# Free-range parents of TAM?



## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

So, I guess free-range parenting is becoming stylish (go to freerangekids.com if you don't know what this is). I've become enamored with that blog once I realized it has always been my parenting philosophy: let them try things and make mistakes, because the routine risks of life are much smaller than the risks of never taking a chance and learning from it.

I've said a lot of terrible things about my parents around here, but one thing I'm very thankful for is that they encouraged my brother and me to hop on our bikes and go explore our town. It wasn't like this for all the kids my age that I knew. I was born in the late 70's, so I was part of the very, very first generation of American kids raised with John Walsh telling their parents that your kids will be killed and eaten by some crack-addicted communist the moment you turn your back. Many parents fell for that stuff, and by the nineties it was completely out of control (and still is IMO).

So my daughter (11) gets turned loose in the afternoons and gets to run around our little town all she wants. I should point out that this is normal here...anyone who called the cops on an unaccompanied minor would be ridiculed. In the larger town where I work, the culture is different. I recently heard a coworker groaning about what she'll do with her 12 year old daughter this summer, since "she's too old for day camps and too young to stay home alone." 12 is too young to stay home alone? Seriously?

Are there any other TAM parents who let your kids run loose? If so, this is a shout-out. And if you're more protective, I'm not dissing you, just trying to see if I'm alone in this.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Well if it works and she's safe, ok.
But I should say its clearly not the same in every town. I good friend of mine let her son, who was about 8 or 9 at the time roam around her neighborhood. Social services was called in by a neighbor who asserted that the child was being neglected because he was on the sidewalk, alone, at 6 pm. Now I think that was a bit severe, but it definitely shows that different communities tolerate different behaviors.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I read way too much on my other favorite forum, websleuths.com to be this kind of parent. 

I do let my 12 year old stay home alone, but not for super long periods. After school if necessary, yes. Usually his 14 year old sister is also though, but I'm fine with him staying alone.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

This highly depends on the neighborhood and the child themselves, if they are mature enough to handle things and know what to do. 

My parents let us roam around freely in the 90s, but it all came to a screeching halt when I was followed by some man in a truck and almost kid napped. I ran and hid from the guy in a tall grassy area, as I watched him slow down looking for me in bushes and then he drove off. A neighbor called 911. I didn't grow up in a horrible neighborhood, but the reality of life is that bad things can happen anywhere. My son is only going to be 2 this summer, so it's a while off before I'd let him be independent, but I'll have to wait and see how things go. 

It's nice to be a more relaxed parent, but being too relaxed is a bad thing, too. There has to be a happy medium. 

A friend's husband is too relaxed of a parent and they almost lost their 3 year old son just this last week because of that. He was playing with the older kids in the pool and their youngest was face down in the spa, when my friend found him! He could have easily drown.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm more of the free range parent type. It's not popular where I live. 

My son had a lot of freedom to roam as a boy. My daughter I limit a bit as she is not physically able to defend herself the way my son can. 

I don't check parent connect every week or even every month. I rely in my kids to keep me posted on their progress in school. 

I don't talk to their teachers over every small incident or their grades. They talk to their teachers themselves. 

I'm not a parent handing out consequences for their mistakes but they know they have to hold themselves accountable.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

How many of us grew up that way? I know I did. Unfortunately, the world is a different place now.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

toonaive said:


> How many of us grew up that way? I know I did. Unfortunately, the world is a different place now.


The world is a bit different. Growing up 35 years ago the same things happened in every neighborhood. The only difference is we are privy to seeing it as the internet made the world much smaller. Criminal Minds and CSI are much more gory than say...Columbo. Makes the mind wonder and wander just what the hell kind of society we live in.

My two girls, fortunately, always did things together so it was never going it alone. Plus, we also advised them to be aware of their surroundings. Never to help that stranger to "find" his lost dog. 

But, there is always a bit of worry. At least for me.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

As other people noted it depends on the neighborhood. I was a free range kid in the 60s in a small suburban town. Almost every family in the neighborhood had a stay at home mom who kept an eye on things. One shriek from an injured child (skinned knee, number one injury) would bring several moms to their front yards to see what was going on. My peers and I traveled in an inseparable pack of five. 

It was a safe environment.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

My kids are "latch key" (appropriate to age range and maturity levels of course, not latch key like I was).

My 14 and 13 year olds may roam our tiny 6000 person community (yeah we are small town here). 

