# Need advice husband says female coworker is his best fr



## Charliegirl31 (May 27, 2020)

Looking for other people’s opinion because I’m not sure what to think for myself anymore. My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been married 25 years. Like all relationships there have been ups and downs but until a few months ago I would’ve said we had a very solid happy marriage. This changed when my husband and I started discussing how to manage running his company during shut down for coronavirus (they are considered an essential business). He ultimately decided to have all but three of his employees work remotely. His office has three floors and it was determined that he could stay in his office, the business administrator be in an office on the second floor and the third employee would have the first floor office. He considered these two (female) employees essential to managing the company along with himself. When I questioned the necessity of one of the employees being in the building he said it was necessary because they assist him in running IT which would be super important with everyone working remotely. 

Our personal conversations obviously revolved a lot about setting up his business during this time and this one coworker was continuously mentioned but not the business administrator. I jokingly asked him one night if I should be jealous of this coworker and his answer was yes. We both laughed it off but his response bothered me. A few days later I mentioned it to him and the fact that it his closeness with her seemed to be new and a little concerning. He was surprised at my reaction and stated that their friendship was not new, in fact he has considered her to be his best friend for the past two years, she has worked for him for 5. This was news to me and I wasn’t sure how to take the fact that I had no idea that he considered this woman to be his best friend.

We have had a couple of long conversations about this which have evolved into conversations about our marriage and relationship in general. We’ve learned a lot about each other in the last two months and the way we have communicated in the past and decided that was actually not something we were good at as a couple. We have both made honest efforts to work on this and it actually does seem to be going well. On the surface, our marriage is still fine and in this respect of open communication, even better than before.

Here’s my problem ... during these conversations the closeness that my husband and his best friend have has become really apparent. He shares things with her about himself that I had no idea about. He shares his hopes and dreams and lots of things he doesn’t tell me because (his words) he is afraid to share some parts of himself with me for fear of letting me down or being criticized. When I mentioned how hurtful that is he disagrees and says she is his best friend and he wants to share that information with her.I also have noticed since they’re the only people in the office that the amount of emails and text messages that go on outside of work hours have really increased. When I have asked him to try and focus more on his family and less on his work he is unwilling which is partially understandable as I know this is stressful economically for him and he is working hard to keep his company and employees going. My problem is he is unavailable to us because he is in conversation with her.

I started to wonder just how work related these conversations are and I am ashamed to admit I checked his phone. There is no sexting or inappropriateness to the text messages but the content and amount is daunting. He texts her good morning before he is out of bed hoping she slept well and saying whether he did or not. This continues all hours they are not together ending with him telling her he is going to bed and wising her a good night. He shares everything about his day including information from conversations with our teenagers he hasn’t shared with me.( I found out what my son is thinking of declaring his major in by reading these messages. ) They talk about her children and their parents and every detail of their lives. Conspicuously absent is any mention of myself or her husband.

I feel like this woman knows more about my husband than I do and I am so betrayed feeling he felt comfortable enough sharing these pieces of himself he has never been willing to share with me.

I have several questions which have prompted my post. Should I feel betrayed? My husband says no.

How do I manage my jealousy, this is a new emotion for me and I start to cry every time I see him pick up his phone. 

Do I need to worry about this best friend? I’ve asked myself if I would feel the same if this best friend was male and the honest answer is yes because their time together both in the office and outside of the office via technology is infringing on his time with me and his family. Male or female, this friend is closer to my husband than I have ever been. It is more worrisome because she is female. How long before this closeness leads to wanting more? Is this an emotional affair?


----------



## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

1. Use paragraphs please. 2. It’s full blown EA. 3. How is the sex? 4. Does he hide his phone? 5. He is texting her good night and good morning from your bed that you share with him????


----------



## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

I was, Ok it can be just a friend, until you mentioned , “He calls her in the morning and before goes to sleep.” I have male coworkers, with one I feel very close, but I never text him during those times. Only in the middle of the day or right after work, if I have to share something work related or no.
He can’t wait to say goodmorning to her at work? He never mentioned her before even though he considered her best friend and texts to her at odd times? Sorry, red flag. You are right to feel betrayed.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

This is a full blown EA. No doubt. YOU are supposed to be his best friend. YOU are supposed to be who he shares his hopes, dreams and his true self.
I would BET her HUSBAND doesn't know how close they are and how much they text either. Maybe you should inform him of the frequency and pure number of times they communicate during the day (and no, don't tell your H you are doing this).

One thing -- why did YOU not know what your son wants to do for college -- sounds like YOU may need to step up your own communication with the kids...

Maybe you BOTH need to read "Not Just Friends"








Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: 9780743225502: Amazon.com: Books


Not Just Friends : Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity [Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Not Just Friends : Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity



www.amazon.com


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I can not read this. Please split your post in several paragraphs, you may get more responses.


