# I need to get over the anger



## sailing free (Feb 29, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. The lies and infidelity started 1 month after our wedding.

It has always been more of an emotional infidelity but with 7 years of being lied to, I really think it has crossed the line to other things a handful of times.

A month after our marriage, I noticed $600 taken out of our account. I then found a western union receipt when I was putting away laundry. I broke into my husbands email to find that he had been sending money to an online porn girl in South America that he had been spending $99/ 1/2 hour to chat it up. In the emails and logs, he referred to her using the pet name he had always used for me. I was crushed. I confronted him and he swore up and down that he would stop. He did for 4 months and then it started up again BUT wait, it gets better!!!

A week after I busted him, I called him to let him know I was in the area and wanted to know if he wanted to grab lunch at his favorite burger joint. He said he was swamped and couldn't get out of the office, so I headed over to pick him up a burger to surprise him. Walked in and saw the back of his head sitting there having lunch with his ex-girlfriend. I left without saying anything. I asked him about his day when he got home that night...full of lies...I again, checked his email because he had given me his passwords after the nasty thing the week prior, and there were emails from him to her and vice versa. His emails were all about how he had to pull over and take care of himself before he got back to the office , blah, blah, blah...

I was ready to kick him out except the fact that I was going through a very hostile custody situation that had sparked back up when I announced I was getting remarried and so I was already $50K into attorneys with my ex and I was not about to announce that my marriage that re-ignited the custody issues was over and that I had made a bad judgement, etc...

4 Years pass and every 3-4 months, my dear husband is out hanging out with some girl from the office that he swears are just friends...not really! He is also on his 3rd job. He quit everytime I threw fits about "relationships" that were very innapropriate AND The online porn chat was back. 

I met with an attorney and we start the paperwork to serve him and I got diagnosed the day before the papers were to be filed at the courthouse for him to be served with stage 4 cervical cancer with distant mets. So, I had to put the separation/divorce off because I had other things to do. He swears up and down that he is going to stand by me...blah, blah, blah.....as a note...everytime he got caught, he would cry and say he was sorry and that he never meant to hurt me and that he would change and he just needed a second chance...you know the drill!

After 9 months of treatment that sent me to hell and back a few times, I am in remission now for almost 2 years and I come to find out that he had been carrying on with a girl from work again and he got fired because he was slacking off. All of this was going on while I was sick. 

Anywho...I am now at a point, I have kicked him out and he is now in therapy for himself and he has asked me to go to marriage counseling.

I personally don't want to commit any more time to this relationship. I am angry and I really don't want to forgive him because he sucks. And part of me feels that it is very selfish of him to even ask for another chance given the odds that the cancer will be back...but nobody knows....

I want to get over the anger I think, I do not love him anymore but at the same time, I am afraid to continue and pursue a divorce given my situation. I am on permanent social security disability. I am not even 40 yet. I need his financial support and his health benefits until I hit my 5 year mark and I can breath a little easier....

Ugggg...anyone have any thoughts, suggestions...I am very good at constructive criticism!:scratchhead:


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You need to get some legal advice, asap.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here and I am sorry to hear your medical problems. I wish you good health. As for your husband, girl, you need this man out of your life. It appears that he has proven to be a serial cheater. Good luck.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow, you have really been through a lot.

He says he is sorry? Then have him put it in the paperwork that he will continue to provide your medical insurance along with spousal support for a certain length of time because of your medical situation. He knows his wife is on disability and he is cheating over and over while she is fighting for her life! 

Talk to a lawyer. If you don't have the money, go online and have legal separation papers drawn up yourself! Support, insurance, etc. are all included, by default. The court can award you these things till the divorce is final and beyond. 

Forget about the anger and try to get him to agree to terms that you feel are fair---so you can avoid paying tons in a contested case, and move on with your life. 

You do not need what he is dishing out while you are tying to make it to the 5 year mark. You need to concentrate on your healing. Peace to you.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I'm sorry your WH has treated you so badly. You deserve more respect. I think it's wise to choose not to invest any more of yourself into this relationship because it looks like he will not quit his serial cheating. Be strong. You deserve to be treated better than this. If you don't have a therapist, I'd suggest getting one (mine's been a lifesaver).


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

To deal with the anger is rather a difficult one. Anger is in ourselves and we refuse to see it. Even if we see it, we dont understand. Difficult indeed.
Most of the times, we dont see anger coming. We become aware after the demon of anger is up and dancing.
Breathing exercises is one of the aids. If you can, when you realize that you ARE in anger, at that moment, go and look at the mirror. It works.


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## sailing free (Feb 29, 2012)

Thank you everyone! I is refreshing to be among people who understand. Opening up to my friends is sometimes hard. I am this "strong person" in everyone's eyes but this marriage has me behaving or tolerating things that completely contradict my norms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Think of it like this: he doesn't deserve anything from you, including your anger. When the anger starts dissolving and it is replaced by indifference you will know you are getting over him (which you should imho, nobody should be treated as you have under your conditions).

Then, when you've stopped focusing on him and the nager you have towards him, you can re-focus on yourself where all your time and energy belongs.

Best wishes to you for all-around healing!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your marriage to this alien is a black hole. Hit warp speed getting out of there.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Have you decided about MC yet? He is already out of the house AND in IC for himself----- has he ever done that before? Have you ever filed paperwork before? My husband did not get serious about ANYTHING till the paperwork was in front of him.

Just saying, he may push the button even harder when it fails to produce.....If his usual reply is to promise and they slowly go back to his "default"---you may have to go to a new place (emotionally) with him to get out of that pattern and make a big move to R or D.

Take care.


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