# Husband of 27 years wanted to get out..Wife has done a complete turnaround ??Confuse



## gfl

I have been with my wife since I was 18 years old now 45 we have certainly had our share of ups and downs . I’ve just come to the point I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired, No intimacy..No affection, no deep kissing even when I was allowed to have sex with her, very dominate no bargaining women . We almost got a divorce at 31 because it was mostly we where just leading separate lives and I was hanging with my buddies to much. I was devastated when she wanted a divorce then and she was done. I balled for days on end because I knew it was mostly due to me being stupid. Then after several months she decided she wanted me back and I came running. After a year we where back on the no intimacy path again and we now have an 8 year old boy. About 8 months ago I just gave up and decided I was just going to do my own thing and then work up the courage to leave the marriage. I was tired of begging her to hold my hand / cuddle / or sit by me on the couch for a movie. In the process of my withdrawal I messed up and met someone before I had got out of my marriage. Yes I know let the bashing begin !!!! I should have waited to finish this relationship before I started another one…I told my wife I was not in –love with her anymore and that I didn’t have feelings for her anymore and just wanted a marriage of happiness and enrichment and I was tired of trying to make it work . She went through a short period of anger then she did a complete turn around …wants to cuddle hold hands go on motorcycle rides go dancing gets up fixes my breakfast massages just everything yadda yadda yadda things I have been trying to get her to do for 10 years begging to no avail.. I got us in counseling and that seems to help us deal with it. I tried to break it off with the OW from whom I have fallen for deeply and she agreed but I am having the hardest time letting her go…Only reason the OW saw me was because I convinced her I was leaving my marriage and I was just trying to get finances, and child rearing set up as well as getting my wife to a place I felt comfortable before I left and that she wouldn’t go nuts. 

Again I just can’t figure out the change in my wife just like she flipped a switch. She apologized profusely to me for the years of neglect and taking advantage and begs me to give her another chance…she says she realizes how perfect I was and what a wonderful man I am and it is totally her mistake…she has also said she believes I have had an affair but doesn’t seem to care about it I have been trying hard ,(profusely) to try to get some sort of spark back for her trying the fake it till you make it approach but its just not happening . I really think I haven’t been in-love for long I can’t just flip a switch like she did and be madly in-love again …my question is will I ever get the love back for her again. I know I fell deeply for the OW and ive put her off to work on this but I really don’t want to lose her even though there is a large age difference between us we just click so well intellectually and we seem so compatible …I just don’t know how long I should keep trying with my wife before I throw in the towel? Does anyone have any recommendations how long I should keep trying…we are doing everything together and my wife is extremely attractive blond 115 lbs gorgeous always gets hit on every time we go out but she just doesn’t do it for me anymore… I don’t know how long I can keep trying??


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## angelpixie

As long as you can say 'I really don't want to lose her' (meaning the OW), then nothing will get better with your wife. You will be constantly be comparing her to the OW and she will always come up short, because that's what you're hoping for. 

Until you get the OW out of your mind completely, you cannot fully give yourself to your wife and your marriage. Plain and simple.


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## CH

gfl said:


> but she just doesn’t do it for me anymore… I don’t know how long I can keep trying??


Try for what? You're done with the marriage right now. Plus being with the OW has messed you up big time. Tell your wife and move on.

As to why they change, sometimes it takes a disaster to get us moving in the right direction. But most of the time that change is short term only.


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## *LittleDeer*

You are robbing your marriage of the true chance of improving by cheating. And your are robbing your son too.

Your wife was wrong for treating you badly. But you let her. 

Now you are very wrong and damaging the relationship more by cheating.


You have a chance at a great relationship with your wife. Come clean. Go completely no contact with the OW and be accountable to your wife. Give her all your passwords and change your Ph number if needed and email address. Start focusing on your wife. Spend lots of time together and start giving to each other.

Put firm boundaries in place on acceptable behaviour for both of you. No cheating and no ignoring each others needs. Continue with counselling.


Of course the other woman seems more exciting and wonderful. You don't live together and it's a shiney new relationship. 

Most people after divorce regret not working harder to save their marriages.


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## gfl

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gfl

Thanks everyone all great comments i really know there is no good way out of a bad situation I created ... I just wish I could stay and work it out with the wife it would be so much easier .. Iam trying to get the ow out of my mind ... I planning on keep going to counseling and trying hard idle two more months then if it ain't there ill prolly move on 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gfl

Well here I am two months later and have been going to counseling …Still feel miserable ….I think for me its just been too much water under the bridge …I am just not getting my feelings back for my wife and its so so sad and I feel so sorry for her …she has such high moral standards and such a respectful responsible person. 

