# Dealing with the OM



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

My full story is in another post; unfortunately it's a common one. My wife had a running EA/PA with a 'family friend'... we as a couple know them as a couple, and our children know each other. I discovered after it was really already over. She's in full disclosure, transparency, and seeking forgiveness and R.

I'm trying to take time, sort it through, MC, and give the R attempt a fair shot. Rightly or wrongly, part of my R must include action regarding the OM. There is no option where I simply take the high road and let it go.

The thing I'm stuck about is having no good options for dealing with the OM before/unless I decide I'm out & leave (then it's game-on, and I'm comfortable with any and all carnage I leave)... but meanwhile, during the R attempt:

On the one hand I don't want to go to jail for beating him senseless. On the other, telling his wife obviously then leaves my family/home vulnerable to actions he may pursue (he is slighly unstable). He works at home; I commute an hour away and don't feel I can protect my home properly. Additionally, the wives (mine and his) are acquainted, formerly better friends and share a common circle of friends. Telling her, surely will then have my wife labeled what she is in the community... if I leave that is fine. If I stay, however, that is not what I want.

My latest thought is find him, tell him, and tell him that either he tells his wife and then have his wife call me so I know she got the story, or I will...... but the repurcussion fears still hold true. 

Thoughts?

Also, he was in my house, and I can't get it out of my mind. Anyone ever just up & sell their home and move to resolve this constant reminder?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Tell his wife , if yours gets labeled so be it, move home you do not need the trigger, a change in scenery does wonders. So what if his wife leaves him, if you are concerned about his reaction to your home and family then your fear will always keep you in his shadow. The decisions are easy to make it's the will power to act on them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

One of the reasons for full disclosure is to bring a wayward spouse back and to bring them back in touch with reality. Your wife ended the affair on her own. Furthermore, she is fully cooperating to reconcile with you. I may stand alone here, but I would not tell the OM's wife. The risks clearly out weigh the benefits.

You and your wife don't need to socialize in any way with this couple though. And a move closer to your work may be in order. That would give you a fresh start as a couple.

Hope things work out for you.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Talk to him, man to man, and reach a gentleman's agreement that he stay away from your W. If you have to, get it in writing, and warn him that you are considering a restraining order-if he violates it, not only is his a** going to jail, but you will sue him.

And yes...tell his W!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

That's a tough decision. Generally, the reason to expose the A to the other BS is to kill the affair, plus it's the right thing to do. On the one hand, your fWW is in full disclosure, is transparent, and is working hard on the R. On the other hand, there are consequences to exposure for your wife.

If you plan to confront the OM in person, I think you should protect yourself by having a VAR on your person, that way up you can protect yourself from any false accusations.

Also, I have read in other forums that other people have ended up selling their home and relocating because that home was a constant trigger for them. Others simply redecorate their home by repainting it, changing furniture, etc, so that it triggers less memories. So it all depends how much of a trigger this home is for you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

In this economy things like selling a house and moving are not very practical.

If you are in R, then the OM must be marginalized. If he's that unstable then a RO (restraining order) should be seriously considered.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A RO is very difficult to obtain without evidence of some kind of threat , the closest you can come to it is a harrasment charge. Tell his wife she deserves know as would you if someone had the decency to let you know before you found out the hard way. Send her an email, give her the evidence she needs and walk away, furthermore with his wife on his case you have more of a guarantee he will not chase your wife plus if he does come near your family you can state is doing so out of malace.

It takes away any uncomfortableness for stopping future interaction between your two families. Do note a lot of affairs restart between the same affair partners, some decades later, due to the affair not being killed properly , your task is to ensure the OM is out of the way permanently.

