# do triggers ever really go away?



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

and if they dont and provoke negative emotions what does ir mean and how to finally get over the emotions of triggers. like losing a significant birthday holiday. stbxh ruined my 40th. i cant go to 40th bdays. my sons bday. holidays. mutual friends. even years out. its still upsetting. im still in counseling but she wont let me go their. she not believe in discussing the past she tries to keep me present time but i never got to talk about this to anyone just to tam. i think i just held it in too long. affair hapoened years ago but i was only told a year and more so ago.
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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Eventually, yes.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Sorry you are here. Triggers are based on our memories, we will never forget what happened, but hopefully the terrible emotions associated with the triggers will fade. If you only found out a year ago, you are still fairly early into healing from the trauma. Be patient and compassionate to yourself. If divorce is final, you may find some relief then. I think triggers effect people who try to reconcile more than those who do not. 

When you trigger, try to analyze what base emotion you are really feeling, let it flow through you and then visualize it as something tangible: clouds, smoke, flock of birds and visualize it slowly breaking up, disappearing and with it the emotion too.
After you have dealt with the emotions created by the trigger, try to distract yourself with something else to take your mind off it. Keep busy, stay active. Try to connect a happy memory with the trigger or make a new happy event/experience based on that trigger. Try journaling, writing down your emotions, thoughts, etc helps to dissipate the pressure and anxiety. 

I would respectfully suggest you find a new therapist who has experience dealing with infidelity issues and especially betrayed spouses. Part of the healing process is to express the anger, and hurt of the past, and get it out of your system. Of course, if you continue to dwell in the past years afterward discovery, you will not heal. You must begin to move on, and recreate your life and identity in a positive attitude. But the process takes a long time, you are in grief and there is no rigid timetable for how long that takes...be patient and kind to yourself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think they do for some. Not for me. I was in R for 30 years and the triggers only went away after my divorce. During those 30 years, I just learned to live with them.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

thank you. i will try your suggestion of the visual. part of prob is we all wk'd together and i still cant find a new job without significant cut in pay of about 1000.00 month. 

trying to decide future emp. career. i cant decide what to do that will make enough that i dont have to pay for college. that has benefits. my career choices are good but not sustainable
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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

openminded. your post came thru after i submitted...that is scary thought. i wonder if they ever went away for a couple who successfully R.
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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think people who successfully R do experience less intense triggers over time. It can be a long time though.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Did somebody mention Tiggers?

lol. Sorry. Just trying to lighten the mood a little.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

triggers are awful. 

even worse is that I don't think the guilty party understands how impactful things can be. for them (yes, my wife) it seems like we are over reacting or harboring on something. My favorite comment from my wife was "get over it" and "you have to move on"

thanks for the compassion honey. Its been forever, you're right. oh wait, its been a few months.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yes, sort of... Odd because both my and her 40th birthdays were huge trigger memories; Hers particularly. Yet it fades. Those biggies don't go away completely; Every birthday I remember. What changes is your ability to handle it. It hits, you know why, know its in the past and nothing can undo it, and know it isn't the current state of things. So it just washes over you. But just to be fair, it also taints your ability to truly enjoy it because part of your head is going to continue to drag that up and lock it there so it feels almost like you are acting for a day that everything is normal and ok; It isn't really. But you know you can't do anything about it. So it's one of those days you have to convince yourself it is ok to enjoy.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Perhaps it depends on the individual and the circumstances. I can't really say that I trigger anymore or that I have in quite a while but we divorced and did not attempt r. I believe my answer would be different had r been attempted.
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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I don't know if they ever go away. What I do think happens is we recognize within ourselves a situation that may trigger us and either keep a distance or maybe even avoid it all together.

