# Men..What made you go back?



## Sa55ycla55y

I always struggle with what men think just as men say they don't know how women think. I am curious for the men out there that decided to file for separation/divorce and are now reconciling what made you come back? What was "that" moment where you were willing to try and put the effort in but you weren't when you left? Did she say something, get a new man, threaten, etc? Did you go back for pity, or guilt, or did you just all of a sudden snap into it?


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## Onthefenc

Well, i never filed or legally separated, but i had an affair and was convinced i was going to leave for my gf. Well, not exactly for her. For me. For the new life i never got to have. One thing i can say about that episode in my life is that it made me admit some things to myself and accept them. Im a selfish person. It is what it is. Im shallow. I accept it. Im not interested in some of the things my wife routinely scheduled us for. Church. Not really interested. I dont like anyone telling me how i spend my money as long as the bills get paid. If i drop 12 bucks for lunch, i dont need the money police asking me about it. Anyway

What made me come back? Alot of really good reasons. The thought of my wife not being there. We have literally become adults together. And she has always been loyal. Even when i was nothing. Kids. My kids are still impressionable and even more so 3 years ago when all this happened. I know my wife, she would move back home, a 12 hour drive from where we are. I would never see my kids. Guilt. Guilt Over the affair, guilt over being the cause of the separation. Guilt from family and friends, i could basically never go home again. Finally, financial reasons. I would pretty much get raped in a divorce. 

Im currently having the same feelings of suffocation like before. Im going to suggest mc. 

Im not perfect. So everyone can save their judgement. Im just offering the op insight. 

But i can honestly say reading everyone elses stories on this board, especially the ones in the divorce and separation section, make me realize how i dont want to be in that position. The desperation in some of the posts make me feel for them.


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## Dewayne76

Sounds like you started getting wiser, however I didn't see one thing about "Because I love her"

Makes me wonder, do you? Not saying you should leave if you don't, but makes me think you should've thought about all that before having kids. Once you start a family and bring kids into it, it's no longer about you. It's about them. 

There's a lot of people on this board that are quick to tell others to "Leave them" and forget them. Why? because they messed up? A lot of folks giving this advice here make me sick, tbh. I left this site because I was starting to see the trend. Sure, most marriages don't make it, but that's no reason to tell others to throw their vows away without trying to work on it. 

Sassy, if I had left, I would like to think I'd have gone back because I realized I loved my wife / ex. Because I want to provide a good family for my daughter. A solid family, not some patched up piece of trash that leaves her having to split holidays and birthdays. But one where she can be proud to have when she grows up. 

I do know a man who went back to his wife. He "woke up" like so many people talk about hoping their partners / ex's would do. He realized he was being stupid and selfish. If it makes a difference, he started Lexapro, an SSRI Antidepressant 7 months before he left his ex. He's been off over a year. He's now trying to fix things. So this builds up the argument about AD drugs causing dopamine issues in people and end up wrecking their marriages / lives.


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## honcho

A comment on the Lexipro, my stbx quit taking it without telling anyone after years of being on it. Within 6 weeks the wheels came completely off her life, I was the enemy, moved in with another, started drinking heavily and has been on a downward spiral ever since. 

The change in her was like night and day and it all happened so fast. One of the great issues with mental health and medications is they don’t work the same for everyone. I have heard from others about similar reactions that your friend had with lexipro and similar to what happened with my wife when they stopped. 

I wish I had some insight for your actual question regarding what made men come back but I am not on that side of the fence. My only comment that while people have strong opinions on the subject. Everyones life is unique and while many of the stories on this site have similar themes and predictable whats going to happen next from an outsider looking in. What we usually don’t know is the backstory, the life experiences the two have had together. When it was good, how good was it? Things like that. Those experiences I think play a very large role in why men come back or try to come back


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## 1bldaz

Dewayne76 said:


