# Possible EA or more, can't confirm



## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

A quick summary of events, Been married for a year and a half, I work out of town about 5-6 months out of the year broken up into 2-3 month increments. A couple months after we we married, I was away at work & wife attended class reunion, was a two day event. During that time she became very hard to contact by phone, we talked once each afternoon & things seemed ok. After the weekend was over she confessed to me that she'd been very drunk & second night stay at a girlfriends house. 
I come home a couple weeks later, a week ahead of schedule I might add & find a text came through on her phone from a guy that says "am I gonna have to wait another ten years to see you again?" Searching previous texts I found that they were planning on going out dancing the following weekend & a BBQ with his kids. One of her replies said "if I'm good enough to sleep with then I should be good enough to me your family." 
I was furious, immediately confronted her & she explained it away as just talk & nothing happened, her argument was if she was up to something she could have easily erased the texts. This was the beginning of my distrust for her. I now realize & am ashamed to say that I rug swept this incident.
Fast forward one year ,we have new phone numbers & preparing to move out of state, am away at work & she tells me her girlfriend is throwing her a going away party, am uneasy about this but do not object. Couple weeks later I check phone records & find 270 texts & 4 calls to this same guy from reunion, in a six day span. Am very pissed that she's given her number & corresponding with people that have caused so much trouble in our marriage. Have decided to keep quiet & keep gathering information.
Further investigating has revealed texting relationships with at least two others. One for sure a man, the other still checking. Have hired PI to do some digging. Suspicious thing about the mans number is he was NOT in her contacts & the chat log was deleted. Also she started texting him the day I left for work & there are a lot of texts between them,700-1000 per month. The unconfirmed # had 2300 text exchanges in one month with some pics going back & forth. They both taper off to nearly nothing when I'm home. 
I don't think I can ever trust her, the level of betrayal I feel is tremendous & right now my plan is to have her to move out as soon as I get home & begin divorce process. Am just putting on a happy face & not revealing what I know as I don't want to have this conversation over the phone. All my questions would be answered if I saw the nature of the texts. 
What I don't understand is our marriage is great when I'm home,no fights, great sex life & enjoy spending time together, but I feel like I'm not being true to myself, if this had been happening to one of my friends I'd be saying get rid of her. I guess I just want to be at peace in my heart.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

With your work schedule, and her history, I think D is the right path. 

I hope you do not have kids with her. If you do confront, ask if she always used a condom. Has she been tested for stds? 

This early in the marriage, if you do not have kids, and with your work schedule, she is not someone you can trust.

Sorry this is happening to you. Have you thought about installing a VAR? Or has your PI installed things to help you catch her?

That is way too many texts not to be up to something.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

She is a cheater. No two ways about it. Best thing you can do is to really analyse what it is about her that makes her so, look at the behaviour that surrounds a cheater, and make sure you choose different next time around.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Marriage should not be a goal for you if you are going to keep a work schedule like that. Marriage is constant work. She probably assumes you are getting a little on the side too.

Don't be surprised if she bails out on the move.

No matter what, the cheating is 100% on your wife. Btw, we see lots of affairs that start at reunions. You should have been there to c©ck block.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Marriage should not be a goal for you if you are going to keep a work schedule like that. Marriage is constant work. She probably assumes you are getting a little on the side too.
> 
> Don't be surprised if she bails out on the move.
> 
> *No matter what, the cheating is 100% on you*. Btw, we see lots of affairs that start at reunions. You should have been there to c©ck block.


Are you saying her cheating is 100% his fault?:scratchhead:


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

So if I'm hearing this correctly, people with jobs out of town such as military or private contractors shouldn't get married? Interesting perspective,we can't all just take time off work & fly 3000mi to accompany wife to reunion just to fight off all the swingin' d/cks always thought you should be able to trust your spouse. Thankfully there are no kids & if she's thinking I'm getting some on the side......she could'nt be more wrong. Oh....was just confirmed,other phone # is ex husband. Think I know what I need to do.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I would bet there is more to this. Have you placed a VAR in her car and or your bedroom, where she may talk with someone on the phone? Reunions are bad news for marriages. That is where my wife started her EA that turned into an RA. 

