# Wife wants agreement. I want to argue.



## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

I would love advice from women about something my wife and I are struggling with. My wife wants me to agree with her, pretty much all the time. I grew up in a house with a lot of debates, and I have a hard time with this. To me, discussions, debates, even arguments (if they aren't nasty) are enjoyable. But my wife feels uncomfortable with the conflict. If I disagree with her then her feelings are hurt. For example, last night we were talking about some town planning decisions where we live (Yes, we talk about town planning.) She made a comment about our city being the way it is because its a newer, west coast city. I disagreed, and pointed out the same feature in older east coast cities. I wasn't mean, I didn't insult her or yell, I just disagreed. She suddenly became quiet and I realized I'd hurt her feelings. So she's hurt when I disagree but I feel frustrated by only being able to say yes. How can I make her feel heard but also have an opinion?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So your town does exactly the same stuff that the east coast town do? Or is there some difference?


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

What did you say it like? You say you did not yell, but did you say it in a "I know better than you, you are an idiot" kind of way or just exchanging your opinion?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Mr. Man said:


> I would love advice from women about something my wife and I are struggling with. My wife wants me to agree with her, pretty much all the time. I grew up in a house with a lot of debates, and I have a hard time with this. To me, discussions, debates, even arguments (if they aren't nasty) are enjoyable. But my wife feels uncomfortable with the conflict. If I disagree with her then her feelings are hurt. For example, last night we were talking about some town planning decisions where we live (Yes, we talk about town planning.) She made a comment about our city being the way it is because its a newer, west coast city. I disagreed, and pointed out the same feature in older east coast cities. I wasn't mean, I didn't insult her or yell, I just disagreed. She suddenly became quiet and I realized I'd hurt her feelings. So she's hurt when I disagree but I feel frustrated by only being able to say yes. How can I make her feel heard but also have an opinion?


I think a lot of people involved in long term relationships eventually face this dilemma.

People with strong ,dominant personality types need to be aware .
Thing is, everyone wants to be understood and most people generally like others to agree with them. 
Very few people actually welcome divergence of opinions.

I personally feel that some things aren't worth disagreeing over. 
One could disagree , but shouldn't be disagreeable.
Sometimes we just have to give way to the other person because it doesn't take anything from us. In other words, we can be generous, even when there are differences.

Her feeling upset over the seemingly trivial argument about the East Coast cities when you differed from her might not have anything to do with the actual argument, but feelings of resentment , because she might have felt that _you are always right ,_ and she is always wrong.

No one likes to feel that way around anyone , because it makes them feel inferior. If she's a bit insecure ,that would only make it worse.

Maybe, you can work on helping her build her self esteem by finding common ground during your debates. Give way to her opinion on some issues , respect her opinions and use some positive reinforcement.

However , if you think that she might have a personality disorder, then professional couples and individual counseling might be the best solution.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Mr. Man said:


> How can I make her feel heard but also have an opinion?


Talk to her about it. Ask her how she believes that you can both be heard without a build up of frustration. Help her to see that in relationship, balance is the key to harmony for both sides.

When one aspect of life, or side, takes precedence over the other, then the opposite aspect will not function normally or will feel down with some kind of negativity or frustration.

She is uncomfortable with debate, you are very comfortable with it.

Each of you has to allow the other the space to be as you both are.

This can only happen with honest communication and both being desirous of understanding each other's needs and differences.

Someone has to start the communication ball rolling. Let that be you. 

If you are uncomfortable with intimate, feeling talk of this nature, then get some help with it so you CAN communicate with her on that level.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Mr. Man said:


> I wasn't mean, I didn't insult her or yell, I just disagreed. She suddenly became quiet and I realized I'd hurt her feelings. So she's hurt when I disagree but I feel frustrated by only being able to say yes. How can I make her feel heard but also have an opinion?


Assuming you are accurately describing the tone you used with her, it's possible that she's incredibly insecure and sees any disagreement as a personal attack on her.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Withiut knowing more details, do you disagree with her for the sake of having an argument? Or do you always debate her?
Maybe she just wants to comment and move on to another conversation. 

Regardless, tell her you love her and that you both should enjoy each other and not dwell on small things. Life is too short, enjoy it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Perhaps if you made a point of agreeing with her when you do, it will be less troubling to her when you don't. Also explain that you like to debate and discuss, and that it does not mean you think her views are wrong or stupid, just that there's room for refinement or differing views. If you are challenging her and not the topic, yes, she will resent it and be hurt.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Next time be like ''That is a good observation blah blah blah, I also think blah blah blah''. No one has to be right or wrong. Both opinions, thoughts can be heard and respected. If done like that and her feelings are hurt- yeah she is being sensitive about something. If you tell her your thoughts in a way that shoots hers down, I understand why she would be hurt. Not for disagreeing though, she just wants to be heard and have her thoughts considered a possibility. If someone debated with me on everything, I would probably stop talking lol and Remember its not what you say its how you say it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I know for me, I dont mind alternative views at all and can agree to disagree quite easily, but if the other person is CHRONICALLY giving opposing view It is very tiring emotionally and physically for me. Or if they are fast and brash about it. I was around a guy recently and found myself on guard about his energy, walked out if his house and was all if a sudden deeply exhausted. He didnt do anything bad, but I had fear he would and because he was speaking so fast it really affected me. My H noticed and figured out what made me so tired. Its very good that you are asking to understand. Very healthy. Let her know you want to understand what happens in those moments she goes quiet. What is she feeling... I know for me, its self ptotection and sadness.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I enjoy a good debate... one of the reasons I like coming to TAM. When it comes to my relationship, of course we're allowed to disagree. However, if it starts to feel like arguing for arguments sake then it's exhausting. Outside of basketball, poker, board games and the like, I don't like to _compete _against my partner. I much prefer to play on the same team.

An argument or debate, is in some ways a competition. With all competitions there is a winner and a loser. I don't want to be a "loser" and wouldn't want to bed one either.


