# Selfishness or fulfillment?



## Torntwoways (Mar 4, 2009)

I have an internal battle going on. I want sex, affection and expressive love. I don't have any of them in a romantic sense. My children provide love, my wife provides friendship. I don't understand her. Her mind has been affected by trauma in an abusive first marriage and it has literally handicapped her in regards to the three things I want. 

She's mad at me, rightfully so, because I never told her I was bisexual until she figured it out last fall. She had been gone for 15 months going to grad school, which was long and hard on our marriage. I had been substituting porn and masturbation, and day-dreams for the three things I want. Selfish choices, because she feels betrayed. There never was another person, or affair, but the affect is the same. I hadn't touched a man since I was 16, but when she heard the truth she was horrified. 

Our sex life always suffered from her problems. She has initiated sex 3 times in a 12 year marriage. I'm sure I was no ideal lover (pretty hard to be when you've never had sex with anyone else). 

My problem is that I remain unfulfilled. I get sexual release from masturbation, but nothing beyond that. Perhaps its deeper. I crave friendship. Men turn me on, especially young hot ones. Women, including her, also can, though less so, and I never got serious with too many of them. 

My wife just won't take any steps towards solving her issues. At least not beyond talking to ecclesiastical leaders. Real healing isn't something she ever seeks. She tolerates our marriage counseling but finds it really painful. She just doesn't seek an alternative. 

I don't really believe I can "cure" being bisexual. I've felt attraction on both sides since I was 14. Putting it deep in the closet worked pretty well for the first 3 years of our marriage, and for quite a while before we were married. (10 years) I have no problems having sex, and enjoy it a great deal when my wife is actually "participating." She is beautiful, I'm a good looking guy. 

Mentally though, I'm just not in control, and I keep wondering if I'll ever really get control of all this again? Will my marriage ever be fulfilling? I'm just in a spot where the fulfillment and selfishness dilemma has struck me. If I give up all traces of the selfish side, will I ever have fulfillment. I feel like its completely out of my hands. 

My wife would and has said she just has no trust left. We haven't touched each other since she found out other than one hug. 

Guidance? Experience? Anyone out there know what its like to be bisexual and married?


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

When I told my hubby that I had sex with women in the past, I kind of expected him to view it the way most men do, as a sort of harmless sexual experience.

I was really surprised when he found it really disturbing. Hubby comes from a different background than I do and views things differently. Previous men I'd been with wouldn't really considered it deeply.

So anyway in turn I got quite upset, made harder by the fact that work obligations was keeping us apart. I think it made me realise that I was in love with him and I got a little bit scared that it was going to end the relationship.

So in the end we both reached an understanding, He accepted that Just because I'd been involved with women in the past didn't mean that I was incapable of remaining faithful to a man. And I accepted that I had to draw a line under those sexual experiences, that while other men might view them as a sort of turn on he didn't, I didn't do anything that I was ashamed of but what was in the past was in the past.

What I'm saying is that you're being bi-sexual is a moot point. You're married to a woman so you fancying guys in the past is totally irrelevant. Make that clear to your wife then let the issue die.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Torntwoways-

How long since you had sex?

I wrote an artile about things that put women off sex. I think you bi-ness was just a trigger, nothing more. Read this and let me know: Sexless Marraige?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sarah.rslp-

As hubby gets older, he may loosen up. I certainly have. I used to be full of ideals, now I just don't give a £$%&&.