There are a number of posters on this site and the MB site who have disclosed the affair to the betrayed spouse and have never looked back with doubt, some have done this years later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mmiller1234576 (May 3, 2011)

Just my .02 - (BTW new to the forums, have not told my story yet)

I had my wife contact in person the OM and tell him he had the weekend to tell his wife. At this meeting after my wife said to him it was over and how she couldn't believe she even got involved with him, he came back with some comments about how she would be back and she couldn't resist...bla bla bla even after the OM told me on the phone he was super sorry etc. My wife came home super pissed and picked up the phone and called the OM wife. Left a message. She called back a while later and I happen to answer the phone. (Coming into it I thought I would be hearing a woman going nuts on the phone and how she was going to destroy the OM for his cheating) I answered and talked to a well spoken woman, she was calm and collected and almost sounded beat down emotionally. She then proceeded to tell me that it figures that her husband was cheating because she was cheating also. She proceeded to tell me how bad she felt for me because out of the 4 of us involved, I was the only honest one that had not cheated and I was getting screwed in the deal. She talked about how the OM her husband, was violent toward her in the past, and how he got over alcoholism, etc. She then said she was too old to go back on the market and she said she was just going to roll over and take it. 

I was hoping for destruction and chaos.... I got nothing I thought I would. 

I would say do it, but don't expect much out of it.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Interesting scenerio mmiller

In my case I knew the OM from my past. Went to school with him but had no contact for about 10-15 years. He and my wife started talking on Facebook (are you suprised?). They has an EA and minor PA.

I too was faced with how to handle the OM. In my situation my wife is 1000% working on our marrige and had no problem cutting off contact. As a matter of fact, they had ended it just before I found out. Turns out he was a jerk for cheating my wife, but he just could not let himself go all the way with her.

So, naturally I wanted to tell his live in girlfriend.....wait a few weeks to let him suffer...and then do something that would land me in prison for the rest of my life. Obvoiusly I could not do all that because I love my wife and I have 2 young kids.

What I did do was contact him and pretty much force him to meet me face to face. I went off on him for about 2 hours. Turns out he is a pretty messed up guy. I got a sob story from him that I was not expecting. Well that day did change things for me. I started seeing him as a human. I also understood what would happen to him if his girlfriend found out. Its an unusual situation, but he's a fireman that works 48 hour shifts. If she left his house he would lose the full custody of his 14year old son from a prevoius marrige. I believe this to all be true.

Well I figured that I did not need to punish his kid. His kid didn't deserve that. So I let the OM know exactly what I was going to do to him if he ever set foot near my wife again (i did not put that in writing for obvoius reasons) and left it at that.

But......I still kind of wish I had told the girlfriend. When the kids 18 I probably will. And if my wife an I ever split I'm just going back to good ol plan A.


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## mmiller1234576 (May 3, 2011)

All I am saying is you think one thing will come out of this, but from what I am hearing the party that got cheated on never can make it back no matter what they do. You have been thrust into the world of cheating and there is no going back ever. Don't think by doing something rational or irrational will make it all better because it will never get you whole.


Just my experience


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

2xloser said:


> My latest thought is find him, tell him, and tell him that either he tells his wife and then have his wife call me so I know she got the story, or I will...... but the repurcussion fears still hold true.


Nope. You honestly think he's going to tell his wife just cause you told him to?! No offense but :rofl:

You tell his wife on your own. And don't let your wife or OM know before you do it.

Don't beat him up. Don't even talk to him. He's not worth YOU getting into trouble.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Nope. You honestly think he's going to tell his wife just cause you told him to?! No offense but :rofl:
> 
> You tell his wife on your own. And don't let your wife or OM know before you do it.
> 
> Don't beat him up. Don't even talk to him. He's not worth YOU getting into trouble.


My thought was have him tell her, and have her call me to confirm she got the full story.... ie, if I don't get a phone call from her by xx time, I will be calling her...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

2xloser said:


> My thought was have him tell her, and have her call me to confirm she got the full story.... ie, if I don't get a phone call from her by xx time, I will be calling her...


And you really really believe he will do you the favor of that? The same man who slept with your wife and lied to his own wife about it??? What makes you think he's going to do anything for YOU? 

Giving him a time constraint just gives him time to get his story straight, to backpedal, and say "X's husband may be calling you --he is totally insane and thinks we were having an affair so I am just warning you...that guy is totally nuts... in fact I may even have to have a talk with him."

He will turn it around on YOU. I am 90% sure of this.

