# how to get back wife that has been pushed into another's arms



## Wonder-wheel

The story is not unique. Me and my wife have been married for 10+ years with two kids. I have always been a good provider and my main fault was spending more time at work and less time on her emotional needs. Despite this I never thought that she will ever cheat (you could call arrogance as another one of my faults). 
After years of what she perceived was the emotional abandonment, about a year ago she started an affair with someone who was apparently in the same situation with his wife leaving him emotionally unfulfilled.
Long story short, I found out and confronted her.. she said that she is sorry for hurting me but that she had been hurting her for a very long time.. after many discussions we reached the point where we agreed to give each other another chance. As a result I completely changed my behavior and have been available and loving (and she has acknowldged as much) 
Despite this, I have found out conclusively that they are still seeing each other. I haven't let her know that I know but I have hinted that something is not right. 
The only reason why I want to try to make this work is that I know that I was guilty of pushing her away in first place and I can't expect her to let go cold turkey of someone who has given her joy for last year when I was missing for more than 10 years. 
I have thought about setting honey trap for this guy and have my wife see the evidence that she is in love with the wrong guy. I am hoping to get advice on what other alternatives are available to me. 
We have two kids together and I still love her, but as has been mentioned in other forums here, I acknowledge my mistake and have already taken steps to fix it. But I am also ready to cut my loses and move on if there is no hope. I know that she is torn even as she can't stop herself from seeing him and I feel that if I could break the spell she may give us a "real" chance. I just don't know how to break this spell.
Thanks for hearing me out, your advice may save this family.


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## Converser

You need to sit down and find out if she really loves you or is in love with you.

She isn't completely satisfied with something (and that may not be a fault of your owns at all, but hers), but you have to find out what it is and if it's fixable. If she doesn't love you, then there's nothing you can really do about it except move on for yourself.


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## tom67

Find out who the omw is and let her know what is going on asap then decide if you want to r or just divorce. You can file now to see if she comes out of the fog and cancel it later.


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## ThreeStrikes

First step is to kill the affair. You can't work on your relationship with your WW until the affair is dead.

Right now she is cake-eating. Some other guy is fvcking your wife, while you support her and your kids. Why would she change that arrangement??

The Unified Theory of Cake

So, kill the affair. Your best tool is *exposure*. Tell the OM's wife. Tell your family. Tell her family. Tell close friends. And it helps to have some proof, not just your hunch. (Do you have passwords to her phone? Can you check her text/email/FB history and see if she is still in contact with this POS?)

And then get ready to be nuked by her anger. Weather the storm, it will pass. Try not to get angry back, and I recommend having a VAR on you in case she goes nuts and calls the cops on you with false allegations of abuse.

Your WW is a cheater, and is just following the cheater's script by taking her affair underground. 

Once the affair is out in the open, and she still insists on seeing OM and maintaining contact, then your marriage is over. Ask her to move out and file for divorce. She moves out. Not you.

If she wants to reconcile, then she must maintain no contact with OM. Marriage counselling is a must, as well as IC for both of you.

Go over to the Coping with Infidelity subforum, and you will find the steps to take if you want to reconcile, or divorce.

In fact, you should ask a moderator to move this thread to that section. You will get tons of advice from other guys who've been there/done that.

Sorry you are here.


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## Jasel

ThreeStrikes said:


> First step is to kill the affair. You can't work on your relationship with your WW until the affair is dead.
> 
> Right now she is cake-eating. Some other guy is fvcking your wife, while you support her and your kids. Why would she change that arrangement??
> 
> The Unified Theory of Cake
> 
> So, kill the affair. Your best tool is *exposure*. Tell the OM's wife. Tell your family. Tell her family. Tell close friends. And it helps to have some proof, not just your hunch. (Do you have passwords to her phone? Can you check her text/email/FB history and see if she is still in contact with this POS?)
> 
> And then get ready to be nuked by her anger. Weather the storm, it will pass. Try not to get angry back, and I recommend having a VAR on you in case she goes nuts and calls the cops on you with false allegations of abuse.
> 
> Your WW is a cheater, and is just following the cheater's script by taking her affair underground.
> 
> Once the affair is out in the open, and she still insists on seeing OM and maintaining contact, then your marriage is over. Ask her to move out and file for divorce. She moves out. Not you.
> 
> If she wants to reconcile, then she must maintain no contact with OM. Marriage counselling is a must, as well as IC for both of you.
> 
> Go over to the Coping with Infidelity subforum, and you will find the steps to take if you want to reconcile, or divorce.
> 
> In fact, you should ask a moderator to move this thread to that section. You will get tons of advice from other guys who've been there/done that.
> 
> Sorry you are here.


:iagree::iagree:


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## Thound

You need to understand that the affair is ALL her fault. She should have let you know you were hurting you, and if you wouldnt change sshe should have divorced you before hooking up with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound

I meant her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Wonder-wheel said:


> Despite this, I have found out conclusively that they are still seeing each other. I haven't let her know that I know


WTH?! Why aren't you telling her you know? Are you going to fight for your marriage or not?

You HAVE THE RIGHT to be mad at her, ok? If she was that unhappy, she should have DONE something about it, not chosen to cheat.

Have you read anything yet about gaslighting, affair fog, and rewriting history? THIS is what you are living and you're fallling for it all.

She went to him because she perceives you as weak. Women cannot love men they don't respect, and they don't respect weak men. 

Tell her you know she's still cheating and she either dumps him or moves out. WITHOUT the kids, who are staying at their home.

Please trust me. Tell her to stop.


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## Awishforjoy

As someone that has come from marital emotional abandonment, I have to say…. It sucks. I never stepped out in a PA, but did fall into EA. I spent so long feeling empty that when I made this friend and was given the love and attention I deserved I embraced it. I didn’t realize till it was too late that we had surpassed from just friends into an EA and I cut it off once we realized we had gone too far. My husband and I are now trying to R, but even still it’s terribly difficult. It’s shameful to think it, but the loss and pain of letting it go is tremendous. I know that’s wrong, and I do truly love my husband, but haven’t felt loved in years. I make NO excuses for my behavior. I screwed up. What I want to express to you is that EA/PA messes with the Betrayer in many ways. It’s like a drug. People just want to be loved and giving it up means you have to feel regret and loss before you can feel love again. 

Her emotional needs were fulfilled by the OM. We are creatures of habit and just want to feel good. Giving the OM up is going to make her hurt. You are comfortable because she’s been with you for so long, but she HAS to make a choice. There is no way you can R if she’s still involved in any way. I get that this is a terrible place to be, but please realize that she is, so called, brain washed. She’s going to have to hurt to get through giving this person up. You have to get into MC right away and she might need to be put on antidepressants to help her think clearly. You have to out her. Don’t get angry about it. Just out her and give her an ultimatum. Leave him or leave me. Tell her you love her and will be there for her and that this has hurt you to the core, but that you have to take care of you too. If she refuses then she may be a lost cause and you need to 180 her and focus on you.


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