# New to This



## Young and Confused (Mar 16, 2010)

This is my first time ever posting to this site. I have been having many issues and don't know how to take care of them and/or if anyone else can possible say they have gone through this same thing.

I am a young, new mom and love it. However, me and my fiance are having so many problems since the baby was born. It is like he never wants to be home, he would rather put in sixty hours of work then be home with me and his son.

Also, he has started mentioning things about all the girls he thinks are cute. Whether they be famous or just girls we see in town. Now I'm not one to just jump to conclusions especially about cheating. I would much rather give him the benefit of the doubt but lately I'm just not sure. Is this feeling just because I am insecure with myself lately?


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

Congratulations on your newborn! Regardless of what others may say, I do believe babies and children can add stress to a relationship - but they are also a blessing and will always provide a connection between you two. Based on my limited experience and my observations/discussions with other mothers and friends, it seems that some men have difficulty relating to and taking care of infants. This does not mean they love them any less than the mother. I think it may be more difficult because women tend to be the caregivers and have a natural instinct when it comes to raising infants. This does change as the child becomes older and can interact with the father. Things will improve overtime as he continues to adapt to being a father.

Regarding the comments about other women, does he know this bothers you? I would voice your concerns - ask him if it has anything to do with your recent pregnancy. I would be surprised if the comments are anything beyond just comments. I do not know what shape you are in - but let him know that your body has gone through a significant transformation - and it will more than likely return to the prebaby form - but it takes time. You are busy taking care of the first priority - the baby. Let him know that you need to feel good about yourself and that you would appreciate some of those nice comments too. Also, if there is anything he can do to help - tell him - like watch the baby for an hour so you can take a walk, exercise, etc.

Wishing you all the best in this new life chapter.


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## Young and Confused (Mar 16, 2010)

Thank you so much. It makes me feel better knowing that others can relate to me. I am just going through a rough time and I felt so alone for a while. But this site has really shown me that other people are having the same problems that I am and it helps me cope. Also, I think you are right that he just needs time to adjust to being a father but it is just so hard because it seems like I have done all the work since my son has been born. I just don't understand why he doesn't want to take care of him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How much time are you giving HIM?

He resents being put on the back burner while you are consumed with your baby.

Even with a baby in the house, you should be spending 15 hours a week with just HIM. Doing the kinds of things you did when you were dating. He needs fun - or at least happy - time with YOU, not with the baby, to still feel like you want him around.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:iagree: For many, having a child presents a big issue. Suddenly, the fun, carefree days of your youth seem to have come to an end. You seem to be dealing with motherhood very well but for him, it can be a real crisis and it seems he is looking to escape to the world he feels comfortable with (work, going out with friends, etc) instead of dealing with this scary, new world as a parent. 

As Turnera pointed out, how has your relationship been impacted by this? If your sex life has gone south and you are consumed with your child (quite understandable and very common with new mothers ) he might be feeling left out and resentful. He may also be feeling fearful that his youth is now vanishing and not ready to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood.

It's one thing to have a baby, another thing to accept being a parent. Make sure you set aside time to spend time together as couple..without your baby. Get a sitter and go out and do the fun things you did before having your baby and don't let your appearance go downhill go. Do all the things you used to do to keep yourself attractive to him so he doesn't feel the need to look elsewhere. You can still be attractive as a mother. 

Remember, you are still a couple too..not just parents. He's not just the father of your baby and he's probably afraid that this is all his life has become. . Live with your child, not for your child. Good luck!


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## Young and Confused (Mar 16, 2010)

My child is now three months old and it seems to me that he should already have accepted the fact that we are now parents. I don't like to go out and do things and get a sitter because to me it makes me look like a bad mom. I don't want people to think that I don't want to be around my child. Also, when we were dating all we did was hang out at home most nights anyway and watch movies.

