# Newbie here



## Lisa73

Hi. Feeling a little lost 48, 3 kids and unhappy in love. Feel guilty about this but I just want to be happy but unsure where to start? I am self employed and is a little difficult to get out. Any advice or someone I can talk to? I am from Mt Evelyn, Vic, Australia.


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## D0nnivain

Are you really unhappy in love or are you unreasonably expecting your husband to fulfill all your needs while you can't get out? 

Leave the marriage in tact for the short term but do other things that feed your soul. Get some exercise. Work on your business. The world is re-opening. Go meet a client or supplier. Join an entrepreneur's group. Attend a networking function. Go to a religious service. Meet friends. The point is -- live! As we emerge from Covid, it's a new world. Be present in it Once you feel more personally fulfilled you will be able to give your marriage a boost.


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## BeyondRepair007

Lisa73 said:


> Hi. Feeling a little lost 48, 3 kids and unhappy in love. Feel guilty about this but I just want to be happy but unsure where to start? I am self employed and is a little difficult to get out. Any advice or someone I can talk to? I am from Mt Evelyn, Vic, Australia.


Agree with @D0nnivain 

What's behind your unhappiness?

And what are you feeling guilty about? Just being unhappy or is there more about that?
You shouldn't feel guilty unless hubby is great and done nothing wrong, but perhaps you have? Or you've fallen out of love for some reason?

Marriage counselling and opening the lines of communication about your unhappiness seems like a good step as well.


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## theloveofmylife

A few more details will help you get better responses.


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## Lisa73

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Agree with @D0nnivain
> 
> What's behind your unhappiness?
> 
> And what are you feeling guilty about? Just being unhappy or is there more about that?
> You shouldn't feel guilty unless hubby is great and done nothing wrong, but perhaps you have? Or you've fallen out of love for some reason?
> 
> Marriage counselling and opening the lines of communication about your unhappiness seems like a good step as well.


Fallen out of love and guess the thoughts others will have of me. Changed over the years. I cringe when he touches me. There are some resentment and I think that is why I'm unhappy & cant give him what he wants


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## BeyondRepair007

Lisa73 said:


> Fallen out of love and guess the thoughts others will have of me. Changed over the years. I cringe when he touches me. There are some resentment and I think that is why I'm unhappy & cant give him what he wants


I’m sorry to hear this.
Falling out of love is tough.

What‘s behind the resentment of him?

Other men? Other women? Drugs, alcohol? Extreme demands in the bedroom?

Have you tried counseling? Or is it too late for any of that?
Your post sounds like you’re done and just looking for the way out.

Others will think what they think and there’s nothing you can do about that.
Dont try to control outcomes, just control your own behavior and be honest with why you do what you do.


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## Lisa73

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’m sorry to hear this.
> Falling out of love is tough.
> 
> What‘s behind the resentment of him?
> 
> Other men? Other women? Drugs, alcohol? Extreme demands in the bedroom?
> 
> Have you tried counseling? Or is it too late for any of that?
> Your post sounds like you’re done and just looking for the way out.
> 
> Others will think what they think and there’s nothing you can do about that.
> Dont try to control outcomes, just control your own behavior and be honest with why you do what you do.


Thank you. Great advice. Resentment is family members he doesn't get along with. Yes an incident of another man (my fault).


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## BeyondRepair007

Lisa73 said:


> Thank you. Great advice. Resentment is family members he doesn't get along with. Yes an incident of another man (my fault).


So resentment is because of family members he doesn’t get along with? I’m not sure I follow that really.

And you had a one night stand or an affair. Those can be marriage killers for sure. Does hubby know?


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## DownByTheRiver

Lisa73 said:


> Fallen out of love and guess the thoughts others will have of me. Changed over the years. I cringe when he touches me. There are some resentment and I think that is why I'm unhappy & cant give him what he wants


You need to get out. No one needs to live like that including him. Have him share custody of the kids as much as possible so that you can get a second job. You will both have to be able to work and support yourselves. Not familiar with the laws where you live so you just need to look up your place where you live and find out what the custody laws are and child support laws are. 

Things are just going to degenerate.


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## redmarshall

Lisa73 said:


> Fallen out of love and guess the thoughts others will have of me. Changed over the years. I cringe when he touches me. There are some resentment and I think that is why I'm unhappy & cant give him what he wants


You'll have to elaborate, resentment shouldn't equal cringe. Have you begun to despise him? if so why?


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## Lisa73

redmarshall said:


> You'll have to elaborate, resentment shouldn't equal cringe. Have you begun to despise him? if so why?


