# Help to address of stonewalling from my daughter



## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

I am going through amicable dissolution of my 20-year marriage with my stbx (more details on my earlier post -- Is therapy during or after dissolution helpful?). We have 1 daughter who is going to be 18-years old in a few months. My daughter and I were interacting fine and even put up decorations on the house for the holidays. Just before new years eve, she has abruptly started stonewalling me. I can't recall what the issue could have been in the past few weeks. I try to interact with her each day (we live in the same house and see each other) but haven't had much luck. Most of the times she avoids me and quickly leaves common spaces (kitchen, living room, etc.) when I enter the area. 

Due to stonewalling, I am unable to figure out what I did wrong. My stbx is not helping because my daughter is interacting with my stbx well. I have also tried to reach out via my daughter's therapist but that has not been very fruitful. My daughter does not have a strong relationship with any family, including my stbx's own parents who live just 1/2 mile away from us; so no one else to help in this situation.

At the end of the day, I am very miserable as my daughter is the only family left; and even she is not even interacting with me anymore, during the toughest times of my life. So I am very sad, lost, and frustrated because I don't know what to do.

Any thoughts or suggestions on how I could break this impasse/stonewalling from my daughter is greatly appreciated.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Write her a letter, letting her know that she is important to you and you’d like to make things right between you and her, but in order to do so , you need to know what has offended or upset her. Let her know she can speak to you or she can write a letter back if that’s better for her.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

just a guess, but she does NOT want your husband to become your STBX husband.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> just a guess, but she does NOT want your husband to become your STBX husband.


The poster is a dad.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> Write her a letter, letting her know that she is important to you and you’d like to make things right between you and her, but in order to do so , you need to know what has offended or upset her. Let her know she can speak to you or she can write a letter back if that’s better for her.


Yes, that is a good idea. Thank you.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The poster is a dad.


Yes, the OP is the biological father and the stbx is biological mother.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> just a guess, but she does NOT want your husband to become your STBX husband.


Not sure I understand you fully -- would you please elaborate


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

I will apologize in advance if the following seems cold and insensitive.

Let your daughter go. You cannot hold on to her and it sounds as if she has been turned successfully against you by your former wife.

Let her go. Do not attempt to force or engineer conversation or interaction. Live your life as if she has passed on. Move on with your life and leave your daughter behind.

I have gone through something similar. I lost access to my child from a much earlier age. They had no memory of me and no contact per my ex wife's design. It was painful and difficult to let go but I had no other recourse at the time. Family court system has no interest in a father's needs or rights. They will not favor you either and yours is going to be an adult in a few short months. 

Your daughter may come to her senses in a few years and seek you out but I wouldn't hold my breath. 1 year ago I attempted to reach out to my child as they are in their early 20s. There was no interest in dialogue I was simply blocked. As a pessimist I expected such a reaction. I was disappointed but there was nothing left to grieve nothing more to let go. I did that 20 some years ago. 

Do your best to look after yourself as there is no one else family wise. I am not suggesting for you to be mean or cruel to your child. All you have to do is quietly withdraw any attempt at communication or interaction. She is already doing all of the work for you in this regard.

If at some point she comes to her sense great. Rebuild the relationship. If not do you really want to spend the remainder of your days grieving what is lost and unattainable?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

We don't know if anyone turned his daughter against him or not. I think a safer statement might be to say that perhaps she has decided to try to stay out from in the middle of the parents. And the most obvious thing is she is 18 years old and a lot of teenagers are just not that connected with their parents because it's an age when you're pulling away naturally anyway to become your own adult.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Surely you wife has some idea about what is going on. Have you asked her?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> We don't know if anyone turned his daughter against him or not. I think a safer statement might be to say that perhaps she has decided to try to stay out from in the middle of the parents. And the most obvious thing is she is 18 years old and a lot of teenagers are just not that connected with their parents because it's an age when you're pulling away naturally anyway to become your own adult.



"_*My daughter and I were interacting fine and even put up decorations on the house for the holidays.* *Just before new years eve, she has abruptly started stonewalling me.* I can't recall what the issue could have been in the past few weeks. I try to interact with her each day (we live in the same house and see each other) but haven't had much luck. Most of the times she avoids me and quickly leaves common spaces (kitchen, living room, etc.) when I enter the area.

