# She says she has always been this way.



## Undisclosed hubby (Jun 19, 2018)

My wife of 8 years has always taken a long time to climax, which is not a problem, seeing as how I love going down on her.Since the beginning of our relationship, I can count on one hand how many times I have brought her to orgasm. She says she is satisfied with our sex life ,however 9 times out of 10 she takes care of it on her own. I have gone down on her for hours, to no avail, aside from a few times. I have been with many women and I have never had an issue getting any to climax, in fact, several have squirted on my face while giving them a tongue bath. I feel that anything I do to her, oral, fingers, penetration, gives her body negative reactions. Most of the time she will use a hitatchi or some form of vibration to get herself off, sometimes using fingers. It is very important to me that my wife has orgasms, maybe if I were self centered and didn't really care, it would be easier to deal with, that she can only get there when she does it. She says that her body is different and that this has always been the case for her. We recently split up and saw other people and I asked her if the other guy she slept with was able to get her off, she refuses to answer, and beats around the bush. She said that it was just sex with him and it wasn't the same as it is with us. We don't communicate well together, even on non sensitive issues. I have tried the whole time to get her to open up to me, regardless of how she thinks I will take it. I have tried truth or dare games in order to be vulnerable with one another, still we don't really talk. Any input would be appreciated, thanks.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Undisclosed hubby said:


> My wife of 8 years has always taken a long time to climax, which is not a problem, seeing as how I love going down on her.Since the beginning of our relationship, I can count on one hand how many times I have brought her to orgasm. She says she is satisfied with our sex life ,however 9 times out of 10 she takes care of it on her own. I have gone down on her for hours, to no avail, aside from a few times. I have been with many women and I have never had an issue getting any to climax, in fact, several have squirted on my face while giving them a tongue bath. I feel that anything I do to her, oral, fingers, penetration, gives her body negative reactions. Most of the time she will use a hitatchi or some form of vibration to get herself off, sometimes using fingers. It is very important to me that my wife has orgasms, maybe if I were self centered and didn't really care, it would be easier to deal with, that she can only get there when she does it. She says that her body is different and that this has always been the case for her. We recently split up and saw other people and I asked her if the other guy she slept with was able to get her off, she refuses to answer, and beats around the bush. She said that it was just sex with him and it wasn't the same as it is with us. We don't communicate well together, even on non sensitive issues. I have tried the whole time to get her to open up to me, regardless of how she thinks I will take it. I have tried truth or dare games in order to be vulnerable with one another, still we don't really talk. Any input would be appreciated, thanks.


Well, I am very very very much like your wife. I have my own sexuality hang ups. I very very very very... VERY rarely orgasm with my partner. That does not mean I dont enjoy myself. I LOVE SEX even without climax. There are some times where i have not climaxed in say a month and I can get a bit randy and desperate to orgasm. So then i reach for MY HATACHI! which is AMAZING btw. 

I think you should keep trying to give your lady love... BUT she may be like me. It is hard for me to cum with oral... It's gross to me so maybe that is why i can never cum. I dont really like it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

It sounds like it may be time for you guys to talk to a therapist? Are you still separated? The fact that she beat around the bush when you asked if the OM could get her off when you were separated, speaks volumes to me. My guess is that he was able to, and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you so. Or, she could just not want to talk about her experiences.

Getting to the point of orgasm isn't easy for some women, myself included. I can attest to that! The only way I can get there is when a vibrator by myself; I've never gotten to that point with a man, and it's frustrating. There are some things that you can try, like lubes with CBD in them. I got the info from someone else here, and they might be better suited to for them to answer.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Does she have any control issues. I don't mean is she controlling but does she get uncomfortable when she has no control. Sometimes that is an issue with both women and men. 

I'm not sure any of this matters, whats the deal with the split up. How far past that are you. 

If things are ok you should try things where she is more in control of things, have her sit on your face for oral or be on top during sex.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

It sounds like your attempts are mostly oral. I like oral but there are times I don't. Hours sounds well ugh. My clitoris would just be raw.