This falls under the same camp of people who ask their cheating spouses... _Are you cheating on me? _and the spouse says _NO_ and yet they are.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Get on the phone and call his wife, stop hiding away and protect your marriage, causing hell in his life is a good thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I've had to surpress my more vengeful instincts towards the OM, as he, my wife and I all work together. Although I did tell his wife (with my wife's blessing and assistance), resulting in his divorce (which he always claimed he wanted...til it was staring him in the face), I've forced myself to take the high road in all other ways. It's not easy at all. Only one close friend at work knows the whole score, but my dislike of him is no secret (even if the reason for it is).

Some days, I'm amazed at my restraint. Some days, I just want to say to hell with the consequences and pummel him to a bloody pulp in the parking lot. Truthfully, I figured he'd be fired long ago, just because he does a piss-poor job. The day he finally does go out the door for one reason or another can't come soon enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And you really really believe he will do you the favor of that? The same man who slept with your wife and lied to his own wife about it??? What makes you think he's going to do anything for YOU?
> 
> Giving him a time constraint just gives him time to get his story straight, to backpedal, and say "X's husband may be calling you --he is totally insane and thinks we were having an affair so I am just warning you...that guy is totally nuts... in fact I may even have to have a talk with him."
> 
> ...


you're totally right. thank you.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Have your W file a restraining order. They won't do it for a guy, but they WILL do it for a woman.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Black mail him.

If the OM ever tells your W about this conversation you will expose him.

If your W contact OM and he doesn't break up with her you expose him.

If OM contacts W then you will expose him.

If any one remotely has any contact or if your W finds out about the conversation the two of you had...from anybody you will expose him.

The thing is you have to have evidence and the fact that the OM has alot to loose if you do expose him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

the guy said:


> Black mail him.
> 
> If the OM ever tells your W about this conversation you will expose him.
> 
> ...


I firmly disagree. Just tell the OM'S WIFE. He came into your life w/o warning, why should you give him a wearning??? 

EXPOSE HIM TODAY W/O TELLING HIM OR YOUR WIFE BEFOREHAND.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I firmly disagree. Just tell the OM'S WIFE. He came into your life w/o warning, why should you give him a wearning???
> 
> EXPOSE HIM TODAY W/O TELLING HIM OR YOUR WIFE BEFOREHAND.


:iagree:


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I found that dealing with the OM (they had EA ,no PA) was healthy for me. I knew him quite well. After the OM and my wife had their goodbye phone call, I told my wife I was emailing him. I took the high road for the most part but was firm that he needed to heed the no contact order.

He actually responded to the email, and took the high road also, apologized for his role (my wife went to him, he didn't seek her out). He did say a couple of things the prompted me to be even more firm though. He said 1) he would also miss my friendship, and 2) he hoped we could someday all be friends again.

I sent one last rebuttal to that, with a slightly more aggressive tone. Wished him a good life, but told him we would never again be a part of it, and he needed to let go, or else. Told him that was my last email. He has not responded, and very likely never will.

3 days later now, things at home are actually pretty normal - which is kind of shocking. But I am on watch for the chance of darker days still lying ahead.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Unfortunately, now you have to be on guard because OM almost always attempt to fish after a while when they think things have settled down. At least the first few months are critical when the WW or the OM attempt to break NC to feed their addiction because they are going thru withdrawal from the A.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Why is it that we BS always think about the fallout due to exposure. THEY should be the ones to worry about it not US. THEY took the chance of being outed, and then labeled. 

We reap what we sow, right? If they don't want to deal with the ramifications of being outed- TOUGH ****, they shouldn't have cheated in the first place.

"he hoped we could someday all be friends again."- Are you ****ing serious? He's lucky I don't pull his spleen through his mouth!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If you're afraid of what your W might do if you expose him, then perhaps you should ask yourself if you really want to stay with her. If she's so remorseful, she should have no trouble keeping focused on what matters, NOT what is going to happen to him-that is an indicator that she still wants things to be "smooth" between them.

What warning did they give you that this would happen? Did he consider your feelings when he hooked up with your W? Why should you give the same consideration to him?

Sing like a canary, squeal like a pig-make his life hell for a change.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree with telling the OMs wife. I would do it in a heartbeat. Are you afraid that doing so will cause him to pursue your wife for another affair? If that does happen, then she is not worth keeping anyway.

