# Wife cheated in 2011



## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

I have had a hard time with this..as you can imagine. I'm now a 40 year old male with a new house...4 step-kids and 2 of my own kids living a life like nothing happened. I met my wife in 2003, and we got married in 2005 after our son was born. Life was going good as I was in love with her and raising the kids etc. As the step - kids got older they got more difficult and because there are so many of them they are obnoxious as hell with each other. My wife has issues with alcohol and was away on business trip...she went to the bar and ended up having affair with this guy she met. I couldn't fathom this but when I got a call from the guys wife it shattered my world. The wife of the guy sent me emails and communication that they had and all of it. It was a total mess. So here we are...and after several weeks of my figuring out what the hell I was going to do I decided to try to make it work. So we say counselors and such but nothing worked. The affair lasted for 3 weeks...and I think they met a few times in that time. So over the time I have tried to make it work, and live a normal life but the step-kids really get me in a funk because of their behavior. They are 19, 16, 15 & 12 and they act worse than they did when they were little. That being said my wife and I sex life is not that good either...too much emotional **** going on in my head and really it's just a huge complex mess. Not sure what to do and how to find inner happiness. I often leave the house and drive just to clear my head..but it's a constant battle to try to live with how hard my life has gotten.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

canboy2012 said:


> I have had a hard time with this..as you can imagine. I'm now a 40 year old male with a new house...4 step-kids and 2 of my own kids living a life like nothing happened. I met my wife in 2003, and we got married in 2005 after our son was born. Life was going good as I was in love with her and raising the kids etc. As the step - kids got older they got more difficult and because there are so many of them they are obnoxious as hell with each other. My wife has issues with alcohol and was away on business trip...she went to the bar and ended up having affair with this guy she met. I couldn't fathom this but when I got a call from the guys wife it shattered my world. The wife of the guy sent me emails and communication that they had and all of it. It was a total mess. So here we are...and after several weeks of my figuring out what the hell I was going to do I decided to try to make it work. So we say counselors and such but nothing worked. The affair lasted for 3 weeks...and I think they met a few times in that time. So over the time I have tried to make it work, and live a normal life but the step-kids really get me in a funk because of their behavior. They are 19, 16, 15 & 12 and they act worse than they did when they were little. That being said my wife and I sex life is not that good either...too much emotional **** going on in my head and really it's just a huge complex mess. Not sure what to do and how to find inner happiness. I often leave the house and drive just to clear my head..but it's a constant battle to try to live with how hard my life has gotten.


Christ sounds like your problems are more than just your wife's infidelity.

It sounds like you are questioning the whole deal with what this woman brings to you in your life 

Forgive my ignorance but I cant quite work out the timescale of stuff the affair was 2011 and you're only working on this now two years later as all the other stuff has presumably brought it all to a head

Sounds like you have few boundaries and hence little respect from everybody in her family.
Think you are going to have to assess what it is *you* actually want from all this

split deal only with your own kids from her in divorce
reconcile but with new rules boundaries that will incorporate dealing with the infidelity and her older children 
or the worst - just carry on which sounds untenable from what you say


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry what you are going through. You both need to be tested for STD's. It does not such like much of a life. You have live one time in this life so make the best of it. You sound very depressed. I would suggest that you contact an attorney just to understand your options.

What made your wife think that this was acceptable behavior? Why did you not divorce her then? What were the consequences to her actions?


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

Why did I not leave her then? 1. i was still in love with her. 2. Children. 3. Did not know what to do

I stuck with it and tried to make it work over the past 2 years. No we don't need to be tested etc. It's not like that. It's me just trying to make the marriage work over time and it not really working. It's me who still has the pain of it because it never really went away. I don't think I'm depressed more sick of my situation and venting on this forum. Not sure what to do still but need to do something soon as you said life is short. Either be happy or get the hell out. I get that. It's not that easy when you have the kids the house and all that ****. Either way...something has to change...and I know I'm the only one who can make the change.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Okay, first is your wife owning up to the affair and showing remorse? Is she doing the Heavy Lifting to make the new marriage work or is she just asking you to Rug Sweep the affair and to from there?

