# I Love You But I'm Not IN LOVE with you anymore!



## Zeke351 (Feb 9, 2010)

I Love You But I'm Not IN LOVE with you anymore!

Thats what my wife of 22 years told me a month ago and I have been in a tailspin ever since. I caught her having an online affair on Facebook and that precipitated a blow up when she finally said those words. She told me she has been unhappy for years and while she will always love me she isn't in love with me anymore and doesn't know if she can get those feelings back. 

I don't lay the entire blame on either one of us, there were definitely mistakes made on both sides and communication both ways was virtually nonexistent about any problems. I worked a lot (too much), didn't help out enough around the house, didn't take time to make her feel special. She never took the time to stop and talk to me about how unhappy she was, or how angry and resentful she had become. She has a very low opinion of herself and feels we have been coexisting almost like roommates rather then husband and wife. 

Since then we have decided to seek counseling and she tells me she wants to try to work things out, but she isn't sure if the feelings will come back. She had an EA 14 years ago that we worked through so I have a real trust issue with anything she tells me. There is probably a lot more I could go into but that would fill up a book!

I would love to correspond with anyone that has said/heard the same line. Whether you were sucesssful at putting things back together or not or even if you are going through it now (Misery loves company

Thanks for listening.

Zeke351


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Zeke351 said:


> I Love You But I'm Not IN LOVE with you anymore!


It is very common for a woman to say this when she _*loves*_ her husband but no longer *desires* intimacy with him. Occasionally, it can mean something else also, but most times it is about loss of desire.

Why does your wife no longer desire you?



> ... didn't help out enough around the house ...


*A man should never help out around the house.* See this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/11079-waking-up-rest-my-life.html

Take responsibility for household work, so that your wife forgets that some task even exists. There is no help. There is only responsibility. If you "help", you try to do it her way, which invariably fails so that she has to re-do the task. You are then seen as a weak man who cannot find your own solution and needs to be scolded because he cannot complete a trivial task. This is poison that kills desire.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you exposed this affair of hers to the other man's wife? Have you snooped to make sure she is no longer in contact with him?


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## Zeke351 (Feb 9, 2010)

AlexNY - Intimacy I think can have many levels. From the talks we have had in the last month we have not maintained a connection with each other. I have never been one to talk about my days at work, I would rather leave work at work and not rehash it. The same is probably true talking about feelings. If I am angry or upset I have always dealt with it internally rather than spread it around, no sense in other people listening to me rant. That is one of the mistakes I think I made. By dealing with it internally she says she felt cut off from me, even though in my mind I was trying to protect her. This disconnect is what she said caused the in love part to die. To her we became friends instead of husband and wife.

As for the house work part of it, saying I wasn't "helping" around the house enough was her words not mine. I have taken over more responsibility around the house and I think it has helped but it may be too little too late.

turnera - I haven't exposed this affair to the other mans wife and I probably won't. He isn't worth the extra time and effort it would take. That time and effort is better spent here at home. I am *VERY* confident there has been no contact at all since this all came about.

So for now we are walking on eggshells, each not wanting to upset the other. Counseling starts in 2 weeks and we will see how that goes. She says she wants it to work out but she just isn't sure if it will or if she can get back the feelings she needs to stay. That is the part that confuses me the most. To me if you want something you can make it happen.

Thank You,

Zeke351


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Every person who has an affair says they 'don't know' if they'll ever get their feelings back. Just ignore that. She's still in the fog of the affair.

Get the book Surviving an Affair. It will help you a lot.

fwiw, telling the other man's wife (1) helps ensure he never tries to contact your wife again cos his wife will be watching and (2) gives HER knowledge that YOU have, so that SHE has an option to protect - or end - her own marriage. Would you want to know if the OM's wife knew they had an affair, and you were unaware?


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## Zeke351 (Feb 9, 2010)

turnera said:


> Every person who has an affair says they 'don't know' if they'll ever get their feelings back. Just ignore that. She's still in the fog of the affair.


When is an affair the cause of problems and when is it the result of other underlying problems? I have been told by other people that he isn't the problem but the side effect of other unresolved problems. I have the feeling this is true in our case. The disconnect between us preceeded the online affair and the affair was the result. I am certainly not justifying nor condoning the behavior but I share some responsibility for the situation that led up to it.


