# Contact with exs



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I see a lot of posts on here regarding contact with Ex-lovers. It seem like most people have a problem with any kind of contact with someone of the opposite sex, and even more so if they are an ex-flame.

I was curious as to what everyone was thinking about this. I posted a topic similar to this about being "just friends" with the opposite sex, and it appeared that most people were no okay with that.

Personally, I think it's a little crazy to be so nervous about people of the opposite sex, if you are in a healthy relationship. I am friends with two of my exs and see one of them on a regular basis, and talk with all three of them, as well as being friends on facebook. My husband doesn't have any problem with this, as he knows that it's nothing more than a friendly relationship, and at times, professional. I spend time, one on one with an ex regularly, and still don't see that as being a problem. I can understand if there is a history of cheating, but that doesn't seem to generally be the case.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

I don't want my girlfriend hanging out with a guy who has at any time in the past inserted his penis into any orifice of her body.

End of story.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

It doesnt take much for friendships like that to turn into something more. Most of us feel that its better to avoid risky situations then to dive right into them. Plenty of previously loyal spouses in "healthy" relationships have found themselves in the midst of an affair "all of a sudden"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> I don't want my girlfriend hanging out with a guy who has at any time in the past inserted his penis into any orifice of her body.
> 
> End of story.


Being an ex, doesn't mean that they have been sexual. I'm glad that my husband doesn't feel that way.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Gaia said:


> It doesnt take much for friendships like that to turn into something more. Most of us feel that its better to avoid risky situations then to dive right into them. Plenty of previously loyal spouses in "healthy" relationships have found themselves in the midst of an affair "all of a sudden"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It only happens if you allow it to happen, or you bring that type of emotion into something that is purely friendship. I just cannot imagine not having these people in my life, and certainly cannot imagine them being anything more than what they currently are in my life.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well good for you tikii. However not everyone is capable of being just friends with an ex. Not to mention some ex's will try anything to sabatoge a current relationship. If the world were perfect... Everyone could be friends but its not. There are decietful, manipulative predators out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

Anything my husband could possibly get from a female friend, or an ex, he should be seeking from me. Call it possessive and controlling, or loving and caring, doesn't matter much to me. I imagine some people are far more laid back than I am, and have life-long friendships in the mix that they may place in equal standing with their spouse, but I don't.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

We don't DO opposite sex friendships but hey if it works for then that's awesome. There are plenty here that do that. I've read their stories.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm not saying that everyone can, or should be friends with an ex, but I don't think it's fair to say I'm cheating, or will cheat because I've retained friendships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Jane_Doe said:


> Anything my husband could possibly get from a female friend, or an ex, he should be seeking from me. Call it possessive and controlling, or loving and caring, doesn't matter much to me. I imagine some people are far more laid back than I am, and have life-long friendships in the mix that they may place in equal standing with their spouse, but I don't.


 Who said anything about getting anything other than friendship and common interest it out of an ex? Additional friendships are something I cannot get from my husband. They are necessary in the case of two of my exs. 

I also never stated, nor implied that these friendships were in equal standing with my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

For me it's on a case by case basis.

I know people who are still freinds with their ex' and nothing will ever go on between them.

Shoot one of my brothers has his ex and his wife's ex over to a lot of the time. They have children with their exs. So they have been very good about working this out. Even to the point of allowing ex's to spend days at their house to visit the children when they lived in another state. I have a lot of respect for by brother, his wife and even their exs for being mature enough to do this and not cause problems in each other's relationships.

My brother and SIL have 6 children and a lot of grand children between his, her and theirs. They have all benefited from this.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

My aunt and uncle have a similar situation. He is always welcome at family events, as is his girlfriend and "stepson". I love the way the family functions, even after the divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Tikii said:


> Being an ex, doesn't mean that they have been sexual. I'm glad that my husband doesn't feel that way.


Which one- your first, second or third?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I dont think anyone here accused you of cheating. I know I explained that with alot of cases like this... It normally ends in affairs which is why alot of people wont do the friends with ex's thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I've only had one long term relationship in my life. That was my ex husband. I was with him for 15 years total. Now, going on two years after our divorce, I have a new boyfriend. I am not friends with my ex. I dated a small handful of men after my divorce but was not serious about any of them and none of them lasted very long. However the boyfriend I am with now, it is a committed relationship.

I am not friends with any of the men I dated. I have no contact with them. I have no reason to. I do not believe my current BF would be comfortable with it if I was. I believe my man needs to have the confidence that he is the ONLY man for me.

Personally, if I knew he was speaking with any of his ex girlfriends, I would feel very insecure about it.

If your husband is okay with your relationships with your exes, then I hope it stays that way. I hope he would not feel he may have to ask you to chose him or them.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

really wouldn't have the option of telling me to choose. My relationship with two of the exs is friendly professional. To add, he is also good friends with one of them, and an acquaintance with the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Tikii said:


> really wouldn't have the option of telling me to choose. My relationship with two of the exs is friendly professional. To add, he is also good friends with one of them, and an acquaintance with the other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This by itself is disrespectful of your spouse. You said you couldn't imagine not being friends with two of your ex's and now state that you would place them above your spouses wishes that you stop seeing them. These are "Not just friends". You might benefit by reading Dr. Glass' book of that title.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

KanDo said:


> This by itself is disrespectful of your spouse. You said you couldn't immage not being friends with two of your ex's and now state that you would place them above your spouses wishes that you stop seeing them. These are "Not just friends". You might benefit by reading Dr. Glass' book of that title.


I am in no way being disrespectful of my husband nor am I putting anything above him. These are just friends, and there's no reason to read any book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Syaing he wouldn't have the option to tell you to chose is disrespectful and puting your "friendship" above your spouse, in my opinion. Your responses just confirm that they aren't just friends.

I hope it continues to work out for you.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I never said I was the one controlling that option, and it is not disrespectful to have professional friendly relationships with an ex or any other person who keeps it within boundaries. I am in no way disrespectful to my husband, nor am I having any type of affair as you are implying. It may not work that way for you, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work for us.

It will work out wonderfully, thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Being friends with opposite sex exes is highly risky business.
Old flames reignite easily especially during periods of conflict between spouses.
In any event,time and emotional energy that should be invested in the marriage ends up going toward these friendships.

I have lots of female fiends but none of them are my exes.
I dumped my exes for a reason.
This is just my opinion.

