# My journal-Making it about me now



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Brief recap... Some of you have read my other posts, but I like how some other people here have journal threads to update or vent or just be sad or happy. 

My husband of almost 20 years and I have had many challenges to overcome, and victories to celebrate. Unfortunately, we didn't always approach things the best way and have drifted apart in ways that he thinks we cannot fix. I would be willing to work-I still love him with all my heart, but I am starting to wrap my brain around the thought that he passed the willing to work stage years ago. 

As of now, we are not planning to file paperwork or live separately anytime soon. That may change, we just don't know right now. He has been in IC for the first time in his life, and I think he needs to continue that before we do anything else. I started IC myself this past week. I've been in IC before, but this time, it's just to help me focus on being strong and navigating through this process. 

I have been making exercise a top priority and took my first yoga class tonight. It was oddly emotional and powerful for me. It seems fitting that my request for a name change came through today. When I signed up, I registered as Bothtoonice, because my H and I are where we are because we were both too "nice" to make it hard for each other and do what needed to be done. But now, it's about me. So I asked for a change. I dropped the "both".

So, I don't know what happens next. And as of this moment (after sweating my brains out for an hour of zen), I feel sort of ok with that. Things are going to progress how they will progress, and I will control what I can, and ride out what I can't. And I'll probably come here to talk about it when I need to.

I am inspired by the number of people here going through the same stages and thank each of you for sharing your stories, too. We aren't alone. And we will be just fine.

So yeah...welcome to my thread.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

the "not being willing to work at it" thing is about him, not you. It is about his struggles in his own head. Not something you can change.

Only thing you have control over is your own reactions, and even then, "control" is a hard term. You may have to let go of that notion. What you will need is a centeredness, something that comes out of a deeper place than will-power to control things or unconsciously doing it. 

You need that zen thing...your marriage is dead it sounds like. Best to admit it. I have found a release, personally, in just that admission. Less anxious to try to make it work, to fix it, and no rush to beat up on the dead thing either. If it can come alive again, that is out of your control too. You can only work on becoming more centered and attuned to something that can help you respond and act in ways that are profoundly freeing because they will not come out of an anxiousness and fear, but out of something freer in you.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

You are right on all counts, Arendt! That's why I'm changing it up and making it about me. For the first time in months, I feel like I've got somewhat of a handle on this.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Ug. Things have been normal day to day here. Tonight, however, the rest of the house is on a college trip. It's my first time in the house alone overnight since H told me our marriage can't be saved. 
I had dinner plans, came home after and sat in the car for 20 minutes because I didn't want to come in. Seems so silly.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Two sibling kittens would be great to come home to! And it is kitten season!!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> Two sibling kittens would be great to come home to! And it is kitten season!!


You know, the day may come when that will be a viable option!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm just going to vent here. I know what is right, and I will not waver from that. BUT... H has not been "into" me in years. He doesn't compliment me, he doesn't flirt with me-he's just not at that place with me. It led to some behavior I am not proud of a few years ago, when I did have someone express interest in me. It felt so good to have someone tell me things that reinforced me feeling good about myself! I realized how much I was missing that. And if I have to be honest with myself, it is one of the things I am really missing in my marriage, and I know H can't provide for me. When he says I deserve to be happy, I know that is one of the things I deserve.

Having said that...It really sucks to go out with my friends and feel pretty great about myself overall... And know that I can't openly flirt and really let myself have fun (just fun-I'm not interested in being easy or anything!) for who knows how long. I have no idea right now when I will be divorced. It's just such a weird limbo place to be. 

And it's really bizarre that while I do not want my marriage to end, I do feel ready to have a little fun. 

I should probably mark this as a therapy item. &#55357;&#56883;


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thinking about ending a marriage and actually doing it are a world apart in reality. 

When you end a marriage, whether it's been good, bad, or mediocre, it is a death, and you do grieve. It is painful. 

You may really want to consider a 6 month separation first; you can't miss someone when they are sitting right in front of you.

Doing that may give you and him the time to make an informed decision.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

He's already decided, indie. My path has been to focus on me and getting through his decision as a strong healthy person ready to face this when it comes. 

I don't get to decide in this one, and believe me, I've expressed to him how $hitty that is. We just can't logistically do anything about it right now, so we are taking time to make it all happen as smoothly as we can. But it puts me in a really weird spot for moving on, you know? I'm trying to figure out how life will be as a divorced person, while still acting like a married person. It's weird.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

IT is tough to o through it how your are going through it. Major reason my husband is not living here is because he pushes my buttons and I let him by reacting. so it wasn't a healthy dynamic at all. If you guy can keep the peace, then good, but it is also making it hard because you see him all the time. 

Im also not going to tell you to stay or go because I don't know your situation. Im am pro marriage, and I honestly would have dealt with my husband forever if it were not for me not being enough for him and the lies. NO MARRIAGE IS PERFECT! they all take work, commitment, and honesty. I honestly grieved more for the loss of my marriage than the loss of him. 

If you guys can work it out then go for it. IF not then you know what to do. 

Im here for you


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm having a really rough day today, but I'm not sure why. Just one of those out-of-the-blue emotional days, I guess. I've been a little worked up all day, and by the time I left work, was just feeling very alone and hurt and betrayed. And angry again. I had yoga tonight, so that helped some. 

H and I got Chinese food last night... With fortune cookies, of course. How's this for signs?
Mine: The whole world is a narrow bridge; the important thing is not to be afraid.
His: The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.

Yeah...I just saw his tonight. That didn't help. At all.

I'm still just really pissed. Pissed that our marriage ends because he says so. Pissed that we let it get to a point that is deemed by either of us to be unfixable. Pissed that we can't logistically do anything about it right now and I have to keep up this charade. And I'm worried that he's waiting for me to get to a point where I will make a move, so he doesn't have to. We are living in this awful limbo world right now, and I just don't know how long I can keep it up. But since I didn't choose to say it's over, I won't be the one to do anything about it. 

I guess I'm just really mad tonight. 

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I hate days like today. Days when I feel mostly ok, and out of the blue, the pain just starts to well up. It builds and builds, and I shove it back down...just praying I can make it home without bursting into tears in the grocery store or walking down the street. Days when I walk through the door and just crumble into sobs. I so dread these days.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

TooNice said:


> I hate days like today. Days when I feel mostly ok, and out of the blue, the pain just starts to well up. It builds and builds, and I shove it back down...just praying I can make it home without bursting into tears in the grocery store or walking down the street. Days when I walk through the door and just crumble into sobs. I so dread these days.


Im sorry tooNice. This really stinks. I don't even know what to say to you because your still living with him. Do you want to save your marriage?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

mishu143 said:


> Do you want to save your marriage?


More than anything, mishu. But it takes two.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

TooNice said:


> More than anything, mishu. But it takes two.


Yes you are right.... maybe its time to make the move... show him you will take the first step and file....maybe that will scare him into figuring things out... What else have you thought of? I know this is so terribly hard.... but you are both in limbo, and yours is hell because your limbo is not a chosen one....


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I don't feel like either of us should do anything until we can talk to our kids, and that can't happen for several months yet. One lives out of state, and we won't have them both in a room together until June. So that's a pretty big obstacle. In the meantime, it is really hard, yes. I just don't know what else to do.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I haven't been in here much lately, and apologize for not supporting a few people here I had been communicating with before who have been struggling. I just needed a break.

Things are unchanged, but H and I continue to talk. We are talking about things we should have talked about 10 years ago, but at least we are talking. It's still not going to fix our broken marriage, but it will help me feel better about walking away when the time comes. 

I had IC today, too. I really like my counselor. She wants me to focus on what I feel like when I am alone...where my thoughts go, what is comfortable for me, and what is not. I've never lived alone before, and I am terrified of it. She wants me to use this time (when I'm not actually living alone yet) to help me be comfortable with myself and get prepared so I am ok when it does happen. 

I am still grieving. I still have bouts of anger and just overwhelming sadness. I also have moments when I think this is the right things for us to do, and that one day, I will be happier. I will be with someone who is excited to see me every day, who not only lets me do little nice things, but is grateful for them, who helps around the house, who cooks with me and goes for walks, and tells me I'm beautiful. Things I deserve to have. 

I hope others here are doing well, or as well as you can be. Hugs.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I hear ya TooNice. It does take two. It took two to screw it up and it will take two to fix it. But it's funny how they don't see it that way. Like my h - it took one (me) to screw it up and therefore it takes one (me) to fix it even though he has issues that he needs to fix. But he's not sure that fixing it is what he wants. How crazy the whole thing is!!!! 
But you are right, we can better ourselves, and they can either jump on board or abandon ship, but we will have prepared for a better life either way.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I've been thinking about a few things lately-I have some challenging situations coming up. We are spending next weekend with my BFF and her H-and they both know about our situation. They love us both though, and we want to spend time with them. It should be fun, and I'm relieved that they know. Hanging out with people who don't know is so exhausting. Like having family over for Easter. And end of school events that our coming up. And our 20th wedding anniversary. (I'm really freaking out about that one!) 

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I could let my emotions take over, if I let them. Usually I let them, because I do believe it's better than holding them in. I think today, though, I will try to work through it. 

I have some grocery shopping to do, and I'd like to make dinner for tonight. I recently downloaded an app to help me keep up with my housekeeping, so I have a few small projects to work on for that. And I need to get a workout in. So, I am facing the day with some coffee and a plan. 

So, here's to that.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Well, your marriage is dead and you have not yet began to disentangle your lives, so I can see how things would be hard. You might even have little flickers of hope still that this can be saved even though you H. says clearly that it cannot. 

Holding things in and not telling anybody is doing nobody any good. Do you think your kid is going to accept this better once he or she heads off to College? Better to tell the kid now, so their grades will not suffer from the turmoil later. They can grieve over the summer and then go off to a new place and new situation and heal away from it all. That is my view at least.

And what good does it do to keep it from your families and other friends. They already know something is wrong, you can bet on that. All keeping it a secret is doing is letting you hold onto a secret last shred of false hope, so that maybe if you are the good W., if you can be the perfect partner, maybe he will change his mind. 

Maybe you should find a support group in your city, where people talk openly about these things. It would probably help you quite a bit to release some of your thoughts to living and breathing people.

Daily "to do" lists and such things always help me to cope when I am feeling down about things. So kudos. If anxiety is an issue for you, coffee may exacerbate the issue, so decaf more than caffeinated would be my advice (as a coffee addict here!)


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks for your input, Arendt. You are right, it would be better to get it out in the open. The problem is that there are two kids, and one is out of state at the moment. We both agree that it would be unacceptable to tell them separately. We will get through the celebrations they both have first, and then they will be home together and have each other to turn to for support. (That's our plan/hope anyway.)

I am pretty sure my friends won't be surprised when the time comes. I think our families might be, though. Maybe not our kids, but I think quite a few people will be. 

I appreciate your comments about it being easy to have hope, but no worries there. I get it it. It's over. He's been pretty clear about that. He might have some tiny, tiny shred of thought that we could recapture things if we worked very hard, but he has too much fear of how it would make him if we tried and it didn't work. He is not willing to take that risk. I talked in IC about that the other day, and my counselor agreed that it is his issue, and it need to just focus on me.

Now... Decaf coffee??? That's just crazy talk. 

Thanks for the note.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Haven't posted on here in awhile. Lots going on. Mostly just busy life stuff... Partially just not sure what else to say some days.

We've had more rough talks. Always rough, but always necessary, too. I'm coming more to terms with where we are, and making some realizations. I'm realizing that I'm getting closer to understanding that he's right. I'm realizing that he's right about this being the next step toward both of us finding happiness. I'm starting to envision what my future might look like. I know our situation is very different than many here. While I occasionally think it might be easier to just have something to be really angry about, I realize that I am so grateful that he cares enough about me to take time to let me process this. 

I've been very stressed out about a date on the calendar. Our 20th anniversary is approaching, and I have been beside myself thinking about what that day will look like. In my head, I see people sending us notes and phone calls...our kiddo will not be home until late that night, and H usually works evenings. Didn't paint a very pleasant picture. But we talked about it. He wants to celebrate. 20 years is worth celebrating, even if it's our last celebration together. Dinner, reflecting, probably some laughter-he can always make me laugh. I feel better knowing that we CAN celebrate. 

I have therapy tomorrow, and I feel like I have a lot of good to talk about. It still hurts so very, very much, but slowly, I can see that it's the right thing. I know that I will breathe so much easier after we can tell the kids... I feel like that's the really big thing that is crippling me emotionally right now. But we still agree on the timing of that, and it's simply not time yet. 

Baby steps for now, and one day at a time.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

One more quick thing to add. This morning, he paused to share with me that he's anxious and worried and scared about the future, too. Even though he's driving this, and is sitting back waiting for me to be ready, the changes scare him, too.

That was nice to hear.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

So, this is a lot of me just rambling on here-lol, but it helps me to put it out there.

My counselor thought I seemed much better this week. I certainly cried less than at my other visits. She really wants me to continue to envision what I want my life to look like when we do split. To start thinking about my own place, and how that looks. How I spend my time, how I calm myself and what I do to stay busy or to relax. Pretty good appt overall.

The day was topped off with an unexpected dinner with a friend who had great timing, so all in all, not a bad day.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

So, so sad today. We have hosted Easter for my husband's family for many years. We did it today, and I spent the whole day knowing it's not only my last Easter with them, but my last holiday. We have one more big family event, but then they will know we are divorcing. I will of course, see them again, but it will never be the same. 

I'm just so sad.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Are you doing what your counselor suggested?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Arendt, I am. And while there are still a few key triggers that make me sad, I think that I am doing well overall. It was just so overwhelming yesterday to spend time with these people I love knowing that I will be losing them, too. Seeing that part of what my life will look like makes me sad. 

I did break down crying in front of my H last night and we talked about this. He knows that I am losing much more than our marriage in this divorce, and it makes him sad, too. I told him of a few conversation moments that took place yesterday that were particularly challenging for me, and he said later that he admires my strength for making it through that. His family is a very big part of my life, and our holiday routines are very special. He gets to keep that. 

I know this isn't easy for him, either. I think if it were, he'd just pack up and we'd finish this thing. But we do care about each other, and we love our children. While it almost hurts more to drag it out like this, I think in the end, it is paving a better path for our relationship in the future. We don't want birthdays, weddings, and other life moments to be painful for our family or for each other. 

I can say more and more now that I know he's right about this. I can see myself happier later. I can see myself spending time with a man who shares his time with me, who complements me and shares both the mundane and exciting parts of life with me. He can't give me that.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

mishu143 said:


> I honestly grieved more for the loss of my marriage than the loss of him.


Agreed, ultimately, giving up the marriage and family and life we wanted is more difficult than giving up the X. They decide to leave and you can't change them. But we have a lot our identity and future tied up in what we think our lives will look like. 

When it changes so dramatically and we can't stop it, change it, fix it; it's really difficult to adjust to getting what we never wanted. And that has little to do with the person we've lost and ultimately detached from.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

angstire said:


> Agreed, ultimately, giving up the marriage and family and life we wanted is more difficult than giving up the X. They decide to leave and you can't change them. But we have a lot our identity and future tied up in what we think our lives will look like.
> 
> When it changes so dramatically and we can't stop it, change it, fix it; it's really difficult to adjust to getting what we never wanted. And that has little to do with the person we've lost and ultimately detached from.


Wow.. It seems so obvious, but it guess I never looked at it this way. This is so true. I do love him and will miss him terribly, but it's really the loss of everything else that is making this so much harder for both of us.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Huh. I just had a bit of an "aha" moment. Like everyone here, I have the ups and downs. I ride out the rollercoaster and go with it as best I can. Easter was a really deep low and I was very sad. Since then, I've just... been. 

What's worse? The highs of I'm gonna be great on my own, we are getting along ok and we will figure this out? The lows with the tears and the back breaking sobs and the complete and utter loneliness? 

Or simply existing in an emotionless funk?

I almost think I would rather be feeling -something-. I just feel unsettled right now.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

TooNice said:


> I almost think I would rather be feeling -something-. I just feel unsettled right now.


This happens, you feel so many things as you move through the five stages of grief. I didn't reach a spot of feeling nothing, but some people do. Maybe that's deep sorrow, where your body just takes a break and you feel so much sad, you just feel dead and it feels even and so it feels like nothing; I don't know.

I do know you have to move through all of the emotions, the anger, the sad, the lonely, the hopeless, the regret. If you get stuck in any of these, you will slow your healing. 

Time helps, but feeling all of the emotions is part of that. Don't hide from it. Wail if you need to. Vent here if you need to. Just keep going. It will get better with time.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

TooNice, 

I have to be honest. Maybe its my age, maybe I am naïve, but I am so confused on what your life is becoming. I am sad for you because you are feeling what I am feeling. Losing all the connections you both have made together. 

