# Married, but with THE ex girlfriend back on the scene.



## Man of Mystery

I'm in a very, very difficult situation, one that's causing me a lot of anguish and stress. Here goes...

I'm married with two young children. We have our ups and downs like most normal couples, but the bickering is a bit too frequent and petty for my liking, and it gets me down. We've also had some major arguments, and on several occasions we've come very close to splitting up. Sometimes, I wish I'd gone through with it, but I think maybe I've been scared of making the wrong decision. My wife doesn't recognise the bickering as a problem, maybe because she's Latin. Don't get me wrong, when we're not fighting, we get on really well, and our sex life is pretty good.

The thing is, I've never actively wanted to get married or have kids, although I've never been against it either, it's just never been an aim of mine. I feel that I've been persuaded into it by my wife. I have never been 100% sure whether I wanted it, and I feel almost as if I just went along with her wishes to avoid upsetting her, although it may sound stupid. Both our children have arrived by luck, in that we never tried for them, and they came about after the one time. I feel that for the first one, I didn't really think properly about whether I actually wanted a baby (we got married because she was pregnant). For the second, it was a combination of things; thinking it might improve the relationship, so that our first could have a brother or sister, and also because I thought that I'm in the situation I'm in, so I might as well try and make a go of it. 

For the last few years, I've had a sense of not being in control of my life, of not being satisfied, and wondering what the hell I'm doing in the situation I find myself in. Also, due to the fighting, I feel that one day, I'm just going to say enough is enough and finish it.

A short while ago, an ex-girlfriend got in touch with me out of the blue through having found me on the internet (to cut a long story short). She said she was going to be in the country and wanted to meet up (she's foreign as well). I was really happy to hear from her, and looking forward to meeting up. This ex is very special to me. We met a few years before I met my wife had and a short but intense realtionship. She then had to go back to her country, but we kept in touch, I went to visit her, and told me she was making arrangements to come to my country to go to University so we could be together. This all fell though, as her mum wasn't in favour (this girl was 18 at the time). I felt things for this girl that I'd never felt before, and never since, not even with my wife. I wanted to be with her, and I was sure of that. Anyway, fast forward to a few weeks ago.... we met up and got on very well - too well. I stayed with her for three nights (my wife was back home in her country). It was incredible, it just felt so right. I felt the first time round that she was The One, and I feel that now as well. She's gone back home again, but we've kept in touch. She wants to get back together, and so do I.

I've started talking to my wife about the issues and doubts that I have, and we're probably in the process of breaking up, which is very upsetting for both of us. We've been in a good patch for a while now, since the birth of our baby a few months ago, so it's come as a bit of a shock for her. I don't want to tell her about what happened with my ex.

I'm having doubts, again, as to whether I'm doing the right thing. My gut instinct is to finish it and get back with my ex, but I'll hurt a lot of people.

What can you advise, posters? Please help!


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## Amplexor

I won't condemn nor dog pile on you for what you have done. You know the consequences already. What I will tell you is that if you want to give your marriage a fair chance to recover you need to get the Ex out of your life and mind. As long as you have her in it you will never see your wife in the proper light and the chances of reconciliation will be nil. Also it is very possible that the Ex has already jaded your view of *both* your wife and marriage. This is very natural. Remember that even though you may feel she is "the one" how well do you really know her and how will it be different living with her. There's a big difference between a three day roll in the hay and making a life together. My marriage survived my wife's EA and the real improvements in it only occurred after she ended all contact with TOM for good. We are happier now then we have been in years.


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## nice777guy

Tempted to dog pile a bit here.

You complain that you have no control - that your wife somehow pushed you towards marriage - that the kids just "happened" without trying - these were never your "aim."

Marriage - you chose it. You weren't drugged - no shotgun. You said "I do" of your own free will.

Children - if you aren't using protection, then the result is no surprise. If you aren't using protection, I don't care what you call it, then you are "trying" to have kids. Having a child after having unprotected sex isn't any kind of suprise.

Sounds to me like you think of yourself as some kind of victim.

I think you need to own up to your decisions - get the ex out of the picture - and do your best to make this work. Make it your "aim." Take control of your life by taking control of yourself and becoming a dedicated husband and father.