Due to stonewalling, I am unable to figure out what I did wrong. *My stbx is not helping because my daughter is interacting with my stbx well.* I have also tried to reach out via my daughter's therapist but that has not been very fruitful._ "

Must be one of those strange and completely unrelated coincidences that occur in contentious divorces.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

marko polo said:


> "_*My daughter and I were interacting fine and even put up decorations on the house for the holidays.* *Just before new years eve, she has abruptly started stonewalling me.* I can't recall what the issue could have been in the past few weeks. I try to interact with her each day (we live in the same house and see each other) but haven't had much luck. Most of the times she avoids me and quickly leaves common spaces (kitchen, living room, etc.) when I enter the area.
> 
> Due to stonewalling, I am unable to figure out what I did wrong. *My stbx is not helping because my daughter is interacting with my stbx well.* I have also tried to reach out via my daughter's therapist but that has not been very fruitful._ "
> 
> Must be one of those strange and completely unrelated coincidences that occur in contentious divorces.


Just because the wife is still getting along with her may not have anything at all to do with why the daughter is being standoffish to him right now. Y'all are always so quick to blame the wife for everything. Don't you think an 18-year-old girl can see what's going on for herself and make up her own mind who she's mad at and who she's not if that's in fact what's going on? 
Hell I was able to do that at 12 years old.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just because the wife is still getting along with her may not have anything at all to do with why the daughter is being standoffish to him right now. Y'all are always so quick to blame the wife for everything. Don't you think an 18-year-old girl can see what's going on for herself and make up her own mind who she's mad at and who she's not if that's in fact what's going on?
> Hell I was able to do that at 12 years old.


You are free to draw your own conclusions. I have counselled that he should back off as there is nothing further to be gained by interaction. Unless of course you are advocating that he should force himself on his child and her life.

The daughter has indeed made a choice and for whatever abrupt reason wants nothing to do with her father. That is certainly her choice. I am advocating that he leave his daughter to her choice and whatever consequences may result. Unless of course you will now reverse yourself and argue he can't do that because she is only 18.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

marko polo said:


> Let your daughter go. You cannot hold on to her and it sounds as if she has been turned successfully against you by your former wife.


Well, as she is going to be 18 in July, I don't have much choice. We still will have to be in some contact as she needs my help to pay for her next 4-years of college. I am happy to help my daughter (well I have only one child and I am doing it mostly for myself than for her). So she will most likely keep in touch, at least for money. 

Maybe being away from my STBX at college may help the situation; but that was not the case with my son from my STBX's 1st marriage -- he ended up staying disconnected during & after college, not just from me, but from almost everyone in the family, except my STBX. That may very well be the case with my daughter as well -- she will just stay disconnected from everyone other than with her mom, i.e., my STBX.

I have come to the harsh realization (many weeks ago) about how well my STBX has managed to isolate my kids from everyone else, other than herself. I don't know if it is her special skill, if she planned it that way, or if it just worked that way -- but 2 kids, 12-years apart, same impact, makes me think about it. I find it sad because I think being disconnected from family continues to remain a loss to my children and not that much to my STBX.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Surely you wife has some idea about what is going on. Have you asked her?


Yes I have repeatedly asked my wife/stbx what the issue could be and if she could help remedy the situation -- but to no avail. My wife/stbx says she gently reminds my daughter to be civil (when I am not there), but she also said she is not going to interfere with the situation; I can see why because it is working in favor of my stbx. I am not sure if my wife/stbx thinks about longer term impact to the child.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

marko polo said:


> You are free to draw your own conclusions. I have counselled that he should back off as there is nothing further to be gained by interaction. Unless of course you are advocating that he should force himself on his child and her life.
> 
> The daughter has indeed made a choice and for whatever abrupt reason wants nothing to do with her father. That is certainly her choice. I am advocating that he leave his daughter to her choice and whatever consequences may result. Unless of course you will now reverse yourself and argue he can't do that because she is only 18.


You made two false presumptions in there about what I was going to say now. What made you think I implied
anything about forcing himself on his daughter?

I'm sure she knows exactly what's going on in that household, whatever it is. She lives there.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I suspect your STBXW may have tainted your reputation and image.

