# Wife and Mother of my 2 kids texting/calling another man



## Searching4Answers (Sep 20, 2011)

My wife and mother of my kids is texting and calling a friend of mine. It started off innocent but has turned into them calling each other babe and one of them using the word love. I made a mistake this weekend by not calling her during a time of need and that opened up the flood gates. 

She has threatened to leave me and it is her house. I confronted her about how it makes me feel and she explained that it is just her venting but I know what the messages say and it is not about venting.

she told me she didn't text him all day yesterday but I checked the phone bill and saw that she did A BUNCH. the other night i heard her talking in the room late and night and went to investigate and she looked all guilty and said I was hearing things but the log shows she was talking.

What do i do, do i tell her I check the bill? I can't leave her because I can't afford a place and because of our 2 little ones. I'm an emotional wreck!


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Well... Ask yourself this, are you willing to stay with someone who is cheating on you actively? If you want to leave you might not be living in what you have grown accustomed to but it's still a place. And yeah, tell her. Unless you don't mind the disrespect and disdain that's being thrown your way right now.


----------



## Searching4Answers (Sep 20, 2011)

I can't stand the thought of not being around my 2 little ones. I don't want to miss a moment with them.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Searching4Answers said:


> I can't stand the thought of not being around my 2 little ones. I don't want to miss a moment with them.


I know. I went through a similar situation. Tell her. Wake her up before it's too late. As far as the friend goes, pay him a visit....it just might change his mind. Tell him it stops now.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Searching4Answers said:


> I can't stand the thought of not being around my 2 little ones. I don't want to miss a moment with them.


That is the worst part of this garbage. I have been a faithful husband for 13 years. Now, because of her decision to carry on an affair, I get to see my kids half time. Yes, that sucks, but there is no way around it. Read the "Just let them go" thread in my signature. Also, when you get over the initial shock, the book I have linked is good to help the kids.


----------



## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

My H had an EA year before last and part of last year...his comment about her was "we're just friends"..if they were JUST friends, then why were there "fifty million calls and texts" between the two of them...he refused (at first) to stop it..and we ended up separating...fortunately, our kids are grown, so that wasn't an issue....was he ever mad when she turned out to be a real psycho..she was planning on moving in with him...
Somehow he figured out things our and we got back together...
I am really sorry you are going thru this..I wouldn't wish it on anybody...you need to talk to the OM and your wife and tell her this will not be tolerated.


----------



## Searching4Answers (Sep 20, 2011)

I really am fighting this because of the kids. That "Just Let Them Go" thread hit me hard.


----------



## Searching4Answers (Sep 20, 2011)

I'm afraid of telling her I check the bill because that is the only way I can track this. If I tell her, she'll change to another method and then I'll have no idea whats going on.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Searching4Answers said:


> I'm afraid of telling her I check the bill because that is the only way I can track this. If I tell her, she'll change to another method and then I'll have no idea whats going on.


Have you talked to the guy? The fact that you know might be enough for him to stop. He is supposed to be a friend?


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I understand how important your kids are to you but your best chance to not end up seperated or divorced is to act act and quickly. If she's determined to leave, she's going to leave and there's not a whole lot you can do about it, but the longer this goes on the harder it will be to successfully get her out of it with your marriage intact. You don't say how long this emotional affair has been going on, if it's been like this for very long the odds that's it's also physical go way up which just compounds the situation. 

You've got to shut this down. Confront her, tell her you cannot live in a marriage with three people, that she has to pick. Ordinarily the next words would be to tell her if she won't pick to pack her bags but your situation is a little unique with her owning the house, so I would say if she won't pick you'll have to treat like a stranger but remain in the house - whatever you do not leave the house. Talk only about necessary items, kids, finances but do not engage her emotionally or about her affair. Of course that's only if she won't pick. 

There's lots and lots of very good advice here on how to confront her, read it, make a plan and get on with it. This will not go away on it's own, it will not get better by ignoring it, and every day it goes on the more likely it is that you will end up seeing your kids every other weekend.


----------



## Searching4Answers (Sep 20, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> You don't say how long this emotional affair has been going on, if it's been like this for very long the odds that's it's also physical go way up which just compounds the situation.


