# I just dont know how to feel right now...



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

As some of you may remember, I posted something on here about a week or so ago about suspecting that my husband watches porn.

I saw something on his phone that led me to believe that he may watch porn. I saw where he had typed in the names of two females, which I discovered were porn stars. I was immediately hurt and felt like crying. It wasn't so much the fact that he may watch porn (although I won't lie, I wasnt thrilled with the idea), it was that he didn't make me aware of it. I will admit that I watch porn every now and then, as in maybe once every few weeks at the most. However, I made sure to let him know about it because I dont like feeling as though Im doing anything behind his back. I like for everything to be completely out in the open. If theres anything that Im doing that I think he may be uncomfortable with, I tell him about it. Hes pretty laid back and doesnt get upset over a lot of things so I didnt really expect him to be upset over it, and of course he wasnt. He acts like he could care less whether I watch porn or not. So when I found out that he could be watching porn and didnt share this with me, despite the fact that I shared with him, I was pretty upset. 

As I said, of course Im not thrilled with the idea of him looking at other women and getting off... but since I watch it too, I dont have room to say much but I think we should at least be able to be honest with each other about it. 

At first, I wasnt going to bring this up to him. I decided to not speak to him about it while my emotions were all over the place. Instead, I took a few days, thought about it rationally and decided I was just overreacting, and after talking to some of you here, I came to the conclusion that I could be upset over nothing. For all I knew, he may not even watch porn... Sure I found the names of the pornstars on his phone, but that doesn't mean that they were there for HIM to watch. I had no idea why the names were there so I decided to just try to forget about it and not get upset over something until knowing all the facts.

Well, I ended up bringing it up to him anyway. No matter how hard I tried to just push it out of my mind, I couldnt. For some reason, I just had a gut feeling that my suspicions weren't wrong. It turns out I was right. I brought it up to him in a very calm and non accusatory way. In fact, I wasn't even planning on bringing it up at all... we were talking and it was just kind of a last minute decision to bring it up. At first I didnt mention anything about the names that I found. I just asked him something like "Im just curious, when was the last time you watched porn/masterbated?" He was hesitant to answer me about it but I explained to him that I know he watches it because hes a guy and that most guys do. And I told him that he didn't have to hide it from me and that I wasn't going to get mad. He works for a local trucking company and he is gone from the house usually 12-14 hours a day, 5 days a week. At first he tried saying something like "How would I even have time to do that at work?" I said to him "Im not stupid. I know you aren't working the whole entire time... I know there are times when you have a few minutes to spare while in your truck". So anyway, he finally admitted to it and said that it had been about a week since he had watched it, and thats when I told him that the reason I asked was because of the names that I found.

Initially, he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about... and then he suddenly remembered. He never did deny that they were pornstar names and never came up for an excuse for them. So apparently my suspicions were correct and he put the names there for his own use. 

I explained to him that it hurt me that he didnt share this with me and that he really shouldn't try to hide things behind my back. No, I never specifically asked him "do you watch porn" but he never gave me any clue at all that he watches it, even though I told him that I watch it, he still never felt the need to inform me about it, so I just assumed that he didnt. The way I look at it, I shouldnt have to ask. I told him that I watch it, not because he asked but because we are married and its something that I feel he should know about. 

I knew that he watched it years ago but I assumed he had stopped, since he never said otherwise. When we first started dating, he told me that he used to rent porn videos (This was way before we got together). He wouldnt admit to it at first but he did finally. He told me that when he first started driving a truck (about 12 years ago) he used to stop at a place in Florida and rent videos. He said this was his only way to have access to it at that time because there was no such thing as smart phones, so he couldnt access it on his phone like he can now. He said he only stopped at the place in Florida and never anywhere close to his house because he didnt want to run into anyone that he knew. He was married before me, and at this time, he was still married to his ex. When we were talking about this the other day, I specifically asked him if he was renting these videos behind his ex's back. He said that he was because he knew that she wouldnt like it and that he'd get into a lot of trouble. I said to him "if you were doing something you thought she wouldnt like, why not just be honest and say Look. Ive been watching porn, I know you wont like it but I wanted to be honest with you about it." He basically responded by saying that he didnt tell her about it because if she had have told him that she didnt want him watching it anymore, he wouldn't be able to do it. He might tell her that he wouldnt watch it anymore, but he said he wouldnt really be able to stop and that he would still end up having to do it behind her back anyway. 

