# Did he cheat? Help!



## Natasha33300 (Oct 11, 2017)

So 3 months ago my husband decided to take a bunch of steroids. It ****ed with him mentally. He changed. He started getting paranoid and rude. We have been together for 15 years. 2 weeks after he started the steroids (tren) he decided it would be ok to accept a phone number from a coworker. When he took it they agreed they were just friends and nothing more. He didn’t tell me he took her number when she offered. 2 weeks later I asked him who he was talking to. He never tried to hide it and told me he had a female friend. They were just friends he said. I asked him to stop talking to her and he did. They talked for about 3 weeks in total. The drugs messed with his mind and had him convinced I didn’t love him. I didn’t realize it was the drugs until he offered the info. I asked him to stop talking to her and stop the drugs. He did both right away. Since then I have been crazy. So confused as to weather this was just a friendship or an emotional affair. I know he did not physicallly cheat as he came home every single night while they were friends. So my question is is it possible they were just friends? He has never cheated in 15 years and we have a very healthy sexually relationship. He has told me multiple times that he would tell me if they were more than that and he never lies to me. He admits it was wrong but he says he never crossed a line and they were just friends. I have been going crazy for 3 months now over this and Ama till considering giving up 15 years over this. My doctor has diagnosed me with anziety. He says I may be overthinking this due to the anxiety. Help! He has not contacted this girl since I asked him to stop and even switched jobs to make me more comfortable. He took me to Mexico, spends all his time with me and even got a righ tattoo cause his band won’t fit anymore. He is really trying but I can’t help but keep wondering if it is considered an emotional affair or if guys can be just friends with attractive women. I know he wouldn’t have done it without the steroids but it still happened. Of course I don’t have the texts to read as he has always deleted all of his messages cause he likes to keep his phone clean. He never hid the phone or ever changed any of his passwords. I know them all. Also, he says I can talk to her if I want and he wants me to still go to his Christmas Party where she will be this weekend. Would you guys leave the marriage or believe it was a friendship? Help! I still can’t figure out if this is my anxiety or not. Did he cheat?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I mean, you definitely have anxiety.

The other thing I really can't say.

But: what the hell happened between your last post just a while ago and now that caused you to post this new thread?


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## Natasha33300 (Oct 11, 2017)

Nothing happened. Nothing at all. He has done everything to prove to me that he was just her friend and I can’t let it go. I just sit here and think about it all day long. Have been doing this for 3 months. I am going crazy and not sure if I am doing this to myself or if I should be this concerned. Never felt this horrible before ever. 😬


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

What could he say or do that could assuage your fears?


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## Natasha33300 (Oct 11, 2017)

I have no idea. He has done everything and I still feel this way. One day I am ok then the next I am back here again. Messed up thing is I know he knows better than to do it again. Just can’t shake it off. Maybe it is just anziety. Poor guy has been yelled at everyday for 3 months and still hasn’t left me. If he didn’t do anything wrong I am ruining his life for no reason. I think I just need someone to tell me I am overreacting. Maybe he can’t help me. Maybe I need someone neutral to tell me this isnt that big of a deal? Would you be ok with this if your wife did it?


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## why_amihere (Sep 26, 2017)

My opinion is that unless you two had an agreement to not have opposite sex friends that aren't mutual friends then it is probably innocent. He didnt try to hide it from you and he stopped talking to her when you asked. Also the fact that he doesnt hold tight to his phone and you know his passwords etc....that everything will be ok. I would just keep your eyes open and above all keep communication open with him. You really have no evidence of any wrongdoing at this point.


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

He stopped talking to her and he wants you to go to the Christmas party. Leave this right alone and stay with him or keep obsessing and drive him away. What's your pleasure?


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

I wasn't aware that steroids make a guy lie to his wife about exchanging numbers with a female friend and having ongoing conversations.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Natasha33300 said:


> I have no idea. He has done everything and I still feel this way. One day I am ok then the next I am back here again. Messed up thing is I know he knows better than to do it again. Just can’t shake it off. Maybe it is just anziety. Poor guy has been yelled at everyday for 3 months and still hasn’t left me. If he didn’t do anything wrong I am ruining his life for no reason. I think I just need someone to tell me I am overreacting. Maybe he can’t help me. Maybe I need someone neutral to tell me this isnt that big of a deal? Would you be ok with this if your wife did it?


It’s like I told you on your last thread,the steroid which he was using,tren,is notorious as a testosterone killer.You insist he was having sex with you every day and frankly I’m amazed.If he was taking testosterone supplements as you say then that would have helped but I honestly don’t think you have anything to worry about as regards to infidelity.
Your husband being a damn idiot in regards to both his physical and emotional health is another subject matter,tren is not called divorce in a bottle for nothing.
By the way he needs to have his cholesterol levels checked.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Are you going to IC? Might be a food idea to unleash onto a counselor than on your husband. You have to decide once and for all that your husband did not cheat and put a plan in place not to keep questioning him. You can write a journal instead or text a friend of you feel you need to nag him about this friendship. 

Did you experience infidelity close in your family or have an insecurity that causes you to question your husband’s faithfulness?

Also by continuously nagging him you might just create a self-fulfilling prophesy?


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I'm confused. He talked to another woman a few times on the phone and you think he's cheating? That seems paranoid. 

