# Sudden Break Up (Long Story)



## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

I thought I'd just post here because I'd like to just write about this anonymously and get outside opinions from people who don't know me. 
This is going to be very long but cathartic for me, writing about this will help me and if anyone actually wants to read and give an opinion I will be delighted to hear from outside, maybe someone else has had a similar experience. 

My long term girlfriend who I am now and always have been in love with suddenly just left me yesterday with no fan fare, no argument, just gone. 
She has been fairly depressed the last year or so, she had a surgery about a year ago and had to stop taking her pill, which she takes to regulate her hormones rather than just birth control, and she went a bit off the rails afterwards emotionally. (You have to stop taking the pill for blood clotting I believe for a few months before and after surgery) and she never really was quite the same after. She wouldn't be able to take any confrontation, instead of talking she would hold it in and wait until she burst out in a fit of crying and shouting and idle threats of suicide etc. Obviously her hormones mixed with the stress of a now one income young couple paying extortionate rent was trying for her. But this was the life we made and I was stepping up, taking care of her, working hard and making money, had to take loans out just to afford the rent and she was out of work for a while. 
During this time her mother, her god damn mother started dropping poison in her ear. You see typically her mother loathes me. They live 3 hours away and I stole her daughter from her to live in the city with me and she's extremely negative and controlling and wants her daughter back. So she took advantage of her being in a vulnerable state and sold her on the idea of going home. Dropping our life, our house, our cat and going home to live in the middle of nowhere with no opportunities where her mother will 'take care of her'. 
This led to her agreeing and trying to leave, she told me she was going in the morning out of the blue. I spent the whole night upset reasoning with her. Eventually I made her see the reality of the situation and she decided to stay with me. 
In work I recommended her and got her a job, in a totally separate department on the other side of town to me so she would have her independence there. And she took off well, back in work, making money and she generally got happier, rocky but happy. She would start having anxiety attacks, unsure of her life choices all of a sudden yet telling me the only thing she wants is me, our relationship is the most important thing and she loves the city we live in, it's just depression, it's clinical. 
So I encouraged her to get help, she saw a therapist and she told me all about it, the therapist said that her mother and family are negative influences on her life and she needs to be independent and don't feel guilty about it all. She listened. At least I thought she did. 
Her attacks became less frequent, every time I'd hold her and calm her down, even taking time off work to mind her when she was bad. This was very taxing on me both mentally and financially. I know this phase will end, her hormones will balance out and she will be the same determined and kind loving girl that I fell for again in no time, we just need to keep on going. 
And things really lately have been looking up, she's been promoted in her job, made new friends and we have been progressing. 
Often times she would have a few mild goes at me telling me how I don't appreciate her, like how I don't thank her for making dinner enough or things like that. I do say thanks for the record, I don't jump in the air with praise but I do thank her and I do appreciate it and when she says this to me I'll tell her in depth about how much she means to me etc, not just what she wants to hear but also the truth, I'm a man I just don't go on about it on a daily basis. 
She has always been an easily influenced person. She even changes her accent when speaking with different groups of people which is one of the few things I don't like about her. Danger about this is she will listen to people. Her friends lately, they're the type of girls I don't like. All single, early thirties (older than she is) and generally dislike men for past bad relationships. (Not having a go at women here, just these particular ones) I noticed she would start sacrificing our time together to go out with them, doing things she knows I would want no part in, like clubbing etc. I feared they were saying bad things about me to her because I was a totally different type of person to them. Every time she would speak to her family they'd say bad things about me too obviously. It feels like every outside influence she had was negative and she would complain to me more and more about me not appreciating her and she would start being really jealous especially about one female friend I have, who is a good friend who I forcefully have to keep at a distance incase my girlfriend will be set off by her presence. The appreciation bit was so especially frustrating because all I was trying to do was keep her as happy as possible. Do small things to surprise her, even when I had the worst days and when the worst things would happen to me and I'd want nothing more than just vent I'd hold it in, so as not to bother her with my own troubles. My self control levels have increased hugely, I had a mother who was similar in this way and I learned how to keep things to myself, write and keep my own issues to myself. Walking on eggshells is a personal skill of mine)
Sex has become less and less frequent, I never push her for it or guilt her about it when she won't do it. It went from a few times a week, to once a week, to maybe once a month lately. And most of the time she would complain about being sore half way through because I was too big and ripping her or something, I would then stop. But even still there was less and less affection coming from her yet I was as loving as ever towards her. Being constantly supportive and 100% honest with everything still. 

So that's the story of our relationship the last year or so. 

Yesterday I was leaving for work. She had the day off. I kissed her at the door, she was thinking of doing overtime that day, I told her not to because I knew she was stressed. I told her to have a nice day to herself and I'll try to get home as early as possible and we will have a nice evening together. I drove off and waved at her through the window. 
During lunch in work I text her to ask her how her day was and she tells me she's on the train home, she's sorry but she needs to clear her head. 
I thought she was joking at first and she said she's serious, she needs to 'do this' for her. Along with that it's been building up so long and she doesn't feel like she's happy etc. And her therapist said she needs to do things for her now (the therapist who also told her her mother is a control freak, the mother she's now hurriedly running 250 miles towards) 
Then contact stopped. 
Obviously my first reaction was a feeling of betrayal and anger and I told her how I wouldn't ever dream of doing this to her and why wouldn't she just talk to me face to face. 
Very few responses. 
When I got home I tried to call her family to make sure she actually did go home. No answer. After trying for 45 minutes eventually I got a one word response from her sister. So she is there.
Later after many texts from me she said she does blame me. How I don't appreciate her, how I don't love her like I used to and don't treat her well enough etc. And how she's told me 'time and time again' and how I take none of it onboard and change nothing. All completely false. But she doesn't see it like that with the poison being fed to her by her family who just want her home and to abandon her entire life we worked on for more than five years together. 
After she told me she blames me I asked her if she feels for me. She did not answer. 
I told her she is wrong and I just want to help her and home is still waiting for her and I miss her and I left it at that. 
She left the house in a mess. The cat on his own and even left last week's valentine's Day card I got her on the bed as some sort of message I don't understand. 

