# Adult daughter and dating



## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Nothing tragic or earth shattering but wanted your thoughts on something my wife and I argued about recently. We have been married 27 years and have 4 kids. 

My oldest daughter (24) is currently living with us. My daughter has no problem driving to her BF or dates house to meet up and go out. She also has a new car that she bought versus days gone buy when she had a old beater. My wife is very upset that my daughter does this. She feels it is a mans duty and responsibility to pick up the girl. This is for safety and just being a real man. My daughter on the other hand feels she is more comfortable doing it this way in many cases. Not all the time and after they have been dating long enough she will have him come pick her up from the house. Kind of depends what their plans are and where they are going that night. So this has been a trend through the years.

The daughter and I are very close and she will be moving out in the next month or two. She was living with us because we moved states for a job and she moved with us after she graduated college and has been trying to secure full time employment. She has been working but just got the full time offer with a good company. She is a good girl and respects herself. She normally makes the man step up and be a man. The losers don't last long with her. She doesn't allow men to treat her poorly but will also put in the work when there appears to be a future.

Of course I can't give you every detail but the crux is my wife is upset that I don't raise a stink about this, that men should be men and that it is wrong to condone a young women driving around late at night. My wife is a good women but very opinionated and strong willed. I have to be on my game at all times with her. That allows her to stay in her feminine but if she senses weakness in me she slides to the masculine and then we have problems. In fact the more I step up the more she likes it. Oh that is a story for a different fourm. 

So I am doing gut check here. Thoughts??


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Tell your wife that if your daughter got in a situation, at least she could get herself away, instead of being held captive till she could find a way home. Times are different now too, we have to adjust.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife needs to back off. Yes, it's normal to worry about your children even when they are adults but you have to know when to let go.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Apparently your wife is of the opinion she should be told to shut up, get back in the kitchen and do the dishes.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

As a woman, I totally DISAGREE with your wife. If new/untested/untried BF picks her up at YOUR house, she is at HIS MERCY to bring her home (if you don't live in a MAJOR metropolitan area, GOOD LUCK getting a cab!)

By driving to HIS house (or better still driving to the restaurant), she is in CONTROL of the situation...she can LEAVE when SHE wants to leave. She is NOT dependent on him AT ALL if she doesn't feel right about a situation. With a cellphone, driving home alone at night is NOT as dangerous as it was when WE were kids!

Your wife is thinking that daughter's date can protect her from a rapist...what if *HE* is the potential rapist? Sad we have to think like this, but it's only prudent! HE is more likely to pose an immediate danger to her than a random stranger.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I too have several children, five to be exact. My eldest is a boy who is turning 24, my next is a daughter who is 21 and in college. My daughter does attend a college near home and comes home on the weekends frequently. She is also dating a young man who attends the same college but just happens to live just a couple miles down the road from us. They drive back and forth together. My daughter also is a good girl, picks good quality guys to date, etc. So, I think we have some things in common.

Here is my thought. You did your parenting, and now she is an adult. She lives in accordance to your values, doesn't do stupid stuff, it is time to respect her choices. It is not like she is picking the guy up and paying for the dates.

Your wife needs to learn to pick her battles, understand that she is still a parent but her role has changed (with her adult children), and value and respect the decissions these adults make. This does not mean she doesn't give advice and guidence when needed.

In my opinion, your daughter is being more sensible than your wife - as she is correct in having more control over her safety in her own car. She is past the age of having to bring her dates home to meet you, so why not if it makes her feel safer.

I understand where your wife is coming from in wanting your daughter to pick guys who are going to step-up-to-the-plate and treat her right. But, if she has instilled this as part of her parenting, and you set a good example by the way you have treated your wife, your daughter will be looking for someone who will open her door for her, etc.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I admire your wife's way of thinking. Years ago it used to be an admirable way of your daugher's date meeting her parents.

However..in this day and age..I don't blame your daughter for meeting her date and taking her own vehicle. Times have changed and if she's feeling uncomfortable in any way during the date..she has her own vehicle and can leave on her own..when she wants.

Explain this to your wife. Chilvary is still there..however..not always on the first date and I give your daughter credit for realizing that. However nice a guy might be...there are several reasons for his date to take her own car until a relationshipis established.

I applaud your daughter for playing it smart. Dating these days is NOT like it used to be.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

I think your wife needs to "modern up."

Really...a 24 year old grown woman driving to her boyfriend should not be an issue.

It's nothing.

If this is among her big problems with her daughter, she's a lucky woman!


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

What if the guy drives fast or is irresponsible with driving. I would rather my daughter drive, whom i know and trust . I have been in many situations where the guy tries to show off by driving fast or whatever. She also gets to leave any situation that she feels uncomfortable with. Let her drive!


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Your daughter is 24 and your wife still wants to mother her?

Good luck...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> As a woman, I totally DISAGREE with your wife. If new/untested/untried BF picks her up at YOUR house, she is at HIS MERCY to bring her home (if you don't live in a MAJOR metropolitan area, GOOD LUCK getting a cab!)
> 
> By driving to HIS house (or better still driving to the restaurant), she is in CONTROL of the situation...she can LEAVE when SHE wants to leave. She is NOT dependent on him AT ALL if she doesn't feel right about a situation. With a cellphone, driving home alone at night is NOT as dangerous as it was when WE were kids!
> 
> Your wife is thinking that daughter's date can protect her from a rapist...what if *HE* is the potential rapist? Sad we have to think like this, but it's only prudent! HE is more likely to pose an immediate danger to her than a random stranger.


