# She had an online affair



## thomas79 (Jan 16, 2018)

Hi,

I'm new here and just looking for some advice.

Long story short I have been married for nearly 17 years, 3 kids etc etc. I've worked incredibly hard and fortunately have a good, albeit stressful, job.

Our marriage has been difficult over the years. My wife suffers from a number of mental issues meaning that things have been tough (depression, OCD, bipolar, anxiety and hypochondria). It's been verbally abusive and for long periods of time; loveless. This isn't her fault, rather she is unable to show a lot and has walls of steel around her. She had a horrible childhood too. 

I hit a wall about a year ago and spiralled into depression and became suicidal as a result. A lot was going on in my life and I essentially felt responsible for everything. Not having someone reciprocate for such a long time eventually bursts something in your psyche. I lost all of my self-worth and my self esteem plummeted. 

Thankfully with the help of some meds and an amazing therapist I got back on track, slowly rebuilding but more importantly was able to see the reality of things in my life. BTW I had little to no support from my wife during this time, in fact she made it worse. Every time I cried ( not something I have done before) I'd get called things like pathetic or "shell of a man". Luckily I had some great work friends who were very supportive. I had essentially sacrificed everything for this women, with little return. I had no local friends or hobbies. I made lists of my needs and found them to fall short time and time again. 

Enough of that.

It resulted in me being more assertive, not taking disrespect and making sure she knew how I felt. We started marriage counselling, but that lasted 4 session before she gave up stating that it was all a waste of time. Of course the counsellor focussed a lot of time and effort on her, since she had so many issues.

Fast forward to December. After several rows and heated arguments she came back from a friend and said she wasn't sure if she loved me or wanted me. At that point I left the house, only to be begged to come home. 

She quickly realised (apparently) that she did want me and me leaving scared her. Now, and not to be subjective, but my wife hasn't worked for nearly 11 years. She hasn't had to as we have been in a fortunate position. She has freedom to do whatever she wants in the week, as long as the kids get to school etc. To quote her during marriage counselling "I don't want to change as I am happy with my life".

We decided at that point to try again and she did make some effort over xmas, which in fairness was nice.

Now into 2018. I was away on business for 2 days last Monday and Tuesday, I might add that I have a herniated disk in my back at the moment which makes travel tough but the bills need paying. I got a call from her on Tuesday stating that she had done something really bad and needed help.

So to the main part of the post, apologies for the long beginning but I had to add context. Essentially my wife had been having an online affair on Instagram. I had commented on her Instagram profile before xmas, as it felt very "single". Lots of selfies, no mention of me even when we where out together etc etc. 

I put it all down to a midlife crisis, she is 40 this year.

So a man started communicating with her and she engaged in conversation over a 2 month period. It started out friendly but quickly escalated to sexual and intimate, resulting in the sharing of explicit photos and dialogue. This ended when she blocked him the day we jointly decided to start afresh.

Here's the clincher. It turned out to be a ruse, a criminal operation. At the end of December the said person, using 2 accounts, started requesting money in exchange for silence. This escalated as he started posting my wife's photo's online and threatening to tell and share this with me. So of course she had to come clean, she had no choice. I had to sit there with the police and look at every photo of this woman I called my wife, intimate things when intimacy has been scarce in my own marriage. All with a stranger.

Now things are in turmoil. Clearly she is saying sorry, saying she wants me etc etc. I have told her she needs professional help, for herself and the kids. 

I have no idea what to do. Half my life has been wrapped up with this woman, whom I still love (be that right or wrong I don't know). In addition to having 3 great kids in the mix as well.

I know it was online but it feels as real as a physical thing, due to the degree of intimacy involved, plus the fact that it was a complete stranger. In addition the photo wasn't even an attractive man. I'm 6ft5, and fairly handsome. I'm not being egotistical but really??? After all I have been through and done for her?

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. All I here from others is "leave her" but I wish it were that simple.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

thomas79 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm new here and just looking for some advice.
> 
> ...


Reference the bolded...as long as you continue to use her conditions to absolve her of responsibility...and love yourself enough to only accept better...nothing even has the opportunity to change.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She commits to a) ongoing therapy for herself, b) ongoing counseling for the two of you, and c) 100% transparency in all things — _and_ gives up ALL social media, now and forever — or you divorce.

