# Unrealistic Expectations?



## arc31181 (Aug 19, 2014)

*Hi*

Hi


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Two main points. The first I got from my younger sister who works from home 80% of the time, has conference calls and has to do constant monitoring with her position. Whether you go to an office all day and work or if your office is at home, you are still at work and your spouse needs to realize this. My sister had trouble with her daughters, not her spouse, when it came to this. I could see making time for some little things, like you mentioned, basic clean ups etc, but moving furniture, come on?

I would have a very hard time being married to someone who always wanted more and one of my best friends fell into that trap. She wanted to keep up with the Joneses too, they got way deep in debt, nearly lost their overly expensive home and if not for me helping him out, he would have lost a lot. Eventually they had to "short sell" it to avoid bankruptcy and now they live in a small modest home and she finally realized she needed to appreciate her husband more than what he could buy her. He was working two jobs to try and keep up.

You need to talk to her about this and tell her, that if she wants a lavish lifestyle, she will have to work for it too, it's not going to be all you. My wife and I have never been material people and I'm thankful for that. It is impossible to keep up with the Joneses and someone will always have more.

It almost sounds like that if you two would hit a financial crisis and she would have to do without, that your marriage would suffer horribly and that isn't right. You really need to talk to her about all of these things.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

She is completely unreasonable. And quite frankly, it sounds like it's awful to be around her.

Your marriage is in serious trouble. Your problems are way bigger than housework and income. Your wife is demanding, controlling, cranky, selfish, and downright mean to you and your kids. And you no longer want to have sex with her! This is a HUGE problem in a marriage.

Marriage counseling is in order. This will help you sort out whether your issues are fixable and whether or not you even want to be married to this person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your W needs to get real....your two kids...is the pool money also known as the college fund? You need to bring your W the reality of the situation. However, you appear to be a pleaser and fixer. Your W knows this. Time to stop being a pleaser to make every wish of your W come true. It is unrealistic and don't feel bad for not meeting your W unrealistic demands. You need to lay it out on the table. If you don't your W can not help work towards a common goal together.


Oh, and driving across town to save on some tomato sauce is not only a waste of time but gas as well. It took me years to explain this to my W. Gee, you saved $1.50 by going to another store. But...you wasted $5.50 in gas and took time away from other things that need to get done.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

At the end of the day it appears your W is going to pull you and the kids into a financial abyss. Do not start digging that hole because filling it in is darn near impossible. 

Champagne tastes on a beer budget. Been there and done that. Still can't stand the taste of Hamburger Helper.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

arc31181 said:


> Am I being a lazy jerk for not allowing my wife to stay at home, *NO *or is she just an unreasonable person? * She is acting the way she acts becuase you are not acting like a man should act. * And how do I even begin to approach her about this? *You don't "approach her about this". * I don’t want a divorce, honestly that’s not even an option. *Good that you don't want a divorce, but it's always an option because you are only one of the people who gets to make this choice *I love my kiddos too much and wouldn’t know what to do without them, plus I keep our home and our lives running smoothly… I’m very much needed around here! *You want to be wanted and needed*But that the same time, I feel completely trapped and upset by my wife’s attitude, and I really don’t know what to say or do anymore.*Will try to help with that.*


Go into the Men's Clubhouse and read the very first post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html

You are afraid to assert any manly authority in your marriage. You think that you better appease the beast rather than confront her in any even small way. As a result your wife is repulsed by you and continues to escalate her behavior becuase she is crying out for you to become the leader that she wants you to be.


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## arc31181 (Aug 19, 2014)

Hi


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## arc31181 (Aug 19, 2014)

Hi


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ok then. Counseling has been a failure because she refuses to be an adult and cooperate. And now she refuses to try it again.

Her behavior and demands are atrocious, but in order avoid fighting you have resigned yourself to putting up with her nonsense.

If she won't change and you won't leave, what is your plan going forward? Are you just going to continue in this misery?

