# Next Move



## cal516 (Feb 20, 2019)

I am posting this in the infidelity forum because I feel that is where my wife’s head is at. 
My wife and I have had our ups and down for the last 10 years. Long story short I have been attending sex addicts’ anonymous meetings for the past few years. I have improved immensely over the past years, but it is still a work in progress. I went for a stint of nearly 6 months of sobriety (no pornography or other boundaries crossed). However, I had a slip back in November of 2018 when she caught me looking at porn. My wife has since considered separating to work our own selves out. However, she will not commit to the decision which is not an easy one. We have two kids (12,4). The oldest is my son from a previous marriage and she has been around him since he was 4. 
I have offered several times to move out, so she didn’t have to. I have also made several plans to how we can separate and make things not as traumatic for the kids (it that is possible). Again, she will not commit to anything I suggest. We have since been living together and sleeping in the same bed. There is no intimacy, sex or affection between us. We are essentially married roommates. I know a part of me is glad that we have not split but I also feel like we are spinning our wheels. How long should this go on for? What is a next move?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

cal516 said:


> I am posting this in the infidelity forum because I feel that is where my wife’s head is at.
> My wife and I have had our ups and down for the last 10 years. Long story short I have been attending sex addicts’ anonymous meetings for the past few years. I have improved immensely over the past years, but it is still a work in progress. I went for a stint of nearly 6 months of sobriety (no pornography or other boundaries crossed). However, I had a slip back in November of 2018 when she caught me looking at porn. My wife has since considered separating to work our own selves out. However, she will not commit to the decision which is not an easy one. We have two kids (12,4). The oldest is my son from a previous marriage and she has been around him since he was 4.
> I have offered several times to move out, so she didn’t have to. I have also made several plans to how we can separate and make things not as traumatic for the kids (it that is possible). Again, she will not commit to anything I suggest. We have since been living together and sleeping in the same bed. There is no intimacy, sex or affection between us. We are essentially married roommates. I know a part of me is glad that we have not split but I also feel like we are spinning our wheels. How long should this go on for? What is a next move?


Have you had an affair?
How has your porn use effected your sex life before this?
Tell us the back story so we can give you advice.


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## cal516 (Feb 20, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> Have you had an affair?
> How has your porn use effected your sex life before this?
> Tell us the back story so we can give you advice.


I have not had an affair however I was on dating sites several years ago that caused some issues but I have broke free from that. Our sex life has always been great. We would have sex at least twice a week and it was even our "thing" to sneak it in on Sunday during the day when the kids were per-occupied. Even my wife makes the comment....sex has never been our issue.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

cal516 said:


> I have not had an affair however I was on dating sites several years ago that caused some issues but I have broke free from that. Our sex life has always been great. We would have sex at least twice a week and it was even our "thing" to sneak it in on Sunday during the day when the kids were per-occupied. Even my wife makes the comment....sex has never been our issue.


Why do you feel like porn is such an issue in your marriage then?


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## cal516 (Feb 20, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> Why do you feel like porn is such an issue in your marriage then?


I do not feel like it is but based on my history, my wife feels that it is. She feels that if I am doing that I am doing other things such as back on dating sites, chatting with other women and having affairs.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

cal516 said:


> I do not feel like it is but based on my history, my wife feels that it is. She feels that if I am doing that I am doing other things such as back on dating sites, chatting with other women and having affairs.


So who actually diagnosed you as a 'sex addict?' A therapist, or an actual CSAT whose *qualified* to make the diagnosis?

You just sound like a serial cheater to me.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

cal516 said:


> I do not feel like it is but based on my history, my wife feels that it is. She feels that if I am doing that I am doing other things such as back on dating sites, chatting with other women and having affairs.


Tell us what you think an affair is?
We know what your wife thinks.....


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## cal516 (Feb 20, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So who actually diagnosed you as a 'sex addict?' A therapist, or an actual CSAT whose *qualified* to make the diagnosis?
> 
> You just sound like a serial cheater to me.


