# Husband is depressed, How to nevigate?



## hello123 (Jul 12, 2011)

I have been reading the board frantically trying to find a thread that resembles my current situation. My current situation in my perspective is that my husband is severely depressed and has been so for the past 5 years. We have been together for 10 years. I did notice his moody behavior from the outset; however, I was okay with his cynicism and slight negativity; but now it has become deep dark depression that I can not live with. I want to enjoy life and I want my daughter to be happy. I feel like his energy and mood is weighing me down.

He is a successful dentist and makes a nice living. The stress of his job is certainly undeniable; but I feel that he absorbs the stress and sits with the anger, stress and sadness for far too long. Since 2008 he has put insurmountable pressure on himself and has set the bar too high in my opinion. He is mad and angry that his income was not what it used to be and that his patients are too demanding and unrealistic. He specifically, comes home from work and watched TV from 6 PM- 11PM. He does not speak or want to be spoken to. He does not work out, take care of himself, take care of his daughter or engage in the outside world. During the weekends that he is home; he watches TV and does not want to leave the house. The issues in my opinion are as follows:

1.	Severe depression, anger and fear that make him completely shut down due to unresolved childhood issues and job/economy etc.
2.	Incredibly cheap and tends to hoard food and money
3.	Blames me and our marriage for his sadness
4.	Refuses to acknowledge his depression, fear and anxiety as a problem
5.	Spends money on his hobbies before taking care of his family. 

We have been to two different therapists and both have agreed that he has serious depression issues. He has refused to acknowledge the issue and he refuses to take medication. Our last therapist truly had a special skill set for diagnosing the issue and getting right to the point. However, my husband stopped going and said …”…everything is fine, I am fine now, and you are the problem….” 

So here I am five years unhappy and completely at a cross roads. I am tired of being a lone, raising my child alone and dealing with a sad, mad “boy”. God helps those who help themselves. My husband is in complete DENIAL. He is either in the garage working on his car (hobby) or watching TV.

I know that he had a rough childhood in many regards. He had a verbally and abusive mother who did not show him any love (my opinion and observation). His sister has spent years in therapy dealing with her childhood issues; but I do not think that my husband has spoken about it. He has mentioned some of his mother’s dysfunctional behavior but refuses to talk about it. 


Do I offer him an ultimatum? For example, if he does not get help, do I actually live my life on my own? I have been contemplating this for years. 

One theory states that women are socialized differently as children as compared to men. A second theory states that women experience more role conflict than men because they are expected to be nurturing mothers, dedicated wives and employed. A third theory states that men experience as much depression as women but they express it in ways that are more violent or passive than women.

I am scared because:

1.	I feel bad for his stress and insecurities but I deserve to be happy and I am afraid I will never be happy with him
2.	I am angry at his hoarding behavior when I have always worked and supported the family financially and emotionally. He does not give me any money. I pay for all the bills that my pay check will allow
3.	I feel as though 5 years of my life has been a dark cloud, due to his severe depression
4.	I am scared that the pain my daughter will experience; as divorce always causes pain for a child
5.	The alimony and child support is going to be agonizing; due to his hoarding of money and food issues.

Summary- Do I give him and ultimatum? Have I been supporting him in all the wrong ways? He is a decent guy, but I can not live with this depressed person any longer.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

hello123 - I've been going through somewhat of what you have, though not to the extreme that you say. My husband is completely uninvolved in life beyond going to work, coming home and doing things around the house, and spending time with his computer. He does not participate in life, period. He barely knows that he has two children. I've spent years on the fence about our marriage. In some ways it doesn't seem that bad, we don't argue or fight, my husband doesn't care when I got out and do things with our kids or my friends, he just chooses to not participate himself. BUT... I feel like a single parent in a 23-year marriage, and I don't feel like i have a partner in my life, just a guy who sits in front of his computer and pays the bills. Though we don't have a bad marriage, we definitely don't have a good marriage either. In fact, we have a dead marriage, there is just no life left in it.

I recently read the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay." It's about making a choice when you live in an ambivalent marriage. It's about 15 years old, but every single point that the book makes is valid for today. It was a definite eye opener in making me realize that even though our marriage isn't that bad, it isn't good enough for me to stay in, either. I've come to the realization in the past couple of weeks that I have a life to live, children to raise and be involved with, and the right to be happy in my life. 

After years of trying to communicate with my H and get him to engage in being a parent and in living our life as a married couple, my husband CHOOSES to not be involved in those things with me. He probably is depressed, but he would never in a million years think of seeing anyone about it or even admitting that he might need help. I've used up my last bit of energy trying to get in touch with him, but after years and years it hasn't been enough. Only you can decide when enough is enough. If you can honestly say that you've tried your best and given it your best shot, but that hasn't worked, then you deserve to put the rest of your energy into making your life what you want it to be, instead of being dragged down by someone who isn't willing to be a part of your life.


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## AmIwrong (Jul 13, 2011)

Avalon and hello123,

I understand what both of you are going through. I have been married for 21 years and it has been more down days then up. My H has always had an addiction to video games, i thought over time he would put it away; he didn't. I left him about 3 weeks ago, we have 4 children, however; he choked his own child and uses bad language towards her. I have tried to work on our marriage but nothing seems to work, when i threaten to leave in the beginning he would say that he was going to change. I have been a full time mom the entire relationship, he has had 4 affairs on me, left me, allowed his family to mistreat our kids as well as myself. Yet, I still stayed, I feel guilty for leaving but I do not love him, he says that he loves me but i don't see how that is possible. My aunt passed about 2 years ago and my mother and I went to the funeral that was out of town. My mom paid for the hotel and our food, my father drove down the next day, however my H stated that he would drop some money off to my father to bring to me to at least feed our kids. Well, that never happened, he stated that he did not have any money. Later I found out that he did, it was hit from behind in my van by a police and was paid over 7000.00...he opened a secret bank account and hid the money. yet i stayed, he told me that he was not going to change. i worked to save money for a family vacation to florida, we drove down and he allowed his child to ride uncomfortable just so that he could. I was raised that as parents we sacrafice for a children, but he thought not. He would wait for me to go to sleep and would take the t.v. from the children just so he could play his game. also, when our sons where younger he would make them play with him. I know that i should not feel guilty but I do, why? don't know but i can truly say that i am afraid of the unknown. I have never lived on my own, i went from living with my parents to living with my husband. i stayed for my children because i have seen how my brothers children turned out. now, my H is depressed because i left, but he has been that way for some time, we have not slept together for about 3 years. i use to tell him that he treats me live a prostitute because he would have sex with me then run off and play his game. the only thing different was he didnt pay me. also, when our child would get sick at school he would not answer his phone to go and pick her up; my mom would have to drive from across town to pick her up. he never would talk to me over the phone, he never had time for us, yet he is depressed. please help with some advice; i am totally lost...


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Has his practice been affected that much? You mention his income is not as much as it use to be and he seems to be worried about it. You also mention you work and have income. What you don't mention is whether you are satisfied with the family income. Does his issues with income come from you or himself?

I hear you regarding the depression. It's tough to live with someone who is up and down all the time. He must work on that himself but I don't know how you can force it. It would seem that denying the advice of the two counselors means he is in denial himself. Is he taking ANY medication at all for his depression? How is this affecting his business? Is this partial reason for loss of income (loss of patients) or is the economy sharing the blame?


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