# Weary of it all...this is long.



## cyrene (Oct 19, 2011)

I've been married almost 20 years...less that a month to go to my anniversary. The last 12 years have totally sucked...truly awful. 

Our first years were pretty happy. Hubby started to become very jealous, but I always figured he'd settle down in time, he'd come to know I'm a loyal gal. And our son had my total attention...it was so awesome to be his mom (still is). Hubby became more and more controlling.

Hubby started drinking June, 1999, when our kids were 3 and 8 years old. He chose this path, saying, "If you're gonna spend, I'm gonna drink." Yes, I found out the hard way that Zoloft can bring out manic tendencies. (Post-partum depression.) I spent a lot of money then. I'm not bi-polar (checked with a shrink). But hubby couldn't forgive, and within two years he was up to a 12-pk a day. Unfortunately, he turned his back on the kids as well. He was an absolutley involved and wonderful father until then. I felt I deserved to be punished, but the kids deserved better.

In 2002 I was Dx with breast cancer at 37 years old. What a shock...the first in any branch of my family. Hubby continued to drink. I was concerned because of fear of getting sick while on chemo. I could take a cab to the hospital, but who would watch the kids? 

Hubby also continued to smoke. Couldn't believe after my Dx that he would risk the kids' health...or disrespect my life like that (recurrence is 50% higher around 2nd hand smoke). I bought room air cleaners, etc.

Active treatment (chemo, surgeries, radiation) lasted over a year. Then came the drugs I was to take for the next 6 years. I finally finish all treatment July 2009. 

It was really hard. I did my damnedest not to be burden. I only took 5 days off from work, when I had the worst of the chemo treatments. I continued working my 10+ hours a day...sometime while lying on the floor (in home child care). He grocery shopped, cooked dinner and took my older boy to tae kwon do once a week. That's it. That's the only help I requested, and that was all he was willing to do. And he continued to drink and pass out by 7pm everynight.

I've told hubby a couple of times that my spending that money was the best thing that ever happened to him...I did everything for him. I still do everything for him. I also told him that if I had embezzled money and been caught, I would have been to jail, on probation and released in a shorter amount of time than his anger lasted. Really.

The drugs I took to prevent recurrence took a major toll on me. The lack of estrogen...100% starved...changed everthing. My vaginal tissues deteriorated and would tear like tissue paper. I started complaining in 2007 that sex was hurting more and more. Hubby had moved into the family room during treatment because I kicked so bad at night, but we still had an active sex life...at least three times a week. 

But as soon as I started complaining, hubby went weird. He demanded his place in our bed again. I had no problem with him moving back to my bed...but, again, the weirdness. It started out he wouldn't let me go to sleep at night. As soon as I started falling asleep, he'd poke me and say, "are you asleep?" He'd do this half a dozen times a night. Then he added another layer...he wanted sex before I went to sleep. 

I tried to keep up, but kept tearing more and more. I'd hurt for three days after. He finally backed off to twice a week so I'd have one day pain free (ain't he a saint?). But he'd insult me right after, say how unresponsive I was, what a lousey lay I was, etc. And because I didn't want sex anymore, I was obviously having an affair. He refused to believe I was telling the truth, even seeing the blood afterwards. 

Then, Christmas 2008 he got drunk as hell and went off on me for hours. He wouldn't let me have my shoes, coat, keys, purse to I could escape. He'd back me into a corner and just yell, inches from my face. It drove me to a nervous breakdown. Something broke.

Still, for the next year, he kept dogging me. If I said no, he'd keep waking me up, keep brow-beating until I gave in. I was non-stop harassment from Oct 2007 to the middle of 2010. By then I totally loathed sex. Hubby actually started timing sex so I was just about passed out on ambien. Sad to have to rufey your wife! I went from uninhibited to hiding. If I never have sex again, I'll be a happy camper.

Did I mention I'm a homeschooling mom? My now 19 yo never went a day to public or private school. My now 14 yo is special needs and also has never been to school. Homeschooling was a safety issue for me...not religious.

