# What am I missing?



## northwing (Apr 23, 2015)

About 6 months ago my WH was acting controlling and insecure. It has happened on and off in our marriage usually when he's stressed. On a few occasions it was for an extended time and he accused me of infidelity and obsessed over it. Two years ago it got to the point where I demanded we go to counseling or I was walking. he agreed and things improved and we stopped therapy after about 6 months. Skip to 6 months ago the odd behavior starts up. Questions what im doing on my phone, asks about my male coworkers, says he thinks he needs to come visit me at work etc. After a week of this behavior I said we need to revisit our MC. He agreed and she focused a lot on him as he seemed stressed and rambling how I don't show him love and he feels neglected. A few weeks later we went out with a group of friends. Upon a friends request he took a picture of me and my friend with his cell phone. My friend then asked me to show her the photo he took and forward it to her. When I picked up his phone off the table he nearly slapped it out of my hand. My friend explained how she wanted me to forward her the photo. He said he would do it but I said j wanted to see if I looked bad first and I pulled the phone away and looked quickly for whatever he appeared to be hiding. I found a text with a hotel name and a room #. There was also a photo of a woman in lingerie. Face obscured. I forwarded the photo to my friend and gave him back his phone he looked pale as a ghost and ordered drink after drink. He's not a drinker. When we got home he was drunk so I brought it up the next day. He said he was planning on surprising me with a getaway. (You don't get a room # till someone checks in - I know I know). I mentioned this to him but our son had a game that day and we did not have much tjme to talk. That night We had his work holiday party and against my better judgement I attended. He is high up in the company And a lot of the young women there kiss his ass. He started drinking again and began to talk to me about how he felt I was pulling away. I whispered this is not the place for this discussion and he got up and went to the bar abruptly leaving me at my seat alone. He was leaning on the bar and looking in my direction and it fwot like he was putting on a small show. I got up to walk away and he followed me. I warned him in private he was at a work function and this is inappropriate. he had only been at the company a year and this was my first time meetjng everyone. several young women dressed in tight dresses and fishnets and super high heels. He agreed he would set his emotions aside and asked if I would dance and we did. Then a slow dance came in and we slow danced. After the song was over I started to walk away towards our table when I realized he had stayed on the dance floor and was slow dancing with a coworker dressed in skin tight dress that came just below her ass. I grabbed my purse and his behind a curtain and watched them while texting my girlfriend what I was watching. The dance ended and he began looking for me burnt stayed hidden dor 20 minutes then said its time to leave. The next morning we talked about what I had found on his phone. He had a crazy story. He said I had been acting distant with him so he suspected I was cheating. He pulled up the woman's photo and said I found this photo on ****** Maddison and I was sure it was you. So I joined as a woman and copied her photo and created an almost identical profile. Same name same profile pic as the woman he thought was me. I said why the hell didn't you just make a mans profile and message this woman you claim you thought was me?? He said because for women to join the site it's free, men have to pay. This is true. He then said rather quickly a guy contacted his woman profile and they talked and the guy seemed to know her. WH asked this guy questions like what do you remember most about our last encounter etc and claims he for the guy to say the hotel and room #. I asked what use was that information to you if it already happened?? WH said oh I could go to the hotel and ask to see the old video footage. My WH is too intelligent to think tapes would be handed over to him. He's not a cop. We fought for weeks it took such a toll on me physically and mentally. I've been sick on and off. I told our MC what had happened she asked to see each of us alone. it was costing a fortune for both of us to go so I said I'd rather he go for now and I'll come back later down the road but I corresponded with her. I found out she soon after dropped my WH, saying his stories were too confusing. he was livid with her but found a new therapist and has been seeing her for about 2 months every week. he stuck by his story for a while and we barely spoke. I finally pulled myself together and staryed looking through his briefcase at the credit card bills. Nothing. Then I went on line to look at them and he was nearby and asked what I was doing. When I told him he brought in the piece of paper he had hidden that had the ****** Maddison PAID male profile. Two months he had it. I was sick. Just sick. I'm just sick all the time now. I then asked for his phone and purchased software right then to pull off deleted **** from his cell. Software stated only some stuff might be recoverable. I was hoping to find their communication. All I found were about 2 dozen selfies of himself and a picture of his penis. Yea only. I confronted him and he said yea that was stupid and I did nothkng with it I swear. Why would I willingly hand you my phone?? He has been apologizing constantly. I go weeks with my head in the sand, go to work, come home, take care of our son. But I keep breaking down or getting sick. He says he made a horrible mistake. First he mistrusted me to the point of joining a cheat site then he says and yea I wasntalking to some random girl for like 2 minutes. Hardly said much and then I asked her sobyou want to meet for coffee and she said yea. But then I realized what am I doing??? This is crazy and wrong. Swears only talked once and hardly much was said but he asked her to meet for coffee then after she said yea he stopped talking to her. So why did he tell me he set up a woman's profile because it was free?? I know this is a rambled mess as I sometimes wonder how I even function.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