Have you ever tried grabbing the hitachi? You can use it on her. We-vibe is a vibrator worn during sex that is fairly strong but takes certain positions to hold in place.

Before oral have you tried slipping in some lulu beads or benwa balls? They add sensation. 

Vibrators do things to the clit that your tounge can't. But my best orgasms involve more that just clitoral stimulation.

She may not want to talk about sex with the other guy for lots of reasons. In truth you only need to worry about communicating with her. Have you ever asked her if she enjoys hours of oral? While I applaud your desire to get her off. More men should worry about this you maybe just making her self conscious that she isn't performing to what makes you happy. Like you want her to orgasm or you aren't happy and she has trouble making you happy. Nobody wants to not make their partner happy. Then we are in our heads worrying about how long it had been and how long it will take to orgadm or for you to give up and how that impacts your feelings toward us do you think we are frigid blah blah blah . Once we are in our heads like that there is NOT going to be an orgasm.

PIV may not do it for her but there are lots of ways to orgasm a girl other than oral or PIV. Start with her favorite grab that hitachi. Use some fingers. It may help to blindfold her.


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## Undisclosed hubby (Jun 19, 2018)

It isn't that she has to be by herself to climax, she does when we are together, but it usually has to be her fingers or her holding the vibrator. Sometimes it takes her an hour or more with hitachi to cum. Sometimes I feel like I should just handle my own business while she handles hers every time, just so i don't take things personally, We do mutually masturbate watching one another often, I love to watch her convulsing when she cums, and believe me, if I see she is turned on, I am definitely at full attention. We have never had vanilla sex, we are always kinky, (anal, bdsm, etc...). To answer your question on how far past break up, we have been back together for a year, doing counseling for 9 months.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

In my younger days I did have sex with women who said that they never had an orgasm from any other guy. My wife can only orgasm with me and no other guy too and we have tested that. To be honest, I was considered a hot looking guy in my younger days and visual appeal does have an effect on sexual attraction. I also place the woman's pleasure before mine and love lots of foreplay until they are begging for an orgasm. One woman said that I rip the orgasms out of her rather than doing what she does with other guys when she had to use her imagination and fantasize in order to reach an orgasm. Others say that they feel like I release their inner sexual beast. So it can be the guy's fault. I am not perfect either. I can get my wife to orgasm in under 3 minutes. Other women took longer. My wife's girlfriend takes a half an hour and my wife and I have to take turns with her since we get tired and sore. I have had one woman who just could not orgasm after an hour and just gave up. Yet when her roommate joined us, her roommate had an orgasm in a few minutes as did she. 

Sex is like anything else, in the eye of the beholder. What one finds very sexually stimulating, another does not. Most guys do not know how to properly treat a woman's clitoris or use words to sexually arouse them. What I used to do is ask the girl to masturbate to orgasm. Not because watching that turned me on but rather that it allowed me to learn what she did to achieve an orgasm. Was she slow and gentle. fast and hard. Did she just focus on her clitoris or did she want penetration too. Did she want a constant level of stimulation or one that rises and slows over and over again.


I had a fiancé that I rarely could make orgasm and that bothered me. I can understand a new sex partner since it sometimes takes awhile to learn what they like. However in my case, I learned the reason with my ex fiancé. She is married a woman and that solves that mystery. Even with my wife, turns out she is bi and only can orgasm with one male, me. She orgasms faster and more intensely with me than any woman but not with any guy. Go figure.


The key to great sex is great communication and if your girl is not willing to tell you how she wants you to give her an orgasm you are better off finding someone else. Do not take it personally unless you have the same problem with most other women. IF that is the case you need to read and watch some porn to learn various techniques. I treat sex as an art form and as a result I have had a lot of sex partners mostly word of mouth. Ask her to tell you want to do and then do it. Also be prepared to learn that you two are not sexually compatible. It happens.


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## Undisclosed hubby (Jun 19, 2018)

I am quite familiar with women's anatomy, and like I said previously I have been with many women and never had any issues, the opposite, I have been told by most that I was the best, most giving lover they had been with. Nobody at any point was faking it either, I know for sure when someone i'm with climaxes, there is no hiding it !


