# Dreaming about my first love..



## mlo13 (Jan 14, 2022)

Hello,

I've been with my husband for 8 years, he's a great dad and great husband, but lately, I've been dreaming about my first love which I met in Mexico. I used to go to Mexico every summer as a kid, and when I was maybe around 15 or 16 I had my first boyfriend. He and I only lasted around 2-3 months which was the time I was in Mexico for the summer break. We never kept in contact after I came back from the states because we broke up and that was the last time I'd been to Mexico. The last I heard from him was through an aunt that said he didn't live in the same city that I used to go to and that he had gotten married and had a kid. I think I dream about him because I've felt the love I have for my husband has faded. I hate to say it but is true. I sometimes believe I only married him to get out of my parents' house. Again, he is such a good spouse and everything but don't feel truly in love with him. 
I dream that I go back to Mexico and magically bump into my first love and just carry on our relationship like nothing ever happened. Again, I have no way to contact him and idk if I do want to communicate with him, but there's always going to be that question in my head, "what would have happened if we stayed together?".
Does anyone deal with a similar situation?

-M


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think everybody dreams about their past. But there's a reason you didn't stay with him and he didn't stay with you. Now you're both married and I just bet he intends to stay that way. If you're unhappy in your marriage, deal with that head on and decide if you want to stay married or not. Maybe you married too young. Maybe you just didn't like being alone. Maybe you're not really cut out for marriage. But what you don't do is go sneaking around on someone who's been a good husband just so you can sort out your feelings and see what the options are. If you're not happy thinking about staying with him 20 years into the future, then leave legally and go be single and take your chances. My guess is that no matter who you married, after 8 years of marriage you wouldn't feel like you were in love with them either. If you never felt passionate about your husband, then maybe you just made a bad decision. But if you ever did, then you just have to realize your capacity.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If you aren't "truly in love with him" as you say, you shouldn't have married him. And now you are fantasizing about getting together with men from your past.

I feel so sorry for your husband.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

mlo13 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I've been with my husband for 8 years, he's a great dad and great husband, but lately, I've been dreaming about my first love which I met in Mexico. I used to go to Mexico every summer as a kid, and when I was maybe around 15 or 16 I had my first boyfriend. He and I only lasted around 2-3 months which was the time I was in Mexico for the summer break. We never kept in contact after I came back from the states because we broke up and that was the last time I'd been to Mexico. The last I heard from him was through an aunt that said he didn't live in the same city that I used to go to and that he had gotten married and had a kid. I think I dream about him because I've felt the love I have for my husband has faded. I hate to say it but is true. I sometimes believe I only married him to get out of my parents' house. Again, he is such a good spouse and everything but don't feel truly in love with him.
> I dream that I go back to Mexico and magically bump into my first love and just carry on our relationship like nothing ever happened. Again, I have no way to contact him and idk if I do want to communicate with him, but there's always going to be that question in my head, "what would have happened if we stayed together?".
> ...


First: in reference to your first love- you're living in lala land. with memories of something that was and it can not loger ever be. Faded memories that live in your brain as impressions of a young teen in a teen-romance that would have not real life value in your today's reality.

Second: you are a pathetic and dishonest person in reference to your sucker of a husband. A man that is good to you, but not good enough as your fantasy man in your brain's romance. If you are not in love with your husband, then what the **** are you doing with this man? wasting his time in this life with somebody that is not in love with him. Do him the honest, morally correct thing to do and leave him, divorce him, and tell him that you really are not in love with him, and never were. that it was a mistake in your part to think that you could love him. He should be able to find someone that would really love him. He deserves that.

And yes a to your question:



mlo13 said:


> Does anyone deal with a similar situation?


