# I NEED HELP! I ABSOLUTELY HATE MY MOTHER IN LAW.



## ale.diazh

Hello everyone, 

I am 25 years old just got engaged to my fiance (30) about two years ago his parents came from another country to stay with us which they stayed for 6 months, long story short his mother shamelessly and viciously did everything she could to break my fiance and I up. Unfortunately at the time he did not see through her despite my efforts to make him see all the horrible things his mother was doing to me (from speaking ill about me to our close friends to insulting my body, to calling me names to my face) he would not stand up for me and I did not deserve that kind of treatment so I broke up with him and moved out almost immediately after his parents left the country. After a year of him asking for forgiveness and insisting that he made a mistake that he now could see all the wrong his mother did, after going to counselling we mended things with each other, got engaged and moved back together. We are happy, being together feels like home.
The big problem is that his mom is due to come back at some point and because of everything she did to me and all the pain that she caused I cannot stand her, the pure thought of her coming back into our home makes me want to vomit. My fiance on the other hand used to be very closed to her before all of these stuff happened and is looking forward to seeing her which I understand because she is his mom and I get it. 
Whenever she calls I get into a horrible mood and what makes it even worst is that she is pushing to come back, she is constantly harassing my fiance that she wants to come back which drive me even more nuts because in my mind I'm thinking you broke our home !! and you have the audacity to want to came back at least wait until we invite you and we are ready to have you back. 
The thought of having to see her again makes my insides twist and my fiance knows this i have made it very clear that I highly despite his mother, and I don't know who is in the right or what we should do.
During the time he was trying to get me back I constantly rejected him because of his mother and I said this word by word to his face " I don't think I can be with you because of you mother, I hate her too much." He reassured me that I would be marrying him and not his mother which know I realize is not entirely true. I DO LOVE HIM, me and him we are amazing together we thrive together we are happy. BUT his freaking mom I don't know what to do. 
I try I truly try to see past the awful time but I can't, I don't want to see her, I don't want to spend time with her, I don't want to speak to her. 
Any advice anyone? I really need it.


----------



## Anastasia6

Break up with your fiance. Don't look back. He will never not have his mom. Once you are married she may even want to move in and he seems like he is too complacent to tell his mom no.

You may even win this fight but it will be a fight your whole life.

You either have to learn to tolerate her and hope your husband is true to his work (it is waaaay easy to say he backs you when mom isn't there)

If you idiotically wish to continue with this relationship then I'd invite her BEFORE you get married. Test your fiance see if he lets her continue to berate you, put you down, insult you. I would personally run.

If you want to have her come. You should call her and invite her. Use this call to set boundaries, say you'd like to welcome her into you and your fiance's home but that should she feel it necessary to call you names in your home or try to break up your relationship in YOUR home that she will not be able to stay in your home. She will either have to go back home or stay at a hotel at her expense. Of course you need to make sure your fiance is on board.

If he isn't willing to back up his word to you then he won't 5 years from now when he is comfortable and just sure that you won't leave him.

I have to say one more time though the best advice is to run.


----------



## Spicy

Just because she comes to visit does _not _mean she has to stay in your home.

Let her get a hotel. She can’t afford that? Gee, that’s a shame. She will need to save up for a while, and her visit will have to be much shorter. What a pity....

It’s rude to not have his mother stay with you guys? Well it was beyond rude what all she did when you allowed her to freeload in your home last time. She burned that bridge, and there are consequences.

Stand your ground on this issue with your fiancé. When/if she comes, he can go hang out with her, and can see her minimally on YOUR terms.


----------



## ale.diazh

Anastasia6 said:


> Break up with your fiance. Don't look back. He will never not have his mom. Once you are married she may even want to move in and he seems like he is too complacent to tell his mom no.
> 
> You may even win this fight but it will be a fight your whole life.
> 
> You either have to learn to tolerate her and hope your husband is true to his work (it is waaaay easy to say he backs you when mom isn't there)
> 
> If you idiotically wish to continue with this relationship then I'd invite her BEFORE you get married. Test your fiance see if he lets her continue to berate you, put you down, insult you. I would personally run.
> 
> If you want to have her come. You should call her and invite her. Use this call to set boundaries, say you'd like to welcome her into you and your fiance's home but that should she feel it necessary to call you names in your home or try to break up your relationship in YOUR home that she will not be able to stay in your home. She will either have to go back home or stay at a hotel at her expense. Of course you need to make sure your fiance is on board.
> 
> If he isn't willing to back up his word to you then he won't 5 years from now when he is comfortable and just sure that you won't leave him.
> 
> I have to say one more time though the best advice is to run.


Anastasia I am so heartbroken and literally in tears, because I know you are right. I don't want to leave him but he is also the only son which makes everything even worst. I don't want to do it ):


----------



## EleGirl

I had a horrible mother-in-law "MIL". She was horrible for the 5 years we dated before we got married.