Try the VAR's she what the PI finds but I am betting on the bad news. If it turns out she is having a EA or PA what are you ready to do?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Jt58 said:


> So if I'm hearing this correctly, people with jobs out of town such as military or private contractors shouldn't get married? Interesting perspective,we can't all just take time off work & fly 3000mi to accompany wife to reunion just to fight off all the swingin' d/cks always thought you should be able to trust your spouse. Thankfully there are no kids & if she's thinking I'm getting some on the side......she could'nt be more wrong. Oh....was just confirmed,other phone # is ex husband. Think I know what I need to do.


No, you shouldn't have to go out of your way to accompany her to reunion or be afraid to go away for work for a few months at a time. Not with most trustworthy women anyway. Unfortunately your wife is not trustworthy. 

Please sigh relief that you do not have kids with her, and move on, as you plan. Sorry you are in this situation.

PS THe cheating is not on you. It was 100% her choice to cheat. If she was unhappy with your work situation then you discuss it like adults. She was happy to have you home half the time, and she was happy you were gone half the time. She was happy you were supporting her all of the time. Cut her loose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> "if I'm good enough to sleep with then I should be good enough to me your family."


Hi Mom and Dad,

This is Kendra or Marsha or Sarah my fvck buddy whom I bang because she gets lonely when her husband is away for work... Serious relationship, are you kidding, if she cheats on her husband, she might do it to me, so no she's just some easy tail. Right, babe?"

Never discuss her cheating. Just file for D and go dark. Post OM on Cheaterville.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

JT

You are right.

You know what you need to do.

Drop the bomb, hand her the papers and shake her hand goodbye.

She does not deserve a kiss. She can get plenty of kisses from her Ex.

HM


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Jt58 said:


> What I don't understand is our marriage is great when I'm home,no fights, great sex life & enjoy spending time together.


She has two lives, one when you’re home and one when you’re away. She enjoys them both.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Very sorry she is doing this to you. I work with many women who have husbands work out of town. One guy was unavailable even by phone for 8 weeks (way far north and satellite phone was for emergencies only), and his devoted fiancée kept occupied with friends (female), church and family. Not every partner can't stand to be without a man while they are away to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> Marriage should not be a goal for you if you are going to keep a work schedule like that. Marriage is constant work. She probably assumes you are getting a little on the side too.
> 
> Don't be surprised if she bails out on the move.
> 
> No matter what, the cheating is 100% on your wife. Btw, we see lots of affairs that start at reunions. You should have been there to c©ck block.


Lol, edited this post for a massive blunder.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I do not agree that it is in any way your fault because you work out of town. A relationship is an agreement between two consenting people. If one is unhappy it us "up to them to say so". Its not your fault she cheated. I think you are doing the right thing. As soon as I was at home I would just file and get her out. I don't think I would entertain anything she had to say. It sounds like she has been lying to you the whole time anyhow so what would really be the point in listening to her now.

Clay


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jt58 said:


> A quick summary of events, Been married for a year and a half, I work out of town about 5-6 months out of the year broken up into 2-3 month increments. A couple months after we we married, I was away at work & wife attended class reunion, was a two day event. During that time she became very hard to contact by phone, we talked once each afternoon & things seemed ok. After the weekend was over she confessed to me that she'd been very drunk & second night stay at a girlfriends house.
> I come home a couple weeks later, a week ahead of schedule I might add & find a text came through on her phone from a guy that says "am I gonna have to wait another ten years to see you again?" Searching previous texts I found that they were planning on going out dancing the following weekend & a BBQ with his kids. *One of her replies said "if I'm good enough to sleep with then I should be good enough to me your family." *
> I was furious, immediately confronted her & she explained it away as just talk & nothing happened, her argument was if she was up to something she could have easily erased the texts. This was the beginning of my distrust for her. I now realize & am ashamed to say that I rug swept this incident.
> Fast forward one year ,we have new phone numbers & preparing to move out of state, am away at work & she tells me her girlfriend is throwing her a going away party, am uneasy about this but do not object. Couple weeks later I check phone records & find 270 texts & 4 calls to this same guy from reunion, in a six day span. Am very pissed that she's given her number & corresponding with people that have caused so much trouble in our marriage. Have decided to keep quiet & keep gathering information.
> ...


