# My desire is gone..



## Kelly51280 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hello, I hope you are all having a great day so far.

My name is, Kelly.. I'm new to this website and I feel blessed to have found it.

I am in need of advice, badly. I have been married 9 years and we have one son, who is four. We had a son in 2003 and lost him when he was a month old, which was very tramatic for us. After having our second son, who is healthy, my husband and I talked about having a vasectomy and decided to schedule the procedure. We thought it would be best for us because we didn't want to press our "luck". We had a healthy son and that's what we wanted. The problem is, I changed my mind BEFORE his surgery. I knew we were making a mistake, but nothing I said convinced him to not go through it. I feel hurt, betrayed, and used. I have been spilling my heart out to him for the past 3 years and it hasn't helped. At all. My resentment towards him is ruining our marriage. Sex, well lets just say that I'm not interested. After all, he changed my life and my sons life against my wishes. 

Please, someone advice me if my feelings are normal. I can't live like this anymore.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Please expand a bit on why you feel "hurt betrayed and used." What is it about his actions (both the vasectomy and others) that makes you feel this way? 

Also, it seems like his wishes are not to have another child. What are your thoughts about that?

I think having a bit more of this information would help the advice you might get.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Kelly51280 said:


> Hello, I hope you are all having a great day so far.
> 
> My name is, Kelly.. I'm new to this website and I feel blessed to have found it.
> 
> ...


sounds like you guys agreed and then YOU changed your mind .

so your wishes are more important than his.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Kelly ~

Yes, I would say your feelings sound normal. It would be a normal reaction to feel somewhat betrayed by your spouse if they purposefully went and did something against your wishes. Note that he could likewise feel somewhat betrayed if you changed your mind at the last minute and weren't supportive. It's definitely a two-way street there.

This is a tough one, though. Because going out and sterilizing yourself is usually a very big issue that is fraught with a lot of emotion in people ... and the fact you have lost a child (I'm VERY sorry for that) may make it that much more poignant.

But, you do control and have a choice as to whether you let it sit inside of you and fester around ... building up resentment day by day.

Did you and your H go through any kind of grief counseling after you lost your child?

Do you feel that your husband is over that loss? Are you?

Do you try and talk with your husband about how you feel? If so, how does he respond?

Has he ever tried to talk with you about how he feels?

If there's been very little conversation together about how you both feel about the loss (the loss of a baby and now the loss of any potential babies and the lose of cohesion/support for both of you in your marriage), then maybe trying to start the ball rolling on those types of conversations would be helpful.

You might want to consider whether seeing someone (e.g., a therapist) together could help you especially if you both have a history of holding things in and not communicating. Or if your husband adamently refuses, then going to a few sessions yourself to be able to work through your feelings on what is a very sensistive issue.

Best wishes!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

chillymorn said:


> sounds like you guys agreed and then YOU changed your mind .
> 
> so your wishes are more important than his.


They agreed, and then before the surgery, she changed her mind... If anything he should have agreed to hold off on the surgery for a little bit to discuss it in more detail. If I had doubts about my H up until we were sitting in the waiting room, he would get up and walk out in an effort to help me sort out my feelings about this kind of procedure.

Kelly - Are you wanting another child?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Normal feelings yes, in that you have a valid reason to be resentful... but it's not healthy at all (as I'm sure you'd agree). One of the ladies on this forum posted this quote and I thought it was amazing:

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” -- Malachy McCourt

You need to let go of that resentment, else it will just eat you up. The best way is to talk about it to someone, perhaps a counselor, religious figurehead, relative, etc... but talk to someone about it.

One option you still have open to you is artificial insemination, and in some cases vasectomy can be reversed. Have you discussed those options with your husband?


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## Kelly51280 (Apr 13, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Please expand a bit on why you feel "hurt betrayed and used." What is it about his actions (both the vasectomy and others) that makes you feel this way?
> 
> Also, it seems like his wishes are not to have another child. What are your thoughts about that?
> 
> I think having a bit more of this information would help the advice you might get.


Okay, I'll gladly give you more details. 

