# Do relationships that start from an affair usually last?



## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

Hi,

I'm just wondering, do relationships that start from an affair usually last or do they end up failing once reality sets in and the fantasy world no longer exists? 

Thank you!


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Statistically, no, they do not. But I think a lot of us know of exceptions first hand.

My ex-FIL and his current wife began as an affair, while both married to other people, and they are going on 15 years of marriage now.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

dennisg1 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm just wondering, do relationships that start from an affair usually last or do they end up failing once reality sets in and the fantasy world no longer exists?
> 
> Thank you!


I've witnessed both... I would say that the likelihood of staying together with an AP would be much weaker in a single truth...."If you can do it with me, you can do it to me", yet I know of several 20+ marriages that are strong enough and survived the hurdles.

Several out of many are not very good odds though.


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## fotf17 (Sep 25, 2017)

You're kind of asking for anecdotal evidence here. What's that phrase "anecdotal evidence is not evidence?" 

_"Anecdotal evidence is not necessarily representative of a "typical" experience; in fact, human cognitive biases such as confirmation bias mean that exceptional or confirmatory anecdotes are much more likely to be remembered. Accurate determination of whether an anecdote is "typical" requires statistical evidence."_

You'll need someone to give you the proper stats for it. My hazy memory says that I thought I read that 75% of relationships that begin as affairs fail within a certain time frame, and only a small portion of the successful ones last through a certain number of years. But don't quote me on that.

Long story short, most fail, some succeed.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Most fail. Mine bounced from man to man like a ping pong ball.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Most fail because the affair isn't reality, while the affair partners are ignoring their spouse, children, responsibilities, they have someone at home taking care of everything. Once the betrayed spouse bails and it's just 1:1 with the AP and his and her kids, bills, divorce proceedings, **** gets real. It's not as fun anymore and it becomes a real relationship, warts and all. And typically one of the AP's is only in it for the sex, not to leave their marriage or step into another long term relationship.

My wife had an affair when we were newly married and young. For 2 months is was party time with this guy. Once I moved out and setup a custody schedule and it became her being a single mom mon-fri and every other weekend things radically changed for her. Her AP who was 23 (her age) wanted nothing to do with a woman tied down to a child so he bailed, she couldn't go out every night. Things got real, and things sucked once I stopped being the rock and adult in the marriage and taking care of everything while she partied.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Over 40% of all marriages fail. Those that start as a result of divorce or cheating, have a statistically higher failure rate than first marriages. For any specific relationship, it will depend on many factors, but obviously a significant number of relationships that start after divorce or cheating DO succeed. A lot will depend on the reasons for past failure - if they are not repeated in the new relationship, it may have a good chance (unless a new set of issues arises).


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## lostgirl17 (Oct 19, 2017)

Mines happened over 5 years ago, now married & pregnant 5 years later.... Good luck


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My exBIL married his mistress. They've been together now for about 2 decades. I know nothing about their relationship. I don't think my nieces enjoyed visiting their father because of her. So even while they were in high school, it was less and less. When my niece graduated from college, exBIL came to the party but without wife.

I can think of a few celebrities who cheated on their spouses with their future partner and then the new relationship lasted a long time.

So, if you're hoping for karma, it may not come this way.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Statistically, no.

But there are exceptions, as pointed out in this thread.

My marriage is one of those exceptions.

Note that this does *not *mean that I recommend this approach, because I don't.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> So, if you're hoping for karma, it may not come this way.


The best revenge is living well anyway. Forgiving and living for yourself will provide a lot more happiness in the long run than the short lived enjoyment a little Schadenfreude from your ex-spouses misery would provide.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

"Birds of a feather flock together".

"Birds of a dirty feather **** together".

Two spoiled peas in a cheater's pod can indeed make a life together.

They are from the same cut of cloth.

These types are risk takers and consumers of 'forbidden fruit'; often are hopeless romantics.

