# Introduction



## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Hello All..

I have been lurking here for some time. I figured I would post. I am married now for 27 years and together for 28. We have definitely had our ups and downs. What brought me to this site was my husband’s declaration that “we either work on our marriage, have a open one or divorce.”. 
I believe there were a number of factors that led to this discussion. Being cooped up in Covid did not help.. his depression did not help.. his jealousy.. his whining about how awful he always feels.. his escaping the daily raising of our 3 children..(they are grown now18,21,24) these and a few other reasons lead to my distancing myself and really not feeling very attracted to him. He was not acting like a partner but more like another child that I had to take care of.

He was claiming that we were having a sexless marriage. Honestly it had been less but not as infrequently as he was saying. There were a few things that basically made me feel bad and not sexual in many ways toward him. Him not being romantic .. just groping me.. waking up in bed to him on the computer watching porn.. him changing his phone password and not letting me see it.. not letting me see his computer.. coming home from work and napping until dinner.. not helping in any way after.. much resentment was built. 
Well that is enough for now.. but we are trying to work some of this out. We talk more now and are sexual. I can explain more if you all have questions.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

I would suggest that if he mentions an open marriage, that is exactly what he wants or thinks he wants, the rest is just filler. There aren’t a lot of details in your history from your post, but a couple things stand out. He is into porn so that may be his replacement for lack of intimacy, especially if he’s masturbating to it. The other is his phone and the secrecy around it. Not wanting you to see it indicates there is something there he doesn’t want you to see. Do you suspect he’s having an affair? 

Other questions, what is he jealous about? What is he whining about? How has he not been a good partner? Questions like that are relevant. 

27 years is a big investment, make sure you don’t get into a battle of who wronged who the most. Those arguments don’t often get solved as they kind of stagnate while the spouse is waiting for the other spouse to start. Do you still love each other? Do you want intimacy with each other? Assuming you want to work on the marriage, what does that look like? He wants sex and you don’t feel like being sexual with him according to you post. How would you move forward? You say he is not helpful and that’s legitimate, what would you want him to do specifically that might get you int a better place not only to be intimate but to work on the issues?


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> I would suggest that if he mentions an open marriage, that is exactly what he wants or thinks he wants, the rest is just filler. There aren’t a lot of details in your history from your post, but a couple things stand out. He is into porn so that may be his replacement for lack of intimacy, especially if he’s masturbating to it. The other is his phone and the secrecy around it. Not wanting you to see it indicates there is something there he doesn’t want you to see. Do you suspect he’s having an affair?
> 
> Other questions, what is he jealous about? What is he whining about? How has he not been a good partner? Questions like that are relevant.
> 
> 27 years is a big investment, make sure you don’t get into a battle of who wronged who the most. Those arguments don’t often get solved as they kind of stagnate while the spouse is waiting for the other spouse to start. Do you still love each other? Do you want intimacy with each other? Assuming you want to work on the marriage, what does that look like? He wants sex and you don’t feel like being sexual with him according to you post. How would you move forward? You say he is not helpful and that’s legitimate, what would you want him to do specifically that might get you int a better place not only to be intimate but to work on the issues?


Our history is that we met at work and ate lunch together for 6 months before he asked me out. I have had more relationship experience that he did. I was 26 and he was 25. I had 2 significant relationships before him. One was in college and he was wrongfully killed.. and then I was with my second bf for 5 years. I moved out of that relationship on my own and got my stuff together.. got my career on track secured a job and worked on me. I did therapy during that time. I lived on my own for almost 2 years.

Yes I do believe that the porn was a filler for the lack of intimacy. I don’t mind that he watches it on his own but to watch it there while I am next to him is a lack of respect for me.

We have always been good friends even during this whole distancing thing. I feel like I heard open marriage.. and that was all. I have talked to him after this and he said that he was ‘thinking about cheating and did not want to.”. I have always told him that if he wanted to be with others that he needed to talk to me. I believe that you should be free to move on if that is what you want. He told me he wanted to work on our marriage and that he felt I did not love him anymore.. I do love him. He had told me... I like you but don’t love you.. I said well... I love you but don’t like you. He has since said that he meant “in love” feeling. We both love each other.

I believe he was jealous of our children and the time I spent supporting them in travel ball(sports) and music. I never put our kids first but they are all equals. Except he never took the kids anywhere.. went to their activities.. practiced with them.. etc. It all fell on me. There was no feeling of a partnership. We have talked about this and he has been better.. but the kids are grown now and do not require us to drive them places.

The whining is about him not feeling good.. sick.. head ache.. back hurts.. sinus problems.. vertigo..whatever he happens to feel he shares.. He is NOT that sick. He just wants pity and attention. This goes back to him wanting me to mother him ... which turns me off.

I have been intimate with him even during these times. Maybe not to the frequency he wanted. We had lots of sex pre kids.. and with each kid it lessened... we have 3 kids not more than 2 years apart. I breast fed them all and quit my job to stay home and raise them. There was a hard transition for me from sexy wife to full time mom.. with some health stuff. I had little sleep and he did not wake or help during these time. We were having sex during this time.. just maybe once a week.
I felt at times like my body was not mine. Most of the sex was about gratifying him. I know how to get myself off but at this time I was exhausted. 

