# Love is not enough



## nobeliefinhim (Aug 31, 2012)

I am 49 and have been married to my 2nd husband for 9 years. I have 3 children and he has 3 children. One of his daughters has lived with us since she was 12. She now is 18 with a baby who is 1 and they both live with us. My children are 25,21 and 15. My 21 and 15 live with us. Before we got married I disclosed all my financial issues. I told him I could pay all household bills and my personal bills if he could pay house note and his personal bills. He said he could. I moved into his 4500 sq ft house and by all appearances he was financially sound. A few months after we were married I found out he was anything but. Since then he has had at least 11 jobs. I can't trust that he will ever be able to financially support me or this family. I have been the breadwinner the entire time we have been married and now support is daughter and baby. He is a good man but has no concept of reality when it comes to money he quits jobs at a whim and is always saying this job is the next big thing only to fall apart in a few months. We are in debt up to our ear and have no retirement. At this point I am worried about my well being I need to start putting something back to take care of myself but I can't do that if I stay and take care of him and everyone else. I love him and I know he loves me but is it enough and what about my step grandchild if I leave he can't help him. I don't know what to do but every day seems to get worse the stress of all of this is awful. If anyone has some sound advice I would really be very thankful for it


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

sounds like its time for a nice good fireside chat with hubby and explain to him that he needs to live up to his end of the bargain, if he is not capable of doing that then you need to make another decision, I feel that should put something away maybe a 100.00 a month to start for retirement and pay your self first then comes the bills by priorty and the dil w baby needs to help as well either get a job or move out its time especially since she has some responsibilities as well 

Good Luck


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## nobeliefinhim (Aug 31, 2012)

Thanks for the advice. I have had the fire side chat 100's of times. It helps for a while but never with consistancy. As for daughter and baby she does work and go to school but I pay her car not, cell phone, insurance and she lives wth us free. I'm not sure what would happen if I didn't pay these things for her. I'm just so tired of worring about money when nobady else seems too. Everyone knows I will always find a way. But I"m wearing down


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Love is defined by actions and his failing to keep his promise IS an action. If you guys agreed and there are no crazy circumstances that caused this then he's not holding up his end of the deal.

How did he get into that house to begin with. Normally irresponsible people do not have enough credit for that type of purchase.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

100 a month? 

If you are wanting to plan for retirement, I would say don't go for a bank account. The interest is too low to be a suitable return. 

I would say go for income stocks. 

Now I know what you are thinking, but hear me out:
Income stocks operate differently. They aren't bought to be sold at a high return. They are bought because they pay out dividends on the stock. Even if it is only $.50 a share, that amount times the number of shares you have will probably be greater than any interest you get off a bank account. 
Also, income stocks behave differently. Their prices don't fluctate as much. Yes, they go up and down, but they tend to less volatile (if you buy the correct company, and a safe company). 
Thirdly, the dividends will be like the interest you would get off from a bank account, and you can sell the stock in 20 years when you retire, and that will be like making withdrawals on that account. 

Now, yes, there is some risk. So I wouldn't put everything in income stocks, just suggesting it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Any man who does not provide for his wife and family does not really love them.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Any man who does not provide for his wife and family does not really love them.


That's what I was trying to say too.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Just a question to ponder upon. If the roles were reversed and he was earning all the money and you were only earning sporadically do you think he would put the ownice on you or himself? I DO think you have the right to request him to be more responsible financially but before you go on divorcing him, would that simply be an example of Briffault's Law in action? Did you cut out that part of your vows about richer or poorer? Just curious.... something to ponder before you thing of the extreme option.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

But given that u are in dire straights, there should be NO time that he is unemployed. Does he suffer from depression or some other issue that causes the constant job instability? Is he quitting or being fired/let go?


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## QuestionsNoAnswers (Aug 24, 2012)

It is a really bitter pill to swallow when you realize that no, love isn't enough. There can't be true love where there isn't respect, and I just don't see how you can respect a man that doesn't take his obligations to his family seriously. The economy is tough, and jobs are scarce. But if he has had ELEVEN jobs, I cannot believe that he couldn't choose to suck it up and make ONE of them work. 

Sit down and list out every single thing that needs to be paid for. Bills, groceries, mortgage, etc - everything. Then be brutally honest about your responsibilities and his responsibilities and split the list. Put everything that is your fair share under your responsibilities (household bills and personal bills) and everything that is his fair share under his. Not what he can afford, but what is fair. You should not be paying anything for his daughter, for example. 