However, to the OP,
If you choose to have friendships with your exes, at least your husband should have a veto power.
If he also has friendship with his exes,you should also hold a veto power.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tikii said:


> really wouldn't have the option of telling me to choose. My relationship with two of the exs is friendly professional. To add, he is also good friends with one of them, and an acquaintance with the other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This means nothing. Read more over at the cwi section. God/evolution gave 
us agreat tool called jealousy. If you don't use it , don't be shocked when it all hits the fan.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I agree that in general contact should be avoided. But there can be exceptions. I discovered fifteen years ago that my first love was in trouble, could use some help. After a lot of discussion with darling wife, we agreed I should get in touch, see what I could do to help. This was after 23 years without contact. It has worked out fine; we are now all three friends; my marriage has not been harmed.

I did pledge to my wife before resuming contact that I would be totally transparent with her and do nothing she was unhappy about. I have kept my word.

Though it was not the goal, the renewed contact has helped heal some old wounds of mine from forty years ago.

I will always be grateful to my wife for her generosity in this as in so many other matters


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

chapparal said:


> This means nothing. Read more over at the cwi section. God/evolution gave
> us agreat tool called jealousy. If you don't use it , don't be shocked when it all hits the fan.


I don't see the need to jump to the conclusion of infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

Tikii said:


> Who said anything about getting anything other than friendship and common interest it out of an ex? Additional friendships are something I cannot get from my husband. They are necessary in the case of two of my exs.
> 
> I also never stated, nor implied that these friendships were in equal standing with my marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When I said 'anything', I meant absolutely anything, from common interests and friendship, to an inside joke, to the other, unseemly kind of 'anythings' one can potentially get from an ex. I would rather get all these things from my husband.

But I'm not the type of person who has 'additional friendships' as a need. Being social as a couple with other couples for a few hours here and there is about as social as I get, and those couples are usually related to us anyway.

So we're different people, and I was giving my perspective, which is what you asked for in your OP. And as a couple of people have also noticed, you saying things like 'I cannot imagine not having them in my life' and 'my husband wouldn't have the option to tell me to choose' is what gave me the impression that these friendships are in equal standing to your marriage. 

I wasn't even saying it judgmentally, because I understand some people have a different kind of love for friends that I've never been able to achieve. But if they are not at all in equal standing to your marriage, then perhaps your wording is coming across incorrectly and I apologise for mis-interpreting.

Only you and your husband have any say in your friendships, certainly I don't.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm sorry I'm able to catch snide comments. I cannot imagine not having them in my life, that's a fact, but it does not mean they hold equal standing. I cannot imagine not having them in my life, as they are my fellow firefighters. They are a dedicated group of me who have always had my back, while I have theirs. There is a level of trust and a bond that is required to be comfortable going into a burning building with someone. One of my exs has that. My husband does not have the option of vetoing the friendship as I stated it is a professional friendship, within the fire service, as I am their senior officer, training officer and fellow firefighters. Another ex is a firefighter as well, but does not have the level of friendship that I have with the other. I will not put my life in his hands, but we maintain a professional friendship. The third is a Navy officer I have known for 10 years. He is a friend whom I remain in contact with because I care about his well being, and keeping touch with those back home is important to him. 

The vast majority of my friends are men, whom I spend one on one time with, as well as group time with, most of which is seeded within my career choice. They call me baby, sweetie, love, beautiful or drill sargent bjtch. The relationship I have with each of them is professional, but a type of relationship that is necessary. It's a family, and a part of our life. I'm not cheating, or putting these relationships above my husband, and we have an impressive level of transparency that allows this type of relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

You think I'm being snide, I think you're being defensive. We're probably both just sharing our opinions on a topic in a forum.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

LOL, Ok....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Tikii said:


> really wouldn't have the option of telling me to choose. My relationship with two of the exs is friendly professional.


You wouldn't respect his wishes to discontinue a relationship with your ex's because, as you put it "it's friendly and professional" as if that would naturally address all his concerns and if he isn't satisfied with it then too freaking bad.

Nice.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> You wouldn't respect his wishes to discontinue a relationship with your ex's because, as you put it "it's friendly and professional" as if that would naturally address all his concerns and if he isn't satisfied with it then too freaking bad.
> 
> Nice.


 Not the case at all, nice assumption. Try reading back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Tikii, what I don't understand is why start getting defensive about it? Your husband is ok with it, that's really all that matters. What difference does it make if OUR spouses and WE are not ok with it on OUR marriages? It works for you, great. It doesn't work for us. 

But what I find curious is that if your husband expressed concern over your friendships, you are saying he would have to just suck it up, that you refuse to cut your friends out to make your HUSBAND happy, no matter what. Sorry, you may disagree, butt hat in itself is very telling.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I don't believe in cutting off half the world to benefit one person, but I completely believe in prioritizing my partner & relationship above all other relationships so long as it doesn't harm myself. Since I remained friendly with my exes, this meant that I did not go out and socialize with them. They're on my social networks for the most part, but if there's any one-on-one communication, I notify my husband the same day and offer him access to it. The two men I dated who aren't on my social networks are one who said he's still in love with me and the one who made disrespectful statements about my husband. My husband has told me he's fine with me meeting up for a drink or lunch with one guy I dated who I think highly of as a friend, but both he and I have avoided doing so until my husband can be there too.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Tikii, what I don't understand is why start getting defensive about it? Your husband is ok with it, that's really all that matters. What difference does it make if OUR spouses and WE are not ok with it on OUR marriages? It works for you, great. It doesn't work for us.
> 
> But what I find curious is that if your husband expressed concern over your friendships, you are saying he would have to just suck it up, that you refuse to cut your friends out to make your HUSBAND happy, no matter what. Sorry, you may disagree, butt hat in itself is very telling.


I don't feel I am being defensive. I am responding to accusations against myself and my marriage. The numerous private messages I have recieved telling me how horrible I am is astounding. I understand that some marriages cannot handle the situation, but it doesn't mean that no marriages can. That's the point, it works great for us, so why must I be accused of being a cheating ***** for it?

I will again state, that it would not be my choice, nor his. I explained the situation with my exs, and they are beyond my control. He lives the same life style and understands that. I am not refusing to cut my friends, it isn't that simple. I cannot cut them.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I don't believe in cutting off half the world to benefit one person, but I completely believe in prioritizing my partner & relationship above all other relationships so long as it doesn't harm myself.


This is how we feel as well


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Tikii said:


> Not the case at all, nice assumption. Try reading back.


I read back. I read the entire thread, again. I made no assumption. You would not meet a significant other's requests to discontinue daily one on one "interactions" with ex's although in your case, at the moment, you happen to be with a guy who apparently has no issue with it.



Tikii said:


> The numerous private messages I have recieved telling me how horrible I am is astounding. I understand that some marriages cannot handle the situation, but it doesn't mean that no marriages can. That's the point, it works great for us, so why must I be accused of being a cheating ***** for it?


