# I need help before I do something stupid!!



## michelle2012 (Jan 5, 2012)

I have posted on this forum before about how my husband of one year has indulged in some seemingly inappropriate behavior on a couple of occasions, by smsing a girl, much younger than him in the middle of the night while being drunk and blatantly checking out other women on other occasions etc. 

Now he has taken his perversion to another level. He has signed himself up on several of the online dating websites!!! I was completely taken aback when I found out! I just couldn't seem to understand the reason! The only problem I had with him was him hanging out with his friends all the time. But romance wise, there were never any complains, still aren't. So what drove him to do something so highly obnoxious??!!

I confronted him. He bluffed in the beginning but then came clean. He even uploaded his real picture on the websites. He said that apparently, I make him feel worthless (I have no ****ing clue what he is talking about!! I constantly keep telling him how great he is because I think its true.) He said that no matter what he did, he did not seem to find a way to make me happy. And this is bull****, because I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of fun and laughter and craziness that goes on everyday. 

So he said that he signed up to gauge whether people still find him attractive and desirable. I asked him what would he do if a girl DOES in fact reciprocate. He said that he would be happy with that and would not initiate anything.

I find this whole explanation so ****-and-bull!! It doesn't make any sense!!! Does it make sense to anyone of you?! He has completed humiliated me by acting so thoughtlessly. Which he agreed. Imagine if of one his single friends happens to be on the website and sees that my husband and recently signed up, which means it is not something of the past, what would he think of me??!! That I am not able to satisfy him in whichever way, which is why he has to resort to such things!

Now I am completely mind****ed about this and do not think there is any logical justification for this! I am so furious that I just want to get back at him. I have stooped so low that I myself went and signed myself up on the dating websites in a fit of rage and revenge.

I do not want this to jeopardize my marriage because divorce is not an option for me. So please don't even suggest that. I really am blank and can think of no pragmatic way out of this. 

Please tell me what to do??!!! I am at my wits end. All I want to do is hurt him right now. And this is the guy I am crazy about!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is blaming you for his own bad behavior.

There is no excuse for what he has done. I would not be surprised if he has been meeting other women. What you found might be the tip of the iceburg.

Do not buy into his stated reason. People who cheat lie. So you have to assume that it was his intent to find someone to cheat with.

Is he willing to go to counseling with you? If he feels so down on himself when he's with a woman who loves him, it needs to be explored. The feeling seem to be coming from within himself.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

michelle2012 said:


> I have posted on this forum before about how my husband of one year has indulged in some seemingly inappropriate behavior on a couple of occasions, by smsing a girl, much younger than him in the middle of the night while being drunk and blatantly checking out other women on other occasions etc.
> 
> Now he has taken his perversion to another level. He has signed himself up on several of the online dating websites!!! I was completely taken aback when I found out! I just couldn't seem to understand the reason! The only problem I had with him was him hanging out with his friends all the time. But romance wise, there were never any complains, still aren't. So what drove him to do something so highly obnoxious??!!
> 
> ...


If divorce is not an option, then there are no consequences to his behavior. Further, by doing the same yourself "to get even" only sends the message of acceptance to an open marriage with both of you dating. Is that what you want?

My WS did the same thing. My attorney has the copies because I printed them up. It wasn't enough for him to run the ads; he even had women's phone numbers and called them regularly on his cell phone. Plus the texts. And they were all located within our area, since most of those ads will refer people to others in their area. I refused to live like that, so we are separated.

What are you willing to accept from him? What is the "deal breaker" and what are the consequences if divorce is not an option?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

michelle2012 said:


> I have posted on this forum before about how my husband of one year has indulged in some seemingly inappropriate behavior on a couple of occasions, by smsing a girl, much younger than him in the middle of the night while being drunk and blatantly checking out other women on other occasions etc.
> 
> Now he has taken his perversion to another level. He has signed himself up on several of the online dating websites!!! I was completely taken aback when I found out! I just couldn't seem to understand the reason! The only problem I had with him was him hanging out with his friends all the time. But romance wise, there were never any complains, still aren't. So what drove him to do something so highly obnoxious??!!
> 
> ...


