# How NOT to handle ED 101



## IAmGroot (Jun 13, 2019)

(a long read, I know, but it's informative)

For 4 years now, my husband of 20+ years and I have been dealing with ED. And ED doesn't strike all at once, you lose position after position. First of all, Cowboy style went – my favorite. And at that point, I thought maybe he was mad at me for something I did and was punishing me by taking away my favorite position. Then as time went on, other positions failed as well. Until all the positions failed. He can’t get it up, and he can’t keep it up. What was a great and satisfying sex life for both of us has dwindled down to manual manipulation and blow jobs. I cannot tell you how I miss good old fashioned PIV sex.

When it first started, there was denial “It’s OK” was all I could get out of him. And after a few months of that, I finished that sentence for him: “It’s Ok, I don’t want to have sex with you anyways.” I mean, come on…the blame for lack of sex attention always goes to the lady first: she’s too fat, too ugly, too boring in bed, too..whatever. It’s so common that it’s a stereotype. I attempted to change my whole persona to attract and get …sex from my husband. I cut my hair, lost that extra 30 pounds since the wedding, put more makeup on, did my hair, changed my clothing style, got more adventurous in bed. But nothing worked. 
And I tried and I bent myself into a freaking pretzel trying to come up with what would work. Until I hit upon something I could not change: my age. I was nearing 50 and there was no getting around that. It drove me into a huge depression/anxiety ordeal that I’m still struggling with. It was like he used me for all these years for his own pleasure, and now that I’m old…I’m thrown away like a used tissue.

Spring of 2019, after years of not having insurance, I got a job _with _insurance and we both had checkups. I’m fine –no health issues save allergies. But my husband? Come to find out that he has High Blood Pressure, and it was uncontrolled. The HBP caused damage to the vessels in his penis; and that extra weight he’s carrying isn’t helping. All these years, I’ve blamed myself for his ED and he’s stayed silent, only to find out it’s his fault. No “Ooops. Sorry honey for blaming you.” Nope, still silent. I got –and in some ways still am –Mad. He let me believe it was my fault when it wasn’t, WATCHED ME dissolve into a puddle of shame, torment and depression, just to keep from taking the hit on this one.

December comes; he asks me what I want for Christmas. I wrote a note and gave it to him when I got home from work one night. It said “I want you to go to the Dr. and explore options to overcome the ED. I want my husband back. And that’s all I want for Christmas.” Less than an hour later, I’m driving his ass to the hospital. He was having a heart attack. A week later, he had a triple bypass. I was left alone to take care of him, all the while realizing that this was the final nail in the ol’ sex coffin. He’s not coming back..sexually. He had neglected his health for so long, the 100 pounds extra he was carrying, the lack of exercise, the extra butter on everything, the smoking, the ‘No Doctors’ thing, it had all came down to this.

I was hopeful that this would be the turning point and we’d work through this and get back some of our sex life. And rehab was good until the ‘Rona came and they cancelled it. He gained back the weight he lost, and he had breathing issues that didn’t seem to get better. And I got worse mentally. I was hiding a lot of the depression and the anxiety attacks from hubby because he was dealing with enough after the surgery. One day in Feb, our cat died in front of me after short illness and I went into an anxiety attack that I could not get out of. And he realized how bad I had gotten. Three hours later I’m settled and he asked, “are they always this bad?” uh..no but they’re not fun. Finally, despite his protestations (he was convinced that a therapist would tell me to leave him), I went into therapy and got on antidepressants. Feb 14th, I handed back that note that I gave him for Christmas. He said he didn’t remember it, but he’d ‘get an appointment.’ 

June rolls in and no appointment. One day, out of the blue, I just gave him that note. Told him that I did not have any expectations any more that he’d fulfill that wish. “I’m done” I said. And it really didn’t hit me until the day after what I had really done: I had taken back my marriage vow to him. And the really sad part is that only then, did he call the Dr. We have tried the Viagra. And it doesn’t work. The damage is done and there’s nothing for it.

Now, I’m still fine, physically. I’ve made a promise to my husband that I would take care of myself mentally and he made a promise to take care of himself physically. Which is a start. My therapist moved on and I haven’t the gumption to deal with another therapist right now. I’m sick of starting the whole story over again only to have the therapist go, “That’s great, but I gotta go.” I mean, really? And what does a 30 year old chick have in the way of life knowledge that would get me through this? Hubby is retired now, and he’s getting more active. And some extra meds is working on the weight and his breathing. And he says to me all the time how much he loves me.

But words are cheap, and I’m trying to decide if it’s too late. He keeps trying to explain to me that my self-esteem is just gone and that I am much better than I think I am. But that’s really not the point. I know exactly how great of a wife and mother I am. I have given this man and our kids the BEST of my love for over 17 years. Never once did he have to question my love, my respect or my faithfulness. But what is my reward for that? Nothing.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

This isn't the only issue obviously, but Viagra isn't the only option for ED. If one med doesn't work there are other oral options he can try. Has he tried the injections? They may work for him.

