# Newbie needing advice



## Denise_C (Aug 3, 2014)

So I will try and keep my back story as brief as possible. My husband and I have been together 14 years, married 10 and have an 8 year old child. After our child was born I went through some PP depression, developed a thyroid condition which caused major weight gain and non-existent labido, add to that the hormones from the IUD I got and our sex life went from good to terrible. He has many faults too that contributed to our relationship going south - in the past he had problems with gambling, drinking, and general lack of responsibility regarding our household, and just not being very loving in general. Fast forward to April of this year and he approached me about wanting to separate - siting our lack of sex life and stating that he felt like we were living as roommates. I asked if he would consider counseling and he agreed. In counseling all of his complaints were about things that happened YEARS ago. Needless to say counseling didn't work out. 
He has told me he's moving out - leaving all furniture, and bank accounts intact. I think this is very generous and have no complaints about that. Literally taking just his clothes and his x box. I've come to grips with him leaving - What I am wondering is how do I deal with him until he goes? He still puts his laundry in the laundry basket for me to do, he still eats meals I have prepared, I would like my marriage to work but I have done all the work I am going to. During counseling he made NO effort to fix/repair our marriage. I think he's done. I don't want to seem petty but why in the heck should I still be washing his underwear, but I don't want to seem petty as he is being so generous re: household stuff and CS? Also he is moving close to his job which will put him much farther from our home. He says he will still pick up our child from school and come back to my home to get started on homework. Is it wrong that I don't want him hanging around my home when I'm not there? 
By the way - he has repeatedly suggested us staying in one home and living as roommates. As I am the "dumpee" I don't see how I could get any closure with him here, I think the lines would be too blurry. 
Any advice from someone who's been here would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance!!!!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So sorry you are here.
Have you been to an attorney? If he is being truly reasonable perhaps you could mediate a settlement, or a collaborative agreement. Regardless, the two of you need an agreement about the marital money, child support, custody, etc. Often things start out "friendly" only to deteriorate. The sooner there is an agreement the safer everyone will be. And it doesn't prevent an R later on if things change.
I would stop doing his laundry and cooking for him. He has said he no longer wants you as his wife, so stop behaving like one. I would also tell him this. Tell him it is too painful for you and he will have to start making his own arrangements. When is he planning to move out? Have you told your child"
Then read the post it at the top of the forum page about the 180. It is a process to help you detach and heal.


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this.

I can relate on a level as I am also with a H who wants to remain friends after he dumped me. I don't have kids so my pending D will not be as messy as yours but you do need time to move on. I would contact a mediator or lawyer and get the process started as like the poster above said things start off friendly but can become quickly messy. I just recently to my stbex that I can no longer be friends with him and this has made him angry. Luckily we already have a settlement in place so that I am protected through all of this. First and foremost you need to take care of you.


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## Denise_C (Aug 3, 2014)

Thanks - he went and saw an attorney and apparently in our state you need to take a parenting class before divorce - so when i asked him when we could take it he asked "why the rush?". 
How do I stop doing nice things for him (cooking and laundry) when he has been so amenable about everything. He's leaving the entire house intact - all furniture, tv's, washer and dryer, etc., we both work so I have my 401K and he has his own retirement so we will keep our respective funds, he is leaving the savings account for me and offering me more than a child support calculator says he should pay. 
Our child overheard a conversation so we had to tell sooner than I would have liked but overall is doing fine. 
When I asked when he planned to move he asked again if I would reconsider all of us staying in the house and when I said no he kind of jokingly said 12 months? 6 months? then when I said no way he said the 15th which i think means the 15th of this month but I don't see how he could possibly get his crap together enough to move by then.
Would an agreement written and signed by both of us regarding CS and visitation hold water until we get a formal divorce?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

If he could so quickly say he'd be out by the 15th, it sounds as though he's had this in the works for some time. Maybe he already has a place. Would it matter to you if he's already seeing someone, or are you done?
A valid agreement is binding before a divorce decree. But you really need to check with an attorney concerning the requirements in your jurisdiction.

And you stop taking care of him. He is leaving the marriage and the loss of your services is part of what he is losing. It is completely unfair of him to expect you to continue. That is why the 180 works, it helps make you stronger and allows you to disengage from the relationship. But he can't say he's out, and then expect everything to remain the same.


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