# Husband calls me vile names....



## trying2survive

Hello.

My husband and I had a fight, a short one, but it escalated to the point where he called me a c--t, and a b-tch. Yep. Ugly. Does it even matter at that point what we were arguing about? If things get so bad that he does that, is there even any point? 

It's certainly not the first time, and I know he does it to deliberately hurt me. He has little to no control over his temper, but has never raised a hand to me or our teenage son. 

I'm new here, but am at my wit's end. I'm actually wondering if this marriage should be saved, or if I'm a fool for staying. It's obvious that his contempt runs so deep that he would call me such things, and that my self-esteem is so low, and my dependency on him is so great, that I allow him to do it.

We're walking around each other now, not speaking or even looking at each other, and will continue to do so until enough time has passed (a couple of days, maybe?) that we either have another big fight or just grow apathetic enough to resume normal communication like nothing ever happened. And how do I know this? Because we've done it all before.

He won't apologize. Never has, never will. He sees our fights as just as much my fault as his (perhaps...) and his name-calling as justified (I know it's not).

I would like to see a therapist, either alone for me to just preserve my sanity, or together with him. I'm actually looking for someone to sit across a table from him and tell him that there are no circumstances on earth that warrant such horrible name-calling to your wife. If I told him that, he would just laugh. But I guess it's obvious that we have some serious issues to work through. 

Or, I have some serious bag-packing to do. Ugh....

We've been married for 16 years and are financially stable.

If you've read this far, thanks. Thoughts? Advice? Any guidance would be appreciated.

Thank you.


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## P51Geo1980

trying2survive said:


> Hello.
> 
> My husband and I had a fight, a short one, but it escalated to the point where he called me a c--t, and a b-tch. Yep. Ugly. Does it even matter at that point what we were arguing about? If things get so bad that he does that, is there even any point?
> 
> It's certainly not the first time, and I know he does it to deliberately hurt me. He has little to no control over his temper, but has never raised a hand to me or our teenage son.
> 
> I'm new here, but am at my wit's end. I'm actually wondering if this marriage should be saved, or if I'm a fool for staying. It's obvious that his contempt runs so deep that he would call me such things, and that my self-esteem is so low, and my dependency on him is so great, that I allow him to do it.
> 
> We're walking around each other now, not speaking or even looking at each other, and will continue to do so until enough time has passed (a couple of days, maybe?) that we either have another big fight or just grow apathetic enough to resume normal communication like nothing ever happened. And how do I know this? Because we've done it all before.
> 
> He won't apologize. Never has, never will. He sees our fights as just as much my fault as his (perhaps...) and his name-calling as justified (I know it's not).
> 
> I would like to see a therapist, either alone for me to just preserve my sanity, or together with him. I'm actually looking for someone to sit across a table from him and tell him that there are no circumstances on earth that warrant such horrible name-calling to your wife. If I told him that, he would just laugh. But I guess it's obvious that we have some serious issues to work through.
> 
> Or, I have some serious bag-packing to do. Ugh....
> 
> We've been married for 16 years and are financially stable.
> 
> If you've read this far, thanks. Thoughts? Advice? Any guidance would be appreciated.
> 
> Thank you.


Ugh. I have no advice other than to tell you that you're not alone. You should give him an ultimatum: counseling or you walk.

Hang in there...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

trying2survive,

The two of you have these vile arguments every so often and it gets to the point that he's calling you some pretty bad names.

Do you just sit there and he screams this stuff at you? Or are the two of you getting into heated arguments with both of you participating?


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## trying2survive

EleGirl said:


> trying2survive,
> 
> The two of you have these vile arguments every so often and it gets to the point that he's calling you some pretty bad names.
> 
> Do you just sit there and he screams this stuff at you? Or are the two of you getting into heated arguments with both of you participating?


Elegirl, I would say that we are both participating in an argument or heated disagreement. And yes, I can be pretty sarcastic sometimes. But things come to a pretty abrupt end when he starts spitting ugly names in my direction. The hurt I feel is so profound that it literally takes my breath away. I walk away, that pisses him off even more. There's just so much contempt there, and I can't decide if it's because he has no other emotional skill to draw from when we're having an argument, or if he really just hates me. I guess I'm afraid it's the latter....