But I have this horrible feeling, Why?? What happened? No affair? Nothing? Was it really just a that's it kind of a thing? I mean what really happened? 

Did you guysfight a lot? I dunno, I am just so confused and I don't mean to be intrusive, but I feel for you, and I think, what the hell could have made him just want to leave like this? How cordial you are all being with one another... How you are living your lives right now...

It has to be so hard, and I am not even there, but I am just so puzzled... 

I agree with you that being angry, frustrated, etc helps in getting some kind of acceptance of the situation. I don't think I am clarifying it correctly but I am at a loss for words...

Are you guys living like your married, besides just being in the same house. Are you intimate? Do you have dinner together? 

I mean how are you getting along knowing that you are ending your marriage of 20 years. Its just so amicable, Im so confused and sad all at the same time, because I know you want to keep your marriage and he doesn't but there has to be a reason... Is there?

Again, not trying to be intrusive, so ignore what you want... Im just trying to wrap my head around it all...


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

No worries, Mishu. I get it. It's messed up.

I think we swept things aside for such a very long time, that we are simply past the point of no return now. He did have one affair 7 years into our marriage, during one of the darkest and most awful times of my life. We worked on reconciling then, but in looking back, we didn't do nearly what we should have. I wasn't in a place where I could see that my marriage was in crisis. (I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but my depression was very deep.) 

I suspect there have been others, but I have nothing to confirm it, so trust has been an issue for 13 years.

When I got better, he wanted to support me finishing school. I think he knew then, but I was focused on school and the kids and just being better. Then I finished school, and started realizing that he was still never home. He still doesn't open up about his feelings. Doesn't hold my hand. Doesn't compliment me or help around the house. I think he shut down a really, really long time ago.

So, now he's talking about how I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. And finally...finally...he is talking to someone about his own issues. I should have insisted that he see a therapist 15 years ago. I suggested it, but didn't force the issue. I think all these years watching me with my own struggles and not allowing me in when I was strong enough to be there for him finally showed him what HE needs, too. But for some reason, when he is ready to let someone in, it's not going to be me. When I was that person, he'd have none of it. Then I needed a LOT of support for a long time, and he realized that I wasn't there for him anymore. 

It's hard to be the dependable person in the life of a very independent person. 

Do we live like a married couple? Yes, mostly. We go out to dinner together once or twice a week, we talk about our day. We do not share a bedroom most of the time, and have not been intimate since he told me that his mind is made up. He holds me when I cry, though. 

How am I getting along? 

I honestly don't know. I try to think about things I enjoy doing, and things I would enjoy sharing with a partner. He does not enjoy any of them. I think about that a lot. I don't really enjoy things he does, either. So as we face an empty house and time as adults without children, I suppose that is a pretty important thing. I've tried to get him to try new things with me, but again...he's just shut down.

So yes, we are cordial to one another and just taking things day by day until we finalize the process. It's weird, I know. Remember my original user name-BothToonice? It's pretty descriptive. 

Thanks for your insight. It's not intrusive at all. It's very true.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Im so sorry, but I am glad I asked. Now I see the problem and I am so sorry. I really am. I am here for you and as I read your post I cried because I could relate on so many levels.

I am glad you are at least out of your funk! I was in one for a looooong time also(depression) and it is a battle to get away from. I am proud of the fact that you are able to do what you want and you are able to be yourself. 

I want to get there soon. I hope I will. 

I am praying for you. I am praying for your family, and for your future. 

Thank you for sharing.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

The more we talk, the more I start to feel like we are (he is) making a mistake. I think he's ready to focus on his emotional health for the first time in his life, and he's afraid that he'll get hurt if we stay together and it ultimately doesn't work. I would work my tail off for this marriage of he wanted to, but we both have to be all in. Right now that's not the case, so I have to let go. 

It's so hard to let go of someone BECAUSE you love them.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Or let go because you love yourself. If he can't focus on the marriage or doesn't see the value, no one can make him.

Focus on yourself and he may realize what he's giving up. But....if people think the grass will be greener, there's nothing anyone can do to convince them otherwise.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

angstire said:


> Or let go because you love yourself. If he can't focus on the marriage or doesn't see the value, no one can make him.
> 
> Focus on yourself and he may realize what he's giving up. But....if people think the grass will be greener, there's nothing anyone can do to convince them otherwise.


You are so right. And I know this. It's just sad. It's sad to think that two people can really love each other, and have it not be enough. I would work for us, but as I said, we would both need to be all in. If that's not the case, then I need to let this go and move on. I am grateful that I am strong enough to do that, and I have him to thank for giving me that. 

But I don't know how to not be sad about it.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

TooNice said:


> But I don't know how to not be sad about it.


Don't try to not be sad. Feel it. All of it. It's sad to lose your bff, your lover, your future. It sucks. But it does get better. 

Grieve it and move on. Do things for you. Focus on little things you can do for you each day and week by week, you'll feel better.

It's ok to be sad; it would be odd if you weren't. Time will heal this wound as it does with all wounds. Just work on feeling your feelings and you'll be ok.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

angstire said:


> Don't try to not be sad. Feel it. All of it. It's sad to lose your bff, your lover, your future. It sucks. But it does get better.
> 
> Grieve it and move on. Do things for you. Focus on little things you can do for you each day and week by week, you'll feel better.
> 
> It's ok to be sad; it would be odd if you weren't. Time will heal this wound as it does with all wounds. Just work on feeling your feelings and you'll be ok.


Thank you. Truly.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm feeling a little more calm today, for now. I told H how I felt. I said I knew it was not going to change his mind, but I needed him to know that I think we could make this work if he felt he could. I couldn't go though the rest of this process without saying it out loud. I know we have lots of differences, but the base things that attracted us to one another are still there. I will walk away if that's what he needs, but I needed to acknowledge that. 

I will be home alone much of the weekend, so I am glad to be feeling a little peace today, even if it doesn't last long. I have therapy this morning, too, so that should also help. 

Now we are weeks away from telling the kids, too. I'm still very anxious about that. Timing will not be what I wanted, but there's not much we can do there. We will have to live with however that plays out. I just want that part done. Once that's over, this will be out there and real, and we can stop pretending and talking in secret. 

At least it is a beautiful day for a change, and I can get some windows open and let some fresh air clean out my emotionally charged home. My boy is going to prom tonight, so I am looking forward to seeing him and his friends all dressed up, and I will enjoy their youth and friendship and laughter. 

Another day. I will do all I can to make the very best of it.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

What was his reaction?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

He hugged me and said "I know." And he thanked me for sharing that I felt that way.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I have checked in on this site regularly, but I had not realized how long it has been since I have posted in my own thread. 

Things are progressing here. We celebrated some major life events with our children-awkward as it was for me knowing what is to come. Some nice moments together... some tough ones behind closed doors.

We were unable to sit the kids down and tell them together, so my H told his daughter right before she left. From what he said, she took it pretty calmly. She is a scholar and somewhat clinical about life, so I'm not surprised. 

The plan is to tell our son tonight. My H knows that I am starting to get fairly upset about him not knowing, and not being able to tell my friends and family. And the reason we haven't done it yet is largely because his schedule hasn't allowed for it. I'm starting to get resentful about it, and would like to deal with this before that gets worse. I am proud of myself for owning some particular feelings and rights in this, and this is one of them. My H gets to be protected as long as we haven't told people yet. While I do still care for him, he is initiating this, and every day we wait is holding me back from moving on.

To be fair, there have been other things happening in the direction of making changes. He actually had the filing papers up on the computer the other night and we talked about some of the things we both need (mostly me) in the legal side of things. I am also going to the bank this week to set up my own accounts so we can start transitioning some finances to me. 

I also started asking frank questions about when he is thinking we will move. I think I surprised him when I gave a date I am thinking. I think it was sooner than he expected. But again, I am embracing my right to be a little selfish here. He wants this. I need to move on. I need my own place to start that. 

I mentioned that I think I would like to offer our son the opportunity to look for places with me. He may choose not to, but he might like to see what he is going to come home to from college. As a mom, I think that's fair. Much better than moving from our home and coming back to a place he's never seen before. I am not sure what my H had been thinking, but I don't think it involved that. 

We've even had discussions about "stuff", and how to go about things. He doesn't want to do a whole lot of packing/dividing before our son goes to college, just to maintain the status quo a little longer, but we have talked about major furniture pieces, etc. With summer and rummage sales and the like, we really need to be ready to make purchase and fill gaps where we can. 

My expectations of my next home are very different than his. I want comfort and to feel like I belong there. I know he will likely scale way back to save money. The old me would have suffered guilt from that. I know now that when I am settled into the place I see in my mind, it will be a place for me to heal and love myself for who I am. I deserve that. His choices are his choices. This is mine.

So... That's where I am at. Thanks as always to the people here who provide such wonderful support and feedback. I know it has helped me get to the place I am, and will continue to help me where I am going.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You have every right to ask for what you need. Not telling people has held back a network of support. Good for you in taking charge a bit.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

It's done. It was hard, probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He's doing ok now. Just taking time to process. We told him that we've been processing for awhile. We said that we just talk about things as we think of them and that he can do that, too. 

We are still a family, and that's not changing. We'll get through this together, and now that he knows, we can start moving forward with that.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

I am so sorry tooNice. Seems like it is all becoming reality... Well your timeline was just about right when you predicted you would tell him, so good for you in sticking to it. 

I have you in my prayers, don't give up.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks, that means a lot.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Wow...the telling part is hard. Now that my son knows, I have a few people to tell and so does my H. Just a few people that we want to have hear it from us, not someone else. 
I think by the end of this week I will feel like we are done with that part and we can just settle in to the summer and the prepping for fall. 

I'm ready to be at the part where I can say it without tears, though.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

How did your son take it btw?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

He's doing alright. He was pretty shocked at first, and then just asked for time to process it. He knows we are here for him, and we made it clear that we are all figuring out what this is going to look like. He's got a good friend base, and told me this morning that he plans to utilize that network (and started last night).

Seems pretty healthy to me, and definitely on the positive side of what we hoped would happen. I took today off work simply to hang around the house with him, so it's been nice just to be around. 

Thanks for asking.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Between hanging out with my son and some things I had to go take care of, I made quite a few phone calls today. I told key people that I wanted to have hear it from me. Oddly, in a weird clinical way, I've found the variety of responses to be so interesting. (Although one simply cheesed me off.)

Overall though, that was simply exhausting. I cried every single time the words came out. I remember that someone here once told me that once you can talk about the divorce and say the words without tears, you are on a good path to recovering. (It might even be in in this thread somewhere.) 

This was the part I was waiting for, though. And I cried the very hardest when my sister in law told me that she always wants me to be a part of her life-that she can't imagine me not in it. And if it can be comfortable for me to do so, she still wants to see me. That meant the world to me. I haven't talked to my H yet to hear how his conversations went (she was one of them), but that was very overwhelming for me. 

I have a couple more friends to tell when I see them in person later this week, but I have mostly told everyone I care about most. 

As I told one friend tonight who already knew, the elephant is now roaming freely about the room.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Why do you think you cry when you tell people? I mean, you don't seem to be crying at other times, so what is it about telling people that makes you cry?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Nah... I most definitely cry at other times. More than I would like. I'm doing a pretty good job overall at being strong, but I'm still sad about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

It's getting easier. I think. 

We have been backing off from pressing our son to talk to us, but I felt the need to mention tonight that we need to consider what furniture and things we will need for my apartment-specifically what we need for him. That led to a discussion about us leaving our current place, which I don't think he had really thought through. I feel badly about that, but at the same time, I think it was good to bring it up. 

Our place is nice enough, but I am actually looking forward to moving. A nice place, chosen by me (and my son, if he wants to help), decorated by me, and settled by me. I feel like I am ready for that. I'm more sorry than I can say that my son is losing the only place he has known as home, but it's not reasonable to stay. We rent, and can easily find two smaller places. Besides, it needs a lot of work that the landlord won't do. He never has. 

My friends have been amazing, and I know that this will be fine. 

I am making an effort to not feel guilty, which is funny given the circumstances that got us here. My husband plans to rent a very small place for 6-12 months to save money. He does not have the support network I do, and he commented the other night that his own family seems more concerned for me than for him. I feel sadness for him, but at the same time, I feel protective of myself and fortunate for what I have. As far as I know, he hasn't done anything to deserve ill will, and I have stopped the few friends who tried to call him names. But I want him to be happy, and I just don't know how he is going to get there. It makes me sad.

I suppose I feel guilty for feeling like I may be ready to move forward. While I was shocked when he told me all those months ago that there is nothing left to work on, I guess I recognize that our marriage has been over for years. If he is completely unwilling to try, than I don't want to drag it out. 

Is that wrong?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I think the thing I hate the most about this process is the emotional roller coaster. How you can feel fine one day. Several days, even. Strong. Brave. In control. 

And then out of nowhere, you get slammed against a wall. The tears flow, you feel sick to your stomach and can't lose the lump in your throat. And you can't define a reason for it; it just happened. All you can do is wait for it to pass and wait for that feeling of strength to return. 

Just one of those days.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

We mutually agreed to remove our rings yesterday. I never thought I would instigate that, but it was making me sad to wear it. I then posted the following in another thread:

And so we take our rings off before attending a major social function together. Before we left, I was having a particularly emotional time. Before we got to the function, he wanted me to know that he does still love me through all of this and probably always will. Then at the event, was really very kind and loving and more demonstrative than he has been in years. 

WTH do I do with that? 

I am terribly torn right now. I don't want to tell him to stop being nice to me, but it's killing me that he apparently thinks I'm such a great person and is clearly still attracted to me on many levels...but I'm still not worthy of staying married to.

And all this, after we remove our wedding bands.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

He's codependent. He wants the divorce but doesn't want to hurt you and was trying to "fix" things by being nice.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

You are right, of course. I know he feels badly for wanting this and more importantly for hurting me and our family. That's why he's being so low key about everything. This particular thing was too much, though. 

We didn't see each other or talk too much yesterday, and I'm leaving town for several days starting tomorrow. I think the time away will be good for me.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Great. A vacation will be a breath of fresh air for you.

have you considered going ahead and moving out? Living together all this time, it would seem to me, only prolongs the attachment and hanging on and pain.

It feels to me like you-all are torturing yourselves. Looking back to my marriage over the past 2 years, we did that too. I am glad we live apart. The divorce is much, much easier than if we had still lived together and seen each other everyday and all that. Hell, I'm looking forward to it. Feels like i'm about to get a brand new shiny car . I think you'll get to that point only after you've lived apart for some time or something. He keeps hurting you unintentionally in the meantime.

If you want to start anew, do it. You could take charge of this situation if you want.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks, Arendt. 
I'm not willing to move until our son is at school. At the same time, I won't prolong it once that happens. I think H would be fine to help finances by staying in the same place together for awhile, even into the spring. I've made it clear that I am not okay with that. I will be in my own place in September or October at the latest. 

This may not be what I asked for, but I'm recognizing how it is affecting me to be around him every day. As much as I care for him and still enjoy time with him, it's painful. I know I am going to miss him very much, but I feel like I'm ready for my brand new shiny place.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

School begins in late August. So you could be out by September 1 right? Once July hits you might start looking. (July starts in a few hours  ). Could take you a little while to find a place you want. Plus all the people coming back for the Fall make it harder to find a place.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Already been looking, friend. 

I know things become exponentially tougher once the college crew starts seeking out places, so my hope is to find something before that happens. My target move date is September, but I am willing to do October if a great place comes along that is open then. My work schedule would make that a bit easier, but I'll let fate handle it. 

And you are right... It's July now, so I should start looking a bit more now. The kiddo is willing to look at places with me, which I would really like. This will be his home now, too, so it would be nice to have him be a part of this part. 

Thanks for helping to keep me on track.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Paperwork completed-check. H is going to drop it off sometime this week.

Conversations about how to split debt and what support will look like-check. Nothing written done yet, but that's the next step. So far, fair and civil.

First awkward family gathering since we delivered the news-check. Horrible day for me, but his family showed much love and support, which I am blessed to have. I understand that in many situations, this fades over time, but to have it at this moment is a treasure to me.

So, now I am more aggressively looking for a place. I am going to start contacting management companies to see if I can get a heads up for Sept/Oct places in my price range. I really need to start spending some time packing and organizing. Work-wise, this is a really bad time for me to move, so I need to do anything I can to make it easier. 

H is still being very kind and affectionate. He admits that it's hard to see me hurting, so he wants to comfort me. I've told him that it is hurting me more, so we are figuring out our space. It's a tough thing to do, but Arendt, you are spot on. I can't let him hurt me this way anymore. I really can't move yet, but we can create some distance in other ways. 