Because most people don't see it the way you do.

You have a rather atypical way of looking at things. That doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong just don't expect a pat on the back for it.

Liike I said if you were my significant other and said that discontinuing relationships with ex's was "not an option" you'd be kicked to the curb in a heartbeat. 

Glad you found a guy who puts up with that sort of thing and I hope he doesn't live to regret it.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

There seems to be something about these "friends" you refuse to let go of.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> *I don't believe in cutting off half the world to benefit one person,* but I completely believe in prioritizing my partner & relationship above all other relationships so long as it doesn't harm myself. Since I remained friendly with my exes, this meant that I did not go out and socialize with them. They're on my social networks for the most part, but if there's any one-on-one communication, I notify my husband the same day and offer him access to it. The two men I dated who aren't on my social networks are one who said he's still in love with me and the one who made disrespectful statements about my husband. My husband has told me he's fine with me meeting up for a drink or lunch with one guy I dated who I think highly of as a friend, but both he and I have avoided doing so until my husband can be there too.


Who said anything about cutting off half the world for a SO? We are talking about exes here. I have a cousin who married one of my ex-boyfriends. I have him on Facebook, as well as her. If my husband asked me to remove him, I would do it in a heartbeat. I have him there in case I need to get in contact with my cousin and can't get ahold of HER. I don't talk to him otherwise. We are not close friends. We are not close colleagues. We are not close anything. As for other men in general? Again, if my husband wasn't comfortable with the contact, it would end. I don't have ANY close male friends. But I do have male friends. He has female friends, but THEY are not close to him. Again, if either of us has a problem with OSF, they're gone. It's just the way we work.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> I read back. I read the entire thread, again. I made no assumption. You would not meet a significant other's requests to discontinue daily one on one "interactions" with ex's although in your case, at the moment, you happen to be with a guy who apparently has no issue with it.
> Because most people don't see it the way you do.
> 
> You have a rather atypical way of looking at things. That doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong just don't expect a pat on the back for it.
> ...


I do not have daily one on one contact with my ex. I have regular one on one contact, in a professional setting. I would not be able to make the decision to sever contact with the two I have regular contact with, as I stated in a previous reply. It is work related. 

I do not expect a pat on the back, I do however expect a little respect, in that I expect not to be accused of ****ing around on my husband. Luckily I have a man who understands that I am his, and that isn't going to change just because I have one on one contact with someone of the opposite sex. 

There's nothing for him to regret.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

January said:


> There seems to be something about these "friends" you refuse to let go of.


These are great men who risk their lives for complete strangers, and have my back in life threatening situations. I work with them, and trust them to no end.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Who said anything about cutting off half the world for a SO? We are talking about exes here. I have a cousin who married one of my ex-boyfriends. I have him on Facebook, as well as her. If my husband asked me to remove him, I would do it in a heartbeat. I have him there in case I need to get in contact with my cousin and can't get ahold of HER. I don't talk to him otherwise. We are not close friends. We are not close colleagues. We are not close anything. As for other men in general? Again, if my husband wasn't comfortable with the contact, it would end. I don't have ANY close male friends. But I do have male friends. He has female friends, but THEY are not close to him. Again, if either of us has a problem with OSF, they're gone. It's just the way we work.


Other than my male friends in the fire service, I would cut any male friend for my husband.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Tikii said:


> I do not have daily one on one contact with my ex. I have regular one on one contact, in a professional setting. I would not be able to make the decision to sever contact with the two I have regular contact with, as I stated in a previous reply. It is work related.


Oh, the contact is "work related"!

Why didn't you just say that your only contact with these ex boyfriends is through work, rather than saying:



Tikii said:


> The third is a Navy officer I have known for 10 years. He is a friend whom I remain in contact with because I care about his well being





Tikii said:


> I am friends with two of my exs and see one of them on a regular basis, and talk with all three of them, as well as being friends on facebook.





Tikii said:


> I just cannot imagine not having these people in my life


Because when you put it this way it's obvious that you have much more contact with them than is necessitated "through work".

You seem to have trouble establishing boundaries of work versus pleasure. 



Tikii said:


> There's nothing for him to regret.


Yet.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Oh, the contact is "work related"!
> 
> Why didn't you just say that your only contact with these ex boyfriends is through work, rather than saying:
> 
> ...


The one in the Navy, I haven't seen in person in more than 7 years. We talk only though text once every month-3 months. Which consists of nothing more than how he is doing, how I am doing etc. I cannot imagine not having him in my life, because I care about his well being, and the fact that he is in the military would make me constantly wonder if he was okay, if I didn't have that reassurance. I have no interest beyond that.

Seeing the one ex on a regular basis, and not wanting to no longer be a part of my life, by no means that I have too much contact with them, nor does it mean that it's more than is necessary for work.

The one I see regularly and talk to regularly is my partner, and I am his direct officer. We work together, know each other well, and depend on the other for our lives. I cannot imagine not having him in my life because he is amazing firefighter, and one of the very few that I truly trust to enter a burning building with. He makes a positive impact on my life, which doesn't involve anything beyond friendship and partnership in the work place.

I have no problem with boundaries. Ours are simply different than yours.

My husband won't have anything to regret from this situation, or in general.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Tikii said:


> I cannot imagine not having him in my life because he is amazing firefighter


Oh he's an amazing firefighter! Why didn't you just say so the first time!

All is forgiven.














/sarcasm off


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Tikii said:


> Seeing the one ex on a regular basis, and not wanting to no longer be a part of my life, by no means that I have too much contact with them, nor does it mean that it's more than is necessary for work.


What does this even mean??


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I don't think it's fair to make assumptions about someone not on the forum (this lady's husband). If he genuinely doesn't have a problem with it, then there's genuinely no problem. 

I know a couple back in England who have mixed male/female friends, since their individual social groups got inter-connected when they went to Uni together then got married. Sometimes they go out as a couple, sometimes on their own, in mixed gender company, and have drinks and probably fall all over one another and have bodily contact when dancing and all that stuff. And they trust each other, they trust their friends, their partner's friends, and it's not even an issue, it's so far from being an issue that it's not even a non-issue, it's less than that. The friendships have gone on for so long, that the sexuality isn't, can't, won't ever, be there. Like I said, it's a level of friendship intimacy/love that doesn't involve any kind of sex or desire.