Since she left I feel numb. I literally feel a pulsating pain in my chest persistently that won't go away, im tired but can't sleep, I'm hungry but can't eat. Work is a living nightmare and I'm stuck doing long shifts without a weekend, working all day and only having the evening to myself all on my own.The house is lonely and the bed is cold. I feel betrayed and angry and sad and confused and alone. Really really alone. She was my best friend, my only real friend. 

Now even if she does come to her senses and comes home can I forgive her? She walked out on me, destroyed my life during an already stressful period for me personally, financially and professionally. She won't speak to me, I haven't called her today because I know she wouldn't answer. She doesn't love me any more yet I feel like all I've done is work tirelessly on our relationship. I feel humiliated, I'm public enemy number 1 in her household for the vile crime of not appreciating her. Her friends probably think I've been abusive. When I feel I've sacrificed so much to keep her. And do I regret the sacrifice? No. I'd do it again because when she is really her she is the best person I've ever known. I was so reluctant to go into a relationship five years ago, I was in college, girls were everywhere, I was sexually active and outgoing and everything was falling into place for me and I didn't want any of it once I met her, initially long distance, rarely getting to see her and I have been 100% loyal and honest with her since. And now she has so callously thrown it all back in my face and left me now without any contact not even knowing if I still have a girlfriend. My entire future is now in bits, thoughts of marriage and children now make me feel like a stupid kid for having ever considered it with her. But I want her back, she is my home. 
I feel that her depression is the cause, not me, not her life, just clinical depression and toxic outside influences who don't really care for her. And now she can finally rationalise the route of all this anguish, me. I'm the perfect scapegoat. Despite what her therapist said, despite the years and years of really hard grind to establish ourselves in this economy living independently, we did it all on our own with no help from anyone. And she's just suddenly walked away from it all. Leaving me not knowing if I've to move back in with my parents and find someone to adopt our cat.

What do I do? My entire life is now different and I hate it. After her I have only a handful of friends left. I can't even tell people she's gone just in case she comes back because I don't want to betray her, make her out to be evil. Even though she's currently dragging my name through the dirt. I don't know how I'm going to tell my parents. They all think she's on holidays. I want her back, I still love her, I feel sorry for her and i just want to cure her mental illness. 
But I also hate her and I don't ever think I can trust her again or if I can never forgive her for wounding me so callously. 

That's my story. Not well written but that's it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are in a sexless relationship with a flake who is out clubbing with single women. Her whole circle of people hate you.
You aren't married and don't have kids.

You need to come to the realization that your ex girlfriend has given you a freaking GIFT by exiting your life.

Go to therapy yourself and figure out why you can't cut loose such an obvious anchor around your neck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hard 180 no contact and block her on everything. 

Stop the phone calls and texts. It just makes you look bad and lowers your status.

*Do not write the long letter pouring your heart out to her like everyone else does in these situations.*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

To much drama and work. There are better out there.

Why in the hell woul you want this back?

You really need to look at your post and wake up


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

That's where I think I'm headed. 
She really caught my by surprise, I kind of regret cracking straight away and trying to convince her she was wrong yesterday. But I guess it's there now, she can read it when she wants and take from it what she can. Maybe she will see sense again. 
Why I can't lose the shackle around my neck, I see her potential. She made me happy when I was a depressive person myself. I have just been going through the last year trying to get her back to herself. My whole adult life it has just been the two of us. It's like jumping into cold water making a giant U turn on it. 
I've thought for a while that it has to have an end. She gets better or we must finish. I know she wants kids, I'd want them too at some point, not soon, not any time soon but eventually. I thought about this a fair amount. If she did this when we had a kid, it won't be like the cat left behind she'd take the kid and use it as a weapon against me spearheaded by her horrible mean ***** of a mother. They'd take me for everything I have. 
I'm now seeing I've just been so naive.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree with Evinrude58, She has given you a gift. But only if you accept it. I understand where you are coming from. I think EV58 does as well. I believe we share similar stories.

It took me a while to digest what happened to me. But I have come around to the idea that my ex gave me the best gift she ever could have when she left. I too was trying to do everything, including your self proclaimed specialty of walking on egg shells.

I was devastated when she left because I had poured the whole of my self into that relationship. So when she left I had no clue who or what I was. It has taken me some time, but not to make excuses, I was married for 24 years and I am considerably older than you. But by focusing on myself and who I am and what I want I have been able to rebuild my life.

That is what you need to do for yourself. Focus on your self, accept the gift and learn the lessons. In time you will see that you do not have to go thru life walking on egg shells. You do not need to feel sorry for your SO. You do not need to bend over backwards or accept anything you can't accept (as with the clubbing). 

Instead become your own man and make your own life. You will find that there are literally thousands of women who won't drag you thru the drama. Won't bad mouth you. Won't deny you sex. Who will treat you like the man you deserve to be treated as. Accept the gift!


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

Thanks for the reply Ynot. 
I think this is good advice. I'll get over feeling sorry for myself, it's still only been 24 hours after zero build up. I'll have a lot of crap to figure out like living arrangements etc and will have to swallow it and restart for the better.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Send her the cat, change the locks, change your phone number and count your blessings.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

JustSomeLad said:


> Thanks for the reply Ynot.
> I think this is good advice. I'll get over feeling sorry for myself, it's still only been 24 hours after zero build up. I'll have a lot of crap to figure out like living arrangements etc and will have to swallow it and restart for the better.


Just remember to be kind to yourself


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

She's too messed up to ever marry. She would make her husband's life hell. And I sure hope she never has a kid. It sounds like you're ready to move on, and that's a great idea.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@JustSomeLad, beyond BC, was her use of the pill to regulate hormonal imbalance associated with severe acne? If not, do you know what the purpose was? I'm mostly just curious as I'm not really familiar with its use outside of that.

Nevertheless, are you certain her behavior is the result of imbalanced hormones and depression? 

Couldn't help picking up on a few things that suggest otherwise but I'd prefer that one of the more experienced posters jump in: @Uptown.


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> @JustSomeLad, beyond BC, was her use of the pill to regulate hormonal imbalance associated with severe acne? If not, do you know what the purpose was? I'm mostly just curious as I'm not really familiar with its use outside of that.
> 
> Nevertheless, are you certain her behavior is the result of imbalanced hormones and depression?
> 
> Couldn't help picking up on a few things that suggest otherwise but I'd prefer that one of the more experienced posters jump in: @Uptown.


