# Getting over resentment



## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

It seemed to me that many would feel that I was derailing my wife's thread.

She made one because I am super-resentful and she wants me to be more open. I joined in because I wanted to extinguish quick judgments and give a face to who was resentful and WHY. I was waiting for someone that would say I was being "controlling" by posting in there, and it happened, though I was only trying to offer why I felt resentful and trying to learn how to overcome it. It happened so I am leaving it. It was here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/37262-i-need-your-help-please.html

So...

THIS thread is my question to many of our men and women here who had been ignored by their spouses for LARGE periods of time. 

Question: How do you, when years of being ignored had taught you to focus only on the parts of life you CAN control (your own life), start focusing again on somebody else's life?

How do overcome that feeling that arises out of knowing that the other person's sudden interest in you has resulted from your loss of interest in them? The thought makes me angry, and this resentment makes it hard to reconnect. 

Anybody here ever gotten TRULY over resentment when your partner stopped showing you love for a while?

I've read threads on here discussing this and it is one of the most open and ambiguous topics, i.e. The topic of Infidelity is much more single-pronged to solve, divorce, etc.

This seems much harder for me to come up with a plan.

I wrestle with this daily.

Please help.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I will state up front that I struggle just like you in this department. In the end though, resentment is a choice. It is a conscience thing we chose to wallow in. 

You mention being ignored, in what way? What I mean is can you see her side that she was a new mother and maybe didn't even realize she was doing this? Being a new mom is really really tough and that's even if you don't have PPD. Add that in and boy oh boy is it a struggle. When I was a new mom, I never once thought my child was more important, it literally didn't even come across my radar that I was ignoring him because I thought as a grown man he can take care of himself. In fact I got resentful when it was obvious he could not. I felt like I had two infants. 
I am not suggesting in any way that that was your situation. I am however trying to give you some perspective as to what new moms go through....or at least what I went through. So could any of this be the case for you?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Interlocutor said:


> I
> Anybody here ever gotten TRULY over resentment when your partner stopped showing you love for a while?
> 
> This seems much harder for me to come up with a plan.
> ...


When all else fails you might try going to church


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I will state up front that I struggle just like you in this department. In the end though, resentment is a choice. It is a conscience thing we chose to wallow in.


Yes, but it falls under one of those conscience choices akin to duty. Throw a stone at a stray dog, and it will not eat from your hand.

It's a choice that seems so counter intuitive, like choosing to inject yourself even if it's for a cure. 

My struggle is to learn how to make that choice NATURALLY, so that I can hug my wife naturally and not feel like I am forcing myself. 



Therealbrighteyes said:


> You mention being ignored, in what way? What I mean is can you see her side that she was a new mother and maybe didn't even realize she was doing this? Being a new mom is really really tough and that's even if you don't have PPD. Add that in and boy oh boy is it a struggle. When I was a new mom, I never once thought my child was more important, it literally didn't even come across my radar that I was ignoring him because I thought as a grown man he can take care of himself. In fact I got resentful when it was obvious he could not. I felt like I had two infants.
> I am not suggesting in any way that that was your situation. I am however trying to give you some perspective as to what new moms go through....or at least what I went through. So could any of this be the case for you?


I was ignored in that we didn't do anything together unless I joined in on something she was doing. I was ignored in that sex didn't happen unless I had pointed out that I had been rejected many times so that I got pity sex. I was ignored in that I was interested in her things but she was not interested in mine. It had nothing to do with the baby taking all the attention, he was ignored too! The new thing became Facebook and iphone! 

So, though I am a slow learner, I eventually stopped being interested in her things. I stopped trying to initiate romance. I stopped trying to do things that pleased her. I never expected to be taken care of. I have NEVER depended on anyone to take care of things for me like an infant. All I wanted WAS for my wife to spend more time with my son OR me, either of us! That would have been much better than on the internet or watching TV. She didn't completely ignore my son, but while I was spending time playing with my son, doing chores, and trying to spend time with her, shw only spent some time with him, ignored chores, and ignored me. She even ignored herself by becoming obsessed with Facebook and her iphone. It was not only me! So it appeared she was depressed. I tried to reach out to her. She was stone. She never wanted to talk about how she felt, EVER. My son and I were the ones being left out while she denied depression. Cue in therapy. We went to therapy and she told the therapists she resented me because of how I handled my son and her family (please refer to my posts on her thread there!). It was an impasse because I was not going to budge. I still won't on that. Plus, she was only depressed around me. Around her sister and friends she always acted fine. I was the problem. I finally got the hint after four years and gave up trying to make amends with her. 

I started spending more time on myself. I started spending more time with my son. I did my share around the house, but I stopped caring if he did hers. I only did mine and what didn't get done didn't get done. I slowly became happy again! But this now introduces a new problem!!!

In becoming happy though, I have become reluctant to go back.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> When all else fails you might try going to church


I have nothing against religious people, but I personally carry with me the opinion that I am happier as an agnostic. 

One of the changes in my life that got me back on the path to rebuilding my self-esteem was letting go of religious notions and picking up rational ones. 

Nothing against religious people. In fact, I used to teach at a parochial school, I still run a sports program there, and I still teach a kids Judo program there. Plus my son is enrolled in a parochial and I have many ties and relationships with the parish community where I live.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

My biggest take away from what you just posted is resentment.....hers. She perceived that you were invalidating her feelings about family and in turn got her needs met elsewhere via FB and her phone. You then pushed back wanting her to get involved with your hobbies/needs/wants and she pulled further and further back as punishment. You wanted to work on things back then (like I did) and she didn't (my husband) and now she wants to work on things now (my husband) when you not so much (me). BOTH of you have deep seeded resentment regardless of who is right or wrong. 
I am hoping someone with a hell of a lot more insight will come through here. As I said, I struggle daily but I wanted you to know you are heard and yes your feelings are just as valid!


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> My biggest take away from what you just posted is resentment.....hers. She perceived that you were invalidating her feelings about family and in turn got her needs met elsewhere via FB and her phone. You then pushed back wanting her to get involved with your hobbies/needs/wants and she pulled further and further back as punishment. You wanted to work on things back then (like I did) and she didn't (my husband) and now she wants to work on things now (my husband) when you not so much (me). BOTH of you have deep seeded resentment regardless of who is right or wrong.
> I am hoping someone with a hell of a lot more insight will come through here. As I said, I struggle daily but I wanted you to know you are heard and yes your feelings are just as valid!