What’s worse as I have been trying so hard to work on us she has been mislead to think we where doing so much better until last night when I told her a little that I still do not have all the feelings back for her …She broke down so so hard….I hate myself for not wanting to stay with her and wanting another separation … Why would someone want to leave a marriage of comfort with a beautiful respectful wife who would now do anything for me to go be alone / be broke , live with a lot less living standards and break up a home ….just doesn’t make any sense to me ??? 

I think the only thing I can come up with is just to much time has past and want a fulfilling marriage if I ever meet that person… The OW is also still heavy on my mind but the reality is those rarely work out after an affair and there is such a large gap in age, but I would take her back in heart beat …But looking at it she was kind of a crow bar but you don’t have to marry the crowbar I know…I think iam just gonna ask for another separation for 30 days then just make a decision …she will be horribly distraught she has already started antidepressants… and lastly why am I hanging on to my wife and not wanting it to end ? maybe I am just being selfish or maybe I am hoping to wish she was the women for me …I just don’t want to settle for an ok humdrum marriage with someone I only Dane to be with …even if it means not having anyone I guess…I will still always care about her if she is ill or needs anything …I feel I will always deeply love her in that way …I just don’t know what the hell is wrong with me and why cant I just be content….I just don’t care to be around her for long periods at a time and sometimes to be even more awful I cant even stand to carry on a conversation with her … I am so stupid ….


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## Trickster

My wife is a lot like you wife. No affection, hand holding, no hugs yada yada yada. We are both 45 and have been together since we were 25, minus a 6 month break-up early on in our relationship. When she would call me to see what was going on, I’d talk about some dates I had. Well she wanted to come back in a heartbeat all loving and caring. I thought she changed. So I broke it off with the other women.

Eventually the love waned again and the affection slowed. After 8 years of living together we got married anyway. Now we have a 9 year old. 

I haven’t had an affair, but there is a woman of interest. Being that I am married, she just complements me a lot…That could be all it is though. 

So…I recently told my wife I wanted to separate and I would stay with a friend. Like your wife, mine did that same. She is more loving, caring, sexual, and she even sits by me on the couch. She initiates sex more than ever before. 

It’s hard for me to believe this will continue. I am not sure if I really love her or if I see her more as a friend. I do know that I don’t mind when I work late and I don’t get a chance to spend time with her. 
My wife is still my best friend and the mother of our child.

Are you hanging on to the marriage because you don’t want to lose your best friend?

Maybe it took you cheating to wake her up.


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## gfl

Wow your story sounds almost identical to mine ….I am just scared that I might be making a big mistake and look back in ten years on regret …but like you we just haven’t jelled for so so long and like you it is hard to let go of you’re friend I don’t know why I even feel this way because deep down I know I don’t care for her in the way that I should and like you again I really don’t want to spend that much time with her as well …don’t know if the change in her is real anyway I think its well intended and we have been going out on dates but its just not the same for me …I think I just need to pull the plug really …plus I hate all the hurt I am going to cause her and my son that’s one of the biggest concerns as my wife has low self esteem anyway…but she is extremely attractive looks 10 years younger very good personality …she will find someone no doubt …but it is what it is I just need to man up ..: (


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## Trickster

gfl said:


> Why would someone want to leave a marriage of comfort with a beautiful respectful wife who would now do anything for me to go be alone / be broke , live with a lot less living standards and break up a home ….just doesn’t make any sense to me ?
> 
> *I don't want to live alone
> 
> I don't want to be away from my daughter
> 
> I don't want to live in a shack or share a space with a friend. That could ruin a friendship!
> 
> I don't want to hurt my wife. She is the best thing that has happened to me. Sometimes I just forget that. *
> 
> maybe I am just being selfish or maybe I am hoping to wish she was the women for me …I just don’t want to settle for an ok humdrum marriage with someone I only Dane to be with …even if it means not having anyone I guess
> 
> *the affair was selfish and your wife must really be hurt from it. Maybe she is willing to grow from your mistake.*
> 
> I just don’t know what the hell is wrong with me and why cant I just be content.


*Sometimes I feel like an idiot myself*


*I am working on bringing a spark to the marriage. I don’t think there was one to begin with. I want there to be one. I just bought a book , how to create chemistry with anyone. By Leil Lowndes. Glancing through the book, I realize that I have to create the chemistry if I want to stay married.

for some reason, you chose your wife and have been together for 27 years. There must be something there. 

Did you have the A in hopes that she would leave you?*


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## gfl

It sound like you are getting there and man I hope it works out for you …damn I really do you know as well as I do that would be a much easier path to follow…the reality is I wish I felt for her at least an ¼ of what I feel for the OW…it tore me up when I broke it off with her but I wanted to give my marriage another try since SHE had changed so much and tried I figured I would …after that I said to myself if the OW would ever give me another shot I would probably just go for it …I know its selfish but iam honest ….

