# Talk about other's & Is love about sex?



## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's fairly normal, I'd say, but not every man wants to know, and some who think they want to know can't handle the answers (sometimes long after they've been heard). Only you can decide - based on his personality and reactions to other things he's heard about your or others - if this is sincere curiosity or an unhealthy focus. I know the answers to many such questions, and it does not bother me at all. (We've had an open relationship, and have been involved in swinging, so sometimes we've been there to _see_ the answers to such things.) It really comes down to attitude.


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## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

Thanks we are open and honest with each other have had several threesomes but all were women.... guess I got some thinking to do. Thanks!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I can say for all men. I"m only married to one. My husband has never asked me those quesitons. In the long past dating scene none of the men asked me that.


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


He is trying to stimulate the relationship sexually. I would make up something and feed his need.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I would be careful with this. While it may seem like he's just wanting to get off on your past, it could come back to haunt you. So what seems like a harmless thing that he enjoys hearing during sex could really hurt him and he could use it against you. What I'm trying to say is that when he's having sex with you, it might arouse him to think of you as a "sl**" . But outside of the sexual arousal games with this, he might see it very differently and it could haunt him (and in the end, you). You can't "unsay" something once you've disclosed it and once it gets into his head, it's there forever.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I've never told my husband about my sexual past, at all..dating guys, yes...but not that; he's told me a little about his past, but very checkered. they say they want to hear it, but I don't believe they do. I wouldn't answer those questions.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

To me, as a H, that would be a no, don't answer that because as mentioned that's not something that can be unsaid. 

But each to their own. He may be one that this will never come back to bite you in the a$$. 

If he's doing this to stimulate sex time then tell him clearly you're into talking dirty for him and but insist he acknowledge he understands that you'll be making things up, giving him a good story as you answer and talk like a "****" for him.

He'll still enjoy it the same if he's just spicing things up.

If he's doing other than that then that's a question only for you.


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## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

So how to start... my husband and I are together 16 years married for 6 we had great time but there has always been something off... We were only 19&24 when we meet. My husband has a really high sex drive like he's 16... I have a normal sex drive we have sex 3/4 times a week sometimes more or less depending on week. He always want to talk about his fantasies wanting other women or people watching making a video talking about me and men I've been with in the past... we got into a huge fight within the 1st year of being together he was still sleeping with other women at the beginning as we weren't official.... when I found out we fought.... he always want me to talk about other people's d*_is and I don't love doing this but do sometimes so when we were fighting he kept saying I know you've seen bigger... my husband is hung well so he has should have pen*_ envy issues. So I then told him I saw bigger. It was a big fight!! Then we made up... We have had at least 4 threesomes with only women throughout the years... now we have 2 kids under 7 and we still dwell over all the sex he wants and need this will go on all day sometimes.... for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger and is agree towards me about it I told him I made it up as I did but no now he says I don't trust you I never have you lie a lot he wants to know my whole sexual past... I feel like these days I'm worrying about my husband's sex life more than my kids... he had a really bad nigt almost 3 months ago, drinking his life away i had to call cops and all.... so now he dosnt drink and beace of this he fells like i should give him much more praise for fallowing throw "sex" but he like to have makeup sex these dsys so he makes us both angree and then a night when kids are sleeping this is his way of fixing things..... i dont want to have sex when i mad.... I'm so lost and the worst part is our kids have to hear it all as were all stuck in house right now!! Thanks for listening! What would you do?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Your husband may be struggling with a combination of low self esteem and fear of abandonment. Low self esteem will make him feel as though he can't make you happy and that he will never be enough for you. Perhaps he needs to validate this by asking about your previous partners and/or exploring with an open marriage to validate his notion that other people can make you happier than he does. Then if you choose to stay with him despite that, it can create a sexual euphoria that you still choose to be with him for reasons he can not validate other than with more sex.

Low self esteem can also create a high sex drive in some people. As if it is the only way to measure and validate that other people accept you. So if your husband has stopped drinking, perhaps he feels as if you should be more accepting of him and that the only way to validate this is with more praise and/or sex. Awkwardly this may be a good thing in that his self esteem feels more deserving of love, but yet one still has to deal with the fact that no one is entitled to love.