"Just talk" huh? "Nothing happened" huh? 

Yeah, right.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

My point was that ther are situations, professions, careers, etc. that are much more likely to lead to divorce and infidelity. One third of all people cheat. 70-75% of people polled admit they would cheat if they knew they would not get caught. Is that the way things should be? Of course not. But if you gamble on bad odds the chances are you might lose.

I have no answer for those that have to travel or be away from home. But at my experienced age, there is no chance I would consider a long distance 
relationship.


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

mahike said:


> I would bet there is more to this. Have you placed a VAR in her car and or your bedroom, where she may talk with someone on the phone? Reunions are bad news for marriages. That is where my wife started her EA that turned into an RA.
> 
> Try the VAR's she what the PI finds but I am betting on the bad news. If it turns out she is having a EA or PA what are you ready to do?


I'm getting a lawyer & ending this. This is no way to live that's for sure. Any D advice would be good. Don't need to know the nature of the texts anymore,just want out! Just gotta put on happy face 'till I get home.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't let her gaslight you. She will try. She did it before. Stay with you course of action.

It will take a while to get a final D. You might find this list useful to stay detached. 180 List


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Lol, edited this post for a massive blunder.


I thought it was an error. :smthumbup:


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Don't let her gaslight you. She will try. She did it before. Stay with you course of action.
> 
> It will take a while to get a final D. You might find this list useful to stay detached. 180 List


I agree.

If she get real adamant while proclaiming her innocence, tell her, polygraph, next week. You fail, you don't contest the divorce.

Se'll never take the test, but it'll shut her up I bet.


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

As far as I'm concerned I have all the evidence I need, don't need to know what the texts say. She's already shown me she's a liar & hides things. When I call her at night she says she's tired & going to go to sleep, when I check the phone log it shows texts to her ex for hrs into the night. Then start again in the morning after she gets up!Don't know how either of them get any work done. That many texts to that person cannot be good. Will never trust her again. Just want to get through D as quickly & painlessly as possible.


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

Found the 180 list quite helpful, thank you anchorwatch.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How long married?

Is the PI sending reports?

Some states you can file at fault for adultery and that may have an affect on alimony and custody.


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> How long married?
> 
> Is the PI sending reports?
> 
> Some states you can file at fault for adultery and that may have an affect on alimony and custody.


Married for a year & half, PI is sending reports. Just got moved a few months ago so texting with ex has been long distance but she's going back to where we moved from for a week very soon,whether an EA or PA matters not, I'm not making any distinction between the two. Am sure one if not both have happened. Just too many lies to play the cat & mouse game anymore. The state I'm filing for D in is a no fault state.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Sounds VERY suspicious. Have you talked with her lately about what you fear is happening....the late posts and other things?  You're probably totally correct in your assumptions, but at least later you can say you tried everything before throwing in the towel.


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

thummper said:


> Sounds VERY suspicious. Have you talked with her lately about what you fear is happening....the late posts and other things?  You're probably totally correct in your assumptions, but at least later you can say you tried everything before throwing in the towel.


