# To have sex or not?



## bitter99 (Apr 25, 2012)

If your married with kids, fairly busy, and not in the mood. 

1) Should you just have sex to appease your partner? Even if your not really into it and you know they will pick a fight if you dont have sex 'enough'?

2) If so how often is reasonable/unreasonable?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Yes you should. If you aren't in the mood ask him to do something for you first (foot massage, draw a nice warm bubble bath for you, w/e).

Frequency should be decided between you two, I agree with LadyFrog 1x/week is a good minimum. Some couples shoot for 2-3x a week, some even more. If you are doing less than 1x/week I hope your husband has a weak libido.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Dont tell me that you always WANT to do laundry, or go to work. But there is reward in doing it anyway.

Putting work into your marriage by keeping your husband satisfied reeps its own rewards.

Just do it.

There's probably a minimum frequency that your husband has in mind that he can be happy with, see if you can come to a compromise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

bitter99 said:


> If your married with kids, fairly busy, and not in the mood.
> 
> 1) Should you just have sex to appease your partner? Even if your not really into it and you know they will pick a fight if you dont have sex 'enough'?
> 
> 2) If so how often is reasonable/unreasonable?


A resounding "he!! no" you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to. Own it, love it. You work hard for your money and are entitled to behave any way you want to.

Now, I don't know if you are a man or a woman, but I am assuming a man.

So, Sir, you are not in the mood. That is fine. Don't like sex? That is OK too. Happy never to have it again, or maybe once or twice a year when the moon is full on the first Sunday of the month? You need to fess up to the wife. Directly. 

"Hi Honey, I have decided, between kids and work and a few civic duties, that sex isn't important to me at all. I know it was kind of an implicit part of getting married, but hey I just lost that loving feeling, ya know? No hard feelings hun!"

A little word of warning. She might not be happy about the unilateral decision. So, there may be some consequences. Since human behavior encompasses so many different types of activity, I won't try to guess what she might do, but just be prepared to accept anything from quiet acceptance to a full blown affair. The affair, by the way, won't be your "fault", but will be a poorly chosen response by your wife to a sexless marriage.

Now, I suppose you could ask the question why you don't have any desire, but that would require self reflection and maybe therapy. This is kind of like going to the Dr. for us men, don't do it unless you absolutely have to.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i thing it depends on where "in the relationship" the two of you are. if resentment, and anger, and regression is ruling your relationship, than, it will not be an easy question to answer.

you have to work on why there is a blockade on sex, and life in general. if you or your spouse are putting kids, and job and household chores, come first...than no one will feel like putting the other persons feelings first.

personally in my marriage..i feel like im having an affair with my husband. we had the WORST 2/3 weeks of yelling, cussin, fussin, silent treatments...

we _ got to the root of a huge prob, and husband came to an understanding, and we had a LOT of loooong talks. i think we are both feel freer and lighter.

now i do have sex with him when i dont really want to, and i dont hold it against him. we both understand the statement...theres no good reason not to...

we got back to doing all the little things that make the other person feel good, and loved....its not a win/lose game...its not a one up manship contest...its not who has the bigger stack of chips, or a counting game to see who does more/less._


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yup! Cause your mate is "in the mood". 

But have some tender foreplay to wake you up


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

My wife is only "in the mood" about 25% of the time. That used to bother me until I read this:
do you know when you want it? | the dirty normal

Turns out that many women have "responsive desire" whereas many men have "spontaneous desire". My wife often starts sex in neutral; she could take it or leave it. But we have both learned that once we get started she really heats up...and I mean REALLY!! So if we were waiting for her to be "in the mood" we would be having sex about twice a month instead of 2-4 times a week. 

There are a lot of things in life we do when we really aren't in the mood to do them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Lately I haven't been in the mood AT ALL since surgery...well, it ebbs and flows in a weird way that I'm not used to. I just go with it and ALWAYS have a good time.  Hubs knows I'm not feelin' it lately, he also knows that I do it AND sometimes initiate it  Because I love the silly f&cker. :lol: I want him to feel desired and accepted and loved. So I initiate, even when I'm not in the mood. However, knowing this, he then takes initiative to give me INCREDIBLE orgasms. Like, amazing orgasms lately.

