# what to do when feeling nothing......



## 84569

My wife had a EA that 3 months ago I found out about, I spent 2 months being very angry about it and decided that we needed time apart so I moved out into a rented house in the same village. She has cut all ties with the OM.

We have 2 kids and they spend 2-3 nights a week with me, things are very amicable.

One of the agreed points on me moving out was that we were to do everything possible to reconcile the marriage. Its been a month now and we have had one coffee together, as well as going Christmas shopping tonight. We also had dinner, halfway through the dinner I started to get cross with myself. I realized that I was not feeling anything for my wife!! I had hoped that I would feel something and we would have started to bond etc, but the complete opposite happened for me.

She went home and I went round and told her how I was feeling. In the time that we were spending together with me explaining things how I felt, I realized that it was me getting used to not having her around that was the issue. When we were talking I had her attention and I realized that I was really confused and did still have feelings for her.

She as normal did not say a lot and is not really opening up. I told her that if she does not open up to me (in her own time) then we don't have a relationship.

Should I insist on spending more time with her so I get my feeling back? or just let her come to me in her own time, but this worries me that it may be too late then for me????

I am so confused as to what to do!!


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Since she is not really putting any effort to fix her mistake, and since she is closed off emotionally, you will never be able to connect. It takes vulnerability to get a connection, and your drifting apart already. Your not sure if she really quit the affair or not, and you really don't have a clue what is going on with her. Unfortunately, you will have to keep monitoring. Then again the damage done may be beyond repair. Are each of you working on your issues? Is she doing anything to regain your trust.

Moving out is a bad idea, and you should seek an attorney;s advice. Your relationship does not seem right, as in she does not put enough effort to try and reconnect with you. My best guess is she is investing her emotional and energy elsewhere. Also, now that you are out, you lose the better chance of monitoring her. Rarely does an emotional affair end on the spot. Think about it, it is a deep emotional bond, and that does not exactly disappear over night.


----------



## 84569

That is the problem, I am not sure what effort we both should be putting in? She is comfortable with me and we talk about the kids a lot but we both are putting no effort into the reconciliation.

Should I just take the bull by the horns and start suggesting things for us to do? Or should I just wait for her to come to me?

She has definitely stopped the contact, but she is spending a lot of time with her friends. These are all female. She has one friend who also recently split from her cheating husband and they spend a lot of time together.

I do feel like ending it as I dont think she is putting the effort in, but with 2 young kids under 9 we do owe it to them to at least try and sort it out?? 84569 am very over the EA as I also turned to my work and with that all going wrong withdrew into myself, so I can see why she did it. But it is the not opening up to me that I am struggling with most of all.


----------



## anchorwatch

Have you attended any type of marriage counseling yet?


----------



## 84569

In the 8 weeks after finding out we did do marriage guidance. But we stopped. We spent most of it with me talking and her being quiet, by the end she was starting to open up but I found the counsellor dwelling on the past and that was making me angry.
I have started single counselling, but she is of the attitude that her life is fine.

Is it too early for me to insist that she opens up and talks to me? Or am I being impatient?


----------



## EleGirl

84569 said:


> That is the problem, I am not sure what effort we both should be putting in? She is comfortable with me and we talk about the kids a lot but we both are putting no effort into the reconciliation.
> 
> Should I just take the bull by the horns and start suggesting things for us to do? Or should I just wait for her to come to me?
> 
> She has definitely stopped the contact, but she is spending a lot of time with her friends. These are all female. She has one friend who also recently split from her cheating husband and they spend a lot of time together.
> 
> I do feel like ending it as I dont think she is putting the effort in, but with 2 young kids under 9 we do owe it to them to at least try and sort it out?? 84569 am very over the EA as I also turned to my work and with that all going wrong withdrew into myself, so I can see why she did it. But it is the not opening up to me that I am struggling with most of all.


Here are 2 books that will give you a good road map of the effort you need to be putting in.

"His Needs, Her Needs"
"Love Busters"

Both are by Dr. Harley.

Separations end in divorce more often than not because of you are experiencing. You cannot fix a relationship when you hardly see the other person.

If you want to get your marriage back on track, what you need is a structured separation (since you are already separated). Here are some steps for a structured separation


Neither of you can date anyone else during this separation.

That means you have some goals. For example a good goal is for each of you to ready those books one chapter at a time. Then plan to meet every other day (or so) to do the work that the chapter lays out for you.

You two go out on a date once a week. Just the two of you. NO talking about your problems on this date.

Once a week you have a family outing.