That is exactly the formula and exactly what I was trying to say with the specifics. 

This is an excellent summary of the events spoken generally.

It does not matter to me who started anymore. I just want to learn how to NOT CRINGE when my wife attempts to display affection. 

She thinks that I don't but I'm tired of telling her that I do!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Interlocutor said:


> I have nothing against religious people, but I personally carry with me the opinion that I am happier as an agnostic.
> 
> One of the changes in my life that got me back on the path to rebuilding my self-esteem was letting go of religious notions and picking up rational ones.
> 
> Nothing against religious people. In fact, I used to teach at a parochial school, I still run a sports program there, and I still teach a kids Judo program there. Plus my son is enrolled in a parochial and I have many ties and relationships with the parish community where I live.


No problem. You might consider reaching out to friends in the faith community regarding the topic of resentment since the church has quite a bit to say about it


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

About resentment specifically? Are there any articles that I can access without having to go to a church for this? I can promise you, with the churches I have locally, the priests will immediately recommend that I simply need to start attending mass and then they'll help me. Maybe it would be different if I knew a priest under the relationship of a friend, but that is not the case despite the fact I know many of them and deal with many of them through my job.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

WOW. Well here we have it. What really needs to happen is for someone to knock both your heads together hard.
This child of yours is now older so his 'visitation' problems I suppose dont still exist. Bringing up the past and deciding who was right is not going to help anyone. If I say you were right and your wife apologizes will that help matters. Is that what you want.
You have said many things about her. I suppose you believe them all be true. Now what. She agrees to change or they never existed in the first place. Can you accept that from her or not.
Do you think she really wants to change. Or is it just an act on her part. Or that tomorrow she will be back in her old ways.
You have still your whole life in front of you. You have both come here to improve it. Something has to give.
Instead of harking on about the past tell us your problems on the present. And agree to abide by the decisions of the posters here.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

That is an easier read for an explanation.

OP, take a minute before you answer this:
How would you feel if your wife died, suddenly, in the next 2 minutes? What would your last thoughts of her be?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> In becoming happy though, I have become reluctant to go back.


Bingo!
Don't go back. Look forward. Build a NEW future.

The saying about the rear view mirror in your car... it's small and you look backwards for a few minutes. The big bright winsheild in front of you --- for when you look forward. 

That's how life is supposed to be. You might glance to the past once in awhile, see where you are relative to that, but your attention should be in front of you -- towards the future!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> My struggle is to learn how to make that choice NATURALLY, so that I can hug my wife naturally and not feel like I am forcing myself.


You ever notice that when you first start learning how to do something it does not really come 'natural' to you? It takes practice - it takes effort.

After enough effort and practice and time it can become quite 'natural'. After all, you didn't just get to this place in your marriage overnight, you took your time and some amount of effort of thinking and rethinking, hashing and rehashing all of the issues to get to this point. It takes time to unravel it too.

I recommended in your wife's post that you two seek marital counseling as I think a non-partial third-party who could help you mediate these discussions would go a long way to helping your struggles.

Best wishes.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

accept said:


> Instead of harking on about the past tell us your problems on the present. And agree to abide by the decisions of the posters here.


I think this is a tad off base. Our past IS what molds us today. Letting go of years of pain/hurt/rejection is like telling an abuse victim to "get over it". They're actually the same. It's emotional abuse and NOBODY ever gets over that, they just learn coping mechanisms and ways of viewing things in a more positive light.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

accept said:


> WOW. Well here we have it. What really needs to happen is for someone to knock both your heads together hard.
> This child of yours is now older so his 'visitation' problems I suppose dont still exist. Bringing up the past and deciding who was right is not going to help anyone. If I say you were right and your wife apologizes will that help matters. Is that what you want.


She has long since apologized and I have long since accepted. No, that is not what I want. What I want is:



Interlocutor said:


> I just want to learn how to NOT CRINGE when my wife attempts to display affection.


Please read through all of my posts if you haven't.





accept said:


> You have said many things about her. I suppose you believe them all be true. Now what. She agrees to change or they never existed in the first place. Can you accept that from her or not.


Yes, I have accepted that all of her recent changes are beneficial. 

What I don't accept so eagerly is her frustration that I don't IMMEDIATELY feel everything I felt for her anew at a whim.



accept said:


> Do you think she really wants to change. Or is it just an act on her part. Or that tomorrow she will be back in her old ways.
> You have still your whole life in front of you. You have both come here to improve it. Something has to give.
> Instead of harking on about the past tell us your problems on the present. And agree to abide by the decisions of the posters here.


Part of me believes she really wants to. Another, more fearful and distrusting part of me speculates she is just trying to get me back into the relationship so that she can return to complacency while I continue to do things for her. I feel like I might be giving up a happiness that took me a while to learn, and I'll be honest I feel anxious.

On the present, what I am dealing now is with a slowly overcoming of my resentment (I know I am making progress) and her frustration I still have some. Her frustration gets me angry, and I wish I knew a way for her to understand that I cannot either fake a feeling or feel something I am not feeling naturally. She thinks I should be able to. I don't see how without a strenuous effort on my part.

Concerning your last sentence, I won't even waste my time addressing that. I'll pretend you didn't post it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think what it boils down to is whether the two of you TRULY want to be married to one another.

2 years ago my husband and I were in an awful place. I didn't know it, but he was in the midst of cheating on me. Our relationship was horrible. We cohabitated, we had sex once in a while, we even had a bit of fun once in a while, but usually we hated the sight of one another and preferred to be alone or with others. I didn't care when he said he was working late or going somewhere or when he stayed on his computer till late at night, and he didn't care that I was rude to him and ignored him almost all the time, and slept with my back to him. 

This had been building for years. He had grown to resent many things about me, because he had given things up for me that I didn't appreciate. All this came out later in MC, but resentment was a major factor in what he ended up doing, and in the way he was treating me at the time. He finally decided that since things with me were so bad, he'd go elsewhere. He was seeking to become intimate with someone again, and had given up on me. Neither of us listened to what the other was really saying about things.

