# Dealing with husband's sexual experience when wife had none at all



## ratri (May 30, 2009)

I recently got married to my husband, someone with totally different background than me in nationality, culture, way of life and religion. He surprised me with a proposal last year saying that I was his first and only love. That I was the only person he ever said the word love to though he had dated a lot of other girls. And that the only thing he ever wanted was to be with me and to make me happy.

After several traumatic break-ups in the past, I was really touched to know someone can really love me that much despite the lack of time that we ever really spent time together. So I decided to said yes to his proposal and thought I can just deal with all the differences issues later on. 

I was a virgin until my wedding day due to religious reason. My husband told me (before the wedding) that he had done sex with some women and I would not be his first. I said to him, at that time, that it will not be a problem since I kinda expected that from someone who is European and agnostic.

We talked about sex a lot before the wedding as his way to make me get used to the idea of having sex. I was shy at first but started to enjoy it later on. He also shared his experience with me, about what kind of position that he thinks is best for sex, what he did to the exes, and all other things without any intention to boast around, he just wanted me to know that he knows enough about sex, he knows women well and how to pleasure them, and therefore I should not be afraid about sex, particularly if I was about to do it with him.

Well, he didn't touch me on our wedding night because we were both too tired from the ceremony and celebration. We only started to have sex on our 3rd day of the honeymoon but without any success because I was in so much pain when he tried to penetrate. When he finally succeeded, it took me probably a month until I started to enjoy sex but without any luck of getting orgasm until now (five months of marriage already).

After the honeymoon, he needed to go back to his study, which I have to admit is very demanding, and resulted in less frequency of sex (2 times/ week). It's just that, since we talked so much about sex before the wedding, I got the impression that we will do it everyday or even several times a day, at least during the first few months of our marriage life.

Most of my friends in my country keep their virginity until the wedding (be it a woman or a man), so after the wedding, they would be humping like bunnies almost all the time. I guess it's the kind of reaction you have when you are very new and excited about sex. I am kinda sad that my husband doesn't feel like that towards me while on the other hand, I feel like I am always ready for sex and even dreaming about doing it three times a day.

My husband said that his excitement to sex has worn out a bit since he's been doing it for 5 years. He used to be like that with his exes, but not anymore now with me, especially since we live together 24/7, he feels like he can get sex anytime he wants it, and it kinda takes his excitement away (he never lived together with his exes and usually only met the gf on weekends). I was really jealous when I heard this. How come he was able to get "that" up three or four times a day for his exes, but not for me? Am I not sexy enough for him? 

I became more disappointed when on the third month of our life together I found his chat log with one of his ex. It started with the ex feeling down and my husband tried to cheer her up by saying that she should not feel that way because to him she was a great woman, in fact the best sex partner my husband ever had. And there they started to reminisce about their great sex life, all their favorite position, their kinky games, the best orgasm they ever had and so on.

There were also some comparison about how this ex have better boobs than mine, better curves, and how it was always a great experience to see her getting her multiple orgasm. At the end of their conversation there was this detailed discussion about the ex's boobs and how my husband tried to seduce her to show them to him via webcam. I never know if she decided to flash the boobs or not though I know both of them put the webcam on. Husband said to me later on that there was never a button opened during that conversation both from his or her side. But I don't really believe it.

I was mad, confused, disgusted, crushed, and sad when I read that chatlog. I talked to him about that, and my husband said that he was deeply sorry and promise me that he will never do that again. And that he loves me, and that he never loved the ex, and how their relationship was based on sex only.

On that night, I was happy to hear his apology. I felt better to know that he loves me, and never the ex.

But then happiness started to wear off quite soon and I began to feel mad again. I am now jealous to all my husband's exes. I dont trust my husband like I used to, and always feel insecure because I always wonder if he is satisfied with our sex life or if he has any regret marrying me.

Actually, the sex got better after that episode. Though I still don't get my orgasm, but I enjoy it more with time. Husband seemed to get better and better orgasm with me and that makes me happy.

But I still can not stop worrying that he still has his ex or any other girl in his mind. That he is still comparing me with some one else. That though he said our sexlife has turned to be really great now, I still think that he was just saying that to make me happy. I mean...what kind of man would forget a woman with tremendous boobs, great hip movement when she was on top, and the screaming of joy when she had her mutliple orgasm?

All these thoughts are killing me, and I really hate it that I don't have anything to get back to my husband. I wish, I really wish that I had too experience with other guys, better guys that he can be jelous about. 

