# I'm having trouble "forgiving and forgetting"



## carmendee (Jul 11, 2012)

Hello All,

I suppose I should start from the beginning. My husband and I are college students. I've been enrolled in a pretty great school and he's been going to community college' trying to build his credits and grades to get into my school. We've been married for three years as of February. My husband is also 26 years old.

With the start of the spring semester in January, he acquired a new friend named Rebecca. From the start I had my doubts about their relationship. He suddenly started texting a lot, and staying up late, skyping with her and messaging her on Facebook. Which was all out of character for him. After about a month, I expressed my concerns about it, and his response was simply "We're just friends" and nothing changed.

So of course my crazy girl side took over and i started snooping. I found inappropriate messages where he's told her that he's so in love with her, that he cries over her and informs her that he's fighting hard to keep her in his life because she's so special. I confronted him one day, only telling him that I had proof something was going on. He admitted that they'd had a "show and tell" session on skype with each other and that was it. When he found out I had been reading his messages, he changed all of his passwords and locked me out.

I had made it very clear to both Rebecca and my husband that she was not welcome in my home, yet as soon as I left, she was here. But throughout the entire ordeal, all he would say is "We're just friends, we're just friends". But I had spoken to her myself and she is under the impression that my husband was leaving me to be with her. 

Back in May or so, my husband was accepted into the university I attend and since the spring semester ended, things have supposedly tapered off between them. I know that despite all my efforts to get him to stop, he didn't. When he had supposedly ended it with her, he simply said that he "was not allowed to talk to her anymore". Which of course puts everything on me, making me controlling. She's made TWO fake facebook accounts to talk to him (since she had been blocked) and contacted him through a mutual friend's account. 

The dilemma is that I can't trust him, I don't even know if I should. Luckily we don't have children and I still don't even have proof he actually had intercourse with her. But he's been lying and sneaking for six months. I was told that after the semester ended he would have no reason to see or speak with her again, since they no longer had class together. Yet, one night he told me he was going to hang out with one of his only guy friends, and I find out that he actually went to hang out with Rebecca. Since then, he's basically stoppped going out, but he still hides his phone and deletes his internet history. About four days ago i saw that he had used one of the fake facebook accounts and that he'd contacted her. 

I don't know what to do, I feel like I've tried everything I can. We haven't been to counselling because I don't believe it will help when he's still in contact with this girl. I've only highlighted certain things I've found here. And a few days ago, he offered this explanation for his behavior: He said that he's just "one of those jerk guys" who enjoys attention from other girls, that he basically needs this attention. He said he doesn't care about them, he just basically uses them. He said that he only cares about me and that he knows he crossed a line with the "show and tell session". But to me, it's worse that he told this girl he loved her. At the very least, he actively perpetuated her feelings for him and encouraged her homewrecking behavior. I'm struggling with myself mostly, thinking "why do I let this happen? Why am I still dealing with this?" He's been lying to me for months and he still shows evidence that he's sneaking because he never leaves his phone in sight, it's always in his pocket or stashed away somewhere. 

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I can't seem to get myself to let any of this go. I don't see remorse, I don't see a real change. Yeah, he stopped going out, but that's about it. For six months, my broken heart didn't seem to keep him from continuing whatever he was doing with Rebecca. I feel like this will happen again. He says he loves me and that he's not going anywhere and that he won't do it again. But I'm seeing conflicting actions. Can anyone provide any insight?

Thanks!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

So let me see if I have this straight. You spoke with the OW and she told you that she thought you and your WS were splitting up? Then, after that conversation, she continues to communicate with your H?

Yes. From your title "having trouble forgiving and forgetting" is completely understandable. In short, it isn't over and your instincts are spot on. Every time there is a confrontation between you and your H, he finds other means of contacting the OW. This is definitely an EA and very possibly a PA.

Others here can give you great advise and details as to where to go from here. Just know that you are not crazy, your instincts are correct, and you cannot even begin the process of forgiving and forgetting until it is truly over (which it clearly is not).


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You can't let go because he's still in contact with her. He is deep in an EA and wants you to be ok with it. Don't be. There is no way you can forgive something that hasn't ended. If he won't stop contact and be completely accountable, he is being unfaithful. You can continue to put up with it, or insist that his behavior change. Secret fb, changing passwords, this is not the type of behavior that someone engages in who loves and respects his spouse. I'm sorry for your pain and I hope he wakes up.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

Hi carmendee,

I have very recently gone through the same thing. My wife met a new male friend and began text messaging him a lot. I noticed the odd behavior because the amount of time she was on her phone tripled. 

