# Advice needed, seperated.



## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

Hello all, I’m looking for an opinion or a different perspective to what I am feeling and going through. 

Before getting married me and my wife met online, we spoke for a month then stopped as she said she was seeing someone else. A couple months later she got back in touch and we messaged for a few months, we met up on three dates and both decided we were the ones for one another. 12 months later we wed. Red flags were clear from the start but I was oblivious and caught up in a whirlwind romance.

A month prior to getting married she told me she had met her ex (after I had proposed and put a ring on her) she told me he had been messaging her online. She stated she wanted to get revenge on him for leaving her - this is her idea of revenge, hear this one out. So she claims she “pretended” she was single and agreed to meet him where they usually met, in a car park in there cars. Then she tells me that nothing happened, she sat in his car and when he advanced on her for sex she up and left. 

I asked her how this is revenge? She said by her telling him she won’t be with him and leaving that was her way of getting her own back. This left me reeling, I was confused and 4 weeks away from the wedding. She said she had to tell me as she was worried he would. I was livid, I called her mother and had a sit down talk with my soon to be wife and mother in law. The mil hadn’t her back all the way saying nothing happened and it was her way of getting one over on him. I said to then wouldn’t the best way to get revenge on an ex be - here’s a ring on my finger, your loss?!

So anyway I went through with the wedding, I put family first and didn’t want to disappoint anyone (big mistake)

Couple of months on, I told her I vape now and again and she hit the roof. One day while I was at work she went through all my old cupboards and found old lighters and boxes of cigarettes and other memorabilia from a trip to Amsterdam. She hit the roof, she took pictures of them and sent them to me. She showed everything to my mother and packed her bags to leave. By the time I got back from work she had locked her self away. I went to sleep in a different room and she woke me up to scream the house down.

Moving on, Christmas time. She kicked up a huge fuss as I brought her gifts which was not to her liking, first Christmas as a family ruined by her.

Two months later we buy a business together and my parents move in with the two of us. She stopped talking to my mother shortly after and dropped hints for them to leave. We were expecting a baby which we lost, things gradually got worse. She became violent after seeing old messages on my phone from two years ago which I didn’t delete as they were harmless, arguments excelled and she started throwing things, a table lamp at my head as I lay trying to sleep.

She verbally abused my parents and they moved out. On an other occasion when my uncle said he was coming to visit she would argue throughout the night, jump out of the car while I was driving and storm off to her parents in the middle of the night.

This was stressful.

Even after my parents left me and her were not getting on. She would spend time with her family and come home and be so aggressive to me and talk about finicials from my side of the family for the business we had.

Cut a long story short two months ago we had an argument in the morning and she slapped and punched the back of my head (not the first time) I had enough I left and went back to my parents for two weeks. Her family came over and apologised and grovelled for me to give her one more chance. She says her anger is from losing the baby which I understand but it’s not only her who was affected. It’s almost an excuse for her actions.

I went back for a month and during that time we had two major arguments which went on in to the middle of the night which led me to have to get out of the house and take a drive for an hour to get away. I went to see her family and explained the arguments were still happening, they got some reason found reasons to blame me for her anger, for example the Sunday before I went and stayed at my parents house and for that she was entitled to be angry and abusive.

The last straw was when her parents started calling up my family members and grandparents saying that I had not invited them to a family function, this was all planned by my wife and them. I could not handle the plotting behind my back and left for the second time, and I’ll not be going back.

She keeps stating that her verbal arguments and violence stems from losing the baby but I can’t mentally cope being in a toxic enviorment.

Sorry for the long post but I would like advice, I have given her chances however something is not right


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Why haven't you filed for divorce yet? Are you going to wait to recover from being poisoned by her for an insurance payout?

Wake up. She is venom.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Why do you expect her family to take your side against her,they will stick together because they are as bad as each other.
There is a saying that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Neither does the nut.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I have seen this before - your wife is a psycho! Her family know that there is something wrong with her mentally and are glad that you have taken her off their hands. Her ex must also know that she is bat sh!t crazy and you will probably get some insight into her from him.

Get out of this! File now.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir, live with this just a wee bit longer. Wait for her to assault you once more. Then pick up the phone and dial 911. Have her charged with domestic violence. Make sure that she is arrested and taken away. Then start the divorce. You will also be able to effect a restraining order against her. Do this, as she is mentally unstable and her family wants you to do the heavy lifting with her. You can do much better. Let her hit you. I say this from experience, as one of my high school buddies was being regularly punched, kicked and finally cut by his wife. Everytime he threatened to call the police she would say, "Who are they going to believe, the 225lb 6'5" ex-jock or the 120lb little girl?" He was frightened that this could all be turned around on him. Simple, actually. I assigned one of our PI's that specialized in miniature electronics to pay him a visit while his wife was out. In 15minutes the place was wired with mini-cams, all reporting back to my pc, and his. She does the expected within a few days. This time he calls the police, and she starts screaming that he hit her.

Then, he says to the officers that I have it on video. She takes a shlt on the floor. She attacks him with the laptop in his hands, literally launched herself in a murderous rage. She is promptly tackled and cuffed. She sits on their couch in cuffs while the police watch her assault her husband. They stand her up, arrest her, and take her to the station. She is screaming that she will get him. The restraining order against her means that she cannot even drive through their neighborhood. Her parents are livid with her, as they are spending a fortune trying to keep her out of jail, my buddy has filed for divorce. Luckily, the children are grown and out. We expect to ream her out. She has laid claim to everything, however, he is counter suing for a litany of stuff that she will find difficulty defending, given the recordings, and since all of this is out in the open, we have secured depositions from neighbors and friends. She at the least will be attending court mandated anger management sessions, and likely losing everything but her clothing. Best thing: They're both amateur actors, and every time he gets a part, she can't even audition. Wanna see a woman vibrate with anger? Last audition, she walked in while he was reading. She had to leave. She wanted a part in that play, BUT she can't be in the same room with him, unless she wants a night in the can.

