# Dividing up housework



## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Hi - I'm new to the forums, and not sure if this is exactly the right place to post. Please let me know if it's not 

I've been married for 2 years now to my husband - we're both young, I'm 23 and he's 24. We were both active duty military when we met and married, he separated from the service last December and I've already re-enlisted for another three years. Our plan was, I will stay in so that we have a steady income/health insurance/guaranteed home, while he goes to school; by the time my next enlistment is up, he should have his degree and a job and I can go to school full-time.

I have absolutely no problem with my husband not working - it's a hard adjustment to go to basically one income (he gets GI Bill but only while in school), but I told him point-blank I would rather he stay home and concentrate fully on school and his future career than get a job to make us more comfortable in the short run. I know that he struggles occasionally with his studies, so I actually would prefer him NOT to work, so he can get the best grades he can get and have the opportunity to go to post-graduate school if he wants to. He's played with the idea of being a lawyer the entire time I've known him, and I'd hate him to miss out on law school because of a low GPA.

However, as he's home all day, I do ask him to keep up with the housework and take care of our dogs. This makes sense to me; I don't ask him to keep everything sparkling, but as he spends more time at home than I do during the week, he has more of an opportunity to tidy up. I do the majority of the cooking, I wash/sort/fold laundry, he puts the trash out for pickup weekly and does the yard work, but otherwise we share cleaning responsibilities. 

But he doesn't clean!

I tried writing down all the chores. I tried assigning different cleaning tasks to different days to better break it up. I tried offering "incentives" to get him to clean. His usual M.O. goes something like this (as an example):

On Tuesday, he will clean the house beautifully. Thursday I might ask him to put the dishes in the dishwasher from the night before and vacuum the living room. He doesn't. I mention it and he'll say "but on Tuesday I cleaned the WHOLE house!". This usually starts an argument. And the cycle repeats itself weekly.

He seems to get really defensive every time I mention that since I am working full-time I really need him to at least help me on the housework, and likes to respond with "well, I'm earning a full-time income too (the GI Bill when school is in session)". I'm at my wits end. I love this man but seriously, I'm exhausted! I can't work 8-10 hour days, come home, cook dinner, take care of the dogs, and clean the house every day. This is a little embarrassing to admit, but I'm usually too tired to even think of intimacy. And we don't have children yet!

That was a wall of text, I apologize. But any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in any case for letting me vent


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

What is his school load like? How much time with classes and studying is reasonable for him?

I think it is reasonable to expect him to do work around the house. But your posts seems to expect him to do it all. Is this correct? Not sure this is any more fair either. 

Also, I think you may not be hearing what he is saying. You wrote the following:



> On Tuesday, he will clean the house beautifully. Thursday I might ask him to put the dishes in the dishwasher from the night before and vacuum the living room. He doesn't. I mention it and he'll say "but on Tuesday I cleaned the WHOLE house!". This usually starts an argument. And the cycle repeats itself weekly.


From your post, I get that you interpret this as him thinking he did work on Tuesday, so he should not do the work on Thursday. But, consider that this is him saying I cleaned on Tuesday, does the carpet really need vacuuming again only two days later? Part of your problem may be that he has a different standard of clean than you do. So work to reach a compromise, so that you can concentrate on what is critical to both of you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Does your husband tell you how to do your job?

Sounds like he is cleaning just not to your satisfaction.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to make a chore chart. Take turns picking things you will be responsible for, until all items are accounted for. Then, whatever he signed up for, it's his job to get them done when and how he wants (unless it makes the house unsanitary or unhealthy).


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Thank you for all the replies. I think you all hit on the same thing - we haven't really defined what "clean" is for both of us, and need to.

Again, thank you!!!


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

I am moving in with my FH when he returns from work overseas in August. I plan on doing ALL of the chores - cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. I have no shame in admitting i LOVE doing that. I told him to get rid of his housekeeper as I want to take care of him and his home. 

His chores will consist of being doing occasional dishes, all of the grocery shopping (he loves doing that) and garbage etc. But everything else - gardening, etc. etc. will be my job! I can't wait. I have lived on my own for 14 years I've grown used to doing things MY way!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Tell him to focus on school but since he doesn't like or understand how to clean that he needs to get a part time job covering the epenses to keep a second car on the road and to pay for the maid that will clean the house and do the chores he dislikes so much.

You have reasonable expectations and he's not meeting them. Period.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Thank you all for the replies!

@justdance: I have no problems with cleaning, I actually really enjoy it. My frustration stems from the fact that cleaning is solely my responsibility. If I have a day where I am tired or sick and just need to rest, I can't depend on my husband to help me with the chores, and that's what is difficult.

@Thundarr: Thank you for your idea; he's been pushing for a second job, but more for "play money" (since my paycheck pays the bills) than for anything else. A maid would definitely add to my peace of mind! I'll mention it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You sound like you're going to ask his permission. If you make enough money, INFORM him (that you will be getting one), don't just mention it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But the real issue here is that you're setting a precedent - that it will ALWAYS be only your job. THAT discussion must take place.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Thank you again; this forum has been a wonderful resource.

We are going to MC (not just for this, we've been having issues for a while), and the counselor managed to get him to say that he would help if he got to write down the chores and place them on his X-Box so he sees it. He's a tactile person and wants something he can see and touch.

I've tried this approach before with no success, but I'll try again; this morning I left a short list (he insisted that I write the list instead of him, because "well I don't know what you want in a list, so how can I write one"), we'll see if that works.

So my new question is: what do I do when/if the things I ask for help on aren't accomplished? He isn't my child, I can't punish him or take away privileges or yell at him (although it's really hard not to sometimes). I've tried leaving the chore undone; with dishes, for example, he will leave them there until there are literally maggots in the sink and he's eating off of scraps of paper towel with his bare hands. With laundry, he'll let it pile up until he has no clean clothes and is wearing dirty clothing. I don't want to keep lists, I know that's not productive.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You talk AHEAD OF TIME about what's on the list, when he will do it, and what happens if he doesn't. Figure out some consequences.

For example, my IC told me I needed to get my H to agree to do at least ONE chore, as I was stressing out so bad. I asked him. He refused. Flat out refused. So I sat and stewed for a few days and then just decided if HE wouldn't help me out and take one chore off my list, I would have to take one off on my own. So I asked myself, what chore wouldn't affect ME if it wasn't done? His laundry, of course! So I stopped washing his clothes. After a few weeks and he ran out of clean clothes, he blew up at me. How DARE I stop doing his laundry?! I just shrugged and said 'I ASKED you to help me; you refused. So since you wouldn't help me take stress off of me, I had to do it myself. Your laundry seemed like the logical choice.' And then I walked away (to go do more chores). 

He didn't say a word. But a couple hours later, one of the to-dos on our list got done; and then another. So I washed a load of his clothes.


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