# I make more than he does



## married2bigkid (Apr 15, 2012)

I know when we got married my money became our money and his money became our money, but what do you do when you make more, but he gets all the pleasures. What I mean by this is....I make about $60,000/yr and he makes $25,000. This isn't a problem when you add the two together, but it seems as though I'm footing all the bills. When we got married we agreed that he would pay daycare and utilities and I would pay the rent, insurances, house hold items, groceries, etc. Originally this worked, but now it seems like I'm footing the bill on everything and he gets to live it up. He talked me into signing for his dream car, "Mustang GT" last yr under the arrangement that we would split the car note since my car was paid for and he needed a car. Now this is not the suggested car for a father of two, but that's a whole different story. Any way, I feel used because I'm paying ALL the bills and he's riding around in a nice car (my car is 9 yrs old and in fairly good condition, but I could really use a new one) that he is also making modifications to. He does pay daycare, but he isn't holding up the agreement on the other bills. I just had a baby three months ago and have been out of work w/o pay so we have been living off our income tax returns. Instead of him putting some to the side, he put most of his in his car and now we are down to $500 in the bank and that's it. I just went back to work so it will be a few weeks before I get paid, but his car note is due, utilities are due, we barely have food in the fridge, and rent is coming up due soon. I just feel used. When we first met, he had me thinking he was hard working and making good money. He was working a ton of overtime, but since we've been married, he no longer does so. I guess because he has a sugar mama (Me) footing his bills. I am so frustrated and wondering if I'm wrong for feeling this way? I think if he wasn't so irresponsible, I wouldn't have a problem, but to see him living the "good life" while I'm pinching pennies trying to make it from check to check, it just doesn't seem fair. Especially when I make more and have nothing to show for it. I guess I'm more so venting, but how do I work out this financial issue?


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## MoonHare (Jan 13, 2012)

I make about twice what my husband makes ($57K to $30K) and what we did was three bank accounts--joint and two allowance accounts. The joint is where we deposited our paychecks to pay for bills and then we each got $200 per month each for personal fun stuff. It worked for us. But, I usually do do the writing of the bills and he allowed me to be in charge of the money.


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## married2bigkid (Apr 15, 2012)

MoonHare said:


> I make about twice what my husband makes ($57K to $30K) and what we did was three bank accounts--joint and two allowance accounts. The joint is where we deposited our paychecks to pay for bills and then we each got $200 per month each for personal fun stuff. It worked for us. But, I usually do do the writing of the bills and he allowed me to be in charge of the money.


I actually think that would be a great idea. I have mentioned us opening a joint account before and he was against it. Said asking me for money would be like a son asking his mom. I think the way you explain it might actually work for us. I'll talk to him about trying that out. Thanks so much.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

It is crucial that spouses agree on financial expenditures. If you felt that you could not afford the Mustang, you should have put your foot down and said no way. If he really wanted it, you should have enlisted his help to save up enough to buy it.

Write up a budget of all of your income and your expenses. Get him on board with spending below your means. Caving in to his spending more than you can handle is a recipe for resentment. Your marriage will not survive if you do not agree on financial matters.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

it depends on the man but my H had a massive problem with the fact that I earned more than him. Because he was such a spendthrift (example: our DVD player broke down so he went to get a new one - a hundred quid or so? came with an amp and various other geek boy bits of equipment that set me back well over 500) I used to have to try and curb it and he hated that, felt like I was giving him an 'allowance' (isn't that what you do when you have someone with the mindset of a teenager??)

I earn about £60k a year (don't know what the conversion rate is) and yet never had any money because it trickled through his fingers like water

incredibly frustrating


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H and I also have three bank accounts. We have an individual account for weekly money and then a large account for the major bills. We used to fight about who spent too much money and this approach took care of that.

I think you have to stop feeling guilty about saying no to him. If you're not comfortable doing something that he wants you to do then you have to say so.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

married2bigkid said:


> I feel used


The easiest answer would be to learn how to say the word 'no'.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> (example: our DVD player broke down so he went to get a new one - a hundred quid or so?


you pay for things in fish there? :scratchhead:


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

split all bills down the middle.
what each of you have left is what you have to spend.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> you pay for things in fish there? :scratchhead:


dude you have fish on the brain, I said QUID


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## married2bigkid (Apr 15, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> It is crucial that spouses agree on financial expenditures. If you felt that you could not afford the Mustang, you should have put your foot down and said no way. If he really wanted it, you should have enlisted his help to save up enough to buy it.
> 
> Write up a budget of all of your income and your expenses. Get him on board with spending below your means. Caving in to his spending more than you can handle is a recipe for resentment. Your marriage will not survive if you do not agree on financial matters.


