# Online affairs...How....why and Huh?



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

I don't get online affairs. And I would like posters to tell me what constitutes one. I have read about them, of course. Sometimes the AP is known to the WS, but at other times , they have never met, in RL. Perhaps it's just me, but I fail to see what the point of them is.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Rookie4 said:


> I don't get online affairs. And I would like posters to tell me what constitutes one. I have read about them, of course. Sometimes the AP is known to the WS, but at other times , they have never met, in RL. Perhaps it's just me, but I fail to see what the point of them is.


The same point as going to the strippers or buying a penthouse. Those hot naked ladies aren't going to have sex with you. 

But they get you all cranked up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

So, two people talk to each other, online and beat off? Is that it? Sounds pretty boring and childish to me.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Online affairs can also be EAs vs. sexual. They get attention, affirmation of attractiveness or that they are interesting or intelligent.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Online affairs can also be EAs vs. sexual. They get attention, affirmation of attractiveness or that they are interesting or intelligent.


this

my ex. was an online-affair-oholic. what i found out from her aunt years later is that before she met me she was online talking to men.
during our bonding years i think? she stayed away from that, but when our relationship hit a rough spot i caught her having an online affair.
subsequently, i caught her in 2 more online affairs and then i was done.

to this day, i'm not sure if she did anything with these guys or not.
one of them, i know she didn't because he was 2,000 miles away.
doesn't matter now. that ship sailed long ago, i'm re-married.

EnjoliWoman is right though, it's about playing 'footsie' from a distance.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Some are sexual, sending pics and sexting. Some are emotional. Friendly chatting that turns into romantic interest based on their personality.

My brother and his wife were both single when they "met" online in a dungeons and dragons-ish game. My brother lived in Ohio, she lived in North Dakota. Their game talk escalated to chatting online, to phone calls, to meeting, to her moving across the country to them now being married for several years. 

An online affair is no different than online dating, other than the fact that obviously an affair means at least one person had a significant other at home unaware of their online relationship with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Rookie4 said:


> I don't get online affairs. And I would like posters to tell me what constitutes one. I have read about them, of course. Sometimes the AP is known to the WS, but at other times , they have never met, in RL. Perhaps it's just me, but I fail to see what the point of them is.


Same here. Before the internet, people would call phone sex lines and have some random stranger talk sexy to them. I never understood the concept.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Rookie4 said:


> I don't get online affairs. And I would like posters to tell me what constitutes one. I have read about them, of course. Sometimes the AP is known to the WS, but at other times , they have never met, in RL. Perhaps it's just me, but I fail to see what the point of them is.


I imagine masturbation may be involved.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

I imagine a lot of times, at least for women, it's due to loneliness and wanting some connection without actually going through with an affair.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> I imagine a lot of times, at least for women, it's due to loneliness and wanting some connection without actually going through with an affair.


Why don't these people just join a club, or something? and if they need positive reinforcement, just talk to their Mamas? It seems like a pretty tame thing to me. I hear that on occasion, these folks actually meet up, but isn't that kind of rare? It seems like making a mountain out of a molehill, to me.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

AS far as sexting goes, showing your booty on skype, seems to me to be about the same as a model for Playboy, posing. In both cases , you don't actually meet the person, you just look at them on the screen. I wonder if Playboy models ( on their website) could be considered as having cyber affairs with hundreds of thousands of people? Interesting.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Rookie4 said:


> Why don't these people just join a club, or something? and if they need positive reinforcement, just talk to their Mamas? It seems like a pretty tame thing to me. I hear that on occasion, these folks actually meet up, but isn't that kind of rare? It seems like making a mountain out of a molehill, to me.


You forget that for some/many people, their personality is not to go out and socialize. This is where online affairs are that much more attractive, you can meet people, build "emotional" bonds, get attention/affection without the anxiety of having to go out in public.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I am dealing with it right now. One month of sex pictures and I need you inside me and crap like that. Of course, it was just to make her feel good about herself. Maybe, or maybe not. Either way, it's pretty messed up as this person is virtually in your house every night. When you are at work. When you are on the toilet. Sometimes sitting next to you when you are watching a movie. And they didn't even ****ing make popcorn!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> So, two people talk to each other, online and beat off? Is that it? Sounds pretty boring and *childish* to me.