So...even when I know I'm not in the mood for sex, I'm always in the mood to love my husband.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Right now, I am very LD 

But Hubs wouldn't know it. I am psychin' myself out and pretending to be HD still. :rofl:

Last month i was CRAZY HD. Now LD. Stupid ovary. Doesn't know what it's doing without its twin  It will sort out.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Don't bring "too busy" into it. It's just an excuse to avoid addressing the real problem and examine your role in it.

If both of you are in the same home at night, there is plenty of time and opportunity to have sex. An adequate sex life (2x per week) takes at most 90 minutes, less than 1% of a week.

Figure out what the problem is and address it. Saying "the problem is that he / she wants sex" or "wants sex a certain way" does not count. If you cannot pinpoint a behavior that prevents you from having a sex life with good frequency and variety, you need to consider the problem is with you and go from there.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your partner has sexual needs, "yes" you should meet them if possible. That is, after all, the promise you both made. If you can't do it without obviously playing the part of the sacrificial lamb being led to slaughter, then forget it. I'd rather have no sex than obvious duty sex. If you are physically able but just can't find it in yourself to devote 30 minutes or an hour a couple times a week for your spouse's basic human needs, you might want to reconsider whether you are marriage material.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Formerniceguy,

Have to disagree with you!

I don't want to wake up every day at 5:30 AM and go to work but that was part of the understanding when we married and had kids.

Marriage is similar. There is an implied obligation that you'll have sex with your partner. The issue of frequency is one that changes and needs to be constantly renegotiated as the relationship revolves and changes


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Formerniceguy,
> 
> Have to disagree with you!


Thanks Toffer.

My attempt at satire obviously failed.

Back to the regularly scheduled programming.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

There is a big difference between giving in and laying there and giving in out of love and being and active participant, also I have learned that my spouse does not want to know when I am doing it just for him, he wants it to be normal like any other time. This took some time and practice and mental stimulation on my own part to ensure that I keep myself wanting sex so that I could not only accept more advances but also initiate more. It has to be a priority or it will ruin your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bitter99 (Apr 25, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Yes, you should. Not being "in the mood" is not a valid excuse, nor is having children, or being busy. Everyone is busy.
> 
> You may not be in the mood when you start but you'll get in it quickly enough. Unless you can play the TaTaChaCha game and not react to any of your partners moves, which is highly unlikely.
> 
> Frequency depends on the couple. At least once a week.


Tell me about this game? 

Sorry but I figure everyone is busy, not useing it as an excuse. Was fishing for a baseline without consideration of my personal situation. 

To clarify. I am female, dont withhold, he dosent know when its obligatory, dont mind a quicky or 3 to each mutual satisafactory encounter. I do put forth the effort, I dont feel a return of it.

I feel that just because hes got wood or in the mood should not be the only factor in weather we have sex. It is my body too is it not? IMO people rarely do thigns for 1 reason, there are many reasons. Some of which are more valid or carry more weight than others. Accurately expressing a few would be lengthy. 

Sex in itself dose not equal love. It dose make people generally feel better and is implyed in a marriage. Sometimes its a way to express love. But all own it dose not.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

bitter99 said:


> Tell me about this game?
> 
> Sorry but I figure everyone is busy, not useing it as an excuse. Was fishing for a baseline without consideration of my personal situation.
> 
> ...


So, we have the straw man "sex does not equal love" argument again. No one has ever asserted that this is not true. What DOES get said is that sex is a necessary part of showing love. Or, if you will, "no sex equals no love". The cause and effect works both ways; if you dont have regular satisfying sex with him he will not feel you love him and he is unlikely to bend over backwards to meet your needs over the long term.

But, we cannot give you any baseline without knowing your circumstances. In general, married couples in their 20s & 30s with kids have sex just over 2x per week if you believe the studies that are cited (or the people that cite them). Of course, researchers generally strive to capture a wide swath of people to generate reliable study results. And unless you read the middle parts of the typical study you will not what exactly the study is measuring or how the measurements were interpreted.

