# Was Dday a "relief" for your WS?



## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

I went to a Girls Night Out over the weekend with a few friends - none of whom know my situation at all so I did not contribute to this conversation, but I did trigger because of it.

The conversation turned to infidelity. 2 divorced women spoke candidly about how their WH's felt that once their affair was discovered by their wives ( neither husband confessed, just got caught during the PA's) that it was a relief for them to have it out in the open.. I found this shocking. A relief?? Really?? One wife was totally blindsided and destroyed by the discovery ( she even teared up at the bar telling her story) the other was already on to her WH's affair.

I find this confession of relief to be a selfish way for the WH to pass the burden of the pain on to their wives. A way to deflect the focus off of themselves.

Both PAs ended upon the wives discoveries and both couples divorced afterword. One tried to R, but the other went straight to the divorce.

Have any of you other BS's out there been told their WS was relieved that you found out?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Mine actually said to me with a straight face *"I was too embarrased to try all those sexual things with you. I didn't want you to think I was a slvt"* after I busted her doing the kamasutra with the OM. I went straight to divorce attorney and filed. She was shocked and said *"I can't believe you're going to divorce me just because I had sex with another man"*. I sure can pick the crazy ones, can't I?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Dogbert said:


> Mine actually said to me with a straight face *"I was too embarrased to try all those sexual things with you. I didn't want you to think I was a slvt"* after I busted her doing the kamasutra with the OM. I went straight to divorce attorney and filed. She was shocked and said *"I can't believe you're going to divorce me just because I had sex with another man"*. I sure can pick the crazy ones, can't I?


Wow.

Just wow.

Mind Blown.


On a funny side, your sig cracked me up!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

still so sad said:


> Have any of you other BS's out there been told their WS was relieved that you found out?


More or less.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dogbert said:


> "I can't believe you're going to divorce me just because I had sex with another man".


Hmm... he might not have been the first.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

still so sad said:


> Have any of you other BS's out there been told their *WS was relieved *that you found out?


Mine did. She had been spiraling in and out of EA-PA affairs for years. It had taken a toll on her soul and our marriage. The Cheater Train-Wreck really was the only option left. 

While painful for everyone, "relief" that the years of lies and confusion were finally over was welcomed.

In a weird way, I was relieved myself. I had been suspecting for years, soft confronted numerous times, had attempted "fix" our marriage for years, nothing worked. DD while horrible, did bring a moment of clarity and understanding clouded for years by her infidelity.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Dogbert said:


> Mine actually said to me with a straight face *"I was too embarrased to try all those sexual things with you. I didn't want you to think I was a slvt"* after I busted her doing the kamasutra with the OM. I went straight to divorce attorney and filed. She was shocked and said *"I can't believe you're going to divorce me just because I had sex with another man"*. I sure can pick the crazy ones, can't I?


Which means she was probably cheating on you long before, and possibly with other people, before you caught her. The sex with others became common place for her. Possibly your fault for not noticing sooner.


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

Mine was relieved that I confronted her and ended it. She was too chicken/ashamed to do it herself. She thanked me for being stronger than her.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... he might not have been the first.





toonaive said:


> Which means she was probably cheating on you long before, and possibly with other people, before you caught her. The sex with others became common place for her. Possibly your fault for not noticing sooner.


Anything is possible but she was very vocal against cheating and cheaters in general. So imagine my surprise when I found she had become that which she supposedly hated. It just goes to show you, that you can't trust people's words but you can trust their actions to show you who they really are.


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## tryingtogetover (Feb 7, 2015)

My WW only had a EA, but our R prompted her to examine her entire life and see who she really was. She was not very introspective before her EA, and once I caught her in the act, she lashed out and fought me for several months before she came out of the fog.

She has since thanked me for how I acted during the initial phases of the R, and has said she grew to feel relief over me finding out. I don't know if immediate relief is possible, but her growth over the last six years has proven to me that she really was, ultimately, relieved that everything happened as it did.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Good question. Not at first, in fact she totally lost touch with reality. She had herself committed as a suicide risk. (I'll never know if that was an unsuccessful ploy to get me to pity her or a real cry for help, didn't sway me either way). 

