# Constant criticism from husband



## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

I don’t know how to deal with my husband anymore. It feels like he criticizes me every day or has some remarks about things I do or how I do them. Some, he says, are meant to be jokes and I am supposed to laugh about them. I can’t!

Long story short, we got together when I was 17 and he was 20. He was my first boyfriend and now husband for almost 15 years. We went through some messy years, but we were able to make it work again with a help of counseling. When I became pregnant last year, he was great, patient, and took care of me. I thought we were happy and could only be happier after our daughter arrived. However, as soon as I delivered our baby, things have changed. We have no family around, so it is just us helping each other. We are good parents and love our baby more than anything, but we are not that good in a marriage area.

Last night we got into a fight over a little thing. I was washing my breast pump pieces in a sink and he asked when I will be done because he wanted to wash his fruits for a dinner. I told him I will be done in 2 minutes. Needless to say, it took me 3 to finish it. He got to sink and said “ I didn’t know 2 minutes were really 15!” After his comment, I stormed out that it was not that long and if I was just doing my “manicure” I would understand he was being mad, but I was washing pump so I could save some milk for our daughter. He said why I always have to scream and I reply because you do this every single day over little things. Just picking out something to point out even though I told him how it makes me feel long time ago. For him, I do things wrong way just because I don’t do them his way. When he talks to me , he uses “never, always” as if there was nothing in between. Like the other day he told my mom I never mop our floors even though I do that every week.

I know I am getting very defensive with him, but I am so tired and I hate, hate to be like that in front of our baby. What kind of example are we setting up for her?! Another sad part of it is, he is just like his daddy. His dad was a great person to friends and family, but he did the same thing to his wife with extra sarcastic laugh over things she was doing. I still remember their fights and thinking why they are still together. Now we are doing the same thing. Sometimes he even tells to our baby “look your mommy is going crazy today.”

I have been reading so much about how to deal with constant criticism and such. It is hard to stay calm when things happen. I am trying my best as a full time working mom of a 8 months old baby to keep our house clean, laundry done and so on because I hope that if I do that, he won’t find much to complaint about. My husband is a good man and a great daddy, but this part of him is pushing me away from. I just feel like there is never enough. What can I do?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Have you explained to your H that the constant criticism is affecting you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He treats you like that because his father taught him to treat women that way. What he's doing it a form of emotional/verbal abuse. Abuse is all about him maintaining control over you.


*Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men*

One thing that you need to do is to not get caught up in his little game. He complained about how long it took you to wash the pump. Just don't reply to what he says except some calm statement like "I'm done." and walk away. An argument can only happen if two people engage. Do not engage him. Find another way to get rid of your anger and hurt .. like working out, meditating, etc.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> *He treats you like that because his father taught him to treat women that way. *What he's doing it a form of emotional/verbal abuse. Abuse is all about him maintaining control over you.



That is a blanket statement. A blanket that has holes in it. It does not cover all the blemishes on her husband butt or on other abusers. 

How do you explain women who are abusers? Mommy was Dearest and had shark teeth?

Or in those myriad of homes where no man was present. Homes were single mothers raised Boys, Girls and Dobermans? These homes produce their share of abusers and leg biters, too, too, too, three.

I do agree that an abusive father is a poor role model and some men are so plastic that they can be shaped by *one man.* It takes a bad home and a Village to make an Idiot.

My father was abusive to the max. My two brothers and Moi were not abusive to our wives. Please do not ask my wife to verify THIS......thanks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> That is a blanket statement. A blanket that has holes in it. It does not cover all the blemishes on her husband butt or on other abusers.
> 
> How do you explain women who are abusers? Mommy was Dearest and had shark teeth?
> 
> ...


Clearly it would make no sense to address all the different situations in which a person may or may not be abusive.

I was addressing the OP's situation in which she said that her FIL treats her MIL in the same way that her husband treats her.

Not all people who have abusive role models turn out to be abusive. But some do. Since the OP's husband behaves in the same manner as his father, it's pretty clear that he was influenced by his father.