I was a little alarmed when he said that he doesnt think that he would be able to stop if his spouse asked him to. He even said to me "Maybe I'm addicted... I dont know." Now, I know most people say that youre not addicted unless you watch it everyday and you spend more time watching porn/masterbating than having sex with your partner. Thats not the case here. We have sex pretty regularly, at least once or twice a week, sometimes more, and he said he last time that he had watched it had been about a week.. so if he only watches it once a week, I dont think that would classify as being obsessed with it. But the fact that he doesnt think he would be able to stop.... even if it was something that he KNEW was hurting his spouse.... that raised some red flags. If he told me that he didn't want me watching porn because it truly bothered him and hurt him, I honestly think I could do it because porn isn't worth hurting the person that Im married to. Do you think its possible to stop watching porn if you really want to? He claims that he tried to stop before and that it might last like a month or something, but then he always gives in and then its like he cant stop watching it for a few days straight. 

He also admitted that maybe part of the reason he was hiding it was because its an adrenaline rush to know that hes doing something that he thinks hes not supposed to be doing.... which is another thing I dont really get because Im not like that. I dont get a thrill out of doing something that I think is wrong.... I just end up feeling guilty. 

He explained to me that internet porn wasnt always so available as it is now, and that when he was a teenager, all he had was one porn video. Now, you can get on the internet with just the click of a button and see anything you want to see. So in his words, he feels like he was missing out on it through his teenage years, so now hes "making up for lost times."

I explained to him that he didnt have to worry about me telling him to stop watching it because I watch it too, and it would be hypocritical of me to say "well I can watch it but you cant!". I told him I just want him to be honest with me about things because when I found out that hes been doing something behind my back, it makes me wonder if I can trust him or not, and you cant have a marriage with someone that you dont trust. 

I thought we were on the same page and everything was fine but here lately I just cant stop thinking about it. It still bothers me that he would hide it from me.... and that if he knew it was bothering me, he still wouldnt be able to make himself stop. And it bothers me more and more to think of him getting off to the image of other females. Especially when he has pictures and videos of ME.... he uesd to BEG me to send him provocative pics of me when we were dating but now he never asks... sometimes I send him some anyway but he doesn't seem like he gets as excited by them as he used to. I dont want to bring it up to him again or make it seem like Im nagging him about it. I just got done telling him that I want him to be honest with me about things, but theres no way he'll want to do that if he thinks that being honest just results in getting badgered and nagged all the time. That will just make him want to hide things from me even more, just to avoid any type of conflict. 

I know I cant tell him to stop watching it unless I stop watching it too, but honestly I think that I could do that. I think maybe I'd be happier if neither one of us watched it. I think it would be a little ridiculous to say that we can't ever masterbate.... because thats just a part of being human. But you dont HAVE to have porn to do that... what if I told him that he can masterbate all he wants but if he watches any pornographic material, it can only be videos/pictures of US, and I would do the same. Do you think that'd be unfair? But the fact that he tells me he doesnt think he'd be able to stop, makes me wonder if he would still be doing it anyway when I wasn't around. If thats the case, then whats the point? If youre going to tell me that youre not watching it when you really are, don't bother lying to me about it just to shut me up or tell me what I want to hear.... just be honest and tell me that youre watching it and that you dont care enough about my feelings to put forth the extra effort to stop.

I just hate the idea of him looking at some naked woman other than me, and getting off by it. I know that probably makes me really insecure but I just cant help it. I dont think its a good thing for either one of us to do. 

I just want to be able to trust him. And I hate being insecure and feeling so worthless about myself when I think about him looking at other women. Especially when I put so much time and effort into my looks.... Im in shape, I go tanning a lot, I wear make up, do my hair/nails.. all that stuff.... so it just makes me feel like gee... what else do I have to do to be good enough? I know a lot of guys say they dont watch porn because of the women in it LOOK and that its just the ACT of what the women are doing.... and my husband even admitted "They dont even have to be that great looking. I dont care, thats not why Im watching it"... but I still just cant help but to feel insecure.