In my opinion you may want to help him work on his self esteem. The best way to do this is to try and find a way to let him do that for you. Perhaps come up with a genuine reason you struggle with your own self esteem and ask him to try and help you with that. If he is able to help you, choose that as a reason to be happier and attribute his help as something that made you happy. Doing that will actually help his self esteem and he will begin to feel more secure in the relationship. AND you might enjoy allowing him to help you. Choose a mostly inert topic like cooking or knowing what movies to choose. Ask him for help. But do so with the notion that you are actually helping him and be patient with the process. 

As far as things go in the bedroom... some degree of maintenance sex (like agreeing to a schedule or frequency) can also alleviate stress associated with intimacy. If you don't want to have sex when you are mad, scheduling can help. Perhaps it takes away a little passion of the moment, but it is a skill building process that mostly helps attribute intimacy to being patient for one another as opposed to struggling with impatience and feelings of low self esteem when it does not happen naturally. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

@badsanta has great insight there.



Rebh said:


> for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger


In bygone days, telling a guy this was roughly equivalent to telling him your child isn't his. Today, he can prove to a 5-nine certainty that the child is, or is not, his. So that statement can be overcome with irrefutable proof..

However, telling him you "saw bigger" cannot be proven. So, it is likely that 30 years later, he'll still have a problem. You'll never convince him that you "made it up". Unfortunately, this is "toothpaste out of the tube".....


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

This whole bigger smaller thing esp for a hung guy, and really any normal, is just silly. 

I honestly think he really has issues. Like Santa said, self-esteem, or maybe too much porn, to much looking at porn star cocks, all of that. 

The question is, how does she get him to BEGIN to understand that he is just getting too weird. 

Somehow, if possible, she has to get him to therapy, probably sex therapy. 

But one problem is, he does not think there is a problem. I mean she has given him several threesomes, and I don't know if she even likes girls or if it is all just for him. 

Further, he seems to be getting out to maybe some type of hotwifing or cuckolding or something like that. With his insecurity that is probably poring gasoline on a fire...

He need a reality check and some therapy....


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Rebh said:


> So how to start... my husband and I are together 16 years married for 6 we had great time but there has always been something off... We were only 19&24 when we meet. My husband has a really high sex drive like he's 16... I have a normal sex drive we have sex 3/4 times a week sometimes more or less depending on week. He always want to talk about his fantasies wanting other women or people watching making a video talking about me and men I've been with in the past... we got into a huge fight within the 1st year of being together he was still sleeping with other women at the beginning as we weren't official.... when I found out we fought.... he always want me to talk about other people's d*_is and I don't love doing this but do sometimes so when we were fighting he kept saying I know you've seen bigger... my husband is hung well so he has should have pen*_ envy issues. So I then told him I saw bigger. It was a big fight!! Then we made up... We have had at least 4 threesomes with only women throughout the years... now we have 2 kids under 7 and we still dwell over all the sex he wants and need this will go on all day sometimes.... for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger and is agree towards me about it I told him I made it up as I did but no now he says I don't trust you I never have you lie a lot he wants to know my whole sexual past... I feel like these days I'm worrying about my husband's sex life more than my kids... he had a really bad nigt almost 3 months ago, drinking his life away i had to call cops and all.... so now he dosnt drink and beace of this he fells like i should give him much more praise for fallowing throw "sex" but he like to have makeup sex these dsys so he makes us both angree and then a night when kids are sleeping this is his way of fixing things..... i dont want to have sex when i mad.... I'm so lost and the worst part is our kids have to hear it all as were all stuck in house right now!! Thanks for listening! What would you do?


Sounds pretty messed up. 
Be sure and pass all that healthy sexuality on to the kids. 
Nothing more healthy than 4-somes. 
I do not know how you repair a dysfunctional mess. 
Your hubby sounds like he's seen like 10,000 hours of porn or something. 
You do not get those types of appetites unless you've lived in the world of porn to warp what you want with your wife. 
No advice. I do not know what to suggest.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Does he watch porn? How often?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


My wife was a virgin.

