# Husband is depressed doesn’t know if he is in love with me anymore



## Lperdida (22 d ago)

My Husband has been fighting depression for maybe a year and finally seeking help. The other day he said he found himself just being angry and wanting to be alone. It caused a fight between us because basically he indicated he wasn’t happy with his life and didn’t know why because he knows we have a good life. I took it personally, cuz he and my son are my life, and I thought he felt we were his life. Fast forward to today he confesses he loves me but is not in love with me, he loves our son, but finds it hard to want to do things with him and that to take into consideration he doesn’t love himself right now either. I find myself in despair with these words, and feel like we are hanging from a string. I never imagined a future without him and do not want too. He says he doesn’t want to end our marriage but to also keep in mind he doesn’t know what he wants or what will make him happy.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So he’s basically telling you he’s not into you sexually and is hinting he’s open to a relationship with another woman. That sucks to hear. But that’s what he’s telling you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Lperdida said:


> My Husband has been fighting depression for maybe a year and finally seeking help. The other day he said he found himself just being angry and wanting to be alone. It caused a fight between us because basically he indicated he wasn’t happy with his life and didn’t know why because he knows we have a good life. I took it personally, cuz he and my son are my life, and I thought he felt we were his life. Fast forward to today he confesses he loves me but is not in love with me, he loves our son, but finds it hard to want to do things with him and that to take into consideration he doesn’t love himself right now either. I find myself in despair with these words, and feel like we are hanging from a string. I never imagined a future without him and do not want too. He says he doesn’t want to end our marriage but to also keep in mind he doesn’t know what he wants or what will make him happy.


@Lperdida I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

How long have you been to been married? What are your ages?

When you say “finally seeking help”...how long has he been depressed? Was he diagnosed as depressed recently?

The language that you use to describe the events sounds like your husband may be involved with another woman. Could that be a possibility?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

He finds it hard to do things with his son. That’s very heartbreaking for you and your son. But I can tell you plenty of people go along with marriage and kids and act like that, and they cry depression.

I’m not sure thats it’s depression. 

It simply sounds like he is a cold and detached person who is unhappy with having to give anything to anyone. 

Listen to everything he’s telling you: of course he doesn’t want to end the marriage. But he’s telling you he doesn’t want to do the things a normal husband and father wants to do. He’s chillingly telling you the truth. ‘I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s needs but my own, and I’m not even going to move out and get a divorce. You have to accept me for who I am. I don’t need to love or care for anyone. But I’m going to stay married.’ 

You don’t have to accept any of this, and you should be very angry. 

Did he actually go seek treatment and consistently stick to it by himself? Or did you get the ball rolling and do this for him too?


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP, if he just recently started IC then maybe give him some time. But, I would say you are well within your rights to demand that he work on this with his IC. Tell him you can give him a little time to get his head screwed on straight, but you won’t wait long and you and your son will not sit around in some sort of limbo while he decides if he wants to be a husband and father.

You should also consider having a consultation with a family law attorney to see what a divorce might look like for you. I’m not telling you to file, but many will do a free initial consultation and that could be worth your while. Good luck. Do not let him walk all over you, stand up for yourself. He does not get to use his “depression” to step out on you, or whatever he is up to. Good luck.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Check his phone. Many spouses say these exact words when they are cheating. 
if needed check the phone bill too - to see if one number repeats often.
If possible also check his computer.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Beach123 said:


> Check his phone. Many spouses say these exact words when they are cheating.
> if needed check the phone bill too - to see if one number repeats often.
> If possible also check his computer.


This.

He could be depressed OP, but if you read stories on here of infidelity, even emotional affairs, quite a few spouses were battling depression, and complained of being unhappy with their marriages. All too often, there was someone else in the background. I would just pay attention to what Beach suggested.

May be nothing there, but you never know.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> This.
> 
> He could be depressed OP, but if you read stories on here of infidelity, even emotional affairs, quite a few spouses were battling depression, and complained of being unhappy with their marriages. All too often, there was someone else in the background. I would just pay attention to what Beach suggested.
> 
> May be nothing there, but you never know.


Anorher person in the backgroubd wouldn't be the cause. Just a symptom of his issues.
If he says he isn't loving himself at the moment it indicates depression and personality dissorder related issues including issues with wmotional connection. This would make him more prone to cheating, but it depends on what type of underlying personality (dissorder) he has.

What he discribes sounds like:


Luckylucky said:


> He finds it hard to do things with his son. That’s very heartbreaking for you and your son. But I can tell you plenty of people go along with marriage and kids and act like that, and they cry depression.
> 
> I’m not sure thats it’s depression.
> 
> ...


