# Being sexually available to our husbands...



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

This is confusing for me because it seems as if some men, many men even would love this- for their SO to always be sexually available to them.
But lately in my marriage, I get the feeling that, when it's MY idea, or I start talking about it, getting excited, etc..nothing happens. 

I almost have to act aloof & like I'm not that interested in order to spark his desire.
THAT is SOOO frustrating. I cannot explain how hard that goes against my grain. I'm a thoroughly sexual person & to act like I don't care, sucks arse. Ugh.

I'm just frustrated right now. I guess I'm venting, but what's the deal?
I understand the 'hard to get' dynamic, but even in marriage? I guess getting married doesn't change what works for a person.

I mean, I'm not 'laying on the bed spread eagle at all times easy,' haha, but, if he wants something I WANT to give it to him. 
And sometimes I would like that same treatment. 
I hold back mentioning things I want because chances are, 
it won't happen for a long while & I'll wind up feeling like a loser.

So what do you think is the best thing a woman could do in this case?
(for those that are familiar with my 'naked' thread here, what's going on right now doesn't help my situation at all!) grrrr....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> This is confusing for me because it seems as if some men, many men even would love this- for their SO to always be sexually available to them.
> But lately in my marriage, I get the feeling that, when it's MY idea, or I start talking about it, getting excited, etc..nothing happens.
> 
> I almost have to act aloof & like I'm not that interested in order to spark his desire.
> ...


Don't know if this helps you in any way but I am 55 and I am always ready for my wife and love it when she initiates.

Even if I've got the hump with her and I'm determined to punish her I can't resist her advances. And she knows it!

The only thing that limits me is the longer refractory (or whatever it's called)period. I do struggle with more than a couple of times a day. My motto as I've got older is do it properly once and it stays done.

So I'm at a loss as to why your hubby is reticent about this. Is he deeply religious and views it as sin or something?

Is it possible he has medical problems?
Maybe try some kind of counselling if he would agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Karma, 
Repeat after me: It isn't fair, but it is the hand I've drawn. 

I have no idea why an emotionally and sexually reserved posture is a big turn on to me. At least until we 'start'. 

Maybe this is lame but the reserved than crazily sexual makes for a contrast that seems really hot to me. 

Try a game. Resist him a little. See what happens. 

Sorry for you, I know this is difficult.


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Thanks guys...I know it works with him, being reserved at first & not talking about sex too much, etc..I have done that- then let it all out during, after HE initiates, which is always great for both of us.
Oh & no he isn't religious, no issues we know of- but he should get his t levels checked because lately he's not feeling it. 
I just wish I could be myself & not have to pretend & play games to get him interested. That sounds so pathetic!
He told me the other day his drive is low right now, (work, coaching, commuting, etc..)so basically I figure, I'm at his mercy. 
I can't MAKE him excited/hard & when he's not feeling it, I feel awful about trying to coerce him to want me & to be sexual at all.
Can't do that. 
So I'm waiting it out & trying to be as loving & supportive as possible. 
I can't lie though, it makes me feel VERY crappy & undesirable, even though he told me it's not me at all. : /
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

karma,

I'm 50 and would kill for my wife to intiate more! As I've told her (and posted here) I'm ready to go even if I have a fresh gunshot wound (as long as the flow of blood has slowed)

Unfortunately, if anything is to happen, it's pretty much on my shoulders. Yeah, it sucks but I guess we have to live with it


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> Thanks guys...I know it works with him, being reserved at first & not talking about sex too much, etc..I have done that- then let it all out during, after HE initiates, which is always great for both of us.
> Oh & no he isn't religious, no issues we know of- but he should get his t levels checked because lately he's not feeling it.
> I just wish I could be myself & not have to pretend & play games to get him interested. That sounds so pathetic!
> He told me the other day his drive is low right now, (work, coaching, commuting, etc..)so basically I figure, I'm at his mercy.
> ...


1. YES YOU CAN!!! 

Now I'm not saying it's great, but still.

