# Husband has left me. So confused about whether I can turn this around



## keljoy76 (Feb 20, 2017)

Hi Everyone, 

I have never been on a forum but I just feel lost and alone. I don't want to go to my doctor to get a referral to speak with a Therapist but I do need to communicate my feelings and I am hoping that I can receive guidance and wisdom from others. 

My husband of 21 years has left our home. He has moved into a friends home and I am here with my two daughters. He has only been gone a week, but I have so much conflicting emotion that it is so raw and so hard to manage each day. I have had to take time off work some days as I am struggling so much to just be myself and be there for my children. Seeing him come to the house to see them is so painful and hard, but I want to make sure that they see their dad and he can see them whenever he needs.

He has said that he feels like there is this cancer that has infected every part of our life, our marriage and our happiness. That he needs to look after himself, so that he can look after our daughters and me. He said he still loves me and always will, but this thing has made it too much to bear. That it is stronger and influences him more every day than the love he feels for me.

I understand why he felt he had to leave, but it doesn't hurt any less to feel abandoned and no longer worthy of his love. That he had to leave to have space and to find himself hurts me so deeply. I know I have done things to create this situation, but I also know that I would do anything to get it back. 

I just feel scared and alone and pathetic, because I don't know if I'm holding onto something that I can never have again. I'm not ready to let go. I just don't know what to do?

For many years now we have struggled with disconnection and felt like we were drifting further apart. Like our marriage was hard work. I know that marriage is work. It is not some fairy tale thing in movies that people convince themselves exist. I know now that it requires conscious tending and love and nurturing and support to succeed. I know that I failed to do this throughout our marriage and this is why I am at this point in my life. I am not a great communicator. I cry easily. I was shy growing up and have this fear of failing people and being judged. My mum wasn't a talker and she compromised a lot, but she didn't have the extra stress of working full-time and trying to save for a home and trying to be everything for everyone all the time because society expects that from you. 

I have given so much of myself and now I am left with nothing but a broken heart and home that I don't know can be repaired.

We have pushed each other away time and time again. We had our children, both worked full-time, I lost my mother to cancer at the same time my husband started full time study, we move all the time due to his work and his desire to self-improve through his career. I have had to change jobs every 2-3 years not out of choice but requirement. His career changes, our grief and stressors lead him to develop an auto-immune illness that went undiagnosed for years. The side effects were depression and anger and it impacted on all of us in a negative way, and, only contributed to the degradation of our relationship further. I was afraid to say anything because I didn't want to upset him, but I let my frustration manifest itself in unproductive ways. 

When I was feeling stressed or angry or sad I would feel an increased need for control. I gained this through cleaning and having order in my home. It became such a negative influence on me and everyone around me that it just created a cycle of resentment. I felt like no-one cared about me and no-one helped me and they resented me for always obsessing about where things go and how things need to be kept. Because that is the only way I knew how to cope with the chaos. I punished him for 'making us move' and 'giving up my jobs and friends'. But I know that I made those choices and that wasn't his fault. I punished him because of my own negative feelings over feeling like our intimacy being replaced with his desire to better his life. That is how I felt anyway.

All of these stressors have caused an enormous erosion of our relationship and damaged our connection and intimacy over a long time. My husband is a great communicator, accept the last few years when he was sick (when he was dark and angry all the time). But I have always struggled with open communication. I have avoided these conversations, pretended that things have been okay and tried to continue to maintain normalcy. But I feel like this loss of control just manifested itself in other ways. 

We have both sought comfort in the friendship of others, who only served to validate our emotions in a negative way. Not constructive at all. We shared with others and not each other. I felt flattered by the flirtatious attention of men I barely knew, instead of seeking this from my husband. I have never been unfaithful, but there have been times when I have wondered what my a relationship would be like with another man. Someone who didn't have sexual dysfunction issues. 

This has been the main issue affecting our intimacy from the beginning of our marriage, but when we were young we had so much time for each other. It seemed less of a problem. I was also shy and didn't fully know my body and my needs. With self-awareness this has just made the situation worse over the years as I don't feel satisfied. I didn't want him to feel inadequate or set my expectations too high because I didn't want to be disappointed, so I just avoided intimacy. I didn't work with him to make it better. I always found something else to fill my life with, and it was just empty.

A few years ago when our intimacy was very low and I hated my job it felt like I was sleeping with a stranger in my bed. I wanted to be held, but at the same time I didn't want to be disappointed. It was so bad. My husband became friends with a woman at his work who was unhappy in her marriage. They started sending sexual based texts to each other, communicating what they wanted to do with each other. I found out as her husband saw them on her phone and told me. I never read them. I never wanted to see that and feel less than I already did. I forgave him, because in part I also blamed myself. In part it was my fault. We weren't giving each other what we truly needed from each other. 

