# Common curtesy request leads to wtf?



## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

My husband travels a lot. I am used to that and handle it very well. The only thing I have asked is that he let me know his schedule so I can make plans. We have three kids and all have very busy sports schedules, often conflicting so I need notice to make arrangements when I can't be two places at once. 

He made it clear Sept would be busy. He was out of town almost all last week. Came home Thrusday and pretty much crashed all weekend. No biggie. 

What threw me was Monday morning he started packing to leave again. I asked Where are you going? All weekend he NEVER once mentioned he was leaving again this week. In fact, he talked about going to the main office for some annoying meetings he would rather not have to attend. 

His response? "I told you I would be gone all week!" (note w/ nasty tone...)

I said "absolutely not, you did not tell me. Otherwise I would have been on the phone making driving arrangements for the sports this week." My girls have a ton of schedule changes due to rain delays and this week is gonna be nuts!!!!!

What kicked me most was his follow up comment: 

"I know I told you: its not like I am HIDING anything!"

What????? That was so not in my quiry...schedule conflicts were my concern. 

At that point, I just dropped the whole conversation because it felt so weird. I got on the phone and started making arrangements for carpooling. 

Later, he suddenly decided he was not leaving until Tuesday, turned on super-helpful man and offered to make dinner while I did the sports run. 

Weird again. 

Then to finalize it all, I asked my middle daughter (his buddy) if he had mentioned going out of town to her. She said "No, why is he gonna miss my games this week?" 

Now you have to understand, I usually know when he is going out of town but rarely does he do a run down of the cities he is going to with me. But he always tells her...I find this whole situation feels off. 

Starting to wonder what is going on with him....above and beyond my usual.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Has anything else happened that seems off other than this one day? While I admit it does seem a little strange and I can pretty easily make an argument for suspicion of some pretty bad news based on your post I wouldn't jump to conclusions based solely on what you posted. 

Having said that I'm also an advocate of inspect what you expect so I periodically pick up my wife's phone to see what she's been up to.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Well, the only thing that would make me prickle, is the attitude...you say you're getting a weird vibe, too, and that would cause me to question things...

Then, I'm more suspicious than most, I guess, but I must say that my sixth sense has never failed me, all my life. Trust your gut feeling, be on guard, and observe.


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

Honestly, who knows. He is such a clam about everything and refuses to engage its hard to tell. 

What put my hackles up was the "I'm not hiding anything" declaration. Till that was said, I just assumed he was just being his typical inconsiderate self. Just seems like a big ommision when you hung out all weekend and never once dropped the idea. 

My daughter having no idea trips me up too. I don't want to overreact but this just seems odd.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would have had a hard time not asking him what his "I'm not hiding anything" comment meant. I wouldn't be able to let that go at all.

WTF? is right where I would be too.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

He *is* hiding something. Or else he would not have said that for no reason.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Unless you are skyping each other all the time in a relationship with THAT much traveling I would suspect he has secrets, that would be a very lonely existence for a man. His being a clam and refusing to engage is just not a good sign. 

Is he jumping your bones when he gets home- many times before he leaves again ?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Unless you are skyping each other all the time in a relationship with THAT much traveling I would suspect he has secrets, *that would be a very lonely existence for a man*. His being a clam and refusing to engage is just not a good sign.
> 
> Is he jumping your bones when he gets home- many times before he leaves again ?


Lonely? How about contacting your wife? She's without him as much as he is without her. And the children make a poor substitute for your partner IMO. At night she's lying in bed alone every night he's gone.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

A Bit Much said:


> Lonely? How about contacting your wife? She's without him as much as he is without her. And the children make a poor substitute for your partner IMO. At night she's lying in bed alone every night he's gone.


I couldn't agree more, it would be a horribly difficult situation for both, so hopefully to make it work, they BOTH need to be calling, texting, skyping each other ALOT to keep their spirits & hearts alive unto each other. I didn't mean it in a one sided way, it was just that he was called into question and I was asking about HIS behavior in particular. 


My husband could have taken a job over the road with lots of traveling in our early marriege, I told him point blank, I wouldn't be able to handle it , I would have been "too lonely". Of caorse women get lonely too.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I wouldn't trust a man who was away from home all the time.

