# Thought Id give an update on my situation



## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

If you've read my previous posts you know what I went through. In a nutshell, wife said she wanted to separate, stopped wearing her wedding ring on the left hand, etc. The separation was supposed to happen 6 months after my post last year. 

Well, the time came and I was looking for apartments. Wife surprised me by saying she wanted us to be together. At the time that's all I wanted to hear. So we moved to a big apartment about 45 minutes away from our previous location. It's closer to both our jobs. 

Things have done a 180. She wears her ring every day on the correct hand and finger and insists she doesn't want to leave. She was seeing a life coach but that coach ended up divorcing her own husband early this year. I think that kind of shook the wife up and she's no longer seeing any life coaches. Sex is great, I have no problem there. 

Where I have a problem is her lack of affection. She says "love you" regularly but anything more than that is few and far between. If I try to be romantic she dismisses it and carries on, usually not saying one thing or the other. There's rarely an instance where she touches me. No holding hands in public. No words of affirmation, no encouragement, no emotional support. If I try to talk about my needs of more affection she either blames it on my lack of self confidence or she says I'm being silly. Yet she insists that she loves me. 

Now, here I am, the one considering separation. My emotional needs aren't being met. She says she's just not an affectionate type of person and blames that on her dad. He used to get mad if she or her siblings showed emotion and didn't respond to affection, nor was he affectionate with his kids. 

I feel guilty now. I see it her couples on Facebook and social media praising each other, taking selfies together, doing thoughtful things for one another. I'd love to have that, too, but I've come to the conclusion that it's not going to happen with my wife. So either I stay in this uncomfortable comfort zone or I break it off and look for a woman who can and will meet my needs. But in breaking it off, I risk being alone, possibly for a long, long time. And being alone terrifies me. 

I feel stuck and would appreciate your thoughts. Thanks in advance. 

CT


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Was she always this way? If so you married her knowing that.
Some people are just less affectionate and that's not how they show their love.
Have you both read the 5 love languages? If not then do, it may help.

You have to choose whether you are going to keep your promises and love and accept her as she is, or end the marriage because you think the grass is greener elsewhere.
It's not something I would end a marriage over, it's part of being committed to your spouse and loving them.
Oh and ignore social media, it's largely false. It will help you if you stop looking at it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife is a pain in the ass and I can only assume that the sex is out of this world because otherwise why have you stayed so long with her. 
From her “counselling” sessions with her ex boyfriend to wanting to live on her own to see what single life is like you seem to be a kinda afterthought in her life. 
Again, why are you doing this?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Was she always this way? If so you married her knowing that.
> Some people are just less affectionate and that's not how they show their love.
> Have you both read the 5 love languages? If not then do, it may help.
> 
> ...


@Diana7 in this instance you would be well advised to read the op’s other threads.
This woman has treated him like dirt.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> @Diana7 in this instance you would be well advised to read the op’s other threads.
> This woman has treated him like dirt.


 OK Thanks.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why do you believe she decided to not separate? Was she involved with someone else and that ended so she returned?

Sorry, I’m not familiar with your backstory.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think it’s awesome you’re getting the frame of mind that might help you get out of this thing with your wife. She seems to be the real giver in this relationship. And you’re the taker.
Stop letting her serve you up these double dip ice cream cones of pain all the time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Chronotrigger said:


> If you've read my previous posts you know what I went through. In a nutshell, wife said she wanted to separate, stopped wearing her wedding ring on the left hand, etc. The separation was supposed to happen 6 months after my post last year.
> 
> Well, the time came and I was looking for apartments. Wife surprised me by saying she wanted us to be together. At the time that's all I wanted to hear. So we moved to a big apartment about 45 minutes away from our previous location. It's closer to both our jobs.
> 
> ...


What prompted your wife’s reversal re: separation?

