# I caught my husband on the phone with another woman



## bwife (Jul 22, 2010)

I just found out that my husband has been having an affair with the same woman for a year. I'm crushed. He took a sick day off and I was in the bedroom trying to nap, and I heard him on the phone. He was whispering, I thought that was strange and picked up the extension. He was talking to a woman.

I can't remember too much about the conversation but from what was said, they've been breaking up and getting back together for a whole year. Apparently, she had emailed him asking to meet and talk in person, and I think I caught them in the beginning of the conversation, because this is what I heard (there was more, but this is what I can remember):

Him: " I'm going to be out of town next week for 3 days... can it wait until I get back?"

Her: "Yeah, it can wait."

Him: "What's wrong? Am I in trouble? Let's talk about it, maybe I can make you feel better, answer questions... Just talk to me."

Her: "I've just been feeling weird about this, since the last time we had sex. This isn't easy for me the way it is for you. And I'm always the one looking for you to get this going, I don't think we see each other enough."

Him: "I know, I would see you every day, if I could, but work has been crazy. You know that I can only see you during the day, and only when I can get out of the office. That hasn't happened lately" (and then goes on to tell her everything that he's been dealing with at work, then talk about how "incredible" she is)

Her: "I understand, but this is barely happening. And I keep waiting to hear from you, and that upsets me. I think we need to end this."

Him: "If this is upsetting to you, then I agree. I don't see my schedule changing and I think I set up the wrong expectations for you. We've been doing this for a year now but my life is nonstop busy. I'm the breadwinner, there are a lot of people losing their jobs here, I can't just leave the office in the middle of the day for 3 or 4 hours..."

Then I don't remember what came next, but at some point he said "I want this to be fun for us, I don't want to get into any of the emotional stuff... because that's when you get in trouble..." and she said "I don't want that either, I think I'm the one who said that first, that this should be only about sex. But if this isn't happening, then what's the point?".

He goes on to say that he means her no harm, starts talking dirty... She doesn't engage him, and he actually stops. He respected her wish, which doesn't sound like him at all. He seemed very careful about her feelings the whole time, which killed me. He's not usually like that.

Then he changed his story and asked her to pick up the conversation once he gets back from his trip. She said "So, this is it?" and he went "No, I want us to talk about this when I get back...".

My question is, I thought it was strange that he brought up "emotional stuff", or feelings. They weren't on that subject at all, from what I recall. It came from him.

Could that mean that he's been trying to keep it only sexual but has feelings for her anyway? Does this sound like a fling only?

My head is spinning right now, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to grasp if this is something serious or not. I never thought he could do this to me. If any of you have some insight, please share.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Take a deep breath. Write on this forum anything you want to, just vent ..

First things, does he know you heard his call?

Have you said anything to him?

If he does know, keep your distance until you can think clearly, I even suggest you get him to move out give you time to think.. .No screaming, no emotional outburst just cold clinical approach..
. 
If he does not know: Here goes….

If you have kids protect them from the pain, see if your phone records the number she called from (or he called her from) and make a note…check your financial position 

when you are in a good state advise him you know of his affair, give no evidence just stick to that statement.. He will deny all; lie till he is blue in the face he may even try to get some information out of you. Do not engage in further conversation with him 

Approach: Kids are in bed (assuming you have kids)

Tell husband you know of the affair and you want him to leave the house book into a hotel or stay with friends. You want your distance to think things through, give no timeline as to how long you want him out. Do not engage in further conversation with him

If he declines to move, he sleeps on the couch or spare room– not in your marital bed. 

When you are ready come back and post here, there are plans to recover this and guidance as to what to do next… 

Thoughts are with you


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Bwife, sad to hear of your dilema. It is a very hard time to get through for sure but there are many great people on here who are very helpful. Listen to what Wisp just posted for sure. Also, look at the threads started by cfm and jar. I am not the only one's threads are also good to read through so you know kind of how these things unfold.