----------



## Charliegirl31 (May 27, 2020)

Marriednatlanta said:


> 1. Use paragraphs please. 2. It’s full blown EA. 3. How is the sex? 4. Does he hide his phone? 5. He is texting her good night and good morning from your bed that you share with him????


Sorry. Tried to fix the formatting, not easy on my phone, I think it’s better. The sex is still as frequent, we have always had a good sex life. Doesn’t hide the phone but keeps it with him most of the time.


----------



## Charliegirl31 (May 27, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> I can not read this. Please split your post in several paragraphs, you may get more responses.


I attempted to edit. Finding it difficult on my phone. Hope it is slightly more reader friendly now.


----------



## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

I would totally feel betrayed...sounds like a full blown EA

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your H is in an EA with the individual that is working for him. Either he is blind to that fact or refuses to acknowledge it.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Pray she doesn't file a sexual harassment suit and definitely bring her husband up to speed. Your husband is an idiot.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling as a couple might help. The lockdown is throwing up a lot of stuff like this.


----------



## Baldy (Jul 18, 2019)

Charliegirl31 said:


> Looking for other people’s opinion because I’m not sure what to think for myself anymore. My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been married 25 years. Like all relationships there have been ups and downs but until a few months ago I would’ve said we had a very solid happy marriage. This changed when my husband and I started discussing how to manage running his company during shut down for coronavirus (they are considered an essential business). He ultimately decided to have all but three of his employees work remotely. His office has three floors and it was determined that he could stay in his office, the business administrator be in an office on the second floor and the third employee would have the first floor office. He considered these two (female) employees essential to managing the company along with himself. When I questioned the necessity of one of the employees being in the building he said it was necessary because they assist him in running IT which would be super important with everyone working remotely.
> 
> Our personal conversations obviously revolved a lot about setting up his business during this time and this one coworker was continuously mentioned but not the business administrator. I jokingly asked him one night if I should be jealous of this coworker and his answer was yes. We both laughed it off but his response bothered me. A few days later I mentioned it to him and the fact that it his closeness with her seemed to be new and a little concerning. He was surprised at my reaction and stated that their friendship was not new, in fact he has considered her to be his best friend for the past two years, she has worked for him for 5. This was news to me and I wasn’t sure how to take the fact that I had no idea that he considered this woman to be his best friend.
> 
> ...


If you can, let her husband know all that you do.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Pray she doesn't file a sexual harassment suit and definitely bring her husband up to speed. Your husband is an idiot.


Maybe get in front of this and report her to HR. No employer wants to be known as a homewrecker. Don't be a sitting duck. Even if your husband wants to divorce you for that, he'll at least have a job when you two divorce and no unnecessary liabilities.

A saleswoman at the pharma group I worked for told me that the Sales director was having an affair with a sales woman. The husband came to work and had a word with the Sales Director, _if you know what I mean._

The president of the group demoted him. The woman I was speaking with said you never saw the 2 together again.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Maybe get in front of this and report her to HR. No employer wants to be known as a homewrecker. Don't be a sitting duck. Even if your husband wants to divorce you for that, he'll at least have a job when you two divorce and no unnecessary liabilities.
> 
> A saleswoman at the pharma group I worked for told me that the Sales director was having an affair with a sales woman. The husband came to work and had a word with the Sales Director, _if you know what I mean._
> 
> The president of the group demoted him. The woman I was speaking with said you never saw the 2 together again.


The husband is the employer. It is his business.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> The husband is the employer. It is his business.


And appears to encourage this behavior.


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

He fears sharing these things because he doesn't want to let you down or be criticised...

This might be worth investigating. Either, he is using it as an excuse, or, he really is concerned with your reaction. If it's the latter then you need to consider what behaviour of yours may have contributed to him shutting off this aspect of himself.

I remember opening up to an ex with something that was really personal to me (music compositions) and she didn't really give it any notice, despite me saying I rarely share this with anyone... That was the last time I ever did that, with her, and for the foreseeable future.

You have cause to be concerned with his behaviour, but also need to see what part you have played as well. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


----------



## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

OP, don't go down the ridiculous road of figuring out what YOU did to cause this (what a crock)

Your husband is having an emotional affair and gaslighting you, plain and simple.

He needs to cut this off. Period.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

"Husband I think it's inappropriate for you to text a female employee the amount that you do. Not only could you run into legal trouble, but you're also headed for marriage trouble."

Then end the conversation. Don't engage further, don't argue or defend yourself. Short and sweet, and if he's smart, he'll wise up. If he isn't, well... in that case you're in trouble no matter what.


