# Dishonesty and my husband's addictions



## Hachi

Hi,
I got married to my husband 4 months ago. Two weeks after our wedding, I came to know that he has been dishonest with me. When we had started dating, he was two timing. He was having an affair with a married woman. I spoke to my husband about it and he said he was sorry and he was in the process of ending that relationship and he didn't tell me about it because he didn't want to lose me. 
The same week, I found out that my husband had his ex girlfriends nude pictures saved on his computer. I checked the date that was last accessed and I noticed it was accessed the day we got engaged. I was extremely upset. He looked at those pictures on the day that we got engaged and still decided to keep it! I cried and told him about it and he told me he doesn't remember doing that. He apologized, asked me for one more chance and deleted those pictures from his computer. By then I lost my trust in him and I still believe that he has copies of those pictures somewhere.
Thats not all I found out that day. My husband told me before wedding that he deleted all the porn from his computer. I had never asked him to do that but was happy to hear that. But I found out that he had downloaded more and was masturbating watching them exactly two weeks after our wedding. Is this normal? I spoke to him about this as well. He said he was so used to watching porn and was finding it difficult to stop watching them but he will definitely stop it. What bothered me was, why did he lie to me or hid this from me when we both were open about such topics and have had conversations about it in the past?! Now, I believe he has stopped watching porn but I have lost complete trust in him. 
I try not to think about it but these things keep on happening! We used to make love pretty often but after that, I keep on finding him doing something or the other! Now, he is always looking at move stars and talking how hot they look! He talks about them more than me. The other day, I wore a really nice dress to pep up our love life. He said I'm looking really hot but kept sitting in front of the computer. Later, I noticed that he was looking at Summer girls pictures on the internet! 
I don't know what to do. I've spoken to him a lot of times saying that I find it very difficult and I don't find him attractive when he is looking at all the other women in the world and tells me that he finds them hot. I don't feel like making love to him anymore. And I just dont' trust him too... Even after making so much love, I found out he was masturbating. And I just don't trust him with any women anymore. And its just been 4 months since we got married! 
What do I do? please help! I really love him and I dont want to lose him


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## Hachi

Could someone please help me??


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## EleGirl

How long did you date him before you married him?
HOw old are the two of you?

A lot of men use porn. for me it's not a huge issue as long as it does not interfere with our love life and the rest of our life.

Your husband seem to have quite a problem with lying. It seems that he lies when does not even need to.. like lying to you about deleting the photos of his ex. 

I can see why you are having a problem trusting him. Does he lie about all sorts of other things that have nothing to do with women and porn? Or is it all about his sex life?


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## Hachi

EleGirl said:


> How long did you date him before you married him?
> HOw old are the two of you?
> 
> A lot of men use porn. for me it's not a huge issue as long as it does not interfere with our love life and the rest of our life.
> 
> Your husband seem to have quite a problem with lying. It seems that he lies when does not even need to.. like lying to you about deleting the photos of his ex.
> 
> I can see why you are having a problem trusting him. Does he lie about all sorts of other things that have nothing to do with women and porn? Or is it all about his sex life?


Thanks for the response! I dated him for a year. But we've known each other for 5 years. He wanted to get married asap. I wanted more time but he said we've known each other for so long so its going to be fine. I trusted him.. 
I'm 27 and he is 29. 
I was okay with him watching porn. But then he told me he stopped it and i found out that he hadn't. thats what hurt me. 
I believe he doesn't lie to me about anything other than his sex life. 
Can you tell me how I can forgive him? I feel so sad when I remember that he was two timing.. and he;d been lying to me throughout. 
ALso, can you tell me how to stop feeling bad when he is looking at other woman's pictures on the internet and say seh looks hot continuously? I think i'm feeling jealous because of our past.. I'm scared I might lose him.. At the same time he should be the one feeling insecure for everything that he did to me


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## bamaseller

Have more fun with sex with him.. Be lighthearted acting about the porn and watch it with him sometime. Crazy i know.. But watch it, asking questions like "would you like that?" Etc.... Playfully I mean. Don't totally condone it, but just make it more of a fun thing between both of yall where yall both can learn things to do and try.

