# Weight gain grounds for divorce?



## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So I have posted a couple of threads lately and I have mentioned that in the last year I have gained a lot of weight and my H recently told me that left him unattracted to me. Even though he has been supportive over the last year saying he loved my curves. Now I do understand that men are more visual and I understand his feelings. But not to talk to me about it, married me when I was heavier than when we meet. Now separate and tell me that one of the things bothering him was my weight gain. Now I admit it may have been a hard conversation to have but if you truly are having an issue is it not the in best interest of the marriage to talk about it and solve the issue? Or is that too logical? So much has happened in the last year, (2 hour commute everyday, sit at my job, by the time I get home only 3 hours left I have to go to bed to get up for the next day, starting a new business etc, he doesn't excercise) I feel very angry right now and feel that I am losing my marriage because of my weight and not being given a chance to get myself back on track. There I have vented!!!!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How much weight are we talking about here, and what have you done to try and lose it?

I don't think a spouse should just sit back and say or do nothing if the other one gains a bunch of weight and does nothing about it. It needs to be discussed. To just up and divorce someone out of the blue and use their weight gain as an excuse sounds kinda fishy. On the other hand, if you've gained 200 lbs and do nothing but sit on the couch eating bonbons, and he's expressed his displeasure and talked with you about it and you refuse to change your lifestyle, that's another story.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I have gained about 80 pounds and he eats a lot less healthier than I do. He has not tried once to talk to me about it. I admit I do watch tv a lot when I get home. I started at the end of December trying to fit more activity in my lifestyle. Try to get up and walk at work more, take the stairs, start using the elliptical while watching tv instead of sitting, when the weather is nice going for a walk. It is has been hard to find the motivation since I am so tired when I get home but I have been forcing myself to get moving and do something about my health, I have been feeling better lately. But the thing that bugged me the most was he told about not being attracted to me for awhile after he decided to separate from me. It was like a kick in the teeth.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So he left you and THEN told you he's not attracted to you?? Why did you separate? Is he cheating on you?

I know how hard it is to find motivation. It sounds like you've been making positive changes, though. Did you make these changes before or after he left you?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I started making them before, but he did not notice because the weight was not coming off quickly. Read my thread one week into separation which help explain some of my situation. The day after he left we were talking on the phone calmly, he starting crying saying he missed me and that he loved me. He let me go because he could not stop crying. Then he phones back 10 minutes later because he has to tell me something. I tell him that if it is negative I did not really want to hear it as I had enough. He said it was both positive and negative. Then he proceeds to tell me why we have not had that much sex in the last year and it was because of my weight gain. Then he tells me if I lost a lot of weight he might come back. I told him not to put pressure like that on me, if I am going to lose the weight and keep it off, it will be because of me and not anyone else. I am doing this for my health not to make myself more attractive to him at this point. Still angry about that. I just wish he had the nerve to talk to me sooner than later. it may not have come to this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband is an ass. The sooner you realize that and start to do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy, the better. If he had a problem with your weight, he should have talked to you about it instead of saying things were all great. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I totally agree with PBear. Your husband is an ass. He's using your weight as a cowards way of splitting up with you. It's like he thought about it after he left and decided it sounded like a good excuse.

Is he cheating on you?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thjor said:


> I told him not to put pressure like that on me, if I am going to lose the weight and keep it off, it will be because of me and not anyone else. I am doing this for my health not to make myself more attractive to him at this point. Still angry about that. I just wish he had the nerve to talk to me sooner than later. it may not have come to this.


Yes it has to be for you and not for anyone else. Really the stress of this situation makes it that much more difficult. High stress makes losing weight more difficult. Fortunately regular cardio helps with the stress as well.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I have had several people ask me that question. Honestly no I do not feel he is cheating. I have seen nothing to give me any indication that there is. No emails, I had full access to his phone at anytime and there were no weird texts. He currently is staying in a hotel, which I helped get at good rate because I work in the hotel industry. I asked some people at the hotel to let me know if there is anything funky going on and nothing so far. My H is very dramatic and sometimes I would really like to smack up upside of the head and tell him to grow up. Marriage vows were for better or worse.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The reason I ask is because that's often the case when a spouse just up and leaves for no good reason.

Have you heard of the 180? If not google it in conjunction with The Healing Heart.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I have just heard of it recently. I also ordered Divorce busting which i hear is similiar. I have been doing most of the 180 since he left and it has helped me. Hopefully my book will come in this week.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Thjor, do us all a favor and keep your story under one thread. It makes it so much easier


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Thjor said:


> I admit I do watch tv a lot when I get home.