Sounds like she got dumped.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@Chronotrigger I think the best way to look at this is that your wife has given you something special- time. Time to settle in and think about your needs, and how she does or doesn't fit in. She's settled into her version of autopilot marriage, rationalizing that everything is fine in her world as a woman married to you... but the thing is, she feels that way regardless of how you feel. That's a problem. But, as I said, you've got time. She's settled down. She's found a rhythm that works for her. She's not going anywhere anytime soon. But you... you can do whatever you want. You have every choice available to you, and time to fully explore the outcomes.

I would meet with an IC and discuss your needs, where she falls short, and create boundaries and requirements for her. If she can agree to them and make progress, great. If she tells you those are all your issues, not hers, then you know what to do. And you can do so while holding your head up high. And again, you have time. No need to panic here.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

These are threads he has started in the past:









Thought Id give an update on my situation


If you've read my previous posts you know what I went through. In a nutshell, wife said she wanted to separate, stopped wearing her wedding ring on the left hand, etc. The separation was supposed to happen 6 months after my post last year. Well, the time came and I was looking for apartments...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com












She wants a trial separation


My wife of 9 years says she wants us to separate. This is the second marriage for us both. Her reason: she is terrified of turning 50 next year and wants to see what it's like living on her own. She also doesn't want to have to be expected to care for anyone but herself as she says she's been...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com












How long should a separation last before it becomes more...


My wife of 9 years recently asked for a separation. We have no kids together. She says she honestly does not know if she wants a divorce. I believe her when she says that. The reason for the separation is that she's approaching 50 and has never lived on her own. Plus, she lost a lot of weight in...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com












What does it mean when she stops wearing her ring?


Short history: three weeks ago my wife said she wants a separation when the lease on our rent house is up. That will be in November. She insists that right now she does not want a divorce and still loves me, and has since said she feels like she's falling in love withe all over again. She's...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com












When a white woman loves hip hop music does that mean...


My wife loves hip hop music. She listens to it in the car, when she gets dressed in the morning, and watches videos of it on her phone, a lot. She listens to it so much that I've found myself becoming jealous. I've asked her why she listens to it so much and she either avoids the question or...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your fear of being alone kept you there. It wasn’t a good idea.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Cynthia said:


> These are threads he has started in the past:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you for posting this, I read a bit of the first link/thread. I'd say that without a doubt, her plans didn't turn out as she had hoped in terms of the separation, and she came back home to OP. But, that's why she's not very affectionate and so on, because she's not really ''there.''

My advice OP? Seek legal counsel and move on. Unless you want to stay with someone who treats you as a back-up plan, and keeps you off balance for the rest of your life, you'd be way better off leaving her to find happiness in yourself, and maybe someday, with another woman. You seem like a kind man, but she's taking advantage of that. 😓


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Chronotrigger said:


> I feel guilty now. I see it her couples on Facebook and social media praising each other, taking selfies together, doing thoughtful things for one another.


irrespective of your other issues, keep in mind, social media is not real life


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Was she always this way? If so you married her knowing that.
> Some people are just less affectionate and that's not how they show their love.
> Have you both read the 5 love languages? If not then do, it may help.
> 
> ...


We frequently use to converge (more than fully agree) on some matters.
With my full respect to you, not at all this time.
It may or not fit the OP situation, but I´ve lived a long unaffectionate marriage, kept my promissed for decades, was faithfull to a fault, stayed hoping a best loving future while doing my best.
And besides my lovely three daughters (whom I ended rising as a single father) I bitterly regret those arid years.
Affection is not an optional or shoudn´t. Have no replacement regardless other "needs".
Lack of it is IMO a full perversion and to call it love without it is less a false conception than a fraud.
Not an example I would give to my daughters.