Am I wrong for feeling like I cant trust him? Does it sound like he has a problem? I just dont know what to do or how to feel. Im trying so hard to just be fine with all of this and not make a big deal over it or overthink it too much but its just so difficult.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He sounds like he would lie to you if you asked him to stop. 

If you think it is ok for you to watch porn, why is it different for him? Do you believe it to be wrong for you now? 

You have perceived a difference in his response to you. That is a place to open dialog. But expect him to deny any such change. 

My h stopped watching porn. He had a slip 1.5 years ago - confirmed via poly. 

I suspect your h is really just saying he doesn't want to stop and is using an excuse.

Maybe share that Yourbrainonporn site with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> And I told him that he didn't have to hide it from me and that I wasn't going to get mad.


Then you lied to him, didn't you? You _are _mad. 

You said that to manipulate him - to make him feel at ease and to trust you to tell you something that he was afraid to tell you. But first you tried to trap him by not telling him you snooped in his phone and found the porn names on his phone, and waited to see if he'd tell you the truth when you asked about it. You lied when you said, "I'm just curious, when was the last time you..." You weren't just curious. You had a problem and lied in order to make him think you wouldn't be upset.

You aren't being honest with him. You don't like him watching porn and you want him to stop, but you have been pretending with him that you aren't upset about it. 



> I explained to him that he didnt have to worry about me telling him to stop watching it because I watch it too, and it would be hypocritical of me to say "well I can watch it but you cant!". I told him I just want him to be honest with me about things because when I found out that hes been doing something behind my back, it makes me wonder if I can trust him or not, and you cant have a marriage with someone that you dont trust.


Then you lied about that, too. You do want him to stop and you do want to tell him to stop. 

With all this lying you do to hide your real thoughts and feelings, does he really have any idea who he has married? You aren't the person you are pretending to be with him. You aren't trustworthy with how you portray yourself.

Don't blame him for hiding things from you when you are doing the same, you just don't see it.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

At first I didnt see anything wrong with me watching it. I dont watch much so Im not obsessed over it or anything. But I told him about it anyway just because hes my husband and if theres anything that Im doing that he may have a problem with, I tell him about it. As I said he doesnt get upset very easily so of course he was fine with it. So I continued watching... if he saw no problem, then I saw no problem either. He said absolutely nothing about him watching it though so I just assumed he didnt watch it anymore.

I tried to have the attitude of "All guys watch it at least every once in a while. Thats just how it is". And I think thats true in most cases... but Ive been thinking, when it gets to the point where you dont think you are physically able to stop watching it, and you would go so far as to lie to your spouse about it when they ask you to stop, maybe porn is more powerful and can do more damage than I thought.

So now Im thinking maybe its wrong for either one of us to watch it. If he had have just been honest about it from the start, like I was with him, and if he didnt seem to think that theres no way he can stop, I probably wouldnt think it was that serious. If he asked me to stop watching, I know I could do it.... it might be hard at first but bottom line is, my husband and his feelings come FIRST.. not porn. Im not going to keep intentionally doing something that I know is hurting him, and then lie about it. If I truly cared about him, I'd be doing whatever I could to stop. Just like the website that you mentioned, there are a million other websites just like that one, which give all kinds of tips and suggestions on how to stop. I think if he really wanted to, he could. Like you said, I think he just doesnt want to.

It just really hurts me to think that he could put porn before my feelings. I dont think it would be unreasonable to ask him to not look at it anymore. Its not like Id be asking him to not pleasure himself at all anymore... he still could, just without looking at porn. I know I could do it so why couldnt he? I know men are visual and they need visual stimulation... but we have tons of videos and pictures of us... he could always look at those if needed. I guess there would be no point in asking him to stop though since hes made it clear that he "cant" and that he'd just lie about it and keep doing it.

I think the only way would be to convince him that he CAN stop. Maybe show him that website and have him try some of the things that it suggests. Or maybe bring it up to him from a biblical standpoint. He is a Christian and he goes to church regularly... a lot more often than I do. It seems like on certain issues he looks at them from a Christian view and on others he doesnt. Its like he picks and chooses. Like before we got married, he didnt want me to live with him because he apparently didnt believe in living together before marriage... plus I think he was worried what his "church friends" would think... but yet he had no problem having sex with me before marriage. And he obviously has no problem looking at porn even though the bible clearly says "whoever looked on a women to lust after has committed adultery within his heart". Lust is having a strong sexual desire.... watching porn is lusting.... about someone or something which does not involve the person youre married to.