For the next year we were closer, but he was also doing a highly stressful course and working 6 days a week. The stress on him was terrible and I did everything I could to manage everything else. When he finished the course, he ended up in a toxic egocentric work environment and we moved to a place none of us wanted to be. Our daughter struggled to find her place and friends at school and developed panic attacks. His stress and years of not looking after his health lead to the development of an auto-immune disease. Every day he would come home and complain about how much he hated his life, and I resented him for it because we gave up a lot to support him to get there. It all became so bad and unravelled and none of us could see past our own feelings to fix it.

He has now been through treatment in the last 2 years and getting his health back on track through strict clean, organic living and psychological treatment. Through this he has changed how he views everything. He has changed as a person and I am glad that he is feeling better and more mindful of his actions and life. But he is still lost and cannot move past these deep-rooted issues we are having, like he can't be happy ever if he stays and this cancer just keeps eating at him.

I want to feel better about my own mind and place in this world, but I want that to be with him on this journey. I want to be more open and share my feelings and physical needs with him. I want intimacy and connection. I want to spend time together and not live my life in a fake world and social media for human connection. There is no connection at all. It is all superficial.

I don't want to talk about future living arrangements and co-parenting of our children and income support, because it is easier to cut something away than work on fixing it. I know that he doesn't want to cause himself and anyone else any more pain, but this is causing pain that will never leave my heart.

I guess I just want to know if I should give him the space, so that maybe he might see in time that our family is a wonderful thing. Will he recognise that we can learn and grow and support each other. Will he give me that opportunity or am I deluding myself. Is it too much to ask him to live apart, but live here? I want to be able to re-connect and not in a physical sense, but I don't feel like you can do that when someone is living in another home. Or, is it better to be apart and communicate our feelings via phone and email. So we don't hurt each other with our raw emotion. Then he could move back in without a full relationship when we've had some space.

I know this is a lot of information but I would really love to hear from people and how someone outside of this might see it. I am so close to it that it is hard to be impartial.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You found a good place. I am a guy and I too am a cleaner and organizer when stressed. 

Think long before you answer this because I too was lost at about the same age as your husband. 

Is there ANY chance he is putting attention on another woman?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

So much of this starts with your happiness and looking within yourself with love and respect. It won't be a matter of him giving you the opportunity, it will come down to if you both take it by your own choice if presented, and if so, you have prepared yourselves with the best tools to act on that opening.

Worrying about it will not help you with tomorrow... all it does is take away the strength when that strength is needed for the present... strength you need. 

I'm in your corner... an incredible believer in change. I know the power and healing it can bring, but chances are you will both be in different areas as it comes and that will require patience from at least one of you, and the one who desires it most often struggles with that one very essential discipline.

Patience and calm.

Worry will immobilize you if you are not careful... too many unmindful "what if's" that get in the way of the good "hope" and become fear. You may be scared, as for your marriage you might be temporarily alone, but you most assuredly are not pathetic because in your few words here you have hope, and that is a seed for transformation.

We should never underestimate our ability to cope and recover from the struggles we find ourselves in... 

One cannot tell another "Look, I have a safe environment for you so you can enter now" and expect to be believed if hurt has been present before. What happens is one has to live a safe environment, openly and honestly, with actions accompanying every word spoken because trust me, they will be measured and measured again when they are noticed.

Together is better... how can you make it a safe environment for you both?

How will he observe and learn to accept it himself that a safe environment exists?

Counseling should not be discounted, think of it as a school of great tools that you rent with an option to buy. Not every tool is the right tool for the job, but counselors have a responsibility of working through the use of them, putting them in your hands so you can repair/replace/adjust the misalignment and stay focused on the right path and heal together.

Would you be willing to go together?


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## keljoy76 (Feb 20, 2017)

No blueinbr, he is being very honest in all of this and I have asked him if there is anyone else. He said it is about this thing that is getting in the way of his/our happiness that never goes away. It is not because he doesn't love me. Its because he feels that we are making each other unhappy and he is tired of feeling unhappy and seeing me unhappy. He said he needs to take care of himself and he wants me to be happy. Its not because he has feelings for anyone else. He is confused in his own feelings.


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## keljoy76 (Feb 20, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> So much of this starts with your happiness and looking within yourself with love and respect. It won't be a matter of him giving you the opportunity, it will come down to if you both take it by your own choice if presented, and if so, you have prepared yourselves with the best tools to act on that opening.
> 
> Worrying about it will not help you with tomorrow... all it does is take away the strength when that strength is needed for the present... strength you need.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Your words mean a lot. I do have hope and I would be willing to speak to a counsellor. I just don't know where I stand with him and if he would be open to it. I will propose it and I will try to stop worrying and give him space to decide. It is all that I can do.

