# What I have done! Advice please!



## CluelessGuy (Oct 22, 2013)

So...I guess I will start with introductions. I am 31 and my partner of 6.5 years will soon be 31 as well. Yes, I am a gay man. I know this website is geared toward straight married couples, but I feel like people are people and our issues are not unqiue to gay couples. If you don't approve of my "lifestyle", that's fine. You don't need to reply to this message.  

So, here goes. I am have gotten myself into quite a mess and feel pretty foolish right now. Things betwee us were great until about the time we moved in together. What changed I think was the fact that we bought an old house that was a major fixer upper and living in a construction site and dealing with the renovations, which did not always go well or as planned, was a major stressor and source of anixety for him. About 6 months after moving into the place, intimacy between us went from a normal frequency (maybe 1x a week) to a very rare occurence. Average frequency was about once a month, I would say. Gaps that spanned multiple months was not unheard of. I tried everything I could think of to improve the situation, including counseling...to no avail. It got to the point where I felt I couldn't even bring it up without him going off on me or just leaving the room and not talking at all. I was at my wit's end and rented my own place in July of 2012. I was prepared to be done but he talked me into considering it a "trial seperation". Although we lived apart, we saw each other on average 5 days a week and really the relationship wasn't all that different than when we lived together. It had been planned for about 2 years prior to sell our house in the spring/summer of 2013 because we weren't happy with the location and certain aspects of the house, and also just to get a fresh start because the house was a reminder of not so happy times together during the renovation. I was kind of on the fence throughout the seperation on whether or not I wanted to go back with him, but I wanted to give it a chance. Spring 2013 came and it was time to get the house on the market. Much to our surprise, it sold in 1 day to the first couple who looked at it! I knew at that point I had to make a quick decision and I guess I got caught up in the excitement of house hunting and I tried to tell myself that some new scenery would be just what our relationship needed to re-ignite the spark. Not only that, I will admit I had become accustomed to a certain lifestyle that I could not afford to maintain on my own, even though I work and make a good income. So...I decided to move forward with buying another house with him. Fast forward nearly 4 months, we are in the newer house and things are back to their old ways. We spend a lot of time apart in seperate parts of the house because I can't stand the tv shows he likes to watch and vice versa, he never wants to go out or do anything fun, he goes to bed at 9:00, sometimes even on the weekends, and I guess worst of all, he never wants to be intimate with me in any way really. I'm at my wits end and being only 31, I do not want to live the rest of my life this way. I am a good guy, a good boyfriend, and I feel like I deserve better than that. I'll be honest and say that never getting any affection from him has made it very difficult to be faithful to him, but I have not cheated yet. I have said everything to him that can be said, tried everything that can be tried, and I just don't think he will ever change. He is a good man and overall is a good boyfriend. I just don't think we are a good match though. I am very sorry that I made the mistake of buying this house with him but that now cannot be undone. Therein lies the problem. I think he *maybe* could afford the house on his own if he refinanced to a 30 year loan (we currentl have a 15 year) to drop the payment a bit. He would still be a bit strapped though, I think. I feel kind of trapped and I don't want him to struggle financially but I also want a chance at true happiness. Does anyone out there have some advice on how to move forward? Thanks so much!


----------



## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

Hello there.

I'm so sorry to hear this is where you are. I agree that your issues are across the board and not those of just gay couples. This is a good place to vent and ask questions. I have one question for you. Through your entire post you never said that you love him. Are you still in love with him? Do you think he loves you? 

Okay so that's actually two questions. The thing is, you have to decide if he matters enough to you to continue fighting for this. And, you have to believe that it matters enough to him also. Otherwise, you are better off ending it now. 

I'm sure others will come along with better, wiser words. I'm not in the best place in my own marriage but I can hear your frustration and hurt.

My best wishes to you.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

You sound a lot like my husband, and your partner reminds me of myself. Although I'm mixed up in a crazy separation/reconciliation/wtf situation, I feel as if I've learned a few things. A separation may be helpful at this point, you know the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Although this time, maybe try taking some time apart, rather than spending almost every day together..

Have you guys talked about this at all? Other than the intimacy issue? My husband sat me down and told me one night that our lack of intimacy made him feel like he wanted to cheat, and this definitely got my attention (this was months ago.. Things have um, gotten a lot less simple these days!) maybe if you try talking through all of your feelings, he may understand..? Or maybe even feel the same way! You'll never know until you try!

If you feel trapped, nothing positive can come from this. My husband expressed the same feeling, and we are now looking at separating, possibly even throwing in the towel completely. I would definitely try taking some time and space, and then maybe having a good heart to heart. If you partner is anything like me, he may be feeling similar to you, but oblivious that you are feeling that way too.

