# My man has far lower libido than I do-sad wife!



## Grace28 (Jul 29, 2011)

Help. I can't find any way to discuss the lack of sex in my marriage. He won't engage in sex or discussion about it and it's making me miserable and thinking of leaving. I'm very affectionate and loving but he never initiates sex and actively stops me from caressing him when he comes to bed. This has gone on for years! We're both healthy and attractive. We both hold down good jobs. I don't understand why he's not more physical with me! I hate having such a sparce sex life! Any suggestions?


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

It has been that way for years and you have never talked about it? You have more serious problems than sex, you need to work on comunication in general
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grace28 (Jul 29, 2011)

@Mikey11, thanks for the reply. I mentioned he won't engage in discusssion about our sex life, and yes thats also a problem. When I raise the subject he flares up at me to stop talking about it , and I back off. I think I need to talk to someone about it though, if he won't help/ engage in finding a solution.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

How long married?

What are your ages?

Was it like this BEFORE the wedding or did you marry as Virgins?

Was there ever a time you was happy with the sex life?

How often is the sex - and is it always you initiating?

Do you suspect he is using porn?

IF a low testosterone problem, he would likely have other symptoms such as dragging at work (loss of energy) , coming home falling asleep, brain fog, maybe a little depression.


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## Grace28 (Jul 29, 2011)

Hi, SimplyAmorous thanks for your comment and ideas here, much appreciated. Yes maybe it's low testosterone, but I'm not sure it's a problem for him. He goes running every morning at 6am, an hour before I awake work and he falls asleep in a chair early evenings in front of TV. We're in our forties, married 15 years, were each others first partners. Our love life was good during our engagament when we lived together for 6 months. After marriage, the sex dwindled to a handful of times a year i.e. every couple of months- not my choice. I always have to initiate or nothing happens. Most times he refuses and turns his back on me, sometimes for weeks on end and I find this very hurtful. He doesn't use porn or seem depressed at all, as far as I'm aware. I'm actually at a loss to find any answers or solutions.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Seeing as he already has an exercise routine, see if you can get a testosterone pre-cursor supplement from a body building shop.... Also feed him MUCH more red meat protein to increase his testosterone.....


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> Seeing as he already has an exercise routine, see if you can get a testosterone pre-cursor supplement from a body building shop.... Also feed him MUCH more red meat protein to increase his testosterone.....


Lol, a "testosterone supplement" is called a steroid, it needs to be perscribed and administered by a doctor, you can not buy it anywhere (legally)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grace28 (Jul 29, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. I'll give those ideas some thought. It just seems like a relationship which is mismatched in terms of desire. My husband is a really kind man otherwise,just not physical, but it's a miserable situation. 

I even feel a bit annoyed that he has all this energy to run a few miles at the crack of dawn, as it means he's too tired for our love life in the evenings and he's obviously not around in the mornings. I do my yoga and swimming when he's busy to keep myself fit. I don't nag him or bring up the subject very often. Has anyone else managed to get over this situation and keep their marriage alive?


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

To be honest, poor sex and lack of it was one of the factors of my divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grace28 (Jul 29, 2011)

Sorry to hear that! I guess leaving to pursue a happier sex life and relationship is the last resort for folk in this situation. I was hoping I might take other steps before getting to that, but I can't seem to make things better.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

For me it's just the way that it all snowballed without the sex. If I knewthat affection wasn't going anywhere, I didn't want to give it. If I wasn't going to cuddle and have that kind of just, intimacy, then why would I want to keep compromising on movies and TV shows and stuff? And if we didn't really spend that time talking about "nothing", then all that's left is to talk about what you _have_ to talk about--bills, cars, who's going to pick up dog food... And then well, if that's all you talk about, it's not too much fun to go do stuff just the two of you anyway, so it gets to where you go out together only when you're doing "couple things" with other couples, or when something sounds especially good for dinner or something like that. In the end, you're just living in the same house.

So while I'm really hoping that once we can divorce that yes, I'll find some long, tall drink of water that actually puts out, lol--I also want to have the kind of intimacy and closeness that sex builds in a relationship.


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## Grace28 (Jul 29, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> .I also want to have the kind of intimacy and closeness that sex builds in a relationship.


