# Thoughts of Inadequacy



## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

Sorry, just feel the need to post this...

Yesterday I looked in the mirror and started comparing myself to the OM. How did he make my wife feel? Did do things to her I never did? Did he make her feel better than I did? What did he give her that I never could?

I couldn't stop crying. Was a very hard night for me.

I have been reading up on the 180 rules, and realize I need to do these to better myself and give myself confidence.

Thank you all for all the advice in my other threads. Not sure where I would be without you guys.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

dantheman said:


> Sorry, just feel the need to post this...
> 
> Yesterday I looked in the mirror and started comparing myself to the OM. How did he make my wife feel? Did do things to her I never did? Did he make her feel better than I did? What did he give her that I never could?
> 
> ...


Dantheman:

It's a normal response for a BS. You're normal, it's normal, it will pass. 

Can you go to a gym and work out?

It releases feel good hormones and endorphins that give you confidence and your physical health will also improve. 

Also, the gym is a good place to meet same sex friends and get out of the house more. 

Being cheated on is a major blow to the ego. 

But typically the OW or OM are not all that. 

They are just average typically and sleazy to boot.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry you have had to get the great advice you are getting. Hang in there.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

dantheman said:


> Sorry, just feel the need to post this...
> 
> Yesterday I looked in the mirror and started comparing myself to the OM. How did he make my wife feel? Did do things to her I never did? Did he make her feel better than I did? What did he give her that I never could?
> 
> ...


Dan, I read your story. You have been cheated on by two wives...me too. I really tears you down emotional and destroys you self esteem. I am 18 months out from D day #3 and over 3 years out from D day #1. My divorce will be final in a month. My STBXW and I still share the house...that makes it even tougher. You need to understand that it gets easier. 

I stood in front of the mirror many times and asked all the same questions. I lost a ton of weight initially, couldn't eat, sleep or focus at work. Then one day I started to wake up and find my balls! Wow! There they are...they were always with me! I decided I could be a victim or I could be victorious. You will not be a martyr for her and her selfishness. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you...it's what is wrong with her. I started working out like crazy, eating well and getting the sleep I needed. Focus on you! I am in the best shape of my life...and I was always in pretty good shape so that is saying something. My wife sure as hell didn't cheat on me because of my body. Make some new friends as well. You will be surprised how important friends can be in times like this.

It took time but I started to get angry. Anger makes you strong as long as it's focused properly. So get angry...fight back...not against her...but for you! I gave up on the questions about her and him...I just don't care anymore...f**k them! they belong on Jerry Springer...not me. I'm sure it was a hollow fantasy and it will end in disaster. Remember, the best revenge is living well and being happy. Don't let her take that from you as well. Focus on your kids too. You will need each other to get through this.

I am even older then you...49. I was worried about never finding someone as beautiful as STBXW again...she was beautiful...on the outside only. Inside she is a cheater, liar, thief and has enough FOO issues to fill a semi truck. Basically, she is just a deeply flawed and dishonest person with no integrity. She was lazy and uber selfish to boot. My STBXW works at a salon as well. She makes almost nothing and will never be able to support herself without help...not my problem anymore. 

You will wake up one day and realize that you are better off with out her. Let her be someone else's problem. Don't be ashamed to cry now. Get it out of your system. Deal with all of the emotions...do not hide or compartmentalize them. This is how your mind deals and heals from the trauma. If you are experiencing the mind movies...don't try to stop them. Replay them until you get sick of them and they won't effect you anymore. Pick certain times of the day to let your mind go. The rest of the time focus on the present and keep busy...productive. I know just how bad this sucks...but it gets better. Keep in mind that this is a process...the 180 takes time.

Time is your best friend.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Dan,

I know it feels very personal -- but it's NOT you. It's her. You are not the ugly one here -- she is. Even though she might try and blame shift this to you, that you were lacking in some way (which is an emotionally abusive thing to do, btw) -- people cheat because they feel ENTITLED to cheat. It's something that is lacking in THEM. (A moral compass, empathy, etc.)

This might help you, the principles are the same whether it's an OM or OW Dear Chump Lady, Is she prettier? 
People who cheat are dog turds. Some are dog turds with sugar frosting and some just look like dog turds -- every affair is an affair DOWN.

Hang in there.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Aw man, it's just in your wife's head. A real woman keeps up her interest in her own man, and if he's falling short in any way from the guy she fell in love with and married, she gives him a little hint way before she loses interest big time. It's a responsibility that comes with being married, to be responsible for your own sexual attraction to your spouse and to protect it with your life's energy. Sounds like your W got her head up her b*tt on this one. Take care of your health during this stressful time, but please don't go changing to try to be like some home-wrecking OM, why would you want to be like someone like that, rotten from the inside-out. You are way better than that, and always will be. (Too bad for the OM, he can't ever erase that from his history, no matter what your W thinks she sees in him. As a woman, I would never have any respect for a guy who allowed me to ruin my marriage, and helped me to do it. WTF!)


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Nothing, NOTHING about you. Your wife's affair tells nothing about you, your value, your acomplishments. Not even superficial acomplishments of OM, money, whatever you use to compare. Instead is very telling about her, her entitlemetn, her lack of character, her flaws, her issues.
She always could talk, separate, divorce. She chose to be a self serving selfish cheater.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

99.9% of the time, both men and women cheat because they are trying to prove they don't have deficiencies themselves. They are looking for something they will never find. Once a cheater/potential cheater feels that emptiness they desperately need to fill, no spouse can stop them. 
All the more you have to do Dan is look at some of the men that cheat. Many have very attractive, good wives and none will say they run around because their wife in inadequate. They do it hoping the conquest will satisfy that perennial hunger to prove they got it. Most often the O.W. is even inferior in many way to their wives. The same is true of women. I've been with several women who's husbands would make two of me. You're lying to yourself if you believe the other man stole your women because he's superior to you. Besides, in the final analysis, some women will love you and think you hung the moon, others will hate you and can't stand to be near you. And there are millions of them in both categories.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

The inadequacy lies in the cheater. He/she has inadequate boundaries, morals, ethics, and idea(l)s of love. 

He/she is self-serving and selfish, typically with low self-esteem, self-image and self-worth. All of those are inadequacies of the WS, not the BS. 

NEVER think that you weren't good enough for her. Turn that around. She CLEARLY wasn't good enough for you.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> The inadequacy lies in the cheater. He/she has inadequate boundaries, morals, ethics, and idea(l)s of love.


You said it a damn sight better than I did ISH :iagree:


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