# Cant orgasm with husband



## KB16 (Aug 15, 2016)

Ive been with my husband for 10 years. Long story short ive never orgasmed with him and its put a huge strain on our marriage. He wants tons of sex and sex just ist really interesting for me bc it doesnt do anything for me. 
I have used a vibe befor and i like it and it works but for some reason, im embarrased to use it in front of him. Idk know how he would react if i got off with the vibe. He actually doesnt even know that i use it when hes not around. Idk if he would get mad bc i need a toy to get me off and he cant do it for me or if he would be ecstatic and happy and wnat me to use it. Hes used it on me befor but i dont really like when he does it bc hes not the one with the clit so he doesnt know what feels good and if i tell him that hes not doing it right that makes him mad. Abd like i said im uncomfortable doing that in front of him. I know i shouldnt be. Hes my husbnad for crying outloud but i just feel so awkward using a toy in front of him. Like i said i guess maybe bc of fear that hell get mad that the toy works and he doesnt. Idk what to do. Sex is the single biggest thing that we fight about. If we had a bettersex life wed have a better marriage. I guess im looking for advice or soemthing.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I'm a dude, and obviously it's different, but orgasms are mental (at least with me). If sex isn't interesting to you with him, you probably aren't into him.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

KB16 said:


> I guess im looking for advice or soemthing.


Sex can become a culmination of all the aspects of our lives that need some personal development. In a relationship "trust and communication" are the foundation of which you build everything else.

If you are not comfortable enough to use a vibrator in front of your husband, then it sounds as if you need to work on "trust." 

There is also issues of low self confidence mixed in with that lack of trust, meaning that if you are only able to orgasm with a vibrator and you demonstrate this to your husband, do you "trust" that he will still love you or do you fear his ego will be hurt.

*Generally speaking men do not have problems what so ever with watching/sharing a moment for the wife to enjoy an orgasm! *

Good luck,
Badsanta


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

To fix this, I think you'll have to get over your reluctance to include the vibe during sex. You will have to SHOW him how to use it to achieve the results you desire - he's not going to know without instructions for a while, but eventually he'll get the hang of it. It's a small risk that he'll be upset that you use it, but well worth it if things improve - which I think is likely. The alternative is that nothing changes, and then it will be your choice to accept things as they are. Change is within your power - if you want it.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Does he do any foreplay? I find that I can get women off with my fingers far easier than my penis. If I spend a good long time getting her off first before penetration there's less pressure to be a circus performer.


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## KB16 (Aug 15, 2016)

He loves going down there! Hes not the problem. Its me i guess. Idk if its a mental issue or whats wrong


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

My G/F is the same way. It's a mental issue. Only way she O's is with a vibrator or she stimulates herself while I'm in her. I don't have an issue with her using the vibrator while I'm doing my thing, we both get off and she's happy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You would probably benefit from going to a sex therapist. It sounds like you need help figuring this out. More help than a forum on the internet can give you.

Is he aware that you do not orgasm?

Have you ever tried to help him learn how to get you to an orgasm? If so, how receptive is he to this?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think perhaps you are underestimating your husband.

If I knew it wasn't me and you were frustrated, I would definitely invite a vibrator into the bedroom. Even if I knew it WAS me, that perhaps gee, I need to work on this technique or that technique, and I wasn't batting 1000, well, I would STILL welcome the vibrator. I know one woman who needs it. . .it could be Don Juan with $1,000,000 on a Sunday night with a house sparkling clean and kids in bed and she just CAN"T orgasm any other way. So what are she and her husband supposed to do? Pack it in? No, they bring the vibrator in and guess what he told me? He appreciates it!!!

Everyone has too much pressure on them in this circumstance. For crimminey's sake, bring the vibrator in and get off.

Sex is supposed to be fun, not a test, competition.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Many men would love to know more about how to please their partner, and a awful lot would really enjoy watching their partners orgasm with a vibrator.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You would probably benefit from going to a sex therapist. It sounds like you need help figuring this out. More help than a forum on the internet can give you.
> 
> Is he aware that you do not orgasm?
> 
> Have you ever tried to help him learn how to get you to an orgasm? If so, how receptive is he to this?