So, I guess that's all...just plugging along.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

TooNice said:


> Paperwork completed-check. H is going to drop it off sometime this week.
> 
> Conversations about how to split debt and what support will look like-check. Nothing written done yet, but that's the next step. So far, fair and civil.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry. I think it is much easier to move on when people are at each others throats. I cant imagine being where you are and you are very strong for not letting it bring you down. I have you in my prayers. Im so sorry for this happening to you. It seems so smooth but I know it has to be rough... Ugghhh sorry


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks, girl. In the long run, this way will be better, but yeah... It's killing me a little inside every day. 

The next several months are going to fly by, and I know I'll be on my own and starting over before I know it. I'm just holding onto that. Control what we can, right?


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

TooNice said:


> Thanks, girl. In the long run, this way will be better, but yeah... It's killing me a little inside every day.
> 
> The next several months are going to fly by, and I know I'll be on my own and starting over before I know it. I'm just holding onto that. Control what we can, right?


Right


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Just wanted to say, I've been following your story and I find it so sad.

You had months to think about it, and know it's coming. All the while, being together, and having happy times together.

I think that is worse in some ways, then if you were angry and you hated each other.

I'll be praying for you. You are strong! How are you doing?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Just wanted to say, I've been following your story and I find it so sad.
> 
> You had months to think about it, and know it's coming. All the while, being together, and having happy times together.
> 
> ...


Thanks so very much. 
I'm doing alright. I had a couple of sleepless nights, which throws my emotions out of whack, but finally got some sleep last night. 

I saw my therapist yesterday, and she's happy with how I am doing. We talked about how it feels to look at apartments, how it feels to flirt a little without guilt...things that are becoming less theoretical now. It's still strange to come home and talk to my STBX about the places I am looking at, about furniture I need, etc. But I am trying to pull away from him in other ways, so I guess I feel ok being open about that stuff, even if it's a little surreal.

She likes that I a taking charge and looking for places now. And packing and organizing. I told her my theory that I am controlling what I can, and that includes an organized move. Many things will soon be out of my control, so if I can keep hold of some through planning, I am there! 

One day at a time.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

So, apartment hunting is not much different the relationships, in my opinion. Lots of disappointing encounters, getting your hopes up and then being let down... Wouldn't you agree? 

I've looked at several places now that would seriously have me regressing from a 42 year old soon to be divorced mom to a college student. :-/

I have one place (a lower) that has awesome pics, though, and I drove past it tonight. I've been emailing the owner, and he said the upper unit will be open when I need it, it's cheaper than the lower, and he thinks it's a nicer place. And as a single woman, I'd rather have an upper apt anyway. I'm trying not to get totally excited, but this place could be perfect. It's on a great street, it's adorable, and reasonable. But I can't see it until after Aug 1. It's about 10 minutes further than I wanted to be, but if it turns out that it's not too good to be true, I'll take it!

Fingers crossed...


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Turns out that the upper wasn't too good to be true, so it looks like I have a place of my own. It's super cute and warm and cozy and will make me feel like I'm home. The landlord is very nice, too. I don't know who he rented the lower to, but I'll ask about them when I sign the lease next week. 

I've been spending a lot of time with friends lately, taking advantage of the summer here and doing things that make me feel good. I need to to start digging in with packing, though. I can't avoid it any longer. The division of stuff is just so draining. But a month from now, my kids will both be settled into the new chapters of their lives, as will I and my STBX. 

It's all so very surreal.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

So very sad and overwhelmed tonight. This whole week, really. I just feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. 
Everything... Work, my son going to college, and my move... It's just all coming to a head. 

I'm just so overwhelmed. I know everything will be fine, but right now, it's just too much.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

It does get better with time and the distance the move will give you will be good.

Sucks...only way through it is through it right now. You seem to be handling things pretty well though. I mean you could be trying to stop the pain by all sorts of means and bad habits...but aside from a few temptations here and there, you seem to be doing well.

Are you in therapy? I forget.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks, Arendt.
I am in therapy, yes. She thinks I'm handling things well, too. This is my busy time at work, though, with added the stress of some major changes. I typically roll very well with change, but not so much right now. 
The fact that my marriage is truly coming to an end is a reality that is hitting me hard. Having matter of fact conversations about dividing our belongings, about budgets, telling my husband about my new place... It's just too much. I know that it could be so much worse-we are being kind to each other, and I know he won't let this be harder than it has to be. But that in and of itself makes it hard in other ways. 

I realized tonight that as strong as I have been, as brave as I have been-it does not change the fact that I still love him. I let my hurt overshadow that while we maneuvered through the past several months, but I realize now that I need to let myself feel that for awhile. It's unfortunate timing for me to deal with that particular self realization, but I know that's the thing that is making me sad. 

So I guess I know what's on the agenda for my next appointment, huh?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Yeah. You've got some healing to do. 

That new place is going to be cool. Think of all the wonderful decorating you can do. Are you keeping things from the place you have now, like furniture and stuff? They might trigger you...Might be easier to just start over with new stuff. I am glad I did.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I am taking some things, but not much. I'd rather start out sparse and fill my space with things I love. Things chosen by me. Many of our bigger items were either gifted to us, or things that I like, but mostly was amiable about purchasing because he liked it. 

We've never done a lot of decorating, so I am really looking forward to that. A rug here, a picture there, just having the ability to see something I like and purchase it. In 20 years of marriage, that's not a thing I have ever had. 

As hard as the other night was, I am glad to have had it. I feel as though I have shifted into a new place in the healing process. I can step back and look at a few things in a different light, and I feel healthier for it. 

The pain is still raw, but lessened somehow by my acknowledgment of it. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's the best way I can explain it.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I've been home alone tonight. I almost left, but reached out to some friends, and stuck it out. Only got two boxes packed, but I think the fact that I stayed here was a bigger victory. I feel as though being home alone will be easier in my new place. Here, I just walk around and see boxes, and piles, and things divided. My life divided. It's terribly unsettling. I know that avoiding it does not help me, so I'm glad I stuck it out. 

I sign my lease on Sunday, and my son will go with me so he can see my place before he leaves for college. I know this is strange and awkward for him, but I feel like I need him there with me, and I think it's ok for him to know that I need him right now. He kept reminding me on his birthday that he's an adult now-lol. I just need to lean on him a little for this big step for both of us. 

I did have therapy this week. I knew it would be emotional, and I was right. She wants me to start pushing my STBX away more...to start telling him that he's causing me pain by trying to help. I'm not going to tell him this, but I think he's trying to alleviate some of his own guilt by trying to console me. And when it comes to our son, he really wants to be there for me, but even with that, I need to start having some space. The ride home from his college will be hard for me...it will be worse if he tries to help, and I need to tell him that somehow. 

It's going to be tough. And when we get home, moving and packing will be in high gear. That's this time next weekend. Yikes!


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

why are you riding with your stbxh? ?you can rent a car for cheap and have piece of mind and drive how you want to and not be trapped. Distance.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Arendt said:


> why are you riding with your stbxh? ?you can rent a car for cheap and have piece of mind and drive how you want to and not be trapped. Distance.


Part of it is to save money, but a larger part is to have us both spend the travel time with our son. 

We do get along well, and I know we want to experience this as parents, together, as we will future things in our kids' lives. 

Then there's the part where I only do long distance driving when necessary. I'd much rather read or watch the scenery go by. By-product of being the youngest child. (Rear facing station wagon seat and all!)


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

torturing yourself for the sake of your son...

there has to be a better way.

a bus or train back?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I do appreciate your perspective, but it's no different than what we've both been doing for a long time. (Much longer on his side!) We are good at making things seem "normal".

After the last 8-12 months, what's another 6 hours? I just need to put on my big girl panties and be honest with him. It will hurt him, because he will lose his feel good/good deed outlet. And he genuinely does not want me to hurt. But he wanted this, and he can't make my hurt go away-not in regard to our divorce, or to our baby going off to college. 

The physical distance will be here in no time at all. I can tough out a little longer. I'll likely be weepy enough to not notice much else, anyway!

It's going to be hard for me no matter what. On the bright side, I'll be a passenger in a car, not driving or riding mass transit with tears rolling down my face!


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Sure. Your counselor is suggesting to put some distance too...refuse hugs, help, etc. This could very well be one of those moments. But, you have to do what you think is best and you are comfortable with. Reading from a distance...it is tough to see how it is beneficial and what you have been doing is not something I would have wanted to go through. YOu'll look back and see it , but at this point you may not be able to yet.

But the move is coming! Yeah!!!!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Well, we certainly are in the thick of things now. We said our farewells to our boy and left him to start his new adventures. When we got home, we took the first load of stuff to my new place. 

We spent tonight working on sorting through things. Most of the house is done, but the two biggest areas are still left. But we are both out of here by next weekend.

He did even mention filing tonight. He said he'd been holding off because he felt like I needed more time. I looked at him and asked, "are you going to change your mind"? He replied that he is not, so I said there's no reason to wait for anything then. 

I'm so stressed out right now. Between missing my son, the stress of moving, and figuring out the divorce, it's enough to push anyone to the edge. I am throwing my busiest time of the year at work into the mix, too. I spent 5 hours at the office today, and will probably do a full day tomorrow. Every day this week can easily be a 12 hour day or more, and that will continue until the middle of September. 

How I am going to settle into my new place is sort of beyond me at this moment. I know I will make it. I know it will be fine. I'm just not sure how just now.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Too try too look at being busy at work as a good thing. ..it can be a good distraction, better than sitting home alone in your new place...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I spoke with my boss yesterday and got the okay to bring in some extra help for a couple of weeks. I've still worked 25 hours in the past two days, but I feel like taking off Friday afternoon for the physical move won't be the end of the world. And moving Friday should help-I'll need to go to the office over the weekend, but I can use it to break up the unpacking. 

I'm still walking around a bit shell shocked about life right now, but today's the first day I haven't cried in a week. So that's something, I guess. I just really want to get this over with.

On the bright side, the kiddo is having a blast at school. Started classes yesterday and his college career has officially begun. It was nice to hear his voice last night. I sort of miss the kid. ❤


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

TooNice said:


> ...today's the first day I haven't cried in a week.


Oops...jumped the gun on that one I guess.  Geez, does this part suck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

TooNice said:


> Oops...jumped the gun on that one I guess.  Geez, does this part suck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Got to let it all out to get over it.... its part of the process


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

So, Wednesday night (two days before our scheduled moves), I received a FB message from someone I don't know. She informed me that my STBX was seeing someone and provided a few details to me. I thanked her and continued my packing with a new vigor. I posted a thread on here and got some great insight. Ultimately, I confronted him after we had gone to bed. The details were too good. He couldn't deny it.

I knew it. If nothing else, my gut was right. I just did not have a way to prove it. He also confessed when I asked if there had been anyone else, that there had been one other--before the one I knew about. As angry and as hurt as I am, at least I know our marriage has been doomed since then. If he wasn't honest enough to come clean when the affair I knew about came out, we never stood a chance.

I didn't really ask for much help moving...I was too overwhelmed. My friends rallied, though. They are beautiful. Between two of my friends (and the sons and hubby of one), my STBX and his brother, we quickly moved most everything to my new apartment. All of the guys left, and more women showed up. Boxes were emptied. Flowers appeared in every single room. As it started to get lateish, we all left at the same time- one took me shopping, and everyone else headed home. We came back and made my bed before she left me alone for my first night in my own place. 

Yesterday, I woke up and cleaned my bathroom and worked on unpacking. A friend's husband showed up to handle my to-do list. I went to my old apt to finish sorting a few things with stbx. Told him how crappy it is that while I can barely even breathe, his girlfriend must be so happy to have this finally happening. We talked. He made excuses. I rejected them. I think I made him feel bad, but was probably still too nice.

When I got home, a girlfriend picked me up to meet more friends for dinner and football. I almost felt normal and ok for a bit.

Today, another one spent all day shopping with me for stuff I need. I'm so grateful to have not done that alone. Another one had me swing by so she could feed me. I hadn't yet shared the new info with her, and cried in her backyard for two hours. 

I'm home now, having quiet time on my new balcony in the dusk. I will go inside soon and put away my new things. 

I will fight the urge to ask why this happened. I will fight the urge to wonder why I wasn't enough. I will remember that this stemmed from his issues and not mine. I will thank God or whatever higher power is out there that I am blessed beyond words to be surrounded by the women (and men) in my life that have taken such exquisite care of me in the past days and weeks. Words cannot do justice to the love and support I have felt during one of the two lowest times of my entire life. 

I feel really, really awful. Humiliated, used, and completely foolish. 

Yet so very, very blessed that I will be okay. While I know many dark days still lie ahead, with this much love in my life, I see no other outcome.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I forgot to mention my downstairs neighbor. He's here from out of state for a teaching contract at a local university this year. His wife is still back home, bit will be here off and on. I've met him a couple of times now, and he's a really nice guy. So, that's good. 

With all the good stuff I am trying to focus on, I am willing to take suggestions for how to stop walking around feeling like I am going to be sick. That part is starting to get to me.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

TooNice said:


> I'm just going to vent here. I know what is right, and I will not waver from that. BUT... H has not been "into" me in years. He doesn't compliment me, he doesn't flirt with me-he's just not at that place with me. It led to some behavior I am not proud of a few years ago, when I did have someone express interest in me. It felt so good to have someone tell me things that reinforced me feeling good about myself! I realized how much I was missing that. And if I have to be honest with myself, it is one of the things I am really missing in my marriage, and I know H can't provide for me. When he says I deserve to be happy, I know that is one of the things I deserve.
> 
> Having said that...It really sucks to go out with my friends and feel pretty great about myself overall... And know that I can't openly flirt and really let myself have fun (just fun-I'm not interested in being easy or anything!) for who knows how long. I have no idea right now when I will be divorced. It's just such a weird limbo place to be.
> 
> ...


Hi Too - I'm sorry for what you and your husband are going through. 

I just started reading your threads today and this one from March was curious. If you're comfortable could you expand slightly on your March post?



> BUT... H has not been "into" me in years. He doesn't compliment me, he doesn't flirt with me-he's just not at that place with me. It led to some behavior I am not proud of a few years ago, when I did have someone express interest in me. It felt so good to have someone tell me things that reinforced me feeling good about myself!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I had someone who was flirting opening with me electronically. It was someone I used to know IRL, but we live apart now. I resisted at first, but after a little while flirted back. Nothing physical ever took place, and I put a stop to it because I was uncomfortable. It was at a level that I'm sure many people would not have even considered to be a threat, but I didn't like what was happening. I just liked the attention. 

It gets really, really sad to not feel pretty or wanted by the man who is supposed to be your everything. Now I know why he didn't make me feel that way.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

It's a courageous thing to discuss. Thanks. Good luck to you.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm two weeks into my new place. I'm taking it one day at a time, but definitely still reeling. I spent three days at my clinic this week; finally telling my therapist about what happened, attending my second mindfulness group class, and a follow up with the psych today to assess the sleep meds he gave me. 

It's been good for me to have unbiased professionals give the feedback they have. Given the details I shared about the OW, they both told me that she's got serious issues. And the likelihood of their relationship lasting is not good. And today, the psychiatrist put down his pen when I was done talking. He leaned back in his chair and told me that I am a remarkably strong woman. He said to be in the state that I am in given all of the changes I am going through...all of the grief I am rolling in...that life holds more happiness for me than I can even imagine. It was nice to hear that from a person I've spoken to twice. 

So, every day is a new challenge to get through, but I am keeping busy and finding ways to try to not be quite so sad and angry and overwhelmed. I got my treadmill set up, and am working to get my running schedule back. I also have some prepaid yoga classes I need to start using. 

And most of all, I am trying to reconcile how to interact with him. Right now, it makes me physically ill when I speak to him. I am disgusted by him and what he did to me and to our family. And his deception-and his lame excuse that he was "protecting" me. It's such BS. The only person he was protecting was himself. Now that I'm not protected, I can see him for the coward and as- that he is. More than anything, THAT is what I am struggling with. I know that's going to take some time. 

I've got lots of that.


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## larky (Nov 27, 2009)

yes, been having dark thoghts because of my last days in my town house of 13 years. I will be alone for the first time in 14 years.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Larky, you will be just fine. There are hard days, but be sure to lean on every resource you have, and remind yourself that it WILL get better. 

Do all you can to take care of yourself-eat well, exercise if you can, do whatever you need to do for your mental health. You'll make it through.

I know the worst is not over for me, but I was alone again today, and it was actually a pretty decent day. It will get dark again, I am sure, but I know I have friends here and IRL I can turn to on those days. So do you.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Wow, it sure has been awhile since I have been posted here!

Let's see, my new place is amazing. I am so blessed to have found a place that I can feel as cozy and safe as I do here. It's definitely been a big part of my healing. 

I've been dating some, which has been a remarkable way for me to relearn some things about myself after 21 years with the same man. Dating online is so very strange in many ways, but my experiences with the men I have met in person have been good so far (knock on wood!). I'm not looking for my next husband...just figuring out what dating feels like again.