The thought of her letting other men have her and do her would make me no longer want her. 

I have no idea why anyone would get their kicks hearing and visualizing this stuff. 
To each their own.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hinterdir said:


> Sounds pretty messed up.
> Be sure and pass all that healthy sexuality on to the kids.
> Nothing more healthy than 4-somes.
> I do not know how you repair a dysfunctional mess.
> ...


Generally speaking in a marriage people associate someone using porn as a way to substitute or avoid intimacy. As in, "my husband never wants to be with me because he chooses watches porn instead."

Having said that, porn can exacerbate problems. Generally because it is used as a scapegoat and the real problems get overlooked and/or ignored.

The problem here is that the husband is trying to use "sex" to solve problems in the marriage and strengthen the relationship. As in, "we had a fight and now we have to have sex to fix it!" ...and generally that does not work. Perhaps it can alleviate a few things in the short term, but it will not solve the bigger underlying issues. 

To the original poster, in my opinion you should ignore comments about porn. Yes porn can be a problem, but any problematic use should be viewed as a symptom of other problems and not the source of a problem.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

badsanta said:


> Generally speaking in a marriage people associate someone using porn as a way to substitute or avoid intimacy. As in, "my husband never wants to be with me because he chooses watches porn instead."
> 
> Having said that, porn can exacerbate problems. Generally because it is used as a scapegoat and the real problems get overlooked and/or ignored.
> 
> ...


No I have to disagree... And understand I am not some "never porn" guy. I don't look at it a lot but I will sometimes when partner is not around and I may need to rub one out. 

However, it can cause problems. If we are to believe OP the her H is hung, which mean probably above average to pretty big. But we can assume that he is not porn star size or otherwise she would have said huge. 

My point is this, if this guy is watching a certain type of porn or BC porn he may not even understand that he is bigger than average. Which increases his insecurity that is stupid for him to have. 

So in that sense it can be a problem. But his overall attitude sounds kind of... well, stupid, or immature at the very least. 

I think he needs professional help...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I would stop addressing the past penises and sex. He obviously can't handle talking about this. I would start responding. We have been together for 16 years. I don't remember the past men. Only you. Or bluntly, I don't want to talk about the past. 

It frankly isn't important. He seems like he is very insecure and just looking for something to fight about or something. Also his obsession with others, are you ok with that? 

I certainly wouldn't be trying to convince him one way or the other that you've seen bigger or not. Frankly unless you've went your whole life without watching any porn then you've seen bigger. But that isn't the point. The point is it doesn't matter it isn't really his business. He needs to grow up and address his marriage.

Are you feeling disconnected or bored with him? Do you feel as connect and in love with him now as 2 years ago? He may sense a change in your demeanor if something has changed and be trying to figure out what it is or displace the reason. It seems he has worsened his behavior of late and that would certainly change my daily feelings.

As for the fighting in front of the kids. Just stop. If he starts simply say. It isn't healthy to fight, I refuse to do that. If you want to calmly discuss this we can do that at *_* pm (after the kids go to bed). If he is talking sex and old boyfriends in front of the kids that is just wrong. I'd simply say this is unacceptable. This is an adult topic. Or if it is about bigger ****s. Simply say. I will not have this conversation again ever. Please stop bringing it up.

After giving a simple calm sentence about the appropriate with an alternate time you are willing to discuss then stop talking. IF needed leave the room. I'm sure your kids would love to play with you right at that moment.

As far as make up sex this is pavlov's dog. He gets you made, he gets sex. He wants more sex to he works to get you mad. Tonight if you aren't fighting sit down have a conversation about how appropriate times and talk are important. Emphasize you don't enjoy fighting but you really don't want many of these topics discussed around the kids. Let him know you will always be willing to talk with him but many of these topics need to be after the kids are in bed. Take this time to also let him know you like having sex with him but you aren't going to have make up sex anymore. Also let him know you don't want to fight anymore surely you can sit down and discuss things without fighting. Then stop having make up sex. 

