# Why Isn't He Running To Divorce Me?



## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

I don't understand. If you don't want to be married to me, you don't want to be with me then why haven't you filed? You say it is b/c you don't have the money. Please.

My STBXH & I had a civil conversation Sunday discussing some of the issues we had with each other. His temper in arguments, our tit for tat arguments, trust issues, head of household stuff, etc. It was a calm conversation. I asked him if he would consider marriage counseling. He said he didn't know. Didn't want to say yes in case he realized he really didn't want to. Didn't want to say no in case he did want to.

He called a few minutes ago to say that he didn't want to try marriage counseling. I asked why. He didn't know when things went wrong but he didn't think that either one of us would make any changes that would help.

I really tried not to think about this much during the past couple of days in case he said he didn't want to go. I didn't want to get my hopes up. But now that he has said it it still hurts.

I told him there was no reason to drag this out. He needed to file for divorce. He wanted to know why we couldn't go half. I said I didn't want the divorce he did so he should pay for it. I told him that he may need to borrow money from someone since he doesn't have the money to pay for it. I just can't keep going through this day after day and he is not trying to end things by filing. I don't want to file because this isn't what I asked for. 

If you want to be detached from me, move on with your life, then I would think you would be running to the courthouse to get this over with as soon as possible!

I hate this! I hate this so much!


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Do you hate it enough to pay half the filing fee?


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

That's a really good question. 

A part of me would feel like I am once again giving in to him and giving him something he wants. It's his choice so why do I have to help him?

The other side would think that at least the process would be started and it would be over sooner than later.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Yes, you're helping him get out of your life. 

As the BS, I have to pay for a divorce I don't want because of decisions SHE made.

If I may quote a Bronx Tale:

Sonny: What's the matter?

Colagero: This guy Louie Dumps over here, you know, he owes me twenty dollars. It's been two weeks now, and every time he sees me, he keeps dodging me. He's becoming a real pain in the ass, should I crack him one or what? 

Sonny: What have I been telling you, sometimes hurting someone ain't the answer. First of all, is he a friend of yours?

Colagero: No, I don't even like him.

Sonny: You don't even like him. There's your answer right there. Look at it this way, it cost you twenty dollars to get rid of him. Right? He's never gonna bother you again. He's never gonna ask you for money again. He's out of your life for 20 dollars. You got off cheap. Forget about it.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Bitter+Sweet said:


> That's a really good question.
> 
> A part of me would feel like I am once again giving in to him and giving him something he wants. It's his choice so why do I have to help him?
> 
> The other side would think that at least the process would be started and it would be over sooner than later.


You have to decide if you want to control things and follow through and make them happen -- or go along for the ride and let your husband have control.

If you let husband have control -- there is nothing you can do but start to detach and work on the 180 -- 2 things specifcally to help you.


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## kd123 (Jun 18, 2012)

I'm 6 months into a separation and husband still does not know what he wants( he moved out). Told me today he just wants to be happy but he's not sure what that is yet. So what do you do???he told me if I wanted a divorce he'd be ok with my decision. No that's not what I want but this constant roller coaster ride is overwhelming. The constant unhappiness has to end at some point???? But what do you do pull the plug on something that might still be viable???? Still worth saving--- when there is kids involved it just makes it harder because they are not going away"""!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

kd123 said:


> I'm 6 months into a separation and husband still does not know what he wants( he moved out). Told me today he just wants to be happy but he's not sure what that is yet. So what do you do???he told me if I wanted a divorce he'd be ok with my decision. No that's not what I want but this constant roller coaster ride is overwhelming. The constant unhappiness has to end at some point???? But what do you do pull the plug on something that might still be viable???? Still worth saving--- when there is kids involved it just makes it harder because they are not going away"""!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you talk to him every day?


