# i need help because i am going to commit suicide‏



## will1214 (Mar 7, 2012)

hello , every one , 
i really need a help or advice , because the sadness and the stress i have taking me so far
i don't know what to do or where to go , please take the time to read my message , 
first sorry every one i am not english speaker , so forgive me for my bad english , 
please take time and read my problem because i start loosen my mind dark and i want commit suicide ,

i will start with my life how was it , i come from boor african country ,i had 2 years old brother he died when i was 9 because my family was so boor and didn't have money to toke him to the hospital, my mother died when i was 14 years old , she died from the stress and sadness that my father cost her , my father is cheater and domestic violence in high level , i have 2 young brothers ,
i left my country and i went to japan when i was 18 years old ,i toke the responsibility for my family , i worked so hard to make money and send it to my brothers so they can go to school .
i am african guy but i am not black , when i went to japan i get along the black african guys , i worked in the street , almost of my friend is black african guys , i listen to hip hop only , i dance hip hop only ,
i am not bad looking guy , i used have the most hot sexy girl friend around my friends ( models , TV actors ) i used have a black American girl friend for four years , any way i am 30 years old now 12 years by being in japan alone trying to survive made me a strong and smart and i don't trust people that so easy . 
here is my story , let me go back from where it start one year ago 
i met that normal japanese girl , we start seeing each other , i told her bad and good i had done in my life , we went many places , we had a lot of fun , we used meet every day even if its for 10 minute , even for the first time in my life i bought her flower , when i was around her i felt something strong about her , we liked each other , for almost 2 month i tell i love you and she answer back i love you to , we was kissing every day , i am player so i didn't want have sex with her because i thought easy come easy go and i really felt something so special about her so i didn't want to **** it up .
after 2 month she told me about she have to go to the united state of America for 2 weeks for business and shopping and i told its okay , than 5 days before she go to the USA i get a call from my brother told me that my father has past away , i was so sad and i felt bad about myself because i couldn't talk with my father for 12 years , i was angry because i used blame him for my mother death , any way i was sad and lonely ,i didn't go work or talk with any one , than i felt i need to see my girl before she leave to the USA , i met her and i toke her to the airport , i wished if i could ask her to stay but she kept talking about this trip how its going to make her business going to progress , when i met her that day she never asked me if i am okay or she said she is sorry for my lost , i thought she had a lot of thing going in her mind , so i didn't care , i kissed her and i told her i love you , she look back in my eyes and said i love you to , any way since she left and she used sent her mail every day and call me sometimes , she will talk about how she miss me , how she miss my kiss , how she want be next to me as soon as possible .
she came back and i really was thinking about her a lot , i missed her and we toke our relationship to the next level , we had sex , and every thing was good ,nice ,and sweet . we spent more time together and we was enjoying everyday we went many places we had a lot of good memory , we laugh a lot because i am the type of person enjoying making people around me laughing .
than the earth quick hit japan and the nuclear crisis all the foreigner was running away from japan and my embassy was taking every one back home on airplane , but i asked my girl what are you going to do , she said she is going to stay in japan because she have no where to go , so i stayed for her , i told her i don't care about whats going to happen as i am next to you .
2 month later since she came back from the U.S.A now , we was at coffee shop and she told me she is pregnant, and she asked me what i want do about it , birth the baby or take the baby out ? that moment it was the most happiness moment in my life, i felt god is giving me sign to tell me she is the right woman for me, i had no family i used live my life alone and somehow deep inside my heart i wanted to have family , i was so so so happy, i was dancing in the coffee shop , i asked her do you want get married with me she said yes, my hand was checking from the happiness, i met her parents, they agreed to get married, i wanted to show her i can take care of her i gave her 5000$ i told her keep this money for our baby birth operation .