So don't be surprised if he brings up the subject himself in a few years time, with a glint in his eye. You can bet your bottom dollar it will play on his mind from time to time.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

the fact here is, your wife was let down by you also. a second marriage that failed in her heart.
ok im telling the truth here. i admit i have been with a woman and i have fancied other women. but my love is with my husband.
i do fantasise stil and admit i could have gone with a couple of women , but im fussy. i doubt i would do it again.
but fact remains here, i was confused about my sexuality because my ex had had multiple affairs and when i found out. 
i wondered what was wrong with me!. why didnt my ex want me, i was a good wife etc etc etc..........
in actual fact there was nothing wrong with me.
but the feelings you have are stronger for the opposite sex and really i think your fooling yourself.
i read from your post and you seem to blame her alot for her issues, when you harbour your own.
you need to resolve your issues too.. 
so class me as bisexual if you wish and yes im married.
but i met the girl when i was divorcing and unattached. i have never done it whilst married, but as i said i have fantasised. to the point where my H and i thought a threesome might be an idea.
however this didnt work out. 
my H knows all about my life and everything in it. 
my answer to your question - no you wont feel fullfilled and your not selfish in your feelings - because their your feelings.
its just how your feelings unfortunately have transcended to and affected your relationships with ppl that are around and know you.
its not a case of the grass is greener with you.
but you might need to be one of those who has to experience what you desire to know what you want in the end. not a bad thing/not a good thing.
you could lose your wife. bt then have you already lost her??????

all i say is gay men are very promicous and i personally know even those in relationships had the odd threesome once a month. it really is a different world.

i know your not stupid - but dont put your wife at risk , then yourself. you are being unfair to her.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> sarah.rslp-
> 
> As hubby gets older, he may loosen up. I certainly have. I used to be full of ideals, now I just don't give a £$%&&.
> 
> So don't be surprised if he brings up the subject himself in a few years time, with a glint in his eye. You can bet your bottom dollar it will play on his mind from time to time.


As it was the closest hubby came to chucking me, I think I'm quite happy to let the subject stay dead and buried.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> As it was the closest hubby came to chucking me, I think I'm quite happy to let the subject stay dead and buried.


I hear you. All I'm saying is that it's not just women that are incomprehensible... Don't be surprised if he does a "180" at some point.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> I hear you. All I'm saying is that it's not just women that are incomprehensible... Don't be surprised if he does a "180" at some point.


As it would be completly out of character for him, I think I would be surprised.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> As it would be completly out of character for him, I think I would be surprised.


If you are both young, you *will* surprise each other from time to time over the next few years.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> If you are both young, you *will* surprise each other from time to time over the next few years.


Sorry I'm not being clear. I know my husband quite well. He's fairly straight forward. Him finding out that I had been in a lesbian relationship was very hard for him to accept. It was a very difficult time for me. He's not going to wake up one day to discover that he thinks it's a huge turn on. As far as I'm concerned the whole thing is dead and buried and I only brought it up in reference to the original poster.


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## Torntwoways (Mar 4, 2009)

To Mark Twain,

We haven't had sex since September, and before that it was June 08.


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## Torntwoways (Mar 4, 2009)

Mark Twain,



> The most difficult group was composed of women who had been sexually abused as youngsters. With them, the severity of the problem depended on how bad the abuse was, how religious their upbringing was, and whether they were willing to seek help in accepting sexuality as a normal part of marriage


This is my wife, though I think her "youth" was husband number one. When I asked her how she ever managed to have children with him, she told me he forced her. Physical, verbal, mental and sexual abuse from a mentally ill monster.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Torntwoways said:


> Mark Twain,
> This is my wife, though I think her "youth" was husband number one. When I asked her how she ever managed to have children with him, she told me he forced her. Physical, verbal, mental and sexual abuse from a mentally ill monster.


OK.
In that case, this is a hard one.
So I have to ask you two things.
1) How is her general mental state.
2) Is she willing to discuss your sexual needs/getting therapy?


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## Torntwoways (Mar 4, 2009)

re Mark Twain:

Her mental state is stable but weak. Small things push her to reactions most people don't have. Going to marriage counseling about drives her crazy. 

She goes to the counseling, and the counselor has given her "tasks" to do to get things moving. Very reluctant to do them. I'm not sure she really knows if she wants to be married. For example, the counselor told her I was supposed to rub her feet, and vice versa. I did so, she was "too tired." 

Most of our talking about the topic happens with the counselor, though I have made a few comments, like telling her the Dog gets more affection from her than I do. (I wasn't kidding)


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