# How would you feel?



## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

My husband and I have been together for 14 years now. When we met I had my fair share of experience in sex and he did not. He was and still is insecure when it comes to it. This is even though I try to build him up. I try to make him feel good about his abilities and the way he makes me feel. It does no good though.

Since I had more experience then he did, he uses it against me. He makes comments such as "You're like a bike and everyone has riden you.", "I'll give you $100.00 for sex right now", or "I never did get a cherry." He says he is joking, but I tell him it is not funny every time he does it.

Well he really upset me last night. I had to run out for a few minutes to pick up some stuff for a charity event...which he is helping me with. As I was kissing everyone bye, he decided to stick his nose to my crotch and smell me. When he did he made a comment along the lines of I just wanted to see how you smelled so when you come back I can check....like I was going out to "get some" or something. I didn't like that he did that and said something. He then got upset with me for getting upset because he was "just joking". 

Now how would that make you feel? Was I wrong for getting upset? Would that make you feel as if he didn't trust you or that he was calling you a loose in other terms? Then the question comes if I am not wrong, what can I do to make him understand these kind of comments/actions are hurtful?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

He's being passive aggressive. "I'm just joking" is often the cop out because he's angry. Anger is just sadness externalized. Something has likely triggered his insecurities or he's feeling resentful because he perceives himself as having "missed out" on sex with other women. 

Are you guys able to talk?

It's a shame because if he keeps acting like that, he'll likely drive you away.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

talk about being insecure!! has he always acted like this, not necessarily concerning sex but in general?


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> He's being passive aggressive. "I'm just joking" is often the cop out because he's angry. Anger is just sadness externalized. Something has likely triggered his insecurities or he's feeling resentful because he perceives himself as having "missed out" on sex with other women.
> 
> Are you guys able to talk?
> 
> It's a shame because if he keeps acting like that, he'll likely drive you away.


Your not the first female I have seen with the same problem. I want to ask you though, why did you tell him about your past sex life? anyone who knows men, should know that we hate to hear about how many men had our girlfriends or wives before us. We like to imagine that we are one of the first to have you. Also this is a situation you should have thought about years before while you were young and having sex with a lot of guys, because you will be looked upon in a bad light. Honestly if he knew this before you married him, he shouldn't have married you if it was going to be an issue. He should try to get over it now and move on. Do you ever flirt or do things that cause him to think badly of you?


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## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

I used to just laugh it off because I did just take it a joke, but over the last couple of years I have grown tired of it and a couple of other things not mentioned. I have been trying to stand up for myself more because there were several areas I felt I was being taken advantage of. 

When it comes to this subject I've tried talking to him. I try to tell him how it makes me feel. I tell him it hurts when he makes comments like that. We even came up with a code word because he had the habit of doing stuff like that in front of other people. He has told me he feels like he missed out, but why should it be taken out on me for him not taking his opportunities?


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## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

Yes he has pretty much always acted like this. 

I certainly do try to sit down and tell him how it makes me feel. I try to find a tactful and polite way to say everything to him. (I walk on a lot of eggshells.) I use "I" statements all the time. 

He asked about it so he does know about my past and it was not like I was out sleeping around. I just had experienced more than he did when we met. I was his first and it is not like I roped him at a young age...he was 22. 

I will admit I was stupid drunk one time and kissed someone, but I admitted it to him and apologized....that was about 6 years ago now. After that I stopped going out and never saw my friends because I didn't want him to think it would happen again. I shut down. I just started in the last year and a half or so going out with my girlfriends again...yes just girls...on occassion. When I do though, I have to constantly check in or I get calls checking up on me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Keep the issue in perspective.

The issue is his. Remind yourself of that. Remind him of that. You may also want to remind him that if he doesn't address it, he won't have to smell your crotch. You will simply tell him that you are ready for a new, secure, and mature partner.