Court stuff is progressing. Against my ex's wishes, I retained an attorney. But my lawyer is reasonable, and willing to talk with us both while representing me. At the end of the day, our settlement may be very similar to what my ex is proposing, but I need someone to advocate for me. I have spent too many years letting him make financial decisions and agreeing with whatever he thinks is best. I cannot do that now. 

The holidays are proving to be very difficult-Thanksgiving was exhausting for me. I cried for hours the night before and the morning of. I spent the day with my dearest friend's family, and had a lovely time. I know Christmas will be harder. I also know that this is a transition year. It is still raw. And most of all, next year will be better. 

I always remind myself that it will be better.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Well, I sit in my empty apartment. I hugged my son extra tightly tonight when my ex picked him up. My ex will take him to the train station tomorrow for his trip back to campus.

My holiday season is officially done.

And I made it. It sucked at points. I did the whole sobbing on the kitchen floor scene. I'm still so very sad about feeling like I was cast out of the family traditions, but I survived. I made it.

And this week, we meet with my attorney to talk over the financial details. And maybe this will be done soon.

I feel a bit melancholy now, but hopefully 2015 can bring me all of that good fresh start stuff.

I sure hope so.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

Too nice, thank you for all your posts, I log onto tam occasionally now when I can't sleep and almost always find a post that I can relate to and helps me.. Divorce is incredibly hard, but just like your fortune cookie said, life is like a very narrow bridge, and we have to constantly maneuver and stay alert to keep moving forward. And I think sites like this help us to do that. I appreciate your honesty, accepting that there are bad days, but also knowing there will be good days, days where you are truly thankful for everything, and can see a beautiful future stretching out before you! Best wishes to you!


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## billy baru (Sep 23, 2014)

Too Nice, I think you're doing great! My situations similar to yet different from yours. I'm about 9 months after D Day, my WS chose to be with OM and abandoned everything and every one from her "old life" ( as we call it). 

Believe me, once you get past the pain of the betrayal, the lies, and everything else, life is so much better. My daughter has a year and a half of high school left, and then the possibilities of what I am going to be able to do with my life are astounding!! We didn't choose this future, Too Nice, but we can darn sure shape it into whatever we want. 

Keep doin' what you're doin'!!

BB


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Wow...thank you both for the kind words. Sometimes I come in here and type just for the sake of typing. It's always nice to have reassurance that not only am I not alone, but also to know that someone else can relate closely to where I am. 

Truly...thanks for that. 

Best wishes to you as well!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

The paperwork is done. Stbx and I just need to stop by the lawyer's office to sign. And there is a date.

It's only four weeks away. 

I have so many emotions right now.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It is a shift in life. Life was a certain way, you believed when you entered the marriage, it would last a lifetime. Also, this is an ending. Even though it did not work out, it had its good moments. You are mourning for the lost potential, and the memories of the good times. There is probably some relief as well, as there is finally a resolution to this whole thing. A lot of conflicting emotions really. Acceptance is harder than most people realize.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Mr. F., thank you for your post. Yes...it's all of of that. Exactly. 

I know it will be ok, but the transition is still tough for all of those reasons.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember reading your thread in the beginning and now I have just caught up on your journey. I thought at the time there was probably a "reason" you didn't know about for your husband wanting out but I said nothing because those of us who have been cheated on often see cheaters everywhere. Unfortunately, that is very often the case. I wish it were otherwise -- for all of us. 

You have come a long way -- with a tremendous amount of strength and determination and grace -- and should be very, very proud of yourself for all you've accomplished.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Yes it is tough. He has been part of your identity, your habits, and no matter how much he has hurt you, love takes time to fall out of. It is easier to fall in love than out of it. Your learning to be you again, and what does you entail now. Until you detach, your logica, and feelings are at odds. Eventually, the feelings do fade enough where your logical side and emotional side will line more together when it is concerning him. So, the conflict will only last as long as the feelings last. Plus, he is bringing his flaws into his new relationship. Whatever his issues are, his new partner will have to deal with it.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

The kindness in the words I read here means more than I can say. Thank you, all.

I have been on vacation this past week. My dearest friends moved to a warm state, so I left my cold snowy one to visit. They have had to work all week, so our evenings have been spent together. My days have been like today...relaxing in the sun next to the pool, a dog or two stretched out beside me.  

It has given me the time and space I needed to clear my head about a few things. I know that I am strong, but I needed to find a way to visualize that better, so I can access that reserve when I am with him. Our divorce is final in two weeks, and I want to be strong. I want to be brave. I want to be able to tell him no when he asks for something, and not give an emotional reason why. Just no. 

Strength is a funny thing...it's great while you are holding it securely, but it's scary to think that you might accidentally let go.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

TooNice said:


> The kindness in the words I read here means more than I can say. Thank you, all.
> 
> I have been on vacation this past week. My dearest friends moved to a warm state, so I left my cold snowy one to visit. They have had to work all week, so our evenings have been spent together. My days have been like today...relaxing in the sun next to the pool, a dog or two stretched out beside me.
> 
> ...



Your strength is yours until you give it up. Sometimes, we are half the problem. We make declarative statements that are not true, just said with the convictions of our feelings and how we feel at the moment. If we get out of our own way, we find that we are highly more adaptable than we give ourselves credit for. Power is lost only if we give it to someone else, or other concepts. If someone believes that only that person that they are with can make them happy, then they surrender their power to that idea. Instead, have the view, whether I am single or with someone, I will make my life fulfilling.

Also, you just ended a relationship, you had to learn to be you again and single. Next time, always keep a part of you independent, and create a fulfilling life outside of a relationship as well. Some of the things that define you as you, keep parts of that as yourself.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Great story. Going thru a divorce myself and the pain is unbearable sometimes. Reading your story gives me strength that one day, one fine day i will se the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for sharing.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Sigh. Nothing like two steps forward, one step back. 

I had to run some mail over to my ex's today. He said I could bring it whenever. I texted him to say I was coming, and he didn't answer. 

I got there, and HER car was parked outside. I left the mail in his box and left, but I lost it as I drove away. It was the first time I've been faced with. Knowing she was there, as opposed to just assuming it. I didn't expect it to hit me so hard, especially when I've made such good strides. 

It's just so unfair that I'm the one who has to start over. :-( 

Sorry...just need to vent.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He is unknowingly bringing his baggage into this relationship. How often does a rebound relationship last. Anyways, you have to learn that his life is his to live, and you have to let go and whatever happens, happens. You still have an attachment to him, and that will take time to fade, but once you start really living your life for yourself, have your own friends, start making yourself a priority, you eventually will think of him less and less. Life is not always fair, but we can improve our odds for success if we invest in ourselves.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> He is unknowingly bringing his baggage into this relationship. How often does a rebound relationship last. Anyways, you have to learn that his life is his to live, and you have to let go and whatever happens, happens. You still have an attachment to him, and that will take time to fade, but once you start really living your life for yourself, have your own friends, start making yourself a priority, you eventually will think of him less and less. Life is not always fair, but we can improve our odds for success if we invest in ourselves.


You are right about all of this, of course. I am overall, in a very good place. I have amazing friends, I am independent and strong. I know this. I'm just struck by the crappiness of it sometimes. And the nagging little fear of wondering, "what if his family _likesher"? Or worse, what if my kids do??

I know it's unrealistic, but sometimes I just want him to understand how horrible what he did to me was._


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

We are our own enemy at times. Learning to deal with physical and emotional abuse since age 5, and at age 15, I had the epiphany that you can only adapt to what your circumstances are. The abuse I got was so bad that I tried committing suicide at age 10-11ish. Even though I never asked to be treated that way, it became something that I had to overcome. I allowed the way someone else treated me to take away my self worth. I chose to give it up. Being a child, I believed the horrible things that was said and enacted upon me.

You never asked for those issues, but life has handed to you it anyways. He may or may not feel remorse one day for the pain he caused, but it doesn't matter since he will not be much of a part of your life. Even though it is hard, don't focus on the things that you have no influence over. You want him to feel pain, you want him to feel the loss, and it is a reason why you have a hard time letting go. We are taught that life should be fair, and it is hard to deal with the reality when it is not.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

This is going to be part update...part vent. 

I posted elsewhere on the site that my divorce was finalized on February 20th. It was very quick and efficient and I was very strong and brave - just like I wanted to be. I spent that weekend feeling a bit shell shocked. Odd, since my life had not really changed in terms of my day to day routine. I simply have a piece of paper that says I am single now. That feeling has worn off some, and I am starting to settle into the routine of my life alone. 

We do have some financial stuff that we've been needing to settle. Aside from the court system/payroll system delays of getting payments started, we had some other things to address. (Including the cost of the lawyer that I know he did not want me to get.) He sent a list; I clarified a few things. I finally got a response from him today and was disappointed in my reaction. I fear until we are done sharing any expenses with our son, I will get this sick feeling every single time we have to discuss money. It's the same feeling I got when we talked about finances when we were married. But I think it's intensified because I have learned what it feels like to NOT have that feeling. He was always so stressed about money, and projected that onto me. Now, I don't walk around feeling that way, so it feels more profound when it happens. I'm sure it will wear off, and we will settle into a routine until our son is done with college. In the meantime though...it's just...unpleasant. 

In my defense, I have resisted the urge to remind him how much cheaper marriage counseling would have been. :angel3:

In other news, I have been dating and enjoyed a few pleasant nights out. Hoping that with summer coming, it will bring out more opportunities for that part of my life to stay busy. I feel like I am mentally healthy in that regard. I expect the grief of losing my family (and his family) will still take some time to subside. 

Overall, I feel I am doing well. My therapist even told me at my last appointment how proud she is of how far I have come. She told me I am in a much better place than when I started seeing her. 

I feel it, too...even if I feel like I'm still moving in.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I need to add to this that he replied to our conversation and the whole exchange today has just left me feeling sad. I just wish he had some inkling of how I feel. How despite all of my friends and the good things I know I have, I still feel profoundly alone. I wish he could feel what that feels like for me.

At least it's been awhile since I've had one of these days. Silver lining, right?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your going through a seismic change, and it will take time to adjust. It is hard being the one who is being left. It may be a bad day for you, but keep making goals and positive changes in your life. Continue working out, and keep letting that attachment to him fade. Life is not always fair, and it is really about how we adapt to the circumstances that has been presented before us. I know what it is like to be lonely. I spent most of my childhood alone. My father was an abusive alcoholic, and my mother operated on egg shells and was not there much for me. I had brothers and sisters, but we were not close. We moved around a lot. I went through 5 different elementary schools, two different middle schools, and two different high schools. When I was a child in the hospital, I remember a kind and loving nurse. She was one of the few people in my childhood, and was probably the first that I was able to open emotionally to. I remember crying the day I left the hospital, because that nurse was one of the few connections I had made as a child. I understand the lonliness that your going through, and I know it is hard. When you are ready, you will find those connections to form. The better improvements you make in yourself, the more you will not settle for less. Also, learning about having a continual open communication relationship will keep that intimacy alive.

It really is one small step at a time. Do not worry about making mistakes, it is usually the best teacher in life.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Plugging along through life, and feel the need to post some recent thoughts in my little thread.

My son has been home for the summer (from college), which has been lovely. He has spent much of his time at my house, for a variety of reasons. It has spoiled me.  My ex recently moved into a new place, and it sounds like it is nice. I know his girlfriend (the long-time OW) is with him most of the time. She spends time with my kids, and with my ex's family. That's still very difficult for me, but I am working on it. My ex has done quite a bit this summer to make me wonder how I could have been so completely blind to his deceit for so long. He is not a nice person. Kind, decent people do not treat others the way he has treated me all these years. But I am working on getting through that, too. I am over most of my feelings, but still digging through the anger of being removed from my life. Our family and joint friends... all still there... except SHE is there now and I am not. No major life changes for my ex, with the exception that he is finally free of me. And I start over. I know I am better off, and things will one day be more amazing than I can know. Still a tough transition, though.

I have had some recent realizations about dating, as well. I've had some fun, and have few regrets. I'm very choosy about who I give my time to, and I am not sorry about that. I settled for more than 20 years, and I won't do that again. I had been thinking that I may be ready for something a little more consistent (maybe serious, maybe not...?). I have two very good options right now. One is not quite ready, and I don't think he would try to make anything serious until he takes care of a couple of things he needs to do. I respect that and appreciate it. The other is a friend from long, long ago. I had no idea that he has always thought of me fondly. We lost touch for many years, and have been connected via social media for a few years. It was at the start of the summer that we saw each other again - as friends. And had our first date a few weeks ago. On our 4th date, we had some very real conversations. For the first time, I have relationship potential staring me in the face. And I am terrified. 

I realize that I am not nearly ready. Not even a little. I have a million things to sort through, and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know if I am ready to stop having fun. I like meeting different men. While I long for the good parts that come with an exclusive relationship, I don't think I am ready for the parts that take work. I don't think I have what it takes to do the giving part yet. And for men who have young children... I don't know what to do with that. My ex's daughter has hurt me very, very deeply in her treatment of me (or lack thereof). She has been more than happy to walk away from me in the divorce after 21 years of being in her life. And I have no idea why. (Whatever it is, it is much deeper than loyalty to her dad. Something else happened along the years, and I have no idea what.) It adds a layer to serious dating that I did not anticipate, but thinking of being with my old friend has made me realize that I need to spend time on this. 

But all of this brings me back full circle to the anger with my ex. That I am dealing with all of this and more, while he has his new little family with the OW and her young son. He gets to do family stuff with them and with our children and my inlaws, and I will be rebuilding for years to come. I know that the odds are against it lasting for him, but that brings me little comfort right now. Right now, he is happy and has a life that I need to work for and to fight for. 

I will do it, and I will be better. Part of that is coming here and journaling it out a little bit. And heading back to therapy again. Just wish it were easier some days.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> Plugging along through life, and feel the need to post some recent thoughts in my little thread.
> 
> My son has been home for the summer (from college), which has been lovely. He has spent much of his time at my house, for a variety of reasons. It has spoiled me.  My ex recently moved into a new place, and it sounds like it is nice. I know his girlfriend (the long-time OW) is with him most of the time. She spends time with my kids, and with my ex's family. That's still very difficult for me, but I am working on it. My ex has done quite a bit this summer to make me wonder how I could have been so completely blind to his deceit for so long. He is not a nice person. Kind, decent people do not treat others the way he has treated me all these years. But I am working on getting through that, too. I am over most of my feelings, but still digging through the anger of being removed from my life. Our family and joint friends... all still there... except SHE is there now and I am not. No major life changes for my ex, with the exception that he is finally free of me. And I start over. I know I am better off, and things will one day be more amazing than I can know. Still a tough transition, though.
> 
> ...


Too Nice - I just read your entire thread. I'm sorry you are in this place. You seem like a terrific lady.

Take this for what it is worth. I have been around the block a time or two and I have been the friend and ad hoc counselor to many...

You are still processing the death of your marriage. You are still in the anger phase. That's OK. You must feel anger in order to heal. I don't know what the bargaining phase will look like for you but eventually you will come to the blessed state of acceptance.

You have said it yourself... You have no business in any long term relationship. There is a truism that for every year of the marriage one should add a month for every year for self healing and reflection following divorce. You are only five months removed from divorce. Any LTR at this point is certain to be a rebound that could lead to more pain for you. Date yes. Relationship no. Explain it that way to these men. If they are good thinking adults they will understand.

The chance your ex husband's relationship will survive is slim. Statistics indicate that a relationship birthed out of infidelity will not survive. The chances are very remote. I have been around for six decades and I have never seen such a relationship/marriage survive. Never. You should find no joy in this. You need to work yourself to a place of indifference. At that point you will be healed.

I have some ideas about your stepdaughter but I will only post those if you ask or in a pm.

Good luck to you. You are still young and have a bright future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thank you, Absurdist. I will always welcome insight from others - especially those who have wisdom from experiences. 

The biggest hang up I feel I have now is his relationship. While I hope for the end of it, it is not because I wish either of them ill. It is because I want us to be a family again, under our new definition of what that is. I want us to be able to be at family events and the occasional holiday together, but I will not be in the same room with her if I can help it. I am a very kind person, but she will never see kindness from me. And I don't want the people I love to see me treat someone like that. I know we will be there one day, but I feel stuck while she is in the picture. You are right. I need to find a place of indifference. That is what I need to work on.

I welcome thoughts about my SD, too. Whether it is here or in a PM. Even my son does not understand it. And give the strong independent young women she is, I am bewildered that she can be so cold to my situation. Family and friends do not understand... she has simply shut me out. 

