# Too old for relationships?



## doobie

I left my abusive H 2 years ago after a short marriage which had been a mistake. I brought up my two daughters on my own (they have different fathers) and once they'd both completed university, got degrees and good jobs, I decided to move overseas. I'd spent most of my adult life concentrating on bringing up my kids and always put my kids before any need to have a relationship with a man. My oldest daughter is in her mid 30s, is married to an amazing man who has a good job and they have a wonderful 4 year old daughter and own their own nice home (I could never afford to buy and always rented accommodation). I return to my home country for at least 6 weeks twice a year to stay with the kids, help with child care during school holidays, etc and always have a great time. While I'm there, my youngest daughter (who is single and concentrating on her career) comes to stay for several weekends and we have a wonderful time as a family. While I was visiting a few months ago, my oldest daughter made it obvious that she thinks I'm too old to date, that I'm crap at relationships with men so shouldn't bother and I got the impression that she finds the subject of me having boyfriends distasteful and embarrassing. She wasn't nasty about it in any way, though she is rather opinionated and made it clear that she finds the whole subject of older people having relationships ridiculous and icky! 

I've now returned to my home overseas and all this has sort of sunk in and is starting to depress me. I love my kids more than anything and wouldn't want to do anything that would harm my great relationship with all of them (my two daughters and my son in law) but I'm only 59 and this has led me to feeling that I have no hope for the future. I put aside opportunities I had when the kids were growing up (no way would I bring this up in conversation with them, as it was my decision and I wouldn't want to rub their noses in it and make them feel guilty in any way) thinking that now is my time to date and form relationships and maybe find somebody to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want to do this if it affects my relationship with my kids but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life alone - I spent most of my adult life without a relationship and feel that I deserve to have one now. 

Not sure where I'm going with this, but I'm feeling a sort of loss of hope and despair with visions of me returning to my home country and living out the rest of my days in a bedsit (which is all I would be able to afford in my home country), lonely and with no companionship apart from the kids. I know I'm not too old for relationships - I'm vital, active, love to go out walking, spend the evening dancing, etc. but I've recently started to despair for the future and am worried that I'll become depressed with nothing to look forward to, no future, etc.


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## MrsHolland

Well that was just a mean and nasty thing your daughter said to you. Of course you are not too old for a relationship.
What was her motivation for saying these things? Is she usually a mean person?

Anyway after all you have been through just concentrate on yourself now, time to live your life to the fullest with or without a new man.


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## Ynot

Who cares what your daughter thinks? What does she know? She has barely experienced half as much life as you have. While everything may be honky dory at the moment for her, all that could change over night! While I do not wish that on her, it is a still a very real possibility. It happened to me. 4 years ago, I would have been much like your daughter. Then reality set in and my wife decided to leave. I had to face the same fears that you have. You know what? All those fears were unfounded. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, go out and make the best of it. If you want to date - date. If you want a relationship - look for one. If you want a new hobby - get one. If you want a new career - go for it. Be brave and live boldly, because I think your daughter wouldn't mind holding you back just to make her own life look better from her perspective.


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## wild jade

Ask your daughter what she proposes to do when she is 59.

I expect she'll absolutely find there's nothing at all "icky" about a relationship at that age. 

Words like that can only come out of a young person's mouth. A young person who has no long term vision.


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## SunCMars

Huh?

Do men and women turn into zombies at fifty?

The men's ding-dongs fall off?
The ladies silk purses shrivel and dry shut?
....................................................................
This daughter has an Image of you.
An image of a caring mother.

A mother who has boobs that no man or reasonable person wants to see and enjoy.
A mother who has a VJ thats only purpose is to pee out of.
....................................................................
The daughter is being selfish.

She wants you for herself. 
She does not want to share you with some, "Old Creeper". She has issues with older men, methinks.
She likes this present arrangement just fine. Most people are 'change avoidant'.
....................................................................
Go ahead and find a decent companion.

This is one area that I have a hard time accepting. A women living without a man...all those years.
Not even dating.

Here's my very limited usage of the word. I "hate" this.


