# I confronted my H with his EA and PA



## Aaminah (Aug 13, 2012)

I confronted my H last night with questions & evidence of his EA & PA....He tried to use reverse phycology on me smh. He told that he was online talking dirty to different women but his intentions wasn't to cheat. He did it because I was snooping. He also said the reason why he calls them baby is because it's just a nickname nothing serious smh. He even went to the extreme to say that he feels that I am disloyal to him because I snoop through his things and I talked to someone that I thought was my friend for some advice about him communicating with other women. He said he feels like I treat him like Im the cops & he's the prisoner. So he turns around and have "friendships" with these women because I pushed him to do it......At this point I feel like I'm having an outer body experience I just feel numb....he half a$$ takes the blame for his actions & also blames it on me. Oh & might I add that he swears up & down he never had four play or sexual intercourse with anyone. He's my first. I've known him for 20 years. We have seven children. 4 of them are from my first marriage. Two of them are from a previous relationship that he was in & we have one daughter together. I want to leave so bad, I just feel really weird right now I can't explain this feeling but I know two words for it is "Betrayed" & "Disrespected"


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Gaslighting


he's trying to make you feel crazy when you have undeniable proof


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

He thinks so little of you that he thinks youll take the blame. And by the looks of it he may be right.


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## Aaminah (Aug 13, 2012)

I agree! He's walking around looking depressed.....my original date to leave is still in action!!!!


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Aaminah said:


> I agree! He's walking around looking depressed.....my original date to leave is still in action!!!!


Why would you leave???? He cheated he needs to leave.


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## Aaminah (Aug 13, 2012)

I agree with you....but please believe me when I say....I NEED A FRESH START


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

You need to slow down. Do not make decisions in this mental state.

First, you need to try and get to a better mental place. Go for a walk, take the kids to the park, talk to a trusted friend...something to get you in a better place.

Second, he is filling you full of crap. His behavior is standard stuff. Many cheating spouses act this way. As mentioned, it is called gaslighting around here. If I were you I would read up. There are sticky posts in this forum. You are going to see that the behavior of cheater's does vary too much. You will see patterns. You will know you are not alone.

You need to know what a 180 is, if only to protect yourself from his accusations. You have ever right to check up on your husband just as he has every right to check up on you.

You did nothing wrong. You do not deserve this. Go take care of yourself and find a small bit of peace to build on.


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## Aaminah (Aug 13, 2012)

Falene said:


> You need to slow down. Do not make decisions in this mental state.
> 
> First, you need to try and get to a better mental place. Go for a walk, take the kids to the park, talk to a trusted friend...something to get you in a better place.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I will do that asap....Sometimes I don't have the strength for this mess it's taking too much out of me


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Gaslighting
> 
> 
> he's trying to make you feel crazy when you have undeniable proof


And blameshifting, 



> So he turns around and have "friendships" with these women because I pushed him to do it


What a manipulator.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Wait, he was your first - but you have 4 kids from a previous marrriage? Can you clarify?:scratchhead:


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Aaminah said:


> I confronted my H last night with questions & evidence of his EA & PA....He tried to use reverse phycology on me smh. He told that he was online talking dirty to different women but his attentions wasn't to cheat. He did it because I was snooping. He also said the reason why he calls them baby is because it's just a nickname nothing serious smh. He even went to the extreme to say that he feels that I am disloyal to him because I snoop through his things and I talked to someone that I thought was my friend for some advice about him communicating with other women. He said he feels like I treat him like Im the cops & he's the prisoner. So he turns around and have "friendships" with these women because I pushed him to do it......At this point I feel like I'm having an outer body experience I just feel numb....he half a$$ takes the blame for his actions & also blames it on me. Oh & might I add that he swears up & down he never had four play or sexual intercourse with anyone. He's my first. I've know him for 20 years. We have seven children. 4 of them are from my first marriage. Two of them are from a previous relationship he was in & we have one daughter together. I want to leave so bad, I just feel really weird right now I can't explain this feeling but I know two words for it is "Betrayed" & "Disrespected"


My response would be. "That is the lamest, most shallow, and ridiculous answer I have ever heard. You honestly think I am gonna fall for that line of horse manure(TAM edit). IF you say something that moronic to me again I will take my kids and leave. They you can have any communication you want with these online ****s.


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## Aaminah (Aug 13, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> And blameshifting,
> 
> 
> 
> What a manipulator.


I told him exactly what you said last night....He denies mostly everything...And I told him that I'm on to him & his manipulating ways....I can't believe that I'm going through this. I've been through hell & back...& this is what I get for being loyal smh


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## Aaminah (Aug 13, 2012)

badbane said:


> My response would be. "That is the lamest, most shallow, and ridiculous answer I have ever heard. You honestly think I am gonna fall for that line of horse manure(TAM edit). IF you say something that moronic to me again I will take my kids and leave. They you can have any communication you want with these online ****s.


That's exactly what I'm going to say!!!....But I'm not going to him anymore, I'm playing the silent role. He's walking around with the mad face looking depressed as if I snaked him smh. I'm not giving in to this behavior anymore. If he comes to me I will repeat exactly what you said. Tbh I feel like I had a drink or two & I'm completely sober smh....Why me???


