# Wife's Daughter hates me



## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

I am recently married, second marriage for both of us... both around 50. My wife's daughter, "Beth" is 28. We have dated for about a year and been married for 1.5 months. Beth almost didn't come to the wedding. We have spoken for about two minutes in our and met about three times since I have known wife. She is a spoiled brat actually. She manipulates her mom terribly. The biggest issue arose over thanksgiving. Let me describe the event. Beth and Wife discussed her driving for two hours to come see us for thanksgiving in our new home and she was to bring her boyfriend. She has a large dog. Wife told her not to bring the dog. Beth couldn’t find anywhere to put the dog so wanted to bring it. Wife was adamant no dog! Then relented. Dog could come but must be in a kennel and there would be ground rules. Beth arrived at 6 pm. Door opened bf and beth and dog came in. Dog immediately began jumping up on wife. No one restrained the dog. I was surprised that no one did anything. Then dog comes bounding into house. I again was surprised that no one restrained the dog. Wife seemed to no be alarmed by this. I was processing trying to figure out what to do. Dog running around chasing our pets, but not my place to tell Beth to shape up or ship out. We sat down to eat dinner and dog continued to misbehave. Under the table at dinner, swishing tail over food, pushing head in my crotch at dinner. No one did anything. I continued to give wife dirty looks about what is going on. I asked if I could talk to her in the bedroom and she refused. Evening went on with me in a funk over the dog. My wife was clearly angry with me as she didn’t say two words to me for the evening. Beth didn’t talk to me at all. Dog peed on carpet. Later in the evening apparently Beth was going to leave because I was such an ass. Wife begged her to stay (this was outside so I missed it). She stayed and we played a game together. Later in the night more drama and Beth complained how awkward and unfun it was and how their relationship (wife and beth) have never been so awkward and unfun. We decided to go to bed. Wife was going to sleep on the couch. Beth told wife she was never coming to house again. Wife very angry with me for not sucking it up and going with her lead, after all it is her daughter. I was angry that daughter disrespected wife, house and me. I held my tongue all night but wasn’t the most pleasant company. Now wife is still mad at me several days later lamenting how I ruined things and her daughter would never come back. That she would go to her daughters on holidays from now on. I just feel that it was so unfair that daughter took advantage of wife and me. And am very disappointed in wife for completely ignoring me, throwing me under the bus, and taking beth’s side. Ugh. If she had come to me at the very beginning and told me that daughter is just here for 16 hours, please let dog have run of house, at least I would have known and been prepared. It really hurts that she slept on couch while daughter was there validating beth’s poor behavior with dog. Not much can be done now… not sure what to do. I try to talk to wife about it and she either yells a bit or says she doesn’t want to talk about it. I have texted her a bit about what I am feeling and she isn’t interested and says that I don’t want to hear her side, I do, but she just won’t be rational and talk about it and what happened.actually


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

The daughter wants to sabotage this relationship and it looks to be working. *It's too bad your wife decided to take sides and choose her daughter and her dog over you.* Why should you have to suck it up and take one for the team when her daughter clearly hates your guts? This is only going to get worse. 

If she were my wife, I would sit her down and tell her that it's clear to me that you think I should bow down and give in to your daughters wishes the way you do, Well that's not the way I operate, It seems like your daughter and her dog are more important to you than I am. I'm not going to kiss your daughters butt, so if you think I'm being a jerk because I won't spoil her the way you do, then so be it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

No dog would have got away with that behaviour in my home. You were way too tolerant from the get go.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Choose your battles, man. You're going to ruin your marriage because your wife lets her 28 year old child act like a...28 year old child? You're 50. You're the adult. You married into this mess. Deal with it a little better.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I agree the daughter is trying to sabotage things. Who owns the house? That is, did you and your wife jointly buy it, or is it one of yours and the other moved in. Alos, why have you only met the daughter 3 times in the past year if she only lives two hours away. Was this your choice, your wife's or the daughters?

