# How to get wife to go along with budget...



## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

We were currently living OK with only myself working and my wife being a stay at home mom. She has recently went back to work for a few hours a week. She's done this because she said she wants "her" money and to not feel guilty if she wants to go out and buy herself something or do something for the kids. We have both decided that now would be a good time to start a budget. 

I've explained the various reasons why I want to start saving now and have the bills paid off so we can enjoy life once the kids are out of the house. I also suggested the Dave Ramsey method of budgeting because I realize we need to go hardcore. We've sat down and come up with a spreadsheet to try and follow, she doesn't want to follow the budget and feels that the budget should just be used for accountability and that's it. She's freely admitted that the only thing that would bother her if she blew up the budget would be me complaining about it. 

Any suggestions on how to get her to realize that a budget really does work and it isn't the end of the world?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

How old is your wife. How old are you. 

You sound "sound" and mature. Good job!

Yes, save for:

Children's college.
Retirement.
Rainy Day.
New home
Christmas presents for rug rats

Retirement is the big one. Getting old gets here fast!

Social Security is going broke. They may do a means test on it. They certainly will push the "Full Retirement Age" higher.

Not that you can live on Social Security...you cannot. 

Shove as much into 401Ks, 403Bs, whatever. Consider working for a company {govt job?} that has a fixed pension....GOOD luck finding one!

Take advantage of matching programs given to employees. If you have money taken out of your paycheck you never see it. Oh, never pull it out and spend that 401K.

If you are self employed then put some away out of every pay check.

Hang tough on this. Do not let your wife talk you out of saving.

Dave Ramsey is great!


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

All but one of our debts is manageable, she has over $160,000 in student loans currently.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Zdog, this is going to be harsh.

Each thread you start has one undercurrent:

"How can I get my wife to change?"

Or:

"How can I get my wife to stop feeding me **** sandwiches?"

Answer:

She won't. At least, not until you do. 

Or:

Close your damn mouth when you see the **** sandwiches coming.

One of these days you will put your foot down. At that point, either her respect will build for you, or it will hammer the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.

Until you do so, nothing will change.

Nothing.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is she in general a rational person? Can you sit down and specifically go over a budget?

It can be tough for some people. My wife grew up wealthy and at some deep level didn't really grock that there is a finite amount of money so that there have to be trade-offs. She was rational and smart so that we were able to sit down and go over budgets in detail.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

$160K in school loans? Is she a brain surgeon? Good Lord. That's crushing. Can you not pay it and declare bankruptcy? 

I don't blame her for not wanting to follow a budget with a debt like that. It would feel like, what's the point, we're fcked anyways.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ZDog377 said:


> All but one of our debts is manageable, she has over $160,000 in student loans currently.


Sir, your W should be working to pay this down.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

WOW $160K in student loans is like a second mortgage. You guys may have to become a two earner family sooner than you might what to get out from under that crushing debt.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> $160K in school loans? Is she a brain surgeon? Good Lord. That's crushing. Can you not pay it and declare bankruptcy?
> 
> I don't blame her for not wanting to follow a budget with a debt like that. It would feel like, what's the point, we're fcked anyways.


Student loans are the one thing that won't go away if you declare bankruptcy. They will still be there after. They will be there until you die, if you don't pay them off.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

She has school loans the size of that and she's not even using the degree? Certainly the part time work isn't being applied to the school loan if she wants to use it for her own pleasure? She definitely has her priorities misplaced.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Some people just won't budget. When that happens you have to decide if you are OK with how things are going or if you will change them. My XWW was the same way. I couldn't get her to follow a budget no matter what she agreed to; it just wasn't going to happen. I don't have any advice for you other than have her get a job and for you to stop supporting her.


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

uhtred said:


> Is she in general a rational person? Can you sit down and specifically go over a budget?
> 
> It can be tough for some people. My wife grew up wealthy and at some deep level didn't really grock that there is a finite amount of money so that there have to be trade-offs. She was rational and smart so that we were able to sit down and go over budgets in detail.


