# I lied and boyfriend doesn't trust me anymore *UPDATED*



## angelfire77 (Jan 13, 2021)

Hello!

*UPDATE*

I realized I never checked back in, but I left him about 3 weeks ago. As you all said, his accusations and rages got worse, combined with his weekly binge drinking and later on he confessed drug use to me, it got to be too much and I just got up and walked out on him. 

He started accusing me of cheating with literally _everyone_...my accountant, my mom's neighbor (who I don't even know, but he saw a pinned location that I was up the street from my mom's house. I got fat fingers and mistyped a number in my mom's address and was sharing my GPS location), and an ex who I hadn't seen in two years (he found an old photo of us in my phone's backed up files, accidentally screenshotted it, and then thought I was with my ex when I was with my mom, even though the timestamp was at a time when I was sitting right next to him). He insinuated that I even cheated with my friend and her fiance when they came over one night, and my BF had stepped out for about an hour to pick up a few things.

He got an allergic reaction to something and then accused me of cheating and giving him some disease, has called me horrible names and said the most evil, hateful things to me when he'd been drinking/high on drugs. Including times where he accused me of flirting with his cousin's dirtbag boyfriend and threatened to throw me out of his moving car in the middle of the highway at 2am. He's also accused me of flirting with men at a party that he dragged me to, and the party was 99% men (I talked and laughed with random people there, including the only other woman there, but I never stood close to or touched them), and yelled at me to get out of the car while he was driving, too. He thought I had been drinking wine with someone before he got home from the bars, when I was simply relaxing and having a glass of wine while waiting for him to get home. I came home from work 20 minutes later than usual once because I got stuck in traffic and stopped to pick up a few packages on the way back, which I told him about. Of course I got hounded for that when I got home, too. The list goes on.

All your words rang in my head the entire time. Of course now he's trying to get me back, saying he knows I never cheated, he just was so hurt in the past, sorry he took it out on me, and he said he finally started therapy. Too bad it's too little too late...if only he had done that while we were still together. I'm a recovering codependent, so that's probably why I stuck it out longer than I knew I should have, but I'm working on that as well. It took me a long time to accept that he was truly emotionally and verbally abusive and I couldn't save him.

Thank you all for your advice. Hearing all your perspectives was so helpful!


*ORIGINAL POST****

This is going to be long, but I wanted to give you all the full story.

So I've been with BF for 10 months, living together for most of it (quarantined together when the pandemic first hit). I knew from the get that he had insecurity and trust issues, having had an abusive and rough childhood, and having a previous ex cheat on him. We're both in our 30s.

He's always been open and sincere, and does what he can to show me he loves me. Except...he has an anger problem, which he also admitted, and a short fuse. We didn't fight often, but when we did, it was volatile, and he has threatened to break up several times (including storming out for the entire night twice and not picking up his phone or answering his texts until he came back the next morning/afternoon. He only stopped because I told him if he did that again, it would be the last time).

Some other background info...
--Once, I got a random call from some guy I went on a few dates with 2 years ago and blocked, and the guy got a new number to call me on. I told him not to call me again, and blocked his new number, but my BF flipped out and accused me of seeing him secretly and talking to him while we were together. I showed him my call log, all the blocked texts from him that I never responded to, obviously, AND his old blocked number.
--He's also accused me of 'sneaking around' with my motorcycle mechanic, just because he sent me a text about a movie that he mentioned while he was towing my bike (he had mentioned a motorcycle movie that sounded interesting, couldn't remember the name, and had said he would text me the name, along with some cheap motorcycle storage facilities later on. There was no further correspondence after that and I had simply said 'thank you').
--BF also somehow found a Plenty of Fish (dating site) deletion site on my phone, and I have NO IDEA why that would be there, since I never used POF. Then he accused me of being on dating sites while we've been dating, even though there was no other history of me visiting anything related to POF on my browser history. He just said I deleted all the evidence since he's seen me deleting my emails (to clean out my inbox).
Of note, I've never hid my phone from him, was never overprotective of it, and I've given it to him to use during times he forgot his phone or it wasn't working.

After all this, I felt like whenever I told him the truth, he didn't believe me anyway and would just accuse and/or yell at me. Still, I kept being honest with him, until about 3 weeks ago. He caught me in a lie, and he feels like he can no longer trust me. So, prior to meeting him, I had a few male friends who I hung out with, the majority of times in groups, which also included women and my friends' girlfriends/fiancees. I have told my BF about all my friends, but due to it being a pandemic, we haven't hung out, so BF hasn't had the chance to meet them. So maybe he forgot some of their names.

