# I Revenged cheated



## purple0939 (3 mo ago)

We have been married for 16 years . Me and him have been together for 19 years we were very young when we got married. He cheated on me in the first year of our marriage but I wanted to make it work . So after that he had 2 EA affairs over the years and each time I forgave. Last month his friend was sending him naked pics of his wife and I found out and just broke down . I lost it and this is were I crossed my line and I feel awful and now he will never forgive me. I ran into my ex a few days before I discovered the pictures and then I reached out to him on Facebook. Basically just breaking down what happen and feeling awful so he asked if I wanted to come up to work on Sunday since he is a bartender and I am okay. Well I ending up having sex with him because I tried to justify that my husband doesn't care at all about me. I then ended up having sex with 2 more times and chatting sending naked pics and videos before my husband discovered a discussion I was having with my enabling friend who basically says I should cheat. Then my caring husband who yes has made a few mistakes in his past was willing to forgive me because he never relaized how much it hurts to be cheated on. I just had to give all the details of the Affair well unforunatly I kept doing trickle truth thinking I can minimize what I had done. But each lie turned into another lie where now he cant belive me anymore and the sad thing is he kept giving me chances. I told him the absoulte worst of it but I did held something stupid back about it being 2 videos instead of 1 and that 1 of the videos was on fb messager .(edit) The video was me pleasing myself no face was shown not that is any better. so now I broke him down yet again with another lie so now he thinks there is something worse that I am not telling and I cant blame him. I dont know why I was so stupid he was giving me all these chances and I just sabatoged it . I love him so much and regret what I did. I was never going to contact my AP again . I gave him access to everything . I really wanted to make this work and I thought that by never having contact with AP was enough but I was wrong it needed to be more i just thought the details would hurt him more but it was my lying. So now I dont know if our relationship can ever be saved .


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He keeps cheating on you and doesn't appear to have any remorse. Yet you do have remorse. Why not dump him and move on from this PoS? Yes, it was wrong to have a revenge affair, but understandable under the circumstances. I hope your husband feels some of the hurt that he subjected you to over the years.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

I'm sorry, but your marriage sounds like a travesty drowning in a disaster. You and your husband need to part ways and move on for everyone's sake.

BTW, your caring husband keeps cheating on you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

purple0939 said:


> We have been married for 16 years . Me and him have been together for 19 years we were very young when we got married. He cheated on me in the first year of our marriage but I wanted to make it work . So after that he had 2 EA affairs over the years and each time I forgave. Last month his friend was sending him naked pics of his wife and I found out and just broke down . I lost it and this is were I crossed my line and I feel awful and now he will never forgive me. I ran into my ex a few days before I discovered the pictures and then I reached out to him on Facebook. Basically just breaking down what happen and feeling awful so he asked if I wanted to come up to work on Sunday since he is a bartender and I am okay. Well I ending up having sex with him because I tried to justify that my husband doesn't care at all about me. I then ended up having sex with 2 more times and chatting sending naked pics and videos before my husband discovered a discussion I was having with my enabling friend who basically says I should cheat. Then my caring husband who yes has made a few mistakes in his past was willing to forgive me because he never relaized how much it hurts to be cheated on. I just had to give all the details of the Affair well unforunatly I kept doing trickle truth thinking I can minimize what I had done. But each lie turned into another lie where now he cant belive me anymore and the sad thing is he kept giving me chances. I told him the absoulte worst of it but I did held something stupid back about it being 2 videos instead of 1 and that 1 of the videos was on fb messager so now I broke him down yet again with another lie so now he thinks there is something worse that I am not telling and I cant blame him. I dont know why I was so stupid he was giving me all these chances and I just sabatoged it . I love him so much and regret what I did. I was never going to contact my AP again . I gave him access to everything . I really wanted to make this work and I thought that by never having contact with AP was enough but I was wrong it needed to be more i just thought the details would hurt him more but it was my lying. So now I dont know if our relationship can ever be saved .


@purple0939 Welcome to the hell you allowed him to build, and you jumped right in.

He’s not a “caring” husband. He’s a cheater and a liar. And now so are you. 

You should divorce and start over for both your sakes.


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## purple0939 (3 mo ago)

Married but Happy said:


> He keeps cheating on you and doesn't appear to have any remorse. Yet you do have remorse. Why not dump him and move on from this PoS? Yes, it was wrong to have a revenge affair, but understandable under the circumstances. I hope your husband feels some of the hurt that he subjected you to over the years.


He wanted transparency about the details and i kept holding stuff back and that is not fair to him either. He says he never fully released how hurtful it was until this happened to him .


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

purple0939 said:


> He wanted transparency about the details and i kept holding stuff back and that is not fair to him either. He says he never fully released how hurtful it was until this happened to him .


The lying is _always_ the worst. Trickle Truth is extremely damaging. As you now know.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Boink boink boink your way to a better divorce.😵‍💫


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Way too much drama.
Just get an attorney and carve up the carcass.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Revenge really never solves anything. Your husband and you bring out the worst in each other and marriage shouldn’t feel like that. Just my opinion, I think you should move on, seek some counseling to help you heal and sort out why you have remained in this relationship. And forgive yourself. Hopefully, lessons learned.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

So let’s review.
Your husband had 2 EAs over the years and recently his friend sent him naked pics of his wife. (His friend sending him naked pics of his wife isn’t cheating by the way. Inappropriate and creepy maybe, but certainly not cheating on your husbands part.)

