# Jealous of fiance's past



## scooterman (Mar 21, 2013)

I am engaged to a wonderful woman. She was my high school sweetheart. After high school we went our separate ways and reconnected after over 30 years! I find myself extremely jealous of her past relationships to a point that I become almost angry about it. In high school she adored me and I just kind of broke it off and dated many other girls. I now have regret for all of the years that we lost because of me. I now see pics of her back then with other boyfriends and it drives me insane. I think the worst part is knowing that I gave her up and she was simply beautiful inside and out. We both have had many relationships over the years while we were apart including marriages. I see pics of her at the lake with the boy I know was her first at the age of 15 and I can't get it out of my head. I know this happened after her and I had first gone out and become somewhat intimate, but did not go all the way. The biggest part of this is the regret I have for not giving her my all back then. I know that things happen for a reason, but why can't I get this out of my head. Pics of her looking young and gorgeous in a tiny bikini and him with his hands all over her, knowing that it was at this time she lost her virginity to him makes me so jealous. I have to get past this for our happy future. We are very much in love and blessed to have been reconnected. She is also still very beautiful! Is this normal to have this bother me so much??


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No, it seems more reasonable to put her past, AND your past in proper perspective.

Could it be that your regret is what is causing this? Have you always been the jealous type?

Sometimes it helps to rid ourselves of regret to really understand and own why we did what we did. Try to fully accept that, had those events not occurred, neither of you would be the same people that you are today. Some events alter us with growth, others with stagnation, followed by growth. Do you think you two would be as happy today as you are if either one of you hadn't experienced all that went before your joining up today?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Oh, I understand. But it's so important to keep in mind that both of you have pasts. There was someone you lost your virginity to also. There was someone who you spent time with when you were in your early 20's and looking pretty fine yourself. I believe that people come together at the right time for the right reason. Who's to say that if you two stayed together while in high school that you would still be together today? You can't have any regrets over what you should and shouldn't have done. You two fell back in love TODAY for all the right reasons. 

And pictures of her with ex's don't tell the whole story. Just because there was one snapshot in time that shows her as being happy in a relationship doesn't mean that she was that happy ALL THE TIME. Know what I mean? And it's not fair to punish her for living her life when you weren't in it. 

What needs to be most important to you right now is the fact that she chose YOU. She loves YOU. She wants to be with YOU for the rest of her life. 

If you find yourself thinking about those other guys, feel bad for them. Don't be jealous of them. Because after all, you got the girl!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Is it truly jealousy that is causing this or is it more about regret that you were not her first? If both of you had similar experiences with quantity and quality when it came to past relationships, then there is no inequality about it. 

Maybe this will put things into context: You are feeling intense jealousy over a 15 year old having his hands on your soon to be wife back when she was 15 years old. You were the one to move on originally, so you have to figure out a way to get over it.


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## scooterman (Mar 21, 2013)

Thank you so much for your replies.....they all truly helped. Yes, I have always been the jealous type, but not to the point of being extreme. I was (and still am!) two years older than her, so when I was the popular jock senior, she was a cute sophomore who also happened to be a cheerleader. Yes, I wish I would have been her first, but there were several firsts that we did share.......like her first "O" at 15. I am very lucky that she has chosen me now......and we are very much in love. Our childhoods were very similar as we went to the same grade school too........so it's like my life is now complete with someone who I really relate to. And it's true that I must get over this regret as I agree that we might not be the same people had we not gone through these experiences.......we may hate each other today! I get that, but at times still am fighting this green monster. I realize that I too had many relationships that I'm sure bother her......like finding out that I dated many of her very good friends......so it's wrong of me to judge. I will overcome this, thank you. It helps just to share with others.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

scooterman said:


> Thank you so much for your replies.....they all truly helped. Yes, I have always been the jealous type, but not to the point of being extreme. I was (and still am!) two years older than her, so when I was the popular jock senior, she was a cute sophomore who also happened to be a cheerleader. Yes, I wish I would have been her first, but there were several firsts that we did share.......like her first "O" at 15. I am very lucky that she has chosen me now......and we are very much in love. Our childhoods were very similar as we went to the same grade school too........so it's like my life is now complete with someone who I really relate to. And it's true that I must get over this regret as I agree that we might not be the same people had we not gone through these experiences.......we may hate each other today! I get that, but at times still am fighting this green monster. I realize that I too had many relationships that I'm sure bother her......like finding out that I dated many of her very good friends......so it's wrong of me to judge. I will overcome this, thank you. It helps just to share with others.



Oh dude!!! You dated her friends! I think you'll be back here posting about wife's friends are my ex lovers...


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I think men and women come at this differently, so I will say that for a man, yes, I think this is probably pretty normal. It is just the way most men are.

You realise already, I think, that dwelling on the past is not going to make you happy, so you are much of the way there. Aim to live in the present. That is where happiness lies.

If this causes you problems there are various techniques you can learn to put unwelcome thoughts out of your mind. None of them are infallible that I know of, but a lot can be done to help.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's understandable but you do need to let it go. You were very, very young and the odds of that working at that point were almost non-existent. 

You would probably like to go back and fix the past (we all would) but that's not possible so just be grateful you have her now. And refocus your mind when you find yourself dwelling on that.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

And PS -- Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding!!


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## scooterman (Mar 21, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> And PS -- Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding!!