Affairs are childish so you can see where this falls in line. If people aren't willing to cross that bridge from EA to PA then online is a pretty safe alternative. They can talk and cheat without ever meeting. Since cheaters are justifiers this gives them a lot of ammunition to minimize and downplay that they aren't really cheating.

In other words this is probably a cheaters wet dream to have this kind of arrangement. But like long distance relationships I don't get it either.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Affairs are childish so you can see where this falls in line. If people aren't willing to cross that bridge from EA to PA then online is a pretty safe alternative. They can talk and cheat without ever meeting. Since cheaters are justifiers this gives them a lot of ammunition to minimize and downplay that they aren't really cheating.
> 
> In other words this is probably a cheaters wet dream to have this kind of arrangement. But like long distance relationships I don't get it either.


I agree, Wolf. To be honest, these online affairs reminds me of Elvis impersonators, Trekkies and "tribute" bands. Phoney as a three dollar bill.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Online affairs can also be EAs vs. sexual. They get attention, affirmation of attractiveness or that they are interesting or intelligent.


*...and can possibly, contingent upon the amount of emboldenment that their online contact fosters, ultimately leads to private, covert meet-ups where the "affair," more often than not, tends to go physical!

Nevertheless, whether the affair is an online one, or at the office, or at church, or wherever, the chief common denominators are always self-serving excuses, secrecy and outright deception!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Careful, Rookie. Calling online affairs fake/phoney is dangerously close to minimizing what happened. It also is is awfully close to telling the betrayed spouse that it's not like they did anything REALLY bad... I mean, after all, there was no touching, right?

As others pointed out, some are not able to go out and socialize. Online gives that ability to interact without getting anxious about being face to face. I know quite a few people who can text and email all day long, but if outside around people, they have panic attacks. For those who are like this, an online affair will often start as a new supportive friend, and grows from that. 

For others, it can start as a shared interest in a hobby, like gaming. They start off chatting ingame about their characters and how to improve them, them move on to kids, spouses, etc. They get to know the persona presented, and it develops from there. 

Obviously, there are others that don't fit these descriptions. However, to say they are fake, compared to a physical affair? I disagree. You are basically telling the husband or wife that their spouse was "just flirting". They aren't. They are very real, very destructive.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Careful, Rookie. Calling online affairs fake/phoney is dangerously close to minimizing what happened. It also is is awfully close to telling the betrayed spouse that it's not like they did anything REALLY bad... I mean, after all, there was no touching, right?
> 
> As others pointed out, some are not able to go out and socialize. Online gives that ability to interact without getting anxious about being face to face. I know quite a few people who can text and email all day long, but if outside around people, they have panic attacks. For those who are like this, an online affair will often start as a new supportive friend, and grows from that.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot, Maricha. This is pretty much what I wanted, when I started this thread. I am more interested in the how and why, and have no interest in assigning blame, which seems to be what most posters want to do.


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## Vikings (Feb 3, 2016)

My wife's online affairs started on myfitnesspal. She was overweight and very depressed about it. She joined mfp and started counting her calories and working out. The weight started coming off and now she is down from 167 to 122 and she is running daily. She is not spending much time with me and our son because after work she drives to the gym or the running trails at a nearby lake. Her goal is to run a 1/2 marathon by fall and a full marathon next spring. 

If you log on to myfitnesspal and go to the forums like "fun and games" flirting is rampant. "Would you sleep with the person above you", "would you kiss the person above you" are the topics. Muscle men players are all over the site looking for lonely women trying to improve themselves. 

My wife started flirting in those forums and from there it went to private messages, then to nude photos and sexting on KIK, then to Skype. 

We are still together and she is still doing those things. She chats with these men right in my face, right in our home. To her it is not cheating, it is just a step up from porn. She is hooked and I don't see her stopping. 

I'm hanging in there for now, I've been working out since February and look great, I've been running, lifting, counting my calories and trying to improve myself and self-esteem. 

I'm working on an exit strategy and the marriage at the same time. 

There is blame for the situation on both sides, my wife's and mine. I was neglecting the marriage, not sleeping with her every night despite her asking me to do so, and she wasn't communicating her frustrations as well. 