One thing you mention is that you have sex more than you want to keep the peace and him satisfied, which is a good thing. But, if you see discrepancy in drive as a problem to overcome, you are shooting yourself in the foot with the attitude of "what is the minimum I could get away with". IMO it is much healthier to take the approach "how can I work to improve my drive and reduce the level of contention".

The other thing you note is that you are busy. Bluntly, this sounds like a cop-out. If you and your husband both return to the same home every night and don't have some sort of personal emergency going on, there is always time for sex if you prioritize it. This I know from experience. You need to consider whether the issue is really that you don't value sex enough to sacrifice other interests to pursue it.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

bitter99 said:


> I1) Should you just have sex to appease your partner? Even if your not really into it and you know they will pick a fight if you dont have sex 'enough'?


No, you should not have sex to appease your partner. Nor should you have sex to avoid a fight. If those are the only two reasons you can think of to please your lover when you aren't in the mood then I have to wonder if you love him. I have a higher drive than Carol's. That means that I am often the initiator. She doesn't "put out to appease me". She rallies to the opportunity to love her man.



> 2) If so how often is reasonable/unreasonable?


There is no "reasonable" or "fair". There are only decisions which increase the happiness in the marriage and ones that decrease it. Just like in Indiana Jones, it's important to... "choose wisely".


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Formerniceguy,
> 
> Have to disagree with you!


I think FNG was being sarcastic


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

bitter99 said:


> 1) Should you just have sex to appease your partner? Even if your not really into it and you know they will pick a fight if you dont have sex 'enough'?


Personally in my situation. I would say yes, do it. I don't hold it against her that she's having 'duty sex' with me. I appreciate the fact that she's trying at all. Ideally, I would love it if she was all hot and bothered and couldn't wait to jump my bones, but on planet Earth where I live, this happens maybe once every few years. The issue is for you, if your spouse doesn't mind 'duty sex', than go ahead and do it. I know that the threat of a fight if you don't isn't exactly an aphrodisiac - but what can you do?

2) If so how often is reasonable/unreasonable?[/QUOTE]

This is different for every couple. You just have to find that happy medium. And both have to be reasonable.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I never turned it down

wish I could say the same for him....!

the next relationship I have he's going to have to want it all the time - my drive has increased over the years. It's the only thing I miss about being with someone


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

You have to strike a balance. 
Sometimes you have to make the effort....what about the times your partner has wanted to sleep but you wanted your neck and shoulders massaged...and he has done it...because YOU his wife wanted it. He did it FOR YOU.

He feels horny and 'wants' you....you don't feel like it..... Sometimes (striking the balance) you have to do it for HIM....just as he does things for YOU.

If only my wife realised it......


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

well nothing is unconditional. if a happy compromise is not reached then eventually he will be thinking to be married or not. that is the question.

and we know when its obligatory sex even if your meg ryan faking it.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> A resounding "he!! no" you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to. Own it, love it. You work hard for your money and are entitled to behave any way you want to.
> 
> Now, I don't know if you are a man or a woman, but I am assuming a man.
> 
> ...


:lol: I see what you did there.....


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

bitter99 said:


> If your married with kids, fairly busy, and not in the mood.
> 
> 1) Should you just have sex to appease your partner? Even if your not really into it and you know they will pick a fight if you dont have sex 'enough'?
> 
> 2) If so how often is reasonable/unreasonable?


What you should do is question what is wrong with your life and or priorities where a sexual encounter with your mate is considered anything but a blessing to you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would say if you have the ask you know the answer is probably no anyway. So embrace it. It's like when your health insurance company stops doing their job even halfway well and they toss it back in your lap. They call it 'empowerment' but it's really just not doing their job.


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## Darkflower (Dec 2, 2011)

Take this worth a grain of salt, but . . .

My parents have been together for 58 years, married for 53.

My mom told me like this: "I may not love sex, but I love your father. I see to it that he doesn't feel a difference."