----------



## EleGirl

84569 said:


> In the 8 weeks after finding out we did do marriage guidance. But we stopped. We spent most of it with me talking and her being quiet, by the end she was starting to open up but I found the counsellor dwelling on the past and that was making me angry.
> 
> I have started single counselling, but she is of the attitude that her life is fine.
> 
> Is it too early for me to insist that she opens up and talks to me? Or am I being impatient?


If you two work through the books I suggested, give a structure and suggestions for talking about things like this.

For example in the "Love Busters" book, each of you list the things that the other does that are major problems (love busters). 

the book explains why it is important for a person to address the love busters that they do. Without addressing them, the love their spouse has for them will be slowly chipped away. 

Your wife not taking about her feeling and not opening up to you is a HUGE Love Busters. This is something the ruins a lot of marriages. She had to learn to do this or your marriage is not going to work. You will need to tell her this loud and clear.. and the book will help you do that.


----------



## EleGirl

More about a structured separation.

*Key Elements of the Structured Separation Agreement to Heal a Marriage:* 

*1. Length of separation:* Most couples have a sense of how long a separation they’ll need or want. It may vary from a few weeks to six months or longer.

*2. Time to Be Spent Together:* Include some quality time together on a regular basis creating a new relationship.

*3. Children and Family Time:* It’s important when a couple does a separation to minimize the emotional trauma for the children involved. Include some quality time together with the children as a family on a regular basis.

*4. Marital Relationship Growth:* Establish goals for working on improving your relationship. This can include marriage counseling and using self-help books to guide the work you do as a couple. Suggested books for this are:
"His Needs, Her Needs"
"Love Busters"
Both are by Dr. Harley.​
*5. Personal Growth Experiences:* Include as many personal growth experiences as feasible, practical, and helpful.

*6. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship:*Ideally a joint decision and compromise should be made concerning social involvement, and romantic relationships outside of this relationship.

*7. Living Arrangements:* Establish living arrangements, whether the separation will be with both parties living in the family home or in two different homes. Parents can agree for one to stay in the family home with the children going between the two homes; or to do a nesting arrangement in which the children stay in the family home with the parents taking turns moving in and out of the family home. Some people who using a nesting arrangement rent an apartment that each parent uses during their week away from the family home.

*8. Financial Decisions:* Some couples will decide to continue joint checking accounts, savings accounts, and payment of bills. Other couples will completely separate financial aspects of the relationship. If there’s any chance for [significant] disagreement, each person could take out half of the assets and open separate accounts.

*9. Motor Vehicles, Real estate, and other assets:* It’s been suggested that ownership and titles not be changed until a decision has been made about the future of the love relationship. It’s also suggested that no major decisions about any asset be carried out until a decision has been made about the future of the love relationship.


----------



## anchorwatch

I agree with Elegirl suggestions. That reading she recommended would do both of you a world of good. The same author has a guide for saving a marriage after infidelity. You might use that for guidance. Here...Surviving an Affair. Here's another one recommended by many here, NOT "Just Friends"

Though I'm not a believer one can effectively work on a marriage while separated. Without spending time together, how could you reestablish that bond? How much time did you spend together before the incident? 

You were correct to leave that MC. If you want this to work you'll find a better one, that suits you. 

When one Spouse Strays, Should the Other Stay?


What is it that you think she's holding back? 

Best


----------



## justcomplicated

Hi, 

Can I ask do you know why she had an affair? Until you don't know that, or have that question answered, you may not be able to reconcile. 

Explore the why, more than the what.

Hope this helps.


----------



## lovesmanis

She had an EA because you withdrew. You find out, you move out. 

If you want your marriage to work, i would suggest moving back home and taking the bull by the horns.


----------



## 84569

I know why she had the ea. I had a lot of work /cash pressures hid it all from and worked all the time. I then became a bit withdrawn and was heading to depression. Rather than try and help me she looked elsewhere. She had the chap in my house as well on the night it all kicked off. I associated the house with that and got angry. So that is why I left as I could not stop having a go at her. We both agreed that the time apart would be about reconciliation after a couple of weeks to let us both calm down.
Once out I did the 180. Waited for her to start the reconciliation and she has done nothing. I initiated am, coffee and she has shown no signs of trying.
She is cold to me, chooses what to tell me, still trying to manipulate me.
I have had enough. I feel at the moment we have nothing between us and she is not willing to try and spend time together so I have had enough.
I do still love her but I will not be treated like a piece of dirt anymore. If she try's to fix it now great. If not then so be it. I tried my best. I have made contact with my solicitor and will start the house sale which means her life will now be turned upside like mine.
I am not point scoring, but I know when I have no chance of getting things sorted. Who knows this may be the best for both of us.


