# What would you do?



## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Wife and I haven't gotten along real well lately. She raged at me all last weekend so I've been keeping my distance. I still ask her how she is daily, getting my head bit off every time. I might also add she's almost 5 weeks prego, completely unexpected on my part. 

She is, by my own diagnosis BPD, and she is prone to behaving like a 3 year old, so this is nothing new. Her behavior has gotten worse using the pregnancy as an excuse. This is exactly how she behaved prior to me filing for divorce in Feb of this year. 

We ended up in the ER Thursday night due to bleeding and severe cramps. Doctor is treating it as a threatened miscarriage.

So on to the next thing. Every other weekend she has to take her daughter to meet her baby daddy about 45 mins away. I work graveyard and left for work prior to her return. Thing is, she has not returned as of now when I have arrived home from work......no note, blowing off texts, not answering phone calls....even questions about if the cramps have gone away....nada...zero. 

She has done this before, has family on the other side of the state, and not told me. I do not care if she visits family or friends. I have warned her in the past that this is not acceptable. 

This is just her typical passive aggressive behavior.

Anyone got any ideas on how to handle this one? Completely ignore it and act like I didn't even notice she was gone?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Let it play out. Show her that the 3 year old antics will not carry her very much into the relationship.

Given the events so far I suspect she may have gone to seek relatives for "support", possibly following complications or stress from pregnancy for which she blames you naturally. 

Keep a log of behaviors etc for "future reference" and if the pregnancy continues without complications go with her to the doctor and try to (thanks HIPPA) mention mental situation to the doctor or tell her in no uncertain terms this needs to be on the table.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

I do not believe that you should blow it off like it didn't happen.

Ask yourself, "is this ok with you? Are you happy with this?"

If the answer is yes, then let it go.
If it is no, then tell her that what she did is unacceptable and you want an explanation! You DESERVE an explanation!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> Anyone got any ideas on how to handle this one? Completely ignore it and act like I didn't even notice she was gone?


I don't know anything about your history other than what you wrote here. 

So she's going off to see her former husband/lover without even bothering to tell you when she is going or when she'll be back. Instead of ignoring it, I think you should consider the option of not being home when she returns. 

Have you two tried marriage counseling?

Heaven forbid she has a miscarriage. But if she does, and she's not even willing to go into counseling, I highly recommend you consider that as a sign that you are now free to walk away from this dysfunctional relationship.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

I would establish clear boundaries and stick to my guns even if it means walking away or serious therapeutic counseling.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Now you know why she has a previous marriage.

If she is beyond therapy, medication or counseling I suppose a couple of your choices are to stay with her and watch as your step-child and biological child adopt the habits and behaviors of a dysfunctional marriage or part ways and choose wisely the next time. That way you can provide a much better example of marriage to your child albeit every other weekend or however it turns out. 

Either way it sucks for the children.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You have a choice. Either get her the help of tell her to stay where she is. 

If she refuses the help by choosing not to get medication for her problem, then it's her choice but you have a choice and that is if you want to live with someone like this or not.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You filed for D in Feb and then proceeded to knock her up?

Quit the sex and finish the D.

Is there a possibility she has gone dark because she sees you as abusive?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> She is, by my own diagnosis BPD, and she is prone to behaving like a 3 year old, so this is nothing new. Her behavior has gotten worse using the pregnancy as an excuse. This is exactly how she behaved prior to me filing for divorce in Feb of this year.


If I were you, I'd quit diagnosing her.

Based on my impression from your previous posts, do you want my unflattering diagnosis of you?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Theseus said:


> I don't know anything about your history other than what you wrote here.
> 
> *So she's going off to see her former husband/lover without even bothering to tell you when she is going or when she'll be back. Instead of ignoring it, I think you should consider the option of not being home when she returns. *
> 
> ...


He should probably also consider the possibility that his wife's "baby daddy" has another baby on the way.

As in the one that she's carrying right now.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde said:


> You filed for D in Feb and then proceeded to knock her up?
> 
> Quit the sex and finish the D.
> 
> Is there a possibility she has gone dark because she sees you as abusive?


We tried reconciling after she wrote this huge apology email about understanding why its not ok to lie to a spouse, steal $3k from them......etc. I thought I had finally gotten through to her about her wicked ways.

I made it clear to her that we are not in the position to bring a child into the world and I trusted her with taking the pill every day. She swore on her daughter's life that she was taking it, and it failed.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Sunburn said:


> Now you know why she has a previous marriage.
> 
> If she is beyond therapy, medication or counseling I suppose a couple of your choices are to stay with her and watch as your step-child and biological child adopt the habits and behaviors of a dysfunctional marriage or part ways and choose wisely the next time. That way you can provide a much better example of marriage to your child albeit every other weekend or however it turns out.
> 
> Either way it sucks for the children.


We have tried MC for 6 months with limited results. The counselor spent more time trying to correct the spin she was putting on the things I'd say to frame her as a victim. The counselor is excellent but its just not in the cards. 