Keep away from how the daughter treats your wife. That is her business and nothing you can do about it. I would ask your wife why it is okay for her daughter to disrespect you in your home (assuming you have some ownership in it). Keep it simple and wait for an answer - why is the daughters behavior acceptable? Would it be acceptable if it were your friend? If not, why can she do it?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

It's obvious from your post that you don't like Beth.

Beth knows this.

Blended families are HARD & require more compromise than you may want to make if you want to keep the peace.

I know of what I speak. I have 2 adult daughters & my fairly new husband has 2 adult sons.

I personally will not allow dogs in my home, so that dog would have been outdoors during, Thankgiving or not.

Even though your wife said no dogs, her daughter ignored that & your wife wanted to keep the peace so allowed the dog again to keep the peace.

Do you have children?

I agree with MrK. Deal with it better. It was only one day. You could lose your wife if you continue to show your dislike of her daughter.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I would have had no problem grabbing the dogs' collar when it jumped on wife then saying with a big, happy smile "whoa boy!", hey, Beth, great to see you again! Where so you want to put Rover while we visit/eat? 

Take charge of the situation in a very pleasant way. 

Too late now but I don't have problems with doing such things in my house.

Have you tried taking Beth out? Maybe saying you feel you two got off to a rough start because you haven't had a lot of time to get to know each other and say "Your mom means the world to me and I only want her to be happy so I'd love for us to all get along." Try to bond with her. She's too old to feel you are replacing her Dad - don't know that part of the equation...

And even if you feel wife is wrong (I think she is, too) hear her out fully. Then you can say now that she's had her turn you'd like yours and calmly tell her how you FEEL without pointing fingers? SHe's going to be defensive on behalf of her daughter so tread lightly there - make it about the wife, how you want to support her house rules without getting in between her and daughter but dog made everyone uncomfortable including yourself?

Some ideas... but really I felt you should have grabbed the collar and been friendly and firm from the beginning.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If your wife takes someone else's side of you, you should ask her to move out.

However, all mothers will take their daughter's side over their second husband. This is becuase she feels guilty that she divorced the girl's father.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ralph, I completely empathize with you, but I'm going to respond to what you can control since you can't change wife or daughter...

How often does this girl visit? It sounds like it's only a couple times a year. If that's the case, I'd encourage you to be a graceful host and to set boundaries with your wife BEFORE the visits. 

This means supporting your wife's judgment even when she's wrong in a way that others don't realize you're not happy. You can talk to her afterward - when others can't see you dressing her down and being judgmental of them with your eyes and facial expressions.

You can also pay for a kennel next time so there is no excuse to bring the dog.


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Ralph, I completely empathize with you, but I'm going to respond to what you can control since you can't change wife or daughter...
> 
> How often does this girl visit? It sounds like it's only a couple times a year. If that's the case, I'd encourage you to be a graceful host and to set boundaries with your wife BEFORE the visits.
> 
> ...


Apparently she is never coming back... And she said that her dog is part of her family and if we don't want the dog we don't want her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Lol why should you accept such a black and white response? Who's house is it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hicks said:


> If your wife takes someone else's side of you, you should ask her to move out.
> 
> However, all mothers will take their daughter's side over their second husband. This is becuase she feels guilty that she divorced the girl's father.


 Exactly. That, and she has a long history of kissing up to her daughter to make up for it, and doesn't realize what corner she's painted herself in.

Read No More Mr Nice Guy; see if it resonates.

You need to learn to stand up for what goes on in your own house. You need to let your wife know that you love her and want her, but you don't need her, that if she doesn't believe in standing by what she AGREED to, you may not make it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ralph99 said:


> Apparently she is never coming back... And she said that her dog is part of her family and if we don't want the dog we don't want her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Great! No more drama!


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## steinjeremo (Nov 29, 2012)

That is, did you and your wife jointly buy it, or is it one of yours and the other moved in.


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

steinjeremo said:


> That is, did you and your wife jointly buy it, or is it one of yours and the other moved in.


