# Need advice on conflict resolution with my wife



## Zeke199 (May 21, 2010)

Hi all,

My wife & I have been married for 6 years & have 3 young kids. She has many great traits and I love her. We have several areas which need improvement, some major areas, and I am seeking intelligent, caring inputs on how to address them.

During the past 2 years my wife's schedule has become increasingly busy with volunteer, service, and kid-oriented activities. She struggled with time management before kids and it's only gotten much worse as our kids started school and her list of activities has grown. She lashes out at the kids and me when she runs late, which is 95% of the time. This includes screaming (little boy said "Mommy too loud") and swearing at me, and sometimes throwing things which hit me or the kids.

To help I've asked many times if I can help her plan her schedule since it impacts all of us and she constantly says she has no time to do anything. She strongly refuses, will try to schedule her week, but after 2 days gives up.

We also have credit card bills each month in the several thousand dollar range. They're paid in full each month but as a result we're saving little if any money. She does all the shopping - I pay our other bills and buy only gas for my car. I've asked my wife to make a budget to determine the appropriate amount of spending and find ways to cut back but she keeps throwing it back on me.

She sees me as controlling her when I ask about schedule, and she avoids communicating her schedule with me because she's afraid I'll say no to something. The only times I've said no or have gotten upset are when she schedules something at the last minute which interferes with a work or house project which I scheduled days or weeks in advance. I often capitulate to her schedule, which causes my stuff to not get done, which has caused problems at work and home.

Unfortunately she has gained a lot of weight in the past 3 years relieving her stress by eating, which concerns me because of her family history of diabetes & other health issues, plus my reduced desire for sex because of her significant weight gain coupled with the daily conflicts due to bad schedule, communication, and spending habits.

I know this sounds like a big mess and I readily admit I'm not perfect and have contributed to it by not being as calm, collected, and loving as I could be. However, I simply feel taken advantage of, I'm blamed for all of her feelings of inadequacy which predated our relationship, and I don't see her doing anything to help our problems, but only going further in the wrong directions. I get together with my friends maybe once every other month due to work & family commitments.

Please provide me your recommendations. All things are possible in God - this I know very well - and I look forward to these problems becoming a distant memory.

Thanks!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Are you willing for things to get worse in order for things to get better? 

Are you willing to stand your ground even if your wife threatens to leave you? 

Are you willing to insist on MC as a condition for staying with her? 

If yes, yes and yes than perhaps you can make this better. If not yes, yes and yes I cannot help but perhaps others can. 

There are many tactics which will gradually change her behavior however NONE of them are worth anything unless you are willing/able to define clear and immovable boundaries and enforce them. 







Zeke199 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My wife & I have been married for 6 years & have 3 young kids. She has many great traits and I love her. We have several areas which need improvement, some major areas, and I am seeking intelligent, caring inputs on how to address them.
> 
> ...


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## Zeke199 (May 21, 2010)

Yes, thank you MEM11363 - I am willing to do each of these things and have repeatedly. That's part of how our conflict arises. I really do try to stick to the point in our discussions and try to return us from the numerous bunny trails which she injects to deflect her own responsibility. I believe a big part of this is she never had to be fully independent or struggle financially before we were married since her folks are well-to-do and live very nearby, so there occasionally is some element of reliance on them rather than to work through issues with the husband. Thankfully this is less now than before.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Zeke,
Capitulating on last minute schedule requests is the opposite of being assertive. 

Truly assertive goes like this: My schedule for the next 2 weeks is X. I have highlighted the items that cannot be moved. Other than that I will be flexible if I am given reasonable notice. Your lack of planning will not become my emergency. 

All of this is said in a calm voice. If she makes snippy comments/argues/attacks you just be silent and walk away. 

If she throws stuff at you - or the kids - that is physical abuse and you need to start documenting it and quickly insist she go to anger management class or accept that your marriage will end. 

No matter what she does - you need to stay calm - and when needed walk away. 

As for a budget - YOU make one up - that includes room to save a fair amount (15 percent is good) of money and let her know that if she needs more money than that, she needs to get a part time job. Don't argue, don't raise your voice. Don't tell her that she is not responsible. Simply explain that you require the family to have a certain savings rate, and she may accomplish that however she likes. 