I know you feel that this is a complex issue, but you need to make it just that simple for her.

Oh, and it’s her fault.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

So, there's no current danger from her EA sexter, right? His blackmail scheme was to show you what she was up to - but now you know so his power is gone. Has she ever cheated on you before this? She's bored, has a comfortable lifestyle, and decided to get a chat account and make friends. Someone showed a sexual interest in her and it was exciting. It doesn't matter that he wasn't a beefcake like you - He was different, and interested, and new. 

Stepping back from this blackmail/EA issue - Do you still want to continue your marriage with this damaged woman? Who won't go to counselling with you? If not then this incident is great for your divorce case. But if you do want to keep working on it with her, then figure out how to use this. She never met the guy, right? So it was just a fantasy, make believe affair. What if you start sending her sexy texts on your lunch breaks? Give her that excitement and build up, but with a stud that can actually give her the physical too (without all the damage an actual affair would bring). Maybe you could sext her up for a couple days, not saying anything about it at home at night, then invite her to meet you at a hotel mid-day for a trist. She can live the secret but in a safe fun way with you.

Or not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that your conditions for staying need to be that she gets long term therapy for herself and long term marriage counselling. Her behaviour must be really messing up the children as well as yourself, and unless you give her this strict ultimatum she may never change. 
She is clearly afraid of being left alone, so make it clear that you will only stay if she does what you ask. Hopefully she will then agree to what you ask.
As for the online affair, its up to you and whether you can trust her again. Again, make sure she knows that if this ever happens again you will leave. 
There has to be consequences to her actions.

BTW I have heard men whose wives ranged in age form 30-55 blame their behaviour on a 'midlife crisis' . I suppose its an easy thing to blame it on, but its nonsense in my view.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

It would be different if there was some kind of maturity or decency about your wife. It's just not there. She's had multiple chances to get help or help you, and instead emasculated and belittled you. She was planning on continuing this EA forever. But she got caught at it and was forced to come clean. She didn't stop of her own volition. God knows how many other EAs she's been involved in. And sure, when she sees the potential for losing her cushy unemployed lifestyle of EAs, she becomes desperate to save things. She shows willingness to go to therapy--therapy which will just be a sham of her pretend participation. If she does go to therapy, have it done by a professional who is capable of diagnosing BPD.

I know you say it's just not that simple to leave her, but you need to leave her.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

What is that saying? Idle Hands Are The Devil's Playground? In addition to all of the suggestions upthread, the kids are in school, so she needs to get a J-O-B.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Sounds like a lot of work to me.....and for what?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> What is that saying? Idle Hands Are The Devil's Playground? In addition to all of the suggestions upthread, the kids are in school, so she needs to get a J-O-B.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is a tough one.
Hard enough to chew, harder yet to digest.

What do you want out of this?

If.
If you forgive her and want to reconcile?


You should want these things:

Transparency forever, no more hiding of anything, including feelings...good or bad or sad feelings.
Warmth and kindness 'most' of the time.
Honesty moving forward.

You should 'expect' her to open her heart everyday. To show some love.
You should 'expect' her to open her thighs two or three times a week. Willingly, gladly, hopefully.

Considering her past, her present mind, this is a big if.

You should write out these demands. Get her to sign the paper.

Not for legal reasons. 
No, for her to know that this is what she needs to do. 
No later can she say, "You never said that".

Or, and I hope not, for you to say, "I gave you a chance to make your' wrong right".

If she fails, and she likely will, then you can say, 

"I gave you a chance to make your' wrong right". 
"You failed." 
"you did not do right. And know this is the reason, that I am leaving."
"We are done, 
"This is the reason that I have left". 


Now, I made a jingle out of your plight, her plot. Sorry.
Likely, the pennies and dimes and nickles in your pocket will also jingle.
When you are forced to begrudgingly, heavy-hardheartedly.
Likely, heavy footedly walk out.

Likely, I hope not.

She has had a lifetime of despair. A lifetime to become set in her ways. This behavior is not one that can easily be changed. It simply is not, nope.

On the OM, the online perp. 
He coerced her. He smooth talked her. In order for the conversation to continue,. 
In order to feel, to get his verbal emoticons she had to expose her hurts.
She had to expose her body.

