# How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The list below comes from personal experience and observation. Let me know what I am missing. BTW - if you read the list and realize you are on the receiving end of a mountain of this type behavior - don't go and yell at your partner. Instead ask yourself why this is happening and what YOU are going to do about it. 

My favorite is the bit about your partner not really listening to you even though they have no external distractions. That behavior does not imply they are a narcissist any more than it means you are boring. It MIGHT mean that you are choosing to inflict long conversations on them on topics that your best guy/girl friend finds interesting but that your spouse finds deadly boring. 

I do believe if you allow the patterns below to become frequent/intense they act like acid by destroying respect and weakening the bond between you with the outcome being:
- I let you treat me poorly and you lose respect/love for me AND
- I lose respect/love for myself - but oddly still love you just as much 

Focus/prioritization:
- Initiating a conversation while your partner is doing something (reading/texting) expecting and clearly being agreeable to getting at most their partial attention.
- Allowing your partner to initiate a conversation with you while they are engaged in an activity (reading/texting) that also requires concentration.
- Continuing a conversation even though your partner is getting frequently interrupted by kids/calls/texts/etc
- Continuing a conversation when your partner is clearly distracted/not fully engaged due to their "internal" state (boredom, fatigue, anxiety about something)
- Your partner rarely/never asks you about "your" day - about what you want to do
- Your partner expects you to respond much more quickly to their text/email/voicemails than they do to yours

Tone:
- Speaking to you as if you are less than an equal/a servant - issuing commands - instead of making requests 
- Responding to a serious/awkward question you have asked - with silence - Interrupting you frequently and/or interrupting you without
acknowledging they have done so with a - "sorry I interrupted - what were you saying"?
- Allowing or subtly encouraging THEIR friends/family to routinely interrupt you 
- Frequently putting you down in private sometimes under the guise of joking around 
- Putting you down in public 
- Being quickly/casually dismissive of your suggestions, requests and/or ideas
- When you first see each other at the end of a work day immediately complaining, nagging, launching into a long detailed self focused
interaction
- Responding with impatience/anger/indifference when you are trying to convey something important/intimate about yourself (such as initiating sex, or actually while you are having sex, or sharing a painful
experience)

What am I missing? Does anyone else think this stuff is important?


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> The list below comes from personal experience and observation. Let me know what I am missing. BTW - if you read the list and realize you are on the receiving end of a mountain of this type behavior - don't go and yell at your partner. Instead ask yourself why this is happening and what YOU are going to do about it.
> 
> My favorite is the bit about your partner not really listening to you even though they have no external distractions. That behavior does not imply they are a narcissist any more than it means you are boring. It MIGHT mean that you are choosing to inflict long conversations on them on topics that your best guy/girl friend finds interesting but that your spouse finds deadly boring.
> If my wife feels an issue is important enough to discuss with me, then that is reason enough for me to be present to that conversation. I don't judge what she says by deciding if the topic is "boring" or not. Which, BTW, I find to be disrespectful in itself.
> ...


I am very thankful that I am not involved in a relationship where such disrespect exists.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LM,
You seem well named. Are there topics which you choose not to discuss with your W simply because she is not interested in them? 

For instance I don't typically discuss football with my W because I know she is not interested in it. 




luckyman said:


> I am very thankful that I am not involved in a relationship where such disrespect exists.


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## abbylee (Apr 20, 2011)

You have watched my husband.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Abby,
How long have you been married?



abbylee said:


> You have watched my husband.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes that's a very good list. Conversation skills have to be learned and practiced. On a very mundane level, make sure you can physically HEAR one another. There's nothing so irritating than constantly asking or being asked to repeat oneself. 

I would also say you have to listen about 2x as much as you talk. As well as don't jump to answer the phone just because it rings.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Question: What is the appropriate reply when a spouse says, "I'm sorry, you really look bored with what I'm talking about, should I stop?"

If I say "Yes", it implies that I don't care what he's talking about. It's important to him and I feel that I am being selfish by not listening. I feel guilty for not showing keen interest.

If I say "No, please continue", I am left frustrated and slightly resentful, trying desperately to keep my eyes from glazing over and giving myself mental slaps to keep myself awake.

What is the appropriate response?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would say I'm sorry can we take this up later. Something else is happening now, assuming it is. If you're just not engaged, I don't know, make up white lie.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is there a way to let him know this is just a topic you have little interest in? That no matter who was talking about it, you would not be interested in it. 



