# Please help.......



## jaden823 (Jan 24, 2015)

I need some advice on how to cope with my marriage ending. I knew it was coming for months. My husband had been acting differently for a long time I don't know if it is someone else or if he truly hates me. He hired a female at his work about 8 months ago. Since then my marriage went completely downhill every time I brought up her name there would be war and he would say I was jealous of her. He started changing he would be so miserable coming home, while in at work he was so happy smiling joking laughing. Anyway this continued for months and every time I tried to talk to him he would blow up until the other night when he went crazy throwing his wedding ring at me saying how bad he hates me he then picked up everything he could find and threw it at me so I ran out of the house and got a pfa on him. Since then I can't stop crying it's like he has died and I feel I can't cope anymore. I don't understand why it hurts so bad when he has been so hateful towards me and I just feel that I am losing my mind. We have 3 children together and I have them of course but I have no idea how I am going to take care of them when I can't take care of myself right now .


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Is the end of your marriage what you want? I noticed you did not say you needed help saving your marriage so I can only assume it's what you want. If ending it is your objective then the rational thing to do would be sit down and have a conversation with your H explaining your desire to end the union. A civil D is preferable over a hostile one any day so deciding things amicably beforehand is prudent. If he will not discuss it then you have no option but to file for D and fight it out.

May I inquire, if you have to fight anyway in a D, then would you consider fighting to save the union instead? Do you know why your H hates you? Is there any more info you could/would share? Perhaps you feel you have already done all you can, I cannot know this, so the question may be irrelevant.

Again, if D is what you want or you feel it is the only option left, then I would certainly communicate that with your H and then focus on accomplishing your goal. You will most likely receive financial support for the children and between that and your job you can move forward. It troubles me to see marriages split up especially when children are involved but there are times when it is unavoidable. I wish you good fortune.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Jaden, it's perfectly normal that you feel this way, you've gone through a horrible situation and you life has been turned upside down. While you suspected something was up, it wouldn't have helped you prepare for having things thrown at you and an H saying he hates you! That's pretty extreme! I'm glad you made yourself safe.

Now is the time you lick your wounds, and look after your children in a mechanical way while you process this. How long ago did this happen? Are you in your house? Has he moved out? What's the living situation?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Just as well that it ends.... if he is throwing things at you. 

Take it one day at a time. Call on your sisters or your girlfriends to come to your house and help you out a bit. Or just to be there for you. It's ok to be sad in front of the kids, but I'd think its best to try not to have meltdowns. They will take their cue from you. Besides, if Dad is acting all crazy, they are going to need one parent who is sane. Ya know? 

You can do this. It's sad, and stupid, and wrong, and not fair.... but you can do it. Baby steps. 

Try to keep your chin up. Try to keep the kids routine as same as usual. Let some things slide, and play catch up later. 

See an attorney. Educate yourself about divorce in your state. You can read about it online too. Find out where you stand....that goes a long way toward getting a grip. 

Take care of yourself, so that you are able to take care of the kids.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Speak with the most shark-like divorce attorney you can find to discuss your rights and responsibilities, including supervised visitation for the kids since he is prone to throwing things. Actually, speak to as many of them as you can find. Initial consultations are usually free and this will prevent them from being able to represent your STBXH.

Until the divorce is final STBXH cannot cut off insurance, mortgage payments or anything like that. This is why you need to find a divorce attorney, so you can have your rights protected as well as those of your children.

Also, find a therapist or support group for those going through a divorce that can help you cope. You will be going through the stages of grief as this is the death of a marriage. Depending on their ages, your kids may need therapy, too.

IamSomebody


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## jaden823 (Jan 24, 2015)

Ever since this female started at his work he has changed. He stopped calling me from work and started working later than usual. About 6 years ago he became the boss at his work so he no longer has to go out on the road to do furniture deliveries, however since this girl started he is doing deliveries with her everyday. He would come home unable to walk and hurting so bad and that would lead me to ask why he is killing himself out on the road with her he would then blow up saying he doesn't have to answer to me and that I was jealous of her. I then found that she was the most frequent caller on his cell phone but he played that off with they have to communicate at work and that it was no big deal. Then I went into my phone records and it showed that he was calling her on his days off while I was at work. When I asked about this another blow up happened and it always came back to me that it was me checking up on him and he has to live under a microscope and that I have issues and need help. Well the other night is when he exploded because he came home at work and told me that he had been giving her rides home her car broke down. He then went on to say hat he was bringing her to the house and he was going to fix her car. That is when I started crying and I asked him why she is so special. See since she started there he has became more and more distant with me when in bed he would sleep with his back towards me and as far over as he could get. He would talk to me with such anger he would come home miserable and told me for months that he doesn't want to come home anymore. I would then beg him to talk to me to work this out and he wouldn't talk to me all he would say was that I as nagging him and if I continued he would leave and it would be over. so me being scared and not wanting my marriage to end would leave him alone but then 3 days later I would try to seek the answers again and this went in a viscious circle for months until the other night when all hell broke loose. I don't want my marriage to end but I don't know..... All I know is that I got the pfa on him when he threw everything at me and screamed he hates me and he wants to kill me. So now there is no contact at all I don't know where he is I have 4 kids here ages 10, 7, 5, and 4 which the 10 year old isn't his. He has taken the money from the bank and closed the account. For someone that has hurt me so bad I still love him why I don't know/ I feel like someone has ripped my heart out cant stop crying and falling apart.....


