# Do you force your spouse to work?



## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

Just looking for some opinions on whether you put pressure on your spouse to do what's best for them or for the family in terms of working? My wife is on parental leave right now with our new baby, and has mentioned she'd like to stay off work indefinitely, rather than go back in 6 months as originally planned - this will put our finances under pressure, but I get that she loves being a homemaker and has never had a career she found fulfilling. We've 'made a date' to talk it through this weekend (yeah with 3 kids we need to make a freakin' date to chat now ) but I just wondered what experiences y'all have had in this area and how you handled it. Thanks for any advice!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think most people would like to stay off work indefinitely. 

Agreeing to be the only breadwinner means you will be living with a lot less money, will be in simply an awful position should you ever divorce, and puts you in a position to ask/beg her to go back to work if extra cash is needed. The longer people are out of work, the less they want to go back, generally speaking.

Just my anecdotal experience, ymmv.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I never went back to work. My husband has 2 part time jobs plus his full time job and works very hard. I'm now disabled due to a neck injury and homebound due to severe pain. Of course I was denied disability due to being a homemaker too long.

I hardly doubt I would of returned to work anyways. My husband fully supports me. Yes, we are strapped for cash. We pay 2,000 per month for health insurance this past year. That killed us. We just make do with what we do have. I'm so grateful for my supporting husband. Even if I wasn't disabled, he would support me of staying home and never returning to work. 

There is nothing wrong with being a homemaker. The kids get sick and I can easily take them to the doctor. I get them ready for the bus, I'm home when they return home. They are raised by me instead of someone else. Summer is a nice long break too where they need their mom too. My girls are 8, 10, and 17. I know where they are 24/7 and here for them always.

I truly understand why your wife wants to stay home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, daycare is very expensive, especially for an infant, so maybe if you can handle it for a year, that will lower the price of care.

You want to make sure that her working doesn't just pay for daycare. that would be silly.


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## DoRight (Dec 10, 2011)

DoYouWoo: you have been deceived. You and your wife had an agreement before you had the kid. Now she doesn't want to work? 

This CAN work out well and there is a certain joy that comes with being or being married to a stay at home mom. 

You need to define what you would get in return for this. Would you expect the house to be clean? Food on the table? Some kind of guarantee that you will get regular sex? 

If your wife can decide to change her mind about a major item like whether she is going to go back to work after the birth, what is to say that she will not change her mind about how often you get laid? 

This did not happen to me. But it did to many of my friends.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, it would be realistic that a SAHM would work in the home. That is her job. Right? At least I think so, although I have some friends who don't want to work and don't do shet around the house. Mind blowing.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Personally, I would not force my wife to work if she did not want to. It really depends on what will be best for the collective happiness of the family as a whole. Unarguably, kids are better off if their mother is home with them. And your wife admits that she would be happier not working. So there are 4 people who would be better served with your wife not working. A happy homefront is worth more than money, in my opinion.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Before you sit down together figure out the current budget and the new budget (if she stops working) on your own. Consider asking her to do the same so hopefully nothing will go unnoticed. It might end up making more sense for her to stay home afterall. 

After having our first child I was the breadwinner, so obviously I worked FT. Once I became pregnant with my second I decided to work weekends only (nursing field, so "every weekend" bonus helped). If I continued working FT while paying for two children in daycare, I would have only earned $100 a month. That's obviously not worth it. After I gave birth to our third I H earned a fellowship. It was a lot less than other families would be willing to live on, but we have great budgeting skills so we decided I'd be a SAHM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joanie (Oct 24, 2010)

I feel fortunate to have had children when I did. I actually don't know any young mothers personally who are able to stay home in today's world! I had a great career and then didn't work for about a decade while I raised three kids. When the youngerst one started second grade I felt it was time to get a part time job. My husband actually wished I would just stay home but I needed the social interaction. I feel so badly for those who wish to be full time moms but finances permit this from happening. I don't know how I would have managed if I HAD to go back to work with an infant. Glad I never had to find out! If there is any way you can swing it....let her stay home and raise your kids for at least a few years. I NEVER regret that decision. Eventually I got back into full time (when the youngest started junior high). I have a fantastic career once again. No regrets.....just great, adult children!


