# Wife had an affair and does not know if she wants to stay married



## Frusterated84

Need some help here. I have been with my wife for almost 10 years and married for 5 years, we have 2 kids (2 and 4 year old). 2 Months ago I found out she has been having an affair for the last year with one of her coworkers that is also married and has 2 kids. I imediatly blew up and said a few things in the heat of the moment (I want a divorce, i want her out of the house, the kids are staying with me, etc.) She immediately blew up back telling me that if we get a divorce she will get the kids, spousal support, and the house because the courts favor mothers. Anyways, I immediately made her block the OM from her phone, social media, etc but I know she has contacted him and have called her out on it everytime that I found out. I caught her twice driving and waiting at the OM kids school to see him. I also found out that she created another FB profile so that she could contact him. She tells me she will not delete that account since it is like an "online diary" , bull****. The first month after finding out we were overall civil around each other with the occasional outburst, but since I fould out that she went to see him that second time and has that profile where she contacts him I have been trying the 180. I am going out with friend more often, working out and trying to overall work on myself and my children. I recommended MC to try to see what we can do because I want to try to reconcile because I do love her and I do not want my kids to go through a divorce because we are real good coparents. I have not told anybody about the affair because I do not want anybody to think negative about her if we do work this out. The MC is in the discernment stage because she does not know if she wants to work things out. So i am just in a holding pattern while she trys to figure her crap out and it frustrates the hell out of me. I just want a decision one way or the other. I told her I am not moving out because i love my kids to much not to see them everyday and my wife is to unstable right now in my opinion to handle it by herself. She has always had issues with depression and anxiety and she has some health issues currently that applify these. I found out today that she had a consultation with a lawyer and I got upset. She told me that she had to go see a lawyer because she wants to make sure that she is protected and that she wanted to know what could happen if we get a divorce because she is affraid that I am going to take the kids and everything and she will have nothing. I let her know that that is not my goal in all of this. She tells me that she loves/loved me but it is not the kind of love she wants, whatever that means. I have work my ass off at work and at home and always have and have always let her do what she wanted, looking back on this I should have been more restrictive with a few things because she has always been irresponsible financially and it has been a bid issue for us. I know I have not been the best husband, I am so focused on my career and I could have paid more attention to her but I would always tell her that I loved her and appreciated her. One of the things that frustrates me most is that the OM is a loser, in my opinion. He did quit his job because of this ordeal and my wife tells me that he came clean to his wife and they are moving out of the state back to where he is originally from, I don't know how much I believe but I do know he quit his job and has been unemployed for a few months and they just put their house up for sale. But the quy is 10 years older than my wife, sloppy looking, has nothing, and from the emails I found he is a jealous and possessive a$$hole. During an argumen(pre 180)t i told my wife that her relationship with this coward was a fantasy and she just got more pissed and disagreed and said I don't know what they had. Our MC said the same thing about this being a fantasy and she just said that neither of us know what they had. Overall, I want to try to reconcile this marriage but I am lost about how to go about it or am I just wasting my time. I still have tons of love for her and I love my kids more than anything and I do not want to put them through this. Advice? On top of it since I have been trying the 180 for the last few weeks she is getting mad at me telling me that I am sneaking around.


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## WorkingOnMe

Affairs thrive in secrecy. At least out her to the other mans wife. She deserves to know. 

Oh, and paragraphs are your friend.


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## G.J.

DNA your kids

File for a D

If you love your kids do the above 2 a.s.a.p. (staying for the kids sake I.M.O. is the most selfish thing a person can do)

Do you know for sure the OMs wife was informed or did your WW tell you ?

Go hard at the 180

If she starts to fight for you the D it can be stopped at any time and will also give you time to regroup your thinking


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## NoChoice

OP,
Your W lacks the necessary mental capacity to realize what she has done/is doing. Therefore, if you wish to have any chance of salvaging this marriage she must be awakened from her fantasy. You do not know what they had but I do. They had an inconsiderate, ill thought out, selfish, dishonorable tryst wherein two families now stand to be destroyed. What does she think it was? Any answer involving love, commitment and any other serious considerations simply serves to prove that she is too mentally underdeveloped to understand.

So, really what options do you have? I would expose to everyone, save the children at this time and make her explain herself to her family, friends and whomever else. Then I would tell her that she does not get to call any shots presently and that since she is showing no remorse or contrition that you have decided to D and find someone who will love you and be faithful. In order for this to have a chance however, you need to be prepared to follow through. If she snaps out of her fairy tale mindset and sees what she is about to lose then you can stop the process and attempt R. If she does not, then any R attempt would be destined to fail since she would not be all in for it.

I regret having to say this but if she is unsure whether she wants to work on the marriage or not is a bad indicator. Bringing her to that point, if she is not arriving there on her own, is almost, if not completely, impossible. Even counseling will not be effective unless she wants it to work and it does not appear she does. I wish you strength and good fortune.


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## Lostinthought61

does the OM wife know about this ?


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## bandit.45

*THE 180*


So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.



2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## jsmart

You can't believe a word she's saying. Cheaters lie, For a year she's been living a double life. Betraying you and the kids. I mean she started banging a married father when she herself had a 1 year old at home. Talk about evil. 

Woman who do that are neglectful toward their kids. So much emotional energy goes to affair partner, that she has nothing left for kids let alone the husband.
DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR HER WH0RING. It ridiculous how many BH come here blaming the fact that they're busting their asses providing a good life for their family. STOP IT.

I know you don't want to divorce but you have to be willing to destroy the marriage if even want a chace to save it. The course you're on leads to a one-way open marriage. Read the threads. You'll see many husbands with similar stories displaying weakness and taking divorce off the table. The WWs tear those guys apart. The husbands that go Shock and Awe from a strong frame, have remorseful wives that quickly come out of the fog.

Do the following TODAY:
1. complete 180 (help you detach, you're being too needy now)
2. file d ( you can stop process later)
3. expose to her family, friends. ( she needs shame & consequences)
4. expose POS to his wife. (her wrath will have him throw your wife under the bus)
5. kick her out of marital bed. (let her sleep on couch)
6. separate the finances (no wh0ring on your dime)
7. work on yourself (gym, clothes, hair, hygiene, etc)


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## sparrow555

Haven't read the post yet but if she had the affair and you found out about it, why does she still think she has the option to stay or not ?Remove the option from her


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## eric1

You need to knock her out of the fog and keep things moving. In order to save the marriage you need to be willing to lose the marriage.

You NEED to: 

Consult with a lawyer and have divorce papers written up. The divorce can be "recalled" at any time. the primary purpose here is to force her into a decision. YOU CANNOT REMAIN IN INFIDELITY FOR ONE DAMN SECOND LONGER.
The #2 thing that BURNS AFFAIRS TO THE GROUND is exposure. Her boyfriends wife knows she says? Well guess what. The instant you read this message your NUMBER ONE GOAL IN LIFE is to confirm this with the wife yourself, on the phone and AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. She may not know about the continued contact, even if your wife was initially telling the truth.
You need to start a journal. Make it here, a notebook or a file on your computer. Whatever. There will be a time when you need to maintain a level focus and this is the only way that you'll be able to keep yourself honest.
There are other items but those are the important one. Remember, you are in shock right now so the ENTIRE purpose of these initial stages is to get you out of them, and to get out of them you need to come from a level of empowerment. You get empowered by doing things that make a difference and by deciding that this is your world, nobody else can shape it but you. The action also keeps you busy, dwelling on stuff is easy at this stage. Pity Parties can wait.

*YOU MUST SPEAK TO THE OTHER WIFE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND NO WAY IN HELL CAN YOUR WIFE KNOW THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS.​*"My name is XXXX and I am the husband of the wife that your husband is having an affair with" is ALL You need to say.


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## GusPolinski

Expose, 180, and divorce.

Also DNA your kids.


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## Lostme

She does not seem to be showing any remorse for her actions, and until she does there will not be any hope in moving on. She seems to think they had something really special (yuck).

You are not going to get much out of her, until she can show she is remorseful, until then I would not believe anything she says or does. Sounds like she went to a lawyer to cover her *ss if I was you I would have already been in a lawyer's office. With you wanting to keep this a big secret from family and friends you are not going to be able to out the affair, which is something that is helpful to lead her to remorse, and give you support from people who know you.

She is only caring about herself, I bet she did not even give the full truth to the lawyer she spoke with. Do not let her worry you with alimony etc not all married couples have to pay that after divorce it depends on the state etc.


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## Evinrude58

Here is the simple answer that you are wanting to avoid at all costs. 

DIVORCE your wife.

You don't want to. You will try to be nice, have sex with her, spend money on her, and everything else you can think of to make her want you. And the result is that it will repulse her and you will be wondering what the **** is causing a response like this after being treated like a Queen.

You will try to go to counseling(you already are...)

She will give you mixed signals, mind-f*** you, etcetera, until you think it's all YOUR fault. You'll believe it.

Believe nothing she says, good or bad. It's all lies.

The truth: she no longer cares about you and you will not even recognize her as the person you once knew, she will take your money and your kids, and will drop you like a ton of bricks, and YOU will still have her on a pedestal and wonder why you screwed up and treated her so badly that she had to fall in love with another man.

Some wackos on here will tell you to work on yourself and you can attract her back to you. It's all bs. She is gone. She ain't coming back and if she does, it will be after she has hit rock bottom.

What to do? 
Get a lawyer, get her gone and divorced as soon as possible. It will cost you. There's no way around it. Try to get 50/50 custody.
Force yourself to not backslide. You will be like a crack addict wanting to talk to her and straighten it all out. Don't!!! 

As soon as you can, start exercicing and practice focusing on anything but her.

I am so sorry. I wish there was a solution. I know you are hurting. But divorce her and never look back. Once this sh** starts, it will not get better.

