# losing weight and attractiveness



## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

Hello new to the forums here and looking for a little guidance.About 3 years ago at 43 decided after spending most of my life overweight to put my years of exercise and diet knowledge to work for me.Was always the athletic big guy 6'3 but 270 to 285lbs with wide shoulders.My man motivation was to get life insurance,be in shape to play with my young kids and hopefully my wife would find me more attractive.Well 2 out of 3 aint bad,not only did she find me no more attractive at 6'3 220 with a slender waist and muscular body she questioned my motivation.Our average sex life went to nil in July and this culminated with her saying last week she wishes I would have stayed at 245 because she looks large next to me.(she is maybe 190-200lb,5'8)Of course I am hurt for many reasons,maybe most of all she knows when I went to the Dr as I started my weigh loss I found I had high blood pressure and enlarged heart,all in great shape and no need of medication do to my weight loss,exercise and improved diet.
Now I find myself without the ability to find her attractive at all which was never an issue.She started with my encouragement to eat better and exercise but I honestly think she does so begrudgingly for fear of losing me.Have never changed my behavior since losing the weight,having always treated her with respect.

Tried reassuring her that I was not on the prowl and that is was all for her and the kids(she has the insurance policy in her hand as the beneficiary)But short of putting weight back on what can I do?


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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

Thanks,and I think you are correct the issue will be when I say anything along the line of insecurities and quite frankly I would have to put on a happy face at this time to reassure her more then I have already.Strange but its almost like a self fulfilling prophecy,she fears not being worthy acting insecure which in turns makes her less attractive to me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Our sex life took a hit when I got in shape too. I felt it was her insecurities, and refused to regress back to my old habits, while trying to be supportive if she wanted to make lifestyle for herself.

C
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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

PBEAR how did things workout for you,or are you still in the process?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I told her I wanted a separation almost exactly a year ago, but stayed at home till February due to the holidays and some personal things. Been separated since then, and no plans to reconcile. There's a one year mandatory separation period here, and I'll start getting the divorce stuff together in the new year. FWIW, I went from 215 to 165 on a 5'11" frame in about 5 months, and took up half marathons as a hobby.

I should add that just prior to separating, I did have an exit affair. It was a stupid decision, and I take full blame for not leaving prior to seeking someone else. She never found out what I did, although I can only imagine she suspected. I made my decision to leave after my affair ended, so I didn't leave for someone else, and me confessing to her would have been hurtful to her without any point. And yes, that may be a coward's way of making himself feel better.

And I can also add that her insecurities were not newly developed as I went through my makeover, but they were heightened by my changes. And more important to my decision to leave was her refusal to work on things that she acknowledged were issues. Eventually, I decided that she wasn't going to change, so my choices were to put up with the way things were, or leave. Also, I never lost my physical attraction towards my wife till the very end. Yes, there's things that I'm sure both of us might have wished we're different about our appearance, but I never would have turned down an opportunity, and would have welcomed it. The constant rejections had a MUCH bigger impact than loss of physical attraction.

I can also add that I've been seeing someone else for awhile now, and oddly enough, she's about the same body type as my STBXW. But contrary to my STBXW, she doesn't have self esteem issues, and is very willing to prance around naked or in lingerie in front of me. And our sex life is nothing short of incredible. But I think she is a much higher drive than my STBXW ever was, to be fair. She may even be higher than me. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

Interesting pbear,very.Really going to give this a great try having kids involved but it sure seems like the ship has sailed.Think she just had a different version of what life would look like and it wasn't working out or eating right,she is doing so now but it feels begrudgingly.She really doesn't have confidence issues as much as she seems to resent me,like I am putting pressure on her because I lost weight.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

congrats on getting healthy yourself, I applaud anyone that is willing to do so, especially when they find they have some health issues.

Taken in the context of working out and eating right... that is just something "everyone" should do. Weight loss might be a side effect, but if you approach this as "living well", and make it a lifestyle she might accept it a bit better. Taken that you do have some heart issues \ bp, keep up the good work! You both want to be around for your kids, and few things you can control in life is just what you are doing. Exercise and eating right. Take the weight loss out of the "equation" so to speak. Make it about being healthy.