I'm trying to improve myself and my relationship with her and hopefully she will stop her online activity. If not then we will have no other option but divorce. 

Right now I'm the one making most of the effort, however she is starting to be more transparent and helping around the house more. 

Hopefully this is a sign things are improving, slowly, but improving. 

I don't bring up the online crap like I did when it was discovered despite the fact she is still doing it. That just leads to a fight. I try to focus on the future, moving forward being happy with or without her. 

If your spouse cheats and you want to stay in the marriage you can't keep beating them over the head about it. You have to forgive and move forward, or leave the relationship. Staying married and continuing to fight over the past is not going to work. 

I guess the reason she did was because it made her feel good about herself, the attention, that hot muscle men found her desirable, the thrill of secrecy, it was a rush, it triggers a chemical in the brain that creates a high and that high is very addictive. 

I pray that she comes around and realizes how childish and selfish her behavior is and we can strengthen our marriage and get past this. If not then I'll put the exit plan in action. 

I'm not ready to give up just yet, we have been together for nearly 20 years and married for 15. That is a lot to throw away.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

I agree with your take on the situation, and think you are approaching this issue in a very clear headed and composed manner. One thing I notice is that you are working on your own self improvement at the same time as you are working on your marriage. This will stand you in good stead with your wife, in the future. Women are much more attracted to confident, assertive men, than they are to doormats. Keep up the good work, and either way, you will come out of it a better person. Good Luck!!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Vikings said:


> I'm not ready to give up just yet, we have been together for nearly 20 years and married for 15. That is a lot to throw away.


Have you ever threatened to end the marriage if she continued her ways, or maybe better put, if you finally decided enough was enough and it was time to leave, do you think she would be caught off guard?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Fitnessfan said:


> I imagine a lot of times, at least for women, it's due to loneliness and wanting some connection without actually *going through with an affair.*


Sorry, have to nitpick.
The only difference is possibly the sexaul physical acts of being together. When men, women as well come here, the thread is filled with loneliness, lack of sex, anger, fighting, insults, time spent away, neglect of the family etc etc etc. All of the same things as a physical affair minus the actual contact. People talk about it all of the time, on the computer, phone, tablet, phone and other things all night long away from your primary relationship.

If I understand Rookie's question he doesn't get the allure. I think people are looking to fill a void, sometimes I think it may be a legit, most other times I think it is imagined. I think you are looking at the physical line and not the mental and emotional line crossed. Honestly, I think more reconciliations would work if it was really "just sex" or "just talking" and didn't contain the emotional toll, loss of trust and realization your own self doubt wasn't fully an issue.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Rookie4 said:


> Why don't these people just join a club, or something?


They do, and they find affair partners at the club too.


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## Vikings (Feb 3, 2016)

Yes I have threatened to end the marriage several times, and a few of those where at the totally wrong times. D-day was super bowl Sunday and I threatened divorce for the rest of February. That made her be less transparent because she didn't want me to have "evidence" to use against her in divorce. 

We went camping in March, had great sex in the tent during an afternoon thunderstorm then that night we were snuggling by the campfire and she was being great holding me talking about how she loves me and how great the sex was that afternoon then I turned into a jerk and told her I was still thinking about leaving her. 

I keep $ucking up the R because I'm not letting go of the past. 

Since the camping trip in March she started doing the online cheating more, I don't think she really stop in February after D-day, but I don't know for sure because she went more underground with it. I do know that after the camping trip it accelerated again, I did some spying and have some very disturbing and for her embarrassing evidence that she would not want anyone to see. 

I stop the spying and I have slowed down on the fighting with her about her internet cheating. Instead I just work on myself and take care of our son and talk about happy future events like summer trips, upcoming soccer tournaments, fitness progress, business progress ect. I don't confront her when I have triggers or see her on her phone, which she can not put down. 

She is living a separate life through her myfitnesspal app, she has male and female friends there that have encouraged her and helped her drop from 167 to 122. They are filling all the voids she was having in her "real" life, sexual, companionship, encouragement, ect. 

Hopefully she will change, if not then I have not choice, but for now it seems our marriage is improving.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Threats and blustering almost never work...obviously because if you don't follow through with your threat, you will lose evermore of her respect. Never cry..wolf...unless the bastard is biting your butt. I think you are doing the right thing and preparing for all eventualities.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Rookie4 said:


> So, two people talk to each other, online and beat off? Is that it? Sounds pretty boring and childish to me.