Let me know if I left anything off


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

How often are you having sex, and how often does he think he wants it?


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Sfort said:


> How often are you having sex, and how often does he think he wants it?


In the last couple of months we have been having sex 4-5 times a week. Before covid it was maybe 2x a month. Which even for me was not enough.. as I would have liked more intimacy. I feel like there were times where I did it.. mad sex.. duty sex.. vanilla sex..because it was expected.. not because I was hungry for it.

I just wanted the sex to be more of mutual pleasure and not just a feel up.. oral for him him just getting off and going to sleep. I felt before there was little concern of my needs. This has been an issue as I feel he is somewhat selfish in many aspects.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Mentioning an open marriage is a warning sign, it means he’s thinking about it and even though he says he didn’t want to, he still mentioned it. That’s a threat. Maybe he might want to next time? As for porn, you’re right, if it’s replacing you while you’re there it’s disrespectful. Porn doesn’t really do a marriage any good anyway, it’s an escape and a way to get yourself off without the emotional element around it, it’s cheap and easy.

My wife and I have three kids and while they were growing up it did impact our relationship, how can it not but you have to be equal partners. She left a career to raise the kids and it can be difficult. But it sounds like he was a fourth kid who feels left out, especially with his complaints – seems like an attention-getter.

If you love each other and want things to work, he has to knock off the porn and commit. He also needs to explain the open-marriage comment, it doesn’t jibe with wanting to work on a marriage, it sounds more like wanting to leave one. If it’s a comment out of frustration, you can accept that or not. “I love you but don’t like you” or “I like you but don’t love you,” are flip answers in the end but they mean something and it’s that meaning behind those remarks that has to be aired out in discussion if you want things to get better. Your children are grown, it seems nothing is keeping you from some good (but maybe hard) communication.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Pip’sJourney said:


> Hello All..
> 
> I have been lurking here for some time. I figured I would post. I am married now for 27 years and together for 28. We have definitely had our ups and downs. What brought me to this site was my husband’s declaration that “we either work on our marriage, have a open one or divorce.”.
> I believe there were a number of factors that led to this discussion. Being cooped up in Covid did not help.. his depression did not help.. his jealousy.. his whining about how awful he always feels.. his escaping the daily raising of our 3 children..(they are grown now18,21,24) these and a few other reasons lead to my distancing myself and really not feeling very attracted to him. He was not acting like a partner but more like another child that I had to take care of.
> ...


Take him up on his offer to divorce.

You make it sound like you were married to a monster so I am kind of not understanding why you want to stay?

What I get from your post is you were busy doing the kids stuff, he didn't help. He complained too much and you lost respect. You are not that interested in having sex with him, and you are both unhappy. 

In fact the only reason I can see for you guys staying together is that you have had a long marriage. Neither one of you is happy, what am I missing here, it seems like a slam dunk.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Take him up on his offer to divorce.
> 
> You make it sound like you were married to a monster so I am kind of not understanding why you want to stay?
> 
> ...


That is a bit harsh. He is not a monster but to give an over view of 27years is hard to do in a few short paragraphs. He is smart, funny, i always thought loyal, kind, a good provider, I love the way he looks at me.. but we built walls.. he did and I did. Those walls were very strong and tall. After we had the “open marriage” conversation we talked.. a lot... He wanted me to want to stay.. to work on things.. to admit I wanted him. We did have sex.. sexapaloosa.. as we called it. At some point I was not that interested, but that changed after he came to me and wanted to work on it. He had to do some changing to be an actual partner. I can not force him to change... no one can make another change. That has to come from within that other person. My sexual desire for him returned to where it was pre kids.. I do want him. In part because he actually is not being a whiny child and actually trying to be a mature husband. So while I am a bit gun shy we are in a better place now.

The phone and computer thing bugged me until I asked him to let me see them.. eventually he said yes... which by that point he could have erased what ever he did not want me to see. He said he journals in the computer.. and there was some sensitive material... the phone he claimed he had chatted with an old college friend and I could read it if I wanted to. He still has not given me his passcode for either... He has said I could look at them with him there. Not sure how I feel about that.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Could your husband be on this forum?
How did you find it yourself, was it a “pop up” or did you search for it yourself.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Could your husband be on this forum?
> How did you find it yourself, was it a “pop up” or did you search for it yourself.


It is possible that he is on here.. but I searched for topics and the forum came up. I do not think he knows I have posted here.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Pip’sJourney said:


> The phone and computer thing bugged me until I asked him to let me see them.. eventually he said yes... which by that point he could have erased what ever he did not want me to see. He said he journals in the computer.. and there was some sensitive material... the phone he claimed he had chatted with an old college friend and I could read it if I wanted to. He still has not given me his passcode for either... He has said I could look at them with him there. Not sure how I feel about that.


This is pretty suspicious behavior, coupled with asking for an open marriage, very questionable. Usually a spouse poses that option after they've done something with someone else and want to have a post tryst justification or an easier time carrying on seeing someone outside the marriage.

Phone guarding is classic sign of infidelity.

You've got some major red flags. Add in years of complaints of sexless marriage.... you probably need to dig into this to see what has really been going on.


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