we start live together than from here things changed , i am not stupid person , but i like to act like i am to give the person front of me the chance to be real or not , i am a jealous guy but in a normal level , any way i gave my wife her freedom and my complete trust 100% ,she will hang with her guys friend , she will have lunch with guys friend , talking with guys i was 100% oky , than some how i found out my wife she lie about really small , i start wonder why !! i know people they can lie they doesn't remember them lies , so i start ask her something once than after time i will ask her the same question but in a different way , i always found the answers lies .
here the worth happened after 6 month of we being together , we went for a trip by the ocean , some how we had this hard talking than i flip out on her , i told her all her lies doesn't work on me , than i asked her what's going on her mind ?? she told me that when she went to U.S.A she went to meet her black boyfriend that she had relationship with him for 6 years , she slept in his house , she was ****ing him , i remember this moment every thing around me went dark and i couldn't stand up , i told her i want be alone for a while , i start cry for 30 minute , i went back to her i asked her drive us home because we was far away from home and was too late at night , than i start asked why ?? i start get angry and i was screaming at her face asking if that baby she have is mine ? she answered me that her black boyfriend doesn't come for the past 2 year so when they had sex he never come , i start ask her tell me who did you enjoy ****ing me or your boyfriend ??? her answer was you 50% him 50% , because he **** her hard for so long time and his **** big fit her ***** , and me do it slow and romantically .
i start cool down and i asked her if you want still want us to stay together , she said yes , i told her you come with the true , tell me every thing bad you done in your life and lets start clean so i will trust you and believe you , i told her to tell me every thing not because i was really thinking about starting clean , i just felt that i get married to someone i didn't know , i wanted to know her true face , i wanted to know her mind ,
she told me when she was 9 years old she had sexual feeling to her school teacher (female teacher ) , she used imagine sexual things between her and her teacher , when she was 10 years old she toke her 4 years younger female cousin to the shower room and asked her to take her cloth off and she start huge her strongly from her back , when she was 11 years old she start bush her sister and force her young sister , she used take her young sister cloth off and lick her young sister nibble she used do that for a long while , she start watch sex movie and she will play with herself imagine what she watched , she will even buy sex magazine , she play with herself a lot even if she have a boyfriend , she love black guys her first boyfriend is black guy she had a lot of sex relationship boyfriend or one night stand she love them body or the way they talk ,after she finished her high school she sold her high school uniform with her underwear with her photo when she was wearing them to a sexual shop so a sick guys can go there and buy it so they can sniff it and look to her photo and imagine her , etc etc etc etc etc , she told me that is every thing .
in our way back home , she kept telling me she love me, she want me in her life , she want change and have family with me , than i told her oky but you have to be honest with me no more lie , any way she was driving back home and we stop talking for 30 minute than i asked her suddenly why don't you let me go and take my baby and go to live with your boyfriend because he doesn't come any more so he can't make baby , i asked her that question and her answer was he doesn't have enough money to take care of me and the baby, and he doesn't like baby crying , and he had bad father so he think he can't be a good father . 

