# Said something stupid and acted like an ass in front of others..



## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

And embarrassed my wife. (No i wasn't drinking) Not sure my wife will ever get over that one. I called the people I said it in front of and apologized. I have apologized over and over to her. She is so pissed. I hate it especially because her and I were just really reconnecting after a rough patch. I'm so stupid! Ugh!


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Need more information please. What happened?


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

I went to a multi level marketing event that she is involved in. At the end, people are smoozing and we met with her two up mentors and the leader. And intros were done and the head guy asked me did I get anything out of the conference and I just "Nothing really." ...which was the truth. ...they sort of laughed it off snd that was it....but my wife was so mad...and still is.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Can you explain why she is so upset over this? What were you supposed to say?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

...and tell us a little more about this rough patch. For context please.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

She thought I was rude and it definitely came out that way. She was embarrassed because this was he first event related to this stuff and I let her down.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

We had been fighting a lot and it spilled over into our finances and sex life. We have been doing so much better and working together better on all fronts. This is definitely a set back.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

cavenger said:


> the head guy asked me did I get anything out of the conference and I just "Nothing really." ...which was the truth. ...they sort of laughed it off snd that was it.....


Is this the whole story? On the off-chance they should say something to your wife, she can say you just have a dry sense of humor or something along those lines. Them "laughing it off" seems like they were probably thinking that anyway. I wouldn't cal what you did "acting like an ass"...did you do more??


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Yes...but I did act like an ass and have apologized to everyone for it.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

well "water under the bridge" I guess. You need to think about WHY you acted that way. Are you jealous of her job, her relationships at the job...something else? At least then you can give some sort of honest explanation to your wife...not that it justifies it..but then at least you two can discuss it and she can feel confident that nothing like that will happen again.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

livnlearn said:


> well "water under the bridge" I guess. You need to think about WHY you acted that way. Are you jealous of her job, her relationships at the job...something else? At least then you can give some sort of honest explanation to your wife...not that it justifies it..but then at least you two can discuss it and she can feel confident that nothing like that will happen again.


Actually I was completely honest in my response. I don't like the multi level marketing concept or really sales in general. And these people were really stupid. I would rather be poor.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Cavenger said*: And intros were done and the head guy asked me did I get anything out of the conference and I just "Nothing really." ...which was the truth. ...they sort of laughed it off snd that was it....but my wife was so mad...and still is.


You apologized, they laughed....sorry, your wife is being totally unreasonable in this...she needs to chalk this one up & say ....."my husband was an ass that day"- and laugh it off, I mean really... 

We ALL do some dumb things in a moment... If everyone around us held all this crap over our heads, none of us would be smiling...we'd all be like this.... 

You've already apologized to her and everyone else...It's on her now to come to her senses. I'm sure you have let her know you'd never allow that to happen again....Forgiveness on her end is all that is left.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead:

Oh hell if I was you I would tell your wife to get over it. You were honest, and hell it could even seen as just a joke to her colleagues, and if not they need the critic anyways.

I agree with the others here, although I do not believe you should be apologising unless it's obvious people took offense to your comment - which they DIDN'T (hence I'm :scratchhead: over why your wife is making such a big deal over it)

Oh hell just tell her to get over it and she can be p-ssed all over nothing if she likes. Sheez


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

cavenger said:


> Actually I was completely honest in my response. I don't like the multi level marketing concept or really sales in general. And these people were really stupid. I would rather be poor.


considering what you said above, I get the feeling your apology probably came off as less then sincere.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You admitted that you had behaved like an ass, apologized for it and made amends by contacting others who were present. You can't do more, other than learn from it. There's a time and place for speaking your mind, and doing so at your W's work event just wasn't one of them.

Your W needs to let it go.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> You admitted that you had behaved like an ass, apologized for it and made amends by contacting others who were present. You can't do more, other than learn from it. There's a time and place for speaking your mind, and doing so at your W's work event just wasn't one of them.
> 
> Your W needs to let it go.


I know. ..I just have to pay the price.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

cavenger said:


> I know. ..I just have to pay the price.


It sounds like you have already, OP. Time for your W to let this go, IMO.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Just got kicked to the couch.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your letting this take on way too much life. Tell her to go to the couch.


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## mattokeol (Jan 13, 2013)

I went to a multi level marketing event that she is involved in.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Lets see how long this goes. I slept on the couch last night because she asked me to. I really dont want to be around her when she is mad at me like this anyway. This morning we havent said two words to each other. (Why should I say anything when all I have been getting is mean remarks?) So we arent talking and coffer time is being spent physically separated. Honestly, this is likely to go on several days.....my punishment.


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## Mr.PotentialFulfilled (Jan 5, 2010)

cavenger said:


> And embarrassed my wife. (No i wasn't drinking) Not sure my wife will ever get over that one. I called the people I said it in front of and apologized. I have apologized over and over to her. She is so pissed. I hate it especially because her and I were just really reconnecting after a rough patch. I'm so stupid! Ugh!