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## aine

doobie said:


> I left my abusive H 2 years ago after a short marriage which had been a mistake. I brought up my two daughters on my own (they have different fathers) and once they'd both completed university, got degrees and good jobs, I decided to move overseas. I'd spent most of my adult life concentrating on bringing up my kids and always put my kids before any need to have a relationship with a man. My oldest daughter is in her mid 30s, is married to an amazing man who has a good job and they have a wonderful 4 year old daughter and own their own nice home (I could never afford to buy and always rented accommodation). I return to my home country for at least 6 weeks twice a year to stay with the kids, help with child care during school holidays, etc and always have a great time. While I'm there, my youngest daughter (who is single and concentrating on her career) comes to stay for several weekends and we have a wonderful time as a family. While I was visiting a few months ago, my oldest daughter made it obvious that she thinks I'm too old to date, that I'm crap at relationships with men so shouldn't bother and I got the impression that she finds the subject of me having boyfriends distasteful and embarrassing. She wasn't nasty about it in any way, though she is rather opinionated and made it clear that she finds the whole subject of older people having relationships ridiculous and icky!
> 
> I've now returned to my home overseas and all this has sort of sunk in and is starting to depress me. I love my kids more than anything and wouldn't want to do anything that would harm my great relationship with all of them (my two daughters and my son in law) but I'm only 59 and this has led me to feeling that I have no hope for the future. I put aside opportunities I had when the kids were growing up (no way would I bring this up in conversation with them, as it was my decision and I wouldn't want to rub their noses in it and make them feel guilty in any way) thinking that now is my time to date and form relationships and maybe find somebody to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want to do this if it affects my relationship with my kids but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life alone - I spent most of my adult life without a relationship and feel that I deserve to have one now.
> 
> Not sure where I'm going with this, but I'm feeling a sort of loss of hope and despair with visions of me returning to my home country and living out the rest of my days in a bedsit (which is all I would be able to afford in my home country), lonely and with no companionship apart from the kids. I know I'm not too old for relationships - I'm vital, active, love to go out walking, spend the evening dancing, etc. but I've recently started to despair for the future and am worried that I'll become depressed with nothing to look forward to, no future, etc.


Your daughter is still young and will probably change her mind by the time she gets to your age. Sounds like you put everyone first in your life, time to put yourself first, if your kids love and appreciate you and I believe they do they will be happy for you when you meet the right person. YOU are their mother and its is your business what u do with your life, they will get over it.


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## doobie

Thanks for the replies and advice. My daughter's not a mean person at all, in fact, she's very caring and a great mother to my granddaughter, a good wife to her husband. When she said these things, she was actually quite upset at the thought of me having a relationship, almost in tears which is why I didn't push the subject, the last thing I want to do is upset my kids. She's done a much better job than I of sorting out her life - I brought my kids up in relative poverty because I was alone with them while my daughter's family enjoyes a relatively good standard of life with a much better household income than I could ever dream of. I don't think she's even being selfish, wanting me all to herself here because I'm living overseas most of the time and visit twice a year, ,staying with my daughter, son in law and granddaughter for 6 weeks at a time. I do go out, I have loads of hobbies and interests and I launched a new career about 7 years ago, working as a virtual assistant online which is how I've managed to move overseas. 

I had a relationship with a man that lasted about 6 months and ended 6 months ago, that was in the country in which I live. I didn't say much about him to my daughter when I visited as I'd already got the impression she was disapproving about this. When I was visiting this summer (after the relationship had ended), I sort of casually said something about this guy and she retorted "Oh yes, the man you didn't talk about". The only reason I didn't talk about him was that I'd sensed her disapproval and didn't want to end up in an argument with her about it - I try to make the most of the time I spend there with family. It hadn't been a serious relationship so thought it best not to push the issue. If I were to ask my daughter what she will be doing and feeling when she's my age, her answer would be that she has a husband, so the problem won't arise for her. I'm beginning to feel like a crap parent for not providing her with an upbringing within a happy marriage - but her father (who she hasn't had any contact with since the age of 1 year) has never supported her or contacted her so I fail to see how I could have done things differently. I've made sure that my kids will have much better lives than I have had - I wouldn't wish the hardships I've suffered on them. My younger daughter doesn't have this attitude - she's still single, concentrating on her career and does ask me about relationships, etc so doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

I'm now thinking that maybe from this point onwards, it will be okay to have casual short term relationships that don't have to impinge on my family's lives in any way but that's not really what I want. I would really like to find somebody that I could share my life with, share intersts with, etc. Instead, I'm feeling that the only way forward would be to keep things casual, have relationships with me to satisfy sexual needs and accept that I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm not seeing much of a way forward with this and am worried that I will become depressed by the situation. I'm finding life difficult enough as it is, right now. My income is not huge, I couldn't afford to return to my home country if I wanted to (I live overseas in a country where the cost of living is much cheaper and my rent is very low) as I just can't afford to live there. I have no real security for the future - I'm 59 don't know how long each job will last and have no savings to fall back on so I really am living on the edge.


