# What do I do?



## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Ok my wife had an affair just over 12 months ago. She is suffering from depression, sees a psychologist and is on Meds.

We have been married 7 years. 2 Beautiful intelligent, happy children.

Everyday is a constant battle with her, she is never happy with anything, always criticising others, me sometimes, included.

She does not feel comfortable with herself, always saying she needs things done to her personally to make herself feel better, i.e/ plastic surgery, breast enlargements etc etc.

She gets jealous when I do things for myself, i.e/ go out, play sport have contact with other females etc.

She went out last week got really drunk and started texting the guy around the corner. Mind you he didn't want to have a part in it out of respect to me and I found out. 

Long story short I have confronted her in a serious way to get out of our house. She cried but to be honest with you she doesn't seem very remorseful about it.

I had a conversation with her last night about how I believe she does what she does because she craves attention.

She agrees with this. 
She believes to stop what she does she wont go out anymore. 

My wife has turned into a totally different person to the person I married. 

I am trying to deal with this but It is quickly wearing me down.

If I didn't have children with her I would have packed her bag for her the other night and thrown her out on the street. 

She hasn't had to work in 6 years. And is a great mom to my children.

She knows I love her dearly and care for her more then she cares for me but she doesn't seem to want to make the effort to make it all work. 

Ok what are the signs, either she's over me and is to afraid to tell me or her mental problems are resurfacing with all the attention seeking business.

Please help.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

"She cried but to be honest with you she doesn't seem very remorseful about it."

"If I didn't have children with her I would have packed her bag for her the other night and thrown her out on the street."

"She knows I love her dearly and care for her more then she cares for me but she doesn't seem to want to make the effort to make it all work."

You sound like you are keeping score. Not a score between her and you, but a score between her and the wife you think she should be. You are not really married to her, and she is probly not married to you. You both sound like you are married to a fantasy and are constantly disapointed because your real life partner is not living up to the fantasy you think you deserve. 

You both need a reality check. Your wife needs more attention and she is convinced she cant get it from you. Why? Because you dont think your wife should need more atention, so you give her accusations instead of attention. You think you can do better so your really not to caught up in her problems as long as shes a good mother to your kids. The sad fact is you are wrong, there is nothing better than her even with all her problems because she is the only mother your kids are ever going to love, she gave you the only truely important thing in your life, your family.

You better wake up and start treating her like she is holding your world on her shoulders every day and start looking for a way to take soime of the burden off her. Get more involved in her life, take her to work out with you, let her pick an activity for you both and give it your full attention, set time aside at the end of the day to just hold her in your arms and listen to her.

Attention seeking is not her problem, its yours. That is our job as husbands to fill our wives up with attention, whatever kind of attention they want, and as much as they want of it. When we dont our relationship becomes weak, and a woman in a weak realationship is easier pickings for opportunistic men that single ladies. Listen to her, then dont ask questions and give it to her.

P.S. Either go out to the bar together or dont go out at all.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Ouch Gomez!
mrnice - I can relate to the 'if there were no kids in the picture' element. Honestly, my H is the one who had the affair & threatened to leave after he completely humbled himself by divulging many indecencies. I still sometimes wonder if he truly is 'more in love with me now then ever' like he says, OR if he's faking it for the kids. I in the meantime am jello, just going day by day.

For you, I would go ahead and think about your relationship outside of the kids. What unease is developed in your relationship is simply the gift life gives your kids. There are many many kids out there living in really troubled families - and many living without or with broken families. It is a very unfortunate element in our times. You can't fix your relationship if its FOR someone else. It has to be fixed FOR YOU. For you and the person you are married to. 

Very simply - should you or should you not be married to that person - YOU, not your kids. Get clarity on THIS first. THEN decide what is best for the kids. If staying in a tough relationship because you want the kids to be with you both, then stop fretting and just make your situation the best it can be - for everyone's sake. But trust me, if you don't want to be there - THAT will come through loud and clear to your kids eventually.

Go to couple's therapy. It gives her attention - and you'll get some answers.
I wish the best for you.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

stillINshock said:


> Ouch Gomez!
> mrnice - I can relate to the 'if there were no kids in the picture' element. Honestly, my H is the one who had the affair & threatened to leave after he completely humbled himself by divulging many indecencies. I still sometimes wonder if he truly is 'more in love with me now then ever' like he says, OR if he's faking it for the kids. I in the meantime am jello, just going day by day.
> 
> For you, I would go ahead and think about your relationship outside of the kids. What unease is developed in your relationship is simply the gift life gives your kids. There are many many kids out there living in really troubled families - and many living without or with broken families. It is a very unfortunate element in our times. You can't fix your relationship if its FOR someone else. It has to be fixed FOR YOU. For you and the person you are married to.
> ...



Thank you and as for Gomez, I know why you hammerred me the way you did, and I accept it, but I didn't feed you the full story. But I do believe that with what some of you said could be correct and I thank you for the reality check.

What I failed to mention is that my wife demands sex every night, that's right EVERY SINGLE NIGHT she demands total attention the majority of the time and If she doesn't get it, she becomes closed off and depressed.

