# Men, what are some reasons for not initiating sex?.



## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

What are some of your reasons for not initiating sex with your wife?

Women, what are some reasons you don't initiate sex.

I am talking about any given night.


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Fear of rejection after it has happened too many times.

Also, sometimes if she does agree, it's only for my benefit she's doing it & it's clear she's not really into it and it's "just the basics."


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Right now, I have a kidney infection with a bad UTI. Last time I got this, it lasted 3 months before I healed. Hopefully I'll heal quicker this time around. There is no intimacy until I heal up or it will put me in a major setback.:/

The only other reason would be my monthly.

I try to please hubby, but he feels guilty if he's the only one getting pleasure and refuses. He waits patiently for me.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

1) Had a lot of sex recently, feeling pretty satisfied, probably will be better tommorow.
2) Have deep, intellectual, non sexual thoughts on my mind, often work related.
3) Believe rightly or wrongly that she's not in the mood.
4) We had a fight. I don't believe in make up sex, it's like rewarding bad behavior. Plus fighting kills the mood for me.
5) Just too tired after intense physical activity like skiing or hiking.


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## Flyguy (Sep 29, 2012)

monkeyboy said:


> Fear of rejection after it has happened too many times.
> 
> Also, sometimes if she does agree, it's only for my benefit she's doing it & it's clear she's not really into it and it's "just the basics."


I could not have said it better myself. I always feels like it's only for my benefit since she basically lays there with no reaction/response while having sex.


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Flyguy said:


> I could not have said it better myself. I always feels like it's only for my benefit since she basically lays there with no reaction/response while having sex.


Right?! And if you're not really into it but just doing it because you feel it's your "wifely duty," then why not BS the passion for me as well? It stinks of passive aggressiveness.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Can't think of any reason. Even if I couldn't manage an erection because it was too soon I have nimble fingers and a tongue.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Only reason is because she beats me to it to "jump my bones". 

We are not exactly newlyweds; celebrate 18 years this coming Dec.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Flyguy said:


> I could not have said it better myself. I always feels like it's only for my benefit since she basically lays there with no reaction/response while having sex.


And she doesnt say anything during sex either?!


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

mine just basically lays there as well. It is obvious she does not want to do it anymore. If I begged and whined about it, I'm sure I could get her to at least once or twice a month, but it would be just like the others have said: laying there like it is a chore, and if there is any emotion, it is usually her acting like it is taking too long, or she is hurting. Who wants to have sex like that? Masturbating is more pleasurable. We haven't had sex in 4 months now, because I won't beg.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

russ101 said:


> mine just basically lays there as well. It is obvious she does not want to do it anymore. If I begged and whined about it, I'm sure I could get her to at least once or twice a month, but it would be just like the others have said: laying there like it is a chore, and if there is any emotion, it is usually her acting like it is taking too long, or she is hurting. Who wants to have sex like that? Masturbating is more pleasurable. We haven't had sex in 4 months now, because I won't beg.


Why is she like that with you?


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## Flyguy (Sep 29, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> And she doesnt say anything during sex either?!


Only the occasional, "what was that noise? Was that one of the kids at the door"? Or, "no you can't cum inside me" is another popular one in our bed. 

I've learned in my short time on this site that there are women who have a genuine interest in sex and want to please their husbands (and vice-versa) while there are the women who really have no desire and feel that sex is either a nuisance or done only for their husbands sake. I fall into the latter category. 

Jeez.....I feel like I could write a book. Sexless marriage...initiating sex...no oral sex...major mood swings...but I won't high-jack your thread.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Flyguy said:


> Only the occasional, "what was that noise? Was that one of the kids at the door"? Or, "no you can't cum inside me" is another popular one in our bed.
> 
> I've learned in my short time on this site that there are women who have a genuine interest in sex and want to please their husbands (and vice-versa) while there are the women who really have no desire and feel that sex is either a nuisance or done only for their husbands sake. I fall into the latter category.
> 
> Jeez.....I feel like I could write a book. Sexless marriage...initiating sex...no oral sex...major mood swings...but I won't high-jack your thread.


Sorry about your situation... I know you have probably talked to her about it... Maybe you can show her how serious it is by letting her know that MC is necessary. I really hope things change for you.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

For me:

Tired from physical nature of job and working 50+ hours a week.(I know, I know. I didn't say it was a good reason.)

Wife had daughter move in with us but, told me it wouldn't happen.(This was a marriage breaker. I told the ex this before we got married. She lied to me.)

Wife cried about daughter at night and worried even after sex.

Wife got aggressive riding me and really hurt me badly. I was sore for a good six weeks and then there was a little less feeling. She didn't care though, she finished anyway.

Didn't want wife's daughter to hear us and told her and she said, "Who cares?" "I do", I said.

Bought a bed which eliminated positions she and I both liked. Didn't know what to do about it. Asked her. She didn't know either. Isn't that a sad reason?? Jeez, now that I write that and read it, wow, stupid!! Both of us!

Wanted to talk about things we were both willing to do or had done. Tried many times. She didn't want to talk and I didn't feel secure enough unless we shared. I think that is only right in an open and honest relationship.

So many more. That's all I want to say now. What a damn shame. You know, the funny thing is, she thought I didn't want her. I just wanted to share, that's all. Love me, don't use me.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

1) Died in his sleep

2) Had a stroke and can't move

3) His body has been taken over by space aliens (check for 
pods in the celler)

4) He mistook super glue for lube when he tried to whack off
and his unit is glued to his leg

5) He has had a sex change and dosn't want you to think he 
is a lesbian.....

All kidding aside I find it impossible to lie in bed with my wife, and not caress her body in a loving manner. 

She is a very tactile person and loves my touch. I think her backside was sculped by Botticelli. 

How can any man be within reach of such a wonder without expressing his deep appreciation in a physical manner????

I guess lots of women feel reluctant to show the true exent of their sexual nature to a man before marriage, and therefore have no idea about his sex drive. 

Almost any males can work up a sufficent levil of lust to make the object of his desire feel she is ardently desired during courtship, but it is almost impossible to judge how he will hold up over he long haul......

I guess lots of men find themselves in the same position re. their sex partners.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Ya think that might set them up for an inevitable divorce??


