# Confusing separation need help!!!



## Confused1988 (Sep 9, 2021)

My wife and I (married less than a year together for 5 with a two year old son) have recently started a separation process. I was not the best husband. She has valued reasons to be where she is. 

Binge drinking was an issue although no physical abuse or cheating. But I did drunk call women. This is me being honest. It is now September. In may I believe she started talking to another man. She had mentioned at the time she wanted to distance herself from me without any context. We lived together like this until The end of July. We had sex the whole time. And were living together. But there was great distance. I found the number of a man with a heart texting her. I asked for answers she gave none. 

For a whole day stonewalled me. I told her to stay at her moms. She had mentioned she was already planning on moving out in October and I just expedited the inevitable. She had let slip that this man is actually out of the state we live in. She had a pre planned trip to New York. And something tells me she saw him there. She said when she came back she would have answers. That was 8/24. It is now 9/9. 

I have been fighting for my marriage slowly. When she came back the only revelation she shared was that I was her husband and she loves me. We talk daily. Sometimes love filled. Other days distant. The limbo is killing me. She is still openly texting the other man. I made the plea “let’s just date again. Take it slow so you can build trust” and she said “expect I’m seeing other people” constant talk about having hope for her now. But we are approaching two months. We still see each other often. She plans most of the “dates” or “family days” I have planned only one. 

It came to a head where I asked for some kind of answers. Not about him. But are we going to try and reconcile slowly (she can stay at her moms as long as she needs) or divorce? Is she going to stop texting this guy? Does he even know she’s married with a child!? She had finally asked one day if I can just not talk about it at all. She seems to be coming around slowly but surely. And we have sex constantly. I know she isn’t physically with another person. We live too close and the timing would be damn near impossible. Snap chats from work daily show me she isn’t calling in and sneaking off. I just don’t know what to do. The limbo is torture. I want to work on things. I need advice. She’s just not herself right now. But things are truly improving. 

How do you balance distance and fighting. When the fighting has been showing good results? She is constantly saying “I’m determined to love you and come home” “fall in love with me again” but all this doesn’t add up! 33M 28F. If I knew she was physically dating I would end jt. But I know she isn’t. It’s like a huge emotional affair out of spite. I feel we’re on the cusp. But I began making the decision internally that October I may have to put my foot down and say “it’s been three months. No answers (about us. Don’t care about him), no movement. 

Just limbo I think I need to distance myself to gather my own mental health, I will always be fighting for the marriage” oh yeah. On top of everything she keeps saying how she wants another baby right now. We had a pregnancy scare during this and it made her sad. She says repeatedly “I want your baby”. Every morning she sends some kind of photo of us from a prior memory. I’m so lost on her back and forth.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

If she saw him in New York, it almost certainly became physical.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I really wish you came here before / at the beginning of separation. You would have been advised very strongly to NOT allow any separation.
You’re being played and you’re allowing it. Your wife is gone, sounds like she already has a new man. Her words mean nothing dude, her actions are everything.

You need to take control of your situation immediately and not let your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where it’s going.

DO NOT allow this separation to continue for one more day, period.
A separation is only a way to

ease into a divorce at her convenience, and/or
try out another man/men. and it sounds like she’s already found one she likes and is almost certainly already sleeping with him.
She can work on her issues at home, as your wife. You can give her some space without a separation. Separation is not about having space to work on things/think about things, It’s about detaching and usually having enough space to pursue a new relationship.

She’s either your wife or she’s not (hint: right now she’s not). Stop tolerating anything in between.
If she insists on continuing this separation, YOU file for divorce immediately - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience.
If she insists on a separation, she is choosing to no longer be your wife, respond accordingly.
You need to act immediately in your own best interest. You’re getting ****ed here, and so far doing nothing about it.

*edit*
Actually, just go ahead and file now. Assuming she has / is sleeping with another man (extremely likely), do you really even want her back at this point?


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## Confused1988 (Sep 9, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> If she saw him in New York, it almost certainly became physical.


At that time the separation was occurring. There was a


manfromlamancha said:


> If she saw him in New York, it almost certainly became physical.


in some capacity probably. But I am aware she had a hotel with the one friend she went with and it had one bed in it. I’m not really concerned about New York primarily.