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## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

To try and clarify--I don't think my tone of voice is hurtful--but of course this is my perspective. I think I'm just engaged in a conversation. I'm not trying to put her down or act like she's an idiot. And I know it has nothing to do with the topic at hand. Maybe she does feel resentful. My intention is to challenge her view not her right to have it or her intelligence. I have tried agreeing with her all the time and frankly, I hate it. I end up feeling like there's no room in our relationship for me. I'm just a prop for her. It's not a good feeling and I don't think that's healthy. I will take your suggestion to try and validate her perspective before I give mine and see if that helps.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Next time it happens can you ask her what exactly makes her shut down? 

Tell her you want to be able to enjoy a discussion with her and for her to feel comfortable stating her point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sparring with the devil's advocate can get old real quick. Unless she asks for your opinion on a statement she makes, don't feel that you have to correct/educate/enlighten her on every little statement. 

It just isn't that important. Unless it's important to you to feel like a 'know-it-all".


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes, I love to Argue. You have to turn it off because it will ruin your marriage. I am not talking about major life decisions, I'm talking stupid things. 

If something happens at home, which is trivial, do you try to get her to see the other side? 
If she makes a suggestion, do you say the opposite?

You really need to see what you are arguing about and make sure it is relevant. Also, pick topics that have nothing to do with your life. Yes, it means sometimes you'll shake your head yes and go on about your business, even if you don't agree.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I think most of us here are saying

Check your intent

Find out from her what her experience is in the moment she closes off

Moderate too much banter

If you moderate she may trust you more to banter with you...

Sounds like a bit of damaged trust that needs nurture and resolution.

She's not going to care how much you know until she knows how much you care

You may have to exercise your intellect with other outlets so that its not all on her


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Man said:


> To try and clarify--I don't think my tone of voice is hurtful--but of course this is my perspective. I think I'm just engaged in a conversation. I'm not trying to put her down or act like she's an idiot. And I know it has nothing to do with the topic at hand. Maybe she does feel resentful. *My intention is to challenge her view not her right to have it or her intelligence.* I have tried agreeing with her all the time and frankly, I hate it. I end up feeling like there's no room in our relationship for me. I'm just a prop for her. It's not a good feeling and I don't think that's healthy. I will take your suggestion to try and validate her perspective before I give mine and see if that helps.


It sounds like you challenge her view with about everything she says. This can get annoying over time. To be honest, your reply sounds like a know it all just letting her know that she's wrong. It might not have been your intent but that's how it comes off to me.

I'm a bit sensitive to this because I used to do what you did in that conversation. I too come from a family that does a lot of discussing and debating. But I've found that a lot of people did not grow up that way. So I've changed my approach.

You did not answer my question: "So your town does exactly the same stuff that the east coast town do? Or is there some difference? "

The reason I asked is that acknowledging that she has a good point to start with, instead of just shooting her down from the get go, would help. You could even bring up a few points that demonstrates the differences in what you town does. Then, you could bring up some of the things that your town does differently. 

If your intent is to actually have a discussion and not show that she's wrong and you are so smart... then make it a conversation that acknowledges her input. Once you have acknowledged her points then yours do not sound like a direct challenge or shut down.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

The underlined is what jumped out at me. It sounds like you don't know when to turn it off. Also, you sound like you are arguing to "teach." We used to do that in my house, but I was a child and learning new ways to think. Your wife is an adult and doesn't need that type of "teaching."


> The reason I asked is that acknowledging that she has a good point to start with, instead of just shooting her down from the get go, would help. You could even bring up a few points that demonstrates the differences in what you town does. Then, you could bring up some of the things that your town does differently.


 Sorry, I disagree. My wife found this patronizing because I had already established I like to debate. He has done this as well and it may backfire because he has established a history. He's going to have to turn it off for awhile, until she is comfortable with discussions again.

Now, we can debate because she understands it isn't me trying to prove myself right or her wrong. It took a ton of work on my part.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> The underlined is what jumped out at me. It sounds like you don't know when to turn it off. Also, you sound like you are arguing to "teach." We used to do that in my house, but I was a child and learning new ways to think. Your wife is an adult and doesn't need that type of "teaching."


Glad you brought that up. My H used to do that to me, very condescending, and really built anger and resentment since I am NOT a ditz at all. His respect of my intelligence finally grew, but man did we fight before that.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Now, we can debate because she understands it isn't me trying to prove myself right or her wrong. It took a ton of work on my part.


Good work, Philly


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

I have this issue with my wife. She says a wife must have the final say on anything. She is the wife after all. This is how she sees it. Mine is worse. I can't make decisions on anything. If I do, she hears me out and overrides my decision ending it with "I'm the wife and a happy wife should always have final say. I feel it's BS.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Mr. Man said:


> I would love advice from women about something my wife and I are struggling with. My wife wants me to agree with her, pretty much all the time. I grew up in a house with a lot of debates, and I have a hard time with this. To me, discussions, debates, even arguments (if they aren't nasty) are enjoyable. But my wife feels uncomfortable with the conflict. If I disagree with her then her feelings are hurt. For example, last night we were talking about some town planning decisions where we live (Yes, we talk about town planning.) She made a comment about our city being the way it is because its a newer, west coast city. I disagreed, and pointed out the same feature in older east coast cities. I wasn't mean, I didn't insult her or yell, I just disagreed. She suddenly became quiet and I realized I'd hurt her feelings. So she's hurt when I disagree but I feel frustrated by only being able to say yes. How can I make her feel heard but also have an opinion?


Do you enjoy watching porn and masturbating?

C


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Good work, Philly


Thanks. Here's what's funny, my wife started doing it to me. So after a few months I looked at her and said "now, I understand exactly how you felt." She had no clue she had picked up my habit.

Another trick is too have a diverse group of friends. I do and I get a ton of my arguing/bicker/debating, friendly of course, out of my system before I get home. Also, they have no problem pointing out when I am being a complete ***hole.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Firebird said:


> I have this issue with my wife. She says a wife must have the final say on anything. She is the wife after all. This is how she sees it. Mine is worse. I can't make decisions on anything. If I do, she hears me out and overrides my decision ending it with "I'm the wife and a happy wife should always have final say. I feel it's BS.


