# help...



## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Hi,
I've got a few things to put out there but will start with this...

We've been married for going on 12 yrs and I love her and our kids tremendously. Long story short, when I have something that needs to be done like; yard work, band practice, watching something I like on TV in the living room, fix the vehicle... anything that doesn't involve the whole gang coming with me it's like a battle.
I have to wait til the kids are in bed to go anywhere (unless absolutely no other choice). And I almost always get the major guilt trip... 
If I am gone, i get hammered with calls / emails (are you done yet? ohh, I love being home alone!, thanks for leaving me, ect..)

If I try to talk about it, immediate wall or tantrem... 

Does anyone have some suggestions on how I could condition her into not minding so much when I have to go somewhere...

I knew she was like that from when we first started dating when she would get upset or fuss when I wanted to go somewhere whith freinds, I guess the mistake I made at that time was to stop doing stuff!! please help as I sometimes feel like im in prison! When discussed she'll say "i never stop you from going anywhere" but indirectly she does by the way she acts when I do go places (which btw is few and far between).

Thanks.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You've got yourself a 5 stage clinger there.

You need to have a nice long talk with her about needing some space. As far as conditioning her? You could tell her what time you'll be back, and don't be late. You can ask her to only call when/if there's an emergency and call her when you are going to be late.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

yeah it's getting really hard to deal with!! At this point i find myself saying I wont be too long because if I say i'll probably be like 3 hrs she's gonna freak and i'll never get out, then when I get home it's like guilt trip again!! If i ever have the nerve to say I need space it will probably be like WW3 and i would never hear the end of it...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Well, you could tell her that the harpy she's become is making you want to be gone all the time. Nobody wants to be treated like a child or a pet. You're her husband, a grown man with needs independant of her. What she's doing is extremely unhealthy and she most likely needs professional help for it.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm with WR - Have you done something to cause her to be this way? I was, still am, somewhat that way with my H. But he has given me pretty good reasons. But the good news for us, or at least it appears, we are both somewhat needy with each other. 

Also, how old are your kids? That could play a big part if she genuinely needs your help... Is she a stay at home mom? Do you work outside the house? Has she been this way for the entire 12 years?


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> have you done something to show ...QUOTE]
> 
> Not sure if it's a trust thing because it's portrayed as not wanting to be away or alone...
> 
> ...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

strat_guy said:


> WhiteRabbit said:
> 
> 
> > have you done something to show ...QUOTE]
> ...


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## oldflyguy (Sep 15, 2011)

wow...
clinger there big time...
like others have said, is there not something bigger going on..

most women love to have some down time,

Do you take the kids?
Has she been the "only" one to watch them over the years why you do your man stuff.

Do you tell her to go out, have fun. And that you will take care of the kids.
Does she have a "girls night"

If you give her all the freedom she wants, then you need the same freedom, with or with out the kids...

OFG


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

strat_guy said:


> Not sure if it's a trust thing because it's portrayed as not wanting to be away or alone...
> 
> 
> Thanks everyone for the answers... lot's of ppl here


Do you two do things together as a family regularly? The reason I ask is aside from band practice and fixing the vehicle, the other activities in your OP seem like family related stuff really - yard work and watching tv. Just asking.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She sounds very co-dependent. Call her out on it. Tell her it is making you feel smothered.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I'm with WR - Have you done something to cause her to be this way? I was, still am, somewhat that way with my H. But he has given me pretty good reasons. But the good news for us, or at least it appears, we are both somewhat needy with each other.
> 
> Also, how old are your kids? That could play a big part if she genuinely needs your help... Is she a stay at home mom? Do you work outside the house? Has she been this way for the entire 12 years?


i have my blonde moments of stupidity but nothing I can think of... Kids ages are (makes me nervous to give this info,, hope she doesn't find this site!!) 2,6,8 and 10. She is a stay at home mom and that is very stressful for her and I am soo aware of that. I work full time during the day so I feel her pain as far as having me home as much as possible but at the same time she holds this over me every time I want to do something "well I have to stay home with them all day so why should you be able to do stuff ect" it almost makes me resent having kids  and I love them all sooo much! Yes it has been like this for 12 yrs plus 1yr since we met before getting married...


