# I need help, i cant give up on my marriage



## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

*Looking for help, i cant give up on my marriage*

Hi, my name is Angelo, 40 years old from Ontario, Canada. 2 boys, age 6 and 3

Ive been looking around online on anything i can use or advise that i can follow thru yo help change my self for the better and praying that by doing so, save my marriage. All the advice that has been given to me points out to change my self first then things will fall thru. I am looking forward on people’s advice that went thru similar situation or currently going thru it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Looking for help, i cant give up on my marriage*

Welcome. 

All of us are growing.... one day at a time. Many of us, including me, made the mistake of looking to other people for the "goal".... be like him, be more like her, etc.

I found the "key" was not in how I "changed myself", rather, it was to set my "goal" on the right person as my example. I made a decision when I was 31, because all of the "growing" I did before that, well, much of it was in the wrong direction.

I chose to place the Lord Jesus Christ as my example, and I chose to "know" Him through the bible, through the words he spoke, through the behavior he exhibited, through what others said about Him.

I began to ignore others as being "examples", and put my trust only in Him and His words for the basis of my life.

This one decision was the turning point in my life. And, as you say, in most of the circumstances I found myself in, throughout the 36 years since, have found me with "WWJD" (what would Jesus do) upon my mind. In EVERY case, where I chose to follow Him, my decision was right.



Icantgiveupyet said:


> All the advice that has been given to me points out to change my self first then things will fall thru.


That is partially good advice. The missing element in that advice is that it does not answer the crucial question "....change ?.... to what?..."

I have given you what, for me, was "the rest of the story"....


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## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

Im praying that i will get the help i need towards changing myself and my marriage

My wife and i have been married for 7 years, we were together in total of 10 years, 2 young boys, 6 and 3. Just a quick rundown on what led to this. 

Our marriage have ups and down, arguments over responsibilities mostly my lack of. I know my wife is the glue that kept our family together, and i only see this when we are on a breaking point. She lost her father last june due to cancer. She is very close to him, but not to her mom. She is grieving and she is broken. We sold our home to move in with her mom. It was hard but beneficial for us as far as child care but very hard. 

I was feeling neglected after her father’s passing. We started to argue more and more, and started to shutdown. My tipping point was that when i turned 40, it felt like she didnt make an effort to celebrate it, even though it is a milestone. I used this incident as a reason to be mad at her. Just before Christmas we had a fall out, she wanted some time apart, her mom was upset at me during the argument and somehow we talked it out to stay because of the kids and it us close to christmas. It was good for a bit but i kept shutting down, i was stuck with the issue of her neglecting me, putting everyone else first. We were doing ok up until two weeks when we argued again, i finally told her that this is how i felt about her.

We didnt speak for several days and we decided to talk, every issues came out. She wasnt happy for a long time, i was the one neglecting her, she was the one doing the work raising the kids, and i put very minimal effort. And when she said she was done and she is just dead inside now. I apologized for all the years of pain and suffering i have caused. She said she doesnt if she will ever forgive me.That really broke me. I stayed with my parents for several days. We were using FaceTime just for the kids could see me. Then after 3 days she said i could come back home. Right away i tried the usual change my self routine and do things that i know i have not been doing. Its is just so hard. She said that she has a wall and our current situation made her defensive. Im still trying daily, small stuff like making her breakfast, asking how her day, texting her more, telling her that i love her and i would do anything to bring her old happy self back. She just keep saying that right now, she doesnt know how to feel and that she is dead inside.

Her behaviour towards the kids and other people are still the same but she is just very cold to me. Im just so used getting hug and a kiss on lips, when we wake up or before bed or when we ran each other in the kitchen. Even just holding hands. I missed that kind of intimacy. What we had. Now she is just cold, when i try to reach for her hand she hesitates and i give her a hug i get a cheek for kiss. i told her i want to communicate with her more even to spend just 5 minutes of me and her but she just too hesitant when we do.

She said give it some time. Which i am willing to do. I need some advice on how i can work on my issues to be better, and ways to deal with me trying somewhat save our marriage. Last night I mentioned about marriage counselling or even for me a her. She said she just doesnt know how she feels about it right now.

I need help so i can be on the right track


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## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

I know i have issues, which caused the massive build up of resentment, which led to me and my wife being separated emotionally and physically even though we live in the same roof. Our goal is to have what is best for our kids and work with our marriage. I just want a starting to point to better my self and like i said, praying that things will follow thru.

Thank you for your advice and reply


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Looking for help, i cant give up on my marriage*



Icantgiveupyet said:


> massive build up of resentment


That's the "starting point" you both need. Start by letting go of the past. Forgive each other. Resolve that both of you are no longer going to do the things which caused resentment in your partner. Start with a "clean slate", and continue with coming together for forgiveness if anything "wrong" gets written on the slate.

I've never read the works of Dr. Willard Harley, but I know he espouses a concept of "love tank". Do things which fill your wife's "love tank".


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

*Re: Looking for help, i cant give up on my marriage*

But it takes two to make it work, because if your partner doesn't your the floormat, and you only good enough to be stepped on.