Your wife has a lot of self serving beliefs doesn't she?

But you have allowed this. We teach people how to treat up. You taught her that you will let her have the final say in everything. If you want this and the financial fiasco in your marriage to end, YOU need to change.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

You mentioned what your house was like growing up, but not your wife's. I am curious if either or both of her parents were either controlling or perhaps had violent tempers?

Something about the interaction is making her feel insecure and unsafe to voice her thoughts, without a need for a consensus. 

Also, you say that you want to argue... but using your example above, it sounds like you are just looking for an open forum for discussion. There was a lot of yelling in my house when I was a kid, so if someone starts yelling at me, I completely shut down. If they agree too quickly with me, I feel like they aren't really grasping my perspective. Talk about a double-edged sword for a partner, aye? 

The good news: I am aware of it and working on my childhood issues... which I have learned are usually the reason someone overreacts in some capacity... regardless how it is manifested.


Firebird: Your wife sounds like a bully... Talk about making someone feel like they don't matter


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Firebird said:


> I have this issue with my wife. She says a wife must have the final say on anything. She is the wife after all. This is how she sees it. Mine is worse. I can't make decisions on anything. If I do, she hears me out and overrides my decision ending it with "I'm the wife and a happy wife should always have final say. I feel it's BS.


You feel it is BS because it IS total BS. This is a b!tch move in my opinion. Hope you learn to rebalance your house.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Thanks. Here's what's funny, my wife started doing it to me. So after a few months I looked at her and said "now, I understand exactly how you felt." She had no clue she had picked up my habit.
> 
> Another trick is too have a diverse group of friends. I do and I get a ton of my arguing/bicker/debating, friendly of course, out of my system before I get home. Also, they have no problem pointing out when I am being a complete ***hole.


The diverse group of friends is a brilliant move for any couple. We've learned the same thing. Emotional weight is carried easier by a larger group than just one or two people. 

There have been many times I have stepped into my H's behavior too before catching myself or caught by him. It keeps us humble to know neither of us are better than the other, and that the ground at the foot of the cross is level. Equal need of grace. 

Y'all sound like you are in a great space.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Firebird said:


> I have this issue with my wife. She says a wife must have the final say on anything. She is the wife after all. This is how she sees it. Mine is worse. I can't make decisions on anything. If I do, she hears me out and overrides my decision ending it with "I'm the wife and a happy wife should always have final say. I feel it's BS.


My MIL had a mug with this motto:

You can agree with me or you can be wrong!

I was so glad I was not my FIL


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mr. Man said:


> To try and clarify--I don't think my tone of voice is hurtful--but of course this is my perspective. I think I'm just engaged in a conversation. I'm not trying to put her down or act like she's an idiot. And I know it has nothing to do with the topic at hand. Maybe she does feel resentful. My intention is to challenge her view not her right to have it or her intelligence. I have tried agreeing with her all the time and frankly, I hate it. I end up feeling like there's no room in our relationship for me. I'm just a prop for her. It's not a good feeling and I don't think that's healthy. I will take your suggestion to try and validate her perspective before I give mine and see if that helps.


Here may be the rub - I get the sense that you are not having a discussion so much as a didactic session with a pupil. It might seem that way to your wife. What do you think? Your wife may think that you don't know any more than she does and therefore she does not wish to be instructed by you. 

The dynamic in your family of origin may seem fractious and unpleasant to a person who grew up in a more conciliatory family. It seems to me that you should accommodate your new family since you chose your wife and made a family with her. Make a new dynamic. 

When your view differs from your wife's, acknowledge that she may have a valid point. Ask her to consider your view and ask what she thinks. In that way, you assume that her powers of reason are at lest equal to yours and maybe superior.  You may actually acknowledge that she has a valid point.

You can't duplicate the dynamic of your family of origin, unfortunately. Growth, adjustment, compromise and new traditions come with the new family. You chose a less fractious person to marry. She probably will not join the Mr. Man debate team.  But she may satisfy your need to discuss different points of view if you approach her respecting her position as you want her to respect yours and in keeping with her personality.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is how you can help your wife.

Prior to this occurring again, sit down, talk. Make it clear to her that your intention isn't to hurt her feelings and you are having a hard time coping with that outcome from disagreements.

Encourage her to instead of going quiet, empower her. It will also enable you to better understand how words, and a disagreement can lead to unexpected emotion.

Tell her to do exactly the following the next time she feels like you are trying to shut her down:

Look you in the face, point her index finger at you, and declare; "Go f*ck yourself!"

She'll feel better and you will now have much more insight as to how she feels and takes it personally when you correct, contradict, or verbally overpower her.

Seriously, take it for a spin.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you guys been to counseling yet?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, Mr. Man.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mr. Man said:


> I would love advice from women about something my wife and I are struggling with. My wife wants me to agree with her, pretty much all the time. I grew up in a house with a lot of debates, and I have a hard time with this. To me, discussions, debates, even arguments (if they aren't nasty) are enjoyable. But my wife feels uncomfortable with the conflict. If I disagree with her then her feelings are hurt. For example, last night we were talking about some town planning decisions where we live (Yes, we talk about town planning.) She made a comment about our city being the way it is because its a newer, west coast city. I disagreed, and pointed out the same feature in older east coast cities. I wasn't mean, I didn't insult her or yell, I just disagreed. She suddenly became quiet and I realized I'd hurt her feelings. So she's hurt when I disagree but I feel frustrated by only being able to say yes. How can I make her feel heard but also have an opinion?


I don't think she necessarily wants you to agree with her, but to validate her thoughts. Validating does not mean you agree with her; it just means you acknowledge what she is thinking. It gives her emotional oxygen.

