# Infrequent sex with wife



## MarkB (Mar 28, 2011)

I'm trying to get an idea of whether or not this is a common problem and if I'm out of line to feel/respond this way. I'm interested in views from both women and men.

We're both fairly young, married < 10 years, fairly attractive. Sex is infrequent, a problem that is becoming worse. She enjoys sex, but only about once a month, no more no less. If I try for more (which is at least a few times a week), I'm almost always treated with a steady stream of "no's" and made to feel like a lousy greedy selfish person. It's gotten to the point where I now willingly sleep in another room, and it's not really worth trying. Communication is becoming poor as a result.

Maybe I'm old school, but my feeling is that husbands and wives shouldn't withhold sex from each other on a regular basis like this. They should take care of each other, even if they aren't always in the mood.

I checked ou the recent top 20 list and I don't see anything I could be doing wrong that really stands out, other than not paying her enough compliments on a regular basis. It's doubtful that plays a significant factor in my situation.


----------



## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

MarkB said:


> I'm trying to get an idea of whether or not this is a common problem and if I'm out of line to feel/respond this way. I'm interested in views from both women and men.
> 
> We're both fairly young, married < 10 years, fairly attractive. Sex is infrequent, a problem that is becoming worse. She enjoys sex, but only about once a month, no more no less. If I try for more (which is at least a few times a week), I'm almost always treated with a steady stream of "no's" and made to feel like a lousy greedy selfish person. It's gotten to the point where I now willingly sleep in another room, and it's not really worth trying. Communication is becoming poor as a result.
> 
> ...


Well my reason for not having frequent sex with my husband although I do have sex with him is that it always seems it's just a way to prime me enough for him to get where he wants to be.
I mean from they way he touches my breast to fondling me it doesn't seem as if it's for me. 
Do you take the time to really pleasure her for her?


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If you start giving her compliments she will tell you it is because you want sex. She will continue to reject you. She either wants to please you or she doesn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

Hang on dear brother.....the years of her being horney are coming! She'll want sex so much she'll be embarrassed! Men peak out @ like 23, women @ 43. I waited for my wife to change, it was worth the wait!! Filed for divorce last Mon.

Mouse


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

MarkB said:


> I'm trying to get an idea of whether or not this is a common problem and if I'm out of line to feel/respond this way. I'm interested in views from both women and men.
> 
> We're both fairly young, married < 10 years, fairly attractive. Sex is infrequent, a problem that is becoming worse. She enjoys sex, but only about once a month, no more no less. If I try for more (which is at least a few times a week), I'm almost always treated with a steady stream of "no's" and made to feel like a lousy greedy selfish person. It's gotten to the point where I now willingly sleep in another room, and it's not really worth trying. Communication is becoming poor as a result.
> 
> ...


So do you withhold affection? 

You don't compliment her?  

How much non sexual touching do you do?

Are you sure you don't do anything on the list? Why not just ask her?


----------



## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

You go to sit her down and explain how men work....

If she's happy then she should do her best to make you happy.

If she is not, then you must first make her happy.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

IF she is making you feel like a greedy selfish person when you are aksing for sex, this means she feels you are not meeting her emotional needs and is annoyed that she is expected to meet yours.

Do you have kids? What information has she ever given you regarding lack of sex or any other problems she has with you or her life.


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

MarkB....or maybe she just isn't interested in sex with you or with anyone more than once a month...

Maybe its HER problem...? If she WANTS to change it then its got to come from her but with YOUR help. You can't instigate it.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's a common problem and it's extremely detrimental to relationships. Guess I'm "old school", too, but I don't believe you can seriously love someone and knowingly, willingly, and deliberately cause them pain and frustration. If I didn't feed my kids even though I had the ability, nobody would call me a loving parent. Spouses who deliberately withhold sex from their partners are just plain abusive frauds. Either you're married or you're not. If you're married, you take care of your partner's sexual needs as far as you are able. If you aren't willing to do that, quit pretending to be married. Quit accepting the other benefits of marriage. 
It would be great if you both constantly felt horny for each other but it's not necessary. You both have responsibilities as husband and wife. Even when I don't feel hungry, my wife and kids still eat and it's my job to see they get fed. You have reasonable sexual needs. She agreed by saying "I do" to be the only person on this planet allowed to fulfill those needs. If she's not willing to be your wife, there are millions of women on earth eager to assume her role. Would it be acceptable to her for you to only go to work for 20 minutes a month?


----------



## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

I agree it sounds like you are not meeting her emotional needs.. But I would imagine you are not meeting them because she is not meeting your sexual needs.. This is exactly what happened to me..

You both are stuck..

You need to sit her down and tell her she needs to meet your needs and you will meet hers.. There is nothing selfish about it..

You have needs that need to be met.. And she must meet them, or else she will eventually be faced with a worse situation with you leaving and or cheating.. You need to tell her that..

That is what worked for me..


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

This is why men feel that they've been snared into marriage. "I Do" often means "Over my dead body".


----------



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Along with all the other very valid comments I want to add one idea.

