# Marriage advice



## SarahJean3 (Mar 6, 2017)

Hello I'm looking for some honest advice as I'm feeling pretty stuck. I have been with my husband for four years now, we have a 7 month old baby and he is an amazing father and a hard worker, but I'm questioning our marriage right now. Our biggest problem is my lack of trust in him, although I don't believe he would cheat on me, he has told me many white lies throughout our entire relationship (never anything big enough for me to leave him) but it still makes me question if he's being truthful with me a lot of the time. When I was pregnant I caught him looking up pictures of naked women online, it was incredibly hurtful to me because I was feeling super insecure about myself and the weight I was gaining during my pregnancy, I told him that it was hurtful and he promised that he wouldn't do do it anymore because he saw how much it hurt me. Just last night I was using his phone to look something up and I saw that he has been looking at pictures of a women, a women we both know from our hometown, and he's been looking at her just about every single day. Her pictures are all mostly bikini photos and provocative stuff. I know that I'm attractive and he tells me I'm the most beautiful women he's ever met but it just makes me wonder why he had to look at this women every single day, even more than he looks at my page. He knows how it made me feel before and he continued to look, and this time at someone we both know. When I asked him he said he had no reason other than "she's goodlooking" I know people say all men look but it just crushes my self esteem that my own husband feels the need to look at another women everyday. I'm not sure what to do now because the thought of being intimate with him anytime soon just makes me cringe. Like I said we have a baby and I want our family to work but I just don't know what to do.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*All are "red flags" and are certainly meritorious of further covert inquiry!

A committed, married man just does not do such things to his wife, whether she's pregnant or not!

Period!*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Here's what you do: Buy yourself a calendar of hot dudes and hang it on your bedroom wall. Make sure they are semi-nude. You can also track down photos of his good looking friends and stare at them.

His ogling these pics every day is suspicious.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It sounds like he has a serious problem. You might want to consider marriage counseling. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SarahJean3 said:


> I caught him looking up pictures of naked women online


While hurtful this is common. He also likely learned to hide this behavior of looking at nude photos since he was young. In that sense, him hiding this was likely done out of habit to prevent you from getting upset.



> ,he's been looking at her just about every single day. Her pictures are all mostly bikini photos and provocative stuff.


Now THAT is a serious problem! 

Many men use porn as an escape from stress as it can be rather distracting and pleasurable at the same time. While porn is problematic, it is not easily associated with infidelity because it is viewed alone, in private, and most of those that work in the sex industry are simply NOT accessible to their fans in real life. However an attractive female friend from his hometown IS very accessible in real life! If he is viewing her photos regularly, there is likely an emotional affair going on and he is engaging in regular communications with this person. 

Another possibility is that she was a past sexual partner of his, and he uses her photos to help relive those moments in his mind.

Looking at photos of past girlfriends and perhaps having brief correspondence with them can be innocent curiosity, but anything that involves repeated/compulsive behavior is a serious red flag!

Why would he do this to you? Likely he is struggling to cope with stress and he is looking for ways to momentarily escape.


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## SarahJean3 (Mar 6, 2017)

Exactly, while porn was bothersome to me during my pregnancy because I was insecure at the time, I would much rather him be looking at porn occasionally of random women he has no chance of knowing in real life.

I do know for a fact that he's not having any type of affair with her, and quite frankly I'm pretty sure she wouldn't give him the time of day if he even attempted to talk to her (which I doubt he would do) she does model and is a "public figure" on the internet so many men from our hometown look at her and then many random men that don't know her do as well. But it's the fact that I have met her before and that he was specifically going to her page and her page only every single day that seriously bothers me. I also went to his friends on fb and saw that her had her as a friend and I'm not sure how long ago he had friended her to look at her photos, could have been years before she even began modeling but I have no way of knowing. He told me he looked because she's attractive and because of the type of photos she posts (half naked) but that he would be angry at me if I ever posted those types of pictures and that it doesn't mean he finds me less attractive (ya right) He deleted her on the social medias he followed her on and seems to be sorry but I'm just not sure how I'm gonna repair the damage he's done to my self esteem or how to forgive and forget that he clearly is desiring someone else more than his own wife


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok I don't think he is having an affair with her. But he is in an unhealthy pattern here. I'm an older man, 56, so my perspective may sound odd to you, but here it is...

Ditch the FaceBook and whatever other social media you both have. You don't need it. It is obviously causing serious problems in your marriage. Delete the accounts and the apps. Only keep an online presence for something absolutely necessary for professional reasons, and keep that 100% professional.

