# Married but no sex - Need honest help please



## marriedforever (Apr 17, 2012)

*NO SEX IN 8 Years - ARGHHHHHH HELP ME PLEASE ! ! ! !*

I am a female who has been married for 26 years. I have a very funny and helpful husband who says he loves me. My question is we have not had sex for the past 8 years, and no romance is there between us now. We share house and part of our life. He comes home and has computer interests that he will be occupied with until bed time for him. Which can be anywhere between 11pm and 2am. I usually do my own thing around the house and then go to bed around 9pm. My problem is although I love him I feel like I am missing out on love and romance. I will be 50 :smthumbup: next year and honestly don't want to feel finished with my love life forever. I have talked about this with him, and our doctor, but we were given instructions and medication for my husband to use........ and I was gutted when he did not take the pills. I have told him that I can not live like this any more and he listens but looks at me as if he is sick of me telling him. Please any questions, help or advise will be greatly appreciated. Fingers crossed. I need to take control of my life.:scratchhead:


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Married,

Tell him that either he makes an effort or it's time for the both of you to move on.

You shouldn't have waited 8 years to deal with this because by doing so you told him it's OK not to have sex with his wife.

Ask him to try the pills for you. Suggest counciling. If you get no action, you have your answer


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## marriedforever (Apr 17, 2012)

Thank you for your honesty. If I am honest I think I knew what was coming. However I must say that I did not really wait 8 years it just went on for that long. We did go to counselling, we were given tasks to carry out at home, the writing tasks I did, he did some of them,the sex or touch tasks he said were silly and he would try the pills. He gave up on the councellor soon after the third visit, saying it was very petty and cost a fortune. The tablets he never took are now way past expiry, he will need to get more, I will suggest that. 

Thank you again.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Sounds like you two need to have some date nights together. Maybe do something like take a dancing class for fun... whatever you two can do together. My advice is give him a specific task to do together instead of being on that infernal computer.


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## marriedforever (Apr 17, 2012)

Thank you. This hit me like a brick........ I should give him a task and see what happens. I will book a table at a restaurant and just tell him we are going, and then see if we can turn that into a date night. Cheers, I will let you know how it goes.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

What is he doing on the computer?


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

Does he ever try and can't (ED)? Doesn't sound like he is mad or frustracted - he just isn't interested? 1 week and I'm about to expode! Wow - 8 years, I can't image that - I'd feel really worthless, but he sounds fairly happy?. Have you tried wearing something sexy - any response? Did you used to have a good sex-life toghether or has things been like this from the start?


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## marriedforever (Apr 17, 2012)

Hi, no he does not even try. I have talked about it with him and he said he just never gets the urge, he never fancies sex........ not with anyone. I understand he could be lying, he could even be trying not to hurt my feelings. However nothing could hurt worse than this. I feel worthless, unloved, used, rejected and like a sibling in this marriage....... I am humiliated and embarassed, with no one to talk to anymore. I live in another country to my family, a country I love but all the same it is with his family, so if I left I would have no one. His family would choose sides as I have seen this happe. Blood is thicker than water etc. We have no children together as I had fertility problems. Help me please........


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

Has he always been like this? It's unnatural for a man to NEVER get the urge. There is definately something mentally or physically wrong with your h - or he has some other outlet you are unware of. Have you tried physically touching him or passionately kissing him? Any response at all? I noticed you didn't answer the question about what he is doing on the computer every night - do you know? It sounds like you and your h are good friends which is important, but a marriage should be bit more than that and sex/intimacy is a huge part. You have a right to expect sex in your marriage. He's not holding up his end of the bargain. Love should motivate him to want to meet your need for sex - even if it isn't his thing (which as a man I find hard to believe).