I think you hit the nail on the head with this one. I do resent him. I can afford the Mustang. He can't and I get mad knowing that I"m paying for him to live his dream when I'm not. I was so happy when I paid off my car because I knew I would be able to save. Negative! 

He has this way of making me feel so guilty when I tell him no so I end up caving in and resenting him later. I am going to take your advice and write up a budget and see where some cuts will have to be made. Something will have to give in order for us to make it in this marriage or he will have to get a part-time job.


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## married2bigkid (Apr 15, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> it depends on the man but my H had a massive problem with the fact that I earned more than him. Because he was such a spendthrift (example: our DVD player broke down so he went to get a new one - a hundred quid or so? came with an amp and various other geek boy bits of equipment that set me back well over 500) I used to have to try and curb it and he hated that, felt like I was giving him an 'allowance' (isn't that what you do when you have someone with the mindset of a teenager??)
> 
> I earn about £60k a year (don't know what the conversion rate is) and yet never had any money because it trickled through his fingers like water
> 
> incredibly frustrating



Exactly!


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## married2bigkid (Apr 15, 2012)

Blanca said:


> My H and I also have three bank accounts. We have an individual account for weekly money and then a large account for the major bills. We used to fight about who spent too much money and this approach took care of that.
> 
> I think you have to stop feeling guilty about saying no to him. If you're not comfortable doing something that he wants you to do then you have to say so.


Yeah he does make me feel guilty when I say no, but I now realize that in the end, it is best to go ahead and say no. What I'm learning is that by caving in, I only end up resenting him later.

Thanks so much!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The life lesson is never agree to do something that you know will cause you to feel resentment later. It always backfires - trust me I've been there many many times.


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## married2bigkid (Apr 15, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> The life lesson is never agree to do something that you know will cause you to feel resentment later. It always backfires - trust me I've been there many many times.


I'm learning that lesson.....It has always been hard for me to say no. Especially in relationships, but I'm learning it's best to go ahead and say no instead of making matters worse.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> split all bills down the middle.
> what each of you have left is what you have to spend.


I'm not sure this will work, given both his low income on an absolute scale and the large discrepancy to her income.

I don't think each of them taking out the same $200 per month or so for mad money will work either. He is already leading a nice life with his sports car and (IMO) has not done a whole lot to advance himself at that income level. Whereas, she probably works much harder or has invested in an education to make that much money.

I think they ought to split bills proportionately to income. He pays 30% and she pays 70%. It is a nice compromise between a complete pooling (which ignores the extra effort she puts forth) and an even split (which might generate resentment, since paying half the bills would leave him broke).

Another thing that would help is having the husband gain an appreciation of how hard it is to make decent money. I would be embarrassed to be making so much less and taking so much out (new sports car while his wife drives an old one). I had the reverse situation - wife made much less, did not strive for better, and loved to spend.

She thought punching a clock at any job for 40 hours made her an equal contributor. My success and contentmentwas not hard work or skill. So she was entitled to whatever she wanted.

I've seen this phenomenon in many people. Those that don't earn much (esp. when dissatisfied with their progress) seem to play down or belittle the success of others. A successful person is seen as lucky, a schmoozer, privileged, not doing real work or out of touch with the common person, etc. Maybe the same thing is happening here?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

married2bigkid said:


> I think you hit the nail on the head with this one. I do resent him. I can afford the Mustang. He can't and I get mad knowing that I"m paying for him to live his dream when I'm not. I was so happy when I paid off my car because I knew I would be able to save. Negative!
> 
> He has this way of making me feel so guilty when I tell him no so I end up caving in and resenting him later. I am going to take your advice and write up a budget and see where some cuts will have to be made. Something will have to give in order for us to make it in this marriage or he will have to get a part-time job.


So then, this is about more than the Mustang? It sounds like this is a fairly regular pattern in your marriage. While your income should not mean you always get more, it certainly should mean that you don't always get less. You've worked hard to get to this level and should profit from it at some point.

I've been exactly there. You need to address this now. Your resentment will only continue to grow, as will his obtuseness and / or sense of entitlement.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

DTO said:


> an even split (which might generate resentment, since paying half the bills would leave him broke).


might make him appreciate things a little more and not so quick to be wasteful.

i agree all money should be pooled together.
i dont think one or the other should spend stupidly.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I do agree that you should learn to say no, and stand firm on the demand that the two of you stick to a budget. If it helps, my wife and I settled on some basic rules based on the maximum that each expense should take out of our total income. As a result, we had a smaller home, and older cars than others in our salary range, but the discipline allowed us to save for college for our children and our retirement. His car would blow the lid off of any conservative figure that the two of you likely agreed upon, and in fact cost more than he makes in a year's time. Based on the limits we agreed upon, he would've been looking for a used vehicle with significant mileage. 