Edit: She has been charged with assault with intent, she is being sued for divorce, she is being sued for economic damages as a result of her assault (psychological damage resulting in the necessity of a long term absence from work-and We will win, all the judge has to see is photos of deep cuts to his torso (don't ask, this convinced me she is a psycho), facial lacerations and a couple of xrays)


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Sorry Man, this started bad, this went bad and it's getting much worse.

Many of us on her thought we had good marriages for 10+ years, a lot of people on her 20 and 30+ years and it was hard for us to get over that. What we had vested, what we thought the marriage was. This one, like I said, has been not right throughout, barring a week here or there or a month's time.

You will need IC sooner than later. For what you are going through, what you are about to go through and frankly, why you got married to someone in a 'whirlwind' as you said.

She needs IC more than you. No marriage counseling or couples counseling will solve this since this involves things that are really out of the ordinary, even for couples that have 'problems'.


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

Thanks for all the feedback. I will be starting divorce proceedings but letting the dust settle, I have one thought over the line as I have left and won’t be going back. It’s just confusing how someone can have such anger and hatred in them one day but the next be fine. When I highlight the arguments from a few weeks ago she claims they are in the past and also stated she has made improvements as she hasn’t hit me again.

Her parents fill her mind with rubbish, her mother to my face has even called me a liar and claims I have used them (god knows what I’ve used them for)

I also pointed out that mentally something is not right to which they all dismissed.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

foggyday said:


> Thanks for all the feedback. I will be starting divorce proceedings but letting the dust settle, I have one thought over the line as I have left and won’t be going back. It’s just confusing how someone can have such anger and hatred in them one day but the next be fine. When I highlight the arguments from a few weeks ago she claims they are in the past and also stated she has made improvements as she hasn’t hit me again.
> 
> Her parents fill her mind with rubbish, her mother to my face has even called me a liar and claims I have used them (god knows what I’ve used them for)
> 
> I also pointed out that mentally something is not right to which they all dismissed.


I would stop mentioning the mental issues, you said your piece and now it's only going to make things worse. Many with mental issues or personality disorders are the last to realize it and don't want to hear it. I brought up the same with my STBXW. She is either a victim of CSA or Bi-Polar or both. I brought up the BP stuff to her and her family. Family actually agrees, as others in the family have had it. HER, she takes offense to it and uses it as more reason to think I am a fool or judgmental in her eyes.

When people have these demons, they build up walls, they push away people and things and they sometimes act out like your wife. 

She most likely does have a personality disorder but you are the LAST person she is going to take advice from on it. She will use the lost baby as a crutch, sadly and I know you will tread lightly around that out of respect but that's not it. My STBXW's mother died of cancer when she was in early 40s. I always thought that was behind my wife's depression, anger, and resentment but learned through her family, she was like this before her mom died, her whole life she was like this essentially.

I am a fixer, a helper a giver. I gave 20 years of my life to try and help my wife. It didn't work, thought it did at some point but then the last year happened and I tried to fix again but you can't fix people like that and in my case, certainly can help or fix people that don't want help or think they need to be fixed. The only person that can really fix them, is themselves. We can help guide and after the divorce, others should help guide but who knows if that will happen. Not your problem. The more you try to help, it will actually get worse.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

foggyday said:


> Thanks for all the feedback. I will be starting divorce proceedings but letting the dust settle, I have one thought over the line as I have left and won’t be going back. *It’s just confusing how someone can have such anger and hatred in them one day but the next be fine. When I highlight the arguments from a few weeks ago she claims they are in the past and also stated she has made improvements as she hasn’t hit me again.
> *
> Her parents fill her mind with rubbish, her mother to my face has even called me a liar and claims I have used them (god knows what I’ve used them for)
> 
> I also pointed out that mentally something is not right to which they all dismissed.


She is like that, because she is crazy. Bat **** Crazy, nuts, time for the loony bin crazy. 

Get out ASAP


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"Her family came over and apologised and grovelled for me to give her one more chance. She says her anger is from losing the baby which I understand but it’s not only her who was affected"
PURE BS. Her anger has nothing to do with that - she was abusive BEFORE that happened (although I am sorry that you lost your child -- very heartbreaking to have to go through that).

Her family knows she has issues and hopes to bs you into taking care of her.

"The last straw was when her parents started calling up my family members and grandparents saying that I had not invited them to a family function, this was all planned by my wife and them"
Show that her family isn't wrapped to tight either!

I would keep a VAR on you at ALL TIMES when dealing with her and/or her family. If you have to go back to the house to get anything, have either a police officer with you, or a number of friends so that she can't make up stories to have you arrested.... Please be careful with her....

I also DO think that she had one last fling with the exBF....


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

You are a victim of domestic violence. For your own sake and safety, please get out and divorce this woman as quickly as possible. Get a restraining order.

Her family sounds like a bunch of enablers.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Foggy, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy (e.g., of 2-year-old messages), temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, controlling demands, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your STBXW has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, I'm suggesting she may exhibit strong traits of BPD.



> She became violent... she started throwing things, a table lamp at my head as I lay trying to sleep.... she slapped and punched the back of my head.


The repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse is strongly associated with having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD. This is why "Intense, inappropriate anger" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Indeed, the terms "anger," "dangerous behavior," and "unstable" appear in 4 of the 9 symptoms for BPD. See 9 Traits at BPDdemystified .

If your STBXW is a "BPDer" (i.e., exhibits behavior on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.



