# Reconciliation Process



## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Guys I first found that my hubby cheated on me in January 2013!! We have started the reconciliation. I feel he is moving forward very well a bit better than me. You see I still have triggers and H can't cope when I go down which is very upsetting because I really didn't bring this to myself he did! Yes he does own up to the accountability but I feel he doesn't have any patience with me!! Before all these i was a very strong career woman, confidence, trusting, not a paranoia now all these have been turned into the opposite! I love my hubby and our kids so much and I would like to get out of this dark place I am in at the moment and have my old self and happy married life that we had back. He says he feels that he's killed our marriage, that maybe the truth but I believe it can be saved so does. We both have been working hard on this only when I get the triggers it feels like we've gone back to square one. Any advices, comments would help me to save my marriage!! Thanks guys.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Sorry Kindone, it's a tough one. The undiscovered country - you can't return to where you were before, ever. But you can start out from where you are. It has been done.

As I am in your same situation I am not the best person to offer advice. But i would say it is very much up to your husband to do the heavy lifting. yes, you have a part to play obviously but as the betrayer he really has to prove to you he is in it for the long haul.

Remember - actions speak louder than words. Just watch what he does rather than listen to what he says. And don't forget you - you are more important than anything else. You are numero uno in this situation. 

By the way - he has no right to be impatient with you on any level. The cheater doesn't have the right to set the rules. If he pulls a stunt like my WS did and effectively tells you to get over it make sure you read the riot act.

Best wishes to you Kindone - Horizon


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Thank you very much Horizon! You know what you've given me the right advice and comment. It particularly helps coming from someone who in on the same boat. I totally agree with every singly word you've said; I've been thinking about going back to how things were before and the rest of it. Thanks spelling out that will never happen; got to start from where we are now. Yes I need to remember that I'm number one; putting other people first has got me where I am today!! I feel so much better, you've saved me from doing something very stupid today! I'm going to work this morning and everything is clearer now. Cheers!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Kindone, first I have to say this: You are not alone. There are a lot of people who have gone this way before you and they have made it through their reconciliation. I am one of them.

January is a very short time relative to the reconciliation process. You are still dealing with very raw emotions and pain. I hate to tell you, but it gets worse before it gets better. My Dday was March 2012. I wasn't able to fully "control" triggering until about December. I was lucky though in that my wife was very good dealing with my triggers. I had a TON of them considering that for 1 year of her 5 year affair they had sex in the basement of our home. Yeah, for about 8 months I couldn't and wouldn't even go in that damn room.

As Horizon said, your husband is the one at fault. HE is the one who brought this into your marriage and if YOU are willing to give him another chance, then he deals with your pain. If he is unwilling to do so, then he's only gonna f-ck up the reconciliation. Now, that doesn't mean you get to be a jerk to him all the time...but ya know what? It's understandable if you do on occasion. Heck, I know I was never a physical threat to my wife, but I guarantee my words cut deeper than any slap could ever have done.

My advice to you is about triggers. They will happen. And sometimes - most times - they will do so when you least expect them. FYI...I still have little triggers. When this happens, remember that YOU are in control of things. The affair is no longer happening. Allow yourself to feel the pain, sadness, hurt and anger. But don't let it control you. Understand that it will pass and that it is a normal part of the healing process that will take anywhere from 2 to 5 years.

You still are that strong woman.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> You still are that strong woman.


:iagree:


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

SomeDayDig- Sorry to hear about your experience and thanks for the comment. It's good to hear that everything is doable. The thing is, I never yelled at him, got angry and it's now that I want to scream, call him all the names under the sun, I want to tell him how I feel. You see, when I found out about the affair my H was very ill suffering from a fairly deep depression. I told him then that our priority was to get him well and forget about my feelings we would deal with them afterwards!! So now I need him to get me out of the hole he got me into in the first place! The sad thing is, ah is a loving and caring person and he's good until I have triggers; he gets upset as well so we can't have that good chat I need. Thank you guys, I feel so much better now and I've had a good talk with H, I explained what I want/need from him when I fall!!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Kindone said:


> Thank you guys, I feel so much better now and I've had a good talk with H, I explained what I want/need from him when I fall!!


Explaining your needs is a great thing to do. Now, I hate to push stuff cuz I prefer that a wayward spouse do it on their own, however I would suggest buying the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. Regret214, my wife, bought this literally 2 weeks after Dday. That's how on board she was with trying to right the wrongs. Now, she was not perfect in the beginning but she sure tried and I worked with her. That book helped her a bunch.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

*...I found out about the affair my H was very ill suffering from a fairly deep depression. I told him then that our priority was to get him well and forget about my feelings we would deal with them afterwards!! *

Two things here: 1. Did he get some professional help for the depression? What caused it? 2. You have been guilty of something that I did; you "rugswept" the affair/your feelings in order to make him feel better. NOT GOOD.

*So now I need him to get me out of the hole he got me into in the first place! The sad thing is, ah is a loving and caring person and he's good until I have triggers; he gets upset as well so we can't have that good chat I need. Thank you guys, I feel so much better now and I've had a good talk with H, I explained what I want/need from him when I fall!!*

He is a loving, caring person until I have triggers? You need him to get you out of the hole? This is the guy that pushed you in.

Not saying these things to add to your stress or discomfort. It is probably the worst feeling a person can feel. Many of us on TAM have been in your shoes.

It seems that many of us have a pivot point during the R process. Dig mentioned that it might get worse before getting better. I agree. 

You are dealing with some pretty sharp edges in you mind. It felt like shards of shattered glass when I was there.

Watch for signs that you are detaching emotionally. It seems that it is a way that we deal with the pain. If you spouse doesn't help, I predict you will withdraw further and develop more resentment.