I don't know your circumstances. But I do know I have said stupid things and have embarrassed myself. It hurts. But life does go on. Let me ask you, were these friends on your A list? If not, then consider your mistake a learning lesson. Now you know not to say the same "stupid things" as you put it, in front of the important friends on your A List.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Mr.PotentialFulfilled said:


> I don't know your circumstances. But I do know I have said stupid things and have embarrassed myself. It hurts. But life does go on. Let me ask you, were these friends on your A list? If not, then consider your mistake a learning lesson. Now you know not to say the same "stupid things" as you put it, in front of the important friends on your A List.


One of her friends was there. ..but I don't know her. My wife knows her better. 

When I called the lady to app apologize, she accepted the apology but said it's good to know where I stand (as in this product they are selling) and what we need to work on. I am thinking to myself WTF?? It's bad enough you got my wife wrapped up in this crap, but now you are just barking up the wrong tree. It reminded of why I said what I said in the first place! 

I embarrassed my wife and I feel really bad about it. I made a mistake and I will learn from it. I hate I let her down. I just have to mend the fence.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

We just had a huge blowout fight about this incident. I had sent her some information on mlm and the shadiness just trying to make her understand my viewpoint. 

She came in and freaked out on me. We are living in really cramped quarters at the moment and she said at least she is trying to do something to get us out of this. She says I am not supporting her, etc. 

We don't really have financial problems but we need to move because we have too many people in a small house. (Recently married joining families). We are under water on the house just like many people. I make a good salary. She makes a little money working for her dad.

When she said that about me not doing anything I just responded that I work everyday. I reiterated my disdain for the multi level marketing.

So basically she is taking the one thing I said and circiling it from me being disrespectful back and "not doing anything" to get is out of this house. Nevermind any of the facts. So the house is the real issue. I told her I would take a second job immediately if that is what she wanted. 

But she is being so hateful to me. Says she will never forgive me. Crying, etc.

Man, what a two second misstatement can do to scratch at a festering wound. I swear this woman hates me sometimes.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Tell her enough is enough. You've apologized and can't do more. If she wants to sleep on the sofa, let her, but tell her you're not spending another night there.

This will go on as long as you let it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

cavenger said:


> We just had a huge blowout fight about this incident. I had sent her some information on mlm and the shadiness just trying to make her understand my viewpoint.
> 
> She came in and freaked out on me. *We are living in really cramped quarters at the moment and she said at least she is trying to do something to get us out of this. She says I am not supporting her, etc. *
> 
> ...


Wondering if you are showing her enough appreciation for her efforts. By these emboldened lines, I wonder if there is something you can do to support her efforts, but maintain a life of your own working toward the same goal.

I don't know. Just thought I would try to show a different perspective.

Almost sounds like you have lost your goal and she is still fighting to meet her's, but you're a bit resentful.

Don't mean to be insensitive, just help if I can. That's all I got, so take it for what it's worth.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Wondering if you are showing her enough appreciation for her efforts. By these emboldened lines, I wonder if there is something you can do to support her efforts, but maintain a life of your own working toward the same goal.
> 
> I don't know. Just thought I would try to show a different perspective.
> 
> ...


I'm happy to do whatever she wants to do. I made a mistake and let my opinion come out when I was asked a direct question. I would prefer us to take a more legitimate path. ... but she is so passionate about this working. Now I have dug myself a huge hole by my comment and she is intertwining the issues. I can't believe it, but this is becoming a huge deal. She just sent me this:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/chicceo/2012/09/27/is-mlm-a-bad-word/ 

Its all perspective.  Yours is  negative mine is positive. Not sure why you think your negative opinion gives you the right to insult people but this has definitely changed my opinion of you.

I mean wow...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Think of this issue as a baloon.

You are blowing it up for some unknown reason.

Pop it.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Think of this issue as a baloon.
> 
> You are blowing it up for some unknown reason.
> 
> Pop it.


I am? What do you mean by pop it?


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## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

Mmm, I'd be upset too if I had a big function for work, invited my H, he made such a remark and then continually 'reiterated his disdain' for my work. Distain is pretty strong and implies a total lack of respect for anyone involved. Is it possible, in relation to house, finances and all you have mentioned that your feels you don't value her work or contributions to the family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

mrsball said:


> Mmm, I'd be upset too if I had a big function for work, invited my H, he made such a remark and then continually 'reiterated his disdain' for my work. Distain is pretty strong and implies a total lack of respect for anyone involved. Is it possible, in relation to house, finances and all you have mentioned that your feels you don't value her work or contributions to the family?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I totally get your point and you are right. ...but please keep in mind this is not her work. This is something extra. A side job so to speak. I get your point and like I said I did apologize. Sometimes sorry won't cut it though and I get that. 

