# Is husband making a fool of me



## Hurt and confused 39 (11 mo ago)

hoping someone can help before I lose my mind.
I'll try keep this short. I'm with my husband 13 years, married for over 9 of those years.

9 weeks after we married my husband went out with his best friend for a few drinks. He didn't get home till 5 in the morning, which isn't like him, usually home relatively early. So I asked where he was, he said he was at his friend's house. But my gut told me otherwise, so I checked his phone when he was sleeping to find 2 missed calls and 2 messages from his friend all at approx 1.30am. These messages were begging him to go home and to remind him he's married. I felt sick when I read the messages from his friend I rang his friend the next morning, who told me my husband didn't go back to his house, he in fact went back to his ex girlfriend (home from the states on holiday) sisters house. Admitted he was all over her all night and he begged him to not get in the taxi with her, but my husband didn't listen. So armed with this I went up to my husband, woke him gently and asked him how his night was. He said oh great, and again lied saying he was at his friend's house. When I told him I know the truth, his face fell. He said nothing happened, that they were just catching up. I kicked him out for a week, I needed space. He came back crying, apologising for going to the house with her and continued to deny anything had happened. Said they just talked. But eventually admitted he found her attractive and wanted something to happen. Also admitted to flirting all night, dancing seductively and behaving like a single man. I let him back as I wanted to make our new marriage work.
It took me quite a long time to be able to build my trust in him again, but was getting it back slowly.

Then he took over as acting manager in work. Developed a strangely close relationship with another manager in a neighbouring city. We'll call her J. Firstly, he used to say she was a pain in the behind, then suddenly she was amazing, so helpful, funny etc. She would visit his store too frequently, and each time he would talk about her a lot. Then he stopped talking about J abruptly. I noticed around this time that he was active on his work phone WhatsApp at crazy times in the morning, 7 for example, he doesn't start work rill 8.30. Asked him why he was active outside of work hours, he said he was checking messages from the day before. Seems odd to me as its something he had never done. So then I decided to keep an eye on his personal phone, and low and behold there were a lot of personal messages from this colleague. Then one selfie of her asking him to join her for a drink as she was in town for the night. He replied back saying sorry I can't with loads of crying emojis. Then not long after he went to another city for a work training day, stayed overnight and was asked to go for dinner and drinks with this female colleague on their own, despite dozens of colleagues being at the event also. I called him not knowing he was out having drinks with her, he sounded funny so I asked can you not talk, to which he replied oh its only me and her having a drink, I asked who was going for dinner to which he nervously said just the 2 of us. I was furious. He had many colleagues there who he'd known for many years, yet he chose to spend time alone with this woman. It didn't sit well with me. So when he got home I sat him down and asked did he think it was appropriate, and to look at it from my angle. He said he went to bed early and she went to meet with other colleagues. So I asked him to show me her messages inviting him out (all on his coded work phone). He reluctantly opened their chat, lots of conversations between them, barely any work related, and many flirtatious. Then, the last whatsapp was at 10.30 from her saying 'welllllllll???????'. I questioned this, he said she needed his room number for the bill for dinner. I asked why he didn't reply, he said he called her to give it to her. Again I found this very strange. I told him it made me incredibly uncomfortable having such a relationship with a female colleague and I wasn't comfortable with it. He flew off the handle and we argued a lot about it. He simmered and then apologised stating that it was inappropriate and he did over step our boundaries.

