# Looking for Perpective



## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

Hey All! Been lurking these forums for a few years now and it's bee a nice mix of entertainment and information. 

Figured I would finally make a thread and welcome some outside perspective into my marriage, mostly due to boredom, but also curious as to what others have to say.

Been with the wife for 11 years, married 3. I'm 32, wife is 34. No kids, no house, no mortgage. Relationship has always been great, and we truly our the missing pieces in each others lives. We have always communicated very well, and very openly and honestly. As with all long term relationships it is something we have had to work on over the years to maintain, and it is probably not the same level as it was when we first met, but for all intents and purposes we have pretty good communication still. We also tend not to have too many big arguements as we are both on the same page regarding most things and if not, since communication is open, we talk about it and compromise as best as possible. 

Alas, no marriage is perfect. While we are still extremely effectionate, our sex life has become non-existent. That said, we both have mental health issues and take medication for said issues, which can affect our sex drive. We also both have some medical conditions that can affect said sex drive as well. 

Wife spends a lot of time on Facebook, too much in my opinion. Basically, every night, at some point she will curl up with her tablet and go on Facebook, or play games on there (not social games where she can talk to others, think block games like tetris). I feel this effects us negatively as when I try and engage her in conversation she is not giving it her full attention, but says she is listening because she can "mult-task" prft. Even for passive activities like watching shows we both enjoy together, she mult-tasks on the tablet and ends up missing things or asking for recaps etc and I find it unfair and a bit tiresome sometimes. This has been communicated to her, but the practice has not stopped. Another thing to note is that she has two of her Ex's on facebook including the one she was in a years long, longterm relationship with, just before dating me.

Now, I can already hear the howls for divorce! Shes cheating! etc but truly no, she is not. I have access to the cell, tablet and facebook, as well as email, whenever I want. I have done spot checks and nothing. I have snooped (mental health issue, I'm paranoid) and nothing. I have watched her on FB several times, making it seem like I was doing something else, and nothing out of the ordinary. I have checked chat logs on facebook, again nothing zilch and I never see her talking/chatting with anyone on there. She rarely hangs out with friends (not that she has none, we are both just homebodies) and never has girls nights out. She works all day and comes home right after. In terms of activities we do mostly everything together, even shopping (and shes not overly girls so she doesnt go clothes/shoes shopping much, wooohooo!) so, not in a controlling manner but more in a we enjoy doing most activities together even small ones, I am pretty much with her whenever she leaves the house, unless she is going to something like a babyshower. Store or shopping, I'm there. Medical appointments, I'm there. Above and beyond that, she likes to spend time around the house and that is party because she is VERY close to her family (we live in the MIL's basement apartment of her house, totally seperate rental unit, but did so to save money towards a mortgage downpayment) and her mom. She has two older sisters, with one sister having two kids and the other 3, and she is EXTREMELY close to the kids, so she spends a lot of time with them doing things. Lastly, she likes doing little home renovations and such, so combine it all together and she doesnt have many trips out of the house that I am not around (if any) for and generally zero social interaction trips.

So Tam, what say you? Sexless marriage, combined with too much time on facebook with ex's on friends list, combined with all other factors I mentioned, equals much to do about nothing? Or am I missing something here and should be digging deeper? Let the games begin!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Married Man's Sex Life Primer...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

PBear said:


> Married Man's Sex Life Primer...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've downloaded it but haven't had time to get through it yet. From what I have read, it does seem to offer some effective advice so I will be finishing the book in the near future. Thanks for the suggestion, cheers!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You are in denial OP. Your relationship is BROKEN, quite the opposite of "great".

Lack of intimacy automatically puts ANY Relationship into "broken" status. I don't care if you guys act like lovebirds, if you are not intimate........it's a HUGE/SERIOUS issue.

I would suggest that you express to your wife how you feel about that and define your frequency/desires. You should of course ask her as well and make sure those are met.

BEFORE that though, you need to work on communication issues. Ask her to have enough respect for you to put down the tablet and have your attention.

Clearly she is addicted to Facebook/tablet (nothing new, something MANY people now days are dealing with).