Fathers who are frequently gone, miss their kid's childhoods.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

MAJOR red flags here and I HIGHLY suspect somebody else. Start snooping and see if he really is going out of town for business as often as he is. Check his phone, put a VAR in his car (voice activated recorder), consider a keylogger for his computer as well.
Nobody and I mean nobody gets that defensive if it is an innocent mistake, as in he forgot to tell you his schedule. That just simply isn't the de facto stance. If he had nothing to hide it would be "Wow, sorry I didn't tell you sooner" certainly not what he said. Also, his being all nice and leaving later is to throw you off his scent. If he REALLY had a business appointment in a different city, he sure as hell wouldn't postpone it. Nope, this isn't/wasn't business travel and you need to find out what is going on.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Check the credit card receipts et al. Phone logs.


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

Sigh. I would love to be able to verify. Not sure how to do this. 

I feel the same way about him suddenly postponing what was a "nessasary" travel trip too. That felt like red flag. I don't know how to check his cell or credit card as they are both work issued and I have no access to the billing information. 

The other thing I was wondering: his alma matter is having homecoming week. I was wondering if maybe he is going to that and just avoiding telling me as it would be yet another fun event he is going to and leaving me behind. 

I did have to lol at therealbrighteyes comment about keeping in contact when he travels. 

As I mentioned in other posts, he has traveled for YEARS (his career is in sales) and I have always been home raising the kids. We live over 8 hrs away from any family so the family responcibilites have always fallen completely on me. Whenever he travels, communication has always been fairly sparse. On my end its because he would call at the end of the day and I was exhausted. He had a knack for calling right as I was falling asleep. I would always ask him to call earlier but dinners and meetings always seem to preclude that option. 

After many years and lots of silence even when he is home, phone calls seem pretty pointless. He usually talks to the kids then asks me how things are but I usually get the grunts and audibles at the wrong time so I know he isn't even really listening. Of course, he denies that too. 

I did get really angry yesterday as I ruminated over the situation. I texted him this message

Note bad language alert..... I think I am about at my limit...usually I am more composed. 

Here is the text: 

Me: Just fyi (our daughter's name) says u never mentioned travel this week either & u tell her far more about your plans than me. Just once I wish u would apologise instead of the bs of putting the communication error on me. I never said you were hiding anything. U did. Now I am trying to figure out what that is supposed to mean. 

Husband: I apologize

Me:LOL. WTF FOR? Dissembling so much that I don't trust what u tell me? Not giving me the common curtesy of your travel plans? Treating me like I am stupid for not remembering something you NEVER MENTIONED? Ur apology means **** at this point when I have to ask for it and way after the fact. 

Husband: My apology is for not making it absolutely clear to you that I would need to travel to **** this week. I am sorry my actions continue to make you distrust my word. 

Discuss amongst yourself because I know this was not a very satisfactory response to me.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

From your text, I can see why he likes to travel alot. Just my opinion.


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

Thanks a lot Kobo but this is a very rare response by myself. Maybe read up on some of my other posts and you would have a better understanding of what has been going on...


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

And honestly, I don't see him as the cheating kind. It may sound painfully naive but he has always commented/behaved very negatively toward anyone who cheats. I always have heard stories of the bad things that go on at sales meetings/conferences but thought "Not my husband". 

It really never concerned me but the last year or so his communication and evasiveness seems pronounced. His "I'm not hiding anything comment" rings of "he doth protest too much". Plus, if he is not being silent toward me, he is testy in a way that even the kids are noticing. Just a lot feels wonky right now.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

nnoodle said:


> Thanks a lot Kobo but this is a very rare response by myself. Maybe read up on some of my other posts and you would have a better understanding of what has been going on...


A post detailing your escape plan and one being upset because your husband doesn't ask for a raise didn't really move me to change my opinion. On this issue I have no idea on what it's like to travel frequently for work. I choose positions that don't require much travel. It could be that the days/weeks begin to run together or that he doesn't have the energy to deal with all the activities and would rather be out of town so he does his work and then goes back to the hotel. Of course, He could be meeting his mistress a day early. Attacking via text does no good in either situation. Getting heated in the middle of the conversation is expected. Attacking days later after he tried to show he's sorry by being extra nice does no one any good. Reading his last line of text back made me think of him as a man defeated and maybe one with an exit strategy of his own.


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

I guess I get it: I am suposed to put up with everything he dishes without ever expressing concern/hurt/frustration. 

The idea of getting heated in a conversation with him? We don't get into heated conversations, haven't for years... This text exhange is the most heated conversation I can remember in years. And note, only I was frustrated. He really doesn't seem to care one bit about how his schedule affected anybody in our house. 

