# Looking for some help. Please.



## lifted_red_x (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi, new member but I have been reading threads on this site for a few months now. I finally decided to register and post my own thread/story because I am stuck and just need some good advice on how to proceed with my situation.

I met my wife in December of 2009, and we hit it off great right away. We are both 29 years old, never married before and no kids. We spent almost every day together after our first date. I ended up moving into her apartment after only a couple of months and by May we were engaged. By June, married. We didnt tell anyone the day we got married, just went ahead and did it which did not sit well with my family but they seemed to get over it in some time and really wanted and tried to accept her into our family. Her family didnt seem to care at all, but she isnt nearly as close with hers as I am with mine. They also live out of state. It wasnt like me to do something like this so quickly, and to do something like that to my family since I am very close to them still makes me feel bad. I was very attached to her though, and nothing else at the time seemed to matter including family and friends. Although, the day we got married I knew something wasnt right, feeling in my gut that I made a mistake.

To start with some issues....before we got married, or even engaged for that matter, I warned her of some debt that I had which included credit card, mortgage, a truck, and school loans. I wanted to let her know, so she wasnt surprised when we got serious as I dont believe that would be fair. She told me the night after I told her of my situation, that is wasnt a big deal and that we would handle it together. She was sweet about it and I thought sincere, so I felt ok moving forward. That was April 2010, so fast forward to May.....she had the chance to get some 0% credit cards to transfer the balance from my credit cards over so we can pay the debt down quickly. I told her I didnt want her to do this but she insisted and I didnt have much say in it so I let her go ahead with it. Never was my intention to unload my debt on her or anyone else as she now thinks. This was where everything started to go to ****........

We started to have daily fights regarding money, she would constantly put me down telling me how irresponsible I am with money and how she can never trust me around money or any serious decision making that will ever come up regarding us. She demanded that she take full control over all of the finances which I agreed to since she seemed to have a better handle on it. This led to more battles with me, how I now dont contribute anything towards the finance planning, budgeting, etc....
If I went out to the store, and came home with any extra items even if it was $3 over what she planned the cost she would blow up in a rage. I think the worst fight regarding money we had, was an old cell phone bill that I needed to pay off since we were combining our cell accounts together and I had to make good on the old one before I could open a new with ATT. Well, I was renting my condo out at the time I was living with her, and the ATT bills were going to my old mailbox when they should've been routed to her place so I didnt see the bills right away. My mistake I know, being as I should've checked after not seeing them for a while but I was rarely using my personal phone at the time. So, I call the ATT rep and he tells me I have a balance but I was at work and could not deal with sitting on the phone with them and being routed around for 30 until later that night. At this time my wife and I had a joint account set up for paying bills, so after I hung up with ATT I called her at work to let her know that there was going to be a charge coming from the joint account to cover this expense that I owed from a month or so back. She was calm and sweet on the phone, and said that she had a few minutes and that she would just go ahead and call ATT and take care of it using our account and to not worry about doing it when I got home. Well, within 10 minutes of hanging up with her I received a barrage of emails and texts telling me how I am nothing but a failure with bills/finances, and how can I take care of myself if I cant even handle a $200 ATT bill, how can I do my job, etc....and how she doesnt think she can be with me anymore (which was a threat used by her many times when she wanted her way).

Just FYI, I have a good job with a good company and make a decent living. Just so nobody thinks I was a deadbeat husband sticking her with all of the responsibilities. I have a college degree in business which I completed while working full time and planning on going back for a masters degree at some point soon. I am not lazy, I am ambitious and I consider myself successful so far.

I tried to call her immediately after the first few texts regarding this ATT bill, but she wouldnt answer but would only respond by text or nasty email replies. She then replied saying that she didnt want to come home for a month, to which I talked her into coming home that night after a lot of persuading. Even then, she went out to a bar after work and got hammered and once she got back around 9pm or so she got on the phone with me from the time she got off the train to her apartment and screamed at me at full volume on her phone while walking through the streets of Chicago. When she actually got home, she grabbed a bottle of whiskey as she was screaming and swearing at me in her apartment and just wanted to drink herself unconscious. I eventually talked her out of this, but these have been the kind of fights that we have had over the past year. 

