# Beyond Confused



## MamaJones (Jun 19, 2018)

I'm not really sure where to begin. I'm in need of some advice! I'll try to make this as short as possible. 
When I was 18 I had a baby with my at the time BF who I loved with all my heart! Turns out he wasn't ready to be a dad. I moved on and met a Guy online & we've been married for almost 14 years and have 8 children. I love my husband, truly I do! Over the last couple years my oldests bio dad has been back in the picture. My marriage is not in the best place as my husband has been having anger issues & has started to become very verbally abusive towards me. I feel very taken for granted. But the real problem lies in the fact that when I'm around my EX old feelings are starting to present themselves. I'm not sure what to do about this. Like I said I love my husband & o would never do anything to hurt him. But, my heart can't take it much more. I feel like my emotions are being torn in a million directions. I'll be the first to admit I do still have strong feelings for my EX. I JUST FEEL LIKE A MESS!!


----------



## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

If you feel anything towards this ex the right thing to do is to STARVE these feelings. Stop hanging with him, chatting on the phone, having contact with him. Starve these feelings by not having any further contact. If you give in and feed them and keep hanging out and talking with him they are apt to grow stronger and stronger. You are married, that is your priority. All your efforts should be towards lovingly, openly, honestly addressing any problems you two are facing now and working those out. Figuring out what is happening between you two, talking about it openly without accusing each other, getting outside help if needed is your priority. Have nothing more to do with this other guy. If the child is still young enough that you have to see him just pick up the kid and say bye and walk away.


----------



## MamaJones (Jun 19, 2018)

My daughter is almost 16! The problem is that our families have become very close. Our kids love hanging out when we get the chance. We live 9 hours away from each other so its not like we see each other everyday. Its usually months between. 
And to address the concern, I have attempted to try to set up counseling for my husband & I both together and seperate and be doesn't follow through.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

First, you need to seriously limit how much time you're spending with your oldest child's father. Don't have communications with him unless they relate directly to your child. Better yet, have your child and his/her father communicate directly with one another, bypassing you, as much as is practical. Don't call, chat, message this man unless it's about your child and it can't be communicated by the child. Also, don't spend time alone with this man. Don't have friendly conversations, don't visit, don't reminisce with him. And when your thoughts seem to linger on him, re-direct your thinking to your husband, your marriage, your children, pretty much anything else. You absolutely have the power to stop mooning over this man, all you need is the self-control and will-power to do it. 

Next, work on your marriage with your husband. See if he will agree to marriage counseling. If he won't, consider going yourself to see if there's anything you might be able to do as a solo effort that will improve things. Get copies of the books Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs, both by Willard Harley. Read them and consider if there are ways you can improve the marriage that might prompt your husband to join you in that effort. Also, you might benefit from learning more about healthy boundaries and how to create and enforce them for yourself. But, if he's adamant about not working on the marriage - and particularly if the verbal abuse continues or escalates - you may need to think about a separation or divorce. No one should live in a situation that's dangerous or damaging, either physically or to their mental and emotional health. And this isn't the example of what's normal and acceptable in a marriage that you really want your 8 children to take with them into adulthood, either.


----------



## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Well I guess I'll have to go against the popular opinion here, lol. I do understand that you love your husband and wouldn't want to hurt him, but if you're telling him of your concerns and reaching out for ways to work to fix those concerns with little or no care from him, then what are you really trying to fix? If you're telling your husband that your feelings and he's ignoring that or getting mad about it, then he doesn't seem to care to much about you or your marriage. In my situation I tried for years to work on my marriage, and all I got from my wife was a dismissive attitude, her further withdrawal, and her constant sense of how she can do no wrong. Now granted, upon other things over the years, I recently found out she's been having an affair and that's why we're divorcing, but I was coming close to divorce even before that because of the way she neglected me and our marriage.

Now I know that this is tough, but you really need to think long and hard about all this and ask yourself some serious questions.

1- Is your marriage really worth trying to save? Do you think there's a real chance to get the marriage back to the point you were both happy with each other?

2- If he does agree to work on things, will he do so honestly, or will he just go along with it to make you happy and stop your nagging about it?

3- Do you think that you will be happy in the long run?

These are some big questions, because in the long run none of this is about him or your marriage, it's about you. It should always be about you.