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

1. Period week
2. Wife asleep
3. Wife says shes really tired or not feeling well

Other than that... I just try and get rejected way too much.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Because I already have a job and I know how this movie ends.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Beg her to wear lingerie and all she wants to wear is something I do not think is sexy. When she finally wears what I want, I am so overjoyed, I giggle a little with anticipation and she thinks I am laughing at her. What else can go wrong?! 

More on the way. I have to remember. This is kinda cleansing.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

When I have my period (his choice), when it's been less than two days since last time, when he says he's tired or sick. When I can tell he's just not in the mood and there's no point in trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Risc (Nov 3, 2012)

I find it is easier to run one of manually.. then deal with possible rejection... not that rejection happens all the time..but when it does it is frustrating and makes me just not bother for a while until the pain subsides...


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

First of all, I initiate most of the time. However, there are times that I want sex but don't initiate because:
1. I know she is tired
2. I know she is in pain
3. I don't want to be turned down so I don't ask

I asked my wife why she did not initiate. She said:
1. She doesn't think about it
2 She doesn't want it
3. She is tired
4. She is in pain

She does suffer from chronic neck and shoulder pain from an auto accident when she was 15. It has gotten worse as she ages. Yesterday, I had mine first then gave her oral. She had a great orgasm but afterwards she had a bad headache from the tension during the buildup.

She also has "responsive desire" so she is less likely to think about sex, but usually gets into it after we start and has a great orgasm.

I guess it is amazing we have sex as often as we do!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

missymrs80 said:


> What are some of your reasons for not initiating sex with your wife?QUOTE]
> 
> Hmmm, depends on the situation, still, it could be that I'm...
> 
> ...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

With the ex I stopped due to fear of rejection, he was LD me HD.

With my SO it is a sex marathon, we both initiate. Occasionally he is just too tired after long work days or going out late but there is always morning sex after a night with no sex.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

monkeyboy said:


> Fear of rejection after it has happened too many times.
> 
> Also, sometimes if she does agree, it's only for my benefit she's doing it & it's clear she's not really into it and it's "just the basics."


This fits me as well. I've gotten to the point if she has no interest in passionate kisses, cuddling or personal conversation then I have no interest in sex. A lot of guys can have sex even if they hate their wives, just because its sex, but not me. I've always been driven by my heart and not my penis. I'm 48 and have had 3 sex partners and married 2 of them.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

east2west said:


> 1) Had a lot of sex recently, feeling pretty satisfied, probably will be better tommorow.
> 2) Have deep, intellectual, non sexual thoughts on my mind, often work related.
> 3) Believe rightly or wrongly that she's not in the mood.
> *4) We had a fight. I don't believe in make up sex, it's like rewarding bad behavior. Plus fighting kills the mood for me*.
> 5) Just too tired after intense physical activity like skiing or hiking.


^^^^^^^
This #4 is just like me!
Cannot enjoy sex when I'm not thinking straight.
Maybe because I know sex is "always there?"
But I agree with all the others.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I don't initiate when I don't want sex.

If I catch the vibe that she isn't interested, I don't bother.

Generally she is interested enough for both of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I initiative nightly and my wife is cool enough to help out when she's not in the mood.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

My H never initiates. We only have sex when I initiate, even though I know he could go for it more often than I could. If he would show me his interest and desire instead of hiding it, we would be having sex a lot more often. I have told him that, but no change.

I can only guess at his reasons - but being a "nice guy" (the bad kind), I think he doesn't truly believe that I could have reactive desire if he pursued me, and that he is capable of turning me on. Instead he waits until I am already pre-heated and come looking for him because then he knows without a doubt that I am in the mood. Its a shame really. Especially because I have only ever turned him down like twice in our whole relationship. Yet he's so afraid of rejection. 

He's also not in very good shape and I think that effects him. He complains of being tired and sore all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

missymrs80 said:


> What are some of your reasons for not initiating sex with your wife?
> 
> Women, what are some reasons you don't initiate sex.
> 
> I am talking about any given night.


 rejection is the only reason


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> missymrs80 said:
> 
> 
> > What are some of your reasons for not initiating sex with your wife?QUOTE]
> ...


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

At this point, there are a ton of reasons I won’t initiate... At the heart of it all though is something very simple: I just do not want to have sex with her right at this moment. It’s how I’m currently perceiving her. Yet, there is also a flip side; I would seldom ever reject her IF she initiated with me.

Ok, and there’s something else I haven’t heard anyone else mention... brought on by the talk of being angry and make-up sex. A fear of sorts. Angry or hate sex is a massive conflict in my head; Like some taboo fantasy. I have a ton of anger toward my wife sexually. Could I keep it in check? I don’t know... So, I have no intentions of testing it. If she gets me mad, the last thing I want is to introduce sex in when I’m already in a highly emotional state. Either its going to be the wildest most passionate sex ever, or land me in prison.... So I play it safe... 

I like to initiate when she’s being a bit to c0cky like she’s attempting a half-hearted power play in jest (playfully); fun to take her to the room and dominate her a bit (just as playfully). But if she really made me mad and then started something sexual into play? I’m scared of myself.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

REJECTION
REJECTION
REJECTION

Oh, and did I mention REJECTION?


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## il101 (Oct 23, 2012)

I think that rejection can be a downward spiral for a lot of couples and is a major contribution. I know that I stopped really trying to initiate about 2yrs ago because my wife would always say no or roll her eyes at me. Prime example is last night my wife and I are laying in bed. She rolls over on her side with her back to me and after a couple of minutes I spoon next to her. Her exact words are "Are you going to lay with me or you trying to have sex with me? I’m just asking because I would like some cuddle time before sex". What a turn off with the direct questions. I really wasn’t' trying to have sex, but after a comment like that would you really want to have sex with your wife? This is where the downward spiral comes into play. If you try and get close to your wife and you get questions like this when you try and get close, what’s the point of trying to get close? The funny thing is, I’m the one you asked her why she won't let me get close to her and I didn't get a real answer. Frustrating. Maybe my wife is the only one like this, not sure.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

monkeyboy said:


> Fear of rejection after it has happened too many times.


Yup!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Him:

1. Chronic pain
2. Pain meds making erection impossible
3. My period

Me:

1. Knowing he's in pain

Other than that, it's all on. I do try even if I have my period to offer up oral or a trip to the hot tub. 

I would say it's pretty equal in who initiates most of the time.