I understand just because youre married doesnt mean you stop finding other people attractive. It happens to me all the time. When I see an attractive guy, I cant help but to notice that hes attractive.... but thats it. Nothing more goes through my mind other than "Wow hes cute." I dont sit there and imagine what he looks like naked and fantasize about him or "lust" after him. And I know my husband notices attractive females too.... Im not bothered by that. But It does make me wonder now, since he seems to be so infatuated with porn, if maybe he does a little more than notice. How do I know that when he sees a cute girl, he doesnt imagine doing something to her that he watched in one of his porn videos? I know I cant control what goes on in his head, and I dont even want to know what all goes on in his head.... but thats something that would really bother me. 

My only fear would be that maybe if he didnt have porn to watch, maybe instead of fantasizing about some porno chick, he'd be fantasizing about some girl that he actually knows... or maybe he'd even be more likely to cheat if he didnt have porn to watch. Or am I just being ridiculous?

In my opinion if he HAS to have porn so that he wont go out and do the real thing with someone else, he isnt ready to be married, he should have just stayed single and he could be with as many girls as he wanted.

I just dont know what to do because I dont want to restrict him too much or act like Im his mother and I want him to be able to tell me things instead of hiding them from me. But when your spouse is doing something that bothers you and it just wont go away no matter how much you try to ignore it, what are you supposed to do? Just stay silent and act like everything is just fine when it isnt?

Im just hurt... hurt that he didnt tell me about it and hurt that he basically told me that he would lie about it because he doesnt think its possible to quit. I mean is it really that important to him that he would lie to the person hes married to??? I dont think he has any idea how much that hurts my feelings and how much it disappoints me. 

And im worried that even if I did convince him that he could stop and he succeeded, what would he be doing next that I didnt approve of? Hes already said that he gets kind of a high from doing things that he isnt supposed to.... so it worries me that theres always going to be something that he feels the need to hide.... if its not porn it will be something else. 

I have issues with insecurity anyway.... and things like this just make it that much worse. His logic would be "well see, you'd have been better off just not knowing about it because all it did was make you feel insecure." No.... thats not true. Because it makes me feel even more insecure knowing that he would try to hide it from me. At least if hes honest with me, we can discuss it and come to some sort of agreement as to how we are going to handle it, as opposed to just keeping it secret and pretending theres no issue.

I may sound like a nut case, but honestly I feel like just crawling in bed right now and never getting up. When the person that you marry, the person who made vows to you and is supposed to be able to tell you anything, makes you feel like you cant trust them, it really hurts. And I cant help but to get the image out of my mind of him getting off to looking at someone else. Maybe that makes me the most insecure and pathetic person in the world... but thats just how I feel. Maybe its not the actual girls in the pornos and maybe it is just the acts that they are performing... I dont know... but it bothers me regardless.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

It is hypocritical to ask someone not to do something that you do! You watch it also, it would be unfair to ask him to stop while you are still watching it yourself.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

norajane said:


> Then you lied to him, didn't you? You _are _mad.
> 
> You said that to manipulate him - to make him feel at ease and to trust you to tell you something that he was afraid to tell you. But first you tried to trap him by not telling him you snooped in his phone and found the porn names on his phone, and waited to see if he'd tell you the truth when you asked about it. You lied when you said, "I'm just curious, when was the last time you..." You weren't just curious. You had a problem and lied in order to make him think you wouldn't be upset.
> 
> ...


I've been having mixed feelings on the issue. Its not like Ive been mad about it this whole time. I found the names a week ago and yes at first I was upset... but I decided to take the time to think about it all rationally before I brought it up. After talking to people on here and thinking about it, I decided that I could possibly be upset over nothing and it probably wasnt even worth bringing it up. So for a few days there, I was feeling fine. But then one day we were talking, I dont remember what about... just having a general conversation. And as I said, I just spontaneously decided to ask about the masterbation/porn thing. I wasn't intentionally trying to trap him. I wasnt even going to bring up the thing about the names because I thought it might embarrass him. The only reason I even told him about the names was because he started asking me questions... Like "Why are you asking??? Are you doing some kind of online survey or something?" so I finally just came out and admitted that the reason I really asked was because of the names that I found. Otherwise, I probably wouldnt have even mentioned the names. 

