# I know you will be mad.



## Canada75

Alright....divorce is done, financials sorted, child custody sorted etc etc....BUT....I have had absolutely no closure what so ever. 

The wife being in the "fog" or whatever you want to call it has totally re-written the last 7 years of our 17 year marriage. She sent me an email awhile back responding to something I'd said to her just crushing me saying things that were just outrageous. 

I have done all the research and so on and understand that this is what they do to stem the guilt and rationalize and justify what they have done, but I was the one trying to nice her back from the get go. I know, I know....silly me. Then my dignity and pride took over when I found out for sure there was someone else and I have basically went NC unless it had to do with divorce or our son. 

So I have never really stuck up for myself, I let her think whatever her mind had made up and just ignored the craziness. But after that last email she sent just lambasting me as a husband and a father I feel the need to responed to her (it's already written btw) and explain the best I can in the nicest way (again...I'm seeing someone about this) how it all truly went down. I look at it more of a closure letter, weather she reads it, deletes it or whatever I think it will feel good to get it out there. I'm not trying to change her mind, she is way too far gone. I don't expect a response, but the fact I send it will make me feel better some how I feel. Writing it out and burning it wouldn't feel the same. Writing and deleting it wouldn't feel the same. A more for the record, closure, letting go kind of thing. 
Oh dear god please take it easy on me!!


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## Satya

It's your choice, but I would urge you to not send it. 

Nothing you say or do will change her mind. She has to change her mind and if she's that deep in the fog, it likely won't happen any time soon...or ever. 

Nothing you write will impact her. 

More than likely she won't read it, or will read you trying to defend yourself and won't bother carrying on reading. Then she'll tear it up, burn it, bury it, ignore it or worse, chew your head off. 

Take it from me. She won't give 2 flits about your need to defend yourself. Just move on.


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## *Deidre*

Your marriage was something you experienced, but it's not who you are. You have to find who you are now, because you lost your identity in that relationship it sounds like. I would try to go no contact, because the sooner you do, the sooner you'll find yourself again. 

Let your closure be in the form of starting a better new life without all the drama you left behind. Your future and happiness has nothing to do with her. I wouldn't send it, if you send it, that's not letting go, and closure is just something we tell ourselves we're doing, when we don't want to let go.


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## Absurdist

Why would we be mad at you?

Closure is a myth. Closure occurs when you move forward with your life.

Trust me when I tell you that "crickets" to such an email sends a far deeper message.


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## Cynthia

Sending her a letter explaining yourself is not going to help you. Sending her a letter telling her that she's delusional and to leave you alone and not to contact you for anything unless it is related to child rearing is a better option. Do not give her the satisfaction of answering her accusations, it only gives those accusations credibility and shows her that her statements hit a mark and hurt you. If you send it to her she will receive huge satisfaction.

She probably doesn't believe a word she wrote, but she wants you to believe it or at least struggle with what she said. Don't give her what she's looking for.


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## itsontherocks

I've given up on closure a long time ago, and you should as well. To them, we're the demon seed and they are the innocent butterfly that just wanted to live in perfect harmony with their spouse and did absolutely nothing wrong. This, of course, is false. It takes two to make a marriage work, only one for it to fail.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Blocking her from contacting you and finding an intermediary to deal with the child drop offs and pick ups so you never have to hear from her would be much better closure.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Get it out of your system and burn it before you get a chance to start collecting them or worse... their responses.

I lit years of journals on fire this summer... you will find the peace in it even if just one letter, just try it to see if your breath doesn't come back to you.


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## Dannip

Fastest way to get over her is to get over a hotter younger babe who won't do these things. 

Hope she sees you two sometime. Smiling, laughing walking hand in hand...

That's your future she cannot control or rewrite.

She's already stuck in the past. Leave her there. Get going with the babes. Date. A lot!


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## Canada75

Well....I was afraid you would all gang up on me!! Thanks for being gentle
I just needed some common sense advice. It was all very useful...thanks for changing my mind.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

🙄 Worry less about younger and hotter and more about someone compatible with you to have a good life with. 

The best revenge is to be happy.


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## Satya

This is JMO, but hotter & younger is no guarantee of quality, if that's what you seek. Take it from a woman who was average her whole life up until early 30s and watched all the young & hot women burn up like shooting stars. Being fawned over throughout life is not usually conducive to building good character or resilience, IMO. The opposite is true IME, unless she had a really humble upbringing with parents that didn't treat her like a princess. 

A quality woman is what you need at the end of the day. If she happens to be younger and hotter as well, that's a bonus.