If you want to write a book about all the points you bring up, please do so... or read on of the many books you can find on amazon that address all the possible scenarios.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Just because your father in law was an idiot and your mother in law accepted his abuse doesn't mean your husband has the right to be an idiot as well. The next time he makes a sarcastic or passive aggressive remark,smile sweetly and tell him to f*** off.Do this for a while and I promise you he will get the hint.People make a big deal about sarcasm on this forum but it is the lowest form of wit and the best way to combat it is to go even lower in your response.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Just because your father in law was an idiot and your mother in law accepted his abuse doesn't mean your husband has the right to be an idiot as well. The next time he makes a sarcastic or passive aggressive remark,smile sweetly and tell him to f*** off.Do this for a while and I promise you he will get the hint.People make a big deal about sarcasm on this forum but it is the lowest form of wit and the best way to combat it is to go even lower in your response.


I know this is serious matter, but your advice made me laugh in a good way. I would so love to tell him to "f....Off" and even make it sound British! I can't imagine his reaction though. It would make him speechless for a while.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Have you explained to your H that the constant criticism is affecting you?


I did several times. I even told him that I will work on myself because I don't want our marriage to be this way. It worked for a day or two.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Mamina said:


> I know this is serious matter, but your advice made me laugh in a good way. I would so love to tell him to "f....Off" and even make it sound British! I can't imagine his reaction though. It would make him speechless for a while.


Ok.Tell him to f***off old chap if that will help.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

My wife constantly criticized me in front of the kids and a means of control. She knew I wouldn't say anything to start fight in front of them. It seems that your H is doing that to you to. The only way that I was able to stop her was to start a conversation about when she said when the kids weren't there. Then she would say she never said anything about that matter and that I was making things up to start fights. Fun times!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> My wife constantly criticized me in front of the kids and a means of control. She knew I wouldn't say anything to start fight in front of them. It seems that your H is doing that to you to. The only way that I was able to stop her was to start a conversation about when she said when the kids weren't there. Then she would say she never said anything about that matter and that I was making things up to start fights. Fun times!


That was exactly the reason I broke up with my then fiancée,she would say things to me in front of her friends that she would never say one on one.I finally had enough but instead of trying to discuss it I went nuclear and called the wedding off and dumped her.If I had known about tam before this started I would probably be married to her now.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mamina said:


> I did several times. I even told him that I will work on myself because I don't want our marriage to be this way. It worked for a day or two.



You H is being passive/aggressive. Very hard to live with. Tell him to piss off next time. But honestly, it shows very little respect for you. 

Tell your H to get help with his behavior or get out. And mean it when you say it. That's what it took for me to realize I was verbally abusive to my W.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Clearly it would make no sense to address all the different situations in which a person may or may not be abusive.
> 
> I was addressing the OP's situation in which she said that her FIL treats her MIL in the same way that her husband treats her.
> 
> ...


Thanks.

I know, some of my posts are long winded.....uh, long winding and unwinding.

If I write a book it will not be on this subject.

I believe genetics has a firm footing in subconscious, outward, displayed behavior. Aggression is [in no small measure] chemically derived. Humans are subject to many forces, inward, outward, wayward, leeward...seaward. I'm weird.

I will not offer my esoteric views on the forces that undulate and course through our Universe, Solar System and our Solar Plexus. Outee belly buttons seem to block this influence, though. Why is that?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> That was exactly the reason I broke up with my then fiancée,she would say things to me in front of her friends that she would never say one on one.I finally had enough but instead of trying to discuss it I went nuclear and called the wedding off and dumped her.If I had known about tam before this started I would probably be married to her now.


Same here, if I would have known about TAM say 30 years ago or if there was something like it available, I would have been able to see through many of the things she was doing to manipulate me and I wouldn't be married to her now. I would have found someone more mature who actually wanted to share love instead of bull****.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> That was exactly the reason I broke up with my then fiancée,she would say things to me in front of her friends that she would never say one on one.I finally had enough but instead of trying to discuss it I went nuclear and called the wedding off and dumped her.If I had known about tam before this started I would probably be married to her now.




Then it's a shame you found TAM.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mamina said:


> I don’t know how to deal with my husband anymore. It feels like he criticizes me every day or has some remarks about things I do or how I do them. Some, he says, are meant to be jokes and I am supposed to laugh about them. I can’t!
> 
> Long story short, we got together when I was 17 and he was 20. He was my first boyfriend and now husband for almost 15 years. We went through some messy years, but we were able to make it work again with a help of counseling. When I became pregnant last year, he was great, patient, and took care of me. I thought we were happy and could only be happier after our daughter arrived. However, as soon as I delivered our baby, things have changed. We have no family around, so it is just us helping each other. We are good parents and love our baby more than anything, but we are not that good in a marriage area.
> 
> ...