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## uhtred

You are NOT too old to date / have a relationship. There are men in the same type of situation you are in. Men who find themselves single again and would love to enjoy a romantic relationship with a woman. 

I'm not much younger than you and I wouldn't spend the rest of my life single if my marriage ended

Go out and have fun!


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## SunCMars

Yes..

You are living on the edge.

Aren't we all?

Life is not guaranteed. And life is your most valuable asset.

Without "it" this life, you would not "be on the edge", Nay.

You simply......would not be.

Do whatever you can to spruce up the exterior of that shell we call "our body".

Lose weight? Gain weight? Tone up, walk your legs strong.

Strong and youthful looking legs in a nice dress. Uh, huh!

And smile a lot. Everyone loves a person who smiles, not frowns.

And when dating, leave behind the sad tales and the baggage.

Bring forward that fun loving lady who enjoys life, enjoys the company of a decent Chap.

Not a Chapstick. Leave those sticky wickets in the dust, in the past.


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## doobie

SunCMars said:


> Yes..
> 
> You are living on the edge.
> 
> Aren't we all?
> 
> Life is not guaranteed. And life is your most valuable asset.
> 
> Without "it" this life, you would not "be on the edge", Nay.
> 
> You simply......would not be.
> 
> Do whatever you can to spruce up the exterior of that shell we call "our body".
> 
> Lose weight? Gain weight? Tone up, walk your legs strong.
> 
> Strong and youthful looking legs in a nice dress. Uh, huh!
> 
> And smile a lot. Everyone loves a person who smiles, not frowns.
> 
> And when dating, leave behind the sad tales and the baggage.
> 
> Bring forward that fun loving lady who enjoys life, enjoys the company of a decent Chap.
> 
> Not a Chapstick. Leave those sticky wickets in the dust, in the past.


A bit more info - I'm not overweight (I weight 42 kilos), am fit and healthy as a result of walking and daily yoga practice. I'm generally happy-go-lucky and smiling most of the time. When I have had a date, I concentrate on being upbeat - I want interesting conversation, rather than talking about past mistakes/relationships. When I meet new people, I don't focus on what's gone wrong for me in the past, I focus on getting to know them, sharing interests, etc, rather than personal problems. When I go out, I'm generally the life and soul of the party - the person who gets everybody else up on the dance floor and I'm known for this. I do find meeting new people difficult, I'm living overseas where most of my fellow-countrymen/women are couples who do couple stuff so I don't really get invited or fit in. I find that a lot of the singles where I live are more interested in sitting in bars getting drunk than anything else, which is not for me at all. 

I do enjoy my own company but can be very socially outgoing too. However, I'm finding it difficult to meet interesting people of both sexes for friendship as so many people where I live seem to be hung up on gossiping. If I do try to start a conversation about something interesting - say books, current affairs, progress in science, etc, the conversation usually stops and then it goes back to the cheapest place to buy beans or who's sleeping with who and don't you think they shouldn't (I have no interest in judging others for their private lives). I am lonely - I've been back from my homecountry for nearly two weeks and the only person I've spoken to (other than staff in local shops) is a guy I went on a Tinder date with the other night. I'm just finding life really difficult right now and losing hope for the future. I'm not naturally a depressed person, I've had a challenging life but still manage to keep a happy outlook and smile most of the time. I would never let other people know I felt down, I can put on a face when I go out and socialise.

My main problem is not that I think that I shouldn't date when I get the chance, it's that I don't want to alienate my daughter by doing so. If I do form a relationship with a man, it's likely to be here overseas, rather than in my own country, so it needn't even involve my daughter, she won't have to meet the man.


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## doobie

The main reason I'm living on the edge is that my work is online as a virtual assistant and if my clients were to drop me I would have no way of paying my rent or bills. I have no savings and if things got really bad, I have nothing to fall back on. If I were ill and couldn't work (I work 6 or 7 days most weeks) I would have no income at all. It's a pretty scary situation to be in. I don't have a car or any other assets I could sell in order to tide me over and there is no outside work available where I live for those of us from overseas. Not moaning or anything, I just know that not many women or my age are in such a precarious financial situation so I know I need to stay strong and keep on it at all times in order to support myself. I am so glad that my daughter would never be in this position as she and her husband are much more settled financially than I have ever been.