Read "my wife thinks she's in love w a coworker". It's long but may be helpful to see how these things progress. All of your emotions will cause you to so the opposite of what you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

Frusterated84 said:


> Need some help here.
> 
> I have been with my wife for almost 10 years and married for 5 years, we have 2 kids (2 and 4 year old).
> 
> 2 Months ago I found out she has been having an affair for the last year with one of her coworkers that is also married and has 2 kids.
> 
> I imediatly blew up and said a few things in the heat of the moment (I want a divorce, i want her out of the house, the kids are staying with me, etc.)
> 
> She immediately blew up back telling me that if we get a divorce she will get the kids, spousal support, and the house because the courts favor mothers.
> 
> Anyways, I immediately made her block the OM from her phone, social media, etc but I know she has contacted him and have called her out on it everytime that I found out.
> 
> I caught her twice driving and waiting at the OM kids school to see him.
> 
> I also found out that she created another FB profile so that she could contact him.
> 
> She tells me she will not delete that account since it is like an "online diary" , bull****.
> 
> The first month after finding out we were overall civil around each other with the occasional outburst, but since I fould out that she went to see him that second time and has that profile where she contacts him I have been trying the 180.
> 
> I am going out with friend more often, working out and trying to overall work on myself and my children.
> 
> I recommended MC to try to see what we can do because I want to try to reconcile because I do love her and I do not want my kids to go through a divorce because we are real good coparents.
> 
> I have not told anybody about the affair because I do not want anybody to think negative about her if we do work this out. The MC is in the discernment stage because she does not know if she wants to work things out.
> 
> So i am just in a holding pattern while she trys to figure her crap out and it frustrates the hell out of me.
> 
> I just want a decision one way or the other. I told her I am not moving out because i love my kids to much not to see them everyday and my wife is to unstable right now in my opinion to handle it by herself.
> 
> She has always had issues with depression and anxiety and she has some health issues currently that applify these. I found out today that she had a consultation with a lawyer and I got upset.
> 
> She told me that she had to go see a lawyer because she wants to make sure that she is protected and that she wanted to know what could happen if we get a divorce because she is affraid that I am going to take the kids and everything and she will have nothing.
> 
> I let her know that that is not my goal in all of this. She tells me that she loves/loved me but it is not the kind of love she wants, whatever that means.
> 
> I have work my ass off at work and at home and always have and have always let her do what she wanted, looking back on this I should have been more restrictive with a few things because she has always been irresponsible financially and it has been a bid issue for us.
> 
> I know I have not been the best husband, I am so focused on my career and I could have paid more attention to her but I would always tell her that I loved her and appreciated her.
> 
> One of the things that frustrates me most is that the OM is a loser, in my opinion. He did quit his job because of this ordeal and my wife tells me that he came clean to his wife and they are moving out of the state back to where he is originally from, I don't know how much I believe but I do know he quit his job and has been unemployed for a few months and they just put their house up for sale.
> 
> But the quy is 10 years older than my wife, sloppy looking, has nothing, and from the emails I found he is a jealous and possessive a$$hole.
> 
> During an argumen(pre 180)t i told my wife that her relationship with this coward was a fantasy and she just got more pissed and disagreed and said I don't know what they had.
> 
> Our MC said the same thing about this being a fantasy and she just said that neither of us know what they had. Overall, I want to try to reconcile this marriage but I am lost about how to go about it or am I just wasting my time.
> 
> I still have tons of love for her and I love my kids more than anything and I do not want to put them through this. Advice? On top of it since I have been trying the 180 for the last few weeks she is getting mad at me telling me that I am sneaking around.


Fixed your formating problem. I could see where you had tried to place the paragraph breaks. 

Anyways... Sorry you had to look for us, but glad you found us.

Firstly, get checked for STDs.

Then demand that you have DNA tests on the children. This is not necessarily to establish fatherhood of the children (but that can sometimes happen) in this context it is to send a very important message to your wife: "Wife, by your actions you have forced me to, unwillingly, question every aspect of our relationship from day 1. 

"I can no longer trust anything you ever said or did throughout our time together. If you want me to trust you again, you are going to have to try damned hard!"

Then ask her this question: "You cheating on me is bad enough. But how can you justify cheating on your own children, of potentially cheating them out of a loving family?"


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## kenmoore14217

*Exposure * *exposure* * exposure !!!!!!!!!!*


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## Juicer

If she doesn't know if she wants to stay married, make the decision for her. 
By filing for divorce. 

She'll make her mind up pretty fast after that.


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## sirwonder

She's way too far gone to reconcile with. I was in a similar situation, and my WW actually wanted to try and fix the marriage and definitely didn't want divorce. But I filed after 12 excruciating months of disappointment. I wish I had done it immediately. You'll regret the lost time if you don't make that decision now. 

My marriage counselor said something I will never forget. 

"Once a woman's light shuts off for you, rarely does it ever turn back on again."


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## 6301

Stop playing into her hand. First thing is to let everyone know about the affair. If she gets pissed then it's her own fault. Second, open your own bank accounts and credit cards. You said she's bad with finances so why let her wreck any more of it.

Throw her ass out of the bedroom. Let her know that she can either sleep on the couch, spare room or at the OM's house. 

Get a lawyer and cover yourself because your going to need it. She already told you that in her mind your going to be paying out of the nose so you need legal advice.

Call the OM wife and let her know that you know and compare notes with her. She might know things you don't.

Last, stop playing games with your wife. Put the ball in her court and let her be the one to carry her own dirty laundry around her neck. This is not the time to play nice. She already took the gloves off and you better PDQ or you lose.


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## Marc878

Full exposure will probably stop the affair. The longer it lasts the worse for you.

They are going to destroy your life, family and future. They do not care about what happens to you at this moment.

You'd better get strong right now and take control of the situation. What are you afraid of???

Being nice and keeping quiet will work well for your wife and the other man. Not so much for you. 

Wake up and get moving. Setting around waiting for her to make up her mind???? Cmon man!!! Get your respect back!


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## Popcorn2015

She is lying when she says the OM told his wife.


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## Marc878

If you haven't figured this out. Cheaters lie, hide and deny. A lot.

I'd bet his wife does not know.

You can not trust anything that comes out of her mouth at this point.

It's the same every time we see this.

It's done to keep you quiet. So far it seems like it's working well for her.


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## Marc878

You should read No More Mr Nice Guy.

Sounds like she's lost respect for you.

Being weak and passive is very unnattractive to a woman.

You'd be wise to pay attention to this.


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## ThePheonix

jsmart said:


> You can't believe a word she's saying. Cheaters lie,


Actually he can believe some of the things and she is making it crystal clear. Its in womanese and he need to decipher. 

_The MC is in the discernment stage because she does not know if she wants to work things out. 

Means she's rather not but wishes to keep her options open


She told me that she had to go see a lawyer because she wants to make sure that she is protected and that she wanted to know what could happen if we get a divorce because she is affraid that I am going to take the kids and everything and she will have nothing. 

Means she's going after ever dime she can get.

She tells me that she loves/loved me but it is not the kind of love she wants,

Means she has lost romantic interest to the point that his love making just don't do it for her
_


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## Marc878

A lot of people come here and get good advice but never follow it.

At this point you are letting life take you where it wants.

What you should be doing is making life what you want it to be. No one is going to do it for you.
The Calvary isn't coming. This is something you have to do. 

It can be done. But you have to be man enough to step up and do it.

Can you be a man or not?????? Thats the big question here.


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## DanielleBennett

Don’t push her, just let her know how this whole thing has made you feel and how betrayed you are. If she is adamant on not working on the marriage then just tell her that you are not going to beg for her to come back or chase her around because she was the one who did wrong. Do your 180. Don’t ask her where she’s been or who she is talking to. You do you and spend more time with the kids and take care of yourself. Pretend that she is just a roommate, don’t sleep in the same room, but don’t take the couch either. She messed up she can have the couch. Who cares if she got a consultation for a lawyer. You know what is going to happen? She is going to wait around and see if this guy will leave his wife and family for her and when he realizes that he won’t, she will either try to come back or she will regret leaving you. Question is, would you be willing to take her back after that? Would you feel nervous of her doing it again? It will take a lot of work to repair the marriage and to build the trust back up, if it even can.


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## Frusterated84

Thanks for the blunt responses, I needed those. I can definitely see that I need to man up. Its crazy because I have always been the type to man up, its just crazy how much this typr of thing can screw with my head. I can definitrly see how she is shifting this whole thing on me and acting like I am the one doing something wrong. 

Like tonight when I got home from work I came in and started to talk to my kids and ask them about their day and play with them, I was still pissed about finding out that she saw a lawyer earlier so I said hi to her and but that was about it. A few minutes later she asks me what my deal is and I tell her "I dont have a deal" as I proceeded to get dinner ready (because my wife cannot cook). She tells me that I am being a jerk because I am being short with her and she proceeds to tell me about how at least she is being civil because she asked me about my day. I kept my cool and told her I am being civil I just don't have anything to say. She then started to go on about how I am keeping things from her and setting up things without consulting with her. She starting getting upset about how I have gone out 2 night over the last week and got upset because she found out that i am going to a Hockey game next week and I didn't let her know about it yet and that she is upset because she doesn't like me setting things up without coordinating because she may have something going on like a counseling/doctor appointment or work. I didnt want it to get heated in front of the kids so I just told her that just like every other time, I would handle it, its not hard to get a sitter if needed. I also told her this is a two way street. She has been doing nothing but hiding stuff from me for the last year and once she starts telling me what is going on.

She knows that with my job I have to go out with clients and I get taken out by subs, this is nothing new. The only difference is that I used to always feel like it was important to run it past her to make sure that it worked out with her work schedule but since I found out that on the nights when shes would say she had to work late she was really hooking up with that loser I don't feel the need to check with her as much. I let her know but I don't ask. 

My wife only really works 3 days a week and I probably should have noticed something was going on sooner than I did because there was no reason for her to work late at her job but she would always say that there was a lot of orders and they needed more help so she would tell me she was staying for a few more hours. Later I also found out she would use her PTO and leave work a few hours early to meet up with the OM so that her pay check would not reflect this.

After reading all of these posts I am definitely going to set up separate accounts and let her know that I will continue to pay for our kids and the house bills but i am not going to cover her personal expenses for the foreseeable future. I am confident that both of my kids are mine since they both look way to much like me and we were trying each time to have children at the time. I am also going to reach out to the OMs wife, I just need to figure out how to do this? Any ideas? I have no idea how to find her number. What are your guys input on confronting the OM. I work a couple miles from his house and I want to confront this guys to let him know what a piece of SH** he is. I still am not sure about filing for a divorce quite yet because I actually do believe that she is scared and was just looking into the possibilities because she would have no way to pay a lawyer right now, especially if she cannot have access to my wages.


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## MyTurn

Op sorry for your pain,
First of all when she trys to get a response out of you just say: sorry you feel that way.
Also do the 180.
Be very careful what you say or write to her because she maybe setting you up (she has loweyered up).
Keep a VAR on you so you can record what she says in case she trys to make any false allegations of domestic violence.
Time to lowyer up too.


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## Marc878

You know his name. Look online, Facebook etc. for his wife's name. 

Full exposure should have already been done. Get your evidence, texts, phone messages, phone bills, etc. line up family, friends of his and hers. If it's work related them too.

She'll be p!ssed but at this point it's better to have her p!ssed off than you p!ssed on. 

Get her phone messages, recovery of deleted messages etc and store them in a secure location.

Be prepared for what may come. Get your azz moving!


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## Marc878

Http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...vidence-post.html?highlight=standard+evidence

This will get you started. You want control of the situation this will get you started.