Now as far as your hot dress.. Don't think that will work. That is your idea of romance and sex. Nice dress.. Leads to an expensive stuffy date which you hope will lead to romantic love making under moonlight or something. That sucks for him. He will WANT to do that after you make him want to do it. But your nice dress has never turned a guy on. Non romantic type sex is the way to get your man to WANT to do that romantic stuff for you. And thats the way to MAKE HIM WANT to desire you more than the porn.

Also, as wrong as the porn and pics of an ex are, they in no way shape or form indicate that he is in love with her/them or would ever take them back! He gets pleasure out of seeing them... or mentally recalling an old situation. 

Can he do all this while loving you? YES! His problem is lying and mentally fornicating, not lack of love for you. Although its hard, you need to separate the two and deal with the problem, not your feelings about it. He will not respond to your poor hurt feelings since they are often misguided. Sorry i know that sounds harsh..


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## Hachi

bamaseller said:


> Have more fun with sex with him.. Be lighthearted acting about the porn and watch it with him sometime. Crazy i know.. But watch it, asking questions like "would you like that?" Etc.... Playfully I mean. Don't totally condone it, but just make it more of a fun thing between both of yall where yall both can learn things to do and try.
> 
> Now as far as your hot dress.. Don't think that will work. That is your idea of romance and sex. Nice dress.. Leads to an expensive stuffy date which you hope will lead to romantic love making under moonlight or something. That sucks for him. He will WANT to do that after you make him want to do it. But your nice dress has never turned a guy on. Non romantic type sex is the way to get your man to WANT to do that romantic stuff for you. And thats the way to MAKE HIM WANT to desire you more than the porn.
> 
> Also, as wrong as the porn and pics of an ex are, they in no way shape or form indicate that he is in love with her/them or would ever take them back! He gets pleasure out of seeing them... or mentally recalling an old situation.
> 
> Can he do all this while loving you? YES! His problem is lying and mentally fornicating, not lack of love for you. Although its hard, you need to separate the two and deal with the problem, not your feelings about it. He will not respond to your poor hurt feelings since they are often misguided. Sorry i know that sounds harsh..



You were harsh but it helped me to look at things differently. Though it was my husband who'd asked me to dress up nicely before he gets back from work, now when i think about it, i feel i shouldn't even care about what happened. I know what to expect from him and I guess i just have to deal with it. I'd told him clearly that I don't have any problem with him watching porn and he said he doesn't want to watch it anymore, and still if he wants to hide and watch it, I guess I just need to deal with that as well. And about him looking at his ex naked pictures, like what you said, i'll think about it as he's trying to recollect some memories.. but I would like to ask you, how would any guy feel if his wife is looking at her ex's naked pictures? Would you be fine with her recollecting any old memories? How would that make you feel? Especially when its her who hurried you into the marriage..
I would take your advice and just think that he's only lying and mentally fornicating And believe that he loves me
Thanks!


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## zachelle

G'Day bamaseller; dear lady, I feel for you. I want you from this moment on to stop feeling ugly and unattractive, unsexly. I do not want you to let anyone have that sort of hold over you. I want you to learn to do the things that make you feel sexy ... without him. I have had similar experiences, and for my own very strong reasons, choose to stay every day. I am hoping more practice will make it easier on me, and I try to remain mindful that I fill my own needs.

I have been helped greatly by a presentation about porn addiction. I now understand that it is an illness, like many others, and if I were perfect I would be more judgemental I guess, and dump this one. But I am not. Understanding that it is an illness helps. 
http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series 

I also try to stay positive and present when I am around him. Inside I feel sad and angry and cheated on. I do not want to build a future with a man who after heartfelt promises and major file deletion - cannot last two weeks without arosal from downloading and looking at pics of the ex (from over five years ago). Yet here I am. Feeling like the biggest self sell out that ever existed. 

I decided with great conviction and zeal to set about having fun. Where-ever else my man's attention may be, is none of my business.....


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