You can also use it to train him some. IF he has a good day, doesn't drink, pick fights, or talk bout big ****s. At the end of the day say how nice the day was and then have very energetic sex..  It is sad that he can't act like a mature adult.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

mrs brady said:


> He is trying to stimulate the relationship sexually. I would make up something and feed his need.


Dear RBH; I agree with the above advice.

If you are feeling brave enough to handle it. You might sit down with your H and ask him if there is any kind of "dirty talk" or "role playing" he would like the two of you to try. Tell him you won't judge him or call him names (if you really can do this) and that you will not be judgemental. Tell him that you are his W and you want him to open and candid with you and that you can be trusted. Also say that there may be things he wants to do that your personal boundaries will not allow you to do, but you will listen, think about it, research it and see if there is something you can do that will at least give him the illusion of what he wants.

Good luck. If you want you could even try a "yes, no, maybe list" or have a few sessions with a sex therapist/marriage counselor.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Best to not disclose anything to a man about your sexual history. Let him wonder about all the huge penises, the volumes of semen and all the other things that on one hand he'll get aroused by and on the other hand, continually throw back in your face to insult you.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Lol, one thing I know as absolute truth and the only piece of advice I have to give is: NEVER EVER fall for that line about "I won't get mad". He's going to get _something_ if you talk sexually about another man. KNOW THAT.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JustTheWife said:


> Best to not disclose anything to a man about your sexual history. Let him wonder about all the huge penises, the volumes of semen and all the other things that on one hand he'll get aroused by and on the other hand, continually throw back in your face to insult you.


You've known some really weird men.

Just sayin! It has warped your perspective at least. 😉


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


I honestly don't care unless something from her past is hurting her.

I don't think it's normal but I might be in the minority for all that I know.

I really can't wrap my head around it because if I'm with a woman, others are not.

If we are still together after some time, I'm obviously satisfied by her overall and that includes sex and I would assume vice versa.

There are any number of reasons why I would be with her and not still with any of my exes and it would be the same for her.

This is loser territory in my humble opinion.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> You've known some really weird men.
> 
> Just sayin! It has warped your perspective at least. 😉


Well it seems that the OP (and many other women) have had problems caused by information that they've shared. Sometimes it's good to know that you're not alone.

I think you know exactly what you're doing but just in case you don't, it's deeply insulting to tell a woman that she has a "warped perspective" because she's been in abusive relationships. So I shouldn't share my experience with the OP (which has some parallels to hers) because i have a "warped perspective"?


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Worldly experience usually leaves people wiser....not necessarily warped.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JustTheWife said:


> Well it seems that the OP (and many other women) have had problems caused by information that they've shared. Sometimes it's good to know that you're not alone.
> 
> I think you know exactly what you're doing but just in case you don't, it's deeply insulting to tell a woman that she has a "warped perspective" because she's been in abusive relationships. So I shouldn't share my experience with the OP (which has some parallels to hers) because i have a "warped perspective"?


I'm not being insulting, just observant. You can't hide what your posts reveal and they reveal a warped perspective.

If you can help someone, I hope you do. I'm not discouraging you from sharing but you should grow to understand that much of your perspective does not come from a healthy perspective.

I learned some of that myself when I came here. There have been some great folks that helped me a lot.

I'm unfortunately not the most tactful poster but I stand by my observations even if they feel insulting, they are meant as insight and hopefully helpful.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I have never ask that and don't care. I want our sex life to be about us.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

hinterdir said:


> My wife was a virgin.
> 
> The thought of her letting other men have her and do her would make me no longer want her.
> 
> ...


I personally blame porn. A lot of these men grew up getting off on women getting off with other men. They grew up and their primary attraction was porn-stars so that is what they think is the alpha women. They want to make turn their wives into porn stars in a sense.

The other turn on is power. What greater power can you have over someone then to get them to give their body to someone else when they don't want to. Which is why I like to call it - Pimp my wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


We've had men posting here who asked their wives these types of questions. And then the men are here with what is call "retroactive jealousy". It eats at them and have destroyed a lot of marriages.