If you answer "No" to either of the above, Why are you trying to "R" because she does not value the marriage and you are doing all the work?

Take a step back from what you are doing and assess the situation. 

What effort is your wife putting into the "R"?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I see several issues here.
- your wife's cheating
- parenting teenagers
- your wife's alcohol use

It might help if you only tackle one at a time.

What exactly has you wife done to prove to you that she's worth you staying with her?

Parenting teens is a huge commitment. I am not surprised you're having trouble here since they're your wife's kids - you probably feel some resentment towards them. That's natural - have you done any reading up on step parenting, and parenting teens? Part of parenting teens is to just weather the storm. My kids are 19, 21 and 23 and we're past the worst of it now, but WOW. Over the last decade there have been a few times I thought I was going to be blown away.

What has your wife done to address her alcohol issues?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

canboy2012 said:


> Why did I not leave her then? 1. i was still in love with her. 2. Children. 3. Did not know what to do
> 
> I stuck with it and tried to make it work over the past 2 years. No we don't need to be tested etc. It's not like that. It's me just trying to make the marriage work over time and it not really working. It's me who still has the pain of it because it never really went away. I don't think I'm depressed more sick of my situation and venting on this forum. Not sure what to do still but need to do something soon as you said life is short. Either be happy or get the hell out. I get that. It's not that easy when you have the kids the house and all that ****. Either way...something has to change...and I know I'm the only one who can make the change.


What happened about the affair?

How did you both deal with this.?

Was there full and unconditional remorse from her ?


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

That's just it, she still was dealing with the booze issue. She loves to have the 'buzz' but she becomes a complete gross person when doing so. And the teenagers...especially step-teenagers is the most difficult. As I said it's so complicated. 

She has felt remorse but really I haven't ever seen her 'make it up' or change anything. She has apologized and tried to gain trust back etc. Just really not sure if it'll ever be the same or better or worse.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

Headspin said:


> What happened about the affair?
> 
> How did you both deal with this.?
> 
> Was there full and unconditional remorse from her ?


yes she was remorseful, but we are now almost 2 years after the affair, and I still think of it. I still deal with the **** from it all..she on the other hand works at her career and has moved on. I think that is the deal is I have never really moved on.just got older and more miserable.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It will never be the same. Never. As a BS, you have suffered a huge trauma.

Please read the Newbie link in my signature.

And it doesn't really sound like your wife has done much to help you out here. Has she stopped going on business trips? Where is the OM now? Do you have complete and unhindered access to all her online activities, bank accounts, credit card statements, email, her phone, everything, no questions asked? Does she show with her actions that she's sorry? Does she talk about it when you need to? Answer all your questions? And does she do all this with an air of humility and not grudgingly?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am 3 years out and I have all of the above. If I didn't I wouldn't be with him.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> It will never be the same. Never. As a BS, you have suffered a huge trauma.
> 
> Please read the Newbie link in my signature.
> 
> And it doesn't really sound like your wife has done much to help you out here. Has she stopped going on business trips? Where is the OM now? Do you have complete and unhindered access to all her online activities, bank accounts, credit card statements, email, her phone, everything, no questions asked? Does she show with her actions that she's sorry? Does she talk about it when you need to? Answer all your questions? And does she do all this with an air of humility and not grudgingly?


No, I don't have access to her phone much..or online ****. I simply stopped checking or feeling the need to check otherwise I'd go ****ing crazy. She has answered all my questions but there are some major loopholes in her stories of the entire situation. She was sorry and has tried to make things work although it's me who doesn't want to be hurt or let her back in...She does get tired of my throwing it in her face of course but I cannot help it...when I get sick and tired I do sometimes say stuff. We all do.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

canboy2012 said:


> when I get sick and tired I do sometimes say stuff. We all do.


No, we don't. I never throw what my husband did in his face. When I made the commitment to R, that was a deal breaker for ME. If I still felt that need I would have to question the entire R.

