# What is wrong with me?



## Sam29 (Jan 6, 2022)

I've recently separated from my husband. A couple months ago I found out that he stopped paying the mortgage and our house was in foreclosure. He kept the finances to himself... said he didn't want me to "worry". So, obviously, he lied repeatedly for the past two years. He wasn't even sorry for what he put us through, he only felt bad for himself. After finding out how much he has lied about, with no apology (and no home!) I just couldn't see a way forward except to leave. (There were other factors involved, lying in different areas of our marriage and lots of emotional manipulation, etc.) I moved out of state and have been staying with my mother, hopefully temporarily. So, I've left my home, my friends and everything I knew. I have to find a way to make an income and get some insurance. I'm basically starting from scratch. My mom and I have had a good relationship for the past 10 years or so. Before that, it was very turbulent. I think she can be very controlling and a bit overbearing. Over the past decade, however, I was able to put some healthy boundaries in place and we got along much better. But now, for some reason, she's pushing all the same buttons again. I'm so overwhelmed, I'm grieving, I'm teary. I'm very grateful to her for welcoming me home for a while, but at the same time I feel like I'm 15 again. I absolutely hate this. I hate the position my husband put me in. I hate being dependant on my mother. I also don't want to be a victim. I feel so powerless right now, though. I'm praying for a new perspective. I don't understand what's happening with me and why I'm reacting this way to her. Can anyone relate? Any advice, guidance or tips? I just want my life back... I want me back. Everything in my future looks uncertain and scary, and I seem to dissolve into a pile of tears daily. If you've read this far, thank you so much.


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

Maybe you should consider moving back to where you lived while you were married…is that an option? Since you have friends there…..would be a tough situation living with your mother if the relationship is going back to the old ways and is unhealthy. Time to move out of her house…what do you do for income? Try to find a job in your hometown and get your own place. Or ask a friend (if they are single) if you could be their roommate…or get an apartment and search for roommates to help pay the rent. The options are endless. This is a time where you can start your life over and be happy…go to school if thats what you always wanted to do. Move far away and explore new places etc


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## Sam29 (Jan 6, 2022)

MattOly94 said:


> Maybe you should consider moving back to where you lived while you were married…is that an option? Since you have friends there…..would be a tough situation living with your mother if the relationship is going back to the old ways and is unhealthy. Time to move out of her house…what do you do for income? Try to find a job in your hometown and get your own place. Or ask a friend (if they are single) if you could be their roommate…or get an apartment and search for roommates to help pay the rent. The options are endless. This is a time where you can start your life over and be happy…go to school if thats what you always wanted to do. Move far away and explore new places etc


Thank you, I appreciate your reply. I love your observation that my options are endless... I think that's the silver lining that keeps me going. I don't think moving back is realistic for me, as tempting as that is at times. My hope is to be able to move forward with healthier boundaries. I'd like to understand what relationship dynamic is taking place with my mother in the first place. I'm not sure that's possible, but it's a hope. My income currently is very minimal, definitely not enough. I do have a desire to go back to school so I can better take care of myself financially. I think I need a community, maybe a better support system. I pray that will come in time, as I get more settled and find opportunities to get involved in. Times of transition like this are very challenging for me, I don't embrace change very easily.  Thanks again for your feedback.


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

I was in your shoes just a few months ago. I was absolutely terrified of change, probably what kept me in a bad marriage. Its hard for everyone but it gets easier. You definately need a support system, thats why I kind of considered going back to where your friends live. Friends and family make it easier and keeps your mind off your ex and the divorce. I am excited for my future even if it is still a bit of an unknown, I just know things will get to where they need to be. Good luck! Everything will work out in the end. Maybe go to therapy as well as therapy has really helped me.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sam29 said:


> Thank you, I appreciate your reply. I love your observation that my options are endless... I think that's the silver lining that keeps me going. I don't think moving back is realistic for me, as tempting as that is at times. *My hope is to be able to move forward with healthier boundaries*. I'd like to understand what relationship dynamic is taking place with my mother in the first place. I'm not sure that's possible, but it's a hope. My income currently is very minimal, definitely not enough. I do have a desire to go back to school so I can better take care of myself financially. I think I need a community, maybe a better support system. I pray that will come in time, as I get more settled and find opportunities to get involved in. Times of transition like this are very challenging for me, I don't embrace change very easily.  Thanks again for your feedback.


