# Out of sync and tired of trying to fix it



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

For those who don't know my story - a quick snapshot. I was a sex refuser for many years of our marriage due to religious sexual repression issues. After having a sexual awakening and working through my faulty thinking patterns, and starting to enjoy sex again, I hit menopause and then lost my ability to orgasm. Then my husband started to have issues performing. We worked through all that, with the help of hormone therapy and a sex therapist - and had a very active sex life for several years. 

Once again our bodies are betraying us - and we are out of sync again. When my body works, his doesn't. When his does, mine doesn't. I know there are also some other issues playing into this - but frankly, I am tired of trying to fix things for us. I feel like I am responsible for his orgasm and mine. He won't do the things he needs to do to improve his situation (such as lose weight and exercise). I give him things to read to try to help with my libido, and he continues to do the same old stuff that isn't working any more. And his weight has gotten to the point where it is turning me off and I am starting to feel some resentment towards him for not caring enough to make some changes. I work hard to keep in shape, and to look good for him. 

I don't won't to progress to a sexless marriage, but this past year things just keep going down hill in this area - and we are almost there. I am done trying - at least thats how I am feeling right now!
What's the point when he won't put in the effort? 

Don't get me wrong - he is not a bad guy. He is a good husband in every other way. He is a fantastic father and grandfather. We get a long for the most part and spend a lot of time together doing things we enjoy. I am totally frustrated and worn out in trying to keep our sex life alive. After denying my sexual feelings for so long, and finally getting to a point where things were really good in that department, to have it go bad again is really depressing. But I just don't have the energy and the desire to keep trying anymore.

At what point do you just let nature take its course when your body quits responding? We are both in our late 50's. I guess the golden years are not going to be so golden for us!! :frown2:


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Thanks Olivia. It really sucks doesn't it! This morning I tried hard to let things happen. And my body responded - his did not. He won't talk about it. So now what? Just pretend things are good? So frustrating!!!!


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Olivia, I am so sorry. Did you say something that hurt him? These situations are so frustrating and hard, words slip out that you wish you could take back. But you can't, u just have to go forward. Talk to him and tell him what you were/are feeling.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Sorry ladies, but have a look at this (warning strong language,terms and outlines) it all about setting a goal to have intimacy and bonding in eveything without a goal or end, 

Its total new wave hogwash to me but may help yall. I will say that it true that you have to have a relationship outside of the bedroom because no one can have sex all day. It's also true you can have good sex with no orgasm and all sex is good sex no matter the outcome unless it's starfish or forced. If you make sex work as in a job then no one wants to do it but if you make it playful fun with no goal but to have fun and remember your on the same team


https://www.reddit.com/r/karezza


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I can't tell you how many times I have said things that were hurtful. Sometimes I am concentrating so hard to get my body to work, or to help his work, and he will do something that aggravates me and its like my balloon pops and the whole thing fizzles quickly. Sometimes I roll over and cry, sometimes I say something hurtful because I want him to feel the pain I am feeling. It's not good, but it happens. 

At least your husband tries to work with you. He loves you, talk about it and keep working it out - work together to work it out. Chances are the hurt he feels is coming more from the hurt he knows you are feeling, and not what you did or said. Hang in there.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

yeah Dash - thats one of the things our sex therapist said too. Bought the books, he won't read them, won't do it unless I push it on him, then he goes along for so long and reverts back to same old stuff. And frankly, I want the damm orgasm. I just do!!!!


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

mary35 said:


> yeah Dash - thats one of the things our sex therapist said too. Bought the books, he won't read them, won't do it unless I push it on him, then he goes along for so long and reverts back to same old stuff. And frankly, I want the damm orgasm. I just do!!!!


 Sounds like you need a toy ?? ( electric )


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh dear @mary35 you could be writing about my husband too! The weight gain, being out of shape ( though he is still as strong as a damn gorilla which angers me because I can't even lift easy stuff!) though in the past he had ED it's not too much of a problem. I had sexual problems too early in our marriage and then turned into a horny beast once I figured out my issues and worked on them...and then menopause hit and the orgasms disappeared. Got on HRT and I can orgasm just like before but I no longer have a DRIVE to have sex. I have responsive desire most of the time. We went from sex 3-5 times a week to now once every other week.

Have you asked your husband why he won't read the things you've asked him to read? You know what you want but do you know what he wants? How often does he want to have sex? What kinds of erotic thoughts turn him on? What does he suggest?

Basically it sounds like everything else in your marriage is really good but your sex life is being allowed to Peter out and fad into the sun set. Is your H okay with that? Does he maybe expect that this is normal...because it isn't! We humans are capable of having a great sex life up until we're put on life support.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

mary35 said:


> At what point do you just let nature take its course when your body quits responding? We are both in our late 50's. I guess the golden years are not going to be so golden for us!! :frown2:


This is very hard for me to type and admit. I hate to bi!ch and whine.

I am pushing 70 and look and feel 50-55 [most days, not all!] This too, is fading.

I have done a lifetime of working out [run, bike, swim], eating right, keeping my weight at a lean level. I am on testosterone therapy. I never smoked, and drink moderately [beer].

Guess what? In the last 5 years, my body has [off and on] failed me in the bedroom. 

I do not run out of steam. I have more than enough energy, mental and physical. And I am horny. But, I am tired of doing only oral to her.

It is now at the point where PIV is darn near impossible. This crushes a man's ego...especially one who prided himself on his sexual vigor and prowess. 

My wife says that she is not worried about it. She is a little older than me and I believe that she is being honest.....mostly.

