# 21 years and in a new town



## Lost in a small city (7 mo ago)

Hi, so like everyone else here I never thought I would be here! My story begins 23 years ago when I met my wife. She was my neighbor and it was pretty much instant love. She had a 2 year old son from a previous marriage and he is an amazing young man now with a family of his own. His biological father was never part of the picture and took his own life when our son was 5 years old. At any rate we made it through that and were able to have a daughter of our own who is now 19 and is in college. She is also an amazing person so I feel like we had a good stable foundation of a marriage and led by good example. I am the one who has the career and as she stayed home with the children when they were young. She has explored a few careers with little to no success as the children grew older and has been through two schools. We haven’t struggled financially so the issue wasn’t ever an issue other than self worth for her (which I completely understand). I have always supported her ideas and never discouraged her. Enough history as far as that goes. Fast forward to the year before last. Our daughter was going to be attending school out of state and we decided it would be good to move to a new home. We explored areas in the city we lived in but ultimately decided to build a new home in her home town (which is a small city of around 60,000). We had the home built on a beautiful piece of land and everything seemed to just click into place. We moved here one year ago and everything was fine until maybe late February of this year. She became distant and dismissive (she has never been like that and has always been kind and caring). Even her family (who is here) would ask me what was going on. I didn’t know but was rolling with it and giving her space due to the fact that she said she had started “the change”. I began reading on how to support her through this and things just got more distant. She has been my best friend since we met. She was/is always on her phone and would leave at odd times and get home late at night. My gut told me what was happening but I didn’t want to admit it. It was in May when I glanced at her phone (as we were sitting on the couch together) and saw a chat that nobody who is married wants to see. She was/is at the very least having an emotional affair. I am not one to wait around to see what happens so I confronted her on the chat. She looked sheepish and knew it wasn’t right but played it off and kept telling me I was making more of it than what it is. All I saw was that she couldn’t wait to have some snuggles. None the less she deflected this onto me and told me she was lonely. I said that if she was lonely that we could have avoided this by talking or by other means but that her snuggling with someone else isn’t the right way to address the problem. She decided that she wants a divorce. I have had some time to process this and realize that at this point she definitely wants out but it doesn’t make it easy. We are proceeding in an amicable manner and remain in communication but things don’t move incredibly fast. We are still living together so it is a little strange but it is what it is. She tells me she wants to still be my best friend and she wants me to stay in this town but the only reason I moved here was for her to be close to her family so I will ultimately move away once this is final as I don’t have friends here and there seem to be no support groups for divorcing people. Even the meet ups are super limited. That being said I am incredibly lonely and I am just looking for a group that can be of support when I am feeling low. Any suggestions on how to meet people in a smaller community would be great as well. I have friends but the closest ones are 4 hours away. I talk to them on the phone or through text but unless someone is going through this they can’t really understand. I have a therapist on board but again I only see them once a week.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Brother, I am sorry this is happening to you. I think you have the right idea and should move away as soon as you can. The gall of her to ask to still be best friends with you while she cheats on you? That is terrible. She's a cake eater.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How soon can you leave her town?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sorry you're going through this. It's very weird the sudden change she went through. I'm having a little trouble believing that moving to that town was coincidental and had nothing to do with her thinking about leaving the marriage. 

If it's really hard for you to stay in the house with her, maybe you could do a 6-month lease until you get your divorce finalized. It won't solve your loneliness problem but it might ease some tension.


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## Lost in a small city (7 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Brother, I am sorry this is happening to you. I think you have the right idea and should move away as soon as you can. The gall of her to ask to still be best friends with you while she cheats on you? That is terrible. She's a cake eater.


Thanks, I was thinking I was going crazy wondering to myself “why does she still want to be my best friend if she wants a divorce”? I had never heard the term cake eater but it makes sense. I guess a fall back when stuff goes wrong. One thing she has given me is a ton of time to be alone so I am discovering that it wasn’t a healthy relationship.


