# Looking for support



## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

My husband and I separated in August last year. We had been together for 12 years and married for 8. I was his 2nd marriage. My first.
I instigated the separation.
I felt that he didn't like me very much in the last few years and was a bit of a bully. I felt controlled by him in respect to what I could do outside our marriage. Anytime I wanted to meet a friend (female) for coffee or a movie, things got a bit frosty.
We had been sleeping in separate rooms for about 3 years due to him not sleeping well.Sex had also stopped about that time. I found it impossible to bring up any sensitive issues regarding our marriage and felt more like the housekeeper. 
He would come home from work and plant himself in front of the TV, He would clear up after dinner for me which I appreciated but then go off to bed at 8.30pm. I did the cleaning, cooking, shopping - he mowed the lawns. To me it didn't seems like much of a marriage.We didn't do alot together anymore.
We had a camper which sat in the drive unused. When I mentioned to him I would like to reduce my hours at work (I work fulltime) so I could get things done at home to enable us to go away sometimes his response was: "I won't allow that" Excuse me??? This is not 1950! 
We had no mortgage or debt so I couldn't see what that problem was. That was the straw that broke the camel's back and I said I had had enough.
He moved out into a flat and we sold the house within 3 months.
I have brought another house and so has he. We didn't speak for a couple of months but at Christmas time he got in touch and said he hoped we could remain friends at some stage.
We have seen each other a few times since but now he said he doesn't know what is happening with us. I don't either. I know I miss the man I married, not the one he became.
I suggested marriage counselling and he said: It's something to think about" That was on Saturday. It's now Thursday and I have left him alone to "think about it" 

What now??


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Robbity said:


> My husband and I separated in August last year. We had been together for 12 years and married for 8. I was his 2nd marriage. My first.
> I instigated the separation.
> I felt that he didn't like me very much in the last few years and was a bit of a bully. I felt controlled by him in respect to what I could do outside our marriage. Anytime I wanted to meet a friend (female) for coffee or a movie, things got a bit frosty.
> We had been sleeping in separate rooms for about 3 years due to him not sleeping well.Sex had also stopped about that time. I found it impossible to bring up any sensitive issues regarding our marriage and felt more like the housekeeper.
> ...


Sounds like you two have frozen each other out of your lives.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why did his first marriage end? Did you talk to his ex?


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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

turnera said:


> Why did his first marriage end? Did you talk to his ex?


Hi, His first marriage ended because she said he was a control freak. On the few occasions I have spoken to her (mainly to do with pickup or drop off of grandkids) she has said he's a cold ba**rd
I should also mention that I am 54 and going through menopause. Which I have under control now but probably didn't help the situation at the time. He is 58. We have no children at home. 3 between us, all grown up.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Robbity said:


> My husband and I separated in August last year. We had been together for 12 years and married for 8. I was his 2nd marriage. My first.
> I instigated the separation.
> I felt that he didn't like me very much in the last few years and was a bit of a bully. I felt controlled by him in respect to what I could do outside our marriage. Anytime I wanted to meet a friend (female) for coffee or a movie, things got a bit frosty.
> We had been sleeping in separate rooms for about 3 years due to him not sleeping well.Sex had also stopped about that time. I found it impossible to bring up any sensitive issues regarding our marriage and felt more like the housekeeper.
> ...


One thing to consider; does he snore a lot? Has he been tested for sleep apnea? It is amazing how much of a change that CPAP machine made in my life. (It didn't save my marriage but as a consolation prize it saved my life.)
It seems that he has shut you out all together, for what ever reason. Does he play on the computer a lot? Has he developed friendships outside of the marriage you may not know much about? Is he seeking emotional fulfillment elsewhere? Peek at his devices, see if he is in communication with another woman. He is just going through the motions at this point.
Be prepared for the worst, start the paperwork.


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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> One thing to consider; does he snore a lot? Has he been tested for sleep apnea? It is amazing how much of a change that CPAP machine made in my life. (It didn't save my marriage but as a consolation prize it saved my life.)
> It seems that he has shut you out all together, for what ever reason. Does he play on the computer a lot? Has he developed friendships outside of the marriage you may not know much about? Is he seeking emotional fulfillment elsewhere? Peek at his devices, see if he is in communication with another woman. He is just going through the motions at this point.
> Be prepared for the worst, start the paperwork.


