# Have not slept with my wife in 3 years.



## Esco600 (Sep 28, 2021)

I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.

I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.

What do I do?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Esco600 said:


> What do I do?


Long story short, start having sex with other people.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Leave now. It isn't going to get any better


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Find out who _is_ sleeping with her.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Find out who _is_ sleeping with her.


This. Because she is sleeping with someone.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

I don't get it when people complain about lack of sex, then throw in a list of all the chores they do or help with thinking this makes any difference at all. Think about all the stories on here....did any of the APs do any of the chores? 

Were you working away those ten months, or in the big house?


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## Esco600 (Sep 28, 2021)

manwithnoname said:


> I don't get it when people complain about lack of sex, then throw in a list of all the chores they do or help with thinking this makes any difference at all. Think about all the stories on here....did any of the APs do any of the chores?
> 
> Were you working away those ten months, or in the big house?


I was overseas working


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

manwithnoname said:


> ..did any of the APs do any of the chores?



Exactly..... all the "helping around the house" and "allowing freedom" in the world won't do anything.



Esco600 said:


> I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.


It's the same old story, same old song..... you are the CHUMP. You are the pack mule she uses to carry her burden. Someone else has her sexual attention. While you bust your a$$ working, 
mostly to pay HER bills and the bills of the kids who, basically, do squat for you and trip HER trigger, she recreates elsewhere.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How old are the children? Even if you have 3 young ones, no sex in a marriage would be a deal breaker for me. What's the point of being married? If she doesn't want to have sex with you, she is either having sex with another man/woman, she's lost her attraction for you (for whatever reason), she's lost her libido (maybe she is on anti-depressants) or she doesn't know the meaning of marriage. Since you are not having sex, as someone else said, ask for an open marriage, divorce or suck it up. Of course you could try couple counselling, if you can afford it and your wife agrees.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Personal said:


> Long story short, start having sex with other people.


Yep


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Find out who _is_ sleeping with her.


Another yep


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Time to wake up and smell the coffee or tea ...you married a woman who you provided for everythign including having sex with other men and now you still wonder why she will have nothing to do with you? here are your option 

1. divorce her
2. reconcile (if it is even worth it) but have her take a polygraph to prove she has not been sleeping with other men
3. stay married but distance yourself completely from her and start your own life within the marriage 

but start by stop being a doormat and gain back your balls.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Personal said:


> Long story short, start having sex with other people.


Sounds like she already might have started.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


So summarize what I read, you are ok with your "wife" living the single life while you provide all of the resources. She has "friend" zoned you. You are friends and roommates ( but without "benefits"). You do a lot of the "chores", and she is too tired and exhausted for intimacy ( with you ). 

After three years, how is she draining her tank? Surely don't think a normal early-30s female has become celibate. Imagine she is draining it a lot, especially if you were away for 10 months. When you are away on business, she knows the coast is clear for a certain period of time. Bet her lover(s) are with her every night partying while you are gone. That is why she is so damn tired when you come home.

In answer to your question, you can be friends without being married. You haven't really been married for the last three years anyway. So your choice is an open marriage or divorce. Which one would she prefer?


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


She has been managing a household with three children ALONE for almost a year. During a pandemic that is in and if itself incredibly stressful. But you pay the bills and do some chores and she owes you, right? She's been handling the entire mental load of life for months and months and you come home and expect her to start putting out on top of that? How about reaching out to her? Take care of her emotional needs that have not been met while you were gone? Start reading on what mental load really is and see how that affects a woman, her moods, her emotions, and most of all, her libido.

Dude, take care of your wife first. Not how you think she needs it, how she actually needs it.


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## 351147 (Sep 2, 2021)

To the OP, have you ever told her how you feel? I know you mentioned you attempted to be intimate with her, but did you ever say to her this isn't right and you feel that there's a problem?

Years ago I had a similar issue with my wife, we didn't have sex for months and it came to a boiling point 1 night, I lost it and told my wife that something needs to change. She didn't feel there was a problem because nothing was ever said. Now we have a "regular" sex life. Sometimes you just need to talk about it.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

AndStilliRise said:


> She has been managing a household with three children ALONE for almost a year. During a pandemic that is in and if itself incredibly stressful. But you pay the bills and do some chores and she owes you, right? She's been handling the entire mental load of life for months and months and you come home and expect her to start putting out on top of that? How about reaching out to her? Take care of her emotional needs that have not been met while you were gone? Start reading on what mental load really is and see how that affects a woman, her moods, her emotions, and most of all, her libido.
> 
> Dude, take care of your wife first. Not how you think she needs it, how she actually needs it.


You can’t possibly be serious?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AndStilliRise said:


> She has been managing a household with three children ALONE for almost a year. During a pandemic that is in and if itself incredibly stressful. But you pay the bills and do some chores and she owes you, right? She's been handling the entire mental load of life for months and months and you come home and expect her to start putting out on top of that? How about reaching out to her? Take care of her emotional needs that have not been met while you were gone? Start reading on what mental load really is and see how that affects a woman, her moods, her emotions, and most of all, her libido.
> 
> Dude, take care of your wife first. Not how you think she needs it, how she actually needs it.


This guy has been out of country, away from his wife and 3 kids for 10 months to support his family and her life being stressful is the only thing you consider? Any wife that isn't jumping the bones of their husband after not being with him for 10 months has either been getting sexual relief elsewhere or she is no longer physically attracted to her husband. This has nothing to do with her stress level.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Why you have allowed this to go on for 3 years is a complete mystery to me. You have accepted her excuses and rejection for this long, so there is NO way for it to be fixed simply and easily. You have let her make all the sexual rules and barely complained, all while taking care of her like a big brother or father would...I don't see any way out of this without blowing up your relationship and starting over with her...or someone else.

And if you weren't willing to do that 2 3/4 years ago, I don't think you will be able to do it now.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Why you have allowed this to go on for 3 years is a complete mystery to me. You have accepted her excuses and rejection for this long, so there is NO way for it to be fixed simply and easily. You have let her make all the sexual rules and barely complained, all while taking care of her like a big brother or father would...I don't see any way out of this without blowing up your relationship and starting over with her...or someone else.
> 
> And if you weren't willing to do that 2 3/4 years ago, I don't think you will be able to do it now.


LisaDiane,

You make perfect sense here, but I have to disagree with this part - "Why you have allowed this to go on for 3 years is a complete mystery to me"

I do my best to take a step back and remember "How could this happen?". Even then, I still fail at times and forget. It is easy for me to NOW look at others and say, "I can't believe you are allowing this to happen. You should do x,y,z."

Then I remember I used to do the same exact thing. Next, I remember how I got there in the first place. I ignored it. I distracted myself with hobbies. I got caught up in my work. All of this was done to distract myself from the depression and the pain. Early on in my relationship I didn't have the knowledge that I have today. I didn't know my self worth. I thought I could never get someone as great as my wife. Society had also taught me that "This is just how things are so I should accept them". I didn't know about TAM and the wealth of knowledge that is here. I stupidly didn't realize that I have complete control over MY life and I can decide how things can and should go.....

I could go on and on. I could say that I wish I could go back in time as a 42 year old man and tell my 25 year old self, "Hey mofo... you are going down the wrong path. Fix this crap right now." but I can't do that. The only thing I can do is forget the time I wasted and make sure that I don't waste any more of my time moving forward for my own life. In addition, I stay here on TAM to help others realize and learn from their mistakes and my mistakes. Maybe I can help someone else before they waste the ridiculous amount of years that I did. 

BTW, this is NOT an attack on you @LisaDiane. I hold a great deal of respect for you and what you bring to the table here at TAM. You are one of my favorite posters here.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Sounds like she already might have started.


That's what my wife said.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> Long story short, start having sex with other people.


Terrible idea.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Terrible idea.


You are clearly mistaken.

How on earth is it a terrible idea for someone to replace their sexual partner, if that sexual partner won't have sex with them for 3 years?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Personal said:


> You are clearly mistaken.
> 
> How on earth is it a terrible idea for someone to replace their sexual partner, if that sexual partner won't have sex with them for 3 years?


She applies her own values.

I would simply put my foot down and if she didn't get her ass in gear, she would be the ex Mrs. while I found the new Mrs. Conan.

Folks who don't share our beliefs aren't at all bound by them of course.

She can't seem to make the separation.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> LisaDiane,
> 
> You make perfect sense here, but I have to disagree with this part - "Why you have allowed this to go on for 3 years is a complete mystery to me"
> 
> ...


Thank you for your comment and sharing your opinion - I can assure you I don't feel attacked, and I appreciate all other opinions because that's how I learn and understand, by having as much differing information as possible! (whether I agree or not)

With almost everything that I post, I'm doing it from a "MY perspective" view...meaning, from how I am seeing things, or from how I would have reacted, etc. And I NEVER feel like I hold the supreme position...it's just MINE. I know I could always be wrong. If I ever sound like I am not considering things from another person's view, it's either lazy writing on my part, or I'm trying very hard to get a point across and I sound harsher than I mean to. That's not to say I'm not stubborn...I certainly can be! Lol!!

I definitely understand what you are pointing out to me, and I can guarantee you that I didn't mean any kind of attack on the OP, or anyone, for hanging around and accepting no sex for YEARS...I completely get that, because it's really all about "degrees" of acceptance for each individual. I know I hung around when my marriage became dysfunctional for much longer than 3 years, and put up with things from my STBX that plenty of people would think were intolerable and foolish to accept (not even related to sex - we weren't sexless yet).

So I KNOW how the time can slip by, and partners keep HOPING things will change, or that they will find the magic dust that will transform things for them back to when their partner was different, and things were happier.

What I meant here was that the OP is now, THREE YEARS later, wanting to confront this issue with his wife, and the length of time makes it, in my opinion, nearly impossible to change. If it was something so important to him, he needed to be communicating from the start with her about it - I do understand why he didn't...but from what I've seen and heard of other people in similar situations to his, there is very little hope of success now.

The OP has been unintentionally dishonest with his wife about what he is willing to tolerate, and I'm predicting she is going to be VERY resistant to change, which I also understand. I definitely believe SHE is wrong to refuse...but he's almost doing a bait-and-switch with her now -- he WAS ok with no sex (from her perspective), and now he wants to change his mind.

He SHOULD communicate this to her for sure, and he's within his right to change his mind...but my opinion is that he has very little chance of success. And a main reason for that, I think, is because he waited much too long to put his foot down about it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check your phone bill. Your biggest problem is you. Get some self respect.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> She applies her own values.


Wow! Some values.

So when did it become righteous for someone to not replace a spouse in a monogamous marriage, when they're married to someone who flat out refuses to ever have sex with them for years on end interminably?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Personal said:


> Wow! Some values.
> 
> So when did it become righteous for someone to not replace a spouse in a monogamous marriage, when they're married to someone who flat out refuses to ever have sex with them for years on end interminably?


I would in a heartbeat. I would just divorce her first. I won't ever have someone on the side but my wife at least has to be willing to to be sacrificed on the alter of my willy.

I don't know OP's beliefs but he sure as hell should put an end to the sham and get himself a willing woman to move on with.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> Why you have allowed this to go on for 3 years is a complete mystery to me.


Where does he say it's been 3 years? He has 3 kids. He's been away for 10 months and when he got back he wanted some sex (reasonable) but she kept rejecting him, getting upset. I think there is some truth in what @AndStilliRise says... she's been on her own for 10 months with 3 small kids and she is probably mentally exhausted. That said, I don't believe it's the whole truth.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Where does he say it's been 3 years? He has 3 kids. He's been away for 10 months and when he got back he wanted some sex (reasonable) but she kept rejecting him. getting upset. I think there is some truth in what @AndStilliRise says... she's been on her own for 10 months with 3 small kids and she is probably mentally exhausted. That said, I don;t believe it's the whole truth.


The title of the thread might lead one to believe that he hasn't waxed the old Woodrow with her for over 1095 days.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I would in a heartbeat. I would just divorce her first.


In the interests of brevity, my "terrible" post, is the abridged version of "divorce your wife" and then start having sex with other people (hence writing "long story short").


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Where does he say it's been 3 years?


Perhaps you might read the discussion title.



> *Have not slept with my wife in 3 years.*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

U


Personal said:


> You are clearly mistaken.
> 
> How on earth is it a terrible idea for someone to replace their sexual partner, if that sexual partner won't have sex with them for 3 years?


He is married. If he wants someone else, at least end the marriage first.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> He is married. If he wants someone else, at least end the marriage first.


In other words you agree with me, try to keep up.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> Perhaps you might read the discussion title.


Who reads discussion titles?  Well, I must have read it and then subconsciously deleted it from my brain. Because there are no excuses, then. But as other people have said, you leave it for 3 years and then expect your partner to see the light? Nope...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Nope...


Yep, Nope!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> In the interests of brevity, my "terrible" post, is the abridged version of "divorce your wife" and then start having sex with other people (hence writing "long story short").





Personal said:


> In other words you agree with me, try to keep up.


Now you have added to what you said yes.. However divorce should always be a last resport, I am sure that sure things that can be tried first.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I am sure that sure things that can be tried first.


Yes, like naked jelly wrestling.


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## DrummerCD (Sep 22, 2021)

You need to talk to her, have a honest discussion, it's hard but the only way you have a clear answer. The longer you wait the worst it is. 3 years is a long time bro. If she is just show no interest, are you willing to live the rest of your life without sex? you need to tell her that.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Time to do a deep dive and check her phone, texts, social media messages, etc. Check your phone records (very easy with AT&T, it tells you the duration of each phone call). You were gone a long time. Who knows what could have happened.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

LATERILUS79 said:


> You can’t possibly be serious?


Absolutely I am.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

She's getting it somewhere, if it's not from you, it's time to find out from whom.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

AndStilliRise said:


> Absolutely I am.


That's just plain scary.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

AndStilliRise said:


> Absolutely I am.


Ok. You and I will not see eye to eye on pretty much any subject. It is an interesting thought you had there…. But…. Yeah.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

LATERILUS79 said:


> LisaDiane,
> 
> You make perfect sense here, but I have to disagree with this part - "Why you have allowed this to go on for 3 years is a complete mystery to me"
> 
> ...


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> That's just plain scary.


What is scary are all the men accusing this woman of cheating. The fact that none of you can see that he is more concerned about getting his rocks off than the emotional welfare of the wife is so much more is frightening.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AndStilliRise said:


> You are sad man.