It sounds to me like you never got the answers you needed so you gave up, and now are still suffering.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And what about the OM? Does she still work with him?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Per you, she has move on and has stopped the "R" because she was remorseful at the begining but you did not heal in her time frame so she stopped doing whatever she was minimally doing to heal you.

Sorry, it is time for you to move on also. 

If you don't this will be the rest of your life.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Per you, she has move on and has stopped the "R" because she was remorseful at the begining but you did not heal in her time frame so she stopped doing whatever she was minimally doing to heal you.
> 
> Sorry, it is time for you to move on also.
> 
> If you don't this will be the rest of your life.


:iagree: This sounds like a terrible situation. You deserve happiness, and it doesn't sound like that is possible when tied to a cheating alcoholic and her four awful kids.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> And what about the OM? Does she still work with him?


She never worked with him. It was a one night stand she had with him while on business trip. Totally cliche. Although they had a 3 week affair he drove to NH from NY to see her during that time.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So are you sure they don't have contact any more?

Does she still go on business trips?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Since she continue to have a drinking problem, and it sounds like she's continued living her life exactly as she did during the affair, is it possible that this wasn't her only such affair?

See, if she was remorseful I think she'd be trying her hardest to fix herself up. Yet, she hasn't, she still drinks, it sounds like she doesn't want to deal with the affair other say "sorry", and she just wants you to move on from holding her accountable.

Yet, she hasn't actually changed her lifestyle or her relationship with you.

She's still drinking, does she still travel for work? 

What I'm getting at is the conditions of her affair life are still the sane way she lives today. So perhaps the problem you are having is your gut is screaming at you that she hasn't put any effort into becoming a faithful wife who put effort into you.

Then there is the fact that she didn't quit the affair or even confess to you. She got caught by the OMW. If that hadn't happened would she have stopped?

Perhaps you should insist that she give up drinking as a condition of R.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

BK23 said:


> :iagree: This sounds like a terrible situation. You deserve happiness, and it doesn't sound like that is possible when tied to a cheating alcoholic and her four awful kids.


She knows about the alcohol issue she has but really I'm always concerned she's going to sneak one behind my back. We recently went to Jamaica and she snuck booze and came through customs pissed drunk along with sinus meds for the flight...god it was the last straw. I told her she do something like this to me again i'm done. 

The kids are not horrible, but really difficult. They respect me but that doesn't stop them from being teenagers. They are fine on their own but put put them together it's all arguing, name calling and stupidity. Problem is she works hard during the day and I am home working. So when they get home from school it's me who has to deal with them. They don't do any after school sports so they just come straight home to be 'bored'. It's tough...


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> So are you sure they don't have contact any more?
> 
> Does she still go on business trips?


From what I know (which may not be much) they do not have contact. and no more business trips...she does want to try on our marrage but I am the one that pushes her away from both the affair perspective and the fact I can't stand raising the boys anymore. I want them to go live with their father for the next few years..he's gotten away with not doing jack **** with them nor paying child support but the boys of course think he can do no wrong. The older boys are old enough now to know...they wouldn't have had the life they have with me with him that's for sure.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My kids' dad owes me over $65,00.00 in CS - he's never paid. He's never been involved either. The kids are far better off without him in their lives. When they were teens, my husband expressed similar thoughts to yours - they should go live with HIM - let HIM deal with them - but that was never really an option. It also wouldn't have been in the kids' best interest.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

canboy2012 said:


> From what I know (which may not be much) they do not have contact.


See, this is something that she should be bending over backwards PROVING to you. You should KNOW. Even now - especially now.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

canboy2012 said:


> From what I know (which may not be much) they do not have contact. and no more business trips...she does want to try on our marrage but I am the one that pushes her away from both the affair perspective and the fact I can't stand raising the boys anymore. I want them to go live with their father for the next few years..he's gotten away with not doing jack **** with them nor paying child support but the boys of course think he can do no wrong. The older boys are old enough now to know...they wouldn't have had the life they have with me with him that's for sure.


Okay it's harsh this but it's time to stand up and be counted.

