# Is cybersex cheating??



## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

I'll try to be short....

Married 16 yrs, 2 kids

Husband very controlling, almost to the point of being emotionally abusive. Tells me what to wear, who to talk to, who I can be friends with. If I stand up to him, he will make it a huge fight, tell me I am being selfish and immature, and will bring the kids into it saying I am not thinking about their well being at all. (if I want to work out at 5am...so I don't disrupt my time with them...really???!!) He accuses me of cheating if I don't answer my phone on the first ring, and he has gone through all my personal belongings in our home in search of an affair, because I am not "open" with him on EVERYTHING in my life....like what my girlfriends and I talk about when we talk; or personal details about my mom's marriage that she has confidentially told me about.

10 yrs ago, while H was living in another state away from me and the kids working, he admitted to me that he had cybersex with other women every night. He told me "this is what other 30 something married people do for entertainment." He introduced me to how to have cybersex, forced me to be naked in front of a webcam. I resisted at first. but then gave in thinking it would save our marriage. Keep in mind that I have always had the higher sex drive, and I am very open minded to porn, toys, etc. This "real" people thing freaked me out a bit, and I resisted, but again, gave in and explored cybersex because I thought my marriage would be saved if he let me into his world. He often talked about us meeting these cyber-people in real life, and he even yelled at me when I said that I really wouldn't be interested in meeting any of these people in person. He even took nude and lingerie pictures of me, with the idea that he "thought" I was beautiful, and he wanted to keep the pictures for his own use. I was devestated to find out that he used these pictures to lure other couples/people online to chat/cybersex with him when he was out of town because, as he said "people are more open to talking/playing if you are a couple on the internet, instead of some single weirdo guy." So, I guess I was pimped out by my own husband for his own desires.

This forever tainted me, and the way I feel about our marriage. I do believe this is why our marriage has been strained for many years, and I believe he is so controlling and accusing of me because he KNOWS how easy it is to get involved with things. During this time, he barely wanted to have sex with me, even though he was out of time for six weeks at a time. 

I am a very sexually open (with HIM ONLY) woman and I am open to many things. But, he does not have a sex drive, at least with me anyway. He will not go to counseling, and I am not sure what else I can do. 

Would you consider cybersex in this way cheating??


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Holy mother of God.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Cyber sex is cheating, plain and simple. His comment that "this is what other 30 something married people do for entertainment." is a load of bs. Other 30 something married people do NOT do this...unless they are having an affair or if they are doing it with their spouses ONLY. My first impression of this is that he is already seeing someone and wanted to get YOU to do the same thing. But, yes, cyber sex is cheating. If you don't want to go along with his bs, then don't. Tell him point blank that you are no longer doing this, whether he likes it or not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Umm... usually I suggest counselling, individual and couple's counselling and reconciliation. 

I think now, in your case, all I can think of is to tell you to seek a speedy divorce.

Sorry you have had to go through this. Really, really sorry.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Good grief. I wish this entire story was made up. Yes it's cheating and from everything you said its not the only thing he's doing. Spy on him key logger on the computer software on his phone gps and voice activated recorder in his car. Private detectives if you can afford it. Get a lawyer and get ready for divorce. Get tested for stds. Don't have sex with him. Do what your lawyer tells you and get away from him as soon as you can do so safely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

Thx for all of your honest thoughts. Here is the sickest part of this story----I forgave and I forgot about it. With so much going on with us relocating out of state for his new job at the time, I pretty much forgave him, and went on with life. 

Fast forward 10 years--kids are a bit older so I don't have that distracting me from issues in our marriage. I finally have time to have a life of my own, a job, friends, interests outside of him. He accuses me of cheating constantly. He attacks the fact that I enjoy working out, and have tried to ask him to join me but he is not interested. I have to beg to go out with friends or have interests of my own. He doesn't have sex with me. He says he is "getting older now" (40s) and he doesn't have the same drive he used to. He says that he has so much resentment toward me because I don't let him into my life. (he is right, I don't trust him with any of my thoughts and feelings) He belittles me, my thoughts, and my fears, so I no longer share with him. I have a high drive, and I thought I could have a marriage based on mutual respect and no sex. I am starting to feel like I need more than this though.