Because trust me, you're not doing your kids any favors by subjecting them to this marital discord.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Look, I think you understand that there is more going on here than just you not meeting her (unreasonable) financial expectations. Here is what I take from your post, beyond the gold-digger vibe:

1. She is actively disrespectful of you as a person. She has no regard for your career and thinks any downtime you have from making her money would be better spent as her scullery maid. 
2. She has a short fuse with you and the kids. Further she doesn't enjoy being with you or them, that's why she locks herself in the bedroom on the weekend and binges on TV. If it hurts you, think how it makes your kids feel? It's like she view you guys as beneath her or impediments to her self realization, whatever the heck that means to her. 
3. The only time that she is anywhere close to being nice to you is when she wants you for sex. Which means she has an active drive that is seemingly not dependent on how well her emotional life is going (or not).

Call me the little boy who cries wolf but I agree with Happy as Clam that your marriage is in serious, serious trouble and not just because you don't agree to spring for a cement pond.
There are enough red flags in your post to fill Havana on May Day.
Even without the risk of an affair, which I think is very high in this case, she simply may not be the kind of woman you can build a life with. There are women who can be content with their man in a cabin in the outback. And there are women who would try to trade up from a millionaire, to billionaire, to ... And they are never ever happy no matter how much money there is floating around in the household. Just look around in your life, on this board or worse yet, watch reality TV and you'll see examples of both. And I am afraid you wife is in the latter category.
Money won't ever make her happy. I suspect however she is ready to spend the next chunk her life trying to disprove this well worn adage. Are you willing to spend yours that way?


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## arc31181 (Aug 19, 2014)

Hi


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

arc31181 said:


> And this is why I feel trapped. I never said I wouldn't EVER leave, but I won't while the kids are still living here.


What is "here"? Do you assume that your wife will get the house AND full custody of this kids? Have you seen a lawyer? Do you know that this assumption is true?



> 10 years until my youngest turns 18, then I might go. It just makes me sick to think about the fact that I'm going to continue wasting $$ that I've spent years working for, and wasting so much time/effort, just to keep her happy


If you are just marking time, why bother? 




> (which might be an impossible task anyways)...


Bingo must be the front row.



> and then I'm gonna bail and have absolutely nothing to show for it. She can easily find some rich man that can take care of her, but what about me?
> 
> The ideal solution would be for her to just stop acting this way, but idk if that's ever gonna happen.


If you wait 10 years, what are you saying to your kids? This is the model of a life. This is what your parents do. You could be spending that 10 years building a relationship with them outside the influence of their mother, your witch... I mean wife. Let her find another man to "take care of her", aka deal with her. Spend the next 10 years saving for college and making a nice life for yourself.

But before you do anything else, see a lawyer.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

arc31181 said:


> And this is why I feel trapped. I never said I wouldn't EVER leave, but I won't while the kids are still living here. 10 years until my youngest turns 18, then I might go. It just makes me sick to think about the fact that I'm going to continue wasting $$ that I've spent years working for, and wasting so much time/effort, just to keep her happy (which might be an impossible task anyways)... and then I'm gonna bail and have absolutely nothing to show for it. She can easily find some rich man that can take care of her, but what about me?
> 
> The ideal solution would be for her to just stop acting this way, but idk if that's ever gonna happen.


You're not helping your kids and there is no possible way you will make it another decade. You will be either flat broke or having a nervous breakdown, both which will hurt your kids.
It is impossible for kids to be happy in an unhappy marriage and they see and know more than you can imagine. I can't even fathom what another 10 years of this poison will do to them. Your wife will only get worse, not better.

If you can afford it, get out now and fight for joint custody.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

arc31181 said:


> She can easily find some rich man that can take care of her, but what about me?
> 
> The ideal solution would be for her to just stop acting this way, but idk if that's ever gonna happen.



And you could easily find a woman who respects you. 

The ideal solution does not appear to be in the cards. As other stated, the discontented marriage is as bad as separation when concerning the children. At this juncture, if you believe you have went down every avenue it would be best to consider D. I'll be honest, if you do not have a game plan together this will never work. 