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Childcare is really expensive. Unless you plan on picking someone off of Craigslist (which is risky) or you have family at your disposal (and I'm assuming they'd want some money for taking care of the child full-time). I would do as WhereAmI suggested about the budgets, then price daycares for a child under 1, and see if it would even be worth your wife going back to work. 

Good Luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband would have supported me no matter what I chose to do when we had our 1st but we had too many things working against us for me to continue working....#1 Driveway from Hell in the winter- would have required a 2nd 4x4 and his worrying about me safely on the back country roads #2 didn't have anyone to babysit, this would have eaten what I was making #3 Plus it wasn't a high paying job anyway. 

So I choose to say home and lived very frugally. I did take on side jobs around his schedule off & on throughout our marraige, jobs that could be worked around the weather & wintery roads. 

I hearilty enjoy being just a SAHM, he has even told me he wouldn't want me to work, he enjoys me being home... to get him breakfast every morning, and just take care of the house , kids, docs appointments, etc. It works very well for us- for the last 22 yrs . But I was a real Tight wad !! Now that we are debt free, I have loosened up a bit, a little more generous with the spending.


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## Joanie (Oct 24, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband would have supported me no matter what I chose to do when we had our 1st but we had too many things working against us for me to continue working....#1 Driveway from Hell in the winter- would have required a 2nd 4x4 and his worrying about me safely on the back country roads #2 didn't have anyone to babysit, this would have eaten what I was making #3 Plus it wasn't a high paying job anyway.
> 
> So I choose to say home and lived very frugally. I did take on side jobs around his schedule off & on throughout our marraige, jobs that could be worked around the weather & wintery roads.
> 
> I hearilty enjoy being just a SAHM, he has even told me he wouldn't want me to work, he enjoys me being home... to get him breakfast every morning, and just take care of the house , kids, docs appointments, etc. It works very well for us- for the last 22 yrs . But I was a real Tight wad !! Now that we are debt free, I have loosened up a bit, a little more generous with the spending.


I was actually home last month on a three week medical leave. I loved it! There are times when I do wish I could work part time instead of full. I would have to give up my job that I love however, and that would be tough for me.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

OP, does the thought of being the sole breadwinner sound like something you want?

A lot of focus in this thread is the feasibility of it, but I got the impression from your post you were hoping she'd return to work, and that was the potential conflict.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My mother desperately wanted to stay home with her four children. However, my father could not support her lavish tastes and his children alone. She worked, but she hated it. It made her bitter and she often took that out on her kids.

I know a woman who has an affluent husband. She only works because she wants to. They have one little boy and this woman once told me that she needs to be out of the house. 

How about a compromise? Your wife could be a SAHM until the last child is in school full time. When that happens, she can try to train for a career. This way, she gets to be a SAHM for much longer than six months. You will only lose income for a few years, as opposed to forever. 

Some women do not find happiness in career aspirations. Others cannot imagine not having their own income, no matter how meager it is. I am one of the latter.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Realistically, you should think about the next 20 years or so when making a decision like this, I think, and balance it with what is good for the children. Do you want your kids to have an opportunity to go to college without graduating with a debt equal to a small mortgage? Is it important for the children to have a few years where mom provides a nuturing foundation? Looking at it this way, there was just no real pressure involved in our case. My wife really wanted the time to be with them, at home, until the last went to school. It was a stretch, but worth it. Then, she went part time through school, to be able to be there when they got home as many days as possible. Much of her income went into tuition savings, trips to places that we wanted them to see, and her own retirement planning. Of course, she would've liked the chance to stay at home, but just realized that she needed her career and friends to avoid the tendency towards depression, which is something that she struggles with.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

If you can, in any way, afford for her to stay at home, I'd let her. Being a working mom is very hard on women as well as their children. The kids are raised by someone else, while the women are constantly working. I would love to be a stay at home mom, and it's not because I think it'd be easy or anything (definitely WOULDN'T be!) but because I think it would be better for our children if I could spend more time with them - instilling the morals we want to teach them, supervising them more, etc.... but we can't afford it, at all.