----------



## Raffi (Feb 9, 2018)

It is true that you need to think about what is going to work best for you in the long run. But you can't make an objective decision on that while you are entertaining feelings for your ex. If you want to do this right, I agree with those who said you should avoid contact with the ex. If you decide that you are unhappy in your marriage anyway, and he won't go to counseling, you may decide to break it off. But if you leave your marriage_ in order to be with the ex_, it will definitely not work out the way you want it to.


----------



## MamaJones (Jun 19, 2018)

The thing is I'm not looking to end my marriage, like I stated I love my husband. And I'm certainly not looking to do anything to jeapordize my Ex & his wife's marriage. I'm just very emotionally confused. Yes, I still have feelings for my EX, and I probably always will. But I find myself wanting to spend time with him. Maybe its because my husband has been so emotionally & verbally abusive that I 
just want to be around someone who cares. How do I deal with this when my husband doesn't want to do anything to change. He just continuisly beats me down.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It will only get worse.

Best of luck..


----------



## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

AtMyEnd said:


> Well I guess I'll have to go against the popular opinion here, lol. I do understand that you love your husband and wouldn't want to hurt him, but if you're telling him of your concerns and reaching out for ways to work to fix those concerns with little or no care from him, then what are you really trying to fix? If you're telling your husband that your feelings and he's ignoring that or getting mad about it, then he doesn't seem to care to much about you or your marriage. In my situation I tried for years to work on my marriage, and all I got from my wife was a dismissive attitude, her further withdrawal, and her constant sense of how she can do no wrong. Now granted, upon other things over the years, I recently found out she's been having an affair and that's why we're divorcing, but I was coming close to divorce even before that because of the way she neglected me and our marriage.
> 
> Now I know that this is tough, but you really need to think long and hard about all this and ask yourself some serious questions.
> 
> ...


Always good to to offer other perspectives. Much healthier than groupthink.


----------



## coquille (May 8, 2018)

MamaJones said:


> The thing is I'm not looking to end my marriage, like I stated I love my husband. And I'm certainly not looking to do anything to jeapordize my Ex & his wife's marriage. I'm just very emotionally confused. Yes, I still have feelings for my EX, and I probably always will. But I find myself wanting to spend time with him. *Maybe its because my husband has been so emotionally & verbally abusive that I
> just want to be around someone who cares.* How do I deal with this when my husband doesn't want to do anything to change. He just continuisly beats me down.


OP, you offer an accurate diagnosis of the emotional confusion you are experiencing. Because of your H's verbal abuse and emotional neglect, you are vulnerable as you long for somebody who cares. From personal experience, verbal abusers do not change; their abuse gets worse with time. As others suggested, keep distance from your ex, because you need to sort out your priorities right now, and you are too vulnerable to be around him. You think you still have feelings for him, but in fact it's the circumstances of your current life situation that makes you cling to a fantasy of him. He just reminds you of what your husband is lacking, and ultimately what you desperately need in your life that your husband is not giving you. 

You say you love your husband, but he has shown you no respect and no care with his neglect and verbal abuse. Even if he apologizes after every abusive episode, he will restart his abuse later, blames you for his anger issues, and so on. There is no way out. You need to ask yourself if you can preserve your dignity and sanity if you keep living with this man in the long run.

Once you decide that you need to stop being a victim of your H's abuse, and take your life in your hands, your crush on your ex will fade away.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

MamaJones said:


> The thing is I'm not looking to end my marriage, like I stated I love my husband. And I'm certainly not looking to do anything to jeapordize my Ex & his wife's marriage. I'm just very emotionally confused. Yes, I still have feelings for my EX, and I probably always will. But I find myself wanting to spend time with him. Maybe its because my husband has been so emotionally & verbally abusive that I
> just want to be around someone who cares. *How do I deal with this when my husband doesn't want to do anything to change. He just continuisly beats me down.*


You cannot change your husband. You cannot force him to change himself. The only person you have control over here, is you. You can accept that this is the way your life will be from here on out, you can attempt to create a change in the marital dynamic yourself, or you can leave. If you want to try and create change in the marriage, get a professional to help you learn to state and enforce your own boundaries. It may be possible that standing up to your husband in the right ways will be effective in getting him to want to change himself. If that's not successful, you will need to decide if you want to remain married to someone who treats you this way and isn't interested in treating you better. If that's not appealing, then you still have the option to separate and/or divorce.