However, I am sure that she misses that part of our life. I see what she watches on TV when I am not around. Younger horny couples going at it. She watches soap operas and reality shows. Every feature flaunts a man's sexuality. I hate this.

*THIS BODILY SITUATION ENRAGES ME*.

It enrages me because I cannot do anything about. Doctors and the medical community and drug companies can only help out so much. I am an expert on the subject. Why? Because I never take no for an answer.

*I freakin never give up on anything. I will be jogging and doing push-ups in my coffin.
*
I am considering a penile implant next year. Since* Mother Nature *will not cooperate with me, then I am going to stand her up by bowing to a Mortal Surgeon, a lessor God. 

*Bionic dik for me*.

Wife says she will leave me if I do this. 

Oh boy, 45 years of head-butting continues!

I will not be thwarted. Only death shall give me a comeuppance.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@SunCMars

You go boy! Get that bionic dik and keep at it! 

Don't give up!


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Dealing with similar issues, but we're a little younger, me 48, she 54. We hate change but need to accept it's going to be different than 25 years ago. I find we are doing a lot more 68 (if it doesn't work for one of us next time it'll be mainly for them). That and we sure to make time for "naked time", sex isn't expected but usually happens in some form (even it is just self service). Looking forward to the sex in the old folks home, eventually.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> This is very hard for me to type and admit. I hate to bi!ch and whine.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> . Doctors and the medical community and drug companies can only help out so much. I am an expert on the subject. Why? Because I never take no for an answer.





2ndchanceGuy said:


> [Why don't you use Viagra or Cialis ?


I kind of think SunC has tried these, and more.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> We humans are capable of having a great sex life up until we're put on life support.


If only it were so!

This sucks. Three of my favorite posters having problems.

My wife and I also had a sexual "awakening" three or four years ago. I had a change of meds a couple of months ago that absolutely killed my desire. But it never occurred to me to just give up and we've worked our way back to pretty close to where we were. But, sooner or later, it's just not going to work. My wife and I have an excellent marriage, but I'm not ready to just cross intimacy off the menu and be happy about it. I dread the day.

When getting an erection is hit or miss, I imagine that any negativity has the potential to make things worse.

But what I can't understand is why the husbands won't try everything possible to fix it (even going as far as penile implants if necessary). After all, they must have gone through periods when they wanted sex and it was unavailable to them, so they should understand. I guess that there's a chance in Mary and Anon's cases where the husband might be thinking "it's her turn". I hope they're better than that.

I'm inclined to suggest walking away. But then, the husbands didn't walk away when they were in the same situation. However, I would have told them to walk away as well. 

I could deal with my spouse losing her desire, but I'd have a hard time with it if she refused to try and do something about it.

Yet another instance of youth being wasted on the young!

The best I can do is make sure that I try to pass on to my kids what I've learned.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Good intimacy earlier on, like travel, kids, pets, etc creates memories. Those memories can keep things going mentally and emotionally long after the plumbing has succumbed...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@mary35, 

My H's recurring Performance Anxiety issues have caused me to do a lot of reading on the topic. He's not yet 40, so not quite in the same boat as you and your H but devastating nevertheless. Many of the articles actually deal with the effect of declining desire in "aging" males and ways to counteract those effects. One of the better articles I read were in psychology today. Dan Pollet's 4 part blog called Aging and Male Sexual Desire was especially interesting. The 4th installment is probably one that you should read. It discusses your situation and explains how the buddhist concept of Mindfulness can help. It was instrumental in helping me deal with H's PA. 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...le-sexual-desire-iv-mindfulness-secret-elixir


"_There is one more crucial ingredient to healthy sexual aging I wish to mention and this is both an attitude towards life and a capacity of the mind. This is called Mindfulness. Mindfulness is the lynchpin of Buddhist Psychology and is practiced as a means of training attention and improving awareness. The objective of this training is ultimately to reduce suffering by seeing things as they are and accepting them as is. Suffering in Buddhist psychology is conceptualized as resulting from our inability to accept change or impermanence and to remain attached (to whatever does not serve us including self-defeating thoughts and emotions). When we are mindful we are in a mental state of “non-reactive, non-judgmental awareness.” When mindful, we are present in the moment, leaning in to what is happening embracing whatever presents itself with equanimity and gratitude. 

Now we cannot all be Buddha like or enlightened but this is a mindset that will be in the service of healthy adaptation to our inevitably aging bodies. Instead of fearing the changing conditions and symptoms of aging, trying desperately to hold on and resist, mindfulness leads to acceptance and then to doing the best you can with what you have, no matter how old or disabled. You don’t have to like it, but resisting the change or comparing yourself with what you had or did when you were younger is not helpful. Keeping yourself in a state where you desire sex when everything moves slower, feels different, and sags requires more than a pill or fitter muscles, it necessitates a “mindful brain” that is equal parts self-accepting and compassionate and relational: connected and connecting. The embers of the sexual fire then do not extinguish but are fanned to a mellow glow by loving presence._"


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lila said:


> @mary35,
> 
> My H's recurring Performance Anxiety issues have caused me to do a lot of reading on the topic. deal with H's PA.
> 
> "_There is one more crucial ingredient to healthy sexual aging I wish to mention and this is both an attitude towards life and a capacity of the mind. This is called Mindfulness. Mindfulness is the lynchpin of Buddhist Psychology and is practiced as a means of training attention and improving awareness. The objective of this training is ultimately to reduce suffering by seeing things as they are and accepting them as is. Now we cannot all be Buddha like or enlightened but this is a mindset that will be in the service of healthy adaptation to our inevitably aging bodies. embers of the sexual fire then do not extinguish but are fanned to a mellow glow by loving presence._"


OP, you are indeed 'out of sync", but your are not out of luck.
_________________________________________________
Lila- as to Buddhism.
This is a good way to face and deal with life. I would recommend this to anyone who can transcend our wondrous, vulnerable and fragile life "in the flesh"; one that passes in a flash". Our flesh starts its slow decay-cycle once the bloom of youth drops its beautiful petals. It then slowly fades and falls away.

