# left 2 times and came back. 3rd and final goodbye?



## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

2.5 years ago I moved out of my house after ~14 years of marriage (due to boredom, lack of spark & trust). I Moved back in after 6 months to try to work things out "for the kids" (kids are now 13 and 15). I felt like I abandoned them. 

Moved out again 8 months ago but moved back in 3 months ago. This time my income is down a good bit so I was using savings to pay for my townhouse, while getting raped by the Domestic Relations system. We said we would try harder, etc... 

Now that I am back for ~3 months, my stomach is always in pain. I hate it. I don't want to effect the kids, but I cannot continue very easily. I try to mask the pain as much as i can but my mental state can't take it.....

What do I do? Do I move out for a 3rd and final time and just plan to spend my savings for the sake of potential future happiness? Do I stay in a miserable (to me anyway) marriage for the sake of the kids? We are both approximately 40 years old. 

I own a townhouse 1/2 mile from my house that will be vacant in October. 

How do I get her to understand and agree that our marriage sucks. Her parents have been married for 50 years while mine made it 15 and realized it sucked and divorced.... 

by staying in my marriage am i teaching my kids the wrong things? What is most important????


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

What is your wife saying about the marriage and the possibility of divorce? Does she say "I don't believe in divorce"? And does she believe ANY issues in a marriage can be resolved?

P.S. Have you guys tried counseling yet?


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## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

We have tried counselling but nothing ever really changes...we say we'll try.... then it just doesn't work.... we went to dinner and had almost nothing to say... we just sat there... it was horrible.... 

I have been saying off and on for 10 years that I want out... then it comes down to $ and the kids and I cave...... 

I am at the point that I feel like I HAVE to get out now for my own health......but my kids are only 4 and 6 years from graduating.... I am sure they will be fine but that is a big concern....

My home life is not Horrible.... it is just not what i want. 

Funny enough, she has not undone the Domestic Relations even after I have lived in the house for 2+ months now. I mentioned it about a month ago and she said "well i am not sure what you are doing".... so it almost seems like she is geared up for me moving out again and why have to go through the process again.... blaaaa



D8zed said:


> What is your wife saying about the marriage and the possibility of divorce? Does she say "I don't believe in divorce"? And does she believe ANY issues in a marriage can be resolved?
> 
> P.S. Have you guys tried counseling yet?


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Well, it all comes down to what do YOU want. As Dr. Glover says, no was put on this earth to meet your needs so it's up to YOU to get them met. Yeah, divorce is extremely hard and emotionally painful. Only YOU can decide if you're ready to take on the challenges.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i stil think your a very confused person. but going back and fore, only confuses the children more and also yourself and your very emotional within yourself through inner conflict. my personal opinion and im getin divorced, is i dont go back for the children. 

my children are 9 and 12, and adjusting in a step by step transition. its all about time and allowing them to remain confident ppl that i want them to grow into as they become teenagers and then adults. i stil want to be amicable with my ex to be for the children. thats how it is, i dont want my children to observe hate and resentment and arguing. 
your children know more than wht you even realise.


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## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

I appreciate the responses. 

I am pretty sure that I would have been out of this marriage 10 years ago if the kids were not involved. 

I completely agree that me moving in and out has to be confusing. After me moving back in the first time though, she is the one who continued with the extra curricular activities..... of course I panicked to move back in the 2nd time when I found out that i was going to have to live off of my savings. I should have thought through things in more depth..... we said we would take our time and make sure things were "right" before I moved back in but within a week she had her ring back on and I was spending my time there. we rushed back into it and now I don't think either of us is happy.

I have about 3.5 months until my townhouse will be vacant... it is through the woods but only 600 yards from "the house"....

Ideally - we both work with each other on making this the last break and we both enjoy life..... somehow it all turned bitter on her end both previous times and I caved like a dumbass...

someone gave me a book "approval addition" to read... i am addicted to trying to make everyone happy...although I am not able to do that, i try.... I feel like I need to live my life and hope the kids grow up semi normal and I don't have to eat raman noodles.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

"Addicted to make everyone happy"

You need to RUN to a bookstore and buy "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Don't let the title fool you. Your local library may have a copy. I'm serious - you REALLY REALLY need to read this. I know because I am the poster boy of making everyone happy.