Now that the divorce is in the rear view mirror, I think she is happier that she can do what she wants and not have to lie to anyone about it. So, if you want to call that relieved that I found the truth, then yes. Although she would have preferred to stay married to me.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

RWB said:


> While painful for everyone, "relief" that the years of lies and confusion were finally over was welcomed.


Perfection reflection. I concur.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Dogbert,

What became of her post D?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

LongWalk said:


> Dogbert,
> 
> What became of her post D?


I don't know, she tried reaching out to me a few times after the divorce papers got served. I ignored her because just listening to her voice would trigger all the sadness, anger and bitterness inside me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Neither of my WW's have the first damned clue that I even know what I know about them! And I really think that I'd like to keep it that way!*


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

My FWH was very relieved. He had found himself in the middle of something he never though he would do with a person who turned out to be a slvt and a fraud, who threatened suicide if he confessed and left her. Odd how I got the "Butt call from GOD" that exposed them.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Dogbert said:


> Mine actually said to me with a straight face *"I was too embarrased to try all those sexual things with you. I didn't want you to think I was a slvt"* after I busted her doing the kamasutra with the OM. I went straight to divorce attorney and filed. She was shocked and said *"I can't believe you're going to divorce me just because I had sex with another man"*. I sure can pick the crazy ones, can't I?


******************************************************

I found my WWs phone and by viewing it i was able to confirm her Affair with her Boss...I saw a sh^t load of red flags but chose to ignore them...She acted all sorry and pleading with me to Understand??....That was all well and good until i outed the OM to his wife...She promptly kicked his A$$ out of the house..

He had his revenge with me by giving me pics of he and my wife engaged in sex acts she would NOT do with me for 22 years.She often said they were vile and disgusting..But she did them with him...

When I saw the pics that was the real D-DAY..In the end everyone (friends..family..etc..knew) She was devastated..and had no fight left...She was crushed and I filed for a D asap...

Never looked back! As far as her being relieved..she never had the chance..

P.S. Dogbert I understand


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Dogbert said:


> Mine actually said to me with a straight face *"I was too embarrased to try all those sexual things with you. I didn't want you to think I was a slvt"* after I busted her doing the kamasutra with the OM. I went straight to divorce attorney and filed. She was shocked and said *"I can't believe you're going to divorce me just because I had sex with another man"*. I sure can pick the crazy ones, can't I?


ouch WTF was she thinking ? I see so many with that mentality nowadays, play nice with the husband and play naughty with the guy she wasn't supposed to be touching. One is not a slvt if they do those things with their husbands only. One is if they go with another guy. One is even worse if they do things with OM that they wouldn't do with H. 

I applaud you Dogbert for being decisive and not putting up with the BS. I hope you won and you are better off (I know you may say 'how the hell do you know' but it's just my opinion)


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Acoa said:


> Good question. Not at first, in fact she totally lost touch with reality. She had herself committed as a suicide risk. (I'll never know if that was an unsuccessful ploy to get me to pity her or a real cry for help, didn't sway me either way).
> 
> Now that the divorce is in the rear view mirror, I think she is happier that she can do what she wants and not have to lie to anyone about it. So, if you want to call that relieved that I found the truth, then yes. Although she would have preferred to stay married to me.


her loss brother


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

badkarma2013 said:


> ******************************************************
> 
> I found my WWs phone and by viewing it i was able to confirm her Affair with her Boss...I saw a sh^t load of red flags but chose to ignore them...She acted all sorry and pleading with me to Understand??....That was all well and good until i outed the OM to his wife...She promptly kicked his A$$ out of the house..
> 
> ...


Looking back at my story, yours, and others, I'm beginning to believe that we married head cases that we allowed our love to cloud and blind our better judgement.

My heart goes out to you badkarma2013 and all my TAM brothers and sisters who have experienced this foulest of $h!t sandwhiches.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Dogbert said:


> Looking back at my story, yours, and others, I'm beginning to believe that we married head cases that we allowed our love to cloud and blind our better judgement.
> 
> My heart goes out to you badkarma2013 and all my TAM brothers and sisters who have experienced this foulest of $h!t sandwhiches.[/Q
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dogbert said:


> Anything is possible but she was very vocal against cheating and cheaters in general. So imagine my surprise when I found she had become that which she supposedly hated. It just goes to show you, that you can't trust people's words but you can trust their actions to show you who they really are.