And you're right, words don't mean **** if his actions don't match. It seems like his actions are starting to match though, no?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think a lot of women discount just how difficult ED is for a man. I'm not saying blaming you was right, of course not, but I am saying that he may have done all that in a desperate attempt to save his own self esteem and that he didn't even realize he was doing it. This board is filled with wives of guys who have ED and just will not do anything about it. They are just too ashamed to seek help. The easier path is to blame anything else so that they don't have to face the shame that the problem is really themselves. 

So where do you go from here? I think a hard conversation needs to take place in which you spell it out for him just what he's done to you and that you expect an apology at the very least and some remorse from him for that. I mean for God's sake...to tell you that the problem is that you're too fat when you are 30lbs overweight and he's 100lbs overweight??? He needs to make up for that and he needs to know you need him to do that or your marriage is toast. 

When he says the problem is your low self esteem now does he recognize that he's the one who made you have that problem??? 

I'm sorry you've gone through all this. My exH is gay and so I've gone through the "why doesn't he want me?" stuff too. I only got an apology from him after my brother tore him a new one and told him he owed me one. He still kept insisting he did nothing wrong until my brother spelled out just how I must have felt during our marriage. Then he realized and gave me the apology. Your husband might also need it all spelled out for him.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

When a man won't/can't take care of himself -- 100 lbs overweight, adding extra butter to his food, smoking -- he is incapable of taking care of anyone else. Emotionally or physically. He is slowly committing suicide.

You are apparently seeing a pattern of improvement. Hopefully that sticks. If he gets a good dose of love and support from you and maybe others close to him, you may start to get more of what you want and need from him. Emotionally and physically. But if the butter and cigs come back, he will succeed in killing himself and you will not have much you can say or do about it. 

He's the one that needs to see a therapist.


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## IAmGroot (Jun 13, 2019)

At this point, I am working on my own mental issues. Regaining my self-esteem, establishing boundaries, voicing my needs, and the biggest one: letting him fail..on his own. He's never really had to deal with adversity, and I have. I know how to fail, and pick myself up and go on again. He needs to learn that you can fail. learn from the failure and come back better.

In this case, he realizes he's taken me for granted for way too long. Which is good, but there's that part of me that says, "pfft now? NOW?!? Where the F have you been for the last 20 F'n years?" But, as a part of my therapy, and change, I have to let him make this up to me, as much as he can. Previous patterns would have me leave by now. I need to break that pattern, stand my ground, voice my needs and EXPECT him to fulfill them.

But to the other ladies in this situation: I recommend "The Sex-Starved Wife" by Michele Weiner Davis. I picked it up as part of my free trial on Scribd last month. Had I read this when this whole ED thing started? It would've saved me a mental breakdown. ALL of this depression/anxiety process is spelled out in there. Now I'm not saying that it wasn't helpful to go through this depression - I've learned a lot of patterns that I need broken and a lot of issues from my childhood that have been looked-at - but I could've saved myself a lot of grief if I read this book in 2017. 

To the guys: you really need to take ownership of this issue if it is physical. and you REALLY need to hammer into your wives that it is NOT. THEIR. FAULT. and don't deny the problem. TALK about it, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Because your wife should not feel ashamed to be asking for sex from her husband. I read all kinds of ED articles online, and all of them said the same thing: 'Treat it like it's no big deal. Your hubby is going through enough on his own.' Which is BS advice. This IS a big deal. It is something that needs to be discussed openly, and honestly. 

And that's why I put this out there. We did this wrong. And it remains to be seen whether or not this marriage survives this.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

IAmGroot said:


> And that's why I put this out there. We did this wrong. And it remains to be seen whether or not this marriage survives this.


In books on sexuality there is a lot written about those that make accusations about there being something wrong with their partner and insisting it can just be fixed by going to the doctor and taking a pill. These books talk about learning to accept yourself and your partner and understand that problems are normal. Only through leaning to love yourself can one begin the process of healing oneself. 

Now the above can be problematic for those that go to the extent to accept and enable behaviors that serve to harm one's overall wellbeing over time. Like an overweight spouse putting extra butter on everything and not speaking up. 

Emily Nagoski's book "Come as You Are" tries to address this problem. She says you first have to learn how to love yourself just the way you are in order to heal yourself. Otherwise if you hate yourself any efforts to try and loose weight and improve your health in reality serve as an effort to try and attack/destroy yourself. This is the reason most diets will not work as the body does not respond to being attacked by feeling better and healthier. It has to come from a place of love and accepting yourself and wanting to take better care of that. Telling the difference between those two things is not easy and will often be subject to controversy. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I should preface this by saying that I'm not minimizing your struggles but it wasn't what I was necessarily expecting when I clicked on the title.

I've not really had ED. There were a couple times when it didn't happen fast enough for my ex and boy did it piss her off. On the other end of the spectrum from the you taking all the blame would be something like her - grabbing it, shaking it, and saying (angrily) "why isn't it hard yet?". For context, I was almost 40 at the time and there had been maybe a minute of foreplay. That is also not a good way to deal with it either.