I value her incredibly. She is amazing. She works really hard for us and I tell her that all of the time. And I really do believe it. I try to do as many things as can to show her that. And frankly I work hard too. I have helped her dad's business several times without a blink because I love her and I would do anything for her.

In this case, I think mlm is borderline unethical. And it does hit our bottom line. She has already bought in at one level of the business without my knowledge, yet my comment wasn't about that. It was about some fool asking me if I learned anything and I honestly answered no. 

Ugh....


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I'd be worried about her getting involved in a multi-level marketing scam. Because that's what those things usually are. In the long run she's going to lose money. So I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. In my opinion your wife is being really unreasonable and showing some poor judgement. I'd get it out in the open that you support her, but you think she may be making a mistake with this venture. 

But you have other issues such as just being married and blending together two families (if I read that right). Maybe that's the real issue that needs to be explored.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

WomanScorned said:


> I'd be worried about her getting involved in a multi-level marketing scam. Because that's what those things usually are. In the long run she's going to lose money. So I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. In my opinion your wife is being really unreasonable and showing some poor judgement. I'd get it out in the open that you support her, but you think she may be making a mistake with this venture.
> 
> But you have other issues such as just being married and blending together two families (if I read that right). Maybe that's the real issue that needs to be explored.


Thank you for understanding on the mlm. Unfortunately, I tried to tell her early on but not clearly enough and now she is all into it and then the slip of the tongue the other day. 

The root issue is the house. It's old and we sleep in the dining room so our kids wouldn't be disturbed. She has no room for her clothes. Neither of us have bathroom space. I think we ate both Ok with sacrificing for our kids. Its not that. It's just that lack of having a home is wearing on us. Especially her. 

Right or wrong, she thinks I haven't done enough. I had this house before we got married so I never expected to have to be cramped in here. The housing market still sucks... blah, blah, blah. We are stuck here.

I have been known to be methodical. I feel like fools rush in. She is exactly the opposite. She acts. And makes a decision. Both methods have pros snd cons. But no way I would do this that she is doing now with mlm.

I love this woman and I really want to make her happy. But. .. How? Let the house go and rent? I'm at a loss.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

cavenger said:


> I went to a multi level marketing event that she is involved in. At the end, people are smoozing and we met with her two up mentors and the leader. And intros were done and the head guy asked me did I get anything out of the conference and I just "Nothing really." ...which was the truth. ...they sort of laughed it off snd that was it....but my wife was so mad...and still is.


I don't see the problem with this. Big deal. Your wife has to get over herself and shouldn't be so sensitive.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

cavenger said:


> She has already bought in at one level of the business without my knowledge..


Whoa there Tex - this is way out of bounds.

I've seen acquaintances go into Multi-level Marketing and it's as if they've gone temporarily insane. Not once has it ever worked out.


Something is wrong with the picture regarding the house and over-all finances. If you have a tiny house, shared with another family, and both of you are working then the math doesn't add up here. There must be other big debts or someone is doing a lot of cocaine, gambling, or something. What's going on?


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

If my spouse drug me to a multi-level marketing meeting I would have a hard time being enthused. I guess I'd have to fake it.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Whoa there Tex - this is way out of bounds.
> 
> I've seen acquaintances go into Multi-level Marketing and it's as if they've gone temporarily insane. Not once has it ever worked out.
> 
> ...


We are not sharing with another family. We have 3 kids in a 3/1.5 bath house. Plus we support her daughter partially who is in college. There is nothing else going on. She barely gets paid working for her dad. We cant sell our house because we are under water.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> If my spouse drug me to a multi-level marketing meeting I would have a hard time being enthused. I guess I'd have to fake it.


I tried, but as you can see I didnt fake well.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Wow Cavenger I understand to a degree why your wife WAS a bit annoyed but this point it is over the top. Here is the deal. I have been in sales all my life (for the past 30 years). I am good at it. 

As you can imagine I have been approached by all the following, Amway, AL Williams, Shaklee, The people that are in Amway that say they are not Amway, Xango, Excel, Herbalife, and I tell them all the same thing. I am sorry, I am glad your happy with what you are doing but I would rather work at McDonalds than be in an MLM. 

Now I know individuals who are very wealthy from MLM's and I respect them for their tenacity but that is about where it ends. The reason your wife's mentor's laughed is because they get this all the time and understand only a small portion of the population will be interested in this even a smaller percentage of those individuals will be successful. They have bought in. "Bully" for them and congratulations. Like you I could never do it. 

In regards to your wife; if she is unable to cope with your honest comment she is not right for any MLM. If she is going to continue you need to support her but she needs to get over it and give herself some hard goals to be successful otherwise she will spin her wheels forever. She will need 12 to 18 months of working this hard if she wants to know if it will work long term. If she is doing is part time she will need longer. 

I suggest you let her know you will support her fully but she needs to leave you out of it other than being positive with her and those she is recruiting and selling to. 