So basically in response to 2 EAs over the years, you gave yourself sexually to another man.
I’m not downplaying EAs, because I know they are devastating and can be marriage-ending on their own. 
But what you did is akin to shooting someone in the face for beating you up twice.

i’m not necessarily even opposed to revenge affairs, but what you did was a totally disproportional response. 
If his PAs broke your marriage enough that it was destroyed anyway, OK, fair enough. 
But if your marriage wasn’t dead, and you truly wanted to move past his EA‘s and have a future together, you probably just destroyed that completely.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Social media strikes again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DudeInProgress said:


> So let’s review.
> Your husband had 2 EAs over the years and recently his friend sent him naked pics of his wife. (His friend sending him naked pics of his wife isn’t cheating by the way. Inappropriate and creepy maybe, but certainly not cheating on your husbands part.)
> 
> So basically in response to 2 EAs over the years, you gave yourself sexually to another man.
> ...


He also cheated physically early in their marriage.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd be willing to bet that his affairs were a lot more than EAs, but that may be all that he was caught with and got away with a physical affair.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> So let’s review.
> Your husband had 2 EAs over the years and recently his friend sent him naked pics of his wife. (His friend sending him naked pics of his wife isn’t cheating by the way. Inappropriate and creepy maybe, but certainly not cheating on your husbands part.)
> 
> So basically in response to 2 EAs over the years, you gave yourself sexually to another man.
> ...


I believe he cheated on her in their first year of marriage, and then followed that up with the EA's. Those were then followed up by the nude pics of his friend's wife. Some friend by the way, wonder if the dude's wife knows he's showing her off.


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## purple0939 (3 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> So let’s review.
> Your husband had 2 EAs over the years and recently his friend sent him naked pics of his wife. (His friend sending him naked pics of his wife isn’t cheating by the way. Inappropriate and creepy maybe, but certainly not cheating on your husbands part.)
> 
> So basically in response to 2 EAs over the years, you gave yourself sexually to another man.
> ...


I guess it trigged me because he would get pictures and videos from his emotional affairs and here he is hiding it and it kept going on for over a year with his friends wife and they all knew and were just secretly laughing at me even though i know that they were not but in my mind they were. . I just felt like he hurt me all over again from the PA to the EA. I know it wasnt cheating but it crossed my boundary of no naked pics of people we know and he knew that . I know for 100 percent i over reacted and feel shame and guilt . I should of never done that . I am upset with myself because he was giving me a pass on of this and I kept screwing it up over and over again because something new came up about the details that I was ashamed to share.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He physically cheated on you, then had two EA’s, and you forgave all that but physically cheated on him because of nude pictures his friend sent? If you’re planning on staying together then I guess you could call it even. Don’t be surprised though if he decides he can’t forgive you the way you did him all those years ago. It’s always different when it happens to you. Plus, maybe he was more honest than you were? If he was, that could make a huge difference. Truthfully, you’ve got a very tough road ahead of you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

purple0939 said:


> I know it wasnt cheating but it crossed my boundary of no naked pics of people we know and he knew that


This explains your extreme reaction a bit better. It doesn’t change anything, but it’s easier to see your POV if this was a clear boundary because of previous EA’s and he violated it.


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## purple0939 (3 mo ago)

Openmind+s hed said:


> He physically cheated on you, then had two EA’s, and you forgave all that but physically cheated on him because of nude pictures his friend sent? If you’re planning on staying together then I guess you could call it even. Don’t be surprised though if he decides he can’t forgive you the way you did him all those years ago. It’s always different when it happens to you. Plus, maybe he was more honest than you were? If he was, that could make a huge difference. Truthfully, you’ve got a very tough road ahead of you.


It was more like a trigger for me I think . Like all the emotions came because he is being sneaky again and we had an agreement of no naked pictures of girls we know I dont think that is a hard boundry to follow . If his friend only sent his wife pics once but it was ongoing. I just snapped because i thought if he doesnt care then why should I . Obivously that was immature and stupid.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Have you’ve been married 16 years, or are you both 16 years old? Please clarify.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

purple0939 said:


> I guess it trigged me because he would get pictures and videos from his emotional affairs and here he is hiding it and it kept going on for over a year with his friends wife and they all knew and were just secretly laughing at me even though i know that they were not but in my mind they were. . I just felt like he hurt me all over again from the PA to the EA. I know it wasnt cheating but it crossed my boundary of no naked pics of people we know and he knew that . I know for 100 percent i over reacted and feel shame and guilt . I should of never done that . I am upset with myself because he was giving me a pass on of this and I kept screwing it up over and over again because something new came up about the details that I was ashamed to share.