On New Year's Eve, one guy from the group messaged our group chat saying "happy new year everyone", and BF claimed he didn't recognize the name. He pulled me aside and asked who that was. He didn't believe me, so he asked to look through my phone, and I gave it to him. He saw a deleted voicemail and call from one of my old friends from that same group, we'll call him Jason, who called me during lunch at my job, I didn't pick up, and he left a voicemail saying "hey, it's been a long time, haven't heard from you. Happy new year and let's hang out again soon." Now, here's the kicker. Jason had hit on me the last time we spoke, which I messaged him just to see how he was doing, just being friendly. Irritated, I deleted his texts, his number, and the call log, but for some reason I can't remember, I didn't block his number. So he was able to call me on NYE. Unfortunately, when my BF wanted the story with Jason's VM, I lied and said that I didn't get around to adding his contact to my new phone. I should have told him the truth right away, but I thought back to previous events, didn't think he'd believe that it was a one-off anyway, and I guess I didn't want to get accused of something else and yelled at again. I know it doesn't make lying right and I regret not telling him the truth from the get-go. Now he is accusing me of having cheated on him with Jason on the days he wasn't home. We were apart for about 4 days when he went to visit his family, and every single day, I told him what I was doing, we talked on the phone, and I sent him pictures daily of what I was doing at home, and he knew I was at my mom's for 2 days. He still accused me of lying about that.

One night, while I was sleeping, he said he got a "bad feeling" and he looked through my phone and read through all my conversations, even with my family and female friends. He found some texts where I was complaining about him to one of my best friends, during one of the times where he stormed off on me and disappeared for the night, and I wasn't able to get hold of him all night. I was really upset that day and had no one else to talk to, but that was from almost a month ago and I just needed to vent to someone I knew wouldn't judge me or just tell me to leave him. Between that and my lie, we've been fighting a lot.

Yesterday, we got into another fight when he needed my help during lunch and I was supposed to meet with a female coworker (my second time having lunch with someone since I started working here 2 years ago). He got mad and then accused me of secretly meeting with and talking to other men during lunch, and started interrogating me on everything he's suspected in the past. I felt like he was trying his hardest to catch me in another lie. He keeps saying he wants to work things out and wants to give it another chance, but he'll randomly get mad at me and start another fight. 

I've continued to be as open with him as possible. I am seeing a therapist, I leave my phone in his view whenever I'm home from work and until we go to bed, and my phone charges on his side of the bed every night. I go to work and come straight home most days. Even on the days where I go see my mom, I always send him pictures when I'm there, with location and time tags, and he still doesn't believe that I am where I say I am. I've asked him to come with me and even drop me off/pick me up, but he won't. I get home when I say I will and even offered to Facetime him when I get to where I am and when I leave, and share my GPS routes with him. He said I will just leave my phone in my car and go sneak off to meet other men (I'm assuming he meant my guy friends, who btw, are all blocked now, of my own accord). I do my best to be loving and understanding toward him since I did betray him. He won't see a therapist because he feels like it wouldn't help, but he did agree to work on his temper. I told him I'd continue to be consistent and transparent until he can trust me again. He continues to say I'm hiding things and deleting evidence.

What else can I do to convince him that I never cheated or lied to him otherwise? He keeps insisting he's caught me in other lies, but won't tell me what. Have any of you been in this situation, on either side? What happened and how was it handled?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

This guy needs some serious help. He expects you to do all this (and still doesn't trust you), yet he refuses to go to therapy? How exactly does he plan to work on his temper without therapy/anger management? Yes, there are online resources but this guy needs more than that. He clearly needs to deal with his past and until then, he's not a good or safe partner. You can't keep living like this, especially when you've done nothing wrong and he refuses to get the help he desperately needs.

What does your therapist say about this relationship?


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

He needs therapy before he can become a reliable, enjoyable boyfriend. You're living precipitously on edge and relationships aren't meant to be lived that way. His extreme paranoia is a personal emotional issue that he needs to address. If it wasn't you, it'd be someone else. Your need to see a therapist may be to develop coping skills to deal with his dysfunction. 

Lastly, you could do everything right and still be suspiciously monitored and any effort to mislead with intention to assuage his hyper concerns can lead to what you have going on right now. I ended a relationship within 2 months of similar nature. I hated to do it but I had no option. I was in college and she wasn't. I lived on campus and she didn't trust me living on campus with a single room. Her distrustful thinking made the relationship unworthy of having.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Im really sorry you find yourself in this position, take it from someone who knows, you will never ever be in a position of trust, your bf has issues that cannot be dealt with on his own.

