# No mutual decisions



## Mihpares (Oct 2, 2015)

My husband and I keep a lot of our affairs separate. Aside from the house we make no financial decisions together. Bills and bank accounts are separated. I don't even know what the water bill looks like. He couldn't tell you what insurance I have.

However that also trickles into decision making. What's for dinner-- we eat separately. Where to vacation-- I go and he doesn't want to. Etc.

So when he told me he was looking for a new job across country (before we married) I wasn't surprised. Especially since he was was moving to be near his children. However he became angry when I didn't want to move with him. He never asked me about moving, he just went and asked me after. I went, which I regret, and we married.

Fast forward 2 years and he says he wants to move back to where we came from. Two months after mentioning this he moves alone. There is no discussion on what I want to do and I have by now got a very very good job with growth opportunity. Plus neither of us know anybody here for 800 miles except his one brother, and I'm here alone. After some time I swallowed my hurt again and figured at least I'm going home to my family and friends. I prepare the house and put it up for sale and tell my job I'm leaving.

Two days after I tell my job I'm leaving he says he is moving BACK to where I am and that I'm free to "do my own thing" if I still want 
to move. He says he misses his kids which I understand, but I'm conflicted with all these sudden changes, and I want to go home.

When I ask him he says he doesn't want to split up but that's all I'm hearing when he says anything. I'm tired of being yanked around and he claims I'm not understanding him or being supportive.

Am I right in thinking this is an insane way to run a marriage?? Even if he were single this flitting around is crazy to me. I feel a total lack of consideration for what I want and feel. He seems uninterested in my career or whether I'm alone. I'm ready to just divorce and move on. Am I being dramatic or unreasonable?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You're being perfectly reasonable!!! Why does this man want to be married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I also think that you are being reasonable. He's yanking you around and not considering you and your relationship. At this point it sounds like you hardly have a marriage at all.

To me, his telling you to do whatever you want is his way of saying that he does not want to be married any longer. It's just putting the onus on you to be the one to file. Perhaps as that he can then say that you were the one who wanted the divorce and thus, he looks innocent.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

What you have described doesn't sound like a marriage. Doesn't even sound like much of a relationship. More like a legal connection for some other purpose. No one seems much committed to anything resembling a loving, caring, supportive lifelong relationship. I have warmer relationships with some of my professional acquaintances.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OMG, you are being a huge fool! You are married for goodness sake and the MINIMUM you should expect is that anything that affects you personally such as moving MUST be discussed. it sounds like your H enjoys the perks of being married but wants the flexibility of a single life. He cannot have both. You must sit down and talk about this, i.e. the merging of your separateness into a couple, you sound like two roommates with benefits!

If necessary attend MC to have someone to mediate the issues. if he cannot see that there is an issue then you have to 
1. do what makes you happy, plan your life accordingly
2. though I don't personally condone divorce, you may well have to consider it


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Like they say, actions speak louder than words. Pay no attention to what he says, leaving you in the first place says it all.

Number two is you or no one else can gpdepend on him.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The sex must be toe curling


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## H3rmit (Oct 3, 2015)

Mihpares said:


> I feel a total lack of consideration for what I want and feel. He seems uninterested in my career or whether I'm alone. I'm ready to just divorce and move on.


You nailed it - lack of consideration. You bought into it when you moved in the first place, just like I did in my now-flailing marriage. We aren't as separate, and my husband's unilateral stuff isn't quite as extreme or prevalent, but the bottom line is that he isn't engaged in considering my feelings and needs when things need to be resolved. Again, on a different dimension than yours, which is just wild. I could never have lived with what you are putting up with. If you want a divorce, what is your hesitation?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're being reasonable. He isn't. 

Why do you want to be married to him? (And if the only reason is because you love him -- well, love alone doesn't mean a relationship will work).


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