Do not believe your STBXW stating otherwise.

You sir, are now the bad guy.

Whose doing, broke up the marriage?

This is your wife's 2d divorce.
She is likely a real peach.
On second thought, not likely.

Girls, generally, side with one parent or the other.

She chose the other, not you.

Be kind to the child, time will heal this riff.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Girls, generally, side with one parent or the other.
> 
> She chose the other, not you.
> 
> Be kind to the child, time will heal this riff.


I do understand several reasons why my daughter is close to her mother and I am fine with it. That is why I am putting our $650k house in a trust so my wife and daughter can stay there. Of course, I am also going to support 50% of living and college expenses for my daughter (50%-50% with my stbx). Maybe that is why she has decided to pull away from me and not my stbx as they have to live together in the same house and I am not going to be there?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You made two false presumptions in there about what I was going to say now. What made you think I implied
> anything about forcing himself on his daughter?
> 
> I'm sure she knows exactly what's going on in that household, whatever it is. She lives there.


You have drawn your own erroneous conclusions. Do you have a point or are you merely triggered because my own opinion differs from your own and I am not rushing to his wife's defense?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just because the wife is still getting along with her may not have anything at all to do with why the daughter is being standoffish to him right now. Y'all are always so quick to blame the wife for everything. Don't you think an 18-year-old girl can see what's going on for herself and make up her own mind who she's mad at and who she's not if that's in fact what's going on?
> Hell I was able to do that at 12 years old.


Do YOU know how many parents turn the child against the other parent?

It's sometimes so bad, and so pervasive, that judges commonly put a clause against it in divorce judgments.

Sorry, but it's most often the woman who does that. 

Things were great mere weeks ago. Evidence totally points to the mother being involved in what's happening now.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

marko polo said:


> You have drawn your own erroneous conclusions. Do you have a point or are you merely triggered because my own opinion differs from your own and I am not rushing to his wife's defense?


I asked you a specific question because you made two statements inferring that I was going to react a certain way which there was no precedent for in my preceding posts and which I have not done. I feel you were trying to imply I said something that I didn't say so I would just tell anyone reading they might want to look over my posts and see if there was any basis for what you said in the prior posts.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Do YOU know how many parents turn the child against the other parent?
> 
> It's sometimes so bad, and so pervasive, that judges commonly put a clause against it in divorce judgments.
> 
> ...


That's some pretty wild presumptions you're making there. Why is it so hard for you to believe that an 18-year-old who is old enough to go off to college doesn't see and hear everything with her own ears and eyes that's going on in the household she's been in her whole life? I am speaking from real life experience. It was crystal clear to me what both of my parents' flaws were by the time I was 12. I don't know why you would presume it would be the woman when it could just be what she is witnessing during a tumultuous time. I'm sure she's seen enough to place blame firsthand if that's what she's even doing and not just being a teenager.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> I am going through amicable dissolution of my 20-year marriage with my stbx (more details on my earlier post -- Is therapy during or after dissolution helpful?). We have 1 daughter who is going to be 18-years old in a few months. My daughter and I were interacting fine and even put up decorations on the house for the holidays. Just before new years eve, she has abruptly started stonewalling me. I can't recall what the issue could have been in the past few weeks. I try to interact with her each day (we live in the same house and see each other) but haven't had much luck. Most of the times she avoids me and quickly leaves common spaces (kitchen, living room, etc.) when I enter the area.
> 
> Due to stonewalling, I am unable to figure out what I did wrong. My stbx is not helping because my daughter is interacting with my stbx well. I have also tried to reach out via my daughter's therapist but that has not been very fruitful. My daughter does not have a strong relationship with any family, including my stbx's own parents who live just 1/2 mile away from us; so no one else to help in this situation.
> 
> ...


Tell your daughter that when you move wherever you move you will keep a bedroom (or foldout couch) for her so that she can visit anytime she wants. That way she knows you're thinking about her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That's some pretty wild presumptions you're making there. Why is it so hard for you to believe that an 18-year-old who is old enough to go off to college doesn't see and hear everything with her own ears and eyes that's going on in the household she's been in her whole life? I am speaking from real life experience. It was crystal clear to me what both of my parents' flaws were by the time I was 12. I don't know why you would presume it would be the woman when it could just be what she is witnessing during a tumultuous time. I'm sure she's seen enough to place blame firsthand if that's what she's even doing and not just being a teenager.


