# Anything wrong with NOT having kids?



## Cee Paul

It seems like the norm is that couples must have 1 or 2 or more kids or there's something wrong with them, and that their marriage or relationship is incomplete without them. In our case my wife is unable to have kids because she doesn't produce enough eggs and they won't drop properly; so after many many different treatments early on in our marriage and then messing around with adoption but not finding what we wanted, we finally decided that there wasn't going to be any kids and especially now that we're in our 40's and both have careers going.

Anyone else in the same boat or have any issues with couples who DON'T have or want any kids?


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## nnoodle

Having children is a choice a couple makes together. What matters is how you and your spouse feel. 

I am blessed to have several couple friends who chose not to have children. They are fabulous with my girls and provide an example of a different way of life that is rich and wonderful too. 

Too many people associate being childless with not liking children or being selfish. Its unfair and inaccurate in most cases.


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## notperfectanymore

Don't have em, don't want em....Hubby got "fixed" many years ago just to make sure.....We get A LOT of chit from people, even still now that we are in our 40's.....

Positives.....cash flow...nuff said....

Negatives...I really hate to mow the lawn....and fold my own laundry


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## 827Aug

After having three children myself, I can understand why some people elect to remain childless.  It is mentally and physically draining--especially having a set of twin girls who are high school seniors this year. Children are a blessing, but they aren't for everyone.


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## norajane

We don't have kids, and since we are in our mid-40's, we don't plan to. 

Raising children was not a life experience we ever really wanted. I think both of us had to take on a lot of familial responsibilities at a young age, and that made us wary of the kind of lifetime responsibility and care that children require. 

I spent a lot of my teen years taking care of my much younger baby sister (whom I adore), but that gave me a view into the...anxiety?...a parent feels in wanting to protect her from everything and wanting her life to be Perfect. It's too much, I think, for me to handle. I'd always be worried about something bad happening.

This way, we don't have worries about illnesses, school bullies, what our kids are searching on the internet, sexting, school systems, drug/alcohol abuse, hurtful sexual experiences, college tuition, or whether the kids will ever be able to find jobs. Oh, and no paperwork! Man, the paperwork involved with kids and insurance and medical care and immunization records and school records, ugh!

Our free time is our own, as is our money. We are able to take lots of opportunities to travel all over, invest for retirement, paid off mortgages, indulge in our hobbies (or be lazy whenever we want) and to sleep in on weekends!

Oh, and we don't give a crap what anyone else thinks about it. Our lives, our choices. I think the would-be grandparents are the only ones who really _care_, but they have accepted it at this point and don't judge.


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## kcb22

People shouldn't judge others for not having kids. It is more admirable to not bring a child into the world if you are not ready for one. Though many people jump into parenthood without thinking, usually by accident. What's selfish is getting pregnant and/or bringing a child into the world without thinking about it beforehand.

Infertility is very sad for those couples who do want a baby. If it is your personal decision to not adopt or have children in other methods, and that is what makes you happy, there is nothing wrong with that. There will always be people who judge, but ignore them. Who are they to say how you should live your life??


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## Cee Paul

At 46 I am definitely over the idea of having or raising any kids, but I did definitely wanna be a dad from about age 25 until my late 30's but as I got into my 40's the desire became less & less for me. Now my wife is still toying with the idea and maybe feeling a little guilt over not having any, but I am slowly convincing her that life can be pretty darn nice without them.


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## SimplyAmorous

There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with not wanting kids or choosing to not have kids..... and devoting your lives to each other, to your careers, vacationing.... it's all good. More leisure time, more money!

I am sorry for the failed attempts at conception. I was a woman who wanted kids SO BAD...it was unrelenting... and when secondary infertility hit our lives for 6 long yrs, I was a bit difficult to live with. I thank God , after many tests & a surgery ....we went on to have more or I might still be angry today. I hated being an only child, I envied others with large families my whole life, I wanted that more than anything in this world (but that is me!).... It was my dream. It did all come to pass, so I am utterly thankful. 

If your wife has neices & nephews to fill that void...this is often so very helpful. Heck, there are so many kids in our society with parents who aren't there for them, you never know who might walk into your life ....for you & her to be Like a second Mom & Dad even. Some of my kids friends call me their 2nd Mom. 

