# Should my friend know that her husband may be cheating?



## Bhaliwood (Jul 17, 2015)

Hey all - 

Looking for some advice for a rather complicated situation. This is long-winded, but I think the context is necessary.

I have a group of friends that meet regularly for coffee twice a month. Every now and then, a newcomer will join the group. One of the newer girls, who I'll call Beth (I don't know this person very well, either... I think we've met two or three times), recently sent me a message on Facebook regarding two very close friends of mine.

The first message was very blunt; she asked if two of my closest, married friends, who I'll call Carrie and Steve, had an open relationship. I responded with, "That's personal. Why?" Her response stated that Steve had responded to one of her personal ads on Craigslist. She said that her ad was a "hook up" ad, which featured a lewd photo of her chest (she didn't show her face). In Steve's response, he gave a photo of himself, sans wedding ring, and used a different name. Apparently she responded back with "Considering Carrie is out of town right now, I guess we should get started soon, huh? I'm very disappointed in you, Steve."

Beth initially asked me if Steve and Carrie had an open relationship and wanted advice on what to do. I told her that I was completely blindsided and unsure, so I wanted to take some time to think about the approach. We agreed that we'd hold off on doing anything until we considered a game plan. Carrie was going to be traveling off and on for a few months, so I wanted to wait until she was settled for longer than a few days. Who wants to travel for work with this mess in the back of their minds?

I haven't seen the ad that Beth was talking about, but she did forward me his *incriminating* email. I have to say that it's not *entirely* damning from my perspective, considering the lack of context. She won't let me see the original ad she placed (she said she deleted it). His response was largely conversational; Dr. Who references, jokes, etc. But, the last line had said something like "We can talk and see where it goes from there. If nothing, I could always use another friend." Could she be misinterpreting? Or, is he really a terrible guy and his wife needs to know? It's hard for me to judge being an outsider of the situation and going off of very little evidence.

Now, this girl rarely at our get-togethers. She's somewhat dramatic - always talking about her family's issues with depression, her illnesses, gossip, she'll rudely interject in conversations, point out negatives, etc. So, we've all kept her at a distance. I later found out that she's the stepsister of an old coworker, who has told me that Beth is "nuts." Not sure if the context helps here, but I think it's worth noting that she seems unstable.

Beth showed up to the last event, unexpectedly, and sat next to Steve. She stared at me the entire time and seemed highly combative, which completely threw me off guard. I was afraid she was going to cause a scene. When Steve and Carrie left, I promptly left as well, not sure of how to approach this Beth girl.

Strangely, Steve, who is rarely at these events, has started coming to every single one and has been very involved in our conversations. This is the biggest element that makes me suspicious of him - I think he knows that someone in this group is aware and he's trying to keep the conversation from going in an incriminating direction.

After Beth's appearance, I hadn't talked to her for almost two weeks. I just don't know what to say or do.

Then, just yesterday, Beth sends a message to Carrie publicly on Facebook and asks if she'll be at the get-together tomorrow. Not sure of what she's planning on doing, I sent Beth a message and asked if she was planning on telling Carrie in front of everyone. She said no, but she was very combative and emotional (said that I was "attacking" her, but all I had said was that I was worried about how she was approaching it and hoped she'd talk with me first - nothing menacing at all). She abruptly turned the conversation to say that I was avoiding her, that my husband deleted her from Facebook (which didn't happen... she was never on there in the first place), that my husband and I were acting chummy with Steve (what are we supposed to do?! Glare at the guy?), that I clearly wasn't going to tell Carrie, and that I'm essentially a horrible person for not bringing this to Carrie's attention just yet. She then said that I caused her to cry at work and that I should leave her alone.

I tried to calm her down and suggested that I take her to dinner tonight to calmly discuss, but she has yet to answer me.

Carrie had been traveling for work, so I had at least wanted to wait until she was going to be in town for longer than a few days. I don't want to hammer her with news like this right before an important work event. Beth doesn't seem to care - evidently, she was going to tell Carrie right before she went out of town, but luckily their schedules didn't sync.

So, there are a few factors to consider:

1) Steve and Carrie are expats - they came to the country together and have no family here.
2) They've been together for 20 years and rely on one another quite a lot.
3) They have very senior positions at the same company, where many of our mutual friends also work. This could get messy for their careers.
4) Carrie has depression, which she's treated for, but I'm afraid if this isn't handled correctly, she'll spiral out of control.
5) Beth doesn't know any of us well, and I'm afraid she's being dramatic and a sensationalist, not having the capacity to understand all of the important variables at play.

It's a lot of responsibility having the fate of a relationship in your hands, so I want to make sure it's handled in the best way. I do, however, believe that many marital issues should be private, so I don't want to stick my nose in the middle if that's not the right thing to do.

Carrie and Steve are highly private about their marriage, so I don't want to pry without concrete evidence. But, I want to take care of my friend and let her know if he's truly being unfaithful. With her depression, I don't want to see her go into an emotional downward spiral. I'm trying to be as protective as possible, but I'm afraid I don't have much control over the situation.

