# Right or Wrong? It's not about the sex...



## TimFrost (Sep 19, 2013)

As a man who has been married for 20+ years; I have come to believe it's not just about the lack of sex, but the lack of affection.

I truly feel as if my wife isn't attracted to me anymore and therefore she barely shows any affection toward me. Since she doesn't seem interested in me then I have performance issues in the bedroom. it never used to be this way for me but for the last couple of years our lovemaking has been almost scheduled. Only on a Saturday or Sunday and only after we have both showered. now lately it has been about once every 3-4 weeks. Still sticking to the Sat/Sun schedule.

Now each week she showers first and relaxes in just her robe until I get in the shower then she is dressed and ready to start her day by the time I get out of shower. It doesn't matter if i wait an hour after her shower, she will stay naked in the bedroom in just a robe usually open, or if I go within minutes after hers. By the way my showers usually last about 6 minutes.

If I try to initiate sex before she or I showers then the game is off til next week. If I question why she doesn't seem to want me then she gets mad and says I don't respect her feelings.

I just can't win. even if I just want to spend some alone time with her and cuddle or watch TV she tells me how tired she is and shoos me from the room. but stays up for a couple of hours more watching TV or playing games on her tablet.

And before anyone asks NO she is not having any sort of affair. She has no time. She works full time and is currently going to school online for her masters degree. Any free time lately is spent hanging with her best friend (female and my sister) or we do things with family for the day. But very rarely is it ever just her and I.

I think I could even live without the sex if I had to but this feeling like she just doesn't desire me hurts more than ever.

I am tired of waking up and feeling dead inside.
I feel like we are roommates. That is all.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

An all too familiar story, unfortunately. You can read a lot of them here. I have been dealing with a similar story for years and I wish I had the answers. I think the only thing that has a chance to initiate change in your wife is a fear of losing you.

Have you tried counseling? I am thinking of trying to get my wife to go with me again (last time was with a male counselor who just wouldn't be tough enough). That is why I recommend a female marriage counselor.

Of course, just start off telling her how you feel, that you didn't get married to live with a stranger, that you love her and need physical intimacy to feel loved. Explain that physical intimacy is a man's greatest emotional need, not just a physical need.

Get a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs", a very good book. Look up an ar
ticle by Dennis Prager called, "When a woman isn't in the mood".
I am sure others will have good advice. I will never understand how a 
partner can withdraw intimacy and still want to stay married. To me, a 
marriage will never be the same without it because one partner will not 
feel loved.
marriage can never be the same without it because one os


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Basically, a marriage without sex is a sham, a mockery. Sex is the one thing that makes marriage different than other family relationships. Without the sex, a couple might as well be brother and sister, mother and son or father and daughter. I think usually what happens without sex is that the marriage tends to morph into a mix of those three relationships.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Don't be too sure about infidelity.

That aside, she does NOT respect you and is NOT attracted to you.

Alpha up, start doing the 180. Stop asking for sex, read Married Mans Sex Life Primer.

You probably need to just start working on yourself.

Not really trying to justify your wifes sh!tty behavior but unfortunately your story has been played out many times.

Follow this advice and you WILL get your wife to notice you again.

I am not sure if your relationship can be salvaged but you will find out if you start to take care of yourself first.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You say you just can't win but really you can. But only if you're willing to do it. Most aren't. And whether you win with your current wife or someone else remains to be seen.


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

I think sex is necessary for a happy marriage. We have gone through some really rough times and our marriage has only got stronger but recently our sex life has become strained and after 27 years the marriage is in trouble. I know my husband loves me but if he doesn't want me anymore Im struggling to see the point. I feel like a flat mate not a wife and Im not sure how much longer I can live like this. We talk, it seems sorted then goes back to the same mundane round of work, meals and tv. We have no passion and I always said a marriage with no passion isn't a marriage. I really do feel for you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Check out MMSL. By the PRIMER and the MAP. May need to read NO MORE MR NICE GUY also. 7 months ago I was very resentful of my wife and how she treated me. I found Married Man Sex Life(MMSL) and had an attitude change. I dumped 15 yrs of resentment in her lap. Lost 65 lbs. in 2.5 months. Put on more muscle that I ever have and it scared her...as her previous husband was a serial cheater. I made myself more attractive which caused her dread of me finding someone else. Since April-May she has not turned me down and usually initiates 1/3 of the time of our 4-5x a week.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

there is always time for an affair. Sex is such a powerful stimulant, people MAKE TIME for it.

So, do not get complacent here, if the sex is poor, the marriage is not far behind! WORK on it .


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's actually worse than no sex or no affection. You are being disrespected as though you are something less than human. You don't have a partner. You have an owner who gets to decide when and if you can engage in normal and vital human functions. If you were a dog she might have the decency to have you neutered.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

TimFrost said:


> even if I just want to spend some alone time with her and cuddle or watch TV she tells me how tired she is and shoos me from the room. but stays up for a couple of hours more watching TV or playing games on her tablet.


This is the most telling thing in your post. Everything else is all-too-common around here, and in so many marriages.

She's saying that she doesn't want you around, as hard as that is to hear.

It's up to you to find out why, and it's not always her. People tend to get sick of others around them when they're "always there" (ie. neediness).

She's working full time and filling in the rest of her time with school. She needs to kick back and forget everything else.

Unfortunately, she SHOULD be doing this with you, however it's possible that she believes any "cuddle time" you spend with her might lead to you wanting more.

Talk to her, find out why - without being condescending, needy or accusatory - she won't simply spend time with her husband.

Seems like a lack of communication is going on here, and perhaps she feels as though HER needs are not being met. Or that whenever you do meet her needs, there is an expectation she do something in return.


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