I totally agree with you, CoGypsy. I feel that emotionally we're not close, as we are more like house mates than spouses. Having that intimacy and closeness would make it a real marriage.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Maybe he doesn't like you very much. Me? I'm a terrible romantic. And even though my wife has less than zero interest in sex, there are so many other things gone horribly wrong that even were she to suddenly express the slightest interest in love making, I wouldn't trust it and I'd turn her down. I've got no interest getting roped into that kind of crazy or what it implies, such as what does she really want? What am I getting set up for? What's the point in this 10 minutes of acting like a human being when 10 minutes from now it will be the same old bull****?


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## Grace28 (Jul 29, 2011)

Perhaps,but I think things would be worse if that was the case. He could leave if he didn't like me. He's never been remotely interested in discussing splitting up. It's more that we're a couple who get on ok, just lack the spark of romance and regular sexual contact.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

mikey11 said:


> Lol, a "testosterone supplement" is called a steroid, it needs to be perscribed and administered by a doctor, you can not buy it anywhere (legally)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mikey11, I said testosterone precursors, big difference.

Steroids are synthetic testosterone, and yes they are illegal, however, DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone) and Andro (androstenedione) are actually hormones made by the body. They are also the precursors of testosterone. These supplements are readily available in selected body building supplements.

They help in slightly raising the testosterone levels in the body, the added red protein can significantly increase the bodies production of testosterone, combine the two and he should get his sex drive back...... unless he wants a man's touch instead, then she is screwed.


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## Grace28 (Jul 29, 2011)

Thanks for those details. Would that work in the same way as viagra, would you think?

I was hoping to have a discussion with him over the weekend and make some suggestions about improving our relationship. I'll mention the supplements . I won't mention the bit about the man's touch. If that's the case, it's over


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

Is there any chance there are physical issues (like ED) aside from the possibility of low testosterone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Grace28 said:


> Thanks for those details. Would that work in the same way as viagra, would you think?
> 
> I was hoping to have a discussion with him over the weekend and make some suggestions about improving our relationship. I'll mention the supplements . I won't mention the bit about the man's touch. If that's the case, it's over


Viagra will only make the blood flow easier, quicker giving an erection, it does nothing for "desire" per say, that is all hormonal (Testsosterone's role). 

Although if he is struggling with erections, taking a little Viagra ( even cut these in half -work pretty good!), he may suddenly FEEL like a "young man" again and THIS can surely raise his spirits, having an effect on his outlook & zeal for sexual play. 

I caused my husband some "performance pressure" for a time, and a little viagra helped him get through that very nicely, kept me happy too.  We also bought this stuff called "Stiff Nights" , that was even more powerful.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

rfAlaska said:


> Is there any chance there are physical issues (like ED) aside from the possibility of low testosterone?


Does he have High Blood Pressure, very High Chloesterol that has affected his arteries, Diabetes (some men with diabetes already have lower test, then metaforin doesn't help matters, lowering it a little more)>> these things can narrow his blood flow causing ED. Heavy Smokers have a higher risk of coming down with ED earlier in life as well, restricting that blood flow. 

Viagra Not Working? Maybe This Gel Will Help!



> Sildenafil enhances the effects of nitric oxide, a chemical in the body that allows increased blood flow to the penis during sexual stimulation. "*Research suggests nitric oxide may be dependent on testosterone to function properly*," said Dr. Shabsigh. "While further studies are needed, this concept may explain why testosterone replacement therapy could help hypogonadal men who do not respond to sildenafil."


BBC News - Viagra won't work for you, low testosterone men warned

Viagra Ineffective for Men With Low Testosterone Levels | MedIndia


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## gsb (Aug 1, 2011)

In my relationship, I am the man with the lower sex drive. As no two relationships are alike, I don't know that my experience will help. In my case, it has taken threat of leaving from my wife for me to wake up and pay attention. For me, I think the primary driver, at least initially, is that I have been harboring feelings of resentment and anger towards my wife for a long time. I've had these feelings for many reasons. One of them is that I have always felt I payed more attention to her sexual needs and wants than she did to mine. 
I've never discussed my feelings with my wife. Over many years she has tried to get me to pay more attention to her which only fueled my frustration. 
Finally, she has become frustrated enough to want to leave and has started looking to other men for the attention she hasn't gotten from me. To the best of my knowledge she has not had an affair, yet. At least not physical. However, I'm certain that she's very emotionally connected to one of her guy friends. 

