# Lies Lies and More Lies



## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

So a friend recommended this page for support. Figured I'd get some honest opinion here. 

Here is the story. I have been married to my wife for 3.5 years no kids together, I have one girl she has two sons. The first 10-12 months were a breeze, everything was happy easy and carefree. Well we ran into ran into her ex husband one night when we were out (marriage ended rough). Anyway being a **** when he was walking off he said hope you got your herpes treated. I asked what he meant and she told me she has herpes. So a year after Ive been married to her I get told she has herpes and apparently she has been on medication for years for it. Talked it through and everything was OK. I had my doubts but was dealing. 
Then I found out she had been hiding money from me putting it up somewhere. Then I found a debit card for an account I didn't know she had. So I finally lost it and asked her just what all have you hidden from me. Well after digging for a month, I found all kinds of stuff she had lied about. I tolerated it for the next 2 years to try to give her time to change. She still lies about stupid little stuff like what she had for lunch or where she was shopping or , she babies her 13 yo kid and does all his homework and virtual school work for him and he's failing because of it, Then one night when we got in an argument about one of her lies she starts in on the pity party of what have to be lies, because I don't see a woman doing this.... She tells me she was raped by her brother, and then raped by two of her brothers friends later, (but her and her brother are best friends) her parents didn't do anything about any of it and she let her kids stay at her brothers house all the time. As far as Im concerned I don't want me or my daughter around any of them after allowing something like that to happen, unless she made that up too, in which case its a sick demented mind. 
Im just at wits end with all of this. I told her last night I can't and wont do this anymore and I want a divorce. 
Ive already wasted 3+ years of my life being lied to. Everything she told me was lies from the beginning, I fell in love with a figment of her imagination that she created with lies.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

My first wife was a habitual liar, notice I said first wife.
Sounds like you can't believe one thing out of her mouth. Because you can't.
I don't want to be the one to tell you to divorce her, but, you should divorce her.
Like yesterday.
Good luck going forward for you and your daughter.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I'm not sure HOW you could move on with a person who has completely lied about herself (seemingly from the beginning of your relationship) and CONTINUES to do so.
Honestly, you DON'T KNOW this person -- you know the image she tried to create.
I could recommend Marriage Counseling, but SHE needs IC seriously to try to understand WHY she lies about everything to you. Without that, the MC will not work. Without that I don't think the marriage will work.

The problems you have financially is that IF she is wracking up debt while you are married, and you get D, HALF of that debt will be yours.
You may want to have a few discussions with a lawyer to see make sure you get a plan together for finances, alimony/child support if any, etc.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lying is the tip of the iceberg as far as her problems. Your decision of logical.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She lied by omission about the herpes and put your health at risk. 
If she’s telling the truth about her brother she’s putting your daughter at risk of sexual assault. 
You need to separate right now and the first thing you need to do is find out if your daughter has been harmed in any way. I would go to the cops about this without telling your wife because she’s going to lie to you anyway. 
You also need to separate your finances immediately, your wife could be up to her neck in debt and you will be liable for some of it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

There is absolutely no foundation for the marriage. She has ruined it - purposely by lying.

I don’t see how you can expect the marriage to work. She seems toxic.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> She lied by omission about the herpes and put your health at risk.
> If she’s telling the truth about her brother she’s putting your daughter at risk of sexual assault.
> You need to separate right now and the first thing you need to do is find out if your daughter has been harmed in any way. I would go to the cops about this without telling your wife because she’s going to lie to you anyway.
> You also need to separate your finances immediately, your wife could be up to her neck in debt and you will be liable for some of it.


The whole brother thing was supposedly 25 years ago but I’ve always known behaviors of criminals to never change. Everyone has a past. My issue is she didn’t tell me and my daughter has been around a child molester, and even worse her whole family accepts it. If that’s the case I don’t want to be around any of them because they are all messed up in the head, and if she is so low as to make up a story like that of her brother then she has a whole lot of crazy in her that will never go away, and it will be a matter of time before she tries to blame me for something crazy.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> There is absolutely no foundation for the marriage. She has ruined it - purposely by lying.
> 
> I don’t see how you can expect the marriage to work. She seems toxic.