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> is she afraid of something getting her? was she ever the victim of a crime or abuse? clinging to you from distrust is one thing...clinging to you bc she's afraid is another.
> 
> i feel bad for her if she's afraid.


I don't think it's fear but then again i've never had the chance to ask what the real reason because by then she's either mad because I was gone or she just stops at " I just hate being alone or not being around you"... she was abused I think when she was younger by a distant relative, not sure that she would be scared from that though but yeah if that was the case I would feel terrible as well...


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

strat_guy said:


> i have my blonde moments of stupidity but nothing I can think of... Kids ages are (makes me nervous to give this info,, hope she doesn't find this site!!) 2,6,8 and 10. She is a stay at home mom and that is very stressful for her and I am soo aware of that. I work full time during the day so I feel her pain as far as having me home as much as possible but at the same time she holds this over me every time I want to do something "well I have to stay home with them all day so why should you be able to do stuff ect" it almost makes me resent having kids  and I love them all sooo much! Yes it has been like this for 12 yrs plus 1yr since we met before getting married...


Understand about the nervousness. 

4 children 10 years old and under. That is stressful to everyone. I am quite sure she is a basket case at the end of the week. It would be an issue for me to be with them all day and week and then have my H want to run off and do things on his own at night or on the weekends, not so much the band practice thing as you do need your individualism on some level. So I don't really have any good advice, good luck to you and I hope others can help ya!


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

oldflyguy said:


> wow...
> clinger there big time...
> like others have said, is there not something bigger going on..
> 
> ...


I know, it surprises me that she doesn't enjoy being alone once in a while...
I do take care of the kids any time I spend my time with them when I'm home...

I tell her to go out all the time, she doesn't really have ppl to go out with though and she always comes back with "i'd rather go with you guys" so for example when she has stuff to go pick up at the store I tell her she should wait until they are in bed and go by herself but she always prefers going together before... I love doing stuff together too but realise she needs to do stuff alone but never wants to... but then when it comes to me having something to do she holds it over my head "i never get to do anything so why should you?" type of thing...


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Do you two do things together as a family regularly? The reason I ask is aside from band practice and fixing the vehicle, the other activities in your OP seem like family related stuff really - yard work and watching tv. Just asking.


We always do stuff as a family, and both of us love it and would not change that... we play outside, go for drives, go to the mall... all the time  when I say yard work, for example suring the summer I had to wait until the kids were in bed to cut the grass ( I get it, she's had them all day and needs some relaxing time) but now the fall is upon us I have to go before or i'll be cutting in the dark, so she gives me a hard time. It's not like im enjoying being outside just that it needs to be done... 
I have to say that she doesn't always complain in these cases but more often than not she will...


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She sounds very co-dependent. Call her out on it. Tell her it is making you feel smothered.


That would probably mean sleeping in the dog house for days... I would like to do that but it wouldn't be without being told that if im not happy i can just leave ect ect, or she'll just hold that over me forever by stuff like not talking to me or giving cold sholder snarky responses to anything I say or if I try to spend time whith her saying "don't touch me you need your space".... how difficult eh


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Understand about the nervousness.
> 
> 4 children 10 years old and under. That is stressful to everyone. I am quite sure she is a basket case at the end of the week. It would be an issue for me to be with them all day and week and then have my H want to run off and do things on his own at night or on the weekends, not so much the band practice thing as you do need your individualism on some level. So I don't really have any good advice, good luck to you and I hope others can help ya!


Thanks for reading anyway : ) I definitely realize that I need to do my part at home and do so for sure, the amount of time I would spend away in a week other than work is probably like 2 - 3 and it's not every week that I can make it out for practice since I have such a hard time getting out... we'll see what else comes out, thanks agian...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

strat_guy said:


> I don't think it's fear but then again i've never had the chance to ask what the real reason because by then she's either mad because I was gone or she just stops at " I just hate being alone or not being around you"... she was abused I think when she was younger by a distant relative, not sure that she would be scared from that though but yeah if that was the case I would feel terrible as well...