( 'Course, she also said, "I don't have to do it often, I just have to do it WELL." Hee hee!)

Granted, she is the sun in his sky and pretty much every decision he has ever made in his life was somehow pointed at making her happy.


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## iGuy (Apr 23, 2012)

bitter99 said:


> If your married with kids, fairly busy, and not in the mood.
> 
> 1) Should you just have sex to appease your partner? Even if your not really into it and you know they will pick a fight if you dont have sex 'enough'?
> 
> 2) If so how often is reasonable/unreasonable?


I especially logged in to comment on this thread!

My hands are currently bleeding on my keyboard, covered in residual silicone sealant. When I got home, tired after a busy day at work. I spent time with the kids and went to the shop to pick up some stuff.

My wife then called me to our downstairs bathroom and showed me all the water. SOMETHING somewhere was leaking water. So, despite not being "in the mood", despite being tired, having an aching neck and slipped disc in my back, I worked.

I didn't just dry the water with a towel (appeasing), but I took the cupboards apart as well as around the toilet. I stuck my hands and arms into some very grim wet, old, filthy, stinky water. Dried it up and found the leak. 

I took silicone sealant, stopped the tap and sealed the leak. Then put all the cupboards and things together.

*I did all this, despite not being in the mood - because it was IMPORTANT to my wife.*

At the weekend, I went out in POURING rain and wind to put diesel in her minivan. Got out at the fuel station and put the diesel in - a FULL tank. It left me in the rain longer than if I had just put 2 gallons in. 

I WASN'T IN THE MOOD EITHER. I was tired, didn't feel like it and honestly it wasn't MY problem - it is HER car!!

I did these things because it is IMPORTANT for her. It took me much longer than sex 3 times a week would take her.

My POINT is that sex is important for your husband. Just do it - without moaning. And do it WELL! 

Ironically, my wife won't have sex with me because it's important to me because SHE is tired, not in the mood, yadda yadda yadda...

But there, just my $1.32cents worth...


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## bitter99 (Apr 25, 2012)

iGuy said:


> I especially logged in to comment on this thread!
> 
> My hands are currently bleeding on my keyboard, covered in residual silicone sealant. When I got home, tired after a busy day at work. I spent time with the kids and went to the shop to pick up some stuff.
> 
> ...


Your missing the point. Shes not in the mood you probalby (or at least it would help to) do something to help put her in the mood. Not play video games till late at night then complain that you need sleep while saying why dont you want sex more. Complaning without putting forth an effort to fix things is part of the problem.

I do things that need done. I do have sex with him WELL, when I'm not really in the mood. But seriously what I get from here and him is basically I should put out every time he wants to. This dosent sound like marriage this sounds like being a wh0re. 

Maybe hes not like you. If this happened to our house he would get some towels and call a repair man the next day or week to fix it. 

No sex dosent feel like a blessing when I know I HAVE to preform every x amount of days or I will be barraged with why dont you want sex? Or worse. 

7737 Since when has he given me a massage? Or done anything for me that wasnt really for him but he says its for me?

chillymom who said meg ryans any good at fakeing it?

iGuy Also, is fixing part of your house when your not in the mood really bending over backwards for your WIFE? Or is that really in your own best interest as well?


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## bitter99 (Apr 25, 2012)

DTO said:


> So, we have the straw man "sex does not equal love" argument again. No one has ever asserted that this is not true. What DOES get said is that sex is a necessary part of showing love. Or, if you will, "no sex equals no love". The cause and effect works both ways; if you dont have regular satisfying sex with him he will not feel you love him and he is unlikely to bend over backwards to meet your needs over the long term.
> 
> But, we cannot give you any baseline without knowing your circumstances. In general, married couples in their 20s & 30s with kids have sex just over 2x per week if you believe the studies that are cited (or the people that cite them). Of course, researchers generally strive to capture a wide swath of people to generate reliable study results. And unless you read the middle parts of the typical study you will not what exactly the study is measuring or how the measurements were interpreted.
> 
> ...





bitter99 said:


> Tell me about this game?
> 
> Sorry but I figure everyone is busy, not useing it as an excuse. Was fishing for a baseline without consideration of my personal situation.
> 
> ...


