# What Really Kills the Marriage



## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

You know, I could have even forgiven the betrayals. I could have gone into MC and dealt with it I was still that much in love. Even after I saw the live cyber sessions.... if my wayward spouse would have fought for the marriage, I would have tried.

But its the anger, the denial, the blaming, the withdrawal, the destruction of evidence, the fighting and then the silence, for days, that is what is killing it. The not even seeing how the life of the faithful spouse is completely ransacked, broken..... and the lame excuses and stupid lies, the minimizing, the crappy attitude.

The unremorseful lectures about how they cant take your being "upset" anymore.... The never speaking, sleeping in separate rooms, no tenderness, no affection, the emptiness.

The person you thought you would be married to forever....is now a person who can barely tolerate being in the same room with you....

The empty threats and calling bluffs of leaving that never pan out on either side....it almost doesn't seem fair, to actually leave now....because its been said so many times before.

More than a year trying to reconcile.

This is what kills it. This is what kills the marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Are you getting counselling for yourself? 

Any children involved?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

AltarEgo said:


> More than a year trying to reconcile.


It must be you trying.

When enough is enough?
Get your doks lined up, lawyer up, detach.

Get it done already.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Yeah what helps me is that my WW has been extremely remorseful and will sit there and take the backlash. She knows she messed up the best thing in her life.

Had she been or ever does anything less than what shes doing now, I will not hesitate to leave.

I hate hearing stories like yours where the WS wants to reconcile by sweeping everything under the rug. I hate hearing when they get mad when the BS doesnt just "get over it".

Hope for the best for you and sorry to hear about your failed R.


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Are you getting counselling for yourself?
> 
> Any children involved?


No children at home.

Can't afford a therapist right now, need to get insurance....but I will as soon as that happens.


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

Acabado said:


> It must be you trying.
> 
> When enough is enough?
> Get your doks lined up, lawyer up, detach.
> ...


I know, pretty pathetic, right?

Wish there was a way to just rip the bandaid off.


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

hawx20 said:


> Yeah what helps me is that my WW has been extremely remorseful and will sit there and take the backlash. She knows she messed up the best thing in her life.
> 
> Had she been or ever does anything less than what shes doing now, I will not hesitate to leave.
> 
> ...


Not only do they not want to hear it, they roll their eyes and walk out of the room and then give you the cold shoulder for the rest of the day.

Its brutal.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

AltarEgo said:


> You know, I could have even forgiven the betrayals. I could have gone into MC and dealt with it I was still that much in love. Even after I saw the live cyber sessions.... if my wayward spouse would have fought for the marriage, I would have tried.
> 
> But its the anger, the denial, the blaming, the withdrawal, the destruction of evidence, the fighting and then the silence, for days, that is what is killing it. The not even seeing how the life of the faithful spouse is completely ransacked, broken..... and the lame excuses and stupid lies, the minimizing, the crappy attitude.
> 
> ...


Yup.. you can't reconcile with blame shifting, trickle truth and gas lighting... recipe for disaster. Basically, unless the wayward can own the actions and accept the damage they've done, it won't happen.


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

russell28 said:


> Yup.. you can't reconcile with blame shifting, trickle truth and gas lighting... recipe for disaster. Basically, unless the wayward can own the actions and accept the damage they've done, it won't happen.


And what a disaster it has been. I am really ashamed of myself, for believing in the marriage, for giving so many chances, for overlooking the obvious - - - for basically laying the foundation of my own misery.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Don't be ashamed of yourself for putting effort into your marriage. 

It sounds like you have reached a tipping point and now you need to move forward to take care of yourself Nothing wrong with that. 

See a lawyer and start the process it is never to late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jenglenn (Jan 31, 2013)

Isn't it a tragedy that you don't see your strength. I see it. Your spouse will some day too. Whoever that may be. Have a great day


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

What really kills marriage? Lies and not being responsible for actions. Cheating or no cheating- results are the same.


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

Lies. Double-life. Sexless marriage you think because of recovering from surgery...then you realize they resumed their sex life, just not with YOU.

Throw away your whole marriage for some cheap thrills online.