MGirl said:


> Question: What is the appropriate reply when a spouse says, "I'm sorry, you really look bored with what I'm talking about, should I stop?"
> 
> If I say "Yes", it implies that I don't care what he's talking about. It's important to him and I feel that I am being selfish by not listening. I feel guilty for not showing keen interest.
> 
> ...


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## abbylee (Apr 20, 2011)

20 years, and the for most of the marriage I have been thick skinned and happy, but for the last few months I just cannot seem to take it anymore. I just am taking this attitude/behavior from him and I just cannot do it anymore. I do not know what to do. I feel crushed and dead inside and would just like someone to push me in the right direction. I know that is not right either, but I have lived my entire adult life (I married at 18) being told what to do and where to go. So now that I am so unhappy that I just cannot stand to be near him or even myself I do not know what to do with myself.... I do love the person he can be, I do not know the person he chooses to be. He uses the excuse that he told me he was a difficult person to be with, I have managed difficult with love and grace, this I cannot manage with any type of anything..... I am so lost and sad.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Go to the mens clubhouse and read the threads on "manning up". No gender offence intended. Basically being too nice to some partners slowly turns them into very badly behaved people. Many times you can change your response to their behavior in such a way that they stop violating your boundaries. 

For instance, he cannot MAKE you listen to him if he is being abusive. You tell him firmly and calmly you will not speak with him unless he can be calm and rational and leave the room or even the house if you need to in order to convince him that you mean it. 

If you yell back at him he won't change. If you deny him the chance to interact unless he acts like a grown up - he will likely surprise you by how quickly he stops the nonsense. 





abbylee said:


> 20 years, and the for most of the marriage I have been thick skinned and happy, but for the last few months I just cannot seem to take it anymore. I just am taking this attitude/behavior from him and I just cannot do it anymore. I do not know what to do. I feel crushed and dead inside and would just like someone to push me in the right direction. I know that is not right either, but I have lived my entire adult life (I married at 18) being told what to do and where to go. So now that I am so unhappy that I just cannot stand to be near him or even myself I do not know what to do with myself.... I do love the person he can be, I do not know the person he chooses to be. He uses the excuse that he told me he was a difficult person to be with, I have managed difficult with love and grace, this I cannot manage with any type of anything..... I am so lost and sad.


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## abbylee (Apr 20, 2011)

He comes from a time when the husband runs the home, as do I. And he has a job of authority, which makes the "Manning up" a freaking joke. I have been thru the leaving the room, asking him to stop until he can talk calmly, every change you can come up with and it always ends up the same way, me giving in, feeling like crap and being the one to blame for whatever offense has happened to spark the discussion. However heated the discussion was, and it does not matter whether the discussion is in front of our children or not. I am ALWAYS the bad guy and end up there is not a chance to calm him until he has said his peace. It is exhausting. I am so torn...


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

That's a good list. I think sometimes i make the mistake of not giving my full attention and so does he, but for the most part we do so. It is very disrespectful not to do that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Take a deep breath. This is all going to work out one way or another. Does he "yell at you" and lose his temper? Or is he calm but relentless?

Why do you end up giving in? Meaning, why don't you move out of the bedroom and refuse to speak with him until he apologizes? 

BTW - do you two have a healthy physical/sex life?



abbylee said:


> He comes from a time when the husband runs the home, as do I. And he has a job of authority, which makes the "Manning up" a freaking joke. I have been thru the leaving the room, asking him to stop until he can talk calmly, every change you can come up with and it always ends up the same way, me giving in, feeling like crap and being the one to blame for whatever offense has happened to spark the discussion. However heated the discussion was, and it does not matter whether the discussion is in front of our children or not. I am ALWAYS the bad guy and end up there is not a chance to calm him until he has said his peace. It is exhausting. I am so torn...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I find myself often in a different situation. Whenever & I mean all the time, the wife comes in the front door and starts firing off questions. Most of them are inane, like "Is anything wrong, who called, are there any problems, etc etc) No of course not, nothings wrong the house didn't catch on fire, no one died or got in a shootout with the cops, or check the voice mail yourself or whatever. It's an interrogation. I really have to struggle not to explode at that. I feel like I'm treated like I'm 5 years old.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Whenever I am doing something like you describe my W caricatures me. It is annoying for a moment and then gut bustingly funny.

Is anything wrong: Actually the predator drones we sent to rescue the rebels in libya ran into weather and had to turn back. The SecDef called to let us know that the drones would be sent again tomorrow. Problems - well my cok is about to atrophy to nothing from lack of use. Thanks for asking though. 