When I caught him cheating and decided to go to MC with him, many things came out about his resentment. It took him a long time to learn to let go of it. I still see it surface once in a while, but we have the tools now to get past it. An example - a little over a year ago, he lost his cell phone at a football game. His instant reaction was to turn on me and blame ME for it, stating I had 'forced' him to get it. When in fact, he had gotten it in secret to communicate with his women, after me bugging him to get one for years. We had a huge fight which came up in MC. The counselor made him admit that he resented me, and then got him to admit it didn't make any sense for him to resent me for his own actions. Yes, I had bugged him to get a phone for years, but now that he finally had one, it was HIS choice. Not mine, HIS. He could keep it or get rid of it. He should do what HE wanted, not what he thought I wanted him to do.

That was huge for him - he is a 'pleaser' and had been doing things for years that I wanted but he didn't, and then just letting the resentment build up and up and up and not saying anything. He had to realize that it was HIS decision to do these things, and that he was letting me force him into making decisions that he really didn't want to, and that it was unfair of him to then resent me for it, when it had been his choice.

Now he's much better at voicing his own opinions about things and not being the pleaser. He still does tend to try to placate me more often than he should sometimes, but if I point it out to him he realizes it, and often realizes it himself now too. It's a vicious cycle to get into.

Anyway, that was a lot longer than I intended it to be! Just my experience. And I am NOT saying cheating is something that you will end up doing - just that that's where the build up of resentment led my husband. So you do need to let it go. We were able to because we realized that we DO want to be married to each other, and the marriage was doomed to failure if we kept on the way were were going.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

deejov said:


> That is an easier read for an explanation.
> 
> OP, take a minute before you answer this:
> How would you feel if your wife died, suddenly, in the next 2 minutes? What would your last thoughts of her be?


Anger, Sadness...

I'd wonder what I'd tell my son about how we got along toward the end. I'd be angry at myself for feeling resentment toward the end. I'd feel angry, again, at her ghost for wasting so much time ignoring me in her life. It'd be such a mixed bag. These are the things that come to mind. I'd wish I could change the past.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*Part of me believes she really wants to. Another, more fearful and distrusting part of me speculates she is just trying to get me back into the relationship so that she can return to complacency while I continue to do things for her. I feel like I might be giving up a happiness that took me a while to learn, and I'll be honest I feel anxious*
Thats really what it is. Or should I say all it is. You dont trust her.
Over to her. I hope she is also reading this.
What do you say. Are you to be trusted.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Have you and your wife tried dating again? I think that you need to do things together that you both enjoy. You need to concentrate on each other, get away from every day responsibilities, and have fun together again. 

Do you have photo albums or videos of your early life together? Go over these with her, and reminisce about what your romance was like.

She also needs to put down Facebook and her iPhone, and spend that time with you. You will not rebuild the passion for each other if she is spending precious "we" time on Facebook.

A good sex life also works wonders with breaking down resentment. You should talk about what each of you likes, and woo each other regularly.

It will take some time, but if you both make an effort, that wall of resentment will come down brick by brick.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*Concerning your last sentence, I won't even waste my time addressing that. I'll pretend you didn't post it*
That was the most important part of my post. Unless you want to waste money on MC or not to go ahead at all and stay as you are I would advise you to think again.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

accept said:


> Over to her. I hope she is also reading this.
> What do you say. Are you to be trusted.


Yes, I have been reading… I haven't wanted to jump in on his thread, but you did ask me a question. 

I am to be trusted. I want my husband to find a way to move forward without thinking it's a trap or that I will ignore him again…


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

accept said:


> *Concerning your last sentence, I won't even waste my time addressing that. I'll pretend you didn't post it*
> That was the most important part of my post. Unless you want to waste money on MC or not to go ahead at all and stay as you are I would advise you to think again.


Incorrect. I would agree to CONSIDER the decisions of the posters here, not abide by them. 

Other than that, I am grateful for everyone's advice, because that's what it is, advice, not mandates.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Interlocutor said:


> Anger, Sadness...
> 
> I'd wonder what I'd tell my son about how we got along toward the end. I'd be angry at myself for feeling resentment toward the end. I'd feel angry, again, at her ghost for wasting so much time ignoring me in her life. It'd be such a mixed bag. These are the things that come to mind. I'd wish I could change the past.


My eyes are getting damp. This is me to a T. 

It's a terrible feeling. I think it also is compounded by low self esteem. If you were to dig deep, you'd find your self esteem to be lacking....I know mine is despite being mouthy and brash. In real life, I feel like the one person who was supposed to protect/love me, failed and made a choice to do so. Sadness at first, then anger, then full on rage and then finally "can't give a sh!t". I know it all too well.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

What do you say about my previous post which your husband doesnt want to waste time addressing. What is your opinion about it.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I think what it boils down to is whether the two of you TRULY want to be married to one another.
> 
> 2 years ago my husband and I were in an awful place. I didn't know it, but he was in the midst of cheating on me. Our relationship was horrible. We cohabitated, we had sex once in a while, we even had a bit of fun once in a while, but usually we hated the sight of one another and preferred to be alone or with others. I didn't care when he said he was working late or going somewhere or when he stayed on his computer till late at night, and he didn't care that I was rude to him and ignored him almost all the time, and slept with my back to him.
> 
> ...


You think you wrote too much, but it's posts like these that make me have faith in women and by extension my wife. Well-timed, and much-appreciated, inspiring of that very quality your user name suggests.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

accept said:


> What do you say about my previous post which your husband doesnt want to waste time addressing. What is your opinion about it.


I like the advice given but I can't force him to take any of it… 

Several posters have suggested we try dating! HECK I have suggested that for weeks, but like he says it's hard for him to let go and not cringe when I'm around so I just have to wait and see


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Have you and your wife tried dating again? I think that you need to do things together that you both enjoy. You need to concentrate on each other, get away from every day responsibilities, and have fun together again.


I am trying to get myself there... I am trying to get myself there in smaller steps, like enjoying a TV show together, sharing a drink together and just talking, but I need it to be free of her frustration that I am not feeling 100% naturally and immediately. 



lovesherman said:


> Do you have photo albums or videos of your early life together? Go over these with her, and reminisce about what your romance was like.