It's not uncommon for men and women to be friends. I have a large number of women friends and my wife has a large number of men friends. Neither of us worries about the other cheating. I can't imagine how annoying it would be if we had to restrict ourselves to same-sex friendships.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I don’t really think that your H is as infidelity-ridden near as much as he is stupid for willfully ingesting those damned steroids that he’s on!*


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

FalCod said:


> I'm confused. He talked to another woman a few times on the phone and you think he's cheating? That seems paranoid.
> 
> It's not uncommon for men and women to be friends. I have a large number of women friends and my wife has a large number of men friends. Neither of us worries about the other cheating. I can't imagine how annoying it would be if we had to restrict ourselves to same-sex friendships.


That works for some people and apparently it works for you. Great! For me I do in fact restrict myself so that I only have male friends. By friend I mean someone I talk with socially on the phone or in person one on one. Group settings are a different story. I do this because I think that's what's appropriate and it means the thought never crosses my wife's mind that something might be going on.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Natasha33300 said:


> The drugs messed with his mind and had him convinced I didn’t love him.


That part I doubt. As for the rest I'm not sure if you are overrating or not. It's hard to tell. I let stuff like this go by with my ex wife for years and then it turns out she was in fact cheating and not just emotionally . When I got suspicious she started getting creative. She had two phones. She would go on errands and meet up with the OM. etc. 

In your case it may be nothing, but stay vigilant. Maybe do a little snooping instead of confronting him directly. If you find nothing it may at least set your mind at ease.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Rhubarb said:


> That works for some people and apparently it works for you. Great! For me I do in fact restrict myself so that I only have male friends. By friend I mean someone I talk with socially on the phone or in person one on one. Group settings are a different story. I do this because I think that's what's appropriate and it means the thought never crosses my wife's mind that something might be going on.


I guess I can understand the sentiment, but I can't see how it would work in my social/work circles. I've worked for, worked with, and supervised many women in my time. That necessitates frequent one-on-one meetings, e-mails, text messages, phone calls, etc. I struggle to see how I could make something like work with the level of trust shown by the OP. 

To be fair, I show my wife the same level of trust. Her primary hobby is being a manager at a maker space, a place that serves a predominantly male clientele. My assumption is that she's often there alone with other men. It never even occurred to me that people could see that as a problem. I certainly don't.

I guess we're all different. It seems that, unless the OP had a rule in place with his wife on the topic, he's overreacting.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

FalCod said:


> I guess I can understand the sentiment, but I can't see how it would work in my social/work circles. I've worked for, worked with, and supervised many women in my time. That necessitates frequent one-on-one meetings, e-mails, text messages, phone calls, etc. I struggle to see how I could make something like work with the level of trust shown by the OP.


Work is a different story. Note I intentionally said "I talk with *socially*". Work is not optional. However once you are on your own time, there is no reason you have to meet a woman at a cafe to shoot the sh*t. You don't have to call and ask about her weekend or stuff like that either. If you want to and your wife has not problem with it, fine. I'm not judging. I've just heard so many stories of how people started off as friends and then ended up having affairs. It happened with my ex. And even if I feel that it won't happen with me, my wife can't read my mind and I don't want her to start having doubts.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Well, steroids are powerful things, and if he was taking these without medical advice....not good. But...why was he taking them? Trying to get buff quickly? If so, perhaps he was already looking around and him being "convinced you don't love him" was a deflection.

The bottom line to me, based on what you have written, is that he has been a good and faithful husband for 15 years. He did something very,very stupid in taking the steroids (though I maintain you need to understand why he did it), he looked for attention from another woman, and he has been remorseful. It sounds like an aberration. BUT, having said that, it does seem to me like you have a lot of excuses for him. What does HE say about it? Stop doing his thinking and explaining for him. Ask questions and look for real answers, then evaluate whether they match his behavior or not.

If you continue to let your anxiety rule you, then eventually he will tire of it. You have to make a decision to trust or not to trust. If you trust and find out later he broke that trust, then you can walk away with a clear conscience. If you do not trust, then you need to walk away now. It's pretty black and white, though I am sure it does not feel that way to you.


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## GoingCrazy01 (Jan 9, 2018)

NickyT said:


> Well, steroids are powerful things, and if he was taking these without medical advice....not good. But...why was he taking them? Trying to get buff quickly? If so, perhaps he was already looking around and him being "convinced you don't love him" was a deflection.
> 
> The bottom line to me, based on what you have written, is that he has been a good and faithful husband for 15 years. He did something very,very stupid in taking the steroids (though I maintain you need to understand why he did it), he looked for attention from another woman, and he has been remorseful. It sounds like an aberration. BUT, having said that, it does seem to me like you have a lot of excuses for him. What does HE say about it? Stop doing his thinking and explaining for him. Ask questions and look for real answers, then evaluate whether they match his behavior or not.
> 
> If you continue to let your anxiety rule you, then eventually he will tire of it. You have to make a decision to trust or not to trust. If you trust and find out later he broke that trust, then you can walk away with a clear conscience. If you do not trust, then you need to walk away now. It's pretty black and white, though I am sure it does not feel that way to you.


Thanks for your response. He is still trying very hard to fix this. He is paying no attention to this other woman. I am hoping this is all going to be ok. Just wish I could move on but still not there yet!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

GoingCrazy01 said:


> Thanks for your response. He is still trying very hard to fix this. He is paying no attention to this other woman. I am hoping this is all going to be ok. Just wish I could move on but still not there yet!


OOOps, you posted under the wrong screen name.

This is the guy who conveniently deletes all his text messages, never told you about his new 'friend,' and wants YOU to believe you're paranoid and panicking for nothing.

Uh huh.

Have you run DrFone or one of the other software programs that un-delete texts on his phone - just to see these oh so innocent texts? Bet you'll find some stuff you probably won't like.


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