Again Kobo, I would read a bit further back if you want to understand what I have been living with. Look up Apathetic Husband too Long.

Doesn't the whole "I'm not hiding anything" just seem weird? Again, that is where I am stuck.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

nnoodle said:


> I guess I get it: I am suposed to put up with everything he dishes without ever expressing concern/hurt/frustration.
> 
> The idea of getting heated in a conversation with him? We don't get into heated conversations, haven't for years...he just ignores me and walks away. I gave up trying that a long time ago. This text exhange is the most heated conversation I can remember in years. But thanks.



I don't see where it says that you have to put up with everything he does. I said your text doesn't help the situation. It looks like you guys have a communication issue. On both sides.


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

No doubt about the communication issue. Been trying to overcome that for years.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Been with my husband 18 years. He always despised cheating in anyway. Really tought he was aboce all that and condemed any one for being unfaithful and guedd what? He had an EA with a work colleague that we are now picking up the pieces from. Its devastating.

When i first asked him why his phone was ALWAYS in his pocket and why it was locked he became super defensive! I knew from that minute that something wasnr right and went with my instinct.

hope everything turns out ok for you tjough. Sounds like you have both disconnected from each other, this is waht happened with us. You need to get to the bottom of this and start talking and reconecting x


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

Uggh. horrible night. Could not turn off my worries. 

I had a long conversation with my best friend yesterday. She has been one of the only people who has seen my relationship with my husband from the very begining until now. 

I have never really talked with anyone about my marriage except for my mc and here. It was really hard talking with her yesterday, especially since her marriage is really great (a big part of why I don't talk about mine: I don't want to dump on her and worry her when she is so happy) Plus, talking about it makes it much more real if that makes sense. 

Apparently, once I did open up/fell apart she finally felt okay to express concerns she has had for a long time. I guess I didn't realize how much she saw going on. Her husband has also been worried too. 

I am so reluctant to ask my husband some really tough questions because I am honestly afraid of his answers and even worse, I am afraid he will lie to me. And sadly, if he lies I will know as he is the worst liar I have ever met. Then I will have a double whammy to deal with. 

Lots of fear. Lots of worry. Lots of tears right now.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nnoodle said:


> Uggh. horrible night. Could not turn off my worries.
> 
> I had a long conversation with my best friend yesterday. She has been one of the only people who has seen my relationship with my husband from the very begining until now.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you're hurting right now nnoodle. This is a tough spot to be in. It's good to be able to talk about it with your friend who can be objective and supportive at the same time, and more importantly HONEST with you and what she's seen over the years. Sometimes when you're in a situation you can't see just how bad things are. 

I hope you're able to work things out with your husband. You two really need to spend time together and talk about what's going on in depth. It's scary, and I know you probably don't want to hear all of what he has to say, but IMO neither does he. That's why you've both been dancing around like you have been.

Good luck to you.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Any cheater can easily pretend to be against infidelity. 


There's no use in only seeing what we want to see. My father was a quiet and family oriented man-the last person anyone would suspect. He had an affair for more than ten years. 

Come on nnoodle....your rationalization of your husband's attitudes is weak at best. 


It doesn't sound like much of a marriage, more like you are a single mom with someone that pays for things.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Instead of having long conversations with your friends, YOU HAD BETTER START HAVING LONG CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR H.

I UNDERSTAND HE NEEDS TO WORK, AND YOU LIVE A GOOD, AND SATISFYING LIFESTYLE CUZ OF HIS WORK, -----BUT

From an outsider's view---looking in at your mge., thru YOUR posts (your eyes)---your mge., is starting to crack apart

Everything is his travels, or your kids schedules

When was the LAST TIME---you and your H. went out on a DATE

You had better start forcing some conversations, or you and your H., are gonna end up sitting in front of atty's, with your kids schedules, being passed off tween the 2 of you as in split homes, and you out looking for your own job/jobs.

You may not think so---but if you go to the different sites, and read, about situations like yours, --it is a deadly situation, where everything is being covered, but the mge., itself, and the two of you better come together now, and help the mge out

If you have to threaten your H., with D. to make him sit and talk to you---then do so----the more you ignore this situation, or do nothing about it--the larger the crack in the mge., is gonna get

Be very careful about your future, I may sound drastic/harsh---but believe me---I am right on, as to your marital situation.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

nnoodle said:


> Uggh. horrible night. Could not turn off my worries.
> 
> I had a long conversation with my best friend yesterday. She has been one of the only people who has seen my relationship with my husband from the very begining until now.
> 
> ...


