# Ladies, please help, have issue/concern over wife and her daughters and me as stepdad



## Janner (Dec 16, 2009)

Here's the deal, in short...

My wife has two great children, and I have two. There are three girls and they live with us. Recently my wife moved out - see my other threads for details.

Her daughters seem to have an unhealthy hold over their mother and seem to be exploiting it every chance they get. The oldest, 15, told her mom - because her mother asked ... and I can't even believe she asked - what she wanted and OF COURSE the 15 year old (who is spoiled) said they liked it just the three of them ... which means without me. What I am having a hard time with is how much weight I fear my wife is putting in to those statements. My wife told me that if her oldest daughter didn't want her to date then she wouldn't - not sure if that means me or just in general. The other daughter, the 11 year old, only wants to live next to her grandparents... and honestly would sell everyone down the river to get that.... but, I understand to a point - she is 11. I also understand the 15 year old (we have all been together now since 2005) and yes she is a sweet girl but she is also needy, demanding and very spoiled - not for material things but for her mother and relatives doting on her and having her desires served. If she (15) doesnt get what she wants, she pouts. Now the funny thing is when this happens it does not affect my wife. So....

Why in the hell (pls pardon) is my wife letting her children influence her love life and her life with her husband. I understand the maternal issue here, but I have known other women with strong maternal instincts and they have been able to keep things in perspective. This does not seem natural. Being a good mom is a good thing, but letting your children decide your happiness?

Janner


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I have 4 kids, the three oldest are boys. My oldest was 15 when their dad and I separated. He was furious with me for ending my relationship with his father (the opposite of your situation I guess). He thought I should have stayed with his father to make his life easier. He didn't care that I'd been unhappy for years. It was all about his happiness. That was all that mattered to him at the time.

When my second oldest was 15, his dad and I were in court again over visitation and child support. He had said that he didn't even want to go to his dad's any more. His dad started giving him everything he wanted, and let him do whatever he wanted. All of a sudden he wanted to live with his dad. He told me "I just want to do whatever I want to do". I had to point out that he was probably as close to that as he was ever going to be.

I am not an expert on children by any means. I do think that some teenagers tend to focus only on themselves. They don't take the time to stop and think about other people as much. I even remember being rather that way when I was a teenager.

To make things worse, leading up to the divorce, and during the process, I tried to compensate for it all by spoiling my kids. I see that now, didn't at the time. Boy did the kids run with that one! Big mistake. 

I think that maybe your wife feels bad about the upheaval in her kids lives and is trying to compensate for it. (she probably doesn't even realize what she is doing) Your wife is just trying to make the kids happy, even though she is not doing them any favors by spoiling them. The 15 year old is getting spoiled and sees you as trying to put an end to it. If mom puts energy into you then she's not putting all of her energy into me (the 15 year old) any more.


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