Have confronted her before concerning OM she started texting the day I left for work. This went on for 2 months, 700-1000 texts exchanged each month. Informed her that texting another man this much is completely inappropriate & unacceptable. Because I did not know the content of the texts, there was no definitive proof. A person you would text that many times would be in your contacts (he was not)& if she deleted the texts (which she did), that shows she would have been ashamed or embarrassed for me to see them. She does not delete her other texts to girl friends & family. When I get home this time all of the texting that I've seen on the phone bill with these other men (including the reunion guy) will surely be deleted. So even though I have no definitive proof, all of the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. That is the way it been with everything I've presented in my original post. Am still so fed up am going to continue with the D.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Jt58,

I'm glad you are finally awake and putting an end to this s**t.

Honestly, the whole "good enough to sleep with" text should have been enough. There is NO possible excuse for crap like that in a text.

Luckily, it has only cost you a year of your life.

Undoubtedly though, her belief that she got away with it led to her continued carelessness about covering her tracks, and that is about to blow up in her face big time.

Have the D papers filled out when you arrive home and lay them right in front of her as soon as you walk in the door.

Then tell her she needs to leave immediately and go dark on her except for D proceedings.

Blow this cake-eater's world up.


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

Could someone please explain the term "go dark"? Still new here & don't quite have all the acronyms & terminology down yet.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, sorry for the spot you are in, but I agree with your decision. Now execute and move forward with your life. You will be happy again. I know this part is rough.

Good luck
wd


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Go dark means that you file for divorce and cut off all communication. This reduces painful interaction. If you have children, this not 100%.

Without children you never have to see her again.

Going dark also allows you to send an unambiguous message. If she sends emails asking why, why, why?

No answer is the best reply. Perhaps she will even confess by writing something like "somebody told you something but it's not true."


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Jt58 said:


> Could someone please explain the term "go dark"? Still new here & don't quite have all the acronyms & terminology down yet.


Basically have Zero contact with her. Don't let her know what you are doing where you go, your life is now not her business. You don't have kids, so that makes this much easier in that sense, since you don't have to co-parent with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read Shamwow's thread or Eric415


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go dark means cut off all communication.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Also google the 180. It isn't as severe as going dark but is used to prepare yourself for divorce.

Good luck


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

One of her replies said "if I'm good enough to sleep with then I should be good enough to me your family."

This says it all to me. She did the guy at the time she went to the reunion.

You are right on track.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Jt58 said:


> As far as I'm concerned I have all the evidence I need, don't need to know what the texts say. She's already shown me she's a liar & hides things. When I call her at night she says she's tired & going to go to sleep, when I check the phone log it shows texts to her ex for hrs into the night. Then start again in the morning after she gets up!Don't know how either of them get any work done. That many texts to that person cannot be good. Will never trust her again. Just want to get through D as quickly & painlessly as possible.


Thank you for being a very smart man (even though what I'm about to say is gender neutral).

There is NEVER a time where a person sends 2300 texts to another person and it not be of some nefarious reason (assuming we're talking about someone that isn't their spouse). 2300 texts...30 days...that's about 1 text every 20 minutes of EVERY day of the month.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

how old are you two?

Meet a lawyer. Protect your assets


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> how old are you two?
> 
> Meet a lawyer. Protect your assets


Only married one and a half years d should be pretty easy in my opinion.


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

Hang in there, mate. Take good care of yourself. 

I am in a very similar situation - married for 8 months, wife having EAs with 3 ex-lovers - EAs which would have definitely turned into PAs if any of the 3 guys would have been in the same city as us.

I know that I just can't trust her ever again. Divorce seems like the only option.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

While I'm not happy to read about Jt58's situation, it sure is refreshing to read that he's taking the correct steps and is not delusional in any way about what needs to be done and his understanding of what his wife is all about.


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> how old are you two?
> 
> Meet a lawyer. Protect your assets


I'm 42,she's 39. Talk to lawyer today on phone. With my income being so much higher than her's, even with such a short marriage is still going to cost me. Better now than ten years down the road I guess.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Jt58 said:


> I'm 42,she's 39. Talk to lawyer today on phone. With my income being so much higher than her's, even with such a short marriage is still going to cost me. Better now than ten years down the road I guess.