I state that everyone is busy and I am not useing it as an excuse. How exactly is that a cop-out? 

I also say that sex in itself dose not equal love. Not all on its own. Or dose that prostitute really love each of their customers? Honestly I'm not sure as I have never done that but I think its safe to say they dont ALL love each and EVERY customer. 

If sex is necessary to showing love, then only molesters/abusers love their childern? 

And I would really like to know when he has bent over backwards to meet MY needs. Oh please do tell.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

bitter99 said:


> I state that everyone is busy and I am not useing it as an excuse. How exactly is that a cop-out?
> 
> I also say that sex in itself dose not equal love. Not all on its own. Or dose that prostitute really love each of their customers? Honestly I'm not sure as I have never done that but I think its safe to say they dont ALL love each and EVERY customer.
> 
> ...


Just talking about being busy in that context is a red flag. I see an attitude of "I'm tired and busy - why should I" when the appropriate attitude is "if I am so busy that my libido suffers maybe I need to reprioritize so that it does not feel like a chore."

Regarding "if sex is necessary to showing love, then only molesters/abusers love their childern?" I assumed this conversation was limited to a marital (or at least a committed, exclusive relationship) context. Maybe I'm  ?

So, let me clarify: sex is necessary to showing love in marriage, which is (IMO) at its core a romantic relationship. You generally would not marry someone (or even date for long) if you were not attracted to them in that way. If you married someone to whom you were not sexually attracted, that is the problem.

I recognize this is not always true. There are many arranged marriages, convenience marriages, or "pressure marriages" (like certain religious sects that promote the idea of marriage for procreation leading to a spreading of that particular ideology. So, YMMV as they say.

As far as your husband bending over backwards for you, my first thought is that we are back to "why do you feel like sex is such as huge sacrifice? What is going on in your life that taking 1% out of your week for a decent sex life is so burdensome?"

Regarding what he does - isn't he monogamous and doesn't that count? I would argue that someone with a typical sex drive is making a significant sacrifice and leap of faith by saying "there is this part of me that is important to feeling like I am at my best, and I'm entrusting you with it - forsaking all others." Do you agree? If you think his faithfulness is not important, that might be the problem.

Then, if he really does not do much around the home that might be a problem, obviously. Does he not maybe pick up a few extra chores to help out? Hold down a good job and help out with the bills? Do the dirtier jobs around the home?

He should not have to bend over backwards to deserve sex. You optimally would have a good libido but if not you should be able to cheerfully meet his need. Somewhere on TAM there is a lady who talks about taking a "servent heart" towards sex with her husband. I cannot find that article, but consider Googling it and see if any of that resonates.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds like you really don't like being married. You don't sound attracted to your man. So why are you even still with him? And what are you looking for here? Permission to treat him badly? Seems like you don't need permission to dislike your husband, you're doing fine on your own.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Sounds like classic resentment. You should not feel like a [email protected] or a s!ut because your husband wants sex. 

It's time for the talk. When you are a moment alone, tell him how you feel. Choose your words carefully. Ask him how often he needs sex, and how often he, in heart of hearts, could really go in a week. 

Don't double talk, don't answer your own question...let him speak honestly and freely. Watch your body language also. Think about what he says. 

Ask what he would like from you. Tell him what you need. More dates, or outside the bedroom romance, more touching. Figure out your love languages (google ok Cupid, love languages) or you might find a better on through google. 

See if he would do the test. But you have to get the dialog going. It does take time, but it's worth it to reach an understanding. Once you put it out there that you are interested in working on the problem, his behivor should change. 

If you say you will do something don't not follow through. He will back slide. It's normal to back slide yourself and fall back into old habits. Own up to it, say sorry, you are back on track. 

This requires a lot of words like, "it's not that I didnt overlook your feelings.." , "what I'm about to say isn't you, it's just how I feel/see/think", "I'm not trying to belittle you, or talk down to you, but is this what you ment when you said so-n-so, such-n-such".