She started keeping her phone away from me and wanting alone time instead of spending time with me. Even though, not even one month prior, we had a long conversation about our marriage and agreed that we haven't been spending enough time together. So it was strange.

I did a lot of research and found out that she was most likely having an emotional affair. And all of the things you listed also suggest an emotional affair. My wife also insisted that they were just friends and nothing more. If they're spending private time together it could have gotten physical.

I confronted her and she denied it. I presented the evidence of the emotional affair and what the signs are, yet she denied it and told me they were friends. We had a long talk about it and our marriage and she did finally admit that it had been going on.

The confrontation was just over a week ago. I was allowed to watch the text message conversation when she told him I found out and it was going to ruin our marriage and had to end. Since then, I am to believe that all contact with this guy has been cut off so we can rebuild our marriage. Steps she took to help me are; giving me full access to her phone, email account, Facebook and other accounts. I am allowed to ask any questions at any time and moniter what she is doing any time. I can ask and see who she is texting or what she is doing on the computer. These things help, but my current insecurities about the situation still cause me a lot of anxiety when we're not together.

Sorry for the long story, but I hope it helps. If he wants to hide things from you, there is a major problem. Everything in a trusting relationship should be completely transparent both ways. He needs to give you access to his phone and everything, or you need to think of something else. I gave my wife the ultimatum: him or me, stop or I leave. Maybe you have to go down that scary road. If he wants/needs to hide things, then he knows he has something to hide.

Best of luck to you and I hope it turns out the way you want.

Owyn


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

He is infatuated with her (he calls it love) but still gets something out of the security of the relationship with you. This is known as cake-eating and it can continue indefinitely unless you set hard consequences. 

But you are not married (correct?). If I were you, I would chalk this up to experience and move on. He is not life partner material. He has to want to change. You cannot give him the self-esteem he lacks, or take away any self-centeredness he has. He has to figure that out himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

No, you are not over reacting.

Your husband needs to be open to you. He has been secretive in the past and has lied to you. The show and tell was a violation of the trust you have put in him.

He seems to be telling you one thing and doing what he wants. Is he truly vested in the marraige?

He needs to agree to full transparency because of his errors if he wants your trust.

He needs to do some heavy lifting to rebuild that trust.

If he is unwilling to admit to that you need to take some steps which may include:

1. MC
2. Doing the 180 to show him that you will not be treated as the fallback while he has his fun.
3. You may want to include a Polygraph to see exactly how far he has taken this. As you have stated he has lied to you in the past, how can you now trust him on the level of the Affair?

Strong Steps need to be taken or this thing will go to a PA either with Rebecca or another because he does not honor boundries at this time.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

carmendee said:


> The dilemma is that I can't trust him, I don't even know if I should.


Of course you shouldn't. There are two issues here. First, no spouse should ever blindly trust another spouse. We're all human and humans make mistakes. So, if your husband is spending time alone with a woman, even if his intentions are honorable, there is the chance of something happening. Second, your husband has proven that you shouldn't trust him in particular. He's even told you point blank that he's a jerk who "needs" these kinds of interactions with women. In other words, he's going to keep seeing this woman, or other women. Kudos to him for being honest.



carmendee said:


> Luckily we don't have children and I still don't even have proof he actually had intercourse with her. But he's been lying and sneaking for six months. I was told that after the semester ended he would have no reason to see or speak with her again, since they no longer had class together. Yet, one night he told me he was going to hang out with one of his only guy friends, and I find out that he actually went to hang out with Rebecca. Since then, he's basically stoppped going out, but he still hides his phone and deletes his internet history. About four days ago i saw that he had used one of the fake facebook accounts and that he'd contacted her.


That's your proof right there. If she lived in across the country, then he probably wouldn't have had the chance to have sex with her. But they were in the same class. They went on dates. Dates often end in sex. They've had "skype sex". Do you know many women who would have virtual sex with a man they weren't already intimate with?

I know it's not 100%, ironclad proof. But there's certainly no reasonable doubt that they had sex.



carmendee said:


> I don't know what to do, I feel like I've tried everything I can. We haven't been to counselling because I don't believe it will help when he's still in contact with this girl.