 The first thing you should do is buy this book, read it, and follow its directions: Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. from www.bettermen.org. It teaches you how to handle your marriage well but still have your own time.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

turnera said:


> The first thing you should do is buy this book, read it, and follow its directions: Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. from www.bettermen.org. It teaches you how to handle your marriage well but still have your own time.


Thanks for that info, looks like a great book that I may just look into getting... will have to read at work so she doesn't know im going to be trying to change things : )


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe you SHOULD let her know in such a subtle way. Let her think on it some. And wonder what you'll be doing.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

turnera said:


> Maybe you SHOULD let her know in such a subtle way. Let her think on it some. And wonder what you'll be doing.


yeah that's true though, it could be done... i've got some other things needing to vent out but i'll do it as they come up... i've got issues too that I need to reslove from myself so i know im not perfect but there are a few that she has that appear to be off the top... thanks for helping..


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

I have four kids in that age range and we're homeschoolars. If my husband wanted to go out for three hours a weekend I'd throw a fit if he didn't reciprocate by taking the kids for at least that long. Maybe two or three fits.
Does she have hobbies/did she have hobbies before you met that took her out of the house? If she didn't, that's part of your problem. Or were her hobbies too expensive/not practical to do if you have young children? How would she react if you took some/all of the kids out somewhere so that she'd have alone time at home? Like take the oldest with you to band--my seven and nine-year-old, both boys, can sit with a book for a couple hours, no problem. I wonder, given that you think she was abused by a relative, if that would be why she wouldn't want to ever leave the children with a sitter?
I don't see why the kids aren't 'helping' you with the yard work. My nine-year-old can mow--reel mower, not power--not well, mind you, but can do it. Sure, it takes him three times as long as an adult, but if the kids were 'helping' that might get some of the pressure to do it when they're asleep off of you? Are your kids trained to help with housework or is it all on her and you? Is she trying to do everything for them?. (It's so tempting to just do it for them some days--half a box of detergent put in the dishwasher, then the broom and the ceiling fan collided, at least the fan still works, but it was obviously in need of a vacuuming--now it's the living room floor in need of vacuuming.)


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Sameold said:


> I have four kids in that age range and we're homeschoolars. If my husband wanted to go out for three hours a weekend I'd throw a fit if he didn't reciprocate by taking the kids for at least that long. Maybe two or three fits.


Thanks for posting this - I was wondering if I was the only one that felt that the OP may be a little off with his complaint. No offense strat_guy. I think what got me was the TV show and the yard work as being two items that were listed. Like Sameold, my H does the yard work, but he'll take one of the kids with him outside, or heck, we all go and make a day of it together. The TV stuff - I figured it was par for the course with kids anyway. My H and I NEVER get to watch TV until they go to bed... Well, except Dora, Zoomi, Spongebob, and the countless other kiddy shows. And then we watch a program together once they go to sleep.

Or maybe I'm much like your W and hate to be alone  j/k, but I do feel like with kids, much of the next several years are focused on the whole family and finding things to incorporate everyone in. Just my opinion though.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, so how much time is really spent with each of you independently, with the family, and alone together with only your wife?

You might want to keep a quick calendar for a week or so and see where your time is really going, and when you do, question whether your wife does have a legitimate complaint.

Even if she does have a legitimate complaint, though, you should insist that she talks with you and interacts with you in a respectful way. And you should respond likewise.

Best wishes.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Sameold said:


> I have four kids in that age range and we're homeschoolars. If my husband wanted to go out for three hours a weekend I'd throw a fit if he didn't reciprocate by taking the kids for at least that long. Maybe two or three fits.
> Does she have hobbies/did she have hobbies before you met that took her out of the house? If she didn't, that's part of your problem. Or were her hobbies too expensive/not practical to do if you have young children? How would she react if you took some/all of the kids out somewhere so that she'd have alone time at home? Like take the oldest with you to band--my seven and nine-year-old, both boys, can sit with a book for a couple hours, no problem. I wonder, given that you think she was abused by a relative, if that would be why she wouldn't want to ever leave the children with a sitter?
> I don't see why the kids aren't 'helping' you with the yard work. My nine-year-old can mow--reel mower, not power--not well, mind you, but can do it. Sure, it takes him three times as long as an adult, but if the kids were 'helping' that might get some of the pressure to do it when they're asleep off of you? Are your kids trained to help with housework or is it all on her and you? Is she trying to do everything for them?. (It's so tempting to just do it for them some days--half a box of detergent put in the dishwasher, then the broom and the ceiling fan collided, at least the fan still works, but it was obviously in need of a vacuuming--now it's the living room floor in need of vacuuming.)