I went to the Dr for a checkup +/- a couple months of my 40th birthday for the first time in about a decade and the closest I really get to checkups other than that are the BP / anemia check when I donate blood. In other words, I don't really have much need or interest in doctors. If there was ever any indication that ED was going to become a problem, I think I'd call the doctor the next day. Well, if I was in a relationship anyway. Since I'm single I'm not sure if it would be as noticeable or as important.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

IAmGroot said:


> But words are cheap, and I’m trying to decide if it’s too late. * He keeps trying to explain to me that my self-esteem is just gone* and that I am much better than I think I am. But that’s really not the point. I know exactly how great of a wife and mother I am. I have given this man and our kids the BEST of my love for over 17 years. Never once did he have to question my love, my respect or my faithfulness. But what is my reward for that? Nothing.


I don't think it's your self-esteem that's "just gone." It's his. And it's been gone for a while. If you want to stay married to this guy, you need to fully take charge because he won't. He's not going to change after all this time. You need to set a timetable for seeking treatment options, you need to tell him that PIV is important enough to you that something as "desperate" as a penile implant isn't actually desperate at all, just something to look into if all else fails, because you miss him, you need him, and he hasn't met his responsibilities and his gameplan nearly lead him to an early death.

It's not YOU. Your expectations are reasonable. It's time he gets to deal with what might seem like unreasonable expectations and have empathy for what you've been going through.

You know, that video I keep recommending, the one about sexual rejection. He should watch it, and understand how you feel. Because he's been rejecting you for a very, very long time.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I got ED from high BP, and then as a side effect from the BP meds. If I couldn’t have treated it (pills do work for me) I was prepared to set my wife free. Untreated it wouldn’t have been fair to her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I read posts like this and I am actually kind of surprised that Ashley Madison doesn't have hundreds of millions more subscribers than what it already has. 

I am a 56 year old man in kind of the same situation in reverse. I'm still alive and still hungry but I watch my once beautiful and full-of-life spouse wither into a shell of an old, sick lady day by day. 

I realize I'm not the man I was even 5 years ago and I realize the day is coming where my junk isn't going to work the way it used to. 

But my sexuality and my sexual prowess and skillsets are not completely dependent on my penis. I know my penis will fail some day. But I have 3,782 other tricks up my sleeve and no one is going to go away without at least some kind of consolation prize that will put a smile on their face ;-) If I am someday paralyzed from the neck down and in a full body cast, I will do push ups on my tongue until I can scrape the chrome off the bumper of '69 Torino with it. 

PIV is great and it's a worthy goal, but it is just one act in a galaxy of other loving, pleasurable and bonding activities. To just walk away and leave your partner completely out in the cold because less than 1% of your body surface area isn't feeling up to snuff IMHO is not only crappy and inconsiderate and negligent, but it is downright cruel when you know how important physical love and affection is to your partner. 

People react in horror when they hear statistics on adultery, but then I look at situations like this and I see it like someone getting hurt in a car wreck when they weren't wearing seat belts, were diddling around on the phone and ran a bunch of stoplights....... what did they expect would happen????

I can't really be on a forum like this and condone 3rd party involvement without consent. But when I see spouses sitting on the couch on their phone letting themselves turn to a pile of seaweed washed up on the beach and are deliberately neglecting their partner's pleas for love and attention and don't lift a finger to anything about or it or even show contempt and disgust that they would ask such a thing - I have no sympathy. 

Some times i think they would actually appreciate their partner getting it somewhere else so they wouldn't have to deal with it. 

Are these men so clueless as to think that their wives would not be able to walk into any bar or any gym or any work conference or social venue and not have their legs over some other guy's shoulders in an hour?? A female looking for sexual attention would be like finding sand at a beach. 

It's a lot different for men and I have no delusions of me bedding a bevy of beautiful, young hardbodies if my wife and I were to split and I doubt that I would find any kind of soulmate or whatever. But even as an average looking, bald, 56 year old man with glasses, I have no question that could have a few dinner or coffee dates lined up by the first weekend. 

Your husband is simply lazy and spoiled and has lost touch with reality. He has a younger, prettier, fitter woman hitting on him so he thinks he can get chicks. 

He sees you 16 years younger, in good shape, begging for sex and seeing you fail so he thinks you could not and would not be able to hit it with someone else. 

He is mistaken on both counts and is not in touch with reality. 

You are a MILF that could be getting sweaty and breathless with some younger hard bodied dude within a couple hours if you put up a profile on MILF-Hunter or Tinder or Ashley Madison of something. 

And as a fat, lazy, limp-d!cked 60something year old man, he'd have nuth'n. 

Now granted it's a lot easier for a woman to get sex that a satisfying, healthy and supportive long term, committed relationship, but it's sex that you are being denied here and you can get that by running up to Quick Trip and hitting on the guy wiping his windshield. 

You have all the cards here. You have a lot of life left and still have a working vagina. He may not even be alive in a few years if he doesn't take action. You can call the shots. You can determine your own sexual fate. There are millions of guys out there that one phone call to book a hotel room and have champagne chilling on ice in an hour and they will be tripping over themselves to swing by the liquor store on the way to Howard Johnson's.

He may need to be reminded of that. Maybe that will jump start him into taking action. Or maybe he'll say, "have fun and don't let the door hit your azz on your way out." But either way, you are in the driver's seat of your own sexuality.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

My theory is that men on porn don’t really NEED their wives. Call it a devil’s trick if you want but they get complacent. Sex may be fun or a good idea- but they don’t die for it. They won’t sacrifice or kill themselves for it.