*I TOO AM OUT OF SYNC*......great term!

For me? Enlightened acquiescence is rotgut whiskey that I am forced to spit out. I am inclined to curse at Jehovah as did Ahab when he self-lashed himself to the mast of the Pequoid and later when he self-tethered himself via his harpoon's rope to Moby Di{k and dragged to the depths of Davey Jones Locker.

I am more comfortable battling to the end. Putting on a complacent Sad-Sack "Woe is Me face" is failure of Will, not flesh. I did not create my skin covered bag of bones or the DNA formula that manages "it" under the unforgiving auspices of the synergetic soup of our Universe. 

When a modern Cro-Magnum man loses a leg, he does not limp around with one good leg, a crutch and a hanging stump, he gets a prosthetic leg. One that looks like the other and does a decent job of getting him to his destination.

Men get dental implants and crowns, They get artificial hearts and knees and hips and back braces. They get new corneas from cadavers and skin grown from petri dishes. And the ladies get new and beautiful silicone boobs.

I will get a three piece inflatable dik and I will continue to go "balls to the wall'.

I love this life. God, the things we can say and do!

Let Buddha and his adherents sit and grin. I will be pleasuring my wife, as before, with no flat-tires on the sensual journey.

From what I have seen on-line [Peter graphics], you cannot tell the difference. Instead of blood doing the hydraulics, you have saline water doing the inflation via a hidden internal pump. Every thing else remains the same.


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

You think you have it bad?

So I'm in my home office reading this and my wife is upstairs drunk and passed out again. Just after dinner, she sashayed up and said "I want to make love to my husband." And, I had the good sense to know that she was figuratively three tokes over the line. But, we adjourned to the bedroom, cuddled and she was out, not with a bang but a whimper. It's been a month and a half since any frisky business. 

She doesn't like oral herself--won't allow it...eewwww. Has in the six years we've been married pleasured me twice with a bj (is it really a bj if there's no blow?) for about 20 seconds until "lock jaw" set in. She's a closed mouth kisser, had breast reduction so there's no feeling there, and keeps her knees clinched so there's no finger fun. So sex when it happens is not just vanilla because even vanilla has some color and flavor. It's basic missionary with her heels on the bed. Doggie, forget it because I once hit her cervix and so it's just not happening. 

You may not think you have blessings, but while you may have a hole in your shoe, some of us are barefooted.

Oh, and because of her drinking about 1800 calories a day, she's 40 pounds over weight. 

There, finished with the whining.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> For me? Enlightened acquiescence is rotgut whiskey that I am forced to spit out. I am inclined to curse at Jehovah as did Ahab when he self-lashed himself to the mast of the Pequoid and later when he self-tethered himself via his harpoon's rope to Moby Di{k and dragged to the depths of Davey Jones Locker.
> 
> I am more comfortable battling to the end. Putting on a complacent Sad-Sack "Woe is Me face" is failure of Will, not flesh. I did not create my skin covered bag of bones or the DNA formula that manages "it" under the unforgiving auspices of the synergetic soup of our Universe.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Back in Buddha's day, they didn't have a choice.

It's like how every one talks about how wonderful nature is. 

I watch a NatGeo special and I see the new male lions (after taking over a pride) kill all the cubs and then the lionesses rub up against their cubs killer(s) because they want to get it on.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> If only it were so!
> 
> This sucks. Three of my favorite posters having problems.
> 
> ...



Yes, the most frustrating thing is when a spouse prefers his or her head in the sand rather than keep trying and searching for answers. I mean we are all adults who tell our kids to keep at it, keep trying, keep doing...and we don't take our own advice.

We kind of solved the ED issues and my H doesn't have that issue very often. I have some penetrative toys we pull out and happily use if the reaction isn't happening. Since I went through that hormonal dip making orgasms impossible, we both feel like it's not a big deal if things aren't happening the way we want them to. 

So it boils down to effort. How much effort are you willing to put into your sex life? 

Yes youth is wanted on the young but I'm very happy to be here. i think of those who are no longer here and I imagine them telling me to get on with it and enjoy life. You only get one.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> So it boils down to effort.


Yep. This is what most things boil down to.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> So it boils down to effort. How much effort are you willing to put into your sex life?


Yes, but at times effort can be tiring, especially when one recalls a time it was effortless. I'm very glad about our usual Sunday afternoon "dates" (schedulely, but it started organically years ago), those are still fairly effortless.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Mary35

For clarification purposes, my post about practicing mindfulness was meant as a suggestion for you, not your husband. 

You can't change him. He's going to do, or not do, whatever he wants. If you choose to stay in the relationship with him, mindfulness will help you cope with resentment. It'll help you make the best of the hand you're dealt.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> When I was in my early 40s I believed in acceptance and "aging gracefully".
> 
> As I approach 50: not so much anymore...
> 
> I've been "enlightened".



I used to believe I'd fight the aging process tooth and nail until we started experiencing in our mid 30s what's typically associated with "aging" couples. Made me rethink my position. I was staring at a loooong fight.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Are you both fixated on him having an erection and both having orgasms?