This type of behavior is found in schizoid people. Those people love, but dpn't want emptional connection or responsibility. Of they have kids, they don't enjoy interacting or being with their own children.
some can cover and pretend for a while to be normal. Others don't. 
Your husband sounds like a covered schizoid.
Charly from '2 and a half men' for example is a covered schizoid character and Sheldon Cooper from TBBT is an example of an not covered schizoid personality.

These two are extrems, but they are highlighting the issue. Both characters lack the desire to be in a close relationship with others.
One almost living sexless for most of his life and the other seaking and prefering countless emotionally dettached sexual encounters over a stable relationship.

Schizoid is more often in men then in women. Many people don't know it, but it is pretty common besides borderline and narcissism. 

It is just an example. Your husband could have another issue. 
But your husband words are what schizoid people say, if they say anything. 
To a normal peeson it might sound not logical. Loving someone, but not wanting him close (his child) makes no sense we woukd think. But that is exactly where the term 'schizoid' is coming from or what it actually means if you translate it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

elliblue said:


> Anorher person in the backgroubd wouldn't be the cause. Just a symptom of his issues.
> If he says he isn't loving himself at the moment it indicates depression and personality dissorder related issues including issues with wmotional connection. This would make him more prone to cheating, but it depends on what type of underlying personality (dissorder) he has.
> 
> What he discribes sounds like:
> ...


We don’t know what he’s telling his psychiatrist, who knows.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

??? 
Are you 'critsizing' (me for posting) my thoughts, because



Luckylucky said:


> We don’t know what he’s telling his psychiatrist, who knows.


after you did post your thoughts on it? 
I hope I am just reading this into it due to my poor English, and you meant something else


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## Lperdida (22 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @Lperdida I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
> 
> How long have you been to been married? What are your ages?
> 
> ...


I am 45, he is 50. We have been together for about 18 years, married for 10. He has been, per him - not officially diagnosed, depressed for about a year. He just finally spoke with his Doctor who put him on Prozac and has him set up for an appointment with a someone in Jan. His feelings of depression started with not being where he thought he would be business wise and losing a job he was really good at. After which he started working two jobs to try and make the equivalent at the previous job. Finally convinced him to stop that and work only one job. He is at work every morning at 10 am and is home every night by 8 pm. He emphatically says there is no one else.


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## Lperdida (22 d ago)

Luckylucky said:


> He finds it hard to do things with his son. That’s very heartbreaking for you and your son. But I can tell you plenty of people go along with marriage and kids and act like that, and they cry depression.
> 
> I’m not sure thats it’s depression.
> 
> ...


I got the ball rolling for him to finally get help by having the fight we had the other day. That is how he finally got Prozac and an appointment set up for Jan.


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## Lperdida (22 d ago)

snowbum said:


> So he’s basically telling you he’s not into you sexually and is hinting he’s open to a relationship with another woman. That sucks to hear. But that’s what he’s telling you.


I have asked and asked and asked. I would rather you tell me than I find out, and that he should also rather tell me, than I find out.


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## Lperdida (22 d ago)

Exit37 said:


> OP, if he just recently started IC then maybe give him some time. But, I would say you are well within your rights to demand that he work on this with his IC. Tell him you can give him a little time to get his head screwed on straight, but you won’t wait long and you and your son will not sit around in some sort of limbo while he decides if he wants to be a husband and father.
> 
> You should also consider having a consultation with a family law attorney to see what a divorce might look like for you. I’m not telling you to file, but many will do a free initial consultation and that could be worth your while. Good luck. Do not let him walk all over you, stand up for yourself. He does not get to use his “depression” to step out on you, or whatever he is up to. Good luck.


Thank you, I know I should seek an attorney as I have made a good life for us in the present and have plans in place for our sons education and our retirement that I want to ensure are not in any jeopardy.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

I will give you one possible version of events based off my own experience. I had depression, brought on by my involvement with another woman in an emotional affair. I felt considerable guilt as I was, what I thought happily married until I met her. 

I confessed, but the damage was done at that point, nothing quite trumps the rush if new love. So my married life seemed grey by comparison and I had deeply hurt the woman I had made a life with for the previous 15 years. Regret, remorse all took its toll, but rather than trying to fix things with my wife, I questioned everything, I lost my self identity in cheating, I didn't think I was disloyal.

What I'm trying to convey, is that until he sorts his depression, and the real core reason for it, be the lack of life success or another woman, there is nothing you can do, it's his problem to resolve. He has rightly or wrongly identified you and your child as a potential source of his discontent, he needs to do right by you and figure it out. I'm really sorry you find yourself here, be supportive if you can but start preparing yourself, don't allow his problems to drag you and your son down with him. One thing I learned on my journey and that I'm still learning is self responsibility, for my happiness, my decisions and for my actions. He needs to do the same, but it is a long road if its true depression. 

