# I need advice on how to help my wife/marriage



## redbeamer (Mar 15, 2012)

For the duration of our five year marriage and even before the marriage, I have not been a good husband. I have done things and said things that I knew would hurt her. I have not put much effort into our relationship. During that time she kept trying and just put up with it. The end result is that I have basically ruined her self esteem and made her depressed.

All of this came to a head about a month ago when after a big fight, my wife told me she though we should separate. At first I told her that I would let her go. However, after a few days of reflection, a light bulb went off in my head and I realized that I truly love my wife. I think the reason I've behaved the way I have is because I didn't love myself. I didn't even realize my depression and self doubt had had such an effect on her. It was then and there that I made up my mind to change.

I explained my desire to change to my wife and she accepted it as she always does. However, after a few days she withdrew from me and told me she didn't feel like we could make it work anymore. I later found out that a she had become interested in a co-worker. Essentially, my wife has been having an emotional affair with this man for a about a month.

When I found out, I decided to show her that I had changed by not going off and doing anything irrational. Instead, I told her that I loved her and that I would forgive her but that she would have to end the relationship. She told me she didn't know if she could and that she "couldn't stay away" from this man.

It was then that I asked her to quit her job and go to counseling so that we could at least give it one more try. She didn't give me a solid answer and she left last weekend on a trip with a female friend. When she returned last Sunday, I sat with her and asked her again if she would give us a chance and quit her job. She told me she would and we cried together.

The next morning she told me she could not call in and quit. I asked her if she wanted me to do it for her and she said she did. I called her boss and told him she would not be returning. I sat by and watched as she told the other man via text that she was going to work on her marriage and didn't want to speak to him. That didn't last long and I know she has texted him a couple times since that morning.

The next day she told me that she had a change of heart and wanted to ask for her job back. Seeing how much pain she was in I told her to go ahead. She tried to get her job back and was told no. Now she harbors resentment toward me for losing her job although it was a mutual decision.

She is so depressed about not only the loss of job but the loss of the affair. I want to help her so desperately but I don't know what to do. I have a counseling session set up for us tomorrow but I have a feeling she will back out. I don't want to give up on her but I just don't know how to help her.

Please someone give me suggestions. We were planning on visiting her parents this weekend and going out on a dinner date but I don't know if that is a good idea right now. I have told her I would support her in every way while she finds a new job but she just doesn't respond.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Her having an affair was not the right way to deal with your abuse.

You are very vague about what you did to her except that apparently it was so bad that even you seem to feel that it justifies her affair.

You are also vague about what is going on between her and the other man. Sexting? I love yous? Soul mates?

She says she couldn't stay away from the other man. Doesn't that imply physical contact? How do you know it's not a physical affair?

She texted him after she promised no contact.

What would the alternative be to visiting her parents and going on a date?

You have a lot to work on and you have to start somewhere. I am by no means an expert so take this with a grain of salt, but in my opinion you should start trying to develop a good marriage. Find out what she wants out of the marriage and try to give it to her and let her know what you want out of the marriage. If she is grieving her loss of the other man, then it probably is better to get out and visit her parents and do fun things than to sit at home and dwell on what's missing or bad.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude I *was* the worst husband ever, and my W was an adultor, and just b/c my abuse was unjustified, inturn her cheating was unjustified. We both made individual choice to fix our selves and have a healthier marriage.

So years went by and I finally confronted my W. Not telling her I wanted a change for her, but a change for me, and "BTW, your cheating...

You must understand you can only control what you do and how you behave, and what you will tolorate. Everyone else, including your wife can either come along for the ride, with a new and better you of stay behind in her unhealthy behaviors. 

See, it was me that made the changes for my self not for my cheating wife. It was her choice to take the chance and come along for the ride.

There is a certain ego/ confidence you need to have *now* that will make poeple say "this guy has changed" irregardless of what they mean to you, it will always be about making your self better...either for your next relationship or rebuilding the broken one. But the thing is repairing the broken one can not be one sided.

So often it becomes one sided when the loyal spouse does all the work to repair the marriage. When the bottom line is the loyal spouse has to repair him/her self before he can repair anything else/ relationship.

Dude your chick will string you along for a very long time if you really believe her choice to cheat is all your fault.