I've never understood husbands who say no. You have a woman raring to go and you say no?!?! :scratchhead::scratchhead:

Anyway. Good luck. Have you tried being "creative"? Like massage his legs after coaching and "accidentally" let you hands go up his shorts but not do anything aside from a brush of the area a few times. Then walk away. I'm sorry any man should get "going" with stuff like that. It's the subtle initiations sometimes that work the best. Your husband would be required to initiate, but you actually started the ball rolling.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Different strokes for different folks. My wife gets very aggressive and lewd. She would say things like " I gonna $uck your $%&k" and then grab it. She would wear kinky outfits at unexpected times.(We have no kids so I guess it makes it easier for spontaneity) That gets the ball rolling even if sex is the furthest thing from my mind.

I'm not saying to try this exactly but do something out of the ordinary to spark his interest. Think outside of the box and make a bold move to surprise him.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Upper body strength training seems to boost my t levels. Does he workout like that? 

This is identical to the advice I give to hd male posters:

Creating a pervasive, highly sexualized vibe with a lower drive partner is a train wreck. It creates an emotional hot house.

My W keeps the temp setting between us at a time crisp 65 degrees.

Part of that is this neat but casual look she has, I love that. Informal but very put together. No nail polish, almost no makeup. Hair is done nicely, has that faint vanilla smell from her shampoo.


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

MEM- he does workout. He has a great frickin' body which makes it even harder for me to resist.
As for your advice, are you suggesting I lower my temp? 
I have been creative here & there & will do things 'out of character' as he says & things go great.
It's just that I have to WAIT until HE is ready for us to do it.

I like the idea of a massage with a subtle brush here or there & then leave him alone..
But I could see him just falling asleep instead of getting riled up.
I WANT to get him into it, but feel like I shouldn't have to try so hard...in a perfect world right?

I'm an attractive woman, but being in this situation, I start to question myself, 
even though I shouldn't- this is maybe just a phase but I like to think that I'm so desirable that he always wants me, ha!
Totally unrealistic, I know, but I can dream! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

* for clarification- he does not suggest that I should do things out of character, but when I choose to, we both have fun
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## leopardprint (Sep 10, 2012)

Have you considered that maybe your sexual language is different?

Some men like women who are forward and take initiative. For others, the same thing is a turn off for them. Some men enjoy the "chase" and want to pursue their women, even if it is their wife. 

Maybe find a compromise? You can say you're in the mood and let him know to initiate something? Sounds odd but maybe it's just a matter of speaking the same language?


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> But *lately *in my marriage, I get the feeling that, when it's MY idea, or I start talking about it, getting excited, etc..nothing happens.


So it wasn't always this way? What has changed "lately"?

I wonder if it's one of those situations where a guy is HD and wants sex 27 times a day, but when he gets it consistently, he actually *isn't* as HD as he thinks he is and would be satisfied with a few times a week.


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Our sexual language could be becoming different..what has changed is that he has taken on too much, doesn't get good sleep because his wheels turn too much & stress takes over.
So now, naturally, he's not into it so much & I feel like his other obligations have taken priority over me/our marriage.:/
I know it sounds so selfish. I am supportive with him, but just venting & looking for support here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

* I mean I sound so selfish! Not him..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

karma*girl said:


> Thanks guys...I know it works with him, being reserved at first & not talking about sex too much, etc..I have done that- then let it all out during, after HE initiates, which is always great for both of us.
> Oh & no he isn't religious, no issues we know of- but he should get his t levels checked because lately he's not feeling it.
> I just wish I could be myself & not have to pretend & play games to get him interested. That sounds so pathetic!
> He told me the other day his drive is low right now, (work, coaching, commuting, etc..)so basically I figure, I'm at his mercy.
> ...


Geez.. I've been in this position, and after awhile in my case it was just simply being passive aggressive.

I often wondered why it was more acceptable for a woman to be reactively aroused than a man. 

I often wonder why a man can't let himself be aroused, and learn how to deal with stress so it doesn't kill his sex drive, and why the same situation for a woman is to encourage them to realise their share in the intimacy?

Why do we accept "suck it up" when a guy will only have sex when he initiates?

Why can't a man learn to let himself be aroused, just as a woman would?


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

AMEN to that! ^^^ Wow!

I've been thinking the exact same things. He told me that he was hesitant to even do anything affectionate because he didn't want it to escalate. Wth.
I feel like I'm stuck & can't do anything about it. If I try to start anything, he'll resent it because he already explained he's NOT up for it..so I wait & have to be patient.
I can do that..I just pray it doesn't become a normal thing for him to fall into.

