# Am I the problem or is my husband being unreasonable



## Kcden (Aug 22, 2021)

My husband and I have been married a year, but been together 7. Most of the time we work great together but in my opinion he over react about small things and does not fight fair, he can get quite explosive at times. I believe this stems back to him growing up in a dysfunctional family and have always been calm, stern, and patient in all our fights. My method had always been to let him throw his fit, ask ‘are you done yet’. And then calmly go on to discuss whatever his issue was. He’s made amazing progress and has grown so much and became so self aware of why he reacts certain ways and how to fix it, but I’ve always had to put my feelings on the back burner. A few months back our landlord died and we had to move as they were selling the house. At the same time my grandmother passed away and we had the opportunity to move into her beautiful historical townhouse in a 7million dollar neighborhood that’s been in my family for four generations, paying the same rent we were at our old apartment to my dad and his siblings. The only issue is the apartment we were moving into (there’s three different units in the town house) had to be gut renovated. I told him we didn’t have to move into it but HE wanted to. My husband is also very handy and works in interior design and wanted to do a lot of the work himself to save money. I warned him it was a big job but he insisted. 

fast forward six months, he’s been working on the house but it’s not done, my uncle hired an awful electrician who left outlets hanging out of the walls and never came back, the plumber can’t come back until the bathroom subfloor is fixed but no one is calling a contractor to come in to fix it, and it’s time for us to move in because our house sold. We have no kitchen no bathroom, only one small bedroom is livable and at this time I find out I’m pregnant.

I can see my husband is frustrated that the house isn’t done so I don’t complain a bit, even though I’m miserable. The only bathroom we have to use is in my uncles unit, two floors down, we’re crammed in a 8x10 nursery with 2 dogs and I’m throwing Up in a bucket all day. Still I thank him everyday for all his hard work, and tell him how beautifully everything is coming.

With my pregnancy a lot of things that were my responsibility at the old house make me incredibly sick now, like picking up after the dogs, cleaning out the fridge and cooking any kind of meat. I could see how he was getting frustrated that I couldn’t do certain things anymore and I apologized telling him it was frustrating for me too not being able to do my normal tasks with out getting sick. He said it was fine and he’d rather take on that so that I could still help in other ways. I had a good two weeks where I was miserably sick but still tried to do what I could. I called over 60 contractors trying to get one that could come ASAP to do the subfloor, ordered any materials he needed managed the books and receipts, etc. but still my husband was getting frustrated and started picking apart everything I did, and Made snarky comments about how he does everything and I have it so easy, and he just needs to redo everything I do cause I do it wrong. I bit my tongue mainly because I didn’t have the energy to fight but my patience where wading from being picked apart constantly

Two weeks ago I started bleeding at 11 weeks, I went to the doctors once she opened and luckily the baby was fine but I had a massive subchorionic hematoma and was put on modified bed rest.

My husband did not react well to this. He accused me of faking sick to get out of helping him, he told me I’m ‘evil’ ever since I became pregnant and a slew of other things about how I’m lazy he does everything and I’m ungrateful. I asked him how I could be ungreatful when I literally thank him for everything. He told me I treat him like a slave and he’s working for me. I ask how I treat him like a slave when I don’t ask him to do anything (anything he does for the house is his own idea I give him free range to do what he wants and give my input when asked). He said that doesn’t matter and a slew of other mean things putting me down. I flipped out told him that he talks to me like I’m a piece of **** and I can’t take it any more. I left and stayed at my moms for the night. The next day he half apologized and his behavior changed (which is all that matters to me, I don’t need apologies as long as behavior changes) but now two weeks later it’s starting up again. 

Being on bed rest I can only do so much and he’s claiming he’s the only one who cares about finishing the house and that I’m selfish, I told him my number one priority is the baby and that I’m doing what I can, and a lot of what I shouldn’t be doing (like lifting boxes, taking heavy trash out and climbing ladders to hold crown molding in place for him) but I can only do so much. I said I know he was frustrated, the situation isn’t ideal for me either but talking down to me like that isn’t fair nor helpful. I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending circle and don’t know what to do to fix this situation. I literally am limited as to how I can help I even told him we can find someone else to finish the work, but anything I say is the wrong answer and I get attacked. Help me!!!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Leave for moms whenever it starts. Train him out of it. This kind of thing as you can see can be come a pattern if you allow it. Don’t.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Leave for moms whenever it starts. Train him out of it. This kind of thing as you can see can be come a pattern if you allow it. Don’t.