This is coming from a juvie diabetic, so it's mandatory in my case. My husband ate like crap when we first got together, and he whined about it and even kept a cupboard of stuff just for him. He got converted to eating right... merely because he learned it tasted better and he felt better. Now he tries to tell other people.

Watch the movie Food Inc, or Super Size Me together.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

This is her problem. You have changed for the better and she feels pressured.

Have you pressured her to lose weight? Did you ask her to lose weight even once? If so, that might be the problem.

If not, it's her problem.

Women don't want their man to tell them to lose weight. It feels insulting and makes us feel insecure. But if you are just doing your thing and getting healthy, then her issues are her own.

Losing weight alone does not make a person attractive (of either sex). In fact, you found your wife attractive without any weight loss before you lost weight. It sounds like her ATTITUDE is now turning you off, not her weight. Make sure she knows this.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

glad for you man, you and i were (are?) around the same size. i started off around 280. got tired of being on metformin for sugar,feet problems,blah,blah,blah.decided to do something about it. while im newer into my journey than you,i soon will be there(late spring-early summer) also getting some strange feedback from my wife,she is always tring to screw with my eating right, and giving me way to big portions at dinner and packing lots of JUNK food in my lunch.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My STBXW also tried to "sabatoge" my efforts at change. Kind of frustrating.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

yes it is frustrating, especially the lunch part,i work in a steel mill,shift worker. so it's not like i can leave like office workers, and go buy my lunch. and i sure aint buying nothing off the wheel of death machine.


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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

Thanks for the input everyone,I to felt the sabotage as I went.At first it was running and I did so 5-6 days a week for only 30-40 minutes tops,just run out and come right back.Own a small business that I work very hard at,she is a stay at home Mom but would give me grief because I wouldn't immediately play with the kids when I got home.On top of that I make my own food,she never ever cooks for me which was always fine.

Never pressured her,but have encouraged her even cooking meals for her and me(and kids)But she has been so resistant.Always thought a rising tide lifts all ships but in this case I feel like I am trying to lift and anchor.The part I worry about is it getting only worse as I continue,now I have a goal of single digit body fat.
For a while it was the attitude,not so much raw attractiveness but now it feels a bit of both.For the first time I really feel like this is who I have always been,its so disappointing when your spouse doesn't love that person so much.


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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

Also 67fth,good luck to you starting is the hardest,then keeping it up when you get there.I was lucky had a background and interest in exercise physiology and diet which proves so helpful.What I have now found as I have revisited some concepts from days past is there is a lot of scientific information that really changed my thinking.A big one is knowing exactly how many calories you should have and the breakdown of your macros(protein,fat,carbs)
Couple of resources for you or anyone else bodybuilding.com its not what it sounds like there is a wealth of information for anyone.Look in the nutrition section particularly and some of the stickeys.Another great site leangains.com it more of an eating protocol but interesting,and it very much works for me.Would also say to anyone we were built to lift heavy things and extend ourselves physically both men and woman at almost any age.Sorry to get off the real subject but thought this might be helpful.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

Maybe she's jealous?
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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

Jealousy,hmm.Feels like resentment but maybe both.I have always been the knight in shinning armor giving her hearts desires and helping her when she was younger fighting a bad childhood,terrible parents who misguided her from finance to relationships due to their own insecurities.Think she has always had self worth issues,just now they seems more pronounced.


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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

Hmm jealousy.Feels a bit more like resentment but possibly both.There is more going on in the relationship but this part really sticks out like a sore thumb.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

She could be somewhat if she's struggling with her weight. Or maybe she's concerned that's you're doing it for other reasons. It's hard to say honestly, us women can be very complicated!
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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

Not only her but even a friend of hers questioned my motivation,even when my wife holds a million+ insurance policy in her hand with her being sole beneficiary,having small active kids and me saying otherwise.Not to mention in 20 years never given anyone reason to think I would be speaking anything other than the truth.She has not only not lost weight during my loss,but gained some.


