# Am I emotionally abusing my child?



## madimoff

This is harder to write than possibly anything and yet by writing I feel I'm halfway to admitting ... maybe I am behaving in an abusive manner to my (just) 11 year old. I parent singly half the time, the rest of the time his dad is with us and we struggle to get along partly because of the very fact of the separation, partly for longstanding relationship reasons. One of the main reasons I feel is he 'comes along and shifts the dynamic' and quite often actively undermines my discipline. Examples? Making fun of or complaining about my preference to take a firm line on table manners. Not supporting me when I attempt to discipline 11yo about cheeky or rude behaviour toward me. (I almost always try to step in and tell him to not be rude if he were to do it to dad, which he rarely does). 
Anyway back to the theme... I've found it increasinly difficult to retain any kind of control/discipline in the absence of his dad, not helped .. and I'm sure I'll be told this is a critical factor... by my considerable intake of self-medication aka alcohol. Not during the day, but a bottle of wine at night every night. So not always but more often than I'd like, when his behaviour isn't great and I've tried all the 'this is the consequence list, you know what will happen' kind of approaches, I start to lose hope and he knows it... and he's barging past me, making faces, making fun, riling about knowing dad's phone number etc... sometimes I lose it and shout and slam doors, have tussles over doors he's holding open or shut or whatever, and tonight was one of those nights. 
Partner gets to know about it not only from son (skype) but because I phone in desperation only to be told not to fncking skype and interrupt the football and his supper. .... 
emails ensue and he's now saying we should go to a child psychologist with a recording I made to demonstrate how he doesn't do what he's told ... only for partner to say it's 4min 40 seconds showing how OTT, repetitive and out of control I was telling him repeatedly to do x y and z (in fact those were my suggested words to take the place of what he said, which was that it was evidence that I was abusing our son). 
For anyone in any doubt, yes we are supposed to be a couple, we are supposed to be working on being together however being told I'm abusing our son doesn't fill me with confidence that that's what he has in mind long term. 
Anyone any thoughts?


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## Hope1964

So are you and your husband separated or not? This is very confusing.

I see a few issues
- your lack of a unified parenting front
- your alcohol intake
- your lack of a good relationship with your husband
- your sons behaviour

The child psychologist would help your son but wouldn't address the other problems.


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## madimoff

Hope1964 said:


> So are you and your husband separated or not? This is very confusing.
> 
> I see a few issues
> - your lack of a unified parenting front
> - your alcohol intake
> - your lack of a good relationship with your husband
> - your sons behaviour
> 
> The child psychologist would help your son but wouldn't address the other problems.


Thanks for commenting, and I agree it's confusing. Separated geographically and half the time, but supposedly remaining a couple and improving on our current set-up. 
In general I don't think my son's behaviour is too bad, but when he plays up with me (rarely does with dad) he usually involves dad's input somehow, even if it's only 'threatened' (by him, by implication). Not always, but enough of the time for it to be an additional complication. 
My alcohol intake - well yes that's no-one else's choice/decision/whatever but mine. Maybe it'll have to be zero, at least in the short/medium term. 
My partner sometimes says I don't back him up with parenting and occasionally I can see what he means but he rarely seems to see it the other way around.


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## FryFish

Your posting style is hard to follow...


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## madimoff

FryFish said:


> Your posting style is hard to follow...


I'm sorry. I'd be grateful for whatever feedback you could give on my original post and if you don't understand something, if you could tell me what rather than indicate the whole post needs in some way to be re-addressed; it's addressing my relationship with my son (and partner) I'm hoping to resolve. If my writing style needs altering too well I'll deal with that as we go :scratchhead:


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## Lyris

> emails ensue and he's now saying we should go to a child psychologist with a recording I made to demonstrate how he doesn't do what he's told ... only for partner to say it's 4min 40 seconds showing how OTT, repetitive and out of control I was telling him repeatedly to do x y and z (in fact those were my suggested words to take the place of what he said, which was that it was evidence that I was abusing our son).


I can't understand this bit at all. 'He' [your partner?] wanted you to make a recording, but then didn't like it? And your suggested words for what?

