# help with verbal abuse



## samarachick555 (Aug 19, 2014)

I have been with my husband for 3 years now we are both 23 an met in high school. We have a on year old baby that I stay at home with and he works to pay rent. If my husband ask me for example " do you know where are the keys" an I say " there not over there?" He will get pissed off and say "why can't you ****ing answer the damn question I asked if u know where the it's a yes or no answer you never directly answer my ****ing questions" or if I ask him to do something like yak out th trash and it been three hours since I asked an he has not done it and I ask again he will get pissed off and "say yes Cathy I will take out the ****ing trash why are you nagging and *****ing at me this is why I don't wan to come home after work an go fishing because your so negative" during our fights he has called me a stupid *****, ugly, *******, so it who're on and on... this has been napping for three years but has gradually gotton worse. I have no idea how to handle him because he is not always like this he can be sweet bring me flowers make dinner buy me wine ..etc. he get mad over the smallest things and goes off on me and I have No Idea how to deal with this. When we argue which is usually over something stupid he is downright mean yelling and cussing he has even thrown my phone flipped over our matress he has never laid a hand on me not that that makes it okay. I used to cry but I feel as though I have become used to it and now I sometimes laugh at his outburst because they seem so dramatic and insured. I have threatened to leave several times it does nothing to help. He smokes marijuana at least once a day and he does suffer from ADHD but refuses to get therapy for it or medication. His brother who is a year younger has similar issues in his relationships and acts the same towards his girlfriend but he drinks everyday so I'm not sure but I think it is a learned behavior from family and issues with family. Please help any advice will help I don't want to leave him I do love him although our communication is at 0 anything I have to say about him that's negative he gets really defensive about.I don't want to even have sex with him because that would make me vulnerable again and if he went off on me it would hurt worse.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

samarachick555 said:


> I have been with my husband for 3 years now we are both 23 an met in high school. We have a on year old baby that I stay at home with and he works to pay rent. If my husband ask me for example " do you know where are the keys" an I say " there not over there?" He will get pissed off and say "why can't you ****ing answer the damn question I asked if u know where the it's a yes or no answer you never directly answer my ****ing questions" or if I ask him to do something like yak out th trash and it been three hours since I asked an he has not done it and I ask again he will get pissed off and "say yes Cathy I will take out the ****ing trash why are you nagging and *****ing at me this is why I don't wan to come home after work an go fishing because your so negative" during our fights he has called me a stupid *****, ugly, *******, so it who're on and on... this has been napping for three years but has gradually gotton worse.
> 
> I have no idea how to handle him because he is not always like this he can be sweet bring me flowers make dinner buy me wine ..etc. he get mad over the smallest things and goes off on me and I have No Idea how to deal with this.
> 
> ...


I am sorry. That sounds horrible. I wish I could offer advice.

I have added paragraphs to your writing, not because I am a grammar nazi, but because people who might be able to help will find it easier to read - it often helps on this board.


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## samarachick555 (Aug 19, 2014)

Thanks I'm typing from a kindle haha.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone where name calling was any sort of a regular occurrence. The lack of respect wouldn't be acceptable to me. 

Do you think you can persuade him to go to marriage counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samarachick555 (Aug 19, 2014)

He refuses and mentions that he once went to therapy as a teenager an got so angry he walked out and never went back. This is a once a week or once every two week occurrence an Yes it's horrible. Sometimes I feel I'm going to snap.


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## samarachick555 (Aug 19, 2014)

I was also raised around abuse and got regularly abused verbally an physically by my older brother as a child he is 7 years older then I am.so it isn't anything new to me but I cannot let this continue in my life any longer.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Then take matters into your own hands and, since he refuses counseling, get out of this relationship. Before your child is taught that this is normal behaviour. Get yourself into some form of therapy to help you heal.

You're so young!!! Your whole life is ahead of you. Make it a happy one!!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you can't talk to him, counseling isn't an option, and you both come from families where abuse was normal. 

You need to break this cycle for your son's sake. He will be the next target of your husband's abuse. My advice, since you don't want to leave, is counseling/therapy for you. My warning though, is that your husband won't like this. It will be threatening to him. Be prepared for that. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

samarachick555 said:


> I was also raised around abuse and got regularly abused verbally an physically by my older brother as a child he is 7 years older then I am.so it isn't anything new to me *but I cannot let this continue in my life any longer.*


Agreed. Get out. Yes, it will be hard on your child, but it would be more harmful to hear his mother called such names on a regular basis.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Learn to love you, as right now you have NO CLUE how to do that. If you don't want to learn how to love you for yourself, do it for your son. Because kids learn from what they are around. The cycle will continue and your son will abuse his future wife/gf/kids if you do not stop that from happening.