Excellent advice. 
I couldn't orgasm in front of my husband until recently thanks to the help of my sex therapist. 
It takes building your own self confidence & self esteem. 
Starting by believing that you are beautiful and that your husband finds you attractive. 
Once you can believe it, trust me you will not believe how enjoyable sex will become for you & your husband. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Different women enjoy different things, so its vital that they let their partner know what works for *them*. I think the majority of men are happy to hear specifics. "That isn't working" doesn't help much. 

It can always be framed as "I'd really like you to try..." rather than "you are doing it wrong...".


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So nobody is going to address the fact that her hb gets mad if she tells him how she wants the vibe used?

That suggests a dynamic where his feelings are sensitive and not hurting them is more important then her being able to open up.

If you get butt hurt when your wife tries to communicate what she wants she's not going to want sex with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Sex can become a culmination of all the aspects of our lives that need some personal development. In a relationship "trust and communication" are the foundation of which you build everything else.
> 
> If you are not comfortable enough to use a vibrator in front of your husband, then it sounds as if you need to work on "trust."
> 
> ...


Right on Badsanta. 10/10


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sorry, missed that part of the post.

OP, was he mad at your asking for something different or do you think he felt like you were complaining / criticizing? 






lifeistooshort said:


> So nobody is going to address the fact that her hb gets mad if she tells him how she wants the vibe used?
> 
> That suggests a dynamic where his feelings are sensitive and not hurting them is more important then her being able to open up.
> 
> ...


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## KB16 (Aug 15, 2016)

I would say he feels like im criticizing and thats what upsets him.


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## KB16 (Aug 15, 2016)

And he is very sensitive to this kind of stuff bc tbis has been an ongoing issue for years. 
Im starting therapy for other things this week actually, not a sex therapist just a regular one, and i am eventually going to bring this topic up. Maybe not in so much detail. I dont know if regular therapists can help with this kind of stuff or not but since im going im going to see what she says.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

YOU need to teach him how to finish you off. Have you brought up the sex toy thing before? If he doesn't know you have a vibrator tell him you were reading something online or on Facebook about a woman using a vibrator along with her man and how it really intrigued you. Then, YOU need to teach him what gets you off. Communication is a HUGE part of being able to enjoy each other sexually. I always ask my wife what she likes and I play close attention to her responses whenever I do anything. I also read up on being a better lover. Why? Well, it's 2-fold. I want her to feel like she's never felt before and I also want more sex so the more she enjoys it the better for both of us.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Have you asked him how you can communicate what you like without him taking it as a criticism?

You're not going to be able to have a fulfilling sex life with him if you can't talk to him about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

IF you feel awkward sharing this problem with your therapist..... then show him/her this post. It will open up a conversation....which is what you need. 

Another idea.... IF you think H is offended by your vibe idea, rethink. Guys are supposedly more visual. IF you are up to it, put on a show for him. It can be awkward at first, I get that..... but it also can be enlightening! It's kind of awkward to even go into detail about HOW....but, if you are turned on by the idea of sex with your H, or the possibility that this could work, then its worth a shot. I THINK, if you "get yours", and he sees it, and if the visual really does it for him... then the best case scenario is that you keep doing this and you both get off on it and it really ramps up your sex life. The worst case scenario is that you feel too embarassed (or whatever) to do this, or to do this more than once, and it ends up flopping. Or that he doesn't "get it" (btdt) and you are no worse off than you were anyway. 