Yeah i know its real stressful and I tell her often she's superwoman for taking care of the kids when im gone  and she really is! I guess trying to get the kids to do more would definitely help as we do most of the work right now,, although we've started giving them chores...
she really didn't do anything before we met so maybe that's why we differ so much on that aspect but I did once in a while but just dropped everything because it made her so unhappy when i did do something...

I hope im not just complaining for nothing... that's not my intention, we love each other and love spending time together... maybe im overreacting... don't know anymore


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Thanks for posting this - I was wondering if I was the only one that felt that the OP may be a little off with his complaint. No offense strat_guy. I think what got me was the TV show and the yard work as being two items that were listed. Like Sameold, my H does the yard work, but he'll take one of the kids with him outside, or heck, we all go and make a day of it together. The TV stuff - I figured it was par for the course with kids anyway. My H and I NEVER get to watch TV until they go to bed... Well, except Dora, Zoomi, Spongebob, and the countless other kiddy shows. And then we watch a program together once they go to sleep.
> 
> Or maybe I'm much like your W and hate to be alone  j/k, but I do feel like with kids, much of the next several years are focused on the whole family and finding things to incorporate everyone in. Just my opinion though.


Hi, sorry it appeared too critical in my OP... i love doing those tings with all of us, it just happens that I often have to wait since I need to be in the house til the're in bed to do anything else... and i don't mind that since she's been there all day it's just tough to deal with when i have no choice and its almost a fight...
the tv thing was an example, we don't watch anything til theure in bed either, then we'll lay in bed and wathc some shows together, but if I have the audacity to want to then go wathch something else shes almost offended, once in a while i play some wii and she's ok with that but still gives me a guilt trip for going... its like mixed signals or whatever...


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Well, so how much time is really spent with each of you independently, with the family, and alone together with only your wife?
> 
> You might want to keep a quick calendar for a week or so and see where your time is really going, and when you do, question whether your wife does have a legitimate complaint.
> 
> ...


well a typical evening is back from work, 1 - 2 hrs for supper, cleaning and getting kids ready for bed then to bed, after that we go to the bed room and watch some tv together. Sometimes she watches tv and ill go online in the bedroom with her there or play a few games on the pc but we always end up watching some shows together... that's the normal routine, so the odd day a week or every two weeks i'll get out to go practice but i'll get a guilt trip for leaving and / or not being back yet ect....

ill try to keep a consious cal of what we do for the next little while and see what I can find out


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

strat_guy said:


> Hi, sorry it appeared too critical in my OP... i love doing those tings with all of us, it just happens that I often have to wait since I need to be in the house til the're in bed to do anything else... and i don't mind that since she's been there all day it's just tough to deal with when i have no choice and its almost a fight...
> the tv thing was an example, we don't watch anything til theure in bed either, then we'll lay in bed and wathc some shows together, but if I have the audacity to want to then go wathch something else shes almost offended, once in a while i play some wii and she's ok with that but still gives me a guilt trip for going... its like mixed signals or whatever...


Ohhhh I understand more. Sorry, for all the questions too, just trying to put myself in your situation and as a female I read wayyyy too much into things sometimes. Yes, she sounds more clingy to me now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This was me  You are my husband. Well not LITERALLY lolll

But it's abandonment issues.

I have been in therapy for 8 weeks and no longer let my triggers kck my pattern into play. I am in control of myself 98%. lol. Can't be perfect.

Was she abandoned as a child? It starts there. Mine did.

It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't experience it, but it's a physical thing that takes over and we really can't control until we're aware it's there.

