# Questioning NC w/ STBXW?



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

I figured i would ask you TAMer's about this, I am taking inventory of what is happening currently. 

Below are the facts:

11 weeks Seperated (physically)
I currently in NC & 180
I go to IC
No posOM
STBXW has been on mutliple spending sprees
Me - 34
STBXW-30
2S's - 3 & 1.5
D papers filed day of S
STBXW only texts (kids only)

I have noticed the last month that my STBXW appears to be pulling farther away the more i do NC. I mean she does not contact me at all. Whereas about 3-4wks ago she would send photos of the kids here and there and certain things about the boys. But as soon as i began NC she has stopped doing those things.

This makes me question my NC with STBXW. Am i doing the right thing by NC? She used to complain to no end that i did not talk enuff, text her enuff, send her pics of the boys enuff, and listen to her when we were married. In the bebegining of the S i followed the 5 love languages, told her i appreciated her she repsonded positivly. 5 wks ago i would text her everyday at least once, "either good morning" or "how are the kids" and she promptly responded in detail. Now she only responds with short answers like me.

I am questioning my NC, do i keep doing NC or do i open lines of comunication a little?:scratchhead:

FYI - we are going to see each other at the kids xmas party on the 14th.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Was she the one who wanted a divorce?

Wish I could offer you some good advice. I can see why you are worried. Sounds like she is moving on or is possibly doing NC herself for whatever reason.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I don't know what to tell you bub. 

For a while now I've been in LC with my stbxw. Besides a few pics of thanksgiving plates, she hasn't sent txts or calls about anything other than dealing with our Kiddo. 

As mad as I am at her, as much as I've somewhat healed... it still hurts like a muf'er that she doesn't call or text to see how I'm doing etc. 

11 years. No real abuse on either side, much love etc. Back in march I asked before selling our property if she was happy with me / us. She said absolutely. Now here we are. 

It sucks man. I know. She told me she hasn't seen the "new me"... and that's my fault. She may feel nothing towards me now. Which is weird to think. 

Since you KNOW you're going to be in contact on the 14th, just try to focus on being happy and being the best YOU you can be. Show up, be happy and see what happens man. 

I feel ya pain bro. 

Take care.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

HR , that is a hard one !

I know for fact my X hated the silent treatment and I'm not sure if I should do NC completely !

What is your wife liking ? If she is a social person , it may be a bad idea to completely shut her down . 

My X is a very social one and she said several times she don't really like the silent or bad energy people. So I think no contact but if she contact you , you must answer her very politely and happy .


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Was she the one who wanted a divorce?
> 
> Wish I could offer you some good advice. I can see why you are worried. Sounds like she is moving on or is possibly doing NC herself for whatever reason.


Yes she is the one who filed the D?

Really weird situation, said she was "drained from the last year" and was "done"

I know, i feel that she is following my lead!??


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Wait till you see her on the 14th and then see how she react !

If she comes to you happy, smiley , willing to talk then yeah ... by doing NC you may piss her allot .

So I think , you wait till then and see !


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

The 180 is not implemented to win her back.

It's for you, to detach and move forward.

YOU can't "win" her back, if she doesnt want you, so it's pointless to try.

Use this time to work on your codependency.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Dewayne - Ive read up on your situation and feel your pain. It is hard as heck to go from talking everyday to oneday thats it she is "done" and nothing but texts.

In late august we went w/ my brother and his W to Vegas had a blast, she even told my SIL that she know i am her soul mate. Then Sept, had the rug pulled.

It is hard to fathum that the STBXW feels nothing after 6 years of marriage and 2 kids?

I plan on being the best me on the 14th, but for the mean time i am a little lost what to do?

She does have a history of running when the going gets tough, so this may be her defence mechanism. IDK


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

One suggest given to me is wait till you see your stbx after a period of NC, do the 180, be happy as you can be and just... talk. NOT about the troubles. 

They said, get into contact, get into good graces again, by NOT bringing up the past and act like it is in the past... because it is. If you decide to R at some point, THEN is the time to talk about things. He said to pretend it's a new relationship and all is well. See where it goes and if the time comes, then discuss what went wrong and how to fix it. 

Seems wise, but getting TO THAT point is rough. 

