# What to do when your spouse doesn't share an important interest?



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

My wife and I are in many ways different. She is an introvert and likes the indoors. I am somewhat extroverted and more outdoorsy. Our interests overlap but don't parallel each other. Overall, I think it's a GOOD thing and we have a great relationship. Been together 22 years, celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in two months. 

There is one issue that somewhat bothers me, but it's not major. I just thought you guys could talk me through this. My primary hobby these days is writing and recording my own songs. I play guitar, banjo, mandolin, and bass guitar, plus I sing. So, a couple of years ago I bought some stuff to record with and made a home studio. I record all parts myself and process the recordings. I can't say it's GREAT, but not bad for an amateur. 

The problem is that my wife is not into music and really shows zero interest in my music. In 20 years of marriage, she has never asked me to play a song for her. If I bring the guitar in and sit in front of her, she'll listen politely, but I never get complimented. Others I play for really enjoy it. To be fair, she listens to talk radio in the car or the news and rarely listens to music. 

I have asked her if there is something she particularly likes, but she says no, she doesn't have a favorite. 

So, I do understand that we are different and that she just isn't into music. But I have a hard time understanding how you can NOT show an interest in something that means a lot to your spouse? 

So, thoughts? Ideas? Recommendations? Should I just forget it and do my own thing?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

It's just the way she is. Music is just not her thing. She probably enjoys it but will not seek it out. When you sing, do you ask her opinion, like "How did you like that one"? Have you written a song just for her and told her you wrote it just for her?

Make sure to eliminate your wife having resentment for your hobby. Is it keeping you from spending more time with her, something that she needs. Make sure you REALLY know the answer to that. 

Do you show interest in what she does?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> It's just the way she is. Music is just not her thing. She probably enjoys it but will not seek it out. When you sing, do you ask her opinion, like "How did you like that one"? Have you written a song just for her and told her you wrote it just for her?
> 
> Make sure to eliminate your wife having resentment for your hobby. Is it keeping you from spending more time with her, something that she needs. Make sure you REALLY know the answer to that.
> 
> Do you show interest in what she does?


I would not say there is resentment involved. I don't let it interfere with our time together. I have written songs for her, and she says they are good, but isn't very enthusiastic about it. Now, don't get me wrong, she helped pay for my recording stuff and encourages me to play/record. She just takes no real interest in it. I think it's just who she is, but I'd love to see her share SOME interest or even just ask me to play her a song one day.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

yes, just do your own thing and maybe at some point she'll get interested and appreciate.

certainly don't push it.

i'm in a similar boat. I LOVE hard rock, blues, live music and my wife could really care less.
she likes church music and easy listening
she'll go with me to a concert once in a while, but only to be with me, not for the music.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

IDK, I don't see the big deal. My wife and I have many things in common, and other things that are just personal to us. All that matters is just making the most of the time together. I honestly wouldn't want my W to feel forced about showing interest in a hobby of mine that she has no interest in. Likewise, if I had to show interest in cooking or the various cookbooks she likes to read, I would probably look miserable lol.

Definitely much worse issues to have then just this :grin2:


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> My wife and I are in many ways different. She is an introvert and likes the indoors. I am somewhat extroverted and more outdoorsy. Our interests overlap but don't parallel each other. Overall, I think it's a GOOD thing and we have a great relationship. Been together 22 years, celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in two months.


My partner and I couldn't be more different. I think it is wonderful that you see the wonderful positives to having someone compliment you in life.



> The problem is that my wife is not into music and really shows zero interest in my music. In 20 years of marriage, she has never asked me to play a song for her. If I bring the guitar in and sit in front of her, she'll listen politely, but I never get complimented. Others I play for really enjoy it. To be fair, she listens to talk radio in the car or the news and rarely listens to music.


I am in a similar boat in a number of instances. I play guitar also, but do it by myself for similar reasons as you do.



> I have asked her if there is something she particularly likes, but she says no, she doesn't have a favorite.
> 
> So, I do understand that we are different and that she just isn't into music. But I have a hard time understanding how you can NOT show an interest in something that means a lot to your spouse?
> 
> So, thoughts? Ideas? Recommendations? Should I just forget it and do my own thing?


It is unfortunate but it is a genuine difference in interests. Imagine you put a plate of lasagna in front of her. Imagine it is your favorite, but something she doesn't really enjoy. Naturally, she would be indifferent to it.