He is wounded and will always twist things in his mind to prove to himself he was right.

I commend you for being so patient and understanding, but he will eventually drive you away. At which point he will reinforce his belief that he was right all along and take that into his next relationship.

I know this not because I have lived with someone like him, but because I was someone like him. Looking back I see how I was the author of my own relationship downfall, but at the time I just couldn't understand why I couldn't meet a decent woman.

If he won't go to therapy, its because he would have to face the possibility it was him all along not you.


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## Fenris (Mar 4, 2014)

My ex wife pulled the same stuff. Accused me all the time of cheating, tried to catch me in stuff, etc. 

I'll give you 3 guesses who was the one who cheated and ended the marriage.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You have misidentified the problem.
You think that the problem is that he doesn't trust you since he caught you in a lie.
The problems are, He is abusive. And, He never has trusted you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'd be exhausted from expending so much effort to make this guy trust me. It's his issue, not yours. Frankly, I don't think it would matter what you did, he's still going to be suspicious. I couldn't live with someone like this, but I'm not you. The thing is, I'm not into insecure jealous types who freak out all the time over what they perceive as a threat. 

Your bf has major insecurity issues. Unless he addresses them, I don't see this relationship ending well. JMO.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People like him rarely change. It’s up to you whether you want to deal with that or not.


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## angelfire77 (Jan 13, 2021)

Thank you all. @bobert, I know you said I did nothing wrong, but I did lie to him and complained about him to a friend, and I know that was wrong. My therapist has said that it was wrong of me to lie, and also said that my boyfriend is coming off as very manipulative (I told her that he's said I must not love him if I lied to him).

@jamie, thanks as well for disclosing that. I used to be the same way, very insecure and codependent, but I'm working through that, and I know my past behavior has caused problems with some exes. Ironically, one of my exes had said he lied to me because whenever he told me the truth, I'd get mad and yell at him.

I told BF that while I'm not saying I was right, I did it because I didn't want to get yelled at again and accused of being a liar/cheater, and I knew he wouldn't believe that I didn't instigate anything with Jason to have him hit on me. He said that's a poor excuse for not telling the truth and I'm a big girl, what's wrong with me that I can't handle being yelled at. I told him flat out he was verbally abusive, and he says "well I wouldn't be that way if you weren't a dirty liar. And I'd rather you scream and yell at me than lie."

At this point, I feel like I can't even go visit my mom without him interrogating me when I get home. Last week when I was driving home, exactly when I said I would, he FaceTimed me while I was driving in the rain and asked me to show him my passenger seat. When it was just full of bags, he then asked why I didn't show him the backseat. I said because it was raining and I was driving home and it was dark. He's looked through my phone, found nothing suspicious, and then accused me of deleting stuff, which I absolutely haven't done since I agreed to stop 3 weeks ago. He's since apologized and said "sorry I'm being a jerk, but you've made me mistrustful of you."

He said he doesn't want to isolate me, but he also can't trust me. Last night, he started another fight and I felt like he was trying to his hardest to catch me in another lie. He kept interrogating me, and I elaborated on what happened with Jason: I had just told him Jason said he liked me. Jason had also said 'oh I just moved into a new place, you should stop by one day'. I said it wasn't a good idea and that's when Jason then said he liked me, so I stopped talking to him. BF accused me of lying by omission and that he "knew" I was considering going over, and I wouldn't be able to control myself and I would end up s**king his d**k.

BF also messaged Jason on my phone when this all happened, trying to prove I hadn't seen him since July (the only time I saw him and our other friend, and BF was invited), but Jason never responded. BF then said I must have said something to Jason and told him not to message back. And he continues to accuse me of flirting with Jason and also that one guy who randomly called me, because "men don't just hit on you/call you just out of the blue. You must have been flirting with them / said something to them."

Unfortunately, any old conversation I had with Jason and our other friends was on my old phone (again, mostly we chatted in a group chat with another mutual friend), which I no longer have access to, and I have no proof nothing happened with Jason, since I deleted his texts out of irritation and disgust and no longer wanted his name on my phone.

I don't know if he is projecting, he's told me I can look through his phone anytime. I haven't because I trust him. He said he's been to a therapist before for his anger issues and it didn't help. I'm truly starting to believe he has never trusted me, and has been actively looking for things to "catch" me on. And he said that if we broke up because of this, he may have pushed me away, but it's my fault that I lied and ruined the relationship.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yeah this guy doesn't sound like good boyfriend material. The only thing you said that would cause me any concern is the POF stuff and just because you don't know how it got there, that seems kinda weird, but given how you responded to everything else, it seems like you have good boundaries.  If this is the full story I am not seeing any reason for him to be so paranoid. 