These kids are old enough to not be stupidly naive obviously. Its sounds to me like you could do a bit more work with them tbh, you sound very embittered about having brought them up but to be fair here, and you may not like it, when you sign up other peoples kids that's part of the deal you can't just say "okay that's that I've had enough of them they can go." They are after all the children of the woman you live with and part of the bargain. It doesn't matter about their father and what he's not contributed you are effectively their dad and have been there all the time 

You should talk more about this with your wife and find some common ground in terms of their respect and behavior towards you. Listen you are the head of the house and you must have respect from all that dwell within. It's time for her to side with you on that one important fact 100%. Maybe if your wife feels you just want to get rid of her kids she also will never respect that will she? It can't help. 

I've brought up other peoples kids and it is hard fking work. It does sound like you should all talk a lot more - it's almost a you and them situation and that ultimately will go tits up.

What about family counseling?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> When they were teens, my husband expressed similar thoughts to yours - they should go live with HIM - let HIM deal with them - but that was never really an option. It also wouldn't have been in the kids' best interest.


Quite 

...no parent would agree to that


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Per you, she has move on and has stopped the "R" because she was remorseful at the begining but you did not heal in her time frame so she stopped doing whatever she was minimally doing to heal you.
> 
> Sorry, it is time for you to move on also.
> 
> If you don't this will be the rest of your life.


I'm not sure....if I am ready to have this as my life or what.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You probably have now the real reason she was divorced before.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Can, God makes babies so cute so that you will bond to them and not kill them when they are teenagers. . That part will pass. But unless she stops drinking completely, the alcohol will always be an issue which will cause you deep pain and place her in jeopardy of further transgressions. Take a look at your life and ask if this is where you want to be 20 yrs from now. If not, then change it. I'd recommend individual therapy for yourself, to try to free you of the codependence of this relationship. Often, family members of alcoholics cannot find peace until they retreat from these toxic people.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

canboy2012 said:


> .. It's me who still has the pain of it because it never really went away. ...


It's called rug-sweeping. BTW, that pain never completely goes away. 

Good thing you found this place...you will get some excellent advice, so please stick around.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

Thanks for the comments. We'll see if I get anything out of this column.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

aug said:


> You probably have now the real reason she was divorced before.


Quite possibly.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If you find out that he affair is still continuing or that there were more lies what would you do ?

You are taking the escapist route. You think if you ignore it long enough, it will go away. Both the affair and the kids


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Nothing Changes nothing changes - Hi Can Guy sorry you are here the only person that can help your spouse is herself ie the Alcohol. If she isnt willing to do that then you either except it or not. Theres not much we can help you with I for one do not believe in marriage at all costs especially if I am the one bearing those costs but that is me. I feel that a marriage should involve 2 whole people working towards a common goal versus one doing everything and the other just saying if i could i would or poor me I am sorry.

Good Luck


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

In_The_Wind said:


> Nothing Changes nothing changes - Hi Can Guy sorry you are here the only person that can help your spouse is herself ie the Alcohol. If she isnt willing to do that then you either except it or not. Theres not much we can help you with I for one do not believe in marriage at all costs especially if I am the one bearing those costs but that is me. I feel that a marriage should involve 2 whole people working towards a common goal versus one doing everything and the other just saying if i could i would or poor me I am sorry.
> 
> Good Luck


I know what marriage is..and I know we both have to be trying. But with all the gunk in my brain that I can't accept or have trouble getting over it's almost impossible to see everything in a new light. I have tried but still struggle.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> If you find out that he affair is still continuing or that there were more lies what would you do ?
> 
> You are taking the escapist route. You think if you ignore it long enough, it will go away. Both the affair and the kids


I know that the affair is over..although don't know if there are others..and don't completely trust her at all with the affair issue and the booze. It's horrible.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If you don't have access to her phone, etc. How can you be sure the affair is over or that a new affair has not started. No offense, but the last one took you by surprise if I understood correctly. Also, are you sure that was her first affair?

I'm not sure I understand some of your posts, this was a ONS that lasted 3 weeks? That I can't quite wrap my head around.