She's an irrational person most of the time I feel. She is very impulsive and has the live in the moment type attitude. We are both 33 but I'm the only one with any retirement savings. She lost an aunt she was close to back in 2015 and her dad recently here in late 2016. This has definitely caused her to look at money with a "You can't take it with you attitude"


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Zdog, this is going to be harsh.
> 
> Each thread you start has one undercurrent:
> 
> ...


I think you should read this post over and over. I remember your other thread. Maybe you should have just posted an update from there...


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

Hate to tell you but the best solution for your situation is to sign a post nap agreement and manage separate budgets. A person capable to build 160K debt will never manage the budget reasonably and responsibly. Since you are comfortable with her staying home, you may transfer some money to her monthly, so she will have "her" money, but secure your future with the paperwork.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ZDog377 said:


> All but one of our debts is manageable, she has over $160,000 in student loans currently.


With amount of student debt, she should be working full time to pay it off.

What did she get her degree in that it cost that much?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

For people who do not get budgets, there is a very good book. It explains a lot of things about saving in a way that might make more sense to your wife. I suggest that you both read it.

*Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner Paperback * by David Bach

Ramsey is very good. But for some people, it's too complicated. They need a simpler framework to pin their financial plan on.

Does your current plan allow each of you discressionary money each month that each of you can spend as you please?

Basically:

Put 10% (or more if you can) a month into savings, 401k's, etc. (pay yourself first)

Pay the bills.

Then with any money left over each of you get split it 50% for each of you to spend as you each please. What might be bothering your wife is more that she feels like you are trying to control her. Each of you having $$ every month that you don't have to answer to the other for, it might take away her feeling that you are trying to control her. 

If she is the one who spends on kids things/activities another spit that might work is 33% for you, 33% for her + 33% for the kids. (or some mix like that). 

The basic expenditures on the children should be out of your normal bill money... child care, basic clothing, school supplies, activities like sports.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Getting her to use a budget is going to be a hard sell now because you made the mistake of letting be a SAHM. She's going to think you have plenty of money but just won't let her spend it. I think the only way out of this is to show her that you really messed up when she was a SAHM and would never be able to save for retirement or for college for the kids. The first thing that you need to do is make her go back to work full time and show her where her piece of her income will fit in the budget and how you will work toward saving for the future. If you don't do that she'll just go back to being a SAHM with no budget.


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> For people who do not get budgets, there is a very good book. It explains a lot of things about saving in a way that might make more sense to your wife. I suggest that you both read it.
> 
> *Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner Paperback * by David Bach
> 
> ...


She's mentioned that she doesn't like Ramsey because he says you need to put every extra penny towards debt in his second step and he also says no vacations while in the second step. When we have talked before, we both know that eating out is something we need to cut back on. However, I am usually gone during the week for work and just want a home cooked meal when I come home. She is the exact opposite. 