You and your wife sound just like my husband and me before we learned about Active Listening. Google it.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

How often do you disagree? If most of the time, or even often, she might be thinking " Hell, do we even have anything in common? we are so different, we never see eye to eye". It would put me in a foul mood, too.
I enjoy a bright mind and a challenging, interesting conversation, but with a spark of humor. Not a debate. Debates are mentally exhausting and feel like someone has to win. Maybe your wife feels the same.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

We had some friends that fought all the time about stupid things and both tried to get each other to agree with them, but wouldn't.

It would confuse the hell out of my wife and I when they would have a screaming debate over gay marriage or the right way to grind coffee. Stuff that really doesn't matter to the marriage (I guess unless you're gay).

Anyway. What my wife and I finally realized is that they were both battling for power and control in the relationship -- she was a dominant type-A woman and wore the pants, and he continually tried to take them away from her to assert his authority.

And that's why they could never agree to disagree; it was about power and control, not about understanding your partner's worldview.

Needless to say they've been teetering on the verge of separation for years, and she's had at least 1 emotional affair (that may have been physical) that we know of.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Mr. Man said:


> To try and clarify--I don't think my tone of voice is hurtful--but of course this is my perspective. I think I'm just engaged in a conversation. I'm not trying to put her down or act like she's an idiot. And I know it has nothing to do with the topic at hand. Maybe she does feel resentful. My intention is to challenge her view not her right to have it or her intelligence. I have tried agreeing with her all the time and frankly, I hate it. I end up feeling like there's no room in our relationship for me. I'm just a prop for her. It's not a good feeling and I don't think that's healthy. I will take your suggestion to try and validate her perspective before I give mine and see if that helps.


My H likes to argue while I on the other hand, don't and I prefer to find agreement/ being on the same team. 
Yet we still (sometimes) able to share different views...

Two things I observed that can work for couples like us:
1.avoid saying "you're/ that's wrong" or "I disagree."
.
Instead of making statements that show obvious<< contradictory>> idea, give <<different>> point of view.

Example: 
Instead of...
W: The town should be bla bla so that people are happy.
H: Well, xyz town isn't bla bla bla and yet people are happy.

Try: 
H: There is another factor that make people happy in a town... Maybe bla bla bla, like the xyz town.



----
2. Before giving your disagreement, acknowledge ANY important point your wife stated.



That's it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No, you should not agree with your wife just for the sake of agreeing. But I dont think that is really what she means. You sound like a know-it-all, no one likes a know-it-all. It isnt necessary to constantly offer a differing viewpoint on every little damn thing. I think all she is asking is for you to just keep your mouth shut now and then, show her a little respect.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

FrenchFry said:


> Sometimes though I just want to shoot the breeze. I just want a meandering conversation about everything and nothing and being interrupted by a lecture or a point of contention is pretty much the biggest buzzkill ever.
> 
> It's exactly like being a kid when your dad stops your sentence to correct your grammar. The exact feeling is "you are only listening to me to find something wrong with what I'm saying." This does lead to being shut down. I'm more confrontational than your wife and an overabundance of this from my husband immediately puts me in "I ain't telling you anything" territory.
> 
> So, just watch. Is this something you wife is passionate about and would appreciate the debate or is this a shooting the breeze conversation?


+1


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

. He sounds like me. I enjoy debating all sides of an issue, even things contrary to my beliefs, but I had to learn when it was appropriate to discuss these issues. I had to learn when my wife wanted validation,when she was asking for an opinion and when she was venting. 

Sometimes, it really is best to shut up, even when every fiber of your being is screaming "give her you opinion NOW!"


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"My H grew up fighting with his siblings in a much bigger family than me. When his bluntness would really hurt me early in our relationship, he would respond that his sisters' never minded being razzed and they gave as good as they got."

Yes, but did they ever sleep with him? What a cop out of an excuse.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

You could be my husband...lol

He has gotten a lot better over the last year, it can be so tiresome to have a conversation over something as simple as me saying, "the sky is blue". to have him correct, debate, give a different point of view too, my observation or comment.

Sometimes I want to say something and have him just listen. I welcome his opinions, why does it always need to feel like a personal attack?

He has told me in the past that the way I talk to him makes him feel as if he needs to fix/give an opinion to me.

My husband loves to play devil’s advocate/debate things, however, it never ends well, as he sometimes expects me to answer thing the way he would and when I speak my feeling we offend end up in an argument, I end up not wanting to continue the conversation and he says, " I guess I can't talk to you and I will keep my mouth shut”.

To me this is no different than asking a hypothetical question (which he refuses to do) and get mad at the persons answer. 

I like the idea of having friends to have debate these conversations with.
Except my husband has disowned his friends for similar reasons….


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

learning to love myself said:


> I end up not wanting to continue the conversation and he says, " I guess I can't talk to you and I will keep my mouth shut”.


To which you reply "You're right, you can't. Thanks." And walk away. Or, if he persists, do what my DD24 psych major taught me: "I don't respond to passive aggressive comments" and THEN walk away.


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## muguremaina (Aug 20, 2014)

my husband has same issues he wants me to argue and raise my voice when especially its something hes correcting me. he doesnt like to just say "its okay i got it" he feels as being ignored yet its not in me to argue especially when i have wronged.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

yeah, sounds like you are both strong willed. Been there, done that.

What eventually will happen is either you figure out a way to be more non-confrontational as a couple, or you will divorce. Not right away, but over the next 20 to 30 years one of you will just suddenly decide enough is enough.

So, maybe you pick and choose your fights from now on. If the TV is blastin, and Obama is spouting off lies, and she says "wow, that is so true" just bite your lower lip, roll your eyes to yourself, and go make a samwich.

If on the other hand, she says her and her other GFs need to take a week long vacation to Hedonism II to "relax"...then put on the boxing gloves


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mr. Man said:


> I would love advice from women about something my wife and I are struggling with. My wife wants me to agree with her, pretty much all the time. I grew up in a house with a lot of debates, and I have a hard time with this. To me, discussions, debates, even arguments (if they aren't nasty) are enjoyable. But my wife feels uncomfortable with the conflict. If I disagree with her then her feelings are hurt. For example, last night we were talking about some town planning decisions where we live (Yes, we talk about town planning.) She made a comment about our city being the way it is because its a newer, west coast city. I disagreed, and pointed out the same feature in older east coast cities. I wasn't mean, I didn't insult her or yell, I just disagreed. She suddenly became quiet and I realized I'd hurt her feelings. So she's hurt when I disagree but I feel frustrated by only being able to say yes. How can I make her feel heard but also have an opinion?