Can't tell you what to do because you've already said what is off the table. You've got to take a strong stance on this and be willing to walk away if your needs aren't met. Again, I'll ask - how old are you? If you say that divorce isn't an option but you can't think of a way out of this, what would you ask us to tell you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> If divorce is not an option, then there are no consequences to his behavior. Further, by doing the same yourself "to get even" only sends the message of acceptance to an open marriage with both of you dating. Is that what you want?
> 
> My WS did the same thing. My attorney has the copies because I printed them up. It wasn't enough for him to run the ads; he even had women's phone numbers and called them regularly on his cell phone. Plus the texts. And they were all located within our area, since most of those ads will refer people to others in their area. I refused to live like that, so we are separated.
> 
> What are you willing to accept from him? What is the "deal breaker" and what are the consequences if divorce is not an option?


My exhusband did the same thing as well. He has 10 relationships going on line at one time. He had met some of them in real life for sexual encounters. This nonsense is becoming pretty common. It's way too easy these days.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I constantly keep telling him how great he is because I think its true


You might need to come to terms with the idea that the above statement might not be true?

That he might not, after all, be 'great'?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"I need help before I do something stupid!!"

What stupid thing do you think that you might do?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

He's full of crap. Nobody signs up on some damn dating website to judge the reaction of the opposite sex. And if by some miniscule chance that was his intention, he's dumb as a box of rocks. That would not be okay with anyones wife or husband.

I don't do anything that could create JUSTIFIABLE jealousy in my W. Now, if she catches me glancing at a hottie walking by and wants to go level 5 ape crap on me, that's not justified. If I'm out with the guys and happen to not return a text or call right away, that's not justified. But secret communications with a woman? Justified. Going out alone with a woman not related to work? Justified. Joining a DATING WEBSITE?!!! I imagine she'd walk out and never come back, and she'd be justified...regardless of my pre-manufactued, bullchit excuse to why I was on that site.

I don't know why divorce is not an option for you, but that being the case, you'd better not make him think it's not an option for you, or this will continue.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> My exhusband did the same thing as well. He has 10 relationships going on line at one time. He had met some of them in real life for sexual encounters. This nonsense is becoming pretty common. It's way too easy these days.


Yep. I do believe that my WS met at least two of them. And you're right. It is too easy. And when they get caught, the first thing they do is go underground to continue in these activities. My WS just doesn't "get it" as he went through the same thing 10 years ago. Then we went to MC and IC to fix the marriage. Fast Forward 10 years later and we are separated.

To the OP: So many threads here will tell you that the best way to deal with infidelity is to play "hard ball". You have to put "divorce" on the table in order for the WS to understand the seriousness of the situation. Anything less and he won't change his behavior. No incentive to change.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> Yep. I do believe that my WS met at least two of them. And you're right. It is too easy. And when they get caught, the first thing they do is go underground to continue in these activities. My WS just doesn't "get it" as he went through the same thing 10 years ago. Then we went to MC and IC to fix the marriage. Fast Forward 10 years later and we are separated.
> 
> *To the OP: So many threads here will tell you that the best way to deal with infidelity is to play "hard ball". You have to put "divorce" on the table in order for the WS to understand the seriousness of the situation. Anything less and he won't change his behavior. No incentive to change*.


:iagree:

If he thinks you will never leave him he has no reason to stop what he is doing. He can have you and all the other women he wants... that what it means when you way that you will not concider divorce.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

michelle2012 said:


> He said that apparently, I make him feel worthless (I have no ****ing clue what he is talking about!! I constantly keep telling him how great he is because I think its true.) He said that no matter what he did, he did not seem to find a way to make me happy. And this is bull****, because I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of fun and laughter and craziness that goes on everyday.
> 
> So he said that he signed up to gauge whether people still find him attractive and desirable.\!


Stupid excuses because all he wants is to fool around with other girls.
He doesn't sound monogamous and he's disrespecting you so blatantly and behaving so carelessly that he doesn't give a sh*t if his behavior hurts your feelings.

I remember you thread about him messaging back and forth with the teenage girl who had broken up from her bf. 
Even to this day, I wonder why it was your H's business and his concern.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Counseling. Now.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

When my marriage wasn't doing very well I .... Signed up on a website so I could browse available women. Just to see what was out there. I never emailed or contacted anyone. I never created my own profile, so I never received any emails from anyone.

If my marriage was failing I could see myself creating a profile to see if anyone was interested in me.

