# Before I blow up my marriage



## D0nnivain

DH is a great guy & I love him but we do have some problems in our marriage. See some of my other posts if you want details but they aren't relevant. 

Right now I'm extremely stressed & short tempered. I'm self-employed. I have had 2 assistants quit in the last 4 weeks. All the applicants are either unqualified or want too much money (my previous assistant was with me for 5 years but retired) I'm not sleeping. The business has cash flow problems. 2 friends have had siblings die this week; another lost her father. Death is one of my triggers; I get PTSD -- diagnosed by my therapist years ago (long story but trust me). We're caring for a friend's dog because her father is in the hospital. We're supposed to head out of state next week to deal with my MILs increasingly problematic health issues that need to be addressed but I have no one to manage my business while I'm away. 

This morning I blew up at my husband over something trivial, I couldn't find a piece of computer equipment I needed in part because our house is a mess. We were supposed to have a cleaner come last weekend but his schedule precluded that. I wanted comfort in _my_ love language (words of affirmation or physical touch). He wouldn't help me look. Instead, he told me to buy a new one which caused me to break down because the business has no money. I stormed out & went upstairs to cry. He came upstairs a few minutes later & offered me two gifts (his love language is gifts or acts of service) He had bought me these things to make my life easier. It was very sweet & I felt so bad for biting his head off. 

How do I get better at remembering his love language is different than my love language and that he's not the best wordsmith? I feel like a heal


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## Twodecades

Apologize to him by doing something small for him, like bringing him a cup of coffee. The verbally apologize (without a qualifier) and thank him for doing something to help you. Then ask for a hug. 

Talk to your therapist (get back to therapy if you aren't still) and ask about some meds for short term anxiety. Then talk to him/her about what your priorities are and who or what you need to say "no" to in order to prevent your marriage from suffering. 

Hope that helps point you in the right direction.


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## heartsbeating

All I can suggest is that when you feel the urge to storm out and go cry, stop and just sit in the moment. If that's your default, it may feel a bit of a challenge to do so or even awkward. Anyway, if you can just stop... go with the discomfort (which will be temporary) and slow things down... you can even express verbally that you feel the urge to storm off but don't want to and so you need a minute. Then tell him what you need. 'I'm feeling overwhelmed, what I need from you is a hug and just talk with me.' Or whatever it is that you do indeed need. It's one thing to remember how he demonstrates love and support, it's another to express what you need in a way that is calm and clear.

And for what it's worth (((( big virtual hug ))))


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## Twodecades

D0nnivain said:


> How do I get better at remembering his love language is different than my love language and that he's not the best wordsmith?


It really just takes practice. My husband and I don't share any love languages. I honestly have learned to translate the things he does in my mind. He picks me up a latte or a donut or a takeout meal when I'm having a hard day? That's him using an act of service (his LL) as a way of giving me a gift (my LL) and saying he realizes I'm down. It's his way of encouraging me. I think of it as an "act of affirmation" instead of words (my LL). 

I personally think the love languages are a useful tool for understanding your spouse, but I think people get too wrapped up in them. If you were having a rough time and your friend came to take you out to get a new computer part, you would still see that as their supporting you, right? And if you felt close enough to your friend, you might say, "I could really use a hug." I think some of this is looking at it through a more objective lens, which is hard when you live with someone. This might sound morbid, but sometimes I think, "If he were no longer here, how would I look at all he does for me?" It doesn't mean I don't tell him what I need, but it sure puts a different slant on it when I frame it that way. 

Anyway. That's just what helps me.


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## DownByTheRiver

I'm not conversant in love languages, so I'm just going to send big hugs and hope things get better for you soon.


