# I need help to understand...



## confusedlove120 (Jun 17, 2015)

I am new on the forum and this is my first post but I come here with genuine intentions of understanding my W. We have been married for 18 years. So here is the scoop...

We have been playing an online Role Playing game for the last year and a half. When we both started to play the game we decided to do it together and that we would be each other's love interest in the game. We also promised each other that we would not play romantically with any other characters while playing the game. We also promised each other that we would not take anything from the inside of the game to the outside of the game. Everything was going great until around the beginning of this year when she started getting bored. She had aquired 2 more characters (we'll call them Ana & Teresa) during this time and they were beginning to come of age to play romantically and she wanted to start giving them life. At first, she began to flirt and play romantically with many characters via Ana & then Teresa. Most of which was just harmless point and click interactions. At the beginning of May (May 3) however, Teresa began to really get involved (in character mainly but with some Out of character chit chat/getting to know each other stuff).

At first, I pointed out that I was beginning to feel uncomfortable with the situation to which she made me feel as if I was crazy(May 5th). Next, the Role Played a very passionate kiss (May 9th) however I was unaware of the situation as these role play sessions were via private messaging in the game. I still however felt uncomfortable with the situation and continued to press her to discontinue. Each time she made me feel as if I was having crazy thoughts. She urged me to learn more about how to role play and told me I should role play with other women so that I could understand her. She pointed out that actors have real life sex in movies and they're husbands/wives have no problem with it. She then said that if I had a problem with it then I should just stop looking at her character.

Then on the 12 of May she Role Played a very erotic sexual scene with this other character where he described exactly what he was doing to her. Her response was not to tell him to stop but she told him that she wanted to have a crack at writing a beautiful sex scene. Her's was not as graphic but more romantic. I was still unaware of this but I was getting strong feelings of distrust at that point. I broke into her in game account and found 60 pages of messages written back and forth including the afore described messages within a 10 day period.

On the 14th, I confronted her about the situation, the same day I discovered the messages. I was livid but she apologized and explained that she did not have any feelings of a romantic nature for this guy and that it was more like writing a novel. 

We agreed to leave the game and finally did on the 27th May. During this time we argued back and forth and discussed the situation, during which time she told me that she respected this man and cared for his feelings. She is a very caring person and so I could understand that. But she continued to try and push the deadline back until I put my foot down. 

A few days later, I sat down on the bed and her lap top popped on so I decided to take a minute and look at her browsing history. What I found there astonished me. She had given this other play an web address to her blog and they had continued having conversations. He was attempting to convince her to come back to the game and she was chating away trying to handle the situation for a couple of days when I discovered his blog dedicated to her. It contained some in game and a few pieces of information like a voice recording of him reading a part of her blog and a few romantic songs which I am not sure if they were meant for my wife or her character. I confronted her again to which she accused me of not letting her handle the situation and not trusting her. 

At this point, the only part of this that she sees as wrong is the part where she tried to convince me to Role Play with other women (just not sex she said) and the part where she was covering it up. She says that she can't control what the other player writes and it isn't her fault that he wrote that stuff to her. (Which I concede is true, however, he asked if it was ok that he write that kind of stuff and she did not stop him but instead encouraged him.)

Am I crazy? Is this cheating? Is this normal behavior? 

Being married for so long maybe I missed something.. 

Looking for good contructive feed back that I can take back to her and we can read together.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First off...

:slap: :slap: :slap: 

Second, yes, it's cheating. It's called an emotional affair.


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## confusedlove120 (Jun 17, 2015)

She did say that she had no romantic feelings for this man and that what he wrote did not turn her on in anyway.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confusedlove120 said:


> She did say that she had no romantic feelings for this man and that what he wrote did not turn her on in anyway.


LOL. Bullsh*t.

Either draw your line in the sand or prepare yourself to come home one from work one afternoon to find her packing her bags for a completely-platonic-and-in-no-way-at-all-sexual visit w/ this guy.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If she was not cheating, why did she hide it from you?

How would she feel if you had an A like she did and a woman dedicated her site to you? 

Has she stopped all contact with this man?

And is she transparent with you on all her communications?

Do you have children and if yes, what ages?

Would she like everyone on the internet to know about her boyfriend?

So then have her tell her family and friends all about her wonderful lover.