And I didnt just pick up his phone and decide to start looking through it. He accidentally left his phone on the dresser next to the bed when he left to go to church one morning. I was in bed asleep and his phone alarm started going off. I turned it off, rolled over and went back to sleep. It started going off again and woke me up a few minutes later. So I pick up his phone and Im trying to figure out how to turn off the alarm and thats when I just so happened to notice the names. I didnt have to do any snooping.... they were on the display screen of his phone. So its not like I had to go digging through it or anything.

When my husband and I were having this discussion, I stayed calm and I didnt get mad and I had no intention of getting mad. I had taken a few days to cool off and think about it and at this time, I felt that it was safe to talk about without getting riled up over it. I just wanted him to be honest with me about it and I really thought that that'd be the end of it. The only thing that really upset me was when he told me that he doesn't think that he'd be able to stop.... and that he'd go so far as to lie about it if he was asked to stop. How am I not supposed to get upset over that? Youre telling me that doesnt sound like he has a problem?

The reason why I dont want to ask him to stop and why Im trying to just be fine with it all is because I want him to be comfortable enough with me to tell me anything.... and if I make a big deal about this and tell him "ok the truth is I want you to stop" then hes just going to go back to thinking that he has to hide stuff from me to avoid this type of conflict. Im not trying to hide my feelings from him... Im just trying to think about this very carefully before saying anything that i will regret.

Literally, my emotions have been all over the place this whole week. One day I feel fine with it all then the next day it really bothers me and I cant get it out of my head. I dont even know how I feel about this whole thing... I keep going back and forth to trying to think about it logically and rationally to thinking with emotions... so how can my husband know how I truly feel if I dont even know?


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

ladybird said:


> It is hypocritical to ask someone not to do something that you do! You watch it also, it would be unfair to ask him to stop while you are still watching it yourself.


I know... thats why I would be willing to stop watching it also. The difference is, if he asked me to stop, I think I could.... but according to him, if he was asked to stop, he doesn't think he'd be able to.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> As some of you may remember, I posted something on here about a week or so ago about suspecting that my husband watches porn.
> 
> I saw something on his phone that led me to believe that he may watch porn. I saw where he had typed in the names of two females, which I discovered were porn stars. I was immediately hurt and felt like crying. It wasn't so much the fact that he may watch porn (although I won't lie, I wasnt thrilled with the idea), it was that he didn't make me aware of it. I will admit that I watch porn every now and then, as in maybe once every few weeks at the most. However, I made sure to let him know about it because I dont like feeling as though Im doing anything behind his back. I like for everything to be completely out in the open. If theres anything that Im doing that I think he may be uncomfortable with, I tell him about it. Hes pretty laid back and doesnt get upset over a lot of things so I didnt really expect him to be upset over it, and of course he wasnt. He acts like he could care less whether I watch porn or not. So when I found out that he could be watching porn and didnt share this with me, despite the fact that I shared with him, I was pretty upset.
> 
> ...



This is from my experiences and a guy's perspective.

Us men are built on testosterone and that means we have much higher sex drives. I would go as far and say its like a drug to us, for most guys anyway.

Men are very visual and physical.

Us men think about sex most of the time, and if we had the opportunity, we would have sex every day and multiple times a day.

Porn stars are super attractive men and women, that love sex, get paid extremely well and enjoy being the center of attention. These are not every day realistic people, they are only fantasies.

For a man not to look at lady magazines, no porn, no sexy women wearing swimware at the beaches, etc., is near impossible.

If you both watched porn before, there should be no issue now, just watch most of it together.

You shouldn't feel hurt or insecure at all. He isn't going out and meeting these porn stars having sex with them. They wouldn't even look at him!!! It's fantasies for him and doing things you probably wouldn't like to do or wear, etc.

How's this? Find out what kinds of porn he likes and do that with him and dress up too. But don't let him know, surprise him.

Just because you might want to stop viewing porn, doesn't mean he has to give it up also. This is a man we are talking about and not a woman.

