# I don't understand....



## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

I am so confused. I have been initiating sex all the time. We do it at least once a day. We used to do it twice a week but recently I lost some weight and feel more energized. When we first met we did it everyday till after our first was born. So he kept saying "Ahh thats the woman I feel in love with. It's so good to have my wife back." Making me feel even more sexy. 

Ok before I continue back story made short. We have been together for 9 years of those nine he has cheated on me five times, (going on the internet looking for hook ups and what not). He says he never slept with anyone. So we went to marriage counseling. They said I didn't communicate and that was why he cheated. OK I changed that. He said we didn't have sex enough and I didn't initiate it enough. I wanted my marriage to work so I changed that.

Problem now.....So yesterday he was distant, cold even. Short with his responses to me, and didn't want to play with me or the kids. Blamed me for not touching him, although I did try and he backed away. All day he tried to find excuses to go some where without me or the me and the kids. (Same thing he did when he was cheating). He works all week from 8am-5pm. so the weekends are our time. I finally break him into talking to me he tells me its because he thought my Mom, who was visiting, was going to watch the kids for a couple hours. I said that I told him I didn't think it would be possible and he said that was fine she could watch them when she came back up...I agreed. So then after a while of silence he say it was the sex the night before. He said it didn't feel like I wanted it. I reassured him that it was great and I liked it and was hoping for a repeat tonight but looked like we were going to fight instead. So silence again. He than says that I did something with our youngest that I previously yelled at him not to do. When he explained what it was, I didn't remember being mad at him for it. 

Back story...(he's a smoker, he left our son alone in the house to go out and smoke and I came in on him crying at the top of his lungs. I told him he can't just leave a 2 year old alone without them being able to see where he was. He closed all the doors. After a long night of teething crying, yesterday morning I put the 2 year old out of my room told him to go find daddy. I went to the bathroom and heard him start to cry. Husband comes in and carries 2 year old to the bathroom asking me "What the F*** I was doing." I told him I was going to the bathroom. he asked why he was crying. I say I told him to find you I was going to the bathroom then going to go back to sleep like we agreed on yesterday).

So he then says this is the reason why he is so pissed. I told him I thought he was grasping at straws and just wanted to fight, which I didn't understand why when we were doing so good. BTW last cheating was in Nov 2012. I say that he has been acting like he was cheating again. He says he hasn't and then says "I guess I won't be getting any for a while." I said, "Is this really about sex than?" He says yes that it was and we fight about the change in my appetite, the fact that I thought he'd be happier with the change. Then he says "I knew you were just having sex with me because you thought I'd be happy and not because you wanted it!" I explain that I like sex and would never do it if I didn't want it. So then he fights some more with me on sex, I finally say fine we won't do it for like a month. He says "Finally theres the wife I married." WTH!!! I am so confused, and to top it all off this morning he acts like nothings wrong and is all happy and chipper again. I SO DONT GET IT!! WTH!! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!:scratchhead:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He's cheating again.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

While he could be cheating again I know that my wife and I have had similar issues.

When she did things with the kids that I wasn't allowed to do, she'd make me feel that I was worthless as a father. Whenever I pointed out these inequitites to her after she committed the same offense I was dammed for, she often stop talking to me for a couple of days!


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## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

Would it be that simple even after he went through two other reasons and then focused on the sex thing?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Look this guy has cheated on you FIVE TIMES. FIVE.

The most recent one was 3 months ago.

And now he's picking stupid arguments? Really?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

A no-brainer.

You need to implement the reconnaissance regimen. Key logger on the computer, voice activated recorder in the car. Check phone logs, etc.

If he was willing to give you complete transparency in everything that's fine too. All the passwords, text messages emails, etc. If anything is erased you already have your answer.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

He's cheating. He'll keep cheating as long as you tolerate it. 

Sounds like you've made all the efforts and changes...and despite these efforts, he continutes to cheat. You don't mention anything HE'S done... it takes two to change a marriage.

I commend you for fighting for your marriage but you can't do it alone...and he's content with blaming you for everything, leaving him feeling entitled to screw around. Until he owns up to his mess and actually feels remorse...he won't change. Neither will your relationship.