You also need to take a hard stand and let her know you are done on the couch, she needs forgive and forget and you both need to happily move forward. If she is unable to do this you need to have a much more serious conversation with a counselor at minimum.

By the way your wife's friend is a twit.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

MLM is crap. You did the right thing. The sooner you get her away from that garbage the sooner she can start putting her efforts into something that is not a scam. If she is not OK with you calling a spade a spade that is her problem.


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## BrookeT (Nov 3, 2012)

The OP is right, most multi level marketing is a scam designed to suck money off of people who think they are building a business. 

Tell her you really appreciate the effort to contribute, sincerely, but you are concerned shes being taken advantage of you can't allow that. If she wants to be involved contributing in other ways, you'll be 100% supportive, but will not sit idly by while she gets scammed. 

If she gets mad, oh well. Another thing, watch your bank accounts like a hawk.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Wow Cavenger I understand to a degree why your wife WAS a bit annoyed but this point it is over the top. Here is the deal. I have been in sales all my life (for the past 30 years). I am good at it.
> 
> As you can imagine I have been approached by all the following, Amway, AL Williams, Shaklee, The people that are in Amway that say they are not Amway, Xango, Excel, Herbalife, and I tell them all the same thing. I am sorry, I am glad your happy with what you are doing but I would rather work at McDonalds than be in an MLM.
> 
> ...


Thank you! So good to hear from someone who knows what a scam these things are! I have read everything about this particular one and the owner was formerly involved in xango and they compete with Herbalife. 

The hard part about this is no matter how much I know this is a bad path and that I was right with my comment, she doesn't think the same way. I just have to let her get over it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Forget sales. Forget money. Forget multilevel marketing.

You made a mistake. Apologize for it. Any tiime it ever gets brought up again say "Wife, I already apologized for this. Move on".

That's popping the baloon.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Forget sales. Forget money. Forget multilevel marketing.
> 
> You made a mistake. Apologize for it. Any tiime it ever gets brought up again say "Wife, I already apologized for this. Move on".
> 
> That's popping the baloon.


And don't let her to continue punishing you. Get off the couch and back into your bed. Do all these stuff that you normally do. If she is still to upset with you, she can sleep on the couch or skip dinner or what ever else she expects you to do as a penance.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

cavenger said:


> And embarrassed my wife. (No i wasn't drinking) Not sure my wife will ever get over that one. I called the people I said it in front of and apologized. I have apologized over and over to her. She is so pissed. I hate it especially because her and I were just really reconnecting after a rough patch. I'm so stupid! Ugh!


She probably wanted your positive support and even if you didn't get anything out of it, you could have said, "I think she did a great job" or something. I go to my husband's conferences all the time and even though the subject matter doesn't really apply to me and I'm only there for moral support (the key words here...) I try to think the whole time during his speech what positive things I can say to people when they ask me how I liked the speech or what I can say to boost him up when he asks me how it was. That's my job...to be supportive. 

Either your wife was embarrassed because she thinks the guys think she didn't do a good enough job to have anybody be able to get anything out of it or embarrassed because she's married to a complete cad.

I'm really surprised so many people here are siding with you on this. I can totally see where your wife was probably nervous and needing some positive feedback and her man to back her up and you totally let her down.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I see *lots* of problems here, and MLM and your comments are only part of it.

1. You two sleep in the dining room so as not to 'disturb the kids'. WRONG. Disturb them, they'll get over it! If you are 'merging' two families, then MERGE THEM. 

You and wife get bedroom #1, at least TWO of the kids must be the same gender (there are three kids), give them bedroom # 2, child of other gender gets bedroom #3. If ALL children are the same gender, then split them by age...the 2 closest in age share a bedroom, or oldest gets a bedroom alone (RHIP: rank hath its privileges)! My generation, everybody shared, it's a 'learning experience'.

2. You disapprove of wife's MLM work. She has DISHONESTLY sunk marital funds into it without your okay. Not acceptable.

Tell her she is free to pursue this MLM work to the best of her ability, BUT she is limited to investing $XX.XX of marital funds ONLY. Any additional money she wants to invest MUST come from her MLM work, or a 2nd job or hers, or wherever. It does not come (in unlimited amounts) from the marital bank accounts.
If you find out she has taken marital funds to finance this MLM work AGAIN, then have YOUR pay deposited in another account with YOUR NAME ONLY so you know she cannot put you in financial hot-water with this MLM business.

3. Stop acquiescing to HER temper tantrums. Get a book on how to fight FAIRLY. Read it! Encourage HER to read it. If she refuses, at least YOU will have more knowledge on how to deal with discord more maturely. 

4. Get and READ a book on setting boundaries. If SHE is unhappy over something SHE perceives you did wrong, and SHE refuses to accept your apology for, and SHE is still angry over, and SHE refuses to move on from.......then GUESS WHO gets to sleep on the couch, or not eat dinner, or pout, or whatever. That's right....SHE does!