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I know it is like many others here, but it is mine... and I am trying my best to add good chapters as I go along.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

How are you today Too Nice? You mentioned that you were in to yoga. Have you started again? I think it would be good for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Hi there, and thank you for checking in. I'm alright. I am in my busiest time of the year at work right now, so I've been moving too fast to notice much. My son heads back to college tomorrow, too. I will miss him, but it will help not having to interact with my ex as much. I haven't been doing yoga, but I have been carving out time to run this week. I am running my first half marathon in just over a week. I am nowhere close to being as prepared as I would like, but I signed up for it as a training run, with another half scheduled the end of next month. 

Life will slow down in about six more weeks, but it will be a bumpy ride until then!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I completed my 1/2 marathon yesterday! Wow... what a feeling of accomplishment. My pace is still very slow, but my goal was to finish in three hours, and I came in 6.5 minutes shy of that!


I did a great deal of thinking after the race yesterday. I started running some while I was still married (and before I knew the marriage was over). I decided to run a half after I moved out, and enjoyed having the goal to work toward. I am not certain it is something I would have done while still with my ex, and it felt really, really good. 

I also had a wonderful and long phone call with my son today. I miss him, but he loves his college, and is thrilled to be back with his friends. Makes it easier to have him away from me. 

Work is still insane, but it's almost a relief to have my son back at school. I don't really have reason to communicate with my ex now, and I feel like I can settle back into my solo life. I have some relationship/dating issues that I am starting to identify now, so I suppose that is the next step in healing and moving on. 

I also have another 1/2 marathon in one month, so as soon as I recover from yesterday, I need to keep up on my training for that. 

All in all... not bad.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tough thing to go through. 

I admire you.

I wish you the best in the future.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> I completed my 1/2 marathon yesterday! Wow... what a feeling of accomplishment. My pace is still very slow, but my goal was to finish in three hours, and I came in 6.5 minutes shy of that!
> 
> 
> I did a great deal of thinking after the race yesterday. I started running some while I was still married (and before I knew the marriage was over). I decided to run a half after I moved out, and enjoyed having the goal to work toward. I am not certain it is something I would have done while still with my ex, and it felt really, really good.
> ...



Congrats TooNice! I did my first 13.1 nine years ago. Oy vay. MrsAbsurdist had to take me home in a wheelbarrow. I hurt from the top of my head to my toes. :smile2:

You are doing well. We are all very proud of you.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Gentle bump for Too Nice to see how she's doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> Gentle bump for Too Nice to see how she's doing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are too kind, Absurdist. 

I am doing well. Work is still insane, but will hopefully level out soon. Been running more this week. Feels amazing to have 4 miles be the norm for a run for me. My next 1/2 marathon is on Saturday. I am looking forward to spending the winter training with my new running friends and completely kicking tail come next summer.  

Running has been amazing for me over the past 1.5 years, for more reasons than I can say. Work has put it on the back burner for a couple of months, but I am happy to be making it a priority again.

Thanks for checking in on me.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I recently celebrated a birthday - my second since moving out on my own; my first as a divorced woman. 

It's made me sit back and take a look at the last 12 months. 

I have been surprised at some of the things people have been saying to me in recent months. People I have not seen in ages will see me, we will talk and catch up. I'll tell them about the divorce, they will say how sorry they are. Then they will say that despite the divorce, I MUST be doing well. They inevitably make some comment about how I look. I am not a woman who takes compliments well, but I am trying to learn. It makes me wonder how I must have looked while I was married, that it is such a change for me now.  I have had people tell me that I am radiating, that I just look so happy. 

I am blessed. Truly, truly blessed. I have people in my life; some long-term, some I have only recently met, who have made me take inventory and simply be grateful. People who push me to be better. A better person. A healthier person. A happier woman. 

While I still miss my family unit, I am realizing more and more that my ex-husband's indiscretions may just be the best thing that ever happened to me. 

Who knew?


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> I recently celebrated a birthday - my second since moving out on my own; my first as a divorced woman.
> 
> It's made me sit back and take a look at the last 12 months.
> 
> ...



It's all those 13.1s you're doing. It makes for a new and better you. 

Unfortunately if I tried a half today I'd be in ICU... or a priest would be giving me the last rites.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> It's all those 13.1s you're doing. It makes for a new and better you.
> 
> Unfortunately if I tried a half today I'd be in ICU... or a priest would be giving me the last rites.


Lol - I do think running has had an impact on my physical appearance in ways I did not expect. I am definitely healthier than I have ever been at any point in my life - even in my teens. But I also credit the people around me. I really am blessed with remarkable relationships. I get to spend time with people who make my heart feel full. How can I devote much time to feeling sorry for myself when I get to say that?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

The arrival of the holiday season this year has me in a far better place so far than I was in last year. I was able to choose among four different invitations for Thanksgiving, and would have been happy to spend time at all of them. My best friend's son (who lives near me but far from his parents), is spending the day with me later today and I just learned that he also had a number of invites. He chose to hang out with me. Love that. I am looking forward to a day with dear friends who have been there through thick and thin, relaxing, laughing and simply enjoying one another. 

My son is home and has already chosen to spend some really wonderful time with me. He's with his dad today, but we still have the rest of the weekend, and my heart is already full. 

For Christmas, I am simply leaving town this year. No Lifetime movie channel scenes of me bawling on the kitchen floor. Instead, my son and I are visiting my BFFs in their warm weather state, and he will head back here to spend Christmas with his dad. I will stay there, again, surrounded by love and the comfort of old friends. 

To all of my TAM friends, I wish you a day of peace and contentment. Whether you are in a place that has you gathering with loved ones, or it's a regular day for you. Despite our life's battles, we all have much to be thankful for, and I include all of you on my own gratitude list!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Oh boy. 

Overall, I am happy with where I am right now. It would be easier, perhaps, if I were one of those people with a close family. Siblings to lean on, parents to help, etc. But that's not my situation and I've grown to be ok with it.

I am facing a bit of a medical issue, and I have to admit that I am scared. I wish I had someone to hold my hand and wrap me up and tell me everything will be ok. Someone to go to the doctor with me, help me research, and to simply be there. 

No matter what happens, I know it will be ok. And I know it could be worse than it is. But it doesn't make it less scary-especially by myself.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

TooNice, I do know how you feel. I had to face a medical issue after my D and it was the only time I thought, gee it would be nice to have a partner help me through this. Then I thought about the partner I chose, and slapped myself upside the head.

You WILL be ok. Honey, we can handle anything, I promise.

But still, (((hugs)))


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> TooNice, I do know how you feel. I had to face a medical issue after my D and it was the only time I thought, gee it would be nice to have a partner help me through this. Then I thought about the partner I chose, and slapped myself upside the head.
> 
> You WILL be ok. Honey, we can handle anything, I promise.
> 
> But still, (((hugs)))


Thank you. Every so often, it sucks to be alone. Most of the time I actually enjoy it, but times like this, not so much. 

Thanks for helping me feel less alone.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> Thank you. Every so often, it sucks to be alone. Most of the time I actually enjoy it, but times like this, not so much.
> 
> Thanks for helping me feel less alone.


Prayers headed your way. Keep posting TN. Let us know how you are doing. You have a lot of unknown named friends cheering for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thank you, Absurdist.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

How are you doing today, TooNice? Just wanted to check in.

Still sending (((hugs))) cause one is never enough.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> How are you doing today, TooNice? Just wanted to check in.
> 
> Still sending (((hugs))) cause one is never enough.


I'm a little better today, thanks. Still have to figure some things out, but I'm feeling a little less overwhelmed today. I'll take one day at a time and control what I can. Just needed a day to feel sorry for myself and to count my many blessings. This will be fine.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

TooNice, I'm so sorry to hear of your medical issue. I will certainly be sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Try and keep your head up and stay positive, just like anything the mind works wonders if you can find the positive in every day even if it is minimal. Keep us all posted...BIG BIG hugs to you!!!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

MrPack said:


> TooNice, I'm so sorry to hear of your medical issue. I will certainly be sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Try and keep your head up and stay positive, just like anything the mind works wonders if you can find the positive in every day even if it is minimal. Keep us all posted...BIG BIG hugs to you!!!


Thank you! I am feeling the hugs and positive energy from all of you, and it means a great deal.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Bumping you up TooNice.
How's it going?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

You're sweet, Pluto, thanks. I'm better. I have to see a specialist to figure out what our game plan will be, and I already had an appointment scheduled with her for February. She moved that up as much as she could, but I still won't see her until mid January. I am using the time to focus my energy on aspects of my health that I can control: drinking less, sleeping more, focusing my fitness routine, and continuing to train for a half marathon I am doing in January. I am researching also, doing all I can to be a good self-advocate in this. I'm a bit of a medical anomaly (oh, joy...), so hopefully we will find an answer together. 

Not much else I can do until I see the doc, so I am making a choice to be positive and not obsess over it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Excellent pro-active strategy.

And at such a tough time of year to drink less, sleep more, and get in exercise. We should all follow your example. No running for me (old injury, blah blah blah), but a few more Pilates classes sure couldn't hurt.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Excellent pro-active strategy.
> 
> I wouldn't expect anything less from Too Nice.
> 
> And at such a tough time of year to *drink less*, *sleep more*, and *get in exercise*. We should all follow your example. No running for me (old injury, blah blah blah), but a few more Pilates classes sure couldn't hurt.


I don't drink less, I drink more... good old bottled water and sometimes, prune juice. 

I can't run anymore, my knees have surrendered. Waived the white flag. It's swimming and Cybex machines for me now.

Sleep.... I could write pages about sleep. The medication I take really knocks me out at night. Here is a typical morning interaction with my wife:

Me snoring like a baby.

Wife approaches me lovingly. Rubs her fingers though my hair. Comes close to my face and says "Honey"...

GET UP YOU NIMROD. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? RIP VAN WINKLE!?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Time on vacation is making me think it's time for a post here. The holidays were good this year. Still not great, but much better than last year. My adult son and I went out of state to spend time with dear friends. He went back to spend Christmas with his dad,but I stayed with our friends. It was still hard to know that my ex's family was celebrating without me... And with the OW... But I did ok. When I got back home, I had some great time with my son before he headed back to college. 

I'm back on vacation already, again with my dear friends. I had a great talk with my bestie last night and am ready to make some changes. 

Since I became single, I have felt I wanted to be an active dater. I've learned a lot about myself via my online dating experiences, but I've realized a few things lately...and some of them are pretty raw for me to admit:
-Society has a tendency to make newly single women feel like we should embrace the freedom of being single. What this is defined as is open for interpretation, but the overall feeling I have gotten is not one of independence, but of sexual freedom. I think it's great if women embrace this, but only if it is because they want to. Not because everyone around them is encouraging them to. 
-Online dating has supporting the above statement. Most of my in-person experiences were merely seeing if there was a spark that would lead to more. Quickly. 
-Online dating can be a bit addicting. The addictive property of it encourages the mindset that there is always something better out there, and results in a lack of focus on who you are with at the moment. 

None of this is healthy for me where I am in life now. 

Today, I have deleted (not deactivated) the dating sites/apps I had been using. I am no longer going to wonder when I am out whether a man who smiles at me is single. I wish to live in blissful single oblivion for a time. I hope this reset will help me to discover more about who I am. If the universe decides I am ready for someone, I will be ready, but karma will have to make it obvious for me.  

I do have a couple of men I still talk to, and will engage in conversation and even dates, if they should ask. But I am backing off from being an active searcher in that aspect of my life. 

We'll see how this goes, but I feel much better about where I am headed.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

TooNice, I applaud your approach. I find myself often torn between finding that space in the world where I feel comfortable, and believing I should step out on the ledge of life a bit more.

My kids tell me to get out there more. MEH. I'm finding that a certain level of comfort can be the space where we can rejuvenate. Its almost like I didn't realize how uncomfortable I had been for so long. 

(and exactly how much vacation do you get? Mine has gone by the wayside)


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> TooNice, I applaud your approach. I find myself often torn between finding that space in the world where I feel comfortable, and believing I should step out on the ledge of life a bit more.
> 
> My kids tell me to get out there more. MEH. I'm finding that a certain level of comfort can be the space where we can rejuvenate. Its almost like I didn't realize how uncomfortable I had been for so long.
> 
> (and exactly how much vacation do you get? Mine has gone by the wayside)


Thanks, Pluto. The part where you said you didn't realize how uncomfortable you had been... that really speaks to me, on several planes. 

I guess I felt like I had to find someone, especially since my ex got to bring his relationship into the open. It's silly that we do that. But now I know I WANT to find someone, which is different. I feel like it's a precarious balance to try to find. I just need to figure out how to walk the path of being single, rather than running the track-lol!

I get several weeks of vacation, but managed to take my time over Christmas by only using a few vacation days. This time, I'm here to run a half marathon with my friends. Airfare was cheaper if I used a few extra days.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> Thanks, Pluto. The part where you said you didn't realize how uncomfortable you had been... that really speaks to me, on several planes.
> 
> I guess I felt like I had to find someone, especially since my ex got to bring his relationship into the open. It's silly that we do that. But now I know I WANT to find someone, which is different. I feel like it's a precarious balance to try to find. I just need to figure out how to walk the path of being single, rather than running the track-lol!
> 
> I get several weeks of vacation, but managed to take my time over Christmas by only using a few vacation days. This time, I'm here to run a half marathon with my friends. Airfare was cheaper if I used a few extra days.


Too Nice... Pluto .... Both of you are remarkable women.

That is all...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

What he said ^^^^


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks for the sweet words.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Happy anniversary to me. 

That's appropriate, right? 

I have officially been divorced for one year. That seems so surreal to me. So much has happened
in these last 12... no, 18 months (since we parted ways). 

I feel like I am such a different person now - so much more at peace and comfortable with my life. Not living on edge all the time that I said the "wrong" thing, or being overwhelmed by the responsibility of our home and family. I don't miss him. I don't miss the way he treated me. I don't miss the person I was with him. I never knew how dark it was until I got into my own light. 

I have a dinner date picking me up in about 10 minutes. I've been seeing him for about six weeks now. We have many reasons why we know we cannot be a long term relationship, but I like him. He's honest and sweet and I like being with him. We haven't seen each other for a week, so I am looking forward to a nice evening of catching up. It's a nice way to spend this night.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> Happy anniversary to me.
> 
> That's appropriate, right?
> 
> ...


I'd bet a case of Spotted Cow that there's a whole bunch of guys wanting to take Too Nice out to dinner 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> I'd bet a case of Spotted Cow that there's a whole bunch of guys wanting to take Too Nice out to dinner
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish I could say you are right, Absurdist. Trying to patiently let the universe sort that out for me.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> I wish I could say you are right, Absurdist. Trying to patiently let the universe sort that out for me.


Well, you need to say I'm right because I am. TooNice you sell yourself short. If some young guy thinks you're worth it, you're worth it. The right guy is out there. He just hasn't figured it out yet.

You do know that men are kinda dumb... right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> Well, you need to say I'm right because I am. TooNice you sell yourself short. If some young guy thinks you're worth it, you're worth it. The right guy is out there. He just hasn't figured it out yet.
> 
> You do know that men are kinda dumb... right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Haha - no offense, but yes - that can be true. But I am also a tad impatient, and I know these things can't be rushed. I can't find him and make him figure it out, and I'm tired of sorting through the garbage to try to find a jewel. So, I place my dating life in the hands of the fates while I try to figure out the men I do have in my life at the moment. (Which is exhausting in and of itself.)

Allow me to offer my apologies. You have caught me on a particularly vexing night in this arena! But I thank you for your kind words. I do know I am worth it, which is part of the problem. It may have made me a bit finicky. :wink2:


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Ugh. It's a very stressful week for me work wise, so timing for this doesn't help my mood. I recently learned that Ex and the OW are taking a trip. One he always wanted to go on, that I would have loved to go with. We only traveled a couple of times during our marriage, mostly citing money as the reason. I can see now that he simply did not want to go with me. It's one of those times that I'm more angry that it's bothering me than I am that it's happening. I don't care what he does. I don't miss him, and I certainly don't want him back. 

So, why does this sting so badly? 

Grrrr.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> Ugh. It's a very stressful week for me work wise, so timing for this doesn't help my mood. I recently learned that Ex and the OW are taking a trip. One he always wanted to go on, that I would have loved to go with. We only traveled a couple of times during our marriage, mostly citing money as the reason. I can see now that he simply did not want to go with me. It's one of those times that I'm more angry that it's bothering me than I am that it's happening. I don't care what he does. I don't miss him, and I certainly don't want him back.
> 
> So, why does this sting so badly?
> 
> Grrrr.


Well, like my Albert Camus username, life is absurd at times.

Even though it has been a year or so Too Nice, your wound is still fresh. When you poke at the wound it still hurts.

There will come a day when your Ex and his rotten honeydew melon go to Paris, Timbktu or the city dump and you won't care. That day hasn't come yet for you but it will. Someday.

And yes... It's unfair, unjust and flat out sucks.

