# my loved one hurts my feelings - WHAT SHOULD I DO?



## login (May 6, 2012)

Hi all,

Whatever the reason is - I don't feel secure in our relationships. (6-months old) I always ask my loved one to call me or email me after we see each other. Well, we met today and he did not communicate with me again although we were planning to meet tomorrow morning (not confirmed). I have told him a couple of times, that I worry when I don't hear from him. He says sorry the next day after not communicating with me. He also says that he loves me and cares for me. In other words, he calms me down the next day, but then does it again (not always, but 1 in 3-5 times) and it hurts me again. Due to some constraints, I cannot communicate with him myself, so the best I can do is to wait for him to contact me.

How can I change this? Every time it happens I am thinking that I should be a little bit colder myself the next time he calls, not pick up his calls or not see him for one day. First of all, that's impossible as I melt when I hear his voice and I cannot imagine not seeing him even for one day. Second of all, I want to be open with him and I am not sure if I should use these tricks. I am so deeply in love with him, but I also want him to truly care for me and to respect me.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Thanks.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The only person you can effectively change is yourself. So you need to get some help with your insecurity or learn to accept and understand the situation as it is. Or get out of the relationship... You've expressed your need, and he's apparently either not seeing it as a "need" or doesn't care to meet it. He's showing you how it's going to be in the future. Now you need to decide what you'll do with that information.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and my advice? Start by dealing with your insecurities. That isn't an attribute that helps ANY relationship.

And I am curious to know what "constraints" you have that you can't contact him. I know the first one that popped in my head, but that's likely my cynical mind due to personal experience and too much time in here.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

PBear said:


> Oh, and my advice? Start by dealing with your insecurities. That isn't an attribute that helps ANY relationship.
> 
> And I am curious to know what "constraints" you have that you can't contact him. I know the first one that popped in my head, but that's likely my cynical mind due to personal experience and too much time in here.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Why can't you contact him? Is he married?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

My thoughts are in line with everyone else's... He sounds married, and if that's the case, then you're simply begging to be a masochist. Your insecurities sure can't be soothed by a married guy. 

If you feel insecure, and you want another person to take action to relieve you of what is YOUR problem, and you're doing this on a regular basis, then you are asking for relationship trouble. If this has been a recurring thing in your life, I would recommend seeing a counselor or attending a Coda group.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Hmm... makes sense. OP, Is that the constraint you have, or is it something else?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

You cannot change him or your relationship. You gave him all the power. I am thinking you are in your 20's where girls still believe in fairy tales and love that lasts forever, and chivalry is not dead. 

You are already starting play games by punishing him with being cold to him if he doesn't call when you want him to. You need to grow up and get to know yourself before you can be with anyone else. You may have a tendency to fall for guys that you have to badger for attention. Was your father like this to you when you were little? Your mother? 

Your self-esteem is being sapped out of you, and you are letting it happen. Your boyfriend probably has no idea how hurt you are because he is still young and his "buddies" are the most important thing in their lives (besides their video games, porn, and their cars).

Climb down from the tower that you sit in waiting for prince charming to come and move on to someone who wants to call you on his own.

The more you nag or get upset, the more he is going to back away. And this is only after being together 6 months? Imagine your relationship in 20 years?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

like the others have asked, why cant you contact him? is he married?


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## login (May 6, 2012)

Thank you all for the replies. He has his own business and he is usually busy 24/7. Calling him never gets me anywhere. Even when we are together, he gets millions of calls, that he never gets to. This is why I am usually waiting for him to contact me.

----

As for my insecurities - I got it, I will have to deal with them myself

___

We just met for 1 hour yesterday. When he was leaving he said that we would meet today possibly in the morning, but he would call back or email and confirm one way or another. He did not, so I cannot even plan my day. I did not know whether I should wake up earlier to get ready or what. Now it's almost 9am and I am still not sure what's going on. When/if he calls, should I just pretend like nothing happened and agree to meet him today? Should I stop asking him for this attention?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

login said:


> Thank you all for the replies. He has his own business and he is usually busy 24/7. Calling him never gets me anywhere. Even when we are together, he gets millions of calls, that he never gets to. This is why I am usually waiting for him to contact me.
> 
> ----
> 
> ...


this is interesting. what kind of business is it?
have you ever been to his house or spent the night at his house? have you been to his business?

is he really working at midnight?

how did you meet?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Due to some constraints, I cannot communicate with him myself, so the best I can do is to wait for him to contact me.


