# Advice...Please!!



## onlyhuman (Aug 10, 2011)

So, I definitely need a woman's opinion...and a completely non-biased one. So I'm on a website...Here goes nothing...

I dated a guy starting in high school on and off (mostly on) for 4 years. He was my best friend well before we dated and we went months before doing anything beyond kissing. I made the idiotic choice to cheat on him while still in high school. We got back together and stayed on and off for another 3 years. In the meantime, I dated 3 other guys seriously and, of course, went on a few dates here and there. Every time I'd get close to someone, he'd come back in the picture as more than a friend and I'd dump my current guy. I loved my ex so much but he just wouldn't commit to a long term relationship. For obvious reasons, he just couldn't ever trust me again. So I met a guy that I really got along with great. We only fought over his ex...he lied to her about being with me and lied to me about talking to her...besides that our relationship was perfect. We were on and off for about 8 months when Valentine's hit. He sent her flowers (she lives 2 hours away) but got me nothing. I saw this on fb.So I kicked him out (he'd moved into my place) and cut off all contact with him. I (of course) went back to my ex. We were really close for 2 weeks like we always were when I was single. Then the guy I kicked out mailed me a long letter saying he was so sorry and that he had messed up and wanted to marry me. He put a copy of this letter online too where his ex and friends could see it. I fell for it and got back with him. I really wanted to get married. I wanted to marry my high school love but I knew it was never going to happen and figured I was stupid thinking that would ever change. I got married 4 months later. Our engagement was crazy. All I could think about was my ex. I dreamt about him, I cried about him, but I figured I'd just get over it since it was never going to happen. I got pregnant and had my son before my one year anniversary. I LOVE my little boy and I really do have a good marriage. But...my ex is still always on my mind. He's never gone away...and not just in the back of my mind. I'm still completely in love with him. I have had dreams about him a few times a month since I got married. They aren't sexual...he's just always there. Well, we started talking on facebook and decided to be friends again. I have been completely honest with my husband. I have not hid it, and we have not been physical in any way at all. I even came clean to my husband about the dreams and how he's been on my mind. I only left out the part about feeling in love with him. 

So...what should I do?? I know me and my old ex will never go anywhere. I have a great marriage. My husband loves me sooo much. He won't even tell me to not talk to my ex b/c he wants me to be happy. Is this fair of me to do to him?? I know it's hurting him. Should I just leave and get it over with now so he can be with someone who could love him completely? I really feel like if it's not my ex, I can't be with anyone. I love him that much even if he doesn't return it. I'm so lost...any advice would be very appreciated!


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Not a woman but hell yes, if you don't love him as much as he loves you, get out. Give him a chance to find someone who will love him.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My H had someone he felt close to and said he loved who had cheated on him and went back and forth. I gave him free rein to keep in touch with her as a friend. I only left him when he lied to me about the nature and content of their emails and about the frequency of the emails and him calling her when he said he hadn't and meeting her after he started dating me and kissing her when he said he hadn't seen her for years. People can't help who they love and sometimes people love other people who are not right for them or for nostalgic reasons, etc. There is no accounting for that it is what you do with that feeling that determines maturity and the ability to have a meaningful, loving, committed relationship with someone maybe who doesn't push your buttons in the same way. I'm lucky, I am married to the person who pushes my buttons. What made me leave him is that he lied to me. Also he listened to another woman's slander about me and let those doubts come between us. I mean, if a person is lied to by their spouse about something important then at some point there comes looking after oneself. It would have been ridiculous for me to stay in a marriage where I would be lied to. Now my husband knows this. Had he told me the truth and given me an opportunity to handle the truth which would have been a reality I needed to deal with in our relationship, it would have been just as difficult but in a different way than the reality of being lied to. Either way it is difficult. But one difficulty is a better way because it can stand the test of time when it comes to commitment and what matters in a committed relationship with your spouse and child. The other way creates a wall that can only lead to bad things and divisiveness. 

I have guy friends who love me. My H knows this. My H has women friends who adore him. That is what happens to loveable people. It is not anything new under the sun. It is what you do with the love that matters, how it is expressed, how it is not expressed. It is okay to have a nostalgic love also you are very mature to realize that after so much cheating that a relationship with your former boyfriend would not work out or would have many difficulties as you would have a lot of contact with your H due to your child. Then you would spend a lot of time dealing with that when it would be easier just to resolve the current issue. 

I found that therapy was helpful for me. You really have to think about what feels right in any given situation and try out different scenarios in your mind and think about reality because reality is where you have to spend your time, so you want it to 'fit' right.


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## chickie (Aug 26, 2011)

This is just my opinion. If you want to stay with your husband and have a successful marriage that will last your whole life, then you need to stop talking to your ex. You should not talk to him. You should not communicate on facebook or email or texts or through friends. You should try and forget that he ever lived. If the thought of doing this is totally unbearable to you and you feel your life would end if you didn't speak to him anymore, then you should leave your husband. 

As the previous post states, you have to try different scenarios out in your mind. Can you live without ever having contact with this person again? What would that life be like? Is that the life you want to live? 

If your husband means as much to you as a husband should mean, then losing your relationship with the ex in order to save the marriage should be a no brainer. However, if you think you would be miserable without the ex, then you should leave your husband. Even if you and your ex never have another relationship again, it is not fair to your husband and you should leave.

Ask yourself which one of these men you could live without. The answer to that question will tell you what to do.


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## onlyhuman (Aug 10, 2011)

Thanks for the responses so far. My H does know everything that is going on. I don't lie to him about hanging out with my ex. We've even all hung out in a group setting (which my H told me was hard b/c I seemed so happy around my ex) I absolutely will never cheat on my H. If it was even getting close to that kind of physical attraction I would walk away from my marriage before I disrespected him like that. I've been down that road once and I'll never go back!

I understand that it should be as simple as just thinking about who I can and can't live without...but there are a lot of conflicts going on in my head. I can't imagine not being married to my H and together with my son as a family. I completely cut off all communication with my ex (no fb, no texts, nothing), but I still thought about him all the time. I feel like that isn't normal...it's extremely frustrating for me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I so agree with Homemaker & Chickie's advice above. 

After the cutting of the EX off -you need to make some new "exciting" memories with your husband, do something unexpected! Plan a special romantic vacation -just the 2 of you, need to stir & revive what you had between the 2 of you.

If the shoes were reversed, would you be insanely jealous if he was talking to an old flame and felt this way about her -being OPEN with you? If so, you have "something" to work with , you will get through this. 

If not, I think you better move on, and allow him to find a woman who can love & cherish him the way we all need in a marraige.


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