# Why?



## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Dear Wife,

The day I married you, I had hoped we would be best friends until one of us died. I had hoped that we would be able to weather any storm, fight any foe, and to always be passionately in love with each other.

Why could we not hold on to that hope? Why did it slip away from us?

Why did you hate the engagement ring I bought you so much that after 15 years of wearing it, you insisted on buying yourself a new one for Christmas? One you could be proud of? Why did you not see how badly that hurt me?

Why, when given the opportunity to believe in either me or your family, you almost always chose your family? Why couldn't you have given me the benefit of the doubt?

Why did you choose to blame me for intentionally trying to harm you or our son over what was really nothing more than a difference of opinion.

Why did you choose to tell our friends and family some of the most hideous things about me, such as that you suspected me of bugging the phones, etc.

Why did you go ballistic the night I "admitted" that I had slept in the bed on which we conceived our son and liken it to me inviting a strange man to sleep in our bed.

I could go on.

I guess my biggest why is this: Why did we let love die? Why couldn't you give me the benefit of the doubt and trust my heart when there was a question? Why couldn't we hang on to that love, that passion, that romance that we had on our wedding day?

Why, after all these years, could I not make you love me again?

I'm done with the pain, the threats, the drama. I'm truly done.

I just wish I knew why......


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"Why did you go ballistic the night I "admitted" that I had slept in the bed on which we conceived our son and liken it to me inviting a strange man to sleep in our bed."

What, now? I don't mean to minimize your pain at all, but WTF is this about? This seems very bizarro to me.

Also, I'm so sorry. We've all been there. It does get better.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

lamaga said:


> "Why did you go ballistic the night I "admitted" that I had slept in the bed on which we conceived our son and liken it to me inviting a strange man to sleep in our bed."
> 
> What, now? I don't mean to minimize your pain at all, but WTF is this about? This seems very bizarro to me.
> 
> Also, I'm so sorry. We've all been there. It does get better.


It's old material from another thread. She got mad one night when I slept on the bed she designated as "hers." Asked me how I'd feel if she let some stranger sleep on my bed. One of the strangest conversations I've had.

Anyway, I just felt the need to writr these thoughts down tonight. Not so much that I miss her, but I miss what I thought wr could be together.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I know, and I'm glad you are venting here.

But you do know that she is very strange, right?


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

lamaga said:


> I know, and I'm glad you are venting here.
> 
> But you do know that she is very strange, right?


Oh, yeah. You have no idea. I've just recounted the highlights here. There's a LOT more material where this came from!

And I do know she's strange.

Like I said, it's not her that I'm missing. It's the person I thought she was the day I married her. I'm grieving for the dream, not for the person.

Just felt like I had to put it out there.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

hurtnohio said:


> Like I said, it's not her that I'm missing. It's the person I thought she was the day I married her. I'm grieving for the dream, not for the person.
> 
> Just felt like I had to put it out there.


I can relate....I'm having a bit of a slide this weekend....think its because its fathers day tomorrow; we traditionally have all gone out for a big breakfast...but tomorrow will be the first one with just my daughter and I.


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## Crane (Jun 4, 2012)

worrieddad said:


> I can relate....I'm having a bit of a slide this weekend....think its because its fathers day tomorrow; we traditionally have all gone out for a big breakfast...but tomorrow will be the first one with just my daughter and I.


I'm in the same boat. My grandfather's coming along for father's day breakfast this year so it'll be him, me and my boy. Just us guys.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

She's looking for a way out and has been for years. Replacing the ring was just the first of many steps towards her checking out. I wouldn't be surprised if she filed taxes separately the year before that and started spending more of your money on expensive sh!t she doesn't need. 

With that petty argument about you sleeping in her bed, don't even bother worrying out her reasoning on that. She's just looking for any excuse at this point to punish you. Her gaslighting you to all her friends is just another way of getting others to egg her on.

It's also possible she may be having an affair and looking for reasons to hate you when you've done nothing, just to ease her own guilt and get it all out before she see the AP. Just giving you a heads up in case.

You want all of this to end and get her to stop beating you to death with that stick, right? Then agree with her and act happy about her wanting a divorce. She'll stop hating you as soon as you stop trying to change her mind or manipulate her feelings.