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## Dannip

Satya said:


> This is JMO, but hotter & younger is no guarantee of quality, if that's what you seek. Take it from a woman who was average her whole life up until early 30s and watched all the young & hot women burn up like shooting stars. Being fawned over throughout life is not usually conducive to building good character or resilience, IMO. The opposite is true IME, unless she had a really humble upbringing with parents that didn't treat her like a princess.
> 
> A quality woman is what you need at the end of the day. If she happens to be younger and hotter as well, that's a bonus.


Who cares!! Younger and hotter is a message that she is not. Play chess, young man, play chess. 

I'll bet you can find younger and hotter and decent too.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

It's not about one upping her. He is supposed to be moving on and focusing on his own life. Who cares wtf she thinks. His life is HIS now. She doesn't exist. 

Playing stupid games is just prolonging the crap and sinking him down to a level he should be above.


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## SunCMars

Yes, to silence.

Yes, to totally ghosting her.

Yes, to opening a new Facebook account. And find the prettiest women you can find to pose in some pictures with you. Even if you have to pay a college girl to pose with you once a week at some fancy restaurant.

Use the same girl every time. After a while change out the pictures, say, once a month.

This vengeful thinking comes from my natal Moon being in Scorpio.


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## Malaise

Satya said:


> This is JMO, but hotter & younger is no guarantee of quality, if that's what you seek. Take it from a woman who was average her whole life up until early 30s and watched all the young & hot women burn up like shooting stars. Being fawned over throughout life is not usually conducive to building good character or resilience, IMO. The opposite is true IME, unless she had a really humble upbringing with parents that didn't treat her like a princess.
> 
> A quality woman is what you need at the end of the day. If she happens to be younger and hotter as well, that's a bonus.


Good looks are gravy.

Character, honesty, smarts, sense of humor...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

SunCMars said:


> Yes, to silence.
> 
> Yes, to totally ghosting her.
> 
> Yes, to opening a new Facebook account. And find the prettiest women you can find to pose in some pictures with you. Even if you have to pay a college girl to pose with you once a week at some fancy restaurant.
> 
> Use the same girl every time. After a while change out the pictures, say, once a month.
> 
> This vengeful thinking comes from my natal Moon being in Scorpio.


Then she will have won, not him. Playing games just proves he's not moving on and getting over her. And we don't care about you getting younger and hotter. If we are done, like she is, you can be screwing everything you see. We don't care. It's just being petty and small and pathetic to try to make her care. He needs to move on. 

And I'm a Scorpio too.


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## Ynot

I wrote such a letter myself and never sent it at the urging of many older more sagely members of this forum. The fact is that it is over. Nothing you say, nothing you do is ever going to change that. Stop focusing on her at all. She is not worth it. Do not act in ways to "get back at her" instead act in ways to get back to your self. Rediscover your self and become the best version of you that you can be. Responding to her, thinking about her, acting out of revenge all just give her power over you. Believe me friend, some day you will be so glad you are free of her.


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## SunCMars

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Then she will have won, not him. Playing games just proves he's not moving on and getting over her. And we don't care about you getting younger and hotter. If we are done, like she is, you can be screwing everything you see. We don't care. It's just being petty and small and pathetic to try to make her care. He needs to move on.
> 
> And I'm a Scorpio too.


Otay!


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## Bananapeel

Don't let her crazy affect your life. Just ignore her nonsense and figure it's simply her coping mechanism to deal with her guilt. When my ex does crazy stuff I just ignore it and keep all discussions about kid stuff. It's almost like I've been training her that if she wants a response from me she has to be civil and it has to be pertinent to the kids. Everything else I don't waste my time with.


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## Cynthia

Bananapeel said:


> It's almost like I've been training her that if she wants a response from me she has to be civil and it has to be pertinent to the kids. Everything else I don't waste my time with.


It's not almost like you are training her. That is exactly what you are doing. You are not allowing her to push your buttons and continue on with the drama that you are free of. People who continue to engage are asking for it - literally, because it feeds the monster and encourages continuation of the same negative behaviors. Drama cannot be stopped when you continue to engage in it and feed it. It is much better to stop feeding the monster and have a happy life as drama free as possible instead. For those who need a thrill, buy a motorcycle or go skydiving.


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## Lostinthought61

Canada, we are on your side, we read your words, the confusion she left you in, and i get, probably most of us get, we want closure, its like reading a great book and missing the last chapter...but i will tell you that last chapter is written by a deceitful, dishonest, cheating person. someone who wants to paint a pretty picture where you end up being the bad guy in order to shield their guilt. words will wash her guilt, for she in essence is Lady Macbeth and no matter how hard she tries to rub out the spot it will never be clean. In months and years to come as your son grows he will know the truth and she will forever live with the guilt.


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## tailrider3

Don't write it or send it. She will just share it with her friends and/or family and laugh at you.


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## Spicy

Imagine the verbal vomit your letter will get as a response. If you think the _unsolicted_ email from her was bad, wait until you see this.

She isn't worth one more precious word from you my friend.


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