# One year later



## devastated3343 (May 16, 2012)

It's been about a year. Our wedding anniversary just passed, and in a just a week or so it'll be a year since the big fight where she told me it was over.

I've been hanging around these boards, trying to contribute to other people's threads and take solace in the experiences of others, both those who are where I was months ago, and those who are far ahead of me in their journey.

I thought I'd write, mostly for my own edification, and record how I'm feeling now - one year later.

My wife, or my STBXW, fight almost constantly now. We speak politely when she or I are dropping the kids off or when we have something about the kids we need to discuss, but then there will be a text or a phone call or an email and it starts a battle. But I digress.

We're living apart, we share custody of the kids, I have them 4 nights and Saturdays each week. They're young, but they're doing pretty well. She started seeing someone almost right after we split, and when that ended someone in our neighborhood left his wife and kids and they've been dating ever since. 

We fight about all kinds of things, but mostly (I feel) she wants to treat me like we're still married, in that she can ask me for help whenever she needs it, and I'll drop what I'm doing and help. She wants to borrow money, ostensibly so she can go out on the nights she doesn't have the kids, or pay a babysitter so she can go out when she does have them. She wants to go away for a weekend with her new boyfriend and wants me to watch the kids for a couple extra days. She's tired or depressed and wants me to watch the kids for an extra night or two.

Most of this is pretty routine, but recently as I was tucking my D6 into bed she told me that her Mom's friend brings a movie over and sometimes he gets too tired so he sleeps over. Turns out he had too much to drink and didn't want to drive home so he just stayed the night. Months ago, when I found out that STBXW was having her boyfriend over after the kids went to bed we exchanged a number of texts and calls and emails where I expressed my concern about her having new people around the kids, and why I thought it was a bad idea, and could we work out a custody arrangement where that didn't happen. She eventually agreed, saying if our positions were reversed she'd want me to respect her opinion.

But alas, it didn't last, and she's doing it anyway. There's nothing I can do, of course, she's not breaking any laws or contractual agreement, but I resolved that I wasn't going to be a person who constantly dropped what he was doing, and expending what little energy I have left, if she couldn't respect my values and the things we agreed upon. I can appreciate wanting to spend time with your new partner, but she should be able to keep her private life separate from the kids, and she shouldn't need me to keep making it possible or to pick up after her when she overextends herself.

But, when I try to set firm boundaries she accuses me of being condescending or rude, that I lack basic respect and can't separate my personal feelings from my obligations as a parent, and suggests that I'm causing discord between us and that ultimately is more damaging to the kids than the separation.

I, obviously, don't agree, but that's the tenor of our arguments lately. It happens almost weekly now, where she'll want or need to change plans and need me to accommodate, or will make plans or playdates for the kids during the time they'd be with me. 

We haven't been back to the mediator in quite a while, we have a bill with him we have to settle before we can see him again and I hope to be able to resolve that this week. I just want to know exactly what my responsibilities are and then I don't want her to ask me for anything else. Just leave me alone. Be a good parent when the kids are with you, I'll do my very best for them, and for the rest of it, just leave me the **** alone. Find someone else to help you. Ask your parents, or your friends or your neighbors, leave me alone. I'm not your husband, I'm not your buddy, I'm not your boyfriend, I don't ask you for anything, I don't owe you a favor, so leave me alone. 

The other issues are money. She said from the beginning she didn't want me to pay child support, but now it's months later and when we argue she's sure to remind me I 'haven't paid one cent in child support'. At this point we share custody, but my D6 had a hard time with the separation and we agreed to bring her along slowly, spending one night with me a week and moving up to two, etc, until now when I would argue we have them both roughly the same amount of time. 

For a number of complicated reasons I won't get in to here she makes quite a bit more a year than I do, but doesn't work. So she's a stay at home mom but makes about $20K more a year than I do with a full time job. This past year has shown me I don't make quite enough to maintain a 3 bedroom townhome and have the kids half the time on just my salary. I talked to her about splitting some of the benefits she gets for the kids but she won't consider it. I can't afford a lawyer, and I'm very afraid that if it turned into a drawn out legal battle she'd just win custody outright and then I'll be broke and not even share custody of the kids.