The emotional affair has been going on for about a month


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Well, if your married it's both your house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Dude. Call up your friend. Ask him what t fk is going on. Then, defriend his a$$. What kind of friend does that sht to a buddy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Searching4Answers (Sep 20, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Well, if your married it's both your house.


Actually its not owned by either of us, its compensation from her job.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Searching4Answers said:


> I'm afraid of telling her I check the bill because that is the only way I can track this. If I tell her, she'll change to another method and then I'll have no idea whats going on.


DO NOT TELL HER YOU CHECK THE BILL!! You may end up doing other surveillance techniques as well to gather other information. NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES! I want to emphasize that because I screwed that one up several times.

I would confront every time I got a little bit of information. I was so confident I would reveal the source (almost every time anyway. Finally, I wised up). They would simply be more careful and took the affair further underground (hidden). 

I would confront her that you know something inappropriate is going on with ________. Name him. Confront him as well. Neither of them need to know how you know. That will keep them guessing, as well, on how much you actually know. If you reveal you found out through the bill, they can move to a prepaid phone (as my wife did), etc.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

If it's only a month you may well be safe from a PA, but if you don't act it wont stay that way - it never does. You have got to bust this up and right away. Your wife is doing this to you, you can't wish it away. The quicker you act, the better chance you have of saving her and your marriage.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You can either stay, and live in misery, or you can attempt to try and make her stop

You will gain nothing by being mr. nice-guy---it DOES NOT work

Yes she may go further underground, which then forces you to make another decision, at another level

One of these days she will go physical, and it all becomes, much, much worse---so you have to decide what to do

Kids are not a reason, to stay in misery

What if your wife lost her job---house would be gone in a split second, so that isn't an excuse either----make some kind of a decision, and stick with it---right now you are no where, and you are going no where---make some decisions, and do something!!!!!


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Searching4Answers said:


> I really am fighting this because of the kids. That "Just Let Them Go" thread hit me hard.


Yes, it is a hard hitter. Maybe you are early enough in to make a difference, but it has to be quick. I'm sorry you are here. It sucks. There is no way around that. We have been forced onto this rollercoaster ride from hell by the women we love and want to grow old with. You are not alone. I have 3 kids, as well (8, 9, and 11). I struggled with trying to "work things out for the kids' sake" for a long time. After all I tried, I'm still getting a divorce. That painful thread really does seem to be the best route at salvaging a marriage where infidelity is involved.


----------



## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

She threatened to leave because you caught her. 
Waywards lie. The more you question the more they lie. You are getting good advice, gather evidence and make plans. Do not delay. It will escalate.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

you know where she goes to have these conversations with this guy. Plant Voice Activated Recorders in those rooms and plant a VAR in her car. You might catch some of their conversations.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The bottomline is that you must take action right away. Time is not on your side. Catching an EA early is the key.

I would confront the other guy and tell him he must get out of your marriage. Do not take no for an answer. You don't care is they ar ejust friends. He needs to be gone, right f'ing now.

If he is married you need to expose this to his wife.

If you want to be your kids full time live ay home dad you will cat firmly. Anything else will push her away.

This will only get worse hour by hour.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> This will only get worse hour by hour.


Literally - it's like fighting wildfire.


----------



## Searching4Answers (Sep 20, 2011)

thanks for all the advice. I'm getting myself ready for the confrontation...damn


----------



## Searching4Answers (Sep 20, 2011)

who should I confront first with the evidence? her or him?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do you have a print out of the emails/text?

Confront her 1st, you need to know if she wants to stay married or not.

If she still wants the marriage great then you can tell her what she needs to to to rebuild the trust. And then confront OM

If she doesn't want to stay married or is confuseed then whats the point, just let her go. Then expose it to OMW


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Good question. I wouldn't show my hand, though. They don't need to know exactly what your "evidence" is. If they know what you have, they will be able to figure out where you got it. If they figure that out, they will also figure out how to prevent you from getting more. I'd be very vague about what exactly you know. Then they may suspect someone saw them and told you, etc. 