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## artismpp (Feb 2, 2010)

Zeke - You and I are in the EXACT same situation. My wife's EA was exposed back in September, and we entered counseling immediately. However, I found out in December that she had maintained contact with her EA, and I gave her an ultimatum, contacted his wife, etc.

She has cut off all ties to her EA (supposedly...I have trust issues, but I don't continually snoop or interrogate her - things that I had done in the past - because she is going to do what she wants to do, and the truth will come out eventually. I can't try to control her, because I need her to choose me and our marriage freely, not because she has been forced to. I have told her that she is absolutely not to have any contact whatsoever with her EA and that it is "him or me").

Things have improved greatly, but we are not even close to resolving our issues, and progress is painstakingly slow. 

I would suggest that you do everything that you can to renew your friendship, and become her emotional "soft place to land". My wife and I lost this emotional connection and are working hard to rebuild it, and it hasn't been easy. I'm still unsure of the outcome, but know that I am giving it every effort. In counseling, identify what behaviors you have exhibited that have been problematic, and work to correct those behaviors.

My wife and I are far from "out of the woods", but after months of hell, I feel like there is a "light at the end of the tunnel". 

You have my best wishes...hang in there!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Zeke, I agree that you're both in it for 50%. And that you can do a LOT to become the husband she wants to come home to every night.

My point is that, as long as she has eyes for another guy, nothing you say or do is going to sink in. You have to eliminate that situation, so that she can turn around and see you standing there, wanting to fix things. If you just say you want to fix things and she's still getting some of her needs met by the other guy, she'll think 'huh. maybe...but...there's also this other guy who could be fixing things for me, too.'


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Z,
How has your sex life been during your marriage? How about in the last year? 

Many men who internalize emotions are ALSO conflict avoidant with their wives. This is a very harmful thing over time. 

Also - most women don't lose love because their H comes home in a good mood all the time. They lose love when he comes home and it is obvious something is bothering him but he refuses to discuss it. 

I have a simple rule. If she can sense it - then I am willing to share it. I try to have a light touch but still I do let her know what is happening. 

How often does SHE share stuff with you that is upsetting her? What do you do when that happens?





Zeke351 said:


> When is an affair the cause of problems and when is it the result of other underlying problems? I have been told by other people that he isn't the problem but the side effect of other unresolved problems. I have the feeling this is true in our case. The disconnect between us preceeded the online affair and the affair was the result. I am certainly not justifying nor condoning the behavior but I share some responsibility for the situation that led up to it.


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## Zeke351 (Feb 9, 2010)

artismpp said:


> My wife and I are far from "out of the woods", but after months of hell, I feel like there is a "light at the end of the tunnel".
> 
> You have my best wishes...hang in there!


Artismpp,

Thank you for the reply. How are you handling the emotional roller coaster? That is the hardest thing for me. One day happy, one day sad, one day angry etc. etc. Heck not even day to day but sometimes hour to hour. With trust issues I have a hard time keeping an even keel so as not to make the situation worse.

I am happy you are making progress. Good luck.


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## Zeke351 (Feb 9, 2010)

turnera,

I am positive she is not having contact with this guy. It is very difficult to hide things from me electronically.  I just have to trust a little and verify a lot!!!!

Thanks for the advice, i appreciate it.


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## Zeke351 (Feb 9, 2010)

mem11363,

Have you been reading my mind or spying on us??? LOL You are dead on in almost every category. Sex life the last year has actually been pretty good. (For both of us and not just me. yes i asked) 

I do internalize, with the rationale of protecting her from my problems but as you said I is damaging. She knows when something is bothering me and when I won't discuss it she feels locked out.

When she is upset about something I usually push a little harder to get her to talk then she will push me. Even then recently with the disconnect she just "feels dead inside and doesn't really react" to much anymore. She is stressed with school at 44 years old, taking care of the house and our daughter, working and not feeling I am there beside her most of the time. I am working on everything and just have to be patient I guess. That is really hard for me...I am NOT a patient man sometimes.