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## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

I wanted to comment on the kids. 

My sons are semi ignored by my W. She is very content with them doing whatever they want (xbox for hours, getting up whenever they feel like it in the summer, drinking soda all day, etc..) and there is not much in the way of "bonding", which unfortunately is how she was brought up. When making my decisions to "go back" some of it is the fear of them growing up in this environment. They'll survive but they are not nearly as social as they should be. They rarely get invited to birthday parties, sleep overs, etc... They are becoming anti social....

I am not sure what is the right move for me. I really wish there was an easy solution, but there isn't. 

Meals in our house are pop tarts and hot pockets. it is very rare that a real meal is cooked. We no longer all 4 sit down and eat together... we are a very disfunctional family right now.... I try to get us to sit down and eat but then i find out my son ate lunch at 3:30 and "isn't hungry".. or some crap.... there is no structure...

I have been viewed as the big jerk once I moved back in due to me enforcing rules.



justean said:


> i stil think your a very confused person. but going back and fore, only confuses the children more and also yourself and your very emotional within yourself through inner conflict. my personal opinion and im getin divorced, is i dont go back for the children.
> 
> my children are 9 and 12, and adjusting in a step by step transition. its all about time and allowing them to remain confident ppl that i want them to grow into as they become teenagers and then adults. i stil want to be amicable with my ex to be for the children. thats how it is, i dont want my children to observe hate and resentment and arguing.
> your children know more than wht you even realise.


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## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

I ordered this book through Amazon yesterday. The local library didn't have it and our Barnes and Noble didn't either.

Hopefully it will help me with my actions! 

Of course in 2009 my W has been making GREAT $ (it was not very good in 2008), but since she is self employed I have no great way of proving it. My Domestic Relations amount should probably be knocked in half if I could prove her income somehow.  I could actually live without spending savings then. 





D8zed said:


> "Addicted to make everyone happy"
> 
> You need to RUN to a bookstore and buy "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Don't let the title fool you. Your local library may have a copy. I'm serious - you REALLY REALLY need to read this. I know because I am the poster boy of making everyone happy.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

HelpMe....

While you wait for the book to arrive, you may want to check out:

No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin

Glad you ordered the book. I believe you will find it eye-opening and life-saving.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Help Me, you are the male version of me.

By reading your posts it seems there are several things you need to make happen to feel like you are going forward.

1. Hold on till October and move into the Town house... it is close enough so you can still be close with your kids.
2. Make it a priority to spend quality time with them, have them over for cooked meals. Create this environment you seem to need. Your wife doesn't need to be a part of it.
3. Take the kids outside to play ball sports or out to a ovie... anything to get them away from the tv and games.
4. Up until October, force yourself to walk in the mornings b/4 working. 
5. You know where you stand. I too am fearful of the un known. That said, things can tuen around if you want them to but it sounds like, even with the councelling you guys aren't actually trying to work things out.

You need to really dig deep, understand your resentments and let them go and then see if you have it in your heart to work on repairing it. Then move on from there.

Be strong. I know what its like to be living withanxiety, head aches and feel like you're goping loopy because you're not istening to your gut feelings.... but if you have some kind of plan to stick to it makes life tolerable... also, seperating--once you get past the first month-- is really good for the pair of you.

S


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## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

well... I am shooting for for the October move (3 long months) and I will just play it by ear with my kids at that time. repeating myself, but I think this needs done for my sanity for sure. I am not sure what my wife thinks. I am almost certain that she is "content" with the situation.

I ordered the book "no more mr. nice guy" so I will give that a read here at work and hopefully get something out of it.

I have been trying to get the kids to do other stuff... my older son has no problems but the younger one refuses to do anything. He is playing football which starts July 25 so hopefully that will get him out and away from the tv....

thanks for the replies again.... I am just hoping my kids respect my decision and we will have normal visitation...


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