I think I may confront him first. If you can confront him when you know he won't be able to talk to her before you do. I don't know if that would be possible. It would be great if you could confront each one without them being able to get together to get their stories straight. 

Either way, as soon as you confront one, they will be talking as soon as possible to make sure the other knows exactly what you have said and what they said. If he's married, maybe just start with his wife.


----------



## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

If she is still denying you need stronger evidence.
You don't need to show OM evidence-just tell him to leave her alone PERIOD.
Once(if) she admits the affair and if she decides she will chose you, then she needs to agree to permanent no contact with OM.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You want to save your marriage?

You better play hardball. HARDBALL. 

You need outrage, anger and resolve. You need it now.

This must end, right now. At all costs, if you want any chance to save your family all contact must stop. Right now.

All these other emotions your feeling are counter productive to your end goal.

Put your foot down, put it down hard and fast. 

DO NOT pu$$yfoot with your friend. Put the fear of god into him and do not waiver. They are playing the dirtiest game imaginable with you and putting everything you love at risk, you better be willing to play twice as dirty in return.. 

ps. 

Be prepared for a lie /manipulation/ guilt fest from your wife. Its coming. Don't waver. End this.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If your so called friend is married or has a girlfriend contact them first. It would be wise to contact an attorney to understand your options. Your friend is some friend.


----------



## Searching4Answers (Sep 20, 2011)

Started couples therapy and talked to therapist seperately and they encourage me not to confront her yet. That being said, last night she asked me if I have told him I don't like him texting her and I said, "not yet" and she replied with a "hmmm".

Do I read into that that in some weird way she is waiting for me to tell him to stop or is it just a genuine question that I'm reading too much into?


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Searching4Answers said:


> Started couples therapy and talked to therapist seperately and they encourage me not to confront her yet. That being said, last night she asked me if I have told him I don't like him texting her and I said, "not yet" and she replied with a "hmmm".
> 
> Do I read into that that in some weird way she is waiting for me to tell him to stop or is it just a genuine question that I'm reading too much into?



Change your therapist , your looking for an excuse not to stand up and fight for your marriage. There is no excuse, either fight or you lose her .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

"Don't confront her yet??"

Your therapist is an idiot. 

Get a new one.

Her saying HMMM means she is happy as hell you haven't put the kibosh and called the affair out for what it is--meaning she gets to keep it up cause there are no consequences for her behavior.

Your "friend" isn't a friend. He's an A$$hole. If he's married/partnered, tell his lady TODAY w/o any warning to your spouse/the friend so they don't have time to get their stories straight.


----------



## Searching4Answers (Sep 20, 2011)

Kicker of all kickers: his wife is my cousin


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What in the hell? 

Tell his wife/your cousin. TODAY. NOW. Call her up RIGHT NOW and tell her what is happening.

Do it without telling your wife or your "friend." 

UGH.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Searching4Answers said:


> Kicker of all kickers: his wife is my cousin


Well, that's a twist.

Jellybeans is right. Tell her now without your wife or the OM know. You can compare notes with your cousin.


----------



## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Searching4Answers said:


> Kicker of all kickers: his wife is my cousin


You should call The Jerry Springer Show. I bet you can get booked.

Deal with this now.


----------



## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Good question. I wouldn't show my hand, though. They don't need to know exactly what your "evidence" is. If they know what you have, they will be able to figure out where you got it. If they figure that out, they will also figure out how to prevent you from getting more. I'd be very vague about what exactly you know. Then they may suspect someone saw them and told you, etc.
> 
> I think I may confront him first. If you can confront him when you know he won't be able to talk to her before you do. I don't know if that would be possible. It would be great if you could confront each one without them being able to get together to get their stories straight.
> 
> Either way, as soon as you confront one, they will be talking as soon as possible to make sure the other knows exactly what you have said and what they said. If he's married, maybe just start with his wife.


holy sheet! this was like my situation all over again... I agree completly. I showed my hand and she found other ways to sneak around. Deep down i knew she was cheating, but it is VERY difficult to prove it until she finally admits it. i feel for you man. Been there done that it is a miserable place to be!!


