# No more sex



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I asked for sex this morning. Got turned down for "Pestering, pestering, *pestering*!" for sex.

Last time we had sex was three weeks ago. so much for ""Pestering, pestering, *pestering*!"

Our problem is that my wife has very, very bad arthritis and rheumatism and really is not physically capable of sex, much of the time.

I do not feel like asking again. Guess I'll just have to take care of myself from now on.

Sorry if this sounds like a whine. It is a whine, but there you go.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

What's wrong with her mouth?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Matt, does your W see a Rheumatologist? If not, it's worth a try because there is so much help out there these days. 

I get very cranky with my arthritic neck, but am off to a Chiropractor on Monday and have an appointment for physio, too.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

We need more info. 

How old are you guys?
How long have you been married?
When did the sex start to decline?
Is she capable of doing other physical things with her arthritis and is just using her illness as an excuse for not wanting to?

Details...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Matt, does your W see a Rheumatologist? If not, it's worth a try because there is so much help out there these days.
> 
> I get very cranky with my arthritic neck, but am off to a Chiropractor on Monday and have an appointment for physio, too.


She does, but there's little that can be done.

It really is not her fault. Making love to someone whose joints crack and creak with every movement and winces of pain during love making makes me feel like a POS.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Would you like some cheese with that whine? I am sorry Matt Matt about that, but I had to! I waited a long time to post this one!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> We need more info.
> 
> How old are you guys?
> How long have you been married?
> ...


She is in her mid 40s (I am 55) and she is less able to do many things. An excuse? Maybe.

We have been together for 23 years.

It's been getting worse for several years.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> What's wrong with her mouth?


We don't do oral. (How dare you?! We are British, dash it to heck!)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DavidWYoung said:


> Would you like some cheese with that whine? I am sorry Matt Matt about that, but I had to! I waited a long time to post this one!


I don't have cheese, David, I was circumcised.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> She does, but there's little that can be done.
> 
> It really is not her fault. Making love to someone whose joints crack and creak with every movement and winces of pain during love making makes me feel like a POS.


I'm sorry to hear your W's in so much pain, Matt. Does she have periods when it's not so bad? I ask, because I tend to have flare ups, then weeks when it isn't too bad. Depending where her arthritis is, perhaps you could find some positions that don't stress her joints too much. I don't know if you'll find this useful, but I'm attaching a link:- Sex And Arthritis - Sexuality - Intimacy - Arthritis And Love - Dating Advice

I can understand how frustrating this must be for you...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I'm sorry to hear your W's in so much pain, Matt. Does she have periods when it's not so bad? I ask, because I tend to have flare ups, then weeks when it isn't too bad. Depending where her arthritis is, perhaps you could find some positions that don't stress her joints too much. I don't know if you'll find this useful, but I'm attaching a link:- Sex And Arthritis - Sexuality - Intimacy - Arthritis And Love - Dating Advice
> 
> I can understand how frustrating this must be for you...


Thanks, Cosmos. She has periods when she is merely in agony, then it gets worse.

She has suffered all her life. When she was a little girl, she was told "It's growing pains." Useless doctors!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

mattmatt - gosh how terrible for your wife.. and in turn you.

Is your relationship kind and loving, apart from the lack of sex?
Can this be discussed and negotiated?

Is there any position that is possible/comfortable?
I'm thinking side by side (spooning)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> You know, sometimes I really have to double check myself... I started with a comment I was sure you would find funny, but then, deleted, cause DAMN! This is no funny matter, even if I think our senses of humor are similar enough that you wouldn't take it wrong!
> 
> So, with all seriousness, is she willing to try different positions that maybe don't require flexibility on her part? If she lays flat on her stomach, and you straddle her thighs, all the work is yours, and she can pretty much lay there and enjoy. Maybe put a pillow under her hips to raise them just a bit, but if she is willing to at least try, then that could help. If she is just "not in the mood" because of all the pain, then I don't know what to tell you, other than you have my sympathy, but I won't be coming to mr winkies funeral....
> 
> Ok, had to!


Thank you. That, at least, made me smile.

I think you are right. Being in constant pain does tend to kill the mood for her.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sorry to hear that man.
Arthritis can be painful...
But she is still pretty young.
Maybe she could still get help, medication etc.
IMO , she could be a bit more understanding though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Sorry to hear that man.
> Arthritis can be painful...
> But she is still pretty young.
> Maybe she could still get help, medication etc.
> IMO , she could be a bit more understanding though.


My wife doesn't always do understanding.

We had a crappy morning -she was angry (justifiably) with someone else, so took it out on me.

I went out to do a job, when I came back she was in a good mood so we went out and she insisted I spend some money on clothing for me. I have lost so much weight that none of my old clothing fits, any more!