Good idea... Such an obvious step that I'd overlook it, huh?



lovesherman said:


> She also needs to put down Facebook and her iPhone, and spend that time with you. You will not rebuild the passion for each other if she is spending precious "we" time on Facebook.


I would GIVE ANYTHING I HAVE for her to be less time on her phone... She has been better with her phone, thankfully, but it had been a MAJOR problem for YEARS. I work in a career filled with women, and I tell you it's a HUGE problem. What videogames or porn can be for some men, the iphone and all its little apps are for women today, and I'd bet that these stupid phones are a factor in the shortcomings of many modern wives today in troubled marriages. 



lovesherman said:


> A good sex life also works wonders with breaking down resentment. You should talk about what each of you likes, and woo each other regularly.
> 
> It will take some time, but if you both make an effort, that wall of resentment will come down brick by brick.


I am humbled by your optimism and kind words. Thank you for stating this.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

To the husband. How can your wife prove to you what she has written here. That she is to be trusted. What must she do to prove it. If you cant answer here at least tell her. There must be something. Or do you think she knows already and is not doing it.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> My eyes are getting damp. This is me to a T.
> 
> It's a terrible feeling. I think it also is compounded by low self esteem. If you were to dig deep, you'd find your self esteem to be lacking....I know mine is despite being mouthy and brash. In real life, I feel like the one person who was supposed to protect/love me, failed and made a choice to do so. Sadness at first, then anger, then full on rage and then finally "can't give a sh!t". I know it all too well.


That is exactly how I feel.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You said somewhere that you don't do babysitters. I am sorry if I missed it, but how old is your son and why don't you get babysitters? Is that agreed on by both of you or something you have decreed? What happens if the relatives can't do it and you have something planned?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

accept said:


> To the husband. How can your wife prove to you what she has written here. That she is to be trusted. What must she do to prove it. If you cant answer here at least tell her. There must be something. Or do you think she knows already and is not doing it.


A very challenging question...

I would need to be convinced that there's no... No motive, no agenda... Now, how could she prove that?

She would have to express her feelings in a more patient, kind, and loving way. She sometimes sounds like she's ready to compete with me instead of resolve with me. 

For example, she'll tell me, "So, can we do something together, or do you still not like me?" HTF do I answer that? She gives clear indication, a shame if it's not how she feels anyway, that she wants me to say no. So I lose if I say yes or no. 

If I bring up that she can't view/state things this way, she'll express her frustration that I just don't feel things immediately for her. She'll literally question why I just don't feel 100% loving toward her right then and there as I had when we got married... This impatience and naivete makes it difficult for me to feel trust. It feels less like she wants me happy and more like she wants us back to a status where more is done for her than now.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> You said somewhere that you don't do babysitters. I am sorry if I missed it, but how old is your son and why don't you get babysitters? Is that agreed on by both of you or something you have decreed? What happens if the relatives can't do it and you have something planned?


I don't know where she is going with that since we do have people sit for us. 

Her mom or my mom has come over countless times in the past for my wife and I to go out for a late night to a social event my wife wants to go to.

Then, while there, she'll hang out with her friends, act super happy, act super fun, and get her fun... Then back home, nothing changed.

Now, it would be nice if we did that now that she wants to reconnect, by I personally feel like we should be taking smaller steps than that FOR NOW. Am I wrong in thinking this? I'd like to have a simpler "date" for the time being, like sharing a drink with her at home for a few minutes without talk or mention of her frustration OR my resentment. That would be nice.

I think that she meant that I don't do babysitters meaning strangers. I have no problem leaving my son with my mom, her mom, her sister, etc. to go do something she wants... We did that once or twice a month for years to go everywhere she wanted to go and nothing changed.

I am a little reluctant to do that now. I really would like to build up to that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> For example, she'll tell me, "So, can we do something together, or do you still hate me?"


One of the hardest things I have had to learn in the last year and a half is to bite my tongue when those little snippets want to exit from my mouth. MC has helped TREMENDOUSLY with that. And the fact that I DO want to be married to my hubby. You two really need to explore that question I think. Once you KNOW that you want to be married, most of the rest follows.

One other thing I learned from counseling that is awesome is the concept of the love bank. We all have one. Our spouses fill them up with little comments, pats on the rump, kisses, smiles, emails, general fondness. That way, if they need to make a withdrawal (an angry comment escapes, they snap at you, they forget something important) there's lots in there still and we still feel loved and cherished. If the bank is almost empty or - heaven forbid - overdrawn, the little withdrawals are much harder to deal with. Sounds to me like both of your love banks are, if not overdrawn, then almost empty. Quit waiting for the other one to fill yours up, and start filling theirs up.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I have to be careful here, since we are talking to both partners, and what I would like to say could even make matters worse. Dont think that I dont understand what is going on. I think I do. 
How about some others joining now.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Interlocutor said:


> She'll literally question why I just don't feel 100% loving toward her right then and there as I had when we got married...


And what exactly is wrong with this question?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> Her mom or my mom has come over countless times in the past for my wife and I to go out for a late night to a social event my wife wants to go to.
> 
> Then, while there, she'll hang out with her friends, act super happy, act super fun, and get her fun... Then back home, nothing changed.
> 
> Now, it would be nice if we did that now that she wants to reconnect, by I personally feel like we should be taking smaller steps than that FOR NOW. Am I wrong in thinking this? I'd like to have a simpler "date" for the time being, like sharing a drink with her at home for a few minutes without talk or mention of her frustration OR my resentment. That would be nice.


Um, IMO you need to bring out the BIG guns. Forget the 'social settings' and concentrate on EACH OTHER. Get a hotel room for a night with a hot tub and soak naked together. Drink a bottle of wine over a romantic dinner. Baby steps my a$$. IF you REALLY want to be married, you need to forget about what the other one doesn't do and start doing things yourself.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

Quit thinking about punishment. I *think* you feel that she needs to face some kind of consequences for your being ignored/invalidated. believe me, I know the feeling. Been through it since 2005. I also know how it feels to be displaced by facebook.
If she's truly wanting to reconnect, be strong enough to do it and let the crap go. There's no "plan" or checklist to tick off. Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Look at it this way:
Reliving the painful past is not much different that trying to imagine the dreaded future. Both keep you from seeing the miracle that is the now. Live in the now and let the past be the past, and since you can't know the future, live it as it becomes the now  A little convoluted I know.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Um, IMO you need to bring out the BIG guns. Forget the 'social settings' and concentrate on EACH OTHER. Get a hotel room for a night with a hot tub and soak naked together. Drink a bottle of wine over a romantic dinner. Baby steps my a$$. IF you REALLY want to be married, you need to forget about what the other one doesn't do and start doing things yourself.