Ultimately, my message here is not to give up on your man, husband, partner if (lack of) sex is the issue. There is an underlying cause. Find it. Don't give up. The issue could be mental, physical or emotional. It could be a combination of all. But, don't give up. Talk about it, Talk about it in a supportive and nurturing way. Be open to what he has to say if he'll talk to you. If he won't talk, keep trying... gently. Ultimately, he needs to realize for himself that there might be a problem and that he might be at least a part of the problem. 
Finally, look hard at yourself. A relationship is not made by one person and a relationship is not challenged just because of one person. 

Best of luck! 
I'm finding and slaying my demons. I hope your husband will also.


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## married2mars (Aug 1, 2011)

Interesting forum! I knew I wasnt the only lady going through this - and the replies are very interesting. I would love to see replies from other ladies who solved their problem and what the 'diagnosis' was. 

I've been married for 23 years and spent the last 7 trying to resolve this very issue. I am the aggresive one in the relationship and alwasy initiating sex and fed up with feeling unwanted. The topic in our house is over communicated and brings up one of two responses; 1) I love you I just don't have any desires, 2) anger and pressure that he is underperforming. 

Just to clarify, there are no erection issues just lack of desire.

I have tried to spark with porno and overtalk my self-satisfying experiences in an effort to get attention - neither are always successful. 

I generally have a problem understanding his situation. He gets erections during sleep and in the morning so I know it works. I truly believe he isnt attracted to me anymore. We are both 40 and sill sexy - getting alot of attention from others - so we are attractive folks. 

3 years ago, after he explained he just isn't interested in sex overall - he entertained my request and visited a doctor, tested blood with no proof of low testosterone yet was given testosterone gel which my husband used religiously. It increased his initiation temporarily but subsided after a few months (I think he was trying to prove something). 

My next step is suggesting an open marriage!?!


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## married2mars (Aug 1, 2011)

@gsb
Outside of her threat to leave and your awareness of resentment - were you still attracted to her? And, if you're willing to answer a personal question, did you engage in self-satisfying actions during your lack of attention to her?


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## gsb (Aug 1, 2011)

married2mars said:


> @gsb
> Outside of her threat to leave and your awareness of resentment - were you still attracted to her? And, if you're willing to answer a personal question, did you engage in self-satisfying actions during your lack of attention to her?


Yes, Still attracted to her. Perhaps even more knowing how incredibly unhappy and hurt she feels because of me. I'm a very committed, dedicated and devoted husband and father. 

Initially, my issue began out of the resentment mentioned earlier. Over time, it has evolved into apathy and ultimately a low desire in general. We have been trying to reconnect through sex and the help of friends. Unfortunately, uh, I've stopped working correctly. 

I'm way beyond concern about personal questions. Over the years, self-satisfaction has been an outlet. Even that has virtually disappeared. 

I have been to the Dr. Wife had asked me to for years and I finally concluded that I needed to. All tests are ok. Testosterone is slightly on the low side but not enough to warrant treatment. 

But wait, there's more to the story... always is, isn't there. 

I have an ongoing medical issue that has been around for a long time, 10+ years. Causes a constant low level of pain. Been unhappy with my high stress career and job. Have two very challenging "special needs" children. My wife and I both work. Have come to the realization that I'm depressed and have been for years. Am seeing a therapist solo and also seeing a marriage counselor with the wife. 

So, back to where I started... My experience may not help others. But, my input remains the same, talk to him. In a caring, understanding and sensitive way. It could be as simple as an affair. Or, it could be something far more complicated causing the guy to have little desire. If the relationship is important, you can only work through it together.

My story isn't over. I'm a work in progress. I've made radical changes and there need to be more. I just hope that my wife will stick with it and us.


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## married2mars (Aug 1, 2011)

Thanks for sharing your story and am happy that you and your wife are working through it all - a true testiment to your committment and love. That is great news. 

Isn't every story never-ending with twists, turns and the unexpected? That's what keeps us interested in one another 

I will remain faithful and willing to work this out - he is really the love of my life. 

Your story helps to keep things into perspective and offers some insight into 'his' perspective so I can better understand and support to resolve our issues. 

Thank you!


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