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## CO_MOM (Sep 14, 2012)

I think we both initiate often, me more than him right now since I have been going through a really high drive period. I could do it every day right now, he needs at least a day in between to rest. I know he is tired after a 10 hour workday with an hour each way commute, so I don’t push it. I think if we are too tired or fighting is the only time we don’t initiate it.


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## Onzo (Sep 23, 2013)

The days we used to still have more sex, I would deny sex because I felt it was unfair, that she could climb up on me ang get, while when I really needed it, I almost never got it. Often I even had lost my errection after trying so hard to get her hot. One day I decided to just give up.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

For me, there is a history of rejection from my wife and a lot of times there is a lack of interest from her, even if she doesn't say no.

I have been thinking a lot about why I don't initiate or why I find it so hard to do. I think for me, I see no sign that she wants me to initiate. For example, I take two showers a day, I always make sure to shave in the evenings, so that if we did do something, I am clean, shaven, and ready to go. She doesn't seem to do anything to suggest she would like to be touched.

There is no preparation, no effort, nothing that I can tell. 

Alcohol is another issue. There was a time in our marriage that she would have a drink, get a little frisky, and we would have a good time. Then I realized that it only happened when she drank, as if she needed alcohol to make the thought of having sex seem fun/interesting. Now she has a drink almost every night, and I hate it. In addition to me hating it, recently it has changed to her just wanting to get right to intercourse and be done, the more she drinks, the less she wants to do.

Her health is another issue, she is hypothyroid and we are going though a change in her medication. The first change was terrible and she was annoyed at even the smallest touch. I just withdrew completely, which only made things worse.

Last night, she met up with some work friends for a drink as they are going through some layoffs. My plan was to initiate when she got home, to meet her right after she got home, and not talk, but take action. With our past, it takes a lot to build up to that and very little to deflate it. Also, that is something I have never done, just pounce on her when she gets home. Anyway, on her way home, I get two texts, the first one saying that I should not try to kiss her when she gets home because she needs to pee. The second one saying how she had to many chips/salsa/guac and she feels bad.

How did she know!!!!!! It is almost comical if it wasn't me living it.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Just don't like the words NO over and over again.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

If I don't want to its either because I am too tired, irritated with her, or just not in the mood due to a lack of physical attraction.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> What are some of your reasons for not initiating sex with your wife?
> 
> Women, what are some reasons you don't initiate sex.
> 
> I am talking about any given night.



Because my wife is LD vanilla and hasn't changed really at all over the 13+ years of marriage. Always excuses, usually never initiates, needs to lose a lot of weight but only talk about it, never does anything sexually adventurous, sex never more than just once, she can go 2 to 4+ weeks of no sex and is clueless everytime to why we aren't talking or doing much together, getting shot down but she has time for her parents, sister, laptop, cell, reading and napping, etc. Basically, I've given up and I was the HD adventurous one who does weights and is in great shape. Go figure......


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Because my wife is LD vanilla and hasn't changed really at all over the 13+ years of marriage. Always excuses, usually never initiates, needs to lose a lot of weight but only talk about it, never does anything sexually adventurous, sex never more than just once, she can go 2 to 4+ weeks of no sex and is clueless everytime to why we aren't talking or doing much together, getting shot down but she has time for her parents, sister, laptop, cell, reading and napping, etc. Basically, I've given up and I was the HD adventurous one who does weights and is in great shape. Go figure......


This sounds a lot like my wife, except the 2 to 4 weeks can be amended to a year or more. Mine has lost weight, but otherwise, spot on. Same positions each time, complains that her legs hurt, too tired, has a headache, would rather play her computer games, yada yada yada. 

Like Tasorundo, mine also only seems to want it if she's been drinking, which is almost never (not that it's a bad thing she doesn't drink). She won't have any drinks because she doesn't want to be hungover with two little kids in the house. 

She will make comments about our lack of sex, and how it goes both ways (very true), but I just ignore it because all she does is complain about how tired she is, etc.. If I insisted, she would probably go through with it, but it would be hurry-up-and-finish duty sex, and I'd get more pleasure with my hand in the shower.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In addition to all of the above, I'm not sure if anyone mentioned low T or other hormone imbalance.

Aside from that, I think the biggest reason from my past was frequent rejection - after a while, you stop trying.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

There are a few reasons that I do initiate

1) No desire on her part. Sex should not be an inconvenience that you suffer through.

2) She is tired. It takes energy and alertness to really enjoy it. 

3) Past rejections. A few is fine but when you bat .001, it is clear that you are going to fail again.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm taking the question seriously. I want to throw in my experience. I'm the High Drive partner. That means that historically (25+ years) I'm the initiator. Over the past few years I'm changing my feelings about that. I don't want to initiate like I used to. So this has led me to think about why I might feel that way.

I'm tempted to use the rejection reason but after reading the posts on this topic I see that I'm not really rejected that often. I am put off (indefinitely) more often now than I used to be. She wants "spontaneous" sex, because planing sex makes her feel guilty or something. At any rate it spoils it for her. Me, I want to anticipate, even if the event falls through. So I initiate (ask for an appointment) and get put off with a "I don't know when I will be interested".

I've read the term reactive desire today. That leads to my other way of initiating. The back rub. I'll start to work over her shoulders and neck and back and she will warm right up. Works most of the time. If she is very tired she will fall asleep and leave me hanging, but that is less that 10% of the time even at our age. Personally half the time giving her a serious back rub turns me off. For it to work she has to respond, and not by rubbing my back. You would think that after 25 + years she would know that what turns her on doesn't necessarily turn me on. (stopping the rant) I really don't like this initiation method because I feel I have to pay for her attention. She doesn't see it that way.

So why am I resisting initiating? I think part of it is performance anxiety. I'm just not as confident as I was. The other thing is sex isn't as satisfying as it used to be. I'd say one in four times I'm left fulfilled. If I could figure out what does the trick I'd stick to it. One thing that increases the odds to 3 of 4 is when she initiates. When she does I feel desired, that boosts my confidence and things just work better.

So how to summarize it? Burnout may fit.

Mr N.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

See, I have done the MAP, MMSL.

I've done the random flowers, chocolates, card as a total surprise before she wakes up for work. Still no sex difference, so I stopped.

I have cuddled "hence my name" with her often and listened to her day, still no sex difference, so I gave up on that too.

I have done the chores and helped her without being asked, still no sex difference, so I stopped that.

Basically, I'm starting to do things I enjoy now and soon, a gym pass, which I will not tell her. Maybe meet new people.....?!