We both talked about what we wanted in life.. His wishes were to buy hunting property, have a son, and live on a small ranch with a pond, so he could fish daily. He has it all, plus more.

Mine on the other hand were few. I always wanted a big family and to live in a big house, (Nothing fancy) that I didn't feel cramped in.

I know that WE decided for him to have the vasectomy, but, it was very soon after the birth of our second son, so a lot of it was hormonal. I realized we were making the decision too soon and knew that we needed more time to think things through. This is why, because I KNEW I wanted another child. The fact that he did it knowing I didn't want him to hurts me. I feel like if our son was a girl, he wouldn't have went through with it, that's were the used feelings come from. I wouldn't take him to his appt so he had his grandmother take him. Having a another baby means a lot to me and my son.. He's always asking about having a brother or sister because he is around his cousins and friends who have siblings. 

Then there is the house.. We live deep into our city where we don't have neighbors. If he is so strong headed about having another child, I wanted to move into the city where our son can have neighborhood friends. He is lonely and I feel like a failure. 


I feel like our marriage is one sided. He has the final word and that's it. He said he doesn't want to have another child because HE wants to retire early, but, it didn't bother him to spend a ton of money for property. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Shouldn't he have listened to me, when I asked him to wait? 

Bottom Line - I want a bigger house in civilization, and another child and can't have either.

He made sure he got EVERYTHING he wanted.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond. I sincerely appreciate it!


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## Kelly51280 (Apr 13, 2012)

Cherry said:


> They agreed, and then before the surgery, she changed her mind... If anything he should have agreed to hold off on the surgery for a little bit to discuss it in more detail. If I had doubts about my H up until we were sitting in the waiting room, he would get up and walk out in an effort to help me sort out my feelings about this kind of procedure.
> 
> Kelly - Are you wanting another child?


Yes, VERY much so.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Thanks for answering my questions. I do have a couple of more. 

It sounds like you discussed your differing views of family size and life at some point. What resolution had you reached at that time? Also, is living in the city something you mentioned earlier, or is that mainly a product of only having one child?

Also, what is the difference between listening and agreeing? Is it possible that he did listen, but did not agree? Would that make a difference?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Just curious if you've considered artificial insemination, adoption, and/or surgery to correct the vasectomy? (I asked earlier but either I missed the answer or it wasn't)

I understand where you are coming from Kelly, it's hard when one of the things you want most out of a marriage isn't coming to pass. It really hurts deep down inside.


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## Kelly51280 (Apr 13, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Hi Kelly ~
> 
> Yes, I would say your feelings sound normal. It would be a normal reaction to feel somewhat betrayed by your spouse if they purposefully went and did something against your wishes. Note that he could likewise feel somewhat betrayed if you changed your mind at the last minute and weren't supportive. It's definitely a two-way street there.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for responding. 

We lost our son in 2003. My husband and I went through a VERY rough time dealing with our loss, but We made it, barely. We were blessed with our second son in 2008 and he is Healthy, Thank God!

I have poured my heart out to him about my feelings and why I want another child. I told him that my feelings of resentment are starting and I don't want to feel this way, but I do. The thing is, IF he could give me reasons other than, "I want to retire early" or "we can do more now" I wouldn't feel so mad. But those are the reasons he gives me! It's about money with him.

I feel like I'm missing out, like there is a BIG piece missing. As my husband, he should want to make me happy. He has everything he wants (these words came from him) and I don't. Having another baby is in my heart and on my mind all the time and it's eating away at my soul. 

Please, I feel so lost.


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## Kelly51280 (Apr 13, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> Just curious if you've considered artificial insemination, adoption, and/or surgery to correct the vasectomy? (I asked earlier but either I missed the answer or it wasn't)
> 
> I understand where you are coming from Kelly, it's hard when one of the things you want most out of a marriage isn't coming to pass. It really hurts deep down inside.


I'm so sorry, I didn't answer. I asked him about all of the above and he made it very clear that he didn't want to adopt or do the reversal. I don't understand! He isn't open to anything. At all!

Thanks so much for understanding. It's extremely hard and the pain it's causing is unbearable at times. My heart aches for a baby and he doesn't care enough to give me another baby.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Your husband is definitely giving selfish answers back. Does your husband love spending time with his son?