If you do decide to divorce- not a recommendation- know that you can still be a great dad to your children.

Good Luck
WD


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You are aware that 19 is an adult, right?

So tossing one out might put the fear of God...or at least you into them.

Asking him/her the question of where they are moving might suffice. Cause three of them need to be REAL thoughtful about this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is it possible that the kids know about your wife cheating on you and are acting up or out as a result? Or have the spotted the tension?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Canboy you work from home? or your work is a sahd?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ok so this sounds like this affair was pretty much rug swept. 

She went a trip to Jamaica? Really? Without you? Why!? She has a drinking problem, has cheated on you. The only reason you know is because the wife of her AP contacted you. 

1) The trips without you make no sense to me right now. She needed to give these up. What was this trip for?

2) Does she go out to GNOs where there is drinking? If she is blaming the ONS on drinking then she must stop drinking. I get that it is an addiction, but if you claim that you had sex with someone while you were drinking then you don't get to drink without your spouse any more.

3) The liklihood this is her one and only rodeo is very small. She not only claimed it was a ONS BUT she met up with the guy in NH afterwards. That is NOT a drunken bad choice. And when was she able to meet with him in NH? Where was she supposed to be? 

4) With six children how does she have time for work, travel, drinking and affairs? Are you watching the kids while she goes out?

5) Also you do not have 100% transparency. You need access to all of her accounts. Yes she probably will get a burner phone and affair accounts.

6) Why did she divorce? What do you know of her history? Odds are she is a serial cheater. 

7) Why would you put up with her kids like this. Time for the 19 year old to start taking care of themselves. 

8) Ok so what do the finances look like? Who makes what % of the money?

9) Not a good sex life? Then WTH are you still with her for? Please do not say you love her. You can love a faithful woman way better than a cheater?

So if you are not willing to deal with her affair then you need to get a lawyer and seek out your options. Not a bad idea anyway. But for sure you cannot continue what you are doing.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

canboy2012 said:


> Thanks for the comments. We'll see if I get anything out of this column.


Come on C/B you know what you need to do. Do a quick inventory. Youre married to an alcoholic, who laid down with a stranger you know about and who you know you can never trust again, saddling you with a bunch of troublesome step kids you're going to have to support for God only knows how many years, sucking up your resources that could be used to better your own life and those of your kids. Do you think your life is going to get better by "hanging in there"?


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Canboy you work from home? or your work is a sahd?


I work from home. but work weekends during busy season.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

Perhaps I never did deal with the ****. We talked, she said she was sorry. We have been living together now for so long that I'm a miserable bastard. I am trapped because of the complexity of our situation. Kids/house/debt etc. It's all a mess and I don't see anyway out. If I did get out of the relationship it opens up a huge amount of other issues and it's just a mountain of **** to get through. Hell if I know if I can ever really deep down trust her or love her the same. Our sex life is on life support and has been for years. I spend a lot of time just wondering what to do. All I can see is myself getting older and more screwed up daily.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I feel for the kids because they are acting out in frustration with the situation that they had no choice but to be placed in..sounds like they have grown up with neglect/high drama, etc.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

highwood said:


> I feel for the kids because they are acting out in frustration with the situation that they had no choice but to be placed in..sounds like they have grown up with neglect/high drama, etc.


The kids are perfectly fine. They have no idea about the affair or about anything. They have had super active and busy kids lives...so with that being said the issue is private between my wife and myself.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

it sounds like you two need some serious marriage counseling. 


another case of rugsweeping- _doesn't work_. this is why you're feeling the way you do..... you never truly dealt with the situation.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

One thing that can help to 'untrap' you mentally is to ask yourself where you want to be in five years. Ask what a happy life would look like for you.

If you see yourself married to your sober W with the stepchildren grown and out of the house, for example, then work toward that. The first step in that case would be to demand that your W get treated for her alcoholism. And then you would 'help' the 19-yo find his independent living situation.

If you see yourself happy without your W because the A is something you won't be over, then work toward extracting yourself.

Do some serious questioning, not just venting, and then define some simple goals and start to move toward them.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

How about in twenty five years, do you still want to feel the same with this woman that is still drinking?

