# Heartbroken, keep hitting rock bottom after hubby left



## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

The man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with walked out on me last week. I am heartbroke. The day after he went was awful. I begged him to come home. He won’t go for counselling. His mind is made up. It’s over. I have had an awful week trying to get my head around it. Mainly the fact that he has given up and isn’t prepared to fight for our marriage. A lot of things have happened in our relationship and I know it couldn’t keep going as it was but to give up on me is heartbreaking.

I have known for months that he isn’t happy and have asked him but each time he has said it’s fine, we will be fine but it seems he was just biding his time to get out. 

I have, and I am ashamed to admit this, been so reliant on him. I am currently signed off work with anxiety / depression and I know this has taken it’s toll on both of us. I have relied on him so much and it has made me feel pathetic and needy. I am pathetic and needy. That also hurts. That he knows how ill I am, how dependent I am on him yet he went anyway. It hurts but I do think he has done the best thing for both of us. I just wish I hadn’t taken the fact we got married that we would be able to work through anything as obviously marriage isn’t unbreakable. I have been far too wrapped up in my illness instead of getting better and bettering our relationship. We had stopped communicating. I had started to get irritable as I knew he was lying to me but he said everything would be okay so when he finally said he’d had enough and he’d felt like this for a while it made me feel a little relieved that I wasn’t imagining it.

I had been so worried that he would leave me for someone else. He had cheated on me a few years ago, he had a one night stand with a work colleague. That destroyed my trust in him and we’ve not got it back. As I’ve been ill I knew I was becoming less and less attractive to him so the fear just came back even more. I do suspect he may have someone else but although he has done it before I do think it was a one off as it was so out of character for him. I can see how much I have been pushing him away and he has given up. He is a good man he just doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

Last night I had a really bad night but this has to stop. I have to get better. I have to move on. Hard as it is.

He has moved the majority of his things out and I now need to seek financial advice about whether I can keep my home.  I have two adult children from a previous relationship who he wants to keep in touch with and has made plans to see them since he left. 

The last few texts we have sent have been amicable. Although last night someone saw pictures of him on facebook of him out on Friday night and that brought out lots of feelings of hurt, anger, upset. I didn’t message him but wanted to. I felt desperate. I hate feeling like this. I just hope that it will pass soon. Time is a great healer but time seems to have stood still for me of late.

I guess I just wanted to vent. I don’t know if the divorce buster books are the right book for me as he’s made his mind up and as each day passes I know he will not want to come back to me. I certainly wouldn’t.

I need to get me back. Whoever me is. I lost her a long time ago. I went from a very controlled violent relationship where I was so independent, I had to be, my ex did nothing for me or the kids to someone who was the total opposite. Nice as can be, would literally do anything for me. I have relied on him so much I have lost sense of my purpose. My friends think he has smothered me and become my security blanket. I have relied on him whilst being ill. No doubt it has made him miserable to. Oh I wish I had seen this before he left, and done something about it.

I just have so many emotions. It’s hard to switch them off. I know my anxiety is not helping. I need to concentrate on getting well, getting back to work and hopefully everything else will slot into place.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Sorry I have posted in the wrong area, can this be moved??


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Sorry to hear about your breakup. I know sometimes it's hard to force yourself to stop taking from someone who is willing to give so much. I think sometimes we forget to give back to those who are so generous and selfless. I think sometimes men find it really hard to communicate their needs. He may have been doing lots of things for you and you may have been reliant on him, but he did do the wrong thing previously in your relationship. I myself find it difficult to express my needs to my wife, because I just can't be bothered any more. Take as much support from m family and friends and don't beat yourself up. You can get through this, and I wish you the best.
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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You stated you were depressed with anxiety. I hope you are in counseling for this, and that you will also address the separation and its impact on you.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I start CBT on Friday, I just hope I can get there. I have panic attacks driving anywhere out of my comfort zone which has got smaller and smaller and I have been so reliant on him. I will get a taxi though if need be as I need to get better and get some control back. I think once I am getting that I will see about counselling for myself as I obviously have a lot of issues that have continued to follow me and I know they have contributed to spoiling this relationship. I just wish I had realised how much damage I was doing and I wish he had said something instead of just brushing it all aside til he'd just had enough and walked.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Sorry to hear about your plight. I have been through it myself. I am still cleaning up the lingering pockets of resistance to the changes I needed to make. All I can say is to feel your pain, embrace it. Look where it is coming from because it will tell you what you need to fix. I have been told that it will get better. I am not all the way there by any stretch of the imagination. But it has been a year for me and when I look back it is amazing how far I have come from where I was then and where you are now. You are not alone. Know this - pain is neccessary for growth. You are going to feel pain, so why not enjoy the growth that it provides? Read through the various forums and you will see dozens if not hundreds of similar stories. Pick a few that are most similar to your story. Then follow those posters as they progress through recovery. You will find hope to move forward and inspiration to move on.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I think for the past week I have been holding on to some hope that maybe he will come back but yesterday I realised that he has left me when he knows how much I rely on him so he must really hate me to do it to me now. He isn't coming back. I wouldn't go back if it was a choice between a needy wife and freedom.