She never lets me in the bathroom ever and she locks the doors.

If there was some herb or supplement that would awaken her sex drive and be adventurous, I would of bought it and slipped it to her already. Safe of course.

Funny thing is, when I initiate, she turns me down 99% of the time but when she initiates, out of fear our marriage is going down, then she makes me have sex with her, even if I don't want to. She can force me but I can't force her.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

> She never lets me in the bathroom ever and she locks the doors.
> 
> If there was some herb or supplement that would awaken her sex drive and be adventurous, I would of bought it and slipped it to her already. Safe of course.
> 
> [...]


Are you sure you understood what the MAP is about? Unless the bathroom is only hers, you have to change the fact that she locks you out. You cannot mutate into superman and forget the very little hobbit flaws you have.

My wife used to listen to audiobook every night because she stated not to be able to sleep without them. I was fine with that for years untill I started working on things that fuel No-Sex. I believe the thing is that she never thought of sex because she was distracted by the audiobooks (just like some couples are distracted by tv). I didnt tell her why I was forbidding listening to them every night because I have learned that telling someone to do or not do sth because of no-sex, just builds deeper resistance.
The first night with her not listening to audiobooks she was rather very uncomfortable and she later in the night cuddled me in order to sleep, which she hadnt done in months. Days later she initiated sex the first time in months too.

What I want to say is:
Wife distracted in bed = no space for intimacy = less chances for sex.

In your case:
Wife locking you out = you not beieng percieved as her husband who is respected but more like the houseboy or what so ever = less mutual respect = less chances for sex.

At least changing this situation will create some sort of conflict, and in my opinion, conflict builds up sexual tension when both parties dont move their postions too easily.

*I am not saying that you beieng locked out is the only reason sex is not back frequantly, I am just saying it is one brick in the pillars supporting no-sex-policy.*



> She can force me but I can't force her.


Another brick.



> Funny thing is, when I initiate, she turns me down 99% of the time but when she initiates, out of fear our marriage is going down, then she makes me have sex with her, even if I don't want to.


I hope you see that you are just supporting her in manipulating you.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

See, the reason why my wifee locks the bathroom door and we have never been in the bathroom together ever, is because she is a larger woman and insecure. She doesn't want me to see her naked with all the lights on. She has to want to weight train and do cardio to lose the weight and get fit. But if she'd rather talk on the phone, read, go out, laptop, tv, etc. she will only get bigger and the sex will be zero at that point.

Would I want to marry a woman who doesn't take care of herself? NO.

Would I want to marry a woman who has a LD vanilla sex life? NO.

See, I've already told her I'd like it if she snuck into the shower and we had a quickie before work, never happens.

I already told her, I'd like it if I woke up in the middle of the night and she was having sex with me. Never happens.




Right now we aren't talking and are pretty much room mates. See, I can't go one month or more of no sex period!!! Then why did I waste my time marrying her?

I wish there was a way to see if a woman will be LD or not. Then us guys can decide if we want to marry them or not.


The classic excuses from LD spouses:

- if you listened and talked with me more, I might be in the mood more.
- if you helped around with chores more, I might be in the mood more.
- Don't pester me for sex, maybe later or tomorrow, I might be in the mood more.
- And the lame excuses go on and on.

I thought after being married, your other half is to take care of your needs? That marriage is 50 / 50? The LD issues are anything but that.......

This is pushing me to look at a gym now and finally start seriously training and getting out there.

I'm tired of seeing so many ladies that are fit, dress sexy, actually want adventurous sex, in the shower together, have fun together, instead of LD and almost nothing but then still expect a healthy marriage?!

See, I've even told my wife, the main reason our marriage blows is the lack of sex!!! Little to no sex = friends and room mates, not husband and wife. See, I can handle one week of no sex, but then I need sex. Now if it stretches to 1 month of no sex, I stop talking to her and we just pass each other. Yet she still expects hugs, kisses and cuddling? NOT.


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## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

1. Head not in the right place - what's that about.

2.Just finishing watching a TV programme - till 2 or 3 !!

3.Does it have to be all about sex!!

I am also fed up being rejection - I think it hurts more for a woman when her husband keeps making excuses, you just shut down in the end.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

essexgirl said:


> 1. Head not in the right place - what's that about.
> 
> 2.Just finishing watching a TV programme - till 2 or 3 !!
> 
> ...


I just can't understand this, how a man can turn his wife down like that?

I love it when my wife initiates, especially if it is surprise, suddenly jump me, type sex.

Even if I go to bed cross with her, if she initiates I can't help myself.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Some reasons could be:

Certain medications that cause sexual side effects
Tired/Stressed
Fear of rejection
Not really turned on or not emotionally/physically attracted


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## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

Certain medications that cause sexual side effects
Tired/Stressed
Fear of rejection
Not really turned on or not emotionally/physically attracted 

Quoted

Jamison thanks for the reply

1. He doesn't take any medication.
2. Not Tired/Stressed.
3. Fear of rejection - I doubt that.

so it must be 4 - he says not, but I have come to the conclusion it is


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

1. Quote from wife - "I don't mind sex, but it's too much work". If she feels that sex is too much work, then why would I bother to initiate?
2. I've stated before that my wife acts like an adolescent, and is proud of it. Trust me, that's not a turn-on. 
3. When you nag at me about my driving, or other minor stuff that you would never say to anyone else (like maybe one of your PITA siblings), then I really don't want to be around you. 
4. Always complains about being tired and/or having a headache. Maybe if you'd drink something other than Diet Pepsi once in a while (she won't touch water), maybe you wouldn't be so tired or have a headache.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

missymrs80 said:


> What are some of your reasons for not initiating sex with your wife?
> 
> Women, what are some reasons you don't initiate sex.
> 
> I am talking about any given night.


1. *I'm tired of hearing "no," "not tonight," "are you kidding," or "tomorrow."*

2. I no longer feel a connection with her. We've been married for about 6.5 years and been together for about 10.5. After we got married affection and physical attention from her end stopped completely. I talked to her about this for a number of years and we went to MC for about 6 months (didn't do $hit to help us out) and nothing changed.

3. She's all talk. Whenever I talk to her about her lack of sex drive all she says is "I never said we can't have sex." Then when I DO try to initiate it's always "tomorrow" or "are you kidding me? I'm watching a show." 