I think the same about romance novels or the 50 shades garbage. 

Seems to be doing quite well. 

"Mommy porn," I think they call it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

marduk said:


> I think the same about romance novels or the 50 shades garbage.
> 
> Seems to be doing quite well.
> 
> ...


I know what you mean. I love my GF, but she likes to watch TWILIGHT and read those Romantic Vampire books Jeez!!!


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## stilltryin2016 (Apr 13, 2016)

My wife explained her 5 year sexting affair as attention seeking at first (first weeks) , emotional on occasion and sex/porn addiction for the remainder with her OM. He could have had her anytime at a PA but never wanted to meet up, weird I know but wife passed a polygraph and the OM wife got the same story ... he did not need the pa and my wife asked early in but accepted he was not going to meet for sex. The kicker was they worked together (not daily) in the same company not same building but same city). My wife is quite attractive so i never got it but the results are the same for our marriage as I start learning a new life....


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Online affairs can also be EAs vs. sexual. They get attention, affirmation of attractiveness or that they are interesting or intelligent.


And they sometimes turn into physical affairs. Back in the early days of the net, before forums like TAM, there were "newsgroups". Some of the things that went on in those groups was rather blatant.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Herschel said:


> I am dealing with it right now. One month of sex pictures and I need you inside me and crap like that. Of course, it was just to make her feel good about herself. Maybe, or maybe not. Either way, it's pretty messed up as this person is virtually in your house every night. When you are at work. When you are on the toilet. Sometimes sitting next to you when you are watching a movie. And they didn't even ****ing make popcorn!


Wait a few years. Some company will start selling a box that will allow that.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> And they sometimes turn into physical affairs. Back in the early days of the net, before forums like TAM, there were "newsgroups". Some of the things that went on in those groups was rather blatant.


Yes, they can turn physical. But, I think Rookie's question was about those that remain online, only. He doesn't understand how anyone gets anything out of only that, I think. Online to physical, the concept is easy for him to grasp. But strictly online doesn't make sense to him, and is, I believe, the premise of this thread.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Affairs are childish so you can see where this falls in line. If people aren't willing to cross that bridge from EA to PA then online is a pretty safe alternative. They can talk and cheat without ever meeting. Since cheaters are justifiers this gives them a lot of ammunition to minimize and downplay that they aren't really cheating.
> 
> In other words this is probably a cheaters wet dream to have this kind of arrangement. But like long distance relationships I don't get it either.


I think you are skipping a step. On-line meetings in the old days allowed people with similar interests to talk to each other. One got to be friends. There was no hint of sex. It was something like this thread where people talk and express their views.

Every so often someone would e-mail another person (something like private mail on TAM) and the talk would become more personal. Not sexy, just personal. Two people might be sharing a common experience---they just bought a new car or their dog just died.

Some few of these turned flirtatious or, if you prefer, sexy. Sometimes the conversations were like other TAM threads and involved advice. And some of those turned into emotional affairs.

I want to emphasize that. Most contacts were NOT emotional affairs.

Some few of the old newsgroups still exist. I still belong to several. One is named "talk.origins" and is a group devoted to the ancient arguments between those who believe in evolution and those who don't. I've been on it for well over 20 years and am internet friends with a dozen or so people. Many use their real names. Others use net names. I don't even know the gender of some of them.

I've even physically met a number of the "old-timers". The occasion would often be a visit to the US by an "old-timer" from overseas for business or whatever.

In that same way I know that a small number of physical affairs emerged. I long ago came to the conclusion that if you mix men and women, sex will somehow emerge somewhere.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Vikings said:


> My wife's online affairs started on myfitnesspal. She was overweight and very depressed about it. She joined mfp and started counting her calories and working out. The weight started coming off and now she is down from 167 to 122 and she is running daily. She is not spending much time with me and our son because after work she drives to the gym or the running trails at a nearby lake. Her goal is to run a 1/2 marathon by fall and a full marathon next spring.
> 
> If you log on to myfitnesspal and go to the forums like "fun and games" flirting is rampant. "Would you sleep with the person above you", "would you kiss the person above you" are the topics. Muscle men players are all over the site looking for lonely women trying to improve themselves.
> 
> ...