It's a big decision, but IMO if that is something your wife wants and something totally possible for you - then perhaps let her. Maybe give it a few more mos til you make up your mind (because staying at home isn't for everyone) but, I def think in many cases it's what's best for the family.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I became a teacher so I have my kids' schedule  Kinda the best of both worlds. I don't bring anything home.

Maybe a part time job? That is, if you have cheap/free daycare.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Where I live part-time daycare is $100 a month less than full time. Where I am - part-time makes no sense unless working on partner's off time so they can child care. Can she babysit or work from home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is an important decision that you and she need to make together. 
There are a lot of things to consider.

I like the idea some had about having each of you come up with a budget independently and then looking at them. What can you both cut back on to make it affordable?

How much have you helped with the kids up to now? 

How hold are your 2 older children?

How much does each of you do right now in the care of the children, the household, cooking, etc? How will this change? 
When would she go back to work?

I’m a little concerned that you say she has never found any career field that she likes. What has she done? Is this more to do with her just avoiding a career? 

An alternative would be for both of you to work and for the two of you to share the child care and home responsibilities. A lot of people where I work do that. The husbands and wives take turns being home with sick kids, taking kids places, etc. Maybe look at some alternatives that give you both more flexibility.

One couple I know, both MD’s share a position at a practice. That way they both work ½ time and one of them is always with the children. And they have a lot of family time. While you might not be able to do this, there might be some other arrangement you can make.

It’s important for parents to be very involved in raising their children. It’s also very important in today world for both spouses to have a way to support themselves and the children if the need arises.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Another thought. I have known several people who did in-home day care so that they could stay at home with their children.

One of my sisters-in-law does this. She has two kids at home. She home schools her kids and the other ones she watches. They belong to a home school organization. So the kids get exposure to a lot of things. There are other parents who teach subjects that my sister-in-law and brother cannot teach.

And this way she can earn money and be with her children.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

I would prefer if my wife didn't work for at least 2 reasons. 1. I think ( well, I know) it costs more for my wife to have a job than not. She had a temp job for a few months and when all was said and done her earnings did not go toward a single bill or family expense. Most of her earnings went toward the startup costs and related expenses associated with having a job- clothes, gas, makeup, lunches. She got a speeding ticket which was over 1/3 her weekly gross paycheck. Granted, this was a low paying job and the numbers would work out differently if she had a huge earning potential- but I imagine in many families with 2 spouses, at least 1 spouse has fairly low salary potential- especially if it's the case of one who has taken time off with kids already.

2. Someone has to raise the kids. full-day M-F school doesn't really happen until around age 6. In our case, the kids are home completely the first four years, then graduate up to 30ish hours in school eventually. So at the most there are 30 hours a week when the kids don't need at least 1 parent, and 0 hours for the first several years. When I was a young kid my parents worked opposite shifts. My dad left early and came home around 2 pm. My mom worked from around 3pm until late. They always had the same day ( weekday, and just one day, no such thing as 5 day weeks and weekends off in this work) off, and I always had a parent. I couldn't do this with my wife because we live in a different economy with less opportunities for that type of scheduling, and we would never see each other. My parents split when I was around 6 for the first time, and I couldn't imagine staying married to my wife if we never saw each other.

I try not to be judgmental about these things, but I believe parents should raise their own children and that is my preference as a father. If someone else really has to spend a lot of time with them, I would prefer a family member like a grandparent, but many of those are deceased, have their own careers,and/or have to delay retirement and work forever themselves. I really don't understand why parents ( who have other options) put really small children in daycare. I have friends who had a baby and in the first year had several vacations without the baby ( weeklong cruises and such while the baby stayed with grandparents) and the baby was in daycare. That's just a really foreign lifestyle to me. And i'm not talking about people who HAD to have 2 jobs ( if they did they couldn't afford vacations and daycare). I'm talking about people who "had" to have 2 jobs if they wanted to have a kitchen remodel this year and get a new car. Some people value that more than raising their children i guess. i understand there are many families who HAVE to work just to get by. When I was a teenager my dad and my stepdad had died and my mother had to work because she was a single parent. i had younger siblings who had to spend a lot of time in daycare and after school babysitters. My mom had to work because she was the only one, and she managed to get a decent job in a completely new field 4 years after she last worked. And I'm sure a lot of families are like that- especially with an absent parent or one that is disabled or can't work. Someone has no choice but to stepup. But a lot of 2 parent families (of at least middle class income/occupation) only need 1 income. The second is to pay for daycare, the extra transportation/food/clothing costs incurred by the job, and luxury spending. I also understand that many people want to have a career because they find fulfillment from that ( though this topic is about "forcing" someone to work, presumably for the paycheck), but it's a choice to have children.. and you really can't "have it all" at the same time.