You will never be happy spending your life appeasing this woman.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

With all due respect arc, staying in this awful situation for 10 more years isn't really a plan. I understand you don't want to leave while the kids are young, but this is an untenable situation for you and your kids. She holes up in her room all weekend watching Netflix... What message is she sending your kids? That TV is more important than they are?

And if you stay married for 10 more years, you'll end up paying a boatload of spousal support possibly for the rest of your life.

Why don't you consider some individual counseling for yourself? At the very least, if you're going to stay in this situation you need to establish firm boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate, and you need to start creating a fun life for you and your kids. Realistically though, I just don't see you see you being able to put up with this pressure cooker for 10 more years.

One more thing... You seem to think she would have no problem landing a "rich husband" if the two of you split. Honestly, what rich guy wants to marry a divorced nag with kids who holes up in her bedroom all day watching TV? And complains about money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

arc31181 said:


> The ideal solution would be for her to just stop acting this way, but idk if that's ever gonna happen.


It's not.

Separate the finances.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

I was doing the 180 6 months ago, my daughter's picked up on it real fast. 

You're not hiding anything from the kids or doing them any favors by sticking around.
Besides, you're still young, I was too old and toooooo many assets to loose.

Everything is good with us now, but, based on what you've written, I don't see your situation changing.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

arc31181 said:


> I’m not sure how to approach her about this, but I think it’s a little unfair that I’m expected to do my regular 9-6 “paid” work but also handle most of the household responsibilities.
> 
> *While you conceded in the beginning to do chores cuz you worked from home, she has abused the "honey to do list". Not happy with that she feels entitled to being a nag and a beach when you don't do as you are asked. Well, she will only get worse unless you stop being a doormat. Sorry, this is hurtful but none the less true.
> *
> ...



Try individual counseling and maybe later MC.


Best of luck with your entitled bully,

Bibi


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

arc31181 said:


> I am a married man (almost 13 years now) and started working from home several years ago. My wife commutes about 30-45 minutes each way to an “office job” but it’s also a flexible position and she is sometimes home after working 5-6 hours. *
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Sorry you are here -but this situation is ENTIRELY in your control. 

As for the Pool.......No.

New car .....No. 

Practice saying this NO NO NO NO. 

Separate the finances -you can do this quickly -without her even being the wiser. Then give her an allowance -weekly or monthly...your choice. The allowance should be reflective of her financial contribution to the family. ALL student loan payments come out of her contribution. You will need to lead. 

It sounds like your wife needs to learn how to live within her means. It will happen over time with your guidance. You will need to lead here. 

As for the house cleaning. Hire someone -you are paid for your time when you work -not when you are cleaning the house. Devoting that cleaning time to paid activity will more than pay for the cost of a cleaning crew a couple of times a week. 

When she decides to yell and get pissy. Just let her go off...stare at her...give her a little grin. Smile even...tell her she looks cute when she gets all upset. Practice your look of amusement. Take back control of what you can...which is your reaction to her.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

As someone who works from home, I have made it very clear that my office time is just that...not clean the house, do the laundry, or pay the bills time.

PS...we live within our means too, and if that means I have to skip my mani/pedi for the month, so be it.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> Sorry you are here -but this situation is ENTIRELY in your control.
> 
> As for the Pool.......No.
> 
> ...



100% in agreement!

Bibi


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

arc31181 said:


> I I don’t want my wife to be stressed and moody every evening, it really ruins the atmosphere for all of us


And therein lies your problem. You are afraid of an angry wife.

Until you can learn to ignore her anger, she will hold all of you hostage.

Read this book: No More Mr Nice Guy. It will explain why this is all happening and how you can stop it.

In the meantime, start picking little things to put your foot down about. "Honey, I'm working 60 hours a week. I will no longer be doing housework, laundry or any other chore during my working hours. Let alone moving furniture. You want it done? Ask some friends to come over and help you move it."