But someday some lucky guy will take you to St. Tropeiz and you will wonder why you wasted one brain cell thinking about this stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> Well, like my Albert Camus username, life is absurd at times.
> 
> Even though it has been a year or so Too Nice, your wound is still fresh. When you poke at the wound it still hurts.
> 
> ...


You are a gem, my friend. Thank you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

TooNice, you can ponder over the shortcomings HE thinks you possess. OR F*** it, No. You are a fabulous person. The biggest error your ex ever made was failing to see it. Your future travels will be filled with joy and wide-eyed adventure.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> TooNice, you can ponder over the shortcomings HE thinks you possess. OR F*** it, No. You are a fabulous person. The biggest error your ex ever made was failing to see it. Your future travels will be filled with joy and wide-eyed adventure.



Thanks, hun. I do know those things. Today is a new day. 

One I am starting with icepacks and cucumber slices on my eyes, but a new day. 




~Just breathe.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

For what it's worth you are a wonderful person who has helped me tremendously through my crap. Coming from someone who also still has an "open wound" take it one day at a time and try to hold on to all the positives you have in life. Your EX doesn't deserve you nor does he deserve to make you feel bad. Effff him! You are awesome!

It sort of reminds me of how my STBXW always used the excuse of studying to never do anything fun or spend much time with me. Up until a couple weeks ago when I was still following her on FB she seems to be out having a good time a lot these days. Not studying all day and night like she did when we were together. But I keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter anymore. I cant control any of that so I try really really hard to let it go.

I hope you continue to do well, and that these speed bumps start to disappear.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

It never ceases to amaze me how the kindness of people we have never met have contribute to turning a day around. 

Thank you... today is much better. I still have my cold, but my outlook is definitely better, and the support from folks here has definitely helped that. 

I appreciate you!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Wow... Just got a message from the current wife of the OW's ex. My ex and the OW want to move in together, which means moving the OW's son away from his dad. She wanted to know if they have to be worried about anything with my ex's parenting. 

Sigh. These people are too much. They truly don't care how many lives they trample in pursuit of their happiness. 

So sad.

So narcissistic.


~Just breathe.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

No surprising, but still disappointing. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> No surprising, but still disappointing.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Indeed. I haven't mentioned this to the current wife, but it's especially disappointing because my ex and I went through the same thing when my stepdaughter's mom moved her out of state. So compassionate of my ex to put another man through the turmoil he went through then.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

TooNice
This is all new to me..just started the process about 9 weeks ago. But I can commiserate with you about how these people just stop thinking about other peoples feelings and become so self centered. Its like they don't care about the wake of destruction they leave as they pursue whatever they feel is going to make them happy. So selfish...so narcissistic. I hate them for it.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

anewstine said:


> TooNice
> 
> This is all new to me..just started the process about 9 weeks ago. But I can commiserate with you about how these people just stop thinking about other peoples feelings and become so self centered. Its like they don't care about the wake of destruction they leave as they pursue whatever they feel is going to make them happy. So selfish...so narcissistic. I hate them for it.




I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you have found us. There are some truly wonderful people on this site. And dealing with narcissistic behavior is something many of us share. Like many others, I never saw it during my marriage, but the signs are so clear to me now. And in my case, now that my ex is no longer maintaining the charade of our marriage and family, his true face is really showing. 

I have one piece of advice for you. If you're not already seeking therapy, please do. The hate is a powerful thing. Get a handle on it so they don't have power. You'll heal faster, I promise. 

Welcome to our little corner of the web.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you have found us. There are some truly wonderful people on this site. And dealing with narcissistic behavior is something many of us share. Like many others, I never saw it during my marriage, but the signs are so clear to me now. And in my case, now that my ex is no longer maintaining the charade of our marriage and family, his true face is really showing.
> 
> I have one piece of advice for you. If you're not already seeking therapy, please do. The hate is a powerful thing. Get a handle on it so they don't have power. You'll heal faster, I promise.
> 
> Welcome to our little corner of the web.


Wow Too Nice. I thought your ex was already living with the OW. I thought she had moved in with him a long time ago.

Soooo..... now the fun begins. They've been all giggles and rainbows up to this point.

And now...

She gets to wash his dirty Hanes. Pick up his muddy shoes. Get PO'd when he leaves the toilet seat up.

He gets to pay her bills, go ballistic when she fvcks up the check book or buys too much shyt at the local department store.

You see, your ex is about to get a dose of real life. Plus he gets to raise her kid half the time and listen to his snotty comments that he's not Dad. And he has to postpone the nice trip because the kid is there.

And Too Nice can sit back all detached and watch all this happen.:wink2:


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> Wow Too Nice. I thought your ex was already living with the OW. I thought she had moved in with him a long time ago.
> 
> Soooo..... now the fun begins. They've been all giggles and rainbows up to this point.
> 
> ...


As far as I have seen, they practically live together when possible. She lives nearly an hour and a half away, though. Which was a real kick in the head when I found out about them. The amount of miles that man traveled...

Anyway, I'm sure in his head, this is still an acceptable waiting period for people to think he's done nothing wrong. We were physically separated for nine months before he started bringing her around to family. Now we have been legally divorced for over a year, so that's an acceptable period of time, right? 

My son will be home this summer, and my stepdaughter and her fiancé will also be living in our town. Strangely, my strong willed feminist SD seems to have no problem with her dad's behavior, but I get the impression my (also feminist) son is not comfortable with his dad and the GF. It's going to be interesting to see how things play out. I'm debating whether I should bring up the living arrangements to my son, but I should probably leave it alone. He knows I'm here for him, and that's all I need. I will just continue to build my relationship with him as much as I can. The inclusion of this woman's son, though... it's a whole new element. That he will have a bedroom at my ex's house... and that he will lose time with his own father so his mom can shack up with my ex. 

It's all just so... icky. 

And I hate to say this, but I sure hope you are right, Absurdist. I am not a girl who takes pleasure in such things, but I wouldn't mind seeing your story play out.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> I'm debating whether I should bring up the living arrangements to my son, but I should probably leave it alone.


No debate here. You leave it alone. Your son is a perceptive college student. Let him bring it up to you if he needs to talk. If he does, tell him exactly what you think. If he doesn't, well... Just don't go down that road. It's a dead end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> No debate here. You leave it alone. Your son is a perceptive college student. Let him bring it up to you if he needs to talk. If he does, tell him exactly what you think. If he doesn't, well... Just don't go down that road. It's a dead end.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for this. You are right. I really just want to know that he's ok... and that he knows he can talk to me. And I don't trust his dad to be there for him and handle this the way he should. But you're right. He's an adult and very perceptive. I'll just keep being his mom.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm torn between keeping this quiet in case it doesn't happen, and posting just so I can get it out. Since this is my thread, and it's about me, I will choose the latter. 

I have been adamant since moving out that I like renting my apartment. I don't want the responsibility of owning a home, something my ex and I didn't even have for the last 15 years. (We owned right after we got married, for about 5 years.) A few days ago, my landlord called me to let me know that he is planning to list the duplex I live in. But he listed me as an exception to the rental contract, giving me 30 days to purchase at a discount without the realtor fee. Fast forward to today, and wheels are in motion. 

I hesitate to say anything at all, since I still may not pull off the financing. So fresh out from my divorce, I have no savings at all. I have access to some retirement funds, but it will give me a fraction of a standard down payment. I am working with a banker who has me cautiously optimistic. He's been running numbers, and I meet in person with him Friday morning with all of my financial documents and a vial of freshly drawn blood. (kidding.)

If I can make this work, I think it will be a really amazing financial investment for me. I love my place, and it is a sound rental property in a cute little neighborhood. It's had the same owner for over 20 years, and he's taken great care of it. I never dreamed I would be even considering something like this, but if it comes through, it will be kind of amazing for me. 

A couple of my friends and close coworkers know, but that's about it. I'm trying hard not to get my hopes up too much, but I'm finding myself kind of falling in love with the idea of being a homeowner!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Here is to hoping it will work for you!

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Stuff you need to consider:

You're now paying taxes on the place. Insurance too. Who mows the grass? Keeps up with the landscaping? Responsible for the maintenance? Shovels the snow? I think that would be you. You up for that?

Too Nice I have no clue what interest rates will do during this screwy presidential election. They could go even lower.

What are the prospects of keeping the other side of the duplex rented? (Maybe you could rent it to MrPack since he's now flush with cash... you cheese heads need to keep together ... I would be jealous of course 😄).

How about the current owner Too Nice? Might he consider owner financing?

If you can clear all these hurdles... Real estate is still the best investment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> Stuff you need to consider:
> 
> You're now paying taxes on the place. Insurance too. Who mows the grass? Keeps up with the landscaping? Responsible for the maintenance? Shovels the snow? I think that would be you. You up for that?
> 
> ...


All great points, Absurdist! (And I had an inkling you may bring some good advice to the table!)

Taxes aren't too bad. The rent income from the lower unit should cover the mortgage, and my intent is to continue to pay my same rent to myself, if not more. I have no desire to do yardwork, which is why I rent. I would likely hire a service or knock some money off the other unit to handle that. 

The interest rate I am looking at is pretty good considering my small down payment, and after a year I can refinance. I should get some instant equity in the property if this plays out right, so I could be in an even better place with the mortgage after the first year. 

It's a nice place, so I am comfortable that I can keep it rented, and I am sure the current owner would help me find the first tenant. (Neighbors happen to be moving out this month. Boo.) @MrPack would be welcome to consider the place - the backyard is lovely for enjoying a Spotted Cow, and there are lots of parks and trails for getting his dog out to play!

The current owner is one of the nicest people I have met, and he and his wife are ready to purchase a home for their young family. I think he's ready to sell so they can have all of their resources available for that. I know he will work with me as much as he can, though. 

This is a really big decision, but I think it's the right one. I am also all about fate and karma. I have done my part and expressed my interest. It's up to the universe (and the mortgage gods) to decide now!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm struggling tonight.

When I first moved in, my neighbors (duplex) had only just moved here as well-from out of state and short term. We have become good friends, and they are a big piece of the puzzle that is my new life. 

They moved back home today, and I am taking it much harder than I expected. I understand why, but I am frustrated with being this emotional. I think it's the first major change/loss since getting on my own. They have been a part of my warm and safe post divorce life, and I am feeling alone again, for the first time in awhile. 

I know I'm not alone. It will be fine. I'm thrilled for them, and more amazing souls can take their place downstairs. I know all of that. But right now, I'm still sad.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I have confidence that you will become stronger mentally and emotionally. I suggest spending time with other friends and family and sharing your grief with them and in time others will probably fulfill that void even though they can never replace that loss, but perhaps, they will bring something new to your life that you can cherish with those close to you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Of course it is. And you are still pretty raw. They were a bit of a safety blanket for you.

Time to find some social hobbies. Meetup groups would be a good thing if you are not already doing them.

See it as a loss, and mourn it...for a small amount of time. Then seize the opportunity to make new friends.

Or...Take a trip to Packer land. I hear Pack has a nice deck...lol

You will be okay.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I have confidence that you will become stronger mentally and emotionally. I suggest spending time with other friends and family and sharing your grief with them and in time others will probably fulfill that void even though they can never replace that loss, but perhaps, they will bring something new to your life that you can cherish with those close to you.





farsidejunky said:


> Of course it is. And you are still pretty raw. They were a bit of a safety blanket for you.
> 
> Time to find some social hobbies. Meetup groups would be a good thing if you are not already doing them.
> 
> ...


Thank you both so much. I know you're right. I've been working a lot, and I need to refocus on getting back to my running group. That will help in multiple ways. My son is home for the summer, too. That's another good thing. The house just feels empty now, and I'm still trying to decide whether I should buy it, so that's adding to the emotion. 

It will be fine. It will be good. There's no law that says I can't strike it rich with two good neighbors in a row. 

And I suspect that @MrPack and I could really tear up one of the many summer festivals in my neck of the woods. 

In the meantime, I am drowning my sorrows in a good Malbec and some cold pizza. Cuz I'm classy like that.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Malbec and cold pizza... Damm, why hasn't some man scooped you up?

When you get a chance, I want you to try a Tres Picos Garnacha. Even a wine snob like Pluto would approve. Goes great with cold pepperoni and mushroom.

You are doing well Too Nice. You will get nice new neighbors. You may even be their landlord.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Absurdist said:


> Malbec and cold pizza... Damm, why hasn't some man scooped you up?
> 
> When you get a chance, I want you to try a Tres Picos Garnacha. Even a wine snob like Pluto would approve. Goes great with cold pepperoni and mushroom.
> 
> ...


A good choice, Absurdist. I approve.

Now, to go with a good cold pizza, I would also recommend a 2011 Quinta das Carvalhas from Portugal, a tight finish that pairs well with the tomato and cheeses of the pizza.

TooNice, your friends leaving marks a first, the first really personal loss you've endured since the D. It would hurt at anytime, but the emotional loss I found is a kind of trigger. Accept it as you have, and look forward to the future connections you can make.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> TooNice, your friends leaving marks a first, the first really personal loss you've endured since the D. It would hurt at anytime, but the emotional loss I found is a kind of trigger. Accept it as you have, and look forward to the future connections you can make.


You are spot on, Pluto. I am blessed to consider myself fairly in tune with my emotions, and I know this is exactly what is going on. I am better today, but took last night to embrace the sad for a short time. 

And now, I must research where I can follow up on the wine recommendations!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You guys are making me miss vino.

If only I could enjoy it without having the need to finish two bottles in an evening...


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Better day today. Had a great work meeting during the day, and spent the evening making dinner together with my son. 


~Just breathe.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

TooNice said:


> Thank you both so much. I know you're right. I've been working a lot, and I need to refocus on getting back to my running group. That will help in multiple ways. My son is home for the summer, too. That's another good thing. The house just feels empty now, and I'm still trying to decide whether I should buy it, so that's adding to the emotion.
> 
> It will be fine. It will be good. There's no law that says I can't strike it rich with two good neighbors in a row.
> 
> ...


Wow, not sure how I missed your latest update and these conversations. Yes we could definitely tear up some music festivals!! But, after reading the posts after this one and your last post it is nice to see that you are feeling better. As you know I'm in a bit of a funk the past couple days. Realizing they will come and go is important I think. 

Hang in there and when you are feeling down just remember how awesome/important you are!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm still working through this whole house thing. My loan pre-auth is in place, and since I do not have a realtor, I have asked a realtor mom from my son's old grade school to run comps for me for the neighborhood. She offered to come over and walk through as well. I scheduled an inspection for next week, so based on what she says, I've got that ready to go. If all goes well, I think I will do this. I still know it's a big move, but people buy houses all the time. Single people. Single women. No problem.  

The banker helping with my loan gave me a compliment me today. I had called to ask a few follow up questions about the loan and commitment papers. He told me I am being very smart about this, handling all the things I should handle, and asking smart questions. He said he's seen too many people dive right in, and feels like I am in a good place. That helped. 

I still miss my neighbors, but I got to talk to the husband for a while today. It was nice to hear about their new place and catch up a little. Once I figure out finances with the house, I will need to research airfare so I can go visit them!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I just need to vent for a moment... Just to get thoughts out and try to work through them.

I am a positive woman. I believe in universal forces, they everything happens for a reason, and no one touches our lives by accident. I am truly at peace with my divorce and where I am in my life, although I am ready for a partner to share it with again. I am content and happy. 

As well as I am doing most of the time, I still am bothered by the spurts of negative feelings I have toward my ex and his girlfriend. Every so often, I have these periods of being very angry. Angry at what he stole from me by trapping me in that marriage for years, when he knew he would be divorcing me. When he knew he already had someone. My fresh start could have been 6-10 years sooner, if it had not been for his selfishness and narcissism. His daughter doesn't speak to me, and I don't know why. Yet he gets to have a relationship with her, despite the horrible things he did that she does not know about. The unfairness of it creeps up on me sometimes and I am not sure how to handle it. 

Last night, I saw that the OW looked at my Linkedin profile. All I could think was that she doesn't get to do that. She has no right to peek into my life. She has no rights when it comes to me. My son is moving in a couple of months, and part of me is disturbed about how I will react if she is there for any reason. I'm not sure I could maintain my composure when I come face to face with her. And I do not want my son to see that. 

It's that lack of control that frightens me and overwhelms me. I feel so powerful about so many other things in my life, but this... this anger just feels like a pit inside of me when it pops up. 

I think I need to just go back to getting some meditation in, keep up with my running, and let it work its course. I know people tell me that one day this part will fade, too... I just wish it would happen sooner.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

And as the universe would have it, this gem popped up in my FB feed tonight... 











~Just breathe.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sometimes, @TooNice, when I try to balance the scales of universal justice, and I feel like I have been slighted, I think of how big the world is. 

Then I think about how so much of the rest of the world suffers so much greater than I...not knowing if food will be plentiful tomorrow...not having fresh water...not knowing if they will be safe from a militia knocking on their door to kill the man of the family and sell their women into slavery...