I am sorry to say that you are so right. 

I think that you are doing the right thing. And with a little luck it will work out for you and your wife.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Affairs are childish so you can see where this falls in line. If people aren't willing to cross that bridge from EA to PA then online is a pretty safe alternative. They can talk and cheat without ever meeting. Since cheaters are justifiers this gives them a lot of ammunition to minimize and downplay that they aren't really cheating.
> 
> In other words this is probably a cheaters wet dream to have this kind of arrangement. *But like long distance relationships I don't get it either.*


I didn't get it, either... until I was in one... But then we married about a year later.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> I think you are skipping a step. On-line meetings in the old days allowed people with similar interests to talk to each other. One got to be friends. There was no hint of sex. It was something like this thread where people talk and express their views.
> 
> Every so often someone would e-mail another person (something like private mail on TAM) and the talk would become more personal. Not sexy, just personal. Two people might be sharing a common experience---they just bought a new car or their dog just died.
> 
> ...


Obviously a big difference between an "interest group" innocent in nature and trolling Ashely ******* for a hookup.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> I didn't get it, either... until I was in one... But then we married about a year later.


That's cool that worked out for you, you should share a success story like that here of you haven't already. Yours would be the only long distance relationship I have ever heard that works long term. 

For me all the talking and communicating with no sex isn't lasting beyond a couple weeks lol


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Where it's going to get very blurry is when vr and telepresence sex toys take off. 

Is it cheating if it's virtual? Is it cheating if it's a bot on the other end and not a human?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> So, two people talk to each other, online and beat off? Is that it? Sounds pretty boring and childish to me.


Yes, my ex did, and yes, I think so, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Vikings said:


> My wife's online affairs started on myfitnesspal. She was overweight and very depressed about it. She joined mfp and started counting her calories and working out. The weight started coming off and now she is down from 167 to 122 and she is running daily. She is not spending much time with me and our son because after work she drives to the gym or the running trails at a nearby lake. Her goal is to run a 1/2 marathon by fall and a full marathon next spring.
> 
> If you log on to myfitnesspal and go to the forums like "fun and games" flirting is rampant. "Would you sleep with the person above you", "would you kiss the person above you" are the topics. Muscle men players are all over the site looking for lonely women trying to improve themselves.
> 
> ...


Vikings,
My ex got herself into that crap and list all emotional attachment to me. Yours will, too. She is losing respect for you every day it goes on.
This is no way for a man to live. You're trying to avoid the inevitable by doing the pick me dance, as they say.
It's degrading what you're doing, and what I did for a few days. It will leave you an empty she'll of a man. If you want her back, you have to be strong enough to tell her to leave and move on. If there's any live or decency left in her, she will come to her senses. If you allow this to continue, you have no chance. That's justy opinion. I wish you more luck than me, either way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> That's cool that worked out for you, you should share a success story like that here of you haven't already. Yours would be the only long distance relationship I have ever heard that works long term.
> 
> For me all the talking and communicating with no sex isn't lasting beyond a couple weeks lol


It wasn't easy, that's for sure. We met in person about two months after meeting online, and spent about a week together. Then, it was about 4 months later before we were face to face again. We were physically in close proximity for about 4 months, then apart for another two. After that last separation, we were together from that point on. Now, I hate being apart for even one night. We've had our problems (and why I understand this topic, even if I can't fully articulate it)... but we worked through it, and have put it behind us.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

My H had an EA with an ex coworker that he had an affair with 12 years ago. Both times he turned into an abusive monster that I didn't recognize. Now we've got children. I'm isolated in a foreign country away from my friends & family. For me it's been completely devastating, definitely not 'better' than an affair. In some ways it's actually worse for the betrayed. 

I found their messages. I read what they said about me. Once you've read the love of your life describing you as a worthless burden because you're experiencing very serious health issues it kills something inside. Reading "You're the last thing I think of when I go to sleep at night" (considering what husbands & wives do before going to sleep!) & "you're the first thing I think of every morning" it's hard to hear people say it's 'nothing'. 