It's another side to the story, and it shows it can work in some cases. It's not 'better' or 'worse' to have this setup, it's just not personally possible for me, and apparently some angry forum-goers. I'm someone who can only be friends with people I 'click' really well with. I don't do unrelated, casual acquaintances (outside of being nice to people at work), and I avoid 'clicking' with guys because it'd only be a giant mess for everyone. Last time I clicked with a guy I travelled 3000 miles and married him.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

So, Tikii, just so I have this straight...your husband is also a firefighter, but for a different station? And he is in regular contact with exes in his department as well, right? Is that why he is so understanding about it? Because he is "in the business" himself?

And, FWIW, I do understand that as long as you are working with these people, you need to know that they have your back and they need to know that you have theirs. I get that. I just wouldn't trust that any of my ex-boyfriends would have my back...save for one. And really, the only reason I would possibly believe he would is because we are family. Family takes care of family. Otherwise, not a chance in hell that any of them would give me a second thought, nor I them.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Oh he's an amazing firefighter! Why didn't you just say so the first time!
> 
> All is forgiven.
> 
> /sarcasm off


You are very bitter, did your spouse leave you for an opposite sex friend?


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> So, Tikii, just so I have this straight...your husband is also a firefighter, but for a different station? And he is in regular contact with exes in his department as well, right? Is that why he is so understanding about it? Because he is "in the business" himself?
> 
> And, FWIW, I do understand that as long as you are working with these people, you need to know that they have your back and they need to know that you have theirs. I get that. I just wouldn't trust that any of my ex-boyfriends would have my back...save for one. And really, the only reason I would possibly believe he would is because we are family. Family takes care of family. Otherwise, not a chance in hell that any of them would give me a second thought, nor I them.


My husband is also a firefighter, in the same department. He is an office at our "Station 2" location, while I am an officer with "Station 1". They are the same department, we consider ourself one station, as does our dispatch system. All training, classes etc are done at "Station 1". My husband also works on an ambulance, often being alone with women, whom I may or may not know for 13-24 hours at a time. He is on a friendly basis with them, as it is required for work. I have no problem with this either. My husband however, is friends with the ex that I see regularly, and works with him, and sees him on a one on one basis as well. 

My husband really only has one ex, whom he is not on good terms with, and would rather never hear from again if he can help. He does have female friends he casually dated on his facebook. That doesn't bother me at all.

The fire department IS family to us. (Really it is, my father is now the Chief, my cousin is Captain, my best friend is dating the Captain, my husband is a Lieutenant etc)


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Jane_Doe said:


> If he genuinely doesn't have a problem with it, then there's genuinely no problem.


I disagree. This isnt about her husband or what he thinks, it has little to nothing to do with whether the other person has a problem with it.

It has everything to do with a person being so self centered and uncaring and inconsiderate of their partner that they would put their relationships with their ex's above the needs of their current relationship partners.

Its great that he doesn't care, because if he did, the relationship would be over because as she put it, "giving up those ex's isn't an option".


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I see a lot of posts on here regarding contact with Ex-lovers. It seem like most people have a problem with any kind of contact with someone of the opposite sex, and even more so if they are an ex-flame.
> 
> I was curious as to what everyone was thinking about this. I posted a topic similar to this about being "just friends" with the opposite sex, and it appeared that most people were no okay with that.
> 
> Personally, I think it's a little crazy to be so nervous about people of the opposite sex, if you are in a healthy relationship. I am friends with two of my exs and see one of them on a regular basis, and talk with all three of them, as well as being friends on facebook. My husband doesn't have any problem with this, as he knows that it's nothing more than a friendly relationship, and at times, professional. I spend time, one on one with an ex regularly, and still don't see that as being a problem. I can understand if there is a history of cheating, but that doesn't seem to generally be the case.


Some people have to get burned to understand. 

ALL marriages go through ups and downs. There does not have to be physical cheating to damage a marriage. EXs are a conflict of interest. They are forever a rival. 

The fact your husband is ok with this is half the battle. Meaning at least you are not doing this behind his back. 

Hanging out one on one with EXs is essentially dating. So you guys have some level of an open marriage. The assumption here is that sexual activities are forbidden. But is it certainly open on the empotional level. ALL marrige have a level of openess and a degree of monogamy. 

That said how old are you and your husband?

Good luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tikii said:


> It only happens if you allow it to happen, or you bring that type of emotion into something that is purely friendship. I just cannot imagine not having these people in my life, and certainly cannot imagine them being anything more than what they currently are in my life.


No. Without being offensive this attitude totally discounts brain chemicals. brain chemicals are released as part of the whole mating ritual / dance of hanging out and dating and so on. 

The fact you cannot imagine these people in your life is a red flag. It means you are a deep emotional attachment. What you can and cannot imagine is all well and good. But life does not work that way. Life is about discovering the unimagined. You are being very naive. But this is very natural. It is why humans have populated the planet. It is natural to form bonds, fall in love and so on.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I'm not saying that everyone can, or should be friends with an ex, but I don't think it's fair to say I'm cheating, or will cheat because I've retained friendships.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is not just about chreating at all. Marriage are destroyed way before any cheating happens in these cases.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I don't feel I am being defensive. I am responding to accusations against myself and my marriage. The numerous private messages I have recieved telling me how horrible I am is astounding. I understand that some marriages cannot handle the situation, but it doesn't mean that no marriages can. That's the point, it works great for us, so why must I be accused of being a cheating ***** for it?
> 
> I will again state, that it would not be my choice, nor his. I explained the situation with my exs, and they are beyond my control. He lives the same life style and understands that. I am not refusing to cut my friends, it isn't that simple. *I cannot cut them.*


We are all in control of what we can and cannot do. Maybe you are in the military and are not able to quit or change. Other than that you can change if you wanted to. I am not saying you should. You have made up your mind. But I suggest that saying you do not control this is a fallacy.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Military/LEO people forge extremely strong partnerships which are not sexual. She seems to be there.

But just like some people would lose a spouse rather than lose a job or one's art, she seems to put these non-sexual relationships above her husband BECAUSE they are part of the dedication to her job.

So the question is 'if your husband asked you to quit your job, would you do it?

I'm guessing after the usual evasions of 'he would never ask me to do that' that the answer would be 'no'. Like these men (non sexually), the job is part of her identity which is probably more important than her husband. This isn't to say that hubby isn't pretty important, but is he most important. And according to her responses, the answer is no.

Some spouses are knowingly okay with that. Most are unaware until some critical juncture. 

Only she knows for sure how accurate these guesses are. As a woman who is rather high ranked in a mostly male field, I'm guessing she has a significant investment in the job/identity and friendships involved with the position.