And we had a great afternoon out. Watched some Olympics, too, when we got back.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Matt, I deal with very severe chronic neck pain. I'm a prisoner in my own body. For the last 4 years I've only gotten a day or two break from the pain when in the hospital on a pain pump of diluadid when I had a massive kidney infection and in the hospital for 6 days. It sucks. It was a life changing event. I had to learn how to accept my pain that effects me 24/7 every second of the freaking day. I do have support from my husband and a very good pain clinic along with very few friends.

However, I do not very often deny my husband sex. Actually I was ticked off at him today for his crappy attitude since he's been very stressed lately. I fully understand why he's been grumpy. We still had amazing sex twice that day.

On top of the neck, shoulder, and arm pain I have chronic migraines. These migraines stem from my neck injury.

Anyways, I am often in unbearable pain, but life must go on. I must take one day at a time and look for the positive things in life. I am starting a new hobby with my husbands full support. I truly love him and I appreciate everything he does for me. I've been stuck in bed this past entire week with unbearable pain. I almost had 2 full blown panic attacks from dealing with the pain.

I'm pretty high drive myself, but I do my best to keep the passion alive in our marriage. I love walking around naked and teasing my husband, which leads to fun in the bedroom.

My husband deserves the world. He works so dam hard for us and he truly makes sure I'm happy. Life is not perfect, but we try to make the best of it.

I do not use the excuse of my pain to abstain from sex. I hope your wife will do the same for you.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> My wife doesn't always do understanding.
> 
> We had a crappy morning -she was angry (justifiably) with someone else, so took it out on me.
> 
> ...




Hope everything works out for the better.
Try to communicate your needs to her. Tell her you understand her physical condition,and that you are willing to take it into consideration during the act.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Matt,

That sucks but at least there is some ligitamacy to her redusal. I've gone for 4 weeks or so now. No excuses!

Keep pushing the Drs. and do more searching on line for latest therapies and meds


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

no oral cause you're british? tell her to take one for the queen!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Matt, I deal with very severe chronic neck pain. I'm a prisoner in my own body. For the last 4 years I've only gotten a day or two break from the pain when in the hospital on a pain pump of diluadid when I had a massive kidney infection and in the hospital for 6 days. It sucks. It was a life changing event. I had to learn how to accept my pain that effects me 24/7 every second of the freaking day. I do have support from my husband and a very good pain clinic along with very few friends.
> 
> However, I do not very often deny my husband sex. Actually I was ticked off at him today for his crappy attitude since he's been very stressed lately. I fully understand why he's been grumpy. We still had amazing sex twice that day.
> 
> ...


You are in a bad way, sorry to hear that.

My wife has problems with her neck, her back, and every joint.

We tried making love a while back and her hip popped, and her back snapped, she said nothing but the expression of agony on her face just took the desire to have sex away from me. We spent an hour cuddling, instead. Which was nice.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Matt,
> 
> That sucks but at least there is some ligitamacy to her redusal. I've gone for 4 weeks or so now. No excuses!
> 
> Keep pushing the Drs. and do more searching on line for latest therapies and meds


Last time we tried that they damn near killed her. They KNOW that there is a very high risk of strokes in her family, so they gave her some new medication that should never have been given to her, it made her feel ill and they took her off it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> We had a crappy morning -she was angry (justifiably) with someone else, so took it out on me.


Be careful about this. She is in pain and so her actions are somewhat understandable. As the one that loves her and cares for her, you are a natural outlet. In your sympathy, there is a danger in letting her get away with things and not be responsible for her words. That is not fair to you and can really damage your relationship. You can be sympathetic while still holding her accountable regarding her treatement of you.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Have you tried in water ?

Not easy if you haven't got a handy hot tub but its wonderfully supportive


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Sorry to hear about this horrible problem affecting your marriage MattMatt. I guess I will post my rantings here. You can use enzyme therapy to seriously and drastically reduce the problem and pain. Enzyme therapy such as vitalzym. Arthritis, what happens is between late 20's and mid 30's the body's production of proteolytic enzymes slows down, and these enzymes break down proteins, fibrin, and they remove necrotic debris. Without getting too technical, enzyme therapy helps all forms of arthritis, stopping circulation of inflammation cause problems. Whereever there is pain there will be swelling and inflammation.

I can recommend a book, its called "A physicians guide to natural health products that work" by Dr. James Howenstine.

He states (my emphasis added)

"At one time in my practice, I had 5 patients with rheumatoid arthritis, which was so serious it could only be controlled with a drug called methotrexate. This drug is used primarily in chemotherapy and over long term usage there is a danger that the user will develop *cancer *because of injury to the bone marrow. Methotrexate was treating one problem and possibly *creating *another. 

One day, I read about an extract from New Zealand mussels that was effective in rheumatoid arthritis. After trying it for two months, all 5 of my patients were able to stop taking methotrexate."

Dr Howenstine wrote an article on the enzyme therapy which I wrote about. I make no money from this. Hope your situation improves in the future.


The Non-Profit Consumer Wellness Center's Amazon Shop on NaturalNews NaturalPedia - A Physician's Guide to Natural Health Products That Work


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

humanbecoming said:


> So, with all seriousness, is she willing to try different positions that maybe don't require flexibility on her part? If she lays flat on her stomach, and you straddle her thighs, all the work is yours, and she can pretty much lay there and enjoy.