----------



## tulsy

84569 said:


> I know why she had the ea. I had a lot of work /cash pressures hid it all from and worked all the time. I then became a bit withdrawn and was heading to depression. Rather than try and help me she looked elsewhere. She had the chap in my house as well on the night it all kicked off. I associated the house with that and got angry. So that is why I left as I could not stop having a go at her. We both agreed that the time apart would be about reconciliation after a couple of weeks to let us both calm down.
> Once out I did the 180. Waited for her to start the reconciliation and she has done nothing. I initiated am, coffee and she has shown no signs of trying.
> She is cold to me, chooses what to tell me, still trying to manipulate me.
> I have had enough. I feel at the moment we have nothing between us and she is not willing to try and spend time together so I have had enough.
> I do still love her but I will not be treated like a piece of dirt anymore. If she try's to fix it now great. If not then so be it. I tried my best. I have made contact with my solicitor and will start the house sale which means her life will now be turned upside like mine.
> I am not point scoring, but I know when I have no chance of getting things sorted. Who knows this may be the best for both of us.


Sounds like you're both done.


----------



## 84569

I have to say I agree, and that is what I told her today. After I told her she had nothing to say, just silence. Said it all to me.

We don't have any chance of rebuilding unless we spend time together which is what she doesn't want to do. I can't fix it on my own.


----------



## anchorwatch

That makes the situation much clearer. You've told her straight out what is needed. You seem to have taken the right steps. Not much else you can do if she's not willing right now. I'd follow the 180 List and continue to work on myself. Start the process if she catches up before your gone, you can address that then.

Here's something you might browse, No More Mr. Nice Guy.

It amazes me, that out of all the multiple choices of actions one could take to solve their marriage problems, where was adultery on that list? 

Best


----------



## 84569

I Have read the no more Mr nice guy and that was me!! I thought as long as she is happy then that's all that matters including my own happiness.

I just sent her a text telling her that today was not a threat that I would not carry out. She knows where I am if she wants to talk, but if not then I am onto my solicitor.

You are right she could have done many things other than an ea.


----------



## justcomplicated

Can I suggest that if you are motivated for a reconciliation, then look at the book men are from mars, women are from Venus. 

If you were unavailable for a decent period, then she will probably take the same time if not longer to get back to you.

Also you need to demonstrate that you are willing to change, and show that thru actions, not giving her an ultimatum, does not work that way. You need to give it time and be patient, let her work at her pace. I bet you she was going thru a emotional roller coaster when having the affair, caring for you and her children, aware of her actions, and trying to meet her emotional needs, could not have been easy on her.

If you have already done that, and seen no results, then I guess you may be on the right track.


----------



## anchorwatch

Best wishes for you and your family. 

Good luck.


----------



## Suspecting2014

84569 said:


> *I know why she had the ea*. I had a lot of work /cash pressures hid it all from and worked all the time. I then became a bit withdrawn and was heading to depression. *Rather than try and help me she looked elsewhere*. *She had the chap in my house as well on the night it all kicked off*.


Are you sure it was and EA and not a PA as well? It is very easy for a EA to turn into a PA if there is any chance, like in your house.

Did you expose?



84569 said:


> I associated the house with that and got angry. So that is why I left as I could not stop having a go at her. *We both agreed that the time apart would be about reconciliation after a couple of weeks to let us both calm down.*
> Once out I did the 180. Waited for her to start the reconciliation and she has done nothing. *I initiated am, coffee and she has shown no signs of trying.*
> *She is cold to me, chooses what to tell me, still trying to manipulate me.*
> I have had enough. I feel at the moment we have nothing between us and she is not willing to try and spend time together so I have had enough.
> I do still love her but I will not be treated like a piece of dirt anymore. If she try's to fix it now great. If not then so be it. I tried my best. I have made contact with my solicitor and will start the house sale which means her life will now be turned upside like mine.
> I am not point scoring, but I know when I have no chance of getting things sorted. Who knows this may be the best for both of us.



IMO it looks like she is deep in fog and makes me think that maybe something is going on behind your back.

In other threads when WW is cold and manipulative but not making any effort is because the contact is still going on, and most of the times the affair is/was more than they acknowledge.

R is not a must, if the both of you are not into it there is nothing to do.

I wish you luck


----------



## 84569

I did expose it from Facebook messages. Even when she knew I knew who it was she would not admit it and I had to tell her.

I have had a good hard look at my life since and made many positive changes, some of which we're criticisms from her to me, and I have been working on these changes, people are commenting that I am a better person and have more about me of late. She has changed nothing, she still does exactly the same as before part from I am not in her life, and she spends a lot of time with her friend that has recently separated. To me it appears that going off with her mate and living the single lmother life with her is much more appealing than trying to reconcile. Or as you say the ea is still ongoing, I do doubt this though as I did talk to him to make sure it has ended.

