# Divorce after 13yrs marriage, any point in trying again



## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

This will be long, so I apologize in advance. When I married my husband, in 1999, he had both a kidney transplant and a full time job. Having been a single mom for a lot of years, job was important. A year into the marriage, without talking to me, he stopped taking his anti- rejection meds and had to go on dialysis. He has been on and off disability, hasn't worked full time since 2001. I Have always worked full time and over, to pay for expenses,vacations we took or anything else. He had a stroke about 7-8 yrs ago, he was completely paralyzed on left side. I'm a nurse so I made sure he was treated right, he went to rehab, I worked and visited every day. After the stroke, he was angry, depressed,miserable, he hates dialysis,but won't go back on transplant list. At this point, after he was home, and pretty recovered, gained back almost complete use of left side, I asked for separation and was seriously thinking about divorce. We ended up doing marriage counseling, and I decided to try again. Things haven't been to good since, he was supposed to get on transplant list, he didn't, we were still struggling, I was just tired and couldn't see spending rest of my life this way, I'm 53, he's 55. So we've been separated for almost 3 yrs now, very amicably for first 2, but then I guess he became angry about whole situation. He sued me for spousal support 3 mos ago, and was awarded 1/3 of my take home pay. I was FURIOUS, and he knew it. After I had time to cool down, I went to see him, to ask why, why did he feel I needed to support him, and why he didn't talk to me before suing me. He said well, I figured you might pay me for a month or two. Since, we both had to retain attorneys he told me most of money I'm giving him, going to his lawyer. I feel this has been colossal waste of money, told him, I would have helped him, I love him, always will, don't want him to struggle that bad. I only just filed for divorce after support order, because I have to pay him til divorce final. Of course he is suing for alimony. I Feel maybe he and I can either go to divorce mediation or work out something ourselves. Neither of us can afford all the attorney fees. I feel bad for him, he told me I was his first visitor in 2 yrs at his new place. How's that for irony. From a man's perspective, am I wrong, should I try to see if we can work things out. Before the stroke, even with everything we had a good marriage.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

You arent wrong.

I cant see the harm in working things out, but it sounds more like you are just protecting your assets than wanting genuine peace.


----------



## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

I just feel if he sued me because he can't afford his medicine etc, and most of it is going to his attorney, it's not really helping him anyway. I Don't really have any assets, my mom who's 74 is living with me. I left everything in house for him, I got all new stuff, mostly on credit. I just think it is so sad, we've actually been married 16 yrs including separation, and it got to this point.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

fitchick1961 said:


> This will be long, so I apologize in advance. When I married my husband, in 1999, he had both a kidney transplant and a full time job. Having been a single mom for a lot of years, job was important. A year into the marriage, without talking to me, he stopped taking his anti- rejection meds and had to go on dialysis. He has been on and off disability, hasn't worked full time since 2001. I Have always worked full time and over, to pay for expenses,vacations we took or anything else. He had a stroke about 7-8 yrs ago, he was completely paralyzed on left side. I'm a nurse so I made sure he was treated right, he went to rehab, I worked and visited every day. After the stroke, he was angry, depressed,miserable, he hates dialysis,but won't go back on transplant list. At this point, after he was home, and pretty recovered, gained back almost complete use of left side, I asked for separation and was seriously thinking about divorce. We ended up doing marriage counseling, and I decided to try again. Things haven't been to good since, he was supposed to get on transplant list, he didn't, we were still struggling, I was just tired and couldn't see spending rest of my life this way, I'm 53, he's 55. So we've been separated for almost 3 yrs now, very amicably for first 2, but then I guess he became angry about whole situation. He sued me for spousal support 3 mos ago, and was awarded 1/3 of my take home pay. I was FURIOUS, and he knew it. After I had time to cool down, I went to see him, to ask why, why did he feel I needed to support him, and why he didn't talk to me before suing me. He said well, I figured you might pay me for a month or two. Since, we both had to retain attorneys he told me most of money I'm giving him, going to his lawyer. I feel this has been colossal waste of money, told him, I would have helped him, I love him, always will, don't want him to struggle that bad. I only just filed for divorce after support order, because I have to pay him til divorce final. Of course he is suing for alimony. I Feel maybe he and I can either go to divorce mediation or work out something ourselves. Neither of us can afford all the attorney fees. I feel bad for him, he told me I was his first visitor in 2 yrs at his new place. How's that for irony. From a man's perspective, am I wrong, should I try to see if we can work things out. Before the stroke, even with everything we had a good marriage.