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## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

So he stays in the bedroom all morning. I ask if I can join he says yes...then leaves the room. Later he comes in and asks me whats wrong. I look at him dumb founded. How can he be so daft? is it a game? We fight again. He says I have to change! WHAT!! I changed to be more open, changed to have more sex ( I enjoyed that change.) I ask how he wants me to change he says exactly. exactly what!! He comes into the bedroom after a cigarette and says "I'm Leaving when you want me back call me." WHAT!! He's gone. WHAT!! WHY? HOW? I am so confused!! I need a hug!
:scratchhead::wtf:


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

He's playing head games with you. He makes you think everything is your fault, to justify HIS actions. And he knows what he's doing.

May I ask what makes this guy worth all this torment? I know you have kids together....but is that the only reason? Because he just doesn't sound like much of a winner.


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## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

daffodilly said:


> May I ask what makes this guy worth all this torment? I know you have kids together....but is that the only reason? Because he just doesn't sound like much of a winner.


I started to answer you with this or that, but maybe its the simple fact that my parents were divorced when I was seven and I don't want that. I want my marriage to last, when I said yes at the alter I was saying yes to old lives together. Thats what I saw when I saw him.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

The counselor blamed you????Find a new counselor. This is ridiculous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> The counselor blamed you????Find a new counselor. This is ridiculous.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I definitely agree with that.

But even with the counselor and your best intentions...he definitely has to change. Otherwise you have to realize that if divorce is off the table no matter what, then you will be in a marriage with a cheating spouse. Always. He has no reason to stop...he knows you'll never leave him. If anything, you're bending over backwards to change, and he last cheated...what, 3 months ago???? Does he even break into a sweat when he's caught?

So if with the help of a new counselor, if your husband doesn't see how he needs to make an effort as well....you have to decide what you will tolerate for your life and your children's lives.


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## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

So he shows back up, says he's sorry and gives me flowers and a chocolate bar. I'm on a diet and he knows I've been not eating chocolate but I don't say anything. I ask where he was and he say he was at the casino spent 4 dollars and waited for me to call him. When I didn't he thought I didn't care for him. He asked if he can come in the house, I told him I never told him to go so thats up to him. My friend called wants to go for drinks, asked me to ask the ol' man if I can go...I never go out without him so guess who's getting wasted...chocolate wasted!

Oh and I didn't ask I told him I was going!


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Let me see if I understand this - you decided long ago that you would never divorce like your parents - so you will tolerate cheating, lying, selfishness, cheating, put-downs, blame-shifting, cheating, exposure to diseases, low self-esteem, confusion, cheating, and being treating like a doormat, cheating, and cheating again, and because why?? 

If you stick with him, you're going to be cheated on a lot more. What a horrible situation you are in. In other threads I read here, when a spouse gets busted for cheating and wants to stay married, he/she will bend over backwards to win back the love and respect of the other spouse. 

Not in your case. And why not? He knows you take him back and take his sh*t. He is cheating on you again. He treats you like dirt over and over and over again. You change, you want to have sex with him, you want to join him when he retreats to the bedroom, and then he gets up and leaves. It's like he's spitting in your face over and over again. And you take it because you don't believe in divorce.

I don't know what you don't understand. He's a cheater and will not change. Only you can change, and that means kicking the guy out. Do not tolerate this anymore. Have a little backbone. Want a little more for yourself. This is not a marriage, if that's what you think you have.


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## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

*Her husband*

I love all of the great advice you all are giving my wife... Makes things so much easier. I would like a small rebuttal.... On this comment.

*So he stays in the bedroom all morning. I ask if I can join he says yes...then leaves the room*. Later he comes in and asks me whats wrong. I look at him dumb founded. How can he be so daft? is it a game? We fight again. He says I have to change! WHAT!! I changed to be more open, changed to have more sex ( I enjoyed that change.) I ask how he wants me to change he says exactly. exactly what!! He comes into the bedroom after a cigarette and says "I'm Leaving when you want me back call me." WHAT!! He's gone. WHAT!! WHY? HOW? I am so confused!! I need a hug!