Nothing wrong with that but it is what it is. If hubby and fire buddy were both in trouble in a building...well I'm not sure she knows which guy she'd head to first.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How many men do you work with that you have had a physical relationship with?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

JCD said:


> Military/LEO people forge extremely strong partnerships which are not sexual. She seems to be there.
> 
> But just like some people would lose a spouse rather than lose a job or one's art, she seems to put these non-sexual relationships above her husband BECAUSE they are part of the dedication to her job.
> 
> ...


Indeed. My EA was a workplace EA. It was in a very intense environment. This is the most common type of EA. A group of us were very much like family. I was very naive then however. I have learned much since then. 

But when she says EXs who really knows what that really means. Perhaps she dated some of her coworkers in the past. She seems very young. Not that that is a bad thing. 

In her case these guys do not sound like EXs at all. She says they were not sexual. So we can assume no penetration I guess. She also pruposely talks about her one on one time. Then she insists it is professional. Not sure what this really means. I guess we can assume she does not hangout at the guys homes and drink with them ... 

But how ever much spin goes with this, there is definite risk.

This all said, her circumstance is not what most of us refer to a being in conatct with an EX IMO.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

chapparal said:


> How many men do you work with that you have had a physical relationship with?


Yes, I noticed that too. She lives her job and it's likely that she only values guys with the same dedication she has.

Or it could just be that is where most people meet their partners.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Tikii said:


> I see a lot of posts on here regarding contact with Ex-lovers. It seem like most people have a problem with any kind of contact with someone of the opposite sex, and even more so if they are an ex-flame.
> 
> I was curious as to what everyone was thinking about this. I posted a topic similar to this about being "just friends" with the opposite sex, and it appeared that most people were no okay with that.
> 
> Personally, I think it's a little crazy to be so nervous about people of the opposite sex, if you are in a healthy relationship. I am friends with two of my exs and see one of them on a regular basis, and talk with all three of them, as well as being friends on facebook. My husband doesn't have any problem with this, as he knows that it's nothing more than a friendly relationship, and at times, professional. I spend time, one on one with an ex regularly, and still don't see that as being a problem. I can understand if there is a history of cheating, but that doesn't seem to generally be the case.


In my 1st marriage (22 yrs.), my husband & I were NOT friends with any of our ex-lovers when we met. It's just the way it was. I know he would have had a problem if I met one-on-one with an ex but again, it never came up. 

In my current marriage (2 yrs) we both now have ex-spouses. We NEVER hang out with them one-on-one. All of our children are grown & we both feel it is inappropriate do things with our ex-spouse w/o the other present.

It's interesting because my daughters (early 20's) don't hang out with ex boyfriends. I don't think their current boyfriends would approve but I'm not sure.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> In her case these guys do not sound like EXs at all. She says they were not sexual. So we can assume no penetration I guess.


Where did you get that she was not sexual with these ex's? I reread the entire thread and didn't see that at all.

My impression is that she was banging several guys in the fire department at one time or another and now they just handle one another's hoses.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> I disagree. This isnt about her husband or what he thinks, it has little to nothing to do with whether the other person has a problem with it.
> 
> It has everything to do with a person being so self centered and uncaring and inconsiderate of their partner that they would put their relationships with their ex's above the needs of their current relationship partners.
> 
> Its great that he doesn't care, because if he did, the relationship would be over because as she put it, "giving up those ex's isn't an option".


I'm hardly self centered or uncaring toward my partner. Our relationship would not be over, because my husband knows that the friendships I have are no threat to him. He doesn't even see these guys as my exs. I do not either to be honest. I rarely even think about the time we dated. The way we are as friends is the same as it is with my other male friends in this career. There's nothing special because they are previous boyfriends.

As I've stated over and over "giving up the 'exs", is not my decision. While I am an officer, that isn't my call to make and I will still be working with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Some people have to get burned to understand.
> 
> ALL marriages go through ups and downs. There does not have to be physical cheating to damage a marriage. EXs are a conflict of interest. They are forever a rival.
> 
> ...


I am in no way dating my exs. Being friends doesn't mean dating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> We are all in control of what we can and cannot do. Maybe you are in the military and are not able to quit or change. Other than that you can change if you wanted to. I am not saying you should. You have made up your mind. But I suggest that saying you do not control this is a fallacy.


I am not in control of it. It's amazing how people here know my life and my relationship and my life so well and I don't...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Tikii said:


> I'm hardly self centered or uncaring toward my partner. Our relationship would not be over, because my husband knows that the friendships I have are no threat to him. He doesn't even see these guys as my exs. I do not either to be honest. I rarely even think about the time we dated. The way we are as friends is the same as it is with my other male friends in this career. There's nothing special because they are previous boyfriends.
> 
> As I've stated over and over "giving up the 'exs", is not my decision. While I am an officer, that isn't my call to make and I will still be working with them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think we are running into a communication issue.

Okay I think most people here would understand being in a WORK relationship with an ex. Sometimes life is like that and short of a rather uncomfortable transfer, what are you going to do?

But most don't understand a PERSONAL relationship with these men.

There is one huge question unanswered (heck, unasked). Are these ex's ex BOYFRIENDS or ex LOVERS. That is a significant difference.

Additionally, I find your answer a bit of a cop out. IF your husband asked you to trade partners because he saw some 'friendly' grab ass he was uncomfortable with or Navy boy sent what hubby saw as a come on but you saw as a joke'joke', would you?


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

JCD said:


> Nothing wrong with that but it is what it is. If hubby and fire buddy were both in trouble in a building...well I'm not sure she knows which guy she'd head to first.


I would put my life on the line for both of them. I would certainly go after both, but my husband would be my priority. However, rules and regulations prevent both of us being on the same crew to prevent this situation. We were not permitted to be on the same vehicle if it can be helped which is where I get a lot of one on one time with my ex and the other men. It also prevents bickering. I love my husband but I cannot work with him on an emergency scene. We end up wanting to strangle the other... lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

JCD said:


> I think we are running into a communication issue.
> 
> Okay I think most people here would understand being in a WORK relationship with an ex. Sometimes life is like that and short of a rather uncomfortable transfer, what are you going to do?
> 
> ...


In the fire service work becomes friendships. As I said before, there is a level of trust and a certain bond that's formed within the department that crosses over to a friendship, not just someone you work with. 

We rotate partners on a certain basis, and being an officer, I get to choose who I work with at times. If he asked me to try not to spend time with a particular person I would do so to the best of my ability, but it wouldn't be possible at all times. Id likely be a little hurt and possibly resentful, but I'd try to make him happy. The Navy friend Id still insist on contact, even if it meant my husband checking every message to make him feel better, because like all of my military friends I need to know they are ok. If he wasn't ok with that, I'd have my ex contact him directly to pass the message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

chapparal said:


> How many men do you work with that you have had a physical relationship with?