Money is what started the original fighting, but these fights also eventually included the subject of my family. I grew up in the Chicago area, this is my home and my family is here. She was born out of the country, and moved to the states when she was 10. She grew up most of her life on the West coast and moved to the Midwest for college a few years ago. She is very smart and very educated, and takes it very seriously. We have similar jobs, and make about the same money. She is very open about hating the Midwest, not only for the weather but the people as well. For that matter, she hates the US all together. 

My family moved about an hour and a half away a few years ago, so for a while when I was single I was going to see them a lot as I am very close to them. I would spend a weekend with them and just relax. They now live in a small town just over the boarder in Wisconsin. I took her with me a few times to their house, and she absolutely hates their town and their house (take note that they have a brand new large beautiful house that they built, not some shack in the woods). She cant stand my younger brother for reasons that dont make sense anymore, and she also cant stand my mother. My mother is a very emotional person, and was very happy to welcome her into the family to which my wife really didnt have much interest in becoming close to them. They are warm, give hugs, say they care about you and love you and the wife wasnt raised this way and it makes her feel uncomfortable. Her family is cold and not close like mine. 

She hasnt been there in going on a year now, and has no plans to go back. I have been there maybe two times to see my family in the last year because even if I go up without her I get into a raging fight with her and a guilt trip. The last time I made mention of going to see my family and that I miss them, she exploded at me saying that I am inconsiderate by saying that since my family lives only an hour and a half away and hers is 2000 miles away and I dont take into effect her feelings since it is easier for me to make contact with them. I am basically punished because I grew up here, and she makes me feel like I should see family on her time as often as she sees hers which is maybe once a year at best. She has never spoken highly of her family, so I dont understand why I was getting this treatment. 

While drunk, she has made comments saying how much easier it would be if she married into another family, how my family is full of just ******* losers, and how my parents are going to be poor and end up on welfare soon (they are going through some financial issues with my fathers business at the moment). My father is a very smart guy, who started his business from the ground up and has hit a rough point in his life while trying to retire. The last thing that he wanted to ever do was ask his kids for help financially, but he has had no choice in the last couple of years and I help him when I can. This is unacceptable to her. She doesnt like me helping out, and if I do she limits when and how much I can give to them. I feel like I cant even talk to them on the phone with her around, since she gets bent out of shape knowing I am speaking with them. I am fed up with this. I closed our joint account, took the cash and opened my own account and now control my own money so I budget what I want to for expenses and family finances.
The "joint" account had both of our names on it, which she was to open a savings account up and an account for student loan payments. My paychecks were routed to the expense account, while hers to the savings account, and both names were supposed to be on the savings account as well. I found out recently that my name was never added to the account, even though i signed all necessary paperwork to make that happen. She just didnt submit. As of now, she hold 100% access to all of our savings, but also the remainder of the debt that she took on back in May.

Also, I knew she was on depression meds when I met her and has been seeing therapists off and on for years, but I didnt think the diagnosis was correct so I asked her to see another therapist a few months ago. She would be sweet with me one minute, then 2 minutes later fly off the handle at me and a war would break out over nothing. She would also go to sleep fine, then wake up and be a completely different person with me, then go to work and come home another person. This happened daily for months and it really drained me. Most of the time she was mad about something, and would say nasty mean things to me which would upset me sometimes to tears. She has just recently seen a new therapist, and they are leaning towards her having borderline personality disorder. She is also suicidal, as I have caught her a couple of times trying to hurt herself in the past few months, most recent was last weekend. This usually happens right after her rage sessions and during or after a fight.

I think the real kicker for me, and what has bothered me the most, is that I just layed down and took all of her verbal and emotional abuse (and small amount of physical) for the first few months of our relationship. There were some inexcusable things said to me and about me and people related to me, and I didnt fight back because I didnt want the conflict. I loved her dearly, and I hated the thought of fighting and saying something to her I knew I would regret out of anger. It wasnt until recently that I started to fight back because I just couldnt take it anymore. I adored her, but she just beat me down emotionally into what I am today. I dont feel like I know who I am anymore. I was never completely happy with myself and self esteem was never high, but I have hit an all time low. I feel like I had a nervous breakdown back in August when I moved her into my condo and I have just been lathargic and emotionally detached ever since.
I have negleted friends and family, to which she has also used that against me saying I have nobody now for support.