I am a very happy man. You on the other hand you seem to really have a chip on your shoulder. Sorry for what ever pain you've gone through. 

BTW, I've been in the military and I travel for work. Also have two kids. Every time I've been away, whether it was 2 days or 2 months, my wife is thrilled to see me and is definitely interested in getting intimate sooner rather than later. It is a pretty normal thing between two happily married people. I'm sorry you can't understand that.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


@Esco600, Mouth shut, eyes open, and start digging my friend, I bet you will be shocked at finding what she has been doing behind your back!


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?



If you are working over seas for months on end you wife is probably detached emotionally and living the life of a single mother. You arriving home is just one more person for her to look after. Other than washing a dish what are you doing to rekindle a spark? A clean dish is not working.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Nailhead said:


> If you are working over seas for months on end you wife is probably detached emotionally and living the life of a single mother. You arriving home is just one more person for her to look after. Other than washing a dish what are you doing to rekindle a spark? A clean dish is not working.


She isn't living the life of a single mother. She's living the life of a woman who has a man fully financially supporting her, and doesn't work.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Nailhead said:


> If you are working over seas for months on end you wife is probably detached emotionally and living the life of a single mother. You arriving home is just one more person for her to look after. Other than washing a dish what are you doing to rekindle a spark? A clean dish is not working.


You'll put this on OP? The W should have had the kids at a sleepover with trusted friends and greeted H in nothing but sexy lingerie upon his return. No doubt whatsoever.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

AndStilliRise said:


> She has been managing a household with three children ALONE for almost a year. During a pandemic that is in and if itself incredibly stressful. But you pay the bills and do some chores and she owes you, right? She's been handling the entire mental load of life for months and months and you come home and expect her to start putting out on top of that? How about reaching out to her? Take care of her emotional needs that have not been met while you were gone? Start reading on what mental load really is and see how that affects a woman, her moods, her emotions, and most of all, her libido.
> 
> Dude, take care of your wife first. Not how you think she needs it, how she actually needs it.


So she can go out to clubs but is to mentally exhausted to attempt to have a connection with her husband?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

AndStilliRise said:


> What is scary are all the men accusing this woman of cheating. The fact that none of you can see that he is more concerned about getting his rocks off than the emotional welfare of the wife is so much more is frightening.


Oddly enough the mob on this site is usually correct unfortunately. They hear hoofs and immediately think horses not zebras. I understand you wish the poor op to be shoehorned into your narrative but look at the CWI forums and you will find it littered with stories just like this one.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Well, there are worse things than not having sex (or intimacy at least), but you can't really call it a marriage in the traditional sense, or by most definitions.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Now you have added to what you said yes.. However divorce should always be a last resport, I am sure that sure things that can be tried first.


From what I've seen, it almost always IS the last resort for the person who seeks it...THEY decide when they have tried everything and when they are ready to move on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


There's nothing you can do. From just reading your two paragraphs, it sounds like she ended up losing passion for you and now loves you as a friend, so she doesn't want to have sex with you. I don't know any way to just bring that back if that's what happened. It's overfamiliarity. It really can change the relationship dynamic. So if you want a wife, you'll have to leave her and plan on taking 50/50 joint custody of the kids. If you two are still good friends, then that's great going forward, but you'll have to be careful once you are committed to another woman never to let this one interfere, in other words, you won't ever be able to jump when she calls or whatever. You'll have to really downplay that you're still friends to keep the new one from getting upset. Which if you love your wife more than the new woman, you might cater to her hoping to get her back, but you won't -- not sexually. So you have to make up your mind not to do that and mess up future relationships that way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Esco600 It might be caused by a number of issues. Health, a psychological problem, perhaps cheating. 

I would suggest couple's therapy to explore ways to potentially save your marriage and your family.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

AndStilliRise said:


> What is scary are all the men accusing this woman of cheating. The fact that none of you can see that he is more concerned about getting his rocks off than the emotional welfare of the wife is so much more is frightening.


Ok my fellow. She hasn't had sex with her husband in three years and goes out clubbing without him.

Don't worry about casting aspersions my way. I'm a very sexually successful man who has been with his wife for over 30 years.

If you can't see some very real indications then you couldn't be convinced to buy water in the middle of the Sahara.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Ok my fellow. She hasn't had sex with her husband in three years and goes out clubbing without him.
> 
> Don't worry about casting aspersions my way. I'm a very sexually successful man who has been with his wife for over 30 years.
> 
> If you can't see some very real indications then you couldn't be convinced to buy water in the middle of the Sahara.


Some people will attempt to push their bias no matter what.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I am a very happy man. You on the other hand you seem to really have a chip on your shoulder. Sorry for what ever pain you've gone through.
> 
> BTW, I've been in the military and I travel for work. Also have two kids. Every time I've been away, whether it was 2 days or 2 months, my wife is thrilled to see me and is definitely interested in getting intimate sooner rather than later. It is a pretty normal thing between two happily married people. I'm sorry you can't understand that.


Lol! No pain here, but your fake concern is noted. On the contrary, it seems those projecting are the ones crying "cheater!"

Thank you for your service. I'm a 22 year military wife myself so I totally get it. My husband is both an OEF and OIF veteran. I was a sahm for a number of those years when we lived overseas. This was not a problem we ever had either. But I also didn't have a husband that felt like doing some chores entitled him to my body. He was interested in connecting, not using me as his receptacle or as a reward for doing the bare minimum. 

And when a woman, a mom, has three kids and is needed by them every minute, constantly at their beck and call, constantly being touched, hugged, grabbed, clung to, or having to hold one of them with no help, no breaks...there is a thing called being "touched out." It's where one is so overwhelmed and over stimulated by being (by necessity) the only one to provide for the needs and wellbeing of everyone else, the thought of being touched by anyone else for any reason, especially an adult that refuses to help relieve those feelings of being overwhelmed and "touched out" is enough to make any woman push him away.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


Your way too nice.

First off there is a good chance she is cheating and replaced you already.

Start to distance yourself from her, tell her you are starting to have doubts if she loves you. Tell her you are not sure if your marriage as it is is sustainable.

Most of all stop being so damn nice. Everything you are doing says, I am here for you to live off of me like some dead host for a parasite to feast off of. Being a good husband doesn't mean groveling at your wife's feet.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> She has been managing a household with three children ALONE for almost a year. During a pandemic that is in and if itself incredibly stressful. But you pay the bills and do some chores and she owes you, right? She's been handling the entire mental load of life for months and months and you come home and expect her to start putting out on top of that? How about reaching out to her? Take care of her emotional needs that have not been met while you were gone? Start reading on what mental load really is and see how that affects a woman, her moods, her emotions, and most of all, her libido.
> 
> Dude, take care of your wife first. Not how you think she needs it, how she actually needs it.


Your wife found this thread.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LATERILUS79 said:


> LisaDiane,
> 
> You make perfect sense here, but I have to disagree with this part - "Why you have allowed this to go on for 3 years is a complete mystery to me"
> 
> ...


Listen lots of people are unhappy in their marriage at times. Assholes cheat, period. Good spouses talk to their partners and work on it, they don't check out. If your wife is cheating, then you are better off without her.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Listen lots of people are unhappy in their marriage at times. Assholes cheat, period. Good spouses talk to their partners and work on it, they don't check out. If your wife is cheating, then you are better off without her.


Sokillme, what are you talking about? You've got me Hella confused. I think you meant to post in a different thread.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids.* I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at* discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


Yeah, you’re a wallet and getting played like a Stratoveri fiddle.

Gotta accept she’s being loyal to her affair partner and has zero desire for you anyway.

I’m sorry, a good friend would lower the 2x4 boom on you. Mine isn’t nearly as bad as you need.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> Lol! No pain here, but your fake concern is noted. On the contrary, it seems those projecting are the ones crying "cheater!"
> 
> Thank you for your service. I'm a 22 year military wife myself so I totally get it. My husband is both an OEF and OIF veteran. I was a sahm for a number of those years when we lived overseas. This was not a problem we ever had either. But I also didn't have a husband that felt like doing some chores entitled him to my body. He was interested in connecting, not using me as his receptacle or as a reward for doing the bare minimum.
> 
> And when a woman, a mom, has three kids and is needed by them every minute, constantly at their beck and call, constantly being touched, hugged, grabbed, clung to, or having to hold one of them with no help, no breaks...there is a thing called being "touched out." It's where one is so overwhelmed and over stimulated by being (by necessity) the only one to provide for the needs and wellbeing of everyone else, the thought of being touched by anyone else for any reason, especially an adult that refuses to help relieve those feelings of being overwhelmed and "touched out" is enough to make any woman push him away.


What you described above is horrible parenting!
Yet some women have far more children, do the mom thing just fine, have a healthy libedo and after ten Months of no sex, their husband wouldn’t make it in the door before visciously ripping his clothes off and they might not even make it to the bedroom ...and yes, there’d be a babysitter when he got home and the kids wouldn’t be in the house.

Shocker: three kids (I have three) aren’t that damn hard to handle in most cases. I enjoyed taking care of mine. I never got “touched out” and mine slept on me, snuggled with me, put their cold feet in my face at night, asked me to hold them...., they rode the tractor with me, they fished with me when I went fishing (rarely all three at once, I’ll admit)...they went wherever I did...regularly....
Kids are not necessarily that damn hard if one keeps them in Even a decent routine, teach them what no means, teaches them how to care for themselves and even help others. Mine have always been a pleasure to have around, even as small children, 95% of the time. 

A man is not expecting too much when he wants to have sex with his wife after a ten month deployment, or at least after THREE YEARS!!!!!!!
And a healthy wife would be wanting him as badly as he does her.

And if we met in real life, I’d respectfully wager next months salary that OP’s wife is cheating. It’s not like men on long deployments haven’t been supplying Jody with beers and other things for a long time now.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Sokillme, what are you talking about? You've got me Hella confused. I think you meant to post in a different thread.


I mean is don't make excuses for her, about how you were over seas or lost in your job. She could have just as easily told you how unhappy she was if that was the case.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe his wife is resenting him being away a lot and being left on her own looking after the kids full time with no help. But a bit of honesty wouldn't go amiss. If she's gone off him, then tell him. But I guess she is scared of losing everything - that said, she is not doing a very good job by withholding sex for 3 years. In essence, we don't really have enough info.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> Lol! No pain here, but your fake concern is noted. On the contrary, it seems those projecting are the ones crying "cheater!"
> 
> Thank you for your service. I'm a 22 year military wife myself so I totally get it. My husband is both an OEF and OIF veteran. I was a sahm for a number of those years when we lived overseas. This was not a problem we ever had either. But I also didn't have a husband that felt like doing some chores entitled him to my body. He was interested in connecting, not using me as his receptacle or as a reward for doing the bare minimum.
> 
> And when a woman, a mom, has three kids and is needed by them every minute, constantly at their beck and call, constantly being touched, hugged, grabbed, clung to, or having to hold one of them with no help, no breaks...there is a thing called being "touched out." It's where one is so overwhelmed and over stimulated by being (by necessity) the only one to provide for the needs and wellbeing of everyone else, the thought of being touched by anyone else for any reason, especially an adult that refuses to help relieve those feelings of being overwhelmed and "touched out" is enough to make any woman push him away.


If someone is so "touched out" from kids for THREE YEARS such that they won't have sex with their husband even once, then they shouldn't be married. 

The person isn't relationship or marriage material. They aren't able to sustain any kind of normal marriage relationship. 

I say this as a mother who was a SAHM with kids who were very cuddly.

Some people don't have the ability to be in certain life situations. This wife isn't cut out to be a wife, to be a partner in a marriage relationship.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Adding, if they haven't had sex in three years, the youngest child is at least 4 (if we assume the last time they had sex was when the youngest child was conceived). That's past the young baby or two year old touching mom all of the time. 

Touched out = a non applicable theory here.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You better go James Bond on her devices. Check her phone, tablet, laptop, emails, text, social media. A healthy early 30s woman, who goes clubbing, is not going to go 3 years with no sex. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife has been having a LTR affair. That would explain why a wife who hadn’t seen her husband in 10 months doesn’t want to have sex with him. She doesn’t want to cheat on her man by having sex with you. The AP most likely meets her at the club. Look at her text with the friends that she goes to the club. They are very likely covering for her.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> And when a woman, a mom, has three kids and is needed by them every minute, constantly at their beck and call, constantly being touched, hugged, grabbed, clung to, or having to hold one of them with no help, no breaks...there is a thing called being "touched out." It's where one is so overwhelmed and over stimulated by being (by necessity) the only one to provide for the needs and wellbeing of everyone else, the thought of being touched by anyone else for any reason, especially an adult that refuses to help relieve those feelings of being overwhelmed and "touched out" is enough to make any woman push him away.


Assuming what the author says is true, what's your take on, "I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes" ( and assuming she is doing this without him. He'd have to clearify) , how does it square with being too tired, stressed out for normal sexual relations with her husband, "touched out", but willing to go out clubbing and likely associating/dancing with other guys?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AndStilliRise said:


> Lol! No pain here, but your fake concern is noted. On the contrary, it seems those projecting are the ones crying "cheater!"
> 
> Thank you for your service. I'm a 22 year military wife myself so I totally get it. My husband is both an OEF and OIF veteran. I was a sahm for a number of those years when we lived overseas. This was not a problem we ever had either. But I also didn't have a husband that felt like doing some chores entitled him to my body. He was interested in connecting, not using me as his receptacle or as a reward for doing the bare minimum.
> 
> And when a woman, a mom, has three kids and is needed by them every minute, constantly at their beck and call, constantly being touched, hugged, grabbed, clung to, or having to hold one of them with no help, no breaks...there is a thing called being "touched out." It's where one is so overwhelmed and over stimulated by being (by necessity) the only one to provide for the needs and wellbeing of everyone else, the thought of being touched by anyone else for any reason, especially an adult that refuses to help relieve those feelings of being overwhelmed and "touched out" is enough to make any woman push him away.


Not.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AndStilliRise said:


> Lol! No pain here, but your fake concern is noted. On the contrary, it seems those projecting are the ones crying "cheater!"
> 
> Thank you for your service. I'm a 22 year military wife myself so I totally get it. My husband is both an OEF and OIF veteran. I was a sahm for a number of those years when we lived overseas. This was not a problem we ever had either. But I also didn't have a husband that felt like doing some chores entitled him to my body. He was interested in connecting, not using me as his receptacle or as a reward for doing the bare minimum.
> 
> And when a woman, a mom, has three kids and is needed by them every minute, constantly at their beck and call, constantly being touched, hugged, grabbed, clung to, or having to hold one of them with no help, no breaks...there is a thing called being "touched out." It's where one is so overwhelmed and over stimulated by being (by necessity) the only one to provide for the needs and wellbeing of everyone else, the thought of being touched by anyone else for any reason, especially an adult that refuses to help relieve those feelings of being overwhelmed and "touched out" is enough to make any woman push him away.


