# 2nd separation but really want my marriage to work



## Hope4me2

We have been married for 21 years and going through our 2nd separation (currently separated 6 months) The first separation was two years ago and we were split for 6 months when we decided to reconcile. I truly believe that we reconciled too quickly and didn't give ourselves the proper time to work on us before he came back. I believe the reason he came back is because I pursued relentlessly and he really wanted his marriage to work. We stayed together a year but the same problems remained. Fighting over non-important things, allowing the fights to escalate to name calling, not making each other feel like spouses should and allowing our resentment to grow. He decided that the best thing for our family is to end the marriage (separation because he says he doesn't want to divorce) and he moved out. HOWEVER, we have spent a lot of time together both as a couple and as a family. Having good times but still fighting once in a while, usually about relationship or kids. He has always been adamant that we were not going to be together as a married couple again. But obviously he still enjoys spending time with me. He tells me he loves me more than anything and will always take care of me. 

Last week after a big discussion about our marriage he came over to the house and said, "I want to work on our marriage" music to my ears. Two days later we get into an argument (parenting argument) and he says that he sees clearly that we just cannot get along. 

He has begun online dating which I know is a big flag for no reconciliation and once I found that out I did the worst thing possible I flew off the handle and did everything that you're not suppose to do. 

What should I do now? We are both at fault equally for the failure of our marriage. But I truly believe that we can figure things out if we just work on ourselves first and then bring a better us to the marriage. 

Thanks for listening and thanks in advance for the support.


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## Stretch

Looks like you need MC to learn how to communicate in a productive way.

Stretch


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## Hope4me2

Thanks Stretch. Problem is right now he is dead set on not restoring the marriage because he thinks it is too damaging to the kids for him to come back again. 

I read the 180 post and am going to get IC. But I'm thinking he might be done which breaks my heart because now I see the many mistakes I made which is probably too late.


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## Openminded

Just because he cares about you doesn't mean he can live with you. The same is true for you. That's why marriage is hard for many. Work on you and don't focus on him. Maybe he will come back and maybe he won't. At the end of the day the only person you control is you. Make it count.


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## EleGirl

This last fight you had about parenting. Who was it that escalated it? How did it turn into a fight?

The reason that I'm asking is that his starting to date is a huge red flag. We have seen several situations on here in which one spouse will escalate things into fights so that they can use a fight as an excuse to leaver and to see other people. 

How did you find out that he is on dating sites? YOu were not wrong for blowing up when you found out that he's dating (or looking to date). He has told you that he wants to stay married to you but not live together. Well you are still married. He wants a wife and girlfriends. We call that adultery. Most people would be very upset with this situation.

At this point I think that you are right that you interact with him according to the 180 and you get into IC. 

This means that you are not going to be someone he hangs out with. If he wants to see the children, he can see them while you go out to do things. No joint family activities. There are no dates. There is no sex. It's very common for guy to leave like your husband has and to keep the marriage so that he can have easy access to his wife for sex. He wants to be married but single.

Besides being able to date, there are other things that might favor him that make this limbo state something that works for him. If the two of you live separately for a year or two, then it can change the dynamics of a divorce. He can claim that you have split the assets already and other things that could hurt you in a divorce settlement.

Do you work outside the home?

Something to consider, so what if he does not want a divorce. You can file for one. It might be a good idea to do so. If he wants to live like a single guy, then let him be single. Let him pay support, let him have limited access to his children with a custody plan. 

Talk to an attorney. See if he can be considered to have abandoned or deserted you and the children. It sounds like he has on many levels. Find out what your rights are. Ask about the differences between a legal separation and a divorce in your state.

Get educated on these things because they are a reality of where your life is headed. Do not allow him to be in control of everything.


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## Hope4me2

Thank you Openminded for that advice, I have to continuously say that to myself to understand that is exactly what needs to be done. 

EleGirl - I escalated the argument because he was making me really angry and I hung up. Still not a reason for him to give up or date but I'm sure he was dating before he told me he wanted to try again. I'm not positive he is online dating I'm just assuming. When I asked him was he dating he said "you can't expect me not to start meeting other people" I said "how could you already be with a girl you care about more than me" and he said "there is no girl, you're letting your mind go crazy there are several I'm talking too" which to me means online dating. When I asked he would never answer. 

I do work outside the home. He sees the children when he wants, helping me with pick ups and drop off from activities and he pays for almost everything. He also has scheduled visitation every week but often sees them more than that.


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## EleGirl

Hope4me2 said:


> Thank you Openminded for that advice, I have to continuously say that to myself to understand that is exactly what needs to be done.
> 
> EleGirl - I escalated the argument because he was making me really angry and I hung up. Still not a reason for him to give up or date but I'm sure he was dating before he told me he wanted to try again. I'm not positive he is online dating I'm just assuming. When I asked him was he dating he said "you can't expect me not to start meeting other people" I said "how could you already be with a girl you care about more than me" and he said "there is no girl, you're letting your mind go crazy there are several I'm talking too" which to me means online dating. When I asked he would never answer.
> 
> I do work outside the home. He sees the children when he wants, helping me with pick ups and drop off from activities and he pays for almost everything. He also has scheduled visitation every week but often sees them more than that.


I agree, he's dating other women and probably has been for a while. That's probably his mean reason for moving out. Very often when a spouse moves out to get space or to think about what they want to do.. it's code for "I'm dating or want to date."

At this point the 180, counseling and file for divorce. And no sex with him.

There is a good book that would help you "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Even if he's not having an affair, it will help you.


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