# Cyber cheating



## BetrayedandAlone (Apr 17, 2011)

Hello, I am new to this forum. I just signed up because of what is going on in my relationship. I'm sad and scared and have no one to talk to. I figured, with a sense of irony, that I could turn to people online for some advice. I posted this in the general forum earlier because I didn't know about this one - if this violates a rule please remove the other one!

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years and living together for most of that. Our relationship has been very serious and we've been talking about getting married and having kids. About two years ago we moved across the country together for a new job for me. He has a new job here as well that he is very happy with. Ok, so onto the problem....

In 2007 I found out, through snooping, that he was having multiple online affairs with women. Through his chat history, I found out that this was going on for our entire relationship. Many of them were random people that I guess he met through chat rooms/personals sites, but some were also people he knew, like ex-girlfriends. He was having cyber-sex with these women and asking them for naked pictures of themselves. He had an entire directory full of naked pictures (not porn) of women that he had collected over the years. I was incredibly hurt and confronted him. He felt bad and said he would stop and never do it again. He understood that I hurt but didn't think it was as bad as cheating. Stupid me decided to forgive him way too easily and believe him. For a while he was understanding of my need to talk about it but then it began to irritate him and he thought I should just get over it.

Fast forward a few years. I have had my suspicions off and on that he was having an inappropriate relationship with one of his exes. I have confronted him about this a few times and he swore up and down that nothing was going on and that I was being irrational. I told him that he needed to tell me if anything was going on so that we could work through it. So, my snooping started up again. A couple of weeks ago, I read a chat that he had with her that was incredibly explicit. It was basically online sex. She had clearly sent him some nude pictures of herself masturbating. (by the way, she is married and has a child). He talked to her about me and about his dissatisfaction with me. He told her that if he had the chance again he would not turn her down in person.

Needless to say, I was beyond words upset. I confronted my boyfriend again and told him what I found and that I was leaving. That he had cheated on me constantly for 6 years and lied to me. He feels awful and says he wants to stop but doesn't know how. We have seen a couple of counselors and he wants to see a therapist on his own as well. We are sleeping in separate rooms at the moment and just being around him makes me upset. I'm pretty depressed and just don't know what to do. I feel like I should leave him, that he would never change. He has told me that if I left him he would quite his job and move away because he wouldn't be able to handle seeing me. He swears he wants to stop but I don't know how to believe him or if I could ever trust him again (he's good at covering his track, this was a slip on his part...). Everything I have read online says not to leave right away, to give it some time, but I just don't know. I'm completely torn. We have had a lot of conversations about it and I feel like he blames me to some degree. We have had an abysmal sex life from the beginning, but I am starting to wonder if that is because of his other activities rather than the other way around. If he's been doing these things the whole time we've been together then I feel like I never had a chance.

At the same time he also tells me that the cyber sex has nothing to do with me, that it's a problem with him that he needs to fix. That I didn't do anything wrong and couldn't have done anything differently to prevent it. The mixed messages are so confusing.

I'm not sure what I am looking for here. Maybe advice? Maybe commiseration? Perhaps some of you have been through something like this? Is there any hope or should I just get out now?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

The good news is that the cyber sex did have nothing to do with you and everything about him having poor impulse control. 

The bad news is the cyber sex had nothing to do with you. He should have been thinking about you, loving you and not wanting to hurt you that way. So the problem is this guy only thinks of himself and his immediate wants. He has no care or thought for you.

I don't think you will ever trust him again. And you shouldn't have to but I don't even know if you can forgive him because he has done this before and has shown you he will continue to do these things.

Is he willing to have no internet at all, and none on his phone? Is he willing to go to extremes so that you can forgive him and live with him again? 

I just know that I could never forgive that, it would absolutely destroy our relationship.


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## BetrayedandAlone (Apr 17, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Is he willing to have no internet at all, and none on his phone? Is he willing to go to extremes so that you can forgive him and live with him again?


This just isn't really an option for us. His job requires the use of the computer. Most of what we do for fun involves the computer. I am trying to decide on restrictions that I might put on it (times, types of activities, making the logs and such open to me...) but the truth is, if he wants to keep up this type of behavior, he would have no problem doing so and keeping it from me if he tried.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Get rid of him. He's dangerous. He will break your heart and he will move to the next level...having sex with strangers online, or meeting up with old flames et al that pass on their email and mobile numbers to have illicit trysts. 

He'll risk your health, without a care in the world. 

He's already demonising you by squealing to another woman how bad you are and betraying your "secrets" with another woman who will feed him all he wants to hear with his poor me, hard luck, bad luck story, probably fabricated out of all proportion. He will be re-writing your history, your relationship to benefit himself. The OW will be feeding him with what he wants to hear to benefit ultimately herself. The OW will want you out and he's daft enough to fall for her cheating devious chat to oust you out of your relationship. They deserve each other.

Be on alert and wary of trusting a word from his lying cheating mouth. He's a cheater with no morals and of low character, certainly with poor values. Frankly, you deserve better. 

He's already violated you by telling another woman a pack of lies to curry favour...to his benefit! Probably trying to test her out to get into her pants. Shocking, but true. 

You deserve a decent man, one who cares about you, makes you feel cherished and wanted. You've lived with him for how long? 6 years! He hasn't married you? Any man that doesn't propose within 2 years, a decent woman should get shot of such a guy because they ain't worth it.

A man online chatting to other women with sex on his mind isn't 100% present in your relationship. He's bad news. Not worthy of having children with coz he'll probably be an absuer.