Common sense?

I'd bet a lot of money it was the mother.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Common sense?
> 
> I'd bet a lot of money it was the mother.


It's your money.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I asked you a specific question because you made two statements inferring that I was going to react a certain way which there was no precedent for in my preceding posts and which I have not done. I feel you were trying to imply I said something that I didn't say so I would just tell anyone reading they might want to look over my posts and see if there was any basis for what you said in the prior posts.


I have no interest in you or your posts. I owe you no explanations anymore than you owe me.

As previously stated you are welcome to your own conclusions erroneous or otherwise. My original advice was for the benefit of the OP. You have rushed to the defense of the OPs wife and his daughter without any more concrete assertions than what has been provided by the OP. The very same ones I based my own observations on.

I will not agree with your opinion regardless of what tactic you attempt.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Common sense?
> 
> I'd bet a lot of money it was the mother.


🎰💲💲💲💲💰. True common sense and knowledge of selfish human nature. I had thought it might be absent from this thread. Thank you for proving this assumption false.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I too suspect your ex wife has something to do with this, especially after reading about her son from her first marriage as well. It could be she "innocently" told your daughter that she didn't want the divorce, you did. Or she could have really gone to town on you to your daughter.

Or it could be something you have unknowingly done to p your daughter off. You won't know until you ask her.

Either way, you need to address the lack of respect she's showing toward you. In my home, you better believe I'll be treated with basic respect or they can gtfo.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Tell your daughter that when you move wherever you move you will keep a bedroom (or foldout couch) for her so that she can visit anytime she wants. That way she knows you're thinking about her.


Yes, I am most definitely planning for that. In fact, I have been trying to reach out to my son (he is 30-years old and lives 1000 miles away in a different city) and daughter for ideas or thoughts to include them but with no luck. They basically don't want to deal with anything -- which I can understand as it is not a pleasant time for them and they don't need to deal with it; but unfortunate circumstances for me.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

frusdil said:


> Either way, you need to address the lack of respect she's showing toward you. In my home, you better believe I'll be treated with basic respect or they can gtfo.


That is the problem -- I have let the kids and wife run me over so many times when they were younger that it is too late for any "tough love". Thinking back, the issues started because my stbx had a 7-year old son from her 1st marriage and by the time we got married he was 11. So during those years she was making all of the key decisions for him which is right because we were not married or anything. But by that time by stbx's role as the "enabler" was set for my son. 

When my biological daughter was born, that culture continued -- sure, you can say I let it continue and I agree -- but at that time I did not know/understand that is what was happening -- that is, anytime there was a discipline issue she would side with kids while putting me down -- I would feel hurt and sulk away and not bring it back up (why would I rehash a hurtful situation and continue to come across as a pathetic, needy man) -- that cycle continued -- slowly but surely I was "informed" of decisions rather than included in them -- in the end, I have become the total outsider and all my daughter needs from me is my money.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Yes, I am most definitely planning for that. In fact, I have been trying to reach out to my son (he is 30-years old and lives 1000 miles away in a different city) and daughter for ideas or thoughts to include them but with no luck. They basically don't want to deal with anything -- which I can understand as it is not a pleasant time for them and they don't need to deal with it; but unfortunate circumstances for me.


I think you hit the nail on the head. They don't want to deal with this because this is between you and the wife. They both know you both and have an idea about whatever the situation is. They don't want to get in the middle of it. They may just be avoidant until the whole thing is kind of over and you're both settled just because of their comfort level and not wanting to get in the middle. It will all be all right in the end. Good luck.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> That is the problem -- I have let the kids and wife run me over so many times when they were younger that it is too late for any "tough love". Thinking back, the issues started because my stbx had a 7-year old son from her 1st marriage and by the time we got married he was 11. So during those years she was making all of the key decisions for him which is right because we were not married or anything. But by that time by stbx's role as the "enabler" was set for my son.
> 
> When my biological daughter was born, that culture continued -- sure, you can say I let it continue and I agree -- but at that time I did not know/understand that is what was happening -- that is, anytime there was a discipline issue she would side with kids while putting me down -- I would feel hurt and sulk away and not bring it back up (why would I rehash a hurtful situation and continue to come across as a pathetic, needy man) -- that cycle continued -- slowly but surely I was "informed" of decisions rather than included in them -- in the end, I have become the total outsider and all my daughter needs from me is my money.