> Sounds like you started getting wiser, however I didn't see one thing about "Because I love her"
> 
> Makes me wonder, do you? Not saying you should leave if you don't, but makes me think you should've thought about all that before having kids. Once you start a family and bring kids into it, it's no longer about you. It's about them.
> 
> There's a lot of people on this board that are quick to tell others to "Leave them" and forget them. Why? because they messed up? A lot of folks giving this advice here make me sick, tbh. I left this site because I was starting to see the trend. Sure, most marriages don't make it, but that's no reason to tell others to throw their vows away without trying to work on it.
> 
> Sassy, if I had left, I would like to think I'd have gone back because I realized I loved my wife / ex. Because I want to provide a good family for my daughter. A solid family, not some patched up piece of trash that leaves her having to split holidays and birthdays. But one where she can be proud to have when she grows up.
> 
> I do know a man who went back to his wife. He "woke up" like so many people talk about hoping their partners / ex's would do. He realized he was being stupid and selfish. If it makes a difference, he started Lexapro, an SSRI Antidepressant 7 months before he left his ex. He's been off over a year. He's now trying to fix things. So this builds up the argument about AD drugs causing dopamine issues in people and end up wrecking their marriages / lives.


So true, 
I don't know anything about the antidepressants but the messages here about leaving makes me sick to my stomach. 
Marriage is a process that encompasses evolution and patience. I see very little of that here and really everywhere today. 
It's all about me, me, me, and what you can get out of something. 
Bull, Its about Working as a team and Wanting to make it work! It is work but you don't quit because its hard? 
I don't get this thought at all. 
You love each other
Do You get a new job, every time a problem comes up? or find a way to deal with something? or get help with an issue you are not able to complete yourself, I don't think so.
Man don't get me started


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## cbnero

I did file D on wife recently, but that was after going to counseling alone for 9 months and after her 2nd IDLY and I am not coming back episode. Come to find out later she was lying to me the whole year about an affair. I say fight for your marriage until you have no cards left to play. I wish mine had worked to save the marriage, especially for our 2 young children. But she didnt. 

I think fighting for your marriage includes exposing any affairs. They may hate you for it but man I wish I had fully exposed my wifes when I originally discovered it. Now the marriage is done and I have given up trying to save it alone. I tried for a year thru lying and gaslighting and just dont have it in me anymore.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## cdbaker

I filed for divorce only because I discovered her in an affair and she outright stated that she was leaving but would return in a few days to get our daughter and take her to move in with her in the new apartment she was getting. (With the affair partner it turned out) It was my only option for legally preventing my daughter from being taken with my wife via an emergency temporary custody order. So my situation is a little different as I never really wanted to leave or get a divorce but felt like I had to. I never intended to even go through with it, just needed to file.

I think it just depends on the situation. If the husband is in an affair, then he is in the affair fog and nothing short of the breakdown of the affair will get him out of it. Once it does breakdown, then he'll often "suddenly" have an epiphany and realize that he was stupid to put his marriage in jeopardy.


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## sms0422

One of my best friends' husband left her 4 years ago for another woman. 3 kids - all under the age of 7 and they just bought their first house! Her husband claimed he didn't love her anymore and this other woman understood him and he was happier with her. My BF went through hell and back these past couple of years as she always wanted her husband back, not to mention the fact they had 3 young children to care for.

After 3 years of being separated, he finally came back on bended knee begging for her to allow him to come back and be a family again. What made him go back? He got the wake up call that the grass wasn't greener. 

My BF and her husband aren't divorced but she isn't willing to take him back although he continues to pledge his love to her and their family. After all the distrust and damage, she has moved on with her life and now he acts like she is the one "ruining" their family as she won't allow him to move back into the family home. 

Sorry buddy - but you chose another woman over your family. That is on YOU! Although I wish they could work out it due to their 3 children, I completely understand my BF not wanting to reconcile now. She waited long enough!


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## MSP

Dewayne76 said:


> Sounds like you started getting wiser, however I didn't see one thing about "Because I love her"


I think the love comes back after committing to work things out, rather than the other way around.


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## Finding Nemo

MSP said:


> I think the love comes back after committing to work things out, rather than the other way around.



:iagree:

I think the love is always there except it gets buried under all of the layers of other crap and it begins to suffocate and will eventually die. It's when those layers start to be peeled away that the love begins to be able to breathe and thrive again.


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