# New, having doubts about my husband and marriage!



## lostalone11 (May 9, 2013)

I am re-posting this here as recommended...

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We're young, mid-twenties... We got married a year after we met and got pregnant with our first daughter 2 weeks after getting married. If anything, we work really fast. I honestly fell in love with him the moment I saw him. We both had limited experience in dating and were virgins so it seemed like a fairytale. He was perfect in my eyes, someone who could do no wrong. However, he has a very hard time communicating, and has from the beginning. We now have 2 kids and ever since our first was born, he has changed.

We have moved a lot and don't have the best financial stability because he works and I stay home. Daycare is expensive and makes it impossible for me to work. We always do get our bills paid, food etc taken care of without having to ask for any help. He works hard, 12 hours every day, 5-6 days per week. We have had to live with my parents several times over the course of our marriage. I know he gets super stressed out but not to the point where I would think he would do anything wrong. About 3 years ago, I found evidence of him posting and replying to ads on dating websites, craigslist etc. But what really made my heart sink... was an ad in the men seeking men section. I thought, oh my god, my husband is gay or at the very least bisexual.

In the past three years, there have been more ads posted and replied to, more sites I've come across that he's been on. Even a gay dating site, gay dating phone apps, gay video chatting websites. He claims he signed up for these out of boredom and entertainment. I have no proof that he's ever cheated on me. He uses private browsing. I don't know what to do. I have a sinking fear but he claims he is in no way homosexual and the fact that I would accuse of him of such pisses him off.

I am in no way attracted to females and because of that I would never post looking for a female. Why would he be searching for a man? If he's not at least curious about it? I can't talk to him because he won't communicate with me, it's almost non-existent. Sex is not what it used to be and he seems bored with me. Sometimes when he comes home, I still feel alone because he's constantly on the computer or his phone. I am lost and don't know what to do... I'm not happy like I used to be. Any advice?


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Your husband is sleeping with men.

Your husband is at least Bi-sexual.

No straight man I know would peruse gay hook up sites.

Cheater's almost always deny, and lie.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Bisexual Male? I don't think so. He's gay. Sorry, but you're going to have to move on.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

He needs to be confronted. And for this I'd have a witness.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I get bored, but do not cruise gay male dating sites... Can you place a VAR in his car?

Good luck
WD


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

True bisexuality is common in women but extremely rare in men. 

Anyway, it's ludicrous that a straight guy would be trolling gay hook up sites. It's even more ludicrous that you would let him get away with being "pissed off" at your accusation, since your accusation is well-founded. YOU are the one who has the right to be pissed off.

I hate to say this, but chances are there is no way to fix this. Gay men simply can't be happy married to a woman all their lives. Either you have to just accept that he's gay, and let him "do his thing" (while you do yours), or split up. I hate to be pessimistic, but realistically these are the only two options down your road. 

I feel bad for you, but please keep in mind that if he's gay (and he is) he was gay long before he met you. It wasn't anything that you did.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is not good. He is not good for you.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Okay first you are not alone you do have all the people here. Plus I would dollars to donuts if you you ask for help from people you know even casual friends they will be there for you. No person is an island. Many people here can and will help you get through this.


1: Now you husband is gay or bisexual probably has a complex about it or just wanted a kid. This is not a rare thing to find it happens all the time. And yes he is having sex with men it has been going on to long for him not to get lucky.

2: Get the evidence pictures of the sites and such.

3: What do you want to do? Stay with a man who may only love you as a friend or leave? I am not judging I know people who have stayed after the reveal I can't say they were happy but everyone has there own life.

You got people who care about you. My hopes are with ya.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

This is a sad thread.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

It's sad that people rush into lifelong commitments and bring children into the mix without ever really knowing the other person.

He's gay, and you're out of luck.

Cut your losses and move on with your life.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Theseus said:


> *True bisexuality is common in women but extremely rare in men.*


I beg to differ. It probably is more open and common in women, but men being bisexual isn't "rare". They hide in the "closet" more often, so we don't see it.

A hetero' guy sees two pretty women kissing and he'll more than likely be aroused. A woman sees two guys and... not so much. At least not as often.

My guess is her husband IS curious and he's starting to act on it. Will he eventually give up on women all together? Only time will tell.

