# Loving who you're with



## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

I found an interesting statement on a marriage improvement website.

I thought I would open it up for discussion. Do you agree with the following statement?

_The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person;
it's learning to love the person you found._

I will give my opinion in a bit.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

100%.. There is no real right or wrong person unless abuse is part of it. The problem in most relationships is we have an idea of what our perfect person is and sadly most NEVER live up to it. I suffer from this and it was pointed out in MC. I treat my wife in a way cause she's not doing what "I" think she should be instead of loving her for who she is.. It's a bad behaviour I plan on working hard on changing.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I agree with that statement. maybe not 100% b/c there is something about my h that is different from any other guy ive ever met, but for the most part id agree.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I could never find the "perfect person" they don't exist or my standards would change over time.

Sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side.


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

That statement only works if both parties live by it. It's hard to love someone who isn't in love with you and shows it.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

They Call Me Smooth said:


> That statement only works if both parties live by it. It's hard to love someone who isn't in love with you and shows it.


You can't think like that.. Since you are the only person you can control change or how you treat somebody starts with "YOU".. If you be the best person you can and the other person doesn't then you have a choice to accept them or move on..


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> You can't think like that.. Since you are the only person you can control change or how you treat somebody starts with "YOU".. If you be the best person you can and the other person doesn't then you have a choice to accept them or move on..


Maybe my point was lost, sorry. I'm not saying you need to make the other person think like you. I'm saying if you love the one you're with and they don't well it just doesn't work out now does it. Both parties need to be willing to love the one they are with regardless if that person is there "perfect person" or not. Anything less means it will fail because like you said "you are the only person you can control".


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I agree with the statement ONLY if both sides are involved. What I see more of and its unfortunate, with a couple only one person is working on it wheile the other only demands their way or plays head games.

so... the idea of loving the one your with or learning how isn't how good relationships are made. It does take 2.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I pretty much agree with the thread. I could pretty much get on with almost any woman given time. Obviously I have preferences, but I love how each woman is so different.

In my own marriage I think we are both quite shocked at how well it's working out. (Gee I hope my wife does not see this ).


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

Okay, now I will give my input.

I *don't* completely agree with the statement. I think there are "better matches" and "worse matches." However, I don't think there are one-and-only soulmates, either.

Mainly I think that people who won't match, are people who are mis-matched in maturity level. If someone is fairly emotionally (or intellectually, etc.) mature and the other person is significantly less mature, the match won't be the best and will take either so much hard work, or lots of settling but not being fully happy.

I think a lot of time what happens especially when people marry young, is one person grows up a lot, and the other person doesn't, and over time they become essentially incompatible. 

It might not be maturity level, it might just be something else, like one person is highly intellectual, and the other person isn't, and over time the highly intellectual person craves the kind of discussion he or she could have with someone who is better matched that way. Sure s/he could try to satisfy that need outside the marriage but if that need is really important, over time it will create problems. 

Same thing with incompatible sex drives, etc. etc. Especially with sex, because as another poster stated so well in another thread, with other needs you can try to get them met outside of the marriage, but with sex, you *CAN'T* get that outside of the marriage (well, you're not supposed to, anyway.)


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Started out, "Hey cutie, where are you from?" Turned into, "Oh no, what have I done?"


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

"I don't even know my last name, my Momma would be so ashamed"


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

A lot of good points here. Ingrid has particularly good insight.

To continue the discussion, if a mature person is a bad match to an immature person, is it better for a immature person to match with another immature person? Or is it going to be problem with an immature anyway?

Is an intellect better off with another similarly intelligent person? I struggle with this a lot. It sounds snobbish. Shouldn't we reserve intellectual discussion with friends and romance with spouse? But in reality there will always going to be crashes because of different world view. How big a problem can this be? Would it work it if one of them have a lot of respect to the more intelligent one?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Ingrid said:


> I think a lot of time what happens especially when people marry young, is one person grows up a lot, and the other person doesn't, and over time they become essentially incompatible.


I belive this is my situation. My wife was 16 when we met and I was 20.. After we were married I kept growingup. More responsibilities and she had less. Kind of following me around. Now 15 years later she is struggling finding herself cause she allowed our marriage to go the way it has. She still has yet to take responsibility for what she did to make our marriage the way it is. Hopefully the MC will teach her that.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

aurorazz said:


> A lot of good points here. Ingrid has particularly good insight.
> 
> To continue the discussion, if a mature person is a bad match to an immature person, is it better for a immature person to match with another immature person? Or is it going to be problem with an immature anyway?
> 
> Is an intellect better off with another similarly intelligent person? I struggle with this a lot. It sounds snobbish. Shouldn't we reserve intellectual discussion with friends and romance with spouse? But in reality there will always going to be crashes because of different world view. How big a problem can this be? Would it work it if one of them have a lot of respect to the more intelligent one?