Good luck, I truly wish you the best. Only you know what's best for you, and I wouldn't let finances or other things like that interfere with what you truly feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CluelessGuy (Oct 22, 2013)

Hi Daisy - Thanks so much for your reply! You asked if I was still 
"in love" with my partner. I still love him as a person and care a lot for him....but no, I am not "in love" with him anymore. I feel like his actions have created a situation where we feel more like roommates than life partners...and it's hard to be in love with a roommate.


----------



## CluelessGuy (Oct 22, 2013)

Hi Crazy Beautiful - Thanks for your reply too! I honestly would not be game for another trial seperation. If anything, I would just throw in the towel and move on. I feel my partner has shown he has little to no capacity for change in regard to the problems I see in our relationship. I found it interesting that you saw so many correlaries between my relationship and yours. May I ask why you didn't want to be intimate with your husband, to the point he felt tempted to cheat to get some affection?


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

CluelessGuy said:


> Hi Crazy Beautiful - Thanks for your reply too! I honestly would not be game for another trial seperation. If anything, I would just throw in the towel and move on. I feel my partner has shown he has little to no capacity for change in regard to the problems I see in our relationship. I found it interesting that you saw so many correlaries between my relationship and yours. May I ask why you didn't want to be intimate with your husband, to the point he felt tempted to cheat to get some affection?


I'm sorry to hear that, it's always tough when one person isn't willing to take the steps to save the relationship. Have you guys talked about it at all?

Most of the reason I wasn't intimate with him is because of our schedules. We work opposite shifts, so rarely had any time alone, except when one of us was asleep. Also, my days are typically 3am-9pm with no stopping, between my daughter, work and school. This made for one exhausted wife, and no sex drive. 

Once we had the conversation, I realized that I also pulled away because of a lack of affection in general. Because of so little time together, I felt like our only physical connection was sex, and it wasn't enough for me. After making these points known, we worked on spending more time alone together, as well as improving our sex life.

Intimacy is usually the first thing to go, and can vary in reasons. I realize now that I wasn't putting it on my list of important things to accomplish, and that made my husband bitter.

Even now, threatened with separating, and even more unknowns, we have maintained an intimate bond as I now see how important it is to remain connected in this way, even during troubled times.


----------



## CluelessGuy (Oct 22, 2013)

Hi CrazyBeautiful - Based on the scenario you describe, I can definitely see how intimacy could have fallen by the way side. That is not really our situation though as we have no children and we aren't going to school anymore. Our lives for the most part are not too hectic. It's too bad your husband did not raise his concerns before it became too late. To answer your question, yes, I tried to talk about it many times and he would often get angry with me and not be willing to discuss it. I did drag him to counseling and we had maybe 10 sessions with two different counselors. They really were not productive because all he wanted to talk about was how everything was wonderful between us and he would be mad when we got home for wanting to talk about how things were not wonderful. I feel like I've said everything that can be said and tried everything that can be tried. I know he loves me but I just don't think he can or will change his ways enough to make me happy enough to want to stay with him.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

CluelessGuy said:


> Hi CrazyBeautiful - Based on the scenario you describe, I can definitely see how intimacy could have fallen by the way side. That is not really our situation though as we have no children and we aren't going to school anymore. Our lives for the most part are not too hectic. It's too bad your husband did not raise his concerns before it became too late. To answer your question, yes, I tried to talk about it many times and he would often get angry with me and not be willing to discuss it. I did drag him to counseling and we had maybe 10 sessions with two different counselors. They really were not productive because all he wanted to talk about was how everything was wonderful between us and he would be mad when we got home for wanting to talk about how things were not wonderful. I feel like I've said everything that can be said and tried everything that can be tried. I know he loves me but I just don't think he can or will change his ways enough to make me happy enough to want to stay with him.


I'm so sorry to hear that  For some reason, it sounds like he either doesn't want to believe it, or just can't face it. But it definitely doesn't sound fair to you. How could someone try to paint the entire picture as happy, knowing that their partner is not happy?

Is he really just oblivious to all of this? Maybe depressed, or something along those lines? I just can't imagine having someone in my life that feels that everything is perfect, when it's clear that it's not.

This has to be tough for you. I can understand why you feel as if you're at your wits end with all of it. It's got to be frustrating! It sounds like you've done a lot to try and remedy the situation, and he just isn't budging. So at that point, I'd have to ask you. What's best for YOU?