She was frightened she could become a cheater. And, by gosh, she was right.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife got instant relief, by putting the cart before the horse.:rofl:

I can laugh, now...


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

My ex wife did. She said the guilt and anxiety were "eating her alive" and she was relieved when it was out there. I was so glad she had that weight lifted off her poor shoulders. </sarcasm>


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I was the one relieved on D-day.

I knew something was wrong for a long time but could never prove anything. So when she finally confessed (on her own pretty much) I was relieved, along with a thousand other emotions, but I was relieved it was over. Her, not so much.

She had a long term PA in the late '80s and never got caught (although I long suspected and once again could never prove it) so she just assumed she could do it again, so relief would not be a word I would use to describe her feelings that day. Now, yes, back then, no.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

My XWW was pissed when outed. She lashed out at me and couldn't get the divorce done fast enough. Looking back, I guess I'm relieved that it turned out the way it did... at the time- not so much.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It had to be a relief for my old lady when I confronted her.

Hell I just wanted to know about the one guy she was phucking at the time........she just went off on the last 13 years ...which took days to go through due to the amount of OM's.

D day and the confrontation was like an adultery laxative....shyt just came pour out.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

toonaive said:


> Which means she was probably cheating on you long before, and possibly with other people, before you caught her. The sex with others became common place for her. Possibly your fault for not noticing sooner.


Isn't that a bit of a leap? I don't find anything in the OP's posting to indicate that she possibly was cheating long before and possibly with other people as well.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-husband was not at all relieved with DD1 or DD2 because he never intended to leave me. Besides, she (same OW both times) was just a friend and nothing was going on -- even when I found the email telling her he loved her too. He just didn't want to hurt her feelings by not saying it since she told him first. Perfectly logical explanation and why couldn't I see that. 

I can smile now at the stuff he said then, and expected me to believe, because that time's gone and I'm free from all of it. Never again.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> ouch WTF was she thinking ? I see so many with that mentality nowadays, play nice with the husband and play naughty with the guy she wasn't supposed to be touching. One is not a slvt if they do those things with their husbands only. One is if they go with another guy. One is even worse if they do things with OM that they wouldn't do with H.
> 
> I applaud you Dogbert for being decisive and not putting up with the BS. I hope you won and you are better off (I know you may say 'how the hell do you know' but it's just my opinion)


I'm sure you've seen several discussions of this right here on TAM. Many women seem to have more problems dealing with their husband's EA than with a short term PA. Men tend to be the opposite.

Those two things give us a window into the opposite sex's natural thinking and can help us understand THEM and vice versa.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> My WW served me a platter of Sh*t Sandwhiches ....But I CHOSE NOT TO EAT THEM...I dine at another Restaurant these days!
> 
> P.S. You are so right...I sometime still have a hard time believing what she did with the OM and let him do to her...She acted very prudish ..Until she didnt..


This happens so often that I think we can take it as gospel. I can readily believe that many women are really afraid of appearing "****tish" to their husbands, but have no such fear with the OM because they are already being ****tish with them.

The standard problem here, and yes, I suffer from it as well, is being able to communicate with your wife about all sexual matters without shame and fear.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> She was frightened she could become a cheater. And, by gosh, she was right.


The closest thing I can compare her behavior - anti infidelity crusader - is with that of hate mongering homophobes who later on turned out to be homosexuals themselves.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya communication is important. I knew what I was getting into when I married some biker chick, so taking the old lady were and when ever and slapping her butt to send her on her way was not the best why to communicate. But letting some Jodi come a long and listen to my wife and hold her tenderly was phucked up.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

still so sad said:


> Have any of you other BS's out there been told their WS was relieved that you found out?


Yes I heard that if memory serves me correct but it's been a couple of decades ago. I bet a lot of people have either heard it or said it but it's not something to put any credibility in. Things a partner says when they've betrayed someone isn't credible because they're rationalizing and trying to rugsweep their actions and they're trying to save face if not to the BS then to them selves. This is one of a million things for a BS to trigger on. We should all remember that actions speak louder than words though. The affair (or affairs) it's self is the only real trigger. The rest is our minds playing games with us.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Healer said:


> My ex wife did. *She said the guilt and anxiety were "eating her alive" and she was relieved when it was out there.* I was so glad she had that weight lifted off her poor shoulders. </sarcasm>


At DD I got the same line. I knew from years of suspicions there was more. A week in, she cracks and the one short EA/PA affair was just the last. She had been serially cheating for years with multiple OM. 

