# Is it time to separate or is this normal?



## Jenny25 (Feb 24, 2013)

I started dating my husband about 6 years ago when I was 23 after getting out of an abusive relationship. He was a breath of fresh air from my last relationship. We dated for 2 years, lived together for 1 year and then were engaged for 1 year and have now been married for 2 years. 

Our relationship started with passion only, then he slowly wanted more and I enjoyed the security of having him around so I went with it, next thing I know we are living together and he starts a new job and everything turned around. We stopped having sex for about 6 months, then would have sex maybe once a month if I initiated it. He proposed and I accepted because I felt like that was what I should be, I was at an age where I should be engaged. The whole year we were engaged and I planned the wedding I had second thoughts we rarely ( by rarely i mean once a month or every other month) had sex and sex is important to me. I brushed off my seconds thoughts as wedding day jitters telling myself what a good man he was and how lucky I was. 

Now 2 years of marriage later and I am wondering what the hell I am doing. Don't get me wrong my husband is a good man, he is kind, he has a good job and makes good money, takes care of me financially and is great on paper, but I don't have feelings of love for him, in fact he annoys me quite often. His job has him working out of town 3-5 days a week and my job keeps me at our home.

We have no kids, obviously with the little sex we have.

The question I have is are my feelings normal, do all women feel this way after being married, or is this something unique to me or women who should separate? I am not happy and not sure what to do. On the flip side my husband thinks everything is great and tells me he loves me all the time...apparently sex isn't important for him. We have had talks about the sex and he says he will change, but he doesn't. We have had talks about him getting a new job where he isn't out of town, but he never does....

So that's it I am confused....looking for advice....

UPDATE 3/24
If I can get opinions from any men that would be great. I would like to point out that I am fit/athletic so for those of you that think it is appearance based I look and weigh the same as when we married and have tried EVERYTHING to seduce him from dressing up to learning to pole dance and nothing works.

I tried confronting him about why and he said he just isn't that into sex. It sounds like BS to me, still frustrated, but in counseling now, well just me. He isn't up for it, although I told him he needed to go to the doctor and get tested and get counseling on his own. 

I have one foot out the door, I have NEEDS.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your feelings are pretty common among women who aren't getting the intimacy that sex creates/

You have a right to be upset about it for sure.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old is your husband? What kind of shape is he in?

And no, it's not normal.

C


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## Jenny25 (Feb 24, 2013)

My husband is 31 and decent shape. He doesn't work out, but he eats healthy. I wouldn't call him fat. He is stocky about 6 feet 200 pounds.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, he could go for a physical anyway, and rule out low testosterone. 

Since he's out of town so much, are you sure he's not getting his sexual needs met elsewhere?

C


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## Jenny25 (Feb 24, 2013)

I don't think he is, I actually asked him about that once, but he got so upset, not in an angry way, but in a sad way that I never had the guts to approach the subject again. Try my best to entice him sexually, but it doesn't always work.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

How often are you having sex now? I'd tend to think something is going on when he's out of town. But, I don't get him reacting in a "sad" way. Almost seems like deflection to me, but I guess any response could be read that way.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jenny25 said:


> I don't think he is, I actually asked him about that once, but he got so upset, not in an angry way, but in a sad way that I never had the guts to approach the subject again. Try my best to entice him sexually, but it doesn't always work.


It's relatively rare for someone to just up and confess if they're asked the question without any proof being shoved in their faces.

Personally, I think it's time to stop worrying about hurting his feelings, and time to start getting pissed off about his lack of effort in meeting your needs. One of the big issues with spouses of differing drives is that the LD spouse doesn't usually see that there's a real problem. To them, everything is just fine, if the HD spouse would just stop nagging them. Whereas the HD spouse has unmet intimacy needs, feelings of rejection, and likely their love languages aren't being spoken. To them, it's a HUGE problem. And the only way to get things turned around is to get the LD spouse to understand that there IS a problem. They have to buy into the fact that they need to start making serious changes, or the marriage is in jeopardy.