She was hurting, has been hurting. He was salve on her wounds; a way out; a respite. 
She flashed her privates. Exposed herself to a man. 
I suspect, likely know, her privates remain cold. 
She did what she needed to do. To fan the flames of this, now, embarrassing todo.

Oh, I expect her to try, to attempt to turn this around.
It is her motive for doing so that would bother me the most.
She would, will, likely be doing this for fear, for saving *face, not for love.

And her privates? That warm fold rarely exposed to you and your touch?
Her privates, yet still, remain cold, rarely used. Her cerebral master allowing this, these, to wither, yet, still, away. 
A shame this be. Used only to pee.

And I need not remind Thee, her face is red with embarrassment, with the police being involved.

Yikes, oh boy.

Who else is aware of this?

Just Sayin',

SCM


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

There's a lot of issues here sadly, a mountain of things to come back from, on her side. Her insults are projection from a bad self reflection, she may not even realize all of it but man, she has so many issues inside her, none of this will be fixed unless SHE gets help.

There's a lot of work to be done if you guys are to stay together and a lot of deal breakers I suppose if the appropriate answer is a hard yes or no. Before anything, I would ask this and then go from there.

1. Honestly, is she a good mother? If the answer is a hard yes, then I would say it's safe to proceed to the other next question or set of yes or no's. If it's a hard no, then geez-o-pete, I'm afraid there's not enough here to even try to save and/or be worth it. If it's a iffy yes or no, then that would be pretty telling as well. 

My kids are my life and my wife being a good mother when she was engaged with them and not in her affair or wondering if she was better off alone was enough for me to look paste all of her treatment and indiscretions. Unfortunately, even though I had tried, I learned the hard way that no matter how many books and online programs I subscribed to, YOU CANNOT save the marriage alone.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife had an affair, a one day stand, and I kept her. We went on to wild and crazy things.

And my wife is crazy. Certified by two psychiatrists as a pathological liar, with no hope for a cure.

But we cope, and I don't get the feeling my wife has malice, and I do get the feeling she does love me.

You have to decide if your wife loves you. From the read so far I don't see that. She has pushed you away intentionally at times. It just seems very negative on the whole. You are the only one who can decide.

My wife works very hard to prove to me she really does love me, every day, day after day. She has been through years of therapy, and some of it helped. My wife told me about the affair, and she may have been able to hide it. She begged me to forgive her, on her knees, crying and pleading. She has never wavered in her absolute commitment to work hard every day to do everything in her power, within the limits of her capabilities, to show me she loves me.

Your wife told you only because she got caught. It feels like she would have to really work hard to make you think she actually loves you. Will she commit herself to your every whim, making sure any wish you desire is fulfilled without a single hesitation, for the rest of her life? She should, if she really thinks you should believe she loves you. 

Since you asked me, that's what I think. She has torn your soul. Mending that is a monumental task.

That's what I get out of Mary. It has been 39 years since Mary had her affair. She never wavers from her dedication to prove herself every day. Certainly many other issues swirl around the affair, like her mental illness, but the fact remains Mary is committed to making our relationship stronger with real actions that I see and experience all the time. If you get that from your wife, maybe, just maybe, it can work.

Don't believe anything your wife says. Actions are the only thing that matter.

Be well, somehow.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

By the way, her getting a job is a nice suggestion I guess, but I think with where her head is at just now it is likely she would have a Physical Affair with a co-worker soon after starting work.

She needs to figure out why she needs attention from another man, and fix that.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, your wife is a wreck! She's a horrible partner & a cheater. You're better off without her as a wife. Your children will be allright w/ some counselling if you divorced. She is abusive & have exposed you & your children to the internet scandalous photos of her naked self. Imagine when your children & their friends see these. You need to let go! Save yourself & your children. Sorry you are here.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You need good therapy for yourself going forward. I presume your wife was sexually abused as a child. Or some other terrible traumas. Anyhow, she is a Survivor, and you are what is called a Secondary Survivor. A Secondary is a close family member of the victim. Their abuse is being passed on to you. It is not intentional on her part, meaning she is likely not wanting to be abusive. But, she doesn't know better due to her childhood being so messed up. She didn't learn normally as you did about life, relationships, sexuality, parenting.