What do you define as a physical relationship? I've had two if you are referring to sexual, and two dating relationships. One of the sexual being my husband. The one that I'm close to, was not a physical relationship and we were quite young at the time. He is also married, with two beautiful children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Where did you get that she was not sexual with these ex's? I reread the entire thread and didn't see that at all.
> 
> My impression is that she was banging several guys in the fire department at one time or another and now they just handle one another's hoses.


No I was not "banging" several guys at the fire department. I had a whopping TWO sexual relationships with one being my husband. The ex I am close with, was never a sexual or particularly physical relationship and it as nearly 10 years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

Tikii said:


> I'm sorry I'm able to catch snide comments. I cannot imagine not having them in my life, that's a fact, but it does not mean they hold equal standing. I cannot imagine not having them in my life, as they are my fellow firefighters. They are a dedicated group of me who have always had my back, while I have theirs. There is a level of trust and a bond that is required to be comfortable going into a burning building with someone. One of my exs has that. My husband does not have the option of vetoing the friendship as I stated it is a professional friendship, within the fire service, as I am their senior officer, training officer and fellow firefighters. Another ex is a firefighter as well, but does not have the level of friendship that I have with the other. I will not put my life in his hands, but we maintain a professional friendship. The third is a Navy officer I have known for 10 years. He is a friend whom I remain in contact with because I care about his well being, and keeping touch with those back home is important to him.
> 
> The vast majority of my friends are men, whom I spend one on one time with, as well as group time with, most of which is seeded within my career choice. They call me baby, sweetie, love, beautiful or drill sargent bjtch. The relationship I have with each of them is professional, but a type of relationship that is necessary. It's a family, and a part of our life. I'm not cheating, or putting these relationships above my husband, and we have an impressive level of transparency that allows this type of relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're full of it! There is no way my ex is gonna be calling her baby, sweetie,or any of Those names. Firefighter or not! That is very disrespectful to your husband. The fact that you spend one on one time with these guys is even more disrespectful. The fact that you posted about it in the first place tells me you know it's wrong as well. Stop being an ostrich! You're playing with fire lady!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Tikii said:


> No I was not "banging" several guys at the fire department. I had a whopping TWO sexual relationships with one being my husband. The ex I am close with, was never a sexual or particularly physical relationship and it as nearly 10 years ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That changes everything. There is not the same level of 'threat' from a guy you just swapped spit with than one you actually had sex with.


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

Tikii said:


> I do not have daily one on one contact with my ex. I have regular one on one contact, in a professional setting. I would not be able to make the decision to sever contact with the two I have regular contact with, as I stated in a previous reply. It is work related.
> 
> I do not expect a pat on the back, I do however expect a little respect, in that I expect not to be accused of ****ing around on my husband. Luckily I have a man who understands that I am his, and that isn't going to change just because I have one on one contact with someone of the opposite sex.
> 
> There's nothing for him to regret.


Sounds you like you have yourself a sucker! Your man needs to "man up" !


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I'm sorry I'm able to catch snide comments. I cannot imagine not having them in my life, that's a fact, but it does not mean they hold equal standing. I cannot imagine not having them in my life, as they are my fellow firefighters. They are a dedicated group of me who have always had my back, while I have theirs. There is a level of trust and a bond that is required to be comfortable going into a burning building with someone. One of my exs has that. My husband does not have the option of vetoing the friendship as I stated it is a professional friendship, within the fire service, as I am their senior officer, training officer and fellow firefighters. Another ex is a firefighter as well, but does not have the level of friendship that I have with the other. I will not put my life in his hands, but we maintain a professional friendship. The third is a Navy officer I have known for 10 years. He is a friend whom I remain in contact with because I care about his well being, and keeping touch with those back home is important to him.
> 
> The vast majority of my friends are men, whom I spend one on one time with, as well as group time with, most of which is seeded within my career choice. They call me baby, sweetie, love, beautiful or drill sargent bjtch. The relationship I have with each of them is professional, but a type of relationship that is necessary. It's a family, and a part of our life. I'm not cheating, or putting these relationships above my husband, and we have an impressive level of transparency that allows this type of relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm wondering what has prompted you to come onto TAM and even bring this all up then. Just curious?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok OP your deluding yourself. First of all... Proffessional relationships do not require one on one time with co workers outside of work. That is not a necessity... Its a want. Proffessional relationships do not consist of names like... "honey, sweety, ect." They consist of excuse me ma'am, seargent, miss, ect. Not seargent bytch. Those are terms of endearment and highly unproffessional.

You can sit here and try to say you have to do this with wx's, co workers, ect but the truth is.. No you dont. Its not a necessesity to see these men outside of work nor is it a necessity to flirt with them. You know this, you just choose to blur the line from being professional to being personal so you can lap up the extra attention.

It doesnt matter what field of work your in... There are rules, boundaries, ect. Now clearly you have a personal relationship with your co workers and clearly its fine with your husband. Great, if it works for you then thats awesome but dont sit there and try to say its all strictly professional when its clearly not. 

Alot of people are not comfortable with that sort of artangement and just because you are doesnt mean they should be. Some of us are far more territorial and jealous when it comes to our spouse and clearly some, like you, are perfectly comfortable doing whatever.

Now hopefully you understand why alot of us arent ok with contact with ex's. If not feel free to ask for a better explination.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Did I miss where she flirted with them? And is the one on one time grabbing lunch after a call or a grocery run or is it a LUNCH?


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

DayDream said:


> I'm wondering what has prompted you to come onto TAM and even bring this all up then. Just curious?


Infertility, and boredom. Our relationship is wonderful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Ok OP your deluding yourself. First of all... Proffessional relationships do not require one on one time with co workers outside of work. That is not a necessity... Its a want. Proffessional relationships do not consist of names like... "honey, sweety, ect." They consist of excuse me ma'am, seargent, miss, ect. Not seargent bytch. Those are terms of endearment and highly unproffessional.
> 
> You can sit here and try to say you have to do this with wx's, co workers, ect but the truth is.. No you dont. Its not a necessesity to see these men outside of work nor is it a necessity to flirt with them. You know this, you just choose to blur the line from being professional to being personal so you can lap up the extra attention.
> 
> ...


I didn't say I have one on one time outside of work, the vast majority of the time is at work. 

That's find that other people's relationships can't handle this, but don't accuse me of cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

JCD said:


> Did I miss where she flirted with them? And is the one on one time grabbing lunch after a call or a grocery run or is it a LUNCH?