It would be a huge leap though for me to cheat. I would end the marriage first.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Dig is right. Your husband is acting like he is 12. This board can't fix that. The two of you should go immediately to a really good marriage counselor. You go on your own if he won't accompany.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> When my marriage wasn't doing very well I .... Signed up on a website so I could browse available women. Just to see what was out there. I never emailed or contacted anyone. I never created my own profile, so I never received any emails from anyone.
> 
> If my marriage was failing I could see myself creating a profile to see if anyone was interested in me.
> 
> It would be a huge leap though for me to cheat. I would end the marriage first.


Yea I can see that. I've looked before too. It's different to go as far as to join, create a profile post a picture.

Did you wife know that you were not happy in the marriage? That's part of the issue as well. It seems that the OP's husband had not told her that he is unhappy. To me, if a spouse has not told the other that they are unhappy and tried to fix things, then anything like what the OP is talking about is only an excuse used to cover for his desire to cheat.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Okay. Divorce is not an option.

Then my advice is not to have children (assuming you don't - 1 yr. married) because your husband is not a good person. He thinks he is single & sounds like a horndog.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The only way he will change is if there's consequences to his actions. I guess you'll have to figure out what consequences you'd find acceptable.

I say this as someone who has used those type of sites to find an affair partner. He's one email away from that, regardless of his "intentions". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

My biggest suggestion is to NOT, I repeat, NOT stoop to his level!! Don't do it! It will only make it worse and you will have no credibility. In fact, it will feed his little addiction because he will just have ammo to justify himself (you said he's already saying the whole "you have been ignoring me blah blah blah statements)....but know that nothing you have done has anything to do with how he has turned away from you. It's ALL his fault! and nothing you do now can change what he has done. But do not go down that path you are so eager to go down. It's pointless. It will only hurt YOU more in the end. Be the best person you can be at all possible times and let him have this addiction if he still wants it. At this point he's feeling like a sack of crap.... he would love to see you make similar mistakes right now because he would feel better about himself. 

Another reason not to do bad things....because you will burden yourself with your own guilt...and right now, you don't need that.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> My biggest suggestion is to NOT, I repeat, NOT stoop to his level!! Don't do it! It will only make it worse and you will have no credibility.


Remember...an eye for an eye eventually leaves everyone blind.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

he is considering leaving you


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Remember...an eye for an eye eventually leaves everyone blind.



Very very true


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If divorce isn't an option, how about separation? At least then you will be less at risk for diseases.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Stop the revenge sonsense in your head now.
Tell him to stop making up bullsh!t excuses, the blameshifting game and to start owning his stuff, with out honesty there's nothing to rebuild if that's what you want.


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## michelle2012 (Jan 5, 2012)

He is 31 and I am 27. Divorce is not an option because I cannot imagine spending my life with anyone else but him. I cannot explain it. If you leave adultery aside, he is quite a catch in all other aspects. I know I sound like a fool!! But all his positives are so awesome that I do not want to let go off them. Its like 10 positives versus one HUGE negative. 

But we are so happy all the time. We joke around, he takes me along for dinners with his friends, unless its strictly an all guy thing of course, we are constantly hugging and kissing. He makes me feel so special in front of his friends and our families... Its like I am one of the guys amongst his group of friends. They are more comfortable with me than they are with anyone else's wife. And believe me, that gives you a high!

He makes me feel very needed. He gets restless if I am not around or even in the same room as him!! I know his office schedule. I know when he will be where doing what. Not that I keep tabs. But we talk almost every half hour. That's how. I am the first and probably the only person he calls when he is free. Seeing his name flash on my mobile still makes me smile, even after 2 years of being together. 

Divorce is looked down upon in my family and I could never put my parents through that. Not that they would force me to stay in an unhappy marriage, but I just cannot let them go through this pain in their old age. I am anyway hearing of so many of my parents' friends dying of cardiac arrests at the ages of 50 and 60. So that scares me.

He is such a great guy otherwise. He is funny and good looking and caring and extremely helpful and a genuinely good person. Everyone who knows him simply loves him. I have seen it. 

We have fights. All couples do. Off late things were happier. He had to undergo a minor surgery recently. So it was mainly just me and him all the time at the hospital. And believe me, I was such a doting wife! I know it sounds pompous. But I was. I have barely slept for 3 hours every night for about a week, just taking care of him whenever he needed anything in the middle of the night. And then this! What triggered this?? I am so clueless. Its like expecting a promotion and then your boss tells you that you are fired!!!

What I meant when I said that I might do something stupid is cheat on him in anyway. I was this close to messaging my ex just to get back at him. Thank God I didn't!! On an impulse, I was desperate to hook up with someone my husband knows just so that he feels humiliated. I know that's very low. But at that time all I wanted to do was hurt him. 