When she came to our wedding, she came into the door and was a *****. She insulting the wedding, me, may family, etc. One of my sisters let me know about this.

So I pulled my MIL aside and told her that she was welcome to stay for the wedding and the dinner afterwards. But, if she kept up her bad mouthing I was calling a taxi and having her removed. She could go home and be miserable there. 

It worked, she behaved herself the rest of the night.

Unfortunately she did not behaver herself for all the years after we got married. 

I don't know what culture your fiancé is from. But in some cultures a daughter-in-law is under the thumb of the MIL.


----------



## ale.diazh

Spicy said:


> Just because she comes to visit does _not _mean she has to stay in your home.
> 
> Let her get a hotel. She can’t afford that? Gee, that’s a shame. She will need to save up for a while, and her visit will have to be much shorter. What a pity....
> 
> It’s rude to not have his mother stay with you guys? Well it was beyond rude what all she did when you allowed her to freeload in your home last time. She burned that bridge, and there are consequences.
> 
> Stand your ground on this issue with your fiancé. When/if she comes, he can go hang out with her, and can see her minimally on YOUR terms.


She comes all the way from IRAN to CANADA money is an issue he is the only son ): he wants to see his parents he did not see the for like 15 years. This is a whole emotional circus.


----------



## EleGirl

ale.diazh said:


> She comes all the way from IRAN to CANADA money is an issue he is the only son ): he wants to see his parents he did not see the for like 15 years. This is a whole emotional circus.


She is from Iran. 

Is your fiancé and his mother Muslim? Are you Muslim?

She is most likely very traditional regardless of her religion. Is she perhaps shocked that he's living with you before marriage?


----------



## ale.diazh

EleGirl said:


> I had a horrible mother-in-law "MIL". She was horrible for the 5 years we dated before we got married.
> 
> When she came to our wedding, she came into the door and was a ***. She insulting the wedding, me, may family, etc. One of my sisters let me know about this.
> 
> So I pulled my MIL aside and told her that she was welcome to stay for the wedding and the dinner afterwards. But, if she kept up her bad mouthing I was calling a taxi and having her removed. She could go home and be miserable there.
> 
> It worked, she behaved herself the rest of the night.
> 
> Unfortunately she did not behaver herself for all the years after we got married.
> 
> I don't know what culture your fiancé is from. But in some cultures a daughter-in-law is under the thumb of the MIL.


His mom is Turkish,


----------



## ale.diazh

EleGirl said:


> She is from Iran.
> 
> Is your fiancé and his mother Muslim? Are you Muslim?
> 
> She is most likely very traditional regardless of her religion. Is she perhaps shocked that he's living with you before marriage?


 She is muslim but doesnt really practice, my fiance says he doesn't have religion he just believes in god type of thing. He had been married/divorced before she knew about my fiance and I living together since the beginning 4 years we lived together with them knowing before they came to stay. I am Mexican by the way.


----------



## EleGirl

ale.diazh said:


> His mom is Turkish,


Not all that different.

Is she upset about you living with him while you are no married?

I'm from a very traditional background. So I'm just thinking about how they would have reacted.


----------



## EleGirl

ale.diazh said:


> She is muslim but doesnt really practice, my fiance says he doesn't have religion he just believes in god type of thing. He had been married/divorced before she knew about my fiance and I living together since the beginning 4 years we lived together with them knowing before they came to stay. I am Mexican by the way.


Has she made any remarks about you living with him or that you are not Muslim?

Do you have any idea how she treated his ex-wife? 

I'm not asking to be harsh with you, it's just that I know how some cultures are.


----------



## ale.diazh

EleGirl said:


> Not all that different.
> 
> Is she upset about you living with him while you are no married?
> 
> I'm from a very traditional background. So I'm just thinking about how they would have reacted.


They knew (both his mom and dad) that we were living together from the beginning of the time that means 4 years before they came to visit ( I brought them here to see their son by the way). My fiance had a failed marriage before me and they did not seem to have issues with me, they knew I am not iranian that I was mexican and there were no issues there. Everything began with his mom about 3 months in after they arrived she went freaking nuts.


----------



## EleGirl

ale.diazh said:


> They knew (both his mom and dad) that we were living together from the beginning of the time that means 4 years before they came to visit ( I brought them here to see their son by the way). My fiance had a failed marriage before me and they did not seem to have issues with me, they knew I am not iranian that I was mexican and there were no issues there. Everything began with his mom about 3 months in after they arrived she went freaking nuts.


Hm... I wonder what got her upset after 3 months. Do you have any idea?