See? doesn't make sense. but IC helps.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cherry said:


> Thanks for posting this - I was wondering if I was the only one that felt that the OP may be a little off with his complaint.


I think the kids are 4, 6, 8, and 10...which means the mom is home alone with...ONE CHILD. Am I mistaken? THIS mom should be preparing herself for the workplace. And the dad should be learning how to step back from what she expects. It's not healthy.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> This was me  You are my husband. Well not LITERALLY lolll
> 
> But it's abandonment issues.
> 
> ...


her dad left when she was like 12 i think... but she knows it was the best thing for them since he was an alcoholic... but that could be it though. I wonder???


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

ok so heres an update on the weekend,, it was pretty good actually...

Sat was my bday, went for a drive in the morning with the gang, then I was able to go play with the music group for the afternoon. was gone for approx 3 hrs... took the chance to play one on her, since it was our anniversary today, we went out last night for supper so before going to play music i slipped by the store and bought 12 roses then brought them to the restaurant so they would be at the table when we got there 

only comment I got when i came back from music at the time i said i would was "well look who's decided to come home", it wasn't an angry comment though so that was good...

so then my wife and i went to supper and a little shopping... was a great day.

Today was just as good, a little melt down between her and oldest daughter caused a fight with them i had to defuse.. then went for lunch to celebrate my bday with the whole family, some good church and off to bed once kids are asleep. watched some tv and she was started to fall asleep so I went to the living room to play some wii for a while... the baby started to wake up and cry, looks like she's coming down with something and puked in her bed so changed everything and put her back without W noticing. hope she doesn't keep us up tonight cause ill have to stay home from work tomorrow if she does...

anyway thought if I write my days happenings here i can see how often there are issues. From the looks of the weekend i'd think i was overracting... well see i guess


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why did you have to diffuse their fight?


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

turnera said:


> Why did you have to diffuse their fight?


We were getting ready for church and a fight broke out because of what she was wearing (leggings with a dress) really didn't go good together  but she blew a fuse and I usually have to go and tell my daughter to stop pushing it knowing it would never end...
W got so mad that she started saying she should just get rid of them ect... I know she doesn't mean it but she's got no tap on her mouth when she's mad and says stuff like that which is disturbing for me and more so for the girls...

When she talk about her friend's suicide I gave her a look as though she was going overboard but I wouldn't have dared to say anything to her...

I'm kind of feeling bad for brining this out here and kind of feel like im talking against her  it doesn't really feel that good but I am hoping to eventually get some tools that I can use to clear these issues with her as well as with myself that I will address in time...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

strat_guy said:


> We were getting ready for church and a fight broke out because of what she was wearing (leggings with a dress) really didn't go good together  but she blew a fuse and I usually have to go and tell my daughter to stop pushing it knowing it would never end...
> *W got so mad that she started saying she should just get rid of them *ect... I know she doesn't mean it but she's got no tap on her mouth when she's mad and says stuff like that which is disturbing for me and more so for the girls...
> 
> When she talk about her friend's suicide I gave her a look as though she was going overboard but I wouldn't have dared to say anything to her...
> ...


Get rid of whom? the clothes or the kids???

I think your wife has an anger management issue. If you're constantly walking on eggshells around her then it's pretty clear she's like a ticking time bomb. The family dynamic you describe sounds like an alcoholics/drug addicts homelife. The alcoholic gets drunk and the rest of the family are on their best behavior to keep the alcoholic/addict from lashing out at them. Tiptoe around them, be careful not to say anything to upset them, basically give them their way until they pass out or whatever.

Does this sound like how you're living?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Perhaps your wife has anxiety issues, maybe some IC and some anti-anxiety meds for a short period of time may help.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Get rid of whom? the clothes or the kids???
> 
> I think your wife has an anger management issue. If you're constantly walking on eggshells around her then it's pretty clear she's like a ticking time bomb. The family dynamic you describe sounds like an alcoholics/drug addicts homelife. The alcoholic gets drunk and the rest of the family are on their best behavior to keep the alcoholic/addict from lashing out at them. Tiptoe around them, be careful not to say anything to upset them, basically give them their way until they pass out or whatever.
> 
> Does this sound like how you're living?


