# my child is extremely clingy



## cheese puff

i am the father and my son is so clingy i cant stand it. i love him with all my heart, i think he has a issue. i want to give you a little back ground on us. my wife was sexually abused as a child. after he was born the first six months was hard on her. she could not change his diaper, give him baths or any thing that required her to touch his private areas. This happened for the first 6 months. my son is 4 now. he cant do anything with out me. he has to be touching me all the time, holding my hand or sitting in my lap. he want play with his toy or watch tv in another room. he falls asleep i always put him in his bed he wakes up screaming and comes to my bed. he use to love staying with his grand parents but now he tells them he must go home because his dad may die. he is always talking about me dying, not coming home from work. i thought maybe my wife was doing something to him while i was at work. i hid a camera in the house. this is what happened everyday. when i leave work he goes in his room plays by himself and she does chores around the house. she tells me he is the best child when i am at work, but the minute he hears my car pulling in the driveway he goes wild. he always runs and hugs me. i would not have a problem with it but the constant touching me i cant handle.


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## YinPrincess

I think you are blessed to have a child that loves you so much! I know how smothering this can be, but see that it is probably just a phase and one day, he will want more space from YOU!!

Be patient and engage with him. If you are half-hearted in your attention to him he will feel it and TRY HARDER to get your love and attention!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan

I agree with 3leaf. This is definitely not normal behavior for a 4 year old, and it sounds like your wife has planted irrational fears in your son.

I think that both your wife and son need counseling; this will not get better without intervention.


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## sandc

Something is causing him anxiety. Do those cameras have sound? Can you also hear what is going on at home. It's not normal for a boy that small to be so detached from his mother and so attached to his father, it's usually the other way around. He's super anxious about you and that's why he's always touching you. I would suspect someone is making him feel this way. Is he overhearing your wife talk about you dying or you leaving or her taking the kids and leaving you? Just keep trying to get to the bottom of what it is.

You could also make up games where you hide from him and then come back to show him that you will always come back. Might help him to deal with the separation anxiety. But you should also get him some counselling. A good councilor for kids his age may be able to help you get to the bottom of this. And if your wife doesn't want him to go, there's another clue for you.


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## cheese puff

i know its coming from my wife i just got to figure out why.my wife was the most loving person untill we had children. we where married 8 years before we had children. she changed after our son was born. we have been going to IC and MC its helping us as H and W.


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## YinPrincess

Interesting. I don't think I would have ever picked up that this is abnormal behavior? My sister's two daughters are like this with her husband... Hoping things improve for you, OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

My mother was distant and uncaring towards me. I was the same way. Attached to my father but not my mother. Your son needs to go to a home day care or some other situation where he can have contact and love and attention. It is not enough for a human being to be in their room by themselves at age 4 playing alone all day. Your son knows that and he craves the attention and connection that he knows he needs. 

In the meantime while your son is having immediate needs met, your wife should go to IC and also all three of you go to family counseling. You can probably do things to enhance connection by participating all together in activities as a family, with other families. Your wife lacks confidence, she doesn't know what normal is.

I know where you are coming from. My ex got a very uncomfortable expression on his face when our son would sit on his lap. Yes, there is a penis in your trousers, but you are a dad. If the kid sits on your lap son or daughter, of course they are going to be on your penis. The kid doesn't care, or think of it sexually. That's in the thoughts of the adult, entirely. If the opposite sex adult acts all weirded out with any kind of contact, the kid is going to be messed up when it comes to relations of the opposite sex when older. I think it's important that you get a surrogate in the interim while your wife is developing skills. It's not too late. If you can get someone who is a nanny that would be good, because she could set an example in the home. Even just getting a baby sitter every once in a while and going out would be great. 

There is nothing wrong with your son. He is attaching, and he knows the score with his mom. So he is afraid of losing you. When my dad was late, I always worried about car accidents and stuff, even though I was young. One night my dad did have a car accident, so he was late. But he still came home. You could try calling or Skyping with your son a couple times during the day. It sounds like he is very lonely and even though your wife is 'there' she is not 'there'. Emotionally, it's the same as though he was left alone. Who leaves a 4 year old alone all day? Even when my youngest child wanted to stay home from day care I got her a nanny/sitter because I was working. It's not okay to just have a kid be kept alive and play with their toys by themselves all day. They have to go out, to story time at the library, to museums, to their gymnastics lessons, to the play group, to the playground, to swim lessons, and so forth, in order to develop a sense of themselves in the world and self-esteem and resiliency. Of course he is dependent and clingy to you, because you ARE his world right now. If he loses you, he loses everything. Your kid is brilliant to hold close to you so tight. Once you give him what he needs, he will loosen up, because he will feel better. But don't expect him to loosen up until he has his own two feet under him and has friends in the world to fall back on.