I am the one that has made all the moves to try and fix things, asking for date nights, the one I suggested apparently was too far to travel!! Moving out to give us each space etc.

In a nutshell she just does not want this and thinks she has no problems. She has only ever shown remorse and apologised under duress from me. She only shows me attention when she feels,she has to.

That's why yesterday I decided that enough is enough. I will get through Xmas, and then things will have to become serious. Her life will have to change as she will have to deal with moving etc


----------



## 84569

I had no contact from her last night.... This morning she picked up the kids and acted like nothing had happened. For someone who used to show her emotions she has none now. 

I would love to know what is going on in her head, it is total bury her head in the sand and hope it goes away. Well I have gone, she has made sure of that, but the situation and reality of what lies ahead for her has not............


----------



## anchorwatch

What is you plan to show her the reality of what she had done? 

Do you intend to move back into your home and claim you place?


----------



## 84569

Sorry I do not understand what you mean?


----------



## anchorwatch

Single mothers will not tell you their life is full of rainbows and unicorns, unless someone else is supporting that lifestyle. 



84569 said:


> I just sent her a text telling her that today was not a threat that I would not carry out. She knows where I am if she wants to talk, but if not then I am onto my solicitor.





84569 said:


> I would love to know what is going on in her head, it is total bury her head in the sand and hope it goes away. Well I have gone, she has made sure of that, but the situation and reality of what lies ahead for her has not............


What will you do to show her how uncomfortable trying to live a single lifestyle along with working and raising children really is? 

What things are you planning to do to show her the reality of her decisions and shake up her fantasies of single life? 

Will you have her served and move back into your home? 

Will you stop her discretionary support? 

Will you tell her she should move out since it her that doesn't want the marriage?

Why do you have to be the one away from your children?


----------



## 84569

She is living in the marital house at present. It has to be sold as it is far too large for the families needs. Her solicitor and mine agree on that.

I have a lot of time with the kids and am happy with the arrangements on that.

Currently in the trial separation I am being overly generous in the amount of money I send her. That will stop and I will send her the amount required by law, less than half currently.

I have written an email with all this on but have not sent it as yet. It's 24 hrs since I told her it's over. Still nowt. I think I will send the email, what have I got to loose?????


----------



## Mr.Fisty

84569 said:


> She is living in the marital house at present. It has to be sold as it is far too large for the families needs. Her solicitor and mine agree on that.
> 
> I have a lot of time with the kids and am happy with the arrangements on that.
> 
> Currently in the trial separation I am being overly generous in the amount of money I send her. That will stop and I will send her the amount required by law, less than half currently.
> 
> I have written an email with all this on but have not sent it as yet. It's 24 hrs since I told her it's over. Still nowt. I think I will send the email, what have I got to loose?????


 I am tempted for you to cut the extra money withoutcontacting her. She already knows the amount you are liable for. If she has issues, let her contact you instead. If she goes off topic end the conversation on the spot. Just state are we done here? Then hang up. Don't respond unless it deals with the divorce or the children. Go dark on her. She does not deserve hyour time. You sending that email shows she is worth it to communicate still too. Your detaching and moving on with life, the only part she shares with you is the kids and the issues around that. Other than that, she does not deserve the time and energy otherwise.


----------



## 84569

The email is purely facts regarding separating and issues that will have to be dealt with. I am not explaining myself or have any emotion in it. If I don't push these points she will just ignore them.


----------



## 84569

4 hours since the email was sent and nothing....... I am total shock and convinced that I am doing the right thing. She does not have the decency to respond, I have told her that her marriage is over and still no response....... How did I ever fall for the ice maiden.....


----------



## lifeistooshort

Did I read correctly that she started to open up at the counselor's and you got angry? You said she talked about the past and you didn't like it? Please correct if that is wrong because if so you've sent the message that she can't open up to you. My ex hb would've said the same thing about me, but when I did try he got angry and eventually I learned that it wasn't safe to tell him anything. Could you elaborate?


----------



## 84569

At the end she was opening up more at the counselling. It was the counsellor that made me angry, she kept bringing up issues that were dealt with.

I got a response, in a nutshell she did not take me saying it's over seriously. Just idle threats of going to the solicitor, even though I have. She wants to get Xmas over with and then see how we are. I feel like she is playing me again to buy more time. It was all done via text, I told her not doing it over text. She knows where I am.

I told her I was totally serious and it was over, should I push it or see how Xmas goes?


----------



## anchorwatch

She really has little reason to believe you since little has changed in her life. She's just stringing this along till she decides better. Cake eating for now. Don't you think? 