As threads have proven, we sometimes get lost in healing, we move on and say to heck with it for good and no longer want R. 

Good luck at the party, hope things go well. If you're looking for changes, SMALL CHANGES are BIG CHANGES! If she didn't hug you before, but hugs you at the party, check mark a positive. do that all night and you may be surprised.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

> What is your wife liking ? If she is a social person , it may be a bad idea to completely shut her down .


Extremely social and family person, thats what is confusing. She saw my mom at her business last week and my mom said it was still mixed. She feels that my STBXW still doesnt know what she wants. STBXW told my mom that she is happy i am FINALLY spending quality time with my kids, claims i was soo "checked out". However, STBXW was fighting her tears.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

"I plan on being the best me on the 14th, but for the mean time i am a little lost what to do?"

Work on yourself! Become better than you were. 

Michelle Davis says "we CAN change people. Just the same way you know to push someone's buttons to make them angry, you can push someone's buttons to make them happy"

Be a better you. If you want R with your stbx,/ex... be a great you. Give her joy in your presence. Push her "good" buttons and see waht comes out.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

HK - I have made major strides in the last 11wks, stopped drinking completely, lost 30lbs, IC every other wk, happy, content, confident. WHat is hard is my kids, especially the 3 yrold, is having a hard time w/ the S. In the last yr m STBXW and I were both in a rut. We needed to both change our ways, did not expect her to quit the M!

Dewayne - thanks for the advice, thats what i planned on doing, except i was going to asnwer my phone and texts (which she hated) to show her i am a wanted man. I may not do this since it may piss her off more. I feel conifident in myself now that i look and feel good. I am sure I could go out and find another relationship, no problem, but it still does not feel right for my kids.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> I was going to asnwer my phone and texts (which she hated) to show her i am a wanted man. I may not do this since it may piss her off more.


Why do you care if she is pissed off?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

> Michelle Davis says "we CAN change people. Just the same way you know to push someone's buttons to make them angry, you can push someone's buttons to make them happy"


I have read that book like 6 times, i remember her saying that, thinking about it I may have to switch gears a little bit depending on how the 14th goes. Still does not change the fact that my STBXW is not changing for the better, tho. She is still spending out of control and still partying a little. 



> Be a better you. If you want R with your stbx,/ex... be a great you. Give her joy in your presence. Push her "good" buttons and see waht comes out


I planned on it!!


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Be prepared tho, you may push buttons and get a pile of POO out of her lol. 

Just be prepared.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

HiR , here what I would do if I was in your shoes !

Lose more weight ( with cabbage soup diet in 4 days you can lose 12lbs ) !

Tan !

New hair style ! 

Now clothes - best get some nice stuff if European shop around to look shique and different !

Put the smile in your face ! Talk with smile , slow , don't interrupt and while she talk watch her in her eyes !

Act confident - if need get a book about body language and read the self esteem section ! - here you may need to exercise at home in front of the mirror ! 

Act like old time gentlemen - open her doors , help her sit ... all you can think of it ! 


When talk to her - VERY IMPORTANT !

DO NOT GIVE HER ADVICE at any price .Agree with her on anything .

If she tell you something - You answer with EMPATHY + ENCOURAGEMENT ! 
NO ADVICE !!! NO JUDGMENT !!! - here you may need to practice at home too.

And see how she is !

Good luck


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Thanks BM, this helps alot, on the 14th, when i see her next i will implement all of this. As far as your list goes:

I have lost alot of weight, (getting pretty ripped i was always into the gym, esp. before got married)

I have been planning on going tanning

Hairstyle - already done.

New clothes already done, she has not seen me in them 

Talking happily, not a problem, I got that mastered! (thanks to Alpha male link)

Confidence - very high, being that i am lookin the best in 4 yrs, people are taking notice.

Being a gentlemen - WILL DO! (i neglected this part in our M)

Agreeing - I have mastered this too, (thanks to H. Mcdonald)

I will def. keep you all posted here, how it goes.!!!!

However, if all fails, i will be ok with it. I always keep in mind that she is still a quiter. Unfortunaley, i feel that her grounds for quiting the M are weak. She will def. have to own up to her self. At best i will make her leaving me EXTREMLY hard for her. I can thank her for putting me through relationship school and the next W in my life will have a great patner!!!