She did have acne as a teenager and it did help clear it up but apparently it was also for her head. When she was a child she would have these freak outs all the time, she was on the ragged edge. Her family are all toxic. Incredibly judgemental shallow-minded, small town attitude type of people. If you aren't their religion, from a 20 mile radius, don't have a great job or dont come from money they want nothing to do with you. They, her siblings and mother (not her dad, he's beaten and depressed, actually a nice guy who was belittled to the point of no return by the domineering mother) all of them constantly torment her. You should be doing this, you should be doing that, this interest you have is pathetic, why try when you're only going to fail. 
This had a huge impact on her and I could understand why she would have issues coming from that place, as clearly pointed out by her therapist, not just my own opinion. 

Apparently the pill also helps regulate estrogen which causes women to be, well typical women, emotional and impulsive. And it helps just make some women a bit calmer. 

I really thought I could help her, she said I was helping, I believed her. 
As much as she has screwed me I still can't really blame her because it doesn't really seem like it was a conscious decision on her part. She's truly miserable and she's just gone and ruined her life on an impulse. 

I hope she doesn't try anything stupid, that she really can't come back from. 

She's in the worst environment she could possibly be in right now and I know I sound egotistical but she just removed the one support she had away from that sesspool of negativity that caused her issues in the first place. 

As much as I want to be free from it all I invested 5 years of my life in a girl who is kind and gentle and, now seems stupid to say, very caring and generous under all her severe issues and I don't want her causing harm to herself. It's another dynamic of my situation.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

JustSomeLad said:


> She's in the worst environment she could possibly be in right now and I know I sound egotistical but she just removed the one support she had away from that sesspool of negativity that caused her issues in the first place.
> 
> As much as I want to be free from it all I invested 5 years of my life in a girl who is kind and gentle and, now seems stupid to say, very caring and generous under all her severe issues and *I don't want her causing harm to herself.* It's another dynamic of my situation.


No, you don't sound egotistical at all. Quite the opposite.

Has she physically harmed herself before or engaged in other forms of self destructive behavior in the past? (eg. drug addictions, eating disorder, alcohol abuse)


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

She doesn't drink which is a damn good thing. Only time she does is when she's with her annoying friends. Cackling loud dramatic friends who she does not belong with. 
Last time she was out we had a day out to the beach planned for the next morning. Instead of taking it easy and getting up early the next morning she drank heavily like she's not used to and got sick in the pub. I had to go to her and throw her in a taxi and take her home. Obviously we didn't go to the beach. I went with my dad instead, very romantic. 
When I got back home instead of me getting to be mad with her she gave me the same old you don't appreciate me spiel. I didn't appreciate that. But I said very little. She was very cold after that up until now and I've been making sure she's had to do 0 housework and cooking and still she leaves. 

That's beside the point but painting the picture. 

She has stayed away from drugs. Thankfully. 

She has 'tried' to kill herself a few times during her, I don't know what to call them, episodes. 
It's shameful to even say but I saw her frantically trying to jam a rusty nail into her wrist a few months ago. She was on the floor crying, and a nail was nearby (fell off the door as she slammed it) 
I had to pry it off her. 
She says she stood by the river thinking about throwing herself in, throwing herself in front of trucks etc. 
When she would have her fits, like the last one the other week she punched herself in the face a few times before I managed to manhandle her and she was trying to break loose to go at the knifes in the kitchen to use on herself. 
These are what the fits, or episodes or whatever are like. 

After her first one I made her go to the doctor the next day, I went in with her to make sure she told the doctor everything and that's how she got in touch with the shrink.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@JustSomeLad, what is your plan should she come back?


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

And honestly I was amazed the doctors and therapists recommended no medication. Nothing. No diagnosis, zero. 
Best she got was a few valium, valium I forced her to take during the last fit. 
I know a lot can be said about the American health care system and the over prescribing needless medication but it's the polar opposite on this side of the Atlantic. She needs medication of some sort and even when she seeks the help it's not given to her. That's very frustrating.


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

Honestly. I don't know.
For me, I'd like her to come back at least to sort out our rent and finances and split maturely like adults. Fat chance. 

The plan that seems like a bad idea for me, but also maybe the most responsible for her. She comes back and really goes out and gets the help she needs that I can't give her. She needs to figure out a lot of her own issues. Blaming me is the most frustrating bull**** she has ever come up with.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

JustSomeLad said:


> Honestly. I don't know.
> For me, I'd like her to come back at least to sort out our rent and finances and *split maturely like adults. Fat chance*.
> 
> Agreed. She's not capable of doing that. She's shown you that she doesn't have the capacity to handle emotionally difficult situations like a normal, mature adult. This will be no different.
> ...


Just want to be certain you're looking at the reality of the situation here.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

@*Keke*, thanks so much for the callout.



> She has been fairly depressed the last year or so, she had a surgery about a year ago and had to stop taking her pill, which she takes to regulate her hormones.


*Lad*, in your opening post, you seem to describe a GF who was a sheer delight to be around for four years and then -- when she stopped taking a hormone pill -- suddenly started threatening to kill herself, stabbing her arm with a nail, and perceiving of you as the awful man who caused all of her unhappiness.

Keke and I have noticed, however, that you are describing many warning signs for a "Cluster B" personality disorder that would have started in her early childhood. When a person suffers from such a PD, what typically happens is that they are wonderful and glorious during the infatuation period, which usually lasts 4 to 6 months. Yet, because your relationship started out long distance, that infatuation period could have lasted a full year.

As long as the infatuation is strong, it holds the person's fears at bay and convinces her that you pose no threat. As the infatuation starts to evaporate, however, the fears return and you will start triggering them -- releasing the anger and hurt she has been carrying since early childhood. The result is that you will see a woman turn, almost on a dime, from adoring you to devaluing (or even hating) you. And five hours or five weeks later, she can flip back just as quickly -- in less than a minute. This is the scenario that Keke and I are suspecting you are experiencing.

Yet, if that were true, you almost certainly would have seen strong signs of emotional instability during the first four years of your five-year R/S. It likely would have started showing within a year. But, if you lived a distance apart for one or two years, the instability would have started showing immediately after you both started living together in the same town. 