Last night after a major fight, he earnestly apologized. Even today morning. He accepted that it was a very senseless and thoughtless thing to do and that he has deleted and unsubscribed from everything and he will never do it again. Of course I do not trust him anymore. But I just want a happy normal marriage where I do not feel the urge to snoop around his laptop and mobile phone to see if he is adhering to his promises. I just want a situation where trusting each other is just a way of life.

Please tell me that is possible for people to change. That they realize their mistakes and if even I put in more effort to make the marriage happier, it will be successful...??


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Sorry JB... Not this time...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Sorry JB... Not this time...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


JB?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Acabado said:


> JB?


Go read all of "her" threads. Stuff just doesn't add up. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Where's my tin foil?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Where's my tin foil?


I think we all are. Our brains have been re-wired through shock therapy. But, if you mean SJB, I don't think it's her.


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## michelle2012 (Jan 5, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Go read all of "her" threads. Stuff just doesn't add up. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Where's my tin foil?


What am I missing? What does JB stand for??


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## michelle2012 (Jan 5, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Go read all of "her" threads. Stuff just doesn't add up. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Where's my tin foil?


The last thing you need when you are already feeling so low and confused is posts like this. If you cannot provide any helpful advice, would really appreciate if you do not say anything at all. 

I am sorry if I am being rude. But this forum had kinda become my agony aunt and a source of respite from all this occasional marital mess.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

michelle2012 said:


> The last thing you need when you are already feeling so low and confused is posts like this. If you cannot provide any helpful advice, would really appreciate if you do not say anything at all. [/QOUTE]
> 
> Fair enough, but it is part of the process of the place. Many posters, myself included, have had their stories questioned.
> 
> ...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I gave advice in the beginning. Then the story just goes all haywire and I read your other threads to get a feel for what's going on in your marriage.

Your culture doesn't really allow divorce, and you've created this huge storyline about how much you love him but you both act like teenagers/children. What advice do you want? It doesn't seem like you've listened to any in this thread or really any of your others.

Go look in the mirror. Ask yourself if you really want to fix your marriage. If the answer is yes, then you need to stand up and pull a 180 on your husband. If you're not willing to do that, then you're going to be a miserable wreck for the rest of your life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Divorce is off the table. So what would you do of her does have an affair? Because he is pushing and pushing the boundary toward that.

People don't go on dating sites to gauge their attractiveness. They go to meet people to date.

But for a second let's accept his need to test his attractiveness.

So how far does he go to pass the test? 

His picture - that's just a pic and anyone who judged him like that would be giving a superficial judgement. So that's not enough.

Well then do they need to exchange messages show he can test if his writing and ideas are attractive?

Does he need to Skype with them?

Does he need to meet up with them?

Where does he need to go for to get to where he can trust the results?

-----

Obviously it's bs. He is trolling for girls. If this keeps up he will be meeting up etc.


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## michelle2012 (Jan 5, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I gave advice in the beginning. Then the story just goes all haywire and I read your other threads to get a feel for what's going on in your marriage.
> 
> Your culture doesn't really allow divorce, and you've created this huge storyline about how much you love him but you both act like teenagers/children. What advice do you want? It doesn't seem like you've listened to any in this thread or really any of your others.
> 
> Go look in the mirror. Ask yourself if you really want to fix your marriage. If the answer is yes, then you need to stand up and pull a 180 on your husband. If you're not willing to do that, then you're going to be a miserable wreck for the rest of your life.


I understand... I have been reading everyone's advice and been even acting on it to the best of my ability. But right now, I cannot help being a miserable wreck! I am facing a dilemma as to whether I should believe him this one time and give another try for a happy, trusting relationship. Or am I getting more and more entrenched in this tempest to a point of no return.

Another thing that is bothering me is that I do not want to give it all up so soon. Its just one year for crying out loud!! I want to try my best. I know I have been extremely immature and needy at times. I know we both still have a lot of growing up to do. But its more difficult than you think. How do you throw it all away just like that?

I have given him an ultimatum that if any of this nonsense repeats itself I will have to do some serious thinking. I'd rather be alone than deal with this all my life. And as Emerald rightly said, there is no way kids can come into the picture when the relationship is this volatile and messed. He has promised me that it will not be repeated. He has realized that it was a stupid thing to do. And he did not realize the repercussions. 