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## Mr Blunt

*At this point she is NOT remorseful or broken. You will never have a successful R until she gets to that point.*


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## Marc878

Frusterated84 said:


> Thanks for the blunt responses, I needed those. I can definitely see that I need to man up. Its crazy because I have always been the type to man up, its just crazy how much this typr of thing can screw with my head. I can definitrly see how she is shifting this whole thing on me and acting like I am the one doing something wrong.
> 
> Like tonight when I got home from work I came in and started to talk to my kids and ask them about their day and play with them, I was still pissed about finding out that she saw a lawyer earlier so I said hi to her and but that was about it. A few minutes later she asks me what my deal is and I tell her "I dont have a deal" as I proceeded to get dinner ready (because my wife cannot cook). She tells me that I am being a jerk because I am being short with her and she proceeds to tell me about how at least she is being civil because she asked me about my day. I kept my cool and told her I am being civil I just don't have anything to say. She then started to go on about how I am keeping things from her and setting up things without consulting with her. She starting getting upset about how I have gone out 2 night over the last week and got upset because she found out that i am going to a Hockey game next week and I didn't let her know about it yet and that she is upset because she doesn't like me setting things up without coordinating because she may have something going on like a counseling/doctor appointment or work. I didnt want it to get heated in front of the kids so I just told her that just like every other time, I would handle it, its not hard to get a sitter if needed. I also told her this is a two way street. She has been doing nothing but hiding stuff from me for the last year and once she starts telling me what is going on.
> 
> She knows that with my job I have to go out with clients and I get taken out by subs, this is nothing new. The only difference is that I used to always feel like it was important to run it past her to make sure that it worked out with her work schedule but since I found out that on the nights when shes would say she had to work late she was really hooking up with that loser I don't feel the need to check with her as much. I let her know but I don't ask.
> 
> My wife only really works 3 days a week and I probably should have noticed something was going on sooner than I did because there was no reason for her to work late at her job but she would always say that there was a lot of orders and they needed more help so she would tell me she was staying for a few more hours. Later I also found out she would use her PTO and leave work a few hours early to meet up with the OM so that her pay check would not reflect this.
> 
> After reading all of these posts I am definitely going to set up separate accounts and let her know that I will continue to pay for our kids and the house bills but i am not going to cover her personal expenses for the foreseeable future. I am confident that both of my kids are mine since they both look way to much like me and we were trying each time to have children at the time. I am also going to reach out to the OMs wife, I just need to figure out how to do this? Any ideas? I have no idea how to find her number. What are your guys input on confronting the OM. I work a couple miles from his house and I want to confront this guys to let him know what a piece of SH** he is. I still am not sure about filing for a divorce quite yet because I actually do believe that she is scared and was just looking into the possibilities because she would have no way to pay a lawyer right now, especially if she cannot have access to my wages.


This is easy. Line everyone up involved and expose all at once. You're laying around getting brow beaten. She's a damn cheater. Start treating her like one. No More Mr Nice a Guy. Get it? That's probably what got you where you are. 

There are better women out there than this. She has no remorse. Just another cake eater.


----------



## JohnA

Without a lawyer, you know nothing.

Have you at least gone to your states web site and reviewed the divorce pages?


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## Marc878

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

Some guidelines


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## TDSC60

Confronting OM is usually a bad idea that can only lead to legal trouble for you. I know you want to tell him to his face what a POS he is. Or you want to rearrange his face for him, but neither would accomplish much.

Way better to do a little research and let his wife know what is/was going on.

As for your wife, ignore her. When she complains about not being consulted on your schedule, just tell her she did not consult you when she was having an affair so you owe her nothing now. Make sure you take care of your kids. Give her what she wanted - freedom from the marriage.


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## eric1

Awesome job on setting up the additional accounts - do NOT let her manipulate you into not doing this.

It is still early on so do not worry about making the call to Reconcile or Divorce. The divorce papers are the necessity now, not the decision. SHE MUST GET THESE PAPERS SHE NEEDS CONSEQUENCES. She how she reacts when she gets them (maintaining the 180 of course) will tell you a lot of she is a candidate for you to offer the gift of reconciliation 

If you know where he lives then you know his wife. Google the address, Google his name. Use resources like Spokeo. If the house is owned the odds are it is signed by both parties and you'll definitely get a name if you poke around enough.

The affair is assuredly still going on, even if it's purposely dormant. YOUR ONLY GOAL RIGHT NOW IS TO GET OUT OF INFIDELITY. Exposure has to happen today. I can't can't can't can't can't stress enough how important this is.

Right now every decision is not in your hands. Exposure is your first decision and it's the start of the process of you owning this **** and then kicking it straight in the ass. You'll then start regaining your sense of empowerment and, by this point, a healthy dose of white hot anger. You'll be in control and pissed off. Beats being scared and shellshocked, right?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## eric1

As if it wasn't clear enough - you must dedicate one hundred billion percent of your energy towards exposure. Don't even think about anything else at this point

GET
OUT
OF
INFIDELITY


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jsmart

She's staying out late and using PTO to spend more time with POS when she has your 2 year at home. What a nasty wh0re. You're busting your ass providing for the family and you have to do the cooking too. 

She spoke to a lawyer because at one point, POS was probably future faking her and she was going to dump you but of course it was bull**** that she believed and was plotting to implement or she looked into a lawyer because she projected onto you what she would do if you did this to her. Either way, after this level of betrayal, you're still there taking her sh!t. 

What BHs don't understand is that trying to nice their wives or run interference for the consequences they should face, the WW is more disgusted and repulsed by their husband. There is no, "he's really trying, let me meet him half way." She's just repulsed by your weakness. Thinks that "he's not man enough for me."
Dude, why would you want save this.


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## cgiles

Frusterated84 said:


> I am confident that both of my kids are mine since they both look way to much like me and we were trying each time to have children at the time.


Like adopted kids. They look like their adopted parents, because they mimic their parent's expression.

And DNA is not only about finding if they are your kids, it's about to send a strong message : 

I don't trust you at all.


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## BobSimmons

Stop with the game playing and arguing over nonsense. You know she's picking fights and being deliberately obtuse.

Aye 180. 180 hard. 

But first you find the OM's wife and you make sure you tell her. That should have been your first order of business a long time ago.

Second. You file. Only thing worse than a change yanker is an unremorseful chain yanker. Actions have consequences, so far yes you've found out and are pissed at her but she's fighting your anger with her made up BS anger. It's time for real world consequences for her and this dude. When OM's wife finds out and OM tosses your wife like last years garbage suddenly her options will be very limited.

Also. Stop engaging her when she tries to turn stuff on you. Walk away. Be civil by all means but when the conversation turns to nonsense, walk away.

She's been disrespecting you for a year and continues to do so by playing this game. Time to show her you won't tolerate it.


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## Thound

Let's see she only works 3 days a week, and can't cook, and is an unremorsefull cheater. Why do you want to stay with her? Let me tell you something, she doesn't have a patent on the vajay jay. Every "real" woman has one, and most have a better sense of boundaries. I truly wish you all the best .


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## ThePheonix

If anybody must reconcile there a proper and improper way to do it. The proper way is for you to file for divorce, (or some other form of action that lets them know they've, the wayward, pushed the envelope too far) and he/she comes to you with their hat in hand begging for another chance and willing to make life altering changes and tow the mark to repair the relationship.
The improper way (that is doomed to fail) is that you want to stay with your WS and are willing to virtually beg them to stay because you love them so much and they are so beautiful you feel you can't life without them. People picking this usually use the kids to explain the reason they lack the juice to break free.


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## Kobold

Frusterated84 said:


> What are your guys input on confronting the OM. I work a couple miles from his house and I want to confront this guys to let him know what a piece of SH** he is.


I don't see that going well at all. All kinds of things can go wrong(namely one of you getting violent) and it's not worth going to jail over IMO. Besides your wife is where your focus ought to be. Your wife's complete lack of respect for you and the apparent absence of her moral compass is the actual condition. the OM is only a symptom of the underlying problem that resides within her. At the end of the day he's interchangeable, if it wasn't him it would've been some other schmuck, but your wife's failure to protect you and the children from an outsider is something that will have to be dealt with if you're adamant about reconciling with her. Otherwise you'll be back here within a few years time wanting to put her next OM in his place.


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## Be smart

Sorry you are here my friend. I know it hurts and it is going to hurt even more but now you have power over your marriage and you can make your life a hundred times better. Not only for yourself but your kids too.

Your wife does not love you. She is checked from your marriage.

Having an Affair for almost a year,lying to you in front of your eyes and then telling you she "got something special with OM". 

What is even worse-when you find out about her Affair she told you she is going to keep seeing him and fu.king him. WTF. 

Ste talked with her lawyer so she wants to clean you up. Be prepared for the worse my friend.


Talk with lawyer.
STD check
DNA test - just to let her know that you dont trust her at all
EXPOSE her Affair to family,friends and OM wife. 

When you do that then serve her with D papers and run from her.

Stay strong.


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## Juicer

First piece of advice:

Learn who's the best divorce lawyers in your area, and try to meet with them. All of them. And get to work on filing for the divorce papers, usually the person who files holds the upper hand. It will be expensive, but will really help you in the long run. 
So when she is forced to get a lawyer, none of the good ones will be able to take her on as a client since you met with them. 

Second bit:

DO NOT CONFRONT THE OM!
You confronting him isn't about who is a bigger man. You want to put him in the ground. You want revenge. 

Well, there's an old saying:
He who seeks revenge should dig two graves. One for his victim, and the other for himself. 

Trust me, you will use that second grave if you confront him.


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## Frusterated84

Thanks for the input. I did find the OMs wife's profile on FB. Now I am just going to figure out what is the best way to go about contacting her.

I have looked into our state divorce laws and somewhat understand them. I live in a no fault state, would make things easier if this was not the case.

I spent the day with the kids today and when I got home my wife was there and I was talking to the kids about how we are going to get a X-mas tree for at my parents house tomorrow and she immediately jumped my case about not inviting her assuming that we were going to get ours as well. 

She also continues to ask me about future events. She wants to know where we are spending Christmas and honestly I just want to tell that if she continues on the path she is on I don't care where she spends it. She also asked me today if I think she should work full time and if I can check to see if it would work better for our expenses next year if the kids are in daycare full time, NEXT YEAR? I just told her its up to her because I have no idea what tomorrow entails as far as we go, she did not like that response so I just left the room. 

Overall, I think I have been doing good sticking to the 180. I have been just keeping myself busy working on me and my kids. It definitely helps me. It is apparent that she notices it and it is clearly frustrating her. I am curious to see her response when she finds out I am going to set up a separate bank account. I know she will get pissed. I already made a remark about this a couple weeks ago and her response was that we are married so I cannot hide money from her, can you believe that?


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## Marc878

Have you done full exposure except for OM wife?


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## Marc878

It doesn't sound like she has any remorse at all. Reconciling will be impossible if that's the case.http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=JprQFeAMKXXOvUDCaWdZdpHucYM-

Read up on this


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## Marc878

Frusterated84 said:


> Thanks for the input. I did find the OMs wife's profile on FB. Now I am just going to figure out what is the best way to go about contacting her.
> 
> I have looked into our state divorce laws and somewhat understand them. I live in a no fault state, would make things easier if this was not the case.
> 
> I spent the day with the kids today and when I got home my wife was there and I was talking to the kids about how we are going to get a X-mas tree for at my parents house tomorrow and she immediately jumped my case about not inviting her assuming that we were going to get ours as well.
> 
> She also continues to ask me about future events. She wants to know where we are spending Christmas and honestly I just want to tell that if she continues on the path she is on I don't care where she spends it. She also asked me today if I think she should work full time and if I can check to see if it would work better for our expenses next year if the kids are in daycare full time, NEXT YEAR? I just told her its up to her because I have no idea what tomorrow entails as far as we go, she did not like that response so I just left the room.
> 
> Overall, I think I have been doing good sticking to the 180. I have been just keeping myself busy working on me and my kids. It definitely helps me. It is apparent that she notices it and it is clearly frustrating her. I am curious to see her response when she finds out I am going to set up a separate bank account. I know she will get pissed. I already made a remark about this a couple weeks ago and her response was that we are married so I cannot hide money from her, can you believe that?