Thank You!!! I appreciate that! And this time I did the proposal the right way......lots of thought and preparation! :smthumbup:

I realize that this was all in the past, and I must focus on the present and our future. I knew as soon as I looked at the pictures that I wished I hadn't. She has tons of old pics in albums, and she just happened to have them out as she was looking for some of a friend's husband who has just passed away. I just felt sick after looking at them, so I will NOT look at them again, and I know (hope) in a few days or weeks the images will leave my mind. 

I agree that men and women look at this differently. Men seem to want what they can't have, and don't want what is too easy. Again with me being older she made it too easy for me back then. Silly high school boys!! I'm just glad she came back into my life and I know now how wonderful she is, and always was.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Scooter if you remained with her all those years ago, you would not appreciate what you have with her now. You love her because you are able to compare her against all of your other relationships. She likely did the same. 

It is both your experiences that have made you the people you are now. You know how precious she is to you because of your life experiences not dispite them. She feels the same, I'll bet. 

You have the best of life now, a renewal or rebirth, when many people your age have regrets about what they did not do but are unable to fix it.

What a wonderful gift, you got to come back together and make it right. You were ready to love each other now but were not before.

How lucky are you and your fiancé! Think of that when your mind wonders. I think it will get better with time.


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## scooterman (Mar 21, 2013)

Thank you Catherine.......beautifully said. I am a lucky man!!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

scooterman said:


> I am engaged to a wonderful woman. She was my high school sweetheart. After high school we went our separate ways and reconnected after over 30 years! I find myself extremely jealous of her past relationships to a point that I become almost angry about it. In high school she adored me and I just kind of broke it off and dated many other girls. I now have regret for all of the years that we lost because of me. I now see pics of her back then with other boyfriends and it drives me insane. I think the worst part is knowing that I gave her up and she was simply beautiful inside and out. We both have had many relationships over the years while we were apart including marriages. I see pics of her at the lake with the boy I know was her first at the age of 15 and I can't get it out of my head. I know this happened after her and I had first gone out and become somewhat intimate, but did not go all the way. The biggest part of this is the regret I have for not giving her my all back then. I know that things happen for a reason, but why can't I get this out of my head. Pics of her looking young and gorgeous in a tiny bikini and him with his hands all over her, knowing that it was at this time she lost her virginity to him makes me so jealous. I have to get past this for our happy future. We are very much in love and blessed to have been reconnected. She is also still very beautiful! Is this normal to have this bother me so much??


It's quite normal for some people, the kind that if everything goes well, try to find ways to sabotage their own mental health.

And destroy the lives of others also.

Let her go, you do not deserve this beauty. You don't love HER, you love her body image.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Everyone has a past. You do. She does. If it is bothering you so much, then perhaps you should not marry her. Because this is your issue. Not hers.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh dude!!! You dated her friends! I think you'll be back here posting about wife's friends are my ex lovers...


Sounds like a bad country song. But then, I'm being redundant.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm reminded of "The Lion King". 

Rafiki, in trying to make a point, smacks Simba in the head with his stick.

Simba asks, indignantly, "Hey! What was that for?"

Rafiki answers - "It does not matter. It is in the past".


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

scooterman said:


> I am engaged to a wonderful woman. She was my high school sweetheart. After high school we went our separate ways and reconnected *after over 30 years!* I find myself extremely jealous of her past relationships to a point that I become almost angry about it.


No, it is not normal and it will be a big problem for you to have such resentment going into a marriage. If you are this jealous about what happened DECADES ago then holy smokes that spells big trouble for current events. 

You better be honest with her about this because if you conceal it and then after the marriage this resentment spills out on her - you tricked her into marrying someone you are not.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why so much focus on the past when you are together NOW and are happy and looking forward to getting married. 

Shouldn't you be focused on today and on having wonderful new experiences together today and in the future? 

Redirect your thoughts to what you can do together today and tomorrow and next month, year. Plan something fun, try something new, go somewhere you haven't been before - create NEW memories as a couple and leave the past in the past. 

Look ahead, not behind, as the past isn't there to experience anymore, but the future is. Don't waste the time you have NOW on regret.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If it's in the past and you weren't part of it, think of it this way

If you've seen that fake Aston Martin pre-owned ad

It says it all.

You know you're not the 1st but do you really care?

BTW that ad is NSFW. No nudity but still NSFW.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Your anger is like that of the abusive husband, beating up his son because he is really very frustrated about everything that is wrong in his live. Please get rid of it, you will do yourself a pleasure.


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## scooterman (Mar 21, 2013)

I wanted to thank those of you who offered sincere help and advice for me, I really appreciate that and it made me aware that the past really is the past, and I have a wonderful future to look forward to with this wonderful woman. To those of you who only offered negative advice, I have to ask what is your purpose here other than to troll threads and make statements to make others feel worse. My anger and resentment is only aimed at myself for letting this wonderful woman go. I have no anger or resentment toward her. To compare me to an abusive husband is ridiculous. I regret my own blindness 30 years ago because I think of the time we have missed together. But as some said, we may not be the same people we are today had we been together then. I will spend the rest of my life showering her with love, affection, and respect to try to in someway make up for our time lost. Yes, I love her, I adore her for who she is and for the love she shows me. No more regrets, no more anger....I am a very lucky man to have her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Yeaaa :smthumbup::smthumbup:

I wish you the very best in your relationship.

The disturbing thoughts may come back around a few more times but beat them back and enjoy your life. You both deserve this!


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