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## Lost in a small city (7 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sorry you're going through this. It's very weird the sudden change she went through. I'm having a little trouble believing that moving to that town was coincidental and had nothing to do with her thinking about leaving the marriage.
> 
> If it's really hard for you to stay in the house with her, maybe you could do a 6-month lease until you get your divorce finalized. It won't solve your loneliness problem but it might ease some tension.


Thanks, I was thinking the same thing that she has a big support group here so probably not a coincidence. It’s kinda funny though that she is afraid to tell her family. Perplexing. She is gone most of the time so things aren’t terrible. I am able to work from anywhere so I have some trips planned. We have a a spare bedroom so that is my wing. Meet in the break room occasionally.


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## Lost in a small city (7 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> How soon can you leave her town?


I want to stay until we get a settlement statement done. I am not sure how long that will take but we are able to reach agreement on most everything so hopefully not long. The state I live in makes it pretty easy. 50/50 on joint assets, the negotiation is on the alimony.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lost in a small city said:


> Hi, so like everyone else here I never thought I would be here! My story begins 23 years ago when I met my wife. She was my neighbor and it was pretty much instant love. She had a 2 year old son from a previous marriage and he is an amazing young man now with a family of his own. His biological father was never part of the picture and took his own life when our son was 5 years old. At any rate we made it through that and were able to have a daughter of our own who is now 19 and is in college. She is also an amazing person so I feel like we had a good stable foundation of a marriage and led by good example. I am the one who has the career and as she stayed home with the children when they were young. She has explored a few careers with little to no success as the children grew older and has been through two schools. We haven’t struggled financially so the issue wasn’t ever an issue other than self worth for her (which I completely understand). I have always supported her ideas and never discouraged her. Enough history as far as that goes. Fast forward to the year before last. Our daughter was going to be attending school out of state and we decided it would be good to move to a new home. We explored areas in the city we lived in but ultimately decided to build a new home in her home town (which is a small city of around 60,000). We had the home built on a beautiful piece of land and everything seemed to just click into place. We moved here one year ago and everything was fine until maybe late February of this year. She became distant and dismissive (she has never been like that and has always been kind and caring). Even her family (who is here) would ask me what was going on. I didn’t know but was rolling with it and giving her space due to the fact that she said she had started “the change”. I began reading on how to support her through this and things just got more distant. She has been my best friend since we met. She was/is always on her phone and would leave at odd times and get home late at night. My gut told me what was happening but I didn’t want to admit it. It was in May when I glanced at her phone (as we were sitting on the couch together) and saw a chat that nobody who is married wants to see. She was/is at the very least having an emotional affair. I am not one to wait around to see what happens so I confronted her on the chat. She looked sheepish and knew it wasn’t right but played it off and kept telling me I was making more of it than what it is. All I saw was that she couldn’t wait to have some snuggles. None the less she deflected this onto me and told me she was lonely. I said that if she was lonely that we could have avoided this by talking or by other means but that her snuggling with someone else isn’t the right way to address the problem. She decided that she wants a divorce. I have had some time to process this and realize that at this point she definitely wants out but it doesn’t make it easy. We are proceeding in an amicable manner and remain in communication but things don’t move incredibly fast. We are still living together so it is a little strange but it is what it is. She tells me she wants to still be my best friend and she wants me to stay in this town but the only reason I moved here was for her to be close to her family so I will ultimately move away once this is final as I don’t have friends here and there seem to be no support groups for divorcing people. Even the meet ups are super limited. That being said I am incredibly lonely and I am just looking for a group that can be of support when I am feeling low. Any suggestions on how to meet people in a smaller community would be great as well. I have friends but the closest ones are 4 hours away. I talk to them on the phone or through text but unless someone is going through this they can’t really understand. I have a therapist on board but again I only see them once a week.