We've both been fortunate in our careers, but the disclipline we learned years ago really lowered the relationship stress we felt before agreeing to a firm budget. You shouldn't feel guilty for being more financially responsible. Maybe put it in terms of being able to weather unexpected emergencies, vacations, and plans for your future.


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## married2bigkid (Apr 15, 2012)

We sat down and went over a budget. I think having the three accts like someone suggested is going to work for us. I don't think he was too happy about having a monthly allowance and he knows I'm not letting his car go back because it's on MY credit and I don't want my credit score to go down when I've worked so hard to raise it. Tomorrow we are going to set up a joint account and I hope it works for us. If it doesn't he is going to have to get a better job or an additional job because I deserve better and I'm tired of compromising by sacrificing. 

Thank you all for your feedback. I really appreciate it!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

To my way of thinking, after marriage, "your" money and "my" money becomes "our" money and the same with the bills. Whether money comes out of his check or your's is irrelevant, it's all family money. You make $60K this year, maybe you'll make zero next year. He earns only $25K this year, maybe he hits the lottery tomorrow. When I was a kid, I bought muscle cars and souped them up. When I married, I assumed my toys (and my partner's) would take second place to family needs. I figured out long ago that buying a new car was a sucker's deal. I save a little cash, buy reliable used vehicles and drive the wheels off of them. I understand he wanted the GT. Folks in hell want iced tea. Instead of trying to get more horsepower out of a car, he needs to be thinking about getting more earning power out of himself.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

married2bigkid said:


> I know when we got married my money became our money and his money became our money, but what do you do when you make more, but he gets all the pleasures. What I mean by this is....I make about $60,000/yr and he makes $25,000. This isn't a problem when you add the two together, but it seems as though I'm footing all the bills. When we got married we agreed that he would pay daycare and utilities and I would pay the rent, insurances, house hold items, groceries, etc. Originally this worked, but now it seems like I'm footing the bill on everything and he gets to live it up. He talked me into signing for his dream car, "Mustang GT" last yr under the arrangement that we would split the car note since my car was paid for and he needed a car. Now this is not the suggested car for a father of two, but that's a whole different story. Any way, I feel used because I'm paying ALL the bills and he's riding around in a nice car (my car is 9 yrs old and in fairly good condition, but I could really use a new one) that he is also making modifications to. He does pay daycare, but he isn't holding up the agreement on the other bills. I just had a baby three months ago and have been out of work w/o pay so we have been living off our income tax returns. Instead of him putting some to the side, he put most of his in his car and now we are down to $500 in the bank and that's it. I just went back to work so it will be a few weeks before I get paid, but his car note is due, utilities are due, we barely have food in the fridge, and rent is coming up due soon. I just feel used. When we first met, he had me thinking he was hard working and making good money. He was working a ton of overtime, but since we've been married, he no longer does so. I guess because he has a sugar mama (Me) footing his bills. I am so frustrated and wondering if I'm wrong for feeling this way? I think if he wasn't so irresponsible, I wouldn't have a problem, but to see him living the "good life" while I'm pinching pennies trying to make it from check to check, it just doesn't seem fair. Especially when I make more and have nothing to show for it. I guess I'm more so venting, but how do I work out this financial issue?


If you are married, why isnt your money in a joint account, then it would be both your money and this MINE and HIS issue would be resolved. 

Also, have you tried talking to your husband about his lifestyle compared to yours? Is there more to his spending than just this car, you allow him to get? 

Also, if you are maturnity leave, shouldnt you be getting paid from your job. I am puzzled to read you guys make 85k a year and are living check to check, that is alarming!!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Humble Pie said:


> If you are married, why isnt your money in a joint account, then it would be both your money and this MINE and HIS issue would be resolved.


The problem is deeper than that. The OP is not being cheap or controlling here.

The deeper issue is that OP's H indulges himself and torpedoes their finances. His spending bears no resemblance to his income / earning power. He simply spends his check on "stuff" and assumes his wife will make up the difference. If anything, having a joint account might cause him to ramp up spending.

