# How To Respond...



## EverythingU.RNot

My husband is a very aloof person and while not "committed" to any sense of religion that I know of, is mostly adhered to Buddhism.

Since Buddhism tends to err on the belief that attachments are unnecessary and usually painful or ego-centered, my husband is quite smug about his lack of attachment to me.

In spite of the fact that he won't express any "positive" attachment to me (all those things most of us want to hear - "you're important to me" "I care about your feelings" etc.) he is absurdly able to reflect his attachment to his feelings of "annoyance" of being "harassed" and "pestered", and this is a TYPICAL response to my asking questions about his day at work. He just started a new job and doesn't talk much about it. He even says these things after a single, solitary question that is not a part of a conversation (heaven forbid).

I'm no theological expert, but I feel he uses these beliefs to maintain distance from me.

If I express that I feel I'm receiving more negative feedback than positive, he rolls his eyes and groans loudly, "Its always about you, you, you, isn't it?"

How does one effectively communicate what's important to them without generating this response? We've been married 5 years and it's starting to feel very lonely and isolating to be in the same room with him knowing the next time I open my mouth I'll be accused of "harassing" him or being "overbearing" NO MATTER WHAT I SAY OR WHAT THE TOPIC IS OR HOW I APPROACH IT. This has become his default response to me in nearly every situation...


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## afab

I wouldnt put it down to religion. Sometimes one is not yet comfortable in a new job and doesnt want to talk about it. I think you will have to give him time in his new job.


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## aine

Religion is an excuse, he just doesn't want to make the effort. If this is a one off thing let it go but if it is occurring over a period of time, take action. I would tell him that you have a need for emotional connection the way he has a need for sex. If he is not interested in creating that with you, you will not bother him anymore and he should do likewise. In the meantime detach from him emotionally, get busy with other things, go out more often, meet friends, join other activities. Make a life for yourself independent from him. Are you working? The point is you have to let him feel the 'pain' of your detachment, then see what happens. Simply do not be available and reduce the things you do for him.


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## brooklynAnn

I agree with aine, tell him how his non attachment is affecting you. If he has no answer or make an effort, you start detaching. Start finding other things to do, go out and make yourself unavailable. 

He wants to live in a marriage and be detached. Maybe, he should just move into a monestary and live there. What a load of crock. My father did this, my mother cheated with a whole bunch of men, got angry and beat the hell out of us. He was detached alright. This idea of being detached in a marriage is stupid and goes against everything that the word marriage stands for.


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## EverythingU.RNot

I will try my best to detach. It isn't easy because I do love him and it does seem as though he gets worse when I pull away. I used to be almost incapable of controlling my emotions years ago, but I have come a long way in learning better communication techniques.

I do work - I'm self-employed and I often work 7 days a week for weeks on end. Oftentimes I'll only get the chance to come home for 15-20 minutes for the entire day, and if that is all the time we will have together he will spend it meditating or in a book.

Sex? Haha, what's that? For a man he is quite content having sex once a month and more than ready to tell me I'm "oversexed" if I try to talk to him about it. Of course, he pleases himself whenever he wants and I'm to be okay with that while going through the droughts.

I guess these are all surface issues and the deeper issue is I don't know what the deeper issue is. He has always been painfully critical of nearly everything and everyone... I have been in a lot of different relationships, but never one where I felt I could really do no right. The first few years I was highly reactive and sensitive to his criticisms, but less so now that I can truly see it isn't personal.

I think those first few years of my reactivity shut him down; maybe for good. He seems to bring up the past a lot when I'm trying to discuss a current issue with him. It feels like a never-ending loop trying to stay on the subject when the subject is constantly changing. I catch it now and let him know I won't take the bait (to engage in changing the subject) and he will move on to his next tactic to end the discussion. 

So, I have learned to detach quite a bit but the hard part is accepting that he has an almost sociopathic ability to forget I exist when we're not together. (Or even when we are). I'm at a loss as to how to engage him in even friendly conversation at times... It's like walking on eggshells trying to figure out the best way to say things.

Sorry for all the random info... I feel like even putting my finger on the exact problem is like trying to find the proverbial needle in a haystack...


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## Married but Happy

His attitude is actually not very Buddhist - but it is a perversion of a concept that is difficult to understand. He's attached to detachment, and using a false premise to distance himself and not live in the moment. His negativity is certainly not an expression of loving-kindness.

Are there any Buddhist centers or teachers near you with whom you can discuss this topic? He may need some help figuring out what detachment really means and how it actually applies to relationships.

Perhaps this article will give some perspective: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014...ttachment-suffering-is-bliss-keith-molyneaux/


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## GusPolinski

Sounds like he's trying to get you to file for divorce.

So oblige him.


