# Affair, now she wants foursome?



## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

It's been a few months since the affair hit the light of day and we dumped the OM to the curb.

Now I fear the same patterns are popping up again. There is a man at her work who talks to her very freely about his sexuality, and has suggested on multiple occasions that him and his girlfriend and the two of us engage in a foursome.
Threesomes and other forms of group sex have always been a strong fantasy of my wife's, and she has happily relayed these suggestions to me.

As a child she was molested, after the affair and the revelation of a second brief physical encounter with a different guy when we were early into dating, I fear that she may need therapy. But EVERYTIME I bring it up she feels like I'm degrading her by suggesting we seek it. She doesn't trust therapists, and she doesn't like the idea of needing one. I promised her that I would stop suggesting it, but now that these other fantasies and this other man are becoming a more commonplace discussion for us... I don't know what to do.

I'm not comfortable with it. Maybe in some time, but I feel like I need more time to heal from the affair before I can handle more people in the bedroom, not to mention that I don't trust this guy.

My wife says she understands, but she really wants to pursue this sooner than I do. 

Anybody have any advice?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So, what is the deal-breaker for you? 

What I'm asking is, under what circumstances do you leave the marriage? Have you thought about this?

Doesn't it set off some alarms that regardless she is sharing the detail with you - that she is having open, sexual conversations with another man ... again?


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

I really don't know how to answer that. I can't imagine not being with her. She loves me and I her, and we have vowed to make this marriage work and to grow old together.

She's always been a bit open when it comes to talking about sex. She has wanted to be a sex therapist for years (Despite her mistrust of therapists) She doesn't just talk to this guy, but just about everyone. People feel a sense of comfort around her. They want to confide in her. But her confiding back in someone with an agenda is what kicked the affair off.

I don't like that this guy talks to her about dreaming about us having foursomes with him having sex with her and I with his girlfriend.

Tomorrow marks our anniversary. I want all of this to be behind us so badly, and she wants the affair to be swept away just as badly...
I really don't know what to do.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Stick to your guns about what you are feeling. It is hard because affairs take a long time to heal from and she may not realize that, considering where she is at. And she may have another affair.

Have you suggested you go to counseling together for marriage counseling and not just her? maybe she'll be more willing to go with the two of you....


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Yes, you should both go to marriage counseling, and I think you need to make some decisions for yourself concerning your wife and your marriage.

1. There are no boundaries. There are no dos and don'ts set forth that you both clearly understand and are committed to maintaining. Surely you know her behavior is unacceptable to the average person. It is also unacceptable to you, but you are putting up with it. It seems whatever she wants to do is up for discussion and consideration. That is only okay if it is okay with you, and you are making it known to us that it's not okay with you. Yet, you are giving her the impression that it is okay. Make up your mind and tell her how you feel. If you don't like her talking about sex with other people, if you don't like that she is considering a foursome with other people, if you don't like that she wants you to participate, then you have to tell her these things. Married people don't do this stuff generally. If you want a traditional marriage, where each spouse is faithful, then you have to make up mind and decide you will not have her behaving the way she does. If she wants to continue, then you must decide to accept or to leave. I wouldn't understand you deciding to live your life with the kind of pain you are in right now and the pain you endured recently due to her affair. The likelihood is she is not going to change, so accept her the way she is, or put your foot down and decide not to put up with it.

2. Something else you might consider is an open marriage, where both parties do as they please with other people but remain devoted to each other and committed to the marriage. In an open marriage, there is no such thing as an affair because each party is free to do what they want with whomever they want. Maybe you want to consider you both having this type of agreement. It will/should eliminate the hurt feelings associated with discovering an affair. It will be a way for you to accept her behavior with no expectations, no wondering what she is up to, and no wondering if her previous patterns of betrayal have resurfaced because there will be no betrayals. She and you will do as you both please with each other's permission. This may or may not sound like an option for you, but it will be a way for you to cope with her behavior and keep the marriage at the same time. 

3. Don't do anything you are not comfortable doing. DO NOT allow her to drag you into her fantasy of a threesome or foursome if you don't want to do it. It sounds like you feel pressured from her to get this done and to participate. If you want to allow yourself to accept that she is with another couple in that capacity, then let go of any hurt feelings and send her along with your blessing. But don't participate just because she is pressuring you. As you say, you need time to recover from her previous indiscretions. It seems to me you also need time to process this request and decide if you want to participate and why you want to participate. Because if it goes against your grain, there is no reason for you to agree to it. That she makes the request of you is no reason. That you WANT to do it is reason enough, but take the time to decide if you want to or not.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

Susan2010

2. Something else you might consider is an open marriage, where both parties do as they please with other people but remain devoted to each other and committed to the marriage. In an open marriage, there is no such thing as an affair because each party is free to do what they want with whomever they want. Maybe you want to consider you both having this type of agreement. It will/should eliminate the hurt feelings associated with discovering an affair. It will be a way for you to accept her behavior with no expectations, no wondering what she is up to, and no wondering if her previous patterns of betrayal have resurfaced because there will be no betrayals. She and you will do as you both please with each other's permission. This may or may not sound like an option for you, but it will be a way for you to cope with her behavior and keep the marriage at the same time. 




This doesnt sound like a very happy marrage to me. I could never allow this to happen and am sure 95 plus percent of couples wouldn't either.
Tell her what you are feeling and tell her how it must be. If she loves you she will agree. If she still talks with OM sexually and seeks a foursome you need to make a choice to stay or go.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

hurtbyher, it really doesn't matter what you or 95 plus percent of couples would allow. It was an option for the OP to consider under his own circumstances. It also is not up to you to limit his choices to stay or go because his options in life are not left to your construction, approval, or permission. If you read his post or bothered to try understanding it, you would clearly see he is already considering a similar situation even though he is not comfortable with it, at least not comfortable with it just yet. Therefore, I presented another option for him to consider that might make him more comfortable and easier to accept his wife's preferences. Marriage is not the black or white physics that you wish to hold every couple to. In this life, people have options - they can think the same way you think, or they can think differently. How to think, behave, conduct their marriage forward is up to them, not you.


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## Hambo (Jun 4, 2010)

For one this guy wanting it to be a foursome is only because he wants to get with her, and including you makes her feels safer, and like its not cheating. Sure it starts as a foursome, then ur wife is in a three some or just with him with the excuse of "it didnt mean anything, just sex.... like the foursome, i didnt think u would mind since we already had sex before" This girl needs therapy badly. And if she doesnt wanna ackowledge her problem or work on it, these things will keep coming up and getting worse. If that happens.... leave her.


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