She has a bachelor's in child development and master's in adult and continuing education. I've stopped complaining about the amount of the debt to her now, I've said that we need to pay it off. Mine have a little under $5,000 left. All bills (car, house, etc) are in my name because she had to declare bankruptcy a few years ago to get out from under a house she bought before we got married.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Read this together: First comes Love then comes money Bethany and Scott Palmer. was library book. Take control of it. I put my head in the sand trying for ten years to budget, cut, and save six months of salary. Well ten years past. We are broke, no savings. We are divorcing, and I got hardly anyfood in my fridge. Wife and I are living together until divorce is final. I have to get donations from Catholic charities for rent, security deposit, and application fee, and moving expenses otherwise I am homeless. SAVE MONEY ASAP SO YOU HAVE PROTECTION FOR HER AND YOU. HAVE SIX MONTHS SALARY OR MORE PUT AWAY. I AM SO ANGRY AND SICK, SICK THAT WE, ESPECIALLY ME THAT I AM IN THIS POSITION. MAKES ME ANGRY THINKING ABOUT IT. IF YOU HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE SEE A COUNSELOR AND RESCUE IT. YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE CHARGE FOR NOW. GIVE WIFE A ALLOWANCE. MOVE CASH AND PAY TO AN ACCOUNT THAT SHE CAN'T GET TO. DEPOSIT THE MONEY YOU NEED FOR HER TO SPEND ON GROCERIES, SUNDRIES, SPA TREATMENTS, AND CLOTHES ALLOWANCE, AND KIDS. BUT PAY YOUR FIRST AND PUT MONEY AWAY. IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP TANKS YOU WANT TO HAVE A SAFETY NET FOR YOU BOTH. IT IS THE LOVING THING TO DO. IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS A SUCCESS YOU HAVE A SAFETY NET FOR LOSING A JOB. MY UNEMPLOYMENT RAN OUT. I WORKING TEMP AND SO UNDEREMPLOYED BY $28,000. IT IS SO DEPRESSING TO WORK FOR $14.00 AN HOUR WHEN YOU HOUSEHOLD NEEDS $4800 PER MONTH. THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE SAVINGS OR DATE MONEY TO ROMANCE YOUR WIFE.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ZDog377 said:


> She's mentioned that she doesn't like Ramsey because he says you need to put every extra penny towards debt in his second step and he also says no vacations while in the second step.


The method used in "Smart Couples Finish Rich" is a lot easier to follow. In the book, he does not talk about dividing what is left over after saving and paying bills. But it if you do that, then you each have the same amount and she can feel like she it not under your thumb financially.

The Smart book talks about the idea of putting all things like vacations, entertainment, etc on hold until your bills are paid off. The book warns to not do that. I think this is wise because when the budget is that tight, most people end up breaking it. 

It's like being on a diet and never being able to eat anything sweet again. Eventually the cravings will drive you nuts.

There needs to be some slack. I'm not saying to blow money, but there has to be some enjoyment in life too.



ZDog377 said:


> She's mentioned that she doesn't like Ramsey because he says you need to put every extra penny towards debt in his second step and he also says no vacations while in the second step. When we have talked before, we both know that eating out is something we need to cut back on. However, I am usually gone during the week for work and just want a home cooked meal when I come home. She is the exact opposite.


How many hours a week does your wife work? It's pretty typical for a SAH to want to get out of the house on weekends and for a working spouse to want to veg at home on weekends. So compromise is in order.

So compromise. Do you eat out for every meal on weekends or only dinner? 

How about having a home cooked meal early in the day. But then you go out for desert and coffee? Or appetizers? Or share a meal when you go out?

Or find coupons and specials. Try groupon.com for something 

Here's www.restrauant.com, just enter your zip code to see what's in your area.



ZDog377 said:


> She has a bachelor's in child development and master's in adult and continuing education. I've stopped complaining about the amount of the debt to her now, I've said that we need to pay it off. Mine have a little under $5,000 left. All bills (car, house, etc) are in my name because she had to declare bankruptcy a few years ago to get out from under a house she bought before we got married.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I am just going to throw my plug for YNAB.com (You Need A Budget). I think it's easier to use because you can keep track of your spending as you go by using an app on your phone. It's also easier to set up. It kind of tricks you into saving money. The goal is to be paying next months bills with this months paycheck. Every dollar has to have a job. And if you have extra money this month, you can put it into next months budget. 

Not for everyone, but totally works for me.


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> The method used in "Smart Couples Finish Rich" is a lot easier to follow. In the book, he does not talk about dividing what is left over after saving and paying bills. But it if you do that, then you each have the same amount and she can feel like she it not under your thumb financially.
> 
> The Smart book talks about the idea of putting all things like vacations, entertainment, etc on hold until your bills are paid off. The book warns to not do that. I think this is wise because when the budget is that tight, most people end up breaking it.
> 
> ...


Right now she is working four hours a week. She is picking up some cases here and there that give her 15 hours a piece but they are one week and done. 

