# Less than 2 years in and big problems, please help



## headphones (Jun 25, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years now. I am 30 and she is 29.
We have been with each other for ~14 years prior to this with a 2 year breakup in 2007 (where I saw other women, but she wasnt with other men).
Since being married we have found that there are major incompatibilities between us. She is the sort of person who would come home after work and sit and watch TV the whole night. Given the chance on the weekend she would either spend it at home watching TV or spend it with family (family gatherings/parties at her parents house, etc). During all these activities she would want to do them with me (eg. watch TV together, go visit my parents or her parents together).
Of course, she is also open to being with friends, vacations, impromptu outings, camping etc…
Generally she is a very easy going person and most people who meet her like her. The down side is she has no hobbies, interests, anything. Sure, she tried a few things out here and there, but recently (ie. the last 15 years) the one thing she did for the longest was Pilates classes and that was mainly when we were broken up, I guess as a time filler. This only lasted perhaps a year.
In short, she can become boring.

On the other hand. I am the sort of person who loves to keep myself busy and ‘do things’. For the past 5 years I’ve had 2 jobs. I am an engineer and also I teach engineering (part time). Only recently did I give up teaching only because I am now going back to university and needed the additional time. I am not possessed with work (I leave work on time, I don’t work back late, I never bring work home).
I have many, many hobbies. I go to gym to keep fit but also I surf and do wakeboarding (depending on the season). I also have a garage (man cave) where I am continually working on projects to further my knowledge. Projects include electronics work (PLCs, design and build circuitry, machines, robots etc..).
I ride motorbikes (but since sold it because my wife doesn’t like how dangerous they are. Fair enough) and own a boat. I buy motorbikes/boats that are in need of repair and do all mechanical work on it myself (eg. complete engine and gearbox rebuilds, etc). This is a great learning experience for me and I love the feeling of fixing things 
I also got my scuba license and do dives where I can.
To add, I do plenty of labor work in the yard and am always active doing stuff for others or chores for us.
Plus, I like to read. Lots 

Now, you can see the contrast between characters here. I knew that marrying my wife I would need to compromise and im certain she knew this also. In my opinion I feel we have compromised in the sense that during the evenings (after work) I rarely work on any of my projects and I stay indoors with my wife. She watches TV and I am on my laptop doing some of my person work (projects that I can work on if possible). On the off chance that my wife is late home from work or has somewhere else to be (without me) I very efficiently utilise that time to do something that doesn’t involve her so when she is back I can again be around her.

I have tried to get my wife to join me on things that I do but she has little to no interest in anything. To be fair, she has tried things with me but these things hardly ever last, and we always slide back to the norm.
I have also tried to be interested in what she likes (which admittedly I can count on one hand) and even then I find it hard to just sit down and watch TV (she watches shows like X Factor or Dancing With The Stars or any variety of mind numbing reality shows which serve to turn your brain in to a cabbage) or do nothing at all. When doing nothing I can go crazy. (for example. If I knew that the backyard fence needed to be fixed and I was just sitting doing nothing on a Sunday afternoon, I would eventually have to get up and get my tools out and fix the fence).
Having said the above, there are definitely times where I just chill out and nap or do nothing at all. But if I am not in the mood to relax, then I am in the mood to do ‘something’.

My wife hates that I am always doing something.

Now, our relationship has gotten to the point where my wife is “bored” (her words) with things.
She admits that her extra-curricular activities are severely lacking; and I admit that mine are too much. I think she is below the norm and I am above it and it is this contrast that is causing issues. We are both never going to change to the point where we can meet in the middle, the distance is just too far!

The clincher here is that I love her with all my heart and I know she loves me too. She is an absolute goddess in my eyes. She has an amazing heart and she cares so much for me. But I don’t think we are compatible and neither does she. I don’t believe we can live under the same roof without getting under each others skin. Are we crazy for trying to make this work?

We don’t have any kids yet and I would love to have children, but I am petrified of having any if I can’t live with my wife.
Has anyone been in a similar situation to me? Should we just ‘stick it out’ and see what happens?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

headphones said:


> We are both never going to change to the point where we can meet in the middle, the distance is just too far!



I think you just answered your own question. I'm assuming the break you all had earlier in the relationship was due to these same issues? 

IMO, its called acceptance. Acceptance of what she likes doesn't like and vice versa. I don't see where there are major issues here, but I will say do not have kids until you both figure out what you want to do.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Maybe shes depressed? Has she always been like this? If so, this is nothing new and you will likely not be able to change it, its possibly who she is. 