Ok I'm going to project and rant here a bit. So feel free to skip if you want, but I'm on your side Kelly so indulge me. Perhaps some of what I will say will be of use talking to your husband.

We have 4 kids (2 girls, 2 boys), and that's a number we both feel is right for us. The child that had the greatest impact in our lives was our first, by FAR. Once we had our first child, our lives changed from a couple who could stay out at night or do w/e we wanted outside of work to responsible parents.

Yes each additional child has been more effort, but it's also brought us so much more joy too. To be honest the amount of additional work dropped off with each child. Two children was just a bit harder than one, three not much more, and by four... meh really didn't feel a difference.

So yes our retirement maybe pushed back another 7 years because that's the difference in ages between our oldest and our youngest... heck maybe our retirement has been pushed back 10-15 years. Still I'd rather work for another 10-15 years and enjoy my children and any possible grandchildren.

Now getting back to your husband, yes he has to be on board with having more children. Still though, doesn't he love the time he spends with his son? Assuming he does, why wouldn't he think that he would enjoy more children, especially since it's breaking your heart to not even try?

Do material things really bring him that much joy? Because in the end that's what he's saying. I'd rather have more toys and work less than bring another joy into the world.

Ok sorry I'll get off my rant now. Kelly I really hope you can change his heart. You two should go to counseling about this.


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## Kelly51280 (Apr 13, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Thanks for answering my questions. I do have a couple of more.
> 
> It sounds like you discussed your differing views of family size and life at some point. What resolution had you reached at that time? Also, is living in the city something you mentioned earlier, or is that mainly a product of only having one child?
> 
> Also, what is the difference between listening and agreeing? Is it possible that he did listen, but did not agree? Would that make a difference?


We both agreed on having two kids.. We DID have two kids, but, one passed away. So, we should have a third, right? That's the way I see it, but, not him. Obviously. I have to pay the penalty for our son passing, TWICE. My reasoning for wanting to live in the city is because I want my son to have neighborhood friends and I want a bigger house. I feel like I deserve to get some things I've dreamed of... Right?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Kelly51280 said:


> We both agreed on having two kids.. We DID have two kids, but, one passed away. So, we should have a third, right? That's the way I see it, but, not him. Obviously. I have to pay the penalty for our son passing, TWICE. My reasoning for wanting to live in the city is because I want my son to have neighborhood friends and I want a bigger house. I feel like I deserve to get some things I've dreamed of... Right?


I just wanted to say I'm so very sorry for how you must feel Kelly. I really can only imagine how difficult this must be on you. I wish I could say something to comfort you. 

Long story short, my H and I can't have anymore kids, well I can't, so my H got a V. I still have a longing at times for another child, and it can be strong. 

I hope you can find peace and happiness one day.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Kelly51280 said:


> After having our second son...........We thought it would be best for us because we didn't want to press our "luck"


You mentioned that this decision was 'hormonal' (Which I assume is you ) but what was his role it that decision? How hard did he take the loss of the first son? Did he share in the fear that another pregnancy would be risking a similar loss?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Kelly51280 said:


> We both agreed on having two kids.. We DID have two kids, but, one passed away. So, we should have a third, right? That's the way I see it, but, not him. Obviously. I have to pay the penalty for our son passing, TWICE. My reasoning for wanting to live in the city is because I want my son to have neighborhood friends and I want a bigger house. I feel like I deserve to get some things I've dreamed of... Right?


I am very sorry you have to go through this. I am sure it is very difficult and painful. It is clear that on a personal level it is causing a lot of pain for you. I am also sorry you husband has handled this so poorly.

I suspect that your husband is in a lot of pain as well. He too lost a child, and while he has a son, risking the loss of another one may be something he does not want to deal with. While perhaps not fair to you, it is understandable. 

I would caution you that you are assigning alot of blame to him based on what seems like assumptions. You note that the reasons he provides about not having another child are about him retiring, with you equating that to it all being about money. Perhaps it is also about spending time doing things he likes with you and his son. Might it also be to avoid the pain of worrying through another pregnancy? Though you may not agree with them, can you see that these are not necessarily selfish reasons?