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## confusedlove120 (Jun 17, 2015)

If she was not cheating, why did she hide it from you? She said that she was afraid of my reaction.

How would she feel if you had an A like she did and a woman dedicated her site to you? I will ask her.

Has she stopped all contact with this man? As far as I am aware yes.

And is she transparent with you on all her communications? yes and no. She told me that I can go through her phone at anytime(the place where she does most of the gaming stuff) However, in honesty I feel bad doing so as she has made a big deal about me not being able to trust her.

Do you have children and if yes, what ages? 3 children 2 teens one 8 year old.

Would she like everyone on the internet to know about her boyfriend? I hope not.

So then have her tell her family and friends all about her wonderful lover.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

When did you become OK with your wife dating other men?

Cheers,
V(13)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedlove120 (Jun 17, 2015)

I haven't.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

How about the both of you just quit the online role play garbage and start spending time with each other doing REAL world activities???

Might save your soon to be doomed marriage. It's not uncommon for walk away wives to pack up one day and fly across country to shack up with a guy they've never met in person.


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## confusedlove120 (Jun 17, 2015)

At this point we have both quit playing the game. 

And we are trying to fix things in Real Life. The damage has been done though. Which is why I am here to try and understand it better. I am trying to get other people's opinions to make sure that I am not missing something. 

Is there anyone out there that does not think this is cheating? If so feel free to chime in. 

She does not believe it was cheating and I believe her up to a point. I am trying to give her the benifit of the doubt. Would I ever want this to happen again? H$ll no!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

First of all she definitely cheated on you. It's called an emotional affair. Secondly, I mean SPEND TIME with your wife in real life. Take her on dates, give her flowers, put the moves on her, etc. Anything that doesn't involve a screen. She's yakking up some online loser because the romance is gone from your relationship. You got too comfortable. Doesn't excuse her actions but left unchecked it will ruin your marriage.


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## confusedlove120 (Jun 17, 2015)

Good plan. I am attempting to try and rebuild the romance. It is still a little difficult as we have been trying to restore trust.


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## confusedlove120 (Jun 17, 2015)

Since this happened she has brought up all of my previous problems. And is now trying to decide whether she wants to remain married to me or not. This is something that is very disappointing and distressing to me. But I am still attempting to win her back everyday while dealing with the aftermath of her decision.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Wow, your wife is pretty clever. She cheated and she is making you jump through hoops to win you back. Impressive.

I actually disagree with the advice to try to romance her back. I don't think it will work. I don't think she has a lot of respect for you right now, and you begging her for her attention isn't going to help that cause. 

You need to stand firm in the fact that she cheated on you. As long as she has excuses and doesn't admit that she was in the wrong, you run the real likelyhood that next time it will be more than just an online game. 

In the meantime, start taking care of yourself and making your self more desirable. Start working out, getting healthy, and doing things for you. Let her know that if she needs to leave then leave, but the only way you would consider working on the marriage is if she took responsibility for her actions.


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## confusedlove120 (Jun 17, 2015)

Wow. I think you are right. She has very little respect for me. I am going to take your advice and work more on myself.


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## confusedlove120 (Jun 17, 2015)

When she told me the first time that she isn't ashamed of what she did I confronted her and told her it isn't fair what she was doing. She disrespected me then as well.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

She is trying to control you with fear. Don't fall for it. She thinks she can up the stakes high enough that you will back off. What she doesn't realize is her actions have already raised it to that level where the relationship my not survive unless she takes clear remorseful actions.

Stand your ground and clearly define your boundaries, including that you must see genuine remorse for her cheating or your trust and respect for her cannot be restored. She does not get a free pass because of any offenses she has from the past. The two of you can talk about that as a separate conversations and try to reconcile them but not with respect to her cheating, lying and betrayal.

Good luck, this emotional affair must be very important to her to push your marriage to the brink like this, or she thinks you are a total doormat that will just fold like a cheap card table.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She is having an emotional affair with this guy whether he is virtual, online, in character, out of character.

She has crossed a line
Your WW is pulling in another man and creating a bond with him which should only be created with you
she is using him to fulfill a need which you may or may not be meeting

She must stop this activity immediately, if will get the divorce papers.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

confusedlove120 said:


> *She does not believe it was cheating* and I believe her up to a point. I am trying to give her the benifit of the doubt. Would I ever want this to happen again? H$ll no!