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

arc31181 said:


> and then I'm gonna bail and have absolutely nothing to show for it. She can easily find some rich man that can take care of her, but what about me?
> 
> The ideal solution would be for her to just stop acting this way, but idk if that's ever gonna happen.



Why do you care if she finds someone rich or not? She won't be your problem anymore. You can find yourself nice woman, who will respect you and won't be trying to convert you into ATM. Who will be responsible with the money, and join you in budgeting your spending.

She has selfish expectations, in terms of marriage and money. She does not care about your emotions, or the fact they you working hard to support family. She is financially irresponsible. She does not listen to you, or respect you. 

The fact that you gave up 'standing up for yourself, means that this is not right woman for you. There is no way for the two of you to communicate, and you will always have to give in and will end up in financial ruin if you let her get her way.

You need to do 180, big time.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My BPD-meter started clicking...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

arc31181 said:


> I’m not sure how to approach her about this, but I think it’s a little unfair that I’m expected to do my regular 9-6 “paid” work but also handle most of the household responsibilities. She believes that I shouldn’t have a problem doing this since I’m home almost every day, but it’s a lot of pressure to be honest. There are some things that I do every day, like make the bed, clean up the kitchen, sweep/vacuum the main room, take out trash, etc. But today, for example, she came home and said “oh, I really hoped you would have moved that furniture in the bedroom for me”. We are in the process of upgrading some furniture and last night she said she might want to rearrange a few things.


I too do all of the basic household chores during the day while working from 2 days a week, and believe it or not, I do not mind. The way I see it the time it takes me to run a load of laundry, or run the floor vac over the hardwood floors, or make the beds, or unload the dishwasher, or start cutting up vegetables needed for dinner, or....well you get the drift...is about equal (if not less) to the wasted minutes (sometimes hours) I spend at the office chit chatting with the boss/colleagues or being interrupted constantly with questions about projects - my office is lovingly known as Grand Central Station. I get waaay more work done at home than I do at the office, and I enjoy the added bonus of getting household chores done, which in turn means that I get to spend more Quality Time with my husband and family.

Having said that, my husband is VERY appreciative of my efforts but this hasn't always been the case. As typically happens in these types of situations, one partner ends up taking the other for granted. You have to nip this in the bud when it happens each and every time. When you feel you're being taken advantage of, tell her so. Tell her "No", with passion like you mean it, and be consistent about backing it up. Don't let her walk all over you.



arc31181 said:


> she’s the type of person who will walk in the door and start looking for things that are “wrong” before she does anything else. I just feel like I’m having to split my days between doing housework and corporate work, and on days when I’m particularly busy w/ corporate work, *I worry that she will get frustrated when she walks in the door.*


Why are you afraid of her? If she nit picks or becomes "frustrated" about something that was missed, then tell "you know, you're right. Here you go babe {hand her the rag/broom/vac/whatever}" and tell her you're obviously not qualified to do that job. It's now her freaking problem to deal with. 



arc31181 said:


> I don’t want my wife to be stressed and moody every evening, it really ruins the atmosphere for all of us (myself + 2 kids, ages 12 and 8), but that’s exactly what happens probably 3-4 days every week. She comes home in a terrible mood more often than not, yelling at everyone, being overly critical and making us all feel like we’ve done something terribly wrong. She also is very moody on the weekends and stays in our bedroom watching Netflix for the most part (and I don’t DARE interrupt her while she’s doing this… it doesn’t matter if she decides to watch TV for 8 hours straight, she will get completely annoyed if anyone even walks into the room while she’s watching her shows).


Do you understand that you are encouraging her behavior by not voicing your objections? I wonder what would happen if you told her you would henceforth reject her poor treatment of the family? 



arc31181 said:


> Honestly the only time she’s nice to me anymore is when she wants sex, which I rarely want anymore (not with her anyways… I know that sounds terrible, but it’s true… I don’t feel a strong connection with her anymore and can’t really get in the mood when we’re together)


Of course not. Emotional issues in a relationship usually result in a lack of sexual desire. Who the heck wants to have sex with someone who is constantly berating them.



arc31181 said:


> ....[Snip] Her anger and resentment towards me grows with each passing day, and will continue to grow until I’m wealthy enough to fund her ideal lifestyle… and until that day, I will be “punished” and expected to do 90% of the housework and expected to deal with her terrible moods.