For examples I love movies but I can't watch any movie where the wife is cheating and carrying on an affair. Even if it is a movie that I have seen before. It just takes on a whole new meaning now so I just stay away from them.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

i left counseling yesterday. the song that he had as his ringtone during affair came on..i had to turn radio. what they inflict on us is horrible..
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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I was in Target the other day. Walking up down the aisle, I could hear somebody's phone ring, with a ringtone, from a song we shared. I about picked up the jumbo size mustard and chucked it like a grenade. Now I ask you do triggers go away . In my case no, but its been five years. Ask me six months in, the condiment would have been a go. I can laugh about it now, because my whole world is different. A testament to finding the right girl. I think in time they tend to hurt less. But never fully go away. At least for me.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

ahh thanks for the chuckle. guess we need to get clever about triggers. i hear the song and i close my eyes and picture hot firefighter strippers. eventually i associate *heart* with *firefighters*. hmm.
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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

oh and i definitly cant watch cheating in movies. i did watch the one in hawaii with george clooney. i did like that movie.
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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: do triggers ever really go away?*



notadoormat said:


> oh and i definitly cant watch cheating in movies. i did watch the one in hawaii with george clooney. i did like that movie.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


.....you're a stronger person than I am. I've gotten to the point of going to IMDB to check on a new movie or TV show theme / content before watching. That movie, The Descendants, is in the 'no watch zone' for me.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Triggers...You end up having to change your code to them...E.g. Listen to smooth jazz instead of love songs with words. Sounds stupid but it works. Eventually you can reintegrate the love songs when you are ready, your favorites...Self-mastery. Here's how I handled husband's AP's birthday, filed the divorce on that date. Remember: 
It's the quality of YOUR life that counts the most.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

its not love songs that trigger me. it is the ringtone he played. not his fave band but one of mine and i saw them in concert. i can listen to all their songs but one in particular makes me want to throw up.
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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

I am just saying, try to cultivate new interests, expand your mind, your world. Perseverate on new things. Keep the old yes, but make new strides. Help yourself, you are more than worth it...You are a good soul.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I haven't had any nearing 3 months now. 
And considering I am not even close to the 5 year mark, I think I am doing pretty well. 

But I also did a lot of things differently. 
I am not married. I divorced, and stayed away from the XW for about a year. 
But I do still live with my XW/SO. I am happy this way, and she is happy. What good did divorcing do in hindsight? It was entirely for me. She did not want the divorce, but I didn't care. Helped me mentally free myself, and try to clear my head. 

And while divorced, I didn't live as responsibly as I should have. Maybe it was part of the healing, or the ego rebuilding, or the 'getting even' with the ex. Who knows. 
But I WAITED until I was divorced before I did anything. 

I also took down the OM. Granted, that did cost me a fortune in legal fees. But I showed him which of us was the stronger, bigger, and better man. 
I don't really have the triggers from the OM at all.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

I found out about my wife's affair a week after our wedding anniversary. Needless to say it is a trigger for me especially knowing she slept with him a few days before it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Juicer said:


> I also took down the OM. Granted, that did cost me a fortune in legal fees. But I showed him which of us was the stronger, bigger, and better man.
> *I don't really have the triggers from the OM at all.*


I wonder if he can say the same of you. Probably not. 

Anyway, I'm a little over 2 years out from D-Days #1 and #2 (9 days apart) and, while I won't say that the triggers are completely gone, they certainly don't hit me as often, and even when they do, they're not as severe.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I can only say that at seven months post d-day I have plenty of triggers. WW's affair happened at work, we work for the same company but separate buildings, trigger! Forest preserve, trigger! Jogging trails, trigger! Squirrels, trigger!! Grassy areas, picnic tables, oak trees, trigger trigger trigger!!! I was asked by my MC to try to find my humor again. It's still lost.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I would say that after 3 plus yrs from dday 1, my triggers have gone from gut wrenching emotional despair feelings to, in some cases, fairly neutral memories and in other cases, anger and resentment at how I was used and disrespected.

My FWH had two long term affairs 13 years apart, the last going on for 6 years before I discovered. While that merited divorce, I choose to try R and that has been going very well and we are seriously rebuilding our lives together.

The triggers come less often, take up less space in my head and are less painful but if I pay attention to them , I can get myself in a bad place very easily. I choose not to most of the time.

What helps is that our R is going well, OW has finally given up trying to contact H after 1.5 years since dday and H seems to be really working on the marriage after abandoning it for over 20 yrs. I have also faced my failures in the marriage and feel I am a better wife.