Act like the marriage is fixed even though you dont have sex anymore. Then when you are at your wits end, confront only to be told you are the one causing problems in the marriage. Then walk away and not talk to you for the rest of the day, and the next day.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

I hear you, brother. The WS cannot contemplate what your are going through. They want to relieve their own pain (the pain of being reminded of what they did to you, BY YOU), and thus, they run away from it or try to silence you. I'm sure I will get criticized for this, but sometimes, wouldn't it be just a little therapeutic to threaten having an affair of your own just to get the WS to feel a teeny weeny little bit of what you are feeling? Regardless, what you are describing is exactly what makes R damned near impossible. My younger brother called me last night, and told me that he just discovered that his wife of 12 years has been banging some A-hole and tried to deny and cover up all of it before blaming my brother of neglecting her. For him, however, there will be no R. He through her out and is filing for D today. He is 43 years old and does not want to waist time on a risky R. Can't say I blame him one bit. 

Anyway, good luck. You're going to need it!


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

Then they dont want to hear about the betrayal and cant understand why you have to bring it up. You bring it up because you havent had sex since dday! 

Its like you share a reality but really you dont. In their world, you are the problem, you are the one risking the marriage by being so damaged, by not being able to get over it. 

You are the one not keeping the vow. They stayed, you are bailing. They stayed an angry withdrawn version of themselves, but they stayed and YOU are the one ruining everything by wanting out.


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

Rushwater said:


> I hear you, brother. The WS cannot contemplate what your are going through. They want to relieve their own pain (the pain of being reminded of what they did to you, BY YOU), and thus, they run away from it or try to silence you. I'm sure I will get criticized for this, but sometimes, wouldn't it be just a little therapeutic to threaten having an affair of your own just to get the WS to feel a teeny weeny little bit of what you are feeling? Regardless, what you are describing is exactly what makes R damned near impossible. My younger brother called me last night, and told me that he just discovered that his wife of 12 years has been banging some A-hole and tried to deny and cover up all of it before blaming my brother of neglecting her. For him, however, there will be no R. He through her out and is filing for D today. He is 43 years old and does not want to waist time on a risky R. Can't say I blame him one bit.
> 
> Anyway, good luck. You're going to need it!


Yeah, its so obvious. They destroy evidence and THEN tell you what happened! And its never more than what you already know.

Its like they take the phone, smash it, and then TELL you what the texts said. What a bunch of crap!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

What really kills a marriage

Indifference, extreme selfishness, immaturity...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

AltarEgo said:


> And what a disaster it has been. I am really ashamed of myself, for believing in the marriage, for giving so many chances, for overlooking the obvious - - - for basically laying the foundation of my own misery.


It's alright. Did that too. Learn from it; hate it. Now though you need to get back up, brush off that dust, and rebuild yourself. Use that shame, anger, and bitterness to shove yourself back onto your feet and begin again in a whole new direction of your own choosing.

As others have stated, it starts with detachment. Your goal at this point should be to just not give a f’k about what she’s thinking, doing, or how she perceives you. You should get her out of your head and start thinking about yourself and what you want. You’ll know when you get there because it is liberating. The fear of her or what she might do will be gone. You just don’t care anymore.

What helped me to detach was to grieve the girl I knew and loved. Cherish those old memories. But she’s gone (or buried and trapped deep inside that specter that now occupies that body). I preferred to think of my own unremorseful wayward wife as a particularly nasty ghost haunting me and our family. So I treated her as such. When she rattles her chains, scream at her and laugh or ignore it. It’s just a ghost now..._oooh, scary noises... _it means nothing to you.. Just white noise in the background. What once was, is dead and you’ve accepted this. 

Start a new book, only this time, you be the author. What do you want to do with your life? And start doing it....


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

BTW, I am female. 

I will take your advice and switch the pronouns.

Must be all that alpha energy coming through because I am so done with this.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

AltarEgo said:


> BTW, I am female.
> 
> I will take your advice and switch the pronouns.
> 
> Must be all that alpha energy coming through because I am so done with this.


It is actually good to come to a conclusion. Now you just need to formulate your plan and execute. 

You can and will find happiness again.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

AltarEgo said:


> BTW, I am female.
> 
> I will take your advice and switch the pronouns.
> 
> Must be all that alpha energy coming through because I am so done with this.


You are womanning up.


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

Think i finally lost it. I actually put some *appliances* up for sale just so I can have the money to move out. Like I said, there's been so many empty threats on both sides it will be like an atom bomb going off if anything actually sells.