Here is the thing, your boyfriend needs to understand that you can't control if people hit on you only how you respond, it seems like you have been more then open about it and had good boundaries. I agree with the other posters, often times people like this project their own behavior onto others.

I think you need to think long and hard about if this relationship is really healthy and beneficial to your life.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

angelfire77 said:


> Thank you all. @bobert, I know you said I did nothing wrong, but I did lie to him and complained about him to a friend, and I know that was wrong. My therapist has said that it was wrong of me to lie, and also said that my boyfriend is coming off as very manipulative (I told her that he's said I must not love him if I lied to him).
> 
> @jamie, thanks as well for disclosing that. I used to be the same way, very insecure and codependent, but I'm working through that, and I know my past behavior has caused problems with some exes. Ironically, one of my exes had said he lied to me because whenever he told me the truth, I'd get mad and yell at him.
> 
> ...


You didn't ruin the relationship, its so hard hearing this, telling the lie wasn't maybe the sharpest move, but your bf sounds like he is cohesive and manipulative. 

I understand why you did it, I think I would have done the same. But really, is it worth all the obvious pain this is causing you both. But especially you, place a higher value on yourself and set some hard boundaries. 

If you dont feel safe get out


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

angelfire77 said:


> Thank you all. @bobert, I know you said I did nothing wrong, but I did lie to him and complained about him to a friend, and I know that was wrong. My therapist has said that it was wrong of me to lie, and also said that my boyfriend is coming off as very manipulative (I told her that he's said I must not love him if I lied to him).


I disagree with your therapist. You lied to your BF to avoid more abuse and I don't think it was wrong. There is NO winning in your situation. No matter what you do he doesn't believe you, so I don't blame you at all for "lying" to him. 

You vented to a friend because _everyone_ needs support and everyone needs to vent, especially when in such a hostile and abusive situation. Don't let him isolate you (well, anymore than he already has).


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

That ask of you showing him the passenger seat, and then why not the back seat.....is enough material to end the relationship.

This is no way to live. And the fact he's constantly needing to look through your phone tells me he's very sick mentally.

You aren't married and you haven't even dated for a year.

Not sure why this is even a hard decision. It's past time to move on.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

angelfire77 said:


> Hello!
> 
> This is going to be long, but I wanted to give you all the full story.
> 
> ...


You're just dating, end it. He is not in a mental place to be in a healthy relationship. Nothing will change until he gets healthy and you will be constantly walking on egg shells. Having to send pictures with time stamps of your whereabouts at all times is no way to live and not anywhere near normal in a healthy relationship. 

The place he is now he will only ever be okay if you're only going to work and straight home and only going other places seeing other people if he is with you. Even with that he will probably still be suspicious of what you're doing while at work.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, this is a boyfriend NOT a husband. Dating is to see if you are compatible for a longer term relationship.
I would suggest that you KNOW that he is NOT compatible for a long term relationship with you.
With this type of stress/hurt, WHY do you want to continue this relationship?

IF you do break up with him, mention to him that his anger and jealousy is too much to handle and that HE should do himself a favor and get it under control. It's not YOUR fault that his ex cheated on him, and YOU should not have to be the recipient of HIS damage from her.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I don't understand what you see in this guy. He's an insecure, abusive asshole. Sorry, but I'm calling it as I see it. You're starting to doubt yourself because he's brainwashing you into believing YOU are the source of his issues. YOU ARE NOT.

This is the kind of guy who will justify hitting you because you "made" him do it. And don't be surprised if his abuse escalates to that level. 

Please seriously consider ending this relationship. What you have now is no way to live. And from where I'm sitting, I truly doubt he'll ever really change.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Ten months in and it’s this difficult? No. He’s very likely going to get worse as time goes on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Look, this guy is broken. Sounds like you could do much better than to saddle yourself with an insecure guy who thinks every woman, given the opportunity would cheat like he would if he had the chance without getting caught. Seriously. Why choose misery?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This isn't in the right forum.

No infidelities here, just mental/emotional instability.

The short of it is that he isn't healthy enough to be in a relationship.
You really don't have much to work with here.

You should start working on different living arrangements and be up front with him about it.

If he is dangerous, don't tell him anything, just get some help and leave.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

angelfire77 said:


> and having a previous ex cheat on him.


