# Update...One person can make a difference!



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thank you to everyone who has offerd me advice and support. This has been the roughest 4 months of my life but we truly have turned the corner so I wanted to give you all an update as well as say thanks.

To catch you up to speed I began posting in June when I suddenly realized my marriage was on the rocks. Husband hanging out too much with the couple next door and an 18 year old girl (another neighbor and our babysitter), didn't seem to want me around and suddenly pulled away from me and the kids. When I told him it bothered me he pretty much told me that our marriage was in trouble, the passion and intense love he'd felt was gone, and he was unhappy with me. Made it seem all my fault (I worked too much no time for him, he was in the best shape of his life and I wasn't, he was caring for the kids much more than me...etc.). Although he was very unfair, there was some truth to these issues and I thought I could "fix" them.

I knew I could either get mad and leave him or try to make this a happy family again so I set my mind that I could make this a happy home again and I knew I could make a difference even if he didn't. I tried very hard, took more on my shoulders, and he didn't even seem to notice or care. In fact at one point he said he was about 50/50 if he wanted to continue the marriage! Although I felt intensely depressed I kept it all in. This is where you all helped me so much, it was my outlet. 

In August I found out why we were so disconnected and why his personality seemed to have changed. He was this angry guy who was uninterested in his family (opposite of the way he used to be). He was having an affair with the 18 year old. I guess I knew it all along..but wanted to deny it. That was enough, I wasn't wasting this effort on someone who didn't love me or deserve it. I told him to leave. 

It was a turning point for him. He said he threw away everything he had for no reason, he had everything he wanted all along but just failed to see it. I agreed to try to reconcile. That is the path we are on now. 

He is trying very hard. He calls and texts me throughout the day to let me know where he is and ask me how I'm doing or sends me notes just to say he loves me. He was awful about communication (major contributor to our issues) and he's really worked on that and opened up and supported me as I have many ups and downs. 

I have focused less on work and more on my family and definately more time on me. I have just reached my goal weight and I am now in the best shape of my life. I have no trouble keeping up with him running or anything else, in fact I run 6-7 days a week (this is a real stress reliever too!) and he runs 2-3. 

To those people wondering if one person in a couple trying can make a difference, the answer is yes. My husband said what woke him up was the fact that I'd become this confident and positive person, like I used to be and it re-ignited his feelings. We were both responsible by not focusing on our relationship. We always put our kids first but we got lost in the shuffle and just let it float along until it got really bad. 

Its not all perfect. I have flashes of things he'd said to me that hurt, or remembering things that he did, and my imagination always is cruel to me by flashing pictures of them together. I know that all takes time to heal. Trust is building, though I'm far from completely trusting him. 

As for the neighbors, they are nuts and wanted to be part of the drama, they are no longer our friends as a result but are moving a little further down the street (they are renting) and the girl he had an affair with was living with her parents and just moved out to an apartment somewhere else. This definately helps. 

He asked me the other day if I could think of anything he could say or do to help the healing process that he wasn't already doing. I wish I could think of something but I couldn't. I don't want us both waking up every day with the thought of what happened on our mind but right now it is. So I told him just keep doing what you are doing and we will get there, both of us. :smthumbup:


----------



## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

I'm very happy for you. It's good to see a relationship work when BOTH want to make it right. You made the first step. That's what counts!


----------



## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Congrats!!!!!!!!

I am sooo happy that things are working out for you and your family.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I am always glad to see a success story, of a person getting over or fixing a serious relationship issue. You have a lot of wisdom to share as well. I am sure you did as much for proplr on the forums as all of us did for you.

draconis


----------



## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

I am in a similar situation myself. My wife is "done" with the marriage and is playing an online game where she is getting a lot of attention. I have lost my confidence and this is very unattractive to her.

You can see my post here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-says-i-m-not-love-you-she-wants-divorce.html

What was it that helped you gain your confidence? Did you have to stop caring in your mind so that it didn't bother you (even though you really did care)? Please share your wisdom with me as I am in dire need to save my marriage. I need to show my wife that I am a strong and confident man/husband/father in this family and that she is missing out.