I think, bold as it may seem, that I'm a great dad. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, I get them to bed on time and teeth brushed, and out the door to school every day they're with me. I cook and clean, they have beautiful rooms of their own, I read to them at night and do their homework with them, attend parent teach conferences and dr's appointments, and the rest of the time we just play, and tickle, and wrestle and do puzzles and go to the park or go to museums or birthday parties. I adore them, and they seem to really enjoy being with me. My S3 asks to come over here on nights he's with his mom. I never yell, I'd cut my arm off before I ever spanked them, we have simple, healthy rules like eating at the table at dinner time, I'm doing the best I can, and I think I'm doing pretty well. 

I tried having a relationship for a little while, it wasn't right for me at the time. It wasn't a match, and I didn't have the emotional energy to be a part of a full-time, all-in relationship, which is what she wanted and had every right to expect. But it goes without saying that person was never around the kids and never in the house when they were. 

When my STBXW and I first split I couldn't sleep at night, couldn't function during the day, would cry in the car after dropping the kids off, and spent endless hours having internal arguments with her about how unfair it all was. I don't do that any more, but on a day like today when we have a big blow-up I'll keep the argument going in my head and stay worked up for the day. I don't want to, but I can't seem to get past it. That's one reason I'm writing this today, just to dump my thoughts out. 

I don't want her back. It took a long time to believe that, but I don't. And not just because too much has happened this year, but because we weren't going to be happy. I can so easily remember the amazing things about her, and the happy times, but there was a version of her at her best, and then the version I got the rest of the time. The one that went to bed at 7:30 every night with the kids and didn't get up, who never wanted to go out, and when we did go out talked about the kids the whole time and wanted to race home after an hour or two. The sweat pants and hair pulled back; having sex once every month or two; the constant, never-ending list of things she needed me to do and somehow couldn't do herself, and the staggering lack of gratitude or even acknowledgement of what I was doing. 

An actual conversation we had over and over:
"I just need more help from you"
"What about all of this that I did this week, I did x, and y, and z, and the laundry and the dishes and the groceries and the shopping and I've hardly seen you."
"Well I expect you to do those things. I'm too tired"

But I miss her. She was my best friend, the mother of my beautiful children. The first really long-term serious relationship of my life. I'm 34 and we met when I was 23. She's the only person I've really known inside and out. I miss her when I see something funny on TV or I hear about something fun that couples can do in town and I can't share it with her. I miss having someone to come home to, even if she didn't seem to really care when I came home, especially those last couple of years. It wasn't a good marriage, but it still bothers me that she thinks I was the problem and is happy I'm gone. I gave a decade of my life to her, and when we met she was so depressed she couldn't function, had no friends, no money, was getting drunk every night and wasn't talking to most of her family. Now she's happy and healthy, and with someone else. And yeah, I resent it. I resent the new clothes and the makeup, and the way she subtly mentions some of the fun places she goes now - the clubs for live music or comedy. The way she's hitting the gym now, and has to mention it all the time. The way the old nursing bras are gone now and she's wearing new strapless bras now. Where was any of that for me? Where was that vigor and vitality? Why did I get so much less than your best and once I was gone you blossomed like a butterfly? But when you have a bad day you need me to drop what I'm doing and help you out?

I honestly don't know if I'm not able to separate my personal feelings from my rational mind. I don't know if I'm choosing battles because I'm hurt and angry or if I'm justified in how I feel and what I object to. I don't know how to act, but every time it feels like I'm being taken advantage of I react strongly and it leads to a fight. It honestly feels like she's making bad, or selfish, decisions. She's letting her boyfriends be around the kids because she wants to spend more time with them and thinks there won't be an issue. The harder choice might be to wait a day and spend time together then. Why is that so hard? 

I know this is long, it's mostly for my own reasons. I need to get it out of my head and written down, slow my thoughts down enough to type and feel purged. 