The three kids right now make eating out complicated. It's almost $50 with tip when all of us go.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Then don't go out to eat. Problem solved. Eating out is a huge money pit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ZDog377 said:


> Right now she is working four hours a week. She is picking up some cases here and there that give her 15 hours a piece but they are one week and done.
> 
> The three kids right now make eating out complicated. It's almost $50 with tip when all of us go.


Get coupons/discounts to help with eating out as I suggested earlier.

How often do you and your wife go out alone, just the two of you, without the children?


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Get coupons/discounts to help with eating out as I suggested earlier.
> 
> How often do you and your wife go out alone, just the two of you, without the children?


Just us without anybody even friends, probably once a month if that. We will sometimes go out with friends to a local diner after the younger two are in bed but that's maybe twice a month. Every other time at least one of the kids is with us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ZDog377 said:


> Just us without anybody even friends, probably once a month if that. We will sometimes go out with friends to a local diner after the younger two are in bed but that's maybe twice a month. Every other time at least one of the kids is with us.


This could be part of the problem. From said, it sounds like there is a bit of underlying problems between you and your wife. Not spending enough quality time together, just the two of you is often a large part of what cases that.

Have you and your wife read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"?


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> This could be part of the problem. From said, it sounds like there is a bit of underlying problems between you and your wife. Not spending enough quality time together, just the two of you is often a large part of what cases that.
> 
> Have you and your wife read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"?


No, we have only done the Love Languages book.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ZDog377 said:


> No, we have only done the Love Languages book.


The two books I mentioned are far more in depth than the Love Languages book. I think that you two would benefit a lot by reading them and doing the work that they suggest.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ZDog377 said:


> All but one of our debts is manageable, she has over $160,000 in student loans currently.


And she's working only *PART TIME* ...?!?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Doesn't sound like very much has changed -- at least as it relates to finances in general and her student debt in particular -- since your thread in SIM.


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## trinityjoshua (Apr 24, 2017)

Ok...... Look..... Some of this advice is good and some of this advice is not good. There are a lot of questions that need to be answered first in order to get a full picture of what is going on here. First of all.... it isn't that some people just eill not budget, it is probably more the way he is presenting the idea of budgetting to his wife. Number two, it is not that big of a thing for her not to be working in her degree field. Can she get a job in that field? Do you want her to work, or would you rather her stay at home? Are you one of those people who complains about everything? These are all things I have experienced in my own life. I have a website and I am telling my story on it. I am going through a lot of these problems. It is a new website, only has two posts on it. But I do welcome you to come and read it. Please give it a few weeks to see if I cover some of the things you are having difficulty with. 

Smiles,
Trinity Joshua

I'm Too Overwhelmed- Its More Normal than You think


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

trinityjoshua said:


> Ok...... Look..... Some of this advice is good and some of this advice is not good. There are a lot of questions that need to be answered first in order to get a full picture of what is going on here. First of all.... it isn't that some people just eill not budget, it is probably more the way he is presenting the idea of budgetting to his wife. Number two, it is not that big of a thing for her not to be working in her degree field. Can she get a job in that field? Do you want her to work, or would you rather her stay at home? Are you one of those people who complains about everything? These are all things I have experienced in my own life. I have a website and I am telling my story on it. I am going through a lot of these problems. It is a new website, only has two posts on it. But I do welcome you to come and read it. Please give it a few weeks to see if I cover some of the things you are having difficulty with.
> 
> Smiles,
> Trinity Joshua
> ...


She is working in her field right now. She has completed the paperwork for her certification, but now needs to send everything in and wait for the approval. It's part time but I guess it is something. I was fine if she stayed home and I was fine if she went back to work. When she went back to work, I expressed that I wanted to use that money to get ahead on things not create more expenses. The problem we are running into now is that she is getting into another business selling something and wants to cut her hours back because the kids are out of school for the summer. It's a constant struggle...


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