I know that due to my religious belief, I am pretty sure I will never have sex with anyone than my husband. But I can not trust my husband will do the same thing for me. I know that in the past he cheated his gf several times, I know he slept with some girl he just met during travelling while the gf was waiting patiently in his home country. I know he hugged, kissed, made out and even had sex with girls on first dates. I know that he had some one-night stand experience.

Those kind of things are very out-of-this-world to me. Of course I know they happen everywhere in the world (including in my country), but never in my family or in my circle of friends, where most of the people are very religious.

I have to say it's my mistake not to think about it and prepared my self to it before the wedding. But now it's too late for that. I am not prepared to face this kind of problem but I need to find away to fix it. 

I need to stop thinking about my husband's past. I need to stop getting angry about his chat with the ex gf. I need to stop trusting my husband again, to trust his words when he said he's happy with me. To trust him when he said he will never want to have sex with anyone else but me. To trust him that he does enjoy sex very much with me. To trust him that he does really want me sexually. To understand that when he's not having sex with me it doesn't mean he does not want me. To accept that sex 2 times a week are good enough, even for newly weds like us. To stop comparing my sex life with others that always sound to be better than mine. And I need to stop thinking that my husband will cheat on me.

But I don't know how.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I can't even relate to that and staying a virgin until marriage.
I don't even know anyone who was a virgin over the age of 15,
except the rare fat and fugly people in high school.

although noble, isn't reality.

Where I live in the USA, woman re-virginize all the time  so 
its not a big deal.
so glad I live in the USA !


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## ratri (May 30, 2009)

Wow, now I feel I wrote on the wrong forum. It's just that I tried to find consolation my country local marriage forums, but I guess it's the mentality of our people to "accept and forgive and pray to God". Almost everybody telling me that I just have to forgive my husband and both prayers and time will heal my pain. I refuse to just wait around until I am healed. I want some more actionable plan that I can do to make myself feel better.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you don't say whether you've tried these approaches, if you have, then just disregard.

you have to have a very open discussion with your husband and detail to him how you feel.

he needs to know it's his responsibility to earn your trust back again. he's the one who broke trust, he has to fix it.

you might also consider a compromise about the frequency of sex. remember, marriage is often a negotiation. ask your husband what you can do to..encourage him more. i don't mean to suggest that his frequent lack of interest is your fault, but it is your shared problem.

you mention some crazy hip action your husband spoke of...tell him you want to practice that. a lot.


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## ratri (May 30, 2009)

may I know if that kind of talk that my husband had with the ex gf can be considered as cheating?

Husband always said that it is not and that I am a little bit overreacted probably because I have a very different view about sex than him. Not to say that he is not sorry for what he did, because he is, he even cried and begged me not to leave him. It was the only time I ever saw him crying though I have known him for 5 years.

But as he said, maybe we have some discrepancies here when it comes to sex due to our different culture, upbringing and belliefs. I see non-marital sex as a big NO while in his view it is very normal. Therefore I see this "sex chat" is comparable to cheating while to my husband it was a "slip-out" though is quite big but supposedly forgiveable.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I'm just not getting this...how can you marry and not have sex??? You're supposed to be going at it like bunny rabbits!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

there are conservatively several threads on this site that address the topic of online cheating. you'd be well served by reading them.

if you and your husband did not agree before marriage that it was ok for either party to have an intimate conversation with another online, then i'd have to say yes it's cheating and detrimental to your marriage.

it is true that one culture may tolerate cheating more or less than another. but that's not germaine to your situation insofar as both yours and your husband's culture consider cheating wrong. your husband is just arguing degrees of wrong probably to ameliorate the problem.

as i said previously, your husband has broken trust and it is up to him to fix it.

if you and your husband continue an open dialogue, you will find happiness.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ratri said:


> I want some more actionable plan that I can do to make myself feel better.


This is a very sad story. Your husband has betrayed you, and under many religions he would be deemed unworthy of you.




ratri said:


> I need to stop thinking about my husband's past. I need to stop getting angry about his chat with the ex gf. I need to stop trusting my husband again, to trust his words when he said he's happy with me. To trust him when he said he will never want to have sex with anyone else but me. To trust him that he does enjoy sex very much with me. To trust him that he does really want me sexually. To understand that when he's not having sex with me it doesn't mean he does not want me. To accept that sex 2 times a week are good enough, even for newly weds like us. To stop comparing my sex life with others that always sound to be better than mine. And I need to stop thinking that my husband will cheat on me.