It is so GOOD that you found TAM. It is a goldmine of experiences and insights. You can see yourself reflected in the stories that are here. Learn from them. Take your time. It is your choice to do what is best for you.

So sorry you ended up here with us. At least you are in good company now!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When the BS triggers I find it helpful when the WS simply says sorry for the pain I have caused. My wife does this and it does help. Or when she says, I brought this pain into your life, I am sorry. Does not take the triggers away but it certainly is comforting to hear my wife own up to what she did and to what it created in me.


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## It's Better Now (Mar 10, 2013)

Honestly, I probably didn't feel even 1/2 way "normal" until at least June 2012, which was after finding out in April 2011. 

My husband didn't deal well with me falling apart, either, during those first months and that made it even more tough. All I wanted was to be told "it's OK" over and over again. I couldn't help it. But somehow, we did make it through. 

I would say things along the lines of, "I know you're getting defensive or angry because you feel badly that you hurt me, but this is what I need today ... I can get over this, we're not getting a divorce, but today I need to cry (or yell, or sulk, or tell him I wished that other person would die or whatever it was I felt)." And in time, he did learn to just listen to my feelings and let me have them, even though he knew he caused the pain.

And triggers? Oh my goodness, I could feel my stomach flip if I saw a car like that person drives or hear a song by a singer who has that person's same first name. It was horrible, horrible that first year. But now, in year 2, I know how to deal with those a little better and though distressing, I can usually just let the thought go through my head without dwelling on it too much.

Every couple's story is different, but there is hope if reconcilliation is what you both want. I know people have had bad experiences with it, but I think it can be done. Though we'd like to think after 6 months things would feel completely better, I have a feeling this is a life-time process and we are both only in the early stages of it. 

Hugs : ) Good luck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There is no time limit when it comes to triggers. It could literally be years. So tell him to be prepared for a long road. It may not be but it easily could be.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

It must be fate that you posted this today. I have been having big triggers all day today and just got on TAM looking for some support. I am sorry that you are in a situation that has brought you to TAM, but I sure am glad that you are here and posting today. So, thank you for that. I needed to see/hear that I am not alone.

WH and I are just over a year since DDay. Initially I had triggers constantly. Are you in therapy ? We have been in MC since the very beginning and as hard has it is, it helps. Some of my worst days are the day after a MC session when everything was stirred up and verbalized. I too have been waiting for the triggers to go away. They have not left me, but they have died down. Thanks again for starting this thread today. It has helped me.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

By the way, I gave my WH a copy of the book that Dig mentioned. It opened his eyes to the magnitude of the destruction he caused and after reading it, seemed to take more ownership of the situation. He seemed more patient with me after he read it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

still so sad said:


> By the way, I gave my WH a copy of the book that Dig mentioned. It opened his eyes to the magnitude of the destruction he caused and after reading it, seemed to take more ownership of the situation. He seemed more patient with me after he read it.


Big, oversized smiles from Dig


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

No he didn't seek professional help for his depression but luckily he's ok now. Yeah, probably it wasn't the best thing tondo ignoring my own feeling/swept the affair under carpet but hey! It would have been difficult to ignore his illness; he was very ill and broken. Without telling a long story, the cause of depression was a build up of different stuff; financial struggle, bankruptcy of his company that happened years ago. I tried to deal and cope with the whole thing on his own; he thought he was coping but clearly not. BetterNow- I think you are with me as well; that's exactly how I feel at times. I'm very hopeful that we will get through this however.


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> *...I found out about the affair my H was very ill suffering from a fairly deep depression. I told him then that our priority was to get him well and forget about my feelings we would deal with them afterwards!! *
> 
> Two things here: 1. Did he get some professional help for the depression? What caused it? 2. You have been guilty of something that I did; you "rugswept" the affair/your feelings in order to make him feel better. NOT GOOD.
> 
> ...


Watch for signs that you are detaching emotionally. It seems that it is a way that we deal with the pain. If your spouse doesn't help, I predict you will withdraw further and develop more resentment.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Kindone said:


> Watch for signs that you are detaching emotionally. It seems that it is a way that we deal with the pain. If your spouse doesn't help, I predict you will withdraw further and develop more resentment.


???:scratchhead:

I am soon leaving my computer for the day, so I will assume you had a question about the quote above.

Here is my thinking, you will likely go through stages of grief. They start with disbelief through acceptance. You probably know this stuff.

I think that your WH has not addressed the issues, and now you are getting into your anger phase.

It was a few months out for me too. It was off and on like you have mentioned.

The anger went from wanting revenge (RA) to being above it all. It is very much a day-to-day thing.

The feelings change to more of a letting go phase. Detaching.

This is when I started wondering about life without her. Life would be better with an honest spouse. Life would be better with a loyal, giving spouse.

I then mentally started comparing my exWW with other potential women. It actually became exciting and fun.

I also decided that many of the reasons not to D were based on my fears.

Here I am two years later. Happily divorced and re-married. 

Kinda of fast, but Hell, I am not getting any younger!


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Lovemytruck- I liked the quote because most of it states the truth. Im feeling frustrated, angry and all these different emotions so I'm pleased that you've highlighted that. That's the thing in this forum, people know what they are talking about. I'm glad that you've found the happiness that you deserve.


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

StillSoSad- I'm very sorry too that you are going through this but glad to hear that my post has helped a bit. What a horrible position our so called loving spouses have put us in?!!!! I guess it's already been said; triggers are part of the process so it's ok allow yourself to get angry and upset. I hope you feel better soon. I pray to God that I don't ever even think of putting anyone through this ****!!


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