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## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

I am all open for a “clean slate”. I pray constantly that she will allow me to. But right now her wall is up and i just cant get thru. I want to change my self that is causing all these issues for the time being and im hoping that she sees it and start to lower her guard down


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## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

See my post that led to my current situation and i hope that someone can give me an insight of how i can somewhat go thru it


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

*Re: Looking for help, i cant give up on my marriage*

A clean slate, won't happen but going forward and empathy from you and her is a must. 

But if you give some examples of what you did to her would really help. Because right now we are only guessing what you did, need more facts and this is a anonymous fourm and we don't know what your thinking.


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## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

I told her that she put others infront of me, that was the tipping point, before of me saying that to her, i was the one giving her the cold shoulders until she finally just came out and asked if we can be civil and talk about the issues. Once i said that, she broke down and said how i even say that. She put out all the stuff she has done over the years and how i did very little for our family and how much I neglected her and she still did it for us. Only when we took some time apart that i start to realize what a horrible husband i was. No infidelity or domestic abuse ever occurred . Its all the emotional hurt i have caused


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I don't think she wants to be with you anymore. And is resentful to you. If she was willing it may happen but she's controlling the outcome. She has to want the same but will see you as weak playing the pick me game. Give her what she wants and if time doesn't make her heart fonder for you move on and remember your mistakes as to not repeat them again.


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## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

And thats what im trying to do is to give her time, she even said give her time, i just want to know what to do while im giving her the “time” she wants


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Icantgiveupyet said:


> I know i have issues, which caused the massive build up of resentment, which led to me and my wife being separated emotionally and physically even though we live in the same roof. Our goal is to have what is best for our kids and work with our marriage. I just want a starting to point to better my self and like i said, praying that things will follow thru.
> 
> Thank you for your advice and reply


Hard times. Give because it is what you want to do and the right thing to do, not because you want or need anything in return.

Take joy in your children.

Pray if you believe or maybe even if you don't.

Watch the movie Fireproof by yourself. It is Christian but it has some good ideas about winning back the heart of a spouse.

You need to be a good and solid man regardless of others and that includes your wife.

Be a good man because it is what you want.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Icantgiveupyet said:


> And thats what im trying to do is to give her time, she even said give her time, i just want to know what to do while im giving her the “time” she wants


Better yourself, and don't look at it as a chore but a desire.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Icantgiveupyet said:


> See my post that led to my current situation and i hope that someone can give me an insight of how i can somewhat go thru it


Sir, the first thing is you recognize and owned is your 50% of the marriage has been lacking. It is not to say your wife's 50% maybe lacking as well. You both now recognize there is a serious problem.

It will take TIME to turn this around. Remember it took years to get your marriage to where it is. What you wife will be looking for is LASTING change. Not just the flavor of the week change and then back to what you were doing before the marriage finally fell through. 

What kind of change? Make you wife first in everything. Treat your marriage is you treated your relationship when you were dating. You should always date your wife. What did you do when dating? Movie, dinner, weekend trips? Keep at it and show lasting changes.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Icantgiveupyet said:


> And thats what im trying to do is to give her time, she even said give her time, i just want to know what to do while im giving her the “time” she wants


You spend your time with lasting positive changes. Your wife will recognize this. What kind of change? Be tentative. My wife wants hand holding, door opened and public display of affection(refer back to hand holding). Did you ask your wife what type of husband she desires?


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## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

Im doing that now, putting her needs ahead, its just tough because of her feelings of “being dead inside” and when says that i brake down


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Icantgiveupyet said:


> Im doing that now, putting her needs ahead, its just tough because of her feelings of “being dead inside” and when says that i brake down


Sir, I understand. I have been there. My wife was dead inside as well. 20 years of less than great husband I was. I just put my best foot forward and did not stop. If it did not work out for me I can at the very least say I did my very best to turn it around. I can assure you, this will take some time. Do not expect this to turn around in a week.


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## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

Thank you, im willing to put the time, right now it is still in early, i just miss the intimacy


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## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

Right now she doesnt want any physical intimacy like holding hands, but she does still allow me to hug her


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Icantgiveupyet said:


> And thats what im trying to do is to give her time, she even said give her time, i just want to know what to do while im giving her the “time” she wants


Learn how to put your kids' needs ahead of your own. Be that great 'dad' that kids brag about and wives are grateful for.

You're crafting a new marriage - make it one that will benefit everyone. Your wife's feelings weren't destroyed in a day and they won't be recovered in a day.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Icantgiveupyet said:


> Right now she doesnt want any physical intimacy like holding hands, but she does still allow me to hug her


It's a start. Did you ask you wife what she would like to see from you as far as a change?


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## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Icantgiveupyet said:
> 
> 
> > Right now she doesnt want any physical intimacy like holding hands, but she does still allow me to hug her
> ...


