# Introduction and question about When to tell others



## BrokenArrow (Jul 28, 2017)

Hi all,

I just joined and have been reading through posts. I can't tell you how very grateful I am to be able to see the stories and know what so many of you are going through. It helps tremendously.

We just decided to separate yesterday morning. 

A quick summary:
We have been married 16 years, known each other for 20.
She hasn't been "in love with me" since basically our wedding. But does have a brotherly love for me and wishes me the best.
We are very compatible and have lived life in an almost business like manner most of the time with rare occasions of romantic connecting. 
Have 3 boys, aged 11, 11, 14.

After we talked yesterday, I am certain that she needs to move on. Everything is VERY agreeable in terms of how we will proceed, etc.
I will start to look for a new house rental nearby soon, and the kids will switch every week where they live.

At this point, I haven't told any of my friends or family. In fact you all are the first to know.
I wanted to ask at what point do you tell others that you and your spouse are going separate ways?

And is there somewhere I can go read about the acronyms like 180, etc ?


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

I would tell casual acquaintances as soon as it becomes relevant - ie if it comes up in conversation. Family I would give a heads up as soon as you're absolutely certain that that is what's happening. If there is anybody you need to tell for business reasons (paperwork, or your address etc), I'd send them a professional, to the point email once you are settled. And that's about all I can think of. That's what I'm planning to do, anyway. 

It's sad that you're breaking up, but very good that you can be amicable, and that your sons will still be able to see you both all the time. Good luck and all the best.


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## BrokenArrow (Jul 28, 2017)

Thank you for the insight Vauxhall.

I feel I won't be my usual chipper self at work. If I let them know what is happening, they would at least know why and might be able to provide some moral support. Many of them know my wife professionally so that will make things a bit weird.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Welcome. Sorry about why you're here. 

It's a bit slow on the weekends. Familiarize yourself with some of the stickies in the meantime. 

As for telling family and friends, truth works best. What have you told the children? Have you tried IC/MC? The kids may need IC. 

Can you fill us in on how this progressed to this point? Do you have any idea why she deceived you for so long? 

Here are some links...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/464-common-message-board-abbreviations-acronyms.html

The 180 U Turn - Affaircare

"I'm a Nice Guy, the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Why doesn't she want me?"


Best


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BrokenArrow said:


> Thank you for the insight Vauxhall.
> 
> I feel I won't be my usual chipper self at work. If I let them know what is happening, they would at least know why and might be able to provide some moral support. Many of them know my wife professionally so that will make things a bit weird.


It's important to inform your superiors. This is not so uncommon and if your work suffers it'll be helpful with them knowing the basics.

Usually in this senario they have moved on with someone else so don't be surprised if he surfaces quickly. 

The I never loved you, etc wreaks of cheaters script.

If you want to know check your phone bill


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you want a future and life after this you'd be better off to cut off any unnecessary contact.

Text only kids, business or divorce. Never answer a phone call direct. Pickup/drop offs should be a 5 minute exercise with zero engagement. All holidays, birthdays separate. You aren't a family anymore. Plus you don't want to give your kids hope it'll just hurt them further.

Being friends in this senario won't be good for you or your future. No other woman if you want a relationship will want an X in the mix.

It'll be awkward at first but as time passes it'll become a way of life. Just a change.

Read up it's short and may be some great info for you
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## BrokenArrow (Jul 28, 2017)

*So how did I get to this point:*
In April, we were connecting. There was sex even. Then in May she went to Washington on a trip. Returned and quickly turned cold. Would spend most nights texting/emailing/working. I walk into a room, she'd leave with within 5 minutes. She started to freeze when I came into physical contact with her.
In July was our anniversary. I planned a night. She changed it last minute to supper at home and a cake for dessert for the whole family. Clearly, she had no interest in being out with me alone. I gave her a small gift and her response was "oh, we're doing this sort of thing now" (note we usually never give each other anniversary gifts).
She went to Washington again last week. Upon returning home she claimed to be extra tired slept in the spare room for 5 straight nights. So yesterday morning, enough was enough and asked her what is going on. We talked and she feels it is time to go our separate ways. 

*Counselling:*
I suggested yesterday MC and / or therapy of some sort. She is confident that it won't help in the slightest. She doesn't have anything that she needs to sort from her end. She has just held off moving to this next step for a very long time, bottled up and frustrated. She did have some IC sessions last year. I think she confided in the therapist her apathy toward me, because whenever I bump into the therapist, she looks at me with the deepest of sympathies (our kids use this therapist for play therapy). I might go see a therapist. Haven't decided yet. 

