# How long did it take to fall back in love with your BS/WS



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Hi all,

I am just wondering what is the average (if there is such a thing) about of time it takes to fall completely back in love with your spouse. Whether you are a BS or WS. 

Not trust because that never seems to come back for most of the threads I read here and I could never trust my WS fully again. But the love feelings after all of the HB and triggers settle down. After the shock and getting back together to work on the marriage. Months? Years? Days...lol?


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

For me, the love never stopped, even at the lowest point. It's a reason why I continue to work at R after every trigger episode. Plus the fact that he has been brutally honest and forthcoming and has done EVERYTHING I requested for working on our marriage.

However, the trust...the emotional dependence...probably never coming back. 

Basically, I love him but I no longer NEED him. It's liberating, but very sad. It's a power/strength I did not ask for. It's a survival mechanism to protect myself should he eff up again.

Sorry, that really did not answer your original question, did it?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Well, if I didn't still love my wife after her A, it would have been an easy decision to walk away from my marriage after what she did - as a few advised me to. I believe that usually, love is not the problem in the aftermath. It's trust.

So to answer your question, the love hasn't changed, but from time to time, I don't like her very much.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm confused on how I feel for my wife. I feel I still love her, but i'm not able to bring myself to tell her I love her. Its almost as if she is not the woman I loved, even though she looks/feels/smells exactly like her.

I guess its better to say I see her as a shell of her former self, empty on the inside. 

She is constantly telling me she loves me and I cant bring myself to tell her back. Its only been a month since dday though.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Never. It can't be brought back from the dead.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Healer said:


> Never. It can't be brought back from the dead.


Agree 10000000000%


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Healer said:


> Never. It can't be brought back from the dead.


So how do you guys make it? Are you still together or divorcing?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

asia said:


> So how do you guys make it? Are you still together or divorcing?


Divorcing, my dear. And it can't happen soon enough.

I realized I wasn't willing to live with someone who would do that to me. That's the kind of treatment I'd expect from my worst enemy - not the person who I'm supposed to trust above all. The person I loved, cherished, protected, defended, supported, encouraged...this person turns around and treats me more horribly than anyone ever has before - how could I still love that person and want to be with them? I couldn't. How could I ever trust her again? I couldn't. How could I respect myself if I stayed with her? I couldn't. 

I decided I wasn't willing to live my life that way and with that type of person. When she betrayed me in the worst possible way, she murdered the love I had for her. It wasn't instantaneous, but it withered and died. 

You have to decide what you are willing to tolerate in your life - what you will put up with from other people. And remember, you only get to do this life once. Why waste it with someone who treats you like **** on the bottom of their shoe?

Life's too short to waste it on people who don't care about you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I never stopped loving her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I never stopped loving him. I still do and I'm moving out in 3 weeks.
As you say, it's the trust that doesn't return!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

I never stopped loving her, I just don't trust her anymore. We are separated and are probably going to divorce.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I don't think I ever stopped loving WS but the trust and respect has certainly diminished. That definitely takes it's toll on the love I have and had for him. Without trust, I don't want to be vulnerable to him. He can hurt me so I am also less loving in actions, thoughts and words. Without respect, a lot of the awe and admiration is gone. 

Whether I can get it back? Who knows? Right now, I don't really see that happening.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Never stopped loving, however the kind of love morphed.. It isn't Hallmark stuff anymore. That's gone. More than the love of a family member alone though.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

BS here.

After DDay, there was seething anger, then the ever-confusing period of hysterical bonding which lead to a R of sorts. I wanted to believe he was telling the truth about EAs only, but as time went on and I did more investigating, it became clear to me that while it indeed was possible that he did not have a PA with anyone, it was highly unlikely that he didn't. Unfortunately, I have yet to find the smoking gun, just a bunch of circumstantial evidence. 
As it stands now, I tolerate him, with a very thin, fragile tolerance. 
On some level I will always care for him, but I don't know if it is love or familiarity. I KNOW I cannot trust him - ever. That is probably the biggest blow to any feeling of love I had for him.

It's a strange, emotional roller-coaster ride.

He is trying to be the model husband now, and instead of it being a positive, I'm annoyed by it, thinking that it's yet another CYA move on his part that is temporary.

He insists he looked but never touched, and apparently is going to the grave with that version, and it is infuriating. I think I hate this about him at this point more than anything. It's hard to love when you still feel lied to.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Some people on here may argue with me saying I never fell out of love with my XW. 
My main battle was with my anger and rage. 

So let's see here, had my DDay in late April 2012. I was on/off reconciling until December of last year. That was when I divorced. 
Then a year of cooling off, living without and away from her, to now. Took that year of being away from her for my rage to finally subside. 

Now my trust, that is a bit more difficult to give out. I am no longer a trusting person, and she is aware of that. 
But I try to not bring up the affair or other topics that will lead to a fight. Mainly because it doesn't do any good. I divorced, what good does getting mad at each other accomplish? I already know everything, why bring it up. 
But it also helps that I did divorce. Because if she were to...go down that road again, there is nothing holding me to her. I can walk away clean. 

I still love and cherish her, I just don't know if I can ever trust her like I use to. I doubt I ever will.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*While I don't hate my XW, I don't love her either. Because if she truly loved me, she would have never done what she did in the first place!

My feelings for her are now pretty much null and void!

Falling back in love with her again? It won't ever happen!*


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