# Preemptive rejection



## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

I’ve been married for about 3½ years. For the past two years, sexual frequency has been insufficient. Frequency dropped off from 3-4 times a week to once a week to twice in 3 weeks. Usually, she is too tired, too busy, or not feeling well. She makes it a point to inform me of the particular circumstance early in the evening (thus preemptive rejection). The dilemma that I have with discussing frequency with her is the risk of “duty sex”. I feel like she should *want* it too.

One morning a couple years ago, I brought up the subject, and she scolded me for expecting sex while she was under so much stress. (We had just bought a repo house that needed lots of work). I felt horrible. So much for the effectiveness of discussion.

In the past couple weeks, the situation showed some improvement. For the past few days, I’ve been thinking about toe-curling sex with her before her kids come home from college for the weekend (kids in the house is another prohibitive circumstance). She came home late from helping her aunt with some remodeling. I flirted with her but got a cool response. When we went to bed, she began to snore as soon as her head hit the pillow.

Unable to sleep, I got up and went to my office to bore myself to sleep. That took several hours, so I didn’t get up with her to go to the gym at 5am. When I woke up, she asked what was wrong. I made another attempt at discussing the frequency issue. She doesn’t consider it a problem. She offered to pencil me in on her schedule three nights a week (presumably for duty sex) and told me about her evening obligations to others for the next couple weeks. She said that I should just initiate sex and she would get in the mood.

I guess I could try, but I don’t have any moves for a woman who is snoring. I could just rent a prostitute if all I wanted was sex. (Don't tell anyone, but I would like to feel wanted too). Has anyone ever turned a situation like this around?


----------



## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

Nope. She had a hystro about 15 years ago. Insufficient alcohol consumption could be a factor. She cut way back on drinking a couple years ago.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds to me like the problem is that she thinks you're in the bag and not going anywhere no matter how little she puts into the marriage. And it sounds like you're reinforcing that attitude. Is this a deal breaker or not?


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> (Don't tell anyone, but I would like to feel wanted too).


Have you told your wife this? Talking about frequency is one thing, and not one that is likely to help her understand your need to feel wanted. If you haven't told her that, you need to. 

And make sure you clarify this for her, too: "Your *desire *for me makes me feel loved and wanted. " 

A lot of women won't respond to: "I need sex to feel wanted." Because, as you said, you can get sex from a prostitute. It's not the sex or the frequency - it's her desire that makes the difference and makes it feel intimate and loving.


----------



## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Well since I'm currently on my own 12 month drought I don't have an answer for you. I'm thinking your need to be desired, to be lusted after, to be sexually attracted to just needs to be consistently communicated in a non threatening way. Have you asked her flat out "is there anything about me, my behaviors or our marriage that you resent or is turning you off?"

Sometimes that eliminates anything on your side. Is she masturbating without you? Does she get horny at all?


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

another selfish wife. Gee, wish we had heard this one before...

Her needs met and your needs do not matter.
I would go with reading married mens sex life primer.
Also read no more mr. nice guy, you need perspective and a changed approach.

You see there needs to be communication from you as to how the lack of intimacy (not sex) make you feel as a man.
You need to also make sure you are doing your part to support her, the home, the chores etc... No woman wants to bang her son, and if you are leaving all the work to her(like a son), you deserve no sex.
If you are doing those things and are getting the cold shoulder then it is time for consequences. Start taking away from her things she counts on from you. 
There is always MC. Until the wife sees the problem as a problem, MC will not help much.IMO

Seems most woman that we hear about are complacent in the marriage and happy with getting the bills paid, having children, and food on the table, but do not recognize the mans needs.
Taking those things from them seems to help wake them up.
Many have even had to threaten or begin divorce to wake OP up.
Sorry you are here.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

pierrematoe said:


> Well since I'm currently on my own 12 month drought I don't have an answer for you. I'm thinking your need to be desired, to be lusted after, to be sexually attracted to just needs to be consistently communicated in a non threatening way. Have you asked her flat out "is there anything about me, my behaviors or our marriage that you resent or is turning you off?"
> 
> Sometimes that eliminates anything on your side. Is she masturbating without you? Does she get horny at all?


12 months?
that is ridiculous.
divorce recommended


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Couple things jump out at me:

1) She has indicated her priorities through her actions. She was too tired due to helping her aunt (a voluntary activity), not from something that benefited both of you. 

2) She reacted when your actions (not going to the gym with her) matched your words. Consider doing more of this. Be polite, but start looking after yourself. Be clear with her (no passive aggressive crap) that you need to look after yourself since she is not interested in doing it.


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Couple things jump out at me:
> 
> 1) She has indicated her priorities through her actions. She was too tired due to helping her aunt (a voluntary activity), not from something that benefited both of you.
> 
> 2) She reacted when your actions (not going to the gym with her) matched your words. Consider doing more of this. Be polite, but start looking after yourself. Be clear with her (no passive aggressive crap) that you need to look after yourself since she is not interested in doing it.