Thanks for the advice....I am going to check for listening devices now. LOL

Harry


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## artismpp (Feb 2, 2010)

Zeke,

The emotional roller coaster you have described has been EXACTLY the same for me. What has helped a lot for me lately is the realization that there is no "countdown timer" ticking, and that we have an infinite amount of time to fix things...things do not have to be perfect overnight.

Throughout this whole turmoil, my moods, demeanor, and general emotional state have been based upon whether or not I viewed my latest interactions with my wife as positive or not. I could be on top of the world because of a positive conversation and the next minute be in the depths of despair because of something that I perceived to be negative. My wife and I have been together for over 18 years...the problems that we are experiencing developed over a long time, and they won't be fixed in a few weeks or even a few months. As long as things are moving in a positive direction, as maddeningly slow as they may be, I have been able to be optimistic, have hope, and keep my emotions in check. That is what has worked for me, and I am thankful, because the "emotional roller coaster" that I was on was killing me!

Hang in there!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Z,
Really sorry for the pain. I remember when I used to snap at my wife when she would be telling me a long confusing story. I don't do that anymore - it used to make her feel really bad. 

She would do this thing where she would start to tell me something important and then sidetrack for a LONG time. Now I just smile and say - I want to hear about the "sidetrack" - the suspense is killing me though - finish your initial train of thought for me - tell the rest of "xyz". And she knows I am not mad - I really want to know both A and B, I just want to know A - NOW, and then I can focus on B. So she will say - right - I am sidetracking here - A is .... and then back to B. 

That little tweak made a LOT of friction go away.




Zeke351 said:


> mem11363,
> 
> Have you been reading my mind or spying on us??? LOL You are dead on in almost every category. Sex life the last year has actually been pretty good. (For both of us and not just me. yes i asked)
> 
> ...


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## Zeke351 (Feb 9, 2010)

artismpp said:


> Zeke,
> 
> What has helped a lot for me lately is the realization that there is no "countdown timer" ticking, and that we have an infinite amount of time to fix things...things do not have to be perfect overnight.


Accepting there is no "countdown timer" is one of the difficult things for me. My wife has said "she doesn't know if we can be fixed" and "what happens if we try all this and it doesn't work?" How long do we "try"? I have to believe we will get through this but right now it feels like she has one foot in and one foot headed to the door.



artismpp said:


> Throughout this whole turmoil, my moods, demeanor, and general emotional state have been based upon whether or not I viewed my latest interactions with my wife as positive or not. I could be on top of the world because of a positive conversation and the next minute be in the depths of despair because of something that I perceived to be negative.


This describes me to a tee right now. It's getting a little better everyday but it can sometimes be up and down.

Funny how even typing about these things here seem to help keep me a little better balanced. Thanks to all that are reading and listening. I guess sharing troubles does help!!

Any other words of advice from anyone on maintaining a semi even emotional level?

Zeke351


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, yoga!


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## artismpp (Feb 2, 2010)

Zeke, you said: 

"Accepting there is no "countdown timer" is one of the difficult things for me. My wife has said "she doesn't know if we can be fixed" and "what happens if we try all this and it doesn't work?" How long do we "try"? I have to believe we will get through this but right now it feels like she has one foot in and one foot headed to the door." (I can't figure out how to do that quote thing the rest of you keep doing!)

If you try and try and try some more and it doesn't work out, then you are no worse off than you are now. If both you and your wife understand that, then there should be no "Countdown Timer". If it takes 6 months, a year, 6 years...so what? You have over 22 years invested, and no matter what problems you are currently having, there is obviously something between you that is special and worth saving.

When both or one of you can honestly say that you have done every single thing that you could and nothing more can be done, that is when you explore other options.

For now, work on your friendship and communication, and if you can progress in that area, the emotional roller coaster may level out for you. Remember, this is not a sprint, it is a marathon.


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## Zeke351 (Feb 9, 2010)

turnera said:


> Yeah, yoga!


LOL! Yeah Right, if I tried the Downward-Facing Dog pose I would end up having more then my heart broken!


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## Zeke351 (Feb 9, 2010)

artismpp said:


> Zeke, you said:
> 
> If you try and try and try some more and it doesn't work out, then you are no worse off than you are now. If both you and your wife understand that, then there should be no "Countdown Timer". If it takes 6 months, a year, 6 years...so what? You have over 22 years invested, and no matter what problems you are currently having, there is obviously something between you that is special and worth saving.
> 
> ...


