# How should I be with my ex now ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Damned if I know how I should be with her now.
We separated 5mths ago , it'd been a very rough few yrs and I'd not only been an a/h basically , but I also had an ongoing EA with a friend.
My W to me had mostly just changed though and she did nothing about anything I complained about either , this is basically why I wound up the way I did , for me anyway.

One night she gave me the sep' speech and also added that she wanted to move out and start seeing this new guy.
We split , she's in a house 10mins away with my daughter.
We still get along very well though and we also both wanted things 50/50 for my daughter and things between us around her easy , comfortable.
I knew she was spending a little bit of time with this guy but to be honest I thought it fizzled out a few mths back

Until 3wks ago , I turn up to get my D and here he is . There at the house , sitting outside , with my x . 
It made me sick. 2 reasons . One she shouldn't have him around my daughter yet , well we've fixed that one and she agreed to keep him away from her for another 12 mths but 2 - of course she's sitting there , with a new guy , a guy that helped wreck what was left of my marriage , knew I was coming .
It made me sick to the stomach.

On one hand though yes it did make me sick but on the other , I'd also fKd up a lot and painfully to her before the split.
I'm confused about guilt , anger , who did what and how to be with her anymore . We're tied together for yrs with our daughter , our finances , our mess left from all this .
I just don't know how to be with her now.
I want things as good as they can be between us for my daughter , we were still getting along very well - until that morning !
How am I suppose to be with her now though ?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Look, you guys were on this path for a while now right? It was bound to happen that one of you would move on before the other.

What you need to do is become less invested in your wife's personal life and start getting your own. 

I know you've heard it a million times but start working on yourself. Get a new haircut, new clothes and start working out and losing weight.

If you have issues that she raised in the past, start seeing a counselor to work on them and make yourself a better person for the next woman who comes along. As is ofetn said here, you can only change YOU.

Also, when your with your daughter, DO NOT pump her for information about your wife. Focus on your daughter and what she's doing (school, sports, etc) and don't even ask about the wife.

Avoid nonsense conversations with the wife. If you haven't filed alsready, it seems that she's made up her mind and it's time to grab the bull by the horns

Sorry


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks Toffer.
But no I've never hit my D for info , I don't even wanna know and D would see straight through it anyway. I've had nothing to do with ex personal life.
I have quietly wondered though for sure and for awhile it looked like we were both having second thoughts.
I wasn't waiting round though , I've gone on with things.

This isn't so much about that it's more about how to be now when I'm over there , which is all for my daughter not ex.
I just dunno how I should be to ex now . I think I let things get too "friendy /friendy" before if you know what I mean , it's fkg unnatural to stil be like that around each other under these circumstances . . 
Meanwhile though she was still seeing this guy after all , which hurt like fk when I found out.
I feel like just snubbing the [email protected] outright now and shoving all this friendy friendy stuff where the sun don't shine .

Ahh , anyway , this was probably just another dumb question from me o the road to survival through all this.
Spose the way I am or will be with ex from here , will all just take it's own form bit by bit as we handle all our crap a long the way anyway I guess.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

As a co-parent she is now more like a business partner. One that has burned you in the past but you still need to see things through so the investment (your daughter) grows and matures nicely.

It's best to be cordial. Never be a jerk. But always protect your interests and the joint investment. A business lunch to discuss the investment - cool. A dinner to discuss personal lives - not so much.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks z , very nicely put mate and - it makes sense.


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I agree with Zillard. I treat my STBXW as a coworker. When we do need to be together, it is strickly business. The normal hi, how are you. If she starts to get to personal, asking questions to see what I am doing, I just steer the conversation back to the business at hand. She gets the hint and goes with it. It is not always easy, because I am wondering what she is up to, but I never ask. I'm lucky, we do not have a child, we are just going over the paperwork and splitting possessions, so once this is over, I can cut all ties until I think we could possibly be friends. Good luck, and just keep it professional.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Guess the key is that while you really don't have to be friendly, you need to be civil

It might be better for your spirit if you and your D could spend more time away from the ex's house


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

So can I just scratch at this a bit more and I hope you guys come back but _

So even though I was the one that detached for the few yrs prior , and even though I then through that got way to close to one of our friends for 12mths so from all that- hurting my ex very very deeply which caused the split and her stuff in the first place -

I should still be the way you guys have suggested here ?

You see I feel so much guilt at what I did before it it , but now so much anger at what she's done as a result of it .


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The answer to your question is "yes."

You had an EA. She's moved on.

So no reason for anger. Detach.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Openminded said:


> The answer to your question is "yes."
> 
> You had an EA. She's moved on.
> 
> So no reason for anger. Detach.



Thanks OM , makes sense.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Whitehawk,

Since you seem ready to own your sh!t, you could also tell your STBX that you're sorry for what you put her through and sorry for hurting her. Leave it at that. No need to go into detail and for the love of God, avoid any tears or sobbing.

After that, work on YOU. Get the counseling you need to resolve the issues you have that made you act like an AH to your wife. Make yourself a better person for the next phase of your life


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Whitehawk, can you give an update? How are you doing?


----------