I think our sex life has actually gotten better since the baby. I am more willing to have sex now that I know I am on birth control and am safe. Also, when my son goes to bed we hang out everynight for the most part. Shouldn't that be enough? I mean both of us are tired because our days are so full with work for him and work and school for me that we are too tired to do anything most nights.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What is there to like in that for him? It sounds like a VERY boring life for a young man. Go back and read what we said about how he probably feels. You're writing here about how YOU feel, but if you want HIM to care about YOU, you have to look at it from his side. The advice you've been given is very appropriate. Stop looking at this from your perspective, and think about what HE is feeling. You didn't answer what anyone asked you about how he may be feeling like his 'life' is over now that he's tied down to a baby. Was he all for getting pregnant in the first place? Was he involved? Does he spend time with the baby? Does he still get to do things with his friends?

YOU think he should accept it.
YOU don't like to go out because of how it makes YOU feel.
YOU don't want people to think...

I'm not trying to be rude, but you are being very one-sided about this. And I'm sure HE senses that, too. What does he have to look forward to when he comes home? How much time do you spend talking to him? Asking about his life? Doing things with him? Men don't have the desire to shut down life just because a baby comes along, and especially if the mom doesn't give dad the time of day because she's now being fulfilled by the baby. That's a really dangerous thing to do, if that's what's happening, because it results in...well, what you are experiencing now - him looking elsewhere.

You have to make this worthwhile for him, too.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Young and Confused said:


> My child is now three months old and it seems to me that he should already have accepted the fact that we are now parents. I don't like to go out and do things and get a sitter because to me it makes me look like a bad mom. I don't want people to think that I don't want to be around my child. Also, when we were dating all we did was hang out at home most nights anyway and watch movies.


:scratchhead: Well, that sounds pretty boring.  I have two kids and if that was what my life became after having them I'd slit my wrists! Where the heck did you get the idea that if you get a sitter it makes you "look" like a bad mother? Why would you think that people would think you are a "bad parent" for going out and having fun once in awhile with your fiancee? I'm not talking going out every night..just once in awhile for a "date night". Who are you trying to impress anyway? 

So you aren't going to have any life of your own? You are going to be one of those crazed "helicopter" parents who think that being a "good" parent is one that hovers over their kids constantly? Basically you're just going to drive your partner and eventually your kids crazy. Spending every iota of your time with your children does not make for a "good" mother. It's the QUALITY of the time you spend, not the quantity, that's important. I consider (and more importantly MY KIDS consider) myself and my husband to be great parents but we go out and have fun as ADULTS..together as a couple, as well as have fun with our children. I can't stress enough how important "alone/adult time" with your partner is to maintain a healthy relationship. In fact, it's more important now then before!

Life is short. I don't know how old you are but before you know it, your youth will be a thing of the past and you'll regret not having fun while you were young. No wonder your fiancee wants to get the heck out of the house! You sound like you are a senior citizen already. 

And I just love how you've declared that after three months your partner "should already have accepted that you are now parents". Nice attitude. Some people need more time to adjust to parenthood. It's a very big adjustment for many and not many appreciate or like the changes initially. Maybe you should show a little more empathy for your partner. Just because YOU are doing fine doesn't mean he is. If that were the case you wouldn't have started this thread, now would you?  Obviously he's having a difficult time adjusting so perhaps you should try and look at things his way?

Remember what I said before...Live WITH your children, not FOR them. You need to remember that both you and your partner are individuals that continue to have human needs and desires. Life and having fun doesn't stop because you have kids. It changes a lot but if you keep an open mind you can have it both ways. 

Keep this attitude up and you're going to find that your partner is going to find someone else who will be fun and interesting. Can't say I'd blame him at this point.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi Y&C

it's pretty normal for new dads to take a while to adjust. I know that when I became a father it was a huge change for me. Amidst all the delights and surprises there were some that weren't so welcome. One problem was trying to share parenting properly while doing a very high-pressure job. Another was the occasional feeling of being excluded from the milky bundle of love that was my lady and child - and that hurt a lot. It takes a while to adjust to the new realities of a previously undivided relationship. Hubby may be feeling a little alone, neglected even. As people have said above, it's a good idea for you and your man to make time for yourselves and to get out, see friends and remind yourselves of the fundamentals of your relationship.