I would think generally emotional abuse would be name-calling, constant criticism, threatening harm, guilt-tripping, being emotionally manipulative.


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## EleGirl

You all need counseling.


You need to stop the drinking. It's making things worse.


You and/or your son calling your partner to mediate things when your partner is away is just nonsense. You have to handle your son by yourself when you are the adult in charge. 


I went through this with my step kids. Their father traveled a lot for work. So I tried calling him up to get help long distance. It back fired. He was not here to see what was really going on. So I stopped it. Then I told my step kids and my son that I'm the adult when he's gone and thus I rule when he's gone.


When your son or you call his dad for help, the message to the son is that you are not a real adult and you are not competent to parent him. Your rules don't count.

Your son's fighting with you by shoving doors, etc is not acceptable. Do not engage in these 'wars' with him. If he gets hurt you could be in trouble legally for child abuse. Instead do things like take away some of the things he likes.


You have serious things going on. Your son is 11 and is acting out very badly. His father is encouraging his acting out. You need to get all of you to family counseling. 


Does your son hit you or do things to physically hurt you?


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## nevergveup

Yes Ele Girl is right,you need to be fair and firm to your son.Hes not 
dumb and uses both of you parents against each other to manipulate you.Your son sees a pattern of how you both
don't handle diciplining him together as a team.

Children will act out bad behavior just in order to get attention
there not getting from both parents.This attention is better to
them then no attention.Your son has learned both of you 
parents buttons to push.

Think before you act,it is easy to be a bad parent,but frustrating
and trying to hold the course and be a good parent.
You need to stop drinking to clear your head.
Make sure you show daily sign of affection and tell your son
you love him.

He might act like he dosen't want it but he needs it.
It is very possible he fells he was an accident.
Both my children are in theres 20s and they still desire
hugs regularly.

Oh and you should never loose control around your son.
Do you want him to do this when hes older?
Your teaching him how to if you keep it this up.


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## Thewife

Like the rest of the posters I also feel the parenting partnership is absent and your drinking is making it worst. 

Your H and your relationship is one thing but you need to connect with your son, this is the age they are testing limits and feel the power to turn things their way if they don't feel love and positive attention. If I were you, I will have a heart to heart talk with him, apologize for any bad behaviour on my part and encourage him to do so (even if he doesn't do immediately we will be a good role model) reason with him why I had to do what I did (but this has to be in the best interest of him and family). Bring him somewhere he likes to go and buy his favourite food and then do this. 

Tell him that you love him often, give him gentle hugs as and when he is doing something nice (no matter how small), do not nag him on small matters (this will not help with the connection) but talk to him nicely when something really not nice happens and get him to reflect. 

I suggest you read up some parenting teens books to save yourself from more problems in the future. Parenting is a learning process and it doesn't come with a manual, we just need to learn from our mistakes and try to improve. You can do it because its worth every effort you put in. As for your H I dont know whats between the 2 of you but you really need to work on that too that is the main reason for the problem I feel but that shouldn't be an excuse for you work on your relationship with your son.


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## BFGuru

Stop drinking, go to your doctor for legitimate medication if you can't handle it.

Recognize, he is 11 and will naturally start pushing boundaries anyway. Add to the fact that he knows you can double play each other and you have a recipe for a mess. If his father cannot man up and support discipline tactics, I would look into sole custody with supervised visits at the most. It is not good for him to think he can get away with double playing you guys.


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## notperfectanymore

Your son does not respect you because he watches his father disrespect you and get away with it. 

Your son is aware of your bottle of wine per nite...please give that up for his sake. (I was raised by someone who did the same thing....every night....does not help with the respect thing, trust me.  )

Good luck to you and your family


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## Anon Pink

Yup, you and H have to present a unified front. So your first action is to come to agreement with him about what kinds of stuff he is willing to take a stand on and what kinds of stuff he isn't. You H is undermining you, but why? Does he feel like his physical absence makes him less of a parent to your son? Could that lead him to using this power play so he feels like he is the go to guy for your son? Does he avoid conflict in general? Does he want to always be the good guy? Are there some discipline issues he simply doesn't agree with? Are there some things you could let go of? Could you be creating challenges with you son, without realizing of course, in order to get your husband to be more of a presence in the home? Is it possible that you both are struggling with meeting your own needs and you both have inadvertently begun to use your son as the catalyst for bringing these issues to light?