I would suggest bringing mum over instead. If you start leaving every time, he will know that you always come back and his behaviour will worsen after each day of being a little nicer. Not a good dynamic. It can threaten your marriage too, he will think you shut him down each time he wants to speak because you will simply leave (but then come back). Find other ways to ‘get space’ without physically leaving. Or if you really need to go to your mums, wait a day or two when things are calmer.

I understand how bad it must be though for you to have to have left, I’m not dismissing the situation because it sounds unbearable.

So try calling mum to come over instead. By having your mum there, your mum will get a clearer picture of what’s going on. Good to have a third party observing. If he starts to question or show disapproval, then you have bigger issues. She doesn’t even have to know everything either, just call on her for company. It will lighten your load a bit. Does she know what’s going on?

You have a medically diagnosed condition, which means you are in your rights to keep your health and the health of your baby a priority. Maybe an appointment together where he is given a stern talking to about this might make it clearer that you’re not just lazing around (his view not mine).


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Maybe consider recording him and playing it back for him. If he’s so angry or out of control that he’s going to lose his temper at the thought of his meanness recorded, you might need to consider more drastic measures.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ask yourself are you a better person from the time you have been with him , does he bring out a good side in you or does he bring out a side you don't like , are the bad things you see in him too much too often , living with someone is excepting different things , but put extra strain into it like a home repair job , can bring out the bad side and make it look worse ,
the repair work will not be for ever he might have some bad points you might have some bad points it is how important these points are and the making do with the house for now to have something good after 

i had a friend that lived in a two room with her husband and 4 kids for about 8 years while they bought and stored everything they wanted to go into their new home , now they have a super dream home , others like to have comfort now,

depends on what you can live with , i know people that will not let you see the bathroom because it is under construction with 2 years , i have a guy at work he hopes to get the kitchen done now when he is no his holidays , he said that last year as well 
in france DIY is a huge thing and it is not strange to walk into a house that has work under way with years , many here make do ,


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Why the heck are you installing crown molding when the place isn’t even habitable?

Makes no senses.

Clearly he’s stressed and took on too much of a project. You think it’s bad now just wait until you’ve got a crying newborn at 2 am,


----------



## Kcden (Aug 22, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I would suggest bringing mum over instead. If you start leaving every time, he will know that you always come back and his behaviour will worsen after each day of being a little nicer. Not a good dynamic. It can threaten your marriage too, he will think you shut him down each time he wants to speak because you will simply leave (but then come back). Find other ways to ‘get space’ without physically leaving. Or if you really need to go to your mums, wait a day or two when things are calmer.
> 
> I understand how bad it must be though for you to have to have left, I’m not dismissing the situation because it sounds unbearable.
> 
> ...


I’m actually really against leaving for that reason but he told me to leave this time (first time I ever left in a fight), we’re in such tight quarters with the renovation I told him ‘I understand if I’m in your way and need you need me out of the way to work on something but don’t be nasty’. He does not seem to think he’s being rude or unreasonable. 
he comes to every drs apt with me and talks to the dr. I’m even admitting it sucks I can’t do more I feel like I have no control over my life, but nothing helps.
I get he’s frustrated but he either needs to take on less stress or deal with it better. He does this to himself and whenever I point that out I get accused of not caring. 
he respects my mom a lot and I’ve been thinking of having her talk to him, but just hate bringing additional people into any conflict.


----------



## Kcden (Aug 22, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Maybe consider recording him and playing it back for him. If he’s so angry or out of control that he’s going to lose his temper at the thought of his meanness recorded, you might need to consider more drastic measures.


I’ve considered that but his mom (who he doesn’t have a relationship with) is a complete psyco who records ppl and blackmails them. She’s a diagnosed narcissist (and I don’t use that term lightly I hate when ppl throw it around without a diagnosis) and I feel like recording would just open a whole can of worms from that situation. I have been noting down exactly what he says to bring up in a calm manner though


----------



## Kcden (Aug 22, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> ask yourself are you a better person from the time you have been with him , does he bring out a good side in you or does he bring out a side you don't like , are the bad things you see in him too much too often , living with someone is excepting different things , but put extra strain into it like a home repair job , can bring out the bad side and make it look worse ,
> the repair work will not be for ever he might have some bad points you might have some bad points it is how important these points are and the making do with the house for now to have something good after
> 
> i had a friend that lived in a two room with her husband and 4 kids for about 8 years while they bought and stored everything they wanted to go into their new home , now they have a super dream home , others like to have comfort now,
> ...