Lots of supportive people here, I'm sure they will have some good practical advise


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Lperdida said:


> I got the ball rolling for him to finally get help by having the fight we had the other day. That is how he finally got Prozac and an appointment set up for Jan.


Ok that’s good to know, because it’s different when someone else makes you go, I’m sorry to say. 

Did you go to appointment? I’m assuming he doesn’t have a diagnosis yet, and hasn’t seen a psych yet given it’s in January?


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## Lperdida (22 d ago)

Beach123 said:


> Check his phone. Many spouses say these exact words when they are cheating.
> if needed check the phone bill too - to see if one number repeats often.
> If possible also check his computer.


He does hide his phone from me. I will get the bills from online.


elliblue said:


> These two are extrems, but they are highlighting the issue. Both characters lack the desire to be in a close relationship with others.
> One almost living sexless for most of his life and the other seaking and prefering countless emotionally dettached sexual encounters over a stable relationship


Can he have been both types? For his previous marriage—- way before he met me—- He stated he would have affairs on his exwife because she made him feel like crap, she belittled him, etc. Now he seems to not want to have a sexual relationship. And unlike his ex I encourage him, support him to obtain, and try to give him, a life he could be proud of.


Jamieboy said:


> I will give you one possible version of events based off my own experience. I had depression, brought on by my involvement with another woman in an emotional affair. I felt considerable guilt as I was, what I thought happily married until I met her.
> 
> I confessed, but the damage was done at that point, nothing quite trumps the rush if new love. So my married life seemed grey by comparison and I had deeply hurt the woman I had made a life with for the previous 15 years. Regret, remorse all took its toll, but rather than trying to fix things with my wife, I questioned everything, I lost my self identity in cheating, I didn't think I was disloyal.
> 
> ...


Thank you for that personal perspective! I did hope to hear from someone who was on the other side of this. Even if it hurt to have it reiterated that chances are there is someone else, and that it may still not work out even if help is sought.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You’ve married a cheater. Don’t be shocked if he’s cheating,


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## Lperdida (22 d ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Ok that’s good to know, because it’s different when someone else makes you go, I’m sorry to say.
> 
> Did you go to appointment? I’m assuming he doesn’t have a diagnosis yet, and hasn’t seen a psych yet given it’s in January?


Yeah. I didn’t go with to his primary care physician. Not sure if I can go to the 1st appointment he has in Jan.


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## Lperdida (22 d ago)

snowbum said:


> You’ve married a cheater. Don’t be shocked if he’s cheating,


That despairingly seems to be the consensus.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lperdida said:


> I am 45, he is 50. We have been together for about 18 years, married for 10. He has been, per him - not officially diagnosed, depressed for about a year. He just finally spoke with his Doctor who put him on Prozac and has him set up for an appointment with a someone in Jan. His feelings of depression started with not being where he thought he would be business wise and losing a job he was really good at. After which he started working two jobs to try and make the equivalent at the previous job. Finally convinced him to stop that and work only one job. He is at work every morning at 10 am and is home every night by 8 pm. He emphatically says there is no one else.


Antidepressants take 10-14 days to work. If it is depression then he should be feeling a lot better in a couple of weeks.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lperdida said:


> He does hide his phone from me. I will get the bills from online.
> 
> Can he have been both types? For his previous marriage—- way before he met me—- He stated he would have affairs on his exwife because she made him feel like crap, she belittled him, etc. Now he seems to not want to have a sexual relationship. And unlike his ex I encourage him, support him to obtain, and try to give him, a life he could be proud of.
> 
> Thank you for that personal perspective! I did hope to hear from someone who was on the other side of this. Even if it hurt to have it reiterated that chances are there is someone else, and that it may still not work out even if help is sought.


Ok so basically he cheats. Did you know he was a serial cheat before you married him?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Lperdida said:


> That despairingly seems to be the consensus.


Sadly, the things that you have talked about point in that direction, yes. It’s not proof, it's not even overwhelming evidence. But those behaviors are definitely consistent with someone who is cheating. Add the fact that he had affairs on his previous wife and it paints a sad picture for you.

Check those phone bills, check his phone while he’s in the shower or sleeping. If it’s locked...just ask him straight out for the code right then and there. I bet he won't give it until he has a chance to delete ‘her’.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Lperdida said:



He does hide his phone from me. I will get the bills from online.

Click to expand...

*RED FLAG number #1 🚩

*



Can he have been both types? For his previous marriage—- way before he met me—- He stated he would have affairs on his exwife because she made him feel like crap, she belittled him, etc. Now he seems to not want to have a sexual relationship.