----------



## ale.diazh

EleGirl said:


> Has she made any remarks about you living with him or that you are not Muslim?
> 
> Do you have any idea how she treated his ex-wife?
> 
> I'm not asking to be harsh with you, it's just that I know how some cultures are.


Thats completely fine I need help, Not that I know of but then I feel like my fiance does not tell me what she says to avoid any further tension between me and her, because on top of everything she does not speak English. She never met his ex-wife who was Caucasian (idk if that matters). 
My fiance and her were very close like unhealthy close and I understand thats the reason why she is so nasty to me because she "lost" her baby boy and does not have him all to herself anymore, the huge problem here is that I DESPITE her and is causing problems between me and my fiance, because he wants to see his mom but the only way that can happen is if she stays with us because of money and such but I cannot tolerate her at all!!


----------



## ale.diazh

EleGirl said:


> Hm... I wonder what got her upset after 3 months. Do you have any idea?


I think its because my fiance started paying more attention to me, the whole my mom and dad are here emotion started to fade and he started to miss me. I was giving them space to spend time with each other so I was often kind of in the background, but once he came back to me hell broke loose. 
Also at the time I started a very demanding job that left me absolutely exhausted, I was walking about 19000 steps in an 8 hour shift ( i am a nurse) and often i would come home and sleep which she translated as lazy and was not taking care of her of her 30 year old baby.


----------



## Anastasia6

OH boy wait until the Dad dies. She will want to live with her only son. This will not get better.


----------



## ale.diazh

Anastasia6 said:


> OH boy wait until the Dad dies. She will want to live with her only son. This will not get better.


Fuuuuuuuuckkk didn't think of dad dying..


----------



## marriage2013

I have been in your shoes...it took 10 years for things to finally get better and we have only been married for 11 years. Do you really want to be in that situation? If he is unable to cut the cord, then there is no hope. The only reason why things got better for me was due to the fact that I stood my ground but it took 10 years of my life. Looking back, my husband and I had so many issues and his attachment to his mom just escalated things. There is nothing worst then not having your spouse standing up for you. You are always in second place when it comes to his mother. If I could do it again, I probably would run fast. It is not worth it. I ended up getting sick due to the stress because of my mother in law and my husband didn't care. To him, his mom was perfect.


----------



## EleGirl

ale.diazh said:


> I think its because my fiance started paying more attention to me, the whole my mom and dad are here emotion started to fade and he started to miss me. I was giving them space to spend time with each other so I was often kind of in the background, but once he came back to me hell broke loose.
> Also at the time I started a very demanding job that left me absolutely exhausted, I was walking about 19000 steps in an 8 hour shift ( i am a nurse) and often i would come home and sleep which she translated as lazy and was not taking care of her of her 30 year old baby.


Lazy? Hardly. Yea my ex-MIL had the same things to say about me. I was working as software engineer/project manage and putting him through medical school. But I was lazy and not taking care of her baby boy. LOL She lived about a 4 minute drive from us. It was not good.

It does sound like a jealousy thing. And there is the expectation how her baby boy should be treated.

I can only imagine how she will treat you if you have kids with her son. 

Unless your fiancé is willing to read her the riot act and keep her from harassing you, I don't see it changing. Having to live with her for months is not acceptable. 

Are you considering ending your relationship?


----------



## ale.diazh

marriage2013 said:


> I have been in your shoes...it took 10 years for things to finally get better and we have only been married for 11 years. Do you really want to be in that situation? If he is unable to cut the cord, then there is no hope. The only reason why things got better for me was due to the fact that I stood my ground but it took 10 years of my life. Looking back, my husband and I had so many issues and his attachment to his mom just escalated things. There is nothing worst then not having your spouse standing up for you. You are always in second place when it comes to his mother. If I could do it again, I probably would run fast. It is not worth it. I ended up getting sick due to the stress because of my mother in law and my husband didn't care. To him, his mom was perfect.


10 years is a long time.


EleGirl said:


> Lazy? Hardly. Yea my ex-MIL had the same things to say about me. I was working as software engineer/project manage and putting him through medical school. But I was lazy and not taking care of her baby boy. LOL She lived about a 4 minute drive from us. It was not good.
> 
> It does sound like a jealousy thing. And there is the expectation how her baby boy should be treated.
> 
> I can only imagine how she will treat you if you have kids with her son.
> 
> Unless your fiancé is willing to read her the riot act and keep her from harassing you, I don't see it changing. Having to live with her for months is not acceptable.
> 
> Are you considering ending your relationship?


I know hell is going freeze over once i have kids... I ended our relationship before for this exact reason he promised me he would have my back that's the only reason I came back, without his mother in the picture we are very happy. Which makes me hate her even more somehow.