I think the fundamental problem here is that she has little interest in it AND has no real way to participate. Partners can go hiking together, even if one doesn't enjoy it as much. There is still a way to enjoy it, as there is time to unwind and communicate.

Definitely don't try to force it on her, as that will have negative repercussions.

I do recommend respecting her lack of interest. Definitely do not take it personally. Look for things that you both enjoy doing together and highlight those.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

What bluinbr says is right. Maybe you could write a song just for her, spilling those heartfelt feelings into the song. A good blues song is usually conducive to getting a message across. Maybe burn it on a disc saying "for my one and only love", with a card and chocolate, and give it as a gift? It's hard to say what will work not knowing her.

There's nothing wrong with having different interests. My wife and I differ in interest in many things, i.e. I am an audio/videophile, she could care less; I blog on the internet, she doesn't; I like sports, especially high school football, she doesn't really care about it that much; she likes to cross-stitch, I don't :grin2: ; she does FB regularly, I don't. Sometimes I do wish she would show more interest in my interests, but she understands and doesn't give me a hard time about them. I'm thankful to her for that.

One thing we have always been able to do most of the time is communicate. Some subjects better than others, of course, but we do communicate. She does try to accommodate me occasionally by showing interest. I can't expect her to actually like it, though. But that's okay, at least she tried.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Thanks everyone! Yes, I do understand that it's just something she isn't into. I guess the point I don't understand is how she can be so NOT into something I enjoy. If she started a new hobby and was way into it, I would certainly try to learn about it and take an interest in what she does. We both have different hobbies, and some are more important than others. I fish and kayak, etc. but don't ask her to be involved since she has no interest in that. And really, the music thing isn't a big deal. It doesn't cause any hard feelings except maybe something fleeting on my part. She HAS listened to my music before and offered insight into the mix and whether one part is too loud, soft, etc. But generally, she just has no interest. Oh well, life goes on...

I don't push her on this and like I said, there are no arguments over this or anything like that. I just wanted to vent for a bit.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
She may not like music, or she may not like your music. Don't put her in the position of needing to pretend that she likes your music, or needing to tell you that she dislikes it. Writing songs for her will just make it worse. 

Just find time to do things that you both enjoy together, and then pursue your hobbies separately.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Perhaps, but I don't think that's it.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

opuss said:


> Maybe she's tone deaf and when you play the mandolin it sounds like screeching owl.


Could be.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Banjo  that's the reason...


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

john117 said:


> Banjo  that's the reason...


Love me some banjo!


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Thanks for the responses. Sounds like I need to just not worry over it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Just trying to look at this from YOUR perspective, walking in your shoes.... I'd feel the same way.. .. I think anytime we have a strong passion.. we'd so love for our spouse to share IN IT with us - on some level where we feel it's appreciated....

Most especially an art like MUSIC.. wouldn't any songwriter feel on top of the world to sing HIS SPECIAL song to his beloved, to feel her excitement rise as you poured the words out to her.. to move her.. 

Yet she sounds so -so about it.. 

Yeah .. that would royally SUCK ...it's disheartening.. anyone would feel this way.. 

I think if it was a different sort of hobby, it wouldn't bother you AS MUCH... but music *IS expression*, *it's your gift*... you long to share it with her on some level.

If a love song is on his lips (not that you said you write these types)... but you'd want to sing them to her, if not about her.. or you're going to get into some trouble !! 

Having said all that.. I think it's pretty common for couples to be stark opposites in some passions..I see this all the time... I for one love to READ.. and well.. write / forums like this.... my husband would fall asleep doing these things.. no interest what so ever.. 

When we met.. I was into Heavy Metal.. he was a Soft Rock guy...but he went to the concerts I wanted to go to.. so I can't complain.. He even started to love metal... but when I started leaning towards Grunge /Nirvana type stuff ... it halted.. He's happy if I take someone else to those Concerts!.. What can you do.. 

Enjoy your music.. the day another woman gets all giddy over what you play, and raves in front of her.. it may get more of a rise out of her.. funny how it sometimes works like that.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

john117 said:


> Banjo  that's the reason...


Hopefully its not Deliverance style dueling banjos.

If he's cool more Bela Fleck?:wink2:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She doesn’t need to share your interest to give you ONE compliment. Your post makes me sad, in a way. It doesn’t take much effort to make your SO feel good, and this is one such occasion that shouldn’t take much effort. Everyone has opinions, this is mine.


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