I’m sorry you’re going through this but this scenario is not special at all. What you’ve posted is pretty typical but it’s happening to you. Most like you go into denial. It’s just an emotional affair….. Cheaters don’t divorce normally for an emotional affair. Sorry but the sooner you wake up to reality the better off you’ll be.
She’s blaming you for her affair is very typical blame shifting BS. Just an excuse. Most betrayed spouses will jump into the infamous ‘pick me dance’ which just lowers your status and makes you weak and unattractive.
The ‘let’s be friends’ is typical cheater fare. It’s all for her not you. It helps her alleviate guilt. Be my friend while I have sex with my new boyfriend. Just in case it doesn’t work out she may need you as her plan B backup. Definition of friend - Loyal, honest and trustworthy. She’s not your friend.

Oh and I’m sure she wants you to lie to your kids so they don’t know mom is a lying cheater.
The worst thing you can do is help her and her new boyfriend hide their affair. *Don’t lie to your kids. 

Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Make sure you get a good attorney and get the best possible settlement you can. Finances matter. This is now a business decision
No contact when you are dealing with infidelity is your best path. Let her go. Why would you want to be friends with someone who cheats on you. It’s the ultimate betrayal.
I hope you wake up to reality because if you don’t this will be harder than it needs to be.

If you want to see who her new boyfriend is and howlong it’s been going on go online and view your phone bill. If he’s married you should inform his wife.

Please download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover it’s free and short. It’s helped many.

I would not waste any time on her. She’s shown you who she is. Believe it or suffer longer.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sorry you're going through this. It's very weird the sudden change she went through. I'm having a little trouble believing that moving to that town was coincidental and had nothing to do with her thinking about leaving the marriage.
> 
> If it's really hard for you to stay in the house with her, maybe you could do a 6-month lease until you get your divorce finalized. It won't solve your loneliness problem but it might ease some tension.


Yep, it sounds like this was planned out. The phone bill will probably give you a timeline.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lost in a small city said:


> Thanks, I was thinking the same thing that she has a big support group here so probably not a coincidence. It’s kinda funny though that she is afraid to tell her family. Perplexing. She is gone most of the time so things aren’t terrible. I am able to work from anywhere so I have some trips planned. We have a a spare bedroom so that is my wing. Meet in the break room occasionally.


Cheaters and their affairs aren’t as fun if people find out. It’s not your job to help hide her affair. She’s planning on announcing him as her new found lover once the timing is right.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lost in a small city said:


> I want to stay until we get a settlement statement done. I am not sure how long that will take but we are able to reach agreement on most everything so hopefully not long. The state I live in makes it pretty easy. 50/50 on joint assets, the negotiation is on the alimony.


Find out if infidelity eliminates alimony. If it does it would be to your advantage to go that route. Finances matter. Most cheaters will draw alimony as long as they can. So you can help finance their new relationship.
I’m sure like a lot you probably think she’ll be fair and honest…..
I bet you never thought you’d cheat on you either.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lost in a small city said:


> Thanks, I was thinking I was going crazy wondering to myself “why does she still want to be my best friend if she wants a divorce”? I had never heard the term cake eater but it makes sense. I guess a fall back when stuff goes wrong. One thing she has given me is a ton of time to be alone so I am discovering that it wasn’t a healthy relationship.


She wants to be friends so that she can justify her cheating "SEE, he is still friends with me so it wasn't so bad".
Boot her, move, and then move completely on from her.
Make sure to protect yourself and DO NOT give her more than she should get because you feel bad or want to be a good guy.

Oh yeah -- tell her family about her cheating and that is why you are getting divorced. SHE will try to spin it that it is your fault.
Find out if the guy she is cheating with has a GF/wife -- if so, tell THEM also.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If anyone asks about the divorce I’d just say I don’t like her boyfriend.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

jlg07 said:


> She wants to be friends so that she can justify her cheating "SEE, he is still friends with me so it wasn't so bad".
> Boot her, move, and then move completely on from her.
> Make sure to protect yourself and DO NOT give her more than she should get because you feel bad or want to be a good guy.
> 
> ...


Yep, this is is important. I still love her so I want to be as fair as possible. She doesn’t love you bud or she wouldn’t be cheating. This is your new reality. This is who she is.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Do you have any idea who this person is she is having the affair with? Also you maybe able to leverage part of the divorce by telling her you will not expose her affair to everyone


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She may want you as Plan B in case Plan A (probably an ex) doesn’t work out.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It’s hard taking all this in while you are in shock dealing with something you never thought you’d have to deal with. Keep posting for more info. A lot here have been through what you are dealing with.
As with ant forum take what you need. Leave the rest.
Good luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Openminded said:


> She may want you as Plan B in case Plan A (probably an ex) doesn’t work out.