----------



## ale.diazh

ale.diazh said:


> 10 years is a long time.
> 
> 
> I know hell is going freeze over once i have kids... I ended our relationship before for this exact reason he promised me he would have my back that's the only reason I came back, without his mother in the picture we are very happy. Which makes me hate her even more somehow.


Sounds like you were or are? in a similar situation how is it turning out?


----------



## EleGirl

ale.diazh said:


> Fuuuuuuuuckkk didn't think of dad dying..


Another thing to think of about when your future father-in-law passes away is that under Islamic law, married men and women have separate assets. When the husband dies, the wife inherits only 1/8 of her husband's assets.

"For the wife, it is either 1/8 or 1/4, again, depending on if there are children. Other fixed shares are 1/6 for the father, and 1/6 for the mother. The rest goes to the children, with two shares for the son for every share for the daughter."​







Islamic Inheritance Guide for American Muslims


A comprehensive guide to Islamic Inheritance for American Muslim by Islamic Estate Planning Attorney Ahmed Shaikh. Inheritance is an obligation for Muslims, it is also considered half of all useful knowledge.




islamicinheritance.com




Does your husband have any siblings?

It does not sound like your future in-laws are well off. If your FIL passes away, your MIL will get 1/8 of the assets. You can see who the rest goes to. The idea is that a son is supposed to take his mother in and take care of her.

Both Iran and Turkey have religious based family law and inheritance law.

If your MIL does not have her own wealth...

Just something else for you to contemplate.


----------



## ale.diazh

EleGirl said:


> Another thing to think of about when your future father-in-law passes away is that under Islamic law, married men and women have separate assets. When the husband dies, the wife inherits only 1/8 of her husband's assets.
> 
> "For the wife, it is either 1/8 or 1/4, again, depending on if there are children. Other fixed shares are 1/6 for the father, and 1/6 for the mother. The rest goes to the children, with two shares for the son for every share for the daughter."​
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Islamic Inheritance Guide for American Muslims
> 
> 
> A comprehensive guide to Islamic Inheritance for American Muslim by Islamic Estate Planning Attorney Ahmed Shaikh. Inheritance is an obligation for Muslims, it is also considered half of all useful knowledge.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> islamicinheritance.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Does your husband have any siblings?
> 
> It does not sound like your future in-laws are well off. If your FIL passes away, your MIL will get 1/8 of the assets. You can see who the rest goes to. The idea is that a son is supposed to take his mother in and take care of her.
> 
> Both Iran and Turkey have religious based family law and inheritance law.
> 
> If your MIL does not have her own wealth...
> 
> Just something else for you to contemplate.


No siblings.


----------



## EleGirl

ale.diazh said:


> No siblings.


So MIL might come live with your husband, in your house. If you marry him, you need to prepared for that.


----------



## ale.diazh

EleGirl said:


> So MIL might come live with your husband, in your house. If you marry him, you need to prepared for that.


I don't want any of that at all. I simply don't want her in my life period she crossed the point of no return.


----------



## EleGirl

ale.diazh said:


> I don't want any of that at all. I simply don't want her in my life period she crossed the point of no return.


I'm sorry. I know this is hard.


----------



## ale.diazh

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry. I know this is hard.


Should I face her? speak to her directly and just full out tell her word by words how I feel and the whys , how i feel about her coming to here. I feel like thats my only hope. I can't just pack my feelings down and drown in my own rage and resentment, she's got to know what she did even though she has never tried to talk to me about anything.


----------



## EleGirl

ale.diazh said:


> Should I face her? speak to her directly and just full out tell her word by words how I feel and the whys , how i feel about her coming to here. I feel like thats my only hope. I can't just pack my feelings down and drown in my own rage and resentment, she's got to know what she did even though she has never tried to talk to me about anything.


I would not talk to her about this. She will take your doing that as an attack no matter how reasonable you try to be. She will take it to her son and twist whatever you say to make you look bad. And she will never let that go.

It's bad that your future MIL has taking this attitude with you.

It's even worse that your fiancé will not stand up to his mother and set her straight.

How long is Mommy Dearest supposed to stay this time?


----------



## heartsbeating

EleGirl said:


> I would not talk to her about this. She will take your doing that as an attack no matter how reasonable you try to be. She will take it to her son and twist whatever you say to make you look bad. And she will never let that go.
> 
> It's bad that your future MIL has taking this attitude with you.
> 
> It's even worse that your fiancé will not stand up to his mother and set her straight.
> 
> How long is Mommy Dearest supposed to stay this time?


I'm of the view, as EleGirl suggested, to not talk to her about this.

Often with train platforms, there's a message indicating the distance of safety, advising us to 'Keep Clear' . So when that crazy train (her behavior) is coming your way, stand back and keep well clear.

For any lasting impact, it would need to come from her son outlining his expectations of her is to treat you with respect, and if she can't manage that, she isn't welcome to stay. However, based on what you have shared, it sounds unlikely that your fiance will do this.