I'm broke all the time and I can't seem to get started on any of my own goals. I thought about pursuing hobbies, but I can barely spare the gas to get there even if they were free. I haven't done a good job motivating myself to improve, and I have to be better at that. There's so little time, and I'm so tired. I basically have Saturday night and Sunday, and Wednesday evening to myself, and Saturday night I'm beat after a long week of work and having the kids, and then being up first thing that morning with them. There's not much of a break. And more and more my STBXW will take a nap with my S3 during the day, and then drop him off to me after work. Once he's slept during the day he's up until 10 or 11 at night, so I'm fighting to stay awake and he can't fall asleep. It seems like everything she does makes my life harder, and I've done nothing but accommodate her. 

I don't know what to do. This person I was so in love with, even after we split, is like a stranger to me. And this stranger is ****ing with my world. It's a constant battle. 

For anyone who's read this, please forgive the long self-pitying diatribe. It's been a hard day. If anyone comes along that's in this situation or has been through it I hope my telling my tale helps them understand their situation a little bit. I'm going to try to keep updating, just as a journal for my thoughts. I hope one day I can look back on this and be amazed that it was ever so dark.

Best of luck to all of you.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

devastated3343 said:


> I'm doing the best I can, and I think I'm doing pretty well.


:iagree:


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

You sound extremely depressed...you need to get help with that immediately. You didn't mention counseling in there at all...you need a doctor and maybe some meds...you need a jump start on a new life. 
You need to detatch... you've read about the 180 yes? DO IT. 

Stop being at her beck and call...if you willingly are then you have no one else to blame for your outcome but yourself. Knock it off. 
You enable the crappy way she treats you and uses you. 

You need to find out about an affordable atty. or judicare...a legal source out there for those who cant afford one... you need to make some calls...motivate... get on the phone...figure it out. Get referrals. 

Your full of 'I can'ts'... knock it off. It's been a year out...you should be way farther off and healtheir than this.. again..you have enabled her to put you or rather keep you where you are. 

You say your doing the best you can...I think you can do better. I mean father wise your excellent...yes...but your stbxw is all over you still...and i'm glad your acknowledging that. Again you need to learn the 180 and implement that in your life HARD and right away.. 

I bet if you start that hard core you will find more engery within yourself and more gusto for the other things you need to do...and get done to move on....you need some motivation my friend...and an atty. 
Stop giving that woman money...for craps sake...she makes more? She should be giving it to you...to help with the kids for as much as you take care of them...
Seek that atty... you need to 'try'...to get this started...

you don't like her new clothes make up etc...she goes out clubbin...etc.. dude she's moved on... 

get a grip...move on yourself...work out...excorsize...change your hair...lose/gain weight... 'be happy'...'be attractive'...'get excited'...

figure...it ...out... you can do this...


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

devastated3343 said:


> I honestly don't know if I'm not able to separate my personal feelings from my rational mind. I don't know if I'm choosing battles because I'm hurt and angry or if I'm justified in how I feel and what I object to. I don't know how to act, but every time it feels like I'm being taken advantage of I react strongly and it leads to a fight. It honestly feels like she's making bad, or selfish, decisions. She's letting her boyfriends be around the kids because she wants to spend more time with them and thinks there won't be an issue. The harder choice might be to wait a day and spend time together then. Why is that so hard?


I got pretty emotional reading this. Your post will no doubt hit home for a lot of guys on the board.

You sound like a kick @ss dad and I can only imagine the emotions you have had to endure with your ex not only dating already but bringing them around the kids.

Your instincts about being taken advantage of are spot on. You are justified. The solution is to set boundaries and enforce.

You need to practice a heavy dose of "I'm not ok with that" in a cool calm voice. When she flips out and pulls out the guilt trip its.."I understand..but I'm still not ok with that"

Conversation over. Period.

Stop battling her. Stop using logic. It's simple but not easy.

Regain control of your life and leave her to wallow and argue in her own misery.

"I'm not ok with it" is your key to sanity at this point.

