# Couple of Questions on Reconciliation



## McDean

Basic Questions: 1) In reading a lot of the threads I was a little surprised to see the length of separation before reconciliation for those who trying the big R. Is there any evidence that supports a certain term - I've seen 1yr quite a bit, 3yrs more than I expected and 4yrs in one post which was quite surprising? Also, why so long and is doing the big R in less than a year unrealistic and why?

Specific Questions: 2) Not sure how to assess the following behaviors from my wife who initiated the separation 6 weeks ago: A) wanted to have a trial separation agreement that pinned down finances and custody/visitation - says she wrote it 2 weeks ago, have requested to see it several times, won't send it to me? B) Decided she would tell her family during a trip to visit them this month, told me a few days ago she doesn't want to now - 'her mind is not made up about anything yet' and doesn't want to stress them out at this point? C) I came up with an apartment for me/house for her plan we both thought was good, now doesn't want to live separate? D) Is still cold to me when we talk 75% of the time despite A-B-C?

All insights, suggestions, etc. welcome, thank you!


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## SARAHMCD

Sounds like she isn't sure this is the best idea and is waffling. What are her reasons for wanting to separate? Does she or you see them as fixable? She may be reaching out to you; trying to get your attention by telling you she wants to separate and hoping you'll step up and change her mind.


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## McDean

Good points and to answer your question SARAHMCD - I completely believe all of our problems are fixable. The marriage really wasn't in that bad of shape but a combination of a really tough 18 months on her, my over focus on my career and a few nasty fights wore her down I believe. However, since separating 6 weeks ago everything 'she imagined' about a new life has been worse from what I can tell and have been told by mutual friends. Two other couples we know are full on divorcing and to hear their stories our marriage looks like a wonderful relationship. She thought she had a crush on another man, she told me 3 days after I separated, I know she never cheated because he is more my friend than hers ironically and he dogged her because he didn't want to come between us, but even before he did that she pulled back because she realized he was me 10yrs ago lol...


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## SARAHMCD

Be careful when you say "the marriage wasn't in that bad of shape". She obviously thought it was. Enough to leave you! That's huge. Listen to her, really get her to talk about her issues. Also, it is only 6 weeks. When I left (for very valid reasons that my ex thought were easily fixable) in the first 2 months I panicked and wondered what the heck I had just done. It was looking around and realizing I was alone. And freaking out. But I got over that hurdle. So take this time to really figure out what went wrong, work on communication, and work on yourself.


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## McDean

Hmm- good points! I did partially dive into a 180 plan and have been working on myself - PC, Fitness etc....And granted, the marriage had to have some problems to end up in separation but I also think her medical issues compounded the problems. But listening to her is my primary goal anyway at this point given I was completely caught off guard by the whole situation. I still believe our family is worth it and we can be really good together. My fear about too much time passing in a separated scenario is not as much about her, sadly I have always known to some extent I am built to be a solo artist so I worry (with my recent refreshing taste of single life) that it will end up being me that drives us to divorce. The damage to my wife, my daughter (especially her) and even myself makes me really want to avoid this scenario. I love her with all of my heart and chose her above all others and still do.....


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## Orange_Pekoe

I think the reason most reconciliations are at the 1-year mark are because, at least where I live (Canada), you have to be separated for a year before you can get a divorce. Couples think "the other spouse will come around, I'll just flex my muscles and wait"...then they see formal separation/divorce papers and realize, "Oh crap, it's really happening. I don't want a divorce."

At least that's what happened in my case. I gave him official papers at the 11-month mark and he asked to move in with me.

Your wife doesn't really want the divorce, that's why she's still living with you and hasn't told her family. But be prudent, ensure there's no financial reason either.


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## Dude007

Be sure there is no favorable outcome for you if it ends? As the left sounds like you are hurting and will try anything to "fix it". The begging if u will. Try and block out emotions and what positives exists if SHE bails. Sometime left person in much better shape and leaver takes all the blame. Just thinking around the chessboard you are in.


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## McDean

Excellent points! It does seem to me too, she may not completely want the separation/divorce but I know I need to take some measures to protect myself if it moves forward anyway etc....The limbo is killing me of course!


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## cdbaker

My wife and I were separated for 3+ years, though I don't think there is any common reason for it being that amount of time vs. 1 year or 2 years, etc. She was frustrated with the marriage, we were both pretty immature about it, and so she hooked up with another man and was with him for about two of those years. A few months after he was out of the picture, we started communicating better again, and about a year later she moved back in with us. (Our daughter and I) I have a pretty long and detailed (multi-year) thread here somewhere that describes my mess detail. Now it's two years since she moved back in and we are expecting our 2nd child early next year.

Not knowing much of your story, I could imagine your wife just trying to push you to commit... or I could see her truly unsure of what she wants. Excluding abusive or other "must escape" situations, women tend to not "jump ship" from one marriage until they are pretty confident that they have a better situation lined up and ready to go. That could be an affair or a presumed new relationship on deck. My wife left a total of three times, but came back quickly the first two times when she realized her affair partner at the time wouldn't actually run away with her as he had told her he would. She returned because she was so afraid of being alone, without support, etc. She hung on not because she was seriously thinking about making the marriage work, but only because the timing suddenly wasn't right.