I do feel like its that kind of dynamic in the house but not always.. once she's set off its like that but when nothing happens to set her off it's great... i've even considered bipolar but it doesn't seem to fit 100%... 

she says that about the kids, i know and they know she doesn't mean it, she loves them with all her heart. Just that when she gets mad she says stuff like that... and sometimes it's like the smallest and insignificant things that can set her off. I feel bad because even if we try to apologize after getting her mad there is no way she'll stop being mad.. I feel bad for the kids sometimes they'll be crying and apologetic but she turns them around until she's cooled off. It's not healthy for them to be turned away like that in a moment where the've opened themselves to apologizing... i know its affecting them. For myself I can deal with it in my own way but the kids will probably have lasting effects of this later in life!!


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

I’m the wife that wants the husband to stay home and help with our child, soon to be children. My husband stayed home for a year after our first son was born and I went to work. There were a few times when I got home that my husband would leave because he was home all day and I would have no choice but to do the household and child duties. (I actually had a page about this a couple months ago.) My husband would say that he’s been home all day and needed to get out. His argument was that I was at work all day so I could take over the at home duties. 

My husband works now. He actually works a lot. (I think he is trying to make up for the time he was at home.) I don’t mind doing the household duties when he’s at work, but when he’s out playing or hanging out with his buddies I get upset. Call me clinging, but when do I get the chance to hang out with my friends? My husband will wake up in the morning and head to his friends house to work out, then he makes plans to work in the garage, fix whatever, do favors for everyone and their mother while I do the household duties.

I hate it even more when I work all day and come home to my husbands wonderful surprise of, “I need to go to so and so’s to do what not”. Come on! We can stay home for awhile, have dinner, spend time with our child and take the work and pressure off one parent and split it between the two. I don’t even mind doing the dishes and cleaning house while he plays with our son and keeps him out of trouble. What about time together? When do I get to interact with another adult as “ME” not working me, not mom me, but just “ME”. 

I get what your wife wants. I have the same issues. For some reason, the men don’t think about things like, who will watch the children and care for the house while I’m gone. They think, “Mom’s home and has to watch the children so I can leave when I want.” 

My ideal plan to fix this problem is for my husband to pick one day during the week to play and work out on the weekends in the morning. Be back at 10:00am to help and spend time with family. 

I also get one day a week to spend time with my friends and hang out. You get to cook and clean up like I do and care for our child. On the weekends, let me take a nap. I’m almost nine months pregnant and work 40 hours a week. I need some rest. Take our son to the park and enjoy him. 

I feel like I’m venting more than anything, but I get what your wife is saying. A schedule may work better, but I have yet to have anything work. Men have it so easy.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Perhaps your wife has anxiety issues, maybe some IC and some anti-anxiety meds for a short period of time may help.


Yes that may be needed, I wouldn't know how to bring this up to her though. I don't think she would be very receptive to the idea... i'll try to think of something and sometime to slide that in perhaps..


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

mrs.rmiller said:


> I’m the wife that wants the husband to stay home and help with our child, soon to be children. My husband stayed home for a year after our first son was born and I went to work. There were a few times when I got home that my husband would leave because he was home all day and I would have no choice but to do the household and child duties. (I actually had a page about this a couple months ago.) My husband would say that he’s been home all day and needed to get out. His argument was that I was at work all day so I could take over the at home duties.
> 
> My husband works now. He actually works a lot. (I think he is trying to make up for the time he was at home.) I don’t mind doing the household duties when he’s at work, but when he’s out playing or hanging out with his buddies I get upset. Call me clinging, but when do I get the chance to hang out with my friends? My husband will wake up in the morning and head to his friends house to work out, then he makes plans to work in the garage, fix whatever, do favors for everyone and their mother while I do the household duties.
> 
> ...