This dented my already battered trust in him. He had lied to me before so I felt he could easily do it again.
And now. He was away on a football weekend with his brothers in England for the weekend. I was about to whatspp him early, about 6,to say safe flight, when I noticed he was on line. His brothers weren't, and he was off and on what'sapp. So, let's go back approx 2 months. Our 3 year old daughter was going through pics on his phone, then says daddy who's that? It was a selfie of his assistant manager (FYI, mid twenties, stunning looking). Immediately I asked why has he a selfie of her on his phone? He panicked and said oh look she was working late and sent it messing to me, so he opened up their WhatsApp conversations and showed me. On closer inspection, she has been messaging him about stuff outside of work, the soccer team he supports etc. Calls him 'bossman', repeatedly tells him what a wonderful boss he is, and silly stuff. Anyway, I told him it's inappropriate to send selfies to a manager, he agreed, and I laughed it off. However, I took her number from his phone, don't know why to be honest, but I did. So anyway, when I realised he was off and on WhatsApp to someone, I decided to check her status. Low and behold she was off and on at the same times. Looked to me like they were messaging each other. I berated myself and put it to the back of my mind. He has in the past few months been speaking more highly of her, yet when he first hired her he said she was annoying, sloppy at her work and immature. Now she's the bees knees.
So he got home after 4 days, our daughter was thrilled and asked to see pics of the game, he gave her the phone and she was happy looking through the match day pics. She was tapping away, and then went into his deleted pics, and again those dreaded words of mammy who's the girl? It was the selfie she had sent about 2 months ago. So I quickly checked his WhatsApp, but he had deleted his conversation with her.
I asked him why on match day did he delete this one pic, he said he deleted loads, but that's a blatant lie as only one was logged on the phone that say. Plus he would have had to scroll for ages to get the pic up as he receives a lot of WhatsApp pics. So I asked again, he choked, didn't have an answer. So I asked him to pull his conversation with her, he got tongue tied at this stage, and said ya we can check. He acted all surprised when the conversation wasn't there, it was infuriating to watch as he's a terrible actor. So I asked why while he was on a boys wkend did he feel the need to delete his conversation with her. He said he didn't, he must have done it before. I pointed out that on his WhatsApp, when you go to delete a conversation, its automatically set to delete media also. He started getting verbally abusive, os I left with my daughter for the evening.
When I put her to bed, I calmly asked him did he want to talk about it so we could clear it up air. He immediately went on the defensive, started saying I'm accusing him of having an affair. I never once said I anyway like that, simply I wanted an explanation. Then he said ya I deleted the conversation last wk as I was sick of seeing her every time I opened WhatsApp. ******** i reckon. Why I asked was there a sudden issue seeing her on it, he said he didn't want her on his personal phone. Yet they had exchanged many messages over a long period of time. So why suddenly is he not OK with it and deleting everything? So I asked again about the picture, he said he deleted it as he knew I didn't like it being on his phone. I queried why he left it approx 2 months to delete it, and why did it even enter his mind while away with the lads. Again he got verbally abusive and I could not talk to him as he was being nasty and insulting me. He even told me if I wanted to leave him then I could fxxk off and go. I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he's hiding something. Maybe they were messaging and something inappropriate was said and he panicked and deleted everything. But if that's the case why can't he just tell me.
Then, up next we have another female colleague. Has worked in the same position as my husband for years, but in a different part of the country. Never really spoke of her before.....but then about 6 months ago her name starts to pop up in conversations. My husband then took over an interim role within the company, and this coworker moved to the company headquarters around the same time. They were tasked with a project, mainly my husbands job to complete, but with some input from his coworker. Cue the constant name drops, literally this woman seemed to enter our conversations a lot. Of course my senses were on alert. Then, my husband had a work thing and had to stay over night. He rang me the next morning to say he would just pop into headquarters for an hour and hit the long road home then. But he ended up staying until after lunch. Rang me while driving home and said he stayed to have lunch with a male coworker. I just knew he was lying to me. When he got home he left his work phone on the counter and for once it wasn't locked, so while he showered I couldn't help but look. Turns out he had lunch with his female coworker that day. And also turns out they spoke regularly, calls lasting about 25 minutes on average. They work in completely different departments so the need for such frequent communication blows my mind. Also, turns out from looking at his call log that a couple of days before, she rang him whilst I was on the phone to him, and I remember him saying oh it's my boss i have to take this and rushed me off the phone, but it was her. He rushed me off the phone to talk with her. I was absolutely fuming. But left it a day to calm down and speak with him. 
He initially kept up the lie that he met a m coworker, but when I told him I saw her messages, his face dropped. Said he lied to protect me, because of things that happened in the past he didn't want to worry me, and have me thinking something was going on. I couldn't believe my ears. So the blames on me for his lies. 
I don't know their level of contact as I don't know his work phone code to unlock it, but he never mentions her anymore. 
What do I do?? There's a long list of stuff, and reading it makes me feel like such a fool. I'm so lost 



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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You say that the list of his transgressions makes you feel like a fool. You are only a fool if you keep putting up with his lies and believe me he’s lying. 
From the first night when he lied to you about his ex and got away with it I’d say he’s been cheating on you since. 
You’re in Ireland and I know that divorce is a pain in the ass but unless this is how you want to live your life you better start talking to a solicitor.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

sounds like your husband thinks of you as his spare wheel , his hart seems to be very much still for the ex , you have to put yourself first I can't tell you to kick him to the curb but what do you get from this type relationship,


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is the fool, not you. Pack him up in his clown car and send him on his way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think you know he is a cheat and a liar and a deceiver. Are you going to accept it or leave? He has faced no consequences up till now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> sounds like your husband thinks of you as his spare wheel , his hart seems to be very much still for the ex , you have to put yourself first I can't tell you to kick him to the curb but what do you get from this type relationship,


It's not just the ex he has cheated with.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's not just the ex he has cheated with.


