# Midlife crisis or affair?



## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

My husband asked for a separation at the end of an extended illness (a month and a half). During that time he would not touch me or would look disgusted if I mentioned how ill I felt (even though he would ask). It started with bronchitis and he would roll his eyes when I would have coughing spasms.

He has done things that seem like a midlife crisis, and others that seem like there is another woman, and with being out of work so long I do not have the money to hire a PI.

He has changed his passwords to Facebook and email accounts. We have always kept these open. He knows mine and I know his. He has also deleted all private messages from his face book account prior to 3 weeks ago. I was able to get into all of these using his tablet, but cannot access archived messages without being able to log into it from the computer. There is nothing telling other than missing messages and changed passwords, and he always has his phone on him. I cannot get to it to check text messages and it is his own account.

Half the time he is checked out with our special needs kids and half of The time he is really invested. He almost bought a brand new vehicle because it reminded him of his recently deceased father. I said nothing until he threatened to buy it and default in all his other credit. I explained they would go into collections and then they could garner his wages thereby making it difficult for him to pay child support.

He has suddenly started going out to the bar every week. He never wanted to do things like this before, and blames me for why he never went out even though I have begged him to go places in the past.

Some of this screams midlife crisis, and some strongly suggests an affair and I can't figure out if I should try to figure out if he is cheating or not. I am not sure if it would change anything or just make me angry. 

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

He is having an affair. Guilty people don't hide things. If he has asked for a separation, it means he is in pretty deep. Maybe the woman is at the bar. I see lots of red flags in your post. He is using your illness to distance himself. He is also rewriting the marital history.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Do I want to get evidence? Do I care enough? Will it change things? I've begun distancing myself since this all started, but I can't decide if I even want proof. 

I'm not sure how to go about it with by little income anyway. We are living in the same house until I can find housing, but in separate rooms. Neither of us can afford to live in this house alone, so he is moving closer to his job (his sister is setting him up with housing) and I am moving closer to mine and my kids' doctors. Well, as soon as I can find a place, which is proving difficult.

I guess the fear is an std. DoI need evidence of an affair to find out if he's given me one? Not really, just go get tested, since he is the only guy I've ever been with sexually. If I have one, he gave it to me.not that I want one though. Should I just get tested and move in with my life? Or should I try and find evidence of the affair?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

So are you definitely getting a divorce? I can't understand why you would want to dig for evidence of an affair unless you live in a fault state. 

You do need to get tested for your own medical safety.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I honestly don't know what status my state is. We are definitely separating, and right now I feel there is no reconciliation. I have known he wanted out for three weeks and there has been a lot going on with my kids so I haven't even begun to research anything other than housing regarding separations and divorce. He does not seem interested in anything but blame, and I'm tired of that game.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It certainly looks like there's another person in the picture doesn't it? 

Don't let him off the hook with the fabled "midlife crisis". In my opinion it's a catchphrase that means "I just wanna take care of me and F you". Is that a crisis? It is for you but it's nothing but selfishness and a sense of entitlement for him. Life is hard sometimes. Running away from it isn't the solution. 

Get a lawyer tomorrow morning. Let him know your husband is abandoning his family and is being irresponsible with family finances. 

It's hardball time. Forget about gathering evidence for now. You have a real crisis. Get a handle on the family finances. If there is any money in the bank take hold of at least half of it. But see a lawyer immediately. You can probably get a free 1 hr consultation from most law offices. Look in the phone book or search on the internet for low cost legal support. 

Place a call to any women's support group in your area and see if they have access to temporary services for you and your children. Check with local parishes and let them know you need help. 

And do get that STI test. You need to be in good health to find your way through this mess. Don't cook or clean for him. Let him fend for himself. 

After you are settled in and you have the time - check around and see if you can find the other person. But place the welfare of your kids and yourself first.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

part of me feel alike if it is "just a midlife crisis" (aka stupid selfish phase) I don't want to take him for all he is, but if he is cheating, he deserves to be hit with everything I can hit him with. 

Then I waiver. 

Then I go back to not wanting alimony and only child support if he is faithful, but if he's not going for alimony as well. 

When I am in those moments, I wonder if I should seek evidence now before we are separated. 