He hasn't been tested for apnea as he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. Apart from being in constant pain. He has arthritis in his back, knees and one hip. He had a hip replacement for his other hip a couple of years ago. He also has nerve damage in his neck and after multiple surgeries for that, there is no more they can do.He is on alot of pain meds. He hardly uses the computer at all. He also does not encourage friendships. Either mine or his! I needed to go out to see my friends. He also hates his cell phone so I doubt very much there is another woman.
I suspect he is depressed due to the constant pain he is in but he is too stubborn to seek help for this depression. In effect, he has pushed me away which in turn has turned me off, and made me want to leave.
When we spoke on Saturday we were both upset and both cried but I'm beginning to wonder if I was crying for the loss of what could have been instead of what our marriage was.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Robbity said:


> He hasn't been tested for apnea as he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. Apart from being in constant pain. He has arthritis in his back, knees and one hip. He had a hip replacement for his other hip a couple of years ago. He also has nerve damage in his neck and after multiple surgeries for that, there is no more they can do.He is on alot of pain meds. He hardly uses the computer at all. He also does not encourage friendships. Either mine or his! I needed to go out to see my friends. He also hates his cell phone so I doubt very much there is another woman.
> I suspect he is depressed due to the constant pain he is in but he is too stubborn to seek help for this depression. In effect, he has pushed me away which in turn has turned me off, and made me want to leave.
> When we spoke on Saturday we were both upset and both cried but I'm beginning to wonder if I was crying for the loss of what could have been instead of what our marriage was.


Wow, yeah. Sounds like depression after all. (I was thinking affair because that is what most of us endured.) Pain meds can be potent depressants on top of his emotional depression... A self perpetuating cycle. He hasn't started abusing them, has he?

I have to agree, I think you cry for what was, what could have been-but certainly not for what is. I'm sorry, I wish I could help but it seems to me that unless he goes to see a Mental Health professional he is just going to sit there and nothing is going to change.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

I know that's why I cry. For what was and what could have been if he had tried and hadn't screwed everything up. I also am sorry that you are having to go through this but we are all definitely here to support one another. Hang in there.


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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

anewstine said:


> I know that's why I cry. For what was and what could have been if he had tried and hadn't screwed everything up. I also am sorry that you are having to go through this but we are all definitely here to support one another. Hang in there.


I'll be open to marriage counselling if he is willing to go. Not sure he would put the effort in though. Have you tried MC?


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Robbity said:


> I'll be open to marriage counselling if he is willing to go. Not sure he would put the effort in though. Have you tried MC?


I hate to say this but he sounds like the kind of man that "there is nothing wrong with me, the rest of the world is fouled up!" and therefore won't see the value of counseling. I hope I am wrong but I doubt it. Sometimes they just won't do it-either fear or stubborn pride (that is the problem with my STBXW) prevents them from admitting to problems and seeking help. You are definitely the stronger one because you are trying to get help here, and we are here for you.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Robbity said:


> I'll be open to marriage counselling if he is willing to go. Not sure he would put the effort in though. Have you tried MC?


We did for about the last year and a half. I was committed to it, he wasn't. He would only show up about half the time, saying he got stuck at work, and wouldn't follow through with what our MC told him he needed to do, i.e. see his own therapist.
My therapist told me that I did everything in my power for years to save my marriage and that I can't take responsibility for this but it is so hard not to take it personally when you have given so much and gotten so little back. I just can't seem to get past letting him take responsibility for what he has done...I still am feeling guilty and ashamed even though rationally I know I did everything I could and he didn't. This whole experience is so hard.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> I hate to say this but he sounds like the kind of man that "there is nothing wrong with me, the rest of the world is fouled up!" and therefore won't see the value of counseling. I hope I am wrong but I doubt it. Sometimes they just won't do it-either fear or stubborn pride (that is the problem with my STBXW) prevents them from admitting to problems and seeking help. You are definitely the stronger one because you are trying to get help here, and we are here for you.


I think that is my stbxh in a nutshell. It's not me that has a problem its everybody else. I wish they would just take some responsibility for crying out loud...literally


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

anewstine said:


> I think that is my stbxh in a nutshell. It's not me that has a problem its everybody else. I wish they would just take some responsibility for crying out loud...literally


Well, us men tend to be jerks-that's a given. But it is flawed human that makes us search for a way out-plausible deniability.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

anewstine said:


> We did for about the last year and a half. I was committed to it, he wasn't. He would only show up about half the time, saying he got stuck at work, and wouldn't follow through with what our MC told him he needed to do, i.e. see his own therapist.
> My therapist told me that I did everything in my power for years to save my marriage and that I can't take responsibility for this but it is so hard not to take it personally when you have given so much and gotten so little back. I just can't seem to get past letting him take responsibility for what he has done...I still am feeling guilty and ashamed even though rationally I know I did everything I could and he didn't. This whole experience is so hard.