Show some confidence and get her thinking twice about losing you.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I know I did nothing to cause or give reason to my H to cheat on me and nothing that he experienced from his actions is my fault. I would be damned if I ever let him pull that on me. I am not the perfect spouse and who really is? But never once would I accept the blame for his actions not even in around about way. And he was a jerk a nasty mean jerk in the past but I never cheated on him so really what they heck do you think you did that made her break her vows to you? 

She told you to call in and quit for her so it is on her shoulders. Free will, she could have said no at any moment. While it is great that you care about her feelings in all this you need to take care of your own. I was hurt so deep it still hurts so stop ignoring your self you have to deal with your own feelings.
She should be depressed over cheating on you not the loss of her affair partner. I think it is all backwards and almost unbelieveable that you feel more for her then you do your self. Nope you need to deal with whatever you have ignored in side your self because it will come out one day and kill what ever you have going for you then.
Go on your date don't stop living and one way to help someone who is depressed is to get them up and out of the house and living. Half the battle against depression is just getting up, dressed, and moving.


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## redbeamer (Mar 15, 2012)

When I say I was emotionally abusive. I mean I did not support her when she had hard times in her life. For instance, she passed out at work and had to go to the ER. I blamed her for it because she had a procedure which I thought she didn't need the day before for stomach pain. I was not helpful with our daughter when she was born. I would sleep while my wife would change diapers, feed the baby, etc... I just wasn't ready for the change the baby made in our lives.

I know she did the wrong thing by having this affair and she has admitted it. However, if I had been doing the things I should have been doing then she would have at least been less likely to do something like this.

I have been seriously thinking that the best thing for us would be to leave for a while. Just break all contact with me for a period and see if we can get over the things that are hurting us right now before we can make any efforts. The problems is that I know she will be in contact with this other guy and he will do what he has been doing and cloud her mind.

The other part of me feels like we need to at least hang in there and try the counseling. I have never been to any type of counseling but I am praying that something profound will come of it. Just anything to get through to her to make her feel like she wants to put some effort into her marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

DO NOT LEAVE YOU HOME!!!!!!

Do this will m ake you look like the bad guy and it will continue to justify her adultorous behavior.

Sure you keep blaming the crap you did in the past, just like me I can say if I didn't push my wife around she wouldn't have slept around. Bottom line here is sh!t happend and yes you are right if we didn't do half the crap we did we would have had healthier marriages.

I'm telling brother stick around and make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable to continue buy exposing it. The first rule here is gwtting the other guy out of the picture. Let me put it this way, you can't control your WW but you can still have an influence on her by sticking around the home and doing the things that will make you a better man. 

Your wife needs to see a confident man that is not afraid to let his wife go. This confidence will make your wife think twice about what she about to lose if she continues. 

So stick around and don't make this affair any more convienent, and work on your self and stop begging for you marriage.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

Just stay with your other part. And be a man wanting to take back his wife.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

start here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html



http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Do not beg,whine, cry in front of her. Can't tell by the posts but he is manning up and you are not. Thats why she is attracted to him. Manning up does NOT mean being a jerk or an a$$hole. Be strong , confident and upbeat. Begging and pleading will push her straight out the door.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

redbeamer said:


> When I say I was emotionally abusive. I mean I did not support her when she had hard times in her life. For instance, she passed out at work and had to go to the ER. I blamed her for it because she had a procedure which I thought she didn't need the day before for stomach pain. I was not helpful with our daughter when she was born. I would sleep while my wife would change diapers, feed the baby, etc... I just wasn't ready for the change the baby made in our lives.
> 
> I know she did the wrong thing by having this affair and she has admitted it. However, if I had been doing the things I should have been doing then she would have at least been less likely to do something like this.
> 
> ...


Separation almost always leads to divorce. Also, she willbein the OM's bed immediately.

Get the books "His Needs Her Needs", and "Married Man Sex Life"


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Separation almost always leads to divorce. Also, she willbein the OM's bed immediately.
> 
> Get the books "His Needs Her Needs", and "Married Man Sex Life"


I agree with chap. If it goes physical it will be that much harder to avoid divorce if at all.