Now, onto the last issue. Her EX. In most relationships, it's a BOUNDARY to not have relationships or contact with Ex's. Seems like you haven't made this your boundary? Or perhaps you didn't define it with your wife? Maybe it's time. How would she feel if you texted your ex or other women? YEAH.

You should be LUCKY you have no kids or deeper commitments, cause ALL of that would make your entire situation SO much worse.

Good luck, I hope your wife listens to your concerns and start addressing them.

Also, your entire attitude and outlook will need to change as well. Clearly, you are part of the problem if you haven't initiated sex etc (assuming that happened). Besides that, remember, marriage requires HARD WORK on daily basis......not "here and there", it's not easy, it won't be easy, nothing is.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

OP, I am struck by a couple of things in your post. I don't think that your marriage is completely broken, but it is on the path to destruction for sure.

First, when your wife is using fb, does she use it just when she is spending time with you, or does she do this to everybody? I ask because if it is with everybody, it is an issue about addiction. If she only has this habit with you, it is a sign of boredom with you. That makes it a problem that needs addressing very quickly. You have to make your wife sit down and explain the seriousness of this. It might only be an annoyance to you now, but resentment will grow quickly if you don't address it now.

Second, you didn't make it clear if you have tried to initiate sex and your wife has turned you down, or if you both don't initiate ever. As DoF mentioned, intimacy is an important part of marriage. In fact, without it, you will grow apart and the connection that you share will fade. How do I know? I lived apart from my spouse for work reasons, and it was really hard on both of us.

Last, I am glad to hear that you think you have such open communication with your wife. However, I think you have to rethink how Open that communication is. You're wife is not intimate with you. She would rather sit on fb then be alone with you. Something is missing. Maybe she is not really telling you how she feels because right now she is comfortable in the situation. Regardless, you need to talk about how you feel. 

I don't think your wife is cheating, but you definitely have problems. Talk about it now and don't let it go for any longer.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

Tell her to get fer fking exes off her Facebook account. If she refuses tell her to find somewhere else to sleep.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Fill in the blanks:

I am ___ lbs overweight.
I go out with my buddies ___ times a month.
I have a great hobby that I do ___ times a week.
I initiate sex clearly, consistently, ___ times a week.
I get noticed by other women ___ times a month.
I get my stuff done around the house ___ .
I have made it completely ___ that I expect any marriage to that I will be part of to include sex willingly ___ times a week.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon marduk
I don't see anything to indicate that this is the OP's fault in any way. His wife may be somewhat addicted to social media (not that uncommon) or there may be some deeper issues. 

Maybe he is a disgusting fat slob who doesn't work, and spends his life drinking with friends - but I didn't get a hint of that from his post. 

It is fair to ask if he has changed in some significant way since they were married - not counting what would be expected with age. 





marduk said:


> Fill in the blanks:
> 
> I am ___ lbs overweight.
> I go out with my buddies ___ times a month.
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon marduk
> I don't see anything to indicate that this is the OP's fault in any way. His wife may be somewhat addicted to social media (not that uncommon) or there may be some deeper issues.
> 
> Maybe he is a disgusting fat slob who doesn't work, and spends his life drinking with friends - but I didn't get a hint of that from his post.
> ...


I didn't say he was a fat slob or anything else.

I'm saying that these things can rule things out.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Call me crazy but you should still be in relatively peak physical condition at age 31 if you're a man. And it goes without saying that a healthy 31 year old man is going to want fairly frequent sex. Good God, if it's infrequent now, what do you expect it will be like in 15 to 20 years? That could be downright "monk"-like.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It sounds like your wife needs a social life of her own. Its great that the two of you do so much together, but you should each have your own friends to spend time with on your own as well. If not friends, then family members to socialize with. I totally get being a home body, I am one as well, but it shouldnt be ALL you do. Try encouraging her to go out now and then, and you do the same as well. Or find a hobby that takes her outside of the home for a bit. Its healthy for both of you.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Maybe it's just me, but I didn't see a broken marriage in that post. I see a very close, functional relationship, that is lacking in a few areas but can very much be brought to rights.