Well, I finally came to the point of total burnout this August. He managed to revisit all the things I hate about his control issues, and worse...Hubby backed my 19yo into the closet, held him by the shoulders and screamed in his face...only a few minutes, but enough to bring back the Christmas incident bigger than life.

I work 50 hour weeks and, if I'm lucky, Hubby "lets" me see my girlfriends maybe six times a year. We get together, have tea, each lunch, yak, and play dominoes. Exciting, huh? for my 200+ hours a month, I'm lucky to get 4 hours of fun...every other month. How does Hubby prevent me from going the other times? He'll start about four days before I go, saying how I don't love him, how I'm not loyal because I want to see my friends instead of him. He browbeats, give the cold shoulder, follows me from room to room giving me grief...for days before and days after. When I did stand up for myself and go anyway...I'd really pay for the next few days.

Well, that's how it went in August, another case of making me pay for days before and days after. 

Hubby also is OCD with where the lube is for sex. He'll tell me to come home and find it if it isn't where he thinks it should be. He's interrupted me at scout meetings and tae kwon do lessons over this. Twice in August he did this. 

The beginning of Sept he knew something was up with me and asked if I'd hired a lawyer...I said no, because I hadn't. We talked everything over...the drinking, smoking, controlling, etc. In the end he decided we need to just be nicer to each other. That's it.

Sometime between all the August crap and the end of Sept I decided to plan for my divorce. I was/am just so tired of it. I can't believe I've tolerated this so long...except I was going through cancer treatment, and homeschooling my sons, and working the day care, and was just so tired, body and soul, and then the nervous breakdown...am I just making excuses for being too weak to leave?

Well, I announced Oct 12 that I was going to file for divorce. I closed all our joint credit card accounts, closed the joint checking and gave him half the money. 

He was totally blown away. Couldn't believe it, says he never saw it coming. He hasn't drank since, hasn't smoked in the house since, has been sleeping in the family room again. Says he'll do anything to keep me, stay away from me as long as I like, even years or forever. He's promising me everything I wanted and prayed for, for all those years. Can he really change?

And if he stays in the other room for the rest of our marriage? Doesn't that just make him a house mate? That isn't a marriage. And how long would he really be okay with my telling him I need space...go to your room? lol Isn't it just drawing it further?

I want nothing more than to be away from him, as I said, he's a major source of anxiety for me. But the part of me that wanted the relationship he's now promising is causing such confussion.

Ideally, I would like him to move out for a few months...let my body come off of high alert. Walking on eggshells a dozen years has taken it's toll. 

If I can't stand to around him...can this marriage be revived? Has anyone reconciled after a physical separation? After sexual, emotional, verbal abuse? I feel like I'll be lying to him to give him any hope...is there hope? I wish I could take away the emotion and see this all clearer.

I thought marrying would be the biggest decision of my life. It wasn't.

He says if I make him move out...well, I guess I better watch my back. He'll fight for the house, our 14 yo, etc. He's suggesting I'm a pill popper, that it would be dangerous for him to leave because I take ambien at night and wouldn't hear the boys if they need me (really?!!) More fighting? So tired of fighting...

Thanks for reading my short novel...I look forward to any responses. Blessings!


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Whew, I don't blame you for being weary. Your story is very different from mine, but there are some similarities. I also tried for a long time to endure a marriage to a self-centered, emotionally abusive man. I finally got out three months ago with our 14 year old daughter. My finances are a constant source of stress, but being away from him and his scrutiny and complaints is such a relief.

My gut instinct is that you should continue with your plans to leave this man. He is shaken and trying to be nice now, but it is to fulfill his own needs, not yours. And he will revert to his old behavior before long. 

You had asked why you had put up with the abuse for so long - were you weak? My therapist gave me a fantastic answer when I asked him the same thing about myself. He told me to quickly, without taking time to think, what my two greatest reasons were for staying and trying to make that horrible marriage work.

I said "Our child, and money". He said those were very valid answers, and to avoid over-pathologizing my reasons for staying. There is no need to hash over stuff like "Am I co-dependent, I must have huge issues, what is wrong with me," etc. You were ill, you children, you needed his money. And, once upon a time, things were good and we long for that old feeling of love and acceptance again.