Good luck Devastated.


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## devastated3343 (May 16, 2012)

Interesting. I remember my STBXW was arguing with someone and that person wanted to make up, and sent a letter laying it out. And X read it and thought 'the whole thing just says 'I' and 'me'.

I didn't realize how much I was saying 'I can't'. 

I've been doing the 180, but I get accused of being rude or a ****. At least, I've been doing the part of the 180 where I treat her like a business associate, but not the part where I use my time to be happy and fulfilled. 

Moon, you're right. It's been a year, it shouldn't be like this. I think sometimes people build artificial benchmarks for themselves, but I hope once we've met with the mediator I'll have a clearer idea of our boundaries, our custodial obligations and our finances. 

I saw a counselor, she was very nice and helped me with some things. at $160 I couldn't continue with her as long as I wanted, but hopefully I can see her again soon.

I really didn't/don't think I'm depressed, but how would I know? That is, I don't feel like I'm sad in any way that isn't explained by my situation. I wouldn't choose to take medication. I saw the shell of a person anti-depressants turned my stbxw into and wouldn't want to live like that.

Alright Stella, thanks for your words. I'll resolve to get back to improving myself, setting better boundaries with X, and start my new life.


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## devastated3343 (May 16, 2012)

coachman said:


> You need to practice a heavy dose of "I'm not ok with that" in a cool calm voice. When she flips out and pulls out the guilt trip its.."I understand..but I'm still not ok with that"


I appreciate that.  I'll start doing it immediately.

This evening has proven enlightening already. It's much easier to comment on other people's problems than it is to see your own. We can be objective about other people's problems without the profound denial we have about our own.


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

No doubt. The best way to learn is to teach...so keep posting.

One more thing about your ex... 

She is making you second guess yourself and manipulating you so she can sit on the fence and eat cake. Of course she wants more money. Of course she wants you to watch the kids so she can go out and be a teenager again. Of course she wants you to take care of her like you are still married. Why wouldn't she? You aren't dealing with a healthy individual...you are dealing with an emotional infant. 

She will manipulate and push boundaries until you prove you are no longer a doormat. Until then, you might as well get "welcome" tattooed on your back.

YOU are allowing this to happen. YOU are responsible for teaching her how to treat you. YOU are the only one that can put a stop to it. SHE is not capable.

I have to deal with the same games and it's a total mindfvck... but _what you allow will continue_.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

devastated3343 said:


> Interesting. I remember my STBXW was arguing with someone and that person wanted to make up, and sent a letter laying it out. And X read it and thought 'the whole thing just says 'I' and 'me'.
> 
> I didn't realize how much I was saying 'I can't'.
> 
> ...



Who cares what your 'accused' of...this is about 'you' now... from now on...make everything about you...and your wonderful kids... put yourself first... 
you deserve so much more than your getting...'see to it'...you start getting it...


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## devastated3343 (May 16, 2012)

I have a meeting coming up with our mediator this week. We have to have at least one last discussion, maybe one last big fight. How it turns out will tell me a lot about how the next few months or even years will have to go.

Our money situation is strange. I'm sure there are other people with complicated financial situations, I understand it's often the most stressful part of D. In our case my STBXW makes (eh, she doesn't 'make' it, but receives it. It's complicated, but saying she 'makes' her money somewhat undervalues how people who work for a living earn their money) quite a bit more than I do. Neither of us bring in much, but her income is about 55K and mine is about 40K annually. And I've learned this past year that I just don't make enough to pay off the half of the debt that I took with me when I moved out, and the car, and my business expenses, and rent + bills, and the kids' needs and food, etc. I borrowed 7K from my father to get through this past winter. I'll tighten my belt and find a way to cut costs, but there's not going to be another 7K next year. I have to become solvent. 

So we'll meet with the mediator, and I'll argue that there are some things that should be split differently, and there are some things we should share. But I'm sure a lot of you know, most people tend to spend as much as they make, or more. So any division of property or income is going to feel like an attack on her, because it means she'll have less. If I push too hard she'll abandon the mediation process all together and then it's lawyers and court and more time and more money. 