If your wife gets labeled, that is not your fault.

Careful with the voice recording. I am not a legal expert by any means, but am not certain you can use that for much and I do not believe that blackmail is the answer. I'd hate to see you get into legal trouble over this.

All the best.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

No folks, I am not worried about him pursuing her or what my wife might do. She knows full well, if she wants to go be with him or off on her own, she's more than welcome to go. With the full transparency I have, it does seem true the the affair had already run its course by the time I discovered it, and has been over for a couple months. 

My concern is him seeking retribution through property or other type damage to my home or property. If I'm not on a reconciliation path, I could care less what he does to wife. But for as long as I am on that possible path, I do unfortunately care... and when I do tell his wife (which will absolutely happen), the slander in the community is going to happen. I know its not my fault, but I will have to be dealing with that, too along with everything else.

In the context of the affair already being over, and my wife fully transparent and even cooperative in dealing with the OM, the blackmail thing doesn't apply. Telling his wife - yes; just a matter of how & when. Talking to him... I don't know. I guess I'm sort of waiting for him to reach out to my wife again, to set me off...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok, where did 2xLoser's post go about what he said to the OM??? I don't see it anymore.



ahhhmaaaan! said:


> "he hoped we could someday all be friends again."- Are you ****ing serious? He's lucky I don't pull his spleen through his mouth!


Agreed. That is disgusting he even had the audacity to say that to you. It means he doesn't realize the gravity of what he did which also translates to him probably not going away quietly.

Until you tell his wife, you are facing an uphill battle mostly. I don't know why you won't just tell her. You have nothing to lose. You saying you are waiting for him to reach out to your wife again to set you off--is silly. Now you're on guard.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Talk to a lawyer or even the police about him-they might be able to help you with what to do to protect yourself.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Ok, first things first... Nice name, but not the same guy as me. 


Now then, as for dealing with this other guy... At some point down the road you are going to come to a realization. That realization is that your wife is the one who broke a commitment to you and your kids, and not him. Was he a douche? yeah of course, anyone who goes after a married person is a douche. But that is where his responsiblity lies. 

As a good citizen, you probably should inform his wife in a letter or email. But that is about it. Dont get yourself in any trouble and remember that the sooner you get him out of your life, the better. Dont give your wife a reason to start drama.

Remember that if you have anything to do with him, he will be in your life directly again. just get rid of him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Ok, first things first... Nice name, but not the same guy as me.


:rofl: I was wondering about that...


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Ha! Sorry twotime... at let it be noted "for the record", you were certainly first  -- here long before I ever was! no harm intended, I think you know. AND your input & point of view has helped me a lot -- thank you.
- 2x


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I firmly disagree. Just tell the OM'S WIFE. He came into your life w/o warning, why should you give him a wearning???
> 
> EXPOSE HIM TODAY W/O TELLING HIM OR YOUR WIFE BEFOREHAND.


Email was sent to OM's wife 1/2 hour ago.
Thus far, no reply or response. She has my number...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You shoulda called her in case the email is intercepted...

What did you say to her in the email???


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I texted her cellphone asking to confirm she got my email.
No response to either. So strange. 
I simply revelaed the facts as I have heard them in the email, and added a note to him (stay away from me and my wife), should she choose to 'share' with him.
Wife is sending a no contact note this evening to him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

2xloser said:


> I texted her cellphone asking to confirm she got my email.
> No response to either. So strange.
> I simply revelaed the facts as I have heard them in the email, *and added a note to him (stay away from me and my wife)*, should she choose to 'share' with him.
> Wife is sending a no contact note this evening to him.


So you cc'd the OM on the email?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

No, I didn't cc: the OM -- I didn't want him tipped off to prepare his story & cover his tracks if she confronts him... still deciding if I send a copy of the email (noting it was sent to her), maybe tomorrow.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Absolutely NOT. DO NOT send him a copy of the email.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

OK.... why not, after some time?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

and another thought... do I have wife cc: the OW on her No Further Contact message?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Because copying him lets him be hip to your game.