*No true deception:*
I don't think she has deceived me in that, she has tried to feel the love or make it "happen". But was always drifting away for long periods.
I recall us talking about her not being in love with me before marriage. And she has never said I love you in over 10 years. She most likely was deceiving herself. I just attributed her actions to being a stern and analytical type of person.

*The kids:*
We have not yet told the children. I think the plan is to find a new place and then a few days before, we will sit them and talk to them about. There seem to be many good articles online about how to handle such talks. The oldest will take it hard as he already a quiet and sensitive soul. The twins will feel sad and then ask if they can return to their electronics (their escape). I forsee this all unfolding in Mid August.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

She found somebody else and was with them when she left. Check all phone messages etc.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@BrokenArrow, You may not want to call it deception, yet stringing you along is deception. If she was never in love with you, then marrying you with out love was stringing you along. I'm not saying you didn't have a part in this, since you did accept that condition. 

It really sounds like she was only staying till something or someone else came along. You must know she found it and now has no reason to stay with you. What ever it may be, no one should be in a marriage where they are the only one invested. You deserve better. We all deserve better.

It's time to put you first and give yourself and your children what you deserve. Are you ready? 

It will do you good to browse the suggested reads. Have you spoken to a lawyer?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BrokenArrow said:


> *So how did I get to this point:*
> In April, we were connecting. There was sex even. Then in May she went to Washington on a trip. Returned and quickly turned cold. Would spend most nights texting/emailing/working. I walk into a room, she'd leave with within 5 minutes. She started to freeze when I came into physical contact with her.
> In July was our anniversary. I planned a night. She changed it last minute to supper at home and a cake for dessert for the whole family. Clearly, she had no interest in being out with me alone. I gave her a small gift and her response was "oh, we're doing this sort of thing now" (note we usually never give each other anniversary gifts).
> She went to Washington again last week. Upon returning home she claimed to be extra tired slept in the spare room for 5 straight nights. So yesterday morning, enough was enough and asked her what is going on. We talked and she feels it is time to go our separate ways.
> ...


IMO you do not lie to your kids or become a patsy. She wants the divorce don't stand up like a weak ass doormat and lie to your kids and not tell them the truth.

At least have some self respect. This is what she wants let her deal with it. 

Of course she'll want you to tell them it's your decision too. BS!!!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BrokenArrow said:


> *So how did I get to this point:*
> In April, we were connecting. There was sex even. Then in May she went to Washington on a trip. Returned and quickly turned cold. Would spend most nights texting/emailing/working. I walk into a room, she'd leave with within 5 minutes. She started to freeze when I came into physical contact with her.
> In July was our anniversary. I planned a night. She changed it last minute to supper at home and a cake for dessert for the whole family. Clearly, she had no interest in being out with me alone. I gave her a small gift and her response was "oh, we're doing this sort of thing now" (note we usually never give each other anniversary gifts).
> She went to Washington again last week. Upon returning home she claimed to be extra tired slept in the spare room for 5 straight nights. So yesterday morning, enough was enough and asked her what is going on. We talked and she feels it is time to go our separate ways.
> ...



Sorry you are here. Tell everyone and get yourself some counselling to deal with the grief.

If it was your choice what would you want to do?

What is happening in Washington exactly? Is there something (someone) there she is meeting? Seems fishy.

I suggest you tell everyone so that you can get some support, she is the one pulling the plug, do not be afraid to let people and kids know this. Let her deal with the fall out and see that far away fields are not always green.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sorry things didn't work out in your marriage. Why did she marry you if she wasn't in love with you? I hope you find happiness and peace, and maybe just share it with people you trust if the topic comes up. Hope you enjoy the forums.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BrokenArrow said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I just joined and have been reading through posts. I can't tell you how very grateful I am to be able to see the stories and know what so many of you are going through. It helps tremendously.
> 
> ...


Strength is attractive. Weakness is not. Better wake up


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

She's having an affair with someone in Washington. She's not attracted to you; that's why she recoils at your touch (she admitted she hasn't been in love with you since your wedding).

Don't waste time searching for cheating, affair partners, phone records, etc. Your marriage has been dead for a long time.

Time to put a fork in this and move on...


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> She's having an affair with someone in Washington. She's not attracted to you; that's why she recoils at your touch (she admitted she hasn't been in love with you since your wedding).
> 
> Don't waste time searching for cheating, affair partners, phone records, etc. Your marriage has been dead for a long time.
> 
> Time to put a fork in this and move on...