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Can you please post that Alpha male link ?



> However, if all fails, i will be ok with it. I always keep in mind that she is still a quiter. Unfortunaley, i feel that her grounds for quiting the M are weak. She will def. have to own up to her self. At best i will make her leaving me EXTREMLY hard for her. I can thank her for putting me through relationship school and the next W in my life will have a great patner!!!



Nothing to fail here ! You just showing her what you changed and go from there . Don't expect that she jump on your neck . Just watch her reactions but you'll be surprised 

And yes , like my X said - You make it extremely difficult for me to leave you ! This way you'll create a conflict into her head with the decision she made !

And I'm sure you know about the banned words like love, us etc


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

absolutley, i am still goning to follow the 180 rules as cited in MWD book!


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

not sure if i am doing this right but ... here 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

This contains many good guides on how to man up and be the alpha male

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...n/55375-wife-wanting-divorce.html#post1049105

this contains syns 10 commandments, this is a must read, including let em go!


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

I've seen a link about the Alpha male but can't remember about it !


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Nothing that you dont know already 

You are pretty knowlegable about this stuff. 

But the highlights are; be the decision maker, be agressive, dont be indecisive, fullfill promises, be prtective, be a d**k sometimes, dont be passive, be a planner, take charge, etc. 

overall a good read. kind of reads like "Why Women Lover Jerks" and "Nice Guys Never Win"


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Well, today my STBXW text me that she is going to get the kids secret santa present and asked if i could sign up for the pot luck for my kids daycare Xmas party. I said awesome i will sign up when i pick the kids up tomorrow. She said perfect thank u. This party will be interesting. 

But my STBXW is still spending money out of her business account like she is making $200k. Which she i not even remotely close. Still dont know what to think about all this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

You know HiRoad, now that I think about it. My stbxw did the same thing. Bought coffee all the time for everyone, bought ppl lunch, took EVERYONE out to eat... ALLLL the time. I'm amazed she had enough to pay the frekkin lawyer. 

She even took me out to dinner 4 or 5 times in 2 weeks. I don't know. When counselor was talking about MLC, he asked if she was on a spending spree. I said "no, don't think so, paid the lawyer, does that count? lol"


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Dewayne - the the time we have been S (2.5 months) she has at least spend $2k on clothes and $500 on going out!!!


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm still helping to pay a 10 grand credit card I had nothing to do with.
All clothes, going out for drinks and getting her hair done. Amazing how someone can be so irresponsible. In my defense I was told a year ago the card was cut up and account closed. I should have checked on it, but you know you kind of _want_ to trust your wife after 13 years.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Hmmm, the $1 million dollar question... do they ever learn from thier mistakes and become resposible? Do they ever see the destruction they cause?

Or do they just mary some old rich guy and become arm candy!


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Well... picked up the kids from daycare today. My 1.5 yr old had a nasty bruise on his forehead, i texted STBXW "he has a bump on his forehead what happended? " she claims he fell at the store. My oldest (3) says he fell at the store with my MIL and uncle IL. I ask STBXW she insists it was with her at the store. Here is where it gets interesting... i know she stayed out of town last weekend.. so i ask her if she did b/c my oldest is staying so. She says no..he his a blabbermouth... he just makes things up. LIE. So it makes sense my MIL has the kids while my STBXW is out of town.

Really.. never thought it would come to this!! Lieing to my face, actually text! She is making this soo easy for me to let go. If the posOM or not doesnt matter i dont want to be w/ a liar, shopaholic, hypocrite, impulsive, fake a$$, that only cares about what brand clothes you where and what kind of car u drive!

I am pissed noooo... happy that she will not do this to me anymore but some poor other shmo who can afford her!

Can you tell i dont like being lied to!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

I would also insist that if SHE is not going to be the one watching the kids then they should be with YOU and not the MIL. YOU are the father and have first right of refusal on where your kids stay if SHE is not going to be physically present.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Well its been 3 months to the day, have the kids xmas party this friday! First time we will have to hang out together in 3 months.

I really dont feel bad for myself at all, but i do still feel for my kids. I feel bad that their mother is acting so selfishly. I stopped think about her and why she would do this. I stopped trying to "fix" the problem. 

