# Afraid I am pushing her away



## fixit62 (Jul 11, 2010)

I really need someone here to tell me what's wrong with me. I have been married 27 years, and my wife is such a great person. The problem is I seem to never be satisfied with where we are intimately. i go through spells where I am so needy, and i tell her I don't think we are close, and we need to work on it, blah,blah,blah. Well, she told me last night that she was tired of me needing so much and that i was smothering her and that I wanted more than she could give. I need to somehow get rid of this desire for so much attention and learn to take it easy in on relationship and let it come naturally. I am afraid i am going to lose her. Any advice?


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## LadyOfTheHouse (Jul 9, 2010)

what do you need from her, specifically?
do you guys spend enough time together one-on-ne?
conversation: FUN, intimate conversation, i mean?
affection: both physical affection and sweet gestures that show you she's thinking of you?
admiration: does she show you and/or tell you that she values you and respects you?
recreational companionship: do you do things together that you BOTH enjoy?
sexual satisfaction?

check out marriagebuilders.com, the emotional needs section in particular. try to identify your most important emotional needs, and see if she'll tell you hers as well.

it's not about "getting rid of your desire for so much attention". it's about finding a way to get that need met w/in your marriage.


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

First, I'm not sure what the problem is.

"I seem to never be satisfied with where we are intimately"

Does this mean you aren't happy with the amount of sex you are having? if so, explain further. After 27 years I would expect a drop but where are you? After 38 years of marriage we're down to 2x per week and I'd like to have more but that's a good compromise.

is it just attention that you need? I would suggest getting a hobby. Seriously, you need something to take up your time so that when you are with your wife, there is more quality to that time.

DO NOT take up a hobby with her. You need time apart.

Does any of this help?


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## fixit62 (Jul 11, 2010)

well, I want more physical attention I guess. She doesn't like to kiss, and doesn't like publice diplays of affection ( holding hands, hugging, etc.) We only have sex about once or twice a month, and sometimes it is longer. She never intiates it, and it is very very predictable. I have tried telling her we need to try new things in the bedroom, but she gets angry when I bring it up. And also, just a hug once in a while, a compliment, a unforced kiss. I do those things, but it goes unappreciated. She did tell me that I should find something to do, hobby, so that it would mean more when we are together. I recently took up running, and she got angry cause she thought I was had found someone to run around with so to speak because I was spending a lot of time at it. So, I am not sure what I should do next.


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## jhef83 (Jun 7, 2010)

I'm pretty much in the same rickety canoe. My wife is going through menopause though so it may be a little different. But anyway I seem to be lacking the same things you are. If I get up and go to work I always give her a kiss, tell her I love you. If shes out the door first it's I'm leaving, love ya, usually no kiss. She told me she was done with sex, that's started to prove itself true, been 4 years. Anyway I decided after 4 months of trying to talk, writing her letters and trying to spend more time with her to just leave her alone. She's on a trip with her Mom, been gone a week. I've called her once, she's called everyday. I am watching the Grand kids so I don't get too excited about her calls. I don't like this leaving her alone crap though. I mean if they can interact with everybody else they see everyday, why not us? Are we scum or what? But i am going to leave her alone cause I got nowhere trying to talk to her. They know how we feel so there's no need to run it in the ground. Sounds like your where I was in February. I was pretty down in the dumps. Time heals all I guess cause I feel pretty indifferent about it now. She'll be back in a week. I'm going to try real hard not to smother her. This is the first time we've been apart since we got married. I know I'll light up when I see her, a cigarette that is. :rofl: Just kidding I love the woman. I felt I was being broken up with in a long torturous manner. I don't know maybe that's exactly what their doing. Letting us down easy. Hoping we'll get fed up and leave. I do know one thing though. I've never gotten anywhere with a woman by begging and pleading. We'll probably find out it was all our fault anyway. I'm going to lay down and go to sleep watching Stevie Nick's 1981 concert. Her voice soothes my soul.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

fixit62 said:


> well, I want more physical attention I guess. She doesn't like to kiss, and doesn't like publice diplays of affection ( holding hands, hugging, etc.) We only have sex about once or twice a month, and sometimes it is longer. She never intiates it, and it is very very predictable. I have tried telling her we need to try new things in the bedroom, but she gets angry when I bring it up. And also, just a hug once in a while, a compliment, a unforced kiss. I do those things, but it goes unappreciated. She did tell me that I should find something to do, hobby, so that it would mean more when we are together. I recently took up running, and she got angry cause she thought I was had found someone to run around with so to speak because I was spending a lot of time at it. So, I am not sure what I should do next.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I feel for you as you seem to have been very patient and what you are wanting doesn't seem to be over the top demanding. 