I don't think that most men ask these kind of questions. I would never answer them or just make up something about him being the biggest, best, whatever that the world has ever seen.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

VibrantWings said:


> Worldly experience usually leaves people wiser....not necessarily warped.


Like a 1000 times. Funny that it's usually women that are deemed to have been rendered unable to think logically due to [fill in the blank] .... a rape, abuse, our periods, our emotions running wild, maybe menopause, or whatever. To be told that you have a warped perspective because you've been in an abusive relationship? Wow. I guess i have nothing to offer here since my perspective is so "warped" by some unfortunate experiences. Most people here have had bad relationships at some point. Maybe we're all "warped".

Many men here are borderline misogynistic or worse due to being cheated on by a woman. Very rare to see people trying to shut them up or dismiss their views because their experiences have given them a "warped perspective". I don't mean this as a slam on men but rather pointing out how deeply insulting it is to dismiss or discredit someone's views as being a "warped perspective" just because they've been in problematic relationships.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your husband sounds like a selfish prick. Wait.....you had 4 threesomes with females only, what about your wants and needs? He wants it his way all the time. He needs to cut that **** out right now and tell him, he needs to get over himself because you have carried him and his wants and sexual desires for 16 years and what did he do for you? Enough already. There are much deeper issues here, he is putting all his bulls*** on you. Tell him to get counselling and sort out his **** or you are walking.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Quite honestly based on your other posts, the less encouragement you give your H the better, so no I would not answer these questions if I were you, he will definitely use it against you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is an asshole. Ain't no way around it. Personally, I wouldn't humor him anymore with this nonsense.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> Best to not disclose anything to a man about your sexual history. Let him wonder about all the huge penises, the volumes of semen and all the other things that on one hand he'll get aroused by and on the other hand, continually throw back in your face to insult you.


This may be "warped" to some, but it's *spot on*.

I get that you're being facetious when you say to let a guy wonder about "all those huge penises" and the "volumes" of semen in our pasts. I _get_ that your inferring that some men are thinking in these terms about our pasts, as though we've all lived the lives of porn stars.

And you're absolutely *right* about some men saying they want to hear all about your past sexual experiences because it's a "turn on" for them - until the next day when they're throwing it back in your face. This is true and it only had to happen ONCE for me to learn _*that *_lesson.

No thanks, I won't be making that mistake again.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Your husband is an asshole. Ain't no way around it. Personally, I wouldn't humor him anymore with this nonsense.


Right?

He's an ass-hole who continually humps her leg like a dog in heat (how attractive) and has managed to get his share of strange by bullying his wife into having threesomes with other women.

Now, SHE'S suddenly the bad guy because Mr. Pig is feeling insecure.

I'd be filing that under "too bad, so very, very sad."


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


LOL...there's another thread in the Sex in Marriage section right NOW where a wife is *regretting* ever having said a word.

These guys seem t get off listening to your past expolits until the next day or maybe a week or two later when they're at work remembering what they heard. Then some of them throw it right back in your face - for the rest of your life.

Be very *VERY* careful what you choose to share with him. Once it's shared, you can't unring the bell.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Guys who want to know all of this stuff remind me of Renfield - Dracula's rat-eating side kick. Just plain creepy and not at all manly.


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## desiresmore (Oct 15, 2013)

I don’t want to minimize the cautions and concern that others are saying. BUT, this can be a fun and sexy part of a secure couple’s relationship. I think it would require a deep trust, safety and openness that takes time to develop. Caution yes, but it can do done safely and can be a boost to the intimacy of the couple.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This may be "warped" to some, but it's *spot on*.
> 
> I get that you're being facetious when you say to let a guy wonder about "all those huge penises" and the "volumes" of semen in our pasts. I _get_ that your inferring that some men are thinking in these terms about our pasts, as though we've all lived the lives of porn stars.
> 
> ...


Thanks...well I guess you have a "warped perspective" as well. Of course, in addition to him using it against you when he's not being aroused by it, you can also hurt him and cause psychological issues that may seriously undermine or even destroy your relationship. I forgot about that very important trap as well.