I know I will not consider reconciliation before he attends IC, but that's all I know for sure right now. I feel undecided about everything except taking care of the kids.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Oh, and I suspect if it is, that I know who it is as she has actively pursued him in the past. They work together, and I flat t asked him how hard she has been pursuing him lately, last week. He made a grossed out face and said he can't stand her, anymore.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

He is breaking up your family. Get angry.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Do you know if he is actually at the bar? He could be lying about where he is going.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

As long as he thinks he can walk all over you. HE WILL. 

How old are you guys? Your kids? 

If you think you know who it is - that's probably who it is! His denials should be ignored. In fact the more adamant the denial - the bigger the lie he is trying to hide. Can you put a VAR in his car? That will give you some information in as little as a few days. 

Voice activated recorders (VARs) are not that expensive. Put it under the front seat of his car and secure firmly with velcro straps for easy removal. Do you think you can do this?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I don't know if I can afford one is the problem, but I have considered one. I have so many medical bills and am trying to get the money together for a security deposit for a new apartment. 

If I do this, how long do I leave it in the car before attempting to retrieve it? Are there legal implications to recording him without his knowledge? 

I have never dealt with this before. We were college sweethearts. June would have made 17 years married. Three children, 12, 9 and 5. He works with kids with autism. Out boys were both just diagnosed with a high functioning autism spectrum disorder.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> As long as he thinks he can walk all over you. HE WILL.


AMEN! 

Please don't take offense, but based on the tone of your posts, do you view yourself as a doormat? In other words, do you just go along with what he says just to avoid conflict? Does he bully you? Are you overly nice to keep people from thinking badly of you? I know I was a bad doormat. My husband took advantage of that.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I don't know the laws in your state. Generally there are laws against doing this. So any information gathered that way usually is illegal too. 

HOWEVER - you need to weigh that issue against what you suspect. And it is unlikely that you will ever be prosecuted if discovered. If your husband is violent or has been physically abusive to you don't do this. If not then I would do it. Just never let him know how you found out whatever you find out. 

It's a sad situation that you can't afford a $50 recorder but he is willing to spend lavishly on a new set of wheels. Start applying the 180 and go dark on him. Let him wonder what you're up to instead of you following him around and begging for attention.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

BFGuru said:


> I don't know if I can afford one is the problem, but I have considered one. I have so many medical bills and am trying to get the money together for a security deposit for a new apartment.
> 
> If I do this, how long do I leave it in the car before attempting to retrieve it? Are there legal implications to recording him without his knowledge?
> 
> I have never dealt with this before. We were college sweethearts. June would have made 17 years married. Three children, 12, 9 and 5. He works with kids with autism. Out boys were both just diagnosed with a high functioning Austin's spectrum disorder.


Record him for your piece of mind. 17 years is a long time to just allow him to walk away like he is going out for McDonald's. Find the money. Let a medical bill slide. He is going out to the bar and most likely blowing money on his woman. Is he worried about the medical bills? NO!


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

BFGuru said:


> We are living in the same house until I can find housing, but in separate rooms. Neither of us can afford to live in this house alone, so he is moving closer to his job (his sister is setting him up with housing) and I am moving closer to mine and my kids' doctors. Well, as soon as I can find a place, which is proving difficult.


At this point you need to be making decisions based on your own best interests, as well as those of your child. Emotions will cloud your judgement, including what you've said about not asking for alimony. Alimony is not a punishment. Ensuring that your child is not adversely affected by your husband's choice isn't a punishment. His choices have consequences for both of you, and he needs to own them. His choice is going to create a significant financial burden for you, and not only in terms of your child's needs. Giving up alimony will put you at a significant disadvantage financially. Think carefully and rationally before taking it off of the table.

Assuming you haven't understated your part in this crisis, then don't give your husband free passes. You shouldn't be vengeful or spiteful, but you should ask for what you are entitled to in order to look out for your child and your own best interests. When you talk to that lawyer, if you are a stay at home mom, or there is a big difference in his income relative to yours then ask what you are entitled to. Ask your lawyer what your chances are of having your soon-to-be-ex continue paying the mortgage to minimize the impact on your special needs child. If he's leaving you then IMHO yes he should move out, but he has no right to expect that you give up your home and disrupt your special needs child's living environment just because he wants out of the marriage.

Discovering what a divorce will cost him may give him some incentive to work on your marriage.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> AMEN!
> 
> Please don't take offense, but based on the tone of your posts, do you view yourself as a doormat? In other words, do you just go along with what he says just to avoid conflict? Does he bully you? Are you overly nice to keep people from thinking badly of you? I know I was a bad doormat. My husband took advantage of that.