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## Jazzercise (Dec 9, 2011)

I have to give my two cents on this topic because I've been on the other end of it. My husband and I were both hot when we met. After a few years of marriage, we put on the normal 10-20 pounds of marriage weight. Then I got pregnant.... I gained a TON of weight and he gained about 50 lbs. Needless to say, we were some hefty parents. lol! 

One day my husband decided to change and within 4 months he was running marathons, while leaving me in the dust. Sure he offered to help me and I would take him up on it for a while. As soon as he dropped 5, 10, 15 pounds, and I was still at 2, I would give up and go back to my old ways (only with a ton of resentment and security issues). 

I felt like I was worthless! There was really nothing he could say or do to change it. he tried to be nice but I knew my weight was starting to bother him. Then, i read emails between him and his buddy where he said it outloud! I was mortified! Finally, we started fighting. Not about the weight, but about the changes in our lives. He was clearly going in a different way than I was and we were both unhappy. 

We broke up with intent to divorce for about 4 months. By the end of month 2, I had dropped 30 pounds. lol! As soon as my comfortable, horrible marriage was gone, I lost weight. I wasn't as fit as he was by any means, but I was half the size I was when we left and he came crawling back.

It's been about 5 years and our marriage is better than ever. I've lost a total of 65 pounds and he has kept his off. It's very difficult to work so hard to better yourself and be with someone who isn't, but there's nothing you can do. Offer support and hang in there for as long as you can. If she just want put any effort in, leave her before you do something stupid (other females). Sometimes, we just need to be alone to make our own decisions.

Hope this helps!


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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

Thanks jazzercise that sounds like where we are going,especially the part about going to two different directions.Spent a lot of my life being fat and unhappy and have no intentions of going back.Walking a fine line with her,truth is I could have ignored it if she treated me the same or in my hopes better not worse.Now I stand back and really start to think.Maybe that's the key don't give a man time to think!


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## Jazzercise (Dec 9, 2011)

lol! Makes sense. Even if she didn't react this way, you would eventually have resentments about her lack of effort to better herself. My husband said it wasn't the weight loss that made me attractive, it was the actions I took. It's attractive for someone to grab life by the horns and take charge...not so much to sit back and complain about it. Good luck, bro. I hope things work out for the best.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Jazzercise said:


> I have to give my two cents on this topic because I've been on the other end of it. My husband and I were both hot when we met. After a few years of marriage, we put on the normal 10-20 pounds of marriage weight. Then I got pregnant.... I gained a TON of weight and he gained about 50 lbs. Needless to say, we were some hefty parents. lol!
> 
> One day my husband decided to change and within 4 months he was running marathons, while leaving me in the dust. Sure he offered to help me and I would take him up on it for a while. As soon as he dropped 5, 10, 15 pounds, and I was still at 2, I would give up and go back to my old ways (only with a ton of resentment and security issues).
> 
> ...


Please don't take this the wrong way, but i'm curious, did you do this to spite him..."See what you'll be missing out on..." or did you do this for your own personal well being. I've heard/read many times over the years where a breakup has occurred, and 1 party fixes themselves up to throw it back in the face of the other.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

I'm not Jazz and cannot answer for her, but I know that when I went through my divorce with my ex I lost quite a bit of weight due to nerves and the stress involved with the divorce. I looked better physically than I ever had and that inspired me to dress better, do stuff with my hair, and just start taking better care of myself. I see it all the time, a couple divorces and one or both come out looking like a totally different person before the divorce. Nothing like a bundle of nerves and stress to bring it off for you.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

She probably liked you the way you were. It's like she married a certain guy she was attracted to, and now she's married to someone else. I had an ex that was overweight. He was smokin hot. Then I saw a couple of pics of him recently and wow... he looks like some dreadfully boring , ugly office person. He lost a tonne of weight. ANd now he just looks strange and unattractive. If I was single and had the opportunity to date him, I would not look at him twice. Not a chance!


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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

Well I was always slightly overweight to plain ole overweight but always an athletic guy.Now I am the same guy with less body fat more noticeable muscle who can wear more flattering clothes.There is simply no way I am less attractive then I was,its not like I became a marathon runner who looks anorexic.I'm 6'3 220.