Casual Observer said:


> @Chronotrigger I think the best way to look at this is that your wife has given you something special- time. Time to settle in and think about your needs, and how she does or doesn't fit in. She's settled into her version of autopilot marriage, rationalizing that everything is fine in her world as a woman married to you... but the thing is, she feels that way regardless of how you feel. That's a problem. But, as I said, you've got time. She's settled down. She's found a rhythm that works for her. She's not going anywhere anytime soon. But you... you can do whatever you want. You have every choice available to you, and time to fully explore the outcomes.


I agree with your post to the scope of my quote of it.
Not sure if about what followed,



Zedd said:


> irrespective of your other issues, keep in mind, social media is not real life


True.
But if "real life" is near the scarcity he haves and is what is expected for us all, there is small hope for love.


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## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

Thanks for the replies!

When I first me her she was very affectionate and loved romantic gestures. Her withdrawal from affection only happened in the last few years.in a nutshell, she changed. But don't we all at some point?

To answer the question of why the reversal on the separation ... oh boy... I discovered in one of her journals that she was carrying on an emotional affair with a guy at her work. He has a serious girlfriend. I guess this went on a couple of months and then he took a job at another company. The conversations continued (through LinkedIn of all places) until he suddenly disappeared from all social media and didn't respond to her messages. In her journal she wrote about him disappearing and wrote that she didn't understand why she was so upset that he just disappeared. So clearly this EA confused her feelings.

From everything I could find there was no indication of a physical affair. I did confront her about it and after the standard "you invaded my privacy" speech, she admitted that she and he exchanged compliments and walked around the building at her job each day. She insists that she never so much as kissed him, let alone having a PA. If I had concrete evidence of a PA or an admission from her that a PA happened, I would have ended things right then and there. A PA is the one thing I will not tolerate. She said she thinks that as she gets closer to age 50, she was seeking affirmation from others that she's still beautiful and desirable. She recently also made the comment that she's glad she decided not to separate, saying it would have been a mistake.

Honestly, if we had separated, and had I taken time to heal, I doubt I would have taken her back.

I have been monitoring her communications since then, and I've not found any evidence that she's been talking to him or anyone else. I've told her that if she pulls the separation thing ever again that I am done. I will be gone and won't come back. And I do mean that.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Chronotrigger said:


> Thanks for the replies!
> 
> When I first me her she was very affectionate and loved romantic gestures. Her withdrawal from affection only happened in the last few years.in a nutshell, she changed. But don't we all at some point?
> 
> ...


Why won't she take that affirmation of beauty and desirability from you? That is something I would ask her. 

It seems to me she lost some of her deep love for you by sharing it with her AP, even if it was only emotional.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Chronotrigger said:


> Thanks for the replies!
> 
> When I first me her she was very affectionate and loved romantic gestures. Her withdrawal from affection only happened in the last few years.in a nutshell, she changed. But don't we all at some point?
> 
> ...


It should be a bit unnerving that your situation improved through your Ws EA partner moving out of her life, nothing that you said or did.

It could've gone either way for you. Your future was decided by another person's decisions. That's a big concern. 

Will your W do it again? That's the question. If you answer you're unsure, then you should carefully decide your future. You, this time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

In a nutshell, she got dumped. I say you should bail. She changed, but it’s because she lost her feelings for you— but not for the security you provide. She still loves that.
I’m sorry. I’m really not a fan of your wife.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he had really been interested In her, you would have been left in the dust. He wasn’t so she returned to you. That’s called being Plan B (happens to many people — even when they pretend that’s not the case).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here are a some points worth mentioning.

She said she slept with no one.
*But, she intended to.*

She had an EA with a coworker.
This is the guy that got her mind fixed on a separation.

Would she do this Calamity-Jane thing, this separating on a whim, on a promise of a relationship with this guy?
I think not. I think he had a short fling with her, sampled her, and then picked the other lady to marry.
He dumped her after she left you.

She was all ready to try this new guy out, was she not?
She told you she wanted to date around and that you can date also.

I put the chances are her having sexual relations with another man, during this separation at 99%.

