# "I don't need it rubbed in my face all *** ****** day!"



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

That's what he said.

Ha! Sorry if my breaking down makes YOU feel like the pile of sh*t you are, sir.

Lets see. I put this out on my last thread and it was actually a shocker. I KNOW what I've been through.... but writing it out just makes the impact a little.... wow.


DDAY #1 - Mid July 2009.

I was 5 months post partum from the birth of our first child. This was the discovery of his EA with a mutual friend of ours. He dated her back in grade school.. so what, big deal. I shrugged this off when I met her. He was coming home to ME... it was a petty relationship. 

The EA BEGAN when I was only 1 month post partum. Before he even held our child for the first time. But he had witnessed her birth via webcam from Iraq. 

I found out a month after he came home.

He PLANNED to go see her before coming home to his child and me... He PLANNED to have sex with her. He said his guilty conscious got the best of him. But I saw the pictures on his phone.. I saw the e-mails they sent back and forth where I was hardly mentioned other than "Don't tell her."

It was all about his crazy sex dreams, his embarrassment, how he was shy about it, the WHAT IF'S... WHAT COULD HAVE BEENS.

Meanwhile I was at home with cracked nipples and a colicky baby.

He begged, pleaded, yadda yadda yadda.. Even threatened suicide. Said he would end the EA.. said he would have NC.

DDAY #2: June 29, 2011

This was discovering the EA never ended. We had gotten new phones and phone numbers 6 months prior to this DDAY. It was a coping mechanism for me - this way I knew she didn't have his number. It took me 6 months to look at the phone bill because I TRUSTED him... only to find out he sent her the first text on January 6th. That was 5 days after we received our new phones. He kept his convos with her to text because he was unaware our new carrier kept text logs, as our old carrier didn't.

He didn't beg, he lied. he blamed me for the problems in our marriage. I fell for it. I begged him to give me the chance to be the wife "he deserved." He agreed that we "could work on things when he came home" (deployment)

DDAY #3: September 27, 2011

This was after I was doing well with hiding my pain. I was even sending him sexy pictures and emails of what I was going to "do to him" when he came home. He was back in the sates as of Aug 30th. He would be HOME as of Oct 1. So, once month state side without me....

It took him 5 days from getting back state side to find a TV on Craigslist and meet up with IT in a hotel room. This DDAY, I discovered an email account with emails back and forth to FOUR PA partners (None of which were the EA partner).. These PA's were going on since 2009, shortly after DDAY #1........... 

I took my wedding ring off for the first time. It's still off.

I have picked this to the bone... I have called him names I'm ashamed of. I don't have a problem with gay people, some of my best friends are gay. But my own husband... bisexual? I called him a ******. A two faced, disgusting, lying little ******.

I break down and cry, I get angry. I get furious.

He got in my face and said he "Doesn't need it rubbed in his face all *** ****** day!"

Huh......... It's rubbed in my face every second of the day.... DOES HE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT?!


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A remorseful unfaithful husband would never utter such cruel words to his devastated betrayed wife. The fact that he said them shows how little he cares for your ordeal. The question is why do you want to stay married to such a person?


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

morituri said:


> A remorseful unfaithful husband would never utter such cruel words to his devastated betrayed wife. The fact that he said them shows how little he cares for your ordeal. The question is why do you want to stay married to such a person?


I know this...

and the answer is simply, I don't want to break up my family.

I want my child to have her mother and father in the same home. I don't want a part time child.

But...... I know this is probably out of reach by now.


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> That's what he said.
> 
> Ha! Sorry if my breaking down makes YOU feel like the pile of sh*t you are, sir.



A man like this needs to have divorce papers served to him.

Like you said, you have to live with what he did EVERY DAY.

But oh no, he expects to be able to skate by with it.

I think you need to contact an attorney, or just sit your H down and tell him you think he needs to move out and you 2 need to separate. But only if that is an option for you.

Personally I'd have told him to get out and wait for notice from my attorney if I were you.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

We can't always get what we want, but you know that already don't you?

Do you want to continue living in a one sided open marriage that benefits your husband at your expense?


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> I know this...
> 
> and the answer is simply, I don't want to break up my family.



I understand all that too well. I thought the same thing when trying to decide if I should stay married to my wife.

But in the end, it was HER that broke up the family, not me. And I wasn't going to go through life chained to a cheater who disgusted me.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So he has cheated on you & had sex with at least 5 people now?

And he talks to you like that?

Good luck.


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

You see, when my mom and dad divorced.. I was the child who wiped my mother's tears. Encouraged her to get up in the morning... smiled even though it broke my heart when she wouldn't smile back.

My brother ran away.

My sister blamed my mom and asked her "Why couldn't you just GET OVER IT?"




Why did my mom have to suffer that way? From my brother and sister? SHE did nothing wrong. I hated them for treating her that way. I don't want wrongful blame. I DID NOTHING WRONG.... The outcome of this marriage resting on MY shoulders is TOO MUCH to take.. it's NOT FAIR!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so you reassure your children better than your mother has

you let them know that they are loved and you will always protect them and that none of this is their fault.
(and you don't mope around or cry in front of them, you act strong even if you don't feel strong)

How old are your kids?

Plenty of children grow up in divorced households and grow up to be wonderful well adjusted adults


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your husband is a serial cheater and that is the worst kind.


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

The really sh*tty thing is, I realize a small part of me is still seeking hopeful words.

