# Are we ready to be engaged?



## jnb150 (Jul 10, 2014)

Our brief histories:

Me - 30/M - divorced (wife had an affair) - Separated/divorced for roughly 1.5 years - No Kids - 
Her - 35/F - divorced (husband had a affair) - Separated/divorced for roughly 3 years - 1-6yr old daughter - 

We've both made peace with our divorces and past spouses. We've also both owned up to what our faults were in our marriages and how we needed to grow to have a healthier relationship in the future.

We've been a couple for 4 months and have known each other for almost 5. We both knew within 3-4 dates that we wanted to marry each other. Ever since then we've hung out almost every night she doesn't have her daughter and have slowly introduced me to her daughter when she has custody. We spend most nights enjoying each others company and having deep and emotional conversations about every aspect of life. We feel like we know each other deeper than we've known anyone before. Her daughter has taken to me great! She asks if I can come over when I'm not around. The ex husband is in an insecure/resentful stage of me being around his daughter. Which I get. I've discussed this extensively with my GF and we're on the same page with how to deal with it.

We've had our fights and arguments over big things (religion, alcohol, parental roles) and have argued them out in a healthy manor (after initially getting defensive and angry at each other) and have come to resolutions we're both happy with. We've seen the good, and we've seen the bad, and we both feel we're ready to take the dive. We both have the "it's only been 4 months" stigma though.

We are truly "in love". We've both felt it from the start, and have basically been in sync with our feelings for each other since day 1. The sex is amazing, the conversations are deep, the laughs are plentiful, and the respect is immeasurable. We both pinpointed around 6 months as being a good time to get engaged. We feel that we would both know everything we would need to know at that point. I asked her last night, "if I asked you to marry me today, would you"? and she said yes.

I'm basically looking for everyone's advice on if they think this is too soon. I've ready many opinions for both sides, but I want advice on my situation. Please feel free to ask questions if more details are needed.
I feel like I'm ready. She feels ready. Is there something we're missing?

We would plan on getting engaged and slowly moving me into her place over a couple months. As to allow her daughter to adjust (50/50 custody)


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Do you guys want to have children together?


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## jnb150 (Jul 10, 2014)

EVG39 said:


> Do you guys want to have children together?


She's of the stance that she's happy with or without another kid. I'm of the stance of, "we'll see".

So we agree that if I want one, we'll try. If I don't, she's happy with her 1 beautiful daughter.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

If you are not looking to have kids together (noted she was 35) then I would say what's your hurry. You've only known each other for five months.


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## jnb150 (Jul 10, 2014)

EVG39 said:


> If you are not looking to have kids together (noted she was 35) then I would say what's your hurry. You've only known each other for five months.


There is no hurry, but we both are of the thought process of, why wait for an arbitrary amount of time?

Also, if we do decide to have a kid, she turns 36 in April. The clock is ticking.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

No, IMO you're not ready to be engaged - unless you are okay with very long engagements.

How well did you know each other previously? I think dating changes perspectives and attitudes versus being friends, so I think the time you knew each other as friends may count for less than you think. IMO, you should date at least a year before moving in together - perhaps you can shorten that 2 or 3 months since you knew each other before, but I'd be cautious. And then I think you should live together at least a year before getting engaged. If all is still great and even improving, then get engaged and start planning a wedding.

It's the things you currently don't know about each other than could mess this up, and changes that occur only after a year or so when the initial hormonal infatuation wears off. The ticking clock of fertility may put a rush on things, but that's exactly why you should take even more time, IMO. You may make the choice for the wrong reasons.


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## jnb150 (Jul 10, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> No, IMO you're not ready to be engaged - unless you are okay with very long engagements.
> 
> How well did you know each other previously? I think dating changes perspectives and attitudes versus being friends, so I think the time you knew each other as friends may count for less than you think. IMO, you should date at least a year before moving in together - perhaps you can shorten that 2 or 3 months since you knew each other before, but I'd be cautious. And then I think you should live together at least a year before getting engaged. If all is still great and even improving, then get engaged and start planning a wedding.
> 
> It's the things you currently don't know about each other than could mess this up, and changes that occur only after a year or so when the initial hormonal infatuation wears off.


Moving in together before engagement isn't really an option with her having a kid. We don't want to set that example or move in together unless we know we have a commitment in place.

I get the point about the hormones and I've read a lot about it. I don't know how much that's playing a role any longer. That wanderlust feeling started to wain after 2 or so months when we started having the difficult conversations. This hasn't been a surface level 4 month relationship with puppies and rainbows. We've dug really deep into each others feelings and thoughts and know a lot. You can't compare apples to oranges, and that's what I'm trying to see. I have friends who get engaged and don't know a thing about each others finances or relationship history. I really don't believe that there's much I don't know about her. We're both pretty open book types of people.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

My opinion is that you need to get past the initial flush of infatuation before you get married, however long that takes. If you're still thinking about her every day at work, if you still get butterflies when she walks into a room, and if you simply can't stand to not be around her, then you're also probably not ready to make a rational decision about marriage.

Marriage is about staying together through the relative dreariness of everyday life, not about the honeymoon. Do you like her enough to stay married to her on that day when you can't stand the sight of her? Until you're confident you can say yes to that question, you're not ready.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

jnb150 said:


> Moving in together before engagement isn't really an option with her having a kid. We don't want to set that example or move in together unless we know we have a commitment in place.
> 
> I get the point about the hormones and I've read a lot about it. I don't know how much that's playing a role any longer. That wanderlust feeling started to wain after 2 or so months when we started having the difficult conversations. This hasn't been a surface level 4 month relationship with puppies and rainbows. We've dug really deep into each others feelings and thoughts and know a lot. You can't compare apples to oranges, and that's what I'm trying to see. I have friends who get engaged and don't know a thing about each others finances or relationship history. I really don't believe that there's much I don't know about her. We're both pretty open book types of people.


why are you seeking advice if your minds are already made up? Is your subconscious telling you something you don't want to admit to yourself? 

