# Hello



## ClockworkRabbit

Hello everyone, I'm new here. Going through a lot right with my husband right now and am seeking out support and advise I guess. I'm hoping talking things through with others who are not in my direct social circle may help. Thank you for having me.


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## AllyCat702

What is the issue so we can help?


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## Numb26

Hello and welcome! How can we help?


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## ClockworkRabbit

AllyCat702 said:


> What is the issue so we can help?


My husband and I had an amazing relationship. Common interests, good communication, a great sex life. We were happy. Then he messed up really bad, made a massive mistake where he got himself arrested. I'm talking cops raiding our house at 6am to drag us out of bed messed up. He had lost his job several months ago and we're waiting for a small business to open that we were working on with friends, he was going to work there as a manager. He went to jail for one night and tried to come home and I just couldn't have him here, so he has been staying at his father's house for the last three weeks. His crime is something to be ashamed of, has alienated our friends and burned the bridge of him working at our friends business. We are trying to work on rebuilding our relationship, but my trust has been broken. I'm also struggling the guilt of even wanting to salvage our marriage after what he did. We have had almost a decade of happiness and one short period of depression and boredom dragged him into a hole that ruined our life. In the end though I miss him and I love him. Sorry if I'm being a little vague, I'm embarrassed and ashamed of what he did.


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## Al_Bundy

Nobody knows who you are here. 

What did he do to have the cops raid your house and shame you?


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## ClockworkRabbit

Al_Bundy said:


> Nobody knows who you are here.
> 
> What did he do to have the cops raid your house and shame you?


He was caught in a chatroom that was sharing child pornography.


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## RNSoSo

Do you two have children yourselves?


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## Diana7

ClockworkRabbit said:


> He was caught in a chatroom that was sharing child pornography.Was


Has he admitted it? Has he been charged?


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## Mr.Married

That is going to follow him the rest of his life. You may love him and have great memories but I don’t think you want that stigma the rest of your life. It is like paying for a crime you didn’t commit. I know what I would do .....


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## frenchpaddy

THIS is something that he will have to Carrie all his life , there are many jobs he can never go into , 

when I was younger there was a big number of people identified by FBI in my country Ireland that used to visit this type internet sites 

one business was targeted and the business was badly affected before the owner a woman was often on TV but after she was never again seen 
the rummer was that it was her son that was 17 at the time was using the office pc but it was the husband /father was charged 

even though most of the people investigated never got prison they were left with that stigma the rest of your life. 

you have to think of it from many different sides 
you are going to have to know how big this was 
even what was pushing him to go to these sites 
only he knows what he was think of when looking at them sites 
was it something that looks bad to you 
how much information are you able get about this for your self 

even if he is not charged your going to have to judge him so you know first this is the last of it 
I am no expert on this but you have found a side to him that is a game changer 
and if you have kids that is going to impact on it as well ,


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## EveningThoughts

Did you want children in your future?

Many people still love their partner after finding out something terrible, like an affair. The love doesn't die straight away for everyone as they cling to what was and the happy memories. But you can't stay in love with the past and eventually reality has to be faced.

You will start to question everything. 
Did this really only happen this one time? Has he always had this side to him, and even if he doesn't get caught again, how do you now he isn't thinking about these things still?
You can't be the thought police for the rest of your life.
The fun of this relationship is over.
If you met him now, or started dating again, would you be OK with a man that was into this abuse?


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## Luckylucky

I don’t think you should be ashamed and embarrassed, that’s his thing.


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## D0nnivain

This is going to sound awful but are we talking pictures of 16-17 year olds or true little kids? Both are bad / illegal but I could more easily get past the one than the other. I know 2 people that ended up with legal trouble because of teenagers on line but I would not have the ability to continue if it had been little kids. 

The gossips will die down eventually. His lawyers may be able to plead things down. He will have to work harder to find a job with a a felony conviction but it's not impossible. If he gets stuck with a sexual predator label that may restrict where he can live which will effect you. 

Right now everything is raw & in flux. What happens next in part is up to you. Do you want to stand by him or did this flip a switch in your head & now you are just done? Really think about that.


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## Andy1001

frenchpaddy said:


> THIS is something that he will have to Carrie all his life , there are many jobs he can never go into ,
> 
> when I was younger there was a big number of people identified by FBI in my country Ireland that used to visit this type internet sites
> 
> one business was targeted and the business was badly affected before the owner a woman was often on TV but after she was never again seen
> the rummer was that it was her son that was 17 at the time was using the office pc but it was the husband /father was charged
> 
> even though most of the people investigated never got prison they were left with that stigma the rest of your life.
> 
> you have to think of it from many different sides
> you are going to have to know how big this was
> even what was pushing him to go to these sites
> only he knows what he was think of when looking at them sites
> was it something that looks bad to you
> how much information are you able get about this for your self
> 
> even if he is not charged your going to have to judge him so you know first this is the last of it
> I am no expert on this but you have found a side to him that is a game changer
> and if you have kids that is going to impact on it as well ,


The cook?