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You're putting a lot of pressure on her to climax, which is going to make it harder for her to relax and get there. There are some women that legitimately have a hard time climaxing and with some women that is specific to the partner they are with. In general though, most men would be a lot happier if they avoided marrying women that they aren't having awesome sex with.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Undisclosed hubby said:


> *We recently split up and saw other people and I asked her if the other guy she slept with was able to get her off, she refuses to answer, and beats around the bush.*


Why in the world do some men ask these sorts of questions? No different to the "was his **** bigger" question. Ugh, reeks of insecurity. 



Undisclosed hubby said:


> It is very important to me that my wife has orgasms, *maybe if I were self centered and didn't really care*, it would be easier to deal with, that she can only get there when she does it.


Is your wife climaxing about her, or is it really about you feeling accomplished? I think your desire is more self-centred than you realize.



Undisclosed hubby said:


> I have tried the whole time to get her to open up to me, regardless of how she thinks I will take it. I have tried truth or dare games in order to be vulnerable with one another, still we don't really talk. Any input would be appreciated, thanks.


Pressuring your wife to open up and be vulnerable is counter-intuitive. Your wife will be comfortable sharing intimate information when you create a safe environment for her to be vulnerable. She has told you that this is how she's always been, she has been honest and instead of taking the conversation from there, you have dismissed what she has told you. By dismissing her, you are inadvertently saying to your wife "um no, you are wrong this is not how your body works, this is what I've experienced with other women so this is what is supposed to happen". Can you not see how hurtful this attitude can come across? How could you expect your wife to want to be vulnerable with you when you are subconsciously communicating to her that something is wrong with her body/with her because she cannot climax the way YOU WANT her to climax????????

Do you know about 75% of women cannot orgasm through penetration only? OP the problem is you are judging your wife's sexuality based on the way your own male sexuality works. Male sexuality and female sexuality are not one and the same.

OP if I were your wife, I would be so turned off by your pestering about climaxing. I wouldn't waste my time trying to orgasm with my fingers/wand during sex with you because clearly you do not appreciate it. My partner takes so much pleasure in watching me play with myself till orgasm, I could not imagine having to do so knowing that deep down he's thinking that my efforts aren't good enough and comparing me UNFAVORABLY to the other women he's been.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Undisclosed hubby said:


> I am quite familiar with women's anatomy, and like I said previously I have been with many women and never had any issues, the opposite, I have been told by most that I was the best, most giving lover they had been with. Nobody at any point was faking it either, I know for sure when someone i'm with climaxes, there is no hiding it !


More evidence that this has less to do with your wife and more to do with you feeling good about yourself...

Edited to add: It may do you and your wife a world of good to read "Come as You Are" by Emily Nagosaki for both you and your wife to get a better understanding of her sexuality. The book calls for some partner exercises so that would also help with intimacy/vulnerability. It's available in audio book format (with PDFs of the exercises) so it makes for some calming night time listening.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> More evidence that this has less to do with your wife and more to do with you feeling good about yourself...
> 
> Edited to add: It may do you and your wife a world of good to read "Come as You Are" by Emily Nagosaki for both you and your wife to get a better understanding of her sexuality. The book calls for some partner exercises so that would also help with intimacy/vulnerability. It's available in audio book format (with PDFs of the exercises) so it makes for some calming night time listening.


Absolutely.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Undisclosed hubby said:


> I am quite familiar with women's anatomy, and like I said previously I have been with many women and never had any issues, the opposite, I have been told by most that I was the best, most giving lover they had been with. Nobody at any point was faking it either, I know for sure when someone i'm with climaxes, tmhere is no hiding it !


This almost certainly means they were at some point. The odds are low that all these women climaxed. Even with a great lover sometimes women's bodies just don't get there. It is an awful truth that many women 'climax' to make the guy feel good. And a hundred other stupid reasons


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## Undisclosed hubby (Jun 19, 2018)

First off, I don't pester her for anything, it has nothing to do with me feeling in accomplished either. I just wish it was not so self absorbed. I don't put any pressure on her to climax, she pressures herself to get hers.