Start snooping first. get your ducks in order before yo ask questions. Once you begin to ask questions he will go really underground and it will begin to get mucn harder to find out things.

Read how Shamwow dealt with this. He got all his answers before he acted. Ask yourself what would Sham do?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ls-lot-sex-life-has-stalled-worried-help.html


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

Well. Life has taken a weird and decidedly sad turn. The one bright spot is I have an appointment Monday for couseling. Things are so far beyond what I thought that I am completely lost. 

Long story short: my husband went out of town again which involved traveling with a female coworker. This has happened before, however she lives closer to another airport then the one they flew out of. I questioned him on the flight together and it led to in a direction I NEVER anticipated...

He accused me of having an affair 9 years ago citing back to a neighbor I was friends with that made him uncomfortable. 

1. When he made it clear the friendship mad him uncomfortable, I cut ties immediately. It was never an affair! EA or otherwise. 

The kicker in the whole things is my husband would go on fishing trips, concerts, drinking etc et al with this guy while I stayed home with the kids. When we did hang out, it was always with other neighbors, their kids and his mom and my kids! 

2. In the last 8+ years my husband has never shared with me he thought an affair was happening...totally blindsided.

3. My husband also went on to say how angry he was at me for being "twofaced" and upset for my friend when her husband cheated on her since I was willing to do the same myself. 

WTF on a whole new level!

How could anyone suspect a spouse of cheating for 8+ years and stay with them? I don't know how that would be possible. To share a home, bed and life and never mention it? 

I guess this explains a lot of how he has acted for years as I begged him to be more involved in my life and that of our kids. 

His accusation tore me to shreds. I have never cheated on him and I don't know what to do with the level of distrust he has. 

At this point, I am holding myself together as best I can. Monday's counseling session cannot come soon enough. At this point counseling is for me. I am not perfect by any stretch but have always been faithful, honest, smart and a fantastic mom. I know that to be true. To find out my husband thinks this of me? Devastating. 

He is still out of town. He insists he is not having an affair of any kind. Of course, he is angry I questioned his fidelity.


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

JNJexpress: I do hear you. Loud an clear. Last week when my husband came home from his last trip, I stated very clearly I think we are headed for divorce if we don't run to a marriage counselor. 

He seemed game and I thought really took to heart what I said. I think that is also why I feel so shell shocked after the turn of events this friday/saturday. 

I really thought things couldn't get worse and they did.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Look at it this way... it's not worse.. it's BETTER!
Because after 9 years, he finally said something to you about what has been bothering me. He's talking to you. He agreed to go to counselling. Now maybe you can deal with the issues.
Thank him for finally starting to talk to you.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

This is the hard part of communicating - you have to be prepared and able to hear somethings you don't want to hear. I'm like deejov - I see it as a positive, at least it's movement. However, while I'm typing this someone else is typing that your H is transferring his own bad behavior onto you and blame shifting, that this is another red flag of bad behavior on his part - possible? Absolutely so don't dismiss it, it's just not my take on things at this point. 

Don't react emotionally to what he said or he'll stop communicating. Stay calm, rational, and level headed and encourage him to continue communicating. This is definitely a topic for your up coming counseling session.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sometimes you do a favor for someone and they tear your head off. I was thinking of the time I mentioned to a woman in a parking lot that she left her lights on and wow did I get an earful how 'this is a Lexus and the turn off by themselves and mind your own god damned business!!' 

Suffice it to say that I no longer do this sort if thing. Don't care if your car is on fire. Not my problem.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I can appreciate the sadness of being scorned for doing a good deed. Some people are just like that I suppose.


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

runs like a dog: I am so lost as to what you are saying/implying.

For those wanting more background: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/28011-apathetic-husband-too-long.html


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Sometimes you do a favor for someone and they tear your head off. I was thinking of the time I mentioned to a woman in a parking lot that she left her lights on and wow did I get an earful how 'this is a Lexus and the turn off by themselves and mind your own god damned business!!'
> 
> Suffice it to say that I no longer do this sort if thing. Don't care if your car is on fire. Not my problem.


LOL the garbage truck. Good book. Don't let other people dump their garbage on you as they go by. Let some other sucker take it.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

Am I the only one thinking that perhaps husband is simply deflecting/distracting from his affair?