This sounds like it’s been planned out maybe for a year or two. But most cheaters feel like they are irreplaceable. They don’t think their new relationship will end but it’s always nice to have a backup plan.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lost in a small city said:


> Thanks, I was thinking I was going crazy wondering to myself “why does she still want to be my best friend if she wants a divorce”? I had never heard the term cake eater but it makes sense. I guess a fall back when stuff goes wrong. One thing she has given me is a ton of time to be alone so I am discovering that it wasn’t a healthy relationship.


It is also to assuage guilt. If she can remain friends, she can convince herself that she didn't hurt you as bad due to her affair. 

Me...me...me...

"I don't remain friends with people who betray me."

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Show the courts that she has the ability to earn money! Use that potential earnings as her income amount when you submit the court papers.

tell her family she’s cheating. Tell your kids too.

then make sure the house has to be sold so she doesn’t end up with the house you built her. Get a clean break - the money from the house (or half) and leave her behind! She isn’t who you thought she was.

hope you meet someone new and nice!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

The only reason she wants to remain friends = so she can continue to manipulate and use you! Tell her your friends treat you way better than she has.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lost in a small city said:


> Thanks, I was thinking I was going crazy wondering to myself “why does she still want to be my best friend if she wants a divorce”? I had never heard the term cake eater but it makes sense. I guess a fall back when stuff goes wrong. One thing she has given me is a ton of time to be alone so I am discovering that it wasn’t a healthy relationship.


My husbands ex also wanted to be 'friends', but for her it meant she wanted him to do jobs for her round the house and garden. How any cheater can think you would want to be still be besties is beyond me. Your children are adults, there will be no need for you to have any contact except for at their weddings/graduations etc. 
Hopefully you can get the house sold quickly and move away to where you want to live.
I suspect she was already in this affair before you moved back to her home town.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lost in a small city said:


> I want to stay until we get a settlement statement done. I am not sure how long that will take but we are able to reach agreement on most everything so hopefully not long. The state I live in makes it pretty easy. 50/50 on joint assets, the negotiation is on the alimony.


Hopefully it will be based on her potential earnings. It sounds as if she has done some training/courses etc so her potential earning will be based on that as well. Also make sure you only pay alimony until she moves in with or marries someone else if you can. Very sad that you will loose the home you so recently had built.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Lost in a small city said:


> Hi, so like everyone else here I never thought I would be here! My story begins 23 years ago when I met my wife. She was my neighbor and it was pretty much instant love. She had a 2 year old son from a previous marriage and he is an amazing young man now with a family of his own. His biological father was never part of the picture and took his own life when our son was 5 years old. At any rate we made it through that and were able to have a daughter of our own who is now 19 and is in college. She is also an amazing person so I feel like we had a good stable foundation of a marriage and led by good example. I am the one who has the career and as she stayed home with the children when they were young. She has explored a few careers with little to no success as the children grew older and has been through two schools. We haven’t struggled financially so the issue wasn’t ever an issue other than self worth for her (which I completely understand). I have always supported her ideas and never discouraged her. Enough history as far as that goes. Fast forward to the year before last. Our daughter was going to be attending school out of state and we decided it would be good to move to a new home. We explored areas in the city we lived in but ultimately decided to build a new home in her home town (which is a small city of around 60,000). We had the home built on a beautiful piece of land and everything seemed to just click into place. We moved here one year ago and everything was fine until maybe late February of this year. She became distant and dismissive (she has never been like that and has always been kind and caring). Even her family (who is here) would ask me what was going on. I didn’t know but was rolling with it and giving her space due to the fact that she said she had started “the change”. I began reading on how to support her through this and things just got more distant. She has been my best friend since we met. She was/is always on her phone and would leave at odd times and get home late at night. My gut told me what was happening but I didn’t want to admit it. It was in May when I glanced at her phone (as we were sitting on the couch together) and saw a chat that nobody who is married wants to see. She was/is at the very least having an emotional affair. I am not one to wait around to see what happens so I confronted her on the chat. She looked sheepish and knew it wasn’t right but played it off and kept telling me I was making more of it than what it is. All I saw was that she couldn’t wait to have some snuggles. None the less she deflected this onto me and told me she was lonely. I said that if she was lonely that we could have avoided this by talking or by other means but that her snuggling with someone else isn’t the right way to address the problem. She decided that she wants a divorce. I have had some time to process this and realize that at this point she definitely wants out but it doesn’t make it easy. We are proceeding in an amicable manner and remain in communication but things don’t move incredibly fast. We are still living together so it is a little strange but it is what it is. She tells me she wants to still be my best friend and she wants me to stay in this town but the only reason I moved here was for her to be close to her family so I will ultimately move away once this is final as I don’t have friends here and there seem to be no support groups for divorcing people. Even the meet ups are super limited. That being said I am incredibly lonely and I am just looking for a group that can be of support when I am feeling low. Any suggestions on how to meet people in a smaller community would be great as well. I have friends but the closest ones are 4 hours away. I talk to them on the phone or through text but unless someone is going through this they can’t really understand. I have a therapist on board but again I only see them once a week.


@Lost in a small city I'm very sorry you are here, it's a place where no one wants to be!
You have been deceived!
There is a big chance your STBXW (soon to be ex-wife) was planing this for sometime, which mean she has been having an affair will before that, or at least was planing for that, she just wanted someone ready to take her to jump ships (Monkey Branch), it's up to you if you want to do some digging to find out when it started!

*Here is my advice:

Start with a plan!*
First don't expose yet, pick up the phone and have a talk with your lawyer, ask them if infidelity eliminates/effects alimony, remember in lots of states infidelity does effects alimony even if they are not a fault state!
If it does, immediately higher a PI on a weekend your wife goes out (the days you know she usually spends the night out) he will get proof of her infidelity that will stand up in court, you must tell the PI you need it for court!
If your lawyer tells you it doesn't effect alimony ask him if you can obtain proof of her infidelity for bargaining purpose, example: you will keep these evidence and not tell anyone and even sign an NDA with your/her lawyer if she agrees to eliminate alimony or at least takes a very low % (example: she takes %10 or lower of your base salary as alimony for a small number of fixed years)!

Ask your lawyer if you can secretly record your wife confession of her adultery on a voice recorder (one party consent) if yo can, get a VAR (voice activate recorder) like a Sony brand with a good memory stick (Walmart/BestBuy/Amazon have them, they are cheep), switch the recording and put it in your pocket and sit with your STBXW in a friendly manner and tell her your were thinking about what she said of being friends, but in order to do that you need to have a base of honesty, so ask her first when did she start checking out of the marriage and then ask her is this the time she started her affair, and how long ago did it start and when did she start having sex with her AP (Affair partner), and if she hooked up with him when she visited her family (get all the information you need as much as you can), then thank her for her honesty, tell her you need to digest the information and think about the friendship. So you have your PI and a confession from her!

Please understand, It's NOT OK to be friends with people who betray and deceive you!
like others said:


jlg07 said:


> she wants to be friends so that she can justify her cheating "SEE, he is still friends with me so it wasn't so bad".





Marc878 said:


> The ‘let’s be friends’ is typical cheater fare. It’s all for her not you. It helps her alleviate guilt. Be my friend while I have sex with my new boyfriend. Just in case it doesn’t work out she may need you as her plan B backup. Definition of friend - Loyal, honest and trustworthy. She’s not your friend.





farsidejunky said:


> It is also to assuage guilt. If she can remain friends, she can convince herself that she didn't hurt you as bad due to her affair.