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## happyhusband0005

D0nnivain said:


> DH is a great guy & I love him but we do have some problems in our marriage. See some of my other posts if you want details but they aren't relevant.
> 
> Right now I'm extremely stressed & short tempered. I'm self-employed. I have had 2 assistants quit in the last 4 weeks. All the applicants are either unqualified or want too much money (my previous assistant was with me for 5 years but retired) I'm not sleeping. The business has cash flow problems. 2 friends have had siblings die this week; another lost her father. Death is one of my triggers; I get PTSD -- diagnosed by my therapist years ago (long story but trust me). We're caring for a friend's dog because her father is in the hospital. We're supposed to head out of state next week to deal with my MILs increasingly problematic health issues that need to be addressed but I have no one to manage my business while I'm away.
> 
> This morning I blew up at my husband over something trivial, I couldn't find a piece of computer equipment I needed in part because our house is a mess. We were supposed to have a cleaner come last weekend but his schedule precluded that. I wanted comfort in _my_ love language (words of affirmation or physical touch). He wouldn't help me look. Instead, he told me to buy a new one which caused me to break down because the business has no money. I stormed out & went upstairs to cry. He came upstairs a few minutes later & offered me two gifts (his love language is gifts or acts of service) He had bought me these things to make my life easier. It was very sweet & I felt so bad for biting his head off.
> 
> How do I get better at remembering his love language is different than my love language and that he's not the best wordsmith? I feel like a heal


Have you talked with him about it. I assume he knows how stressed you are and might not be all that bothered because he understands it's the stress and anxiety you're dealing with and it's not you. When my wife gets extra stressed and there's nothing I can do to help I just offer myself up as a punching bag for a bit.


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## heartsbeating

D0nnivain said:


> It was very sweet & I felt so bad for biting his head off.


Also ...have you apologized for blowing up at him - along with thanking him for working out a solution for you? 

To add, was there some kind of resentment that arose that the cleaner couldn't come because of his work? If there was, it sounds reasonable that his work would come first and to let that one go. Just communicate where you're at, what you need (preferably in the moment and calmly remembering you're on the same team), and also take stock of what you can do for yourself while you're feeling these levels of stress. I hope in some way this helps.


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## heartsbeating

I don't know what other problems you are having in your marital dynamic, yet I do suggest remembering that he is your person - as you are his. Stay grounded in that. And trust in yourself that you can learn to navigate yourself differently, if you want to.

A friend told me how her and her husband were arguing. I didn't get into the details of it with her, more responded kind of neutrally and objectively (yes, how annoying). That came up light-heartedly in another conversation between her and I, and I explained that if a friend is sharing about their husband in that way, I'm not the friend who will take sides or get into it as he is meant to be her 'person'. That is to say, my own expectations is that they're a team. On the other hand, if friend comes to me about some annoying person at work (worded differently which won't fly on the forum), then I'll jump in as needed with 'Oh that annoying person... who do they think they are... ugh...' She laughed and said she has no issues with anyone at work. But got where I was coming from. Even when you're annoyed with each other (with regular daily type stuff), my vote is that you remember that you're still on the same team. From my own experience, sometimes that means consciously taking a breath to slow things down in the moment.


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## sokillme

D0nnivain said:


> DH is a great guy & I love him but we do have some problems in our marriage. See some of my other posts if you want details but they aren't relevant.
> 
> Right now I'm extremely stressed & short tempered. I'm self-employed. I have had 2 assistants quit in the last 4 weeks. All the applicants are either unqualified or want too much money (my previous assistant was with me for 5 years but retired) I'm not sleeping. The business has cash flow problems. 2 friends have had siblings die this week; another lost her father. Death is one of my triggers; I get PTSD -- diagnosed by my therapist years ago (long story but trust me). We're caring for a friend's dog because her father is in the hospital. We're supposed to head out of state next week to deal with my MILs increasingly problematic health issues that need to be addressed but I have no one to manage my business while I'm away.
> 
> This morning I blew up at my husband over something trivial, I couldn't find a piece of computer equipment I needed in part because our house is a mess. We were supposed to have a cleaner come last weekend but his schedule precluded that. I wanted comfort in _my_ love language (words of affirmation or physical touch). He wouldn't help me look. Instead, he told me to buy a new one which caused me to break down because the business has no money. I stormed out & went upstairs to cry. He came upstairs a few minutes later & offered me two gifts (his love language is gifts or acts of service) He had bought me these things to make my life easier. It was very sweet & I felt so bad for biting his head off.
> 
> How do I get better at remembering his love language is different than my love language and that he's not the best wordsmith? I feel like a heal


I think you need to prioritize what is most important. Your business or you marriage. I am not saying don't care about your business but you may be out of both if you are not careful. I hope you apologized to him.