:iagree:
Better than lifetime alimony. See if you can reach a settlement with her and get her out of your life that much faster.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jt58 said:


> I'm 42,she's 39. Talk to lawyer today on phone. With my income being so much higher than her's, even with such a short marriage is still going to cost me. Better now than ten years down the road I guess.


Smart man. You would have been more entangled later down the road too.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get STD tests, too. Just in case.


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## DoktorFun (Feb 25, 2014)

Jt58 said:


> I'm 42,she's 39. Talk to lawyer today on phone. With my income being so much higher than her's, even with such a short marriage is still going to cost me. *Better now than ten years down the road I guess.*


*This*^ for sure! :iagree:


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Jt58 said:


> I'm 42,she's 39. Talk to lawyer today on phone. With my income being so much higher than her's, even with such a short marriage is still going to cost me. Better now than ten years down the road I guess.


Sorry you are going through this crap, I hope you have someone to talk to about this stuff. D or R either way has pain for you to deal with. I am sure the PI will turn more up. You may want to talk this stuff out with an IC.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You know, you do not have to put up with this crap! You could just say, "OK, you win, BYE!"

You only have one life. (That we know of) Why put yourself thru all the BS of a PA. Just say, you know what, I am out of here, and leave.

I think men have honor, and women know how to get over things.

Just my 2 cents. David


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Jt58 said:


> Better now than ten years down the road I guess.


Yes, better now. There are intricate laws involving your retirement, any pensions and, like stated earlier, alimony. If this is your true line, do not hesitate and get started now. Also, sit down with at least two other lawyers and pick the best.

We have a couple threads where the poster divorced and months or longer later they are back together. You can always reconcile, don't know why anyone does after divorce, later. So, in my opinion end it and she can change by herself.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Jt58 said:


> I'm 42,she's 39. Talk to lawyer today on phone. With my income being so much higher than her's, even with such a short marriage is still going to cost me. Better now than ten years down the road I guess.


 What you need to do is when you file, have her served while she's at work. Then she'll get a real jolt of reality. 

I understand why things are rosey when your home. She has the security of married life and she knows that you have to go out of town as part of your job so IMO she is a very patient woman and knows that when your gone, she can play to her hearts content. 

Now what she doesn't know is that she's about to get her wings clipped and when that happens, please don't fall for the tears. Those tears are "Oh $h!t, I'm caught" tears and not that she's losing her marriage and husband.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Jt58 said:


> I'm 42,she's 39. Talk to lawyer today on phone. With my income being so much higher than her's, even with such a short marriage is still going to cost me. Better now than ten years down the road I guess.


Jt58, you've said that you know enough to d and that's fine.

However, if you do want to find out more, this is a good way to go about it.

Before you confront, buy and place a couple VARs in your house where she is likely to be while talking on the phone. Then, confront her with what you have. Maybe even hint that you know even more. Then tell her you are leaving for a few hours to cool down.

She(more than likely) will immediately start making calls to start damage control. Calling her EA partner(s) to clue them in. Maybe a friend that she has confide in and so on.

Later on, when you can safely do so, collect the VARs. I'd bet the farm that you'll have a pretty good idea of the extent of the EA(s) and if there was any PA going on.

It may not matter to you, but me personally, I'd want to know.


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Jt58, you've said that you know enough to d and that's fine.
> 
> However, if you do want to find out more, this is a good way to go about it.
> 
> ...