Yes I guess I have begun to despise him. due to another 'friend' relationship. my husband didn't like it & spoke to friends wife. that marriage ended. no proof of an affair but my husband assumed it. Yes perhaps friend relationship shouldn't have happened. I have stayed married for kids


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## In Absentia

Let me see if I understood it correctly: you had at least an EA, your husband found out, you didn't like his attitude and now you despise him.


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## Andy1001

This one is shaping up to be a classic.


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## BeyondRepair007

Lisa73 said:


> Yes I guess I have begun to despise him. due to another 'friend' relationship. my husband didn't like it & spoke to friends wife. that marriage ended. no proof of an affair but my husband assumed it. Yes perhaps friend relationship shouldn't have happened. I have stayed married for kids


You shouldn’t stay married for the kids. Not only will you and H be unhappy with the state of things, your children will know. And it will impact them. It’s not a good role model to have.

But neither is having an affair. Your husband did the right thing. What you did was unfair to both betrayed spouses and you know it. ‘No proof of affair’ ha, I seriously doubt that. Hard proof of PIV is not needed when your spouse has emotionally committed to another man. It’s not that hard to tell. One sign is that she ‘falls out of love’ with her H.

If you are hooked on the other recently available man, then go to him. Leave your husband & kids and file for divorce. It’s the most honest thing you can do.


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## Lisa73

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You shouldn’t stay married for the kids. Not only will you and H be unhappy with the state of things, your children will know. And it will impact them. It’s not a good role model to have.
> 
> But neither is having an affair. Your husband did the right thing. What you did was unfair to both betrayed spouses and you know it. ‘No proof of affair’ ha, I seriously doubt that. Hard proof of PIV is not needed when your spouse has emotionally committed to another man. It’s not that hard to tell. One sign is that she ‘falls out of love’ with her H.
> 
> If you are hooked on the other recently available man, then go to him. Leave your husband & kids and file for divorce. It’s the most honest thing you can do.


Kids don't know & home is happy it is just me not happy deep down. Also I came on here for advice and not opinions. Thanks for making me feel bad when all that has happended here is a girl fallen out of love. I would prefer you not reply as I have enough stress to deal with. Plus you don't know the situation.


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## BeyondRepair007

Lisa73 said:


> Kids don't know & home is happy it is just me not happy deep down. Also I came on here for advice and not opinions. Thanks for making me feel bad when all that has happended here is a girl fallen out of love. I would prefer you not reply as I have enough stress to deal with. Plus you don't know the situation.


Apologies if I came off too harsh. It's probably triggered by my own painful past.
Many people here have a similar background so you might have other 'direct' posters chime in. Just a fair warning about that.

There is a truth to your situation that most likely won't be pleasant. You might want to prepare for that.
Of course anything ending in divorce won't be pleasant either.
I'm really not sure there's a good option.

Options:
-Drop the attachment to other guy and focus on repairing your marriage with tons of counseling. Maybe fall back in love?
-Leave your husband, break up the family, chase something you don't have now (love)
-Live in a loveless limbo as you are now (not a good option for sure!). I _assume_ your heart belongs to the other guy so it will be super painful to stay in limbo. And it will likely fail at some point when hubby wises up.
-Convince hubby to open the marriage so you two can live "together but separate" (not sure if that's realistic or healthy for the kids)

Affairs are like that. Fun while they last but there's always hell to pay somewhere along the line.

The real question: Do you know what it is you want at this point? Does hubby know what he wants?

Honestly if my words hurt you there's an "Ignore" button on my profile so you won't have to see me at all.
I can still comment but you won't see it.
I think that's how that works, I've never actually used it before.

Best of luck in your situation OP.
I hope your husband and kids end up with a wonderful example of how temporary obstacles in this life cannot break apart 2 people who really love each other.
Take from that what you will.


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## BeyondRepair007

Lisa73 said:


> Kids don't know


What I meant here is that if you "stay for the kids", it's not something that will be hidden forever. The kids will know eventually that you and hubby are not really in love and it may damage their view of a healthy marriage. Kids are perceptive like that.