To me it was everything. I've lost my love story (I met my H 26 years ago after my 21st birthday) I've lost my faith & innocence. I'll never be the same person again. It's broken my heart. I'm shattered. I'm devastated. It's one of (if not) the worst experiences of my life.

26 years of "Our magical life" (as he described it), our FAMILY, our LIFE is very close to over. I'm experiencing intense resentment for the first time in my life. That's what EA's online 'only' are in real life.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

The thing about an online affair that you start off just talking about mundane every day things and find you have things in common with somebody else. It can be anything from coffee to a child with a disability( this is what we began talking about). I found in my case it was about being anxious and having somebody there for me. It's not sexual as my husband and I are not in a sexless marriage. As for him he has somebody to talk to about his child as his wife is her stepmother and not really interested in going above and beyond for her and we have talked about different strategies we have been given. It's a slippery slope. I do not advise getting too personal with anybody because if you develop feelings it's not good at all. Both of us have been in our marriages over 24 years so thought feelings wouldn't happen.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

jorgegene said:


> to this day, i'm not sure if she did anything with these guys or not.
> one of them, i know she didn't because he was 2,000 miles away.


Let me tell ya first hand - distance doesn't matter in this day and age!

My ex wife had a 2-year long online affair with the guy she eventually left me for and subsequently married. He was in Europe, we were in NA.

He came here at least once while were were still married and living together - something I didn't discover until our marriage was over and she had moved over there to be with him. I had no idea the guy even existed at the point that he came here.

It's unlikely a more casual online affair would lead to this, but you also never know. Depends on how caught up they get, how desperate one or the other is, or how "serious" it gets.

People will travel great distances for sex (or "love"), it's not that uncommon.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> You forget that for some/many people, their personality is not to go out and socialize. This is where online affairs are that much more attractive, you can meet people, build "emotional" bonds, get attention/affection without the anxiety of having to go out in public.




Also:
- low barrier of entry. You don't need to run around. It can literally be carried out while on your daily visit to the toilet

- people looking for affairs can cast a wider net and comb through a greater amount of potentials

- less risk. Duh

- Cheaters lie to themselves. By it being only virtual it can feed into their internal narrative that it's not real

- AP physical appearance less important, so that wide net you are casting also has much smaller holes in it


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Wolf1974 said:


> Affairs are childish so you can see where this falls in line. If people aren't willing to cross that bridge from EA to PA then online is a pretty safe alternative. They can talk and cheat without ever meeting. Since cheaters are justifiers this gives them a lot of ammunition to minimize and downplay that they aren't really cheating.
> 
> In other words this is probably a cheaters wet dream to have this kind of arrangement. But like long distance relationships I don't get it either.


I disagree. Cheating, or infidelity, happens the second somebody tells someone who is not their spouse/partner something that should otherwise only ever be said to them. Or does something with them, or even feels a certain way. Online or IRL, it doesn't matter.

We live in a different age now - one where people seem to think that simply because we're behind a computer screen "it means nothing", "it's not real". Millions of people say things from a keyboard that they'd never walk up to somebody and say in real life - that doesn't make it less real.

And consequently, people DO things from behind a computer that they'd likely never do IRL, either.

I see this firsthand with my teenage son, who is constantly online in one way or another. IRL, he's a genuinely nice, kind-hearted and polite young adult. Highly intelligent, too. Online, it's like a different persona altogether. Kids are truly growing up with split personalities in this day and age.

Many people in my generation (30's and 40's) didn't grow up with this, but were also around to see the dawn of the internet age. It's easy to get caught up in it, especially the darker side of it all (sex, porn, affairs, etc.) Things that weren't at our fingertips when we were 15 or 16. Imagine what it's going to be (or already is) like for those that don't know a world without online interaction.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

btterflykisses said:


> The thing about an online affair that you start off just talking about mundane every day things...
> 
> *It's a slippery slope...*


Heard those exact words from my fWW.

One day years ago, She and a GF drove 150 miles to have lunch with a HS childhood friend who had a serious illness. She had not seen this man in 25 years. She openly talked about the lunch date.

After lunch they exchanged email addresses. For months they emailed each other, _"mundane everyday things". _ She never told me about the exchange of emails. Gradually, the emails became more sexual in content. She admits she enjoyed it and played along. 