I am assuming your wife had to to go through some stages of grief/ loss.... letting go of this dream... if you have arrived at Peace.... God bless you both.


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## Cee Paul

I come from a very large family growing up with little or no privacy until I was in my 20's, and my ex had two kids from her ex husband who were spoiled brats and I helped raise them for the short time we were together(2 years & 2 months), so I have kind of had my fill with the whole having kids and family stuff.


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## FirstYearDown

I came from a family with four children and an abusive mother. It negatively shaped my views on motherhood, especially when I noticed how overworked and stressed out my mother was. My father was traditional so he did very little childrearing or housework. La Maman felt that she had to stay with my father when he cheated because of her children. My mother deeply resented the sacrifices she made for her kids and I feel that she would have been happier without offspring. 

I have looked after children since I was ten years old, from babies to school age youngsters. The insistent siren wail of a colicky baby nearly drove me insane and left me in tears. I would hate having to go through that for months.

We get a lot of pressure to have babies and I hate it, so now I just tell people that I cannot reproduce. La Maman was shocked to learn that my husband recently had a vasectomy; she thought our childfreedom was "a phase." :rofl::rofl: I shared that private piece of information because I wanted her to get off my back. I used to get angry when she pushed me about children, but now I realize that all mothers want their daughters to take the path of becoming a mom. 

It has occurred to me that both my mother in law and my mama must be sad that we are not having kids. My MIL doesn't know about the vasectomy; she is waiting on us to "change our minds". 

I never want to feel obligated to stay with my husband if I am not happy with him. I do not want to be stuck doing all the work and I see mothers tied down with kids much more than the fathers. The freedom to go away on a whim or make love all over our place is intoxicating. Pregnancy and giving birth disgusts me-I can't imagine carrying a human inside me or the humiliation of bringing that child into the world. I have to prepare myself mentally for a simple _pap smear_, so I have no interest in being splayed open in front of people for pregnancy exams and birth. I think the aversion to having my lady bits examined comes from my history of sexual abuse.


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## that_girl

Don't assume that just because people have kids that they don't have sex. Or can go away on a whim. Do you go away on a whim? No, you plan it out...same as people with kids-- like myself.

We just had amazing sex on our couch before the kids came home  

It's one thing to not want kids. It's another to act like childbearing and child raising are completely beneath you.


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## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> Don't assume that just because people have kids that they don't have sex. Or can go away on a whim. Do you go away on a whim? No, you plan it out...same as people with kids-- like myself.
> 
> We just had amazing sex on our couch before the kids came home
> 
> It's one thing to not want kids. It's another to act like childbearing and child raising are completely beneath you.


I think there's strong advantages and disadvantages to both situations.


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## FirstYearDown

When did I say that parents do not have sex? 

I implied that having children adds certain challenges to a couple's sex life and I believe that based on what _parents_ tell me, as well as what I read on TAM. Look how many new dads post about not getting any sex after the baby is born. You can't just have sex in the living room if your children are home, right? Childfree couples don't have those concerns. That is all I was trying to convey and there is no reason to be annoyed if I mention the advantages of our choice. After all, I don't mind if parents talk about the joy of raising children. I love hearing about my friends children as well as my nieces. 

When children are too young to stay home alone, childcare has to be arranged if the parents want to have some adult time. There is more planning involved when parents want to have a vacation away or a date. We can just pick up and go without having to consider the needs of a child. We do not always plan our trips or dates either.

Motherhood is not for me, but I am certainly not above it just because I would rather not submit to humiliating exams or listen to loud crying all night. It takes a lot of humility to admit what one cannot handle and I know I would be a disaster as a mother. I'd probably leave my kid on the train or something. :rofl:


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## SimplyAmorous

FirstYearDown said:


> It takes a lot of humility to admit what one cannot handle and I know I would be a disaster as a mother. I'd probably leave my kid on the train or something. :rofl:


 There is nothing at all wrong with admitting these things 1st year.....I wouldn't fault you at all. You have taken the right path for your life on not having children. 