:iagree:


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> And what exactly is wrong with this question?


There's nothing wrong with the "question." It has an answer I'm all too happy to discuss with her. When she asks that question, she's NOT looking for an answer any more than I look for answer when I ask my son if he's going to pick up his room or not.

What I meant was that she'll be upset I don't feel 100% romantic with her immediately, downplaying the fact that I might be hurt inside, a hurt that for me took years to undo. Is there something wrong with this reaction to her impatience?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

accept said:


> To the husband. How can your wife prove to you what she has written here. That she is to be trusted. What must she do to prove it. If you cant answer here at least tell her. There must be something. Or do you think she knows already and is not doing it.


This is a fine question. My suggestion is for the OP to speak to his wife exactly the words he would like to hear from her for him to feel right about releasing his resentment and regain his trust. His wife could then repeat his own words back to him, exactly as he would wish them to be said.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Hope's comment about the Love Bank is very good advice. Are you two familiar with this concept? You do things to meet each other's emotional needs, and your "Love Bank" becomes full. It's why you fell in love in the first place.

If Interlocutor needs to take baby steps, then that is the way to go. These things can't be forced because of the emotions involved.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Um, IMO you need to bring out the BIG guns. Forget the 'social settings' and concentrate on EACH OTHER. Get a hotel room for a night with a hot tub and soak naked together. Drink a bottle of wine over a romantic dinner. Baby steps my a$$. IF you REALLY want to be married, you need to forget about what the other one doesn't do and start doing things yourself.


This very idea makes me both smile and feel cautious... Trust me I wish I didn't feel this way! Someone would have said this 5 years ago I would have said "Yeah!"


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband, when we first met, wanted to take 'baby steps' in our relationship. After 6 months I finally ripped his clothes off and had my way with him.

I do know why that is important, and I do agree with it to a certain extent, but I just hope you don't take so many baby steps your wife ends up disappearing over the horizon ahead of you.

And wife, you need to start filling up HIS love bank if you want him to feel more like ravishing you on the kitchen counter, you know.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> And wife, you need to start filling up HIS love bank if you want him to feel more like ravishing you on the kitchen counter, you know.


 :smthumbup:


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

mr.miketastic said:


> Quit thinking about punishment. I *think* you feel that she needs to face some kind of consequences for your being ignored/invalidated. believe me, I know the feeling. Been through it since 2005. I also know how it feels to be displaced by facebook.
> If she's truly wanting to reconnect, be strong enough to do it and let the crap go. There's no "plan" or checklist to tick off. Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Look at it this way:
> Reliving the painful past is not much different that trying to imagine the dreaded future. Both keep you from seeing the miracle that is the now. Live in the now and let the past be the past, and since you can't know the future, live it as it becomes the now  A little convoluted I know.


I PROMISE you I do not want her to feel punished, and I know what you mean... A few years ago, I felt that way, and when I saw her hurt, it felt like a brand of "justice" once. I'm way past that stage. I want to see her happy now but while making sure her happiness doesn't cost me mine... And I wish she had more patience and understanding for me to more easily cast away my fears. 

I want to let it go, but may I ask that she just act naturally and not with a "debate edge"? The day she she walks up to me and asks simply to partake in something I am doing with nothing by sincerity in her eyes, I will let it go or start to more quickly I think. I gave an example above on how it starts... It's hard to overcome when she says things like that.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> I want to let it go, but may I ask that she just act naturally and not with a "debate edge"? The day she she walks up to me and asks simply to partake in something I am doing with nothing by sincerity in her eyes, I will let it go or start to more quickly I think. I gave an example above on how it starts... It's hard to overcome when she says things like that.


message received


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

My H and I did a little "exercise" about resentment in counselling.

"I wish I could change the past".

Well, think that one through.
OP, you mentioned that because of the 4 yr deal, you've become happy and have an amazing relationship with your son. You seem to say that you are a better person now.

If you change the past, would all of what is today still be there?

Pollyanna point, that yes the past does mold us (stolen from brighteyes) and although it wasn't what you pictured, it did make you the person you are today. Some life lessons were learned, were they not?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I was watching this the other day. It made a lot of sense relating to my issues of resentment and how I react to others and my spouse. The first half really clicked for me.

If you aren't religious (I'm spiritual myself) put aside the "God" part and it still makes sense.

Athene's Theory of Everything - YouTube


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Interlocutor said:


> There's nothing wrong with the "question." It has an answer I'm all too happy to discuss with her. When she asks that question, she's NOT looking for an answer any more than I look for answer when I ask my son if he's going to pick up his room or not.
> 
> What I meant was that she'll be upset I don't feel 100% romantic with her immediately, downplaying the fact that I might be hurt inside, a hurt that for me took years to undo. Is there something wrong with this reaction to her impatience?


I think it is disrespectful to judge her motives and predict her reactions in advance. Even if you are correct, the long term good that comes from an honest answer to this question far outweighs her momentary discomfort. If you feel you are being treated with impatience and you don't like it, you need to say just that, no more, no less.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

Interlocutor said:


> I PROMISE you I do not want her to feel punished, and I know what you mean... A few years ago, I felt that way, and when I saw her hurt, it felt like a brand of "justice" once. I'm way past that stage. I want to see her happy now but while making sure her happiness doesn't cost me mine... And I wish she had more patience and understanding for me to more easily cast away my fears.
> 
> I want to let it go, but may I ask that she just act naturally and not with a "debate edge"? The day she she walks up to me and asks simply to partake in something I am doing with nothing by sincerity in her eyes, I will let it go or start to more quickly I think. I gave an example above on how it starts... It's hard to overcome when she says things like that.