My theory is when sex with wife ain’t working out it’s too easy for men to retreat to porn.. such a shame. I’d expect this is somewhat to blame for hubby’s laziness and underscores why men should avoid porn at all costs. God made men hungry for sex... porn just artificially satisfies that hunger and ends up wrecking men (and women).

I suppose other things could fill the hunger too (overeating, smoking, etc.)- but I suspect behind every man being lazy about sex is the dirty secret of porn and masturbation. I’m NOT like a high T, alpha male or anything but just can’t really imagine being so lackadaisical about sex... just defies nature. Sorry about what you’re going through and sorry to interject with my theory, but I really believe it’s relevant.

Porn also impacts what men find arousing... if a man spends training his body/mind on “X”, he’s likely leading himself away from reality “Y”.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Sounds like he was not blaming you...you were incorrectly blaming yourself. Alot of women are bad about that. 

Mo mom was the one with no interest, when my dad got ED she would make cruel comments like, "Even if I wanted to have sex, he couldn't get it up" That witch even said that once at a restaurant. And she said it several different times to her sisters or other friends. 
I used to wish he would leave her and find a good woman that loved him.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

No matter how you cut it, there are times when a no strings FB will do a person more good than the "guilt" et cetera associated with knowing they stepped outside the marriage would do harm. IAmGroot and your dad are probably two such individuals.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> No matter how you cut it, there are times when a no strings FB will do a person more good than the "guilt" et cetera associated with knowing they stepped outside the marriage would do harm. IAmGroot and your dad are probably two such individuals.


For all we know, FBs may save more marriages than all the MCs combined. 

Now whether those marriages should should be saved is a whole other question.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I did a search for the word "pump" and I'm surprised it was not suggested. You said the BP caused damage to the vessels in his penis and the damage is permanent with no treatment or cure. So have you and/or he considered him getting a *penis pump*?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Remind me .....what it is your getting out of this marriage ?


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## marissa2017 (Jul 9, 2020)

IAmGroot said:


> At this point, I am working on my own mental issues. Regaining my self-esteem, establishing boundaries, voicing my needs, and the biggest one: letting him fail..on his own. He's never really had to deal with adversity, and I have. I know how to fail, and pick myself up and go on again. He needs to learn that you can fail. learn from the failure and come back better.
> 
> In this case, he realizes he's taken me for granted for way too long. Which is good, but there's that part of me that says, "pfft now? NOW?!? Where the F have you been for the last 20 F'n years?" But, as a part of my therapy, and change, I have to let him make this up to me, as much as he can. Previous patterns would have me leave by now. I need to break that pattern, stand my ground, voice my needs and EXPECT him to fulfill them.
> 
> ...


I will say this to you and any other women out there whose husband will not take your needs for a sexual relationship seriously get out now, nothing will change.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

StarFires said:


> I did a search for the word "pump" and I'm surprised it was not suggested. You said the BP caused damage to the vessels in his penis and the damage is permanent with no treatment or cure. So have you and/or he considered him getting a *penis pump*?


I’m not really directing this question to you specifically Starfires, but rather throwing this out there as a conceptual question for Iamgroot and the rest of our studio audience - has HE looked up penis pumps? 

Iamgroot has bagged him for years to see a doctor for his health so he doesn’t DIE as well as urged him to seek treatment for his ED and got on him about her dissatisfaction and her desire for a sex life and yet he has sat there and put on 100lbs over the years and has not lifted a finger to address his own health and vitality let alone her sexual needs and desires so why should she go running to him with some idea for a penis pump that some stranger on the internet looked up.

Does he not have Google himself? 

When does it become strangers on the internet’s responsibility to find treatments for his limp penis?? 

I went into enough of a diatribe on my post above about spouses that can’t lift a finger to show their partner some love, but this is just an example of that.

The man has put in 100lbs over the years, will someone that has grown almost another person’s body weight in fat run out and get a penis pump and over turn every stone to please their partner??


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## marissa2017 (Jul 9, 2020)

marissa2017 said:


> I will say this to you and any other women out there whose husband will not take your needs for a sexual relationship seriously get out now, nothing will change.


I have been in this game 20 more years than you if your husband develops ED suddenly he also subsequently develops a need for porn to meet his penile issues, porn becomes more exciting than you and he can't get it up or keep it up for you. My husband loved when he married me that I had/have a sex drive, now he views sex as having to "service"' me. Oh also missionary style is the only one we can do as he has said that if I am on top I am just beating myself off on him. He truly knows how important a sex life is important to me. I made him go in for all the Doctor checks, testosterone, heart stress check, urologist. The last appointment from the urologist said take two viagra pills before having sex. Which he does before having sex with himself, I know because he still orders the viaga. Shortly after the COVID started he caught me crying, we had just lost a good friend to Covid, I said I wonder if I will ever see my grandchildren again and if I will go to my grave without ever making love again. It has been 8 years since the last time and no guys I am not ugly, fat, or whatever you would imagine why a man would enjoy MB over enjoying sex with a person.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I’m not really directing this question to you specifically Starfires, but rather throwing this out there as a conceptual question for Iamgroot and the rest of our studio audience - has HE looked up penis pumps?
> 
> Iamgroot has bagged him for years to see a doctor for his health so he doesn’t DIE as well as urged him to seek treatment for his ED and got on him about her dissatisfaction and her desire for a sex life and yet he has sat there and put on 100lbs over the years and has not lifted a finger to address his own health and vitality let alone her sexual needs and desires so why should she go running to him with some idea for a penis pump that some stranger on the internet looked up.
> 
> ...



