# Questions for those who are/have reconciled



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

So it has been about three weeks since I found out about the EA. I am a little more comfortable in the knowledge that it ended 7 months before I found out. I have not seen any other instances of betrayal. So here is where we are:
I have spoken with the OW, told her that if she ever calls or emails either of us I will post her video on facebook for all to see. She did say she was sorry and stupid. I am proud to say that I did not yell or scream just let her tell her side and threatened her with the video and emails that I have saved. I did break down and become physically aggresive with my husband, but apologized. He has sobbed a few nights. I think I got the point across that I will leave if it ever happens again. I have also apologized that our marriage got to the point were he needed to have an EA, but also told him that he should have talked with me, as I have always been willing to give him the world. We have had great sex at least 5x week. I have told him that I need him to intiate so that I feel desired. 

Now there is only one problem. While checking to see if he is being faithful (ie snooping), I get so angry all over again. I am also nervous while I work or even thinking about his company sending him on overnight training events makes my stomach turn.

How much longer will this last? Are we doing okay or is this just like a newly dating stage (regarding sex)?

I think my favorite outcome has been the sex. When he threw the lack of sex (2 or 3 times a month) after having a baby and tubes tied this past year, i responded that he wouldn't want sex that often if he had blue balls everytime. Now the rule is, if I don't get off, neither does he.

Also, for the men...what can I do to help him want me more?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The sex is most likely what's called Hysterical Bonding. Enjoy it 

As for how long you'll be angry? Well, lets just say a long time. I still have flashes of anger every once in a blue moon - maybe once every month or two - but they pass quickly. Two years ago I was angry ALL the time. It's a diminishing process.

You have to go through a grieving-like process, with the same stages and flip flopping from one stage to another.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

underwater2010 said:


> Now there is only one problem. While checking to see if he is being faithful (ie snooping), I get so angry all over again. I am also nervous while I work or even thinking about his company sending him on overnight training events makes my stomach turn.
> 
> How much longer will this last?


The anger will wane when you have fully forgiven your husband. Although you are doing OK, it does not appear you have accomplished that yet. 

The nervousness (trust) could take months or years. While it may significantly improve, it may never be the same. I am 5 years post D-Day and understand that trust will always have an asterisk next to it. I trust my wife immensely but it will never be the same. That doesn't mean I have a need to snoop, question her actions or suspect she is back in contact with TOM. It just means something was taken from the marriage that will never come back.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

In that case, should I not be snooping? Maybe just checking every two weeks to once a month. I am so afraid that I will be blind sided again.

Do I just let go and realise that my marriage is now different? I mean we have at least 17 yrs until the youngest is up and out. Should I just turned my head and not care if it happens again?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I would continue to verify until you start to forget to verify. For me that took about 3 months. At 3 months, I started to go longer and longer between verifying. Right now I'm at about 1.5 weeks to 2 weeks, although talking about verifying makes me want to verify again.

I refuse to call it snooping. I'm not looking at anything that I don't have every right to look at. That online cell phone bill, that is money that could go for food or college tuition or the mortgage. We don't "need" a cell phone. So as far as I'm concerned, that bill is for both spouses to read. Certainly it's marital money that's paying every cent of it.

He abused the fact that I trusted him that he was only texting to actual friends or colleagues, not to someone who wanted to replace me in some capacity as a wife and mother. I did trust him, I trusted him for 4.5 years to be exact, throughout the entire duration of his emotional affair, even after I caught him once and believed it was over. I find it ludicrous to talk about privacy in marriage after that, particularly since I was a total open book to him, email always open and readable, passwords handy, not a secret to be had.

Now you might not realize reading that that we are reconciled and recommitted. I felt tremendous anger but I will tell you this: until you are able to channel and resolve your anger you will only see so much remorse from your spouse. You will only see so much toward recommitting to the marriage. There has to be a marriage to return to. My IC said that when I stopped being angry, the gap between us would close, and she was right.

As far as the shaky feeling, that is hyper-vigilance, a symptom of PTSD. After a trauma, your body physically sends you into an ultra-protective stance. It's like a door slammed next to you and you jumped sky high and stayed up there. Your body says, don't come down yet, the danger is still here. It sleeps next to you at night. So the human mind has to rationalize and negotiate with the lizard brain. It has to explain to the subconscious, look, no more doors slamming. And the lizard brain says, oh yea? I see a lot of doors all around, and they seem very capable of being slammed. 

Verifying is part of the process of showing the lizard brain that there is no point in staying in a constant state of fight-or-flight. Our excellent MC recommends it because it's a way for the cheater to prove their loyalty. Once my husband heard that, his attitude was, bring it on. He wants to prove his loyalty because the affair is over.

The problem is, some people are very, very, very selfish. They enjoy having both relationships simultaneously, and they aren't about to give that up. So how to tell the difference between that person and the one who is remorseful and is done. Only time will tell, if the remorseful spouse does the heavy lifting of regaining and deserving your trust. I look back now and there is a universe of difference between my husband's committment to me and show of love to me between DD#1 and DD#2. I settled for second best after DD#1. I just had had second best for so long I didn't know what first best looked like any more.

You have to do the impossible, which is you cannot hold the cheater at arm's length indefinitely if you expect to restore your marriage. I think what has helped me is truly knowing that I will walk away if I discover he is cheating ever again. I had to reach that point. No fear. There would be sadness, but no fear. Believe you are better off alone than with a recidivist cheating spouse. Believe that the truth will come out eventually and they won't be able to lie forever. It's either that or divorce them. There's no other good way to live.


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## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

if you snoop and find more things he did not tell you. it will send you back to square 1 again.he has to tell you every thing or you will not get over it.if you feel like theres something he is not telling you, he probly is not telling you 100%. my wife had a PA almost 5 years ago and i still snoop some times. SAD,that i have to check on her sometimes.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Trust and verify.

I trust that my husband is behaving... then I verify that he is.


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## 2ndchanc81370 (Jun 13, 2012)

Regaining the trust is very difficult. It takes a while and it can only happen if the cheating partner does his part. He has to prove to you that he is no longer lying and hiding anything. The pain dulls in time.

How long? It all depends. It depends on what your partner is doing to re-gain your trust and to dull the pain of what he has done. It also depends on you WHEN you let go of the pain and is willing to trust again. 

Difficult? yes. Impossible? NO.

Good luck!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

underwater2010 said:


> Also, for the men...what can I do to help him want me more?


From perspective of a remorseful WS your attempting to reconcile instead of divorce should be more than it takes to make him "want you"

Quite honestly underwater if he doesn`t spend the next year or so hysterically bonding to you after what he`s done you have problems.

Is he now initiating?


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

We're 10 months post D-day and the great sex has continued (still pretty much daily). For us, it started around 1 month post D-day because before that I didn't want him touching me. He said he would wait for as long as it took so it helped me to know he was willing to be patient...

Anyway, as for the trust, I think that takes a lot longer but if his actions show he is trustworthy (transparency, no more lies, etc.) then apparently it comes back in time. Of course it will never be the same but after infidelity I don't think anyone trusts their current spouse or a future spouse in quite the same way again.


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