Either way, plain and simple, he's cheating already. Left unchecked and it's only a matter of time before it goes physical(again?).


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I beg to differ. It probably is more open and common in women, but men being bisexual isn't "rare". They hide in the "closet" more often, so we don't see it.



Look at the link above that Machiavelli provided. Studies show that nearly all self-identified "bisexual" men were really gay, and probably just using the label "bisexual" because they wanted to stay in the closet. 

Or you can just look at the numbers. This study is fairly typical, where 14 percent of women have had same sex partners, but only 6 percent of men have.


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## HusbandX (Jul 13, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're here. As others have said, Men either have gay or bisexual tendencies or they don't. Cruising gay websites is just not done by straight men.

But this does open up questions. Can you live with a bisexual husband if he's honest and committed to you, or would this be too much of a shock for you to deal with? I'm sure some women could get over this, if their man was honest and open about their sexuality and weren't covertly cruising gay sites and chatting with gay & bi men.

Confrontation has to be key, but before you do so you need to establish what you want from this. You'll never change his sexuality, but can you live with this new fact if he remains faithful and honest from here on out?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Wow so many useless one liner responses and dismissive advice I had to double check the URL to make sure I was still on TAM. Why bother posting that kind of drivel? It serves very little purpose.

OP, there are several factors that complicate the equation for you. You may or may not be aware of the statistics regarding people who get married before the age of 25, but the are not very encouraging. You've identified some key issues, and those issue would be a good place to start in order to figure out if your marriage can be restructured to be healthy and successful, or if you should "throw in the towel" and "move on" as so many here seem to think.

Communication is absolutely 100% vital for the success of any relationship, not just a marriage. You mentioned that your husband has always had issues/problems communicating, but you two have done little or nothing to address that problem thus far.

Couples counseling is not a recommendation at this point, its a requirement. You two have to begin attending couples counseling on a regular basis starting today (or as soon as possible). In the beginning I would recommend going twice per week. That way you quickly figure out if the counselor you are seeing is a good fit or not, and are able to make adjustments accordingly. In counseling the focus should primarily be establishing an open line of communication between the two of you. Once you've figured out how to talk to each other, and have the language down, you can move on to boundaries.

His work schedule is a major obstacle to your marriage at the moment. 12 hour days 5-6 days per week leaves almost zero time to work on the relationship or each others needs. You two will need to figure out how to reduce his working hours (ie higher wage or less expenses) in order to facilitate working on the relationship and each other. 

Boundaries, as in, you must work on setting up healthy ones that promote a strong relationship. You can start by explaining to him that a healthy marriage must have 100% total transparency between the spouses. You must have all his passwords and log in information, and he must have all of yours. No more private browsing, passwords on phones, deleting texts/emails or any of that stuff. You must also tell him that when he browses those sites, you feel like he is no longer interested in you and your marriage, and that if he continues to do so, you wont be able to stay married to him (you have to actually mean this if you say it, because if his behavior doesn't change you will have to follow through)

He may or may not be cheating on you at the moment, but if things continue down this road, he most certainly will. I wish you luck, and hope that you continue posting here on TAM, its a valuable resource for having a healthy relationship.

edit: also, since you two were both virgins when you married each other, you can ignore all the nonsense about "well since he is 'cursing' gay websites he must be <fill in the blank>." There are a multitude of reasons for this behavior, boredom in the bedroom, never exploring his sexuality while he was younger, passive aggressiveness or resentment toward you, so many other things, I find it amusing that so many here can jump to conclusions about sexual identity based on the behavior you described. Get into counseling, and start figuring things out.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

It may well be that he is trying to juggle his true sexuality (that he may have denied even to himself for many years) and his commitment to you. He may think (mistakenly) that getting his homosexual kicks online whilst remaining married to you in real life is an acceptable solution that allows him to honour the marriage whilst dealing with his sexual urges. It isn't - but it may be that he is trying to do the best by you whilst meeting his other sexual needs. 

I think that these cases are unusual in that he hasn't made a conscious choice to go to another sexual partner rather than you, because he has not made a conscious choice to be homosexual. 

Personally I think that he should not get the standard TAM cheater treatment (at least not in the first instance) but that you should just try to sit down and have a full and frank discussion about what he needs and about what you need. You will probably also want to get an honest account of everything he has been up to and whether it has remained purely online. there are potential health issues, for one thing.