> It’s just confusing how someone can have such anger and hatred in them one day but the next be fine.


Foggy, _"Swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)"_ is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. If she is a BPDer, her feelings can go from one polar extreme to the other in just a few seconds. It will be so quick that it will seem like she has flipped a switch in her mind. BPDers can flip very quickly from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly. 

These rapid flips arise from _"black-white thinking."_ Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate) at the same time. A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. Her subconscious solves this problem by "splitting off" the strong conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. This way, she only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time.

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away). This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

If your STBXW is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a hissy fit in only ten seconds over very minor actions or comments. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.



> She stated she has made improvements as she hasn’t hit me again.


If she actually is a BPDer, you should expect to see periods of dramatic improvement periodically. That is how emotionally unstable people behave. Like the smokers who are always throwing their "last pack" every two months, a BPDer typically makes dramatic gains in her behavior for weeks at a time. But, remember, even a roller coaster will be seen making dramatic gains half the time.



> She keeps stating that her verbal arguments and violence stems from losing the baby.


If that is true, you should ignore everything I'm saying about BPD. It is believed to be a persistent, lifetime condition that is fully developed by age five and typically starts showing strong symptoms by the early teens. From what you stated above, however, her anger issues started showing early in your relationship -- well before you lost the baby.

A BPDer's symptoms typically disappear entirely only during the courtships period, at which time her infatuation convinces her that you pose no threat because you are the nearly perfect man who has arrived to save her from unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation holds her two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at bay. Yet, as soon as the infatuation starts fading -- usually about 4 to 6 months into the R/S -- both fears return and you will start triggering them.



> Advice needed.


My advice is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you are dealing with. If your STBXW really is a BPDer, your divorce almost certainly will get very nasty very quickly. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your STBXW exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as physical abuse, verbal abuse, and rapid flips between adoring and hating you.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your STBXW's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. I also would be happy to suggest a good book and helpful online articles. Take care, Foggy.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Personal to @honcho,

Where is your wife now and what is she doing?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

foggyday said:


> Thanks for all the feedback. I will be starting divorce proceedings but letting the dust settle, I have one thought over the line as I have left and won’t be going back. It’s just confusing how someone can have such anger and hatred in them one day but the next be fine. When I highlight the arguments from a few weeks ago she claims they are in the past and also stated she has made improvements as she hasn’t hit me again.
> 
> Her parents fill her mind with rubbish, her mother to my face has even called me a liar and claims I have used them (god knows what I’ve used them for)
> 
> I also pointed out that mentally something is not right to which they all dismissed.


Don't try and convince them something is wrong with her, the more you do the more they will convince themselves your the out of control one. 

The dust will never settle, she will suck you back into some sort of drama and give up talking to her family. She learned this behavior from them. You'll never figure out why she has these swings in emotion. Your best off filing sooner rather than later given these "mood" swings of hers. She likely to get you in trouble with some made up claim after an argument to win the battle in her mind. 
@ReturntoZero I sent you a pm


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> Don't try and convince them something is wrong with her, the more you do the more they will convince themselves your the out of control one.
> 
> The dust will never settle, she will suck you back into some sort of drama and give up talking to her family. She learned this behavior from them. You'll never figure out why she has these swings in emotion. Your best off filing sooner rather than later given these "mood" swings of hers. She likely to get you in trouble with some made up claim after an argument to win the battle in her mind.
> 
> @ReturntoZero I sent you a pm


I asked because this thread sounded exactly like her.


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

The first time I walked out and tried to go NC she sent me numerous text messages apologising, sent me pictures / videos of the two of us and claimed she wanted to rebuild, reconcile and move on. Since the second time I have left (for good) she again has tried to do the same, sending me the “I miss / love you and can’t live with our you / need to work this out” messages, two over the past week.

For the record the first time I left she actually thought I had left and when I did go back found the very few remaining items that were mine in a small cardboard box and learnt how she contacted a relevant company to potentially sell our business. She also told me that if I had not come back she would have left and gone abridged to work / live.
@honcho I can’t see your original threads can you send me a link to read your posts please as someone mentioned there may be a similar pattern? 

Thank you all again for giving your opinions


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

foggyday said:


> The first time I walked out and tried to go NC she sent me numerous text messages apologising, sent me pictures / videos of the two of us and claimed she wanted to rebuild, reconcile and move on. Since the second time I have left (for good) she again has tried to do the same, sending me the “I miss / love you and can’t live with our you / need to work this out” messages, two over the past week.
> 
> For the record the first time I left she actually thought I had left and when I did go back found the very few remaining items that were mine in a small cardboard box and learnt how she contacted a relevant company to potentially sell our business. She also told me that if I had not come back she would have left and gone abridged to work / live.
> @honcho I can’t see your original threads can you send me a link to read your posts please as someone mentioned there may be a similar pattern?
> ...


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...130-how-do-i-least-make-one-last-attempt.html
@foggyday hope the link works. 

She will try and get you to re engage her, it's part of the push-pull dynamic but she most likely won't change her ways. Her inability to manage her emotions like a child is very hard to change. Read some of the links @Uptown included, you'll find a great deal of information relevant to your situation.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

she sounds plain CRAZY. please don't get her pregnant but a divorce. find yourself a good woman.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...130-how-do-i-least-make-one-last-attempt.html
> 
> @foggyday hope the link works.
> 
> She will try and get you to re engage her, it's part of the push-pull dynamic but she most likely won't change her ways. Her inability to manage her emotions like a child is very hard to change. Read some of the links @Uptown included, you'll find a great deal of information relevant to your situation.


honcho,

I read your first post again - after 5 years.