1. Sorry, I didn’t catch the fact that he had a physical affair early in your marriage. Others have pointed that out now, which does change the equation a bit.
2. What do you mean by he was giving you a pass and you keep screwing it up?
You’ve obviously given him a few passes already. Is there more cheating / inappropriate behavior on your part, other than this one incident??


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## purple0939 (3 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Have you’ve been married 16 years, or are you both 16 years old? Please clarify.


We have been married 16 years


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## purple0939 (3 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> 1. I didn’t catch the fact that he had a physical affair early in your marriage. Others have pointed that out now, which does change the equation a bit.
> 2. What do you mean by he was giving you a pass and you keep screwing it up?
> You’ve obviously given him a few passes already. Is there more cheating / inappropriate behavior on your part, other than this one incident??


Okay so I originally told him it was only one time . Then I told him it was only twice . I lied about the places .I lied about it being only 1 video . I was trying to minimize the damage because it my mind details only hurt more but I kept lying and didnt spill until he said he was going to talk to my AP to see if he can verify it since I kept lying. Of course I just wanted to move on from the whole thing since I was not ever going to talk to him again. I have told him he could put keylogger on my phone and computer. I will never do this again.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

purple0939 said:


> We have been married 16 years


How many kids do you have?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Sorry, this marriage is toast, accept it and move on.


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## purple0939 (3 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> How many kids do you have?


We have 3.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What were the two EA affairs?

What was the first affair of his?

Was he completely honest with his affairs?

Why was the friend sending your husband naked pics of his wife?

So this other guy has videos of the two of you, why wouldn’t he post them on the web? Congrats, you’re the next amateur porn star!!!!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I believe the both of you need individual counseling before any decision about working it out can happen.

My wife has lied to me about other things and has really damaged our relationship because of them.


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## purple0939 (3 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> What were the two EA affairs?
> 
> What was the first affair of his?
> 
> ...


 He was sexting them. His first affair was physical and happen back in 06/07 No he wasnt I found out on my own and he had his own trickle truth. Because he wanted to brag about his wife. He doesnt have videos of us. I sent my AP on fb messager chat a video of me pleasing myself instead of snap chat so he probably saved it . I didnt include my face in any pics or videos. I should clarify that in my post. Which i feel disgusted about now but at least my face isnt in anything. I will say since we have been talking he was answering every question that i had asked about his past transgressions.


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## purple0939 (3 mo ago)

double posted sorry


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## purple0939 (3 mo ago)

duplicate (sorry)


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

purple0939 said:


> We have been married for 16 years . Me and him have been together for 19 years we were very young when we got married. He cheated on me in the first year of our marriage but I wanted to make it work . So after that he had 2 EA affairs over the years and each time I forgave. Last month his friend was sending him naked pics of his wife and I found out and just broke down . I lost it and this is were I crossed my line and I feel awful and now he will never forgive me. I ran into my ex a few days before I discovered the pictures and then I reached out to him on Facebook. Basically just breaking down what happen and feeling awful so he asked if I wanted to come up to work on Sunday since he is a bartender and I am okay. Well I ending up having sex with him because I tried to justify that my husband doesn't care at all about me. I then ended up having sex with 2 more times and chatting sending naked pics and videos before my husband discovered a discussion I was having with my enabling friend who basically says I should cheat. Then my caring husband who yes has made a few mistakes in his past was willing to forgive me because he never relaized how much it hurts to be cheated on. I just had to give all the details of the Affair well unforunatly I kept doing trickle truth thinking I can minimize what I had done. But each lie turned into another lie where now he cant belive me anymore and the sad thing is he kept giving me chances. I told him the absoulte worst of it but I did held something stupid back about it being 2 videos instead of 1 and that 1 of the videos was on fb messager .(edit) The video was me pleasing myself no face was shown not that is any better. so now I broke him down yet again with another lie so now he thinks there is something worse that I am not telling and I cant blame him. I dont know why I was so stupid he was giving me all these chances and I just sabatoged it . I love him so much and regret what I did. I was never going to contact my AP again . I gave him access to everything . I really wanted to make this work and I thought that by never having contact with AP was enough but I was wrong it needed to be more i just thought the details would hurt him more but it was my lying. So now I dont know if our relationship can ever be saved .


No offense but are you sure this is so great? Maybe you got married young and don't have any context to know there is better. Just saying.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

His cheating obviously doesn’t give you a green light to cheat. But I don’t know why you stayed with him for so long. He’s a loser and doesn’t love you.

Like others have said, you both need to divorce and move on. Your marriage is a disaster and it’s not going to get better. So why waste more years of your life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Revenge cheating is a terrible idea but after his 3 affairs(at least) and the friend sending him naked pics of his wife which is also totally out of order, I have no idea why you stayed with such an awful liar and cheat.
He has no right whatsoever to criticise you however after his appalling behaviour.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

He can still share the video with friends saying “check out what Purple sent me”. So if the two of you have mutual friends from the past it doesn’t matter if your face isn’t in the video. Face if , any guy that would **** another man’s wife is a POS. He will share the video for his own ego and to shred your husband. He can easily show a photo of your face with the video.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

It is pointless for people who have acquired the habit of lying constantly to expect honesty.