That's what I got, too. He only went because I said either you go or I'm moving out. But of course, he didn't think he had a problem; he was humoring me; and when the MC gave him homework, he LITERALLY tried to do it for all of 5 minutes, and then quit. All he had to do was come up with 5 positive things he could think of to say, could be as easy as 'it didn't rain today,' and he stopped after two things. 

My MC/IC also pretty much told me he will never change, you may as well look at separating, unless you decide you can live with all the crap he pulls.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

It's so frustrating. How did we end up with these people that seem so different than us? I would have done anything to keep my family together...he wouldn't even show up/do his MC homework/etc. I feel like I've been thrown away. And because it was just too hard for him to do the work. I know that I am better off without him, that I deserved to be loved and fought for but this is all just hard.


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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> I hate to say this but he sounds like the kind of man that "there is nothing wrong with me, the rest of the world is fouled up!" and therefore won't see the value of counseling. I hope I am wrong but I doubt it. Sometimes they just won't do it-either fear or stubborn pride (that is the problem with my STBXW) prevents them from admitting to problems and seeking help. You are definitely the stronger one because you are trying to get help here, and we are here for you.


Thanks for your words  I think you might be right. Funny how reading other threads re marriage breakups and what other people have been through can firm up yur resolve not to make the first move. I've found this site to be addictive! And helpful.


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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

anewstine said:


> We did for about the last year and a half. I was committed to it, he wasn't. He would only show up about half the time, saying he got stuck at work, and wouldn't follow through with what our MC told him he needed to do, i.e. see his own therapist.
> My therapist told me that I did everything in my power for years to save my marriage and that I can't take responsibility for this but it is so hard not to take it personally when you have given so much and gotten so little back. I just can't seem to get past letting him take responsibility for what he has done...I still am feeling guilty and ashamed even though rationally I know I did everything I could and he didn't. This whole experience is so hard.


I feel your pain :crying: That's an awfully long time to do counselling and not feel any further ahead. I've been working on my resolve to work on me instead of worrying about what he's going through. I can't force him to go to counselling, I can hope he will consider it. I can only change myself -not him. I am responsible for my own happiness. Sounds like a chant! Where at you at with him now? Are you still doing counselling?


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Robbity said:


> I feel your pain :crying: That's an awfully long time to do counselling and not feel any further ahead. I've been working on my resolve to work on me instead of worrying about what he's going through. I can't force him to go to counselling, I can hope he will consider it. I can only change myself -not him. I am responsible for my own happiness. Sounds like a chant! Where at you at with him now? Are you still doing counselling?


Yes it is. Especially when I was the one always pushing for it but he was the one who really needed to do the work. And you are best just focusing on yourself. You can't change him/control what he does or doesn't do. 
We are continuing with our MC but only to help us through the divorce process. He just says at this point he isn't happy, doesn't think we will ever be happy and that he wants a divorce. I know its the right thing to do. I haven't been treated the way I deserve for years, and I have been really unhappy but I would have done whatever I needed to do to keep my family together. He wouldn't obviously. I often say that I would have never proceeded with the divorce process so the universe is making him do it. However I am not going to lie this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life and I have been through some stuff. The pain and sadness is sometimes overwhelming and it would be so much easier to just cut my losses and move on if I didn't have my son. But I just keep telling myself that he is the best thing to come out of this and that I need to focus all my energy on him and me and not the a**hole that his dad has turned into. 
Do you have kids together? For me this is by far the hardest part and what I am having the hardest time with. I just feel so guilty that my son is going to be caused pain even though I am not the cause of it. His dad doesn't/isn't feeling bad about causing him pain...he's out at the bar with his buddys right now...so then I start to feel guilty about that...what the heck is wrong with me? I shouldn't be taking responsibility for any of this and yet that is exactly what I am doing. Going to STOP now


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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

anewstine said:


> Yes it is. Especially when I was the one always pushing for it but he was the one who really needed to do the work. And you are best just focusing on yourself. You can't change him/control what he does or doesn't do.
> We are continuing with our MC but only to help us through the divorce process. He just says at this point he isn't happy, doesn't think we will ever be happy and that he wants a divorce. I know its the right thing to do. I haven't been treated the way I deserve for years, and I have been really unhappy but I would have done whatever I needed to do to keep my family together. He wouldn't obviously. I often say that I would have never proceeded with the divorce process so the universe is making him do it. However I am not going to lie this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life and I have been through some stuff. The pain and sadness is sometimes overwhelming and it would be so much easier to just cut my losses and move on if I didn't have my son. But I just keep telling myself that he is the best thing to come out of this and that I need to focus all my energy on him and me and not the a**hole that his dad has turned into.
> Do you have kids together? For me this is by far the hardest part and what I am having the hardest time with. I just feel so guilty that my son is going to be caused pain even though I am not the cause of it. His dad doesn't/isn't feeling bad about causing him pain...he's out at the bar with his buddys right now...so then I start to feel guilty about that...what the heck is wrong with me? I shouldn't be taking responsibility for any of this and yet that is exactly what I am doing. Going to STOP now


One foot after the other girlfriend! It's god damn hard alright. They say it gets better...

We don't have kids together. He had been married before (20 years) and has a grown daughter. He did have a son who died -I actually think that has seriously affected him more than he says. I also have 2 grown sons by a previous long term relationship.

I had been on my own for about 10 years before I met him, by choice. My eldest son was pretty difficult and didn't want to bring anyone else into it. He needed me more than I needed a man. I know I'm a survivor so will just have find my big girl pants! You should too. Then your son will grow up knowing that his Mother is strong and that you did what was best for him.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Robbity said:


> One foot after the other girlfriend! It's god damn hard alright. They say it gets better...
> 
> We don't have kids together. He had been married before (20 years) and has a grown daughter. He did have a son who died -I actually think that has seriously affected him more than he says. I also have 2 grown sons by a previous long term relationship.
> 
> I had been on my own for about 10 years before I met him, by choice. My eldest son was pretty difficult and didn't want to bring anyone else into it. He needed me more than I needed a man. I know I'm a survivor so will just have find my big girl pants! You should too. Then your son will grow up knowing that his Mother is strong and that you did what was best for him.


Yes one foot in front of the other. And I don't want my son to grown up in a home where he sees how his father and I are. It is not a good/healthy example of marriage. Everyone does say it gets better...it just doesn't feel like it right now.:|


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Robbity said:


> Thanks for your words  I think you might be right. Funny how reading other threads re marriage breakups and what other people have been through can firm up yur resolve not to make the first move. I've found this site to be addictive! And helpful.


Me to. I have seen my mistakes and how mine imploded through the prism of others... I am leaving it entirely in her lap. Divorce or not, MC or not.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

The man sounds emotionally unavailable. Why would you want to go back to that. You said that you slept in separate bedrooms for 3 years and in the time there was little sex and he would just sit in front of the TV. Was he pouting because he wanted sex and you weren't available to him? Was he expecting you to make the marriage work? Could he be passive-aggressive? I think if you go back to this man it might be better to start with but I think things will fall back to the way they were and you will have that distance again.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

WhyMe66 said:


> Me to. I have seen my mistakes and how mine imploded through the prism of others... I am leaving it entirely in her lap. Divorce or not, MC or not.



Or, you can work and detach. Even if she may in the future, you may not. People can outgrow one another, but find self-fulfillment where at the present, you do not need a relationship but a relationship will add to that fulfilling life.

There was a WS on here who ended up having a better life than their partner and is in a stable relationship where as the ex is not finding success. It is what it is. The WS learned to be a better partner and find a compatible person to marry. Although, that person has not posted in a long time.

You may end up together and you may not. You may grow weary of placing your life on hold and simply move on. Just grow and learn and perhaps you will only accept someone with the same resolve as yourself. So work on you and slowly move on with or without, but just keep moving.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Or, you can work and detach. Even if she may in the future, you may not. People can outgrow one another, but find self-fulfillment where at the present, you do not need a relationship but a relationship will add to that fulfilling life.
> 
> There was a WS on here who ended up having a better life than their partner and is in a stable relationship where as the ex is not finding success. It is what it is. The WS learned to be a better partner and find a compatible person to marry. Although, that person has not posted in a long time.
> 
> You may end up together and you may not. You may grow weary of placing your life on hold and simply move on. Just grow and learn and perhaps you will only accept someone with the same resolve as yourself. So work on you and slowly move on with or without, but just keep moving.


You haven't read any of the other threads I've posted to...


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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> The man sounds emotionally unavailable. Why would you want to go back to that. You said that you slept in separate bedrooms for 3 years and in the time there was little sex and he would just sit in front of the TV. Was he pouting because he wanted sex and you weren't available to him? Was he expecting you to make the marriage work? Could he be passive-aggressive? I think if you go back to this man it might be better to start with but I think things will fall back to the way they were and you will have that distance again.