We actually rarely fight which is amazing considering we run a business together (doing interior design and house flipping ironically, I think because this is our house he’s loosing his cool). But whenever he’s under high stress he’ll find other little BS things to pick fights about instead of dealing with his real problem head on. Our last fight was legit over three years ago when we needed to press charges against his mom, suddenly I didn’t mop the floor correctly or wash the towels quickly enough. I’ve pointed out he does this and he try’s to be more aware but in the moment it’s like he has blinders on. I’ve always been super patient but with being pregnant I just can’t deal with it rn. He’s used to me being calm and fixing everything and I just can’t be calm all the time. He is a wonderful hard working man, but I legit feel like he’s testing my patients lately.


----------



## Kcden (Aug 22, 2021)

Trident said:


> Why the heck are you installing crown molding when the place isn’t even habitable?
> 
> Makes no senses.
> 
> Clearly he’s stressed and took on too much of a project. You think it’s bad now just wait until you’ve got a crying newborn at 2 am,


I honestly think he’s just looking for something he can control. We live in nyc where all construction was supper postponed bc of covid so now all the plumbers contractors etc are backed up and we’re waiting on them to finish our Bathroom and kitchen. So he puts all his energy into finishing the one room he can control without them, the master br. I keep telling him I’m miserable too but I can’t fix what I can’t control I’ve called almost every contractor in NY trying to get someone in here but he’s acting like it’s my fault that we don’t have a bathroom.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Kcden said:


> We actually rarely fight which is amazing considering we run a business together (doing interior design and house flipping ironically, I think because this is our house he’s loosing his cool). But whenever he’s under high stress he’ll find other little BS things to pick fights about instead of dealing with his real problem head on. Our last fight was legit over three years ago when we needed to press charges against his mom, suddenly I didn’t mop the floor correctly or wash the towels quickly enough. I’ve pointed out he does this and he try’s to be more aware but in the moment it’s like he has blinders on. I’ve always been super patient but with being pregnant I just can’t deal with it rn. He’s used to me being calm and fixing everything and I just can’t be calm all the time. He is a wonderful hard working man, but I legit feel like he’s testing my patients lately.


is it a woman thing or is it just you that you still know what you had a fight over 3 years ago , 
and I thought my FIL was bad he can tell you it rained this day in 19 and 78 , 
looking to make some thing out of little things that are not important ,


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to protect your baby. Tell your selfish, immature husband that you will not allow him to cause a miscarriage. Move in with your mom.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Kcden said:


> I honestly think he’s just looking for something he can control. We live in nyc where all construction was supper postponed bc of covid so now all the plumbers contractors etc are backed up and we’re waiting on them to finish our Bathroom and kitchen. So he puts all his energy into finishing the one room he can control without them


I just bought a place 2 months ago, I'm also in NY- and I've been renovating it and facing the same issues with getting materials. It can be difficult to find stuff but it's out there, even if you have to go to multiple stores or order online and wait a few days. I am also a handy guy- but my definition of handy includes being able to do everything inside a home, including plumbing, electric, ceramic tile, etc. Your husband isn't that handy if he doesn't do his own plumbing and you need contractors for parts of the contract, he definitely took on way too much and both of you are paying the price for it.

Now is not the time to be involved in a whole house renovation if you can't do it yourself. Your husband can't even replace a subfloor? That's basic framing. That much being said, you're in it up to your ears and you have no choice but to see it through, hopefully when it's finished things will revert back to normal but your husband doesn't seem to be the type to deal with stress very well.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

One master bedroom redo shouldn’t take days. Is he redoing the floor? 2 days should get that. Paint the walls? Day at most. Crown molding? Yeah, crown molding in a house with no bathroom is bizarre. Waiting on plumbers, electricians, subfloor, etc? What exactly CAN he do? Crown molding is actually tough and an easy way for an amateur to waste a lot of money. I don’t understand what he’s doing if he can’t do plumbing, subfloor, or electrical.
Residential electrical is incredibly easy to do, especially if the house is gutted as you say. I suppose they have codes and require certifications. So you do the work and pay a small fee to get a licensed person to sign off on it. 

Anyway, it is totally obvious that your husband can’t handle stress well and takes it out on you. Not uncommon, or abnormal, but what you describe us over the top. He needs to get you in a habitable dwelling and you guys need to pay a contractor to actually get the job done. No bathroom and you’re pregnant? That’s just crazy.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Crown molding is actually tough and an easy way for an amateur to waste a lot of money.


^^This. As I said I do most things in a home but crown molding especially inside corners is above my pay grade unless it’s going to be painted so I can cheat with acrylic caulk on the inevitable gaps. How can hubby do crown molding and not much else makes no sense.


