# I want out and want peace, we both cheated, trying to work it out for the children



## savannah7172 (Nov 12, 2015)

We've been married 13 yrs, 2 daughters 9&11. We moved to his hometown after we married (my choice and I wouldn't trade it for the world). It's a very small town (pop about 3500). His family has morphed into what we would all consider more my family than his. His mother, besides my children, is everything to me and, as my H puts it would lay down her life for me, and I would do the same for her. We are an extremely close nit family of aunts, cousins who all have children the same ages that are best friends. My husband and I are polar opposites. I am extremely outgoing and he is very closed off and hates going to any social functions that we are always invited to or help put on. I am very involved in a lot of town social groups, worked for one of the only two attorneys here who also happened to be H's best friend and drinking buddy before my boss sobered up, and can honestly say I pretty much know 99% of the people here. My mother hated my husband but put a smile on and rolled with it because he is the father of her grandchildren. She passed away a few years ago leaving my Dad. 
Now that you know all that, here are the gory details that have transpired the past 6 months. I was involved with my boss/h's bff for over 7 years of the 12 that I worked for him. It evolved into the kind of relationship where we planned that when all the children were older, like in college, we would divorce our spouses and be together. Our children were all best friends too. His wife found a text conversation between us and sent it to my husband and I confessed to my husband that I was having an affair. I quit my job of course and my husband and I began counselling with a christian counselor who we love. She opened our eyes to all the different aspects of why it happened, how, that my husband has cheated on me 3 times, etc. Now, my husband is a "functioning alcoholic" and when he is sober things are good. When at night things have been so horrible with all the fighting and him name calling and our children hearing it all because they hide in the hallway listening to all the ugly details of what Mom did with a man they considered another dad to them...over and over and over for 6 months. the other h and w are divorcing. She took her kids and left and blocked my children from any communication with their children/bff's. Note that she is still in the closet so to speak. I don't say that out of petty anger or jealousy. I've known her since we were sorority sisters in college and we all knew then. Of course there was a huge scandal in town and has since died down. Things got bad enough with my spouse and the name calling a few weeks ago that I asked for a divorce and took our kids and went to his mothers. We reconciled the next day and agreed that if he ever yelled or name called again then he would leave and the kids and i could have the house. I have opened up full access of my whole life and world to him and he takes full advantage of checking through everything on my phone, computer, etc. which I don't mind. He has every right. He is very emotionally abusive and always has been to the point that most everyone wonders why I have stayed as long as I have. Answer: our children and his mother. Now our children want us to divorce because they are so tired of all the arguing and how hateful daddy talks to mama when he's drunk every night. H's mother also knows pretty much what all happens behind closed doors and has said we could always find refuge at her house to keep gossip down on the bad nights. She doesn't know the truth, nor anyone else in his family, just that there was an inappropriate text and that was it. His family has stood behind me, sheltered me, supported me, etc. The problem is I am exhausted of the constant emotional abuse, manipulations when I do get the courage to leave and get sucked back in with all the "don't do this to me, the kids, my mom. If you love him then go because I want you to be happy and I trust him with my life with our kids and know he would be the only other person I'd trust to raise our kids. But don't do this to me. Please let me help you make it right again. don't string me along and make a fool out of me by waiting until his divorce is final and then leaving me for him because that's what everyone in town is saying and everyone in town thinks y'all should be together. I know he was your best friend and you were his. I know you loved him and how much he loves you because he told me and how much he loves our children. Wait, please don't do leave me. You have no idea how much I love you." For 14 years I walked on egg shells never knowing if I was coming home to Dr. Jekyl or Mr. Hyde because my H has serious insecurity issues, is a narcissist, a manipulative person that can sell you a bottle of mayo for $1000.00, and make you feel like you are the lowest of low pond scum and extremely intimidating. This was always how he treated me before I began to have an affair and now it's just a toss up as to one day he is an absolute dream come true husband and father and other days he is just a mean emotional drunk calling me vulgar names and throwing my phone and telling the kids what a bad mama they have and do they want us to divorce. They love their daddy, but they do not want us together and are as tired of all this as I am. My question is how do i leave when I have hurt him terribly and he deserves the best of me, he only recently decided that he loved me to begin with because God forbid he ever say it to me before the affair, and now he just sucks me back in to staying by the manipulation of how broken his heart is and how much he loves me and can't live without me, and then how do I divorce him and still have a relationship with his mother who is my mother, and she knows I would never put her in the middle of it because that is her only son. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IT, since my mother is gone and would have been here packing me up and walking me through this storm until things were settled down.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Holy crap. Just freaking divorce already.