He constantly criticizes me, making me feel not loved, not worthy, and not wanted.

I sometimes get angry thinking how the he** could he even think that I am having an affair. I am always home, have to ask him to do anything, and he is the one who had that affair in the past. I have never and would never cheat on him. Yet, He has access to all my passwords, and he questions me on a monthly basis as to why I text this person eight times in a month, or that person three times in a day (all women friends) and he INSISTS on knowing details. I ask him if I can have any privacy in my life, and he all out tells me "no." 

Why am I in this marriage?? Kids. Right now that is all. I ask him for more (hand holding, dates) and he will say "we aren't 16, I can't believe you are asking for that." He is loving and warm to the kids and has them sleep in our room, or on our bed every night. I ask for the warmth that he gives the kids and he says "it is easy to love them, I have no resentment toward them." He resents me because I finally am getting a life of my own, and in some cases, it does not include HIM. 

Sorry. Just venting. My dear friends say I am being emotionally abused. I just feel so beat down and not sure what I can do anymore. I am just not getting what I want, and I am tired of being accused of cheating, when he was the one who opened himself up to cheating.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Sorry. Just venting. My dear friends say I am being emotionally abused.


 You are. Neglected, abused, cheated on.


> I am just not getting what I want, and I am tired of being accused of cheating, when he was the one who opened himself up to cheating.


Projection. Very common among cheaters.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Provided everything you've told us is true, and you haven't actually done anything for him to feel this resentment, then you have a real problem, your husband is extremely insecure, it's bad, not in the normal range of insecurity, it seems dangerously bad in my opinion.

Is he on any medication? Has he had a physical lately? Maybe low testosterone? That can cause insecurity, lack of sex drive and anger. (Just trying to cover some bases here)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Cybersex is simply a newer methodology in cheating!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you really think your kids are better off with HIM as an example of manhood???

You need to kick his sorry a$$ to the curb. Now. And get tested for STD's. God only knows what he's given you.


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

No, he is not on any meds. He has always been very insecure...checking up on me, showing up at places that I said I would be with girlfriends. Once again didn't think about it because I became ultra focused on motherhood, and really didn't do anything for myself. Examples of his insecurities..he can go out until 3am with the boys. I don't question him or act suspicious. I am home by 10pm at the latest once a month, and he is up waiting, asking me 200 questions.

I believe he needs counseling of some sort but he refuses to go saying it is too expensive. I really need counseling and am going to look into it for myself even if he doesn't go. 

He is negative, he doesn't sleep, he uses his work, money, etc. as excuses for his behavior.


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

One thing that I have done, that I am ashamed of, is I had a secret credit card after his cyber affairs happened. I was so shocked and afraid of him leaving me and the kids with no money (like my dad did to my mom) that I was trying to protect myself. Never used it, but of course in his normal searching of my personal items he found it and tore me a new one about it. So yes, I am NOT innocent. However, I did this out of fear, and it was wrong.


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## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

Cybersex is absolutely cheating. 

I don't see a hidden credit card that was never used in the same light as an affair. You probably should have told him, but you didn't max out the card either.

I can understand the desire to protect yourself and children given the history.

All the best 
AM


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I am NOT innocent


You are. Don't mistake yourslef here. Don't second guess. You chose the right thing, self protection after being cheated on.

If he refuses IC then you go.


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## roberbunch (Oct 18, 2012)

Tell him point blank that you are no longer doing this, whether he likes it or not.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

pleasebehonest said:


> I'll try to be short....
> 
> Married 16 yrs, 2 kids
> 
> ...


Yea sweetie cybersex is cheating but, IMO you got bigger fish to fry. This guy isn't bordering on emotional abuse he is abusing you. He is attempting to control you. barring that you yourself are not in an affair or have been there is no excuse for that behavior. If I were you I would set boundaries with him. Wear what you want within reason. Have girlfriends that you want within reason. Go workout at 5am if you want to. 
ARe your guys in reconciliation? 
Have you cheated in the past?
If the answer is no to both then yea stand up for yourself and if he starts a huge fight don't back down at all. He is probably gas lighting you where he takes small issues and blows them up disproportionately to try and condone his actions. 

