# Post divorce sexual relations



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

There are a couple of threads concerning post divorce relations and sex. Mostly the concern the amount of time after divorce before engaging in them. But I am curious as to how those of us who are divorced feel about sex post divorce. 
Often times we were married to one person for years and our SO was the only person we had sex with during that time. We became very familiar (perhaps too familiar in some cases) with that one person. How they felt, what they liked, what they were going to do, what you could do etc. 
So my question is how hard was it to get used to your new partner? Was it exciting or uncomfortable to have a strange hand touching your most intimate regions? Or you reaching for something that different that you were used to, perhaps a smaller or less responsive nipple, or shaved vs bushy?
Also, how did your feeling in regard to sex itself change post divorce? Many times it has been years since we were on the market. So how did your outlook on sex itself change. On the one hand there is something to be said for valuing yourself enough to not give it away, on the other hand there is much to say about getting out there an exploring your sexuality as a liberated person. Was it something you were more willing to do earlier or something you held back as the final test of a relation?
I know my rebound relationship was a mixture of excitement and discomfort. The rebound was much more aggressive, more vocal, more adventuresome and physically different (she was much more toned and taut than my ex and more petite, with smaller breasts) I went from gentle to near savage at times with the rebound and it really threw me off. As I wasn't expecting it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Well, I'll say that for myself, post divorce and pre-reconcilation 4 years later, I was not in the "valuing myself enough to not give it away" camp. I did NOT value myself and sought validation in wrong ways for sure. And that (the fact I was with other men) ended up being something my ex-husband developed utter disdain with me over, and was one of the things that ultimately led to him wanting nothing to do with our reconciliation after all. This was of course after he got a lot of money out of my mom and me to buy his dream house. But, I digress.

My ex was great in bed, that's the one positive thing I'll say about him. I think there's something to be said about really knowing each other in that way and getting used to each other over years of being together. (There were some things that were different after our 4 year separation, though....) Sex with others was fine I guess, but honestly since I can't really remember anything super great about it.....I guess it wasn't THAT great, right? Still, it's exciting to be wanted and that's what I remember most.

This time around I'm planted firmly in the "valuing myself to not give it away" camp. I've grown a LOT in the last five years. Not done, though.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"Savage" yeah I can tell you are still struggling being a single guy! /sarc off
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I looked for "validation" in the wrong way as well. Always been more than healthy but had trouble getting it up at first, and didn't enjoy with condoms but wasn't stupid enough to do without them. Didn't like as much as my ex period. Them I finally met my current gf. It was good, but wasn't great for me for a few months. Now I couldn't ask for better. All systems go and falling in love makes all the difference. It seems the tables have turned now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> "Savage" yeah I can tell you are still struggling being a single guy! /sarc off
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think most guys might have felt a little brutalized haha


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RisingSun (Nov 1, 2015)

The first time my stbxw left our marriage I started to date someone about seven months later. She was really into me and the kissing was fantastic. In the two months we were together, we only had sex once. I felt I was cheating on my wife, so it made things very uncomfortable for myself and the new woman in my life. I did find it awkward... Is still very strange to be touching someone you and to have somebody new touch me. Simply put, I should've waited a longer period of time before moving on. That relationship lasted two months and then my stbxw and I reconciled. That lasted about two years and a little over six weeks ago she left the marriage for the second time.

Moving forward, i'm going to take my time and work on myself before I start dating again. I really miss having sex, but more than that I miss that special connection I felt between two people. That will happen again someday.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I've not really had an opportunity to get back out there. I've been trying to make it a priority, but as I mentioned in another post I am uneasy about it (perhaps terrified was too strong of a word on that other thread). 

After my first divorce, I had not problem getting out there and I had the time of my life. This time I just can't seem to get back out there. Maybe because I am older and wiser now???

I absolutely love sex and would like to have it one to multiple times daily, every day. It's been eight months. The last four years with my ex the scrappy sex was bad. So it's been a very long time since I have had good sex.

I can tell you after my first divorce I had some really great sex and it was very exciting to be touched by and to touch someone new. I yearn for that again. As soon as it happens I will report back to this thread! Lately I have been fantasizing about just giving someone else a BJ. That would be such a turn on and I don't want to lose my skills. Does that sound stupid?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband was my only sexual partner, ever, prior to our divorce, so the thought of an intimate relationship with someone else was pretty daunting. I don't do casual sex, one-night-stands, or friends with benefits. I have no problem with others who do, but I'm just not really wired that way. I'm not a prude and I really like sex, I just personally prefer to have it with someone with whom I'm in a caring, exclusive, romantic relationship. 