----------



## ale.diazh

EleGirl said:


> I would not talk to her about this. She will take your doing that as an attack no matter how reasonable you try to be. She will take it to her son and twist whatever you say to make you look bad. And she will never let that go.
> 
> It's bad that your future MIL has taking this attitude with you.
> 
> It's even worse that your fiancé will not stand up to his mother and set her straight.
> 
> How long is Mommy Dearest supposed to stay this time?


I want to do this with him there, but this woman is too much of a beast to be spoken to like a regular person


heartsbeating said:


> I'm of the view, as EleGirl suggested, to not talk to her about this.
> 
> Often with train platforms, there's a message indicating the distance of safety, advising us to 'Keep Clear' . So when that crazy train (her behavior) is coming your way, stand back and keep well clear.
> 
> For any lasting impact, it would need to come from her son outlining his expectations of her is to treat you with respect, and if she can't manage that, she isn't welcome to stay. However, based on what you have shared, it sounds unlikely that your fiance will do this.


i was planning to do this with him included in the conversation


----------



## heartsbeating

Personally, I think if you're there, it doesn't convey the message as strongly than if it's just coming from him. And it needs to be his truth... not just him saying words because he thinks he needs to for you.


----------



## EleGirl

ale.diazh said:


> I want to do this with him there, but this woman is too much of a beast to be spoken to like a regular person
> 
> i was planning to do this with him included in the conversation


Does he know you are thinking of taking to her with him present?

Does he really acknowledge that she mistreated you? Or does he just take your word for it?


----------



## ale.diazh

EleGirl said:


> Does he know you are thinking of taking to her with him present?
> 
> Does he really acknowledge that she mistreated you? Or does he just take your word for it?


I feel like he does but at the same time I feel like his moms victim act gets to his head, he wants to believe that she did not mean to hurt anyone.


----------



## ale.diazh

heartsbeating said:


> Personally, I think if you're there, it doesn't convey the message as strongly than if it's just coming from him. And it needs to be his truth... not just him saying words because he thinks he needs to for you.


Mmmhhh you are right, he did this once already according to him and she cried for a whole day and hated me even more after. I just don’t think mixing me and her I’m a house for too long is a good idea period. We r gonna end up killing each other because I am so defensive at this point that anything she does I’ll take as aggression.


----------



## heartsbeating

ale.diazh said:


> Mmmhhh you are right, he did this once already according to him and she cried for a whole day and hated me even more after. I just don’t think mixing me and her I’m a house for too long is a good idea period. We r gonna end up killing each other because I am so defensive at this point that anything she does I’ll take as aggression.


And really, for it to be his truth, he needs to be prepared to lose the relationship with her. Doesn't mean it needs to happen, but in these scenarios, it's beneficial to let go of any perceived outcomes - and be okay with it. 

The risk to the relationship between you and him, if it's not his truth, and his mother does distance herself / doesn't respect what he's saying and reacts emotionally, that he could become resentful towards you. This is why it needs to come from him, and be his truth. He's got to be solid in what he's saying, and solid in whatever the outcome is.


----------



## ale.diazh

heartsbeating said:


> And really, for it to be his truth, he needs to be prepared to lose the relationship with her. Doesn't mean it needs to happen, but in these scenarios, it's beneficial to let go of any perceived outcomes - and be okay with it.
> 
> The risk to the relationship between you and him, if it's not his truth, and his mother does distance herself / doesn't respect what he's saying and reacts emotionally, that he could become resentful towards you. This is why it needs to come from him, and be his truth. He's got to be solid in what he's saying, and solid in whatever the outcome is.


I guess I have to trust that he will Step up for our home and relationship or leave him...


----------



## Anastasia6

Well to be honest you are going to have to figure out how to either leave him for good or let go of that first meeting.

IF and I say big IF he had a serious talk with his mother and she realizes that her son is unhappy about how she treated you and won't tolerate it then when she comes or next you talk with her you can't come in with such a hateful attitude. Deserved or not. He will not 'leave' his mother and most likely will support her when the dad dies because 'what else can I do' " she's all alone' "you don't understand how it is in Iran" 

And really do you really want a man who would abandon his other in a country that she would be able to go to the store without a male relative (who her husband is dead and her only son is not there)?

The ball is in both your fiance and yours court. You must figure out a way to try to start over. He must figure out a way to set firm boundaries with his mother. If either fails then you are in for a lifetime of misery.

AND do not marry or have children with him until you have figured out how this is going to turn out. Because it is real easy for him to say he will not let her do this again when she is miles away and not there. It is also easy for you to say that if she treats you right you will let bygones be bygones.