Think her own insecurities even with my support are the problem.If its necessary for me to gain weight in order to quail those feelings then that's a real problem.This has been a gradual process(3 years,probably why its staying off)


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

At 5'8" and 200lbs she's too heavy and I think she's jealous of the fact that you are lookin' good! You are a constant reminder of what she can be if she makes the effort and chances are she doesn't want to make the effort. What you did isn't easy. Don't let her discourage you..Instead ENCOURAGE her to do the same! 

Before you were both in the same situation. Now you've moved on. Misery loves company! 

A few years back I had gained a lot of weight and my H had lost a lot and was looking great. I remember feeling angry and resentful. Not at him but just in general. Then I figured it out. I was angry that I wasn't doing what HE was doing. So I asked him what he did to lose weight. He supported and helped me and I dropped over 50lbs in 6 months. 

Try and get your wife to diet and exercise too and hopefully she'll start feeling better about herself and your life together will improve.


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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

Thanks Freak that is my plan.Trying to be as delicate as I can,little afraid of backlash she is definitely someone you can lead to water but not make drink.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm halfway to me weight goal and i've been fighting the sabotage the whole way. My wife turned into a workout nut and got her self in damn good shape and left me in the dust. Everytime i've tried to get into shape, shes done everything to sabotage me from guilt to purposely making my favorite meals and bringing home my favorite sweets.

Before working out, she would throw hints about wanting me to dress better since i'm pretty much just a tshirt and jeans guy. Now that i'm getting lean and fit, I've started looking an upping my attire. While at the store looking at some nice clothes, she asks whats wrong with what I was wearing (same old tshirts and jeans) and that i looked fine the way i was.

I know its just her insecurity but i would think she would want me to look good. I know I want her to look good.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

That's a shame. I tried to help my husband due to his health issues (6'1" 240 give or take) even though he was more muscular than anything, I was worried about his super high cholesterol and triglycerides. Whereas he complained about my weight while b*tching about my not buying ice cream. I wanted to focus on healthy - he wanted to focus on my weight. Eh, he is the same size with no insurance and a 90% blocked artery. I am still plump with good BP, cholesterol and a diet full of lean protein, fruits, veggies and whole grains (minus the occasional pasta and rice).

It's a shame she doesn't see that this is a health issue and isn't supportive out of insecurity.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

How much have you communicated all this with your wife, I know that’s hard but if you’re thinking of leaving anyways why not have the hard conversations and get her view point instead of just guessing as to what it could be? I have a good friend whose husband is a MC and she has gained a lot of weight over the years and feels very insecure about it and it was hindering their sex life. he sat her down and had some really good conversations with her about it. She didn’t tell me everything but she said one thing that stood out to her was he told her that when he looks at her and when he thinks about her he doesn’t even see the weight, he sees the 19 year old girl he fell in love with, he sees her love for him and her love for their children and that makes her sexy to him. Needless to say she loves dressing up for him now and even putting on a little show, he gave her that confidence! Losing weight and getting healthy has to be the her desire, just like it was yours you cant make someone else have the goals you do. What if it was reversed and she lost all the weight and you didnt?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This thread was started in 2011. According to his profile, the original poster hasn't been back to TAM since then.


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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

Well,well I guess old internet posts never do die!

Haven't thought about this forum for quite sometime although I did share some private discussions with other men going through similar things for a few months.

Was prompted to return when someone posted in this thread.A year later I am in even better shape,my wife much the same as before(overweight),but she has come to except,no longer trying to sabotage my personal goals,or making me feel bad for having them.I made it clear I would eat right,I would exercise my 3-4 times a week at maybe 45 each,would hope she would try to get in better shape but that was up to her.Even though I have a very busy company I run I still cook 90% of the meals and do all of the shopping,we all eat healthy(what I can control)

It became this simple for me,my kids are the priority in life,and visa via her as a wonderful Mother if she chooses to not be in better shape for me,and them for that matter then so be it.I will not hound her,make her feel bad,encourage her as much as possible,but at a certain point I have to go my own way with myself,being in shape and fitness.If it makes her feel bad,tough,she has every opportunity to exercise,eat right and at least try.