I know but the fact he still has feelings for the ex even without the cheating he is only using the OP as a fall back


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s just a serial wannabe cheater. Not even a good cheater most likely.
Every chance it seems he has to get with a woman he starts trying to cheat. 

Ditch him. His pattern is clear.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He’s consistent - a consistent cheater.
I’d divorce him if you want a good husband - he’s not capable of being a good husband to you.
See an attorney - you need to know what divorce looks like for you. Please don’t stay with him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm sorry. I didn't get past "I'll try to keep this short".


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He’s only having you look foolish because you have stayed while you know he is always cheating on you.
Life for you would be a lot more peace of mind if you end the marriage. He doesn’t intend to act like a good husband.
It’s sad - he’s never intended to act married. You’d be better off alone than with a partner who is working against you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he is. But that only happens if you let him. What’s your plan?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

To answer your question, Yes he is. And only because you have allowed it all this time.

You can blah, blah, blah all you want, but the fact is that all these years all you've done is to just talk tough but done really nothing. He knows it, plays the ignorant fool, and done with it...until the next time. So as of now, he's just bidding his time to play the fool one more time because he knows that he have you fooled.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You're not a fool but stop lying to yourself. 

You know what your husband is and for some crazy reason you're playing this game with YOURSELF (not with him) trying to catch him in the act.

If you'd stop lying to yourself you have all the proof you need. When you married this guy is this what you signed up for? To play Marriage police Detective?

Let me tell you, I've known guys just like your husband, and guess what THEY DO NOT CHANGE!! 

They get caught in the act or more so then not in a lie and it's VERY obvious what he's doing, you get pi$$ed off (may even leave) but he comes crying to you telling you he's seen the light and that he'll change and he's oh so very sorry.

He is NOT sorry!!
He's sorry he got caught.

He's going to continue to do this. It's in his DNA. It's who he is and what he does. Even if you caught him in the act he'll say and do all the right things and promise he's seen the light and you and your daughter mean everything to him.

You want a wake up call?
You and your daughter take a back seat to his womanizing. Always have and always will. He'll say otherwise but his ACTIONS say otherwise. 

You know what I'm saying is true but you're going to keep on lying to yourself because if you TRULY see him for who and what he is it will mean one of two things.

Either your marriage is over and your daughters family is blown up OR you stay with him knowing he's never going to stop his cheating ways and what will this say about you that you know all of this is true but you don't have the courage or the self esteem to leave him. 

So you die a SLOW death because it becomes not about him but rather you and why you stay in a marriage where this man has no respect for you but again it won't be about his lack of respect for you but your own lack of respect. 

Is this really how you want to live your life?

You are NOT going to change him.

He does NOT think like you. He does NOT care that what he does could potentially blow up his family. He is NOT a good parent as good parents don't put their kids world at possibly being torn apart.

You stay where you are and do nothing because of FEAR!!

Fear keeps you from saying you have ALL the proof you need on who and what your husband is but for you to take action means you and your daughters world changing and you have it in your mind that this will be too painful. The pain of leaving him is worse than the playing detective with him lying to yourself that you really want the truth on what he's doing.

It all starts with a choice.

You want this nightmare to end?
Stop lying to yourself. 

You want him to be honest with you but you can't even be honest with yourself. 

Our lives come down to the choices we make. 

I'll leave you with this. You can't change what you won't confront.

Choose wisely.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Hurt and confused 39 said:


> hoping someone can help before I lose my mind.
> I'll try keep this short. I'm with my husband 13 years, married for over 9 of those years.
> 
> 9 weeks after we married my husband went out with his best friend for a few drinks. He didn't get home till 5 in the morning, which isn't like him, usually home relatively early. So I asked where he was, he said he was at his friend's house. But my gut told me otherwise, so I checked his phone when he was sleeping to find 2 missed calls and 2 messages from his friend all at approx 1.30am. These messages were begging him to go home and to remind him he's married. I felt sick when I read the messages from his friend I rang his friend the next morning, who told me my husband didn't go back to his house, he in fact went back to his ex girlfriend (home from the states on holiday) sisters house. Admitted he was all over her all night and he begged him to not get in the taxi with her, but my husband didn't listen. So armed with this I went up to my husband, woke him gently and asked him how his night was. He said oh great, and again lied saying he was at his friend's house. When I told him I know the truth, his face fell. He said nothing happened, that they were just catching up. I kicked him out for a week, I needed space. He came back crying, apologising for going to the house with her and continued to deny anything had happened. Said they just talked. But eventually admitted he found her attractive and wanted something to happen. Also admitted to flirting all night, dancing seductively and behaving like a single man. I let him back as I wanted to make our new marriage work.
> ...