If he doesn't respond, then I would treat him like a WS. But I would try to have the conversation first. I know that others may disagree but that is my view.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Paladin said:


> Couples counseling is not a recommendation at this point, its a requirement. You two have to begin attending couples counseling on a regular basis starting today (or as soon as possible).



Normally I am the first person to recommend couples counseling, but I don't think it's very helpful here. If he's gay, then therapy isn't going to change that.


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## HusbandX (Jul 13, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Normally I am the first person to recommend couples counseling, but I don't think it's very helpful here. If he's gay, then therapy isn't going to change that.


That's a fair comment, but if he's Bi does it have to be all over? 

Most hetro men fancy other women, some sadly act on it, others build their relationships to be strong enough for other attractive women not to cause them to even consider straying. Why can't the same be true for a bi-sexual man? Doesn't matter if you fancy women & guys, as longs as you're honest, committed and faithful to your wife.

Though I've never met a happily married couple where the husband was bi, but they must exist?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I actually feel sorry for your husband.

I also feel unutterably sorry for you to find out this way, but when I was at university I had a very good male friend who spent three years convincing himself that he was straight. He even went out with girls, myself included for a while, although there was no sex thank goodness. I even asked him outright several times if he was gay and he always denied it.

After three years of this he finally sat me down and told me he had something to tell me.

He finally admitted that he was indeed gay and had been pretty much as long as he could remember.

He cried. I cried. I didn't know how I could live my life without him in it. I loved him deeply and I think he cared for me too, but only ever as a friend.

Now I never married him, we never even had sex, but my feelings for him were very real. I am still fond of him to this day, nearly twenty years later. I only wish he could find himself a lovely man to settle down with - he deserves it.

It takes a lot for a man to admit he is gay, especially when he doesn't want to be. Your husband went on hiding and trying far longer than my friend did, so far as to get married and father children, which was wrong.

If you can, be a friend to him and let him know that he is safe to talk to you about anything. I am sure that he cares for you deeply. He can't help being gay.

I do think your marriage will be over, but once you get past the hurt, maybe you will still be able to be good friends and you can hep each other through this time in your lives.


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## lostalone11 (May 9, 2013)

Thanks for all the responses. My problem here is that I have no physical evidence of him actually cheating. I've seen his profiles, his replies and ads, his searches for gay chat roulette, but nothing else. There is no way I would be able to put a recorder in his car because whenever I'm in the car, he is. I am alone all day with my 2 kids, I don't drive, I have no friends I can talk to about this because they may relay it back to him. I have talked to my Mom about this but she can't really offer advice because she is trapped in a bad marriage with my alcoholic dad of over 40 years. 

I have made attempts to talk to him about this in the past, he admitted to posting an ad looking for a guy, it was 18 months ago. I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter and I almost killed myself over this. I went to the hospital but didn't have the guts to confront him until we got home, he lied to my face and finally admitted to it 6 months later. I told him if it happens again, I would leave. But I never stick to my word. What would I do without him, because I love him so much...

From past confrontations, when I ask him things, he blows up and twists my words around. Pretty much berating me for suggesting in the slightest that he was into guys. He once told me, "I don't have a gay bone in my body" He makes me feel stupid for asking him, yells, and has thrown/punched things. This is exactly why I am so terrified and keep the information to myself. We both severely bottle up our emotions, always have. It is so frustrating because I am so dependent on him.

To answer a question: If it only happened once before, I would be more accepting and not worry as much about it. Since he has searched for a gay video chat website in the last month and half, I'm not so sure. If he did ever admit to being gay or bi (which I don't think he ever will), I would NOT stay. I am completely for gay rights and everything but I never imagined my husband of 5.5 years to have those feelings. It would always be in the back of my mind if he was really still attracted to me or if he was thinking about guys or worse.

Paladin, thank you for your advice. I have suggested couples counseling in the past but it never happens. The costs of therapy for us would most likely be prohibitive. He works overtime just so we can make bills. That is the reason for the horrible work schedule. If he didn't work so much, we wouldn't make ends meat. We wouldn't be able to pay rent, car payment, utilities etc... We have lived with my parents before to lower our costs, but that ends up adversely affecting us because he can't stand to live there. This is where the first ads started, because he was so incredibly frustrated having to live in my parents house. He told me that is why he posted the ad. 