I needed the realisation but wow it hurts. I am glad I found this forum though as I hope to draw some strength from it and hopefully be able to look back at my own journey and see positive steps.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> I think for the past week I have been holding on to some hope that maybe he will come back but yesterday I realised that he has left me when he knows how much I rely on him so he must really hate me to do it to me now. He isn't coming back. I wouldn't go back if it was a choice between a needy wife and freedom.
> 
> I needed the realisation but wow it hurts. I am glad I found this forum though as I hope to draw some strength from it and hopefully be able to look back at my own journey and see positive steps.


Don't jump to conclusions about somebody's motives. Because right now your thoughts about this will not be accurate. They are tainted with your illness.

He left.

Maybe he left because he felt himself slipping into depression and needed to protect himself, maybe he left because he wanted a single life, maybe maybe maybe.

See you honestly don't know his whys. Right now try to focus on you and your journey to a healthier life.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I jump to conclusions automatically as he never opened up to me about anything. 

We also have a high amount of debt. We have shared debt from overspending and I maxed out the credit cards as I hadn't closed them. No wonder we are were we are! He said he would stand by me but since I told him he has gone more and more distant from me. 

On a positive I have contacted a debt agency, should have done that ages ago. Unfortunately they have no appointments til the end of the month but that will give me time to start getting myself on track so I can deal with this properly.

I don't want to sell the house as I bought it before I met him but I think the right thing to do is to sell so I can pay off our joint loan and the mortgage and he can start afresh whilst I sort my debts out.

Just reading about our relationship is making me wonder why he didn't leave ages ago.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

As much as it hurts now, in the long run you will be better off without him.

I know, because I've been there, more than once.

The sun will shine on you someday, hopefully sooner than later.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your post is all about you - how he did this to you, how could he do this to you when you rely on him so much.

What about his suffering? Do you know how HARD it is to live with a depressed person? Let alone an anxious and depressed person? You admitted yourself that you've not done much to try to you get yourself better. Your husband likely reached his limit and it came down to self preservation.

I understand that you are ill, I've been depressed myself - to the point that I had planned my own suicide...after the end of an extremely abusive relationship. I was in a hole so dark, so black I never thought I'd get out. But I did. No one can do this for you, only you can do this.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Do you have any anti anxiety medication? I suffered from anxiety attacks for basically my whole life, but had no idea thats what it was until I landed in the hospital a few years ago, twice in 24 hours, for a panic attack. I have since had a prescription to anti anxiety medication and its really been life changing for me. Just knowing I Have something that can help, has really helped, I have less anxiety in general now. I think if you already have anxiety attacks, during a time like this it will be an important thing to help you function. It really does take the edge off. You will have to figure out what dosage works for you so you can still be functional, I take 1/8-1/4 of a 1mg pill, but I start out with 1/8th.


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## cvd (Aug 20, 2015)

Right now you're very depressed and that makes it hard to see what's really going on. As I read your posts I keep wondering if inside yourself you knew he wasn't to be trusted and knowing this made your depression/anxiety worse. Yes, it sounds like at times he was kind and comforting but wait a minute...he also cheated on you not so long ago. That doesn't sound like a very good husband to me. Your depression/anxiety became a convenient excuse for him to leave. And somehow I don't think he was really trying that hard to help you get better. The financial issue is a different story. You both are at fault here and major credit debt can erode any marriage. I think this may have been the final blow to your marriage. Please get counseling. It will help. Medication will too. It will take time but I agree with other posts that this is an opportunity for you to grow...to become the person you want to be. It hurts like hell while you're going through it...this is true for everyone...but if you put your mind to it and get professional help you will be okay. It just takes time. Don't keep beating yourself up and taking all the blame --- he is at fault too for things falling apart.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> The man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with walked out on me last week. I am heartbroke. The day after he went was awful. I begged him to come home. He won’t go for counselling. His mind is made up. It’s over. I have had an awful week trying to get my head around it. Mainly the fact that he has given up and isn’t prepared to fight for our marriage. A lot of things have happened in our relationship and I know it couldn’t keep going as it was but to give up on me is heartbreaking.
> 
> I have known for months that he isn’t happy and have asked him but each time he has said it’s fine, we will be fine but it seems he was just biding his time to get out.
> 
> ...