Not directly, but she keeps telling that as of right now she doesnt know how to feel, the term just dead inside


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## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

She also mention that she wants a loving environment for the kids, and right now that is her main priority


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Icantgiveupyet said:


> She also mention that she wants a loving environment for the kids, and right now that is her main priority





Icantgiveupyet said:


> Right now she doesnt want any physical intimacy like holding hands, but she does still allow me to hug her


If your wife is "allowing" you to hug her, this means the hug is entirely for you and not for her. If her entire issue with you is that you have been self-centered and not caring about her needs, which appears to be the case, you should not be trying to get anything from her. Marriage is supposed to be mutual. Mutual love, support, caring, responsibility, etc. If your marriage has not been mutual, no wonder your wife is upset with you.

The best thing you can do is to sit down and think about what a good man looks like and where you fall short. You need a balance, a mutuality, in your marriage. Don't go the other direction into being the only one doing the work, then you will be unbalanced in another way, which won't work for you or your wife. At this point, don't have expectations of your wife, but understand what you ought to be doing so that you are doing your fair share in the relationship. Ask your wife what she thinks that looks like to get her input as well. 

For example, you shouldn't go from doing no laundry to doing all the laundry. But if you haven't been doing any laundry, start now. If you haven't been caring for the children, start now. You don't need to measure exactly half, but you should be doing half of what it takes to keep your home running and meeting your spousal responsibilities. You should be taking care of all your own needs and not expecting someone else to do it. That includes making sure you are taking care of your physical needs like cleaning up after yourself. This may mean participating in making and cleaning up meals, or it may mean that you care for the children while your wife is cooking or visa versa. Do what works for both of you, which means communicating with your wife, so that both of you are having your needs met.

Are you exercising and eating properly? That's all part of personal responsibility. If your wife doesn't have an opportunity for this, you should work together so both of you get the time you need to take care of your personal needs for exercise and so forth. The idea is to work together to accomplish these things.

P.S. I think your wife might be having an affair. You might want to check the thread in surviving infidelity to see if she is doing the things that are listed as red flags.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Icantgiveupyet said:


> She also mention that she wants a loving environment for the kids, and right now that is her main priority


A loving environment will take two. Your wife realizes this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Icantgiveupyet said:


> Thank you, im willing to put the time, right now it is still in early, i just miss the intimacy


There are two books that I think would help you quite a bit in restructuring your relationship and rebuilding the passion in your relationship.

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order and do the work that they say to do. Then, once your wife is more receptive ask her to read them too. Then the two of you do the work they say to do together.

Many people have no idea how to nurture their relationship over the long term. These books will teach you and your wife this.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> There are two books that I think would help you quite a bit in restructuring your relationship and rebuilding the passion in your relationship.
> 
> "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order and do the work that they say to do. Then, once your wife is more receptive ask her to read them too. Then the two of you do the work they say to do together.
> 
> Many people have no idea how to nurture their relationship over the long term. These books will teach you and your wife this.


I would encourage you to do some reading on what makes a healthy relationship. The books that EleGirl posted are good. It takes two to make a healthy marriage and one person to tear it apart. Don't be the one tearing it apart. You said your wife told you she wants your children to grow up in a loving environment, tell her that you want to work together to make that happen, but it means everyone in the family has to be loving each other in order for that to happen and you are going to find out how to do that, but need her to work with you to make it happen.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

*Re: Looking for help, i cant give up on my marriage*

Sound like a Hammer Guy.

Anyways. Keep picking ip the slack and stuff and making her life easier. 

Then surprise her. Keep your mouth closed, arrange for a sitter and take her out on a date. Enjoy each other. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

A few things.
The first is to only focus on what is within your control: yourself. You can be a super dad. You can be the best husband you can be. You can make incremental improvements over a long time that will add up to big change over the long run. Don’t focus on grand gestures or flash in the pan things: these won’t stick and will just reinforce her suspicion that you haven’t actually changed at all. So focus on real, but gradual long term change.
Secondly, let go of her. You can’t ”win” her back. She’s not a prize or a trophy - she makes her own decisions. Be the best you that you can be, and accept her choice. You’re currently desperate and clingy... and that will drive her away. So just let go.
Lastly, I just don’t think living with her mother is a good idea. She lost her husband, she’s going through her own stuff, and this whole dynamic that you and your children are living in has to be having an influence. I think you need to plan to move out and have a family home on your own, even if nearby.


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## Icantgiveupyet (Mar 24, 2020)

Marduk said:


> A few things.
> The first is to only focus on what is within your control: yourself. You can be a super dad. You can be the best husband you can be. You can make incremental improvements over a long time that will add up to big change over the long run. Don’t focus on grand gestures or flash in the pan things: these won’t stick and will just reinforce her suspicion that you haven’t actually changed at all. So focus on real, but gradual long term change.
> Secondly, let go of her. You can’t ”win” her back. She’s not a prize or a trophy - she makes her own decisions. Be the best you that you can be, and accept her choice. You’re currently desperate and clingy... and that will drive her away. So just let go.
> Lastly, I just don’t think living with her mother is a good idea. She lost her husband, she’s going through her own stuff, and this whole dynamic that you and your children are living in has to be having an influence. I think you need to plan to move out and have a family home on your own, even if nearby.


I totally agree with you


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