# Kids dating and dealing with ex's opposing views



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

My 13 year old girl is boy crazy. Just clamors for attention from anyone that will give it to her. My ex feels the need to coach her through each "relationship" like it's something that's seriously going to last more than a week. Until recently she'd claimed a few "boyfriends" but they never last more than 2 weeks before she gets bored and finds someone else that will talk mushy to her all the time.

I say until recently because about 2 months ago she met this kid while in another town about an hour away. They exchanged numbers and have been texting non-stop ever since. Long story short however this kid is not someone I want being around my daughter or my family for that matter. My ex doesn't see it that way. She's taken them to the movies twice, once with my sons in tow. 

In my opinion if I hear about a boy that my daughter is dating, and I know from reliable sources that he's bad news, my reaction is to force her to sever all contact with that person. In my ex's opinion if I do that then it just creates an even stronger bond between them and it will be harder to deal with.

I understand that I can't stop my daughter from growing up and having feelings and hormones to deal with. I can't stop her from having a boyfriend at school (and I count my blessings that this kid is home schooled an hour away from us). But when there's truly a bad influence over her I should be able to put a stop to it.

The ex is always harping on co-parenting and making decisions for the kids based on mutual agreement so they still see that there is no chance to play one parent against the other. What my ex doesn't realize is my daughter has already figured out all her moms buttons and pushes them at will to get her way. However my daughter knows that I'll snatch that phone out of her hand in a heartbeat if she's disrespectful or grades become an issue.

So, advice? I know every kid is different but I imagined her being at least 15 or 16 and being chaperoned on dates with boys that we actually approve of rather than this crap. And yes, my ex is well aware of the issues I have with this boy but she's still adamant that our daughter has to figure out he's bad on her own.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

She is "dating" at 13? Like actually going "out" alone or only groups or??


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Blossom Leigh said:


> She is "dating" at 13? Like actually going "out" alone or only groups or??


Her mom has taken her to the movies twice with this boy.....first time just daughter "boyfriend" and my ex. she was in the theater and a row behind them the entire time. Second movie same scenario but she never told me they were going, she took the 2 boys (11 and 7) with them so it was apparently a kids movie. 

so she's technically never alone with him if my ex is actually paying attention. but with our two sons in tow I don't see how she could be.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I think it sets a dangerous precedent that will not be easily overcome. 13 is WAY too young. imo

I started dating alone with boys at the age of 14. It did not bode well for me. My parents should have handled that differently.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

My ex also thought it was cute about a year ago to let my daughter try on a wedding dress at goodwill and text me the pic........I didn't find it funny.....especially considering she'd just found her first "boyfriend" and the ex was gushing over it like someone that just got a new puppy.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I also have a problem with the ex wanting to "co-parent" to the point she wants to come into my apartment when she's dropping off kids and have hour long conversations about stuff with them. Seriously, she dropped them off after her Thursday night dinner with them and I was in the restroom at the time. I came out and sat on the couch for 30 min with my son doing homework when she appears from my daughters room wanting to have a conversation with me that starts with "but you have to promise not to get mad"


My gf of 20 months has been begging me to put an engagement ring on her and move in. she lives 40 minutes away....I'm tempted to do it just so the ex won't feel so comfortable acting this way when it's not technically my house anymore that she's visiting.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

one_strange_otter said:


> My ex also thought it was cute about a year ago to let my daughter try on a wedding dress at goodwill and text me the pic........I didn't find it funny.....especially considering she'd just found her first "boyfriend" and the ex was gushing over it like someone that just got a new puppy.


NO!! What is she thinking!!! This is not ok.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

one_strange_otter said:


> I also have a problem with the ex wanting to "co-parent" to the point she wants to come into my apartment when she's dropping off kids and have hour long conversations about stuff with them. Seriously, she dropped them off after her Thursday night dinner with them and I was in the restroom at the time. I came out and sat on the couch for 30 min with my son doing homework when she appears from my daughters room wanting to have a conversation with me that starts with "but you have to promise not to get mad"
> 
> 
> My gf of 20 months has been begging me to put an engagement ring on her and move in. she lives 40 minutes away....I'm tempted to do it just so the ex won't feel so comfortable acting this way when it's not technically my house anymore that she's visiting.