Something to consider.


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## McDean

cdbaker said:


> My wife and I were separated for 3+ years, though I don't think there is any common reason for it being that amount of time vs. 1 year or 2 years, etc. She was frustrated with the marriage, we were both pretty immature about it, and so she hooked up with another man and was with him for about two of those years. A few months after he was out of the picture, we started communicating better again, and about a year later she moved back in with us. (Our daughter and I) I have a pretty long and detailed (multi-year) thread here somewhere that describes my mess detail. Now it's two years since she moved back in and we are expecting our 2nd child early next year.
> 
> Not knowing much of your story, I could imagine your wife just trying to push you to commit... or I could see her truly unsure of what she wants. Excluding abusive or other "must escape" situations, women tend to not "jump ship" from one marriage until they are pretty confident that they have a better situation lined up and ready to go. That could be an affair or a presumed new relationship on deck. My wife left a total of three times, but came back quickly the first two times when she realized her affair partner at the time wouldn't actually run away with her as he had told her he would. She returned because she was so afraid of being alone, without support, etc. She hung on not because she was seriously thinking about making the marriage work, but only because the timing suddenly wasn't right.
> 
> Something to consider.


Holy cow! That is quite a reconciliation story. Not sure I would have the fortitude to wait out a 2yr relationship she is having with another man!!


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## McDean

So, the confusion continues! Now she tells me that she really has no attraction to me anymore like she once did. But then says she is not sure or not whether it will return. But could see living with me as best friends. Which I quickly said is not going to happen from my end. Friends is the right option for co-parenting our daughter but not cohabitation as just friends. 

Am I nuts? What is going through her mind??? 

Is her lack of attraction related to the emotional break she experienced???


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## MrBeaman

I smell affair...maybe only emotional affair at this point.

This is the same kind of stuff my ex started to pull. She asked me to move out, then trial separation.

The next thing she will tell you is that she doesn't love you the same way. Then it will be I need some space...

I tried to downplay the EA and it turned into a physical one shortly thereafter.

My advice is to dig deeper. If you still have access to her phone go through it.

I might be wrong but what happens if i'm right?


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## MrBeaman

A question for you. Is she protecting her phone, facebook and other related communication devices? Does she seem secretive? 

My ex had her affair with a co-worker...


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## McDean

Great points, and right now she is not hiding anything from me - phone, facebook etc....so probably only EA at this point if that....but still, the up and down behavior has me seriously doubting what she says and our chances for R....


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## Marduk

McDean said:


> Excellent points! It does seem to me too, she may not completely want the separation/divorce but I know I need to take some measures to protect myself if it moves forward anyway etc....The limbo is killing me of course!


What you're doing is being the safety net.

Making it very safe for her to go and crush on other guys, have one foot in the independant single world, and one foot in the safe married zone.

Take away the safety net.

See what she does. If she comes back, maybe.

If she doesn't, she was actually gone a long time ago.

"Wife, I can't live like this. I think you should leave."


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## MrBeaman

There's only one reason to guard stuff from you. And we both know what that is...there's no doubt in my mind that she is having some kind of affair.

You're best chance for reconciliation is to figure out who it is and expose...if it's someone else that is married than exposing him to his wife will smash this fantasy to pieces.

If you can't figure it out I agree with Marduk, shape up or ship out.

You can also get a free consultation with a lawyer...keep it secretive for now. Just know your rights and what to do.

I made a separate bank account right away and the moment it went down I went and took what was mine.


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## cdbaker

This all sounds very familiar. I too smell an affair. Either an EA situation with another single guy, or an EA/PA with another married guy. In any case, it sounds VERY much to me like she is just trying to keep you on deck as her back-up plan while she focuses on her primary goal of replacing you. It's also worth noting that, as Plan B, you'd still only be a temporary source of support for her if Plan A falls through, until she can find a new Plan A.

In any case, typically the only effective solution is to go full 180 pretty quickly.


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## Stretch

I is in the future, immediately draw up your own separation rules including "no dating".

If she agrees, you have a shot but it will take some time.

Implement all the separation items and start living your own life without her. Suggest MC and start if she says yes.

The time apart will force her to consider what she is giving up.

Any type of relationships during the separation will reduce your chance of R significantly.

After two years apart and relationships by both of us my WAW and I have struggled for a year trying to R with the infidelity being a constant source of pain and obstacle to our success and happiness.

Good luck,
Stretch


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## McDean

Stretch said:


> I is in the future, immediately draw up your own separation rules including "no dating".
> 
> If she agrees, you have a shot but it will take some time.
> 
> Implement all the separation items and start living your own life without her. Suggest MC and start if she says yes.
> 
> The time apart will force her to consider what she is giving up.
> 
> Any type of relationships during the separation will reduce your chance of R significantly.
> 
> After two years apart and relationships by both of us my WAW and I have struggled for a year trying to R with the infidelity being a constant source of pain and obstacle to our success and happiness.
> 
> Good luck,
> Stretch


Good points, thank you!


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