Logical assessment, Oldshirt. It's just that, pathetic though the situation may be with him, his wife still wants a sex life.

But I can't help thinking also that there is/was/has been some reason(s) that he has had no concern for his ED, and running away from that (whatever his reason is), is why he has no concern for his wife's needs. Indeed, it could actually be the very fact that his wife has needs that he escaped. There are all kinds of men and women in the world, and that includes some guys who would rather take care of themselves than have to take the time to take care of their wife. For some, it's a mental block kind of issue. For others, it's just laziness because it takes time and work on his part, and we already know this guy is as lazy as they come. The older he got, the more weight he gained, and the more breathing problems he was having, the less interested he became with the endurance and mechanics of his wife wanting/needing sexual satisfaction. So as others have mentioned, he probably began enjoying solo career. Whether there is difficulty or not, it's still enjoyable no doubt, which was way better than having to perform for her.

In fact, I'm finding it hard to believe that the doctor who diagnosed ED, the cause of his ED, and let him know it's a permanent situation didn't suggest the options available to him. I don't believe any doctor would allow a patient - especially a male patient, and a married male patient at that - walk out of their office with zero expectation of ever having sex or masturbation again. You know doctors get off on that kind of stuff because they get paid for the recommendation. And if it was a male doctor, that's the first thing he thought about. I'm betting his wife is the only one who wasn't made aware.

So I made the suggestion for her sake, thinking he couldn't find any excuses not to get one and if he did, his wife would know there's been more to his problem all the long.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Diabetes.


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## Adventurous (Jul 11, 2020)

Buy a dildo and have him use it on you while giving you oral sex, or get him a strap-on to wear and please you. It can be as exciting for him as it could be for you. He would be able to give you sexual pleasure and see and hear you enjoying his efforts which should excite him to enjoy the play as well. Since you will be picking out what you want, don't be to conservative, get what excites you, don't be afraid to go big. Most men enjoy watching their wives with a big toy. Maybe you could start and ask him to join in, maybe try some role-playing, try to get his mind involved through visual stimulation and talking dirty. Last effort might be to get a penis implant that will enable an erection, I had a friend who had it done. But this is only if he's physically able and willing.


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## IAmGroot (Jun 13, 2019)

Hey all. I've read the responses and they are helpful. In this process of dealing with ED, I can honestly say that it needs to be a situation talked about MORE. Especially from the female standpoint. 

And here's a few thoughts. The penis pump...I have reservations about that. His health, his age, his preconceptions about sex and relationships are all put into the logic of this. I'm thinking there's a huge NO if I asked. We have tried a few toys with good and bad results. The strap on causes pain, because there are no receptors in that plastic penis that tells when he's hit the back wall. Vibrator is good and I use it in private because I do not want him to feel emasculated. I bought him some Tenga Egg masturbatory aid, in the hopes that some exploration by himself would give him confidence. But these things only work with an erection, so that didn't help.

At this point, FB is a viable option that I have been thinking about for over a year now. The question from a female standpoint is whether or not you can keep that FB only a FB or will emotions and attachments escalate it? And at this point, do I care if it does? 

I mean, none of my options are ideal. And none of my options do I get to move on without being considered a cold-hearted *****. But does that even matter? 

I stay, because he needs to learn that it was his mistake and he needs to address the mistake and the neglect and LEARN to give as much as he takes. And lets be honest here, 20 years into a marriage, and you get some trepidation about being out in that dating game again.


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## marissa2017 (Jul 9, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> No matter how you cut it, there are times when a no strings FB will do a person more good than the "guilt" et cetera associated with knowing they stepped outside the marriage would do harm. IAmGroot and your dad are probably two such individuals.


What is no strings FB?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't understand how he's got ED and can't do PIV, but BJs he can get it up. I'm sorry. Very suspicious.


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## IAmGroot (Jun 13, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't understand how he's got ED and can't do PIV, but BJs he can get it up. I'm sorry. Very suspicious.


Oh he still can't get an erection, but you can give blow jobs without one.....


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

marissa2017 said:


> What is no strings FB?


Fvkbuddy or Friend with benefit. Basically open marriage for her to commit adultry with someone else.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

IAmGroot said:


> Hey all. I've read the responses and they are helpful. In this process of dealing with ED, I can honestly say that it needs to be a situation talked about MORE. Especially from the female standpoint.
> 
> At this point, FB is a viable option that I have been thinking about for over a year now. The question from a female standpoint is whether or not you can keep that FB only a FB or will emotions and attachments escalate it? And at this point, do I care if it does?


Do you really not want to have some emotional connection and warm feelings with it???

