# Affairs that continue after D-Day



## cant_be_just_me (Oct 10, 2011)

How common are they? I thought things were over and couple's therapy was helping us reconnect but I've since learned that the OM and W are still involved. This feels like a really bad sign for hopes of recovering from the affair, but since it's hard to find info on handling this situation, I just don't know.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

answer us this- was she made aware of the consequences if she continued to cheat or did you just jump right into MC?


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## cant_be_just_me (Oct 10, 2011)

Yes we talked about consequences but it's really hard to follow through, sometimes things seem like they're so much better.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Sorry your here. 

Good news is...

Finding information on the situation and handling it is no longer hard to find. You found it. What you do with it, is going to be up to you.


Welcome aboard. Post your story.


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## cant_be_just_me (Oct 10, 2011)

reading "Emergency! I found my WW in a bar with 3 of her best "divorced" friends" now, seems similar to my situation. I didn't even see that before.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well the plain truth is that it is not uncommon for cheaters to cheat again or continue their affair. I think you need to be harsher and file for divorce. You deserve better and getting some extra crumbs is not a good way to be happy.


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## cant_be_just_me (Oct 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> You deserve better and getting some extra crumbs is not a good way to be happy.


well that's a good way to put it

I'd rather not go into full details of the story right now, I just wanted some advice because all the self-help books seem to talk about dealing with affairs as-if it's a "happened in the past, dealing with it in the future" sort of thing


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## oceanch1d (Oct 5, 2011)

My story sounds similar. I agree with ALMOSTRECOVERED. I didn't set strict boundaries and things backslid. I also felt guilty about "spying" (checking out his facebook messages to verify that he cut contact). Finally found this forum and have just made a list of extremely strict boundaries and have had the "big talk." I feel like I blundered through before and didn't know how to handle the situation. I don't know what to tell you since you are actively seeking outside help and tools to fix it. personally my relationship over the past year has gone through phases where he slips back into old habits (online flirting/relationships) and then gives them up completely (deletes facebook, shows me emails, etc), then we get complacent and he goes back to the old ways. I gather that it is common if the Betrayed Spouse is not firm in sticking to their threats (ie: ending the relationship). I am guilty of that, but determined to "man up" and kick him out if I see any more signs that he isn't committed to real recovery.


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## oceanch1d (Oct 5, 2011)

cant_be_just_me said:


> Yes we talked about consequences but it's really hard to follow through, sometimes things seem like they're so much better.


Totally feel like that right now.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Follow through!!! We cheaters need this structure!!!


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## cant_be_just_me (Oct 10, 2011)

I read this thing earlier today on here about "Just let them go", wish I read it on d-day, although execution is so much more difficult than being inspired and acting like I would man up.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I can tell you that if I was doing the same thing to my wife, I would know that I'm just playing you once again. And you are letting me do it. No punishment? Works for cheaters like me!!! 

Draw the line in the sand, and I'm done for good.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

cant_be_just_me said:


> I'd rather not go into full details of the story right now,


I hope you don't take this wrong but it's ok if you dont post your story.

We have heard it hundreds of times. After you take the time to read a bunch of threads here, you will understand what I mean.

Cheaters in general stick to a script. Events tend to happen in a very predicable pattern. What your likely hearing and seeing from her is almost sickening in it's predictablity. 

There is a welcome noobies thread around here, start there.. 

then run searches here using these terms. 

Gaslighting
Cake Eating
The Fog


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## cant_be_just_me (Oct 10, 2011)

how could I take that the wrong way? that's really helpful and thank you for being candid about these stories being relatively scripted, it helps to hear that

gaslighting and cake eating, those are new ones for me but have seen the fog a lot on the front page here

thanks


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

cant_be_just_me said:


> how could I take that the wrong way? that's really helpful and thank you for being candid about these stories being relatively scripted, it helps to hear that
> 
> gaslighting and cake eating, those are new ones for me but have seen the fog a lot on the front page here
> 
> thanks


You never know how new people will react. Some noob's can be like injured animals. People here want to help you, but sometimes we get "bitten".

Look for the noob thread I think AlmostRecovered authored it, Here a little more on the "fog". For Gaslighting, use that term in the search bar or google it. Your wife has likely been doing that to you for awhile. Cake eating is also common and it's what your Wife doing.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You gave her the gift of recover and she played you for a fool again. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes about her total lack of respect for you and your relationship. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

From what I've seen in my lurking here, it's depressingly normal. Or should I say typical.

I was no exception, after I confronted my W with evidence, she tried to convince me it was only sexting, asked forgiveness and claimed she would never be in contact with the OM. Three days after, she was planning a date with him.

In the keylogger it registered 6 minutes after she wrote me a confession of her love to me and expressed regret of her actions.

What I did was not discussing anything, or asking for counseling, but just started to pack up. She then collapsed around my feet and poured a stream of confessions and apologies..

So what I think you have to do, is to kill that piece of yourself which prevents you from setting your foot down. The part of you that loved her unconditionally and treated her like an extension of yourself. I, for one, certainly feel a bit dead inside.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

cant_be_just_me said:


> Yes we talked about consequences but it's really hard to follow through, sometimes things seem like they're so much better.


After the fact I discovered that while STBXW and I were getting along well and she was talking about us being friends, there was a standing hotel reservation where she was going to meet the OM across the country and turn the EA into a PA. She was also using a pre-paid phone to talk with OM. 

She is probably having good days when her needs are fully being met by you and OM - she feels like she is on her game, in control, and winning. Nothing really changed with my STBXW until I exposed the affair to OMW, set boundaries (I was not going to be her plan B), and made the EA very uncomfortable for her to be in. While I'm 99% certain we have no future together, I at least cracked the EA fog and set the course for D.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

In a situation like yours, the first thing to do is ask yourself; do you still want R or D? 

Do you still love her and stay married? Was she a good W up until her A? Do you have kids?


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