You also appear to blaming your husband for paying the penalty twice for losing your child. I think you two (or at least you if he won't go) need counseling to handle and work through this. It was not his fault (or yours) that you lost your child, and to link these two decisions is dangerous, in my opinion.

Finally, are their any circumstances in which you would have accepted his decision to not have another child? For example, if he had held off the vasectomy, discussed it awhile, but held firm that it was too painful to consider, could you have respected that, even if you did not agree with it? What if he agreed to move back to the city?

I do wish you well and hope you find some peace and hope these thoughts and questions help you get there. Right now, your anger at him does you no good. No matter what you do with your marriage, you will need to release that anger.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe your husband would be more likely to add more kids to the family if he felt more secure with you. If he's feeling unloved and frustrated, he's probably doing very well just to convince himself to come home every day. Everybody had expectations coming into marriage and everybody has had surprises and disappointments. I don't imagine life has turned out exactly as your husband has planned, either. It's also possible that he's hesitant to bring in another child after he's lost one. People grieve in different ways and on different time tables.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

As a mother who lost a child I can completely understand your feelings. The grieving journey is such a long and hard road. Mix that with hormones and NO snap decisions should be made. It was my second child that we lost at a few months old. It was sudden and unexpected and after that loss I was so crushed and lost I begged my husband to have a vasectomy. Thank God he did not because two more beautiful children came after.

I didn't read through all the posts so forgive me if I am asking something that has already been answered but would he at all be willing to reverse the vasectomy? Does he know how badly you want another child?

I know you both agreed on it at the time but at the first sign of you being reluctant I think the plans should have been stopped right in their tracks.

No one can even begin to understand the pain that comes with losing a child unless they have been through it and I do not blame you for feeling the way you did at the time. I had the same feelings about "tempting fate" when going for baby #4 but eventually I worked through it and I am not sure I could ever get passed my H not being on the same page.


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## Kelly51280 (Apr 13, 2012)

Mrs.K said:


> As a mother who lost a child I can completely understand your feelings. The grieving journey is such a long and hard road. Mix that with hormones and NO snap decisions should be made. It was my second child that we lost at a few months old. It was sudden and unexpected and after that loss I was so crushed and lost I begged my husband to have a vasectomy. Thank God he did not because two more beautiful children came after.
> 
> I didn't read through all the posts so forgive me if I am asking something that has already been answered but would he at all be willing to reverse the vasectomy? Does he know how badly you want another child?
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry about your loss as well. I know the pain you feel and it's the worse kind ever. ((hugs))

I've asked my H to have a reversal and he is NOT budging. I poured my heart out. Several times and it did no good.That's why I'm here. As time goes on, the resentment is getting stronger and stronger. I know it wasn't easy for him losing our son and the fear of losing another baby will always be there, for the both of us. I don't deny that it was hard for him too. I fear of losing my son now, but, that's what parents have to DEAL with when they lose a child. 

My pregnancy with him was uneventful. Everything was perfect and his death was unexpected. We learned that he had a heart defect that was caused by a medication that I was instructed to continue. They said it was safe.. I was young and I listened to EVERYTHING they said. So, my risk for having another baby with a heart defect is the same as any women. If it was a genetic issue and the chances of it being passed on to another baby was higher, I wouldn't push the issue. There isn't a good reason for him to not have it reversed.


I can't let go of the feelings I have, and it IS making me sick. Literally. I'm at my breaking point and don't know what to do.


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## Kelly51280 (Apr 13, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I am very sorry you have to go through this. I am sure it is very difficult and painful. It is clear that on a personal level it is causing a lot of pain for you. I am also sorry you husband has handled this so poorly.
> 
> I suspect that your husband is in a lot of pain as well. He too lost a child, and while he has a son, risking the loss of another one may be something he does not want to deal with. While perhaps not fair to you, it is understandable.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry if your under the impression I blame my husband. That's not what I mean. I know the hurt he felt after losing our son. It was difficult for us both. That, I can't deny.