Both of you are too broken to be married, at least to each other.

Oh, and confess your affair to his family. If you don't tell them, he will.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This was a bit hard to follow.
Is he abusive because you cheated, or did you cheat becuase he was abusive?
And he cheated on you 3 times? Of is that some bunk made up by the counselor suggesting things he did were equivalent to your 7 year affair with his best friend.

It seems to me that you expect alot of a man you cheated on for 7 years with his best friend.


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Divorce. That is the ONLY answer. God help the kids...dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Wow.. Tons of justifications in this story. Sounds like a typical cheater to me. You own your stuff and he owns his. That's how it works. It's not 'he's a jerk and he owns my cheating'. Should be he's a cheating jerk and I am a long term lying adulterer/side piece home wrecker.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I'm sorry to say but you sound like an awful person. How could you have a long term affair, fully plan to use you H as a provider and father, but decide to fall in love with someone else and PLAN to abandon you H after he is used up.

Sorry but that's pathetic.

IF and I do mean IF H is anything like you've said he's a piece of sh*t too. But I can't tell because you are obviously a very good liar. Could also be you undermined and abused him for so many years, going so far as to turn his own family against him. You say he's jealous? Begay wouldn't he be.

Get your head straight first and own your own sh*t THEN figure out what's true about him. Wow...


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Too much has pass happened. You cheated for 7 years with his BF, he is an abusive drunk. Your children's life is being affected and that should be your number1 priority. 

Your husband is looking to save face with in society, that is why he does not want you to go. You are trying to hold on to his family because they are all you have and have come to love. None of these are reasons to stay married. 

Will he stop drinking and be verbally abusive, I don't think so. He is waiting on you to come home, then, he will make your life a living nightmare. Then, he will tell his family about your affair with his bf. Whose side do you think they will take then? Then, the whole town is going to hear about it. Bed of thorns, mi dear.

Think about your daughters, what kind of example are you setting for them. You cheated on your marriage. You stayed with an abusive drunk. Now they have to listen to all the vile details. Tell me what are you going to do to make sure these kids stop suffering? 

Note, I am just thinking about the kids. As adults you can fu*k up your life as you want. But your kids are something else. You don't get to mess up their lives.


.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I don't think either of you Aretha king of the kids. And whatever hurt felt things H is saying seem tone mostly true and are things others in a small town will be saying.

Are you sure these are H's kids? Because that is what others will be asking. If you're sure you can do s paternity test to show H and have available when the family starts to wonder.

Not a pretty situation.

Also please don't be scared away from TAM just because we're blunt. Get all the perspectives you can to do the best by your kids.

Good luck - it will take fortitude to weather this regardless of what you decide. If you chose the honest, open, humble choices - no matter how hard they appear - you will be teaching your kids to confront their problems in life. That's the best lesson a parent can provide. You both f'd ip royally - own up to it and work your way out of it - and demonstrate strong character to your kids. 

BTW if they want you to divorce because of dads rants then you have lied to them too and are undermining dad which is awful. You should come clean with them and tell them you made horrible mistakes that are causing dad immeasurable pain and you need to make up for your own mistakes too.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've learned over the years that people who make decisions based on 'love' usually end up regretting it because there is frankly SO much more to life than just the love stuff. There is integrity. There's being able to look people in the eyes. There's owning your stuff by being 100% honest, always. There's putting your kids' well-being ahead of your own because, well, they are kids and depend on you. There's being a better role model for your kids because it's that model that's going to determine whether they get to grow up choosing healthy relationships or damaged ones like their parents.

In other words, for once, choose integrity. Tell your MIL and anyone else involved the truth. Own your horrible actions, apologize, and vow to make up for it every day for the rest of your life. Then divorce your husband and let him stay in the kids' lives if he/they want. Then STAY AWAY FROM YOUR OM. For good. ANY relationship you have with him is tainted, cursed, and doomed to bring pain down on you AND your kids.