Oddly I think she likes the attention I get now,even from our mutual friends,like it makes her look better.

For the person who mentioned "talking to them"I have communicated at great length,in many ways and in a direct compassionate way...no good at all.That was a nice story about the guy who says he sees the mother of his children,the 19 yr he fell in love with etc.No offense but if it sounds like it came out of a movie,then its probably not all the genuine.Men and women both love to be as attracted to their significant other,and enjoy when they try to look their best.When they are not equal in looks baring some major issue like one party being very wealthy of prestigious then puts a strain on the relationship.

To the gentleman who restarted this thread,and talked about his wife sabotaging him,talking to her in a straight manor is wise,but at a point you have to make your own goals for you,if she gets with the plan,great,if not she will have to deal with it.Could be wildly off but it sounds like to me she wants to keep you in your place and have a lower sex rank then her.Now I cant imagine why exactly she would worry if she is so hot,but maybe in her mind,even subconsciously she believes if she out ranks you then your not gonna go anywhere.

My whole story is much more complex then this,but I will say losing weight,getting in shape was easy compared to dealing with the surprisingly negative response I got from some close people(wife,Mother)and on the other end new found attention.Tread carefully


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Thanks for updating your thread. I'm glad there's some improvement and hopefully, she will one day soon do something about her own weight gain. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

hubbyofindy said:


> Well,well I guess old internet posts never do die!
> 
> That was a nice story about the guy who says he sees the mother of his children,the 19 yr he fell in love with etc.No offense but if it sounds like it came out of a movie,then its probably not all the genuine.Men and women both love to be as attracted to their significant other,and enjoy when they try to look their best.When they are not equal in looks baring some major issue like one party being very wealthy of prestigious then puts a strain on the relationship.



LOL, When I responded I didn’t realize it wasn’t from the original poster.. I guess you never know. As far as this quote being a "nice" story. I admit it does sound straight from a movie and kind of sappy but if you knew this couple,,,,, they are probably the only ones that still give me some faith in the institution of marriage. I believe he really feels that way about her. He is so truly IN LOVE and attracted to his wife 36 years later. Like I said she has a hard time accepting how unconditional his love is sometimes also. I think it has to do with how amazing his value system is and his own self esteem.

I’m so glad your situation is a little better; don’t give up keep leading by the good example your being you never know what might rub off.


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## hubbyofindy (Dec 12, 2011)

doureallycare2 said:


> LOL, When I responded I didn’t realize it wasn’t from the original poster.. I guess you never know. As far as this quote being a "nice" story. I admit it does sound straight from a movie and kind of sappy but if you knew this couple,,,,, they are probably the only ones that still give me some faith in the institution of marriage. I believe he really feels that way about her. He is so truly IN LOVE and attracted to his wife 36 years later. Like I said she has a hard time accepting how unconditional his love is sometimes also. I think it has to do with how amazing his value system is and his own self esteem.
> 
> I’m so glad your situation is a little better; don’t give up keep leading by the good example your being you never know what might rub off.


Sorry if I come off a cynical,guess throughout my experience,which is quite extensive couples other then newlyweds profound statements of love despite some glaring issue,usually means it is an issue.

As an example I knew a woman married to a great looking,sweet guy who was an excellent parent and loving husband,but was never quite on the ball with his a career.She would tell him often she didnt mind he made less then his friends because of the above mentioned.He would even tell us how she felt about him,it gave him confidence,and he even tried to better himself to no improvement.

End result,despite her being far less attractive then him,she divorced him,shortly after getting engaged to a high earner,who looked like a cave troll and had the personality of a wet paper towel.Although this may be an extreme example and I really hope there are couples like you speak of,consider my eye brows raised.

Will say with the with the weight I am attracted to my wife in many ways,sure a part of that is my respect and love for her,but also just plain ole ascetic beauty.My bigger issue,even if I know she would indeed look and feel better is her unwillingness to try for me.You don't have to get to the mountain top but it sure would be nice if I could see you trying to climb it.

Lol,cant believe I am responding to a year old post.HubbyofIndy


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