If that did not occur -- and if it is true that your GF exhibited no instability or abusive behavior until she stopped the pill -- then you are NOT describing warning signs for a PD. Instead, you are describing warning signs for a temporary flareup of bad behaviors that likely was caused by the change in her hormones. This is why Keke has been asking you several questions about the hormones and your GF's past history of self abuse. I join Keke in asking you WHEN the problems with your GF started during your 5-year R/S. Are you sure that they only started one year ago when the hormone pill was discontinued?


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

Absolutely she had issues before the last year. It's just the last year really accelerated the whole thing. 
She was a delight to be around, but even in the very early days she had issues. 
She had a couple of episodes with me even when long distance. Very seldom, very far apart. Enough to forget about them. 
She would occasionally say something completely stupid and out of character. Or even when long distance she would complain about me to her mother and sisters. 
I chalked that down to just immaturity, I mean I was only 19 and she was 17 at the start. 
Then after living together she would have very occasional episodes of crying and shouting but never anything bad enough like what has been going on lately, and it was almost always about her family and how the treat her and the pressure they put her under. Never this sort of darkness that's in her now. Never any betrayals. 
I had a terrible year the year before last, struggled the year with a few personal failures and had a few bereavements in quick succession immediately followed by losing a job I loved. And she was an absolute rock for me for it all then. Never did she ever complain about anything. Even when I was unemployed for a couple months, grieving and drinking and staring at the ceiling. She was brilliant and helped me get over it all. But that was only a couple of months of me being a kill joy that she had to put up with there.
Her jealousy was always getting worse too, it was bad to start with, eased off then got worse again. 
She was jealous about my ex's (I had a few and she had no real ones), bumped into a few of mine while out and about and they would set her off a bit afterwards. 'I see how she was looking at you' or even with my plutonic friend I get the same response. Not to say I don't harbour jealousies myself but nothing extreme, nothing I would grief her over.

But it has been an ongoing thing, and I identified she had some issues at the start but thought so do we all and I thought I could help her by just having proper conversations with her. 
Now when we talk about anything serious she shuts off, retreats into herself or cries and tells me to stop. And I better stop or she will have a full fit. 

And I don't think I can risk any more of my sanity for it. As I said I was a bit of a depressive person to start with even with just my own issues, I feel like I've been just about holding it all together myself and I don't know if I'd be able to take it with this new extreme of this life and death level. 
I would very much like the mature solution, but I'm not dumb enough to think that will ever work.


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

@Keke and @Uptown 

Thanks, you've led me on to something. 
Borderline personality and histrionic disorder do sound like they fit the bill. From symptoms to causes. It is eery reading the personality descriptions fitting so well.
I'm going to have to introduce this idea to her. Nobody else will. And she can take it to her therapist, either here or she can find one at home and get a proper diagnosis and work on it. 

Now, even though she left me I feel like if I leave her do it on her own I will be turning my back on someone who is unwell and that will take some doing on my part.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> Borderline personality and histrionic disorder do sound like they fit the bill.


Actually, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is what Keke and I are suspecting. 
Lad, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling demands, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, paranoia, impulsiveness, black-white thinking, self harm such as cutting, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD. 

Significantly, I'm not suggesting that your exGF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, I'm suggesting she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person who exhibits strong BPD traits which can make your life miserable regardless of whether they are so severe as to exceed the diagnostic threshold. Hence, if you ever feel strongly tempted to reconcile with her, I recommend you consult with a psychologist to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you are dealing with.



> She punched herself in the face a few times before I managed to manhandle her and she was trying to break loose to go at the knifes in the kitchen to use on herself.


Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the American diagnostic manual, BPD is _the only one_ for which "Self harm such as cutting" is listed as a defining symptom. See *9 BPD Traits at NIMH*.



> I'm going to have to introduce this idea to her. Nobody else will.


I advise against telling her. If she is a BPDer, her subconscious mind works 24/7 protecting her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting most of her hurtful thoughts and feelings onto YOU. She therefore almost certainly will project the accusation back onto you. Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she likely would be absolutely convinced that you are the BPDer. 

I therefore suggest that, if you contact her again, you encourage her to see a psychologist and let him decide what to tell her. Here in the States, psychologists generally are loath to tell a high functioning BPDer the name of her disorder -- because it often is not in the patient's best interest to be told.



> She would start having *anxiety* attacks.... She has been fairly *depressed* the last year... She needs *medication* of some sort.


Medication will not make a dent in BPD. Yet, because nearly all BPDers suffer from at least one co-occurring clinical disorder, they usually are given prescriptions for meds targeted to treat those other disorders. A recent study found, for example, that 81% of female BPDers also suffer from an anxiety disorder and 80% suffer from a mood disorder such as depression.



> She even changes her accent when speaking with different groups of people which is one of the few things I don't like about her.


A BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old, which means she has an unstable, weak sense of who she is. That is, her self identity is very fragile and unstable. A BPDer therefore tends to mirror the personality of whatever person she is engaged with at the moment. 

This is why it is common for BPDers to take on the personalities of a wide range of different types of people -- and to move effortlessly from one group of people to another. She has spent a lifetime learning how to be accepted. Significantly, BPDers do this not to manipulate and deceive people (as narcissists and sociopaths will) but, rather, to fit in and be loved. 

The result is that, after the breakup, it is common for the abused partners to complain that their mates ran off with somebody who is totally different from them. Lawyers and doctors, for example, will complain that their Ex rode off into the sunset with a leather-clad biker.



> I'm the perfect scapegoat.


To the extent a BPDer has a lasting self identity at all, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." This is why a BPDer allows you to remain in the R/S only as long as you continue to play one of two roles: The Rescuer or The Perpetrator. When you play either of those roles, you are "validating" her false self image of being "The Victim." This is one reason that, during your 5 years with her, she would flip back and forth between perceiving you as The Rescuer (while splitting you white) and The Perpetrator (while splitting you black).



> She says I don't love her like I used to.


If she is an untreated BPDer, it will be impossible to convince her for any extended period that you truly love her. Until she learns how to love herself, she will be unable to believe that anyone else can do it. Even if you do manage to convince her that you love her for a few days, she will live in fear that you will abandon her as soon as you realize how empty she is on the inside.



> Sex has become less and less frequent.