Yes I was hoping she would make it easy but she has not shes worked really hard not threatening ,,,kind/ loving ,,,sexual, dating , but I do see some of her dominate traits she’s not perfect but she’s trying …yes I could go on with her but I don’t think I would be happy in the long run and i aint getting any younger ...

So is it working for you ? i dont know if you can just build chemistry with two people ..I think u got it or you dont espicially at first ...has to be some attraction vie emotional and/or phsyical


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## 3Xnocharm

It sounds to me like she realized she was going to lose the life she is used to and has panicked. I somehow doubt that the change would continue if you two stay together. You admit to loss of love on your part, not to mention your strong feelings for someone else. I dont believe that you can "create" chemistry with someone, its either there or it isnt, and it sounds like maybe the kindest thing you two can do for each other is to go your separate ways.


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## gfl

iam so friggen scared of this proccess ...I moved out been gone almost 30 days will end march 7th ....my wife is ready and willing to take me back but i just dont know why ive been dragging this out for too too long and just need to decide ...the OW came back in to the picture but i know she is a long shot i.e. early 20's drop dead beutiful ****y and she knows it ...i know thats got me jacked up big time...(but idc what anyone says i was out of love way before she hit the scene)... i know i just have to do the D knowing the OW wont be a part of my life ...i really dont know why this guilt keeps me hanging on and keeps her not being able to move on ...so unfair on my part ...idk maybe ill get an enlightened soon ....i know i care for her ...how can you not after 27 years togetehr ...I think that 3Xnocharm has kinda put it in perspective ...i wish everyone well


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## gfl

Well an update /// still struggling after living on my own for a year and having the OW in my life as well,,,its been hell with her as well trying to juggle her and my son and the wife ,,,iam surprised iam still alive frankly  so the wife knows everything about the O W pictures on FB her age how long we’ve been dating everything...i told her that she needs to just let me go and she still won’t says she doesn’t care about the affair but just wants me back ,,,but of course i gotta stop seeing the OW ..and that has been no picnic because of her age her beauty and my sometimes jealousy,,,plus the OW doesn’t trust me to much because I have not been up front with her about the whole process and found texts from other girls hitting on me that used to be my friends but I got rid of them as soon as they crossed the line ...anyway I never EVER thought this could go on so long...I can’t believe my poor wife is holding on to me after everything I’ve done she is litterly dying for me to give our marriage another try,,,so again iam back to the same old question try to work it out or stay with the OW ... the OW loves me dearly and it’s been 17 months of knowing her and again she’s madly in love with me but a handful and a controlling little thing always wants to know where aim at and what aim doing and she’s moody as heck but I love that little girl and aim so sooo attracted to her we are amazing together when we r not trying to kill each other hahah so this is the BS I’ve put myself in and I love the OW but I still care deeply and guilty / sorry for my wife and I feel I could have it made so easily if I just went back home but iam not physically attracted to my wife… iam strongly considering going back home but I just can’t give up my baby girl who I know if I stay with her its gonna be a hard road for one we are 25 years apart in age I know it’s crazy but she doesn’t care and I don’t either shes on a scholarship in nursing school and its her last year she wants a life with me no doubt but I have reservations…I would litterly devastate her as well if I pulled the plug on us …geeze iam so jacked right now gonna try to see a counselor this week as well again just me …ive gotta make a decision this week because the wife has kind of gave me an ultimatum


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## Aerith

gfl said:


> Well an update /// still struggling after living on my own for a year and having the OW in my life as well,,,its been hell with her as well trying to juggle her and my son and the wife ,,,iam surprised iam still alive frankly  so the wife knows everything about the O W pictures on FB her age how long we’ve been dating everything...i told her that she needs to just let me go and she still won’t says she doesn’t care about the affair but just wants me back ,,,but of course i gotta stop seeing the OW ..and that has been no picnic because of her age her beauty and my sometimes jealousy,,,plus the OW doesn’t trust me to much because I have not been up front with her about the whole process and found texts from other girls hitting on me that used to be my friends but I got rid of them as soon as they crossed the line ...anyway I never EVER thought this could go on so long...I can’t believe my poor wife is holding on to me after everything I’ve done she is litterly dying for me to give our marriage another try,,,so again iam back to the same old question try to work it out or stay with the OW ... the OW loves me dearly and it’s been 17 months of knowing her and again she’s madly in love with me but a handful and a controlling little thing always wants to know where aim at and what aim doing and she’s moody as heck but I love that little girl and aim so sooo attracted to her we are amazing together when we r not trying to kill each other hahah so this is the BS I’ve put myself in and I love the OW but I still care deeply and guilty / sorry for my wife and I feel I could have it made so easily if I just went back home but iam not physically attracted to my wife… iam strongly considering going back home but I just can’t give up my baby girl who I know if I stay with her its gonna be a hard road for one we are 25 years apart in age I know it’s crazy but she doesn’t care and I don’t either shes on a scholarship in nursing school and its her last year she wants a life with me no doubt but I have reservations…I would litterly devastate her as well if I pulled the plug on us …geeze iam so jacked right now gonna try to see a counselor this week as well again just me …ive gotta make a decision this week because the wife has kind of gave me an ultimatum


GFL, 
Looks like 2 women in your life are tearing you apart...your wife and your gf are fighting for you and that probably contributes a lot to your ego 

From what you described it looks like you cannot make a rational decision - you need to distance yourself from both of them, clear you head and then decide.

