# Why does my post keep getting deleted in here?? ...



## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

*Friends with Benefits?*

Ok, so my separation papers are signed and finalized. I would be okay with dating right now, but I am not rushing things. 

Firstly, I have a friend, who is also a business associate of mine, who also separated from his cheating wife in May, before I separated from my cheating husband in September.

We have been flirting alot, and he has point blank told me he would be interested in a friends with benefits set up with me. I have never done this before, in fact, my husband was the only man I have ever been with sexually. 

We talk daily by texting, and it always turns sexual. We have even exchanged nude photos.  He is very attractive to me, and I guess I am to him as well. I outright admit he turns me on a lot!

He has tried to convince me to meet him a few times, and I don't know how much longer I can fight this. 

Is this type of relationship wrong? If I do this, does it make me a bad person? What are the rules for this type of relationship.

On a second note, I have reconnected on facebook with a old guy friend from high school. We talk daily (by text) several times a day and sometimes late into the night. We have not seen each other in person, we both just have facebook photos to go on, but I feel a deep connection with him. 

I would like to date him, and I think he feels the same. He says he already thinks about me during the day, and that he intends to meet with me and share an evening together to see what is there. He also says he wants to take things slow and rebuild our friendship first, so I am trying to follow his lead and not rush things with him. He was burned this year by a cheating fiance, so I think that is why.

In the meantime, I almost think that if I start a sexual relationship with #1 guy (Friends with Benefits-FWB) that I may feel I am betraying #2 (Dating Material Guy - DMG) even though we are not dating at all, just getting to know each other.

What do I do?


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

I think it would be fun and scary at the same time. I have only been with my H also. Go for it.


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

Be safe. Know yourself and why you are making the choices you are making. I don't think anyone here is going to judge you or tell you what's right or wrong for you. I don't know if you have kids or not, but if so, you'll want to think about working a relationship around the time you have them. If it's not going to a a full-fledged relationship, you wouldn't want them developing an attachment to anyone. 

You're not cheating. He's not cheating. As long as you are honest with whoever you decide to be with, the choice is really yours. Some people are still not as open about the sex lives of single people. If you think it could be a problem for DMG, then weigh whether his objections are something you can live with, or if his objections to your personal life before you dated him are a deal-breaker (assuming it goes that far).


----------



## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*



brokenmama said:


> Ok, so my separation papers are signed and finalized. I would be okay with dating right now, but I am not rushing things.
> 
> Firstly, I have a friend, who is also a business associate of mine, who also separated from his cheating wife in May, before I separated from my cheating husband in September.
> 
> ...



Of course, I can only speak from my own experience. I started dating as soon as I became 100 percent convinced that there was no saving my marriage (my H had been having an affair under my nose for over a year, and I had faught tooth and nail to save the marriage.) As soon as I decided that the last nail was in the coffin, I decided to live my own life... and it helped me deal with the pain of my marital breakup immensely.

Two years later, I've dated over 20 guys and had a lot of fun. A few have turned into FWB's and a few have turned into something more. 

I would encourage you to date and have fun. Use protection and be smart if you're going to have sex. When I first started dating, I was so raw from the breakup of my marriage that FWB situations were all I could handle. Sometimes those relationships segue well into platonic friendships, and its always great to have male friends when you're single. 

You're not doing anything wrong to see both guys at the same time, as long as you're not dishonest about anything. Don't get me wrong, the dating world can be a zoo, too.... but good luck and have fun!


----------



## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

You are all adults, so long as you're honest and it doesn't bother your conscience, go for it. Just make sure you aren't going along with something against your values to make yourself feel better about getting cheated on. You've got the validation that you're one hot mama from what's happened so far.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

FWB works alright for some people.Imo,if one or the other in this type of arrangement,because of their nature,ends up investing too much of themselves emotionally they leave themselves open to pain when the feelings aren't reciprocated.I think it also depends on what your needs are at any given moment....whether or not you're in a good place emotionally.For me,if emotions have always been a major component of prior relationships and those are the situations I felt most comfortable and suited to,then I would be treading carefully.FWB and by any other name is in the end still a relationship and does entail at least some amount of emotion....and its best to really know yourself beforehand.jmo.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

I think you don't know it's ok to be alone. Like maybe you think you're not complete or something. 

I'm not judging friends with benefits but separation is not divorce so you are still married.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

Just be careful that it will be much harder for you to be a FWB than it will be for him. You're very likely to fall for the guy, and he really won't be feeling much for you. Just don't let yourself think that he's going to take it to anything more than a FWB unless he pushes for it himself.


