# Can't relax for sex



## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

Hey all my old friends! Some of you may remember me from last spring and I still hold the record for the most views on a thread. See my EA already moving to PA thread for more background.

Things have been actually been working out great for the last several months. We have both worked hard at the marriage. Money problems have eased up. I have worked on staying in shape and being present in all things. Sex has been great and fairly frequent. I was lucky enough to be in a men's group here in the Seattle area with the well known Dr. Robert Glover of No More Mister Nice Guy book fame. He has screwed my head on straight, that is for sure!

Anyway to my issue... I have been noticing over the past couple of months that the sex has slowed down a little. Instead of 5-6 times a week, we are down to 2-3 times a week, mainly on the weekends. She seems a little keyed up and/or tired on weeknights from work. I initiate it about 95% of the time. I feel way more on top of the sex part of our lives and connected to her than before our problems last spring. We look back and laugh frequently at our problems a year ago. This Xmas was a testament to how far we have come. It was a joy to be around her this year.

So last night I'm feeling horny and start going for it and she rebuffs me pretty strongly and says "I'm not relaxed enough", I say, let me get out the message oil and start rubbing your back. She said, "I don't think I can have sex with you unless I have a couple of glasses of wine and it's been that way for the past couple of months". I have noticed this too, but It's late and I while I'm horny I just say, "we need to talk about this in the morning" and roll over and go to sleep.

While I don't think she is losing interest in me right now, I do think that I am not dopamine-ing her enough. She is not excited by me enough to have sex without something like booze to relax her to the point of having sex with me. She is working at a pretty high pressure job so I know that occupies her mind a lot. I could also up the Alpha and start forcing the issue a little more. What do you guys think?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Cool things off and you will get a far better sense.

Notably, she didn't say, "No. Get the hell away from me."

Sex shouldn't be stressful. It shouldn't feel like a chore.

Having a hard time interpreting what the reality actually is, based on what you wrote.

Are you saying that she only wants to have sex with you if she has a couple of drinks in her?

Maintain or up the non-sexual contact. If she thinks that every time you rub her shoulder or kiss her neck that it's code for sex, then you need to break that dynamic.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

I think I am saying that she wants sex, but needs to relax more before I initiate. I talked to her this morning and she said that today is her first day back at work in a week or so and she had a lot on her mind. I don't think that the touching and rubbing is code for sex, I do that a fair amount throughout the day when we are around each other. (Something I never did a year ago) and she has told me how much she likes it when I am touching her or putting my arm around her in public and such.

I'm still bothered by the need to relax for sex and she said that comes in a variety of ways, drinking, massages, hot tub, etc. This being fairly new ground for me, what is the norm on getting a woman to relax for sex? 17 years ago when we first got married, it just happened all the time. Since our little problem a year ago, it seems it takes a lot of work to get her to relax. OTOH, I remember reading that if you want sex from your wife on Saturday, start the process on Wednesday! 

The other thing, is maybe her resistance is a type of **** test and I just plow through it (so to speak) and get past her resistance...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What she said was a sh!t test. Deciding not to act like a kicked puppy is certainly best, but it's an interesting perspective, because it warrants a 'why' question. Why does she feel that way? Is it actually you, or is it completely unrelated.

Because the bottom line certainly appears to be, that she IS enjoying having more sex ... with you.


Tell her you'll get her some rohypnol to help relax ...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Deejo said:


> Tell her you'll get her some *rohypnol *to help relax ...


is this like chloroform?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> is this like chloroform?



are you runslikedog in disguise? :scratchhead:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

no, he is grumpy


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Glad you’re doing well. This may well not be about sex, but as your wife says about relaxing. You may have forgotten what it’s like to be in the workplace, all its stresses and strains, challenges as well as all the interpersonal stuff that goes on. And then coming home to a man who …. wants sex.

Help her to relax but do not make having sex your goal. Your goal is to help her relax and if she falls asleep all well and good. Prepare things, think about it and tell her what you are at so she has all day to look forward to it and prepare herself. Get loads of candles and put them in the bedroom and light incense. The idea is soft light and light scent in the room. Get some massage oils, make sure its warm and you have warm hands. And then just lightly massage around her shoulders and neck and keep on going down. It should come natural to you but if it doesn’t then read up about massaging. She may want sex, she may not. She probably will have an orgasm of some kind if not she will next time round once she knows it’s her its about, not you. Of course massaging the woman you love is one of man’s greatest joys.

And buy books on sex. Supersex by Tracy Cox is good and she has a website.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> is this like chloroform?


Similar to what the dudes in 'The Hangover' took. And for clarity, I am of course being facetious.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Glad you’re doing well. This may well not be about sex, but as your wife says about relaxing. You may have forgotten what it’s like to be in the workplace, all its stresses and strains, challenges as well as all the interpersonal stuff that goes on. And then coming home to a man who …. wants sex.
> 
> Help her to relax but do not make having sex your goal. Your goal is to help her relax and if she falls asleep all well and good. Prepare things, think about it and tell her what you are at so she has all day to look forward to it and prepare herself. Get loads of candles and put them in the bedroom and light incense. The idea is soft light and light scent in the room. Get some massage oils, make sure its warm and you have warm hands. And then just lightly massage around her shoulders and neck and keep on going down. It should come natural to you but if it doesn’t then read up about massaging. She may want sex, she may not. She probably will have an orgasm of some kind if not she will next time round once she knows it’s her its about, not you. Of course massaging the woman you love is one of man’s greatest joys.
> 
> And buy books on sex. Supersex by Tracy Cox is good and she has a website.


I think you are exactly right! Early in our reconciliation, we had more frequent sex and part of that was because she had just started a job and there was no stress. Things have been stressful the past couple of months and sex has been dropping off. 

I think I need more candles, massage oil and wine!


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## akira1 (Dec 13, 2011)

For some women, sex doesn't start just in the bedroom. Maybe you need to heighten the intimacy outside of it, and let it... ahem.... overflow at night.


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