# On staying busy, and creating a new life!



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Okay, so I have been divorced for about 4 months now. I will be honest, if I did not stay busy during my separation last April until now, I don't know how I would have handled all of the stress, depression, and adaptation that was required as I went through that tumultuous time.

I want this to be a place to share your stories about what you had to do to deal with divorce - during the process and afterwards. How did you occupy your time? How did you get through marital milestones? In what ways did you cope with all of the emotions?

Divorce is such an overwhelming emotional experience and if you do not adapt, you fall apart. But since I know you are all fighters here, you are still here and taking it day by day. Be proud, but know it's okay to fall apart every once in a while! We have your back 

~ Canaan


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

You are very much correct. Staying busy is my lifeline right now. I try to make plans that are fun for the kids and I to do on the weekends and have their friends over during the week. When I don't have them, I tend to focus on a house project or plan a dinner with friends or a nice long bath.

I would really like to start working out again and that is my goal now. I have lost a lot of weight through this all and continue to not focus on eating and being healthy, so that is my next goal.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I joined a women's support group. Now I co-run my own women's coffee meet up on weekends. 

I went back to school to work on my masters. 
I did a number of volunteer jobs, in and around town. Animal shelters and jobs for the local council on aging. 

I offered to attend more conferences for my job as an information gatherer, so I could have some more freedom to travel and socialize instead of being planted behind my desk day after day. Good for networking in general and it helps me to gain knowledge in my field. 

I picked up my crochet hooks again. I hadn't done a project in a few years. I'd suggest picking up an old hobby you loved and learn to love it again. It brings me joy to see a new baby wrapped in one of my afghans.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I moved into a 20 year old house that hadn't been updated since it was built or maintained properly.  So there's lots of work to do on the interior - wall paper removal, painting, window treatments, new lighting, new fixtures, tiling, cabinetry, etc.. It also has a large yard with tons of flower beds, fruit trees, shrubs, an overgrown vegetables garden and a solid acre of grass to keep up. Plenty to do around the house.

I've begun taking a yoga class twice a week. I serve on the boards of two community organizations, am an active member in another two community groups, and am serving as the president of the local Chamber of Commerce this year. My son and I go to more movies, the zoo, museums, and events, we have a regular "old movie night" each week at home, and we go to a family and friends pot-luck every Sunday night at a my best friend's pond house. I'm also dealing with all the family stuff that has sprung up in the wake of Mom's recent health crisis and my grandmother's recent recurrence of breast cancer. 

Interestingly, I have more going on than ever before, but I'm actually less stressed by my life in general than when I was married.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Let's see...
Joined a gym, joined a ton of meet ups (which are fun), started networking hard, moved to a new area, joined a church, started dating.



Part of this was due to the fact that I moved so needed to build a social and professional network. It has kept me busy, which is good.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I remodeled my kitchen, with my two girls, painted my bedroom, and fixed up our basement into a family room. All were things I wanted done before the marriage exploded and the ex always had an excuse as to why it couldn't get done. Once he was out, we girls managed to get things done just fine without him. My house now.


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## backik (Mar 12, 2009)

You're so right Clawed. Without keeping busy, finding a new life for yourself going through a divorce is even more painful. Even if there are days where you just don't "feel" like making an effort to put yourself in positive social situations you find yourself putting your big kid pants on and rolling with it. My D finalizes in less than a month. When I think about where I was when I separated almost 10 months ago to now, it's a completely different person. Time really does help.

Things that kept me sane were keeping every moment of my day filled with work or activities. Lucky me I had a rather extensive circle of friends outside of marriage - after separation I didn't find myself alone.

There were moments where I didn't feel like I had any alone time but then again after separation I had to move into a roommate situation so it wasn't like I was getting privacy anyway. The city I live in is ridiculously expensive so it's not easy to find a 1bdrm apartment for under $2600 - $3k/month. Lucky for me I'm moving into my own place next month - again... something that I look forward to post D.

What really helped was having 2 really close friends who were divorced as well to turn to for advice. As much as I love all my friends, divorce and what comes with it is something that only those who've been through it can truly understand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've been finding things and meeting people on the site...

Find your people - Meetup

It's not a dating site... a site for finding things to do. and while you are doing these things you will meet people with similar interests.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

I feel bad for not re-visiting this thread sooner, but...

Wow!! It's sounds like everyone who has posted did some really constructive things to occupy their time.

*How many of you can relate to going into "survival mode" once the ex leaves / moves out? * My ex left me when I was hospitalized. I was self-admitted on a Friday for suicidal thoughts I was having (I had recently found out my ex cheated), and I called my then wife to let her know where I was and that I would need some things for my stay. Then I called my in-laws... and then friends... the first day I never received a response from anyone. I was in the hospital, and as far as I knew, no one even knew I was there! I heard from my mom that next day, as well as two of my friends. On Sunday morning I received a call from my wife, who says in a cold, mean voice "just wanted to let you know I left, and I don't plan to come back, I'm done." I was floored, I did not see that coming, I loved my wife more than anything in the world, and I thought I meant the world to her... we were in a healing process after the affair, and things had never seemed better between us.