Right now we are just trying to be normal with each other.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Go read all of "her" threads. Stuff just doesn't add up. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Where's my tin foil?


I believe the reference is to JB100, and the assorted aliases he / she posted under. It's been a recurring theme. First time poster comes on with some unbelievablely wild story. Posts about story. Asks for advice. Doesn't take advice. Gets called a troll. Swears he / she's not a troll. Posts get more outrageous. And a recurring theme of "I can't / won't leave....I love her...can't live without her (even if she did have sex with a midget / clown circus act), etc.

I don't know, not worth the effort to weed JB's post out.

So.....



> He is 31 and I am 27. Divorce is not an option because I cannot imagine spending my life with anyone else but him. I cannot explain it. If you leave adultery aside, he is quite a catch in all other aspects. I know I sound like a fool!! But all his positives are so awesome that I do not want to let go off them. Its like 10 positives versus one HUGE negative.


He may be "quite the catch", but how happy is he making you? Does that one huge negative not outweigh all the positives? For me it would. I don't care how "wonderful" someone is, if they're being unfaithful, THEY'RE NOT YOURS. And they're not giving any of themselves to you. 

He's funny, smart, handsome, etc. How much are you enjoying any of that when in the back of your mind you're imagining him in bed with another woman? Now, it would be one thing if your fears were unfounded and you were being overly jealous, but, you're not. You've got serious red flags here, your concerns are founded, justified, and probably right.

Until you make your "man" (term used loosely here) believe you don't have him on a pedestal...believe you'll walk away from him forever if he treats you poorly (via cheating or any other way), he will do so. He knows (at least in your mind) that he's "the chit", and he has you whipped. And no matter what he does, you'll be okay with it. And he can get away with it. Because you do not feel worthy of him.

Until that changes, get used to being treated like this by him. 

He did not "realize the repurcussions" because he knew there would be none. That you'd do nothing about it. If it doesn't stop, you're "going to have to do some serious thinking"?!!!!! Whut? Well, that will teach him. 

Girl, change how you view both yourself and him. Or get ready to uncover one, if not multiple affairs.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

You have to put a hard stop to it. Or be OK with your husband fooling around for the duration of your marriage. That is the consistent advice. Normal = status quo = husband fooling around. Ultimatums don't work. Not even when the threat is something as drastic and catastrophic as "I will have to do some serious thinking." You will have done your serious thinking and nothing will have changed. Worse, you will have threatened something that you are not ready to follow through on. And your husband will understand that there are no consequences and no bounds. I see the range of meaningful courses available that may take you out of this really unpalatable "normal" as running from hard 180, which I think most of the better posters around here would say is the only effective course, to a softer but stern insistence on marital counseling to help the two of you to build some respect and boundaries in your marriage. But you'll have to have a plan for his refusal to engage in that process, which may be 180. Absent that, you are stuck in normal.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

michelle2012 said:


> I confronted him. He bluffed in the beginning but then came clean. He even uploaded his real picture on the websites. He said that apparently, I make him feel worthless (I have no ****ing clue what he is talking about!!


He's being deceptive and blameshifting, putting it all on YOU.



michelle2012 said:


> So he said that he signed up to gauge whether people still find him attractive and desirable. I asked him what would he do if a girl DOES in fact reciprocate. He said that he would be happy with that and would not initiate anything.


That's a very creative reason! You don't believe him do you?



michelle2012 said:


> I find this whole explanation so ****-and-bull!!


Whew, you're not that gullible. 



michelle2012 said:


> Now I am completely mind****ed about this and do not think there is any logical justification for this! I am so furious that I just want to get back at him. I have stooped so low that I myself went and signed myself up on the dating websites in a fit of rage and revenge.


What's that going to solve? Tit for tat, eye for an eye, when and if he screws someone else you going to to the same in return? 



michelle2012 said:


> I do not want this to jeopardize my marriage because divorce is not an option for me.


"I'm in a car heading right for the edge of a cliff at 80 mph and stepping on the brakes is not an option for me".

Think outside the box. 


I understand why people question your story. You post about a completely hopeless situation, you're married to a lying, deceptive guy, you're miserable, angry, and scared; and yet you refuse to consider the only reasonable option while screaming for HELP! from a bunch of well meaning internet posters.

Whether your particular story is true or not, it's quite common for people to trap themselves in a situation which is fairly easy to get out of, but they hold back simply because of fear.