4. She gets mad when I call her out on being all talk.

5. She's not a physical person at all. There were times in our marriage when I'd come up behind her and kiss her neck while she was doing the dishes or something else and her shoulders would slump and she'd just wait for me to finish so she could to back to whatever she was working on.

6. She knows how upset I am about the lack of physicality in our marriage but she does the minimal effort to change. Has done no heavy lifting to fix things from her end and thinks the once or twice a week peck on the lips is satisfactory effort. This is how she goes through life - very little effort, drive, or ambition into anything she does. 

7. I don't want to give her any false hope that our marriage is salvageable. When I finish nursing school in May and find a job I'm going to divorce her - and yes, lack of sex and physical affection is the number 1 reason.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

P51Geo1980 said:


> 1. *I'm tired of hearing "no," "not tonight," "are you kidding," or "tomorrow."*
> 
> 2. I no longer feel a connection with her. We've been married for about 6.5 years and been together for about 10.5. After we got married affection and physical attention from her end stopped completely. I talked to her about this for a number of years and we went to MC for about 6 months (didn't do $hit to help us out) and nothing changed.
> 
> ...


Your story sounds relatively similar to mine. I am considering moving on as well for the same reason.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

P51Geo1980 said:


> 1. *I'm tired of hearing "no," "not tonight," "are you kidding," or "tomorrow."*
> 
> 2. I no longer feel a connection with her. We've been married for about 6.5 years and been together for about 10.5. After we got married affection and physical attention from her end stopped completely. I talked to her about this for a number of years and we went to MC for about 6 months (didn't do $hit to help us out) and nothing changed.
> 
> ...



Did you marry my wife????


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

A guy here, and there are really not too many reasons I ever have for not initiating sex:

- Physical injury (two years ago I actually injured my penis during a rather rigorous sex act, and the urologist said no sex for a month!!!)
- Serious illness (just getting over a serious intestinal infection, so I have been out of the sex loop for about 10 days)
- Extreme fatigue

Basically just "physically unable to perform" sorts of reasons.

There was a time when rejection and resentment would keep me from initiating, but we got past that a long time ago.

I do, however, wish she would initiate more often than she does.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

My stated reasons when I first started to reject my husband:

- exhaustion
- had small children and didn't want to be touched after a day of having them all over me
- needed sleep so I could care for the babies the next day or if they woke up in the night
- wasn't feeling sexy/attractive

Those reasons eventually morphed into
- no drive
- felt like my husband didn't like me much

Which lead to
-resentment because I felt like my needs weren't being met

Which led to ten years of LD for me and extreme frustration for my husband who eventually stopped initiating because he was worn down from rejection.

My reasons now, after we're repaired the marriage and I got help working through old resentment and managing new:

-occasionally physical exhaustion (I'm currently anemic) but I make sure to take care of him next day
-extreme irritability 2 days a month during PMS (but I'm working with my husband on a go around for this )
-illness
-if I know my h will reject me/be annoyed--like if he's in the middle of a stressful day at work (he works at home)


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

1.) She beats me to it.

2.) She is ill.

3.) She is distraught over the loss of a close friend, relative or some other major life event.

4.) She is injured, recovering from surgery, etc.

5.) Sometimes she is very obviously not in the mood and the 'vibe' is tangible enough to cut with a knife.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Because my wife is LD vanilla and hasn't changed really at all over the 13+ years of marriage. Always excuses, usually never initiates, needs to lose a lot of weight but only talk about it, never does anything sexually adventurous, sex never more than just once, she can go 2 to 4+ weeks of no sex and is clueless everytime to why we aren't talking or doing much together, getting shot down but she has time for her parents, sister, laptop, cell, reading and napping, etc. Basically, I've given up and I was the HD adventurous one who does weights and is in great shape. Go figure......


This is another comfort zone issue. The thing is she is distracted by several things and people in her that she actually rarely really thinks of intimacy the way you do. Now, you cant forbid her to meet her familly like you can forbid the TV, cell or laptop in clever ways. Already when she is able to give you attention, that can change a lot.

In a previous post of mine I mentioned how my wife listening to audiobooks was interfering with our sexlife, so I had to forbid it and then things went slightly up (slightly, there was still a lot of work ahead of me).

Just dont let No-Sex, or NO-Attention, or NO-Intimacy be your reason!! That will definately fail the whole aganda. *These are things the other has to give by own will*, and this only works if they arent aware of you drawing them away from things that supress there nature from delivering.

My *faked* reason for my wife to stop laptop and audiobooks in my present was that I didnt feel right to cuddle when I felt she wasnt aware of me. So I said either we are cuddling or you on your audios.

It is said that spouses shouldnt threaten each other, but in my experience an amount of threat-potential is needed in a relationship.

So I threatend that I wont assist in the garden if I wasnt seeing any improvent here. Well she said I was weierd to threat because of such a small issue and ignored my request (*that is because she was not aware why it was of importance! If she had been aware, she might have complied for some weeks or brought up tough resistance*). 
But finally when she once needed help in the garden I refused to comply (though she really pushed). Two nights later she was in bed with no audiobooks and during daytime when she wanted me around her she made sure the laptop was far off reach. About a week later she initiated sex after a whole lifetime because she complained of not beieng able to sleep, usually she used the audiobooks to fall asleep.
Also her not beieng chained to her laptop in my presence became quality time we used to either talk, cook or take a small spontanious trip.

Just be warned! If you want to threat with sth, make sure it is sth they really need from you, that is why it is important for you to help out here and there at home, so that you have leverage. Just be aware that the less independant you are from your spouse the more you risk that she also leverages sth rather than complies. The best thing is not to give in to easily, because sometimes one side is just using a pokerface. So dont take each retaliation serious from the start.

*In your case, the problem is that your spouse sounds not to have a lot of interest to spend time with you. Dont let that bug you. Make sure you are meeting people too and have own hobbies, after accomplishing this, then push her out of the comfort zone. Dont push her out of it when you havent fixed your own end of the equation.*

I advice my clients to use following rule when it comes to initiating sex:

- First you make sure you have the others attention by free will
- Second you make sure you are on several good terms with them (rapport) and are respected
- Third you finally bring in things that cause (sexual) tension


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Double post...posted in wrong thread!


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

1) Fear of rejection/being turned down.

2)Resentment/uncertainty that I always initiate. Does she not enjoy our sex? 

3)Tired from work.

4)Menstruation.