we went back home and it getting worth and worth , i start getting crazy , i stayed home and i kept screaming at her because that day she said she came clean with every thing but i kept found lies every day on , i start toke drug ( crystal meth ) every day and the drug didn't make me sleep by days and all i am doing was telling her this is a lie and this is a lie , screaming at her asking her to tell me the truth , 
any way one month later of this madness and stress , i can't talk with any one about it , i feel same , my pride as a man can't make me go talk about it , so i asked her to call her parents i wanted to tell them , she did , when i told her father that his daughter cheat on me and she is not sure if that is my baby 100% , he looked at her and his first words was , why did you told him something like that ? why didn't you kept it secret ?
he told me even if his daughter killed someone he will love and support her to the end , when she talked with her mother about it , her mother she did things she never told her father because if she did tell him he might run away so things like this kept it to your self , than she told her father that day front she can't stop lying .
we went back home and nothing change me kept taking drugs and kept fighting with her , looking for a new lie , anyway i couldn't believe if that is my baby she have .
than i found one more lie was the worth ever, i asked her where is the money i gave you for the baby birth operation she said she keep it in her parents house , i asked her to bring it , so we went together to her family house , it was my first time to go there , than i asked her where do you keep the money show me , the 5000$ i gave her to keep for the baby birth operation she spent 4000$ out of it on her self , and when she gave me the 1000$ i asked her where is the 4000$ she look into my eyes and said she keep it in her account , than i scream at her to be honest once in her life , she said she spent the money .
2 month later from the day she told me what she did in the USA with her boyfriend , we had sex for the first time since , after i finished the sex with her , i start breath hard and all my body start checking so hard and my body temperature go so high , this was the time in my life something like this happen to me , than we had sex again after a while but some how still what she said about my sex and the black boyfriend that 50% 50% was killing me i asked her why i feel like you didn't enjoy and she said no she did i start scream at her i told her your busy was dry not as usuall , from there we start fight again about and i start scream at her , 
i start go to work and i told her i know you are scared to talk to me when i am like this so here is a note you can write down all your true feeling or the truth , 
that moment i asked her if you tell the truth it may hurt relationship but lies kill the relationships , i asked if i get hurt more i can get strong , more i can get pass this , and i can start trust you so be honest , of course i wasn't think this way , all i wanted to know what that woman think ? why she want me to stay ? 
she wrote me this things , this things always on my mind 
1-when we went to see the doctor for the first time , the doctor said that baby is big , she get scared and her black boy friend came to her mind 
2-i always keep telling her ( you are cheater ) bit she really don't think what she did is 100% cheat 
3-even when she was kissing me , touching me , at the day i toke her to the airport only her black boyfriend was on her mind , 
4-she like smoking weed , listen to the music with her boyfriend , when you and me watching movie together still she don't enjoy watching like she used watch with him 
5-one day her young sister was visiting her at the U.S.A , she and her sister and her black boyfriend they watching sex video , she toke her black boyfriend hand and but it on her sister tit she wanted to bush her sister to have threesome sex , but her young sister run , 
6-she wanted her boyfriend to be always proud of her she did any thing he asked her , he asked he to take a video when he is ****ing her , she did 
7-when i put my **** inside her sometimes she doesn't feel it ,and she know that's because of her ***** size , she know when she are feeling it but she don't really feeling it 
8-she feel horny anytime , she will go watch sex video or she will make up the sex story in her mind , yes its true when she see movie or nice body she feel wow that's really nice 
9- when we having sex , even she don't feel my **** , she act she feeling good
10-when we having sex and my her eyes wide open because she want to see me when i am feeling good 
11- when my father past away and i was having hard time she didn't really care because she was going to the U.S.A and her black boyfriend was the only thing on her mind 
12-when we having and she is somewhere , she only want me to hurry up and come .
13- she told me when she try to think about our sex she have non memory , and she have this memory about this black guy she **** 10 years ago how nice was his body was ,her ***** get wet by looking at his body , and how this black guy ****ed her hard on the soft and how she lost her mind, how this black guy **** her without taking out his clothes ,and she told me this guy loved to **** her this way and this guy like this etc etc
14-she love to watch lesbian sex video and every time she watch one her ***** get so so so wet .
15-she and her black boyfriend had a good time together ,even tho they didn't go out from the house , but with me she feel like is in jail , she feel a prisoners 
16-she really don't know how to love someone before 
17-when she had sex with her boyfriend for the first time she felt love somehow , after that she didn't worry about any thing , because she know he love her ,she never felt this way so that why he is so special ,
18- she want me to feel good and come when we having sex , when she see me come , make her feel she is okay 
19- when i licked her ***** for the first time , she really really felt love .
20- when she used have sex with her boyfriend she smoke weed and she can't really enjoy sex without smoking weed .
21- she felt she wanna be american and have the american mentality she listen to every thing her black boyfriend , her black boyfriend told her it's impossible to have sex with one person forever so instead of cheating , they should have sex with who ever they feel they want , at the first she thought that crazy , but later she think she should try why not !!
22- she imagine that she rape guy and she even had dream about this , this thing always on her mind .
23- she told me she had some relationships with some white guys , she said she always break up with them , she said she doesn't like white guys because they are weak and she love black guys because they always act hard and they are strong , 
24- she told me now i looks cool after i lost weight because before i used looks like double chin .
25- she had cheated once on her boyfriend that she love for 6 year with other black guy, second time she was going to meet that black guy and cheat on her black boyfriend but didn't happen because her boyfriend catch her .stopped her 
26-she said she never get hurt from someone , because she always hurt people .
27- she used call her black boyfriend bo bo when they having sex, once i ****ed her after that she went sleep , i was next her on the bed and i asked her to move little she called me bo bo 
28- even after she told me what happen , one day i went to work and i made big money i was so happy , in my way back home i bought her expensive ring with diamond and famous brand scarf , when i gave it to her she didn't say thank you or any thing she just stand there and her eyes went some where , i asked her what are you thinking she said she was thinking why her black boyfriend in 6 years never bought her a gift