Isn't ending your marriage a better option?

unrelated to the topic, but I think you're lying here as well about the length of your relationships, the number of om's and what you share with om's.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

purple0939 said:


> We have been married 16 years


No, only fourteen years. After the first time he cheated the marriage contract was nullified. You two have just been roommates since then.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

purple0939 said:


> We have been married for 16 years . Me and him have been together for 19 years we were very young when we got married. He cheated on me in the first year of our marriage but I wanted to make it work . So after that he had 2 EA affairs over the years and each time I forgave. Last month his friend was sending him naked pics of his wife and I found out and just broke down . I lost it and this is were I crossed my line and I feel awful and now he will never forgive me. I ran into my ex a few days before I discovered the pictures and then I reached out to him on Facebook. Basically just breaking down what happen and feeling awful so he asked if I wanted to come up to work on Sunday since he is a bartender and I am okay. Well I ending up having sex with him because I tried to justify that my husband doesn't care at all about me. I then ended up having sex with 2 more times and chatting sending naked pics and videos before my husband discovered a discussion I was having with my enabling friend who basically says I should cheat. Then my caring husband who yes has made a few mistakes in his past was willing to forgive me because he never relaized how much it hurts to be cheated on. I just had to give all the details of the Affair well unforunatly I kept doing trickle truth thinking I can minimize what I had done. But each lie turned into another lie where now he cant belive me anymore and the sad thing is he kept giving me chances. I told him the absoulte worst of it but I did held something stupid back about it being 2 videos instead of 1 and that 1 of the videos was on fb messager .(edit) The video was me pleasing myself no face was shown not that is any better. so now I broke him down yet again with another lie so now he thinks there is something worse that I am not telling and I cant blame him. I dont know why I was so stupid he was giving me all these chances and I just sabatoged it . I love him so much and regret what I did. I was never going to contact my AP again . I gave him access to everything . I really wanted to make this work and I thought that by never having contact with AP was enough but I was wrong it needed to be more i just thought the details would hurt him more but it was my lying. So now I dont know if our relationship can ever be saved .


You claim to love your husband, but riding the carousel with another guy or guys several times, naked photos and videos is certainly not love.
Also you should do the right thing and tell the wife of your husband`s friend that he`s showing his mates naked pictures of her. Sounds to me the whole lot are an unsavory crowd.
Sorry, but it appears you and your husband deserve each other, a relationship of lies, cheating and deceit.
Placing trackers and letting your husband see your phone is like closing the barn door after the horse has bolted. I think your relationship has crossed too far over the boundaries and to the point of no return.
But best of luck if you can manage to salvage your marriage, even if just for the children`s sake who are the real victims in all this.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your husband cheated on you, had two emotional affairs and was looking at naked pics his friend sent of his wife.....did I read that right? That is so messed up. Where is the maturity of these men? You cannot emotionally take all this and you reach out for support or help and you are in the hot seat? Did your husband have an ounce of remorse for his actions? Your husband is not a kind loving husband that you have done wrong. You reacted to his wrong doing and now you feel guilty but that is because you have a conscience and he does not. He will try to pin the blame on you. If he can get you to focus on what you did that takes the heat off what he did. Actions create reactions.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

AVR1962 said:


> Your husband cheated on you, had two emotional affairs and was looking at naked pics his friend sent of his wife.....did I read that right? That is so messed up. Where is the maturity of these men? You cannot emotionally take all this and you reach out for support or help and you are in the hot seat? Did your husband have an ounce of remorse for his actions? Your husband is not a kind loving husband that you have done wrong. You reacted to his wrong doing and now you feel guilty but that is because you have a conscience and he does not. He will try to pin the blame on you. If he can get you to focus on what you did that takes the heat off what he did. Actions create reactions.


The men are teenagers at best, OP, well, all things being fair and if we attribute adult motivations, her motivations are facetious and as much as she values her body, giving it to rage, so much everyone must value it. The sum of such value is zero in perpetuity.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Let me put it this way: yours was physical. His was not. He has the upper hand in divorce proceedings, and a good lawyer would completely ream you out and leave you with nothing but scorched earth. I just love people who retaliate to the nth degree. When the retaliation is compared to the original crime, basically a sling-shot vs a nuclear weapon, the revenger keeps saying that this was their form of justice. And they keep repeating this familiar song all through a breakup and divorce. Still standing on their scale of justice, while the ex spouse goes off and has a new life. I had a woman whose husband worked late. Very late. She thought he was having an affair. She said that she wanted a separation, as it was obvious to her that he was cheating. He had proof that he was not, she was unwilling to acknowledge it. So she slept with a guy from work and told her BH that she got him back. He went really, got me back for what? She stated again that she just knew he was ****ing around on her. He sent her proof for every instance that she thought he was with another woman, he was actually working, in meetings and basically killing himself for her. She kept repeating, but we were separated, we were separated. He called her a child. He told her that was the last straw. Separation just to keep peace is what he allowed, this was it. She never anticipated that she could be in the wrong. He first announced that the separation was turning into divorce. Her mom called him and after hearing what her daughter did, she wished her ex son in law the best and hoped he could fix his life after her daughter's idiotic actions. The husband in this case divorced. He let their friends know what had happened. WW had an awfully full dance card, of guys that wanted into her pants, then wanted to go home immediately afterward. She fell into a depression that hospitalized her. She kept begging that her husband forgive her. Basically, a year after the d was final, he moved away to be with a woman he met a few months after his wife betrayed him. WW has never recovered. Her family believes that they will eventually have to institutionalize her.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

You never had a good marriage, then you threw another granade into it, and now you are sitting here pining for something you never had in the first place. The two of you have NEVER had any respect in your relationship.

