# Discovered wife is still in contact with OM, need divorce advice



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hello everyone. What I'm about to ask is for another chat room, but I know many of you vets have been through divorce, so I thought I'd ask here too. Some of you know my story. My wife cheated on me. The affair lasted about 6 months. I tried to "win her back" during this time by being Mr. Niceguy. Never worked. She moved up North to "work on herself". The last time we had MC (back in late August) that she had no intentions of working on the marriage and I said that I had almost nothing left. That I did want to save the marriage, but my "drive" was so diminished there was about a drop left.
She is now looking for work there and is currently visiting the kids and I down here. I've been contemplating divorce for the last month. I have let go so to speak. But the "nice guy" part of me was hesitant to divorce because of 2 reasons.
1. Was she really just working on getting out of her fog and depression? Was I pulling the trigger(D) just a bit too prematurely?
2. If she's still depressed (she is), will the divorce driver her over the edge to commit suicide. This is did not want to happen to her.
However, over the weekend I discovered her phone she left behind at my house and I almost never thought of checking. Until the phone received a call. It was no one important, but it was unlocked and I discovered 2 things:
1. She's part of a singles meet-up group and has already started hanging out with some dude.
2. She has been chatting with OM again.
So, despite all this newly discovered BS, I still want to exit this marriage with class on my own accord despite my wife's current actions. I have not brought it up with her so she has no idea I know.
How do I bring up divorce and discuss it? How do I handle such a touchy, important subject?


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

In your case you don't discuss the divorce , you have her served , then you discuss the agreement via your lawyer. Why would you give her heads up to prepare especially since you should be asking for sole custody of your children .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It's understandable you want to be a classy guy but when it comes to divorce, classy gets eaten for lunch. You have the children and will have to prove that you are the primary care giver in order to get custody and child support from your stbxw. Go to *Dad's Divorce* and read up. You may be surprised at some of the things that we men do that sabotage our chances for a fair marital dissolution.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She is already out of the house and the marriage and the kids daily lives. You don't need to talk you need to file and have her served. As you can clearly see the only person who is still married here is you. I'm not trying to be mean, I want you to see that the path before you is clear at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Please do take Morituri's advice and check that dadsdivorce forum.
Extremely important information can be gleaned from that.
All of TX family codes are published online so you can know what the standard orders are.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Houstondad, with regards to divorce, you are in an enviable position. You have proof of adultery, she abandoned you and the kids and the marital home and is living single in another state. You have already tried to work on the marriage, you tried to win her back. You should know this never works. How many times do you have to be told this? She's done with the marriage and only wants to be a part time mom, and definitely not your wife.

How do you bring up this subject? This is a no brainer. File and have her served. Just curious, how many more threads do you need to create about this? You've been given basically the same advice over and over again. You need to protect yourself and your children now.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I had a chance to check out the dad's divorce website. Excellent so far. And the book on the Top 10 mistakes men make is a book I plan to purchase tonight. 
Funny how just before the phone discovery, her brother (who is on my side) and I discussed his sisters' intentions. Why she is being so nice to me while she's in town? It sounds like she is using me as Plan B (orC) if the OM or guys she is dating do not work out.
The other possibility is that she know divorce is inevitable. She has wanted this all along, but doesn't want to appear to be the bad guy in all of this. So it's basically waiting for me to throw in the towel and be that guy. And being nice is just to minimize the damage in court since she royally messed up.


----------



## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

You hire a divorce lawyer, and you discuss this with your lawyer, and you have her served.

You don't discuss your legal strategy with the person you will be suing. There's a "vs" between your names on the lawsuit for a reason.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You have "Discussed" the situation with her enough. First off, since because you never stood up for yourself before with her, you have no credibility.......that's right ZERO credibility. So discuss as much as you want. She won't change, because you have taught her over and over again, that she doesn't have to. You want to exit the marriage with class. Class seems like a cheap substitute for self respect.

You ask how to bring up the discussion. My advice is get to your lawyer. File for divorce. Then have her served. End of discussion.
Or you can continue YOUR fantasy, and YOUR fog.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She has wanted divorce all along? And how would this make you the bad guy? Just because you are the one to file? You mean after all she's done (affairs, abandoning you and the children, moving out of state), you actually thing you would be the bad guy? Seriously?


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I know I'm not the bad guy, but if this is her plan it's to make me look bad to our kids. I know I'm the good guy in all this and when the kids are old enough and when the time is right , they will know the truth in all this. She never came out and said she wants a divorce, but it's her actions that seem to confirm this. I'm glad I found the info on her phone about her continued infidelity. It confirms what I've been questioning or second-guessing.


----------



## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I don't know how old your kids are, but if their Mom is living out of State, I doubt they'll see you as the bad guy for filing for divorce.