Be done with him. You already said your piece to him. Why drag it out any further?

Re: wife... I am inclined to say no about her cc'ing OM's wife. I always think the spouse should know when they are being cheated on but I don't think it should come from the one who their spuse actually betrayed them with.

Wife should do a no contact to OM and cc you on it.

You should CALL OM's wife and speak to her verbally about all these shenanigans.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

2xloser said:


> No, I didn't cc: the OM -- I didn't want him tipped off to prepare his story & cover his tracks if she confronts him... still deciding if I send a copy of the email (noting it was sent to her), maybe tomorrow.


I'm thinking either his BW is in shock right now and is confronting him, OR that OM already has a prepared story to give to her. Did your wife tell OM that you found out about them? If so, OM may have already spun his story and told his BW not to listen or accept calls from you since you are "crazy" and out to ruin their marriage.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I'm thinking either his BW is in shock right now and is confronting him, OR that OM already has a prepared story to give to her. Did your wife tell OM that you found out about them? If so, OM may have already spun his story and told his BW not to listen or accept calls from you since you are "crazy" and out to ruin their marriage.


No, my wife did not inform OM (unless I've been really duped, but I have not left her alone since DDay, I have her phone, email, computer, FB transparency)... their contacts had come pretty much to a halt naturally, the relationship's already fizzled on its own to almost nothing. So her No Contact message will be quite easy for him to comply, as there's nearly nothing to stop right now. Of course, time will tell....

Waiting to just get confirmation from OM's wife that she got my email before my wife sends No Contact note. Once 24 hrs passes, I will be calling OMs wife to confirm receipt.

Thanks all for your inputs along my pathetic journey.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I'm curious how this all plays out. Thanks for the updates so far.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

:BoomSmilie_anim: OM


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

mori - your little picture made me smile for the first time in more than 2 weeks; thanks

itguy --so am I! It's just too weird the wife has not responded or even acknowledged.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Call OM's wife


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

2xloser said:


> mori - your little picture made me smile for the first time in more than 2 weeks; thanks.


You're welcome.

Marital betrayal is nothing to laugh about, but I've found out that comedy is a wonderful healing tool. It helped me tremendously when I was going through the pain of divorcing my unfaithful ex-W.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Ten to one, the SOB has intercepted your e-mails. CALL HER, but do it from another location or from a different cell phone. He's probably monitoring calls, and is on the lookout for a familiar number.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah I think he prob intercepted it, too.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Got a lengthy note back from the wife. She's digesting, has confronted OM... 
I do feel a little 'closure' (although I do still really want to just beat OM's azz senseless... how *does* a man get rid of this never-ending, constant thought?) 
Now sending the OM a note as well, on top of wife's No Further Contact.
Now, onward with some focus on me and my family -- wherever it takes us.
Thanks all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And what happened to OM's wife???? DOES SHE KNOW?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

2xloser said:


> (although I do still really want to just beat OM's azz senseless... how *does* a man get rid of this never-ending, constant thought?)


I'll make a deal with you: if I ever figure it out, I'll let you know...but if you figure it out first, you need to let me know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> And what happened to OM's wife???? DOES SHE KNOW?


From my reading of it, that's "the wife" that he mentioned in his last post (as opposed to "the wife" referring to his own wife).

Unless, of course, the OM DID intercept the email and replied on his wife's behalf to discourage 2x from trying to verify that she got re email.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

grayson said:


> i'll make a deal with you: If i ever figure it out, i'll let you know...but if you figure it out first, you need to let me know.
> _posted via mobile device_


**deal!***


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And what happened to OM's wife???? DOES SHE KNOW?


Yes, the note I got was from the OM's wife.
She knows. OM has been confronted and it's out in the open. My wife has sent no contact note to the OM (and btw prince charming's response was short & nasty)... my follow-up note to the OM will be on it's way this evening.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

There's really no need for you to send a follow up. The NC is sent, and by sending that short, nasty reply, he's shown that he got it. Just leave it be, and add his email address to all of your "blocked senders" lists.