I am not sure either one of you has it in you. I've been in a long term relationship with someone similar to your husband. When I finally got out, I never looked back and thank God almost daily that I didn't marry him. I would have been miserable. I had been with him 2.5 years and we were supposed to get married when we got out of college. 

Your husband most likely will not change. If he stood in the room while his mother insulted you, you should be mad at him. This is cowardice. It is past loving mummy. He can see it with his own eyes and it is his place to intervene with family. BTW. After that incident why didn't you leave. I mean right then, grab your coat and just go. When he called you to ask you where you went that would have been a perfect time to set your boundaries with him as to what you are and what you will not accept. He might have addressed it then and stopped you from having 3 months of hell and all this resentment. OR he wouldn't and you still would've saved yourself 3 months of hell and all this resentment. And you would have known when push comes to shove he chooses mummy and she will make him choose.


----------



## ale.diazh

Anastasia6 said:


> Well to be honest you are going to have to figure out how to either leave him for good or let go of that first meeting.
> 
> IF and I say big IF he had a serious talk with his mother and she realizes that her son is unhappy about how she treated you and won't tolerate it then when she comes or next you talk with her you can't come in with such a hateful attitude. Deserved or not. He will not 'leave' his mother and most likely will support her when the dad dies because 'what else can I do' " she's all alone' "you don't understand how it is in Iran"
> 
> And really do you really want a man who would abandon his other in a country that she would be able to go to the store without a male relative (who her husband is dead and her only son is not there)?
> 
> The ball is in both your fiance and yours court. You must figure out a way to try to start over. He must figure out a way to set firm boundaries with his mother. If either fails then you are in for a lifetime of misery.
> 
> AND do not marry or have children with him until you have figured out how this is going to turn out. Because it is real easy for him to say he will not let her do this again when she is miles away and not there. It is also easy for you to say that if she treats you right you will let bygones be bygones.
> 
> I am not sure either one of you has it in you. I've been in a long term relationship with someone similar to your husband. When I finally got out, I never looked back and thank God almost daily that I didn't marry him. I would have been miserable. I had been with him 2.5 years and we were supposed to get married when we got out of college.
> 
> Your husband most likely will not change. If he stood in the room while his mother insulted you, you should be mad at him. This is cowardice. It is past loving mummy. He can see it with his own eyes and it is his place to intervene with family. BTW. After that incident why didn't you leave. I mean right then, grab your coat and just go. When he called you to ask you where you went that would have been a perfect time to set your boundaries with him as to what you are and what you will not accept. He might have addressed it then and stopped you from having 3 months of hell and all this resentment. OR he wouldn't and you still would've saved yourself 3 months of hell and all this resentment. And you would have known when push comes to shove he chooses mummy and she will make him choose.


The first time this happened I did leave him, after they left I instantly broke up with him and moved out to my own place. We stayed apart for 1 year. He did everything in his power to get me back and I honestly gave in. 
I understand it would be cruel for that woman to stay in iran by herself once the husband dies ( husband also hates her btw they can't stand each other, I have so much respect for him in the 6 months he was here he never, not even one gave me an ill glance. ) I go into rage when my fiance mentions the possibility of her coming back, I am Mexican and we are very emotional people and it shows , I truly do my best to control it so I don't say anything to hurt him I cannot imagine having to bottle it up for 3 months while she is here to visit.


----------



## Anastasia6

ale.diazh said:


> The first time this happened I did leave him, *after they left I instantly broke up* with him and moved out to my own place. We stayed apart for 1 year. He did everything in his power to get me back and I honestly gave in.
> I understand it would be cruel for that woman to stay in iran by herself once the husband dies ( husband also hates her btw they can't stand each other, I have so much respect for him in the 6 months he was here he never, not even one gave me an ill glance. ) I go into rage when my fiance mentions the possibility of her coming back, I am Mexican and we are very emotional people and it shows , I truly do my best to control it so I don't say anything to hurt him I cannot imagine having to bottle it up for 3 months while she is here to visit.


The bolded part is part of the problem. You let this go on for 3 months while she was here. You teach people how to treat you and you let her treat you this way and him not do anything about it. So after, she left then baby boy is all ohhhh I"m sorry and it won't happen again. Easy to say but he sat there for 3 months of this. BUT so did you.

Also don't bottle it up. Read about forgiveness, meditate, and decide you are going to be the bigger person. You don't know what mile she has walked so to speak. She may partly be terrified you are going to take her baby boy away and what will happen to her? Doesn't justify it. We don't know anything about the ex-wife really about how those two got along and who instigated what. You husband probably wouldn't tell you the truth anyway, he's an avoider. None of that excuses her behavior but if you want to move forward with this relationship you will have to find a way to forgive. Otherwise take my advice and run. Miserable in laws especially mommy's and their little boys are the stuff of nightmares. ANd you think wait til I have children. Yes just wait, you will be good and stuck in the relationship then and that is when many families become wayyyy worse. Of course it is also a time when family can be much better.