I definitely see what you mean, it would definitely be tough to be in your shoes. I know for myself I would never dream of expectign her to stay home after I get back from work only to have me go and "play" with my friends all the time. When I get home it's supper mode and I help out wherever I am needed... I often tell her to go to the mall alone ect ect but she never wants to so we end up going together which is fine but doesn't give her any alone time. 
I don't go anywhere other than music which is less than once a week. Oddly I will go help someone if they ask but that's less than a monthly thing. So with that said I don't understand when someone just leaves whenever they want and don't expect to be told one thing or another about it... I totally get that I need to be around to help and interact with my family, afterall they are my family and part of me. I do find it tough though when something interesting comes up like going hunting for a day with a friend / family memeber or something and either don't go because I don't dare ask if she minds or I do go but know she's nagging at me at home for leaving her again...


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

Telling the kids she wants to get rid of them isn't good. Telling the kids she wants to get rid of the leggings--that might very well be a reasonable solution. Goodness knows every time I've threatened to get rid of the legos (usually after stepping barefoot on one in the hallway at 2 am) the kids have kept them under control for a while.
How do your in laws handle anger? It sounds like she's learned the safest thing to do with her temper is to get out of the situation until she's cooled off. Maybe she's using you to protect the kids from her reacting in the way she was taught to handle anger? Not wanting you to go out would be understandable if she doesn't trust herself.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Sameold said:


> Telling the kids she wants to get rid of them isn't good. Telling the kids she wants to get rid of the leggings--that might very well be a reasonable solution. Goodness knows every time I've threatened to get rid of the legos (usually after stepping barefoot on one in the hallway at 2 am) the kids have kept them under control for a while.
> How do your in laws handle anger? It sounds like she's learned the safest thing to do with her temper is to get out of the situation until she's cooled off. Maybe she's using you to protect the kids from her reacting in the way she was taught to handle anger? Not wanting you to go out would be understandable if she doesn't trust herself.


Yeah if it was only getting rid of the object it would be ok... her dad has a real bad temper like that as well. When she sreams it's like a carbon copy of him. He had younger children with his new and now ex wife when we started seeing each other and boys did he know how to freak out!!

I can see the difference parents behavior has on our own since my parents were relatively mellower, I am more controled in how I get angry and "most of the time" think of what my actions can result in prior to getting mad...

hmm what if she is using me like that,,, that sounds like a possibility, because I do know that when im not there she gets ticked off at the kids for much smaller things than when I am there to interact during conflicts... 

Another thing she does with them that really ticks me off is when she's in the heat of the moment and really mad she'll give them consequences that are beyond reasonable like staying in bed for the day ect for the smallest thing... then when she gets back to normal she'll back off of that.. so in a way she's not sending out the right message, it's better to make the consequence smaller but follow through with it rather than making it astronomical that it can't be followed through...

Like the other day; we have a rule that the kids are not to have their iPods at night because they wake up early or stay up late to play on them so they go in our room until morning. One of our kids came in our room during the night and snuk it out but she noticed but diddn't know who it was. we spent 30 min interrogating them on who it was (this was at like 2am), the person that had it lied. The next morning was church so she said that none of them were going unless we found out who had it and that they were all loosing it for a month until we found out who had it so they all went to their rooms. It went on for a while until the oldest told the truth and confessed. So then the punishment was that she had to stay in bed all day which she only told after she knew who it was. After lunch she told her it was ok but not to do it again. My daughter was sad because she said "well im never telling the truth again" and I know she was wrong but i find that after the child tells the truth you should make sure they feel that it's ok to tell the truth. She still should have had a punishment dont' get me wrong but being told she had to stay in bed all day after telling the truth is not encouraging.. although she should have not lied to begin with... 

anyway too much writing, just placing stuff into perspective and trying to see if im too unreasonable with my expectations...


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

I think im going off on a different topic now regarding extreme temper, perhaps I should start a new thread for this or should I just keep everything in this one??


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

strat_guy said:


> Yes that may be needed, I wouldn't know how to bring this up to her though. I don't think she would be very receptive to the idea... i'll try to think of something and sometime to slide that in perhaps..


does have panic attacks? That would be a big motivator if she did


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> does have panic attacks? That would be a big motivator if she did


nope not that I know of... but when she's really mad its like a switch just turned on, example... we can be playing one minute and then something happens like one of the kids hurts her by mistake or even myself and she flips out like totally mad and screaming!