Yes, I know, from being in your proverbial shoes, there's a VERY strong desire to tear him a new one, at least verbally. But, in the long run, that gives him power over you. Tough as it may be, deep breath...let it go. Plus, getting no reaction from you will probably get under his skin far more than any response ever could.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What did the note from OM's wife say???

What did the nasty note from prince charming say??? 

Tell us so we can help you draft a letter/email to him.


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

LOL @ the fact that your wife is laying low on the sidelines while going along with your vendetta against this dude like shes on your team. I wish you could look inside her soul to see how relieved she is that you "bought it". You should definitely tell the other guys wife, and once his relationship implodes tell your wife..........that you're filing for divorce. That will pave the way for them to be together and you will have no problems being rid of her until its too late for her to realize her mistake.

Once they involve another man into your relationship in any manner of substance. GET RID OF THEM. Who cares if she ended it herself, who cares if she's being transparent. She got there to do it, it turned out to be not what she thought it was, and now she wants to come back and have her home still. DROP HER. That's how to deal with the other man, let him have the wife, and never speak to him or her ever again. 

Ronin


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Ronin said:


> LOL @ the fact that your wife is laying low on the sidelines while going along with your vendetta against this dude like shes on your team. I wish you could look inside her soul to see how relieved she is that you "bought it". You should definitely tell the other guys wife, and once his relationship implodes tell your wife..........that you're filing for divorce. That will pave the way for them to be together and you will have no problems being rid of her until its too late for her to realize her mistake.
> 
> Once they involve another man into your relationship in any manner of substance. GET RID OF THEM. Who cares if she ended it herself, who cares if she's being transparent. She got there to do it, it turned out to be not what she thought it was, and now she wants to come back and have her home still. DROP HER. That's how to deal with the other man, let him have the wife, and never speak to him or her ever again.
> 
> Ronin


"Bought" what?


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Ronin is being sarcastic. 

You should still call the OM wife. 

We've seen the OM intercept the email and email the Betrayed Spouse (YOU) back with a story before. 

Ensure that she got the message and not the OM who is posing as his wife. 

You need the closure of really knowing she got the message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Hey 2x, if I may ask- What is your wife's attitude as of this point toward your actions right now? Is she pro exposure, or is she negative about it? It seems there is a lot of rug-sweeping on both ends, though.


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

2xloser said:


> "Bought" what?


You bought her scam to deflect her own blame upon the man who slept with a trashy married woman (who wouldn't) instead of throwing her out in the street to go find someone else. You might as well fight your neighbor over the garbage you set out on trash day. Get rid of her and find some semblance of self respect. And no, I wasn't being sarcastic. Now she knows she can have sex with other men and then blame the men and you will puff up and be mad at the guy. Id call his wife, ruin his fun, and ditch your wife too, then they can both be together and you can get a decent unsoiled woman. Or else keep her and be the cuckold and have her always knowing how much of a coward you are (which will drive her to another affair btw, ask any man who stayed with a cheating woman)

Ronin


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Ronin,

Was this your experience? I would like to here from guys who had wives that they made up with, and then the wives re-cheated. Just curious myself since I chose to make up.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IDK if this counts but my wife re-cheated alot. I never really made up with her in any sense of the term. For years we just went about with our own lives. I mean as long as she met all my booty calls and looked good around my arm at business functions, I didn't give a damb.

Back in the day she would nag so much about not getting attention and being treated like a prostitue, I told her to leave me alone and go get a boytoy if you want kisses.

Becareful what you wish for!

So for so many years our marraige was so unhealthy I really don't remember "making up" I did however ignore her capacity to sleep around, or at least under estimate it. I guess you might not want to consider this as re-cheating.

But now that I'm in a new marraige with the same person our expectations are alot different, our behaviors are alot more healthier, we both know what each other are capable of so we both prevent those old behaviors from coming up again. 

Granted, only time will tell, but we feel we both have shared goals for the future. Again we both limit our expectation towards each other and are fully aware of what each other are capable of.

Bottom line I never had to deal with the OM..she went through them like toilet paper. So IDK if I'm lucky or not, maybe I would have been better off if she actually fell in love with a guy that slept with married women and took off with him.

