# Can't find the strength to leave



## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

Hi everyone. I'm stuck and looking for guidance. I've been married for 17 years. My wife is a working professional just like me -- we are both in our mid-forties. We have 3 children (21 stepdaughter/college graduate (from my wife's 1st marriage), 14 y/o son and 11 y/o daughter). We live a comfortable life in the suburbs. My kids are the best. I'd do anything for them including staying in my marriage to keep the home together. 
The first 10 years or so of our marriage was pure hell for me. I was constantly accused of infidelity even though there wasn't any, faced many arguments for the smallest issue, and once was accused of trying to have her hurt in the most final way because a window I had been working on was left unlocked. I was on a business trip when she called hysterical - that she found the window unlocked and that I must have done that on purpose so that a hired stranger could come in and do her harm. That was the day I decided that the marriage was over. She talked me into staying and said she was sorry for "losing it". I stayed. At one point I thought she had Borderline Personality Disorder. To make this part of the story short -- I stayed and have been living a roller coaster of good times and many more not so great times ever since. Even though I know it's probably not the right thing to do, I stay mostly for the kids and partially because I can't seem to find the strength or courage to ask for a divorce. 
That brings me to my current problem. We have some friends who separated last year -- he left his wife. They lived alone (kids are grown and moved out). He said that he'd been wanting to do this for a while and finally left her after a series of fights. Last November I noticed some texts from the now separated friend to my wife popping up on my iPad. (gotta to love that iMessage feature on Apple products). Nothing crazy but thought it weird that he was texting her directly and making casual conversation when I never hear from him. When I accidentally opened one of the text messages before she had a chance to read it, she flipped out. Not just to me, but the whole family (I didn't tell her it was me that opened it). I, with her watching, got everyone's Apple device (iPhones, tablets, iPods) and made sure no one could see her texts again. I found this all to be very strange but very characteristic of her personality. I found her reaction strange so I decided to monitor the situation. From time to time, I would get her phone and read her texts. Nothing alarming was found. Then one day I saw a message pop up on her phone screen from him at around 6:30am while she was in the shower. It read something like "Good morning pretty girl. Hope you slept well " I thought what the hell? I continued to monitor this and soon discovered that she was constantly deleting his texts from her phone. I would get her phone at some point later in the day and try to read their messages, but there was nothing. I then pulled the cell phone records and found many calls from her to him at times I wasn't around -- like on the way home from work. Last week I was looking through her purse (never done that even though my kids tell me she is always searching through my stuff and phone.) What did I find? A letter to her from him expressing his personal feelings to her. How much he liked and adored her and that she should always come to him when I make her mad. I can tell by the letter that he verbally told her about those feelings previously and evidently she told him that she was staying with me. Its been a week since that letter and she is still calling and texting him. I would think that if she really loved me and wanted to stay, she would have ended their "close" friendship and stopped the daily interaction.
I don't know what is making me the most angry -- the fact she is a hypocrite (accusing me of cheating when I haven't, but somehow her affair (I think its an emotional affair) is okay OR the fact that even after she finds out he has romantic feelings for her and she has said 'no' that she continues to be friends with him and text and call. 
Knowing that my wife is a major blamer and will find a way to spin this to where its no big deal or it's my fought, I'm looking for the best course of action. Advice on how to confront her. What to do next. 
I'm scared to confront because it will get ugly and I'm pretty sure the marriage will be done at that time. 
Thanks for reading this very long post!


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Sorry you're here. 

Did your wife's first marriage end over infidelity? (Just curious why she's been so accusatory of you).

I suppose at this point you could put a VAR in her car to see if there's anything you don't know, but it sounds like you have probably do have all of the evidence you need. Your wife sounds like she could benefit from some therapy, and possibly medication.


----------



## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Start with VAR first.
Get evidence. Then confront her. From a sound of this, it looks like lose / lose situation.
However, at the end of the day you can look into the mirror and respect what you see.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You've been dealing with this craziness for a long time. And now, you have to deal with a blooming affair. Are you going to wait before it becomes a full blown affair before you walk? or Are you going to still remain married while she is cheating on you?

If you haven't done so, I'd suggest that you seek IC (individual counseling) to find out what is stopping you from divorcing her and moving on. She is not the only sick individual in this unhealthy dynamic.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I would start 180 and get into counceling. There is nothing wrong with at this point in time reinvesting in you. I would also consider just for info purposes of talking to a divorce lawyer. I personally wont stay with a cheater and honestly It sounds like your wife is just that. Who cares if she is ending her thing now or not she still put your relationship on the life for her own needs. 

