# Is it just a lie?



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

We don't have access to any money, without going through hoops right now.. probably not til Monday and need to resort to what measly amounts are left on two cards. And we've just went to a one income household.

So today, we're trying to figure out gas for the car at least til Monday evening, and he mentions the credit cards. I ask him if he made any purchases on it this billing cycle.. he says NO, but that they do charge fees.. so he doesn't know exact balance.. I say call. He calls one card and let's me hear the message that no charges have been made and then calls the other card and hangs up and says same thing.. I just thought it was odd so I asked to hear it... So then he tells me he went to lunch with one of the guys from work, blah blah. 

I am furious... He lied to me until he had to say something.. he's done that with huge things, like the girl he fvcked who sued him.. he didn't tell me they had sex until we got called to court. 

What is this??? He claims it was an innocent lie... WTF is that? An innocent lie? Problem is we are on a tight budget, so ten buck lunches are out of the question anyway.. but I might could understand if he had just said something, but to wait until he had to say something... Can I ever fvcking trust this man? Or am I overreacting (nicotine withdrawal.. 2 full days now)


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## bluepocket (Oct 20, 2012)

Wait... he got sued by a woman who he slept with behind your back?

This doesn't seem like a nice guy, period.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I don't think your over reacting at all. I hate lies myself... including little white lies. To lie to you about the finances is a huge problem imo. You two are suppose to be handling things like that as a team imo. He may feel like he is doing you a favor by not telling you and may even want to keep you stress free and happy but he is going about it the wrong way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Can I ever fvcking trust this man?


I'm sorry Cherry. I guess its all in what you're willing or not willing to tolerate.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Have you ever wrote out a pros and cons lists? Seriously, I have read your threads and I just can't really find any redeeming qualities in your H. I still remember reading your thread where he spit in your face. I'm not trying to be a b!tch but, what makes him so wonderful that all the horrible crap he has done makes it worthwhile?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I agree with pidge(shocking I know huh pidge?). I certainly wouldn't tolerate that crap... that's for sure. The last guy that spit in my face... I ended up bytch slapping. I wanted to do more but he was the bf of a dear friend of mine so I kept myself in check. Besides he was bawling like a baby after the slap anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Yeah, don't be pi$$ed at him for all the innocent lies. Just the guilty ones. 

(that was sarcasm. HeII yes you should be pissed...given the history.)


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

No you are not overreacting, HE is under-reacting to your financial situation.
He needs to stop spending, especially when not discussed first together.

Tell him no innocent lies anymore. You need to have trust to cope through difficult times.

Good luck.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

The fact that he is stilling lying (no matter how small or how big) shows a great disrespect to you and the marriage. I don't think he is fully engaged in wanting things to change and be better, if so he wouldn't keep doing this.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

My husband lies about things all the time---mostly financial, but about small things as well that make no sense to me that he wouldn't just be honest. He also doesn't tell me until absolutely necessary, when it's the worst moment to find out. This is the cause of about 90% of our fights. It's so frustrating and I'm not sure what to do either. (Sorry, not much help. I'm anxious to hear more responses)


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Omg delirium where have you been?? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Have you ever wrote out a pros and cons lists? Seriously, I have read your threads and I just can't really find any redeeming qualities in your H. I still remember reading your thread where he spit in your face. I'm not trying to be a b!tch but, what makes him so wonderful that all the horrible crap he has done makes it worthwhile?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

And now you're on one income and depending on him?



No no. He's not a nice guy. I think when he tries to be nice, THAT is the lie.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I value integrity and honesty. That sh!t would NOT fly with me. Innocent or not it's a bold faced LIE and I'd be pissed.

Yes there are times when I can tell my husband would rather lie to save my feelings but he doesn't. If I ask him a question directly (aka are there any new charges on a credit card) he might hang his head in shame and pause to get his wits about him but he'd answer truthfully. And I give him the same respect.