His behavior is sh!t. And it is borne purely out of his own fear and insecurity. Who has the higher drive? I'm only asking because if your appetites are larger than his (whether or not is has to do with his security is irrelevant) this would also be an indication of why he feels threatened and makes such passive aggressive comments.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have more experience then my H, too. He's never used it against me though. I dont think I would be calmly using "I" statements if my H ever did to me what yours is doing to you! I'd snap at him so fast he'd wish he never opened his mouth! He'd hear it from me for weeks. Personally, I think if you want to get through to him you have to stop questioning whether you are right or "over-reacting." You are right. He's being an a**. Dont let him off the hook until he can admit he wasnt joking, and until he can talk to you about how he's actually feeling instead of taking stabs at you. You might have to hold your ground for days.

My H does the "im just joking" bit, too. We dont move on until he first says he's sorry, and then talks to me about how he's feeling and why he felt he needed to take a sarcastic jab at me. I dont push the issue, and i dont really get angry, but I wont let him hug me until he's willing to talk about it.


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## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

I tried the ultimate reminder about a year ago. I asked him to stay with his parents for a little bit so he and I could have some time and space to think. He ended up staying there for 5 weeks. When he came back we started counseling. We went for about 4-5 months and everything started getting better. The therapist finally said we needed to do it on our own. It has now been about 6 months since our last visit. 

I know it something he needs to work on, but I feel it is my issue too. We both grew up with our natural parents and we both wanted the same for our kids. Any problem he has I feel I need to help too since I made that commitment. However, I also don't know if the environment is better or worse for them with us together.

We have always had a good sex life. We both have good sex drives. We don't have it as much as we did before our son was born. It was pretty much every night. Now it is every couple of nights. One reason being our son is 4 now and sleeps in our room...but why is another story.

Another reason being since I have been standing up for myself, I am not always in the mood by the time we go to bed. I'm sure this does not help his ego, but at the same time I don't think I should just do it either. 

Along with a few other things we disagree on, being a woman I would like some romance or at least a little subtlety to his approach. He seems to go for the sweet spots though and it starts when I get home from work. I don't mind that sometimes, but not all the time. It kind of kills the mood for me. I've told him this and he has seen the difference when he does...he told me himself...but he seems to revert back.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

Allconfused said:


> My husband and I have been together for 14 years now. When we met I had my fair share of experience in sex and he did not. He was and still is insecure when it comes to it. This is even though I try to build him up. I try to make him feel good about his abilities and the way he makes me feel. It does no good though.
> 
> Since I had more experience then he did, he uses it against me. He makes comments such as "You're like a bike and everyone has riden you.", "I'll give you $100.00 for sex right now", or "I never did get a cherry." He says he is joking, but I tell him it is not funny every time he does it.
> 
> ...


Ok I didn't know he smelled you. Wow, yeah he has to get that straight. I am actually more experienced than my wife and that just means I can teach her things. Maybe he should look at it like that.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Allconfused said:


> Any problem he has I feel I need to help too since I made that commitment.


what do you mean by that? do you mean you feel you need to fix his problems?


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## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

No. I feel he should fix his problems, but I should be there to support him. I have done that for years though and I am growing tired. I have thought about leaving many times, but because of the commitment I made to him and my kids (mainly) I have stayed. I'll honestly say I am also afraid of the reprecussions of leaving. I know it would not be easy, but he would make it even harder and fight me every step of the way.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Next time he sniffs your crotch, knee him in the face.

Seriously - its been 14 years. Assuming you've been faithful, it sounds like he needs to grow up.

I've been in a similar boat - married 15 - wife was more experienced - was never an issue. Sure as hell shouldn't be now.

Good luck...


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## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

Lol...well I couldn't do that, but thanks for the thought and the laugh. I found it kind of ironic that someone with the name 
nice777guy would be the one telling me to knee my husband in the face. 