5) Financial stress
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

My number one reason is her lack of interest. She does not even act exasperated. She will plainly say, "I am not in the mood". No raising of the voice, no "sorry", no "sigh, you are always wanting it".


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Tired of getting my hand slapped, tired of all the rules in our sex life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

monkeyboy said:


> Fear of rejection after it has happened too many times.
> 
> Also, sometimes if she does agree, it's only for my benefit she's doing it & it's clear she's not really into it and it's "just the basics."


This is the number one reason I rarely initiate with my wife. If she is not in the mood for it, it simply ain't gonna happen most of the time. And if she does give up some pitty sex, she just lays there and does not participate at all. This feels like basic rape to me and I'm not up for it. So I just wait for her to get In the mood, which lately pisses her off. We have begun talking about it and will see here it goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

This is a touchy situation. I've been with my wife for 7 years married and 10 total. We still have sex but only a few times a month.

I love sex and could have it everyday but I need visual stimulation.

My wife isn't a natural beauty like some women are, some women can tie their hair back, lounge around in a pair of cotton pajamas and still look sexy.

My wife has not lost her pregnancy weight, still 20 lbs to go so belly fat and chubby thighs doesn't do it for me.

I like women that at home come home from work and shower and change into sexy matching bra and panties, nice silky pajamas aor a low cut top with a hint of perfume and will have a glass of wine with you.

I understand not all women can do that but due to how busy life is but if she was that type of woman, then we would be having all types of sex.


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## CreekWalker (May 31, 2013)

I've been with my husband for 18 years and I have only been with two other people briefly. I'll never again be the 18 year old girl he met. Physically, mentally or anything else ally. 

I'm a size 13. So I am overweight. But...I'm very pretty. I look younger than my 37 years. I've started working out at a gym. But dieting is hard because my husband seems to ambush that. He is overweight and won't do anything about it. Not even take his medications. He is 42.

I've stopped initiating sex because he doesn't seem to want it. I equate that to him not wanting me. Because he's so disinterested in me on a whole, I really think this is all part of the whole.

I miss my husband and he's standing right here. I miss passion. I miss him brushing his teeth and grooming better. 

I meet other men sometimes who are so attractive. As in they are so active, they have interesting hobbies like sailing or biking. I imagine a life with them, or just enjoying them for a bit. 

I don't reach for my husband for a lot of reasons. Rejection is stupid, that's one. And, because he isn't into it and I can tell. I want someone who has that look in their eyes for me. And he's mostly annoyed with me. It's all so disapointing. There are no getaways together, or sexy chases up the creek. His idea of foreplay or...I'm not sure what...is when I'm picking something up off the floor is sticking his foot between my legs and giving me a crotch bump. My level of disdain for that is...very high. That's not passion. It's not love. I don't know what the **** it is.

I can't do this for much longer. Something in me is fading away. So, do I have fancy nighties to wear? not really. Do I march around in matching bras and panties? Yeah but he doesn't notice. Will he chill and have a glass of wine and talk to me? Not in a million years. Maybe a Coors...if he's watching tv. 

It won't be long before I am through school and options open up to me. It breaks my heart to think of walking. But it breaks my heart to think of staying...because I'm slowly watching my life leak away. And weekend after weekend and day after day...nothing gets better. 

It's pretty pathetic that his lack of sex drive and lack of passion have caused me to give up on worrying about so many things in our life. I just don't care to fight for things anymore. To fix broken things. 

Marriage pretty much sucks if you ask me.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

That is another heartbreaking story, that has become too familiar on here. Everyone deserves to be happy, so I wish you the best, you sound like a prize to me & the right guy is waiting for you


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

We'll, my wife and I had no sex for 1 month and then when our marriage was starting to go under again, she notices and after work, jumps on me for cuddling and give me a good BJ and swallows. She didn't do this because she has a high healthy sex drive. She did this because she knew no sex equals bad marriage and maybe divorce. Wrong reasons to have sex. Now it will be many weeks to another month before we have sex again. I no longer initiate because I'm tired of the excuses and rejections, so if she wants sex, she has to initiate or get nothing.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Nope, you totally just described my wife, too! This exact scenario has happened many times in my bedroom...



il101 said:


> I think that rejection can be a downward spiral for a lot of couples and is a major contribution. I know that I stopped really trying to initiate about 2yrs ago because my wife would always say no or roll her eyes at me. Prime example is last night my wife and I are laying in bed. She rolls over on her side with her back to me and after a couple of minutes I spoon next to her. Her exact words are "Are you going to lay with me or you trying to have sex with me? I’m just asking because I would like some cuddle time before sex". What a turn off with the direct questions. I really wasn’t' trying to have sex, but after a comment like that would you really want to have sex with your wife? This is where the downward spiral comes into play. If you try and get close to your wife and you get questions like this when you try and get close, what’s the point of trying to get close? The funny thing is, I’m the one you asked her why she won't let me get close to her and I didn't get a real answer. Frustrating. Maybe my wife is the only one like this, not sure.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

essexgirl said:


> 1. Head not in the right place - what's that about.
> 
> 2.Just finishing watching a TV programme - till 2 or 3 !!
> 
> ...


Yep, this. I love sex, I'm HD and my husband is LD. We last had sex over 2 weeks ago - and that was because I initiated and really pushed it, otherwise it wouldn't have happened, and it had been weeks before that too.

Once he's into it he likes it but he rarely initiates, and despite my tears, pleas, questions - I asked him outright "are you gay?" and promising to make more of an effort absolutely nothing changes.

I could have sex every day, easily, but would be happy with 2-3 times a week. Anything would be better than what I'm getting now!


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

CreekWalker said:


> I've been with my husband for 18 years and I have only been with two other people briefly. I'll never again be the 18 year old girl he met. Physically, mentally or anything else ally.
> 
> I'm a size 13. So I am overweight. But...I'm very pretty. I look younger than my 37 years. I've started working out at a gym. But dieting is hard because my husband seems to ambush that. He is overweight and won't do anything about it. Not even take his medications. He is 42.
> 
> ...


You said that so eloquently! I know what you're going through - I'm married to the female version of your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wannabe (Sep 29, 2013)

Wow... great thread. Funny how so many marriages mirrors another. Well, my reasons for not initiating anymore (It's been almost 2 weeks that I've ceded any initiation of any intimacy.):

- Fear of being rejected again
- The argument that starts after I'm rejected
- Her rudeness after said rejection
- The setback after said rejection - This refers to the amount of time it takes before I'm "allowed" to / feel it's safe enough to initiate again


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

alexm quoting il101
""Are you going to lay with me or you trying to have sex with me? I’m just asking because I would like some cuddle time before sex"."