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Are you a SAHM? I'm guessing yes. Pretty sure he's cheating. You can probably take him to the cleaners via divorce.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Are you a SAHM? I'm guessing yes. Pretty sure he's cheating. You can probably take him to the cleaners via divorce.


Proving that he cheated will not earn her one extra dollar in the divorce, if that's what you meant.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Ut-oh.

Your last post paints a rather clear picture of your situation. He has become very enamored with this new employee at work and is almost certainly cheating on you. He may very well be with her now. He is preparing his exit and you need to be ready as well. You must pull yourself together and be strong for your children. This is a difficult situation but you need to be their rock in this. I wish you good fortune.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Cobalt said:


> Proving that he cheated will not earn her one extra dollar in the divorce, if that's what you meant.


No, but being a SAHM plus the H making threats against her that are documented will.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

He treats you poorly as you are standing between him and his new toy. He is on a new relationship high. It's like a drug and he does not see properly. He just wants his drug. 

I do believe he's cheating. Get an STD test from your doctor. Maybe the shock of this will wake him up. Expose to your and his family and friends before he paints you as the crazy one. They can add pressure on him and support you too. If you want to stop the affair and get him back and start reconciliation there are things you can try. But he needs to break this affair. Quit his job and go No Contact with this Other Woman.

Reconciliation will not work with her still in the picture.

His behavior is unacceptable.

Perhaps ask a mod to move this to the Coping With Infidelity section.


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## Age (Jan 11, 2015)

Do you have any family that you can turn to to help you in your time of need? Take the children there but don't give up your home. Go get a job asap if you don't have one cause you will need to be the provider to your children. Also go get legal advice especially about child support. You have children you don't have time to fall apart you need to be strong for them. That sucks your husband said he hates you and it seemed like he was holding it in for a long time what a jerk he should have talked to you about his problems as soon as he had them. You said he threw stuff at you then he got violent go to get help at a women's shelter including legal advice but don't leave your kids. After you have a more stable financial/home situation get some therapy your children will probably need some too just to help them cope with the sudden change. Definitely don't stay with someone that hates you. If he was supporting you then you get legal rights too. I heard some women that are codependent on their husbands that need to get a divorce asap end up selling stuff to make money to get them started with their new lives. If you can't afford the mortgage on your home maybe a family member can move in and help or you can try to apply for government housing. You can take care of your self you just don't know it yet. Have more faith in your self you are a strong woman.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

You are very astute, you're right to worry. This woman has weaved her sticky web and it sounds like your poor hubby's fallen straight into the firing line. He'll no doubt wake up like a bear with a sore head and wonder, what the? Whether that will take days, weeks, years, it will happen. Such women are very good at putting on a show, they are also quite dumb when it comes to maintaining the facade. It is the most awful time for you, I know, stay strong and put yourself first. Hugs xxx


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Contact your husband's employer and tell them of your suspicions. You might seem ridiculous to others, but to management they will feel fear of sexual harassment charges against them if this woman and your husband's relationship will go sour. You have nothing to lose as he is now abusing you.

Seek out co-workers in your husband's workplace. Your husband is doing deliveries with her when he is not suppose to. He is neglecting his management position, and going missing in action in his workplace to be with her. Other workers will feel anger towards favoritism in the workplace. They will want to get back to an unfair boss and the favorite staffer. They will want to see her gone. You can get information from them. 

Put pressure in this relationship as you have children to fight for. Do not cry, threw a tantrum, or lose your nerve. Do not let your husband know what you are about to do.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

His actions indicate he resents you, the marriage, and his life. The reason is most likely this other woman. Whether you want to save your marriage or leave it, institute the 180 now: https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ 

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know you are under a tremendous amount of heartache and stress. Know this...IT WILL BE ALRIGHT. Things can and do get better with a little time. Try not to get overwhelmed all at once. Easier said than done but you have to try to focus on the kids and yourself now. One step at a time.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Roselyn said:


> Contact your husband's employer and tell them of your suspicions. You might seem ridiculous to others, but to management they will feel fear of sexual harassment charges against them if this woman and your husband's relationship will go sour. You have nothing to lose as he is now abusing you.
> 
> Seek out co-workers in your husband's workplace. Your husband is doing deliveries with her when he is not suppose to. He is neglecting his management position, and going missing in action in his workplace to be with her. Other workers will feel anger towards favoritism in the workplace. They will want to get back to an unfair boss and the favorite staffer. They will want to see her gone. You can get information from them.
> 
> Put pressure in this relationship as you have children to fight for. Do not cry, threw a tantrum, or lose your nerve. Do not let your husband know what you are about to do.


I advise caution on this scenerio. It depends what you want OP. Do you want to stay with him. If so, this seems like a last resort option. You need him to provide for your kids, this path will most certainly get him fired. Would that make it better or worse for you? I would think worse. He has declared his feelings towards you, you deserve better. He still needs to be able to provide for your children though.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Like I said 'a bear with a sore head', a very grumpy bear. There are no winners but on a day like this 'V' for victory. Stay Calm xxx


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## TryingTilda (Apr 21, 2014)

I am really sorry for your pain. This has never happened to me, but I can't imagine what I would do. You've gotten a lot of good advice, I don't want to repeat any of it so my 2 cents would be, keep in the back of your mind that you might not want him back after all.

I would also document things on paper. Saying he wanted to kill you scares me. Is he immature?

Keep writing here for support.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Stay strong and focus on yourself, the best thing I ever did was to join a gym, a good place to get away from lives troubles. Being a little selfish in this situation is wholly acceptable, All the Very Best xxx


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