The concern isn't fake. Your extremely negative attitude towards men's points of view and the way they seem to trigger you made me think there is something in your past. My mistake.

Thank your husband as well ( and you, being a military wife isn't easy.) I was in during Desert Shield/Desert Storm, BTW.

I contend that any woman that has even a small spark of desire for her husband will want to be sexually intimate with him as soon as possible after he came home after 10 months away. Touched out or not her response isn't normal. As others have pointed out, she goes out clubbing. If she has energy and time for clubbing she has time for her husband. Then again, this problem predates the 10 months away. They haven't had sex in 3 years. She obviously has no desire for him. Obviously we can't say for sure, but I don't think it is a huge leap to suspect cheating. Either that and/or she has fallen out of love with him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


I am only putting this out there. There was a guy that was on one of the forums. His wife did the same thing after they had their kids, she stopped having sex with him. She stopped having sex with him because she didn’t want to cheat on her lover.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The concern isn't fake. Your extremely negative attitude towards men's points of view and the way they seem to trigger you made me think there is something in your past. My mistake.
> 
> Thank you husband ( and you, being a military wife isn't easy.) I was in during Desert Shield/Desert Storm.
> 
> I contend that any woman that has even a small spark of desire for her husband will want to be sexually intimate with him as soon as possible after he came home after 10 months away. Touched out or not her response isn't normal. As others have pointed out, she goes out clubbing. If she has energy and time for clubbing she has time for her husband. Then again, this problem predates the 10 months away. They haven't had sex in 3 years. She obviously has no desire for him. Obviously we can't say for sure, but I don't think it is a huge leap to suspect cheating. Either that and/or she has fallen out of love with him.


There's no trigger. Lol. Funny that someone dares to disagree with the male masses and it's must be wounded woman that hasn't dealt with her pain. GTFOH.

My main point is that this doesn't just happen. Women don't just stop having sex with their man for no reason. Not blaming him, but saying there is a very high likelihood that there have been ongoing issues between them that haven't been addressed. He said they haven't had sex for 3 years, but then he leaves for 10 months. I mean, unless he's in the military, which he did not indicate he is, then he had a choice. He had a choice to find a job closer to home to work on their marriage. If they have had problems for (at least) 3 years, leaving for one of those years is not going to make things better. At all. In fact, it is going to do the exact opposite.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> Assuming what the author says is true, what's your take on, "I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes" ( and assuming she is doing this without him. He'd have to clearify) , how does it square with being too tired, stressed out for normal sexual relations with her husband, "touched out", but willing to go out clubbing and likely associating/dancing with other guys?


"let" What is this "letting" her do things? My husband doesn't "let" me do things. I don't "let" him do things. Is she on a leash? Seems very controlling to me. Red flag.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Livvie said:


> If someone is so "touched out" from kids for THREE YEARS such that they won't have sex with their husband even once, then they shouldn't be married.
> 
> The person isn't relationship or marriage material. They aren't able to sustain any kind of normal marriage relationship.
> 
> ...


I was speaking specifically of him being gone for 10 months with the touched out thing. As for the 3 years, there have clearly been relationship issues going on for a while that haven't been addressed. I highly doubt she is the only one responsible for that. And his answer was to leave for nearly a year. Yes, that will fix it.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> What you described above is horrible parenting!
> Yet some women have far more children, do the mom thing just fine, have a healthy libedo and after ten Months of no sex, their husband wouldn’t make it in the door before visciously ripping his clothes off and they might not even make it to the bedroom ...and yes, there’d be a babysitter when he got home and the kids wouldn’t be in the house.
> 
> Shocker: three kids (I have three) aren’t that damn hard to handle in most cases. I enjoyed taking care of mine. I never got “touched out” and mine slept on me, snuggled with me, put their cold feet in my face at night, asked me to hold them...., they rode the tractor with me, they fished with me when I went fishing (rarely all three at once, I’ll admit)...they went wherever I did...regularly....
> ...


It's not horrible parenting. Wow.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AndStilliRise said:


> "let" What is this "letting" her do things? My husband doesn't "let" me do things. I don't "let" him do things. Is she on a leash? Seems very controlling to me. Red flag.


See, that is the negative attitude I'm talking about. You picked out the words that spin the man negatively without even answer the question he was actually asking. 




AndStilliRise said:


> There's no trigger. Lol. Funny that someone dares to disagree with the male masses and it's must be wounded woman that hasn't dealt with her pain. GTFOH.
> 
> My main point is that this doesn't just happen. Women don't just stop having sex with their man for no reason. Not blaming him, but saying there is a very high likelihood that there have been ongoing issues between them that haven't been addressed. He said they haven't had sex for 3 years, but then he leaves for 10 months. I mean, unless he's in the military, which he did not indicate he is, then he had a choice. He had a choice to find a job closer to home to work on their marriage. If they have had problems for (at least) 3 years, leaving for one of those years is not going to make things better. At all. In fact, it is going to do the exact opposite.


Disagreeing is one thing, and is expected. The angry tone in your message, at least that is what comes through to me, is what made me think you had something in your passed. Again, my mistake. 

As for the rest of what you said here, I do agree. This problem predates the 10 month trip and the trip did nothing to improve the relationship. It actually may have been the final nail in the coffin for the marriage.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> As for the rest of what you said here, I do agree. This problem predates the 10 month trip and the trip did nothing to improve the relationship. It actually may have been the final nail in the coffin for the marriage.


We finally agree on something.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

AndStilliRise said:


> "let" What is this "letting" her do things? My husband doesn't "let" me do things. I don't "let" him do things. Is she on a leash? Seems very controlling to me. Red flag.


My wife "lets" me do things. If she was uncomfortable with me going out to a club I would take her feelings into account. It's awfully telling that you are caught up on his language and not on the behavior. Like I said before, horses not zebras but of course for some only she will get the benefit of the doubt even no matter what it looks like.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

OP have you and your wife talked about this? Not you whining over it but a sit down where you discuss rationally the issues you are having?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> There's no trigger. Lol. Funny that someone dares to disagree with the male masses and it's must be wounded woman that hasn't dealt with her pain. GTFOH.
> 
> My main point is that this doesn't just happen. Women don't just stop having sex with their man for no reason. Not blaming him, but saying there is a very high likelihood that there have been ongoing issues between them that haven't been addressed. He said they haven't had sex for 3 years, but then he leaves for 10 months. I mean, unless he's in the military, which he did not indicate he is, then he had a choice. He had a choice to find a job closer to home to work on their marriage. If they have had problems for (at least) 3 years, leaving for one of those years is not going to make things better. At all. In fact, it is going to do the exact opposite.


Oh please. 

He said he was overseas working. He's the only person in the marriage with a job. Now he's the bad guy for having a job that required him to be working overseas? How do you know the job market for someone with his skills where he is located, that pays enough to support his *non-working * wife and their kids?

If it is so easy to find a job to solely support 4 people, SHE should have done it, then.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> "let" What is this "letting" her do things? My husband doesn't "let" me do things. I don't "let" him do things. Is she on a leash? Seems very controlling to me. Red flag.


You're crayfishing away from my question ASR and attempting to distract via referring to semantics, or linguistic structures or the hell with it, what he meant by the word, let. Again, how does it square with being too tired, stressed out for normal sexual relations with her husband, "touched out", but willing to go out clubbing and likely associating/dancing with other guys?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Oh please.
> 
> He said he was overseas working. He's the only person in the marriage with a job. Now he's the bad guy for having a job that required him to be working overseas? *How do you know the job market for someone with his skills where he is located, that pays enough to support his *non-working * wife and their kids?*
> 
> If it is so easy to find a job to solely support 4 people, SHE should have done it, then.


That's simple. It doesn't fit the narrative.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AndStilliRise said:


> Lol! No pain here, but your fake concern is noted. On the contrary, it seems those projecting are the ones crying "cheater!"
> 
> Thank you for your service. I'm a 22 year military wife myself so I totally get it. My husband is both an OEF and OIF veteran. I was a sahm for a number of those years when we lived overseas. This was not a problem we ever had either. But I also didn't have a husband that felt like doing some chores entitled him to my body. He was interested in connecting, not using me as his receptacle or as a reward for doing the bare minimum.
> 
> And when a woman, a mom, has three kids and is needed by them every minute, constantly at their beck and call, constantly being touched, hugged, grabbed, clung to, or having to hold one of them with no help, no breaks...there is a thing called being "touched out." It's where one is so overwhelmed and over stimulated by being (by necessity) the only one to provide for the needs and wellbeing of everyone else, the thought of being touched by anyone else for any reason, especially an adult that refuses to help relieve those feelings of being overwhelmed and "touched out" is enough to make any woman push him away.


So to you, chores equals sex?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AndStilliRise said:


> There's no trigger. Lol. Funny that someone dares to disagree with the male masses and it's must be wounded woman that hasn't dealt with her pain. GTFOH.
> 
> My main point is that this doesn't just happen. Women don't just stop having sex with their man for no reason. Not blaming him, but saying there is a very high likelihood that there have been ongoing issues between them that haven't been addressed. He said they haven't had sex for 3 years, but then he leaves for 10 months. I mean, unless he's in the military, which he did not indicate he is, then he had a choice. He had a choice to find a job closer to home to work on their marriage. If they have had problems for (at least) 3 years, leaving for one of those years is not going to make things better. At all. In fact, it is going to do the exact opposite.


You dont' get it. To most men off working to support a family in earnest, coming home after 10 mos to a W who says no sex I'm too stressed the H would start looking for a new wife.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> There's no trigger. Lol. Funny that someone dares to disagree with the male masses and it's must be wounded woman that hasn't dealt with her pain. GTFOH.
> 
> My main point is that this doesn't just happen. Women don't just stop having sex with their man for no reason. Not blaming him, but saying there is a very high likelihood that there have been ongoing issues between them that haven't been addressed. He said they haven't had sex for 3 years, but then he leaves for 10 months. I mean, unless he's in the military, which he did not indicate he is, then he had a choice. He had a choice to find a job closer to home to work on their marriage. If they have had problems for (at least) 3 years, leaving for one of those years is not going to make things better. At all. In fact, it is going to do the exact opposite.


How do you know they didn't both agree to him going over seas?

How do you know what just happened is she was out with her friends and some guy started hitting on here and she liked it?

Why doesn't she have a responsibility to keep her word and to talk to him about being "touched out?"?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

There are clearly issues pre-dating his time away. I must say I do agree with the fact that he could have chosen a different job, in order to be at home more often, with his wife and his kids. Maybe he couldn't, but a marriage is a compromise. And women don't just stop having sex with their husband for 3 years if there isn't a major issue going on.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

sokillme said:


> How do you know they didn't both agree to him going over seas?
> 
> How do you know what just happened is she was out with her friends and some guy started hitting on here and she liked it?
> 
> Why doesn't she have a responsibility to keep her word and to talk to him about being "touched out?"?


She wasn't touched out. That was a theory another poster spun.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> And women don't just stop having sex with their husband for 3 years if there isn't a major issue going on.


Truth.

And more importantly, after 3 years they don’t suddenly change their tune and want to start having wild monkey sex with their husband that they have been rejecting for the past 3 years.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Yep Oldshirt, the three years will soon be four and then five, et centra.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

sokillme said:


> How do you know they didn't both agree to him going over seas?


They don't but this assumption fits a preferred narrative. 


sokillme said:


> How do you know what just happened is she was out with her friends and some guy started hitting on here and she liked it?


They don't but this assumption fits a preferred narrative.


sokillme said:


> Why doesn't she have a responsibility to keep her word and to talk to him about being "touched out?"?


Because any man who has the gull to think his wife should not be repulsed by getting intimate with him has to be in the wrong. Again, it fits a preferred narrative.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

sokillme said:


> I mean is don't make excuses for her, about how you were over seas or lost in your job. She could have just as easily told you how unhappy she was if that was the case.


What? I’ve never worked overseas. That is the OP. It is he who worked for 10 months overseas and then came home to his wife that won’t have sex with him


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Did you have sex with anyone else that in that ten month period you were away?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> There's no trigger. Lol. Funny that someone dares to disagree with the male masses and it's must be wounded woman that hasn't dealt with her pain. GTFOH.
> 
> My main point is that this doesn't just happen. *Women don't just stop having sex with their Not blaming him,* but saying there is a very high likelihood that there have been ongoing issues between them that haven't been addressed. He said they haven't had sex for 3 years, but then he leaves for 10 months. I mean, unless he's in the military, which he did not indicate he is, then he had a choice. He had a choice to find a job closer to home to work on their marriage. If they have had problems for (at least) 3 years, leaving for one of those years is not going to make things better. At all. In fact, it is going to do the exact opposite.


agreed. She’s been cheating for 3 years.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> Lol! No pain here, but your fake concern is noted. On the contrary, it seems those projecting are the ones crying "cheater!"
> 
> Thank you for your service. I'm a 22 year military wife myself so I totally get it. My husband is both an OEF and OIF veteran. I was a sahm for a number of those years when we lived overseas. This was not a problem we ever had either. But I also didn't have a husband that felt like doing some chores entitled him to my body. He was interested in connecting, not using me as his receptacle or as a reward for doing the bare minimum.
> 
> And when a woman, a mom, has three kids and* 1is needed by them every minute,* 2*constantly at their beck and call,* 3*constantly being touched, hugged, grabbed, clung to, or having to hold one of them* with no help, no breaks...there is a thing called being "touched out." It's where one is so overwhelmed and over stimulated by being (by necessity) the only one to provide for the needs and wellbeing of everyone else, the thought of being touched by anyone else for any reason, especially an adult that refuses to help relieve those feelings of being overwhelmed and "touched out" is enough to make any woman push him away.


* see 1-3. Anyone that does these things is not teaching their child to be a healthy person.
Kids shouldn’t need you every minute”, a parent shouldn’t be at their child’s “beckon call”, nor should a parent allow themselves to be “clung to constantly”, or constantly have to hold their child.