It's not always easy to admit you've screwed up but lying about it is childish and immature. And the truth ALWAYS finds a way of coming out. Lying only makes it worse.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Omg delirium where have you been??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I took a little TAM break, but I've missed it. Can't stay away, haha.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lol well wb. I agree with mavash btw cherry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The thing with lies is that once you catch someone lying, you wonder what else they lied about so coolly AND you wonder if everything they say is a lie.

It also shows he's a big scaredy cat. He was too afraid of getting into trouble rolleyes: ) about going to lunch that he lied about it. I can't stand that. Be a grown person and own your life.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks ladies. I'm numb right now.. yeah, over a lie. It's not just that.. it brought back my feelings over his huge stupid lies, the hurt, etc.

It's gonna be a long day.  

And FYI, I wouldn't have to move.. he would have to, whatever I decide. Might just have to look for a job though.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Personally for me, I couldn't live that way. I couldn't live with someone who lies even if it were about small things. It shows disrespect, and would make me feel that person didn't think I was worth the truth. He is still worried about himself. Worried about what may or may happen if he was to tell the truth. This should speak volumes, because it wont be just about money and finances it will carry over into other parts of the relationship as well.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Thanks ladies. I'm numb right now.. yeah, over a lie. It's not just that.. it brought back my feelings over his huge stupid lies, the hurt, etc.
> 
> It's gonna be a long day.
> 
> And FYI, I wouldn't have to move.. he would have to, whatever I decide. Might just have to look for a job though.


Please don't minimize what he just did to you. This is a huge betrayal regardless of the fact that it was ONLY $10.

It would be a huge betrayal if I told my husband I was going to walmart and went to the mall instead. It's not the content or the value it's the LYING that's the problem.

If I can't even tell the truth about little things than I sure can't tell the truth on big things. See what I mean?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The people who have lied to me like this in my past have all been immature jerks. Always telling me what I wanted to hear, but never the truth. I am mother to 2 girls...THAT IS IT. I'm not my husband's mother so I can't get him in trouble. He has done some pretty effed up things financially. And he owned them all. Sure, he looked pretty sheepish and had that look of "omfgshe'sgoingtokillme" on his face, but he told the truth. He's also done things I don't really like...but that's because of my own securities. He doesn't lie about them though. He's hurt me with the truth and that's a HELL of a lot better than being soothed with a lie.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> Please don't minimize what he just did to you. This is a huge betrayal regardless of the fact that it was ONLY $10.
> 
> It would be a huge betrayal if I told my husband I was going to walmart and went to the mall instead. It's not the content or the value it's the LYING that's the problem.
> 
> If I can't even tell the truth about little things than I sure can't tell the truth on big things. See what I mean?


I know.. so what do I do now? I told him I can't live like this... He really is stupid, or he doesn't understand what the lying means.. its been six years.. he has lied as long as I've known him.. do I finally do what I always say I will... Divorce? It's in my court.. he says to me "all this over lunch with a coworker", does he really think there is nothing wrong with lying, even over stupid sh!t? I'm so confused, I'm so pissed. I could have him kicked out in 30 days, do I? He will fall flat on his face, I'm afraid. Then, is it really over this little lie? I know I can't minimize it, it will never stop. What do I do?? How do I stop it, do I really divorce? Is that my solution?

It's a culmination of things, so here I am worried about my sex drive... No fvcking wonder its gone and it continues to be gone. Maybe I will just shut down as a wife.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Cherry said:


> It's a culmination of things, so here I am worried about my sex drive... No fvcking wonder its gone and it continues to be gone. Maybe I will just shut down as a wife.


This is the best thing I've heard you say since I first started reading your posts. You're always so concerned about HIM and HIS needs and yet he cares very little about yours.

He should be thanking his lucky stars each and every moment that you ALLOW him to stay after all the sh!tty crap he's put you though but nope he continues to see nothing wrong with his behavior. It's ONLY a $10 a lunch what's the big deal?


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

> The people who have lied to me like this in my past have all been immature jerks. Always telling me what I wanted to hear, but never the truth. I am mother to 2 girls...THAT IS IT. I'm not my husband's mother so I can't get him in trouble. He has done some pretty effed up things financially. And he owned them all. Sure, he looked pretty sheepish and had that look of "omfgshe'sgoingtokillme" on his face, but he told the truth. He's also done things I don't really like...but that's because of my own securities. He doesn't lie about them though. He's hurt me with the truth and that's a HELL of a lot better than being soothed with a lie.