I have been there. Mine still does things like that occasionally, but I call her out on it now. I don't get mean, but I certainly do eff with her with humor. Mine likes to use sex to punish, so she did the whole get it over with thing, and actually started listing all the things that needed to be done around the house out loud. While we were at it, I listed some things she left out and then went into my day at work while pumping away. That stopped her short and she hasn't done it since.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

deejov said:


> My H and I did a little "exercise" about resentment in counselling.
> 
> "I wish I could change the past".
> 
> ...


I feel like I am... There was a time I ignored my son and hobbies more when I was trying to spend time pleasing my wife back to me, blindly thinking that was all up to me. In this recent year, I accepted that I can't change everything and I began focusing more on my son and my hobbies. I don't regret that.

When I say that I wish I could change the past, I mean I wish the past was changed to where my wife was involved in my life ALONG WITH my son and hobbies. Ideally, that's how I'd have it changed. But the lesser of two evils within what I COULD control is certainly having a great relationship with my son and with myself even if it excludes my own wife rather than having a fruitless relationship with my wife while neglecting my son and hobbies in desperation, which is where I was for a time.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I think it is disrespectful to judge her motives and predict her reactions in advance. Even if you are correct, the long term good that comes from an honest answer to this question far outweighs her momentary discomfort. If you feel you are being treated with impatience and you don't like it, you need to say just that, no more, no less.


I've done nothing more than that... And I've never judged her motives in advance in anything other than speculation. Or are you saying that if I speculate that my wife might have a insincere motive when she asks, "Are you going to do something with me this time or do you still not like me," or when she says, "Why can't you just like me like you used to, right now? Why not?" I am wrong in cautiously interpreting different possible motives? Were I to display that caution, I am disrespecting her? If so, I disagree.

I spent a long time playing along every time we got into a fight to give her what she wanted receiving nothing in return. Then I would appeal to her nicely, beggingly, angrily, and (insert approach here), and she would only concede for the time being so that I went to the places she wanted me to go, or do the things she wanted me to do, or act the way she wanted me to act, all the while she would lay back on the couch and only rise up again when I stood up to her, RINSE AND REPEAT.

I would call it a gross exaggeration to state that I am disrespecting her when, during the moments she impatiently wants me to just invest time in her as when we were newlyweds, I might be wondering whether she really means it.

And though I HAVE told her about her frustration being an obstacle, she has not listened until now with this thread I think. I have, no more no less, in one ear and out the other.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

mr.miketastic said:


> I have been there. Mine still does things like that occasionally, but I call her out on it now. I don't get mean, but I certainly do eff with her with humor. Mine likes to use sex to punish, so she did the whole get it over with thing, and actually started listing all the things that needed to be done around the house out loud. While we were at it, I listed some things she left out and then went into my day at work while pumping away. That stopped her short and she hasn't done it since.


Mike, thankfully, she spends a lot less time on her phone. 

But again, only because we are where we are...

When I used to beg for her to get off and try to spend time with her, there was no getting her off the phone no matter what. 

May that never happen again!

I took the same approach with house chores... During a time, I did nearly all the cooking and the cleaning. 

Then I started doing less of the cleaning and stopped caring when I saw the same clothes all over our bedroom floor and counters... I only do 50% now.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

CantePe said:


> I was watching this the other day. It made a lot of sense relating to my issues of resentment and how I react to others and my spouse. The first half really clicked for me.
> 
> If you aren't religious (I'm spiritual myself) put aside the "God" part and it still makes sense.
> 
> Athene's Theory of Everything - YouTube


I haven't eaten anything since breakfast... 

I'm going to heat something up and watch. Thanks.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think you both want the same things.... and just don't know how to get started. I THINK you have to do your best to try to impress each other... like you do when you are dating. 

Be kind. 
Be polite.
Dress nice.
Do little things for each other.
Entertain each other.
Entice each other.
Seduce each other.

And ya know.... count your blessings... you do want each other...just have to reconnect!


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> I think you both want the same things.... and just don't know how to get started. I THINK you have to do your best to try to impress each other... like you do when you are dating.
> 
> 1. Be kind.
> 2. Be polite.
> ...


Thank you Sunny T... Let me tell you where I have the most trouble. Above, I numbered your ideas. I have learned to do 1, 2, & 5 again. It was tough. I've never had a problem with 3. However, numbers 4 & 7 I am struggling with I admit. I need to do those, and it's a struggle. I will try tonight again. 

Reading here a lot and many posts have helped me, and posting here has helped me approach these issues with her from a new angle. This fresh revisit has inspired confidence but I still can't predict exactly how I'll feel. 

If you can help with numbers 4 & 7 that would be great. I cannot tell you how much I literally cringe with anger the few times she has put her arms around me. It's going to take a very conscious effort to overcome this, and it's not going to help if she starts acting frustrated and bossy about how I "need to feel." This may sound bizarre or silly to you, but it's hard to describe the feeling. It's almost a feeling like I'd be turning my back on myself, which is absurd, but there it is.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You're in a self feeding destructive cycle here and you both have to take a leap of faith

She reaches out, you cringe due to mistrust and then she doesn't want to reach out for a while because of the way you reacted

When will it end?

I'm not a huge believer in fake it til you make it, but it can truly work here. If she reaches out either emotionally or physically then bite your tongue and reciprocate in the nicest way possible. Eventually you'll both see that "hey treating each other like a loving couple can be fun and rewarding"! The inner resentment will dissolve as you will begin to see sincerity and honest affection.

And if it doesn't work? Then at least you'll know what to do next.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> You're in a self feeding destructive cycle here and you both have to take a leap of faith
> 
> She reaches out, you cringe due to mistrust and then she doesn't want to reach out for a while because of the way you reacted
> 
> ...


Label my notions as unrealistic, but I have been hoping there was SOMETHING I could do that didn't involve me "faking" it or stepping forward blindly.

What I mean is, and this is the best example I could think of, if every time I touched a stream of water it burned to the touch, I'd want to know the temperature before I touched it again and burned myself. Ah, what if I had a thermometer that I could use, verify it wasn't burning, then touch it?

I feel that there are some things that my wife could be doing, like a thermometer, that tell the other person it's safe.

She hadn't been doing them, and instead she has been displaying a short fuse, impatience. 