Hopefully at some point in time you will be able to stand up and fight for yourself.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You have enough red flags and evidence that this is at the very least an EA. Need to put a stop to that. Gather any of the text you can. And yes, your W will get defensive when confronted. Expect that. She may attempt to turn the tables and you can own 50% of the marriage. Her extra curricular activities are 100% hers. As such, you will find the strength however, your W can leave as she is in a EA.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Every race ends at the finish line.
She drew the line, collect your evidence and finish it.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

What do you want Brad? Do you want to take steps and see if she changes or are you done with her? If you're thinking reconciliation is possible then you've got to collect all of the dirt first. If you're done then it doesn't really matter all that much though. Next step is 180 and start the process of splitting up. Take care of yourself in the process. Things like working out and staying busy and not getting sucked into drama. This could make her snap out of her fantasy and start chasing you again. Frankly though, she sounds like the type that will go down in flames with her rationalizations and blame shifting. At the end of the day all you can do is take care of your self and decide what you're willing to live with and then it's her choice to meet those expectations if she wants to be with you.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Well brad the first thing i would do would be to take the letter and hide and say nothing, this will drive her crazy looking for it and it will also be evidence you will need later...second the VAR is a great idea, third make copies of the messages. Eventually you will need to face the fire with her and frankly i would do it under terms and before something else happens...confronting this guy may be part of it, but i would get all the evidence and then go after her....you can decide then if you want to stay married....but what you need to do is prove it to everyone around that she is cheating...and she is cheating by the way.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

BradP said:


> The first 10 years or so of our marriage was pure hell for me. I was constantly accused of infidelity.... At one point I thought she had Borderline Personality Disorder.


Welcome back, Brad. I was wondering how you have been doing. I'm so sorry to hear that things have not improved in your marriage. When we last spoke nearly three years ago (*Sept 2012*), you believed that your W's behavior exhibited strong BPD behavioral traits throughout your marriage, particularly during the first ten years "of hell." 

Specifically, you mentioned strange behaviors such as irrational jealousy, temper tantrums, and paranoid thoughts that included her being convinced you had left a window unlocked so someone could enter the home at night and kill her while you were away. I therefore would be interested to hear why you no longer believe strong BPD traits to be applicable. That is, what's happened to cause you to rule out this possibility?


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Could her accusations and insecurity be projection? Cheaters are very accusing of their spouses..... Just my thoughts out loud.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

AFallenAngel said:


> Could her accusations and insecurity be projection? Cheaters are very accusing of their spouses..... Just my thoughts out loud.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yes, people who make that sort of unfounded accusations are often doing it because they know they are capable of that behaviour so they assume everybody else is at it too. The way she's been accusing you of infidelity all along is a very strong signal that she's willing to do that herself if not already doing so.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Looks like we may not hear from the OP for another 3 years and if we do he'll probably be still singing the same old song. Oh well, good luck BradP.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

It sounds like you've made up your mind to leave and if she's having an EA she obviously isn't happy either. Confront her and lay out your reasons for wanting it to end. It probably will be the hardest thing to do especially letting the kids know. If she doesn't change or fight for the marriage, you have your answer. I'm in my mid -40s and after discovering my husband's infidelity, I told him I'd rather it be over than for him to stay because of the kids. Staying for the kid's sake is living a lie . I'd rather have my children see how we can mutually respect each other and find happiness even while going through such a life changing event. Majority of the time, the kids already know something is different.


----------



## jojo_lynn (Jun 16, 2015)

I think you need to take sometime and step back from the situation. Here is what I am thinking. Before the messages, letter and the text. You were considering leaving, you really had enough but couldn't find the strength to move on. Right? Now because of all the messages and her hiding things it is making you feel that you deserve her to stop and be with you.

I was in a similar situation I realize now 2yrs later. I should have taken my out instead of getting wrapped up in the drama of the moment. Maybe this is your out, your relief. Instead of getting upset, jealous or mad. Think about this as a whole.

Take some time for you. Stop peeking at her text. Take the time that you would to snoop and have a quiet cup of coffee in the morning away from your wife and see how you feel. Do you feel less stressed, do you feel better? 

If you really want out and you been through hell and back. Then just stop, and think.. Dont get wrapped up in her drama.


----------



## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

"Did your wife's first marriage end over infidelity?" Yes, according to my wife, her husband was cheating on her. 
And yes, I think therapy would be great for her. I've heard that recommendation or comment from others. I've confided some of our troubles to a couple family members just to ground my thoughts and to hear other's perceptions. The therapy comment is something I've heard more than once. I've mentioned it to my wife in the past and it made her very angry so I haven't brought it up again.


----------



## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> What do you want Brad? Do you want to take steps and see if she changes or are you done with her? .... At the end of the day all you can do is take care of your self and decide what you're willing to live with and then it's her choice to meet those expectations if she wants to be with you.


I'm done with the games, the roller coaster of living with her, the bad attitude, and the blame game. And most of all I feel so betrayed. She has repeatedly caused so much pain, anger and created hostility in our marriage. And now, its her with the EA. I can't wait to hear the excuses. 

Like my title says, I am looking for the strength and courage to make the change.