Realistically - maybe set a time limit - like a year. But TRY - really try to make it work. I think you owe it to your wife and kids to live up to your promises.


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## Man of Mystery

Thanks for your replies. Obviously, I said 'I do' but I said it because my wife was pregnant - the proverbial shotgun wedding. Maybe I appear to be a victim because I'm regretting past weaknesses, not being strong enough to finish it when perhaps I shouuld have. If I were happily married, I would only have had a coffee, and that also leads me to question things. At the moment, I don't feel I want to save the marriage.


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## healingme

Simple question: who do you love?


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## Therealbrighteyes

You never wanted to get married or have kids but you did and have two children. 
Your ex girlfriend got in touch with you via the internet and you started a relationship with her. A sexual one. You are married and she knows this.
How exactly do you see this playing out?


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## Man of Mystery

healingme said:


> Simple question: who do you love?


It feels like my ex, but I can't say for sure, especially considering the very valid point that I don't know her nearly as well as my wife. That's not fair to my wife, either, of course.



Brennan said:


> You never wanted to get married or have kids but you did and have two children.
> Your ex girlfriend got in touch with you via the internet and you started a relationship with her. A sexual one. You are married and she knows this.
> How exactly do you see this playing out?


You might be surprised at this, but my ex is _very_ uncomfortable with the situation, obviously not enough to stop it though, I freely admit that. She wants me to take time to clear my head and decide what I want, independently of her, and she's right.


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## nice777guy

You need to understand that your secret life with your 'ex' is a fantasy. If you leave your wife, you will still have 2 kids to deal with. 

Many of the "headaches" of marriage that you deal with today will eventually work themselves into any long-term, committed relationship. You'll get bored, argue over fianances or who should fold the laundry. But right now - with the ex - its all fun and games.

You'll have child custody payments, your current wife could always make the divorce messy, etc., etc.

Can't tell you what to do - except be sure to factor a bit of reality into your decision. The "ex" won't always be nothing but fun and games - and leaving a marriage isn't as simple as packing your stuff and walking out the door.


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## Man of Mystery

Thanks for your reply. I'm well aware of everything you say; my parents split up when I was very young.


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## nice777guy

Man of Mystery said:


> Thanks for your reply. I'm well aware of everything you say; my parents split up when I was very young.


Sorry to hear. My parents made it until my mother passed. I really don't have a good grasp on the impact of divorce. As bad as it seems, I do know a lot of people who grew up just fine in spite of it.

Good luck.


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## moonstars

She feels uncomfortable with the situation... wow... really?

If I were to contact an ex, I'd ask a few questions and if he tells me he's married I probably won't see/ contact him again, especially if he has kids!

Are you sure you can trust this girl to be "faithful" to you even if you get together???
Wouldn't you always wonder what she's up to.


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## Amplexor

moonstars said:


> Are you sure you can trust this girl to be "faithful" to you even if you get together???
> Wouldn't you always wonder what she's up to.


:iagree:

Cheaters tend to be repeaters!!!


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## Man of Mystery

Good point... 

Thanks everyone for your time. I'm going to try and take some time out from everything and see if I can sort my head out.


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## Therealbrighteyes

You are not going to be able to "clear your head". What you are trying to do is decide between the other woman and your wife. 
So you are willing to toss aside your marriage for a woman who looked you up and contacted you, continued contact with you after she knew you were married, spent the weekend cheating with you and you are trying to decide who to be with? I don't mean to sound harsh but if it was meant to be it would have happened. Now you are remembering all the good times from the past and thinking all those things will happen now. They won't. Why? You are married. You have children. You are a cheater. She is a cheater. You have no idea how she really is now. She has no idea how you really are now. Your wife does however and she is still with you.
Your wife deserves a whole lot better than being "picked".


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## Man of Mystery

I have no idea whether it would work out with my ex. I feel attracted to her at the moment, but I'm not trying to decide between her and my wife. What happened has made me question everything, again.


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## moonstars

I think you are confusing the issues or whatever you have with your wife, with the feeling for your ex.
If you've looked through marriage forums enough, you come across so many stories where the walk away spouse feels the other wo/man is the one, as you are looking for an escape into the fantasy from facing the reality.