I remember asking? So what about the all your guilt and shame over the last 7 years? Why didn't you just stop the first time, bury it, you got away with it? 

No real answer. "I don't know. I'm screwed up. I'm a horrible person. blah-blah-blah." Few months down the road, the Truth: "It was exciting, it made me feel wanted, it was addictive." 

Get the point... When caught, plead for mercy, rejoice it's over, and most important... focus everything now on Plan B (that's you). 

Just another sad chapter from the Cheater's Script Handbook.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

RWB said:


> At DD I got the same line. I knew from years of suspicions there was more. A week in, she cracks and the one short EA/PA affair was just the last. She had been serially cheating for years with multiple OM.
> 
> I remember asking? So what about the all your guilt and shame over the last 7 years? Why didn't you just stop the first time, bury it, you got away with it?
> 
> ...


Dude...





I don't know how you do it.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

RWB said:


> At DD I got the same line. I knew from years of suspicions there was more. A week in, she cracks and the one short EA/PA affair was just the last. She had been serially cheating for years with multiple OM.
> 
> I remember asking? So what about the all your guilt and shame over the last 7 years? Why didn't you just stop the first time, bury it, you got away with it?
> 
> ...


******************************************************


I applaud your efforts to R....I could not and would not carry the weight of what my WW did for eternity...

When I was finished with her and the OM...ALL of OUR LIVES..looked like Fallujah on its worst day....

Filed for D and she walked ....Never had one moments regret and never triggered ...I will make this blanket statement...Anger and Hatred are wonderful motivators...but you will find no peace with either..Badkarma

P.S. I am No Ones Plan B .....EVER


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> This happens so often that I think we can take it as gospel. I can readily believe that many women are really afraid of appearing "****tish" to their husbands, but have no such fear with the OM because they are already being ****tish with them.
> 
> The standard problem here, and yes, I suffer from it as well, is being able to communicate with your wife about all sexual matters without shame and fear.


******************************************************

Sid...I dont think communication has much to do with it...My WW and dogberts WW and from all I have seen with this phenomenon are broken women and NO amount of communication with their BHs would have them do the sex acts did with the OM...with us...

I asked for years and finally gave up.....In 6 months with the OM she was the star of a german sex film...doing...well.. you name it...

If the excuse/reason..I can do anal ,swallow,let him put hishand inside of me etc...but I cant do it with you because you make think im a slvt...you are a slvt and a lying deceiving who%e .....the reason is because you liked it...

well enjoy it now by yourself...


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

still so sad said:


> Have any of you other BS's out there been told their WS was relieved that you found out?


I haven't read this whole thread, but in response to the initial question, yes, my husband claims he was relieved once I knew of the A. He claims he couldn't figure out how to end it so me busting them was a relief. Yes, it stinks because he was a broken man at the time and in order to heal himself he had to break me basically. 

I can totally relate to being in a situation where this topic is being discussed and staying quiet. I was just contemplating this this morning. A friend was sharing that her friend was having marriage difficulty and there was a suspected affair. I so wanted to tell her everything I knew, but the other side of me fiercely wants to protect my marriage.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

A few days after d-day my WW told me she felt relief that I now knew. The guilt WW carried for two and a half years was now relieved. However that guilt and weight she carried returned ten fold as we began R. WW now says watching me for the past year has caused more guilt then ever before. I had been suicidal, depressed, hopeless, and having triggers and mind movies. I couldn't sleep and to this day can only sleep about three hours. WW has had a front row seat to the devastation and destruction she has caused. What I found odd was that her guilt ended the affair. I mean wouldn't you feel guilty entering the EA? Wouldn't you feel guilty after it became a PA? Why after six months did your guilt kick in them? My WW has given me these answers but I don't feel they adequately answer the question. Then again I don't understand cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

drifting on said:


> A few days after d-day my WW told me she felt relief that I now knew. The guilt WW carried for two and a half years was now relieved. However that guilt and weight she carried returned ten fold as we began R. WW now says watching me for the past year has caused more guilt then ever before. I had been suicidal, depressed, hopeless, and having triggers and mind movies. I couldn't sleep and to this day can only sleep about three hours. WW has had a front row seat to the devastation and destruction she has caused. What I found odd was that her guilt ended the affair. I mean wouldn't you feel guilty entering the EA? Wouldn't you feel guilty after it became a PA? Why after six months did your guilt kick in them? My WW has given me these answers but I don't feel they adequately answer the question. Then again I don't understand cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Simple things can do it. For example, being with AP, seeing something and thinking: _"Wow! This is so cool! I just have to tell drifting on about this! He'd love to see this! Wait a minute! How will I explain how I came to be here, without him? Oh, s**t! I am here with AP, because I am cheating on drifting on!"
_
And then the guilt comes and the wheels fall off the affair bus, and the fake horn falls off the head of the unicorn and the rain comes and washes the whiteness off the "unicorn" which turns out to really be a horse of a different colour.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

My WH told me the same thing. He was glad I caught him or he didn't know what might've happened & went on to say. He didn't know how to stop it. After it had gone so far. It was like being caught in a tornado that he couldn't stop. He also referred to it as an addiction.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> I found my WWs phone and by viewing it i was able to confirm her Affair with her Boss...I saw a sh^t load of red flags but chose to ignore them...She acted all sorry and pleading with me to Understand??....That was all well and good until i outed the OM to his wife...She promptly kicked his A$$ out of the house..
> 
> *He had his revenge with me by giving me pics of he and my wife engaged in sex acts she would NOT do with me for 22 years.She often said they were vile and disgusting..But she did them with him...*
> 
> ...


The OM showed you photos where your WW had lost all dignity, performing acts she clearly thought vile. One can infer had you not known the depths of your WW's indignity, you might have reconciled. Otherwise stated ... You might have learned to live with her betrayal of you, but you would not accept her betrayal of herself. Correct?


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Dogbert said:


> Anything is possible but she was very vocal against cheating and cheaters in general. So imagine my surprise when I found she had become that which she supposedly hated. It just goes to show you, that you can't trust people's words but you can trust their actions to show you who they really are.


That is a hoot isn't it? Mine was the same way. Had nothing but contempt and disgust for cheaters. Her sister's first husband cheated on her and my wife called him the most profane things imaginable. Said he didn't deserve to live among decent people. The irony.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

drifting on said:


> A few days after d-day my WW told me she felt relief that I now knew. The guilt WW carried for two and a half years was now relieved. However that guilt and weight she carried returned ten fold as we began R. WW now says watching me for the past year has caused more guilt then ever before. I had been suicidal, depressed, hopeless, and having triggers and mind movies. I couldn't sleep and to this day can only sleep about three hours. WW has had a front row seat to the devastation and destruction she has caused. What I found odd was that her guilt ended the affair. I mean wouldn't you feel guilty entering the EA? Wouldn't you feel guilty after it became a PA? Why after six months did your guilt kick in them? My WW has given me these answers but I don't feel they adequately answer the question. Then again I don't understand cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I know that pain my friend. Every morning I opened my eyes I prayed to God for someone to shoot me in the head. I wouldn't do it myself because I'd feel too guilty over what I'd be doing to my daughter but I wanted to die. I couldn't believe that the only person in the entire world I had let into the inner most circle of trust in my heart had crushed that trust and my heart along with it.

My question over and over and over was "How could _*YOU*_ do this to *ME*?" Not that she couldn't betray someone or lie to someone but how could she do that to me? I could *NEVER *have done something like that to her. I'd rather walk through fire and burn alive than to have ever done something like that to her. That is the thing that plagued me for two years. She offered so many answers but it really didn't help until she said _"I'm a bad person, that's how. I am not a good person but if you can somehow find it in your heart to forgive me I want to spend the rest of my life with you and ask you to help me be a better person."_ Once she said to my face that she knows she is a bad person then, and only then, did I start to think she might be worth staying with. She completely humbled herself. No "you did this or that." No more excuses. Just that she is a bad person, is truly sorry, and is asking my help. Maybe different people need different things from WS's. That worked for me.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> The OM showed you photos where your WW had lost all dignity, performing acts she clearly thought vile. One can infer had you not known the depths of your WW's indignity, you might have reconciled. Otherwise stated ... You might have learned to live with her betrayal of you, but you would not accept her betrayal of herself. Correct?