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## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

Wow thanks for all the responses so far. I really had never thought she wouldn't go back to work, so it's more of a surprise than something that I am unsupportive of. It's not that she hates jobs/careers or is lazy, she works her a-- off at home with the kids and gets fulfilment from that and is happier in general - all huuuge plusses. So I think I want her to stay at home with the kids, we'll just need to look at the financial side of things. If we can sort that out then I think as a family we'll be happier. I'm looking into additional income sources like internet marketing and part-time jobs, to hopefully supplement our income. I do recognise that in the short-term anyway we will have to tighten our belts finance-wise (as opposed to loosening them over Christmas turkey-wise!).


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ther are many benfits to stay at home with the children.

1. they most likley will do better in school. 
2.summers are fun because they wil be able to play outside and mom will always be close by just in case
3. super on the table clean cloths and house.
4.because you are making a huge sacrafice for your wife and family she will apreicate you and sex will be fantastic.....NOT
5.If you get divorced you will be screwed. she will get the better settlement and you might have to pay alimony for a long time.
6.she will have plenty of time to enjoy the family while you get to work like a dog to suport it.
7.after the kids are grown she will make every effort to go back in the work force......NOT
8.she wont be building any retirement money or ss 
9.money will be tight so forget about date nights or any hobbies you have all money will have to go to raising the kids.
10.she my start to resent the fact that you don't make more money 



this is a bad idea unless she signs a post nuptual agreement that if the marriage fails she can't take everything.

I might sound cynical BUT a very large % of marriages fail and its best to protect yourself from finical ruin.


I have very mixed feelings on this particular subject. my wife has broken every agreement we had at first it was just until the kids were in school and she would look for employment then it was what will we do during the summer when the kids are off. now she still says she will look for a job but never dose.


today is a different world most families have 2 incomes and are still struggling to get by. 

are you ready for NO vacations,driving old cars that you have to fix yourself (car payments are expensive) putting off home repairs or jerry rigging thing because money is tight.

oh and wait until they get a little older, activity costs,christmass expences, cloths alone are costly(shop at thrift stores) dosn't matter they grow out of them at an extreamly fast rate.

and I am missing a ton of shet, just be for warned after all the sacrifices she might up and say I love you but I'm not in love with you.

and then you will get to pay her alimony.

just take a look at the coping with infadility board and see how often this happens.


I would never let my wife stay at home unless she signed a post nup stating the she get nothing if divorced.

I'm not divorced but wish I had made her sign some sort of agreement to protect my assets.

she most likley will be mad at the sugestion but stand your ground and say listen I love you but I'm not stupid.if you want to stay home thats fine but this is the deal if you don't like it you can leave now or keep your job.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I predict a future nice guy


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

When my ex husband and I decided I'd be a SAHM, this is the stuff we looked at.

Depending on the cost of living in the area you're at and the type of care you want for your child while you're both working. I'm sure you'd want reputable child care, not a point and click from Craigslist, and again unless you have someone in your family at your disposal, I don't know about you and your wife, but I never allowed anyone outside of family to watch my children. The one and only time I took a reference was a mistake, she didn't watch my kids and was really irresponsible (she was one the phone the entire time and my kids destroyed my house)
-------------------------------------------------------------
How much do daycare centers cost?
Childcare for babies and toddlers
While your child is in the baby and toddler stages, you'll pay more. That's because kids this age need more hands-on care and so the center must hire more caregivers. The average cost of center-based daycare in the United States is $11,666 per year ($972 a month), but prices range from $3,582 to $18,773 a year ($300 to $1,564 monthly), according to the National Association of Child Care Resource & Referral Agencies (NACCRRA). Parents report higher costs – up to $2,000 a month for infant care – in cities like Boston and San Francisco. 

