobe, every time she puts them on, I literally catch my breath. We have our own kinky tradition. When I give her new shoes she does private demo for me nude. The best show I have seen!
> 
> Important part is that while she is very grateful for all my gifts she does not expect or ever asked for anything from me. I know if I give her a card or another thoughtful but almost no nominal value gift she would be as happy and as grateful as for the designer bag I gave her few years ago that costs as much as the car I am driving.
> ...


She has very expensive tastes.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> She has very expensive tastes.


Yes. But she is absolutely worth them. Sometimes I really think those designers designs these fancy shoes and dresses specifically for her. I never seen any model or anyone in these shoes and dresses who looks as beautiful she is. 

And I said she never asked or expected anything from me. I gave her all those gifts myself as show of my love for her. It is the best money spent in my life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Yes. But she is absolutely worth them. Sometimes I really think those designers designs these fancy shoes and dresses specifically for her. I never seen any model or anyone in these shoes and dresses who looks as beautiful she is.
> 
> And I said she never asked or expected anything from me. I gave her all those gifts myself as show of my love for her. It is the best money spent in my life.


That's because gifts are your love language and you are rich. 
It's also lovely that you find her attractive as many husbands do with their wives.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> That's because gifts are your love language and you are rich.


Gifts are part of my love language. So are actions and physical connection. I cook her breakfast in bed, I pack her launch every day she goes to office. If there is anything she needs I will get it for her. but I also need physical connection. I kiss her many times a day, I can even slip my hand behind her dress to squeegee her boobs when kids are not around. Sex is also very important to us. I cannot love her fully without sexual intimacy.

I am not that rich. It is just very important for me to give her gifts. I can give her designer bag that costs thousands of dollars but I drive 15 old car, my most expensive shoes I have are $60, I only had one suit my entire life.



Diana7 said:


> It's also lovely that you find her attractive as many husbands do with their wives.


Yes, she is beautiful and very sexy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Gifts are part of my love language. So are actions and physical connection. I cook her breakfast in bed, I pack her launch every day she goes to office. If there is anything she needs I will get it for her. but I also need physical connection. I kiss her many times a day, I can even slip my hand behind her dress to squeegee her boobs when kids are not around. Sex is also very important to us. I cannot love her fully without sexual intimacy.
> 
> I am not that rich. It is just very important for me to give her gifts. I can give her designer bag that costs thousands of dollars but I drive 15 old car, my most expensive shoes I have are $60, I only had one suit my entire life.
> 
> ...


To you of course she is beautiful and that's as it should be. 
To be fair if you can afford thousands on one gift and you give her many such gifts you are rich. You just choose to use your riches on her. 
Yes acts of service is another love language you have, which is why you do those acts for her. 
Please get that book and read it together. You will both hopefully benefit from it.


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