My advice would be - set up a deadline for yourself - not the one your wife or your gf dictate. If your wife gave you "kind" of ultimatum - tell her she can go and file for D. Tell her the date when you will come back with your decision. If she files - so, it will be easier for you but I doubt she would.

I don't know how sincere is your wife in her drastic changes - if they are permanent or it's just temporary measure to get you back - you need to find out.

Your gf is way too young - 25 years is a huge difference - and way too controlling and insecure. Maybe good for a fling but you should reconsider that from long term prospective...

Good luck!


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## gfl

Aerith said:


> GFL,
> Looks like 2 women in your life are tearing you apart...your wife and your gf are fighting for you and that probably contributes a lot to your ego
> 
> From what you described it looks like you cannot make a rational decision - you need to distance yourself from both of them, clear you head and then decide.
> 
> My advice would be - set up a deadline for yourself - not the one your wife or your gf dictate. If your wife gave you "kind" of ultimatum - tell her she can go and file for D. Tell her the date when you will come back with your decision. If she files - so, it will be easier for you but I doubt she would.
> 
> I don't know how sincere is your wife in her drastic changes - if they are permanent or it's just temporary measure to get you back - you need to find out.
> 
> Your gf is way too young - 25 years is a huge difference - and way too controlling and insecure. Maybe good for a fling but you should reconsider that from long term prospective...
> 
> Good luck!


Thank you so much for you're response it sounds like I need to do just that this has been dragging on way too long and Iam just burnt thanks again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aerith

Hey, good luck with whatever you decide to do!


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## Married but Happy

Your wife changed to avoid losing you. Once she has you back, I'll bet she'll return to her old ways. Perhaps it's a real, permanent change, but without a reason other than fear to motivate her, what IS the real reason?


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## bandit.45

Stay with the OW.

Your wife starved you of affection for a decade, and then initiated divorce because you were hanging out with your buds too much???

Huh?! :scratchhead:

Naw... D your wife and move on. 

Your idiot wife got what she wanted: freedom. But instead of withering away and dying in pain and lonlieness like you were supposed to, you did something you weren't supposed to do: you traded up for a better, more loving woman. You didn't play by your wife's rules, you threw her for a loop, and caught her on her blind side with a haymaker....

Now she's panicked and trying to do what she can to extricate herself from the mess she made.

This decision to me is a no-brainer. Your wife is play-acting. As soon as you dump the OW and go back to the hag, your wife will revert back to her old ways faster than you can spit.


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## gfl

bandit.45 said:


> Stay with the OW.
> 
> Your wife starved you of affection for a decade, and then initiated divorce because you were hanging out with your buds too much???
> 
> Huh?! :scratchhead:
> 
> Naw... D your wife and move on.
> 
> 
> Your idiot wife got what she wanted: freedom. But instead of withering away and dying in pain and lonlieness like you were supposed to, you did something you weren't supposed to do: you traded up for a better, more loving woman. You didn't play by your wife's rules, you threw her for a loop, and caught her on her blind side with a haymaker....
> 
> Now she's panicked and trying to do what she can to extricate herself from the mess she made.
> 
> This decision to me is a no-brainer. Your wife is play-acting. As soon as you dump the OW and go back to the hag, your wife will revert back to her old ways faster than you can spit.



Thanks for all the good advice I love this board and all the unselfish people giving their time to comment ,, thank you all so much!!
Yea she's found God and I think the change may be sincere but I've lost the attraction along the way and I just need to man up either way it's the limbo that's killing me and my / her potential to move on. Again so much great advice thanks everyone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

You should ask yourself if things don't work out with your gf, and they very likely won't, will you want your wife back? If the answer is no by all means file for divorce. If the answer is yes then what you're doing is sleezy......just know that a 25 years younger gf is going to burn out. Right now you're an exciting older man that she's going to take away from his wife...such an ego boost.....but when you have each other full time the rainbows and unicorns will be gone. Please deal with your marriage without a sk!nk waiting in the wings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

I would also question leaving your marriage for your young chickie... She's young enough to be your daughter, literally. If you have kids, you'll be mistaken for their grandfather. And she likely will want kids. Plus she'll be getting hit on by guys her age, while her sex drive is ramping up and yours is tailing off. And to top it off, she's already demonstrated that marriage isn't something she takes all that seriously, since she was willing to assist you in blowing yours up.