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## MarmiteC

ClockworkRabbit said:


> We have had almost a decade of happiness and one short period of depression and boredom dragged him into a hole that ruined our life.


Depression or boredom? Has he explained his actions to you? One is medical, the other is not. Did he have some kind of clinical mental breakdown? Was he under medical guidance at the time? 

If he was bored on the other hand, that's very different.
And as others ask, how old were these 'children'?


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## frenchpaddy

MarmiteC said:


> Depression or boredom?  Has he explained his actions to you? One is medical, the other is not. Did he have some kind of clinical mental breakdown? Was he under medical guidance at the time?
> 
> If he was bored on the other hand, that's very different.
> And as others ask, how old were these 'children'?


true 
on the bored side of things , it takes two to make it work if one tries to make a effort 
and gets knocked down to often they stop making the effort , 
both could be even making efforts but have their timing out , 

long time together can bring its good points as its bad points , we get taken for granted or that too much for granted


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## ClockworkRabbit

To answer some of.the questions...

He has one son from a previous marriage, whom the mother has taken custody of at this time. 

No, I actually didn't want children of my own, I was happy being a step mom. 

I do not not know the extent of what was being shared in that chatroom. He did tell me it was never about the content but the rise he got out of doing something he knew he shouldn't be doing. He promises he is not attracted to children. 

He has admitted to it. I have given him the chance to sit down and tell me everything (because I do have a lawyer and I will know it all eventually) and so far everything he told me was the truth and I have not been surprised by any information from the case based on what he told me. 

He definitely has a major sense of guilt and remorse. He says this was the first time. He is making a lot of effort to try and fix things by going to therapy, suggesting couples therapy, making plans on how to address the stigma with our social circle, researching job search assistance programs and being really respectful of my choices and need for space. 

We have talked about resentment down the line due to our lives never being able to go back to how it was. About how we may be able to get through this crisis together but what happens down the line if negative feelings start to develop. It's something we are considering and are discussing with our individual therapists.


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## Diana7

ClockworkRabbit said:


> To answer some of.the questions...
> 
> He has one son from a previous marriage, whom the mother has taken custody of at this time.
> 
> No, I actually didn't want children of my own, I was happy being a step mom.
> 
> I do not not know the extent of what was being shared in that chatroom. He did tell me it was never about the content but the rise he got out of doing something he knew he shouldn't be doing. He promises he is not attracted to children.
> 
> He has admitted to it. I have given him the chance to sit down and tell me everything (because I do have a lawyer and I will know it all eventually) and so far everything he told me was the truth and I have not been surprised by any information from the case based on what he told me.
> 
> He definitely has a major sense of guilt and remorse. He says this was the first time. He is making a lot of effort to try and fix things by going to therapy, suggesting couples therapy, making plans on how to address the stigma with our social circle, researching job search assistance programs and being really respectful of my choices and need for space.
> 
> We have talked about resentment down the line due to our lives never being able to go back to how it was. About how we may be able to get through this crisis together but what happens down the line if negative feelings start to develop. It's something we are considering and are discussing with our individual therapists.


If he wasn't interested in children sexually then he wouldn't have done it. Sorry guys like this lie. Believe me I know. You need to get him to be honest about exactly what images and videos were involved. If he refuses to tell you then ask the police. You may be very shocked. Was it small children? Ages? Which sex? Content? Rapes? Sexual abuse? Naked pictures? I don't see how you can possibly make any decisions when you have no idea of the seriousness of the child abuse he watched and sought out. Plus him saying it's the first time, they all say that. Phedoiphiles always deny and minimise.

Have the police taken his electrical devices away to examine? Has he been charged?
He isn't going to get the help he needs unless he admits to who he us and what he is attracted to. However men who are sexually attracted to children won't loose that attraction. No amount of counselling will change that.
To me this is far more serious than say an affair, and most here would advise you to leave him if he had cheated, he could well be a danger to children and if you were in the UK he would be put on the sex offenders register and may well be jailed. He would have to live under strict rules of where he can and can't go, what jobs he can't do and so on.
I couldn't live with a phedophile.


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## frenchpaddy

I am not an expert in this field , I have no idea what they talk about in this type chat room , only he knows what brought him there , some people go to sites like this out of just wanting to know what goes on , and even with a idea of reporting to the police , 

not been a therapists.it seems like you are doing things right and better than I could advise you 
looks like you have things covered 
it is one of these things that you only learn when it is dumped in your lap


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## D0nnivain

ClockworkRabbit said:


> He did tell me it was never about the content but the rise he got out of doing something he knew he shouldn't be doing.


Ewwww. . . that I really don't know how to process. I don't do well will stupid & this was really a dumb choice. 

How does this make you feel? Maybe in a week or two you can start a pros & cons list about staying married.