Good luck. You are not alone..... it's sooooooooooooo frustrating when he gets his and can't figure out how to make it mutually awesome.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

KB16 said:


> I have used a vibe befor and i like it and it works but for some reason, im embarrased to use it in front of him. Idk know how he would react if i got off with the vibe. He actually doesnt even know that i use it when hes not around. *Idk if he would get mad bc i need a toy to get me off and he cant* do it for me or if he would be ecstatic and happy and wnat me to use it. *Hes used it on me befor but i dont really like when he does it bc hes not the one with the clit so he doesnt know what feels good and if i tell him that hes not doing it right that makes him mad.* Abd like i said im uncomfortable doing that in front of him. I know i shouldnt be. Hes my husbnad for crying outloud but i just feel so awkward using a toy in front of him. *Like i said i guess maybe bc of fear that hell get mad that the toy works and he doesnt*. Idk what to do. Sex is the single biggest thing that we fight about. If we had a bettersex life wed have a better marriage. I guess im looking for advice or soemthing.



My husband doesn't like sex toys, has never seen me use them, and threw out one of them that he found.

He takes it as a personal affront, and sees it as him being replaced. I'm not going to go into why I felt I had to get them, or our entire sexual history. I do orgasm with him, when we have sex.


But he won't do the toy thing, he is super offended.

So not all guys find this to be a turn on.

The trouble is that you enjoy it, and are worried that if you share your enjoyment of it with him; he will get upset, angry, resentful of you.

I would say that since he's used it on you before; he doesn't have a problem with toys per se; what he would have a problem with, is you telling him how to use it.

My husband would be the same way. Any suggestion is seen as criticism. I understand your reluctance.

So, do you work around this somehow? Or, do you work through it, and risk the possible unpleasant consequences.

Your marriage has been weakened by you not O'ing with him for 10 years. Do you think it is strong enough for him to work with you on this?

I'm mostly offering sympathy; just nodding my head and saying "yep, I've BTDT".

One possibility, have the lights down low (so you don't feel SO exposed), then just tell him you'd like him to watch you use it; it's a fantasy of yours. Be really horny when you do this, with a lot of tension built up in your body. That, plus the fact that you know the vibe works, should make it much easier to O with him watching you. IOW, don't do this if you masturbated up to a couple of days before trying this.

And, if he tries to use it on you, and his technique isn't working; you could try to use "I" statements in order to get him to cooperate. Like, you *never* say "You aren't using the right amount of pressure, sweetheart". Instead you say, "It might be *just me*, but for whatever reason I can't take it too hard right on top of my clit, I kinda need it more to the left--could you please do it that way, I love to watch you use it on me, you look so sexy."<<< your version of this.


Yes it's walking on eggshells, yes it would be nice if you could make a direct statement-----but, boy, do I understand how sometimes that is not possible.

You orgasm just fine. You're afraid of your husband's disapproval and unpleasantness because you don't get off together.

Just checking; he's not a violent or nasty guy, right? He's a good guy who gets his feelings hurt by this issue. Crazy jealous, sicko type guys could possibly get really mean over this kind of stuff. I wouldn't want you to do anything that could put you in an ugly situation.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Sex involves so many emotions, it can be hard to bring things up as you don't want to do more damage than good. So I can completely understand your apprehension. 

One thing that I am learning in my marriage was that I just assumed that because my husband was a good looking single guy that had done a lot of dating, he knew how to please a woman. He kept telling me he was ultimately inexperienced, but I wasn't really hearing him.

Finally, I started to direct him in a very playful way while we were messing around. We also talked about it outside of bed. He listened, and he is learning! We still have a long way to go...but I venture to bet that for the most part, your hubby would want to know what would get you off, rather than to continue on this current path.

Take the approach very softly. If you would rather talk about it before hand over during, I would say something lighthearted like "I've been thinking about sex a lot lately" (insert goofy eyebrow wiggle at him here). "But seriously babe, I thought of a few things we can try/read about a few things that might get me working right." Then describe what things you want to try.

Ok, so yes, we here know it's not you that isn't working right. Who cares. By using this phrasing you take all the pressure off that could be construed as criticism. It's a win win. Also, when he does something that feels great, tell him so, and show him with your breathing, moaning etc.

Get ready to have a lot of fun!