I was not in the bedroom all morning... She slept in till 10 am... She got up I was saying sorry for last night... Yes I was mad at the simple fact that a few days back our son woke up early I took him in to the front room so she can sleep some more... I set up blues clues his fav show set him up with breakfast.... Stepped out for a smoke... I hear him crying... I finish up and come in to her chewing my ass for doing that..... But yesterday I am out for a smoke our son crying so I put my smoke out come inside to see the bedroom door shut son crying by door I pick him up and go in the bedroom to find out what is going on. She is going to the restroom she said she was going back to sleep... We exchange some words there but yes I was pissed for the rest of the day over this... It is ok for her to do that but I try to set him up and step out for a couple min I get my ass handed to me????? That is all I am pissed at...

As for the cheating crap.... 

Ok yes I have posted pics of me.... Yes I have talked to other women.... But I have never met up with another women to do anything bj, sex anything.... I will never go that far yes that was wrong of me to do that I regret that.... I was after pics to get the idea that someone would like me as well as I was not getting that from my wife all the time.... It was like a roller coaster ride.... As for as late OMG it has been awesome.... She has been happy I knew with out a doubt she loved me and it was not the sex... It was all the other little things she did.... Talked dirty to me, She went out of her way to give me kisses... I walk by she grabbed my ass, She would reach for my hand to hold it she actually wanted to lay next to me in bed so many little things it was nice and I loved it... Hell I was not going to bring this up keep it inside and let it blow over but no she had to know and now we are here fighting....


I am so sorry all of you were placed in this fight.... Someone did say yes there are 2 sides to every story.... I just want my wife back happy with me again... This was such a small thing to fight over... Yes I left today as I tried 2-3 time this morn telling her I am sorry for being mad and she was saying I was happy that we had a fight and I was looking for one... NO I was not infact I was not going to tell her but she wanted to know what was bugging me...... I prob should not have left but I had to get away for a few as she was not accepting me to apologize to her.... There are bad on both sides.


Again sorry
As of right now and hopefully will be her husband...


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## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

ahhhhhhhhh. I ask if he wants to join me for dinner and he turns me down 3 times. I guess I know why...so he can invade my privacy and post this rant. I guess now that you see his side and mine. Maybe there can be a better picture for the answer. 

And the cheating he mentions he doesn't say where he was parting with a bunch of guys doing body shots and grabbing women's butts. He doesn't say that he posted pics of his private area and a picture I took of him on our romantic vacation. He doesn't say where he gave a time and place where he was supposed to meet a girl from a "hook up" site only to tell her in an email that he had a family thing and couldn't make it. Which was the day I caught him. He doesn't say where he was doing it from work, and then when he was caught showed it to a buddy at work who said that it was ****ed up that he was doing that. But than this is how he works.

So what would you all do?


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## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

Its OK if you see his side I just need input. I take it from the new silence that everyone sees his side more than mine. Am I wrong? should I ignore this and grovel or stand my ground?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

The smoking would be a dealbreaker for me.


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## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

sharkeey said:


> The smoking would be a dealbreaker for me.


Is that the only thing? What if that wasnt a deal breaker or the other person didnt smoke and this all happened?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

If the other person didn't smoke I'd say that your husband is rather immature and plays head games and stays mad at you for much longer than the situation warrants and he's gotta grow up and you gotta stop chasing him around like a lost puppy when he's having a hissyfit.

And until and unless he acknowledges the huge problems created by his cyber infidelity - even if he never physically met any other woman (and I wouldn't believe him for a minute) the two of you don't have a snowballs chance in HELL of making this thing work in the long run.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Major issues here. I dont think this forum, as great as it is, can fix this one.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Not going to pick sides. 

Husband - quit smoking and talking,flirting etc with other women you are disrespecting your wife, son and marriage. 

Wife- Get outta bed earlier and go exercise and eat that chocolate...sheesh. 

Go do stuff as a family.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

There's been silence because I've been offline.

I agree with ^^^^^^^....there is NO EXCUSE for putting up pics and looking to "see" if other women will be into you....you're not the only guy on the planet who's in a troubled marriage....doesn't matter if other women want you, the only one you should give a f&*k about is your wife. It's still cheating. Either you're in this marriage or you're not. Act like it if you are.