I don't flirt with them, and for the record the exs aren't the ones who jokingly call me baby, sweetie etc. 
Generally the one on one time is while we were sitting in a fire truck, or at the station waiting for a call. There are times when we are on a committee and have to do running around. Sometimes we grab something to eat while we are together, but it's far from a date. I pay for myself, sit opposite them, casual conversation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I am in no way dating my exs. Being friends doesn't mean dating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You said you just see them at work. Before that you said you spent a lot of one on one time with them. If it was outside of work that would be dating. 

You are involved in an intense job situation. Understood. Your profession, the military, the medical profession and many other professions that bring people together closely and in intense situations all run and extra risk. It comes with the territory. So they have to have very strong boundaries.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I didn't say I have one on one time outside of work, the vast majority of the time is at work.
> 
> That's find that other people's relationships can't handle this, but don't accuse me of cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You may have been purposely vague at the start ... or not. But whether you were or not it had the same effect.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I am not in control of it. It's amazing how people here know my life and my relationship and my life so well and I don't...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you live in a Western country you have complete freedom here to do what you want. You could move to another place, change professions and so on. I am not saying you need to do this but you are not forced to do anything. It is your choice. You choose to do what you do. We all do. If you were in the military it would be a different situation. 

This is a big lifes lesson. We choose what we do. Everything has a cost. We are not helpless.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> You said you just see them at work. Before that you said you spent a lot of one on one time with them. If it was outside of work that would be dating.
> 
> You are involved in an intense job situation. Understood. Your profession, the military, the medical profession and many other professions that bring people together closely and in intense situations all run and extra risk. It comes with the territory. So they have to have very strong boundaries.


The one on one time is usually at work. I can think of maybe three times where it was not work, and they were mostly group outings where we arrived first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

DayDream said:


> I'm wondering what has prompted you to come onto TAM and even bring this all up then. Just curious?





Tikii said:


> Infertility, and boredom


You intentionally started a controversial debate knowing you'd take the opposite extreme view of literally everyone else who posted just because you're bored and infertile while acting like you're shocked at the responses you're getting.

Got it. Well played. 

Enjoy your friends.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> You intentionally started a controversial debate knowing you'd take the opposite extreme view of literally everyone else who posted just because you're bored and infertile while acting like you're shocked at the responses you're getting.
> 
> Got it. Well played.
> 
> Enjoy your friends.


I attempted to start a discussion, which turned into people attacking my relationship and my character. I did not expect to be accused of cheating, called a *****, ****, told that I need to do my husband a favor and just divorce him etc. 

I also don't appreciate the dig at my inability to have a child. There was no reason to make such a comment.

I will enjoy my marriage, and my friends. I hope you can say the same.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Tikii said:


> I attempted to start a discussion, which turned into people attacking my relationship and my character. I did not expect to be accused of cheating, called a *****, ****, told that I need to do my husband a favor and just divorce him etc.
> 
> I also don't appreciate the dig at my inability to have a child. There was no reason to make such a comment.
> 
> I will enjoy my marriage, and my friends. I hope you can say the same.


Tikii -

The consesus on this site is that opposite sex friendships don't really work out in marriages. Many affairs have started this way. If it works for you in your marriage, that is fine. Live your life the way you want to!


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Tikii -
> 
> The consesus on this site is that opposite sex friendships don't really work out in marriages. Many affairs have started this way. If it works for you in your marriage, that is fine. Live your life the way you want to!


I understand and respect that. I only expect the same respect not be be referred to as a cheating ***** because of my choice.


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

DayDream said:


> I'm wondering what has prompted you to come onto TAM and even bring this all up then. Just curious?


For real! Please tell us. As I said I think she knows its wrong why else would she post it other than wanting someone to make her feel her better about what she knows is wrong.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

kevint said:


> For real! Please tell us. As I said I think she knows its wrong why else would she post it other than wanting someone to make her feel her better about what she knows is wrong.


Try reading. As I started above, I came here out of boredom while searching for infertility forums.

There's nothing wrong with my marriage. I don't need someone to tell me anything about the situation. It was a discussion that turned into an attack on me based on others insecurity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

JCD said:


> Did I miss where she flirted with them? And is the one on one time grabbing lunch after a call or a grocery run or is it a LUNCH?


Okay but what about all the honey,sweetie,etc? That's crossing the line of just professional coworkers I think


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

kevint said:


> Okay but what about all the honey,sweetie,etc? That's crossing the line of just professional coworkers I think


That's not from exs, but rather friends. They call our patients that, as well as the few other women in the department. They call my mom, "mom" etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

Tikii said:


> I would put my life on the line for both of them. I would certainly go after both, but my husband would be my priority. However, rules and regulations prevent both of us being on the same crew to prevent this situation. We were not permitted to be on the same vehicle if it can be helped which is where I get a lot of one on one time with my ex and the other men. It also prevents bickering. I love my husband but I cannot work with him on an emergency scene. We end up wanting to strangle the other... lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So lets just work with your ex's because that's so much more healthy for your marriage.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

kevint said:


> So lets just work with your ex's because that's so much more healthy for your marriage.


My marriage is plenty healthy, working with my exs or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

Tikii said:


> I don't see the need to jump to the conclusion of infidelity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tiki the friendships with your ex's and the one on one time etc. are all ingredients of infidelity. Sorry.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You aren't exhibiting any of the danger signs for m/f relationships.

Now imagine an ex GF'S of the hubby comes back around and the two lunch and dine away from the common mess as hubby vents about you fertility issues with another woman.

THIS is what we...or at least I am against.

And I understand a certain resentment in the other posters for being lead on with vague and incomplete information.

ON THE OTHER HAND, there was no call for name calling of you either. We are all entitled to our personal opinions even if yours is wrong...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

*The vast majority of my friends are men, whom I spend one on one time with, as well as group time with, most of which is seeded within my career choice. They call me baby, sweetie, love, beautiful or drill sargent bjtch.*

If your husband is cool with this you need to start checking up on him. This is massive disrespect to him and your marriage. It would be a fight in most places. Are you sure he knows this? Have you cowed him?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Tikii said:


> I understand and respect that. I only expect the same respect not be be referred to as a cheating ***** because of my choice.


I agree that you should not be bashed or called names.

Perhaps it was this statement in your original post:

"Personally, I think it's a little crazy to be so nervous about people of the opposite sex, if you are in a healthy relationship."

I think you knew when you posted your OP, the consensus of this marriage site regarding opposite sex friends & that is why you posted. 

You don't agree with it. You disagree with the majority of the members who post about this issue.