There are things I would NEVER NEVER want or have the patience to put up with either...and some would judge me... .for instance.... and I think you'd agree .......I wouldn't be able to put up with a Low drive spouse who didn't desire sex on a regular happening near daily basis....ha ha ... I'd kick him to the curb and go find me a sex fiend. I could likely handle 10 brats (I have enough piss & vinegar energy ...somehow even patience for them)...but I better be having some HOT engaging sex with the husband when we shut that bedroom door at night, that is MY relaxation pleasure time.......or I'd turn into a WITCH in dealing with ...well ....everyone. .. Some things roll over me easily.. then other things... not so much. 

We all have our gifts in life....and our limitations. 

To know who we are and what we can ...and can not handle....IS wisdom indeed. And to pursue that which we love & are passionate about.


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## Cee Paul

There was a time period for me from like age 25 to around 39/40 where I was quite interested in being a dad, and willing to dedicate my life to making it all about my child. But now as I am well into my 40's most of that desire is gone and I have no paitence for it all, and I'm now looking forward to making the rest of my life all about just me and my wife.


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## FirstYearDown

My BIL is 40 and his daughter (the cutie in my avatar) will be two soon. He wishes that he had his kids earlier because my BIL feels that he lacks patience with his child.

SA, I would leave a sexless marriage in a heartbeat. 

I must say that I am a very proud auntie. I have two blood nieces, one by marriage and one by a close friendship. Buying cute kids clothes and fun toys is a passion of mine. I also love playing with my lil girls and singing silly songs with them. 

http://www.thechildrensplace.ca/products/chambray-eyelet-dress/u2427h0018?color=a2&from=1575 
This is what I bought for the gorgeous little redhead to celebrate her birthday. Cute huh???


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## Cee Paul

I am to the point where I love and adore lil babies and kids..........as long as they're someone else's children and I get to go home to a quiet house later on.


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## F-102

I only have one kid, and sometimes, people condemn you as selfish just the same as if you had none. I've had to put up with:

"So, when are you going to have another baby?"
"Won't she be lonely?"
"She's gonna hate you for it later."
"Why don't you want more."
"God wants you to have more."
"Isn't that selfish?"
"Oh, you'll change your mind."
"You must really hate kids then."

Too bad that assault with a blunt object is illegal.

When I worked at the airport, these young women I worked with would always ask me the same inane questions and reply with the same snide comments when they found out that we only wanted one child. (I also noticed that these women (girls, really) had NO kids.

One day, a couple with two boys, ages 4 and 5, came up to check in. These little hellions had to be on cocaine or something, because all thru the check-in, they were hitting each other, running in and out of line, chasing each other, pushing each other down, screaming like banshees and generally being little Damiens. (I wish I videotaped it, to show to these 14-year old girls who desperately want a baby-they'd change their minds in a second!) And of course, the two brainless parents did NOTHING to stop them. I caught a glimpse inside the carry-on, and it was full of M&Ms, Snickers bars, cookies, etc.

No wonder those two acted like that- they had enough sugar in their systems to support the economy of Hawaii! 

As they went away, I looked at that girl, and told her: "And you have the nerve to wonder why I only want ONE kid?"


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## FirstYearDown

What I hate is when a family has two boys or two girls and people say: "So are you going to start trying for a girl (or boy)?" Like two children of the same sex is not good enough.

My BIL's wife is often harassed by my MIL. She even went to my SIL's mother and said "She should have another one on the way!"  What the hell? Maybe they don't want another child!


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## SimplyAmorous

Cee Paul said:


> I am to the point where I love and adore lil babies and kids..........as long as they're someone else's children and I get to go home to a quiet house later on.


It is a blessing to feel this way... I have a friend who would describe her feelings the same.... she loves my kids so much she gets mad at me cause I don't ask her to come over & sit them , which is kinda sweet.

But me... I was very very different.... I didn't want anyone elses, I wanted my own to take home...... I was very very JEALOUS. I have been more jealous over Motherhood (those who had large familes) than any other form of jealousy on this earth. 

I wished I didn't go through that.... it sure would have made my life easier for 6 yrs, but It was there....I had to do something with it... so I pursued ... all the tests, the prodding, a surgery even... I probably would have been willing to sell my soul to the Devil... 

Just happy it all worked out. 

It wasn't a good place to be.