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

OK Brokenmama time for a lesson:

I know you are hurting from the pain of your separation and impending divorce BUT:

1. You are married but separated. You are still married. I get it that your marriage is most likely over and you are just waiting on the paper work to catch up BUT you are still in the pain of your breakup and any relationship you start right now will just be a rebound relationship. You need time to heal from your broken marriage and work on yourself or you will just drag your problems into the next relationship.

2. Friends with benefits is the DUMBEST idea I have heard in a long time. That is guy speak for let me fvck you while I get others on the side. You are being used for your vagina plain and simple. If he cannot commit to a relationship, then no sex. Are you ready to raise this man's child if he gets you pregnant during one of those "hot" sex romps?

3. Having a FWB while trying to get involved with "dating material" will also cause you emotional heartache. Since you are SO attracted to guy #1, will you be able to give yourself to guy #2? What happens when guy #2 asks to get exclusive? Will you cut off guy #1 at that point? GUYS DON'T LIKE BEING PLAYED! And that is what you are doing in this scenario, being a player. No matter what you will have to be somewhat deceptive right? When you are out having hot sex with guy #1, you won't be on facebook to guy #2. He will ask where you were and why you were not available to chat. What will you say then? I was with a "friend" last night perhaps?

Best of luck to you with your choice but like all things in life, choices have consequences.


----------



## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> OK Brokenmama time for a lesson:
> 
> I know you are hurting from the pain of your separation and impending divorce BUT:
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_ 


Ok. As for guy #1 he knows about guy number two and that he is the one I am truly interested in. I have told guy #1 that as soon as guy # 2 officially asks me out (if he ever does) that the sex would be off between us. 

My husband was the only one I was ever with, because I have been with him since I was 16. Yes, I know #1 would be using me for sex, but in effect I will be using him for the same thing. While married, I enjoyed sex every day, and I miss it to put it modestly.

As for being separated and not divorced, I am religious, and seeing as adultery is the only reason God gives in the bible for divorce, I feel like as soon as my husband had sex with this woman, he broke our vows. I don't feel married anymore, and that is not my fault. I don't feel that I should put my life on hold and not date or have interactions until next September. 

And, I have always been the good girl. Why can't I break away from that for a bit? Wouldn't it be better and safer for me to be having sex with one guy I know, instead of strangers?


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

No it's not wrong. But inevitably FWB arrangements end up with one person being more invested than the other. So be prepared for that.


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

If you are religious then why are you wanting sex outside of marriage? I know it feels good to have sex but jumping headlong into a sexual relationship with someone is generally not in your best interest. Does your religion allow for "mutual using of others" for sexual gratification? You may end up pregnant (trust me, condoms, IUD, and the pill don't always work according to plan) or with an STD. 

Since you are religious, remember GOD is watching and yes, HE expects you to be that good girl you speak of. Satan pulls you in the other direction, but that is another discussion for another day. Have you discussed this idea with your pastor? What does he say?

Most importantly, how do YOU feel about doing what you are thinking of doing?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

If you do this, have NO expectations from him and just keep it fun.

But...do you trust him? Do you know he won't be banging other chicks, etc? 

it's something that needs to be discusses...STD tests too. I had a very successful FWB situation years ago and it worked out great, but we had MAJOR talks beforehand.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> Just be careful that it will be much harder for you to be a FWB than it will be for him. You're very likely to fall for the guy, and he really won't be feeling much for you. Just don't let yourself think that he's going to take it to anything more than a FWB unless he pushes for it himself.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

Personally, I'd be concerned about becoming attached to the FWB.

If you've never done this, how are you sure it won't happen?


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It depends on what you're hoping to find. Many FWB situations turn south because one person discovers that they were "settling" for an FWB when they really long for a relationship. The guy who's proposing an FWB is not likely to ever want a relationship with you if he's setting up his escape route already. Ever.

DMG sounds like the better option if you think you'll eventually want a relationship again. Plus, if it doesn't work out, well.... FWB guy's still an option, because he's committed to staying single.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sorry.. I guess I'm coming from a different perspective altogether, so forgive me if it is bad advice.

I'd say... If you are so recently separated... I'd not date anyone yet.
Maybe maybe the DMG... but I wouldn't resort to FWB until you get that point of an itch that just cannot be self fulfilled. 