I lost a lot of weight years ago, and you can watch TV all you like. In fact you have to, coz fitness is boring.

I bought a comfortable exercise bike and had it permanently next to the television.

Every second day I would cycle for half an hour while watching telly. 

You have half your dinner 40 minutes before exercising, and eat the other half about 5 minutes after you're done.

This is because you don't want to exercise too hungry (muscle loss) and you must eat soon after exercising (not snacks, good food) to ensure you don't crave something soon after.

I lost about 3 stone in six months, and this is taking into account that on other days I was also weight training and making gains in strength, so the loss was fat and not muscle.

Once I had arrived at the weight I wanted, then 15 mins every other day kept it there.

All while watching telly.

Hope this helps - keep the bike in view, don't ever store it out of sight. Make the 'reward' link between Telly and Bike, and:

don't overdo it to try and get quicker results. You will only get ill. That is a fact, and it applies to everyone with at least one X chromosome.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Thjor,

I feel for you. Eighty pounds is a lot. The change to your appearance must bother you, too. 

Losing weight is more difficult for women than men. Can you move closer to work so that you can have more time to exercise?

Cut out the carbs. If you can eliminate TV from you life that could have a dramatic effect.

Your husband was dishonest about the effect that your weight had on his attraction to you. That was bad. As you note shedding the excess stored calories should be for you and it will be. You are young and do not need the increased risk of diabetes and other related conditions.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Cut out the carbs.


Wait: 

Cut _down a little on _the starch carbs - grains (possibly), cut _out _the _sugar-carbs _because the body struggles to convert fat and protein into the glucose necessary for muscles to exercise.

No starchy carbs = damage to kidneys from the acidic by-products of turning protein into glucose.

People on the atkins/no-carbs diets suffer tremendous fatigue, and the weight they lose can be more water than fat.

I lost weight while eating more, not less, but I cut down on fatty foods and sugar, not carbs from starches. They went up...

Yes, cutting down on sugar will massively help, I mean in fact, that just omitting sugary drinks I have seen two people lose their bellies from not drinking coke. Abandoning sweet foods altogether would be guaranteed results, realistically, abandoning sweet _drinks _is more achieveable and helpful.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Call me shallow but, Yes.

Especially when we're talking the tune of 80 lbs.

Sorry just giving my opinion.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Thanks for the support Lenzi. I would least expect a chance to improve the situation before throwing away a marriage.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Thjor said:


> Thanks for the support Lenzi. I would least expect a chance to improve the situation before throwing away a marriage.


Oh he's a total coward for not being upfront with you about it and cutting and running, no doubt about it. 

That's on him.

Don't lose the weight to win him back. Do it for yourself and then watch him squirm when you think about whether you'll take him back or go out with one of those many other guys who are oogling you.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your weight or weight gain is not the reason your facing a divorce. He said it to hurt you and he accomplished his goal. If this really bothered him, he had plenty of opportunity to discuss it with you. Its just and excuse, he wants out of the marriage and wants to justify his actions. 

It may be a piece of the overall problems the marriage but its just that, a piece. The two of you have other issues and he doesn’t want to address them so he falls back to cheap shots and hurtful comments to keep you in the position that you are in, longing for his return because its your fault. 

Most likely you don’t even know that the true issue yet. Don’t focus on your weight gain as the fault of the marriage because it isn’t. You keep listening to what he says right now as gospel. He is manipulating you. I glanced at some of your other posts and everything he is saying, your selfish etc. He is perfect, you aren’t. Quit talking to him for now, when he wants to discuss the issues in the marriage then tell him you will listen. Don’t leave the house if he wants to use the computer and see the dogs, quit letting him dictate


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Join a gym with a hard group workout. No pain, no gain. 

About the diet, what Sandfly said is right. Cut out sugar. Eat in moderation. If you work out hard everyday you will a better chance of gaining control of your eating habits.

If you do join a gym, you will get positive feedback if you regain your health.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Join a gym with a hard group workout. No pain, no gain.
> 
> About the diet, what Sandfly said is right. Cut out sugar. Eat in moderation. If you work out hard everyday you will a better chance of gaining control of your eating habits.
> 
> If you do join a gym, you will get positive feedback if you regain your health.


Plus it's a damn good way to handle your stress, meet people and stay focused.

Good luck!


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Thank you everyone for the advice. I am working out right now at home. I have an ellipitcal trainer. Sometimes It is almost like he is having a mid life crisis. I really don't know. I haven't spoke to him since Tuesday and i always let him make contact. I don't phone or text or email him. I always try to stay calm and not cry. In fact the last time we talked he was the one crying.


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