It's never too late to teach people how to treat you. I'd be rethinking funding her college lifestyle entirely - why can't she get a job and student loans like everyone else?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Yes I have repeatedly asked my wife/stbx what the issue could be and if she could help remedy the situation -- but to no avail. My wife/stbx says she gently reminds my daughter to be civil (when I am not there), but she also said she is not going to interfere with the situation; I can see why because it is working in favor of my stbx. I am not sure if my wife/stbx thinks about longer term impact to the child.


This really sounds to me like someone (maybe your wife, maybe not) told your D something about you that may or may not be true that has affected the way she is thinking about you. Her change is too abrupt to me -- this isn't just "normal" child wanting more independence stuff.

Just flat out ask her why she is so pissed off at you? What is her problem?


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

frusdil said:


> It's never too late to teach people how to treat you. I'd be rethinking funding her college lifestyle entirely - why can't she get a job and student loans like everyone else?


This is an Indian/Asian thing -- we like to support our children until they finish college. My wife/stbx is not Indian but Ukrainian and she too has that mindset. So my stbx does not want our daughter to get student loans and wants to pay for my daughter's college just like we did for my stepson (from my stbx's 1st marriage). My stepson went to MIT (I helped him a lot with studies and he was a brilliant and hardworking student) and we paid for his college. My daughter is also a very high achieving student and wants to pursue genetics and biotech. We plan to pay for her college to make it fair and consistent with my stepson. I can always say I am not paying but that makes me feel guilty and I don't want that guilt -- if helped my stepson with college so why not my only biological child?


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Just flat out ask her why she is so pissed off at you? What is her problem?


Yes I have done that a few times -- I flat out asked her nicely why she is not interacting with me. I got no response. The 3rd or 4th time I just got frustrated and told her that "she is treating me like ****" and no response to that either.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Honestly, there isn't much you can do. She has been poisoned towards you for some reason.
You COULD try the tough love -- ok, if you don't want to answer, then I don't have to bother making you dinner, etc. type of thing, but she may in fact call you on this. And if she DOES, what have you really lost?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Does your wife work?

So you are going to be paying big bucks for your daughter's college education and she's not even talking to you? 

If you dislike someone so much you refuse to speak to them it's nasty to accept large sums of money from them.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I don't know why you are even asking, when you wouldn't do what everyone knows what needs to be done: to cut her off as long as she's treating you that way.

All you can do now is to put up, that's it.
Just FYI. You teach people how to treat you.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The poster is a dad.


not to derail this thread, but would it kill people to list in there "about" if they were man or woman?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> not to derail this thread, but would it kill people to list in there "about" if they were man or woman?


The OP's username is Indian Nerd Dad.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The OP's username is Indian Nerd Dad.


well, when you say it that way, it makes it sound obvious!


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> I am going through amicable dissolution of my 20-year marriage with my stbx (more details on my earlier post -- Is therapy during or after dissolution helpful?). We have 1 daughter who is going to be 18-years old in a few months. My daughter and I were interacting fine and even put up decorations on the house for the holidays. Just before new years eve, she has abruptly started stonewalling me. I can't recall what the issue could have been in the past few weeks. I try to interact with her each day (we live in the same house and see each other) but haven't had much luck. Most of the times she avoids me and quickly leaves common spaces (kitchen, living room, etc.) when I enter the area.
> 
> Due to stonewalling, I am unable to figure out what I did wrong. My stbx is not helping because my daughter is interacting with my stbx well. I have also tried to reach out via my daughter's therapist but that has not been very fruitful. My daughter does not have a strong relationship with any family, including my stbx's own parents who live just 1/2 mile away from us; so no one else to help in this situation.
> 
> ...


Let it go, tell her you will be there for her.
Call and meet up. She will take a side, but that will go away. Seek a counselor. Try to save your marriage


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