I feel like I have no power in this. But I suppose I do have power over my own feelings and emotions and how I conduct myself and better myself each day.

I have been watching TED talks and reading and finding comfort in the thoughts and ideas of others, as a means to bring about more self-awareness and to re-inforce that I am in the correct mindset regarding the link between happiness and human connection. I strongly believe that I have to move forward with intent and try to re-establish that connection through supporting him and trying to be a loving friend and support. I hope that in time that connection and love will remind him of how things used to be, and that we can move forward into intimacy together in time.

I will try not to rush this. I don't want to make that mistake. We need to heal properly before we can resume a true and loving marriage. It is just hard to know that he loves me but that he can't be here for his own happiness.

Thank you for listening and your support.


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## keljoy76 (Feb 20, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> You found a good place. I am a guy and I too am a cleaner and organizer when stressed.
> 
> Think long before you answer this because I too was lost at about the same age as your husband.
> 
> Is there ANY chance he is putting attention on another woman?


Did you stop/lessen your behaviour when you lessened your stress? I give to people by doing things for them. That's how I show love in one way, by making their life comfortable but also to teach them that it is the right thing to do in life. You should give your time in the interest of others, try and make their lives comfortable, teach them respect for the things they have been given by those who worked hard to do so and so that they learn discipline moving forward into adulthood.

I do need to learn that not everyone has the same standards as me and that if they help and its half-arsed I should appreciate the attempt. I also need to learn that other people have different ways of giving to me. 

I just feel like I am always giving and that their isn't fairness in our home a lot of the time. Especially by my children in reciprocating their support of me. I get tired of asking for help all the time, or to simply make a bed. I want things to be equitable. Is that unfair of me to ask of everyone? I know they are teenagers and most parents are suffering through this. They are smart and beautiful, but they can be very selfish and lazy. I just want them to not exhibit these behaviours on a daily basis. 

When you were 'lost' did you find yourself? Were you in a relationship at the time? Did it affect your partner or did you find yourself with another woman? It is nice to be able to talk to a man about this from his perspective. You are from Mars and I am from Venus  Sometimes its hard to understand.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

keljoy76 said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I have never been on a forum but I just feel lost and alone. I don't want to go to my doctor to get a referral to speak with a Therapist but I do need to communicate my feelings and I am hoping that I can receive guidance and wisdom from others.
> 
> ...


I'm really sorry you're going through this, but as others have stated, this is a great place for support.

What were his terms? Did he give any? You wrote that he said he still loves you but did he give any timeframe for how long he'll need to look after himself?

Is there a particular reason you don't want to see a therapist? From your post it's clear that you're carrying around a lot of resentment from when you two were together and now a lot of sadness, grief, anger etc. over the fact that he's left. This board is great, but a therapist will be able to help you unpack those feelings in real time, see your body language, tone in your voice and work with you to find solutions. In a basic sense, it's just nice to have someone to talk to about everything. While I'm so thankful for this site, it's no substitute for real human interaction as you yourself pointed out when referring to the fakeness of social media. Not saying this site isn't genuine, but it's a far safer and less emotionally charged medium than your actual life.

It's obviously not a good sign that you both were seeking the comfort of others during your relationship. A close friendship with someone is one thing, but sexting, flirting and all that is definitely a different animal. As Blue asked, are you absolutely sure there isn't another woman? I saw what you wrote about what he said, but it's almost 100% guaranteed that he's not going to be truthful with you about an affair right now if he's started one. If you share a phone plan, I'd say check the records for suspicious calls.

Another possibility is that his health has taken a turn for the worse and he's dealing with that and couldn't handle telling you at this time. Or yet another is a mid-life crisis.

It's only been a week so this is really raw. Just try to take it one day at a time and focus on how you can improve yourself and your happiness. That's going to be almost impossible for a while, but the quicker you start shifting gears to that mode the better off you'll be regardless of what happens with your husband.

Hope tomorrow is better than today.


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## keljoy76 (Feb 20, 2017)

golfpanther said:


> I'm really sorry you're going through this, but as others have stated, this is a great place for support.
> 
> What were his terms? Did he give any? You wrote that he said he still loves you but did he give any timeframe for how long he'll need to look after himself?
> 
> ...


Thank you. I appreciate your outlook on this. I guess we both harbour some resentment and we both need to speak to someone. Whether that is together or independantly. I know that he isn't being unfaithful. I trust that he is being honest with me. He is being honest about everything else and I wouldn't show him the disrespect of checking his phone. If he gave me cause to think otherwise then I would for peace of mind, but I have cause to at this point. I have always been flattered that someone was flirting with me, but it wasn't reciprocated on my part. It just felt nice to be noticed by someone I guess. 

