# My fiancee doesn't love me anymore



## rankinsmedic (Jun 18, 2012)

So I was in a bad marriage. I dealt with verbal and physical abuse from my spouse. Eventually, I cheated on her and we split up after I refused to reconcile. I didn't want to continue in a marriage that pushed me to attempt suicide on two separate occasions. She didn't know about my attempts. I fell in love with another woman. I had forgotten what love was, but then I found it in, let's call her Nic. 
Nic and I broke up initially after the affair came to light, but we eventually started dating again. She was in love with me, and I was in love with her. She sent me sweet encouraging text messages and emails. She would do sweet things for me like backrubs and footrubs, etc. She would smile as soon as I walked in the door. She hugged me, kissed me. Said that she was so in love with me. I kept doing the sweet romantic things (flowers, love letters, cards, emails, texts, candlelit dinners, and much more). Over the past few months, she began distancing herself. Even though we live together, she felt like she was miles away. She initally said it was her job. But even after starting a new, more interesting, better paying job, she still continued to distance herself. The actions of love from her stopped. Sex became infrequent. Kisses became extinct. On Valentine's Day, I even asked her to marry me. Neither one of us are ready to be married again, but we wanted to express our committment to the "one" we found after two tumultuous marriages. This past week, Nic broke up with me. She is still living in the house with me while she looks for another place. She said that she wants us to start completely over because we rushed into things. Starting completely over means her getting her own place and us not seeing each other, texting, calling each other. We were together long enough for her kids to fall in love with me and start calling me daddy. She used to say how I was the most amazing man she'd ever met. Now it seems like she's not even interested in me in the slightest. She has had bad relationships all her life, and I was the first guy to ever treat her right. She's acting like this breakup doesn't bother her at all, and I'm left here crying because my best friend doesn't care about how she's hurting me. Starting over to her, means that we are not in a relationship. We are simply "dating." She doesn't seem to see any commitment. I had the opportunity to go home with a girl from a bar the other day and I couldn't do it. I still feel that I am committed to the one I love. She doesn't hug me, she doesn't kiss me, she doesn't act like she cares about me. I've been so stressed that in the past week, I've spent all my time that wasn't spent at work, at a bar. I downed a bottle of sleeping pills when I was severely wasted trying to end it all, only to find that as usual, most medicines don't have an effect on me. I feel like I'm alone in darkness and there's no sunshine breaking through the clouds. She works at the hospital where if something happened to me that I would be taken too. I'm not thinking that I would be happy for her to hurt for the pain that she's caused me, but I don't think if anything happened to me, she would even care. I want to know what happened to the girl who promised she would stick by me no matter what life threw at us. 
She says that she wants us to start over. I'm wondering if she even wants us to work out or if I'm being used. She is living in my house, for which I pay all the bills. She has someone who cares for her and took care of her kids when their deadbeat dad wouldn't. She got a large check from school the other day, 7 thousand to be exact, and after the money was deposited in her bank, that's when she told me she was moving out. 
I'm still in love with her. What do I do?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

First and foremost, stop crying, pleading and begging. This is behavior that many women find weak regardless of what you may have heard

Secondly, be thankful that this has come to light now and not after you were married

Third, I hope you are still attending counseling of some type to discover why you have tendencies to want to hurt yourself when things aren't going right

Please remember that the only one you have control over is you. The only one you can make change is you.

Look up the 180 here and start too implement it right away. It will help you to move on from this relationship

Again, the most important issue here is YOU. You need to work on yourself and get yourself a a better place where you no longer feel the need to hurt yourself. Please take care and know that this hurt will pass and you'll come out stronger and better off in the future if you take car of you!


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Have you ever heard of "the rebound"? You met each other at the times in your life you needed someone very badly, like right after a break up or during a timultuous and dissatisfying relationship. The new person becomes the rebound person, and you feel that person is your savior because that person validates YOU as a person and proves you are capable and worthy of love. You pour yourself into that person completely and project all your love and hope and faith onto that person. As a result, you place too much hope, faith, and love in that relationship. But, it's not real and doesn't last. After a time, you emerge from the fog and realize that person doesn't mean as much to you as you initially thought they did. Your feelings change and begin to wane. This happens because you jumped into the relationship way too soon because it had to serve that savior purpose in your life, but it has to come to an end.