I was always told to pick your battles. 

Now, sometimes it is how one presents his/her case that makes the difference. Why did you disagree? Did she point out some features that substantiate her claim? Did you allow her? You simply disagree and started lobbing shells pointing out were she was completely wrong. Next time let her expand on why she believes the city plan being newer lead to what it is. Ask her why she sees this. Once done offer up what you see and why you feel it might be different or a mix of both types of cities. This is called conversation. Debate is left to the HS students on the debate team. Most folks do not liked to be schooled or felt ridiculed because another simply will not accept what was presented to them.


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## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

So, I wanted to report back. I have been doing my homework and really trying hard to just agree with her, and she has noticed and mentioned it a couple times. So far so good.

But, this really feels like a one-way street to me. My wife has no problem is giving me her opinion or in telling me that I'm wrong, and when she does, she wants me to accept it because it's her opinion, it's how she feels. 

I end up feeling like I have to accept whatever she says and never have an opinion myself. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel like she values me or my thoughts. It feels like I'm just there to make her feel good.

It doesn't seem like my thoughts, ideas, feelings, matter unless they are the same as hers. I mean, from my perspective (and I know that my point of view is just that) it seems like my independence is threatening to her. I'm pretty unhappy right now. We've gone to marriage counseling a couple times but she's really resistant to going again. I feel pretty stuck. I'm not sure how to make her happy and be able to express my own thoughts. 

I also want to say that a lot of people have interpreted what I'm saying as yelling or really emotional argument. When I say I grew up in a house with lots of arguing, I don't mean anger. I mean discussions, debates. Maybe I'm not using the right words but I'm not trying to teach my wife a lesson. In the example I used in the beginning, we weren't yelling or trying to prove points. 

Again, I know this is just my perspective, but I don't think it's about emotional intensity.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You didn't understand the thread. You don't agree to agree, you don't argue for the sake of arguing. If she is telling you something you feel or an argument you made is wrong, yes you debate the point. 

You went from one extreme to another and that's just as wrong on the opposite side of the spectrum. You need to find a happy medium. I still debate and argue with my wife, I just rarely do the Devil's Advocate part, unless it is relevant to a problem like work. As a General manager, sometime she needs to see it from a different perspective. I even pulled the well " we just disagree." Then we ool off and talk about things later and much calmer.



> I also want to say that a lot of people have interpreted what I'm saying as yelling or really emotional argument. When I say I grew up in a house with lots of arguing, I don't mean anger. I mean discussions, debates. Maybe I'm not using the right words but I'm not trying to teach my wife a lesson. In the example I used in the beginning, we weren't yelling or trying to prove points.
> 
> Again, I know this is just my perspective, but I don't think it's about emotional intensity.


 Browbeating doesn't have to be mean, over the top or emotional. It can just be the tired repetition of the same old actions. All of my posts are based on normal emotionless discussions. I think you are looking for a reason to reject some of the advice. All my points are based on me not being emotional, but making my wife react emotionally.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

No one is "wrong" about their own opinion.

You and your wife should both be able to handle having different opinions.

It sounded in your first post like you wanted to debate her on HER OPINION. There is no reason to debate someone on their opinion if the other person doesn't *want* to debate it.

Your wife doesn't enjoy debating her own opinion it sounds like.

So find other people to debate things with, people who enjoy a debate. Some people like debating their opinion, some don't. But again, no opinion is "wrong", because it is only their opinion.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> No one is "wrong" about their own opinion.
> 
> You and your wife should both be able to handle having different opinions.


:iagree:

We struggled with this, too. We finally realized that we were not going to convince each other of the correctness of our opinions, so we discuss things for a limited amount of time. This prevents us from becoming emotionally attached to convincing the other person of our point of view.

There are also some things that we simply do not discuss. We know each other's political views, and we do not talk about topics that inflame the other. 

The other important thing to be aware of is the tone of the discussion. Never allow contempt to creep in. You must respect each other, even when you disagree. When either of you becomes emotional, end the discussion.

Keeping your love alive is more important that winning an argument. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? This does NOT mean agreeing with everything that your wife says. It means agreeing to disagree, and ending discussions when they become heated and hurtful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mr. Man said:


> I also want to say that a lot of people have interpreted what I'm saying as yelling or really emotional argument. When I say I grew up in a house with lots of arguing, I don't mean anger. I mean discussions, debates. Maybe I'm not using the right words but I'm not trying to teach my wife a lesson. In the example I used in the beginning, we weren't yelling or trying to prove points.
> 
> Again, I know this is just my perspective, but I don't think it's about emotional intensity.


But what you're not understanding is that, to YOU, arguing is just what you do, it's not an affront. But to someone else, it IS. What matters is whether it is to your SPOUSE. My H raises his voice when he gets excited about something and while he's not angry, my fight or flight instinct gets moving anyway. What's comfortable for you may not be comfortable to her. That is all. 

And we were NOT telling you just to shut up and let her have her way. We were telling you to control your impulse to raise your voice and find a healthier way to interact with her so that both of you get what you want.


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## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

I hear what you are saying. You think that my wife is reacting to my emotional response, even if it doesn't feel to me like my emotional response is negative. At least i think that's what you're saying.

Turnera, you wrote 


> We were telling you to control your impulse to raise your voice and find a healthier way to interact with her so that both of you get what you want.


I do need a healthier way to get what I want, but this isn't about yelling. My wife isn't feeling hurt because I'm yelling at her. She feels hurt when I disagree. Somebody wrote about not disagreeing with people's opinions. I think that was pretty accurate. 