He might be intrigued and aroused by your past in the bedroom but in the light of day he may be disgusted by it (and you).

*It's your past...not his porn.* Hey I just made that up!


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## desiresmore (Oct 15, 2013)

To answer the title of this post, yes and no. Sex is an integral part of how many people express and receive love. You can however clearly love people without sex, it just lacks the depth, vulnerability and intimacy of a sexual relationship. 

Now your husband‘s behavior makes him sound sleazy in my opinion. I mean no offense, but thats how he strikes me. Perhaps even somewhat of a sex addict based on some of what you’ve described about his behavior. He also clearly has some insecurities about his P size, which in that case I would strongly suggest you avoid discussing the sizes of other lovers In the Future.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


I have zero interest in asking my W those types of questions. I don't see the point.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...there's another thread in the Sex in Marriage section right NOW where a wife is *regretting* ever having said a word.
> 
> These guys seem t get off listening to your past expolits until the next day or maybe a week or two later when they're at work remembering what they heard. Then some of them throw it right back in your face - for the rest of your life.
> 
> Be very *VERY* careful what you choose to share with him. Once it's shared, you can't unring the bell.


Reminds me of a nice song titled, "Ring my Bell" sung by Anita Ward.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

JustTheWife said:


> Best to not disclose anything to a man about your sexual history. Let him wonder about all the huge penises, the volumes of semen and all the other things that on one hand he'll get aroused by and on the other hand, continually throw back in your face to insult you.


I have to disagree. Too many people posting here and elsewhere that their sexual history came to light thanks to a friend and/or social media and their spouse of X years can't believe the woman he married did whatever she did and, if he'd known, he'd never have married her.

Your sexual history is part of you. It's shaped who you are as a lover and partner. If you're in a situation that has the potential to turn into a serious relationship I think it's best to just get it out there up front. If the guy is a phallus about it then you know he's not a good match and to move on.



She'sStillGotIt said:


> And you're absolutely *right* about some men saying they want to hear all about your past sexual experiences because it's a "turn on" for them - until the next day when they're throwing it back in your face. This is true and it only had to happen ONCE for me to learn _*that *_lesson.
> 
> No thanks, I won't be making that mistake again.


It wasn't about you or your sexual history. It was that guy just plain sucking. I hope you know that.



Blondilocks said:


> Guys who want to know all of this stuff remind me of Renfield - Dracula's rat-eating side kick. Just plain creepy and not at all manly.


DH and I have had those conversations. When we met and the whole love at first sight thing happened we were hungry to know absolutely _everything_ about each other so we could figure out if it was real and we were going to be each other's "the one" or if it was a false alarm. Total mental and emotional intimacy, no holds barred. Information was shared, questions were asked, jokes were made, laughs were had, and we both got a better understanding of each other, our experiences, how they shaped us, what we thought/believed now vs then, and so on.

Plus, we each had friends who were still heavily involved in our lives, people we'd known since we were very young, and who were there for some of our shenanigans. We didn't want each other finding out about things we'd done and who we'd done them with from someone else via a joking comment or something. 

And, of course, we've had that happen. There've been some teasing or joking comments at parties regarding group sex, a Cougar, and a few other tidbits that could have been a problem except I already knew about it, actually knew more of the behind the scenes than the jokester knew, and didn't care. I also had a "friend" that I fell out with who decided to "ruin my relationship" by "snitching" on me to DH regarding some casual sex I'd had and a couple kind of legendary stories involving me and a couple ex FWB's/ONS's. DH had long since heard the stories, didn't care, and thought the idea of her being able to ruin us with information about my past was hilarious.



VibrantWings said:


> Worldly experience usually leaves people wiser....not necessarily warped.


I firmly believe no one makes it out of childhood unscathed and we're all a bit warped after that.


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## desiresmore (Oct 15, 2013)

MJJEAN nailed it, well said!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And you're absolutely *right* about some men saying they want to hear all about your past sexual experiences because it's a "turn on" for them - until the next day when they're throwing it back in your face. This is true and it only had to happen ONCE for me to learn _*that *_lesson.