My best idea would be to ask her for an honest discussion. Tell her that she is extremely important to you, and that you miss her and are unhappy about a few things. Encourage her to be as revealing as you - if this conversation is just you complaining, it's going to be perceived as a one-sided attack and she will be on the defensive. "I miss the closeness we used to have. Remember when we would [fill in the blank]? Wasn't that great? Those are some of my best memories. I am sure I have dropped the ball on some things that are important to you, too. Let's figure out what we can be doing better for each other." 

I would NOT criticize her facebook time. Honestly, IF you were getting your needs met - greater intimacy and closeness, some dedicated "date" time frequently, regular "sex" (even if the meds prevent actual sex...just rolling around together can fill that void) - would you honestly care about the facebook? I believe facebook is getting under your skin precisely because you feel alienated in other ways by your spouse. If she was making more of an effort to please you, I bet it would become a non-issue. So don't take on the role of "Dad" by forbidding facebook or even asking her to give it up. You don't want a daughter you have to patrol and parent - you want a loving wife. Just present your needs in a caring, respectful manner, and ask her to do the same.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

While I don't anything necessarily alarming, it certainly seems like you are in a rut.

I think it is great that you do a lot of things together, but at the same time I wonder if you have an identity apart from your wife...and I submit into evidence the fact that there is no sex and the low level of consideration that she offers to you.

This is going to change when YOU take the initiative to make some alterations to your personal behavior. I also believe that your protests may be too mild if she flippantly disregards your concerns...a sign that you are way too passive, too agreeable, and making yourself so indispensable that you are being taken for granted. Your pleas are coming off too weak i assume for her to respond, either that or she is using your passivity to feign ignorance and avoid intimacy because she probably has intimacy issues, low physical desire, OR has lost some sexual attraction towards you..

Start working on changing yourself...get INTENTIONAL. Start a life of your own. Work on making more direct communication about YOUR DESIRES, YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Don't have to be a jerk, just more direct and succinct. Stay consistent...as this is about a personal transformation in you...NOT about her and getting more sex out of her. If that is your underlying motive...it will all BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE. Her responses will be the fruit of the changes you make. Get it? So get the focus off of her, work on yourself, get an identity, get a voice and a passion, then start exploring...and she'll likely get curious, test the boundaries, get excited about your new direction, and will want to go exploring with you.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

yeah i am thinking you two ARE fairly compatible. But you have to both work at finding pursuits that are NOT just the two of you. Develop hobbies and interests. Find something you are passionate about. 

She is into computer games. That is her way of occupying time without interacting with you. Maybe you go into another room and read a book for an hour or so to give her some alone time, then come in and you can rightfully expect more attention then?


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

WOW guys, thanks for the gambit of replies! They are all appreciated. I will try to reply to all, but just wanted to say thanks in this stand alone post. I should also clarify, I think I was a bit antagonistic in my opening post, by being overly happy and smarmy, trust that I know everything is not sunshine and rainbows! Also, I come on here at work mostly (shhhhh) so if I am missing in action for a while it's because im not at work, or too busy at work to reply.


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

DoF said:


> You are in denial OP. Your relationship is BROKEN, quite the opposite of "great".
> 
> Lack of intimacy automatically puts ANY Relationship into "broken" status. I don't care if you guys act like lovebirds, if you are not intimate........it's a HUGE/SERIOUS issue.
> 
> ...



Firstly, me and my wife know how sex affects intimacy and have discussed it. In said discussions we have also confirmed that sex is not the end all, be all, for our intimacy needs. We both agree we need to have sex more, but as others have suggested, we are in a bit of a rut, for multiple reasons. On that note, neither of us have any desire to look outside the marriage to fill any intimacy gap and are only looking at what we can do to have more sex in our marriage. I will address the facebook thing in a later reply, but a poster below summed it up pretty well and for my wife this is truly just a downtime activity, and while it frusterates me sometimes, I believe I probably use it as a tool to nitpick passive agrressively. Trust if I ask for her full attention or for her to not use it when we are doing something, then the tablet is put away.