All of the rest of your post about keeping up with the joneses and your wife wanting to retire from her job is just more fodder to the basic underlying issue you have with her. You are living in fear of your wife. In your effort to avoid angering your wife, you are teaching her that it's okay to treat you the way she does. This is like those parents who give their kids anything they want to avoid a temper tantrum. Instead of encouraging the children to work through their emotions in positive manner, they are actually rewarding the bad behavior - temper tantrums. 

Look, no one is forcing you accept her poor treatment, no one is forcing you to do 90% of the housework, and no one is forcing you to live outside your means. You may think your wife is forcing you but she's really not. You are an adult and have a voice. Use it to communicate with her about your unhappiness. If you don't speak up, how the heck is she expected to know what's going on in your mind.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your wife sounds like a spoilt brat. If she doesn't know how money is earned and spent then you have to sit her down and educate her. 
Draw up a spread sheet showing your monthly income and all the monthly outgoings for mortgage, education, groceries, etc. Then draw up the longer term expenditure such as another property, retirement funds, children's education, savings for the future, investments, holidays, her swimming pool etc. 
If a person does not deal with the family finances it is easy to see how they do not see the bigger picture. If she is aware of this, maybe she will be less demanding.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

arc31181 said:


> Also, becoming a leader means someone has to give up their position. My question is, how do you take control when the other party refuses to be controlled? Any tips/advice?


Leading is not controlling, unless you count controlling yourself. 

Leading is doing what is right and setting an example.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This is actually a fairly simple problem: Your wife doesn't respect you because you let her walk all over you.

If she is sane, you *may* be able to fix this by demonstrating to her that you won't allow that anymore. You can only do this by actions, not words, as she won't believe you.

But if she is BPD, which it sure sounds like from your description, then there is no reasoning with her. In that case, you must divorce her no matter what the cost. Otherwise, you will go insane from the abuse.

One point: do *NOT* tell her she is BPD even (especially) if you are sure she is. A BPD person will never accept that diagnosis without a tremendous amount of counseling first, and maybe not even then. If you are convince that she is BPD, the *only* solution is to get away from her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She sounds pretty unhappy, arc, maybe even depressed. 

Does she not want to work at all, or would she just enjoy getting out of education and trying a different field?

I totally agree with the others that you have to set financial boundaries and stick to them. We all need to live within our means if we want financial sanity.

For the rest, I think showing her some empathy could go a long way. Could you have told her you could move the furniture next weekend? And then made the commitment to do it? 

I agree that emotional connection is extremely important in marriage. To get that going, I think you are going to have to be the leader. And it is probably going to have to start with your reaching out and trying to understand her feelings, as unfair as that may seem.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Arc, sometimes the solution to a problem is something that we don't want to consider. From the sounds of your OP it sounds like you don't want to consider the real solution to your problem. This is especially true in relationships where it takes TWO people to make it work. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, the other person just isn't capable, or willing or able to reciprocate or compromise. It doesn't matter if you want the answer to five and you bring three to the equation. If the other variable is one or ten the answer will never be five. 
As others have stated, you sound like a Nice Guy. Read the No More Mister Nice Guy book and see if it applies to you. If you feel it does, start taking control of your life. As Dr Glover says in the book, the end result may not be what you set out to do (ie heal a relationship). It may in fact result in the polar opposite. But this is their decision and not yours. If you want to be happy, you need to make yourself happy. If your wife decides to jump on the Arc express for the ride, so be it. If she decides to check out at the next station, so be it. Either way, you make yourself happy.
As for your kids, also as others have said, your kids are smart. They can see what is happening. If you give them the example that being miserable is what a relationship is about, that is how they will be in their own. OTOH if you show them to stick up for themselves and act to make themselves happy, that is the example they will follow as well.
Your story sounds very similar to my own. I tried to go the route you have sketched out here (sticking it out),. It doesn't work. Eventually it will end. Mine did.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MarriedDude said:


> Sorry you are here -but this situation is ENTIRELY in your control.
> 
> As for the Pool.......No.
> 
> ...