Thanks,

-Alli


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

That is awesome news, AZMOM. I'm really happy for you and am encouraged as I'm hoping my situation takes the same path (seems like maybe it's starting to). Congrats and keep up the great work! :smthumbup:


----------



## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Im very happy for you!


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Very good, AZMOM! 

I'm so glad to hear you're making it! You took the harder choice (instead of running away) and made the decision to make things better (whether or not it was your fault) and the result is that now you can see you can make a life together, not just sit and brood. 

When you're both old and gray, remind him that it was you who put it all back together!  No, don't do that...  But you'll know it! 

Congratulations!


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

KittyKat said:


> I'm very happy for you. It's good to see a relationship work when BOTH want to make it right. You made the first step. That's what counts!


Thank you for your support, it means the world. All of you helped me stay positive and do what needed to be done for me, my kids and my marriage. I'm by no means over this and we have some issues but I honestly think we will make it and have a stronger marriage in the end. I still have trust issues but I'm building some trust back in him. Its going to be consistency that will prove to me he should be trusted again. I have no answer how long that will take, I think taking it one day at a time is important.

Here is something odd....I was hitting one of those low points just kept torturing myself with pictures in my mind of the two of them and getting more and more upset. I was thinking how much he needed to call or text me (he frequently does during the day now) because I needed him to comfort me and rassure me. Then my phone rang! He called me to tell me something fun about his day and sensed my mood. He did not get defensive he just said he hoped what he said cheered me up, it did and he kept talking. I knew he was in the middle of work but he spent 45 minutes with me until my mood improved. It made me realize we have a very strong bond that was resilient even in the face of betrayal. I could never go through this again, so it is his one and only chance but I think he will prove that I made the right choice.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

loveandmarriage said:


> Congrats!!!!!!!!
> 
> I am sooo happy that things are working out for you and your family.


Thank you! It is so great to know that people like you are out there who care. Its given me a lot of comfort when I needed it most.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

draconis said:


> I am always glad to see a success story, of a person getting over or fixing a serious relationship issue. You have a lot of wisdom to share as well. I am sure you did as much for proplr on the forums as all of us did for you.
> 
> draconis


Draconis,

Thank you, your advice and support has meant the world to me. Always sound and objective. Its helped me more than you will ever know.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

alliistah said:


> I am in a similar situation myself....
> What was it that helped you gain your confidence? Did you have to stop caring in your mind so that it didn't bother you (even though you really did care)? Please share your wisdom with me as I am in dire need to save my marriage. I need to show my wife that I am a strong and confident man/husband/father in this family and that she is missing out.
> 
> Thanks,
> ...


Alli,

I read your post and I am sorry to see what you are going through but I already sense your positive attitude and this will make a world of difference. We control our attitude and behavior. Sometimes its frustrating because you change and you want to see immediate results. Someone here with a lot of wisdom told me I planted seeds but watching the grass grow I won't see daily progress. So true! 

I could never stop caring, as much as I tried. But I didn't dote on him. I gave him space as much as I could (I couldn't help myself asking if he thought we were doing better, etc. Sometimes that would end in a difficult and emotional conversation and twice he walked out). But I became more independent, did things with just me and the kids, joined a single mom's group, did things with friends I'd neglected for too long, and spent a lot of time working out either with a friend or alone. 

I made a decision that I WILL be a more positive person no matter what and if it didn't work out that I was worthy and able to go on and find another relationship. I didn't want to but I refused to think my world would end. What kind of role model would I be to the kids? My husband was treating me awful so I had to do something so my son would not think it was ok to treat his wife like that some day and my daughter would not think she had to just take it. That kept me going. I knew I could not put in 110% forever and get zero back. My mother's mother did this and it was so detrimental to her, she ended up begging her mother to leave her father. I would not do that to my kids. 

So I did set a time limit, if he gave me any sign that this was moving in the right direction then I'd keep trying. He did in fact come around long before that but still carried on the affair (which I did not know at that time). But then he was really torn so he was one moody guy. I thought mid-life crisis, depression or??? I made him an appointment with a counselor told him he could go or not. He actually seemed grateful and went. Then D-Day came and I discovered (through pictures emailed) the affair and threw him out. He begged me to talk about it, but I very publicly said no way and unfortunately made it pretty clear why (argument happened outside, kids not there though). He kept saying "but your my wife". 

