# Wife lied about night out with friend



## podiumboy

Not sure where to put this topic.

My wife has recently made a new friend at work. Wife is 31, other girl is 23. From what my wife has told me, her friend is in a bad relationship that she wants to get out of but can't for various reasons. She said they have reached a point where they want to hang out with each other outside of work. Which is great, my wife needs and deserves a social life.

She started making noise the other day about this friend wanting to go to the local casino, and how she didn't really want to go. My wife is not a gambler at all. I told her she should go anyway, might be fun for a girls night out.

What happened next was by accident. I don't go through my wife's phone. Never have. My daughter was playing a game on Mom's phone, and accidentally closed out of it and wanted me to find her game again. I grab the phone and push the main button, and there is a text conversationfrom this friend. The words "male stripper" immediately caught my eye. Here's what it said; 

Her friend: did you ever find out about that male stripper thing at the casino?
Wife: no, sadly I think it already happened!
Friend: oh 

I did a little research, and "The Thunder From Doen Under" was just st our local casino last weekend. I know enough about that to know what it is. The thing is, I would have no problem with my wife going to something like that. Last fall I went to a female strip club for my friend's divorce party. My friends got a few lap dances, but I honestly was well behaved and just drank and watched the dancers and avoided the VIP room. 

My issue is just that she chose to lie about it. To stage this whole scenario where my wife was drug to the casino by her friend, when in fact, she seemed to be the one who was going to arrange it. My wife has also been suffering from a low sex drive the past couple years (which I've discussed in my own thread in the SIM forum). Since she became a mother, she's been kind of prudish about things like strip clubs, and sexuality in general. So I was a little surprised to read that.

Is this a red flag? Could it be that there is something stirring beneath the surface in my wife? That this young, unmarried friend is bringing out a different side to her? I am reluctant to bring this up, because she'll think I was deliberately snooping. Any and all opinions welcomed! Thanks!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

She still may have not really wanted to go.
I know a few ladies who have been dragged to that exact show by friends, seems to be really popular.


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## Hope1964

podiumboy said:


> Could it be that there is something stirring beneath the surface in my wife? That this young, unmarried friend is bringing out a different side to her?


Could be. Could not be too.

The fact you're reluctant to bring this up with her is more of a red flag about your relationship, frankly.


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## Rick Blaine

A good marriage establishes healthy boundaries. We are all wired to have an affair because we all have heartbeats and are attracted to the opposite sex even if we are in a committed marriage. So because of this we have to have a healthy skepticism and keep our guard up. This is GOOD for marriage! So when you say that you don't monitor what's on her phone and virtually apologize for doing it, I ask why? Your relationship should be fully transparent. There is no privacy between couples unless one is using the latrine. 

Second, as a married man you should not be going to see strippers and neither should she. Yes, the fact that she lied about it makes it worse, but she shouldn't be doing it at all.

You may not agree with anything I have shared up to this point in my post, but I hope you heed the following: This new friend is bad news and she will take your wife on a wayward path just as sure the sun sets in the West. For the sake of your marriage I hope she 86's this new friend. I would ask her to. If she says no, be prepared for a bad end.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

podiumboy said:


> Her friend: did you ever find out about that male stripper thing at the casino?
> Wife: no, sadly I think it already happened!
> Friend: oh


Do you have any I idea what the "it" is that has sadly already happened... or what she was trying to find out about the male stripper?

This is rather cryptic without more explanation or context. Could mean a number of things, but it smells fishy.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

It already happened = the event already happened last week 

Sounds like they missed the stripper event so it's not even really an issue anymore.


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## jb02157

Don't bring anything up and keep on monitoring her phone, computer etc. If anything is going on between those two, something is bound to shake out eventually.


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## vauxhall101

It doesn't sound that sinister to me, she might just be wanting to 'keep up' with her friend, and not seem 'prudish' to her - and as for going to the strip show, she might not be trying to hide it from you, so much as she realises you might take it personally, if she has become a little bit withdrawn about sex since having children. I'd definitely give her the benefit of the doubt, based on what you've written.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Yes, I agree with benefit of the doubt. We have no idea if she would have told you if it worked out that they were there and she was going to it. 