My other three have boundaries outside they must stay within.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I was free range also. Through the mid 70's I left the house after breakfast on weekends and would show up again for dinner. In between we (the local kids) would be running around out in the woods, riding our bikes 10 miles to the beach, 8 miles to the international airport, 6 miles to rock pit lakes. I was probably 8-13 during this time. At the same time I had a key to our house, rode 2 miles to school and back everyday and was home alone until my mother got home between 4 and 5.

Now I live in an area where all the lots are at least and acre and I know most of my neighbors. I let my two girls(9 and 5) walk within three houses away when I'm out in the yard and can keep an eye on them. They still were told by a neighbor recently that they should "go home" when they moved a turtle from one side of the street to another.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

Went to elementary school in the late 60's - early seventies and was certainly a free-range kid. Main rule was to go home when the street lights came on. 

When I was about 11 years old, my then assistant football coach and a bunch of his friends (I guess they were around 22-24 years old) were either high on weed or drunk - they decided it would be fun to kidnap a friend on mine and me - we were riding our bikes by our elementary school and these guys were driving a van - they stopped, ran towards us - grabbed us up and within 5 seconds we were in the back of this van going for a wild joy ride - it completely scared the crap out of me - these guys were driving crazy!! They finally dropped my buddy and I back at our bikes. Funny thing is - we never told out parents - and I have no ides why? But, I did run into this old coach about 8 years ago ( I was 44 years old) at one of my cousin's weddings and this old coach was now the mayor of the town!! So I go up to him and ask him if he remembers kidnapping me back when I was a little kid - he turned three shades of White - and just kind of shook his and and laughed and got away from me as fast as he could - never would admit it!! I guess he figured information like this just might not look so good for his political career??


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

I am a bit younger than most of you who have posted here (born in '84), but I, too, was a free range kid and my kids are being raised in a similar fashion (but with certain provisions). 

I live in a small town with the last homicide reported being years ago. I do not believe that my children are at zero risk of danger, but I prefer not to have my children live their childhoods with that paranoia always at the forefront of my mind. I take control where I can- very strict car-seat/booster seat usage, helmets on their bikes and skateboards, always ask my permission before going into a neighbor's house or backyard, etc- but my 5 & 9 year old are allowed to play on our cul-de-sac without my constant supervision. 

My 5 year old isn't allowed out alone without her older brother, though, simply because I know her impulse control isn't as great as his. She's a very cautious kid, but she's also only five. I live a mile away from the nearest busy street and the only cars that drive down my small cul-de-sac are those that live here (or visiting family members). 

They both go out to play in the afternoons, after their homework is completed, and I call them in at dinner time. They are always down in the circle of the cul-de-sac with a group of 4-5 other kids playing basketball or riding their bikes. I can peer through my ceiling to floor dining room windows and see the end of the street, which I do every once in a while.


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

toonaive said:


> How many of us grew up that way? I know I did. Unfortunately, the world is a different place now.


Yes, it's safer now. Look at crime statistics (the site I linked to above has various links to data). Violent crime has been declining for quite some time (against both kids and adults) and property crime overall is also declining, with some spikes in some parts of the US. We HEAR more about these incidents now, since a missing kid goes viral much faster than a homebound kid developing type 2 diabetes.

Not trying to diminish your opinion...my conscience just wouldn't let that one slide.


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

Primrose said:


> My 5 year old isn't allowed out alone without her older brother, though, simply because I know her impulse control isn't as great as his. She's a very cautious kid, but she's also only five.


Exactly...nobody knows your kid better than you do, and that is part of the challenge here: knowing when your kids are ready and setting boundaries that are appropriate to their abilities and comfort zones. Just keeping your kids inside until they're 16 is the easy way, IMO.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I was a free range kid of sorts. We were a military family so we moved around a lot, but on the military bases we lived in my parents let us play outside without supervision. In between assignments or while waiting for housing, we always stayed in San Juan Puerto Rico with my grandparents. When in PR, my parents were much more cautious with us & gave us strict boundaries to play within but my parents weren't outside with us either at every step.

Fast forward to now....my daughter is 4 years old so there is no way I would let her play outside without some sort of supervision. As she gets older I will make an assessment at that time.

I don't want to be one of those helicopter parents, but I also want to keep my child safe. It's one of those things that you have to figure out the right balance. Parenting sure isn't easy!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Funny that what used to be normal, now has to have separate name. 

It is too sad that now you can get arrested for letting your kids go to playground by themselves, while you are allowed to let them play with guns. it's just too ironic for me.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Where I grew up it was quite normal to get your drivers license at 16. 