I wish my husband would understand that I PREFER this. Even if it hurts me or makes him look/feel like an ass.. I'm not his mother, but catching him in so many lies forces us into a parent/child dynamic. I hate it.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Cherry said:


> I know.. so what do I do now? I told him I can't live like this... He really is stupid, or he doesn't understand what the lying means.. its been six years.. he has lied as long as I've known him.. do I finally do what I always say I will... Divorce? It's in my court.. he says to me "all this over lunch with a coworker", does he really think there is nothing wrong with lying, even over stupid sh!t? I'm so confused, I'm so pissed. I could have him kicked out in 30 days, do I? He will fall flat on his face, I'm afraid. Then, is it really over this little lie? I know I can't minimize it, it will never stop. What do I do?? How do I stop it, do I really divorce? Is that my solution?
> 
> It's a culmination of things, so here I am worried about my sex drive... No fvcking wonder its gone and it continues to be gone. Maybe I will just shut down as a wife.


I have discussed it with my husband several times. I honestly think he has lied his entire life to either appease people or get out of trouble. I think counseling might help... Is he willing to try counseling?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I know.. so what do I do now? I told him I can't live like this...
> 
> .. he has lied as long as I've known him.. do I finally do what I always say I will...


Cherry, you quit your job. You willingly and knowingly gave away the power you had. Honestly, this isn't about that a$$hat you're married to; it's about YOU. You want this guy to be someone he ain't. 



Cherry said:


> I'm so confused, ... I could have him kicked out in 30 days, do I? He will fall flat on his face, I'm afraid.


You are not confused. You have known what he's like from the get-go. No confusion over that. It seems you switch roles from being the victim to being the enabler. And, yeah, you are an enabler - big time. So what if he falls flat on his face. He's an adult, and he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. 

When you quit working, you added another layer to what is already a pretty unsteady marital relationship. 

I think the biggest question is, why do you stay? He isn't the one posting here. I already get the picture that he is not going to be on-the-level with you. My gut tells me you are hanging onto the potential you see in him; potential that you have decided, in your own mind, he has. That is not WHAT IS thinking; and what is, is this: he's been lying to you from the get-go, and he's guilty of a slew of other behavior that I consider reprehensible.

When you get down to it, the bottom line is, what keeps you stuck? It's about you, not Mr. A$$clown.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I told him I can't live like this... I know I can't minimize it, it will never stop. What do I do?? How do I stop it, do I really divorce? Is that my solution?


Here is my final question to you. Please ponder it. We all know you are married to a jerk because you have given us ample information that confirms said conclusion. So, what are you actually looking for? For us to rally around you and agree you are married to a jerk?

Nobody here knows your solution. You, and YOU ALONE, know the solution. I feel for ya. Years ago, I was married to an outright lunatic. I left in spite of my fears. He remained a lunatic. I got free of him. Nobody could tell me when to do it or how to do it.

But I will say this: I quit a job I loved in order to take a much higher-paying job that I didn't love. But I had a plan to get free of that man and not remain entangled in all the drama.

Try to get back your former job. Get another job. Get out. Stay. But please quit saying you are confused when you keep getting deeper into it.

Sorry for being so tough on you, but girlfriend, you quit your job full knowing what a sh!t your husband is. Now it is up to you to decide whether you stay or leave. Nobody here can make that decision for you. N-o-b-o-d-y.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

delirium said:


> I have discussed it with my husband several times. I honestly think he has lied his entire life to either appease people or get out of trouble. I think counseling might help... Is he willing to try counseling?


This.



The lying has become a habit that gets him out of trouble, from his point of view its makes people satisfied or get them off his back....

It's for the moment only, he knows that, but has learned no other way, so it makes his self esteem lower and lower every time he uses the tool of lying.

Like the RING, he has to get rid of this habit, once and for all. 
Go cold turkey on it.


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