I would definitely be in favor of doing that, only thing is with the exception of the 4 calls I mentioned in original post to reunion guy, there has never been any voice chat, only text & there is a LOT of texting. She seems to use the phone very little for talking, just massive amounts of text. I agree with you, if there's more to find out then I would want to know. Right now I'm still working out of town & I can't see what she is texting. I have found based on phone record dates that she was texting her ex last time I was home & in my presence & lied about who she was texting when I asked. Her text quote "if I was good enough to sleep with......" Is the most damning piece of evidence I have. I know in my heart she is up to no good, she lies & is deceitful & if I confront her about ex even with it as bad as it looks she'll use the "I don't trust her" speech, gaslighting, I believe was the term used earlier.....well that's not going to happen again. Funny how people deny wrongdoing, even in the face of the most compelling evidence. That is why I just want to kick her out & not tell her why. I will not continue to live this way,even if that means starting D process without concrete evidence. 

Also want to thank everyone for their support, is my first time on here & all of your responses are much appreciated & very helpful.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Jt58, when will you be home? Do you have to wait long to serv her D papers?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Jt58 said:


> I would definitely be in favor of doing that, only thing is with the exception of the 4 calls I mentioned in original post to reunion guy, there has never been any voice chat, only text & there is a LOT of texting. She seems to use the phone very little for talking, just massive amounts of text. I agree with you, if there's more to find out then I would want to know. Right now I'm still working out of town & I can't see what she is texting. I have found based on phone record dates that she was texting her ex last time I was home & in my presence & lied about who she was texting when I asked. Her text quote "if I was good enough to sleep with......" Is the most damning piece of evidence I have. I know in my heart she is up to no good, she lies & is deceitful & if I confront her about ex even with it as bad as it looks she'll use the "I don't trust her" speech, gaslighting, I believe was the term used earlier.....well that's not going to happen again. Funny how people deny wrongdoing, even in the face of the most compelling evidence. That is why I just want to kick her out & not tell her why. I will not continue to live this way,even if that means starting D process without concrete evidence.
> 
> Also want to thank everyone for their support, is my first time on here & all of your responses are much appreciated & very helpful.


jt I hope men 20 some years younger than us read these posts.
I'm 46 and I'l tell you 20 years ago I had a totally different mindset.
Take care man.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Sorry you have to go through this. But you've found a great place so don't leave.


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

TOMTEFAR said:


> Jt58, when will you be home? Do you have to wait long to serv her D papers?


Will be home in aproxx. 2 weeks. Had short phone consultation with lawyer today. Did not ask him how long to file & serve papers, shouldn't take to long though.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Jt58 said:


> I* would definitely be in favor of doing that, only thing is with the exception of the 4 calls I mentioned in original post to reunion guy, there has never been any voice chat, only text & there is a LOT of texting. She seems to use the phone very little for talking, just massive amounts of text.* I agree with you, if there's more to find out then I would want to know. Right now I'm still working out of town & I can't see what she is texting. I have found based on phone record dates that she was texting her ex last time I was home & in my presence & lied about who she was texting when I asked. Her text quote "if I was good enough to sleep with......" Is the most damning piece of evidence I have. I know in my heart she is up to no good, she lies & is deceitful & if I confront her about ex even with it as bad as it looks she'll use the "I don't trust her" speech, gaslighting, I believe was the term used earlier.....well that's not going to happen again. Funny how people deny wrongdoing, even in the face of the most compelling evidence. That is why I just want to kick her out & not tell her why. I will not continue to live this way,even if that means starting D process without concrete evidence.
> 
> Also want to thank everyone for their support, is my first time on here & all of your responses are much appreciated & very helpful.


I realize that she's mostly texting up to this point. But if when you do confront her, saying that you KNOW that more is going on and you and you'll show her the proof once you file, this could very well change.

I believe that she'll want to talk to whom ever she contacts, while starting damage control. If she want's to get the "story" straight, she won't risk you contacting the phone company for the print outs...

I did the same thing to my ex. I told here I know what was going on and that I was going to the OMs house to talk to him about what they had done.