Hey. What it is is, he's damaged. Sounds like he never figured out and thus doesn't have a frakking clue about how to deal with it.
So, knowing this, do you want to take him on as a project? to get him back to who he was before all that?
Or is it just too much? Not my circus, not my monkeys time?
Your call.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Do you understand what the point of dating someone is? I really think in this modern version of society somehow most people have forgotten and believe it is somehow akin to marriage. 

Dating is what we do to determine whether a person’s behaviors, personality, temperament, morals, ethics, upbringing and general annoyances are suitable to our own. If they are not, we cease dating them.

Your boyfriend of 10 months has already shown you he does not trust you, violates your personal property and conversations, is insecure, will never allow you to speak to or text any man without accusing you of having sex with them, and is constantly waiting for you to cheat on him with no prior indication that you’ve ever done so before and is willing to go through your phone and FIND reasons to be angry about it. And why? Because he’s been cheated on? Do you think you deserve this suspicion? Why didn’t he stay with the cheater and have a righteous place to put his suspicions...

Perhaps you should ask him for a list of people you are allowed to speak to and a manuscript of appropriate conversations. Maybe he can buy you a head to toe burlap sack to hide yourself from all the males you might be enticed to screw in public. Or maybe you can be on 24 hour face time so he can let you know who is appropriate to speak to and what tone of voice to use. 

I think you could walk into a random parking lot with a blindfold on and bump into 23 random guys better than this one. I’m having a difficult time understanding why you want to live this way.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Also let me fix the title of your discussion for you:

“My boyfriend has NEVER trusted me”

There. Fixed it. The lying about something that was a result of him infringing upon your privacy and making a stink about a non issue is beside the point.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You won't regret leaving. What you will regret is not leaving sooner. 

Just start getting your stuff out and get your own place as discreetly as possible to avoid a big abusive fight with him. You do not owe him any explanation. He will just pull every string he can so avoid that. Get what you can out discreetly, get your own place, and then have a dad or brother or someone go get the big stuff, if any, like furniture. Then block him on your phone, your email, all your social media and advise friends and relatives not to tell him how to reach or find you. Be done with him. It's only 10 months investment. The more you got to know him, the more you found out he isn't good. That's why you date a long time before moving in or mixing money or marrying.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

It's VERY important for you to realize that the way he's acting about the things you do - he is over-reacts, blame-shifts, sees everything as YOUR problem, shuts down communication, is emotionally abusive, etc - these are ALL things that are used as manipulation tactics and coping skills by deeply wounded people.

That means HE WILL NEVER GET OVER HIS INSECURITIES BECAUSE OF ANYTHING YOU CAN PROVE TO HIM.
Read that sentence again.

You cannot "heal" what is hurting him. The only thing that is happening is that HE is hurting YOU now, and creating damage in your heart and mind that is affecting how you will relate to anyone you have a relationship with (romantic or not) going forward. YOU CANNOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself from being treated this way!!

He is never going to reach a place of trusting you, no matter what you do. In fact, people who think and act like he is, end up continually pushing for more and more control, in an attempt to feel safe -- that means he will need MORE from you the more you give in to his demands.

You need to leave him for your own sake...but if you don't feel strong enough to do that, then take a break and get away from him for a little while, so you can get a better perspective of what you are dealing with. What would you tell a friend or sibling who had a partner like your boyfriend...?? Value yourself enough to refuse to allow anyone to treat YOU this way too!!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its not you who needs therapy its him. He is highly controlling, paranoid and angry. Is this REALLY how you want to live? Even your post made me feel exhausted. 
This wont get better, and he will likely end up cutting you off from everyone you love. Sorry but this may well just make you ill yourself. He isnt in anyway husband or father material.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Stopped reading about half way down wondering why you’re still with him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

angelfire77 said:


> Thank you all. @bobert, I know you said I did nothing wrong, but I did lie to him and complained about him to a friend, and I know that was wrong. My therapist has said that it was wrong of me to lie, and also said that my boyfriend is coming off as very manipulative (I told her that he's said I must not love him if I lied to him).
> 
> @jamie, thanks as well for disclosing that. I used to be the same way, very insecure and codependent, but I'm working through that, and I know my past behavior has caused problems with some exes. Ironically, one of my exes had said he lied to me because whenever he told me the truth, I'd get mad and yell at him.
> 
> ...