I don't want to go back to that - I asked him if he would be willing to go to MC. I haven't heard a word from him since then (over a week now) so I guess the answer is no.
I'm reading alot of helpful books etc which is helping me get past this.
I'll come out the other side ok with a bit of time. I'm determined not to grovel to him - after all it was me who walked!


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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> Me to. I have seen my mistakes and how mine imploded through the prism of others... I am leaving it entirely in her lap. Divorce or not, MC or not.


How long have you been separated Whyme66? And do you still have contact with each other?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Robbity said:


> I don't want to go back to that - I asked him if he would be willing to go to MC. I haven't heard a word from him since then (over a week now) so I guess the answer is no.
> I'm reading alot of helpful books etc which is helping me get past this.
> I'll come out the other side ok with a bit of time. I'm determined not to grovel to him - after all it was me who walked!


Good for you!!!!!! It takes two to work together on issues and I think you are seeing he is not willing to do his share. Stay strong....you will have your ups and downs, that is a normal natural part of all this. Keep thinking about what is good for you and what you want from your life. You deserve a life of happiness.


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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

Copied from another thread that AVR1962 and I hijacked 

Interesting turn of events with H on Tuesday. He called into my shop (after not having seen or spoken to him since I asked him if he would go to MC over 10 days ago) He said he really couldn't do the MC thing yet, maybe one day. He wants us to be friends and spend some time together though. He said he's not coping too well with the breakup.
I was really good - smiled and said "That's fine, I didn't really expect you would go. They would drag out all sorts of things."I told him that the reasons I left (bullying, belittling etc) were what contributed to the lack of sex, he thinks I left because we weren't having the sex that he wanted. I had lost that loving feeling towards him due to the way he treated me. His Father treated his Mother the same - learnt behaviour.
He said he would like us to stay friends. I don't see how that's possible but he can knock himself out trying 
Must say that I had the upper hand yesterday as I had turned a corner and had decided I could only help myself by getting on with my life. He seemed a bit surprised to see me so upbeat. He said he comes home from work and can't be bothered cooking for himself so just has cereal most nights. He's playing the victim card. It's not working!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's like you're waiting for him to do something about it. Nothing is stopping you from doing something, like moving on from him. He doesn't sound very present at all in the relationship or interested in making strides to improve things between you. 

Don't make it his problem to solve. You have the ability to improve the situation. Don't be afraid to exercise it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Robbity said:


> I don't want to go back to that - I asked him if he would be willing to go to MC. I haven't heard a word from him since then (over a week now) so I guess the answer is no.


It's a good assumption to make when there's no response. Never make someone a priority that only makes you an option. If you take silence as an automatic no, then you know where you stand and can take your own action. 

I've known a lot of people that won't commit to decisions. For all of them, opportunities have passed by that they will never have again. Don't let it happen to you because you're waiting on him.


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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

Satya said:


> It's a good assumption to make when there's no response. Never make someone a priority that only makes you an option. If you take silence as an automatic no, then you know where you stand and can take your own action.
> 
> I've known a lot of people that won't commit to decisions. For all of them, opportunities have passed by that they will never have again. Don't let it happen to you because you're waiting on him.


I'm definitely not waiting on him - I've been working on my own happiness. It's doing me the world of good. I'm doing all of the things that I put off while I was with him. Loving life right now :smile2:


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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

Update on where things are at now.

We have had a bit of email contact. He tells me that his sister is coming home from overseas soon (July) and that we should go out for dinner when she is back. He is still wanting to be friends I think.

I have been looking for answers to his personality type online and have come to the conclusion he is either a narcissist or an emotional abuser. He never hit me.

I can be "friendly"but not his "friend". I haven't committed to anything. I would like to see my SIL though as she has some issues which make me want to be there for her. 

Something I hadn't brought up before here is that his Father sexually molested his sister for years when she was a child. H is younger by 2 years and says he didn't know it was happening until he was an adult and married to his first wife. 1st wife stopped contact with the IL's as she didn't want he children exposed to it. 
His Mother knew about the abuse and did nothing to stop it. When I told my GP this, I asked her what kind of person allows that to happen to their child and do nothing? She replied - someone who is being controlled. His Father died before we met so I never knew him, his Mother died last year. My opinion of her went downhill when I found out about a year after we were married.
I think H's behaviour is a sign that he had narcissistic parents and he learnt the controlling behaviour from them both.
His first wife called him cold.

Right now, I'm feeling a bit sorry for him as if and when he takes up with anyone new - nothing will change as he does not think there is anything wrong with him.


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