But since the OP’s wife has gone to go clubbing, etc, I seriously doubt she’s the type of crazy helicopter parent that does these things. Good chance she neglects them as bad as she neglects her husband who has the bad manners to “feel entitled to his wife’s body”. That’s laughable. This guy is spassive that he has been without sex for three years, finances her lifestyle, doesn’t get intimacy of any kind after a 10 year deployment....

I just disagree wholeheartedly with everything you’ve said other than correctly surmising that there was a problem long before the ten month deployment and whatever the problem was before, hasn’t changed.

Alk we “know”is that he brings home the bacon, he never gets sex, his wife stays home with the kids and she enjoys going clubbing with the gals. How is it you feel he is to blame for all this?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> She has been managing a household with three children ALONE for almost a year. During a pandemic that is in and if itself incredibly stressful. But you pay the bills and do some chores and she owes you, right? She's been handling the entire mental load of life for months and months and you come home and expect her to start putting out on top of that? How about reaching out to her? Take care of her emotional needs that have not been met while you were gone? Start reading on what mental load really is and see how that affects a woman, her moods, her emotions, and most of all, her libido.
> 
> Dude, take care of your wife first. Not how you think she needs it, how she actually needs it.


yes it is stressful.

i had to hold the fort down with two kids and a fairly high level executive job while wife traveled for work four days each week for many years. i bascially was Mister Mom, doing all the cooking, homework, etc while they were in there mid school years.

i was a little resentful at times. she was dressing up for clients and going out to restaurants every day at work, and when she came home she was dressing casually and NOT wanting to go out to restaurants (where as I needed the break from cooking).

the point: being a one person mom/dad when the other is out of town working is stressful, and you do get tired.

On the other hand, if she came home from work and said "i am too tired to get laid for this weekend", holy crap there would have been major trouble.

so not sure if we were able to make it work due to resilient personalities? or if i just would not put up with any bull whatsoever regarding to sex when we were together. but it really did not screw up our sex life.

I would say to the OP, lay down the law. say you need sex, were thinking about sex for 10 months when you were away, and if you can not get laid at home...what is the point of staying married? make her realize how serious this is, and that you will NOT put up with that sort of b.s.

also, if me and my wife could do it with us both working full time jobs, your wife is "exhausted" just staying at home? really?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jsmart said:


> You better go James Bond on her devices. Check her phone, tablet, laptop, emails, text, social media. A healthy early 30s woman, who goes clubbing, is not going to go 3 years with no sex.
> 
> I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife has been having a LTR affair. That would explain why a wife who hadn’t seen her husband in 10 months doesn’t want to have sex with him. She doesn’t want to cheat on her man by having sex with you. The AP most likely meets her at the club. Look at her text with the friends that she goes to the club. They are very likely covering for her.


or another possibility, he came home right when she realized she had an STD that takes time to recover from with the penicillin. is keeping him at arm's length until it is cured?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> or another possibility, he came home right when she realized she had an STD that takes time to recover from with the penicillin. is keeping him at arm's length until it is cured?


It’s been three years since he slapped nasties. 
he hasn’t been getting any, isn’t now. Just what every man always wanted, a stay at home party girl who gives it up to everyone but him. Hypothetically.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s been three years since he slapped nasties.
> he hasn’t been getting any, isn’t now. Just what every man always wanted, a stay at home party girl who gives it up to everyone but him. Hypothetically.


good point.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Any person with holding sex from a spouse with no explanation for an extended period of time shouldn’t be married. Sex is part of being married. It’s cruel to with hold Sw when the other spouse expects/wants it.

A realistic exception is a serious illness. But selfish isn’t an excuse.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Oh please.
> 
> He said he was overseas working. He's the only person in the marriage with a job. Now he's the bad guy for having a job that required him to be working overseas? How do you know the job market for someone with his skills where he is located, that pays enough to support his *non-working * wife and their kids?
> 
> If it is so easy to find a job to solely support 4 people, SHE should have done it, then.


How do you know the job market doesn't work for him? Riiiiiight. Not in this economy. Everyone everywhere is hiring. Barring military duty, which is a different animal, a man committed to his family and making his marriage work would not take off across the world to work for months and months when it is clear his marriage is in trouble then come home and gripe about how things are falling apart.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> You're crayfishing away from my question ASR and attempting to distract via referring to semantics, or linguistic structures or the hell with it, what he meant by the word, let. Again, how does it square with being too tired, stressed out for normal sexual relations with her husband, "touched out", but willing to go out clubbing and likely associating/dancing with other guys?


You clearly don't understand what "touched out" means. Further, why do you assume she is associating and dancing with other guys. You already have it in your head that she is cheating so you are making up scenarios not mentioned. And if he is so concerned, why did he "let" her go? Why didn't they go together to spend time together?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> How do you know the job market doesn't work for him? Riiiiiight. Not in this economy. Everyone everywhere is hiring. Barring military duty, which is a different animal, a man committed to his family and making his marriage work would not take off across the world to work for months and months when it is clear his marriage is in trouble then come home and gripe about how things are falling apart.


Yes he would. Some jobs require you to be away from home like OP had to. Jobs that pay enough to support 4 people. And he's shouldering that alone. Are you from OP's country???? Do you know what his type of work is?

At this point all you are doing is being argumentative, spewing negative fake assertions about the OP, and thread jacking.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> You clearly don't understand what "touched out" means. Further, why do you assume she is associating and dancing with other guys. You already have it in your head that she is cheating so you are making up scenarios not mentioned. And if he is so concerned, why did he "let" her go? Why didn't they go together to spend time together?


You clearly don't understand that people with kids OPs kids' age shouldn't be touched out unless something whacky is going on, and anyway that's just a fantasy of yours. OP NEVER talked about that as any factor.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Livvie said:


> You clearly don't understand that people with kids OPs kids' age shouldn't be touched out unless something whacky is going on, and anyway that's just a fantasy of yours. OP NEVER talked about that as any factor.


Because he's unplugged and unaware. That's exactly the issue. Thank you for helping to prove my point.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Yes he would. Some jobs require you to be away from home like OP had to. Jobs that pay enough to support 4 people. And he's shouldering that alone. Are you from OP's country???? Do you know what his type of work is?
> 
> At this point all you are doing is being argumentative, spewing negative fake assertions about the OP, and thread jacking.


LOL. It's not thread jacking just because you don't agree with me. My posts have been directly about the original post.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> So to you, chores equals sex?


Nope, but it sounds like the OP thinks so.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You dont' get it. To most men off working to support a family in earnest, coming home after 10 mos to a W who says no sex I'm too stressed the H would start looking for a new wife.


I get it, I just don't agree. This isn't a new issue for him. They have obviously been having issues for years and he thinks leaving her alone for nearly a year with 3 kids to handle everything by herself is going to solve the no sex problem that already existed.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

This reminds me so much of @Cromer 's story where his wife didn't have sex with him for a decade after he returned home from military deployment only for him to find out she withheld sex due to a STD she contracted from a gym-rat she was stooping while he was away and it just became the norm.

After divorcing her, he came to find that she had also betrayed him with multiple other men during their marriage. I'd be in detective mode were I you OP.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> I get it, I just don't agree. This isn't a new issue for him. They have obviously been having issues for years and he thinks leaving her alone for nearly a year with 3 kids to handle everything by herself is going to solve the no sex problem that already existed.


I guess he should have quit his job then, instead of going where they assigned him. Leaving the family with no source of income. That would have fixed the no sex issue right up!!! Not.

OP, unfortunately this poster is set to bash you no matter what.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AndStilliRise said:


> I get it, I just don't agree. This isn't a new issue for him. They have obviously been having issues for years and he thinks leaving her alone for nearly a year with 3 kids to handle everything by herself is going to solve the no sex problem that already existed.


Pshaw now. That's living in a fantasy world. 
After after ten mos, first is physical reconnection ie sex, then talk.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> or another possibility, he came home right when she realized she had an STD that takes time to recover from with the penicillin. is keeping him at arm's length until it is cured?


Good point. We'll never know.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AndStilliRise said:


> You clearly don't understand what "touched out" means. Further, why do you assume she is associating and dancing with other guys. You already have it in your head that she is cheating so you are making up scenarios not mentioned. And if he is so concerned, why did he "let" her go? Why didn't they go together to spend time together?


Clearly you don't have a real grasp on this whole situation. You keep trying to make it about what it's not, and not focusing on OP's information.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Clearly you don't have a real grasp on this whole situation. You keep trying to make it about what it's not, and not focusing on OP's information.


Actually I'm not. I'm giving another side. You don't know what it is. Neither do it. Everyone is screaming CHEATER without giving it another thought. If they haven't had sex for 3 years, why is he under the assumption that she is suddenly going to want it with him just because he's been gone? It's not like they had this fantastic sex life before he left and this is unusual for them. It went back to the status quo.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I guess he should have quit his job then, instead of going where they assigned him. Leaving the family with no source of income. That would have fixed the no sex issue right up!!! Not.
> 
> OP, unfortunately this poster is set to bash you no matter what.


Saving your marriage takes work. Sometimes that means making huge changes. He's delusional if he thinks a troubled marriage is going to get better on its own when he leaves for months at a time. But he did some chores so he should be good.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AndStilliRise said:


> Saving your marriage takes work. Sometimes that means making huge changes. He's delusional if he thinks a troubled marriage is going to get better on its own when he leaves for months at a time. But he did some chores so he should be good.


A classic response by one who refuses to see both sides due to some unknown reason. Ie refuses to entertain any other reality other than it's obviously the Hs fault.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> A classic response by one who refuses to see both sides due to some unknown reason. Ie refuses to entertain any other reality other than it's obviously the Hs fault.


No one can see both sides. We only know his side from his perspective. You have decided she's a cheater based soley on the OP saying she won't have sex after he comes home from being gone, despite the fact that they hadn't had sex for 2+ years before. Talk about refusing to entertain any other reality. Wow.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AndStilliRise said:


> No one can see both sides. We only know his side from his perspective. You have decided she's a cheater based soley on the OP saying she won't have sex after he comes home from being gone, despite the fact that they hadn't had sex for 2+ years before. Talk about refusing to entertain any other reality. Wow.


Where did I state she was cheating? 

Btw, do try and look at it from an honest Hs point of view who's been looking forward to closeness with his W after a very long time of working and keeping his family fed.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AndStilliRise said:


> No one can see both sides. We only know his side from his perspective. You have decided she's a cheater based soley on the OP saying she won't have sex after he comes home from being gone, despite the fact that they hadn't had sex for 2+ years before. Talk about refusing to entertain any other reality. Wow.


Cheating isn't guaranteed, but you still can't rule it out. It would have just existed before the 10 months away. It is a fairly logical assumption from a man. It is a logical thing to investigate. The vast majority of men can't imagine going without sex for a few weeks, let alone months or years. Because of that the natural thought is that sexual relief must be coming from someone other than her husband. She could also be stressed, she could have decided to be celibate, or she may have a favorite toy, we don't know. 

I think the OP has checked out anyway. 2 posts by him and 120 without him. 

@Esco600 if you are still around, please give more details.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Where did I state she was cheating?
> 
> Btw, do try and look at it from an honest Hs point of view who's been looking forward to closeness with his W after a very long time of working and keeping his family fed.


I get it. I really do. But they weren't close before he left. Leaving for long periods of time, even if well intentioned, when things aren't great is not going to bring them closer. It's going to create more distance. It's going to create more of a sense of independence and 'I don't need you' type of attitude. Long distance is hard even in the best of relationships. They are practically doomed when the relationship isn't strong to begin with.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Cheating isn't guaranteed, but you still can't rule it out. It would have just existed before the 10 months away. It is a fairly logical assumption from a man. It is a logical thing to investigate. The vast majority of men can't imagine going without sex for a few weeks, let alone months or years. Because of that the natural thought is that sexual relief must be coming from someone other than her husband. She could also be stressed, she could have decided to be celibate, or she may have a favorite toy, we don't know.
> 
> I think the OP has checked out anyway. 2 posts by him and 120 without him.
> 
> @Esco600 if you are still around, please give more details.


I'm not completely ruling it out. Of course it's a possibility. But that was ONLY possibility anyone on this thread was giving. I do agree with you that three years is a long time. But it doesn't mean she is cheating. She might be. She might not be. But to jump immediately to that conclusion without entertaining any other explanation is ridiculous. 

I am going to bounce your question back to you as food for thought, if he hasn't had sex with her for 3 years, where is he getting it from? Because I don't know any man that would remain sexless for that long.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> Because I don't know any man that would remain sexless for that long.


There's several (circa 20+ years for one of them) who have visited TAM Forums, through the years I have been here. Although I certainly wouldn't put up with that kind of nonsense. For reasons that I cannot Grok, there are evidently some men who seem to settle for exactly that.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I will also add that for the men and women, who suffer through sexless marriages without seeking sex elsewhere. Though I may not understand settling for that. Since I am not walking in their shoes, I do appreciate they have reasons that make sense to them for suffering through it. And all they are doing is the best they can, so they certainly aren't lesser people for it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AndStilliRise said:


> I'm not completely ruling it out. Of course it's a possibility. But that was ONLY possibility anyone on this thread was giving. I do agree with you that three years is a long time. But it doesn't mean she is cheating. She might be. She might not be. But to jump immediately to that conclusion without entertaining any other explanation is ridiculous.
> 
> I am going to bounce your question back to you as food for thought, *if he hasn't had sex with her for 3 years, where is he getting it from?* Because I don't know any man that would remain sexless for that long.


I thought the same thing and I believe someone did ask that somewhere in this thread. 

We cant give accurate advice without more details from the OP.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

AndStilliRise said:


> Because he's unplugged and unaware. That's exactly the issue. Thank you for helping to prove my point.


let me guess…. you majored in women’s studies….. assuming (bid) you went to college.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I mean, he's been away for 10 months, no sex for 3 years before that, and he gets back expecting sex? Maybe he thought that she would have missed him. And maybe she did miss him, but not that way...  To me, all of this indicates that the OP hasn't got the faintest clue about what is going on with his wife.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> What is scary are all the men accusing this woman of cheating. The fact that none of you can see that he is more concerned about getting his rocks off than the emotional welfare of the wife is so much more is frightening.


What color is the sky in your world?

So OP comes home after being gone for TEN months. His wife claims she's tired and stressed taking care of the home and the kids. Ok understandable. 

However OP is saying he hasn't had sex with his wife not just the ten months he was away but for THREE F'n YEARS!!!

