# No longer desire sex with my lady :(



## tacos (Dec 28, 2010)

Hello Folks...

Well I never did this this would happen, but I'm at the point in our relationship where I honestly don't really find my lady attractive and I'm just plain bored with our sex life. I'm still horny, but I can't get any desire for sure (at least most of the time, we may have sex once every other week and it's not bad).

For about the first 6 months of being together we had a good sex life but I was always the leader. It was fairly rare for her to instigate sex or take the lead in any way (which was fine at that time, I'm the polar opposite, I like being the lead and love to turn up some loud music and go for it). From there I started to get tired of always being the lead - in conjunction with being turned down more regularly. 

After about a year we started living together (sorry, not married, that's another story but I figured this board would be okay with it.. ) and that totally killed it. More often than not she didn't want sex and would say no (I generally tried about 2-4 times a week) and finally got sick of it, so I started to look at porn (which I've done on and off over the past year). It basically felt like the relationship became comfortable. She was happy cuddling up every night and watching tv, but after 2 years of that and losing the passionate side of our relationship I'm really really worried because I honestly don't want to leave her, but that side of me madly wants something passionate. 

I'm just at the point where I don't know what to do. We've tried spending less time together (in places like the shower) to try to bring back some of that desire, we've gone on vacation (though nothing too special, just a few days here and there), we've tried different toys (some of which worked great for awhile.. but slowly fizzled). We're currently looking for a therapist but frankly I'm worried it won't help since I feel like we are two different people sexually and I'm not sure we can ever find a middle ground. I've even looked into open relationships, but I'm weary of the outcome of that.

Regardless, I know that if something doesn't change, I have a few options:
1) Deal with it. This I know I can do, but what happens is I end up filling it with other things, like buying stuff, porn, hanging out with other people...
2) Therapy. We are looking into this, but it's been a rough road. Again I worry that therapy can't make people what they are not, and that may be what our issue is - we're polar opposites sexually.
3) Open relationship. This would be tough to do, and has some big risks, but could potentially fill a void. I realize I'm going to get a lot of flack for bringing this up, but please at least be open minded about it.
4) Leave. I'm not too fond of this. I love and care about my girlfriend, and I really do want things to work, (we have a nice life together, a great place, nice dog, we're in sync in most aspects of our life, including house duties, dog, etc). 

So anyways.. thoughts? comments? I'm totally down for being told I'm doing something wrong as well, but again please allow me to explain before firing shots across the bow.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Honestly, what is more important to you, your sexual life filled with passion & excitement or this >>



> (we have a nice life together, a great place, nice dog, we're in sync in most aspects of our life, including house duties, dog, etc).


 If you cant sort this out with her & Spice it up better than where you are now to your satisfaction & hers, and your sexual life is MORE important to you than the above, I think it is time to move on. Not married yet - best not to go there.

1. Dealing with it will never last, you will be frustrated & keep coming back to where you are now.
2. Therapy never hurts, but a Sex Therapist sounds like what you need.
3. She may never live it down if you suggest this, and what happens when you fall in love with the sexually attractive hottie that you are sleeping with. More damage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Finding something to poke isn't hard. Squirrels manage that easily enough. Finding someone you're in synch with is pretty special. She's physically capable to doing anything any other woman could, so the ideal solution is to figure out how to recapture passion in your current relationship. If you traded relationships, there's no guarantee you wouldn't be bored a year later with that one. If you tried an open relationship, I strongly believe it would damage your otherwise harmonious current one. I'd personally quit watching porn, cause that only promotes unrealistic comparrisons and expectations and can't be all that satisfying anyway. Investing the same time on your actual relationship would probably be more productive.


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## tacos (Dec 28, 2010)

Therein lies the issue... 

Both sex and long term are very important to me. However, I feel that it's very, very difficult to find both. I worry that even if I left her, there's a strong risk I'll have the same issue with the next girl, or even that we will have great sex, but our relationship will be short. It's hard to find both in the same package. 

We are looking for a sex therapist specifically (waiting for referrals from my psychotherapist, who's known me since I was 13, we're more friends now but he's still a trusted source and friend). If we can rekindle it, even some of it, I would be much happier.

Unbeliveable: on the note of porn, I do agree. I've gotten rid of everything I have for the time being (this is another issue, I work from home, it's way way to easy to get bored, go download something, etc). But regardless, I am in agreement with you.

Either way... relationships are amazing.. and curses.. at the same time


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

I feel that I am in the same boat as you are.