The whole thing is incredibly sad.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> I understand... I have been reading everyone's advice and been even acting on it to the best of my ability. But right now, I cannot help being a miserable wreck! I am facing a dilemma as to whether I should believe him this one time and give another try for a happy, trusting relationship. Or am I getting more and more entrenched in this tempest to a point of no return.


Why the dilema? He created this situation by doing something WRONG. And you're left to wonder exactly what happened and have to take his word for it. Also WRONG. 

So do this....go to him now, and tell him to open up his dating profiles. You need to see the messages and what happened. If he does so, and there is nothing there, then you can believe him if you want. However, if he refuses to do so, or already has them "deleted", or "can't remember the passwords", well then, you have the answer to your dilema and need to be prepared to walk out. And he needs to believe you're walking out for good.

Until you have the answers that can only be unlocked by either his truthfulness (you're not going to get that) or what's contained within those dating profiles as far as messages, etc., you're living his lie.

If (big if) he lets you in to those profiles, take note of not only the messages and communications within, but also look in the actual "settings" area of the "members profile" and see what email address he has linked to those accounts. My bet is he has an email account (gmail, yahoo, homtmail) that you know nothing about. Don't tell him you're looking for it, just go to the "members profile" or "account settings" within the profile, and look for the email address the account is linked to. Then make him open that email account for you to see. Do not walk away from the computer while he's doing this. Do not accept "oh, honey, I already deleted those profiles". It's b.s. Once you "kill" a profile on a dating website, you can come back to it for a period of time. All you need is the login and password.

My bet is there is much more hidden within those accounts, and an email account you know nothing of. And there, then, you have...an EA (emotional affair) at the least, and may even uncover proof of a PA (physical affair).

Was he paying for these sites? If they weren't fee sites, even bigger red flag.

Were it me, I'd walk his azz to the computer and tell him "you have one chance, and one chance only. Open the dating profiles now". If he refuses, or can't, pack yourself some bags, and walk out of the damn house. And once you do, realize that he's had an affair, and once you're out the door he is going to go apechit crazy "cleaning" these accounts and anything within them. You may never again have the opportunity to get at the truth that you do at this moment.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

donny64 said:


> Once you "kill" a profile on a dating website, you can come back to it for a period of time. All you need is the login and password.


All good points except for this last one. If you delete your profile on a dating site, once it's gone, it's gone.

Then again there's a difference between being "hidden" and "deleted".


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

kindi said:


> All good points except for this last one. If you delete your profile on a dating site, once it's gone, it's gone.
> 
> Then again there's a difference between being "hidden" and "deleted".


Are you sure? I was on a couple of them years back before I met my W. Once I closed them out, they were still there. I still get "come back and fall in love" emails from them years later, even though I closed my account, haven't paid or opened them in years.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Ok, time to raid this thread. What does it cost us to post experience and advice or the OP to take some time, search this forum. I will tell you a fact, revenge affairs cause damage not to your spouse, to you. They are not productive. Breathe, relax and think, from now on the war begins, a RA clouds your mind, judgement, decisions, its scientifically proven by dopamine and oxytocin. If you are willing to save your marriage you have to take drastic measures. Throw the comp away, pull the 180, be a real woman and tolerate none of this because you deserve basic respect. It is better you know of this now and not 10 yrs later discovering youre whole marriage was a lie or to rugsweep this and call it a phase in his personality during the marriage. No, action speaks louder than words, and this is applied to your actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

donny64 said:


> Are you sure? I was on a couple of them years back before I met my W. Once I closed them out, they were still there. I still get "come back and fall in love" emails from them years later, even though I closed my account, haven't paid or opened them in years.


I guess it depends on the site. On POF for example, once you hit "delete account" you can no longer log on. 

Some sites might keep deleted accounts around to make it seem like they're busier than they really are.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

donny64 said:


> Are you sure? I was on a couple of them years back before I met my W. Once I closed them out, they were still there. I still get "come back and fall in love" emails from them years later, even though I closed my account, haven't paid or opened them in years.


I just went to my old account and it opened right back up. Not "active" but it's there, along with all of the communications I had with everyone I ever talked to. And I haven't even visited it in 3 years! 

Oh, the memories that brought back!!! The horror!!! :rofl:


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## michelle2012 (Jan 5, 2012)

kindi said:


> All good points except for this last one. If you delete your profile on a dating site, once it's gone, it's gone.
> 
> Then again there's a difference between being "hidden" and "deleted".