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## EleGirl

It's most likely that the ugly words are due to him not having the emotional skills to handle the level of anger that is brought out in the argument.

You are part of the problem here because you help to escalate the argument to the point where you know it's going to get very bad.

There is a way to put an end to this. You simply refuse to ever engage in an argument that gets angry, heated and mean.

Have a safe word. I use the word "STOP". When a discussion turns into a heated argument you just tell him "Stop" very firmly. You tell him that you are not going to argue and that you will go away for a while so that both of you can calm yourselves down.

During a time when things are calm between the two of you, tell him that you cannot every again let an argument get to the point where the two of you say hateful thing to each other. You know that neither of you really means those things. but once they are said, they cannot be taken back and the damage is done.

So from now on you are using the "STOP" safe word. And you will go cool off. He is responsible for calming himself down.

You have complete control over this. It works.


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## accept1

Have to agree with the previous poster. I would like to ask you are your arguments really about substantial you already seem to have forgotten what they were about.
Do you both argue just for the sake of arguing. If that is the case I can well see why your husband is so angry about it. I am sure your H hates your 'sarcasm' as much as you hate his name calling. I just cant understand why youre not so good as name calling as he is. Since you seem to be better at everything else. 

Well of course he does it deliberately to hurt you. Why else.

You expect to find someone to sit across a table to him and tell him he is wrong. However wrong he may be I am afraid such people to tell him dont exist. 
That is not the way counsellors work. I am sure youre both to blame for your fights. Although you dont tell us who start them or give us an example of them. 
It seems that is the only way he can stop them and it seems to work.


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## Confusedhubby2013

I can relate. In my marriage I am the articulate one. When my wife and I argue and I'm in no mood to back down I can and have backed her into a verbal corner where she will lash out with a "I hate you". That ends the argument pretty quickly, no she doesn't apologize unless I make her and even so I don't particularly care. I know it was a fight or flight instinct. 

But it's very rare. I can count on 1 hand how many times that's happened in 12 years. On the flip side when she starts nagging about something and won't relent I'll drop a F bomb on her to let her know that's enough, stop. 

Not nice language but neither of us take it seriously nor do we ever use it around the little one.


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## Uptown

T2S, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with EleGirl that you're describing a man who likely loves you but lacks emotional skills. Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrus, strong verbal abuse, black-white thinking, never admiting an error, and inability to do self soothing -- are some of the symptoms of having a stunted emotional development. Yet, if that is true, you also should be seeing most of the following behaviors:


1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents him from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in his expecting you to “be there” for him on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
12. Complaining that all his previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground him, giving him a sense of direction because his goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person he is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence.


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## ASummersDay

That kind of name calling is better known as "verbal abuse." He calls you those names because he has little self-control and wants to hurt you. There are ways of communicating during a disagreement without attacking the other person. He will continue to verbally abuse you as long as you let him. 

I would recommend setting some boundaries for him. For example, "When we argue, there will be no name-calling. It is abusive and I won't put up with it. If you ever call me a c**t or b***h again, I will immediately leave the house and the discussion will be over." Then, follow through on that. If it still doesn't change, obviously you need to dump him because he has no respect for you or your boundaries.


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## zookeeper

trying2survive said:


> Does it even matter at that point what we were arguing about? If things get so bad that he does that, is there even any point?


Of course the events leading up to it matter. Sentiments like these make me wonder if you are provoking him purposely. Pushing him to utter these "unthinkable" words so that you can nullify anything he has said before.

I just don't get this idea that these words are so unbelieveably objectionable to any woman. They have no real significance on their own, they only take on meaning by the context in which they were used. The sentiments are there whether he called you a c&*# or an angel. 

My wife has said the most hurtful things I could ever imagine to me when she is in her dark place. Not one profane word was among them, but the meaning was received loud and clear. Actually, I wish she had just called me a few bad names, it would have hurt a lot less. Instead, she carefully crafted her words to have the most devastating impact, a surgical strike if you will. She suffers from a myriad of emotional issues and will not only refuse to apologize afterward, she claims to have no memory of saying them. We are working on these issues in therapy. As you should be.

So, do you care to share the details of this argument?



trying2survive said:


> I would like to see a therapist, either alone for me to just preserve my sanity, or together with him. I'm actually looking for someone to sit across a table from him and tell him that there are no circumstances on earth that warrant such horrible name-calling to your wife.