I'm afraid Beth is going to cause a scene and emotionally scar my friend Carrie. Do I tell Carrie in a safe, private environment and allow her to process? Do I let this Beth girl tell her?

Should Carrie even know about this, even though the evidence isn't 100% concrete? What should I do, if anything?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Bhaliwood said:


> Should Carrie even know about this, even though the evidence isn't 100% concrete? What should I do, if anything?
> 
> Any advice would be greatly appreciated!


Beth sounds like a bit of a wackadoodle, but I do believe that Steve probably did what she said, especially since you saw the email. Beth was probably not the first person Steve sent an email to/contacted from Craigslist. 

There would never be a perfect time to tell Carrie, and I think it's better she hears it from you and not volatile Beth.


----------



## crazyworkingmom (Jul 16, 2015)

Definitely tip the wife off. You can do it casually so she can start her own investigating.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You should tell Carrie exactly what hat you know and that the evidence is not concrete, so that she can be alert to the situation. If it was you or me, we would want to know.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Why don't you just set up a similar ad to Beth's on craiglist (use a picture off the internet) and see if you can't trap Steve?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Lila said:


> Why don't you just set up a similar ad to Beth's on craiglist (use a picture off the internet) and see if you can't trap Steve?


Naw. Tell your friend or don't, I would speak up, but anything else is too involved.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Bhaliwood said:


> She won't let me see the original ad she placed (she said she deleted it).


I think this is odd, but I'll admit I've only placed a few ads on CL to sell stuff and that was a long time ago. The ad can't be found in the archives?

Keep Beth far away from Carrie. She sounds batsh*t crazy.

I would wait until Carrie is settled and tell her everything Beth told you. I'd show Carrie her H's response to Beth.

I would certainly want to know.


----------



## Bhaliwood (Jul 17, 2015)

Thanks, everyone. Your responses really helped. I do think she needs to know, and I'm becoming more sure of that now. I think I'm going to try to beat Beth to the punch. She won't be happy, but oh well.

The good thing is that Carrie has a strong family-like support system here. Either way, she'll have people to back her up.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Bhaliwood said:


> Thanks, everyone. Your responses really helped. I do think she needs to know, and I'm becoming more sure of that now. I think I'm going to try to beat Beth to the punch. She won't be happy, but oh well.
> 
> The good thing is that Carrie has a strong family-like support system here. Either way, she'll have people to back her up.


Good luck. Let us know how it goes.


----------



## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

Bhaliwood said:


> she did forward me his *incriminating* email. I have to say that it's not *entirely* damning from my perspective, considering the lack of context. She won't let me see the original ad she placed (she said she deleted it). His response was largely conversational; Dr. Who references, jokes, etc. But, the last line had said something like "We can talk and see where it goes from there. If nothing, I could always use another friend."!



If you would be alright with your husband sending something like this to another woman then don't worry about it. If it would upset you, then you know it is wrong and you know what to do and you need to do it now.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tell Carrie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yes.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Marriage is public institution. If they made vows, particularly if you witnessed those vows, it is your duty to inform your friend of any information that suggests her H is breaking his. Also if you value continued friendship with her you would advise her of the accusation, regardless if it's true or not, should it become known that you withheld this info you will lose your friend's trust.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Lila said:


> Why don't you just set up a similar ad to Beth's on craiglist (use a picture off the internet) and see if you can't trap Steve?


I doubt any husband would be too happy if their wife did this. I would be pretty pissed if my wife got that involved in another couples marriage.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

richie33 said:


> I doubt any husband would be too happy if their wife did this. I would be pretty pissed if my wife got that involved in another couples marriage.





phillybeffandswiss said:


> Naw. Tell your friend or don't, I would speak up, but anything else is too involved.


You two are right. I got carried away after reading all of the spy v. spy stuff over on CWI. All that VARS, gps, PI's, keyloggers, etc.. stuff can cloud a mind.>
@Bhaliwood, based on your description of Beth, at best she's a drama queen looking for attention and at worse she's a trouble maker looking to stir the pot. Per your own opinion, Steve's one email is relatively innocuous without context. Without the actual Craiglist ad in hand, I would consider her an unreliable source. 

Personally, I would not act as the middle man between Beth (and her email "evidence" from Steve) and Carrie. I would tell Beth to approach Carrie directly to explain the circumstances of that email herself.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm going to disagree with others. There are some unknowns here. At least one person is lying, but are you sure which one? Are you sure there isn't a private "open" agreement? 

I think most likely this is what it seems - an attempt at cheating, but I'm not completely sure. I tend to view other people's private lives as private. 

To answer the inevitable question, no I wouldn't want someone to tell me that they thought my wife was cheating.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think that regardless of what you do, Beth is going to do this publicly. She should've gone around to their house and sorted it out in private, instead, she has dragged you into it and made it involve more people than it needed to. They are private about their marriage you said, so they won't appreciate her going to others before even going to them. If they have an 'arrangement', then they wouldn't want everyone to know about it. If he's a cheater, then it's not up to someone else to blab it to everyone before even telling his wife. That's just cruel. Nobody wants to be in the position of being the last to know that their own husband is trying to hook up with other women.


----------