I guess I resent him for having the vasectomy after I asked him not to. And, I did forget to mention that he was on board at one time. When He first brought up wanting to purchase hunting property, he told me that He would R his V. So, it makes me more angry that he moved on with his property, and I still have to feel the pain. I hope you don't think I'm a mean, bitter wife. I'm not.
I just want my husband to reverse his V so I can be happy. Shouldn't he want me to make me happy? I have been a good wife to him, he tells me that. Also, He knows how bad I want it and still resists doing whats right. Where is stands is, he has his property and didn't hold up his end of the bargain.


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## Kelly51280 (Apr 13, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> sounds like you guys agreed and then YOU changed your mind .
> 
> so your wishes are more important than his.



Your are right..at one time, very soon after the birth of our second son, I thought it was best for us. But, after realizing that our decision would not only effect us, it would effect our son too. My husband and I both have siblings and I couldn't imagine life without them. 

All of my husbands wishes have been fulfilled. He is happy and content with our life together. Me on the other hand, I'm missing out. I've sacrificed a lot for him, and it hurts me immensely to know he isn't willing to at least TRY. If he R his V and I never got pregnant, at least I could say he tried. The resentment wouldn't be there..

We were awarded a settlement for the loss of our child because he would still be here if it wasn't for negligence. His promise to me was to have the R done. My promise to him was to allow him to buy land. Doesn't it seem wrong that he now has land and never had the R?

Please don't take this wrong. I am trying to get you to see that his wishes were fulfilled and mine weren't.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Kelly ~

I guess when it all comes down to it ... you have a choice.

Do you choose to stay with your husband, forgive him for the choices he has made, work to strengthen your marriage, and look to ways that you could realize some aspects of the dream you have? There are a lot of children in this world who need someone to care for them, someone to mentor them, someone to foster them, someone to teach them, someone to love them. If you have the love in your heart, then you could easily turn it toward working on something positive by helping another in need. 

Or...

Do you choose to go on the way you are ... increasing the resentment day by day, choosing to focus on the hurts and the negativity, while jeopardizing your own happiness and your marriage, and your son's family life, in the process?

You know... you mentioned in one of your posts about your husband not making you happy. But, the reality is that no one save yourself can really make you happy. Leo Tolstoy once said that "If you want to be happy, be."

Best wishes.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

Kelly51280 said:


> I'm so sorry about your loss as well. I know the pain you feel and it's the worse kind ever. ((hugs))
> 
> I've asked my H to have a reversal and he is NOT budging. I poured my heart out. Several times and it did no good.That's why I'm here. As time goes on, the resentment is getting stronger and stronger. I know it wasn't easy for him losing our son and the fear of losing another baby will always be there, for the both of us. I don't deny that it was hard for him too. I fear of losing my son now, but, that's what parents have to DEAL with when they lose a child.
> 
> ...




Thank you 

I am not sure what can be done where he is so firm in his decision. I guess it will all boil down to if you can ever truly forgive him and move on and be happy in your marriage.

I am just so sorry that such choices were made while both of you were deep in grief. Have you all ever been to grief counseling together? 

Sometimes it is very hard to deal with a grieving man because they don't always wear their hearts on their sleeves and they handle themselves so differently.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Maybe your husband would be more likely to add more kids to the family if he felt more secure with you. If he's feeling unloved and frustrated, he's probably doing very well just to convince himself to come home every day.


Exactly this. I had my son, then my daughter a few years later. My ex by that time was an all around shrew and treated me badly during her pregnancies (withheld sex, lazy, rude and demanding). So there was no way at all I was going to have another child with her. So I had a vasectomy.

Two other things to consider:

1) The illness that claimed your son might be part of the issue. I would not have children if I was a carrier of a serious genetic condition that has a high chance of being passed on. I also know that others feel such a strong pull to reproduce that they would take that risk and have children regardless.

2) I've read where women - even those who don't want more children - perceive a sterile man as inherently unattractive. It almost seems like some are not interested in sex if there is no reproductive potential. You might want to see if you have any of this going on, which would only compound issues you are currently having.