If this is what you expect, you will be sorely dissappointed. A decent therapist will listen to both of you and find fault on both sides. Are you ready for that? What will you do if he/she points out your culpability?

My wife and I went to 2 marriage counselors at her urging. She was convinced (like you) that the MC would tell me how I was wrong and needed to change. Oddly enough, in both cases the spotlight was turned on her. She found excuses to discontinue therapy pretty quickly afterward. We are now working with a third counselor and I have told her that running away will not be tolerated this time. We both have blame for the problems in our relationship and we both need to accept our responsibility and work to improve. Just like very single couple on the face of the earth. 

When you dismiss your role by suggesting that your "sarcasm" is somehow insignificant because he calls you a b*&$#, you are minimizing your responsibility in the broken dynamic. If you want to continue in this fashion, you might as well pack that bag.


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## zookeeper

MrsDavey said:


> That kind of name calling is better known as "verbal abuse." He calls you those names because he has little self-control and wants to hurt you. *There are ways of communicating during a disagreement without attacking the other person.* He will continue to verbally abuse you as long as you let him.
> 
> I would recommend setting some boundaries for him. For example, "When we argue, there will be no name-calling. It is abusive and I won't put up with it. If you ever call me a c**t or b***h again, I will immediately leave the house and the discussion will be over." Then, follow through on that. If it still doesn't change, obviously you need to dump him because he has no respect for you or your boundaries.


Very true, but profanity is far from the only way to attack someone verbally. Without more details on her "sarcasm" leading up to this we really have no idea how this crescendo was reached. 

I absolutely never use such language when arguing with my wife, but she has said things to me that cut far worse than any string of expletives ever could. If she is guilty of this, I would understand why the husband would drop a c-bomb to stop the onslaught.


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## ASummersDay

trying2survive said:


> I'm actually looking for someone to sit across a table from him and tell him that there are no circumstances on earth that warrant such horrible name-calling to your wife. If I told him that, he would just laugh.


In my opinion, this is where the problem lies. As his wife, you actually have much more influence over his life than a stranger. What I gather from your post is that you let him get away with this abuse, and that is why he doesn't take you seriously. 

Most of the time, when a person repeats the same behavior, it is because they are getting some kind of reward out of it. Do you respond in ways that may inadvertently reward his behavior? For example, let's assume that his goal is to hurt you. Do you show that you are hurt by his name-calling? If you do, he has achieved what he wanted. I would recommend examining what you normally do, and looking for ways to shut him down. Take away the reward. Then go a step further and impose some kind of tangible consequence that will discourage the behavior.

Keep in mind, if he ever raises a hand to you or your children, everything I've said goes out the window. Get away as soon as you can safely do so.


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## ASummersDay

Zookeeper, for me this has little to do with expletives. It has to do with statements made with the intention to hurt another person. It just so happens that, in this case, those words are what the OP's husband uses to hurt her. I would also class the cutting statements your wife made as abuse. Am I saying she is an abusive person, not necessarily. But what she said was abusive and unhealthy.


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## trying2survive

I do see that some of my previous comments make me seem like I claim little responsibility for our conflict, when in reality, I absolutely do. I think we both might greatly benefit from counseling, if I can get him to even go. Counseling, among many things, forces people to look at themselves the way their partner sees them. I've been the "relationship counselor" in our marriage for years. I actually have told my husband on many calm occasions that the name-calling is a deal-breaker...I won't stand for it. BUT, the reality is that I do - I'm still here and he still calls me names. I've tried to draw that line in the sand and he crosses it every time. Our fights are not productive, they don't solve anything, they don't move us forward in any way, they don't foster any kind of understanding between the two of us. They just tear us down more.


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## zookeeper

MrsDavey said:


> Zookeeper, for me this has little to do with expletives. It has to do with statements made with the intention to hurt another person. It just so happens that, in this case, those words are what the OP's husband uses to hurt her. I would also class the cutting statements your wife made as abuse. Am I saying she is an abusive person, not necessarily. But what she said was abusive and unhealthy.


I'm not so sure that his intention is to hurt, it may simply be to stop the argument and he lacks the skills or confidence to simply say "enough."