This is YOUR life. You are either in the Drivers seat or the Passenger seat.

I just came back from the States this morning after burying my older brother. It hit me that I am wasting my time on Earth, worrying about the house, the job, my kids, my ex wife! No More!
No more fear, I am just going to do my best and live my life.

Just my 2 cents. David


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canboy2012 said:


> The kids are perfectly fine. They have no idea about the affair or about anything. They have had super active and busy kids lives...so with that being said the issue is private between my wife and myself.


Glad to hear it however I do think that kids can pick up on things and if their mother is a flake and their bio dad is not in their lives...that affects them greatly whether you think so or not.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

highwood said:


> Glad to hear it however I do think that kids can pick up on things and if their mother is a flake and their bio dad is not in their lives...that affects them greatly whether you think so or not.


The step-kids do see their dad. He has resurfaced into their lives currently. My wife hasn't drank now in front of the kids for quite a while. She has however had an incident with booze about 2 months ago. Not cheating but just she gets so blasted and makes a scene. So with that said I have told her about the drinking that if she does any kind of crap like that I'm 100 percent done. As for the affair it really does seem like I never got over it. It seems like I don't know if I'll ever trust her. I just don't see her in the same light as I used to and that makes me very sad. Because she was my whole world and we had the 'love' thing really going on...but our lives are filled with so much stress that over the years she had the breakdown and here we are today. We did go to MC but then didn't continue after a while because it was hard to get to at that location. I'm not sure maybe today we can seek another MC and talk about our current issues. As stated the kids are all fine and have no idea about any of my wife and I private issues. I am however quite frustrated and moody with the step-kids and even my own son sees it as well. Oh well...I need to **** or get off the pot I guess. I'm obviously a slow mover.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> One thing that can help to 'untrap' you mentally is to ask yourself where you want to be in five years. Ask what a happy life would look like for you.
> 
> If you see yourself married to your sober W with the stepchildren grown and out of the house, for example, then work toward that. The first step in that case would be to demand that your W get treated for her alcoholism. And then you would 'help' the 19-yo find his independent living situation.
> 
> ...


That's just it, I don't know where I'm going to be in 5 years. If you asked me 5 years ago where I would be now I would have never guessed the cheating and ****. So I have no idea....where would I like to be? Good question...


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

DavidWYoung said:


> How about in twenty five years, do you still want to feel the same with this woman that is still drinking?
> 
> This is YOUR life. You are either in the Drivers seat or the Passenger seat.
> 
> ...


It IS my life and I see myself just pissing it all away. I am 40 now and have felt miserable now for years..and then the affair and booze on top of that. Along with the step-kids and such issues. I just seems to large of a problem to deal...so most of the time I'm just a miserable bastard.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canboy2012 said:


> The step-kids do see their dad. He has resurfaced into their lives currently. My wife hasn't drank now in front of the kids for quite a while. She has however had an incident with booze about 2 months ago. Not cheating but just she gets so blasted and makes a scene. So with that said I have told her about the drinking that if she does any kind of crap like that I'm 100 percent done. As for the affair it really does seem like I never got over it. It seems like I don't know if I'll ever trust her. I just don't see her in the same light as I used to and that makes me very sad. Because she was my whole world and we had the 'love' thing really going on...but our lives are filled with so much stress that over the years she had the breakdown and here we are today. We did go to MC but then didn't continue after a while because it was hard to get to at that location. I'm not sure maybe today we can seek another MC and talk about our current issues. As stated the kids are all fine and have no idea about any of my wife and I private issues. I am however quite frustrated and moody with the step-kids and even my own son sees it as well. Oh well...I need to **** or get off the pot I guess. I'm obviously a slow mover.


I hear you regarding "getting over it"...my H had two EA's and even though we are a year past DDay...it still angers me greatly. This was someone I was with for close to 25 years. I never thought he would hurt me like that..ironically just 3 months before I discovered his A, I was telling someone about how even though at times our marriage was not always great at times I knew he would never cheat on me..how wrong I was. 

