# Had an affair not sure where to go from here



## kgall6268 (Jun 23, 2010)

I have been married almost 15 years. My marriage was troubled for approx 10 years with alcholism, now my husband has been sober for about 5yrs. We have a son and through it all I stayed for my son. I dated another guy before my marriage that I loved and knew he loved me. I pushed him away several times because I thought he was too good to be true. He called me a few days before my wedding and pride kept me from calling things off and following my heart. Fast forward about 13 years, I ran into him again through my husband of all people. (my husband never knew him before) He is married with kids and so am I. We still love each other and acted on it. Now we only check in on birthdays holidays because we realized no matter love ect. It is wrong. I've decided not to devastate my husband, no need to hurt him. I've thought about cutting all ties with the OM but is that necessary?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Yes!


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

yes.


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

You know exactly where to go from here. You need to say good bye to the OM. You aren't just ruining your marriage, you are ruining his too. There is another person besides your husband that you aren't thinking about and that is the OM's wife. Have you ever been cheated on by someone you love more than anything in the world. Finding out is the most gut wrenching pain there is and it doesn't go away. It's always there and hurts like beyond hurt. You may have decided not to tell your H, but what if he tells his wife or what if she finds out and what if she tells your H? I am married to an alcoholic, have been for 5 years. I know what that's like. But, your H has overcome it. That's is very rare and amazing. Congratulations to him. That is hard to do. I don't know if my H will ever do that. He must really love you and his family.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Yeah, you are gonna have to cut ties honey. You know it was wrong, and now you have to take steps to make sure it never happens again. He has a wife and kids. You have a husband and kids. You guys are playing with fire and now there is a chance all of you ( including your kids) will get burned. Walk away and tell him not to contact you anymore.


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## kgall6268 (Jun 23, 2010)

I've stayed in this marriage long before this affair because of my son. My husband is sober and he does care for us but our marriage is more of a habit. He takes me for granted. If someone told him about this affair, he wouldn't believe it. I do need to cut off all ties with the OM. It is easier said than done however. Its good to get collaboration on what I know I must do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kgall6268 said:


> My husband is sober and he does care for us but our marriage is more of a habit. He takes me for granted.


So FIX it. You are 50% of your marriage. Take ownership of your own responsibility.


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## kgall6268 (Jun 23, 2010)

Can't fix anyone else but myself; learned that in Alanon. Thanks all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I said fix your marriage. THAT you have control over, because his 50% reacts to YOUR 50%.

Or are you just looking for permission to keep in contact with your ex?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

kgall6268 said:


> Can't fix anyone else but myself; learned that in Alanon. Thanks all.


Yes but now you are using that wisdom to avoid confronting an issue that you need to address. 

You can not change your husband--this is absolutely true. In order for there to be a change in him, he would need to be the one who wants to change. BUT in order for him to realize that a change is needed, you do need to let him know there is an issue and make a request for the changes you would like.

Part of the issue is that even though contact with the OM is minimal, continuing contact also continues "not dedicating 100% of your affection and loyalty to only your spouse." Even with little contact, you minimize the OM weaknesses and emphasize his strengths...while simultaneously minimizing your hubby's strengths and maximizing his weaknesses! See this article to help explain more: The Purpose Of No Contact

Thus, I would suggest immediately writing a NO CONTACT letter, deleting the OM from your cell, email, facebook, etc. and then "dedicating 100% of your affection and loyalty to ONLY YOUR SPOUSE." This means that you will need to address the issues in your marriage.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

I agree with Turnera. You can fix your marriage, and that is done by working on your '50%' of the marriage. In reality, marriage is NOT a 50/50 thing - it's a 100/100 thing. Marriage must be deliberate, never passive. 

You need to end all contact with the other man because as long as you labor under the idea that you 'love' him - to that extent you are withholding love from your spouse, the one to whom you vowed love. Love is NOT a feeling - it is action. Whatever it is that you feel for the Other Man (affection, lust, etc.) is largely imagined, you have no real time invested with him, only a trip through the 'fond memories' land, which you use as a comparison with reality. Its no wonder imagination wins out. You can always think of a scenario where the Other Man solves the problem, gives the right touch, etc. In reality? Who knows?

Until you begin to seek out the problems in your marriage and begin work on them, they will remain. Until you seek out the positives in your marriage and concentrate on them, you will only see the negative...

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Now playing: Medwyn Goodall - Reaching For The Sky
via FoxyTunes


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

kgall, You've received some excellent advice here. They've touched on almost every point I would have.

You say your marriage has become a habit. As the other's pointed out this is not just your husband's responsibility to fix. In order for change to occur in a consistent environment, one of the constants must change. Since you are the only one you can control, YOU are the impetus for change, NOT your husband.