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## Lisa73

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Apologies if I came off too harsh. It's probably triggered by my own painful past.
> Many people here have a similar background so you might have other 'direct' posters chime in. Just a fair warning about that.
> 
> There is a truth to your situation that most likely won't be pleasant. You might want to prepare for that.
> Of course anything ending in divorce won't be pleasant either.
> I'm really not sure there's a good option.
> 
> Options:
> -Drop the attachment to other guy and focus on repairing your marriage with tons of counseling. Maybe fall back in love?
> -Leave your husband, break up the family, chase something you don't have now (love)
> -Live in a loveless limbo as you are now (not a good option for sure!). I _assume_ your heart belongs to the other guy so it will be super painful to stay in limbo. And it will likely fail at some point when hubby wises up.
> -Convince hubby to open the marriage so you two can live "together but separate" (not sure if that's realistic or healthy for the kids)
> 
> Affairs are like that. Fun while they last but there's always hell to pay somewhere along the line.
> 
> The real question: Do you know what it is you want at this point? Does hubby know what he wants?
> 
> Honestly if my words hurt you there's an "Ignore" button on my profile so you won't have to see me at all.
> I can still comment but you won't see it.
> I think that's how that works, I've never actually used it before.
> 
> Best of luck in your situation OP.
> I hope your husband and kids end up with a wonderful example of how temporary obstacles in this life cannot break apart 2 people who really love each other.
> Take from that what you will.


Yes probably right there. Truth does hurt. Guess I didn't expect to hear such opinions. Something to grow from.

There isn't another guy. Just feeling a little loss and I see posts on facebook of beautiful marriages and perhaps I want to feel that. I'll take on board all suggestions and thanks for taking time out to put your view point.


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## Lisa73

In Absentia said:


> Let me see if I understood it correctly: you had at least an EA, your husband found out, you didn't like his attitude and now you despise him.


Ouch.


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## BeyondRepair007

Lisa73 said:


> Yes probably right there. Truth does hurt. Guess I didn't expect to hear such opinions. Something to grow from.
> 
> There isn't another guy. Just feeling a little loss and I see posts on facebook of beautiful marriages and perhaps I want to feel that. I'll take on board all suggestions and thanks for taking time out to put your view point.


I would suggest to be careful about using Facebook stories as your ideal of what you want. Facebook is a fantasy land of how people want to be seen. I know things look great there, but people don't post there horror stories there. You're seeing the good times, the perfect family (you had hubby had some good times too right? I hope?) but not the work that goes into making those good times. You don't see picture of the fight they have every night because he drinks too much or the pile of socks in the corner because they refuse to help each other. No, you see the day at the beach. And the family picnic.

Love & Marriage is real work. It's not the emotional butterflies all the time unless you both work hard for that.
Since the other guy is out of the picture then *I suggest counseling* to help navigate these issues and help move to a better place emotionally with your marriage.
Plus the folks here on TAM are super-smart about it (even though some are grumpy).

These things can have a bright, happy future for you and your whole family if you & H are willing and desire it.
If not, then divorce is an option, but it's a horrible thing. In the end it might make you both happier if you can't commit to your marriage.


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## In Absentia

Lisa73 said:


> Ouch.


Sorry, it looked that. But you need to explain more about your relationship with that other man.


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## BeyondRepair007

Lisa73 said:


> Just feeling a little loss


I see you're still reading so I'll make a second comment
You might not like this one so much. My last one was focused on the positive.

Lots of speculation here (based on experience) since you're not filling the gaps openly.

The 'loss' you're feeling I assume is for the relationship with the other man.
I'm speculating that when his life blew up he left you to try to get back with his wife.
And now there's too much between you two that can't come back and you're feeling the pain of that loss.

I've been there so I know what you're going through.

You need to realize that the OM is not a good guy.
I know you are in limerence but you need to shake that off.

He was betraying his wife. He tried to lure you away (or you lured him away).
He lied and became emotionally entangled with another woman.

The end result here if it played out without disruption would be to destroy your family and his.
This is not a good guy who will intentionally go down that road.
I'm not letting you off the hook here either, but you're the one here and need to realize who he really is.

He went back to his wife and tried to keep her tells you everything you need to know about how he feels about you.

You need to cut him out of your heart and heal yourself and your family.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck Lisa.


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## Diana7

What was the relationship like that you had with the other man? Just emotional? Anything physical? I assume it was pretty intense for them to get divorced over it. Its hard to see his wife ending the marriage if it was purely a friendship. 
Are you angry with your husband for telling her and ending it? It seems to me that he acted as any husband should by protecting his family.


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## BeyondRepair007

Diana7 said:


> What was the relationship like that you had with the other man? Just emotional? Anything physical? I assume it was pretty intense for them to get divorced over it. Its hard to see his wife ending the marriage if it was purely a friendship.
> Are you angry with your husband for telling her and ending it? It seems to me that he acted as any husband should by protecting his family.