How much time do you and your wife go out on alone dates? You say she doesn't get out much but you should be the one taking her on the majority of her outings away from the kids and home. 

15 hours a week of dates is recommended to keep those love feelings (which include sexual desire) alive.


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## Talker67

podiumboy said:


> So I was a little surprised to read that.
> 
> Is this a red flag? Could it be that there is something stirring beneath the surface in my wife? That this young, unmarried friend is bringing out a different side to her? I am reluctant to bring this up, because she'll think I was deliberately snooping. Any and all opinions welcomed! Thanks!


it is not a red flag implying that she is cheating.

it IS a wake up call that her sexual needs are not being fully met in your marriage. Time to start some new and kinky things!


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## samyeagar

Talker67 said:


> it is not a red flag implying that she is cheating.
> 
> it IS a wake up call that her sexual needs are not being fully met in your marriage. Time to start some new and kinky things!


Agreed that it doesn't imply cheating at all, but the second part there only really matters if she is wanting the marriage and husband to meet those needs.


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## Talker67

True, but i am a big believer in resurrecting sex lives. they HAD a good sex life once. she is still showing signs of being horny. Sounds like a great invitation to getting her motor revving again.


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## Rick Blaine

Talker67 said:


> True, but i am a big believer in resurrecting sex lives. they HAD a good sex life oce. she is still showing signs of being horny. Sounds like a great invitation to getting her motor revving again.


Yes, it does. But if she meeting a single friend to do it that is a concern. A concern about boundaries and about the slippery slope.

He needs to establish boundaries, and he needs to freshen up his love life with his wife. The two goals are not mutually exclusive. 

I would strongly suggest he read "His Needs, Her Needs: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage" by Dr. Willard Harley. The information in that book will enable the poster to learn to meet his wife's emotional needs (a concern you address here) and establish some important boundaries that are currently not in place. I sense that he doesn't know what to do and that he needs clear direction. This book can really help him. 

The red flag has been waved, but it's early, and he has time to respond proactively. I hope he reads the book.


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## Steve1000

@podiumboy



podiumboy;18208969
Her friend: did you ever find out about that male stripper thing at the casino?
Wife: no said:


> When did your wife and her friend see the strippers at the hotel?
> How long after that did your wife and her friend have the chat you posted?
> 
> Edit to add: My first impression was that they did go to the casino and this message exchanged occurred sometime after. I now have the impression that they actually didn't yet go to the casino.


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## Yeswecan

podiumboy said:


> Not sure where to put this topic.
> 
> My wife has recently made a new friend at work. Wife is 31, other girl is 23. From what my wife has told me, her friend is in a bad relationship that she wants to get out of but can't for various reasons. She said they have reached a point where they want to hang out with each other outside of work. Which is great, my wife needs and deserves a social life.
> 
> She started making noise the other day about this friend wanting to go to the local casino, and how she didn't really want to go. My wife is not a gambler at all. I told her she should go anyway, might be fun for a girls night out.
> 
> What happened next was by accident. I don't go through my wife's phone. Never have. My daughter was playing a game on Mom's phone, and accidentally closed out of it and wanted me to find her game again. I grab the phone and push the main button, and there is a text conversationfrom this friend. The words "male stripper" immediately caught my eye. Here's what it said;
> 
> Her friend: did you ever find out about that male stripper thing at the casino?
> Wife: no, sadly I think it already happened!
> Friend: oh
> 
> I did a little research, and "The Thunder From Doen Under" was just st our local casino last weekend. I know enough about that to know what it is. The thing is, I would have no problem with my wife going to something like that. Last fall I went to a female strip club for my friend's divorce party. My friends got a few lap dances, but I honestly was well behaved and just drank and watched the dancers and avoided the VIP room.
> 
> My issue is just that she chose to lie about it. To stage this whole scenario where my wife was drug to the casino by her friend, when in fact, she seemed to be the one who was going to arrange it. My wife has also been suffering from a low sex drive the past couple years (which I've discussed in my own thread in the SIM forum). Since she became a mother, she's been kind of prudish about things like strip clubs, and sexuality in general. So I was a little surprised to read that.
> 
> Is this a red flag? Could it be that there is something stirring beneath the surface in my wife? That this young, unmarried friend is bringing out a different side to her? I am reluctant to bring this up, because she'll think I was deliberately snooping. Any and all opinions welcomed! Thanks!