Get divorced, work on yourself, and maybe one day you will be capable of having a healthy relationship with mutual respect. The only ones I feel sorry for in this situation are those poor kids.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Taxman said:


> Let me put it this way: yours was physical. His was not. He has the upper hand in divorce proceedings, and a good lawyer would completely ream you out and leave you with nothing but scorched earth. I just love people who retaliate to the nth degree. When the retaliation is compared to the original crime, basically a sling-shot vs a nuclear weapon, the revenger keeps saying that this was their form of justice.


If she lives in a no-fault state what does it matter?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Taxman said:


> Let me put it this way: yours was physical. His was not.


He had a physical affair early in the marriage followed by 2 EA's and the friends pics.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Taxman said:


> Let me put it this way: yours was physical. His was not. He has the upper hand in divorce proceedings, and a good lawyer would completely ream you out and leave you with nothing but scorched earth. I just love people who retaliate to the nth degree. When the retaliation is compared to the original crime, basically a sling-shot vs a nuclear weapon, the revenger keeps saying that this was their form of justice. And they keep repeating this familiar song all through a breakup and divorce. Still standing on their scale of justice, while the ex spouse goes off and has a new life. I had a woman whose husband worked late. Very late. She thought he was having an affair. She said that she wanted a separation, as it was obvious to her that he was cheating. He had proof that he was not, she was unwilling to acknowledge it. So she slept with a guy from work and told her BH that she got him back. He went really, got me back for what? She stated again that she just knew he was ****ing around on her. He sent her proof for every instance that she thought he was with another woman, he was actually working, in meetings and basically killing himself for her. She kept repeating, but we were separated, we were separated. He called her a child. He told her that was the last straw. Separation just to keep peace is what he allowed, this was it. She never anticipated that she could be in the wrong. He first announced that the separation was turning into divorce. Her mom called him and after hearing what her daughter did, she wished her ex son in law the best and hoped he could fix his life after her daughter's idiotic actions. The husband in this case divorced. He let their friends know what had happened. WW had an awfully full dance card, of guys that wanted into her pants, then wanted to go home immediately afterward. She fell into a depression that hospitalized her. She kept begging that her husband forgive her. Basically, a year after the d was final, he moved away to be with a woman he met a few months after his wife betrayed him. WW has never recovered. Her family believes that they will eventually have to institutionalize her.


I have no such tales but my own. Once a woman slips into bed for a moment, filled with the DNA of another guy it's the end. She has herself to blame for the streets or whatever other place she winds up in. Women retain the DNA of other men. F them if they cheat. I have no time for them.

As for the sensibilities of the forum, men who go behind their wives backs are scum, but that is ethical, not biological.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You essentially have had an open marriage without officially announcing it.

Perhaps just proceed with that or divorce.

You haven't had and will never have an honest & traditional marriage with all this cheating.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

re16 said:


> You essentially have had an open marriage without officially announcing it.
> 
> Perhaps just proceed with that or divorce.
> 
> You haven't had and will never have an honest & traditional marriage with all this cheating.


That's my take. Why upset the boat now? It hasn't really changed their quality of life other than now the poor broken-hearted boy is mad at her. Tell him to go bang all the women he wants and OP can continue seeing her ex.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

My life experience has shown me that people are very rarely caught the first time they do something. If you have any experience with habitual liars, it starts with clever, well thought out lies and eventually, after getting away with it for a long time, they get cocky and careless. That is when they get caught. That is why I am skeptical that you know any more than the snowflake perched on the top of the iceberg that is the reality of your husband's affairs. He's been doing this to you for your entire marriage, you found out some of it, but even though this will not be a popular opinion, I do not believe he has told you everything.

IMHO, breaking marriage vows nullifies them. When he cheated, that is when your marriage effectively ended. Ever since then, you've been rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. 

You should not have cheated. You were wrong to do that. But I don't think you were wrong for the reason all the other posters think you were: I think you were wrong because you should have been single already. I don't think your big mistake here is cheating; I think your big mistake was wasting almost 20 years of your life on someone who doesn't love you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or hurts your feelings, I know you're going through a lot and it seems like I'm kicking you when you're down. But you asked for advice, so I will risk it and give you what I think is solid advice. It's advice from an internet stranger and worth what you're paying for it.

IMHO, you need to divorce. Now. There's nothing to save. It's been over for a long time, your marriage is such a zombie it's just tattered pants and some rotten flesh, maybe an eyeball. Then I think you need to take some time, some REAL time, on your own. (End it with your AP. If someone will cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. You've already wasted years on a cheater, learn from your mistakes) Rent your own place (with a roommate if you need to) and pay your own bills for a while. I think you should take time to get to know yourself, plus I think you need to realize that you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. It will help your self esteem and give you the perspective to make better choices next time.