You had three years to try and work it out and neither of you did. Has he changed or is he still the miserable person you left? 

From a legal end your probably going to get "stuck" with alimony of some sort. The system is just set up that way. I don't fault you for thinking about trying to work out the marriage but what are you trying to save?

Mediation would be the cheapest and probably best option


----------



## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

I guess since before things got bad after the stroke, this was the best relationship I was ever in. So I guess I hope it could work. No, he has not changed, I don't know if he's so much miserable now, as just hopeless maybe. But won't take steps to make it better. I asked him why he wasn't trying to get on transplant list, he said, well if somebody could get an IV in me to draw my blood. Seriously, there are ways. Yes, I know I will have to pay some type of alimony, I just feel he should have to do something to try and better his health situation.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

fitchick1961 said:


> I guess since before things got bad after the stroke, this was the best relationship I was ever in. So I guess I hope it could work. No, he has not changed, I don't know if he's so much miserable now, as just hopeless maybe. But won't take steps to make it better. I asked him why he wasn't trying to get on transplant list, he said, well if somebody could get an IV in me to draw my blood. Seriously, there are ways. Yes, I know I will have to pay some type of alimony, I just feel he should have to do something to try and better his health situation.


He may never get better depression wise. Your stated you work as a nurse I believe, you know how strokes can affect people. His personality that you knew could very well be permanently altered because of the stroke.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

1. went off meds (presumably without good reason) causing condition to get worse

2. used condition to stop working.

3. became depressed about condition that he himself made worse

4. sues you to pay for his lawyer.

5. tries to get alimony.



I'm not seeing the downside of divorcing this guy. Sometimes divorce is expensive because it's worth it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is he receiving disability income? 

Can he get free medical care, maybe Medicare/Medicaid? These are things that could help him and your both financially.


----------



## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

He was having some issues with the transplant, which is why he told me he went off his meds. But didn't even think he should discuss it with me first. He was on disability, but after I left the first time he tried to commit suicide, was committed and had to go to therapy. We also went to marriage counseling,which is why I agreed to try again. His therapist told him he needed to work at least part time for sense of self worth, socialization etc. makes too much money part-time to get disability. He is on Medicare, but his meds are so expensive, not enough of cost is covered. And yes as nurse I believe his personality was permanently changed from stroke, but he does not.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Spend what money you have on a better lawyer to get yourself out of this mess.


----------



## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

I do think I have a crappy lawyer, it takes her a week to return my calls, oh sorry, I was in court all week etc. I don't hate my husband, if he needed some help, I'm ok with being fair, but I bring home at most with overtime 4400/ month, he was awarded almost a grand a month in spousal support. It could have been 1200, he settled for 875 plus arrears for 2 mos since filing,grand total 962/ month. My 74 y/o mom living with me. I though maybe if he and I could work something out,we wouldn't have to waste so much on lawyers.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Alimony is unheard of in Australia except in very extenuating circumstances, such as severely disabled child/ren requiring a stay at home parent. I don't understand why you should have to support him after divorce. He's your ex-husband, not your child.


----------



## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

My husband doesn't talk about his feelings hardly at all,so I would venture to say no. I was in individual counseling and my therapist brought this up to me, having had some bad things happen when I was young however, I'm better at stuffing things and not grieving. I have been thinking a lot about it lately though. How sad it all is.


----------



## geroi (May 8, 2015)

You said you had a good marriage. You even said it's the best relationship you have ever had. You didn't leave him when his health was not good a few years ago. So I think there must be some reason, some good sides of your relationship. He does not want to do the transplant again because he doesn't believe that. He has been miserable after the stroke because he doesn't believe he can recover from that. Find out the good sides of your relationship again and focus more on those sides. You should help him increase his confidence by providing him more proofs and success stories to encourage him to believe that his health will get better and he can conquer the diseases if he tries his best. I think your marriage can be saved if both of you can be positive. I also believe your marriage can not be saved if you are not positive. We are co-creators of our lives, despite of the bad situation, our attitude also determines our lives. I think you still love him because you still care about him. Tell him that. Don't just tell us here.


