# Found out about my wifes EA + Texting pics. How do I ever trust her again?



## Nikknakz (Nov 9, 2011)

Well, I'm destroyed.

My wife of 3 years admitted 6 months ago to having a crush on a guy that she used to work with (He got fired)

I found out last night the full extent of it. They texted constantly, sexted 4 times, and she sent him 2 pictures of herself nude in the course of a month.

They never actually met up, i have all the evidence, and she actually hasn't even spoken to him in over 4 months in any way. I demanded she have NC with him after I found out how flirty they were getting. She has complied completely, but did not then tell me the extent of what they had done. 

I'm extremely torn, and humiliated. She has complied with the no contact ever since I told her too, it has never happened before or since. I just was under the impression it was a very flirty thing, I had no idea they were actually sexting and she sent him pics until last night. 

I don't know what to do since she has already cut off all contact, she has been crying non stop since 11pm last night, begging me to forgive her. Is she truly remorseful? How does one survive an EA and ever trust again?

How do you ever trust again? I want it to work, I'm confident she was never physical with anyone, but even this is devastating.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what do you want, was this a deal breaker or do you see yourself staying with her if it wasn't physical?


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Nikknakz,

You are at the very beginnings of a long hard road. The "fact" that there has been no contact is hopeful but are you 100% sure. If not...well then you need to investigate further. 

The chances of here coming clean on everything that transpired between them are slim, especially since you are still finding out some trickle truth...sounds like she is in full cover her ass mode.

Her crying and begging could probably be construed as real remorse for the present situation...but it seems half-hearted since she didn't become completely transparent about the extent of the affair.

Without full disclosure from her, i would be ready to learn more truths as time goes by...this is not good and will cause setbacks in your recovery. 

Are you 100% sure they never went physical. I find it hard to believe people would send naked pics to someone they haven't been physical with...but that's just me.

For her to be able to regain your trust 2 things have to happen:

1. Full disclosure: you can't be hit with new information a week, month or year down the road...everything about the affair needs to be brought to light.

2. 100% no-contact, she needs to keep this going no matter what...no emails, text, accidental meetings..ect..


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## Nikknakz (Nov 9, 2011)

I don't know. I felt like this was never even a possibility in our marriage so I never made that mental note of "If she ever does this, it's over" Right now I've had her leave the house, go to her parents, and she told them everything. 

I'm just trying to figure out if it's possible to ever trust her again? Right now I've told her I don't know whats going to happen, just that I care about her with all my heart, but I can't promise anything right now.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Nikknakz said:


> I don't know. I felt like this was never even a possibility in our marriage so I never made that mental note of "If she ever does this, it's over" Right now I've had her leave the house, go to her parents, and she told them everything.
> 
> I'm just trying to figure out if it's possible to ever trust her again? Right now I've told her I don't know whats going to happen, just that I care about her with all my heart, but I can't promise anything right now.


and that's fine if you need to think it over 
I was asking if it was a definite deal breaker


if you want to R, then you need to get the following:


1) NC (which you state has been done already), I'll add that if he ever contacts her she needs to ignore it and tell you about it right away. (also, did she send a NC letter?)
2) 100% transparency- all passwords, emails, social sites, phones etc are now open to you whenever and wherever you want. Also, without telling her, you need to verify her actions with keyloggers, VAR's and such
3) she needs to be truly remorseful and own up 100% to the affair. She must answer any and all questions you have truthfully and do whatever it takes for you to heal- ie. do all of the heavy lifting
4) start spending 10-15 of alone time together a week. Find common things to do together and start bonding again


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## Nikknakz (Nov 9, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> Nikknakz,
> 
> You are at the very beginnings of a long hard road. The "fact" that there has been no contact is hopeful but are you 100% sure. If not...well then you need to investigate further.
> 
> ...



I appreciate the advice.

I am 100% positive they never met up, I have read the messages and they are very clear that while they wanted too, they never actually did. 

He was fired and moved some distance away, that's when all the really flirty texting and sexting stuff started. She told me "I told you what I did so that I would be accountable to you, and make it stop, but I didnt tell you everything because I was terrified you would leave me."

Since she told me that (the first bit) I have had full access to her emails, phone, etc. She is not computer savvy enough to really hide anything from me anyways. 

She also says I can pose as her on her FB to prove that they were never physical. I am going to be going over her call logs to figure out if she ever called him in the last few months.

Ty for advice


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wait, she and he a friends still on FB? That needs to stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She needs to block him from her FB. Today.


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## Nikknakz (Nov 9, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Wait, she and he a friends still on FB? That needs to stop.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, she blocked his FB account back when the first bit came to light. I unblocked him last night, which revealed all of their messaging, and is how I found out.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Polygraph, for starters.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Find the contact info of the OMW.

Expose the affair to the OMW.