You are the boiled frog, where you don't see how dysfunctional your marriage is. You probably see your position frequently as being a buffer between her and the kids, to protect the kids. Perhaps you absorb her abuse so she won't unleash on the kids.

Furthermore, you are probably a kind person. You care about her welfare. You remember the person she was when you were dating. You don't want to add to her burdens or to inflict distress.

These are all classic for Secondaries. Chances are you are a bit of a Nice Guy, meaning you are too Nice. You subjugate your happiness too much for others. The therapy you've had sounds like it has addressed some of your behaviors, but I am concerned that it also addresses the issues of being a Secondary. Specifically that you can have great sympathy for her and simultaneously find her behavior unacceptable. Perhaps unacceptable to the point of divorce, even though that would be a hardship for her.

I think all of these are actually the issues, rather than the online affair and the pictures she sent. Those are just symptoms of really big underlying problems.

She does need good therapy. However, she is not going to become a different person. She will hopefully make some changes, but she has to want to seek therapy and she has to do the hard work. And it will be very hard work for her. You cannot do this for her. You cannot be her therapist! In fact, you probably can't materially participate in her therapy. This is a tough process for her, and it will be for you, too.

My xw is a victim of CSA. 30+ years of marriage to her messed me up. I really struggled with not wanting to be yet another person who caused her pain, yet I had to take care of myself too. I am still sad for the little girl who lost her happy future, but I know that the adult woman made a lot of bad choices. Despite your W's childhood, she is an adult who is fully responsible for her actions. Don't give her a pass on her affair. Do require her to seek therapy, and do require consistent observable changes in her behaviors.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

First, she has to go to an inpatient psych program. Following adequate assessments and medications, you should have the discussion that her behavior is actionable, and her conditions are no excuse. I am unconvinced that a job would solve anything, her current state suggests that she'd likely have inappropriate behaviors around other employees.

What you have to determine is whether you can live with her. You said in your post that she said things to the OM that she hasn't said to you. This is akin to doing sex acts with an AP that she would never do with you. You may think that reconciliation is preferable, but given her history, you may be better off without her.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Thor said:


> My xw is a victim of CSA. 30+ years of marriage to her messed me up. I really struggled with not wanting to be yet another person who caused her pain, yet I had to take care of myself too. I am still sad for the little girl who lost her happy future, but I know that the adult woman made a lot of bad choices. Despite your W's childhood, she is an adult who is fully responsible for her actions. Don't give her a pass on her affair. Do require her to seek therapy, and do require consistent observable changes in her behaviors.


To the OP. This post has a lot of "ring of truth" to it.

In my case I am not a very nice guy. For years I added to the abuse my wife suffered, in fact. Then finally I forced her to go to therapy. She wouldn't talk at first, I heard. Then she did. She was passed from therapist to therapist, rapidly moving to more qualified shrinks, finally to one who specialized in hypnotherapy after her first diagnosis.

Yes, my wife has some horrific traumas in her childhood. The Childhood Sexual Assault which started at the age of 9 was considered the tip of the iceberg. She suffered deeper traumas they couldn't discover until after another 7 years of therapy.

But I kept my broken child.

Shall we toss all the damaged souls onto the scrap heap? The scrap heap would be a mountain so huge we could not fathom the size of it. 

As for the children, Mary loves them, and they love Mary. Her broken wings don't matter to them. They are very resilient. 

What matters is do you think your wife actually loves you. Only you can answer that. Her actions. Only feel her actions. Never listen to her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SAH spouses do this a lot. I believe in their mind they turn the working spouse into a parent. Make her get a job at the very least if you divorce her it will be more fair.

I agree with the in patient idea. If you want to stay but being married to a person with mental illness especially when the illness cause infidelity is really hard. It's your life.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I agree with the others that you need a long-term plan and that plan should be for the health of yourself and your children. That is your desired outcome.

It is in your children's best interest if their mother is healthy and functioning, so she gets serious help and stays committed to it.

For your part, you get healthy for you. Follow the 180 and detach. Start a workout regimen that will accommodate your back issues. Cultivate healthy friendships outside the office and home.

Spend time with your children alone. Plan trips with them. Detach from your WW, who may be troubled, but is also spoiled and entitled. Ideally, she gets a job, but not in lieu of therapy.