The young friend appears to be the problem. Monitor and keep a close look. Next time your W says she is going out with the new friend just casually say Thunder from Down Under has left town. Then ask where are the going.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Yeswecan said:


> The young friend appears to be the problem. Monitor and keep a close look. Next time your W says she is going out with the new friend just casually say Thunder from Down Under has left town. Then ask where are the going.


This sounds a little passive aggressive IMO. They didn't even go to the show. He has no idea how much the show was even discussed as an option for their outing. He's not going to make her sexually attracted to him by being all pouty.


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## Rick Blaine

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> This sounds a little passive aggressive IMO. They didn't even go to the show. He has no idea how much the show was even discussed as an option for their outing. He's not going to make her sexually attracted to him by being all pouty.


Agree that he needs to attack this head on and have a proactive, nonjudgmental conversation with his wife about the marriage. They need to talk about their relationship and learn to meet each other's needs. But he also needs to establish boundaries (sorry to keep repeating this but it's important). I think this new gal isn't good for the marriage. She is much younger anyway and lives a completely different lifestyle that will at the very least be a distraction and at worst take his wife on a path towards a life of unhealthy independence and waywardness.


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## AtMyEnd

podiumboy said:


> Not sure where to put this topic.
> 
> My wife has recently made a new friend at work. Wife is 31, other girl is 23. From what my wife has told me, her friend is in a bad relationship that she wants to get out of but can't for various reasons. She said they have reached a point where they want to hang out with each other outside of work. Which is great, my wife needs and deserves a social life.
> 
> She started making noise the other day about this friend wanting to go to the local casino, and how she didn't really want to go. My wife is not a gambler at all. I told her she should go anyway, might be fun for a girls night out.
> 
> What happened next was by accident. I don't go through my wife's phone. Never have. My daughter was playing a game on Mom's phone, and accidentally closed out of it and wanted me to find her game again. I grab the phone and push the main button, and there is a text conversationfrom this friend. The words "male stripper" immediately caught my eye. Here's what it said;
> 
> Her friend: did you ever find out about that male stripper thing at the casino?
> Wife: no, sadly I think it already happened!
> Friend: oh
> 
> I did a little research, and "The Thunder From Doen Under" was just st our local casino last weekend. I know enough about that to know what it is. The thing is, I would have no problem with my wife going to something like that. Last fall I went to a female strip club for my friend's divorce party. My friends got a few lap dances, but I honestly was well behaved and just drank and watched the dancers and avoided the VIP room.
> 
> My issue is just that she chose to lie about it. To stage this whole scenario where my wife was drug to the casino by her friend, when in fact, she seemed to be the one who was going to arrange it. My wife has also been suffering from a low sex drive the past couple years (which I've discussed in my own thread in the SIM forum). Since she became a mother, she's been kind of prudish about things like strip clubs, and sexuality in general. So I was a little surprised to read that.
> 
> Is this a red flag? Could it be that there is something stirring beneath the surface in my wife? That this young, unmarried friend is bringing out a different side to her? I am reluctant to bring this up, because she'll think I was deliberately snooping. Any and all opinions welcomed! Thanks!


Maybe I'm missing something here. She told you she was going to the casino with a friend, and they apparently ended up seeing a male strip show at the casino. That's not exactly lying, after all she was at the place she told you she was going.


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## Steve1000

AtMyEnd said:


> Maybe I'm missing something here. She told you she was going to the casino with a friend, and they apparently ended up seeing a male strip show at the casino. That's not exactly lying, after all she was at the place she told you she was going.


