# Husband Caught Cheating with Men on Snapchat - Now Admits he is Bicurious



## judy564 (6 mo ago)

This week, I found out that my husband has been bicurious his whole life, and has been cheating on me with other men over Snapchat for the last 8 months. I could tell something was going on, but he repeatedly lied to me about it, said that I was trying to control him, and that I was only suspicious because of my baggage from being cheated on by my college boyfriend (something that took me 2 years of counseling to get over).

It took 2 days for him to finally and fully admit that this was actually cheating (and to even delete his fake Snapchat account!). Until then he was saying that it wasn't cheating, because it was with men and only online, so he didn't see how it had anything to do with me. He also says that he would have never done anything in person...but during the lying, he told me that he wanted to visit some of these "guy friends" that he had become close to.

He now tells me that he understands that he created an alternate reality in his head where this was ok, and wouldn't hurt me. And that he understands that this was cheating and wrong. He promises he will never do this again. But still admits that a part of him wonders if he would have enjoyed this type of encounter if he had felt comfortable exploring this before we met. I have been clear with him that I am NOT comfortable with him exploring this and then coming back to me. He chose me when we got married, and that choice should stand, regardless of his revelations about himself.

We have been married for 15 years, and together for longer. We have three children, and don't have the strongest marriage to begin with because of the busy lives that has created. I am so torn on what to do. I found a similar post on here from 2012, and Shy_guy's description of his desires exactly matches my husband's (he is disgusted by anal sex between men, has no desire to have a romantic relationship with guys, only likes "manly" men). However he ended his post by saying that he loved his wife too much to ever act on his desires.

Has anyone else had this experience, and been able to recover their marriage after it?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you just look at the numbers, it goes something like this. 

If someone is 100% hetersexual, they are going to have temptations and curiosities and yearnings for roughly 50% of the world's population. 

If someone is bisexual, bump that up to 100%

Some people think that they should get some kind of "pass" and that it isn't really cheating or should not cause any kind of deal-breaker if it is a same sex scenario. 

To a lot of spouse's, that technicality does not matter. 

Can a bisexual person choose to not act on their desires to hook up with someone of the same gender? Yeah sure. Heterosexuals do that every day of their lives once they commit to exclusivity with one person. 

In the end, it's going to come down to what you are willing to live with. There are a few women out there that don't care that much that their partner has some same-sex fantasies or whatever and don't see it as as much of a threat than other women. 

But a lot of women lose so much respect and admiration and desire for a man once she finds out he is not completely straight that she cannot continue to function in a traditional marriage and sex life and such with him anymore. 

So it's probably not about him and whether he can keep from cheating on you or pursuing a gay/bi lifestyle with other dudes. 
The more likely scenario is you losing respect and esteem and desire for him knowing he is gay/bi and not being able to continue the marriage.


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## judy564 (6 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> If you just look at the numbers, it goes something like this.
> 
> If someone is 100% hetersexual, they are going to have temptations and curiosities and yearnings for roughly 50% of the world's population.
> 
> ...


I have already thought deeply about that, and I have not lost respect for him for realizing this about himself. I actually feel so bad for him that he has kept this in his whole life. I know that must have been painful. I really wish that he had told me about this before he acted on it, as I would have been open to watching gay porn together with him, so it is something we could have explored together. But he didn't give me that choice. He now fully regrets that.

So this is completely about whether I can trust him, and how he can rebuild that trust.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

judy564 said:


> I have already thought deeply about that, and I have not lost respect for him for realizing this about himself. I actually feel so bad for him that he has kept this in his whole life. I know that must have been painful. I really wish that he had told me about this before he acted on it, as I would have been open to watching gay porn together with him, so it is something we could have explored together. But he didn't give me that choice. He now fully regrets that.
> 
> So this is completely about whether I can trust him, and how he can rebuild that trust.


Trust is always a two-way street. 

In order for someone to fully express their desires and curiosities and yearnings etc, they have to have trust that the other won't judge them negatively or dump them or mock them or lose esteem in them etc. 