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## that_girl

I am glad Hubs got snipped when he did. We didn't want to worry about BC and didn't want a surprise when we were in our 40s 

hell no.

I'm done having kids. I love my kids but I don't want any more.


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## FirstYearDown

And there is nothing wrong with that, TG. Keep being happy with your two lovely girls-you do not need to try for a boy just because some idiots might think so.


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## that_girl

We had sex in the bathroom when our kids were home :rofl:

We're more cat-like than y'all would like to believe.

And we make time for ourselves. On Hubs' days off, the kids stay an extra hour at school


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## FirstYearDown

It's great that you maintain a healthy sex life when you have kids. Many couples could learn from you.  I never believed that you didn't have fun in bed with your husband. 

I guess another reason I will not have children is I really enjoy my/our life the way it is. When a couple does not have the responsibility of children, they can focus only on each other and themselves as individuals. It is much easier to carve out couple time without children to take care of. Selfish isn't a bad word.


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## specwar

There are couples that are simply too selfish and should not have children however you do not sound like that couple. That is not a bad thing. In fact it is best that children not be brought up in that kind of home.

You and your spouse could still be a big brother and big sister to a child who came from a messed up family. That organization is excellent in my area and fills a serious need in the community to help children see that all families are not like the ones they originally came from. Provide them will serious mentoring and builds positive memories for them and for you.


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## that_girl

FirstYearDown said:


> My BIL is 40 and his daughter (the cutie in my avatar) will be two soon. He wishes that he had his kids earlier because my BIL feels that he lacks patience with his child.
> 
> SA, I would leave a sexless marriage in a heartbeat.
> 
> I must say that I am a very proud auntie. I have two blood nieces, one by marriage and one by a close friendship. Buying cute kids clothes and fun toys is a passion of mine. I also love playing with my lil girls and singing silly songs with them.
> 
> Chambray Eyelet Dress in AUTH WASH - U2427H0018 - The Children's Place Canada
> This is what I bought for the gorgeous little redhead to celebrate her birthday. Cute huh???


It's funny because the older I get, the more patience I have.

When I was 23, and a mom, I had NO patience. Whew!


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## Cee Paul

Whenever I ask couples in their 40's who already have kids who are in their early teens or older, if they would wanna do the whole baby thing all over again at this stage in their lives, and their answer is usually............."HELL NO". So that makes us feel better because we are in our 40's and have no kids and decided we're no longer going to pursue having them, and other couples agree that the desire to have kids changes a lot the older you get so we're not alone in how we feel and what we've decided.


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## Gratitude

We only have one child. We've been trying for a second for a year with no luck. Just like couples with no children get asked, we are constantly asked if we're having anymore, when's the next one coming along. It's great how as said above, people think having one child is selfish, not hard work at all etc. Everyone feels this air of freedom to comment about women and their children, families, breastfeeding etc. It's actually something very private and no woman should feel pressured to answer anything they're not comfortable with.

Personally I love having a child, and strongly disagree that our life has suffered or held us back. It was our choice and the right one for us. Pregnancy and child birth were full on yes, but it was what we wanted so it was a happy occasion for us. I don't judge people who don't have children by choice, and I don't expect anybody to judge me.

Is it selfish to not want to have children? It's a personal choice. If you don't want kids, don't have them because it would just be one more unwanted child in the world. I didn't understand fulfilment until I had my daughter. But people have children for different reasons, and I think unless you plan to love them and care for them, don't have them. Don't have them to keep a marriage together. Don't have them because you're lonely. And if you don't have the desire to have children, then don't have them. Because chances are it doesn't always work out in the end. Sometimes, but bringing innocent children into the world isn't a risk anyone should take.


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## Cee Paul

Just for the record my wife and I do love kids and would never shun the responsibilities involved if we had one or not show them the love that they need & deserve, but at this point we have just decided to move on with life and concentrate on our marriage because it's not in the best of shape right now.


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## FirstYearDown

CeePaul, you do not owe anyone an explanation. 

As for my impatient BIL, I know he and his wife did not want children until she became pregnant. I would never dream of pressuring them to have more like my MIL does. The size of their family is none of my concern.

I concur that no child should have to be raised by someone who does not want them. They become disturbed adults.