Parents reveal how much they spend on childcare
Topping the charts with costs over $10,000 a year for baby and toddler daycare are the following states, beginning with the most expensive: Massachusetts, New York, Minnesota, Colorado, California, Illinois, Washington, and Wisconsin.
By contrast, the states with least expensive childcare are Mississippi ($4,650 a year on average for an infant or toddler), Kentucky ($6,500), and South Carolina ($5,850).

You have to do what's best in the interest of YOUR family. Even though we could've afforded it, it really wasn't practical for me to work.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

DoYouWoo, just do yourself a favor and make sure this is what YOU want, because if you agree to this, you lose a lot of control in the relationship.

Meaning, if over time you start to feel resentful because you are working two jobs and she (for whatever reason) starts slacking off around the house, you can't force her to work. This would be in her eyes what you agreed to.

Worse, if she finds a reason to end the marriage, you are probably going to lose your kids and 50%+ of your take home pay to support a non-working ex wife. You would need a third job just to maintain the tightened-belt lifestyle you were living pre-divorce.

So just be very sure this is what YOU want so you can look yourself in the eye later if it goes wrong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> ther are many benfits to stay at home with the children.
> 
> 1. they most likley will do better in school.
> 2.summers are fun because they wil be able to play outside and mom will always be close by just in case
> ...


One of my brothers is going through this right now. HIs wife actually did work as they owned their own business and the kids hung out at the business with them. But she has not 'official' employment record. She got a BA an MA while married as well. But now that the kids are grown she has filed for divorce. She claims in court that she's been a SAHM the entire time, that she cannot get a job (she's 40 with an MA). Since he has worked a lot of overtime so that she and the kids could have what they wanted/needed she is trying to get the courts to give her alimoney at a level that will force him to work 60-80 hour weeks for the rest of his life.

The last year and a half of his life have been hell as he fights this.

She has absolutely no appreciation for the fact that he has litterally runed his health working long hours to give her and their children the gift of being a SAHM.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoYouWoo,

I would be very careful about taking on long hours at work to do this. It is not worth driving yourself into the ground. In the end I dobut your children and your wife will appreciate it. The will remember that you were not there.. not that you wore your self to the bone so that your wife can stay home.

Not enough time with your family will most likely end with your marriage falling apart and divorce.

It it takes you working 2 or more jobs for her to stay home, do not do it.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Acorn said:


> The longer people are out of work, the less they want to go back, generally speaking.


Also, the longer they are out of work, the longer it will take to find a job.

If your wife already has a job to go back to, with benefits, etc., then she should to go back to work and pull her financial weight.

It will be VERY tough for you to fully support her AND THREE KIDS financially. You may build up resentment towards her in the long run, and that will be detrimental to your marriage. 

I would think that raising 3 kids would need 2 incomes. JMO. We have ONE child and it takes both of our incomes. But we also have room (financially) for vacations, dinners out, new clothes when we need/want them, etc. You have to weigh it all out. 

What are you willing to cut WAY back on with just your income? No more family vacations? No more dinners out or movies?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> DoYouWoo,
> 
> I would be very careful about taking on long hours at work to do this. It is not worth driving yourself into the ground. In the end I dobut your children and your wife will appreciate it. The will remember that you were not there.. not that you wore your self to the bone so that your wife can stay home.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> DoYouWoo,
> 
> I would be very careful about taking on long hours at work to do this. It is not worth driving yourself into the ground. In the end I dobut your children and your wife will appreciate it. The will remember that you were not there.. not that you wore your self to the bone so that your wife can stay home.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. While the intangible benefits to the kids and the family unit can't really be argued, given the reality of the world today, I think a few practicalities have to factor into the decision as well. It's important to remember that the happiness that comes from mom at home can easily turn into resentment that dad is never around if you have to provide the dual incomes to support the lifestyle. Some of the things I'd ask once you re-work your family budget to include the variable of a new infant:

1. With the added child care, etc., would her previous income contribution still need to be replaced or would rebudgeting your contribution be sufficient?