If you are sincerely wanting to stay together and have a happy and healthy relationship together etc, this may need some professional therapy to peel back all these layers and address these these issues and find management techniques and solutions etc for them. 

I will warn you, some people here are triggered by any mention of the word porn and think that it is 100% bad and destructive 100% of the time. 

A few believe it can have it's place and can be of benefit if explored together and can open meaningful dialogue that can then progress to meaningful collaboration. 

The same is true with any hint of infidelity. Many people are on this website due to being cheated on and any hint of infidelity and they automatically think should result in immediate divorce. 

You'll hear a variety of perspectives and ideas. pick and choose what you believe is useful to you.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

judy564 said:


> I have already thought deeply about that, and I have not lost respect for him for realizing this about himself. I actually feel so bad for him that he has kept this in his whole life. I know that must have been painful. I really wish that he had told me about this before he acted on it, as I would have been open to watching gay porn together with him, so it is something we could have explored together. But he didn't give me that choice. He now fully regrets that.
> 
> So this is completely about whether I can trust him, and how he can rebuild that trust.


 it is only painful if you have experience of it , 
I married a woman that had been raped , the rape coupled with up bringing had a impact on our early days sex life 
from my experience the fact I did not have sex with other women before was a important , 
you don't know what your missing makes it less missed ,


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

judy564 said:


> I have already thought deeply about that, and I have not lost respect for him for realizing this about himself. I actually feel so bad for him that he has kept this in his whole life. I know that must have been painful. I really wish that he had told me about this before he acted on it, as I would have been open to watching gay porn together with him, so it is something we could have explored together. But he didn't give me that choice. He now fully regrets that.
> 
> So this is completely about whether I can trust him, and how he can rebuild that trust.


Wow, that would have been generous of you to indulge in watching gay porn with him. Why not give him that option now? Maybe that will help him get over his bi-curiosity.

Trust is earned, so give him the chance to earn your trust back. If he watches gay porn ONLY with you, and stays engaged with you sexually, including keeping you satisfied, maybe there's hope trust can be restored.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Watching gay porn would likely only fuel the temptation to try it in reality. I personally think it best to put some heavy thinking into this. I don’t think his urges will go away, and I think he will eventually cheat.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ah_sorandy said:


> Wow, that would have been generous of you to indulge in watching gay porn with him. Why not give him that option now? Maybe that will help him get over his bi-curiosity.
> 
> Trust is earned, so give him the chance to earn your trust back. If he watches gay porn ONLY with you, and stays engaged with you sexually, including keeping you satisfied, maybe there's hope trust can be restored.


 this is what makes this place good , because I could not disagree more with this


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Watching gay porn would likely only fuel the temptation to try it in reality. I personally think it best to put some heavy thinking into this. I don’t think his urges will go away, and I think he will eventually cheat.


Maybe. Maybe not. 

By that logic, any heterosexual that watches heterosexual porn together as a couple will cheat. 

Does cheating go on in the heterosexual world? Well duh. Have some of those people watched porn together as a couple? I dunno probably some of them yeah. 

But I think we do need to distinguish between some guy sitting in the dark spanking to porn alone with his own thoughts and fantasies, vs a couple exploring together as a couple and using it a discussion piece and working through complex and confusing feelings and desires as a couple. 

In a sense every couple has to do that regardless of their sexual orientation. They may not have to use porn as each individual's beliefs and values and moral compass will determine how they feel about porn. 

But as she has said, she would have been willing to explore gay porn with him together, That's a pretty dang big indicator that she is open minded and willing to explore a variety of sexual paradigms and outlets and at least be willing to have some open and meaningful dialogue.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Watching gay porn would likely only fuel the temptation to try it in reality. I personally think it best to put some heavy thinking into this. I don’t think his urges will go away, and I think he will eventually cheat.


Yes, but trying to ignore and shame him won't make a difference either. If the OP tries to help him through it by showing compassion, and allowing him to explore it by watching gay porn with him, maybe he comes to realize it was all just a fantasy never to be acted upon.