But you're right- women are encouraged to use lube & just go with it- my man wants nothing to do with sex if he personally is not feeling it. I respect him & his wishes- I just have to put myself on the back-burner & wait it out....sigh.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Naw, he should be getting the same advice.
He should be addressing the REAL issues that are keeping him from a full intimate relationship.
Shouldn't he???


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

deejov said:


> Geez.. I've been in this position, and after awhile in my case it was just simply being passive aggressive.


I've been in sexless marriage and my husband absolutely was PA. There were things in our dynamic that he didn't like and it turned him off.

These days he will let me turn him on even when stressed or tired. Took MC and a whole lot of work on my part to get here though. This wasn't fixed overnight.


----------



## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> This is confusing for me because it seems as if some men, many men even would love this- for their SO to always be sexually available to them.
> But lately in my marriage, I get the feeling that, when it's MY idea, or I start talking about it, getting excited, etc..nothing happens.
> 
> I almost have to act aloof & like I'm not that interested in order to spark his desire.
> ...


I could have written this post today. After a LONG dry spell on my part, I finally decided it isn't fair to withhold sex from my husband, no matter what. So I came back with a bang. Two recent escapades involved me tying him up and having my way with him, which he totally enjoyed, and watching porn with him while tending to "him". That, among other things, made me think I have REALLY put in an effort to not be this stagnant wife that just lays there..... I love sex too, and I told him that he wasn't fulfilling me sexually and he had to step it up. Basically, I wanted more flirting during the day. I wanted to feel like he desired me and wasn't just trying to squeeze in a quickie. After my efforts, I thought I would be repaid. NOPE. Saturday we had NO kids, which never happens. I probably should have cleaned the house (if you read my recent post you know what i'm talking about) but instead, I primped myself and got all cute for him. Guess what? He was so pissed about the house not being clean he didn't even try to put a move on me. So then I told him how it wasn't fair and blah blah blah, so he tackles me.....AFTER I said something. It wasn't spectacular, given the circumstances, so I thought he would make it up to me last night. Nope. Didn't lay a finger on me. Instead, I laid in bed sexually frustrated for two hours then finally just passed out. I told him this morning, do NOT come asking me for a BJ or a quickie at the last minute when the kids are running rampant and I have a billion things to do. It's not fair. Oh, he had NO PROBLEM initiating CONSTANTLY when I just wasn't feeling it. Now I got my groove back and he expects me to do all the work, unless of course, it's a quickie before work. Sorry but that's just not happening. I am willing to get as freaky as he wants and I am willing to do quickies when he wants but ONLY if he puts in some effort too. I'm now just going to put in the amount of effort he puts in. Doesn't matter right now anyways as I feel an infection coming on (damn pregnancy)......


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

He totally should, I agree! He told me yesterday that it's just part of life, which is somewhat true..stress happens & can affect us.
I said, so basically all of those other things are higher priority..he said he HAS to do those things!

But me, he doesn't HAVE to do..in terms of sex. He said it's not that important. Damn. I feel like such a guy because sex is love to me.
I got pretty upset & he felt really bad. I don't cry very much, so it means something when I do.

He did tell me that he thinks we should carve more time for eachother a couple times a week, to connect..so I can say he feels guilty & wants to try to make me happy.
He took me out last night- wined me, dined me, but did not 69 me...

Honestly, I rather be intimate often than anything else, but I do appreciate what he offers right now & tell him... I've also been trying to NOT be clingy or upset at all.
That's why I'm totally unloading here & not on him. More pressure will push the man away, I know it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

I think our guys are the kind that NEED that chase, right!? 
Seems like once we show interest, it's not that enticing anymore. Ugh!
I'm so irritated! 
kl- I have strongly identified with many of your posts..I'm sorry we are in this boat, but it feels a little better knowing we aren't alone!

Marriage counseling could be in order, although, I feel like in general things are fundamentally good.
Sometimes our communication really misses the mark.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *leopardprint said*: Some men like women who are forward and take initiative. For others, the same thing is a turn off for them. Some men enjoy the "chase" and want to pursue their women, even if it is their wife.