My wife and I started to go to marriage counseling just a few weeks ago, to take care of some issues that we both had. One of the questions that was asked of my wife by the counselor was, "how do you feel about sex?" My wife replied that if it were up to her, she would never have it again! I was hurt by this, but then some things came up that got me to thinking and understanding. My wife had a rough childhood, and two rough marriages (I am her third, and hopefully, her last). I will not go into any deatils (I still only have limited knowledge), but she had it rough for most of her life. Once I knew that she had problems form earlier in her life, I understood her statement. When a woman says that she doesn't want any, it can possibly be because of horrific events that have happened in the past, and your desire for sex triggers these memories. I have since learned to be more aware of her reactions and emotions when I talk about certain things. If I see that a conversation is bothering her, then I will stop it and go on to another subject.

Maybe I can learn to live without sex, but I cannot live without my wife. Maybe, once things become smoother, then the desires will ignite again.


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## Foxyroxy (Dec 21, 2010)

I know sex is a important part of marriage but it is not everything and you can have a pretty good marriage even if the sex is not great. You can't though have it the other way around. If I were you I would be totally honest with your partner about your feelings as she may have some suggestions as to how to work this out. I have been married a long time and the sex has always been good until recently when our family suffered a tragic loss, after that both myself and my husband started having health problems some of which effected our sex life. It took a bit but when I brought the subject up I found he was as concerned as I was about it and we both agreed we don't like the way it is. Neither of us know how to solve it but I feel better knowing were both on the same page. Maybe with some communication you and your partner could do the same.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Foxyroxy said:


> I know sex is a important part of marriage but it is not everything and you can have a pretty good marriage even if the sex is not great. You can't though have it the other way around.


I definitely disagree there...I think it's possible to have amazing sex and a terrible relationship. But I think what Foxy was getting at is that it's not nearly as good as a wonderful marriage with mediocre sex. 

Ultimately, I do think you need to talk to your wife about it. Whatever you do, don't have children until you figure this out! You need to really talk to her; she might try and avoid the conversation but putting it off won't solve anything. You both need to feel comfortable expressing your honest feelings; if counseling would help, then definitely use that resource.

You're right, it is hard to find someone who's in sync with your personality _and_ your sexuality. It's hard but it's not impossible. You have to decide if you want to take that risk; it sounds like you're pretty young, and you have a good chance of finding that sort of relationship if you leave. But would you be willing to lose all of that history you have with your current relationship?


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## tacos (Dec 28, 2010)

Well we have had some talks about it and made a few decisions..

We're going to see a therapist together once we can find one that's somewhat local.. which hopefully should be in the next few days. It's tougher to find one but I have a few contacts 

I've also decided not to look at porn, which to be frank really sucks, but hopefully it will help ignite some desire and perhaps she will show it back (though I'm hesitant on this, she's never been very forward sexually.. I almost always have to start and progress sex.. and I think she'd be fine if we rarely ever had sex).

I have done some more reading into open relationships as well. If therapy does not solve the issue, this is perhaps the last draw for me.. I can't be committed to someone and not have any passion (even if it's not with that person). It would be okay for awhlie but in time I would regret it.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Why do people here think that its ok to have a good, special relationship where you enjoy each others company, like to cuddle, have a good life together but a mediocre sex life is a worthy sacrifice to make to have that type of relationship. Thats BS.

I currently feel the OP's pain but haven't gotten as far as counciling. If I suggested that to my wife of 3 1/2 years she would have a mental breakdown and think our marriage is over.

Prior marriage we had the best (or really good) of both worlds. I thought it could only get better after marriage. Well, one world became better for the most part but the sex world crashed and burned. We have had sex once in the past 5 months and it was enough for me not to want to do it with her again. It was quite awkward. Most nights she has some excuse, and I hadn't even suggested anything at that point. I am not going to come on to her when she has already said she has a headache or is tired etc. Anyway, I am rambling

One of the reasons people get into relationships is to connect to their partner on an emotional and physical level. My wife has been with me through thick and thin but if we can't connect emotionally and physically, she may as well be my sister and my roommate.

OP, don't think you need to settle with a mediocre set life. You only live once, think about it. Do you want to be 80 years old and think back about the lack of sex you had as a young person? some true meaningful sex? I don't want to be that person. 

So, as a plan, I've been logging each day her excuses or situations where she comes across as not wanting to do anything in the bedroom. Occasionally she asks why I haven't initiated anything, I can recall my log and list off 5-6 things she has said every day. The conservation stops there.