She was on the phone before I was out the driveway. She called him to warn that I was on my way and to "deny" any accusations I might make. I have a feeling that you'll get to hear enough to piece it together. He's her ex. They have a history. She'll probably tell him cover stories for any time(s) they may have met in the past.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Jt58 said:


> A quick summary of events, Been married for a year and a half, I work out of town about 5-6 months out of the year broken up into 2-3 month increments.
> I come home a couple weeks later, a week ahead of schedule I might add & find a text came through on her phone from a guy that says "am I gonna have to wait another ten years to see you again?" Searching previous texts I found that they were planning on going out dancing the following weekend & a BBQ with his kids. One of her replies said "if I'm good enough to sleep with then I should be good enough to me your family."


OP, read the above again. It's. . . for a married woman. . . outrageous. 


> I was furious, immediately confronted her & *she explained it away as just talk & nothing happened,* her argument was if she was up to something she could have easily erased the texts. This was the beginning of my distrust for her. I now realize & am ashamed to say that I rug swept this incident.


If she was up to something? *'if I'm good enough to sleep with etc?*' 


> Fast forward *one year *,we have new phone numbers & preparing to move out of state, am away at work & she tells me her girlfriend is throwing her a going away party, am uneasy about this but do not object. Couple weeks later I check phone records & find 270 texts & 4 calls to this same guy from reunion, in a six day span.


One year later? And she's still on it??? Only this time with someone from the past. 


> Further investigating has revealed texting relationships with at least two others. One for sure a man, the other still checking. Have hired PI to do some digging. Suspicious thing about the mans number is he was NOT in her contacts & the chat log was deleted. Also she started texting him the day I left for work & *there are a lot of texts between them,700-1000 per month. *The unconfirmed # had 2300 text exchanges in one month with some pics going back & forth. They both taper off to nearly nothing when I'm home.


I'm not even going to say much more OP, 1+ years into a marriage? 



> What I don't understand is our marriage is great when I'm home,no fights, great sex life & enjoy spending time together


Because you are her rock, she knows you love her and will put up with her antics so she is comfortable with that. When you are out of town she shops around and one day she may find a better rock. She is treating you like crap.

Sorry but I have one word for you. . . 

RUN. 

This is not a marriage in the way that 99% of us on the planet understand to be marriage. 

I'm just glad you have only endured 1+ years of this cruel behaviour by the woman who supposedly loves you. Many on here have gone through it much longer. Get out now. 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jt58 said:


> Will be home in aproxx. 2 weeks. Had short phone consultation with lawyer today. Did not ask him how long to file & serve papers, shouldn't take to long though.


IMO find a way to show up -- unannounced -- a couple of days earlier than originally planned. You might get all the evidence that you need.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm assuming her ex is not married, correct? Does she have kids from previous marriage?


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> I'm assuming her ex is not married, correct? Does she have kids from previous marriage?


Ex is not married but has long term girlfriend with kids together. Wife does have a daughter, from a relationship after her divorce from ex. Planning on talking to the girlfriend when I get home & show her texts records of them texting in excess of 5000 times in last few months. My hope is she'll be pretty pissed off, we'll see, you just never know how people will react. If she does'nt then I' m confronting him. This whole thing is going to be center stage very soon.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest confronting thru your lawyer....have him document all that is going on with names and numbers and especially the damning quote.

Then when she gets served all will be answered for her, and hopefully you will be out of town and don't have to be around all her bull crap excuses....

In fact i would talk to your lawyer and ask him the best way to divorce her and not have to talk or be around her.....

One thing is for sure she diserves as much openness about the up and coming divorce as she has been open about all her texting!!!

Wouldn't it be great to divorce a cheater with out even telling them....hell I would keep this secret until the day she is served.