You are most certainly entitled to your opinion. However, others should not be considered "crazy" who disagree. Maybe the way the OP was worded rubbed some people the wrong way.

FTR - I am not opposed to opposite sex friendships. I've never had them in my 2 marriages so really have no 1st hand experience with them.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

chapparal said:


> *The vast majority of my friends are men, whom I spend one on one time with, as well as group time with, most of which is seeded within my career choice. They call me baby, sweetie, love, beautiful or drill sargent bjtch.*
> 
> If your husband is cool with this you need to start checking up on him. This is massive disrespect to him and your marriage. It would be a fight in most places. Are you sure he knows this? Have you cowed him?


In my Guard unit, we had one gentleman who frequently called people 'no good dirty c0ck in the mouth'. Ball busting in these organizations is common...even if she is genetically ill equipt for any busting.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

kevint said:


> Tiki the friendships with your ex's and the one on one time etc. are all ingredients of infidelity. Sorry.


I disagree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I agree that you should not be bashed or called names.
> 
> Perhaps it was this statement in your original post:
> 
> ...


I was not calling anyone crazy, I was referring to an idea as crazy, there's a difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

chapparal said:


> *The vast majority of my friends are men, whom I spend one on one time with, as well as group time with, most of which is seeded within my career choice. They call me baby, sweetie, love, beautiful or drill sargent bjtch.*
> 
> If your husband is cool with this you need to start checking up on him. This is massive disrespect to him and your marriage. It would be a fight in most places. Are you sure he knows this? Have you cowed him?


My husband had read all of this, and is very aware of my friendships. Neither of us see it as any kind of disrespect. He feels disrespected by this thread and has asked me to no longer come here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

JCD said:


> You aren't exhibiting any of the danger signs for m/f relationships.
> 
> Now imagine an ex GF'S of the hubby comes back around and the two lunch and dine away from the common mess as hubby vents about you fertility issues with another woman.
> 
> ...


I didn't intend for this to be about me, which is why I didn't give a full story. If I had known it would have turned into a personal attack on my marriage, I'd have never posted. 

I somewhat feel like people are taking out their relationship troubles on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I was not calling anyone crazy, I was referring to an idea as crazy, there's a difference.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


oh great, it appears that you have taken an assertiveness training course..... ie, don't call the person crazy; just call something they said or did crazy. .....but you may still think that speaker is crazy as well.....

If yu want people to agree with you, go find those relationship message boards that have less focus on cheating and betrayal.

I agree with the others, once you have been burned by one or a few of these "just friends" arrangements, you become more careful in how you allow others to enter your world. I've had to deal with the remarks like "My friendship with your husband has nothing to do with you." When you get remarks like that, you start to rethink the whole Opposite Sex Friendship deal and what it means to your marriage ( or other exclusive relationship.)


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Tikii said:


> My husband.. feels disrespected by this thread and has asked me to no longer come here.


Your husband feels disrespected and has requested that you no longer come here, and yet you continue to post, completely disregarding his request.

Apparently you "not coming here anymore" is yet another option that is not available to him.

Don't you have some fires to put out or something?


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Your husband feels disrespected and has requested that you no longer come here, and yet you continue to post, completely disregarding his request.
> 
> I guess "not coming here anymore" is yet another option that is not available to him.
> 
> Don't you have some fires to put out or something?


He asked me to no longer post here, as I was making that post. He will get his request, as I respect him. 

Don't you have a wife to keep an eye on, since you seem to have major trust issues?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Your husband feels disrespected and has requested that you no longer come here, and yet you continue to post, completely disregarding his request.
> 
> Apparently you "not coming here anymore" is yet another option that is not available to him.
> 
> Don't you have some fires to put out or something?





Tikii said:


> He asked me to no longer post here, as I was making that post. He will get his request, as I respect him.
> 
> Don't you have a wife to keep an eye on, since you seem to have major trust issues?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Wow! Both of you just won the Internet prize for snark on the same day! Well done to both!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Tikii said:


> I didn't say I have one on one time outside of work, the vast majority of the time is at work.
> 
> That's find that other people's relationships can't handle this, but don't accuse me of cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No where in my post did I accuse you of cheating. Flirting yes because things like babe, honey, sweety, ect are flirtatious comments to me and thats fine for some people who need the extra ego boost. I wouldnt call any of that ball busting however the drill seargent bytch would be. 

Now sure you can go ahead and think others have unhealthy relationships all you like and thats fine. Apparently some here think yours is unhealthy. Clearly different couples have different boundaries and again thats fine. To each thier own. 

I for one will never be friends with my ex's. Now I do have opposite sex friends as does my spouse but we do not go off alone with any of them. We have had bad experiences in pasts relationships in that area which is why we dont do alone time with anyone but each other. 

Not to mention there were a few toxic co workers/ friends of his that made moves and tried to sabatoge our relationship. I just answered why some of us are against it. I am not saying everyone should be because like I said... To each thier own. 

I do agree though that your vagueness didnt help and gave room for much to be assumed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Tikii said:


> He asked me to no longer post here, as I was making that post. He will get his request, as I respect him.


But if he requested that you not remain friends with ex's, he would not get his request as you do not ____________ him.

Fill in the blank.

It doesn't matter that he won't make such a request, it's the fact that "if" he was bothered by it, then too freaking bad because your ex's come first.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Tikii said:


> He asked me to no longer post here, as I was making that post. He will get his request, as I respect him.
> 
> Don't you have a wife to keep an eye on, since you seem to have major trust issues?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, it's ok for you to slam him, but it's not ok if people question you? Yea, THAT makes sense. 

Also, you had to reply to someone who commented on the fact that you said your husband requested that you not come back here.... by coming back here to respond. Right there, you chose to ignore his request. So how is it NOT a stretch that someone would deny a more important request...to cease contact with an ex IF the SO were to make such a request... if someone would deny an even smaller/simpler request? :scratchhead:


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I think she's gone now.

I think it a trifle unrealistic to call her on her denial of her husband's request that she no longer post here.

Yes, it's a trifle disrespectful, but what chance does mere marital devotion have versus millenia of genetic XX disposition to have the last word... It's no contest.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

JCD said:


> what chance does mere marital devotion have versus millenia of genetic XX disposition to have the last word... It's no contest.


last word



_Please do not post below this line_
________________________________________

_For office use only!_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. 
Sally Albright: Why not? 
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: No you don't. 
Sally Albright: Yes I do. 
Harry Burns: You only think you do. 
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? 
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: They do not. 
Harry Burns: Do too. 
Sally Albright: How do you know? 
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. 
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU? 
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. 
Harry Burns: I guess not. 
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.


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