Either she's to smart or I'm to dumb (Ronin & runslikeadog..don't answer that)


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

It's a little unique in that the affair has already eneded when I found out about it; had been over for several months at least... 
Ahhhmaaaan - thus far, she's in full 'cooperation' mode, sent the No Contact within 30 seconds of me requiring it; I have full transparency, begging to keep going to MC and work through it. She's stayed true to her 'story', and the OM's wife and the OM have both messaged me with 'details' that synch up with the story she gave me... I'm not sure either of us are pro-'exposure', insofar as I'm not telling family or friends -- I don't see the point to that until I leave; it's none of their business either way till that point...
...still doesn't mean I'll stay. Right now, I do not think I can stay over the long term, but I am less than 3 weeks into this and still quite raw.

Ronin - I asked for opinions, so thanks I think, yes I did talk to his wife, yes they're now supposedly separating and filing for divorce (who knows what's true there; I don't care either way). As far as I know, it never got to sexual contact. I know you don't buy that for a second, thats ok I have a hard time with it too. The OM unsolicited said this when it would have been easier to say the opposite. Either way, this will get verified in polygraph next week (anyone have any experience with polygraph? sure would hate to walk out over a bad reading or something, but it's all I've got right now). If it turns out to be a lie, I leave right then and there because when given the opportunity to come clean and start this &^%$%# "healing & reconciliation" process, she lied again. She is willing to sign a post-nup basically throwing away her portion of everything that she can have now by just walking away.

2 or 3 times in discussion I've gotten to "I just need to leave", and she's begged to have me stay, to work at it, and thus far has done all the 'right' heavy lifting, takes full accountability. But who knows; it's early...... thx all.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Who knows-maybe this will be a reconciliation success story.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Who knows-maybe this will be a reconciliation success story.


I certainly hope so. It would be nice to have some success stories for a change.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

2xloser~

#1--Usually exposure is a tool to be used in the instance that the Disloyal and the Other Person (OP) are not ending the affair. At that point, exposure would be telling people who would be affected by a divorce--such as family. In this instance though, your wife and the OM have ended it a while ago and she is actively working to rebuild the marriage, so I don't see that further exposure would do anything positive for the marriage. 

#2--I commend you for telling the OM's wife in that she has the right to know the truth so she can make decisions about herself and her marriage based on FACTS and not lies. If any harm was done to their marriage, it was the OM's choice to be unfaithful--not you telling the truth--that did the damage. Now, however, I would suggest leaving both of them (OM and OM's wife) completely alone. Your duty now lies with your own spouse, your own marriage, and your family (whether it's just the two of you or if children are involved). So good job telling her--now focus on your own wife. 

#3--Regarding the OM being in your home, yes I have known people who sold their home and uprooted to move "anywhere but there" so they would be away from the small town, school, job etc. In your instance, if you don't want to move but see the fingerprints of the OM everywhere, I suggest throwing out your bed and buying a new one, and doing some basic remodeling. Change things up, paint, add a new wall or tear one down--make the house DIFFERENT than it was prior to the affair, and specifically pick things that scream YOU (envision a dog marking his territory).


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

it-guy said:


> Ronin,
> 
> Was this your experience? I would like to here from guys who had wives that they made up with, and then the wives re-cheated. Just curious myself since I chose to make up.


Based on his "MANifesto" thread, Ronin employs a quite strong "zero tolerance" policy...once a woman makes a mistake, she's kicked to the curb.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Thx again, people... first day back at work since DDay.
This is hard. Really hard.
I'm actually not currently so worried she's off running around doing anything wrong. I'm not even so insanely focused on her doing it again "years from now" (although yes, it's a doubt and a question). I'm fully absorbed in "Can I/how DO I 'forgive' what she's done? How do I let go of the sick pit in the stomach knowledge that while I was off slaving in a job I hated, she was home infatuated and falling 'in love'...?" I just don't see it happening, even though we actually had a pretty good thing when I was home, and we have a 6 yr old -- hence why I am giving MC & the process it's chance so I can know if/when I walk away, I tried... 
Man-o-man, this is hard  
You people do help; thank you.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

2xloser, Just take it day by day. That is all we can do. Do what you gotta do at home and try to focus on you as much as you can. I also had a really really hard time going back to work. I'm a partner in my company so I found myself being very unproductive. It probably took a couple of months for me to get back into the swing of things.