I wholeheartedly agree. I’ve begun my transition. Protecting my assets, moving my insurance policies around, changed my beneficiary To my daughter on everything that’s mine.
I have a phone conference with my attorney today. 
I need to make sure my house is protected as I have a lot of equity and owe very little on my mortgage. 
I spent all my money and assets on a 2 year court case for custody of my daughter, so not much cash sitting anywhere.
Retirement accounts are equal so that’s easy enough. 
I guess I need to find out if we’ve been married long enough for her to be able to get half my equity more than anything.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

buyingtime said:


> So a year after Ive been married to her I get told she has herpes and apparently she has been on medication for years for it.


Lie by omission and a very serious one. Lying about a communicable disease that is incurable is unforgivable to me. I'm surprised you stayed, honestly. I am not without sympathy. I have friends and family members with herpes or genital warts and I understand how difficult it is for them to tell new partners, but they're decent honest people who disclose before sexual activity. To risk someone else that way is just...so many levels of ****ed up and wrong.



buyingtime said:


> Then I found out she had been hiding money from me putting it up somewhere. Then I found a debit card for an account I didn't know she had. So I finally lost it and asked her just what all have you hidden from me. Well after digging for a month, I found all kinds of stuff she had lied about.


Get a lawyer involved ASAP. Depending on state law you may be responsible for half of the debt she's run(ing) up. Perhaps more, depending on how she did it, who is on the accounts, etc.

Keep digging. You may find more.

Also, please separate your finances. Run your credit report. There may be accounts you don't know about in your name. You'll need to talk to your lawyer about how to handle joint or shared accounts. Some states prohibit changes until the divorce is final while others allow changes at separation.



buyingtime said:


> She tells me she was raped by her brother, and then raped by two of her brothers friends later, (but her and her brother are best friends) her parents didn't do anything about any of it and she let her kids stay at her brothers house all the time.


She's a known liar. You cannot believe anything she says. It may be true. Maybe that's why she's the way she is. It may be a complete fabrication because she knows you're done with her and she is trying to keep you sucked in with her poor abused waif story. Doesn't matter.

Let me repeat that. It does not matter. Regardless of the reason, she is toxic soup and you need to eject her from your life.


buyingtime said:


> Im just at wits end with all of this. I told her last night I can't and wont do this anymore and I want a divorce.


Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!!!

This woman is clearly unhinged and willing to lie to obtain what she wants. This is a dangerous time for you. You have no idea what she will say or do once she realizes you're serious. You may want to keep a voice activated recorder on you if you're in a 1 party audio recording state. You may also want to consider "security cameras" around the house if you don't already have them. Store data in the cloud so she can't erase it.



buyingtime said:


> Well we ran into ran into her ex husband one night when we were out (marriage ended rough).


Might want to give him a call. She hasn't changed and he's been where you are. He can tell you how she behaved and what she did or tried to do. Forewarned is forearmed.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> Lie by omission and a very serious one. Lying about a communicable disease that is incurable is unforgivable to me. I'm surprised you stayed, honestly. I am not without sympathy. I have friends and family members with herpes or genital warts and I understand how difficult it is for them to tell new partners, but they're decent honest people who disclose before sexual activity. To risk someone else that way is just...so many levels of ****ed up and wrong.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have vor with me at all times. I have cameras in my house and more to replace them if she finds them and destroys them. I’ve heard the nasty lies she’s telling friends and her family about me. I’ve done this before, I know to protect myself. I know I can’t remove her from my home by force. I know if I change the locks she can bust out windows and get back in. Luckily the title to my house is solely in my name, which is part of why I am meeting with the attorney to see what I can and can’t do.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

buyingtime said:


> I know I can’t remove her from my home by force.


Nope, but you can always hope she decides to leave on her own.

I mean, depending on what the lawyer says it's entirely possible you can cut her off for the most part and perhaps she will find living with you without access to your resources doesn't suit her. Especially once you remove all the other benefits of sharing a space such as companionship, help with whatever confounds her, and so on.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> Nope, but you can always hope she decides to leave on her own.
> 
> I mean, depending on what the lawyer says it's entirely possible you can cut her off for the most part and perhaps she will find living with you without access to your resources doesn't suit her. Especially once you remove all the other benefits of sharing a space such as companionship, help with whatever confounds her, and so on.