And, the problem is that $85k per year is not a whole lot of money, depending on where you live. I'm in SoCal, in a modest home (good neighborhood) with a long commute from the job centers (L.A. and south O.C.). My home way out here would cost nearly $2k a month to own (even considering today's low interest rates and price crash). You have to be careful to pay bills and plan for the future on that income; doubly so once kids are in the picture.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

DTO said:


> The problem is deeper than that. The OP is not being cheap or controlling here.
> 
> The deeper issue is that OP's H indulges himself and torpedoes their finances. His spending bears no resemblance to his income / earning power. He simply spends his check on "stuff" and assumes his wife will make up the difference. If anything, having a joint account might cause him to ramp up spending.


A joint account is a way to eliminate the MY MONEY/HIS MONEY. They are married, aren't married people supposed to (ideally) act as one? Yea I totally agree there is a deeper issue here, with him spending too much money, but this was an agreement made by both parties with regards to his car. I mean she cannot come on here and blame him for having a nice sports car when his wife agreed and put the car in her name.... can you?? If she was so concerned about the car, shouldn't she have said "no" to the idea, being the more educated spouse and "bread winner" of the family. By authorizing this move, she consented that there would be "no issues" with having the car, thus it wouldnt' damage their finances... fair??? 

I also disagree with your 70% - 30% split with bills, and agree mostly with the (3) accounts, (1) joint which each pay check from both partners goes into, and the other (2) for each spouse having a set allowence each month that is drawn from their (1) joint account. 

The 70%-30% doesnt work, as she would be making a stand against him with the position that this is her money and that is his, and I feel this would definatley build resentment in the relationship. Point being, you just cannot all of a sudden "jump ship" on your husband, whom you treated, and allowed to do things a certain way, and all of a sudden change. The change that should be made together, agreed that both are in the wrong, coming together as a team, agreeing that there is a money issue, and agreeing to resolve the money issue together (with the 3 accounts). If she comes out and blames him totally for this, it would be wrong and could cause major damage in marriage.


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## married2bigkid (Apr 15, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> If you are married, why isnt your money in a joint account, then it would be both your money and this MINE and HIS issue would be resolved.
> 
> Also, have you tried talking to your husband about his lifestyle compared to yours? Is there more to his spending than just this car, you allow him to get?
> 
> Also, if you are maturnity leave, shouldnt you be getting paid from your job. I am puzzled to read you guys make 85k a year and are living check to check, that is alarming!!


I initially wanted joint accounts but he was against it. Said he would feel like a child asking for money. I've always thought it was a great idea to have joint accts, but I couldn't get him to agree. After talking last night, we have decided to open a joint account, which I too think will resolve the money issue which is really resentment.

My job only approves you to be off for maternity leave due to FMLA, however, FMLA does not require them to pay you while off and I didn't have enough PTO saved up to receive pay. I had complications so I had to remain off longer than anticipated. I got paid 60% of my salary for 6 of the 12 weeks I was out thanks to short term disability.

The reason we're check to check is because we lacked a budget. This I rectified last night. I'm tired of working so hard and having nothing to show for it. I don't spend haphazardly and he does. That too is no longer going to happen because we both will be on a monthly allowance. Also I made $60,000 last yr because I had a great yr and was compensated with several bonuses. My actually salary is $40,000/yr. Thankfully I was able to pay off a ton of our debt so right now the only debt we have is that car note, a mortgage, and student loans. Now how many 30 yr olds can say that.


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## married2bigkid (Apr 15, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> A joint account is a way to eliminate the MY MONEY/HIS MONEY. They are married, aren't married people supposed to (ideally) act as one? Yea I totally agree there is a deeper issue here, with him spending too much money, but this was an agreement made by both parties with regards to his car. I mean she cannot come on here and blame him for having a nice sports car when his wife agreed and put the car in her name.... can you?? If she was so concerned about the car, shouldn't she have said "no" to the idea, being the more educated spouse and "bread winner" of the family. By authorizing this move, she consented that there would be "no issues" with having the car, thus it wouldnt' damage their finances... fair???
> 
> I also disagree with your 70% - 30% split with bills, and agree mostly with the (3) accounts, (1) joint which each pay check from both partners goes into, and the other (2) for each spouse having a set allowence each month that is drawn from their (1) joint account.
> 
> The 70%-30% doesnt work, as she would be making a stand against him with the position that this is her money and that is his, and I feel this would definatley build resentment in the relationship. Point being, you just cannot all of a sudden "jump ship" on your husband, whom you treated, and allowed to do things a certain way, and all of a sudden change. The change that should be made together, agreed that both are in the wrong, coming together as a team, agreeing that there is a money issue, and agreeing to resolve the money issue together (with the 3 accounts). If she comes out and blames him totally for this, it would be wrong and could cause major damage in marriage.