2. If you re-work the budget to make staying at home feasible, how good are you both at sticking to a budget? Looking deep down at yourselves, will you guys really stick to not ordering take-out instead of cooking or impulse Amazon orders or whatever little splurge habits tend to sneak up on you. Some people have no problem clamping down on things like that...other people (guilty here!) find it a bit harder. That's a big thing to look at. Will you be able to live day-to-day and year-to-year with the choice when it comes down to it or is it going to end up with second mortgages and maxed out credit cards?

3. Is she talking about being a SAHM forever? Til the kids are in school? What exactly is her plan? What if the budget doesn't work out? If needed is there something she could do part-time or from home? I think you really have to talk it out as a plan past the afterglow of a new addition.

Even without the what-ifs of a separation or divorce down the line, there's a lot to consider beyond the ideal situations that go down on paper, just be sure you consider the realities of the personalities involved and all the contingencies first.


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## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

Yeah I see that everything isn't going to be rosy further down the line - maybe she can ask for unpaid leave from work for an extra 3-6 months and we'll see how things work out financially. Several of you have made the excellent point that I would end up resenting her if I was working all the hours God sends and never seeing the kids - like 'Ok you're happy now but I sure am not...'., I've been thinking a bit too short-term I guess. I'll start buying lottery tickets too;-)


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'd run the numbers through a spreadsheet.
Her not working might put you in a different tax bracket and there are other credits and such depending on reduced income. 
Then there are the efficiencies gained from not working such as ability to do things at home you used to pay others to do, including child care, and also the avoidance of the costs associated with working (clothing, commuting, office contributions, lunches out, upkeep of appearance for business purposes). Hidden benefits might include better health long-term depending on the work situation (when I work I tend to cut down on fitness)...

With a spreadsheet, you can tweak here and there different expenses and savings and financial decisions...it may be that she can get a part-time job that will make up any difference...

You can chart/graph the different scenarios with different costs and benefits associated to find out where her per-hour wage is, and then make a decision from there.

The book "Your Money or Your Life" can serve as a good guide to look at the big picture and to be more creative about finances and work situations.

I've been in the workforce a long time and I see a lot of moms whose salary gets eaten up by commuting, child care, lunches, clothing, office obligations, taxes...and when push comes to shove they're earning much less than they think per hour take-home, plus spending time getting ready for work, getting to and from work, managing overhead associated with work, in off-work time.... They could easily earn that in a part-time job or just make that by staying home with their own kids. Of course, work is good. For lower income moms there is earned income tax credit, child care benefits, etc. But for middle-income people, it gets very murky, especially with younger children and dual-income. Another option is to have both partners work reduced hours, 20-30. Or seasonal jobs. 

Having good spreadsheet skills and maybe even getting a tax accountant to look things over, or getting the advice of a financial advisors, can help everyone to look at the decision more objectively, and whatever decision they make, to feel better about it. AND to set up a system to make sure that it is working according to plan.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

DoYouWoo said:


> Yeah I see that everything isn't going to be rosy further down the line - maybe she can ask for unpaid leave from work for an extra 3-6 months and we'll see how things work out financially. Several of you have made the excellent point that I would end up resenting her if I was working all the hours God sends and never seeing the kids - like 'Ok you're happy now but I sure am not...'., I've been thinking a bit too short-term I guess. I'll start buying lottery tickets too;-)


How old are your other children?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I'd run the numbers through a spreadsheet.
> Her not working might put you in a different tax bracket and there are other credits and such depending on reduced income.
> Then there are the efficiencies gained from not working such as ability to do things at home you used to pay others to do, including child care, and also the avoidance of the costs associated with working (clothing, commuting, office contributions, lunches out, upkeep of appearance for business purposes). Hidden benefits might include better health long-term depending on the work situation (when I work I tend to cut down on fitness)...
> 
> ...


As has been said, you both need to define the work she will do at home, and how that will effect your life. For example, I have not had to grocery shop in almost a year, because my wife does it during the week day. She runs a lot of errands during the week, when stores are less crowded, to free up time for me to spend with the family. She considers that part of her job.

She also cuts coupons and still spends time searching for deals to save us money. Again, that is her job as a SAHM, because she has the time. 

Those types of things can help make this work, but you need to be honest with your self about whether you and your wife are the types to follow through on this.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Also, the longer they are out of work, the longer it will take to find a job.
> 
> If your wife already has a job to go back to, with benefits, etc., then she should to go back to work and pull her financial weight.
> 
> ...