----------



## savannah7172 (Nov 12, 2015)

I appreciate all of your feedback. The negative, the ones that sting to read because they are reality and the ones who were positive. I agree 100% with every one's thoughts about me as a person. I live with the same thoughts of myself every minute of every day, which I agree I deserve to do and will for the rest of my life. I have come to terms with what I have done to everyone involved and feel like I own my deception, hurt, lies and shortcomings. I want to say that in no way was I trying to justify, as a typical cheater, why I betrayed my spouse or that he is a horrible person. I made that horrible choice as a selfish person and it was one of the worst things i could ever do to anyone and yes it speaks volumes as to what kind of person I truly am inside. I'm trying to change that about myself. 

I wanted to also clear up the fact that I do not depend on him financially for anything and never have. We both support our household and I work too. I was offered several different jobs and accepted a new job the week after all of this happened, which pays as much as my H makes. 

The only reason that I mentioned that he cheated 3 times with random people in this town, some of whom are my children's friends mothers who are single, is so you would understand that I have as much fault in all this before my affair. I don't hold it against the women really. They were just as wrong to have an affair with a married man, however, if he was going to cheat and I was going to cheat, then there were obviously issues in our marriage that I was not addressing on my part nor was he, and these women didn't come crawling to him, and I now have no right to hold that against him or them. 
He was also involved with another girl for years while I was pregnant with both of our children and were planning on him leaving me for her until she ended it for another man she was also having an affair with. I knew it but never addressed it with him because life was too busy to be worried about it with a newborn child, work and a dying mother that I was tending to and besides, he stayed, so i just pushed it aside and went on with life. 

I was only trying to give a glimpse into our life over the past 14 years and apologize for not making any sense to you all. He admitted to all of his affairs in counselling to me, but did make the statement that it is fine for him to do that, but not what I did to him. On one hand I agree that my deception was far more emotionally hurtful and devastating, on the other hand it can be seen as a double standard. 

I haven't turned his family against him and haven't ever said a bad thing about him to anyone in his family. As far as they know or anyone else, he is an angel in my opinion to his family and the general public. His mother knows because our children have told her what all happens and what all is said when we argue. When she asks about it I tell her that I don't want to put her in that position by telling her all the details of the latest argument because that is her child and no matter how much she loves me, that is her son and I know where my heart stands with my own children and i don't want her to ever feel like she has to take sides. 

As I stated earlier, he is, by nature and circumstances surrounding his life growing up, a very suspicious, jealous, glass half empty, hard, the world is out to get him person that most who don't know him think he is a total jack a$$, who once you really get to know him you get why he is the way he is and discover that even though he is extremely uncomfortable showing love or affection, he has a gigantic heart and would do anything in this world for anyone and absolutely would give his life for his children and we go out of our way to ensure that they have everything they need and want within reason. I knew this when I married him and he knew me...at least to a certain degree. We were 35 &40 when we married and sometimes we agree that we married because we were getting older and enjoyed each other, but was it really love. We have grown to love each other through good times and bad, deaths, financial hardships and being on top of the world. 

I quit drinking when I was pregnant with the first child that we lost at 32 weeks and then became pregnant with our oldest shortly thereafter. I am a not able to handle alcohol and raising children. i don't mind him drinking and never expected him to give it up just because I couldn't handle it. i do have a drink every now and then. He admits he is a functioning alcoholic who doesn't remember the things he says to me when he is angry. I neglected to mention that I have told him, i mean it, and I do listen to everything he says to me, calls me, let him get angry and vent because I do deserve everything he says and feels. On the other hand, honestly there is only so much demeaning and belittlement that one person can take and only so much we can argue before we completely screw up our children's lives and how the will be in their marriages. We talk to them about it. We tell them that mom and dad are trying very hard, and it is normal to have disagreements in marriages, but we want them to also understand that we want more for them when they marry and that what mom and dad are going through is not what any relationship should be like, but we are trying to get through it. 

I apologize for not being more clear on some of these things. i am certainly not the greatest wife on earth and have had my share of failing our marriage by being too scared to ever discuss what I felt was wrong with us and found it easier to just give in to how he felt things should be than to be his wife and friend and do what it took to make our marriage affair proof. My issue is at this point is that 1/2 of me wants to stay and work through this with him, but the other 1/2 of me wants out, for our children's sanity and emotional well being, his sanity and my sanity.


----------



## savannah7172 (Nov 12, 2015)

Thank you for everything you just said! Yes they are his children....they are the spitting image of him and the affair started 3 years after our youngest was born. I have told the girls several times after arguments when getting them to bed that this is completely all of mom's fault and that mom has hurt daddy terribly and they need to hang in there and give daddy the benefit of the doubt because his reactions and emotions are completely normal right now and we are doing our best to work past all of this. They are aware that we go to counselling, have actually been to two sessions with us and met our counselor. they weren't involved in the session. we happened to have made those appointments on the same days that we picked them up from summer camp and our counselor was on our way back. 