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## redmarshall

D0nnivain said:


> DH is a great guy & I love him but we do have some problems in our marriage. See some of my other posts if you want details but they aren't relevant.
> 
> Right now I'm extremely stressed & short tempered. I'm self-employed. I have had 2 assistants quit in the last 4 weeks. All the applicants are either unqualified or want too much money (my previous assistant was with me for 5 years but retired) I'm not sleeping. The business has cash flow problems. 2 friends have had siblings die this week; another lost her father. Death is one of my triggers; I get PTSD -- diagnosed by my therapist years ago (long story but trust me). We're caring for a friend's dog because her father is in the hospital. We're supposed to head out of state next week to deal with my MILs increasingly problematic health issues that need to be addressed but I have no one to manage my business while I'm away.
> 
> This morning I blew up at my husband over something trivial, I couldn't find a piece of computer equipment I needed in part because our house is a mess. We were supposed to have a cleaner come last weekend but his schedule precluded that. I wanted comfort in _my_ love language (words of affirmation or physical touch). He wouldn't help me look. Instead, he told me to buy a new one which caused me to break down because the business has no money. I stormed out & went upstairs to cry. He came upstairs a few minutes later & offered me two gifts (his love language is gifts or acts of service) He had bought me these things to make my life easier. It was very sweet & I felt so bad for biting his head off.
> 
> How do I get better at remembering his love language is different than my love language and that he's not the best wordsmith? I feel like a heal


Well the great thing is that you're self aware, some people in general will do this and not even care. The fact that you do says a lot about your character, however, please do give yourself a break, we're all just human, and make mistakes. The reasoning that you've written seems to make a lot of sense and you can share this with him, and I am sure he'll understand. You seem to have a lot on your plate and I'm sure with the right attitude you'll get through this fine. Best of luck


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## Young at Heart

D0nnivain said:


> DH is a great guy & I love him but we do have some problems in our marriage. See some of my other posts if you want details but they aren't relevant.
> 
> Right now I'm extremely stressed & short tempered. I'm self-employed. I have had 2 assistants quit in the last 4 weeks. All the applicants are either unqualified or want too much money (my previous assistant was with me for 5 years but retired) I'm not sleeping. The business has cash flow problems. 2 friends have had siblings die this week; another lost her father. Death is one of my triggers; I get PTSD -- diagnosed by my therapist years ago (long story but trust me). We're caring for a friend's dog because her father is in the hospital. We're supposed to head out of state next week to deal with my MILs increasingly problematic health issues that need to be addressed but I have no one to manage my business while I'm away.
> 
> This morning I blew up at my husband over something trivial, I couldn't find a piece of computer equipment I needed in part because our house is a mess. We were supposed to have a cleaner come last weekend but his schedule precluded that. I wanted comfort in _my_ love language (words of affirmation or physical touch). He wouldn't help me look. Instead, he told me to buy a new one which caused me to break down because the business has no money. I stormed out & went upstairs to cry. He came upstairs a few minutes later & offered me two gifts (his love language is gifts or acts of service) He had bought me these things to make my life easier. It was very sweet & I felt so bad for biting his head off.
> 
> How do I get better at remembering his love language is different than my love language and that he's not the best wordsmith? I feel like a heal


You are in an extreme stress situation. Studies have shown that people who are in stress act differently than people who are calm. When you are calm you may be a rational problem solver. When you are in stress you may approach things totally differently. This can cause huge problems in business and in relationships. It is important that the people around you know how you will respond to them 

If you have been married a long time, you husband may know "the other you." You need to be able to signal to the people around you when you become overwhelmed and become "the other you." 