5. Get a book on step-parenting and blending families and REQUIRE that she read it as well as yourself.

Good luck! I think if you and your wife don't get this BLENDED FAMILY situation well-in-hand early on, then you won't have to worry about her MLM business...because this is a situation that will keep building until it explodes.

STOP PUTTING THE KIDS FIRST! They will not 'die' because they have to share a room, or a bathroom, or a house. Such indulgences are SPOILING them and only makes it take longer to establish this new BLENDED FAMILY.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

DayDream said:


> She probably wanted your positive support and even if you didn't get anything out of it, you could have said, "I think she did a great job" or something. I go to my husband's conferences all the time and even though the subject matter doesn't really apply to me and I'm only there for moral support (the key words here...) I try to think the whole time during his speech what positive things I can say to people when they ask me how I liked the speech or what I can say to boost him up when he asks me how it was. That's my job...to be supportive.
> 
> Either your wife was embarrassed because she thinks the guys think she didn't do a good enough job to have anybody be able to get anything out of it or embarrassed because she's married to a complete cad.
> 
> I'm really surprised so many people here are siding with you on this. I can totally see where your wife was probably nervous and needing some positive feedback and her man to back her up and you totally let her down.


Honestly, I agree. I feel awful about. It was a quick reply to a direct question. I wish I wouldve just held my tongue. I feel like a cad.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Multi level marketing events are for scammers or suckers. This is just a pyramid scheme rebranded. I don't care what BS others throw at me for saying it. What you said would be the least of what I would have said. Your reaction was reasonable. Your wife is delusional about this program and caught up in something that will most likely hurt her financially if she's not willing to scam others. If I were you I would work on getting her energy pointed at something more realistic and long term. I just don't understand how people can't see these schemes for what they are.

Good Luck


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> Multi level marketing events are for scammers or suckers. This is just a pyramid scheme rebranded. I don't care what BS others throw at me for saying it. What you said would be the least of what I would have said. Your reaction was reasonable. Your wife is delusional about this program and caught up in something that will most likely hurt her financially if she's not willing to scam others. If I were you I would work on getting her energy pointed at something more realistic and long term. I just don't understand how people can't see these schemes for what they are.
> 
> Good Luck


Fine. Then be polite to wife's bosses, tell them what a great job she did, that she could sell beachfront property in the Sahara Desert, then talk privately about what a scam it is to wifey-poo later on and how uncomfortable you are with the whole deal.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

DayDream said:


> Fine. Then be polite to wife's bosses, tell them what a great job she did, that she could sell beachfront property in the Sahara Desert, then talk privately about what a scam it is to wifey-poo later on and how uncomfortable you are with the whole deal.


Clearly this is what I should've done.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

cavenger said:


> Honestly, I agree. I feel awful about. It was a quick reply to a direct question. I wish I wouldve just held my tongue. I feel like a cad.


My comment was just for your initial post. I have read some responses from much later that I think are for deeper issues that have come up since that I won't have time til later to go read through. But since there are so many people taking your side, I feel I owe it to you to at least go back and read through them to give a more educated response.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

DayDream said:


> Fine. Then be polite to wife's bosses, tell them what a great job she did, that she could sell beachfront property in the Sahara Desert, then talk privately about what a scam it is to wifey-poo later on and how uncomfortable you are with the whole deal.


I just couldn't hold my tongue when this snake oil salesman asked me what I got out of the conference. I basically said nothing. .... but what I was thinking was. ...you've got a room full of people here that you are basically extorting money from. ...And you are trying to add me, my wife and my family to that list!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

DayDream said:


> I'm really surprised so many people here are siding with you on this. I can totally see where your wife was probably nervous and needing some positive feedback and her man to back her up and you totally let her down.


What is he supposed to do? He screwed up, admitted it, even reached out to apologize to those he said it to, yet it is not enough for her.

I am not siding with him in that he did not screw up. I am siding with him that he has apologized and worked at it, yet she still demands additional pounds of flesh. That is poor behavior that he does not have to put up with.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

cavenger said:


> I just couldn't hold my tongue when this snake oil salesman asked me what I got out of the conference. I basically said nothing. .... but what I was thinking was. ...you've got a room full of people here that you are basically extorting money from. ...And you are trying to add me, my wife and my family to that list!



I'm glad you see it for what it is. I would not call these men "bosses". They are con men and deserve no respect or civility. I would not be embarrassed about a damm thing. It might help to explain your exact feelings to your wife. I've seen this before. One spouse gets involved with this type of scam and it ruins the relationship. I would find it hard to be married to someone who participated in this nonsense. You might want to seperate your finances if you haven't done so already.


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

So she drug you along to something you're not interested in and then expected you to stand up and sings its praises? "Nothing really" just doesn't seem that serious to me. At least you were honest.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

BarelyThere said:


> So she drug you along to something you're not interested in and then expected you to stand up and sings its praises? "Nothing really" just doesn't seem that serious to me. At least you were honest.


