# well..now what?



## just me (Mar 31, 2009)

I'm glad that I found this site. I need some impartial third party people to look at my situation and tell me what I'm missing. I used to be a happy go lucky girl. I met my husband fresh out of high school, and though I wasn't looking for anything serious, it developed very quickly, and needless to say, it was drama from the word go. There is a huge age difference between us, I was 18 (now 27) and he was 34 (now 43). We had a son together and things seemed to be going pretty well. We then got married and had a daughter shortly after. We both had steady, stable jobs and everything for the most part was good.

About 3 years ago, my husband decided he didn't like his job as a truck driver who was fortunate enough to come home every night, and decided he wanted to be on the road, and with that, the decision was made. I didn't have much say in it, everytime I tried to discuss it, it became a big argument and it wasn't worth it anymore. Over those 3 years, I only saw my husband every 2-3 weeks, and at first I didn't adjust very well. I was lonely and felt like he was choosing his job over me, although we needed the money and he was making a lot of it. Over those three years, I have became very independent. I have learned how to repair appliances, handle all of the finances, raise the kids practically on my own, etc. Plus, there is a lot of growing up that is done between 18 and 27.

Fast forward to the present. My husband was promised an 'inside" position dispatching for the company he worked for, which meant no more truckers wife for me, yay! The catch was we were going to have to move from Kansas City to Texas. Kansas City is all I have ever known, I have never been anywhere else. All of my family and friends are there. My husband really has no family to speak of, so he doesn't have ties holding him anywhere. After much arguing and debating, and many guilt trips from my family and friends, I reluctantly moved to Texas. I though as long as I would finally have my husband home every night it would be okay. Right after we moved here 2 months ago, my husband was in an accident in the truck and lost his job, including that promised "inside" promotion. I continued to tell him everything would be okay, he would find a job and we would make ends meet, but everytime I found a job for him, it became " I dont want to do that, no I dont think so, or I will keep looking" I mean really, in this economy beggers cant really be choosers right? Anyway, he has now found a job being a cab driver. He is never home, he makes up his own hours, works all night, comes home and sleeps while i'm at work, and then when I get home, he's gone again. In the rare occasion he does stay home, I wake up in the middle of the night to find him gone, and when I call him, he is at work.

I am alone in a strange place, with only the company of a 7 and 6 year old to keep me occupied. The thought of having my husband home was shot right out the window. At this point, we are roommates and nothing more. 

I feel like I always have to beg for sex, and it has been that way for a long time. I always initiate it, and 9 times out of 10, the only response I get is "don't get your hopes up". I walk away feeling completely rejected and wondering what is wrong with me. I have tried to spice things up, I have done anything he has ever wanted to try (even though I didnt want to) and still to no avail. He doesnt understand why I am mad about it, and all I can say is if the shoe was on the other foot and you were constantly rejected, how would you feel? His excuse is always he's tired, but once I call him out on that excuse, he starts using another.

His drinking has also been a problem for a long time too. Right after we got married, I was told by a friend of his ex-wife's that he was an alcoholic. I took that info for what it was worth, figuring it was just a meddling friend, and didn't do anything about it. However, he doesn't have any control. He is the type of drinker that is a functionaling alcoholic. He doesn't miss work, hide bottles, or anything like that. What he does do is come home, drink an 18 pack of beer and a bottle of margarita mix in one sitting and then go to bed. He blames me for his drinking problem, says that he drinks because i'm negative, or he drinks because he can't sleep. It recently has come to a head and I told him I couldn't take it anymore, I don't drink and I'm not going to put up with him boozing and passing out when hes home, when he is home and drinking its like hes not even here.

The issue now has come up about moving back home. We are financially struggling right now due to his job loss. He absolutely refuses and says I can go without him, but he just cant go back there, he hates it and he isnt going. I tried explaining that it would be the best for us financially, and he could do the same line of work there as he does here, but he flat out refuses, if we lose our apartment, he would rather stay in a motel than to go home back to Kansas City.

I'm at my witts end right now. I love him, but I have realized that I'm not in love with him. All along everyone has told me that he is selfish and wants nothing more than to get me away from everyone and control every aspect of our lives. I didn't believe it and here I am now trying to figure out if this marriage is fixable. I have always been the one to reach out, to apologize first, to go out of my way to cheer him up, to let him know hes loved and cared about. I have always put together birthday parties for him (even if it was just me and the kids), came up with thoughtful Valentines day and anniversary gifts, simple things to let him know that I care. For the first time in our marriage I can say I just dont feel like trying anymore. I feel like roommates and I dont have that emotional connection anymore. I'm not sure how to approach the situation without making it worse.

Now what?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i also moved to texas with my H and he was never home. i left my family friends and I was so lonely! i had no one. it was really, really hard and my H and i fought constantly. 

If you feel alcohol is a problem in your marriage there is a group called alanon. I dont know where you are in texas but i went to a few meetings there myself and it helped me a lot. My H isnt an alcoholic, my brother is. Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

You will find a lot of women in your same situation there.


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