When you were in therapy did you and the therapist ever discuss emotional flooding? This is where a person gets full of adrenaline to the point that they can no longer think in a calm rational problem solving mode. When you get emotionally flooded, you need to call a "time out on yourself." You need to let the adrenaline work its way out of your system so you can deal with your problems. Learn about this and share this information with your husband.

Just because your work and social connections are spiraling out of control doesn't need to mean that you should let everything, including your marriage, burn to the ground. Tell you husband that you are emotionally overwheled. That you are struggling to prioritize, but that you love him, need him, and what him to be there for you.

Good luck. You need to understand that you are human and you cannot solve every problem in the world. If you try, you will fail to help some people. If you don't prioritize more people than need be will be let down. Sometimes prioritizing you or your business will allow you to help others longer and more. Good luck in figuring out what you can do and what is beyond you.

Apologize to you H. He tried to help you.


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## davebrubeck1

Paul Friedman's online marriage course could be very helpful for you. However you have to pay for it, so maybe not good if you're trying to keep money together at the moment. The essence is what he calls SEW technique: Stop - Evaluate - act with Wisdom. I'll try to paraphrase it here.

Stop: If you find yourself you want to say something angry, just stop. Just, you know, stand still. When your mouth is already open, stop mid-sentence and catch it. It's weird but it's effective. Just stay there for a few seconds.
Evaluate: Ask yourself, do I need to say something now? Maybe not. Or if I really do, what do I want to achieve? How can I achieve that?
Act with Wisdom: Try to reach inside your calm, wise, loving self and let it tell you what you can do.
Maybe you find this useful. It doesn't solve the underlying issues in your marriage of course, but at least it can be useful to shift your thoughts just a little bit in daily interactions.


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## Zedd

D0nnivain said:


> This morning I blew up at my husband over something trivial, I couldn't find a piece of computer equipment I needed in part because our house is a mess. We were supposed to have a cleaner come last weekend but his schedule precluded that. I wanted comfort in _my_ love language (words of affirmation or physical touch). He wouldn't help me look. Instead, he told me to buy a new one which caused me to break down because the business has no money. I stormed out & went upstairs to cry. He came upstairs a few minutes later & offered me two gifts (his love language is gifts or acts of service) He had bought me these things to make my life easier. It was very sweet & I felt so bad for biting his head off.
> 
> How do I get better at remembering his love language is different than my love language and that he's not the best wordsmith? I feel like a heal


I had a similar problem in my first marriage and I didn't learn about love languages until afterward. My ex-wife loves to cook. If I was having a rough go of things, she'd make these amazing meals. It was her saying I love you. To me, it was just food. Not that I didn't appreciate the effort, but, it was just food. Not only that, but when I was having a rough day, I was usually stuck in my head about something and not very hungry - a bad combination.

How do you get better about it? Say something now when you're not upset about it anymore. Acknowledge what you did, why you did it. Acknowledge that you know he was doing his best to help out in his way. Then tell him what you really wanted and needed at the time. Be pragmatic and non-threatening, and that starts by you telling him you understand what he was trying to do. He can't know what you're looking for if you don't tell him - and yeah, sometimes you'll need to remind him and apologize if you get upset with him for not remembering himself.

Every relationship a person has, be it personal, romantic, business, whatever, is always at it's best when people communicate their wants and needs.

Good luck.


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## thunderchad

It sounds like you are not taking ownership of these issues in your life and instead using them as excuses. Own what you are doing wrong, or mistakes you made, accept responsibility, and fix them.

Also, husbands love sex. Sex fixes anything.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

It sounds to me that you are burned out and need a vacation to relax and forget about everything for a few days.

I have a couple of questions. Do you see the business making money again anytime soon? If not, maybe its time to shut it down before it costs you your health and marriage. You sound like an intelligent person with a drive to succeed. Maybe you can find a different passion that is less stressful and makes money.