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Perhaps this is better for a different thread, or for councelling, but I'm curious about this case too as it mirrors my situation as well. The past year and a half I was a shiiiittttyyyy husband, very bad. Lets just leave it at that. Well lets not. I hardly ever did work around the house, I mostly went out with friends, I didnt work as much as her to pay the bills, and I spent way more of the money. I was unnattentive to her needs and neglected her. It feels so ****ty writing this.

Her response was that she met a guy at work who did all those things I wasnt doing. He was very attentive, listened, wanted to spend much time with her etc etc.

9 months later, EA with some P and we're picking up the pieces. We both want R and are trying but now its difficult to navigation the R process. She feels like **** and is doing everything to prove transparency, yes. However, while she says her A was completely wrong, unjustified etc etc, she does maintain that had I not neglected her then she would never ever gone down that slippery slope with the OM. It started as friends and only got deeper, eventually physical over time, time that coincided with my now meeting her basic emotional needs. I was dumb and selfish. She tried often and said was very hurt etc in the half year or so before she met the OM. 

Anyways, I dont know what the proper way to R this is. Some say when cheated on do 180, let WS doing heavy lifting etc. But at the same time, she says she cant do some of the heavy lifting because she says she fears, as I did previously, that I'd neglect her once she fully comes after me. So were both hurt and stubborn. Where to go from here"?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I needed to improve on my half of the marriage as well

but when you say to your wife that she needs to do the heavy lifting you are talking about the affair not the things you need to work on to improve yourself

I view it as triage-

you break your leg and during the resulting shock you have a heart attack

when you get to the hospital, the doctors treat the heart attack first, once you are stabilized and your heart is beating normally again they set your leg and put it in a cast

in infidelity- the broken leg are the normal problems of a marriage, the heart attack is the affair. It needs to be addressed and treated first and stabilized to a degree before you can start working on the other problems. Those problems should not be ignored and it's important to recognize it and address it as something that will be worked on. But when we say that the WS needs to do the heavy lifting we are talking about atoning for the affair, being transparent, remorseful, etc. It doesn't give you the right to be a crappy husband. (although your wife does need to understand that you will lash out at times)


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You have to stop being wishy--washy---for starters----

Her job situation is a perfect example----you got her to quit---but she couldn't so you did it for her----then she wanted it back so you agreed, but now she can't have it back---so now everything is much worse

Your wife should not have confided in the other man---but you yourself, are causing the problems, that are driving her to distraction

Do not leave the mge., at this point---What you need to do---is everything and anything you can to help her---and spend as much time with her as you can----also now you need to spend time trying to HELP her find a job, and do it quickly, or the problems in the mge., for her, will magnify, and very quickly 

Spend as much time as you can cultivating the things she likes/wants to do----maybe you should look at it, as if you were in your courting period, and you are courting her all over again----just shower her with attention

No matter what, you do need to make sure she goes/stays NC---but the best counter--measure to what she needs from the other man---is for you to give her so much attention, she will not need/want/have time to think about the other guy.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

brokenbloke said:


> Perhaps this is better for a different thread, or for councelling, but I'm curious about this case too as it mirrors my situation as well. The past year and a half I was a shiiiittttyyyy husband, very bad. Lets just leave it at that. Well lets not. I hardly ever did work around the house, I mostly went out with friends, I didnt work as much as her to pay the bills, and I spent way more of the money. I was unnattentive to her needs and neglected her. It feels so ****ty writing this.
> 
> Her response was that she met a guy at work who did all those things I wasnt doing. He was very attentive, listened, wanted to spend much time with her etc etc.
> 
> ...


I hear exactly what you are saying. Here is how I would present it to her. Tell her you know you weren't the best husband, lover, friend and companion. You know you made mistakes and are willing to work on them. But tell her the response to your neglect did not have to be an affair. Tell her she could have demanded marriage counseling. Tell her she could have separated. Tell her she could have filed for divorce. There were other ways to address the problem without her having an affair. Two wrongs do not make a right. Tell her that while you neglected her and were wrong it does not excuse her behavior. You had/have your issues but she had no boundaries. You both have things to work on but she needs to accept that the affair was not the way to handle your neglectful behavior. Until she accepts this its going to be hard to move forward.