He says he has deleted them. Not to imply that he has cleared all evidence, but to imply that he has put all that behind him and will never go back. I did not probe further....

Ok one last question.... Is this situation 'walk out for good' worthy?? Really?!


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

michelle2012 said:


> He says he has deleted them. Not to imply that he has cleared all evidence, but to imply that he has put all that behind him and will never go back. I did not probe further....
> 
> Ok one last question.... Is this situation 'walk out for good' worthy?? Really?!


I think a better question might be "Are you willing to walk out for good if he refuses to stop the inappropriate behavior".

If not, you're basically screwed, if he doesn't know it now eventually he'll realize he can just continue doing this forever because you'll put up with anything he does.

(I know donny64 said this already, I'm just repeating for emphasis).


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

michelle2012 said:


> He says he has deleted them. Not to imply that he has cleared all evidence, but to imply that he has put all that behind him and will never go back. I did not probe further....
> 
> Ok one last question.... Is this situation 'walk out for good' worthy?? Really?!


Yes. He did something completely inappropriate. If he does not do what he needs to (open these accounts, reactivate, whatever he needs to so you can see them) to show you nothing happened, then it, for me, would be a "walk out" situation.

Now listen to this and take note. REGARDLESS OF HIS TRUE INTENT (let's suppose for one second it was as he said, innocent), HE HAS TO KNOW HOW THIS COULD LOOK TO YOU. AND THE ANXIETY IT WOULD CAUSE YOU. AND IT IS HIS FAULT. HE SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM PROVING HIS INNOCENCE TO YOU AS A RESULT.

All of this stuff didn't vanish into thin air when he "deleted" the accounts. It was linked to an email account somewhere. He could likely "reactivate" the accounts.

What sites were they with? Eharmony? Match.com? Ashlee *******? Plenty of fish? If you tell us that, maybe we can direct you on how to open or reactivate this accounts, and if it is in fact possible, before you confront him with this.

But to answer your question again, yes. If my W did such a thing that everyone in a relationship knows is wrong, and then did not accept me wanting to see what was in there, knowing the anxiety it created in me and the appearance these accounts gave off, then I would be packing bags. Maybe it wouldn't be "for good", but I'd DAMN sure have her believing it was. And it could be. Unless I was able to prove to myself this inappropriate activity was innocent, I'd have a very tough time getting past it.


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## out door gal (Aug 4, 2012)

michelle2012 said:


> I have posted on this forum before about how my husband of one year has indulged in some seemingly inappropriate behavior on a couple of occasions, by smsing a girl, much younger than him in the middle of the night while being drunk and blatantly checking out other women on other occasions etc.
> 
> Now he has taken his perversion to another level. He has signed himself up on several of the online dating websites!!! I was completely taken aback when I found out! I just couldn't seem to understand the reason! The only problem I had with him was him hanging out with his friends all the time. But romance wise, there were never any complains, still aren't. So what drove him to do something so highly obnoxious??!!
> 
> ...