We bought it jointly. But she moved 4 hours to be here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

ralph99 said:


> We bought it jointly. But she moved 4 hours to be here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then you decide if the dog or anything/anyone else comes thru the door. If it was your wife's before the marriage, some might say that changes things. Not me. Read NMMNG.


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Then you decide if the dog or anything/anyone else comes thru the door. If it was your wife's before the marriage, some might say that changes things. Not me. Read NMMNG.


is nmmng a book or a thread?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

ralph99 said:


> is nmmng a book or a thread?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here it is:

No More Mister Nice Guy by Robert Glover

there's a lot of stuff there besides the book


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Married Man's Sex Life Primer might be good for you too. This whole thing with sleeping on the couch and the silent treatment is a giant "sh1t test" as it is put by the author.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I see their dynamic as daughter is mad at mom for something in the past, mom feels guilty about it. Instead of working through it, d threatens to abandon mom and mom bends over backwards to make sure that she doesn't lose daughter. 
She does sound spoiled, but why? Is your wife feeling guilty about her divorce or was there something bad that happened when the daughter was a child? 
Why haven't you seen her more? 
I would never allow my daughter to take control of the family like that.
It sounds like Beth has a lot of anger towards her mom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Here it is:
> 
> No More Mister Nice Guy by Robert Glover
> 
> there's a lot of stuff there besides the book


Thanks i will get the book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

Dubya said:


> Married Man's Sex Life Primer might be good for you too. This whole thing with sleeping on the couch and the silent treatment is a giant "sh1t test" as it is put by the author.


And this one too!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I see their dynamic as daughter is mad at mom for something in the past, mom feels guilty about it. Instead of working through it, d threatens to abandon mom and mom bends over backwards to make sure that she doesn't lose daughter.
> She does sound spoiled, but why? Is your wife feeling guilty about her divorce or was there something bad that happened when the daughter was a child?
> Why haven't you seen her more?
> I would never allow my daughter to take control of the family like that.
> ...


I think she hates me for taking her mom away and just doesn't want to share her mom.
Her mom doesn't want to lose her daughter. She won't though, she just needs to take a stand and make her daughter accountable... She won't do that either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Take her to a MC and have the MC discuss it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

How long was she single before you came along?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Was her mom/your wife divorced before you met your wife?

Were you divorced before you met your 2nd wife?


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> How long was she single before you came along?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


10 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

theroad said:


> Was her mom/your wife divorced before you met your wife?
> 
> Were you divorced before you met your 2nd wife?


She had been divorced for ten years, i was separated. Divorced for almost a year when we got married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Has your situation changed any in the last few days?


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

Dubya said:


> Has your situation changed any in the last few days?


Things are a bit better. We are going to see a marriage counselor. I think it would have been better if her daughter was available too but she lives too far away. My wife still feels that i am too concerned about being right... Where she is concerned about people having a good time. I hope the counselor can help work through it. Unfortunately it won't help with get daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

That's good. Maybe the Councelor can get you two playing on the same team.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ralph99 said:


> Things are a bit better. We are going to see a marriage counselor. I think it would have been better if her daughter was available too but she lives too far away. My wife still feels that i am too concerned about being right... Where she is concerned about people having a good time. I hope the counselor can help work through it. Unfortunately it won't help with get daughter.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If the daughter had wanted to play hardball in the formal dinning room with your wife's china doll collection, would that have been fun in the name of making sure everyone had fun? Probably not, so it is also about balancing competing interests.

Your work is to ensure that you are not too focused on being right, as well as working to go with the flow a bit more. The example of you grabbing the dog and working to give it a place either in the garage or out back while also not pouting is something you should aspire to.


