# Will you read my story? Feedback/suggestions?



## GIJoe1776 (Sep 24, 2017)

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I've been married for 10+ years and have two children. My wife is very dominant and likes to control many of my actions. I'm not permitted to have a facebook account or any other social account for that matter. I can only see friends she approves of and many things are inappropriate in her mind (such as socializing occasionally-once every other month- with colleagues). I'm a peacemaker and have, for many years, fallen in line with her requests/demands just to make my life easier. My family lives ~2,000 miles away and every time I call them (which is less than monthly), she gets annoyed and displays an attitude of contemptment. My father recently passed away suddenly and she questioned whether or not I needed to be there to support my mom.

She is a professing believer and so am I. When things don't go her way (i.e., if I fall out of line with one of her requests), she will typically provide a one-two hour sermon on why what I did was wrong-this usually has something to do with me spending time away from her. It's usually a one-way berating in which she'll ask questions but really not care about my response, if it's the response she doesn't want to hear. A lot of the time, after the lecture, I feel like I've committed a crime and deserve punishment-it's always my fault.

I work hard, 40+ hours a week at my first job, which is rather stressful and demanding and another 12-15 hours on the weekend (the weekend work is only for a short period of time, it has been going on since May and will end in November). I'm far from sainthood and certainly don't give her what she needs. It's so hard for me to love her because I'm constantly reminded of the treatment I receive. The question swirling in my mind is, "how can you love someone who's so unlovable?"

She works part-time, about 20-25 hours a week. Rarely (maybe once a month?) cooks (which I don't look forward to) and we have someone clean our house. She does do the laundry, which I'm ever so thankful for and occasionally tell her. I'm responsible for everything else. She gets frequent headaches which completely incapacitate her for days at a time. She refuses to see a neurologist or take preventative treatments. When this happens, I'm expected to keep the kids quiet and out of our room so she can rest. These seem to always happen on the weekends. 

We don't do anything together. She doesn't like to be active and I don't like to just sit around. Every night is spent in the living room on our respective devices. She stays up till midnight on her computer and watching netflix, while I go to bed around 930-10. Our sex life is mechanical, in that she sees it as a spousal biblical duty and I'm often asked, after 5 minutes, "what's taking so long." It's physically satisfying, but emotionally, it's demoralizing. I'm overwhelming physically attracted to her and have a very high sex drive (at least 3-5x/week). However, I'm limited to sex once every 1-? weeks. Never more frequently than weekly, and sometimes the stretches can be months. I've talked to her about this in the past, and I'm met with, "you just need to control yourself."

I've suggested we seek marriage counseling, but she refuses. She doesn't see what good talking to a complete stranger will do. I went to one individual counseling session (I told her I was going to go-just not when) and found it liberating to actually state my feelings. I didn't go back because I know she'll eventually what to know every detail I told the therapist about her.

I'd welcome feedback and questions. I'm scared of getting a divorce for the sake of my children. I suppose it's more selfish than that. I'm scared of getting a divorce because I won't get to see my kids everyday or when I want to. O know she would make it as difficult as she possibly could. I also can't stand the idea of another man raising them. 

Again, thanks for reading my story. I'm looking forward to the conversation.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Time to sit her down and tell her exactly what is on your mind, be open, honest and if she rebuffs what you are saying then you have to take measures to make her life less comfortable than it is. If you want to go see your parent go, if she is as biblical based as you say then she has to acquiesce to you are the head of the household, use that (even though you may not like it). Tell her about respect for her husband, you yourself need to set boundaries and step up to be the man and leader of the home and stop being brow beaten by her. Call her out on her behaviour every time, that is the only way she will learn to change her attitude.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

GIJoe1776 said:


> She is a professing believer and so am I.


Well, sir, she may be "professing" but she is not PRACTICING. The bible instructs wives to RESPECT their husbands. And, it says nothing whatsoever about any conditions under which she is to do it. The excuse that her husband has to "earn" respect from her is not biblical. It may be popular opinion, but it is not biblical opinion. It is simply a command of her Lord which she, if she is serious about following Him, must obey.

The reminders which come to my mind are the words of the Lord Jesus Christ who said (Matthew 7:21 KJV):

_"Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that *doeth* the will of my Father which is in heaven."._

and, who also said (Luke 6:46 KJV):

_“And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?”_



GIJoe1776 said:


> I'm scared of getting a divorce for the sake of my children.


Come, let us reason together.....

Why do you say you are "scared" of a divorce ?

Picture, for a moment, that there is a man on the brink of a high precipice.... he doesn't jump.... 

is it because he's "scared" ??