But it's clear that everyone in this thread is sure there IS NO hope for my marriage....

The sh*tty thing is, I'm still grasping for anything to hold on to, when it seems that there's nothing left.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sorry GN, but you should have filed a long time ago


----------



## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

You deserve better.

Your sister's judgement of your mom was wrong and unfair. You can't let that guide your decision here or assume the same thing will happen to you.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> sorry GN, but you should have filed a long time ago


I agree! My ex h is still a serial cheater and proud of it. He was was very abusive to me. This effects the kids like you wouldn't believe. Luckily my daughter has my husband in her life to show her what a real man is like.

You and your children do not deserve this. They will grow up thinking it's normal behavior and carry the same behavior into their own marriage. It's a vicious cycle. You need to be strong and get out. I did, then I found a wonderful man to boot. Not once has my current husband ever raised his voice at me. My ex h almost killed my daughter and I in a rage. What a difference a man makes. I'm so glad I left. He's gotten much worse verbally and I've heard from my caught he physically hit his current wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> You see, when my mom and dad divorced.. I was the child who wiped my mother's tears. Encouraged her to get up in the morning... smiled even though it broke my heart when she wouldn't smile back.
> 
> My brother ran away.
> 
> ...


I don't think it's ever a good idea to stay for your children. You need to think about yourself and your happiness. If you continue to live in a marriage that is filled with hate or resentment, your children will feel that, and that will have a greater impact on them then deciding to divorce your husband. It's hard to parent your children the way you would like to when you are miserable, and you will feel tremendous gilt over that.

Coming from a divorced home, yes, I was angry as a teenager, but it was because my parents didn't handle it properly, it was during the 70's when people just were not versed in that area. So my mom joined a single parent group in order for all of us to do activities with others in the same boat. She tried her best, but I needed more, I needed to know why her and my dad split up, all I got was silence. You will tell your child some of what went on, and believe me they will realize when they are much older that you made the right choice. I still remember saying to my mother years ago "why did you ever marry that man" referring to my dad. Then followed up with that I was glad she left him. She was releived I had said that, she had felt a lot of guilt that my dad was never around. We can laugh at it now since it's 30 some years ago, in terms of where my dad is now and how he lives his life.

So I guess my message is that you should never sacrifice yourself for the sake of what you think your children need. They need you to be a happy, self-fullfilled person who loves the person they are with. Don't carry this burden.


----------



## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm sorry for you. I kicked my h out today because I found out he was still seeing his ow! You deserve better, get rid asap
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

To answer the question about my child(ren)..

I only have one, a daughter. She's about to turn three.

I realize she's very young, but also very very smart. She DOES pick up on much more than I wish ... I try to be strong, but even pretending she still knows that something isn't quite right with her mommy. I was scared when I noticed my two year old child becoming depressed. She cried like I had never heard her cry before. 

My family has been supportive and try to take her "off my hands" for a while so I have room to be angry, and cry if need be.. but this seldom happens.

I know that if I make my choice QUICKLY - then she will not have a chance to remember the "bad" from this situation. The problem is being stuck in limbo. I'm not quite ready to try for R, but I'm not quite ready to head towards D yet, either.

Does everyone here think me crazy if I still want to be with him?


----------



## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

hey goingnowhere
sorry you are going through this s**t.....
sadly i feel that if you are going through all of this bad stuff quite early in your relationship then it doesn't bode at all well for the future and he seems to lack much in the way of remorse...
there are others out there who will love you in the way you should be loved and worshipped not trodden on..
love is always out there...short term pain for long term happiness...
good luck x


----------



## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

You're not crazy, just very confused right now and unsurprisingly so..you have all this stuff to try and grasp which is not of your doing, THAT'S crazy...


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

Thank you pcpain. 

I know it's possible for me to find love again.... but it scares me. And I still love my husband so much that I don't have sparks when I look at other men.

You know.. the giddy feeling when you lock eyes with someone of the opposite sex.. not necessarily that anything may happen.. but just that feeling of instant attraction.. for a moment and then it's gone just as quickly as they are. I haven't felt that since I met my husband... I haven't even locked eyes with another man since recent... about 2 or 3 weeks ago I actually started "allowing" myself to look men in the eye... It was a way of me gaining confidence.... and overcoming my fear.. and insecurity.

Oh I sound like a basket case.


----------



## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

you don't sound a basketcase at all, I know where you're coming from...when you are in a relationship you forget how to even glance at other people...your flirting skills have disappeared and you just feel self concious...all these things will come back once you have sorted your situation out one way or the other...you will be fine whatever you decide to do...
P


----------



## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

goingnowhere

look those other men in the eyes, tell yourself you are lovely, thrust out chest with pride and smile big!!!

P


----------



## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> so you reassure your children better than your mother has
> 
> you let them know that they are loved and you will always protect them and that none of this is their fault.
> (and you don't mope around or cry in front of them, you act strong even if you don't feel strong)
> ...


You always need to remember that it's not the divorce in itself that leads to maladjusted kids but how the parents handle it. 
This man does not deserve you. The only thing you teach your child is to take crap from other and inadvertantly s/he learns that behavior like your husband's is acceptable. You pretty much teach her/him that s/he should suffer? Do you really want that?
You can create a wonderful loving single-parent home for your kid - and hope that your (divorced) husband is willing to stay involved. If he's not, then - believe me- your better off without him anyways.


----------