It does screw you up!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

It is also scary for both men and woman to make a change as well..I have been with H since I was 19..I am now 44. I have never lived on my own...sometimes I wonder if jsut the hassle of going thru a divorce and possibly having to move, etc. is what is keeping me here. Yet at times the thought of being baggage free on my own and perhaps dating again is also kind of exciting!

Honestly I think that is why so many people stay in bad marriages because the thought of uncertainty is more scarier....


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Maybe its time you decide to D and be on your own with your child, and let your wife deal with her 4 kids and her drinking separately. Can't imagine she would put up a big custody fight with 4 already to worry about.

This way you can give your child a stable home life away from all the bitterness you have now (rightfully so).

The frank truth here is that you are married to a woman who is the mother to FIVE kids and still wants to get her buzz on and be unfaithful. Time to go.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

canboy2012 said:


> It IS my life and I see myself just pissing it all away. I am 40 now and have felt miserable now for years..and then the affair and booze on top of that. Along with the step-kids and such issues. I just seems to large of a problem to deal...so most of the time I'm just a miserable bastard.


Well, you know that you could stay in this limbo in your marriage for a very long time, but the children will grow up and out, so that will change on its own.

I know how stuck you can feel and how impossible it can seem to make a big push to change. One thing you definitely can do, though, is draw a line in the sand about the booze. You have complete control over your willingness to accept her drinking.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

canboy2012 said:


> Perhaps I never did deal with the ****. We talked, she said she was sorry. We have been living together now for so long that I'm a miserable bastard. I* am trapped because of the complexity of our situation. Kids/house/debt etc. It's all a mess and I don't see anyway out. *If I did get out of the relationship it opens up a huge amount of other issues and it's just a mountain of **** to get through. Hell if I know if I can ever really deep down trust her or love her the same. Our sex life is on life support and has been for years. I spend a lot of time just wondering what to do. All I can see is myself getting older and more screwed up daily.



She is less invested in this relationship and she is less worried about this Relationship.
You seems to be too depended on her and too insecure. Its time for you to sort out your problems first with help of an expert IC.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> She is less invested in this relationship and she is less worried about this Relationship.
> You seems to be too depended on her and too insecure. Its time for you to sort out your problems first with help of an expert IC.


She's invested in me because she 'loves' me still and neesd me here for the kids sake. I do so much with the kids because I work from home and she is at work. The older boys are 15 and 16 but the way they act like crap and worse than before. You would think it would get easier as the boys get older but it stays the same and sux the life out of me each day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

canboy2012 said:


> yes she was remorseful, but we are now almost 2 years after the affair, and I still think of it. I still deal with the **** from it all..she on the other hand works at her career and has moved on. I think that is the deal is I have never really moved on.just got older and more miserable.


It takes 2-5 years for the BS to recover from an affair. What you are going through it not unusual. 

My suggestion is that you the two following books and read them in the order here: 1) "Surviving An Affair" and then 2) "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley.

It seems that the two of you are doing sort-of ok but have missed some of the basic things that you need to do to get through the affair... for her to prove that she can be trusted again and for you to heal.


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## canboy2012 (Apr 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It takes 2-5 years for the BS to recover from an affair. What you are going through it not unusual.
> 
> My suggestion is that you the two following books and read them in the order here: 1) "Surviving An Affair" and then 2) "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley.
> 
> It seems that the two of you are doing sort-of ok but have missed some of the basic things that you need to do to get through the affair... for her to prove that she can be trusted again and for you to heal.


nice comment..you may be right with your statement.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Teens are much harder to deal with than younger children. Generally step-children are a LOT harder to deal with than your own.

I have 2 step-children and a son from my previous marriage. They are all in their mid 20's now. They were so hard as teens. And step-children do not usually cooperate very well with a step-parent. For this reason, it's usually suggested that step parents not actually "parent" the step children. There are some good books on this topic.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Many people start threads here and mention along with their issues related to infidelity that the spouse has a drinking problem. It's almost always mentioned in passing. When posters try to bring it front and center, the OPs more often than not sidestep it. If people persist in talking about it.....crickets.