I feel like saying, "you know, i am really done this time" to give fair warning, to give a heads up that its time to clean your stupid files off my computer because its going in the moving van in 2 hours.

But i know i would not be believed because I have said I was done before and always get drawn back in.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You are in a false R. I have been there. I am now in a real R. My wife came clean last April. I know the difference. No lies. Answer questions at any time without hesitation and no matter how painful or if it is the 50th time. No blameshifting. No excuses. An open book. Does not care if I check her phone, computer, a million times a day.

You are in a false R. But I really don't have to tell you that.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If you own your home don't move out.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

AltarEgo said:


> Its like you share a reality but really you dont. In their world, you are the problem, you are the one risking the marriage by being so damaged, by not being able to get over it.


Yes, this really hurts, especially if they get you to start believing it. My WW told me once that it was my "inability to get past this" that was going to "bring us down." Total blame shift.

Fortunately, though, we made it past together. Her reading my TAM story had a lot to do with it. She wasn't really hearing me when it came out of my mouth, but when she read it here she got what I was saying I needed from her.


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

Don't own the home.

There's not even a false R anymore. Just disdain and the silent treatment.

Every day.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I often bring the old... "past a time you cease to be a victim to become a volunteer" ...but:
AltarEgo, the marriage, as it is, still works for you.
It's the truth. It works. Somehow. If it didn't you woudn't be there. You can't put it on the kids stability and the usual external reasons.
I'd ask you what payoff are you getting from this?
Ask it your self, write it on.
You don't mind to stay in a sexless marriage with a woman which shows no love nor respect... what's.the.payoff? forget the qualifiers (as in .. ashamed of myself, pathetic, etc) and dig a little what you get staying vs leaving what it's a dead corpse.

We are very selfish creatures, we tend to run from the pain and run towards the good. So... why do you stay?


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Racer said:


> It's alright. Did that too. Learn from it; hate it. Now though you need to get back up, brush off that dust, and rebuild yourself. Use that shame, anger, and bitterness to shove yourself back onto your feet and begin again in a whole new direction of your own choosing.
> 
> As others have stated, it starts with detachment. Your goal at this point should be to just not give a f’k about what she’s thinking, doing, or how she perceives you. You should get her out of your head and start thinking about yourself and what you want. You’ll know when you get there because it is liberating. The fear of her or what she might do will be gone. You just don’t care anymore.
> 
> ...


It took me over a year to get to the point where I just don't care anymore. The realization that you actually have lost nothing, but have gained your mental health back is liberating.


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

Acabado said:


> I often bring the old... "past a time you cease to be a victim to become a volunteer" ...but:
> AltarEgo, the marriage, as it is, still works for you.
> It's the truth. It works. Somehow. If it didn't you woudn't be there. You can't put it on the kids stability and the usual external reasons.
> I'd ask you what payoff are you getting from this?
> ...


I am female, but i guess the advice still stands.

I dont know what I am getting. But you are ight, it must be something. 

For what its worth I am trying to get money selling stuff from the house, so I can get a storage unit and move out.

I am just mad I have to do this after 9 years. Without a job. 

I wish I knew what I was getting, then maybe I could give it to myself.


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

Justadude said:


> It took me over a year to get to the point where I just don't care anymore. The realization that you actually have lost nothing, but have gained your mental health back is liberating.


Lord have mercy I would I love to get my mental health back. 

I just cant stand it. Keep poking the bear and then saying -- look how crazy that bear is getting!


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

Hey Alterego, I understand what you are saying and going through similiar situation. My husband of almost 12 years tells me that I have been fake with him this entire time and this thing he is friends with is whats real... yet there is nothing going on... No accontability and want to act the relationship with me is so bad to justify wrong doing. but lie about it at very turn and try to say its my fault someihow. its pathetic. same thing for your partner. its a process am working through and though I have no good advice, offer support and understaning of your hurt


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

I think its projection. They think you have all the traits that they have but cannot accept. So they put it on you.


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

arandomlady said:


> Hey Alterego, I understand what you are saying and going through similiar situation. My husband of almost 12 years tells me that I have been fake with him this entire time and this thing he is friends with is whats real... yet there is nothing going on... No accontability and want to act the relationship with me is so bad to justify wrong doing. but lie about it at very turn and try to say its my fault someihow. its pathetic. same thing for your partner. its a process am working through and though I have no good advice, offer support and understaning of your hurt


Or they assume you are just like them, so they treat you like you are the one doing it.....because they are doing it, you must be, too


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

I am having such a hard time tonight. I wish I had some kind of answer. I see my whole family falling apart. After WAY over a year of trying R....still we are more distant than ever. 