Make absurd statements back to him.

Regarding the breast pump you should have grabbed him and said something like "Do you realise this device was attached to my breasts?"

Then walk away.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't engage his criticisms. This is coming from a woman who was picked on up and down daily by her ex H over stupid things. 

Ignore, walk away. Your engagement and upset fuels the fire. 

Look up greywalling. Become an object of least interest for him to pick on. Hard when you live together, but possible.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ridicule is a two-way street. After another encounter, turn to him and say that there are many things about him that you can ridicule and you guarantee he won't be laughing. Walk away. 

Cure this now before he starts in on your daughter.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

What does your husband do for a living? I ask because I was that critical husband. I run the manufacturing side of our business and am highly focused on task accomplishment and efficiency, and when married I know those work philosophies carried over into my home life. I'm sure this will make me sound like a d**k but here is how I looked at things, maybe you will recognize the same patterns in your life. 

The thing that drove me nuts about my wife (ex) was her lack of accomplishment and the inability to learn how to do better. She never stopped complaining about how much she had to do but the reality was she had little to do and she didn't do that well. In the beginning I would just do as much as possible, then I started getting frustrated that she was putting so much off on me. Simple example; she would feed the dogs, great right? But she would leave the dog food bag open and on the floor, she would leave the scoop on the counter, not occasionally but daily. So I would put the scoop back in the bag, close the bag, put the bag away and wipe of the counter. It would have taken her 15 extra seconds to do that. Then at some point I would hear her complain about how feeding the dogs is just another one of the millions of things she had to do everyday, she would make it sound like an hour long job. In my mind I would break her day down into what she did and how long it took to do it, what would take her an entire day I would think should have taken three hours. 

So you and your husband....You were washing the breast pump, there were dishes that needed to be washed. My first thought when I read that argument is why wouldn't you have washed everything at the same time? You had the soapy water, you were at the sink, your hands are already wet. Why did it have to be two separate jobs? So in your husbands mind he is thinking that you can't combine two task into one, you will do your one thing and then leave the other part to him. Your husband is thinking because you're not being practical and efficient with your time you're deflecting more work toward him. So he has become resentful, it's no longer about any specific thing, it's about your approach vs. his approach, he is focused on the big picture and you focus on the picture in front of you.

Right or wrong? Beats me, to this day I don't think my expectations were unreasonable, BUT... I certainly realize that my constructive suggestions eventually turned into direct criticism, I was resentful and she was hurt and felt unappreciated. 

I am trying to think how you can change the dynamics, I have a suggestion but you are going to hate it. Next time your husband criticizes you simply step back and ask him how it should be done. Don't be condescending, don't snap at him, don't throw things down and yell "you do it". If he gets snotty about it stop him, tell him you don't want to fight you just want to see if there is a way to make things easier. Keep an open mind, we can all learn from each other, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. You can't instantly change him but you can right this second change your reactions, and that may cause him to change. It's very important as a couple we recognize our differences, we work as a unit to improve ourselves and our lives. 

My marriage failed in part because we never worked as a cohesive unit, we let our differences wedge us apart instead of looking at each others perspectives. I must say this, you and your husband got together while young, as you grow you evolve. The two kids that fell in love years ago can easily have evolved into adults with very different personalities and philosophies, sometimes it becomes too much to make it work, but give it a fair try.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Then it's a shame you found TAM.


What I meant was if I had known then what I know now I would have acted earlier and called her out on her behaviour.Instead I let it build up and then exploded.We are still back together so maybe it was a blessing in disguise.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mamina said:


> I did several times. I even told him that I will work on myself because I don't want our marriage to be this way. It worked for a day or two.


Mamina, sounds like you are already taking blame for the criticism from your H. YOu should record him (on your smart phone) or record when he does it and call him out on it. The best way is to confront him every time he does it. Don't become cowed by him, that makes him a bully, stand up for yourself.

