# How do you characterize this?



## hightower99 (Mar 17, 2017)

How do you characterize the behavior of one spouse engaging in a ten minute monologue that only focuses on what they feel and then abruptly say “have a good day” while leaving for work? What’s the point of unloading on your spouse without giving them the opportunity to respond?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Because she knows you didn't listen in the past.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

hightower99 said:


> How do you characterize the behavior of one spouse engaging in a ten minute monologue that only focuses on what they feel and then abruptly say “have a good day” while leaving for work? What’s the point of unloading on your spouse without giving them the opportunity to respond?


 Maybe they wanted to give time to consider what was said. Maybe they did not want a response. My wife can't respond to anything in a timely manner but then also thinks out loud which can get confusing considering the delay. It usually results in the topic not being responded to until brought up again.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

hightower99 said:


> What’s the point of unloading on your spouse without giving them the opportunity to respond?



Many people's world consists only of the cylindrical volume of their own height and contained within the circumference equal to their arm-span.

There is no room within their world for others, not even their spouses. They usually don't want to be confused by any facts.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Maybe they wanted to give time to consider what was said. Maybe they did not want a response. My wife can't respond to anything in a timely manner but then also thinks out loud which can get confusing considering the delay. It usually results in the topic not being responded to until brought up again.


Good one RC. My wife does the thinking out load as well. It is confusing !!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

In general, women do this.

We just want to get it out. Share.

It doesn't necessarily need to be fixed. Or you could always ask - Do you want my thoughts, or are you simply sharing?

Just love and accept us in our emotional moments. 



hightower99 said:


> How do you characterize the behavior of one spouse engaging in a ten minute monologue that only focuses on what they feel and then abruptly say “have a good day” while leaving for work? What’s the point of unloading on your spouse without giving them the opportunity to respond?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you are dealing with somebody who can twist your words around and make you feel guilty for having either boundaries or a backbone then sometimes this is the only way to get your point across. Some people are masters of gaslighting and face to face discussion is pointless. 
On only one occasion with my then girlfriend did I do this. 
My last word on the particular subject was “I am accepting only one answer,yes or no. Anything other than a yes I will take as a no”. 
In all fairness she was really pissing me off at the time. Lol.


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## hightower99 (Mar 17, 2017)

Perhaps, I was too vague in my original post. In our relationship we have had many issues come and go unresolved. This has led me to become wary of making any further efforts to find common ground because it just escalates the tension between us. In other words, disagreements never result in an equitable solution. As per my original post, by monologue, I mean, I sat their quietly allowing myself to be barraged with comments I felt were disparaging and offensive and not in the best interest of improving our relationship or any problem therein.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You have gotten wildly varied responses to your question because you didn't give us any information, so we have no idea what kinds of feelings she was unloading or in what context. Although it's probably a standard that people don't usually offer telling information about their own actions, I still have to ask what you mean by "opportunity to respond" and what response you were planning.

So, if she has unloaded in similar fashion in the past, and you disagreed with her, then I would say that a person's feelings are not negotiable. Expressing her feelings is not something she expects to have to argue about because they are her feelings and she is entitled to them without you thinking you have to approve them or disagree with them or state your own opinion regarding them, or interject your feelings contrary to hers. Everything I told my first husband he did or said and how it made me feel, he immediately and vehemently denied. But that's what I'm saying. Expressing my feelings were not up for his approval, agreement, or denial. So his response invariably was to tell me I didn't feel the way I said I felt, and he never ever took responsibility for his words or actions.

If you do similarly toward your wife, then all she wanted to do was tell you how she felt and avoid opportunity for you to object or explain or deny or claim you didn't do or say whatever she thinks caused her feelings. What she needed was for you to know how she felt so that you would hopefully not do or say that again. But again, I have no idea what she was telling you, so I projected my own experience into your life, as did everyone else. Perhaps the feelings she was expressing had nothing to do with you at all. You didn't tell us one way or another. 

Would you like to let us know the context of what it is we're supposed to be responding to so there's not so much conjecture and varied responses?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

hightower99 said:


> I sat their quietly allowing myself to be barraged with comments I felt were disparaging and offensive and not in the best interest of improving our relationship or any problem therein.


This disparagement will continue if no solutions are worked out. It might be best to seek a neutral third party professional marriage counselor who can mediate some discussion and give you both some "tools".


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## hightower99 (Mar 17, 2017)

TJW said:


> This disparagement will continue if no solutions are worked out. It might be best to seek a neutral third party professional marriage counselor who can mediate some discussion and give you both some "tools".


I completely concur, however, my spouse would never agree to this.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

hightower99 said:


> Perhaps, I was too vague in my original post. In our relationship we have had many issues come and go unresolved. This has led me to become wary of making any further efforts to find common ground because it just escalates the tension between us. In other words, disagreements never result in an equitable solution. As per my original post, by monologue, I mean, I sat their quietly allowing myself to be barraged with comments I felt were disparaging and offensive and not in the best interest of improving our relationship or any problem therein.