Was she always the way she is now or could there be some resentment on her part for some reason which has made her prefer to see you as a room mate.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You’re committed to your wife and your marriage. You don’t feel loved or appreciated and good heavens you could probably even do with a bit of gratitude. Of course you’re “needy”, who wouldn’t be in those circumstances. Some will go outside the marriage to get what they need, you haven’t done that.

Long term marriages can create within them complacency, a feeling of calm satisfaction with your own abilities or situation that prevents you from trying harder. Sounds like that is where your wife is at. But what to do about it? Asking for what you need is just going to get you more rejection which will make you feel even more down, more sad.

I think your wife needs a wake up call, she needs waking up out of her stupor, a state in which she is almost unconscious, at least as far as you are concerned. You’re just not getting through.

How about going away for a bit, a long weekend, a week or two. Go and stay with a friend or a relative, book yourself into a hotel or buy a tent and go camping. Pick something you’d really enjoy doing, a fishing trip, orienteering. Don’t tell your wife about your plans. Leave when she is out and leave her a note. Something like “I have a need to be alone, for time by myself. I’ll be back on date. I’ll be alright, ok. I really need this time by myself, I don’t want to sound bad but I would really appreciate it if you don’t contact me. I look forward to seeing you when I return. If there is an emergency while I’m away please do not hesitate to contact me and I’ll be there for you. I do love you”. Then just go and enjoy yourself. You will have time for reflection while you are away. As will your wife. It may be the wake up call she needs.

Of course it could backfire, that’s a risk. But you’re getting nowhere at the moment and it will stay the same unless you do something different. This suggestion is completely in your control and you are asking nothing from your wife other than to leave you alone while you are away.

Bob


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Sometimes, when you complain about needing that type of attention, women tend to shut down. After dealing with kids,the house,or work,that is the last thing on our mind. If your pestering her about it, stop. Try to do things without demanding sex such as surprise her with a massage, a romantic dinner. Don't expect anything from it. When she realizes that everytime you touch her, it is not going to be about your needs,it will make her want to make an effort. This will not happen overnight and she will be waiting for you to "pounce". Sometimes, the attention you feel you need can be fed in other areas. If you took up running and she thought you were having an affair,it sounds like she is a little insecure, maybe she has forgotten how to be intimate? If this doesn't work, I suggest Bob's advice, maybe a shake up call is needed. But be prepared to accept the consequences of your actions. Best of luck!


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## fixit62 (Jul 11, 2010)

Thanks Bob and Tamara, good advice from two different perspectives. I have been thinking about the time away, but I am sure what she will see it as a trial seperation, or I am just wanting to meet someone else. The thing I am most upset about is that she refuses to meet me halfway, saying that i just don't like her and should just find someone else. That is so far from the truth. All I want is her to act like she cares and wants to be with me. I am so incrediblhy depressed about it all.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

fixit62 said:


> Thanks Bob and Tamara, good advice from two different perspectives. I have been thinking about the time away, but I am sure what she will see it as a trial seperation, or I am just wanting to meet someone else. The thing I am most upset about is that she refuses to meet me halfway, saying that i just don't like her and should just find someone else. That is so far from the truth. All I want is her to act like she cares and wants to be with me. I am so incrediblhy depressed about it all.


Sounds like your wife is manipulating your emotions, controlling them. It also sounds like she's being very successful at it. Suggest you regain control of your own emotions.

It also sounds like your wife has very low self-esteem and that's making her feel "unloveable". Living with a person who has low self esteem is very tough. Perhaps she should "get a life" and literally do things that make her feel good inside.

Bob


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Was she always like this, or has it gotten worse over time?