That is common with BPDers. During the honeymoon period, sex usually is very intense and frequent because the infatuation holds her two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at bay. When the infatuation starts fading, however, the fears return and a BPDer will not be able to tolerate intimacy for very long before she starts feeling suffocated and controlled by you. This engulfment may even be so strong that she feels like she is disappearing into your strong personality. The result is that, following intimacy or in the middle of a great weekend, a BPDer will start a fight over absolutely nothing so as to push you away.



> Every time I'd hold her and calm her down.


Like young children, BPDers are too emotionally immature to be able to do self soothing or otherwise control their own emotions. They therefore are attracted to a mate having a strong stable personality because that mate can provide them with the self identity they lack and help to calm them. Sadly, your calming efforts accomplish little because your very presence in the home serves to frequently trigger her two fears.



> Even if she does come to her senses and comes home can I forgive her?


Of course you can forgive her. Likewise, when you have a young daughter some day, you will be able to forgive her over and over for the times she throws temper tantrums -- and for the times she says "I hate you, Daddy" when you take a toy away. But forgiving is not the issue here. Rather, the issue is whether a woman who is emotionally stunted at the level of a four year old is a good marriage candidate for you.



> She is the best person I've ever known.


If she is a BPDer, she likely is a good person. A BPDer's problem is not being BAD but, rather, being UNSTABLE. Most BPDers that I've met are delightful people that are easy to fall in love with -- and are fun to be around as long as you don't make the mistake of trying to establish a close intimate relationship (which will trigger their two fears). Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.



> *Walking on eggshells* is a personal skill of mine.


You will need that skill if your exGF is a BPDer and you decide to take her back. There is a good reason why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is titled, _Stop Walking on Eggshells_.



> What do I do?


Lad, if you ever feel tempted to reconcile with her, I would suggest you consult with a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself _ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you learn to spot the BPD red flags to see if most apply to your exGF's behavior.

Of course, learning to identify these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and may help you decide whether the situation warrants your seeking guidance from a psychologist.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join *Keke* in discussing them with you. Take care, Lad.


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

I have been doing more research in work today, bit difficult when I haven't been able to sleep the last 2 nights but still getting places in my delirium. 

I found evidence which linked estrogen and BPD which supports how this all accelerated after her coming off the pill after her surgery. 

'Individual differences in women's estrogen cycles may be related to the expression of BPD symptoms in female patients. A 2003 study found that women's BPD symptoms were predicted by changes in estrogen levels throughout their menstrual cycles, an effect that remained significant when the results were controlled for a general increase in negative affect.'


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

JustSomeLad said:


> I found evidence which linked estrogen and BPD which supports how this all accelerated after her coming off the pill after her surgery.


Yes, *Lad*, that's why @*Keke* (post 11) asked _"Are you certain her behavior is the result of imbalanced hormones and depression?"_ And that's why *Keke* asked (post 13) whether your exGF has a past history of self harming. 

Similarly, I cautioned (post 19) that _"If it is true that your GF exhibited no instability or abusive behavior until she stopped the pill -- then you are NOT describing warning signs for a PD. Instead, you are describing warning signs for a temporary flareup of bad behaviors that likely was caused by the change in her hormones."_

Significantly, the most common cause of the strong BPD behaviors you see in the general population is not the lifetime disorder but, rather a temporary flareup of BPD behaviors caused by a hormone change or drug abuse. The following is my understanding of the prevalence of BPD behavior:


Everybody on the planet sometimes exhibits very strong BPD traits.
Six percent of the population exhibits persistent strong traits that are called "lifetime BPD" because these symptoms typically are entrenched in the mind before age five.
There may be an additional 5% or 6% of the population who exhibit strong lifetime BPD symptoms but are not said to "have BPD" because -- under the current DSM-5 rules -- they satisfy only 80% or 90% of the existing diagnostic criteria (which are going to be replaced). But those folks would be nearly as difficult to live with as the folks satisfying 100% of the criteria.
The remaining share of the population (i.e., roughly 88%) do not exhibit lifetime BPD traits because their strong BPD symptoms are not persistent over time. Instead, they occur in temporary flareups of their normal BPD traits.
The most-common cause of these flareups is a hormone change (e.g., puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, PMS, perimenopause -- or any other life event starting with the letter "p" LOL). The second-most-common cause of flareups is drug abuse.
Although these flareups are "temporary," they can last for several years, as is especially true for puberty and perimenopause.
Because 100% of the population exhibits these flareups (typically at multiple points in their lifetimes), the vast majority of strong BPD behaviors seen in the population are due to flareups, not to the persistent condition called "BPD."
Although far less common, BPD flareups also can be caused by a head injury or severe stress such as PTSD.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> You are in a sexless relationship with a flake who is out clubbing with single women. Her whole circle of people hate you.
> You aren't married and don't have kids.
> 
> You need to come to the realization that your ex girlfriend has given you a freaking GIFT by exiting your life.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Something I have noticed as this thread has played out, is that this was far from a sudden break up, however it has been a very long story. OP, I know I suggested it earlier and you thanked me for it, but you need to start focusing on yourself.

Whether you like it or not, she has decided that you are responsible for what she is going thru. She has identified you as the source of her problem. And now she is even more surrounded by a support network that would agree with her and reinforce her opinion even more.

You need to stop contacting her, or even think about helping her, because really there is nothing you can do. It doesn't matter whether it is her estrogen pills or PTSD or whatever that causes her to act as she does. Because you are helpless to assist her in anyway. 

I know it is hard, as I said I was in your shoes. But you have to do it. A very fortuitous thing is that she is gone and not around for you to bump into or close enough for you to run over to her place to see.


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

No contact again today. Nada. 

Got home and found the place was raided. Her ***** mother must've driven her down to take the rest of her stuff. The place looks like a bomb hit it. 
She left a note on the table. It said she was sorry it came to this and she knows I love her but it isn't enough and it's for the best for us both and we can both have better lives now. And take care of myself. 
She left me the cat. 
She didn't leave the rent money. 

I couldn't stay there. I took the cat, took him to my parents house, drank some whiskey and went back to my parents where I'll stay tonight. I told my parents what happened, my mother saw her as her own daughter, I think she's more upset than I am. 

This is still all so unreal. 
Just two days ago everything was normal and all was on track to better things. Now I'm in my childhood bed just wondering how I got here. 

This all isn't her. She has destroyed everything we worked for for so long just on a whim, and her puppet master mother has finally got her own way. 