You need to space out your paragraphs otherwise it's hard to read your story. 

Many cheaters will do this. They accused their spouses of cheating when in fact they are the ones doing the cheating.

Are you prepared to find out what is really going on? You already have evidence of it. The real question to ask is how much are you willing to put up with?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I will be happy to reply the thw wall of text is unreadable

Please edit with paragraphs

55


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## northwing (Apr 23, 2015)

It just seems like a big jumbled bizarre story. Who is this man I'm married to? I think IC would help me make that decision. Trying to find one in network but it's taking time, they are all booked solid. Yes I was typing that mess on my iPhone, I was in a bad place and needed to vent. Sometimes I want to know a lot and ask a ton of questions. Then when I hear him tell me his user name on the cheat site, which basically is him saying I am boring, i feel the color draining out of my face and I'm humiliated. Then in a week I suddenly get enraged out of nowhere and there goes dinner flying towards him. When he ducks doesn't he realize the sauce is harder to clean off the wall than his shirt?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

northwing said:


> It just seems like a big jumbled bizarre story. Who is this man I'm married to? I think IC would help me make that decision. Trying to find one in network but it's taking time, they are all booked solid. Yes I was typing that mess on my iPhone, I was in a bad place and needed to vent. Sometimes I want to know a lot and ask a ton of questions. Then when I hear him tell me his user name on the cheat site, which basically is him saying I am boring, i feel the color draining out of my face and I'm humiliated. Then in a week I suddenly get enraged *out of nowhere and there goes dinner flying towards him. When he ducks doesn't he realize the sauce is harder to clean off the wall than his shirt?*


LOLOLOLOLOL

Sorry, but that's just high-larious.

And yes... paragraphs.

PLEASE.


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## northwing (Apr 23, 2015)

The maddening part of it is he comes across as this person who is insecure and was just looking on there to make sure I was not finding excitement elsewhere. Then decided he would stay a while. There's something missing with this hotel reference. What guy would remember the room # he supposedly was at in the past with this woman my WH suspected was me, and then chats about it with my WH? (who is posing as a woman on said cheat site Do you guys remember these details?? A hotel room # that you stayed in?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes. Crazy. And wrong.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So, has he admitted anything yet about the hotel room? Either he met her there or he planned to meet her there when you intercepted the text.

He's really a liar. A poor one, too. What are you going to do? If it were me, I would kick him out. He gaslights you continuously while he cheats. Life is too short. Don't you want some peace?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

It's going to drive you crazy until you find out the truth. Trust is a hard, hard thing to rebuild. I know I'm in the same boat. When I found out about my H affair, I fund a bunch of hotel.Com history in his email and a booking for the Saturday my SIL was supposed to have my kids spend the night at her house. When I confronted him about the reservation- he said she was "helping" him plan a surprise for me. Lol, this is the man who hasn't so much planned anything since we were dating. Really, you needed help to make a reservation? If you can afford it, hire a PI. I know the frustration you are feeling not knowing for certain.


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## northwing (Apr 23, 2015)

I'm amazed if anyone can follow my original post! It really was where I was in/at that day. He originally said he joined that site to bust me. He felt I was distant (had been accusing me of sleeping with a few neighbors, interrogations for years) and contacted a detective. The detective said women go to the cheat site called ******. So he went in that direction. 