That was also my first impression. However, after re-reading the original post, it seems that the wife and her friend actually did not go to the casino yet.


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## samyeagar

Steve1000 said:


> That was also my first impression. However, after re-reading the original post, it seems that the wife and her friend actually did not go to the casino yet.


My understanding was they told op they were going to the casino, without providing any further details. He later found out accidentally that his wife had tried to arrange for tickets to the strip show, but that they had missed it by a week.


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## BobSimmons

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Do you have any I idea what the "it" is that has sadly already happened... or what she was trying to find out about the male stripper?
> 
> This is rather cryptic without more explanation or context. Could mean a number of things, but it smells fishy.


Sounds like there was a male stripper thing at the casino but it already happened... took it quite literally.


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## Steve1000

samyeagar said:


> My understanding was they told op they were going to the casino, without providing any further details. He later found out accidentally that his wife had tried to arrange for tickets to the strip show, but that they had missed it by a week.


That's another possibility.


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## BobSimmons

Imagine in the days before internet forums when a husband would just ask his wife "Where did you go, and explain this to me?"

Nah..too far fetched.


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## podiumboy

Sorry I should've been more clear! They never went to the casino, and never got to experience the THUNDER! I know for a fact the show was at the casino this past weekend. At this point they have never spent any time together outside of work. The way the texting happened was that this girl asked my wife out of nowhere if she ever heard anything about that "male stripper thing at the casino" and my wife said "sadly I think it's already happened!" It could be that my wife didn't want to go to the casino, didn't want to go to the THUNDER, but was just trying to sound cool for her friend by saying she'd go, and then didn't really follow up with it until it was too late. Or it's entirely possibly that my wife desperately wants to see a bunch of sexy, almost naked Aussies dancing around! 

I just asked her "so when are you going to the casino with your friend?" She just said "I don't think we are, our schedules never line up. She works 2 jobs, I'm busy with work, family, kids, yada yada yada. We might meet up for dinner some night." I don't mean to sound naive, because I'm actually the opposite of naive. It doesn't seem like my wife is really in a hurry to spend time with this person. She has told me stories about how screwed up her relationship is with her boyfriend, how he's always cheating on her and is basically a bum that she supports, etc. She seems like the kind of girl where if she went out to a bar, she'd be on the prowl, or at least an easy target.


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## WorkingOnMe

You could have been the beneficiary of a hot horny wife when she returned. That show isn't exactly x rated. It's more hype than anything and designed for the mom set. It's type 2 fun (look it up). If you have a fit about it then you'll just shut her down sexually and encourage prudishness. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## tropicalbeachiwish

I think you're making a big deal out of nothing.


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## podiumboy

I don't have a problem at all with her going to a show like that, I truly don't. I understand that it's all in good fun. My wife went to a bachelorette party with a male stripper, and I just laughed and didn't feel the slightest bit insecure. In the last several years, I have been to a female strip club twice. Once was in April of 2015 for my friend's bachelor party, and the other in October 2016 for a different friend's divorce party. For both events, I was on my best behavior. My wife knew about it both times beforehand. I told her "we'll probably go to a strip club, but you have my guarantee that I won't do anything stupid." That was good enough for her, she didn't seem to give it a 2nd thought. So I wouldn't say that it's a problem, for either of us. I don't plan to go to a strip club again unless a similar situation arises. I have a friend getting married next summer, and there's a good chance that bachelor party may include a strip club... it'll be the same situation if we do end up going to one. 

There is a reason I don't want my wife knowing that I saw her phone. She would really be pissed off, because she would think I didn't trust her. When we first started having problem with her sex drive, I thought she might be cheating on me. That's what the internet seemed to suggest! This really hurt her and pissed her off. I don't want to go down that road again.

I'm pretty satisfied that this was just a little white lie, at this point. I will continue to monitor things a little more closely, but I don't really think this was more than wanting to have a fun, slightly wild (but still in a controlled environment) night out with a friend.


