# He keeps upping the ante



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

So I've been doing my 180 from nagging to nice. Everything has been going along well. I've been patient, kind, and understanding and we've gotten really close because of it in a really short amount of time. 

Then came Friday. He drops me off at work and tells me that we are going to have a great night of playing board games and hanging out. I look forward to it all day. Then about an half an hour before work ends, he calls and says he's going to be late and gives a rather cryptic excuse as to why. I take a deep breathe and don't ask any more questions.

He said he'd come and get me at 6, but shows up after 6:30. Not only that, but he has one of his friends in the car that he has to drop off before we go home. Now I'm getting more and more frustrated but I maintain my composure in front of his friend as I don't want to embarass him or myself.

After he drops his friend off, he says he has to go out with his sister after he takes me home. Now I am furious, but I remain calm. I remind him that he said we were going to have a fun evening and I was looking forward to it. He says he knows and it won't take long.

So he leaves with his sister and tells me he'll be back in a couple of hours. He doesn't return until 4am! Apparently he went with his sister to their cousin's house and was drinking and hanging. Not once did he call me to tell me he'd be late or that he was okay. He was totally inconsiderate.

It's like he's trying to see where the limit is to my forgiveness. He keeps doing things he would always do and I keep being understanding. Now he takes it up a notch and then another and then another so he can just see how far he can go to break me and make me revert to being a biatch. We both know that's not who he wants me to be so why is he pushing me to go there?

Could it be because my changing is forcing him to change as well? Could he just wants to stay stuck in the marriage rut because it's comfortable and much less work than changing himself? 

Anyone who is doing a 180, be prepared to be faced with a test of wills at the very moment you think things are better. It's like getting on the scale and seeing +3lbs even after a week of eating salad and working out every day. You have to keep going because the next week you'll lose 6lbs, but at that moment you get discouraged and want to quit. 

I'm going to consider Friday night a minor setback and keep being sweet but it knocked the wind out of my sails.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Wow.
He went from "quiet night with board games" to out till 4 am with no warning??
Did he call you at all? 

That's weird and inconsiderate and disrespectful of your time. I don't have any advice for you, because it sounds like you're trying to change a dynamic.
But that just sounds out of character based on what you've described...

Were you home with your kids so you couldn't join him?
Sounds fishy. Hopefully someone else can give you advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Wow.
> He went from "quiet night with board games" to out till 4 am with no warning??
> Did he call you at all?
> 
> ...


No, he didn't call me at all. I was home with the kids. I thought he was coming right back like within a couple of hours.

When he came home he was crazy remorseful. I didn't say anything. I was really disappointed because we were doing so well prior to this. I have no idea why he would be so inconsiderate especially now except for thinking that he subconsciously wants to sabotage our progress.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

You're not doing yourself any favors. You need to be somewhere in the middle of your former ***** attitude and your current push-over attitude. Don't fool yourself into thinking he's impressed because you've ignored the situation. He _is_ testing you and he'll take it as far as you allow. 

It is unacceptable for your H to be out until 4am when he was supposed to be with you. Don't ignore that it happened. You don't have to be a ***** when you approach him, but something certainly needs to be said. An agreement to call if either of you are going to be xx minutes late should be discussed at minimum.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Oh boy. I don't like this story.

First of all, "change" doesn't automatically mean "nice". You can stop nagging, but you may need to be a little "b*tchy. I'm sorry, I know this is a woman's forum, but as a man, I'll tell you it works. ... reluctantly 

Why don't you stop trying. Just back off, and make like you don't care if he's dead or alive. Expect to be disappinted with his promises, but back yourself up with other plans.
Don't let him always know where you are, or what you're doing.

He seems to want space. Give it to him.

Is there a way for you to go out, when he's "expecting" you home?

Second, I'm not buying the sister until 4am, just yet. have you spoken to the sister? Can you call her to say "hello", and maybe squeeze her for some info?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My husband was downright mean to me for a bit after I started my 180. My therapist said it was a "test". That's where I also learned he's passive aggressive.

Now what I've done is I took it a point but then I started calling him on it. I didn't behave like a ***** but I did assert myself and I calmly but firmly said his behavior was unacceptable to me. I also pointed out that I was working hard to be a better wife and that I deserved better than whatever mean treatment he'd just dished out.

Don't know if this was the right answer or not but it seemed to work for me. He has quit being mean. And while the tests have not yet ended he is being a bit more considerate of me.

I swear I think he was just paying me back for all the years I was a ***** but sorry I can't let him do that. He might not have ever stood up to me but that's not my problem. I have no problem standing up to him and he needed a gentle nudge to be reminded of that.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

WhereAmI said:


> You're not doing yourself any favors. You need to be somewhere in the middle of your former ***** attitude and your current push-over attitude. Don't fool yourself into thinking he's impressed because you've ignored the situation. He _is_ testing you and he'll take it as far as you allow.
> 
> It is unacceptable for your H to be out until 4am when he was supposed to be with you. Don't ignore that it happened. You don't have to be a ***** when you approach him, but something certainly needs to be said. An agreement to call if either of you are going to be xx minutes late should be discussed at minimum.


OH, I didn't ignore it. I just didn't act like an out of control wench. 

I calmly explained to him that he was pushing me away by his actions. I also told him that there is a limit to my patience.

