# Rejected a 3rd time... can I say hurt is much harder than angry?



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

my WH is so thick in the fog... I tried to get through but it was like talking to someone without a clue. 

I asked the question 'what do you really have to lose by trying MC for a couple months?' - he couldn't answer. You'd think that when deciding 3x not to reconcile or even try, he'd have thought about THAT question.... 

I feel so sad, and so rejected and so sick of everyone I love leaving me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lisa - the answer he didn't want to say is "I'd loose my affair." Because he knows that is the 1 thing he cannot have if your marriage was saved.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Lisa - the answer he didn't want to say is "I'd loose my affair." Because he knows that is the 1 thing he cannot have if your marriage was saved.


That answer is so f--ing selfish... after 23 years of marriage and 3 children, some skank is more important... God that is painful.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> That answer is so f--ing selfish... after 23 years of marriage and 3 children, some skank is more important... God that is painful.


Yeah it is. What he is doing is completely and totally selfish. Part of the fog seems to be designed to shield the cheater from realizing just how selfish they are. And it sucks.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> my WH is so thick in the fog... I tried to get through but it was like talking to someone without a clue.
> 
> I asked the question 'what do you really have to lose by trying MC for a couple months?' - he couldn't answer. You'd think that when deciding 3x not to reconcile or even try, he'd have thought about THAT question....
> 
> I feel so sad, and so rejected and so sick of everyone I love leaving me.


sorry for what you are going thru, struggling myself

, you said that you are "so sick of everyone you love leaving you'.
You havent left yourself and loving yourself comes 1st, this is something that i am trying to learn too...thank god for this forum
.I honselty belive that i would have lost my mind if i hadnt of found it...also trying to do what others here advise is a struggle as well, i'm trying to heed thier advice...1 day at a time i guess.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lisa, I also don't think it's the skank as a person who is more important. I think he is selfish there too - he is just using her to satisfy his selfish wants too.

I think that's why affairs end up flat so often - they aren't born out of love and mutual giving - they are born out of selfishness.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> sorry for what you are going thru, struggling myself
> 
> , you said that you are "so sick of everyone you love leaving you'.
> You havent left yourself and loving yourself comes 1st, this is something that i am trying to learn too...thank god for this forum
> .I honselty belive that i would have lost my mind if i hadnt of found it...also trying to do what others here advise is a struggle as well, i'm trying to heed thier advice...1 day at a time i guess.


I am an adopted child, and my birth mother rejected me 2x (as an infant and then again later after a reunion)... my adopted mother wouldn't know how to be supportive if it hit her in the head. The day I told my WH to get out, I was literally hysterical. She told me I was a good wife and mother and that he was an idiot, but then she had to add... but you haven't been a good daughter.. REALLY? Why not just run over me with the car?

I feel truly alone in the world, I really really do.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I am an adopted child, and my birth mother rejected me 2x (as an infant and then again later after a reunion)... my adopted mother wouldn't know how to be supportive if it hit her in the head. The day I told my WH to get out, I was literally hysterical. She told me I was a good wife and mother and that he was an idiot, but then she had to add... but you haven't been a good daughter.. REALLY? Why not just run over me with the car?
> 
> I feel truly alone in the world, I really really do.


alone.. yes, but not really, here we all are...going to I/c for me has been the biggest help.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

In the bible it says to offer 3x. If, after that, the person does not want to accept, brush them off and move on. That is what I would suggest to you. 180 real hard, to continue to interact with them only slows you down in your personal healing. I know it is hard, I still struggle with it daily (120 days after DDay) but turely the best is to worry about yourself and your children, dont let the WS interfere. The opposite of love is indifference. Let them feel that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> *I asked the question 'what do you really have to lose by trying MC for a couple months?' - he couldn't answer. *You'd think that when deciding 3x not to reconcile or even try, he'd have thought about THAT question....


Please stop doing this. 

It is not conducive to your healing, nor does it help you move on from this. 

Your husband is full aware you are willing to reconcile. He knows what all his options are. He knows he can come home at any time he likes, after betraying you and moving in with OW down the street from you. He knows all of this. Knows there have been no consequences for his actions.

He knows!

So flip the script on him. Remove yourself as an option. Completely. Let him know that you aren't going to be his Plan B, C, or D. Let him know you know you deserve better and are worthy of more than someone walking out on his family to go straight to moving into with another woman. 

Do not let him see you as a broken woman pining away over him while he's run you ragged. NO NO NO. That ship has sailed. You don't need this BS. 

No way, no how, uh uh. 

Value you yourself. Respect yourself, Lisa. 

You deserve better and you know it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just stop doing these things.

If it happens, it will need to come from his side.

I know "what ifs" and patience sucks, but....stop doing this to yourself. HE is in this fog. Only HE can get out of it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Please stop doing this.
> 
> It is not conducive to your healing, nor does it help you move on from this.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I asked the question 'what do you really have to lose by trying MC for a couple months?' - he couldn't answer.



You have to stop doing this Lisa.

Because of this he knows you`re right now sitting at home just waiting for him.

Because of this he knows he can enjoy his affair and come running back to you when it`s over.