I have talked to a couple of lawyers, and both have said to get it over with as it doesnt sound like something that can be saved. She has threatened a few times now to leave, and each time I get upset and stop her from leaving, knowing she wont come back. She now lives in my condo, and I have thrown all of my furniture out so we could bring hers in when we moved back there last August. It is tough, since I would have to furnish my whole place and just start all over. I have been hanging on to her, even though I am not happy but it feels like it is easier to just keep it where it is at right now rather than dealing with her leaving and moving everything out and starting all over again. I dont know why I am so attached anymore. I am really angry at her for what has happened in the past few months, and I dont really feel like I want to reconcile and MC is not an option anymore. My family and friends now cannot stand her as well since they think she is trying to isolate me from them, but she doesnt give a ****. I dont know if I am afraid to be alone or what. I hated the dating world, and wasnt much of a success with women so maybe I just think that hanging on is easier. She is attractive, and will have no issues finding guys, but I feel like I will have a hard time dating again. 

Call me crazy, but one of the things that I worry about is knowing she is with another guy and happy with someone else. I dont know why I think about this or why I should care anymore, but I dont think it is because I would miss her but only because she would be happy and I picture myself sinking back into a dating rut I was in before and being unhappy again because I feel so down on myself.

I do fantasize about being single again, and what it would feel like to not have to answer to anyone anymore and it feels good and makes me feel confident. I feel like I should expect her to leave and not be surprised due to her threats and our issues, but every time she threatens and tries it still feels like I am being punched in the gut and it hurts. Should I just let her leave and deal with it and it will get better in time?? Should I tell her to go?? I have been through breakups before, many, but I dont take them all that well and no other relationship has ever gone to this level of committment or had this amount of issues.

I dont know, I really dont anymore.

What do you all think about this? Does anyone have any advice for me? I could really use some. She has one foot out the door and I am really looking for some advice and maybe some good ways to cope. 

Sorry, I am rambling through this. Really, I could write pages and pages and pages of stuff...this is only the smallest tip of what is going on.

Can anyone pull any thoughts from my ramblings??

Thank you all for reading.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

"Lifted Red X". You have a Jeep I take it?  

I have a lifted yellow Sport. :smthumbup:

As for your wife. She's wacked. Nuts. Crazy. Emotionally abusive and it sounds like she has a drinking problem on top of everything else. You can't save her, you can only save yourself. It's not worth the effort anyway and it will only get worse. You don't have kids, you've invested less than two years in the relationship so get a good lawyer and GET OUT while you still can. You are still young and can rebuild your life. 

That's my advice.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

lifted_red_x said:


> Can anyone pull any thoughts from my ramblings??


Yes, definitely!...Run!

I'm sorry to take the light hearted approach, but I don't see how anyone could survive all of that. WOW! You already knew the answer though. Besides I'm sure your family will be glad to have you back.

Hope things work out for you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds like she is emotionally abusive and maybe has borderline personality disorder. I'm not a doctor (well, I am, I have a phd, but not in anything relevant!!), so this is just an initial thought based on how quickly she goes from loving to hating. 

Marry in haste, repent in leisure. She was on her best behavior to get you and now, once "got," she's assuming you won't go. But you can. You'd better be careful about using birth control so you don't end up sharing a child. She'd have you trapped in her hell for life (not to mention the poor kid), even if you divorced. Really, go before it's tougher. Do the right thing about the debt, get your share of the savings (are you in a communal property state) and get in counseling so you don't make this mistake again. It takes TIME to get to know someone and you were committed to her within a couple of months. Not a good pattern; don't repeat it. Good luck.