So he hasn't gotten his "rocks off" with his WIFE (that's right his wife). She doesn't seem too tired to go out clubbing with her friends.

How dare a man who's been away for ten months busting his ass providing for his family (and having to do so where he can't see his kids every day) come home and want to be intimate with his wife (not after ten months but THREE YRS)???

What a sick and deranged man!!

"Frightening"????


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Personal said:


> I will also add that for the men and women, who suffer through sexless marriages without seeking sex elsewhere. Though I may not understand settling for that. Since I am not walking in their shoes, I do appreciate they have reasons that make sense to them for suffering through it. And all they are doing is the best they can, so they certainly aren't lesser people for it.


as all-important as sex is to many of us, there are PLENTY of people who are not interested in sex. face it, people are strange


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## TomJohnson (Nov 13, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> Thank you for your comment and sharing your opinion - I can assure you I don't feel attacked, and I appreciate all other opinions because that's how I learn and understand, by having as much differing information as possible! (whether I agree or not)
> 
> With almost everything that I post, I'm doing it from a "MY perspective" view...meaning, from how I am seeing things, or from how I would have reacted, etc. And I NEVER feel like I hold the supreme position...it's just MINE. I know I could always be wrong. If I ever sound like I am not considering things from another person's view, it's either lazy writing on my part, or I'm trying very hard to get a point across and I sound harsher than I mean to. That's not to say I'm not stubborn...I certainly can be! Lol!!
> 
> ...


I appreciate where you are coming from but, many men are made to feel like their desiring sex when they have to "endure" having to deal with the kids. So yes he should take on some of the responsibility but to say he baited and switched her? When? Should he have left or cheated after year 1 or 2?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> You clearly don't understand what "touched out" means. Further, why do you assume she is associating and dancing with other guys. You already have it in your head that she is cheating so you are making up scenarios not mentioned. And if he is so concerned, why did he "let" her go? Why didn't they go together to spend time together?


You're either Jennifer Psaki doing her thing on this site or the most naive woman I've ever heard. I don't know whether or not this chick is cheating, I'd bet if it were your brother in this cat's shoes, you'd be singing a different tune. Perhaps if you could go back an look at my post and quote me on where I said she was cheating. In the meantime, answer my question "how does it square with being too tired, stressed out for normal sexual relations with her husband, "touched out", but willing to go out clubbing? You keep flying in everybody's face like a bantam hen about assumption they may make that she's cheating but you don't have the guts to tackle my question, do you? You must be a world class champeen at dodge ball.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s cheating. At the very least, she’s cheating her husband out of a healthy sex life, his money by using him for a wallet, and cheating him by giving her attention everywhere but him. Oh, he’s been cheated.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Whether she's cheating or not, her old man is left with a wife who seems to do, according to him, whatever she wants, including clubbing, and cutting off sex which is an integral, necessary, and required part of any marriage unless both parties agree otherwise. My take is just divorce the iceburg and move on to greener pastures. If she is doing one or more other guys, who cares. He'll have somebody who appreciates getting their things together more that once or twice in a decade and be kicking his own azz for not seeing the light earlier. I mean why live like that. She's breached the marital contract so cancel her ticket .


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Personal said:


> There's several (circa 20+ years for one of them) who have visited TAM Forums, through the years I have been here. Although I certainly wouldn't put up with that kind of nonsense. For reasons that I cannot Grok, there are evidently some men who seem to settle for exactly that.


So it stands to reason that perhaps she isn't getting it elsewhere as so many have accused her of, maybe she has been sexless too. We don't know one way or another but people are quick to judge her sexual activity saying there is no way she is going without, but yet have no problem saying the exact opposite of the OP.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

TomJohnson said:


> I appreciate where you are coming from but, many men are made to feel like their desiring sex when they have to "endure" having to deal with the kids. So yes he should take on some of the responsibility but to say he baited and switched her? When? Should he have left or cheated after year 1 or 2?


You are reading too deeply into my comment...what I meant and put in parentheses in my comment was that from HER perspective, he is changing his stance on his willingness to accept her refusal to have sex. I DO NOT believe she is in the right, or he is in the wrong, not at all!! I only was pointing out the fact that because he gave her the wrong impression, she was going to be even more resistant to accepting that he needed and wanted sex with her than if he had addressed it right away, within months.

I UNDERSTAND WHY he didn't...but that doesn't change the fact that the consequences of that are most likely he will never be able to rekindle a satisfying, loving sex life with her now, not without being willing to blow up his relationship with her.

And to answer your final question, in MY opinion, YES, he absolutely should have addressed this and made it clear he was willing to leave her if she wasn't willing to have sex, well before the first year was up.

That is exactly what I did with my STBX (my limit was 3 months of no sex and no attempt to resolve that), and standing up for my needs that way uncovered a swamp of selfishness that he had been hiding from me.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> So it stands to reason that perhaps she isn't getting it elsewhere as so many have accused her of, maybe she has been sexless too. We don't know one way or another but people are quick to judge her sexual activity saying there is no way she is going without, but yet have no problem saying the exact opposite of the OP.


Let me explain Mr. Esco's problem where even the most staunch feminist and man hater can understand it. It ain't that she may be cheating. Its that she's a piss poor wife when it come to giving the guy a little poon tang at least once or twice a month and goes to bitc......errrrrr, gets upset that he would even attempt to get in her pants since she’s so busy with managing the home. Yet, according to him, she has enough energy stored to go out clubbing; a subject you won't touch with a ten foot pole. The fact is, she's simply lost romantic interest in the Esco and what used to be a tingle when he was fertilizing the seed of his thee children, has now become a chill.
It could be Esco lacks the technique to seduce his old lady. It could be she's got some friendly Henry keeping her pet beaver warm and does a better job of it than Esco. It could be she's moved from a mixed doubles match to women's doubles matches. It could be she's turned off to sex. Who knows. The untenable problem for Esco's marriage is his old lady ain't giving it up even sparingly and likely never will again, for him at least. He's got three choices, stay married to the iceburg and rely on widow thumb and her four daughters to "get his rocks off" as you put it, stay married and look for chicks on the side ( which requires keeping a lot of balls in the air), ditch the marriage and find a woman with a more normal sex drive, which is what I recommend and the best solution. There more than an outside chance he'll end up banging other women, if he ain't already and evidentially find one he wants to replace her with. 
In respect to your carping about men jumping on the "she's cheating" band wagon, maybe you're like a line from the play Hamlet , "The lady doth protest too much, methinks".


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> Its that she's a piss poor wife when it come to giving the guy a little poon tang at least once or twice a month and goes to bitc......errrrrr, gets upset that he would even attempt to get in her pants since she’s so busy with managing the home.


Unfortunately, it's the OP's fault too for not leaving such a piss poor wife. 3 years of no sex is silly. If the OP doesn't like it and complaints here after 3 years, well, he's a fool. She is not going to change now, so the only options for the OP are to ask for an open marriage or divorce. He has allowed this silliness to go on for too long.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Amen to that Absentia.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

OP has gone like the wind.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> OR... It could be he's a piss poor husband and that's why she has no desire to let him get near her with a ten foot pole.


This is a junk post, you've done nothing but make negative comments and wild negative assumptions about the OP based on nothing at all. I'm very happy to be putting you on ignore, because it's just gross to me.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Livvie said:


> This is a junk post, you've done nothing but make negative comments and wild negative assumptions about the OP based on nothing at all. I'm very happy to be putting you on ignore, because it's just gross to me.


T/J warning…
i implied it before but her posts, sound like all the young women i‘ve known that were or had recently been majoring in “women’s studies”

I always found it interesting & confusing…. With all the great and wonderful thing women have done and brought to this world… I would assume (yes I know) that a young lady with such a major would feel happy and empowered. Yet all (that I have know) came off bitter, oppressed, and often depressed. 

T/J over…


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Livvie said:


> This is a junk post, you've done nothing but make negative comments and wild negative assumptions about the OP based on nothing at all. I'm very happy to be putting you on ignore, because it's just gross to me.


Go for it. There are wildly negative assumptions about the wife too. If it's good for the goose...


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

seadoug105 said:


> T/J warning…
> i implied it before but her posts, sound like all the young women i‘ve known that were or had recently been majoring in “women’s studies”
> 
> I always found it interesting & confusing…. With all the great and wonderful thing women have done and brought to this world… I would assume (yes I know) that a young lady with such a major would feel happy and empowered. Yet all (that I have know) came off bitter, oppressed, and often depressed.
> ...


Lol.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

OP, I hope you are still here and reading. If you need instructions, as a relatively new user, on how to put a user, let's say @AndStilliRise as an hypothetical example, on Ignore I will be happy to provide them. Ignoring someone makes all their comments disappear and it sure does sanitize a thread.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Livvie said:


> She isn't living the life of a single mother. She's living the life of a woman who has a man fully financially supporting her, and doesn't work.


And the husband is overseas. Effectively leaving her as single mother taking care of it all.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

AndStilliRise said:


> She has been managing a household with three children ALONE for almost a year. During a pandemic that is in and if itself incredibly stressful. But you pay the bills and do some chores and she owes you, right? She's been handling the entire mental load of life for months and months and you come home and expect her to start putting out on top of that? How about reaching out to her? Take care of her emotional needs that have not been met while you were gone? Start reading on what mental load really is and see how that affects a woman, her moods, her emotions, and most of all, her libido.
> 
> Dude, take care of your wife first. Not how you think she needs it, how she actually needs it.


she can't sleep with her husband once after 10 months away? I don't care how much household managing and kid woes she has. The dude was away from 10 months. Think about that. she can't give him time alone with her?


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Longtime Hubby said:


> she can't sleep with her husband once after 10 months away? I don't care how much household managing and kid woes she has. The dude was away from 10 months. Think about that. she can't give him time alone with her?


They weren't having sex well before that. Not sure why he thinks it would be any different all of a sudden just because he wasn't around for an extended period of time.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

AndStilliRise said:


> They weren't having sex well before that. Not sure why he thinks it would be any different all of a sudden just because he wasn't around for an extended period of time.


good point


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Nailhead said:


> And the husband is overseas. Effectively leaving her as single mother taking care of it all.


Yeah....a mother who has a husband working to provide for the family so she doesn't have to. 

And what you wrote is an insult to all single mothers who also have to work full time. This woman has an extra 40 plus hours a week over a mother who works.

OPs wife is a SAHM who had a husband who was assigned overseas.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

seadoug105 said:


> T/J warning…
> i implied it before but her posts, sound like all the young women i‘ve known that were or had recently been majoring in “women’s studies”
> 
> I always found it interesting & confusing…. With all the great and wonderful thing women have done and brought to this world… I would assume (yes I know) that a young lady with such a major would feel happy and empowered. Yet all (that I have know) came off bitter, oppressed, and often depressed.
> ...


Nah, me thinks she just hates men.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> OR... It could be he's a piss poor husband and that's why she has no desire to let him get near her with a ten foot pole.


Absolutely. Maybe old Esco could answer a few questions in that regard. What about that Esco? Is there anything youre doing, done or not doing that gives your wife heartburn over your actions?


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> Nah, me thinks she just hates men.


Lol. No. I love men. I'm happily married to one and we definitely don't have a lack of sex problem. I don't hate the OP either. I am just pointing out that there is very likely another side (or at least more to the story) and that there is a lot of hypocrisy in many of these posts.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

^ there is ALWAYS more to the story.

but the facts of the OP's tale of woe are compelling. no sex for 10 months, then he gets home and gets the blue balls treatment. that just is not right


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> Lol. No. I love men. I'm happily married to one and we definitely don't have a lack of sex problem. I don't hate the OP either. I am just pointing out that there is very likely another side (or at least more to the story) and that there is a lot of hypocrisy in many of these posts.


So with your logic, "that there is very likely another side to the story", how do we know you're "happily married". Because you say so?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No sex for 3 years, overseas possibly risking his life, paying ALL the bills, hasn’t seen his wife for 10 months........ and he can’t even get a decent screw for his service to both his country and his family??????????????

what is the other side of the story? Nobody knows. He hasn’t said much. But at this point.... I feel bad for the guy. But it’s his own fault he is still in this and being treated like this.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

sideways said:


> So with your logic, "that there is very likely another side to the story", how do we know you're "happily married". Because you say so?


Touche. You are entitled to come to whatever conclusion you want about me. Doesn't bother me one bit. Except this thread isn't about me or my marriage. Please feel free to start an independent thread on that topic if you would like to discuss it with others so as not to hijack this one.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> Touche. You are entitled to come to whatever conclusion you want about me. Doesn't bother me one bit. Except this thread isn't about me or my marriage. Please feel free to start an independent thread on that topic if you would like to discuss it with others so as not to hijack this one.


Then don't start spewing about your marriage and sex life. If you want to talk about that feel free to start another thread.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> REDACTED


You feminists like to spout this “entitled to her body” bs constantly. It’s your go to phrase.
I have a shocking idea for you: There are a lot of women that want their husband in bed as bad as he wants her after 10 months. And yes, she wants “his body”. There’s no “entitlement” going on. They just want one another and it’s kind of a good feeling. I’m sorry you don’t know about this kind of thing and haven’t felt that way before when your husband had been gone a while.

YOU have pretended I’ve implied that he’s entitled to sex. What I’m saying is after ten months overseas, a normal loving wife with even a reasonable sex drive would be starving for her husband.  She’s not. And for whatever reason, he might as well divorce her because after 3 years, whatever has happened..... she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for the guy at all.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> Perhaps you should read all the posts. I was responding to someone calling me a man hater, not comparing my personal life to anyone else's. Move on and stay on topic.


Perhaps you should learn how to comprehend what you read. They said you hate men....they didn't ask about your sex life so stay on topic because I don't think anyone gives a rats @$$ about your sex life.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> You feminists like to spout this “entitled to her body” bs constantly. It’s your go to phrase.
> I have a shocking idea for you: There are a lot of women that want their husband in bed as bad as he wants her after 10 months. And yes, she wants “his body”. There’s no “entitlement” going on. They just want one another and it’s kind of a good feeling. I’m sorry you don’t know about this kind of thing and haven’t felt that way before when your husband had been gone a while.
> 
> YOU have pretended I’ve implied that he’s e future to sex. What I’m saying is after ten months overseas, a normal loving wife with even a reasonable sex drive would be starving for her husband. She’s not. And for whatever reason, he might as well divorce her because after 3 years, whatever has happened..... she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for the guy at all.