You and your fiance were each others rebound person, and she has now emerged from the fog and realized her feelings were not real. She only thought they were. She didn't use you necessarily. She genuinely tought she was in love. The danger of jumping into a rebound relationship is someone has to get hurt when one person emerges from the fog. It would have been nice if it happened to work out that you both emerged at pretty much the same time, But, now you are going through the breakup and because you feel devastated, you might never emerge from the fog since you have this whole other set of emotions and circumstances to deal with. You have to try to understand this is what happens with rebound relationships. I know it hurts but could not be avoided.

On another note, please get counseling for yourself so you can better deal with your own emotions. Wanting and/or trying to commit suicide is an indication you need someone to talk to and some medication. Emotional instability is very unattractive to a woman and might have had something to do with the decision your fiance has made in addition to her emerging from the fog of the rebound relationship.


----------



## rankinsmedic (Jun 18, 2012)

I just either want her to fall back in love with me, or for me to get over her. I understand it's only been a week, but the pain has been for a few months. I feel like every sweet thing I did, every hour I took care of her kids, every time she was sick and I was there taking care of her, every time I cleaned and cooked, every present, was for nothing. I'm tired of being drunk and depressed so I stopped the drinking. The drinking, no matter how much I drank, wasn't taking my mind off the situation. I will read the 180 part immediately. You're right that I'm giving her control by begging and pleading. I do need to stop that. I can admit that I wasn't in love with my first wife from the start of the relationship. This is the first time I was sure about how I felt. I do not have any family or friends in this area, in any area for the matter, so I turned to the bar where everybody is your friend. I'm starting a gym and better exercise regimen tomorrow to help me try to take my mind off things. I don't like feeling sad, depressed, angry, confused, etc. I want to be happy.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think she was in love with being in an affair, and not in love with you.

She's the OW, and you should know that relationships with affair partners 97% of the time fail when the affair is public and they try to move to a real relationship.

Both partners in the affair where cheaters. they got off on the fantasy of the affair.

She doesn't want the real you. 

You say she has a history of bad relationships with not nice guys. That's the kind of guy she is attracted to. The bad ones - the kind you were when you were cheating. Now your the boring nice guy.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

rankinsmedic said:


> I just either want her to fall back in love with me, or for me to get over her. I understand it's only been a week, but the pain has been for a few months. I feel like every sweet thing I did, every hour I took care of her kids, every time she was sick and I was there taking care of her, every time I cleaned and cooked, every present, was for nothing. I'm tired of being drunk and depressed so I stopped the drinking. The drinking, no matter how much I drank, wasn't taking my mind off the situation. I will read the 180 part immediately. You're right that I'm giving her control by begging and pleading. I do need to stop that. I can admit that I wasn't in love with my first wife from the start of the relationship. This is the first time I was sure about how I felt. I do not have any family or friends in this area, in any area for the matter, so I turned to the bar where everybody is your friend. I'm starting a gym and better exercise regimen tomorrow to help me try to take my mind off things. I don't like feeling sad, depressed, angry, confused, etc. I want to be happy.


Exactly - you've become the very boring super nice guy doing the housework.

She isn't into that guy.

It's very possible she's actually found a new partner and is cheating on you now.


----------



## rankinsmedic (Jun 18, 2012)

Shaggy, as much as that hurts to hear, that's what I was thinking. She was mistreated by every guy in every relationship until I came around. I was worried that she was bored with me when she stopped wanting to go out with me. I enjoyed doing fun things (i.e. bars, clubs, Dave and Busters, movies, hikes, runs, trips), but she wasn't interested in going out with me. Then with this new job, she started hanging out with her friends and going out a couple nights a week, without me.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Exactly - you've become the very boring super nice guy doing the housework.
> 
> She isn't into that guy.
> 
> It's very possible she's actually found a new partner and is cheating on you now.