If so, I'd start by dropping that fixation.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

NO Mary35!...you've been through & overcame so much in the past 8 yrs.. sorry to read your thread...

So Viagra or Cialis.. this not helping or he can't take it.. didn't see it mentioned but by one poster. I'm always thinking, as we age.. thank god we live today!

So much of this is a weight issue, which is downing his libido, his stamina...

Beings he hung in there all those years.. his sexually Prime years when he wasn't fulfilled, all of us can imagine how frustrated/ unhappy he was, yet remained for the family..... do you feel he's still holding on to some resentment , even if he's not verbalizing it. ...do you feel this is at least a part of it ..add his "just not feeling it anymore".. almost sounds he has given up.. 

Does he understand the gravity.. that you are thinking of walking away?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> But what I can't understand is why the husbands won't try everything possible to fix it (even going as far as penile implants if necessary). After all, they must have gone through periods when they wanted sex and it was unavailable to them, so they should understand. I guess that there's a chance in Mary and Anon's cases where the husband might be thinking "it's her turn". I hope they're better than that.


Count me as one who is not better than that. I am suer you are shocked, shocked to read that.



> I'm inclined to suggest walking away. But then, the husbands didn't walk away when they were in the same situation. However, I would have told them to walk away as well.


Yes, walk away because your H in his 50s can no longer reliably get it up, keep it up, and pump away long enough. Your kids are going to love hearing that Mom left Dad because he got old and could no longer perform as his younger self did. Especially when younger Dad put up with years of being refused.

Not saying the wife should stay. No one knows better than I do the pain triggered by a spouse's refusal to work on sexual mismatches.
But I can also understand why a wife would think twice (or more) before pulling the plug on a long term marriage over this issue. How much is a Sybion machine? I am guessing less than the cost of a divorce if there are assets worth fighting over.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Good grief! This aging thing y'all are talking about is depressing. I'm 54, my wife is 50, and we still do it with regularity (5 to 6 times a week, give or take). I can't imagine a life without some kind of sex. Less frequency I could live with, but I would most definitely have an extremely tough time giving up that extremely pleasurable outlet. Of course, I'm the kind of man who would make sure my wife would be taken care of in that department if the situation ever arose, and I know that she would take care of me, too.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> I'm sure you mean that sincerely, but you probably don't know just how difficult a situation it can be. And when a difficult situation goes on for a long time, it becomes even more difficult because the patience gets thin, the mouth shoots off things that hurt the relationship and the whole enterprise gets complicated, messy and exasperating. And that's not sexy.


You're right. I don't know how difficult it can be, and I'm really not anxious to find out, either.:frown2:

And I do know that things can be said in the heat of the moment when frustration comes to the forefront. Believe me, my wife and I have both said some very unkind things to each other over the years. It's extremely tough to overcome if it's a definite gut shot. You have to back off, cool off, find some remorse inside yourself, say you're sorry, and not say it again. On the other side, you just have to put those words into perspective, and realize that it was just anger speaking, and put it behind you and move on. Sometimes that is very difficult, but it can be done. True love can overcome hurtful words. Learning to heal the breach of trust takes longer.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> Yes, we've both overcome some difficult "gut shots" in the past, but this brings it to a whole new level. I have asked for forgiveness and he has granted it, but the hurt in his eyes.... I still feel sick today. Getting over this is going to take a while. I hope it's possible.


It must have been really bad. I hope you can find a way to help him heal. If it's as bad as you think, it make take a while. It's not usually the words themselves that hurt that long, just the trust that you broke by saying them. When you see real pain in the person you love, and know you are the cause, you absolutely have to make it up any way you can. No matter how sorry you are, and how much you say it, the pain doesn't just go away overnight. It can take days, or weeks to truly put it behind you. You also have to make a pledge to yourself that no matter how much you want to say something that hurtful again, you will NEVER, EVER say those words again.

It's a good sign that he is willing to put it behind him, and my guess is he will. He definitely won't forget what you did, but he will get past the hurt with time. Broken trust takes time to heal.

Good luck to you, Olivia. Make sure he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are sorry, and that it will NEVER happen again.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Thank you for the replies and suggestions. To clarify, Olivia is right, I did not mean to suggest that I was walking away from my marriage. By most people's standards (including mine) I have a very good marriage, and a wonderful husband. We have been together a long time and have been through a great deal. He is a wonderful, caring man, and has stuck it out with me in spite of all of my mistakes and faults. No - walking away is not even on my radar. 

I had a really bad morning yesterday and my post was written out of frustration, anger, and despair. A lot of these emotions are a result of problems with my body and the frustration of working so hard to fix things, and succeeding, then having it go down hill again - for both me and my husband. As I said - both of our bodies are betraying us, not just his. And I am sure some of his issues are caused because of his concern and frustration with my issues. It appears we are in our own kind of Catch 22 situation at the moment. 

I will try to address some of the things raised. As far as ED goes, we have mostly fixed that issue, but occasionally it still occurs now and then. We have learned it is temporary and if we let it get to us, it exacerbates the problem. If we relax and try different things, he can usually rise to the occasion again and continue on. This issue has not occurred for awhile, so when it did, it through me for a loop - and because I have been experiencing my own physical issues, I was already an emotional mess, so did not handle it well. I know logically that it is not because he does not find me attractive or does not desire me - but now and then my emotions get the better of me and that is exactly how I feel - unattractive and not desirable to him. Yesterday morning was one of those mornings.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

As to why he won't read the stuff I ask him to read or make the changes he needs to make - part of it is his personality. So - perhaps that's where the mindfullness thinking comes in - accepting the things I can't change. He is what I call "a life floater", meaning he tends to float wherever the river leads in some aspects of his life. This personality characteristic is probably the biggest reason he stayed with me through the sexual desert years. It may also be why those years lasted so long - as he did not make a big issue of it, or insist we get help, etc. Would it have made a difference if he had - we will never know. Is there some deep rooted resentment because of our past sexual desert history? I would think there is. I know I would have some. But we have talked and talked - and he insists there is not any. How can there not be, though? 