You've mentioned your W's drinking but haven't elaborated. Alcohol addiction creates huge dysfunction all by itself and can't easily be separated from whatever else is happening. Many people who speak from experience will tell you that having her be sober would change your dynamic in enormous ways.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

canboy2012 said:


> Why did I not leave her then? 1. i was still in love with her. 2. Children. 3. Did not know what to do


Been there. Am there. Was 2011 the year for cheating wives? What the hell?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> Been there. Am there. Was 2011 the year for cheating wives? What the hell?


Selfish is every year. Man or woman.


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

tulsy said:


> It's called rug-sweeping. BTW, that pain never completely goes away.


I'm 13 years out and finally doing an in-house seperation and moving out soon. My life was forever changed and I am "damaged goods" because of my wifes affair with my supposed best friend. I did the rug sweeping. I balmed him for manipulating, I blamed myself for pushing her away and therefore she became a victim. It always ate at me, I just kept silent. Once it finally came out and I went through counciling and relived it, I realized that she went after him. (she has admitted it too) The pain NEVER goes completely away, and even though I believe she learned from it and would never do it again - I didn't think she would back then. I have to turn the page and see where life takes me for my own sanity! It sucks, but I realize I can't change how I feel, only how I let it affect me.. Time to try something different. Don't stay on the fence too long, it's a pretty painful place to be! I've done the drives, motorcycle rides, stay at work too much, and they are only a temporary fix!


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It takes 2-5 years for the BS to recover from an affair. What you are going through it not unusual.
> It seems that the two of you are doing sort-of ok but have missed some of the basic things that you need to do to get through the affair... *for her to prove that she can be trusted again and for you to heal*.


It can take a lot longer than 2-5 years and may never happen. You said you don't have access to her phone and/or email so who knows what could still be going on? She can do whatever you need to prove that she can be trusted, but where my mind goes is - I though things were ok back then and didn't think she was capable of doing what she did, and she did, so what makes me so sure she isn't still capable now? It's all about character, boundaries, and morals..and we're not all wired the same way! As far as you healing? You can, but it will ALWAYS be there and you will have to continue to deal with it and rationalize or justify what happened for the rest of your life... my opinion. 

Edit - At least you can try to blame it on the alcohol! All I could do was blame it on the fact that my wife loved this "friend", his money, and his lifestyle and I learned that she finally woke up and realized he couldn't be faithful or trusted and she knew I could.. She actually said she was in a bad place and got greedy because he would buy her anything she wanted...including the cruise he took her and her sisters on which was how I finally caught her... Yeah, maybe my situation was much worse! Just saying - don't spend your life on the fence. If you're really not happy, at least try a seperation. Be honest with her and yourself, you know what you want and need... so whatever that may be, do it..


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It takes 2-5 years for the BS to recover from an affair. What you are going through it not unusual.
> 
> You think? I'd be willing to bet that he won't recover in ten years.
> It's just a matter of time before he wonders about the kids being his since he probably doesn't know for sure when the cheating started.
> If his wife is actually repentant, she should be willing to do anything and everything it takes to gain his trust again.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Good God man:

Read all of your posts and pretend it was someone else writing this. What would you advise them? 
1. Your pissing your life away.
2. You feel miserable.
3. You have a wife that cheats on you and has an affair.
4. You have a wife who drinks to excess and is an embarrassment 
to you and herself.

What is wrong with this picture?


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

canboy2012 said:


> Not sure what to do and how to find inner happiness.


Easy, and yes I'm living proof. You want happiness? Leave her and find a decent woman. Preferably one that isn't into partying or going to bars.

As long as you are still married to her, you will not be happy.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Agree with the last few posters. It is your life You are responsible for it. If you can not see where you want to be in the future... If you don't know where you are going any road will get you there. This is not meant as an insult just to hopefully motivate you to do some critical thinking I can't plan your future for you but am guessing that you would like to find happiness a loving significant other to build a positive life with. Sound good? Trust me it is doable. 

Good luck
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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