If you can't forgive and move forward. I also suspect that eventually your husband will resent that you don't get along with his mom.


----------



## pastasauce79

Oh my!

I have a good friend who is from the middle east and she has so much drama in her life it's just ridiculous.

Their culture is like a Mexican telenovela 10x! 

My friend can't keep her parents from making her her feel guilty for everything!!! It's exhausting. 

Even if you plan on having a conversation with her, it won't matter because you don't share the same culture. She won't back down. She will be always right and in control. 

Her son can't do nothing to solve this. Family honor is the rule even if they are not very religious.

I would run from this relationship. 

His mom is always going to be present in your relationship. If you have kids together, she will be there. If her husband dies, she will live with you.

I don't understand their culture. They are too dramatic and too intense in their beliefs.

I'm sorry! Good luck!


----------



## jlg07

So, HE needs to take control of this. If he hears his mother saying sh*t about you, then HE needs to put a stop to it.
Also, nothing says YOU have to take her crap either -- tell her off. DON'T let her stay with you both --- hotel for sure.
IF she says anything and EVERY TIME she says anything, call her on it. Make sure from your fiance that YOU expect him to put a stop to this, because this visit is his last chance to make it right.


----------



## ale.diazh

ale.diazh said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I am 25 years old just got engaged to my fiance (30) about two years ago his parents came from another country to stay with us which they stayed for 6 months, long story short his mother shamelessly and viciously did everything she could to break my fiance and I up. Unfortunately at the time he did not see through her despite my efforts to make him see all the horrible things his mother was doing to me (from speaking ill about me to our close friends to insulting my body, to calling me names to my face) he would not stand up for me and I did not deserve that kind of treatment so I broke up with him and moved out almost immediately after his parents left the country. After a year of him asking for forgiveness and insisting that he made a mistake that he now could see all the wrong his mother did, after going to counselling we mended things with each other, got engaged and moved back together. We are happy, being together feels like home.
> The big problem is that his mom is due to come back at some point and because of everything she did to me and all the pain that she caused I cannot stand her, the pure thought of her coming back into our home makes me want to vomit. My fiance on the other hand used to be very closed to her before all of these stuff happened and is looking forward to seeing her which I understand because she is his mom and I get it.
> Whenever she calls I get into a horrible mood and what makes it even worst is that she is pushing to come back, she is constantly harassing my fiance that she wants to come back which drive me even more nuts because in my mind I'm thinking you broke our home !! and you have the audacity to want to came back at least wait until we invite you and we are ready to have you back.
> The thought of having to see her again makes my insides twist and my fiance knows this i have made it very clear that I highly despite his mother, and I don't know who is in the right or what we should do.
> During the time he was trying to get me back I constantly rejected him because of his mother and I said this word by word to his face " I don't think I can be with you because of you mother, I hate her too much." He reassured me that I would be marrying him and not his mother which know I realize is not entirely true. I DO LOVE HIM, me and him we are amazing together we thrive together we are happy. BUT his freaking mom I don't know what to do.
> I try I truly try to see past the awful time but I can't, I don't want to see her, I don't want to spend time with her, I don't want to speak to her.
> Any advice anyone? I really need it.


----------



## Spicy

I stand by my first comment, which solves SO much of this. She can’t stay in your home. She did, she blew it, and that ship has sailed. If your finance won’t go for it, because of finances, or culture or whatever, then you have your answer. Do NOT let this woman near enough to you to hurt you like this again. Keep her right where YOU want her, not the other way around. 

I have lived through my fair share of “mama drama”. Have a relationship only at a distance. On your terms. She had her fair shot at it. If he wants a doormat wife, don't let it be YOU! Let his mama control someone else!


----------



## Spicy

In fact, I’m a fan of your MIL being just a tad bit in fear of _you. _Not the other way around.


----------



## SpinyNorman

ale.diazh said:


> I don't want any of that at all. I simply don't want her in my life period she crossed the point of no return.


Reasonable. 

Explain to your husband she can never stay in your home, and you will leave for good if he's not on board with this. Don't be insulting to him, I am just trying to explain it briefly.

You'd probably also want to say if she wants to visit he has to arrange it for when you're out. He should be allowed to see her as he likes.

As for what she or her culture expects, you're just not interested.


----------



## NextTimeAround

My exMIL once said to me in unguarded moment that the death of her future MIL was the best thing that ever happened to her relationship with my exH's late father. The youngest and only son, he was 15 when his father died so he became his mother's surrogate husband.


----------



## Kamstel2

You said your fiancé hadn’t seen his parents in 15 years? Is that going to repeat itself? If so, I’d stay with your fiancé, but he does need to understand what she was doing and how inappropriate she was .

