# Just don't understand



## justme1087 (Feb 1, 2012)

Hi all, this is my first post after months and months of browsing though this site. 

My situation began a few months ago. My husband left his email opened up, and when I grabbed the computer to check my Facebook page, I saw where he'd placed an ad on Craigslist looking for "no strings attached, mutual fun with an 18-30 year old MAN." 

He denied ever meeting anyone, and I have been checked recently for STD's due to Ovarian Cancer checkups I've been getting. (He placed that ad 8 days after I found out I had Ovarian cancer.) 

I've moved on from that. More recently I have found porn and pictures (of women) on his cell phone. (yes, ever since the emails, I snoop occasionally.) I explained to him that I dislike any form of pornography, that it makes me feel uncomfortable and now that we have a six month old son, I don't want that in our lives or household. He said ok, said he wouldn't do that again. I have on occasion found more porn and more pictures.

Fast forward to today....I made a joke about him constantly having his phone on his person and he flipped out. He accused me of constantly b****ing him out over his cell phone or anything media related. Cursed me out (in front of our son), and left for work.

My question is, am I being overbearing about all of this? Should I just drop my "investigations" and just leave it all alone? What would any of you do in this situation? I am just confused and wondering what the heck to do.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

He is keeping his phone close because he does not want you seeing the porn on it. What she doesn't know won't hurt her.
He got mad because he is trying to put this back on you. 

As far as the add on craigslist goes that's a major red flag. He is disrespecting you and your marriage and I get the feeling that is how you feel about him viewing porn as well. 

How is your sex life? How is your marriage in general?

IMHO your not being overbearing.


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## justme1087 (Feb 1, 2012)

Our sex life is there....but just barely. We are intimate 2 or 3 times a month, but only if I initiate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Only someone with something to hide behaves as your husband did.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Porn is not a big deal but looking for a guy to bang is. Has he ever shown signs of being bi curious? Is any of the porn gay related?


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## justme1087 (Feb 1, 2012)

Not that I can tell, he said that it was just curiosity?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

justme1087 said:


> .
> 
> My situation began a few months ago. My husband left his email opened up, and when I grabbed the computer to check my Facebook page, I saw where he'd placed an ad on Craigslist looking for "no strings attached, mutual fun with an 18-30 year old MAN."


See...

This is where being borderline is a huge asset. If this happened to me I wouldn't be posting a thread on TAM. I'd be shredding all his clothes and filing for divorce.

"NO STRINGS ATTACHED"

LOL


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

Also, I love the idea that he placed this ad 8 days after you were diagnosed.Apparently, he had you dead and buried.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

justme1087 said:


> Should I just drop my "investigations" and just leave it all alone?


*LEAVE IT ALL ALONE???!!! ARE YOU KIDDING???!*

Your husband is totally violating the trust and love and vows of what should be a monogamous marriage, and you're considering ignoring a HUGE MASSIVE problem? Because you think it will go away if you pretend it's not there? Your husband is not the man you thought you married. He's either gay, or bisexual, but that's not even the primary issue. He's looking to cheat on you with that ad. He's looking at porn, which you disapprove of, but he doesn't care, and in a loving marriage, one spouse does not do something that really really bothers the other spouse.

He's very successful at what he's doing. He has successfully manipulated the situation so that you are questioning yourself and wondering if you're making a big deal out of nothing.

This is a BIG DEAL and I would not take it.


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## justme1087 (Feb 1, 2012)

Thanks for all the input. I'm going to do a lot of soul searching and praying. I want to do all I can to avoid divorce for the sake of my son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your husband is cheating somewhere with someone, probably a man.

DO NOT have unprotected sex with him. Omg.

Peace to you, and I hope you get to the bottom of this. Will prayer help? I dunno. But you need to find evidence to expose his behavior.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

that_girl said:


> But you need to find evidence to expose his behavior.


you don't need evidence to validate how you feel. he's sneaky, and verbally violent in front of your child, and deceitful. he makes you feel bad. isn't that enough? you married the guy because you fell in love with him and thought you would be happily ever after. i would not be content to live this way forever.


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## justme1087 (Feb 1, 2012)

I've outright asked him, point blank, ARE YOU GAY? He swore he wasn't, said it was just a phase. Before we met he lived alone for years and got into some crazy porn. He said he never acted on anything that it was just curiosity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But he'll deny the cheating. So proof is needed. She can feel however she wants. If he's looking for sex with men, he's gay. At the least, he's bi. But he wants sex with a man.


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## bobby5 (Mar 21, 2011)

Regarsdless of his sexuality or interest in porn he has to understand that the add on craigs list is a major issue and you need "access all areas clarity". Any effort to hide anything or behave in a way which may be seen to be hiding something has to be known to him as a major issue for you. Suggest marraige counselling. Tell hm it is needed if he wants to stay married. Use it so he has to give answers in a safe environment. Maybe all will be OK but he cant possibly expect you to just forget it and not be more that curious about his behaviour. I dont agree with the agressive posts by others about this being disloyal re your diagnosis. It is possibe he is deeply affected by your diagnosis and is reexamining his own life and maybe some curiousities he denied for a long time. I dunno. Either does anyone else here. If you want to save the marraige give him the opportunity to come clean in counselling. If you dont or he doesnt then get out.
I would like yourt opinion onmy story
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...counseling-end-all-hope-me-help-new-post.html


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Methinks he doth protest to much! Wheres theres smoke theres fire!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> he said that it was just curiosity


 :bsflag: I call bullsh1t!



> *he'd placed an ad *on Craigslist looking for "no strings attached, mutual fun with an 18-30 year old MAN.


 Curiosity is READING the ads on CraigsList, CHEATING is PLACING an ad on CraigsList. How do you know no-one answered his ad and met up with him? Please do NOT have unprotected sex with your husband, you cannot trust him. You can't trust him to be honest with you about WHO he really is, what he actually does, what he says, who he's with, etc. If his sex life gives you a fatal disease, who'll take care of your son. Look out for YOUR health so you can look out for your son.

Speaking of him, you DO realize that your husband is SUPPOSED to be a role model for your son on HOW to be a MAN, HOW to be a HUSBAND, HOW to be a good person. Does your husband measure up? Not in a pig's eye! He's a liar, he's sneaky, deceitful, disrespectful, verbally abusive, and very probably LYING TO YOU FOR YEARS about his sexual orientation. He'd rather CRUSH YOU with his LIES than 'man up' and face the world with the truth of who he is. What a pitiful wimp! 

I expect a few people will kick me in the teeth for being unsympathetic about how hard it is for gay people to 'come out'. I have NO DOUBT that it is. BUT, to drag OTHERS (wife and child) into your deceit because you don't have the strength of character to stand alone for who you are, means you don't DESERVE my sympathy. There's nothing wrong with being gay, but there is something VERY WRONG with roping someone else into a sham marriage for your own benefit (gay sex ads on CraigsList for God's sake!) 

You and your son WILL both be better off out of this mess!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Amyd said:


> See...
> 
> This is where being borderline is a huge asset. If this happened to me I wouldn't be posting a thread on TAM. I'd be shredding all his clothes and filing for divorce.
> 
> ...


I wasn't aware you were a "Borderline".


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## justme1087 (Feb 1, 2012)

What does being borderline mean?
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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Pidge and Amyd are referring to BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). They are not claiming your H has BPD. Indeed, nothing in this thread would suggest that.


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## justme1087 (Feb 1, 2012)

Ok. Thanks for the clarification.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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