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## samarachick555 (Aug 19, 2014)

I do love myself actually. And I have a daughter I don't really have parents so if I leave I'm not sure where to go I have a few friends but they live with there parents so I wouldn't b able to stay for long. I don't have a car or a job either.


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## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

samarachick555 said:


> I do love myself actually. And I have a daughter I don't really have parents so if I leave I'm not sure where to go I have a few friends but they live with there parents so I wouldn't b able to stay for long. I don't have a car or a job either.


This may contribute to the abuse, if he feels you have no recourse against it.


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## samarachick555 (Aug 19, 2014)

Yes exactly. That's why everything Is so difficult.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what steps can you think of that you can take so you DO have options?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Glad to hear that you and your daughter are number one priority. So if that is the case, what is your exit plan?


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

Holy cow the first thread I go to and what horrible advice given. Folks are so quick to jump ship anymore it’s actually quite disturbing. 

He yells and says things that you find offensive. This hurts you and you feel as if you can't mention anything to him. All very common and you have the right to feel this way and it’s not right what he is doing. 

Now look at the situation from another angle and consider how each person can perceive things differently. Perhaps to him the harsh words are merely that, harsh words used out of frustration with no intent to cause any scars. Okay now take this a step further and try and understand why he is frustrated and responding the way he is. Keep in mind doing so will require a conversation between the two of you and this conversation should only be held at a time when the two of you can conversate with respect. In other words choose your time wisely and don’t discuss this when he/you are angry.

Most of the time relationship problems stem from lack of communication and understanding of each other. It just might be that you taking the time to share your feelings with him in regards to the use of harsh words might enable him to understand where you are coming and how it impacts you emotionally. With him having a true understanding of what’s going on in your head this just might motivate him to want to fix this.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Abovetheline said:


> Holy cow the first thread I go to and what horrible advice given. Folks are so quick to jump ship anymore it’s actually quite disturbing.
> 
> He yells and says things that you find offensive. This hurts you and you feel as if you can't mention anything to him. All very common and you have the right to feel this way and it’s not right what he is doing.
> 
> ...


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:




What I have to say is seen as worthless to you?

OR

Fill in the blank


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Abovetheline said:


> What I have to say is seen as worthless to you?
> 
> OR
> 
> Fill in the blank


No not worthless. Sorry that was not necessary on my part. I guess I found it funny that you thought all the other advice was horrible but yours was good I guess. 

I just don't see how you think her H could figure name calling was not highly offensive and hurtful.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Abovetheline said:


> Holy cow the first thread I go to and *what horrible advice given.*


Interesting that your "horrible advice" line is the EXACT same thing Carla Rose said.

Hmm...


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Interesting that your "horrible advice" line is the EXACT same thing Carla Rose said.
> 
> Hmm...


Hmmm. I was sensing a familiarity but admittedly I had the wrong poster. It didn't fit my suspect's MO but it fits yours!

ETA: your suspect's MO that is!


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Interesting that your "horrible advice" line is the EXACT same thing Carla Rose said.
> 
> Hmm...


Yeah that was maybe wrong for me to say horrible, I can own that. I guess IMO its "horrible" (sorry for that) because this forum should be used as a tool to help with marital issues. To tell someone to jump ship is just not good advice IMO and doesn't solve anything.

I've learned over the years there are two sides to every story so I'm more compelled to understand why he communicates the way he does. I'm not sure she truly understands this just as he might not understand how his abusive language hurts her.


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> No not worthless. Sorry that was not necessary on my part. I guess I found it funny that you thought all the other advice was horrible but yours was good I guess.
> 
> *I just don't see how you think her H could figure name calling was not highly offensive and hurtful*.


I was actually guilty as charged with this (verbal abuse) the first 2 years of my marriage. I know it sounds retarded, but when you grow up in a house hold where name calling, yelling and screaming are common occurrences you grow immune to it; so much that the meaning behind the words are lost. For me it was more of just a way to vent my frustration and just like when these words are thrown at me without sticking, I just assumed others received them the same way (no big deal, move on). I eventually was able to pull my head out of my rear seeing the hurt I was causing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Abovetheline said:


> I was actually guilty as charged with this (verbal abuse) the first 2 years of my marriage. I know it sounds retarded, but when you grow up in a house hold where name calling, yelling and screaming are common occurrences you grow immune to it; so much that the meaning behind the words are lost. For me it was more of just a way to vent my frustration and just like when these words are thrown at me without sticking, I just assumed others received them the same way (no big deal, move on). I eventually was able to pull my head out of my rear seeing the hurt I was causing.