If she continues on this self destructive path towards her ultimate demise I have no way of helping her. I fear if she really is BPD she is on a short road towards the end. And it's now suddenly all completely beyond my control. As much as I believe I should treat this as a gift I don't know how I can just turn it off like a tap. I'm in utter shock.
Even in my own parents house with all my old stuff I've found things she made me or got for me that I left here, different memories of her staying over when we were in the beginning. All my favourite songs remind me of her and us singing together. Everything is tainted and I feel like such a fool.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

JustSomeLad said:


> This is still all so unreal.
> Just two days ago everything was normal and all was on track to better things. Now I'm in my childhood bed just wondering how I got here.


Man, you need to stop thinking like this. Two days ago you had a fantasy that everything was normal. But it wasn't or you wouldn't be here today. You need to stop putting her on a pedestal and start looking at her for who she really is. The person you loved is no more. Whatever happened to her - there is nothing you can do for her. She must do it for herself, if she even wants to. Which from what you have said, she most certainly doesn't. 
Read over all of the anguish and things that she did and ask yourself if that is the kind of "normal" you want? Suicide? Clubbing? No sex? Threats to leave? Her family? Is that REALLY what you want out of life?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JustSomeLad said:


> No contact again today. Nada.
> 
> Got home and found the place was raided. Her ***** mother must've driven her down to take the rest of her stuff. The place looks like a bomb hit it.
> She left a note on the table. It said she was sorry it came to this and she knows I love her but it isn't enough and it's for the best for us both and we can both have better lives now. And take care of myself.
> ...


 @JustSomeLad you and the cat need each other. 

See a solicitor to check your legal position, protect your bank accounts if need be.

You did your best for her. Which her mother resented.

See your own doctor for some short term help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*MODERATOR MESSAGE:-
*
@JustSomeLad please ignore posters who clearly have no fellowfeel for you or your situation and no understanding of what you have gone through and are going through.

But the vast majority of folks here *do* have your back.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

JustSomeLad
Everything you have said here leads me to believe that she has way too many issues for you to be the KISA. Her family and her have shown you a massive amount of disrespect, and consequently, I would counsel you that this relationship is irretrievable at this time. If she would come home and agree to intense therapy and medication, then I would say that there is some chance.

That being said, I counsel you to send one last letter. Break up with her, and tell her that she broke your heart, but she is so damaged that she needs to work on herself so that one day she can be free of her negative family and friends. Let her know that you hope this life she has chosen will not further damage her, but in all honesty, you cannot see it not being damaging. Leave it at that. Tell the truth, turn your back and move in the direction of your own healing. Although it does not feel like it now, sir, from what was said, she is toxic to you. I suggest you use this time to fix yourself financially. Lose the money pit apartment. Maybe think of moving to where you can find decent employment and an apartment that will not drag your last penny out of you. Given that this relationship is not working, go make peace with yourself and rebuild your life. You will be surprised at the good things that come your way when negativity and drama are subtracted.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You don't realize it now but one day when you look back you'll be very glad that train wreck didn't impact your life long term


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Lad-

Cluster B diagnosis cannot be helped with medication.

Bi-polar yes if patient is compliant and actually takes the medication.

I personally think you are lucky to have your parents and your childhood home to comfort you. 
Do not see this as being weak.

You need all the love and support you can get and spend a few days or weeks being in a safe place with people( parents) who you know actually love you and have your back.


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

@Taxman 

Thanks. 
I would want to forgive her and help her if only she didn't disrespect me so much. 
She probably made a big deal of changing her relationship status on Facebook today (yeah, I stalked) 

I always despised her family from day one, being honest with her I always made it abundantly clear that they were terrible, negative people. She always, for so many years agreed. 
It's that all of this was done behind my back, with no say, no defence. That's the hardest part to take in. I don't even know if she's sad or angry or happy or relieved. I just don't know. I got my balls cut off in my sleep. 

Instead of sending her a letter maybe I could send her a link to this thread, she would love that. She would feel so special.

I understand that the best way forward is to focus on myself now. The best revenge I'd ever get is with my own future success. What they want is for me to drive 3 hours to their door on my knees crying in the rain or something, I imagine they are expecting me to at least send flowers or call the house phone at midnight sobbing. I'm giving them all zero satisfaction anyway, I wish the worst for them and to be honest I'm delighted that her mother will never be my child's grandmother. I am lucky I was always responsible there. They would absolutely use my own child as a weapon against me, this would be a driving force towards never getting back with her even if she comes to her senses and grovels, it'll only happen again in another 5 years. I am paranoid she may have left because she got pregnant and didn't tell me or something, but that's just confused speculation. Maybe she cheated on me and couldn't face up to it. Or maybe I'm just giving her too much credit and she really is just a coward. 

To be honest, at first in my confusion I was almost hoping someone here would tell me I did something wrong, that there was some sort of cause and effect on my part, it's really clear now there wasn't. She was probably just mentally vulnerable and was taken advantage of by people who seek to do her no good. She will revert back to an infantile state there and never get her own autonomy until her ***** mother does the world a favour and shuttles off for good. 
It makes me angry to see someone who I sacrificed the better part of a decade of my life for just throw away her entire life so casually. More so than the hurt she caused me personally, now I have to re-evaluate and rebuild and try to find some sort of meaning again. 

I can't feel too bad for myself when I am lucky enough to have a very small but supportive family when it comes down to it. I feel sorry for her. And disillusioned with the naive confidence I had before that I could help her and her many profound issues. 

I appreciate the posts here anyway, it's all very helpful for me.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

I know this sounds almost impossible but you HAVE TO GO NO CONTACT.

You are going to creep on SM and she will intentionally bait you.

Block her number and her emails.
No conversation about the cat or her clothes or what a bastard you are.

IF she is truly BPD- you personally need to detox for a few weeks.

What she told you was up is really down, and down up. You actually do know what color the sky is and the squirrels will go live in her house and leave yours.

The point is- real reality will come back to you if you stay away no matter how hard it is to not engage. 

Go to your DR and get something for sleep. 

You can do this.


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

I would be lying if I said I haven't sent her a few texts. It was hard to stay that disciplined when you're so tired and in shock still. I thought she could do with some reminders of the real world at least. If there's any part of her left in there she will read them over and they might eventually do her some good. I'm leaving it at that, there's not gonna be any grand gestures. No proclamations of love or dismay. 

