# Could live without it to be honest



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

When all he's happy with is a quick snog, a quick grope (of each other in intimate places) oral sex (on me which I do love) then m*sturbating him (by him or me) til he climaxes (rarely penetrative sex cos condoms are such a faff!) the whole thing taking about 15 minutes sometimes...... why don't I just get on with it?:scratchhead:

Obviously he would like more, but he's just saying.... "I don't have to do much so why don't I want it more often....."

I feel obliged to pop back to bed now and get on with it

Yeah the day would start better..... And of course it would be nice. One less thing to think about before the other chores of the day......

Surely I'm not the only female that feels this way?:scratchhead:

Been married 23 years.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

I've leave it to the ladies to answer because my lackluster man brain has no idea what you're talking about (other than the topic is sex).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, it's a shame that your marriage has come to a point that you feel this way. Sure there are other women who feel like this but there are a lot who do not.

How often do you and he have sex?


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> Well, it's a shame that your marriage has come to a point that you feel this way. Sure there are other women who feel like this but there are a lot who do not.
> 
> How often do you and he have sex?


Well we have as described about probably every couple of weeks at the moment. 

He thought me reading Fifty Shades of Grey would make me want more. But I was happy just reading about it

Yeah I know, I know.... need to make the effort etc..... I KNOW!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So tell me, what is it that he is not doing for you? What needs do you have that he does not fill?


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> So tell me, what is it that he is not doing for you? What needs do you have that he does not fill?


Thank you for your concern EleGirl. To be honest, it is a two way thing really. I feel I need to make more of an effort in the relationship, rather than complaining he's making no effort.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DameEdna said:


> Thank you for your concern EleGirl. To be honest, it is a two way thing really. I feel I need to make more of an effort in the relationship, rather than complaining he's making no effort.


Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. The books are a very good resource on how to make your marriage much better.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

That's exactly what I ask over and over and over..... All the power to those who practice tantric or go for an hour+.... Truth of the matter is sex for most is a probably 30 minutes max..... 

So you are absolutely right..... What's the big deal?????? And why is it so tough when it works for the two of you (i.e. both "O" and it feels good)?

Yes no woman has been able to make reasonable argument as to why that is....:

Thanks for the post..... Pretty sure as a male I got it.....


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> That's exactly what I ask over and over and over..... All the power to those who practice tantric or go for an hour+.... Truth of the matter is sex for most is a probably 30 minutes max.....
> 
> So you are absolutely right..... What's the big deal?????? And why is it so tough when it works for the two of you (i.e. both "O" and it feels good)?
> 
> ...


Here's a article to read on the topic...

Oxytocin


"While most of us suffer from living in an anti-touch society, women tend feel more touch-starved than men, probably due to the fact that they have more estrogen. A woman who is not receiving enough touch becomes withdrawn and even depressed. In this condition a woman can become strongly, and even violently, opposed to sexual touch. If the situation continues, she may become so withdrawn that she is no longer open to the very touch she needs."

This has to do with the production of oxytocin in the body... if a woman does not have enough in her system she will turn off to sex and not be able to do those quick 15-13 minutes without feeling violated. It's not her fault.. it's how women are made.

Here's another artcle....

The link between the hormone oxytocin and female orgasm, bonding and attachment - happyspouse (Dawn Michael M.A.)


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Here's a article to read on the topic...
> 
> Oxytocin
> 
> ...


I think you're missing what the OP was saying..... She's musing as to why not??? She enjoys it, he loves to pleasure her, he does the majority of the work and it is over and done in 15 minutes. And it is very important to him.

Trust me, getting back to your post above, I do plenty of touching during the day, week, month..... So that has nothing to do with it....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> I think you're missing what the OP was saying..... She's musing as to why not??? She enjoys it, he loves to pleasure her, he does the majority of the work and it is over and done in 15 minutes. And it is very important to him.
> 
> Trust me, getting back to your post above, I do plenty of touching during the day, week, month..... So that has nothing to do with it....


The orginal post is very hard to understand. I think she is saying that she could live without sex. That's she really is not all that interested.