If you feel you both are incompatible now, thats not likely to change down the road. Maybe shes more of a homebody(introvert) while you're more extrovert. Nothing wrong with it. 

I agree with the other poster, don't bring kids into this though. If anything, it will only make things worse.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Honestly, OP, you sound judgmental. You've already admitted that she is friendly, well-liked, open to outings, camping, etc -- she certainly doesn't sound like a depressed couch potato.

This reminds me of something that came up on another thread, about whether spouses should be everything to each other, and no, of course not. So you want to go fix the fence while she watches TV? Do it. Big deal.

I would recommend that instead of criticizing her entire personality, you find one or two things that you enjoy doing together -- maybe boating, maybe a hobby -- and do that, and also allow each other to do your own things. Maybe find one show that you can watch together, something that YOU also like -- netflix a series. Breaking Bad, The Wire -- there are some very smart TV shows out there.

I am a big reader/current events/political and literary theory person, and my H is an engineer, much more interested in fixing things. We do some things together (camping, hiking, movies) and we also enjoy doing things on our own -- then we come back together, both enriched and refreshed, with new stories to tell. We are both interesting people, just not on the same topics.

Not spending every moment liking the same kind of recreational activity is just fine. Really. It's just fine. As long as you have a few things that you enjoy together, and you always come back and enjoy yourselves afterwards, and you still love each other? All is good.

Now, if this is just an excuse to decide that your wife is boring and you deserve more? Then that's a whole different topic.


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## headphones (Jun 25, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies.



> If you feel you both are incompatible now, thats not likely to change down the road. Maybe shes more of a homebody(introvert) while you're more extrovert. Nothing wrong with it.


This is exactly right. She is an introvert and i'm an extrovert. We both accept this and we both know there is nothing wrong with either. I love the introvert side of her and I know she loves me how I am.
But of course, we ALL would like our partner to be more a little like us, right? Most of the time I accept that she simply wont be involved in the same activities I am in to, so I do them with friends or on my own. She also accepts that i'm not much of a couch potato so she stay indoors on her own sometimes.



> Honestly, OP, you sound judgmental. You've already admitted that she is friendly, well-liked, open to outings, camping, etc -- she certainly doesn't sound like a depressed couch potato.


Obviously, its impossible to explain years of a relationship in just one post but the intention wasn't to judge/lynch her! It was more as a release and a hope to get some advice.

In any case, we had a great talk about it last night.
Things are looking well, for now. But we will need to take things as they come and see what happens.

One thing that I will definitely take away from all this is I wont be bringing any kids in to this world until this is resolved. I have the feeling we just need to learn to adapt to each other. We have never lived with each other before getting married (even though we were going out for so long) so its a learning experience for both of us. She is a very fair person and I like to think I am as well, so im sure if we tried hard enough we could come to a compromise 

Thanks very much for your help everyone


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

It sounds to me like you are great together, you both are happy being yourselves and accepting of each other, where is the problem? In my opinion things sounds great. My only suggestion would be to give her the opportunity to be with you more. For example on Thursday night you tell her “Saturday I am going to the lake, it would be great if you came but if you want to hang out at home that is fine also.” That way she gets the chance to decide for herself if she wants to be on the sidelines. The earlier idea of finding something you both like to watch together is a great one as well.


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## jlock111 (Jun 26, 2012)

I also have been married a little over 2 years I have/had the same problem in my relationship to an extent. I used to be very bothered that my wife wouldn't try new foods, restaurants,rafting,hiking and a laundry list of other activities I love to do. But after I approached her in a different way she has changed her stance on said issues, now she is trying new things all the time and enjoying them more and more. So hang in there keep doing what you enjoy and hopefully with a little luck she will start enjoying those activities with you.


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## headphones (Jun 25, 2012)

Thanks to all for your great advice. Things to be going well again. For now 
This whole thing seems to be a roller-coaster ride. Of course, I understand every relationship will have their ups and downs, but our ones seem to be in a fairly solid pattern. The pattern itself is influenced by many factors but one of the main ones seems to be my wifes 'cycle'.
In any case, we are both aware of this and my wife herself was the one to mention that her cycle heavily influenced things and she is aware to be careful of what she says during that time (sometimes she says things that she doesnt mean, but only what she is feeling at that time. These things can be hurtful).

In the end, we understand each other well and Im happy with the way things are going. Thanks once again to all who helped


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Put a TV in the garage. We have one. Hubs is like you and is always working on some car in the garage and I have my laptop...and/or we watch a movie while he's doing it. There's a couch in the garage and it's our space away from the kids. lol. Sometimes I bring out my easel and paint, or I help him work on the car...We also got into some video games and play them together in the garage.


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