One way or the other, divorce might be the result. At least the OP can walk away knowing she gave her all to save her marriage.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> this is what makes this place good , because I could not disagree more with this


Agreed. She can be compassionate toward him without humiliating herself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Trust is always a two-way street.
> 
> In order for someone to fully express their desires and curiosities and yearnings etc, they have to have trust that the other won't judge them negatively or dump them or mock them or lose esteem in them etc.
> 
> ...


It's not about being 'triggered', at least not in my case, it's about realising and understanding that porn has very negative effects on a marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Agreed. She can be compassionate toward him without humiliating herself.


Whether she is humiliated or not depends on her attitudes, beliefs, values and mores. 

She appears to be open minded and willing to discuss complex topics to reach solutions. 

What may make you feel "humiliated" may not be humiliating to her and vice versa.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ah_sorandy said:


> Yes, but trying to ignore and shame him won't make a difference either.


Oh yes it will! That would be a sure way to have everything blow up. 

I know you didn't mean that ignoring him and shaming him would be an acceptable solution or that it really would be irrelevant, but I couldn't let it go without some kind of response.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sometimes I forget everyone doesn’t think like me…. So I’m saying I’m not the best to understand this guy or his motivations.
The thing is, he’s been cheating for 8 months on his wife. That’s not a good indication for future behavior under any circumstances.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The fact is that he has repeatedly cheated and whether that is with men or women it's still cheating.
So it's about whether you can accept that or trust him not to do it in the future.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

judy564 said:


> This week, I found out that my husband has been bicurious his whole life, and has been cheating on me with other men over Snapchat for the last 8 months. I could tell something was going on, but he repeatedly lied to me about it, said that I was trying to control him, and that I was only suspicious because of my baggage from being cheated on by my college boyfriend (something that took me 2 years of counseling to get over).
> 
> It took 2 days for him to finally and fully admit that this was actually cheating (and to even delete his fake Snapchat account!). Until then he was saying that it wasn't cheating, because it was with men and only online, so he didn't see how it had anything to do with me. He also says that he would have never done anything in person...but during the lying, he told me that he wanted to visit some of these "guy friends" that he had become close to.


So just to be clear on this....the cheating was limited to online-only, emotional affairs/flirting with no actual physical affairs and no actual meeting of these guys?

Or did he actually meet these men in person?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

judy564 said:


> This week, I found out that my husband has been bicurious his whole life, and has been cheating on me with other men over Snapchat for the last 8 months. I could tell something was going on, but he repeatedly lied to me about it, said that I was trying to control him, and that I was only suspicious because of my baggage from being cheated on by my college boyfriend (something that took me 2 years of counseling to get over).
> 
> It took 2 days for him to finally and fully admit that this was actually cheating (and to even delete his fake Snapchat account!). Until then he was saying that it wasn't cheating, because it was with men and only online, so he didn't see how it had anything to do with me. He also says that he would have never done anything in person...but during the lying, he told me that he wanted to visit some of these "guy friends" that he had become close to.
> 
> ...


 I've dated bi guys before in the distant past, but that's quite different from being married. 

I had a close male friend who I thought was gay all the way even though he had been married once when young but that is not that uncommon. he lived with a couple of gay partners long-term before and then surprised everyone by marrying a woman. This was during the AIDS epidemic. He did not tell her he had been living a gay lifestyle. 

Their situation at the time was that sex was pretty much out of the relationship due to physical and medical problems with both of them. She was morbidly obese despite a gastric bypass. He had to have a new hip put in and also had other medical issues. They really loved and cared about each other and they had no children because they were both a little older when they got together, say in the 40s. 

He became restless for men again as he started recuperating a little physically. She eventually found out. From then on anything sexual was certainly off the table for her but I think all of that was pretty much off the table anyway so they were used to that to some extent. 

It was discovered eventually that in addition to all his diagnosed problems, there was a cancer that have been overlooked because it was assumed all his pain was from the hip replacement which he had to have done twice. So it had advanced and he died young. 

They didn't divorce. They really did care about each other. But he had some lying problems anyway and it was wrong with him not to tell her what was going on. 

I realize this is not very helpful. I would just caution that sex drive is so strong in a lot of men that they are going to satisfy those curiosities. 