I'm very sorry to hear that this is taking its toll on you. You're not alone - many of us have been there, or are going through it right now.

I wanted to point out what you wrote here: *"It hurts but I do think he has done the best thing for both of us."*

Hold on to this idea. Yes it hurts - a lot - but it IS good for both of you. Do you want to live the rest of your life so reliant on someone else that they can literally either build up or destroy your self-confidence? 

Please use this very critical time to focus on your own health and well-being. When you're feeling low, ask yourself, "If I was my own best friend, what would I say right now?" Over time, it will help you to build supportive, positive thoughts. And that will help you build a supportive, positive life.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

He might have been the source of your anxiety and depression. IDK DUDE


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Thank you everyone for your comments. It helps to hear what others think that aren't so close to me. My closest friends all think he smothered me but I let him. Yes I know how difficult my illness is - I have asked him over and over if he wants to walk and he has always told me he loves me and that he will be there for me and the kids but it was obviously just a cover and it got too much. It is a shame he didn't say something as we could have worked at our relationship, then again I do wonder if it was doomed anyway as so much has gone wrong although when it is good, it is really good.

I go back to work next week so hoping that will help me get on track and help me get focussed. I am still so upset although it is mainly in the evenings and when I go to bed.

I walked into the supermarket today and our wedding song was playing, typical as I had planned to have a very strong day and ended up in tears. I have never heard our song played in a public place before today. Great timing :/


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He smothered you, and you became codependent. Which is MILES away from the INDEPENDENT person you once were.

Your friends are likely correct. Though it may not seem like it now, getting away from him is probably the best thing in the long run. You need to find YOURSELF, apart from him.

He cheated on you. That's a big fat no-no. And now YOU are feeling guilty for needing him? Nope. He's conveniently blaming the split on your neediness, when in reality, he chose to be unfaithful to you.

Codependence. Read about it. Learn about it. And break free from the bonds of it.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> Thank you everyone for your comments. It helps to hear what others think that aren't so close to me. My closest friends all think he smothered me but I let him. Yes I know how difficult my illness is - I have asked him over and over if he wants to walk and he has always told me he loves me and that he will be there for me and the kids but it was obviously just a cover and it got too much. It is a shame he didn't say something as we could have worked at our relationship, then again I do wonder if it was doomed anyway as so much has gone wrong although when it is good, it is really good.
> 
> I go back to work next week so hoping that will help me get on track and help me get focussed. I am still so upset although it is mainly in the evenings and when I go to bed.
> 
> I walked into the supermarket today and our wedding song was playing, typical as I had planned to have a very strong day and ended up in tears. I have never heard our song played in a public place before today. Great timing :/


You will have reminders of your "togetherness", and sometimes, it will hurt so much you'll cry. That's OK! I remember during my separation, I was in the mall one day just window shopping. I had bought a coffee and as I sat down, I just started to cry. Tears were flowing right there in public - and you know what - I let it. Because at the end of the day, my body physically needed to mourn the loss of my husband and marriage. It is healing.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I bumped into him yesterday. Wow that was weird. He looks different. He doesn't look like the man I have been married to. The conversation was weird, clinical and matter of fact. He asked how I was and how the house was going - I had agreed to gut the house and put it on the market asap. I have now told him I am seeking legal advice and I don't want to rush into selling / renting etc. I need to concentrate on getting well and seeking all my options before rushing into anything. I have done nothing but think of him ever since. I went to my CBT appointment yesterday and drove there with no panic attacks. Amazing how a broken heart can take your mind of your anxieties! Back at work next week. 