----------



## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

I have a best friend. I don't talk to her THAT much (and I talk to her a lot) and she is not the first person I say good morning to each day. Even the idea of starting the day thinking about her is weird to me since I'm married and have a family. This isn't good. I consider my spouse my best friend, but I guess it's ok not to (everyone is different), but if they are THAT close, and he doesn't care that it bothers you? That says a lot.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh my. Hell to the no is this in any appropriate! I'd be shutting that **** down IMMEDIATELY. I'd also be telling her husband. This is not ok.

I would feel absolutely betrayed and devastated in your shoes.



Luminous said:


> He fears sharing these things because he doesn't want to let you down or be criticised...
> 
> This might be worth investigating. Either, he is using it as an excuse, or, he really is concerned with your reaction. If it's the latter then you need to consider what behaviour of yours may have contributed to him shutting off this aspect of himself.


This does raise a good point for you to ponder...but I put it down here as it in no way justifies what your husband is doing...just something for you to reflect on...there may be some truth to it?


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

frusdil said:


> Oh my. Hell to the no is this in any appropriate! I'd be shutting that **** down IMMEDIATELY. I'd also be telling her husband. This is not ok.
> 
> I would feel absolutely betrayed and devastated in your shoes.
> 
> ...


Perhaps my message was a little vague. I am not advocating that the husband's behaviour is excusable, it is completely inappropriate to what most would consider 'normal' and needs to be addressed asap.

My take on it was involving some introspection to see if there is anything on her side that may have contributed to this 'shutting off' from her, and would probably be best to do so AFTER the dust settles from dealing with this.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry but you should be concerned by his behaviour and his unwillingness to see it for what it is. This is an emotional affair. no man should be sending sweet nothings to a woman in the morning when he arises or the evening when he goes to bed. If they are not sexually engaged it is a matter of time till this is a PA.
Please speak with him and tell him you know he is in the middle of an EA and your marriage is headed for disaster if he does not take his head out of his ass
Contact her husband and let him know what is happening
Start doing the 180 hard on your husband and disengaging, say your piece and let him know that you find this all unacceptable. This is your marriage and just because he is blind to what is happening or chooses to be blind, you do not have to stand idly by and let it. Find your inner strength and put down boundaries now.
Visit them at the workplace if possible and let her know that you know and find it inappropriate behaviour, you need her husband to know too and cut that **** out.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Luminous said:


> Perhaps my message was a little vague. I am not advocating that the husband's behaviour is excusable, it is completely inappropriate to what most would consider 'normal' and needs to be addressed asap.
> 
> My take on it was involving some introspection to see if there is anything on her side that may have contributed to this 'shutting off' from her, and would probably be best to do so AFTER the dust settles from dealing with this.


I agree with you 100% - and asked the OP to consider what you said.


----------



## 102none (May 15, 2020)

Charliegirl31 said:


> Looking for other people’s opinion because I’m not sure what to think for myself anymore. My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been married 25 years. Like all relationships there have been ups and downs but until a few months ago I would’ve said we had a very solid happy marriage. This changed when my husband and I started discussing how to manage running his company during shut down for coronavirus (they are considered an essential business). He ultimately decided to have all but three of his employees work remotely. His office has three floors and it was determined that he could stay in his office, the business administrator be in an office on the second floor and the third employee would have the first floor office. He considered these two (female) employees essential to managing the company along with himself. When I questioned the necessity of one of the employees being in the building he said it was necessary because they assist him in running IT which would be super important with everyone working remotely.
> 
> Our personal conversations obviously revolved a lot about setting up his business during this time and this one coworker was continuously mentioned but not the business administrator. I jokingly asked him one night if I should be jealous of this coworker and his answer was yes. We both laughed it off but his response bothered me. A few days later I mentioned it to him and the fact that it his closeness with her seemed to be new and a little concerning. He was surprised at my reaction and stated that their friendship was not new, in fact he has considered her to be his best friend for the past two years, she has worked for him for 5. This was news to me and I wasn’t sure how to take the fact that I had no idea that he considered this woman to be his best friend.
> 
> ...


Shut it down now! I trusted my husband when he said "she's just a friend, " last week he left me for this friend. Shut it down. He is the employer and she is the employee. Your husband needs to set personal (healthy) boundaries with his staff. Texting them about non-work related issues is crossing the boundary boarding an emotional affair which will eventually lead to a sexual affair followed by divorce. I wish I did not trust my husband and acted sooner; maybe if I did, he would still be here.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

102none said:


> Shut it down now! I trusted my husband when he said "she's just a friend, " last week he left me for this friend. Shut it down. He is the employer and she is the employee. Your husband needs to set personal (healthy) boundaries with his staff. Texting them about non-work related issues is crossing the boundary boarding an emotional affair which will eventually lead to a sexual affair followed by divorce. I wish I did not trust my husband and acted sooner; maybe if I did, he would still be here.


