# Great Forum, could really use a wall to bounce thoughts off of :)



## Great Crouton (May 12, 2011)

Ok....where do I begin.

I'm 36 yrs old. I have been in my current relationship for almost 7 yrs. This is my issue:

I've been on the fence for some time about wether or not I want to have kids. I've never really pictured a future with them, I never really worried about having them to be honest. She has never wanted them. To be perfectly honest, I knew she didn't for likely the last couple of years but there were at times indications that it may not be 100% so I guess I was under the "faint hope" clause. Last summer we concluded her birth control pill was wreaking havoc on her body. Terrible migraines, terrible stomach cramps and it was killing her sex drive so I suggested we see a doctor to explore other options. I was hoping she would go the copper IUD route as it was non hormonal and non permanent. After 6 months of being off the pill and using condoms, we finally got an appt with a OBGYN to talk about, or what i thougth, all options. She was under the impression the only reason we were going was to make an appt was to have her tubes tied. This was quite upsetting to me as I couldn't understand why she needed such a permanent solution. People change their minds, why would anyone want that? This got us into what was likely the biggest fight of our relationship. I hate fighting so much.

So.....after I realized that a tubal was the only thing she was going to accpet, I said fine, we will make the appt. I honestly 100% believed that I was ok and made the final desicion that I didn't want kids. And I was fine, right up until the night before she went in for the procedure. Then all kinds of panic started to set in, even more so when she got back from her appt. It was done, ther was no turning back. This is 100% my fault, I fully admit that. For the first time, I realized I had to decide if I really wanted kids. If I do, I have to leave a 7 yr relationship and seriously hurt her and me. Not having them could possibly result in a life time of regret. Possibly, I don't know, I don't have a crystal ball.

The other part of the equation is this......I love the girl, there is no doubt, but man does she have a temper sometimes. When things are good, I'm the happiest I've been in my life but her temper is a real issue for me some times. We just got back from a trip to Australia that saw her get upset with members of my family a few times which was kind of embarrasing for me. I think it may have even dimmed some views of her in my family. She is not violent towards me or anything like that. 90% if the time she is one of the most loving people I have met, it's just that 10% that i have a real hard time with.

So..that leaves me two choices. Tell myself I don't want kids and marry this girl. Possibly run the risk of her temper resulting in us getting divorced years down the road and I'll have nothing.

Other choice is to leave this otherwise good relationship to try to chase something I'm not even 100% sure I want. the thought of getting back into the dating scence scares the s**t ot of me.

To top things off, I quit smoking 6 months ago. the past 6 months have been the most stressful of my otherwise laidback life. Between big problems at work, water pouring through my ceilig from a recently renovated bathroom, fights with my g/f over a tubal all I want to do is have a smoke!! ARgh!!!


Opinions/feedback would be greatly appreciated.

And just as a pre-emptive strike. I know 100% that I should have been aware of how strongly she didn't want kids. I guess I did the stupidest thing imaginable and hoped she may change her mind.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Sounds like a deal breaker to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

if you really want to have children and she doesn't.. then a marriage isn't going to work. You knew that before even posting. I understand you love her, but you both have needs and wants for your future, if they dont match or at least compromise, then its not going to work.

You haven't told her you now think you want kids? You really need to sit down and talk to her. Tell her you think you might actually want kids. Adoption is always a consideration if she decides she wants them too. How old is she? Personally I think she jumped the gun on tying her tubes.. the only way I can see anyone doing that is if they NEVER want kids in their future.. which leads me to believe a marriage between you two wouldnt work.

I have 2 kids myself, after having my second my doctor asked me if i wanted to tie my tubes.. i said no.. because I don't know if somewhere down the line I might want another. They are a great blessing and joys in my life.


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## Great Crouton (May 12, 2011)

But that's just the kicker, I don't know 100% that I do in fact want kids. I have a choice to make, marry her and face the fact I can't have kids or leave her and persue something I'm not even 100% postive I want, that's the heart of my dilema here.

Yes, I did tell her what's going on in my head. She is fully aware of this. This is actually very impressive to me. After having a couple pretty big fights about this I figured if I told her she would either say OK, lets figure this out or walk out the door. She stayed, she said "why would I leave now? We've been at this for 7 yrs I'm not just going to walk away from it". That being said, it did start the clock ticking I'm sure and I need to make a choice. I have a very small window to decide what the rest of my life is going to look like. How does someone make a desicion like that?

Adoption isn't really an option for me. If I'm going to have kids, I want them to be mine.

She is 33.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Isn't an open door (to having children) better than a closed door? She's closed the door. Never is a long time. The decision you are making is not about deciding the rest of your life. That only happens if you stay. If you go, you still have choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Great Crouton (May 12, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Isn't an open door (to having children) better than a closed door? She's closed the door. Never is a long time. The decision you are making is not about deciding the rest of your life. That only happens if you stay. If you go, you still have choice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


An open door would be preferable, yes, but that's really assuming I walk through it. If I knew 100% for sure what I wanted, I wouldn't be in this confilct. It's the fact that I don't know that's creating the problem. If I knew for sure one way or the other, the choice would be made for me.

Basically if I leave this relationship, I have to have kids otherwise what was the point in leaving?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

That's some crazy thinking. Circular. How do you know if you'd look back with regret if you didn't have children? It is guaranteed you will if you stay and decide you want children.

I get the feeling that if it weren't for her, you'd be a lot more certain you want children, esp. The way you insist on your own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Great Crouton (May 12, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> That's some crazy thinking. Circular. How do you know if you'd look back with regret if you didn't have children? _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well that's just it, I don't. I have no idea how I will feel in 5, 10, 15 yrs. Circurlar thinking is exaclty why I'm here. Either choice I make has it's own risks and it's driving me crazy.

If I'm picking up what your laying down, you're of the opinion I should walk?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Unfortunately, yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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