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## aine

doobie said:


> Thanks for the replies and advice. My daughter's not a mean person at all, in fact, she's very caring and a great mother to my granddaughter, a good wife to her husband. When she said these things, she was actually quite upset at the thought of me having a relationship, almost in tears which is why I didn't push the subject, the last thing I want to do is upset my kids. She's done a much better job than I of sorting out her life - I brought my kids up in relative poverty because I was alone with them while my daughter's family enjoyes a relatively good standard of life with a much better household income than I could ever dream of. I don't think she's even being selfish, wanting me all to herself here because I'm living overseas most of the time and visit twice a year, ,staying with my daughter, son in law and granddaughter for 6 weeks at a time. I do go out, I have loads of hobbies and interests and I launched a new career about 7 years ago, working as a virtual assistant online which is how I've managed to move overseas.
> 
> I had a relationship with a man that lasted about 6 months and ended 6 months ago, that was in the country in which I live. I didn't say much about him to my daughter when I visited as I'd already got the impression she was disapproving about this. When I was visiting this summer (after the relationship had ended), I sort of casually said something about this guy and she retorted "Oh yes, the man you didn't talk about". The only reason I didn't talk about him was that I'd sensed her disapproval and didn't want to end up in an argument with her about it - I try to make the most of the time I spend there with family. It hadn't been a serious relationship so thought it best not to push the issue. If I were to ask my daughter what she will be doing and feeling when she's my age, her answer would be that she has a husband, so the problem won't arise for her. I'm beginning to feel like a crap parent for not providing her with an upbringing within a happy marriage - but her father (who she hasn't had any contact with since the age of 1 year) has never supported her or contacted her so I fail to see how I could have done things differently. I've made sure that my kids will have much better lives than I have had - I wouldn't wish the hardships I've suffered on them. My younger daughter doesn't have this attitude - she's still single, concentrating on her career and does ask me about relationships, etc so doesn't seem to have a problem with it.
> 
> I'm now thinking that maybe from this point onwards, it will be okay to have casual short term relationships that don't have to impinge on my family's lives in any way but that's not really what I want. I would really like to find somebody that I could share my life with, share intersts with, etc. Instead, I'm feeling that the only way forward would be to keep things casual, have relationships with me to satisfy sexual needs and accept that I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm not seeing much of a way forward with this and am worried that I will become depressed by the situation. I'm finding life difficult enough as it is, right now. My income is not huge, I couldn't afford to return to my home country if I wanted to (I live overseas in a country where the cost of living is much cheaper and my rent is very low) as I just can't afford to live there. I have no real security for the future - I'm 59 don't know how long each job will last and have no savings to fall back on so I really am living on the edge.



You have to stop putting your daughter's feelings and wants first. Actively date and see what happens, you are still very young!


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## doobie

aine said:


> You have to stop putting your daughter's feelings and wants first. Actively date and see what happens, you are still very young!


I have been actively dating - I had a first date on Sunday evening with a guy I met on Tinder. One of my major problems is that the dating pool where I live is very meagre. The guy I met on Sunday evening has French as a first language (I speak a little French and he speaks quite good English) and I found it difficult to really communicate in detail. We got on quite well, he seemed interesting, has his own business, home, cars, etc. However at the end of the evening he wanted to get into some heavy "snogging" and I found it very difficult to get across to him that I would prefer to get to know him well as a friend. I didn't actually find him that attractive physically, but I am mature and experienced enough to know that at my age, this is something that comes with time, when you get to know somebody's personality a lot better. I couldn't manage to get that across to him and all he wanted to do was kiss me and paw at me which I found really offputting. He's contacted me twice since to try to organise a second date (he's going away for a week at the end of this week and wants to see me before then) and I'm putting it off because I'm thinking he just wants sex. I have explained that I prefer to get to know somebody first and he replied that he didn't want to have sex, just kiss, but I'm really not ready for that and don't know if I will be with this guy. I would prefer to form a friendship first and take it from there.

I'm also finding the whole Tinder thing a little fraught, I find it a bit embarrassing and would be mortified if the local gossips got hold of the fact that I've been dating men I've met on Tinder so often swipe left when I come across men that have connections in common or live close by.


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## FeministInPink

A) Don't let your daughter's weird and immature feelings dictate what you do with your life. If you want to look for a long-term, serious relationship, then do it! If your daughter is uncomfortable with it, that's her problem. Her reaction is very immature and she's objectifying you a little bit. She sees you as "mother," not as a whole person. Don't allow her to pigeonhole you like that. Live your life the way you want!