Sounds good. You do too much for her. Stop! You need to spend some time on yourself. Make yourself a better man. Gym, education, interests, etc.

Are you having sex? You should require her to get an STD test. You have no idea where this OM has been. He could have been with prostitutes, etc. If she's like most cheaters she's had unprotected sex with him. Plus it'll lend gravity to what she's done.


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## Marc878

If she continues to work with or around OM no reconciliation is possible. Expose him/her to her work as well. 

She'll be PO'd but you need to knock her back to reality.


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## JohnA

Exposing almost always kills an affair. If you don't kill the adultery OM will be coaching your WW and advising her to hang tough, she needs to screw you over because you deserve it.


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## Satya

She wants to know that you'll remain her chump so the future will be secure. 

Funny how the perceived thought of loss makes her scramble to get your assurances. 

Give her none. Let her ponder and come to her own conclusions. Once YOU are sure, and only then, you should tell her how it's going to be.


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## Satya

Don't tell her anything about what you do outside of kids. Just go and do it. You don't need her permission and you don't need her to become a stress bag over your mild threats of independence. She won't care what you do, she'll only see that what you do is meant to HURT HER and threaten HER STABILITY. Keep quiet, carry on.


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## Marc878

It's a different game as you gain control and she's sees life carries on without her.

She needs a full time job. If this goes to divorce it'll be less alimony got you.


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## eric1

Frustrated,

It's time for some tough love. You have chosen to remain in infidelity for atleast another week because you're making excuses not contacting yur wife's boyfriend's spouse. 

Simply print out the evidence you have and call her up on the telephone. Say "You may not know me, but our spouses have been having an affair. My wife knows that I know and I am sure has communicated this to your husband, who has probably had time to fabricate a story. I am prepared to provide you with a significant amount of hard evidence. I am providing you with this because it's the right thing to do. My email is <insert throwaway email>. My wife's phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx is if you would like to call her to confirm yourself. I will be home with her at 8pm this tonight"

It will be tough but you have have have have have have have have to do this immediately. 

This five minute phone call is literally going to be one of the top 10 most important phone calls of your life. You have to do it immediately or else it becomes the single worst one that you've ever made.

You need to do this with the urgency of someone having severed your femoral artery. it is that important. I do not know how to convey how singularly important that this is.


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## Lostinthought61

Frusterated84 said:


> Thanks for the input. I did find the OMs wife's profile on FB. Now I am just going to figure out what is the best way to go about contacting her.
> 
> I have looked into our state divorce laws and somewhat understand them. I live in a no fault state, would make things easier if this was not the case.
> 
> I spent the day with the kids today and when I got home my wife was there and I was talking to the kids about how we are going to get a X-mas tree for at my parents house tomorrow and she immediately jumped my case about not inviting her assuming that we were going to get ours as well.
> 
> She also continues to ask me about future events. She wants to know where we are spending Christmas and honestly I just want to tell that if she continues on the path she is on I don't care where she spends it. She also asked me today if I think she should work full time and if I can check to see if it would work better for our expenses next year if the kids are in daycare full time, NEXT YEAR? I just told her its up to her because I have no idea what tomorrow entails as far as we go, she did not like that response so I just left the room.
> 
> Overall, I think I have been doing good sticking to the 180. I have been just keeping myself busy working on me and my kids. It definitely helps me. It is apparent that she notices it and it is clearly frustrating her. I am curious to see her response when she finds out I am going to set up a separate bank account. I know she will get pissed. I already made a remark about this a couple weeks ago and her response was that we are married so I cannot hide money from her, can you believe that?



Next she uses the word hide....turn around and calmly ask her....hide that is an interesting word....what can you tell me besides money someone can hide.....


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## sparrow555

Frusterated84 said:


> Thanks for the input. I did find the OMs wife's profile on FB. Now I am just going to figure out what is the best way to go about contacting her.
> 
> I have looked into our state divorce laws and somewhat understand them. I live in a no fault state, would make things easier if this was not the case.
> 
> I spent the day with the kids today and when I got home my wife was there and I was talking to the kids about how we are going to get a X-mas tree for at my parents house tomorrow and she immediately jumped my case about not inviting her assuming that we were going to get ours as well.
> 
> She also continues to ask me about future events. She wants to know where we are spending Christmas and honestly I just want to tell that if she continues on the path she is on I don't care where she spends it. She also asked me today if I think she should work full time and if I can check to see if it would work better for our expenses next year if the kids are in daycare full time, NEXT YEAR? I just told her its up to her because I have no idea what tomorrow entails as far as we go, she did not like that response so I just left the room.
> 
> Overall, I think I have been doing good sticking to the 180. I have been just keeping myself busy working on me and my kids. It definitely helps me. It is apparent that she notices it and it is clearly frustrating her. I am curious to see her response when she finds out I am going to set up a separate bank account. I know she will get pissed. I already made a remark about this a couple weeks ago and her response was that we are married so I cannot hide money from her, can you believe that?


Don't plan your actions trying to get reaction from her or affect her.


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## JohnA

Hi Frustrated,

Need some clarity on the status of your marriage.

At what point did your wife agree to end the adultery with posm ?
The times you caught her in contact with posm was in violation of agreement not to?

First babe steps what are the current mutually agreed ground rules of your marriage?

For example your hockey game and her complaint of lack of notice. Actually this is fair if she really is stateing the true issue to her.
If this is an attempt to control - shut it down. If it is about co-parenting sit down resolve.
The answer is the suggestion of using a calendar. The bigest benefit to you right now is you can check the calendar and if ciear just log the event in. No need to call and ask her and if a conflict arises then it is on her. 
Doing so clearly shows her you are detaching.

Side note: your kids schedule needs to be posted as well.


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## OldWolf57

F, mostly good points all !!!!! 
Now, you may get some that say she is showing she wants you.

NOOO, she is showing she wants her comfy life !!
She has shown no remorse so far, and wants to rug sweep.

If I EVER meet a few peeks,, I PRAY,, I'm able to wait until I can TALK to them alone !!!

Otherwise,, I'm on the row.


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## OldWolf57

F, the people here are mostly GOOD PEOPLE,, now I feel their are a few that are NOT. Their agenda ?? seeming helping while undermining.
I got no damn agenda,, care but don't matter in getting my bills payed, and yes,, I do Bad things !!
So said,, I know certain ppl's. No REAL remorse,, no real.


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## OldWolf57

For those wondering,, I DON'T HAVE TO WORK,, I make LEGAL MONEY !!!

BUT, if price right,, I will crawl in the swill LOL.


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## happyman64

F84
Your wife is a selfish woman.

You need to show her consequences. 

Until she feels consequences she will never understand the pain you are in.

She also does not respect you.

She needs to know you are not Plan B.

Take the necessary steps:
Meet with one attorney if not a few. Understand the rights of your children, wayward wife and well as your own.

When you understand the legal and financial ramifications you can make better, informed decisions about your families future.

You should encourage your wife to work full time if she can keep her legs closed. That is her choice.

I understand your kids are young. And you do not want a divorce.

But until your wife is served, the affair exposed she will not truly understand the damage her bad decisions she made.



> I actually do believe that she is scared


She is not fearful. She lied to you. She cheated on you. For a good number of months. She still protects the OM.

She is desperate to keep the current situation intact and in her favor.

Break that control of hers. Take control yourself and show her what her life will look like without you in it and the kids only in her life 50% of the time.

That might wake her up and get her out of selfish mode.

You really have very little to lose and a lot to gain.

You wife will act differently when she realizes you will be just fine with her or without her.

HM


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## Lilac23

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...277794-my-wife-thinks-she-love-co-worker.html 

This may be a useful thread for you to read on the hazards of the attitude doing whatever she wants to make the marriage work.


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## Sports Fan

A hard 180 is called for.

Get your own legal advice. Communicate as little as possible with her especially on your future plans.

Seperate bank accounts, etc and stop supporting her.

You do not need to give her an explanation on anything you do or account for your whereabouts. She lost that privelage the day she cheated on you.


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## drifting on

Frusterated 

Continue the 180, talk even less, one word answers or shrug your shoulders. 180 hard. Your wife is proud of her affair, believes it was good for her to have, and wants it to continue. She is upset at you for making her stop. You took her fun away. She honestly believes she should be supported by you and allowed to continue. Shut that down hard. Give her nothing. 

Your wife needs to see you are capable of walking away. Print out divorce papers and leave them out in the open. Begin to fill them out letting her see you are doing this. This just may shock her into reality. But the real telling sign will be after you contact OM's wife. If she gets mad then she still wants OM. Expose!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

drifting on said:


> Frusterated
> 
> Continue the 180, talk even less, one word answers or shrug your shoulders. 180 hard. Your wife is proud of her affair, believes it was good for her to have, and wants it to continue. She is upset at you for making her stop. You took her fun away. She honestly believes she should be supported by you and allowed to continue. Shut that down hard. Give her nothing.
> 
> Your wife needs to see you are capable of walking away. Print out divorce papers and leave them out in the open. Begin to fill them out letting her see you are doing this. This just may shock her into reality. But the real telling sign will be after you contact OM's wife. *If she gets mad then she still wants OM. Expose!!!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think the OP is too worried about his WS leaving right now if he were to expose this ON GOING affair to the OM's wife.

This may not happen until he catches her cheating again.

I also think she will most definitely cheat again... and again.

In the back of his mind he's still hanging on to the notion that she'll come to her senses. That maybe he can help fix in her what has broken.

The reality is the only chance that he has at this is to fully expose, start a true 180 and let the chips fall where they may.


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## badmemory

You should have a sit down conversation with your WW. You should be calm, and non-emotional.

In this conversation, you should tell her the following:

At this point I have decided to start the divorce process, because of your betrayal of me and your obvious lack of remorse for what you've done to me and our family.

The only way I would "consider" delaying the D process, is if you demonstrate to me that you are unconditionally remorseful, that you own what you did, and that you accept the consequences of your actions. Which would include - complete transparency, acceptance of being exposed, and being accountable for your time away from me. And.. proving to me by your affection, that I am not your plan B.

Should you not agree to all that and demonstrate the remorse that I need to heal, then the only thing to discuss is the divorce arrangements.


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## drifting on

badmemory said:


> You should have a sit down conversation with your WW. You should be calm, and non-emotional.
> 
> In this conversation, you should tell her the following:
> 
> At this point I have decided to start the divorce process, because of your betrayal of me and your obvious lack of remorse for what you've done to me and our family.
> 
> The only way I would "consider" delaying the D process, is if you demonstrate to me that you are unconditionally remorseful, that you own what you did, and that you accept the consequences of your actions. Which would include - complete transparency, acceptance of being exposed, and being accountable for your time away from me. And.. proving to me by your affection, that I am not your plan B.
> 
> Should you not agree to all that and demonstrate the remorse that I need to heal, then the only thing to discuss is the divorce arrangements.