Would you have come to the same conclusion much quicker if your partner said "I'm not going to be treated with such disrespect again. Do it one more time, and I'm outta here", and then followed through on it? And I'm asking that seriously, not to be sarcastic.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

PBear said:


> Would you have come to the same conclusion much quicker if your partner said "I'm not going to be treated with such disrespect again. Do it one more time, and I'm outta here", and then followed through on it? And I'm asking that seriously, not to be sarcastic.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Threats just cause more anger so IMO this would just lead to more verbal abuse... 
Threats would cause him to throw up a defense shield in which the only way he knows how to protect/retaliate is to bring on the verbal attack. This is probably what he did as a child and so he's stuck following the same approach as an adult, not thinking much of it.

When attempting to communicate with someone, especially your loved one, approach is everything. It’s finding a non-threatening way to discuss the hurt the verbal abuse is causing.

Unless one has given up and are truely ready to leave, avoid the threat of doing so. One may use this as a tactic to resolve a problem only to create a bigger one.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm all for saving a marriage. Marriage is beautiful and sacred, and I do believe that too many people throw in the towel too easily.

HOWEVER, there is NO excuse for verbal abuse - and this is far from a few frustrations being vented.

OP - you're so young sweetie, if you want to stay married to your husband, you must tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not put up with that disgusting verbal abuse anymore, and that it stops TODAY. He must also agree to go to counselling on his own to learn better ways to communicate. You are not responsible for his verbal abuse.

If he won't do these things, then you should divorce him because it will only get worse.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Abovetheline said:


> Threats just cause more anger so IMO this would just lead to more verbal abuse...
> Threats would cause him to throw up a defense shield in which the only way he knows how to protect/retaliate is to bring on the verbal attack. This is probably what he did as a child and so he's stuck following the same approach as an adult, not thinking much of it.
> 
> When attempting to communicate with someone, especially your loved one, approach is everything. It’s finding a non-threatening way to discuss the hurt the verbal abuse is causing.
> ...


You didn't answer the question, though... And to me, there's a difference between a "threat" and stating a boundary (and then enforcing it). 

So again... If your spouse would have said that she wouldn't tolerate any more verbal abuse, and would have walked away the first time you did it again, would you have pulled your head out of your butt quicker or not?

C


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## samarachick555 (Aug 19, 2014)

The verbal abuse hasn't gotten any worse the past 6 months but it is still there. Everything that @Abovetheline Is saying is a spot on and I agree with. I would like to help him figure this out if not for me do himself and our beloved child. I want him to be in her life even if we are not together and I want him to set a good example for her of what a man should be. He is actually an excellent father despite his outburst towards me and he loves her dearly. My father was absent my childhood so it is important for me to have my daughter and her father have a relationship with or without me there.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

samarachick555 said:


> The verbal abuse hasn't gotten any worse the past 6 months but it is still there. Everything that @Abovetheline Is saying is a spot on and I agree with. I would like to help him figure this out if not for me do himself and our beloved child. I want him to be in her life even if we are not together and I want him to set a good example for her of what a man should be. He is actually an excellent father despite his outburst towards me and he loves her dearly. My father was absent my childhood so it is important for me to have my daughter and her father have a relationship with or without me there.


Your daughter is only a year old. She doesn't talk back much or really misbehave yet. It's great that he's a good father now, but...

I'm all for saving your marriage, which is why I suggested counselling for you.. You will get ideas on how to deal with his behaviours while there.

C


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

I am married to a formerly verbally abusive husband. He routinely took out his frustrations on me and the kids in much the same way as your husband does. I tried every sweet understanding and nice way to make him understand how I feel and stop but none of it worked. 

Then I had the realization that I did not have to be perfect and mistake free to be treated well. I told him whenever he began to speak to me like this I would not deal with him or be in his vicinity. I would leave the room or leave the house and take the kids somewhere. I was serious. It would have led to end of marriage if it did not stop, but he stopped it. He probably has not sworn at me In more than a year.

Do not be afraid to put your own well being before the relationship. You can't have good mental Health when you are being verbally abused. Your love & presence mean a lot to your husband. You need to let him know he has to treat you well or he will lose that - for a few hours or longer if he keeps it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

samarachick555 said:


> I do love myself actually. ... I'm not sure where to go I have a few friends but they live with there parents so I wouldn't b able to stay for long. *I don't have a car or a job *either.


It doesn't sound like you love yourself from what you are posting here. No car, no job? This leaves you dependent on a man who is treating you poorly, from what I've read.

I'm all for SAHM, but I also think it is wise for a woman to be able to fend for herself in the world.

Trust me. I once relied financially on a man.

Never, never again.

You have given him a huge bargaining chip in the game of abuse. Time to regain your life.

Job training is available through Goodwill Industries. You can obtain gainful employment.

Please consider seeking out help through community agencies, because your husband sounds like an abusive jerk.

