# What ladies want around the house.



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

To prevent hijacking another thread, I would like ladies descriptions of what they want from their husband when it comes to helping out around the house.

There has been information floating around in magazines and talk shows for a few years that women would really appreciate more help around the house from their husband, and that it might even improve their sex life. As I listed in another thread, I even saw an article once that read, "If you want to make her horny, do the laundry."

I'm divorced now, but I started helping out right away after being married. My x wife had a very exhausting job. I certainly did my share of cooking, cleaning, and diaper changes. 

After reading various posts here over the years, I get the impression that not all women want their guy to help out around the house. For one, it may not be attractive to see your husband washing dishes and running the vacuum. Another reason is that the husband never does it like their wife wants, or they may ruin a load of clothes because they were washed incorrectly.

So, what does a guy helping out around the house in a satisfactory manner look like? 
Are there some who prefer their husband didn't engage in housework?
Is it really ok if we watch tv while you clean house? I always felt lazy doing that, but is it no big deal to most women?


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Oh oh! Me first! Me first! I'm a SAHM, with a husband in federal LE. He works crazy hours, commutes, comes and goes at random times.

In my deepest darkest fantasies, my husband would put all his clothes in the hamper, clean up all the hair he leaves on the sink, and occasionally, cook dinner for me. Not all the time! Just a few times a year. Even when I was laid up with a painful infection, he got others to cook for me. 

Pretty much, my ideal man would not make a huge mess and leave it. He'd pitch in happily or do the equivalent of what I do, as in car or house maintenance. Watching tv while I slave? Uncool.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I don't mind cleaning, as long as I feel my DH is also contributing. What is comes down to, for me: I need to feel like I am not running the entire ship.

My DH is an electrician and is over-all very handy around the house. He fixes everything beyond changing light bulbs. 

I am reasonably intelligent, but I have spacial "challenges", so I ask my DH to help me solve pretty simple problems like, WHY won't the dishwasher door close correctly? or What did I do to the Diaper Genie that now it won't close? STINKO. He can solve those in less than two minutes.

He cooks and takes care of the outside of the house. He changes oil in the cars. He fixes breakers, caulks, and does all sorts of Manly things that I've never learned to do.

There are two times when I consistently find myself getting very cranky regarding domestic duties:

1. When I am doing more than the lion's share of the child care. Thankfully, this is very rare. I can't actually remember the last time I felt this way.

2. I start to get cranky every winter, because my DH's domestic jobs don't occur as often. We live in the Mid-Atlantic, so there are no lawns to mow, no hedges to trim, while I am juggling childcare, laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming, etc and he is watching TV on the weekends.

My DH watched TV tonight with our son while I cleaned up the dinner he cooked- no problem!

On weekends, he watches TV sometimes after being outside all morning, while our little one is napping and I am cleaning- no problem!

In January, when we both have worked all week, and he has done nothing on a Saturday but is sitting watching TV while I am handling my son and trying to clean up- PROBLEM.

Thankfully, my DH splits the childcare with me and knows just how hard it can be to get anything done while also taking care of a young baby/toddler. Last winter, he took my son more often while I was cleaning.

Since last winter, we have moved into a new house and I have changed job positions, so I work from home 95% of the time. I take 15 mins each day (when possible, which is most of the time) to vaccum a room, do laundry, clean a bathroom, etc. IO still clean on the weekends, but it is one or two items instead of the whole house. I am hoping for more harmony and more time spent together this winter!

Anyway! The point being: I am happy if I feel that my DH and I are both contributing. I get very cranky if I feel like I am working, doing childcare, doing cleaning, and my DH isn't also putting in a strong contribution. YMMV.


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## HangingVine (Jul 1, 2013)

I don't think a man helping out around the house makes women any hornier than a woman helping out around the house makes a man horny.

I think unequal division of labor long term can cause one or the other to resent the other and that interferes with horniness.

No one wants to feel taken advantage of. That's not sexy.


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## HangingVine (Jul 1, 2013)

> So, what does a guy helping out around the house in a satisfactory manner look like?


You see *** laying around ?Pick it up.And dont drop stuff for her to pick up.




> Are there some who prefer their husband didn't engage in housework?


No one I have ever met.



> Is it really ok if we watch tv while you clean house?


Sometimes..Is it O.K if you clean the house while she watches T.V?




> I always felt lazy doing that, but is it no big deal to most women?


Depends.Do you think she is lazy if you clean the house while she sits on the couch?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

southbound said:


> Another reason is that the husband never does it like their wife wants, or they may ruin a load of clothes because they were washed incorrectly.