I wish you well in your future. May it be a bright one!


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## cyrene (Oct 19, 2011)

He's agreed to leave for the weekend so I can think, and I'll definitely use the time for reflection. This will be my first break from him in 19 years. 

After crying a lot, again, and thinking on it all day, I've decided I'll ask him to move out when he gets back. 

I'll offer a separation with the condition that: he moves out; we file for legal separation jointly; we go through mediation; other than legal matters concerning the separation, he lets me be for two months; he gets counseling; and he stays sober. If he does all of this, once the legalities are settled, I'll agree to marriage counseling, but with absolutely no guarantees. 

Legal separation in CO is 6 months. I want the legal separation so we are financially independent of each other, and we have all parenting and financial issues settled. If he can't meet my expectations after 6 months, I don't want to THEN start the divorce process...I want to be able to convert to a divorce immediately. And I don't even want to start marriage counseling until I know he'll be fair with the parenting plan and the settlement. 

If he refuses my conditions, I'm filing for divorce next Wednesday on my own. I truly believe he's lucky I'm even considering separation instead of divorce...


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Stand strong, and good luck!


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## RP49D22 (Dec 7, 2011)

cyrene said:


> I've been married almost 20 years...less that a month to go to my anniversary. The last 12 years have totally sucked...truly awful.
> 
> Our first years were pretty happy. Hubby started to become very jealous, but I always figured he'd settle down in time, he'd come to know I'm a loyal gal. And our son had my total attention...it was so awesome to be his mom (still is). Hubby became more and more controlling.
> 
> ...


I read your post as I had asked you for advice from a husbands point of view. Wow! You have been through a lot. I have been controlling, but nothing like what you describe. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, get into a heated argument from time to time...., don't time sex, etc. 

I guess I have mild control issues compared to this. I think only your husband knows if he can change. He has to recognize the issues are a problem, and I asked you "how long"....he has a lot of behaviors to change. It will take more than weeks....many many months, if not years, I suppose.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention. Have you been to counselling and if not why not.


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## RP49D22 (Dec 7, 2011)

accept said:


> You dont mention. Have you been to counselling and if not why not.


11/18 We got into a small argument (no violence - small verbal).

11/19 she told me "you're controlling" and I am going out shopping, I'll be back later". I happen to google controlling husband and started reading some articles, which I could clearly identify with. I came across Dr. William Harley's web site on Marriage Love Busters. I downloaded his book to my Kindle and began reading. Now I could clearly see my controlling behaviors.

So after all the years of her telling me that "you're controlling", "you're smothering me", etc., I finally see it. I don't know why I couldn't see it sooner.

11/21 I called my health care provider to find a counselor and set an appointment as soon as possible.

11/29 I was able to get into the counselor for a 1st appointment. She believes that I may have an anxiety disorder, driven in part by growing up in an alcoholic household (I myself do not drink or use drugs) and several business failures, near death medical situation a couple of yrs ago, etc. she believes I might also be codependent as well. 

The counselor has me scheduled to see the Psychiatrist on 12/20 to confirm the anxiety disorder and hopefully prescribe something to help that. You see, I am always on edge, waiting for the next calamity even when life is good. If my wife goes out, I have feelings of fear that she might get into a wreck, something bad might happen to her, etc. I do the same with my kids, although to a lesser degree.

12/9 (tomorrow) is my next appointment with the counselor.

Since the 19th of November when I finally woke up and recognized the controlling behavior, I have been reading anything I can get my hands on. I have stopped raising my voice with respect to the kids getting out of hand....no angry outburst on my part. I am certain to speak softly and have been remaining calm. I am trying to do a complete turn and honestly like being in control of my behavior. 

What's killing me, is at the two week mark (Thur 12/1) my wife and I went to a casual place for dinner and I asked her how she felt and how things were going. The conversation turned ugly and she unleashed with how much she hates me, how terrible have made her life, etc. I remained calm, although it hurt like hell to hear her hatred of me. 