Pretty da*n close...In retrospect I think seeing the pics destroyed any hopes of R for me...I truly cannot answer the rest...I was never give the chance...I think even if the pics we not the "kill shot" they were...if she had told me the Truth and i had asked and been give the real details..I do not think i know I would haveNEVER overed it....

Its been a while since the D was final...and she the Om have left town.......... I sometimes wonder what could cause such a value change in ones personality...Badkarma


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> ******************************************************
> 
> Sid...I dont think communication has much to do with it...My WW and dogberts WW and from all I have seen with this phenomenon are broken women and NO amount of communication with their BHs would have them do the sex acts did with the OM...with us...
> 
> ...


You may be right about communication. But I still think that it is involved otherwise how does she get the idea that you'd think her "a slvt and a lying deceiving who%e."


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

KingwoodKev said:


> I know that pain my friend. Every morning I opened my eyes I prayed to God for someone to shoot me in the head. I wouldn't do it myself because I'd feel too guilty over what I'd be doing to my daughter but I wanted to die. I couldn't believe that the only person in the entire world I had let into the inner most circle of trust in my heart had crushed that trust and my heart along with it.
> 
> My question over and over and over was "How could _*YOU*_ do this to *ME*?" Not that she couldn't betray someone or lie to someone but how could she do that to me? I could *NEVER *have done something like that to her. I'd rather walk through fire and burn alive than to have ever done something like that to her. That is the thing that plagued me for two years. She offered so many answers but it really didn't help until she said _"I'm a bad person, that's how. I am not a good person but if you can somehow find it in your heart to forgive me I want to spend the rest of my life with you and ask you to help me be a better person."_ Once she said to my face that she knows she is a bad person then, and only then, did I start to think she might be worth staying with. She completely humbled herself. No "you did this or that." No more excuses. Just that she is a bad person, is truly sorry, and is asking my help. Maybe different people need different things from WS's. That worked for me.


Kev, very often the WW does give her reasons and yours might have as well. And very often the BH doesn't believe them mainly because men and women are often wired differently. 

What your wife seems to have done is look for a reason you'd accept. As you say, she offered many examples. They were probably all true to one extent or another. Her final explanation -- I am a bad person -- is both true and satisfying to you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

sidney2718 said:


> You may be right about communication. But I still think that it is involved otherwise how does she get the idea that you'd think her "a slvt and a lying deceiving who%e."


And that's a bad thing?:scratchhead:

The world needs slvt's and who%e, just like we need ditch diggers

Just kidding guy's.....I'm just from the other side of the tracks.

And one more thing....lets leave lying and deceit to our wayward spouses....who%e's work hard for their money, so lets not put them in the same group as the folks that are just rotten from the inside out.

Thing about wh0%e's is you always know how much before the trick..you don't get that from cheaters and cons.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for the big time threadjack!


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

sidney2718 said:


> Kev, very often the WW does give her reasons and yours might have as well. And very often the BH doesn't believe them mainly because men and women are often wired differently.
> 
> What your wife seems to have done is look for a reason you'd accept. As you say, she offered many examples. They were probably all true to one extent or another. Her final explanation -- I am a bad person -- is both true and satisfying to you.


You're right but I needed that whole truth. The rest were all bullsh!t. It's like a drug addict or alcoholic that will make every excuse in the world except admitting that they're an addict. The only way they ever get better, and the very first step that is absolutely essential to recovery, is to admit they're an addict. Cheaters are bad people. Only a bad person could commit that level of betrayal. I'm not saying they can't be redeemed but for that to begin they have to admit what they are. Anything other than that and the redemption will fail at some point the same as it does for addicts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

sidney2718 said:


> Kev, Her final explanation -- I am a bad person -- is both true and satisfying to you.


Hell, I'm a bad person and I don't lie or cheat.

I think for some folks getting this infidelity crap off your back and out in the open is a healthy thing.

But then there is other folks that can't admit to being twisted and will always phuck around.