Of course, it isn't. It is because he can accurately predict the consequences of jumping. He is not controlled by fear, but by his ability to reason soundly.

You have sound reasoning to not seek a divorce. You can accurately predict the consequences which will befall your children as a result. Your actions are those of courage and of correct judgement, not borne of fear.

Your wife needs to seek her Lord to find His wisdom and His grace to become a christian wife to her husband. Personally, I believe that you, as the spiritual leader of your home, can gently and patiently lead her in Godly ways for her behavior to be modified. I also believe that if she truly seeks to be an obedient christian wife, she will change her ways, because she will recognize her own pharisaical, self-righteous "profession" as regards her position as a christian wife.

She will recognize, through God's help and that of His servants, that her controlling and manipulative demeanor is borne of fear, and she will learn to replace her fear with trust in God as her Source and her Shield.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

All we can do it tell you what you already know but have thus far been unwilling to actually do anything about. 

The question isn't what we think, but rather, what are you prepared to do?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Any relationship ne de to be 50/50. You don't find a way to fix that you have what you have.

Like most you'll just talk but take no action and if you change nothing nothing changes.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You defiantly need to stand up to her.

You need to stop letting her control all aspects of your life, this is very unhealthy and you know this.

You need to grow a pair and tell her that this is your life and if she wants to stay married to you, then she needs to give you some control of it. ]

I'm surprised you did not mention being depressed or you might be and not know it, because I would be living like that.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

What do you get out of this relationship? 

What would happen if you told her that you are not going to sit for 1-2 hours and listen to her "sermons" anymore?

What is the worst case scenario if you stand up to her?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

GIJoe1776 said:


> Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I've been married for 10+ years and have two children. My wife is very dominant and likes to control many of my actions. I'm not permitted to have a facebook account or any other social account for that matter. I can only see friends she approves of and many things are inappropriate in her mind (such as socializing occasionally-once every other month- with colleagues). I'm a peacemaker and have, for many years, fallen in line with her requests/demands just to make my life easier. My family lives ~2,000 miles away and every time I call them (which is less than monthly), she gets annoyed and displays an attitude of contemptment. My father recently passed away suddenly and she questioned whether or not I needed to be there to support my mom.
> 
> She is a professing believer and so am I. When things don't go her way (i.e., if I fall out of line with one of her requests), she will typically provide a one-two hour sermon on why what I did was wrong-this usually has something to do with me spending time away from her. It's usually a one-way berating in which she'll ask questions but really not care about my response, if it's the response she doesn't want to hear. A lot of the time, after the lecture, I feel like I've committed a crime and deserve punishment-it's always my fault.
> 
> ...


*Control freaks often abhor marriage counseling because it causes them to lose control of their domain!

I'd say that it is high time to grow a set of cajones and to issue her a one-way ultimatum to a marriage counselors office!

On your very worst day, you do not deserve the type of treatment that she's gleefully doling out your way!*


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like you're starting to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

Go read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Free PDF download if you don't want to buy it: https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy

I read this book and left my ex wife 2 weeks later after I realized I deserve to be happy and only I can make that happen.

Good luck. Don't have regret later in life.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

I second the book "No More Mr Nice guy"

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Also read the book, "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty."


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Handy said:


> I second the book "No More Mr Nice guy"
> 
> https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


Thirded. 

She is controlling everything because you LET her. Why? You can blame her all you want, but she wouldnt be doing this if you didnt allow it to happen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TJW said:


> Well, sir, she may be "professing" but she is not PRACTICING. The bible instructs wives to RESPECT their husbands. And, it says nothing whatsoever about any conditions under which she is to do it. The excuse that her husband has to "earn" respect from her is not biblical. It may be popular opinion, but it is not biblical opinion. It is simply a command of her Lord which she, if she is serious about following Him, must obey.
> 
> The reminders which come to my mind are the words of the Lord Jesus Christ who said (Matthew 7:21 KJV):
> 
> ...


She needs an intervention from your Pastor/Priest.

She needs to become a Bible Aware Christian, as she certainly is not one at the moment.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> Sounds like you're starting to get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
> 
> Go read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Free PDF download if you don't want to buy it: https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy
> 
> ...





Handy said:


> I second the book "No More Mr Nice guy"
> 
> https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy





3Xnocharm said:


> Thirded.
> 
> She is controlling everything because you LET her. Why? You can blame her all you want, but she wouldnt be doing this if you didnt allow it to happen.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Let's just say that a grown integreated man doesn't need to marry a mother figure who tells him what to do.

You do deserve better and you need to figure out how to change yourself so that you can set boundaries on how she treats you.