She works so she can support herself. She just doesn’t make near as much as me.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

buyingtime said:


> She works so she can support herself. She just doesn’t make near as much as me.


Yeah, which is why cutting her off as much as possible may work. Once she realizes she cannot spend her money and yours she may look for greener pastures.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

How long did you date your wife before you married her?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I don't see why you haven't started divorce proceedings already. Really don't.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

buyingtime said:


> The whole brother thing was supposedly 25 years ago but I’ve always known behaviors of criminals to never change. Everyone has a past. My issue is she didn’t tell me and my daughter has been around a child molester, and even worse her whole family accepts it. If that’s the case I don’t want to be around any of them because they are all messed up in the head, and if she is so low as to make up a story like that of her brother then she has a whole lot of crazy in her that will never go away, and it will be a matter of time before she tries to blame me for something crazy.


Its highly unlikely that she would want to be around her brother if that actually happened. I suspect its more lies.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

Rowan said:


> How long did you date your wife before you married her?


About a year.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I don't see why you haven't started divorce proceedings already. Really don't.


It's in the works.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s also possible that if she can’t make it on her own, and can’t find someone to help, she might end up back on your doorstep. Be prepared.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

Openminded said:


> It’s also possible that if she can’t make it on her own, and can’t find someone to help, she might end up back on your doorstep. Be prepared.


That will never happen, she will never be welcome around me or my daughter again.

So I talked to her mom and brother today. They are both blown away. None of this stuff ever happened.

I said well I wanted you all to know one way or the other, so maybe yall can attempt to help, BECAUSE IM DONE!!

They understood, they apologized and said they held no hard feelings against me. I mean this is like psych ward mentality here.

Attorney said, lets draw the papers up for no fault, split cash down the middle, each keep own retirement, give her hers and her sons vehicles, and I keep the house and all equity.

But we need to do it and do it today. 

Ive gotten my finacials in order, benificiarys changed, her name off my credit cards. Trying to figure out how to handle insurance and stuff on vehicles. My company won't split policies under the same roof. I can't make her leave for the 60 day waiting period. 

Should I call her childs father and tell him whats going on? Someone that will lie about stuff like this will do anything. I don't want her kids being caught in some crazy stuff.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Definitely call the previous husband. He sounds like he's willing to share all the dirt. Also, if she claims she's sending her daughter over to her brother's/rapist's house, the ex-husband will want to know and may be able to use that against her. Burn it all down.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

Galabar01 said:


> Definitely call the previous husband. He sounds like he's willing to share all the dirt. Also, if she claims she's sending her daughter over to her brother's/rapist's house, the ex-husband will want to know and may be able to use that against her. Burn it call down.


No the one I found out about the herpes from was the second husband. 
The first husband is the kids dad. 

And there is no rapist. She made it all up.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The brother being a probable child molester is certainly the biggest issue here. How old was he when he raped her? I mean, if he was 12, then maybe he later realized it was bad, but if he was an adult, he's still a molester and shouldn't be around kids. 

I think you'd do well to get out before she does get pregnant.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The brother being a probable child molester is certainly the biggest issue here. How old was he when he raped her? I mean, if he was 12, then maybe he later realized it was bad, but if he was an adult, he's still a molester and shouldn't be around kids.
> 
> I think you'd do well to get out before she does get pregnant.


He's not. I talked to him earlier today. He was crying wondering why she would ever say that. 
Ive known him alot longer than her and I believe him. 
If she gets pregnant it won't be mine, we are both fixed haha and I don't think anything sexual will be happening.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, that's a load off then. So you just do what you must. She certainly could use a therapist, BUT it's not going to do anything radical and she'd have to want to change and it would take years.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

buyingtime said:


> No the one I found out about the herpes from was the second husband.
> The first husband is the kids dad.
> 
> And there is no rapist. She made it all up.