The counselor had to take a leave of absence for unknown reasons, and with limited results during the 6 months, I don't feel compelled to give any more time to this.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Theseus said:


> I don't know anything about your history other than what you wrote here.
> 
> So she's going off to see her former husband/lover without even bothering to tell you when she is going or when she'll be back. Instead of ignoring it, I think you should consider the option of not being home when she returns.
> 
> ...


I woke up a little bit ago and still no response to my "where the hell are you?" text. So I poked some more and she finally responded with "I'm relaxing."

It just went downhill from there. I left it with I deserve better than this, and I'd rather die alone than be miserable for the rest of my life. I've had enough of this.

If a miscarriage is God's answer to not bringing another child into a jacked up relationship then its up to God. But I sure wouldn't mind never seeing her again.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I have a simple answer to people who act like a toddler; I treat them like a toddler. Adults tend to not like that. But for some reason they respond to it a hell of a lot better then treating them like an adult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

cut your losses.

get a paternity test. before letting her put you on the birth cert.as the father.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> cut your losses.
> 
> get a paternity test. before letting her put you on the birth cert.as the father.


Word.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> cut your losses.
> 
> get a paternity test. before letting her put you on the birth cert.as the father.


chillymorn has the right idea as you say she got worse when she found she was pregnant how is your memory of the approx pregnancy date was she away seeing X about then?


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

There might be some miscommunication on my part. I don't have a reason to believe she cheated, and I'm fairly certain we did the deed when she calculated conception.

She didn't understand that I've reached my breaking point after having my head ripped off 3 days in one week, then all the sudden she disappears in to thin air. I still have zero idea where she disappeared to. 

I explained that I had been keeping my distance from her because all it takes is saying the wrong thing and instant kaboom. 

But I can't disagree with something 3Xnocharm wrote about giving up the fear of the unknown and when the unknown becomes a beacon of hope........in a nutshell.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> There might be some miscommunication on my part. I don't have a reason to believe she cheated, and *I'm fairly certain we did the deed when she calculated conception.*


First off, I wouldn't trust her calculations. And even if the dates line up, how do you know that she didn't come home to you and offer up sex AFTER having sex w/ the baby daddy?

Second, I've read through some of your other threads and the bottom line is that you should be doing everything in your power to distance yourself from this woman. And, given that a few of your threads are in the GTDoS and CDoS forums, it would seem that you're pretty aware of this.


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## OrangeCrush1 (Oct 31, 2013)

1. Never, ever trust birth control pills as a reliable source of birth control. Pills are 100% reliant on a woman's consistent and daily behavior. If at any time she has an off day or "changes her mind", she can go off birth control whenever she likes and you'll never know.

Either she goes on a form of birth control you can personally verify, like depo shots or an IUD, or you stop cumming inside her.

2. You can "tell her behavior is unacceptable" but in all likelihood, based on what you've said about her, she'll just scream her head off again and you'll end up nowhere. I think the time for communication like this has past, especially if you've already gone though six damn months of marriage counseling. I'm sure she's well aware you consider her behavior unacceptable. The problem is she doesn't care.

3. The advice you've been given about a paternity test is accurate. It doesn't matter if you don't suspect her of anything. Get the baby DNA tested the instant it comes out of her and refuse to sign the birth certificate until the test results come back. Often it only takes 3 days. Yes, she will really complain about this. Tough. Stay strong. Be a man.

4. The only chance of solving this is for you to get very tough. Go to your attorney and write up divorce papers. Don't sign them or file them; just get them written up. Then go to her, show her the paperwork, and say (use your words, not mine) _in a very calm, non-angry voice_, "I've had enough. You clearly have no intention of keeping me happy in this marriage, so I'm out of here unless you have anything new to add." 

Then _shut up_ and let her talk. If she apologizes and pleads for you to stay, give her 1-3 things she must change. Just 1-3, no more. Then just sit back an watch and see if she does them. Always keep that divorce paperwork handy, and make she she _knows _you're keeping it handy. It's the only weapon you have.

If instead she gets upset and starts yelling at you, just shrug, leave the room, _do not argue_, and start divorce proceedings. You can always suspend these proceedings if she suddenly gets nice again (which may happen).


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A relationship built on blackmail is not going to go very far. Doing things does not mean that a permanent attitude adjustment has taken place.


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## OrangeCrush1 (Oct 31, 2013)

john117 said:


> A relationship built on blackmail is not going to go very far. Doing things does not mean that a permanent attitude adjustment has taken place.


Neither will a relationship built on her screaming at him on a regular basis and her vanishing for hours at a time in the evenings with no contact.

He's tried being a nice guy. It didn't work.

He's tried marriage counseling. It didn't work.

Sadly, he has only one option left, which is what I described above. That, or he can just keep on being her doormat until one of them finally cracks and they get divorced under even worse conditions.


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