# would it bother you if you're spouse hid extra money from you?



## chasing_rainbows (Apr 3, 2012)

here's the basic jist....

my husband does freelance work randomly, is requesting payment from the client

yesterday he went to the lowe's for an appliance, but made no mention of texting the client about also picking up his check (they live close to the lowe's), 

this is in the context of him suddenly getting into paintball, spending lots of time craigslisting camo, paint guns, etc., some things paid with bartering, some with cash (that we don't have a lot of)

just the other day he said he wanted to make extra money to get "prepared" for November for "just in case" (that's a whole other story) so why has he kept the extra money to himself?

also, this is in addition to a history of lies about a number of minor to not-so-minor things, which has obviously destroyed my trust in him, which I've expressed many times and he agreed to MC "if that's what you think we need to do"

the latest item he's trying to purchase is a $400 bullet proof vest, which sounds like overkill for paintball, but I've never played

he setup a meeting for the vest, but didn't have the cash from bartering, so he told the seller an elaborate lie about the money going to help some friends who were in hurricane Isaac in LA and he'd have to wait til payday, also he's now been in contact with another seller of a vest via text and has deleted these texts from his phone

first, i see he's not limiting his lies to me

second, the amount of the check is no where near the $400 so I'm wondering if he's just going to keep the cash to himself even though we don't have a lot of money, his mom helps us by staying 3 days a week to p/u our kids from school while I'm in school at night, she doesn't have a lot of money and drives and hour each way to get to us, then 30 miles a day to/from school for the kids

i just transferred money to her account, but not at his request, i just wanted to give her what i could, i've also filled her tank while she's with us, she doesn't have to worry about meals while with us, 

should i just call him on his bluff about MC and make an appointment, tell him "yes, that's what "I think we need to do, here's where you need to be at such and such time".."?

i was also thinking about just asking him "would you like an honest and trusting marriage?"... that's all, as a way to express that I don't think we have one, and I can't possibly ask anymore for that, I'm like a broken record, and it's becoming clear that I should have the same accountability to him that he feels he should have to me


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I could care less if my wife hid any money from me. A a matter of fact, she can keep a 'slush fund' for herself wide open. My only issue would be if we were in panic mode to pay a bill and she did this. 

Thankfully we are doing better than ever financially right now and I give her open purse strings to buy whatever she wants for the house, kids or herself. As long as we can pay that credit card bill in full when it arrives. I can't stand paying interest.


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## chasing_rainbows (Apr 3, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> I could care less if my wife hid any money from me. A a matter of fact, she can keep a 'slush fund' for herself wide open. My only issue would be if we were in panic mode to pay a bill and she did this.
> 
> *We live paycheck to paycheck... not panic, but definitely have to be frugile
> *
> Thankfully we are doing better than ever financially right now and I give her open purse strings to buy whatever she wants for the house, kids or herself. As long as we can pay that credit card bill in full when it arrives. I can't stand paying interest.


I wish we were in that position, but we're a long way from it


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I have my own bank accounts, and hubs knows nothing of my balance in my savings account!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The lying in general is worrisome... but as long as you're making ends meet just some thoughts:

If he were putting away money for a nice vacation, holiday, anniversary gift of course that's acceptable but how would you know?

Have you guys struggled for so long that he is just tired of being poor and wants to have a little fun? (I think that's why the economy is turning around a little - people are just tired of not having any fun/nothing new.)

The bullet-proof vest and reference to planning for 'November' is a bit worrisome... what is happening then? Is he depressed? Has a grudge? Is resentful? I guess some of the rampages in the news come to mind.

Bottom line, if it's just to treat himself because he never gets to or he wants to surprise the family with something over the holidays I wouldn't mind the lies about the cash (although that doesn't seem to be the case). But if it's to prepare to do something (move out?) or peruse a hobby and it's putting a strain on the family budget, that's not OK.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

To the Op,
I think the problem is bigger than him hiding money.
The lying for small things and hiding it is the greater issue.

And what's up with that bullet proof vest?
Sounds like he's living in an alternate reality, 
aka fantasy land.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

southern wife said:


> I have my own bank accounts, and hubs knows nothing of my balance in my savings account!


I really think that is pretty normal...








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

southern wife said:


> *I have my own bank accounts, and hubs knows nothing of my balance in my savings account! *


Not to hijack the thread,

But I personally think that EVERY WOMAN, whether rich ,middle class or poor is supposed to have a separate account, from their partners.
Even if they have a joint account,she should save for herself.
Husband not supposed to access that.

Money=Power.


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## chasing_rainbows (Apr 3, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> The lying in general is worrisome... but as long as you're making ends meet just some thoughts:
> 
> If he were putting away money for a nice vacation, holiday, anniversary gift of course that's acceptable but how would you know?
> 
> ...





Caribbean Man said:


> To the Op,
> I think the problem is bigger than him hiding money.
> The lying for small things and hiding it is the greater issue.
> 
> ...


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## chasing_rainbows (Apr 3, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Not to hijack the thread,
> 
> But I personally think that EVERY WOMAN, whether rich ,middle class or poor is supposed to have a separate account, from their partners.
> Even if they have a joint account,she should save for herself.
> ...


i opened one two months ago, a solo account, i just put my last paycheck in there since i do the bills and know it could be put away, i decided after that i'll be putting a paycheck in every month


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'd be very worried about his behavior, especially when something that should by nothing more than a hobby starts becoming an "I might need it depending on what happens in the election" mentality. It sounds like your guy might not be emotionally stable! 

Bullet-proof vests are overkill for paintball. Paintball can and does leave nasty bruises, but obviously that has NOTHING to do with an election result, either. 

Yes, I'd schedule a MC appointment if my spouse was behaving suspiciously and erratically, lying, and showing financial irresponsibility.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

chasing_rainbows said:


> i was also thinking about just asking him "would you like an honest and trusting marriage?"... that's all, as a way to express that I don't think we have one


If you would like an open and trusting marriage then why not be open and honest and tell him you don't think you have one rather than asking leading questions and hoping to sort of segue into the desired topic?

A marriage is a financial contract, nothing more. If you're married and there are monies being hidden, then that contract has been officially broken and it's a problem that needs to be dealt with.

How to deal with that problem may vary, could be divorce, hiding your own money, doing some detective work to expose any and all financial and other deceptions, but whatever you do, don't just sit there and accept it as a fact of life.


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## chasing_rainbows (Apr 3, 2012)

donders said:


> If you would like an open and trusting marriage then why not be open and honest and tell him you don't think you have one rather than asking leading questions and hoping to sort of segue into the desired topic?
> 
> *i have directly expressed that to him over the past year, i've cried, yelled, spoke calmly, factually, tried to take his suggestion to "at some point, get over the past", also tried the "what can i do to make this better" (co-dependant, i know, working on regaining my self already), every conversation ends with absolutely no attempt to do anything different on his part, and he moves on about his day as if i've never expressed a word of concern, so that brings me to today, i have my own account, put my check in and researched child support in our state*
> 
> ...


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

chasing_rainbows said:


> so i'm breaking the contract now, but i feel like i have to create a net for me and my kids


Sounds like he broke it first.


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