As soon as you stop giving her ammo she'll have nothing to bash you with her friends. In fact the nicer you are around her and her friends the more they'll turn on her. I've had XW's relatives that wanted to fight me before come up and apologize after getting to know me.

You have to trust me on this Hurt, Agreeing and backing away from her will get you out of some serious trouble and let her burn out in a vacuum of her own misery without you.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> She's looking for a way out and has been for years. Replacing the ring was just the first of many steps towards her checking out. I wouldn't be surprised if she filed taxes separately the year before that and started spending more of your money on expensive sh!t she doesn't need.
> 
> With that petty argument about you sleeping in her bed, don't even bother worrying out her reasoning on that. She's just looking for any excuse at this point to punish you. Her gaslighting you to all her friends is just another way of getting others to egg her on.
> 
> ...


She's been out of love with me for a long time. And emotionally, I'm done. I don't think I'd want to reconcile if she wanted to. Her actions have destroyed my ability to trust her. And not because of an affair, either. But slmost every other form of betrayal and emotional abuse imaginable.

I'm conflicted.... I miss the idea of us. But I don't miss the reality of us.

I was the one who said "let's divorce." But by her actions - and her oen admission - it's something she's wanted for a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

I feel you on so much of this. Just when I think things might be getting better they get really odd.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

hurtnohio said:


> She's been out of love with me for a long time. And emotionally, I'm done. I don't think I'd want to reconcile if she wanted to. Her actions have destroyed my ability to trust her. And not because of an affair, either. But slmost every other form of betrayal and emotional abuse imaginable.
> 
> I'm conflicted.... I miss the idea of us. But I don't miss the reality of us.
> 
> ...


That's the right attitude! 
You won't even stand a chance at reconciliation while she is rejecting you. You should never even chase after someone who doesn't want you, that is unless you like being treated like sh!t and having them lose all respect for you. 

That's why I'm telling you to agree with her and happily push her into the APs arms. So long as you keep arguing with her and wanting to get her back she'll just keep punishing you and feeling like you don't respect her feelings or desire to be happy. It's completely f*cked up I know but it's something you have to do sooner or later.

In order to see the woman you married again you have to agree with her decision to leave and let her screw up her already doomed affair on her own. Stop giving her a reason to hate you and other man to look better and just wish her well with a smile on your face as you close the door. You won't see her again for a while after D unless you have visitation rights or shared custody of your kids. 

After divorce either two things are bound to happen, A) She attempts to keep you and the AP in the picture so she feels she hasn't lost you, and B) She forgets you for the time being and completely relaxes with the AP ending up going through the same fights as you within the six months to a year following divorce. 

The illusion they had will shader and there is a snowball's chance in hell either of them will know what to do to prevent catastrophic failure and strengthen the relationship, because they're too nieve to accept relationships are more than just feelings.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> That's the right attitude!
> You won't even stand a chance at reconciliation while she is rejecting you. You should never even chase after someone who doesn't want you, that is unless you like being treated like sh!t and having them lose all respect for you.
> 
> That's why I'm telling you to agree with her and happily push her into the APs arms. So long as you keep arguing with her and wanting to get her back she'll just keep punishing you and feeling like you don't respect her feelings or desire to be happy. It's completely f*cked up I know but it's something you have to do sooner or later.
> ...


Where are you getting she cheated on him? Unless hurt has shared something with you the rest of us don't know, his wife never cheated on him.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Where are you getting she cheated on him? Unless hurt has shared something with you the rest of us don't know, his wife never cheated on him


I don't believe she's cheating. I do believe she has a personality disorder which makes maintaining a normal, healthy relationship nearly impossible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Where are you getting she cheated on him? Unless hurt has shared something with you the rest of us don't know, his wife never cheated on him.


Oh, I must have mistaken him for another guy 

Doesn't matter though, just replace the OM in what I said with an external desire out side of the marriage or "greener grasses" and it's virtually the same thing. She's looking forwards to opening Christmas presents now and won't be disappointed until she doesn't get what she wanted. Does this analogy make sense?


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