Personally, I'll be fine. I'm stable enough to get used to being on my own again. Sleeping pills would be nice to turn my brain off though because this lack of sleep is a killer


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

You can ask Dr. For non- addictive and or off label meds that have far less side effects than an Ambien or Lunesta type med.

If you are posting from Europe right now,you need a med.
Lack of sleep will make you kooky pretty quick.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I agree, there are many sleep aids and talk to the doctor. There are a few other things he probably should prescribe. This is a psychologically devastating time, and there is no dishonour in getting some help. Like I said, time for yourself. As my mother used to say, you need this like a hole in the head. (Sounds much better in yiddish.)


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

If it helps, consider the following story.

I'm a huge baseball fan. "Somehow" when I found the "love of my life", I really didn't watch it all that much. Her kids needed the TV, there were "jobs" for me to do. What I wasn't telling myself was the truth. Every time she walked into the room, the hair on the back of my neck stood up because I knew she'd find fault with whatever I was/wasn't doing.

When she moved out, I felt like you did. Reaching out... all that jazz. Then I found myself watching a baseball game. And, suddenly, I connected with "me"

Hey, this is what I do. I actually ENJOY blaming the manager and looking at all the inside stuff that makes it fascinating - and I'm doing it stress-free without "interruptions"

When pains in the ass disappear, it's a good thing - even if you love them.

Take some joy in being "you" again. This is likely the biggest source of your problems - having lost your real self.


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

A new and terrible update today. 

I looked at the company register and saw she came into work today. Worked the whole day long. 
She didn't quit her job. She just took time off. 
She didn't move 200 miles back home. She is living somewhere here right under my nose. 
Did her mother drop her down to clear out my flat? Or was it one of her obnoxious friends? She must be staying with one or her friends, her friends she's only known a few months and right under my nose this was planned. 
She must be telling them all terrible things about me, stories, lies. She completely deceived me even more than I thought she did. 

Foolishly in anger I rang her work phone from work and you know what she did? She put her boss on the phone to tell me to stop calling immediately or they will take action. 
I then realised it was worse than I thought, she would actually have me fired. Fired from the job I used to get her her job when she really needed it most. I introduced her to her friends she's now using to drag my name through the dirt in the company I got her in to. 
I then texted her, I know I should be no contact but I was almost having a panic attack trying to hold in the rage. I told her we need to talk. Sort it out, have closure. 
She finally wrote me back, saying we don't. She already told me apparently. She wasn't being treated right and didn't feel happy anymore she says. 
Does she know what irony is? 
I wouldn't dump a one night stand like this nevermind someone who gave 5 of the best years of their life to me. 
Plus the god damn cat I've been trying so hard the last few days to find a new home for. (Unsurprisingly people don't want cats) 

I now realise I have to stay no contact. Absolutely. She is an insane person with absolutely no compassion and zero empathy. A sociopath. 
She will go to the police if I go to her, I know she will and she will get me fired from my job and probably get a barring order on me. 
I will say nothing and if she doesn't pay me the rent she owes I will go to small claims court and get it that way. It's funny how you have to give a landlord a month's notice but you can just walk out on your partner with a drop of a hat.

Last week she wrote me a love letter in the morning. Apologising for one of her tantrums she had the night before. She said 'I love you more than I could ever explain' 
Then this week she's telling her boss I'm harassing her by calling her Once. Just once. 
I fear she will poison people against me and in my home town, not hers. I don't think she's gonna snap out of it. She didn't feel pressured by her life or her job, it was just me. The one person who always supported her through everything. And because what, I didn't say thanks that one time she made me a cup of tea? 

I might call her therapist. Talk to him. Tell him everything. I have his number, I found one of her receipts from the place. Maybe he could help her if I tell him her true self. Maybe she lies to him too. 

But also I'm not bothered. I'd rather she had died. Died a good person rather than live to be this horrible wretched shell of herself. 
She came from a terrible, rough family and it seems no matter how much you try to do otherwise, the apple never falls far. 
I figure she resents that I come from a decent background full of people who know decorum and treat each other with respect and have dignity and generally try to do the right thing. She scoffed that some of my family, including my mother are religious. She scoffed that the other side of my family are wealthy. 
She always said she hated how my parents spoke down to me and sometimes belittled me. Again, does she know what irony is? 

I feel like she was just acting our whole relationship and now she's just found her own level with the scum she works with. I always thought I was a good judge of character. I was very wrong. I only hope she eventually realises how terrible she is.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She is showing you who she truly is.
Believe it.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

JustSomeLad said:


> A new and terrible update today.
> 
> I looked at the company register and saw she came into work today. Worked the whole day long.
> She didn't quit her job. She just took time off.
> ...


Are you done indulging your inner Knight in Shining Armor?

I can tell you with the benefit of experience, she sees none of this and the WORST possible thing you can do is attempt to explain it to her.

She is firmly in the Victim Chair and will not be leaving it.

inside, she is in survival mode and has justified all her actions through that prism - or she wouldn't be doing them.

So, what are you going to do for you?

I'm hopeful the next post won't be about her.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

JustSomeLad said:


> I have just been going through the last year trying to get her back to herself. My whole adult life it has just been the two of us. It's like jumping into cold water making a giant U turn on it.


You cannot "get her back to herself." That doesn't even make sense. 

She is no longer your girlfriend. She broke up with you. She is moving on. Let her go.

She has changed. People change. You two are not suited to each other. You cannot make a relationship work with someone who is self-centered. Self-centered people make horrible relationship partners, because they are only concerned with themselves and their own feelings. This is clearly the case with this woman. She does not care about you or your feelings and she surrounds herself with people that seem to hate you.

Agree with the poster above who said you need to find out why you have such low standards and are willing to be treated this way. No healthy person would want her back. Be thankful that you are rid of her. 

This isn't to say that you shouldn't be hurt. Of course you are hurt. You've been mistreated. You love this woman and she isn't returning your love anymore. That hurts. I get that. But it's over. She does not love you. She is complaining about you not loving her, but that's not true. She is projecting her feelings onto you to justify what she is doing.