Trust is based on actions. Talking is just that.
What do you value the most in a relationship?
If trust is important for you, then you know it won't last with the ex, she's shown you a slice of her selfish moral values.

Another important issue here is, if your way of 'solving' a situation is just running away, then it will have consequences... it won't give you the contentment that you seek.

Human beings are funny things, we need some sort of boundaries and responsibilities to feel the sense of belonging.
Grass might be greener on the other side but too much freedom and choices are not necessarily a good thing.

How about communicating to your wife that the arguments are seriously getting to you, and if you can seek a way of having fun together somehow?


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## Man of Mystery

I've spoken to my wife countless times about the fighting and bickering, but she doesn't appear to make any effort to change. I don't know how much of it's down to me, as well. You can't argue on your own. 

She doesn't actually see it as a problem, even though I'm telling her it is. She says it's normal to argue. I then wonder whether I'm over-sensetive... She wants to try counselling, but if she hasn't listened to me trying to reason with her over the years, will she listen to someone else? Maybe... it would be an independent third party.

I didn't go looking for an extra-marital relationship; I've never felt the need. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I've never been that kind of guy. I've never even considered it, but the ex re-appeared, and everything came flooding back. If I'd been happily married, would I have done it? This is what makes me question everything.


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## moonstars

I really wish you the best... I can totally relate to the issue about arguing, it used to be so bad with me and my stbxh as well. I know it's easy to say from the outside.

So what you're doing with your wife doesn't seem to be working... when you argue, what do you argue about? Can you study the pattern a bit? What is she saying? Does she feel overwhelmed with responsibilities at home?

Would you be willing to study the whole situation a bit, try different approach and study her reaction and see what works?

I know it requires so much emotional energy... it's easy to say.

But the key is not about who you end up with, it's about how you approach/ avoid issues when you come up against a wall.

You are a good man Man of Mystery, you are doing your soul searching.
Can you find a way to work smart with your wife? Find a way to share a laugh with her?


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## Man of Mystery

Don't get me wrong, moonstars, the arguing isn't constant, it's just I think it's too much sometimes, and it has occasionally been very intense, so much so that our oldest has stood in between us and shouted at us to stop. Thankfully, that hasn't happed for a long time now, but she still thinks that every time there's a raised voice, we're arguing. It's just occurred to me that maybe she's right.

When we're getting on well, we do have a laugh and enjoy ourselves, which is why I have doubts about what to do and what I really want. And there's the other more fundamental stuff about not really being sure in the first place, and the ex...

I don't remember what the arguments are about, but mostly petty things, everyday stuff. Sometimes the fact that we're arguing over something small and insignificant winds me up even further - not good.

I'm going to head out for a long walk, I think...


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## Derekcolns

healingme said:


> Simple question: who do you love?


This questions seems to be easy but it is always tough when we try to answer them for our self, in these kind of situation.


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## SCmomOf4

That may very well be true, but they can also change.


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## Brioli

DOG PILE:	

I'm sorry, but you should have never married your wife if you didn't feel that she was "the one". That was very unfair to her and now to your children. I empathize with your desires to be with your ex...However...you made a choice when you committed to your marriage and kids (and yes...when you chose to have unprotected sex and make babies...you chose to have kids. She certainly didn't do it by herself)...On the same note, your wife deserves to have someone who truly loves her and respects her. It is obvious you don't, and this girlfriend of yours could have been anywhere sexually, yet, you sleep with her and your wife doesn't know. I hope you used protection. 

If you end up leaving your wife for your ex here is how it's going to play out. Your ex is going to sleep around on you with someone (that's obvious...if you can't see it...I don't know what to tell you), and you ARE going to get sick of her and be right back to square one...looking for something different.

I wish you could see that the best thing that ever happened to you is your wife (whether she is mouthy or not...You knew she was when you committed to her). She has now had YOUR children...she is yours....woman are moldable...Did you ever consider that 'maybe' she bickers because she senses your "true" feelings for her?

No matter what happens…until you find yourself and truly learn what matters in life and what works….you are ALWAYS going to be confused with no sense of direction. It doesn’t truly matter who you are with. Understand?


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