OP said this earlier:



Lisa73 said:


> Yes I guess I have begun to despise him. due to another 'friend' relationship. my husband didn't like it & spoke to friends wife. that marriage ended. no proof of an affair but my husband assumed it. Yes perhaps friend relationship shouldn't have happened. I have stayed married for kids


So she say's it was "just a friendship" (seems like I've heard that before) but it shouldn't have happened (EA)
She also says 'no proof of an affair" which suggests there could have been PA but no one found out.

I agree with you, whatever happened was very emotional & traumatic for both families. This was not a simple friendship.
Add to that the fact that OP is "feeling the loss" so there was a deep connection of some type to OM.

All of this adds up to a bad picture, I hope OP clarifies.
The happiness of a family is at stake, I hope the damage to the kids is low or doesn't happen at all.


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## D0nnivain

Lisa73 said:


> Fallen out of love and guess the thoughts others will have of me. Changed over the years. I cringe when he touches me. There are some resentment and I think that is why I'm unhappy & cant give him what he wants


What does your husband want that you can't give him? Have you tried or are you simply refusing because you feel your needs aren't being met? 

These issues are fixable if you both work at it & are open to reconcilliation. You could benefit from MC. 




Lisa73 said:


> Resentment is family members he doesn't get along with. Yes an incident of another man (my fault).


He thinks you strayed yet you are upset with him. I'm going to believe you that it was only a friendship with this other guy but did you ever stop & think about how lousy your behavior made your husband feel? 

I'm not sure why you cringe when your DH touches you but that is very bad. For that alone, I would say divorce. He deserves to have a happy marriage to a wife who's thrilled for his touch 

If you know where / how you lost the spark, maybe MC could help you work to get it back. I suspect there is more to this then you are telling us or maybe even than you understand. Something happened to cause all this resentment. It has to be more than that he doesn't get along with some family member of yous. 




Lisa73 said:


> Just feeling a little loss and I see posts on facebook of beautiful marriages and perhaps I want to feel that. I'll take on board all suggestions and thanks for taking time out to put your view point.


FB is an illusion. You are seeing one moment in time that may have been staged. Every family has problems. There may have been screaming before the photo or a tragedy after. Stop basing your desires on something that is not real. 

I get the sense that may be part of the problem. Marriage stopped being easy. You two need to work to maintain your connection but you stopped & drifted apart. You fell into this friendship with this other man because that was easy, magically & like some romance novel. You gravitated to that to the detriment of what was real -- your marriage. Now that is in more tatters & you don't want to put in the effort to fix it. I think you are chasing a fantasy & have a bit of GiGs


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## BigDaddyNY

Lisa73 said:


> Yes I guess I have begun to despise him. due to another 'friend' relationship. my husband didn't like it & spoke to friends wife. that marriage ended. no proof of an affair but my husband assumed it. Yes perhaps friend relationship shouldn't have happened. I have stayed married for kids


No, the "friend" relationship shouldn't have happened. That is called an affair by the way, and you will get well deserved grief about that on this site. Your husband did the right thing by exposing it to the other half of the affair. 

It is sad that you've fallen out of love, but that is life. What is wrong is staying in the marriage for the kids, then seeking the relationship you want while still married. You will be just piling guilt on top of your disappointment in your marriage. Does your husband know you are repulsed by his touch? This has to be effecting your children, even if you don't realize it. Do the right thing. Buckle down and work on fixing your marriage with 100% effort if that is what you want. If you are willing to do that then proceed with divorce and allow both of you to move on as coparents.


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## BigDaddyNY

D0nnivain said:


> If you know where / how you lost the spark, maybe MC could help you work to get it back. I suspect there is more to this then you are telling us or maybe even than you understand. Something happened to cause all this resentment. It has to be more than that he doesn't get along with some family member of yous.


I would bet good money that she was/is in love with her "friend". Her husband isn't the person she is in love with anymore and she resents being married to him. She may think it is something else, but that is probably her way of dealing with the guilt and other emotions.


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## BeyondRepair007

BigDaddyNY said:


> I would bet good money that she was/is in love with her "friend". Her husband isn't the person she is in love with anymore and she resents being married to him. She may think it is something else, but that is probably her way of dealing with the guilt and other emotions.


That's exactly been my thought this whole thread.
What's not clear to me is how OM is now available but she's not going to him?

She's either lying about that or they had a blowout when he tried to keep his M together.
I'm betting on the blowout, and she's having an hard time coping with that.


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