A man is not a machine, of which I know you will agree with me on this.

My wife gets more attention then most wives I know. I know this for a fact. I watch and learn from others on how not to treat your wives. I also ask questions to satisfy it, not just being my fault.

I have sacrificed playing a year of sport in attempts to satisfy her craving for attention.
For some time I had no other hobbies in attempts to satisfy her attention needs. 
Only just recently have I taken up sport again and hobbies. 

One thing I never do is wear my wedding ring, I cannot, I hate jewellery on my fingers. She accepted this when we got married.

A lot of females will ask if I'm married, I will tell them,
"Yes I am happily married, with a beautiful wife whom I love very much"
standard response, "She's a lucky girl"

Hope that tidies up some of the story I left out.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Stillinshock, Yes I can relate to the Jello thing.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Ok I took gomez's advice and hoped that in some things he was right, so therefore I tested it out last night to see if she was wanting to stray because I wasn't giving her much attention. 
I wrote a list of my wants in our relationship which will make me attracted to her. And by the looks of things I may have well worked.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Ok mrnice I may have been a little rough on you. I have a bad habit of projection wherein I think other people have the same issues I do, then I make assumptions and give advice based on that assumption.

Now that I have said that I am goin to do it again  I first came here wanting to complain about my wife and what she had put me through even though we had pretty much healed ourselves by the time I had been through all the other affair/broken marriage stuff on the web and found this sight. The thing I stay here to share is this : You cant change your spouse, but you can change yourself.

This is why I went off on you like I did, you seemed to be wanting advice on how to tell if she would cheat on you, or if her crap was worth putting up with. I think those are both the wrong questions. The real question is "What can I do to change the path we seem to be on?" and the awnser requires that we start acting differently. Your situation will not change if you think you can keep doin what it is you are doing right now. There are things you do that you must stop, there are things you dont do that you must start doing. Exactly what those things are requires you stepping back from the situation and getting some perspective. 

Introspection. Know yourself. Then look at yourself from your spouses point of view and think about how she reacts to your actions and what that means about how what you do makes her feel. It doesn't matter how you intend it, it matters how she recives it. Try to adjust your behavior so that she actually recieves what you intend to send.

I will tell you that I thought I was a great husband to my wife, until I really thought about how some things that I thought I could get away with, that I thought she didn't mind letting me get away with, were really making her feel and then I finally understood why she was acting the way she was. I also understood that it was within my power to change what I did, and thus it was within my power to change the way she was feeling. 

My wife is bipolar and my actions can have an exaggerated effect on her mood, so I take it as my responsibility to keep her in a good mood and not throw a fit with no regaurd to what effect it will have on her. That doesn't mean I bottle things up and pamper her, it just means I let her know that it is not about her when I do act out. If she knows what is going on with me then she can understand and help me, instead of becomming anxious and confused.

Really though, lots of sex? That was your problem? I understand that she seems to want an insane amount of attention from you, but I think thats because you have not found the right kind of attention to give her yet. You may think you devote alot of time to her, but that is not really the point. You need to find out how she is going to feel like she is getting enough attention from you. For my wife, I hate to say this, but it took alot of money. I spent about $400 on lingerie for valentines so she would feel sexy in the bedroom with me, then I spent another $500 on mothersday for a day at the spa getting waxed and manicured and dyeing her hair, then getting her some new clothes. then we started dateing again, going out to movies and dinners, and somewhere along the way she turned to me and said "I never really felt like I was your wife before, like I was one step behind you, but now I finally feel like I should be on your arm, next to you."


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Gomez said:


> Ok mrnice I may have been a little rough on you. I have a bad habit of projection wherein I think other people have the same issues I do, then I make assumptions and give advice based on that assumption.
> 
> Now that I have said that I am goin to do it again  I first came here wanting to complain about my wife and what she had put me through even though we had pretty much healed ourselves by the time I had been through all the other affair/broken marriage stuff on the web and found this sight. The thing I stay here to share is this : You cant change your spouse, but you can change yourself.
> 
> ...



Dude you know what, that is the best advice i have ever received about ANYTHING. 
Unbelievable. 
Awesome, i think they should make this advice available to all blokes. The fact that your wife is bi-polar and you managed to work this all out yourself is quite amazing. Cause most people would just say "F**K this, I don't need this in my life" and move on.
Great.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

:smthumbup: Awesome Gomez. Putting aside my pride, giving loving gestures even if a painful flashback hits me, allowing myself to make him feel good. This is hard stuff when the hurt is so strong. But, as long as I'm going to stay in it - which might just be forever - doing these things from the soul and putting the ego aside really does go a long way.
Thanks for sharing Gomez.


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## dmcneilan (Aug 15, 2009)

wish i could hear that one time from my husband. she is indeed a lucky lady


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## dmcneilan (Aug 15, 2009)

gomez,
way to go i am truely jealous i wish my husband could see this and react the same way towards me and our marriage. i appaude you for saying that you came here to vent about your wife and ended up honoring her. take love and time always with her.


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