# Is something wrong with me?



## euphoricdelusions (Jan 27, 2009)

Hi everyone...

My husband and I have been married almost 2 years and for the past 8-10 months or so I haven't had much of an interest in sex. While we were dating and even after we were married we couldn't get enough of each other, but now? Lately it's been every other week or so.

The problem started when we were living with his mother. She would always complain about the noise (our room was above hers). It really put a damper on things. We've been in our own home for over 6 months now but nothing has changed.

Not only that, but I have ovarian cysts which sometimes makes it kind of uncomfortable. 

I love my husband *dearly* but I am really getting sick of his advances and requests for sex. I've tried explaining to him that I don't know why I'm not as interested as I once was but he doesn't seem to get it. He makes me feel guilty for not wanting sex. I know he doesn't mean to, but, as I said, the constant requests/advances really get to me. Sometimes I feel like it's all he wants from me...I will go to bed and be trying to fall asleep while he's groping me, and then he gets offended when I yell at him after telling him a million times to stop.

It's really taking it's toll on our marriage and I need some advice. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to kiss him anymore. As I said, I love him dearly and there's nothing in the world I want more than to fix this. I just don't know how.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Is there anything in this here that mirrors your feelings?


----------



## euphoricdelusions (Jan 27, 2009)

Actually, a lot of it applies. 

When the problems started, his mother suddenly began to hate me. That, and she began poking her nose in our marriage. She and I had always been somewhat close, but suddenly her feelings for me changed. What I did to her I don't know, and probably never will as we don't speak anymore.

My husband, God love him, didn't want to upset her. He knew she was in the wrong, but rarely said anything to defend me. When we moved he vowed to never speak to her again (it got really bad towards the end of our living there) and we got our phone numbers changed. A few months ago he decides to call her up and give her his number, in case of "emergency". I felt SO betrayed by this. I understand it's his mother, but the way she treated me...she tried as hard as she could to split us up. I felt as if he had taken her side.

Aside from that, I do EVERYTHING. He works, and works hard, at his job. I cook, clean, do laundry, take care of kids, take care of the pets, handle ALL the bills, and work at night cleaning model homes for major home builders. Granted, he goes with me to my job and helps, but I've never asked him to.

Other than lack of sex, we are an affectionate couple and we have a lot of fun together. We do everything together, and all of our friends are envious of our relationship. A friend of mine even went so far as to say we were made for each other and complement each other well. 

He always goes out of the way to tell me how much he loves me. Sometimes he even leaves little notes for me in the mornings on his way to work. If I ask for a backrub, he gives me one (only he always tries to get something in return).

We have talked about all these issues and he does better for about a week, but then it goes back to the same. I've thought about counseling, but I know he won't go. Besides, we don't have the money for it. I'm at the point now where I just don't know what to do anymore, but I refuse to give up!


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I read your last post, but I could not be sure what you main complaints are with him. Can you spell out your top 3 resentments?


----------



## euphoricdelusions (Jan 27, 2009)

1) He rarely helps me with anything around the house.
2) He won't leave me alone about sex.
3) He won't stand up to his mother about the way she treated me and tried to ruin our marriage.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Just 3 questions...

How often does he want sex?
How much contact does he have with his mother?
Were you having more sex before he gave his mother his number?


----------



## euphoricdelusions (Jan 27, 2009)

Usually once a week. Sometimes a little more, sometimes a lot less. Mind you, it used to be a once a day or more. He wants sex everyday, just like it used to be. 

As for his mother, he talks to her a few times a month. He just went to visit her this past weekend, though. And yes, we were having more sex before he gave her his number...but it still wasn't that often. Like I said, it really began when she started causing problems back around March.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

So where do you want to go with things now?

Would you rather he backed off and stopped coming on to you, or would you like to re-capture how things were in the hotter days?


----------



## euphoricdelusions (Jan 27, 2009)

Both! 