I assure you that I agree with all the feedback, good and bad. I think it about myself all the time. i knew to expect backlash and can certainly appreciate and accept it. It stings, but the backlash is just the truth being spoken.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Lost my post...

That was very honest - it normally takes several pages to get to this point.

I see you have issues, H has issues, marriage has issues. All separate but also intertwined.

Maybe just keep posting - one issue at a time - as a way to organize your thoughts.

Re the alcoholism - you can't fix that and if he isn't actively in treatment that alone would be a deal breaker for me.

Counciling is key here. We're anonymous so dump your thoughts here and see what you get back. Maybe H should separately post also in his own threads.

I know you came here looking for ways out... IDK what to say about that.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stop telling your daughters that this is all your fault. It isn't. Their dad is a serial cheater who doesn't love their mom and they need to understand that NEITHER of you is perfect. My dad cheated, was an ass, but my mom never told me the truth - just said that he wanted a SAHM and she wasn't willing to give up her career to be one. I didn't find out til I was 50 about all his cheating and trashy ways. So I had grown up believing that moms had to give in, in order to keep their men. So I did. And had a miserable life. Once I found out, at age 50, that he had tried to come back shortly after cheating and leaving and that she had said 'hell no,' it completely changed my opinion. If I'd known the truth in my teens, I would have been a stronger, healthier woman. But she didn't tell me because she didn't want me to think badly of my dad. Big mistake, as I then had to learn through a series of his POS actions that he WAS someone to think badly of, and I got my heart broken several times.

Tell your girls the truth. They NEED to know so they can form their own belief system.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Wow, your life is a royal mess. Your poor kids. You really need to end the marriage. It was wrong from the get go. You did get something beautiful from it, your girls. With that gift you also have great responsibility. Go to IC for you to be a better mom. Your girls need that. Not all is lost, just your awful marriage. 

Work on you and leave the dysfunctional marriage. If you still want your husband in your life, then date him. Please let go of your affair partner. He is not worth those 7 years you dedicated to him. You both used each other. Do not allow to get used again by anyone!

You are so right. You deserve peace, but your children deserve it more as they are the only truly innocent in this whole sham of a marriage.

Best of luck and keep posting. You did some terrible things and some terrible things were done to you. But change will come and you will be healthy and stronger. You are just human as your husband and OM are. Humans make terrible mistakes, it's learning from them, that makes us better human beings.

Stay strong, you are that for sure. You take the good and the bad and you are not defensive. I have to work on that!

I admire that in you. Keep going, you will come out better after you find that peace away from both of these toxic men in your life.

(((hugs)))

Bibi


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I don't think you can save this marriage. My reason being that you and your husband have no love and respect for each other. So why try to save it.

If you are going to say for the girls. Don't. This marriage is beyond toxic. You should have left years ago.

Your functional alcoholic husband is only going to become a "non-functional" alcoholic. This between you two will only get worst, none of the two of you have any boundaries. You have no love. No respect. 

You have to protect your girls. The moves you make now will determine what kind of women they will become. It's going to affect them as they grow. Their self esteem will be broken down. Your girls are going to grow up fearing their father. 

In saving your girls, you might end up saving your husband. If he loses everything he might learn how to be a better man and father. He might learn to respect himself. 

Grow and learn from your mistakes. Make sure in the future you honor yourself. Protect the future of your children. Their are precious and we only have a limit amount of time to mold them.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

What kind of mayo?

Also, you talk very lovingly of this OM still.
Do you still pine for him?


----------



## savannah7172 (Nov 12, 2015)

The truth hurts and everyone else: thank you again. Composing my thoughts separately would definitely help you all in helping me and help me help myself, so here goes with one thought/major fear:

I do not want to go back to my hometown (1:45 mins away) and uproot my children from their support system and friends here. I don't think I would find a job as great as the one I have now either. I also do not want to leave my support system and friends that have become irreplaceable to me. I know not everyone here will support me, but the majority of people and friends would. I just get queezy thinking about divorcing and moving my children out of their home and starting over, then I have days where I want that peace so bad. I've hurt him so bad that I have a hard time bringing myself to actually leave unless it's a bad night where he is throwing my phone, or saying I make him sick and to get out of his house, or telling me to go put the kids in their room and for me to go take a shower and shave my privates (except he uses the P word infront of the children) and then when he gets ready he will come to the bedroom and i am going to swallow his &***&*&( like I did my OM. Those are the nights when I pack up and the girls and I go spend the night with his mother. And then we decide to divorce the next morning and by that afternoon he is extremely remorseful after I tell him what he said to me with the kids listening and then I end up staying. I am so screwed up and I guess the true fear is 1. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have and 2. I am terrified of losing his mother. we depend on each other for so much. She depends on me to get her to her dr. appointments out of town and to take her shopping when she needs to buy gifts, etc., even though we bought her a car and we pay the ins. and gas and i give her an extra $1,000.00 to help her financially and anytime I have extra I give it to her. She keeps our kids every day after school and my H travels for a living and is gone 2-3 days a week on the road. Generally when he gets home after being gone is when he has an episode. Also, on top of the drinking, he is on testosterone therapy which I have heard can possibly cause aggressive behavior. I haven't noticed any changes other than he is extremely irritated at night since starting the treatment, but keeps his temper to a minimum because of the agreement we made not to go there in front of the kids again. I feel 100% certain I am doing the right thing and feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders when I do leave on those bad nights, but once I hear from him I cave. WTH is wrong with me and why can't i just grow some balls and leave and give my children a better example? I pray about it all day every day. What do i do? what is the right thing to do? How do I find the nerve to go through with this or stay in counseling when everything she tells us to do, we try, take one step forward and then 2 steps back every week?


----------



## savannah7172 (Nov 12, 2015)

@ keepin my head up, blue plate  only blue plate!

I have days where i pine for OM terribly and I know he is there waiting to find out if I am going to leave or stay and fighting for custody of his children who want to live with him and I want to run and all of his family wants me to run to him and all my friends want me to run to him and can't understand why I haven't left H years ago, then I have days when I think I can make it work with H and not have to change anything other than working on bettering our marriage and doing right by each other and our children, then I have days when I just don't want anyone but me and my children...to be able to go home and help with homework, not worry about dinner, not worry about if i don't pay all my attention to H then he will get irritated and start in on me, be able to watch what we want on tv or read if we want and go to bed at a decent hour without H coming to our rooms getting our phones and going through them and quizzing us about do ya'll want mama and daddy to get a divorce and none of us have to walk on egg shells all night when H is home and we can breath, so to speak. See, I am one screwed up individual. a poster child for Co-Dependents worldwide!


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Divorce but don't run to other dude. It wouldn't last anyway, I promise. Start your life over today!!!! Do something right for your children. Are you on any psyche meds? Specifically any SSRIs or Benzos? DUDE


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

savannah7172 said:


> @ keepin my head up, blue plate  only blue plate!
> 
> I have days where i pine for OM terribly and I know he is there waiting to find out if I am going to leave or stay and fighting for custody of his children who want to live with him and I want to run and all of his family wants me to run to him and all my friends want me to run to him and can't understand why I haven't left H years ago, then I have days when I think I can make it work with H and not have to change anything other than working on bettering our marriage and doing right by each other and our children, then I have days when I just don't want anyone but me and my children...to be able to go home and help with homework, not worry about dinner, not worry about if i don't pay all my attention to H then he will get irritated and start in on me, be able to watch what we want on tv or read if we want and go to bed at a decent hour without H coming to our rooms getting our phones and going through them and quizzing us about do ya'll want mama and daddy to get a divorce and none of us have to walk on egg shells all night when H is home and we can breath, so to speak. See, I am one screwed up individual. a poster child for Co-Dependents worldwide!


Only YOU can stop the drama. Your children are going to grow up so messed up. If you can't stop this for you, you need to do it for them. You need a place of your own with your girls and only with your girls. Give them the peace they deserve. 

Stop going to counseling jointly. It's not working. Go to individual counseling. OM was a mistake no matter how true the feelings for one another are. It started wrong and it will end just as wrong as your marriage. You need serious work on YOU.

You need it for your girls more than for you at this point. They are learning from your terrible mistakes. You need to change this yesterday. 

Live alone with them in order to get your head straight. You don't have to divorce, you don't have to change your new job, you don't have to move cities yet or hopefully never. You do have to create a haven for you and your babies!

You have been sucked in drama too long. You are having a difficult time letting go of the mess, but you just gotta.