Times will be crazy for a while with rollercoaster emotions, anger, pain, frustration, depression and a litany of emotions. Do not let them make your decisions. IF you read the threads I listed, you will be able to see how these develop and can be dealt with.

Good Luck B,

Q~


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't tell him to move out. You can't resolve your marriage that way. Tell him to stop the affair immediately. Tell him he will have to write her a No Contact letter that YOU will send, he will hand over his phone and computer whenever you ask to see them, he will not have passwords on them that prevent you from looking, and you will both enter into some sort of counseling where you can discuss this fairly and productively. 

If you don't take a hard fast stand on this, he will only hide it better.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Is it serious...HELL YES!!

Why he's putting your marriage in jeopardy, I don't know. What problems you and your H have in your marriage, you didn't write. Whatever issues you may have with each other that is no excuse for what he's doing.

First, tell him you know about the affair. Tell him you want to save your marriage and that the first step is in ending the affair. That means NO CONTACT. Hopefully, once he knows you know he will be remorseful. That's not a guarantee though, my wife was not very remorseful and had me on the defensive very quick and I was so weak that I let her. Don't take any crap but do listen to what he has to say about why the affair took place. There's something wrong in your marriage and you need to fix that.

BUT, as said, stop the affair...the last thing you need is him hiding it better and you slipping further into anxiety.


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## bwife (Jul 22, 2010)

Thank you all for your suggestions. I've taken note of each and every one. I am remaining calm.

I am curious, though, because I can't seem to wrap my head around this. What in his behavior shows you that this is serious?

Edit: he does not know I heard his call. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I said nothing.

I just remembered that he also said that not seeing each other very often is "not fair" to HER. Why is he so concerned about her feelings, if this is only about sex? Maybe it's not?


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

bwife said:


> I am curious, though, because I can't seem to wrap my head around this. What in his behavior shows you that this is serious?


I am confused by your questions. Are you implying that..if this is a "fling", then it is ok?

For me:
EVERYTHING he did, from sneaking on the phone to another woman-to having sex-ALL of it is serious harm to your marriage.


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

I agree you need to confront your H---

BUT FIRST:

gather concrete evidence---he may deny everything, and immediately cover up any tracks he may have left.

For your own peace of mind, and your own protection, in case you end up in a court battle, you're going to need hard evidence, check his emails, his texts, phone history. Make extra copies, and store them someplace safe.

Stop putting any of your money into joint funds, as well.

THEN confront him, after you've protected yourself.


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## bwife (Jul 22, 2010)

No, it's not okay. But, right now, it is REALLY important to me to GUESS on whether or not he has feelings for this woman.

I know it shouldn't matter, but it will matter for a little while, and that's how I feel. He just sounded SO considerate of her feelings, and so willing to talk things out, which is so unlike him.

When a man acts like that towards a mistress, can she be just sex?


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

bwife said:


> ...When a man acts like that towards a mistress, can she be just sex?


If he didn't act like this towards her he probably wouldn't be getting sex...


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

Why is your first concern , whether or not he has feelings for the OW?

That's not the point, the important thing is, what do YOU plan to do about this discovery?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Only one who will know is your husband.

I guess he was just getting a kick out of it - sex with another woman, giving him some excitement as he is cheating.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

There obviously has to be some feelings there as they've been together "on and off" for a year now. That's a long time and that is a relationship - not just a meaningless one night stand.

Turnera is right. If you want to keep your marriage, you need to keep him close. But only if he agrees to immediately cut ALL ties with this other woman.

He's probably the more "REAL" person around you, and he is acting out a role with her "The concerned lover". Don't read too much into that. You are the one that has his children and lives in the real world with him and is the one that gets the not enough good, too much of the bad and ugly. You are being taken for granted on the most painful of levels and that needs to end. 

Take some time to yourself to figure out how you want to present yourself to him. Address the problem, clearly state the boundaries, and stand your ground in regard to saying what you are going to do and doing what you say. 