I tried to raise this with her a couple of months ago, I didn't want to sandbag her at the mediator's office. She reacted very badly, getting angry, then not talking, then getting drunk with her new dude and calling me in the middle of the night to argue. She said things like 'but I'm the mother of your kids' and 'the laws are supposed to protect women in these cases'.

It's true, the laws (at least here) were drafted with strong influence from women's groups and lobbies and the language reflects that. And I understand why that is. If our positions were reversed and I had a high income job with security, benefits and a pension and I decided one day that my marriage wasn't working for me anymore and I wanted out or wanted to start tapping my secretary and run off, my wife would have every right to demand child support, spousal support, half the assets and half my pension. There shouldn't be a situation where one partner ends the marriage and leaves the other destitute. It's just a principal of fairness, and it also reflects that you made decisions while you were together about which jobs were acceptable, what your long term plan was, what debts could you afford to take on and what was your long term repayment strategy? And of course, can we afford to have kids? We made those decisions together, and now that she doesn't want to be married she wants to keep the house, keep her income, keep her pension, keep the government benefits that we get for the kids, and I can't afford the rent on my house.

So, if the mediator agrees with her that she keeps all the income then I can't afford this little 3 bdrm townhouse. I'd have to get a part time job a night. That would mean I can't keep the kids as much as I do now, and that might crush me. Alternatively, I can move farther away and try to find a similar accommodation farther from town that I can afford, or I can find a small place that doesn't have room for the kids to stay, or at least not to stay for long stretches. 

One way or another the result of these meetings is going to have a significant impact on my future and my ability to be a parent. I really hope we can come to some accommodation, but honestly I'd just like an answer. Watching the money disappear through the winter (the period when my business is at it's low) and knowing I can't survive another one has been incredibly stressful. I'd like to know what's going to happen so I can form a plan of action, start attacking the problem and stop waiting to get slammed.

Besides that it's been quiet. I've been doing the 180. Polite but aloof, she has her life and I have mine. She's away this weekend with her new SO for a Valentines trip out of town, and I've got the kids for the weekend. 

Months ago I would have been up all night wondering why she can be with someone else and why she tries so much harder for her new guy and why doesn't she remember all the ways I loved her and took care of her, and lately I just don't give a ****. I don't know if it was a moment of clarity, and I know the answer is more complicated but I recently thought:

I adore my kids. I'm totally in love with them. I want the very best for them, I want them to be happy and healthy, I want them to have a happy childhood and grow up to be good people, I want them to face challenges and be confident, to have friends and peers, successes and failures, and I want to be with them for as many of those as I can. I want them to know I love them unconditionally and that I'm interested in them and I like them as people. And I can make them laugh and make them smile and I don't have to pretend to be interested in what they have to say. And I would run into a burning building for them. I'd trade my life for theirs without a thought. And I felt all of that for my wife. Whatever our problems were, I never lacked for love for her. And if she doesn't want that from me, if she thinks she can do better, she can knock herself out. I'm not going to spend my time comparing myself to whoever she's with, and I'm not going to keep reliving my failings and re-arguing on my own behalf. 

Really, the only thing that upsets me now is when she lets her SO around the kids. They've only been together five or six months, and I think it's premature. We've talked about it, and she says she agrees, but tonight my daughter tells me he was over yesterday morning with flowers and chocolate and a card. Bringing that stuff to your girlfriend is fine, it's perfectly healthy, it's what you do when you're in a relationship (even one as ****ed up as theirs, where he has to come at a certain time so that his wife - who lives next door - doesn't see him walking up the path to her neighbor's house with candy and roses) just don't have it around my kids. Don't make them ask if mommy has a boyfriend and what that means. They can't know if this relationship is for real yet, it hasn't been tested, it's in it's infancy. So for now, keep it away from the kids. 