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

KB16 said:


> He loves going down there! Hes not the problem. Its me i guess. Idk if its a mental issue or whats wrong


letting go and just being absorbed in the moment is a big part of getting to the orgasm. mental focus on whats happening etc blocks it. thus being self-conscious is a major o-block


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Herschel said:


> I'm a dude, and obviously it's different, but orgasms are mental (at least with me). If sex isn't interesting to you with him, you probably aren't into him.


I think it is different for guys. Mental can definitely stop you from orgasming but I am similar to he OP and I am not uptight about sex (I don't think!) but never orgasm from human stimulation, though I still really love having sex and it feels great. 

But other girlfriends describe getting themselves off with their own hand. LOLOL, I tried that a few times - yeah, that got me _*nowhere*_.

Recently I got a new gynecologist and she mentioned to me that my clitoris is 1/3 average size. I thought - well, that explains so much...

OP - maybe you can ask your OBGYN about it, maybe you have a similar situation and if your H knows it's something physical about your body, not his skills, he might be more open to the idea.

Or you might try an approach like tell him that you have a fantasy of stimulating yourself with a vibrator while he gives it to you from behind. Just a little experiment you'd like to try.... (That way he's part of it and you're facing away, not laying there on display.) Or even if he used the vibrator on you, you could kind of guide it with your hand.

The fact that he gets mad at you that he's not magically pleasing you instead of saying "hey show me what feels good" might also have to do with why your sex life is not great.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

KB16 said:


> He loves going down there! Hes not the problem. Its me i guess. Idk if its a mental issue or whats wrong


Just because he loves doing it doesn't mean he's doing it right.

And since you're not allowed to *tell* him or show how to do it right because his precious ego won't be able to withstand it, it's been 10 long years of mediocre sex at best.

It kind of sounds as though he's managed to make YOU feel like the inferior one and that this is all YOUR problem because it couldn't POSSIBLY be that *he's *not the stud he thinks he is.

He wouldn't be the first one one who thought he was God's gift to women who actually didn't know sh*t about how to please a woman.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Touchy, isn't he?

When my wife suggested ass smacking, I said, "How hard?"



KB16 said:


> I would say he feels like im criticizing and thats what upsets him.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

When2Leave said:


> YOU need to teach him how to finish you off.


Do you mean something like: Back, Forwards, Back, Forwards, Forwards Harder, Square, Circle, Forwards, Forwards?










While this is just a joke @KB16 honestly this is sometimes how it can feel to a guy to learn how to make a woman orgasm. A sequence of moves that has to be "learned" and not something that will just happen naturally. 

When I was in college I was probably very rough when stimulating my first girlfriends manually, just as they were with my penis. They would grab it with a death grip and tug on it in a way that felt like they were honestly trying to give me an "indian burn" as opposed to something pleasurable. It is not always obvious that "less is more" until someone takes the patience to show you and sometimes even demonstrate.

Imagine having to rub your fingertip directly on the cornea of your eyeball. What pressure would you use to do this if you had to do it for an extended period of time? OK, now try applying that amount of pressure to your husband's frenulum and see what happens! He will probably get so excited that he will think you turned into a dragon and ripped him apart with so much pleasure that it was enough to knock him completely out of his mind. Or maybe not, but wouldn't you want him to show you? You have to do the same for him. It is NOT obvious.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Might help to discuss this outside the bedroom, not when you are having sex. Might help to raise the issue in the context of "I read in an article in Cosmo" or "some girlfriends got drunk and told me she likes it when her husband" rather than discussing it in terms of you and him.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Find lots of articles that talk about using a vibe during sex or using a vibe on your partner (in a way that sounds like would work for you) and book mark them. Now make a new email address, something that sounds spammy but also interesting. Start sending him links or parts of the articles in emails every few days. Don't forget to add an attention grabbing subject line.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

KB16 said:


> He loves going down there! Hes not the problem. Its me i guess. Idk if its a mental issue or whats wrong


There's a "Catch-22" that lots of women run in to that goes like this: they don't orgasm from penetration and they don't get much oral SO they turn to a vibrator. They use it and have great orgasms every time. Of course she would like to have orgasms with her guy so they start doing more oral and it feels wonderful but she just can't quite get off from it regularly and that's frustrating. That starts to become a mental thing but she can always get off when she plugs in "old faithful". The catch? Using a vibrator can desensitize your clit making it even more difficult to orgasm from oral or anything else for that matter. 