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## e.dawne (Mar 7, 2011)

wow red it seems like you have been in a tug of war for a while. first of all- its true what they say-fiancial issues are a main reason for divorce. But i am also under a heavy financial burden (but since me and my "other" have totally seperate accounts on everything, its a little different) so i can understand how you feel. I agree with the rest of the posters-she sounds... a little disturbed. I also hear that you still have some sort of love for her. It comes down to if you want to make it work- and then if SHE wants to make it work. maybe try for a while to see everything from her eyes, her point of view. You are (trying) to pay down what you owe, yes? that should be something you can bargain with- it wont be like this forever. understand she might be feeling scaired and stressed about money and the debt that she suddenly had (not that im excusing her behaviour). I think, if MC is off the table you should sit down with her- without insults, shouting- trying to be overly mature and rational about your questions, responses and choices. I think maybe she needs to understand that your family is a deal breaker-if she doesnt want to go thats her choice but you NEED to go. Her issues with your family are for HER to deal with. Tell her you are there to help her, care for her and love her but you cant DO it for her. Now i think you are at the HUGE problem most of the people here (including me) are at, part of you is scaired to leave the relationship or be on your own. First off you have to clairfy if you still have enough feeling for her to try to make it work, if you do and she does then you can try. If you dont then at least you know and you can start down that road. How do you know what the answer to which road is? thats where your work begins. Feelings arnt easy to deal with or untangle but you can do it. Hope that all helps, somewhat, :smthumbup:


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## lifted_red_x (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks for the replies everyone. Had a horrible fight last night again when she got home, said I did not greet her properly when she walked in the door. On top of that, she got upset that the house was not clean and the dishes not done and said I am lazy and stupid as I dont help out enough around there. When she walked in the door, she had a scowl on her face and said she is tired and seemed very unapproachable so I left her alone for a while which just started another war. She threatened to leave again.

Back when I was living with her at her apartment a year ago, it was only a 10 minute walk to work for me and a hell of a commute for her as she worked in the suburbs. It was over an hour commute which included walking, train, and driving each way so in order to take stress off of her I would get home before her and make sure I had everything in her place cleaned up nicely and organized. She cant seem to function too well unless everything is in its place. I would have the dishes either done or in the dishwasher, clothes in the washer/dryer, vacuumed, dog taken out, food out and ready for dinner, etc....on a recurring basis but it just never seemed like it was good enough. I had to ask her how everything looked when she got home for her to say anything half way nice. I think she just got spoiled and now expects that I do this and everything else for her, and I feel like I have turned into her b!tch over the last year. In some of our fights, she told me that she has never respected me (which I always felt and was obvious) only later to apologize and say she was just mad. I know it was the truth though. 

We are both managers in our jobs, and she has taken that attitude home with her on a number of occasions, bossing me around as if I am her employee. I gave in before, but I cant do that anymore. 

As of the last few months living at my place, she usually gets home before me as my commute time increased. She is usually on the computer in the bedroom relaxing, on blog sites, facebook, or whatever. When I get there, the dog is still in the cage not been walked, nothing has been done in the house as far as cleaning or organization, but when I walk in the door and want to sit on the couch for 5 minutes to catch my breath and decide what I need to get done for the night all hell will break loose and I am the lazy one that doesnt do anything. She hates the dog that we have, even though she wanted him, and never pays much attention to him other than when she wants something to cuddle with. I will keep him in a split.

I am absolutely in agreement on a fair split of the daily duties, but I am taking on more of the load even though she feels like she is herself and voices that to me almost daily. She told me on multiple occasions that she feels she should not have to go to work every day and come home and have to do chores around the house. She handles stress worse than anyone else I have ever known, and the thought of having a couple of kids with her and the stress and life change that will bring scares the hell out of me on how she would handle it. 




Freak - Actually I drive a 2010 4x4 Nissan Xterra with a small lift, 33" tires, and procomp wheels and other little misc. stuff on the way. Just a little fun with my daily driver, I am a huge car/truck guy.
Looking to pick up a mustang sometime soon as a project car as well. The wife hates my hobby with a raging passion so that has all been put on hold for a while.


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## lifted_red_x (Mar 8, 2011)

And I know there are always two sides to the story, but my story is true. I am not by any means perfect, but I would say that I have worked hard to try to keep everything together and now I am just tired.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My story is in my profile and we have a lot of similarities.

This all sounds fixable, but you need to stop fighting with your wife NOW. You need to call a truce. If it gets heated, you need to respectfully stop the conversation.

You NEED to get into MC. You guys won't be able to get past where you are at without it. Communication has broken down, and daily fights are really bad.



> I am absolutely in agreement on a fair split of the daily duties, but I am taking on more of the load even though she feels like she is herself and voices that to me almost daily.