I'd be all over that. I mean that's what I want. A clear explanation of what she wants followed by an invitation for sex. Someone e-mail that to my wife.

MN


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

It use to be rejection. For years it was . She says she wants sex but her list of conditions is a mile long. So I don't initiate now because I'm bored to tears. I'm also tired of pouring my affections out and not getting any in return. For example, I kiss her in bed but she complains I'm not lined up properly. She doesn't like sideways kissing. She hardly hardly touches me either, not sexually anyway.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Because she's been vocally angry and complaining every single one of the last 3 million minutes and nothing is going to ameliorate that now.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I'm sure my wife would be able to give a list of reasons a mile long why we don't actually have sex, and the fact that I rarely initiate would probably be on that list.

As far as why I don't initiate, it could be summed up in the phrase "why bother?" It's not so much fear of rejection for me, although that is at least some part of it. It's the amount of rejection, and quite possibly the method.

I am way more HD than my wife even knows. It has diminished quite a bit since I've put on weight, but still quite healthy. Although when we've talked about it says she thinks about sex a lot and is way more "sexual" than I realize and is in the mood at least once a day, my wife seems very LD to me. I used to ask her all the time, multiple times per day, and there is ALWAYS something else that has to be done, taken care of, put away, taken out, etc. that is her reasoning for why we can't.

Gone are the early Saturday morning quickies before the little ones wake up. Gone is the playful touching, the pillow talk. Gone is my desire.

In the past 6 weeks, we've had sex twice. Both times she has had multiple orgasms, both times I didn't finish. The first time her mother was in the house and she didn't want her to hear us (after she's had her orgasms and felt like she couldn't take any more). She said she thought I had come. The second time, she insisted that she had to pee and said she'd be right back, and actually asked if I came (rare that she even asks anymore). I waited 15 minutes for her, and then she just got in the bed, turned her back to me went to sleep. Knowing that I didn't orgasm, knowing I was waiting for her to come back.

Needless to say, I don't initiate at all any more, and actually turn her down when she asks. Why bother?

I've heard a lot of women say, about no having orgasms, that it was fun before you stopped, so why is it such a big deal? I liken it to driving a car. An expensive, exotic, super car. Sure it's fun driving it around town, revving it up, feeling the vibrations. Then all of a sudden the car disappears into thin air. Now I'm out here in the middle of the street, naked and cold, far from home, and I can't get back unless I walk myself there. My wife won't even come pick me up, and walking home myself feels like the walk of shame. So I sit on the curb and go to sleep instead. The next time my wife wants me to go take a drive in a sports car, I think... why bother?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Sometimes it's easier to merely ask for my 'survival' nights (HJ, etc) until the weekend, when we usually have sex. I always preficit it with a question to screw but know the answer beforehand.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

essexgirl said:


> Certain medications that cause sexual side effects
> Tired/Stressed
> Fear of rejection
> Not really turned on or not emotionally/physically attracted
> ...


Has he had his testosterone tested?


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

40isthenew20 said:


> Sometimes it's easier to merely ask for my 'survival' nights (HJ, etc) until the weekend, when we usually have sex. I always preficit it with a question to screw but know the answer beforehand.


Preficit - I love this word and move that it be added to the English lexicon immediately.

I'm serious.


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## agua (Oct 2, 2013)

Mostly rejection. I've tried so many times and all I got was a chance to piss her off. So I stopped trying.


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## metallicus (Oct 2, 2013)

Drinking was the love of my life for over 20 years. My wife had finally had it and threatened to leave (with my beautiful 5 year old daughter) so I stopped completely. I let things settle down for six months and approached my wife only for her to tell me she did not feel close to me. That could mean anything so I just backed off and put intimacy out of my mind. It's been two years now, completely sober, and we are still not intimate. She says that I do not initiate. She is the one who put up a wall between us. I changed my life to make hers (and mine) better. The least she could do is try to show me that she is still interested. Who knows, maybe she isn't. For now my daughter and I sleep on the couch.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

After so much rejection, I have came to prefer self-satisfaction. I don't initiate partly because I fulfill that need on my own. It never lets me down. Also, in my fantasy I can have something other than a five minute go-through-the-motions session. I sound like such a woman but the quickies do not fulfill me.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

A man would fail to initiate due to fear of rejection.

Another reason for failing to initiate would be fear of reprisal due to "rape" like viewpoint.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Erm, my balls are blue?


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## bt38019 (Oct 3, 2013)

Wife not interested in sex.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

I will try to have sex with my wife until the day I die!


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Erm, my balls are blue?


I complained to my wife two weeks ago for this very reason. Two nights in a row she was too tired and on the third I had to remind her that we didn't have sex in 4 days!!!

Frustrating...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Star (Dec 6, 2009)

NewHubs said:


> I complained to my wife two weeks ago for this very reason. Two nights in a row she was too tired and on the third I had to remind her that we didn't have sex in 4 days!!!
> 
> Frustrating...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Lol, 4 days is hardly a long time, you should count yourself lucky.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

Star...I'm HD. 4 days is like a week and a half!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Star (Dec 6, 2009)

I wish I only had to wait 4 days between sessions!


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

I feel for you bud...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

I heard the headache word last night, shut me down...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Star said:


> I wish I only had to wait 4 days between sessions!


Ha! Me too!! And I'm a woman!


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

"The children are up" (I'm too pi**ed to give a sh!t)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The last 10,000 attempts resulted in rejection. Nobody keeps lowering their bucket down into a dry well forever.


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## pinotnoir (Jul 13, 2013)

missymrs80 said:


> What are some of your reasons for not initiating sex with your wife?
> 
> Women, what are some reasons you don't initiate sex.
> 
> I am talking about any given night.


Well, either because my wife is in one of her moods, and/or fear of rejection...again.


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## Kdolo14 (Oct 20, 2013)

I agree completely. I'm trying to figure out how to fix this more than anything. I recognize it, but want to move on and do better with my wife. Really frustrated right now


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> What are some of your reasons for not initiating sex with your wife?
> 
> Women, what are some reasons you don't initiate sex.
> 
> I am talking about any given night.