----------



## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

We did separate after the stroke, I left, he ended up having to go to IC, and then we both went to MC, with his therapist,which in retrospect probably wasn't best idea, she just wanted us back together, he didnt do a lot of individual work, because he still handles everything same way. When we talked the other day, first time in months, it was pleasant, and I did tell him I still loved him. However,that may not be enough, as I will not consider reconciliation, unless he makes a concerted effort to get on transplant list. If he tries and for some reason can't,that's different,I can accept that.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

fitchick1961 said:


> We did separate after the stroke, I left, he ended up having to go to IC, and then we both went to MC, with his therapist,which in retrospect probably wasn't best idea, she just wanted us back together, he didnt do a lot of individual work, because he still handles everything same way. When we talked the other day, first time in months, it was pleasant, and I did tell him I still loved him. However,that may not be enough, as I will not consider reconciliation, unless he makes a concerted effort to get on transplant list. If he tries and for some reason can't,that's different,I can accept that.


What is the point of him getting on a transplant list, if he will just end up not doing what he is supposed to afterward?? I dont feel sorry for him, he got a chance that so many never do, and he threw it away. Doesnt seem to me like he deserves a second chance, with either a transplant OR with you. Free yourself of this burden, 3 years is more than long enough for separation.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fitchick1961 said:


> she just wanted us back together, he didnt do a lot of individual work, because he still handles everything same way


Well, there you go.

He wants you...as long as HE doesn't have to lift a finger.

Great bargain for HIM.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't really see how telling someone you are splitting up with that you still love them is a good idea. Doesn't that just lead them on, hoping for reconciliation? It seems like you have no idea what you actually want: Split, get back together, split, stuff around with lawyers, consider reconciling, not sure... Get your head on straight
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

I should clarify, I told him, I will always love you. And I will, we have been married for 16 yrs, separated for 3. I haven't seen alot of him for most of time we have been separated, so when i went over and talked to him, brought up a lot of feelings. When we split 3 years ago, I was in IC, and came to that decision. when I told him, he just said ok. He didn't ask if we could talk about it, or anything, yet when he talked to my daughter about it, he was upset, feels like I blindsided him etc. Never talks to me. Even other day when we were talking,I told him if he had more aggressively pursued getting a transplant we might not be where we are now. He said, I know, but nothing else. I just feel that he wants things to be different, I may be off base but I don't think so.


----------



## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

breeze said:


> I don't really see how telling someone you are splitting up with that you still love them is a good idea. Doesn't that just lead them on, hoping for reconciliation? It seems like you have no idea what you actually want: Split, get back together, split, stuff around with lawyers, consider reconciling, not sure... Get your head on straight
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I Was absolutely 100% sure the whole entire time what I wanted, it's just that is the first time we have talked more than politely in 3 yrs, and alot of feelings came up. Maybe I should go back to IC.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Even if he does get a second transplant, what's to stop him from giving up the anti-rejection meds again since you said he hasn't changed? 

As to still loving him, that unfortunately isn't enough to make a relationship work. Perhaps the two of you could go back into MC (and you could both use more IC). But permanent change is difficult and most people slide back into their old behavior. Just because he wants things to be different doesn't mean he will do the work. 

Yes, you can try again but obviously that doesn't mean you'll succeed this time either. If that's what you decide, go into it with your eyes wide open because it won't be an easy path.


----------



## geroi (May 8, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Even if he does get a second transplant, what's to stop him from giving up the anti-rejection meds again since you said he hasn't changed?
> 
> As to still loving him, that unfortunately isn't enough to make a relationship work. Perhaps the two of you could go back into MC (and you could both use more IC). But permanent change is difficult and most people slide back into their old behavior. Just because he wants things to be different doesn't mean he will do the work.
> 
> Yes, you can try again but obviously that doesn't mean you'll succeed this time either. If that's what you decide, go into it with your eyes wide open because it won't be an easy path.