Words have meaning, body language will betray your thoughts, opening old hurts, new hurts, hurts that you didn't know you had, is hard to hear. 

We all take things personally. We all want to be heard. Don't use words the point fingers.."you always...", "you never...". A thing my husband and used to do was switch "you" for " I", so instead if, " YOU never take out the trash", it becomes, "I never take out the trash". 

No blame shifting. No side stepping the issue, if you need time to reflect, say that. And actually think about it. Bring it up on your own later. Same with him, if he needs time, don't badger him. A week is a good period of time to mention it. 

If he says he FEELS a certain way, agree that he does. If he says he sees this action this way..he does, and agree. This will build up the trust that both of you need.


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## estherdim (Nov 8, 2010)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Yes, you should. Not being "in the mood" is not a valid excuse, nor is having children, or being busy. Everyone is busy.
> 
> You may not be in the mood when you start but you'll get in it quickly enough. Unless you can play the TaTaChaCha game and not react to any of your partners moves, which is highly unlikely.
> 
> Frequency depends on the couple. At least once a week.


In a marriage, you really have to be in the mood, childern or no children can not prevent you from attending to the need of you husband unless you want that man to start have a date outside marriage which i never incourage at all. So if it is sex that will keep your husband with you please kindly give it to him willingly.


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## bitter99 (Apr 25, 2012)

Its not just because he wants sex. Its because I *have* to have sex with him when he wants it (basically or every x amount of time that changes to his whim) or he will start to pick a fight. And I dont know about you but thats a major turn off for me.

Maybe I should elaborate what this could entail. When our fighting was bad he would follow me around barrageing me with questions he demand I answer. I did and honestly, but that wasnt good enough. Mind you if I ask him something he dosent answer, but repeats it expecting an answer. He keeps asking the same ones, like he didnt bother to hear me. Evey time I slept, he would wake me up yelling at me (this went on for over a week). He wouldnt let me shower or even pee without walking in to leer at me. 

I have needed time to reflect (I seek out time and space when things reach a certain point). He will not alow it. He follows me around pushing it further and further. 

I found our fights are a bit of a vishious cyclye. We fight. I do not feel sexual in any way. He wants sex. If I dont he picks a fight. If i do I feel like a cheap wh0re or like I'm forecing my self to be raped.

Partially resentment stems from him _insisting_ to give oral then getting angry with me because I did not O in his time frame. This hurt me deeply and makes it harder for me to enjoy myself. 

I dont double talk. I listen to him and answer him honestly. He goes as far as telling me how I_ feel _or should _feel_. I have told him thats not how I feel at all. I am human and entitled to my own feeling and opinions just like him and everyone else. He has no right to tell me how I am alowed to feel. He has no respect for me as a person or human being.

I have asked him what he wants and listened. For a very long time I spent all my time and energy trying to make *him* happy. Changeing the way I do things to please him more. Lots of little things to show him hes loved and taken care of. And NO he dosent get the dirtyiest jobs in the house.

What he says changes, as do his answers. I have asked him a question and he says: 'No I have never done that in my life'. I do a double take and ask him about it listening carefully (I'm sorry honey say that again? In case I heard him wrong). He says 'No I have never done that, and I never will'. Now I'm confused because he told me a week ago that he had just done so. Then he will swear up and down that what hes saying now is true. I must have imagined him telling me that before because he would never say that! Would never say that let alone do it! Then after several mins of reassuring me and I say ok honey. His story will change, he says he might have just said it to mess with me. Or 2 other possibilities. Understand I'm not yelling or even angery, more just confused/shocked. (Well honey what way do you want this? What really happend? Not to be angery or mean but to figure out how I'm expected to do things.) I've asked ok so if you were just saying that, why would you have? 

He dosent listen to me. If I tell him I'd like to go on dates, he gets mad and starts blameing me for why we dont. (Well ok honey but do you think if I do x that we could try again?)

If I say I will do something I make sure I do it. If I take too much time I apoligize and try to do better. This is important to me. We have discussed this. He often says he will do something and dosent. If I act saddened or disapointed in the slightest he gets mad at me and says that I only keep my word because I never say I'll do anything. Then again in real life I dont talk a lot. 