After a while the days will pass easier and easier. And hopefully you will find that like me...the home life getts better and better.

I know full and well that my wife and I have a stonger relationship because of this. It sucks how we got here, and there will be trust issues. But I KNOW that we love each other very much and we are talking, being open, and making time for each other. Just this morning I left the house and was a little shocked how helpful and affectionate she was.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

2X, I am with you on this. It has been 10 days since d-day for me and I had to go to work all last week and am back at work again today. Obviously not getting much done if I'm reading threads on here, but at least I'm not sitting at my desk and hoping that no one stops by to talk with me as I sit and feel miserable.

My wife and I have spent a large portion of every day talking and talking and talking and I do think we are getting somewhere. I think she is still grieving for the loss of the relationship (she broke off the physical in December but was still maintaining a friendship).

I made her call and end all contact by phone, I spoke with him and made it clear that he was not welcome in our lives. I still have not been able to call the OM's wife, but I am going to try to do it asap as it will just get harder the longer I go. So kudos to you for getting that difficult job out of the way. 

I am hopeful that we will get through this. We are both seeing therapists and a marriage counselor to work through it and we are both reading "After the Affair". 

I don't know if I can trust her again, but I'm going to work at rebuilding it. 

Anyway, just wanted you to know that there's plenty of us out here with you. It helps me a lot to know I'm not alone in feeling this way.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"Based on his "MANifesto" thread, Ronin employs a quite strong "zero tolerance" policy...once a woman makes a mistake, she's kicked to the curb."- I'm in with him on this too. Read my sad story.

I really hope you find SOME semblance of happiness- I REALLY do. Keep in mind what Frank Drebin said though-"Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes." Choice words to live by, my friend.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Totally understand the point, ahhhmaaaan. Totally.
I'm not sure where I will end up; this is my struggle. 

One thing I AM realizing is there is great knowledge in understanding consistency and patterns from the experience of others -- and that there is also great danger in generalizing 'all' or 'every' person or situation is the same and must be treated identically. My approach continues to be collecting input, evaluating all that I can collect as applied to my own situation, then taking thoughtful actions -- and adjusting as I learn. It's all I can do at this point, because if I deal with it on pure raw emotion, I'm simply in jail. There are dozens and dozens of variables hat make each situation different -- the most important, imho, is how the cheater approaches the situation. If they aren't fully remorseful and truly committed to working it out, I don't see how the offended spouse can 'make' it work.
I may very well end up kicking wife to the curb in the end, but I will be able to do so with chin held high knowing I did *everything* possible to try and work through it. I may not be able to get past it, but I will not do leave my young son a split household on anyones black & white manifesto based on their own individual experience, nor will I look back and wonder 'what if'... it's all got value as input & consideration for me, but I have to sort it all and use what works for me. I know that makes me weak in some ways, but I'm learning to live with that. I still have to look in the mirror. 

Meanwhile, absolutely on my toes standing at the urinal of life


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

2xloser,

That's a good way to look at it all. And I am trying to do the same. Everyones situation is slightly different. And in most cases the attitude of the cheater kind of directs the outcome. Not in all....but most.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

it-guy said:


> 2xloser,
> 
> That's a good way to look at it all. And I am trying to do the same. Everyones situation is slightly different. And in most cases the attitude of the cheater kind of directs the outcome. Not in all....but most.


Yes, everyone's got their own choices to make, and their own situation behind it. For me, it's .000002% "easier" because it was alreay over when I discovered... there's just no way I'd beg her to leave OM if he was in the picture... but that's also part of my own dilemma now. Had I found out while it was still going on, it would have been a one-sentence conversation: "Choose him or me, now." She says she would have chosen me without hesitation, but I'll never really know. So of course, it's part of what haunts me.

MAN this is hard!


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I feel ya... I feel ya... Not every sitch is the same, and most importantly- 2x has to do what is right for 2x.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

"2x has to do what is right for 2x"

yessiree.... now if I could just figure out what that is


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