Ah, then call the herpes husband. He has more recent info. As for the first husband, at least let him know that the wife _claimed_ the brother was a rapist and she is letting the daughter be near him.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I had a "friend" who lied about having an older married brother who supposedly had two children and lived outside the country. I believed this lie for years! Until her real brother told me it was a complete lie. 

This person has been lying her whole life! I keep finding out recent lies. 

There are some people out there who are pathological liars. And they are dangerous to others.

If you want to know about more lies you can talk to the first husband, but be prepared to find out ugly things.

Get divorced and protect yourself. Good luck!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Galabar01 said:


> Ah, then call the herpes husband. He has more recent info. As for the first husband, at least let him know that the wife _claimed_ the brother was a rapist and she is letting the daughter be near him.


I think the op needs to be careful who he mentions this to, it could end up being awful for the brother who is almost certainly innocent if gossip gets out.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I think the op needs to be careful who he mentions this to, it could end up being awful for the brother who is almost certainly innocent if gossip gets out.


I talked to the brother today. He is fine and is innocent. He did nothing wrong.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

buyingtime said:


> I talked to the brother today. He is fine and is innocent. He did nothing wrong.


Yes that what I mean, he doesnt need rumours going round when he is innocent.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

Well, She went to the house today and moved out all of her clothes and her kids clothes. 
Time to lock the place down now. Changing out door locks tonight. 
I never even told her I wanted a divorce, I was just working on it in the background. 
So I guess I have my answer as to what she really wanted. LOL
Papers ready to go. Im going to give her one chance to sign them, and then I'm going to have her served.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

buyingtime said:


> Well, She went to the house today and moved out all of her clothes and her kids clothes.
> Time to lock the place down now. Changing out door locks tonight.
> I never even told her I wanted a divorce, I was just working on it in the background.
> So I guess I have my answer as to what she really wanted. LOL
> Papers ready to go. Im going to give her one chance to sign them, and then I'm going to have her served.


This is progress. Outstanding! 

Just know you're doing the best thing for you, if you ever have any doubts at all. 

Enjoy your progress!


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is progress. Outstanding!
> 
> Just know you're doing the best thing for you, if you ever have any doubts at all.
> 
> Enjoy your progress!


Yeah. Enough is enough. 
can’t deal with this level of crazy anymore.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Random comments in no particular order.

You can't legally lock her out of her own house. She's allowed back anytime she wants short of a court order saying otherwise. If you end up in court you will look like the bad guy.

You knew this married-3x woman a short year before entering yet another supposed lifelong commitment after your first marriage cost you all your money. Why do people do this to themselves???

One or both husbands could be a useful source of information going forward if things get messy.

You told the family you were done before you had a discussion with her. That sets the stage for conflict because when she heard it from them rather than you she's going to feel like you stabbed her in the back and that's pretty much what happened from your description of her leaving without notice. 

You said the brother is innocent because you spoke to him. That's a ridiculous conclusion.

You sound sort of naive.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

buyingtime said:


> Well, She went to the house today and moved out all of her clothes and her kids clothes.
> Time to lock the place down now. Changing out door locks tonight.
> I never even told her I wanted a divorce, I was just working on it in the background.
> So I guess I have my answer as to what she really wanted. LOL
> Papers ready to go. Im going to give her one chance to sign them, and then I'm going to have her served.


She probably just realized her house of cards was pretty much collapsed, so time to move on....

GOOD for you to get out from this (but sorry you have to go through it).


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

She sounds like a user. I highly doubt this is anywhere close to over. If anything the trouble is just beginning.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

Trident said:


> She sounds like a user. I highly doubt this is anywhere close to over. If anything the trouble is just beginning.


You could be right. I’m not naive, I trust her brother much more than I trust what she says. Too much doesn’t add up with all her stories. However she is supposed to go Monday to sign the papers and it’s done. She argued about money for sometime, but ultimately she got nothing. Two paid for vehicles and a couple thousand cash and her retirement. 

it hurts but it is what it is at this point. I had to remove me and my daughter from this toxic situation. Luckily I didn’t have any more time invested with her.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, that's a load off then. So you just do what you must. She certainly could use a therapist, BUT it's not going to do anything radical and she'd have to want to change and it would take years.


i would have done anything to help her is the sad part. All she had to do was come clean and accept the help I could offer. I think her whole family is poison, becausethere is more than one lie going on with them in this situation.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I want to throw out there that if the brother had actually raped her what makes you think he or the mother would admit it?