*Intent is the same as doing.*

Had this other man worked out, she would not have returned back to you.

I would toss another phallus on the table. I bet she had at least two disappointing flings, before returning home.

I would divorce her simply because she wanted to date and have sex with other men, while still married.
And, she had enough gall to get your blessing.

You said you would divorce her if she had a PA.
She sure wanted to, and any love and respect for you played no part in her decision.

Make this a serious life lesson for her.
Divorce.

It already is a disaster for you, with going forward with this selfish wom

There is no way you can overlook her past behavior.


_N-_


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Chronotrigger said:


> Thanks for the replies!
> 
> When I first me her she was very affectionate and loved romantic gestures. Her withdrawal from affection only happened in the last few years.in a nutshell, she changed. But don't we all at some point?
> 
> ...


What the heck is the difference between an emotional affair and physical affair if the outcome is the same? you are still plan B regardless. I don't know if I can continue a marriage if I knew, or even had the slightest inkling that I was plan B. You're problem is you have no respect for yourself otherwise you would have kicked her to the curb when you found out she was talking to her coworker. Only reason she stayed with you is cause coworker boy rejected her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Chronotrigger said:


> Thanks for the replies!
> 
> When I first me her she was very affectionate and loved romantic gestures. Her withdrawal from affection only happened in the last few years.in a nutshell, she changed. But don't we all at some point?
> 
> ...


Evidence or not, emotional affairs with co-workers are _physical_ affairs. That said, unless I misread things, this may have been a one-sided infatuation on her part.

Question: have you ever been diagnosed as being anywhere on the autistic spectrum?

Serious question with no offense intended.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your wife has deserted you and the marriage to pursue selfishness. She has stopped giving you affection and gaslit you about it. This isn't a natural change of aging or a maturing. It is a loss of affection for you. She isn't affectionate, because she doesn't feel affectionate towards you.


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## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

Autism? No.

On being Plan B... I know. I realize this. My fear of being alone again is trumping the need to do the right thing.

Before I met her I was single and alone. I used to stay at work really late so I wouldn't have to go home to an empty apartment. When was home alone, the hours until I went to bed passed excruciatingly slow. I found some comfort in online dating, but most of those experiences ended in failure. Maybe I came off as too desperate for a partner. I don't know. I was depressed and contemplated S on a regular basis. I tried hobbies and my interest in them always faded fast. I would see couples out and about and it was severely depressing to me as to why I couldn't have that, too. I don't want to go back to that dark place, if I can help it. 

Guess I'm just a lost cause until she h e pulls this again. If that happens, it's the out I need.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Chronotrigger said:


> On being Plan B... I know. I realize this. My fear of being alone again is trumping the need to do the right thing. Guess I'm just a lost cause until she h e pulls this again. If that happens, it's the out I need.


Based on what I've read. You aren't only plan B. You are a place holder until she finds what she really wants. In the meantime, you are meeting her immediate needs, but are not her long term place. Of course, I don't know her and can't read her mind, but this is what it looks like from way over here.


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## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

Cynthia said:


> Based on what I've read. You aren't only plan B. You are a place holder until she finds what she really wants. In the meantime, you are meeting her immediate needs, but are not her long term place. Of course, I don't know her and can't read her mind, but this is what it looks like from way over here.


I know. If she's going to leave I just wish she would do it sooner rather than later so I can say that I did everything possible to keep my vows, and then move on and start the healing process.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Chronotrigger said:


> I know. If she's going to leave I just wish she would do it sooner rather than later so I can say that I did everything possible to keep my vows, and then move on and start the healing process.


Hasn't she broken her vows? Did you have any real vows? What were her vows to you?


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## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

Cynthia said:


> Hasn't she broken her vows? Did you have any real vows? What were her vows to you?


If you mean the EA, then maybe. And we had the standard wedding vows. I guess the difference between her and I is that I took the vows seriously. It appears she didnt.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Chronotrigger said:


> On being Plan B... I know. I realize this. My fear of being alone again is trumping the need to do the right thing.