ETA: Forgive yourself for cheating. It was wrong, you know it. Move on and do better. There's a line from one of my favorite movies to the effect that a wolf will chew off it's own paw to save itself from a trap. IMO, that is what you did when you cheated. You were giving yourself an escape from this horrible circus of a marriage, you were in effect saving yourself. Finish saving yourself.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Married but Happy said:



I'd be willing to bet that his affairs were a lot more than EAs, but that may be all that he was caught with and got away with a physical affair.

Click to expand...

*I'm equally willing to bet that lover boy's had a lot more than 3 affairs.

There were NO consequences each time he did it - the OP just swallowed another **** sandwich and stayed with him. So why on earth would he act like a choir boy when he doesn't have to?

OP, you've only seen the tip of the iceberg with this guy. It's extremely naive to believe that you caught him the "3 times" that he cheated. You simply caught him 3 times out of a possible 10 or 20 different times. Because you know what? For every rat you *DO* see, there are 50 you *DON'T*.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> So let’s review.
> Your husband had 2 EAs over the years and recently his friend sent him naked pics of his wife. (His friend sending him naked pics of his wife isn’t cheating by the way. Inappropriate and creepy maybe, but certainly not cheating on your husbands part.)
> 
> So basically in response to 2 EAs over the years, you gave yourself sexually to another man.
> ...


This and more this

he couldnt said it any better

your husband didnt cheat - and honestly we are not sure what you mean with his emotional affair - and his friend sending picture is not cheating - may be he is playing cool guy. 
your husband didnt cheat on you

you cheated on your husband BEFORE EVEN FINDING OUT about his friend photos 

not only that - you send nude photos of yourself to someone - these will never go away and will always stay with someone and eventually will make it to everyone to see. 

we all have up and downs - but physically cheating is a redline and I'm shocked he is still with you - specially after all the lies

question
did you use protection? and did you sleep with your husband after that?
did you sleep with your partner in your house?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

purple0939 said:


> We have 3.


This is the sad thing about this entire situation. You and your husband's immaturity and selfishness have potentially blown up your kids world and for what?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Then you made a very childish and petty choice. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He had a physical affair first. Then some sexting with two different women. Then whatever his friend sent him. You had a physical affair. Start over or move on. I think moving on is the better choice if you think he won’t get beyond your affair.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> ... You cannot emotionally take all this and you *reach out for support or help* and you are in the hot seat?


That's a pretty minimized take on her revenge ****ing her ex-boyfriend.
Her husband is a selfish cheating scumbag and he had the affairs that he did for his own selfish needs. She intentionally went and screwed her ex-boyfriend to get vindictive revenge on her husband, not for her needs. There are no innocents in this, each is equally treacherous. They both need some serious IC. I'm torn about whether they should divorce or stay together so no one else is subjected to their cheating ways. For the OP to maintain any semblance of sanity she needs a divorce and hopefully, she can work on herself and become a safe partner for future relationships.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

purple0939 said:


> We have been married for 16 years . Me and him have been together for 19 years we were very young when we got married. He cheated on me in the first year of our marriage but I wanted to make it work . So after that he had 2 EA affairs over the years and each time I forgave. Last month his friend was sending him naked pics of his wife and I found out and just broke down . I lost it and this is were I crossed my line and I feel awful and now he will never forgive me. I ran into my ex a few days before I discovered the pictures and then I reached out to him on Facebook. Basically just breaking down what happen and feeling awful so he asked if I wanted to come up to work on Sunday since he is a bartender and I am okay. Well I ending up having sex with him because I tried to justify that my husband doesn't care at all about me. I then ended up having sex with 2 more times and chatting sending naked pics and videos before my husband discovered a discussion I was having with my enabling friend who basically says I should cheat. Then my caring husband who yes has made a few mistakes in his past was willing to forgive me because he never relaized how much it hurts to be cheated on. I just had to give all the details of the Affair well unforunatly I kept doing trickle truth thinking I can minimize what I had done. But each lie turned into another lie where now he cant belive me anymore and the sad thing is he kept giving me chances. I told him the absoulte worst of it but I did held something stupid back about it being 2 videos instead of 1 and that 1 of the videos was on fb messager .(edit) The video was me pleasing myself no face was shown not that is any better. so now I broke him down yet again with another lie so now he thinks there is something worse that I am not telling and I cant blame him. I dont know why I was so stupid he was giving me all these chances and I just sabatoged it . I love him so much and regret what I did. I was never going to contact my AP again . I gave him access to everything . I really wanted to make this work and I thought that by never having contact with AP was enough but I was wrong it needed to be more i just thought the details would hurt him more but it was my lying. So now I dont know if our relationship can ever be saved .