We have 3 girls that are 8, 10, and 17. My husband works 2 part time jobs. He tells me that some days he is jealous that I'm home, but he does not resent that I can not work or bring in an income into our home. 

We don't mind cutting back on material things. They are not important to us. We've gone on vacation over the years, but not often. Our vacations are planned very cheap however. We use frequent flyer miles and find awesome deals on rooms with a kitchen or partial kitchen and washing machine. We have 5 free plane tickets waiting to be used now. My husband takes the girls camping. 

We don't have cell phones or the latest gaming systems for our kids. We don't have a boat, snowmobiles or ATV's. We don't go out to eat, all our meals are home cooked from scratch with fresh eggs right from the nest! I even bake our bread. We are a very happy family. I appreciate everything my husband does, I'm not tired at night and I don't deny loving from my hubby. 

We have a roof over our head, happy well behaved children, good food, pets, and I could not imagine life any other way. It's really not impossible if you budget your money well. We do it.

Edit to add 2 part time jobs along with his full time job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> We have 3 girls that are 8, 10, and 17. My husband works 2 part time jobs. He tells me that some days he is jealous that I'm home, but he does not resent that I can not work or bring in an income into our home.
> 
> We don't mind cutting back on material things. They are not important to us. We've gone on vacation over the years, but not often. Our vacations are planned very cheap however. We use frequent flyer miles and find awesome deals on rooms with a kitchen or partial kitchen and washing machine. We have 5 free plane tickets waiting to be used now. My husband takes the girls camping.
> 
> ...


like to talk to him over a beer! sounds kinda crappy to me 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs.

when dose he have time to spend with the kids? or do something he likes.

IMHO you can only do it for so long and then you start to feel like whats the use now I'm old and the kids that i never got to be with are grown and whats left.

takes a special person to pull it off.

and while you are on here hes working 3 jobs.:scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok, I am divorced but will tell you how we did it: we both worked full-time. In fact, in all our years together, neither of us was ever w/o work full-time. It's the only way I know (even still) and I couldn't imagine ever not having a job. Then the divorce came and I was so happy I wasn't a housewife cause who would have helped me out? Seriously?If you can't look out for yourself, you are SOL.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> like to talk to him over a beer! sounds kinda crappy to me 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs.
> 
> when dose he have time to spend with the kids? or do something he likes.
> 
> ...


He's been doing this the last 7 years. One of his jobs is teaching at a college online. The other part time job is a small business he owns. They both pay pretty well for part time.

Yes, I'm on here. My husband fully supports me. I support him with all his interests. He is home every night for dinner. My husband showers me with affection daily, we do our best to please one another.

I'm also disabled from breaking my neck 4 years ago. I'm homebound due to the pain, I can not walk far. Not an easy way to live if you ask me. I would never wish it upon anybody. 

I fully appreciates what he does and I tell him often. I never take anything for granted, trust me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> He's been doing this the last 7 years. One of his jobs is teaching at a college online. The other part time job is a small business he owns. They both pay pretty well for part time.
> 
> Yes, I'm on here. My husband fully supports me. I support him with all his interests. He is home every night for dinner. My husband showers me with affection daily, we do our best to please one another.
> 
> ...


I see your situation as different - but if someone has to work a part-time job on top of full-time so an able-bodied person can stay home - then something's wrong. The SAHM should take part-time work while dad chills at home with kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> He's been doing this the last 7 years. One of his jobs is teaching at a college online. The other part time job is a small business he owns. They both pay pretty well for part time.
> 
> Yes, I'm on here. My husband fully supports me. I support him with all his interests. He is home every night for dinner. My husband showers me with affection daily, we do our best to please one another.
> 
> ...