JMO based on what you have posted.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

First and formost, you are only 23 years old. Do you want to spend the rest of your life married to this jerk? Sorry but he is. A man who speak to a women or any one the way you write your hubby does, is down right an awful person, who wants to be even around him? Your poor daughter, what is she going to grow up with? 

When I was a bit older than you, I dated a horrible, horrible person that I thought I could save and give a better life to. His treatment and language was awful towards me. My neighbor had 5 year old at the time. One day I ask the 5 year to do something, like pick up a toy, and clearly the child did not want to, as he looked right at me and with out missing a beat said, "FVCK YOU Sammy!!" Neighbor and I could not believe what we heard. When the mom asked her son what in the world was he doing, saying etc... he came right back and said "Oh, Frank says that to Sammy all of the time..." Big lesson on my part !

Also I hope you do not intent to be a sahm all your married life. I did, biggest mistake of my life!! I've never worked and have been married for what would have been 30 yrs, before my hubby had an affair at the 27, or 28 yr. ((whatever...)) now, I cant even get hired at 
Barns n Nobel as I was told to get more experience!!! I could walk experience around the manager head who told me that.

Even the court are now changing... I may not be given any "maintenance"((horrible word)) after a life time of supporting my family or my hubby for him to be able to have his career while I lost out on mine, because the courts are looking at the fact that I have already been paid for the past 20 odd years by staying home... WTF!!!! Yeap, that is the way my lawyer told me it may end up for me... 

So OP, take a gooooood look at the guy you call hubby, look at your home life, your career choice, think long and hard, because in the long run, you may end up the real loser in it all, surely not the jerk that you are living with ... no one, no one, no one, should be speaking to the person you love and married like your hubby is to you. As nice as he is with the flowers and all, that's the kibbles he throws at you, to keep you where he wants to keep you, because he is a selfish insecure 23 year baby boy that has not grown up, nor ever should have married, nor even had a child, because he is still one himself. 



-sammy


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

PBear said:


> Would you have come to the same conclusion much quicker if your partner said "I'm not going to be treated with such disrespect again. Do it one more time, and I'm outta here", and then followed through on it? And I'm asking that seriously, not to be sarcastic.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





PBear said:


> You didn't answer the question, though... And to me, there's a difference between a "threat" and stating a boundary (and then enforcing it).
> 
> So again... If your spouse would have said that she wouldn't tolerate any more verbal abuse, and would have walked away the first time you did it again, would you have pulled your head out of your butt quicker or not?
> 
> C


I can't answer your question because my wife didn't put me into this situation, to do so would be a prediction.

Here’s how I see it....
OP chimes in about verbal abuse which to me comes off more like a vent session. I can understand the name calling and colorful words hurt her and it’s not right (I feel bad for her), but there’s also another side to the story we don't get to hear, his. This was the same in my situation, both parties were at fault. I and my wife were immature, going through a lot of growing pains and under a lot of stress. Our relationship was strained early on and eventually turned into what it is today, which is amazing.

It’s very difficult for me to just assume the OPs man is just attacking her for no reason. I would like to think he feels justified in doing so because he feels as if he is being attacked himself (his interpretation which is different from hers) or there’s some resentment there, perhaps this has something to do with the new addition to the family. This still doesn't make the verbal abuse acceptable, but IMO it shouldn't be a reason to file for divorce, not just yet at least. If anything it should drive her to want to understand her husband more; why is he treating her this way.

Look no one is perfect, we all have our flaws. I have made mistakes and my wife has too. In fact my wife has made some darn near fatal ones that even she can admit to and is surprised I stuck around. I'm just glad we cared enough about each other to try and make “us” work. I can't say our relationship is perfect now, but its darn near close it (we all have our ups and downs). We are best friends and adore spending time together and I feel like we got to where we are today only because we both cared enough to understand each other.


To OP, if he won't go to counseling on his own could you seggest going together (how I feel it should be anyways since you are in this together).


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this level of disrespect and abuse. A person doesn't have to be physically hurt to be abused. Intimidation (throwing things, name calling and yelling) can be very hurtful and can erode a marriage. Buying flowers and saying nice things to make up for all you've described is classic abuse behaviour. Would you consider talking with a professional relationship counsellor who is skilled in training people to develop healthy personal boundaries because I'm not sure the behaviour is going to change easily on his side.

I wish you the very best in working out where to get some help if you choose to do so.


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## chatanika (Aug 20, 2014)

I highly recommend the book "Why does he do that?".. It will answer your questions and explain why you are living with an angry, controlling man. When we educate ourselves on abuse, we can then make better decisions for ourselves and future relationships. For real. Look it up online or go check it out at the library. It's a must read for your situation..Good luck!


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