Compared to your WW you are the healthy one, but believe me, years with her makes you only comparatively 'the healthy one.' You haven't been making healthy choices for a very long time.

180. Detach. Take care of yourself and your kids. Do this systematically and for the long term. She gets help, but past that, you are not responsible for her.

Give the plan some time and revisit when you are stronger and more independent.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

WilliamM said:


> But I kept my broken child.
> 
> Shall we toss all the damaged souls onto the scrap heap? The scrap heap would be a mountain so huge we could not fathom the size of it.


When that broken child keeps cutting the air line from the scuba tank while you're under water, yes you have to save yourself first. 

Some people are willing and able to work hard to overcome their particular issues, while others are not. Depending on their level of dysfunction and what kind of efforts they're willing to make, sometimes the wise choice is to leave the relationship. Sometimes it is better for the children to break up the family.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> What is that saying? Idle Hands Are The Devil's Playground? In addition to all of the suggestions upthread, the kids are in school, so she needs to get a J-O-B.


So who looks after them in the long holidays? How about when they are ill? Who does the washing, cleaning, hovering, shopping, ironing, cooking, etc etc etc when she has to go to work?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> So who looks after them in the long holidays? How about when they are ill? Who does the washing, cleaning, hovering, shopping, ironing, cooking, etc etc etc when she has to go to work?



I am not saying this with any ill intent or offense intended, but this is not the 1950s. Every single one of my married female friends has a job. A career, even. Along with their husbands. They have scores of kids amongst all of them and they make it work. They tag team chores and child duties. The parents work as a team. 

Although I am not a parent, I know it can be done by witnessing first-hand my friends and their lives. It is certainly not easy. But it can be done.

Why couldn't she get a flexible part-time job?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

There is some positive here. She came clean. She came to you for help. She's not getting all whack an blaming you. I think you should accept this as a mistake and work on how to move forward together. I think that needs a few things to work. First, you have to be able to forgive her and not forever hold this against her. Second, you need clear boundaries and a higher level of transparency. Even though she's the offending party, you should both live with the same boundaries and transparency rules or it will breed resentment. Finally, she needs to find healthy fulfillment and self esteem. That might be a job. It might be volunteer work. It might be rededicating herself to being an incredible mother and spouse. Whatever direction she takes, focus on making sure that her emotional needs are being met.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

This marriage may in fact be salvageable, but in order for it to work, your wife must respect you and your feelings. Medications and counseling may be required for your wife, whether she thinks she needs them or not. Your depression and her response to it is sad to read. No spouse should treat their partner that way. She should have concern over your well being, just as you should have the same for her. Her lack of empathy is likely tied to her mental well being. She needs to address that as soon as possible.

Do not excuse the affair as a product of her mental state. She has to own what she did and figure out why she did it. Hopefully, having her pictures shown to the police and having them out on the internet will be a huge slap in the face (symbolic) for her.

I do recommend that you see an attorney and understand what a divorce would look like for you, and for her. In some areas, alimony is based on number of years married. Check into how it will change for you after 15, 20, or 25 years.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## thomas79 (Jan 16, 2018)

Thank you everybody for your responses. I have learnt a lot and taken in a lot as a result.

The comments about being the secondary hit home the most. This is precisely how I've been living my life for a very long time. 

My personal therapy still progresses which I find enlightening each and every time I go. If I'm honest without this I would not be here to contribute to this forum.

Finding things outside of my marriage is a priority I.e. hobbies and a social circle. I have been going to the gym regularly bit currently I am unable to. Spending quality time with the kids is a must too. 
Btw. My eldest who

My disk in my back ruptured this weekend putting some plans on hold. The only benefit to this being plenty of time to think.

I am going to create a list of boundaries, ones by which must be adhered to if this ever going to progress. I would welcome any suggestions in this area.

Regarding my wife working. I would like my wife to work even if part time or voluntary, albeit not necessarily for the financial contribution, rather to provide her the ability to grow and learn some wider perspective and some sense of responsibility. I have, using the secondary example, taken responsibility for most things including her actions to an extent. 

It is absolutely time for proof and for me that starts with some degree of commitment in the form of boundaries and intent.