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

fixit, are you around the house more now than you used to be? you mentioned grandchildren but not your age, have you retired recently? Has your wife been a stay at home mom or had a career outside the home?
I ask these questions because my mother stayed at home and when my dad retired, wow, it was pure hell. He was up her back side every time she turned around. He didn't know what to do with all the time on his hands and she was used to being alone all day and doing her own thing, it drove her crazy to have him hovering. 
I have to say too, a man needing constant reassurances is really a turn off and can be seen as a weakness that a lot of women don't find appealing. Reconnecting with old friends and developing a new social circle and hobbies is a healthy way to start in a new direction; if you can be your own person you may spark her interest in you again. With your children grown, she probably doesn't want to feel she has to take care of anyone anymore, she needs an equal partner, not another person to be responsible for like she was with her children.


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## fixit62 (Jul 11, 2010)

Carron,
You have misread something here. I have two teenage kids at home, I have no grandchildren. I am not retired, I am actually 48. We should be going to the next phase of our intimate realtionship as the kids go out on their own in the next few years. I can only hope she will feel a lot less stress once they are gone..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fix - we are only a year apart in age - though you have been married longer - we are 21 years together 20 married. 

Tell us more about the running. Are you still running? Why did your W think you were running around? Have you ever cheated/gotten caught cheating? Were you running with another woman - not saying that is cheating - but it might cause some anxiety in a wife. If she had no basis for fearing you were running around AND you gave it up that is a big step backward. I would never give up an activity like that based on a baseless and untrue comment from my W about fidelity. In fact if my W said anything like that to me, by the end of that conversation she would be apologizing to me for being a paranoid, insecure partner. 

I can only tell you what works for me. I lightly "underlove" my wife. I say "love you", kiss, hug etc. a bit LESS than she wants. I offer to spend a bit less time with her than she likely wants - but when she ASKS to spend more time with me I say yes.

I keep my whining about "anything" to a minimum. I try to keep conversations light and fun unless she wants to talk about something serious. And we DO fun stuff and new stuff and sometimes scary stuff together. 




fixit62 said:


> Carron,
> You have misread something here. I have two teenage kids at home, I have no grandchildren. I am not retired, I am actually 48. We should be going to the next phase of our intimate realtionship as the kids go out on their own in the next few years. I can only hope she will feel a lot less stress once they are gone..


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Get professional help. You are at a dangerous point and you do not seem to realize it. Her lack of interest in you is a sign that she gave up on you some time ago, for whatever reason. She may or may not realize it. You are vulnerable to the attention of another woman. Rather than see your marriage implode, see a therapist and do not let excuses like $$ get in the way (a divorce, and/or affair, are much more expensive in the long run). 

There is a reason she does not want to give you more affection. Are you really clueless as to why? Either way, you need to get to the bottom of this in counseling before she blindsides you with wanting a divorce when the youngest graduates from college.


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## fixit62 (Jul 11, 2010)

Well, I have taken some of the advice from several on here and have lightened up on the emotional neediness, and have filled our times with compliments and more light hearted talks. I have to say, I am seeing some change in her attitude toward things. She is more relaxed, playful, even more intimate. I wouldn't say all is perfect, but I guess what ever is, right? I am all ears if anyone has some more ideas on how to expand our horizons


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Are you running? The magic is to be fun to be around but be around a little LESS than she wants. Not a LOT less, a little less. 





fixit62 said:


> Well, I have taken some of the advice from several on here and have lightened up on the emotional neediness, and have filled our times with compliments and more light hearted talks. I have to say, I am seeing some change in her attitude toward things. She is more relaxed, playful, even more intimate. I wouldn't say all is perfect, but I guess what ever is, right? I am all ears if anyone has some more ideas on how to expand our horizons


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Agreed. Have your own things to do.


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## fixit62 (Jul 11, 2010)

Yes, i am still running just as much, or maybe even more than I did before. The difference is I am not running with the female running partner any longer. I have to admit that her and I were spending too much time together and it was making both my wife, and her husband rather uneasy and jealous. Her and I also agreed that our marriages were suffering because we were spending more time together running and working out than we were on our spouses. She actually got him to join the gym, and they are going in the evenings. I continue my early morning routine. I am not going to quit doing my thing....it has paid off in more ways than one.


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