# What should I expect next in this process



## elmo (Jun 21, 2010)

2 months ago, my wife broke my heart by coming to me and telling me she filed for divorce. We have a 4 year old son by marriage and a 12 year old step-daughter that was my wife's. We have been married 6 years. She went through a complete hysterectomy 18 months ago and ever since has become emotionally distant from me. We have not had intercourse in 18 months due to her fear of sex from the surgery and she stated the doctor told her she had a sexual dysfunction as a result of the trauma of surgery and she has stated she had no libido. Since she left, I found that our finances, which she paid the bills; were all messed up and we are behind on everything. Since she left, she had nothing nice to say to me and treated me with utter anger and resentment. Before this surgery, we had a very loving marriage and throughout the relationship, we never argued that much. I don't want this divorce and love and cherish my family. Last week we had our temporary hearing. Prior to the hearing, her attorney and my attorney came to me and asked if I would give her the house back temporarely in exchange for more time with my son and pay certain bills. Of course I agreed to do this because I love her and do not want this divorce. Her attorney spoke to myself and my attorney in private before the hearing. He stated he felt she was uncertain about her decision to divorce stating that he had to move her in a private room because she was throwing up and nausious. He stated that she was open to marriage counselling and asked if I could get set up. Of course I said yes that I would get set up with our pastor so we could get referred to a professional. He also stated that they are setting there and she tells him..."I've had a hysterectomy, do you know what it's like to have someone cut out your insides, it makes you feel like less of a person. My husband has been so patient and understanding. The only problem is that he was smothering me the last couple months." Her attorney told her he was just her attorney and not a counselor, psychologist or doctor. He then asked me our financial position and me and my attorney explained what was going on. He said to me that I was more of a man than him and that he would have already kicked her to the curb. Her attorney stated to us that he felt it was more financial than anything and both attorneys agreed to set up appointment with a bankruptcy attorney for consultation. Last week we went to our pastor for insight and counseling. The pastor (mainly referring to my wife) asked if we were in a hurry to get this divorce over and my wife said "no, not in a hurry." He also asked if there was a chance of reconciliation and my wife referred stating "I honestly don't know....if my decision and thoughts don't change, then I plan to follow through with my decision." She didn't talk much during session, it was mostly me talking about my short-comings and faults and she pretty much agreed with everything but did not speak about her short comings. It is funny how I can look at her but yet she cannot make eye contact with me and she could not even make eye contact with our pastor. I honestly don't know what is going on with her. She once said it was nerves and that there was a storm going on inside her and that she couldn't take the tension anymore. She acts as if she is afraid of me or to be around me and I have never in 6 years yelled at her or physically abused her in anyway or my children. I can't seem to understand why she cannot make eye contact with me or be around me. When I pick up and drop off my son, she makes certain that her parents bring him to me. I do not think there is anyone else as there is no sign of evidence, she goes to work and comes home with children regularly like clockwork. However, now I am not living in the marital home. I have given it to her and moved in temporarely per the temp hearing with my parents. But she is not living in the marital home but staying with her parents due to taking care of her sister and working. We went to see a professional marriage counselor last week but we were seperated during the sessions, but when we were together, the counselor had her undevided attention and she wasn't looking around. However, she would not make eye contact with me. Can anyone make sense of this? Does anyone think there is a ray of hope that my wife and I may reconciliated? I love her dearly.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

No eye contact “in general” means insincerity, i.e. deception, or shame about something they’re doing or they’ve already done. Whichever it is it’s a negative sign for you. But it’s not possible to tell from just one body language sign, there needs 3 or 4 to be certain of an interpretation.

Reckon you’re like most of us men on here, too good, solid and accommodating for your own good. She wants a divorce and you move out of the home!

It's already "negotiating time" and you don't know that and you don't know how to negotiate.

Bob


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## Zulu (Apr 16, 2010)

Dump her. You are kidding yourself. She has found someone else. Take as much as you can get. Do not try and be nice and let her have her own way in the hope that she will come back to you. She won't unless you get tough and show her that you will not stand for this crap.

I cannot believe how far along I have come in 3 months. But it is 3 months I do not want over in my life again, EVER!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This type of behavior is not uncommon for women who have had a complete hysterectomy. I've seen some bizarre behavior in my line of work. It could very well be that her hormones are in a mess. Did the doctors put her on any hormones after the surgery? Has her thyroid been checked recently?

As for the finances.....Are they in turmoil because both of you are spending more than you take in? Have had unexpected bills? Or, she just didn't bother to pay the bills and used the money for something else?


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