I've noticed many men talk like that, they LOVE subtle but not aggressive....it only puts them under pressure. 



> *Karma*girl said*: Our sexual language could be becoming different..what has changed is that he has taken on too much, doesn't get good sleep because his wheels turn too much & stress takes over.
> So now, naturally, he's not into it so much & I feel like his other obligations have taken priority over me/our marriage.:/
> I know it sounds so selfish. I am supportive with him, but just venting & looking for support here


I don't feel you are selfish at all -I am guessing you are in your Sexual Prime & feeling like a young man -gotta have it, want it , antsy for it NOW ..... and just starting to feel his rejection...or his "just not needing it" ....I tend to believe women are meant to be the "*Objects of desire*" ....so this would take a huge emotional & relational toll on women. We want to feel our mens *Lust* for us. It doesn't seem the normal order of things. 

When I was high high drive (3 yrs ago)... if my husband brushed me off & didn't have an appreciation for how I was feeling ....after the very Creative lengths I went to turn him on (I enjoyed that though )....I made sure he ate healthy, we exercised together, made sure he got enough sleep- if we had friends over too late, I'd excuse him... even got his Test checked, bending over backwards to get every drop of his drive..... After all that, if he brushed me off, It just wouldn't have been too pretty. 

But ya know.....he's always been the type that wants the darn woman to come after him (so not the norm), never cared for "the Chase" either in his youth... he'd told me that never did anything for him. So this is one plus for us.... he's told me coming on "aggressively" is equally as much a turn on as "Subtle". So yeah... men are differnet here. 

Bummer , I did a thread on "*THE CHASE*" -how men felt about this....seems overwhelmingly most men are like this....just remembering the posts .....they got that predator spirit in them...it makes them feel ultra MANLY to capture their women, arouse her from nothing & bring her to her knees, it ups the ALPHA in them or something... anyway, so many men responded like this, I was starting to feel my husband sounded pretty strange and I upped & deleted the thing! WIsh I would have kept it now.


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

deejov said:


> Why can't a man learn to let himself be aroused, just as a woman would?


Well, some of us do....


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *deejov said*: I often wonder why a man can't let himself be aroused, and learn how to deal with stress so it doesn't kill his sex drive, and why the same situation for a woman is to encourage them to realise their share in the intimacy?
> 
> Why do we accept "suck it up" when a guy will only have sex when he initiates?
> 
> Why can't a man learn to let himself be aroused, just as a woman would?


 If they are good husbands, they absolutely SHOULD...and then there is ....Viagra. 

My husband is a great example of this, I even caused the man some "Performance Pressure" and he still insisted I come to him. I did a thread on how I personally feel about this issue... for both sides ,it was born out of one of our little spats WISHING he had a HIGHER sex drive than me....sometimes that alone would get me down... but really I can't complain - cause he's always been tremendously giving in this area. 

If your husband could just get enough sleep, lower the Stress a little , then if you are willing to be there when he is most ready to go (often mornings are ideal for men- set your alarm !!)...and get a handle on this....it could bring you both to a great place, sounds like he is taking on too much right now. 








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...allowing-our-partner-turn-us-love-making.html


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

*Thank you, SA! I wish that thread was still around
I understand the 'push-pull' dynamic with men & women. I almost never go at him aggressively, it's more like hinting around, talking about what I WANT to try or do to him, etc... even as mild as that, he doesn't respond well.
I swear, it's like I have to be almost pissy or give him a hard time about it & then it seems he wants it.
The old, ' want what you can't have' bit. 
I thought that was for dating- guess not!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wait wat? SA, you should re-write that thread!!!!
It's important!

Ne ways aggressive isn't always bad. My wife can be rather aggressive but I don't have a problem with that -> it's being DEMANDING that kinda kills the desire however.


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

RD- you probably have awesome insight with this! Your wife is super high drive, right?
I only want it every couple days, but would not complain if he wanted me every day..
I know yours is much more HD, but still.
From your shoes, what would your advice be to me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

SA...I am reading thru your other link..thank you!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, SA covered everything I wanted to say pretty well

She's right that for some men, it's all about the thrill of the hunt. We want to be the predators, we want the challenge. I don't really understand the whole "being sexually available in marriage" thing. I believe in maintaining the flirts/teases/game that builds up desire IN marriage.