We still occassionally discuss the affairs when I need to express something that bothers me (usually inspired by something I 've read on TAM!) and I still carry the resentment and anger wth me somewhat. I have forgiven him for SOME actions but NOT all. I am still working at not judging our entire 38 yr history as one of lies and deceit but try to look at the big picture of our marriage in context. I am working hard at moving beyond viewing myself not as a victim, but more as a survivor.

Hang in there, Notadoormat, whether you choose to D or R, the triggers will fade but either way it is YOUR choice as to how you react to them and how you choose to write your life story.


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## z_man (Nov 1, 2013)

notadoormat said:


> *she not believe in discussing the past she tries to keep me present time but i never got to talk about this to anyone just to tam.* i think i just held it in too long. affair hapoened years ago but i was only told a year and more so ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Without getting into the details of my experience; having unanswered questions and not knowing the details surrounding the affair would increase the likely hood a trigger would occur and lead to reliving the experience and the thought process would take me right back to all those questions.

For me, once I dealt with getting my questions answered and accepted; the triggers lessened, my thought process through the events quickened, and stability (frame of mind) returned faster.

Hope this helps and good luck.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

z_man said:


> Without getting into the details of my experience; *having unanswered questions and not knowing the details surrounding the affair would increase the likely hood a trigger would occur *and lead to reliving the experience and the thought process would take me right back to all those questions.
> 
> For me, once I dealt with getting my questions answered and accepted; the triggers lessened, my thought process through the events quickened, and stability (frame of mind) returned faster.
> 
> Hope this helps and good luck.


That's exactly my thought. If your WW is not willing to talk about the A; if she's not been completely forthcoming - that's a form of rug sweeping. As I see it, that likely causes extra opportunity for you to trigger as your mind tries to process the unknown, the unresolved, and the undiscussed.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

allwillbewell said:


> I would say that after 3 plus yrs from dday 1, my triggers have gone from gut wrenching emotional despair feelings to, in some cases, fairly neutral memories and in other cases, anger and resentment at how I was used and disrespected.
> 
> My FWH had two long term affairs 13 years apart, the last going on for 6 years before I discovered. While that merited divorce, I choose to try R and that has been going very well and we are seriously rebuilding our lives together.
> 
> ...



Wow!!! I dont know where you find it in you to be the person you are. I read your words and I admire them and your actions. Then the same time, I wonder why you think so little of yourself & would be so willing to accept a man's behavior and allow him back into your life after treating you so poorly for so long. It is all so complicated to say the least. 

At least you sound happy, not alone and your world ok... I guess that is all that matters. 

~sammy


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Go away completely? No, I don't believe so. What can and does happen though is that they don't mean anything when they do occur. I've only been divorced for around 9 months and I can go days without thinking about what happened. When I do, I can quickly dismiss them and go on without dwelling on them.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Found out about wife's affair three years after it ended with the death of her ***k buddy. First thing I found was a series of picture's that I resurrected when I did a restore on the computer and the file appeared. I have no closure with OM. She moves into a position like the pictures and I trigger, when I try to clear my mind, I see the pictures and when I think of the emails they exchanged I can hear her voice and the extremely explicit things she said to him. I am only a month out, but I think they will be around for a long time.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

nickgtg said:


> Go away completely? No, I don't believe so.


:iagree: 3+ years after DDay, 2+ years after moving out and I still trigger, just much less often, and much less explosively and deblitating. In some ways, I wonder if I don't actually invent new triggers (or maybe it's come across new experiences that trigger me). 

And I've learned to avoid many of the known triggers pre-emptively -- reading movie plot like mentioned above, avoiding the radio channels of love songs, definitely avoiding "happily ever after" items. But they still jump out at me all the time, I just deal with them much much better. What used to cause me to pull off the road and have myself a good long cry while punching the steering wheel till my hands bled, now I wince, turn iff the rafio, and keep driving.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