Also - I took on the sexual gatekeeper job early in our marriage - and he seems to be comfortable in leaving me in that position. Even though I have told him the gate is open - and he can walk through when he wants - he still leaves the initiating mostly up to me. So I am the fixer and the initiator. Because I have little desire for sex these days and my body is not responding well when we have it, I don't initiate like I use to, so our frequency has decreased to about once a week. And honestly, I don't even want it that much. But I DO MISS the intimacy and the closeness the frequent sex brought to our marriage. I want to desire it, and I want my body to respond. The past year my desire levels have slowly declined - but I still had a reactive desire - and could usually get into it once we started. These past couple of months, my body seems to have decided to stop responding like it use to and I once again I find myself having problems getting aroused and reaching an orgasm. I am frustrated, I am angry, and I am discouraged. I am working with my hormone doctor to see if it is hormonal. I am hoping that it is and can be fixed. 

And now my husbands issues resurface - and I am feeling like its my responsibility to fix him too. I am tired of it all, I am drained. So I want him to take the ball for awhile. I am willing to keep trying, but I need him to take the lead for now. I need him to at least take responsibility for his body - for his weight issues and not exercising - I worry that he is going to get diabetes or other issues that will make it so there is no fixing it - and we will be stuck. But I don't have control over this - he has to decide to make the changes. He knows how I feel. He knows his weight makes him less attractive to me - which certainly is not helping my desire levels. I know its not an easy thing to do. I have struggled with weight issues so I know its not easy.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

A confusing thing to me - and maybe you men can shed some light on this. - Why would this happen. A man and a woman, have a leisurely morning with not commitments. They start having foreplay and the man gets an erection easily. He then loses his erection when he goes down on the woman, gets her all hot and turned on, and brings her to an orgasm (all at his insistence) - and when he finishes, still no erection - and then has a hard time getting his erection back even when she goes down on him. Then later that night, after a stressful and tiring day, he lays by her side, plays with her breasts for not even a couple of minutes - and bingo, immediate reaction - which lasts for quite a while. In fact stays hard for about 15 min. after his orgasm. No pills, no porn! What makes the difference? Is it just an unexplainable occurrence that happens as men get older or is there a logical reason for it? 

Thoughts?


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> @*SunCMars*
> 
> You go boy! Get that bionic dik and keep at it!
> 
> Don't give up!



I agree!!!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Mary, this happens to me and I am only in my early forties. Getting an erection comes easily. I have difficulty maintaining once we are into it. Physical exertion is what normally causes problems, even though I am incredibly fit. If you figure out the answer I wish you would let me know...

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Mary, this happens to me and I am only in my early forties. Getting an erection comes easily. I have difficulty maintaining once we are into it. Physical exertion is what normally causes problems, even though I am incredibly fit. If you figure out the answer I wish you would let me know...
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/289730-veggie-diet.html


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/289730-veggie-diet.html


Lol! I should have put eyes in the back of my head!

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Lol! I should have put eyes in the back of my head!
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk




Why not talk to the thread author about his experience? Mary, that might be interesting for you, too.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

What exactly do you mean by both your bodies are betraying you? His erection issues and your difficultly getting aroused and orgasming? Anything else?

After menopause my wife started having difficulty orgasiming, and doesn't even always try. That hit me hard. Took quite a while to accept that. One thing we do fairly regularly is "he comes first". Of course she will be taken care of too, just maybe not right now. Other times the focus will be mainly on her, "it ain't about the dîck" (or at least not PiV).



mary35 said:


> He then loses his erection when he goes down on the woman, gets her all hot and turned on, and brings her to an orgasm (all at his insistence) - and when he finishes, still no erection - and then has a hard time getting his erection back even when she goes down on him.


Not sure if it's an age thing as she got in it later in life so I can't really compare. But I usually think of it as blood flow/oxygen thing. Oral done right is rather respiratory system challenging. Sometimes I'll perk up again after a rest and sometimes not so much. Another reason for the above.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> Why not talk to the thread author about his experience? Mary, that might be interesting for you, too.


The blood work for my physical showed that my LDL dropped from 137 (last year, samr time) to 111. All other figures were as they should be.

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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

OliviaG said:


> Mary, have you tried Zestra? I find it really enhances sensation a lot. It's all natural (herbs and oils only) and non-toxic. The only drawback is that it smells like raspberries (!) .
> 
> Also, exercises that particularly concentrate on increasing blood flow to the pelvic region are said to be very helpful. Plus, doing weight-bearing exercise is supposed to increase your testosterone. I have read first-person accounts of ability to O and lubricate coming back after beginning serious weight-training but I don't have any first hand experience with that.
> 
> Finally, there are people on the net talking about how effective this cream is: http://www.ijpc.com/_pdf/Scream_Cream.pdf


Yes Olivia - have tried these and every other cream that is suppose to increase sensation. None of them worked for me. And in fact I had a bad reaction to most of them. I have to be careful with lubes too - as I have problems with almost all of them - especially ones that use "natural" ingredients. I guess I am just weird that way. 