This is the first barrier you have to get past. She was cheating. That's why she hid from you and continued to lie about her new relationship

Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and read it together.

She doesn't not deserve the benefit of the doubt at this time. She is snowing you. This is typical behaviour from a cheater. As is bringing up your faults and mistakes from the distant past.

Stick to the present and the fact she had an affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife was grooming you -perhaps with tuition- to allow her to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This was/is definitely an emotional affair. She has to own that. If she won't, then your marriage is definitely in trouble.

You are reacting in a common way - you are internally panicked and afraid and you are responding intuitively based on your shock, dismay, and fear. This is all normal.

You need to get to the next stage, however, the stage where your indignation and pride tells you that you deserve better than this, and if she wants to bring things to a critical point, then so be it. You can file for divorce.

So, stiffen your spine and understand that you can't nice her back into the marriage. She has betrayed your marriage and yet she is the one in control. Reestablish some balance by standing up for yourself. Being strong will help you no matter what happens, in my opinion.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You don't have to win her back. Why would you want to? She is having an emotional affair. 
YES, having, so you need to go into investigation mode, to find out if she is still in contact.

We see these affairs all the time here, and she is running the the classic cheaters script on you.

You see, you being a logical, trusting person are already feeling in the wrong for invading her privacy, when your guts and common sense know this is wrong of her.
That's why the winning her back. NO NO NO !!!

Tell her you've gave it a lot of thought and you want a D for the lying, cheating, hiding things, attacking you, and just for disrespecting you in general.
Just tell her you no longer wants to be with someone who care so much for a role playing affair, but so little of you and 18 years of struggles to raise a family together.
So NO you don't trust her, and you don't want to be married to her.

Come on man, she told you she don't know if she wants to stay in the marriage.
Where does it end ??

You winning her backs will be no prize. Can you even imagine what she will put you thru throwing this in your face for years.

Pay attention !! SHE has to win you back.
I can't tell you how important it is to your marriage to stand your ground on this.
Her brain chemicals are really screwed up now, so it's up to you to pull your family thru this.

These next are basics so fake it till you make it.
1. Stop trying to win her back.
2. Do not let her make you move out of your home.
3. She go no contact with this slime.
4. She give access to all her accounts, and you OPENLY check them showing her she is not trusted.
5. Buy a VAR and keep it on you when around her.
6. Expose the affair to her and your family.
7. Start working the 180.

This is serious stuff man, so I hope you are paying attention.
Look at it this way. If it wasn't an affair how come it has pushed your marriage to the brink???

I'm sorry you have to be here, but the people here will see you thru this. Oh, check out the Standard Evidence Post.
Many here like you find out later it went way underground. Snapchat on phones, new games with chat. The ways are there, and you need to go deep undercover to ensure NC.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Stop talking to her about anything but kids and necessities....do not be negative or passive aggressive but STOP CHASING her and trying to nice her back.

She will notice you pulling away and it might wake her up to the fact that what she has done has actually threatened her M and family.

Personally, if I were you, if she asked me why I was being distant, I would flat out tell her that after her cheating, lack of remorse, and disrespect I was now evaluating if I wanted to stay M to her.

The BS should NEVER chase the WS...they are not a prize.

The WS is the one who should be moving heaven and earth to convince their BS not to kick them to the curb, as their cheating a** deserves.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

BlueWoman said:


> I actually disagree with the advice to try to romance her back. I don't think it will work. I don't think she has a lot of respect for you right now, and you begging her for her attention isn't going to help that cause.


Having boundaries and try to rekindle your relationship are mutually exclusive things...OP you are in the process of reconciling correct? She has broken off contact with the OM and quit the game right?

As long as a good faith effort is being made on her part to try to fix things then they need to learn to live in the here and now. You need to dispel the videogame fantasy land she's in to clear up the fog she's feeling. I'm not talking about winning her back. He can't compete with a fantasy anyway. He needs to show her REALITY to kill the illusion. 

Now if she's still horsing around with the OM then yeah hit her with the divorce papers fast to wake her up and be prepared to walk. You need to command respect first and that only happens with a ZERO tolerance policy on ANY form of cheating.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

The only difference between what she was/is doing, from your garden variety on-line cheating, is that their names are changed - and it's not to protect the innocent.

Of course it's cheating.


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