There is no point arguing at all over this. You don't have to "prove" that you know he is having an affair, that's petty and trifling. You both know he's having an affair and simply telling him "I know your having an affair" is enough.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A lot of men, when confronted, will say "Fine! I'm moving out!" rather than admit what they did. Even if they don't want to. Remain calm and cool. Tell him you love him but you can't accept a third person, and you request that he end it NOW. If he refuses, there are other steps you can take to fight the affair. For now, go print out his phone records for the last year and put a copy away where he can't get them. Check his credit card bills and copy them as well for the hotel bills and possible gifts to her.

Then confront him.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

When I found out about my husband having an emotional affair,I found out through phone records. I found out the day I went to girl scout leader training for the day, he talked to the woman six hours and he was supposed to be watching the kids.

It was my birthday and we were supposed to go out. When he came home, I had the sitter take the kids and then I asked him to come into then den as I had a question about a bill I wanted to clear up. Then I asked him who was this number, he stated he didn't know. I could see the panic in his face, so I said lets call it and see who it is. Then he blurted everything out. 

Prior to him coming home, I called the woman. I got her voicemail so I stated Hello, I am xxxxx. My husband is xxxxx. Apparently you have been talking to my husband and calling him during work hours. I would like to know if you are having an affair with him. Please be honest as we have two kids together and I want to know the truth.


The first thing she did was call him, but he hadn't called her back so he was not aware I knew until he came home. 

The point of my story is that from the conversation, he likes a woman in charge. I would make copies as suggested above, sit him down and tell him what you know. End the affair immediatley. He catered to all she asked of him which you said was totally unlike him. Well I think you should be just as stern when you tell him and don't let him throw this back on you. His actions have consequences, if he wants to keep your marraige he needs to act.


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

From what I read there didn't seem to be any feelings there. it sounded to me that it was a sexual thing but they have not been having enough sex together so it isn't working out.

My only suggestion is that you should get yourself tested for STD's immediately and not have sex with him until you get the results. it may be that if she hasn't been getting sexually fulfilled by him, she may be getting it (and who knows what else) from some other guy.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I'm confused...would it be better aka acceptable if it is only sex? I know that it is worse if emotions become involved but at what point do you need to stop looking the other way and talk to him? Does she know that he is married? or is he a man with a busy career that just keeps him on travel and in the field alot; therefore she doesn't even know about you? Regardless, talk to him...you do not need to tell him you heard the conversation. Just let him know that you have been feeling an emotional distance lately and you need his help to understand where these feelings are coming from and how to make it go away...

I would not suggest contacting her...most of the time it only leads to more questions/confusion. The issue is between you and your husband...how he treats you and your family and the respect or lack thereof that you feel.

I confronted the other women (on the phone) and it blew up big time-ended with her telling me that he doesn't give a F*#k about me and me throwing him out of the house; we are no longer even friends.

NOTE: During the time we were together, I heard him on the phone with a woman at 4am (actually he had called 2 other women); while laying in the bed with me. When I asked him about it, he lied (I later proved it to him by showing him his phone bill).


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Are you the OW?

I ask because despite the fact that you just discovered your husband has been having an affair for about a year, you're not losing your mind, going insane, wanting to kill him or her, or wanting to kick is adulterous butt out the door...

...you want to know if he has feelings for the OW or if she's just a booty call. 

We keep directing the conversation back to saying that it isn't real love, that he is most likely using the OW to meet one or two needs while his wife meets the others at home...and maybe those one or two also. We keep directing the conversation back to saying gather evidence, confront him with proof that you know it's not "in your head" and then allow him to experience the consequences of his choices...but all YOU keep going back to is "Does he love the OW--does he care about her feelings"? I am not positive a betrayed spouse would think like this. 

So considering that you remembered every detail of the conversation, including HER SIDE of it, and considering you've revealed other details subsequent to the first post...I'm just curious if you're the OW looking for validation that this adultery is "love"--because it IS NOT LOVE.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> But, right now, it is REALLY important to me to GUESS on whether or not he has feelings for this woman.