you know i went through nearly the same thing..first of all u r not to blame for his bad behavior and second if he drinks..how much and how many times a week? the drinking has a lot to do with it and i imagine all of his friends drink as well..these days drinking is socially acceptable and it does not matter what they do as these people do not have to live with your husband...as they what have their own lives to deal with. If your husband is trying to see other women then what you need to do is ask him if he wants to go to MC, if not...u have to do is take extra measures within your self to really want to save your marriage..i am loosing my marriage because I retaliated and spoke my peace and got in trouble with it....when i saw my so called maid of honor sitting on my husband lap and kissing in front of me and them laughing at me,i did nothing and turned and walked away... instead of walking over and pulling this person off his lap...I walked home the and he did not come home until the next morning...When my husband stayed in a hotel Room for 40 days with his co-worker female friend ..after i asked him not too and to get another room...them he told me they oral interactions together...I was angry and he said i too was too jealous ...then to cover his stupidity they claimed i tried to say to everyone he was having an affair with the bosses daughter...which i was totally unaware of, until he was the one who told me...it just went in one ear and out the other...then i was blamed by my so called maid of honors husband for damaging their auto because she did not want me to say anything to anyone that i had caught her in bed with her husbands boss...on his yacht while her husband was passed out upstairs sitting beside my husband...I was not even five feet away looking at both of them in the birth. it was not my intention to create any havoc for anyone...my husband chalked it up as a bad mark against me..to add to his jealousy claim against me, he would drink and accuse me of fooling around on him and of trying to steal his house...or any other little excuse he could think of..95 % of the altercations would happen when he was drinking..the last time he beat me up he damaged me very badly...all in all there were to many people that were interfering in our life and cause to much of "he said she said" and i was taken to a lawyer to file for divorce..i wish i had not done that and so for five years we were off and on and now it has come down to the final crunch of our divorce ...I feel so awful and wish i could turn it around..as for all the trouble i went through I still love my husband..he was my best friend,lover and awesome partner, barring all the troubles we experienced....they say people whom have lasted 40 years or more have gone through their share of ups and downs...it all depends on how much u are willing to forgive...because every relationship has baggage .....are you willing to fight to keep what you have or let it go...how strong are you mentally to pick up and carry on. as they say....for better or for worse and in sickness or health...and NOT!!!!! until love do us part...that is awful to think that. God always gives us challenges to test our strength of our relationships... they say in alanon that ...accept the things you can not change and change the things you can and have the wisdom to know the difference .....well take care of your self and remember to never let your self esteem take a beating because you are awesome!!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Before Internet - not so easy to cheat. He opened up dating profiles to cheat & you know it. So now you will always be suspicious. Is that how you really want to live? Checking, snooping, worrying? 

If so, have at it. If not, go to counseling to deal with your feelings.

I am much older than you but newly married. My hubs is as "great" as yours so I am putting myself in your shoes. I can't be bothered with all that nonsense (checking, etc.) so I would tell him to "carry on" & our marriage is over (no sex, loving actions) & we are roomates until he decides he wants to be married or I decide I want to be single.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Michelle*
> He has signed himself up on several of the online dating websites!!!
> 
> But romance wise, there were never any complains, still aren't. So what drove him to do something so highly obnoxious??!!
> ...




Based on what you wrote you are crazy about your man and have told him so on many occasions.


> So what drove him to do something so highly obnoxious??!!


Either your husband is trying to use an excuse that he thinks that you will buy or he has some real insecure issues. Based on what you said I do not buy the *“I make him feel worthless”* line. That is probably a cop out by him.

If it is true then that is why I said that he has some serious insecurity issues. Frankly I think you would be better off with your husband just being selfish, inconsiderate, and wanting to feed his immature ego. He may have wanted to get women to stroke his ego or he may have even been thinking about getting some lust satisfied.

If your husband really does think that he is worthless then I think that will be harder to get rid of than him being a selfish and/or lustful punk. If he is being a selfish lustful punk then a real painful consequence and a very serious consequence to hold him accountable will do a lot of changing in a decent man that has got off tract.




> *By Michelle*Please tell me that is possible for people to change. That they realize their mistakes and if even I put in more effort to make the marriage happier, it will be successful...??


*Sure it is possible for people to change. Millions of couples have done it!*

In your marriage you have two people that have to change. For your part you will have to make him be accountable and work towards being trustworthy and if necessary you will have to follow up on a very harsh consequence for your husband. You will have to think up a very harsh consequence since you ruled out leaving/divorcing him.

Your husband is going to have to go the extra mile and be extremely diligent in proving to you that he is dead serious about rebuilding your trust and relationship. What does that mean? That means that he is going to have to do EVERYTHING that you think of to prove that he is going to be accountable. You need to have all of his internet password, email passwords, and all telephone access. That is just for starters. Ask him to think of other ways to prove to you that he is going to be 100% accountable. If he starts trying to make excuses for not doing that then I would be very suspicious.

*Either he really loves you and wants to build the relationship back up or he is a punk.*

Why do I think that you and your husband can rebuild? Because although what he did is very bad it is not one of the biggest marriage killers of all time. He has not been screwing some woman for months and or years and is emotionally attached. He says that what he did was “… a very senseless and thoughtless thing to”. Now is the time for him to prove that right now and for months and YEARS! If he does not he is a punk!

*If your husband is a decent man and has just been selfish, stupid, and immature for the last few months then you have a real good chance of putting your relationship back together.*

PS	
Stay away from revenge. Revenge will give you a very perverse sense of justice and satisfaction that will be temporary but will bite YOU in the butt for years to come. Having an affair with another man will only make you a punk like your husband was when he was being selfish. The main reason for not getting revenge is that it will hurt you.


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