End your marriage, if that's what you want to do. But be cautious about your next steps.

C


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## bandit.45

Well if you don't think it woukld work out with the young woman, then be merciful and end it with her. 

But don't go back to your ex wife either. Why would you do that? Kids or no kids, its not worth rehashing what was never a good marriage.


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## AlmostYoung

I highly doubt W is "play acting" for over a year. Sorry, but people don't/can't fake it that long.

But I do think you should D her... because I don't think you deserve her.

Then, when GF dumps/cheats on you, you'll know how it feels to be in your W's shoes.

How's your son liking your romp?


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## gfl

Bandit. 45 !! great responses BTW ….that’s what I want realistically to work out with the young women … I think sometimes iam living in a fairy tale but I want the fairy tale and while she is young but very old and iam old but very young …when shes / where happy she treats me amazing and she can be handful she really doesn’t care about my age but truthfully I look really young right now iam also a novice bodybuilder and love spending time in the gym …but that will all fade later iam gonna do it as long as I can tho…and I think regardless of the W has had a sincere change I think I should at least wane to be with her physically although I still care deeply for her as the mother of my child and a friend ,,,but I can’t deny all the crap if been thru with her\regardless 

Others: As I mentioned the OW was lead to believe that I was going thru the divorce process as all she sough I was living on my own and doing my own thing and I told her that, otherwise she would not be with me and not a home wrecker. But she’s not innocent either she is young and hot and likes the attention a little ,,she’s been a ring girl in MMA fights paid by hooters and models as well so she’s way more attractive then I like and that’s always been a issue for me that iam getting better dealing with…
I guess for me its not a question of who I choose or don’t I think its just very sad that W is willing now to do amazing stuff for me , ride w/me on the Harley / go out on the town/ yadda yadda and its sad because it probably would have saved our marriage if she would’ve done it sooner years sooner…the only reservation I have now is what if I didn’t work hard enough and those feelings I once had for her many years ago might actually come back…I feel that’s like playing the lottery on hopes that I might just might be interested in her again but yet I have to give up an amazing beautiful women in the process just to find out if and only if I am making a mistake . I know that rolling the dice with the young one is playing the lottery too but its been an amazing roller coaster ride and after 17 months we know each other very well ,,, I think like Bandit says it’s not worth rehashing what was never a good marriage. Lastly if it doesn’t work out with my young NW and she ends up cheating yes I will be devastated and maybe I will get what I deserve but I least I lived life with someone I wanted to hold hands with 


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## Keepin-my-head-up

Have you has sex with your wife since you 2 split up?
you are taking her for Harley rides and such. 

Nothing wrong with that except that you know how she feels and that is a big signal to her.

You may think you are just being friendly, but you are being friendly with your wife who you know wants you back.

She will continue to act as if you two will get back together if you continue to go out on the town with her, ride the Harley with her, etc...

So step up to the plate with your wife or stop stringing her along.

Also. 
Dude, i am sure you are a dashing man, but the girl is an MMA/Hooters model?
You know for a fact that you are not the first ripped guy to come along right?
She is still growing regardless of the (i act younger she acts older) line you use.
Not that you can't have a relationship with her but if you have jealousy issues let me say this.
You know what women like more than muscle men with wives and kids?

Rich Doctors..
When does she graduate nursing school?


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## gfl

Yeah I know I really try not to string her along and tell her that she does need to distance yourself from me,,, I told her several times to stop trying to contact me all the time give me hugs all that stuff,,, again I feel so bad she has a hard time letting go and other than just being a total jerk I really try to distance myself from her,,,

And yeah I know about the girlfriend it's hard for me to deal with because it seems like guys are always chasing her but she handles herself well... And she's had several boyfriends before me so yeah she's not Nieve in that area,,, And don't think I have beat myself up with every scenario that could happen with her about meeting a doctor or younger hotter guy or whatever,,, I guess that's where the biggest issues I'm gonna have to get over if I'm going to be with her is one she has guy friends and I'm sure that's part of their age group,,, and I think she's overly nice to guys in general ,,, but I'm kind of old-school in that aspect but I'm not going lie it does bother me a lot,,, there has been several times that I just want to in the relationship because I don't think I can handle myself being jealous that's a stupid reason to end a relationship but it does eat at me ,,,
And I know it's kind a dysfunctional but I think about it would bother me to see my life with someone else but not to bad as long as he treated her good ,,,it would actually kill me to see her with someone else so that's kind of knowing that I really care for her and it's so hard for me to let her go as I have tried to mess things up before only to come crawling back,,, so this ones probably gonna kill me doesn't mean I don't deserve it 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlmostYoung

You know... for a cheater who is having a fling with a girl young enough to be his daughter, there is a bit of clarity in your posts.