If you don't care about alimony OR the bargaining tactic will not work, then immediately expose, don't wait!
Start telling your kids and her family what is going on (Your VAR recording can help as proof if she denies all wrong doing)

Beware! If you expose to every one (you should do it) there is a big possibility that her AP will drop her like a hot potato, because HE knows he will never be welcomed fully in her family and friends, and maybe the same for him, she will never be fully accepted in his family and friends, he will always have this bad image as a home wrecker, a man who went after a married woman, even your kids might not want anything to do with him (or even her), if he is smart, he will not want to be part of such relationship and environment where he is isolated and treated as a villain!
This might lead her back to you "Plan B" the sucker, she will want to reconcile to get her image back (because it will be the only way)!
You will be a fool if you do!

And if you are a fool, then do not make it easy for her to reconcile!
Divorce must happen! even if you reconcile, you can remarry again to stop any alimony from divorce but you will have an iron-clad prenup this time!
But why do you want to reconcile when you said:


Lost in a small city said:


> One thing she has given me is a ton of time to be alone so I am discovering that it wasn’t a healthy relationship.


@Lost in a small city one thing you will notice in all divorce/infidelity community forums is that the men who get betrayed and become passive, weak, drag themselves and do some ridicules mental gymnastics and say .. (I will take the high road, I'll be the bigger guy, I love her, she was a good mother, we have history ..Etc) are the ones who ALWAYS get shafted, humiliated and ultimately get the bad deals and suffer for many years to come!

All I'm saying is be proactive and smart about it!


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Lost in a small city said:


> Any suggestions on how to meet people in a smaller community would be great as well.


You don't mention what your interests are, but in a town of 60,000 there are bound to be groups that you can join. If you like chess, join a chess club. Tennis? Join a tennis club. Do you golf? If not, you might look into taking it up. All of my friends play golf. I don't but they get together once or twice a week and during the summer, they are taking golf trips somewhere about once a month. Find a church with people your age and get involved in a small group. Join a gym. Get out and do stuff, even if you have to grow into it. Just get out of the house and get away from this woman. And BTW, don't be doing stuff for her while you are in the same house.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I posted this from a post on here at TAM by F102 today. So pasting in your thread so you’ll understand what happened with your wife. I’m very sorry. As said, “let’s be friends” is nothing but a manipulation tactic. She makes herself feel less guilt, but more importantly, she keeps you emotionally in the hook so she can continue to USE YOU.

from F102:

Thanks for referencing my thread. I originally wrote it in response to one poster whose W had reconnected to an ex-BF on Facebook, and it outlined how it can go from "Hey, how's it going?" to "I hate my H's guts and I'm leaving him for you!"

Here's the unabridged version:

Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be just two old friends catching up but soon, if left unchecked, may very well morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted 
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're an excellent father
How you're a great husband
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels a little lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she feels that sometimes you're just "not there" for her
How, okay... you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels appreciated again
How she feels attractive again
How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to her again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you could NEVER give her that
How insensitive you can be some times
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How now she sees that they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Great post by Kaliber.

to add:

when betrayed by the woman a man loves most, it causes huge emotional trauma. 
you feel insecure, have crushed self esteem, can’t see a future…..

These thoughts are normal, but what your mind is telling you is absolutely false!

Your life isn’t over.
You are still a desirable person just like when your wife first met you. But you are also not a cheater, have a good job, have a record of being a good partner in a relationship. 

Guaranteed you will find that there are beautiful, intelligent, loving women out there (likely more than at any point in your life).that will want to have a relationship with you.

You’ll eventually see that you got a blessing from this, which is an opportunity to find someone that truly loves you.

I’m my opinion, there’s a chance your cheater will be back after she runs out of alimony and he has to serve in your role as provider and she has to actually take care of him. What she has with you is going to be hard to repeat.

please don’t be dumb enough to give her another chance to wreck your life!

Btw, there was no emotional affair going on when she was coming home late and leaving for periods if time. She was out dating and having sex with him. Likely your sex life tanked when she started trying to be loyal to her AP. She is a total cheater and I hope you have found the best attorney possible and please, for your own good, do not give in to any of her demands. Get the best deal you can. Don’t let her have this and that “just to be done with it”.
You’ll be rewarding her betrayal if you do.

realize she is your worst enemy you’ll ever have at this point.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lost in a small city said:


> One thing she has given me is a ton of time to be alone so I am discovering that it wasn’t a healthy relationship.