In the past when I have asked him if he has any secret emails that I don't know about, he says no. He signs up for the email and doesn't use it or remember the password. I have used a gps tracker on his phone that he knew about and he said he felt like a child and didn't want to have it. He has also stated that he will just stop using the computer and the internet all together if I can't trust him anymore. I trusted him wholeheartedly until the day I found those ads. And I can forgive, but cannot forget. He said I need to get over the past... I can't. And I am all alone in my head trying to decide what to do.

I have tried to spice things up in the bedroom but sometimes he just wants to get it over with and go to sleep. He doesn't give me the same affection and attention like he used to outside of the bedroom either. He used to never be able to keep his hands off of me. Now, he doesn't seem to mind. As for his childhood, I am unsure of it. His grandma raised him and kept a tight leash on him. He never had a girlfriend until a few months before we met. And then we met, and things went quickly.

I just don't know what to do. I feel stupid for obsessing over this. But it burns me that I trusted him, and he did it again recently. I have never once thought of signing up for a dating site or emailing strangers. And the fact that he has, is what has broken my trust in him. Is there any resources that can help with counseling? I can't afford it. I just feel trapped and stuck. And I am frightened to talk to him. 

Thanks for reading...


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

HusbandX said:


> That's a fair comment, but if he's Bi does it have to be all over?
> ...
> Though I've never met a happily married couple where the husband was bi, but they must exist?



If they do, it's so rare it's almost unheard of.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

lostalone11 said:


> From past confrontations, when I ask him things, he blows up and twists my words around. Pretty much berating me for suggesting in the slightest that he was into guys. He once told me, "I don't have a gay bone in my body" He makes me feel stupid for asking him, yells, and has thrown/punched things. This is exactly why I am so terrified and keep the information to myself. We both severely bottle up our emotions, always have. It is so frustrating because I am so dependent on him.



OK, so you can't afford counseling and he's in total denial and gets violent if you even bring up the problem. I don't see any solution other than leaving the house, maybe going to your parents home or some place, and talking to him about this over the phone (so if he throws things, at least you and the children aren't around).


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The violent anger is a product of his insecurity. If he were hetero he would laugh it off and give you hot sex. You can stay in this marriage but you will harm your self esteem. Better to divorce and support his eventual coming out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

I am so sorry Lost. You need to talk to him with the proof that you have if you cannot afford the counseling maybe you can look into self educating both of yourselves through books. The first step after getting the ads is to talk to him. He may of had sex with strangers or he may just be in it for the thrill. Do any of the messages say he has had sex? The chance of him not of at least hooked up with one guy is so slim that I can't even imagine what it would be. Keep posting and I would keep talking to your mom as it seems like you are both in bad marriages and could use at least on friend to vent to.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

lostalone11 said:


> From past confrontations, when I ask him things, he blows up and twists my words around. Pretty much berating me for suggesting in the slightest that he was into guys. He once told me, "I don't have a gay bone in my body" He makes me feel stupid for asking him, yells, and has thrown/punched things. This is exactly why I am so terrified and keep the information to myself. We both severely bottle up our emotions, always have. It is so frustrating because I am so dependent on him.


 People use tactics on others to get what they want. And innocent people who are not used to these tactics get caught up in them, to a majorly mentally abusive degree. We don't see it for what it is because we are not skilled in this area. What you need to realise is that when he twists your words, that is a tactic. When he berates you, that's a tactic. When he gets angry, another tactic. All tactics to get you to shut up. 

When people have something to hide, they get defensive. Attack is the best form of defense....I am sure you have heard that before. 

All of this is manipulative behaviour. He is manipulating you, to get the outcome he desires. And it is as simple as that. You are his puppet and he is pulling your strings. And it works. 

My best advice to you so you can deal with this is to read as much as you can on here....cheating is rife with manipulative behaviour and you will see it again and again. And it is so clear when it is happening to someone else. You can see it objectively, you can see it without all the emotion of being embroiled in it. 

Also, Google manipulative behaviour, Google projection in behaviour, and read articles. They will help you immensely.