It is based off my entire life history, including input from counselors and questionnaires I have taken.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I say move out.
Unless you want this sexless marriage to continue?
Who knows whats really going on, but I would not hang around in your situation.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You sound almost exactly like a friend of mine.

Your wife has been damaged emotionally for years and is done.

She sectioned off her heart, her innermost being, from you because she had to so she could cope and function.

You have proven that you are not to be trusted with her heart.

She is still in your living situation because it is the compromise she adapted to so as to not destroy the family.

What path do you think you can take that will eventually prove you are worth trusting with something as special as your wife's heart?

You spent years destroying your wife's love and trust, don't believe for a moment that it might take years to heal and build it back up.

She isn't a microwave that needs a new circuit and a button pushed.

She is a hardened human being who has adapted to years of hurt and betrayal by the one who was supposed to love and protect her the most.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're making this sound way too trite. You make it sound like all you've done is look at porn and sign up for a dating site. There has to be more to this story. We can't help if we don't know the truth.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

cal516 said:


> It is based off my entire life history, including input from counselors and questionnaires I have taken.


So....no one who is* qualified *to do so has officially MEDICALLY diagnosed you. That's pretty much what I figured. This is a favorite go-to for therapists now, even though they have NO qualifications to make that call. So, I'm not surprised at all.

You're a serial cheater. Got it.

Your wife (for reasons only she can comprehend) has chosen to stay with a serial cheater who has put her through hell for years with his cheating and inappropriate behavior. The damage has been done. By staying with you, it's as though she's chosen a permanent seat at the **** Sandwich Cafe. I'm getting the impression that your wife has discovered that this incredibly unappealing diet is not sustainable, so she's just doing 'time' because she doesn't want to break up the family. 

A very noble but foolish decision on her part.

I'm assuming if you separate you'll take your 12 year old son with you since it's your responsibility to raise him, not your 2nd wife's. 

Why are you so spineless that you need HER to start the ball rolling with a separation? Start looking for a place for you and your son and start getting your **** together and doing what you need to do. You don't need your wife's *permission* to do that. Geez, 

If I'm being brutally honest, you'll be doing her a huge favor. She's done with you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> You sound almost exactly like a friend of mine.


Your wife sounds like me.




ConanHub said:


> She isn't a microwave that needs a new circuit and a button pushed.


Nope. I'm here to tell you, that my wife's continual cheating, lust, was like your story. In the beginning, I was "plugged in" to our marriage, and I endured still trying to make a go of it...frequent sex, 
actions of love, words of affection, companionship.....

But one day, she came out with one of her veiled insults which compared me unfavorably to another of her men (whether fantasy or reality, I cannot tell) day following our last-night sex, and I actually heard "snap" in my head....the sound of a million neurons instantaneously reordering themselves into a different schematic, and a half-second later, my internal dialog said ".....well, I hope you enjoyed that as much as you could, because it is the last damned time you will ever get it from me...."

my keyboard was forever locked to her.....my thoughts of sex with her completely escaped from my head....I was no longer willing to endure the pain, no longer willing to pay the penalty for her sin.
Which, I paid for every time we had sex.

Sometimes, I slept in the same bed with her. Sometimes, not. But, I was no longer "in" the marriage. I remained in the same house, but I was completely "plugged out". I don't think I touched her naked body again, not even once. I never said "I love you", I never was playful or affectionate again.

With her......you're done.....forever.... you're not even in the "friend zone"..... you're in the "tolerate for the sake of the kids zone".... 

My wife tragically died at age 36 while undergoing a liver transplant. But, my clear plan was to haul a$$ and find someone else as soon as our sons left. I could have then made the case that she could get off her concupiscent gluteal corpulence and go the hell to work.

@She'sStillGotIt has "got it"....

My decision wasn't "noble" at all.... I stayed to protect my sons from riding the **** carousel alongside their mother while struggling to be the sole breadwinner of two homes.
Not noble, just practical. Eating the **** sandwich was preferable to the other choice. That's all.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm not hopeless about your situation. I just hope you understand you are in for a long haul and will not only need to become a real man for your wife, you will have to do it because it is right and not because you are expecting results. You will need lots of endurance because results might be a long way coming.