So...guess already!

And once you finish the guessing, get busy on your marriage. You don't need other people around you to guess at anything - you can do that easily on your own. 

Get serious instead. Do something useful. It is irrelevant whether he has 'feeling' 'for' someone or not. Completely and in all ways irrelevant. _Irrelevant._ 

What _is_ relevant is that he made a vow to his wife, and that the honorable, moral, and loving thing to do is to live by those vows. Even if his feelings for her have died away - they can easily come back. His wife needs to fight for the marriage. Or leave it. Either way, that is action, rather than, preferable to, and more effective than, sitting, waiting and hoping.


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## agirl (Aug 23, 2010)

bwife said:


> I just found out that my husband has been having an affair with the same woman for a year. I'm crushed. He took a sick day off and I was in the bedroom trying to nap, and I heard him on the phone. He was whispering, I thought that was strange and picked up the extension. He was talking to a woman.
> 
> I can't remember too much about the conversation but from what was said, they've been breaking up and getting back together for a whole year. Apparently, she had emailed him asking to meet and talk in person, and I think I caught them in the beginning of the conversation, because this is what I heard (there was more, but this is what I can remember):
> 
> ...


I am that girl...It all started when i met him on patrol he is a cop. He would frequent my job, we became friends. At the time he told me he was single and pursued me. I really didnt want anything to do with him but he grew on me. We would have long conversations after work, he even came into my job to visit.This started 2007, in 2009 we started having sex for me it was getting me over the hump of my ex husband, at the time he pursued me he knew i was married and had a kid. After many phone conversations and great sex I started wondering why he wasnt so available, long story short turns out he's married, but now my feeling are invested couldnt stop after learning the news. He denied it until i dragged it out of him.We have been on & off for the last 15 months more on though.Turns out he pursued me before he was married.He got married 2008 we didnt start our fling till April 2009 it is now 2010. I've been to his house had sex in there bed when his wife is at work hes left me with his child to run errands. His wife was 1 month pregnant the first time we had sex i didnt know any of this at the time. Now hes almost 9 months. She caught him on June 16th threw a sex video he had of us in his phone you couldnt really see me i was taping it. He convinced her that it was her, she saw sexy pics also. She dragged him to get a lie detector test he passed and one day of counciling.Since being caught he is distant from me but still present just not talking every day or texting but it still isnt over. I was saying to him the same things, we dont see each other enough and he says the same things to me that ur husband says to her. Ive asked him why he cheats on his wife he said "Its a combination of being bad, me, and shes not good in bed.Hes told me he has deep feelings, and he didnt plan on falling in love with me. Now hes distant but to serve the purpose of not getting caught and i think he thinks it will help his feeling for me to fade.None the less he asked to see me this week at his house when his wife is at work hes taking a break from work. My point is they dont stop, dont be naive she has all the proof in the world and turns a blind eye to it. I feel bad doing this to her but it all started with his lies to both of us, Im weaning my self from him,but i think he would do it again if he found a willing participant because now hes a pro at cheating.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Affaircare,
My hat is tipped in your direction. You nailed it.


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## Husbandinneed (Jun 2, 2010)

I think I can understand Bwife's point of view, I just recently found out that my wife who is separated from me has started having sex with other people. It hurts, but there are so many other levels of a relationship that, if the physical level is the only level they're hurting you at, the others that they still are not hurting you on may keep you sedated enough to try to figure out how big of an issue this is.

Don't get me wrong, you can't have someone having an affair with you in your marriage, but assessing whether or not this is just sex and trying to deal with the problem on that level, versus compounding the issue by freaking out and making him start to hurt you on the other levels as well. It's different for me in that we were separated and she told me she was going to start dating others, so when she apologized and I forgave her, it was easier to do. I wouldn't suggest just forgiving him, because he is a cheater, plain and simple and if he thinks that you'll just forgive him every time, he will keep doing it. I can't give you advice on what to do because I'm not in your position, but I understand where you're coming from.