Any decent woman needs her man to make her feel wanted, cherished, desired and made to feel loved showing signs of affection; otherwise how can you give yourself to him wthout feeling like you are being treated like a prostitute? In fact, a prostitute is treated better....she get's paid, you get treated with no respect, like a doormat. He seems to be treating you as second best and any man that does that doesn't deserve you. In fact, he's commoditising women. That's abusive..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> He's already demonising you by squealing to another woman how bad you are and betraying your "secrets" with another woman who will feed him all he wants to hear with his poor me, hard luck, bad luck story, probably fabricated out of all proportion. He will be re-writing your history, your relationship to benefit himself. The OW will be feeding him with what he wants to hear to benefit ultimately herself. The OW will want you out and he's daft enough to fall for her cheating devious chat to oust you out of your relationship. They deserve each other.
> 
> A man online chatting to other women with sex on his mind isn't 100% present in your relationship. He's bad news. Not worthy of having children with coz he'll probably be an absuer.


Awesome post!


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## abbylee (Apr 20, 2011)

I have been married for almost 20 years and have also begun cyber cheating. It is not just me. As much as I would love to say that it is only me, it is mostly me. But there are more problems in this relationship than just me. I am at wits end. I am not the only one that is here, and the only one that is not here. He is so inattentive and does not seem to care about so much that should be really important in a loving caring relationship. I was getting attention from another person for a very short time, never met them in person, and now regret it because it has left me feeling even more lost and empty than ever before. It makes me resent my husband so much that there is something so lacking in my marriage that someone else could simply talk to me and fill that void. I am not making excuses for the naked pictures because there is not a single reason or excuse for that but there is more than one reason for cyber cheating, and yes I call it what it is.... And no I will not be doing it again, because as empty as my long marriage makes me feel I am still in it, and will stay in it...


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## brazerkus (Oct 6, 2011)

I recently found out that my husband of 14 years has not one, but TWO cyber chicks, one of whom now calls his cell phone during the day. When I confronted him about it, he swore up and down, as do they all, that he has no girlfriends and is completely monogamous (he calls it monotonous and expects me to be amused by that). I am finding it very hard to let this go, and feel like I cannot trust him anymore. We are in business together, too, which maked everything so much more complicated. I know women consider cyber space cheating, cheating, and men do not. I feel betrayed, again, as this is not the first time it's happened. I am an alcoholic in recovery, and the fact that I have not yet picked up a drink during all this is amazing. My husband also tells these women how unhappy he is with our marriage, and how "badly" I treat him. I cannot stop crying. I just contacted a therapist to deal with this, but I am beside myself, and thank God we have no kids. When marriage works, it is great. When it doesn't it sucks.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband also cybercheated. D day was a year and a half ago, and we are doing great reconciling, but he had to do that vast majority of the work. Our marriage sucked before he did it, which we are dealing with together, but that's separate from him cheating.

I see the OP is a few months old - I hope things are better for you now. You said "the truth is, if he wants to keep up this type of behavior, he would have no problem doing so and keeping it from me if he tried. " and you are bang on. He has to convince you he isn't, over and over again, probably for the duration of your relationship.


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## oceanch1d (Oct 5, 2011)

What did you end up doing?! I have exactly the same problem! Except it came out because one of these girls got really serious and a big old mess occurred. At the time I didn't realize there were others, but now it appears there are, and he has a similar "addiction." What did you do!? Do you think change is possible? Did you end it? I'm on the verge of confrontation and probably ending it, but I am curious about anyone else who is in this situation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ocean-caught my husband on dating sites looking for sex only a yr into our marriage. He has told me 4 different stories of long how he was online (from the entire length of our relationship--yrs--to only 2 weeks). He took it down when confronted, said he never met anyone. 

I later discovered that he had another profile on another dating website. Not as salacious, but still there, using pictures that I took of him on OUR wedding day. 

You said, "there were OTHERS" implying more than one. My advice is to cut him off now. Terminate the relationship so he knows you aren't fooling around w/ consequences (or lack of them). 

Why you are "on ther verge" of confrontation and haven't done it yet is a mystery to me. Why would you hold that in? What I used did was print off the profiles and hand them to him. The look on his face--priceless.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> Get rid of him. He's dangerous. He will break your heart and he will move to the next level...having sex with strangers online, or meeting up with old flames et al that pass on their email and mobile numbers to have illicit trysts.
> 
> He'll risk your health, without a care in the world.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

My WH has had lots of this going on -- and he DID take it to the next level. I'm crushed.

Even with evidence, he denies it constantly, tries to make it seem like I'm just misunderstanding what I have read or like he is entitled to his fantasy life if he wants to be. It hurts like hell. We're married and I'm trying to stick it out to see if he will change, but I am losing hope fast.

If you're not married yet and you've caught him at it before and he still hasn't changed, can you imagine what this will turn into once you get married? If you feel like you are strong enough, get out of this relationship. You don't deserve to be with someone who refuses to treat you better. Given that you've caught him at this before, it sounds like he isn't planning on changing at all.

You'll be better off without him and so will your self-esteem.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Betrayed,

You've been with this guy for 6 years and it doesn't sound like he's ever proposed marriage. He's less than committed. He cheated online four years ago and showed remorse only when caught. He lied and went back to his old tricks. Confronted again, he gives some lame (threat?) that if you leave he'd quit his job and move away. Why would you care what he did after you dumped him? With or without the cyber cheating and lying, I don't see much point in hanging on to this guy. 
You said you two "talked" about marriage. If he wanted to marry you, what's been stopping him for the past 4 plus years?


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