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## Young and Confused (Mar 16, 2010)

Dear Turnera,
I thank you for being brutely honest and here are some answers to your questions. Since me and my fiance got together all he could talk about was having a baby so yes, he wanted to get pregnant and was very involved. He rarely spends time with our child and yes he still goes out and hangs out with his friends at least once every two weeks.
I always try to have the house clean and something for dinner ready when he gets off work on the nights that I don't have to work. Every day that he comes home from work I ask him how his day was and I get the same answer everyday no matter how much I really want to talk to him about his day it is always, "different day same bull ****" that I get answered with.
I understand that life doesn't have to completely shut down when you have a kid but I do feel like privledges are lost and as I have said before I am ok with it.
Dear Freak on a leash,
Again thank you for being honest as well. I do feel like I act like a senior citizen sometimes but it is because as I said before I don't think it is ok for me to go out. I'm not even old enough to drink legally so what would I do? Go to a movie? Not what I'm really looking for and me and my fiance have gone to a few movies since our child has been born. However, all I can think about when we are at those movies is how bad I look for not being with my kid. I don't know why I think as I do but I know growing up me and my sisters never had babysitters unless my parents had to do something for church. My parents were very old fashioned and I like that about them. Sure they were strict but they knew what they were doing. 
I think the thing that scares me the most is turing into my sisters whom are terrible mothers. So, I am doing all that I can in order to not let that happen at all. I just don't know what to do and sometimes I would think my fiance might need to leave me because I am bringing him down. But I know he won't even if he hated me because he wants to save face in front of his mother.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You gotta get over this crap that "being a bad mother" means having a life separate from your kids. I'm not saying go out and get drunk at a bar but you can take in some dinner, go for a walk, take some dance lessons, ride a bike,share some activities that you both enjoy, maybe find a mutual hobby? Just because your parents had no life outside of their kids doesn't mean you have to. What's important is that you and your partner continue to act as ADULTS and have a life with each other, as well as with your child. 

I'm rather curious about what makes your sisters bad mothers. You seem to have an interesting definition of what makes someone a "good" and "bad" parent..

If you completely and utterly devote every minute of your life to and make it revolve around your children you are in for bad shock when your kids want to go out and live THEIR lives apart from you. Mark my word, it's not "if" this will happen but "when". The biggest conflicts my daughter's teenage friends have with their parents is that the parents just don't know when to let go and let their kids become individuals. It's hard for the parents to do so because for 15 years they built their whole lives around their kids and once that their kids started to show some independence their own lives fell apart. 

Plus, part of being a good parent is being a viable and strong role model for them as well. Do you want your child to only see you as a boring Suzie Homemaker? I don't know where you got this crazy idea that if you do stuff apart from your kids (though you aren't alone in this) that you are a poor parent but this is NOT the case. But what you are being is a poor partner for your fiancee. You need to talk to him and ask him what HE would like to do and try to become involved in his life, not hope that he becomes involved in yours because right now, your life is pretty boring. Seems like all you are involved in is playing house and that gets pretty damn old real fast. Right now your fiancee is seeing the housework and baby as YOUR life and not feeling involved at all because you have no desire to do anything with him and are looking to strangle HIS life. 

Maybe your fiancee was all into having a baby in THEORY, but REALITY is looking pretty grim. Does HE really want to act like a senior citizen when he's 20 something? I doubt it. Now that he's looking at that situation he's running from it and who can blame him? Plus, you are complaining about him going out ONCE EVERY TWO WEEKS? Holy crap!! You don't even want to go out and DO anything so why should he stay home and become moldy with you? Maybe YOU are fine with "privileges" (is that synonymous with "fun"?) being lost but is he?

My LORD you are less than 21 and acting like this? What happen when you are 35? :sleeping: :sleeping:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thank you for providing more information. I will tell you that, when I was 30, I was still embarrassed for having intimate relations with my husband of 9 years! It's not that easy to grow out of being your parents' kid.

But you are married soon, and it is your obligation - even according to God - to turn your sights toward your husband, not your old family. He and your child - BOTH of them - are now your priority.

Is your bf acting spoiled and pouty? Probably. Buy you guys are really young for being parents. IMO, you shouldn't have had kids til you were at least 25. Why? Because a 21 year old still isn't done figuring _themself_ out, let alone focusing on a baby. 

But here you are, so what to do?