* One or both of you are married (and NOT to each other)

OR

* One or both of you live at home and your parents do NOT approve of this situation.

If YOU want HONEST ADVICE and HELP, then YOU NEED TO BE HONEST with us?

What is REALLY going on in this relationship? We don't know YOU or HIM, so it's not like WE'RE going to let the 'secret' out! If you're not going to be honest...I, personally, cannot give you any advice!


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## login (May 6, 2012)

Tigger said:


> this is interesting. what kind of business is it?
> have you ever been to his house or spent the night at his house? have you been to his business?
> 
> is he really working at midnight?
> ...


I have been to his house (not the night). We also work together.


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## login (May 6, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *
> 
> If YOU want HONEST ADVICE and HELP, then YOU NEED TO BE HONEST with us?


both of us are married, we work together every day


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## uzername (May 1, 2012)

even a man who runs his own business and works 24/7 will take the time to call the woman he loves. assuming there's nothing else going on (as others above have mentioned), it sounds like he knows he doesn't need to call or email because you'll be waiting at the door like a cute little puppy, ready to run to him and love whatever attention he'll give you. it's not too late to take back some of the power. STOP waiting for him. if he doesn't call - make other plans. don't stop living your life for him! make plans with friends and KEEP those, don't work around whenever he decides to give you a heads up. 

you do sound young and/or inexperienced - is the same true for him? as someone above said, if you want real advice, you need to be open here.


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## uzername (May 1, 2012)

login said:


> both of us are married, we work together every day


uuhh.. ok. please disregard everything i've said.

you would probably benefit from counseling.


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## login (May 6, 2012)

uzername said:


> it sounds like he knows he doesn't need to call or email because you'll be waiting at the door like a cute little puppy, ready to run to him and love whatever attention he'll give you


EXACTLY! I fee exactly like a puppy, but I don't know what to do about it. I am sad when he does not call, but then I miss him so much, that when he does call, I cannot resist, and I am "ready to run to him and love whatever attention he'll give you"

how do I make him realize that it is not the case and that he should treat me differently?


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## login (May 6, 2012)

uzername said:


> you would probably benefit from counseling.


I? him? together? he already went though counseling with his spouse


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Find an unmarried man to date. Then you can have a noncheating partner who will give you the time you want and you wont be a homewrecker

Problem solved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

well since you are both married to other people and cheating i don't really see how this can work out well for you.

have you tried counseling for yourself.


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## uzername (May 1, 2012)

login said:


> I? him? together? he already went though counseling with his spouse


i was referring to you getting counseling, by yourself or possibly with your husband? obviously we don't know the whole story here, but right now it seems like you are upset that your lover doesn't have enough time for you between his work and his wife. is there some reason you aren't seeking a divorce? or at least separated from your husband? sounds like you are trying very hard to not think about what really matters here - and it's not a fling with the boss.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

login:

I'm NOT going to bother telling you that an affair is wrong. You already know this.

I AM going to tell you that this is NOT going to work long-term, hell, it isn't even working short-term.

You two are 6 months into this 'relationship' and he is not taking your calls, rarely calls you himself, doesn't email you, doesn't meet YOUR needs. You are NOT A PRIORITY even within the constraints of the limited time he has available when he is NOT AT WORK and NOT WITH HIS WIFE. You two want different things out of this 'relationship.'

I would venture to guess that when you two get together it is for hot, unbridled sex. Not going to dinner, not discussing life, not sharing activities/hobbies (you two don't DARE to be seen together in public.) Just holding, kissing, cuddling, sex, 'I love you's', etc. Am I right?

YOU are looking for a RELATIONSHIP which, by the way, is NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. He is with his wife, they have been to counseling, he is trying to hide this affair from his wife (I'll bet you're not the FIRST affair he's had...otherwise, why the previous counseling?), he is afraid of losing 1/2 his business and both his b*lls in a nasty, ugly divorce!

HE is looking for sex. He's not looking for a RELATIONSHIP (he's already in one.)

One of you wants a relationship. One of you just wants sex. You're not even on the same page. HE is getting HIS needs met (all he wants is sex.) YOU are NOT getting YOUR needs met (you want a relationship.)