Creating a unified front under the conditions you describe will take a lot of talking and open honest communication and it doesn't sound like your marriage is working very well right now.

I would suggest that you scale back on exactly what battles you take on with your son as you and your H get your marriage back to working order. I'm sure you've heard that you have to pick your battles wisely. Perhaps table manners can be ignored for a while. Homework is always a priority, but perhaps making his bed can be put on the back burner.

You need to take and honest look at your home life and find the ways your unhappiness with your H might be contributing to your deteriorating relationship with your son. It's not his fault that your marriage isn't going well. He has fallen into the pile of casualties of a bad marriage. It's up to YOU to take him out.

And yes, the message you send with your drinking is absolutely contributing to your sons behavior. When a child sees a parent out of control, even when it's just a passive mental checking out, they usually act up to force you back into control. Children need to be protected and when the custodial parent is drunk, they know they are not protected. To make matters worse, his father isn't present and when he is present, his father undermines you, thus making you appear even less of a person to be respected.

Your son is heading for serious troubled times. Age 10-11 is usually a very good year particularly for boys. Puberty hasn't yet begun so they are feeling like the masters of their little world. They are still emotionally connected to family and are not yet overly concerned with peer acceptance. 10-12 is like the calm before the storm of adolescence. That your son is storming now, indicates when puberty hits things will be a LOT more difficult. Get it under control now before you son becomes another statistic with drugs, gangs, violence, and educational failure.


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## Wiserforit

notperfectanymore said:


> Your son does not respect you because he watches his father disrespect you and get away with it.


Exactly.

Both the father and son need consequences enforced when you have been disrespected.

Some moms don't discipline their kids and convince themselves that they do - they warn them once, twice, three times, four times, start screaming, pull their hair out, and yet still nothing happens to the child except the thrill of seeing how much power they have over a full-grown adult.

There can't be warnings. No chances. Do what you are told, or face consequences. 

Stop drinking.


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## Fledgling

First of all you sound like you could use hugs.. so ***HUGS**

Now onto the big stuff. No you don't sound abusive. You sound at the end of your rope. You aren't making powerplays, you are trying to be accepted by both your husband and son. 

I, too, have a son who is not quite a teen. Nearly everything is a battle, from hygiene to chores he has acted very similarly to your son. Even though my husband is home my son knows how to "play us" as it were. That being said he can also be very loving and a great helper when the mood strikes him especially when other children are around.

It is true that you and your husband need to provide a united front. That seems difficult for you, due to the separation. So you have to lay down some none negotiables. In my house you may never say the words "I hate you" or "I wish you would die" or "you/that is stupid" or "I'm going to tell Dad" (or whomever he thinks will make you back off)etc etc. Breaking any of these rules is immediate grounding with no second chances. This has meant that my son will often try to negotiate with me, rather than intimidate me but it works. Absolutely zero form of physicality should be tolerated. He slams the door? It comes off the hinges (Yes I've done this. Yes, it worked!"). He lays hands angrily upon you? He is grounded from playing with his friends. He throws or breaks something you remove his prized possessions from him. I have done all these things in spite of my husband's ability to get on board. They are my non-negotiables that keep me sane.

Everything else really is negotiable alot of times depending on our moods. The worse mood we are in the less slack we are willing to give. I mean how many times have you gotten into an argument with your child over something relatively minor and wind up grounding him for two years straght because he can't stop himself from being insulting and rolling his eyes? LOL Don't let the minor things escalate. Spend lots of fun time with your son if you can. My son right now likes to be my hero. if I'm sick or injured or overwhelmed with life I don't try to hide it from him. I let him see that I need help and he will go out of his way to do it. (usually)

As to other ways to de-stress may I suggest a long hot bath after your son is in bed? There are many bath recipes that are said to help rid your body of toxins and help balance your hormones and can be repeated day after day.


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