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## Aaminah (Aug 13, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Wait, he was your first - but you have 4 kids from a previous marrriage? Can you clarify?:scratchhead:


We've been on & off since we were younger. I know it's confusing but he went away for almost ten years. When he came back I was going through a divorce, my ex husband was mentally, emotionally, & physically abusive to me & my children while I was pregnant. My current H pulled me through that time I thought that was end of me. My H is my bestfriend or at least I thought he was. He's a great father....but when it comes to me & after everything I've been through this is what I get now....stabbed in the back smh in tears right now I finally faced him


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Aaminah said:


> We've been on & off since we were younger. I know it's confusing but he went away for almost ten years. When he came back I was going through a divorce, my ex husband was mentally, emotionally, & physically abusive to me & my children while I was pregnant. My current H pulled me through that time I thought that was end of me. My H is my bestfriend or at least I thought he was. He's a great father....but when it comes to me & after everything I've been through this is what I get now....stabbed in the back smh in tears right now I finally faced him


How can one be a great parent and not be a great spouse? That IMO is impossible!


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## Aaminah (Aug 13, 2012)

You're entitled to your opinion Im not here to persuade you or defend him. But my kids don't have a clue on what's going on between us we keep that far far far away from them. Our problems don't exist when they come home from school/camp.


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## Aaminah (Aug 13, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> How can one be a great parent and not be a great spouse? That IMO is impossible!


You're entitled to your opinion Im not here to persuade you or defend him. But my kids don't have a clue on what's going on between us we keep that far far far away from them. Our problems don't exist when they come home from school/camp.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Aaminah said:


> You're entitled to your opinion Im not here to persuade you or defend him. *But my kids don't have a clue on what's going on between us* we keep that far far far away from them. *Our problems don't exist when they come home from school/camp.*


I'm sorry, I have to disagree on this. Kids are much more perceptive than you may think. While you may keep it as far away from them as possible, they DO pick up on the tension. And, they DO know when something is "off" between mom and dad.


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## Aaminah (Aug 13, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> I'm sorry, I have to disagree on this. Kids are much more perceptive than you may think. While you may keep it as far away from them as possible, they DO pick up on the tension. And, they DO know when something is "off" between mom and dad.


I agree....that's mainly why I'm leaving. I don't want to live like this anymore.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sbrown said:


> How can one be a great parent and not be a great spouse? That IMO is impossible!


I disagree with this. One can compartmentalize, be doting to their kids, while ignoring their spouse and cheating on them. Absolutely. We see this all the time.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I have to say that my husband is a good father too.

I also have to say that a good father doesn't put his children at risk by having an affair.

Don't you just love the contradictions of life? lol


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Aaminah said:


> We've been on & off since we were younger. I know it's confusing but he went away for almost ten years. When he came back I was going through a divorce, my ex husband was mentally, emotionally, & physically abusive to me & my children while I was pregnant. My current H pulled me through that time I thought that was end of me. My H is my bestfriend or at least I thought he was. He's a great father....but when it comes to me & after everything I've been through this is what I get now....stabbed in the back smh in tears right now I finally faced him


I am not excusing his behavior in anyway. But it is like a drug. He probably did it just for fun once. Then he realized that all this new attention made him feel good. Then he kept going getting deeper and deeper into it. He got hooked on all those good feelings you get when you have a new relationship. 
It was wrong and you need to nip this in the bud. I would not say that this is unrecoverable. I would not say that he doesn't love you. I would say he needs to quit and you both need to get help in the form of a MC. 
Then you and him need IC. So you can work on getting over the abuse (I go through this with my wife and I wish she would get some help).

Don't you dare take any blame for this.


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## Aaminah (Aug 13, 2012)

badbane said:


> I am not excusing his behavior in anyway. But it is like a drug. He probably did it just for fun once. Then he realized that all this new attention made him feel good. Then he kept going getting deeper and deeper into it. He got hooked on all those good feelings you get when you have a new relationship.
> It was wrong and you need to nip this in the bud. I would not say that this is unrecoverable. I would not say that he doesn't love you. I would say he needs to quit and you both need to get help in the form of a MC.
> Then you and him need IC. So you can work on getting over the abuse (I go through this with my wife and I wish she would get some help).
> 
> Don't you dare take any blame for this.


It's hard being in the same house with someone that enjoys playing mind games. Right now he's in the den & I'm in the living room. He isn't talking to me as if I was the ***** of the town giving away all of my goods. He reversed this whole thing on me & I'm tired of it. I'm trying to cool down a tad bit so I won't go haywire on him. He doesn't deserve me if he's putting his deceitful ways on me.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Aaminah said:


> It's hard being in the same house with someone that enjoys playing mind games. Right now he's in the den & I'm in the living room. He isn't talking to me as if I was the ***** of the town giving away all of my goods. He reversed this whole thing on me & I'm tired of it. I'm trying to cool down a tad bit so I won't go haywire on him. He doesn't deserve me if he's putting his deceitful ways on me.


Up the ante then.. Escalate the situation to the point that he can't weisel out of it. Threaten to leave the house for and extended period of time with the kids. 
If he won't shape up. Pull a travel case out and start filling. Right in front of him. If he calls your bluff be prepared to follow through.


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## Aaminah (Aug 13, 2012)

badbane said:


> Up the ante then.. Escalate the situation to the point that he can't weisel out of it. Threaten to leave the house for and extended period of time with the kids.
> If he won't shape up. Pull a travel case out and start filling. Right in front of him. If he calls your bluff be prepared to follow through.


I've made up my mind. I can't stay with someone who will deceive me & then to top it off blame his affairs on me. I'm gone!


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