I never ask for sex, that's just not my style of initiating and it seems like this is a problem that many men have. For me, marriage doesn't mean one is obligated to put out, one still has to make their spouse interested. Hence I've never had a problem getting sex from any women in the past.

For me I'd rather my wife become more sexually unavailable as that presents a challenge for me. I'd admit I'm also rather fond of fights as it gives me a challenge to get back into her pants, have to dodge the bullets to even get close which I find thrilling - though we haven't had a real fight for ages.

It can be seen as a game and many would say that this is for newly initiated couples not for married ones. But I disagree, I still enjoy the flirting, the teases, building up my wife's desire. And I only wish that she realises that too. The thing is though, she knows EXACTLY what to do, she just can't be f--ked and then expects me to follow through... bah! lol

We are human beings and our sexual triggers can't be controlled via willpower. As much as I love my wife if she doesn't build up my desire I will simply not be in the mood no matter what I tell my brain. SA is blessed that she has a man who appreciates a woman like her.

But not all men are like her husband, and perhaps, most aren't. Anyways here's a thread where I posted some suggestions that could help: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/55479-forgotten-how-initiate-sex.html

Especially this post: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/1053515-post9.html
Gives you an idea of how easy it can actually be, as long as one changes one's attitude towards teasing and the game. I complain a sh-tload yet at the same time I am actually quite easily triggered and turned on as long as the RIGHT buttons are pushed.


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

RD- Thank you so much for your insight
I'm going to take some time & run through that thread you posted! 
Hope it helps!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Anytime, I've hoped I've helped too


----------



## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Karma, I don't have an HD wife so this may not apply. But for me, when I have difficulty, it is not about the chase, it is about control.


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Wow, rj, I NEVER thought of it that way. I could actually see that playing a part in my situation.
If you can, will you please elaborate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Karma, 
First thing in the morning. Tell him you noticed he was walking a bit 'off', day before. Give him an upper thigh massage and don't accidentally brush anything. 5 minutes and then get up and go about your day. Not a word about sex.

And just in general, cut out all sexual references in conversation


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Good idea MEM
In fact, last night, he was being his usual, jokey self, even in sexual terms, although he didn't intend to DO anything sexual & I completely ignored it. 
It definitely took him by surprise!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> He told me that he was hesitant to even do anything affectionate because he didn't want it to escalate. Wth.
> 
> *Sounds like my wife! She hesitates to do any type of what I would consider non-sexual touching because she's afraid it will lead to sex! She'll only do this stuff when she has her period!*
> 
> ...


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

kl84 said:


> I could have written this post today. After a LONG dry spell on my part, I finally decided it isn't fair to withhold sex from my husband, no matter what. So I came back with a bang. Two recent escapades involved me tying him up and having my way with him, which he totally enjoyed, and watching porn with him while tending to "him". That, among other things, made me think I have REALLY put in an effort to not be this stagnant wife that just lays there..... I love sex too, and I told him that he wasn't fulfilling me sexually and he had to step it up. Basically, I wanted more flirting during the day. I wanted to feel like he desired me and wasn't just trying to squeeze in a quickie. After my efforts, I thought I would be repaid. NOPE. Saturday we had NO kids, which never happens. I probably should have cleaned the house (if you read my recent post you know what i'm talking about) but instead, I primped myself and got all cute for him. Guess what? He was so pissed about the house not being clean he didn't even try to put a move on me. So then I told him how it wasn't fair and blah blah blah, so he tackles me.....AFTER I said something. It wasn't spectacular, given the circumstances, so I thought he would make it up to me last night. Nope. Didn't lay a finger on me. Instead, I laid in bed sexually frustrated for two hours then finally just passed out. I told him this morning, do NOT come asking me for a BJ or a quickie at the last minute when the kids are running rampant and I have a billion things to do. It's not fair. Oh, he had NO PROBLEM initiating CONSTANTLY when I just wasn't feeling it. Now I got my groove back and he expects me to do all the work, unless of course, it's a quickie before work. Sorry but that's just not happening. I am willing to get as freaky as he wants and I am willing to do quickies when he wants but ONLY if he puts in some effort too. I'm now just going to put in the amount of effort he puts in. Doesn't matter right now anyways as I feel an infection coming on (damn pregnancy)......