:iagree:


----------



## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

Thank you all for your reply. Sorry, I haven't figured out quotes yet. NoraJane: We covered the motivation behind sex this morning. Guys seem to think I'm being too kind. That's probably right. Maybe I should play hard to get. She's very smart, though. She'll likely call my bluff.


----------



## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Playing hard to get only works if she's looking to get you. Making yourself less available is a good first step. MMSLP is not for everyone but can be helpful
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

My wife was the master at this. As soon as I she got the notion that I was horny, which was a lot, I would hear "My stomach hurts today" or "I am so tired today" or "I think I'm getting a cold" etc etc. So when we went to bed and I started something I would get "I told you my stomach hurts.... or whatever". I finally learned to say "So?, It wouldn't stop me", and "I don't care, take off your clothes" and stuff like that, and it worked.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

One night long ago my wife informed me she had a gyno appt in the morning. I layed there for a few minutes, then I asked her if she a dental appt. As well. It wasn't good.


----------



## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

This story comes up a lot with men on here (myself included). 

Anyways, I would follow the advice given earlier (those on the first page). It has been unsuccessful with my wife but I have read how it has helped many others. Even if the marriage fails, you are in a better place as a man and as a person.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Thound said:


> One night long ago my wife informed me she had a gyno appt in the morning. I layed there for a few minutes, then I asked her if she a dental appt. As well. It wasn't good.


I would post a LOL for this one - if only it were not so sad.


----------



## Darkflower (Dec 2, 2011)

jay1365 said:


> My wife was the master at this. As soon as I she got the notion that I was horny, which was a lot, I would hear "My stomach hurts today" or "I am so tired today" or "I think I'm getting a cold" etc etc. So when we went to bed and I started something I would get "I told you my stomach hurts.... or whatever". *I finally learned to say "So?, It wouldn't stop me", and "I don't care, take off your clothes" and stuff like that, and it worked.*


Ew! Yuck!

That may have worked for you, at least on the surface, but I feel certain that for many spouses who are already coming up with excuses to avoid sex, this would be like handing them one. Saying you don't care how she's feeling, and that just because you could and would have sex if you were tired or not feeling well, she should also, would probably get some neglected spouses who heed your advice shut down for even longer. At most, it would get them the dead starfish treatment, I'd wager.

I agree that there has to be a breakthrough somehow, and that the neglected spouse has the right to pursue getting their needs met, and to expect an honest and productive response from the LL partner, but I'd be shocked if this strategy worked the way most seem to want strategies to-- i.e. not just allowing themselves to be an orifice or a dildo for the HL partner to masturbate with, but passionate, willing, and participatory sex.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Hey if you don't want to be called on your bs excuses then don't give bs excuses.


----------



## Darkflower (Dec 2, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Hey if you don't want to be called on your bs excuses then don't give bs excuses.


Well that's cute, very clever indeed. But we're not talking about what would get you high fives around a highschool locker room, at least I don't think so. We're talking about what is likely to be effective. And the above strategy, from the way the mindset of lot of LL partners is described, is more likely not to be, in my opinion.


----------



## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

My wife does this regularly also, she always seems fine, then boom, its like once she walks into the bedroom, she is allergic to penis....


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

HardLanden said:


> I’ve been married for about 3½ years. For the past two years, sexual frequency has been insufficient. Frequency dropped off from 3-4 times a week to once a week to twice in 3 weeks. Usually, she is too tired, too busy, or not feeling well. She makes it a point to inform me of the particular circumstance early in the evening (thus preemptive rejection). The dilemma that I have with discussing frequency with her is the risk of “duty sex”. I feel like she should *want* it too.
> 
> One morning a couple years ago, I brought up the subject, and she scolded me for expecting sex while she was under so much stress. (We had just bought a repo house that needed lots of work). I felt horrible. So much for the effectiveness of discussion.
> 
> ...



Sounds like she was really is low sex drive LD in disguise and when she was comfortable with you, her true self came out.

Ummmm, not yet for me. My wifee is a caring, loving, hard working, faithful woman but is similar to your wifee. Still trying to figure her out 13+ years later.

Sex to me shouldn't be duty or pity based. Sex should be spontaneous and fantastic, otherwise might as well go to the massage shop, open late hours and get more than a massage from a hottie.

Seriously though, she is comfy and set in her ways.


----------



## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> another selfish wife. Gee, wish we had heard this one before...
> 
> Her needs met and your needs do not matter.
> I would go with reading married mens sex life primer.
> ...


Ah, wait, there are just as many selfish men. There should be more threads added to make it fair.


----------



## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I have heard just before bed the following:

1) Is you stomach upset, mine is a bit
2) I am so tired..can't keep my eyes open
3) do you know where the advil is?

These hints are always sublty dropped just before bed


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> I have heard just before bed the following:
> 
> 1) Is you stomach upset, mine is a bit
> 2) I am so tired..can't keep my eyes open
> ...


My ex wife had the same bunch of canned statements...that led to no sex.

My STBW has dropped those same ones too, but she always follows them with...

1) Where are the Tums?...followed by sex.
2) Lets hop in the shower and wake up a bit...followed by sex.
3) I want this headache to go away, besides, I'm still sore from last night...followed by sex.


----------