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## agirl (Aug 23, 2010)

I am that girl...It all started when i met him on patrol he is a cop. He would frequent my job, we became friends. At the time he told me he was single and pursued me. I really didnt want anything to do with him but he grew on me. We would have long conversations after work, he even came into my job to visit.This started 2007, in 2009 we started having sex for me it was getting me over the hump of my ex husband, at the time he pursued me he knew i was married and had a kid. After many phone conversations and great sex I started wondering why he wasnt so available, long story short turns out he's married, but now my feeling are invested couldnt stop after learning the news. He denied it until i dragged it out of him.We have been on & off for the last 15 months more on though.Turns out he pursued me before he was married.He got married 2008 we didnt start our fling till April 2009 it is now 2010. I've been to his house had sex in there bed when his wife is at work hes left me with his child to run errands. His wife was 1 month pregnant the first time we had sex i didnt know any of this at the time. Now hes almost 9 months. She caught him on June 16th threw a sex video he had of us in his phone you couldnt really see me i was taping it. He convinced her that it was her, she saw sexy pics also. She dragged him to get a lie detector test he passed and one day of counciling.Since being caught he is distant from me but still present just not talking every day or texting but it still isnt over. I was saying to him the same things, we dont see each other enough and he says the same things to me that ur husband says to her. Ive asked him why he cheats on his wife he said "Its a combination of being bad, me, and shes not good in bed.Hes told me he has deep feelings, and he didnt plan on falling in love with me. Now hes distant but to serve the purpose of not getting caught and i think he thinks it will help his feeling for me to fade.None the less he asked to see me this week at his house when his wife is at work hes taking a break from work. My point is they dont stop, dont be naive she has all the proof in the world and turns a blind eye to it. I feel bad doing this to her but it all started with his lies to both of us, Im weaning my self from him,but i think he would do it again if he found a willing participant because now hes a pro at cheating.


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## agirl (Aug 23, 2010)

Update...He is blowing up my phone asking me to meet him when i told him I'm done, I havent been calling or texting him and just when i'm getting over him some what, he pops up like the devil enticing me!! They smell when your happy and want to ruin it! I feel so sorry for his wife, if she ever called me and she has my number i would tell her everything but not to hurt her but to let her no the lie shes Married. It's so hard not to see him WTF!!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

" Him: "What's wrong? Am I in trouble? Let's talk about it, maybe I can make you feel better, answer questions... Just talk to me."

Him: "If this is upsetting to you, then I agree. 

"I want this to be fun for us, I don't want to get into any of the emotional stuff... because that's when you get in trouble..."

"You know that I can only see you during the day, and only when I can get out of the office."

I'm guessing your husband foolishly played around with this woman and now he'd seriously prefer to be rid of her but he knows he must be careful. He's obviously getting pressure from her for more attention. He's scared because he knows she has power over him. He doesn't want to upset her because she could cause him a world of grief at home and at the office. I believe that's why he's concerned about "emotional stuff" and "getting into trouble". If your goal is for him to end a sexual affair, I think you and he both share the same goal. Prior to your knowledge of the affair, he's apparently developed his own reasons to regret playing with this woman. Whatever he's been doing with her has been done during company time, which could mean he's at risk of being fired. He's obviously at risk of you finding out. He knows if he doesn't handle this woman right, she could basically ruin him. I think his transition from talking about her unhappiness to talking dirty to her is just deflection on his part, trying to change a difficult subject. It also could be the perv in him looking for a cheap thrill. He doesn't seem all that interested in this woman. He doesn't even expect to talk to her for 7-10 days cause he's going out of town? I would think it would be even easier for him to talk to her when he's out of town if that was what he wished to do. The woman has to email him to ask to talk to him. If they were burning up the sheets, she could just roll over and talk to him. He apparently hadn't even been accepting her phone calls.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie thread, closing down...


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