Except this was not 10 months. There has been no sex for 3 years. It was a sexless marriage for over 2 years, then he leaves for an extended period of time (regardless of the reason) where there was no connection between the two of them. Yet he expects things to suddenly be different when he returns. That's not how it works.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

sideways said:


> Perhaps you should learn how to comprehend what you read. They said you hate men....they didn't ask about your sex life so stay on topic because I don't think anyone gives a rats @$$ about your sex life.


Then why do you continue to comment on it? I've moved on.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> Except this was not 10 months. There has been no sex for 3 years. It was a sexless marriage for over 2 years, then he leaves for an extended period of time (regardless of the reason) where there was no connection between the two of them. Yet he expects things to suddenly be different when he returns. That's not how it works.


I don’t disagree with that. The OP neds to clear up what he believes the problem is. Why his wife doesn’t want him anymore. Regardless of what’s gone on, maybe he still loves her and had some hope a 10 month absence would make her heart grown fonder. Any blame a guy for hoping. But he should move on and leave her.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

AndStilliRise said:


> Perhaps you should read all the posts. I was responding to someone calling me a man hater, not comparing my personal life to anyone else's. Move on and stay on topic.


You are absolutely a man hater and a feminist. Came shining through on your fist post. You have provided no background. You appeared like a fart in the wind. Something drove you here. Your marriage isn’t as tight as you want it? You seldom put out for your husband? Maybe he’s checking out other women? Maybe he checked out all together? One thing we know for sure…you’re here and you’re biased. Maybe he’s a “narc”. Maybe he “verbally abuses” you. Maybe he’s “gaslighting “ you. Whatever the case (and I don’t give two craps), don’t spew your trash on OP and console his sexless, lazy wife. I’ve got no use for women like you. Poof!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Woah you two. get a room!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

OP needs to find Essie May!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


Divorce....she has someone else.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> You are absolutely a man hater and a feminist.


You write feminist like it's a bad thing. 

Yet I'm 25+ years into a splendid sexual relationship, with my Feminist (former Feminist activist/organiser/leader) wife. And I think most men would thank their lucky stars, if they were to have such a splendid sexual relationship with a partner like my wife.

I mean really, so many men on TAM complain about being with wives, who don't put out, or the sex wanes for months through years with children, or they don't do certain things or much at all etc.

Yet throughout our time together, the sex hasn't waned for us (except for about a week, many years ago), with it being very varied, with high quality and frequency. Plus even as we are now in our 50s, our shared repertoire still continues to grow. While we also get on very well and she accepts me as I am, without trying to change me into someone who I am not.

So I think many men would do well, to find a great woman who is a Feminist.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Personal said:


> You write feminist like it's a bad thing.
> 
> Yet I'm 25+ years into a splendid sexual relationship, with my Feminist (former Feminist activist/organiser/leader) wife. And I think most men would thank their lucky stars, if they were to have such a splendid sexual relationship with a partner like my wife.
> 
> ...


No thanks! And I feel I should actually punctuate that with a sentence containing some expletives, but I'll leave it as is.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> You feminists like to spout this “entitled to her body” bs constantly. It’s your go to phrase.



this is right out of the Andrea Dworkin playbook. Taught in all American universities like she's Plato. Much of what Dworkin spewed is just another social construct. the one thing they reject is any sort of criticism of their position.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

OP last posted on post #7 I don't get why these "discussions" go on for so long on some of these threads without the person who came for advice.


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## Dana W. (Oct 3, 2021)

She is definitely having sex. Unfortunately just not with her spouse. Pray you two can get to a common ground


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The OP made 2 posts back when he first signed up and hasn’t been back since. 

We’re just entertaining ourselves here at this time.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> You are absolutely a man hater and a feminist. Came shining through on your fist post. You have provided no background. You appeared like a fart in the wind. Something drove you here. Your marriage isn’t as tight as you want it? You seldom put out for your husband? Maybe he’s checking out other women? Maybe he checked out all together? One thing we know for sure…you’re here and you’re biased. Maybe he’s a “narc”. Maybe he “verbally abuses” you. Maybe he’s “gaslighting “ you. Whatever the case (and I don’t give two craps), don’t spew your trash on OP and console his sexless, lazy wife. I’ve got no use for women like you. Poof!


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Yeah....a mother who has a husband working to provide for the family so she doesn't have to.
> 
> And what you wrote is an insult to all single mothers who also have to work full time. This woman has an extra 40 plus hours a week over a mother who works.
> 
> OPs wife is a SAHM who had a husband who was assigned overseas.


Not sure where you feel I insulted anyone. Here husband is working over seas. She is taking care of the home front 24/7. EVERYTHING with exception of working for MONEY. Income that some women CHOOSE to do a well as handle the home.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> The OP made 2 posts back when he first signed up and hasn’t been back since.
> 
> We’re just entertaining ourselves here at this time.


I have to say that I am entertained!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RebuildingMe said:


> You appeared like a fart in the wind.


Well..

I'm stealing this of course.

I'm having a hard time expressing my appreciation for this brilliant phrase because I'm laughing so damn hard!!!😂


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

AndStilliRise said:


> Lol! No pain here, but your fake concern is noted. On the contrary, it seems those projecting are the ones crying "cheater!"
> 
> Thank you for your service. I'm a 22 year military wife myself so I totally get it. My husband is both an OEF and OIF veteran. I was a sahm for a number of those years when we lived overseas. This was not a problem we ever had either. But I also didn't have a husband that felt like doing some chores entitled him to my body. He was interested in connecting, not using me as his receptacle or as a reward for doing the bare minimum.
> 
> And when a woman, a mom, has three kids and is needed by them every minute, constantly at their beck and call, constantly being touched, hugged, grabbed, clung to, or having to hold one of them with no help, no breaks...there is a thing called being "touched out." It's where one is so overwhelmed and over stimulated by being (by necessity) the only one to provide for the needs and wellbeing of everyone else, the thought of being touched by anyone else for any reason, especially an adult that refuses to help relieve those feelings of being overwhelmed and "touched out" is enough to make any woman push him away.


If the mom has decided to be constantly available and prioritize the children over the marriage, refuse to get childcare, or refuse to set boundaries for herself and put a share of her mental energy and attention and affection for the father instead of the children, it should be unsurprising for a husband to divorce. Nobody wants to be second place in a relationship, not even to their own children.

Modern “mommy-martyrdom” is very anti-family in the long term.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> or another possibility, he came home right when she realized she had an STD that takes time to recover from with the penicillin. is keeping him at arm's length until it is cured?





Dictum Veritas said:


> This reminds me so much of @Cromer 's story where his wife didn't have sex with him for a decade after he returned home from military deployment only for him to find out she withheld sex due to a STD she contracted from a gym-rat she was stooping while he was away and it just became the norm.
> 
> After divorcing her, he came to find that she had also betrayed him with multiple other men during their marriage. I'd be in detective mode were I you OP.


I was catching up to see if any one else mentioned Cromer before i did. He needs to divorce her before he gets past the 10 yr mark. His state may require LT alimony after.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> You feminists like to spout this “entitled to her body” bs constantly. It’s your go to phrase.
> I have a shocking idea for you: There are a lot of women that want their husband in bed as bad as he wants her after 10 months. And yes, she wants “his body”. There’s no “entitlement” going on. They just want one another and it’s kind of a good feeling. I’m sorry you don’t know about this kind of thing and haven’t felt that way before when your husband had been gone a while.
> 
> YOU have pretended I’ve implied that he’s entitled to sex. What I’m saying is after ten months overseas, a normal loving wife with even a reasonable sex drive would be starving for her husband. She’s not. And for whatever reason, he might as well divorce her because after 3 years, whatever has happened..... she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for the guy at all.


Their head would explode if he cut off the money, only paid bills and food. No pocket money for her to go clubbing. Tell her get a job, she is not entitled to his paycheck!


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

MartinBeck said:


> If the mom has decided to be constantly available and prioritize the children over the marriage, refuse to get childcare, or refuse to set boundaries for herself and put a share of her mental energy and attention and affection for the father instead of the children, it should be unsurprising for a husband to divorce. Nobody wants to be second place in a relationship, not even to their own children.
> 
> Modern “mommy-martyrdom” is very anti-family in the long term.


In case you aren't paying attention, I was referring to her being home alone with 3 children as the only parent while he was gone for 10 months. If you want to talk about priorizing a marriage, leaving your spouse for nearly a year is not the way to do it. Looks like she was second place to his job.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> In case you aren't paying attention, I was referring to her being home alone with 3 children as the only parent while he was gone for 10 months. If you want to talk about priorizing a marriage, leaving your spouse for nearly a year is not the way to do it. Looks like she was second place to his job.



With a global pandemic and people all over the world losing their jobs and livelihood people are having to do whatever they have to do to provide for their family and here you are popping off that his wife "was second place to his job"???

Who are you to judge a man who's doing what he has to do to provide for his wife and three kids???

Did you ever think how hard this was for him to be away from his family? Maybe it wasn't what he wanted to do but NEEDED TO DO!!!

It's called manning up and making a HUGE sacrifice!!


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

sideways said:


> Lady, you are full of $h!T!!!
> 
> With a global pandemic and people all over the world losing their jobs and livelihood people are having to do whatever they have to do to provide for their family and here you are popping off that his wife "was second place to his job"???
> 
> ...


Justifying another’s actions can make it easier for one to justify their own similar actions, to themselves… or help to ease the guilt….


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

My apologies AndStilliRise as I was too harsh.

Just try to have some compassion for this man and doing what he needs to do to provide for his family even if it means taking a job in another country. In desperate times people have to do what they have to do.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MartinBeck said:


> If the mom has decided to be constantly available and prioritize the children over the marriage, refuse to get childcare, or refuse to set boundaries for herself and put a share of her mental energy and attention and affection for the father instead of the children, it should be unsurprising for a husband to divorce. Nobody wants to be second place in a relationship, not even to their own children.
> 
> Modern “mommy-martyrdom” is very anti-family in the long term.


This has always been dear Ws and my policy for 38 yrs. First we're a couple, that has kids and grandkids.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

MartinBeck said:


> If the mom has decided to be constantly available and prioritize the children over the marriage, refuse to get childcare, or refuse to set boundaries for herself and put a share of her mental energy and attention and affection for the father instead of the children, it should be unsurprising for a husband to divorce. Nobody wants to be second place in a relationship, not even to their own children.
> 
> Modern “mommy-martyrdom” is very anti-family in the long term.


This is true. I have to say I have heard of fathers doing this, too, though it is more rare.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Livvie said:


> This is true. I have to say I have heard of fathers doing this, too, though it is more rare.


Not sure if I would say rare but definitely less common (semantics I know).

and in some of those cases that is the excuse used for the wife to seek validation else where….


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

sideways said:


> My apologies AndStilliRise as I was too harsh.
> 
> Just try to have some compassion for this man and doing what he needs to do to provide for his family even if it means taking a job in another country. In desperate times people have to do what they have to do.


Yes, we are in a global pandemic, with staffing shortages everywhere. Help wanted signs everywhere. Jobs galore. Not all of them are well paying, I get that, but oh so many of them are. I find it hard to believe that there wasn't a job closer to home that could have supported the family. If it were military...that's a different story, obviously,but we don't know that.

Look, all I'm saying is that it seems there have been issues for a long time. It probably hasn't all been her, it probably hasn't all been him. It's been both of them. It only seems like Im totally on her side because I'm the only one flipping the other side of the coin to think about. Everyone is so quick to judge her when it is clear they have not been close for years.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Their head would explode if he cut off the money, only paid bills and food. No pocket money for her to go clubbing. Tell her get a job, she is not entitled to his paycheck!


But why would he do that? Typically mothers stay home because an agreement has been made to be a homemaker and raise the children. That is invaluable to many couples. They decide that the income he brings in is THEIR shared income, or the household income, not his income to be doled out as if she is a child with an allowance.


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## Sonja (Sep 13, 2021)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


You are not attractive to her. So what do you do? You meditate on what makes you attractive to her again. For many women, emotive intimacy must come first to feel attraction. Emotive intimacy after 10 months absence has to be rebuilt. You get to meet the person anew. She may be like that. Quiet conversations about her inner soul life builds that intimacy. — Friendly regards and best.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> But why would he do that? Typically mothers stay home because an agreement has been made to be a homemaker and raise the children. That is invaluable to many couples. They decide that the income he brings in is THEIR shared income, or the household income, not his income to be doled out as if she is a child with an allowance.


Just saying if she did not want to be a loving wife and have sex with her hubby, why should he finance her going out clubbing with the girls to all hours. Dancing with the guys, talking about which guys in the club they want to fantasize about cheating with(or ARE). Do not want to act like a wife....why should he be a good little simp provider and finance her single activities.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

They haven't had sex in 3 years. They aren't connected in any way-- except for a co parenting and financial set up (he's financing their entire family).

I think its time to call the marriage, and also this thread! I don't believe OP has been back!!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> They haven't had sex in 3 years. They aren't connected in any way-- except for a co parenting and financial set up (he's financing their entire family).
> 
> I think its time to call the marriage, and also this thread! I don't believe OP has been back!!


Yep!


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

AndStilliRise said:


> But why would he do that? Typically mothers stay home because an agreement has been made to be a homemaker and raise the children. That is invaluable to many couples. They decide that the income he brings in is THEIR shared income, or the household income, not his income to be doled out as if she is a child with an allowance.


I would be closer to you in opinion if she wasn't spending that shared income on going to the club.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP is gone it looks like.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> You appeared like a fart in the wind. ...... Poof!


Isn't there a song by Kansas about that?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AndStilliRise said:


> But why would he do that? Typically mothers stay home because an agreement has been made to be a homemaker and raise the children. That is invaluable to many couples. They decide that the income he brings in is THEIR shared income, or the household income, not his income to be doled out as if she is a child with an allowance.


If she's not being his W, why would he support her?
Simple.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I have to say that I am entertained!


Not me, my hackles are up.

They look funny under my t-shirt.


_Ares Martin-_


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> You appeared like a fart in the wind. Something drove you here.
> 
> Poof!





Talker67 said:


> Isn't there a song by Kansas about that?


