# Can you recover from pursuer-distancer?



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Hi Everybody - our marriage counselor has recently identified the pursuer-distancer pattern in the relationship I have with my DH. (I am the pursuer both emotionally and sexually.) Have you identified this pattern in your relationship and were you able to recover from it? If so, how?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes you can recover from this. I sought counseling to figure out WHY I was so needy to pursue my husband as he distanced himself from me. Found out I have separation anxiety and fear of abandonment. I was also highly codependent as I believed my happiness lied within him. It doesn't. 

I healed myself and therefore no longer desire to pursue him as he runs away. LOL I gave him space to be free and as a result we are more balanced.

My best advice on this is to look at your marriage as a rubber band. If he moves away YOU move away. If he moves close YOU move close. Do the opposite of what you'd normally do until you reset this dynamic.


----------



## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> ...
> I healed myself and therefore no longer desire to pursue him as he runs away. LOL I gave him space to be free and as a result we are more balanced.
> 
> My best advice on this is to look at your marriage as a rubber band. *If he moves away YOU move away. If he moves close YOU move close.*
> ...



Mavash
Thanks for sharing - this is most interesting. My only concern is that the above could lead to one person then always being the proactive one, and the other always the reacrtive one. Is this a valid concern in your opinion/in practise I wonder?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Everyone needs their space. I used to be so bad that if my husband wanted to go to the big box hardware store I'd cling. If he wanted to work in the garage I'd get upset. And yes I was the proactive one in the marriage in regards to many things.

As long as I pursued and did all the work we were unhealthy. The way to stop this dance is to well stop doing it.

Easier said than done I know.

These days we have a healthy balance of togetherness and separateness. We also have a healthy balance of carrying the relationship load. We are BOTH proactive now. We are BOTH committed to having an awesome marriage.

But before this could happen I had to learn to step back and give him the space to step up. Make sense?


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I'm assuming that you making changes prompted him to make changes? Because if you move away when he moves away and he takes it as permission to never be there, you moving away didn't work to create the togetherness you were wanting to create, right? Me giving him space doesn't seem to make him want to get closer to me - it's just a relief and permission for him to stay distant.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> Me giving him space doesn't seem to make him want to get closer to me - it's just a relief and permission for him to stay distant.


How long have you given him space vs how long you've been clingy?


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

That totally makes sense, and yet, I wonder the same thing now that I thought when I read Mars and Venus - how come we have to bend to his needs? How come the frequency and quality of our togetherness gets to be dictated by him? It doesn't seem fair and truthfully, I'm in a relationship where I don't have the amount or frequency of togetherness that I want or think of as necessary to maintain a relationship. How come I must settle for that and take whatever measley bits he's willing to give?


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Distancers aren't distancers because they have a project they're working on and don't wish to be disturbed, they are distancers because they are afraid of intimacy in general. That is different than just needing some time to yourself.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

And if they are afraid of intimacy that means they will run from it even more.

All the more reason to let them go. Teach them that's it's 'safe' to get close to you.

Ever watch the movie the horse whisperer? He WAITS for the damaged horse to come to him he does not chase it. 

Chasing someone who is afraid will always backfire.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm well versed in Mars and Venus, having been a participant and moderator on their messageboards for 8 years now. MV is not "all about the man", or "women bending to mens needs". Not at all.

It simply explains the differences between men and women, how we are wired differently and lists the primary needs of both men and women. 

It's all about how we can understand and communicate with each other better. It really works.

What you're referring to above, when a man goes off and does his own thing, is called "caving". It's when he just needs some time on his own, either to decompress or to solve a problem. It's a perfectly natural need.

A lot of women misunderstand this and tell themselves "oh he's caving" when they've not heard from their partner for a month. No, he's not caving, he's an ar sehole.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Yes you can recover from this. I sought counseling to figure out WHY I was so needy to pursue my husband as he distanced himself from me. Found out I have separation anxiety and fear of abandonment. I was also highly codependent as I believed my happiness lied within him. It doesn't.
> 
> I healed myself and therefore no longer desire to pursue him as he runs away. LOL I gave him space to be free and as a result we are more balanced.
> 
> My best advice on this is to look at your marriage as a rubber band. If he moves away YOU move away. If he moves close YOU move close. Do the opposite of what you'd normally do until you reset this dynamic.