I like this except for one problem, she is either remorseful or she isn't, and she isn't. Right now I would question whether or not she even feels guilty. She should be feeling guilt and remorse on her own but I don't see either, I do see she is angry she had to pause or stop the affair. Reconciliation at this point in time would be worthless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60

This board is full of men who have tried for years to rebuild a marriage after the wife's affair. Some tried for years on end.

Most came to the same conclusions eventually.

It takes two. If the wife is not sorry and remorseful for what they did. R will never happen.
If the wife is not truthful about the affair and is not happy to answer every question the husband has. R will not work.
If the wife cannot commit to R and show her husband love and help him heal. R will not work.
No matter what you do, you cannot change her mind or control her thoughts. If the OM is still in her thoughts, R will not happen.
These guys took the same attitude as you. Tried everything to fix the marriage but it did not work.
It took some of them several years to accept the obvious. 
Don't be like them. Save yourself and your kids from years of misery.


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## Chaparral

The decision to reconcile is left up to the betrayed spouse. If the cheating spouse begs to stay married and does everything asked of them, then the betrayed spouse can decide if its enough to try reconciliation.

In this case the decision is automatic. File for divorce, contact real estate agents, contact lawyer, work out separation, custody, etc. 

Full boat 180. Separate finances. Furnish nothing for the adulterer and if asked simply reply, "you fired me, get your boy/girl friend to do it."


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## Marduk

Reconciliation isn't on the table, so don't consider what's not on offer.

This may change when lawyers get involved, your call (but I wouldn't advise it).


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## eric1

Frustrated, I feel so strongly about this that I'm just checking in to see if you have EXPOSED yet?

1. If she confronts you afterwards you'll know that she was breaking No Contact

2. If she's pissed at you it is because you ruined her fun

3. If she's happy that you took a healing step, well that would sure be a positive if you're interested in offering the gift of reconciliation to her


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## BetrayedDad

Let me get this straight. 

You work everyday to provide for her financially. You come home play with the kids and make HER dinner (cause she can't cook). 

In return she works a part time job, which she goes to so she can fvck some co-worker she's been cheating on you for a year with and essentially gets paid to get laid.



Frusterated84 said:


> I can definitely see that I need to man up.


Understatement of the year. You're wife's a REMORSELESS disgusting cheating wh0re. DUMP HER IMMEDIATELY. You're plan B and being played for a fool. 

File for divorce, ask for 50% custody and you might have to pay some child support. Just eat the cost and don't put a price on your dignity. Right now you have sold your soul in order to try to work it out with the human vacuum cleaner.


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## Frusterated84

Quick Update. I spoke to a lawyer yesterday and he tells me it would be pretty easy for me to get at least 50/50 custody if not more, so that was a relief. He also said that given my wifes salary she likely could not afford the house so I could likely keep our house. It was good to talk to him about these things.

My wife asked me the other day if she should start going back to work full time and if that will would make since when comparing the daycare bills to her wages. I told her I don't care. I think I will tell her tonight that she should definitely try to go full time.

I have reached out to the OM's today. I want to talk to her and make sure she if actually aware of what is going on. the only way I could do this was to find her profile on FB and send here a friend request. Hopefully she accepts so I can message her and get in contact. I want to know if half of what my WW has told me is true.

We have a MC session tomorrow so I am going to tell her tomorrow a the session that i am getting separate accounts set up immediately and all of my wages will be going to a separate account. I will also tell her that I and seriously considering a D at this stage. I also am going to tell her that she needs to tell her mom what she has done or I am going to. The reason for this is because I know her mom will be upset with her. My WW dad cheated on her mom when she was a kid and left her for the OW. Her mom is still single however and had an affair with a married man last year. Either way though she needs someone else to let her know she is ****ing up because right now she is just shut down and the only one that has told her to wake the f### up was me prior to the 180. She has been going to IC for the last 8 months but all she says is that the IC does not judge her and I am sure that the IC just assures her that I am just as responsible for this affair.


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## Marc878

Separate the accounts before you tell her anything. You can't trust her,

Jeeze, what if she goes in and cleans you out????

Think man think, do it. Dont tell her what you are going to do,

Man up and let your actions speak for you.

Expose and let her find out, 

Did she say oh honey I'm going to go cheat on you.

Please read No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## Frusterated84

Thanks for the heads up. Good point.


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## TDSC60

No remorse = no marriage.

Her statements that "you don't know what we had" make it plain that she is not sorry and she still thinks of the affair fondly and emotionally.

You my friend are an after thought. Something she is being forced into after she had something "special" and "memorable". She will never forget the time that she had that special relationship and you and the marriage will always be something she was forced to settle for.


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## TDSC60

Don't forget any life insurance polices. Make a trust for the kids and have the payment go there.

This actually happened with a friend of mine.
Six months before his second deployment to Afghanistan, he found out that that his wife of 10 years had been cheating on him with a co-worker the entire time he was gone on his first deployment and had never stopped. He was devastated because they had two young children and they had been together since high school. When confronted, she told him that she had never gotten to experience the "single life" and she no longer want to be married. He filed for a legal separation (this state requires a one year separation before divorce).

He changed his life insurance before he left on deployment to a trust in his kids name with his mother as executor.

He never made it back.


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## sirwonder

Frusterated84, 

You don't have to be FB friends to send a message to someone. Just click the Message button on her FB profile.


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## ButtPunch

Do not tell her you are separating accounts. Do not tell her you are considering divorce. Hit her with the papers. You need to communicate emotionally to women and you do that by action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

If you're smart do the exposure all at once with no warning.

Remember they were going to Destroy your life, family and future.

I'd go full force with exposure


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## weightlifter

If you live in nc sc va tx and a couple others adulery counts.


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## bandit.45

Never give the wayward spouse the heads up as to what you are going to do. Just do it.


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## Frusterated84

Tonight I spoke to the OMs Wife. She told me he has been very apologetic towards her and told her everything. It all matches up with the story I have gotten from my ww. She said he has been begging for her forgiveness everyday and has told her that he want to work things out with her and they do intend to move, together, out of the state very soon. Neither of them work and he has been very open with her so she truly believes that he has not contacted my wife since the time that my wife said it ended. She told me that he is the one that broke it off and admitted everything to her and that she did not suspect anything. She also told me that he has taken the initiative himself to block my wifes number, email, fb, and change his phone number as well as quitting his job without her telling him to, she also has full access to all of his accounts and devices. So from the sounds of it he truly is cutting all ties to my wife. She told me that she even told him that if he wanted to leave she was okay with that and he told her he wants to work on his own family. 
She called me while I was at my house with my WW so I made up an excuse to get out of the house so I could talk to her for a bit. When I got back home, my wife was very suspicious asking why she could not track my phone. Since I have been doing the 180, she has been very suspicious and tracking my phone (find my iphone) constantly. Screwed up, she is the one that has been having an affair and cannot commit to trying to recover but she is constantly tracking my every move and wanting to know where I am at or going. The OM wife said that he has been the same way and since neither of them are working at the moment they are together all day and she said she had to go shopping so that she could get away to call me. She said he is afraid that she is going to try to get revenge.


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## Blacksmith01

Frusterated84 said:


> She also asked me today if I think she should work full time and if I can check to see if it would work better for our expenses next year if the kids are in daycare full time, NEXT YEAR?


Yes you want her working full time. When it come to the $$$$$ part of the divorce you will be thankful that she went FT.


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## JohnA

The fact he ended does change the dynamic of your marriage 180 degrees. 

She has been dumped by prince charming and you are the only game in town. Do not reveal this information, use it. 

Use it as has been advised by the posters here. The harder you push to separate, the harder she will hang on. When she threatens to leave you for him, shrug your shoulders and simple say to her, "may be best all around if you do. It's not like you are really trying here. I will own my faults, but nobody here gets a free pass."


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## Blacksmith01

sirwonder said:


> Frusterated84,
> 
> You don't have to be FB friends to send a message to someone. Just click the Message button on her FB profile.


You can also call through FB now. Worst case just go to the about her section and find out where she works.


----------



## arbitrator

Frusterated84 said:


> Need some help here. I have been with my wife for almost 10 years and married for 5 years, we have 2 kids (2 and 4 year old). 2 Months ago I found out she has been having an affair for the last year with one of her coworkers that is also married and has 2 kids. I imediatly blew up and said a few things in the heat of the moment (I want a divorce, i want her out of the house, the kids are staying with me, etc.) She immediately blew up back telling me that if we get a divorce she will get the kids, spousal support, and the house because the courts favor mothers. Anyways, I immediately made her block the OM from her phone, social media, etc but I know she has contacted him and have called her out on it everytime that I found out. I caught her twice driving and waiting at the OM kids school to see him. I also found out that she created another FB profile so that she could contact him. She tells me she will not delete that account since it is like an "online diary" , bull****. The first month after finding out we were overall civil around each other with the occasional outburst, but since I fould out that she went to see him that second time and has that profile where she contacts him I have been trying the 180. I am going out with friend more often, working out and trying to overall work on myself and my children. I recommended MC to try to see what we can do because I want to try to reconcile because I do love her and I do not want my kids to go through a divorce because we are real good coparents. I have not told anybody about the affair because I do not want anybody to think negative about her if we do work this out. The MC is in the discernment stage because she does not know if she wants to work things out. So i am just in a holding pattern while she trys to figure her crap out and it frustrates the hell out of me. I just want a decision one way or the other. I told her I am not moving out because i love my kids to much not to see them everyday and my wife is to unstable right now in my opinion to handle it by herself. She has always had issues with depression and anxiety and she has some health issues currently that applify these. I found out today that she had a consultation with a lawyer and I got upset. She told me that she had to go see a lawyer because she wants to make sure that she is protected and that she wanted to know what could happen if we get a divorce because she is affraid that I am going to take the kids and everything and she will have nothing. I let her know that that is not my goal in all of this. She tells me that she loves/loved me but it is not the kind of love she wants, whatever that means. I have work my ass off at work and at home and always have and have always let her do what she wanted, looking back on this I should have been more restrictive with a few things because she has always been irresponsible financially and it has been a bid issue for us. I know I have not been the best husband, I am so focused on my career and I could have paid more attention to her but I would always tell her that I loved her and appreciated her. One of the things that frustrates me most is that the OM is a loser, in my opinion. He did quit his job because of this ordeal and my wife tells me that he came clean to his wife and they are moving out of the state back to where he is originally from, I don't know how much I believe but I do know he quit his job and has been unemployed for a few months and they just put their house up for sale. But the quy is 10 years older than my wife, sloppy looking, has nothing, and from the emails I found he is a jealous and possessive a$$hole. During an argumen(pre 180)t i told my wife that her relationship with this coward was a fantasy and she just got more pissed and disagreed and said I don't know what they had. Our MC said the same thing about this being a fantasy and she just said that neither of us know what they had. Overall, I want to try to reconcile this marriage but I am lost about how to go about it or am I just wasting my time. I still have tons of love for her and I love my kids more than anything and I do not want to put them through this. Advice? On top of it since I have been trying the 180 for the last few weeks she is getting mad at me telling me that I am sneaking around.


*Please keep in mind that an "excited utterance" like her saying "the courts always give custody of the kids to the mother" can be used as evidence against her in an "at-fault" hearing, greatly provided that your state adheres to that format of divorce!