It's not the norm where I live now for kids to drive at 16. Their parents say "kids are different now". That always gets an amused smile from me, are the kids different or are the parents?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Definitely a free range kid in the 60's and 70's. I rode my bike exploring until I got lost and scared, then I'd find my way back. (Did that in small airplanes a couple of times, too, as a young adult..) My parents had a general idea who I might be running around with, and which places to come looking for me. But we'd often be off in the woods or out exploring the town.

We'd camp in the back yard with a few friends in the summer, and go exploring town in the dark. As pre-teens.

I walked to school starting in kindergarten, and transported myself by bicycle starting in 3rd grade. No school buses, no parent walking me to/from school except the first day or two as a kindergartener.

It was normal. All my friends were the same.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

coffee4me said:


> Where I grew up it was quite normal to get your drivers license at 16.
> 
> It's not the norm where I live now for kids to drive at 16. Their parents say "kids are different now". That always gets an amused smile from me, are the kids different or are the parents?


Yeah, they're different: They're more responsible. They use drugs less, have sex later, use protection more often, commit crimes less...


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'm most annoyed by the treatment of older teens, and continuing to helicopter parent into adulthood.

I was raised fairly free range. When I was in elementary school, my parents signed me up for an after school since program at a museum. I would catch a transit bus after school, ride to a suburban transit center, then to a transit center downtown in a largish city and finally to the museum. After the class I'd ride the bus to my dad's office and catch a ride home.

Once I was in Jr High, I was a latchkey kid. I was expected to be home before my parents. With a few hours to kill, a bike and good bike lanes, I had a 10 mile radius to play in. I never did anything bad.

When I got to college, I saw the kids of helicopter parents go wild. Too much alcohol, drugs and sex because they went from never getting to make a mistake to making them all at once. Those that made some mistakes but had a safety net didn't go wild.

Now it's even worse, where much of the helicopter parent behavior is accepted. Once my daughter had a driver's license, we had to trust her - or at least _chose_ to trust her. She was in on a high school equestrian team and had 4 day long meets. We parked our RV for her to stay in. Even though she was 17 y/o, we couldn't leave her alone nor let her drive off on her own. My wife or I would have to stay every night, and go with her if she needed anything.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I was mostly free range - mom went back to school when I was 8 and for a while we stayed with a distant neighbor and after a year or two let us stay at home. Sister is handicapped so really only provided "I'll tell you on" supervision. Lived in the boonies and walked over a mile to visit the nearest kids. I often played in the woods by a river for half a day summer/weekends without coming back to check in. I didn't have to worry about strangers - I was taught to carry a BB gun, what to do in case of snake bite, how to swim in case I fell into the river, even if it was almost freezing... 

Because of that I was more of a free range parent with the difference I live in a city/suburbia now. My ex grew up in a small town in a neighborhood where he also roamed but for some reason wanted our child to have every minute accounted for with structured activity. I valued free time. We did have DSS called on us for letting her play unsupervised at age 4. She knew she could play with kids in certain houses (2 doors down and up) and go no further.

After the divorce I was afraid to let her go anywhere because I was afraid HE would call DSS but I rented a house on a short dead-end road and let her ride her bike by herself on the sidewalk to the end and back and would generally keep my eye out and go check on her every 15 minutes or so.

Bought a house in a middle class neighborhood and let her stay alone at age 12, which is what is "recommended" by the courts - not before then. You won't necessarily be found negligent at a younger age depending on how long they are left alone. That's when I left her all day during the summer.

I would wake her before I left for work, give her chores to do. She liked having the house to herself - felt very grown up and independent but she won't leave the door open and lock the storm door (I like to let the light in; she's nervous about it when alone). I do have a monitored security system equipped with a panic button. 

I find that she is VERY independent compared to the other kids I know. There are several single mothers where I work who have girls within 2 years of my daughter who is 16; one who is married with daughter the same age, one just separated with daughter one year older.

Married/cautious: daughter is afraid to be alone AT ALL. Still goes to grandma's after school at age 16. Mother instills fear of rape.
Separated/middle of the road: daughter is reasonably independent
Single/cautious (both): daughters are afraid to be alone for any longer than after school. Still do summer camps, etc. to fill time during the day. One of the girls is always with her mother to the point the mother gets annoyed that she has a constant 'shadow' and her daughter will NOT try new activities. Has hindered her relationships as she cannot get a moment alone with newly moved in boyfriend because daughter insists on being in the same room ALWAYS. 

My daughter, on the other hand is FIERCELY independent. Will try activities, go places, confident and comfortable being in control.