He saw a woman's picture he was convinced was me. his Original story : "once I saw her I thought she was you. Costs money as a guy on ****** to talk and I wanted to figure out if she was you. So instead I duplicated her profile to lure in people who knew her. (After I found he actually DID pay to have a male profile on the site he justifies "I reached out to her with my male profile and she didn't answer me, maybe she (you) was suspicious!" So I made a female profile same as hers to confuse men who knew her to talk to me by mistake.). Ahhh

Am I even getting the message across?? Am I defending my honor or am I dealing with a manipulative confused cheater?? 

later He admitted on his own he spoke to a woman on this site as his male profile ...his words "it was so brief, we chatted a few words and I asked her if she would meet me for coffee. she said yes and then I pulled away."

Can anyone follow this?? if you can, please...please help me to understand. 

I know I never knew such a site exhisted that he thought I was on. I admit my H has reality issues (although he is an executive). His insecurities and accusations over the last 10 years (his business failed) have pushed me to my utmost limits...constantly defending I am a decent and respectful woman. 

originally when I asked him about the hotel room number I found in a text he said "I didn't go, I trusted you". That was day 2.


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## northwing (Apr 23, 2015)

Maritalloneli, were you able to prove he was at the hotel? I think the look me in the face lying is the worst. And my WH is usually so nice to me, but then once in a while this jealous side comes out and he's a lunatic accusing me of sleeping with this neighbor or that neighbor and it goes on for weeks or months. Or he spies on me. If you believe the worst in me why are you with me? His uncontrollable jealousy drove the wedge and so now I get "I was lonely, you were so distant. I talked to a woman on line and set up a meeting but I never went". So what was the pic of your privates doing on your phone? I've convinced myself to the point of obsession that if I can prove a hotel was set up, I have all I need. I probably already have all I need.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

What you're missing is the truth. His story is utter nonsense, and you have proof of his paid account! You should demand, as a requirement for reconciliation, that he immediately log into the paid account and let you see his inbox, etc. No hesitating or delaying - you ask, he lets you in immediately, or no deal. (otherwise he will just clean it up.) if he conveniently can't remember the password, make him call the company to retrieve the info in front of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northwing (Apr 23, 2015)

He deleted it😠


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

northwing said:


> He deleted it😠


That tells you everything that you need to know.

He's lying.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

northwing said:


> Maritalloneli, were you able to prove he was at the hotel? I think the look me in the face lying is the worst. And my WH is usually so nice to me, but then once in a while this jealous side comes out and he's a lunatic accusing me of sleeping with this neighbor or that neighbor and it goes on for weeks or months. Or he spies on me. If you believe the worst in me why are you with me? His uncontrollable jealousy drove the wedge and so now I get "I was lonely, you were so distant. I talked to a woman on line and set up a meeting but I never went". So what was the pic of your privates doing on your phone? I've convinced myself to the point of obsession that if I can prove a hotel was set up, I have all I need. I probably already have all I need.


You have all the info you need, why would any 'faithful' husband put a picture of his family jewels on such a site or phone unless he was wanting to pull or already pulling?? The fact that he set up meetings, etc is enough, the intention was there whether he went through with it or not. That is only semantics. He is gaslighting you big time. Time to get tough with him. I would kick him out and do the 180 on him, tell him there will be absolutely no reconciliation until you believe he has come totally clean, you will not stay with a liar and an cheat. Normally when they accuse you of cheating it's the guilt talking as they are doing the cheating.


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## northwing (Apr 23, 2015)

To this day if a wrong number calls me I panick. He is so suspicious and has threatened to call the police to get to the bottom of who's calling. (everyone in our family gets wrong number calls but only I caused suspicion). To know he has no boundaries where I have walls all around me. He's been in therapy for several months and no more accusations for me and he stands by his story he was so jealous he joined the cheat site because he thought a person on there was me and he was trying to bust me. He was trying to communicate with "me" and catch me. The problem is it broke me. I can't come back from it. I feel traumatized. He's everyday remorseful and going out of his way to be helpful and kind. But I'm broken. It's been 7 months and I can't look at him the same. I stay because I can't lose my home, it's one more thing that I can't bare. We can't afford for him to leave.


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