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

Going to be home in about a week, stopping in my home state in for a few days to consult attorney. My plan is to hire lawyer, secure my funds & pay a visit to ex husband's girlfriend then go home & confront wife. She still continues to text ex. I had thought about waiting a bit to get a closer look at her phone to try to read texts but I don't want to have sex with her, I sure that would alert her that something is up if I refused to be with her after being away for 2 months. Am so ready to blow this thing wide open. I hope this is the right strategy, suggestions welcome & appreciated.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Your plan seems to me to be going all in the right direction. I agree with the guy too, keep her in the dark about everything you plan, serve her D papers at her work, give her nothing to engage with you on, she can figure it all out. And it will drive her crazy by not engaging with her AT ALL on this matter. And yes, expose the OM to his gf. 

Can you get home early to surprise her?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Wish we could make some popcorn and then have a front-row seat when you drop the bomb. Her reaction will be priceless I'm sure. :smthumbup:


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Jt58 said:


> Going to be home in about a week, stopping in my home state in for a few days to consult attorney. My plan is to hire lawyer, secure my funds & pay a visit to ex husband's girlfriend then go home & confront wife. She still continues to text ex. I had thought about waiting a bit to get a closer look at her phone to try to read texts but I don't want to have sex with her, I sure that would alert her that something is up if I refused to be with her after being away for 2 months. Am so ready to blow this thing wide open. I hope this is the right strategy, suggestions welcome & appreciated.


Just try to keep a level keel and be emotionless as possible during your confrontation. This will serve you much better than showing too much anger, or worse sorrow.

Some of the former and current BS's on here can get pretty worked up when a poster is leading up to a confrontation(myself included).

Many like to see a BS exact a big dose of revenge during a confrontation. Delivering it for maximum damage and effect. 

Loosing track of the fact that a confrontation is more about the BS taking a big first step, turning the page, on what will be the next chapter in their lives. Not just trying to get their WS to sprain their tear ducts.

You are doing very, very well OP. You're very decisive and not letting emotion hinder, or sway your decision making. I wish we could bottle some of that up and pass it on to some of the other BS's on here. It would put Red Bull out of business.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Good luck JT. I've been following your story. I hope it works out for you. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong and safe travels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yep, what GP stated, try to keep as calm as possible. Heck, if possible, write out a script of what you would say, including any rage and then whittle it down to the important finer points.

That way, if you feel the rage building, you can walk away since everything was stated quickly and efficiently.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Just try to keep a level keel and be emotionless as possible during your confrontation. This will serve you much better than showing too much anger, or worse sorrow.
> 
> Some of the former and current BS's on here can get pretty worked up when a poster is leading up to a confrontation(myself included).
> 
> ...


F*** yeah dude- excellent post. Exactly.


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## Jt58 (Mar 5, 2014)

Thanks all for the replies, I'm seeing now more than ever the importance of doing this the right way, staying calm & being indifferent is key. Will be employing the 180 list during that time. Will have to walk away when anger builds & she's baiting me into a verbal fight.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Be sure to get a voice activated recorder (VAR) or use an app on your phone to record ALL conversations you have with her once you get back. This way, when she calls the police with threats of "violence" from you (and she probably will) you will have the recordings to prove she is lying. VARs fit nicely into your pocket and will record for long periods of time.

Be sure to get a SONY, other models are junk and don't record as well. You can get a good one for 50-60 bucks. This will be the best $$ you have ever spent to protect yourself.

Without the recordings, it's your word against hers, and cops usually side with the poor, "helpless" female. :scratchhead: The last thing you need is to get arrested because she is lying. And we already know she is a liar.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Be sure to get a voice activated recorder (VAR) or use an app on your phone to record ALL conversations you have with her once you get back. This way, when she calls the police with threats of "violence" from you (and she probably will) you will have the recordings to prove she is lying. VARs fit nicely into your pocket and will record for long periods of time.
> 
> Be sure to get a SONY, other models are junk and don't record as well. You can get a good one for 50-60 bucks. This will be the best $$ you have ever spent to protect yourself.
> 
> Without the recordings, it's your word against hers, and cops usually side with the poor, "helpless" female. :scratchhead: The last thing you need is to get arrested because she is lying. And we already know she is a liar.


You can never be too carefull.:iagree:


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