Another issue, how is intimacy between you two. I know some men get irritable if they haven't had sex for a while, how are things in this department. H's can be be very sweet and loving if their needs are being met in that department, it is just a thought.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Cooper said:


> What does your husband do for a living? I ask because I was that critical husband. I run the manufacturing side of our business and am highly focused on task accomplishment and efficiency, and when married I know those work philosophies carried over into my home life. I'm sure this will make me sound like a d**k but here is how I looked at things, maybe you will recognize the same patterns in your life.
> 
> The thing that drove me nuts about my wife (ex) was her lack of accomplishment and the inability to learn how to do better. She never stopped complaining about how much she had to do but the reality was she had little to do and she didn't do that well. In the beginning I would just do as much as possible, then I started getting frustrated that she was putting so much off on me. Simple example; she would feed the dogs, great right? But she would leave the dog food bag open and on the floor, she would leave the scoop on the counter, not occasionally but daily. So I would put the scoop back in the bag, close the bag, put the bag away and wipe of the counter. It would have taken her 15 extra seconds to do that. Then at some point I would hear her complain about how feeding the dogs is just another one of the millions of things she had to do everyday, she would make it sound like an hour long job. In my mind I would break her day down into what she did and how long it took to do it, what would take her an entire day I would think should have taken three hours.
> 
> ...


Erm, breast pump parts cannot be dumped in with the dirty dishes, they have to be washed in sterile conditions and often with special liquid, definitely a task that should be separated! But agree with some of the other points but a H's constant criticism of a young new mother can have a huge impact on her self esteem. He needs to grow up and approach things differently.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I would sit him down, explain again why this form of communication and constant crititcism is not something that is going to work in your marriage. Tell him you understand that he has learned from his father that this is the way that you comminucate with your wife, but unlike his mother you will not tolerate it. Then tell him he can work with you to fix this problem or he can chose not to, but tell him honestly how long does he think you will live like this if something doesn't change. I have to agree with others that these constant criticisms are controlling behaviour and one can only be controlled if they allow themselves to be.

Make sure you start your marriage with clear boundaries as it is much harder to change behaviour that has been going on for years. Your husband may have learned this behaviour from his own childhood, but that does not mean he can not break the cycle and change now. 

If he wants a loving and affectionate wife that resepects him than he is going to have to be a loving and affectionate husband that respects you. 

All the best


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> I would sit him down, explain again why this form of communication and constant crititcism is not something that is going to work in your marriage. Tell him you understand that he has learned from his father that this is the way that you comminucate with your wife, but unlike his mother you will not tolerate it. Then tell him he can work with you to fix this problem or he can chose not to, but tell him honestly how long does he think you will live like this if something doesn't change. I have to agree with others that these constant criticisms are controlling behaviour and one can only be controlled if they allow themselves to be.
> 
> Make sure you start your marriage with clear boundaries as it is much harder to change behaviour that has been going on for years. Your husband may have learned this behaviour from his own childhood, but that does not mean he can not break the cycle and change now.
> 
> ...


Or tell him to f*** off,both are good.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

Satya said:


> Don't engage his criticisms. This is coming from a woman who was picked on up and down daily by her ex H over stupid things.
> 
> Ignore, walk away. Your engagement and upset fuels the fire.
> 
> Look up greywalling. Become an object of least interest for him to pick on. Hard when you live together, but possible.



I am trying not to. but it is so very hard sometimes. Seriously, if I wanted I would find something all the time. But that's not what I want or way to go. I looked up greywalling, but there was nothing relationship related.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Mamina said:


> I am trying not to. but it is so very hard sometimes. Seriously, if I wanted I would find something all the time. But that's not what I want or way to go. I looked up greywalling, but there was nothing relationship related.


I think it's called Gray Rocking.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

Cooper said:


> What does your husband do for a living? I ask because I was that critical husband. I run the manufacturing side of our business and am highly focused on task accomplishment and efficiency, and when married I know those work philosophies carried over into my home life. I'm sure this will make me sound like a d**k but here is how I looked at things, maybe you will recognize the same patterns in your life.
> 
> The thing that drove me nuts about my wife (ex) was her lack of accomplishment and the inability to learn how to do better. She never stopped complaining about how much she had to do but the reality was she had little to do and she didn't do that well. In the beginning I would just do as much as possible, then I started getting frustrated that she was putting so much off on me. Simple example; she would feed the dogs, great right? But she would leave the dog food bag open and on the floor, she would leave the scoop on the counter, not occasionally but daily. So I would put the scoop back in the bag, close the bag, put the bag away and wipe of the counter. It would have taken her 15 extra seconds to do that. Then at some point I would hear her complain about how feeding the dogs is just another one of the millions of things she had to do everyday, she would make it sound like an hour long job. In my mind I would break her day down into what she did and how long it took to do it, what would take her an entire day I would think should have taken three hours.
> 
> ...