Each of us are all so blessed...all we can really do is seek out God's will for ourselves and follow. 

That isn't always easy, but the longer we resist, the harder it becomes. And somewhere in all of it is a lesson.

You are a good person. Good people are around...you just have to look a bit harder to find them. The same goes for a person to share life with.

It will happen.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Sometimes, @TooNice, when I try to balance the scales of universal justice, and I feel like I have been slighted, I think of how big the world is.
> 
> Then I think about how so much of the rest of the world suffers so much greater than I...not knowing if food will be plentiful tomorrow...not having fresh water...not knowing if they will be safe from a militia knocking on their door to kill the man of the family and sell their women into slavery...
> 
> ...


Thank you, Farside. You speak the truth. I know you do. I really can see the good and how blessed I am. The anger I have directed at him just seeps to the surface sometimes. I long for the day I don't have to wait for it to sink back down... for the day when I don't have anger any longer for what he did to me and our family.

Thank you for your kind words. They mean more than I can say tonight.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

And this one showed up, too. 











~Just breathe.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Too Nice - can I tell you a story?

In my sophomore year of college (medieval times... groan) I met and fell in love with a girl I will call Julie. Julie was everything to me. I thought she was as into me as I was into her. At least she sure led me to believe that. I thought she was the one and I was planning our life in the future. Spring break of our junior year she tells me that she was never really in love with me, always loved her old boyfriend from high school and she was going back to him. Sorry. I hope you're not too hurt.

I never really talked to her again. I was so shocked. So crushed. I felt so mislead. The injustice of this. This feeling lasted all my senior year and into law school. I can remember sitting in a torts class and she would pop into my head and the free fall would begin all over again. I finally got a grip in my second year of LS. I just let her go. I more or less forgave her. Thanks be to God. Shortly thereafter I met MrsAbsurdist. The polar opposite of Julie in terms of "wonderfulness" 

Too Nice I don't believe in Karma. I do believe that God has a purpose for everything. It's just hard to see at times.

A few years ago MrsAbsurdist and I were sitting in an airport waiting on a plane to London. I looked up and saw a dumpy, wrinkly, fat woman coming down the concourse. She was berating the man that was with her for going to slow. OMG. It was Julie. I hadn't seen her in decades. She looked wretched. Had not aged well at all. She didn't see me or if she did, she didn't recognize me. I watched her until she disappeared into the crowd. Then I looked over at MrsAbsurdist who was rubbing my hand while she read her book. She of the leggings, boots, sexy white sweater, beautiful silver grey hair over her shoulder, incredible skin and eyes and sweet disposition. I wanted to stand up and sing the hymn "Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow".

Your time is coming Too Nice. I know that it's hard to see at times but it is coming nevertheless.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

So, @Absurdist and @farsidejunky. Let me ask you this. 

I have been looking at my life in areas: my overall contentment and happiness, my anger toward my ex, and my desire to find a new partner. The first and last I particularly differentiate because I know that my happiness comes first. I shouldn't find a partner until I am happy. And what if I never find one? I need to be happy on my own. I recognize that. My happiness does not hinge on me meeting that next person. I tried to keep that separate from my anger in my post last night. Because my post really was about my anger, not about the fact that I haven't found someone. My anger about the fact that I was kept prisoner in a marriage I thought could be recovered, when he knew it was over. Is part of it anger at the fact that he has her and I'm still alone? Maybe. Probably. But it's a small piece, I think. 

So you both brought it back around to reminding me that I will meet someone one day, and it will be lovely. I believe that. I do. I do hope it is sooner, rather than later, but I do believe it. But, the anger I feel... are you both implying that my anger may dissolve some when that happens? Is holding on to the new part of letting go of the past? 

Perhaps I'm not really separating all of these pieces as much as I have been telling myself I am. Perhaps I can't. 

I just don't like the way I feel when this bubbles up. It messes with my aura.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I think in order to be healthy enough to be in the right frame of mind to meet that right person, that anger needs to be let go.

However, I don't actually think you're as mad at you ex husband as you think you are. I think you're more angry at yourself; for allowing yourself to be deceived in that way; for the time that was wasted while you were being deceived.

So the real question is who are you actually trying to forgive?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'd like to offer some profound advice here, but nothing I say could surpass @Absurdist and @farsidejunky.

You hurt because you loved, and that is never a weakness. It is the ultimate act of bravery.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> You hurt because you loved, and that is never a weakness. It is the ultimate act of bravery.


QFT.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> However, I don't actually think you're as mad at you ex husband as you think you are. I think you're more angry at yourself; for allowing yourself to be deceived in that way; for the time that was wasted while you were being deceived.
> 
> So the real question is who are you actually trying to forgive?


This is very, very good. That may be the piece I have been overlooking. I credit myself with being very astute when it comes to self awareness, which is part of why this anger issue has continued to bother me so much. Thank you for putting it in that framework for me. I will definitely spend some time with that. 



Pluto2 said:


> You hurt because you loved, and that is never a weakness. It is the ultimate act of bravery.


 @Pluto2, you beautiful soul. Thank you for that reminder.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> This is very, very good. That may be the piece I have been overlooking. I credit myself with being very astute when it comes to self awareness, which is part of why this anger issue has continued to bother me so much. Thank you for putting it in that framework for me. I will definitely spend some time with that.
> 
> 
> 
> @Pluto2, you beautiful soul. Thank you for that reminder.


Both of you guys are beautiful souls. And Farside is dead on.

In my inarticulate post above, all I was trying to say is that I had to give up the sadness and the anger for anyone to be interested in me again.

Fortunately I had a strong male friend who kicked my butt for two years. It took that long for his message to finally sink in. That and.... time. It always comes back to time doesn't it?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> Both of you guys are beautiful souls. And Farside is dead on.
> 
> In my inarticulate post above, all I was trying to say is that I had to give up the sadness and the anger for anyone to be interested in me again.
> 
> Fortunately I had a strong male friend who kicked my butt for two years. It took that long for his message to finally sink in. That and.... time. It always comes back to time doesn't it?


@Adsurdist, you are a gem. And inarticulate is not a word that I would ever use to describe you. I just wanted to understand more about what you were both saying. I keep stumbling over this same issue every few months, and while I could head back to therapy (and still may), I wanted to turn to my wise and trusted friends here first. Y'all are some smart folks with more perspective than 6 therapy sessions can provide me. 

I think I understand now. While I am in a really amazing place, that anger popping up may be enough to prevent the one last thing I would like to have in my new life. I need to work on that. 

Thank you.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I posted over in the singles thread today, and realized that I haven't been in my own thread in quite some time. So... here is a slightly rambling update on me. 

I have been crazy busy with work these past weeks, and will continue to be for a few more. Probably not the best time to even be talking to men, let alone trying to date. I had a couple of nice dates recently with one guy, but I have had many disappointing experiences with dating. I fear my current jaded approach (coupled with my workload right now) probably made me seem disinterested. 

I am planning a couple of trips, so that's giving me something to look forward to, despite my stressful workload right now. I am most looking forward to visiting my son at college and spending time with him. He will be home in a few weeks for his sister's wedding, and we are planning to drive back to his town together, then I will stay for a few days. That whole thing is bittersweet for me. I am looking forward to being with him, and the ride will be fun. But I am not invited to my stepdaughter's wedding... which is something I never would have envisioned. It makes my heart hurt to be so easily removed from her life with no explanation. I know it is confusing for my son as well, and we don't really talk about it. I don't want him to feel like he is in the middle; it is not his battle. It's not a battle at all. I am simply not a necessary part of her life any longer. 

I am running my third half marathon this weekend, so I am excited about that. I am much better trained than I was this time last year! I am still a very slow runner, but I am excited to see how I feel when I finish. I've a had a few bumps in my training these past few weeks, but I think I am as ready as I can be. 

I feel like when work slows down I need to set some life, career, mental health and fitness goals and just stop with the dating. I am tired of jerks and disappointments, and really hate that I am starting to doubt myself and wonder if it is me. I am a very strong and confident woman, and hate that I would even entertain that thought. I feel like if I shift my focus I can work through that and just continue to make myself more of the woman I want to be. I still hold out faith that the man of my dreams will simply show up at some point, but maybe I don't have to be actively searching for him right now. I think my time is much better served actively searching for me and fulfilling all of my other needs.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

I'm sorry Too Nice. You're on an emotional marathon as well. But.... 26.2 does come to an end... after a lot of pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Although it was two weeks ago now, my race went as well as it could. I had a cold, and an injury. Given that, I was only 12 minutes over what I hoped to do. And even running through pain, I still felt much better than last year. Strong, even. I have already signed up for two more half marathons - in January and April. As a person who once hated any physical activity, I have learned to love running and training. The routine, the emotional release, and simply feeling like I have a healthy body are all things that have been therapeutic for me. Not to mention the friends I have made.

I am waiting now to find out whether I need to find a new place to live. We couldn't agree on a price when my landlord offered me the opportunity to purchase the property I live in, so he listed it on the market. An offer is pending, and the home was inspected last week. It is a little unnerving to have no idea what the buyer's intentions are, but I am trying to not spend too much energy on it. I can't control whether they let me stay or tell me to move. So... I wait. 

Work is still overwhelming, but I am hopeful that things will soon slow. 

One step at a time, as always.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Be patient (I know, easy for me to say, right?). 

You will end up where you are supposed to be.

Until a resolution presents itself, continue to pursue your passions.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Oh boy... these past days have been a roller coaster. My son came into town late in the week... to attend his sister's wedding. Which I was not invited to. After the ceremony, he and I hopped in the car and drove back to his town so I could visit for the weekend. It's been a great visit. I love spending time with him, and really love meeting his friends. But I can't help but have it weigh on me. His friends were asking him how the wedding was, mentioning pictures he had shared, and even asking me how it was. I also learned that the OW was there. I can't cope with the emotions that brings up in me. 

I know I need to just ride this out and let the feelings pass, but that approach is always difficult for me. I like to identify something, target it, and address it. Sometimes that can't be done. There are some situations that simply need time, and this is one of them. 

It just stinks in the meantime. I still love her and I miss her, and I HATE that the OW gets to have this with her, along with all of the other family stuff I miss. 

Sorry... just need a moment of self-pity. I'll pull myself back up in a minute or two.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

In situations such as this, what we need to do is often the hardest thing to do:

Be still. Let the emotions wash over you. Embrace them. Then let them go. Just like a high tide, it will pass.

That is all one can do when there is no control or influence.

Sorry about your day.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

One day soon I hope to come here to report that I am doing better. I continue to be overwhelmed... by work, by loneliness, hurt, and uncertainty. I can still remain grateful for the good in my life - there is so much of it. I am simply in a low point. 

A "family" pic popped up on social media last night from the wedding. It was such a stab to see the OW standing there - and standing right next to my son. The good I could find in the pain is that I finally released it. I hadn't really allowed that to happen yet. But damn, does it hurt. 

I have some good things to look forward to - I will never be one to say the life is all bad. I just need to spend some time with this new level of hurt and give it time to work through. This won't be the last of it - they will be having a reception this summer, and I am certain babies and other celebrations will follow. I am smart enough to know that each of these rites will bring a new wave of hurt with them, and I simply need to learn how to cope each time. I already have an option I am considering if I do need to move - a friend has offered that he would not mind a roommate. He would be good company, and it would save me a good deal of money, I imagine. He has a home, so I think there would be space enough for us both. It's a nice option to consider, should I need it. 

As for the loneliness... well... we all deal with that on occasion, right? 

In any event, I am grateful for this safe arena to simply come and voice my feelings and not have to pretend all is well. Sometimes, it feels better to recognize that it isn't all shiny and sunny.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

Just breathe Too Nice.

Just a question. If I was a guy who was interested in you, I might be nonplussed if I found out you were living with another guy. Are you sure this is a good idea? What is the status of your present lease?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

If the new owners decide to displace me, I need to move within 30 days. If it helps, I'm not quite masculine enough for his taste. He'd pose no threat to any potential suitors.  


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

@TooNice how is your 26.2 training going? Now I can see that you have some new suitors and that I'm very jealous. You're certainly worth it.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> @TooNice how is your 26.2 training going? Now I can see that you have some new suitors and that I'm very jealous. You're certainly worth it.


I guess I have not updated here in some time. So, my living situation: I have new landlords, and they wanted me to stay. They have made many changes, and I am spending a little more on housing as a result. I am terribly comfortable where I am, though, so I should be able to make it work. 

My marathon training is going well. I question my decision to run a spring marathon with the need to train in the midwest during the winter, but I will figure it out. I haven't started 10+ mile runs yet, so that's when it will get more challenging. 

I am happy with my decision to not focus much on dating during this time. I have options, but none are very serious. I love the occasional drinks or dinner. I'm content to go days without hearing from them. While I have said I am ready for a relationship and want one, now is not the time to actively seek one out. 

I recently reconnected with someone I had been seeing over the summer, and had been confused about how things fizzled out between us. He was definite long term potential, and I was never sure what happened. We talked and realized there had been some misunderstanding from both perspectives, and he wanted to dive back in and start over. I was so surprised, and said sure. That lasted precisely two days. 

I had a brilliant realization, though. I felt pressured because I don't have time for him. My time is consumed by my training, my friends, my life... I was feeling guilty because I couldn't respond to his messages, schedule a phone call, or pick a day to meet for dinner. 

Because I am unwilling to adjust my life and the things I want to have in it right now. 

So, I call that a total win.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I guess I haven't updated in some time. Around Thanksgiving, I met someone who was one of the options mentioned in my last post. We saw each other for a couple of months for coffee, dinner, etc. In January, we had one exceptional date and have been exclusive since. We have a few things that point to some issues for long term potential, but right now, where we both are, we are very good for one another. We are exclusive, yet low pressure. It's wonderful to be comfortable with a man again. I'm learning to trust again, and I think I am teaching him some things as well. 

I have also had some good conversations with my son. He knows I am seeing someone, and I finally had the age gap conversation with him. (Since I am clearly attracted to younger men, I figured I may as well talk to him about it - even if my current situation changes.) He was great; he really does not see an issue, unless a man is young enough to be my own son. He even brought up the "half your age plus 7" rule.  It feels good to have the air cleared on that subject. 

My marathon training was interrupted with a nagging hip injury that we are still trying to get to the bottom of, but I am not giving up. I have this thought in my head now of running one - just one. I will continue to work on that goal. 

Otherwise, work is busy and wonderful, and I am excited for summer and all that it brings.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Great report Too Nice.

So is your formula applicable to men as well? If so, and if I wasn't married, I could date a woman who was 57....


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Agreed on the update.

Me dating a 28 year old? What the heck would we talk about?

As to you, what are the potential issues for long term? Does it have to do with children?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Agreed on the update.
> 
> Me dating a 28 year old? What the heck would we talk about?
> 
> As to you, what are the potential issues for long term? Does it have to do with children?


Ha - to be fair, there are many mature younger folks out there. I've never had a lack of conversation with any of the men I have dated. With this one, I often laugh at the fact that my guy's knowledge of movies and music from the 80's outshines my own! 

The potential long term issues have to do with the fact that I would like to move out of state at some point. He is ambivalent about kids, so that one is not an issue. But he's not interested in moving where I would like to go. We have talked about it, and decided that something that might happen in 3-4 years does not need to be a deterrent for us enjoying each other now. We are both happy to be in a healthy relationship with a kind person - that's enough. We know that potential is hanging out there, but a great deal can happen in 3 months, let alone 3 years.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> Ha - to be fair, there are many mature younger folks out there. I've never had a lack of conversation with any of the men I have dated. With this one, I often laugh at the fact that my guy's knowledge of movies and music from the 80's outshines my own!
> 
> The potential long term issues have to do with the fact that I would like to move out of state at some point. He is ambivalent about kids, so that one is not an issue. But he's not interested in moving where I would like to go. We have talked about it, and decided that something that might happen in 3-4 years does not need to be a deterrent for us enjoying each other now. We are both happy to be in a healthy relationship with a kind person - that's enough. We know that potential is hanging out there, but a great deal can happen in 3 months, let alone 3 years.


Based on some of Two Nice's posts, Too Nice would like to live in a warmer clime. In this regard she wants to be a saint... i.e. a resident of....

St. Thomas, St. John's, St. Croix St. Barts..... 😄


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> Based on some of Two Nice's posts, Too Nice would like to live in a warmer clime. In this regard she wants to be a saint... i.e. a resident of....
> 
> St. Thomas, St. John's, St. Croix St. Barts..... 😄


Ah... you know me well, Absurdist!


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

@TooNice it is time for an update. It's been a month. I think I know what's happening from boards I rarely post on. You know that @farside and I are your biggest cheerleaders. We only want the best for TooNice. So start posting already!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> @TooNice it is time for an update. It's been a month. I think I know what's happening from boards I rarely post on. You know that @farside and I are your biggest cheerleaders. We only want the best for TooNice. So start posting already!