I'd have as little contact as possible, ignoring anything not dealing with children or finance. Maybe having your solicitor send her a letter of intent might do it? It's your call if you want to delay. At this point I'd only delay as to let the children have less stress through Christmas. 

Best


----------



## 84569

In the email she wrote she cares about me And my feelings.

Tonight on FB she commented on someone's post in reference to a very traumatic time for me. Early on she went away with her mate overnight and was ringing the ea chap and sending saucy messages to another man. An incident happened to,her mate on that and she has referred to it. She knows how much that night away hurt me, yet brings it up....

I sent her a message saying no way to rebuild my trust and that I was 100% serious we are over.

I can't let her to continue to torture me.


----------



## anchorwatch

:iagree:



84569 said:


> I can't let her continue to *disrespect* me.


I changed it for you. I'm sure you'll agree.


----------



## Suspecting2014

84569 said:


> At the end she was opening up more at the counselling. It was the counsellor that made me angry, she kept bringing up issues that were dealt with.
> 
> I got a response, in a nutshell she did not take me saying it's over seriously. Just idle threats of going to the solicitor, even though I have. She wants to get Xmas over with and then see how we are. I feel like she is playing me again to buy more time. It was all done via text, I told her not doing it over text. She knows where I am.
> 
> I told her I was totally serious and it was over, should I push it or see how Xmas goes?


Stop acting to cause a reaction on her, she knows what to if wants her marriage back, she just chose other way....

At this point you should do what you say!

IMO she is in the fog, even after 3 months, or doesnt love you any more.

If she is still in the fog I believe she is stil in contact to OM and/or the affair was/is physical as well.

IMO she is getting time to put her sht togueter to dump you.

I am sorry but if I my wife were about to D i would figth no matter how angry she were


----------



## 84569

We had a long chat today. She told me that she feels under pressure when I ask her things and clams up. She says it's the tone in which I do it. I agree at times I can be like that. We have sorted Christmas out and will be spending more time together.

I explained to her about how uncomfortable I am with her secrets and choosing not to tell me things.

We both agreed that if she doesn't like the way I talk to her then she has to say, and if I feel like she isn not being upfront I will say. We have to explain to each other how we feel and what makes us uncomfortable at the time it happens.

I will give it till after Xmas, so let's just wait and see. I will continue working on me.


----------



## anchorwatch

Some good reading and resources in here...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


----------



## lifeistooshort

84569 said:


> At the end she was opening up more at the counselling. It was the counsellor that made me angry, she kept bringing up issues that were dealt with.
> 
> I got a response, in a nutshell she did not take me saying it's over seriously. Just idle threats of going to the solicitor, even though I have. She wants to get Xmas over with and then see how we are. I feel like she is playing me again to buy more time. It was all done via text, I told her not doing it over text. She knows where I am.
> 
> I told her I was totally serious and it was over, should I push it or see how Xmas goes?



Is it possible that in your mind they were dealt with but not for your wife? Maybe the counselor felt they were things she needed to deal with. Since she doesn't open up how can you know what she's dealt with?


----------



## 84569

Yes I think maybe she still is in fog. I think she is getting emotional support from her mate.

Just got back from wrapping presents for kids wih her. We got on fine and it ended with a peck on the cheek.

I think I'm going to take a chill pill, see how it lies after Xmas. I think I have been trying to control her a bit. Goner go back to the 180.

I still think we are done tbh but let's just see what happens.


----------



## justcomplicated

Great decision, give her space, she needs to start trusting you to open up to you 

All the best


----------



## 84569

It has been a couple days since going back to the 180, I have left her be, only communicating on things about the kids.

The more I back off the more it feels like she is glad of it!! The trouble for me is that the more I back off the less I feel for her. That just sounds so odd as I know I still love her. I think I have just accepted that we are just goner go our separate ways.

is it normal for the wife to show relatively little interest? One of the agreements on me moving out was that we would try and reconcile. Yet the less interest I show the less interest she has!! is this not a circle with one ending? I am still working on myself and have now found a childcare lady that can help me when I have the kids. So another thing that she now realizes I have sorted for myself and don't need her for.


----------



## jr92gp

Your wife sounds eerily similar to how mine did during our "reconciliation." Mine never ended it with the OM.


----------



## 84569

I am 99% sure that the OM has gone, but I think it is turning into an OW!! her mate that is supporting her (who is also going through seperation, her husband has left to live with another woman) click her finger and off she goes. When they go out its with her and her friends, not my wifes. I have joked about then turning into a couple!!

Is that normal?