Agree she has control and a way out, plus thank God it's a new car! I would hate getting stranded by a old broken car, puts you not only in danger but at the mercy of strangers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Do you think your wife is a bit jealous of your daughter''s Independance? It's not unheard of a mother to feel like their daugheter is living the mothers secret dream life. Just a thought 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Interesting responses.

Here's my take.

A female friend of mine has a daughter around 28 yrs old. Very independent girl, own car, but lives home still .An educated professional , in a well paying job.
Whilst her daughter was at university, she had a LTR boyfriend who the mother disliked a whole lot. Boyfriend was a very respectable , decent fellow, but didn't have a car, girl had to drive him around, she had a part time job , he didn't, and so on.

Mother did everything to stop the relationship, and she was successful. Daughter took her advice and dumped boyfriend, even though like her mother she was very strong willed.

Daughter met another young man, not as educated as her, but has a good job , building a house , owns a truck and handles his business like a man should. Daughter usually runs errands for home, drives herself to work, or to hang out with her girlfriends etc. But whenever she's going out with boyfriend , he comes home to pick her up and they either leave in her car or in his truck, and they come back together. He lives a considerable distance away from her.
But he makes sure she safely at home.
I asked the mother why she didn't like boyfriend #1 and why she adores fiancee [ yes they're engaged to be married.].After all her daughter was just like her, strong willed , very educated and independent.

She told me that she disliked boyfriend # 1 because he reminded her of her husband. For the entire marriage she has had to carry him around, emotionally and financially ,she regretted it, and she didn't want that for her daughter.
BTW, she's more educated than her husband and makes a lot more money than him too.

OP, I suspect your wife is seeing certain things in your daughter's relationship which she does not like. Women can be very intuitive , especially with their daughters.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Vorlon said:


> Nothing tragic or earth shattering but wanted your thoughts on something my wife and I argued about recently. We have been married 27 years and have 4 kids.
> 
> My oldest daughter (24) is currently living with us. My daughter has no problem driving to her BF or dates house to meet up and go out. She also has a new car that she bought versus days gone buy when she had a old beater. My wife is very upset that my daughter does this. She feels it is a mans duty and responsibility to pick up the girl. This is for safety and just being a real man. My daughter on the other hand feels she is more comfortable doing it this way in many cases. Not all the time and after they have been dating long enough she will have him come pick her up from the house. Kind of depends what their plans are and where they are going that night. So this has been a trend through the years.
> 
> ...


Your wife's ideas are outdated. Your daughter isn't doing anything unusual.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

My thought is your wife is living in the 50's.

When my daughter is old enough to drive & date I'd prefer her to use her own transport simply because she can then e asily remove herself from any situation that endangers her without depending on a man to secure her.

In my mind any act that gives my daughter power and control of a situation is a better choice than one that takes power & control away from her.

I can't even recall how many times I as a man went somewhere in a womans vehicle only to need/want to get out of a ****ty situation and was unable to due to my lack of transportation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm 47 and I drove to meet boyfriends back when I was dating and at night. Lol

Married 22 years now to a great guy.

Your wife is overreacting. My mom did the same thing btw but she was jealous.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

The daughter is 24 years old...her dating life is none of your wife's business.


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Interesting responses.
> 
> Here's my take.
> 
> ...


I think you are the closest to how my wife feels about the situation. She wants my daughter to have a relationship with a man of integrity and purpose. A man who will protect her and ensure she is safe. This is unfortunately considered a bit old fashioned or controlling these day. 

My wife has been right more than she has been wrong about the guys my daughter has dated in the past. Those that let her drive all over late at night ended up being losers. One even hit her once. That ended it immediately for her. Lucky for him Daddy didn't find out about that incident until years later and we had moved out of state. The other had an addictive personality that bounced from an alcoholic to being a workaholic. they all seemed like good guys at first. My daughter has learned some hard lessons as a result. 

That's why it is difficult for me to disagree with my wife sometimes even though I feel like many of the other posters: that I have to step back and let her make her own decisions. 

Just so you all know we don't tell her she can and can't do. We simply state our opinion. She is an adult and will make own decisions. We just don't have to agree with all of them. 

Thanks all for your comments.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Vorlon said:


> Nothing tragic or earth shattering but wanted your thoughts on something my wife and I argued about recently. We have been married 27 years and have 4 kids.
> 
> My oldest daughter (24) is currently living with us. My daughter has no problem driving to her BF or dates house to meet up and go out. She also has a new car that she bought versus days gone buy when she had a old beater. My wife is very upset that my daughter does this. She feels it is a mans duty and responsibility to pick up the girl. This is for safety and just being a real man. My daughter on the other hand feels she is more comfortable doing it this way in many cases. Not all the time and after they have been dating long enough she will have him come pick her up from the house. Kind of depends what their plans are and where they are going that night. So this has been a trend through the years.
> 
> ...


I think your wife needs to let this young woman determine how to set her own boundaries.


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