My estranged husband falls into this category. I used to beg for help, but early on he found a way out. He would deliberately slop though household chores, so that I wouldn't want him to do anything. Even if he had picked up after himself I would have been thrilled. And he didn't do yard work either. He stated that he didn't do yard work either--he hated it that his father *made* him do it as a child. Therefore, as an adult he didn't have to do it. My dad always maintained the yard.

Since one of my love languages happens to be "acts of service" my husband failed miserably there. So, from that standpoint I didn't feel very loving.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

southbound said:


> So, what does a guy helping out around the house in a satisfactory manner look like?
> Are there some who prefer their husband didn't engage in housework?
> Is it really ok if we watch tv while you clean house? I always felt lazy doing that, but is it no big deal to most women?


If I cook,he cleans up.
I do laundry,change the sheets,remake the bed,put his clothes away.He cleans the floors,dusts,and straightens up the weekly clutter.
I clean the bathroom.He mows the lawn.
We both take the trash out.
I take dogs out before bed and when I get home from work. He takes them out before work and mid evening.We both feed them and make sure they have water.
I brush the dogs and bathe them. He helps me clip their nails 

We have our routine and chores down.There is no bickering over responsibilities.It took some time to get to this point but now that we're here it's great.

If either person is watching Tv while the other person is working,it's only bc we finished our job early.

The routine changes if one of us is ill.We take over for the other person til they get better.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

We have our set of chores to do daily. He always cleans the kitchen and takes out the trash. I do everything else mostly. He also cooks a few days a week. 

For me it's all about helping when asked and giving zero attitude about it. This weekend I asked him to do naps with the baby so I could get a break and he watched the kids so I could clean the house. He had no problems with that.

He also lets me sleep in a little extra, makes breakfast for everyone and serves it to me in bed! I'm a lucky woman . He gets repayed quite nicely!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well for starters I'd stop referring to it as "helping", like it's a big favor for men to contribute to the maintenance of their own house. That's up there with "babysitting" your own kid. The home needs to be maintained and the jobs involved in that should be shared equitably. Notice I didn't say equally, I said equitably.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Have to say that I typically clean the bathrooms (with the exception of mopping the floors), I typically clean the kitchen up after dinner (the only meal I am typically home for 5 days a week) I load and empty the dishwasher (she does too), I have vacuumed on numerous occasions, I do pretty much all the yard work and maintain the vehicles, do all the home improvement work and fix things as they break and right now I haven't had sex with my wife in over a month

Needless to say, I don't buy into this idea


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I am a firm believer that a man should help out around the house, now when I worked like crazy and she stayed at home she did all of the household things and I took care of the yard. 
Now that I am around more I do many of the things she used to do (she gets home a little later than I do), we just don't have a set list of he does / she does we just jump in and get it done.
Why wouldn't I want to help out, she works full time like I do, I want her to have lots of energy for later in the bedroom and if she is worn out from work and chores guess what will suffer.
Another good reason for both to share the chores is what happens if she gets sick, has a hospital stay or anything else that may take her out of the home then what. It's easy (& cheap) to find somebody to cut grass but someone to cook, clean, laundry gets pricey plus taking care of the kids pure chaos if you don't know what you are doing, I can do everything in the house that she can heck I cook better.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well, you don't do housework to get laid. Women don't do housework to get laid either. 

It's not that it makes men more or less sexy... it makes them responsible, grown up, and considerate... which makes them sexy!  

No matter what your gender, you have to maintain the place you live in. If we all raise our children this way then it's a non-issue anyway!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm a homemaker. My husband and I have this down to a science. He's always picked up after himself so that's not an issue. I know now he doesn't like or want to clean or cook - I prefer honesty over covert contracts. However he's happy to pitch in if I ask for help directly.

We laugh now because he thought I wanted everything spotless and I thought he wanted me to be Martha Stewart. Lol. Total miscommunication. We now know what the other expects in terms of level of housework and cleanliness. We are open and direct about what we want. Radical concept. Lol


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think it is different when both partners have jobs outside the home. It is much easier to see that the work at home needs to be shared equally.

It is tougher when one is a SAHP. My wife has been at home for the past 20 years. She does 95% of the cleaning and cooking and laundry. We have renovated a couple of houses over the years, where I have done 80% of the work. I take care of the lawn and help in the yard with plants. I will vacumm the odd time and will load and unload the dishwasher. I will help fold laundry at times. I do the majority of the barbecuing. We could easily afford a housekeeper to come in once a week to do bathrooms, floors, etc. My wife doesn't want that as she says it is her job.