Yet they can't understand why you are "causing problems"...

I guess I am "causing problems" because I feel uneasy, heartbroken, taken for granted, disrespected...

So.......they are unhappy......you are unhappy.........but if you make a move to separate, they blow up like you are some kind of crazy person.....Bringing them grief for no reason.....even though you just want to move on and heal up from it all.

They make you the bad guy.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

AltarEgo said:


> I am having such a hard time tonight. I wish I had some kind of answer. I see my whole family falling apart. After WAY over a year of trying R....still we are more distant than ever.
> 
> Yet they can't understand why you are "causing problems"...
> 
> ...






Sorry to learn of that-Yeah I'm definately getting that too. I have the added torment of my family liking him and I would be crazy to end the marriage. I dont want them in bizniss so they know what up , yet. He is really good with people and i'm not so if we split they will assume its somthing i did. Its hard when you have a history with someone. poeple sasy just dump the chump but its not so easy. if there is just a glmmer of hope you want to grasp it and try to turn it around...


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

arandomlady said:


> Sorry to learn of that-Yeah I'm definately getting that too. I have the added torment of my family liking him and I would be crazy to end the marriage. I dont want them in bizniss so they know what up , yet. He is really good with people and i'm not so if we split they will assume its somthing i did. Its hard when you have a history with someone. poeple sasy just dump the chump but its not so easy. if there is just a glmmer of hope you want to grasp it and try to turn it around...


ara, this is such a heartbreak. I am sorry you are in this boat because it is a very hard road to travel.

my spouse is very close to my family....oddly, very distant from his own.....very close to my siblings....

when it comes down that we are separating? it will devastate my family... not sure how my inlaws will be affected....

my guess is that I will be made out to be an intolerable spouse, history will be rewritten and I will become the worstthingonearth.

nice payback for being faithful, isnt it?


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

AltarEgo said:


> ara, this is such a heartbreak. I am sorry you are in this boat because it is a very hard road to travel.
> 
> my spouse is very close to my family....oddly, very distant from his own.....very close to my siblings....
> 
> ...




unfortunate,but true have to work through emotions and do whats right for yourself. they shouldnt be confortable so still hash it out even if not agreeable not to violence or anything.Try to show you're not a victum, know its hard. I have been hammering home what I dont want and that we are not married while this continues we are living apart do to his work anyway but still. maybe you can do something like the 180 they call it. They shouldnt be allowed going to have relationship with both so that can be their end all be all. In the meanwhile trying to build self esteem.not sure if you can secure work somehow,hobbies orsomething I think you mentioned not working . I dont believe you can just be put out given how long you have been together or if domestic partners orwhat not but worth looking into. hang in there perhaps more seniors members can chime in on the strategy and tactics. hang in there


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

arandomlady said:


> unfortunate,but true have to work through emotions and do whats right for yourself. they shouldnt be confortable so still hash it out even if not agreeable not to violence or anything.Try to show you're not a victum, know its hard. I have been hammering home what I dont want and that we are not married while this continues we are living apart do to his work anyway but still. maybe you can do something like the 180 they call it. They shouldnt be allowed going to have relationship with both so that can be their end all be all. In the meanwhile trying to build self esteem.not sure if you can secure work somehow,hobbies orsomething I think you mentioned not working . I dont believe you can just be put out given how long you have been together or if domestic partners orwhat not but worth looking into. hang in there perhaps more seniors members can chime in on the strategy and tactics. hang in there


thanks ara, you hang in there too....take care of yourself


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## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

Altar, if any relatives doubt you, have them read this thread.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

AltarEgo said:


> I am having such a hard time tonight. I wish I had some kind of answer. I see my whole family falling apart. After WAY over a year of trying R....still we are more distant than ever.
> 
> Yet they can't understand why you are "causing problems"...
> 
> ...


There are a few keys to R, that you read about..

The wayward spouse should never tell the betrayed spouse they are taking too long to get over it.. that actually makes it take longer to get over it, so it's counterproductive. If he wants you to get past it, he has to stop telling you to get past it.