I have no idea what the OP said leading up to the profanity, maybe it was not significant but she does say she is "sarcastic" although who knows what that means? Her statement about nothing leading up to the bad words mattering is a total fallacy. I have no doubt that she at least has some role in the argument getting to that point. 

In the case of my wife, I don't believe she was out to hurt me as much as she was desperate to stop the probing. I had to recognize my role in the disfunction before it could improve. My wife closes off when she is upset and it drives me crazy. She is clearly displeased, sad, angry, whatever and refuses to talk about it until it explodes over a seemingly insignificant thing. My role, is that I struggle with this and push her to talk. I'm not the kind of person that wants to sleep on it and talk in the monring. I want to hash it our right then and there.

This triggers my wife. She closes up even more and I increase the probing. At some point her anxiety goes through the roof and she says what she must to get me to disengage so she can escape. I didn't understand that my badgering her was escalating the problem, but now I see it. I give her more space. In return , she feels safer confiding in me because I will drop it if it gets too intense for her. 

Is it abusive? Yes, but I don't believe that is her intent. Since I now understand why I need to push her, I am able to control it better and we have not had such a situation arise since. I have no need to keep score, I just want to be happy with my wife the way we once were. We are getting closer, I think.

So, I don't see myself to blame for her hurtful statements, but I do see how I contribute to getting there and no longer do so. I suspect that the OP could do with some self-reflection to see what her role is in the disfunction. Stubborness is never a good ingredient in a successful marriage and when the one we love is hurting we should take reasonable efforts not to exacerbate the situation. Either that or split up. To want counseling so that the therapist will enforce your will on your partner is much worse than futile.


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## ASummersDay

trying2survive, I would recommend that you find a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. Perhaps if you see one face to face, you will be more inclined to apply some of the techniques. You cannot change your husband's actions. He is the only one who can do that. 

You only have the power to change your actions and reactions. If the current pattern of interaction isn't working for you two, you need to explore ways of interrupting and changing that pattern. A therapist may be able to help you with this.

Or, perhaps his behavior is too deeply engrained, and no boundaries you set will be effective. The only way to know is to try something different and see how it goes.


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## zookeeper

trying2survive said:


> I do see that some of my previous comments make me seem like I claim little responsibility for our conflict, when in reality, I absolutely do. I think we both might greatly benefit from counseling, if I can get him to even go. Counseling, among many things, forces people to look at themselves the way their partner sees them. *I've been the "relationship counselor" in our marriage for years*. I actually have told my husband on many calm occasions that the name-calling is a deal-breaker...I won't stand for it. BUT, the reality is that I do - I'm still here and he still calls me names. I've tried to draw that line in the sand and he crosses it every time. Our fights are not productive, they don't solve anything, they don't move us forward in any way, they don't foster any kind of understanding between the two of us. They just tear us down more.


You can't do this. It is counter productive. 

Once again, I don't see why particualr words are the trigger for you (or anyone for that matter.) Would it be better if he said, "Marrying you was the worst thing I ever did," or "You ruined my life and I wish I never met you"? No profanities there but I would much rather be called any name you can imagine than hear things like that. I've actually heard much worse and there's no ambiguity. Still hurts to this day if I actually think about it.

Rather than make name-calling a deal breaker, how about setting a counseling boundary? Tell him that MC is important to you and you won't remain in a marriage with someone who won't work with you to improve the relationship. Of course, you have to be ready to enforce that boundary and I donlt know if you are.


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## ASummersDay

Zookeeper, I cannot disagree with anything you have said. The reason I worded the post the way I did is because the OP asked for suggestions on how to stop a specific behavior of her husband's. So, I focused on applying methods that may cause her husband to stop. If she had posted that she deliberately incenses her husband to the point that he calls her names, I would have focused on that.

My assumption that her husband intends to hurt her when he calls her "b***h" or "c**t" may be incorrect, perhaps he is just trying to end the discussion. Either way, my advice would be the same. I believe the OP should break the pattern of interaction that is currently happening. Ideally, it is best to intervene BEFORE the behavior occurs. For example, to say early on, "I can see that this argument is going nowhere, so why don't we take a few minutes to cool off, then revisit the subject another time." By doing this, he would not have a chance to start name-calling. However, if he is quick to resort to name-calling with little notice, it would be best to simply end the conversation as soon as it happens.