 If you want to save your marriage, stop fighting about this and do the chores. Sacrifice 3hours of your week to make the house clean and everyone will be happier. I'm currently doing a TON more chores than my wife because she is stressed about her job. When things clear up, it will be more even, but that may be months. Also, you will have time to make them more even AFTER you guys are in a better place. For now, show your wife you love her by sacrificing your time.



> Thanks for the replies everyone. Had a horrible fight last night again when she got home, said I did not greet her properly when she walked in the door.


 It drives my INSANE when my wife doesn't give me 10-15 minutes to talk when I walk in. It in very important for some people.

Finally, I would check out the language of love quizes and material. People are irrational about those areas. Watching those closely in my relationship has been VERY important. chances are your wife is acts of service like my wife and keeping up on the dishes is more important than you could ever know.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

lifted_red_x said:


> Tha
> Freak - Actually I drive a 2010 4x4 Nissan Xterra with a small lift, 33" tires, and procomp wheels and other little misc. stuff on the way. Just a little fun with my daily driver, I am a huge car/truck guy.


"X"terra..got it! Fun trucks! Do you wheel with it? I remember seeing a few of them at the offroad park I used to go to. 

On my Wrangler, I got 33x12.5" Goodyear MTRs and a 4.5" lift, skids, discos, Curry upgraded steering suspension and some other stuff I can't recall. 



> Looking to pick up a mustang sometime soon as a project car as well. The wife hates my hobby with a raging passion so that has all been put on hold for a while.


Well, I have owned three 5.0 Mustangs over the years. Two '86 GTs and a '91 with a 351 Windsor (before that the 5.0 had a supercharger on it), Griggs Racing suspension, Baer brakes..the works. I showed and raced it for 10 years. It was described in _Muscle Mustangs and Fast Fords_ as a "Motorsport catalog on 4 wheels". It was the cover car for the '99 Tech issue. 

In 2001 I sold it to buy a Miata which I drove all over on road trips for 5 years and then got the Jeep, which I wheeled for a few years. Now it's the "family car" and I do kayaking instead. With the price of gas it's a LOT cheaper and I have a lot of fun with it. 

So I was a *bit* into cars/trucks.  Yes, it did cause a bit of friction in our marriage, to say the least. My cars are the rationale that my husband uses to act the way he is acting now. 

However, now that I'm separated, my plan is to buy a motorcycle sometime in the future. 

Personally I'd take your Xterra and run your wife's sorry as*s over with it. She sounds like a real head case. She's emotionally abusing and controlling you. You sound like a really nice guy and you have your whole life ahead of you. I'd pack up and get the heck out. You don't have kids so nothing is holding you. You can walk away free and start over. 

So when she walks in the door how do you FEEL? Is your stomach in a knot? Do you hold your breath and dread what might happen next? Do you even WANT to go home? 

If the answers are "yes" and I suspect that they are, it's time to leave. Don't waste your time. Life is too short. Some will say "Do this and do that" but as someone who invested over 20 years in a failed marriage and knows how fast life can pass you by my advice is to cut your losses and get the heck out. 

I'm no idealist..I'm all about realism and realistically your situation sucks big time.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You didn't greet her properly, so she reams you out? If you are her life partner, she needs to treat you BETTER than anyone else rather than taking her frustrations out ON you. I do not care how important something is to one person, RESPECT is the core of communicating in a relationship, and she is being beyond disrespectful. The more you take it, the less she'll respect you.

I hope you took seriously my comment about birth control. You do not want to bring a child into this at this point. Do not trust that she is taking care of it. If she asks or complains or refuses to have sex b/c you wear a condom, so be it. You have every right to take extra precautions when the marriage is so fragile and she needs to know that. Honestly, this is a matter of trust, b/c right now could you honestly trust her to be a kind and caring mother AND to share fully with you in parenting? She comes across as someone who would use a child as leverage to get her way--and that is truly dangerous. 

Look into counseling, please, and maybe start with individual counseling. Good luck!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

lol freak, we aren't going to agree on a lot of these stories are we.



> So when she walks in the door how do you FEEL? Is your stomach in a knot? Do you hold your breath and dread what might happen next? Do you even WANT to go home?
> 
> If the answers are "yes" and I suspect that they are, it's time to leave. Don't waste your time. Life is too short.


