# Moving out, need reassurance...



## lovingmy2boys (Aug 27, 2010)

Sorry for the repost, but I wasn't getting much response. 

So, I have been married for almost 11 years, and been miserable since about year 2. I had a whirlwind romance and didn't get to know my H very well until we were well married and living together. After that, I regretted marrying him, yet didn't want to quit/afraid to quit. My H is very controlling/manipulating and needs to win every argument/be right. He's a bully and will yell, push or poke his way to be right. He's pushed me, punched my leg, poked the S**T out of my shoulder/arms sometimes, and calls me names. He's thrown stuff and hits objects to make a point when he's angry.

We have two children together (2 and 4.5 YO). He gets mad at them and yells in their face and hits them (he's slapped the back of their heads, spanked them repeatedly, dragged my son by his arm, pushed them down hard, kicked my son, etc.) . He calls them names (little sh*t, mother f**ker) when he's mad at them...even for accidents like jumping on him (when jumping around) or spilling food/drink, or having pee accidents.

He is a poor father. He only plays with them on his schedule (when its convenient to him), after he's done whatever selfish activity he wants to do first. He'll watch TV or surf the internet and expect them to watch along with him (even if it's violent/inappropriate).

He has huge expectations of them and me...and when those aren't met, he gets mad. He'll get mad if I look at him wrong or say something with the wrong tone...very defensive.

I haven't been in love with him for a long time and actually feel like we were only in "lust" ...not love. I'm scared of him and I feel like I walk on eggshells. My younger son doesn't like it when he holds him and squirms, etc when he tries to hold them... I could go on and on, but I'll just stop here.

I've decided to leave. I hired a lawyer and signed Divorce paperwork on Tuesday. He's going to be served on Monday with papers with a grounds of "cruelty". I'm really worried about how he'll react. I'm planning on moving out and taking the kids away to a safe place.

My therapist suggested that I call him after I'm out and safe to tell him what's happened, but even that is scary / too hard for me. I know it would take the sting out of the news, but I don't think I could do it.

Any advice? I just need reassurance. It's so hard to keep it a secret and not say anything to anyone (friends, etc.). And it's hard when H does nice things (like play with the kids and stuff),...

I think he knows that we're not a happy couple, but I think the whole leaving while he's at work and filing under "cruelty" grounds will really piss him off..

Help~!


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## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

Well, you know it will probably get ugly when you leave and file, but it has to be done. It would be worse if you stood up to him and tried to walk out with him there. He sounds like an abuser, and usually those types threaten to keep your kids, or try to kill you or something. I'm not trying to scare you, but leaving secretively in your case is a good thing. Scary people aren't rational and you can't reason with them.

Keep reminding yourself why you're going. Don't let your heart get soft on you. Replay in your head all those scenes where he yelled at or poked or pushed you. Replay all those terrible things he's done to your kids so they don't even like him now. That will give you strength to go and stay gone.

I left someone a year ago very much like what you describe. I don't have children but I can relate to what you're going through. Things will be hard when you leave for a while but eventually it will be a better, healthier life for you and your children.

I wish you all the best.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

You are doing the right thing. He not just abusing you,he is abusing the kids physically and emotionally. I would not say a word to anyone.
You do not need to talk to him before he is served. Did you make sure that if he gets visitation with the kids,it is supervised? He does not deserve to have the sting taken out of the situation. He is an abuser, he would manipulate, and threaten to get you to come back or let him see the kids. 
Your first priority is you and the kids. You need to make sure you are safe at all times. Even when you are by yourself,have someone walk you to your car,make sure you change your number and give only your parents the number. Make sure you notify sitters and schools that he does not have permission and that he has abused the kids so they notify the proper staff. Never assume. You are safe. He will not be thinking clearly,and will go to great lengths to find you and get you to come back.including trying to get the kids so you will come back.
Good luck,you are in my prayers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I applaud your courage and your commitment to your precious children. You have spent far too long married to a monster. Make no mistake, that is EXACTLY what he is - an inhuman, vicious, horrible monster. 

Tamara is right: you MUST absolutely guard your safety and security, and that of your children. No one else will do this for you. There is no reliable government agency that will do this, and don't fall into the trap of thinking that there is. You are proving to yourself right now that you are stronger, tougher, and more resilient than you ever knew yourself to be. Now, you must also be profoundly vigilant. Find friends or family members you know you can absolutely trust and work with them to keep you and your children safe. 

Remember also that your soon to be ex-husband can be counted on to come crawling back to you with a story of how much he has changed, how he has seen the error of his ways, how much he loves you and the kids, and how he wants to be a better husband, father, and man. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. DO NOT FALL FOR IT! Not next week, not next month, not next year, not EVER. Get out, stay out, and never look back.

I'll say it again with all the sincerity in my heart: I really and truly admire your courage and your commitment to your kids. Good luck. You will be in my thoughts, I promise you.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*Reassurance offered*

I admire your decision to leave, and hope your husband, soon ex husband, never sees you or your kids again. Please keep your cell phone handy and ready to dial 911 if he shows up unexpectedly. Get a restraining order, it may help get police moving quickly.

Men who hit, slap & abuse their wives and children are among the lowest of the low.

Mark


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There is NO WAY IN H&LL I would let such a man be around my children.

And if you read abuse books, you'll see that leaving when he's gone is the ONE way that is recommended. It is for your safety and your kids' safety. Deal with him later. After you're safely gone and on new grounds.


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## lovingmy2boys (Aug 27, 2010)

Hi,

So the move day was successful. He was served and I was able to move out some of my stuff and get away with the kids safely. My anxiety is lessened now, and I'm happy to be in a safe place with them. 

He reacted pretty calmly/depressed like. He cried a lot. He called my phone a lot looking to find out "why" and saying that he didn't understand and that he loves me so much, etc.

He had a friend of his call me and ask me to give him another chance..that he'll go to therapy and "change" and I ended up ending that conversation (hanging up) when she wouldn't listen to me talk...

I'm not sure what's going to happen now, but I can't return until I feel safer now.

He said that he knows he has an anger issue, but he wants to work on it and I didn't give him a chance to work on the marriage...I'm not giving in to him.

Thanks for all your words of encouragement...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm so glad! I just know you are going to have a whole new world of happiness - for you and your kids.


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