I would LOVE to have the sex life we used to have, but him groping and/or constantly asking me for it isn't the way to get it.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

OK, this may just be me so don't take it the wrong way... but you don't seem to have that many real bad problems here. At least compared to most. Obviously, every marriage has their own issues, but I wouldn't get too worked up just yet.

You have a husband that loves you, desires you, leaves notes around the house and pays a lot of attention to you. 

OK, so he wants sex more often than you do. I know it makes you feel guilty, but first realize that there are a lot of women on this site that would trade places with you in a heart beat. 

As far as this goes, what is the biggest problems with sex? Is it the cysts? Is it his mother? Is it something else in the marriage? Do you still find him desirable?

Now, I have no clue what the entire situation was with his mother, so this is hard to respond to. So its really difficult to react as far as him giving her your number and going to see her. 

The cleaning and things... have you talked to him about this? Has it always been this way? If he is willing to go and help you work at nights without you asking or requesting him, he seems like the kind of guy that is willing to help out. Have you ever just said to him, "Honey, I like that you want to come and help me, but if you REALLY wanted to help me out, you could do a few things more around the house..."

I'm not an expert and Mark is better at some of this than I am. But you appear to be building some resentment against your husband here, and it's overflowing into other aspects of your marriage.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

If you keep a man short changed in the sex department it often has two results, in this order.

1) Constant badgering for sex.
2) He stops bothering and looks elsewhere. Look at this thread to see the result: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3791-what-do.html

Are you saying you want a bit of romancing, and he does not have a clue how to do it?


----------



## euphoricdelusions (Jan 27, 2009)

I would love a little more romance, and he knows exactly how to do that, but never does. With the groping and nagging, I sometimes feel like I'm living with a kid hitting puberty.

I find him every bit as much desirable as I did back when we were dating. Aside from the lack of sex (or what's causing it) we have no other problems.

I have asked him numerous times to help me around the house. He does wash his work clothes, which helps. I've gone through the finances with him in hopes he would take more of an interest there, but no luck. I don't want to be one of those nagging wives, but it seems like that's the only way I can get him to do anything, but then he gets upset (just like I get upset when he nags me for sex).

I don't know if we're just at the stage in our marriage where things are supposed to cool down and he doesn't understand it or what. I know that's fairly normal, but he has a very high sex drive.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

euphoricdelusions said:


> I don't know if we're just at the stage in our marriage where things are supposed to cool down and he doesn't understand it or what. I know that's fairly normal, but he has a very high sex drive.


Don't fall into that trap. LACK of sex causes so many problems in a marriage. It never HAS to cool down, so don't ever think that "it's about that time" when it comes to sex in the marriage. 

Lack of sex in a sexual driven man can do some weird things to a guy. You have told him to try to be romantic. HAS he ever tried? And what happened when he did?


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

euphoricdelusions said:


> I don't know if we're just at the stage in our marriage where things are supposed to cool down and he doesn't understand it or what. I know that's fairly normal, but he has a very high sex drive.


Where did you get that idea? That is only in failed and failing marriages. I'm sure *others* will back me up here. Things only cool down because things are swept under the carpet, and people have no interest in creating a fantastic marriage.

You should negotiate with him. Tell him plain as day that if he were more romantic, you would give him more sex. The same goes with the housework, although considering he supports you, I wonder just how much house work you think he actually owes you.

It's up to you to keep things hot, or he will probably walk. I would, if I felt taken for granted and not desired physically.


----------



## euphoricdelusions (Jan 27, 2009)

Yes, he has tried (though not very often) and is always pleased with the results =)

Question is, if he knows that's what I want and it works, then why doesn't he do it more often?

Used to, he brought me flowers at least twice a week. He used to cook dinner for me from time to time. He even used to come into the bathroom while I was taking a bath and washed my hair for me. 

As for helping me around the house, I don't ask him to do much for me. Maybe vacuum every now and then or clean up after the dog or wash the dishes. I would be happy if he would just clean up after himself rather than leaving me to do it.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

When was the last time he tried being romantic? 

And when was he cooking dinner and doing the bathroom thing?