 I felt like this sometimes. I dreaded the next fight with my wife. Despite wanting my marriage to work no matter what, I still sometimes stayed at work and hoped that a fight at home wouldn't end my marriage.


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## lifted_red_x (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes I do get uneasy when going home not knowing what is going to happen each day. I am looking into counseling just for me, to help me deal with this and get through it.

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

Freak- that is a badass list of vehicles that you have had. I am definitely looking for a clean fox body around the area to mess with. I had a modified WRX before the xterra and miss the power but now want a muscle car. The xterra has some skid plates underneath and I will eventually get some sliders but a lot of parts are custom for these since they aren't as popular as other trucks for offroading and only a few vendors out there. Schrock makes parts but their wait time is crazy. Haven't gone wheeling yet, this year will be the first time, nothing crazy though. Looking forward to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

anx said:


> lol freak, we aren't going to agree on a lot of these stories are we.
> 
> I felt like this sometimes. I dreaded the next fight with my wife. Despite wanting my marriage to work no matter what, I still sometimes stayed at work and hoped that a fight at home wouldn't end my marriage.


Well, we come from different ends of the spectrum.  

I remember when my husband would come home and I'd hear him walking up the stairs. The knot would start in my stomach and I'd get the sinking feeling.."Oh uh..what now?". Especially if I was at the computer playing World of Warcraft. He always had a problem with that. 

Often I'd just glance at my husband and know what his mood would be. I can still see the "look". Then the abuse would start. 

I still remember how I felt the day after he left. The porch was empty. The chair he sat in deserted and nothing there but cigarette butts and an empty glass. I felt SO relieved!! 

I'd rather come home to an empty house than feel like that again..


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

lifted_red_x said:


> Freak- that is a badass list of vehicles that you have had. I am definitely looking for a clean fox body around the area to mess with. I had a modified WRX before the xterra and miss the power but now want a muscle car. The xterra has some skid plates underneath and I will eventually get some sliders but a lot of parts are custom for these since they aren't as popular as other trucks for offroading and only a few vendors out there. Schrock makes parts but their wait time is crazy. Haven't gone wheeling yet, this year will be the first time, nothing crazy though. Looking forward to it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I did rock crawling with my Jeep and skids weren't an option.  I gotta say I did love four wheeling with it but now that it's my primary vehicle I can't bang it up like I used to. I take the doors off and cruise around and will take it down some scenic trails though but the rock crawling days are over for now. 

Of course you can get ANYTHING for a Jeep. Kinda like a 5.0 Mustang back in the day. They didn't call it the "57 Chevy of the '90s" for nothing. :smthumbup: I got into the Fox Bodies at the beginning of the fuelies and took it right to the end of the pushrod era...and hung on with the 351 Windsor. 

It was a fun car and pretty fast. It made 500 ft.lbs of torque and about 425 HP. . By today's standards it probably isn't as fast as many cars from the factory but at the time it was damn impressive. Problem was, it was damn expensive to maintain and I road raced it and beat it to all hell. 

So I sold it and bought a Jeep and four wheeled it and beat IT to all hell. :rofl:

I wonder how common or easy it is to get a Fox Body these days? It's not like you see many running around. :scratchhead: Are they still as popular?

I gotta say that the 5.0 engine is so easy to work on/modify. One thing I like about my 4.0 Jeep is that it's the same type of animal. I like lying underneath it and knowing EXACTLY what everything is and what it does. And it's easy to work on too.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> Especially if I was at the computer playing World of Warcraft.


 Not that different, I still raid lol. I'll probably quit soon, which is what they all say. I can quit at any time.

IC sounds great liftedredx.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

anx said:


> Not that different, I still raid lol. I'll probably quit soon, which is what they all say. I can quit at any time.


I don't raid. I quest mostly. I'm on a roleplaying server and find that to be a lot of fun. I love the new expansion because of all the new quests and areas.  I've been playing awhile..since Vanilla. I guess about 5 years now. 

Why quit? :scratchhead: It's fun and if you do it in moderation (like everything else in life) it's not a problem. Once I was really close to being addicted to it but I dialed it back and now I play a few hours each evening. I find it a great way to unwind after coming home from work.

In the winter I'll play on weekends more but during the nice weather it's rare that I play because I do so many other things. It's a part of my life but it's definitely not my life. If the sun is shining or there's a good band playing at a club I'm not sitting home playing WoW. 