What you are saying here is that for religious reasons, you are looking for a convincing way to lie to yourself. I'm sorry, but I don't think it can be done.

Perhaps, if your husband thought he might lose you, he might be willing to do what it takes, but it would take a huge helping of remorse on his part, to give up his deceitful ways.

As for the amount of sex he gives you... if you can convince him to practice semen retention he would want sex twice a day. I practice this, and I could never go back to normal sex. Maybe if he wants to make it up to you he will consider it. Here is a link: Semen Retention

I am 42 and I am not exaggerating when I tell you that last year when we had the time my wife and I were at it 3 times a day for up to 4 hours a day. Nothing else got done


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## ratri (May 30, 2009)

TO DCRIM: 
I guess you got it wrong. 
We do have sex, but probably not as much (and as hot) as I imagine it would be. 

It's my husband's past sexual exp that got on my nerves. From what he told me he used to be so much into sex with his exes and probably did some wild/ crazy stuff with them, but not with me now. And that makes me jealous. And things got worse when I found out he had some kind of a "sex-chat" with one of his ex.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

As I hinted at above, this is not even about the fact that he has had more experience than you. It's about his lack of respect for you. He has failed to honour you in several ways. I hope you are a strong person, and fulfil your destiny with dignity.

A husband who assumes you will never leave him no mater what, *is a lazy husband.* I do hope you don't intend to let him go on thinking that - even if it's true.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sorry, Ratri...I guess I didn't realize that. 

I'm sorry for the lack of action! He should bring his (arguably considerable) talents to your bed! 

His goal should be to make you have wonderful orgasms!

He shouldn't be having any contact with any of his exs! You should be the focus of his life now. Period.


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## ratri (May 30, 2009)

Thanks for all the response. At least now I feel better to know that I am not at fault to feel so depressed. Previously I kept thinking that maybe this is not really a big deal and I should not think too much about it. I thought it's just me and my (either asian or islamic) views that make thing seems worse that it actually is. 

At least now I can feel that the world is on my side.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

We're all here for you, girl. 

We're here because we have problems, too. We can only support each other.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I have several points:

1. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad because of your culture or religion. It's okay to be a virgin at your wedding day. It is also okay to have different level of experience from your husband.

2. Having sex chat or any connections with an ex is unacceptable. If you are uncomfortable with it, then he should respect your wishes.

3. How is the marriage otherwise, not considering the sex issue? It almost sounded like you reluctantly married him. 

Well, just some thoughts I had. Good luck.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

How can religion even be brought into this ? 
If he was truely a relgious man, Wasn't he supposed to be a virgin too ?
and to top it off he brags of his sexual conquests?
Thats just sick.

See now, this religious thing causes so many problems.

Where I live and the time I lived in 60's through now... I'm serious to say I do not know of any virgins. Maybe thats a good thing too as sex can get way over rated and misunderstood.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I an see how you can be upset with your husband because his behavior is ompletely different than yours. preso I was 17 when I lost my virginity and it was to a super plus tampon when I wasn't even on my period. ouch. My virginity went to someone I love ...me.

Your husband is acting innapropriately and you gave him your virginity which is the best gift you could ever give and he is disrespecting that. I understand why you would feel angry and jealous. Comparing you to other women is wrong. Perhaps there is a sex counselor in your neighborhood or get a book that is for couples only.

Female orgasms happen when you are relaxed and more aware of your reaction, you are fairly new to the ex game but if you think abut sex all the time then perhaps go tot the sex store and talk to aother woman who works there to help you. There are plenty of toys out there to help you achieve orgasm by yourself.

I hope my post helps you.


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## mlc6633 (Jun 10, 2009)

I understand where your comming from with the sex partners. I've only had 2 one with my first love who I thought I would marry and hope to some day marry him and the second one with my husband now. With my ex I had such great sex! I loved it!!!! I enjoyed having sex with him and never felt like a chore. Now with my husband I dread having sex. I can't stand it when I know he wants it. I have neve had an orgasm with my husband and he is all about getting his part of sex.
I recently caught him on the internet taking pic of him self naked on the web cam and pics of other women. Lets just say I am not happy with him at all. I wanted to end our marriage right then. He wants to go see someone. So for the sake of our marriage I will go see someone with him but if things don't change and I don't start feeling better about our relationship then he will be gone.

I think that what he did was cheating and not OK at all but if you want to forgive him and work on your marriage then thats what is best for you. I think that its wonderful that you waited to have sex until you got married!!! Good for you. I kinda wish that I had sex with more people before I got married so I would have the experience also.


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