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## WorkingOnMe

podiumboy said:


> I don't have a problem at all with her going to a show like that, I truly don't. I understand that it's all in good fun. My wife went to a bachelorette party with a male stripper, and I just laughed and didn't feel the slightest bit insecure. In the last several years, I have been to a female strip club twice. Once was in April of 2015 for my friend's bachelor party, and the other in October 2016 for a different friend's divorce party. For both events, I was on my best behavior. My wife knew about it both times beforehand. I told her "we'll probably go to a strip club, but you have my guarantee that I won't do anything stupid." That was good enough for her, she didn't seem to give it a 2nd thought. So I wouldn't say that it's a problem, for either of us. I don't plan to go to a strip club again unless a similar situation arises. I have a friend getting married next summer, and there's a good chance that bachelor party may include a strip club... it'll be the same situation if we do end up going to one.
> 
> There is a reason I don't want my wife knowing that I saw her phone. She would really be pissed off, because she would think I didn't trust her. When we first started having problem with her sex drive, I thought she might be cheating on me. That's what the internet seemed to suggest! This really hurt her and pissed her off. I don't want to go down that road again.
> 
> I'm pretty satisfied that this was just a little white lie, at this point. I will continue to monitor things a little more closely, but I don't really think this was more than wanting to have a fun, slightly wild (but still in a controlled environment) night out with a friend.


She might also have been thinking that the show would help her get her drive back. A little kick start. But she doesn't want you to know she needs the "inspiration", the same way you wouldn't want her to know if you needed porn to get hard before having sex with her.


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## AtMyEnd

Steve1000 said:


> That was also my first impression. However, after re-reading the original post, it seems that the wife and her friend actually did not go to the casino yet.


I just went back and read it again too. I see what you mean but still, they are still going to the casino. Besides, a show like Thunder From Down Under really isn't like going to a strip club. It's more of a burlesque show than a strip show.


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## Taxman

I have a large problem with GNO’s. During our marital problems, my wife’s BFF wanted to split us up so that my wife could help her attract guys at bars. That friendship ended when our marital problems were over. My wife has a little sis. Generally, this woman is a man-eater. She has already blown through one marriage, and two live in situations. Now her current SO has figured her out and has asked for a “break”.
Almost immediately a GNO was planned. I was told that my wife and her sis were going out for dinner. I casually asked the name of the place. OK, so a little sleuthing, and voila, little sis wants to go with my wife to a cougar bar. So, that afternoon, I text my wife to have fun at the cougar bar with little sis. The text I get back is: WHAT THE HELL? I never gave consent to go to a cougar bar? Next telephone call is to little sis, who thinks it is ok to say to me, “I just wanted to see if we could hook up with some young guys” I said, what makes you think I would be OK with you getting my wife laid by another guy? OH NO, I didn’t mean that! I called BS, and told her that I no longer consider her a friend to my marriage. NO MORE GNO’s with the sister. All social contact is in a family situation. PLUS, do not expect me to keep a civil tongue in my head. PS, I just contacted another SIL to let her know what is going on. Her response: Paid women (she considers little sis to be little better than a streetwalker), want others to join them in the handbasket on the way to hell.


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## TAMAT

Podiumboy,

From reading your prior posts, my take on this is that your W is still a sexual being, just not for you, she is too young to have turned asexual. I don't think the blood supply which fed her lower parts when you were first dating has been impaired.

This is what makes her going out to a strip show painful to you, as it contradicts her claim that she is no longer interested.

I think what may have happened with your W is not so much that she became a mother, but that she looks at you like a father and husband but not like a lover. 

You are correct in not telling your W that you looked at her phone, because while you say you do not want to divorce your W, you do need to find out if she is lying to you about not wanting sex.

There's also a possibility your W is attracted to this other woman, or attracted to the drama in that womans life.

In any event you need to keep snooping because your can't go on for another 20 or 30 years feeling unloved and unwanted.

Tamat


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## alexm

Big deal about nothing.

Only thing I'd be on the look out for is if OP's wife actually winds up going out with the single girl in her early 20's.

As OP said, she doesn't seem that interested - nor should she, IMO.