any way we kept fighting like this , me didn't stopped taking drug ( crystal meth ) , my wight was 187 pounds and now 123 pounds , time go on , we kept waiting to the day baby birth
the baby born , a boy , and the boy was mine , he is so quite , he always draw a smile on my face every time i look to him . since that moment my son had born i stopped taking drug 
any way since the day she told me she ****ed her boyfriend in the U.S.A i toke her phone and break it , i made lock password to the computer so don't use it , 
now she start getting stress out because she can't mail her friends , or her sister , she doesn't have her phone i keep it , she can't go out from the house without me next to her .
it been 3 month now since my son had porn , and she never try to do any thing for me , she doesnt't feel guilty about what she have done, after couple of days from the day she told me she **** the boyfriend , i tried to cut my self with a knife asking her to change and be honest with me , if something made me angry and i asked to do this or this for me , she will say okay she will but she never did any thing .
i don't feel any love from her side , she doesn't care about my feeling , she never work on change , she never told me a sweet words , when i met her at first she doesn't know how to cook even easy thing like egg omelet , she never saved money i married her 0$ , she doesn't take care of the house or cleaning , i kept telling her share your mind with me lets talk about things she doesn't ,
i don't believe any word she said , i even tried to hurt her but she have no feeling so 
since my son had born , i start less talk about things , when i huge him or when he smile at me i feel super super happy , i love my son soooo much , that why i stayed , 
but right now all this things on my mind doesn't go out , i really don't know why did i stayed with her since the day she told me what she have done , maybe because i had no place to go , or because i wanted to have family or because i want revenge or because i love my son or because what ? 
what i believe on my mind right now 
i can't believe any words she said , in my mind i believe she will cheat on me one day , she is sex sick freak , why she keep saying she love and she doesn't want me to go because she have no moony and her boor family as well , so she will suffer she can't work or go any way because the baby is just a 3 month , how could you love someone but she hurt me this way ? her answer because i asked her to hurt me by telling me things more she hurt me more i get stronger , why she never try to apologize , if i start watch movie now with her my mind will tell me she told she enjoy watching more with the boyfriend , i start hate the way i looks , i start hate my body , i start hate myself , i don't like to listen to hip hop music any more when i am at home with her , every day i will go to work my black african friends will talk about how he **** this japanese ***** or this or or always her picture show up , i can't be my self any more , i become a monster , i start hit her sometimes , every time we kiss the black guy show up on my mind , every time we **** i feel so bad , even so i know that my **** size is not small and her ***** is big from ****ing black guys but i feel so small when i am ****ing her , i can't trust her sister when she is around , i hate her family , how could this woman be a mother ? when she spent the baby birth operation money i gave her .
in the end i don't know what to do any more , since i had met her i was honest with her i gave trust 100% , i bought her flower , i cooked for her many time , i toke her many places , i bought her many gift , i forgive her many thing , i have to eat her food even if its was so bad test and tell her i love it , go trips ,go watch movies , always be there for her , always advice her , always speak my mind to her , toke to any where she want go ,always telling her sweet words , take care of her and my son , buy her family gifts and ask her to give it to them as she are the one she bought it , 
but all i get non support , no love , no marcy , no apologize , no trying , no heart , no help , i feel i been used , but she keep saying she love me and she is sorry for hurting me but she will changed , 1 years 3 month and nothing , only me getting out of control , 
what i wan is advice , because i don't know what to do any more ,
i feel i want hurt her feeling some how and the only way is by killing my self so she can look every day to my son and know what she had done , i want kill my self so that my son when he grow up and ask her about me she will get hurt , i really feel i have no place to go , so why not i kill my self this life break me down , i become so weak , i keep crying by myself because i never did any thing bad or hurt someone in my life,
i don't stay for my son or , what can i do ??
i become a crazy person and i feel lost , and every thing around me card , i can't enjoy the life again , i don't know how to get myself back together , its killing me to leave my son because i never had family and he is the only one i have , i love him so much and i keep pushing my self to stay , please help me 
if i want stay how should i forgive her ? or i shouldn't stay any more ?