He left and called his friend to come stay with me, he was really worried. I just wanted to be alone and finally his friend said he was going to go talk to him and was gone for several hours. When he returned he told me my husband broke down in tears (he's cried maybe TWICE in his life!) and he'd said he knew he ruined his entire life and he knew I would not take him back. He was right at that moment, I refused to answer his texts and calls. 

When I did call him back eventually I told him it was over. He said he knew but would I still go to counseling with him. Then I listened and realized the regret he had and he was 110% on committed to doing whatever it took so I changed my mind. I did tell him that there were no guarantees that he could be 110% committed and I may never learn to trust him anyway would he take that chance? He said absolutely. 

I have become a stronger person for what I went through and have so much pride in myself for no longer being weak and taking him back "no matter what". I was putting up with a lot and I just took it but when I began to tell myself that I didn't deserve it and that I could do better I changed. Many people actually told me how much I changed (and other than immediate neighbors no one knows what we went through even our families). When I began working out and people started to notice, I needed their comments it helped my confidence. I don't anymore, I am proud of how I look and I no longer need my husband or outside people to tell me (although that is always nice) but that is when I knew I was a more confident person. 

I felt I'd accepted him back on my terms. He violated the trust and he damaged our family and he hurt me so deeply but he also hurt our children. I told him I was better off without him unless he changed. He also needed to learn how to communicate and be completely open. I also believe its a two way street so I continue to put in 110% too. For my part I continue to try to be a better person every day. We all make mistakes and handle things wrong so you just move on from that and keep trying. He has told me how proud he is of me.

You haven't reached this "rock bottom point" so obviously your communication to your wife won't be like this. But had we addressed these issues much earlier on, we never would have hit the bottom like we did. If he'd have come to me and told me how he felt we could have made the changes that we needed to build a stronger, healthier marriage. This is where you are at now, she has indicated she's unhappy and you can see how you have contributed so forget what she told you about the divorce, we all say things when we are hurting and frustrated and remember why the two of you fell in love to begin with and put the love and fun back in to your marriage.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> That is awesome news, AZMOM. I'm really happy for you and am encouraged as I'm hoping my situation takes the same path (seems like maybe it's starting to). Congrats and keep up the great work! :smthumbup:


Thank you! I'm gald to hear that your situation has taken a positive turn as well and I wish you all the best.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Dancing Nancie said:


> Im very happy for you!


Thank you!!!!


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

dcrim said:


> Very good, AZMOM!
> 
> I'm so glad to hear you're making it! You took the harder choice (instead of running away) and made the decision to make things better (whether or not it was your fault) and the result is that now you can see you can make a life together, not just sit and brood.
> 
> ...


Thank you! Most times the harder road leads to better things. In this case it is definately true.


----------



## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Alli,
> 
> I read your post and I am sorry to see what you are going through but I already sense your positive attitude and this will make a world of difference. We control our attitude and behavior. Sometimes its frustrating because you change and you want to see immediate results. Someone here with a lot of wisdom told me I planted seeds but watching the grass grow I won't see daily progress. So true!
> 
> ...


I just wanted to thank you for writing this post. You have no idea what I felt after I read it. You go girl! And for me.... Well, it's time for a change. Thanks again! :smthumbup:


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO,

What a great post...it is always nice to hear success stories & yours in particular required so much strength on your end (with the crazies still in the neighborhood)

When your biggest worry is to worry about how your spouse is feeling & the same holds true for him, I think you know you're in a great place within your marriage!


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

swedish said:


> AZMOMOFTWO,
> 
> What a great post...it is always nice to hear success stories & yours in particular required so much strength on your end (with the crazies still in the neighborhood)
> 
> When your biggest worry is to worry about how your spouse is feeling & the same holds true for him, I think you know you're in a great place within your marriage!



Thank you! And thanks so much for your support.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

AZ MOM...

i thought for sure i'd be reading about your spouse being found in a shallow grave or trunk of a rental car for sure. wasn't yours the one who had the "thing" for the 18 yr old neighbor?

congrats...this is a major success!

yea!!!


----------