You guys are great, truly. 

So I think we have broken up. We've had some conversations lately about some other concerns, but the whole moving thing came up again over the weekend. We have become very fond of one another (he has even told me he loves me). We truly enjoy each other's company, and our conversation revolved around whether it is best to retreat now while feelings are new or to have it be much more difficult down the road. We both feel like if it happens now, our chances of remaining friends will be better. 

We gave ourselves a few days apart, although we both broke the agreement the past two days to check in via text. We are supposed to meet for drinks and talking tomorrow night. 

I know it's the right thing, but it's still hard.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> _If he said this:_
> 
> (he has even told me he loves me).
> 
> ...



Hang in there TooNice. You've had a life time of experiences in the past 3 years.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

It can be easy to look at others and wonder why everyone else seems to find love so seemingly effortlessly. 

At the same time, I *have* had many experiences these past years. And this boyfriend I had? He taught me a lot. He showed me how if feels to be admired. What it feels like to have a man look at you in a crowded room as though no one else is there. In 20 years of marriage, my ex never looked at me the way this man did. It's intoxicating. 

He called tonight. He's made several references to friendship, so I guess we won't be talking tomorrow about whether we made the right decision. I know it's right. He's definitely making it easier for me, however.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Absurdist said:


> Hang in there TooNice. You've had a life time of experiences in the past 3 years.


All good points.

TN, if he can remain friends while having such strong feelings for you, he is a unicorn.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> All good points.
> 
> TN, if he can remain friends while having such strong feelings for you, he is a unicorn.




He may be, at that. He's a really, really good man. Time will tell. I'd be sad to not have him in my life at all.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

TooNice said:


> It can be easy to look at others and wonder why everyone else seems to find love so seemingly effortlessly.


Think of viewing others love life this way as reading a book, except you are only allowed to read the first two sentences of each chapter, which is a far cry from the full story. Additionally, people are frequently good at hiding their messes.



TooNice said:


> At the same time, I *have* had many experiences these past years. And this boyfriend I had? He taught me a lot. He showed me how if feels to be admired. What it feels like to have a man look at you in a crowded room as though no one else is there. In 20 years of marriage, my ex never looked at me the way this man did. It's intoxicating.


The more important question is why you didn't insist on this in your husband selection process. Make sure you address the "why".



TooNice said:


> He called tonight. He's made several references to friendship, so I guess we won't be talking tomorrow about whether we made the right decision. I know it's right. He's definitely making it easier for me, however.


Do both of you a favor. He may find reasons to contact you. Limit the amount of interaction you have together. My bet is he won't be able to. You will have to be strong for him.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> The more important question is why you didn't insist on this in your husband selection process. Make sure you address the "why".


I was 21 years old when I met my ex. We were young and I loved the idea of being with him. And at the time, he was good to me. I think for a period, he really did love me. In retrospect, I can look back and see lots of signs now, of course. But I never really knew how worthy I am and how much I did not get from him until we divorced. 

I saw the ex-BF last night. It was comfortable and felt natural to see him as friends. We talked some about how the past few days of trying limited contact felt, and had similar experiences to report. The first couple of days were hard and emotional, but the reality and practicality settled in. This is the right decision. I needed to see him to know how it felt to be together as friends, and I am very optimistic.

He even stopped by this morning at a coffee shop where I was with some friends he knows. There was good conversation and banter all around. It was nice. 

He may just be a unicorn, after all.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

So, I am back on the dating scene and have had a couple of nice dates. I had a second date with someone last night and another second date scheduled with someone else tomorrow. I have reservations about tomorrow... I'm not sure we connect on enough interests. And he's 51, never married and his longest relationships have been six months. But I'll give it a second date before I decide. My biggest concern is that I may be in danger of bumping into the guy from last night - lol. I know that we're only two dates in, but that just feels strange for me. Hopefully it won't be an issue. Especially since I'd really like to see the guy from last night again. 

The ex and I are still seeing each other as friends. I requested more space, though... I said we need room to be apart, and he agreed. I know he still has some feelings for me, though. 

I'm running again, which is awesome. I had an 11 mile training run today. That's the furthest I have run since last fall, and I am so freaking exited about it. I'm signed up for a marathon in the fall, and today is the first day I have felt like this might be a thing I can make happen. I have it in my head that I want to do this. Just once. Just to prove that I can. It will be challenging to keep up with training with my work schedule over the next few months, but it will be good for me to stay focused on this.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't go on the second date.

Red flags.

You are not feeling it.

You are drawn to last night's date.

Why bother?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Don't go on the second date.
> 
> Red flags.
> 
> ...


Did you notice my username-lol? 
Seriously, I did enjoy our first date. And I had this scheduled before last night's date happened. After we've talked for weeks about a second date, I would feel crappy about bailing now.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Well dang.

This is what I get from taking a sabbatical from this place.

@TooNice has suitors coming out her ears. I need a spreadsheet to keep up with 'em all.

Next thing we know she's going to be the main attraction on (cough. Gag. Hurl a bit) The Bachelorette :smile2:

Lord have mercy, somebody fetch me a Spotted Cow.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> Well dang.
> 
> This is what I get from taking a sabbatical from this place.
> 
> ...


Oh, good heavens, Absurdist - please don't even joke about such things! Cough/gag/hurl, indeed! Lol!

We ARE only two dates in, so there is plenty of time to figure out why neither of them is good for me.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I am such a blessed mama. Seriously. My son was home this weekend. For his sister's wedding. I met my ex when she was all of 9 months old. She was my life... my daughter... my world...with my son... until the divorce. She decided that there was no longer room in her life for me. Her aunts don't understand... her brother doesn't understand. But she got married this weekend. And after 22 years of being in her life, I was not there. I wasn't at the wedding of the child I raised for more then 20 years. 

I am so grateful that my son and I have the relationship we do. He was all too aware of how difficult it was for me... how much it hurt to not be there.

My son knows that family members texted me from the wedding... telling me they missed me. He insisted that he would come home last night with his girlfriend and their friends. They spent today with me, and it was wonderful. However how hard it may be, he come home to me. He acknowledged the complete ****tiness of the situation. He didn't sugarcoat it or make it something it's not. It sucks. Period. And it means the world to meet have him simply acknowledge that. That's really all I needed. 

I'm sad today. Really, really sad. I do not understand how a person can cut someone out of their life the way way she she has. But I can still see the good. I must have done something right...


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

TooNice said:


> I am such a blessed mama. Seriously. My son was home this weekend. For his sister's wedding. I met my ex when she was all of 9 months old. She was my life... my daughter... my world...with my son... until the divorce. She decided that there was no longer room in her life for me. Her aunts don't understand... her brother doesn't understand. But she got married this weekend. And after 22 years of being in her life, I was not there. I wasn't at the wedding of the child I raised for more then 20 years.
> 
> I am so grateful that my son and I have the relationship we do. He was all too aware of how difficult it was for me... how much it hurt to not be there.
> 
> ...


At least you have a son, who is thoughtful and considerate of his mama. One day when she becomes a mother she will understand. Have a blessed day.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> Oh boy... these past days have been a roller coaster. My son came into town late in the week... to attend his sister's wedding. Which I was not invited to. After the ceremony, he and I hopped in the car and drove back to his town so I could visit for the weekend. It's been a great visit. I love spending time with him, and really love meeting his friends. But I can't help but have it weigh on me. His friends were asking him how the wedding was, mentioning pictures he had shared, and even asking me how it was. I also learned that the OW was there. I can't cope with the emotions that brings up in me.
> 
> I know I need to just ride this out and let the feelings pass, but that approach is always difficult for me. I like to identify something, target it, and address it. Sometimes that can't be done. There are some situations that simply need time, and this is one of them.
> 
> ...


 @TooNice I waited a few days to respond. Surely you have a theory about your stepdaughters estrangement. Little signs you saw while she was growing up. What were they? Was this a slow break over time or a wake up one day and she had changed? Did your divorce play any role? Is she a Daddy's girl? There must be some events over the years where you could look back and say these are the culprits. Just trying to help you search for answers.

I would be willing to wager that your son does know. He loves you and just doesn't want to hurt you.

Forgive me if I am being too nosey. You are one of the best on TAM and I simply want the best for you.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Absurdist said:


> @TooNice I waited a few days to respond. Surely you have a theory about your stepdaughters estrangement. Little signs you saw while she was growing up. What were they? Was this a slow break over time or a wake up one day and she had changed? Did your divorce play any role? Is she a Daddy's girl? There must be some events over the years where you could look back and say these are the culprits. Just trying to help you search for answers.
> 
> I would be willing to wager that your son does know. He loves you and just doesn't want to hurt you.
> 
> Forgive me if I am being too nosey. You are one of the best on TAM and I simply want the best for you.


You are a good soul, @Absurdist. Thank you. 

My only conclusion is that she is a narcissist, who was raised by two narcissistic birth parents. Her mom has a history of stopping contact with people who she no longer deems necessary or beneficial in her life, and her dad doesn't know how to form and maintain solid, meaningful relationships. There may have been more signs, but I always tried my best to be a good parent to both of my kids. That's all I focused on. (To be fair, there were signs my marriage was a train wreck, and I missed those, so...) 

My son really doesn't understand. The event last fall was a small ceremony, with less than 10 people in attendance. This weekend was the family event - the full reception, people in from out of town - the works. My son and I did not discuss it much then, but this one he was very open about. He was upset that I wasn't there. Other family members there spoke with him about it, and they reached out to me, too. That meant a lot! But he was hurting for me, and he missed me. He and his friends were simply wonderful when they were here with me. I couldn't have asked for more support. 

I'm doing better now, after having had a few days to process. It's over, and she made her decision. On the bright side, I did not have to deal with facing the OW, and with all that would come with that. I am still sad that my son is in the middle of all of it, though. It made me think of if the day should come when he marries, and what he will have to deal with. That makes me sad, because he shouldn't have to consider things like that. But he is an adult, and he deal with it he will, if and when that day comes. 

For now, I am dusting myself off and moving on. My life will not be dictated by the smallness of others. I've got too much going for me to allow that to happen. <3


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Ack. I am weeks away from running my first marathon. At age 45. 

This week of my training consists of the most miles, and they have been difficult runs. I am questioning my training (I should be cross training more, I'm not doing enough strength work), and I am doubting myself (I'm not ready, I'm not fast enough, I'm not strong enough).

I was nearly in tears on tonight's run thinking I can't do this. 

I have my last big run on Saturday - 22 miles. I can do this. I did 14. I did 16. I did 18. I did 20. And I did 16 again. I can do this. 

I'm blessed to be in several running groups and to have made friends with smart, experienced and positive people. Tonight they shared that crappy training runs happen. Crappy races happen. But Saturday's run will not be tonight's run. I'm prepared. I've got this. 

Running this marathon is about so much more than running a marathon. It's about overcoming... everything. It's about making a decision and working through the steps needed to make it happen. I'm proud of myself, and I have to remember that. 

And if y'all don't have runners in your life (even if you don't run), go make friends with some. They are awesome humans.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You've got this, TooNice.

Looking forward to an update after your 22 mile prep run.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> I can do this.


Yes @TooNice, you can. You of strength, dignity and grace.

Probably would be to your benefit to do some strength training along with your regular training (my last 26.2 was 14 years ago... bad knees and arthritis make it a no go now).

I leave you with the words of the Apostle Paul:

_I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
_

@TooNice, your form doesn't matter, your time doesn't matter, where you finish doesn't matter. In a 26.2 all you need to do is finish the race.

You can do it!!!!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> You've got this, TooNice.
> 
> Looking forward to an update after your 22 mile prep run.


22.4 done. And I'm still alive. And I have done two loads of laundry and vacuumed the house!

I also ordered food to be delivered, because despite the other things I did, I couldn't muster the energy to cook-lol.

Three weeks. Let the tapering begin!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

It's done! I finished, in under six hours. The 5:30 pace team was well behind me for more than 1/2 the race, but they passed me at about mile 17. I was very, very tired those last miles, but my goal was under six, and I did it. More importantly, I wanted to be smiling and still able to run at the end, and I did both of those things. 

It will take me a few days to process the emotions of the day and the journey to get there. The support on the course from strangers and loved ones is something I will never, ever forget. It is overwhelming on so many levels. 

I have much more than I can say, but I simply can't find the words yet. But I thought I would check in and say that I am a marathoner.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

TooNice said:


> It's done! I finished, in under six hours. The 5:30 pace team was well behind me for more than 1/2 the race, but they passed me at about mile 17. I was very, very tired those last miles, but my goal was under six, and I did it. More importantly, I wanted to be smiling and still able to run at the end, and I did both of those things.
> 
> It will take me a few days to process the emotions of the day and the journey to get there. The support on the course from strangers and loved ones is something I will never, ever forget. It is overwhelming on so many levels.
> 
> I have much more than I can say, but I simply can't find the words yet. But I thought I would check in and say that I am a marathoner.


Bravo TooNice. If you did it under six you are a wonder woman. Congrats on your first 26.2. Drink a Spotted Cow for me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Well done!

Take a bit to process, then find your next personal hill to climb.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Check in time. 

Things are good overall. Work has all sorts of challenges and things to learn, which is always good. I am starting to think more seriously about a move to warmer weather. That includes thoughts about what the next stages of my career may look like. That is scary and exciting all at once. I feel like moving is the right thing for me now. But it is scary. 

My ex is getting married. I don't know when, especially since he still hasn't told me about the engagement. He truly does live in his own little world where life revolves around him. He never even considered how not telling me would ultimately affect our son, even though he still claims to co-parent. I am grateful that my son and I have the relationship we do. As time goes on, I am certain he is understanding more and more the kind of person his father is. I wish he didn't have to, but I am comfortable that he has come to opinions on his own, and has not been influenced much by me. That's important to me. 

My dating life is no longer an active one. I have a couple of men who I enjoy spending time with, but for various reasons, would not date seriously. So I have options for plays and concerts and events when I would like companionship. I'm finished with dating sites (again - lol!). I told a friend the other day that they suck your soul, and he thought that was a great way to put it. When I am online dating, I feel minimized, my ego gets bruised, and I never feel good about myself. I don't need that in my life! Instead, I am working out, starting over with some running training, and have rediscovered yoga. It's a nice balance of exercise that has me feeling stronger and more fit. I do not have another marathon on my radar, but I do have some lofty running goals for this year. I think I am currently signed up for 4 or 5 half marathons! 

So, things are good. The engagement announcement was an opportunity for me to deal with some of those feelings I have talked about here before: the unfairness, what he took from me by keeping me trapped in a marriage he never intended to stay in, the sometimes overwhelming loss of so much family, including my stepdaughter... I had been looking at that all wrong. I am finally feeling like I can move on from that. With the thought of moving in my head, it feels good. And maybe I haven't met anyone yet because he's not here... he's waiting for me down south and giving me time to finish healing a little bit more.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Well.... the next guy is south of you. He's the broker you meet when you buy your condo in the Turks and Caicos.....


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Interesting development today. My ex sent me a note with a few items on it, and at the end brought up his plans for our son's graduation. He listed the family members who plan to attend, and said the OW would like to be there, but they both want the event to be a celebration and not something more awkward than it already will be (since my stepdaughter and I are estranged, and she and her husband will be there). 

I responded with sincere appreciation. And indicated that I would prefer only the family members he listed come. I think it will be easier on our son, as well - it would be awkward for him, too. 

I am grateful he brought it up, and that he is being respectful of the fact that I would likely not want her to attend. It is a huge relief and and answer to something that has troubled me for some time!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

We are days away from my son's graduation. I am experiencing some anxiety, but overall, I think I am doing alright. I am excited to be there to see my son's big day, and to spend a little time with my father in law, too. I can even tolerate being with my ex for this. I am not looking forward to being with my stepdaughter. I expect that she will either treat me with an icy coolness, or she will talk to me like an aunt she sees every so often - cheery chit-chat and the like. I do have a suspicion based on a social media post I saw that makes me think she may be pregnant. I am grateful to have had time to process that possibility so she won't see my sadness. She couldn't possibly understand or care about the pain that news would bring me. This weekend is to celebrate my son, however, and I am ready to do that. 

In other news, I am tackling my new fitness goals with a vengeance, and had a huge personal accomplishment over the weekend. I am tremendously proud of myself, and excited to continue with my other goals for the running season. It's so empowering to have work pay off. 

I am also seeing someone. I had a moment of weakness a few months ago, and re-joined a dating site for all of about 48 hours. But I scheduled coffee with someone during that time. He is fit and very active, and has been part of my success in training in recent weeks. We don't have high pressure conversations about where our relationship is heading, or what the future holds. We simply enjoy spending time together. It's nice. Who knew that would be the key to dating happiness? :-D


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