Cooper, 
my husband is working in IT department. I don't think he is thinking like you do. His theory is more like "this is a woman's chore". My husband did not help with his laundry, dishes for most of our marriage. Things got better after going into a marriage counseling, even though he is back to his usual of not wanting to do anything with his clothes except to wear them. Luckily for me, he cooks some days, occasionally vacuums, cleans litter box, and take a care of our baby with joy. With a lil baby and no help around from family, I believe I am a pretty good multitasker. 

About those dishes...There were already washed previously. All I was washing was my breast pump that has tons of lil parts. I was already in a middle of it when he decided he wants to wash some fruits to eat. I just feel like he found it more important and that's why he could not resist his remark.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

aine said:


> Mamina, sounds like you are already taking blame for the criticism from your H. YOu should record him (on your smart phone) or record when he does it and call him out on it. The best way is to confront him every time he does it. Don't become cowed by him, that makes him a bully, stand up for yourself.
> 
> Another issue, how is intimacy between you two. I know some men get irritable if they haven't had sex for a while, how are things in this department. H's can be be very sweet and loving if their needs are being met in that department, it is just a thought.


I think I self-doubt myself a lot. When he says something critical to me, I often wonder if he is right and if there is something wrong with me. That maybe I just don't see his point and he is actually right. I am simply too tired to fight with him each time I think he is wrong about me. 

There is a very little intimacy between us. Well, it is almost non-existent. I felt close to him when I was pregnant, but most of my attention goes to my baby these days. We are intimate maybe once a month. I just don't have much desire for him or sex in general. I guess hormones? But from previous experience I know that I found it very hard to be intimate with H after our fights and when we actually were, it took only a couple of hours to go back to his usual.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

aine said:


> Erm, breast pump parts cannot be dumped in with the dirty dishes, they have to be washed in sterile conditions and often with special liquid, definitely a task that should be separated! But agree with some of the other points but a H's constant criticism of a young new mother can have a huge impact on her self esteem. He needs to grow up and approach things differently.


And I get that, so you don't necessarily wash everything in the same water but one task could easily roll into the other, and that makes things just a tad more efficient, which leads to extra time to do something else, or even relax. That's just how my brain works and I have to wonder if that's how her husband thinks. Sure it's extreme thinking but seconds add up to minutes, minutes add up to hours, you either stay ahead or you fall behind. 

And you are correct about the constant criticisms, they are good for no one. Out of frustration, lack of respect or plain disappointment the husbands comments do more harm than good, he has developed a habit to criticize because he is frustrated she isn't doing things using what he considers the best possible approach. At this point the husband has lost focus of the other things the OP is doing, he only see's what she isn't doing, and he doesn't understand why she isn't doing more. 

Here's the sad possible scenario. The couple has completely different philosophies on how to live day to day life. She feels she is doing the best she can, she feels his expectations are rigid and ridiculous, she becomes increasingly stressed, she feels she is doing everything possible but it is never enough, she just doesn't understand why her husband expects so much. The husband feels he has to lower his expectations, he expects more, sees how more can be done, he becomes increasingly stressed by not understanding why his wife doesn't think and task just like him. It's as simple as two people having very different views and approaches to life, expectations vs. reality. In a perfect marriage as she was washing the breast pump he would have walked over to the sink with the drying towel and started wiping down the parts, then she could have moved right into washing dishes and he could have kept drying. Sadly neither one saw to work that way, so then ended up working against each other. 