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

It's not that I have low standards or am willing to be treated like this. I don't and am not. With every girl I was ever with before her, there were a few, I resisted relationships. I saw the fault in everyone. It's just that she somehow was different and I just for the first real time gave her everything and left myself open to being destroyed, and she eventually and so suddenly took that opportunity. 

The thing is that she apparently changed so much so suddenly. A complete change of her character. She always seemed to be caring and loving and good and generally made life better. I was always proud to have her with me. 
She had plenty of issues that arose, I was too young and naive at the very beginning for them to ring alarm bells for me. After a year or two they came to light and I thought what sort of person would you be if you abandon someone because they have a few issues and cause you grief every now and again. I supported her because I was commited to her I suppose. I felt had a duty to do it. So I put up with her drama which got increasingly worse. I don't regret doing that either, I just wanted to do the right thing. 

I do fear that all I thought we had in common was only her emulating my own personality, I think she believed it too. I can tell she never thought for herself (symptom of her childhood, cause of her issues, no sense of self) Possibly once her infatuation ended and she got outside influences she started to emulate them rather than me, emulating ugly, bitter women who resent supportive relationships that they failed to find for themselves. Then she blames me for her deep routed issues that I didn't know really existed so strongly. 

But I don't think I need to look at myself that hard, I understand I was too good to her though. But I really do not want her back, I want to talk to her to know what's going on and to organise the financial implications. 

What I'm going to do for myself, be rid of her. Live my life for my sake instead of considering hers at every step. 
It's just difficult to start immediately again when I got to have no closure, I just got sucker punched and have to suck it up when everything around me is falling apart. She did do me a favour by doing it now as opposed to later, before she eventually goes and ruins someone else's life in the future a whole lot more seriously. 

I know it's a cliche but you think you know someone. 

It makes me think about the society we live in. How she and her circle would see this as being empowering for her. Even though she could tell them the actual truth, they'd probably still see her as the victim and me as the bad guy. 
It would all be so much easier if I had cheated on her or something, I want to have at least deserved the negative press I'm getting. I can get over that I lost my best friend and she wasn't the person I thought she was, what I can't get over is being made out to be a villain when I did the complete opposite for her to a reckless extent.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

As @Satya said, she is simply showing you who she is.

Believe her.

(Sad to see the next post was about her)

The sooner you kick this habit, the sooner you'll begin to heal.

Just thank the Almighty tonight that you weren't married.


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

May as well update this. 

It had all been an eye opener for how vulnerable I left myself. 
Maybe I was too focused on the future all the time to see the problems with the present. But this hasn't just been emotionally difficult it's changed my entire life.

Not just my ex is gone.
My home is gone, someone else is renting there now. 
My pet is gone, rehomed and I'll never see him again.

Now I don't have a place. I stay on couches, try to stay out as long as possible so I don't over think things, keep active. I've been chasing women, doing what you should be doing I suppose. 

I bumped into a guy I know and got talking after not seeing him for ages and he told me that my ex is in a relationship alright and it doesn't seem new either. Told me who and where etc. Another realisation that the whole appreciation thing was bull**** as expected and she was just cheating on me, or maybe just about to cheat on me I don't know. 

It doesn't get any easier. I feel probably worse than I did a month again now. I've no home and im gonna quit my job next week because it's a constant reminder of my old life and I'll start a new job as a temp then for the summer at least, then God knows. I'm happy to have her out of my life but it just gets me how easy it is to lose everything, women have this immense power which they can execute without any regard whatsoever about your own wellbeing. She is the most unempathetic person I've ever known and I was naive to let myself in that situation. 

I'm hoping changing my life as much as possible will be the best thing to do and hopefully, who knows this might be helpful to some other poor idiot like myself who gets duped by a woman like I did in the future.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

JustSomeLad said:


> Now I don't have a place. I stay on couches, try to stay out as long as possible so I don't over think things, keep active. I've been chasing women, doing what you should be doing I suppose.


I don't think those are things you should be doing at this point. You need to sit down and prioritize your life. Yes, you should not overthink things about your ex, but you should be thinking about your present and your future. For me, my first priority would be to stop sleeping on couches and getting my own place. Another priority would be to stop chasing women. I doubt you are ready and when you focus on yourself they will start chasing you. Focus on yourself and become a better person - get a job and get your own place. Your plan sounds like you are just delaying making decisions. Instead of working as a temp, pursue what you want.


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## JustSomeLad (Feb 22, 2018)

That is priority one but where I live is in the middle of a housing crisis. It could take quite a while before I get my own place again, believe me rushing into renting the first thing that becomes available would be a bad decision here. I'm hoping within a month or two I'll have a place again. 
As with rent, employment is also not exactly plentiful. I was offered a job that is much more professional than my current one. It'll force me to do something different. And any job I move to will be a temp start at least. Good chance of being kept on, also a good chance I'll go and do something else after it but this job I know is more enjoyable than my current one. Maybe pay isn't better but it definitely will be less depressing for me and might help me feel better again.
I think it will force me to say goodbye to all aspects of before and start again, after that I'll consider going back to school or travel etc and get everything in order and do the things I wasn't able to do while in a relationship with her. 

Being out and being around other women has been the only decent thing I've done in the last month. Not that I'm looking for a relationship, far from it. I don't know how long it'll be before I'll be ready for something serious again, I'm sure it'll take me a long long time before I can trust someone again anyway. I'm not gonna sit on my virtue though, I need to distance myself from her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She did you a HUGE favor. Stop trying to fix wounded ducks. Bail at the first sign of disfunction. Keep your small head out of relationship decisions.
You will look back on this as a major win. She didn’t even have the balls to break up with you.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Yup, thank heavens that farce of a relationship is dead.

Now, you need to work on YOUR relationship with yourself. And Cut out the other drama llama stuff. Focus on yourself and your well being. You need to MAN UP. Get a good job, a good roof over your OWN head, Do not have others involved in it please... And you need to find stuff that pleases you. Sports games, camping, fishing...Whatever. Find YOU. 

You cannot be happy with someone else until you are happy with you. There, that is it. You do these simple things for the next few months, you will be surprised on how fast you come around to the land of the living. And not just surviving...But thriving!


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

Lad,

I know it's hard right now, but things will get better and eventually people will stop wiping their feet on you when they walk through the front door.

In the meantime, focus on improving yourself and finding a better life that you deserve.

Best of luck to you in all of this...


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