A lot people in this world had a first love that lives, in your memory as that fantasy which we see in Hallmark movies, but that's what they are, memories of something that was but realistically speaking would never be the case in the present time. it would be just like any other relationship starting, learning to know each other and finding if you are really compatible.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

mlo13 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I've been with my husband for 8 years, he's a great dad and great husband, but lately, I've been dreaming about my first love which I met in Mexico. I used to go to Mexico every summer as a kid, and when I was maybe around 15 or 16 I had my first boyfriend. He and I only lasted around 2-3 months which was the time I was in Mexico for the summer break. We never kept in contact after I came back from the states because we broke up and that was the last time I'd been to Mexico. The last I heard from him was through an aunt that said he didn't live in the same city that I used to go to and that he had gotten married and had a kid. I think I dream about him because I've felt the love I have for my husband has faded. I hate to say it but is true. I sometimes believe I only married him to get out of my parents' house. Again, he is such a good spouse and everything but don't feel truly in love with him.
> I dream that I go back to Mexico and magically bump into my first love and just carry on our relationship like nothing ever happened. Again, I have no way to contact him and idk if I do want to communicate with him, but there's always going to be that question in my head, "what would have happened if we stayed together?".
> ...


What have you done over the years to keep the love strong? If nothing you could try working with him to reignite the flame. It's not an uncommon tale. But marriage requires constant maintenance or it will have a shelf life. Love is something you do actively and intentionally.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

You dated him for 2-3 months. 

You are dreaming about new relationship energy from the mind of a 15 or 16 year old. That's about as unrealistic as it gets. 

Don't get me wrong, new relationship energy is awesome, but it doesn't matter who you are with. That will fade. Your mind is also not fully developed until 25 years old, so your perception back then wouldn't be like it is now. 

Still, nothing wrong with wanting something different. Just let your husband know first. He deserves that so that he can go find someone that loves him too.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Love is something you do actively and intentionally.


What you say is true to a point. You can love somebody, but not being in love with that somebody. Then it's the physical attraction, you can love or be in love to someone that you are attracted to physically, but if you are not physically attracted to that person. then you will never be in love. That's a fact. So actively maintaining and working towards keeping the love may be futile in some cases where there's really not true love.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> What you say is true to a point. You can love somebody, but not being in love with that somebody. Then it's the physical attraction, you can love or be in love to someone that you are attracted to physically, but if you are not physically attracted to that person. then you will never be in love. That's a fact. So actively maintaining and working towards keeping the love may be futile in some cases where there's really not true love.


This is true, I guess I am assuming most people getting married have real love, which in reality isn't always the case and sounds like that was likely not the case here with the OP.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How this looks to me is that you are feeling like your marriage is stale and are longing for that "in love" feeling you had when you were a young woman. Dwelling on your young love is magical thinking. You are only thinking about an immature relationship based solely on feelings with no responsibilities.

You are using your brain to think these thoughts. You are in control of your brain. These fantasies are damaging your marriage by causing you to be less and less satisfied with the current version of your life that doesn't line up to the magical romance that you have conjured up in your brain. You aren't really even thinking about your old "love." You are dreaming about the person that you have created that looks like a 15 year old boy that you had a summer romance with. You are no longer a child, yet your are literally dreaming about a child in your fantasy life. Think about how unrealistic and foolish this is.

It is time to face up to reality and to honor your marriage. Since you are not currently in love with your husband, but are seeking some romance, your best course of action is to stop these damaging fantasies. Start thinking about the things that you love about your husband. Nurture your positive thoughts about your husband. Do not dwell on the negative. If there are things that need attention, attend to them, talk about them, work through them, but don't dwell on negative aspects of your husband and marriage. Dwell on the positive aspects.

Love has to be nurtured. It's not so much work as it is feeding your marriage. Both of you need to feed it. You are wrapped up in boring dutiful life. There is more to marriage than that. Talk to your husband about your longing for more romance and passion in your relationship and work together to build something wonderful. Put your focus on building, rather than tearing down. The biggest problem you have is that you have been diligently working to tear down your marriage by introducing magical thinking about how you want things to be. Instead, build your marriage by thinking about what's good about your husband and marriage, and doing things to deliberately build love and passion.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

You honestly sound like you are not mature enough to be in a marriage..... Its a little weird you are dreaming about a 15 year old kid from your past that you don't even remember exactly how long it lasted.