Do I think my wife loves and wants me ? I'm not sure. Does my wife need me? Absolutely but the 2 things are very different in my book.

Any thoughts on boundaries would be appreciated.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

thomas79 said:


> My disk in my back ruptured this weekend putting some plans on hold. The only benefit to this being plenty of time to think.


On your back issue.

I have had three back surgeries. The first was the result of war.

The second two were the result of residual damage done and my pounding the hell of it. 
The last surgery was gold.

A surgeon fused my spine, L-3 to L-4 and scraped out another L-5, an offending bulging disk. 

They have perfected spinal surgery today. 
They can fix it right up. 
However, you will need to strengthen your back and abdominal muscles. 
Keep them tuned up.

Start a walking program, maybe swimming. Later, resistance training.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife is a pathological liar.

Our boundaries include total transparency. It is mandatory for her. I reciprocate because I am, at heart, egalitarian. 

I know every email and device password. I have sent mine to her in emails, but she claims to not know where to find them. It's a repeating theme.

I own three telephones. She uses one, and I have two for me. One receives all her texts and calls along with my own personal texts and calls. I have a phone I use for work as well as personal.

I track my wife by GPS, find my phone. She could do the same about me, but she claims to forget how.

These are some of our coping mechanisms.

Transparency is vital, for anyone, I think.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> On your back issue.
> 
> I have had three back surgeries. The first was the result of war.
> 
> ...



SunCMars, 
Were you intoxicated as you wrote this? This is the first post of yours I have seen that was coherent. I usually need a machete to cut through all the quatrains and rhyming couplets!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> SunCMars,
> Were you intoxicated as you wrote this? This is the first post of yours I have seen that was coherent. I usually need a machete to cut through all the quatrains and rhyming couplets!


Yes..

Don't make me gulp down more fermented apple juice.
It will clear the muddy water, the new view will get ugly.

Quatrains, ah, yes Nostradamus!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sounds like your your marriage was never worth a damn.

I'd definitely take the time to explore my options


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

WilliamM said:


> I own three telephones. She uses one, and I have two for me.


Don't forget there could always be a burner phone u don't know about... I think there are devices on Amazon that detect the presence of one or multiple phones in your near vicinity

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

True, but she checks in via text every hour or so. And I check the validity of her presence every few days with random checks during the day, showing up where she is supposed to be.

And I would have given a lot of this up years ago, but she actually started to cry when I suggested she didn't need to text so often. She seems to really enjoy the constant attention.

It's been 39 years now.

Transparency is the one thing I would never give up. There is no chance I would ever allow her to have a password on anything I don't know. I look at anything any time I want. She doesn't have her own computer. And as far as I know she doesn't have another phone.

But hey, as you pointed out you never really know anything. Truth is a funny thing.

Of course, she also doesn't have money, and has to account to me for every coin spent. No allowance. She seems to find that comforting, too. She is one strange little girl.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@WilliamM I would theorize that her problems manifested in part because as a child, her primary caretakers weren't paying close enough attention (allowing the abuse to happen), and her "bad behaviors" manifested as a way to get attention. She NEEDS close attention and monitoring to feel loved and safe. So, in doing so, you are meeting her emotional needs.

Most people would find it claustrophobic, but your wife isn't most people.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> @WilliamM I would theorize that her problems manifested in part because as a child, her primary caretakers weren't paying close enough attention (allowing the abuse to happen), and her "bad behaviors" manifested as a way to get attention. She NEEDS close attention and monitoring to feel loved and safe. So, in doing so, you are meeting her emotional needs.
> 
> Most people would find it claustrophobic, but your wife isn't most people.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Sounds reasonable. 

She does seem to really enjoy it. So I keep it up. I do want to make her as happy as I can.

Actually, it does sound very plausible as a reason for her affair. Later she said it was because she was bored with sex with me, and I learned new things about her. But I still always thought it was so odd she would do it and immediately tell me and throw herself on my mercy completely terrified by the potential response. She was so much like a wounded puppy I wasn't even angry at the time, just shocked. 

Then I discovered she lied. Which is it's own world of hurt.

She went through so much pain in her childhood though. She won't talk about it much. She claims she has even forgotten the months of beatings and emotional abuse that went with the Conversion Therapy. The shrinks think that's what taught her to always say what the interrogators want to hear, no matter what. They broke her of the idea of ever telling the truth.