Oh, and just a tip to the new guy: nice move bringing flowers and chocolate, and it'll be a good idea to get her something for Easter and her birthday and Christmas, just know going in you're getting nothing back. This one likes to get presents, but the idea of tucking a few bucks aside and going out to a store and thinking of something you'd like and wrapping it and giving it to you may as well be an olympic event, better watched than participated in. Generosity and affection goes one way only in any relationship with my STBXW.

Anyway, I told myself I'd keep writing, so I'm going to try to keep logging my thoughts. I haven't been feeling crappy, so I haven't felt as motivated to write, instead I just lurk on other people's threads, but somehow writing these things down helps me organize my thoughts.


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## devastated3343 (May 16, 2012)

Wow, sleepless night last night. Writing out all those financial issues really dragged them all up, couldn't get them out of my head.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

A lot of what you have written is identical to my situation from her earning more, the age I met her, her being my first/only true love and how she dresses better works out more etc. Mine was on dating sites immediately after dropping the bomb but I know very little about who she has been with but I know my son has not met anyone other guy...yet.

I have not got much advice as I am at a similar point 10 months on. I think I felt I had moved on more at 6 months but seemed to have slid backwards recently. But I do appreciate you writing this - you write well and have put into words what many of us are experiencing.


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## devastated3343 (May 16, 2012)

Mothra777 said:


> A lot of what you have written is identical to my situation from her earning more, the age I met her, her being my first/only true love and how she dresses better works out more etc. Mine was on dating sites immediately after dropping the bomb but I know very little about who she has been with but I know my son has not met anyone other guy...yet.
> 
> I have not got much advice as I am at a similar point 10 months on. I think I felt I had moved on more at 6 months but seemed to have slid backwards recently. But I do appreciate you writing this - you write well and have put into words what many of us are experiencing.


M, I read some of your other posts. How are things now? Have you moved out, have you taken some initiative with your life? Have you been living the 180? It's not an overnight change, but are you starting to feel better?

I was told, I'm not sure if I wrote this, that recovery (this was in the context of someone dying) is often a 12 month process, and can be visualized like the face of a clock. The first three months are heading down from your peak, normal self. The next three are really awful, taking you to the depths of your grief and depression (6 o'clock), the next three months are you getting a hold of your life, but coming from your lowest, darkest place. But then the last three months you don't return to your original position but you fly off over it and build something better.

The ending is a little Hallmark, but that's what they say. What I found interesting about reading your posts was thinking 'why the **** are you dragging yourself through all this when she has clearly checked out. Don't make yourself a person that would accept her version of a relationship.

But, I don't have any emotional connection to this person. I don't know her, I'm not in love with her, I've never had sex with her (I assume). When you're detached, the answers seem easy. I can tell you to move on from your life, build something positive, take a long look at your bad habits and start building good ones. I can tell you this, but I have a hard time doing them myself. There's a lesson there, I think. Something about reason over emotion, and how we let fear rule our decisions.

I've wasted a year, I'm not going to waste another one. I wish I had kept working on the guitar, I wish I had continued to eat well and exercise consistently instead of on and off. If I had, where would I be now, a year later? But the past is prologue. I'm not going to waste another year. 

I'm worried about finding that special someone to share my life with, but I have to believe that if I'm the best person I can be, and continue to work hard at the positive parts of my life, some good will come of it.


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## devastated3343 (May 16, 2012)

Stressful day. We had our meeting with the mediator, it was long and I only have some of the answers I was looking for. For the most part we covered assets and debts, and having to lay them all out like that is humbling. We were living beyond our means for a long time, and now we have two households and certainly no additional money. It's tight for both of us, though likely tighter for me as the lower wage-earner.

But the short of it is our debts significantly outweigh our small assets, and we're dividing debt. There won't be any money changing hands, mostly we're just dividing who will pay for debt and we had basically already done that. She seemed to concede that we were sharing custody, so there won't be any child support payments going back and forth but there won't be any income equalization or support either.