B) You are 59 years old--you need to get your finances in order. Your precarious financial situation concerns me. I'm not a financial wizard, but you need to have some sort of safety net (emergency fund) in case you do find that you lose a client or two. I'm not sure who can offer advice on that, but I do think it's something that should be of the highest priority on your list, well ahead of dating.

C) Tinder, ugh. I don't know what Tinder is like for users my age, but for users my age, it's mostly for people looking to get an easy lay, not to find a relationship. I would recommend getting out into the community and doing activities and meeting people in a more organic fashion. It's more time consuming, but it also is a good way to nurture your social life and your interests. Trust me, there are other ways to meet people 

PS You're not too old for a relationship!!! People in retirement homes are old as **** and they are still getting it on. You're a spring chicken compared to them. Go out and get some


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## Livvie

My male boss is 62 and just got engaged. Nice ring, big wedding being planned. His fiancee is mid to late fifties. People in your age range can and do get together and actually get married. Heck, they could have a couple of decades+ together!!


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## FeministInPink

Livvie said:


> My male boss is 62 and just got engaged. Nice ring, big wedding being planned. His fiancee is mid to late fifties. People in your age range can and do get together and actually get married. Heck, they could have a couple of decades+ together!!


Yes, it can happen! A few years ago, my uncle got married for the first time, in his mid-60's. His bride was in her late 50s at the time (her second marriage).


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## doobie

Livvie said:


> My male boss is 62 and just got engaged. Nice ring, big wedding being planned. His fiancee is mid to late fifties. People in your age range can and do get together and actually get married. Heck, they could have a couple of decades+ together!!


I did get married 5 years ago to my H who turned out to be an abusive alcoholic, which he hid brilliantly in the year before the wedding. Once we were married, he changed overnight, stopped wanting sex (I first came across TAM, looking for help about our sexless marriage which he'd managed to convince me was my fault), started alientating my family until he insisted that we move here, overseas. Then he started verbally abusing me, first of all about my family, then about me. I put up with it for two years as it was my income that was paying all the bills on the expensive house he'd insisted on renting. He didn't work, my savings dwindled to nothing and it was a long time before I managed to get the money together to be able to leave him. He kept a lot of my possessions so I basically had to start from scratch again, finding somewhere cheap to rent then slowly buying furniture, etc as I could afford it. When I first left him, my confidence was at a fairly low ebb and I was broke so I stayed in the village we were living in where I had friends. However, all the friends are couples and the social activity here is all couples-based. My H kept the vehicle so I have no transport and rely on buses which only run on weekdays. I live in a small village, overseas from my homeland, and feel fairly stuck here. I've been trying to save enough for a deposit on a small flat in a coastal town with a larger population, more amenities and more social stuff going on but this has been difficult. I've already had friends from my homeland come and stay with me three times this year, which has meant extra expenses for me.

When I'm here alone, my needs are limited, I shop little (not much to buy in local shops) and spend little. When I do go out in the evening, I only have two drinks which means I rarely spend more than the equivalent of $6 on a night out so very much not a spendthrift. I do save quite a bit but because I fly to my homeland twice a year to spend time with the kids, my savings usually get used for that - the flights and then the extra expenses while I'm there. I do go out socially every couple of weeks in the village but never meet anybody new. In order to meet new people, it's at least a two hour walk each way or I'd have to bear the expense of taxis which doesn't help when I'm trying to save to move. I'm feeling pretty trapped right now and Tinder seems to be the only means of meeting new people for me, though it's not ideal by any means.


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## FeministInPink

@doobie if you hope to move in a year or two, who the hell cares what the local gossips say? They're just jealous cause they're not getting any 

Why did your ex keep so much of everything if you paid for it? What a tool! (Him, not you!)


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## Adelais

If you are breathing and have a heart you want to share, you are not too old. 

My MIL got married in her late 60's to a man who was in his late 70's at the time. They were both widowers and lonely, and it started as a kind of blind date set up by distant family members who knew them both. It was a bit rocky at first, because he had been a widower for many years and was very set in his ways (and grumpy) but I believe they got past that. I don't know about their intimate life, but they probably have one that works for them, since they are still married 8 years later.

Your daughter is being immature and selfish. You need to have an honest talk with her about your feelings, desire to not be alone, and that being married to someone will not diminish your love for her and your grand children. You have enough love to go around.