As for the last issue, I made it known when it happened that I was not happy with having her ex as a friend on facebook. HOWEVER, I was willing to conceded on this for two reasons, firstly several of her siblings had said ex on their facebook, and secondly she has a real life example of people being in a long term relationship and still being amicable afterwards, as her mom and dad are divorced but still talk and when there are important events for the kids both will attend and are extremely civil and friendly to each other. So while I was displeased, it was not my boundary to have her delete him. My boundaries regarding it were clear, there was to be no communication with them and I was to hear of any attempted communication on their part. This means they do not like each others posts, pictures, updates, play games together, chat, or email. There is literally no communication of any kind between them, thus I didn't push on her deleting them all together. That being said, I have also checked to ensure she would do so if asked, and when asked she has agreed to do so.

As for the lack of sex, we are both part of the problem, but I will again address this in a different reply that is more on topic to that point. Thanks again for your input, it is very much appreciated.


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

inquizitivemind said:


> OP, I am struck by a couple of things in your post. I don't think that your marriage is completely broken, but it is on the path to destruction for sure.
> 
> First, when your wife is using fb, does she use it just when she is spending time with you, or does she do this to everybody? I ask because if it is with everybody, it is an issue about addiction. If she only has this habit with you, it is a sign of boredom with you. That makes it a problem that needs addressing very quickly. You have to make your wife sit down and explain the seriousness of this. It might only be an annoyance to you now, but resentment will grow quickly if you don't address it now.
> 
> ...



As my wife doesnt go out much, or hang out with friends much, when she is out with them she is not on facebook. Further more, she doesn't even have a data plan on her phone, so she doesn't use facebook on her phone, only at home on the tablet. I think the better analogy would be to ask if she uses it during activities that she enjoys solely and the answer would be yes. For example, she love the amazing race, I dont, so when the show is on I generally find something else to do, however, even though it is her favourite show and she is able to watch it without me distracting her, she still plays on her tablet and ends up missing things and rewinding the DVR. Also, I should say her time on the tablet is split between being on facebook and playing the solo block tetris type games, so I should have said she spends too much time on tablet and not facebook per se. I don't think its a matter of being bored with me, as it's always been her routine to use her laptop (Tablet was a gift last year for bday) in the evening to wind down.

As for sex, at this point neither of us intiate. However, we both know we need to and we both know we need to have more sex, life just has a way of popping up and messing with those best layed plans. That being said, we definitly know its impact on a relationship and have weathered this storm before, as like you, we had a long distance relationship for a few years.


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

marduk said:


> Fill in the blanks:
> 
> I am _35__ lbs overweight.
> I go out with my buddies __4-6_ times a month.
> ...


I didn't answer the last one because the way it was formatted or posed, didnt read right to me. Anyway, I have not made it clear how many times I expect willing sex weekly.


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon marduk
> I don't see anything to indicate that this is the OP's fault in any way. His wife may be somewhat addicted to social media (not that uncommon) or there may be some deeper issues.
> 
> Maybe he is a disgusting fat slob who doesn't work, and spends his life drinking with friends - but I didn't get a hint of that from his post.
> ...


It's not my fault, or my wifes, it is BOTH of ours and we know this! Honestly, I posted just to get a critque of my marriage, but should have guessed the focus would fall on us being sexless, I mean out of what I wrote it would be naive for me to think otherwise!

I am overweight, as is my wife, and this is definitly an issue in our sex life as we both have body image issues as part of our mental health problems. That being said, we were both in decent shape when we met, and I have always been active as I played organized sports (basketball and football) back in high school and then worked at a YMCA doing youth programs for years afterwards while in University. However, once I stopped working there, I didn't do much of anything physical and did not start going to the gym, plus wife was living away during the long distance relationship phase of things, thus we both ended up putting on some weight. One of my current goals is to get us back in shape, and to do so by leading the charge. 

Lastly, I am an employed office schlub and my wife is part of the medical field. I don't go out partying with the boys all the time and hardly ever drink. THat being said, I do have a life outside of my house, so I don't sit around on the couch all the time either.