And both need the same thing. A stroker of egos, a bold decisive hand in troubled times.
They both need a clean slate, and a sensuous outcome. 

They both need one each:
A fleshy pencil with an eraser tip ................from the man. To erase past pain, to stimulate future fantasies.
A warm, silky ink well to dip their pen into...from the women. To let them re-write a new future with warm, viscous, disappearing ink.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Judging strictly from both my XW and my RSXW, their covert relationships were foremostly to promote their split from the marriage and to eventually plunge the dagger into my heart!

As far as the longetivity of those three BF’s romantic friendship with them went, relationship-wise, they all ended up tanking deep into the crapper! !*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Judging strictly from both my XW and my RSXW, their covert relationships were foremostly to promote their split from the marriage and to eventually plunge the dagger deep into my heart!

As far as the longetivity of those three BF’s romantic friendship with them went, relationship-wise, they all ended up tanking deep into the crapper!

The first one never married again, the skank remarried someone else totally unrelated to her affairs!*


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Most relationships fail. It's rare for people to marry the first person they date. People meet, like each other enough to date a bit, find they aren't as compatible as they thought/hoped they'd be, and part ways. Relationships that began as affairs aren't any different. Some will succeed, most will fail.

My marriage began as an affair. I was a MW, he was my AP/OM. In December we'll be celebrating 18 years as a couple, 14 married.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> The best revenge is living well anyway. Forgiving and living for yourself will provide a lot more happiness in the long run than the short lived enjoyment a little Schadenfreude from your ex-spouses misery would provide.


My sister accepted that they weren't getting along. And a weight was lifted. She has also learned from her daughters that ex has become a dry drunk and needed to go to the hospital for something. So she's glad she doesn't have that responsibility.

I guess there's some karma there somewhere.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

I can hope personally that it doesn't ring true for my H and the OW but that doesn't mean it won't. Just need to get to the point where you don't care if you're the BS. If you're the person in the illicit relationship, statistically speaking they don't last, but there are exceptions to everything.


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## Loveless17 (Oct 16, 2017)

Typically no, but I know some couples that started as affairs that have been married 20 or more years, one man we know met his wife while both were married and it was his boss's wife. They have been married 45 years! So it does turn out happily in many cases but most end in heartbreak.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

The majority of relationships become loveless, even if they don't break up. So, 50% end in divorce and 25% are miserable. Maybe 25% are happy, if that? So, I'd say an affair relationship has the same chance as any other relationship. In other words, any relationship is a crap shoot. Just have to ask yourself is the ****ing I'm getting worth the ****ing I'm taking.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Most relationships fail. It's rare for people to marry the first person they date. People meet, like each other enough to date a bit, find they aren't as compatible as they thought/hoped they'd be, and part ways. *Relationships that began as affairs aren't any different. *Some will succeed, most will fail.
> 
> My marriage began as an affair. I was a MW, he was my AP/OM. In December we'll be celebrating 18 years as a couple, 14 married.


I disagree. Relationships that begin as affairs are VERY different to other relationships. They're built on a lie.

OP, statistically, less than 5% of these relationships will go the distance - not surprising really, they were built on a lie, started out from deceit and both people involved have a deep character flaw. If they do it with you, they'll do it to you. There'll always be exceptions, but that's exactly what they are, not the norm.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Statistically, only about 3% of affairs last very long after the two affair partners are without their respective spouses. Most affairs are built on a fantasy.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think affairs have less of a chance than other means of finding a compatible partner. Though, I'm pretty sure there are some that make it. 

I guess it depends on where you are at when it starts, and what's in the AP's mind.

Any relationship takes a ton of work, so nothing is easy. They all have a better chance at failing than surviving, in my opinion.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

frusdil said:


> I disagree. Relationships that begin as affairs are VERY different to other relationships. They're built on a lie.
> 
> OP, statistically, less than 5% of these relationships will go the distance - not surprising really, they were built on a lie, started out from deceit and both people involved have a deep character flaw. If they do it with you, they'll do it to you. There'll always be exceptions, but that's exactly what they are, not the norm.