Sounds like foggy is dealing with your ex, doesn't it?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

ReturntoZero said:


> honcho,
> 
> I read your first post again - after 5 years.
> 
> Sounds like foggy is dealing with your ex, doesn't it?


In some ways yes, my ex had a hair trigger for anger but she never hit me. Her family all had "anger management" issues and I swore they were only happy yelling at each other. Right now foggy stbx is trying to reel him back so she is engulfing him with texts etc but once that angle doesn't work she will flip and will go to the other extreme which is why I said the dust will never settle for him. His best bet is to file quickly before she flips because once she does she won't play fair and it will turn much uglier if she is driving the divorce train.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> In some ways yes, my ex had a hair trigger for anger but she never hit me. Her family all had "anger management" issues and I swore they were only happy yelling at each other. Right now foggy stbx is trying to reel him back so she is engulfing him with texts etc but once that angle doesn't work she will flip and will go to the other extreme which is why I said the dust will never settle for him. His best bet is to file quickly before she flips because once she does she won't play fair and it will turn much uglier if she is driving the divorce train.


You realize this establishes you as his "expert"

If you want to engage him as a "safe man" to dump his feelings via pm or email, that would be a great help to him.

You can predict her every single move - and why.

I hope you are willing and he will take you up on it.

It just sounded so familiar, I wanted to draw the analogy.


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

Thanks @ReturntoZero and @honcho and everyone else. Having read your thread honcho I do symptomise with you and sorry to hear what has happened. In comparison to my relationship, I was the one who walked out having reasons ranging from the slapping, verbal abuse, demands for money from my parents to repay her family for a business (which they suggested buying us ) and then her family intervening by calling various members of my family to claim I wasn’t a nice person as I failed to invite them to a family function.

In your case you knew your wife was on medication for several years, I still to this date don’t even know if there was previous history for anger. Having brought this up with her family it fell on deaf ears. In fact, what I found strange is her younger siblings have a huge lack of personality, freedom and there is no character about them. This in my opinion is due to the fact my wife and along with her parents are strong, vocal and quite frightening. The siblings are all young adults who evidently live in fear which I find strange although they would never admit this and actually find their lives to be normal.

Over the past week two messages from the wife have been sent stating how she misses and can not live with out me. Now, I’m not being selfish but if anyone wanted some one back I would have expected a bombardment of messages (I have done this in my younger years when I was loosing a partner who I was actually in love with). That aside, this is deja vu as 2 months ago I walked out and the same type of messages were sent. 

The strangest thing was when I returned to give it one more go (at her request and her parents) I noticed the few remaining items of my belongings in a box, the business we have jointly was receiving calls from an estate agent whom the wife hadn’t been in touch with to potentially sell AND she said she would have moved abroad to start a new life to avoid the shame of being a divorced woman from where we come from.

She’s actually quite a smart woman to have had all that prepared the last time I walked out, I shudder to think what Shen May have prepared this time knowing I won’t Ben coming back.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Foggy,

The thing that honcho's ex, my wife, your wife, and so many others have in common is that they just don't see it.

How old is your wife?


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

ReturntoZero said:


> Foggy,
> 
> The thing that honcho's ex, my wife, your wife, and so many others have in common is that they just don't see it.
> 
> How old is your wife?


Perhaps so, on the other hand they see everything clearly and it's a get out clause from their part in some mysterious way, god knows. Both early thirties


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

foggyday said:


> Perhaps so, on the other hand they see everything clearly and it's a get out clause from their part in some mysterious way, god knows. Both early thirties


My wife is absolutely the best mother you can imagine, unless the children are hers.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

foggyday said:


> Thanks @ReturntoZero and @honcho and everyone else. Having read your thread honcho I do symptomise with you and sorry to hear what has happened. In comparison to my relationship, I was the one who walked out having reasons ranging from the slapping, verbal abuse, demands for money from my parents to repay her family for a business (which they suggested buying us ) and then her family intervening by calling various members of my family to claim I wasn’t a nice person as I failed to invite them to a family function.
> 
> In your case you knew your wife was on medication for several years, I still to this date don’t even know if there was previous history for anger. Having brought this up with her family it fell on deaf ears. In fact, what I found strange is her younger siblings have a huge lack of personality, freedom and there is no character about them. This in my opinion is due to the fact my wife and along with her parents are strong, vocal and quite frightening. The siblings are all young adults who evidently live in fear which I find strange although they would never admit this and actually find their lives to be normal.
> 
> ...


My ex taking meds did smooth out her emotional swings to a point. Before she started them she had lost several jobs and I was ready to leave because of the b**ching and arguing. In looking back though all that happened was managing a symptom rather that finding a cure to the true issue. The family dynamic is similar my ex and her mother especially were loud and overbearing and the rest of her siblings were "sheep" and always ran to mommy for approval before doing anything which for 30-40 year Olds just isnt normal, at least in my Lil world. Your stbx grew up in dysfunction from what you wrote. This is what makes it so hard to change, it this families normal. 

Her family would just lie to you if you tried digging into any past anger issues, my ex''s family did, most of what I eventually learned was from her old high school friends or old neighbors, people like that. 

Your on the right path, you've left and are staying away. File and put this relationship in the past.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> Her family would just lie to you if you tried digging into any past anger issues, my ex''s family did, most of what I eventually learned was from her old high school friends or old neighbors, people like that.


foggy,

Do you have any resources like this? Unbiased - who actually observed her when younger?


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

ReturntoZero said:


> honcho said:
> 
> 
> > Her family would just lie to you if you tried digging into any past anger issues, my ex''s family did, most of what I eventually learned was from her old high school friends or old neighbors, people like that.
> ...


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

ReturntoZero said:


> honcho said:
> 
> 
> > Her family would just lie to you if you tried digging into any past anger issues, my ex''s family did, most of what I eventually learned was from her old high school friends or old neighbors, people like that.
> ...