You should just divorce, there is a very high percentage chance he will be cheating on you with reckless abandon. You justified your cheating using his, he has a strong record of unfaithfulness and now has an excuse too.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

purple0939 said:


> We have been married for 16 years . Me and him have been together for 19 years we were very young when we got married. He cheated on me in the first year of our marriage but I wanted to make it work . So after that he had 2 EA affairs over the years and each time I forgave. Last month his friend was sending him naked pics of his wife and I found out and just broke down . I lost it and this is were I crossed my line and I feel awful and now he will never forgive me. I ran into my ex a few days before I discovered the pictures and then I reached out to him on Facebook. Basically just breaking down what happen and feeling awful so he asked if I wanted to come up to work on Sunday since he is a bartender and I am okay. Well I ending up having sex with him because I tried to justify that my husband doesn't care at all about me. I then ended up having sex with 2 more times and chatting sending naked pics and videos before my husband discovered a discussion I was having with my enabling friend who basically says I should cheat. Then my caring husband who yes has made a few mistakes in his past was willing to forgive me because he never relaized how much it hurts to be cheated on. I just had to give all the details of the Affair well unforunatly I kept doing trickle truth thinking I can minimize what I had done. But each lie turned into another lie where now he cant belive me anymore and the sad thing is he kept giving me chances. I told him the absoulte worst of it but I did held something stupid back about it being 2 videos instead of 1 and that 1 of the videos was on fb messager .(edit) The video was me pleasing myself no face was shown not that is any better. so now I broke him down yet again with another lie so now he thinks there is something worse that I am not telling and I cant blame him. I dont know why I was so stupid he was giving me all these chances and I just sabatoged it . I love him so much and regret what I did. I was never going to contact my AP again . I gave him access to everything . I really wanted to make this work and I thought that by never having contact with AP was enough but I was wrong it needed to be more i just thought the details would hurt him more but it was my lying. So now I dont know if our relationship can ever be saved .


From experience I say yes it can, but both of you must agree to tell all to each other, ask and answer each other’s questions honestly and in as much detail as you can both handle. If your love is real, it will be reborn and stronger, you both now have a common goal and history sadly but it can be delt with and you can move forward to something more.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Some people are born cheaters , others it goes against their every thing , your husband is one you are the other , what you did is very common reaction to finding out you were cheated on , 

now it is time to rebuild your life with out your husband


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Wow. this is truly, sadly a major train wreck. I'm not sure this is repairable.
But for the sake of the kids, maybe one last try?

Do you belong to any church, or religious organization? I would recommend secular professional counseling with additional religious counseling if applicable.
A good, hard nosed marriage counselor should be able to discern whether this train wreck is salvageable or not. 
A Minister, Priest, Iman, Guru might help you kick the devil out of your marriage and set you on the right path and and long term accountability.
Online forum wisdom/advice is only serviceable up to a point and shouldn't be the last word, if you really want to patch this thing together.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

purple0939 said:


> We have been married for 16 years . Me and him have been together for 19 years
> 
> .........He cheated on me in the first year of our marriage but I wanted to make it work . So after that he had 2 EA affairs over the years and each time I forgave. Last month his friend was sending him naked pics of his wife and I found out and just broke down .
> 
> ...





purple0939 said:


> *It was more like a trigger for me *I think . Like all the emotions came because he is being sneaky again and we had an agreement of no naked pictures of girls we know I dont think that is a hard boundry to follow . If his friend only sent his wife pics once but it was ongoing. *I just snapped because i thought if he doesnt care then why should I . Obivously that was immature and stupid.*





purple0939 said:


> We have 3 (children).


Married 16 years with 3 children. Wow. What do you want and what does your husband want? If neither want to divorce, then you are both going to have to commit to a long hard road of rebuilding trust in your marriage, and even that may not be possible. It will probably require years of marriage counseling. 

If either is not committed to saving the marriage, then your marriage is doomed. Sorry.

You clearly understand the stupidity of what you did. That is a good start. You excused is, because either you were emotionally hurt, or you wanted to subconsciously destroy your marriage. In your posts you used the word sabotage, and I think that is likely what you did. Now you need to figure out if you may ever do anything subconsciously to sabotage your marriage again in the future. 

It should also be clear by now with your H's PA and EA's that he has some real commitment to your marriage problems. You need to figure out if when "you forgave him," if you were rug sweeping as opposed to seriously discussing the problem and setting behavioral boundaries for your marriage to continue or "red lines" that would end the marriage. Your post sounds like you understand the difference and need for hard boundaries and just things that make you uncomfortable.

The advice I was given regarding the length of marriage counseling was about a month for every year of marriage problems, maybe more or less depending on your and your H's ability to honestly communicate and the skill of your marriage counselor. So it sounds like maybe 15 months of counseling, give or take. You need to sit down with your H, understand each of your feelings about continuing this marriage, understand your priorities to making it work, if you choose that option and whether enough you will put in the effort long enough to make it work.