Do you know anyone who has given up television? Yeah it seems radical but they not only remain living, they actually seem to do ok. Same with social media. Just tell your friends to call/text you if they need to communicate.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He's sorry he got caught and he's sorry that he's now going to have to find another avenue to get his fix.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SarahJean3 said:


> I'm pretty sure she wouldn't give him the time of day...had her as a friend and I'm not sure how long ago he had friended her to look at her photos...
> 
> ...I'm just not sure how I'm gonna repair the damage he's done to my self esteem or how to forgive and forget that he clearly is desiring someone else more than his own wife


So this other woman would not give him the time of day, but yet she had friended him so that he could see her private photos?... There are certain types of women that thrive off of the attention that they get from men, married or not. Odds are she was doing "something" for your husband to help encourage him to continue enjoying her photos and/or whatever attention she is getting from him. But if she is a "public figure" odds are she invests time and money into marketing herself online to help advance her career (whatever that may be). Perhaps your husband just got tangled up into her "marketing" efforts if you know what I mean, and perhaps that may be a little more innocent than I previously thought. 

Anyway, regarding your self esteem. It may take your husband years to understand and see the damage that he has done. Ironically a woman's confidence in the bedroom is perhaps one of the most arousing attributes to a man. So as you continue to shut down and withdraw from low self esteem, he may very well continue to seek out women solely for their appearance to be very confident and have high self esteem. Even if you tell him you need compliments, he may withhold those out of frustration that you lack confidence. 

What I am getting at is that you will have to find your strength from WITHIN, and then decide if you love your husband enough or not to continue sharing that with him. Perhaps you may want to role play someone extremely confident sexually with him for only a few moments just to test his response to that, and once you have his attention explain that he can't have that until he learns to be more respectful to you and the marriage! Then just leave him alone with his thoughts for the evening while you go out and treat yourself to something nice!

Regards,
Badsanta


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## SarahJean3 (Mar 6, 2017)

I don't think it sounds odd at all and I think you're correct that it's causing unnecessary problems. We are both pretty young so we use Instagram/Facebook etc to keep up with friends and family, but when I saw what he had been up to I told him he needed to delete his page because he clearly cannot be trusted to use it. I hate being controlling like that but it wasn't the first time we had discussed this issue so I didn't really see another way. We both still have Facebook and it's how we keep up with our families, share photos of our baby etc because we are living in a separate state now so I didn't ask him to delete that account. But I did ask him to delete the women as a friend which he did. It's just all the white lies and sneakiness hes shown throughout our relationship, not to mention the damage he's caused my self esteem I just feel like I'll never 100% trust him and I'm not sure how to fix that


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## SarahJean3 (Mar 6, 2017)

I think they have been fb friends since high school which was way before she became a public figure/model etc. I truly don't think she has any idea who he is besides maybe recognizing his name from highschool, when I get a request with 200 mutual friends I accept it as well so I don't think it's odd that they are friends on Facebook unless he recently friended her which he claims he did not and says he didn't even realize he had her on there. (Not sure that I believe that part but what can I do now.) I think that part may have been innocent but obviously him going to her page everyday was not.

But yes know I have to find the strength from within me to forgive move on, Im usually a pretty confident person for the most part. I'm not conceited in any way but people have always said how lucky he is to have me so I guess the self esteem issues come from me wondering why he doesn't feel that way and always wondering what it is that I'm missing that makes him have to look elsewhere. 
I could be totally overreacting and I know it could be worse i think it's just all the white lies that have built up that caused me to explode this time and I need to find a way to move past it


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You can play Magnum PI by monitoring his accounts. You can have signons to all his accounts. You can have his emails forwarded to your device. You can even have his texts sent to your device or email. But why? Just have him shut down and delete all his FB and other social media. You too. Use email to send photos to your family. Or set up a shared photo account that everyone dumps photos into and can see everyone else's.

Facebook has led to the demise of many marriages either through facilitating actual affairs or through undermining trust and love. Your husband is addicted to looking at facebook. That is a very large part of the problem. He's an addict. You probably are, too, because many adults are. Just turn it off. Even as a 90 day or 180 day experiment. Deactivate the accounts and delete the app from your phones. You can re-activate the account later if you want to. I bet those 90 or 180 days will be much better for your marriage than the last 90 days have been.