And to add to my last post they live far away so I have met them once since being wed.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

SIr, you are well rid of these awful people. Let them repackage her to some other guy.


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

Been 2 week s no contact from my side. She has sent a couple of text messages and an email today saying she wants to try again and make us work. I have taken her off all social media and the majority of my family have taken her off too yet wife still has pictures of me, I find this confusing.

She knew the last straw was when her parents meddled in and started calling my family putting the blame on me.

Every time I get a message from her it’s casts doubt in my head and a small percentage of me thinks she can change but deep down bridges have been burned. I’ll never forgive her parents for wading in against me, it wasn’t fair for them to do that.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

foggyday said:


> Been 2 week s no contact from my side. She has sent a couple of text messages and an email today saying she wants to try again and make us work. I have taken her off all social media and the majority of my family have taken her off too yet wife still has pictures of me, I find this confusing.
> 
> She knew the last straw was when her parents meddled in and started calling my family putting the blame on me.
> 
> Every time I get a message from her it’s casts doubt in my head and a small percentage of me thinks she can change but deep down bridges have been burned. I’ll never forgive her parents for wading in against me, it wasn’t fair for them to do that.


Just remind yourself the reasons you know she was a terrible partner.

Also, remind yourself that in order to try to love her, you will have to allow yourself to be punished by her subconsciously abusive ways. Then it becomes easy; love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

People can change, it happens all the time, but in 2 weeks really not sure...think about it this way, it takes a person fully committed approximately 30 days to change a habit...but for her to change her behavior in two weeks, i am more incline to believe that she believes she has changed but the moment you response and let you guard down it will eventually comeback, and your back to square 1 with no backbone....but if you truly what to potential suffer through this again....then i would have her write down what exactly has she changed ? and what does it mean to change? what behaviors are not acceptable and why?...have her explain what steps she is taking to prevent this from happening again...and what is she willing to give up if she fails in the future. (example is she willing to give you $1000 for every actions for her relapse).


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Your wife is abusive, and no one needs to put up with that. Personally, if it were me, I would get out quickly. If you do choose to stay, here's what I think needs to happen:

1. She needs to get into therapy to deal with the loss of the baby, and to learn to control her anger
2. Marriage counselling would be of benefit
3. Stop getting your families involved in everything. They're way too involved, and it will create more problems in the future. It was like this in my marriage too. Both my STBXH and I made the mistake of talking to our moms about some of the issues we were having in our marriage. This is not okay, and family should A) never have to deal with your problems; they probably have enough of their own; and B) never be this involved in their children's marriage
4. Use protection when having sex. A baby may be something you both want, but a baby deserves to be brought into a stable household with parents who have a stable relationship. This relationship is the polar opposite of stable.

I don't understand why she felt the need to meet her ex in a car to get her revenge. Her ex is her ex for a reason, and just knowing that she's in a better place with a better match should be enough, one would think.


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> People can change, it happens all the time, but in 2 weeks really not sure...think about it this way, it takes a person fully committed approximately 30 days to change a habit...but for her to change her behavior in two weeks, i am more incline to believe that she believes she has changed but the moment you response and let you guard down it will eventually comeback, and your back to square 1 with no backbone....but if you truly what to potential suffer through this again....then i would have her write down what exactly has she changed ? and what does it mean to change? what behaviors are not acceptable and why?...have her explain what steps she is taking to prevent this from happening again...and what is she willing to give up if she fails in the future. (example is she willing to give you $1000 for every actions for her relapse).


Well this is the second time I have seperated from her. The first was a couple months ago after she was violent. During the time I went back she said she was changing, I asked how, “ she said I’m not using violence now am I?” Yes this is true she wasn’t physical as such (still threw things after one argument though) but her verbal arguments we’re stukl visible on average once every 10 days. 

I don’t know why she now messages me every 5 days or so. Perhaps she could be going through the motions showing her family she’s trying to get back in touch with me. It’s odd, how can she not see that the arguments we’ve had and her parents stirring the pot big time was the last straw. The I love you and miss you messages actually are quite depressing. Rather not hear from her at all


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

foggyday said:


> Thanks for all the feedback. I will be starting divorce proceedings but letting the dust settle, I have one thought over the line as I have left and won’t be going back. It’s just confusing how someone can have such anger and hatred in them one day but the next be fine. When I highlight the arguments from a few weeks ago she claims they are in the past and also stated she has made improvements as she hasn’t hit me again.
> 
> Her parents fill her mind with rubbish, her mother to my face has even called me a liar and claims I have used them (god knows what I’ve used them for)
> 
> I also pointed out that mentally something is not right to which they all dismissed.


She almost sounds bipolar or manic depressive.


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Your wife is abusive, and no one needs to put up with that. Personally, if it were me, I would get out quickly. If you do choose to stay, here's what I think needs to happen:
> 
> 1. She needs to get into therapy to deal with the loss of the baby, and to learn to control her anger
> 2. Marriage counselling would be of benefit
> ...


Thanks for your input. I carried some of the steps you mentioned over the last few months. For example when I first went back I decided it was right to sleep separately to first build on our relationship again. When I did share a bed with her I told her it’s best to use protection, at first she was angered and hurt by this but as I explained it’s not healthy starting a family. She eventually agreed, then lo and behold we argued again (her parents were involved) and after that I again decided to sleep in a different room.

Yes she did say she needs help therapy but it’s as though she’s relying on me to physically take / book it. The hospital did say they offered counselling and she told me she regretted not taking it.