You’re probably just as emotionally starved as you are sexually frustrated. 

That’s like starving in a lifeboat saying you want a thick, juicy steak but don’t want any potato’s or green bean casserole to go with it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


IAmGroot said:



I mean, none of my options are ideal. And none of my options do I get to move on without being considered a cold-hearted *. But does that even matter?

Click to expand...

*Your husband is a lazy selfish ass-hole who doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone but himself.

Why the hell DO you care what you look like for leaving? And *that's* your reason for staying with him and choosing to waste your life? Becuase you don't want to look like the bad guy? Yeah, that's a *fantastic* reason to stay in a loveless, miserable marriage. Good lord. 🙄 🙄 🙄

I'd be packing my bags and doing a jig, finally getting away from this ineffectual assclown.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

IAmGroot said:


> He’s not coming back..sexually.


This is not true. Viagra (and other drugs of this class), penis pump, papaverine injection, etc, require the backfill and engorgement of blood to create the erection.

The option is a prosthesis. Your husband should see urology, particularly urology practices where this is done. One visit, with a work-up, will get him a referral to a surgeon if a surgeon cannot be consulted directly.

The prosthesis is, essentially, a "bypass" of the sclerotic vessels which don't pass blood effectively anymore. 



IAmGroot said:


> The question from a female standpoint is whether or not you can keep that FB only a FB or will emotions and attachments escalate it?


Please, do not get a FB. You are completely right, you cannot keep a FB. Your husband will be destroyed by this. It is adultery, plain and simple. Emotions and attachments will escalate in your husband, as well as in you. If you do not want to emasculate your husband (and, I thank you and honor you for this) then you will completely discard this idea, as well as any idea you have about leaving him for this reason. 

If you tried toys, you should be able to bring the vibrator to your husband and have him use it on you. 

Please, don't phuck up your life over this difficulty. Have your husband see urology.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

IAmGroot said:


> At this point, I am working on my own mental issues. Regaining my self-esteem, establishing boundaries, voicing my needs, and the biggest one: letting him fail..on his own. He's never really had to deal with adversity, and I have. I know how to fail, and pick myself up and go on again. He needs to learn that you can fail. learn from the failure and come back better.
> 
> In this case, he realizes he's taken me for granted for way too long. Which is good, but there's that part of me that says, "pfft now? NOW?!? Where the F have you been for the last 20 F'n years?" But, as a part of my therapy, and change, I have to let him make this up to me, as much as he can. Previous patterns would have me leave by now. I need to break that pattern, stand my ground, voice my needs and EXPECT him to fulfill them.
> 
> ...


This was an extremely difficult thing for me to read, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I lived this for over a decade and the constant rejection was soul-crushing, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Unfortunately, I honestly don't think it will ever get better without him having an epiphany and drastically turning around his attitude.



CatholicDad said:


> My theory is that men on porn don’t really NEED their wives. Call it a devil’s trick if you want but they get complacent. Sex may be fun or a good idea- but they don’t die for it. They won’t sacrifice or kill themselves for it.
> 
> My theory is when sex with wife ain’t working out it’s too easy for men to retreat to porn.. such a shame. I’d expect this is somewhat to blame for hubby’s laziness and underscores why men should avoid porn at all costs. God made men hungry for sex... porn just artificially satisfies that hunger and ends up wrecking men (and women).
> 
> ...


Porn and masturbation is way easier than being with a woman.



marissa2017 said:


> I will say this to you and any other women out there whose husband will not take your needs for a sexual relationship seriously get out now, nothing will change.





marissa2017 said:


> I have been in this game 20 more years than you if your husband develops ED suddenly he also subsequently develops a need for porn to meet his penile issues, porn becomes more exciting than you and he can't get it up or keep it up for you. My husband loved when he married me that I had/have a sex drive, now he views sex as having to "service"' me. Oh also missionary style is the only one we can do as he has said that if I am on top I am just beating myself off on him. He truly knows how important a sex life is important to me. I made him go in for all the Doctor checks, testosterone, heart stress check, urologist. The last appointment from the urologist said take two viagra pills before having sex. Which he does before having sex with himself, I know because he still orders the viaga. Shortly after the COVID started he caught me crying, we had just lost a good friend to Covid, I said I wonder if I will ever see my grandchildren again and if I will go to my grave without ever making love again. It has been 8 years since the last time and no guys I am not ugly, fat, or whatever you would imagine why a man would enjoy MB over enjoying sex with a person.


This hit home for me. My ex made me think I was responsible for his ED, made me feel 2 feet tall. Turns out he was using porn, alcohol and ended up cheating with a girl half our age amongst other things. 