Sorry, but FWB.. just seems like it's really setting one of the two up for a huge disappointment... OR a huge infection.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

Don't do the FWB... run run away.

Instead.. have some fun with the DMG... BUt only when you are ready. If you just got separation papers.. I'd say to wait it out a while.

JMO.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't think it's wrong as in right and wrong, but I do think it is selling yourself short.

If he's willing to get off with you, then why isn't he willing to date you?


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Firstly no more naked photo's, you don't know where they could end up. Before you delve into the sexual relationship, you need to decide on where you want to be ten years from now. From there figure out how you are going to get there. Secondly, if you are wanting to explore a little earthly pleasure, that is fine as long as you wear protection. The Bad Boy at work sounds like he gets around a little. Don't believe all the lines that guys are going to lay on you, just to get in your knickers. Thirdly look to explore hobbies or take time to start one that you have never had time for before. This is a great time to cultivate a new and more exciting you. Don't waste a too much time on a bunch of Barneys. You are way to great of a person to waste your time.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm not one to settle. Sex without love and commitment does nothing for me. It's just not my style. But to each his own I guess. Good luck whatever you decide to do.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

As a woman who has had a couple of FWB in my life, keep in mind is it's only sex, there is no relationship & always use protection. 
There's absolutely nothing wrong with having sex with someone that you're not 1) married to 2) in a relationship with 3) in love with.
Having a FWB isn't selling yourself short, nor is it settling, it's an opportunity for you to get in touch with your sexuality without rushing into a relationship. 
See, I'm of the mind that too often people rush INTO relationships because it's their hormones going crazy & they're really just horny as hell.
At the very least, a FWB is someone who makes you feel desirable, especially after leaving a cheating spouse. 
Good luck & have fun.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I had a FWB for awhile and it was great. It only works if you can have sex without needing love or a deeper connection. I enjoy sex for sex sake so for me this worked well. 
We got along well and were both honest upfront that we did not want a relationship, simply some friendship and sex.
It was not exclusive and there was little in the way of communication outside of the times when we hooked up.

In your case I would say no to your possible FWB guy purely because he is a business associate, way too complicated for a true FWB situation.

As for DMG sorry but I think you are getting way ahead of yourself. Meet up with him first before over thinking anything. 

Until both of you decide you are exclusive then you are free to meet up with as many guys as you want.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

As a fairly conservative middle aged man I have no moral issue with you having a FWB. If we were to date in a few years I would not find it objectionable.

The worries I have are twofold. First, is it too soon for you? I worry you will become too emotionally involved and have a rebound relationship. Probably this coworker is not going to want to be in that deep emotionally, so you are setting yourself up for pain. I think waiting 6 - 12 months would be wise. Secondly, a coworker is just a dangerous situation all around.

I can see some benefits to you in going out and enjoying some relationships. Just don't rush it.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Stop selling yourself short.
Mr. FWB just wants sex , so let him go have sex with some other woman who's desperate.
You do have options !
The guy who's DMG is a better option anyway because he is willing to spend time with you , and invest some of himself in you.
This could lead to a valuable friendship or even more.

It all comes down to what do you want right now.
Stop sharing pics of your nude body with a man who does not value you for anything more than sex.
Whilst you are having FWB sex with him , he would also be having FWB sex with two or three other women.

Or maybe if you're confused at this point ,
Just take some time off and work on yourself , so the next time around you would be in a stronger position to make better decisions.
Love yourself FIRST.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

VFW said:


> Firstly no more naked photo's, you don't know where they could end up. Before you delve into the sexual relationship, you need to decide on where you want to be ten years from now. From there figure out how you are going to get there. Secondly, if you are wanting to explore a little earthly pleasure, that is fine as long as you wear protection. The Bad Boy at work sounds like he gets around a little. Don't believe all the lines that guys are going to lay on you, just to get in your knickers. Thirdly look to explore hobbies or take time to start one that you have never had time for before. This is a great time to cultivate a new and more exciting you. Don't waste a too much time on a bunch of Barneys. You are way to great of a person to waste your time.


^^^^^^^
THIS !
BY ALL MEANS!
Could not have said it better myself!


----------



## itsmesteveb72 (Dec 27, 2012)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

If you know the guy and are interested and he is clean; meaning drug free, not a drinker, or abuser, and doesn't have any STD's. Then you will be more safe then doing it with a stranger. Everyone needs a release sexually, and doing it by yourself gets old after a while. 