She does sound remorceful sometimes but she seems to have a hard time empathizing with anyone, she doesn't seem to put the kids feelings into perspective, when they talk to her about they way she treated them instead of listening and taking in what they are feeling she will not even listen and just get mad at them instead...

There are so many things I want to talk about that have been eating away at me for years that I am trying to put it all out there at the same time now that I have found a place to talk about it with some people that will listen... so bare with me while I get my thoughts together


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

Hi,

Update:

Beginning of the week has been good, normal moments of frustration with kids and so on no big fights. Normal routine of up in the morning, kids to school, off to work, back for supper, kids to bed, relaxing time together watching some tv.

One thing that was different last night, we got on a topic of how we would do if one of us were gone... died or left i guess. I began telling her that I would more than likely manage but it would be very hard... she said that she wouldn't be able to do it alone, she said that she hates being alone. I prodded a little more and said "you know you're never really alone, even when im not here you have the kids with you and even two cats" (jokingly as that was the mood of our conversation) still knowing it was a serious topic.
I said "you don't like being alone eh?" she said "no" and was almost crying... I asked her why, and she just said "I don't know with tears in her eyes". Conversation ended there and that was it for that moment... I don't know what the significance of being alone is for her but I know I hit a nerve with the topic... 
I will try to bring it up again sometime if the converstation leads to that, does anyone have some suggestions on questions I could ask her, without sounding like they don't come from me 

I know she can do it, being without me, I have been gone from the home a few times for work (3 times in all) for a few nights and most recently for 2 weeks. That was the most I've been away and will probably not go that long ever again but I know she can do it, although it was hard on both of us (her more than me)...


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## SoHO (Sep 19, 2011)

I am one of the W that is terified being along and i have only 2 kids
When they were little-my son was 3 and my doughter was 7 months a terible accident happend: my son fell on the stairs and crack his head open. Blood everywhere, baby was crying, I was terified. I took my son to ER, left the baby in the house. Bad choise. H come in 5 min from work and watched the baby...thank god she was ok but she was crying...I am blaming myself for my choise for the rest of my life. I have this guilt that sticks with me for having to choose between them. Later on I was scared to be alone with the kids b/c I was afraid that I can not handle them (H had to travel-2 weeks home 2 weeks on business trip)
Now the kids are older and I still don't like when H is not around.
I can imagine her fear of having the kids all her responsability.
Be patient, it will go away....I am telling you from my experience. Now H can go to the gym:smthumbup: and I can watch tv or do my own thing.


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## strat_guy (Sep 16, 2011)

SoHO said:


> I am one of the W that is terified being along and i have only 2 kids
> When they were little-my son was 3 and my doughter was 7 months a terible accident happend: my son fell on the stairs and crack his head open. Blood everywhere, baby was crying, I was terified. I took my son to ER, left the baby in the house. Bad choise. H come in 5 min from work and watched the baby...thank god she was ok but she was crying...I am blaming myself for my choise for the rest of my life. I have this guilt that sticks with me for having to choose between them. Later on I was scared to be alone with the kids b/c I was afraid that I can not handle them (H had to travel-2 weeks home 2 weeks on business trip)
> Now the kids are older and I still don't like when H is not around.
> I can imagine her fear of having the kids all her responsability.
> Be patient, it will go away....I am telling you from my experience. Now H can go to the gym:smthumbup: and I can watch tv or do my own thing.


Those are very reassuring words  I hope it does go away... It's been really good since my OP, of course, but I will surely come to a point of frustration again and will post the situation at that time. 
I have been trying to better communicate, be assertive and also to be more present when I am home. Meaning not just sitting there but being involved with the kids and things that need to be done. Now I did alot of that already but I am making a consious note to do it not just when it looks like a good time to do it...

I can imagine a fear of not being able to handle situations that may arise while I am away could fuel this reaction and do hope it calms down as we go along.. it has been this way for all of our marriage though even before we had kids but maybe it was amplified by this...


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