All of the touching you get during the week might not be enough. 

I just posted it as one thing to look at that might make a difference.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The orginal post is very hard to understand. I think she is saying that she could live without sex. That's she really is not all that interested.
> 
> All of the touching you get during the week might not be enough.
> 
> I just posted it as one thing to look at that might make a difference.


OP please clarify..... Pretty sure shes saying why not do it, get it off her plate, she does like it and her husband truly appreciates it.....


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I'm not sure who you mean by "could live without it"... I assume you mean yourself... I will tell you firsthand when a man feels his W has no desire for him and when she is not enthusiastic about sex with him, it pretty much the biggest libido killer, and when his libido is gone so will his drive to get up in the morning and do something productive. I don't care if you've been married 2 years, 7 years, 15 or 20+ a man not getting the sex he wants is a ticking time bomb, and if he diffuses it by shutting himself off there will be nothing attractive about him to either of you and your marriage will be at stalemate.

I'm sure that the feeling of desire and enthusiasm goes both ways, for you its obviously not through sex but for him it absolutely is, so what would make you feel desire for him again? How does he show his desire for you to your eyes, and if he doesn't what can he do so?

edit: after re-reading the thread I see that it is simply the lust for him you don't have that you are asking about. I don't know, probably hormonal due to aging, maybe see an endocrinologist for advice on how to keep your own sex drive going. Or perhaps there is some medication you are on that is interfering...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> OP please clarify..... Pretty sure shes saying why not do it, get it off her plate, she does like it and her husband truly appreciates it.....


Read post #4


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Read post #4


Okay, I am lost. The title says one thing, the text another. Post 4 to me just says that Fifty Shades of Grey did not turn her on as it has for many women.

What I read, which I read from many women is their seldom turned on or think about it, however once it starts it is perfectly fine, everything works and they "O", but then it returns back to her desire or need being turned off.....


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> Here's a article to read on the topic...
> 
> Oxytocin
> 
> ...


VERY interesting point Elegirl. My OH is not a "toucher" in general everyday life (unless he's after nookie) though at times he TRIES to be. When he's like that it's lovely. But most of the time he seems irritated with me, and I him. I do feel as you have mentioned, withdrawn and quite low at times


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Could live without it?

To be honest, can you live without him?

Because, unfortunately for you, there are plenty of other women who honestly can't live without it.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Okay, I am lost. The title says one thing, the text another. Post 4 to me just says that Fifty Shades of Grey did not turn her on as it has for many women.
> 
> What I read, which I read from many women is their seldom turned on or think about it, however once it starts it is perfectly fine, everything works and they "O", but then it returns back to her desire or need being turned off.....


What the OP is saying, I believe, is that technically she has no reason NOT to engage in sex more frequently; their sex is quick, doesn't involve penetration, and doesn't require much work on her part. She's saying that even under these pretty undemanding circumstances, where sex should happen more often, she still doesn't do it much and could live without it.

That's how I understood it at least.


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## Minuit à Paris (Sep 3, 2012)

Your've been married for 23 years, so you are entitled to not feel exactly excited about doing the deed. But what if you change how you think of it? Change the place, the costum, the position? It doesn't have to be a chore if you make it into a hobby


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My wife ties to explain it like this to me sometimes. Once she gets going, she'll enjoy it. But she doesn't think about it at all. And then has every excuse to avoid it once it does come up. 

Now I'm tired...I have to work tomorrow...I worked today...I have cramps...My so--and- so is bothering me...can't you just get out your cream...maybe tomorrow...

The list is infinite. But she does admit that sex Is not a top priority to her and she needs to address it. So I can take some solace in that and hope that eventually there will be some semblence of improvement.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Minuit à Paris said:


> Your've been married for 23 years, so you are entitled to not feel exactly excited about doing the deed. But what if you change how you think of it? Change the place, the costum, the position? It doesn't have to be a chore if you make it into a hobby


Changing the fella might help:rofl:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

DameEdna said:


> Changing the fella might help:rofl:


there you go.........sounds like a plan.