Conversely, there's a plethora of family court presiding judges who will not like hearing that generalization brought out in a trial in their venue!

Get with a lawyer and find out what kind of a "poker hand" that she has dealt you! You and your kids deserve far better out of life! Lose her cheating a$$!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Your WW is following the cheating script to a "T".

Right down to her thinking you are cheating.....

How sad.


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## eric1

Frustrated,

If the other wife says that there has been no contact then what did she say about them meeting up at her kids' school?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blacksmith01

happyman64 said:


> Your WW is following the cheating script to a "T".
> 
> Right down to her thinking you are cheating.....
> 
> How sad.


I know that was a strange day for me when mine came home jealous over nothing.:| Crazy days.


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## bandit.45

happyman64 said:


> Your WW is following the cheating script to a "T".
> 
> *Right down to her thinking you are cheating*.....
> 
> How sad.


The song remains the same.


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## Be smart

You know my friend why they have the same stories ???

Dont trust her. She is used to lying and she is going to keep doing it.

My advice is going for Divorce. 

She told you she is going to meet him and she does not want to end this. This would be the end for me even if she was the last woman on planet.


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## JohnA

Marduk's review of where he was at one year out.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27426-what-ive-learned-past-year-good-news-story.html

They are good goals.


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## the guy

It's going to take a while to get over the OM.....I'm curious what is your old lady going to do to affair proof the marriage when the next swinging penis comes around?


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## Frusterated84

interesting night. I went to our counseling session tonight with my WW. It started out with the same old stuff. My wife is unsure what she wants to do. she doesnt want to D but she is unsure if she can R yet. The MC asks me where I am at an I was honest. I said I am not sure right now. I would want to try and R is she gets out of this fog and starts acting like a human and not a robot. I kept my cool. I told her I am going out with friends and and being a good father to my kids. During this i made a remark that I could see this going either way and I can see myself getting a D. When I said this my WW seemed shocked. 
I just let the MC know I do not trust anything my WW has to say so i don't ask her anything. I told her I personally have felt 10 times better over the last couple weeks since I have been keeping my mind on other things. The wife again brought up how lately I am just acting like she is invisible and it upsets her. She also brought up the same problem about our relationship that she brings up each time. The MC asked us if we talk about our issues at home and I was blunt. I said ther is no point because she doesn't show me that I can trust her and she lives in her own bubble. I told her that i don't know if i would want to be with someone that could do something like this with complete disregard to everyone else especially her family, her children and the a whole other family. The WW is getting emotional at this point. She said this was between just myself and her. She also said that we would be at this point regardless of if she had an affair because of the issues we had before the A. I told her maybe that is true but going about it the way she did is a whole new ball game. i think it is finally becoming clear to her that she not only cheated on my but on our children. She was always saying that she only betrayed me and not the children. She thinks that if we get a D that the kids would never find out that she had an A and she thinks that as far as the kids go the could not notice anything due to their age and she thinks that she is the same around them know as she was pre A. I told her that she has been in such a fog for the last year that the kids would definitely notice that because she has been distant and short tempered with everyone. 
At some point i let it slip that I spoke to the OMS the other day and immediately my wife was shocked. I ended up telling her everything we discussed, how the OM is working hard to R his marriage. My wife was getting heated while hearing this and you could tell that what i was telling her did not jive with whatever she thought was going on. The MC asked her what was on her mind and she was telling her how the OM is lying to his wife and her both. toward the end my wife was so emotional she couldn't talk any more, between my saying I could see us getting a D and finding out that the OM had been lying to her she seemed defeated. The MC told us if we had any boundaries we needed to set and I told her the NC is a must and I i find out it gets broken that is an immediate separation. My WW agreed and said she does not intend to contact him anymore. After we left the session my wife started asking me all about my conversation with the OMS and i told her some because it seemed like as you would tell her it would anger her but I think overall she needed to hear it so that she can see what a scumbag he is. She also asked me how I contacted her because she wants to contact her as well now to apologize and to also tell her that her husband has been lying to her and let her know the kind of thing he has been telling her. I quess that cannot hurt our situation so my wife is now actively trying to contact the OMW.
I dont know if this is a good thing or not but I was pretty chill throughout this whole thing and was very clear that I am moving on with my life and if she want to get back involved she needs to figure her S##t out. I was very clear that I am willing to try for a R but I don't know for sure what I want anymore and that if this ends in a D I will make out alright. this is the first session we have attended where it seems like there was some impact on her. Am I a bad person if i say that i got pleasure out of seeing her so emotional and upset at herself and her situation and not directed at me? As she was crying on the way home she told me that I should go ahead and tell anybody i want about what she did. I am interested to see what happens when/if she talk to the OMBS.


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## tom67

Dude paragraphs are your friend.:smile2:


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## PreRaphaelite

OP: do you realize that the moment you said "Divorce" she sat up and took notice? The moment you exposed this that her affair fog went *poof*?

This is what posters here have been telling you for 6 pages now, which was to file for divorce and expose. As long as you keep telling her you're willing to reconcile her attitude to you and her AP will not change. Shocked as she may be, I'll bet that she really doesn't believe you will file for divorce. 

She's still trying to blame you for the affair unfortunately by saying that you'd be in the same situation even if it had not happened.


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## Marc878

Excellent job. Keep your cool and make it business like.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

Frusterated84 said:


> I am interested to see what happens when/if she talk to the OMBS.


My guess is, the OM's Wife tells your WS what he's been doing and saying. Your WS gets hurt and/or gets p!ssed.

Then, within 1 week, 2 weeks tops, your WS breaks the NC to give him a piece of her mind.


Think about this. When it happens, you'd better damn well follow through with the consequences. If you don't, at least make sure that you book mark this thread because you're gonna be right back where you are now, in a year, or two...


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## Evinrude58

What you don't get is this:

She seems all broken up and emotional with the marriage counselor. She is probably upset with other man. This means she still cares about him. She told you she wanted to talk to OM's wife. 

The only thing that she told you that was truthful is that she thought regardless of her adultery, your marriage sucked anyway.

The rest you are hearing, believing, and thinking what you hope is true-- not what is reality.
She is most definitely not truly remorseful, as evidenced by her comment that even if the affair had not happened,...

She is only hoping to take care of herself by keeping you and your paycheck and home where she needs them. The only thing she is sorry about is the possibility of losing that. If she was truly remorseful, she would tell you how sorry she is, that she would do ANYTHING to fix this, and that she was wrong and doesn't know what got into her. From what you've described, she's not even close. Doesn't even know what she wants. 

My opinion: when this kind of stuff starts with a woman, it does not get better. Don't keep hoping and praying. Doing this will just slow your healing. Realize that you have got to accept reality and move forward. I think you're making progress. 

I hope you will summon all your strength to put this disloyal, deceitful, selfish woman in your past. She has shown you that she is a liar. Don't ever think that you can see through all her lies, because you WANT to believe some of the things she will say. 

There is no way you should consider "reconciliation" with such a person of low character. 

Save yourself some time and pain and just divorce. And don't tell her everything you do, you're just giving her power to hurt you more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA

You and lonely husband share some common traits, good ones.

Your right in your assertion that adultery takes the crisis in a marriage to a whole nother level. The fact is you still need to address the issues in any relationship you may have in the future. You hinted at one: time at the job. You can cut back here and there but in today's economy it is what it is. How will you address this going forward? Address these issues and build a better marriage with or most likely without her.


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## Frusterated84

Holy Cow. About an hour ago my wife got in contact with the OMW. My WW told me to be near her so I can hear everything. At first it started as text messages and the OMW did not believe what she was being told and was angry. Suddenly you could see it click and she believed everything and they both realized how much this guy was lying to them both. The OMW told my wife that she was going to call her and that she was going to put it on speaker in front of the OM. 

Then everything blew up. Myself and the OMS were getting the whole story from my WW. The coward OM was calling my WW names and screaming at her over the phone. Then he would keep getting caught in lie after lie by both women. He was such a coward and the way he was treating his own wife was unacceptable. He was calling her names and I could not believe she would do that to her. When I heard that I could not contain myself and I also had to talk. I told him he is a coward and a loser. I real man would never treat a woman that way let alone the mother of his children that did nothing wrong in this fiasco. I was so pi$$ed, I unloaded on this guy. I honestly said everything I have been wanting to say to him. I told him a real man owns up to his mistakes, owns them. He just tried to push everything to anybody but him. This guy is a selfish coward who clearly only thinks about himself. 

I still made it clear throughout this whole thing that I don't know if I will be able to avoid a D but I know that I am a better man than this coward POS. The OMS was a real nice, strong, and religious woman and she handled it very impressive and throughout the entire debacle was telling my wife that she really has screwed up but she forgives her and she kept telling her to work for my forgiveness. You could see this whole process lifting the fog off my WW. As the OMS was telling me this and talking to her about marriage my wife was crying and you could see she was really starting to realize the impacts of her actions. 

After the call ended, my wife apologized to me for for everything she has put me through and told me that she does love me. She said she was stupid for doing this and cannot believe she trusted anything this guys ever said. We discussed our situation and I stayed firm that I don't know what is going to happen and that I do not know if I will want to R or D but I told her regardless we need to build back trust and that is entirely on her right now.

At least the positives I got out of this are that I don't know if I have anymore question. They pretty much discussed everything possible. This loser was trying to pressure my WW into letting him get her pregnant, to which she said absolutely not and at the same time was trying to get his spouse to get pregnant as well. Pretty much found out when and where they would go. And most importantly found out how much of a loser this guy really was.

I still don't know what will happen when all the dust clears but I do know that I personally feel better after all of that. I'm sure this was a mindf*** for my WW but i think this is a kick in the a$$ that she needs. I made it clear after the call that if that is the kind of loser she wants then feel free. I really hope the OMS doesn't get sucked back into his bull. It did feel good though to hear this POSs world crumbling around him. Karma's a Bit(#.


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## eric1

We should save your last post in Amber so that it is saved forever. It shall be presented to any new betrayed spouse who resists using the only two tools at their disposal - exposure and divorce papers.

Great job man


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt

Gosh. Hope it works out for you innocents in this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J.

Planned or not it will help either way with the eventual outcome

As Matt commented, here's to hoping it works out well for you :toast:


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## MattMatt

tom67 said:


> Dude paragraphs are your friend.:smile2:


He had paragraphs. The post Just developed a line break issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA

Now and only now she has the ability to reconcile. If she does or does not at least she is dealing with reality. 

You both need to deal with the honest issues in the marriage and also the adultery. Not likely going to happen, but it had been done.

The posm fantasy was to get two women pregnant at the same time? His wife needs to understand forgiveness is not a suicide pack.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

Although you seem to be in a better position after this call to attempt an R then you had been before, your perception of the reasons of why she was crying may not completely match the reality of why she was crying.

Though I believe that she came to the realization of how much she'd hurt you. I think that the realization of how much the OM hurt and used her was in the forefront. And somewhere in there was her realizing the she'd never be with the OM romantically again. The illusion had been broken. From that point on when ever she thought about what she had done with the OM would not be that of excitement, lust, or love. They would now be of disappointment, betrayal and hurt.

Given what she has done and how she has acted since the affair started, I really have to wonder whom she was crying over the most. You, her, or him?...