To be blount, instead of daydreaming about puppy love from when you were a teenager. Why not focus on your current marriage that is real, and figure out how to get some excitement back?? You say he is a great guy that treats you well..... Why not put in the effort to make a great marriage?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Its important to remember that while it's easy to fall into fantasy land when things aren't smooth sailing at home, nobody can compete with a fantasy. That's because nobody actually is a fantasy, including your old bf. He'd just come with a different set of issues.

So first and foremost forget about the fantasy foolishness. Make some real effort with your hb. Lots of people go through doldrums in long term relationships.

What sort of effort have you made? Have you spoken to him and given him the courtesy of knowing where his marriage stands?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yeah......


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is very common, almost to the point of being universal. 

At 8 years you are at a point in your marriage where the honeymoon phase is over the horizon and the daily grind of real life of bills and clogged toilets and diapers and car repairs etc etc etc etc etc etc has taken full root. 

Now it's easy to look back and remember being full of teenage hormones and the discovery of first love etc and looking back at being hormone-fueled teenager in an exotic location for a first summer romance is obviously going to make cleaning up puke and listening to Barney signing "I love you, you love me..." in the background for the 8,365,243,918.634th time look pale by comparisson. 

But it's not real. it's an old memory of a past life that has been so highly edited and refined that it is now such a glamorized and glorified vision in your minds eye that it has no more realistic meaning than watching a romance movie or porn flick. It's a spectre, a fantasy. 

But I don't want to diminish the importance of this moment. This is a serious issue that is not to be taken lightly. I'm sure you have heard of the 7 Year Itch. This is that! People can do some real dumb things and make some life-altering mistakes. 

This is a wake up call. The is a warning shot across your bow. This is a red flag and warning sign that work needs to be done INSIDE your marriage. 

If you don't want to do something dumb or destroy the marriage and home and family you have, you need to address your discontent and wandering heart. For some couples it's a matter of getting out and getting away from the kids and clogged toilets and start getting out for some dates again and finding some fun hobbies together again. 

Others may need to get into some actual professional marital counseling. And some will need to do so serious soul-searching and heart to heart discussions on if they truly want to remain together or not. 

But even if your journey leads you to believe you no longer want to remain in your marriage,, your first BF and "what may have been" is likely just a dellusion and fantasy.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

mlo13 said:


> Does anyone deal with a similar situation?
> 
> -M


Nope, I certainly don't. First off I don't think of girls I dated in high school. Second I married my college sweetheart and eventually we divorced after her affair, so no way in hell do I think of her. Lastly, my former girlfriend's prior to my second marriage are former girlfriend's for a reason.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Your poor husband. Comparing a 7 year relationship/marriage with children and real life to a teen crush lasting a few weeks while you are in holiday is crazy. 

Please stop dwelling on this crush and be thankful that you have a good husband.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

So, cards on the table, my answer might be a little colored by the fact that my ex-wife left me for her high school sweetheart, who she thought was her soulmate. She definitely stated a lot of the things people on here have. We had been married for 15 years, have two kids, she wanted to feel "in love" again, etc. Probably a lot of the same things you are going through.

That being said, I've actually studied memory as part of my career (at least, historical memory) and people often daydream about the past and have nostalgia for something that was not really there. The past is often better than we remember it to be because our memory tricks us in that way. Nostalgia can be dangerous, in a sense, because we convince ourselves that things were better and we can get those things again. But times change, people change, and the past is not always as great as we thought it was. And even if elements of the past were better than the present, that does not mean that your present cannot get back on track, whether it is a relationship, career, etc. 