An old adviser here once told me that no man EVER got more of what he was seeking from his wife by how well he could push a vacuum.


----------



## rankinsmedic (Jun 18, 2012)

Shaggy... you don't sugar-coat much, do you? I appreciate that. She said that there is no one else, but I still wonder. I don't snoop on her because I would hate that if it were done to me. When we first met, I'm sure I was more exciting. I did side-jobs that were dangerous and at times, death-defyingly stupid. She was interested in that badass side of me. Now I've been Mr. Mom for months. I've been raising her kids. I've been an awesome dad, don't get me wrong, the kids have never been treated this well. I guess I always thought that she would appreciate the things I did. She doesn't say thank you. She doesn't act like she gives any thought to any of it. She used to post on Facebook about how sweet and amazing I was. She stopped even liking my statuses. I know that seems stupid and small, but it's the little foxes that spoil the vine.


----------



## rankinsmedic (Jun 18, 2012)

I heard someone say one time if you want to improve your sex life with your wife, start helping out around the house. Well, I did and my sex life actually declined. I didn't complain about doing the housework, I was happy to help thinking that she would be happy with it. You're completely right, Conrad.


----------



## rankinsmedic (Jun 18, 2012)

I guess I feel like a dumbass for trying so hard. I've put everything I am into this relationship, and it wasn't enough. How do I even know I'm going to be good enough for the next one, or the one after that? I've got an uncle who is one of the wealthiest people I know, but he has a slew of failed marriages and relationships. I'm half his age right now, I just don't want to be like him. He picks the wrong woman, and gets his heart broken every time. I want my "one."


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

rank,

She doesn't sound like she's your "one"

She's taking complete advantage of you and I also wonder if she's moved on the some new "bad boy" at work.

Stiop doing all the nice stuff for her. When she tells you she's going out tonight, ask her "Who's going to watch the kids? (HER kids) Tell her you made plans to go out with some friends (be very vague) so you can't.

then GO OUT! Don't necessarily go to a bar but stay away until late (heck, rent a hotel room, watch some movies and eat well) and then show up home at 6 AM!


----------



## rankinsmedic (Jun 18, 2012)

She dropped the kids off with her ex-husband. The same ex who left a black mark in the shape of a hand on her three-year old's face prompting her to file abuse charges on him. She just dropped them off like there wasn't a worry in the world. I told her a few months ago that I really wanted us to get out and go on dates again. She said that she had reached an age where she didn't really feel the need to go out much. She said that when she was with her ex, she wanted to go out everynight because she didn't like being around him. Lo and behold a month ago, she started a new job and found friends really quick. She and her friends were going twice to three times a week, whereas she and I hadn't been out on a date in months. When I brought it up originally, she said, well she didn't feel right about asking her aunt to babysit. When she started going out while I was at work (two, three, four times a week), she didn't seem to have any problems at all dropping the kids off. She then tells me last week that she's so tired of being here. That she feels suffocated because it's always her and the kids. I have been the primary caretaker for months because of her work schedule. I fed, bathed, played with the kids. I did her daughter's hair (which was not an easy thing to do for a guys who never had a daughter). Her son has learning and personality disorders which can make him very irritating, but I was always patient and caring with him. I have backed off the nice things for her. I stopped sending flowers, stopped writing love letters. I'm not mean or cold, but I just don't do the extra work for nothing anymore. I haven't cleaned the house. Haven't fed her dog. I do need to get out more and not just bars. I'm starting a gym tomorrow. I'm off for the next three days and I have to do something. I even have some job interviews for extra work. I'm trying my hardest to stay busy, but my mind always catches up to me.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Reply to original post "What do I do?".

Nothing. Let her walk. She is not the right one for you.
Also, tell her you will not babysit her kids for free anymore.

It was one thing while you two still got out & dated each other.. .but since she is not dating you anymore at all, you do not feel obligated to watch her kids. (Even if you do feel obligated, tell her you don't.)


----------