----------



## Kcden (Aug 22, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> One master bedroom redo shouldn’t take days. Is he redoing the floor? 2 days should get that. Paint the walls? Day at most. Crown molding? Yeah, crown molding in a house with no bathroom is bizarre. Waiting on plumbers, electricians, subfloor, etc? What exactly CAN he do? Crown molding is actually tough and an easy way for an amateur to waste a lot of money. I don’t understand what he’s doing if he can’t do plumbing, subfloor, or electrical.
> Residential electrical is incredibly easy to do, especially if the house is gutted as you say. I suppose they have codes and require certifications. So you do the work and pay a small fee to get a licensed person to sign off on it.
> 
> Anyway, it is totally obvious that your husband can’t handle stress well and takes it out on you. Not uncommon, or abnormal, but what you describe us over the top. He needs to get you in a habitable dwelling and you guys need to pay a contractor to actually get the job done. No bathroom and you’re pregnant? That’s just crazy.


Yeah he refinished all the wood floors the ceilings needed to be compliantly repaired the original wood moldings and doors needed to sanded and refinished, windows needed to be replaced.As far as the electric our house is a 200 yr old brownstone that had original cloth wire so that all had to be replaced and was beyond his ability, same for the plumbing which needed the stack completely replaced. It was BAD and he has done amazing work but thinks like replacing cloth wire from the turn of the century and a plumbing stack were unknown till the walls were open and needed a professional, especially in a brownstone where we are connected to 30 other houses. 
I understand a lot is out of our control but I can’t fix what I can’t control and sometimes you need to take a step back and regroup. He can’t seem to do that and it’s frustrating


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kcden said:


> Yeah he refinished all the wood floors the ceilings needed to be compliantly repaired the original wood moldings and doors needed to sanded and refinished, windows needed to be replaced.As far as the electric our house is a 200 yr old brownstone that had original cloth wire so that all had to be replaced and was beyond his ability, same for the plumbing which needed the stack completely replaced. It was BAD and he has done amazing work but thinks like replacing cloth wire from the turn of the century and a plumbing stack were unknown till the walls were open and needed a professional, especially in a brownstone where we are connected to 30 other houses.
> I understand a lot is out of our control but I can’t fix what I can’t control and sometimes you need to take a step back and regroup. He can’t seem to do that and it’s frustrating


Yes, that sounds like a nightmare.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

He has trouble prioritizing that's for sure. No kitchen, no bathroom and he's sanding and refinishing crown moldings.

Anyway the bigger issues here have nothing to do with home improvement, it's about his anger management, poor impulse control and the disrespectful way he treats you.

A new subfloor won't change that.


----------



## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

Your husband sounds a bit like mine, but yours definitely sounds more out of control. And you sound much like me. And I am also pregnant with our first baby. I have been pretty level headed and patient with him usually, but it takes a lot of emotional energy and can be very frustrating when it becomes a pattern. I have escaped to my parents a few times and not taken his calls to regroup and breathe when he’s had alarming outbursts or been unreasonably accusatory.

If I were you, I’d move in with mom at this point. You are pregnant and need easy access to a bathroom for one thing. You also need more calm in your life. Your husband is treating you very poorly and needs to know how unacceptable it really is and that his stress is no excuse to harm you.

Some men do not hear words; they only hear actions. Moving out (for a time) will send a message: you require better treatment. And you really, really do. Please set firm boundaries with him.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We knew a guy who claimed he could do anything. Wiring? Yep! Plumbing? Yep! Building work? Yep! Loft conversion? Yep! Adding wood paneling? Yep! 

When he left the home he bought it was in a remarkably good shape. By the time he'd finished 'improving' it, it was a wreck. His extension had to be demolished, his plumbing leaked, the gas system was condemned, the paneling turned out to be illegal as it was not fireproofed and all of his crappy wiring had to be removed as it was a fire hazard.

And the loft conversion was condemned as being illegal.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I have redone master and kid’s bathroom, Laundry room, kitchen and front and rear porch. I did all the wiring, plumbing, sheet rock and window replacement.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Kcden said:


> I honestly think he’s just looking for something he can control. We live in nyc where all construction was supper postponed bc of covid so now all the plumbers contractors etc are backed up and we’re waiting on them to finish our Bathroom and kitchen. So he puts all his energy into finishing the one room he can control without them, the master br. I keep telling him I’m miserable too but I can’t fix what I can’t control I’ve called almost every contractor in NY trying to get someone in here but he’s acting like it’s my fault that we don’t have a bathroom.


been there, done that.
i had an electrician abandon a house i was flipping, and everything ground to a halt for 4 months until i convinced another one to take over the work. On old houses especially, electricians do not want the grief of having to insure some other clown's work. AND modern arc fault circuit breakers simply do not play well with existing old house wiring....so the new guy is on the hook to make it work!