Good luck.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

gtfo. Wouldn't surprise me if she cheated on you. Change yourself. Get rid of her and free yourself of this burden.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TJW said:


> Well, sir, she may be "professing" but she is not PRACTICING. The bible instructs wives to RESPECT their husbands. And, it says nothing whatsoever about any conditions under which she is to do it. The excuse that her husband has to "earn" respect from her is not biblical. It may be popular opinion, but it is not biblical opinion. It is simply a command of her Lord which she, if she is serious about following Him, must obey.
> 
> The reminders which come to my mind are the words of the Lord Jesus Christ who said (Matthew 7:21 KJV):
> 
> ...


Or he could just grow a pair and tell her to shut her hole and get off his back.


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## GIJoe1776 (Sep 24, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Or he could just grow a pair and tell her to shut her hole and get off his back.


I'm not sure how these forums work. It's been a while since I've been on, so I'm not sure if anyone will be reading this. But, I'd like to follow-up from my original post with an update.

My part-time job has ended, and things are back to as normal as they can be. A few weeks ago, I had an early morning business meeting with a group at a coffee shop. During the meeting, I received a text that said..."where are you? It shows you at massage envy." This is about the fourth time my phone's locator has shown me being somewhere that I wasn't and I have found myself trying to convince my wife that the locating device is inaccurate. Regardless of the locating error, it wouldn't have mattered if it showed me at the coffee shop-she would have still questioned me with concern. She doesn't think it's appropriate for me to hold meetings outside of my office. So, I decided to stop sharing my location and didn't inform her.

Fast forward one week. I'm on a business trip (she knows where I am, where I'm staying, what flight I'm on, etc.) and she tries to locate me, only to realize she no longer has access. She goes bazerk. First it was text messages, then it was phone calls-10-12 of them. I have refused to turn it back on in an attempt to "grow a pair." The daily struggles and arguments have been excruciating. She has pleaded with me, yelled at me (at soon as the kids are in bed-not yet asleep), questioned me-why I would do this to her, told me turning it off was a sin, she has said she's going to tell our boys that "daddy doesn't love mommy anymore," "this is a deal-breaker," "I'm ready to draw up the papers." And finally, tonight, she told me to get out and find somewhere else to sleep and said all of this could have been avoided if I simply turned my locator back on-IT'S MY FAULT.

I've always favored the path of least resistance, which is why I'm still here. It's just easier to give up and give in. 

Was I wrong to turn the locator off? I'm tired of being accused of impropriety without actually having the benefit of indulging in the accused activity. It's exhausting having to defend myself against these perceived accusations. 

There have been other blow-ups between my last post and this one. In response to a previous confrontation, I told her, "I'm going to divorce you." Which, I've regretted saying. 

Are all marriages like this?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Man, no marriage is easy. Not even the best ones. But all are important. 

You desperately need marriage counseling. Your wife seems off, I can think of a few things that may be why. 

She is projecting and she is a cheater so she thinks you are. (Check your phone bill, go back a few years, just to be safe). 

She has some sort of family issue from the past that makes her afraid. (She is obviously desperately afraid, was their cheating divorce in her family or past, like with boyfriends?) 

She has some sort of mental health issue like bipolarism, or BPD. (This is hard and my be to much to handle)

So because of this you need a professional. Try to get counseling with a board certified physiologist. 

I also think you work a lot and she is at home with a young child, she is probably very tired, over worked and desperate for some adult attention. She has probably looked for you to provide that for her. She probably wants to feel like a women again not just a Mom. Do you think you have done a good job on helping her with that?

Finally I say all that but I have to ask, have you ever cheated in the past? Have you been close or been flirty with other women? I ask because your wife's reaction seems so intense I am saying she may have mental health issue, but lots of times people come on here and don't tell the whole story at first, occam's razor and all.


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## GIJoe1776 (Sep 24, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Man, no marriage is easy. Not even the best ones. But all are important.
> 
> You desperately need marriage counseling. Your wife seems off, I can think of a few things that may be why.
> 
> ...


I've never cheated. Either on her or any girlfriends I'd had prior to marriage. I would describe myself as friendly, but not flirty. I have very few friends, none of them women. 

I appreciate your assessment. I do work a lot, but she does, too (not a lot, but does work outside the home). I don't think I do a very good job connecting with her and making her feel loved.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How could you do a good job of "making her feel loved"?? Her behavior is completely unlovable. Toxic. Controlling. Unhealthy to a maximum degree. Dysfunctional.