Need to look forward but I do miss him and part of me still hopes we can work though this but deep down I know too much has happened and we are two different people to when we first met. Just typing this has made me realise it can't ever go back to how it was but I think I am now mourning what we could have had. In my CBT session yesterday I opened up and for the first time I can see how my violent relationship with my ex has affected me. Time to get that sorted. I know how good me and my husband could have been but it's tainted now and no going back


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> You will have reminders of your "togetherness", and sometimes, it will hurt so much you'll cry. That's OK! I remember during my separation, I was in the mall one day just window shopping. I had bought a coffee and as I sat down, I just started to cry. Tears were flowing right there in public - and you know what - I let it. Because at the end of the day, my body physically needed to mourn the loss of my husband and marriage. It is healing.


I am hoping this miserableness doesn't linger. I am trying not to think of him but something sets it off and then I miss him again. It is early days though so keeping busy and getting back to work should help. I know time is the healer but in between it hurts.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

weak man...


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Hardly any sleep again last night. I think I'm getting somewhere then I just feel miserable again. I dreamt about him last night and that I found the evidence that he has been seeing someone at work. I woke up furious. Went onto our joint phone account and can see that he had rung the particular team this woman works in twice over the last week and automatically put 2 and 2 together and assume that he is ringing her and they are carrying on. They work at the same place so the call could be to anyone but it is her department so my imagination is going haywire. I have texted him this morning asking for his forwarding address because I am going to file for divorce myself using 'adultery'. What is wrong with me. I have no hard evidence just my suspicions over the last 6 - 9 months as he's been different and she went from liking and commenting on everything he was posting on social media to nothing after I pulled him on her messaging him privately when she was on an night out. I feel so stupid, one for believing his crap all this time and secondly for texting him this morning. He has replied asking who he is supposedly committing adultery with. So now I'm reading into that. Why can't I just let go. I'm making myself worse  I had a really low day yesterday. Felt so run down and anxious. I'm back at work tomorrow and dreading it as I feel so tearful and down. Fed up.


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

Well he rang her again last night. He's definately moved on. This hurts. 

I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow about my rights. I want to get a separation / divorce agreement set up and then I am going to cut him off completely. 

Why is it so easy for them to just shut us off and move on. I know I had my problems but what about our vows?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> Hardly any sleep again last night. I think I'm getting somewhere then I just feel miserable again. I dreamt about him last night and that I found the evidence that he has been seeing someone at work. I woke up furious. Went onto our joint phone account and can see that he had rung the particular team this woman works in twice over the last week and automatically put 2 and 2 together and assume that he is ringing her and they are carrying on. They work at the same place so the call could be to anyone but it is her department so my imagination is going haywire. I have texted him this morning asking for his forwarding address because I am going to file for divorce myself using 'adultery'. What is wrong with me. I have no hard evidence just my suspicions over the last 6 - 9 months as he's been different and she went from liking and commenting on everything he was posting on social media to nothing after I pulled him on her messaging him privately when she was on an night out. I feel so stupid, one for believing his crap all this time and secondly for texting him this morning. He has replied asking who he is supposedly committing adultery with. So now I'm reading into that. Why can't I just let go. I'm making myself worse  I had a really low day yesterday. Felt so run down and anxious. I'm back at work tomorrow and dreading it as I feel so tearful and down. Fed up.


This whole process is very painful, but please keep some things in mind.

As long as you are still married to him, your feelings of mistrust and dread will not go away, simply because you mistrust him and dread that he will continue seeing another woman. Although separating him is very painful, it is in your best interest. You are protecting yourself.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Good to see that you are getting legal advice.

I also hope you get some counseling to help with the pain.

Sorry that you are going thru this mess. 

Keep doing something for yourself each day. Are you adult children close by? Any family or friends that can help you to keep moving forward and offer comfort?


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## Whenwillthepainend (Sep 1, 2015)

I'm lucky that my adult children live with me and my friends and family are being fantastic support. They are all so worried about me. I am meeting him on Tuesday to let him know the outcome of the legal advice and then it's time for me to set the ball rolling and move on. Hard as it will be 

I have posted over in the going through divorce section so will keep updating over there. Hate that I am in that forum!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Whenwillthepainend said:


> Why is it so easy for them to just shut us off and move on. I know I had my problems but what about our vows?


It's always easier to put your focus anywhere but on where the problems actually are. Because a focus away is usually an escape or easy way to "forget" the problems exist.

What you need to do is concentrate on YOUR issues, work on yourself, and stop caring what he does. He is not your responsibility anymore, he fired you from that job, and now you're going to work on your resume a lot so that you can be learned and ready for your next job.


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