# adultery during separation



## hello_darlin88 (Sep 23, 2013)

Hello all,
I would like to preface this by saying that I am also seeking professional help regularly. Just would like some additional feedback. 
My wife and I separated, seemingly, out of nowhere. We have been married for 3 years and have a (at the time) just turned 1 year old son. Wife came to me, says that she has never been in love with me. Claims that she married me because I am a good guy, but there were no additional feelings. We have had issues with intimacy since day one. She would always blame it on her childhood (abusive father), or on her feelings, but now claims that it was due to there being no attraction. This all surfaced after a weekend at the beach where she admitted this to a friend. She later got drunk and let someone kiss her on the beach. Now, she has admitted to sleeping with another man (multiple times). At first she wanted nothing to do with reconciling. It was like pulling teeth getting her to a counselor. Now, she says that she will go to counseling, but it must be her counselor. She finds a way to be defensive about the affair and everything else that has happened. She claims that I drove her to this after she left. Truth is, I begged her to come back for our son for the first several weeks. I know I didnt handle everything perfectly, but I also know that this was not my fault. I keep telling her that SHE is making these choices. Anyways, she is definitely not working hard/at all on our marriage. I dont know what I want anymore. Fairly certain that it is going to end with divorce, and also fairly certain that is what I want. My concern is for our son. I believe that she will regret what she is doing in time, but just curious as to how others have handled similar situations and how they turned out. I have inferred from conversations this weekend that she is staying with another man at the beach while she works out some family problems. Honestly, I want to cut her off my insurance, take my son, file for divorce, and try to get full custody. I don't trust her and I don't want him around this mess. Sorry for the length.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

"I love you but I'm not _in_ love with you - and maybe never was/haven't been for a long time," is a fairly standard line used by people who are cheating on their partner. My guess? She was already cheating when she told you she had never been attracted to you and asked for the separation. The guy she's shagging now didn't materialize during the separation. He was the cause of the separation.

There may be nothing here to save, and you may not even want to R with her in any case. But you cannot R with an actively cheating spouse, so the affair will have to end before MC will do anything other than waste your time and money. In order to even attempt to R with your cheating wife, you're going to need to get the truth. She's not going to give you the truth, even if she tells you a part of it at some point. Cheaters lie. So, you can (covertly, certainly don't tell her you're doing it) snoop on her computer or phone and/or put a VAR in her car to record her conversations, if you have access to those things. It's the surest way to find out what's really going on. You can also tell your wife that in order to R, you'll need her to take and pass a polygraph test regarding her involvement with "new" guy and potentially any other men during your marriage. Her reaction to that should be pretty telling.

Of course, since your wife is an unrepentant cheater who doesn't seem interested in R, you are also free to simply file for divorce and primary custody. A conversation with an attorney is the place to start on figuring out what your options are.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

She was cheating before the separation.

I would recommend filing for divorce, she sounds like a train wreck. But full custody is hard to get unless your soon-to-be-ex is truly a danger to the child.

Concentrate on being the best Dad you can be. I hope you are able to get 50-50 custody. 


How old is your son? Who is he staying with? Are you both wage earners?

You are in a tough spot, my sympathies and the very best to you and your boy.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Don't cut her off from your insurance until you consult an attorney.

Consult and attorney and file for divorce.

Who cares what she will or will not regret. That's not your concern anymore.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She withheld sex from you but couldn't wait to give it to some other guy? I understand you have a son, but what would you want with this woman? She's a complete and total waste of DNA and there's not much you can do about that. She's going to associate with whomever she wishes and she will expose your son to whomever she happens to be boffing on any particular day. No court is going to interfere with her right to associate or her right to have access to her child. On the up-side, she is married to you but she is apparently in love or in heat with some other guy. She has more reason to want out of the marriage than you. Draw up a property/custody arrangement that is ridiculously in your favor, have an attorney check it over and keep it handy. When she's desperate to leave you for whatzisname, whip it out and get her signature on it. Put this heartless heifer in your rear-view mirror and make wiser choices next time. She married you because you were a "good guy" means she wasn't into you but you looked like someone she could exploit financially. Hooking up with you was better than paying bills alone. I have been exactly where you are and I did exactly as I suggested. I ended up with full custody of my kid with her required to pay child support (which she never did). At least I got my kid almost entirely away from the influence of an evil bat. Of course, she will regret what she's doing! Right about the same time Mr. Wonderful figures out she's an evil bat and dumps her. She'll come crawling back but don't fall for it. She don't dig you, never has dug you, never will dig you. If she comes back, it's because you're better than nothing and she'll just continue shoving you away while she looks for a better deal. That is what users do. If you can't be number 1 with a woman, be number zero.