You should be someone's plan A only and that should be a non-starter conversation.


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## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

re16 said:


> You should be someone's plan A only and that should be a non-starter conversation.


I appreciate that. I just turned 50 late last year. I'm losing hope of ever finding what I seek by way of a good, loyal, affectionate woman. I know they are out there, somewhere...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Chronotrigger said:


> If you mean the EA, then maybe. And we had the standard wedding vows. I guess the difference between her and I is that I took the vows seriously. It appears she didnt.


The emotional affair, her threatening to leave you, her not being loving towards you. The vows include faithfulness, love, and loyalty. She has not been faithful, loving, or loyal to you. She isn't being loving towards you right now. From your description, she is emotionally checked out and makes excuses for not being loving towards you.

I'm not saying you should leave her. I'm saying that this isn't a healthy marriage and it's not going to improve if you do nothing about it. She obviously isn't.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Cynthia said:


> I'm saying that this isn't a healthy marriage and it's not going to improve if you do nothing about it.


Do something, like what? It takes two for a relationship to flourish. So far, as things stand by his narrative, even getting back together shouldn't have happened. It's a mistake of his own doing due to being so far incapable of having the courage to be on his own. 

This relationship is nothing but a matter of convenience to her with him as plan B, because plan A fissled out; him because he trumped his self respect and dignity as the price of being in a relationship; any kind of relationship as long as he doesn't have to start all over, because as we know, he doesn't have the balls to do it. Too afraid.


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## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

Yes, it's my own stupidity that put me where I am right now. Yes, I'm afraid of being alone. I acknowledge that. 

But I won't go through this $hit again. If she wants a separation again then I'm done. Out.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to learn how to entertain yourself. Expecting your spouse to constantly entertain you is exhausting for her and makes you look like a needy child. Find a hobby or interest that you truly feel passionate about and practice it daily. You will find your needing words of affirmation and touch will lessen when your mind is otherwise engaged.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Chronotrigger said:


> If you've read my previous posts you know what I went through. In a nutshell, wife said she wanted to separate, stopped wearing her wedding ring on the left hand, etc. The separation was supposed to happen 6 months after my post last year.
> 
> Well, the time came and I was looking for apartments. Wife surprised me by saying she wanted us to be together. At the time that's all I wanted to hear. So we moved to a big apartment about 45 minutes away from our previous location. It's closer to both our jobs.
> 
> ...


My wife and I worked with a Sex Therapist, who helped my wife understand my emotional needs. Sensate Focus exercises were something we did that I think would really help you and your wife. Also it sounds like you understand Chapman's 5 Languages of Love, but that you wife doesn't. Perhaps, if she reads it again the two of you might be able to help her want to start learning to communicate in your love languages.

Good luck. I am glad that you say that at least the sex is good. That is at least a half full glass.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Do something, like what? It takes two for a relationship to flourish.


I 100% agree that it takes two for a marriage to flourish. And that it only takes one person to destroy it. However, one person can also make moves that will cause the other person to adjust. Chronotrigger's wife has made changes that he adjusted to in unhealthy ways, rather than standing up to her and saying "no" and employing some healthier strategies. 
Now is the time to start reading about healthy marriages and building some awareness of what is and is not healthy. Once you, Chronotrigger, have some strategies on what is and is not healthy, use those tools to set appropriate boundaries.
Here is a short list of what I would recommend:
Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie
Facing Codependence: What it is, Where it Comes from, How it Sabotages Our Lives, by Pia Mellody
What Makes Love Last?, by John Gottman and Nan Silver
These books will show you how you are dysfunctional, what you are doing to enable the dysfunction, and what you can do better. They will also show you what a good relationship looks like and how to interact in healthy ways that build, rather than tearing down. You can do this, even when you disagree, and even if you decide to divorce.
This is how you can get started on learning healthy behaviors and attitudes.