 Sorry!

Heck, as far as I am concerned, I could be living in one of those houses you see in Hoarders - Buried Alive and I still wouldn't care if my wife was looking to be with me as much as you and Karma are!

As I said earlier, it's apparent I married the wrong woman!


----------



## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> Wow, rj, I NEVER thought of it that way. I could actually see that playing a part in my situation.
> If you can, will you please elaborate?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a bit outside my comfort zone, as it may just seem silly and just a jedi mind trick. Again my W is not HD and rarely initiates. But when she gets a bit physical outside the bedroom, it doesn't arouse me, its no longer my decision & it creates some anxiety even though I have yet to have any performance issues. But if she gives me a little show, then the decision to initiate is still mine. By little show, I mean changing her shirt in front of me letting me catch a glimpse, but not being too obvious. Or certain tops with no bra & yawning/stretching, where the pointy things are obvious. And last, but certainly not least is certain shorts or panties the give just a glimpse of what she knows is my absolute favorite part. But since there are no spoken words or overt actions, I still "believe" I am in control & it is my decision to pursue or not. You could still interpret that as just the "thrill of the chase", being the hunter vs. hunted. It could also be wishful thinking on my part, as again she is not HD.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Karma,
In my case (my own experiences) and Mavash too... it was a case of being passive aggressive. That might be different than just wanting to "chase" but sometimes there is a fine line.

And RandomDude helped me in the past, learning how to not be so aggressive, and other fun tips. 

And that was how I came to conclusion that there was MORE going on than just that. He had resentment about not getting his way all the time, and a bunch of other issues. Those issues were HIS, but I chose to enforce "don't make your problems my problems".

All I mean is sometimes there is a deeper issue going on than just wanting to chase. Sometimes it's PA just to say no and it has NOTHING to do with you, directly. It's not a rating of your attractiveness, or whether or not you are able to arouse him.

That takes understanding, on your part. 
The reason WHY is what matters. And what he is doing about it.
There are many causes of why a man would be PA about sex, most of them are related to his self confidence. 

You can help him with his self confidence, and the rest will be up to him. 

I also heard "it's not important to me" and I packed my bags and left for awhile. I was so stunned by that phrase.
My answer was similar to "you cannot say something is NOT important to you when it's so important if it happens with another person that the marriage ends". ( I didn't invent it, heard it from a friend).

Somehow you have to get through to him that how important it is to you, or nothing will change.


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

rj & deejov, you've both given me lots to think about, thank you!

Both of your POV are very interesting & you highlight areas that I really never considered.

He tends to be PA for sure & it sure is annoying. I always wish he'd be straight-forward, as I am.

Our communication could be amazing without all that BS.

Anyhow, thank you again...I feel like I have more to work with now & that is encouraging!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> Our sexual language could be becoming different..what has changed is that he has taken on too much, doesn't get good sleep because his wheels turn too much & stress takes over.
> So now, naturally, he's not into it so much & I feel like his other obligations have taken priority over me/our marriage.:/
> I know it sounds so selfish. I am supportive with him, but just venting & looking for support here
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know where he is coming from with the stress though.

I work at an airport and some time ago I needed to cross the runway to attend to a fault on our radar installation.
Due to a mix up between me and air traffic control I crossed the runway when I shouldn't have. There was an aircraft inbound but it was still a mile or two away.
Anyway a mandatory occurence report was sent to the Civil Aviation Authority. I was stressed out about the possibility of being hauled over the coals by the CAA but even worse was the fact that I had made a mistake, I am very precise with my job (I have to be) and this just stewed and stewed over and over in my mind.
And yes sex took a back seat for a week or two.


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

^^ totally understandable! ^^
Thank you for sharing that- good to have perspective!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> This is confusing for me because it seems as if some men, many men even would love this- for their SO to always be sexually available to them.
> But lately in my marriage, I get the feeling that, when it's MY idea, or I start talking about it, getting excited, etc..nothing happens.
> 
> I almost have to act aloof & like I'm not that interested in order to spark his desire.
> ...


Schedule it and see if he has no problem being interested every time. If he does then I have a theory. He may be watching porn and helping him self so sometimes you initiate, is when he could not perform.