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## Undisclosed hubby (Jun 19, 2018)

You guys sure know how to put a wicked spin on **** without even knowing what you are talking about.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Undisclosed,

I think you need to resolve how your W was with the guy she was with, if you don't you will have no rest as this will bug the hell out of you for as long as you stay with her.

No one wants to be their wives second or third or convenient and passionless choice. 

Who had the idea of seeing other people.

Tamat


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Undisclosed hubby said:


> You guys sure know how to put a wicked spin on **** without even knowing what you are talking about.


Well, here goes another one then. Bottom line brother, she is not into you sexually. 

You know that and it bothers you. That is why you split up and saw other people. The chemistry for her is not there. 

That is also the reason that she won't tell you that the other guy that she slept with got her off. Of course she is not going to tell you this. 

Fact of the matter is, she probably sees you as the Husband, safe, secure, and not sexy. I am sure some of the women will say, "Oh, no that is not the case, sometimes it happens", yeah, it happens with their HUSBANDS.

It frankly probably has nothing to do with you at all, the it probably her hang up in the first place. 

If a compatible, open, honest, HOT sex life is important to you, you guys are going to have to split.

Think about it, is there any other explanation???


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Here's a question I haven't seen posed.....

You've mentioned more then once about how many women you've been with. 

Have you gone on about that with her?

Climaxing, for many women, requires a certain amount of closeness and vulnerability. Going on about all of the other women you've been with will drive a wedge into your bond. And it may make her feel like she's less than. 

My hb used to be terrible about this.... one time we'd just finished having great sex and I told him how much I enjoyed it. He proceeded to run his mouth about how many women he'd ****ed.

That mood was wrecked.

Everyone has a past..... it's just crappy to think you're being compared to it and your partner's mind is on theirs when they're with you. For whatever reason she isn't comfortable with you sexually..... you need to find out why.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

If a woman came here and said my man can't orgasm with me the answers would be different.

It would suck being married to someone you couldn't get off.

Just like it would suck being married to someone you couldn't make laugh .


The whole you need an ego boost from giving an orgasm is a red hearing. Every lover wants to give there love an orgasm . 

Well every lover worth their weight in salt .


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

". We recently split up and saw other people and I asked her if the other guy she slept with was able to get her off, she refuses to answer, and beats around the bush. She said that it was just sex with him and it wasn't the same as it is with us. "

That she refuses to answer should pretty much tell you all you need to know.

When you separated, why was it OK to see other people? Who wanted that as part of the separation?
She may want you as a husband, but it doesn't seem like she wants you as a lover.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

After reading......I can only say if you two are happy don't give up.
Otoh, nine months of counseling is a very long time. That is a telling circumstance.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Undisclosed hubby said:


> First off, I don't pester her for anything, it has nothing to do with me feeling in accomplished either. I just wish it was not so self absorbed. I don't put any pressure on her to climax, she pressures herself to get hers.


Whether you put the pressure on her or she puts it on herself is immaterial because either way it is there and can impede her ability to relax and enjoy.


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## Undisclosed hubby (Jun 19, 2018)

She was sexually abused by family members !


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Undisclosed,

She may view you as a family member now and as a result not a lover but an abuser. 

Tamat


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## Undisclosed hubby (Jun 19, 2018)

It is not that she can't have an orgasm when we are together, it is just very rare that I get her there on my own. I have been able to make her climax orally/digitally, however most of the time vibration is the key.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Undisclosed hubby, 

I think this is fairly easy, actually. People "get used" to how they get off. If I get off by masturbating with a vibrator most often, that's how I get used to climaxing. If I get off by rubbing against a pillow between my legs most often, that's how I get used to climaxing. Sooo...any other method of climaxing takes longer and/or different concentration. 

Now, speaking as a lady, I think I am able to climax fairly quickly but honestly the goal of sex (for me) is not always an orgasm. I often enjoy sex for the closeness and intimacy, and I often enjoy it for feeling very good--whether I get there or not. So maybe for her, she just really is into being close to you and feeling very good. That's her thing and she digs that. When she does like to finish, she is "used to" getting off with a vibrator, and other ways take longer and different concentration. 