WorkingOnME - I am here part to get whats 'normal'. Part to find a way to get him to go to MC. Part to vent since I'm not alowed to have friends (unless he picks them out), he dosent like me talking on the phone, and we live so far from family.

DTO - So just because hes monogamous in a marriage he is bending over backwards? :scratchhead: And here I thought that was implyed in the same manner that sex (with your spouce ) in marriage was. 
Even if its not normally implyed it is required in ours. He is actually consistant on that. Yes my 'attitude' may no longer be ideal, but there are reasons why. I never said nore see how I could have implyed he had to bend over backwards nore had to 'deserve' sex. 

Its hard to cheerfully meet someones every need for years, when they do not meet yours. Even if you can accomplish such a task continiously, you then run the risk of turnning bitter...


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Formerniceguy,
> 
> Have to disagree with you!
> 
> Marriage is similar. There is an implied obligation that you'll have sex with your partner.


Once sex becomes an obligation it's all over.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Your problem isn't about sex - that's one of the symptoms of your relationship breakdown.



> He has no respect for me as a person or human being.


This is a big problem. I suspect you have little respect for him left, too.

What is keeping you in this marriage? Why do you want to stay with him?


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

We all have our needs.... a womans 'language of love' (in general!) is to be told how good she looks, to be loved, cherished, helped with chores in the house....made to feel she is the most special person in the whole world as far as her partner is concerned.

A mans needs are far simpler....do you love us? Are we the most special person in the world for you? Yes?
Well just have sex with us....thats the language we understand.

We're very simple creatures really.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you are married and have kids and feel stressed, should you go to work even on days you'd rather be fishing or napping? Do you still have to haul the garbage cans to the road if there's something good on TV? If your kids are hungry, do you have to feed them even if you're not hungry yourself?


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## iGuy (Apr 23, 2012)

Flip his on its head.

Question; do you want your husband to remain faithful? What if a gorgeous size 8 Irish redhead with a shoulder less mini dress sits near him at a function that makes his heart race?

What if you pick up 100 lbs? 150 lbs? Must he still remain faithful?

If yes, then have sex when he wants, because you expect him to remain faithful even if he might not want to....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

iGuy said:


> Flip his on its head.
> 
> Question; do you want your husband to remain faithful? What if a gorgeous size 8 Irish redhead with a shoulder less mini dress sits near him at a function that makes his heart race?
> 
> ...


 Did you even read her posts about how her husband treats her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bitter,

In the OP you asked a question with little to no background. The only reason you gave for not wanting sex is being married with kids, fairly busy and not in the mood. So people responded based on what you posted. 

Then later you bring in ‘the rest of the story’.

It sounds like you are in a marriage with a man who plays video games instead of doing what he should in the way of work around the house and in showing you the love you need.

So in that situation, no you should not have sex with him when you are at the point of feeling unloved and bitter.

“A woman needs a reason to have sex. A man only needs a place.”

Why are you still in a marriage where you are so incredibly unhappy?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would say no. At this point I espouse the somewhat Renaissance view of marriage that one should marry for money, power, land, politics or status. Love and sex have little if anything to do with it.


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

bitter99 said:


> If your married with kids, fairly busy, and not in the mood.
> 
> 1) Should you just have sex to appease your partner? Even if your not really into it and you know they will pick a fight if you dont have sex 'enough'?
> 
> 2) If so how often is reasonable/unreasonable?


We don't have children. I often read about the challenges kids can bring for a couple's sex life. It is much easier to find time for each other when there are no kids. This doesn't mean that parents don't have sex.

You should have sex with your spouse not just to appease them, but because lovemaking is a natural and healthy part of marriage. Nobody takes a wife or husband to be sexually deprived. 

I read somewhere that most couples have sex once a week. This is a good goal to aim for if you are currently intimate less often than that. 

My husband and I have sex 3-4 times a week because we have high drives and we view lovemaking as a way to express adoration.


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