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## zookeeper

MrsDavey said:


> Zookeeper, I cannot disagree with anything you have said. The reason I worded the post the way I did is because the OP asked for suggestions on how to stop a specific behavior of her husband's. So, I focused on applying methods that may cause her husband to stop. If she had posted that she deliberately incenses her husband to the point that he calls her names, I would have focused on that.
> 
> My assumption that her husband intends to hurt her when he calls her "b***h" or "c**t" may be incorrect, perhaps he is just trying to end the discussion. Either way, my advice would be the same. I believe the OP should break the pattern of interaction that is currently happening. Ideally, it is best to intervene BEFORE the behavior occurs. For example, to say early on, "I can see that this argument is going nowhere, so why don't we take a few minutes to cool off, then revisit the subject another time." By doing this, he would not have a chance to start name-calling. However, if he is quick to resort to name-calling with little notice, it would be best to simply end the conversation as soon as it happens.


Nothing you've said is wrong, I think we just have different perspectives. In at least some way, I have been in the OP's shoes before. Of course she wants to stop the namecalling because that requires him to change and her to get the benefit she seeks. There are underlying reasons for their dynamic and they both need to adjust to improve things in a meaningful way. I spent a long time denying my role in things because I believed that she was wrong and needed to change or stop what she was doing. That got me nowhere. It was like trying to stop the rain from coming down. Only when I accpeted that it would be more productive to actually open an umbrella did I stay dry. Oddly enough, the rain eventually stopped and the skies began to clear. 

I have been guilty of stubborness and self-righteousness. I accept it and work to improve. One day at a time, I am making progress. Regardless of the outcome of my marriage, it is the right path for me and I will contimue to walk it.


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## ASummersDay

There is no "one magic answer" when it comes to communication in relationships. Interaction is very complex and nuanced. There is a chance, of course, that nothing I have recommended will work for the OP. I am only attempting to provide evidence-based methods that she may try to apply if she chooses.

I sincerely commend you for taking steps toward improving yourself and your marriage. It takes a lot of self-reflection, insight, and honesty to accomplish that. Thank you for sharing your situation, as it reminds me there are often multiple solutions to a single problem, and many perspectives outside of my own.


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## confusedinsc

trying2survive said:


> Hello.
> 
> My husband and I had a fight, a short one, but it escalated to the point where he called me a c--t, and a b-tch. Yep. Ugly. Does it even matter at that point what we were arguing about? If things get so bad that he does that, is there even any point?
> 
> It's certainly not the first time, and I know he does it to deliberately hurt me. He has little to no control over his temper, but has never raised a hand to me or our teenage son.
> 
> I'm new here, but am at my wit's end. I'm actually wondering if this marriage should be saved, or if I'm a fool for staying. It's obvious that his contempt runs so deep that he would call me such things, and that my self-esteem is so low, and my dependency on him is so great, that I allow him to do it.
> 
> We're walking around each other now, not speaking or even looking at each other, and will continue to do so until enough time has passed (a couple of days, maybe?) that we either have another big fight or just grow apathetic enough to resume normal communication like nothing ever happened. And how do I know this? Because we've done it all before.
> 
> He won't apologize. Never has, never will. He sees our fights as just as much my fault as his (perhaps...) and his name-calling as justified (I know it's not).
> 
> I would like to see a therapist, either alone for me to just preserve my sanity, or together with him. I'm actually looking for someone to sit across a table from him and tell him that there are no circumstances on earth that warrant such horrible name-calling to your wife. If I told him that, he would just laugh. But I guess it's obvious that we have some serious issues to work through.
> 
> Or, I have some serious bag-packing to do. Ugh....
> 
> We've been married for 16 years and are financially stable.
> 
> If you've read this far, thanks. Thoughts? Advice? Any guidance would be appreciated.
> 
> Thank you.


I could have totally written this post 15 years ago. Fast forward and it's only gotten uglier. Never gets better. Only worse. No respect and it's his way of belittling you to make him feel better.


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## confusedinsc

Uptown said:


> T2S, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with EleGirl that you're describing a man who likely loves you but lacks emotional skills. Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrus, strong verbal abuse, black-white thinking, never admiting an error, and inability to do self soothing -- are some of the symptoms of having a stunted emotional development. Yet, if that is true, you also should be seeing most of the following behaviors:
> 
> 
> 1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
> 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
> 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
> 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents him from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
> 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
> 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
> 7. Low self esteem;
> 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
> 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in his expecting you to “be there” for him on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
> 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
> 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
> 12. Complaining that all his previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well;
> 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
> 14. Relying on you to center and ground him, giving him a sense of direction because his goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
> 15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing;
> 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
> 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person he is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
> 18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence.