A dusty fart, I believe.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

....cropdusting


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> Yes, we are in a global pandemic, with staffing shortages everywhere. Help wanted signs everywhere. Jobs galore. Not all of them are well paying, I get that, but oh so many of them are. I find it hard to believe that there wasn't a job closer to home that could have supported the family. If it were military...that's a different story, obviously,but we don't know that.
> 
> Look, all I'm saying is that it seems there have been issues for a long time. It probably hasn't all been her, it probably hasn't all been him. It's been both of them. It only seems like Im totally on her side because I'm the only one flipping the other side of the coin to think about. Everyone is so quick to judge her when it is clear they have not been close for years.


I like the '_cooled down_' version of you, more-so.

The original poster is not our friend, he has left us dangling in that aforementioned wind.

On TAM, those who take up the other side, get the two-by-fours, upside the noggin.
Um.

We have a few in our head who like doing this.
Hard heads, that they are.



_Are Dee-_


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We all are, _Dust in the Wind, _surprisingly, few to none, are left to their own devices.

We are that controlled species.
By programmed inner voices, by voices said to the many.

Ach, the price of Civilization.
All nations are ruled by an inane, if not dangerous, 10% minority.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> We all are, _Dust in the Wind, _surprisingly, few to none, are left to their own devices.
> 
> We are that controlled species.
> By programmed inner voices, by voices said to the many.
> ...


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Just saying if she did not want to be a loving wife and have sex with her hubby, why should he finance her going out clubbing with the girls to all hours. Dancing with the guys, talking about which guys in the club they want to fantasize about cheating with(or ARE). Do not want to act like a wife....why should he be a good little simp provider and finance her single activities.


Who said she was dancing with guys and talking about guys? The OP certainly didn't.


----------



## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

uphillbattle said:


> I would be closer to you in opinion if she wasn't spending that shared income on going to the club.


Was there a list that they said shared income could and could not be used on? Besides, he "let" her go so that must be included, right? Keep trying.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

uphillbattle said:


> I would be closer to you in opinion if she wasn't spending that shared income on going to the club.


Was there a list that they said shared income could and could not be used on? Besides, he "let" her go so that must be included, right? Keep trying.


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## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Time to wake up and smell the coffee or tea ...you married a woman who you provided for everythign including having sex with other men and now you still wonder why she will have nothing to do with you? here are your option
> 
> 1. divorce her
> 2. reconcile (if it is even worth it) but have her take a polygraph to prove she has not been sleeping with other men
> ...


tough but i cant argue with this..


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If she's not being his W, why would he support her?
> Simple.


Maybe he's not being her 'husband' and that's why she's not being his 'wife.' We don't know. All we know is he hasn't had sex for 3 years (with her) and she hasn't had sex for 3 years (with him). Beyond that, they got issues they need to work on.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> I like the '_cooled down_' version of you, more-so.
> 
> The original poster is not our friend, he has left us dangling in that aforementioned wind.
> 
> ...


Yes, I have noticed. A few bully posts for daring to have a different view but I have thick skin.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> Maybe he's not being her 'husband' and that's why she's not being his 'wife.' We don't know. All we know is he hasn't had sex for 3 years (with her) and she hasn't had sex for 3 years (with him). Beyond that, they got issues they need to work on.


"We don't know".

Exactly so take your own advice when you say his wife was "second to his job" because you don't know!!


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> Who said she was dancing with guys and talking about guys? The OP certainly didn't.


 "I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes...."


----------



## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> "I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes...."


Where did he say she was dancing with and thinking of other men? Women in relationships go out to clubs all the time with other women and don't do anything with other men. You are assuming a lot based on a little.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

sideways said:


> "We don't know".
> 
> Exactly so take your own advice when you say his wife was "second to his job" because you don't know!!


Either read all the posts in context or don't bother replying. I was responding to a comment where someone assumed the husband was "second to the kids."


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> Either read all the posts in context or don't bother replying. I was responding to a comment where someone assumed the husband was "second to the kids."


"A man committed to his family and making his marriage work would not take off across the world to work for months and months"???????

Your words^^^

Again, how do you know what his situation is???

How do you know if he had other employment opportunities where he lives and what this opportunity was across the world and how it could benefit his family???

YOU DON'T KNOW SO GET OFF YOUR HOLIER THAN THOU JUDGMENTAL SOAP BOX AND QUIT MAKING ASSUMPTIONS BECAUSE AGAIN YOU DO NOT KNOW!!!!!!


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

sideways said:


> "A man committed to his family and making his marriage work would not take off across the world to work for months and months"???????
> 
> Your words^^^
> 
> ...


Easy now, killer. Your projection may be bad for your heart.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

sideways said:


> "A man committed to his family and making his marriage work would not take off across the world to work for months and months"???????
> 
> Your words^^^
> 
> ...


This, 100 percent. 

Let's throw this out there.... the WIFE should have decided to become an actual marriage partner, and faced w the prospect of him having to work overseas for his current job said -- no don't do it. I'll start contributing financially. I'll find a job and start contributing financially to our life and you look for a new job that doesn't require you to work overseas for 10 months --.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> This, 100 percent.
> 
> Let's throw this out there.... the WIFE should have decided to become an actual marriage partner, and faced w the prospect of him having to work overseas for his current job said -- no don't do it. I'll start contributing financially. I'll find a job and start contributing financially to our life and you look for a new job that doesn't require you to work overseas for 10 months --.


Agreed, 
And apparently his wife is all in on getting supported, but all out on any type of actual relationship. OP has flown the coop here; I hope he flies it there, too.

It is interesting that a man who is a sole breadwinner and works 10 months overseas is seen in a bad light because he is apparently “putting his job before his family”.
It makes me think that he could be wearing a golden glowing halo, and still be seen as a devil to some.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Agreed,
> And apparently his wife is all in on getting supported, but all out on any type of actual relationship. OP has flown the coop here; I hope he flies it there, too.
> 
> It is interesting that a man who is a sole breadwinner and works 10 months overseas is seen in a bad light because he is apparently “putting his job before his family”.
> It makes me think that he could be wearing a golden glowing halo, and still be seen as a devil to some.


Right!! But if he had quit that job, or found a new one that perhaps didn't make the same amount of money, to avoid going overseas, the same poster would be raving about how a good husband would have sucked it up and done the overseas stint in order to keep providing for the family at the same level. 

Some posters are just gonna keep spouting contrary crap no matter what.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Right!! But if he had quit that job, or found a new one that perhaps didn't make the same amount of money, to avoid going overseas, the same poster would be raving about how a good husband would have sucked it up and done the overseas stint in order to keep providing for the family at the same level.
> 
> Some posters are just gonna keep spouting contrary crap no matter what.


Makes me think AWR is DBTRs alter ego...sound like sisters. Reminds me of crap my mom or her sisters would say. Hell all her sisters were screwed in the head. My GM really screwed up her kids, all the girls had a controlling jezebel spirit in them. Only way any of them kept a hubby is to find a weak one. The 2 boys were drunks died early.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

AndStilliRise said:


> Was there a list that they said shared income could and could not be used on? Besides, he "let" her go so that must be included, right? Keep trying.


That list is determined by the couple BOTH of them. We go by a 1 no policy. If one doesn't think the money should be spent on something then it doesn't get spent.* So yes, I LET my wife spend money and she LETS me*. Keep trying.

My wife went away for 3 months. I was at home with 5 kids, 1 with cat eye syndrome, 1 with ADHD, 1 on the spectrum 2 of which she brought to the relationship. I also had to set up a new inventory system for work at home during my down time. When my wife returned my thoughts had nothing to do with going out with friends, I wanted to spend that time with my wife. Had she wanted to nothing to do with me and just wanted to go out to the club I would have divorced her on the spot. I would have thought all she wanted from me was my labors. Which is obviously the only thing the op's wife cares about with him.

Taking care of 3 kids is difficult I'm sure, but if you are tired as you claim she is where does going out clubbing come into play? Yes the most likely scenario is she has other interests. Look up and down the CWI boards, she wishes to go out to get her needs met which is why most on the board go to it being infidelity in this situation. Kicking the hornet's nest is fun for you I'm sure, but probability holds with you being on flimsy ground.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

uphillbattle said:


> That list is determined by the couple BOTH of them. We go by a 1 no policy. If one doesn't think the money should be spent on something then it doesn't get spent.* So yes I LET my wife spend money and she LETS me*. Keep trying.
> 
> My wife went away for 3 months. I was at home with 5 kids, 1 with cat eye syndrome, 1 with ADHD, 1 on the spectrum 2 of which she brought to the relationship. I also had to set up a new inventory system for work at home during my down time. When my wife returned my thoughts had nothing to do with going out with friends, I wanted to spend that time with my wife. Had she wanted to nothing to do with me and just wanted to go out to the club I would have divorced her on the spot. I would have thought all she wanted from me was my labors. Which is obviously the only thing the op's wife cares about with him.
> 
> Taking care of 3 kids is difficult I'm sure, but if you are tired as you claim she is where does going out clubbing come into play? Yes the most likely scenario is she has other interests. Look up and down the CWI boards, she wishes to go out to get her needs met which is why most on the board go to it in this situation. Kicking the hornet's nest is fun for you I'm sure but probability holds with you being on flimsy ground.


Also, this wife DOESN'T WORK. 

She should have been thanking the OP for the sacrifice he made being away overseas for work to keep providing her a stay at home lifestyle. It's not like she was juggling the home and kids AND a job while he was away for work. 

Do you know how many millions of women who are mothers have to work because tons of families need 2 incomes to make life work?


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Besides, if she was having such a hard time with the kids. Go get a job and pay for daycare, it gets her out of the house and she gets a break from the children. If it's so much easier you would think this would be the obvious answer.


----------



## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

uphillbattle said:


> That list is determined by the couple BOTH of them. We go by a 1 no policy. If one doesn't think the money should be spent on something then it doesn't get spent.* So yes, I LET my wife spend money and she LETS me*. Keep trying.
> 
> My wife went away for 3 months. I was at home with 5 kids, 1 with cat eye syndrome, 1 with ADHD, 1 on the spectrum 2 of which she brought to the relationship. I also had to set up a new inventory system for work at home during my down time. When my wife returned my thoughts had nothing to do with going out with friends, I wanted to spend that time with my wife. Had she wanted to nothing to do with me and just wanted to go out to the club I would have divorced her on the spot. I would have thought all she wanted from me was my labors. Which is obviously the only thing the op's wife cares about with him.
> 
> Taking care of 3 kids is difficult I'm sure, but if you are tired as you claim she is where does going out clubbing come into play? Yes the most likely scenario is she has other interests. Look up and down the CWI boards, she wishes to go out to get her needs met which is why most on the board go to it being infidelity in this situation. Kicking the hornet's nest is fun for you I'm sure, but probability holds with you being on flimsy ground.


I wasn't talking about your agreement with your wife, nor do I care. I was talking about what may or may not have been agreed upon with the OP and his wife.


----------



## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Also, this wife DOESN'T WORK.
> 
> She should have been thanking the OP for the sacrifice he made being away overseas for work to keep providing her a stay at home lifestyle. It's not like she was juggling the home and kids AND a job while he was away for work.
> 
> Do you know how many millions of women who are mothers have to work because tons of families need 2 incomes to make life work?


Oh, she works. She works hard. Stay at home moms don't sit around eating bon bons watching Dr. Phil all day. She just doesn't get paid money for it. Hence my earlier comment about staying home typically being a joint decision and all income being shared income.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

AndStilliRise said:


> I wasn't talking about your agreement with your wife, nor do I care. I was talking about what may or may not have been agreed upon with the OP and his wife.


Yes, you assume by the wording that it means something nefarious while he gave no reason to assume it was. His wife on the other hand does give reasons to assume the worst.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

AndStilliRise said:


> Oh, she works. She works hard. Stay at home moms don't sit around eating bon bons watching Dr. Phil all day. She just doesn't get paid money for it. Hence my earlier comment about staying home typically being a joint decision and all income being shared income.


Then GET A JOB AND PAY FOR DAYCARE. Someone else can do the hard job of taking care of the kids while she does the easy job of working. Should be a walk in the park. I dreaded going back to work, staying home was a joy for the 3 months I had the privilege and I had 5 kids while still doing work from home.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I notice you still only whished to address the LET part of my post. Is that your only leg you feel you have to stand on?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AndStilliRise said:


> Oh, she works. She works hard. Stay at home moms don't sit around eating bon bons watching Dr. Phil all day. She just doesn't get paid money for it. Hence my earlier comment about staying home typically being a joint decision and all income being shared income.


Not true. Lots do. They also have visits to the neighbors house, etc.


----------



## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Right!! But if he had quit that job, or found a new one that perhaps didn't make the same amount of money, to avoid going overseas, the same poster would be raving about how a good husband would have sucked it up and done the overseas stint in order to keep providing for the family at the same level.
> 
> Some posters are just gonna keep spouting contrary crap no matter what.


Huh. And here all this time I thought you had me on ignore just like you said you would. I knew you liked me.


----------



## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

uphillbattle said:


> That list is determined by the couple BOTH of them. We go by a 1 no policy. If one doesn't think the money should be spent on something then it doesn't get spent.* So yes, I LET my wife spend money and she LETS me*. Keep trying.
> 
> My wife went away for 3 months. I was at home with 5 kids, 1 with cat eye syndrome, 1 with ADHD, 1 on the spectrum 2 of which she brought to the relationship. I also had to set up a new inventory system for work at home during my down time. When my wife returned my thoughts had nothing to do with going out with friends, I wanted to spend that time with my wife. Had she wanted to nothing to do with me and just wanted to go out to the club I would have divorced her on the spot. I would have thought all she wanted from me was my labors. Which is obviously the only thing the op's wife cares about with him.
> 
> Taking care of 3 kids is difficult I'm sure, but if you are tired as you claim she is where does going out clubbing come into play? Yes the most likely scenario is she has other interests. Look up and down the CWI boards, she wishes to go out to get her needs met which is why most on the board go to it being infidelity in this situation. Kicking the hornet's nest is fun for you I'm sure, but probability holds with you being on flimsy ground.


But were you close and having sex before she left? Or was your sex life already DOA before she even left like the OP's?


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

uphillbattle said:


> Yes, you assume by the wording that it means something nefarious while he gave no reason to assume it was. His wife on the other hand does give reasons to assume the worst.


What he SAYS about his wife give reasons. His wife has actually given no reason at all.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Not true. Lots do. They also have visits to the neighbors house, etc.


You sound like you know from personal experience.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> Easy now, killer. Your projection may be bad for your heart.
> 
> BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!
> 
> You're just a hateful, judgmental and bitter person.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This thread should be titled.... "Who has been sleeping with my wife for 3 years?"