----------



## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

Uptown said:


> When we last spoke nearly three years ago (*Sept 2012*), you believed that your W's behavior exhibited strong BPD behavioral traits throughout your marriage, particularly during the first ten years "of hell." ...... I therefore would be interested to hear why you no longer believe strong BPD traits to be applicable. That is, what's happened to cause you to rule out this possibility?


Thanks for remembering me and your response. Back when I was on here talking about the suspected BPD and after receiving so many helpful replies from this community, I was ready to leave the marriage. Things had gotten bad. One night after a fight my W and I sat down and talked through my concerns and she brought up her own. She mentioned that I was disengaged in the marriage and she felt unloved. I responded that its hard to engage in a marriage when all I get his harassment and accusations of adultery. I told her it had to stop or I was out. It would be better for us both. We ended that meeting agreeing to try harder to be better spouses. The accusations have almost completely stopped although her roller coaster bad attitude stayed the same. Its like walking on egg shells, you never know which person you are going to get for the day (the happy one or the angry one).


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

BradP said:


> Like my title says, I am looking for the strength and courage to make the change.


Taking ACTION (as opposed to sitting around thinking about it) will give you the strength and courage to make the change. When you start taking action, actually DOING concrete steps towards removing yourself and your children from this unhealthy marriage, you will begin to FEEL stronger.

As others have mentioned, start getting your ducks in a row by collecting as much evidence as you can -- VARs, screen shots of texts and emails, cell phone records, etc. Even if you live in a no-fault state where adultery doesn't matter, this stuff can go a long way towards getting a favorable settlement (the threat of exposing the affair is very terrifying for the adulterer).

Next, visit an attorney and learn what your legal rights are. Start collecting all of your financial records, important documents, open your own bank account and start separating finances. If you have savings, move half of that money into your own account. It's perfectly legal to move half as long as you are documenting everything. Moving half the funds is not "stealing" as long as you have a well-documented paper trail.

And for goodness sakes, start practicing the 180. Immediately. This, more than anything, will give you the strength and courage to move forward and stop being caught in a hellish limbo.


----------



## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

maritalloneliness said:


> It sounds like you've made up your mind to leave and if she's having an EA she obviously isn't happy either. Confront her and lay out your reasons for wanting it to end. It probably will be the hardest thing to do especially letting the kids know. If she doesn't change or fight for the marriage, you have your answer. I'm in my mid -40s and after discovering my husband's infidelity, I told him I'd rather it be over than for him to stay because of the kids. Staying for the kid's sake is living a lie . I'd rather have my children see how we can mutually respect each other and find happiness even while going through such a life changing event. Majority of the time, the kids already know something is different.


Thank you. In my heart I completely agree. My kids not only see the hostility towards me but they are sometimes on the receiving end as well. The mean words hurt. 
I know it's time to end this. I just like everything about our life except the marriage part. Our kids are great, the house is great, the family is great for the most part and we have good friends. I think I'm putting it off because I try to ignore the bad parts and focus on the good. Of course that's not solving the root cause of the issue and is probably actually making it worse and fueling the fire.


----------



## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

What is practicing the 180?


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

BradP said:


> What is practicing the 180?


_Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of your relationship. She suggested that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviors immediately. They aren’t designed to make you look good or your partner bad. They are, however, a means of protection for the betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery. A betrayed spouse who uses these steps will appear stronger to the wayward partner, and that is exactly what you want to portray.

This list is titled “The 180″ and it won’t take you long to figure out why. What you are actually doing is a complete 180 degree rotation in your actions and attitude. You no longer are a weeping sack of sorrow. Suddenly, you appear strong, happy, independent, and quite capable of making it on your own._

*The 180*

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

BradP said:


> I'm done with the games, the roller coaster of living with her, the bad attitude, and the blame game. And most of all I feel so betrayed. She has repeatedly caused so much pain, anger and created hostility in our marriage. And now, its her with the EA. I can't wait to hear the excuses.
> 
> Like my title says, I am looking for the strength and courage to make the change.


She changed things and didn't give you any say about it. The strength you need is to accept that things have changed and you can't control others but you can prevent them from hurting and disrespecting you more.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Brad, as you did two years ago, you are still describing several behaviors that are classic warning signs for BPD. If you still believe you're seeing strong red flags for BPD, I suggest you read *Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD* (Article 9, which I recommended two years ago) and *Leaving a Partner with BPD* (Article 10, which is new). Both are at the "Articles" page of BPDfamily.


----------



## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

Thanks Uptown. I remember the books and have been preparing mentally and physically ever since.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

BradP said:


> My kids not only see the hostility towards me but they are sometimes on the receiving end as well. The mean words hurt.


The kids are being harmed by being with their mother all the time with you staying married. It would be to their advantage to at least be with you 50% of the time after a divorce. Teens vote with their feet ... if after divorce things are too difficult with their mom, they will go be with you more.

Divorce would be a relief and a healthy thing for your kids at this point. While a split family is not ideal, it may be far far better than what you have now.


----------