She has a habit of being in constant touch with her family, forever in message group chats with her mum dad. As they lived nearby they were first point of call for her. My parents moved out last summer after she chucked them out so they very rarely get involved (only when her and the family turned up on our doorstep asking for a second chance after I walked the first time)

Her parents are quite religious, well, only on Sundays. They have been taking her to a place of worship for Asians where it’s been known culturally that people with serious issues or problems in the past go too. It’s theur way of cleansing and getting closer to god. The ironic thing is a month ago, she spent a full day there with her family and came back with a chip on her shoulder. We got into an argument that went on untill around 1am based on finances (her side supporting our business more and mine, nothing at all)


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

I don't understand why she felt the need to meet her ex in a car to get her revenge. Her ex is her ex for a reason, and just knowing that she's in a better place with a better match should be enough, one would think.[/QUOTE]

I have told a few people about this and their first response was what the hell? When she first told me I was inches away from ending it and not going through with it.

I thought to myself, maybe it’s my destiny to get married to this girl etc, everything went so quick after meeting a few times and I did feel right only up to her revealing her secret. 

Even after I spoke to her mother about it, I came away thinking that I was the stupid one for over thinking it, they both managed to talk me out of thinking the worse and I almost felt bad for making a deal out of it!

When we have argued I have brought it up, stating I should have seen the red flag earlier. Her response was that she was honest as Shen loved me and that even if it killed her she was going to tell me.

Now if the boot was on the other foot and I met my ex in a car and told her four weeks before the wedding I highly doubt she would have been understanding. In fact, when she found old text messages from girls who I hadn’t even met from a dating site (before I even met her) she flipped and kicked off.

It kind of pains me knowing that while I was on cloud 9, putting a ring on her finger she was leading a double life messaging her ex saying she was single and meeting him. The thought still makes me sick. I could have easily met up with countless women before the wedding but didn’t.

For her to do that AND be an absolute cow to me and my parents is just not right and she seems to think any bad she has done is in the past and if she’s apologiesd for it then it’s forgotten.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think you have your answer...at this point just block her messages they service no purpose other than creating doubt...and if doubt does come into play might i recommend you just re-read your post.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

foggyday said:


> I don't understand why she felt the need to meet her ex in a car to get her revenge. Her ex is her ex for a reason, and just knowing that she's in a better place with a better match should be enough, one would think.


I have told a few people about this and their first response was what the hell? When she first told me I was inches away from ending it and not going through with it.

I thought to myself, maybe it’s my destiny to get married to this girl etc, everything went so quick after meeting a few times and I did feel right only up to her revealing her secret. 

Even after I spoke to her mother about it, I came away thinking that I was the stupid one for over thinking it, they both managed to talk me out of thinking the worse and I almost felt bad for making a deal out of it!

When we have argued I have brought it up, stating I should have seen the red flag earlier. Her response was that she was honest as Shen loved me and that even if it killed her she was going to tell me.

Now if the boot was on the other foot and I met my ex in a car and told her four weeks before the wedding I highly doubt she would have been understanding. In fact, when she found old text messages from girls who I hadn’t even met from a dating site (before I even met her) she flipped and kicked off.

It kind of pains me knowing that while I was on cloud 9, putting a ring on her finger she was leading a double life messaging her ex saying she was single and meeting him. The thought still makes me sick. I could have easily met up with countless women before the wedding but didn’t.

For her to do that AND be an absolute cow to me and my parents is just not right and she seems to think any bad she has done is in the past and if she’s apologiesd for it then it’s forgotten.[/QUOTE]

On this board, we refer to that as "jumping over".

Like it never happened.


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

I need to talk about and consider the feeling of doubt. Some days I wake up and thought out the day I dwell. I think about what if she can change once and for all with the help of a professional. The feeling lingers on all day and it actually is quite depressing. There was so much potential in this relationship but I can’t be held responsible. There are some days that the doubt goes away when I think of the reasons as to why I have left. I’m finding myself caught up between the two.

Secondly, should I be responsible for someone who has anger issues like she admitted? Should I have been or should I be responsible for ensuring she got coucnselling for the miscarriage.

Again I’m caught in two mindsets. Sometimes I feel I should be responsible as her husband and I actually feel sorry for her. 

Other times I think it the fault of her and her family for not getting it diagnosed earlier.

Just my thoughts today.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

foggyday said:


> I need to talk about and consider the feeling of doubt. Some days I wake up and thought out the day I dwell. I think about what if she can change once and for all with the help of a professional. The feeling lingers on all day and it actually is quite depressing. There was so much potential in this relationship but I can’t be held responsible. There are some days that the doubt goes away when I think of the reasons as to why I have left. I’m finding myself caught up between the two.
> 
> Secondly, should I be responsible for someone who has anger issues like she admitted? Should I have been or should I be responsible for ensuring she got coucnselling for the miscarriage.
> 
> ...


What's stopping her from getting help now?


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

ReturntoZero said:


> foggyday said:
> 
> 
> > I need to talk about and consider the feeling of doubt. Some days I wake up and thought out the day I dwell. I think about what if she can change once and for all with the help of a professional. The feeling lingers on all day and it actually is quite depressing. There was so much potential in this relationship but I can’t be held responsible. There are some days that the doubt goes away when I think of the reasons as to why I have left. I’m finding myself caught up between the two.
> ...


If she had mentioned she was getting help during the “i miss you” messages then I’d have taken a different stance on it. 

You maybe right, what is stopping her seeking help during the 2 and a bit weeks of partial no contact?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

foggyday said:


> If she had mentioned she was getting help during the “i miss you” messages then I’d have taken a different stance on it.
> 
> You maybe right, what is stopping her seeking help during the 2 and a bit weeks of partial no contact?