If he is withdrawn and you react in a withdrawn manner it does not fix the issue. If your husband treats you like a habit and you treat him as a habit in return it does not change the issue. If you want real change to occur then you must look at marriage as an "OUTWARD BOUND" relationship. YOU are responsible to put the spark back in the marriage. YOU are the one who must take the initiative to change the atmosphere. 

Let's look at an example. Your husband comes home from work while you are in the kitchen fixing dinner, throws a hi honey, I'm home at you and then goes straight to the living room and turns on the tv. You have several options. 

a) You can stay in the kitchen and continue fixing dinner grumbling to yourself because he doesn't appreciate you and takes you for granted.

b) You can go in the living room and turn the tv off and let him know that you're tired of being taken for granted then stomp back to the kitchen to continue fixing dinner.

c) You can go to the living room, set down in his lap, reach over turn off the tv and say honey, I've missed being close to you.

Ok, those are all choices YOU can make and many others. In response (a) you make NO change in the relationship and imbed yourself further into anger and resentment. In response (b) you probably make a change in the relationship but likely not for the better because either he will get angry at you for controlling him and/or you will get angry because he doesn't change. In response (c) you let him know there is an issue (I'm lonely, I missed you, I want to be shown that you care) and you've given him the knowledge that HE is the one you missed, the one you want to be close to, the one that matters to you.

Now, there are some men I suppose who would push you off of their lap but most will not. Why? Because they are humans and want to be wanted too.

Anyway, that's just an example of the change YOU can start making in your marriage. Once the cycle of action/reaction and neglecting/resentment has a new impetus in the mix it's amazing how quickly things CAN change. BUT, it takes YOUR effort and YOUR committment to bring about that change.

Just my $0.02.
Lost


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Awesome advice.


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## kgall6268 (Jun 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> I said fix your marriage. THAT you have control over, because his 50% reacts to YOUR 50%.
> 
> Or are you just looking for permission to keep in contact with your ex?


No, misread your comment I think. Some women think they can "FIX" men. I have deleted email address, phone numbers ect to the OM. I am not asking permission to stay in contact with the OM. I am responsible for my part of my marriage and agree with another person commenting that it's 100% on each side, so responsible my husband doesn't understand why I'm lonely or feel our marriage needs work.


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## kgall6268 (Jun 23, 2010)

Runawaytrain said:


> You know exactly where to go from here. You need to say good bye to the OM. You aren't just ruining your marriage, you are ruining his too. There is another person besides your husband that you aren't thinking about and that is the OM's wife. Have you ever been cheated on by someone you love more than anything in the world. Finding out is the most gut wrenching pain there is and it doesn't go away. It's always there and hurts like beyond hurt. You may have decided not to tell your H, but what if he tells his wife or what if she finds out and what if she tells your H? I am married to an alcoholic, have been for 5 years. I know what that's like. But, your H has overcome it. That's is very rare and amazing. Congratulations to him. That is hard to do. I don't know if my H will ever do that. He must really love you and his family.


Yes I have been cheated on repeatedly with my first husband. I know it is gut wrenching, so I've asked myself why or how I could possibly do this to someone else i.e. my reason for not telling him. 

I really never thought he would quit drinking either; really didn't think he could. Lots of prayers from all involved and I read in one book if the co-depenant can work on themselves and recover, the alcoholic has an 80% chance of recovery. I went to work and it took a lot of "tough love" as they call it. Willingness on my part to let go if needed and it took a lot of work on his part too. It wasn't for us (family) that he got sober it was for himself. That part is good because if it is done for someone else, sobriety normally doesn't last. Thanks for your comments.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

All the best to you , and good luck in keeping your marriage together, hope you can turn it around to find happiness therein..


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## gecko (Jan 20, 2011)

you loved a man that didnt take responsibility for you. your husband did. i think ur love shouldve been reserved for that which earned it. 
love isnt a joke, u cant love someone unless uve been through life ith that person. you need to forget the hollywood romance nonsense. 

ur absolutely right in resentig ur husbands alcoholism. u had every right to walk out of that marriage. but instead of fronting up, u cheated. so at this point, ur the guilty one , u simply used ur hubbys issue to fuel ur corrupt behaviour. 

u should come clean, with whatever dignitys left inside you, and accept the consequences.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

OP, do you ever propose to tell your husband the truth, or are you going to continue the affair by your deception? Cutting off contact with the OM is only half the job. To truly re-commit to your marriage you now have to tell the truth, or your marriage is still a lie.


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## MayfairJaz (Jan 17, 2011)

You ARE I'm sure going to do the right thing, which is work hard on the marriage that you have. I'm sure that you know that this OM is a fantasy "a knight in shining" and the reality is that your memories have probably left you feeling that old statement the grass is greener. 

If the OM is married and still wants to "play with your heart" well that will only end in sorrow as the question of can he be trusted will be buried somewhere with your mind. 

An old flame is just that - do not re-ignite I beg you ...


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