I exercise, both cardio and weight bearing exercises - also do Kegals regularly. All of these things helped me the first go around in fixing this problem - along with the hormonal treatment and continue to be part of my routine. 

The thing that has changed is my diet - and I have gained 10 pounds this past year. I use to be really good about staying away from processed foods, sugar, and caffeine. Some major (bad) stressful family issues and a major house remodeling project pushed me off the healthy eating track - so in the process of fixing that area again and hoping that might be the cause. Unfortunately - the sugar addiction has resurfaced in full force and this time I having a hard time staying away from it. 

Vegan diet - in all honesty - not going to happen completely for my husband, but I have been trying to make sure the house is stocked with mostly good stuff and very little bad stuff. I don't really like a lot of meat - I mostly eat eggs, cheese, yogurt, nuts, and seeds to get my proteins. He is a meat and potatoes man and feels like he has not had a meal - if it does not contain meat and potatoes or some kind of starch. We just bought a vita mixer and I have been experimenting with green smoothies this past month. But he is not on board with that either. 

But here again - all the responsibility of eating healthy - for both of us seems to be in my hands. I have enough problems with myself. I want him to take responsibility for his own health regimen. 

I can't force it and can't control what he does and doesn't do. If he won't get on board with getting healthy - I guess I just have to accept it. But honestly - the fact that he won't really bothers me - a lot. And resentment builds, which we all know is a sure fire libido killer. 

Any suggestions on how I deal with this so that resentment does not build up? How do I let go of these negative emotions that keep surfacing about his weight and the turn off I feel when I see his overweight body? I feel so shallow that this issue affects me this way.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> The blood work for my physical showed that my LDL dropped from 137 (last year, samr time) to 111. All other figures were as they should be.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I thought the issue was maintaining your erection? And the same for Mary's husband?

Whatever the numbers are (and I think those numbers are high, btw), if the penis isn't working properly, it isn't working. That flag should stay up until the job is done.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Betrayal? Sounds a bit dramatic... Betrayal was when I had three surgeries last year to fix things related to making a living (eyes and hand). As this cycling season is going I'm seeing it's not as good as two years ago or one year ago, but I still go at it daily if I can.

At my age my parents had far more serious medical issues to deal with so I'm counting my blessings


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

CharlieParker said:


> What exactly do you mean by both your bodies are betraying you? His erection issues and your difficultly getting aroused and orgasming? Anything else?
> 
> After menopause my wife started having difficulty orgasiming, and doesn't even always try. That hit me hard. Took quite a while to accept that. One thing we do fairly regularly is "he comes first". Of course she will be taken care of too, just maybe not right now. Other times the focus will be mainly on her, "it ain't about the dîck" (or at least not PiV).
> 
> ...


Thanks Charlie - I am guessing that is the issue. 

The bodies betraying us - yes for me its getting aroused and reaching orgasms and for him erection issues although it is not so often anymore. He loses them but can quickly get them back - usually. But he also sometimes has a hard time reaching orgasms. I can usually get him there - but it seldom happens with PIV anymore and sometimes it feels like a lot of work. I have to work to get my body to work - and I have to work to get his body to work. Sex just feels like a lot of work lately - and I am tired of it. Maybe I should just take orgasms off the table for awhile. We did this for awhile when working with the sex therapists. But we both really like the orgasms and its hard to not try to go for them. What I feel like doing is taking sex off the table for awhile - but I know that is not the answer. 

We are out of sync in many ways not just sex. With sex - it feels like when his body is working well - mine is going nowhere. Or my body will work and his is going nowhere. But also - it seems like when he is moody and grouchy, I am upbeat and happy. Or I am moody and grouchy and he is all happy. I have a hard time with sex at night and he doesn't have time for it in the morning. I can't fall asleep at night and he is out like a light. or I am tired and falling asleep - and he is wide awake. 

I am just whining and it does no good - I know that. There are so many real problems in the world - and my life is really really good in comparison. Just need to get out of this pity party - I guess.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

mary35 said:


> A confusing thing to me - and maybe you men can shed some light on this. - Why would this happen. A man and a woman, have a leisurely morning with not commitments. They start having foreplay and the man gets an erection easily. He then loses his erection when he goes down on the woman, gets her all hot and turned on, and brings her to an orgasm (all at his insistence) - and when he finishes, still no erection - and then has a hard time getting his erection back even when she goes down on him. Then later that night, after a stressful and tiring day, he lays by her side, plays with her breasts for not even a couple of minutes - and bingo, immediate reaction - which lasts for quite a while. In fact stays hard for about 15 min. after his orgasm. No pills, no porn! What makes the difference? Is it just an unexplainable occurrence that happens as men get older or is there a logical reason for it?
> 
> Thoughts?


I've been there.

Erections (for those who have problems with them) are like hitting a baseball; the more you think about it, the worse the result.

When I go down on my wife, the more aroused I am, the less effective I am. There are certain things that I need to do in order for her to orgasm. I need to focus on those to succeed and doing so often causes me to lose my erection. 

One top of that, I know how much she loves it when I pound her right after she comes. So, I'm distracted from my arousal and I've been thinking for 15 minutes about keeping my erection, No wonder it sometimes doesn't go well.

Now, later on; it pops up; I'm focused on it; nothing's distracting me; no time to overthink things; success!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

mary35 said:


> Yes Olivia - have tried these and every other cream that is suppose to increase sensation. None of them worked for me. And in fact I had a bad reaction to most of them. I have to be careful with lubes too - as I have problems with almost all of them - especially ones that use "natural" ingredients. I guess I am just weird that way.
> 
> I exercise, both cardio and weight bearing exercises - also do Kegals regularly. All of these things helped me the first go around in fixing this problem - along with the hormonal treatment and continue to be part of my routine.
> 
> ...