I guess what I'm saying is that she's doing what SHE likes and enjoys. Is there something inside your head that wants her to do it your way? I mean, it sounds to me like you have a notion in your head of what a person "is like" if they are enjoying sex and since she doesn't fit that image, you interpret that as not enjoying sex. But what if the image IN HER HEAD is adoring the closeness, loving the feeling good of you doing the things you do, and then that's enough for her? See what I mean? Maybe her vision of "good sex" is just not the same as yours...


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Undisclosed hubby said:


> My wife of 8 years has always taken a long time to climax, which is not a problem, seeing as how I love going down on her.Since the beginning of our relationship, I can count on one hand how many times I have brought her to orgasm. She says she is satisfied with our sex life ,however 9 times out of 10 she takes care of it on her own. I have gone down on her for hours, to no avail, aside from a few times. I have been with many women and I have never had an issue getting any to climax, in fact, several have squirted on my face while giving them a tongue bath. I feel that anything I do to her, oral, fingers, penetration, gives her body negative reactions. Most of the time she will use a hitatchi or some form of vibration to get herself off, sometimes using fingers. It is very important to me that my wife has orgasms, maybe if I were self centered and didn't really care, it would be easier to deal with, that she can only get there when she does it. She says that her body is different and that this has always been the case for her. We recently split up and saw other people and I asked her if the other guy she slept with was able to get her off, she refuses to answer, and beats around the bush. She said that it was just sex with him and it wasn't the same as it is with us. We don't communicate well together, even on non sensitive issues. I have tried the whole time to get her to open up to me, regardless of how she thinks I will take it. I have tried truth or dare games in order to be vulnerable with one another, still we don't really talk. Any input would be appreciated, thanks.


Input on what exactly? She is climaxing right? My DW rarely climaxes (as far as I know). It bothers me, it eats at me, it can be very frustrating. But it isn't our main problem by any means. If you are happy with the frequency and the creativity...then her O is her responsibility. Assuming you are everything you say you are --by my own admission...I have a limited skill set.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Trying to resolve a less than wonderful sex life by pushing your wife to admit what sex was like with other guys is about the most foolish thing I can imagine a husband doing. Nothing good will come of this.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Undisclosed hubby said:


> It isn't that she has to be by herself to climax, she does when we are together, but it usually has to be her fingers or her holding the vibrator. Sometimes it takes her an hour or more with hitachi to cum. Sometimes I feel like I should just handle my own business while she handles hers every time, just so i don't take things personally, We do mutually masturbate watching one another often, I love to watch her convulsing when she cums, and believe me, if I see she is turned on, I am definitely at full attention. We have never had vanilla sex, we are always kinky, (anal, bdsm, etc...). To answer your question on how far past break up, we have been back together for a year, doing counseling for 9 months.


What caused the break?

Who’s idea was the break?

Why did you get back together? 

I loved your wife’s comment “it’s different with us”. Translation, she has never been sexually attracted to you. These other men got her off because she was excited to be with them. That’s why she won’t tell.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The woman in your past don’t matter one bit if you really can’t get your wife off. 

The sexual abuse by family can be the key. There was a couple that had a great sex life until they got married. 

Unknown to her husband at the time, she was abused by family. When they were dating the relationship was casual not pressure. They had fun. Then when they got married and wee actually a family, she transferred what her family had done onto her husband. He took the place of her dad. Sex slowed and she with drew from her husband. 