As the next few weeks, or even days, pass, you'll get a better idea of why she was crying. If she's truly remorseful to and about you, or if she was just anguishing over her poor choice of an OM.


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## BetrayedDad

I still say divorce... You're about to get plan B'd HARD.

And don't be a fool. She KNEW he was a coward and a POS.

She's one too. She just didn't care and wanted to get her jollies off.


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## Steve1000

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> As the next few weeks, or even days, pass, you'll get a better idea of why she was crying. If she's truly remorseful to and about you, or if she was just anguishing over her poor choice of an OM.


I guess she was crying because the man (OM) that she loved betrayed her.


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## Steve1000

BetrayedDad said:


> I still say divorce... You're about to get plan B'd HARD.
> 
> And don't be a fool. She KNEW he was a coward and a POS.
> 
> She's one too. She just didn't care and wanted to get her jollies off.


I agree, and realizing that you have been "plan B'd" is a gradual acknowledgement that leads to years of resentment.


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## sparrow555

Frusterated84 said:


> Holy Cow. About an hour ago my wife got in contact with the OMW. My WW told me to be near her so I can hear everything. At first it started as text messages and the OMW did not believe what she was being told and was angry. Suddenly you could see it click and she believed everything and they both realized how much this guy was lying to them both. The OMW told my wife that she was going to call her and that she was going to put it on speaker in front of the OM.
> 
> Then everything blew up. Myself and the OMS were getting the whole story from my WW. The coward OM was calling my WW names and screaming at her over the phone. Then he would keep getting caught in lie after lie by both women. He was such a coward and the way he was treating his own wife was unacceptable. He was calling her names and I could not believe she would do that to her. When I heard that I could not contain myself and I also had to talk. I told him he is a coward and a loser. I real man would never treat a woman that way let alone the mother of his children that did nothing wrong in this fiasco. I was so pi$$ed, I unloaded on this guy. I honestly said everything I have been wanting to say to him. I told him a real man owns up to his mistakes, owns them. He just tried to push everything to anybody but him. This guy is a selfish coward who clearly only thinks about himself.
> 
> I still made it clear throughout this whole thing that I don't know if I will be able to avoid a D but I know that I am a better man than this coward POS. The OMS was a real nice, strong, and religious woman and she handled it very impressive and throughout the entire debacle was telling my wife that she really has screwed up but she forgives her and she kept telling her to work for my forgiveness. You could see this whole process lifting the fog off my WW. As the OMS was telling me this and talking to her about marriage my wife was crying and you could see she was really starting to realize the impacts of her actions.





> After the call ended, my wife apologized to me for for everything she has put me through and told me that she does love me.




What kid of sh!t love is this ?




> She said she was stupid for doing this and cannot believe she trusted anything this guys ever said. We discussed our situation and I stayed firm that I don't know what is going to happen and that I do not know if I will want to R or D but I told her regardless we need to build back trust and that is entirely on her right now.
> 
> At least the positives I got out of this are that I don't know if I have anymore question. They pretty much discussed everything possible. This loser was trying to pressure my WW into letting him get her pregnant, to which she said absolutely not and at the same time was trying to get his spouse to get pregnant as well. Pretty much found out when and where they would go. And most importantly found out how much of a loser this guy really was.
> 
> I still don't know what will happen when all the dust clears but I do know that I personally feel better after all of that. I'm sure this was a mindf*** for my WW but i think this is a kick in the a$$ that she needs. I made it clear after the call that if that is the kind of loser she wants then feel free. I really hope the OMS doesn't get sucked back into his bull. It did feel good though to hear this POSs world crumbling around him. Karma's a Bit(#.




So the only reason she is still there is because the OM ended up being a utter lying scumbag. And she loves you now immediately ?



> This loser was trying to pressure my WW into letting him get her pregnant, to which she said absolutely not and at the same time was trying to get his spouse to get pregnant as well.


That is some trailer trash sh!t. Your wife had an affair with someone like him.. Think about what it means. I hope you have complete proof of your wife words here.



> would want to try and R is she gets out of this fog and starts acting like a human and not a robot. I



I believe you need to have more standards than this. I want a wife that won't currently cheat on me is scraping on the bottom of the barrel. Your wife is no different from this guy. Difference is he treated your wife as she treated you. So, now she turned against him. It doesn't change how she is as a person.


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## Evinrude58

Frusterated84 said:


> Holy Cow. About an hour ago my wife got in contact with the OMW. My WW told me to be near her so I can hear everything. At first it started as text messages and the OMW did not believe what she was being told and was angry. Suddenly you could see it click and she believed everything and they both realized how much this guy was lying to them both. The OMW told my wife that she was going to call her and that she was going to put it on speaker in front of the OM.
> 
> Then everything blew up. Myself and the OMS were getting the whole story from my WW. The coward OM was calling my WW names and screaming at her over the phone. Then he would keep getting caught in lie after lie by both women. He was such a coward and the way he was treating his own wife was unacceptable. He was calling her names and I could not believe she would do that to her. When I heard that I could not contain myself and I also had to talk. I told him he is a coward and a loser. I real man would never treat a woman that way let alone the mother of his children that did nothing wrong in this fiasco. I was so pi$$ed, I unloaded on this guy. I honestly said everything I have been wanting to say to him. I told him a real man owns up to his mistakes, owns them. He just tried to push everything to anybody but him. This guy is a selfish coward who clearly only thinks about himself.
> 
> I still made it clear throughout this whole thing that I don't know if I will be able to avoid a D but I know that I am a better man than this coward POS. The OMS was a real nice, strong, and religious woman and she handled it very impressive and throughout the entire debacle was telling my wife that she really has screwed up but she forgives her and she kept telling her to work for my forgiveness. You could see this whole process lifting the fog off my WW. As the OMS was telling me this and talking to her about marriage my wife was crying and you could see she was really starting to realize the impacts of her actions.
> 
> After the call ended, my wife apologized to me for for everything she has put me through and told me that she does love me. She said she was stupid for doing this and cannot believe she trusted anything this guys ever said. We discussed our situation and I stayed firm that I don't know what is going to happen and that I do not know if I will want to R or D but I told her regardless we need to build back trust and that is entirely on her right now.
> 
> At least the positives I got out of this are that I don't know if I have anymore question. They pretty much discussed everything possible. This loser was trying to pressure my WW into letting him get her pregnant, to which she said absolutely not and at the same time was trying to get his spouse to get pregnant as well. Pretty much found out when and where they would go. And most importantly found out how much of a loser this guy really was.
> 
> I still don't know what will happen when all the dust clears but I do know that I personally feel better after all of that. I'm sure this was a mindf*** for my WW but i think this is a kick in the a$$ that she needs. I made it clear after the call that if that is the kind of loser she wants then feel free. I really hope the OMS doesn't get sucked back into his bull. It did feel good though to hear this POSs world crumbling around him. Karma's a Bit(#.


I can't help but smile at this. You not only f'd up the scumbag's world, gave the POS a good talking to and got it out of your system, but showed your WW beyond a shadow of a doubt what a lowlife scumsucker he is. 
I am still very distrusting of her apology. You will get to see if it grows. At least what you described provides the possibility that she is seeing the light on what a HUSBAND is and a CHEATER is.

I'm really happy for you. I had no chance like this because my ex was basically banging everyone on the internet mentally, and who knows who physically. There was no single person to go and look up and take out some anger on.

I hope this is the beginning of a reconciliation, but you know what you have now. We'll see if she figures out what SHE has, and whether she places more value on it now.


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## Be smart

My friend it is going to be really hard for you.

Spend your time with your children and your friends. You dont want to lock yourself now. Talk with them and would be much easier for you.

Now about your wife-she is not remorseful and she have zero love for you sorry.

She is only crying because her "beautiful world" is going down. She now knows that the OM is not the Prince,not the perfect one,not the one she fell in love with.

They were so deep with Affair that they even talked about geting her pregnant. Maybe it did not work out as he/she planed but this shows me that she has no respect for you at all. 

She thought of you as a fool,her husband the father of her chidlren.
Shame on her. 

You need to act fast my friend. You have power over your marriage now and first you need to protect your children and then yourself. 

Expose her Affair to family and friends. You dont want to be the "bad guy" when the truth comes to open,belive me.

Talk with your lawyer and see your options about money,custody ...

Divorce her and be happy with your children.

Stay strong


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## Chaparral

So who broke up with who? Were they really broken up at all?


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## Chaparral

BTW, don't be surprised if he tries to contact your wife and say he had to pretend to act like that in front of you and his wife.

Its happened before. Before the conference call, it looked like they both just had gotten their stories straight with each other.


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## jsmart

Chaparral said:


> BTW, don't be surprised if he tries to *contact your wife and say he had to pretend to act like that* in front of you and his wife.
> 
> Its happened before. *Before the conference call, it looked like they both just had gotten their stories straight with each other*.


Yep, I agree, they had their stories and put things on pause but this call exposed POS and he had to throw your WW under the bus. She is broken not for what she did to you and the family. I have no doubt that they were future faking and your wife was plotting leaving you, which is why she went to see a lawyer.

I personally could not take her back. Get your head around the fact that she was plotting on leaving you so she could have POS' baby. The fact that she was willing to destroy your kids' lives so she can get with a loser should show you the type of woman she's become. The woman you were married to over dosed on chemicals that the brain releases when they're committing adultery. 

Take the time to think what you really want in life. I know as a man, your thinking about your kids well being. The thought of your wife bringing a parade of men through your kids lives causes many men to R. But you also have to think of yourself too. She has not earned an R yet.


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## phillybeffandswiss

One thing you always see in these threads, most men cave and throw the woman under the bus. It's crazy how this followed many other threads.

I have one question, both your updates imply there was other contact. Have you found out how they were still communicating with each other?


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## TDSC60

Frusterated84 said:


> interesting night. I went to our counseling session tonight with my WW. It started out with the same old stuff. My wife is unsure what she wants to do. she doesnt want to D but she is unsure if she can R yet.


Your wife is/was still in love with other man. Even after the phone call with OMs wife, she was still in love with him. All her crying was not for you or the death of your marriage, it was for the lose of OM and what she thought she had with him.

Her feelings toward you have not changed unless she feels more resentful than ever because you had a hand in blowing up her fantasy with OM.

Do not make any decisions to R based on her behavior now. Her fantasy was just exposed for what it was, a tawdry adulterous affair involving two liars and cheaters. You always were, and still are, plan B. Somewhere to go if plan A(OM) did not work out.

Remember, your wife is emotionally where you were when you learned that the affair was physical. In shock that the man she loves could do that to her and mourning the loss.

When she says she loves you and wants R, don't believe it. She has now been forced to accept plan B (you).

Now you know what you wife is capable of doing and what she could do again if another fantasy man appears.

Up to you if you want to take that chance.


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## convert

Chaparral said:


> BTW, don't be surprised if he tries to contact your wife and say he had to pretend to act like that in front of you and his wife.
> 
> Its happened before. Before the conference call, it looked like they both just had gotten their stories straight with each other.


I agree

keep your eyes open


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## bandit.45

> Am I a bad person if i say that i got pleasure out of seeing her so emotional and upset at herself and her situation and not directed at me?