Groot, really think about what it is you really want. A FB won't make you feel any better, I tried that a couple times when I started dating again and it felt hollow. Yes, it was nice to be desired, but it was just going through the motions. I think it will be even worse for you if you engage one while still married. Don't let him destroy you, walk if you need to. It doesn't matter what anyone else says/thinks. At the end of the day, life is short, do you want to die never being thoroughly loved again? This man can't love you, he doesn't even love himself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

IAmGroot said:


> Hey all. I've read the responses and they are helpful. In this process of dealing with ED, I can honestly say that it needs to be a situation talked about MORE. Especially from the female standpoint.
> 
> And here's a few thoughts. The penis pump...I have reservations about that. His health, his age, his preconceptions about sex and relationships are all put into the logic of this. I'm thinking there's a huge NO if I asked. We have tried a few toys with good and bad results. The strap on causes pain, because there are no receptors in that plastic penis that tells when he's hit the back wall. Vibrator is good and I use it in private because I do not want him to feel emasculated. I bought him some Tenga Egg masturbatory aid, in the hopes that some exploration by himself would give him confidence. But these things only work with an erection, so that didn't help.
> 
> ...


There use to be a woman here who started cheating on her husband in similar circumstances and it caused far more devastation and heartbreak than it was worth. She didn't plan on leaving her husband because of family issues and did fall for her AP.

He discovered the affair and they both worked hard at reconciliation which included him taking care of himself physically and getting medical treatment, including testosterone, to treat his sexual dysfunction.

If you are done, my advice is to make a clean break and I certainly think you would be reasonable to do it.

You are not cold at all and have given and cared far more than your husband has.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

IAmGroot said:


> Oh he still can't get an erection, but you can give blow jobs without one.....


Well that sounds like a useless effort.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

FBs? This is a marriage support site right?

For Christ's sake just divorce the guy. Don't cheat on him. No reason to humiliate him and yourself more than has already been done.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

IAmGroot said:


> Hey all. I've read the responses and they are helpful. In this process of dealing with ED, I can honestly say that it needs to be a situation talked about MORE. Especially from the female standpoint.
> 
> And here's a few thoughts. The penis pump...I have reservations about that. His health, his age, his preconceptions about sex and relationships are all put into the logic of this. I'm thinking there's a huge NO if I asked. We have tried a few toys with good and bad results. The strap on causes pain, because there are no receptors in that plastic penis that tells when he's hit the back wall. Vibrator is good and I use it in private because I do not want him to feel emasculated. I bought him some Tenga Egg masturbatory aid, in the hopes that some exploration by himself would give him confidence. But these things only work with an erection, so that didn't help.
> 
> ...


Women talking about the causes and affects of ED is a dead end road. 

Sort of like us men getting together and talking about what to expect during the third trimester of pregnancy. Would such a thread make sense? 

Stop making assumptions about what you think your husband is going through in regards to this. You have asked him to get help repeatedly and he hasn't. HE has to be the one to do this. If he won't then that means he does not want to work towards satisfying your needs in the marriage, and if that is the case it means he does not want to carry his share of the load to make the marriage work. Some of it is embarrassment, some of it is pridefulness, and some of it is just laziness.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

If you're "done", the divorce is the lesser evil when compared to adultery. I don't really advise you to do either, but if you simply cannot take any more........

It sounds like he's done all he can, except seeking a prosthesis. He can't "fix" this.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I honestly believe women in situations like this should secretly investigate hubby’s porn use. It would tell you the extent of his betrayal. I mean, being lazy, unhealthy, and overweight is probably forgivable. However, if hubby is spending X hours a week viewing porn while you’re frustrated and climbing the walls- that is just a direct and intentional betrayal.

This is even worse if hubby continues despite the woman’s attempts to spice things up- that’s almost sadistic. 

I’m convinced that married people really own 100% of each other’s sexuality and giving/getting any less is betrayal.

In sum, maybe this is his 100% so no crime no foul. However given our cultural love of porn, self pleasure, and massive porn archives (30% of internet content is porn they say)- I’d bet he’s been training his mind and body on new lovers, images, concepts for quite some time. Sadly, this could be culmination of a long term porn habit. There’s simply no burning desire for “ordinary” sex with the wife, because he’s a little older, not as healthy, and has already experienced thousands of various sex acts captured on camera.

Groot- I wished you’d snoop perhaps for your own benefit.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

IAmGroot said:


> At this point, FB is a viable option that I have been thinking about for over a year now. The question from a female standpoint is whether or not you can keep that FB only a FB or will emotions and attachments escalate it? And at this point, do I care if it does?


From the information you provided, it'd be tough keeping it at a "business" level, but it can be done. You would need to be clear to both you and him (but especially to yourself) that you have no intention of leaving your spouse. If the situation ever got to where there is even a hint of romantic bonding, you'd need to break it off. (no pun intended) You can't allow yourself to get into a relationship that is more than pure physical. Accordingly, no text to say how good it was, romantic phone calls, love letters, gifts, et cetera. You need to think of the man you choose as no more than an escort. You just have to make up your mind that you don't leave your marriage for any guy you may have a crush on. Have you entertained to idea of ok-ing such an arraingment with your husband with maybe a mild participation on his part? It may surprise you at the number of men who can't or no longer interested, are ok with such arrangements as long as they are confident the wife is not going anywhere.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I am 77 yrs and have had ED for several years. Viagra works but it is unreal and besides my wife doesn't want me to take it for health's sake. It gradually came on. No my wife doesn't want me to use a dildo nor does she want oral sex. She has accepted it gracefully as it is very common with older people. I keep very fit and I am not overweight. I use manual on her and she climaxes 100 per cent. I still enjoy sex an awful lot in other ways and she seem happy with that. There is more room for kinky stuff as PIV is gone but that is private but it works great at least for me and my wife is comfortable with it. So we are still as happy as we were and am adjusting to things as they are. Sex will go on forever if you have imagination.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