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## Kelly51280 (Apr 13, 2012)

DTO said:


> Exactly this. I had my son, then my daughter a few years later. My ex by that time was an all around shrew and treated me badly during her pregnancies (withheld sex, lazy, rude and demanding). So there was no way at all I was going to have another child with her. So I had a vasectomy.
> 
> Two other things to consider:
> 
> ...


Wow. I'm sorry your wife was such a shrew to you. I can assure you, that's not my husbands reasoning. I work full-time, cook, clean and do all his laundry. Sure.. I have had my moments, but I love and respect.

My sons illness was not genetic.. We have had testing to prove this. Plus, we had a healthy son 3 years after his death. He's Perfect. 

I find my husband attractive.. But, I must admit, it frustrates me that he is infertile, ONLY because it was a choice that he made, AGAINST my will. I am asking for one more baby, so that my son doesn't have to be an only child. I feel like I deserve it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Kelly51280 said:


> I'm sorry if your under the impression I blame my husband. That's not what I mean. I know the hurt he felt after losing our son. It was difficult for us both. That, I can't deny.


I don't think you are consiously blaming him. But in reference to your husband's decision, you talk about being penalized twice. I suspect it can be all to easy to morph those two things and feel resentment for your husband. Just something to be careful about.



> I guess I resent him for having the vasectomy after I asked him not to. And, I did forget to mention that he was on board at one time. When He first brought up wanting to purchase hunting property, he told me that He would R his V. So, it makes me more angry that he moved on with his property, and I still have to feel the pain. I hope you don't think I'm a mean, bitter wife. I'm not.


I don't think that. I think you are a normal human being that has gone through a horrible thing and are still hurting. I suspect your husband is hurting as well.



> I just want my husband to reverse his V so I can be happy. Shouldn't he want me to make me happy? I have been a good wife to him, he tells me that. Also, He knows how bad I want it and still resists doing whats right. Where is stands is, he has his property and didn't hold up his end of the bargain.


What if reversing his vasectomy and having another child would make him as unhappy as you are right now? Would he then still owe it to you to make you happy? I have no idea if that is the case, but think about it.

I do think that all the other stuff you complain about is window dressing for the real issue: you want another child. The property, living outside the city, all of it are not really that important to you. What is import, what you have assigned as the right answer, is having another child. Nothing inherently wrong with that, but something you need him to join you on. So you need to figure out what you need to do if he decides this is something he can't give to you? Will you figure out someway to be happy with what he can give you, or will it break you marriage? Because at this point, with the feelings you post about, I don't see your marriage working if things staying the same. 

I suggest some individual counseling and marriage counseling to steer you. Good luck.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I agree with TAG, some IC and/or MC really would help. If you can't afford that, talk to a pastor (insert religious figurehead here), close family member or friend. You need to get this resentment out of your heart since it's only hurting you and your marriage.

Sometimes live throws us curve balls and we need to change what our original goals are. Perhaps you could consider channeling all that maternal energy into becoming a "big sister" (akin to big brother), or becoming a foster parent (we're seriously considering that in about 5 years), etc.


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## Kelly51280 (Apr 13, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I don't think you are consiously blaming him. But in reference to your husband's decision, you talk about being penalized twice. I suspect it can be all to easy to morph those two things and feel resentment for your husband. Just something to be careful about.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank You, so much. everything you have said has helped me in some way. Counseling is a great idea. I'll schedule it soon.


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## Kelly51280 (Apr 13, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> I agree with TAG, some IC and/or MC really would help. If you can't afford that, talk to a pastor (insert religious figurehead here), close family member or friend. You need to get this resentment out of your heart since it's only hurting you and your marriage.
> 
> Sometimes live throws us curve balls and we need to change what our original goals are. Perhaps you could consider channeling all that maternal energy into becoming a "big sister" (akin to big brother), or becoming a foster parent (we're seriously considering that in about 5 years), etc.


I'd love to be a foster parent, but, my husband isn't on board.
I guess I have some choices to make and I have decided to schedule an appointment for some counseling, to help me figure out my feelings. Thanks so much for all you advice. It's been a great help.


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