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## Keepin-my-head-up

Brother I have been there with the younger woman.
I was hurting same as you and a sexy young thing (15 yrs younger) came into my life.

I always told myself that she acted very mature for her age.
She did though, but that is part of the growing process.

I also knew that she would want to have Girls nights out and such, which is what you are supposed to do at that age.
Even if she said she didn't want to at the time, eventually she would.
Nothing wrong with that when you are single and in your early twenties.
It would have been unfair to her if I said "No, we are both going to act like we are my age and act like a couple should in there mid to lat 30's!
I also knew that she would eventually get her first real job after college, meet a new circle of friends and begin to have more money to do things with them.

For the most part, people go through the same rights of passages roughly around the same ages.
Love driving in your teens,
Love drinking all night and proud to go to work with a hangover in your twenties, etc...

You know this tho and if BOTH of you can get thru that part thn it may just work out.

As for you good sir.
You have a child.
When your wife is hurting at home because of what is going on between the 2 of you, your son will feel it. Even if she says nothing he will feel it.

You think she plays with him the same or reads a bedtime story the same when she is wondering what you are doing?

That is 2 people hurting.
These 2 people are your family, you helped create and build that family to where it is.
So if it cannot be worked out, have that heart to heart talk with your wife, no more rides and outings between the 2 of you.
That is crazy. 
that isn't even fair to your current girlfriend if that is the route you choose.
How would you feel if she started going out with one of her ex?
Going on motorcycle rides and having dinner dates with just the 2 of them?

Maybe neither girl is the answer.
I know it sucks to be so in lust with one but Love the other.
So much of your story sounds like mine that old memories both good and bad flood my feeble mind.

For your wifes sake, end it for now and tell her you need some time.
When you say that you would be ok if she met a great guy, that is guilt. 
That way you wont feel so bad for doing what you are doing.
She most likely wont meet a great guy if she is waiting for you.
She may meet a guy who just wants some fun but a great guy wouldnt step up to a wife still pining for her husband who is with someone else.


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## gfl

well another update ...OW is gone and i decided to let her go after extreme agony and heartbreak its been 5 months now and i still hurt...but i know deep down its for the best...she was way too attractive and she knew it plus we just got so toxic in the relationship and when i finally called it quits she tried to beat me to death haha with her shoes...anyway the sad part is i still care for her but i know its just not meant to be ...and honestly while when we were good is was just amazing but if wished I would have never met her as I feel like I wasted over 2 years of my life …My wife is still wanting me back and has been amazing ….she truly has changed and will do anything to make it work …the problem I have and I have been trying desperately is just to get feelings back for her …I was so checked out for so long in the marriage that I wonder if I will ever be in love with her again and I soo soo want to ..I’ve been spending tons of time we’ve been intimate tons of times and she’s an amazingly a beautiful barby doll …but at the end of the day I don’t want to kiss her or feel any kind if intimacy other then some sexual attraction. If I felt a quarter of what I did for the OW I would be back in hear beat …me and the OW just had a very emotional and mental connection and I really miss her intelligence / humor… I almost just want to go back to my wife over pure guilt and because she is still my wife and she never gave up…she treats me like a king …I would never recommend to anyone doing what I did and going thru pure hell for so long …IF I’ve earned anything its get the divorce first if you are truly unhappy then get the GF ….that was part of my drama I never let the wife go…anyway back to my point is there any chance I will ever feel in love with my wife again? And I don’t mean like a new relationship or lovy dovey chemicals but just someone you want to kiss and hold hands and walk off in the sunset together? I feel like this OW has ruined me but again I fell out of love a long time ago probably 3-4 years before I met the OW …


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## WandaJ

I think emotionally you are out. You are still trying to do the "right" thing but your heart in not there. Most likely the change in her is too little, too late.


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## gfl

WandaJ said:


> I think emotionally you are out. You are still trying to do the "right" thing but your heart in not there. Most likely the change in her is too little, too late.


Thanks Wanda i think youre right...ive been going to a christian counselor for 5 months too and i really think its gonna take a miracle to change my heart :iagree: I wish i could just choose this to happen again ...


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## Hicks

I don't know what a christian counselor is.
A licensed pyschologist is what you need.
All of the things and feelings you have that you think you can't control, are actually things you are doing on purpose for a reason. That's why you need a psychologist.


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## Dedicated2Her

gfl- you have been your own worst enemy throughout this whole process. The only person who can change your heart is you, and that is done with action and purpose. You have solidly placed yourself in a very difficult situation by dabbling in another relationship with a younger woman. This has distracted your capabilities to focus on yourself in order to become whole. I can tell you that after what you have experienced in your marriage you are NOT whole. 

While I agree your wife did not do what she needed to do in your relationship, you also did not do what you needed to do. It is 50/50. You have to own up to your side of things. Your wife might have struggled with your relationship through your marriage, but now you have a woman that has stood for her marriage and waited for you to work through your issues. THAT is a good woman, regardless of the past. 