When she spends more than the budget - you need to have a consequence that she finds unpleasant. Maybe you start sleeping in the guest room - not kidding about that either. Maybe you go speak with her parents. Either way, you have a wife who accepts no boundaries with regard to time or money and that is a certain disaster waiting to happen.

Practice saying "that is not acceptable" in a firm voice and a forward leaning body language. Her behavior is mostly about the combination of her having lots of wants - hey we all do - and her partner - not establishing boundaries. 














Zeke199 said:


> Yes, thank you MEM11363 - I am willing to do each of these things and have repeatedly. That's part of how our conflict arises. I really do try to stick to the point in our discussions and try to return us from the numerous bunny trails which she injects to deflect her own responsibility. I believe a big part of this is she never had to be fully independent or struggle financially before we were married since her folks are well-to-do and live very nearby, so there occasionally is some element of reliance on them rather than to work through issues with the husband. Thankfully this is less now than before.


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## Zeke199 (May 21, 2010)

Hi, back again....

So 2 months have gone by while I applied most of the suggestions I received, and additional ones I've thought of. There have been glimmers of light on my wife's lack of boundaries on schedule & spending but they've been just as quickly doused by severe thunderstorms of emotion & yelling. The suggestion to sleep in another room has happened on a couple occasions but only serves to make her grumpy the next day, which unfortunately comes out stronger on my kids & me, so I've stopped that tactic.

What I acknowledge but don't understand is why she won't take the initiative to do her work on these issues, waits for me to start it for her, but also resents it every time I give her suggestions on how to budget or schedule. Maybe the consequences haven't been severe enough?

The problem I see is this has become institutionalized to the degree that conflict is nearly a daily occurrence unless I completely ignore her time floundering, pay the credit card bill without a 2nd thought, and basically just shutup, do my job, and be the sweet sensitive & loyal father type husband she demands with no expectations in return.

Divorce is not an option for me - resolving these issues is, for the good of everyone in my family. I see these issues as relatively simple to resolve - I have gone through much greater issues in my life so her overspending, overeating, and underplanning should be simple to resolve - WHY WON'T SHE DO IT?!?


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## LadyOfTheHouse (Jul 9, 2010)

she's being HORRIBLE. let me ask you this--i'm sure you're not exactly dying to spend time w/ her right now if this is the way she's acting, but have you tried scheduling all kinds of dates and stuff to force her to prioritize her husband and her family over her pressing volunteer activities? 

is she trying to escape something by making herself mindlessly busy? maybe she recognizes that she's fat, impatient, and has a sad life. maybe she hates herself for being an eternal dependent. and maybe she's rebelling by engaging in independent, thoughtless behavior...with YOUR money.

she's acting like a wayward teenaged brat. obviously she's not happy w/ what she's currently doing--happy people don't throw stuff, from what i've observed.

you definitely have the right to set some boundaries. you should NOT be disprespected in your own house. in fact, that's a good statement to make to her. but that behavior modification stuff MEM suggested? "you've overspent, so you can't sleep with me" for instance? that's counterproductive. would you resent being corrected like a backward child? give her an allowance. in cash. period. don't make it a disciplinary thing, just tell her 'we can't afford to keep living this way, so it'll be simpler to track our expenses and stay within the budget if we're not both constantly charging stuff. if there's something else you feel we ought to have, let me know and we'll run the numbers together and see if it's feasible." keep it factual and non-accusatory.

to answer your last question, she won't do it because she's irrationally resentful of you and apparently not ready to behave like a grownup and tell you why. YOU'RE the strong one in this situation. show her some love--try to remember who she was when you married her--and don't tolerate her rebellious brattiness.

we'll discuss the overeating thing later. do you guys have sex?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Zeke,
What have you done that really "got through" to your wife? 

Are you willing to take decisive steps? Are you willing to turn off her credit cards and take away the checkbook and put her on a cash allowance? 

Have you insisted on MC? 

Have you spoken to her parents about the environment she is creating for their grandchildren? Have you asked them to speak to her? 

Do you really feel like YOU are setting a good example for your kids with regard to how they should deal with a bully?