How's this for a compromise? Tell him no more porn, but in return, you will do the things he liked to watch in those porn sites. And if he has a high sex drive, you take care of his needs as well, whether its once every day or 1 - 2x every few days. But if you don't do any of this in return, don't expect him to just go cold turkey for nothing. Ween him off the porn by doing what they do and dressing up and no more vanilla sex, only adventurous sex.

I too am a God fearing man but my sex drive was super high in my teens and early 20's and I also went to church. I remember viewing porn daily and relieving myself many times each day. I can control myself now and keep the porn to a bare minimum, but my sex drive is still very high.

And since you watch porn as well, you opened that pandora's box and now you want to close it? Not likely going to happen, unless you rock his world and often.


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## herblackwings (May 16, 2013)

I learned to hide porn at a young age and continue to this day. I'm
Very good at hiding it. The women in porn are infinitely more attractive than my wife. They will stay that way as my wife ages. The technology in porn is going to get better - 4k resolution,
Better 3d, interactive, etc... Honestly women will be competing with porn forever and it's an uphill battle. Think about the last 5 years. Pulling porn up on an old flip phone wasn't great but it was possible to see some topless chicks for a quick session. Now with today's phones you get it all. Now think about what well have in 5 years. My point is that he will forever hide it and you will forever compete with it. And should you divorce and find a new man then likely he'll lie and hide it too. I'm in my 30's and have yet to meet another guy who doesn't watch it. Sex with my wife is boring so I use porn about 90% of the time and her for the other 10% of my needs. I can't wait to see where the tech
Will take it in the future. I feel bad for women - trying to compete with this is going to be challenging. Try to peruse him more and tell him you want first shot at his "shot" of the day.
Sex him up and keep it interesting. Don't give him an opertuninry to turn to it. If you get him before he
Gets to the porn, then you have a shot. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The guys in the road for how many days at a time? With no access to you. If porn ties him over it should be the least of your worries. If you want him to stop you're going to need to be available.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Is porn affecting how often you have sex, or how good it is when you do? Does he treat you differently than in the past, and is that because of porn?

If not, I don't see why there is a problem. Your husband may want sex more often than twice a week - or at least release of sexual tension, which is easier to achieve with the visual stimulation of porn. On average, most men will want release at least every other day - more if they are younger. If there isn't a problem because of it, it's his body and his mind, and he should have the right to some privacy. Do you also track his bowel movements or require that he tell you about them? It just seems a little silly to worry about something as normal as masturbation, with or without visual aids.

Even averaging daily sex, there are times I may still watch porn when my wife is too tired or sick to be in the mood, or just because I may want just a little more than she does that day. It's easier than trying to use my imagination all the time. She knows I do occasionally, but it clearly has no effect on _our _sex life, so she doesn't care.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Its not that he can't stop its that he dosen't want to stop.


I sugest that you guy just be open about it and watch it together.

no need to stop.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

herblackwings said:


> I learned to hide porn at a young age and continue to this day. I'm
> Very good at hiding it. The women in porn are infinitely more attractive than my wife. They will stay that way as my wife ages. The technology in porn is going to get better - 4k resolution,
> Better 3d, interactive, etc... Honestly women will be competing with porn forever and it's an uphill battle. Think about the last 5 years. Pulling porn up on an old flip phone wasn't great but it was possible to see some topless chicks for a quick session. Now with today's phones you get it all. Now think about what well have in 5 years. My point is that he will forever hide it and you will forever compete with it. And should you divorce and find a new man then likely he'll lie and hide it too. I'm in my 30's and have yet to meet another guy who doesn't watch it. Sex with my wife is boring so I use porn about 90% of the time and her for the other 10% of my needs. I can't wait to see where the tech
> Will take it in the future. I feel bad for women - trying to compete with this is going to be challenging. Try to peruse him more and tell him you want first shot at his "shot" of the day.
> ...


As the resolution on porn increases I see that many are not "that attractive", it's just hot bodied folks, face and skin aren't "that good". It's just people doing porn.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> ...
> I just dont know what to do because *I dont want to restrict him too much* or *act like Im his mother* and I want him to be able to tell me things instead of hiding them from me. But when *your spouse is doing something that bothers you* and it just wont go away no matter how much you try to ignore it, what are you supposed to do? Just stay silent and act like everything is just fine when it isnt?...


I think that's hypocritical. It's like someone who smokes getting upset when they find out their husband smokes too.