Can you move in with your mother in law on a somewhat permanent basis? Let's say 6 months to a year. You may see how peaceful it is living with people that get along just fine and no drama is involved. If the town you live in is small, your mother in law knows your awful truth even if you haven't told her. Your husband has spilled the beans, he can't help himself when he is an abusive drunk.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Grew up on Blue Plate -- switched to Hellman's as an adult. 

Yours is one of the messier stories I've read. The damage being done to your children is obviously huge. The question is will it be more damaging or less damaging to them if you stay together (I'm not a fan of only staying for the children since my mother did it for me and I did it for my son -- neither situation turned out well). 

Can your husband quit drinking and recover from this? Is that what you really want?


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Well perhaps you can move to separation and get your own apartment, insulating the kids from the drama while maintaining their social contacts

OM is probably an escape to some extent... I would create distance and try to see how you fare as a single "whole" person.

One step at a time


----------



## savannah7172 (Nov 12, 2015)

Dude0047, I have been on Wellbutrin XR for exactly one year and have a 3 month RX for Xanax that I have taken a total of 7 (1/2 pill at a time) during the first few weeks after confessing. The Wellbutrin was prescribed to help me quit smoking and to help with extreme exhaustion from a lot of emotional and physical trauma last year. One of our daughters who had to have multiple repair surgeries from the end of september 2014 with the final surgery over Easter weekend 2015 to remove all the pins, screws and plate due to a broken leg from a school accident and H had to have surgery in Dec and was immobile and unable to physically help with our daughter and I was having to go once a month for a lump in my breast that is being watched and had to eventually have surgery to remove the lump, so MIL and I were tending to the H and DD and I was back and forth to dr appts and surgeries and follow up appts with them and myself and then work on top of my boss having daily meltdowns in tears wanting to know if I could leave H, etc and how he loved me, etc and I was just a little overwhelmed so my OBGYN put me on the wellbutrin and xanax as needed at my yearly appt. It helps and I'm not one that wants to take meds daily to cope. I'm not saying people don't need it, obviously some of us do, my H takes 2 Klonopin daily for anxiety and has for years, it's just not something I feel like I need or should need. I feel like I should be able to deal with life and all its ups and downs without being zoned out and don't give a rats a$$ about anything like 1/2 xanax makes me. thats just me. if someone needs it then I am all for it and am certainly not going to judge anyone for it. My mother was a rx pill junkie at the end of her life due to her disease and watching her die and watching her live through the addictions I guess it what makes me not want to take meds. But, i do realize that at the time in my life, I probably need to be on something and the wellbutrin seems to help.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

savannah7172 said:


> I was involved with my boss/h's bff for over 7 years of the 12 that I worked for him.


:wtf:



savannah7172 said:


> PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IT


GET A DIVORCE.

YOUR LOVER BOY IS AN ATTORNEY SO HE COULD PROBABLY YOUR PAPERWORK FOR FREE.... ITS THE LEAST HE COULD DO AFTER FVCKING YOU FOR *SEVEN* YEARS AND STABBING HIS BEST FRIEND IN THE BACK.


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Ok my friend, you really need to buckle down and only think of your kids. Don't worry about the OM, I can tell you he is trouble and if he is crying he is a real loser. Please start yours and your daughters life over today. Don't do anything else to harm them. Give your H and the OM the finger and heal yourself. They are both wrecking you emotionally. Then get away from the meds too cuz they will wreck as well long term. Does this make sense? DUDE


----------



## savannah7172 (Nov 12, 2015)

@ the truth hurts, I actually began to distance myself from OM last week and blocked him on my phone. the only communication we are able to have at this time is through mutual friends, gossip my H hears, or his new secretary. My god mother told me last week "you know how your family and I feel about H and wish you had not married him to begin with, but, if you really want to try to make this work then how do you expect him to take steps outside his comfort zone to try and repair the damage and give the emotional attention and support he was neglecting and withholding and his addiction to alcohol and you can't even give up your addiction?" made absolute perfect sense to me so from that moment on I closed off direct contact with him and I have asked my friends to just not tell me anything for the time being. I don't want to hear how he is just pitiful without me, how much he says he loves me and prays I'll come home to him one day, how he will do everything in his power to make me, my children adn his children happy and give us a happy loving life. Thats what I get a lot from everyone. that does not help at all, so I cut it off.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Also, you talk very lovingly of this OM still.