So, my first post-divorce sexual experience was with a gentleman I was in an exclusive dating relationship with. Honestly, it wasn't nearly as fraught as I'd imagined. A little awkward and certainly new and a bit different, but really a fun, exciting, experience. There's a line from American Pie that comes to mind. "It's not a space shuttle launch. It's sex." Yep. It's sex. Find someone who turns you on, that you like and enjoy, and just go from there as you feel comfortable. Don't avoid discussing it beforehand, but also don't overthink it to the point that you make yourself a nervous wreck. Chances are pretty good that your partner is less worried about how your body - or your performance - compares to a film star's, than about being with you. Try to relax and have fun, keep a sense of humor, and don't get bogged down in your own insecurities or in thinking about how your ex did whatever. After all, you're as new to your new partner as they are to you.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I was in a sexless marriage so getting divorced was like hitting the lottery. X was very conservative when we had the occasional sex. I am much for adventuresome. 

However, I am not into ONS so I had to find someone to date regularly and who I trusted enough to get my groove on with. Found an older man who I am still seeing and the sex is fantastic.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

I was also in a sexless marriage and I'm HD. I had to learn to bury that drive entirely. Once we separated, it came back with a vengeance. I was lucky to find two great FWB (not at the same time, but back to back). Regular partners I trusted and could explore my sexuality with, without the need for a relationship. 
Eventually the casual relationship was no longer enough for me; I was missing the emotional connection. I'm exclusive with someone now. Sex is great. I had a chance to see what I was missing, get my confidence and mojo back before I met him. Moving on, moving up!


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## RisingSun (Nov 1, 2015)

I would love a FWB at this point, but don't feel I'm ready for that yet... not that there are all that many possibilities in my town (at least that I'm aware of).


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

SARAHMCD said:


> I had to learn to bury that drive entirely. Once we separated, it came back with a vengeance.
> Eventually the casual relationship was no longer enough for me; I was missing the emotional connection. I'm exclusive with someone now. Sex is great. I had a chance to see what I was missing, get my confidence and mojo back before I met him. Moving on, moving up!


My story is very similar. My X left me during my sexual awakening. His betrayal hurt me so deep that I never desired him as a man. That part of my love died when D-day occurred. This allowed me to let go and move on with my life. I had several partners before meeting Mr. B. I am glad I was able to experiment with more partners than just my X. It helped me realize that Mr. B is the best I have had and I hope I will not need to know any others. 

He is 60 now and we are dealing with ED issues, but even with those issues, I am very fullfilled and content with our sex, love and intimacy. 

Our reconciliation is on positive ground. We are exclusively dating and our kids know we are back together. 

Don't feel awkward about sex with someone new. It will probably be different and after a bit, love and intimacy will make it great. This will allow the ackwardness to disappear. If you are dating women around your same age group, they will understand the changes a man may be going or will go through. It's great that there are several ways to skin a cat so to speak. 

Openly talking about your needs and being receptive and also reciprocating will help in enjoying a great sex life with a new partner.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Ya know I worry about this as well. The only women I have been with in 22 years was my ex wife. If I do ever find someone else I am a little nervous about sex.

Im not saying something new wont be exciting. Its almost like being a virgin again


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ya know I worry about this as well. The only women I have been with in 22 years was my ex wife. If I do ever find someone else I am a little nervous about sex.
> 
> Im not saying something new wont be exciting. Its almost like being a virgin again


I'm sure she will be gentle with you the first few times.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> I'm sure she will be gentle with you the first few times.


And then the Savage will come out:grin2:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I healed for 2x years before ANY dating. I'd also had a dead bedroom with my ex H nearly 8 months before our separation and D, so when I had sex again it was after a dry spell of over 3 years. No issues, just ended up having sex with a man that wasn't going to work out long term, and we'd waited 4 months to have sex (relationship was 8 months total). 

I met my SO about 4 months after my breakup, and the connection was natural. The spark was there, and we respected a "do not rush" mentality and let things flow naturally. It's been wonderful. The sex is off the charts for us both. The bond is loving and strong. We are not codependent. We are not "enmeshed." We have not sacrificed our individuality for the sake of our relationship. All of those things had happened in my first marriage and I learned from it all. We are the natural joining of two, already established, full, happy, healthy lives. 

I won't speak for others and everyone is different, but I strongly believe the amount of healing and time I lived alone really put me in a better place to find what I really wanted and to build a healthy relationship. I'd recommend the same to anyone.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I agree about waiting and healing. I'm trying to focus on myself and my faults. I am the only common denominator in two failed marriages. My picker is broken and I need to find out why. 

The only thing that's been between my legs lately are kettle-bells during a work out. I am OK with that for a bit longer.


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