# Managing Finances, Seperate Checking Account?



## Jonny Be Confused (Jan 15, 2016)

Is it a bad idea to have a separate checking account? Some financial advisors are strongly against separate accounts but what about when you are dealing with someone that shows BPD/NPD traits?

If you read the other thread I started about verbal and emotional abuse you know what I am referring to.

I'm not sure what the future holds as far as the marriage goes but I think it will take some time to work things out properly. So in the mean time is it crossing the line if I have a separate account for paying bills and managing the finances? I would not keep it secret or anything and she will be able to see exactly what money is in the account and where it is going at any time I just need to keep her from spending the money.

She always did the bills and "budget" because she strong armed her way into doing it and I let her. Any time we would talk about money and I tried to understand where it was going it ended up in a big fight and she would blow up.

Over the past year and a half I have taken back control of the bills and budget and will never ever again let her keep me in the dark about finances especially when it all comes from my paycheck.

Since I took over we have had a lot of issues with extra spending from the checking account, I learned real fast to pay all bills as soon as my check was deposited to make sure it wasn't spent, but the extra money for saving and paying off the card are being spent most weeks. A few weeks ago I asked her to put her debit card in the safe at home and not carry it with her and only spend what is in the budget and she, not surprisingly, got upset and said that was crossing the line and reminded me how some men in her family were evil because they hid all the money from their wives and wouldn't even give them food money :redcard:.

At this point I don't really care if she likes it or not I am just curious what the general thought process is on this and if its not healthy having a separate account that she has full read access to but just can't spend from it without my knowledge.

One thing I do not want to do is hide anything financial from her and I do not want to be a control freak but something has to change so our finances will get and stay in order long term. So the plan is to keep finances in order not to keep her in the dark about the what and where of our finances.

Would this fall under boundaries and enforcing them?


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

"Over the past year and a half I have taken back control of the bills and budget and will never ever again let her keep me in the dark about finances especially when it all comes from my paycheck."

No, you kept yourself in the dark. That was your choice. 

If you need a separate account to pay bills, etc. I see no problem with it, as long as you do exactly what you said...let her see it and let her know where every penny is going. Some people just can't handle finances very well. My ex is one of them!


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

It's a danger sign your marriage is in destructive mode, see a counselor asap because it is only time before she leaves, or gets a made up restraining order to kick you out of the house. It can happen whether her names is not, or is, on the dead, title, and/or mortgage. If the home is all in your name it doesn't matter if you owned the home prior to the marriage and income is co-mingled. Both earnings into the bank account is paying the house mortgage and bills it makes her co-owner of the home matter and regardless is she added money in its purchase. If she does not pay into the mortgage she owns it too due to her putting sweat equity in maintaining it; therefore, any equity gained after marriage merits a payout after a divorce. See a counselor asap. Start saving and hiding secretly $10,000 in a safety deposit box immediately. That $10,000 will pay for lodging and food until you gain access back into the home again no matter who owns it. If the relationship is completely over the $10,000 will get you a apartment to feel save. A men's shelter is not a place you want to go when you have no money or food to eat. Repeat... never admit or tell anybody you have a $10,000 stash. Do not have the bank ever call you or send you a bill or a reminder letter regarding you safety deposit box. Do not give it to a friend, relative, don'y bury it in the ground like a dog bone. If there is a place to hide the money away from the house without a record of a safety deposit box figure it out. Again keep it a secret and tell nobody. Here is a hiding spot. in the trunk of your car, put the cash, no check or money order, only cash. Gently pull the carpet from the left or right side panel in the trunk, put the money in a sealed water proof back, put it in the side panel and replace the carpet. Nobody will ever look there. Do not put it anywhere under the spare tire and change tire compartment. If your wife or someone helps her change the tire sees cash in that compartment kiss that money goodbye.


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## Jonny Be Confused (Jan 15, 2016)

prunus said:


> No, you kept yourself in the dark. That was your choice.


I agree, and no more will this happen. I am learning how to set and enforce boundaries.

This goes back to part of the problem, every time I would try to get involved she would blow up and attack me. Maybe that was the point, make it so painful for me to be involved that if the option is her attacking me when we talk about money then I would just not bother with it.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Simple logic here.
If you are kind, generous, loving, trusting and passive you will be bullied and stepped on.
If you are fair, open, tough and aggressive when needed, and loving when appropriate, you will be bullied. However, her feet will never step on your spirit. 
She is controlling and will still resent you either way. The second way of acting will cause her to respect you. Stand your ground. Good luck.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Jonny Be Confused said:


> I agree, and no more will this happen. I am learning how to set and enforce boundaries.
> 
> This goes back to part of the problem, every time I would try to get involved she would blow up and attack me. Maybe that was the point, make it so painful for me to be involved that if the option is her attacking me when we talk about money then I would just not bother with it.


I have no doubt it was the point! She doesn't want you involved in the finances. All the more reason you need to be!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

If you're going to have separate finances then why even bother being married. Same can be said for a prenuptual agreement. 

Another way of saying this is that you cannot trust your partner to be financially responsible then why marry them?

Marriage is nothing more than a business contract.

More marriages fail due to disparities in finances- spending vs savings habits for example, then for sexual infidelity.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Why can't you just put the "extra" money in an account that does not have debit access? That's what I do. There's the bill/food money account with a debit card (wife buys the food, bill money is spent immediately) and what I need to allocate for savings or future bills is put in another account, which neither of us have debit cards for.


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## Jonny Be Confused (Jan 15, 2016)

Chris Taylor said:


> Why can't you just put the "extra" money in an account that does not have debit access? That's what I do. There's the bill/food money account with a debit card (wife buys the food, bill money is spent immediately) and what I need to allocate for savings or future bills is put in another account, which neither of us have debit cards for.


That's about what I was planning on doing first. A separate checking account that only has one debit card setup for the bills I pay online and no one carries it with them. Next step will be a totally separate account if she keeps transferring money out of it, I really don't like the idea of doing that but what can I do if she refuses to control her spending?


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

My wife and I have separate checking and savings accounts and a joint account. I purchased a house long before we even got engaged, so I handle mortgage, the insurance, cable and most of the big finances, and she buys the food and pays for other necessities and handles the savings. We both are responsible and make sure all bills are punctually paid. 

I have friends that have one joint account and they have to ask for permission to buy little things for themselves. I couldn't live like that. I'm an adult, I work hard, I'm responsible and I don't need a den warden telling me what I can and can't buy. In addition, I don't have any expensive habits; I don't smoke, drink, do recreational drugs or gamble. My wife is pretty much the same regarding not having expensive habits, but if she wants to buy something for herself, I'm all for it. We both work hard and deserve it. No adult should tell another adult what they can and can't do.


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