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## ConanHub

Sounds like more of a budass than a Buddhist.

Might want to consider giving your love to a man that loves you back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive

ConanHub said:


> Sounds like more of a budass than a Buddhist.
> 
> Might want to consider giving your love to a man that loves you back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This!


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## EnjoliWoman

Hm. I hesitate to bring this out but it sounds very similar to my ex who was diagnosed NPD. Let's see... your H has no empathy, can't be bothered with things he thinks aren't important, thinks his ideals are more special than yours, and while not listed in the top symptoms, bringing up the past all of the time is another tactic they use to deflect from the current discussion. So I'm not a professional, I just recognized a lot of my ex in your description, though my ex was 10x worse, including the violent part. 

In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following symptoms:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
Requires excessive admiration
Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...311/6-signs-narcissism-you-may-not-know-about

Additionally:
Are highly reactive to criticism.
Have low self-esteem. 
Can be inordinately self-righteous and defensive.
React to contrary viewpoints with anger or rage. 
Project onto others qualities, traits, and behaviors they can’t—or won’t—accept in themselves.
Have poor interpersonal boundaries.


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## norajane

I honestly don't understand why you are even married, and why you stay married. Your H doesn't seem to want to be married, and I don't see why you want to be married to him.

Why are you staying? There is no way to fix a marriage by yourself. It requires two people to repair and build a marriage, and your H is not interested and doesn't think anything needs fixing. He likes it when you are miserable or doesn't care that you are miserable - it makes him happy.

How much of your life do you want to give up to this man? You've already wasted 5 years. How many more do you want to waste?


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## Fozzy

There are zero legitimate religions on planet Earth that require or encourage a man to be a jerk, however jerks often find religion to be a convenient outlet.


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## gouge_away

@EverythingU.RNot
Has your husband talked to you about faith. I think you need to have that discussion.

If you love him, and he loves you, you would want to know him and be known by him spiritually, mentally, socially, emotionally, and physically.


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## EverythingU.RNot

Thank you for all of your replies. Someone mentioned NPD.... I have long suspected NPD and Schizoid PD, but being the trained actor that he is, he escaped diagnosis the one time he went to counseling for a few months... Instead his counselor 'tentatively' diagnosed me as BPD without ever meeting me or realizing that my emotional outbursts were a result of cumulative stone-walking and criticism and not a default mode for me.

Tonight I came home from work, (he had the entire day off). He was immediately displeased to see me. Offered no greetings and seemed irritable. I have him space for a few hours, then attempted to 're-approach' him and was met with an incredibly cold and heartless response... I had asked for affection (hug, kiss, eye contact? Conversation?) And he basically, coldly told me he didn't care for my drama (I was very calm and polite and I asked if I could have some of his time to talk, have quality time).

He said he didn't care about my problems, to go find someone else, and asked me twice "Do you get it? Huh? Do you understand?!" He was very arrogant and condescending...

I left for a friend's house to lick my wounds. It's not the first time he's talked to me like that, and I'm sure it won't be the last....

Other slights he made included telling me I couldn't "cut it" in the "real world" and I needed to get a "real job". (I work for myself and consistently make between $300-$700 a week). I pay bills and expenses equal to our rent, but I'm somehow not doing my part because I don't pay half the rent and I don't work a "real" job.

I'm hurt and losing hope.... :'(


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## gouge_away

He hates his new job, it might not be what he expected it would be. Those attacks on you, for not having a real job, yeah, he isn't happy with his new job, so he wants everybody else to feel like what they do for a living isn't good either.


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## Adelais

EverythingU.RNot said:


> Tonight I came home from work, (he had the entire day off). He was *immediately displeased to see me*. Offered no greetings and seemed irritable. I have him space for a few hours, then attempted to 're-approach' him and was met with an incredibly cold and heartless response... I had asked for affection (hug, kiss, eye contact? Conversation?) And he basically,* coldly told me he didn't care for my drama* (I was very calm and polite and I asked if I could have some of his time to talk, have quality time).
> 
> *He said he didn't care about my problems, to go find someone else, and asked me twice "Do you get it? Huh? Do you understand?!" He was very arrogant and condescending*...
> 
> I left for a friend's house to lick my wounds. It's not the first time he's talked to me like that, and I'm sure it won't be the last....
> 
> Other slights he made included telling me *I couldn't "cut it" in the "real world" and I needed to get a "real job".* (I work for myself and consistently make between $300-$700 a week). I pay bills and expenses equal to our rent, but I'm somehow not doing my part because I don't pay half the rent and I don't work a "real" job.
> 
> I'm hurt and losing hope.... :'(


He sounds like he hates you. It must be painful to live with someone who hates you. You are not a puppy who can lick his ankles for a pat on the head. You deserve to be treated with the dignity a human being deserves. You are his wife, not an annoying fly to be swatted away!