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> Call me crazy but you should still be in relatively peak physical condition at age 31 if you're a man. And it goes without saying that a healthy 31 year old man is going to want fairly frequent sex. Good God, if it's infrequent now, what do you expect it will be like in 15 to 20 years? That could be downright "monk"-like.


Touche`! I would say that I am not all that healthy. For years my eating habits were horrendous and I still don't eat the greatest to this day, however, I do eat much better then I ever did before. Was diagnosed with diabetes a few years ago (Type 2) and had to take meds but was able to stop that by exercising and changing my diet. That being said, some cardiovascular problems reside in my family, like high cholestoral and blood pressure, which can impact performance to say the least. I'm also on anti-depressents and/or anti-anxiety meds and they tend to play games with your libido to say the least.


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

Faeleaf said:


> Maybe it's just me, but I didn't see a broken marriage in that post. I see a very close, functional relationship, that is lacking in a few areas but can very much be brought to rights.
> 
> My best idea would be to ask her for an honest discussion. Tell her that she is extremely important to you, and that you miss her and are unhappy about a few things. Encourage her to be as revealing as you - if this conversation is just you complaining, it's going to be perceived as a one-sided attack and she will be on the defensive. "I miss the closeness we used to have. Remember when we would [fill in the blank]? Wasn't that great? Those are some of my best memories. I am sure I have dropped the ball on some things that are important to you, too. Let's figure out what we can be doing better for each other."
> 
> I would NOT criticize her facebook time. Honestly, IF you were getting your needs met - greater intimacy and closeness, some dedicated "date" time frequently, regular "sex" (even if the meds prevent actual sex...just rolling around together can fill that void) - would you honestly care about the facebook? I believe facebook is getting under your skin precisely because you feel alienated in other ways by your spouse. If she was making more of an effort to please you, I bet it would become a non-issue. So don't take on the role of "Dad" by forbidding facebook or even asking her to give it up. You don't want a daughter you have to patrol and parent - you want a loving wife. Just present your needs in a caring, respectful manner, and ask her to do the same.


I think you've kind of hit the nail on the head. I think I focus on the tablet use and facebooking as a lightning rod or hot button issue to vent some of my frustration of my needs not being met. Not just sexually either, not to say there hasnt been points I have wanted us to be doing it more, but with the current meds my attitude towards it has been kind of meh and I have become pretty LD to say the least. But your right, I still want the "quality time" and solo time with her and if I had it then I wouldn't focus so much on the tablet use. I like your approach to discussing the issue as well, so thank you for your input and help!


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> While I don't anything necessarily alarming, it certainly seems like you are in a rut.
> 
> I think it is great that you do a lot of things together, but at the same time I wonder if you have an identity apart from your wife...and I submit into evidence the fact that there is no sex and the low level of consideration that she offers to you.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the advice! I fully admit some of the issues in the bedroom are mine. I know there are some changes to make in that regard and that those changes will have a positive impact on our sex life, I just have to man up and make them. That being said, at this point it's not the wife denies me and in fact does not when I initiate, I just don't initiate often anymore and she never has from the start as she has always been LD. I guess my point is, I don't think our lack of sex is due to her losing interest in me, but she's always been LD and it's always fallen on me to keep that department active, so without me being active in that role, things have stalled and hit a rut, which we are both aware we have to get out of.


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> yeah i am thinking you two ARE fairly compatible. But you have to both work at finding pursuits that are NOT just the two of you. Develop hobbies and interests. Find something you are passionate about.
> 
> She is into computer games. That is her way of occupying time without interacting with you. Maybe you go into another room and read a book for an hour or so to give her some alone time, then come in and you can rightfully expect more attention then?


I'm actually a gamer myself, so trust that I actually like that she has something to occupy her time, sometimes, as it allows me some downtime to "game" as well. My problem is, every so often I look at us and think, we should be doing something different, or chatting, or something/anything! But I think that is due to the lack of sex and my own personal anxiety's, because we both enjoy doing our "own" thing, but I get caught in comparing to others and start to think maybe we don't talk enough, or we don't this that or the other much, and I start thinking of all those long term couples that just end up as room mates and it makes me want to add variety to things in order to ensure that doesn't happen.