I would not be attracted to an overweight man, either, Mary. You certainly have my sympathy.

As far as the bolded, I bet that is a turn off, too.

Is it, on balance, worth it to you to stay with him? If it is, just focus on the parts of the relationship you like and try not to take the rest personally. Easier said than done, though . . .


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

john117 said:


> Betrayal? Sounds a bit dramatic... Betrayal was when I had three surgeries last year to fix things related to making a living (eyes and hand). As this cycling season is going I'm seeing it's not as good as two years ago or one year ago, but I still go at it daily if I can.
> 
> At my age my parents had far more serious medical issues to deal with so I'm counting my blessings


You are right - I am being overly dramatic. My life is really good in comparison to many. I need to start counting my blessings and stop whining.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

mary35 said:


> Any suggestions on how I deal with this so that resentment does not build up? How do I let go of these negative emotions that keep surfacing about his weight and the turn off I feel when I see his overweight body? I feel so shallow that this issue affects me this way.


you can't control him and you can't control what you are attracted to.

he is who he is and you are who you are.

there is nothing to resent because that's just reality-- it's nobody's fault.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Buddy400 said:


> I've been there.
> 
> Erections (for those who have problems with them) are like hitting a baseball; the more you think about it, the worse the result.
> 
> ...


I think that is exactly what is happening Buddy. Thanks! It helps to know it happens to others. Like I said, logically I know its not because I am turning him off - but sometimes the negative emotions take over and I DO feel like that I AM turning him off. 

He is better at blowing it off - and thinking - no big deal, next time it will work. I have a tendency to go down the doom and gloom road sometimes - like - "this is it, our sex life is over, we are broken, etc., etc.," I guess I just need to learn to take some cues from him - and sit back and float instead of trying to paddle upstream when I don't need to.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

mary35 said:


> Also - I took on the sexual gatekeeper job early in our marriage - and he seems to be comfortable in leaving me in that position. Even though I have told him the gate is open - and he can walk through when he wants - he still leaves the initiating mostly up to me.


If he was more assertive in the bedroom, he would have left the marriage during the dry period or motivated you to change earlier.

This could appear to make it all on him (for tolerating lack of sex for so long) but if he'd pressed you before you were ready to change you might well have responded badly.

So, the only way you made it to today is probably because he's not assertive and it's hard if not impossible for him to change (not that he shouldn't try).


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

jld said:


> I would not be attracted to an overweight man, either, Mary. You certainly have my sympathy.
> 
> As far as the bolded, I bet that is a turn off, too.
> 
> Is it, on balance, worth it to you to stay with him? If it is, just focus on the parts of the relationship you like and try not to take the rest personally. Easier said than done, though . . .


Leaving him is not an option - at all. I would be a fool to leave him - he is a great guy. Yes - it is worth staying with him - so you are right - I need to find a way to stay focused on all the good - and there is so much good in him. He would have no problem getting another woman. In fact - all of my sisters would take him in a heart beat!!! And my mom too - if she were still alive! lol

Most older men are not in that great of shape. How do other women deal with this? Does it not bother them? Am I really that shallow - that something like this does bother me?


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

One of the other issues i struggle with - since I am bearing my soul here and doing all this whining - is that during sex - he tends to follow the same script over and over - even if it isn't working. This is where the not reading and researching part comes into play. Even when I directly tell him that something does not work for me, or is actually irritating. He doesn't do it for awhile (several weeks or even a month), but then starts to do it again. You would have to know him - to know that this is not an intentional thing - that he is not trying to annoy me or bother me. Its almost like he goes in automatic mode, and that's the script he knows well - so it's natural for him to do. Plus some of the things he does are enjoyable when I do them to him - so I think he just thinks it must feel good to me or maybe it will this one time. or something...

I give him things to read - show him different ways - etc. He tries - usually not with a lot of success - so he reverts back to what he knows. I try not to be critical. I try to have these conversations when we are not in the moment so that I don't hurt his ego. I know my body is hard to work with these days. Heck - I don't even know how to get it to work sometimes. But his body is the same way - and I research, and do my homework and try different things - and so far have found a lot of things that work on his issues. I guess I want him to do the same. 

Maybe I am just being unrealistic here.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

OliviaG said:


> I think most older *people* aren't in great shape - the ones who exercise enough and eat right are probably in the minority. I think those who do keep up their health resent partners who don't. We all want our partners to keep up with us.


Yes - that is how I feel. There are things we can't control. We get sick, have allergies, or develop certain diseases that affect our health. But we can control a lot - and prevent some illnesses, and prevent certain disease and conditions if we take care of our health. One of my biggest concerns is that his not taking care of his health is going to lead to some things that he could prevent. Things that will affect both of our lives.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

mary35 said:


> A confusing thing to me - and maybe you men can shed some light on this. - Why would this happen. A man and a woman, have a leisurely morning with not commitments. They start having foreplay and the man gets an erection easily. He then loses his erection when he goes down on the woman, gets her all hot and turned on, and brings her to an orgasm (all at his insistence) - and when he finishes, still no erection - and then has a hard time getting his erection back even when she goes down on him. Then later that night, after a stressful and tiring day, he lays by her side, plays with her breasts for not even a couple of minutes - and bingo, immediate reaction - which lasts for quite a while. In fact stays hard for about 15 min. after his orgasm. No pills, no porn! What makes the difference? Is it just an unexplainable occurrence that happens as men get older or is there a logical reason for it?
> 
> Thoughts?


