# Is it ever too late to start 180?



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Is it ever too late to start the 180 process? I printed out the list and have been reading it this afternoon. I question whether it is too late for me to start, as unfortunately, I have done some of the things already that you are not supposed to, after your spouse asks for a divorce.

I am trying to start my life over again and I know this process is for me; not him. However, am I a lost cause because I have done some of the things you are not supposed to already?


----------



## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

If you get that it's for you, then do it when you're ready to be done with his BS and rebuild you life. When the time is right and you've had enough, you'll know. They'll think you're punishing them, but who cares. They made their choice, you can make some for yourself now.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

slb121 said:


> Is it ever too late to start the 180 process? I printed out the list and have been reading it this afternoon. I question whether it is too late for me to start, as unfortunately, I have done some of the things already that you are not supposed to, after your spouse asks for a divorce.
> 
> I am trying to start my life over again and I know this process is for me; not him. However, am I a lost cause because I have done some of the things you are not supposed to already?


How long have you been separated?

The real reason for a 180 is to help you start to detach. Sometimes it works breaking a fog a wayward spouse is in.

The main reason for doing it is for you. It's sort of a self preservation technique. The worst thing you can do is beg your wayward spouse to stay. It usually drives them away. 

Everyday is a new day. Learn from your mistakes.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its to help you detach and become a better person. Are you ready to move on?

Have you started working out? Bought some new clothes? New hair do, makeup?

Started new hobbies?

Follow it carefully, especially be cheerful but totally oblivious to him.

Remember, nothing about you is any of his business except kid issues.

Fake it till you make it.


----------



## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

It's never too late. Don't worry about items on the 180 you've already violated. Even when you're doing the 180, you will have backslides and mistakes. 

If you're ready to work on you, start it now. It's not too late.


----------



## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

As the others before me have stated, the 180 is all for you. It does have benefits that can affect your wayward spouse.
It is never to late to change yourself.
There is no CORRECT way to handle separations. If you think you made mistakes & have not liked the results then it is time to make changes. Remember this is your relationship. Nobody on this board knows every detail on it. Most advice is good for the details you provided. If some things are left out it can alter the advise that would have been given.
We are hear for you and good luck


----------



## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

You're not going to start detaching until you learn to love yourself and realize that you deserve to be more than someone's option.

You can ignore your spouse everyday for three months, but if you still hold on to the hope of reconciliation, detachment will not be a result. 

True detachment involves some serious soul-searching and analyzation of yourself. Find out who you are, and he'll likely become just a memory.


----------



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Officially, it has been since May that he asked for the divorce but has yet to follow through with filing the papers. We are still currently living in the same house. The home mortgage is in my name so I certainly do not want to default and ruin my credit which is why I refuse to leave my home. If he wants a divorce, he can move out and I make enough to carry the household on my own with some serious budgeting. We do not have any children.

I appreciate everyone's input and kind words. It is true that not every situation is the same and no two marriages are the same. So what works for one person, may not work for another.

Since the divorce conversation, I have moments of strength and doing stuff for myself. I went on vacation to visit my best friend in another state and did not contact him whatsoever. Then I fall back into the old patterns of wanting to interact with him. It is truly hard to detach myself from him 100%. 

I have read on this forum that alot of people had success with the 180 and thought perhaps it could work for me too.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

slb121 said:


> Officially, it has been since May that he asked for the divorce but has yet to follow through with filing the papers. We are still currently living in the same house. The home mortgage is in my name so I certainly do not want to default and ruin my credit which is why I refuse to leave my home. If he wants a divorce, he can move out and I make enough to carry the household on my own with some serious budgeting. We do not have any children.
> 
> I appreciate everyone's input and kind words. It is true that not every situation is the same and no two marriages are the same. So what works for one person, may not work for another.
> 
> ...


Some do some don't but you need to do it for yourself more than anything. Keep trying to work at it. The vacation was a great idea.

You're going the right thing not leaving the house, if he wants the divorce let him move out.


----------



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

After 3 months of ups and downs with him, I finally told him that going forward, I cannot be his wife in any sense, as it has been confusing to me and my identity and the most important relationship I have right now, is with myself.

In the past 3 months since his divorce talk, he has gone from giving me the silent treatment to wanting to hold my hand, hug me, telling me he loves me, but when the question of reconciling would come up, he would say that he is still going forward with his plans to divorce me. I have lived in this limbo for far too long and I am finally at a place where I need to love myself more and respect myself more. That is where the 180 comes into play but I was concerned that I had already messed up this process for myself because I did want to reconcile at one point and have expressed anger, frustration and disappointment at times, verses being completely 100% detached from him.


----------



## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

I messed it up too and tried to save my marriage and she had no intention. Because of this the 180 is for you and cannot be done incorrectly. 

You deserve better. Prove that to yourself by irradiating this moron from your life.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Why does he want a divorce?


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

slb121 said:


> Is it ever too late to start the 180 process? I printed out the list and have been reading it this afternoon. I question whether it is too late for me to start, as unfortunately, I have done some of the things already that you are not supposed to, after your spouse asks for a divorce.
> 
> I am trying to start my life over again and I know this process is for me; not him. However, am I a lost cause because I have done some of the things you are not supposed to already?


The 180 is a tool to help you start your life moving in a positive direction, not to try to win back a wayward partner.

It's never too late to start moving your life in a positive direction, however if you're wondering if it's too late to implement the 180 because your partner is too far gone, then your question is really irrelevant, because you're not using the tool correctly. In which case you really need to do some serious re-evaluating, introspection, whatever, to understand what you need to do to emotionally let go of your former partner.

I know you said you understand what the 180 is, and is not intended for, but when you ask 'if it's too late' it makes me wonder if you really get it.


----------



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Honestly, I do not think the 180 is for me, after reading up on it. I am doing individual counseling which I had last night and I think I am going to stick to moving on with my life, with the aide of counseling :smthumbup:


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

slb121 said:


> Honestly, I do not think the 180 is for me, after reading up on it. I am doing individual counseling which I had last night and I think I am going to stick to moving on with my life, with the aide of counseling :smthumbup:


If the 180 isn't for you, then what's your plan? Try to hold onto your spouse who wants to divorce you and try to stay in his life and keep him in your thoughts and keep reaching out and contacting him as much as you can?

It doesn't sound healthy.


----------



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Honestly, I am focusing on my relationship with myself now. My marriage was over 3 months ago, when he asked for the divorce but I wasn't ready to face it. I never wanted to "win" him back, as I was not 100 percent happy in our marriage myself but felt divorce was a last resort after all other steps were taken to work on us. I was having all those feelings that go along with your spouse asking for a divorce. Not just the loss of my marriage, but also of our home, shared dreams, companionship, laughter and love. When he asked for the divorce, I felt profound disappointment, anger, and grief. My self esteem took a beating and I wasn't ready to look into a future without my husband in it.

I am ready now, which is why I questioned whether the 180 would help me to grow and detach from him. I have been going to IC and I just think with counseling along with the love and support I am receiving from my family and friends, will help me get through this. It isn't about him or our marriage anymore - it is about me. 

I deserve much better than this and have alot of love to give someone one day, when I am ready to take that step. Now it is about working on my self worth, focusing on moving forward with my own life and knowing this divorce won't define me.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

slb121 said:


> It isn't about him or our marriage anymore - it is about me.


Welcome to the 180.


----------