----------



## Suspecting2014

84569 said:


> I am 99% sure that the OM has gone, but I think it is turning into an OW!! her mate that is supporting her (who is also going through seperation, her husband has left to live with another woman) click her finger and off she goes. When they go out its with her and her friends, not my wifes. I have joked about then turning into a couple!!
> 
> Is that normal?


 Normal is not the question but dangerous is.

This mate needs a wingman for going out like single, and your wife is playing this roll pretty well!

This is a toxic friend who enabled and supported her affair, and will another one...

This is why I posted before that you should question the affair, if it was phiscal, and its duration and the no contact as well


----------



## 84569

Met up tonight, took kids to see Santa and went for dinner.
I found her very hot and cold, I was doing my best to keep the conversation going, but due to her short answers I felt like I was probing and making her feel uncomfortable.

It was pleasant enough but I felt like she was doing the odd thing to provoke me (she may not have been). But it was fairly obvious that she would rather be somewhere else.

But I smiled and got through it doing my best to come across as caring. After I dropped them all off I sent a text saying how nice it was to spend time with her and the kids. No response...... 

I have booked in to see a counsellor, he suggested that we both go if it's about repairing the marriage, I told her she has the option to come but I am not asking her to attend. She has pretty much told me that she won't be coming.

I have to say, I don't even feel like I know her, and the way she is behaving I don't really want to......


----------



## Suspecting2014

Her behavior makes me think that there is OM...well sooner or later you will find out.

Maybe is the influence of her mate or she simply checked out.

Anyhow I believe the way to procede is the same...file for D.

Keep improving your self, detaching


----------



## 84569

got a response, she said it was a nice evening.

We have spoken today and all very civilized.

I just gotta keep being nice, showing interest and being the best dad I can...


----------



## 84569

Woooo
Get this one!!!
She forwarded the mail I sent her to the om! So you were right she was still in contact. And she tried to tell me that she thought it was ok for her to still be a friend with him!


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Well, she does not respect you enough to respect your boundaries. She proves her actions cannot be trusted, and her words are meaningless. I hope you show her your meddle. Your next relationship, whether with her or not, will be with someone who respects you . Are you still going through with the divorce?


----------



## anchorwatch

84569 said:


> Woooo
> Get this one!!!
> She forwarded the mail I sent her to the om! So you were right she was still in contact. And she tried to tell me that she thought it was ok for her to still be a friend with him!


Now you know why you are not making any headway reconnecting. She's never broke contact and is still getting her emotions fueled by him. 

Sorry 84569


----------



## Suspecting2014

84569 said:


> Woooo
> Get this one!!!
> She forwarded the mail I sent her to the om! So you were right she was still in contact. And she tried to tell me that she thought it was ok for her to still be a friend with him!


Sorry but her affair is, not was, a PA.

She sent the email to OM as she is loyal to him! 

Try to have sex with her and you will know that she is being faithful to him.

She is deep in fog! IMO your only chance is file for D ASAP.

From other angle you should ask her for a poly as this is the only way you may know about the A and decide if you want to R.

R is not for everyone, if sex contact is a dealbreaker you sould serve her and 180 hard.

There is no way they still in contact and no into the A.

Who is OM? Is he married? Expose big time!! This may slap her into reality.


----------



## 84569

I rang the om. Got his side of the story and it matched hers.
She rang me to meet up and I decided I would hear her out. She has apologised and promised I told her to stop saying those words as they mean nothing. She has agreed to come to mc, and to see a counsellor on her own to work out why she has to lie all the time.

I made no promises to her and told her I needed time to take in what I had been told as it was the same old that she has told me in the past.

It did seem that she had had a wake up call, but it's the honesty and trust that needs fixing. She told me that she loves me and does understand why he cannot be a friend and that all contact has stopped, and this was the first time in weeks she had contacted him. She offered all her passwords etc. she even said I could move back in but I declined.

I am going to stick with the original plan and see how it goes after Xmas, as long as she does do the counselling and starts to act like she wants this then we may have a chance.


----------



## Suspecting2014

84569 said:


> I rang the om. Got his side of the story and it matched hers.
> She rang me to meet up and I decided I would hear her out. She has apologised and promised I told her to stop saying those words as they mean nothing. She has agreed to come to mc, and to see a counsellor on her own to work out why she has to lie all the time.
> 
> I made no promises to her and told her I needed time to take in what I had been told as it was the same old that she has told me in the past.
> 
> It did seem that she had had a wake up call, but it's the honesty and trust that needs fixing. She told me that she loves me and does understand why he cannot be a friend and that all contact has stopped, and this was the first time in weeks she had contacted him. She offered all her passwords etc. she even said I could move back in but I declined.
> 
> I am going to stick with the original plan and see how it goes after Xmas, as long as she does do the counselling and starts to act like she wants this then we may have a chance.