----------



## CluelessGuy (Oct 22, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> I'm so sorry to hear that  For some reason, it sounds like he either doesn't want to believe it, or just can't face it. But it definitely doesn't sound fair to you. How could someone try to paint the entire picture as happy, knowing that their partner is not happy?
> 
> Is he really just oblivious to all of this? Maybe depressed, or something along those lines? I just can't imagine having someone in my life that feels that everything is perfect, when it's clear that it's not.
> 
> This has to be tough for you. I can understand why you feel as if you're at your wits end with all of it. It's got to be frustrating! It sounds like you've done a lot to try and remedy the situation, and he just isn't budging. So at that point, I'd have to ask you. What's best for YOU?



My partner is definitely the type to bury his head in the sand rather than deal with problems head on. His way of dealing with problems is ignoring them and hoping they just go away. Well...it usually doesn't work that way! I feel like I have done a lot to try to remedy the situation, more than he has. I don't even really feel like he is meeting me halfway. What is best for me? Honestly, at this point, I have little hope for significant change so I think moving on is what's best for me.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

CluelessGuy said:


> My partner is definitely the type to bury his head in the sand rather than deal with problems head on. His way of dealing with problems is ignoring them and hoping they just go away. Well...it usually doesn't work that way! I feel like I have done a lot to try to remedy the situation, more than he has. I don't even really feel like he is meeting me halfway. What is best for me? Honestly, at this point, I have little hope for significant change so I think moving on is what's best for me.


I'm truly sorry that you have come to that conclusion, and even sorrier that your partner doesn't seem to understand. I have a tendency to confront everything aggressively, so much so that it has caused issues in my M. I have always thought my H spent too much time burying his head as well, but have recently found out that he was just holding it inside. Definitely not a good alternative!

I would suggest maybe one more sit down with your partner, maybe the way you feel could change his behavior and attitude towards the relationship. At the very least, it may give you the final nudge to move on if that's what you choose.


----------



## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

The best relationship advice that I have ever received came from a gay man. I hate when people feel like they can't relate to a gay couple.

Anyhow, I personally did not realize what I had to lose until my wife was on her way out the door. Granted I had some medical and mental issues that put me in a fog for a couple years, but until she was seriously on her way out the door with no discussion I never took her to be the type that would leave.

You may have to seriously jolt him. My wife says that she tried to talk to me numerous times about being unhappy and I just blew it off, which in turn made the situation much, much worse. If she had not done what she did, I am afraid that I never would have snapped out of it. I still don't know if Ill be able to undo that damage but at least she is still here trying to let me make amends.

Just tell him you cannot handle the lack of love and affection in your life anymore and you need to make some changes. Leave for a few days, stay with a friend, and don't return his calls. You'll find your own answer by what is on those voice mails.

Chances are, he loves you still but doesn't know how to express it in the way that you need. Or at least I hope so, the world needs more couples in love again.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Buying a new house and moving in despite the problems, thinking a change of scenery would make it all right again, was a huge blunder.

Sure it can be undone.

Accept that the relationship has run it's course, sell the house split any proceeds, and go find someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with you. 

It really is that simple.


----------



## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

CluelessGuy said:


> My partner is definitely the type to bury his head in the sand rather than deal with problems head on. His way of dealing with problems is ignoring them and hoping they just go away. Well...it usually doesn't work that way! I feel like I have done a lot to try to remedy the situation, more than he has. I don't even really feel like he is meeting me halfway. What is best for me? Honestly, at this point, I have little hope for significant change so I think moving on is what's best for me.


This sounds so much like my husband. I'm so sorry to hear this and your other posts. It does seem like it would be best for you to move on. Please stay with us and let us know how you are doing.


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Clueless, you will probably grow tired of hearing this but "This sounds just like my sbtxh and me".

In his case, he felt he was such a "nice" guy, he didn't have the capacity to end things even though our relationship had ended a long time ago. 
If you don't love your boyfriend, then you should end things and have the chance to be happy with someone else. In my case it has been very very painful because we were married for 14 years and up until very recently I loved him deeply.

Some people are also afraid of being alone and instead of ending a relationship that no longer fulfills both parties, they prefer to keep on the appearances of a happy couple. Could this be your boyfriend? 
I think you both will be okay. My stbxh used to say he could not live without me, but he is still breathing!!! (haha). 
He has also moved on, faster than I actually thought he would. 
Clueless just be prepared when you end things. Much luck to you both!!!


----------



## Guy Noir (Oct 25, 2013)

CluelessGuy said:


> I can't stand the tv shows he likes to watch and vice versa, he never wants to go out or do anything fun, he goes to bed at 9:00, sometimes even on the weekends, and I guess worst of all, he never wants to be intimate with me in any way really. I'm at my wits end and being only 31, I do not want to live the rest of my life this way. I am a good guy, a good boyfriend, and I feel like I deserve better than that. I'll be honest and say that never getting any affection from him has made it very difficult to be faithful to him, but I have not cheated yet. I have said everything to him that can be said, tried everything that can be tried, and I just don't think he will ever change. He is a good man and overall is a good boyfriend. I just don't think we are a good match though.
> 
> My partner is definitely the type to bury his head in the sand rather than deal with problems head on. His way of dealing with problems is ignoring them and hoping they just go away. Well...it usually doesn't work that way! I feel like I have done a lot to try to remedy the situation, more than he has. I don't even really feel like he is meeting me halfway. What is best for me? Honestly, at this point, I have little hope for significant change so I think moving on is what's best for me.