... so talk about going into survival mode! I was released and kissed the ground I was so happy to be free. But, I realized that my world was not the same as when I went in 3 days earlier. Everything had changed and I knew I had a hard road ahead of me.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm not so much the "keeping busy" type. I do have a great job and work hard there, but not so much the nose-to-the-grindstone person otherwise. For me, just being able to get up and not do anything if i didn't want to was very relaxing and healing. I didn't add any extra projects or business, but just enjoyed the peace.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Clawed said:


> Okay, so I have been divorced for about 4 months now. I will be honest, if I did not stay busy during my separation last April until now, I don't know how I would have handled all of the stress, depression, and adaptation that was required as I went through that tumultuous time.
> 
> I want this to be a place to share your stories about what you had to do to deal with divorce - during the process and afterwards. How did you occupy your time? How did you get through marital milestones? In what ways did you cope with all of the emotions?
> 
> ...


Go spend some time over at MGTOWHQ.COM or The Red Pill Room Blogspot or GOINGYOUROWNWAY.COM or AVOICEFORMEN.COM. 

Be grateful that you are no longer on the marriage plantation where your role there is nothing more than a 'utility' to her.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

Don't discount the above. Some of the happiest men I know have sworn off women all together. I'm an addict, however.

Guns and tactical schools/competitions. Rebuild a muscle car or motorcycle. Organized sports (paintball, martial arts, amateur leagues). Knitting. Anything to keep you going forward.


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## HollowKat (Mar 23, 2013)

Been over a year since D-Day and 2 months officially divorced. I'm much happier with my life and freedoms. I've gotten really into obstacle course racing like Spartan Races/ Mud Runs and I've never been in better shape in my entire life. Lots of people who knew me before are amazed at the stronger looking me and ask what I did to achieve these results. I've gotten more involved in my religion and I have plenty of time (and money) to get into hobbies. I was able to pay off two cards and working on two more, gotten promoted and possibly repositioned to another higher position by my former company (long story short is I put in my two weeks notice and was asked by my boss's boss what it would take to keep me) Found another job with higher pay and less work (always a good thing lol) so having two jobs will help pay off my debt faster. I am also noticing a lot of things about people that I would take for granted before so I am a more social person. 

However I still struggle with the loneliness every now and then and everywhere I look, Facebook or in person, I can't help in longing for a partner to share memories with. I thought I met a nice girl but after the first date I got friend zoned but I'm over it now. 

In short, I'm just enjoying life for what it has to offer and improving myself and my perspective into what I want, not what someone else wants. Haven't looked back since then!


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## HollowKat (Mar 23, 2013)

And as far as survival mode, I realized I needed to stop wondering how she is doing or why none of her "family" members called just to check on me. Also, her mom was talking to my aunt and mentioned to her how "I was always playing video games and was immature" but whatever, I have all the evidence so if they try to spread rumors about me, I can squash that fast and make them look like idiots. Sooner or later you realize you have mainly yourself to care for. And there's ALWAYS someone who cares for you, whether it be God, parents, siblings, friends, just reach out to them. If they are busy then don't stress it, they have their lives to worry about too. The sooner you control your life, the better off you'll be.


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## Abandoned25 (May 30, 2013)

Got my divorce decree about two weeks ago after a year of battling. I admit that I have spent too much time over the past year sitting and stewing about things. I am trying to re-balance my life. I also spent a great deal of time compiling or creating documents, daily logs, etc. to help my case and/or reduce my legal expenses. Since winning primary custody of my two boys this past September, I have had to adapt to becoming a nearly full-time dad and housekeeper, and am proud that I was able to do that. Not only did I need to be a good dad, I had to be super-dad and mom for those boys, and I will continue to do my best to do what is best for them. I am not interested in dating at this time, but my focus now is to work more hours per day at my job. I work for myself, out of my home, which was very beneficial to me during the divorce process, as I could easily demonstrate that I would always have enough time for my boys without the need for daycare. Speaking of work, better get at it!


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I have just woke and while waiting on the D which is coming for sure, anxius was making me very miserable. 

Threw a lot of things that were not usable anymore, and papers, today I am cleaning my closet and I am working in a puzzle which I love. Going to cooking classes and waiting for a wonderful trip which I love to do and he doesnt (travel). So time for doing things for us and start checking on bucket list things


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

i have only been divorce for a month and half, separated this time since january. i have been an emotional train wreck and he continues to be hateful, throws his new girlfriend in my face every chance he gets and continues to tell me to "get over it"

however, he left me with a mess to deal with. yard was full of junk projects he started and never finished. house and vehicles too. garage was such a wreck you couldnt even walk into it, even thou for the past 8 months he would stay out in garage until 2 am telling me he was "Cleaning it". unpaid bills, broken items, etc so i have been busy with cleaning up the messes he left me with. doing yard work, and fixing up the house. last weekend i cleaned out my closets and fixing things up the way they should have been and the way i like them. i really am organized and for some reason when i was married i never seemed to get it together. i have a ton of pictures to put in albums and have been dreading it since they contain a bunch of him in there. but i am getting to the point where i think i can tackle that next. i can finally walk into the garage and find the part i need. it has been a cleansing experience


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