Everyone deserves a good orgasm on a regular basis. If you are determined that you want to orgasm with your husband then you are going to have to bring it into "play" in your bed. My wife uses it while we are in doggy position and doing it either vaginally or anally with explosive results either way. It took a while for us to get the angles & overall technique down but it was way worth it. After a couple years of doing it this way she stopped using it during sex because it was a distraction at some level. She enjoyed the penetration and more than that loved it when I would get a little rough and toss her around the bed during intercourse. We couldn't do that while she held a vibrator on her clit and the energetic play we enjoyed was more important to her. She would still use her magic wand in private quite often (she gets self-conscious if I watch). I encourage her to use it often because it is simply good for her libido. 

It's just one guys story but I hope this helps.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

KB16 said:


> Idk if he would get mad bc i need a toy to get me off and he cant do it for me or if he would be ecstatic and happy and wnat me to use it. Hes used it on me befor but i dont really like when he does it bc hes not the one with the clit so he doesnt know what feels good and if i tell him that hes not doing it right that makes him mad. Abd like i said im uncomfortable doing that in front of him. I know i shouldnt be.


How you present it will make a difference. Can you tell him that you would like a have a special spicy night together this weekend that includes lingerie and playing with a vibe?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hi KB,

I went 18 years before having an orgasm with my DH. Like you are saying, sex became an activity where I would be the woman I thought he wanted in bed. And over time this kills a person inside. Sure sex is pleasurable even without an orgasm - but not fulfilling in the way it is with an orgasm. 

Is your DH plainly aware that you are not having orgasms when you have sex with him? 

I ask because mine was not. It was very obvious to me of course but not to him. Later he would say he assumed all was well because I didn't complain. I was getting myself off with a vibe pretty much daily for years. He didn't know about it and, like you are saying, I didn't want to bring it into sex with him, he seemed put off when I would suggest it. 

And really if he assumed I was getting off with his penis in a few minutes consistently every time then why want to change up what works? 

And so I was very stuck between wanting to have a real grown up sex life but not wanting to have to ruin his male ego to get it. But eventually I reached a point where I just could not do it any longer! 

It took over 2 years for my DH to find out what worked to get me off. For a long period of time I got myself off when we had sex. Vibrator or manual stimulation. It did take some time to become comfortable with that. But I was 100% orgasm to sex ratio that way. And I completely stopped caring if he liked it or not. We reached an impasse at one point where I would not allow PIV until I'd had an orgasm. I'd give it to myself if necessary but I was no longer going to provide my body for him to get off on without my orgasm being as important as his. (Because during that time he had taken the attitude of - you are difficult to get off so I will get my orgasm and call it a day. That wasn't working for me.)

And at a point he hit the right combination or oral and manual stimulation and I started having orgasms and he developed an interest in giving them to me. 

I will never have an orgasm PIV. Many/most women won't. If we could - we would have been having orgasms the same frequency that men do. Don't let anyone tell you that will happen if you relax or relieve yourself of some mental block. I feel it's a matter of where the clitoris is placed in relation to the vagina. Is the clitoris isn't catching any stimulation from penetration - it's not happening. 

You said you feel embarrassed having an orgasm in front of your husband. There a whole part of you he's never seen or experienced. I think men can fall anywhere between really wanting to give a woman an orgasm no matter how long it takes to learn - to at least understanding it's only fair that a woman gets hers too. My DH was more on that side. He would have liked to not have that responsibility introduced into our sex life but admitted it at least was fair.

So I did not have the ideal circumstances to learn to have orgasms when I had sex with DH. And yet in time it did work out for me. But not without honestly and both of us sexually growing up, not having having high school sex anymore but real grown up sex where you talk about sex and be a woman that insists on real sexual intimacy and knowledge, not just a quick bang before bed.


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