Unfortunately, she is really pissed and I am just gonna have to deal with that for now until she calms down.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

cavenger said:


> We are not sharing with another family. We have 3 kids in a 3/1.5 bath house. Plus we support her daughter partially who is in college. There is nothing else going on. She barely gets paid working for her dad. We cant sell our house because we are under water.


I see. So you meant that both you and the wife had kids previously. 

Three bedrooms? Pfft. Kick someone out of a bedroom. That's ridiculous. You can make a partition if you feel like it. Doesn't take much in the way of skills, and it can be done in a way that makes it easy to remove. There are immigrants to this country with three to four people sleeping in each bed. 

The wife barely getting paid from working for her Dad is a problem in addition to the multilevel marketing. Sheesh. She can get a regular job. There isn't any reason to be throwing money away on a scam, nor reason to have a job that isn't making money. 

If this is one of those "you can't get there from here" deals then accept having a lower standard of living. It's no big deal. I have lived like a pauper most of my life, even when I could have lived better.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Well cav, there's bad news and good news.

- bad news is you guys may not be socially compatible. She want's a different kind of refinement.
- good news is it sounds like things suck pretty bad now so once you guys split up, you'll be much happier and you can find someone with similar aspirations and who like to run in similar circles as you do.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

cavenger said:


> I'm happy to do whatever she wants to do. I made a mistake and let my opinion come out when I was asked a direct question. I would prefer us to take a more legitimate path. ... but she is so passionate about this working. Now I have dug myself a huge hole by my comment and she is intertwining the issues. I can't believe it, but this is becoming a huge deal. She just sent me this:
> 
> http://www.forbes.com/sites/chicceo/2012/09/27/is-mlm-a-bad-word/*
> 
> ...


You win some and you lose some. Sorry I insulted you. It wasn't my intention.

Edit: Oh, and by the way, you were right on what you said. Multi-level marketing is a really bad idea. I don't know how I missed that.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

By the way, pressuring you into attending the seminar is a classic double-bind manipulators use to suck the blood out of you.

Let's just make it a serial killer convention for clarity. You are put in a position where saying what you really think makes you look bad in front of the serial killers. But if you humor them - you are enabling serial killers.

This is going to get a lot worse if you don't do the right thing and stand up against serial killers in the first place. There are plenty of articles and also watchdog groups demonstrating the ponzi scheme nature of multilevel marketing. A job pays wages. Multilevel marketing requires that you SPEND money. What's wrong with this picture?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

There is nothing wrong with your opinion you think MLM's are a scam.Your mistake was accompanying her like you were backing her up and saying anything negative that embarrassed her.Just say I'm not on board with that endeavor and stay home.I realize you regret your words but I think its sort of passive aggressive that you went(like you were supportive) and then said what you really thought in front of others.That's what you did wrong..Instead tell her how you feel about it to her(in private) and don't go.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> You win some and you lose some. Sorry I insulted you. It wasn't my intention.
> 
> Edit: Oh, and by the way, you were right on what you said. Multi-level marketing is a really bad idea. I don't know how I missed that.


Your comment was put forth humbly so who knows why OP took such offense.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Your comment was put forth humbly so who knows why OP took such offense.


I'm confused. ...I haven't got upset with anyone in this thread. I did pay something my wife sent to me. ..not sure if maybe that is the source of confusion.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

cavenger said:


> I'm confused. ...I haven't got upset with anyone in this thread. I did pay something my wife sent to me. ..not sure if maybe that is the source of confusion.


That makes more sense. We misread. Appologies cav. Do continue sir


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> There is nothing wrong with your opinion you think MLM's are a scam.Your mistake was accompanying her like you were backing her up and saying anything negative that embarrassed her.Just say I'm not on board with that endeavor and stay home.I realize you regret your words but I think its sort of passive aggressive that you went(like you were supportive) and then said what you really thought in front of others.That's what you did wrong..Instead tell her how you feel about it to her(in private) and don't go.


You're right. ...I so screwed up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cavenger said:


> I totally get your point and you are right. ...but please keep in mind this is not her work. This is something extra. A side job so to speak. I get your point and like I said I did apologize. Sometimes sorry won't cut it though and I get that.
> 
> I value her incredibly. She is amazing. She works really hard for us and I tell her that all of the time. And I really do believe it. I try to do as many things as can to show her that. And frankly I work hard too. I have helped her dad's business several times without a blink because I love her and I would do anything for her.
> 
> ...


I'm with you on the mlm stuff. Years ago I tried a couple of them and found out that for most people they do not work. What they do is to get a person to spend a few hundred $$ to by in then get them to sell to all their freinds and family. And that's where it usually ends. Most people never take it any further than that.

I probably would have said the same thing... or just refused to go. Those meetings are such BS.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

cavenger said:


> You're right. ...I so screwed up.