There is also the likely hood he is projecting his infidelity on you. So I am willing to bet there is more than just cybersex going on. If I were you I would stop letting him be controlling now, and set the boundaries there. Control is not love and is dangerous. You need to stop just giving in to keep the peace and when he starts acting up just leave. If he calls your phone acting crazy ignore him. If his behavior then escalates out of control then your husband is exhibiting dangerous behavior and you need to stay away until he decides to get counceling. 

Trying to cover as many bases as possible with this but, yea I am sorry you are caught up in your husbands mess. But the controlling behavior you need to put a stop to now. Also you need to go into fact finding mode. PHone record, email, facebook, and any other forms of communication. I would also check the bank account for strange withdrawals. I mean he could be telling you trickle truth and cyber sex was him soliciting a prostitute off of craigslist. I know that might sound crazy to you. However, from reading as many stories on TAM as I have, it isn't that far out of the realm of possibility.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You had a credit card and he made you get rid of it?? He is a JERK. And the attitude that you aren't innocent has GOT to stop. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your husband is a controlling manipulative POS. You are letting him treat you very very badly - you CAN put a stop to it.

I'm all for reconciliation but with him there won't be any such thing. You need to get out of this marriage now, and save your kids from this..........................I don't even know what to call him.


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## gumby0811 (Oct 14, 2012)

pleasebehonest said:


> in his normal searching of my personal items he found it


Why is he searching YOUR personal items? I could understand you searching his since he breached the trust here, but why the other way areound?

And YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! you were looking out for your kids and trying to be a good mom and make sure they were taken care of, its not like you got it to do anything bad with it.


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

That is just my point, and why I am here. I don't know how I got to this point and I am trying to figure it out. Yes, he had that cyber thing years ago. I pretty much moved on from it, forgave, and moved on with our lives. He promised not to do it anymore, and I believe him. I trust him. I never went through his stuff, or accused him of cheating. Except for this incident, he has always been trustworthy.

Fast forward to the past two years, he is extremely jealous of any person in my life who takes me away from him, male or female. If friends ask me to do stuff, he gets angry saying I get asked to do stuff more than he does. If we go out with our core group of friends, and someone in the group doesn't talk to him much and they talk to me, he is all offended. He is so uptight, and people feel this. People do tend to talk to me more because I am more laid back and light hearted. Three years ago I lost some weight, and now I love working out. I try to include him in on my workouts but he isn't interested. He never compliments me, if I ask him if he likes my dress (if we are going out) he will say "its fine." I tell him I would like him to compliment me like I do him, and he says "why should I tell you you look nice, everyone else does that for you."

I am affectionate, I initiate sex (and get turned down everytime) I suggest romance, dates, hand holding. I'm so sad because I feel like he resents the person I am. How do you get over that? I am an outgoing, relaxed, fun-loving person, but also extremely loyal to my marriage. I don't see anything good he gives to me at this point. 

I just had to ask about the cybersex thing, and wondered if it was cheating because I do wonder, maybe I'm just not enough for him. Maybe, in his online doings he finds that more is out there. He claims this isn't true and he is protecting our marriage by keeping certain people from me (friends... female)--or maybe he sees how easy it is to make connections out there so he is worried. But for a husband worried that I am going to leave him, he sure isn't making me want to stay.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So, WHY are you WITH him?!?!?!?!?! From everything you've posted, he is a total a$$.


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

I know, I know. I feel like I have been brainwashed for so long that I don't even know what is right anymore. When friends told me he was emotionally abusive, I just figured "Oh...she doesn't like it that he prevents me from seeing her, which is why she is saying this." I keep the peace at all costs, I gave up my career to be a wife and mother, just not sure what to do. 

Working on myself. I know you all are right. Just have to figure out how to handle it.