As for how to do R. Of course you can both go to MC but if you do make sure you get a counselor that has good experience with cases of infidelity. There are some useless counselors out there so be careful who you choose. There are many books out there that can help you both. One book that my wife and I both used was _His Needs Her Needs_. It really spells things out in a logical straightforward manner. You should read it together and I would also suggest you get the workbook and do some of the exercises in it as well. They will each help you to understand the other. Another book Dr. Harley has is called _Love Busters_. I suggest you read that as well because we all demonstrate terrible selfish behavior at times. It tells you how to avoid building walls between each other. Its awfully hard to communicate through a wall. A third book is called _Surviving Infidelity_. You can check that out as well although I personally didn't get as much out if that one. There are other good books out there. By working together to solve the issues in your marriage you will become closer and it will demonstrate to her that you are serious about fixing the problems that existed before her affair.

One of the things my wife and I did right after things got rolling in R was to institute a date night. We still do that. I take her out to a nice restaurant. Obviously one within our budget. Maybe to a movie as well. Or if you and your wife like a particular activity you should do that. Its important to get away from the house for a while to be together without the distractions and familiar surroundings. You want to try to spend 15-20 hours together each week focusing on each other. That doesn't mean sitting down and watching Survivor together without talking. It needs to be quality time that you are both using to actively interact with each other. If you can't find something to talk about, talk about the weather. It doesn't really matter.

One other thing to be careful of is focusing too much on the affair itself. Yes you need to discuss it but try not to get obsessive about it. If you find yourself discussing it too much she will get defensive and that won't help the communication. If you see she is getting frustrated about the constant discussions try allotting a small amount of time each week to talking about it. Keep a journal of your feelings that you can share with her. It will give her a better understanding of what you are going through. Also, a journal is useful for jotting down questions that you may need addressed but didn't have time to ask. That way you will not feel as if you are losing an opportunity to get answers or address feelings.

These are just some of the things we did and may be helpful to you during R.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I needed to improve on my half of the marriage as well
> 
> but when you say to your wife that she needs to do the heavy lifting you are talking about the affair not the things you need to work on to improve yourself
> 
> ...


AR, I love your triage analogy. That's good!


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

It sounds like you broke her emotionally. Like a gory physical injury, it is going to take time to heal. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Continue to work on yourself and be the best man you can.

Most people cannot admit they are bad spouses or even own up to the despair they caused. You did that. That is a HUGE move.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

First, stop the affair. I think she is more emotionally drawn to the OM. Address this first. Did you find out if A was PA?

Second, work on yourself.

Unless you are serious about her A, the marriage is not going to be back on its track.


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## redbeamer (Mar 15, 2012)

Well, this weekend was so so. We went to see a counselor for the first time Friday afternoon. I don't know if any major strides were made but afterwards she seemed to be in better spirits. We then made the two and a half hour drive to visit family and the conversation was good and we even discussed some future plans. The next morning, we woke up and she even snuggled close to me in bed. I thought yes, I'm getting through to her.

Then she picked up the computer and had received an email from the OM and for the rest of the day we were back to square one. She even made the comment that she wasn't sure the counseling helped her all that much. I ended up taking her out to one of her favorite restaurants and that went well. We had good conversation and had a few drinks. I then took her to the place where we shared our first kiss and where I proposed. That went okay and i even went as far as to kiss her. She kissed me back but I could tell she wasn't in to it. I did a lot of holding her hand and putting my arms around her and she did not tell me to stop. Before we left I asked her to give our marriage a chance and to end communication with the OM. She cried a little and said okay.

Sunday, we went to a family even and she was pretty distant most of the day. Sunday evening we we spent time with a couple of her friends and went to dinner and had drinks. I could tell that she was trying to distance herself from me physically (i.e. sitting on the other side of the table, sitting in a single chair, etc.). Still, I held her hand when I could and caressed her back.

Sunday night in bed she told me she was uncomfortable with the physical stuff. I asked her if she wanted me to not touch her and she said kinda. She said that she feels like I want everything to be okay right away and obviously, I do. I know it will take some time but it hurts knowing your wife of 5 years doesn't want your touch. I don't know if I should just completely quit touching her, touch her less often, or keep being persistent.