I think immaturity is a problem in a relationship universally. As far as an intelligent person and a stupid person..well..I know for a fact if I couldnt have an intelligent conversation with my wife I would not have married her in the first place. Two sayings come to mind. 1. Never underestimate the cleverness of a fool. And 2. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.


Oh and one more thing. If you cant be with the one you love, honey, love the one your with. Love the one your with. Doo do do doo do doo.do doo doo.do doo doo.

John


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I think the process of learning to create a stable relationship and love the person your with is like any activity, most people can play a little, some people are better than others, those that really excel and those that don't even pay attention.

I agree with the statement and with the assertion of the posts that it needs to come from both people. I think there could be a minimum amount of effort needed from each individually and a minimum amount in total to make a relationship stable.

One person can do most of the work for a long time, but should that person ever decide to reduce thier effort the relationship tumbles apart, with them left asking why the other person wasn't able to hold things together.

I dont necessarily think that likes attract, smart people with smart people. Generally book smart people aren't very people smart, and vice-versa. If neither person is good with people and they hook up, niehter will have the skills to put up with the other one and they will not be together long.

A person needs to be ready to get into a relationship, not just horny, to find someone they can accept for that role. If someone is not ready when they get married eventually they figure out its voluentary. If your not willing to make your best choice and accept what you get then you will be unhappy. I think this is why arranged marrigaes have lower rates of divorce than western romantic ones. They grow up knowing they will have to accept what they get, we grow up thinking we can trade up till we get the perfect person.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Gomez said:


> I think the process of learning to create a stable relationship and love the person your with is like any activity, most people can play a little, some people are better than others, those that really excel and those that don't even pay attention.
> 
> I agree with the statement and with the assertion of the posts that it needs to come from both people. I think there could be a minimum amount of effort needed from each individually and a minimum amount in total to make a relationship stable.
> 
> ...


Very well stated. I agree.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Marriages are treated like throw away options instead of a life long commitment. As I heard from the movie "Fireproof" Most people say for better or worse but they only really mean for better.. When times get tough it's easy to run. Yet as I pointed out to my wife there are 4 lives at stake.. Be very careful in your choices cause you can't go back that easy.. I am a firm believer unless there is a major problem like physical abuse/drugs/afairs that both sides should make every effort to make it better. Still most times you don't have 2 people that feel the same way.. One usually has a stronger drive then the oter..


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> Marriages are treated like throw away options instead of a life long commitment. As I heard from the movie "Fireproof" Most people say for better or worse but they only really mean for better.. When times get tough it's easy to run. Yet as I pointed out to my wife there are 4 lives at stake.. Be very careful in your choices cause you can't go back that easy.. I am a firm believer unless there is a major problem like physical abuse/drugs/afairs that both sides should make every effort to make it better. Still most times you don't have 2 people that feel the same way.. One usually has a stronger drive then the oter..


When people marry for the wrong reasons or have unrealistic expectations there is generally no hope in a marriage. The 2 main reasons people divorce.

People should wait a little longer to marry and not marry in their 20's.... make their own lives and establish themselves in the world before marrying... it would be better for marriages.
I know many people who married young, right out of high school... and none of them are happily married but stuck....
and stuck is a bad place to be. If they would have waited and done something to assure they could stand on their own... they wouldn't be stuck and of course many are now too lazy/ resentful to do anything about it.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

preso said:


> When people marry for the wrong reasons or have unrealistic expectations there is generally no hope in a marriage. The 2 main reasons people divorce.
> 
> People should wait a little longer to marry and not marry in their 20's.... make their own lives and establish themselves in the world before marrying... it would be better for marriages.
> I know many people who married young, right out of high school... and none of them are happily married but stuck....
> and stuck is a bad place to be. If they would have waited and done something to assure they could stand on their own... they wouldn't be stuck and of course many are now too lazy/ resentful to do anything about it.


This is my situation. The wife is left wondering what if.. Trying to discover herself because she lost herself in our marriage. Now she has 2 kids and house and you can't go back.. She would rather blame then take responsibility. I only hope she sees the destructive nature she is doing and work on correcting it before she hurts all the members in our family.


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

NothingMan said:


> I know for a fact if I couldnt have an intelligent conversation with my wife I would not have married her in the first place.


Well said. 

Now I feel bad for myself.


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

I question that marriage being a life-long commitment is really a good model for this society. People really do change... who they are, what they want in life. Yes marriage is best for child-raising, but outside of that? I'm not religious so I don't have the belief system that marriage is a holy life-long vow through God; that will never be a factor in my belief system.


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