But what I am trying to say is that I think my wife wants to have her opinion, and have me agree with it (or at least not argue!) but she also wants me to not have an opinion. I mean, we cannot have a discussion where we have different points of view, even calmly with no yelling. 

Philly, you wrote 


> You don't agree to agree, you don't argue for the sake of arguing. If she is telling you something you feel or an argument you made is wrong, yes you debate the point.


I either don't know how to do this or I don't understand. If I disagree with something my wife says, things go sideways. I'm saying that it feels like the only way there is harmony is to always agree. And you're right, it's not a happy medium. 

Here's a recent example. We were talking about vacations for next summer. She described a vacation that she wanted the family to take. She showed me a rental house on the beach and told me that places she wanted to go. I added up the costs in my head and it was very expensive. I told her calmly that I didn't think we could afford to go, or if we did go, it would mean giving up several other things we had planned. 

Her response was hurt and anger that I said no. 

I have no idea what to do about something like this. And I don't even know how to think about it. Are these differing opinions over vacation plans so she has a right to her opinion? If I had said yes, let's go, it would have meant not making other trips we already had planned, and not making a planned purchase. I don't think it's a good financial decision. But by saying, "I don't think we can afford that. If we take that trip we can't do x, y, and z," I started a fight that was really damaging. My wife did not listen and say, "OK, you think it's too expensive, what about this?" and try to problem solve. She just felt rejected. 

I should add that money is a very difficult subject in our house. We both work. My wife makes more money than I do but I pay all the bills, do the budget, etc. I have been a saver my whole life and she has been a spender. When we talk about money it's often like we're talking different languages. That adds another level of tension to the vacation discussion. 

But I have no idea what to do about something like this. I feel like my options are to say yes and give up several trips in order to take one more extravagant trip, which I think is a bad use of our money, or to say "We can't afford that" and start a fight. Where is the middle ground? How do I make her feel heard and not rejected while simultaneously expressing my feelings about the impact of the expense?


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## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

I also wanted to answer a couple of questions and make a couple of comments from previous posters. 

Yes, we have gone to counseling. We're planning to go again.

I agree that this is probably the symptom of a power struggle. I am trying to figure out how to do things differently so that's not so much our dynamic.

I'm not yelling at my wife. So many people have interpreted my comments as if I'm yelling, being condescending, insulting, etc. As I said, I grew up in a house were there were a lot of debates, but we were respectful, not mean.

I have heard of Active Listening and we have tried it with limited success.

You are totally right about validating her thoughts. She has told me that. I am not good at that. I am trying to do better.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mr. Man said:


> I also wanted to answer a couple of questions and make a couple of comments from previous posters.
> 
> Yes, we have gone to counseling. We're planning to go again.
> 
> ...


I haven't read all the posts on this thread, so jumping in.... my husband tells me I like to argue....but he says this with a SMILE ..(seriously I mean this)....

Our family enjoys sharing our opinions and having little debates.......I tell others we allow our kids to argue with us.. I think using the word "*argue*" is what some are getting hung up on here....maybe it would be better to just say... we all get to share our views/ give our side, state how we feel...As a parent, I know they appreciate we listen to them...and allow this..without shutting them down....then we reason it out.. they , too, listen to us. 

I feel I understand where you are coming from... the* validation* is important to women though.. My husband doesn't always agree with me but I wouldn't want him to, the day he becomes a "YES" man to everything I say.. I would grow very bored....I want / need his authentic feedback...we both learn from each other... 

I assume this is what you seek with your wife.. you want to feel heard.. explore some feedback...am I right? 

And true, sometimes it's a







... I suppose if the issues are BIG, like religion, where you want to live, how to discipline, how to spend/save $$...a couple needs to find compromise, difficult as it may be... but if one is left always "*stuffing*" how they feel.. it WILL inevitably cause resentment down the line. 

So the best course is for both to be heard...respectively ...and to seek a compromise you can both live with..

On Validation.. this is a good thread to read...








...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Has she gone to IC to work on self esteem?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

If you were to list your wife's current priorities, what are they?

Why is she bringing up more luxurious trips when several smaller ones are on the books?

How does she expect you to react? Cancel everything? Or does she view you guys AS ABLE to afford it and you don't?

There is an unreasonable idea or expectation on either one side or the other or both... trick is... figuring out which one of you has it.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

I maybe feeling my own bias, but is this just a problem with frequency of debates? I don't mind debating with my wife sometimes, but holy he!! she just can't stop. She may want to debate (or delve deeper into a topic) 20 times a day, yet to me only 1 or 2 of those topics warrant discussion while the rest were just too low of importance (to me) to go in to deeper.

This dynamic in my marriage is probably the inverse of our HD/LD sex life. Debating everything ad nausem is just draining to me.



> Originally Posted by FrenchFry
> Sometimes though I just want to shoot the breeze. I just want a meandering conversation about everything and nothing and being interrupted by a lecture or a point of contention is pretty much the biggest buzzkill ever.


Another way I frame it: it's not that I don't value her opinion I just don't value every topic enough to dig into it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Mr. Man said:


> I either don't know how to do this or I don't understand. If I disagree with something my wife says, things go sideways. I'm saying that it feels like the only way there is harmony is to always agree. And you're right, it's not a happy medium.
> 
> Here's a recent example. We were talking about vacations for next summer. She described a vacation that she wanted the family to take. She showed me a rental house on the beach and told me that places she wanted to go. I added up the costs in my head and it was very expensive. I told her calmly that I didn't think we could afford to go, or if we did go, it would mean giving up several other things we had planned.
> 
> ...


This is different from your OP and other explanations. If this is her actual behavior it is wrong, unless you constantly reject her suggestions. To me, this may be a symptom of your multiple "teaching" debates.



> Our family enjoys sharing our opinions and having little debates.......I tell others we allow our kids to argue with us.. I think using the word "argue" is what some are getting hung up on here....maybe it would be better to just say... we all get to share our views/ give our side, state how we feel...As a parent, I know they appreciate we listen to them...and allow this..without shutting them down....then we reason it out.. they , too, listen to us.