First remember that you are (will be) married. That means that you have obligations to keep your marriage fulfilling. It sounds like you do a decent job of that, but part of doing so means understanding what your spouse feels and thinks. (or trying to, lol) Why? Because you are 50% of your marriage. Keeping it a welcoming place is 50% your responsibility. If your bf now feels like he's done 'living,' it's your job to prove to him that that's not the case.

What to do with him? Wow, I can't even list a 100th of all the things you can do with your bf that will make him feel still loved and the center of your attention. But bottom line, he has to feel like his life isn't over now. Or he WILL leave, no matter what his mommy issues are. Here are some ideas for things you can do to give him a reason to want to come home every day, and to get him involved with his baby:

picnics
bike rides
walks
take baby to the library
free concerts in the park
children's festivals
kids' movies (yes, they are often as much fun for the adults)
throw a party for your baby (other adults have to come too, at your baby's age; we had a pool, and had day-long parties)
take turns reading to your son (yes, he can hear you and will learn to love to read if you do this)
act out stories for him
go on day trips to forests and other beautiful places so he'll gain appreciation for nature
zoo
walk around the mall
science museums
children's museum (they are awesome for adults, too)
pet adoption centers (like weekends at Petco and PetSmart)
cooking classes so you can all learn to cook healthier food

As you can see, you CAN have a life outside your house.

Finally, please don't make the mistake of putting 90% of yourself into your child. Read up about letting your child learn his own independence, about helicopter parents, about making sure your child (when he's older) never gets more than an hour a day in front of a tv or a game machine or a computer - he should be OUTSIDE, running, playing, doing sports, so he doesn't become part of today's statistics of 66% of kids being overweight or obese.

You're doing fine, but just remember that this is YOUR family now, not your parents'. You need to do what you feel is right. Your parents will respect you for doing that; and if they don't it is they who are dysfunctional, not you.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:iagree: Lots of good points here. 

I also want to point out that many people (perhaps your fiancee is one of them) just don't take to the "baby" stage of parenthood. Some people, especially women, seem to love the infant/child stage where the child is all cute and needy, even with the "Terrible Twos" thrown in, but many don't begin to appreciate their children until they are older and can relate to them. I was one of those parents. I remember when my daughter was 3 months my father saying to me, "I just don't get into kids until they are older" and I was in full agreement. As much as I loved my babies I just wasn't into that whole "baby thing" at all. 

Yes, I did all the kiddie stuff like Gymboree and taking my child to the park and pool, etc, etc, but I REALLY got into parenthood when my kids hit later childhood. I LOVE being a parent now, when my kids are 15/12 and I can relate to them as people. My 15 year old daughter and I go out to dinner and shop for clothes. We've done 4 wheeling in my Jeep, skiing, and white water rafting. My 12 year old son and I really get into our computer games and we'll sit and surf the web, laughing at the funny things on YouTube. We've gone to museums and to Funplex to play laser tag and drive go-karts. I just LOVE having kids now and would've gladly skipped over those first 5 years. 

Fortunately my husband was an awesome caretaker and took up a lot of the slack in their earlier years so I managed to muddle through but still shudder at the idea of having to go through it all again. I did not much like those first 5 years at all my children's life. 

Your fiancee might very well be like I was and just can't relate to your little bundle of joy but he might be great about taking your 8 year old a ball game, do Boy Scouts or teach your child to ride a bicycle when they are older. You might want to discuss this with him. This could very well be a factor as well. 

In the meantime, you need to schedule adult/alone time with him as well. Perhaps that means a romantic dinner for just you two after the baby is asleep. My husband and I used to reserve Friday evenings for ordering pizza and watching X-Files or Star Trek (Now we watch LOST ). It was "our time" together sans children. Date nights are VERY important, even if you don't actually leave the house. But to be able to GO OUT and do something fun and interesting and get some fresh air, with and without the baby is important too. Be creative and BE FUN.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> Date nights are VERY important, even if you don't actually leave the house.


 DEFINITELY!

Use your imagination and try to see what would make HIM glad to see you.