My wife often asks me about my past. I pick and choose to share just the horrible and most awkward things about being with other people. For example, "she had no idea how to touch me, and she was so rough it felt like she was trying to rip my skin. I often thought to myself if only I could just climax and get this over with because when she worked with her hands it was just like one of those people on a survivor show that could not start a fire to save her life." 

...then my wife giggles and I compliment her on how she drives me crazy. So if the OP finds herself in a situation where she has to share, try and share something embarrassing and awkward about your previous partners. If one partner was well endowed, try and share a story with your husband about how the guy would always get a cramp in his leg and have to awkwardly stop everything in the worst possible moments. Whatever it takes to make your husband laugh at the guy as opposed to having it be a conversation that starts a fight.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This may be "warped" to some, but it's *spot on*.
> 
> I get that you're being facetious when you say to let a guy wonder about "all those huge penises" and the "volumes" of semen in our pasts. I _get_ that your inferring that some men are thinking in these terms about our pasts, as though we've all lived the lives of porn stars.
> 
> ...


Guys, Conan is not being a complete jerk... intentionally. He may be untactful, but lots of us are.

Here is my take on his comment. Guys like him, and I don't know about the size of his ****, and me that are secure and have a regular sized ****, we don't understand all of this stuff about size of ****. 

I sure don't. I am normal sized maybe slightly above average, and I have no trouble with this stuff. I have been with lots of woman and I have pleased them all, or they are all liars. 

These guys that have this issue, esp like OP's husband that is "hung"... that is just crazy. 

There is nothing you can do about it anyway so why wonder or let it bother you...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Geez he sounds so annoying.

I would simply say, “We are never again discussing other men’s d*cks. Don’t ever bring it up again to me. If you would like us to continue having sex, this subject never gets brought up, ever. This is not open for discussion. Don’t even consider trying me on this. I don’t want you to reply. This subject is closed as of now.” Then walk away. 

And then _never _discuss it again. If he brings it up, walk away from him. It can only be discussed if YOU discuss it with him.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Start by telling him what you are or aren’t willing to agree to do - and talk about!

set down the rules! Tell him you are NOT willing to talk about d*cks with him ever again - no comparing - no talking size etc!

and use that guideline to establish boundaries within the marriage. If he brings up something you aren’t comfortable with - tell him that. If he has expectations for sex and you don’t agree - make a new agreement you can both live with by setting a schedule.

no one should bully you - and certainly not someone who says they love you.

tell him what hurts you. Tell him it also hurts the relationship. And tell him if he can’t live with what you decide what works for you - that he’s free to leave.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

desiresmore said:


> To answer the title of this post, yes and no. Sex is an integral part of how many people express and receive love. You can however clearly love people without sex, it just lacks the depth, vulnerability and intimacy of a sexual relationship.
> 
> Now your husband‘s behavior makes him sound sleazy in my opinion. I mean no offense, but thats how he strikes me. Perhaps even somewhat of a sex addict based on some of what you’ve described about his behavior. He also clearly has some insecurities about his P size, which in that case I would strongly suggest you avoid discussing the sizes of other lovers In the Future.


but you can also have sex without love.

Intimacy makes sex a stronger bond.

no trust kills all intimacy and generally makes sex suck.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> but you can also have sex without love.
> 
> Intimacy makes sex a stronger bond.
> 
> no trust kills all intimacy and generally makes sex suck.


I actually say this: You can have sex with out love, but you cannot have romantic love without sex. 

I don't believe it is possible...


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> I actually say this: You can have sex with out love, but you cannot have romantic love without sex.
> 
> I don't believe it is possible...


I’ve seen it with older folks who no longer can have sex.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

So yet another thread that eventually devolves into a discussion about what your partner should and should not know about you. Does this stuff really come up years down the road, in a relationship where everything seems to have been good, and suddenly there's insecurity about the past that didn't previously exist?