I think that the most important factor in dealing with triggers is to be as proactive as possible. 
First obviously is if you have decided to R or D. Because the biggest trigger of all is the WS. If you D, then you have killed two birds with one stone. You have gotten rid of the cheater and the biggest trigger.
If you R, then you have to identify the triggers and decide what you can do about them.
Some triggers can be destroyed. Clothes the WS wore during the affair can be burnt, presents the AP might have given the WS can be trashed. If the affair took place in the family home, the bed and bedding could be sold or destroyed, etc. Other triggers can be neutralized. Restaurants the WS went to can be "taken back', buy going there yourself. Special days like anniversarys can either be forgotten or some other activity can be done on those dates to lessen their impact. TV or movies can be monitored to avoid those that are stressful.
Sadly, some triggers have to be endured, but if you are proactive you can reduce the number and intensity of the triggers to a great degree.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

The biggest trigger of all, the question I wonder, how the BS trigger of the acutal act of doing it together? I mean, how do you really move on away from those horrible memories? 

I know sex the act is just a part of it all, but the each and every step of the way is what the ww did w the ow/om...not with the spouse. I know all the crap, the wife, or hubs should now become is the most cherished, the most important, & the ww so very sorry, if very remorseful, but the reality is, for ever how long the affair was, they layed there doing it with nother over and over... 

I dont know about you all, but if I'm thinking of her, when we're doing it, I cant imagine him not thinking of her... How does one ever get past that trigger and to the point of thinking, "I know honey you never really meant to hurt me while banging xyz..." as they are entering you... or when wifies is enjoying her hubby? are men just such dogs that it doesnt matter what ***** cat does??? Is this more of a female thing? as my hubs answer is, "well you had men before me"... OMG!!!! not during the marriage???

There is like 2 separate parts of my h now... I wish I could just cut the bottom half of him off and only have to look at the top half of him now !!! lolo

~sammy


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Rookie4 said:


> I think that the most important factor in dealing with triggers is to be as proactive as possible.
> First obviously is if you have decided to R or D. Because the biggest trigger of all is the WS. If you D, then you have killed two birds with one stone. You have gotten rid of the cheater and the biggest trigger.
> If you R, then you have to identify the triggers and decide what you can do about them.
> Some triggers can be destroyed. Clothes the WS wore during the affair can be burnt, presents the AP might have given the WS can be trashed. If the affair took place in the family home, the bed and bedding could be sold or destroyed, etc. Other triggers can be neutralized. Restaurants the WS went to can be "taken back', buy going there yourself. Special days like anniversarys can either be forgotten or some other activity can be done on those dates to lessen their impact. TV or movies can be monitored to avoid those that are stressful.
> Sadly, some triggers have to be endured, but if you are proactive you can reduce the number and intensity of the triggers to a great degree.



And its such a travesty, because all of things we find now we have to change, or avoid, were, are, thing that were so perfectly normal for us as most couple we could enjoy together!!!
Unreal real now we have to go even go thur this... 

I still cant watch ((3.5)) movies w h of any nature that has to do w romance, love, sex, and things, ... maybe except maybe a "John & Lorena Bobbitt" movie. 

~sammy


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## Intheknow (Feb 15, 2014)

My triggers are dates. Foe example, today is the one year anniversary when my WW gave me the line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech and started the ball rolling....the 21st of Sep is the day I found out about the EA with her boss, and so on.
I woke up today anxious and almost went into the dark hole, but then started to think of how far I've come since then. Talked myself out of reacting to past events and refocused on the present and it's potential.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Intheknow said:


> My triggers are dates. Foe example, today is the one year anniversary when my WW gave me the line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech and started the ball rolling....the 21st of Sep is the day I found out about the EA with her boss, and so on.
> I woke up today anxious and almost went into the dark hole, but then started to think of how far I've come since then. Talked myself out of reacting to past events and refocused on the present and it's potential.


This is one of the hardest triggers, but also one of the easiest to do something about. Every date that is a trigger, do something special for yourself. Something that you really enjoy. Give the date a new memory.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Fathers day was a trigger this year. I was just really down and almost depressed that day.

Was told I suck as a parent. Have been criticized to death for years and undercut by her in front of our child. 

I politely asked her never to celebrate fathers day for me again. I just finally had enough. When our daughter is old enough and wants to do something, thats fine, but I dont want the facebook posts or cards proclaiming i'm a great father. Its a complete facade.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I am disappointed to realise that there are many TAMers out there who assume a BS who chooses to R has no self esteem or thinks poorly of themselves.