If you break up, and I so hope you do, its 100% down to his paranoia. He is a sick man and your life with him will be completely miserable because he wont get better.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just so you know, there is no way to convince a deeply insecure person to trust you. This goes back to childhood, no matter what he says. He's insecure and I doubt even a psychologist could help that much. If so, it would be years and years.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> If you break up, and I so hope you do, its 100% down to his paranoia. He is a sick man and your life with him will be completely miserable because he wont get better.


At the same time, there's also a low-cost lesson to be learned about honesty as well. Low-cost because her lack of honesty could have caused issues in worthwhile relationships. Better to learn this lesson on a throw-away. And I'd throw-away as quickly as possible; there's a feeling I get that this guy could become violent.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He has never trusted you, even before you lied (which no, technically it wasn't the right thing to do, but given the situation I don't blame you for doing it). He's never going to. He's broken and he needs help. This is exhausting, you can't continue to live like this.

Dump him.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

angelfire77 said:


> Even on the days where I go see my mom, I always send him pictures when I'm there, with location and time tags, and he still doesn't believe that I am where I say I am. I've asked him to come with me and even drop me off/pick me up, but he won't. I get home when I say I will and even offered to Facetime him when I get to where I am and when I leave, and share my GPS routes with him. He said I will just leave my phone in my car and go sneak off to meet other men (I'm assuming he meant my guy friends, who btw, are all blocked now, of my own accord). I do my best to be loving and understanding toward him since I did betray him. He won't see a therapist because he feels like it wouldn't help, but he did agree to work on his temper. I told him I'd continue to be consistent and transparent until he can trust me again. He continues to say I'm hiding things and deleting evidence.
> 
> What else can I do to convince him that I never cheated or lied to him otherwise? He keeps insisting he's caught me in other lies, but won't tell me what. Have any of you been in this situation, on either side? What happened and how was it handled?


Bloody hell, this sounds exhausting. I could not live with that.

I'm with the others. You're only 10 months in. Get out. Sooner rather than later.

What does your therapist say?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

angelfire77 said:


> Thank you all. @bobert, I know you said I did nothing wrong, but I did lie to him and complained about him to a friend, and I know that was wrong. My therapist has said that it was wrong of me to lie, and also said that my boyfriend is coming off as very manipulative (I told her that he's said I must not love him if I lied to him).
> 
> @jamie, thanks as well for disclosing that. I used to be the same way, very insecure and codependent, but I'm working through that, and I know my past behavior has caused problems with some exes. Ironically, one of my exes had said he lied to me because whenever he told me the truth, I'd get mad and yell at him.
> 
> ...


Only just read this, too.

My mind is just continuing with WTF as I read.

He said 'he doesn't want to isolate me, but he also can't trust me' ....and 'if we broke up because of this, he may have pushed me away, but it's my fault that I lied and ruined the relationship.'

This behavior is manipulative and unhealthy. He does want to isolate you.

Apologies if I've missed this, but are you close with your mother/family - and have you told them what is happening and how he is behaving?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

bobert said:


> I disagree with your therapist. You lied to your BF to avoid more abuse and I don't think it was wrong. There is NO winning in your situation. No matter what you do he doesn't believe you, so I don't blame you at all for "lying" to him.
> 
> You vented to a friend because _everyone_ needs support and everyone needs to vent, especially when in such a hostile and abusive situation. Don't let him isolate you (well, anymore than he already has).


I agree.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You won't regret leaving. What you will regret is not leaving sooner.
> 
> Just start getting your stuff out and get your own place as discreetly as possible to avoid a big abusive fight with him. You do not owe him any explanation. He will just pull every string he can so avoid that. Get what you can out discreetly, get your own place, and then have a dad or brother or someone go get the big stuff, if any, like furniture. Then block him on your phone, your email, all your social media and advise friends and relatives not to tell him how to reach or find you. Be done with him. It's only 10 months investment. The more you got to know him, the more you found out he isn't good. That's why you date a long time before moving in or mixing money or marrying.


I'm back again... was still thinking on your thread, angelfire.

I absolutely agree with this suggestion.

'And I'd rather you scream and yell at me than lie.' ...I'm all for mature communication when it's deserved, but sometimes screaming and yelling isn't needed. Both middle fingers up can say a whole lot without the need for words. If you were my friend, and told me even half of what you shared here, the guest room would be ready in a flash. This isn't about you. This is about him. And he is showing you who he is. If you decide to leave, don't be surprised if his narrative is that you cheated on him. Maybe the experience of his ex is what you are going through now. Who knows. Although, it doesn't really matter, as what matters is your sanity, self-respect, safety, and making wise decisions. I really wish you all the best. Act wisely.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Hes extremely controlling an abusive, I'd be out of there. I'm sorry but this will not get better especially since he isn't receptive to therapy. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who has so much baggage and issues like this. Not only that but a lot of people who are this insecure turn out to be the people who are unfaithful. It's only a 10 mo old relationship and already this bad, there really isn't a good future here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@angelfire77 you found a deleted POF app on your phone. And you genuinely have no idea how it got there.