Runs like Dog said:


> I find myself often in a different situation. Whenever & I mean all the time, the wife comes in the front door and starts firing off questions. Most of them are inane, like "Is anything wrong, who called, are there any problems, etc etc) No of course not, nothings wrong the house didn't catch on fire, no one died or got in a shootout with the cops, or check the voice mail yourself or whatever. It's an interrogation. I really have to struggle not to explode at that. I feel like I'm treated like I'm 5 years old.


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## abbylee (Apr 20, 2011)

He does yell at times, but for the most part he does not have to to get his point across. He is just flat mean, demeaning, ignores me, or goes off on some other rant that is so far off the beaten path that I end up confused, and he ends up winning the whole argument in the end. I cannot move out of the bedroom, he will follow and just freak till I go back to bed. The less that I change things for my kids the better at this point. I don't want to scare them. We have always had a very healthy sex life, and now my libido seems to outrun his, he would rather roll over and go to sleep than have any kind of contact with me. Even with all of the problems with the attitude and all that comes with it I really believe that a healthy sex life in your relationship is vital. Well it is not happening, not anymore. We used to be that couple that was a 3-4 x a week and now I am not able to think of the last time. I give in to the arguments and yelling because it is easier and calmer than listening to all of the insults and the yelling, and it is less damage to my self esteem. I was raised that you don't leave your marriage, for anything, and he is not hitting me or cheating me, so do I really have allot to complain about except being terribly unhappy?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

We had this tonight.

It was "unexpected" - but we now know that's "expected"

Initially, she had a problem with how "loud" I was. Hey, I'm just securing a possible future for your daughter. I'm a bit keyed up. Why tell me to cool it in front of others?

But, the night was lost when she started to correct me on how to "text a friend".

Well, that text was about me!

"How would you respond if I started telling you how you should word the texts to your friends?" And - should I correct your text etiquette in front of others?

See - the road to hell starts at the first kilometer.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Conrad said:


> We had this tonight.
> 
> It was "unexpected" - but we now know that's "expected"
> 
> ...


When I feel my husband's tone is getting frustrated, I just go to him and stick my tongue into his mouth and start kissing him passionately! Problem solved! :smthumbup:


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I've tried dealing with this by correcting.
Bad idea.

Recently tried dealing with it by distancing.
He took the cue and left me alone.

After a few days, I reached out because Easter is coming up, and I'm religious (he says he is too).
I.e., I don't want to be a prideful hypocrite.
He wasn't responsive. Thought I was being preachy.

The most recent time we talked, he unleashed a tirade of blame and projection.

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
He didn't want to talk about his disrespect. Fine.
He wanted me to be over it within an hour. I wasn't.
He didn't like the distance as a consequence.
Yelled at me: "YOURE upset!!!" when I wasn't.

My husband is festering in bitterness and anger, and doesn't want to take responsibility for any of his role.
We have Easter weekend to get through together with my family...
And after that, I truly don't know what to do about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Creda,
Show him the list. Ask him what areas he thinks you need to improve in, and what areas he thinks HE needs to improve in. 




credamdóchasgra said:


> I've tried dealing with this by correcting.
> Bad idea.
> 
> Recently tried dealing with it by distancing.
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*adding to the list*

>>>>>>>>>>
After a conflict where your partner clearly was in the wrong, they don't proactively apologize, and in fact they do everything possible to avoid apologizing when you bring up the incident. 
>>>>>>>>>>



MEM11363 said:


> The list below comes from personal experience and observation. Let me know what I am missing. BTW - if you read the list and realize you are on the receiving end of a mountain of this type behavior - don't go and yell at your partner. Instead ask yourself why this is happening and what YOU are going to do about it.
> 
> My favorite is the bit about your partner not really listening to you even though they have no external distractions. That behavior does not imply they are a narcissist any more than it means you are boring. It MIGHT mean that you are choosing to inflict long conversations on them on topics that your best guy/girl friend finds interesting but that your spouse finds deadly boring.
> 
> ...


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

My frustration in my marriage is with two points on your list.

One being failure, or her difficulty to apologize for bad behavior. She often seems to find a way to justify her inappropriate actions by something I supposadly did. Even more so, non apologies like "I'm sorry you took it that way", or "I'm sorry you feel that way".

Also indifference in the bedroom. She is more accomodating if I initiate. Be she sometimes doesn't even try to be an active participent, or simply lays there like a manican. She does this when she's not in the mood - but can claim that she didn't reject me outright. It was my choice not to proceed. (Because I don't get off on doing something TO her, I want to do it WITH her).


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