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

And no, I never cheated. Never had an EA or PA, and never thought about it. If anything I put too much into him, catered to him, and always made sure HE was happy and HE was taken care of. Maybe thats the issue, now that I am doing a few things for myself, he can't take the change. Not sure, but yes, I need to start protecting myself and my children.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

He was low demand with you, either because of his constant beating off or he was getting some side action. Most likely your H was hooking up with people back when he was on the road, that's why he was using your homemade porn pix to meet people and now he's projecting that onto you. You're not doing cybersex anymore yourself and you only did it at his insistence in any case. I take it your H is a doughy, out of shape guy approaching 50, right? The fatter he is, the higher his estrogen and the lower his testosterone. He probably doesn't look good enough to hook up with anybody these days, so now he's worried about you. You're getting hotter and he's getting fatter.

You've got some decisions to make.


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

I hate to say anything negative about H, but yes, he is out of shape, he is approaching 50. And, I suspected way back when that he didn't want any from me due to him taking care of things himself. Just sucks. Yes..lots of decisions to make.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I think the cyber sex thing is just the tip of the iceberg. His behavior is similar to someone who is projecting. I would seriously start trying to determine if he has elevated cybersex to an Affair. From your story about it sounds like you just rug swept the cybersex thing and didn't really resolve that. This controlling behavior could be him trying to maintain the double life and the stress is causing him to crack. Start looking for infidelity, there are some serious red flags here. There is a chance that he might escalate his abusive behavior when he realizes that you know about his infidelity. Start looking, pretend everything is normal (except don't just accepting his controlling behavior) and start gathering evidence. The thread in my signature has some good advice for getting into computers, email accounts, and cell phones. You can't change him but you can choose to change the way you deal with him. Good luck and PM me if you need help with gathering evidence.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

And you continue to stay with him because........................??


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## WWife (Oct 12, 2012)

pleasebehonest said:


> He constantly criticizes me, making me feel not loved, not worthy, and not wanted.


Are you happy? If you go back and read what you've posted, what do you think? 

Defining cheating can be tricky and I think part of the definition is the secrecy. If you have an open marriage, cybersex may not be cheating. It sounds as though in your case, cybersex is cheating -- he is diverting attention from you emotionally and physically and giving it to someone else.

However, in everything I've read in your posts the cybersex seems to be the least of the issues. The biggest issue is that it sounds as though your husband would prefer if you were a robot. No life, wishes or desires of your own. That's not healthy. You are not partners in your marriage.

My marriage counselor talks about a "healthy sense of self" which is when both partners are functional (get what they need and are able to express themselves). You do not have that. Nor does your husband. It's very common for an abuser to try to cut out any and all ties in the abused's life so that they have no one else to turn to and thus can only rely on the abuser. It sounds like that's going on here: your husband won't allow you to have a life or an identity outside of him. That is not okay.

I'd recommend you start seeing an individual therapist -- it sounds as though you will have a lot to sort through moving forward.

I don't have children so I can't speak to what it is to have to decide to stay married for the sake of kids. However, I'm the child of divorced parents -- my father is very controlling and my mother told me (later in life) that her option was to get divorced or lose herself. I've grown up to be a very strong woman and much of that is because I saw my mother as a strong woman. If she'd stayed with my father, I would have instead learned what it is to be weak and controlled. If I were a male I'd likely have learned how to control and dominate. So when thinking of the health of your children, don't neglect the aspect of what kind of relationship behaviour you're modeling for them.


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

I know I pretty much suck. I ask myself over and over again why I stay. I know the kids have a lot to do with it. thanks for the very valuable advice. I need a wake up call thats for sure.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

HE sucks. Not you!!! Stop thinking that way.

Make a plan. Write it down or on here or somewhere so that you are accountable to yourself to follow through. Then DO it.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

The first place I would start is by getting yourself into individual counseling so that you have a place to go to get yourself centered. From there, you can start untangling these pieces and determine the best course of action moving forward.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

In a way cybersex is cheating...its cheating a marriage out of intimacy. Is cybersex "cheating" in the form of an affair...by no means. You might be looking to much for a reason to leave him if you can find the right label or if you are not about to leave him, it might be that you are trying to find a label for him.