Yes, it's my fault for not saying no to the car. As I mentioned before I had a problem saying no, but I don't think that will be an issue anymore because we have talked about it. I agreed to the car thinking he would help with the monthly payments. Now that we've agreed to the 3 accounts I don't think this will be a big a problem because bills will be paid from that joint account.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> To my way of thinking, after marriage, "your" money and "my" money becomes "our" money and the same with the bills. Whether money comes out of his check or your's is irrelevant, it's all family money. You make $60K this year, maybe you'll make zero next year. He earns only $25K this year, maybe he hits the lottery tomorrow. When I was a kid, I bought muscle cars and souped them up. When I married, I assumed my toys (and my partner's) would take second place to family needs. I figured out long ago that buying a new car was a sucker's deal. I save a little cash, buy reliable used vehicles and drive the wheels off of them. I understand he wanted the GT. Folks in hell want iced tea. Instead of trying to get more horsepower out of a car, he needs to be thinking about getting more earning power out of himself.


I agree with this, however, sometimes that just doesn't work.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> To my way of thinking, after marriage, "your" money and "my" money becomes "our" money and the same with the bills. Whether money comes out of his check or your's is irrelevant, it's all family money. You make $60K this year, maybe you'll make zero next year. He earns only $25K this year, maybe he hits the lottery tomorrow. When I was a kid, I bought muscle cars and souped them up. When I married, I assumed my toys (and my partner's) would take second place to family needs. I figured out long ago that buying a new car was a sucker's deal. I save a little cash, buy reliable used vehicles and drive the wheels off of them. I understand he wanted the GT. Folks in hell want iced tea. Instead of trying to get more horsepower out of a car, he needs to be thinking about getting more earning power out of himself.


In theory, you are correct. But, as a practical matter, you've noted two concepts that should but do not always go together:

1) The money needs to be shared equally in the relationship.
2) The effort needs to be shared equally in the relationship.

This situation sounds like the H has no interest in increasing his effort (earning power) or in slowing down his spending. Some people just feel entitled like that.

Personally, I feel that reward needs to follow effort, even in marriage. Now, I get that people have different talents. When I was making a good salary (and working some long hours to do so), I did not expect my ex to match my earnings necessarily, but I did expect her to work harder where she could (around the home) when I was out earning the money that benefitted her directly.


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## devin621 (Apr 1, 2012)

MoonHare said:


> I make about twice what my husband makes ($57K to $30K) and what we did was three bank accounts--joint and two allowance accounts. The joint is where we deposited our paychecks to pay for bills and then we each got $200 per month each for personal fun stuff. It worked for us. But, I usually do do the writing of the bills and he allowed me to be in charge of the money.


:iagree:
Separate bank accounts are a great way to deal with this stuff. The problem is that if you don't have them early in the relationship, it can be real hard to open them without causing some conflict with your SO.

Interesting side note: I spent some time in Korea and in marriages over there it's the wife who oversees the finances 9 times out of 10.


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## symmetry (Apr 18, 2012)

Maybe we went into our marriage with a different mindset about money, but everything we make goes into a joint account. It doesn't matter who makes more than who, all bills get paid out of that account. We each work hard enough at our jobs, raising our kids, and keeping our household to get hung up over splitting expenses or about one of us getting more that their fair share.

I suppose it helps that we aren't spendaholics or have shopping compulsions but do have kids and a lot of miscellaneous expenses that come up on a monthly basis. Personal expenses like going out for lunch or general shopping are never discussed beforehand, and we really don't have the time to or want to limit ourselves from the spontaneous stuff that comes up. Thanks to online banking we always know exactly where we are during the month and are on the same page when it's time to reign in.

Bigger expenses do get discussed beforehand, except for groceries where we can drop anywhere from $100~300 per visit.


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## rider (Jun 22, 2009)

Congrats on the Joint accounts! First step taken.

The best thing to do is really to decide on an individual allowance account each month (my wife and I each get 500 bucks or so) and then to have a "slush fund" that is for both unexpected expenses, and unexpected savings. Those slush savings can be agreed upon for larger purposes.

The car is, and always will be a mistake, but it has to be put behind you guys.

If it helps, I make 2.5x your family income and I drive an 11 year old car with 210k on it. Rust and all. Gotta eat your humble pie!

Always remember this simple rule: if it's not your house, you write a check for it.


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## maryfran64 (Oct 23, 2012)

My financial situation is somewhat comparable to yours with just a few differences. I worked my way up in the financial ranks, raised three children on my own working 2-3 jobs and went back to school for my degree after my kids had either left home or started college. Long story, but the point is....I worked damned hard to get where I am financially. My husbands income is half of mine and the scale has always been tipped in my direction as far as the amount of financial contribution goes from day one. My husband has always worked hard, taken advantage of OT and at one point became a manager. He worked his way up to manager of his crew making just a bit less than I, but didn't want to deal with the stress, and decided to take a job paying less money, even after they offered him a $15K/yr raise to stay. By the way the job he accepted pays several thousand a year LESS than what he was making before.