Try reading _He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys_ by Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo. It is a guy explaining guy-speak and guy-behavior to women. You can probably find it for FREE at your library. I think once you read through it, you'll find he shows ALL the signs of not really being 'that into you' (according to guy-speak and guy-behavior.)

Once you understand/accept the REALITY of your situation, you can decide what to do. Stay in the affair for the (I'm assuming) great sex and THAT'S ALL...or move on.


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## NeedTLC (May 2, 2012)

:iagree:

Well said.


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## login (May 6, 2012)

he told his wife that he loves me, he wanted to leave, so they are in the process of selling the house. His only concern is his two children. Although, they know about us too. 

We do share hobbies and interests. We do talk about our lives and he is my best friend. He knows about me more than anyone else. The same applies to me. 

We did not have sex for a couple of months into our 'relationship'. Even that was my "idea". HE was hesitating for a while until it happened. 

I know that "cheating" or being in relationships with a married man is generally accepted to be a bad thing. but we are happy together. we gave vows to other people, but we did not know each other at the moment. Now, when we met each other, we realized that we are made for each other. Is it possible? Obviously, I am confused.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> login:
> 
> I'm NOT going to bother telling you that an affair is wrong. You already know this.
> 
> ...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> he told his wife that he loves me


Do you have ANY PROOF (other than his word for it) that he has:

1. told his wife about you?
2. told his wife that he loves you?

If you called his wife on the phone this evening, would she KNOW who you are? Know you are currently meeting up with and having a sexual relationship with her husband? Do people at work know that the two of you are involved? What proof do you have that ANYBODY has any idea about your 'love affair'?



> he wanted to leave, so they are in the process of selling the house


Why hasn't he moved out of his marital home already so he can be with you more of the time? If it is because of MONEY, don't believe that the money situation is going to get better any time soon. Once they split, he will have 1/2 the assets he USED to have (he may have to sell the business or take out a loan to pay his ex-wife for HER portion of the business IF it is a marital asset). Once they split, he will be paying monthly child support for his children. Once they split, he may have to pay his ex-wife monthly spousal support (alimony).



> I feel exactly like a puppy, but I don't know what to do about it. I am sad when he does not call, but then I miss him so much, that when he does call, I cannot resist, and I am "ready to run to him and love whatever attention he'll give you" how do I make him realize that it is not the case and that he should treat me differently?


You cannot control how he acts. You can only control how YOU react to his behavior. He can treat you any way he wants; you either ACCEPT his treatment, or you do not. You can't MAKE him want to spend more time with you. You can't MAKE him prioritize you to the top of his to-do/want-to-do list. He either wants to spend more time with you and makes the effort to do so, or he does not.

And what have YOU done to end your marriage? Have YOU told your husband about the other man? Have YOU told your husband that you love the other man? Have YOU told your husband that you have met the love of your life? Have YOU made an effort to get a new apartment? Have YOU filed for divorce so you will be free to spend your time and your life with your lover? Or are you waiting for your lover to do ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING? Are you keeping quiet because your husband is your fall-back position in case your lover doesn't get out from under his marital/financial duties any time soon? What steps have you taken to move forward in your life with your lover?


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

login said:


> he told his wife that he loves me, he wanted to leave, so they are in the process of selling the house. His only concern is his two children. Although, they know about us too.
> 
> We do share hobbies and interests. We do talk about our lives and he is my best friend. He knows about me more than anyone else. The same applies to me.
> 
> ...


I think you are being played. You clearly don't seem to be his priority in any way. Have you met his wife and kids? As SlowlyGettingWiser points out, would they know who you are? And what about you? Have you told your husband? Do you plan to file for a divorce? Do you have kids?


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## ZacThomas (Mar 5, 2012)

All you need to do is to remove your insecurities. There is no space for insecurities in any relationship. Just have complete faith on your loved one then only your relationship can go on smoothly. Thanks.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Sorry, ZacThomas, but I'm confused!?!

The 'complete faith' in her loved one....would that 'loved one' be the husband on whom she's currently cheating? or the married lover with whom she's having an affair?

Don't see how this advice applies. And, BTW, should OP's husband just have 'complete faith' in his cheating wife?


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