So _every single time_ you have ever masturbated or looked at porn, you notified him about it? 

If he tells you every time he masturbates or looks at porn, you'll be happy?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Porn is one kettle of fish. Having your h tell you that he doesn't really care how you feel and would rather just lie to you about anything that he thinks might make you unhappy is another. 

I totally get why this has stuck in your head and you are having trouble letting it go. BTDT. For me, I couldn't help wondering if he could lie to me so long about that, what else could he lie about? And if he is totally unwilling to consider how his actions make me feel on this subject, what other subjects does he get to have 'privacy' about. After all, I've heard many men argue that hiring prostitutes and having a mistress is 'just sex' and doesn't change how they feel about their wives.

I say this not to fan your flames, but to suggest that this kind of slippery slope thinking makes it bloody difficult to let go. For me, I really had to examine my SO and relationship to see what other surprises I might be in store for. And I still sometimes wonder if I'm just deluding myself (or being deluded).

Lies are very destructive, and it takes a while to rebuild trust.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

herblackwings said:


> Honestly women will be competing with porn forever and it's an uphill battle. Think about the last 5 years. Pulling porn up on an old flip phone wasn't great but it was possible to see some topless chicks for a quick session. Now with today's phones you get it all. Now think about what well have in 5 years. My point is that he will forever hide it and you will forever compete with it. And should you divorce and find a new man then likely he'll lie and hide it too. I'm in my 30's and have yet to meet another guy who doesn't watch it. Sex with my wife is boring so I use porn about 90% of the time and her for the other 10% of my needs.


Oi. :banghead:

And men wonder why women sometimes get upset by porn use.

If you really feel that porn is better to *use* than your wife, why are you still with her? Do yourself and her a favour by divorcing and getting yourself a brand new high def monitor.

Part of me really hopes that she feels the same way about you, that there's zero chance you could possibly compete with the hot celebs and athletes she finds attractive, and that your ugly and boring a$$ is only 10% of her gratification.


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## herblackwings (May 16, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Oi. :banghead:
> 
> And men wonder why women sometimes get upset by porn use.
> 
> ...



We have kids so we stay. And I'm certain you are right - her affair got her the emotional stuff she needed with the sex to boot.
It's ended now but my high def monitor still runs like new 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I think your real problem is that you have control issues. I have read many of your other threads and it appears ( to me) that when you are unhappy with your husband it's because you don't have control of the situation.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The guys in the road for how many days at a time? With no access to you. If porn ties him over it should be the least of your worries. If you want him to stop you're going to need to be available.


He's not gone days at a time. He doesn't work for an over the road company, its a local company so he gets to come home every single day and is off on weekends. He works long hours but he does come home everyday. Others have suggested they watch porn because sex with their wife is boring or too "vanilla" or whatever but honestly I don't consider our sex to be that way. We do are types of different positions, we do oral, I even let him take pics and videos of me doing this stuff.... and sometimes when he's at work I will voluntarily send him provocative pics of me. He seems to be satisfied with our sex... but yet he still feels the need to look at it at least once a week... because when I asked him yesterday how long it had been since he had watched it, he said it had been a week. That's more often than I watch it... I can go several weeks without it or sometimes a lot longer. I could try to pursue sex more often with him to see if that will satisfy his needs but as far as trying to do some of the things that he watches in these pornos, I don't know if that's going to happen. When we talked about it, I specifically told him that if there was anything new he wanted to try that he could tell me... and he didn't say anything. So I don't know if he just doesn't watch any particular types of porn that he likes and its usually just random, or if he just doesn't want to share it with me. I know he mentioned that bjs were one of his favorite things to watch in porn but I give him those all the time. In fact, according to him, I was the first person to ever give him one.... before I came along he had never done or received any oral which was always a fantasy of his so he pretty much loved it the first time we ever did that. But apparently he's gotten sick of watching just me give bjs.... I know that alot of this just comes from me being insecure which is why I hate to say anything else about it to him. If I do, ill most likely just feel like pathetic. I mean he's ok with me watching it so why can't I be ok with him doing it as long as he's not being excessive or denying me sex? Its all just fantasy... everyone fantasizes from time to time, married or not. I think in reality, the main problem here is me and the crap tnat goes on in my head... and the poor self image I have for myself. I get compliments from people and I even get hit on quite a bit but whenever it happens, I just think "who would want to hit on me?". Its like I don't want to believe that I look good... and its not just that, im extremely shy and don't talk much and it stops me from doing alot of things in life... which holds me back from doing alot. I've tried to overcome it but its just so hard. Lately I just feel like Im not worth anything... I probably get more compliments from strangers than my husband. When we were dating he used to tell me all the time that I was beautiful.... now its like I have to drag it out of him and its not like I look any different now than I did then. Its like I just constantly have to be reassured or I feel like crap about myself... I honestly don't even know why anyone would want to be with someone so needy and with no self confidence. I know I should just be happy he's not cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

