# My Story



## uraha (Jul 9, 2012)

I write this not as a plea for advice or for help, but rather as an opportunity to tell my story to someone. My personal support network is very small (no surviving family on my side, and very few friends close enough to broach subjects such as these), 

We're both around 50, have been together for almost 22 years, and married for 20. Three children: son 17, daughters 9 and 7.

We've both been in IC over the past year, for issues from our respective childhoods. Because of these issues, we hadn't really ever learned to communicate during all of our years together. While we do very well together on a day-to-day basis, neither of us has been comfortable with discussing our feelings (because we learned as children that our feelings don't matter) or raising issues in the marriage (because we should be strong or resourceful enough to deal with these issues by ourselves). So over time, we drew apart as a couple, despite doing our best as parents to our three children.

About six weeks ago, I discovered through phone records that W was having an EA with a co-worker, and when I brought this to her attention, she did not deny it. I asked her to stop contact with this co-worker, and she said that this was something she needed to do. I also asked whether there had been any other EAs or PAs, and she replied that there had not been any.

Two weeks later, I followed up on what I thought was an odd comment that W made, about a fictional character being "her persona." On a whim, I visited a Web site that she frequents, and sure enough, I found a series of posts under that fictional character's name that alluded to another EA that she had last year. Those posts identified the family situation, the nature of her work, etc., so I knew that she had written the posts. At that point, I'd felt that I'd been doubly deceived by her, so when I brought this up to her, I became like a wounded animal and lashed out at her, going as far as to say that I would leave her. Seeing that nothing that she was saying was calming me down at all, she went upstairs, and I slept on the couch that night, with every intention of packing a bag in the morning and going away for some time to think. In the morning, though, she talked me into waiting long enough to discuss this with the therapist during my next IC session.

During our session, the therapist advised me against taking measures such as electronic monitoring (this was before I visited TAM for the first time), recommending instead that I begin taking steps to rebuild the broken bridges of communication and trust between us, as well as to begin joint counseling, to which W agreed.

So now we're technically in "recovery." We're three sessions into MC, and while it's progressing, both of us are uncomfortable in the marriage, and it is unclear as to whether this can or will ever change. She needs to determine if she would be willing to let me be her primary source of emotional support. I need to decide whether I can manage my insecurity, and trust myself to begin trusting her again. Both of us also need to make sure that a life together is what we really want, and right now, neither of us is ready to decide one way or the other.

We both agree, though, that whatever we do will have to be in the best interests of everyone concerned; there are five lives that are riding on our decision. While we would both prefer to keep the marriage going for the sake of the children, we may well decide that the best course of action would be separation or divorce.

My biggest concern is that, even with the changes I'm making in my life as a result of the IC, she will come to the realization that I'm not capable of meeting her emotional needs. My biggest fear is that, when she does come to that realization, she won't tell me, because she'll think it will hurt my feelings. Rather, she will seek another EA, and when I find out about it, we will reach a point to where the trust can never be rebuilt.

Unfortunately, I don't know her biggest concern or her biggest fear. She has been reluctant to give more than a two- or three-word answer about anything involving her feelings or the relationship. Hopefully, over time, we can begin to break down this barrier.

Thanks for reading.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> During our session, the therapist advised me against taking measures such as electronic monitoring


Ask the therapist why he/she takes this stance?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

And the present ongoing EA, has it been shut down, no I guess it will never be shut down, cuz she works with the guy

You can't solve your problems with a 3rd person in your mge---or did your therapist bother to address that problem


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I've mentioned this on here before and I am sure I am not alone in this, but my wife began an EA and I knew about it and challenged her about it.

3 years later it turned into a marriage wrecking 2 and a half year PA.

Don't take this lying down. Don't make her actions make you feel guilty. You deserve more than 2 or 3 words.

Please, don't make the mistake I did. Tell her the EA stops or you go.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She only needs to give you the 2-3 word answers b/c the OM gets the long drawn out answers that show her emotions.

As long as the OM is communicating with her, be it professional and or personaly then the dynamic of the marriage will be effected.

You know all of this but still you stuggle. So do what you can to get the OM out of the picture. 

I'm guessing here but if she quit her job and stopped all contact with OM's she would be talking your ear off.....about all kind s of stuff, even her emotions.

So the point to all of this is she won't change until she takes the step to affair proof her marriage.

You my friend can make a change by stop tolorating sharing your wife and letting her go. Maybe she will turn a corner before the D is finalized and start to help in the relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

When you discovered the EA, your best chance was to insist on immediate NC with the co-worker. Unfortunately that very likely meant changing jobs.

One must go through withdrawal which can take weeks / months. ANY conact whatsoever requires one to begin withdrawal all over again.

So waiting two weeks was less than optimal. Realize that time is not on your side with an EA. Two weeks is an eternity. But understand that when confronted it is common for the affair partners to take things underground and it can also accelerate the affair into a PA. So once confrontation happens there must be NO further contact with the affair partner whatsoever, other than possibly a no contact letter that is handled by the BS.

You CANNOT work on your marriage positively with a 3rd person in your marriage like you have now. You do not nice people out of affairs. There are some counselors who actually believe the thing to do is to let affairs run there course. UFB ... yes.

I suspect the counselor knows that if you monitor the other person that you will find things that will really upset you. Also there are those people who believe in privacy in marriage. Yes, as crazy at that seems.

Counselor or not you need to insist on no contact immediately, verify by all means compliance and if she works with this guy she needs to change her job.

Do this if your marriage is important to you.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> During our session, the therapist advised me against taking measures such as electronic monitoring (this was before I visited TAM for the first time), recommending instead that I begin taking steps to rebuild the broken bridges of communication and trust between us, as well as to begin joint counseling, to which W agreed.


Nah man... Don't investigate it further, if you do you are going through a divorce and then i'll lose the chance of living the big life at your expense for years to come... 

Yes, that's right, i'm pretty cynical regarding these so called therapists. I know a couple and i would not let them treat my cat.


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