----------



## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

MamaJones said:


> The thing is I'm not looking to end my marriage, like I stated I love my husband. And I'm certainly not looking to do anything to jeapordize my Ex & his wife's marriage. I'm just very emotionally confused. Yes, I still have feelings for my EX, and I probably always will. But I find myself wanting to spend time with him. *Maybe its because my husband has been so emotionally & verbally abusive that I
> just want to be around someone who cares. How do I deal with this when my husband doesn't want to do anything to change. He just continuisly beats me down*.


Right there, what I highlighted is why you seriously need to think about yourself. I understand love, my heart caused me to stay with my almost ex-wife for 2 years longer then I should have. Why would you want to stay with someone who's emotionally and verbally abusive? Why would you want to stay with someone who refuse to acknowledge or want to work on the problems you've told him about? Why would you want to stay with someone who continually beats you down? Maybe you should leave, not necessarily for good, but leave and she if you being gone has any effect on him. Maybe if you weren't around, and he really does care, then he will realize it and start making an effort. But please, from someone who's been there, don't stay with someone who clearly doesn't care about you or your feelings just because your heart says so. You're only hurting yourself.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm still trying to absorb the "I have 8 children" information.

You're a better woman than I.

Look up the astronomical child support amount for that many kids and let hubby know he can either pay $5,800.00 a month in child support, or clean his act up and get his nasty attitude in line.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm still trying to absorb the "I have 8 children" information.



Me too!


----------



## MamaJones (Jun 19, 2018)

Yes, its true ! I really do have 8 kids!! They are truly my world. Without them I can honestly say I'm not sure where I'd be! 

Today is a new day, and I'm just not feeling it. I'm so disconnected from everything that my head is spinning.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation with your current husband.

Can you tell us when your current husband started to be emotionally and verbally abusive to you?

Was he always like this and things got worse or did it 'start up out of no where?'

What is your current husband being emotionally and verbally abusive about?

Now you know that you do not have to put up with the emotional and verbal abuse of any sort so be sure to protect yourself.

Guess I am curious about the timing of your husband abusiveness and if it ties in with your feelings for your ex.

Good luck.


----------



## MamaJones (Jun 19, 2018)

@Noble1 , My husband has always had a temper problem. He allows himself to get so worked up over the littlest things & he loses control. I wouldn't say there is a direct correlation between the verbal abusive & my ex coming back into the picture. Do I think he is using it as leverage and as an excuse for his actions absolutely. I thing is I will always have feelings for my Ex, he did give me a Daughter. But lately my EX seems more concerned for me and my feelings and how I'm doing then my Husband does. And our Two families have become pretty close, the kids are inseparable. For the most part all the adults get along . 

The thing that's getting to me is I'm constantly thinking about my EX, there is so much I need & want to say. But I'm terrified of what will happen. 

This is about wanting to end marriage, or wanting to "be with" my EX. Its more about needing closure & answers.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@MamaJones, 

I've been in your shoes so I'm not going to judge or anything, but I am going to give you some wise suggestions, okay?

First, I would suggest that you remember that feelings can come and go pretty easily. Feelings change based on whether you are hungry, tired, lonely or it's a certain time of month--so just remind yourself that you may have "feelings" now and in a little little time they will wane or change! 

Second, I would suggest that rather than looking at "feelings" which are so fickle, that you look at yourself, your life, your values and morals, and think about the type of woman you WANT TO BE. If you base your choices on thoughts of the person you would like to be (or truly are in your heart), then those will be solid choices. 

Third, part of the reason you feel so weird and crazy is that the inside "who you truly are" and the outside "what is happening to you" or "how you are acting" are not in alignment with each other. There is a lack of harmony and thus you feel like you have a knot in your stomach. If you want to feel calmer and more peaceful, get the inside and the outside in a position of agreement. 

Fourth, I think part of the reason you have "feelings" for your ex is that you aren't getting what you need from your husband, and in fact he is hurting you deeply. Your ex is someone you don't hate and he's relatively "off limits" so in a way he is safe. However, he is an EX for a reason!! Maybe he has commitment issues. Maybe he is irresponsible. Whatever that reason is--he was gone when you needed him and didn't care that he dropped the ball. I'm not talking down about him necessarily but just reminding you that he's not all that and a cup of sugar. 