She freely admitted she knew where it was heading... Straight to some Interstate Hotel Room.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Vikings said:


> My wife's online affairs started on myfitnesspal. She was overweight and very depressed about it. She joined mfp and started counting her calories and working out. The weight started coming off and now she is down from 167 to 122 and she is running daily. She is not spending much time with me and our son because after work she drives to the gym or the running trails at a nearby lake. Her goal is to run a 1/2 marathon by fall and a full marathon next spring.
> ______
> 
> I guess the reason she did was because it made her feel good about herself, the attention, that hot muscle men found her desirable, the thrill of secrecy, it was a rush, it triggers a chemical in the brain that creates a high and that high is very addictive.
> ...


This is what triggered the beginning of the end of my marriage, and is all too common.

My ex wife also never liked her body, yet didn't do anything about it. She wasn't very overweight to begin with, but she carried a lot of it in her chest (5'0", petite, with 38DDD breasts...). For her entire life, this is what men looked at and wanted. Not her, her chest.

Halfway through our marriage, she changed careers, to one that was physically active. The weight flew off without her even trying. Everybody around her commented on how great she was looking. This turned to an obsession, running, weights, exercise equipment at home, calorie counting, then the dreaded gym membership.

Her chest is where she lost all the weight first, before anything else. Just melted off. All of a sudden, men were paying attention to her, not her breasts, and she couldn't get enough. First time in her life men were looking beyond a part of her anatomy, and that made her feel good about herself. TOO good, and she couldn't get enough. Her confidence level sky-rocketed, she got hit on left, right and center, and eventually that's all she cared about.

So when she started with her online affair, it was based on the interest she got from a photo she shared (of BOTH of us...) online on a message board. So even online, she couldn't get enough attention based on her new-found confidence. And like most people who post photos of themselves online, it's about showing off. That first one, of the both of us, was us meeting a band we liked, and posting it on their fan club message board. Any other photo she subsequently posted there was just of her. Her tattoo of band-related artwork, or her modified band shirts.

Anyway, point is that when somebody finds a newfound confidence in themselves, they often change. You see this most often in weight-loss, especially if it was inadvertent. There's not a weight-lifter out there who doesn't like to show off his/her body. It becomes an ego thing for many, but also a way to generate positive comments, and thus, self esteem.

So when you go from not thinking you're particularly sexy or attractive to generating comments or getting hit on wherever you go, it becomes addicting.

You're lucky you're doing something about yourself, too. I didn't. I'm not overweight at all, I'm quite average and happy with my body. But my ex wife, in all her gym-rat fogginess, constantly made comments to me about how I should get fit, or start running, work out, etc. Believe me, it had nothing to do with having me share this with her, she didn't want a partner. She wanted a spouse who wasn't "average" looking. And I fully admit, we no longer looked like we were a couple by a certain point, standing side-by-side, and she knew this. Fit people can only be with other fit people, it's a law, apparently. It's also, IMO, a little "club" of sorts, where gym rats and fitness freaks stick together and share the lifestyle with each other. Those of us who don't are outside of the circle.

And yes, the guy she had her affair with and eventually married was a runner and a cycler and exercised daily.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Maricha75 said:


> Yes, they can turn physical. But, I think Rookie's question was about those that remain online, only. He doesn't understand how anyone gets anything out of only that, I think. Online to physical, the concept is easy for him to grasp. But strictly online doesn't make sense to him, and is, I believe, the premise of this thread.


I'm not quite sure how he/she doesn't understand it, though.

Infidelity, IMO, is rarely, rarely about the physical. The vast majority of cheaters want sex, solely for the purpose of getting off. If it gets to sex, it's always more than just the physical pleasure - it's about somebody validating you in that way, WANTING you.

When you're in a relationship or marriage in which your partner no longer desires you quite the way you require OR you don't feel that you want to jump them the way you used to, it's extremely easy to rekindle those feelings for somebody else.

Meeting somebody else who does that for you will allow you to have those feelings again, and it's dangerous. Some people can take a compliment (like being hit on) and move on, feeling good about themselves. Some require more, and more, and more.

Even if it's kept strictly EA, it can fill those (real or imagined) holes one feels in their current relationship. That's all humans really require in life - validation. Some more than others. And some are more than willing to accept it from people outside of their marriage.