That's great advice in any case Mavash. I'm not quite as needy as I was, though still am somewhat (learning). 

It all depends on how you view things, the rubber band is an excellent analogy.

I have been floundering about in the last 6 months since DDay, with some steady progress to fix myself but I still want to engage with my WS. However even today I can see that the fact is she very much likes and wants her space.

She has always been like this and of course since DDay I have interpreted this even more as a sign of rejection. I'll go with the rubber band image.

I should say that based on her previous behavior the distance will be kept - she does not instigate intimacy which is why I have been forced in that sense to pursue.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

frusdil said:


> I'm well versed in Mars and Venus, having been a participant and moderator on their messageboards for 8 years now. MV is not "all about the man", or "women bending to mens needs". Not at all.
> 
> It simply explains the differences between men and women, how we are wired differently and lists the primary needs of both men and women.
> 
> ...


True, in my case as the male I can see that is just what my WS does. However it is so frequent that she is effectively being an ahole under our roof. I have to trust my gut and know that I can't be just a needy freak. She gives up very little.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The sad fact is sometimes when you let people go they don't come back.

This is why most avoid it.

Thing is the answer is still the same. Let them go because at least then you will know the truth about your relationship.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

True, it's awkward though when you are connected by children and finances. There is so much at stake.

I have literally lost sight of what I should or should not expect in a relationship. I am still working on just leaving it alone. 

Every now and then she throws a scrap my way, to keep her hat in the ring it seems. Kind of confusing.

It is easy to be out of kilter in my situation but I'm headed in the right direction


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

frusdil said:


> A lot of women misunderstand this and tell themselves "oh he's caving" when they've not heard from their partner for a month. No, he's not caving, he's an ar sehole.


Yeah -that's where I was going with all this. He isn't just caving.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> The sad fact is sometimes when you let people go they don't come back.
> 
> This is why most avoid it.
> 
> Thing is the answer is still the same. Let them go because at least then you will know the truth about your relationship.


But what does "letting go" look like? If H holes up in his "office" every night after dinner and says maybe 10 words to you all day, how many days of that can be reasonably defined as "caving" vs. avoidance of intimacy and relationship? And if I don't say anything about it and just let it go, aren't I then saying it's okay with me? Aren't I "teaching him how to treat me?" Am I "needy" if I say something to him on day 1 but not "needy" if I say something to him on day 15? 

I'm being slightly facetious here, but the question is a serious one. I can stay in a marriage where the defining characteristic is my H either ignoring or criticizing me and endlessly try and change MYSELF, or, I can realize that I don't like to be ignored and criticized and leave.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

> But what does "letting go" look like?


You stop trying to change him.



> If H holes up in his "office" every night after dinner and says maybe 10 words to you all day, how many days of that can be reasonably defined as "caving" vs. avoidance of intimacy and relationship?


It took me 10 months of letting my husband go before he came out of his 'hole'. Granted he said more to me than 10 words per day but I was DONE trying to get him to do something he himself didn't want to do.



> And if I don't say anything about it and just let it go, aren't I then saying it's okay with me? Aren't I "teaching him how to treat me?" Am I "needy" if I say something to him on day 1 but not "needy" if I say something to him on day 15?


Do you think talking is going to change him?



> I'm being slightly facetious here, but the question is a serious one. I can stay in a marriage where the defining characteristic is my H either ignoring or criticizing me and endlessly try and change MYSELF, or, I can realize that I don't like to be ignored and criticized and leave.


True. We all have our limits. It's up to you to decide where yours is. I had 19 years in when I figured this out so letting him go for a year or so was nothing in the bigger picture. I got on with my life while still being married and I set him free.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> True. We all have our limits. It's up to you to decide where yours is. I had 19 years in when I figured this out so letting him go for a year or so was nothing in the bigger picture. I got on with my life while still being married and I set him free.


So, what did the year of letting him go look like for you? Sounds like you didn't ask him to do anything around the house or to do anything with you. I'm assuming there was no sex?


----------