I am not saying do it, but there are pro's and con's to everything right? Follow your heart. Dabble if you are nervous. See what he has to offer. Act like teenagers. Have fun and let your hair down.


----------



## SecondSkin (Dec 25, 2012)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*



Thor said:


> I worry you will become too emotionally involved and have a rebound relationship.
> 
> .........Secondly, a coworker is just a dangerous situation all around.


^^^This for the most part. BUT -- If you're just in it for the sex, and can keep any chance of falling for him in check, then I say -- Go for it! Everyone needs a POA sometimes. Use him up! :smthumbup:



itsmesteveb72 said:


> If you know the guy and are interested and he is clean; meaning drug free, not a drinker, or abuser, and doesn't have any STD's. Then you will be more safe then doing it with a stranger. Everyone needs a release sexually, and doing it by yourself gets old after a while.


^^^And this reinforces my point.


----------



## BrookeT (Nov 3, 2012)

*Re: Friends with Benefits?*

As long as you both agree to the ground rules, nothing wrong with it. Better than picking up random guys in a bar, and a lot safer.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Chris H. said:


> *10. No duplicate posts. *(Please don't post the same thing in more than one place.) Duplicate threads will be merged.
> 
> Chris Hartwell


For more information please review the forum rules.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/2-posting-guidelines-forum-rules.html


----------



## bandj2010mo (Dec 22, 2012)

from a mans point of view. i never liked the whole friends with benifits thing. we will say anything you want to hear and think another.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think it is too soon to get involved with anyone. You may not be thinking clearly. If you want to get involved in a sex only relationship you pick the person. If you need to be convinced then don't do it. You are emotionally too vulnerable now. You are more likely to get emotionally involved. 

If you do, how will you continue your business relationship. You can be sure he is not interested in being emotionally involved with you. He has already decided you are good for sex only. He does not care enough to consider that you may be emotionally vulnerable. He most likely sees you as a convenient sex partner. 

He does not have to do any work to get something for nothing. 

This is what i would do in your situation - Tell him to go [email protected] himself or go out and work to find something to stick it in. But I am not a nice person and I am confident that if I want a d!ck on a stick I will have no problem picking a good one of my choosing. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Ok, you sound very much like how I felt about 10 months ago when I separated, and knew my marriage was over and never to be repaired. My husband was also my first, so I had limited outside sexual experience. At 45, I wanted to experience something I missed out in my 20's, the whole dating and having fun. I also was a "good girl". The problem was, because I only knew one relationship, I had no idea what a FWB entailed. I entered one shortly after separation, and it was exciting, and very sexually satisfying for both of us, we had great chemistry. But, I got attached, he only did slightly. Mr. Unavailable was a kind and generous man, but also a selfish one who later admitted that what he did was decietful. We spent time together, went to movies, dinners etc. and finally I wanted more, a relationship, something that was defined. He didn't want that, and I couldn't be in limbo any longer. Sure, I went back for my fix every now and then, and I told him that I was dating other people with the intention of having a relationship. I wasn't necessarily having sex with all kinds of men while still seeing him.

Then I met Mr. Right, someone who wanted a relationship, told me he missed me when we were apart, and didn't go a week without contacting me. When it became exclusive, I told Mr. Unavailable that we could no longer have the benefits of our friendship, but that I would like to remain friends. Mr. Right knows everything. I doubt we will remain friends since I'm not sure that friends with the oposite sex is always a good idea, I guess time will tell.

My advice is to be careful with a FWB, personally after having one, I would never go down that road again. It feels so "normal" in a real relationship, there are no guessing games, no insecure feelings, no watching what you say so that you don't give them the idea you are getting too atached. You will get hurt, it takes a certain kind of person to do it I think, and if you've been in a marriage for many years, it's hard to make that leap in my opionion.

I like the idea of waiting for guy #2. He sounds sincere.


----------



## malkuth (Dec 28, 2012)

you shouldn't do it when you are still married this is so wrong.

but after that it is just a choice, it is not bad or anything but here: I am a man and tried to do it once but after having a certain times I began to feel something against that person. I wouldn't like her as my girlfriend but I wouldn't like her to be with anyone else too, so it didn't work for me 

this situation is not bad but your future boyfriend won't assume that you made a deal with a guy just for sex and probably you won't tell him that. well as a guy I would like to know it and would make my choice not to be with a girl that says "yes" to this experience. so if I was your future boyfriend you would be cheated me. hope you get the example


----------