But I can either let it go or hold on to it. I'm choosing to let it go. I'm not going to divorce him, so what alternative do I have?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Undertheradar said:


> Oh boy. I don't like this story.
> 
> First of all, "change" doesn't automatically mean "nice". You can stop nagging, but you may need to be a little "b*tchy. I'm sorry, I know this is a woman's forum, but as a man, I'll tell you it works. ... reluctantly
> 
> ...


I know he was with her. She was at our house when they left and yesterday they were talking about the things that trasnspired at their cousin's house. I didn't have to ask.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> My husband was downright mean to me for a bit after I started my 180. My therapist said it was a "test". That's where I also learned he's passive aggressive.
> 
> Now what I've done is I took it a point but then I started calling him on it. I didn't behave like a ***** but I did assert myself and I calmly but firmly said his behavior was unacceptable to me. I also pointed out that I was working hard to be a better wife and that I deserved better than whatever mean treatment he'd just dished out.
> 
> ...


That's basically what I said. I told him that it was unacceptable and I don't understand why he would do such a thing - especially now.

I think I will take Undertheradar's advice as well and make myself scarce for a few hours tomorrow. I have a gift card I can go to the store and use while he's at home with the kids.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> That's basically what I said. I told him that it was unacceptable and I don't understand why he would do such a thing - especially now.


It was a test. Don't you see? Depending on my mood that day sometimes I'm amused by the tests, sometimes they hurt and other times they just piss me off.

Your husband like mine subconsciously wanted to see how far he could push the boundary. Would you get mad? Would you resort to being a *****? Would you withdraw? What will you do? This was his way to get answers to those questions. In my house my husband is still asking these questions. I'm not sure sometimes if I'm up to the task. I need my therapist's number on speed dial. LOL!!

One more thing remember we train people how to treat us. So pick your response carefully. I chose not to leave because that reinforced the abandonment. When he showed true remorse and was apologetic I forgave him almost immediately and moved on. I want him to learn that we can both screw up and get back to normal without holding grudges for days, weeks, years, kwim?

Now if he did it again...that's a whole other story.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

themrs said:


> I know he was with her. She was at our house when they left and yesterday they were talking about the things that trasnspired at their cousin's house. I didn't have to ask.


OK, so he's being a selfish Ass!

IMHO, I think you need to let him feel as if you don't need him right now.
Back off, let him have his fun. Do your own thing, but don't be where he expects you to be, at your expected times.

Warn him ONCE, that you don't lilke his behavior. Make him a small list, and tell him you're not going to explain it. 
Then become as "mysterious" as possible.

I'm a married man, and I used to HATE when my wife made me wonder. I can only share that experience, and hope it works for you.
Speak softly, and make him wonder.
Dress nice, and go out, but don't be so eager to report where you're going.
I know it sound childish, but he isn't exactly acting like a grown man, right now.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> It was a test. Don't you see? Depending on my mood that day sometimes I'm amused by the tests, sometimes they hurt and other times they just piss me off.
> 
> Your husband like mine subconsciously wanted to see how far he could push the boundary. Would you get mad? Would you resort to being a *****? Would you withdraw? What will you do? This was his way to get answers to those questions. In my house my husband is still asking these questions. I'm not sure sometimes if I'm up to the task. I need my therapist's number on speed dial. LOL!!
> 
> ...


Oh it was definitely a test. I think I passed. I did let him know I was hurt by his actions, but I didn't get emotional. I also let it go by going out and having a good time with him the next day. I didn't hold the grudge even though we both know I was justified in doing so.

I did show remorse though. I admitted he didn't know why he did that and that I had every right to be angry with him. Personally I think we are getting too close for his comfort and he was trying to turn down the temp. He didn't have to make it ice cold though. Gosh.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Undertheradar said:


> OK, so he's being a selfish Ass!
> 
> IMHO, I think you need to let him feel as if you don't need him right now.
> Back off, let him have his fun. Do your own thing, but don't be where he expects you to be, at your expected times.
> ...



I am going to take your advice. I think you are right. I am going to go out tomorrow with very little explanation. I'm really only going to go to the mall, but he doesn't have to know I'm going or when I'll be back. 

I think that will be helpful.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> He didn't have to make it ice cold though. Gosh.


:iagree: Totally with you on this.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I also explained to him that I have so much more to give, but his actions make me hold back. I think that really sunk in with him.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> I also explained to him that I have so much more to give, but his actions make me hold back. I think that really sunk in with him.


OMG I said the same thing! My key phrase to him and I've said it a few times is "I feel like retreating". He knows I'm making an effort but if I get scared I withdraw. It sunk in with him too.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

themrs said:


> I also explained to him that I have so much more to give, but his actions make me hold back. I think that really sunk in with him.


Do you notice that you keep explaining, explaining, explaining?

He KNOWS you have so much more to give. Unfortunately, too many people don't know what they have until it's GONE!!

Stop selling yourself.
Go see a movie if yo have to.
Go to the mall. DO NOT REPORT TO HIM.

I'm telling you.... When my wife wanted to get to me, she used to disappear. It drove me crazy!!
Dress nice, especially when you're NOT expecting to be with him. But make sure he notices.
Let him wonder what you're up to, as much as you have to wonder what he's doing.
Don't be so darn respectful.

This doesn't have to be forever, but it may not hurt to start it for a while.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Undertheradar said:


> Do you notice that you keep explaining, explaining, explaining?
> 
> He KNOWS you have so much more to give. Unfortunately, too many people don't know what they have until it's GONE!!
> 
> ...


I agree. I am going to do what you suggest. I plan on doing it tomorrow. I will update with how he reacts.


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