I have spent the last three years of my life fighting off the OW and working for the return of my love for my husband and his for me precisely BECAUSE I think highly of myself and believe my best chance to acheive happiness is by remaining with him.

I am finally able to see the whole context of our marriage and see the role I played in it clearly. Yes my husband lived a despicable life, he hurt me beyond words. He and his APs hurt themselves as well. At the same time, my eyes have been opened to the wrongs I perpetrated on him. This whole process of R has enabled me to know myself much better including my flaws and faults.

How does one begin to fairly judge whether my actions against him were less destructive than his against me? You can 't and if you live a marriage with a tit for tat mentality, always keeping score, it is doomed to failure even without infidelity.

It is indeed complicated and not for others to judge from the little you read about a situation on TAM. There are countless pros and cons to R or D and each couple brings individual beliefs, abilities, self awareness, psychological work ethic and philosophy to the personal and mutual decision of what is best for them, including those events that are out of their control.

All that being said, I most clearly state that I do not feel any BS forces the WS to cheat by their possible failings in the relationship. But to wonder why a BS has such poor self esteem to be able to choose to R is judgmental, unfair and projecting a personal bias on another.

Lets all agree that whatever course one living with infidelity chooses, be it D or R or living in the limbo of indecision, whether as a BS or WS, it is a unique kind of living hell to work through.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Allwillbewell, you are a strong woman and I admire what you have done.

Your introspection of yourself and overall view of your situation is outstanding!
Another thing that I admire about you is that you responded to the other poster with such class.

It is very rare that I read a BS, like you, with so much balance!!*


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Do triggers ever really go away?

They finally did for me but it ok many years. Also, the crises of betrayal helped me to reevaluate my self and I used the motivation of the emotional upheaval to do some things on my “Bucket List” and to improve myself. *These were probably the most important actions that I took to get a LOT better*.

I have a very successful life with my children and the rest of my extended family. In addition, I have advanced to the top of my profession and have got myself into a good financial position that I have all the necessities of life and a few luxuries.

My WS wife has never shown any actions that indicate that she is the least bit interested in any OM. She has suffered from the natural consequences that I had nothing to do with in addition to the consequences that I did perpetuate. 

We both have lost something but we have gained in pother areas.
We both have a good life in spite of infidelity.

The triggers for me faded in the first 5 years, became very weak by the 10th year, and after that triggers are insignificant if they ever come up


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I think any pain goes away after enough years.

Each person must decide if it's worth it. The memory may fade but the actions and the feelings that occured during that time will always be a reality.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Dates aren't so miuch of a trigger for me.

Mutual/shared like of music and movies/TV shows of the time...and popular songs at that time.... just when we separated are a trigger...especially knowing she was seeing her OM during this period.


'God Only Knows' by The Beach Boys is a terrible trigger for me:

_'I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me
God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me
God only knows what I'd be without you'_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> There is like 2 separate parts of my h now... I wish I could just cut the bottom half of him off and only have to look at the top half of him now !!! lolo
> 
> ~sammy





sammy3 said:


> I still cant watch ((3.5)) movies w h of any nature that has to do w romance, love, sex, and thing, ... maybe except maybe a "John & Lorena Bobbitt" movie.
> 
> ~sammy


Penis replacement surgery.

When some male porn star ODs, swoop in....


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

To the people that the triggers have faded, and have been able to R and learn what thier role in what went wrong was ... I can see maybe the marriage improving. But what about the ones who really did have a good marriage and didnt play a role the infidelity... can they too have as good of a change to make what was good even better? 

~sammy


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Please don't go there.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Please don't go there.


This is a can of worms you do not want to open, Sammy.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Sammy
your last post reveals that you are confusing problems in a marriage as excuses for adulterous behavior. You express the thinking more of a WS when you infer that the BS "plays a role in the infidelity." That is the classic blame shifting excuse of the WS!

The BS never plays a role in the infidelity..they do not force their spouse to cheat...they are not given an opinion, a choice in the matter! The whole thing is a unilateral decision by the WS to abandon their marriage for a third party. The responsibility lies completely on them. 