MarriedDude, I think most everything you stated in your post is spot on, especially the part of taking control of his reaction to her. However, I have a different opinion on the bolded parts dealing with financials. 

I think it's fine to split the finances but I don't think it should be done behind her back. It encourages deceitfulness within the marriage. If a man is going to have the "cojones" to close accounts, move money around, and start doling out "allowances" to his financially contributing wife, then as the one leading this charge, he should do it transparently with her full and complete knowledge. IMO, this is what differentiates the leaders from the wannabes. Someone who makes the difficult decisions, honestly and genuinely, knowing that those decisions may not be looked upon favorably at the time.

I also don't agree with making his wife pay for her student loans with the following caveat: _as long as she continues to generate an income_. I say this as the wife of a man who accrued close to 60K in student loans. I write that check every month with a smile on my face because his education helps to afford us a nice living. It's just a part of being married. You share the good _and_ the bad.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Lila said:


> MarriedDude, I think most everything you stated in your post is spot on, especially the part of taking control of his reaction to her. However, I have a different opinion on the bolded parts dealing with financials.
> 
> I think it's fine to split the finances but I don't think it should be done behind her back. It encourages deceitfulness within the marriage. If a man is going to have the "cojones" to close accounts, move money around, and start doling out "allowances" to his financially contributing wife, then as the one leading this charge, he should do it transparently with her full and complete knowledge. *IMO, this is what differentiates the leaders from the wannabes. Someone who makes the difficult decisions, honestly and genuinely, knowing that those decisions may not be looked upon favorably at the time.*
> 
> ...


A leader has to be able to make a harsh call. I do not typically advocate taking a back-door position like this......HOWEVER -given what the OP described as his wife's financial issues----coupled with his current behavior towards her----the fait accompli is his best option..IMO 

As for her student loans -her reckless spending plans (pool, new car) when she is buried in student loan debt -plus she now wants to retire after a very brief career----she should become familiar with the LARGE payments. Her income making those payments will bring the families situation into crystal clarity for her. 

As for allowances...every family is different...in ours, we all have an allowance...both my wife and myself. Those funds can be used for whatever the possessor desires....they are doled out AFTER all other payables have been met. 

In this situation -I don't think the OP is really up for or ready for the Leadership that is required -so it will be baby steps till he gets there. If he has to be slightly opaque in his actions, till they get to a point of understanding -so be it. He is taking the long view for his entire family, while it sounds like his wife is not.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You need to make clear that your working hours are your working hours and completely separate from everything else.

You also need to make clear that she took out massive student loans to get her degree so she could work. Now, she needs to work at least until she has her student loans paid off.

Tell her very clearly that there will be no more talk of cars or pools until those loans have been paid off. Once the loans are handled, you'll have more money in the budget to rapidly save for a pool or a new car.

Get her on a budget and stick to it. If she gives you grief about it then separate your finances. If she digs herself a hole, don't pull her out. Make her be financially responsible with some tough love if necessary.

I'd also suggest writing up a chores list and assigning chores based on whatever system works for you. I rotate the chores so that no one gets stuck on the same chore forever. Between you, your wife, and the kids there is no reason chores should be an issue.

That all said.... Why? Staying because of the kids is a bad move. If you wait 10 more years, you're going to lose so much more financially. Especially if she quits working.

If you're going to get out, get out now. You'll be much better off in terms of asset division, alimony, and child support if she's employed and she'll be in a better position to take care of herself on her own. This translates to being in a better position to co-parent the kids and in a better position to help the kids financially in the long term.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Years ago, about your age, I had the opportunity to work from home 2 days a week.

So I gave it a go. And rapidly discovered that for my stay at home wife "working from home" meant "babysit the kids, run them back and forth to school, run errands, clean the house, and cook dinner."