No hang up, many people do this and it isn't he same as what he described to me. He was, IMO, describing nitpicking and not problem solving. Sharing differing views is one thing, he said he tries to get her to see other sides just because whether it is his opinion or not.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Mr. Man said:


> Here's a recent example. We were talking about vacations for next summer. She described a vacation that she wanted the family to take. She showed me a rental house on the beach and told me that places she wanted to go. I added up the costs in my head and it was very expensive. I told her calmly that I didn't think we could afford to go, or if we did go, it would mean giving up several other things we had planned.
> 
> Her response was hurt and anger that I said no.
> 
> ...


The problem with this whole scenario is that you did not agree on the vacation budget before talking about where to go.

If you cannot do a budget together and agree on the amount, then you do need some help from a marriage counselor and yes, it is a power struggle.

You clearly have some communication issues.

It sounds fixable though, if you love each other and both want to work on it. You sound a little victim-y though. This is sometimes an indication that you don't want to work on it, you want to be right.

Just consider that no one is right, but you both must be able to handle adult joint decisions and you won't both always agree on them. You will both have to make compromises and be flexible and not be passive aggressive about stuff.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Mr. Man said:


> Here's a recent example. We were talking about vacations for next summer. She described a vacation that she wanted the family to take. She showed me a rental house on the beach and told me that places she wanted to go. I added up the costs in my head and it was very expensive. I told her calmly that I didn't think we could afford to go, or if we did go, it would mean giving up several other things we had planned.


Was her initial discussion framed to you in a way that she said this is the specific house she wants to vacation in and these are the specific things she wants to do? Or did she describe a general idea of a vacation she would like to take and provide you with an example house she had in mind?

I do this often with my wife. I start off with a general idea of what I want and then I look for her feedback in trying to work out the specifics. I value her opinion and want to work together. I am not asking for agreement on my first general thoughts.



> My wife did not listen and say, "OK, you think it's too expensive, what about this?


 YOU didn't say that either. You said NO and put her on the defensive and forced her to sell you on the plan you just shot down. You created an adversarial discussion instead of a team discussion. Not only does she feel isolated and defensive, you just forced her to do all the work to come up with another plan that she has to get you to "approve". 

You should have made your point that that house and those plans were not in the budget and asked her what options you could change to get her plan within budget or better yet looked to provide alternatives within budget and that you like. 

A team works together not against each other.


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## catcalls (Oct 31, 2012)

your wife is manipulating you, plain and simple. she is using your need to supplicate to her to control you. reverse the genders, people will be calling her emotionally abusive. 

she knows what she is doing because she was happy when you started agreeing with her all the time. but beware, as you do that she loses respect for you and starts thinking of you as her slave who has to please her.

you need to be a confident and fair man and stop reacting to her 'feeling sad'. if she does that again, ignore her and continue on other things. stop explaining and asking her how she is feeling. she is an adult and should learn to communicate properly. you can encourage that by ignoring poor behaviour.

does she work? how does she interact with other people when they are not deferring to her views and wishes. i suspect she is fine with other people who dont care about her as much as you do.

what she is doing is breaking your spirit and making you question everything you say or do. so stop caring about her moods and ignore them and wait for her to bring up topics which trouble her. she may not be able to have a proper discussion without being emotionally manipulative, but you have to hold firm and be a confident leader of your household nevertheless.


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## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

Well, I thank everybody for their comments. We have gone to marriage counseling twice before, both times at my request, and we have a new one scheduled for December. My wife is reluctant to go and as far as I can tell thinks the solution to our difficulties is for me to change. We definitely have difficulty saying yes to each other and are on the defensive a lot. I feel like she is hyper sensitive and only sees the negative in me. I am probably pretty similar at this point. 

I would like to make it work if only for the kids, but my confidence about that is low. I'm trying to stay open about this and be willing to face the things I'm doing wrong. I don't have a lot of confidence that my wife is also willing to do that, but who knows, maybe I'm not being fair to her. We will see.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Mr. Man said:


> I would love advice from women about something my wife and I are struggling with. My wife wants me to agree with her, pretty much all the time. I grew up in a house with a lot of debates, and I have a hard time with this. To me, discussions, debates, even arguments (if they aren't nasty) are enjoyable. But my wife feels uncomfortable with the conflict. If I disagree with her then her feelings are hurt. For example, last night we were talking about some town planning decisions where we live (Yes, we talk about town planning.) She made a comment about our city being the way it is because its a newer, west coast city. I disagreed, and pointed out the same feature in older east coast cities. I wasn't mean, I didn't insult her or yell, I just disagreed. She suddenly became quiet and I realized I'd hurt her feelings. So she's hurt when I disagree but I feel frustrated by only being able to say yes. How can I make her feel heard but also have an opinion?


I feel for you.. My ex was a bit of a narcissist, so any slight disagreement at all either led to her shutting down/crying/raging. Sort of her way to control the topic.

It is truly frustrating. I always thought you learn more about yourself/a topic/others through debate and sharing different view points. But anytime I had an opinion slightly different than my ex's, she would just shut down. introspect it just seems controlling and almost abusive.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Mr. Man said:


> I would love advice from women about something my wife and I are struggling with. My wife wants me to agree with her, pretty much all the time. I grew up in a house with a lot of debates, and I have a hard time with this. To me, discussions, debates, even arguments (if they aren't nasty) are enjoyable. But my wife feels uncomfortable with the conflict. If I disagree with her then her feelings are hurt. For example, last night we were talking about some town planning decisions where we live (Yes, we talk about town planning.) She made a comment about our city being the way it is because its a newer, west coast city. I disagreed, and pointed out the same feature in older east coast cities. I wasn't mean, I didn't insult her or yell, I just disagreed. She suddenly became quiet and I realized I'd hurt her feelings. So she's hurt when I disagree but I feel frustrated by only being able to say yes. How can I make her feel heard but also have an opinion?


Mr. Man....your post has your approach in it.

Sit your wife down, drape her legs over yours, take both of her hands in your hands and look into her eyes and say.