1. Your ex does not get to dictate your emotions

2. I would resist the urge to run to your GF to run away from your ex


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Your ex is being VERY permissive with your daughter and is setting her up for bad things to happen ... for instance...

My mother thought it would be ok for me to go study at a boy friends house one afternoon. I fought him off for two hours straight. I was 14.

At 16 riding with one friend who wanted to go do something else and I was ready to go home, so asked for a ride home from someone else I knew.. I was not able to fight him off.

And I was no weakling....

At 14 my mother let me lay out on the beach in Ft Lauderdale, FL by myself. I looked 22. I was approached by three men. The first was in his 50's and thought I was a freshman in college instead of highschool. The second was 25 and thought I was 22. The third looked foreign and in his 40's and offered me drugs. All three were turned down thank God, but what could have happened with me alone like that...


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Your ex is being VERY permissive with your daughter and is setting her up for bad things to happen ... for instance...
> 
> My mother thought it would be ok for me to go study at a boy friends house one afternoon. I fought him off for two hours straight. I was 14.
> 
> ...


Thankfully my ex is not at the point of letting her be alone with anyone but she does look like she's 22, not 13. My daughter even gets nervous going out with me by myself because she feels like people will think we're dating. I happen to look a lot younger than 39.

But, considering the ex has taken to making movie dates without talking to me about it I have to wonder how long it is before it's a home visit, then "we'll keep the door open, we just want to talk".........at my place and the ex's the kids bedrooms are not where I can adequately monitor them and the other kids and at the ex's especially both bedrooms are upstairs....


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

IMO thirteen is too young to date, chaparrones or not. And that goes for both girls and boys. Some may disagree with me but the cases I've seen of early dating and vicarious a parent becomes a disaster. If you've done a good job so far about picking and choosing your battles then your ex might follow your lead on this one. At least there's a chance of that if it's the highest priority to you. In the end though, your ex had to actually respect where you're coming and know that you're sincere. Otherwise it'll turn into a "men don't understand girls" thing in her mind. Good luck.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Thundarr said:


> IMO thirteen is too young to date, chaparrones or not. And that goes for both girls and boys. Some may disagree with me but the cases I've seen of early dating and vicarious a parent becomes a disaster. If you've done a good job so far about picking and choosing your battles then your ex might follow your lead on this one. At least there's a chance of that if it's the highest priority to you. In the end though, your ex had to actually respect where you're coming and know that you're sincere. Otherwise it'll turn into a "men don't understand girls" thing in her mind. Good luck.


Right now it's "my mom let me make a few mistakes and I learned" so she is full steam ahead with letting our daughter go on chaperoned dates to movies, etc. Now though because of technology the world is different for kids. I wonder how many kids lives are ruined because of snapchat alone........


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> Right now it's "my mom let me make a few mistakes and I learned" so she is full steam ahead with letting our daughter go on chaperoned dates to movies, etc. Now though because of technology the world is different for kids. I wonder how many kids lives are ruined because of snapchat alone........


I think your ex needs to know that she could be the person sabotaging her daughter now rather than helping her grow. We all like to think our kids are the most responsible, smartest, infallible kids ever to walk the earth but that's prideful and dangerous most of the time. I'm sure there's some really good and well respected literature out there about the pitfalls of letting young teens date. It's just risky business and who wants to put their kids at risk. I'd make sure to focus on the point of how pride let's parents set their kids up for failure by expecting too much from them. Young teens will become adults one day but they are not little adults.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

one_strange_otter said:


> Thankfully my ex is not at the point of letting her be alone with anyone but she does look like she's 22, not 13. My daughter even gets nervous going out with me by myself because she feels like people will think we're dating. I happen to look a lot younger than 39.
> 
> But, considering the ex has taken to making movie dates without talking to me about it I have to wonder how long it is before it's a home visit, then "we'll keep the door open, we just want to talk".........at my place and the ex's the kids bedrooms are not where I can adequately monitor them and the other kids and at the ex's especially both bedrooms are upstairs....


Yea, she is already exploding the boundaries on what should be done at this age...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I know Dr Phil is entertainment TV but I'm a fan of his thought process anyway. Here's what the website says about young teens dating.



> How young is too young? Dr. Phil says that teenagers, especially younger pre-teens, don't need to have boyfriends and girlfriends. Still, he knows that young relationships do form. Here is his advice for parents:
> 
> - Teenagers shouldn't have serious dating relationships. No 14-year-old needs to have an intense boyfriend or girlfriend. Encourage group dates supervised by an adult.
> 
> ...


