# What do I do ?



## rjp1969 (Oct 18, 2012)

Well, I (like, I'm sure, so many others) never thought I'd be in this position

I'm male, name is R, I'm married to C. We've been together close on 20 years, married for 17 of those. We're both in our early 40s. No children (medical reasons, and we knew those before we were married)
We've had our ups and downs, every marriage has, I'm sure. We never went into it thinking it was going to be perfect and soft focus all the way, and we've had to work at it at various times.

Until Tuesday night ...

I regularly have some difficulty sleeping. Always have done, since I was a teenager. Sometimes I'll just skip a nights sleep, maybe 2, and then back to normal (normal for me is 6-7 hours sleep, C has always needed 8 hours minimum. I tend to get up earlier in the morning than she does)
Anyway, I was having one of my bad nights, so downstairs, put on some quiet music, and sit with a book. 
About 3 am, I was aware of some noise, sounded like voices. We live in the middle of nowhere, so not at all expected. Turned off the music, and realised it was just C, talking in her sleep. The bedroom is directly above where I was, so it was very clear. (modern houses, terrible internal sound insulation)
She was talking to someone, arranging to meet up with them, discussing their affair, and how neither me nor his partner would know. I heard his name used, and it's a name that I know.
I did wonder if she was on a phone, so went upstairs, and quietly opened the door. She was definitely asleep, and carried on talking. I went over to the bed, and laid down on top of the covers. Her next words were "M..., you shouldn't be here, what if R finds us"
I got back off the bed and left the room.
The following morning, she was ...subdued. Quiet. Maybe no more than any other morning first thing, but I'm now seeing everything differently.

Help. Someone tell me that I'm silly. That what people dream and sleeptalk about bears no resemblance to life.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wow. That's a very different way of finding out about an affair. Kinda creepy. But there is something going on. 

You need to do some sleuthing before you approach her about this. Check her phone for texts and her computer for e-mails when she's not around. Dig for info....bet with some perseverence you'll find something. But do not confront her until you have tangible proof and evidence that you can show her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

My ex did something similar, she did not give as much detail but kept saying the om name over and over.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Bandit45 has advised you correctly. You need to go into investigate mode.
In addition, could you get the help of psychiatrist?
I think something is going on, but I wonder how you missed her sleep talks so long.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you confront her without getting any evidence she will clean out her phone and computer before you'll have the chance to. Play smart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Agree with bandit on the snooping thing. Don't say anything until you have much stronger evidence. It is possible that it meant nothinng. Your brains concoct al kinds of crazy stuff during sleep that have no basis in reality. I'm not saying thats the case but it very well could be. In fact when I think back over all the years I can never remember any dream that I had that was based in reality. By all means snoop though and make sure.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

agree with the quiet investigation advice

also remember it could be nothing. I've had some pretty vivid sex dreams involving others (not the wife) and knew who the other person was. Also knew it would hurt the wife if she found out about us and the sex (in the dream that is).

truth of the matter is I've never been unfaithful nor was I ever tempted (consciously at least!)


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Wouldn't hurt to inspect her vehicle or her purse for a burner phone. Everything else is on par with people are saying.

Might have just been a crazy dream but you're totally justified to look into. If you don't find anything out of the norm then it could be nothing so be prepared to face that later by thinking about it now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The kicker is that proving she's NOT having an affair is virtually impossible. All you can ever prove is that you haven't found evidence yet. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Wow. That's a very different way of finding out about an affair. Kinda creepy. But there is something going on.
> 
> You need to do some sleuthing before you approach her about this. Check her phone for texts and her computer for e-mails when she's not around. Dig for info....bet with some perseverence you'll find something. But do not confront her until you have tangible proof and evidence that you can show her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


the thread in my signature should help with getting evidence. I think from the way she was talking that they are meeting in person or talking on the phone. IT also sounds like it has gotten PHysical. Then again people dream some crazy dreams. But this...... yea I'd personally start with the phone records. You are probably going to be looking for a recurring phone number. That is called close to, or more than your phone number or a phone number with exceptionally long call durations. AT&T phone records go back 16 months so you can get an Idea of how long this has been going on.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Put one VAR and GPS on her car, Key logger on the computer. Get some software to retrieve her deleted texts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Buy two VAR (voice activated recorder), one for the bed room and one for the car.

I'm no sleep expert so quitely investigate your wife and protect your self from more deceit...if there is any.

Hopefully its just a fantasy...you will know soon enough. If you find something while investigating, come back here and folks here can help you have a effective confrontation.

They way I see it the marriage is in danger, even if your wife hasn't acted on she is dreaming about another man that you know.

So don't jump the gun but investigate so you know what your next step will be in protecting the marriage.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't confront. Gather all the evidence first. Hard evidence she can't deny. They follow a scritp, they read the same hadbook. Be familiar with that script.

Go low key, keylog the PC, spyware on the phone, check up the phone bill, search for another cell, GPS, VAR... whatever you need to find out the whole mess.

Sorry man.

*Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this*


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## dannyf (Jul 24, 2012)

Could be something...could be nothing. My W talks in her sleep as well, though she doesn't go full blown conversation mode. 

She was obviously having some kind of dream. Is that a bad sign? Hell, I don't know. I wouldn't want my W to think I was up to something because of a few dreams I've had! Thank god I don't talk in my sleep!

First I'd ask if she's showing any other signs or red flags of an affair? Changes in behavior. Locking her phone when she hasn't before. Not answering it or looking at texts in front of you? Changes in appearance? Not letting you see what she's doing on the laptop? Acting angrier towards you than usual. Complaining about things she'd never complained about before. Etc., etc.

Her reaction the next morning may have very well been a reaction of "guilt" about the dream. Just the same as when my W has a dream about me cheating on her, she can be a little moody towards me the next morning. :rofl: 

I'd be a little nervous if I was you, but without any red flags, I'd do a little checking and dismiss it as a dream. Check the phone records. Check her email and FB if you have access. Maybe try a voice recorder for a few days. If nothing shows up, don't obsess about it.

Dreams don't mean a whole lot. If they did I'd be having a three way affair with my old admin assistant and her friend.  Shudder the thought. Not even REMOTELY close to a couple of women I'd ever be attracted to or sleep with. But, in that dream......Yak!


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## rjp1969 (Oct 18, 2012)

dannyf said:


> Dreams don't mean a whole lot. If they did I'd be having a three way affair with my old admin assistant and her friend.  Shudder the thought. Not even REMOTELY close to a couple of women I'd ever be attracted to or sleep with. But, in that dream......Yak!


Looks like a yak ? ... damn, but that's overly vivid, even awake !

In all seriousness though, thankyou, all, for your time and advice. 
I have access (through work) to GPS dataloggers, and I can sign a couple out for a few weeks on my own authority (they've been known to be taken on holiday by staff, boss is easygoing like that).
Think that might be the best first move. 


Thanks again, all.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Keep us apprised and let us know how it goes. 

We don't like being kept waiting in suspense.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

GPS good. VAR in the car. Make sure you hide it well but can get good recording. Watch it in the house my WS found it the first night. If you can afford one get a PI.

Try to remain normal and keep up your regular schedule.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Toffer said:


> agree with the quiet investigation advice
> 
> also remember it could be nothing. I've had some pretty vivid sex dreams involving others (not the wife) and knew who the other person was. Also knew it would hurt the wife if she found out about us and the sex (in the dream that is).
> 
> truth of the matter is I've never been unfaithful nor was I ever tempted (consciously at least!)



*JMO but I think she just dreaming . *


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