You have a chance however, because she is still there.

Do you have what it takes?

I don't think most do.

Most who have decimated their loved ones, systematically and chronically, aren't capable of the type of strength it takes to change and the endurance it takes to win their harmed loved ones back.

You do understand that you have to win her all over again? Do you understand that it won't be as easy this time?

Do you really understand that you have lost her?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Most who have decimated their loved ones, systematically and chronically, aren't capable of the type of strength it takes to change and the endurance it takes to win their harmed loved ones back.


This is absolutely right. Most don't have the actual desire to change, anyway. They want to be cake-eaters.

My wife tried all kinds of things aimed at placating me. It was too much, for too long, and now, it was too late.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

A married man who signs up on internet dating sites is, IMHO, cheating on their spouse. At least emotionally. You were actively looking for a connection with other women.

Any behavior that a spouse is not comfortable with, and you try to hide, is cheating.

Your wife has probably had enough of your crap. Especially since you don't seem to understand how damaging that behavior is to a marriage.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

I disagree with most of you about the problem, but agree on the solution.

When I hear wives associating their H’s porn use to infidelity, I normally just smdh and think about the ****show the poor guy must live in. If she’s that twisted and insecure to make that leap in pretzel logic, then get out now. You simply married the wrong woman. Cut your losses and move on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TJW said:


> But one day, she came out with one of her veiled insults which compared me unfavorably to another of her men (whether fantasy or reality, I cannot tell) day following our last-night sex, and I actually heard "snap" in my head....the sound of a million neurons instantaneously reordering themselves into a different schematic, and a half-second later, my internal dialog said ".....well, I hope you enjoyed that as much as you could, because it is the last damned time you will ever get it from me...."


Ah yes, the SNAP... the click... of DONE.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

cal516 said:


> I do not feel like it is but based on my history, my wife feels that it is. *She feels that if I am doing that I am doing other things such as back on dating sites, chatting with other women and having affairs*.


How long have you been married?

How long were you on dating sites and chatting with other women?

How long ago did she find out about the cheating (see above)?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

MyRevelation said:


> I disagree with most of you about the problem, but agree on the solution.
> 
> When I hear wives associating their H’s porn use to infidelity, I normally just smdh and think about the ****show the poor guy must live in. If she’s that twisted and insecure to make that leap in pretzel logic, then get out now. You simply married the wrong woman. Cut your losses and move on.


I was getting to this, I just wanted to see if had had any real affairs. 
If it's just porn.....file and leave now.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

StillSearching said:


> I was getting to this, I just wanted to see if had had any real affairs.
> If it's just porn.....file and leave now.


He was interacting with women on dating sites, in addition to the porn. I can say that would be a deal breaker for me as the wife...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> I was getting to this, I just wanted to see if had had any real affairs.
> If it's just porn.....file and leave now.


So you don't think chatting with other women and keeping profiles on dating sites is cheating? 

OP, were you exchanging pics and such with these women you were chatting with? Also, were you presenting yourself as a single person in these dating sites? Because as a single person, I'd be so pissed to find out you were wasting my time pretending to be available.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> StillSearching said:
> 
> 
> > I was getting to this, I just wanted to see if had had any real affairs.
> ...


Yep, imagine the comments if OP was a woman who was chatting up randos online and had posted profiles on dating sites!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Lila said:


> Yep, imagine the comments if OP was a woman who was chatting up randos online and had posted profiles on dating sites!


Like I said..If it's just porn. His wife is overreacting and he should bail.
He said his "chatting up randos online and had posted profiles on dating sites!" was long over.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > Yep, imagine the comments if OP was a woman who was chatting up randos online and had posted profiles on dating sites!
> ...


He also claims that chatting up randos and keeping online profiles on dating sites was not cheating so I guess "was long over" is relative. I hope he comes back and tells us when his cheating ( because that's exactly what it was if it was done behind his wife's back) happened. I'm also curious what he did to repair the damage he did to the marriage.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Projection ... OP never said he was chatting, just that his W believed he was due to his recent porn viewing.