This is totally normal for me for the most part. The leisurely foreplay always results in an erection, often it comes between standing next to, and climbing into bed . If I go down on her I'll generally loose it almost every time if it is for long enough to be worth doing. It's got nothing to do with her, I'm thinking about what I'm doing. I like to say the blood flow gets diverted from the little head to the big head >

For me it comes back once we move on to other things but the bounce back is getting slower @ 53, some day soon there may be a fail - I can feel it coming . As far as the last part goes, that happens sometimes and mostly it doesn't - no predicting that I can tell. Usually after orgasm the boner goes down like the fan getting cut off on one of the blow up advertising characters in front of the mattress store. But sometimes 5 or 10 minutes go by and it is still at attention, go figure.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

@mary35 , I just bought myself a *heated* G-spot toy: L'Amourose Rosa Rouge Heat Up G-Spot Vibrator | G-Spot Vibrators | Lovehoney

I bought it because my goal is to encourage increased pelvic circulation and I figured heat right where I want the most circulation would probably be a good idea. I tested it a couple of days ago, and it felt really, really good. Extremely effective G-spot stimulation and I can feel the warmth inside when it's heated up. It didn't bring me to O, but I've never had an O exclusively from G-spot stimulation before either.

The reason that I'm sharing this extremely preliminary experience of mine with you is because multiples have been coming more easily for me again since using it (!) I'm encouraged!

I bought it from LoveHoney because they have a 365 day money back guarantee, and this was not an inexpensive device. I think I'll be using it regularly; will consider it a form of PT.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> *Back in Buddha's day*, they didn't have a choice.
> 
> ...


People didn't live nearly as long - typically. On top of that it's probably complicated further by the drugs used to keep us alive that MIGHT be having effects on libido and/or performance.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mary,
A gentle reminder of what you want and don't want - just before you connect - will help him. 

While unfortunate that it is needed, that type reminder will get you a higher quality result. 






mary35 said:


> One of the other issues i struggle with - since I am bearing my soul here and doing all this whining - is that during sex - he tends to follow the same script over and over - even if it isn't working. This is where the not reading and researching part comes into play. Even when I directly tell him that something does not work for me, or is actually irritating. He doesn't do it for awhile (several weeks or even a month), but then starts to do it again. You would have to know him - to know that this is not an intentional thing - that he is not trying to annoy me or bother me. Its almost like he goes in automatic mode, and that's the script he knows well - so it's natural for him to do. Plus some of the things he does are enjoyable when I do them to him - so I think he just thinks it must feel good to me or maybe it will this one time. or something...
> 
> I give him things to read - show him different ways - etc. He tries - usually not with a lot of success - so he reverts back to what he knows. I try not to be critical. I try to have these conversations when we are not in the moment so that I don't hurt his ego. I know my body is hard to work with these days. Heck - I don't even know how to get it to work sometimes. But his body is the same way - and I research, and do my homework and try different things - and so far have found a lot of things that work on his issues. I guess I want him to do the same.
> 
> Maybe I am just being unrealistic here.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

@OliviaG I need to win the lottery so I can buy that and the womanizer. Why are sex toys so freaking expensive?

Thanks Men - you are absolutely right, and that is what I shall do. Communication, Communication - it's what it all boils down to.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

anonmd said:


> This is totally normal for me for the most part. The leisurely foreplay always results in an erection, often it comes between standing next to, and climbing into bed . If I go down on her I'll generally loose it almost every time if it is for long enough to be worth doing. It's got nothing to do with her, I'm thinking about what I'm doing. I like to say the blood flow gets diverted from the little head to the big head >
> 
> For me it comes back once we move on to other things but the bounce back is getting slower @ 53, some day soon there may be a fail - I can feel it coming . As far as the last part goes, that happens sometimes and mostly it doesn't - no predicting that I can tell. Usually after orgasm the boner goes down like the fan getting cut off on one of the blow up advertising characters in front of the mattress store. But sometimes 5 or 10 minutes go by and it is still at attention, go figure.


It helps to know this is normal. Thanks.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I had an epitome yesterday. It dawned on me that once again, a lot of my aggravation is with myself and what's going on with me and my body, and I am turning my frustration and anger on my husband (again). Poor guy. 

While the things I mentioned are annoyances, when things are good with my body and I am feeling good, those things are very tiny and easy to ignore. But when I am out of whack and throwing my occasional pity parties, the annoyances somehow grow into mountains that make me crazy. 

I have been married long enough and been threw this kind of stuff more times then I care to admit, so I should recognize it quickly and put a halt to my run away feelings. Yet, in the moment I seem to be blinded. I know I can't change my husband, and that I can only control myself and my attitude. 

My goal is to work on relaxing and letting things progress more naturally in the sex department. ie, not working so hard on orgasms, etc. Instead I am going to look for ways to stay connected, keep the sexual activity going in various ways, - touching, teasing, etc. But I am letting go of the fixer role. if he wants to be fixed he will have to do it himself. And I will be lovingly vocal about my reasonable needs and wants on a regular basis- that have to do with my enjoyment of sex - and let him know he is responsible to do the same for himself. 

A good plan? 

Oh yeah - and buy some new toys.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Yes, good plan. I find the less I push and the more I relax the easier and better then t gets. Not always easy. 

I see @MEM11363 is here, thank you, you have (indirectly) really helped me with that.


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