You previously asked about divorce. I divorced after 16 years. It doesn't feel natural not living with my children full time (50/50) but it's better than living in a toxic marriage, living a LIE. It's dishonest. It's not good for you, her, or the children.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

sokillme said:


> She is projecting and she is a cheater so she thinks you are. (Check your phone bill, go back a few years, just to be safe).
> .


WTF? Talk about projecting! Where did you come up with cheating except from your own past? Maybe she is just a control freak who needs to constantly be in control and know where everything and everyone is all of the time. When something or someone slips out of her control, especially someone she assumes she has absolute control over, she freaks out.

Anyways OP, as others have said, get and read the book No More Mr Nice Guy. You are allowing your wife to control you and dominate you. I speak from experience. My ex did the same things to me. She too was a believer, everything was always my fault - from my daughter's depression, to our not having the money to fund her life style, to the Mortgage Meltdown - it was always my fault. When you are in that type of relationship, you become so immersed in it, that it becomes your normal. It is only have to escape the vortex (which ironically was a nickname used by my friend to refer to my ex) that you realize it.
I was like you, I was the peacemaker. I would get upset about something (lack of sex, no sex, her making unilateral decisions etc) and go to talk to her about. Like you, whenever I tried to advocate for myself, I was told that I was wrong to think that way, and if I didn't like it she was leaving. Like you I wanted to save the marriage at any cost, so I would often sulk away, only to come back later to apologize for my thoughtlessness. 
I would give her one final ultimatum and tell her that it is either counseling or divorce. 
And don't be too upset about your kids. Do not stay with her because of them. What they are seeing, is dysfunction. It is what they are learning. So unless you want your kids to grow up to deal with the same things as you are, you need to change this and fast.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The only regret you should have about telling her you were going to divorce her is that you haven't done it yet. And no you were not wrong to turn off the locator, its one thing to mutually agree to share locations for transparency and safety, its quite another for one to insist the other share for no reason other than to track their every move. 

You have no life, this is no way to live. I don't think you really even love this woman, how could you? She is awful. You are debilitatingly co-dependent, and completely lack any self respect. She has no right to control you in this way, and you are not required to put up with it.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

I didn't see this thread when it was first posted, but yes, I agree that it reeks of projection and BPD and the absurd fear of abandonment that comes with it.

She thinks you're screwing around because that's what she would be intending to do if she went to a coffee shop or if she turned her locator off. On a side note, how do you know the locator was inaccurate when she would accuse you of being at "massage envy"? Maybe she was just making that **** up. Maybe there was one near the coffee shop where you went so she wanted to rub it in your face or "test" you.

You are not her possession. You are not her chattel. She has no respect for you at all. Your marriage is very unhealthy. If she's willing to leave you because you turned your locator off, then let her go.

I've been down this road. My wife also had no respect for me. After 15 years of relentless accusations of looking at women, flirting with women, being a sicko and a pervert, etc., etc., my wife went out and had an affair. Then my lawyer and my therapist had to tell me how common projection is.

You can't fix that sort of thing. It will be very painful in the short run but, like I was, you will be so liberated when the chain is broken. And you will never be able to go back to how things are now.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

GIJoe, I agree with @*Sokillme* and @*Ghost Rider* that you're describing strong warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting that she necessarily has the full-blown disorder (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm suggesting she may be exhibiting strong BPD symptoms (which may be below or above the diagnostic threshold).

The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, very controlling actions, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD. You are describing a woman having such a great fear of abandonment that she sees threats of abandonment in your everyday, harmless actions. 

She therefore has a powerful incentive to control nearly all aspects of your life to reduce the likelihood of your leaving her -- and to reduce the pain of her having to continually deal with that nagging fear. The result is that she wants to track your every motion. 

Because she has such a powerful desire to control you, she doesn't want you around anyone who would support you by saying "That's the most absurd demand I've ever heard." This is one reason she tries to isolate you away from all of your close friends and family members. The other reason -- when a person greatly fears abandonment -- is that she misperceives your spending time with them as you choosing THEM over HER.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic marriage to a woman who refuses to address her own anger issues. It also may help you decide whether to spend money seeking a professional opinion. 

I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself _-- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and your two kids are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join *SoKillMe*, *Ghost Rider*, and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, GIJoe.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

It's highly abnormal to have a tracking device on a spouse's phone. From what I've heard, they are highly inaccurate. I don't see these as marital issues. I think she clearly has some issues she needs to address. Stop walking on eggshells.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Finish it. Tell her how you view your life and you aren't living lake a damn doormat any longer.

You can't control what she does but you can and should be controlling yourself which means quit taking her ****.


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