Dude, you just described my life. The only difference is I shut off sexually from my wife. She was never too keen on it, anyway, so it was easier for me to just end the sex rather than having sad sex with someone who was bored out of her mind. 

For me, the lack of emotional connection is killing me slowly.


----------



## CluelessGuy (Oct 22, 2013)

GuyNoir - You say you quit having sex w/ your wife because no sex was better than sex with someone who was bored with it. Did you try working on your the sexual problems you have as a couple? Make an appt w/ a sex therapsit? Switch things us (sexually) and try some different things?


----------



## CluelessGuy (Oct 22, 2013)

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply to my post. It was surprising and also disheartening to hear so many people say my situation correlates so well to their life experience. I'm still on the fence on what to do. At this point, the 5 week gap in intimacy continues. He was a bit playful tonight and recognized that it had been a while since the last time we'd been intimate...but that's as far as it went. I thought there was some hope of ending the drought when he made that comment...but nope, no dice.


----------



## CluelessGuy (Oct 22, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Buying a new house and moving in despite the problems, thinking a change of scenery would make it all right again, was a huge blunder.
> 
> Sure it can be undone.
> 
> ...


I agree that it was a huge blunder. If I were to leave him, I would not ask him to sell the house. I can't make him sell it and I don't think he would even if I asked him to. I have a lot of my own money tied up in that house and I'd rather just have it tied up until he chooses on his own to sell one day, rather than make him go through the stress of another house hunt and move when we just did that 4 months ago. Maybe that makes me a fool. Maybe it makes me a decent person. I guess you can decide.

I don't think it's accurate to say though that my bf does not want to be in a relationship with me. I think the issue is we have different definitions of what a relationship is. I think without intimacy, we are basically roommates, not boyfriends. I have told him this and he disagrees...and was quite hurt by the comparison.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

CluelessGuy said:


> Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply to my post. It was surprising and also disheartening to hear so many people say my situation correlates so well to their life experience. I'm still on the fence on what to do. At this point, the 5 week gap in intimacy continues. He was a bit playful tonight and recognized that it had been a while since the last time we'd been intimate...but that's as far as it went. I thought there was some hope of ending the drought when he made that comment...but nope, no dice.


Is he blind to your needs, or just oblivious to your relationship?

He doesn't sound invested at all, honestly. He sounds like he's wrapped up in his own life. Even if he's convinced your relationship is great, there should be some type of intimacy.

Even though we are technically separating, I've noticed my H has been less intimate this past week. We were trying to maintain a physical bond regardless of our drama.. Anyway, his lack of intimacy is only reassuring me now that there is an OW. Do you think there may be an OM in your partners life? Maybe even just an EA, that's all my H has going on right now..But it's enough to affect our M.

Hopefully that isn't the case for you, but definitely something to think about. I tried telling myself it wasn't happening, and it just hurts more now to realize slowly that it is. In my house. In front of me. At all times. Especially knowing there's a trip coming up to turn the EA into PA. Ugh, I truly hope that isn't the case for you!!

Have you tried talking to him, or making the first move?


----------



## CluelessGuy (Oct 22, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Is he blind to your needs, or just oblivious to your relationship?
> 
> He doesn't sound invested at all, honestly. He sounds like he's wrapped up in his own life. Even if he's convinced your relationship is great, there should be some type of intimacy.
> 
> ...


I haven't sat him down and told him lately how it makes me feel that he doesn't want to be intimate with me. I guess I have put it off because we've had the discussion multiple times in the past and it usually just results in drama and nothing really coming of it. I will have the discussion soon though. And no, I'm certain there is not another man in the picture of any kind. He just doesn't have the time and even if so, he's just not the type to engage in that. 

On another note, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Do you think there is any hope of salvaging your marriage or is it just over?


----------



## CluelessGuy (Oct 22, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Is he blind to your needs, or just oblivious to your relationship?


He should be aware of what my needs are. We talked about them at length in counseling. Basically, my partner is not in the mood if the moon and the stars are not just exactly aligned and everything isn't going absolutely perfect in his life. If he's the slightest bit upset or stresseda about something in his life, then poof! No libido whatsoever...and my partner is very easily stressed and bothered. With that being said, his sex drive is basically nil most of the time.


----------