The wayward should never tell you how to feel, or that something you're feeling is wrong.. you are not crazy, your world was shattered by them, and they need to realize that. Time only fixes things if both parties are working to do what needs to be done, not one trying and one trying to sweep it all under the rug, shift blame and gas light.

What you're feeling is normal, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.. Not only have you been abused and betrayed, now you're being told it's your fault and get over it. 

If you want to heal, you have to move on.. if he thinks separation is you being crazy, you should go totally nuts and put divorce on the table.

You won't be able to heal in your current situation, you'll just grow deep resentments, and waste years of your life, and he'll cheat again because it's not that big a deal, he'll say you just blow it all out of proportion because you like drama...


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

AltarEgo said:


> ara, this is such a heartbreak. I am sorry you are in this boat because it is a very hard road to travel.
> 
> my spouse is very close to my family....oddly, very distant from his own.....very close to my siblings....
> 
> ...


This is why I think you need to expose an affair early to family, to control the narrative, and make sure they don't continue to get a skewed perspective. You'll still get to hear how you need to work on you, or things you did that caused him to cheat.. be ready for it. It'll piss you off.... Much of it is because they've been telling people stuff about you, preparing for getting caught and justifying acting like a low life...


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## AltarEgo (Jan 30, 2014)

russell28 said:


> There are a few keys to R, that you read about..
> 
> The wayward spouse should never tell the betrayed spouse they are taking too long to get over it.. that actually makes it take longer to get over it, so it's counterproductive. If he wants you to get past it, he has to stop telling you to get past it.
> 
> ...


This is exactly what has been happening. I am to the point where I am ready to sell everything I have left to get out of this house and of course....NOW the fight turns to maybe we need MC!!

There will never be any deep understanding about what is happening to me. I will be told I am crazy, start all the problems and really have deep emotional issues, I am tired of hearing it.

Even if it were true, that I had deep emotional issues and am having some kind of breakdown because I cant take anymore, even if thats true.....ignoring and blaming someone in that condition is pretty cold hearted, isnt it? 

I really want out of this situation. My whole life is falling apart, my marriage is completely broken and my spouse thinks this is all some kind of game I am playing.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Altar: It may be too late or your SO might be beyond caring, but FWIW the following is often posted on TAM. It is a letter from a betrayed spouse to the betrayer explaining how and why they hurt and why "it" just won't go away by itself. 

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened during that weekend, and everything that happened afterwards.

I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't she know by now that I love her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important.

Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe your actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

AE, you know when you get to a point in a BS marriage when your just done! What kills a marriage, a lot of things can kill a marriage. My experience is as follows and somewhat not in order, Resentment, indifference, disdain, resentment, respect, communication (lack thereof), anger, notice I said resentment twice. Love, to me this is huge. When you stop loving, the sex goes with it. I know there is more, but this is what I went through. The betrayed go through so much emotional turmoil, somedays you don't know which end is up. I'm not in your shoes, so my advice is just that, along with others. Most of us walked, I did. I wasn't going to live my life like a zombie. I want to feel loved, accepted, cared for, respected, and everything else to make a marriage work. You are responsible for 50% of the marriage and 100% to your actions. That is the bottom line. If you don't have that, then what's the point. You are doing the right thing, if it feels right, then how can it be wrong. Don't let the doubt monster in. Go get happy and don't forget this. It's not your fault!! Good luck.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

AltarEgo said:


> Lord have mercy I would I love to get my mental health back.
> 
> I just cant stand it. Keep poking the bear and then saying -- look how crazy that bear is getting!


One thing that really helped me was realizing that my WW had NPD. Once I started reading about it and heard other people's stories of dealing with an NPD in their life everything made sense. There was nothing I could have done to "fix" it, and to continue with a person like that is insanity. I tried for almost a year to get my marriage back together, I looked at the mistakes I made (we all make mistakes) and if I did my part, then they would recognize my efforts and then do their half...but it doesn't work like that. They are not interested in their half, they will always blame their failures on others. There is no long term success with these people.

So check out NPD, and see if the shoe fits....likely it does.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Sounds like the M is FUBAR. 

Develope a plan and follow through. Stop engaging in his little game. Don't give him ammo to show others that what he may be saying about you is true. I gave my wife some good ammo, until I realized what she was saying about me and how she was using it against me. 

Be civil but firm.


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