My only hope is she finds her happiness, and thinks about her future. B/C right now she is not.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well GL with Friday my man. It's been almost a 1.5 months for me on total separation. We fought and battled this situation from August to Halloween. Then I moved out. My situation is stringed out pretty good. 

However yours sets, I hope it goes well for you. You seem to be making good progress. 

You said you stopped trying to fix the problem, I did too. I think THAT'S when your salvation starts, tbh. When you stop trying to hard and accept what's happening. At least that's the way it worked for me. I suddenly realized I wasn't trying to fix this anymore and the same thought conversation I realized I wasn't moping as hard. 

Again, good luck.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Thanks. I still am human and have these bouts of thinking i need to call her and try to "talk things out". Not sure what that is about, but I lean towards that it must be my feelings surfacing.

I have to constantly tell myself, that she is the one who filed the papers, she should be the one to want to fix it this time, not me.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

BigMac said:


> HiR , here what I would do if I was in your shoes !
> 
> Lose more weight ( with cabbage soup diet in 4 days you can lose 12lbs ) !
> 
> ...


*UPDATE*

The kids had thier annual daycare xmas party (this is a big deal) and my daycare provider spared no expenses as usual. The agenda included all the parents of the daycare kids and a visit from ol st nick, with presents for all the kids.

I was in charge of bringing a sidedish and my STBXW was in charge of bring the presents for the kids (you have to bring presents ahead of time so santa can hand them out when he arrives). 

Day of party the 14th, my mom goes to get services at STBXW business in the afternoon. Mom texts me and tells me that STBXW was talking about not being able to make it to the party, maybe becuase she might stay and work late. Im like, ok, lets wait and see what she does. Party starts at 6pm sharp, ol st nick will show up at 645sharp.

I get ready, look good, dress good, smell good, haircut, etc. as recommended by Bigmac, I followed the recommendations as noted above. 

About 20 till 6, i am on my way to the party, STBXW texts me and says "not going to make it, MIL will be there to pick the kids up. Still at work" She f*$#ing flakes on the kids xmas party!!! So I respond "Really??? Wish you would of told me ahead of time. I have to get them gifts to take to the party. Tell MIL its ok. I can take the kids until you get of work, or they can stay the night". She tells me (and i confirm with daycare) that STBXW dropped the kids presents off with her a week ago. So i say"ok... text me when your on your way tonite. Ill have the kids ready for bed" STBXW "ok".

The party goes great! Kids have a blast! Saw santa and he gave them thier gifts! We leave at 745.

STBXW texts at 750pm "just keep the kids tonite i will get them in the morning, i will leave a check at my house" I told her she owes me for some bills i paid for HER. I tell her "ok.. text me .. we will meet up tomorrow"

Ok, i cant believe she put HERSELF in front of her own children! Extremely selfish! Second, she is suppose to have them for the weekend starting friday night, i dont mind having them more, point being that she prob. wanted to go out. 

So i have them over night and last text i hear from her for the night is "how did it go" i saide "good", that is all i hear from her for the night.

Now, the next morning i go to work for a few hours early am have my mom watch kdis for a few, get home, no word from STBXW. So we go out and run a few errands, kids and I. Then STBXW texts at 1045 "How are kids? I can meet you now but where?" I dont answer right away, as i am busy and dont have my phone, so 15 minutes later i see i have a missed call (her). So i text back "There good... lets meet in a hour at starbucks" STBXW "No i need to pick them up now" "I can pick them up wherver you are" Me, Do you need me to have them longer" STBX,"No i want my children" Me, Ok... give me a little time. I can meet you at starbucks in 30 min" STBXW " are you out of town?" Me "No" STBXW,"Then why cant i just pick them up? I dont care where you are i just want to get the kids" Me,"can you give me 30 min" STBXW,"Whatever thats fine"

My therapist warned me to beware that with manic depressives their moods swing back and forth, from extremes. 

My STBXW has lost her marbles! So we meet she gives me some $$$ and we keep it about the kids and not one word from her. Me i was cool, calm, dispassionate! The crazy thing is, i know she has to work today, so she is just picking the kids up to go to MIL's house.


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