The day your wife is served, sit your kids down and tell them you're filing for divorce. I'm sure there are plenty of websites or books that can help you find the right words, but telling them an age appropriate truth will go a long way in helping them cope with the situation. A divorce lawyer might have some suggestions or links to help you prepare.

You're already living as a single parent, so it's time to make it official. Focus on doing what's best for your kids, giving them stability by ending the limbo of your questionable marital status. If all goes well with custody, their lives will not change much than what they're living already.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Just before you have her served, or after the paper is served, sit down with your kids and have an honest talk with them. Tell them the truth. Tell them their mother has found other men and has left this marriage. Explain to them why that's wrong. Explain to them the new reality.

They are now used to not having their mother around and the next step, divorce, may be easier for them.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> I had a chance to check out the dad's divorce website. Excellent so far. And the book on the Top 10 mistakes men make is a book I plan to purchase tonight.
> Funny how just before the phone discovery, her brother (who is on my side) and I discussed his sisters' intentions. Why she is being so nice to me while she's in town? It sounds like she is using me as Plan B (orC) if the OM or guys she is dating do not work out.
> The other possibility is that she know divorce is inevitable. She has wanted this all along, but doesn't want to appear to be the bad guy in all of this. So it's basically waiting for me to throw in the towel and be that guy. And being nice is just to minimize the damage in court since she royally messed up.


I would not put too much stock in Plan B, C, D .... Besides being unhealthy for you mentally to ecen think about that, it seems that with her moving away that you are not in her long term plans at all. Go with that. She is already single in her actions. When seh is ready she may challenge you for custody. Especially if she can nail down your replacement.

She is living in an open marriage right now and if you are still providing some support for her she is just cake eating. Why would she not be nice to you?


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Houstondad- Everyone here has some great advice that is useful to 99% of people with cheating spouses. Unfortunately, you are in the other 1%.

Here is what you need to do.

1) Continue to postpone filing for divorce. Justify it as necessary, but remember that it MIGHT hurt your wife's feelings to get served, and that must not happen.

2) Endlessly over-analyze anything she says or does, towards figuring out which way, no matter how unlikely, suggests that she still wants to be with you.

3) Be sure and make a new thread on here every time there is a new development, so that everyone can give you advice that you will ignore.

4) Make sure that she understands that if she sees other men, it will hurt you greatly and have no consequences for her whatsoever.

Doing these 4 simple things will insure that you make zero progress in your relationship (which doesn't actually exist any more, except in your head).


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> Houstondad- Everyone here has some great advice that is useful to 99% of people with cheating spouses. Unfortunately, you are in the other 1%.
> 
> Here is what you need to do.
> 
> ...



You know, sometimes presenting a reverse picture may just work...


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

aug said:


> You know, sometimes presenting a reverse picture may just work...


I did that in HD's parallel thread this morning.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get a lawyer and file for divorce and have her served.


----------



## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> Houstondad- Everyone here has some great advice that is useful to 99% of people with cheating spouses. Unfortunately, you are in the other 1%.
> 
> Here is what you need to do.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Dude, she's been gone for quite a while. Sorry to be rude, but it's time to play in reality now.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> So, despite all this newly discovered BS, I still want to exit this marriage with class on my own accord despite my wife's current actions. I have not brought it up with her so she has no idea I know.
> How do I bring up divorce and discuss it? How do I handle such a touchy, important subject?


So clearly you know what has to be done. And I get wanting to do it with class and not sink to the level that she has in all of this. 

To do that, like the others have said, you first have to get over the idea of you being the "bad guy" in this. This is a natural consequence, a natural ending to what has been going on for a very long time now--not a punishment and not a vengeance. It's you doing what needs to happen to provide closure for you and your girls and boundaries for your STBXW. 

Then, you keep doing what you've been doing. Limit your interaction with her, but allow her to have supervised interaction with the kids. Unless she's somehow been inappropriate with them, there's no reason at this point for that to change, but I'd keep an eye on what she's saying to them.

I'd get a lawyer right away and let them handle the paperwork, the service and the communication. Ask for what's _right_--primary custody, the mandated child support for your kids and financial situation, etc. If she "can't afford" it, then she needs to step up as a parent and figure out a way to afford it. If the situation were reversed, would she back off? Would you expect her to? 

When she tries to contact you about it and play on your sympathy, fight, threaten etc., keep your boundaries and refer her to your lawyer. 

Handling this with class is going to mean refusing to play at her level and make this a personal fight. If everything goes smoothly and civilly, then that's great. That would be the ideal outcome, but if it doesn't happen you have to just remember that marvelous quote from Steel Magnolias:

"Never wrestle with a pig....you both get dirty and the pig likes it"


----------