This is the first thing the BS must learn: they are not to blame. It is also the first thing the WS must learn: that they cannot excuse their behavior by blaming it on their FS, it was a fault, an inadequacy in THEM that allowed them to cheat. When they can admit this to themselves, the fog begins to lift...and when they admit it to the BS, the healing can begin. It allows the BS to feel for the first time since dday, a small feeling of compassion for the WS, an understanding of their weaknesses, their imperfect humanity.

The huge issue of healing the betrayal is seperate from the issue of identifying and correcting the problems in the marriage previous to the infidelity. Are they interrelated? Only so much that the dysfunctions both spouses may have had before the WS choose to cheat are not addressed and allowed to interfere with the conditions necessary to a successful R ...e.g. if blaming each other, disrespecting, poor communication, etc. was present before the infidelity it will be present during R if either spouse does not recognise and choose to correct it.

As to what defines a good marriage to begin with, it takes two people to make a marriage but only one to betray. What one spouse sees as good, the other might not..it is highly subjective. If there is a disconnect in communication, even recognizing a problem may be difficult. One may be a good spouse but if the other is not, can the marriage truly be called good? Supposing the marriage was perfect, which is highly unlikely, the personality needs and feelings of entitlement of the betrayer obviously overwhelmed the perfect marriage scenario for some reason. If the BS in a "good " marriage cannot bring themselves to relinquish the need for justice, wipe the slate clean, and allow the FWS to redeem themselves with true and strong attempts for the sake of the future, R will be difficult and a good marriage will die from injuries inflicted by both partners, both during and after the infidelity.

Sorry for the overly long post but thats my take on it...R is not for wimps and it doesn't happen overnight. I expect it will take as long as we both have life. But the truth is that a crisis such as infidelity will bring us to the very depths of our being, face to face with our worst and best selves...our strength and our weakness...dignity or humiliation... we are forced to align ourselves one way or another...which do we choose?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

AWBW, 

No, I'm not confusing problems in the marriage as excuses for behavior. 

I 100% agree a BS never plays a role infidelity. Never signed up for it, & in my mind, probably never would. 

I have issues with "the faults, the flaws," those words, it "conveys" a not so great feelings inside for the BS. Oh I totally agree when the ww finally "gets it" the fog lifts, and the healing for the BS can begin. That's a process in its self.

I feel lots of "compassion, understanding of h weaknesses - his imperfect humanity," as I'm as un-perfect as they come. I knew about most of them that day I married him, and said I do... the 28 odd years, now almost 30+ ago & since, that I've lived and and love him. 
He didnt have to show me "his flaws," believe me, I knew them and loved him dearly through them all. 

"The huge issue of healing the betrayal is separate from the issue of identifying and correcting the problem in the marriage previous to infidelity" 

Of course! This is when the BS starts to look inward and starts to asks the questions of themselves. What can they do to make their and their partner's lives better so none of this happens again . How can they understand, or we understand what happen, to get thur this and understand , to respect each other, to respect ourselves. To pick which road to go. The couple is at crossroads. I get this... 

Now to definite a good marriage? Yeah, your right, it takes 2 people, not 3. 

I would also think that it pretty much says that both people want to be where they are. Relativity happy and satisfied, wx things, got thur them, had trust with each other, had each others back, believed in each other, built a secure world with each other. Depended on each other to be there, and probably could believe that their most trusted best loving friend couldnt & wouldnt hurt them. Not even to say, believed in each other so much that a family was created out of it, who we as adults had taken on the responsibilities to protect and teach those children. 

I also believe in a good marriage there are "issues" that all marriages face, but none are ever believed to be that threaten to the relationship, to each other, or the marriage, because of all the things I mentioned above. Now in my case, add almost 30 yrs to the mix, I think I did a pretty good job of knowing if we had a good marriage or not, as guess what??? he too 100 % agrees... nothing really needed "fixed" except now...the whole "good marriage" does.

See, this is what is soooo bad & f.u. about infidelity, it sadly, destroys even some of the best of marriages... 

~sammy


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