He did discuss it with me before he made the final decision. I felt and expressed to him that he was giving up a huge opportunity and I felt that going backward in his employment and finances didn't make sense. Ultimately it was his decision and he made the choice to take the lesser paying job. I didn't agree with his decision but made it clear that I was not willing to cover all of the financial expenses and that he would still be responsibile for his portion of the household expenses. 

Here is my advice....if you haven't already done it, create a budget spreadsheet that outlines all of your combined financial responsibilities. Break it up into pay periods, weeks...however it works and list out every expense, dividing them up, indicating exactly what you agreed for the bills that each of you would be responsible. Once everything is visible, in black and white two things become clear...1) You will have to put more $ toward the household because in order for you to maintain your lifestyle (car) it's necessary, but you will also end up with a larger amount of spending$ than your husband 2) He will see that he is left with very little spending $ when he begins to cover the expenses he agreed to be responsible for and it will paint a clear picture that "mama is taking care of me and if I want more "things", I will need to find a way to get them". 

Not to sound harsh, but you made "choices" to allow your husband to take advantage of or 'use" you financially. You have control over your decisions and the results.

It's not easy and it took my husband a while to accept that I was going to decide how much of my additional spending money I was willing to give up for his lifestyle but he HAS accepted it and I feel more confident that I am not being taken advantage of or at least I have the ability to enjoy the $ that I worked so hard for all my life. I hope my advice helps you.

Good luck!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> it depends on the man but my H had a massive problem with the fact that I earned more than him. Because he was such a spendthrift (example: our DVD player broke down so he went to get a new one - a hundred quid or so? came with an amp and various other geek boy bits of equipment that set me back well over 500) I used to have to try and curb it and he hated that, felt like I was giving him an 'allowance' (isn't that what you do when you have someone with the mindset of a teenager??)
> 
> I earn about £60k a year (don't know what the conversion rate is) and yet never had any money because it trickled through his fingers like water
> 
> incredibly frustrating


I'm on 65k GBP and that equates to approx 103,900 USD, Mrs Wysh is on 30k.

But you have to factor in the cost of living between the two countries.

We just have two accounts, our savings account and current account and we have credit cards and debit cards on the same account.

It seems to work for us although I did have to pay off a rather large credit card debt recently as Mrs Wysh had a habit of browsing Amazon, saying "ohh that would be nice for the house or whatever" and buying it. Unfortunately our credit card was the default payment option and it racked up without me realising it.

As for the OP I think she really needs to let her hubby know that he needs to start pulling his weight more.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

married2bigkid said:


> Yes, it's my fault for not saying no to the car. As I mentioned before I had a problem saying no, but I don't think that will be an issue anymore because we have talked about it. I agreed to the car thinking he would help with the monthly payments. Now that we've agreed to the 3 accounts I don't think this will be a big a problem because bills will be paid from that joint account.


If you're broke, sell the stupid Mustang and buy a more affordable and practical car. Is there even room in that car for a baby seat?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Hmmm this is all very interesting from and anthropological point of view. Usually women burn through their husband's cash like it grows on trees, but when a guy does it it gets complicated and is a huge deal. Seems like, from my observations, when the guy earns more it's "our money" and they are OK with it, but once she outearns him it becomes "my money and your money" and women detest when the guy overspends.

Having said this, your husband is acting irresponsible and should, as is part of the normal male self respect, not spend more than he earns.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

costa200 said:


> Hmmm this is all very interesting from and anthropological point of view. Usually women burn through their husband's cash like it grows on trees, but when a guy does it it gets complicated and is a huge deal. ...


oh puh-lease. "Usually" women burn through cash like it grows on trees?

That is not 'anthropology', that idea is... Bu!!s#hit. Nonsense.

(Im sorry. Lets say it is 'usually' BS.)

Seriously - there is nothing worse than this sort of tripe that has a facade of 'science' layered on it - as if attaching 'anthropological' to this makes blanket assertions somehow valid.

*slapping forhead* Sucked into an old thread again. Sorry.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Hmmm this is all very interesting from and anthropological point of view. Usually women burn through their husband's cash like it grows on trees, but when a guy does it it gets complicated and is a huge deal. Seems like, from my observations, when the guy earns more it's "our money" and they are OK with it, but once she outearns him it becomes "my money and your money" and women detest when the guy overspends.
> 
> Having said this, your husband is acting irresponsible and should, as is part of the normal male self respect, not spend more than he earns.