The problem we have is that often my wife chooses to do 'her job' in the evening when I am home. She spends the day exercising and/or shopping or socializing. Most often she is OK with me relaxing in the evening while she does housework. Other times she is 'in a mood' and makes me feel lazy for laying around while she works. Even though I spent 9 hours working that day.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> Well, you don't do housework to get laid. Women don't do housework to get laid either.
> 
> It's not that it makes men more or less sexy... it makes them responsible, grown up, and considerate... which makes them sexy!
> 
> No matter what your gender, you have to maintain the place you live in. If we all raise our children this way then it's a non-issue anyway!


Exactly. 

A favorite quote of mine is "_Pushing a vacuum around the living room for the hopes of sex is not foreplay, it's servitude"_. -- Amplexor


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

When I was a SAHM, I made sure that all household chores were out of the way, my son bathed and fed and a meal on the table for when my (now ex) H came home from work. After dinner, weekends and holidays - all chores were automatically shared. When I went back to work, all chores were shared equally without anything having to be discussed.

I would go off a man very quickly if he had the misguided notion that I was his maid. Unless of course, I'm wearing my French maid's outfit and I'm looking for some... err... 'chastisement.'


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Have to say that I typically clean the bathrooms (with the exception of mopping the floors), I typically clean the kitchen up after dinner (the only meal I am typically home for 5 days a week) I load and empty the dishwasher (she does too), I have vacuumed on numerous occasions, I do pretty much all the yard work and maintain the vehicles, do all the home improvement work and fix things as they break and right now I haven't had sex with my wife in over a month
> 
> Needless to say, I don't buy into this idea


Some people are never happy no matter how much you do for them. You could meet every need, emotional and otherwise, and they will still be looking for their next source of discontent and ignoring their blessings. Call them professional victims, obsessive perfectionists, manipulating martyrs... whatever. They won't change until they realize that their unhappiness comes from within.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SO is a more thorough and obsessive cleaner than me.I think that's why when we had the vote session on chores,I was ok when he said he wanted to care for the hardwood floors and dusting LOL


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't believe this is true with all women but it certainly is with mine.
> 
> I load the dishwasher incorrectly (she can get a couple of more items in the way she does it). I don't fold the clothes perfectly enough. I don't put the left overs in the correct containers.
> 
> I feel that if my wife ran my business, the employees would all quit because nothing they did would ever be good enough.


Sounds like my exhusband.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> SO is a more thorough and obsessive cleaner than me.I think that's why when we had the vote session on chores,I was ok when he said he wanted to care for the hardwood floors and dusting LOL


Same with mine. I'm pretty meticulous and very tidy, but he does a more thorough job when cleaning than I do.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

HangingVine said:


> I don't think a man helping out around the house makes women any hornier than a woman helping out around the house makes a man horny.
> 
> I think unequal division of labor long term can cause one or the other to resent the other and that interferes with horniness.
> 
> No one wants to feel taken advantage of. That's not sexy.


This explains it well for me. Part of being a "real man" means that you can take care of your own stuff. You are capable, smart and hard-working. If we have to give you a list of "chores", clean up your mess or watch you sit around while we work, we feel like your mother. And no woman wants to have sex with a lazy man-child. 

It's not about the housework exactly. It's about being a competent, contributing partner.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SadSamIAm said:


> The problem we have is that often my wife chooses to do 'her job' in the evening when I am home. She spends the day exercising and/or shopping or socializing. Most often she is OK with me relaxing in the evening while she does housework. Other times she is 'in a mood' and makes me feel lazy for laying around while she works. Even though I spent 9 hours working that day.


I am the opposite of this ... as a wife & Mom who is home.... I strive to get *EVERYTHING* possible done while he is at work...so when he hits the door....we eat...and our night is free and open.. for just hanging out... for the kids /their activities.... going for a drive....or if we have a home Project /he may need help with. 

I would be angry at myself if I was Lax here... I've always tried to organize my time like this to benefit us both..and all of our schedules... I also make sure his days off I am free, no plans with anyone else. 

I want him to be able to relax after work -when he can...he is the mechanic for our older vehicles ....we are "do it yourself-ers" for most everything we can manage -to save $$....

I feel I get off pretty easy ...as he does the difficult stuff -like changing transmissions, roof repairs, sawing up trees, plowing the driveway, etc. He just carries more responsibility over me, so I really don't want him messing with the mundane stuff, that would be a waste of his/our time. 