The problem is, it's very difficult to instil let alone enforce boundaries with someone, when you are living in their home.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Sam29 said:


> Thank you, I appreciate your reply. I love your observation that my options are endless... I think that's the silver lining that keeps me going. I don't think moving back is realistic for me, as tempting as that is at times. My hope is to be able to move forward with healthier boundaries. I'd like to understand what relationship dynamic is taking place with my mother in the first place. I'm not sure that's possible, but it's a hope. My income currently is very minimal, definitely not enough. I do have a desire to go back to school so I can better take care of myself financially. I think I need a community, maybe a better support system. I pray that will come in time, as I get more settled and find opportunities to get involved in. Times of transition like this are very challenging for me, I don't embrace change very easily.  Thanks again for your feedback.


Your whole world just came crashing down very rapidly, being stressed and highly emotional seems like a pretty normal response to that. As far as your mom I think your just going to have to suck it up or sit her down and tell her I love you and appreciate you helping me but I need you to stop XYZ, it is making my stress and anxiety worse. I know my mother has got pretty nutty the older she gets. She gets really controlling with my sisters, doesn't do that with me because I would put a stop to that real quick. I do cut her some slack because she has had a rough 10 years. Moms have lots of opinions. 

I think it would help for you to get any kind of job you can get. Not because you need the money but a job will help take you mind off things and give you some sense of control. Just something to do and save up some money while you figure out whats next.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sam29 said:


> I've recently separated from my husband. A couple months ago I found out that he stopped paying the mortgage and our house was in foreclosure. He kept the finances to himself... said he didn't want me to "worry". So, obviously, he lied repeatedly for the past two years. He wasn't even sorry for what he put us through, he only felt bad for himself. After finding out how much he has lied about, with no apology (and no home!) I just couldn't see a way forward except to leave. (There were other factors involved, lying in different areas of our marriage and lots of emotional manipulation, etc.) I moved out of state and have been staying with my mother, hopefully temporarily. So, I've left my home, my friends and everything I knew. I have to find a way to make an income and get some insurance. I'm basically starting from scratch. My mom and I have had a good relationship for the past 10 years or so. Before that, it was very turbulent. I think she can be very controlling and a bit overbearing. Over the past decade, however, I was able to put some healthy boundaries in place and we got along much better. But now, for some reason, she's pushing all the same buttons again. I'm so overwhelmed, I'm grieving, I'm teary. I'm very grateful to her for welcoming me home for a while, but at the same time I feel like I'm 15 again. I absolutely hate this. I hate the position my husband put me in. I hate being dependant on my mother. I also don't want to be a victim. I feel so powerless right now, though. I'm praying for a new perspective. I don't understand what's happening with me and why I'm reacting this way to her. Can anyone relate? Any advice, guidance or tips? I just want my life back... I want me back. Everything in my future looks uncertain and scary, and I seem to dissolve into a pile of tears daily. If you've read this far, thank you so much.


I guess your mom figures she's got you right where she wants you which is her young daughter again. The answer is pretty simple really. Get two jobs, one full-time job and one part-time job on your days off. If you're in the United States literally anyone can get a job right now so there's no excuse. If you have transportation problems get them as close to home as possible. You'll be gone all the time so your mother won't have a chance to ride you. Put most of your money away in savings so you can get out sooner rather than later. Sorry your man turned out to be dishonest and got you in a bind.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Hugs. It's so hard. I wish I had some helpful advice for you, but I'm a mess too. If i could take you out for a cup of coffee i would. I promise though, it'll get better. And in 10 years, you'll look back on this and know that a stronger woman was forged in the fire.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Oh, and down by the river nailed it. Build yourself back up better than ever. You can do this!!