Zeke199 said:


> Hi, back again....
> 
> So 2 months have gone by while I applied most of the suggestions I received, and additional ones I've thought of. There have been glimmers of light on my wife's lack of boundaries on schedule & spending but they've been just as quickly doused by severe thunderstorms of emotion & yelling. The suggestion to sleep in another room has happened on a couple occasions but only serves to make her grumpy the next day, which unfortunately comes out stronger on my kids & me, so I've stopped that tactic.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree with the cash allowance. I also agree that my suggestion that he move out of the bedroom over budget problems was not good advice. 

The real issue is that he blames "her" for a lack of boundaries when the fact is he has no boundaries. He is completely unwilling to have "real" conflict with her. 




LadyOfTheHouse said:


> she's being HORRIBLE. let me ask you this--i'm sure you're not exactly dying to spend time w/ her right now if this is the way she's acting, but have you tried scheduling all kinds of dates and stuff to force her to prioritize her husband and her family over her pressing volunteer activities?
> 
> is she trying to escape something by making herself mindlessly busy? maybe she recognizes that she's fat, impatient, and has a sad life. maybe she hates herself for being an eternal dependent. and maybe she's rebelling by engaging in independent, thoughtless behavior...with YOUR money.
> 
> ...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I can relate to your post. There was a time when I acted much as your wife is behaving. However, in my case it was due to working (building a business) and doing ALL of the household duties. No one else would even lift a finger--except to play video games. lol There for a period of 8 years, I only got 5 hours of sleep each night. Our life was in chaos and the chaos finally won.

Once my husband moved out of the house over two years ago, I finally got some perspective. And I got the sleep I needed. My house now stays clean and meals are cooked. We can even get to school and appointments on time; we actually even arrive early. My advice to you is to assign chores and set up a schedule. Then, tell your wife the volunteer work needs to go--the family comes first. Also, some of the kid-related activities can probably also be cut. By cutting those two things it would save a pile of money. You'll be amazed! Next, do out a budget and stick to it. Finally, go see a marriage counselor and figure out what all the problems are. Perhaps even see if your wife needs individual therapy. At this point, I wouldn't give your wife a choice. Putting off resolving the issues will only intensify the problems in your house for every one. Trust me; these things don't improve on their own.

Hang in there and don't be afraid to ask God for help also.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My first suggestion is regarding the throwing things at you and the kids and screaming. I'm NOT suggesting she's abusing them, please don't misunderstand. HOWEVER, point out to her that if someone who doesn't know her and doesn't know the context of why she's doing that saw her do it, they could call Child Protective Services, report her as abusing them, and cause a whole lot of problems for you both, problems that could ultimately result in the removal of your children from your care. That, if she truly loves the kids, should absolutely terrify her and cause her to pay more attention to that. 

The time management is a little harder to figure out. I've always been pretty good with it, so I've never really thought about the how to's of it. I think the suggestion someone else made of giving her your schedule with things that cannot be changed highlighted and telling her that you will work with her when you can on stuff, but that if she doesn't plan well, you're not going to bend over backwards to fix things for her. 

Money management...as stupid as it sounds, and as childish as it will make her feel...give her an allowance. Give her a set amount each week or month that she is allowed to spend as she sees fit. Explain to her that it's to be used for whatever she wants (cigs if she smokes, drinks if she likes to go out, books, movies, eating out, whatever), but when it's gone, it's gone. If she has an emergency come up, or some really great reason to go over (she's run out of money for the month but there's a really great band coming to give a concert and they may never come again), you can discuss giving her more, but for the most part, when she runs out, she doesn't get more. Some people just cannot control their spending, no matter how hard they try, unless you force them to by taking control of the money for them. 

You have to be firm, almost like she's one of the kids. Don't let her get away with things you find unacceptable. If you think she doesn't realize something is unacceptable to you, then make sure she does. Decide on consequences for when she does one of those unacceptable things, and then follow through. It's hard, but just like a child, eventually she will learn, and things will (hopefully) get under control and better.


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

This is rarely one-sided. You both need counseling. Both of you should go to a marriage counselor and if she doesn't want to go, you should go alone.

If you go alone, the counselor will either (a) give you the means to help change the situation, (b) give you the means to accept the situation as is or (c) give you the means to leave.

But it can't go on.


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