As far as the OP....get out of bed earlier, I agree. Like CDN guy said, do stuff together as a family. Quit leaving your son alone for your own needs (smoking, sleeping) and communicate who's going to watch him when if you really need to sleep or smoke. Talk about it ahead of time and make an arrangement. That way you avoid all these petty arguments that turn into blow ups.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

this relationship is dysfunctional. The husband hacks the wife's account here at TAM to post a response, which seems totally inappropriate and unkosher, then the wife doesn't get a response to her own post in 33 minutes on a sunday night, and says that because of the silence, we must be taking the husband's side. I agree with the above poster - this forum can't fix their problems.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I would have issues with the posting of pictures on dating sites or whatever they are. Once maybe, if he was down and confused then regretted it afterwards. Five times??!? That is someone fishing trying to keep their options open. 

I think marriage counselling is a good option. It seems like their is a lot of miscommunication between the two of you. Words and/or actions are being misconstrued as something they were not intended to be. Perhaps a counsellor can help the two of you to understand one another better so you can start resolving these issues.


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## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

I appreciate the thoughts of everyone who posted. As for the sleeping I was up all night taking care of the "kid" that's why I slept till 10am. I only got 4 hours of sleep that day. I normally am up and ready to face the day by 6am. 

As for the incident I was in the bathroom when the "kid" was crying. I told him to go see daddy, as agreed upon by me and my H and when he got to the living-room I detoured and went potty. I did not know that my H was not there. I have never left my kids alone for one second on any other occasion. Usually he follows me into the bathroom this time he didn't because I shut the door. I was supposed to go back to bed since I had the "night shift" if you will and the H didn't have to work that day. When he is on call, one week outta the month, I don't send the baby into the living-room if we have had a bad night.

I agree we have issues and in no way, shape, or form should that allow for cheating. I posted here for several reasons, I needed to bounce ideas off people. What he was doing puzzled me...I thought we were doing so good. I do respect myself and know that he has not shown it to me nor has my staying shown it to others but as with all relationships there are good that comes with the bad and I am not sure if I am willing to give the good up. 

The thinking that there was no reposes was, yes I can see, weird...but I felt betrayed by his prying. My friends were all at church and I needed to know what to do...or just ideas of what others would do. When I was pregnant with my son it was a hard pregnancy and very emotional the pregnancy forum I went on was very helpful and I made some dear friends that I still talk with today. I was hoping to find the same thing here. I guess still hoping.

I don't post on things because I feel that my answers are coming from a f***ed up place right now and I am in no situation to give advice. Again thank you for your input.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> If the other person didn't smoke I'd say that your husband is rather immature and plays head games and stays mad at you for much longer than the situation warrants and he's gotta grow up and you gotta stop chasing him around like a lost puppy when he's having a hissyfit.
> 
> And until and unless he acknowledges the huge problems created by his cyber infidelity - even if he never physically met any other woman (and I wouldn't believe him for a minute) the two of you don't have a snowballs chance in HELL of making this thing work in the long run.


:iagree:
Someone who addresses their cyber cheating as 'as for this cheating crap' clearly doesn't recognise or aknowledge the pain and damage they have caused.


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## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

abitlost said:


> :iagree:
> Someone who addresses their cyber cheating as 'as for this cheating crap' clearly doesn't recognise or aknowledge the pain and damage they have caused.


:iagree: I noticed that and it will be something I address with him if we continue this relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

myfirsthissecond said:


> Would it be that simple even after he went through two other reasons and then focused on the sex thing?


The higher occurrence of sex with you is ruining his cheating sex life. After having that much sex with you he does not have enough energy for the OW(other woman). 


> All day he tried to find excuses to go somewhere without me or the me and the kids.


He could have been also picking a fight we you to get out to see the OW or whoever he is having sex with. It’s not unusual for a cheater to pick a fight to justify leaving the house.

How did you find out before that he was cheating? How do you now he was only looking online and did not have sex with anyone?


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## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How did you find out before that he was cheating? How do you now he was only looking online and did not have sex with anyone?



I found an old drive, you know one you insert into your computer, I think its called a flash drive, where he was storing information on. I also went to his work...his idea...to use his work computer over the weekend to fill out some paperwork I needed for Monday...at that time we did not have a PC (it crashed and burned hard the day before). I only have his word that he was only looking online and nothing else.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

myfirsthissecond said:


> .* I only have his word that he was only looking online and nothing else*.


Up to you if you want to accept his "word".

I wouldn't.


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