Make sure any man you get involved with knows your commitment to your own family. Keep them first, and do not allow him to limit your interaction with them, because it happens, and you don't want to fall into that trap. The same goes for him, he needs to be allowed to continue interacting with his own children if he has them.


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## SunCMars

I get it. The dating 'pool' is murky, algae laden.

Since you can do virtual work from anywhere, I would move to a big city, wherein English is predominant.

Are you of Indian or of African Descent?


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## doobie

FeministInPink said:


> @doobie if you hope to move in a year or two, who the hell cares what the local gossips say? They're just jealous cause they're not getting any
> 
> *Why did your ex keep so much of everything if you paid for it? What a tool! (Him, not you!)*


 @FeministInPink - he was much bigger than me and always on the verge of violence. After the first instance of physical (rather than verbal and emotional) abuse, I left and considered myself lucky to get away without any severe physical damage :smile2:. During the last year of our marriage, I was literally locking my bedroom door at night to ensure my safety.


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## doobie

Nope, I'm from the UK and living in Greece. There are no big cities here really and I hate cities anyway. I just want to move to a coastal town so I can get to the beach more often. At the moment, it's a two hour walk each way which means taking too much time off work to go to the beach. If I move to a coastal town, I can walk on the beach and still do several hours of work a day.


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## MrsHolland

doobie said:


> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
> 
> *I'm now thinking that maybe from this point onwards, it will be okay to have casual short term relationships that don't have to impinge on my family's lives in any way but that's not really what I want. I would really like to find somebody that I could share my life with, share intersts with, etc. Instead, I'm feeling that the only way forward would be to keep things casual, have relationships with me to satisfy sexual needs and accept that I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life*. I'm not seeing much of a way forward with this and am worried that I will become depressed by the situation. I'm finding life difficult enough as it is, right now. My income is not huge, I couldn't afford to return to my home country if I wanted to (I live overseas in a country where the cost of living is much cheaper and my rent is very low) as I just can't afford to live there. I have no real security for the future - I'm 59 don't know how long each job will last and have no savings to fall back on so I really am living on the edge.


Stop being a martyr and live the life you want.


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## Openminded

I remember your story. Maybe your daughter is afraid you'll find someone like your ex-husband and get hurt again. 

I'm older than you and I casually date but I'm not interested in a relationship so that works for me. However, many people my age are interested in relationships so I'm afraid your daughter is way off base. The problem is she can't imagine ever being your age. But she will be, if she's lucky, and she shouldn't depend on her husband being around when she is your age because things happen. 

Do what you want and don't discuss it with her if you'd rather not. I don't feel my middle-age child needs to know about my social life.


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## john117

doobie said:


> Not sure where I'm going with this, but I'm feeling a sort of loss of hope and despair with visions of me returning to my home country and living out the rest of my days in a bedsit (which is all I would be able to afford in my home country), lonely and with no companionship apart from the kids. I know I'm not too old for relationships - I'm vital, active, love to go out walking, spend the evening dancing, etc. but I've recently started to despair for the future and am worried that I'll become depressed with nothing to look forward to, no future, etc.


First of all, you may have picked a part of the world that is not conducive to later-in-life romance. I've traveled around the Mediterranean a fair amount when I was younger (let's hear it for EuRail people :smile2: ) and from one side of the Med to the other it was not like older folk (like me now lolz) were (a) in abundance and (b) hitting the dating circuit. S

Second, for all practical purposes, you're an expat. Things tend to be different for us expats. I've lived in America for 35 years and have no illusions of 'belonging' to the extent the natives do. Don't get me wrong, I can play Bingo like the best of them and drive my Mini 10 below the speed limit like the best of them and eat the 4:00 PM dinner buffet like the best of them and take a cruise with the best of them... You get the idea. I don't know exactly where you are (city) but I've last been there 20+ years ago and unless things changed, if you're far from the 2-3 big urban centers social life ain't what it is in Ft. Lauderdale for people our age.

Third, your daughter's comments were silly, but remember, she does not know better. The very fact that she thinks this way unfortunately suggests lower empathy, something that is to be expected for the younger "I got mine" generation. I don't think she means any of it. Does it mean you can't succeed? not at all. My favorite aunt (DD1 named after her for hopes of inheritance > ) was in love with a guy in her early 20's. Said guy immigrated to the USSR and was not to be heard from again for 20 years. When the Iron Curtain was about to fall, he surfaced again with two teenagers, now a widower, and came back to our country. He met up with aunt, and married within a month. She was late 40's at the time. They lived a good 20 years together and passed on fairly close to each other. Unfortunately the inheritance went to his kids crying: ). She was good looking, but had a personality that was about as OCD as it gets. But she succeeded. There are people out there. 

