# How long?



## twilightskarm (Aug 4, 2012)

Not sure if this will end up being a vent or an attempt to rationalize what I'm feeling, but I'm soooo close to asking for a divorce I don't know what to do. This is my second marriage. I have 2 kids from a prior marriage, as does my husband. My relationship with my husband is more like roommates than anything else. There is no physical relationship per se, and he hasn't complimented me in the 5 years we've been married. We just had our 5 year anniversary and I didn't get an "I love you" or anything similar, and haven't in a while. I feel lonely and could live with the distance between us but it's his KIDS that are driving me nuts. He has 2 teenagers who have never accepted me or my kids. They refuse to talk to me. When we first moved in I overheard them talking about how I was a succubus and they were going to try to get me to leave. Ever since then when they have an issue they blame me and my kids and their dad coddles them. He even told them at one point that marrying me was a mistake. These kids have never had to do a chore in their lives. They got cars when they turned 16. They are doing drugs and staying out all night and their parents refuse to do anything about it. I feel tense and stressed when they are around. They are supposed to be at mom's more than half time but lately have been at our house 100% because their dad won't tell them to do anything else, even though I have begged for a mental break. I've asked him to talk to them and he won't. I've asked for them to do little things like put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher and he won't do it. I feel like my needs and wants are completely dismissed because he doesn't want to do or say anything that his kids won't like. I'm depressed all the time. I've tried, I really have - but it's not appreciated or returned. My kids are younger and I hate having them in a household where they think they are hated by their "brothers" and I feel unwanted. I don't want to have another failed marriage but I don't know how much I can, or should, take. I really don't think there's a possibility anything will change. I hate being depressed and lonely and worrying that I am hurting my kids. Help!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blended families are tough and most end in divorce.You can see why.

Why are you still in this marriage? That's the real question. And yes you are hurting your children.

What you are going through is awful. Do you work outside the home so that you can support yourself and your children? My advice would be to start working on an exit plan.

See an attorney to find out what your rights are here.

Yes another failed marriage sucks. But a life lived in pain and abuse is a tragedy.


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## twilightskarm (Aug 4, 2012)

*Re: How long? (blended family issues)*

Thanks Ele... a few answers... I think I'm still in this because I don't want to fail. My mother was married multiple times and I don't want to see a series of ups and downs like I grew up with. I also start thinking about moving and packing and property and things and it's overwhelming, and easier to stay. I have to work one night a week and have nobody to watch my kids. Etc. I do have a comfortable income and can afford to support myself and my kids and legal issues aren't really an issue.

I just don't know what to do about the step-kids and whether it will ever be better. When I moved in I tried to have all the kids pick a chore and to suggest rules that everyone had to follow. His 12 year old got so mad that he would be asked to pitch in on dishes that he went to his mom's for several months. So my husband decided he couldn't ask them to do anything. In 5 years, I've never seen either of his kids disciplined. They have no rules at all and no chores or expectation and I can't raise my kids that way, so we have 2 standards. No matter what the problem is, they work it back to being my fault and he sympathizes with them. Suffice it to say, I don't like his kids much. I could have, but I think it's too late. I'm told that the situation is all my fault because I'm the adult and I need to just keep offering the other cheek. I did that for years - I'd say hi and they'd glare at me. I'd ask them to do something and they'd walk away. I'd buy them things and they'd say "dad would have gotten this for us anyway." They are selfish and spoiled. One of them recently refused to come over on father's day - he called his dad a ****** and said "why should I do anything for you, you don't do what I want." This same kid now wants to be here all week because it's 10 minutes closer to his friends' than mom's house. Not because he wants to spend time with dad, they are here because it saves gas money and they can have sex with their girlfriends in locked rooms and nobody tells them what to do. It's not that I mind the kids being here, I'm not about to tell him they can't, but I don't think it's too much to ask to have them at mom's 5 days a week like they are supposed to be. She has no problem telling them it is time to come here, but he won't tell them to go to mom's because he sees that as telling them they are not wanted here. When they are here, they leave their dirty dishes everywhere because dad will clean up after them. They dump off hampers with him at 11 pm and tell them they need laundry done by the morning. They constantly demand money. They are 16 and 17 and perfectly able to pick up after themselves but he refuses to make them. The 16 year old goes out and smokes pot at night and who knows what else and nobody ever knows where he is and my husband's reaction is "if he gets arrested it's not my problem." Meanwhile I'm stressed all the time and feel like my needs are ignored. He says he gives in to them because of the tension between the kids and myself, but it's always at my expense, meaning I want a quiet night, one of the kids wants to come over with friends, they automatically win, and our plans get shot down. Maybe it is my fault, I'll admit I find it very, very difficult to keep trying to win his kids over. Its sort of like the definition of insanity to me - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. When you get crapped on every time you try to be nice and do things, how can you keep trying? I spend the first few years trying, and then I just stopped trying to initiate conversations. Now it's my fault that we don't get along because I don't go out of my way to be nice to them.

Yeah, more venting. It's a horrible situation and I wish it were different but I don't know that I can break things off and do everything on my own...


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