This, after the fact.

I agree, she likely had pre-planned this move back to her home town.
She likely was communicating with this other man before the move.

If she was so damned unhappy she should have divorced, rather than done this.
You moved to her hometown, built her a new home and then she rewards you with cheating.

Welcome to that ~50% of couples that have divorced.

She wants to be friends?
Bull Spit!
No friend does that to someone else.

Divorce and never talk to her (friendly) again.
Be ice-cold, ghost her.

Discuss only the children.

You said you were going to move.
Great!

Sell the house, divide the assets (as others mentioned), and move to wherever your fancies take you.

Think carefully, as to where you want to move.
This is the plus, many people in life would desire.

Keep in mind, your employment needs, your climate preferences and your hobbies.
Find the area most suited for you.

You are on a new journey, better news will come later.



_Are Dee-_


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> You moved to her hometown, built her a new home and then she rewards you with cheating.


It's WAY MORE than that!
It really is!
He took the role of a father to her son (an orphan)!
Raised him as his own to be a an independent man!
We are talking 21 years!
Not many men do that!
She should be for ever grateful, If she was not happy she should have communicated that, or asked for divorce, but she reworded him with the ultimate betrayal: infidelity!

@Lost in a small city , how is your relationship with your step son and daughter?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

The way I see it, He never, ever was "it". He was from the beginning a way out to solve her problems. Her restlessness throughout the marriage, her search for something to fulfill her throughout the marriage, plus OP passivity towards her and her actions are a strong indication that he always was plan B. Simply.


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## Lost in a small city (7 mo ago)

Kaliber said:


> It's WAY MORE than that!
> It really is!
> He took the role of a father to her son (an orphan)!
> Raised him as his own to be a an independent man!
> ...


Wow! Great responses from everyone! Thank you!
My relationship with my son and daughter are great.


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## Lost in a small city (7 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Find out if infidelity eliminates alimony. If it does it would be to your advantage to go that route. Finances matter. Most cheaters will draw alimony as long as they can. So you can help finance their new relationship.
> I’m sure like a lot you probably think she’ll be fair and honest…..
> I bet you never thought you’d cheat on you either.


Unfortunately the state I live in doesn’t care why the divorce is happening. So I am on the hook for something. I am definitely looking out for my best interests as far as that goes.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lost in a small city said:


> Unfortunately the state I live in doesn’t care why the divorce is happening. So I am on the hook for something. I am definitely looking out for my best interests as far as that goes.


Good. Unfortunately thats all you can do. Most come here looking for a magic fix. There isn’t one.
All cheaters follow a basic script. Yours is not much different than most. Except it’s happening to you.
The thing is and I’ve seen many. A lot fall for the I must fight for my marriage. If you have to fight for a marriage you don’t have one worth fighting for. 
Work on letting her go. You get there by no contact. Your kids are older so this will be easier for you.
Tell your kids the truth in a sanitized way. That way they understand why you don’t want to be around their mother.
Just because you have older kids doesn’t mean you can’t cut her off. You’ve gotten some good advice on the BS friends thing. I hope you take it. Otherwise you’ll keep yourself bound up in this. Life is short.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

These things are never easy for anyone. You can and will get through this. Like a lot of folks here have. 
Keep posting for more info. Make this the new beginning for yourself. You deserve and will get better although it may not look like it now.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Make sure she gets the clear message that you want nothing to do with her!
Make sure she knows YOU think you deserve way better than the way she’s treated you!

sHE betrayed you and ruined your family! Tell her it’s ALL completely on HER!


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Openminded said:


> She may want you as Plan B in case Plan A (probably an ex) doesn’t work out.



Exactly what came to my mind.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You don’t need to say anything. Your actions always say more than words. You can waste a lot of time and life in these situations. You will never get that back. Just let her go and save yourself. She’s gone anyway.


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