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## Cee Paul

FirstYearDown said:


> CeePaul, you do not owe anyone an explanation.
> 
> As for my impatient BIL, I know he and his wife did not want children until she became pregnant. I would never dream of pressuring them to have more like my MIL does. The size of their family is none of my concern.
> 
> I concur that no child should have to be raised by someone who does not want them. They become disturbed adults.


I know, I guess I'm just doing some online therapy and using this place as my couch.


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## Love Song

Cee Paul said:


> It seems like the norm is that couples must have 1 or 2 or more kids or there's something wrong with them, and that their marriage or relationship is incomplete without them. In our case my wife is unable to have kids because she doesn't produce enough eggs and they won't drop properly; so after many many different treatments early on in our marriage and then messing around with adoption but not finding what we wanted, we finally decided that there wasn't going to be any kids and especially now that we're in our 40's and both have careers going.
> 
> Anyone else in the same boat or have any issues with couples who DON'T have or want any kids?


No I dont have a problem with people who dont have kids. I have a friend who doesnt want kids. Its her choice to do this. I still care and respect her.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat

having or not is a very personal choice. It is amazing how stupid people will tell you how great it is or whatever. 

Outside pressures asside, you should recognize that not having may change some of the dynamics of your relationships with you friends who may have children. I have lost touch with friends that don't have kids because our lives are so different. They have no interest in what we mostly talk about and vise versa. I am not saying good freinds cannot stay that way but, understand the dynamics that will be at play as time goes on. My friends really don't understand what it is like to have kids. When i say "I don't have time to watch tv" they laugh. They don't realize aside from the morning news and 10 minutes of a show as i drift off is it on most days.I digress. good luck with what YOU 2 decide1


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## Cee Paul

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> having or not is a very personal choice. It is amazing how stupid people will tell you how great it is or whatever.
> 
> Outside pressures asside, you should recognize that not having may change some of the dynamics of your relationships with you friends who may have children. I have lost touch with friends that don't have kids because our lives are so different. They have no interest in what we mostly talk about and vise versa. I am not saying good freinds cannot stay that way but, understand the dynamics that will be at play as time goes on. My friends really don't understand what it is like to have kids. When i say "I don't have time to watch tv" they laugh. They don't realize aside from the morning news and 10 minutes of a show as i drift off is it on most days.I digress. good luck with what YOU 2 decide1


We're experiencing the same things and find ourselves gravitating towards couples with either no kids or who have grown kids away on their own or in college, because of the fact most couples with kids tend to shut us out or shy away from doing stuff with us anymore.


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## Kathrynthegreat

that_girl said:


> Don't assume that just because people have kids that they don't have sex. Or can go away on a whim. Do you go away on a whim? No, you plan it out...same as people with kids-- like myself.


I had to laugh at "go away on a whim." We don't have kids and don't want them, but with two dogs, one of which is a senior who takes meds and the other of which is dog aggressive and doesn't do well in boarding. . . . well, there's no going away at all.


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## FirstYearDown

I love being around my friends who have kids, because their babies are so gorgeous and funny. I accept that they may not have as much leisure time as before because they are raising an infants or young children. I see those friends when I can and keep in touch by FB or texting when we cannot see each other.


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## Cee Paul

FirstYearDown said:


> I love being around my friends who have kids, because their babies are so gorgeous and funny. I accept that they may not have as much leisure time as before because they are raising an infants or young children. I see those friends when I can and keep in touch by FB or texting when we cannot see each other.


We have tried to hangout with those who have kids but little by little they just shut us out. And take for example my friend of 20years whom I used to hangout with a lot but that became less & less over the past 3 or 4 years, and he and his wife have three younger kids and have now chosen to hangout with this other couple who has young kids - over us.


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## FirstYearDown

I suppose your friend feels like he has more in common with other parents, just like you and I feel more comfortable with childfree couples. Birds of a feather flock together. We can't comisserate about the trials of raising children. 

I admire parents who can be friends with any decent person, whether or not they have kids. It shows an openminded attitude.


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## Cee Paul

I find that certain people with kids resent the fact that I don't have kids and are choosing not to have any, and the fact that the rest of my life will be about ME and MY adventures and not soley be all about the lives of any kids I may have had.


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