Fourth, a bedsit (studio apartment for those of us this side of the pond) is not the end-all. DD2's bedsit is very nice and she'll be there for another 4-8 years (med school + residency). It doesn't define who you are. Just where you sleep. Not any more than my damned McMansion defines who I am.

Fifth, if you're active, and enjoy life, how are you doing with the language? it could be the difference between one option and another. Also, does the NHS cover you there? 

Stay strong and try to find happiness in the smaller things first. The bigger things will take care of themselves.


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## john117

doobie said:


> Nope, I'm from the UK and living in Greece. There are no big cities here really and I hate cities anyway. I just want to move to a coastal town so I can get to the beach more often. At the moment, it's a two hour walk each way which means taking too much time off work to go to the beach. If I move to a coastal town, I can walk on the beach and still do several hours of work a day.


Walking 2 hours while weighing 42 kg could be a significant health risk. Can you somehow manage moving to a larger city on the coast?


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## Diana7

FeministInPink said:


> Yes, it can happen! A few years ago, my uncle got married for the first time, in his mid-60's. His bride was in her late 50s at the time (her second marriage).


MY aunt married the love of her life when she was 60 and he 70.


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## Handy

* Doobie
I put up with it for two years as it was my income that was paying all the bills on the expensive house he'd insisted on renting. He didn't work, my savings dwindled to nothing and it was a long time before I managed to get the money together to be able to leave him.*

This is why your daughter is so against you dating. She is probably concerned it might happen again. She doesn't want to see you being taken advantage of again.

At 59 you are almost too young for me if I was single and looking for a long term partner. What I am saying at your current age I see nothing wrong with dating and marrying the right man. I don't know anything about Tinder but I hear it is a site where people look to connect sexually. I am thinking the better, more dependable men might be on Match or some other places. Ask the women that are dating about what they like about the service they are using.

BTW, if you said you were 80 yrs old and your man friend had one foot in the grave, I might advise you to just be his friend and not his lover, but HAY, maybe being his lover would work. It has for others in the past.

At 59 yrs old you are a spring chicken, so go for it but be more discerning. Men your age should be working, have a decent living quarters, some money in the bank, a good start on a retirement plan, a decent car, and nor into doing crazy things. Work on your "PICKER" and date decent guys.


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## FeministInPink

doobie said:


> @FeministInPink - he was much bigger than me and always on the verge of violence. After the first instance of physical (rather than verbal and emotional) abuse, I left and considered myself lucky to get away without any severe physical damage :smile2:. During the last year of our marriage, I was literally locking my bedroom door at night to ensure my safety.


Then I am very glad that you escaped that relationship safely. Physical items are not worth your physical safety.


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## FeministInPink

john117 said:


> Fourth, a bedsit (studio apartment for those of us this side of the pond) is not the end-all. DD2's bedsit is very nice and she'll be there for another 4-8 years (med school + residency). It doesn't define who you are. Just where you sleep. Not any more than my damned McMansion defines who I am.


I didn't know this, thanks for the definition. Nothing wrong with a studio! I'm hoping to buy a studio condo in the next couple years, but they are a little hard to find. But I want something small, because I feel money is better spent on things, other than space I don't need. Like experiences. And travel. Not stuff.


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## doobie

john117 said:


> Walking 2 hours while weighing 42 kg could be a significant health risk. Can you somehow manage moving to a larger city on the coast?


That's my plan at the moment, @john117 . Just waiting for all the summer tourists to go and the nearest seaside town to empty a bit so I can negotiate affordable rent on a long-term rental. However, I'm not real skinny, I'm only 4ft 10 ins and in proportion. I'm fitter and healthier than most people my age (and than a lot of people a lot younger than me) due to walking and yoga. A two-hour walk is nothing and if I walk to the beach, spend the whole day there and then walk back, I've usually done 20km by the time I get home and then maybe feel a little tired in a good way. I'm of the opinion that mankind evolved to walk, not to sit and I find sitting much more difficult than walking! I also wear good Doc Marten boots to walk, take care of my feet - I can't remember the last time my feet got sore from walking.