And yes, he does need to grow up and hopefully he will soon.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Allconfused - obviously there are many other things going on. I'd caution you that if you are just waiting for him to get over being insecure, waiting for him to step up, he probably won't. People react to crisis. That's what really catalyzes change. The most common crisis in marriage is infidelity. Usually the woman is getting feed up, slowly her love erodes to the point where she is emotionally divested from the relationship and then looks for a soft landing. At this point the man clues in because he realizes that fidelity isn't a guarantee and he realizes he could actually lose his woman. Then he steps up and deals with things and becomes a better husband. But usually it's too late because she's been shutting down for years.

That is what seems to be happening here. (Minus the infidelity). You could look up "walk away wife", it's a divorce busters concept.

The kissing episode probably bothers him a lot more than he lets on. After all, you were his first, and he perceives himself as having missed out, but also probably feels like he couldn't get a woman anyway. At 22, virginity is a curse. And the reality is that woman are pursued far more than men. In the market, you are a hotter commodity. He's got to know that too, at some unconcious level.

So his head is all a mess in insecurity and a deep feeling he isn't good enough.

I'd suggest this: You be VERY direct with him and let him know in no uncertain terms that if it continues you are willing to leave, but that your preference is to stay. Shake him up and scare him a bit. Do it now before you lose anymore love and respect for him. Give him an opportunity to step up. Men respond to direct statements, and don't read clues well.

The alternative is almost certainly divorce, infidelity, or at minimum resentment.


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## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

Thanks for the reply Seeking Sanity. Yes, there is a lot more and I believe I have tired the suggestions you gave. About a year ago I asked him to stay with his parents so we could have space and time to think. He was there 5 weeks in all and we did counseling for 4-5 months after he came back home. When he left I made the suggestion that we write down the things that were bothering us so we could really reflect on what the other person was looking for and what we needed to do. Below is what I told him...

1. Trust – We need to be able to trust each other. When we ask something, we should not have to wonder in the back of our minds if it is the truth or the whole truth. Without trust a relationship will not work. 
2. Money – If you do not feel the amount you are receiving as your budget for the week is fair, let’s discuss it. I know our point of views will vary and we will have to find common ground. It is not impossible though. Also, if there is something you want we can work together to get it. It should not only be an individual effort. We are a family and as a family we should work to get it together. I believe together we need to sit down and see what our financial goals are. If we do not both have the same goals it makes it difficult to agree on where the money should go. 
3. Respect – Calling me names, making rude jesters, and any other type of snide remarks hurt even if you are just joking. Also, when you lie and take money this also shows a lack of respect I feel. 
4. Teamwork – I feel we need to work on our teamwork. I believe sometimes we both have our own ways of thinking and we need to have one common idea instead of two separate ones. (i.e. raising the kids, money, chores, our future, etc.)
5. Selfishness – We are a family. As a family we are one. There are no individuals. We need to put the family before ourselves. I’m not saying we can not need or want something for ourselves, but when making a decision the family does need to be considered and not just for a moment.
6. Agreement – An agreement should not be made unless it is going to be stuck to. When we come to agreement on how things should be handled and we commit to the other person it will be done, it needs to be followed through with. This goes back to trust and respect.
7. Family – I understand you love your family very much, but I still feel I come second to them. I do not feel like I have ever been put first before their needs or wants. 
8. Friends –You know I have always kept the number of people I consider friends to a small number. I do not pick my friends based upon status, but on personality and heart. We both need someone to talk to and someone we can turn to other than each other. I should have the right to go out with my friends on occasion and not limit who I can be friends with due to their status.
9. Physical Attraction – I try to take pride in my appearance so you will be attracted to me. I do not feel you take this same pride to be sure I am attracted to you. You know I am not saying I expect you to be ripped. I have never and would never expect that. However, I do think there is a need to take more of an interest in keeping me physically attracted. Please don’t read that as I find you revolting or something, I just feel you could make more of an effort than what you do.
10. Equality – Both of our needs should be met in our relationship. We should both be able to be happy and content with what we are giving and receiving in the relationship. At this time, I do not feel equal. I do not feel all my needs are being met.
11. Consistency – I do not feel there is consistency in your actions. It seems to me that you are consistent when I constantly have to say something or keep you going the right direction. I do not feel I should have to do this. You are a grown man and need to be responsible for your own actions. When I have to keep on you, I feel like I am your mother or nagging wife instead of your partner. 
12. Patience – Being a husband and wife, we need to have patience. We will both have bad days, but the good should far out weight the bad. We should be there for each other instead of getting aggravated that the other is having a bad day or you are not being paid enough attention. With being parents, we need even more patience. Kids will be kids. You have heard that saying many times in your life. There is a reason for that. They are going to be loud, make messes, break things, not call when they should and whatever else you can think of. They do not need to be made to feel small because of something they did. They should be taught why they should not do it or to do it differently. Making mistakes is how we grow and learn. There should be almost no reason to yell or get angry with them for discovering something new.
13. Encouragement – I do not feel I am encouraged and made to feel good about myself. I am not saying you never say nice things, but when the opposite is done (which happens more often) it does not make me feel I am worth anything. My self-esteem is damaged by this.