So a guy who's opinion I respect set some guidelines and they seem to make sense to me. I agree with every bullet upon reading them but the one that stands out the most to me is talking to your daughter about sex. Trust me that when sex is something dad talks to her about, it will make a difference.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

I think it would be in your best interest to read a book about human sexuality.

Your daughter is right on track with where she should be and your ex is smart going with her to chaperone. 

You are seriously over reacting.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

With the right boy I'm ok with allowing movie dates or dinner dates (chaperoned by an adult). Just not with this particular boy. He's 2 yrs older which is a lot when you're talking jr high vs high school, does drugs, sleeps around as much as he can and dropped out of school. I know this about him and that's why I won't enable the relationship. My ex though is a "have to see it for myself" kind of person no matter how bad you tell her someone is. So, the kid acts like a perfect gentleman when they go out, he compliments my ex on stuff, thanks her for letting them see each other, etc. He's got her figured out completely. So the ex see's him as a troubled kid who's trying to do better. I know his friends and they all tell me that my daughter is just a prize for him because she's a virgin and is a good kid that makes a's in school and doesn't get in trouble.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> My ex also thought it was cute about a year ago to let my daughter try on a wedding dress at goodwill and text me the pic........I didn't find it funny.....especially considering she'd just found her first "boyfriend" and the ex was gushing over it like someone that just got a new puppy.


Girls love to dress up. Trying on a wedding dress is just girl fun. You are making way too much out of the wedding dress incident. 

I think that you need to pick your battles a bit better.

I do agree that your daughter is too young to date. But what is happening is not really dating. Her mother is chaperoning. This gives your daughter a chance to see that these relationships are very short lived. Since she has already had crushes on more on the one or two guys, with proper guidance she might mature enough to realize that none of them were special and that she needs to give things time with a guy see if he's worthy of her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> With the right boy I'm ok with allowing movie dates or dinner dates (chaperoned by an adult). Just not with this particular boy. He's 2 yrs older which is a lot when you're talking jr high vs high school, does drugs, sleeps around as much as he can and dropped out of school. I know this about him and that's why I won't enable the relationship. My ex though is a "have to see it for myself" kind of person no matter how bad you tell her someone is. So, the kid acts like a perfect gentleman when they go out, he compliments my ex on stuff, thanks her for letting them see each other, etc. He's got her figured out completely. So the ex see's him as a troubled kid who's trying to do better. I know his friends and they all tell me that my daughter is just a prize for him because she's a virgin and is a good kid that makes a's in school and doesn't get in trouble.


He lives an hour away. How do you know all of these details about him?

My daughter went through this period of having a new boy friend every week or two. What I found is that if we objected to the guy, it drove her more towards him. So we took a different tacktic. We went the other way in that we were very good with each of the guys. The couple who were very troublesome I really put on the act for. When they came over to see her, I spent a lot of time talking to the guys. I told her how great they were. I invited them over for dinner. 

Basically I knew that they guys were up to no good.. so my showering them with invitations to dinner and motherly attention drove them away. That was not what they were looking for. My daughter was also not looking for motherly (and fatherly) approval of her 'boyfriends'. She was in a rebellious stage. So the more I acted like I liked the guy, the quicker she would drop him.

I'm not wild about your wife nurturing the relationships because your daughter is way too young. But I think she's right on with the idea that if you try to forbid the relationships you will turn it into a Romeo & Juliet type thing where your daughter feels like the world is against her love. And this guy, if he's truly not a good guy, will take advantage of her wanting to protect him from you, the bad guy.

Maybe you could take them on a few outings and act like you think he's ok. That might very well send this guy packing.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It seems you have two different problems going on: 1) parenting your 13 yr old and 2) maintaining boundaries with the ex. Both are filled with turmoil.

Right now I would think maintaining appropriate boundaries with the ex will make co-parenting run more smoothly. If there's a "promise you won't get mad....." reply, "I make no such promises" before she gets her story out. Tell her you've made plans and that its time for her to go.
If you've made your feelings known to the ex that this guy is not appropriate, and she still sets up these movie dates-she's not abiding by any co-parenting plan or agreement. She's ignoring you.
(Again, no boundaries).