Don't label him as his wife! Yes, I agree that your husband is waaaay to controlling and insecure. There is a battle going on in the inside of him (I know, because I am a husband too). He battles between doing that which is right and that which is bad.

When it comes down to it, your husband is a selfish person with a lot of insecurities. He only feels powerful when he is controlling others and I would venture to say that all his relationships (i.e. guy friends, family members, etc.) are this way. Your husband feels really small inside. He doesn't like who he is. Your husband is NOT satisfied with his sex life...I can guarantee you that. Yes, he needs counseling, but getting him to admit that is liking pulling teeth.

But still, you need a voice. He does not have a right to treat you like a punching bag or like you are a slave. You are not a slave my dear child...you are a beautiful creation by God and were designed for a purpose. You are a free agent, but are in a relationship that is ran like a dictatorship and for that, I am sorry for you. Am I saying to flee and get out of it...by no means.

In my beliefs, I believe that love is patient and love is kind. I believe that love endures all things, believes all things, and hopes all things. I believe that a selfless love never fails. Perfect love cast out all fear. Keep loving on your husband in a selfless kind of way, but make sure that you have a voice...not a belittling voice or a voice of anger, but a gentle yet firm voice.

I will be praying for you and your family.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

forevermemorable said:


> In a way cybersex is cheating...its cheating a marriage out of intimacy. Is cybersex "cheating" in the form of an affair...by no means.


Unless she gave him permission to have cybersex and he did it with her full knowledge, it IS cheating.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Interacting with members of the opposite sex on an intimate or emotional level is cheating, IMO.

Also, your H sounds highly abusive, emotionally and sexually, and if he won't agree to counseling I would certainly be making plans to leave him to his unhealthy online pursuits.


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

Ready to laugh your behinds off. Guess what H told me last night? (while we were out for dinner, no less) He told me he just doesn't have sex drive anymore and sex is the last thing he wants to do. I have always had the higher sex drive, and he very low, and i have been always supportive and loving, no matter what. 

Last few years he tells me "I can feel myself getting old." If we ever did have sex, which was once every two to three months or so, he wasn't into it, and lots of times had to stop because it wasn't "doing it for him." He is in his late 40s. 

So basically, I have a H who criticizes me, holds me back from being friends with people, who is always unhappy and not nice to me, who isn't warm (thinks hand holding is for 16 year olds). Never kisses me, accuses me of cheating and checks up on me, and then, he tells me he pretty much can do without sex, and he refuses therapy.

Cried myself to sleep last night. My marriage is a joke.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hubby has a sex drive I'm sure. I believe you will discover you husband us in fact cheating , and has been for a long while.

You know how he's controlling and accuses you of cheating? It's called projection as its very common for cheaters o become convinced their spouse is having an affair.

Men in their 40s get just as hornybas guys in their 20s.

To me it looks like he is getting sex someplace else. The difference is tat now that he's older, his recovery time is longer so where he coud once be with other women an still have some left for you, now he's running on empty at home.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Mid life crisis? Your husband is a selfish person to not meet your needs. There are issues going on with him that have driven his sex life down (maybe loss of job, friends, feels like he is going nowhere, etc.). Yes, your husband's peak sex drive is on the down swing, but not that far from the average bell curve.

It is selfish of him not to meet your needs and selfish of him not to try and communicate with you about this subject. I really do not know what his deal is with avoiding this. There has got to be something else...no one just shuts someone else off without reason! There MUST be a reason!

Your husband is definitely insecure. Maybe he is having an affair and someone else is meeting his needs or maybe a porn addiction whereas his needs are met there. The lack of sexual desire is spun from something (depression, affair, pornography). The fact that he is insecure and afraid that you might be cheating is a good sign that he is the one who is cheating, because he feels guilty for his actions he covers it up by turning the tides. Its funny how that works out, but it is a guess. You just might have to be a little more watchful towards your husband.

Its a shame he will not go to counseling. It sounds like he is hiding something, if you ask me. Best of luck to you.


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