You have two choices.

First, you can accept being in an open marriage. You get your husband most of the time. But, he also gets to have sex with other women.

Second, you can file for divorce or separation. If you refuse to live in an open marriage, then this is your only option. Your husband has proven that you nagging him, or being sad, isn't enough motivation for him to change. If you file, he may wake up and end his affair(s). He may not. You may have to go through with divorcing him. Fortunately, you have no children and (I assume) minimal assets. So divorce should be relatively simple from a legal standpoint.



carmendee said:


> I feel like this will happen again. He says he loves me and that he's not going anywhere and that he won't do it again. But I'm seeing conflicting actions. Can anyone provide any insight?


He loves you. He just doesn't love you enough to comfort you by letting you see his phone. If you asked to see my phone, I would show it to you. And I don't even know you. But I also have nothing to hide on my phone.

Your husband not only will do this again, he probably never stopped doing it. The reason he's on his phone constantly and hiding it from you is because he's using it to cheat on you.

As I said, you can accept it, or you can refuse to accept it.

Good luck.


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## carmendee (Jul 11, 2012)

Wow, Thank you everyone! I was not expecting such an overwhelming response! And I hope you'll take the time to read this message as well.

I suppose I forgot to mention a few things that are sort of important. Supposedly she's moving to another state sometime soon (not forever, but for at least a semester). And supposedly my husband hasn't talked to her (other than the fake facebook account) since May-ish. 

Things he's stopped doing/changed:
Going out
He hasn't been texting nearly as much
He's given me his facebook password
After I saw and confronted him about the fake account he'd used, he called her to reiterate that they will not be on speaking terms

BUT:
he keeps his phone hidden and when I ask who he's texting or who's calling him etc, he gets angry with me for asking.

Given the fact that he's been caught using another facebook account (he says that SHE made it for him, either way, still ridiculous), I don't take much comfort in the fact that I have access to his actual account.

With the recent phone call, it was yet again: "We can't speak" rather than, "I don't want to hear from you again, I will not be contacting you again" which sends very different messages.

Things I've tried:
I have given him the ultimatum: Her or me (and it didn't work at all because to him, i was trying to get rid of "a good friend" so all it did was cause more problems)

I've gone to counselling myself because this whole thing basically destroyed me. He was my best friend and I thought the world of him, and that all came crashing down.

I've tried talking to her about it. In the beginning I asked her to back off and I've laid out the situation. But of course she responds back with things that are very hurtful, saying that my husband has told her that he never loved me and that i'm stupid for staying with him and that he's going to leave me etc. She's only 19. In the state I live, the OW can actually be sued as well and held responsible for her role in the marriage break up. I've even contacted her parents about it. Obviously I didn't give many details, but the basic jist. But nothing came of that either.

--------------------

I understand the idea of the EA but with HIS explanation ("I'm THAT guy), he claims he has no emotional ties and that emotionally, he doesn't care. I've had both opinions on it myself. Clearly I knew that the whole "we're just friends" was a complete load. And my first instict was that there was at least an EA. However, he is the type to use people. He did use her to do a lot of his homework in that class (IE she did it for him). So I wouldn't be surprised that he's been using her emotionally as well. And he's VERY non-confrontational. So his solution was that he'd just stop talking to her and she'd go away. (which obviously didn't happen).

And yes, I'm sure I'm being used as well. He and I are quite opposite. So I have many qualities he lacks and vice versa. 

Like I said before, I have a lot of inner conflict. I don't know what to believe about his motivations. He's flirtatious and non-confrontational, so the "Jerk" theory makes sense. And emotionally, i'd prefer to believe that over the EA theory. Overall, things have gotten better, because he's at least not so obvious that he's been talking to her. But of course I can't monitor fake or secret accounts. He also doesn't think it's a big deal that he occasionally "says hi". Which it clearly is to me at the very least.

I don't mean to paint this picture like a sinking ship, because it may or may not be. I am definitely bias on this. I'm just hoping for some clarity and inner peace. Maybe hoping to get a general consensus of what the real reason is for his behavior. 

Thanks again everyone!


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

I can only assume that as long as he's hiding his phone from you or getting mad when you ask who he's talking to, that the affair is still going on. He may be emotionally attached to her and finding it hard to give her up.