Fifth, the real issue at hand is not your ex. You know you just CAN NOT be the woman who cheats--I can tell from your posts that you feel something but committing adultery is not who you are. Trust me--you DO NOT want to go there!! So rather than spending the emotional energy fussing about your ex, please just go cold turkey 100%, and stop avoiding the real issue: your abusive husband. One way or another that is going to have to be addressed, and frankly my guess is that you do not want to face it. 

So gather up your courage, go 100% no contact with the ex and let him go entirely, pull up your Big Girl panties, and face what you are afraid of: the abuse going on in your marriage. 

What can I do to encourage you to take ONE STEP to let go of the ex and face the issues?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

MamaJones said:


> But lately my EX seems more concerned for me and my feelings and how I'm doing then my Husband does.


...and this is VERY dangerous. You are comparing the two men, and one you stood before God and witnesses and said "I promise to forsake all others and learn how to love him" and the other gave you a daughter and then left you high and dry! Your EX has no business knowing about your marriage or getting involved in "being concerned" about you or knowing about your feelings about your marriage--so the fact that you are letting him in means that you are already not forsaking all others. Now again, I'm not being judgmental but rather pointing out how easy it can be to let someone else into your heart and put your focus in the wrong direction. 



> And our Two families have become pretty close, the kids are inseparable. For the most part all the adults get along .


Since you are having marital trouble AND you are letting him be concerned for you and your feelings, you may want to consider a less close relationship for a while. This could become inappropriate "oh so easily" and using the kids as an excuse is not reasonable. The kids do have lives and other friends.



> The thing that's getting to me is I'm constantly thinking about my EX, there is so much I need & want to say. But I'm terrified of what will happen.
> 
> This is about wanting to end marriage, or wanting to "be with" my EX. Its more about needing closure & answers.


I raise the B.S. Flag on this one: :bsflag: and I don't mean I think you're outright lying, so don't misunderstand. Your EX left you and your daughter something like 16 years ago. Since then you've met and married, made a commitment , and had 7 additional children. You do not "need" closure or answers. You are using that as an excuse to continue contact with your EX. 

Look, even now you are thinking about your EX because here we are talking about him! If you are sincere, what I would very strongly recommend is that you discipline your mind. It's not like you "have to " think about him or keep the thought going. Yep on occasion a though may flash through your mind, but you choose to hold onto it and keep thinking. You could just as easily choose to say "I promised myself I'd stop thinking about him so I'm going to think about XYZ child instead right now" or "Oops--nope I don't want to thing about him so I'm thinking about Hubby and one of his good qualities right now". My point here is that you aren't a captive to your thoughts. You can change what you "think about."


----------



## MamaJones (Jun 19, 2018)

I guess I made a mistake in posting here. Especially when not all the story has been written about. Yes, my husband has temper & anger issues. Yes, he has said & done things to me that a man should never say or do to his wife. These things need to change, he is literally pushing me away , when I'm trying to help. I beg for him to talk to someone. I've asked him to either change and get help or we won't stay. And he chooses to walk out the door. He has called me every name in the book. But despite all of that , I did make a promise to love him & I do. And I am not going to get a divorce, that's not in the cards. 

On the EX front, we were teenagers.everyone makes mistakes and descions that they regret. My EX today is an amazing Friend, Father to his kids and a hardworking man. Yes, he cares about me, yes he is protective of me ( his wife told me). Yes, we spend time together. But the mist affection we have ever showed is a Hug!! I do Love him, and I always will. He gave me my beautiful daughter. 

In love my husband, he gave me 7 other AMAXING KIDS. 

I don't think cutting ties with my EX will change anything. And it will only hurt others involved. Know its not an excuse, maybe if you saw the bonds made between All the kids ( 18 total ) you would see it different. 

I'm sitting here, broken! Alone! With no one to talk to or confide in. Im drowning in emotions & when I posted on this forum about being beaten down & verbally abused I wasn't prepared for complete strangers to follow in my Husbands foot steps and beat me down some more.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You need to stop judging men on only their ability to knock you up.

You are very fertile and every man will go to bed with you so any man with an active sperm will be able to impregnate you. 

Raise your standards and expectations for behavior.

Stop being just a baby-producing machine for men who aren't worthy of being a partner and father.


----------