We will Mow the grass together, a couple days ago, our driveway washed out really bad (happens about 4 times a year)..... kids out there bucketing the limestone...thank God for our Yerf Dog to haul 9 buckets at a time up the hill....I helped him dig a ditch to divert the water.....he pickaxed it, I shoveled....Not exactly fun but we work together when something needs done..... 

The quicker We get done, the more time we have to spend together... that is how I've always looked at it.


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## HangingVine (Jul 1, 2013)

> I'm the sanitizer of the house. I don't care about piles of shoes and books, dishes in the washer or unorganized closets.


LOL! We posted around the same time.I'm more like you .Just like my mother.My husband like yours is more likely to want the spices alphabetized in the pantry.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

My dad was really particular about cleaning. He taught me and my siblings how to do things "right." He'd always say things like "your chore is not 'doing the dishes,' it's cleaning the kitchen. You are not done until the dishes are dried and put away and all surfaces are wiped down (including knobs, back-splashes, cabinets, and microwave, etc) and the floor is swept."

My husband was never taught how to clean. His mom did everything. So his idea of clean and my idea of clean are two different things. He thinks the kitchen is clean if the dishes are done and in the drainer. I did tell him at one point that the counter and stove-top, at the very least, should be wiped down and he has started doing that. I decided early on not to nitpick my husband. I just go behind him and finish the job. And I refrain from saying things like "you don't really need your rag to be _that_ wet when wiping off the counter." 

I think he actually doesn't see the things that I see. He wasn't trained to look at the baseboards for dirt, for example. He doesn't see the smudges on the refrigerator door.

But he's great a laundry and says he likes doing it. I hate folding laundry so that works out well.

I'm a SAHM these days so I do the majority of the housework. And I really don't mind. I actually enjoy it. I listen to an audio book while I clean and it's a nice change of pace from when I worked 8-5. When I did work, we split the housework mostly equally. 

I cook, my husband doesn't know how (again, mom never taught him). But, again, that's something I really enjoy doing so I don't see it as a chore.

Sometimes I wish he'd pick up after himself more. He has a tendency to leave things laying around. Like if he was working on a project, he'll leave tools out. Or he'll leave laundry baskets, shoes, boxes, whatever right in the middle of the hallway. I've snapped a few times at him for doing that, lol. But I can't complain too much about not picking up after himself because I'm prone to throwing my clothes on the floor and leaving them.

I wouldn't say that his doing chores around the house makes me want sex with him more. It's more that if I feel like I'm having to be his mother, it kinda kills the mood. Adults should be taking responsibility for their own share of the mess that they make in their own homes.


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## nishi_25 (Jun 30, 2013)

southbound said:


> To prevent hijacking another thread, I would like ladies descriptions of what they want from their husband when it comes to helping out around the house.
> 
> There has been information floating around in magazines and talk shows for a few years that women would really appreciate more help around the house from their husband, and that it might even improve their sex life. As I listed in another thread, I even saw an article once that read, "If you want to make her horny, do the laundry."
> 
> ...


I personally would prefer if my husband would relax more, lol he can't sit down for 5 mins... He works too hard at work lol  I'd rather do my duties anyway, he doesn't know how to do these things. Lol  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

HangingVine said:


> There is not a woman's way verses a man's way that chores are done.If I came in to clean your house if your wife is very particular about the way things are done, I would just about guarantee I do them differently.She would most likely be hanging over me too and "correcting me".Its a personality thing not a gender thing.
> 
> Words that come to mind for me are anal,or controlling,or micro managing,maybe perfectionist? And that type is not restricted to the female gender.People can also be that way just in certain areas and not others.It could be also more like a territory thing.
> 
> ...


See there is a good attitude... our yard needed some TLC had some bare spots.... I spent several hours replacing sprinklers, went to the local nursery to get advice, they told me about getting the right radius heads, also recommended a high Iron fertilizer... I asked about weed and feed and they said no stay away from that just use this.

Fast forward then yard looks good.... a few weeds here and there.

Wife starts complaining about the weeds, oh she thanked me for mowing the lawn but then nags... you should have put weed and feed on it. I said I asked the expert at the nursery and she recommended against it.

Wife: Well they are wrong.

Me: So you know more than the garden experts?

Wife. Yes

Me: Then you go buy and broadcast weed and feed.

Argh.
If one thing is true in my marriage she does most of the complaining. I can't remember the last time I complained about anything but sex. If it isn't done I just do it.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Thanks for all the responses everybody. As usual, a lot of different views and desires, but overall, it seems like women like men to share in the responsibility. 



Nynaeve said:


> I wouldn't say that his doing chores around the house makes me want sex with him more. It's more that if I feel like I'm having to be his mother, it kinda kills the mood. Adults should be taking responsibility for their own share of the mess that they make in their own homes.