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## marriedforever (Apr 17, 2012)

HI,
Firstly to answer has he always been like this.......no he hasn't. We had lots of fertility treatment a long time ago. Sex became very much about schedules and temperatures, injections etc. It turned out after many years I had a reaction to his sperm and would not get pregnant. Although this took a lot of the romance away we loved each other and were determined to see it tthrough. I felt a complete failure, hence his computer gaming hobby became his vent and I just let it go. Now he is on his computer playing games every evening until bed. Don't get me wwrong, he helps me around the house, he will help out with cooking etc...... but as soon as it comes to out free time he disappears into his computer room. I know he is game playing because the door is open, I am ffree to go in and out,and the noise of ththe game too. He has just got addicted to something, and I can not sseem to get through to him. I feel as if he is just waiting for me to up and leave. But he swears that is not true. He says he will book us a table at a restaurant but he never does, I have to moan or keep asking........... is this just a stale marriage or is it a kick up the backside for me to leave?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Two things you need to rule out:

1. Porn use late at night (after you go to bed)
2. Inappropriate chatting with other gamers

Not saying those things are happening, but you should really make sure that they are not.


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

Where do you see your marriage in the next few years? Would the same situation be acceptable? If not, I think you should set some hard time limits for change, otherwise 8 years will become 10...15... - life is too short, why accept that you are doomed to be miserable? If change is needed, why not right now?


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## marriedforever (Apr 17, 2012)

Well thank you PooDoo, you certainly gave me food for thought. I have arranged a couple of days away from things to sort my head out and then I am going to confront him with my fears and depending on answers and reactions..... I will make my decision. It was the "if change is needed" that made me move because all I seem to have said over the past year is---- and I quote "things have to change"........so thank you for your time and support.


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## marriedglad (Dec 5, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Sounds like you two need to have some date nights together. Maybe do something like take a dancing class for fun... whatever you two can do together. My advice is give him a specific task to do together instead of being on that infernal computer.


I second Browncoat. Don't jump on him nagging and begging for sex. Get involved in some activities with him. Increase the intimacy between you two. Give him a hug when he's home from work. Dance with him, put his hands on different parts of your body and dance in that position with him. Build the urge in him by using your body. An accidental encounter with boobs starts pumping testosterone of every hot blooded man, your husband shouldn't be an exception. Thus, instead of forcing him to do something he doesn't want to (the pills and all), build the ground for him to do what you want him to do. :smthumbup:


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Does he exercise regularly or is he mostly sedentary? At this stage in life, it makes a huge, huge difference.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Same can be asked of the OP. 

If you read what has gone on with their sex lives it is easy to see that it had many negative connotations attached and has effectively flicked the "off" switch in his brain. Sex means regimentation, surgical precision and resultant failure and depression.

Don't ask, don't beg, go in there and just take. be as nasty as you like about it, do not make rules or expect anything other than action. Do not tell him how to touch, where to touch, or why, just make it a pleasant shock to his system, you need to reprogram all the bad programming that has gone into your sex life with trying and failing to conceive. It will not happen overnight, but with effort it will happen.


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## marriedforever (Apr 17, 2012)

Hi, thank you again for your help. I am taking on board all suggestions. I will add that I don't beg, in fact its the opposite I hint now and again. Also yes he is very fit and active, his job leaves no choice, it keeps him fit and healthy and very active. Maybe I need to look at myself....... more. I have gained some weight over the years with all the fertility treatments and steroids etc...... I am not a huge person but I have definately become more cuddly, which I don't like too much. I feel like its a circle, did I gain weight cos I am not happy orare we not happy cos I gained weight........ arghhhhhh I don't know anymore.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

marriedforever said:


> *Maybe I need to look at myself*....... more. I have gained some weight over the years with all the fertility treatments and steroids etc...... I am not a huge person but I have definately become more cuddly, which I don't like too much. I feel like its a circle, did I gain weight cos I am not happy orare we not happy cos I gained weight........ arghhhhhh I don't know anymore.


No one in the history of earth has ever regretted following this line of thinking. Look to yourself, do everything you can possibly do. Don't worry about whether it's weight from unhappiness or the other way around -- just try and focus on what you can control. 

Good luck.


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