# Please advise me!



## Kay8282 (Nov 27, 2012)

In september this yr i discovered my husband was exchanging a ton of texts with a woman he claims she wanted him but he says he didnt. I found it hard to believe, was so sad and hurt but forgave and let it go. A week ago I discovered he started chatting and flirting with another girl on facebook and this really devastated me. Im 4 months pregnant and i felt like he was showing his true colors. He appologized sunday and cried to me saying he cant live without me only to go back and continue chatting with her tuesday and flirting even more with dirty talk. I left the house for 3 days then returned... We sleep in different rooms now... We have been married a year and half, he has been so sweet to me but its things like this that make me feel like im married to a careless stupid man. He says im the perfect wife, i wonder what makes him do this. We had other issues already like his extremely poor or non existant communication skills... Now im wondering if it is the end or should we consider counseling. I dont know what counseling would do with him, he is annoyed with questions and simply blvs he should be forgiven. please share your wisdom with me. He is not even trying to reach out to me and see how I'm doing or feeling.... I tried discussing things tonite and he more or less I made a mistake, sorry, get over it. I told him that was not enough. What does this mean?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

It means he is trying to sweep what he has done under the mat - rug-sweeping.
He probably does not realise what he has engaged in is an affair, as hurtful to a spouse as a physical affair (PA), if not more hurtful sometimes.
There are some good 'stickies' at the top of the coping with infidelity forum (CWI), those & some of the other posters will give you good advice.

You need to make sure he has stopped ALL contact with the other women (OW). As his wife you should have free access to his phone, computer, email, facebook accounts. If he complains about having his privacy invaded, then he more than likely has something to hide.

From what you have said, he is fine communicating electronically with other women, he just can't communicate face to face with you. If he will go to councelling, I strongly urge you to do that, but be wise with your choice of coucellor. You do want one who is knowledgable about emotional affairs (EA)


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

One, you need to stop forgiving him so easy just so you can avoid conflict. That helps no one, devalues your forgiveness, and breeds resentment. 

Secondly, this is very serious. At only a year and a half in and with a baby on the way he should be mr. grinning and madly in love. The fact that he isn't is very alarming and don't for one second think it'll 'get better' or 'go away eventually.'

It won't, unless you put a stop to it. 

What hes having is called an Emotional Affair (EA abbreviation) and they are nuclear threats to marriages. Don't down size them. They sap emotional energy and loving affections that should be between the two in the marriage and instead give them to a 3rd person outside of the marriage. 

A few months of texting, facebooking, emailing, etc can have a husband/wife telling their partner the same old "I love you, but I'm not in love with you and want a divorce" crap because they're in an affair with someone. 


Affairs are secret things and like fungus, they need darkness to thrive. Bring it out into the light by exposing his affair to family.

Then you need to deliver an ultimatum with MC at the heart of it. 

If you don't get to the bottom of this EA it can go physical before you know it or not. 

As an example, Devastated dad's wife had her emotional affair discovered.(his thread is on the coping page) Devastated thought he put an end to it, but in the short future his wife had sex with her Other Man (OM abbreviation) multiple times. 

EAs are like weeds, either you get em early and get em fast or they will grow beyond most control.


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## Kay8282 (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks for the response. I totally agree with everything said. I'm realizing that it is easy for me to forgive and that only brought us back to square one. And I also believe my husband has deeper rooted emotional issues. He can't really look me in the eyes much and the way he talked to that woman is exactly the way he used to talk to me before we got married only through text. Face to face he doesn't know how to even express himself. He has an online personality so different than his face to face personality... When we r discussing anything he is uncomfortable about he is dead silent and has this I'm so scared and fearful look... It frustrates me and makes me feel like I'm dealing with a second grader just caught stealing. A part of me wants to quit but I also feel like he has great qualities worth saving if he would be open to counseling. I just wish he would communicate with me.... I've opened up so much with him and he has not at all... I'm not interested in a physical bond without an emotional one... Instead of him investing in us emotionally he is investing it elsewhere.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't know what sort of counseling can turn a lying sack of dog poo into a trustworthy, responsible adult. Send your daddy and brothers over there to give him an adjustment. He already knows what he's doing is wrong. He just needs to be sufficiently motivated to quit.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