Here is a good list of rules he can follow if he really does want to regain your trust: 
How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair: 10 steps


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Don't believe for a second that it is only "just friends",and he has no emotional connection. Or he would of ended it and been open to you, not get angry and defensive. 

He will make you feel like you are reading "way" too much into it... he wants to down play it, so you feel wrong to suspect him of cheating... he will try and make you doubt yourself. 

I know you love him, but , he is cheating, and as everyone else has said, you need to monitor more. He is finding his ways to communicate.. or at least he will.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Carmendee, how long have the two of you been married? I'm assuming that you guys haven't been married that long. I'm concerned because, at a time when the two of you should be starry-eyed lovers and doing it like rabbits, he's emotionally attached to another woman. Universities have a lot of beautiful coeds running around and I'm sure he'll want to 'study' with a lot of them. Can you be certain that this won't happen again? Also, he's shown no remorse for his actions -- getting mad and hiding his phone from you is a good indication that he's still in the midst of the EA. (Also, she could move to the other side of the planet and, because of technology, he could easily continue the affair.)


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Right now, there are at least three people in your marriage. I wouldn't put it past him to have another girl on the hook besides Rebecca, but at the very least, there are three people in your marriage. And your husband likes it that way. In fact, he's told you upfront that he isn't willing to narrow it down to just the two of you, and that he doesn't see anything wrong with him involving other women in your marriage.

If you don't like the status quo, it's up to you to tell him you aren't willing to live with three people in your marriage. You have to be the one to walk away. He won't do it. His interest is in preserving the current arrangement. Because it works for him. And he doesn't currently care whether or not it works for you. The "real reason for his behavior" is that it serves his needs, he doesn't care how it makes you feel and he isn't going to stop doing it. 

By the way, I'm very sorry this is happening to you. The crazy-making of this type of situation is just appalling and hellish. Please love yourself enough to find the strength to set and maintain some boundaries regarding what you will and will not accept from a partner. Even if you could get past the cheating, why are you okay with him using you and others? Why is it somehow better if he's a using, cheating, jerk, rather than just being a garden-variety cheater?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Of course you can't forgive or forget b/c he hasn't stopped contact with her!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sweetie, if it wasn't "at least" an EA, why hide the phone/text? He is not being honest, either with you or himself or both.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

They are not over. He's cake eating.
Go low key for a while and gather evidence. Keylog the PC and phone. Your husband has no boundaires. I suspects he has been crossing the line with more than this OW.
Once you has enough evidence you need to be very firm about your demands, boundaires and dealbreakers. You have to be ready to divorce and move on if he doesn't accep them and start the heavy lifting. He's showing you a glimpse of who he is and who he will be in the future. You are young, no children, this should be the more happy and easy period of your life, imagine how he would behave 10 years down the road with two kids, bills, mortage, stress, disapointments, real life strugles, no time for couples fun and life gets mundane.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Getting angry about showing you his phone and refusing to show you texts is, as everyone has said, a sure sign that he is still in contact. He may be in denial and lying to himself about the nature of the relationship; that is an extremely common feature of emotional affairs. Sorry if I'm repeating myself, but the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass explains all this and more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## glitchathon (Oct 22, 2009)

Wow, you are questioning whether you are overreacting when your entire original post indicates that you have been underreacting for six months. He has been way out of line. Has he even owned up to the fact that he has been deceiving you? It sounds like he thinks he is totally innocent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

your young and have your whole life ahead of you.

you have two choices.

1. stay and fight like the scrapper you are .and a life time of this a$$hole treating you like a second rate person. and then getting divorced and starting over after splitting everything you aquired over you life time.and haveing to keep seeing him if you have kids together.

2. kick this bum to the curb and learn from it. be patient and find a man that loves you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are not over reacting. He is still playing games a best, and at worst is still in the affair but over some app on his phone.

Stop playing the game of you chasing and trying to prove he's up to no good.

Inform him that he needs to be 100% transparent AND he needs to show to you that he's on the up and up. Your not his mom trying to catch him out, your his wife and he needs to be working to make you feel safe and loved. Right now you feel neither. Otherwise, you'll simply assume the worst and move on. She can have him.

Basically play hardball because he is jerking you around and that shows he has neither remorse or empathy for your feelings. He acts and sounds like a boy, not a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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