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## Confused1988 (Sep 9, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> I really wish you came here before / at the beginning of separation. You would have been advised very strongly to NOT allow any separation.
> You’re being played and you’re allowing it. Your wife is gone, sounds like she already has a new man. Her words mean nothing dude, her actions are everything.
> 
> You need to take control of your situation immediately and not let your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where it’s going.
> ...


I kind of get what you think you’re saying. But I am literally sleeping with her everyday at this point man. Be constructive with your comments man.


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## Confused1988 (Sep 9, 2021)

Confused1988 said:


> I kind of get what you think you’re saying. But I am literally sleeping with her everyday at this point man. Be constructive with your comments man.


The reality is I kicked her out when I found the texts. There is no physical relationship occurring at this time I do know that.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. What exactly did you find “not constructive“ in my first response? 

2. So now it was you that kicked her out because you found out that she was acting inappropriately, possibly an emotional affair (assuming you actually know the extent)...

This contradicts your previous statement that she wanted to distance herself from you without offering any context (other than the other man…)

But now you want to end the separation, 
even though nothing seems to have been resolved with her behavior 
But she won’t end the separation and come home

3. Dude, if you actually want help and guidance here, you need to leave your ego at the door and actually give the honest and complete account of what’s going on.


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## Confused1988 (Sep 9, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> 1. What exactly did you find “not constructive“ in my first response?
> 
> 2. So now it was you that kicked her out because you found out that she was acting inappropriately, possibly an emotional affair (assuming you actually know the extent)...
> 
> ...


That is accurate. She was texting someone else. Emotional affair. I’m sorry, but unless she’s some time of time bender there isn’t any real opportunity for physical interactions. I kicked her out upon my discovery of the texts. She claims I abandoned her yet also claims to have had already decided to move out on her own. So she basically is holding that decision over my head in a sense. The way you come off isn’t constructive. It seems largely bitter. She didn’t offer context. We had gotten in abut fight earlier in the year and she had just said she wanted to “distance” herself. It had seemed more like cold shoulder behavior. We were still living together and very much together, albeit in an uncomfortable environment. Still living normal life. The finding of the texts occurred after that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Every betrayed spouse that comes here wants to believe it’s an EA only. If they have contact it’s a physical affair. She is still in contact so the affair is ongoing. You are in deep denial became it’s a comfort zone.

If you have to fight for your marriage you don’t have one.

Begging, pleading, doing the ‘pick me dance’ or trying to nice her back just makes you look weak/unattractive while making her new boyfriend look stronger and more attractive.

You can only be a chump if you allow it. YOU are keeping yourself I limbo.

Wake up to reality quit trying to analyze the BS or suffer needlessly.

Let her go and help her pack.

Separation is to spend alone time with her other man with you conveniently out of the way.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Confused1988 said:


> That is accurate. She was texting someone else. Emotional affair. I’m sorry, but unless she’s some time of time bender there isn’t any real opportunity for physical interactions. I kicked her out upon my discovery of the texts. She claims I abandoned her yet also claims to have had already decided to move out on her own. So she basically is holding that decision over my head in a sense. The way you come off isn’t constructive. It seems largely bitter. She didn’t offer context. We had gotten in abut fight earlier in the year and she had just said she wanted to “distance” herself. It had seemed more like cold shoulder behavior. We were still living together and very much together, albeit in an uncomfortable environment. Still living normal life. The finding of the texts occurred after that.


Thanks for the clarification.
I’m not sure how are you read anything bitter or unconstructive into my original guidance. I’m telling you what the reality is 9 times out of 10.

And you are in a bad situation that you need to get control of fast.
You caught your wife having an emotional affair, which is already a betrayal, huge breach of trust, and a natural progression to a physical affair if left unchecked. This is a serious transgression that needs to be dealt with in its own right.

Separation is almost always a very bad idea and it rarely ends well.

My original advice still holds. If you want to take control of your situation and try to save your marriage, you will end the separation immediately. You can both work on issues under one roof as husband and wife.
If she refuses, you have your answer and you should act accordingly.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Op didn't you say, she said assume she's dating? Are you ok with that?