At best, the young girl wants an older friend because she's just not into the scene her age group is in. Worst case - she wants an older woman around, thinking it makes her look better and would be a highly capable wingman... Or she simply wants an older, _married_ woman around so she gets the men they attract. You can catch more fish with twice the bait.

As for the OP telling his wife what he saw on her phone - he totally should. It was by complete accident (daughter can back that up, if necessary). Doesn't matter if he's done some snooping in the past - not his problem. This wasn't snooping. And it's legitimate enough to ask questions about, IMO.

For that matter, if OP isn't comfortable with his wife potentially hanging out with a single 23 year old, he has every right to express this to her.

People have to stop being so afraid of their spouses.


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## Rubix Cubed

podiumboy said:


> It doesn't seem like my wife is really in a hurry to spend time with this person. She has told me stories about how screwed up her relationship is with her boyfriend, how he's always cheating on her and is basically a bum that she supports, etc. She seems like the *kind of girl where if she went out to a bar, she'd be on the prowl, or at least an easy target.*


 This is what you'd better keep tabs on. She'll try to make your wife her wingman. There are dozens of stories here where that goes pear shaped quickly. Nipping it in the bud would be wise on your part.


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## Txquail

podiumboy said:


> I don't have a problem at all with her going to a show like that, I truly don't. I understand that it's all in good fun. My wife went to a bachelorette party with a male stripper, and I just laughed and didn't feel the slightest bit insecure. In the last several years, I have been to a female strip club twice. Once was in April of 2015 for my friend's bachelor party, and the other in October 2016 for a different friend's divorce party. For both events, I was on my best behavior. My wife knew about it both times beforehand. I told her "we'll probably go to a strip club, but you have my guarantee that I won't do anything stupid." That was good enough for her, she didn't seem to give it a 2nd thought. So I wouldn't say that it's a problem, for either of us. I don't plan to go to a strip club again unless a similar situation arises. I have a friend getting married next summer, and there's a good chance that bachelor party may include a strip club... it'll be the same situation if we do end up going to one.
> 
> There is a reason I don't want my wife knowing that I saw her phone. She would really be pissed off, because she would think I didn't trust her. When we first started having problem with her sex drive, I thought she might be cheating on me. That's what the internet seemed to suggest! This really hurt her and pissed her off. I don't want to go down that road again.
> 
> I'm pretty satisfied that this was just a little white lie, at this point. I will continue to monitor things a little more closely, but I don't really think this was more than wanting to have a fun, slightly wild (but still in a controlled environment) night out with a friend.


My wife and I have a policy of trust and openess. We have the following rules

1. All electronic devices are accessible by each other. She can look at my phone whenever she wants and I can look at hers. Including computers, ipads etc....

2. All social media and email passwords are known with each other.

3. Since I drive long distances she requested we both put tacking software on each others phones. We nicknamed them stalk a spouse. I dont mind she knowing where I am, and honestly its nice hitting track to see if shes almost home from work. 

4. Answer any question honestly no matter how embarrassing it is. The questionaire is not allowed to get mad if it was before we met. Might sound wierd, but its actually great. If she wants to know what I did in my college years with other girls, I tell her. If I want to know her history she tells me. 

Now some people think we a crazy for doing this but it removes any doubts on your minds for cheating.

Also our rules forced us in the beginning to trust each other. Now 12 years later we are still together and happy.

My point is you need to talk to her and she needs to be honest with you


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## SunnyT

Well, they ALMOST went to the male strip show.... she MAY have told you that that is what was happening, if it happened. But since they didn't go anywhere anyway, and have no plans to, then it's all moot. 

Date your wife more. Woo her. 

If you trust your wife, then trust your wife. IME.... women rarely, if ever, are working at getting someone else laid. Friends might be a bad influence, but you should trust your wife to be grown and make mature decisions. Unless, of course, you have reason not to. 

Do your part to make the marriage a wonderful part of her life that she would appreciate and not want to screw up anyway. (Not saying that you aren't...)

Just don't say anything, give her a hug.... and figure out how to boost her sex drive!


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## Amplexor

Zombie thread. Closed


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