However, after she and I posted today, she is acting very sincere, rational. Like I posted to SunnyT, it feels much more safe now. In fact, she has not acted impatiently today at all, which has NOT been the norm. Any other day, by now, she would have thrown some tantrum in the evening over something or for ignoring her, etc. Maybe that's why I haven't been cringing back today. 

She is very approachable right now, actually. I can't force her to act this way or to be this open and sincere, but as long as she acts this way, I'm making mental plans as I write to do my part, which I won't back out of. Wish me luck.

Actually, I think I just realized something... Each time she goes through what I call her "phases," she wants to move forward, yes, by talking about it for 10 minutes, getting frustrated, and then telling my how I should have felt. Today, she has been posting on TAM, she has NOT been telling me how to feel, and she has been open for discourse without limit on the topic all day for the first time in maybe almost a year... All this difference in just one day... Why? No matter...

I'm beginning to think that, since all her earlier efforts involved trying to debate with me for ten minutes, getting immediately frustrated, and then moving on to something else that day, I never felt trusting of what her motives really were. Seeing her post here and take a whole day to talk about this with me has definitely never happened before. I think it is moving me in the sense that I feel for the first time that her attempts are not half-hearted. They (her efforts) were more today than her usual 10 minute conversation about why I don't want to do something with her, what's wrong with me, and then walking away and I don't hear anything about our relationship again until the next day.

From when she first posted, up to now, I feel, not just being told by her she cares, that she DOES care... This is a start... I'm making some new realizations and thinking new things all as I answer your posts so I'll be right back. I'm gonna have some tea and collect my thoughts.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Her hugs make you feel icky.... that's sad. Touch is soooooooooooo important... or is that just me? 

All I can think of is make a deal with her... ask her not to hug you just yet.... but then you will have to reach out to her, then it would be on your own terms, your own initiation. Think that would work? Just a hug goodbye when you go to work.... hold her hand when you take a walk.... 

I don't know... but it's a start.


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## losing_hope (Dec 1, 2011)

I was just talking about resentment to my therapist last week... And how I feel resentment with so many things, at home, at work...

One quote I saw recently was "Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping your enemies will die from it." 

And I realized that often times I feel resentment because I assume too much. I assume that my wife doesn't want to have sex with me because she doesn't like me. I assume my boss doesn't want to talk to me because he doesn't like me. Etc. etc. 

It simply boils down to that I don't know what goes on in anybody else's head. I can't assume anything. 

So I'm trying to learn to deal with resentment. One thing that my therapist suggested, and what seems to help is when I am feeling resentment, just think "Oh, there's that old resentment again." Even a simple thing like that seems to minimize it, and hopefully eventually it'll go away.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I know everybody here means well. I need to get this out though. I think it is very difficult to advise him not to question her motives when she has shown for years that her motives are self serving. Granted, she has felt the same from him.....he discounted her needs early on. It IS a vicious cycle and difficult to break. Having said that, when all you have is past bad behavior to go on, it is extremely difficult to think altruistic things about motives now. I suspect that is the crux of the OP's angst. In his mind, if he lets his guard down and opens his heart again, he risks being taken advantage of and hurt even worse.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

That's a risk you take for loooooooooooooooooove.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I want to add, you are not off the hook here. She was a new mother and you discounted her support system, her family. A new mother already questions if she can do this, she is scared out of her mind, worried about everything and NEEDS the support of those around her. I am not talking about pot heads but surely she had family who were not and by telling her that she needed to wait to have them around until you got home, you left her stuck without needed helpers and strength. I can see a tremendous amount of resentment stemming from that. In essence you made her feel like her needs didn't matter and that you didn't trust her enough to be around her own family until you were there to keep an eye on things. That is the LAST message a new mother needed to hear. 
I can imagine she has JUST as much anger as you do. Her actions show that. You both contributed to this 50/50. Just wanted to point that out as well.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I want to add, you are not off the hook here. She was a new mother and you discounted her support system, her family. A new mother already questions if she can do this, she is scared out of her mind, worried about everything and NEEDS the support of those around her. I am not talking about pot heads but surely she had family who were not and by telling her that she needed to wait to have them around until you got home, you left her stuck without needed helpers and strength. I can see a tremendous amount of resentment stemming from that. In essence you made her feel like her needs didn't matter and that you didn't trust her enough to be around her own family until you were there to keep an eye on things. That is the LAST message a new mother needed to hear.
> I can imagine she has JUST as much anger as you do. Her actions show that. You both contributed to this 50/50. Just wanted to point that out as well.


Okay... I said that I didn't want to go into that too much in her thread earlier in the day. I just hinted that with HER family and MINE it was better that way.

Some background: My father is an alcoholic. My mother suffers from vertigo and severe depression, takes a lot of Prozac. My mother-in-law is pretty normal. My father-in-law is severely mentally ill (diagnosed with a bad manic-depressive disorder) and though married to my mother-in-law at that time he is now in another state living by himself because during a manic episode he divorced my mother-in-law for some woman in another state. 

The first day back from the hospital with my newborn, my mother and mother-in-law immediately start telling me what to do... How to feed, how to clothe him, etc. I told them thank you but I would do such-and-such. MY mother told me no I needed to do this-and-that. I told her no, and because I refused, she had an episode crying and threatening to call the cops on me. I had to ask her to leave. 

From the second day onward, my mother-in-law would want to come to my home while I was at work. I'd get home, and there'd be a whole troop of people, including my father-in-law, whom I REFUSED, and I stand by it today, to allow to be around my infant without me being there. There was a day that while I was home (upstairs), my brother-in-law and my wife were downstairs playing with my infant. When I picked up my week(s)-old infant boy and hugged him, all I could breathe in was marijuana. This is the ONLY problem I have with marijuana smokers, that they keep it to themselves. That's it! I have no other problem with the drug whatsoever. I just didn't need to smell that on my newborn! That hurt beyond words!!! Other days, my wife would call me that my mother-in-law was going over my house. She'd tell me this over the phone. I'd get home, and there'd be a troop of my family and hers at my house... I don't want to go more into why I had such a hard time with family in my house, but my son was, no IS, the most precious thing in the world to me. It KILLED me to have to witness what to me were PURE HORRORS firsthand for my newborn, much less the horrors that went on without me since my presence didn't deter any inappropriateness anyway... And when my wife refused to see any problem at first out of family loyalty when I picked up my newborn and he smelled like PURE marijuana, what do you think that did to my trust in her??? I was betrayed, crushed! 