----------



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> She's right that for some men, it's all about the thrill of the hunt. We want to be the predators, we want the challenge. I don't really understand the whole "being sexually available in marriage" thing. I believe in maintaining the flirts/teases/game that builds up desire IN marriage.
> 
> Especially this post: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/1053515-post9.html
> Gives you an idea of how easy it can actually be, as long as one changes one's attitude towards teasing and the game. I complain a sh-tload yet at the same time I am actually quite easily triggered and turned on as long as the RIGHT buttons are pushed.



RandomDude,
How could I modify this to use with an LD husband? Due to different sleep schedules, I don't get the chance to dress or undress in front of him. And my breasts are not really assets worth showing anymore let's just say. I'm not sure how 'look but can't touch' works when he doesn't have the urge to touch (he usually only likes sex after it is started)? Obvious flirting or approaching him and touching or kissing would make him feel pressured and gets a negative reaction. He does want to be in control of when it happens. I'm definitely too available but his initiations are so infrequent that I'd hate to turn him down. Any ideas?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> My wife can be rather aggressive but I don't have a problem with that -> it's being DEMANDING that kinda kills the desire however.





> SA is blessed that she has a man who appreciates a woman like her.


That was a GREAT post you did RD !!!

I am guilty of being like your wife at times.... my HIGH drive spell was W I C K E D... there was no way in hell I could have been subtle... I could never be matched with a man who didn't appreciate a little aggressiveness... I'd feel completely "caged".

My husband is not the norm. I am like the guy, I am the one who starts the fights... I LOVE a little challenge. 

In the interest of a little more insight ~~ here is a *LOVER STYLE TEST *... 

******* | Take The Lover Style Profile Test .....(At the end of this test, you do not need to join this site to get results). 


Results could be : 

*1*. *the Classic Lover*
*2*. *the Exotic Lover *
*3*. *the Suave Lover *
*4*. *the Carnal Lover *
*5*. *the Devoted Lover *
*6*. *the Surprising Lover *
*7.* *the Romantic Lover *
*8.* *the Liberated Lover*

For instance in our Marriage.... I was found the Sauve Lover - the Don Jaun ....and my husband was the "Devoted". When you take this test, it will tell you what lover style is best matched for yours.... Ours was a perfect match .... even IF most men are the Don Jauns and surely more women are the Devoteds.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> 1. YES YOU CAN!!!
> 
> Now I'm not saying it's great, but still.
> 
> ...


Then you haven't thought very much about 

a) performance anxiety or

b) control issues.

Some guys just like being in charge of sex. It's that simple.

Perhaps the best way to deal with it is "you start thing up as often as you want...and make sure it's *often!*"

That lets him know he's in charge but you wouldn't mind a little more action.

As far as pump priming...well, that's a doctor thing.


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Kari said:


> RandomDude,
> How could I modify this to use with an LD husband? Due to different sleep schedules, I don't get the chance to dress or undress in front of him. And my breasts are not really assets worth showing anymore let's just say. I'm not sure how 'look but can't touch' works when he doesn't have the urge to touch (he usually only likes sex after it is started)? Obvious flirting or approaching him and touching or kissing would make him feel pressured and gets a negative reaction. He does want to be in control of when it happens. I'm definitely too available but his initiations are so infrequent that I'd hate to turn him down. Any ideas?


Hmmm, now this could be difficult. With your different sleep schedules do you see each other much? Because that is a real strain when you don't. And if you aren't confident with your features, you can try to use others; for example, I'm not a breast person so my wife uses her legs as her seduction tool, keeps them soft, smooth, moisterised, shiny, etc etc

If you can't lure him via intimate attraction, then you may have to rely on push-pull alone. This can be done with teasing touches, touching him everywhere but where he wants it, stroke his thighs, move your hand very close but don't touch his member, etc etc. It's difficult to say no when you want it so much yes - but the restraint can be worth it 

@SA

Haha yeah I remember those tests, she's "liberated" while I'm "suave"