I noticed that too.... very chipper for someone who just destroyed two families.

I feel so sorry for the children.


----------



## savannah7172 (Nov 12, 2015)

@Betrayed dad, duly noted, innuendo to how I was used is also duly noted and the undertone of my lack of care and concern for my H and family and OM family are recognized. You have every right to feel like you do towards people like me if you are a betrayed spouse. I am sorry. Feel free to vent on me all you need to. as i said before, I deserve it, and if it helps you in any way, shape, form or fashion then fire away! And if you need to ask me anything from my side then I'll be glad to share with you my thoughts from a bad person, betraying liar, bad mother, inconsiderate selfish person's thoughts about what I was thinking when I was in the affair if it would help you. If not and you just need to emotionally vomit your anger and disgust for people like me, on me then I'm here and feel free to just do it.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Wholey crapola dear! You just can't live alone without a man in your life no matter how toxic. You just have been a week without the other man whom you have been using as a crutch for seven long years. No wonder you feel like you love him. It's too soon to not feel it. You do have serious issues with co-dependency. You need to be Working on fixing those fast. Your children need years of therapy too. You probably needed professional help in your youth or teens but neglected that need.

No wonder your life is a mess. When the tough got going like all the ailments, it is absolutely possible that you just got more sucked into the affair. You want to help everyone and lose yourself in the process. The thing is that by doing this, you are neglecting your children's well being. They are really the only ones you need to sacrifice for. They are going to need their mom for a long time. 

OM is not the answer. He is using you as a crutch. He will bleed you dry. Your husband will too. You can't afford to give of yourself anymore. 

I don't even know how you are still sane; maybe you are not all there though. You are extremely strong. Crazy strong. Are you very stubborn by nature? That might be why you are still standing tall and accepting how messed up you are. Your strength will only last so long with all that is on your overflowing plate.

Whew, just listening to your life makes my head spin.


----------



## savannah7172 (Nov 12, 2015)

@Openminded, My H is unwilling to stop drinking. He doesn't see it as a problem. He only see's that he does his job, and does it extremely well, provides well for his family and works his tail off from 8-5 and at 5:01 he is going to have his drinks because it is not affecting his work or tearing his family apart in his eyes. That is partly my fault too because I've always been to scared to tell him how his children hate that their daddy is a drunk and it embarrasses them when their friends spend the night and how I would give my right arm for him to be sober because life is so much easier, comfortable and I can actually talk honestly to him when he is sober. As said to me above, I can't make him change, at least that anyway, I tried years ago when the girls were babies to leave and came home because he said he would quit drinking. That lasted just long enough or should i say he thought he was hiding it well enough until my mother died about 8 years ago and i was busy with her estate and heartbroken that I didn't even bother with going there again. I just ignored it and life went on. 
@Dude007 that makes complete sense. 
@Betrayed dad, you are right, my undertone about OM sounds quite chipper given the damage I have caused to two families. i apologize for that. I don't mean to sound like i think any of this is funny, i just wanted everyone to know the whole story so you all can tell me exactly what you think, what you think of me, what is going through my H's heart and mind and give suggestions on what you all feel people in my circumstances should do and force me to look in the mirror at the cold hard truth and quit hiding behind the falsehood that I am doing ok by my children, not great by my children because I know I've screwed them up in all kinds of different ways with this, but I need the mask to come off and accept what it is I need to do and grow up and do it. I need to hear it from you all and I need to get over the fear by sharing with you all and hopefully that and continuing to see my counselor alone for my own personal issues, and maybe get my girls into counseling as well, will get me to where I need to be emotionally so I can give everyone the life they deserve.


----------



## savannah7172 (Nov 12, 2015)

@Bibi1031 your right i probably did need counselling as a child/teen/young adult. My home and family was not one to ever argue or fight. i always feared if I fought then that meant the end. Why, I have no idea. my parents didn't fight. they weren't perfect but my childhood was a pretty good one. Anyway, no I am not stubborn. I am and have always been pretty much the doormat, cower to what everyone else wants, the follower, in the "in crowd" but when I had children life seemed to change for me in that sense and I would walk through fire and hell for my children no matter how much I have to carry on my shoulders. That being said, that's how i feel in my heart about my daughters, I just have to actually put my actions where my words and love is.


