# Fight for it or give up



## Thmack (Mar 28, 2021)

Hi, I’m new here, looking for some outside points of view.
so my wife and I are separated we’ve been together for 22 years married for 18 we both been married once before I’m 15 years older than she is I’m 64 and she’s just turning 50. All in all we’ve had a pretty good life together some ups and downs but we’ve always persevered and made it work. The one thing that isn’t good or hasn’t been good is that we both work hard and have pressure jobs, we tend to come home and have a few drinks every night to unwind and relax from the day. In the last six months my wife started hanging out with a girlfriend of hers and leaving the house to meet her after I’ve gone to bed. I’m sure that started out a little innocent but then I found text where she met a guy hanging out with this woman. I confronted her when I found these texts they were hard to read and I could tell this was all drunk and stupid ****. I think she’s going through menopause and I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not but I’ve heard some crazy stuff about that. She’s been gone a month now lives in an apartment about a mile away we share a dog and see each other regularly and it’s been very amicable. I didn’t get mad mad yell scream or get violent Im just Super sad. She’s a good lady all in all a teacher I am a designer and I guess my question to everybody here is is is the age difference in the end is that going to be the deal. I should’ve paid more attention to her there’s no doubt but the problem is is alcohol and when she was buzzed was the only time she wanted to be close or have sex, it just wasn’t appealing after a whilenot to say that I didn’t have a buzz to but she had a bigger one she just didn’t know when to stop and still doesn’t. I’m a healthy man 6 foot six little overweight but not bad but I have lacked in the sexual drive department lately. So here I am alone with my cat thinking about all the wonderful memories and travels that we had and how sad this is. I’m burying my head in work trying to not think about it........ I told her that I would give her another chance if she wanted to try to make it work. She hasn’t been willing to admit much of anything denial is always been her mode of defense. I’ve written this using talk to text so excuse the punctuation looking forward to hearing what everyone has to say. Thank you Thom


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So she has problems with alcohol or is an alcoholic, she was leaving the house late at night to be with a "girlfriend", she "met a guy", she moved out, and she has no interest in working on her issues? Seems kinda like a no brainer. Why would she want to work on things with you when she can stay in denial and enjoy the new model in her life?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

There is NO excuse -- as much as YOU want to give her -- for her cheating with another man. Menopause, drinking, etc.. She is sneaking out AFTER you fall asleep to go to bars with her GF? And NOW she has met a guy and left. She has a SERIOUS issue with alcohol if she is drinking that much and she should KNOW that her boundaries collapse when she drinks and NOT put herself into those situations -- she is an adult.

Be done with her -- no need to be friendly, etc.. Be grateful all you share is a dog. See a lawyer asap.
She figures YOU will do nothing and be her plan B until she figures out if the new guy is going to be more permanent..
DO NOT be her plan B. If it fails with this guy, let HER fall and NOT fall back to you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She’s cheating. The separation is to spend more time with her other man. 

In the meantime you’re making excuses for her. There aren’t any.

You'd better secure your finances and get to a good attorney before you get hosed.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I voted go. This sounds like a hellish marriage.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@Thmack It's not totally clear from your post... what do YOU want? You mention you're lacking in your desire for sex lately. How long has that been the case? Do you wish it were otherwise or are you fine as things are?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Thmack said:


> She’s been gone a month now lives in an apartment about a mile away we share a dog and see each other regularly and it’s been very amicable.
> 
> *Nicing them back never works. She’s happy. Of course she is. She’s cake eating. Got a new man in her life while you are standing around flat footed hoping she’ll come back. *
> 
> ...


You’re like most trying to make this your fault. It isn’t. The affair is all on her.

Being Mr nice guy in this situation just makes you look weak and unattractive while making her other man look great.

A hard 180 no contact is your best path. You need to wake up









The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


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## Thmack (Mar 28, 2021)

bobert said:


> So she has problems with alcohol or is an alcoholic, she was leaving the house late at night to be with a "girlfriend", she "met a guy", she moved out, and she has no interest in working on her issues? Seems kinda like a no brainer. Why would she want to work on things with you when she can stay in denial and enjoy the new model in her life?


To be clear I moved her out but yes seems clear when you say it like that


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## Thmack (Mar 28, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> @Thmack It's not totally clear from your post... what do YOU want? You mention you're lacking in your desire for sex lately. How long has that been the case? Do you wish it were otherwise or are you fine as things are?


thats a good question,I think there’s part of me that hates loosing all the family, step kids, in-laws, memories. We have been through so much in our lives together. The sex thing is skewed by alcohol unfortunately and has been going on for a couple years, it’s not nonexistent it’s just not often enough, but we do other things together that bring us close. Yes I wish it were otherwise in so many ways. Getting her to want to stop and replace the rut with healthy activity


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Sorry, but I think you already know the answer here. I am slightly older than you and am aware of how life goes increasingly quickly as you get older. How long will recovery from this take if you try and fight for it? The popular consensus is 3 - 5 years. From the sounds of it, this would a difficult reconciliation so we should veer towards the 5 years. That would make you 69/70 by that time with no guarantee of success.

Personally, I would say I’ve got x number of years left, why would I waste them on a wife who does this to her husband, cut her out of my life and spend time with a better suited partner with whom you can rightly enjoy “golden years”.