I realize there was a risk letting her ride her bike out of my site .2 mile when she was four. I did not know all of my neighbors but I felt the risk was low and me having some breathing room let me be a better mother when she WAS with me and gave her some confidence and time to clear her head as she was also dealing with some crap from the divorce.

I have a nephew the same age and as toddlers, mine would climb up in a chair and I would say nothing. Nephew would climb up in a chair and my SIL would immediately go get him reprimanding him saying he would fall and get hurt. Even then I felt that was a bit too much 'helicopter' for me. I figured a bump from falling off an upholstered wingback chair onto a carpeted floor was a pretty safe way to learn a lesson. Her son is curious enough (montessori schooling) but reserved, risk-adverse, shy, not physically active. My daughter is curious tho not self directed like he is, but seems to be much more confident and outgoing.

Some of this is certainly basic personality but in the end I do believe in free-roaming kids. I do think it takes a village but not to tell the police. Instead neighbors who see a kid doing something wrong (bullying, smoking, etc.) should tell that kid to knock it off or they'll tell the kids' parents. Unfortunately more often than not, I see that the parents don't care - their reaction is to tell the neighbor to butt out. Too much 'my kid can do no wrong' attitudes. So now adults don't want to interfere and instead call the authorities.

I would prefer a community that looks out for each other vs. telling on each other. My parents remember the days when they didn't dare do something because they knew their parents would find out from the other adults in town who were looking out.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Free range is how I was raised and worse... No more details necessary. 

As for these days, it depends on various factors. My oldest son, 15 with ASD, no way. He needs structure and supervision. My youngest boy, 13, pretty much free range however he plays in a lot of organized leagues so he has very little time for free range play. Most of the leagues he plays in, old school. 

One place I put less free range, online activity. I don't need my sons giving out too much personal info online and they just don't have that concept yet on personal cyber security. Thus neither of them are allowed to have a FB page yet.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I'm a hybrid between free range and helicopter parent. I believe that kids need to be taught correct behavior and safety. But I also believe that they need to exercise that knowledge on their own when they are ready. Each one of our kids has matured at different rates and we give them priveledges based on their maturity. Our kids were ready to be home alone at 12 and we felt confident at letting our 14 & 16 year old stay home alone for a week while we were out of the country last year.




EnjoliWoman said:


> I have a nephew the same age and as toddlers, mine would climb up in a chair and I would say nothing. Nephew would climb up in a chair and my SIL would immediately go get him reprimanding him saying he would fall and get hurt. Even then I felt that was a bit too much 'helicopter' for me. I figured a bump from falling off an upholstered wingback chair onto a carpeted floor was a pretty safe way to learn a lesson. Her son is curious enough (montessori schooling) but reserved, risk-adverse, shy, not physically active. My daughter is curious tho not self directed like he is, but seems to be much more confident and outgoing.


It is necessary to let kids explore on their own and sometimes they will get hurt. Exploring and learning what is safe and not safe is what build confidence in youth. The trick is to educate them on what is and isn't safe and then let them on their own discover what they've been taught is correct. 

I see the behavior of your SIL in many parents. A couple of years ago I was a Scoutmaster and would have parents try to interfere with activities to ensure the youth didn't fail or get hurt. Usually you had to set the parent straight on Scouting is an area where you are given a chance to fail in an environment that is controlled. 

Too many parents are putting too much stake in giving their child a leg up for success. In actuality what they are doing is teaching their kids indirectly that they are not responsible and that others are. In addition because they do so much for a kid the kid is not really learning how to do it for themselves. It's a mix of misguided love and often laziness to have others responsible.



EnjoliWoman said:


> Some of this is certainly basic personality but in the end I do believe in free-roaming kids. I do think it takes a village but not to tell the police. Instead neighbors who see a kid doing something wrong (bullying, smoking, etc.) should tell that kid to knock it off or they'll tell the kids' parents. Unfortunately more often than not, I see that the parents don't care - their reaction is to tell the neighbor to butt out. Too much 'my kid can do no wrong' attitudes. So now adults don't want to interfere and instead call the authorities.
> 
> I would prefer a community that looks out for each other vs. telling on each other. My parents remember the days when they didn't dare do something because they knew their parents would find out from the other adults in town who were looking out.


For some reason today parents don't want any stranger to tell their kid how to behave. Both my wife and I will step in and correct unsafe behavior that could result in serious injury and we sometimes get flack from parents for our interfering. Only in really small towns can you get this looking out for each other.