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

augh! i relate to your frustration and pain. we've only been separated for 2 months, but every time he says i don't know i want to slap or shake him. how do they not know? you either want to work on things, or you don't. you either love the other person and want to be with them, or don't. all of his things are still all around me- he only took the bare necessities. the angry part of me thinks it's just the immature coward in them that doesn't want to be the bad guy and end things. the hopeful part of me says if they didn't love us, they would have ended it so just keep praying and having faith. as you said, this sucks, i hate this!


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

the length of a separation doesn't really matter as long as both parties are working on their own separate issues, then at some point and time agree to work on marriage issues...a few months sorting out times isn't all that long...during the sorting out time frame, there should me minimal contact at the most...

Kinda sounds to me like too much contact and not enough "me" time going on...


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## kd123 (Jun 18, 2012)

Yes my husband removes clothing pieces a few at a time. Destroys me as I see more things going out instead of coming in. I asked him this weekend if he wanted me to box up the rest ?? His answer no no I just need a few more shirts??????? The truth is they want it to be over but your right just scared to take the step. I don't know what my husband is doing. He continually tells me he has no "desire" to work on things. Is not in love with me. I'm not the kind of woman he wants me to be so I'm just probably dillusional thinking there's hope. My faith tells me to hang in there. My heart tells me just to keep loving him and if it's over he must be the one to end it. My head tells me to end it and be done and move on.. My first therapy session was today and I told her that I can't be mean its just not who I am and she told me just be true to yourself. So I think that's good advice for now. You will know when your done and have had enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rawrdonstein (Jun 14, 2012)

Separated for six months with too much contact. You have not been separated, you've had a six month fight, and you are losing or have already lost.

Pack his sh!t 

Throw it outside

Go NC

One or both of you will decide with unclouded judgement to file or R


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

my H left me but if I hadn't gone to a solicitor and done literally everything to do with the divorce we'd still be married in 40 years. I even filled out all his paperwork so all he had to do was sign it

I did it three weeks after he left, no f*cking about for months for me - once it was done I accepted it and moved on...

I'm happy to pay for it all, I really don't care - I just want it OVER


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

I think you know why you are not filing. It's not because of the money or that you don't want him to get what he wants. It's because you still secretely hope that something will change and you won't really lose him. I think you still have deep feelings for him and don't want it to end (yet).

I'm sorry for your pain.


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

lisa1975 said:


> I think you know why you are not filing. It's not because of the money or that you don't want him to get what he wants. It's because you still secretely hope that something will change and you won't really lose him. I think you still have deep feelings for him and don't want it to end (yet).
> 
> I'm sorry for your pain.


I can understand why you would say that. But to be honest I am not holding out filing thinking he will come back. If he wanted to go to marriage counseling then that would be one thing and yes I would think about trying to make it work (but he doesn't want to do that).

But this is what HE wanted not me. I don't want him to have the satisfaction of saying that 'she divorced me'. I don't want to be the plaintiff on the divorce papers. I don't want to help him get something he wants by going half on divorce. Call me stubborn but I just don't want to give in to him on this. I want him to man up and take care of his business. 

I have helped him with so many things in our marriage and filing myself would make this hurt even more. If he procrastinates and holds out then I will be forced to make that decision to file but right now today.....I won't, I can't.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

B+S,

I feel ya and can understand where you are coming from in regards to 'they wanted it, so why aren't they doing anything about it'.

The reason is simple and you know it, we did almost everything for them to begin with and now they want that to continue.

Even if they complain that we didn't do enough and that's why they are leaving .. it was still more than what they deserved with how they acted.

My exw is the same way, she has done everything in regards to HER but hasn't really done jack shiet for progressing this process.

Has been a lot of threats, I think I've heard 'lawyer' about 4 or 5 times since this started.

I took the government course .. I told her about it 2 months ago and she has still yet to take it, but now she's talking about going to court .. they will still require her to take the course.

What's she doing? Going out of town for long weekends (with a OM probably), misses work at times and is apartment shopping because she will be out of a home in 2 weeks.

Other than that .. nothing. I've done everything and all she can say about it is complaints.


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