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## NSaudagar (Feb 23, 2012)

I'm giving only one suggestion to u..

You write ur full story here, nd i'm thinking wt struggle u did it's common. Everyone has to face it nd may be more than it.

So, don't think that ur problem is big.
It's happening in everyone's life.

Nd i'm suggesting to u that DO WT UR HEART WANTS.

It's better to go far from the things that makes u unhappy than suicide.
So....... do wt u really want with ur full mind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Will,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. 
Killing yourself will deprive your baby his father. She will just move on. She sounds like a very damaged person who has no feelings for anyone but herself. If she really did like her friend in the USA as much as she tells you she does, she would be living with him. My take on it is that she is telling you things about him to get you jealous. It’s mean… she is mean.

I don’t know what the laws are in Japan as far as custody goes. Can you get 50% custody of your son? Make your life about him because he is going to need someone in his life to protect him from his mother.

Is there any kind of counseling available? Can you see a counselor to have someone to talk to?


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I don't have much advice, but I wanted to say that suicide is NOT the answer. We are all here for the same reasons. We have been hurt, more than we ever thought possible. But we will all survive this! And although we can't see it at the moment, time will make this easier for us all. I sincerely hope and pray you will be able to find the strength and peace to make it through this obstacle and live a full, long, happy life.


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

im sorry that this has happened to you. Firstly Suicide is not an option. It's only for the weak. If u say u love ur son as much as you do, you wont leave him in this world with a woman like her. What if she abandons him? Comeon Think about it. Dont be stupid. If u kill urself, u'll only be as "bad" as her. Be a responsible parent, with or without her. 

In my opinion, u have too much resentment on her. I think this marriage/relationship is beyond repair. My advise is to leave before you damage both her and yourself any further especially your son in the future. It will only get worse. 
Dont get me wrong. U are also at fault even if u say she was the one "WHO" started it. Yes She cheated. SO WHAT? It's ur choice to let go or stay. If u chose to stay, stay. Dont put on the "blame game" on one another. It's why you are at where you are right now. Too much resentment in my opinion. She probably has gathered all that resentment from you emotionally/physically abusing her over time as well. That why shes acting the way she is. 

I think u should either 

1. SIT DOWN WITH HER AND ASK IF she wants to work this out. ( clean/fresh started ). No more abusing about things "you did or she did". STOP the blame game. Go marriage councilling. Find/seek help. 

2. Leave. I think this option is best for now. If she loves you and you love her, you WILL be together again. U need a break away from one another for now.


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

Suicide is not the solution for your problem. You have to face this hard time. Sorry, you are her. From your conversation, it looks that she has no feelings for you and yourself. If today, you commit suicide, she will surely move on. You must think about your baby because i don't think she is much interested to take care of your child.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Do not kill yourself.

Set aside your feelings and figure out what the actual problems are. Fix them, instead.

Sounds like things are rough for you. Don't give up, though. As long as you're alive, you've got a chance to make your life better.

Maybe your partner sucks, but she isn't the whole world; you can be there for your kid and maybe that can be your motivation and purpose. Parenthood is important and your kid needs you.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This post is filled with crazyness.

What difference does it make what color the guy she cheated with is?

All sorts of stereo types about hip hop music, weed, being broke, and penis size.

Sorry, I'll let the rest comment. I'm disgusted.


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