I


----------



## EleGirl

Anastasia6,

When is his mother coming? Is travel from other countries allowed with the coronavirus pandemic?


----------



## Laurentium

NextTimeAround said:


> My exMIL once said to me in unguarded moment that the death of her future MIL was the best thing that ever happened to her relationship with my exH's late father. The youngest and only son, he was 15 when his father died so he became his mother's surrogate husband.


I had to draw a diagram to figure that out....


----------



## Laurentium

Seriously, I think you deal with your husband. He deals with his mother. If he won't, you need to plan to get out.


----------



## Anastasia6

EleGirl said:


> Anastasia6,
> 
> When is his mother coming? Is travel from other countries allowed with the coronavirus pandemic?


Doesn't matter I wouldn't be locked into a life commitment until i knew how this was going to play out. 

My best guess is there will be travel internationally sometime between Sept 20 to Jan. 21.


----------



## Anastasia6

Or let me say, IF I thought about marring or having children with this man. I'd sit down and discuss what the future was supposed to look like. Will I ever be expected to host mom in the house? If yes wait. If no get it in writing. What happens if dad dies and mom want to live with us? What happens when we have a child will the that change anything about the answer to visits.

When I say get it in writing. I mean a pre-nup. One that clearly states if mom ever stays with us or lives with us you get everything in the divorce. Does two things. Gives husband something to help him keep his word and sets you up for the most certain future.

I say this because I've seen this play out over and over. I partially lived it but I really do think the smartest thing I ever did was leave the man I thought I loved because I could see the future. I found a much better man and I don't have to fight with his family.

I could be wrong but they most likely would travel for the wedding, the birth of a son and the whole what happens when her husband dies. 

My husband has made it clear I am before all others including family. But your fiance has made it plain that he puts his mom first. If he was standing in the room while she insulted you or refused to believe him when you told him FOR 6 months you have your answer who is first. He says he talked to her on the phone, Did you hear the conversation? Was it in English? Do you speak their language? Avoiders, avoid. I don't trust your fiance. And I don't wish to see you struggle or set yourself up for divorce. It is obvious you have great animosity toward this woman. It is obvious your fiance cares a lot for his mom. Men lie when it comes to these things. I think they think it will all work out or something but most the time it doesn't work out.

When my MIL came here she pushed some of my boundaries and made me mad with her ungrafefullness. But nothing like what you are saying. More space and ungratefulness than rude or mean. I told my husband one day when I was particularly high strung that this was bothering me. He said, " I will walk right in there now and tell her she has to go someplace else if you want." This was to a diabetic wheelchair bound woman with no where else to go. (Don't get me wrong she had enough money for a hotel). That calmed a lot as I realized no matter how much space she took up in my house, no matter how ungrateful she was, no matter how passive aggressive she is (which really sets me off cause I"m a no games kinda person, that it didn't matter. Just like ever other crisis in our lives we would get through this together as a team. I didn't have him go in and tell her. I calmed down and she still lives here today being ungrateful and wanting to break quarantine.

My point is your fiance doesn't have your back. He says he does but the only actions he has taken in this regard is he doesn't. I wouldn't jump all in without knowing that when push comes to shove he chooses you. Of course I take marriage as a life long commitment and so I take marrying someone very seriously. Some people if it isn't working bail but that gets a lot harder once you have kids.


----------



## GC1234

Truthfully, you're going to have to test him out to see if he really has your back. If he does not, do not marry him. It will only cause a lot of resentment. I am in a similar situation with my husband, he doesn't really have my back at all with certain family members/situations, and we have been unable to solve it so far. You're lucky because you're not married yet, and you know already that there is a problem...I didn't realize it until fairly recently.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

GC1234 said:


> Truthfully, you're going to have to test him out to see if he really has your back. If he does not, do not marry him. It will only cause a lot of resentment. I am in a similar situation with my husband, he doesn't really have my back at all with certain family members/situations, and we have been unable to solve it so far. You're lucky because you're not married yet, and you know already that there is a problem...I didn't realize it until fairly recently.


The OP hasn't been back to this thread in over a month.


----------



## aine

Run for the hills. you are only 25 years old and can get a man whose mother will cherish you. 
The different culture, the different religion, critical mother in law, etc are all powder kegs. Marriage is hard enough without being married to a man child who will put his mother first. it will get worse when children come along cause she will insist they are brought up in her faith, and he will agree. 
He did not stand up for you when it mattered and your relationship was young and fresh. What makes you think he will do better this time.
I suggest you let her come and visit, be decent but if she tries her **** give it back to her. I think after that you will want to leave anyhow. it would surprise me if not. See if your fiance will stand up for you this time, if not you know what to do.


----------