These are things we have discussed many times and it is not the first time I have written them either. Do I need to be any more straight forward? After counseling things got much better, but now things are reverting back. I am just not sure what else I need to do to get him to understand, to take action, and maintain the action.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi Allconfused- Wow, I never knew other men did the sniffing thing to their wives too! Mine used to sniff my panties when I would get home. Thought it was really weird myself, but I knew how insecure he was, so, like you, i put up with it. (Believe me, you won't find me sniffing my man's undies!) Hope you & your H get through his insecurities, then maybe there is hope for me & Mine!
Luck to you!
Stumble


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

It sounds like you've tried very hard to get his attention and doesn't get it. Perhaps a separation is the next step. 

You can't make people change. It's much better to end the marriage with honour. He seems very passive agressive, which is very hard to deal with. He needs to want to change, or you need to accept what is. Communicating your needs obviously isn't working. He's not hearing you, for whatever reason. 

(My wife is extremely passive aggressive, so I know exactly what this feels like.)

I'm sorry for you. Good luck.


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## GGG1071 (Sep 2, 2010)

what should I do my wife took off her wedding ring recentley because she said it was digging into her finger and ever since that we been having a diffucult time talking to one another and she claims she hasn't been in the mood for sex over the last few months does this mean she is interested in someone else or is she just going through a stage we have been married for 10 years and I am just wondering if I should start looking for someone else and she now wants to go out with her friends to be away from the kids and me and she has her wedding ring off should I be concerned about this or what should I do its not that I don't trust her it is just that I don't trust her friends or any guy that flirts with her because if she has to much to drink she tends to get obnoxious and it worries me what do you think I should do I don't know if her friends would do anything if she starts carrying on it worries me and it brings up trust issues I don't know what to do


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

GGG1071,
You have some very valid fears and questions. Please post this as a new thread on either General or Sex in Marriage. That way you aren't "threadjacking" somebody elses post and also you will get far more responses to your post.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Allconfused,
What he is doing is 100% disrespectful. He is trying to control you with his own insecurities. I would have a VERY hard time being as gracious as you have been. A code word for the two of you so that he is "reminded" not to belittle you in front of others? and smelling your crotch under the "just joking" lie. He isn't joking at all. He is trying to get you to feel badly for your past, a past he knew about. 
Now an uncomfortable question for you, are you certain he isn't cheating? My spidey senses are up and it sounds like he might think you are because he is. Is this possible? I could be WAY off on this so forgive me if that question is off base.


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## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

Thanks for the post everyone. Honestly Brennan I have thought that myself. He hides or lies about a lot of thing so I am not sure what to believe most of the time. I know for a while he had started talking to his ex again even though he knew I would not be happy about it....for several reasons. When I found out I freaked and made him call her in front of me to tell her he could no longer talk to her....of course he told her I was right there so all she said was ok and pretty much hung up. It didn't seem right to me. He is a very flirtatious person and works secuirt details at clubs/strip clubs/etc...I have no problem with the flirting and where he works...but it does leave room for doubt when the lies/hiding come into play too.