"The other day when we were talking about the city planning and I disagreed with you, did you feel I was mean? I realized I'd hurt your feelings. I feel like you appear hurt when I disagree with you, but I also feel frustrated by only being able to say yes to you and not being able to have a difference of opinion. How can I make you feel heard but also have an opinion of my own that might disagree with you? I love our discussions and want to have more of them, even if we may not agree."


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I think a lot of people involved in long term relationships eventually face this dilemma.
> 
> People with strong ,dominant personality types need to be aware .
> Thing is, everyone wants to be understood and most people generally like others to agree with them.
> ...


I am the same as the OPs wife and this post described me perfectly apart from the long time relationship.


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## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

Here's another example. Last night I was looking through some old papers and found an appraisal of three diamond rings that my mother had owned. I said, "Hey, look, it's an appraisal of your engagement ring."

My wife came over, and I kept talking, reading the descriptions of the rings. I was trying to figure out from the descriptions which ring was hers. I thought it was one, then the other. At first I said, "Oh, it's this one." Then I realized it wasn't that. 

As I was reading and thinking out loud my wife was saying, "No, that's not it." She pointed to the description at the bottom, next to which my mom had written my name. My wife said it's that ring.

I read the description and looked at the photo, and disagreed. The ring was a solitaire, and my wife's ring has three diamonds. I should add that I held the appraisals in my hand and was sitting. She was standing and too far away to read the small type. She just saw my name and could hear what I was reading.

When I disagreed, my wife's tone changed and she began describing her ring to me in a way I found patronizing. 

I turned to her and said, "I feel like you are lecturing me."

She said, "Well, you're not listening to me."

I said, "We can disagree without..." I meant to say "being rude," but she was shaking her head and obviously angry. She walked away.

In my original post I described how we can't have disagreements. I phrased it as, I like to argue. But maybe I should have said that I feel comfortable disagreeing respectfully. To me, I was thinking out loud trying to determine which ring was her's (if any of them). I was processing. But I think my wife feels like, if she thinks she has the answer, that any discussion is an insult to her. I feel like she has no capacity to be in a disagreement without taking the disagreement personally. She feels like I am rude because I disagree.

A tiny, pointless argument like this derails our marriage. We both feel upset. I am still trying to figure out what to do about it and, frankly, what I can do alone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

For all your wife's issues, one of women's most common needs is to be heard. You'll see it pop up again and again; my guess is that since men are usually more aggressive, even subtly so, women to feel overrun, not heard, or dismissed. So they become hyper-sensitive to it. 

I DO see your side of it. But I see hers, too. And, in the end, the way a marriage survives is being able to see the other person's side in things. And hoping that, when you do, they'll reciprocate.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why didn't you clarify the situation by pointing out the difference in the # of stones versus accusing her of lecturing you? Are you setting your wife up to piss you off? Are you looking for reasons to throw in the towel?


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## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

Bloni--Anything is possible. The way our marriage is right now, the amount of tension in the house, I think breaking up would be a relief. 

However, I don't think that's what I'm doing. I did point out the different number of stones. We disagreed about it and the ring wasn't handy to look at. But I don't think that's the point. Being right or wrong, I mean. There are times when we argue that I'm right and times when I'm wrong. What I'm trying to explore is how we deal with the conflict of a disagreement. I don't think there should be different rules for when I am right or when she is right. No matter who is right, we should still be able to have a discussion. 

In my marriage, maybe for most people, myself and my wife usually think that our point of view is correct. We agree with our own ideas--of course we do. Whether we are factually correct doesn't matter. It's our perception that matters and then how we react to somebody with a different perception. I feel like I am thinking out loud, exploring a topic, looking at a thing from different angles. To me, that's what a discussion is. But it seems to me like if we disagree about something, my wife just gets hurt. So I think I have the choice of the disagreement which I enjoy or just saying, "Yes, Dear" no matter what I think or feel. 

A few people have pointed out that this is a fake duality. There are other choices. In the context of my marriage and with who I am, I'm not sure how to make those other choices. I also don't know if it makes a difference. I often think that my wife wants to feel hurt. Considering her family background, I think she feels most comfortable when she's a victim. I have doubts that anything I can do will make our marriage better because it seems like no matter what I do, it doesn't get better. 

I'm struggling--I'm not sure what else to say about it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mr. Man said:


> However, I don't think that's what I'm doing. I did point out the different number of stones. We disagreed about it and the ring wasn't handy to look at. But I don't think that's the point. Being right or wrong, I mean. There are times when we argue that I'm right and times when I'm wrong. What I'm trying to explore is how we deal with the conflict of a disagreement. I don't think there should be different rules for when I am right or when she is right. No matter who is right, we should still be able to have a discussion.
> 
> In my marriage, maybe for most people, myself and my wife usually think that our point of view is correct. We agree with our own ideas--of course we do. Whether we are factually correct doesn't matter. It's our perception that matters and then how we react to somebody with a different perception. I feel like I am thinking out loud, exploring a topic, looking at a thing from different angles. To me, that's what a discussion is. But it seems to me like if we disagree about something, my wife just gets hurt. So I think I have the choice of the disagreement which I enjoy or just saying, "Yes, Dear" no matter what I think or feel.


First, it doesn't matter if YOU think that's what you're doing. What matters is how it comes across to HER. At least, if you want to stay married. Although it sounds to me like you've already decided you don't want to stay married and you're justifying leaving.

Second, my H constantly says and believes things that hurt me, holds views I don't believe in (bigotry, etc.). I can't change him. I can't make him think differently. But what I CAN do is ask him not to speak these things out loud. 

You don't have to stop believing what you believe. But you CAN be considerate about the other person in the room.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Perhaps the MC can listen while you & your wife have a typical conversation and see if/where it takes a wrong turn. Be your usual self and not on your best behavior.

One thought is that some people enjoy talking about anything & everything and others are more selective. Your wife may find this type of engaging tiresome. It seems she really wasn't all that interested in the appraisal you found and became irritated when you wanted to pursue the conversation.

Good luck with the counseling.


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