# My Separated Wife tells me she thinks she is depressed,(any advice??)



## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

My wife and I have been separated for about 2 years. Things have been rocky at times, but are much better. Within the last six months we have been on various "family vacations/trips" and even on a few dates. 

One problem I am having is figuring out how to handle her reactions/interactions. Some days she wants to spend time with me and the kids, other days she says she wants to do stuff then cancels last minute and instead opts for other stuff with friends(only I find out later). Likewise, she will ignore all texts, important or not, then some days will text me to the point of me getting irritated because it is as if she is bored. I don't get angry as much as last year, I just find something else to do(if possible). This has been periodic behavior. This is some of the stuff that made me question our her commitment to me as well as our marriage. I have noticed she does many of these things when under stress or emotional turmoil. I believe she is unaware of this pattern or at least claims to be. 

A few days ago we were driving to my place and she says out of nowhere, "I think I am depressed." She then asked me what to do, I suggested IC, but I doubt she will go through with it as she was the one that turned it and MC down when we initially had problems. I really hope she does go though, wish she would agree to MC, but I don't want to push it.
Is there anything I can do to continue our progress as well as help her out with out giving too much of myself? I am seeking advice in the men's section as well. Thanks for any advice.


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

She seems to have some issues with herself for a long time, possibly prior to your relationship with her. 
However, your relationship with her MAY have exacerbated those issues and they are resurfacing again.

It seems like you still care about her so be there as a emotional support. 


May I ask how did that seperation come about in the first place?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Two years is a long time to be separated. Why haven't you two divorced or reconciled? I only ask because it is possible that she is feeling in limbo and that her depression is connected to it? I hope your wife gets some good IC. Be there for her if you want, but don't lead her on and don't get sucked into a toxic cycle for you, either.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

bahbahsheep said:


> She seems to have some issues with herself for a long time, possibly prior to your relationship with her.
> However, your relationship with her MAY have exacerbated those issues and they are resurfacing again.
> 
> It seems like you still care about her so be there as a emotional support.
> ...


She does, and I am fully aware of them and to the extent of them.
I gave her the choice of separation or MC she choose separation .There were many stressors in our life at the time. I had some trust issues with her over the years( some were very legitimate, others were not).
In summation, over the years she has been accused by others of doing things she shouldn't if we were a couple. Some noticed by my close friends and family.( mostly emotional, but still wrong) She was also lying about so many things( the main reason I mistrusted her). 

Also,her mom turned me against my wife over several years by feeding me a stream of lies and manipulations. Out of my wife and three siblings, my wife is the only one that has anything to do with her mom because it is "her responsibility". 

After years, she sees how her mother is as a person. Things have slowly gotten better, we communicate now. I fully accept my part in our problems and have been working on them on my own. I love her with all my heart, always have. I never wanted things to go like this.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

moxy said:


> Two years is a long time to be separated. Why haven't you two divorced or reconciled? I only ask because it is possible that she is feeling in limbo and that her depression is connected to it? I hope your wife gets some good IC. Be there for her if you want, but don't lead her on and don't get sucked into a toxic cycle for you, either.


I hope my previous comment fills in some things. I have offered her divorce for my sake at one point and her's at another. Her mom is a major problem. She feels she is responsible for her mom i.e. live with her and completely take of her). Her mom hates me for all the wrongs I have done( she has made up many things about me).


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

She needs to see a medical doctor if she is depressed. Depression is a very treatable mental illness.

Many depressed people refuse medical treatment. If they do, they are not helping themselves & there is not much you can do but offer support.


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

Agast84 said:


> She does, and I am fully aware of them and to the extent of them.
> I gave her the choice of separation or MC she choose separation .There were many stressors in our life at the time. I had some trust issues with her over the years( some were very legitimate, others were not).
> In summation, over the years she has been accused by others of doing things she shouldn't if we were a couple. Some noticed by my close friends and family.( mostly emotional, but still wrong) She was also lying about so many things( the main reason I mistrusted her).
> 
> ...


Yes I see what you mean because on some cultures, the family bond after marriage is still quite prominent.
Eg in some cultures the mother from the husband's side influences greatly unto the daily household lifestyle especially if they are still living together.

I felt like your wife took the easy way out when offered MC or separation because 1) she was accused of things she shouldn't had done during the marriage and 2) the emotional solace her mother offered ( which unfortunately she did not realize until recently) made her take the path of least resistance
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Emerald said:


> She needs to see a medical doctor if she is depressed. Depression is a very treatable mental illness.
> 
> Many depressed people refuse medical treatment. If they do, they are not helping themselves & there is not much you can do but offer support.


It is, and that is why I have been sad and frustrated by her refusal.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

bahbahsheep said:


> Yes I see what you mean because on some cultures, the family bond after marriage is still quite prominent.
> Eg in some cultures the mother from the husband's side influences greatly unto the daily household lifestyle especially if they are still living together.
> 
> I felt like your wife took the easy way out when offered MC or separation because 1) she was accused of things she shouldn't had done during the marriage and 2) the emotional solace her mother offered ( which unfortunately she did not realize until recently) made her take the path of least resistance
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very true on all accounts! About a year or so ago, what I thought was compassion in me, was in fact my love for her resurfacing. All I have ever wanted what was best for her, she deserves so much better than she gives herself, she is worth all the good life has to offer her, she just needs to realize it in herself. I have not been perfect, I have said things I shouldn't, but haven't we all at some point to a loved one.


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

What is IC?


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

bahbahsheep said:


> What is IC?


Individual Counseling.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Agast84 said:


> It is, and that is why I have been sad and frustrated by her refusal.


Keep suggesting it.


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