So I stopped working from home.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

marduk said:


> Years ago, about your age, I had the opportunity to work from home 2 days a week.
> 
> So I gave it a go. And rapidly discovered that for my stay at home wife "working from home" meant "babysit the kids, run them back and forth to school, run errands, clean the house, and cook dinner."
> 
> So I stopped working from home.


MMMMMMM...working from home


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

arc31181 said:


> And this is why I feel trapped. I never said I wouldn't EVER leave, but I won't while the kids are still living here. 10 years until my youngest turns 18, then I might go. It just makes me sick to think about the fact that I'm going to continue wasting $$ that I've spent years working for, and wasting so much time/effort, just to keep her happy (which might be an impossible task anyways)... and then I'm gonna bail and have absolutely nothing to show for it. She can easily find some rich man that can take care of her, but what about me?
> 
> The ideal solution would be for her to just stop acting this way, but idk if that's ever gonna happen.


 Friend. Your fault. You give an inch and she wants a foot, you give a foot and she wants a mile. Your problem is that you refuse to draw a line in the sand and until you do then your going to get bullied into oblivion.

If your going to wait for your youngest to turn 18 in 10 years then when that time comes, your going to be flat broke and be living on the street.

Time to put the big boy pants on, take charge of the situation and let her know that if she isn't happy then take it someplace else. Let her know that if she wants to spend all her money she earns and then reach for yours is over and if she gets pissed then let her. What the hell she' holed up in the bedroom watching netflixs anyhow. 

Stop rolling over and being her door mat and make your stance known and don't budge. She's either going to realize that her screaming isn't working any longer or she'll leave. Take charge of the finances and save your wallet because I think in the long run your going to need a lawyer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My brother's friend was married to your wife. By the time he divorced her when the DD was about 15, he worked a full-time professional job, he threw newspapers 365/year, he delivered pizzas, and he did some other job, which I forget what it was. While she did nothing and kept spending more money than he earned. All because he was afraid of her anger. 

Then he divorced and met and married a wonderful woman and they're blissfully happy.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

arc31181 said:


> I wish it was that simple. For years I was assertive and stood up to her, and that always resulted in the most terrible fights. We separated a few times, once for 2 months and it was horrible. I felt so bad for the kids, they really wanted me to be home. I came back for them, not necessarily for her. My wife behaved herself for a while but then fell right back into her old ways.
> 
> At this point I don't fight back a lot because I know exactly how it's going to end. She's the type who is never wrong, and nobody can tell her otherwise. That's why counseling failed miserably every time we tried it (my suggestion). She would start to hold a grudge against the counselor and felt like everyone was picking on her, and then at some point she would refuse to continue going to sessions.



it's a long battle of attrition.

i watched my grandma and granpa, and then my mom and dad go through it. both my granpa and dad were strong, assertive men.
they were accomplished men that were gentle and loving but were 'old' school head of the house hold types that were not afraid to make set boundaries and keep them.

but my grandma and mom are stubborn, headstrong and tough willed women. they would constantly 'butt' heads with their husbands. they were very demanding and critical at times.

eventually after decades, both my granpa and dad felt beat down. ever felt like 'i don't want to fight anymore, i just want some peace!'. try that with someone that is not afraid to go off, and strong willed and has the endurance to outlast you.

even a strong man will eventually succumb, wave the white flag and surrender. my granpa and dad did.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's true, but nowadays, we have so much more at our disposal, knowledge and therapy and tried and true solutions that can CHANGE a marriage for the better, so that both people are at peace and happy with the equilibrium. You just have to decide to avail yourself of it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

turnera said:


> That's true, but nowadays, we have so much more at our disposal, knowledge and therapy and tried and true solutions that can CHANGE a marriage for the better, so that both people are at peace and happy with the equilibrium. You just have to decide to avail yourself of it.


Nowadays, we also have no fault divorce. Because, frankly, all the knowledge and therapy in the world won't change a person who doesn't see anything wrong with themselves and doesn't want to change.


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