# Not sure what is next for me...



## Jess6 (Jul 5, 2011)

Firstly, I want to make it clear that I am writing this in order get some constructive feedback and utilize the comments like a sounding board. Thank you for reading and for your advice. Sorry it is long 

I am 26 years old, my husband is 28 years old, and we have been married for 5 years. The first 2 years were wonderful, and the last three have been stressful, and had their ups and downs. We have a three year old daughter, who is the absolute joy of both of us, and a miracle due to a brain tumor that caused only a 10% or less chance to conceive.

My in-laws are givers, in the sense of criticism, money, opinions, and anything else not useful. Their lack of relationships stems from their own relationship with each other. More or less a I sit and do what I want, and you work and cook my dinner type of attitudes. They are both controllers, and can dish it out, but cannot take it. My husband essentially raised himself, along with some help from neighboring men. He learned everything growing up from others besides his parents. Both his sister and himself refer to their parents by their first names, not by mom and dad, not because a lack of respect, but because this was encouraged through childhood. My in laws were excited at first regarding the news of their first grandchild, including the things they were going to do, etc. This fizzled shortly after our daughter was born. All they knew how to do was give money, and make me feel like I didn't know how to care for my baby. The thought of an actual relationship with her seemed too much, even though they only lived 15 minutes away. They expected to take her or watch her, but never spent more then 10-15 minutes with her, which the thought made me scared, nervous and quite frankly confused. This put a huge rut in my relationship with my husband. This is how he grew up, and this is how his parents were. Even though it was odd, and not the norm, he was biased as they were his parents. I always expected him to at least support how I felt, but it just made things worse. Shortly after our daughter had her first birthday, and his parents only saw our daughter a dozen times or so, I finally decided after long drawn out fights with my husband, and even the occasional comment to his mom and dad. I attempted on multiple occasions to make them feel welcome to come over and learn her schedule and get to know her, so that it would make us all feel more comfortable...these attempts failed. I finally was so hurt by the failed promises, and lack of interest in our child that I wrote them a letter...this letter spelled out my disappointment and that I would rather our daughter not have them be apart of her life, rather than have them be vacant and just throwing money at her. So, I put my foot down, and told them at this point, it would be best if they left her and I alone. Their son on the other hand was their son, and I had no control over the little amount of time they had with him. This was a great deal of stress off of my shoulders. Our marriage on the other hand was broken, and not sure if it could ever be mended.

I under went brain surgery in 2010, and swear I woke up changed, and wanting different things for myself. My husband and I have been more like roommates the last year than husband and wife. I love him and always will because he is the father of my child. I wanted another child, but my husband is against that. This has also made me seem to resent him. For the past year, I have been very independent, unlike in the past. I have gone back to school finishing up my Bachelor's Degree, and mentally preparing for what seems like the inevitable. I have also become great friends with a man that works at the same place as me. He is 30 years old, previously married and divorced. He is everything my husband is not. I hate to admit it, but I am having an emotional affair with him, and have been for about a year now. My husband knows about him, which seemed to bother him at first, but not recently. It is more like a joke to him, rather than a realization I could be wanting to get a divorce.

I feel like our marriage is beyond repair, the damage has been done, and that there is no turning back. I stay because of our daughter. I also like the idea of financial stability, but my main reason to stay is my daughter. Her father is amazing with her. 

Please write and ask if you need any clarification or answers to questions that could help you sort any of this out. I appreciate you reading and letting me use your comments as a sounding board. I am open to all you have to say. I am just not sure what my next move needs to be, I have had endless conversations with my husband, with no luck.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I am not really sure what the major issue with your husband is and you should clarify it some. 

The part about his parents I have a hard time taking your side. This is who they are. Although you can ask more from your husband, you will not ever change your in laws. Forcing them to agree to spending time is only going to lead to this. More than that its not a lifestyle you are ok with so why do you want them to spend time together. The parent situation smells of a controlling, my way or the highway approach. You didn't get it your way so you destroyed the relationship and told them off in a letter that they were wrong. 

I think although there are issues, the ones you wrote are largely created by you. It's telling that you said his parents are controllers but cannot take controlling.

Fix your current issues. Entering into another relationship with these issues will lead to a second failed relationship.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Put 2 and 2 together!
When did the OM come into the picture, and when did you and H start having problems. Answer 1 year ago!

Well lets just say the OM came into the picture b/c of a problematic marriage, at any rate your marriage will continue to deteriate b/c of the the OM.

Face it you are directing your problematic marriage towards the OM instead of your H so as a result the dynamic of the marriage is effected b/c the OM is more intune with your marriage then your H.

I would guess that if you told your H as much as you told the OM about the problems in the marriage it might have a chance.

I kinda think your H is.....well lets just say your H thinks he's OK with the EA, b/c there is less effort on his part to meet your emotional need.

I've been there and its all fine and good that your emotional needs are being met (less work for H) but when it turns to a PA well then your H will be kicking him self. 

This sound all to familar to me. Stop the affair and fix the marriage, get both your butts into counseling. I know...H has a part in this two, but your heading for a PA and H just doesn't get it.

Stop contacting the OM if you want the marriage. You will be surprised how the hard work will pay off, and yes it is hard, but you'll be even more suprised how hurt everyone will be if you take the easy way and continue the affiar even for your self.

This is making you happy now, but look at the long run when your daughter is much older.

Would I be correct in assuming that this EA is not what you really want? Wait until you sleep w/ OM you'll fell like a criminal, the quilt will eat you up.

You are both heading down a dangerous road.


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## Jess6 (Jul 5, 2011)

Thank you for your insight. The issues with my H are that he is okay with not communicating, not being intimate, working all the time, showing no interest in making our relationship better, and not putting in the effort needed to make a relationship continue to work... The issues in our marriage have been going on for the last 3 years, not the past year. I have spent the last 3 years trying to work on all aspects of our marriage, this including his family. The EA happened after being friends first. The OM only knows that my H and I are more like roommates, and that there has been a number of issues that have come in between us. He knows no specifics other than understands that I feel as if I have changed after my surgery.
The letter to my in laws was my last resort or attempting to speak to them directly and through my husband with no luck.


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