This makes sense to me. On the other hand, could a husband go overboard on this. In other words, do some women like to feel their husband needs them a little more? When I was married, i could cook, clean, etc., and in looking back, I never had any issues. I hear some women say that their husband doesn't even know how to turn the washing machine on. 

I think that perhaps I was too independent. When we had children, I did my share with diaper changes, feedings, etc., without awkwardness or having to ask questions all the time. 

My brother is 7 years younger than me, and I remember helping take care of him as a baby. I also listened to all the doctor's instructions.

Anyway, doing all this stuff around the house didn't seem to make my x any happier, so I just wanted other ladies opinions.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

This is a good thread 

Coming from me, so some of you will understand this statement:

"Help" implies that is not your job to do it, but since you seem to be struggling, I will "help" you out. Maybe just this once.

Like you would help a co-worker with a project. It's not your job... but you can offer to "help". If push came to shove, well, it's not your responsibility. Really. You could just leave it.

I taught my son differently. A household takes a team to run smoothly. It's not your job, my job, it's things that simply need to be done to keep on living. Everyone has a part in the family unit. 
They should work together to keep things running. 

it's not that one should offer to "help" someone do their job.. but one should volunteer to assume part of the responsibility for keeping the family unit running. So it feels like a family unit. Not a job. 

I find it an admirable quality in a man to take charge in that manner. Not offer to help her... which is insinuating that it's her job to do all of it. You will just help her, since she's obviously unhappy, and not capable of just handling it all.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

deejov said:


> I find it an admirable quality in a man to take charge in that manner. Not offer to help her... which is insinuating that it's her job to do all of it. You will just help her, since she's obviously unhappy, and not capable of just handling it all.


I definitely teach our sons this very thing... in fact I allow them to DO for themselves WAY more than I allow their father.... simply because I don't want their wives one day to suffer -because MAMA babied them...and their walking into their marriages thinking / expecting their wives will be like this... as chances are she will be working too and he will have to do HALF of the chores anyway...so start them now, doing for themselves... 

I agree, the ideal situation is when both the husband & the wife ...when able , goes a little above & beyond -lending a helping hand - willingly... this is very considerate...

The problem arises when ONE of them starts taking it for granted, gets lazy, the possibility for "expectations" setting in....Hopefully this would not be the result though....but a growing appreciation in both resulting ....which makes for a very happy marriage.


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## HangingVine (Jul 1, 2013)

southbound said:


> Thanks for all the responses everybody. As usual, a lot of different views and desires, but overall, it seems like women like men to share in the responsibility.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think I understand what you are asking.I'll take a stab at it.

If her primary role is doing the bulk of domestic ?If she is a full time SAHM or if she works part time and your the primary income provider? Its possible if you come in and do "too much" she may a) feel like she is failing to provide since that is how she provides for you /family or b) you can do it all she is not really needed .

That could make her feel useless to you in a sense.At least as far as needing her for any practical aspects of your marriage.Most people have a need to feel needed and to know they are a valuable part of something in a way of being productive.

Is she complained about all she did? She could have been fishing around for validation or appreciation of her work rather than for you "help her".So by doing more of her primary role you could have inadvertently reinforced her fears that you don't really need her /depend on her for the very things she has to offer.

Just a guess.


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## HangingVine (Jul 1, 2013)

> Argh.
> If one thing is true in my marriage she does most of the complaining. I can't remember the last time I complained about anything but sex. If it isn't done I just do it.


Your wife could simply be a pessimist.Even though its not very simple as far as having to live with one.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Since we don't have any kids yet, I don't feel overwhelmed by doing the housework. If its something that needs to be fixed, or something my husband considers dangerous, like changing a lightbulb with really high ceilings, my husband will do it if I ask. Actually, I guess maybe I don't feel overwhelmed ever because even though we both work, if I ask anything of my husband, he will do it that day or as soon as he can. I guess I dont mind that my husband sits watching TV since he is so willing to help me with whatever if I ask.


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## Spinner (Jul 26, 2013)

I like us to do everything together. I enjoy spending time with him even if it's just washing dishes. There are however some things that I don't want to do at all like emptying mouse traps, and that's his job, just like there are some things he doesn't do, like mopping.

I hate cleaning while he's sitting in front of the tv, so no it's not okay with me personally. 

H doing housework doesn't make me horny  but it does make me feel appreciative.

There are certain things I want done the way I want them, like rearranging the living room furniture. My husband simply has no interior design sense 

Every marriage is different and each couple has to find what works for them


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