Should I have NOT cut off her support system? That's not an easy "no." 

*Should I have maybe, something discussed in retrospect, only allowed my mother-in-law over while I wasn't there? Maybe... I can't go back and change that. FOR THAT ONLY will I recognize failing as a husband.*

I WILL NOT, however, recognize any failure on my part for not allowing the rest of our families to come over while I wasn't there. They were more than welcome to after 3 PM.

For the part I bolded, I take responsibility in failing... If my mother-in-law had a drug issue or mental problem AS WELL (not the case, she is the only normal one!), then I would have cut out the whole support system just the same but WITHOUT remorse.

Some families pick up everything they own and move away from everyone because of issues like this... And they make it on their own. If our "support system" had been normal, then I'd have no leg to stand on and I'd have NEVER insisted on such a rule in my house, that they all wait until after 3 PM. None of this would have happened. 

But, because of the part in bold, I recognize that in my desperation to protect my family I have slighted my wife. She didn't have to ignore me for four years... But as for my resentment, look, it took one day of spending time on our relationship and I'm ready to let it go tonight... I wish I had been given similar opportunities during the MANY days I had spent trying to make things up to her. I had failed her, I knew it, and I invested into a void years of hoop-jumping that earned me no points... Thus, my resentment...

Am I saying my resentment is more justified than hers? Nope, I really don't care about the answer to that. I only know in my heart that for every time I hurt my wife I would spend endless days trying to do EVERYTHING she wanted to make her happy... Why do it if it wasn't going to work? It didn't... She did not want anything to do with me until I finally stopped trying. Go figure...

You say we both contributed the problems/resentment... I started trying to fix the problem I contributed immediately after contributing it, and no matter what I did, nothing would ever work. She made SURE of that. I have been given the same role tonight, and I WILL NOT do that to her. Tonight she showed me she would spend a day on our relationship, thus tonight is all I need. For my part, I had no problem apologizing then, and I have no problem apologizing now JUST IN CASE. LOL

Well, on to tonight... Feel much better for reasons posted on the page prior.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

First you have to decide what you want. In your heart do you decide that you want a loving romantic relationship with the mother of your child for life. Weighing all factors, including the great benefit / harm to your child involved in your decision, what is it that you want?

If you want a loving romantic relationship with your wife, the KEY and SECRET to that is you have to SPEND TIME with her. 10-15 Hours a week of one on one time, doing fun things, not being distracted by work, iphones, facebook or television. In addition, in the time together you should do fun things as much as possible that include physical and / or recreational activities.

Once you decide what it is you want in your future, your present plan is to take 6 months focusing on spending fun time together, and focusing on doing nice things for each other. You communicate with confidence to your wife that this is the plan and this is what it will take to grow your connection (time and focus). Ask your wife if she agrees that this is the right plan, and listen for her answer. If she agrees then run with this plan.

Even if she agrees your wife will naturally become frustrated. You have to hold her to the plan when she deviates from the plan in either direction (gets frustrated that you are not instantly changing, or she starts texting while you and she are having a conversation). What you have to remember is that you are the man, and she is the woman.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

I figured out how to get over my resentment. 

As of today, I believe I am acting pretty much like I used to when we got along, and provided that she show me the same I have bitten down hard and reached out to my wife as I used to, physically and emotionally, with warm expressions. 

I realize now that in a way it was never up to me. I just needed to be ready to see something from her.

To all those who suffer from resentment, there may be nothing you can do, YOURSELF, directly. However, as long as you're open, your resentment can be brought tumbling down by your partner. What you are waiting for is not for your resentment to disappear over time or expire. What you are waiting for is a sign, an indication, the passing of some verification/test/etc. that your partner is to be trusted. For four years my wife didn't do that, thus my resentment remained. In the span of just 6-8 HOURS in one random day, my wife did something she had not done in four years. She spent half a day dedicating sincere time with no competitive angles on trying to fix her marriage. Seeing that has truly moved me. 

I believe that many people that are feeling a resentment they can't get rid of are in a cycle that is fed by either not being open with a partner who's trying or by being open with a partner who still has not taken the gloves off...

It's my opinion, but I truly believe EVERY member of this site who is dealing with resentment BUT is open to casting it off and rebuilding quite simply needs to be given a sign, and open hand, that everything is safe. They need their partner to approach them as they are with no motive or agenda, and they need their partner in that capacity to SHOW they care, to prove things are safe, to step into the unknown with both feet and total disregard and beckon their partner to join them. 

I surmise that many resentment-dwellers here may not be open themselves... But I have a dwindling suspicion that many MAY BE open, but they have not been given a sincere and warm welcoming back into the relationship. Then such a resentment-sufferer beats their head fruitlessly wondering why they can not get over it.

I feel like I have been given a tremendous insight into resentment, and I wish to relay hope, real hope that has been tested, to those that suffer it. 

It can be cured.

Edit:

I should mention, there is great testament to being moved in such a way in the fact that such events have happened in their worst climate, viz. A crop growing during the season most likely for it to fail. 

I am a HUGE car guy, and I own two Trans Ams I have spent years repairing and fixing. Due to financial troubles, one of them needed to be sold. I knew the day that came that I would be devastated. Well, the transaction took place yesterday. I felt DESTROYED. If it was any other day, I would have been depressed all day. I was determined because of my new hope in my marriage to spend time with my wife yesterday as I promised to her, and I didn't let what happened with my car to interfere. 

It didn't. I had a great time.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

What a wonderful New Year's present for you two! Thank you so much for updating your story. It is lovely to hear of someone who turned things around so quickly. I needed a boost today, and you provided it!


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> What a wonderful New Year's present for you two! Thank you so much for updating your story. It is lovely to hear of someone who turned things around so quickly. I needed a boost today, and you provided it!


I am glad friend. When something good happens, I'm just not the type to keep it to myself.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I am so happy for you. I feel your pain and I also understand how huge it is for you to look forward. It takes a REALLY big person to do this. That is awesome.
Happy New Year, hun. 2012 is going to be amazing for you, my spidey senses can feel it.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

This is a great story. I believe so much can be learned here. Thank you both for sharing.


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