Detach, find your own interests, and get away from him so aren't dragged down by his hatefulness.


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## norajane

EverythingU.RNot said:


> He said he didn't care about my problems, to go find someone else, and asked me twice "Do you get it? Huh? Do you understand?!" He was very arrogant and condescending...
> 
> I left for a friend's house to lick my wounds. It's not the first time he's talked to me like that, and I'm sure it won't be the last....


It could be the last time, if you leave him. 

Why do you stay to take this abuse? Do you realize that it is abuse? Do you realize that you don't have to accept it and can walk away from this relationship? Do you realize that you don't deserve this?

Even your H thinks you'd be better off with someone else. Is there a reason why you feel the need to remain married?


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## SimplyAmorous

@EverythingU.RNot if you are able to leave this man.. LEAVE HIM in the dust... it's hard to even read what you have been putting up with .. even if some of what he is saying holds some truth....he is giving NOTHING to "work with".. not even the smallest glimpse he cares how you feel.. or what a marriage is meant to be like.. he is cold hearted...just wants left to himself.. give him just that ! 

Someone who couldn't care less to be bothered should get exactly THAT in life.. we shouldn't waste our time caring for them either.. let them live like a hermit if that's what floats their boat.. 

Meanwhile you have a life to live.. and enjoy ..


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## EverythingU.RNot

Hello again.... Thank you all once more for your feedback.

Someone said it seems like he hates me.... I agree and it certainly feels that way at times... Or he hates himself that much that he projects it onto me... I'm no Angel trust me, but it seems like the more improvement I make, the more goals I set and achieve, the more overall joy I experience in my world, the nastier he gets....

I noticed a few persons asking/wondering why I stay/put up with/accept abuse, etc.

It's really a very awkward and complicated type of question for me to answer.

1.) I have a past that primed me for this type of difficult disposition in my life and I've only recently become aware of it. All my life others have told me that *I* am the difficult one and thus my focus has been exaggeratedly focused on pleasing others while stuffing down my own needs. (That, and yes, I am certainly difficult myself at times).

2.) I have been told that the behaviors in others that result in my feelings being hurt were an indirect result of my action/inaction/personality and therefore my fault. At first, one really wants to examine and test this theory alongside a strict commitment to fixing what are completely valid unhealthy behaviors within. (I've learned the healthier and more objective/less reactive I am, the more criticisms I receive). I believe it should be the other way around! When I was a terror, my husband loved me endlessly, doted on me, stayed up all night with me... Now that I'm trying to understand and communicate better and I have fewer outbursts, it's as if I have worsened in his opinion? I am more "annoying" and "boring" now. I don't fully understand the dynamic, but I do know it is no longer on me to own his Issues.

3.) Attempts to gain insight by discussing certain issues has had extremely varied reactions; some agreeing with me and some criticizing my interpretations/representation/some feel pity for my husband, and even some suggesting I keep matters to myself. A concurrent effect of reaching out has also lead to being shamed for my indignant and desperate attempts to understand through other's experiences...

I have often wondered why being upset and reaching out nearly always trumped the event that upset me! 

4.) Even though I often feel intense pain and rejection from my husband, I wonder, "does this justify a divorce?" "Am I expecting too much"? "Am I too unable to forgive"? Etc. In reading posts here one might believe it is a very obvious and polarized choice... But that*is not the case for me... I have yet to really establish a specific guide or method of determining what would NOT leave me feeling as though I over-reacted or permanently ended what could have been fixed.... I guess. I do believe in keeping reasonable expectations and allowing others their imperfections.... I know people who absolutely demand their spouse be 100% perfect 100% of the time and I cringe for them... I do relate that my husband also mostly treats me this same way, but I can't see myself treating others like that...


To be continued....


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## *Deidre*

Your husband's Buddhist view of not becoming attached is a bit skewed. I left Christianity for a few years, and during some of that time, I was drawn to Buddhism. It was short lived but what I've learned about it is that Buddhism encourages supportive, loving relationships and marriage. What not becoming attached means in terms of romantic relationships is that we shouldn't seek for another person to complete us, or to fulfill us. Happiness comes from within, and that while we should seek to be loving and supportive to our SO's, they shouldn't become sources of our happiness to the extent that if we were to lose them, we would suffer. Now, we are human, and if we lose our loved ones, we will feel pain and sadness, but Buddhism teaches that we shouldn't become so attached to someone or some thing, that we lose our own happiness in the process. You asking about his day has nothing to do with violating any principles of Buddhism. There is a lot on the internet about Buddhism to help you navigate this, hopefully, this has helped a bit.


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