It could be as simple as changing your approach to sex. I'm sure there is more going on, but changing your approach may get you more sex while you work on figuring out the rest.

*Asking for sex is seen as passive, weak and needy. It is a major turn off for most women

*Some men become too gentle of lovers over the course of their marriage. Most women want a firm touch, not always gentle, gentle rubbing and carressing.

*She needs to know and understand that the two of you are dangerously close to being in a sexless marriage. That is unhealthy and not filling your needs (or hers for that matter). There are plenty of books, articles and shows that explain this and she needs to be shown some. Dr. Oz can be a great reference because he is listened to by many women and talks about the importance of frequent sex for health (3x a week or more).
There are other articles and books that explain it from a mens needs POV...I found learning about it from a man perspective REALLY helpful. It helped me ditch the feeling that I was being used for sex. Now I understand my man needs to have sex with me to feel loved and close to me. She needs to get this.

Here are some things you can do that may get a better response for sex and in general:

*Jump on her while she is in bed and playfully maul her neck....the correct response from her would be enjoyment, giggling or something like that....take it all the way

*Look at her with a devilish grin and a twinkle in your eye and tell her to take her shirt off....the correct response from her would be compliance, a smile, a giggle....take it all the way

*When you are in the house together just start chasing her around and capture her.

*Get into a tickle/wrestle fight with her

*Sext her once in awhile...get her thinking about sex during the day. FLIRT, TEASE!!!

*Offer her a choice: Do you want top or bottom tonight? This is a better way to ask because it sets up the expectation that sex is a yes.

*If you are saying I love you first or often...STOP. Read about lowering the thermostat

*Consider the references in the Mr. Nice Guy Thread. Perhaps you need to set healthy boundaries and work on some self improvement.

*Try the 10 Second Kiss  from the MarriedManSexLife blog

*Touch her in ways that don't feel needy or like you are going to try to take it to sex. Kiss the back of her neck while she is standing at the kitchen counter. Squeeze her waist playfully.

*Think honestly about how often you and your wife really talk or have nice conversations together (without interruption). It may be lacking. Find a way to engage in conversation more often....especially hopes, plans and dreams.

She can sense your neediness. And you are in need and so it is understandable. Sadly, it is a turn off so if you can find a way to dial it back you could see dramatic improvement.

Changing your approach is critical, I think. However, if she is emotionally shut down she may balk at it anyway. If you try all the fun, playful suggestions and she never so much as cracks a smile you got bigger problems!


----------



## AltoSax4ever (Feb 23, 2011)

MarkB said:


> I'm trying to get an idea of whether or not this is a common problem and if I'm out of line to feel/respond this way. I'm interested in views from both women and men.
> 
> We're both fairly young, married < 10 years, fairly attractive. Sex is infrequent, a problem that is becoming worse. She enjoys sex, but only about once a month, no more no less. If I try for more (which is at least a few times a week), I'm almost always treated with a steady stream of "no's" and made to feel like a lousy greedy selfish person. It's gotten to the point where I now willingly sleep in another room, and it's not really worth trying. Communication is becoming poor as a result.
> 
> ...


This could be an entire website!!! It is the main topic of discussion and the biggest game people are playing here. Rather than trying to search for the cryptic answer, we should just get all of the "low libido" people on one side and all of the "high libido" people on the other side and continue on with the rest of our lives!!!


----------



## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Another thing to consider would be if she's on hormonal birth control (HBC). This can cause a severely decreased libido in some women--if she's on the pill, consider stopping it for a while to see if her sex drive resurfaces.

Other hormonal factors include thyroid conditions or being overweight/underweight. Does she exercise? Eat well? These are somewhat important, although I don't think they would be the main factors.


----------



## MarkB (Mar 28, 2011)

Thanks for the answers so far - as expected, a wide variety of responses. Let me address a few of them.

sexuallyfrustrated, pleasuring her is not a problem. As I said, she enjoys sex when we're actually into it. I just rarely get the chance.

lime, Being a mostly physical problem seems plausible on the surface. She's on birth control pills and also has thyroid problems. However, she doesn't even try. I suppose the male equivalent of a physical problem would be impotence, but if that happened to me, I would do everything to please her in other sexual ways. She has even less interest in that. But how hard is it to take care of your spouse if you're remotely motivated? Stopping the pill for awhile might a good idea, though, but I don't think the problems end there.

notaname, your suggestion sounds good, but doesn't work with us. Such things are interpreted as too aggressive, and I'm treated like a genuine criminal. I jump on her, chase her around or try to carry her off to bed and I get a steady stream of "no's" and occasionally "no means no!", something a lady might tell a date rapist. That's a big turn-off for me (I guess it works). Maybe it's a control thing with her. At any rate, she doesn't like it. Passive doesn't work either. If she doesn't want it, that's it. Interesting that she watches Dr. Oz, and we even saw him saying that sex opens up communication for a man. She was very close-minded to that idea. She hears only what she wants to hear.

Nonsexual touching doesn't result in any response. She doesn't much care for it, and if anything, finds it suspicious.