So how long do you get to be punished for it? I fail to understand why everyone keeps on you for this. You apologized to your wife, called the other people and apologized to them. Now what? Apparently, you need to change in to sack cloth, cover yourself in ashes all the while walking on your knees and begging for penance. I think that is ridiculous.

You need to stop punishing yourself on this. You screwed up. all of us have. You owned it, apologized, now move on. If she brings it up again, tell her this. If she can't accept that apology, that is her issue to deal with.

And by the way. If your wife can't handle this small bump in the road, she has no hope in this MLM endevour. You may as well just burn the money, (because at least it will get you some heat) as oppose to her throwing it away.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You screwed up and apologized and it should be over. If she is going to get this mad over something so small and not let it go, then my crystal ball says you are going to have many more issues in the future.

Your wife needs to get a tougher skin. When she actually starts trying to sell the crap, she is going to hear much worse. Most people will politely decline, but some will let her have it. I hope she doesn't approach too many of your friends to 'buy' her crap .... good way to have fewer friends.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> You screwed up and apologized and it should be over. If she is going to get this mad over something so small and not let it go, then my crystal ball says you are going to have many more issues in the future.


Yes it sounds like a symptom of existing resentment. Trouble will not take long to manifest.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

cavenger said:


> You're right. ...I so screwed up.


... And you have already made amends. This should have been over long ago. The fact that she won't let this go, should be reason for concern. 

She is mad that you don't support her MLM endeavor and is using your screw up to control the situation. It is a power play.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

yellowledbet said:


> ... And you have already made amends. This should have been over long ago. The fact that she won't let this go, should be reason for concern.
> 
> She is mad that you don't support her MLM endeavor and is using your screw up to control the situation. It is a power play.


Is he trying to control her MLM endeavor?


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Is he trying to control her MLM endeavor?


No, but she knows he doesn't like it. By her continuing to be mad about what he said at the event, he has to walk on egg shells about the whole MLM subject. Therefore, she is controlling the situation.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

yellowledbet said:


> No, but she knows he doesn't like it. By her continuing to be mad about what he said at the event, he has to walk on egg shells about the whole MLM subject. Therefore, she is controlling the situation.


I think she wants him to be as on board with it as she is. I don't think she is so much mad at the comments as mad that he has told her that this is a bad idea that won't work.

In that sense, this is a tricky situation. How do you handle a spouse doing something that you don't support, particularly when money is tight and it will require an investment? 

Generally, once she knows your position the first time, I think you keep your mouth shut and nod nicely when she discusses things. The issue will need to be addressed, however, when she wants more of their money to invest and/or her involvement results in her neglecting the kids and their marriage. I don't think there is a bright line rule, but I can happen.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I think she wants him to be as on board with it as she is. I don't think she is so much mad at the comments as mad that he has told her that this is a bad idea that won't work.
> 
> In that sense, this is a tricky situation. How do you handle a spouse doing something that you don't support, particularly when money is tight and it will require an investment?
> 
> Generally, once she knows your position the first time, I think you keep your mouth shut and nod nicely when she discusses things. The issue will need to be addressed, however, when she wants more of their money to invest and/or her involvement results in her neglecting the kids and their marriage. I don't think there is a bright line rule, but I can happen.


I disagree. I think that if money is as tight as SHE has said then it is important to draw a hard line. The failure rate is so close to 100% on MLM endeavors that you can consider any money and time spent as lost. She is so caught up in the company line that she is not making rational decisions for the household and family, it is his job as a father and husband to help guide her back to more fruitful endeavors. 

Maybe a compromise would be: 
Have her make a business plan that enumerates her goals. Agree on a timeline that she will reach her goals. I think these goals should be hashed out into an hourly wage so she can compare it against her earning potential at other opportunities. If she does not reach these goals then game over. Be completely supportive in that time frame. 


Disclaimer: I hate hate hate MLM so my opinions may be over the top.... and I am fine with that.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

yellowledbet said:


> I disagree. I think that if money is as tight as SHE has said then it is important to draw a hard line. The failure rate is so close to 100% on MLM endeavors that you can consider any money and time spent as lost. She is so caught up in the company line that she is not making rational decisions for the household and family, it is his job as a father and husband to help guide her back to more fruitful endeavors.
> 
> Maybe a compromise would be:
> Have her make a business plan that enumerates her goals. Agree on a timeline that she will reach her goals. I think these goals should be hashed out into an hourly wage so she can compare it against her earning potential at other opportunities. If she does not reach these goals then game over. Be completely supportive in that time frame.
> ...


I don't think we do disagree. My point was based on her having already invested money, there is not much he can do now, so he just let her go at it. The time is her to invest in it. I do agree that if she wants more money, then he needs to address the issue head on.