She has to truly want help and change and she doesn't otherwise she would take initiative and seek it. Right now all she wants is you back, not to change. If you try for round number 3 she may even go to a therapy appointment or two just to humor you but this doesn't invoke change. 

The light bulb has to come on in her own head that she really has a problem, till then it's a futile effort.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I was in a relationship where I was deeply in love with a lady. However, she was controlling, things were always her way or the highway, she was rarely violent, and the main thing: I could never get to the end of an argument with her, even if I accepted blame.
She just wanted to be upset. She looked for things to be upset about.

I loved her so much that I constantly worried about whether SHE was happy, and rarely thought about whether I was happy.

So I eventually told her I was through. I would have backtracked and went back with her if she hadn’t decided she “wanted off the emotional rollercoaster that I put her through”

I put put HER through???? Lol, I couldn’t believe that bs.

What I’m saying is that things with a person like you describe—- they don’t get better. And “professional help” rarely amounts to much unless medication is involved. And if medication is needed, that’s a problem on itself.
Some people are just the way they are. Yes, they seem great for a while— then they show you how they really are. If that’s not who you want to spend your life with—- don’t.

To put it bluntly, you really ducked up marrying a woman who was texting and seeing her ex while you were engaged. You knew better.
You know better now. Stop letting your emotions overrule logic and reason.

You shouldn’t be afraid to move on. Your wife is clearly emotionally and physically abusing you.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

And, you'll get 50 years in hell (from her) should you ever try to "explain" the situation.


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

Having some thoughts today. I almost feel depressed sitting around doing nothing all day. I have tried to apply for jobs but it’s like going back ten years to when I struggled to find work in the first place. I’m also drinking quite often, most evenings which is making me feel rough. 

I think it’s knowing I have walked away from the business me and her both had, that’s hard to take. She will be busy and occupied working every day while I’m stuck in a rut.

Someone asked me the other day, “are you more happier now compared to when you were there?” That’s a difficult question to answer. If I had my own job to go to I’d be coping a lot better.

The business we have, it was purchased by her parents but I worked for the past year and brought it to where it is now. I can’t even stake a claim to get income from the business as we always argued that we still had to pay her parents back for the loan. Also, if we do divorce and sell the business I wouldn’t be able to contest half of it, morally it would be wrong but I wouldn’t have a penny moving forward with my life.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

foggyday said:


> Having some thoughts today. I almost feel depressed sitting around doing nothing all day. I have tried to apply for jobs but it’s like going back ten years to when I struggled to find work in the first place. I’m also drinking quite often, most evenings which is making me feel rough.
> 
> I think it’s knowing I have walked away from the business me and her both had, that’s hard to take. She will be busy and occupied working every day while I’m stuck in a rut.
> 
> ...


Is this a fearful part of you talking?


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

I’m getting messages from her saying she doesn’t know why I have “just walked out” and left again. Now demanding to meet and talk or she said her family will arrange a meeting with everyone. 

Oh and she also said that I don’t know the values of marriage and that she has committed her life to me through marriage and said she won’t give up.

Really?!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

foggyday said:


> I’m getting messages from her saying she doesn’t know why I have “just walked out” and left again. Now demanding to meet and talk or she said her family will arrange a meeting with everyone.
> 
> Oh and she also said that I don’t know the values of marriage and that she has committed her life to me through marriage and said she won’t give up.
> 
> Really?!


Until she "does" give up.

Have you told us how old she is?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s a controlling little bundle of angry narcissist, huh?

Yeah, find a job and move on.

Psycho, she is.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

foggyday said:


> I’m getting messages from her saying she doesn’t know why I have “just walked out” and left again. Now demanding to meet and talk or she said her family will arrange a meeting with everyone.
> 
> Oh and she also said that I don’t know the values of marriage and that she has committed her life to me through marriage and said she won’t give up.
> 
> Really?!


This is kind of standard fare unfortunately, it can't be her fault in her head so she will and is starting to convince herself your the unreasonable one and uncooperative. Your the bad guy and she did "everything" she could and that will be the spin to her family and friends.


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

I agreed for her to come to my parents house and talk seen as she was saying she didn’t understand my reasoning for leaving. I also invited her to avoid her turning up with her family unannounced which she did last week. Funnily enough me and my family were on our way out and politely declined a sit down with them, especially as it was unannounced.

So I explained my reasons to her: her anger and the actions of her family. She agreed that what her parents did was wrong but states she had no idea what they were doing.

Again she blames her behaviour on the miscarriage but when I asked her about her anger before that happened she just says she didn’t know how to control it. So obviously there’s an on going issue with behaviour there.

Also I didn’t like the way she spoke to my parents. Telling me that she only wanted to speak to me alone and not while they are in the same room. Firstly, it’s my parents house not mine. Secondly, I wasn’t comfortable being alone with her based on her attitude and not knowing what she could have said or done.

I told her I felt as though she was never loyal and never had my back which is what married couples should have.

She spent hours here and was hard work getting her to leave. So over the past two days the messages have began again saying she’s in love and is upset and sorry and she’s wants to prove loyalty.

I can’t stand these emotive messages, they mess with the head. My family don’t want anything to do with her. Even if I were to contemplate giving it a go, all bridges from both sides of the family are well and truly burnt to the state of no repair


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

foggyday said:


> Thanks for all the feedback. I will be starting divorce proceedings but letting the dust settle, I have one thought over the line as I have left and won’t be going back. It’s just confusing how someone can have such anger and hatred in them one day but the next be fine. When I highlight the arguments from a few weeks ago she claims they are in the past and also stated she has made improvements as she hasn’t hit me again.
> 
> Her parents fill her mind with rubbish, her mother to my face has even called me a liar and claims I have used them (god knows what I’ve used them for)
> 
> I also pointed out that mentally something is not right to which they all dismissed.