I didn't read the thread, but I'll give my reason.

Most of this applies to my past marriage, but some also to my current relationship.

The main reason I don't initiate is rejection.

I used to try to initiate sex. Be suggestive, even wear 'kinky underwear' she liked (and picked out), climb into bed naked to surprise her after having an early morning shower, doing romantic things, whatever I felt would have success.

When you get told no the majority of the time, it gets frustrating, hurtful and downright embarrassing.

I did, and still do, romantic things for her without the expectation of sex. It wasn't like all of my moves were designed with sex in mind. I can understand how that can be a turn off.

She still gets flowers every few weeks (more if I could afford them), we still a lot of things together, but when it comes to 'initiating' all I do now is say "Wanna go play?"

Usually, the answer is no. I asked last night actually and all I got was an "are you kidding?" look over her glasses. 

Once I get a no, I don't ask again until she initiates. I hate it, it feels like she has full control on the when, where, how, etc. of our sex life, but it's no more fun to ask and get a no, then ask again, and again, and again. You feel like the only reason you get a yes is because you browbeat them into it. 

I have to much pride for that. Maybe I am weak in putting up with this overall, but I have to much pride to just ask and ask and ask only to get sex because she feels badgered into it. I want sex with someone who actually wants to have sex with me, not someone who feels they have a duty to perform.

Frankly, I think its stupid I have to 'ask.' But at this stage, that's all I'm willing to put in. When you put in a bunch of effort to try and get her in the mood only to get told no far more often than you get a yes, you just don't want to go through the effort. Now I'll just ask "wanna go play?" get a no most of the time and go on with my day. A lot less effort spent for the same result.

Our sex life in my current relationship went south for quite a while, a few years in fact, when sex was once every two to three weeks. Finally I had enough, we had a talk and agreed to about two times a week. That's starting to slide again, usually about twice every 10 days or so, and heading the wrong way. Initiating just means a more likely chance I'll get a no, so I don't really see the benefit of 'going for it' much. 

And yes I know that twice every 10 days likely sounds like a fiesta to some guys (and gals) around here who are sexless for weeks and months at a time, but when you agree to a few times a week and you expect your significant other to put in every effort to maintain that frequency, only to see her knowingly let it slip (yep, she's well aware it's dropping off) and not do anything about it is frustrating.

I mean two times a week is about average for most married couples, hence why we agreed that that is the frequency we should be striving for at the minimum. I know that average includes couples who are both very happy and couples who sleep in seperate bedrooms. The frequency of truly happy couples is likely noticably higher than twice a week, and if you ask her, she's immensely happy in this relationship. She calls me the man of her dreams, a wonderful man, extremely kind and caring, etc. Honestly, she doesn't have one bad word to say about me.

Yet sex is getting less and less frequent. We recently went almost two weeks without and she really didn't see it as an issue, while I was climbing the walls. 

Btw, I know that 'average' isn't as good as the 'median' but finding stats on that isn't my forte it would seem.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If I don't push for sex, maybe 1x month and sometimes less than that.

If I push for sex, I might get it 2x week.

Since I am HD adventurous, this lack of sex is torturous.

I get blue balls and the pain is really bad at times. I hint to my wife and she says, maybe later and that usually doesn't happen because she is tired, reading a book, laptop, talking on the phone with her sister and parents for a few hours, or relaxing on the couch watching TV.

But its the rejection over and over and it accumulates. After a while, you just basically give up. And then when she actually is in the mood, you aren't or just do it to get the sex over with.

I thought when married, vows, your other half is to take care of your needs and not only their own?

I'm looking for supplements that will increase a woman's sex drive.........researching this.....


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

At one point I was on the same page as many of you. I was staying 'for the kids.' That works only until they reach a certain age where you decide the damage to them from divorce is worse than living with miserable parents.

Once I had given myself the freedom to work that way, things changed. My wife understood that I was serious, we would change or we were over. I didn't make a threat. I _really_ worked on changing myself for the better. I also detached. Seeing those two things at once scared her into changing.

We're in a much better place now. The advice on this website really does work.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> If I don't push for sex, maybe 1x month and sometimes less than that.
> 
> If I push for sex, I might get it 2x week.
> 
> ...


At least your sex drive and desire for life has not been stripped and diminished. I like that you mention that if you don't push for it it will be one time a month and if you push for it 2 times a week, still not what you would optimallly desire, but better than once a month. So if you don't look after yourself she definately will not.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yah, so true.

Even if I had sex with her 3 - 4x a week, once every 2nd day for example, quickies during the work week and quality sex on the weekends, I could go for that and be okay, but that isn't even happening.....I've had to relieve myself so many times over our marriage, number too high to count, and I'd rather have sex with her but nope, excuses....


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: Re: Men, what are some reasons for not initiating sex?.*



missymrs80 said:


> What are some of your reasons for not initiating sex with your wife?
> 
> Women, what are some reasons you don't initiate sex.
> 
> I am talking about any given night.


1) I'm annoyed at her if she's in a Pissy or more high strung than usual mood
2) she'll just say no so what's the point


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

The top reasons I can think of
1 Depression
2 Low T
3 Physical exhaustion
4 Mental exhaustion
5 Emotional turmoil
6. Lack of your Lover initiating
7 Fear of rejection
8 Feelings of resentment
9 Fear of STD
10 Suspicion of infidelity


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You're meaner than a one eyed dog biting a scorpion
You never stop complaining
It's not that I hate you I just hate being around you
You say no about 99% of the time
You're bad at it and uninterested in that fact and you know it
I already have a job
You're kind of creepy in a purely objective sense


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Mine is simple- when you long for a steak dinner, but know, for whatever reason it will always just be a hamburger, you lose desire & interest. I find that your body adapts & your drive decreases. "Blueballs" from lack of sex is a myth, so is the risk for prostate cancer, I've talked to my urologist about both.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Yah, so true.
> 
> Even if I had sex with her 3 - 4x a week, once every 2nd day for example, quickies during the work week and quality sex on the weekends, I could go for that and be okay, but that isn't even happening.....I've had to relieve myself so many times over our marriage, number too high to count, and I'd rather have sex with her but nope, excuses....


And it is excuses.

Does she help you non-sexually in other ways? Like does she pick up after a little bit without complaining?

Will she do chores and bring you a dinner plate for example?

Does she sit with you on the couch and watch TV?


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