Maybe try spooning? (with you laying behind her while you are both on your side). 

This places no weight on top of her, you can reach around and caress easily which can help please her.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hand job?

What IS she able to do with her medical problems? Work, clean house, hobbies, etc.?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would sugest maybe having her just hold your balls as you masterbate at least you will feel somewhat connected sexually with her. or some variation of the above use your imagination .

sorry it must be a tough spot to be in good luck


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Matt...there are many people in your situation...it does not do a marriage any good whatsoever.

Your wife clearly (and very sadly) has a terrible condition that makes sex very uncomfortable (to say the least) for her. 
I hope, that as a loving husband and partner that you do extra things for her, love and support her and give her the kind of love that SHE wants and needs.

I presume (hope!) that she loves you...she also needs to accept that you have YOUR needs....if she is unable to give you the physical love in the way she used to, then she has to widen her horizons...be it wanking you, giving you oral, carressing your balls etc. You BOTH have to adapt.

I'm afraid to say it but if she won't adapt and you get your sexual needs met elsewhere then she shouldn't be surprised.

Look at Iminlovewithmyhubby's post above. I take my hat off to that lady.
Despite all her problems, they have a (seemingly) strong and sexual marriage.

Do whatever you can to help your wife, love and cherish her....but don't forget you.

When we die, we die alone. Do you want to take your final breaths remembering her with a smile and a whole heap of love...or...feeling resentful towards her for denying you YOUR fundemental right of happiness in life?.....


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

For better or worse Matt. Why don't you lay naked with her for a while, do a lot of foreplay, and take care of yourself.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

You and your wife remind me of Iris Murdoch and John Bayley. God I hope it's not so.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's been refusing sex "for several years". Has she suffered from arthritis all those years or were there other reasons for her refusals? I'm also interested to know what physical activities she still manages to engage in?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Matt

By what you have been writing the chances of you haveing sex with your wife is slim to none. Frankly I think that Slim is dead.

If you want to be a good boy and stay with your wife then my hat is off to you. In that case maybe you can screw old lady thumb and her four daughters for the next 20-30 years. In addition you will improve your hand grip quite a bit!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I like to think out side the box so forgive me.

Whats that word that means sex with dead poeple....now wait a minute and let me finish.

maybe I should approach this in a different way. Whats the word that means sex with sleeping poeple?

I'm just saying what if you asked your wife to pretend she is a sleep? It may not be what make you tick but then again you can have sex with your wife, and she doesn't have to move.

I'm wired different then most but I think its a win win.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Has your wife looked at her diet? Often an undiagnosed intolerance to gluten (wheat, oats, some grains) can cause serious inflamation of the joints, leading to athritis symptoms.
If I eat gluten, I suffer terribly with athritic pain. It also causes issues with my thinking, my ability to cope with anything & my sleep. Our Pastor is a youngish bloke with rhematiod arthritis, he has recently gone gluten free at the suggestion of a naturapath & he says it has helped him greatly.
I do feel for you both, you are a good man to stand by your wife with her health issues & aspergers.


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## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> What's wrong with her mouth?


:rofl:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> Matt
> 
> By what you have been writing the chances of you haveing sex with your wife is slim to none. Frankly I think that Slim is dead.
> 
> If you want to be a good boy and stay with your wife then my hat is off to you. In that case maybe you can screw old lady thumb and her four daughters for the next 20-30 years. In addition you will improve your hand grip quite a bit!


New arthritis tablets. They kicked in and, on my god. I was worn out! But in a good way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> Has your wife looked at her diet? Often an undiagnosed intolerance to gluten (wheat, oats, some grains) can cause serious inflamation of the joints, leading to athritis symptoms.
> If I eat gluten, I suffer terribly with athritic pain. It also causes issues with my thinking, my ability to cope with anything & my sleep. Our Pastor is a youngish bloke with rhematiod arthritis, he has recently gone gluten free at the suggestion of a naturapath & he says it has helped him greatly.
> I do feel for you both, you are a good man to stand by your wife with her health issues & aspergers.


This does sound possible. Gluten does her no good at all.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Unless she's bedridden, she does engage in physical activity in spite of her pain. I imagine much of this activity is considerably more strenuous than that required to be intimate with one's husband. If she's unable to have sex with you, what does she do to make you feel loved? I have a theory that most of the spouses with alleged low sex drive also have low drives to do much of anything else for their partners. I expect if their sexually deprived husbands or wives were polled, most would report that their sexual withholder puts all their needs on the back burner, not merely their sexual ones. My wife allegedly "can't" have sex but she also doesn't cook, or plan meals, or notice birthdays, Valentines', Christmas, spontaneously kiss me, say "I love you" or leave other evidence that she's an active participant in a romantic relationship. THAT is a problem which can't be explained by a mere sexual dysfunction.


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