IAmGroot said:


> Hey all. I've read the responses and they are helpful. In this process of dealing with ED, I can honestly say that it needs to be a situation talked about MORE. Especially from the female standpoint.
> 
> And here's a few thoughts. The penis pump...I have reservations about that. His health, his age, his preconceptions about sex and relationships are all put into the logic of this. I'm thinking there's a huge NO if I asked. We have tried a few toys with good and bad results. The strap on causes pain, because there are no receptors in that plastic penis that tells when he's hit the back wall. Vibrator is good and I use it in private because I do not want him to feel emasculated. I bought him some Tenga Egg masturbatory aid, in the hopes that some exploration by himself would give him confidence. But these things only work with an erection, so that didn't help.
> 
> ...


I don't think most women can really keep a sexual partner and not develop an emotional attachment.

You're going to release bonding chemicals during sex.

I get the ED thing... my ex was 19 years older and had it for a long time. It got progressively worse until pretty much the only way he could keep an erection was to engage in his porn fetish and the only way he could finish was with a hand job and lots of lube. It was such a turn off for me that i felt like a hooker.

We had other issues though so leaving him was the right thing to do, and we had no kids together.

Now that I'm having great sex with my current guy I know that there was no way I could keep a FWB and not get attached. 

Are you sure you want to stick around and ultimately take care of a sickly old guy that couldn't be bothered to put forth much effort for your marriage? That's a recipe for a lot of resentment.

As far as being cold hearted, are you sure that's not something you assigned because you're just not ready to go? Men leave women who won't have sex all the time and nobody thinks they're cold hearted. This is the only life you get, and this guy isn't holding up his end of the vows.


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## IAmGroot (Jun 13, 2019)

OK, now he throws in another curve ball that has me just gobsmacked. This morning, after 20 some years of marriage, he tells me that his first wife cheated on him. He stayed because of the kids, but once they were adults, he left her........for me.

Um. TWENTY YEARS of silence?!?!?! WHY????????????????


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## marissa2017 (Jul 9, 2020)

Tony Conrad said:


> I am 77 yrs and have had ED for several years. Viagra works but it is unreal and besides my wife doesn't want me to take it for health's sake. It gradually came on. No my wife doesn't want me to use a dildo nor does she want oral sex. She has accepted it gracefully as it is very common with older people. I keep very fit and I am not overweight. I use manual on her and she climaxes 100 per cent. I still enjoy sex an awful lot in other ways and she seem happy with that. There is more room for kinky stuff as PIV is gone but that is private but it works great at least for me and my wife is comfortable with it. So we are still as happy as we were and am adjusting to things as they are. Sex will go on forever if you have imagination.


Tony Conrad, I just want to say I want to praise you for your efforts. A man does not need a hard penis to please his wife. If the ED becomes an issue, there are many other ways to make your spouse feel loved and special.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

IAmGroot said:


> Um. TWENTY YEARS of silence?!?!?! WHY????????????????


I'll bet he thought you already knew.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

IAmGroot said:


> OK, now he throws in another curve ball that has me just gobsmacked. This morning, after 20 some years of marriage, he tells me that his first wife cheated on him. He stayed because of the kids, but once they were adults, he left her........for me.
> 
> Um. TWENTY YEARS of silence?!?!?! WHY????????????????


You never knew that he was married when you met him? Whether the above is true or not doesn't matter - he's bringing that up to make you feel a sense of obligation to stay with him. He's manipulating you.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

I understand that you are pretty clearly saying you of course knew he was married - but he hadn’t divulged the critical information that she had cheated on him?? AND that he left her for you?? Wow.

Seriously... that is something that I cannot imagine a reason for him having that as a secret- or at least unspoken. I agree with your reaction to this - how in the world has that never come up? Seems to reveal a serious gap in the openness of his communication. I would be shocked to learn something that impactful on his relationship experiences after 20 years.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Ok, but how is this related to your problems today???


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## IAmGroot (Jun 13, 2019)

That's what I'm wondering. Yes, I knew he was married before. Yes, we meet while he was still married. The timeline would be that she had an affair about 10 years into the marriage and they were married for over 20 years.

TBH, I think it's desperation. He knows he has failed me. He knows that when I gave him back that note that I stopped caring whether or not he'd go to the doctor for ED meds. 

Last ditch effort to guilt me into staying? Probably.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

IAmGroot said:


> That's what I'm wondering. Yes, I knew he was married before. Yes, we meet while he was still married. The timeline would be that she had an affair about 10 years into the marriage and they were married for over 20 years.
> 
> TBH, I think it's desperation. He knows he has failed me. He knows that when I gave him back that note that I stopped caring whether or not he'd go to the doctor for ED meds.
> 
> Last ditch effort to guilt me into staying? Probably.


so what are you planning to do? Are your kids grown up?


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

"But my sexuality and my sexual prowess and skillsets are not completely dependent on my penis."

Guys who figure this out are golden.


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