Sounds like she was more in love with the idea of getting married. Not all that uncommon - sadly.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

What exactly are the finical and custody terms? Why are you moving out and not her? What happens when she wants to or you want to relocate? 

Disregard the posts about her trips. The "business" arrangement is over. The question is are the terms helpful or a hinderance to your life ahead. You need to to start the 180 Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums.


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## BrokenArrow (Jul 28, 2017)

anchorwatch said:


> @BrokenArrow,
> What ever it may be, no one should be in a marriage where they are the only one invested. You deserve better. We all deserve better.
> 
> I agree. I have poured the effort in. Rarely was it reciprocated.
> ...



I've read through the laws for NC. We will need to be apart for 1 year. So the new place will be needed to start the countdown. We might get a mediator. She will help look for a place for me. I tend to be miserly and frugal and she would like me to have a place that me and the boys will enjoy together. I am surprised at myself that things are moving this quickly. It hasn't been 48 hours since the first "talk". 



*Deidre* said:


> Sorry things didn't work out in your marriage. Why did she marry you if she wasn't in love with you? I hope you find happiness and peace, and maybe just share it with people you trust if the topic comes up. Hope you enjoy the forums.


Thank you that means alot. I am not sure why she continued on with the relationship. I was too afraid of loneliness to see what the right thing to do was.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BrokenArrow said:


> I've read through the laws for NC. We will need to be apart for 1 year. So the new place will be needed to start the countdown. We might get a mediator. She will help look for a place for me. I tend to be miserly and frugal and she would like me to have a place that me and the boys will enjoy together. I am surprised at myself that things are moving this quickly. It hasn't been 48 hours since the first "talk".
> 
> She's divorcing you don't you think it's time you cut your codependency on her? Cmon man!!!
> 
> ...


This is the time for you to become a better man and forge a new life. You can't very well do that by letting her lead you around and help move you out of your home.

If she wants the divorce why isn't she moving out? You have been played and manipulated for a long time. Maybe it's time you stopped?


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## BrokenArrow (Jul 28, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> This is the time for you to become a better man and forge a new life. You can't very well do that by letting her lead you around and help move you out of your home.
> 
> If she wants the divorce why isn't she moving out? You have been played and manipulated for a long time. Maybe it's time you stopped?


She asked to help to choose a place. I accepted it. That is all. I spotted a place I like. Hope to go see it early this week. Checked budget, is affordable. 

I don't have an answer as to why I am moving out. But a new place and new start seem fine by me.
I am going to get a pool table. For the dining room! Video game station. It will be the ultimate boy playground. I haven't had a chance to think like this for many years. Will take some getting used to.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

In the future don't just settle. Look what that gets you. I hope you don't get manipulated and taken advantage of in the divorce but with your mindset that's a very big possibility.

If you're smart once you're out you'll cut this off except limited texts for the kids and D only.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I would seek advice from a good attorney so you know you're not getting screwed.

In a D you can't trust anyone.

Good luck to you


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BrokenArrow said:


> She asked to help to choose a place. I accepted it. That is all. I spotted a place I like. Hope to go see it early this week. Checked budget, is affordable.
> 
> *I don't have an answer as to why I am moving out. *But a new place and new start seem fine by me.
> I am going to get a pool table. For the dining room! Video game station. It will be the ultimate boy playground. I haven't had a chance to think like this for many years. Will take some getting used to.


*Because she told you to.* She's setting this up to get what she wants and on her terms.

50/50 custody is almost a given these days but you had better stand up for yourself.

Better start using your head or you'll end up on the short end of the stick.

"Oh, she would never do that to me"!!! Yes, she would.


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## BrokenArrow (Jul 28, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> In the future don't just settle. Look what that gets you. I hope you don't get manipulated and taken advantage of in the divorce but with your mindset that's a very big possibility.
> 
> If you're smart once you're out you'll cut this off except limited texts for the kids and D only.


I will take your advice.
You are right, I am susceptible to being manipulated in this scenario. I fear it will sneak up on me over time and I won't even realize it.

I will watch closely for anything that appears to being taken advantage of. I think a mediator will go a long ways in that regard.

By the end of August, it will be limited talks and prepping for D. That is the plan.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

No way should you be the one to move out. And if you do anyway (which I suppose you will), please do NOT go apartment shopping together!! Thats the ultimate codependent, doormattish behavior.