I certainly appreciate the advice! For me it is the classic war between the Heart and the Mind and unfortunately they are pretty evenly matched right now! Heart says "Be patient and work on it together." Mind says "You're a guy..FIX IT NOW..or get the HECK out before you get hurt again!"

Patience is a virtue..I guess I may not be such a virtuous person. LOL

Thanks again,

Zeke351


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Stop trying to fix IT - at all. Just fix YOU. Start with the easy stuff:
- Go to an ideal exercise regime, eat healthy, get enough sleep and minimize alcohol
- Wake up and think - what kind of person do I want to be around? Someone upbeat and optimistic, someone who has a can do mindset. Someone who is mostly fearless - in the sense that they see it as do their best and then whatever happens they accept

If your wife is upset you can always just ask "what can I do to help you?" That is not trying to fix her or how she feels. It is a simple offer. If she doesn't want help - then move on to your stuff and don't crowd her. 

My favorite quote in these situations comes from a soldier who fought in the battle of Thermopylae where a small Greek army held off a Persian military force that massively outnumbered them, for 7 days. 

Herodotus writes that when Dienekes, a Spartan soldier, was informed that Persian arrows would be so numerous as "to block out the sun", he retorted, unconcerned; "So much the better...then we shall fight our battle in the shade."[137]






Zeke351 said:


> I certainly appreciate the advice! For me it is the classic war between the Heart and the Mind and unfortunately they are pretty evenly matched right now! Heart says "Be patient and work on it together." Mind says "You're a guy..FIX IT NOW..or get the HECK out before you get hurt again!"
> 
> Patience is a virtue..I guess I may not be such a virtuous person. LOL
> 
> ...


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## kissycupcake (Feb 9, 2010)

Z, I really sympathize with you my husband and I are going through the same kind of thing, he just told me he loves me but is not in love with me, but I feel the same way about him. He made alot of bad mistakes when we got married betraying my trust, he never cheated but it was financial matters like stealing money from me and being irressponsible and unreliable. I don't know if we can find our way back to each other or if its to late. but my heart goes out to you and I know how living 2 seperate lives can be to because thats what we've been doing for 2 yrs. best of luck to you I know its tough.


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## Zeke351 (Feb 9, 2010)

kissycupcake said:


> Z, I really sympathize with you my husband and I are going through the same kind of thing, he just told me he loves me but is not in love with me, but I feel the same way about him. He made alot of bad mistakes when we got married betraying my trust, he never cheated but it was financial matters like stealing money from me and being irressponsible and unreliable. I don't know if we can find our way back to each other or if its to late. but my heart goes out to you and I know how living 2 seperate lives can be to because thats what we've been doing for 2 yrs. best of luck to you I know its tough.


Kissycupcake,

You have my sympathies also. I am certainly in no position to give advice so I can just commisserate. I feel my relationship is worth saving and that every attempt should be made to do just that. Artismpp said earlier "If you try and try and try some more and it doesn't work out, then you are no worse off than you are now." 

We start marriage counseling next week and are reading the book "I Love You But I'm Not In Love" by Andrew Marshal. It seems like a good book and it certainly describes us pretty closely. Time will tell.

Good Luck.


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## BellaOnlineMarriageEditor (Feb 12, 2010)

What a difficult situation you're in. It's a good sign that your wife wants to work things out. But affairs often happen because certain needs are not being met in the marriage.

This article '7 Reasons For Affairs That You MUST Know About.'


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## Zeke351 (Feb 9, 2010)

BellaOnlineMarriageEditor said:


> What a difficult situation you're in. It's a good sign that your wife wants to work things out. But affairs often happen because certain needs are not being met in the marriage.
> 
> This article '7 Reasons For Affairs That You MUST Know About.'


B

You are absolutely correct. Certain needs on both sides weren't being met. My hope is it isn't too late for us to work through the buildup of problems and the disconnect. That we both want to work on it I hope is a good sign. She is very shut down right now so getting her to open up about what she wants/needs from our marriage even a little is difficult. I hope the counselor can get us each to open to the other so we can communicate our needs.

Thanks,

Zeke351


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