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Nice way to make it look like I said something I didn't. Nothing I have said is hateful or bitter. You're the one yelling and melting down.


----------



## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

AndStilliRise said:


> Nice way to make it look like I said something I didn't. Nothing I have said is hateful or bitter. You're the one yelling and melting down.


Your portion on this thread reminds me of something my dad used to say….

”Bailing faster couldn‘t keep the titanic from sinking…”

thought it might do you some good..


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## michaelT (Oct 11, 2021)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


 I am in the same boat. Possibly the SS Titanic. Been married for 25 years and i have been thinking of leaving for the last 5 years. But our kids keep me here. They are great kids and she is a great mother, but she has a horrible self centred streak and struggles to communicate. I have never felt more alone in my life than these last 5 years. It has depressed me totally and i can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wake some days and wish i died in my sleep.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

michaelT said:


> I am in the same boat. Possibly the SS Titanic. Been married for 25 years and i have been thinking of leaving for the last 5 years. But our kids keep me here. They are great kids and she is a great mother, but she has a horrible self centred streak and struggles to communicate. I have never felt more alone in my life than these last 5 years. It has depressed me totally and i can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wake some days and wish i died in my sleep.


How can I relate to this... even the dying thing...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

michaelT said:


> I am in the same boat. Possibly the SS Titanic. Been married for 25 years and i have been thinking of leaving for the last 5 years. But our kids keep me here. They are great kids and she is a great mother, but she has a horrible self centred streak and struggles to communicate. I have never felt more alone in my life than these last 5 years. It has depressed me totally and i can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wake some days and wish i died in my sleep.


Yet I bet you continue to treat her as if she's providing you with a great relationship, am I right?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

michaelT said:


> I am in the same boat. Possibly the SS Titanic. Been married for 25 years and i have been thinking of leaving for the last 5 years. But our kids keep me here. They are great kids and she is a great mother, but she has a horrible self centred streak and struggles to communicate. I have never felt more alone in my life than these last 5 years. It has depressed me totally and i can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wake some days and wish i died in my sleep.


You’ve got one life to live, and it’s so bad you don’t like to wake up in the morning, and you’re going to keep doing the same thing?
You should start your own thread and get some friendly 2x4’s upside the head to help wake you up.
Your life doesn’t have to be this way.
Your kids’ life doesn’t have to be this way either.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

michaelT said:


> I am in the same boat. Possibly the SS Titanic. Been married for 25 years and i have been thinking of leaving for the last 5 years. But our kids keep me here. They are great kids and she is a great mother, but she has a horrible self centred streak and struggles to communicate. I have never felt more alone in my life than these last 5 years. It has depressed me totally and i can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wake some days and wish i died in my sleep.


This is no way to go through life my Friend and deep down in your soul you know this is true.

Fear is keeping you from taking the steps to change your life and to find the peace you're desperately seeking. 

You can't change what you're afraid to confront.

As Evinrude suggested, start your own thread so you can get some help formulating a plan.

Or you can continue to do nothing (as you've been doing) and slowly watch the life run out of you.

It all starts with a choice.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

The bottom line is that if you want the Marriage you desire, you have to be willing to blow it up to save it.
It took me 7 years of hard knocks to learn that nice guys truly finish last.
For 18 years, I had the marriage I wanted. Then I became passive and allowed the dynamics to change.
There was (and is) no doubt in my mind that my wife loves me. However, it is human nature to take advantage of what is perceived as weakness.
She pushed the envelope too far, and I blew it up. I gave her three choices. The only one she found palatable was to fix her s**t.
We have reverted back to the marriage we had the first 18. My story is here if you want to look it up.
You need to take the bull by the horns. Do your homework and make sure that there are no "External Influences."
If there are, take appropriate action.
If not, take charge of your relationship. People can only treat you poorly if you tolerate it.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP is gone, 13 pages of debates.


----------



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


See, this is the kind of thing that gets under my skin. I've been married 14 years, I handle ALL and I do mean ALL of the housework in my home as well as work 2 part-time jobs and keep my 4 year old occupied during my home job and I STILL, even when I'm exhausted have sex with my husband. NOW. Is the sex enjoyable, not at all. He does what he needs and that's it. I don't even want an attempt at trying to please me anymore, I just provide what he wants and sadly he's just fine with that. 

Then you have your situation, where you want intimacy and not just sex. I'm not sure what to tell you, but you are right there are plenty of couples that have it and it's work for some, but you need it before you seek it elsewhere. Good luck having that conversation but you need to have it in some form.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

michaelT said:


> I am in the same boat. Possibly the SS Titanic. Been married for 25 years and i have been thinking of leaving for the last 5 years. But our kids keep me here. They are great kids and she is a great mother, but she has a horrible self centred streak and struggles to communicate. I have never felt more alone in my life than these last 5 years. It has depressed me totally and i can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wake some days and wish i died in my sleep.


You are choosing to live and feel this way. NOTHING will change unless YOU do - either accepting your choice to stay, and feeling happy with it (instead of victimized)...or making the choice to leave, and creating a new life.

The light at the end of the tunnel is right there...you just have to take off your blinders to see it.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> OP is gone, 13 pages of debates.


Sometimes those are the best threads, though!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Quote @michaelT
_I am in the same boat. Possibly the SS Titanic. Been married for 25 years and i have been thinking of leaving for the last 5 years. But our kids keep me here. They are great kids and she is a great mother, but she has a horrible self centred streak and struggles to communicate. I have never felt more alone in my life than these last 5 years. It has depressed me totally and i can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wake some days and wish i died in my sleep._
...................................................




Livvie said:


> Yet I bet you continue to treat her as if she's providing you with a great relationship, am I right?


Tsk!

He is a newbie, and it is too soon to make this statement.

It may spur him into starting his own thread, with him relating his woes, with his own, _White Momma Moby_ _Dik_ that hath sunk his marital ship.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Tdbo said:


> The bottom line is that if you want the Marriage you desire, you have to be willing to blow it up to save it.
> It took me 7 years of hard knocks to learn that nice guys truly finish last.
> For 18 years, I had the marriage I wanted. Then I became passive and allowed the dynamics to change.
> There was (and is) no doubt in my mind that my wife loves me. However, it is human nature to take advantage of what is perceived as weakness.
> ...


Good post.

So what were the three options you gave your wife? First two seem pretty obvious. 
1) divorce 
2) Fix her $hit
3) ?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

sideways said:


> Good post.
> 
> So what were the three options you gave your wife? First two seem pretty obvious.
> 1) divorce
> ...


Postnup in which she stated that I was allowed a FWB without reprisal until such time that she wanted to honor her marital vows to "Love and Cherish."
While I doubt that would be easily upheld in a court of law, it was enough to make her turn white as a sheet and state "My God, our Marriage is in trouble." That was my fundamental objective, the shock value of it. When she heard that, she almost wet herself, because she know that if something like that was coming from me, I was halfway out the door.
The three options for our Marriage were presented as: 1) Fix things, 2) Slow Death (FWB) or 3) Rapid Deceleration (Divorce.)
Here is the entire story:









Why so many sexless marriages?


I admit to being single, but I don’t understand why so many people are in sexless marriages. I was married for 15 years. Lack of sex was never our problem because it was never used as a weapon. It sure seems that many of you have a significant other using it as control by not fulfilling the...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Quote @michaelT
> _I am in the same boat. Possibly the SS Titanic. Been married for 25 years and i have been thinking of leaving for the last 5 years. But our kids keep me here. They are great kids and she is a great mother, but she has a horrible self centred streak and struggles to communicate. I have never felt more alone in my life than these last 5 years. It has depressed me totally and i can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wake some days and wish i died in my sleep._
> ...................................................
> 
> ...


I'll bet you $500 he treats her as if their marriage is great.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I'll bet you $500 he treats her as if their marriage is great.


You treat her well, you treat her bad... the result is the same. He needs to get out and not dragging it forever like I did.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> You treat her well, you treat her bad... the result is the same. He needs to get out and not dragging it forever like I did.


My point is that if someone who is being mistreated and provided with a crappy relationship by their spouse continues to treat that spouse as if they are being treated well, the self centered crap spouse will never stop.

If you give a puppy a treat everytime it poops in the house it's going to continue to poop in the house.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Dictum Veritas said:


> This reminds me so much of @Cromer 's story where his wife didn't have sex with him for a decade after he returned home from military deployment only for him to find out she withheld sex due to a STD she contracted from a gym-rat she was stooping while he was away and it just became the norm. After divorcing her, he came to find that she had also betrayed him with multiple other men during their marriage. I'd be in detective mode were I you OP.


I endured hell for years and was so blind. I mean, I really loved my ex-wife for decades. Not anymore. There are so many ways I wanted to kick myself after everything came out, but it wasn't my fault. If you're not having sex it is for a reason. I love my new relationship and it all worked out in the end, but that doesn't minimize the damage that my XWW did to me. I'm healed so it's all good, but wow you have a situation to resolve and from my experience, you need to act sooner rather than later. You deserve better, believe me.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Cromer said:


> I endured hell for years and was so blind. I mean, I really loved my ex-wife for decades. Not anymore. There are so many ways I wanted to kick myself after everything came out, but it wasn't my fault. If you're not having sex it is for a reason. I love my new relationship and it all worked out in the end, but that doesn't minimize the damage that my XWW did to me. I'm healed so it's all good, but wow you have a situation to resolve and from my experience, you need to act sooner rather than later. You deserve better, believe me.


@Cromer , I'm glad to see you are still around and after all you have been through, I wish you only happiness. I hope you are well.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> You treat her well, you treat her bad... the result is the same. He needs to get out and not dragging it forever like I did.


I totally agree, but wish for your sake you were really out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


I see that people here are jumping straight to the idea that your wife is cheating. You have provided no evidence at this point that she is cheating. Be careful here because that's the standard go to line around here. You can do some snooping to see if she is cheating, but right not don't take that as gospel.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Dictum Veritas said:


> @Cromer , I'm glad to see you are still around and after all you have been through, I wish you only happiness. I hope you are well.


Thanks so much! We are well and life is good. We're so grateful for a lot of things, but especially for the state that we live in because life is mostly normal here. No mandates, no lockdowns. But that's another thread LOL.

For OP: The fact that you've not been intimate with your wife in three years doesn't mean she's cheating, got to agree with @EleGirl here. But something's going on that you shouldn't have to tolerate. Seriously. I went ten years in that situation for our kid's sake. Once I made my move to get out of it, the shat-show began. Lots of secrets came out and I remained determined to nope out of all that crap. I'm not saying that's your case, but I will say being trapped in a sexless hell is no place to be with the woman that you love.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

There is only two reasons, in my opinion, why your wife would not be interested in sex after 3 years.....she is angry and bitter how you treat her, or she is having an affair.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> There is only two reasons, in my opinion, why your wife would not be interested in sex after 3 years.....she is angry and bitter how you treat her, or she is having an affair.


Or, she picked him for the stability and support he would provide her, knew she wasn't truly attracted to him, and now that she has kids isn't going to have sex with him anymore.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

LATERILUS79 said:


> You can’t possibly be serious?


Yes. She can. 

Its just as likely that his wife has disconnected due to his long absence and learned to live everyday life without him and now feels he comes back and expects her to add his needs on top of her everyday stuff, without adding any extra benefit or help... as it is that she is using him for the money and has been finding time to screw someone else for 10 months as a single parent to 3. Want to know how I know?? 



Sent from my SM-G781W using Tapatalk


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

NotEZ said:


> Yes. She can.
> 
> Its just as likely that his wife has disconnected due to his long absence and learned to live everyday life without him and now feels he comes back and expects her to add his needs on top of her everyday stuff, without adding any extra benefit or help... as it is that she is using him for the money and has been finding time to screw someone else for 10 months as a single parent to 3. Want to know how I know??
> 
> ...


Nope.


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## BenWylder (Aug 2, 2021)

I hope to


Esco600 said:


> I am in my late 30s and she’s in early 30s ive tried everything to be intimate but she says she’s too tired and exhausted with the kids and she gets upset when ever I initiate. I’ve been away for 10months and when I got back I tried to initiate, hoping she would have missed me but she got upset that I would even attempt since she’s so busy with managing the home. We have been married for 9 years and have three kids. I let her go out and club and do whatever she likes and we are good at discussing social media and events and are good friends but it seems that’s where it ends. The closeness of a partner isn’t there and I’ve seen what other couples are like.
> 
> I try my best to assist with house chores and I provide all the resources as she does not work and once she has any little problem she runs to me. I am more or less like a big brother that you run too when scared.
> 
> What do I do?


I hope to later read a positive follow up on this but I have serious doubts. There is a reason that she has no use for you sexually and I think you should get to the bottom of that first.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Personal said:


> I will also add that for the men and women, who suffer through sexless marriages without seeking sex elsewhere. Though I may not understand settling for that. Since I am not walking in their shoes, I do appreciate they have reasons that make sense to them for suffering through it. And all they are doing is the best they can, so they certainly aren't lesser people for it.


The only reason for me to accept a sexless marriage is because of medical issues.


uphillbattle said:


> That list is determined by the couple BOTH of them. We go by a 1 no policy. If one doesn't think the money should be spent on something then it doesn't get spent.* So yes, I LET my wife spend money and she LETS me*. Keep trying.
> 
> My wife went away for 3 months. I was at home with 5 kids, 1 with cat eye syndrome, 1 with ADHD, 1 on the spectrum 2 of which she brought to the relationship. I also had to set up a new inventory system for work at home during my down time. When my wife returned my thoughts had nothing to do with going out with friends, I wanted to spend that time with my wife. Had she wanted to nothing to do with me and just wanted to go out to the club I would have divorced her on the spot. I would have thought all she wanted from me was my labors. Which is obviously the only thing the op's wife cares about with him.
> 
> Taking care of 3 kids is difficult I'm sure, but if you are tired as you claim she is where does going out clubbing come into play? Yes the most likely scenario is she has other interests. Look up and down the CWI boards, she wishes to go out to get her needs met which is why most on the board go to it being infidelity in this situation. Kicking the hornet's nest is fun for you I'm sure, but probability holds with you being on flimsy ground.


That's what I think. She may not be in the mood for sex, having been celibate for ten months. However, she should have had an interest in her husband, if she was still connected to him emotionally.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

time for the OP to kick her to the curb.
why is he wasting his paycheck on her?


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