What this really means is I'm on my own, there's no rescue coming. And that's not necessarily bad. Some changes need to be made, and the waiting was keeping me from making them. I have to move to a smaller place. I have to reduce my expenses. I have to write to my landlord and give them notice, I have to find maybe a small apartment that I can still have the kids in (though they may have to share a room for a while) and I think I have to get a second job. I'd like to keep my current job if I can, but I'll need to supplement my income. The alternative is finding a full time job that pays enough that I don't absorb too much of a hit, but it's a recession and doors aren't exactly flying open.

So, for now, a smaller place, a second job, hopefully I can pound down my debts enough to improve my situation. Unfortunately, a second job might mean seeing my kids less, I don't know what the result will be to the custody arrangement, but I don't know that I can work my day job, work 2 or 3 nights at a second job, have the kids 3 or 4 nights and not grind myself to death.

I'm trying not to think about the fact that I'm going to have to work two jobs and live in a ****ty apartment to be able to see my kids less than half the time while my wife will never have to work again, keeps the house and the kids and spends her nights getting split open by some other dude. I'm trying not to think about it, trying to build a better life for myself, but for the foreseeable future it's going to be work, time with the kids, and sleep when I can. Divorce sucks.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mothra777 said:


> A lot of what you have written is identical to my situation from her earning more, the age I met her, her being my first/only true love and how she dresses better works out more etc. Mine was on dating sites immediately after dropping the bomb but I know very little about who she has been with but I know my son has not met anyone other guy...yet.
> 
> I have not got much advice as I am at a similar point 10 months on. I think I felt I had moved on more at 6 months but seemed to have slid backwards recently. But I do appreciate you writing this - you write well and have put into words what many of us are experiencing.


Does she still want to talk regularly?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Brother,

To start re-claiming your manhood, you have to quit babysitting while she hangs from the chandeliers with someone else.

Have some respect for yourself.

It's killing you.





devastated3343 said:


> It's been about a year. Our wedding anniversary just passed, and in a just a week or so it'll be a year since the big fight where she told me it was over.
> 
> I've been hanging around these boards, trying to contribute to other people's threads and take solace in the experiences of others, both those who are where I was months ago, and those who are far ahead of me in their journey.
> 
> ...


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## mad6r (Dec 31, 2012)

Devestated, you are my hero! 
The things you do for your children will show them how strong a man and a father you are. Keep doing them as long as you can. I too have my boys to live for and I have to say I can barely do half the things you do with yours. You are my inspiration to be a better father to them. Keep doing what your doing and they will remember you for that as they grow older.
I will pray for you and your children. Keep your head up, you're doing a great job.


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## devastated3343 (May 16, 2012)

mad6r said:


> Devestated, you are my hero!
> The things you do for your children will show them how strong a man and a father you are. Keep doing them as long as you can. I too have my boys to live for and I have to say I can barely do half the things you do with yours. You are my inspiration to be a better father to them. Keep doing what your doing and they will remember you for that as they grow older.
> I will pray for you and your children. Keep your head up, you're doing a great job.


Wow, what a nice thing to hear. Thanks for your words. I don't know that I'm fit to be anyone's inspiration, but but I'm doing my best. 

I wonder sometimes if I really miss my ex, or if I just resent having everything I counted on change so dramatically. My life is now harder than it was. Not necessarily worse, but harder. I don't always appreciate now that I live alone I'm not constantly being bombarded with someone else's needs. I like taking care of someone, I like having someone in my life, and it makes me feel good to meet their needs, but I have some needs too and they weren't being met at all. 

I was married to someone I was very much in love with, and I was very lonely. Anyway, I have to write to my landlord. Not looking forward to that. 

Re: Conrad 
I think I've taken good steps in this direction. We have a schedule with the kids that I think is equitable. She's going to keep asking for more, she's going to keep wanting help, because that's who she is. It's my job to not put her needs first, and I think I'm doing better at that. 

Thanks for the feedback everyone.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read all your posts. Interesting to see a year long perspective. Pretty clear that you did not divide financial and custodial responsibilities fairly. The fact that she does not work due to clinical depression did not stop her from living a new life as single woman on the make.