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## NotSureAnyMore1 (Dec 8, 2021)

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time. I am going through same what you are going through. I understand why you feel that you are powerless. This is how do I think about me growing up and getting married. I need to work on myself (education, courses, ..), find a job to secure an income, look for a person to marry and get married, have kids, and work outside and inside your home for the family. Then through out the years, I ensure my family's needs are satisfied and ensure that my income grows as my family because I need to save money and invest to buy the family house. 

But after all of the hardworking days through out the last 11 years, my wife betrayed me and distorted our marriage and family. After all kind of support and empowerments to my wife (paying her school tuitions fully for years, paying for all of her expenses and crazy shoppings, standing with her during her master degree, ...), she betrayed me because she want to live her life as a marriage person but does not carry or help with the house, kids, marriage responsibilities. She abandoned her husband and family and worked on a escaping plan. 

My wife depended on lies to make me look bad and to sympathize people and government to receive helps. She had no evidence supporting what she was saying about me and people do not ask usually, but government does. 

I felt powerless, very sad, broken, and betrayed at the beginning. The reason I felt powerless was because I was not able in the beginning to respond, expose her lies, save our kids from her, expose her escaping plan, show that she is a terrible mother and wife. But then and after a few days I sanded up and reached out to some of these people and government agencies exposed her by sending some of the evidence that I have to proof she is layer. 

I learned a lot from the forums here. I hired a lawyer and started working on protecting my kids from her. My marriage taught me a big listen but unfortunately left me with a big pain.

So, moving on and standing on your feet sooner than later is important, so you do not sink. Give yourself some time after fighting back. 
As of now, I am trying to secure a better live for my kids, stable their life, and create a small wealth for them no one can touch except them when they are old and mature enough. In the other hand, I find it extremely difficult and painful to live my life with no sex and a female as a wife that is around me, but there is nothing I can do other than keeping myself busy all the time because in my religion and culture, having love or sex should be only happen when you are married. I hate that to be honest, but in the same time I hold on to it.

If we got attached to a partner that became a bad partner as we advance in our lives and nothing is working to fix the issues, then acting early to end up that relation is a healthier choice but it gets complicated if you have kids. 
It is important to get yourself together, stand up, do what you need to do (seeking recommendation, consultation, lawyer), act, and move on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP people have given you good advice, I just wanted to say - Nothing is wrong with you. Your husband turned out to be jerk, and it's hard to live with one's parents, they just always think of you as their kid. 

Just ignore it and work to get out of there. Your life is not over and you will be OK.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Sam29 said:


> Thank you, I appreciate your reply. I love your observation that my options are endless... I think that's the silver lining that keeps me going. I don't think moving back is realistic for me, as tempting as that is at times. My hope is to be able to move forward with healthier boundaries. I'd like to understand what relationship dynamic is taking place with my mother in the first place. I'm not sure that's possible, but it's a hope. My income currently is very minimal, definitely not enough. I do have a desire to go back to school so I can better take care of myself financially. I think I need a community, maybe a better support system. I pray that will come in time, as I get more settled and find opportunities to get involved in. Times of transition like this are very challenging for me, I don't embrace change very easily.  Thanks again for your feedback.


@Sam29, I'm so sorry that you find yourself in such a tough situation, with both your H and your Mom. My first thought was also to maybe look at moving back to where you and your H lived, but move in with a friend. If that's not a great option though, I would say that your best option would probably look at moving out of your mother's house. Do you have any friends or acquaintances where you currently live? Maybe see if one of them would like a roommate temporarily? I'm sorry also that your mother is treating you like a teenager; I have one of those too, and it really hurts to be treated in such a juvenile, disrespectful way by a parent. I hope that this situation changes for you, but it will probably take a LOT of work and pushing back from your end, only to be pushed back on by your mother. I'm sure your mother just wants to protect you, but it's unfortunately that she also probably doesn't realize the harm she's doing. For that reason, I hesitate to say that changing your situation with her will happen, and that you're best bet is to move and accept your mother how she is. Also, limit your contact with her!


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