IMHO, 13 is too young to date, but I'm not your child's parent, so who am I to tell you how to parent.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> He lives an hour away. How do you know all of these details about him?
> 
> My daughter went through this period of having a new boy friend every week or two. What I found is that if we objected to the guy, it drove her more towards him. So we took a different tacktic. We went the other way in that we were very good with each of the guys. The couple who were very troublesome I really put on the act for. When they came over to see her, I spent a lot of time talking to the guys. I told her how great they were. I invited them over for dinner.
> 
> ...


He lives in the same town as my girlfriend and she knows the family and my girlfriends daughter and this kid have friends in common......small town, everybody knows your business. I wonder how it would turn out if I set up my daughter to meet some of the girls he's slept around on and get their opinion of what a swell guy he is.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I'm going to be the odd ball out here.

My oldest boy is 14, he has been with his girlfriend (13) for 8 months now.

Personally, I think it depends on the maturity level of the teenagers. Both sets of parents (us and hers) are very comfortable with the level of maturity both teenagers have displayed. My boy knows I wouldn't approve of anything less that utter total respect of his girlfriend. I talk frequently with both of them as do her parents. We are completely in the know and both have come to both sets of parents for advice, to talk things out and just touch base.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> He lives in the same town as my girlfriend and she knows the family and my girlfriends daughter and this kid have friends in common......small town, everybody knows your business. I wonder how it would turn out if I set up my daughter to meet some of the girls he's slept around on and get their opinion of what a swell guy he is.


That might work as long as she does not know that you set it up on purpose.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm with you op. My oldest is only 9 but I know the dating thing is coming and I know it will be an issue with my x wife. She would be like your x it seems and ok with 13 and dating. I won't be. I'm prepared for the fight...just not looking forward to it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My brother-in-law was not at all comfortable with his daughter dating. (She's since married a wonderful guy). My BIL never put an age limit on her activity. His only rule was that before she could go out on a date with a guy, the boy had to come to the house and have dinner with the family. Apparently, that was pretty intimidating for most of the boys in her high school.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hm - lots of good points - and every girl is different in levels of maturity. I let my daughter go out in a group to the movies, the mall or a restaurant at that age but she is very mature and not likely to let others influence her. Also she still (at 16) doesn't seem to need male attention. She likes it and she likes some boys but she'll draw a line and let them go before compromising herself. I recently discovered a boy she liked asked for some photos and she refused. She skipped an important dance and did the 180 (with no guidance - it was natural LOL). Suddenly he has changed his tune. Perhaps she established her worth with him. He's still interested and she is "meh" now.

However another girl is like your daughter. The phrase that worried me wasn't dating, boyfriend, etc. but the fact she loves and craves male attention. She really needs to find her self worth in WHO she is, not from external validation established by shaky criteria that boys like.

I suggest you etiher get her into counseling or talk more about things of substance. Also maybe talk about her friends or watch shows and start a dialog about choices and repercussions but do it by asking questions. "Why do you think your friend Shelly flirts with so many boys?" "Do you think she doesn't feel important unless boys are paying her attention?" "What does that make the boys think about the kind of person she is?" and so on. Teen Mom shows are a great way to start a discussion about the deep stuff because it's not PERSONAL - not about HER.

Maybe do some volunteer work with her. Help develop a sense of self that doesn't require the assurance from others that she has worth as a person. It's fine to compliment appearances but focus on compliments that are based on intelligence, perseverance, generosity and other facets of good character. Maybe ask her what makes a good person and then ask her what characteristics she has that make her a good person. Ask what she doesn't like about herself that isn't physical. Maybe she views herself as awkward, for example. Then you compliment how she handled bumping into that adult friend of yours at the Starbucks - how self-assured and graceful she was. 

Sorry to be long - I'm more about practical actions than griping about the Mom. You can certainly tell her you think they are both putting too much emphasis on male/female relationships because she has plenty of time for that. But the thing that is driving your daughter to seek them out is the need for attention. Find out why. Address the cause and the rest will resolve itself.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> My brother-in-law was not at all comfortable with his daughter dating. (She's since married a wonderful guy). My BIL never put an age limit on her activity. His only rule was that before she could go out on a date with a guy, the boy had to come to the house and have dinner with the family. Apparently, that was pretty intimidating for most of the boys in her high school.


I'm banking on being the cop dad will help me intimidate away the little bastards myself


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