She wants a divorce? Let HER move out. You and the kids will be just fine in the marital home. You can still put a pool table in your dining room and set up a gaming center after she empties out some of the furniture.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BrokenArrow said:


> I will take your advice.
> You are right, I am susceptible to being manipulated in this scenario. I fear it will sneak up on me over time and I won't even realize it.
> 
> I will watch closely for anything that appears to being taken advantage of. *I think a mediator will go a long ways in that regard.*
> ...


uh huh. Who's picking the mediator? I'd bet she does and they may or may not be neutral. 

Get a good attorney for advice. Don't sign anything until you have it checked out.

You are already putting yourself at her mercy man.

I got news for you. Good women look for strength in men. You'd better fix yourself if you don't want to go through this again. Don't think it can't happen.

You have a lot of work to do on yourself. Better get started.

Don't wake up broke and wondering how you let yourself get there.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> No way should you be the one to move out. And if you do anyway (which I suppose you will), please do NOT go apartment shopping together!! Thats the ultimate codependent, doormattish behavior.
> 
> *She wants a divorce? Let HER move out. You and the kids will be just fine in the marital home.* You can still put a pool table in your dining room and set up a gaming center after she empties out some of the furniture.


Good advice from a smart lady.

Tell her she can move in with her boyfriend. Check your phone bill. You can get his name.

Surprise her a bit.


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## BrokenArrow (Jul 28, 2017)

happy as a clam said:


> No way should you be the one to move out. And if you do anyway (which I suppose you will), please do NOT go apartment shopping together!! Thats the ultimate codependent, doormattish behavior.
> 
> She wants a divorce? Let HER move out. You and the kids will be just fine in the marital home. You can still put a pool table in your dining room and set up a gaming center after she empties out some of the furniture.


I am going to move out. But I'll take everyone's advice here and go house hunting on my own. 
For 16+ years, we've made all decisions together, it is a hard habit to break. 

One factor in all of this. The new house will be the same quality of life as the current house. With 2 exceptions. 

1. There won't be all the memories in the new place. It will be a fresh slate. I want to look forward and not back.
2. Current house has a ton of landscaping upkeep and a pool to maintain. Not my problem anymore.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

BrokenArrow said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I just joined and have been reading through posts. I can't tell you how very grateful I am to be able to see the stories and know what so many of you are going through. It helps tremendously.
> 
> ...


*Tell any and all family parties when you feel like it, preferably sooner than later!

All third parties? When you're absolutely up to telling them!*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BrokenArrow said:


> I am going to move out. But I'll take everyone's advice here and go house hunting on my own.
> For 16+ years, we've made all decisions together, it is a hard habit to break.
> 
> One factor in all of this. The new house will be the same quality of life as the current house. With 2 exceptions.
> ...


Make it so because she'll probably want to cake eat. Have her new man for romance but you for emotional and family support. If you're smart you'll take yourself completely out of that equation. It'll take backbone but you could do it if you wanted to.

Make sure you get your half of everything. I'd be going for 50/50 custody or you'll get stuck with a lot of child support plus the kids need their father.

Finances may net seem important at the moment but long term they are critical!!!!!

Better awaken and stand your ground.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

My only concern is that when you move out some guy will move in...you house, your stuff....how are you going to keep from that happening...I think there is someone in the wings.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lostinthought61 said:


> My only concern is that when you move out some guy will move in...you house, your stuff....how are you going to keep from that happening...I think there is someone in the wings.


That's exactly what's going to happen unless he has a provision in the separation agreement that precludes introducing the kids to a new man for a certain period of time but that's usually not enforceable.

However, OP seems to just go along with what he's told. His only option is a hard no contact until he can get to detachment but that takes a year or two if you apply it.

I suspect unless OP changes himself drastically he'll always be at the wife's mercy.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

BrokenArrow said:


> The new house will be the same quality of life as the current house. With 2 exceptions.
> 
> 1. There won't be all the memories in the new place. It will be a fresh slate. I want to look forward and not back.
> 2. Current house has a ton of landscaping upkeep and a pool to maintain. Not my problem anymore.


You forgot #3.

*3. You'll no longer be living with a cheater.*

You're obviously in denial because you've refused to acknowledge the multitude of posts telling you she's cheating on you.

You'll eventually find out the truth.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You forgot #3.
> 
> *3. You'll no longer be living with a cheater.*
> 
> ...


Hahaha good one! You do "still have it"!


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