Even that was a problem for my husband. He would get on my case about playing WoW. He wanted me to sit downstairs with him and watch TV, which I find really boring. I see no difference between watching those reality shows and playing a game on the computer. What's ironic is that HE got me into Warcraft and when HE got tired of it and quit he expected ME to do the same, which I resented. I've noticed this trend with him that as long as I'm doing what he wants me to do it's all good but if I deviate than that's when the problems start. 

Now I can play whenever I want without being hassled! :smthumbup: Sometimes I do watch TV with my kids. I just like having a CHOICE about what I do instead of being bothered about it.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> if you do it in moderation (like everything else in life) it's not a problem.


 Yeah, I'm REALLY bad at moderation. I'm better than I have been, but I get addicted to things FAST. We started playing b/c we don't like TV either and we were arguing, so it was something fun to do separately while we were figuring it out.



> I've noticed this trend with him that as long as I'm doing what he wants me to do it's all good but if I deviate than that's when the problems start.


 From what you wrote, your husband and I are too similar for me to be comfortable sometimes. I feel like if I didn't have a supportive family to help me with anxiety and depression when they were issues, I would have ended up like him. I also have been VERY careful with drinking because a family member has struggled with it. Many of the things you said are issues that I had between my wife and I. I was edging on emotional abuse, and often didn't know it because my wife bottled up her emotions. It was a horrible dynamic. I think you deleted your story, but I think your husband and I had some similarities that bug me sometime.

Sorry for jacking your thread lifted_red_x, but I think in your situation you need to figure out if your wife's behavior is emotional abuse and controlling. No matter what, it needs to be fixed. I changed.


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## lifted_red_x (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks, and no problem with the threadjacking. I encouraged some of it anyway with the car talk.

I think I know what the issue is and what needs to be done, I just need some good ways to cope with going through it. I have felt bad for a while for how things have been playing out and still do at times, but I dont think that I have to change. I have busted my balls for a long time to please her, and taking the abuse just broke me down. She has tried to say she wants to get close to me again like we used to be but I think the damage is already done and I dont trust that actions and words from before wont happen again in the future. It also does not mean she will ever be close with my family, I know she has no interest in them which is a huge deal breaker for me. I just dont seem to have the balls to cut loose, I have really been too nice. That is my issue.
I got a call back from a therapist today, someone that I knew through work a few years back and told him the issue. Maybe he can help me through this and some other issue I need to tacle.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

anx said:


> I feel like if I didn't have a supportive family to help me with anxiety and depression when they were issues, I would have ended up like him. I also have been VERY careful with drinking because a family member has struggled with it. Many of the things you said are issues that I had between my wife and I. I was edging on emotional abuse, and often didn't know it because my wife bottled up her emotions. It was a horrible dynamic.


When I realized what was happening with my husband I was very supportive. The entire family was. I've had my own issues with mental health over the years and when I saw the handwriting on the wall I tried my best to help him. I arranged for him to see a doctor and get medicated (he wouldn't go to therapy). I cut back on his work schedule and called his customers and rearranged everything because he was working too hard. It probably WAS too little too late but I did try. 

When he FINALLY went in the hospital I visited him every day. When I was in the hospital for my problems 10 years ago he went to see a divorce lawyer! My recovery was delayed by years due to his emotional abuse and coldness to me after I got out of the hospital. 

When he got out of the hospital this past August I left him money, my car with a full tank of gas and he drove up to meet us at our campsite at Lake George so we could spend a week's vacation up there. It's his favorite place to be. We couldn't have been more supportive. When he came home I took on more bills and work to help out. It was never enough. He insisted that I give give him the money I was making. No way was I doing that. He'd already blown through our savings and I wasn't giving him access to what I was making. He says I didn't trust him. Damn straight and it's a good thing I didn't or else I would be in Section 8 housing, just as he gloated I would be. 

Little more than a month later he was back to drinking, smoking and blowing off work. He's still doing it six months later. 

He started drinking because he was depressed so he started self medicating. Plus, he probably has a predisposition to alcohol. It's in his family. His brother is an alcoholic too. He brings up my past actions as an excuse to be the way he is now. Now he has the money to act the way he wants as well. He himself will gladly admit this. 