It isn't the huge danger it used to be, but it is not marriage. I would be very surprised if he hasn't already experimented. I would hope he would have done it before marriage maybe found out it wasn't his first choice, but it sounds like he's still in the middle of it. 

I don't really see accepting that he'll never act on it because you're always going to have doubts. But what you do with that info is up to you and the benefit of your family.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

judy564 said:


> _*This week, I found out that my husband has been bicurious his whole life, and has been cheating on me with other men over Snapchat for the last 8 months. *_


It's highly likely he passed the point of "bicurious" *a long time ago*.

OP, stop being so naive for God's sake. Up until you caught him, he was doing a damned good job of lying to you about who he was and was very successful at looking right into your face and lying with a smile on his mouth, wasn't he? My point is that he's VERY ADEPT at lying to you and it doesn't bother him in the least. So just because you found *one *of his sex profiles and he swore he never met any men, why would you believe a word out of his mouth? He's obviously raised lying to an art form, so why would you think that ANYTHING he's telling you is the truth????? Do you actually think he's suddenly turned into a choir boy just because you caught him, and he's now giving you only the complete truth?

Jeez.

*



He now tells me that he understands that he created an alternate reality in his head where this was ok, and wouldn't hurt me. And that he understands that this was cheating and wrong. He promises he will never do this again. But still admits that a part of him wonders if he would have enjoyed this type of encounter if he had felt comfortable exploring this before we met.

Click to expand...

*Like EVERY SINGLE CHEATER BEFORE HIM, he's simply spewing the same bull-**** they *all *do when they're caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Most of them claim they've had a sudden "epiphany" where they *NOW* realize how 'selfish' and 'wrong' they were, and how they'd created some "alternate reality" where they _mistakenly_ felt they could do what they wanted, and blah blah blah.

LOL...cheaters are SO predictable. You just heard the *standard crap* from him that most betrayed spouses hear - it's right out of the Cheater Handbook, Chapter #2.

He's *not* unique. He's *not* special. And he's *certainly* not innocent.

If you're SMART, you'll get yourself *tested for STDs* as soon as possible. Sorry, but bisexual and gay men are NOT known for their scrupulous 'screening procedures' when they're able to get themselves a little hurried action while the wife is out for a few hours at her book club. Sorry, but they're not.

*PS:* Your husband deleted his SnapChat account NOT to appease you and to show you what a dedicated husband he is, he did it to protect his OWN ass in case you started really digging into his call and texting history and found all the crap that he's still lying to you about. But trust me, it was already wiped clean before he deleted it.

*Rule #1: Cheaters ONLY admit to what you know or can prove.*

Moral of the story: if you think he's suddenly going to fly straight and become Mr. Faithful, then all I can say is good luck to you and I have a bridge I'd like to sell you.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> *PS:* Your husband deleted his SnapChat account NOT to appease you and to show you what a dedicated husband he is, he did it to protect his OWN ass in case you started really digging into his call and texting history and found all the crap that he's still lying to you about. But trust me, it was already wiped clean before he deleted it.


I've never used SnapChat, but I thought the whole point of it was that everything vanished after a few minutes anyway. So how could there be a trail of evidence from it?
Maybe I'm wrong about it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’sstillgotit told you the honest truth. What you do with it us up to you OP


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## Brian from Columbus (Dec 9, 2020)

judy564 said:


> I have already thought deeply about that, and I have not lost respect for him for realizing this about himself. I actually feel so bad for him that he has kept this in his whole life. I know that must have been painful. I really wish that he had told me about this before he acted on it, as I would have been open to watching gay porn together with him, so it is something we could have explored together. But he didn't give me that choice. He now fully regrets that.
> 
> So this is completely about whether I can trust him, and how he can rebuild that trust.


my wife has a thing for gay (male) porn. I agreed to watch with her occasionally, and pretty soon, yep, it was obvious I was as wildly excited as she was…. She lit up like a light bulb. NO there are no men involved, but hot wild playful role play, and her confidence soars when she’s standing over me and I’m “on my knees”. Wildly thrills both of us, sharing, not cheating


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