NWCooper said:


> I think your real problem is that you have control issues. I have read many of your other threads and it appears ( to me) that when you are unhappy with your husband it's because you don't have control of the situation.


I think you're right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

kittykatz said:


> He's not gone days at a time. He doesn't work for an over the road company, its a local company so he gets to come home every single day and is off on weekends. He works long hours but he does come home everyday. Others have suggested they watch porn because sex with their wife is boring or too "vanilla" or whatever but honestly I don't consider our sex to be that way. We do are types of different positions, we do oral, I even let him take pics and videos of me doing this stuff.... and sometimes when he's at work I will voluntarily send him provocative pics of me. He seems to be satisfied with our sex... but yet he still feels the need to look at it at least once a week... because when I asked him yesterday how long it had been since he had watched it, he said it had been a week. That's more often than I watch it... I can go several weeks without it or sometimes a lot longer. I could try to pursue sex more often with him to see if that will satisfy his needs but as far as trying to do some of the things that he watches in these pornos, I don't know if that's going to happen. When we talked about it, I specifically told him that if there was anything new he wanted to try that he could tell me... and he didn't say anything. So I don't know if he just doesn't watch any particular types of porn that he likes and its usually just random, or if he just doesn't want to share it with me. I know he mentioned that bjs were one of his favorite things to watch in porn but I give him those all the time. In fact, according to him, I was the first person to ever give him one.... before I came along he had never done or received any oral which was always a fantasy of his so he pretty much loved it the first time we ever did that. But apparently he's gotten sick of watching just me give bjs.... I know that alot of this just comes from me being insecure which is why I hate to say anything else about it to him. If I do, ill most likely just feel like pathetic. I mean he's ok with me watching it so why can't I be ok with him doing it as long as he's not being excessive or denying me sex? Its all just fantasy... everyone fantasizes from time to time, married or not. I think in reality, the main problem here is me and the crap tnat goes on in my head... and the poor self image I have for myself. I get compliments from people and I even get hit on quite a bit but whenever it happens, I just think "who would want to hit on me?". Its like I don't want to believe that I look good... and its not just that, im extremely shy and don't talk much and it stops me from doing alot of things in life... which holds me back from doing alot. I've tried to overcome it but its just so hard. Lately I just feel like Im not worth anything... I probably get more compliments from strangers than my husband. When we were dating he used to tell me all the time that I was beautiful.... now its like I have to drag it out of him and its not like I look any different now than I did then. Its like I just constantly have to be reassured or I feel like crap about myself... I honestly don't even know why anyone would want to be with someone so needy and with no self confidence. I know I should just be happy he's not cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 What about watching it together? Would that be an option?


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

I could mention it but that's still no gurantee he wont be watching it when he's alone. I think I just need to accept it and get over it but its just hard to do. I just can't seem to think of him getting any type of sexual pleasure from thinking about anything or anyone other than me. But I know that's stupid and very unfair of me... I understand people have a need to masterbate, especially men, and that they need something to visually help and that most will get sick of watching strictly videos/pics of their spouse and they will want variety... logically I know all of this but emotionally I just can't seem to be able to even imagine it because that's just how insecure I am. I guess im just going to have to try to get over it somehow because honestly I would feel guilty and controlling to tell him to stop watching it... and chances are, he wouldn't stop anyway. He already basically admitted that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why do you watch porn? Is it because you are bored with your husband? No? Then why do you automatically assume he's watching porn because he's bored with you?

You have a good marriage and a good sex life and porn hasn't been a problem. You are creating the problems right now. Let it go.


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