----------



## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Well, I think your h could be reeling from the combination of testosterone supplementation, Klonopin, and alcohol. It sounds like his whole body and mind are at war with themselves.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

savannah7172 said:


> @Betrayeddad, duly noted, innuendo to how I was used is also duly noted and the undertone of my lack of care and concern for my H and family and OM family are recognized. You have every right to feel like you do towards people like me if you are a betrayed spouse. I am sorry. Feel free to vent on me all you need to. as i said before, I deserve it, and if it helps you in any way, shape, form or fashion then fire away! And if you need to ask me anything from my side then I'll be glad to share with you my thoughts from a bad person, betraying liar, bad mother, inconsiderate selfish person's thoughts about what I was thinking when I was in the affair if it would help you. If not and you just need to emotionally vomit your anger and disgust for people like me, on me then I'm here and feel free to just do it.


Please don't be sorry.... My exspouse did me a favor because after dumping her like I did I now see her for he scumbag she is. I'm much happier without her I promise. So you can keep the sympathy and give it to your kids.

If you think I'm projecting on to you then please. I have better things to do. I'm talking to you about your situation. Honestly, I don't like the tone of your posts. You seem amused by all this and loving the attention. I can see you enjoy having your ego fed.

It's against TAM guidelines to accuse people of being trolls. Just so everyone is aware. So how's your day going? :wink2:


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You said "... give everybody the life they deserve"

But I'm afraid you probably don't include yourself in there.

If you don't help yourself your children will suffer.

When the masks drop in the plane, it's adults first then kids for a reason.

You're seriously codependent. You don't count. I get it. But you have to put on that air mask first. You have to plan for you clearly.

So many TAM threads have an affair at the heart of the marital difficulties. So dealing with the affair has particular patterns that seem to work.

In your case the 8 year affair isn't even in the center ring. That's why you need to start by creating a better place for the kids and work from there.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

savannah7172 said:


> You have every right to feel like you do towards people like me if you are a betrayed spouse.


I'm not a betrayed spouse and I'm still mad at you for choosing SEVEN YEARS of infidelity. I don't care what your problem was, seven years is a lifestyle choice, and if you don't get therapy for that, you're going to be going around making messed up choices for you AND for your family.

As I said, the only redeeming path for you at this point is to put your KIDS' lives and well being ahead of your own and divorcing to get their dad out of the house and not dating ANYONE, At LEAST until they are old enough to graduate from high school. After that? Chase whomever you want. But you owe your kids at least this much.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

turnera said:


> I'm not a betrayed spouse and I'm still mad at you for choosing SEVEN YEARS of infidelity. I don't care what your problem was, seven years is a lifestyle choice, and if you don't get therapy for that, you're going to be going around making messed up choices for you AND for your family.
> 
> As I said, the only redeeming path for you at this point is to put your KIDS' lives and well being ahead of your own and divorcing to get their dad out of the house and not dating ANYONE, At LEAST until they are old enough to graduate from high school. After that? Chase whomever you want. But you owe your kids at least this much.


:iagree:
The truth ALWAYS comes out whether you like it or not.


----------



## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

turnera said:


> savannah7172 said:
> 
> 
> > You have every right to feel like you do towards people like me if you are a betrayed spouse.
> ...


100% correct. And the OM is just as despicable. I can't believe she would even consider running to this guy. Wow. I guess they are perfect for each other.


----------



## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Everyone in this situation is a plan B!


----------



## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Even the kids!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I didn't say savannah was despicable. Some of my favorite people are former cheaters. What she does next will determine her legacy.


----------



## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

turnera said:


> I didn't say savannah was despicable. Some of my favorite people are former cheaters. What she does next will determine her legacy.


Having a 7 year affair is despicable.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Stang197 said:


> Having a 7 year affair is despicable.


Well her husband is no prize either. They have both hurt each other. This needs to end. So does the affair, of course. 

As despicable as her affair was, we are all human and make terrible mistakes. Hopefully, her coming here is a sign she may finally want to change her so called "despicable" ways.


----------



## beverly2015 (Jul 21, 2015)

Your story is scarily similar to mine. I know how hard it is to make the decision to leave or not. I'm in this website to help find answers to but it is so hard to pull the plug on everything when you've done wrong too. 

I can't say to leave or stay because I don't even know what I'm going to do. But what I can tell you is you are not alone. I know there are a lot of negative people on this site and they say divorce as if it's an easy decision. It's not. It's not a black and white situation. 

If you ever want to chat private feel free to message me. I'm just another woman going through something similar and I wrestle with whether I should leave or not just about every day.


----------