The next day (Fri), I thought that perhaps I should have avoided the issue and made light hearted conversation. I remembered how much she likes to laugh and have fun, so I pre-purchased comedy club tickets for Sat night (12/3) and wrote a nice card. When I finished up work (Friday eve) I sat down to make casual conversation and she was seething. She told me that I just didn't get it and by getting the tickets, I was not backing off. She said she was going out for awhile to do some xmas shopping. Two hours later, I got a text from her saying that she was staying with a friend for a day or two. I was devasted, but said ok...what else could I do. This was the worst weekend of my life.

I did confirm that she was where she said was and that there was no OM or anything like that. She stayed with a female coworkers mother across town. 

This takes me to the last couple of days, which have been miserable for me. I had thought I had been making progress and yet I don't get a smidge of hope from her. I am fearful that she is going to get through the holiday's for the sake of the kids and perhaps file for divorce in January. When I asked her if she intended to get an attorney, she just said "we'll see how things go".

So to answer your question, I am in counseling and have also done a lot of self reflection. I have identified the insecurities within me, that have caused the controlling behavior.

We're still living in the same house, but she is emotionally distant. I did give her an electronic copy of Dr. Harley's book, which I noticed she did start reading.

I just want to be the best husband and father I can be, and miss my wife.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I am not sure how the posts are working. You replied to a previous post. Anyway to reply to you. I cant see where you say how long you have been married. Most likely elsewhere on here.
You cant expect your wife to forgive you so quickly. Remember she is thinking you will change again. What exactly is your counselor telling you apart from taking your money. Are you sure that she is not telling your wife to divorce. Many do that without your knowledge. You are going about it the right way using a counselor the question is, is the counselor.


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## RP49D22 (Dec 7, 2011)

accept said:


> I am not sure how the posts are working. You replied to a previous post. Anyway to reply to you. I cant see where you say how long you have been married. Most likely elsewhere on here.
> You cant expect your wife to forgive you so quickly. Remember she is thinking you will change again. What exactly is your counselor telling you apart from taking your money. Are you sure that she is not telling your wife to divorce. Many do that without your knowledge. You are going about it the right way using a counselor the question is, is the counselor.


I re-posted this under a new thread in Divorce and Seperation. The thread is titled My Wife says I am controlling, needs space.

To answer your question, I went to the first visit with the therapist, by myself, and she just asked a lot of questions. So she hasn't told me much yet. What I have written in the post and discovered is that I have insecurities brought on by growing up in an alcoholic family. The insecurities are also about my own self image and failure to provide financially over the years, for my family, inspite of hard work. Therefore, I have felt that I do not deserve my wife and have been controlling her/holding her back, so that I don't loose her to someone else. 

If you take a look at the new thread, it really puts more detail to this and brings more context to the problem. 

But....as I say, most of my adjustment has been due to self reflection and reading over the last 3 weeks.


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## RP49D22 (Dec 7, 2011)

accept said:


> I am not sure how the posts are working. You replied to a previous post. Anyway to reply to you. I cant see where you say how long you have been married. Most likely elsewhere on here.
> You cant expect your wife to forgive you so quickly. Remember she is thinking you will change again. What exactly is your counselor telling you apart from taking your money. Are you sure that she is not telling your wife to divorce. Many do that without your knowledge. You are going about it the right way using a counselor the question is, is the counselor.


When you say that my wife is thinking I will change again. Do you mean go back to my old behavior?


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

He is an abuser (and an alcoholic too by the looks of it - bad combo). Abusers never change. I say get rid of him and find yourself someone who is mentally healthy and is able to give and receive love like healthy people can. The only thing is, when you go to remove your stuff from the house, make sure to have a police escort. Abusers like your husband usually snap and go off the rails once they realise in their heart that they do not control you anymore. Usually the "leaving permanently" part is what does it. So yeah, bring a cop 

And don't fall for his grovelling tactics. It is just a strategy to reel you back in again. You would go back and the abuse will start up again. Same as usual. He did the crime, so now he can do the time, even if it is FOREVER.


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