# Update on my situation



## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

Well, my Dad died April 8th. My husband surprised me by reserving 3 hotel rooms (one for us with a jacuzzi tub, one for my sons and one for my daughters - one boy is 21 and one girl is 19). I thought he wanted to spend time with me and make up for his horrible behavior (read my older posts for more info). We got to the room and I decided to get in the tub. He sat on the other side of the room watching tv. I thought, well, okay, when we go to bed maybe he'll show some affection. Nothing. I was very upset. We talked and he told me he just wasn't "into" sex anymore. The next morning, we had a long talk and I finally got him to break down the wall he had built between us. He said, "I love you, I want to be with/married to you, I don't want anyone else", etc. He said life/job/stress has just taken him over and he needed to "learn how to love again". He and I hugged, I balled my eyes out and he was very sweet and supportive through the funeral. I told him we needed to do something drastic to get his stress level down. We agreed we should work toward moving to NC after selling our two houses here, the business etc. and semi-retire. We could pay cash or almost for a house down there and then work (both of us) or start a less stressful business. He said he'd call a realtor when he got home. He was looking at houses with me online and everything. For a week, he was really loving and sweet. He bought me flowers Sunday morning, and 5 minutes later, blew up at me. I told him our daughter was still receiving wrong number calls from these Korean people who've been calling her for about 6 weeks, speaking Korean. They've put english speaking people on the phone who then told them they had a wrong number. My daughter traced one of the numbers to a Korean church (there are 3 numbers so far) and I am thinking maybe her number got in their church directory by mistake. He said, "why haven't you taken care of this? Are you waiting until someone kidnaps her and puts her in a prostitution ring? Maybe wait until someone rapes and murders her before you give a ****?" He went on and on. I HAVE been dealing with this. I'm the ONLY one who has. I had my Korean sister in law dealing with it. Then, Saturday afternoon she got another call. So, I got him involved. I went downstairs to get away from him and cry because I was so devastated that the old him was back. He kept texting me nasty messages and then didn't speak to me the rest of the day. I laid in bed a cried most of the day. We emailed back and forth yesterday and he said "You want to move every 20 mins, you bug me about fixing the yard (where we used to have a pool and he said to get rid of the pool to put in a pond. Now I can't even get him to level the yard and plant grass seed - but I haven't bugged him about it in over a month!) I told him I was leaving him and he called a realtor, so i guess he's okay with us splitting up. Last night he kicked the dog for not walking fast enough. Today he said "I want to move to a farm somewhere". I'm about at the end of my rope. I can't even grieve for my dad because of this BS. I have no way to leave and no way to support myself and the two kids still at home. I've basically thrown my degree in the toilet by being a stay-at-home Mom for the past 20 years. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get on medication for depression. If I don't I'm afraid I will kill myself. I don't think I could ever do that to my kids, but sometimes I can't think rationally. He has worn me down to nothing. i have no self-esteem anymore. After 25 years of putting up with this behavior, if we split up now, it will be all my fault for not being "more careful not to upset him". My kids will resent me and he will be just what he makes himself out to be - the victim!


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

If you split up he still has to support you, it's the law.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

The problem with that is that he uses money as a hostage. If he didn't get his way on something he'd hold the money as long as he can - until he is made to. He'd constantly threaten to stop paying health insurance and much more.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Very Sad said:


> Well, my Dad died April 8th. My husband surprised me by reserving 3 hotel rooms (one for us with a jacuzzi tub, one for my sons and one for my daughters - one boy is 21 and one girl is 19). I thought he wanted to spend time with me and make up for his horrible behavior (read my older posts for more info). We got to the room and I decided to get in the tub. He sat on the other side of the room watching tv. I thought, well, okay, when we go to bed maybe he'll show some affection. Nothing. I was very upset. We talked and he told me he just wasn't "into" sex anymore. The next morning, we had a long talk and I finally got him to break down the wall he had built between us. He said, "I love you, I want to be with/married to you, I don't want anyone else", etc. He said life/job/stress has just taken him over and he needed to "learn how to love again". He and I hugged, I balled my eyes out and he was very sweet and supportive through the funeral. I told him we needed to do something drastic to get his stress level down. We agreed we should work toward moving to NC after selling our two houses here, the business etc. and semi-retire. We could pay cash or almost for a house down there and then work (both of us) or start a less stressful business. He said he'd call a realtor when he got home. He was looking at houses with me online and everything. For a week, he was really loving and sweet. He bought me flowers Sunday morning, and 5 minutes later, blew up at me. I told him our daughter was still receiving wrong number calls from these Korean people who've been calling her for about 6 weeks, speaking Korean. They've put english speaking people on the phone who then told them they had a wrong number. My daughter traced one of the numbers to a Korean church (there are 3 numbers so far) and I am thinking maybe her number got in their church directory by mistake. He said, "why haven't you taken care of this? Are you waiting until someone kidnaps her and puts her in a prostitution ring? Maybe wait until someone rapes and murders her before you give a ****?" He went on and on. I HAVE been dealing with this. I'm the ONLY one who has. I had my Korean sister in law dealing with it. Then, Saturday afternoon she got another call. So, I got him involved. I went downstairs to get away from him and cry because I was so devastated that the old him was back. He kept texting me nasty messages and then didn't speak to me the rest of the day. I laid in bed a cried most of the day. We emailed back and forth yesterday and he said "You want to move every 20 mins, you bug me about fixing the yard (where we used to have a pool and he said to get rid of the pool to put in a pond. Now I can't even get him to level the yard and plant grass seed - but I haven't bugged him about it in over a month!) I told him I was leaving him and he called a realtor, so i guess he's okay with us splitting up. Last night he kicked the dog for not walking fast enough. Today he said "I want to move to a farm somewhere". I'm about at the end of my rope. I can't even grieve for my dad because of this BS. I have no way to leave and no way to support myself and the two kids still at home. I've basically thrown my degree in the toilet by being a stay-at-home Mom for the past 20 years. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get on medication for depression. If I don't I'm afraid I will kill myself. I don't think I could ever do that to my kids, but sometimes I can't think rationally. He has worn me down to nothing. i have no self-esteem anymore. *After 25 years of putting up with this behavior, if we split up now, it will be all my fault for not being "more careful not to upset him". My kids will resent me and he will be just what he makes himself out to be - the victim![/*QUOTE]
> 
> You are not at fault. You are trying to survive in an emotionally abusive relationship. He souns as though he would benefit from counseling. Could he be depressed?
> I lived with a man suffering from depression and much of what you said sounded familiar. It was like walking on eggshells, never knowing what to say or do to be sure you didn't set him off, again. It is exhausting. Good luck with the MD.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

When you go through a divorce there will be the weight of the law on your side to make sure he meets his obligations. Just the same, you will want/need your own source(s) of income.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Very Sad said:


> The problem with that is that he uses money as a hostage. If he didn't get his way on something he'd hold the money as long as he can - until he is made to. He'd constantly threaten to stop paying health insurance and much more.


It's not a problem once the courts say "pay or go to jail".


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## Nicola12 (Apr 1, 2013)

I don't think your kids will resent you. At least not in the long term. I think they will see a woman who is taking a stand and respect you. You will probably be a better mother b/c you are not dealing with all the BS (as you say). 

Perhaps some distance b/w you for a while might help you 'zoom out' and see the big picture?

I'm sorry for your heartbreak.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I also dont think that your kids will resent you, especially given their ages. Let him think its your fault for "upsetting him" if thats what he wants to believe, whatever works to get you out the door and on the track to being happy.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

VerySad, my heart just breaks for you . I have lived this story myself. You deserve to be happy. Your children have to know what's going on. I think you'll find them to be more supportive than you think. Be happy, my friend, and be well.


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