As for healthcare, I rarely need to see a doctor. I have done here in Greece on the odd occasion - I just go to the local health centre and use my EHIC card. Not sure if that will still apply after (crazy) Brexit becomes reality though


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## SunCMars

FeministInPink said:


> A) Don't let your daughter's weird and immature feelings dictate what you do with your life. If you want to look for a long-term, serious relationship, then do it! If your daughter is uncomfortable with it, that's her problem. Her reaction is very immature and she's objectifying you a little bit. She sees you as "mother," not as a whole person. Don't allow her to pigeonhole you like that. Live your life the way you want!
> 
> B) You are 59 years old--you need to get your finances in order. Your precarious financial situation concerns me. I'm not a financial wizard, but you need to have some sort of safety net (emergency fund) in case you do find that you lose a client or two. I'm not sure who can offer advice on that, but I do think it's something that should be of the highest priority on your list, well ahead of dating.
> 
> C) Tinder, ugh. I don't know what Tinder is like for users my age, but for users my age, it's mostly for people looking to get an easy lay, not to find a relationship. I would recommend getting out into the community and doing activities and meeting people in a more organic fashion. It's more time consuming, but it also is a good way to nurture your social life and your interests. Trust me, there are other ways to meet people
> 
> PS*You're not too old for a relationship!!! People in retirement homes are old as **** and they are still getting it on.* You're a spring chicken compared to them. Go out and get some


 @Blondilocks.............read this post. 

Old is just that. An older version of the younger version.

Body is old hat.
Mind is just not....that.


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## john117

SunCMars said:


> @Blondilocks.............read this post.
> 
> Old is just that. An older version of the younger version.
> 
> Body is old hat.
> Mind is just not....that.


For most people it is. We can sugar-coat it all we want. I work with a bunch of silver hairs and they're not remotely near my "youth"...


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## Vinnydee

I live among 150,000 people over 55. There is a lot of dating and sex going on. There are places to go at night to mingle with other singles and see what happens from there. You need to find an environment with people in your age group as we did. We reached a time when we realized that we were the oldest couple around and the streets were full of young kids playing ball or skate boarding. My sister dated at 56 and found a guy she now lives with. The problem seems to be with your kids accepting that their mom is a sexual being and wants a man in her life. Assure them that they will have a voice in anyone you decide to commit to so they feel that they have some control. 

They need to view you as more than their mom and good communication can fix that.


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## doobie

SunCMars said:


> @Blondilocks.............read this post.
> 
> Old is just that. An older version of the younger version.
> 
> Body is old hat.
> Mind is just not....that.


Ha - I think that may be one of my main problems - my mind is quite young (though my body's fairly young for my age too) and I look at men around my age and it just seems like a lot of them are "old blokes"! I still have loads of energy and when I'm out with people my age they get horrified by the fact that I enjoy walking several miles or that I'm up on the dance floor pogoing around all night long. If I'm out with people and suggest doing something "active", they tend to adopt a look of horror because the only activity they seem to do is walking from the car to the nearest table where they can get food and drink. I'm always the one who goes wandering off exploring the area. I sometimes get a lift down to a coastal town where there's some sort of social thing going on (bingo or a quiz or karaoke) and I just head for the beach to walk and then go back and have a final drink before getting a lift home.


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## SunCMars

doobie said:


> Ha - I think that may be one of my main problems - my mind is quite young (though my body's fairly young for my age too) and I look at men around my age and it just seems like a lot of them are "old blokes"! I still have loads of energy and when I'm out with people my age they get horrified by the fact that I enjoy walking several miles or that I'm up on the dance floor pogoing around all night long. If I'm out with people and suggest doing something "active", they tend to adopt a look of horror because the only activity they seem to do is walking from the car to the nearest table where they can get food and drink. I'm always the one who goes wandering off exploring the area. I sometimes get a lift down to a coastal town where there's some sort of social thing going on (bingo or a quiz or karaoke) and I just head for the beach to walk and then go back and have a final drink before getting a lift home.


Well, that makes two of us on TAM.

Due to:

Good genes. Not all of them!!
Good luck.

Hard work.
Consistently keeping active. Run, bike, swim, hike, ski, etc. 

Refusing to give up.
Refusing to get old. Long Term? I see failing in the endeavor, but holding the fort.


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## Louise McCann

2 words: online dating. You will find anything but a shortage of men. 

To find a quality man though, is the tricky part. Have fun with it, and feel sexy again! Btw I am 24 & I don't think there is anything icky about dating at an older age. I could be wrong, but I always thought that older couples had a higher chance of a lasting relationship as they no longer would feel the need to see "what else is out there" or they might worry that their time is running out. The One might be waiting for you


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