Things like that don't just happen someone put it there and deleted it. But if not you, who?

Depending on the time/date when that occurred, then the only person who it could have been was your boyfriend who did it as a manipulative test.

If so, he needs to be out of your life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I was watching a film last night about a lady who was warned repeatedly about the man she was about to marry by his ex girlfriend. Of course she didnt believe her for ages, until she began to see how jealous, paranoid and controlling he really was and got away from him, it reminded me of this post. 
We can only warn you of the dangers, we can't force you to leave. You will be miserable and lonely with this man and he will cut you off from all your family and friends. 

Reminds me of what Megan has done with Prince Harry, she is also a highly controlling and manipulative person.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, some people are really attracted to drama, to high-conflict relationships. To those types of people all the jealousy, paranoia, mistrust, anger, manipulation and control all feels like "passion". 

If that describes you, then you need to work with a good therapist on that. Because it's what's attracting you to men like your current boyfriend and keeping you in this abusive relationship. 

If you're not that person who's attracted to drama, then I think you need to work with a good therapist on your self-esteem and self-respect. Because lack of those is what's keeping you in this abusive relationship. 

You are NOT going to be able to fix, heal, help, or change your boyfriend. But you can heal _yourself_ enough to believe that you deserve better and then find the strength to leave relationships that don't provide you with better.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

angelfire77 said:


> Yesterday, we got into another fight when he needed my help during lunch and I was supposed to meet with a female coworker (my second time having lunch with someone since I started working here 2 years ago). He got mad and then accused me of secretly meeting with and talking to other men during lunch, and started interrogating me on everything he's suspected in the past. .......
> He continues to say I'm hiding things and deleting evidence.
> 
> What else can I do to convince him that I never cheated or lied to him otherwise?


If you're telling us the truth in this thread, then you need to start making plans to escape from this person.


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## Fenris (Mar 4, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> If you're telling us the truth in this thread, then you need to start making plans to escape from this person.


Sooner rather than later.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You have received lots of good advice, but it is difficult to let go. Both in 30's, never married, a bit unusual. Why are you seeing a therapist? No children?

*"Hes always been open and sincere?" You sure? * How did he try to show you he loved you?

He had a miserable childhood--this is a BIG clue. How was yours? Have you ever had a model of a good marriage? He seems to be immature as well as insecure and manipulative. You second-guess yourself and close your eyes and even agonize on how to smooth your path? You have gone out of your way to confess details that might excuse his paranoia, y'all's incompatibility.

Have you ever had a trusting, intimate, connection? Do you want to spend the rest of your life living the way you do currently? Big decisions.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

angelfire77 said:


> Hello!
> 
> This is going to be long, but I wanted to give you all the full story.
> 
> ...


Girl, you two just aren't healthy. 
I see no reason for you two to be together. 
From both of your angles. 
Your angle....if you have been as innocent as you lead on and you aren't hanging and going off to have lunch and guy friend dates all the time and aren't hiding them then it is unhealthy to be scrutinized all the time like this by him.
From his angle, if he is with a girl he trusts so poorly and is so uncomfortable with her amount of guy friends and what she does with these guy friends then just end it and move on. 

You both sound miserable. This does not sound like a good match.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hell if I had to put up with what you are going through I would have likely snapped back and replied for him to draw his conclusion and that I'm tired of proving myself to him when I have done nothing wrong.

My partner and I have had a few scenarios where our trust has been challenged, for instance a cross-talk happened and she could hear a woman's voice on the phone while I was driving home alone (it's a real thing). She pretty much didn't believe me when I told her there's no one, but I stood my ground not just in what I know to be true but where I draw the line when it comes to her accusations. I also told her she's being very stupid because if I was cheating she's not going to get any evidence by accusing without evidence and told her to get evidence first while acting as if nothing is wrong so the cheater would lower their guard.