Still...I have no idea how to fix it when there's such a huge difference in perspectives. People end up trying to live their life differently than they are comfortable, then nobody is happy.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Cooper,

He wanted to wash FRUITS! Waiting patiently is the call of the day sir. No matter how you cut it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mamina said:


> There is a very little intimacy between us. Well, it is almost non-existent. I felt close to him when I was pregnant, but most of my attention goes to my baby these days. We are intimate maybe once a month. I just don't have much desire for him or sex in general. I guess hormones? But from previous experience I know that I found it very hard to be intimate with H after our fights and when we actually were, it took only a couple of hours to go back to his usual.


My H is passive aggressive. I've found that the ONLY way I could get him to stop was to tell him what he was missing out on by being that way. "Every time you criticize me, I don't want to have sex with you that day. Think about it." Or regarding our DD26, "every time you tell her what to do, it makes her not want to be around you, so if you don't stop, she's going to stop visiting us."

I also was going to advise getting a recorder, keep it in your pocket when you're around him, and every time he starts in on you, let him see you recording him. Then play it back to him. Better yet, record all the moments for a week and then play them ALL back to him at one time.

Bottom line, he needs to understand very clearly that you won't stay married if he doesn't change.

That said, you need to also have a talk about sex - tell him that you WANT to have sex with him, but every time he's negative, you just can't.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Yeswecan said:


> Cooper,
> 
> He wanted to wash FRUITS! Waiting patiently is the call of the day sir. No matter how you cut it.


I see that now! lol Not only am I critical I jump to conclusions. Damn, no wonder I'm divorced.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Cooper said:


> I see that now! lol Not only am I critical I jump to conclusions. Damn, no wonder I'm divorced.


LOL. I'm bad at jumping to conclusions. My mouth is way ahead of my brain most days.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If he was in such a hurry, he could have used the sink in the bathroom. No, he'd rather be a d!ck and nit pick his wife. Pfffft on him.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Mamina said:


> I know this is serious matter, but your advice made me laugh in a good way. I would so love to tell him to "f....Off" and even make it sound British! I can't imagine his reaction though. It would make him speechless for a while.


If you want it to sound British and with emphasis then precede it with a long "Ohhhhhh", slight pause and then emphasize the "Uh" in F*** with less emphasis on the "off". 

That's the best I can describe it. 



Mamina said:


> I did several times. *I even told him that I will work on myself* because I don't want our marriage to be this way. It worked for a day or two.


Not No but He11 No!! You don't tell him that you need to change to give him less to criticize. The unnecessary criticism is his problem to deal with and not yours.



Daisy12 said:


> I would sit him down, explain again why this form of communication and constant crititcism is not something that is going to work in your marriage. Tell him you understand that he has learned from his father that this is the way that you comminucate with your wife, but unlike his mother you will not tolerate it. Then tell him he can work with you to fix this problem or he can chose not to, but tell him honestly how long does he think you will live like this if something doesn't change. I have to agree with others that these constant criticisms are controlling behaviour and one can only be controlled if they allow themselves to be.
> 
> Make sure you start your marriage with clear boundaries as it is much harder to change behaviour that has been going on for years. Your husband may have learned this behaviour from his own childhood, but that does not mean he can not break the cycle and change now.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I spent years trying to find ways to avoid my XW's mood swings and tempers and criticizing everything was a big part of her attitude. Sometimes I regret not hammering down on them the first time she showed her true colors. You may need to make it clear that if he continues then he won't have a family, and you will need to mean it.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

turnera said:


> My H is passive aggressive. I've found that the ONLY way I could get him to stop was to tell him what he was missing out on by being that way. "Every time you criticize me, I don't want to have sex with you that day. Think about it." Or regarding our DD26, "every time you tell her what to do, it makes her not want to be around you, so if you don't stop, she's going to stop visiting us."
> 
> I also was going to advise getting a recorder, keep it in your pocket when you're around him, and every time he starts in on you, let him see you recording him. Then play it back to him. Better yet, record all the moments for a week and then play them ALL back to him at one time.
> 
> ...


I really like the way you put it and it makes so much sense. I will try to tell him that next time. 
I am not sure about recording him though. It would start a war between us, I am afraid. But what I would do is to write down what happened each day and then show it to him later. 

Also, I told him before that I would leave him if things don't change, but he gets angry and ask if I am treating him with divorce. He can't stand when I say it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have to stop being afraid of making him angry. Is he going to physically hurt you? If so, LEAVE. If not, just stop being afraid. He's just a human. And you have resources.


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