Hightower99, I was typing my response when you posted this, and it sounds like I was on the right track. If I may ask you to understand that I've become accustomed to some guys on this board and other boards being totally insensitive to women's feelings to the point of being accused of having an agenda against men or an unhealthy view of men, and then you come and characterize your wife expressing her feelings as a "disparaging and offensive barrage." That's exactly what I was talking about. Her feelings were not up for your approval or agreement. Nor were you to deny her feelings with such characterizations letting us know that how she felt meant nothing to you except for the personal context in which you took them. If you didn't like her tone or the way she expressed her feelings, then I can understand she probably said things the wrong way, but that doesn't mean her feelings themselves were to be flouted in such a way as you have done. And her tone isn't what you complained about anyway. But if that was the actual problem, then neither her tone nor your refusal to understand are in any way conducive to improving the relationship. As you stated, nothing gets resolved, and nothing possibly can if you two go at each other while completely ignoring each other at the same time.

And that's also what I meant when I said it's a standard that people don't usually offer telling information about their own actions. You contribute to the dysfunction just like you feel she does. But inability to communicate is a common problem with lots and lots of couples, and it's easily remedied by going to counseling to learn better communication skills, conflict resolution, and how to fight fairly. You were still vague about what she was saying to you but did offer enough to determine that all you and she need is to go see a counselor, but I'm afraid that is not what you will get on a forum like this. Most will jump on your bandwagon, which will make you feel justified even though they haven't nearly enough information to judge one way or another. Some will jump on hers even though she isn't here to tell it. Quite a few others will take what you said at face value and tell you to head for a divorce attorney. I don't think any of those will be helpful to you in the slightest way, but counseling surely will.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

hightower99 said:


> I completely concur, however, my spouse would never agree to this.


What, specifically, do you feel needs to be worked on in counseling? Does your wife disagree with your assessment of what needs to be addressed, or is she opposed to counseling in it's entirety?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

If her monologue was disparaging toward you what makes you think an answer was needed by her? She didn't wait around because her criticism isn't a negotiable topic, her goal is to make you feel like ****. 

I "characterize" it as her being critical of you and wanting to make you hurt.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

hightower99 said:


> (marriage counseling) my spouse would never agree to this.


When people won't agree to marriage counseling, it's sometimes because their goal is to change YOU. 

Many, many of us have spouses who are not in love with us, but they would be in love with the person they want to change us into.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TJW said:


> When people won't agree to marriage counseling, it's sometimes because their goal is to change YOU.
> 
> Many, many of us have spouses who are not in love with us, but they would be in love with the person they want to change us into.


Like the old joke about the three words to describe the perfect marriage from the wife's point of view:

Aisle, Alter, Hymn.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Like the old joke about the three words to describe the perfect marriage from the wife's point of view:
> 
> Aisle, Alter, Hymn.


I can't believe it took me a minute to get the joke.

One doesn't have to sit there and tolerate the monologue. You can interrupt and say that the two of you can have a discussion about her concerns when there is adequate time. You don't have to be her punching bag.


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## Rejectedliver (Jan 1, 2019)

hightower99 said:


> Perhaps, I was too vague in my original post. In our relationship we have had many issues come and go unresolved. This has led me to become wary of making any further efforts to find common ground because it just escalates the tension between us. In other words, disagreements never result in an equitable solution. As per my original post, by monologue, I mean, I sat their quietly allowing myself to be barraged with comments I felt were disparaging and offensive and not in the best interest of improving our relationship or any problem therein.


Wow why even try with that i think i would pack the bags You didnt say anything? Deliberately nasty to try and get rid of u ??


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## Husband2016 (May 27, 2018)

hightower99 said:


> Perhaps, I was too vague in my original post. In our relationship we have had many issues come and go unresolved. This has led me to become wary of making any further efforts to find common ground because it just escalates the tension between us. In other words, disagreements never result in an equitable solution. As per my original post, by monologue, I mean, I sat their quietly allowing myself to be barraged with comments I felt were disparaging and offensive and not in the best interest of improving our relationship or any problem therein.


It’s still alittle vague and lacking context. But, from the little provided it seems you two have an issue truly communicating. It appears the two of you talk AT each other rather than with each other. Getting back to what your question is, I would characterize it as frustration from her feeling not validated in her feelings. 

That being said, it’s pretty crappy for a spouse to unload, disparage, and barraged. Respect for a spouse should be paramount, even when one is expressing their feelings. No one gets a pass to act that way because they’re “expressing” how they feel. My own wife does this to me yelling at times in frustration and even worse when I ask her to speak civil and respectfully. 

If it’s a one off situation, I’d brush it off; we’re human and all need to vent now and again. If frequent, set your boundaries with it that you won’t be spoken to this way, but that you’re open to hearing them out on their feelings.


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