That being said, I can honestly say I have more of a life outside of the house then she does. She rarely goes out to hang out with friends, and I go see my best friend at least 2-3 times a week, with one of those instances usually being a smaller social gathering with some mutual friends which she doesn't usually attend. I also go play sports with this person, and then above and beyond that I play fantasy football for 8 months of the year and it is a fairly social game, so I am out of the house once a week at least watching football, or have people over to watch the games on sundays. However, I think my wife looks at her family time as time out with friends or social time, and in that regard then she is out as much as me as she spends a lot of time with her nieces, sisters and mom.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I am _35__ lbs overweight.
I go out with my buddies __4-6_ times a month.
I have a great hobby that I do __4-5_ times a week.
I initiate sex clearly, consistently, __0_ times a week.
I get noticed by other women _10-15__ times a month.
I get my stuff done around the house __70%_ .


Outside Perspective said:


> I didn't answer the last one because the way it was formatted or posed, didnt read right to me. Anyway, I have not made it clear how many times I expect willing sex weekly.


Awesome, some great positive stuff here and some easy stuff to try.

35 lbs overweight isn't bad, but I'd start working out with weights and watching what you eat if you don't already anyway. Can't hurt, and can't hurt her being more attracted to you. You get checked out, so you're attractive. Great!

Awesome that you spend time with your buddies. I need to do more of this, and I've noticed that when I don't, my marriage suffers.

Let's work on initiations. Have you ever walked up to her, started kissing her and taking her clothes off?

Or said "wife, let's go upstairs and get naked?"

Or whatever floats your boat but is quite direct and doesn't come across like you're politely asking for her to give you sex, but instead is a husband going for sex with his wife?

And it would be worthwhile sitting her down, telling her you feel like you're in a rut sex-wise, and how she feels about that.

She might not feel wanted if you're not initiating directly often. Mine doesn't.


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

A little more background information. I suffer from depression and anxiety (for which I take meds sometimes). I also have type 2 diabetes that is controlled through diet. Have high cholestoral and probably high blood pressure, and I'm a smoker. Picture of health eh? Anyway, lets just say that this has wound up creating some negative sex sessions and that is probably one of the reasons for the infrequent sex as well. There have been times I couldn't "keep it up" due to meds or cardiovascular issues, and obviously that was embarrasing and puts a negative light on things, and as I suffer from anxiety I then worry if it will happen again. Also, my stamina is not what it used to be and there have been times I have had to stop without finishing because it was taking too long (please note, it has always taken me awhile to peak, and with meds that time would increase thus creating the issues) and I mean over an hour or more, at which point not only am I tired, but I feel like the wife is thinking hurry the hell up already! Just like the old Dave Chapelle skit when she has the wrap it up clock going with the must they use to cut you off at the Oscars lol Not to mention some of the meds and or medical issues are somewhat energy sapping, so combined with the thought of lasting forever and sometimes I honestly just feel like its not worth the effort. Now some of that may be the meds making me LD, as we all know sex is worth any/all effort! lol

As for the wife, she has a number of medical issues as well. Type1 diabetic, lupus, and depression. Above and beyond that, we just recovered her from a heart attack she suffered this January, and yes she was only 33! So, in regards to the immediate past few months, there have been a number of factors preventing us from getting back in rhthym, however, we were still infrequent before the heart attack. One thing to mention here is that my wife is also on blood thinners (before the heart attach) as she had a clot when she was a teenager, thus she is only able take certain meds as they interact with everything else she takes. Once in particular is birth control and at this point there are only two ones she can go on, and the one she is currently on basically gives her her period, bi-weekly. Lastly, she gets yeast infections numerous times a year as well. So when you put it all together you can see that sometimes there are times of the year that sex can only really be had during a finite timeline, which means I have to be ready to go and as I established sometimes my own issues prevent that from being the case.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Outside Perspective said:


> A little more background information. I suffer from depression and anxiety (for which I take meds sometimes). I also have type 2 diabetes that is controlled through diet. Have high cholestoral and probably high blood pressure, and I'm a smoker. Picture of health eh? Anyway, lets just say that this has wound up creating some negative sex sessions and that is probably one of the reasons for the infrequent sex as well. There have been times I couldn't "keep it up" due to meds or cardiovascular issues, and obviously that was embarrasing and puts a negative light on things, and as I suffer from anxiety I then worry if it will happen again. Also, my stamina is not what it used to be and there have been times I have had to stop without finishing because it was taking too long (please note, it has always taken me awhile to peak, and with meds that time would increase thus creating the issues) and I mean over an hour or more, at which point not only am I tired, but I feel like the wife is thinking hurry the hell up already! Just like the old Dave Chapelle skit when she has the wrap it up clock going with the must they use to cut you off at the Oscars lol Not to mention some of the meds and or medical issues are somewhat energy sapping, so combined with the thought of lasting forever and sometimes I honestly just feel like its not worth the effort. Now some of that may be the meds making me LD, as we all know sex is worth any/all effort! lol
> 
> As for the wife, she has a number of medical issues as well. Type1 diabetic, lupus, and depression. Above and beyond that, we just recovered her from a heart attack she suffered this January, and yes she was only 33! So, in regards to the immediate past few months, there have been a number of factors preventing us from getting back in rhthym, however, we were still infrequent before the heart attack. One thing to mention here is that my wife is also on blood thinners (before the heart attach) as she had a clot when she was a teenager, thus she is only able take certain meds as they interact with everything else she takes. Once in particular is birth control and at this point there are only two ones she can go on, and the one she is currently on basically gives her her period, bi-weekly. Lastly, she gets yeast infections numerous times a year as well. So when you put it all together you can see that sometimes there are times of the year that sex can only really be had during a finite timeline, which means I have to be ready to go and as I established sometimes my own issues prevent that from being the case.


You could make some serious improvement in your health by just QUITTING SMOKING. Horrible, disgusting habit. You mention having performance issues sometimes, well smoking can cause that. So you can help your blood pressure AND some of the ED just by eliminating one nasty habit. Unless your wife also smokes, I am quite sure she would be appreciative of that as well. The two of you currently sound 20 years older than you actually are!  Maybe try getting out and WALKING. Super easy way to get started on some exercise.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Outside Perspective said:


> A little more background information. I suffer from depression and anxiety (for which I take meds sometimes). I also have type 2 diabetes that is controlled through diet. Have high cholestoral and probably high blood pressure, and I'm a smoker. Picture of health eh? Anyway, lets just say that this has wound up creating some negative sex sessions and that is probably one of the reasons for the infrequent sex as well. There have been times I couldn't "keep it up" due to meds or cardiovascular issues, and obviously that was embarrasing and puts a negative light on things, and as I suffer from anxiety I then worry if it will happen again. Also, my stamina is not what it used to be and there have been times I have had to stop without finishing because it was taking too long (please note, it has always taken me awhile to peak, and with meds that time would increase thus creating the issues) and I mean over an hour or more, at which point not only am I tired, but I feel like the wife is thinking hurry the hell up already! Just like the old Dave Chapelle skit when she has the wrap it up clock going with the must they use to cut you off at the Oscars lol Not to mention some of the meds and or medical issues are somewhat energy sapping, so combined with the thought of lasting forever and sometimes I honestly just feel like its not worth the effort. Now some of that may be the meds making me LD, as we all know sex is worth any/all effort! lol
> 
> As for the wife, she has a number of medical issues as well. Type1 diabetic, lupus, and depression. Above and beyond that, we just recovered her from a heart attack she suffered this January, and yes she was only 33! So, in regards to the immediate past few months, there have been a number of factors preventing us from getting back in rhthym, however, we were still infrequent before the heart attack. One thing to mention here is that my wife is also on blood thinners (before the heart attach) as she had a clot when she was a teenager, thus she is only able take certain meds as they interact with everything else she takes. Once in particular is birth control and at this point there are only two ones she can go on, and the one she is currently on basically gives her her period, bi-weekly. Lastly, she gets yeast infections numerous times a year as well. So when you put it all together you can see that sometimes there are times of the year that sex can only really be had during a finite timeline, which means I have to be ready to go and as I established sometimes my own issues prevent that from being the case.