Sit down with him after you've made the two lists, and tell him you will no longer be paying for ANYTHING that is his fair share. If he doesn't pay it, then it doesn't get paid. Put all the extra money you're no longer paying for his household into a savings account. Be strong and DON'T buckle if you get put under pressure. Either the money for those things comes out of his pockets, or it doesn't come at all.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

QuestionsNoAnswers said:


> It is a really bitter pill to swallow when you realize that no, love isn't enough. There can't be true love where there isn't respect, and I just don't see how you can respect a man that doesn't take his obligations to his family seriously. The economy is tough, and jobs are scarce. But if he has had ELEVEN jobs, I cannot believe that he couldn't choose to suck it up and make ONE of them work.
> 
> Sit down and list out every single thing that needs to be paid for. Bills, groceries, mortgage, etc - everything. Then be brutally honest about your responsibilities and his responsibilities and split the list. Put everything that is your fair share under your responsibilities (household bills and personal bills) and everything that is his fair share under his. Not what he can afford, but what is fair. You should not be paying anything for his daughter, for example.
> 
> Sit down with him after you've made the two lists, and tell him you will no longer be paying for ANYTHING that is his fair share. If he doesn't pay it, then it doesn't get paid. Put all the extra money you're no longer paying for his household into a savings account. Be strong and DON'T buckle if you get put under pressure. Either the money for those things comes out of his pockets, or it doesn't come at all.


Loving someone is not enough to be more specific. They have to love you back and you have to know how to tell if they love you back. Providing affection and words are just a piece of it.

It's messed up that parents don't pass this down to kids. I guess they don't want to mess up the fairy tale. We confuse that infatuation phase for "true love" when we are young. Some young people would get it though if someone just gave them some constraints that have to applied in order for it to be love.


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## nobeliefinhim (Aug 31, 2012)

All the advice everyone is giving me is great, in answer to your questions, He got the house because before we were married he owned a pool company that he lost in his 1st marriage. When we met he was working for another pool company not making enough to pay his bills( a fact I didn't know until after we were married) He was selling things he had to pay bills ( big equipment stuff) When the stuff was gone he couldn't pay his bills. I was totally honest with him up front and was devastated when I found all this out just a few months after we were married. I thought about leaving then but my children were 14,12 and 5 at the time and I had just moved them and thought it would be hard on them to move so soon after. Plus I loved him and did not marry him for his money. He is a good man and I wanted to belief in him. So for 9 yrs it has been up and down. He has quit been fired and not had a job for a lot of the marriage. His mother bails him out a lot. About a year ago I did split up the bills I pay all my personal bills ( medical credit cards and my kids stuff} and all the house hold bills water, electric, cell phones, cable, food, gas, car insurance, 2 car payments, everything but the house note and his medical debt and credit cards. he has been paying the house note but nothing else and most of the time he gets the money from his mother. he is fun and loving and caring but is not realistic about money. Of course I am not perfect either I spend money when I don't really have it just for spite because I feel like at 50 years old I shouldn't be in this position and wouldn't be if I hadn't married him. BUT I did and I have stayed. Sometimes I think I am crazy because I am not sure if I really know him Is he using me? and if I leave what then I have a 15 year old who wants to stay at the same school until she graduates and I have a bond with the baby. I know he is my step grand baby but I have been here with his daughter and the baby and love them like my own. I can be frustrated with my step daughter but to be so young she is trying she works and goes to collage the problem is she still doesn't realize the sacrifices that so many people are making for her. Everyone who meets my husband thinks I am so lucky he cooks cleans is affectionate all the things that most women want but they don't know about the financial mess. I love him but I don't think I respect him. Right now my plan is to stay until my 15 yr old goes off to collage and hope that he get it figure out by then. There is still a part of me that thinks I should go now. What does everyone else think I should do?


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## QuestionsNoAnswers (Aug 24, 2012)

nobeliefinhim said:


> About a year ago I did split up the bills I pay all my personal bills ( medical credit cards and my kids stuff} and all the house hold bills water, electric, cell phones, cable, food, gas, car insurance, 2 car payments, everything but the house note and his medical debt and credit cards.


No, you didn't split up the bills. This is not a fair split. You took on all the bills. Stop paying for anyone's cell phone but yours. If you're on a family plan, get off it. Stop paying anyone's car payment and/or insurance but yours. Decide which utility YOU can live most easily without and stop paying for it, or only pay your (and your children's) fair share of it. It will probably get cut off, but the most important thing to remember is that he needs to experience the consequences of not having a job.