I don't know how to say this without sounding insensitive, so please keep that in mind. But you dont seem to be in any position to handle taking care of someone with declining health. Its a hellish job that can easily consume you and drive you to your breaking point. People often feel obligated to step in to take care of family. But in reality, you don't owe them anything. Especially when you have so much stress in your own life. You have to realize you are one person who can only handle so much. I think you should focus on your marriage and mental well being.


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## D0nnivain

thunderchad said:


> It sounds like you are not taking ownership of these issues in your life and instead using them as excuses. Own what you are doing wrong, or mistakes you made, accept responsibility, and fix them.
> 
> Also, husbands love sex. Sex fixes anything.


My whole post was about me trying to learn to take ownership of MY issues. 

DH is also impotent. He has ED Read my other threads. Sex fixes NOTHING in my marriage & is the greatest source of stress. If we had sex I'd probably be less stressed but that is not an option.


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## D0nnivain

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Do you see the business making money again anytime soon? If not, maybe its time to shut it down before it costs you your health and marriage. You sound like an intelligent person with a drive to succeed. Maybe you can find a different passion that is less stressful and makes money.


Covid hurt the business but it should rebound. It was a highly profitable enterprise for 15 years before & will be again. It's a cash flow problem not a fundamental design flaw. I am just feeling overwhelmed because I made some huge capital outlays recently. Since this thread was initially posted I was able to hire a new assistant who starts next week. Construction has finally finished & I'm expecting an influx of cash within the next 2 months. I may have to loan the business some money in the short term but I am hoping not.


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## BeyondRepair007

D0nnivain said:


> My whole post was about me trying to learn to take ownership of MY issues.
> 
> DH is also impotent. He has ED Read my other threads. Sex fixes NOTHING in my marriage &* is the greatest source of stress*. If we had sex I'd probably be less stressed but that is not an option.


I would like to slightly disagree with this post.

I only bring it up because you say lack of sex is the source of greatest stress. In that case perhaps the most relationship gain could be had here.

The part I slightly disagree with is that nothing can be done.
Assuming his ED is not treatable, then I would still say that intimacy and sexual pleasure can be achieved through many other means. I'm sure you know this.

I'm aware that there probably isn't a perfect solution to replace a healthy sexual relationship with no ED, but if it's the greatest source of stress, then why not pursue "something better" with hubby to remove this as the greatest stress?


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## D0nnivain

BeyondRepair007

You _ASSUME_ his ED is treatable. He's been to doctors for a decade. The pills don't work. He has zero interest in other sorts of intimacy & has said that he won't engage in other sex acts because if he can't perform then he's not interested in anything 

I don't want this to be a sex thread. I made some peace with the idea that I'm doomed to a celibate life. My point was to refute thunderchad's cavalier & sexist comment that if I had more sex with my husband everything else in my marriage would be OK. I'd love more sex. I'm not the reason we're not having sex


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## BeyondRepair007

D0nnivain said:


> BeyondRepair007
> 
> You _ASSUME_ his ED is treatable. He's been to doctors for a decade. The pills don't work. He has zero interest in other sorts of intimacy & has said that he won't engage in other sex acts because if he can't perform then he's not interested in anything
> 
> I don't want this to be a sex thread. I made some peace with the idea that I'm doomed to a celibate life. My point was to refute thunderchad's cavalier & sexist comment that if I had more sex with my husband everything else in my marriage would be OK. I'd love more sex. I'm not the reason we're not having sex


Just to clarify, I assumed his ED was NOT treatable. But I get your point and will move on from this if you don't want to go there.


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## BeyondRepair007

D0nnivain said:


> if he can't perform then he's not interested in anything


Having moved on from the sex topic, this line stood out to me.

This is selfish attitude to take. If my wife said that to me, those would be fighting words.

Maybe sex is a valid topic, but only from the standpoint of him valuing his wife above his own insecurities?


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## Divinely Favored

There is always something to do. It may be a surgical implant. But he is not willing? 

My wife and I discuss what if scenarios. We both communicate and agree that if something is wrong with either of us, we will take any means necessary to fix the problem.


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