# Handling a move...a 2 year old...and life...



## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

Lots of family changes coming up.

Now that I'm done with school, I've been able to really make a lot of headway with my business. In doing so, we're gearing up to move to California in about 3 months. My wife is ecstatic, yet she's depressed on and off, from trying to deal with her back pain. That puts a huge strain on our relationship.

We've talked about moving to California since we've been together for the last 8 years, and I can honestly say, we've finally managed to make it happen.

I gotta say though, regardless of her back pain, nothing challenges a marriage more than a 2 year old in my opinion.

Recently, my son has taken a much stronger bond when he's injured or sad with me, than his mom. I know I probably shouldn't do it, but sometimes I find it a bit comical that he does this, and obviously laugh. My wife gets pretty mad that I find it funny. She feels hurt, by both of us...It's just my personality I guess. I think nothing of it because I mean seriously, the kids 2. They go through all sorts of weird development phases. 

How do you guys deal with this stuff? Is there anything that works to appease your spouse into not feeling 'rejected' from their child?

I've tried to get my wife go to couples therapy here in town (I can get it for $15 / session due to having a student income). I've had it setup each time, and she's a bit surprised I think that I'm serious about doing it, yet each time, she backs out of doing it at the last moment. I feel that there are things in which talking to a professional out loud about, even when there aren't any issues in a relationship which can help a lot. I think she's afraid of somehow opening up pandora's box with her childhood which was pretty bad and not being able to cope. 

Any advice for this? I don't want to force her to go, and told her I think its just good relationship building regardless of the place we are...so it's non-confrontational...

tl:dr; We're going to move, but things are challenging because of my wife's back pains. 2 year old is coming to me for comfort, instead of mom, and it's making her upset, yet I get a bit of a laugh out of it since he's only 2, then she's pissed at me. How do you guys deal with this? Any advice to get my wife to actually go to couples therapy with me? We've tried, but she's always backed out at the last minute.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

I don't see the issue, what does it matter who the child goes to for comfort, as long as they are comforted. I do have a two year old also.

If this is disturbing your wife, you shouldn't be laughing, if she is feeling hurt.

If your wife is coping with serious back pain, why i must ask would you wish to cause her mental pain and then find it amusing all whilst knowing you are doing it.

I would assume your wife can not comfort your son as much when she suffering pain, as in picking up, as you would normally do hence your two year old sees you as the easy target, sometimes you can go over the top with behaviour like that, my own two year will bump himself or fall and just play on, if he gets really upset i will comfort him, but if anyone else got there first i wouldn't have a problem with it either. We have huggle time any time though.

I think the issue in your wife's eyes maybe is not that you are comforting your son, but how you are dealing with it towards her.


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## fairday (Apr 13, 2012)

Wut2Do said:


> Is there anything that works to appease your spouse into not feeling 'rejected' from their child?


Sure. 

By taking my spouse's feeling seriously. 

By not laughing at my spouse or making light of a situation that pits my relationship with our child against my spouse's relationship with our child. That just would never be good for my marriage or my child!

By encouraging the relationship between my spouse and my child to deepen and grow in any way that I can. 

If I'm the one my daughter comes to when she's hurt, I can do things like include my husband in the comforting process. I.e., "O, I can see you're sad, honey. Would you like a "family hug?" I can make sure that he has free time to spend with our child. I can make sure that he has "special" activities that he does with our child (and I stay out of), even if that's brushing teeth and reading a story before bed. I can talk to my husband about how important it is to me to see the great relationship he has with our child, how much I value that in him. 



> I've tried to get my wife go to couples therapy here in town (I can get it for $15 / session due to having a student income). I've had it setup each time, and she's a bit surprised I think that I'm serious about doing it, yet each time, she backs out of doing it at the last moment. I feel that there are things in which talking to a professional out loud about, even when there aren't any issues in a relationship which can help a lot. I think she's afraid of somehow opening up pandora's box with her childhood which was pretty bad and not being able to cope.


Sometimes it's hard to read tone into what people post on the Internet. So, I may be totally off-base in my comment here. Please accept that I'm being sincere and trying to be helpful.

It sounds, to me, as if you have a notion that this marriage counseling will be, in some ways, mostly about/for your wife. You set it up. Repeatedly. Even though it sounds as if you know she's not comfortable with and doesn't actually want to go to the sessions. You said that she seems surprised that you are following through with the notion and actually arranging counseling. I don't feel like that kind of thing should be a surprise to your spouse. She should know how serious you are about it, why you want to do it, why you think it will help your marriage, because you've told her. 

What have you said to your wife about why you continue to setup these counseling sessions? How have you explained why you think they are necessary or important to your marriage? What was her reaction? What does she say when she backs out of the appointment? 

If you're sincere about counseling for your marriage (for both of you), and are looking for ways to improve the health of your marriage by opening up communication, have you been really open about your own fears/trepidation about counseling? Have you talked to her about what you think YOU will gain from counseling? How you think it will make you better able to be a good husband and helpmeet to your wife? Have you offered to turn over the reins of choosing a therapist/setting up the time/place to her?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why CA? Our business climate is soooo bad and our taxes are CRAZY! We're trying to get out. lol Born and raised here but enough is enough!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

My ex was (and is) not too keen about the day-to-day grind of raising little kids, so I have some insight.

The truth of the matter is that kids are loyal to both parents. But they figure out really quick who takes care of business and meets their needs; 2 y/o is plenty old enough for this to happen. If your son comes to you consistently for needs and comfort there must be a significant and persistent discrepancy in how much each of you do for him.

So, your wife is feeling betrayed by your son. Kids are brutally honest, but not malicious. Your son's behavior clearly says you take better care of him than she does - no more and no less. You should not be throwing it in her face. At the same time you should not minimize yourself for an important job well done.

The real issue here is your why your wife is experiencing such a lack of confidence from your son. What has she done to overcome her back problems? What effort does she make to interact with him however she can? For instance, she might not be able to bathe him or run around at the park, but she certainly can snuggle up for a book or movie at bed time.

Moves are stressful. This is a good chance for your wife to step up and demonstrate her willingness to meet your son's needs. OTOH, if she fails to do so, your son's current perceptions will be reinforced. Whatever you do, do not cut back on your devotion to your son. Your wife needs to step it up, the problem is not you setting too high a bar.


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