My ex wife's validation from me wasn't enough, that much was true. Why? I have no idea. Sometimes it's just built into people, sometimes it's a product of changing how one thinks of themselves. I validated my ex wife all the time, and strived to only ever make her feel good about herself, especially when she didn't. However she required that validation from others, by a certain point, and she received it in spades. Good for her?


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## Slippin (Apr 30, 2016)

Vikings said:


> Yes I have threatened to end the marriage several times, and a few of those where at the totally wrong times. D-day was super bowl Sunday and I threatened divorce for the rest of February. That made her be less transparent because she didn't want me to have "evidence" to use against her in divorce.
> 
> We went camping in March, had great sex in the tent during an afternoon thunderstorm then that night we were snuggling by the campfire and she was being great holding me talking about how she loves me and how great the sex was that afternoon then I turned into a jerk and told her I was still thinking about leaving her.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry but maybe I missed something about your story. What exactly did your wife do? So far, it doesn't seem like she's doing anything wrong. If anything, it seems like you're pushing her away. Now I know I'm probably missing stuff, so I'm sorry. Just trying to understand 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

alexm said:


> I disagree. Cheating, or infidelity, happens the second somebody tells someone who is not their spouse/partner something that should otherwise only ever be said to them. Or does something with them, or even feels a certain way. Online or IRL, it doesn't matter.
> 
> We live in a different age now - one where people seem to think that simply because we're behind a computer screen "it means nothing", "it's not real". Millions of people say things from a keyboard that they'd never walk up to somebody and say in real life - that doesn't make it less real.
> 
> ...


Not sure what you at disagreeing with me or the cheater mentality. I agree that online afrairs are the same offense as physical. That's what I stated


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> So, two people talk to each other, online and beat off? Is that it? Sounds pretty boring and childish to me.


Unless they are used to see if there is mutual attractiveness to get the ball rolling into a RL EA or PA.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Rookie4 said:


> Thanks a lot, Maricha. This is pretty much what I wanted, when I started this thread. I am more interested in the how and why, and have no interest in assigning blame, which seems to be what most posters want to do.


Let's not blame the posters for blaming.
And,please ,let's stay on topic. This is about on line affairs,not blame assignment.
I do not want to have to report you.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

back in the days when i knew my ex. was having (multiple online affairs) over a six month period, i would monitor her texts.

i couldn't read her texts, but i would find out who she was texting. in the midst of one of these affairs, she had hooked up online with some
'bad boy' ex. con auto mechanic (i searched his phone# and did a background check).

what really got to me was the amount of texting. like 30-50 texts per day. 
I never texted a woman more than about 6-8 texts a day, even in the midst of infatuation. 
anything more is just juvenile. and not only that but some of the texts would come in like a machine gun.
I mean like 8 texts in about a minute. how could one possibly have a meaningful relationship like this?

I remember thinking this is like junior high puppy love, except she was 49 y.o at the time.
don't miss that for one minute! 

the point is i think most online affairs are a sign of extreme emotional immaturity.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> back in the days when i knew my ex. was having (multiple online affairs) over a six month period, i would monitor her texts.
> 
> i couldn't read her texts, but i would find out who she was texting. in the midst of one of these affairs, she had hooked up online with some
> 'bad boy' ex. con auto mechanic (i searched his phone# and did a background check).
> ...


This could very well be the case. The whole idea of online affairs does seem very weak and childish , to me.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> back in the days when i knew my ex. was having (multiple online affairs) over a six month period, i would monitor her texts.
> 
> i couldn't read her texts, but i would find out who she was texting. in the midst of one of these affairs, she had hooked up online with some
> 'bad boy' ex. con auto mechanic (i searched his phone# and did a background check).
> ...


Yes, and after the initial pain and shock wears off, one, often, is relieved to be rid of a person who operates on such a low level of functioning.
One of the reasons I knew I could never reconcile is that I had totally lost respect for and was embarrassed by my XW's juvenile behavior. I could never look at her the same way again, knowing how incredibly dumb she is. I would be embarrassed to be associated with such a stupid, juvenile person. Lots and lots of texts and calls etc.
My current GF and I touch base about once a day, when we are separated. Much better.


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