C


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## Jenny25 (Feb 24, 2013)

just_about_done said:


> How often are you having sex now? I'd tend to think something is going on when he's out of town. But, I don't get him reacting in a "sad" way. Almost seems like deflection to me, but I guess any response could be read that way.


We have sex now only when I initiate it which is about two times a month sometimes 4.


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## Jenny25 (Feb 24, 2013)

PBear said:


> It's relatively rare for someone to just up and confess if they're asked the question without any proof being shoved in their faces.
> 
> Personally, I think it's time to stop worrying about hurting his feelings, and time to start getting pissed off about his lack of effort in meeting your needs. One of the big issues with spouses of differing drives is that the LD spouse doesn't usually see that there's a real problem. To them, everything is just fine, if the HD spouse would just stop nagging them. Whereas the HD spouse has unmet intimacy needs, feelings of rejection, and likely their love languages aren't being spoken. To them, it's a HUGE problem. And the only way to get things turned around is to get the LD spouse to understand that there IS a problem. They have to buy into the fact that they need to start making serious changes, or the marriage is in jeopardy.
> 
> C


We have had talks about sex drive differences and what you described is exactly how I feel. I basically told him it was a serious issue and he promised me he would work on it, but he hasn't. I do need to stop worrying about hurting his feelings and be honest. I just need to figure out how to do that.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Jenny25 said:


> We have had talks about sex drive differences and what you described is exactly how I feel. I basically told him it was a serious issue and he promised me he would work on it, but he hasn't. I do need to stop worrying about hurting his feelings and be honest. I just need to figure out how to do that.


Print this out and hand it to him...



> I started dating my husband about 6 years ago when I was 23 after getting out of an abusive relationship. He was a breath of fresh air from my last relationship. We dated for 2 years, lived together for 1 year and then were engaged for 1 year and have now been married for 2 years.
> 
> Our relationship started with passion only, then he slowly wanted more and I enjoyed the security of having him around so I went with it, next thing I know we are living together and he starts a new job and everything turned around. We stopped having sex for about 6 months, then would have sex maybe once a month if I initiated it. He proposed and I accepted because I felt like that was what I should be, I was at an age where I should be engaged. The whole year we were engaged and I planned the wedding I had second thoughts we rarely ( by rarely i mean once a month or every other month) had sex and sex is important to me. I brushed off my seconds thoughts as wedding day jitters telling myself what a good man he was and how lucky I was.
> 
> ...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jenny25 said:


> We have had talks about sex drive differences and what you described is exactly how I feel. I basically told him it was a serious issue and he promised me he would work on it, but he hasn't. I do need to stop worrying about hurting his feelings and be honest. I just need to figure out how to do that.


I was the guy in your situation, but after 17 years of marriage, and two kids, a mortgage, etc. And yes, at some point you need to stand up for your needs.

C


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Yeah, deal with this now. The resentment is only going to grow, and eventually something's going to have to give. Start working on it now while you still have enough good will towards him to fix things.

And (I feel like I say this so often it should just be my signature, but...) don't have kids until you workt his out! H and I have had unprotected sex just once in our marriage and we have 2 kids. And kids make things ten thousand times more complicated.


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## guyinsocal (Feb 25, 2013)

Hi Jenny25...
I've been in a simliar position in the sense that my wife and I used to be very sexualy active. And slowly as her figure went I lost interest and she became the one intiating sex and I was the one avoiding it. Was I cheating? No, did I think about it? Of course..I'm a guy.
Call me vain but us guys are turned on by what we see, I know women are different in that aspect. 
As time progressed I got over it, she got some of her figure back and we now have a healthy sex life. With 3 kids, work, all the after school activities and hobbies and all of the daily stressors we are able to make it happen...even if its a quickie in the garage or bathroom.
My guess...he's either not interested or attracted to having sex with you...or he's getting it else where.
I wish you luck.


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