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## lifeistooshort

Diana7 said:


> If he wasn't interested in children sexually then he wouldn't have done it. Sorry guys like this lie. Believe me I know. You need to get him to be honest about exactly what images and videos were involved. If he refuses to tell you then ask the police. You may be very shocked. Was it small children? Ages? Which sex? Content? Rapes? Sexual abuse? Naked pictures? I don't see how you can possibly make any decisions when you have no idea of the seriousness of the child abuse he watched and sought out. Plus him saying it's the first time, they all say that. Phedoiphiles always deny and minimise.
> 
> Have the police taken his electrical devices away to examine? Has he been charged?
> He isn't going to get the help he needs unless he admits to who he us and what he is attracted to. However men who are sexually attracted to children won't loose that attraction. No amount of counselling will change that.
> To me this is far more serious than say an affair, and most here would advise you to leave him if he had cheated, he could well be a danger to children and if you were in the UK he would be put on the sex offenders register and may well be jailed. He would have to live under strict rules of where he can and can't go, what jobs he can't do and so on.
> I couldn't live with a phedophile.


Absolutely true. That is the biggest crock of ****...the thrill of doing something he shouldn't be doing. That's insulting to everyone's intelligence.

Please....as Diana said people who aren't into kids don't look at kids. It's disgusting to anyone who doesn't think like that.

If it was about a thrill he'd be looking at strippers or cam girls....actual grown women.

Why does he need therapy if it wasn't about the content? The fact is that your hb gets off on kids and probably always has. My mom's parents had a basically happy marriage for over 50 years until he died but he was still a pedophile.....I know first hand. Her mother did plenty of burying her head in the sand and covering for him and he never went to jail (no internet and he was never prosecuted for what he did to us).

Think long and hard about what your life is going to be like with him. Everyone knows and you will be guilty by association,, you'll always wonder if he's doing it again, and he almost certainly will because people with this sickness don't stop.


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## Mr.Married

He likes looking at naked kids .... end of story


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## Luckylucky

Depression and boredom didn’t lead him there. I don’t want to type what lead him there, you know what lead him there anyway.


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## Diana7

Mr.Married said:


> He likes looking at naked kids .... end of story


And possibly kids being horribly abused😢


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## Enigma32

ClockworkRabbit said:


> I do not not know the extent of what was being shared in that chatroom. He did tell me it was never about the content but the rise he got out of doing something he knew he shouldn't be doing. He promises he is not attracted to children.


Ok, I can understand wanting to do something just because you aren't supposed to do it. I can also understand checking out weird crap online that you aren't attracted to. Those are actually logical arguments and things I think a lot of people have done if they think about it, even if they won't admit it. However, something tells me this wasn't a one time thing. Also, there are limits to such morbid curiousity.

Does anyone else remember the 2girls1cup video that was all over the internet a few years back? A lot of people watched it just to see what it was, but then everyone had the same reaction, to get grossed out and stop looking at it. So, imagine your husband was just being curious and was just trying to do something he shouldn't. He goes onto a kiddie (I assume very young) porn exchange site, but instead of leaving immediately out of disgust, he sticks around long enough to get busted. If that isn't his thing, then why did he spend enough time there that he got caught? Not to mention, where does one even go to find such content? I surf the web more than almost anyone I know and I have never run into a kiddie porn site. Your husband most likely had to seek this content out and I can't imagine it's too easy to find. 

I think you are being fed some lies here. I personally know a sex offender who went on to marry some girl. He told her and her family an entirely different story than what actually happened. That's because if normal people hear the truth of things, they will recoil in dusgust. As would you, if your husband told you the truth about what he was likely really doing.


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## frenchpaddy

does this now make him a pedophile ?


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## Diana7

frenchpaddy said:


> does this now make him a pedophile ?


If the content he sought out was for prepubescent children yes. Even if was for younger to mid teens it's still gross.


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## frenchpaddy

Diana7 said:


> If the content he sought out was for prepubescent children yes. Even if was for younger to mid teens it's still gross.


gross. for me if under 20 , and it seem to be a chat room for like minded people , 
FOR ME THE IMPORTANT PART IS HE SEEMS TO BE GETTING THE RIGHT TYPE OF HELP 
What label is put on him I don't care , 
The fact that this type chat room can run is sad , there is so much that goes on beside us without us knowing is sad


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## Diana7

frenchpaddy said:


> gross. for me if under 20 , and it seem to be a chat room for like minded people ,
> FOR ME THE IMPORTANT PART IS HE SEEMS TO BE GETTING THE RIGHT TYPE OF HELP
> What label is put on him I don't care ,
> The fact that this type chat room can run is sad , there is so much that goes on beside us without us knowing is sad


I have watched several documentaries about the police investigating this and the men who use child porn and it's horrific what is on the internet. Even babies and toddlers being raped and horribly abused. Just sickening.


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