----------



## euphoricdelusions (Jan 27, 2009)

It's been months since he's tried to be romantic. He brought me flowers one evening because I was feeling down (can't remember why).

To answer your other question, it was back when we first got married (almost 2 years ago).


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

euphoricdelusions said:


> Question is, if he knows that's what I want and it works, then why doesn't he do it more often?


Have you told him how much this means to you, or are you expecting him to be telepathic?


----------



## euphoricdelusions (Jan 27, 2009)

Thanks, Mommy22. I wasn't sure if I should think of it as that big a deal just now or not. I want our marriage to be as "issue-free" as possible!

Mark Twain, yes, I have told him how much it means to me. I know he has a forgetful memory, but it can't be that bad!

We're going to have a talk about all of this later and see if it makes a difference. We've talked about it all before, but of course, he gets defensive and it turns into an argument. Fingers crossed!

Thanks to all who have replied so far! I really appreciate all the advice =)


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

There is a article on my website - romance for men. Show him, it might help! Sometimes when you tell a spouse something is important, they don't understand that you really really mean it. You have to put it in terms they understand like: If you give me romance, I will give you sex. You have to explain what is romantic for you. Every woman is different. If he did something in the past that you liked, tell him.


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

You have a problem that requires a two-way solution. But you are stuck at who's going to start the process. You want more help around the house and more romance ... he wants more sex and I'm sure he might have something else on his list. You can nag him about the house and he can nag you about the sex, but neither of you is getting what you want through that method.

Is it possible that your expectations of frequent flowers and other romantic gestures doesn't fit your current lifestyle the way it did earlier in the relationship (meaning no kids, not as demanding work, etc)?. It probably goes the same for his expectations of sex every night. So, both of you need to change expectations. Which is not to say that you should give up on what you want, but you may need to re-define it a little and compromise a little.

Since you've taken the initiative to post here, I would say that you should take the initiative to give him what he needs (and he's nagging you for sex becuase he NEEDS it, just like you need more help around the house from him ... likely more so). Don't minimize or dismiss his physical and emotional need for sex. It's a big part of how he loves you and how he feels close to you.

Anyway, if the medical issues with the cysts aren't overwhelming (in which case, medical intervention is your first and biggest step), give the man some sex. Sounds like his nagging is the big turn-off, so the best way to stop the nagging is to give it to him. Let him know that nagging turns you off and he's not likely to get it if he nags from now on, but then plan on intiating it at least once per week so that you are doing your part. Give yourself some "libido foreplay" by playing sexy music, reading something erotic, watching 9 1/2 Weeks, fantasizing or daydreaming or whatever starts to get you in the mood. Then initiate it. Sometimes libido goes away just from the lack of doing it. If he's a satisfying lover, then the positive end result of the sex should get your libido slowly going again. It would be a whole other matter if you just weren't attracted to him or if he were a bad lover.

That's where you can start in terms of action. In terms of what you need from him, ask him what is preventing him from giving you what you ask for and how you can help him find a way to do those things for you. Ask in a truly open way and really listen to the answer. Just having you ask in that manner might shift his behavior or perspective. If he's anti-authority, he may not do things just because you asked, in which case maybe he can make himself a list of chores and make sure to have them done by the next week. That way no one's telling him to do it but himself.

As for his mother, you put him in a truly unfair position. I don't know the whole story, but he shouldn't have to choose between his mother and his wife. While you have every right to not have contact with her given how she treated you, him seeing her a few times monthly should not be something that you stand against as long as she doesn't enter your house or he tries to bring the two of you together. You say that he didn't stand up for you .... but he actually did. He cut her off for some time, which sent a clear message to her whom he chose to be loyal to. However, you can't expect him to never speak to his mother ever again if he feels a need to have some relationship with her. Think about one of your kids cutting you off someday and how harmful that could be to them psychologically and emotionally if they weren't ready to do that of their own will, but rather felt pressured by their partner to do so. If he wants to talk to his mom sometimes, you HAVE to find a way to be okay with that.


----------