Here's my take anyway. You need to wait. 

Bibi


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## jnb150 (Jul 10, 2014)

Cletus said:


> My opinion is that you need to get past the initial flush of infatuation before you get married, however long that takes. If you're still thinking about her every day at work, if you still get butterflies when she walks into a room, and if you simply can't stand to not be around her, then you're also probably not ready to make a rational decision about marriage.
> 
> Marriage is about staying together through the relative dreariness of everyday life, not about the honeymoon. Do you like her enough to stay married to her on that day when you can't stand the sight of her? Until you're confident you can say yes to that question, you're not ready.


Haha, yes actually. A couple of those "deep conversations" we had were arguments that lasted a couple days and were very trying. I'll be honest to say that we both had our doubts, but we remained respectful of each other and pulled through together. At the end, we gained love and respect for each other and felt stronger for it. There were days where we needed space from each other and we were OK with that. If she wants alone time with her daughter or wants to go out with her friends, I'm happy to give her the space. If I want to spend the night with my nephew or want to spend the evening in the park by myself, she respects that.

Neither one of us need the other person. We were both extremely happy and complete as single people. We want to have each other around.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

you sound like you are trying to justify the rush, trying to prove to us that you are different than others. That you are ready after five months. You want us to tell you that you are different than others, and ready for a big step.

I think since you can not move in together until marriage (your words) that's why you are rushing. No other reason here.


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## jnb150 (Jul 10, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> you sound like you are trying to justify the rush, trying to prove to us that you are different than others. That you are ready after five months. You want us to tell you that you are different than others, and ready for a big step.
> 
> I think since you can not move in together until marriage (your words) that's why you are rushing. No other reason here.


We won't move in together until being engaged, and that's certainly not the rush. I honestly love having my nights at home in my apartment. I'm in no rush to lose that. I just extended my lease knowing that we didn't want to use that as a reason to get engaged.

In a way I'm trying to justify it. Sure. But I'm also looking for a good discussion as to why we shouldn't get engaged.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like you've decided already, so why are you asking? I sincerely hope you won't be back in 6 or 12 months saying you made a mistake. A fair number of people do get lucky - I hope you're one of them.


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## jnb150 (Jul 10, 2014)

"Can you talk about tough stuff? Can you disagree and find a route to working it out and still like each other?" This is a question posted on a popular dating site regarding getting engaged quickly. My reasoning behind thinking we're not doing this too soon is we can emphatically say yes to both of those questions. We haven't been just going out to bars and drinking the weekends away. We've spent 4 months as a couple getting to know each other very intimately. Having tough discussions. Having big disagreements and coming to compromises,....... and loving each other more BECAUSE we worked together as a team.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Wife and I dated 4 months, she got pregnant immediately. We had sex like a nuclear reactor....The pregnancy drew us together even closer...Had sex till the night her water broke. She had no decline in sex drive after the delivery, and for at least the next decade.....We now laugh and say "we didn't get out much"...Will be married 50 years in Feb....


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## jnb150 (Jul 10, 2014)

Woodchuck said:


> Wife and I dated 4 months, she got pregnant immediately. We had sex like a nuclear reactor....The pregnancy drew us together even closer...Had sex till the night her water broke. She had no decline in sex drive after the delivery, and for at least the next decade.....We now laugh and say "we didn't get out much"...Will be married 50 years in Feb....


I don't know if either one of us has a sex drive like a nuclear reactor,.... but maybe rabbits.

Honestly though, neither of us has had the emotional/spiritual/physical connection before that we have during sex. Cheesy as it sounds, we both feel comfortable calling it "making love", no matter how crazy we get. There's also a higher connection between us.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Wife and I dated 4 months, she got pregnant immediately. We had sex like a nuclear reactor....The pregnancy drew us together even closer...Had sex till the night her water broke. She had no decline in sex drive after the delivery, and for at least the next decade.....We now laugh and say "we didn't get out much"...Will be married 50 years in Feb....


With all due respect, this was 50 years ago. It's a different world now - and there's a child that is not the OP's involved.

OP - slow and steady will win the race here my friend. You're not ready to be engaged, because you're still in the flush of new love - your posts tell us that loud and clear...the way you're talking...you're still in the infatuation stage - which is wonderful and just where you should be this early in the relationship.

Your relationship is so brand new and young - enjoy it!! Nurture it a bit longer and reinforce a solid foundation. There's no need to rush things. If not for yourselves, for that precious little girl (really, it's far too soon for you to have even met her) who has likely become attached to you. She's already been through the trauma of her parents divorcing...give it a bit more time - time for you and your gf to really build on what you have, and time for the little one to get used to the changes.

This can work out to be the most wonderful thing you've done - if you don't rush it.

I speak from experience - I'm a stepmum.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

frusdil said:


> With all due respect, this was 50 years ago. It's a different world now - and there's a child that is not the OP's involved.
> 
> OP - slow and steady will win the race here my friend. You're not ready to be engaged, because you're still in the flush of new love - your posts tell us that loud and clear...the way you're talking...you're still in the infatuation stage - which is wonderful and just where you should be this early in the relationship.
> 
> ...


Wife was a single mom to an 18 mo boy.....


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