In short I think it's a good thing that a wayward finds relief. The other side of the coin is why have relief for something when one did nothing wrong....as they wipe someone else' love juice off their chin.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

KingwoodKev said:


> I know that pain my friend. Every morning I opened my eyes I prayed to God for someone to shoot me in the head. I wouldn't do it myself because I'd feel too guilty over what I'd be doing to my daughter but I wanted to die. I couldn't believe that the only person in the entire world I had let into the inner most circle of trust in my heart had crushed that trust and my heart along with it.
> 
> My question over and over and over was "How could _*YOU*_ do this to *ME*?" Not that she couldn't betray someone or lie to someone but how could she do that to me? I could *NEVER *have done something like that to her. I'd rather walk through fire and burn alive than to have ever done something like that to her. That is the thing that plagued me for two years. She offered so many answers but it really didn't help until she said _"I'm a bad person, that's how. I am not a good person but if you can somehow find it in your heart to forgive me I want to spend the rest of my life with you and ask you to help me be a better person."_ Once she said to my face that she knows she is a bad person then, and only then, did I start to think she might be worth staying with. She completely humbled herself. No "you did this or that." No more excuses. Just that she is a bad person, is truly sorry, and is asking my help. Maybe different people need different things from WS's. That worked for me.


You fell for the old "The Devil Made Me Do it?"

If a 26 year marriage to you did not make her a good person, how can you help her now? How did you fail her before?


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

jim123 said:


> You fell for the old "The Devil Made Me Do it?"
> 
> If a 26 year marriage to you did not make her a good person, how can you help her now? How did you fail her before?


She failed herself and her husband and her children. She admitted that and is doing the work to recover. Life is better.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jim123 said:


> You fell for the old "The Devil Made Me Do it?"
> 
> If a 26 year marriage to you did not make her a good person, how can you help her now? How did you fail her before?


If I may....

You can help her now by spanking her.

You failed before by not spanking her.



The devil makes us all do a lot bad shyt,,,it's God that wants us to take the lead and *control* our marriage.

Did I say control????? I'm sorry, I meant lead.


FYI, if she does except/need her punishment.....hold on tight they do wiggle around a lot!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

All's I'm saying is with relief comes consequences....actually some folks find relief with the stinging pain of a good spanking.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

John Mellencamp - Hurts So Good


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> You may be right about communication. But I still think that it is involved otherwise how does she get the idea that you'd think her "a slvt and a lying deceiving who%e."


We project what we know about ourselves to be true, even if only subconsciously.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

RWB said:


> John Mellencamp - Hurts So Good


I'm not so sure it was "hurt so good" but more so a a relief in paying her (WW) wrong doings ( I can't spell pentence) for the betrayal.

I guess I'm combining plan of 9's thread "pound of flesh" with this "relief" thread.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Jung_admirer said:


> We project what we know about ourselves to be true, even if only subconsciously.


I pretty much tell people whats what, and I'm pretty conscious about it.

To bad my old lady didn't see it that why, cuz subconsciously she is still a biker chick!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The world needs biker chicks too.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

KingwoodKev said:


> I know that pain my friend. Every morning I opened my eyes I prayed to God for someone to shoot me in the head. I wouldn't do it myself because I'd feel too guilty over what I'd be doing to my daughter but I wanted to die. I couldn't believe that the only person in the entire world I had let into the inner most circle of trust in my heart had crushed that trust and my heart along with it.
> 
> My question over and over and over was "How could _*YOU*_ do this to *ME*?" Not that she couldn't betray someone or lie to someone but how could she do that to me? I could *NEVER *have done something like that to her. I'd rather walk through fire and burn alive than to have ever done something like that to her. That is the thing that plagued me for two years. She offered so many answers but it really didn't help until she said _"I'm a bad person, that's how. I am not a good person but if you can somehow find it in your heart to forgive me I want to spend the rest of my life with you and ask you to help me be a better person."_ Once she said to my face that she knows she is a bad person then, and only then, did I start to think she might be worth staying with. She completely humbled herself. No "you did this or that." No more excuses. Just that she is a bad person, is truly sorry, and is asking my help. Maybe different people need different things from WS's. That worked for me.