Tool, I like your suggestion, but we've had conversations along those lines. It works for awhile but then we're back to square one. Nothing really sinks in.

Syrum and Sam, I'm not a big compliment person. I'm fairly reserved with such things. That's who she married, though. I bust out compliments too frequently one might get suspicious because it's not genuine. Indeed, she is suspicious when I do such things, but that's also because she's tends to want to spin everything I do as negative. Example: I do most of the cooking - I have no problem with that as we both work. But she either doesn't like it (she's an exception as most people I know like my cooking) or she gets mad because it means she "has to clean up afterwards", which is only because she doesn't like how I do the dishes.


----------



## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

All right, I'm going to say something that may get me into a lot of trouble...

MarkB, knowing nothing about you other than this thread, I'd have to ask if she's ever been sexually abused in her past, because that's what this sounds like to me.

I know too many women who have some sort of sexual abuse in their history that effects them years and years later. I don't want to use the word "frigid," but both men and women who have gone through that and suppressed it, or maybe just can't talk about it, suddenly find themselves unable to handle sex. Even something as simple as nonsexual touching may make them uncomfortable because that was the kind of thing that their abuser slowly used against them. 

One question: you say that you've been married for less than ten years but only getting it once a month... has it always been like this, or has her drive dropped dramatically since you've been together?


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I just don't understand this. My best friend despises sex and she's married. She could go WEEKS without it and I'm thinking are you kidding me? In her case I don't think she ever really loved her husband (it was a shotgun wedding) and he's depressed (she refers to him as a "troll"). She keeps tally on how often they have sex thinking 2 times a week is more than enough. Ick.

I wish there was a way to get low drive and high drive people on their sides. It rarely works that way. High drives always seem to hook up with low drives.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

your obviously not meeting her "21 special needs"


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> your obviously not meeting her "21 special needs"


:rofl:


----------



## Pteradactyl (Apr 8, 2011)

MarkB said:


> I'm trying to get an idea of whether or not this is a common problem and if I'm out of line to feel/respond this way. I'm interested in views from both women and men.
> 
> We're both fairly young, married < 10 years, fairly attractive. Sex is infrequent, a problem that is becoming worse. She enjoys sex, but only about once a month, no more no less. If I try for more (which is at least a few times a week), I'm almost always treated with a steady stream of "no's" and made to feel like a lousy greedy selfish person. It's gotten to the point where I now willingly sleep in another room, and it's not really worth trying. Communication is becoming poor as a result.
> 
> ...


hello, 

I am new here and recently realized I was witholding sex from my husband. I think I was being selfish because I felt he was being selfish. 

I did a LOT of research and searching and realized that the reason my drive was taking a plunge was not becuase of my extreme exhaustion or the crazy amounts of things I do daily but because my needs were not being met sexually. 

Do you kiss her often, tease her and find out what she wants sexually? My husband and I have been together for a very long time and sex had turned into a kiss then a hand down my pants then he'd jump right to it. Might work for him but not doing much for the woman...

I found an article I had him read that helped us get the communication started (here it is if you would like to look at it): How to Make a Woman Orgasm (caution, swear words are in this article. pls don't read if you are offended by such things) Then I bought the book "I love female orgasms" (which we are reading together) and had a very long talk with my husband and within less than 2 weeks we have made MAJOR strides in our sex life. We are BOTH getting what we need out of it and i have noticed we haven't been this close in a very long time.


----------



## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

I agree with smackdown on the age thing. I think sometimes women under 40 tend to let life, kids, attitude, etc get in the way of sex, and often use sex as a controlling or punishment mechanism. Not to mention your younger years are your procreating years, and if you're not procreating then it's really not necessary. 
After 40 you are headed out of your procreating years, you're tired of drama and you have more self-confidence so you start to turn your focus inward, wanting sex just for the pleasure of it. 
I don't think it's a case of the man not doing something right or being good enough, trust me, if a woman wants it, she'll take it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Flying Dinosaur Lady

Why do you think you were selfish? Upon reflection, what were you gaining by denying your husband and yourself something crucial to the marriage? What were you being selfish about?


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

MarkB said:


> Syrum and Sam, I'm not a big compliment person. I'm fairly reserved with such things. That's who she married, though. I bust out compliments too frequently one might get suspicious because it's not genuine. Indeed, she is suspicious when I do such things, but that's also because she's tends to want to spin everything I do as negative. Example: I do most of the cooking - I have no problem with that as we both work. But she either doesn't like it (she's an exception as most people I know like my cooking) or she gets mad because it means she "has to clean up afterwards", which is only because she doesn't like how I do the dishes.


I know you havn't been around for a while, but you say you aren't a big compliment person? 
Well become one! but be sincere in what you are saying. If you can't find thing you love about your wife and what you find attractive in her then you have a huge problem. you also need to compliment and be encouraging in the bedroom. Women love this.
Secondly don't put up with her talking down to you, stand up for yourself (but be reasonable) so she will respect you.
and move back into the bedroom, women don't respect or find men attractive who do things like move out of the bedroom.


----------