Uptown that just totally described my spouse to a t. Every single word.


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## Uptown

confusedinsc said:


> Uptown that just totally described my spouse to a t. Every single word.


Confused, to avoid hijacking T2S's thread, I just responded to you in your thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...-husband-during-seperation-2.html#post4902634.


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## MrK

Save money on the therapist until you know it will be worth while. If he doesn't think he has a problem, he won't take it seriously.

So how do you do this?



trying2survive said:


> If I told him that, he would just laugh.


So tell him you don't like his disrespect and abuse. When he responds that way, you tell him:

"I was hoping you would take this seriously, because I'm not going to live like this any longer. When you think you might want to take these issues seriously, let me know".

Then you hand him a printed copy of that original post while you walk out the door. Tell him you will get in touch with him when you decide what you want to do. Right now you are leaning towards divorce. You are NOT going to live this way any longer.

Then go dark. He will FREAK OUT! That will get his attention. First communication afterwards will be full of "I don't think I can trust you any longer", and "I'm afraid your behavior has pushed me away and I don't know if I can love you again".

As a former abuser who has lived this scenario, I know it will work. Trust me. Unfortunately it was too late for my wife and my marriage. It may be for you as well. But it fixed me. Immediately and permanently.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Your h's actions would make me pack my bags and file for divorce.

I had an abusive ex h and I will never live like that again.


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## MrK

No more telling. Time to "do". He knows what he does. He knows you don't like it. He hasn't changed though, huh? No negative consequences to his behavior and he will continue. Kick him in the gut with a negative consequence. A BIG SCARY ONE.

PS: Therapy is a huge waste of time and money. My advice is free.

You're welcome.


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## Natalie789

I'm currently in one of these relationships, actually probably in the process of ending it. I was called ****, b-tch, wh0re, slvt, and just about every name you can think of.

The thing about it is you become desensitized. After a while, I hardly noticed I was being called those names. They failed to shock me.

Don't ever become like that.


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## Emerald

trying2survive said:


> Hello.
> 
> My husband and I had a fight, a short one, but it escalated to the point where he called me a c--t, and a b-tch. Yep. Ugly. Does it even matter at that point what we were arguing about? If things get so bad that he does that, is there even any point?
> 
> It's certainly not the first time, and I know he does it to deliberately hurt me. He has little to no control over his temper, but has never raised a hand to me or our teenage son.
> 
> I'm new here, but am at my wit's end. I'm actually wondering if this marriage should be saved, or if I'm a fool for staying. It's obvious that his contempt runs so deep that he would call me such things, and that my self-esteem is so low, and my dependency on him is so great, that I allow him to do it.
> 
> We're walking around each other now, not speaking or even looking at each other, and will continue to do so until enough time has passed (a couple of days, maybe?) that we either have another big fight or just grow apathetic enough to resume normal communication like nothing ever happened. And how do I know this? Because we've done it all before.
> 
> He won't apologize. Never has, never will. He sees our fights as just as much my fault as his (perhaps...) and his name-calling as justified (I know it's not).
> 
> I would like to see a therapist, either alone for me to just preserve my sanity, or together with him. I'm actually looking for someone to sit across a table from him and tell him that there are no circumstances on earth that warrant such horrible name-calling to your wife. If I told him that, he would just laugh. But I guess it's obvious that we have some serious issues to work through.
> 
> Or, I have some serious bag-packing to do. Ugh....
> 
> We've been married for 16 years and are financially stable.
> 
> If you've read this far, thanks. Thoughts? Advice? Any guidance would be appreciated.
> 
> Thank you.


Partner verbal abuse.

No excuses.

Does he call other people those words? His friends, family, co-workers, strangers to their faces?

It matters not that he doesn't know how to fight fair, wants to end fights, has a bad temper, was raised in a dysfunctional family, blah, blah, blah.

He refusal to even apologize means he is in complete control of his actions. He wants to hurt you & has found a way to do that.

I think counseling would benefit you.


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