You know what to do, you just don’t want to.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

YOU are making you look like a fool. He's been cheating on you the whole time with pretty much any woman that catches his eye and is agreeable to it. It doesn't even seem like he's trying that hard to hide it anymore. You can turn a blind eye and accept you're with a serial cheater or you can end the marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I stayed with a serial cheater for decades longer than I should have because I didn’t want to breakup my family. I don’t recommend that life.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why did you post the exact same thing on another site?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are only a chump if you allow it. Get out now or get more.
He’s only sorry he got caught.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Why did you post the exact same thing on another site?


People can post what they like where they like?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

You know who and what he is.

The ball has been and remains in your court O£.

Deal with the situation or keep on adding on many more instances like the ones you included in your post to us.

I really hope you aren't able to write another post like this in two years with many more transgressions from him.

Like so many others on this site, I was cheated on too by my exhusband. I've been in your shoes and the best thing you may do for yourself is to get out of infidelity.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

Only you can decide where you line is. I think you are hearing from many people who have been through this before that this is very typical behavior for a cheater (either emotionally or physically). 

When I first started reading I thought, oh, he had unfinished business with the ex. But no, this is an established pattern of his mind and body being elsewhere through the entirety of your marriage. 

You are still young, though you may not feel it. You did the right thing to kick him out after the first episode at the beginning of your marriage, and I can't really fault you for letting him back in at that time. But now, this guy dates, flirts, lies to you, and uses you for what? His security blanket. His proof that he really is not such a bad guy.

Here is what I have learned from personal experience and from this site: When a person starts by saying they will try to make a post short and it ends up being super long, they know the truth. 

Kick him out. Do not speak directly to him once he is gone. Set up a family member or an lawyer to do that or in absence of the ability to do that, only communicate via email. NO texting, no face to face. Why? Because you will not be able to moderate your answers and he clearly feels like as long as he can get face time with you he can manipulate you into believing his lies. Do right by yourself. If he wants to write a missive about how much he loves you, you should allow yourself time to think about your reply (if any - actually, you don't even have to read it). If there is something about your children, he can think it out and write it. He's lost the right to spend time with you. Period.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Stop making yourself out to be the fool continuously. You keep being the fool by staying with a man that has been cheating on you since you two started dating and it's not going to stop. 

Believe me, if he's been acting like this while married, he's been acting like this since you two were dating as well..

You probably knew that as well but married and had children with him anyways.. if you didn't know, trust me he was doing it.


I feel like you don't think highly of yourself and think that he's the best that you can do, so you stay and are intentionally choosing to be in denial about his cheating.


You unfortunately are his doormat. A woman he can always fall back on because you always stay no matter what.


You're intentionally living in and exposing your children to this toxicity and toxic environment. You're teaching them it's okay to be someone's doormat and be walked all over. You're not raising your children to be strong, independent individuals who know their worth....

You're raising them to be codependent, feel inadequate, to put up with anything, to cower, to have low self esteem and worth individuals. Individuals with no confidence.


There is no making things work when it wasn't ever working. Your husband wants to be and is in his mind and heart single. 

Grant him his wish legally.


Leave him. Save yourself and the children.

You all don't need to be living in such toxicity and environment that doesn't promote growth and thriving.

Either stay, continue to be unhappy, continue to subject your children to this mess, watch them grow up with all kinds of complexes and issues...even grow to resent and not respect you for staying and not saving them nor yourself. Let them think of you as a coward. Watch your relationship dwindle with them as they get older. Perhaps be told by then, "they never want to end up like you" ..etc... Grow even more wary and depressed..

Continue to accept and make excuses for him.. watch the years slip you pass... eventually losing what's left of your mind when he tells you that he's leaving you someday.


Continue to make yourself unhappy, unhealthy, full of stress, worry and anxieties.. you're only going to make yourself sick perhaps being hospitalized or not here anymore.

Or


Leave him. Take the kids. File for divorce. Continue to live apart. Get therapy for yourself and the children, all together and individually. Perhaps finally discover your worth, self esteem, self confidence, and the love you need to have for yourself.


Perhaps you will be happy and can live a wonderful happy life without him. Along the way you may meet someone who will actually treat you well and actually loves you.

Things will only get worse if you stay.

The choice is yours.


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