Chronotrigger said:


> Yes, it's my own stupidity that put me where I am right now. Yes, I'm afraid of being alone. I acknowledge that.
> 
> But I won't go through this $hit again. If she wants a separation again then I'm done. Out.


Your self talk isn't helping. First of all, Rob_1 is right. It takes two for a relationship to flourish. This is not all on you. However, as I outlined above, you can do things to improve how you interact. This will either make or break your relationship, but you will have your dignity.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Chronotrigger said:


> Yes, it's my own stupidity that put me where I am right now. Yes, I'm afraid of being alone. I acknowledge that.
> 
> But I won't go through this $hit again. If she wants a separation again then I'm done. Out.


So you're going to wait around to see if she finds plan A and wants a separation again? Why are you leaving your fate in her hands?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You need to learn how to entertain yourself. Expecting your spouse to constantly entertain you is exhausting for her and makes you look like a needy child. Find a hobby or interest that you truly feel passionate about and practice it daily. You will find your needing words of affirmation and touch will lessen when your mind is otherwise engaged.


Get a divorce and go rescue yourself two or three dogs and you'll never be lonely again or bored.


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## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So you're going to wait around to see if she finds plan A and wants a separation again? Why are you leaving your fate in her hands?


Again, two reasons:

1. I'm fearful of being alone again. I take the chance of waiting, possibly years, for the right woman
2. I don't want to be the one who walked out on our marriage. 

Question for everyone: what's so great about being single? What are the advantages, in your opinion?


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Chronotrigger said:


> Question for everyone: what's so great about being single? What are the advantages, in your opinion?


Not giving any mindspace/worry to someone you don't trust.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Chronotrigger said:


> Again, two reasons:
> 
> 1. I'm fearful of being alone again. I take the chance of waiting, possibly years, for the right woman
> 2. I don't want to be the one who walked out on our marriage.
> ...


You came alone into this world and alone you'll leave it. In between there were people receiving you and there will be people helping you leave it. 

To be afraid of being alone for some period of life in this world is just plainly ridiculous, absurd, and it points towards something not quite right within yourself. I think that you need to check this out, because it's not normal.


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## Chronotrigger (Feb 6, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> You came alone into this world and alone you'll leave it. In between there were people receiving you and there will be people helping you leave it.
> 
> To be afraid of being alone for some period of life in this world is just plainly ridiculous, absurd, and it points towards something not quite right within yourself. I think that you need to check this out, because it's not normal.


Fear of being alone isn't normal? Pretty sure there are millions who suffer from this kind of fear. I'm not saying it's right, or CV healthy, but trying to single me out as a rare exception on this subject seems a bit spiteful.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Positives about being single:
You do what you want, when you want.
You can save and spend your money the way you want to. 
If someone doesn’t bring you happiness, it’s easy to move on.
You don’t constantly have to worry about making someone else happy, or worry if they’re happy, or deal with their problems.
You have the opportunity to meet someone that actually likes you.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Chronotrigger said:


> Fear of being alone isn't normal? Pretty sure there are millions who suffer from this kind of fear. I'm not saying it's right, or CV healthy, but trying to single me out as a rare exception on this subject seems a bit spiteful.


Chrono, there may be millions of people with fear of living alone +/- that does not means that is normal.
Fear is phobia, phobia is not normal.
That's why I said to check with a psychologist, or some type of IC doctor. In no way I said it to be spiteful. I said it for you to realize it and to seek help with a possible solution. We humans, just can't go on afraid of everything. It's paralyzing. It's one of the reasons you are in the situation in which you are. Think about it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Chronotrigger said:


> Question for everyone: what's so great about being single? What are the advantages, in your opinion?


One word … freedom. (In my case, that means that never again do I have to deal with my cheating exH and that’s worth everything I gave up to get where I am now.)


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