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## hello_darlin88 (Sep 23, 2013)

We were good to go with 50/50 but I am definitely going to explore my options. She has no stable job. She was living with her parents until her step-father did something while drunk (have no clue what, exactly) and will now be staying with her grandparents/friends. No real stability. Dont want to be cruel, but want to make a move while I have the better case. Finding out about the affair was like pulling teeth. She was trying to get out of it by arguing semantics (been with another man? what do you mean?). So yeah, no trust there.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Typical cheater behavior across the board. She is following the typical cheater's script.

She has someone else, perhaps that was the issue with the step father, she did not like what he said. Without the details I am only guessing. 

In in the fog of the A very deep, more than likely still going on.

Lawyer up, learn all you can online about your state's divorce laws, etc.

Just realize that the drama is not over and she may come running back.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

hello_darlin88 said:


> I want to cut her off my insurance, take my son, file for divorce, and try to get full custody.


And that's exactly what you should do - after you consult with your attorney. She's made the choice for you.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

hello_darlin88 said:


> We were good to go with 50/50 but I am definitely going to explore my options. She has no stable job. She was living with her parents until her step-father did something while drunk (have no clue what, exactly) and will now be staying with her grandparents/friends. No real stability. Dont want to be cruel, but want to make a move while I have the better case. Finding out about the affair was like pulling teeth. She was trying to get out of it by arguing semantics (been with another man? what do you mean?). So yeah, no trust there.


Based on her history, you need to find out what her stepfather did. I'm NEVER a fan of removing someone's custody of their children (father or mother) but if a parent is putting the children in harm's way, it needs to be dealt with. Is the Step Father a danger to the kids?

Also I didn't catch this either way, but have you looked at a DNA test.


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## hello_darlin88 (Sep 23, 2013)

havent had a DNA test. fairly certain that he is mine though. the step father does not have a history of abuse. just substance abuse. that is my number one concern. If he has changed, I dont want my son around that.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Would do the DNA anyway. Sorry

SAVE YOUR PROOF offsite and in two different places.

Ages? How long did you date her before marriage? Hot sex during courtship?
Generically where are you? IE country or state. If its one of the smallest US states say something like "Corn Belt" CA is a different case from NC for example.

Sorry you are here.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Kids or no kids, a depiction of a fool is staying married to a gal like that. If you're even thinking about reconciliation, see a shrink first. The only thing worse is contemplating suicide.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

Do you think she would be living with the parents, and thus be subject to the drunken step-father? (or in your son's case, step grandpa?)

People have to be raging alcoholics for something like this to register with family courts, and the child would have to live with them for it to make a difference to a judge. If your ex lives in an apartment and choose to visit step grandpa on her days off, there might not be much you can do about it.

I am just trying to prepare you for the reality of family court. Concentrate on documenting your parenting time. Who gets him ready for school? Takes him to the doctor, to the dentist, to soccer? Who goes to PTO meetings, meets with teachers, takes him to church and sunday school? That sort of thing. Keep a journal.

And get yourself a Dad friendly lawyer. Do not settle.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

hello_darlin88 said:


> ... *Wife* came to me, says that she has *never been in love with me*. Claims that she *married me because I am a good guy*, but there were *no additional feelings*....*no attraction*.....She later got drunk and* let someone kiss her on the beach*. Now, she has *admitted to sleeping with another man (multiple times)*. ...*defensive about the affair* ...*claims that I drove her to this* after she left. ....she is *staying with another man* at the beach ...





hello_darlin88 said:


> ... *Dont want to be cruel*, but want to make a move while I have the better case. ....


You're worried about being cruel?

She says she never loved you, only married you because you're a good guy, fools around with one OM, has been sleeping with another OM, blames you for everything, has no remorse....

...but you don't want to be cruel?

I wouldn't worry about being cruel. She could write a book on how to be cruel, and regardless of what you do, she will claim you're cruel anyways.

You do what is right for you and your child. Talk to a lawyer, 180 hard, and proceed with no-contact, except for dealing with the child.

I'm sorry you're here.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

You need to file and move on ASAP.

Let the reality of life without you smack her full on in the face.

Let's see if any of her new, exciting 'soulmates' is gonna step up and take her on after she becomes a free woman.

My bet is they'll run for he hills as she is just a piece of a** to these guys and they want no part of the responsibility of a woman with a dependent child.

At that point she will probably come back asking for another chance.

Be strong and tell her to go pound sand.

Move on and find someone much better for your life.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> OP,
> 
> You need to file and move on ASAP.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Sorry you are here. Your story is a very typical one.

Don't beat yourself up over this. She is a cheater, and she chose to do so.

Learn from it, and find a better woman for your next wife.


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