Um...ouch. But yes? I don't like to look at myself that way, but our arguments generally end with me determining to be a better wife. Last year I became so upset that I allowed him to make me feel like the kids would even be better off without me. I spent a good 24 hours contemplating offing myself so the kids would get my life insurance policy, and then I woke up, and determined I would never let him make me feel that way again.

I like to see myself as strong, and get angry at women that allow themselves to stay in Abusive relationships, but am recently realizing, I've allowed some amount of mental abuse as well. He claims recently, I have done the same. Then I rationalize it and say my life isn't as bad as other people because he has never hit me. 

Yes I know it's stupid, but it's the mental games I play with myself that I am trying to break. 

I was hoping to avoid lawyer fees, but maybe I will look into a free consult. I do wish I could afford a PI, but obviously that is not an option.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> ... if you are a stay at home mom, or there is a big difference in his income relative to yours then ask what you are entitled to. * Ask your lawyer what your chances are of having your soon-to-be-ex continue paying the mortgage to minimize the impact on your special needs child.* If he's leaving you then IMHO yes he should move out, but he has no right to expect that you give up your home and disrupt your special needs child's living environment just because he wants out of the marriage....


It's one thing for you to accept the pain he is causing you. But you have an obligation to your special needs kids. Their well-being is now totally in your hands. If he needs to get a second job to fulfill his *destiny* with someone else then he needs to step up and get a pizza delivery job or a job at a car wash. 

Stick up for them if not for yourself.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

BFGuru said:


> Um...ouch. But yes? I don't like to look at myself that way, but our arguments generally end with me determining to be a better wife. Last year I became so upset that I allowed him to make me feel like the kids would even be better off without me. I spent a good 24 hours contemplating offing myself so the kids would get my life insurance policy, and then I woke up, and determined I would never let him make me feel that way again.
> 
> I like to see myself as strong, and get angry at women that allow themselves to stay in Abusive relationships, but am recently realizing, I've allowed some amount of mental abuse as well. He claims recently, I have done the same. Then I rationalize it and say my life isn't as bad as other people because he has never hit me.
> 
> ...


Get the VAR. It is cheaper than a PI and the voice recording will allow you to really see what kind of person he is and his true intentions. It may be what you need to get you motivated to fight for what you and your kids deserve. He looks like he just wants to walk away and brush his palms. Don't let him.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

pplwatching said:


> At this point you need to be making decisions based on your own best interests, as well as those of your child. Emotions will cloud your judgement, including what you've said about not asking for alimony. Alimony is not a punishment. Ensuring that your child is not adversely affected by your husband's choice isn't a punishment. His choices have consequences for both of you, and he needs to own them. His choice is going to create a significant financial burden for you, and not only in terms of your child's needs. Giving up alimony will put you at a significant disadvantage financially. Think carefully and rationally before taking it off of the table.
> 
> Assuming you haven't understated your part in this crisis, then don't give your husband free passes. You shouldn't be vengeful or spiteful, but you should ask for what you are entitled to in order to look out for your child and your own best interests. When you talk to that lawyer, if you are a stay at home mom, or there is a big difference in his income relative to yours then ask what you are entitled to. Ask your lawyer what your chances are of having your soon-to-be-ex continue paying the mortgage to minimize the impact on your special needs child. If he's leaving you then IMHO yes he should move out, but he has no right to expect that you give up your home and disrupt your special needs child's living environment just because he wants out of the marriage.
> 
> Discovering what a divorce will cost him may give him some incentive to work on your marriage.


I am fine moving. We do not have a mortgage, but the house is huge and the heating is almost 2k a month in the winter. My real issue for being fine moving is getting somewhere the boys can get the services they need. I have fought for years to get them help, but nothing services our area. Six months ago we discussed moving closer to their doctors. He looked for a new job for 2 weeks then determined he would not find reasonable employment there. 

My reason for not going after alimony is simply because, if I take him for every dime, he will be strapped with caring for the kids when he does have them. Right now the plan is he has them on weekends, when I work (I put in enough hours on weekends to manage full time status in three days). I will have them during the week when he is working. 

I don't want the kids to suffer, regardless of which parent they are with. But it's tempting to think, if there is an affair, to go for full custody. With their medical needs I could. But I feel kids need their fathers in their lives so I waiver ... Again.