I have a manipulative step father, and a manipulative ex (father of my kids). We were together 11 years and I did not come to the full realisation of how much he manipulated me until 2 years after we split. I always considered myself to be pretty savvy too! And then....I met my current fella, and he manipulated me to a humungous degree. Massive. He was cheating. Then I started to read up on it. The best education I got was right here on this forum. And now I can see it a mile off. 

I am now 38 and due to my naive trusting and total honesty, even though I have had manipulative people close to me for huge chunks of my life, I only now in the last year realise fully the tricks and tactics that manipulative people use. It is impossible to see it fully until you educate yourself. Because some of us are just not wired like that.

We all have our responses that come subconsciously to situations. Become aware of yours and change your reactions. You will be shocked at the great results you can make happen. 

I have used my education in some major occurences, with my step dad (both him and my mother turned on me) and my fella. Both situations I stood firm knowing that what I knew was correct and what they were trying to pull over me was wrong. I got good results....eventually. I stood firm with my man and that had taken some time, a lot of time, and many break ups. I stood firm with my mum and step dad, they didn't speak to me for a month, and my mum finally said after 2 conversations of her trying to pin it on me (she is a doormat BTW and will do anything to keep the peace) that my step dad was out of order and wrong! This! This, was and is unheard of! 

I cannot recommend highly enough educating yourself on this behaviour trait. Because these people are EVERYWHERE! 




lostalone11 said:


> In the past when I have asked him if he has any secret emails that I don't know about, he says no. He signs up for the email and doesn't use it or remember the password. I have used a gps tracker on his phone that he knew about and he said he felt like a child and didn't want to have it. He has also stated that he will just stop using the computer and the internet all together if I can't trust him anymore. I trusted him wholeheartedly until the day I found those ads. And I can forgive, but cannot forget. He said I need to get over the past... I can't. And I am all alone in my head trying to decide what to do.


Those who do the damage and tell you to just get over it are hiding stuff. They DO NOT CARE. Don't think for one minute that they do. Course he wants you to 'just get over it'! He doesn't have to face anything and he gets to carry on. Refer back to my answer above. Manipulation! 

He says he felt like a child for having the gps....this make YOU feel guilty. The gps was something to make you feel better and more reassured after all he has done. And he does not accept it, does not want it. Therefore, he does not want to be tracked, and he does not see you being reassured as a priority. Him getting rid of the gps was more of a priority than reassuring you and fixing the relationship. Wrong! So very wrong.

See the ACTIONS. The words mean nothing....actually no, the words tell you exactly what in this case. You are not priority. But essentially you need to look at actions. NOT....NEVER the words, just the actions. 

Him stopping using the internet and computer...was that just a 'spit my dummy out and throw my toys out of the pram' moment? Did he mean it? Or was he throwing that at you? I assume the latter. I also assume he didn't stop using the computer and internet? 

Words, just words, to make you feel guilty and get a desired response. That is all they were. I refer back to manipulative behaviour. And you are being manipulated. Like a puppet. Because I guess your response was 'no, you don't have to do that; I don't want that, I just want you to stop; well that would make me happier (but he didn't comply)'. All assumed responses he did not address. He did not ask what you want to make you feel happier. Why? Because all he said it for was effect, and effect only. To get the desired response from you. 



lostalone11 said:


> I just don't know what to do. I feel stupid for obsessing over this.


Don't ever feel stupid! You are obsessing over this because you KNOW it is wrong. You just cannot put your finger on the what and the why. You know what and why, but he is easily manipulating you and so you doubt yourself. To a huge degree. Doubting yourself is your biggest weakness. Don't do it. When you educate yourself, doubting yourself will fade, assurety will be stronger.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

If you don't think you can live without him, at least always use rubbers.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Young gay men often have unsafe sex. HIV is only one disease to worry about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostalone11 (May 9, 2013)

After not catching anything odd since the end of March, and nothing during the last week after installing a keylogger, I finally found more proof of my husband's deception.

This morning at 7am, while myself and my children were asleep, he was looking in the casual encounters section of craigslist but looking for a transsexual. I'm pretty much done!

God, why did he do this to me??


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Better to know rather 10 years down the road. On the positive side at least you do not have to investigate an OW or dig in the details of an A. You must D and meet a straight man. There was a guy, coulditbeso, in the same situation as you. Try PM him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Gods I am so sorry. You will find someone else someone that loves you and appreciates you. Please keep posting the people here will help you any way they can.


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