# There are times when trial separation may be good for a marriage.



## Gaylord (Oct 8, 2011)

*Instructions:*


*Step 1*

MAKE THE DECISION TOGETHER - Deciding to engage in a trial separation is a huge step and it is vital that both partners have talked about and agree to the separation.

It is also extremely important that both parties NEED to be honest to give the trial separation a chance of being successful. 

*If there is trouble communicating in the relationship, consider discussing with a third (such as a pastor or family therapist) whether you both agree to a trial separation.


*Step 2*

DECIDE UPON THE LENGTH OF SEPARATION - A marriage separation reconciliation program will have a huge impact on your life and on the lives of those around you. It is important that you keep it structured and planned.

It is vital that you decide on a length of time for the separation to take place. This will depend on your unique situation and needs and can vary from several weeks to a couple months. 

*Do not stay separated for too long. You can always agree to shorten the trial separation period or lengthen it. But, there should be a set date when the parties will get together and make a decision.


*Step 3*

TAKE CARE OF HOUSEHOLD AFFAIRS - Before you separate, you will need to decide upon household matters such as finances. Make sure to talk to your children about what is going on and that it is not in any way or form their fault. 


*Step 4*

SET GUIDELINES FOR SEPARATION - It is extremely important that there be NO dating during the separation period. Do not agree to a separation if your partner can not agree to a No-Dating clause. A separation is to evaluate your relationship with each other and you can not do this if other people are in the picture.

Decide when you will be dating/seeing/sexually involved with each other during the dating relationship.

Other guidelines may be: Deciding together your sleeping arrangements during this separation, separate rooms or separate homes. Deciding together how often you will want talk about your relationship and work on a specific relationship issue, etc. You may want to begin writing in a journal, or read through a self-help marriage book, study the Bible, .


*Step 5*

TAKE THE TIME TO REFLECT AND MAKE CHANGES - While it may be hard to make time for yourself, you will need to do so to process the emotions of the separation. 

Evaluate your personal emotional health and what you need to do to make it better. Prepare yourself to be a healthier and happier you. Reflect on your actions with your spouse and what you can do better in your relationship. Make sure you are actively pursuing positive change.


*Step 6*

GET INDIVIDUAL AND COUPLES COUNSELING THROUGHOUT THE SEPARATION - The time of separation period should be a period of healing and growth. Counseling can help dramatically with this. 

Sometimes couples counseling can work best during the separation period when there is less stress at home and the individual has had time to consider his/her viewpoint better. Scheduled counseling sessions can be extremely helpful.

*Choose a family therapist who lines up with your family values.


*Step 7*

MAKE A DECISION - After the agreed upon time is up it is time to make a decision in regards to your relationship. You may decide to continue to work on and rebuild your relationship or continue the separation.


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## FindingMyself (Apr 25, 2013)

This is what my husband and I are doing now. We are working with both a marriage counselor and our own individual counselors over the next six weeks. We have a detailed contract that covers interactions we negotiated as well as certain things (like the no dating) that were non-negotiable. We agree our goal is reconciliation. Step 5 is the hardest one for me. I put up a post asking for help with it a little earlier today. I'm not good at being alone and know there must be some key in there to helping me through this very scary time.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

Are you kidding me? I know this might sound like a good idea in theory, but once you have been separated even with rules for any amount of time, you start to get your own life again it makes it harder to come back together, plus there is always someone who resents the separation, because one person generally wanted it more than the other person did. Even with rules or guidelines in place, people are people and when they get lonely.. well anything can happen. Personally I think that getting away for a weekend or a week is one thing.. time to think, but actual places of your own, separate.. not a good thing.. just my opinion though from my personal experience with it.


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## FindingMyself (Apr 25, 2013)

Anything can happen regardless. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with separation. My husband and I are trying to make this productive, and we both trust our MC, who said this is the best hope we have of de-escalating tension and becoming less enmeshed. I won't deny how scared I am, but I'm even more scared of what will happen if we don't try. Regular marriage counseling helped some but didn't get us to the breakthrough we needed. This is our last hope.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Findingmyself*Anything can happen regardless. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with separation. My husband and I are trying to make this productive, and we both trust our MC, who said this is the best hope we have of de-escalating tension and becoming less enmeshed. I won't deny how scared I am, but I'm even more scared of what will happen if we don't try. Regular marriage counseling helped some but didn't get us to the breakthrough we needed. This is our last hope.


FindingMyself, I think that you are a wise woman. You know what will happen if you do not try and this is your last hope.

The OP seems to have covered a lot of ground and was quite specific. When you get separated you sometimes are able to do a better introspection of yourself and take actions to improve. You may also find that you have more to be grateful for and able to see the good points in your spouse.

A short summary as to one of the reason I am in favor of appropriate separation is that *it lends itself towards the spouses looking at themselves and changing themselves rather than concentrating ob changing the other person*


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