----------



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Hmmm, now this could be difficult. With your different sleep schedules do you see each other much? Because that is a real strain when you don't. And if you aren't confident with your features, you can try to use others; for example, I'm not a breast person so my wife uses her legs as her seduction tool, keeps them soft, smooth, moisterised, shiny, etc etc
> 
> If you can't lure him via intimate attraction, then you may have to rely on push-pull alone. This can be done with teasing touches, touching him everywhere but where he wants it, stroke his thighs, move your hand very close but don't touch his member, etc etc. It's difficult to say no when you want it so much yes - but the restraint can be worth it


Our sleep schedules are not different due to work schedules. We both have occupations where we set our own hours. My H works outside on our land mostly when it is good weather (spring through fall) and works inside in another part of the house in winter. I don't want to be too specific in case anyone I know reads this but let's say he is something like a 'farmer' but not exactly. I work at home and he could walk in my workroom anytime and initiate during the school year (our kids have been in school full time for 4 years), but it never happens. We're both home almost always but still hardly ever actually in the same room except at dinner time. My H just likes staying up 1-2 hours later than I do, and it doesn't occur to him to come to bed early to be with me. This isn't a porn situation - his computer is from the dinosaur age and can't run YouTube or Flash video, he hardly ever touches it, he has no smart phone, and we don't have adult channels on TV. There is no possibility of cheating (he's at home almost always, doesn't spend time on the phone or computer).

He's in his 50's now but this situation has been this way for most of the 20 years I've known him except during the first couple years when we were in our 'infatuation phase'. We have a friendly relationship, no strain or conflict or arguments, I always give him his space and never criticize or nag. He makes most of the decisions (he's not very 'beta') and is the leader in our marriage, so he doesn't feel dominated or smothered or henpecked. He just seems to like me mostly as a close friend and co-parent.

I told him about 15 years ago I'd never say 'no' to him (I'm HD and have to be deathly ill to not be interested) . Maybe I killed things back then by permanently ruining the chase.

I am confident about my body all except for my breasts (which are not attractive anymore for certain reasons). I'm a size 4 just like when we met 20 years ago. I just can't figure out what part of me he might be interested in, if any.

The teasing touches sometimes will work in bed if I wait until he comes to bed at his desired bedtime. He really doesn't like it if I try to entice him to come to bed early (even if I suggest just 'visiting me' for a while) since he like to do his physical therapy exercises and watch TV. But then usually he 'really needs to get some sleep' when he comes to bed at 1 am. Only having sex in bed at night gets boring for me, especially having to wait until a blue moon. In the day, if I start touching him I have to hear about how it's going to rain in a couple days so he has to get all this work done outside before that happens. But when it's raining, there are tons of errands or indoor things that need fixing and he really needs to get to work on them. The idea of sex during the middle of the day seems unappealing to him, his mind is on either work or his hobbies (he spends about 2 hours per day on his hobbies at home).

I'm initiating sometimes nowadays because we agreed we'd try to have sex more because I wanted to try to respark our marriage. The sparks are still relatively rare but fun when they happen. But I went most of 15 years never initiating at all because after the first couple of years, he usually turned me down so I gave up. I just took care of myself. He would initiate once every 3 weeks or so. When I initiate, I can make sex happen more like once a week or even twice. If it happens twice a week, it gets to the point where he is just going thru the motions for my sake and not passionate, this frequency seems to be too often for him to regain his libido and passion in between.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

One thing to not forget is timing.

I can't tell you the number of times that my SO decided that it was time to put on some stockings, incredibly libidinous undergarments and ambushed me...right when I was mentally and physcially engaged in something I was focusing on.

Now, not being an idiot, most times I dropped what I was doing, and left my navel linted, but still, the shift is distressing and while women tend to take anywhere from 15 minutes to an epoch to get into the mood, men don't just need a stiff breeze to go from the Eagles once more being shamed the way they deserve to 'RAWR'.

Also, I'm not so hot on sex in the middle of the day. I like nights and mornings. Unfortunately with kids...well...

So get a good read on what the guy is doing first, do NOT 'jump off a cliff with lingerie (causes performance anxieties '[Oh Damn I absolutely NEED to perform RIGHT THIS MINUTES]) and start with manual and oral to 'prime the pump'.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Kari

Hmmm, how about extending the push/pull mechanic? Instead of using it to get him in the mood only at night, start as early as possible and keep teasing him.


----------