I still think that she has never been sexually attracted to you. You did say it has always been like this?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Undisclosed hubby said:


> My wife of 8 years has always taken a long time to climax, which is not a problem, seeing as how I love going down on her.Since the beginning of our relationship, I can count on one hand how many times I have brought her to orgasm. She says she is satisfied with our sex life ,however 9 times out of 10 she takes care of it on her own. I have gone down on her for hours, to no avail, aside from a few times. I have been with many women and I have never had an issue getting any to climax, in fact, several have squirted on my face while giving them a tongue bath. I feel that anything I do to her, oral, fingers, penetration, gives her body negative reactions. Most of the time she will use a hitatchi or some form of vibration to get herself off, sometimes using fingers. It is very important to me that my wife has orgasms, maybe if I were self centered and didn't really care, it would be easier to deal with, that she can only get there when she does it. She says that her body is different and that this has always been the case for her. We recently split up and saw other people and I asked her if the other guy she slept with was able to get her off, she refuses to answer, and beats around the bush. She said that it was just sex with him and it wasn't the same as it is with us. We don't communicate well together, even on non sensitive issues. I have tried the whole time to get her to open up to me, regardless of how she thinks I will take it. I have tried truth or dare games in order to be vulnerable with one another, still we don't really talk. Any input would be appreciated, thanks.


Maybe you are putting so much pressure on her to orgasm that she is thinking about it too much and its preventing her from actually doing it. Rumour has it that women whose distance between the top of the vagina and the bottom of the clitoris (shortest distance between the two) is more than 3.5 cm, find it harder to orgasm. I do not know how true this is, but you can check. 

I think though that a lot of love shown is a lot more than causing her to do this or that. As long as she enjoys it with you.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

have you tried being rough with her. there's a lot of kinky chicks out there that would never tell their husbands they want to be ****ed like a *****.

and yeah, stop obsessing on her cumming. use her and see what happens


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

yay i get get add my worthless 2 cents. I think that you are dealing with 2 possible issues. One, she may have desensitized her clitoris with too much vibrator action. Second, i think you may be concentrating on stimulating the wrong organ. Her mind is the key to orgasm. She needs to feel sexy, safe being vulnerable with you and relaxed, free from any pressure. I am guessing that she doesn't feel all of these things when you have sex and that is the cause of this issue. It took me awhile to learn this for myself.

My wife was very much like yours and my, prior to my wife, experiences had been like yours...oral was my go to for a surefire orgasm. This all came to a screeching halt when I met my wife. She could only orgasm with her Hitachi and it took a bit. I had to learn the place she needed to be in mentally for her to be able to let go with me. I won't go into all the boring details of my journey but now she has orgasms easily from vaginal penetration, oral, anal, and toys. 

She needs to feel sexy, safe being vulnerable with you and relaxed, free from any pressure. I repeated this because I think it is the most important thing your sex life is missing. Good luck brother!!


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## JoannaG (Apr 19, 2016)

I have never had an orgasm with PIV and for awhile (after my husband’s affair, where the OW orgasmed very easily) this made me very self-conscious about it. It’s not that I don’t orgasm, or that he cannot get me there (fingers and oral) but just sex - not happening. This has nothing to do with him, it’s me. Please don’t make her feel bad about how her body works.


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## cashcratebob (Jan 10, 2018)

Ugh...lots going on here. When you asked her if she had an orgasm, as another has mentioned you got your answer. Then you mention the abuse...I would be inclined to believe this is effecting her as well, others have mentioned possible reasons for this, such as projecting on you the previous negative interaction. If it isn't, I would still venture to say that the guy she was with probably got her off in a rougher/more energetic/kinky/wild way. Wild speculation sure, but it seems to always be the case...sex without consequence is typically "energetic" and downright rough. 

Also, as @BluesPower mentioned, for any of the reasons listed, or for those unknown, there is a lack of sexual attraction there. To build back up that attraction, others have mentioned just nail her without regards to her needs...she could dig that. 

Finally, you introduced more problems IMO when you separated and were intimate with other people. I don't think that will help your situation in the short or long term. But I am not an expert and the reality of separation and being intimate others is not one I am at all familiar with, nor want to be.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Undisclosed hubby said:


> We have never had vanilla sex, *we are always kinky,* (anal, bdsm, etc...).


It sounds as if you want to be the one in control of her orgasm, yet she is the only one that can do it. 

Perhaps you should try a dom/sub relationship of tease and denial with you being the one in control. Even if she is the one to do it, she must beg for your permission to let it happen. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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