How many hours a week does your husband work away from home?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> I have well more than three kids and we manage fine. I do work from home where I can though have been doing more outside work in recent years as the kids get older. It is not true that it's hard to find a job after being home in my experience. I was home till my eldest was in high school without working outside the home at all (youngest was still preschool) and I have no problems getting a good job competitively at all. I recently worked a contract for more hours than I have before and it was not a good thing for my relationship. My husband has been unhappy about the sacrifices he has had to make to accommodate my level of work and has asked me to resign several times (I haven't). The money is nice but the price is not worth it. Reducing my hours and/or finding work at home works better for our family. I'm fortunate that my husband views my work at home caring for the family as being valuable even though it doesn't carry a salary. Being a SAHM is not a holiday, I put my all into being a great wife and mother. I have to admit, to see the tangible evidence that I can be financially independent and make it on my own if I chose to is very empowering for me.


If you don't mind my asking, what kind of work do you find that you can do at home?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> I see your situation as different - but if someone has to work a part-time job on top of full-time so an able-bodied person can stay home - then something's wrong. The SAHM should take part-time work while dad chills at home with kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would agree with this in a lot of situations. Let both parents spend time with the kids and house chores. And both parents can work outside the home. That way both parents keep up the ability to suppor themselves if something happens to the other parent. And the children get time from both parents, not just one.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> He's been doing this the last 7 years. One of his jobs is teaching at a college online. The other part time job is a small business he owns. They both pay pretty well for part time.
> 
> Yes, I'm on here. My husband fully supports me. I support him with all his interests. He is home every night for dinner. My husband showers me with affection daily, we do our best to please one another.
> 
> ...


InLove: yes yours is a special case. It seems like you would do whatever you could to make your marriage a success. I'm good with that. Disability could happen to anyone. No doubt. You are different from many stories I get. 

I am a working man. There are SO many men who are really pissed at their wives. Wives that swore they would keep working after the kids were born. Oh and then they would get a job once the kids were in school. or they'll get a job once the kids are 10. Never happens. Meanwhile the husband is stressed out to heart attack levels at work. While the wife shops or volunteers for free in whatever charity time filler she wants. Oh and she is just too tired from all of her volunteer work to lay the husband. "he's just so selfish". 

The OP needs to think this thru very carefully.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

There are various pitfalls to all of the scenarios. These days not having two incomes is very challenging. That means most men whose wives stay home have to work much longer hours and have mutilple jobs.

When the children are off to school you can end up with a lonely and bored SAHM. Getting a job then is very tough but doable.
If not then you have a situation of one partner doing most of the work and needs are not being met for either partner. The husband becomes critisized for putting work ahead of the marriage. You run the risk then of the wife seeking attention elsewhere. Also the husband seeking attention with a work place EA. Just a touch scenario.

It does seem a bit unfair to me for one spouse to not work after the kids are in school. 

A few years back my wife lost her job that she loved. After a while she let me know she was probably just going to retire ...
Retire!? Huh? Frankly I will probably get to retire when I slump over on a keyboard dead. But I digress. Anyway, more important than bringing home more money I saw that my wife needed for her own mental health to be engaged in work actibvities. So I insisted that she look for something part time. Long story short she has what is for her the perfect job. The hours are pretty easy and she gets to be creative in preparing for the next day of work. 

Staying home on facebook all day or just watching TV is not healthy. People need to be productive and they need to conribute to the marriage.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Also, the longer they are out of work, the longer it will take to find a job.
> 
> If your wife already has a job to go back to, with benefits, etc., then she should to go back to work and pull her financial weight.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Pure gold. True wisdom.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Where I live part-time daycare is $100 a month less than full time. Where I am - part-time makes no sense unless working on partner's off time so they can child care. Can she babysit or work from home?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Working on opposite shifts is a killer for most marriages.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> Why the assumption it is hard to get a job when you have been home? I found it easy. I did do several months of voluntary work beforehand to lay groundwork to relaunch but it's really not been difficult.
> 
> If you think SAHMs are on Facebook or watching TV all day you have no idea. I find work a break.


I think once the children are in school that many if not most SAHM become lonely and bored. There are plenty of SAHM mom's who end up sleeping much of the day away, watching TV and on facebook. Many does not mean all. 

Work is a break when there is a balance. When you are the primary bread winner and working crazy hours to support the family you end up hating work and you end up neglecting your families other needs. One thing I liked about my second job was that it was a break from my primary job.

But lets go with the work is a break. Then I suggest that lonely and bored SAHMs whose children are off to school, go ahead and take that break. Let their husbands get to work more sane hours and rejoin the family.


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