I will say that as I think about it, the OP needs to be careful. My recollection is that she invested money in this without telling him. If that is accurate, then I think he has to address the money issue now.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Well the good news is we are speaking again. The bad news is that I found out she is flying to Texas for a sales seminar called success school. My guess is it costs money to get into the seminar. She doesnt know I know she is going yet. I am glad she is still sleeping or we would probably be fighting. I mean money for the flight, food, hotel and im sure the "success school" cost money that they were pushing so hard last weekend......:banghead:


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

cavenger said:


> Well the good news is we are speaking again. The bad news is that I found out she is flying to Texas for a sales seminar called success school. My guess is it costs money to get into the seminar. She doesnt know I know she is going yet. I am glad she is still sleeping or we would probably be fighting. I mean money for the flight, food, hotel and im sure the "success school" cost money that they were pushing so hard last weekend......:banghead:


Sorry to hear it, Cavenger. Stay cool and collected and stick to the facts. Ask her to take a logical approach to this, I was serious about a business plan. The more emotion that you show, the easier it will be for her to change the subject.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Oh and start figuring out your bottom lines and boundaries. 

The latest events show a couple of things:

1. Deception
2. Misuse of marital funds (presumable earned by you)
3. Disrespect and disregard.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

cavenger said:


> Well the good news is we are speaking again. The bad news is that I found out she is flying to Texas for a sales seminar called success school. My guess is it costs money to get into the seminar. She doesnt know I know she is going yet. I am glad she is still sleeping or we would probably be fighting. I mean money for the flight, food, hotel and im sure the "success school" cost money that they were pushing so hard last weekend......:banghead:


This could be bad Cav. Have you looked at her phone records or email? She's been justifying what an @ss you are to herself and she has this new exciting(to her) career and is going on a business trip with her new exciting friends. This looks a lot like a EA/PA script.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: Said something stupid and acted like an ass in front of others..*



yellowledbet said:


> Oh and start figuring out your bottom lines and boundaries.
> 
> The latest events show a couple of things:
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response and good advice. I really don't how to approach this without being labled the bad guy. In my opinion, all of our money is our money. Yes I make more than her but she did have a windfall not to long ago. So I really won't claim is my money. 

I honestly don't know what to do. She is blinded right now. I was thinking about taking a second job so she could see my commitment to getting us out of here and she wouldn't feel burdened to do this crap. 

It sucks because her friend is in her ear telling her how great it is. I can't believe something like this is going to test or marriage.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

cavenger said:


> labled the bad guy.


I think she knows this and uses it to her advantage. She has made you the bad guy so she can justify getting what she wants. 



cavenger said:


> In my opinion, all of our money is our money.


I agree, but she is not treating it that way. She is treating it as hers and not allowing you any input. 




cavenger said:


> She is blinded right now. I was thinking about taking a second job so she could see my commitment to getting us out of here and she wouldn't feel burdened to do this crap.


I agree she is blinded but you taking a second job only reinforces her bad behavior. Don't do more for her while she is doing less. It is a bad dynamic that will end up hurting your marriage rather than helping it. 



cavenger said:


> It sucks because her friend is in her ear telling her how great it is. I can't believe something like this is going to test or marriage.


Sorry man, it is tough. She is showing some really bad sides to her personality. This is not your fault at all. My best advice is to stay calm and collected while figuring out your bottom lines. Then express those to her in no uncertain terms.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

cavenger said:


> Well the good news is we are speaking again. The bad news is that I found out she is flying to Texas for a sales seminar called success school. My guess is it costs money to get into the seminar. She doesnt know I know she is going yet. I am glad she is still sleeping or we would probably be fighting. I mean money for the flight, food, hotel and im sure the "success school" cost money that they were pushing so hard last weekend......:banghead:


Good God she is OUT OF CONTROL. Way over the line. This is betrayal of the first rank, ESPECIALLY with her complaints about not having enough money.

This is disordered thinking. Lost her freaking mind. Look at how much money she is spending, then figure out how much you have to earn pre-tax with the social security tax, income tax, work-related expenses and etc. in order to fund this insanity.

Look at what materials could have been purchased for the house to make living accomodations better. 


Gah! This was one of the first things I set straight with my wife. She was a teenager when we first got together so this was one of the things I anticipated dealing with. You get a budget for yourself, and not one penny beyond that is spent without a joint agreement. You do not borrow without joint agreement, and you make no committments to anybody without joint agreement. 

This is marital financial terrorism. There is no way you can work hard enough to overcome a spouse pissing away money if you allow it.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: Said something stupid and acted like an ass in front of others..*



Wiserforit said:


> Good God she is OUT OF CONTROL. Way over the line. This is betrayal of the first rank, ESPECIALLY with her complaints about not having enough money.
> 
> This is disordered thinking. Lost her freaking mind. Look at how much money she is spending, then figure out how much you have to earn pre-tax with the social security tax, income tax, work-related expenses and etc. in order to fund this insanity.
> 
> ...


It's insane. ... tired.


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