Step up. Work on you. No relationships for a few months. Be friends with your wife for a little while. Start confiding in her as a friend. Give it time. You might be very surprised at the result. The reason you don't love your wife is because of resentment. It isn't "falling" out of love. It is you holding bitterness and resentment towards her due to how she treated you in the marriage. But, more than likely, she also held resentment towards you because of how you were treating her in the marriage. Until you learn how to deal with bitterness and resentment in a positive light, you will face this situation again in a new relationship.

And don't try to say that "you wish or want this to happen again"....your actions prove otherwise.


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## WandaJ

I am in very similar situation. He is trying but my heart is not in this anymore, it seems. Not sure if this is reversible.


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## FalconKing

I think the reason why your wife is trying so hard is before the affair she knew you were a good man but maybe she felt smothered by you and your behavior didn't illicit attraction in her. Now that you have shown her that you don't need her, she doesn't mind the chase. If you had stood up to your wife and just probably been I bit more selfish(just more about you) earlier in your marriage I think you wouldn't had made these poor recent decisions. I guess want I am saying is I don't think the affair is what made your wife want you, I just think she no longer felt the pressure to validate you.


Given this recent turn of events though I honestly feel bad for her.


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## clipclop2

Wanda, while it's possible that he won't be able to get his feelings back he is not in a similar situation to you because you didn't complicate things by having the thrill of a new relationship to compare and contrast. once you feel that high it's very difficult to settle. 

because while the OP says that he doesn't want that chemical feeling he really does. he took a gap that was filled with resentment and multiplied it by the power of limerence. his wife can never overcome that. Even if the resentment were taking care of his new knowledge of limerence is something that she just can't provide him.

when he took the forbidden fruit he made it impossible for his wife to compete .

I think the best thing that could happen to his wife would be for her to stop waiting for him and for her to go out and find someone else. then let's see how he likes it when she's off with someone that provides her limerence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962

Here's the sad thing about your situation, and I do understand. I too am without intimacy in my marriage I think I would have been very tempted to get involved if someone was interested in me as well. However, as long as you are in an affair you will never be able to see your marriage clearly. You have become involved with someone else which has hormones going but those "in love" hormones will subside with her too, that is reality. The only way to give your marriage a chance is to give up the affair.


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## clipclop2

He gave up the OW.


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## WandaJ

clipclop2 said:


> Wanda, while it's possible that he won't be able to get his feelings back he is not in a similar situation to you because you didn't complicate things by having the thrill of a new relationship to compare and contrast. once you feel that high it's very difficult to settle.
> 
> because while the OP says that he doesn't want that chemical feeling he really does. he took a gap that was filled with resentment and multiplied it by the power of limerence. his wife can never overcome that. Even if the resentment were taking care of his new knowledge of limerence is something that she just can't provide him.
> 
> when he took the forbidden fruit he made it impossible for his wife to compete .
> 
> I think the best thing that could happen to his wife would be for her to stop waiting for him and for her to go out and find someone else. then let's see how he likes it when she's off with someone that provides her limerence.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think his wife lost her chance long time ago. That's why the OW even had a chance. 

And sometimes "going for a thrill" while not something admirable, may open your eyes to the hopelessness of your relationship, and admitting how dead is really is.


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## gfl

Hicks hes also a licensed psychologist and a Christian 
There is a lot of valuable insight on these posts and I really sincerely appreciate them all,,,I think there probably some truth to them all and I was defiantly obsessed with the other woman…no doubt ,,,but there was a reason I broke up with her and it took a lot for me to do that and I would agree that obsession I had and/or limerence is truly impossible to reproduce with anyone or expect to feel the same …I do need just more time to be healed from her even though I feel like I’ve just been ruined by the relationship because of the intensity and toxicity…I almost wonder if I could ever truly even remotely fall in love again…I have been soo heartbroken because of her even though I know there was too much resentment for both of us to continue plus she was truly young and I don’t care how high her IQ was she really has not had any let downs or life experiences and I was under constant judgment and entitlement from her …
Anyway yes the OW has indeed changed me , certainly in wife’s eyes I became extremely independent along with her world being turned upside down but I can truly say I have no resentment towards her and I truly do want to lover her again …my life would be sooo much easier and yes she is a great women for holding out and standing by me while I wanted a divorce …I should’ve gave her one like I stated earlier that would’ve been the right thing to do even though she fought me on it tooth and nail when I kept telling her I wanted one I should’ve did it,,,like Wanda said I left the marriage a long time ago and that’s why my AF even happened and I wished it would never Happened like that ,,,ever ,,,because everyone is scared because of it…Get a divorce first or try and work it out,,,then if it doesn’t get a divorce,,,or just be quite and stay married …that’s what ive learned,,,so iam gonna just spend more time working on me like Dedicated2 her recommends and keep going to counseling , be friends with her and just pray for a miracle for my heart to get feelings for her again ,,, I hope things work out for you Wanda I would be curious to know what you do


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## Mr Blunt

gfl

Stop with your teenage fantasy about being in love which in your case has been described by you as spark and chemistry and all those feeling that we all had when we were young.