And by the way - good men don't lie about their financial situation before getting married. Go now and save yourself the money.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

nobeliefinhim said:


> All the advice everyone is giving me is great, in answer to your questions, He got the house because before we were married he owned a pool company that he lost in his 1st marriage. When we met he was working for another pool company not making enough to pay his bills( a fact I didn't know until after we were married) He was selling things he had to pay bills ( big equipment stuff) When the stuff was gone he couldn't pay his bills. I was totally honest with him up front and was devastated when I found all this out just a few months after we were married. I thought about leaving then but my children were 14,12 and 5 at the time and I had just moved them and thought it would be hard on them to move so soon after. Plus I loved him and did not marry him for his money. He is a good man and I wanted to belief in him. So for 9 yrs it has been up and down. He has quit been fired and not had a job for a lot of the marriage. His mother bails him out a lot. About a year ago I did split up the bills I pay all my personal bills ( medical credit cards and my kids stuff} and all the house hold bills water, electric, cell phones, cable, food, gas, car insurance, 2 car payments, everything but the house note and his medical debt and credit cards. he has been paying the house note but nothing else and most of the time he gets the money from his mother. he is fun and loving and caring but is not realistic about money. Of course I am not perfect either I spend money when I don't really have it just for spite because I feel like at 50 years old I shouldn't be in this position and wouldn't be if I hadn't married him. BUT I did and I have stayed. Sometimes I think I am crazy because I am not sure if I really know him Is he using me? and if I leave what then I have a 15 year old who wants to stay at the same school until she graduates and I have a bond with the baby. I know he is my step grand baby but I have been here with his daughter and the baby and love them like my own. I can be frustrated with my step daughter but to be so young she is trying she works and goes to collage the problem is she still doesn't realize the sacrifices that so many people are making for her. Everyone who meets my husband thinks I am so lucky he cooks cleans is affectionate all the things that most women want but they don't know about the financial mess. I love him but I don't think I respect him. Right now my plan is to stay until my 15 yr old goes off to collage and hope that he get it figure out by then. There is still a part of me that thinks I should go now. What does everyone else think I should do?


I feel bad for you. It would be easy to get into that situation because he seemed so stable at the beginning and not just his actions but also his assets.

Different circumstance but I cosigned for my sis one time because she had borrowed smaller amounts and always paid it back. Turns out she never paid anything back. Our mom gave her the money to pay me back. Maybe his mom paying his bills is what caused him to be this way from the beginning.

Anyway, I would be having the same questions you have and I'm sorry I don't know the answers for you. It's obvious though that he'll eventually be accountable as we all are. Don't let him drag you down too far.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

HappyHubby said:


> Just a question to ponder upon. If the roles were reversed and he was earning all the money and you were only earning sporadically do you think he would put the ownice on you or himself? I DO think you have the right to request him to be more responsible financially but before you go on divorcing him, would that simply be an example of Briffault's Law in action? Did you cut out that part of your vows about richer or poorer? Just curious.... something to ponder before you thing of the extreme option.


There is some truth to this. 

My husband and I have been together for almost six years and married for two. He lost his job due to the downturn and could not find ANYTHING for a whole year. Our wedding was tiny and we have to rent unlike most people in our families.

I hardly earn anything and I am currently attending college to change careers. My husband supports both of us without complaining. I suppose he could leave me for a more successful woman, but he appreciates the fact that I did not turn my back on him when times were tough. 

My BIL and his wife live a more affluent lifestyle because their province has a very low cost of living. I was envious of them until I saw how they argue and they aren't happy together. I would rather be happy and poor than angry and affluent.

I do agree that the OP's husband is being unfair and immature about sharing expenses. The lies were not helpful either.


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## QuestionsNoAnswers (Aug 24, 2012)

The most important thing, I think is not how much money one partner brings in vs. the other but how much each person is supporting the marriage.

A SAHM doesn't bring in money, but she is doing important work for the family and supporting the marriage. You may not be working because you're in school, but you're doing a responsible thing to better your life and your husband's life. It's not so much about cash as it is about effort. 

So I see this as a totally different situation from what is described in the OP. This is a husband who has no interest in supporting the marriage, who is not responsible, and is not only NOT trying to better their life, he's actively resisting it by refusing to hold down work when there was clearly some kind of work available. 

Supporting a partner who is actively working to better themselves and their lives by going to school is totally different than supporting a partner who does not contribute.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Thanks for the kind words. I don't feel that my housework and cooking is as important as bringing in money; we do not have children. My husband disagrees because he says I am making his life easier by making sure he is well fed and comes home to a clean place. 

I will feel less guilt once I am working again. 

You are so right when you talk about the OP not contributing at all. That is completely unacceptable.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am sorry he lied about his financial situation before you got married. It happens more than you think.

This is a tough call because you love him. Also, depending on your state laws, if you divorce, you may have to pay him alimony.

I don't know why he can't keep a job or why his self-esteem is so low to allow you to support him at his age but a clue is that his Mother still bails him out so he's okay with handouts.

No disrespect, but you must realize that you are enabling this behavior by supporting him. Do you give him spending money for his hobbies or to buy things (wants not needs)?


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## shenox (Sep 12, 2012)

Did you talk about this matter with your husband ? clearly talk and get a decision about it. I don't mean something like divorce, but something related to his job,.


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