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## Young and Confused (Mar 16, 2010)

Thank you for all of the great tips. After my last post I sat down and truely talked some things out with my fiance. It made me feel a lot better to know that he knew how I felt and I knew how he felt. However, I never said that I don't like him going out once every two weeks. I was just simply mentioning that that is what he did.
Let me give you another example however. Friday I let him go to a concert in Salt Lake. I watched my son so that him and his brother could have a good time. I really wanted him to go. Now, tonight, he was supposed to be off work at eleven. I was making dinner and asked him when he would be home. At eleven forty five he finally texted me and said shortly. Now it is one o clock in the morning and I still haven't heard from him. It is things like this that upset me and make me worry. I have truely changed the way I think and act towards him since I started this site and got all the great feedback. So why is he at the bar or whereever he is at this point and not at least telling me, "hey I'm gonna go to the bar for a few" when he knows that is all it takes to make me happy. I just want to know that he is ok and if he needs a ride will call me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's called a boundary. You can't live like that for the rest of your life - you being thoughtful and putting his needs first, but him feeling like he has the right to make his own rules.

Just sit down again and tell him that it is not fair - and not something that you can live with the for the rest of your life. Ask him to tell you why he thinks it's fair for him to make his own hours and to not keep his word. Ask him lovingly. But ask him.


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## Young and Confused (Mar 16, 2010)

Thank you again. I did sit down with him that night when he got home because I was almost literally sick to my stomach because I didn't know if he was ok. He apologized and went on to tell me how scared he is about being a good dad. We had a very nice talk and I got to see his true emotions and feelings. Things are really starting to look up now that we are talking and communicating.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Glad to hear this! Communication is an important first step. :smthumbup: You sound like you are being very reasonable and hopefully he'll be open and honest with you and you can work things out. The least he can do is call you and let you know when he's coming home when you are being cool about his going out. That's not too much to ask at all. Hopefully he'll be more considerate in the future. It might take time for him to change his ways so be patient.

Next time there is a concert get a sitter and go with him. No excuses.


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## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

I have been married for 5 years before my wife and I had our daughter, and belive me, it was a very difficult adjustment for both myself and my wife. We had no problem devoting all our attention to our daughter, but didn't give much to each other. Is he very involved with your child? If so, just be patient and give him some time and hopefully he'll come around.


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## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

Good advice. Try getting more involved with his interests and have fun together. I know it may be hard to find a sitter, but making a small effort can get you big rewards.


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## Young and Confused (Mar 16, 2010)

We took one night this last week and went out just the two of us. We didn't do much special just went to hastings but to us, that was a fun night. I really do appreciate all of the advice. Things are starting to look up and now that my son is getting to the age of more interaction, my fiance is starting to take a turn. I think all he want his the time with our son when he can sit and watch cartoons. As you guys mentioned earlier, he isn't much into his baby stage and I have started to see that that is ok.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I don't blame you for being upset with him for being late and not calling, that's very disrespectful. Does he understand that he's not going to get yelled at when he calls after work to hang out at the bar? He might think it easier to apologize than ask for permission. Talk to him about it.

The other posters all made good points, and as a mother of 2 I can tell you I made many mistakes with my H after my 1st was born. I somehow got it in my head that I would be unduly burdening him if I asked for help, or made him get up at 2 a.m once in a while. I also got mad that he didn't just jump in on his own. What would I do differently now? Absolutely be more adamant about his involvement for one thing, but also I would have made us more of a priority. We did go out and have fun, but at home it was all about the baby, or how tired I was. I have since read so many articles and books that say parents need to keep the marriage top priority, not the kids. Not that you neglect your children for your spouse, but that you pay attention to each others needs. Not just asking about the other one's day, but making the difficult effort of pushing past the tired and connecting with your spouse in a way that doesn't involve your child.

As a mother and soon to be wife, you have to understand that in order to raise a happy child, the parents must be happy. Believe me, if you ignore him long enough, he will go elsewhere. If you ignore you long enough, your child will suffer. You did not stop being you because you became a mom. I let myself get lost in my children and the day to day details, and now I'm paying for it.

On a side note, I didn't fully adjust to being a parent until my second one came along. I had to keep telling myself that no, I was not babysitting and her parents were not coming to get her. My point is it can be difficult for mother and father to adjust.


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