You are not far from 50 years old and in addition you and your wife have damaged your marriage a lot. According to you she treated you like crap for 20+ years and then you left and lived with another woman for 2 years. You have too much damage to get back all the feelings you want without a real concentrated effort and even then you may not get it all back. Face the fact that you have to salvage what you can.


Either break it off completely with your wife so that she and you have a chance at healing to a degree or make up your mind that you are going to make the best of it with your wife. The days of great feelings with rockets going off in your emotions are over; the chemistry and spark is not the most important for your situation. I am sure that you have heard that love is a decision right? Will that is mostly what you have at this point. There are other elements of love that does not include so much of those feelings we had in our teens, 20s, and 30s. Are you also struggling with getting older and having to adjust to that?

Your wife treated you like crap, you left her and cheated on her so you booth have damaged the relationship but do you really think that at this age you are going to get all the fulfillment you expect from anyone? Any woman you get at your age is going to have baggage. It is hard enough to get a person with very little baggage in their 20s but almost impossible in their 30s or 40s and beyond. If you were in high school or college then that would be different

You can still have a good life you just have to use more of your free will, your Christian counseling, and then take actions according to the correct counselling that you get. Perhaps your free will and forgiveness of your wife and yourself can play an importnat role in you doing a lot better. *You can not just talk about it YOU have to DO IT!!*


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## WandaJ

gfl, you already sound unhappy and defeated. Do not make decision, think about it, maybe go for a weekend by yourself to think it through. 
If you stay, you should mean it, otherwise there will be two very unhappy people in this marriage. You will be back to squre one where you have started. But you should not stay out of pity for your wife, because she is trying so hard. 

if you go - In my opinion you will be happier man, but it is you who has to decide. She will get over it too, sonner or later, and maybe will be happier woman too. Maybe you will meet someone, maybe not, but that should not be relevant to your decision about staying/leaving. People find their match at different ages. Sure everybody has her/his own baggage, but also at this age we have different expectations, often more realistic, more mature.


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## clipclop2

Look, she didn't make him cheat. He chose the cheap and easy route. That's on him.

Shoot, there are a bunch of us here that haven't give in when offered.


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## clipclop2

Do you want to tell us something you haven't before Wanda? I get it. But if you haven't then please just divorce him. Don't become someone you have to lie to your next mate about.


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## 3Xnocharm

gfl said:


> well another update ...OW is gone and i decided to let her go after extreme agony and heartbreak its been 5 months now and i still hurt...but i know deep down its for the best...she was way too attractive and she knew it plus we just got so toxic in the relationship and when i finally called it quits she tried to beat me to death haha with her shoes...anyway the sad part is i still care for her but i know its just not meant to be ...and honestly while when we were good is was just amazing but if wished I would have never met her as I feel like I wasted over 2 years of my life …My wife is still wanting me back and has been amazing ….she truly has changed and will do anything to make it work …the problem I have and I have been trying desperately is just to get feelings back for her …I was so checked out for so long in the marriage that I wonder if I will ever be in love with her again and I soo soo want to ..*I’ve been spending tons of time we’ve been intimate tons of times and she’s an amazingly a beautiful barby doll …but at the end of the day I don’t want to kiss her or feel any kind if intimacy other then some sexual attraction. If I felt a quarter of what I did for the OW I would be back in hear beat *…me and the OW just had a very emotional and mental connection and I really miss her intelligence / humor… I almost just want to go back to my wife over pure guilt and because she is still my wife and she never gave up…she treats me like a king …I would never recommend to anyone doing what I did and going thru pure hell for so long …IF I’ve earned anything its get the divorce first if you are truly unhappy then get the GF ….that was part of my drama I never let the wife go…anyway back to my point is there any chance I will ever feel in love with my wife again? And I don’t mean like a new relationship or lovy dovey chemicals but just someone you want to kiss and hold hands and walk off in the sunset together? I feel like this OW has ruined me but again I fell out of love a long time ago probably 3-4 years before I met the OW …


You seriously need to stop fvcking with this woman's head and heart. You DONT WANT to be with her, and you KNOW this, so leave her the hell alone and let her get on with her life. What you have been doing is WRONG. Cut out contact with her unless its about divorce, and get on with your life.


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## kennethk

Agree. You left your wife a long time ago but didn't tell her.
Divorce her. Put her out of her misery.
But please let her know that it was you who destroyed the marriage and broke HER heart.


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