# Totally lost at this point



## hardcase119 (Jul 21, 2010)

Hi, I am 41 years old and my wife is 45. We started dating when I was 14 and she was 18. She got pregnant with our first child when I was 17 and we now have four children, the youngest is 15. 

I have been thinking of leaving her lately and don't know what to do. I am so unhappy all the time that I feel like I can't breathe.I am a grown man and almost cry on a daily basis, not at the thought of us breaking up anymore, but at the the thought that I just can't do it. I am so trapped and have no options really.

My wife and I started having problems a couple of years ago and serious problems about six months ago. I think that we may have been having problems for much longer than that and I have just been blind to them. 

In the 28 years that we have been together she has never worked, I do all the cooking in the house, pay all the bills, take the kids to school or wherever they need to go, do all the shopping and pretty much everything else. The only thing I can say with true honesty that I do not do is the laundry. 

I have had issue's in the past with her her lack of affection and lack of appreciation. I have fought for her when we were younger and she had more than one affair...now keep in mind that this was when we were very young so I don't want to make her out like she is a cheater, that is not our issue. She has been faithful to me for over 20 years. 

She seems to be unhappy all the time. My two older daughters have no respect for her and I have to say neither do I anymore. She is so negative all the time and looks at anything that she can in a bad way. To say that she is a glass half empty person is the understatement of the year. She sleeps until noon and stays up till two in the morning every night. She gets mad at me because I am such a light sleeper and I get angry because she wakes me up when she comes to bed and then I can not go back to sleep. 

There are so many things that are bad I can't name them or this would get much longer than it already is. 

I have taken care of her for her entire life (straight from her mother) and she can't function without me. I have recently lost my business and have fallen on hard financial times also, so even if I could figure out a way to leave, it would never work because I could not afford to take care of her, the kids and myself. 

Up until about 6 months ago I was in awe of her. I loved her as much or more than the day I met her. I would still look at her and think she was so beautiful. I didn't want to be without her no matter what I did. We would do everything together and talk on the phone all day everyday while I was at work. But I have lost that feeling.

We have always had a problem with sex. I wanted it to much and she didn't want it that much at all. I look at it from a love stand point and a way to express my affection and love. It made me feel good emotionally. I decided a while back to stop pestering her about it and just let it go. That is when I started noticing all of these things and started growing apart from her. 

I know she loves me and that's one of the things that makes this so hard. She is a miserable person really so it makes no sense. I have exhausted every avenue that I can think of to make her happy with little success. I am not sure, but I really have felt like her love is more of a love like the way you love your best friend or something though, she doesn't seem to have any passion and that really has always made me think.....what am I?

I know that I have enabled a lot of this and it has been because I just wanted her to be happy. But I really don't know what to do anymore. I am drowning. I went from being depressed all the time that I don't feel loved, to being depressed of the reality that I will never be loved like I am loving her, to numbness. I don't know if I can get back the feelings that I have always had for her and that scares me.

I recently started talking to an old friend online (woman) and hid it from my wife. This woman wanted me in a sexual way very badly and expressed it all the time though email. I told my wife that I was talking to her but didn't tell her that I was flirting with her and made up a fake email address. She found out and it hurt her and made her angry at the same time. The thing is, It was nice to here compliments and have someone want you. I have NEVER cheated on my wife....but I guess this is kind of cheating. I need that, I need someone to want me and I can't cheat on her, but at the same time, I can't leave and it's killing me. 

I wish that I could have it all back, I wish that I could MAKE myself care the way I did before about her. Maybe I do and it's just tucked away deep inside of me. The bad thing is, she is the only one that can pull it back out and I don't think that's going to happen. 

I want to be happy and feel like it's slipping away. I know that 41 is not an old man, but it's not young either. I really don't know what to do and don't want to spend whatever life I have left just begging for someone to show me that they love me. I want to be happy. If the only way to be happy is to leave her, I wont be happy knowing that she will not be happy...so I guess there is no real answer here.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well the first thing you should do is end the emotional affair, there is no way you can work on your marriage while in a an emotional affair.

You might want to concider chatting with Affair care who helps people who have these type problems and may be able to help rebuild your marriage. You have kids to think of so the thought of just riding out into the sunset and living happy ever after is not going to happen.


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## yenny 05 (Jul 21, 2010)

I think you just need to end it....


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## Wetcheeks (Feb 1, 2010)

Hardcase, your pain and the conflict you feel are evident and I can empathize with what you are going through. A couple of things: it's pretty obvious that your wife needs some help but the emotional affair isn't a good idea, even though it feels like your only source of validation at this time, you need to end the EA immediately and seek support from a therapist who is safe and level headed and can give you the time and space to clarify how you really feel about all of these things... you mention a lot of big changes i.e. loss of business and income, youngest child approaching adulthood, your recent resentment (don't get me wrong, not without justification) of her lack of involvement or engagement with anything, you don't say whether or not she even knows that your level of unhappiness is approaching complete dissolution of your marriage? You are facing some very trying times just to figure out what you actually want from yourself or her and it can help more than you know to get some perspective and assistance in trying to figure all that out, try a counselor or a support group and definitely keep talking to people here. Your wife may likely need help of her own with depression and other issues but you have to help yourself first and foremost and regardless of past issues, I think you already know that the EA is not the way to go forward...Good luck and peace...


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## hardcase119 (Jul 21, 2010)

Just for the record.....

That "emotional affair" went on for about a week and was over four months ago. 

I was watching a movie As good as it gets and Jack Nicholson said something that hit home with me, he said "What if this is it? What if this is as good as it gets". I think of those words all of the time. The reality is, this is my life.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well then I think you should lay your feelings out on the table and tell her you cant stay in the relationship unless things change.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You may have not kept the EA going, but it is still right THERE in your brain - affecting ALL your thoughts and emotions. Odd how you were in awe of your wife...until right around the time another woman wanted you. 

Not a dis, that's just how affairs work. They make you suddenly 'realize' how bad your life is. While you were fine with it until then, until you had an OPTION. So now, how to get the genie back in the bottle so you can go back to being in awe? 

Well, maybe you shouldn't. Maybe you should consider this your wakeup call. Your one chance in life to get it right and spend the next 30 years totally in love with your wife and vice versa.

Go to the library and get the book His Needs Her Needs, and sit down and read it this week. Then explain it to your wife. Sit down together and come up with a plan to CHANGE your marriage so you will both be happy and fulfilled.


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