# Husband is a Social Media Serial Cheater



## Seba01 (May 19, 2020)

I have been married for 20 years. I am not perfect... I have my own personal issues and try to work on them as best as I can. 
Over the last few years, I noticed that my husband has been having conversations with women all over the world. He text, WhatsApp, Facebook these women with flirting conversations. The things he says to them is very surprising because he doesn't say them to me. He calls them sweetheart, darling, ,tells them how he misses them, how good she makes him feel etc. I think he has telephone conversations with some of them. 
I've spoken to him about it but he's still doing it. Just yesterday I saw email conversations he had with a few ladies. 
I don't know what to do. I'm not in love with my husband anymore. I don't trust him. We have two beautiful girls 17 and 14yrs.
Our relationship is boring and empty. 
I need your help. What's next?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Divorce. If you don't love him and he is cheating (yes he is cheating). Then move on with your life. Get your act together quietly talk with an attorney and follow their advice. 

Also start the 180 which it sounds like you might already have done that. https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Well, I suppose what's next is whatever you decide it is. 

Me? I would divorce and be alone rather than deal with the level of disrespect, narcissism, and crazy-making emotional abuse a serial cheater dishes out. But, then, my entire lifetime supply of tolerance for infidelity of any and all types was utterly exhausted by my serial cheating ex-husband. 

So, OP, think about the marriage you have right now. Is it one you want to spend the rest of your life in? If not, then either get busy working on the marriage - this will require your husband's active agreement and participation - or get busy getting your ducks in a row for a divorce. 

Most serial cheaters aren't really interested in changing because they enjoy their lives as-is. If your husband isn't interested in doing the hard work on himself that it will take to completely overhaul your marriage, then that path is already a lost cause. Remaining in a marriage with a serial cheater will require you, for your own sanity, to simply decide you're okay with his serial cheating and let go of the notion that he will change. Stop "catching" him cheating. If you're not planning to leave, stop pain shopping. 

Alternately, if this life isn't one you're willing to tolerate any longer, if you're just exhausted and completely done and want out, then I think it's entirely reasonable to work towards an amicable divorce and reasonably drama-free co-parenting.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma. It seems that he isn't respecting marriage boundaries, and you even gave him a chance to remedy the situation, which I think is a good thing. However, if he's not trying to help the situation, I think there is nothing more you can do. I think you already know the answer. He is seeking something elsewhere, but at least you can say you tried everything, and have no regrets about that.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He isn’t in love with you, and you aren’t in love with him. He’s cheating. There is nothing to save. Sorry you are here, but we can help you through this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What’s next? You move on.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

There is not much here to work with.
Either you both live a charade, or you move on.
Best of luck.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cuff him to the bed when he is asleep, when he wakes up be standing over him in a dominatrix outfit while carrying a flogging instrument or whip. Tell him he's been a bad boy and now it is time to pay......

Or, talk to a lawyer and get your legal ducks in a row to see where you would be sitting in a divorce and make choices that are healthy for you and your daughters.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Divorce him. No brainer on this one... no respect or love. 


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

Divorce him. Whenever cheating is involved it's over.


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## Seba01 (May 19, 2020)

Thank you so much for your counsel and support. I really appreciate your thoughts on my present dilemma. Somehow, I don't feel alone anymore. 
I know it's cheating but don't you think we should try couples' counselling? Is it really too late, no hope for us?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Seba01 said:


> Thank you so much for your counsel and support. I really appreciate your thoughts on my present dilemma. Somehow, I don't feel alone anymore.
> I know it's cheating but don't you think we should try couples' counselling? Is it really too late, no hope for us?


Well let’s see... he didn’t stop even after you found out. You aren’t in love with him. You don’t trust him (as you shouldn’t!). What do you think counseling would change in this situation? His refusal to give up his contact with other women proves his complete disrespect for you. And if he doesn’t want to do the work to change and fix things, you will not be able to do it by yourself. You can’t control him, but you can control you. Is this the life you want for the next 30-40 years? 


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Seba01 said:


> Thank you so much for your counsel and support. I really appreciate your thoughts on my present dilemma. Somehow, I don't feel alone anymore.
> I know it's cheating but don't you think we should try couples' counselling? Is it really too late, no hope for us?


I think you should try whatever you need to so that you can feel you've made the right decision for yourself and your children. By all means, get you and your husband into MC if you feel it's warranted - and you can get him to agree to go. MC may give you some improved communication habits and a few new tools to use within your marriage. Just don't expect MC to magically _fix_ either your marriage _or your husband_. 