Husband = very defensive

Husband tells no one of plans to go on work trip and then somehow is able to put it off for a bit

Husband is flying with female coworker

Husband is confronted and then turns accusation back on wife over friendship from 9 years ago.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I did read your other posts. One thing stuck out, which was references to looking up physcological analysis, trying to figure out what's wrong with him, and a comment that he has emotional detachment. I did not see a lot of what your H has to say about anything. Although you did say you feel it's not worth the efforts\you are done. Have you read the Walk away wife syndrome? and the Anytime mid life crisis? 

Way past being friends here. Just given up and say nothing. Runs like dog comes to mind (sorry, dude).

Maybe give him something productive to do before counselling. 
He's been told what to do for a long time now. And not responded.


If he was having an affair... would anyone else agree that he might have seemed "happier" during this time?


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

lol.You are right: you don't see a lot of what my husband has to say because he rarely says anything. 

In the few conversations we have had about our situation over the years, he always cites his childhood and learning to shut out conflict. Like I said, I get it! But knowing you have that issue and it is PROFOUNDLY affecting your relationship with your wife and you profess a desire to stay married, you would think a fellow would work on it! I have begged him to go to counseling many times over the years and he doesn't do it. I can't fix our marriage by myself.
So, now I am working on me. 

And yes, I have read Walk Away Wife Syndrom. It fits fairly well save the nagging/silence. My husband still says I don't nag (the only thing I have ever heard him brag about to his friends about me). I figured out early in our relationship if I asked more than twice he dug in his heels even more and wouldn't do anything I asked. So, I just did it myself. Lets just say I learned a LOT: the only thing I won't tackle myself is electrical work. Too scary for me. 

The silence part? Not so sure. I am not a knock em down, drag em out fighter. When I have something to express to my husband I usually compose letters. I have always felt with his fear of confrontation it was a way to present how I felt that he could read in privacy and give him a chance to absorb what I was saying without being in his face. Like I mentioned before, it usually resulted in conversations that felt as if he "got it" but then he would revert to form within weeks. 

But then again, I haven't written a letter in two years so maybe that is my silent give up? 

As to him having an affair: he still insists no. The difference in his behavior that I see is an anger toward me and the kids as if we are a hassle all the time. A thread of anger flashing a lot below the surface. Just anything we do annoys him. Before he was nicer. Distant, aloof but mildly friendly.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Thanks for sharing. The other question I had was I read that you have been sleeping on the couch for the past year? and have not been intimate in 8 months? Is the couch thing really due to his snoring, or just avoiding him because you have been fed up with him for the past year (not wanting to sleep in the same bed with him).

So if it's been a year... it might take awhile. You've been 'separated' so to speak. If I moved to the couch, my husband would not bust a move either. He has a similar trait to avoiding conflict at all costs, same reasons. And he sure won't bring up "issues". And be defensive when I bring them up.
What am I learning about this? That I have to find another way to discuss things. Whatever 'way' works with his personality so that he understands it's about changing behaviors and not HIM.

yes, they understand that what they are doing is hurting you. They do. But they don't HOW to do it any other way, or they don't care. 

Sometimes I think pushing them won't give you the answer. Sometimes I think they think if the right person just understood them better.. and maybe they are right. Mismatch. Doesn't mean you cannot learn how to interact more productively. Some people don't want to learn new ways or move forward. Please don't assume you KNOW that he will or won't. Just figure out if you want to. 
Good luck  take care, please let us know how it's going.


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

The couch is a twofold issue. 

He does have a significant snoring problem. I am assuming at this point he has sleep apnea. Every bit of research I have done online matches up. It is downright nerve wracking to listen to ever changing patterns of snoring throughout the night! There have been many times I have counted to 30 in between breaths where he gasps/snortles (my term but it fits) for air. 

I have repeatedly presented him with the research/assessement criteria with a request to have a sleep study done. He won't do it. Not only does it cause me a lot of sleep deprivation, it can and will take a terrible toll on his heart. It can also lead to strokes. I know it affects his energy levels and concentration. I made 2 appointments for the sleep study and he canceled both last minute. 

Finally, I gave up and moved to the couch so at least one of us wasn't sleep deprived. 

I thought that might spur him on to treat the condition. Instead, I just heard about how great it was to be able to spread out in bed on the diagonal. 

That lead to the second issue: he really didn't seem to care I moved out of the bed. I would think most men would mind. He seemed awfully content. 

We have been intimate since my last post citing 8 months. I don't know how he felt about it but to me while it was physically satisfying, emotionally it felt empty. 

Not sure if that makes sense but not much does to me lately.


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