WOW.

First of all, congratulations for having a sex life at _all_ with that many medical/health issues between the two of you! It shows you are both "in" this.

Stop smoking. Do what it takes. Sex life aside. But if it takes thinking you'll get laid more to stop, so be it. But stop.

Deal with the high blood pressure. This is a killer, and can also cause a ton of sexual complications.

Start with those two. Take a few months with that. Take the pressure off other stuff and just deal with that.


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> You could make some serious improvement in your health by just QUITTING SMOKING. Horrible, disgusting habit. You mention having performance issues sometimes, well smoking can cause that. So you can help your blood pressure AND some of the ED just by eliminating one nasty habit. Unless your wife also smokes, I am quite sure she would be appreciative of that as well. The two of you currently sound 20 years older than you actually are!  Maybe try getting out and WALKING. Super easy way to get started on some exercise.





marduk said:


> WOW.
> 
> First of all, congratulations for having a sex life at _all_ with that many medical/health issues between the two of you! It shows you are both "in" this.
> 
> ...


Thanks to both of you for the advice and sincere suggestions, I am truly appreciative. The smoking issue is a battle we have been fighting for months now, but we are trying to quit, so know that it is on our radar. Funny story, we bought a bunch of smoking cessation stuff just after Xmas so that we could quit come the new year, and then my wife has the heart attack, which of course put more of an emphasis on quitting...but also made me want to smoke that much more! That being said, my wife doesn't buy them anymore, but will still smoke off of me, and while I have cut down, I need to cut it out totally if for no other reason then I cannot be the enabler for that bad habit, for my wife, knowing that it impacts her health so greatly due to the heart attack. So quitting smoking is a priority for us both, especially me. 

I should also state we are very affectionate still, kissing, cuddling with the customary "poke" in her back as I'm the big spoon , hand holding, pinches and grabs on naughty regions etc. But yes, I think with all the medical issues we usually get tripped up at the final hurdle of "doing it". I think we still find each other attractive, but I would be naive to say that the few extra pounds we have put on didn't take away from how "hot" we used to view each other. Again, make no mistake, the lack of sex is mostly on me as I have stopped initiating and my wife has never really been the one to get things started. As she has always been LD, to her our sex life is fine, but I know I'm digging a deeper and deeper hole that will be harder to get out of, once I'm out of my own LD funk.

Like I said the kind words and advice is truly appreciated. I actually think most opinions line up with what I was thinking, meaning me and the wife have some work to do in the bedroom...and in the gym as well! Outside of that though, I still stand by my original assertion that we have a great relationship, with pretty good honest and open communication. I think I'm so firm in my stance, mostly because I love my wife more then words and have a lot of pride in our relationship. But I also know that nothing is ever perfect and anything worth doing is going to take some hard work, and she knows this as well ;-)

If anyone has anymore advice, keep it coming! All comments (mature and adult) welcome!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

OP, maybe trying Wellbutrin as your anti-depressant for a while could help you stop smoking. Its the same drug as Zyban. 

Just a thought.


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## Brafdor (Jan 27, 2014)

what has she done for you, personally, lately?


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> OP, maybe trying Wellbutrin as your anti-depressant for a while could help you stop smoking. Its the same drug as Zyban.
> 
> Just a thought.


Thanks for the suggestion! It may be something I look into if I'm not able to quit with the method I plan to try. A big part of the addiction for me is the movement and gestures, so between nicorette lozenges and ecigs, I'm hoping I will be smoke free in the next few weeks!


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

Brafdor said:


> what has she done for you, personally, lately?


You'd have to elaborate? Acts of service, sexually, daily routine things etc :scratchhead:


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