This stuff should be gotten out of the way early in the relationship. When you're thinking hey, things could get serious. At that point the conversation should be had about personal boundaries, what's private, and if one or the other party has an issue with that, then yeah, it's something that could become a real problem down the road. I think it really wrong to pretend otherwise. If you're scared to discuss it after you've known someone for 4 months, or 8 or a year or whatever, scared meaning that there are things you don't want the other person to know, but the other person has asked, and instead of saying "That's private to me, if it's going to be an issue for you, maybe things aren't going to work out" you say "I've told you everything important" or "There's nothing I'm hiding" then... it's on you. 

Better to figure out he or she isn't going to be comfortable with your past early, and either find someone else or work really hard together to get through it. Don't let things ride, hoping nobody finds out. Things have a way of surfacing. Plus, many of us aren't nearly as good at lying as we think.

I am living proof that hiding things is a very bad idea. Hiding things can really wreck a person. Wreck the person who's hiding things. This is the point that's frequently lost. It can be hardest on the person who's trying to live with the secrets. That's really dumb.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*This is turning into a thread jack. Please address the OP directly to help her with the problems she is having. 

STOP the tread jack.

{speaking as a moderator}*


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> I’ve seen it with older folks who no longer can have sex.


Key word is can not have sex. Before that they did. When you cannot have sex it changes things.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


I merged the two threads you have in this forum, Sex In Marriage, they are basically about the same topic. You will get better input keeping a topic on one thread. These are not separate issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


I do not think that most men ask these sorts of questions. I've never had anything like this asked of me. Nor would I answer it because it's clearly not going to end well. I would just tell him that he's the best lover I've ever had.

One thing I've learned here on TAM is that some men do ask these sort of questions and it almost always seems to end badly because they cannot handle the answer, no matter what the answer is. There are dozens, it not hundreds of threads on these forums started by men who are complaining about their retroactive jealousy because their wife answered these sorts of questions.

I do not believe that there is any need for a spouse to tell the details of previous sexual encounters. All they need know is that you have had sex before you met them. End of story. What matters is the relationship and sex you have with them.

In this thread and in your other one, you talk about all sorts of arguments/fights that your husband starts with you. What I'm curious about is why do you choose to engage in angry arguments/fights with him? It takes two to argue/fight. So why are you doing this? Why are you still with this guy when he's clearly not mentally ok?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> I have to disagree. Too many people posting here and elsewhere that their sexual history came to light thanks to a friend and/or social media and their spouse of X years can't believe the woman he married did whatever she did and, if he'd known, he'd never have married her.
> 
> Your sexual history is part of you. It's shaped who you are as a lover and partner. If you're in a situation that has the potential to turn into a serious relationship I think it's best to just get it out there up front. If the guy is a phallus about it then you know he's not a good match and to move on.


Close, but not quite. It's not always the case, and perhaps less than often the case, that, with relevant history disclosed, "he'd never have married her." He (or she; there's no reason this doesn't work both ways) would have approached things differently, would have perhaps been able to overcome subconscious or just plain not disclosed baggage. In my case, I absolutely would have married my wife, and I absolutely would have had a better marriage had I known. I would have been able to help her with the things that bothered here. I would have known why she was depressed, why certain things repulsed her. It wouldn't have made me love her any less. 

I had my own baggage. We all do. I declared my baggage up front. And she was fine with that. And she still is fine with that. What I did, she has no issue with. What she did, another entirely different story, because she let it fester and grow sour and taint our sex life, such that she had and continues to have, after 42 years!!!!... an aversion to sex in general, being in the shower with me, flirting... a couple other things that all remind her of a past she regretted. WTF? How is that even possible??? It's possible because she didn't declare her baggage. If she had, I could have worked with it. 

And, as has been said by myself and others, if you think your "secret" past could be an issue if revealed, then DON'T GET MARRIED. You're marrying the wrong person. Find someone you can be comfortable with about your past. Don't live your life worrying that something could be revealed.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I do not think that most men ask these sorts of questions. I've never had anything like this asked of me. Nor would I answer it because it's clearly not going to end well. I would just tell him that he's the best lover I've ever had.


I find it hard to believe there's no warning, nothing that could be seen in someone's character early-on in a relationship, that this stuff would come up. If you feel like you have to be someone you aren't, for the relationship to go forward, it's not a relationship you should be in.


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