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## Nikknakz (Nov 9, 2011)

He's just a dumb single guy. She is a nurse and he was a lowlife CNA she thought was cute. Not much to expose, fact is he probably brags about it to anyone who will listen.


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## Nikknakz (Nov 9, 2011)

I told her she has to start counseling to figure out what drove her to do this, at this point she is swearing that I have been told everything now.

She volunteered for a polygraph without asking. I've told her she has the next hour to tell me if there was ever anything physical, and that if I find out later there was, I will serve her divorce papers as that will be the nail in the coffin of ever being able to trust her. 

Shes still at her parents crying from what her mother tells me.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Take her up on the poly(and make sure she pays the cost of it).
Many cheaters "volunteer" to take one, only to balk when taken up on it.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

The fact that all the flirting and txting started after OM got fired likely means that their relationship started before him getting fired. I don't think she has come completely clean, and there is a good chance some form of PA occurred while they worked together. 

I suggest demanding polygraph.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If you do decide to forgive and stay with her, MC and for you, maybe some IC, will be in order.

It'll be hard, but it can be done.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I already see a red flag. You told her if it was physical then you're out of there and she can go fly a kite basically. If nothing happened she would have been fine since she already agreed to the polygraph.

But her crying hysterically, from what her mom told you, makes me wonder if it did go physical and your wife realizes she might have just nuked herself.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

The text msgs may indicate as though they never met up, but that may mean they never met up since the breakup due to his getting fired. So, to compensate their inability to get together, she spent the equal energy in txting and sexting instead. Have you contemplated on such possibility? 

Also, just because she seems remorseful, do not believe it is genuine. It could be out of her shock of shame and fear that you may leave. For WW, the emotional attachment is hard to sever in an instant like that. I think you should snoop like crazy for a while to make sure NC is truly established. 

I repeat strongly that you demand poly on her.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

The marriage is still young.

Get yourself and your wife tested for the full panel of STDs.

And whatever you do, do not have kids now. Dont get her pregnant. It'll make matters many times worse. Wait till later, see what unfolds.

Protect yourself financially and legally. For ex, no joint bank accounts or credit cards.

It's going to be a very tough to decide whether she'll do this again (or how you may react in the future when you reflect on this).


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

The sad thing about all this is she did this about 2 years into a new marriage when you both should still be in the honeymoon phase.

What her commitment to the marriage now remains questionable.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

sadcalifornian said:


> The fact that all the flirting and txting started after OM got fired likely means that their relationship started before him getting fired. I don't think she has come completely clean, and there is a good chance some form of PA occurred while they worked together.
> 
> I suggest demanding polygraph.


This is a great point. When was it most likely that this thing got kindled? When seeing each other every day or when he was leaving her life? Doesn't make sense. All of that time together and they never saw each others naughty parts, but as soon as he LEAVES they start? 

There was another post here that mentioned she offered the poly as a ruse to make it look like she wants to prove her innocence. She's hoping you won't take her up on it. But if you do, she's then hoping the questions will revolve around what you know. The long distance EA. Behind all of that crying there is a bit of relief that the questions have not revolved around "what was going on while you were still together".

If you do the poly, I can recommend one question. "Did you ever kiss this guy?". Hopefully that can be thrown in while she's 
mentally preparing for "did he ever fly back here to screw you"?

It's the part from before he left that you need to begin concentrating on.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Take her up on the poly, then watch how she reacts. If she's guilty, then she'll come up with every excuse from she's not feeling well to the earth will get crushed by a gigantic asteroid on poly day to weasel out of it.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Don't let the tears manipulate you into feeling sorry for her. If you want to give her a second chance, have her sign a statement admitting to the sexually oriented message content and pictures (attach the messages and pictures) - and then reference the statement and then have her sign a post nup where she forfeits her share in all financial accounts or other assets, and pays for divorce attorney fees if she repeats this behavior ... also include that failure to continue to provide 100% transparency in all communications, including face to face contact with other men outside of work can also trigger the post nup penalty. It's a tough offer but that's the price she pays.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Robert22205 said:


> Don't let the tears manipulate you into feeling sorry for her. If you want to give her a second chance, have her sign a statement admitting to the sexually oriented message content and pictures (attach the messages and pictures) - and then reference the statement and then have her sign a post nup where she forfeits her share in all financial accounts or other assets, and pays for divorce attorney fees if she repeats this behavior ... also include that failure to continue to provide 100% transparency in all communications, including face to face contact with other men outside of work can also trigger the post nup penalty. It's a tough offer but that's the price she pays.


You’re almost seven years too late with your advice.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> You’re almost seven years too late with your advice.


On all three of the threads he's bumped in the last half hour.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Sorry I didn't realize an old thread would still be in the "New Post" window.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Why is this even here?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Zombie from 2011. Closing. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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