Your ex did not just fail to try hard in your relationship. She was dishonest about her disability. She certainly sounds capable of working. She has enough energy to drink wine and have sexual intercourse. Sounds almost like fraud. Do you have any contact with her former colleagues?

Once your wife gamed the system and had a lot of free time on her hands, she began dreaming of new excitement. That was when she disengaged from your relationship. But you ignored the gravity of thinking it was a stage. If she had gone back to work, then you would have shared real life together.

Fast forward. After you split up she continued to eat into your time, regularly. She also kept you economically anxious. In short, she is controlling and very inconsiderate of you. She is sabotaging your life even though she does not want to be part of it. Or rather she wants to be there putting in enough energy to fvck you up. Keeping you in this state of mind is one of the reasons you do not hook up with other women.

The fact that you do not have other women increase your wife's contempt for you and she baits you as sport. This relationship is not healthy for you. If you got your shı† together – easier said than done – you'd reduce your expenses and be in kick ass physical condition.

Getting a second job would be very foolish. It would just increase your martyrdom. You'd have less time and energy to ever form a new relationship. Your wife would still call on you to babysit. 

If you cut out unnecessary expenses, fastfood, cable TV, you can keep you current place. If not, there is no reason your kids can't share a bedroom in a smaller place.

There is no reason you cannot introduce your kids to girlfriend and have her stay over night and eat breakfast with your kids. They'll only be happy that you're not alone.

You take your ex way too seriously. She is a cruel bı†ch even if she is a nice person whom everybody likes. She seems dishonest to say the least. You need to give her a new nickname so that you can distance yourself. Everytime she bulls bs on you, think of her_*ex miss entitled c*nt or Emec*_.

When you need to say "no" say "no" to Emec. When she opens her mouth and makes demands, say to yourself "Oops, Emec's back in town."

Once a month when is really misbehaving, say Emec to her instead of her name. She probably won't notice. But if she does just brush it off.

In short you need to have sense of humor to survive.

What do you do for a living? How do you colleagues treat you? Does anyone ask you to go out for a beer or anything?


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Like you said Devastated, its much easier to be objective if you are disconnected, but unfortunately you aren't. Your scenario has many similarities to mine, but I'm out a few months longer than you.

I have good days and I have bad days. Good I notice happens when business picks up, I close a deal, and my mind is focused on something else. Bad is when I have to deal with her and we can't resolve an issue. She went away for two weeks just recently so I had to watch the kids. With her no where around, it felt so light and easy. When she came back it felt heavy and it wasn't even a few hours before we found something to argue about. This makes me realize that the best thing really is to detach. Easier said though than done.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Alpha said:


> Like you said Devastated, its much easier to be objective if you are disconnected, but unfortunately you aren't. Your scenario has many similarities to mine, but I'm out a few months longer than you.
> 
> I have good days and I have bad days. Good I notice happens when business picks up, I close a deal, and my mind is focused on something else. Bad is when I have to deal with her and we can't resolve an issue. She went away for two weeks just recently so I had to watch the kids. With her no where around, it felt so light and easy. *When she came back it felt heavy and it wasn't even a few hours before we found something to argue about. This makes me realize that the best thing really is to detach.* Easier said though than done.


This is a key observation, Alpha. D's problems came about because he became a beta appendage of his wife. He should have stopped the nursing without any discussion, given her some rough sex to tune her brain into their marriage. Alas, hindsight is 20/20.

At a biological level the ex who hassles and oppresses makes perfect sense. They want to keep the exH off balance so that he does not form a new relationship and have children with another woman. That would reduce the total resources available to take care of hers.

The fact that D doesn't have the economic and emotional strength to date means that the ex is playing everything perfectly from her perspective.

A new woman would end certain things instantly. Calling up D to take the kids so that she is free to let some guy lays pipe, would not be in the cards if he had a girlfriend. Or at the very least she would be sending kids over to be with stepmom.

Alpha, to date again you have to be in the right mindset. Detachment from ex wife is necessary to be dating material. No new woman wants to give pvssy to a guy who completely under the thumb of his ex. Very unattractive.


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