Good luck. I don't envy you, your husband or your three children. With luck you just might save your marriage.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I won't be judgemental...Live with it , or Get rid of it...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

purple0939 said:


> We have been married for 16 years . Me and him have been together for 19 years we were very young when we got married. He cheated on me in the first year of our marriage but I wanted to make it work . So after that he had 2 EA affairs over the years and each time I forgave. Last month his friend was sending him naked pics of his wife and I found out and just broke down . I lost it and this is were I crossed my line and I feel awful and now he will never forgive me. I ran into my ex a few days before I discovered the pictures and then I reached out to him on Facebook. Basically just breaking down what happen and feeling awful so he asked if I wanted to come up to work on Sunday since he is a bartender and I am okay. Well I ending up having sex with him because I tried to justify that my husband doesn't care at all about me. I then ended up having sex with 2 more times and chatting sending naked pics and videos before my husband discovered a discussion I was having with my enabling friend who basically says I should cheat. Then my caring husband who yes has made a few mistakes in his past was willing to forgive me because he never relaized how much it hurts to be cheated on. I just had to give all the details of the Affair well unforunatly I kept doing trickle truth thinking I can minimize what I had done. But each lie turned into another lie where now he cant belive me anymore and the sad thing is he kept giving me chances. I told him the absoulte worst of it but I did held something stupid back about it being 2 videos instead of 1 and that 1 of the videos was on fb messager .(edit) The video was me pleasing myself no face was shown not that is any better. so now I broke him down yet again with another lie so now he thinks there is something worse that I am not telling and I cant blame him. I dont know why I was so stupid he was giving me all these chances and I just sabatoged it . I love him so much and regret what I did. I was never going to contact my AP again . I gave him access to everything . I really wanted to make this work and I thought that by never having contact with AP was enough but I was wrong it needed to be more i just thought the details would hurt him more but it was my lying. So now I dont know if our relationship can ever be saved .


it is wrong to cheat and I dont think revenge cheating makes a person feel better but to be honest your WH had it coming. He has absolutely no leg to stand on being a serial cheater. You cheated to get him to care, the problem is he does not care for you, you need to accept this cold hard reality, otherwise he would not be out cheating on you more than once. Time to get yourself and IC and a lawyer, you cannot change him and now you have given him ammunition.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

purple0939 said:


> He wanted transparency about the details and i kept holding stuff back and that is not fair to him either. He says he never fully released how hurtful it was until this happened to him .


Infidelity, the gift that keeps on giving. You are both toxic time to go your separate ways


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

[


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

@purple0939. Any update ? Your story caught my eye , a friend of mine , has almost exactly the same story


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## purple0939 (3 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> @purple0939. Any update ? Your story caught my eye , a friend of mine , has almost exactly the same story


Right now we are trying to work through it . We are still together taking it one day at a time.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

The old marriage is dead. The two of you have to build a new one if he is able to grow up. But I think you need to be realistic: you married a serial cheater. They do not change.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

More often than not - what % manage to change?




ArthurGPym said:


> The old marriage is dead. The two of you have to build a new one if he is able to grow up. But I think you need to be realistic: you married a serial cheater. They do not change.


Add to the mix - you have provided 'ammo' he can shoot at you regarding "who is doing what/worse"

suggest you begin plotting (!) two paths forward - one being moving on to a life without your WS.
the other - how to deal with WS with milestones for goals to be attained on his path to "no longer a cheater."


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## MeridethBerkshire (2 mo ago)

purple0939 said:


> We have been married for 16 years . Me and him have been together for 19 years we were very young when we got married. He cheated on me in the first year of our marriage but I wanted to make it work . So after that he had 2 EA affairs over the years and each time I forgave. Last month his friend was sending him naked pics of his wife and I found out and just broke down . I lost it and this is were I crossed my line and I feel awful and now he will never forgive me. I ran into my ex a few days before I discovered the pictures and then I reached out to him on Facebook. Basically just breaking down what happen and feeling awful so he asked if I wanted to come up to work on Sunday since he is a bartender and I am okay. Well I ending up having sex with him because I tried to justify that my husband doesn't care at all about me. I then ended up having sex with 2 more times and chatting sending naked pics and videos before my husband discovered a discussion I was having with my enabling friend who basically says I should cheat. Then my caring husband who yes has made a few mistakes in his past was willing to forgive me because he never relaized how much it hurts to be cheated on. I just had to give all the details of the Affair well unforunatly I kept doing trickle truth thinking I can minimize what I had done. But each lie turned into another lie where now he cant belive me anymore and the sad thing is he kept giving me chances. I told him the absoulte worst of it but I did held something stupid back about it being 2 videos instead of 1 and that 1 of the videos was on fb messager .(edit) The video was me pleasing myself no face was shown not that is any better. so now I broke him down yet again with another lie so now he thinks there is something worse that I am not telling and I cant blame him. I dont know why I was so stupid he was giving me all these chances and I just sabatoged it . I love him so much and regret what I did. I was never going to contact my AP again . I gave him access to everything . I really wanted to make this work and I thought that by never having contact with AP was enough but I was wrong it needed to be more i just thought the details would hurt him more but it was my lying. So now I dont know if our relationship can ever be saved .


The question is yours to answer. Of course you could save your relationship due to the time in service. Sounds terrible you two hurt each other but if either of you could go on and have a relationship with other people in the future then there is no reason you couldn't have it with one another and play some kind of agreement to forget. Life is not full of guaranteed anythings so...you have to be realistic.


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