----------



## Searching4Answers (Sep 20, 2011)

Update: I told him to stop communicating with my wife. He said he was confused as to why but okay he would. I then told him I knew they had been communicating last night and it has to stop.

As of right now 2 messages since then that I'm assuming are "ah oh"


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Searching4Answers said:


> Update: I told him to stop communicating with my wife. He said he was confused as to why but okay he would. I then told him I knew they had been communicating last night and it has to stop.
> 
> As of right now 2 messages that I'm assuming are "ah oh"


Good for you. You gave him fair warning. If he continues he should expect consequences.


----------



## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

Tell his wife/your cousin that your wife and he have been having inappropriate communication--that may cool his jets for a while...


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Expose this to the OMW (your cousin) this being a voice of reason.
In doing this you will get some support from the other end.
The thing is to make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible. So expose this!

And if any one asks just tell them you were told by a friend that they have been contacting each other. Never tell them your sources.


----------



## hurthusb (Jul 25, 2011)

I'm living with my wife who is actively carrying on a sexual relationship with another man. And no, I haven't been checked for STDs - I don't have to because she immediately stopped having sex with me when she started with him. It went on 7 months before I knew - I'm 2 months out from D-Day.

Don't let it get to this point. It's killing me. We're staying together in the house "for the kids" and I'm stuck. I should have told her to leave the day she told me.

Tell her to stop contacting this man completely or to leave the house. Or end up like me - suicidal, on anti-depressants and stuck.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You haven't done jack until you tell his wife/your cousin what is going on. 

So step on it!


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

How do you think your cousin would feel if she knew that you deliberately kept the knowledge of her husband's extremely poor behavior from her?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I understand how important your kids are to you but your best chance to not end up seperated or divorced is to act act and quickly. If she's determined to leave, she's going to leave and there's not a whole lot you can do about it, but the longer this goes on the harder it will be to successfully get her out of it with your marriage intact. You don't say how long this emotional affair has been going on, if it's been like this for very long the odds that's it's also physical go way up which just compounds the situation.
> 
> You've got to shut this down. Confront her, tell her you cannot live in a marriage with three people, that she has to pick. Ordinarily the next words would be to tell her if she won't pick to pack her bags but your situation is a little unique with her owning the house, so I would say if she won't pick you'll have to treat like a stranger but remain in the house - whatever you do not leave the house. Talk only about necessary items, kids, finances but do not engage her emotionally or about her affair. Of course that's only if she won't pick.
> 
> There's lots and lots of very good advice here on how to confront her, read it, make a plan and get on with it. This will not go away on it's own, it will not get better by ignoring it, and every day it goes on the more likely it is that you will end up seeing your kids every other weekend.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You need to tell your cousin ... now.

I read the hmmmm a different way. Kinda like. Why are you not man enough to confront another man who is after your wife. 

Now you told him not to contact her and then there were two messages. I would beat his @$$. Seriously I would be up in his face and tell him to stop trying to go after my wife. He needs to feel like you value your marriage to the point that you could do something drastic. he needs to be NC from you family. Now. Letting him continue is letting another man dominate you in front of your wife. Game over.

You need to tell your wife this is unacceptable. You will not libe in an open marraieg where she is cultivating a relationship with another man.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> You need to tell your cousin ... now.
> 
> I read the hmmmm a different way. Kinda like. Why are you not man enough to confront another man who is after your wife.
> 
> ...



He's to scared to save his marriage. Can't figure why he's still here since he hasn't listened to anyone who's gone through this very same thing. Wife and friend are making a fool of him AND his cousin.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Have you laid out any boundaries for your wife, with consequences

You are a grown man, if you need to take your kids and leave, cuz she refuses to stop, and needs a sharp kick in the butt THEN DO SO

Stop with the I can't do this, and I can't do that---grow up, and handle your situation.

Tell your wife this stops, or you will put D. on the table, let her keep her house, half of everything else is yours---custody will be shared, ---actually if you just lay it out for her, none of these consequences may be necessary---BUT YOU WILL GET NO WHERE BEING MR. NICE-GUY


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go here before its to late. Especially if you think you now have a handle on things.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


----------