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Married/cautious: daughter is afraid to be alone AT ALL. Still goes to grandma's after school at age 16. Mother instills fear of rape.


I know this post is a few days old...but this really grinds my gears. This is child abuse, plain and simple. My wife actually WAS raped as a teenager, and she never developed a fear of being alone, or of strangers, or of shadowy friends of the family (which is what the offender was). She also doesn't tell our daughter to stay away from same....only to trust her instincts and not be afraid to get out of a bad situation. I'm not saying it didn't affect her, because it did. But she has carried on with her life in a functional manner. If fear of a hypothetical event becomes as debilitating as the event itself, then a major line has been crossed. 

Sadly, CPS doesn't see it that way...they'll go after people letting their 7 year old pick up a knife and accidentally cut themselves, but not people who paralyze their kids with fear.

I agree also with meson...it's much easier in small towns (as I mentioned in my OP). In my town nobody would think to call the cops on an unaccompanied minor at the store. And the cops wouldn't respond, as we're 20 miles from the nearest sheriff substation so something REAL needs to be happening to get the police out here (very rural area).


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

This is an interesting topic my wife and I have discussed. It seems almost more acceptable to let a child go free-range and roam the town on a bike than it is to let a child stay home by themselves for a few hours.

Like they're more in danger in their own home than they are roaming the streets.

Just seems odd to me.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

My kids are free range in direct proportion to how well they are prepared and mature they are to handle it. When they were small, we talked about problems that small people would face. What would you do if someone pulled up and offered you a ride? What does that person want? Probably just being nice. BUT we read the Bernstein Bears One Bad Apple book to help make the association that a barrel made up of good apples renders the bad apple indistinguishable.

My daughter recently enjoyed keeping her free range privileges by wisely choosing to picnic with her friend NOT near the river (winter melt) over her friend's objection. Nope, not safe. Not ok. Either we die, or I lose my freedom. Either way, not worth it. Smart kid!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Here is a decent article that explains some of the decent into fear:

Seven Reasons We Hate Free-Range Parenting - Bloomberg View


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would say I was free range too.. we lived in the country.. .. I had a room, and a place to eat.. so long as I didn't get into trouble , I would not be grounded.. 

Myself & best friend would ride our bikes all over the country roads, kids hanging out in the strip Mine swimming... I was always a very cautious teen though.. even then if I felt anything suspicious.. I would be on guard, I can't say I ever had a close call or frightening experience growing up..with a stranger.. 

Our kids .. country living again.. mostly sons.. I am much less worried about sons over our daughter.. I prefer kids DO THINGS IN GROUPS ...this gives me comfort.. we are pretty lenient -depending on their maturity levels. our kids are not the risk taking type (too much like Mom & Dad)... they are more the type to outright say..."You're being an A -hole" if a friend suggested doing something dangerous.. or putting themselves in a dangerous situation. 

We've left the 12 yr old in charge of 2 smaller kids before -small periods at a time.. Felt he was responsible enough. I don't know.. each day brings a judgement call...with what kids want to do.. I used to worry about our oldest running to town on the back country roads.. fearing some racing car may plow into him & kill him or a dog chase him -so I got him mace. 

I can be a worrier but I have to balance it.. for instance.. once I allowed the neighbor lady to take our daughter shopping with them. but the roads were seriously ICY...and the whole time I was worrying "I hope she doesn't wreck".. (she did have a bad accident before driving)... it didn't happen but .. I was thinking "Why did I do that!? -..... in my world, you just don't go shopping when the roads are bad... you go another day!! It's not an emergency..... 

I try to foresee what COULD realistically happen.. and assess from there.. but try to not be paranoid..

We talk to our kids about sex offenders, shady people , stalkers, drugs, drinking, we will call them over so they can see bad news reports, what CAN happen.. and we'll talk about it...no shielding to the evils in this world ....so they too will be cautious with strangers...just life situations... knowing how to handle.. when to say No.. when it make a good judgement call & Stand by it..


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Fozzy said:


> This is an interesting topic my wife and I have discussed. It seems almost more acceptable to let a child go free-range and roam the town on a bike than it is to let a child stay home by themselves for a few hours.
> 
> Like they're more in danger in their own home than they are roaming the streets.
> 
> Just seems odd to me.


It is ironic but maybe it's just that the threats at home are of a different nature. Home is where the internet porn is, home is where your liquor cabinet is, home is where your guns are, home is where dad's pain killers are, home is where there is privacy try out the stuff in the porn....etc.


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