Yes I know I'm all sorts of indecisive. I am trying to work through it all.

I THINK I have been doing some aspects of 180. I don't tend to talk unless spoken to. Or if it involves the kids. 

Yesterday he walked into the restroom while I was bathing and I felt the intense need to cover myself as he asked about work and why it was so stressful (I was over an hour late that day due to multiple incident reports). I gave him the basic answers to his questions without divulging any of the emotional aspects of the night at work (I work in a hospital). 

I don't ask him about his night at the bar. I don't ask for time away from the kids. I just store it up and detained that I will use it if I decide to go for full custody. I cook for me and the children, and if he wants to eat fine. Otherwise, I don't go out of my way to accommodate his paleo diet. Yes, he has recently startd working out as well. 

I need to read further on the 180. I think it will become my way of protecting myself.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

He left his laptop home for the first time in forever today. I of course logged on figuring he had saved all his passwords and he did.

I could not remember his gmail username, and could not access that. 

I checked archived Facebook messages and found nothing. I checked yahoo mail, which is what he normally uses for everything. 

I looked in sent, conversations, deleted messages, all of it and only found a text message image to him from someone telling him basically not to worry, someone will snatch him up quickly. And a conversation one line from someone back in October saying "Karly said you thought I was pretty, if that's true I think you're beautiful too". However, not sure that is trustworthy since he did not respond and there are a bunch of one line spam messages also.

The text message image would almost indicate there is not one and he is worried about finding someone again. It is more recent. 

Facebook is recommending he like divorce attorneys, so I guess he has been googling those. 

Really nothing else was telling. I guess I have to look into a lawyer for real now.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

So, tonight I tried to look at his phone. I went into the room he was sleeping in and did not have long before tiny feet were behind me asking to climb in with daddy. But I checked the table. I figured it would be by his wallet, but it isn't. I scanned the room and I cannot see it. He uses it as an alarm clock, so I scanned the area around his head. I can only think he has it on his person, which does not bode well for me.

Friday I get paid. I think I will buy a VAR then. I don't have access to heavy duty Velcro. Hopefully duct tape will do the trick. 

Part of me wants to find something so I can wipe my hands of this mess. The other part doesn't want to know.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So very sorry your going through this. Keep plugging away.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I was intentionally out late after the competition I judge to it so he would be in a hard sleep by the time I got home. 

I installed it with duct tape because I couldn't find any strong Velcro. It is cold here. I hope it stays. Not cold enough to snow tonight, but cold, none the less. There was little room under the seat and it is installed near the front. I am terrified he will find it.

Now to figure out how long to leave it there and if the battery will last until Thursday night when he allegedly goes to the bar with coworkers.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Today I got a phone call from my best friend letting me know husbeast had just changed his status to single. We are still living in the same house. He also called our landlord telling him we would be out in a week. I just got into the apartment yesterday and haven't started packing let alone started doing any of the repairs the property needs before we move out. In a hurry much? 

As of tonight, my mother said he is listed as separated....again...can't wait can he? I am waiting for him to get home so I can retrieve the VAR. it is almost 1:00 a.m. This does not look well. He is allegedly bar hopping with his sister.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

He did not come home until 7:30...just to shower. 

I grabbed the VAR then. Do I confront him on staying out all night?

I am listening to the VAR when he leaves for work.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

BFGuru said:


> He did not come home until 7:30...just to shower.
> 
> I grabbed the VAR then. Do I confront him on staying out all night?
> 
> I am listening to the VAR when he leaves for work.


I wouldn't "confront" him until you have actual proof of an affair.

Especially since he seems to be telling the world he's single anyway and it doesn't look like he's hiding it from mutual friends who I'm sure he knew would get back to you. I don't think confronting him about being out all night in itself would accomplish much. He's either going to lie about what he was doing or say you're overreacting. And if you don't have proof to back up your accusations you can't call him out on lying anyway.

I'd get the evidence, THEN confront, don't let him know you have evidence at the start just make the accusation and see how he tries to explain away/lie/justify about what is going on with him. THEN tell him what details you already know (but don't reveal how you got them).


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Battery dead on VAR. I hope it didn't erase everything. Can't find more now, so will have to wait until I leave for dr appt. 