I am also trying to decide if I want to:
- become more lovable around the house, ie, kissing, touching etc. We do already but could do more. But when I touch her ass for example, or start to become intimate even slightly, I get rejected.
- keep trying in the bedroom and count the rejections. Thats sure to spark a dreaded conservation
- keep at my log. A month or 2 months of records should be a good way to bring this to the table for discussion. I wouldn't show her the log but if it came down to it I would.

The point is I need evidence she is not interested so when I do bring it up, I have a solid base to make an argument. Otherwise she will twist it to make it my fault.

Some people suggest to wine and dine her etc which could get her into the mood. I have tried this (not for that purpose but after normal social outings) and that doesn't work. Nothing is worse than seeing your wife dressed up and looking incredible to come home and just want to go to change into PJs, watch TV or read, and go to sleep. Plus if you have to wine and dine just to get action, there is something wrong there too.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Just to add: I am not recommending cheating although I have thought about the benefits and downside to it. Benefits include again, having best of both worlds. You have your spouse who is your companion and life partner, to help take care of everyday things. Then your person on the side to spice up your life. I can totally understand now why most people cheat. Why don't they get out of the marriage first? Thats a long battle. A fling on the side can only be temporary.

Again, come right down to it I would not cheat but one can't help but to think about it.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Some ppl just don't click in bed, trying to communicate for years but things won't change.
How does she think about open relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

> Some ppl just don't click in bed, trying to communicate for years but things won't change.


I tried to reply with something to this, but this comment says it all. Simply well put.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

remmons said:


> I feel that I am in the same boat as you are.
> 
> My wife and I started to go to marriage counseling just a few weeks ago, to take care of some issues that we both had. One of the questions that was asked of my wife by the counselor was, "how do you feel about sex?" *My wife replied that if it were up to her, she would never have it again!* I was hurt by this, but then some things came up that got me to thinking and understanding. My wife had a rough childhood, and two rough marriages (I am her third, and hopefully, her last). I will not go into any deatils (I still only have limited knowledge), but she had it rough for most of her life. Once I knew that she had problems form earlier in her life, I understood her statement. When a woman says that she doesn't want any, it can possibly be because of horrific events that have happened in the past, and your desire for sex triggers these memories. I have since learned to be more aware of her reactions and emotions when I talk about certain things. If I see that a conversation is bothering her, then I will stop it and go on to another subject.
> 
> Maybe I can learn to live without sex, but I cannot live without my wife. Maybe, once things become smoother, then the desires will ignite again.


See these are the types of feelings i need head's up about...BEFORE we walk down the aisle to get married. As a man, that is not fair to you to be kept in the dark about this. She obviously felt this way before you got married, but she choose to keep that hidden in fear you you would react like any other man... and be out. So instead she led you on to think sex was all good and she was down... until you said " I do" and now she feels as though its much harder for you to walk now that you are married and in love with her.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> See these are the types of feelings i need head's up about...BEFORE we walk down the aisle to get married. As a man, that is not fair to you to be kept in the dark about this. She obviously felt this way before you got married, but she choose to keep that hidden in fear you you would react like any other man... and be out. So instead she led you on to think sex was all good and she was down... until you said " I do" and now she feels as though its much harder for you to walk now that you are married and in love with her.


Since this posting, my wife had asked for a divorce...... She said that she had to "_take care of past issues_".

When someone meets their partner, there won't be any _disclosure_ about their past, or what they had been through. There will only be that constant attention that will keep you hooked if you are what he/she wants. Love, happiness, joy, excitement, these things will be the top things. Past history, depression, details of a bad divorce; these things won't come to light until long _after_ the "I Do's" are said and the honeymoon is over.

She use to give me sex because she thought that it was what I had wanted, and that it would keep us near and connected (_and that it will keep me from straying_, which was never an issue). She thought that it was a _guy thing_ to be always wanting sex. She did not realize that there were times that I just wanted to be with her and talk, or to be left alone and unwind for a short time after a long, hard day's work. She also did not realize that not all guys wanted it all the time.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

If you can still function sexually despite being bored with having sex with her that means there is some desire there.

In many if not most cases of men who are bored with sex with their wives because they no longer have sexual desire they can't function sexually with the spouse. It is simply impossible for a man without sexual desire to get an erection or ejaculate. Women who are sexually bored can still function just fine with a little lube.

So if you can still function with her then there might be some hope you can rekindle your sex life with her. Once a man loses all desire that's pretty much it, the end of sex in the marriage. Men without desire cannot provide "mercy sex" If he wants to stay married for the kids or he can't afford a divorce, his only option is an affair or solo masturbation.


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