i would give him an ultimative if you are going to stay married to him.
he can change everyone can, he choses te easy way out for him.
i would not start a family out under these conditions.
he needs to establish boundaries with other women, no opposite friendship for life.
complete transparety and some couple help for communication,
in every marriage one person has to drive the bus because the partner is lost for a moment, this is your chance, one person can start this change.
if you do nothing he will think you will accept this kind of marriage and life, you cant do it, its not a marriage you will feel safe in.
tough love and only that will work, dont blame his past its his lack of boundaries and direspect nothing else.
stop with the excuses.
he shapes up or its the highway, go to a lawyer, open up your own bank account show him you will not stay in a marriage like this the way he is. make him believe you are moving on.
if he refuses to change ask him to move out, tell him its to emotionally upsetting to you especially being pregnant.
he is financially responsible for you and your child let him feel what it might be lije if he doesnt change and the marriage dissolves, expose his inappropriateness to his family his coworkers, friends the ow's families, a good dose of reality will wake me up, just tell him you will do whatever you have to do save your marriage and family.
then go on and live your life.
when you stop filling his needs he will realize what he will lose.
come back when you need support and the rest of the plan to recover.
if you dont do anything he will be having sex with other women while married to you, you fight for whats yours, make him step up and be a man stop letting him hide behind i cant because of this or that, you allow him that out, just say no more, finished with that your are an adult about to be a father grow up.


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## Kay8282 (Nov 27, 2012)

I feel so much better... i tried talking to him last night but talking never helps, i'm lecturing and he's listening... and really never gets it because nothing is fixed...

I sent him an email and i gave the ultimatum of divorce or therapy... i know he will say the therapy but what i'm hoping for is him realizing what issues he has internally and at least verbalizing it to someone... I don't know when i become the therapist for him but at least knowing that i am trying my best helps me feel like i have done my best, the rest is on God... and I'm content with that destiny...

Thanks all to your responses, it really helped and meant a lot to be able to vent and be heard and get suggestions... i'm so grateful!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kay8282 said:


> I feel so much better... i tried talking to him last night but talking never helps, i'm lecturing and he's listening... and really never gets it because nothing is fixed...
> 
> I sent him an email and i gave the ultimatum of divorce or therapy... i know he will say the therapy but what i'm hoping for is him realizing what issues he has internally and at least verbalizing it to someone... I don't know when i become the therapist for him but at least knowing that i am trying my best helps me feel like i have done my best, the rest is on God... and I'm content with that destiny...
> 
> Thanks all to your responses, it really helped and meant a lot to be able to vent and be heard and get suggestions... i'm so grateful!


Couples counselling and/or a mediator might help.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

His behaviour is indeed unacceptable and trust must be restored. For this to happen the OW has to go, he needs to admit his faults and communicate openly and honestly about his feelings and desires. Investigate clearly but lovingly his change of attitude and why the loss of affection. I can only hope counselling benefits him and your relationship but be has to put in this effort if it's to work out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kay8282 (Nov 27, 2012)

Hi everyone,

My husband apologized and asked for forgiveness. He promised it was a mistake and it will never happen again. I said it will take time for things to get back to normal. He's trying to be normal by giving me hugs, kisses, holding me close in bed... none of which I can return. I can't look at his face, I can't return his hugs or kisses and I can't push him away. In our relationship, I'm the bubbly happy talkative one... now I'm not even able to bring myself to smile at him... I feel so depressed... Our finances are not allowing us to start counseling immediately and I'm still looking for a cheaper way to do it or an alternative. I'm not sure what is it that I am expecting from him to fix things. He has never been the type that sends me thoughtful messages or surprise gifts, he has never expressed his feelings in words... he is doing what he did best, tell me he loves me and give me hugs and help around the house... I don't care for these things, at least not right now. I feel like I have a magnifying glass that is showing me all of his faults and shortcomings and things that never bothered me before is making me think about whether or not I even want my husband to remain as my husband. Is this normal? I feel like an alarm has gone off in my mind where I want to separate our finances, separate myself from him, go after my own goals, and before all this I was willing to sacrifice and allow him to finish school while I support before I go back to my masters. Now I feel like maybe it's not worth it, maybe I need to prepare myself for a crude awakening that might hit me again. I'm lost, sad, need of wisdom, I am praying and asking God to help, please share your thoughts.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

a mistake! Would that be the mistaken action before you knew, or a mistake that you found out, or maybe a mistake that he did it again and again.
Mistake indeed. I'm sorry but buttoning up your shirt the wrong way in the morning is a mistake. this...... not so much.
Tell your MD about the added stress in your life, you've got to keep that little one healthy.
Can you go visit family for a few days?
I'm sorry you have to go through this.


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