Let's not generalize. I think people are either responsible with spending within their means or not. Both genders. 

My ex earned anywhere from 120K to 51K - NPD made it difficult to work for anyone and it fluctuated greatly plus his get rich quick schemes. He spent like crazy. Bought a boat, 250K house, E300 at 25% interest... all to look rich. But we had a hand-me-down sofa that looked like crap which I made a slipcover for, trying to made do however I could.

I earn somewhere in the middle of that range with a 125K house, a car paid for and a modestly but nicely decorated home. I'd much rather live within my means regardless of who is the big earner. 

I've also learned I prefer to make memories vs. acquire things. I'd rather keep driving the older car but take a nice vacation we'll remember for a long time. I want to travel and see lots of the world but stay in the small house. I'll stay in an inexpensive hotel just so I can have the para-sailing experience or the tiki-lit dinner on the beach instead.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I have been married for 46 years, the majority of which I was the sole wage earner. My wife was a stay at home mom till the kids got out of school. Then she sold Avon for 20 years, but never earned over $4000 in a year, and had to pay self employment tax out of that. 

We have a Mustang GT that I bought last year when I retired. I also bought a 17 ft. fishing boat. We bought a Chevy Impala this year for the wife. We still have a 4WD Ford Explorer to pull the large boat, and a Nissan Pathfinder we keep for an extra 4WD vehicle in winter.

Before that it was family sized sedans to accomodate 2 kids, and a small aluminum fishing boat. We did not have the luxury of 2 vehicles till 20 years into our marriage. 

Now we have 2 homes, 3 boats,and 4 cars, but they are all our cars, boats, homes. And we never had more than one joint bank account....It was ALWAYS our money. 

My question is "who should I resent for paying ALL of the freight for almost half a century"?

Get over being the big bread winner, and concentrate on your marriage.


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## DrunkenH (Jul 29, 2012)

What I wouldn't give to be married to a woman who makes twice what I do.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You would not like it, I bet. It is difficult when you want to buy her something very special and you do not have your own money to do it. It tears you apart inside because you know what she deserves and you are not able to give it. You have to be cold hearted to combine both incomes and purchase gifts from joint money without any consideration of where that money came from. I never got over that and it was one of my issues leading to divorce.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Never understood the “_my money v. your money_” business. Its almost like you’re dorm mates in college when you’re doing this as a marital unit. 

For those of you that do, do you file your tax returns married filling separately? I suppose, if one of you is really on the line legally it could be advantageous in litigation or tax fraud but I just don’t get it generally – you’re one not room mates. 

Heck in some US states, like Texas, which follow Spanish community property law, the legal presumption is half the husband’s income is the wife’s and half the wife’s income is the husbands.

To the *Original Poster*, notwithstanding my rant on the “my money your money” thing, I think it’d do you both well to find a CFP* to work with in establishing a viable financial plan for the family. You now have a child and, financially, that is a game changer. Between the two of you, there’s a nice family income but it’s not so much that issues like these won’t promptly torpedo the family budget. 

Notice how I kept saying “family”?

* You can Google CFP to find someone nearby.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

DrunkenH said:


> What I wouldn't give to be married to a woman who makes twice what I do.


Careful what you wish for - I earned 4x what my ex-husband earned and despite the pretence of being ok with it he really REALLY wasn't

It was far more of an issue for him than it was for me, believe me


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I made more than my exSO but less than my exH. 

I absolutely HATED being the lower earner of the household.But that was probably based on my exH's domineering personality. 

It was a joy to be the main breadwinner when I was with my exSO.It never bothered him bc he was secure enough in that regard to understand I'd never try to control him just bc I made more.It made me feel useful and worthy that I could provide an awesome lifestyle for myself and my partner.

It helped that we had the same money personality so we never had fights about money.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

married2bigkid said:


> I know when we got married my money became our money and his money became our money, but what do you do when you make more, but he gets all the pleasures. What I mean by this is....I make about $60,000/yr and he makes $25,000. This isn't a problem when you add the two together, but it seems as though I'm footing all the bills. When we got married we agreed that he would pay daycare and utilities and I would pay the rent, insurances, house hold items, groceries, etc. Originally this worked, but now it seems like I'm footing the bill on everything and he gets to live it up. He talked me into signing for his dream car, "Mustang GT" last yr under the arrangement that we would split the car note since my car was paid for and he needed a car. Now this is not the suggested car for a father of two, but that's a whole different story. Any way, I feel used because I'm paying ALL the bills and he's riding around in a nice car (my car is 9 yrs old and in fairly good condition, but I could really use a new one) that he is also making modifications to. He does pay daycare, but he isn't holding up the agreement on the other bills. I just had a baby three months ago and have been out of work w/o pay so we have been living off our income tax returns. Instead of him putting some to the side, he put most of his in his car and now we are down to $500 in the bank and that's it. I just went back to work so it will be a few weeks before I get paid, but his car note is due, utilities are due, we barely have food in the fridge, and rent is coming up due soon. I just feel used. When we first met, he had me thinking he was hard working and making good money. He was working a ton of overtime, but since we've been married, he no longer does so. I guess because he has a sugar mama (Me) footing his bills. I am so frustrated and wondering if I'm wrong for feeling this way? I think if he wasn't so irresponsible, I wouldn't have a problem, but to see him living the "good life" while I'm pinching pennies trying to make it from check to check, it just doesn't seem fair. Especially when I make more and have nothing to show for it. I guess I'm more so venting, but how do I work out this financial issue?


Your story should have nothing to do with you makes what. My wife is a SAHM, so I guess I could say that I foot all the bills and she pays nothing.

The point shouldn't be about who pays for what. The point is that you guys need to budget and set priorities. Your husband is being irresponsible with his car. You made a mistake agreeing to buy the car. He shouldn't be doing 'modifications' to it,when money is so tight. 

My idea would be to create a joint account and put all your money in there each month except a certain amount you each keep for yourselves. You each get the same amount. Whatever fits into your budget. His hobbies (car modifications,etc.) are paid out of his allowance and your hobbies are paid out of your allowance. Everything else are family expenses and are paid from the joint account.

Never talk about where the money comes from and who makes what. You are family. It is family money whether you make 100% of it or 0% of it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I think this is a big reason I don't think I want to marry again... I would co-habitate but I don't want the family income dynamic... I've always been the breadwinner, and all it had ever bought me was a resentful wife.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Lon said:


> I think this is a big reason I don't think I want to marry again... I would co-habitate but I don't want the family income dynamic... I've always been the breadwinner, and all it had ever bought me was a resentful wife.


Marry someone who makes her own money. We're out there.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Interesting. I really think it is a framework in which you approach the marriage. For us, it is a team concept. There is no combined balance sheet there is the family balance sheet. We have been at both sides of the spectrum in who was currently earning more. 

Perhaps we’re out of touch – but frankly I prefer it that way.


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

my wife technically made 15% more in salary than i do (and she is actually 2 ranks higher than me within the government) but i had more income than her because i save my money on buying apartments/units and rent them out (hence i made 5% more than she does in total income)

(btw my wife's a spender so no matter how much she made she seems to know ways to spend it and thus encourage my wife to work harder and spend it and the cycle continues....)


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

it's not about what you make and who makes it - it's about what you spend

we could never get our head above water because he spent what we had (and more) and would complain if I ever tried to curb it but wouldn't put in the effort to actually make more himself. When you're relatively careful with your money and live with someone who is reckless with it you become resentful, whoever makes more


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> it's not about what you make and who makes it - it's about what you spend
> 
> we could never get our head above water because he spent what we had (and more) and would complain if I ever tried to curb it but wouldn't put in the effort to actually make more himself. When you're relatively careful with your money and live with someone who is reckless with it you become resentful, whoever makes more


why don't you just had a separate account between you and your H then? and a joint account that only pays the bills.....

It works quite well for me and my wife notice that she can't spend like she does forever (since she expects to have a joint account with me before marriage) she seems to curb her spending gradually (she still spends nowdays but its better than the days when we were dating MUCH better)


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I bought my dream car (Mustang GT convertible) when I retired.

It is not a soccer mom car, but is great for mom and dad date night. 

Is this the first time you have been in a tight money spot? After 46 years of marriage, I can vouch that they come along quie often. 

I was the primary wage earner, and for the first 16 years the wife was a stay at home mom, later she earned some money selling Avon, but never over $6000 a year. 

If you can't stand him making less money, divorce him now, instead of spending years resenting it.

His car was not an excessively expensive one, and will hold it's value well. The longer you keep it, the better the return you will get from it. You can't say that about a mini van.

Till I got my GT my car was 7 years older than hers, and now I have bought her a car 3 years newer than my Mustang.

That's just the way things work out. If you can't stand him not paying his "fair" share dump him now...

But where will you find a guy that makes "EXACTLY" what you make, so neither will feel resentment?


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## DrunkenH (Jul 29, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> You would not like it, I bet.


I bet I would like it more than being married to a woman with no income, a boat I was in for a good long time.


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