# He shows no effort



## jamie_klein (Oct 15, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 5 years last Friday. He told me happy anniversary and that was it. HE did the same on Mother's day. It's not that I want a gift or anything like that, but he didn't even show any effort. I always try to make him feel like he is loved and I think of him often. But none of that is coming from him... Not happy...


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

have you ever told him how bad it makes you feel that he shows no effort on those days?


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## jamie_klein (Oct 15, 2013)

Yes, several times. He knows it hurts. But nothing changes.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Thankfully my STBW and I are nicely matched here. She is not big into anniversaries, birthdays, and a simple Happy Anniversary, even through text is good enough for her. I do like to do things for her, so I do, but it never feels like an expectation, and myself, I'm really not into them either, so a simple Happy Anniversary is good for me too if she even remembers...no biggie if she doesn't.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

jamie_klein said:


> Yes, several times. He knows it hurts. But nothing changes.


Does he give any reason, explanation, excuse? Does he say he's going to do it and then fail or is it just like "these things don't mean anything to me"?


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## jamie_klein (Oct 15, 2013)

No, he just says that he didn't think I was going to get him anything, so he didn't get me anything. I was like I always get you something! No matter the size or occasion. He knows that I put some thought into his special days. It just makes me want to cry. Like I'm not important enough to bother with.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Is he generally thoughtless on a day-to-day basis? Is his love language different from yours? Heck, is his communication method drastically different? Meaning, is he direct or indirect? Does he communicate in a timely manner about feelings, plans, schedules, etc.?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Was he like this before you got married?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

You need to stop getting him things.Treat him the way
he treats you.If he was like this before you married
him,your expecting him to change.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I wonder what thinking that you weren't going to get him anything had to do with is not buying you a gift for taking you out to dinner or some show of effort.
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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I have a couple of other questions. How does he receive gifts? Is he happy is he or embarrassed? does he try to avoid receiving gifts?

Might he be concerned that he can in no way match your level of thoughtfulness? 

If you enjoyed giving him gifts I don't think it is appropriate to stop giving him gifts just to teach him a lesson. However if the disparity is making you unhappy certainly reducing the gifts for the effort or the expense would make sense. A question to ask yourself is are you giving him gifts hoping that one day he will return a gift to you? Is it in any way that you are giving him gifts because it is something that you need rather than something that he needs or wants? And when I say that I don't mean that it is the gift that you want but the action of receiving a gift.
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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Next time he looks for the dinner you didn't make tell him, "Oh, sorry. I didn't think you were going to eat tonight so I didn't make you anything". 

Or -- "My apologies. I didn't think you were going to wear underwear tomorrow so I didn't wash them". 

Of course I am joking because as much as I would love you to be spiteful, it's better to take the high road. And it's really not even about the gift. It could have been as simple as, "Hey, I know you have been busy so I straighted up around the house and got your car detailed". It truly is, for most women, the thought and planning of a gift; not the gift itself.

I say buy yourself something nice.  

Sorry. I have no real advice. I am struggling with the same thing you are so I came here to read the responses you have received so far. My birthday is in a few weeks and I already know what I'm getting. It's a subwoofer. Yup. A subwoofer.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> My birthday is in a few weeks and I already know what I'm getting. It's a subwoofer. Yup. A subwoofer.


:rofl: Sorry IG, I don't mean to be inappropriate with the giggle, but this is just TYPICAL! You're not alone!


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I turn 35 next week. I bought myself two (gorgeous!) new dresses and a new pair of shoes.

Because I got a toothbrush for my 30th...

I've given up. I tried for 10 years to get him to buy me something for a birthday/anniversary/holiday that wasn't a household appliance, and now I just shop for myself. It's liberating.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

A toothbrush for your 30th?! are you kidding NL? how on earth did you respond to that? I don't know whether to laugh or cry :/

Bizarrely my H shows a lack of effort with my family (my biggest issue with him) but he's always been good with gift buying.

Thing is JK, whether it's buying a card or a gift, the more pressing point is his lack of attention if you're feeling upset or hurt - and I'd be interested to know what he *expects* when it's his birthday for example.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

I stopped buying big gifts for my wife because she knows what she wants and needs better than I do. We are also the types that buy what we want when we see it rather than waiting for a later day.

She either tells me what to go buy her or she runs out and picks it up and lets me know that her birthday/anniversary/canadian boxing day present has been purchased.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

By then I knew what to expect, so I wasn't surprised. I did refuse to use it, because it's just such a crappy birthday present, but I didn't get mad or anything. I'm not a huge presents person, which I think is why the lame/non-existant gift-giving didn't raise any red flags at first. But then when we started to make more money, I did expect the occasional gift that cost more than $20. Especially when he started buying himself whatever electronics he wanted.

OP, does your husband do other sweet things to make up for his lack of birthday/holiday generosity? Or is there a general stinginess with love and affection?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

We are like Kolors. In fact I told my family not to get me gifts any longer. For one thing, I need more stuff like a hole in the head. I'd rather they gave to charity in my name. We buy gifts when we are so moved rather than at specific times EXCEPT for birthdays. I look at birthdays as saying I am glad you were born. It isn't getting older. You are here on this planet and in my life and I rejoice in that fact.

If you think about when you buy something for yourself, you are buying it with money that belongs to both of you. You say, "Hey, I'd like to buy X. What do you think? " They think it is fine and you buy it. You just got a gift. 

I don't like "guilt" gifts. I really don't like getting gifts at all. It feels weird. 

But. If a gift is going to be given I want the sentiment to be it's main value. A little thing that catches your eye that makes you smile and think of the person is a wonderful gift. It can be stupid, it can be inexpensive like a candybar when you are out picking up milk. Or it can be that thing you know the other person has been eyeing but couldn't quite justify buying themselves. Gifts for no reason except that you wanted to give the person something are the best. 

Do the folks who are most unhappy with their spouse's lack of thought run regular purchases by one another? If my husband didn't do that and also didn't think about me much/ever I would be upset.
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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> I look at birthdays as saying I am glad you were born. It isn't getting older. You are here on this planet and in my life and I rejoice in that fact.
> 
> A little thing that catches your eye that makes you smile and think of the person is a wonderful gift. It can be stupid, it can be inexpensive like a candybar when you are out picking up milk.


:yay:


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I was married 21 years. Never a gift for any occasion. NOT ONE. EVER. Not for Christmas. Not for my birthdays, Not for anniversaries. Nadda, nothing. 

It was my fault got putting up with this all those years. You should not have to ask for gifts from your spouse on special occasions.

Spouses that are not buying gifts for practical reasons, start buying them before your spouse dumps you. It's a total cop-out to not buy a gift that has some thought into it. 

I made sure my divorce papers were served on my 21st wedding anniversary. That was my final gift to myself!!

Wake-up people, the special little things is a big part of love.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is your husband generally lacking in the emotions department? Not sentimental, not empathetic, more prone to interpret events through his primitive brain than to use more evolved thinking? 

Cause gals, never marry a neanderthal even if he is gorgeous, has a future and is an alpha. He might be more of a caveman than a dominant man. I would expect a caveman to bring home food and think he is giving you a present. 

"Grunt. Nice porterhouse. Look at that marbling. Grunt. TV. Tired. Hungry. Grunt. You mad. TV. Tired. "
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