# Married and thinking of another man?



## Pinkdaisy91 (Apr 16, 2013)

I have been with my husband for 4 years now.. growing up I had this huge crush, obsession and probably was even in love with a boy I grew up with we never had anything past a good friendship after we got older we drifted apart i got married he got married and had children.. However on one hand I am having a good marriage with my husband but when i am away from my husband i find myself thinking of the childhood guy.. why am i doing this it disgust me but i still do it.. how can i move past this?


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

The other guy is a fantasy, and fantasies always seem more fun, exciting, and 'perfect' than what we have to deal with in real life.

You had a crush on this guy, so you have idealized him into something unreal. And because you never even tasted a real relationship with this guy, you never got to see any of the real flaws and quirks all humans have.

He has just remained a beautiful mirage in your mind.

Do you really think that life in the real world with him would be the same as the fantasy you have built up in your head?

You say you have a good husband and a good marriage. But how can that compete with this fantasy of perfection you have allowed yourself to build in your head with this other guy. Reality can never compete with fantasy.

You have to be mature here and realize the difference between these two things. You have enough life experience to know the difference. Rationally, you do know this, its why you are disgusted by your own daydreaming.

Try looking at your fantasy man and your memories of him with a more critical and detached eye. I'm sure if you do this you will notice some flaws or defects that you have overlooked in building your fantasy.

Then think about what these flaws/defects might be like to live with in the real world. 

This might do a lot to relieve you of the dreamy fantasy you have built up around him.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Good post Dyokemm :smthumbup:

It usually takes at least at least 2 years till the PEA {honey moon} drugs in your brain wear off, it sounds like that is whats happening and you want another fix, time for maturity and commitment in your relationship. (Google it)

Or

You could leave your husband live the dream for a few years then you will wish you had never left your husband but it wil be two late because he will have moved on with another woman at which time you can try to get him to cheat with you and ruin another family.

Or 

The next time you are with your husband you can look into his eyes and try to imagine the Irreversible pain that your unfaithfulness of heart and perhaps body have put there.

Try to imagine his self-confidence devastated, his ability to trust you (or any woman) gone.
It will be the most painful thing he has ever experienced, read the coping with infidelity section here.

He will not be able to eat or sleep, he will lose weight, he will have terrible mind movies for years to come.

He may be a very strong man but he has brought you close enough to bring him to his knees.
Then after you visualize that imagine you sitting around thinking about this crush, acting on this crush, finding out that the other guy was not your soul mate but just another guy, but by the time you realize that, you will have crushing guilt and regret.

Then if you cant objectify this crush tell you husband, get counseling, or divorce your husband before you cheat on him.

My guess is its only a matter of time before this guy contacts you, and the worst unfolds.

I wish you well,
Take care!


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you discussed this with your husband? or tried counseling?


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Reality is never as good or as exciting as fantasy. 

Have you tried talking to your h about it? Or a counselor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should try individual counseling.
This is all about something you perceive as missing from your life.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

See I don't think crushes and fantasies are necessarily a bad thing, as long as they stay just that, and as long as it doesn't affect how you treat or feel about your spouse. The moment you start comparing your spouse to said fantasy you have problems. Unfortunately it's a slippery slope so you have to be careful, but as long as you and your hb are getting your needs met I don't see a huge issue. Do keep in mind though that, as the other posters have said, this fantasy guy doesn't exist; he's a pain in the arse just like everyone else. In fact, were you to have a relationship with him it would have a greater then usual chance of failing since nobody lives up to fantasies. Try putting the effort into your marriage instead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Oh the what ifs? I have had similar feelings about a girl I had a crush on in the 7th grade who has recently became my friend on FB. SHe had no idea how a 7th grade boy "loved" her. LOL, from afar. She is now available but I would never pursue her. When I was filing for D I thought that after D was done I might contact her. I am in R she is just a past fantasy. A real person who "might" potentially make me happy, but that is all in my mind. And I don't feed it. 

Your thoughts are very common, but the more you feed those thoughts the more they become "real". Stop feeding them. Fight the urge, practise good mental discipline and replace those thoughts and feelings with something else, as quickly as they enter your mind. This guy has not been in your life for years, let him go. Other then in Hollywood movies does good ever come out of these situations. Someone may say, "Go for it". But often times you will find that the grass is not greener on the other side of that fence and is actually poisen ivy.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Pinkdaisy91 said:


> I have been with my husband for 4 years now.. growing up I had this huge crush, obsession and probably was even in love with a boy I grew up with we never had anything past a good friendship after we got older we drifted apart i got married he got married and had children.. However on one hand I am having a good marriage with my husband but when i am away from my husband i find myself thinking of the childhood guy.. why am i doing this it disgust me but i still do it.. how can i move past this?


It gets disgusting if you act on it. If you don't, it doesn't.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

What you think about is yours to keep. What you do about that which you think is where the line is drawn.


----------



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

I think everyone here nailed it. I think so many of us have felt the same way at some point. It's easy to get complacent in a marriage and wonder about the 'what ifs.' The problem with this game is that it is not fair to your husband, who has been there for you through good and bad, and has proven himself since you two met. Like everyone has been saying - it's a fantasy, and there is no way the reality could ever live up to the fantasy, at least not long term. Therefore, try to find hangups and then magnify them 500% and realize that is likely to be closer to reality.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)




----------



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

That, is awesome! :iagree:


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Pinkdaisy91,

If you come back, to TAM I would highly recommend that you spend some time reading through the threads started by people that have cheated.

Besides the rare case of someone trying to outrage the crowd, you will read tragedy after tragedy. People like you that chose to betray and ruin MANY lives that surround them.

You and the rest of us have the occasional daydream. We remember the hot kid from our past. We see a sexy co-worker. We confide some marriage woe with member of the opposite sex. 

Then we pause, and realize that when we do these things it underminds our family. It breaks the hearts of those we cherish.

Don't let your thoughts continue until you destroy your life.

Just my $0.02.


----------



## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

You're married, not DEAD! I believe that most fantasies should stay where they belong- in your head!


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

They are called fantasies because you never had a relationship with your "crush". If you'd had, your fantasy would probably be to run over him with a truck.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

ThePhoenix,

I laughed out loud at that mental picture.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Just a little application of common sense should make this clear to any thinking, rational adult.

It shocks me that so many people continue to have this 'Hollywood' vision of romance in general and other people they know/are attracted to.

Its mental escapism pure and simple, and reality will always prove to be a HUGE letdown.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Know this---you are not the same person you were back when you had your crush---AND I PROMISE YOU HE IS NOT THE SAME PERSON AS THAT BOY, THAT YOU HAD A CRUSH ON LONG AGO

You say your mge is good---if so, would you break your H's heart, and destroy a mge, over a memory, that has absolutely, no weight to it---and IS NOT REAL, at this time

I know that in your occupation, you can spend lots of time off by yourself, while on duty---and your imagination, tends to kick in---to pass the time-----you need to think of other things----cuz if you don't be careful---what you will be thinking of, and involved in, will be MISERY---time to wake up/grow up, and appreciate what you have.


----------