Yes, love is not enough to make the relationship work. But love can be a strong reason that she should not give up the relationship easily. When we do not love, we give up relationship, right? If she wanted to leave her husband, she should have done that many years ago when his health was too bad to continue his full time job. 

Relationship is never an easy path and there is never a 100% success rate even if you start a new relationship with someone else. 

I think things can change if she can convince her husband to have a steady faith in the transplant thing. If you believe it, you can do it. It's that simple.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

geroi said:


> Yes, love is not enough to make the relationship work. But love can be a strong reason that she should not give up the relationship easily. When we do not love, we give up relationship, right? If she wanted to leave her husband, she should have done that many years ago when his health was too bad to continue his full time job.
> 
> Relationship is never an easy path and there is never a 100% success rate even if you start a new relationship with someone else.
> 
> I think things can change if she can convince her husband to have a steady faith in the transplant thing. *If you believe it, you can do it. It's that simple*.


Sadly it's not that simple. I wish it were.

A person can believe something. But they have no control over the actions of the other person.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

geroi said:


> Yes, love is not enough to make the relationship work. But love can be a strong reason that she should not give up the relationship easily. When we do not love, we give up relationship, right? If she wanted to leave her husband, she should have done that many years ago when his health was too bad to continue his full time job.
> 
> Relationship is never an easy path and there is never a 100% success rate even if you start a new relationship with someone else.
> 
> I think things can change if she can convince her husband to have a steady faith in the transplant thing. If you believe it, you can do it. It's that simple.


No, it's not nearly that simple. Far from it. She can absolutely try again but there is never a guarantee that if you love someone then it will just magically work out. Relationships obviously require a lot of effort from both -- not just from one. While she can hope for the best, it would be helpful to prepare for the worst so she's not caught off-guard in the future.


----------



## geroi (May 8, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Sadly it's not that simple. I wish it were.
> 
> A person can believe something. But they have no control over the actions of the other person.


I mean if her husband can believe that the transplant is worth trying again and he can have a chance to improve his health a lot, then he will do the thing. 

And I still think if you really want your relationship to work out, if you really believe you can make your relationship work out, you can do it. 99% of the things are possible except those things like living on the moon or turning the water into oil and so on. Think about the history. Did the people believe the Wright brothers can make an airplane at that time? But they made it! Because they believed they can make that. And the invention of bulb, the rocket, even the smart phones we are using...so many similar examples. So many "impossible things" have become possible. 

I didn't say relationship is easy. My point is our attitudes can determine the result. Of course there are many bad sides of every relationship. But there are still many good sides. And we should not ignore them. We should not just see the bad sides, but also see the good sides at the same time. 

If you always ask yourself," What's wrong with the relationship? What's wrong with my partner? ..." The relationship is very hard to work out. 

But if you also think about the good sides and ask yourself," What are the good sides of our relationship? What are the virtues of my partner? What did he(she)do for me during the past years? What things should I appreciate in our relationship?..." Then this can be very helpful for your relationship. 

I remember Emerson said,"To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven." So attitude can make a difference.


----------



## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

So, I went to talk to my husband today to see if he would agree to try to mediate a divorce settlement to avoid lengthy court stuff and alot of lawyers fees. We talked for a long time. He told me that however things turned out, whether we divorce or reconcile he's decided that he wants me to remain a part of his life,even if it's just as a friend. He apologized for the way he went about getting spousal support. I accepted his apology. He said he thinks we can work things out ourselves, and I agree. He asked me if I would go with him to a transplant evaluation appointment, I said of course. He's just afraid it might make his health situation worse, and given his luck with his health issues, I told him I understood his concern. I told him he has to try something, the way he's feeling now all time (exhausted, depressed, weak etc), isn't good either. I Asked him, if you had to do it all again, would you have stopped taking your anti-rejection meds and gone on dialysis. He said no, he didn't realize how bad it would be for him. 
We had a really good talk, I do still love him a lot. I'm not sure where things are going to go at this point, but we are going to stay in contact and go out to eat or something like once a a week.


----------