No. I think what you are feeling is pride...Pride in the fact that you are being a leader, and not allowing yourself to be manipulated. 

I agree with the other posters taht the sadness and crying you are seeing is not indicative of any love she may have for you. This is not true remorse. 

What you saw was the soft squishing of a person being run over by a cement truck. The OM totally threw her under the wheels, and she has realized how badly she got played. Right now she feels betrayed, used and stupid. She's not at the point yet where she can feel sorry for what she did to you. It is all about her right now. 

This is where you need to step waaaay back. Continue on the 180 in earnest. Watch her actions and ignore what she says. Her actions and behavior will tell you the truth. Continue assuming that half of everything coming out of her mouth is a lie.


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## bandit.45

You have done well Grasshopper....


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## TDSC60

bandit.45 said:


> You have done well Grasshopper....


Now continue along the path of enlightenment and you will be set free.


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## Roselyn

Your wife is really thick. She was so sure that the OM would have her and leave his wife that she had to confront the wife! Surprise, surprise! Her lover did not want her.

Now she's fallen back to Plan B and that is you. She was even surprised that you can envisioned a life without her. She truly believes that she has you wrapped around her finger. This is bad news.

Don't jump into reconciliation right away. Take the time to evaluate your situation. It seems like you could be heading towards divorce as the reason that she is staying with you is because her lover does not want to leave his wife. Truly sorry that you are here as you have children. It makes your situation complicated.


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## Satya

Do not make any rash decisions. 
Do not make ANY promises. 

This is YOUR life you are going to decide the future of. Your wife said what she wanted. 

You are figuring out what YOU want. 

She needs to EARN your trust back, and that may or may not be possible to do. 

I can't speak for you, but were I in your shoes, I'd divorce. I'd consider the marriage dead & broken, but if in a FULL YEAR of living APART, parenting APART, thriving APART, she was living a demonstrated, remorseful life, I'd consider dating her(if you still love her). That is what I would consider to be a successful reconciliation scenario. Staying married is not a must for R.

She has squandered, dumped on, and insulted the gift of marriage. You don't reward bad behavior unless you want to be stabbed in the back in the future. You don't make someone a priority that has with their consistent, repeated actions, made you an OPTION.


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## eastsouth2000

I would suggest you get some individual counseling. To see your situation in a different light.

In light of the recent events you must come in to terms with your own reality.

Harsh truth has come and struck you down. You know now that you could never control what your wife would do.

There is a possibility that your wife might cheat again.

You and Your WW must find the root cause of the marital problems.

And See if that can be fixed or if the solution to stay happy is to be unmarried.

If she can never be happy with you by her side. you have to let go.


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## ThePheonix

"_After the call ended, my wife apologized to me for for everything she has put me through and told me that she does love me. She said she was stupid for doing this and cannot believe she trusted anything this guys ever said. We discussed our situation and I stayed firm that I don't know what is going to happen and that I do not know if I will want to R or D but I told her regardless we need to build back trust and that is entirely on her right now."_

And if the OM would have told them he loves your wife and wants to be with her, and is filing for divorce to make that happen, she'd be telling you to F-ck off.
Here's the bottom line Dawg. You can never trust her again. What bases do you have----, her word, ----enough time going by where she doesn't cheat? You can always trust someone when they have no other options on the table.


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## eric1

I think that our hero is smart enough to know *exactly* what occurred when he exposed.

It's our job now, as Phoenix so adeptly states, to reassure him that this is the case because you can be sure that he's being hit with an onslaught of manipulation as we type these very messages.

She chose the OM. You don't get do-over pics in real life when what you picked doesn't work out.

That takes reconciliation off of the table. If our hero wants a life with this female in the future it would need to be within the context of a brand new relationship.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jsmart

Roselyn said:


> Your wife is really thick. *She was so sure that the OM would have her and leave his wife that she had to confront the wife! Surprise, surprise! Her lover did not want her.*
> 
> Now she's fallen back to Plan B and that is you. She was even surprised that you can envisioned a life without her. She truly believes that she has you wrapped around her finger. This is bad news.
> 
> Don't jump into reconciliation right away. Take the time to evaluate your situation. It seems like you could be heading towards divorce as the reason that *she is staying with you is because her lover does not want to leave his wife.* Truly sorry that you are here as you have children. It makes your situation complicated.


That's exactly why she confronted. She couldn't believe her chance with douche was slipping so she called the OBS to get to them bottom of it and possibly in hopes of sabatoging his relationship thinking his wife would kick him to the curb and he would come back to her. 

I have read so many stories like hers on Loveshack's OW section. Thread after thread of woman throwing away long term marriages with kids for some cheating POS. There are a handful of resident family destroyers that are CONSTANTLY giving their example of how they broke up their marriage with kids and got a man to do the same. Destroying 2 marriages is considered a success in wayward world.


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## turnera

frustrated, here's a list of things you should be requiring from your wife, even if you don't reconcile. This will be important for creating a healthy marriage if you stay together and if you don't, it will be important for HER to learn what the consequences feel like for cheating:

No passwords on all her electronics.
She hands over her electronics whenever you want to verify, with no balking.
She writes the OM a No Contact letter in which she explains that YOU are more important to her than HE is; you approve it and send it yourself. (this is important psychologically because when women cheat, they do so for that emotional connection, not the sex - you have to break that connection, and her telling him that he doesn't matter is vital)
She tells her parents (and hopefully your parents) what she did and asks them to forgive her for hurting you and the kids.
She attends as much MC counseling as you want.
She attends IC to figure out how she let this happen (probably goes back to FOO stuff, and she needs to work that all out).
She writes out a timeline of everything (important for emotional disconnect, to see all the tawdry details written about HER on paper). 
She signs a postnup agreement that you have written up that says if you catch her cheating again, she walks away with nothing, even major custody of the kids. (this may not hold up in court, but going through the motions is HUGE psychologically)

If she won't agree to these things immediately (no discussion), go straight to the lawyer.


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## Evinrude58

I've been the betrayed spouse, so I know how he feels. 
I think counseling is the way to go. It's so difficult to let that person you have planted roots with go.

However, after getting through this, I have absolute metaphysical certitude that the right thing to do is divorce. If she stays, he will be tortured having to think about this for the rest of his life-- knowing all along in his wife's eyes he is second best at most. Go on with your life with your kids and heal your mind. This is traumatic. Until you start healing you won't even realize the extent to which your cheating wife has screwed up your mind and view of things. You will be far better off finding a woman who thinks you are the finest thing since sliced bread, and never having to think of her being a disgusting adulterer.

She showed you how she really felt about you. Show her what kind of man you are by going on with your life and eventually finding someone that appreciates you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart

ThePheonix said:


> "_After the call ended, my wife apologized to me for for everything she has put me through and told me that she does love me. She said she was stupid for doing this and cannot believe she trusted anything this guys ever said. We discussed our situation and I stayed firm that I don't know what is going to happen and that I do not know if I will want to R or D but I told her regardless we need to build back trust and that is entirely on her right now."_
> 
> And* if the OM would have told them he loves your wife and wants to be with her, and is filing for divorce to make that happen, she'd be telling you to F-ck off.*
> Here's the bottom line Dawg. You can never trust her again. What bases do you have----, her word, ----enough time going by where she doesn't cheat? You can always trust someone when they have no other options on the table.


There is no doubt that if POS would have said he's leaving his wife and wanted OPs wife, she would have left RUNNING. There is also no doubt that she wanted to have his baby because she truly believed his future faking. Which is why she went to the lawyer. 
WWs will kick a family to the curb for their POS in a heartbeat.


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## TDSC60

Remember when your wife was told by you and the MC that the affair was not real?

Her response was "You don't know what we had".

After OM throws her under the bus, suddenly it is "I love you Frustrated".

She went from totally in love with OM and believing that he is her "soul mate" (gagged a little as I typed that) to suddenly loving you. Really? 

You can not believe what she says and I think you know this. You can not trust her and you know that also.

She has SHOWN you what you mean to her by cheating, lying, and choosing OM over you and the marriage time and time again, this you can believe.


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## Evinrude58

Indeed, loves OM one second, Mr plan B the next. No doubt this woman has problems knowing what " love" is. They don't know what they had???????

Apparently frustrated and the counselor knew EXACTLY what "they" had. It's called a despicable affair with a guy who was after some strange for a while. Certainly not real love.

I just hope frustrated realizes that this wasn't a "mistake" on her part like she will likely tell him, and sees that his wife CHOSE a piece of trash over him. 

I hope frustrated will report back what she tells him to try and keep her plan b secure. 

The fact that she actually called the OM's wife makes her intentions obvious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart

The thought of divorce has you fearful of the type of men that she'll parade through your kids lives. Men intuitively know that kids are psychologically damaged by seeing mommy with a new man every few months. 
Newly divorced moms are notorious for going on sex sprees. But you can't have that fear make you accept what she's done. With diligence, you can limit the damage your children will go through. A good, strong father goes a long way in stabilizing kids lives, even if it's in separate households.

File D, expose to her family & friends and go 180 on her. Once divorced, If she earns it, you can date and who knows maybe re-marry in the future. But going straight to R is going to damage you as a man. She'll talk a good game now but after the smoke clears, you'll still be triggering hard and she'll tire of being on probation to what she'll feel is a weak man. There are countless threads here of BHs that are miserably trying to tough it out with ungrateful FWWs.


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## TDSC60

Evinrude58 said:


> The fact that she actually called the OM's wife makes her intentions obvious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed.

She had her divorce plan ready and she thought that she could push OM or OM's wife to divorce.

She thought by doing this she could get back "what they had" which is all she wanted and still wants.

When OM tossed her under the bus she finally realized that he was gone, so she immediately switched back to Plan B. 

Evil. Still all about her and nobody else.


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## Marc878

You are clearly plan B. If it were me I would skip everything and go straight for divorce. Get as much financially as possible to move on. You have nothing here.

Good luck on whichever way you choose.


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## Kobold

She traded you in for a new model and only after realizing she had bought a lemon did she decide she wanted her old reliable model back again. If the OM had been everything he claimed to be reconciliation wouldn't even be an option for you cause she'd be with him right now planning her new life. I don't see how you'll be able to take her back and not resent being her fallback plan.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

I get the feeling that the OP doesn't like what he's hearing, so he bugged out of TAM.

He want's to believe that when his WS was crying after the phone call, it was for him and the pain he's in. That she's sorry for what she's done.

Most of us believe that the tears were for herself and the realization that the OM wasn't going to gallop off into the sunset with her. That she's only sorry for being caught because it put an end to her magical love story.

Her prince turned out to be a frog and her BS is now her best bet. Operation "Plan B" is now in full swing. On both sides.

Some wisdom has to be lived to be learned. We can only hope that the next time she does this to him, he'll have learned enough from this time to move on.


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## ing

A message to the choir. My ExW "Fell in love" with the other guy.

Once that happens it is over. 

My ExW tried to reconcile with me for 4 years. She swore blind that it was over between her and "the love she deserved" . I believe it was over but her feelings were not. 
I did not attempt to reconcile with her.

Things can not be unsaid
Things can not be undone 
Things can not be unfelt


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