You’ve worked hard all your life, you deserve some me time now and it is wrong for someone to take that away from you.


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## Thmack (Mar 28, 2021)

Harold Demure said:


> Sorry, but I think you already know the answer here. I am slightly older than you and am aware of how life goes increasingly quickly as you get older. How long will recovery from this take if you try and fight for it? The popular consensus is 3 - 5 years. From the sounds of it, this would a difficult reconciliation so we should veer towards the 5 years. That would make you 69/70 by that time with no guarantee of success.
> 
> Personally, I would say I’ve got x number of years left, why would I waste them on a wife who does this to her husband, cut her out of my life and spend time with a better suited partner with whom you can rightly enjoy “golden years”.
> 
> You’ve worked hard all your life, you deserve some me time now and it is wrong for someone to take that away from you.


Thanks Harold you are probably right, how do I not get hosed money wise I’m the saver It’s so unfair


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## Thmack (Mar 28, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> You’re like most trying to make this your fault. It isn’t. The affair is all on her.
> 
> Being Mr nice guy in this situation just makes you look weak and unattractive will making her other man look great.
> 
> ...


Thanks Mark your right never in my past life would I be so wimpy. **** her! The 180 is great thanks for that makes total sense!!! Appreciate the site and tough Talk


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Well it certainly sounds like alcohol is an issue. If she is drunk at bars with other men then she is drunk in cars in the parking lot. That’s a fact. I am sorry she cheated on you. It is very hard. Personally I think you will have a much more peaceful life with your cat and down the line another lady who isn’t whoring around at bars drunk.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Others will give better advice on finances. I know things seem to be amicable at the moment but my sincerest advice is to play hard ball on any financial settlements and don’t be surprised if she gets nasty. I do not think there is any room for sentiment here. At the risk of being offensive, you are 64 and the opportunities for replacing lost monies are quite minimal plus will require you working for years when you should be retired.

I would also point out that you were what, 42 when you got married and I presume you brought a higher % of assets into the marriage. You need to protect that. Additionally, you have earned your pension and deserve to enjoy it.

Finally, your wife has a good job, a number of years earning capacity AND the burden of blame for the marriage break up.

Obviously you will have some financial loss but don’t give away the goods to soon or too easily.


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## Thmack (Mar 28, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Well it certainly sounds like alcohol is an issue. If she is drunk at bars with other men then she is drunk in cars in the parking lot. That’s a fact. I am sorry she cheated on you. It is very hard. Personally I think you will have a much more peaceful life with your cat and down the line another lady who isn’t whoring around at bars drunk.


No bars just her girl friends and perhaps his house that is just behind her girlfriends thank for the input


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## Thmack (Mar 28, 2021)

Harold Demure said:


> Others will give better advice on finances. I know things seem to be amicable at the moment but my sincerest advice is to play hard ball on any financial settlements and don’t be surprised if she gets nasty. I do not think there is any room for sentiment here. At the risk of being offensive, you are 64 and the opportunities for replacing lost monies are quite minimal plus will require you working for years when you should be retired.
> 
> I would also point out that you were what, 42 when you got married and I presume you brought a higher % of assets into the marriage. You need to protect that. Additionally, you have earned your pension and deserve to enjoy it.
> 
> ...


I’m hoping she sees it that way, it’s a no fault state so I’m not sure it works that way. 🤞🏻 The 180 link Marc shared is pretty powerful!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Thmack said:


> Thanks Mark your right never in my past life would I be so wimpy. **** her! The 180 is great thanks for that makes total sense!!! Appreciate the site and tough Talk


It’s ok to ignore as well. If it warrants it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Thmack said:


> Thanks Harold you are probably right, how do I not get hosed money wise I’m the saver It’s so unfair


Life is not meant to be fair.
It just isn't. 

Take the financial hit now, you can scrimp and save after the divorce is final. 

Delay your SS benefits as long as you can (the payout is higher), unless your health fails you.

It is her drinking that will prevent her from being a good wife in the future. Alcohol is her first choice of lovers.

You lost a room mate, not a wife.
She set out on a dead-end journey and she deliberately forced your hand. Her actions were premeditated.

Too bad she acted in such a underhanded manner. You do not have to hate her, but you do need to divorce her.


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## Thmack (Mar 28, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> You’re like most trying to make this your fault. It isn’t. The affair is all on her.
> 
> Being Mr nice guy in this situation just makes you look weak and unattractive will making her other man look great.
> 
> ...


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## Thmack (Mar 28, 2021)

Really really appreciate the 180 list it’s awesome shared it with my therapist he loved and is going to use it thanks again!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Thmack said:


> Really really appreciate the 180 list it’s awesome shared it with my therapist he loved and is going to use it thanks again!


You’re welcome. It only works if you apply it. If you falter get back up dust yourself off and go back at it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Seriously man you don’t want to fight for love at your age. Dump her quick and be done with. If I were in your shoes I would stay single and rent a hottie now and then. Enjoy what you earned.... appreciate each day. As I type this I’m sitting by my father who just got his first kemo treatment a few hours ago. He is 71. Go have fun...love life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you have to fight for them there’s nothing there to fight for.


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