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## costa200

> he use to love staying with his grand parents but now he tells them he must go home because his dad may die. he is always talking about me dying, not coming home from work.


Have you talked to him about this? Where did he get this idea? What to you do at work? Is it dangerous?


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## Thor

cheese puff said:


> i know its coming from my wife i just got to figure out why.my wife was the most loving person untill we had children. we where married 8 years before we had children. she changed after our son was born. we have been going to IC and MC its helping us as H and W.


It is not unusual for women who were sexually abused to have sudden changes and difficulties after the first baby is born. Some women become severely over protective. Some cannot say no to the child. I suspect your wife's parenting issues from the beginning are based on her abuse.

If she doesn't get good therapy for her abuse, she isn't going to ever change her parenting style.

As to your son's behavior, it does not sound normal. I think you need a good child psychologist to evaluate him. The psychologist (not psychiatrist btw) should be aware of the basic history with your wife's abuse and her issues with not being able to change the diaper, etc. Also what you wrote about your son's comments to his grandparents about having to leave and you dying.


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## Little Bird

I am an only child and my mother never wanted me. I felt this really early on, and because so attached to my dad - pretty much behaved in the same way as your child is: wanting to be with him all the time, crying my eyes out when he went to work every morning, smothering him when he got back in the evening. I even had a nanny who I liked a lot, but I think the fact that my mother would be working in her office right next to my nursery (I could always hear her voice, but she never came by me) sort of forced me towards my dad.

I might just be projecting my own childhood issues onto your current problem, but it's possible that your wife is not connecting well with your son (due to her abuse?) and as a result he is clinging to you. I remember being as 'old' as 8 and 9 and still being terrified that if anything ever happened to my dad that I would be stuck with my mother and no-one would be there to love me anymore. I would freak out if he got sick, terrified he'd die and leave me alone.

Whilst I sincerely hope it's just a case of your little boy adoring you so much, I think it's worth exploring the mental/emotional issues of your son and his mother.


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## GTdad

YinPrincess said:


> Interesting. I don't think I would have ever picked up that this is abnormal behavior? My sister's two daughters are like this with her husband... Hoping things improve for you, OP.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kids vary. I have 8, so I have a pretty good sample to work with. Three of them have been or are pretty clingy with me. It's just how they're wired. So, yeah, something may be going on, but not necessarily. I'd be inclined to enjoy it while you can; they become teens soon enough.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Oh, you know, I just thought of this. I remember when I had my first baby, a boy, he kind of looked like my brother, who abused me. I remember thinking this and realizing it could be a problem. I was overseas, so no problems allowed, lol, I forced myself to notice other features he had, fortunately his facial gestures were like mine and my nanny's and also as he got older he looked a lot more like me (Cuban Jew) than the brother who tried to rape me who was my half brother on my dad's side. (The one who did rape me was not biologically related, so no issues with features.) My younger son looked a lot like me, was born with dark curly hair and black eyes so did not have issues with him at all. But I do remember the nasty resemblance my first son had to my brother. That was so not good. It could be that your W had the same reaction and let it get to her instead of finding a way to handle it. Especially if she did not nurse, and could avoid changing the diaper, she would not have needed to overcome any emotional issues caused by resemblance to abuser.


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## costa200

> Kids vary. I have 8, so I have a pretty good sample to work with.


Your name should change to TurboDad...


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## Ano

You should definitely take him for a visit to see a doctor. He clearly is detached from his mother, and overly obsessive over you, which seems strange. Does your wife sit down and play with him or give him any attention at all during the day? Or does he spend his whole day with her playing alone? Maybe because of the lack of attention from his mom, when you get home he knows that he will have someone to engage with and play with and it overwhelmingly excites him. 

As far has him talking about you dying, has anyone recently passed away? Or does your wife or yourself speak about death infront of him? It seems odd that a 4 year old would understand and take the concept of death so seriously.

My son is 3 and my hubby and I will play a doctor game with him and fall down and say "oh no! I died, I need dr. Nicholas to come save me!"...at which point he comes over with his doctor kit and fixes us....but I don't truly believe he understands the concept of death to the point where death=never seeing the person again.


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## costa200

> My son is 3 and my hubby and I will play a doctor game with him and fall down and say "oh no! I died, I need dr. Nicholas to come save me!"...at which point he comes over with his doctor kit and fixes us....but I don't truly believe he understands the concept of death to the point where death=never seeing the person again.


My daughter is 3. She cried the other day because of a dead pigeon we found in a Sunday morning walk. So i guess she does have some idea of the finality of it.


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