Sounds to me that some posters made the same faulty leap in logic as his W did.

It’s no way to live your life.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

cal516 said:


> I am posting this in the infidelity forum because I feel that is where my wife’s head is at.
> My wife and I have had our ups and down for the last 10 years. Long story short I have been attending sex addicts’ anonymous meetings for the past few years. I have improved immensely over the past years, but it is still a work in progress. I went for a stint of nearly 6 months of sobriety (no pornography or other boundaries crossed). However, I had a slip back in November of 2018 when she caught me looking at porn. My wife has since considered separating to work our own selves out. However, she will not commit to the decision which is not an easy one. We have two kids (12,4). The oldest is my son from a previous marriage and she has been around him since he was 4.
> I have offered several times to move out, so she didn’t have to. I have also made several plans to how we can separate and make things not as traumatic for the kids (it that is possible). Again, she will not commit to anything I suggest. We have since been living together and sleeping in the same bed. There is no intimacy, sex or affection between us. We are essentially married roommates. I know a part of me is glad that we have not split but I also feel like we are spinning our wheels. How long should this go on for? What is a next move?


Looks like your actions have bled your marriage to death. 

You have no one to blame but yourself and you know that.

You have asked her how to fix and she is completely disinterested in changing the status quo. 

How long you want to live like that is up to you. I'd bet she is simply marking time until she is ready to leave you. How long you want to remain sleeping in the same bed with no intimacy next to someone who probably hates you? 

I think your next move is to apologize to your wife for being a lousy husband and file for divorce. If she then asks you to move tell her when divorce is final, that she has been ok to be roommates in the meantime so far. 

If she wants to fix it she will give you a road map on fixing it and you can stop the divorce. She refuses, well you have no one to blame but yourself.

She deserves better.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP...She's nuts.
Leave.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

StillSearching said:


> OP...She's nuts.


Disagree. 




StillSearching said:


> Leave.


Agree.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP...She's possibly suffering from a past event from her childhood or just plain being unreasonable.
Leave.
FIXT


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If you're both healthy, yet there's no intimacy/sex going on, and she's withholding and/or just plain not interested then the dance is over. 

For whatever reason. 

I don't have great confidence of the depth of the interaction with online women, if actually happened, or if W has convinced you her version of what she thinks happened should be the defining problem, or what.

But, see my first paragraph. It doesn't appear to matter why, just that from an objective view you two will very likely never reconcile. 

So time for you to decide how a split will look, and get it done.

Just decide based on what you see the next xx months looking like. 

Intolerable? 

And sex addict diagnoses? Really?

If you weren't "self labelled" maybe you just like sex. 

I can't tell who's description of the circumstances is real.

But based on what observations described it isn't going to matter who's right or wrong. 

It's just likely time to smile and call it quits.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"*six months of* no pornography or *other boundaries crossed*"


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> OP...She's nuts.
> Leave.


Seriously?

I hope you are just kidding. This poster is so close to the situation I'm involved with that I would believe it to be him if a couple details were different.

He ****ed up. Not her.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

OP, you may want to consider checking your phone bill too.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> You sound almost exactly like a friend of mine.
> 
> Your wife has been damaged emotionally for years and is done.
> 
> ...



Alot of insight here. This is what my husband has done to me with his drinking.

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

aine said:


> Alot of insight here. This is what my husband has done to me with his drinking.
> 
> :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


Really sorry to hear that aine.:frown2:


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Yeah, many women regard porn as a kind of cheating. You gave yourself to porn instead of your wife.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Can’t you read he actually cheated on her under the guise of having a sex addiction, pluzzzz🤯


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

The problem is, it is not long over for her it is just another cycle on the crazy train. If he has a sex addiction then it will start with the porn, then the websites hook ups then actual physical adultery. She knows him better and has probably been in the chaos train too long. She’s done and why wouldn’t she be


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