Was his electrical work inspected? If so your husband can push the outlets into the boxes and tidy it up. 

but the subfloor thing...what is stopping your husband from doing that? Just pull up the floor, and repair what is there (you might have to sister some joists, etc), put down new plywood, and be done. You can even tile it yourself if you can not find someone. Stores like Floor and Decor even have marble stone tiles, so you can make it look professional.

House flipping seems like a great idea, especially watching TV shows where they say how easy it is. But those shows have top notch crews that they use and can count on. You have to find those contractors for each small project!


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ABHale said:


> I have redone master and kid’s bathroom, Laundry room, kitchen and front and rear porch. I did all the wiring, plumbing, sheet rock and window replacement.


She is in New York City. i am sure any plumbing, electrical, or structural work needs to be done by a licensed tradesman, or she will not be able to get an occupancy permit when the project is over.
You are lucky if you live in a region where you CAN legally do your own work.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Kcden said:


> Yeah he refinished all the wood floors the ceilings needed to be compliantly repaired the original *wood moldings and doors needed to sanded *and refinished, windows needed to be replaced.


you should NOT sand ANYTHING until you have tested for lead paint. Especially since u are pregnant. The absolute worst thing you can do to lead paint is to sand it, making fine lead dust that contaminates the entire house! 

You can use 3M lead test kits for a first cut at if you have lead paint and where it is. the best way is to hire a certified lead paint inspector, who will use a hand held electronic testing tool to identify each surface that is a problem.

Sometimes it is actually cheaper to remove and replace the wood molding if it is covered in lead paint. but even removing it can cause lead dust as you pry it off. need a hepa vacuum and a p100 respirator, and some proper technique to do it right.
there is a one day Renovate Right program he can take a course in on how to renovate safely.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@Talker67 although that kind of thing isn’t in my wheelhouse or interest. Thanks for sharing your experience on fixing up houses.


----------



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

What are your ages? I was going to ask professions, but you shared that, and that is a HUGE flag IMO. You work together, and in a stressful job, if you want to call it that. I say that because many go broke doing it. He probably relied on your help, and now does not have that. 

I would NOT bring your mom into the equation, that will likely make it all worse. He is acting like a child though, and someone (not you) is going to have to tell him that. I will freely admit that I am not a cool operator when under extreme stress, so I can relate. This is usually about the time to call in "back up" if he has friends. 

If you guys are young, you probably need someone more seasoned and experienced to advise. You may just have to focus on 'function over fashion' on the house right now! He is probably like me and won't want someone else's opinion, but i've been there! One on the ground, one in the oven, and I am renovating a house in 2mo solo. Talking complete central air system, rewire, ceiling fans, flooring, tankless heater, etc, etc. Yes, I eventually called in my backup (family) to get ahead of the 8 ball. 

You are not being unreasonable, but you may need to escape for a bit. He needs absolute clarity and focus. I don't hire tradesmen because I hear all the drama stories, but will say when you look at a job, it can get quite overwhelming for a minute. 

My last ex always wanted to 'help' but was never understanding when I responded with "please leave and take the kids"....because that is the way you accelerate progress. No interruptions.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Walk away.

Neither of you are grown ups yet. Yes, I am [swearword] serious.

He clearly doesn't have the necessary skills/contact for that construction task.
You are clearly in no shape or health to deal with anything at this stage.

You both went "all in" when you didn't have the ability/cards to see it through. And now neither of you are in a position to move forwards.

Baby comes, you are unlikely to be in a good position to help with the house etc.
You're going to need him to help you and baby more, not less, so he's going to have more onhis plate not less.

This will result in a busted ressentfulled relationship AND MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL PERMANENT LIFELONG *DAMAGE* to you both.

Get help from independent outside man with financial experience and no axe to grind. That independent person will be able to outline the requirements to complete the house, and tell you what the baby will require in terms of care, time, sleeplessness.

There is a 100% chance you will have to hand the renovation completely to outsiders and get loan to cover their work, and rent or sell the place. It is your choice to do it now while you're not mentally exhausted soyou can both move on to more useful things, or wait until your separation/divorce that will be coming soon when everyone is utterly destroyed. That is why a third independent person without skin in the game is needed to write out the pro's and con's and help with sane realistic estimates of construction and baby schedules.


Yes, I have walked that path. Both ways.Neither of you had the experiences back then to comprehend the challenge, I feel for you, but often the price of wisdom is losing sometimes.


----------