Honestly, I'm not sure how committed she is to breaking contact with the OM. I hope she is serious about that but I don't know for sure. We have another counseling session on Wednesday so hopefully we get the same effect out of that. I could use another good day...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

redbeamer said:


> Sunday night in bed she told me she was uncomfortable with the physical stuff. I asked her if she wanted me to not touch her and she said kinda.


 This is not good. As strange as this sounds, she is being loyal to the other man and does not want to cheat on him with you. This increases the odds that the EA is also a PA that she has not told you of yet.

In reading all of your post, you sound like a decent husband that is being conned into thinking that it is your fault that she is unhappy because you are not perfect. No one is perfect, yet that is the standard that a cheater will judge you by. It is a battle that you cannot win because she does not want you to win, and you are allowing her to be the judge. When people cheat they need to rationalize this by making their spouse into the villain. They do this by rewriting history such that every little thing that you do wrong is made into a big issue. This allows them to blame shift their affair onto you. Your wife is acting right out of the cheaters script and you will lose this battle if you let her get away with this.

For there to be any chance at reconciliation, she needs to agree to full no contact with the OM and she needs to show you full remorse. She is giving you neither yet you need both for it to work. Right now she is cake eating with nothing to lose. You need to change that dynamic.


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## redbeamer (Mar 15, 2012)

Well, I know that the EA resulted in kissing and a little more which I believe to be touching. I do not believe that she slept with the OM. She has promised me over and over that she will not have any contact with the OM while we work on our marriage. The problem is I just don't know how strong she is and if she can deny his advances.

She says she is depressed and feels trapped. I'm trying everything I can to keep her active. I signed us up at the gym, I signed our daughter up for swim lessons. I've been trying everything I can to get her out of the house.

I think my only course of action right now is to keep my line in the sand as far as her contacting the OM and support her as much as I can. Hopefully we can figure out this depression thing and she will see that I can and will be the husband she wants/needs.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

redbeamer said:


> Well, I know that the EA resulted in kissing and a little more which I believe to be touching. I do not believe that she slept with the OM. She has promised me over and over that she will not have any contact with the OM while we work on our marriage. The problem is I just don't know how strong she is and if she can deny his advances.
> 
> She says she is depressed and feels trapped. I'm trying everything I can to keep her active. I signed us up at the gym, I signed our daughter up for swim lessons. I've been trying everything I can to get her out of the house.
> 
> I think my only course of action right now is to keep my line in the sand as far as her contacting the OM and support her as much as I can. Hopefully we can figure out this depression thing and she will see that I can and will be the husband she wants/needs.


Just so you know, people never confess the full extent of the affairs. It is so common that there is even a term for it - Trickle Truth. Just don't be surprised if she did have sex with him. Adults don't usually stop at kissing. Try reading her mails or texts. 

The way she is reacting, you need to make some definitive measure here, else you will be walked over.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

redbeamer said:


> Well, I know that the EA resulted in kissing and a little more which I believe to be touching. I do not believe that she slept with the OM.


 She will not let you touch her and has told you that she has feelings for the OM that she does not have for you. Sorry to say but odds are that she did sleep with the OM. Once she crossed the line with kissing and touching, the OM would not want to stop and she would be too weak to say no to him.



redbeamer said:


> I think my only course of action right now is to keep my line in the sand as far as her contacting the OM and support her as much as I can. Hopefully we can figure out this depression thing and she will see that I can and will be the husband she wants/needs.


 You are still letting her blame shift. It is all about her needs and winning her back as if you did something wrong and not her. As long as this dynamic exists, she will not be able to respect you and without respect there can be no love. You are giving the OM home field advantage as he sits back and watches her loss respect for you as you try to earn her love back at all costs. 

Example: after she agreed to quit her job to be able to cut off all contact with the OM, she changed her mind and you agreed to let her try to get her job back. When she could not get her job back, she blamed shifted you as if you did something wrong. As stated in my last post, this is a game that you cannot win because she does not want you to win. She cheated and needed to quit that job because of it. It was her fault for cheating not yours. You agreeing to let her try to get her job back was you really agreeing to allow her to resume contact with the OM. This showed weakness that not only lets her lose more respect for you, but also lets her know that there will be no enforced consequences for her cheating. No consequences means that she will contact the OM behind your back.


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