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

Interesting.... I believe had i done that with the dog my wife would have been madder and the daughter would haves left. However in hindsight it couldn't have turned out worse than it already did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ralph99 said:


> Interesting.... I believe had i done that with the dog my wife would have been madder and the daughter would haves left. However in hindsight it couldn't have turned out worse than it already did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well that is on them. You pouting because things were not quite what you expected is on you. Their disrespect is on them. Fix yourself, because you can't control them.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Ralph.. unfortunately one of the situations in my failed relationship was my 32 yr old step daughter. She did many things to 'help' ruin my marriage. I am 50, the stbxw is 52. Married for 2 yrs. My step daughter use to like taking my W out and having her pay for drinks. My wife would then end up hanging out with other guys, giving out phone number, etc. I ended up blowing up at SD and telling her that her mother was NOT her wing man to go hand out and pick up men. If she wanted to be a w***e, she needed to do it alone... 

You know that didn't play well. When I went to MC the counselor told my wife that your husband should come first. W immediately rebutted that would never happen and that her kids will always come before me. 

Needless to say, she is filing for divorce next month.


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

Sorry to hear that. It is exactly what i feel my wife may do if i try to "come between her and her kid".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a smart way to handle things, ralph.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ralph99 said:


> Sorry to hear that. It is exactly what i feel my wife may do if i try to "come between her and her kid".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is not about coming between her and her kids, it is about her respecting you as her husband and not allowing her child to come between you two.

As nice as it is to say that you should always come first, we all know that is not the way things work. There are times when her daughter will come first and that is okay, as long as those times are reasonable and not completely at your expense (no one would argue that your wife should not be able to blow off a romantic dinner with you if she found out her daughter was in the hospital, for example).

But you do need to be primarily number one. What appears to be happening is that you are only number one so long as the daughter is not around. That is the issue.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

"Beth" is 28 and she's acting like a child. She needs to seriously grow up. You and her mother are together now, which means the house is both of yours so if you set some rules for YOUR home, they should be respected and followed. What is wrong with people these days? How do you go into someone else's home and disrespect the rules of the house like that? I don't get it. There should be no argument about it...just like Tall Average Guy said. It's not about coming between anybody. It's not a big emotional thing. It's respect.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

ralph99 said:


> Interesting.... *I believe had i done that with the dog my wife would have been madder and the daughter would haves left.* However in hindsight it couldn't have turned out worse than it already did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So let her leave! And if wife wanted to leave with her, let her leave, too! She was already told that the dog could not come to your new house! But it did..........*and it peed on the floor!* I'd be pissed, too!!!!


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Sometimes you have to decide if you want to be right and divorced or be miserable for 16 hours of your life and still married. It makes it a little easier pill to swallow. He is a dog, buy him a big bone at meal time and he can munch on that rascal, while the rest of you enjoy your meal. You have to quit worrying about being technically right and start being smarter than this girl. I bet if you set your mind to it, you can charm her over and make your wife happy in the process. It is a amazing how nice wives can be, if you put yourself out there a little.


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

VFW said:


> Sometimes you have to decide if you want to be right and divorced or be miserable for 16 hours of your life and still married. It makes it a little easier pill to swallow. He is a dog, buy him a big bone at meal time and he can munch on that rascal, while the rest of you enjoy your meal. You have to quit worrying about being technically right and start being smarter than this girl. I bet if you set your mind to it, you can charm her over and make your wife happy in the process. It is a amazing how nice wives can be, if you put yourself out there a little.


That is what I decided to try if I get another chance... However, i Still feel it is unfair that the onus has fallen on me to kow tow to this spoiled woman. Hopefully the counselor can help shed some light on this issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

ralph99 said:


> That is what I decided to try if I get another chance... However, i Still feel it is unfair that the onus has fallen on me to kow tow to this spoiled woman. Hopefully the counselor can help shed some light on this issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't have to kow tow to her. She was in YOUR house...:scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Seriously!

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?


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## ralph99 (Nov 28, 2012)

It should arrive today!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

A friend of mine who is also a notorious "nice guy" has that book and finally read half of it last night and broke up with this girl he's been stressing over not wanting to date (but still dating because he didn't want to hurt her feelings), after reading half the book. It opened his eyes to a lot of stuff.


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