May I respectfully ask what nationality she is? 

Some nationalities are consistent with this scenario after marriage.


Just divorce her! She shouldn't ever act that way! ... and you should never allow it!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir, she has received no treatment for her anger issues. She presents a clear and present danger to you, as you rightly continue to reject reconciliation, she may escalate. I am unsure of your present location, and whether or not law enforcement is inclined to even grant a restraining order. Therefore, distance and divorce should be your only consideration. I have the impression that you and your wife are asian or south asian. The divide between your parents and hers says that they may be of differing castes, or from separate regions. The interference in the marriage is both unforgiveable and devastating. There is no question here, you cannot continue in a marriage with a known abuser, who is co-dependent on her parents. A marriage with this woman is a mistake.


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

Taxman said:


> Sir, she has received no treatment for her anger issues. She presents a clear and present danger to you, as you rightly continue to reject reconciliation, she may escalate. I am unsure of your present location, and whether or not law enforcement is inclined to even grant a restraining order. Therefore, distance and divorce should be your only consideration. I have the impression that you and your wife are asian or south asian. The divide between your parents and hers says that they may be of differing castes, or from separate regions. The interference in the marriage is both unforgiveable and devastating. There is no question here, you cannot continue in a marriage with a known abuser, who is co-dependent on her parents. A marriage with this woman is a mistake.


*Yes* we are both from that area / heritage in terms of background however both families are of the same caste and regions. 

She does have the old school mindset when it comes to marriage and divorce. However she obliviously wasn’t ready to get married if still in cahoots with her ex weeks after I had proposed with a ring.

When we met over the weekend she also said she wouldn’t accept any divorce or sign any papers. I said I will quote unreasonable behaviour and she chirped oh someone has done his research (obviously she has also done research as she knew about the 2 / 5 year separation period before divorcing.)

And for the record she began to hate my parents during the time she chucked them out of a rental house we had together. My parents only discussed this with her parents 2 months later (after she refused me entry to our joint business) so to clarify, my parents having a sit down with her parents led to her feeling betrayed beyond belief to the extent of hatred.

What I now find funny is her parents have called up my uncles and grandparents to bad mouth me and portray me as the bad person and instigator! So if she felt betrayed when my parents had a sensible chat how do I feel about being labled the fault in the marriage


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@foggyday, I read about your doubts, BUT....
If she REALLY missed you and cared about you and wanted to stay married, ESPECIALLY after your talk, her actions would show that. She would already be telling you what SHE was going to do to fix her own individual issues. From what you wrote about your meeting, she wasn't contrite -- she didn't show how she wanted to work to get you back... Just more controlling .. your parents shouldn't be there, disrespectful to them, she knows she can't control her anger yet doesn't mention ANYTHING about trying to work on it, it's not her fault....

Until you see that SHE is taking corrective actions, you should lay your doubts aside and proceed with your plan.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir. Point blank, these people inclusive of your soon to be ex-wife, are disturbing in their behavior. I would be documenting and recording anything remotely contentious. Arguements, harassing telephone calls, etc. etc. It is my impression that the government, given India's growing economy and manufacturing sector, is quickly frowning on a lot of the old ways. I have a lot of friends on the sub-continent. Used to sub-contract some very large files to firms in Delhi. My son used to work for an Indian photographer, and shot a number of Indian weddings, he said Punjabi weddings are fun. Odd, but it seems a lot of indian mothers like their daughters to date Jewish guys. Very pretty and very smart girls.

You should be building a case. Calling relatives to bad mouth you is harrassment. Attacking physically is assault. I do not care what part of the world you are from, assault is assault. There are codified laws against spousal harm. It does go both ways. There are groups of men who have been assaulted by their mates. Psychologist in my old building used to run a group on Mondays. I am not sure of the current laws in your region, but experience tells me that the Indian legal system is fairly reminiscent of the British common law, very much like my own country. Therefore, everything that is being perpetrated on you is against the law. Document, find a legal representative and use the evidence to keep her and her hillbilly relatives out of your hair for good.


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

It has been NC since June and the divorce is underway. Most days I’m fine but today I’m feeling overwhelmed. I feel it’s just such a shame that this didn’t work out. I know full well living together was not working with her attitude and her family input. I guess I miss the times we had when we were happy. I just miss the idea of what we had. I’m temoted to message but how stupid of me to even think that when I am the one who sent the divorce papers.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

I am confused why you brought her mother into the conversation when she had the date with her ex before the wedding? And why you went through with the wedding after this? You seem to doubt a lot of your actions.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You at this time seem to be your worst problem.

Concentrate on figuring that out.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

foggyday said:


> It has been NC since June and the divorce is underway. Most days I’m fine but today I’m feeling overwhelmed. I feel *it’s just such a shame that this didn’t work out.* I know full well living together was not working with her attitude and her family input. I guess I miss the times we had when we were happy. I just miss the idea of what we had. I’m temoted to message but how stupid of me to even think that when I am the one who sent the divorce papers.


Why?

She sounds crazy. So do her parents.

Count yourself lucky — your kids could’ve been every bit as crazy.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Please stop second guessing your decisions. You miss 'what might have been, but isn't.' Make a list of all the reasons you wanted a divorce and read it when you become sentimental. Her toxicity is not going to change. Glad you can vent here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I know it's difficult -- that's how divorce goes -- but you'll get through this. There's no upside to contacting her so don't give in to the temptation.


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## foggyday (Apr 13, 2018)

Thank you all for your advice. I had a momentary lapse and felt overwhelmed. It’s refreshing to read the advice on here it’s a wake up call. Onwards and upwards


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## Robinskisses (Oct 29, 2018)

Get out. Quickly. It won't get better.


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