If I knew my wife had an attitude like yours I think I would prefer her to move on down the road. 

there are lots of things I could live with out. one of them would be a wife who dosn't desire me or intimacy with me.

I could do with out supporting her or listening to her talk nonstop.

I could do with out her complaints or spending habits.


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## trying_to_rejuvenate (Aug 21, 2012)

Lon said:


> I'm not sure who you mean by "could live without it"... I assume you mean yourself... I will tell you firsthand when a man feels his W has no desire for him and when she is not enthusiastic about sex with him, it pretty much the biggest libido killer, and when his libido is gone so will his drive to get up in the morning and do something productive. I don't care if you've been married 2 years, 7 years, 15 or 20+ a man not getting the sex he wants is a ticking time bomb, and if he diffuses it by shutting himself off there will be nothing attractive about him to either of you and your marriage will be at stalemate.


i agree with this so much ! it has happened to me and due to what my wife does to me I dont feel like working anymore even though I am the only one who brings home the money ... to the extent that I have even started questioning why I should work and get the money when all I get is cruelty and total rejection in various ways initiating sex, during sex and after having had sex .... she makes me feel like a low being for wanting to have sex and is impatient and generally very very unenthusiastic....
I no longer want to work and bring home the money and am planning to just waste away all I have got ..... even though I have kids which I love more than anyone else... but I cant keep on going emotionally abused and keep caring for everyone..... I really feel bad for the kids that now I harbour thoughts like this ... I am only human and my endless attempts to remedy the situation have failed and in fact seem to be making matters worse... so here I am....

still have a job but considering telling my boss that I wanna quit ! feels crazy.... sometimes the feeling is stronger and sometimes it is in the back of my mind..


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

trying to rejuvenate, yeah, I'm in the biggest rut I could have ever comprehended. There just is so little drive (emotionally I'm fighting it as hard as I can but it feels like there really isn't any fight in me at all, I'm just coasting on fumes - I know this can't be sustainable). Anyways I still have lots of good qualities even if I lose sight of them all the time, they are there atleast I have a little faith in myself. But faith in my sex drive/drive to compete, that is still a ways off from getting restarted I think. I am really itching to start it, but right now I am a passenger in a vehicle that has no operator at the controls - I sometimes reach over to straighten the course but I don't know what is holding me back from switching to the drivers seat. I really am content in the passenger seat, but I am not content with where it has been going, nor do I have any ideas where I want to take it. There has actually been a few times I moved over and took the controls but I didn't really change course just kept looking at the passenger seat wishing I was in it. 

I don't even know what I want or where I want to go, but all along the one thing I have always felt the most longing for is a beautiful woman to shower with my affection, but I really don't see how my affection is valuable in any way and am having such a hard time believing anyone would want my affection - I'm sure there are some, but how desperate and unnattractive must they be that they can't find it from someone else, you know?

Anyways, I'm hoping I can find something I actually want to pursue for the sake of doing something I want and maybe finding some joy in that, and even some self worth. I do find some joy in things still, but not the sort of things that have to do with me setting and accomplishing goals or reigniting my spark. Let me know if you figure it out, okay?

oh and I did quit a job because my performance really sucked - it was a GREAT job that payed well, working from home office, and I was respected, but I was putting in so little effort, and feeling so unworthy (because I really was burned out and not worthy of letting it stay as is) the stress and shame was too much for me to handle and I had to check out of that job. I found another one that was another good paying one, hoping new position would force me to focus a little more - I actually was putting in more effort than I had been but I was let go during probation period, that really hurt. I found yet another job a couple years ago, this time with government lol, so I was almost encouraged to keep underperforming - My career has just been coasting on barely mediocre, though a few months ago I took a position in a different dept and I am actually starting to feel a sense of pride and ownership (but still feeling almost as useless as before sorta, I think its getting a little better each day that goes by though).


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Could I live without it? Sure. I won't die...at least not physically and not immediately. I could also survive a long time in the Hanoi Hilton. People lived in slavery. People live in prison. Will life or the relationship ever be as good without sex as it could with sex, passion, romance? Nope. Basically, it's the difference between having a loving relationship and a hostage situation.


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