I think we are just desperate to make it better and he felt that this was his last option. His health is stable and his work is the same stressful environment it is every day. I guess he just reached his limit and made that decision to protect himself and his future happiness.

I would have preferred a discussion regarding counselling but maybe space and perspective is needed first. I will talk to him and see if he is willing to, otherwise I will leave things as they are for a little while before I start making long term decisions that I can't undo. 

At the moment we really don't have a lot of terms. He just knows he's unhappy and isn't sure where his future may lie. Just that he wants to make sure we are safe and secure and taken care of no matter what happens.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Keljoy,
Sorry you find yourself in this place. May I ask how old you are? How old are you kids

A few things

1. You seem to blame yourself for the place you find your marriage, I believe you have sacrificed alot for your family, your H's career and your kids and are now questioning all of that. This is quite normal when you hit around the 40s (I have been there).

2. You guys may not have been getting on well but it take two to tango and for your H to just walk away sounds a little suspicious, men rarely leave their families unless someone is lined up in the wings (same applies to wives too). I would do some digging. You said tht you had flirtations, he has also crossed boundaries and if you were not being intimate it is likely he went much further.


3 Do the 180 on him and go see a counselor for yourself, to sort through your own issues, you cannot change your H. Depending on your age you may have menopausal issues too that a specialist doctor can help you with (hormones).

4. Do not engage with him, tell him if he wants to meet your kids it will have to be in his current place or somewhere else, do not make it so easy for him to waltz in and out of your life. Tell him if you are to move on you too need your space and not to see him at all.

5. You have to be ready to lose this marriage and him, crying, begging, pleading, allowing him to come and go as he pleases will not help this marriage or you.

6. Go see a lawyer, he walked out remember that. See what your options are. Is he still supporting the family and household? 
Who exactly is he living with? are they married, single, etc, his friends, your friends,?

7. You should also tell your family and friends what is happening, have siblings or friends to support you at this time, as you will need the support.

No doubt you may well have contributed to the problems in the marriage, but he left, now it is time to get your own house in order and work on you. In time if the doors are still open he may want MC


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## keljoy76 (Feb 20, 2017)

aine said:


> Keljoy,
> Sorry you find yourself in this place. May I ask how old you are? How old are you kids
> 
> A few things
> ...


Hi Aine,

Thank you for your comments. You are right. I do blame myself and and it does take two people. I am just trying to accept my side in all of this so that I know that I have recognised the things that I can control and change. They are mine to carry and mine to own and work through. I am looking to see a counsellor as I have struggled with depression on and off over the years. We have a family history and I am aware that every time something tumultuous happens I get worse and I need to manage my own condition and happiness. I really do think I am having some peri-menopausal issues and I have an appointment to discuss this with her in the next week. I am going to start placing more of a priority on my own health and wellbeing, so my children know that I care about myself and that I am doing okay (as best as I can anyway).

I do have a couple of family members and friends that I have shared this with. I'm just not ready to tell my dad and brother and everyone I know yet, as I am so unsure about all of this and whether things may change. I don't want to burden them with this and cause them worry. I think its better if I speak to someone impartial and manage it without family interference at this stage. I know that they would help me when I am ready to move forward, if this all ends and I'm sure about the decision.

You are right about the coming and going as he pleases and me being so accommodating. I have been doing this so my children have as much access to their dad as they can but I have asked him today to not be at the house when I am here as I am hurt and seeing him makes it worse. He has been finishing work early and collecting the kids from school and spending an hour with them each day and then has them on the weekend, but whilst he is living in another home this isn't his home anymore and I need him to stick to this schedule and not expect more of me at this stage.

Today was a better day. I went back to work today and I am working hard to set a better routine for my children and having firm boundaries and expectations, so they know where they stand. I want them to have stability and maintain this routine to make things feel as stable and normal as possible in the circumstances. We will all have bad days but I want to try and keep a routine so that it maintains a good sleep routine and assists them in managing their emotions. We have all been sleeping poorly with worry. Last night the kids moved into my room and we are camping out. It is comforting for them and me.

I am really proud of them and how they handle themselves. They are thoughtful, caring and supportive young ladies. I am 40, to answer your first question.

My husband is also a good dad. Whilst I don't agree with his decision I do believe that he is a good person. I don't want to be the person who spys on another and stoops to that level. If he has met someone or formed a connection with another woman then that is also his choice and I cannot influence that in any way. 

I will continue to take my time with this and look after myself. If he wishes to try to reconcile the relationship then it will be a gradual thing. I refuse to rush back into anything. We need to re-discover our connection and work towards a better relationship and this will take time.


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