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## SarahJean3 (Mar 6, 2017)

I see your point the only problem I have with that is that I dont think it's fair for me to have to delete my social medias, just because he can't handle using his. I'm a stay at home mom so I like to go online and keep up with my friends and relatives and I don't think that should be taken away from me because he can't handle using his. I know it's not something I NEED, if I thought that anything I was doing online was damaging my marriage I would have no problem what so ever saying goodbye to it, but I have done nothing for him to worry or have any doubts that I'm faithful To him and he knows that


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Some women feel as you do and some do not. My wife has no problem with me watching porn. She used to watch it with me. She will even point out good looking women to me when we are out. We used to go to nude or topless beaches. We even engaged in some group sex and ended up with my wife sharing her girlfriend with me. She never gets jealous and knows that I love her above all others. We are married 44 years and that is a lot longer than some holier than thou couples we knew through the years who felt that the proper thing to do was to cheat and then get divorced, other wise known as serial monogamy.

Men are visual creatures as many studies have shown. Whether you catch them looking or not, they are going to look. That is why porn is directed towards men. They get aroused by seeing unlike women. Sometimes looking will provide the wife with a very horny husband who will direct all of his sexual energy towards her and no one else. Then you have to think about if you will do every little dirty thing he wants to do. If not, would you rather he cheat than watch it on porn and satisfy his sexual needs? The internet is full of sexually unhappy husbands whose only choice is fantasy or cheating.

We are raised to believe that when we are one half of a couple, we should derive all our happiness and pleasure from that single partner and only experience it together with that partner. Yet, this belief does not work as witnessed by our 50% divorce rate. What you feel is neither normal or abnormal. It is what you feel, neither wrong nor right but if it destroys your marriage, how right can it be. Perhaps you feel ownership of your husbands desires and happiness because that is what you and the rest of us were taught. We know no other way. As I say in my signature block, we rather be trapped in the morality we were born into and suffer its consequences rather than develop a morality that works for us as a couple. 

Perhaps the problem is not your husband. He is just acting like most men do, but I am sure many wives would think otherwise. All of this boils down to that if it is a problem for you, it is a problem. We all make our own problems. My wife and I arranged our life so it was not a problem and therefore we led a happy and long life together.


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## SarahJean3 (Mar 6, 2017)

I understand that most men do watch porn and as I said before, I wouldn't be upset with him occasionally watching porn on his own time as long as it's women he doesn't have the potential of meeting in real life if he feels the need to do that I can live with that. 

The problem I had was that my husband was visiting the page and looking at photos of ONE women, every single day. A women that I have met in real life, and that he even was friends with on fb. This is someone from our hometown. That's where I have a problem. her pictures are of her modeling and mostly bikini photos but when my husband is clearly fantasing about this one women everyday that's where I have an issue.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

SarahJean3 said:


> I see your point the only problem I have with that is that I dont think it's fair for me to have to delete my social medias, just because he can't handle using his. I'm a stay at home mom so I like to go online and keep up with my friends and relatives and I don't think that should be taken away from me because he can't handle using his. I know it's not something I NEED, if I thought that anything I was doing online was damaging my marriage I would have no problem what so ever saying goodbye to it, but I have done nothing for him to worry or have any doubts that I'm faithful To him and he knows that


So if you think you can convince him to give up his social media while you keep yours, that would solve your problem. But if he gives you trouble about it, your choice may be to give up yours or give up on him.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

SarahJean3 said:


> I understand that most men do watch porn and as I said before, I wouldn't be upset with him occasionally watching porn on his own time as long as it's women he doesn't have the potential of meeting in real life if he feels the need to do that I can live with that.
> 
> The problem I had was that my husband was visiting the page and looking at photos of ONE women, every single day. A women that I have met in real life, and that he even was friends with on fb. This is someone from our hometown. That's where I have a problem. her pictures are of her modeling and mostly bikini photos but when my husband is clearly fantasing about this one women everyday that's where I have an issue.


Porn is total fantasy. Men have no expectation of meeting those women. Before my divorce, many times I used to think of it being my wife who was the woman in the porn, and me doing those things with her.

But this other woman whom he knows in real life, yeah that's a problem. One factor is she is a professional model marketing her brand, so she isn't putting herself out there as available. So I don't think there is any real possibility of him meeting with her for sex. But it is a psychological or emotional problem for him to be repeatedly viewing her photos. I think it amounts to some form of attachment which diverts his energies from the marriage, and that makes it unacceptable even though he won't ever actually have an affair with her.


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