If you do pursue MC, please also be aware that saying the right things and doing the right things are not the same. You may find that your husband is entirely willing to _say_ anything to keep you, to promise all the right things. However, in reality he may lack either the will or the want (maybe both) to actually _do_ much of anything on a long-term basis. So while you may see short-term improvements, you should be on the lookout for backsliding and a return to the status quo once all the "drama" has died down and he feels safe enough to return to his old habits. You cannot fix, change, or heal your husband. If he doesn't want to fix himself, there's nothing you can do. And nothing a MC can do, either. 

But, whatever you do regarding MC, I suggest you get yourself into individual counseling. Tell your therapist that you need to work on both self-esteem and healthy boundaries. Healthy self-esteem and strong boundaries are what will really help you figure out what to do next.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Seba01 said:


> I have been married for 20 years. I am not perfect... I have my own personal issues and try to work on them as best as I can.
> Over the last few years, I noticed that my husband has been having conversations with women all over the world. He text, WhatsApp, Facebook these women with flirting conversations. The things he says to them is very surprising because he doesn't say them to me. He calls them sweetheart, darling, ,tells them how he misses them, how good she makes him feel etc. I think he has telephone conversations with some of them.
> I've spoken to him about it but he's still doing it. Just yesterday I saw email conversations he had with a few ladies.
> I don't know what to do. I'm not in love with my husband anymore. I don't trust him. We have two beautiful girls 17 and 14yrs.
> ...


Have you made it clear to him that you no longer love him?

If so, what would ideally think he should have done? Yes, what he is doing is wrong, but how should he have handled the situation in a better way?

And what are your personal issues? Have these impinged on your marriage?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Seba01 said:


> Thank you so much for your counsel and support. I really appreciate your thoughts on my present dilemma. Somehow, I don't feel alone anymore.
> I know it's cheating but don't you think we should try couples' counseling? Is it really too late, no hope for us?


You could try counseling, but the question is, would he be willing to go? I would bring it up to him. Also, be sure to find a counselor who specializes in these types of situations, because, if not, the counseling can do more harm, than good.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you hoping to love him again? Or did you ever? Certainly, you could suggest counseling but that’s not a quick fix. Both people have to want to correct what’s wrong. And rebuilding a marriage is hard work. You’ll never again trust him completely (and you shouldn’t). If you’re staying in the marriage for your daughters, they’ll be adults soon and you’ll be left with a shell of a marriage. You need to decide what you want for the rest of your life.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Seba01 said:


> Thank you so much for your counsel and support. I really appreciate your thoughts on my present dilemma. Somehow, I don't feel alone anymore.
> I know it's cheating but don't you think we should try couples' counselling? Is it really too late, no hope for us?


First off, I'm sorry that you are in this situation. 

Here's what I would recommend... 

No marriage counseling (MC) - not right now. This isn't the time for MC and chances are it will do more harm than good if you try. Instead, he needs to start seeing an individual counselor (IC). Right now the main problem isn't your marriage, it's HIM and his serial cheating with no regards to you at all. So that needs to be the focus. He has a lot of things to figure out, work on, and stop before he would be ready for MC and reconciliation. 

For you, I would recommend looking up the 180 then implementing that. It may not be that hard, based on how you are currently feeling. Find your own IC and work on you while he is (hopefully) working on him. During that time you may decide you want to try to reconcile, or you may have more clarity that you want to divorce. That could be from your own therapy and/or from your husband's actions. If he is unwilling to do IC, then it's over. If he is going to sit in IC and twiddle his thumbs or not do the work, then it's over. If he is going to keep chatting with other women, then it's over. If he is going to hide anything from you and give you anything less than full transparency, then it's over. 

If/when you do start seeing changes, do not believe them right away! You can acknowledge them but do not expect that he's suddenly a changed man. It takes many months to a year for those changes to really start settling in. 

If you decide you might want to stay together or that there might be something to save, _then _you do MC, but not until he fixes his issues first. 

As for not loving your husband, well he's not very loveable right now, is he? From the sounds of it, he hasn't been lovable for a very long time. At one point you must have loved him, otherwise you wouldn't have married him. You _can_ get those feelings back. Love is a verb. Generally, if you act like you love someone the feelings will follow. The boring and empty relationship, that can also be fixed if you _both_ want it to be and are willing to do the work. That stuff is not the main concern right now though, and isn't what needs to be worked on. You need to start at the individual level (you and him), then the couple level.


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