You aren't like my husband. You realized you had a problem and worked to correct it. You went into counseling for yourself. You do marriage counseling. My husband won't even consider it. You admit you have problems and made mistakes. My husband never admits any wrongdoings. All he does is blame me for all his problems. He feels 100% entitled to have acted the way he did and to continue doing so. 

I've never bottled up my emotions. I've always been open about how I've felt. My husband has always dismissed my feelings. Said I was crazy and it was "all in my head". Emotional abuse is something I've been dealing with for 20 years. The drinking was just the straw that broke the camel's back. If I told you some of the things my husband has said to me over the years you'd know why I have the viewpoint I do and why I'm glad to be separated. His abuse and actions got so bad over this summer that I started cutting myself due the pain and guilt I felt. He called that my "antics" and said I was "just doing it for attention". He's all heart. 

I also know emotional abuse when I read about it..which is why I'm giving LiftedRed the advice I'm giving him: To get out while he can and don't look back.

Life is too short to waste on putting up with this crap. Some people are just broken and I think his wife is one of them.


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## lifted_red_x (Mar 8, 2011)

^I like you Freak, you seem very level-headed.

She is threatening to leave again, like tonight and she might be gone by the time I get home from work. She is blaming me for a lot of her emotional issues and basically destroying her life over the last year. I just dont get it. I know it is a **** situation I am in and pointless to go on, but it still sucks and hurts to see her go you know? I think it is a self-esteem issue with me and a form of rejection that I guess I dont take too well.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

lifted_red_x said:


> ^I like you Freak, you seem very level-headed.


Thanks! It's the four wheeling. You crawl over enough rocks and eventually you get some sense knocked into you.  I like you too. If you ever come out this way drop by and we'll have some fun. 



> She is threatening to leave again, like tonight and she might be gone by the time I get home from work. She is blaming me for a lot of her emotional issues and basically destroying her life over the last year. I just dont get it. I know it is a **** situation I am in and pointless to go on, but it still sucks and hurts to see her go you know? I think it is a self-esteem issue with me and a form of rejection that I guess I dont take too well.


You don't realize it now but if she leaves you she will be doing the BIGGEST favor she ever has!

I know that you still love her. It's funny how that is. I have been abused and stepped on for YEARS and I still love my husband. I freely admit it. There's no weakness in loving someone. 

That said, you need to know when it's time to give up and move on. Animals have the instinct of self preservation. We humans seem to have had that diluted in us somehow. We will cling on to a toxic situation or person until it kills us. It's not natural and it's certainly not practical. 

You are young, have invested but a few short years and it's OBVIOUS that this is a very poisonous and emotionally disturbed individual who is dragging you down into the muck. She is causing you pain. She is looking to sever you from your families, your friends, your passions and she's not even worth it! Instead of being grateful and loving she continues on with the abuse. She will never be satisfied. Whatever you do will NEVER be enough!

I know full well about never doing enough. With my husband it was the same. No matter what I did, no matter how much I changed or adapted or gave..he always found something else to complain or bug me about. 

First, he wanted me to leave him alone and get my own life so I did so. That's when I got into my cars. Then the problem was my cars so I sold them. Then it was my hobbies so I gave them up. Then it was the money so I shared it. Then it was the amount of work that I didn't do so I worked more. Then it was the bills I didn't pay so I paid more. It went on and on and on. It was NEVER enough..Just like that song from Five Finger Death Punch. You know..the one titled "Never Enough". 

YouTube - Five Finger Death Punch - Never Enough + lyrics

It's time dude. Time to live your life and forge ahead. You can do it. Let her go and take a vacation and go visit your folks and be with people who really love you. It'll help give you perspective.


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## lifted_red_x (Mar 8, 2011)

I was working on my truck last night, she got bent out of shape and moved a bunch of her **** out while I was gone at a friends house. We talked on the phone and she wound up coming back, but gave me 2 weeks to fix some issues that we are having or she is leaving again for good. I am just venting, not looking for advice on this one just feel lost right now. 

I also just got word today that I might be losing my job in the next few months so I am at a loss for words.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

WORK ON THOSE ISSUES. have her make you a list. Talk to her every day about whether or not you are meeting those issues. Don't mess up.


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