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## Confused1988 (Sep 9, 2021)

I agree with what we need to do. 100% The fact stands, and I know a lot of people here assume it’s always physical. And it may well be. But I have the information the person isn’t in state, I am with her enough to know, and to be Frank, I have done my own personal investigating to be sure it isn’t physical. If it crosses that threshold, than 100% it’s over. But I have emotionally cheated as well. And was forgiven by her. So I feel it’s my diligence to provide the same. October is the cut off date for me. That is when the foot comes down. “You’ve had your space, I have no answers, not even a let’s work on it but take it slow, no commitment, so my only option is to move on” She has been coming around. As one conversation we had said she was going to file, but that she had an epiphany that I am her husband and she can never share that with anyone else. I’m looking to see if anyone has navigated similar waters. But she is the one intinitiating all the times we meet up. Asking me to spend the night. She knows I want to save the marriage. But I’m not necessarily begging like a weak dog.


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## Confused1988 (Sep 9, 2021)

It was phrased more in the context of needing to win her back. Besides this texting thing I can assure that she isn’t physically seeing anyone.


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## Confused1988 (Sep 9, 2021)

Well, I’ve learned more about the situation. I know definitively the person is “thousands of miles away” and I’ve done enough digging and snooping to figure out at least a bit more about them. My methods are seeming to work to restore the marriage. But. I’m now questioning if I really trust who my wife has become. It was June or the very end of may when the texting first happened. She told me that she told him “she began seeing me again” and “we had sex” I laughed and said “did you tell him we’ve been having sex everyday?” Apparently the guy acted like she cheated on him lol. She is still not sure about the relationship. But I can say one thing. I’m more sure about myself as a man. I know what I bring to the table. And October is going to be when the rubber needs to meet the road for her. Or I’ll go my seperate way..to raise my son and continue to better the flaws in myself I’ve discovered in this time. I’m very grateful. But you do have to respect yourself. You fight for your marriage as you can. But she needs to wake up.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You mention her doing this out of spite, what caused to be spiteful? Meaning, did you do something similar? Given you think it’s a spiteful act?


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## Confused1988 (Sep 9, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> You mention her doing this out of spite, what caused to be spiteful? Meaning, did you do something similar? Given you think it’s a spiteful act?


Not nearly to this level. This is a full on (did digging and got my answer 3-4 month emotional affair. Person lives out of state, there was potentially ONE opportunity for it to get physical. But I saw a card with him saying I love you so so much yada yada. I had drunken called females in the past. And said things that weren’t explicit or out there. But was flirtatious in nature in the call. But it had happened multiple times. So I do feel it’s partially out of spite. And is or has or could be turning into something much worse. She says she loves me. But the texting is continuing


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Confused1988 said:


> Not nearly to this level. This is a full on (did digging and got my answer 3-4 month emotional affair. Person lives out of state, there was potentially ONE opportunity for it to get physical. But I saw a card with him saying I love you so so much yada yada. I had drunken called females in the past. And said things that weren’t explicit or out there. But was flirtatious in nature in the call. But it had happened multiple times. So I do feel it’s partially out of spite. And is or has or could be turning into something much worse. She says she loves me. But the texting is continuing


Love demands respect, if she won't stop or show contrition, it's not love. Did you show contrition for your poor behaviour?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’re not confused. You just won’t accept the truth. Reality.

Your wife is heavily searching for your replacement. Once one is found, you’re out and he’s in.

Divorce. Your wife openly and plainly told you she’s dating other men. You can’t seem to accept the reality of the fact that is what she’s doing. She wants an easy way out of your life, by monkey branching to the next guy.

you shouldn’t be at all confused based on what she’s told you. You aren’t wanting to accept the truth. A good friend would hit you on the head with a 2x4, multiple times if needed, until you can wake up and see reality. You’re just a safety net until someone comes along that she wants AND wants to take care of her. Then you’re history. I’m sorry.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Denial is a comfort zone that doesn’t last. Plane fares are cheap.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Confused1988 said:


> We lived together like this until The end of July. We had sex the whole time.


Wow! When did you sleep?


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## Jada1221 (6 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> 1. What exactly did you find “not constructive“ in my first response?
> 
> 2. So now it was you that kicked her out because you found out that she was acting inappropriately, possibly an emotional affair (assuming you actually know the extent)...
> 
> ...


Well Can you give me a Little Advice because I will Greatly Appreciated it if he doesn't!!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Did you stop drinking altogether?

What has happened with the ‘marriage’?


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