I'm so sorry honey! Take some small comfort in the fact if he did it _with _her, he'll do it _to _her. Their relationship has less than 5% chance of lasting, lol, lol xx


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This is completely inappropriate. There is no way I would put up with it. YOU as his wife should have the place that she has. Try and contact her husband and ask him what he thinks about it, and tell your husband that if this carries on the marriage will be over.


----------



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

"He shares his hopes and dreams and lots of things he doesn’t tell me because (his words) he is afraid to share some parts of himself with me for fear of letting me down or being criticized."

@Charliegirl31 - Have you asked your husband why he feels this way?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh HELL no. 

This is on no way ok. I do have to ask OP tho... how in the world did you not see any of this until now? You are right to feel betrayed. She is getting the intimacy that is supposed to be yours. If you are not ok with this, then you need to say so, and be ready to lose your marriage. It may be the only way to save it. Have the respect for yourself to NOT tolerate this in your marriage. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> ... how in the world did you not see any of this until now?


I would suspect that up until now, he did all his flirting and orbiting around her at their workplace and after hours every day, back when the world was 'normal.' So they didn't need to text each other constantly. Now that Covid has changed the rules and they can't be up each other's asses anymore, most of this childish nonsense has to be done through text.

However, I get the distinct impression that the OP's husband is a _*little*_ more invested in his 'best friend' than she is in _him_.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Are you also an ‘owner’ of the business?

His justification for his relationship with the OW is response is: selfish, entitled, and lacks empathy for his life partner.

Do not allow him to blame their relationship on you (and he is). He is 100% responsible for allowing it to escalate to where it has become personal vs business. For example, he had many options as to ‘who’ to talk to etc (including you) – but he chose another woman. 

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your husband’s volume and content (and the timing) of the texts with the OW is a big fail. Especially his admission that he’s bonded with her on a ‘special’ level that he ‘needs’ and can’t share with his life partner. This is a mess he created and it’s a mess he has 100% responsibility to clean up. It’s not in any way appropriate for you to suck it up and live with the inappropriate relationship he created with the OW. 

There is nothing you said (or didn’t say) or do that justifies his decision to go outside his marriage and establish a personal relationship with another woman. And any fallout (including, public/family exposure, or consequences to his business) is totally on him.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

They may not be having a physical affair (PA) - but he’s on a slippery slope headed that way. 

Evidence shows that good people can unnecessarily risk/expose their marriage to infidelity because they enjoy the attention and think they’re ‘in control’ of their escalating emotions (until they are not in control). 

Their relation is no longer harmless. Why? because you asked nicely and he responded by: blaming you (i.e., you may criticize him), minimizing the relationship as harmless and something he ‘needs’, and disregarding your feelings (which should take priority!). 

Before you take further action, you need to gather as much proof as possible.  Otherwise you will be labeled jealous and/or controlling (or crazy). Copy their texts, and create a journal of your conversations with your husband, consider using a VAR to record him admitting to the topics they discuss.

What you don’t want to do is scare him into communicating secretly with her. The level of contact and personal content of the texts is evidence that they have a strong bond (similar to an addiction). He’s not going to give her up voluntarily (in fact, you already asked nicely and he’s placed her above his wife).


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

What exactly does the OW do that's critical? What does she do that enables the staff to function remotely? 
For example, is her expertise limited to setting up Zoom meetings? 

And why is it necessary for them to talk during non business hours?

Could you do her job during the pandemic?


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

First, He (and you) should read and discuss the book: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on research of couples that experienced infidelity. 

Among other things, it identifies the common (very common) mistakes that good people made that exposed their marriage to a very high risk of infidelity. 

For example, your husband’s behavior will be obvious. After reading this book he will not be able to justify continuing their ‘personal’ level of contact. 

You’ve been very patient and if he doesn’t wake up then you could take it further.

If you’re worried that strong action may push him away into her arms, then you’ve already lost him.

Right now he has the best of both worlds (a loving wife and a ‘special female friend’) – he's what is called a 'cake eater' . 

He needs to chose and as a married man (and 27 years) he’s not entitled to even 10 seconds to think about it.

Next steps -consider:

1 – exposure kills affairs. Without warning your husband (or even let him know you’re thinking about it), share your evidence & concern and expose to the other woman’s husband (exposure kills affairs, and her husband is your best ally).

Expose to your adult children and friends (control the narrative, they’ll hear about it anyway).

2 - the same day, talk to an attorney about how divorce will impact you (it makes a statement that your husband needs to take you serious) or under the circumstances a post-nup to protect you.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Charliegirl31 That's amazing. Your husband has a bestest ever friend at work? I would have thought it would have been very difficult for someone with the emotional maturity of a teenage boy to be able to run a business, successfully.

This could be a midlife crisis kind of thing and it needs to be nipped in the bud before it goes terribly, terribly wrong. And in these circumstances an affair is only one of many potential problems. He needs to be woken up and made to act like an adult, again.


----------