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## calimom82 (Jan 25, 2009)

I would NOT tolerate my husband sniffing my panties to see if I was cheating. Not even if he was acting like he was joking. Trust is a very big deal breaker for me. There's no in between when it comes to trust, to me any way.


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## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

So he told me this weekend that he is jealous of me and he hates his life. When I asked why he sId because of having more sexual encounters and because I am sure a good person. He also told me a couple different takes on the same story. He had told me a while ago that he had fooled around with this one chick and did one thing. Then he told me another version. I asked why and I was told he made it all up. Every time he said he was telling me the truth. It's in the past so there is no way for me to know for sure. Again I am left all confused. How do I help him get past his jealousy and hate? Do I let him go experience things for himself? But how am I supposed to deal with that? Also how do I know what the truth is?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

He is lying to you and cheating. His believing that you are is called PROJECTING. He thinks you must be because he is/did. 
It is not your job to help him get past his jealousy and hate. That is a counselor's job and one he needs immediately. He is being truly hateful to you and controling you because of his own issues. He thinks it's his right to check up on your every move, smelling your underwear and basically being an all around jerk but he does not have to be accountable to you and tells you lies and multiple stories. There is a line in the sand that needs to be drawn by you. You need to tell him that your days of accepting his behavior are OVER and if he does not agree to counseling then your days with him are OVER. This situation will not get better, ever, if he does not get help in dealing with his insecurities, hatred and controlling behavior. Once you tell him what your dealbreaker is, you have to stand by it. Period. No veiled threats. Let him know you are darn serious and this behavior will no longer occur in your marriage.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AC,
This is truly an excellent list. It is fair and balanced. When he went to his parents house for 5 weeks did he seem worried about losing you? 




Allconfused said:


> Thanks for the reply Seeking Sanity. Yes, there is a lot more and I believe I have tired the suggestions you gave. About a year ago I asked him to stay with his parents so we could have space and time to think. He was there 5 weeks in all and we did counseling for 4-5 months after he came back home. When he left I made the suggestion that we write down the things that were bothering us so we could really reflect on what the other person was looking for and what we needed to do. Below is what I told him...
> 
> 1. Trust – We need to be able to trust each other. When we ask something, we should not have to wonder in the back of our minds if it is the truth or the whole truth. Without trust a relationship will not work.
> 2. Money – If you do not feel the amount you are receiving as your budget for the week is fair, let’s discuss it. I know our point of views will vary and we will have to find common ground. It is not impossible though. Also, if there is something you want we can work together to get it. It should not only be an individual effort. We are a family and as a family we should work to get it together. I believe together we need to sit down and see what our financial goals are. If we do not both have the same goals it makes it difficult to agree on where the money should go.
> ...


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

I couldn't have wrote a better list myself...why is this list so hard for others to follow? It is the recipe for success and a marriage that will last through it all! I wish I could offer advice, but I deal with some of the same things....Good luck sweetheart....


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## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> AC,
> This is truly an excellent list. It is fair and balanced. When he went to his parents house for 5 weeks did he seem worried about losing you?



Yes he did seem worried, but at the same time not too worried. For example, he tried playing games instead of dealing with the issues. He said he was getting threatening phone calls saying someone was going to do something to me becasue he was no longer in the house and then started calling me as the "unknown caller" trying to scare me thinking I would let him back in the house. He tried planting a condom wrapper in our room and blame me for it. He sent the cops to our house at 2 am the morning of my birthday stating to them that he was getting threatening calls. Even after the cops showed up they said he was probably just checking to see if someone was there with me.

He has told me over the last 4 years that he feels he is going to lose me. Yet, he seems to still play games or please himself before he thinks about how I would feel. He says he doesn't know why other than he just gets off track. I know he loves me, but he has a funny way of showing it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nasty games he is playing with you. 

Can you support yourself financially without his help?