His story marches her because they made it up toguether.

No way this was first contact in long time.

Why copied him? How did u find out?

U slaped her a bit into reality thats why she changed, it wont last until u move to D.

Remember, D is a process u can stop anytime, so use it!

Tell her u r done, her liying was the last straw. Tell her u r filing D ASAP.

Tell her the last chance will be her taking a poly and see her reaction.

Stop beliving her, cheaters lie.

Her behavior has a lack of consistency, there is much more u dont know.


----------



## Suspecting2014

Why does she contacted OM with a copy of the mail for you???
Why when confronted she said they were friends and then has been NC for so long??
You can see this is BS, right?
Stop believing what you want to hear and avoiding the truth.
Aks for the poly, you dont even have to make an appointment just tell her is on ..... date and see if she is willing to go. Ofcourse do some research to make it believable. Or just do it for real.
You could face 3 scenarios:
1.- Se confess more
2.- She agrees to go and you get a full confession on the parking lot of the poly.
3.- She agrees and is fearless.
Also, if she agrees and you find in the internet that she was looking "how to beat poly" you have your answer.


----------



## ButtPunch

You talk tough but your actions are weak. She was still in contact with OM. There's your answer. DIVORCE. 

I believe your WW is in a PA and in love with the OM. 

Not much to work with here. Cut her money off and a hard 180.


----------



## warlock07

84569 said:


> I had no contact from her last night.... This morning she picked up the kids and acted like nothing had happened. For someone who used to show her emotions she has none now.
> 
> I would love to know what is going on in her head, it is total bury her head in the sand and hope it goes away. Well I have gone, she has made sure of that, but the situation and reality of what lies ahead for her has not............


She is using meeting the friend as a cover to keep the affair underground. The affair is physical. Don't have any doubts about it.

they matched their their stories and are telling you the same story. Everything you have is what she told you. You have nothing but her lies to base your facts on. Stop trusting her so much and find stuff on your own.


----------



## warlock07

You are also posting in the wrong section. Have it moved to Coping with Infidelity. This is the wrong section for you. 

Read this thread and see if it looks familiar. Their affair did not end

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/121442-no-sex-after-her-affair.html


----------



## warlock07

84569 said:


> Woooo
> Get this one!!!
> She forwarded the mail I sent her to the om! So you were right she was still in contact. And she tried to tell me that she thought it was ok for her to still be a friend with him!


She was careless enough to get caught for this email!!


----------



## 84569

Well.... This is an Xmas eve I won't forget in a while!!!

It all was not sitting well and with what you guys wrote (which I wanted to disbelieve) and the bits I knew I had to bring it to a climax.

I dropped kids round, she made a coffee and I said depending on what you say a lot of xmas'S are going to be ruined.

She went upstairs, I followed her and she was on her phone. I snatched it off her and said I would be using it to restore a backup of everything and recovering all deleted texts from last 6 months unless she tells me now what is going on.....horror on her face. She tried to get phone and I did not let her get it. She then started talking. She was still on contact with om. Told me some details, I rang him from her phone and out an end to it finally with the threat of outing him to his wife. He also said he did not not love her and confirmed that she had been the one making most of contact. It ended with him swearing on his kids life that no more contact will take place.

So I then started looking at her messages as she was obviously hiding more. I found she had been flirting with another man also.

I told her that she had to ring her parents get them round and tell them what she had been doing. She agreed and did it. That was a roller coaster.. I then said full disclosure of emails, delete fb, let me look at her phone and delete everything off it now.

Her parents then left and we ended up having sex. It was not the special sex I was hoping for. So that disappointed me.

She is going to an individual counsellor as we'll as couples and we will both try to fix it now everything is out in the open. I will accept no more slip ups at all. I still have the appointment it's my solicitor to discuss d procedure.

I feel totally drained and emotionless. Let's see how Xmas goes. 

Thanks for your support guys.


----------



## Suspecting2014

84569 said:


> Well.... This is an Xmas eve I won't forget in a while!!!
> 
> It all was not sitting well and with what you guys wrote (which I wanted to disbelieve) and the bits I knew I had to bring it to a climax.
> 
> I dropped kids round, she made a coffee and I said depending on what you say a lot of xmas'S are going to be ruined.
> 
> She went upstairs, I followed her and she was on her phone. I snatched it off her and said I would be using it to restore a backup of everything and recovering all deleted texts from last 6 months unless she tells me now what is going on.....horror on her face. She tried to get phone and I did not let her get it. She then started talking. She was still on contact with om. Told me some details, I rang him from her phone and out an end to it finally with the threat of outing him to his wife. He also said he did not not love her and confirmed that she had been the one making most of contact. It ended with him swearing on his kids life that no more contact will take place.
> 
> So I then started looking at her messages as she was obviously hiding more. I found she had been flirting with another man also.
> 
> I told her that she had to ring her parents get them round and tell them what she had been doing. She agreed and did it. That was a roller coaster.. I then said full disclosure of emails, delete fb, let me look at her phone and delete everything off it now.
> 
> Her parents then left and we ended up having sex. It was not the special sex I was hoping for. So that disappointed me.
> 
> She is going to an individual counsellor as we'll as couples and we will both try to fix it now everything is out in the open. I will accept no more slip ups at all. I still have the appointment it's my solicitor to discuss d procedure.
> 
> I feel totally drained and emotionless. Let's see how Xmas goes.
> 
> Thanks for your support guys.


I am really sorry for you.

I believe there is more, she only came clean on the proof you get.

How do you know they didnt have sex?

Even if she want to R, and you wanted it as well , R is not for everyone.
At this point she is the one that must be wanting and asking (begging) you to R, other way she is gonne and you are plan B. The problem with plan B is that there is always a plan A out there...

Last thing, you really need to tell OM wife. Your wife was the agressor but he accepted and continued with it. And lets be honest she will probably contact him again and the only way to keep him away is telling his wife. Sorry but he just told you what you wanted to ear.


----------



## 84569

well Xmas day and boxing day and so fat to today has all been a lot easier. She is starting to show me a little affection, but I have told her that I only want it if she wants to give, not because she feels she has to.

We went for the first session of the new counselor today and he was like a breath of fresh air. My wife opened up and explained things that she would never have done a few weeks ago. He got us to explain how our marriage got to this point and we both agreed on the same issues. At times I was silent for considerable amounts of time!! never had that before...

She said that she loved me and was beginning to open her heart to me and thinks she can be in love with me again but it will take time.

We are going to spend some more time together and it all feels much more natural now.

I am staying positive and lets see where we go. She has given me full access to all her account passwords etc.


----------



## Suspecting2014

Keep your eyes open, you are making this very easy for her and without any concecuence.

Ask her accesos to her burnig phone...

Good luck


----------



## 84569

She has offered it.

It's whether or not I look....


----------



## Suspecting2014

84569 said:


> She has offered it.
> 
> It's whether or not I look....


A burning phone is a hiden one that you dnt know it existence, form it she can be im touch with OM any time as you dont know she has it.

It was a joke.

Did you expose to OM wife??? you know she ahs the rigth top know who she is married even if you dont want to do it for your self.


----------



## 84569

I Did not. Mostly due to my wife being the aggressor. They have a 2 year old and 7 year old. I don't want it on my conscience. They are 100 miles away my path will never cross theirs.

I truly love my wife, but I now know all I can do is sort me and spend time with her and then she may come back. If not, then life goes on....


----------



## Johnconrad

84569 said:


> I Did not. Mostly due to my wife being the aggressor. They have a 2 year old and 7 year old. I don't want it on my conscience. They are 100 miles away my path will never cross theirs.
> 
> I truly love my wife, but I now know all I can do is sort me and spend time with her and then she may come back. If not, then life goes on....


If you don't wish to fight for your relationship, no one else will.


----------



## Suspecting2014

84569 said:


> I Did not. Mostly due to my wife being the aggressor. They have a 2 year old and 7 year old. I don't want it on my conscience. They are 100 miles away my path will never cross theirs.
> 
> I truly love my wife, but I now know all I can do is sort me and spend time with her and then she may come back. If not, then life goes on....


You are not destroying his family, he did


----------



## 84569

I understand what you guys are saying, I need to think on that.........

In counselling my wife said she loved me ILY and the BNILWY was starting to turn to being love. But at present she is not in love with me. But sees no reason why in the future she will not be... if that makes sense.

I said I am not spending months waiting for her, if she cant love me say now so I can get on with life.

My question is, am I being too hasty? and anyone had similar experience where it did turn round for them?


----------



## 84569

an update....

I am glad xmas and new year is all done and we can get back to some type of routine.

We still have issues in the marriage but we are working them through with counselling and talking much better between us.

The biggest issue though is that she does not want to be intimate with me and she is worried if I move back in and she cant get that feeling back it will be over.

In the past any attention I would always take as a prelude to sex so she is very nervous this. I have banned sex and told her that I promise that it will not until we are both ready. I have to trust her that she is not going to anything silly with another man and she has to trust me on this.

Is this a normal reaction from a woman? we are being a little bit more physical than we were and are comfortable spending time together.

Is she likely to be able to get these feeling back? as I am not going to commit long term to a sexless marriage.


----------