Bank statement has some suspicious charges. Not sure what to do with that.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

This post has something that might get you on the comp

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-i-up-leave-my-wife-high-dry.html#post1489351


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Ok I hear mumbles on this like he is talking but cannot make out what he is saying over the radio.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

This last weekend I moved, without his help. He had the children for the first weekend. I stood in the middle of my apartment looking at the boxes when my help finally left. It was too quiet. I just had to leave. I couldn't stomach being without my kids. I called a friend and went to her house. Her kids were awake and her son has the same name as mine. I stayed until about 2:00 am. Then came home and passed out.

Monday he called, saying he was running late. I hadn't slept all night because I worked that night. He pitched a fit that I suggested he come to me as previously planned.

I finally caved because he was yelling saying things like "this is why we are not together anymore.." In front of the kids.

I arrived at our rendezvous and was buckling seat belts when my daughter gasped "mommy, mommy! Daddy's new friend is soooooo cool! Look she did my nails! She's like a professional! She played Wii with me and I beat her in dance revolution!" 

They are enamoured with her.

I asked later "so, how long did daddy's friend stay over." And she replied "that's confidential information." And ran away giggling. She is 12. 

I still have not be able to clean up the VAR to hear anything he is saying. The kids believe she is just a friend. I want to throttle him for bringing his ***** over to play house all weekend.

I am broke. Completely broke. I have five dollars until payday and my daughter is outgrowing her bras. He has offered to take her bra shopping if the friend comes along. No way in hades is his mistress seeing my daughter's breasts.

I am not even sure what to do from here. I am playing stupid, but he is saying things that make it sound like he is going to go for full custody of the kids.

I don't even know how to confront. If this is evidence enough or if he will just deny, deny, deny.

He couldn't even wait a week before introducing her to my kids.

This is so wrong that they are MY children and yet, I have no say in who he chooses to raise them with.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

So this week, I pick the kids up...two weeks out..barely...really only a week has passed and my son says "oh daddy's friend spent the night two nights ago"

I am seething. 

Do I get to confront this now? 

VAR or not? Can I confront it? How do I confront it? I always have children with me. 

How can he flaunt her in front of MY children? How can he get away with this? We just separated and he is playing house with her and my kids? How is this not confusing to them? He has said enough to them that they don't even like being at my place already and I haven't even finished unpacking. 

Why, why, WHY does he get away with this? And what can even be done? He has left me with nothing basically, other than 400 dollars less a month than what the state says he should be giving in child support. And he gets to prance HER around in front of my kids.

I want to confront her.

I want to tell them both they should know better than to confuse children like this. They are child behaviorists. This is no better than what the place that conspired to fire him did with him and me (as I volunteered there). Why does he not see how sh!tty his actions are?

I am shaking. 

On top of it all, my daughter is upset now that I was not invited to family Easter dinner with his family. 

I hate this. 

I can't cry right now. I can't because my boys are here and they will see me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Haven't you talked to an attorney? You can get an order to keep her away from your children until the divorce is final.

You can also get him into court to get child support.

Why no attorney. Stop being adoor mat.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I have no. None. Zilch. Nada. I have a few coins in my wallet. That is all I have right now. I cannot get a lawyer and cannot afford one with what I make. There is a five month wait list for legal aide. I feel so freaking trapped right now. And no one seems to have any help. I just hope my food makes it to payday right now.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The first cosultation should be free. They still may be able to help.
Do you live in the states?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Yes. I live in Pa, but all the ones I have called require at least 100 for a consult. I found one free 30 minute consult but if I pursue things they want a 500 dollar retaining fee plus 200 and hour. How does one afford that?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There should be help for you. Have you checked out social services?
In our area , the court will appoint an attorney in child support situations.
If nothing else, check with your county attorney.


Did your husband find a new place too?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

There is a five month wait for legal aide. He did find a new place. Neither can afford to live there alone. Why can't he just be honest with me? Why the **** is he still lying about it? Does he think we are all stupid?

Unless you are talking about something else that I don't know about?


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

A total pain, but you can file your own petition at the court house. Call the clerk's office and tell them your situation...either they (clerk) will help you complete the forms and/or will know of a local aid, social service, etc... that could help. That's how I filed an emergency order of protection in a time crunch and couldn't wait for my atty. i am in IL though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Excuse me while I go throw up and emotionally shut down for a few hours. I just can't even think straight at the moment.


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