Allconfused said:


> Yes he did seem worried, but at the same time not too worried. For example, he tried playing games instead of dealing with the issues. He said he was getting threatening phone calls saying someone was going to do something to me becasue he was no longer in the house and then started calling me as the "unknown caller" trying to scare me thinking I would let him back in the house. He tried planting a condom wrapper in our room and blame me for it. He sent the cops to our house at 2 am the morning of my birthday stating to them that he was getting threatening calls. Even after the cops showed up they said he was probably just checking to see if someone was there with me.
> 
> He has told me over the last 4 years that he feels he is going to lose me. Yet, he seems to still play games or please himself before he thinks about how I would feel. He says he doesn't know why other than he just gets off track. I know he loves me, but he has a funny way of showing it.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Being honest, there seems like such deep psychological issues with him, that unless he is willing to get counseling and actually do the work, I don't see him changing. The extreme passive aggression and dishonesty is very difficult to break. This is a live with it or leave him kind of situation, I'm afraid. So sorry.


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## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Nasty games he is playing with you.
> 
> Can you support yourself financially without his help?


Financially yes, I would be able to do it. I wouldn't be able to live as I do now, but it is possible. Money is only part of my concern with leaving him though. There are so many other things that factor in which I am sure you can imagine; from the kids to the stress to even how it would hurt him.


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## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> Being honest, there seems like such deep psychological issues with him, that unless he is willing to get counseling and actually do the work, I don't see him changing. The extreme passive aggression and dishonesty is very difficult to break. This is a live with it or leave him kind of situation, I'm afraid. So sorry.


But how do I tell how that he needs to go see someone without him taking offense to it? We have gone to a counselor together and I have mentioned about going to individual ones, but he says "we" need to work on the relationship. I completely agree, but I also think we need to work on oursleves too. Any suggestions for me?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You can't make him. All you can really do is say, "I love you and I want this to work, however, your behaviour is so over the line that I'm considering separation. I don't want to separate, but you clearly have some demons and I think you'd benefit from counseling."

Or you just start counseling on your own and hope he figures it out.

Either way, you should start imposing some boundaries around what is acceptable and unacceptable to you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AC,
I will tell you what I would tell my daughter if this happened to her when she gets older. 

You made a bad mistake by letting him play these games and then return home. The assertive person would react like this:
1. On the threatening calls he claimed to be getting: "Well have you called the police and reported this?, Because if you think it is a genuine threat you need to do that". And just repeat the message "either you believe it is real and you need to contact the police, or you don't and I don't want to hear about it". 
2. Don't answer "unknown caller" calls - let them go to VM and if you are getting nasty messages "block" unknown callers. 
3. As for him actually calling the cops - eventually they will investigate him for making this stuff up.

The best message to him after moving him out is this: Any threats to my safety will cause me to immediately file for divorce. Any communication from you other than the list of things you are going to improve on is not welcome. If you make a bunch of promises and come home and start breaking them we are done. 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Only you can assess whether he is unstable and might hurt you. If you think he might, you need to take measures to make it hard for him to get to you. And you might want to get a gun. I wouldn't tell him about it, I would just get it and know how to use it. 

You moved him out - but you didn't really assert your boundaries which was the whole point. Personally I doubt he can change. He feels entitled to bully you. The only way to prevent that is to put a hard and harsh stop to it in the very beginning of the relationship. 





Allconfused said:


> Yes he did seem worried, but at the same time not too worried. For example, he tried playing games instead of dealing with the issues. He said he was getting threatening phone calls saying someone was going to do something to me becasue he was no longer in the house and then started calling me as the "unknown caller" trying to scare me thinking I would let him back in the house. He tried planting a condom wrapper in our room and blame me for it. He sent the cops to our house at 2 am the morning of my birthday stating to them that he was getting threatening calls. Even after the cops showed up they said he was probably just checking to see if someone was there with me.
> 
> He has told me over the last 4 years that he feels he is going to lose me. Yet, he seems to still play games or please himself before he thinks about how I would feel. He says he doesn't know why other than he just gets off track. I know he loves me, but he has a funny way of showing it.


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