I feel so guilty for having added to her pain before I heard about her past. Now, I do try to make her feel more secure and happier.

I post here because of my guilt over those years I raged at Mary. Maybe if I speak about it someone else can approach their problems more calmly, and understand another broken person sooner.

I had not considered the possibility she was acting out because she may have needed so much extra attention.

Thank you

William


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

OP where was the man located that was trying to blackmail your wife. More
Specifically how far from where you live?


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## thomas79 (Jan 16, 2018)

Hi

The guy claimed he was in the US. We live in the UK so there was no danger of that, thankfully.

Anyone claiming to be said person at the door wouldn't be leaving without a stretcher anyway and I am not a violent person in any way. 

He is still popping up occassionaly asking for money. Now that he has lost his power it's very half hearted.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I guess that means the police could not track him down. Too bad. Sounds like another internet scammer.


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## thomas79 (Jan 16, 2018)

He is likely in Nigeria. I have his details if anyone is interested. His main Instagram profile which he has a ton of women connected to then the other he uses to post the pics and blackmail. The police can do very little and Instagram haven't even responded.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think you need to refocus on your relationship, marriage and more specifically on your wife's transgression....the guy is just a money making jerk...and lets be crystal clear here, your wife fell for the trap, she was obviously looking for something and willing to share things with him, you need to investigate the cause, you need to uncover how long she has been wanting this kind of attention and desire...because if it wasn't him it would have been someone else, perhaps someone much closer to her and that might have lead to other problems, and still may if you do not address this now.


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## drugauntt (Jan 18, 2018)

thomas79 said:


> Hi,
> 
> 
> 
> ...








Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## drugauntt (Jan 18, 2018)

Perhaps lots of counseling for her. Bring you into the fold after she has had therapy. Keep her on her meds. Do not waste your life. Once trust is broken it takes a very long time if ever to gain back.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

thomas79 said:


> My wife suffers from a number of mental issues meaning that things have been tough (depression, OCD, bipolar, anxiety and hypochondria).


Thomas, I agree with @*Tatsuhiko* (post #6) that you may be dealing with strong symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- if your W's anger issues have persisted throughout your marriage, starting right after the wedding. I mention this because BPD is oftentimes misdiagnosed as bipolar. 

Moreover, even if your W has exhibited a bipolar-1 episode in the past year, there is a 47% chance she also suffers from co-occurring full-blown BPD (if that episode was bipolar-2, the chance for also having BPD is 36%). See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP.

If you're interested, I describe the major differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. If most of those BPD symptoms sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to joining *Tatsuhiko* and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Thomas.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@thomas79 these folks might have some tips on how to deal with him 419 Eater - The largest scambaiting community on the planet!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @thomas79 these folks might have some tips on how to deal with him 419 Eater - The largest scambaiting community on the planet!


 Love that site. Some of it is hilarious.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Call a lawyer.

Draw up a post nuptial agreement. One thats in your favor.

She needs to find a job!


Never mind just divorce her and use all this as evidence to get full custody and the best out come for you and your kids!


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unless you enforce some real consequences for her behaviour nothing will ever be fixed. Sooner or later she will repeat this behaviour again.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Also, she ran into a criminal scammer that totally has a script/story/pics/accounts and everything set up to trap people.

Doesn’t excuse anything, but it is a factor.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Also, she ran into a criminal scammer that totally has a script/story/pics/accounts and everything set up to trap people.
> 
> Doesn’t excuse anything, but it is a factor.


 I think that just says she has poorer judgement than your average poor judgement having cheater.


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## Mybranchofsinislove (Jan 22, 2018)

I just went through this, he came clean and there were photos but no threats later. She was pretty mad he saved them though. Lol. Seriously though. I am making the decision to forgive my fiance, soon, not yet, but I feel the love we still have, I know i will find peace if we continue to communicate and build trust. I am examining what I could have been doing better, not to excuse him but to understand the fragile balance of our actions in relationships. If she seems to want to look inward at what caused her affair, make changes, and commit to you and prove it all, I say you should keep her. It took his complete and open honesty with words to build empathy in me, she just has to keep talking and apologizing, and utilizing therapy.


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