You think he'd actually tell you "oh yeah., I totally raped her". I'm really surprised nobody has brought that up. Brother says he's innocent so he must be because everyone guilty person admits it.

Anyway, she may have made it up and since she has a record of lying she certainly has no credibility, so its best to proceed as you are.

Just keep in mind that it's foolish to assume one is innocent because they claim they are. Scumbags can lie and cry with the best of them.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

There are psychological illnesses in which some individuals could not tell the truth if threaten with death, their brains are so messed up that they really don't know where a lies ends and truth begins. So rather then unravel it all, they woudl rather start fresh somewhere else with someone else and build new lies. its a shame but she has become lost in her own lies and ultimately one day she will lose her mind.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I want to throw out there that if the brother had actually raped her what makes you think he or the mother would admit it?
> 
> You think he'd actually tell you "oh yeah., I totally raped her". I'm really surprised nobody has brought that up. Brother says he's innocent so he must be because everyone guilty person admits it.
> 
> ...


Agree; I would also find it difficult to trust what any of these people say. If it did happen, it wouldn't surprise me if that family had agreed to cover it up as a youthful indiscretion or something years ago, so even a denial by all concerned wouldn't be enough for me to believe them. 

The whole thing is a mess, and I would just distance myself from all these people.



Lostinthought61 said:


> There are psychological illnesses in which some individuals could not tell the truth if threaten with death, their brains are so messed up that they really don't know where a lies ends and truth begins. So rather then unravel it all, they woudl rather start fresh somewhere else with someone else and build new lies. its a shame but she has become lost in her own lies and ultimately one day she will lose her mind.


In my prior marriage, I saw my XW actually lay the groundwork for lies, and build them like a whole propaganda campaign. 
It seemed insane to me to spend that amount of mental bandwith fabricating an entire history of something (and in most cases I had no idea what her end goal was), over even trivial matters. 

It's hard to believe it until you see it actually happen.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

TomNebraska said:


> Agree; I would also find it difficult to trust what any of these people say. If it did happen, it wouldn't surprise me if that family had agreed to cover it up as a youthful indiscretion or something years ago, so even a denial by all concerned wouldn't be enough for me to believe them.
> 
> The whole thing is a mess, and I would just distance myself from all these people.


That was my whole thing. I tried to talk her into telling me the truth about it, just so I knew what kind of people they are because I didn't want my kid or hers around them if they can cover up something like that. At this point it doesn't matter. Her behavior since she moved out 10 days ago, tells it all. This is what she wanted. 



TomNebraska said:


> In my prior marriage, I saw my XW actually lay the groundwork for lies, and build them like a whole propaganda campaign.
> It seemed insane to me to spend that amount of mental bandwith fabricating an entire history of something (and in most cases I had no idea what her end goal was), over even trivial matters.
> 
> It's hard to believe it until you see it actually happen.


I've seen similar habits from her as well.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

sounds like she is monumentally insecure and needs to resolve that before venturing forth in life let alone a marriage or any other relationship. Most people that lie to this degree are very insecure and can not accept that they are so average, flawed, or possibly a bit boring. I used to exaggerate things when I was a kid because I felt the need to cover up for my poor, trailer park background. When I came to adulthood, the need to put a front on evaporated. The overall point is that she has some issues that the OP are not going to be able to overcome.


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## buyingtime (Jan 12, 2021)

Well, Friday she called me and said she would sign the papers that day. She did, and its filed and now the waiting period. 
She didn't ask for anything except her clothes and the furniture she brought to the marriage.
I enrolled in some online counselling this weekend, just because I have such a hard time getting out during the day away from work. He said she shows every single symptom of borderline personality disorder from my description. 
He explained it would never change and while it may be hard, in the end it will be better for daughter and myself.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Congrats, best settlement, ever.
Best of luck to you and your daughter going forward.


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