I think it is normal to think a path you could have taken would have been better, but there is no way to prove that. And we should grow over time as humans so what you want now should not be what you wanted when you were 15 or 16. As oldshirt posted, your marriage may be on the rocks and you may not want to remain in it, but the thing with the first boyfriend is probably just a fantasy. Fantasies are fantasies for a reason--they almost never play out the way they do in our heads.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The man is married with a child. You are married with children. Move in. Don't ever try and contact him.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

mlo13 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I've been with my husband for 8 years, he's a great dad and great husband, but lately, I've been dreaming about my first love which I met in Mexico. I used to go to Mexico every summer as a kid, and when I was maybe around 15 or 16 I had my first boyfriend. He and I only lasted around 2-3 months which was the time I was in Mexico for the summer break. We never kept in contact after I came back from the states because we broke up and that was the last time I'd been to Mexico. The last I heard from him was through an aunt that said he didn't live in the same city that I used to go to and that he had gotten married and had a kid. I think I dream about him because I've felt the love I have for my husband has faded. I hate to say it but is true. I sometimes believe I only married him to get out of my parents' house. Again, he is such a good spouse and everything but don't feel truly in love with him.
> I dream that I go back to Mexico and magically bump into my first love and just carry on our relationship like nothing ever happened. Again, I have no way to contact him and idk if I do want to communicate with him, but there's always going to be that question in my head, "what would have happened if we stayed together?".
> ...


Are you pulling our legs?

Also, how old are you? You don't sound like a rational adult. Please re-read what you said and put yourself in your husband's place. Can you imagine how you'd feel if he was thinking this?

You sound like a teenager with zero common sense.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> The man is married with a child. You are married with children. Move in. Don't ever try and contact him.


I think you meant move on not move in!


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

OP, Imagine you are reading this from your husband about his childhood sweetheart? How would you feel? I think you are really lacking in empathy if you are comparing your real, flesh and blood husband with flaws, faults, and as someone else said, unclogging toilets, to a fantasy seen through rose-tinted glasses of a child. It's not a fair comparison. 

Let me ask you this - how do you think YOU compare to his ideal woman in the eyes of your husband?


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Wow, wallowing in the muck of some teen age lust fest from a summer? 
And you're comparing your feelings for your husband with that? 
You're settled in and don't like the predictability and lack of newness, that's what that sounds like. 

I'm getting very concerned about what you're going to do to your H.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Usually such fantasies about re-discoving your first love are totally harmless.

BUT, in this case that is not so. Instead of working on your marriage and fixing what is wrong....you are fantasizing about some other stuff.

A LOT of people marry someone they do not really love....and for all sorts of reasons. they got pregnant, they were financially destitute, they were pressured by their family.
But in most of those cases, over the years they LEARN TO LOVE their spouse.

I challenge you to learn to love your spouse right now. you have been married 8 years, but apparently not fruitful years. how about taking the next 6 months and really going all out to try to spark some real love between the two of you.

heck, if it does not happen after you have really tried....then you can finally say without guilt that it is never going to happen.

btw, you can still fantasize....just shift it to brad pitt, or whoever is a hot young guy right now that you like! Just give your husband some too!


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You've been reading too many trashy "love" novels.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> I think you meant move on not move in!


Yes!!! Thank you for pointing that out.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Print out your first post and show it to your husband. Maybe some honest communication will be what is need to get your marriage moving in a better direction… at least he’ll realize what he has gotten himself into.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

7-8 years is when you’re in the slog. So it’s only normal to question things and wonder if you made the right choice.

I know around the 7 year mark I was like hmm… is this right?

Well we’re pretty close to celebrating 25 years now and we’re firing on all cylinders. My advice to old me would be to figure out what is missing when you’re already with someone great and make it happen now; don’t take no for an answer.

If you’re lacking passion, why? What would fix it? Talk with your husband about it and figure it out together as a couple.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe your husband has spent the last 8 years dreaming of the one that got away and recently realized he shouldn’t have settled for you.


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