Good post. Yes, and most importantly, the data supports the premise that affairages are less likely to succeed. It's not an opinion, it's a statistical fact. 

And I agree with you that a relationship rooted in lies, deception, and betrayal are a cracked foundation upon which to build the next marriage. 

Furthermore, affairs often signal an unwillingness to work out problems in an existing marriage or simple laziness and impulsiveness. If I can't get what I want from my current relationship, I will find it with someone else. Damn the process of recovery or even divorcing before looking for the next best thing. Just do it. If it feels good it must be right. None of these qualities bode well for long term health of the next affairage either.

Sure, maybe affairages last a long time. But those unions are based on selfish and destructive decisions and have a permanent asterisk and stigma.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google infidelity statistics.
One study said 3% of marriages make it long term.
Another study claimed only 10% lasted 3years. Of that 10%, only 10% of this made it to 10 years. Ten percent of ten is one right? 
Both studies indicate there is a chance they stay together. A slim and none chance.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sometimes, yeah.

Certain circumstances are different.

An exit affair might have a better chance if it isn't just a selfish fling but a real investment.

Starting an affair with a real lover when your spouse is abusive can have better chances at the long run.

The majority of cheaters pretty much just suck poop 💩 and are low character selfish lizards.

Poop 💩 eating lizards are never a good choice for longevity even if you are one, especially if you are one.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Because emotions are involved, I sort of don't rely on statistics. They are good places to start for a general idea, but they can't seem to predict human nature very well. 

Love, infatuation, desire for sex with your partner, and so many things just aren't very........consistent. Emotions don't help when considering logical conclusions. Statistics work best with fact alone and nothing variable to change them. 

Emotions are extremely variable based on conditions, most of which aren't predictable or simply aren't considered. 

Of course those are my opinions and need taken with a grain of salt. Nothing is absolute.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Most don't last. Some do. No way to tell whether your stbxw's relationship will succeed or not. And it doesn't really matter because you'll have your own happy life to fulfill you and you won't care what happens to her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am going to go one step farther than the posters and say that most affairs *need* a marriage and need a supporting BS in order to survive at all. 

What I mean by a supporting BS is a BS who either takes no definitive action to break the affair or does the "pick me! dance."

Most affairs are not because the WS is unhappy with the M or that they are truly in love with the AP and wants to be with them full time. The vast majority of A's are about cake eating and scoring some extra fun and excitement on the side while still maintaining a stable home life. 

In the case of male APs, the vast vast majority of cases the OM simply wants to score some poon without having to rub her feet or change her oil or deal with her kids or kill spiders in her house and want nothing to do with an actual relationship or marriage with her. And typically the WW is just wanting some additional excitement and attention and validation and are perfectly happy to remain with the BH so he can watch the kids while she gets her jollies in a hotel room with the OM.

And with married men, it is darn near all of them that are more less content with having a wife and family at home but just want some extra poon and kibbles of attention on the side. Very few MM actually want to leave their wives and the ones that do want to leave......actually leave. 

The quickest and surest way to break up the vast majority of affairs is to simply the AP have the WS. 

That shifts the whole dynamic from one of fun and excitement and hypersexuality and virtually no relationship responsibilities, to one of regular daily tasks, changing oil, unclogging toilets, killing spiders, bills, laundry etc etc

As was mentioned earlier, we can all cite examples of two APs that married each other and have a seemingly functional marriage decades later. 

But for every one of those couples, there are countless more that were just in it for the fun and poontang and extra attention and never had an intentions or interest in it becoming a permanent replacement relationship.

There for I think most affairs actually need the marriage(s) in order for the affair to survive and flourish. Without the marriage, the affair quickly flounders and dies.


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