Click to expand...

*RED FLAG number #2 🚩

Seriously, OP. You are REALLY in denial. Pull your head out of the sand.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

That’s not a good sign if he’s hiding his phone. I think he could be depressed from what you’re describing but if he’s involved with someone else, leading a double life so to speak, will only compound it.

He blamed his ex wife for why he cheated, and if he is cheating now, he could be viewing this marriage for “why he’s not in a better place financially.” Cheaters usually blame others for their choices. 

You say that you’ve been married for ten years and together for 18. Eight years is a long time to date someone unless you’re in high school/college. Was one of you hesitant to move things forward?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Did he cheat on his wife with you?


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## Lperdida (22 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Sadly, the things that you have talked about point in that direction, yes. It’s not proof, it's not even overwhelming evidence. But those behaviors are definitely consistent with someone who is cheating. Add the fact that he had affairs on his previous wife and it paints a sad picture for you.
> 
> Check those phone bills, check his phone while he’s in the shower or sleeping. If it’s locked...just ask him straight out for the code right then and there. I bet he won't give it until he has a chance to delete ‘her’.


How things can escalate in 24 hours. So I did that today, I asked for the phone right out. He refused and decided he rather leave than show me his phone. I gave him bags, asked for the credit cards and the key to the house.


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## Lperdida (22 d ago)

snowbum said:


> Did he cheat on his wife with you?


No. He cheated with her best friend. I came into his life 5 years later.


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## Lperdida (22 d ago)

*Deidre* said:


> That’s not a good sign if he’s hiding his phone. I think he could be depressed from what you’re describing but if he’s involved with someone else, leading a double life so to speak, will only compound it.
> 
> He blamed his ex wife for why he cheated, and if he is cheating now, he could be viewing this marriage for “why he’s not in a better place financially.” Cheaters usually blame others for their choices.
> 
> You say that you’ve been married for ten years and together for 18. Eight years is a long time to date someone unless you’re in high school/college. Was one of you hesitant to move things forward?


It didn’t feel like 8 years. We had busy lives back then and it just seemed to fly by and one day we found out we were pregnant ( we always used protection except that one time, so we know the conception date and everything). Decided to get married. But it never seemed off, everything with us always just flowed and seemed natural in its course.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Lperdida said:


> How things can escalate in 24 hours. So I did that today, I asked for the phone right out. He refused and decided he rather leave than show me his phone. I gave him bags, asked for the credit cards and the key to the house.


Omg, wow! 😟

I’m so sorry. At least you know the truth, now. If he had nothing to hide, that wouldn’t have played out like that.


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## Lperdida (22 d ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> RED FLAG number #1 🚩
> 
> 
> RED FLAG number #2 🚩
> ...


Well I asked today and he refused and decided that he would rather leave and stay at a hotel than show me. So I gave him some bags to pack, took the credit cards and keys to the house.


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## Lperdida (22 d ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Omg, wow! 😟
> 
> I’m so sorry. At least you know the truth, now. If he had nothing to hide, that wouldn’t have played out like that.


Sadly. And I think I am in a state of shock or something. Family is coming over, they know what happened. This is crazy.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Lperdida said:


> Sadly. And I think I am in a state of shock or something. Family is coming over, they know what happened. This is crazy.


I’ve read stories on here about the “affair fog,” and how it can feel like depression for the person in it. Not saying your husband is in a full blown affair but there’s likely someone else in the background for him to react that way and pulling away from you, his declaration that he “loves you but isn’t in love with you”, makes more sense now.

Hopefully you have a good set of friends and a supportive family, to help you get through this. Stay strong.🙏


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Hey I’m so glad your family is coming over and that they know! This is a good thing, I hope he stays gone. 

You just won the lottery.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Lperdida said:


> Sadly. And I think I am in a state of shock or something. Family is coming over, they know what happened. This is crazy.


Definitely tell everyone what is going on. You need the people who love you by your side now. The days will come when he will deny everything and say you are making it all up. You have no evidence.

Don't be fooled by that. You don't need evidence beyond what you know to be true.

Lean on your support system now, let them help you through this.

Unfortunately, your husband is no longer your friend, no longer the man you married. He’s left the marriage. Slam that door hard and never let him hurt you again.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

I'm so sorry, he's likely done a me, I left too, but after I confessed, I didn't go to my affair partner or date her. Obviously I'm not him, but all I can tell you is what my wife did. I paid her child support above the required rate, and did my bit coparenting. She got on with her life, didn't beg me to come back. She was and still is a strong woman who knows her worth. I suspect you are too


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