KingwoodKev 

Buddy I hear you on the pain and death. Fact is I had several ways to die but couldn't go through with them. Closest I came was sitting six feet from railroad tracks and watching three trains pass. Many times I regret I just didn't walk head down into the train. I also sat at my kitchen table with my sig .45, couldn't do that either. I'm thankful those days have passed. Many parts of me died when I learned of my WW affair. At family gatherings I sat by myself when the old me would have been making people laugh. I desired no contact with family or friends. But you have to understand that things will change such as yourself and your wife. Some changes for the better and some not. What you need to do is find the old you and fight like hell to reclaim it. Only you can do this.

Your wife changed also, she will never be what she was. For me that was crushing as my WW was so energetic, full of life, beautiful, radiant, and funny. I don't see much of that in her now, and it's a direct result of her affair and watching me go down in flames. Since then my WW has tightened her belt and been doing everything to correct our marriage. I don't get to sit around and reap these rewards, I have work that needs to be done also. I'm not sure from what you posted but many times I feel that you hate your wife. You can't do this, however, you can hate what she did. That is what I do, hate what she did, what she is capable of, hate the lies, hate the actions, but don't hate the person. 

Your wife like mine, made some terrible choices that devastated us to new lows. Your wife has hit rock bottom and is now reaching out to you for help. Be there for her if you are reconciling. Be there for her if you divorce, help her as she is your children's mother. Give that gift of helping her to your children. Your children will respect you for being a humanitarian. Reconciliation is a gift, from the BS that benefits both spouses. Kev, you are in love and love your wife deeply. I hope you take that leap of faith fully. I hope you both fully commit to reconciliation. So remove the hate for her and hate her previous actions. Reflect on yourself and correct your faults, you can only control yourself. You can't control your wife, start with easy trust building steps and be vulnerable with your wife. 

Have communication that you previously didn't have. As much as you say your marriage was great, it obviously had some flaws somewhere. Shore those up and begin to tear down your walls of resentment. You are very angry, and I get that as I am too, but direct that anger elsewhere. Let the anger go through you, think it through then let go of it. You have said you are a marine, marines are taught to adapt and overcome. Use that training, you were trained that way to remain thinking under pressure. To think under extreme times of duress. You have a wife who sat in limbo waiting for you for two years. This had to be complete hell for her, her children have left her, she has paid her price too. I'm not saying she didn't deserve it but kev, she waited out of love for you and her family. Yes her betrayal was very damaging to say the least, she has remorse and regret. She is also a human being who has suffered for two long years. 

I have forgiven my wife for her betrayal to me, something I hope you can do eventually also. You are in a process that is slow and needs time. Take each day as they come and enjoy your new marriage with your wife. Enjoy becoming a family again slowly. Encourage your children to voice their issues with their mother. Keep going to counseling to better all of your and your children's relationships. 

I wish you the best of luck Kev.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

posted by drifting on:
"I have forgiven my wife for her betrayal to me, something I hope you can do eventually also. You are in a process that is slow and needs time. Take each day as they come and enjoy your new marriage with your wife. Enjoy becoming a family again slowly. Encourage your children to voice their issues with their mother. Keep going to counseling to better all of your and your children's relationships. "
*******************************************************

I am not anti R...however in my (hobby) studies of Religion(s)....
Ever one of them say We Must Forgive those who hurt or offended us..EVERYONE of them..Christian..Muslim..Hindi ...All of them say we must forgive...NONE say I must R..or even attempt to R...NONE...

..Here is a quote to give some thought to.." One must never confuse Forgiveness with Reconciliation ...for they Are Not the same thing.."

Badkarma


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> posted by drifting on:
> "I have forgiven my wife for her betrayal to me, something I hope you can do eventually also. You are in a process that is slow and needs time. Take each day as they come and enjoy your new marriage with your wife. Enjoy becoming a family again slowly. Encourage your children to voice their issues with their mother. Keep going to counseling to better all of your and your children's relationships. "
> *******************************************************
> 
> ...



Badkarma

I fully agree with what you are saying. Reconciliation is a gift from the BS if accepted by the WS. Just to add it doesn't mean we forget either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Badkarma
> 
> I fully agree with what you are saying. Reconciliation is a gift from the BS if accepted by the WS. Just to add it doesn't mean we forget either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



*******************************************************

You are right on both counts...it is a gift if the BS chooses to give it...and I Will never forget....ever...

P.S. I choose not to give it.....and have been the better for it...Badkarma


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