Because of this he has little respect for you.

You have to go dark and stay dark, if it doesn`t have to do with the kids then you don`t interact with him.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

You are right... I am done. 

And no it won't be that pretty for him -- for some reason he thinks I should be more cooperative and amicable about this... REALLY??


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> You have to stop doing this Lisa.
> 
> Because of this he knows you`re right now sitting at home just waiting for him.
> 
> ...


I won't anymore... I thought for myself to feel ok with going through with the divorce, I needed to know that "I" tried best that I could... I am done now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't make it about revenge. Who cares what he thinks? He made his choice, now make yours to move on and be the best Lisa you can be.

It will get better the more you start focusing on yourself and what you need to heal and get through this.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> You are right... I am done.
> 
> And no it won't be that pretty for him -- for some reason he thinks I should be more cooperative and amicable about this... REALLY??



I think he`s right.

I think you should be extremely cooperative in getting him out of your life ASAP.

Do anything and everything you can to expedite the beginning of his new life with the ****monster.

Help him along, be polite and cordial, show disinterest.

Get him gone and get on with your life Lisa.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I won't anymore... I thought for myself to feel ok with going through with the divorce, I* needed to know that "I" tried best that I could*... I am done now.


And there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's very admirable.

Just know that it takes a joint effort. One person cannot do it alone.

He knows where you stand. And he has not been receptive. So don't put yourself out there to get hurt again by him. 

Be polite towards him but do not involves youir emotions. I know, harder said than done. But you can and will do it. 

Keep your head high and don't let him get to ya. In the end, he comes out looking like the d*uchebag!


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

It isn't so much about revenge in that I simply don't trust him anymore, and I feel I need to proceed cautiously as regards me and the children. He has done some pretty irresponsible things as regards to them since he has been wetting his winky elsewhere.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Lisa:

In a previous post on a different thread you blamed yourself becauce you were an independent woman and he felt that you did not need him. I thought you were wrong but let it slide.

He manipulates you and pushes the buttons he knows can get you going and questioning yourself.

You are who you are and he knows you well and he uses your emotions, feelings against you to break you down. He knows your adoptive mother pushed you away as well as your birth mother and he does these things to manipulate you now trying to spread self-doubt into your actions.

From your posts you are a successful woman and a good mother all I can say is stand tall and you are the person who needs to protect your children and you cannot do that if you doubt yourself.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Lisa:
> 
> In a previous post on a different thread you blamed yourself becauce you were an independent woman and he felt that you did not need him. I thought you were wrong but let it slide.
> 
> ...



But why? He left me, what is the point of continuing to HURT me? I filed, I am giving him what he wants, so why HURT me on purpose?? I certainly didn't hurt him on purpose, EVER


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Because he is immature, Lisa.

Don't let it get to you.

"He who angers you controls you."


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

He manufactured a reason in his mind that he feels justifies him hurting you and doing what he did. Anything can be rationalized given enough thought. Lawyers do it all of the time in court.

Since he can't fully accept the fault and guilt from his decision, he needed to push the blame on someone else - you. It's pure crap and you know it. When something is crap, it does not deserve any attention. You didn't give him what he or you wants. But it will probably be what you "need" so that you can move on.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Because he is immature, Lisa.
> 
> Don't let it get to you.
> 
> "He who angers you controls you."


I am so lonely and I am so hurt.... angry was so much easier.... and he left me with 100% of the responsibility.... OMG I wouldn't do this to my worst enemy and just don't understand how he could do it to me after EVERYTHING we have been through


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hertoo said:


> since he can't fully accept the fault and guilt from his decision, he needed to push the blame on someone else - you. It's pure crap and you know it. When something is crap, it does not deserve any attention. You didn't give him what he or you wants.


bingo


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## UnwarrantedParanoia (Sep 1, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I am so lonely and I am so hurt.... angry was so much easier.... and he left me with 100% of the responsibility.... OMG I wouldn't do this to my worst enemy and just don't understand how he could do it to me after EVERYTHING we have been through


And yet you want him back???? He is a POS, Lisa. You're better off without him. Good riddance Lisa, good riddance.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Why hurt you? Because he can and he knows it. 

You have taken a stand and filed for divorce, ergo you hurt him. His ego is hurt he thought you would be this door mat that he could have an affair and use your money for his life and he could go merrily on. You changed that when you stood up for yourself and your girls.

Now what does he have, you are no longer the financial supporting wife you were, he is no longer in your home, he is living with another person who the fog is probably now lifting from her eyes, he is hurt and he sees you as a target and he knows he can manipulate you with pain if you allow it.

Lisa, move forward. Get involved with the Community, Church, daughters schools etc.. It is tough but you cannot let him know that he is bothering you because he is a "Bully" and will continue.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Why hurt you? Because he can and he knows it.
> 
> You have taken a stand and filed for divorce, ergo you hurt him. His ego is hurt he thought you would be this door mat that he could have an affair and use your money for his life and he could go merrily on. You changed that when you stood up for yourself and your girls.
> 
> ...


He is a bully, and I still cannot believe he thought I was just going to be all peaches and cream about dividing assets etc.


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