So pretty much, I called her stupid as well as told her to STFU (nicely). Combined with complete transparency it somehow worked 🤷‍♂️


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## Akeath (Mar 9, 2017)

There is nothing you can do to make him stop this or for him to trust you. Because it isn't about you and your trustworthiness or lack thereof. Before you lied, this was still a problem. If you hadn't lied, he would just make something up for him to attack you for. Because what you are and aren't doing is not the real cause of this. You could do everything perfectly with complete transparency and he still wouldn't trust you. Because he isn't capable of trust. Even if you were locked in a room with no outside contact and he had cameras on you day and night he would still find a way to believe you are cheating. And the more you bend over backwards, the more he'll push for you to go nowhere and have no good relationships left with those around you. There is no satisfying him. You can try, but it will only end up hurting you and it will never be enough for him. This man is not capable of a healthy relationship, and he's just going to be more controlling and isolating as time goes on without it ever really easing his mind. You need to leave, and you need to be careful about it because this kind of situation can easily devolve into extreme control or violence. No one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you. You can't change the way he is behaving toward you, you can only remove yourself from the situation.

Also, when someone acts like this they are often the ones cheating and are projecting their own guilt or untrustworthiness onto you. Since they are cheating, they assume that you are too. They want to keep you so busy defending yourself that there isn't any leftover energy to notice how shady they are being. And the anger and guilt they are feeling is pushed onto you, and when he lashes out at you it isn't because of your actions, it's because of his. And since his actions are the basis for all this, changing your actions isn't going to fix it, because they aren't the source of his behavior.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'll be a wrench in the gearwork here when I say that a man being jealous of other men's intentions towards his wife or GF is not a bad thing in and of itself. It is a man's instinct to protect his woman and the relationship from interlopers. I myself am a jealous guy. I admit it, I don't apologize for it, and it is not a part of my personality I am going to change. But I don't get abusive about it. I simply set my limits of what I will put of with and if she crosses those boundaries I wish her well and I move on. If a woman I am dating doesn't like that creed, then she doesn't have to continue dating me. If my partner pushes my boundaries and tries to test the limits of my jealousy, then I will part ways with her.

Having said that, your boyfriend sounds overly paranoid, and something about his obsessiveness is suspicious. I'll bet if you did some sleuthing of your own you'd probably find out he is either actively two-timing you or has done so in the past. Be that as it may, his abusive behavior is the primary reason you should dump him. He's only giving you a mere taste of what he would be like if you actually married him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Maybe he’s the one cheating? Where did he storm off to and not come home all night?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

You're dating. Leave him. The problems will only exacerbate in marriage. This is too much for a person to handle. I would say he does need therapy. Maybe the pandemic was a blessing for you; helped you see what marriage to him WOULD be like.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

As a man who dated a lot before marriage, I never understood the jealousy thing. . . why get involved with someone like that? And for jealous guys: why all the jealousy--isn't this just a harmful thing to you? why date a woman if all that pain is what you get?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why? Because some people hide that negative side of their in personality until they have their class in you?

Someone with self-esteem issues would perhaps like it when their SO is jealous, as it shows he/she cares about them enough to ward others off.

Then it gets nasty.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The Mighty Fred said:


> As a man who dated a lot before marriage, I never understood the jealousy thing. . . why get involved with someone like that? *And for jealous guys: why all the jealousy--isn't this just a harmful thing to you?* why date a woman if all that pain is what you get?


Someone has been drinking the cool-aide. If jealousy were a bad thing, why would God or nature instill it in us?


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

bandit.45 said:


> Someone has been drinking the cool-aide. If jealousy were a bad thing, why would God or nature instill it in us?


This is a vast misunderstanding of God.

Man has concupiscence. Look up the term.

Mankind also has the dangerous gift of free will.

Seriously I hope you don't believe that Christians and other religious think that ANYTHING in human life is right since we're one of God's creations.


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

Please please please get out of this relationship. I volunteer in a battered women's shelter and I can't tell you how many times I've heard women talk about relationships that started out much like you are describing and escalate to physical violence and even attempted murder. This guy is extremely controlling. He is trying to convince you that nothing you do is ever right and that you shouldn't pay attention to anyone but him. He wants to separate you from your support groups and he'll gaslight you into thinking it's all your fault not his. Trust me you need to lose this guy and the sooner the better before you end up like the women I see all the time during my volunteer work.


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## angelfire77 (Jan 13, 2021)

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who’s responded! I haven’t followed up in awhile but I posted an update in the original post.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

angelfire77 said:


> Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who’s responded! I haven’t followed up in awhile but I posted an update in the original post.



I am so glad you got out. Please stop communicating with this dangerous man though. Change your number if you have to. Protect yourself and never go back. 

Are you in counseling? You just exited an extremely abusive relationship and you do need to figure out some things about how to heal and why you stayed as long as you did. 

I am glad you are on your way to a new life. 🙂


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