# Loves me but not sure if she is "In Love" with me



## Lost In Il (Aug 18, 2015)

First post...

Background....
We have been married for 12 years. Have 2 children, and custody of my niece so technically 3 children. While pregnant with our last child a tumor was found. In June, she had a total Hysterectomy.

I felt all was going well... We never argue, get along great I thought.. 

About 3 months ago she blows up on me that she does not think she wants to be with me any longer. No reasons given, just doesn't know what she wants.

I talked her into attending therapy together. We have been going for about 2 and a half months. Everything that has come up during therapy are what I would consider small items... Not cleaning up to her satisfaction, getting upset if she wants to stay out late with work friends.. that kind of thing. None of the major items such as abuse, drinking, adultery...

I feel our therapist is just preparing us to separate, not trying to get to the root cause and attempt to work through issues.. Just how will you share the duties.. pushing us towards separation. 

I love my wife with all my heart. I want so badly to fix what is ailing her, but do not know how or what to do. She just repeatedly says she is confused and unsure. Even when we are discussing the future one minute we will be talking about separating, then in the next minute we are back to working things out.... Then she brings up co-habiting for the sake of the kids. Staying together , but no sex or touching... I am so confused and hurt right now. I don't know where to turn or what to do. DO I leave and move on with my life and leave her to figure it out? or do I co-habitat and hope to work my way back into her heart???


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

"I love you but I am not in love with you"

is female-speak for

"I am banging another man like a storm door in a hurricane"


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Constable Odo said:


> "I love you but I am not in love with you"
> 
> is female-speak for
> 
> "I am banging another man like a storm door in a hurricane"


Agree. And "no sex or touching" while you co-habitate means, "I don't want to cheat on my lover."


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## Lost In Il (Aug 18, 2015)

That was my first thought. I have given plenty of opportunities to peacefully end this all and she isn't taking them. I have other reasons to not think that .. but don't want to put all my info up here just in case she wanders across this thread...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Lost sorry you are here.

Get two voice activated recorders one in the house and car.

Give it about a week you will get your answer.
Plus check her cell phone records.
Eyes open mouth shut.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

The fact that she is complaining about not getting to stay out late with "work friends" is doublespeak for "I'm p*ssed that you give me no space and time to hang out with the OM!"

Time to purchase a VAR.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Do you spend time together, just the two of you, each week, like going out on dates? Have your lives devolved to only focusing on kids and work with little conversation or fun for the two of you as a couple? Are all your conversations about mundane matters like who didn't clean the toilet properly? 

After 12 years, the bloom is off the rose and if you don't feed the relationship, the "in love" and "chemistry" feelings will disappear and be taken over by dissatisfaction.

Going out with and staying out late with her work friends could be one of the reasons she is feeling this dissatisfaction right now, and is one of the symptoms of how unhappy she is about her life right now. She's seeing how fun it is and probably misses being that person she was when she was younger without a husband and kids. 

She's also probably feeling some mixed emotions about herself as a woman, and as a person who had to face her own mortality, following her hysterectomy, and is trying to overcome that feeling of "I'd better live now because I have no idea when I might die." Did she get counseling after her surgery? Imagine having cancer and losing a testicle...it impacts how you see yourself and your life.

If your MC is not helping, find another one.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Look up the "standard evidence thread" by Weightlifter. It gives detailed instructions on what recorder to buy and how to secure it properly.

Tom is right. A VAR in the car will likely get you your answer in a week at the most.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Here...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Separate finances before she cleans you out. 

WHEN not IF you discover her cheating, she will be an unrecognizable stranger to you. 

Don't trust her any longer. 

Look up gas lighting and trickle truth as well so you know what you are in for. 

Do not confront or let her know you are on to her cheating. That will just make it harder to get evidence.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Also stop rewarding the idiot MC with fees for helping speed up running your marriage with your wife's charade. You will need the cash for a divorce lawyer when you catch her.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

thread the needle said:


> Also stop rewarding the idiot MC with fees for helping speed up running your marriage with your wife's charade. You will need the cash for a divorce lawyer when you catch her.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Lost In Il said:


> That was my first thought. I have given plenty of opportunities to peacefully end this all and she isn't taking them. I have other reasons to not think that .. but don't want to put all my info up here just in case she wanders across this thread...


You need to understand that at this stage (in her mind) it is not up to you to "give her opportunities to peacefully end this". It is more like she will go (to her OM) when she is sure that he is worth going to. She is testing the other branch before she lets go of this one.

She is displaying the classic signs of a cheater and you need to follow the advice given here of at the very least, being ready for it and going into stealth mode (as per Weightlifters thread) while not alerting her. A couple of VARs would be well worth the investment right now and prepare to protect your finances etc as when she is outed, she will be like an uncaged beast that you have never seen before.

Take care.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your wife just had a total hysterectomy, did they take out her ovaries as well?(that is what total is)

Because she(might) have been pushed right into menopause. Plus, the finding of a tumor, she has been thru some rough months. Plus, a small baby. Her hormones are all over the place. She has just lost what she thinks is her femininity, her ability to procreate and bear children. 

Then, the possibility of cancer, she is reviewing her life and she is worried. 

I would advice to have patience and get her some therapy and she needs to go on hormone therapy as well. 

Keep talking, let her know you are there for her. However, she must know what you are will to put up with. Like no partying all the time, with no responsibilities. She is still your wife and mother to those children. As such, she needs to behave like one.

Be kind and gentle. Don't rush for sex. She needs you more than ever. Be the supportive husband. Start taking, you might not like what you hear at this time, but listen with the ears of a friend. Keep talking, keep love in your heart and kindness in your words.

Get IC for both of you to learn to deal with this and then some MC.
Best of luck to you and your wife.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Lost In Il said:


> First post...
> 
> Background....
> We have been married for 12 years. Have 2 children, and custody of my niece so technically 3 children. While pregnant with our last child a tumor was found. In June, she had a total Hysterectomy.
> ...


As long as I am not beating her, I can ignore the rest of her concerns. Which is fine, fine... Until she wants to leave you, and you look around and go Huh? She is not a walk away wife. She has probably been telling you for years. But they weren't "major" items... to you.


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## Lost In Il (Aug 18, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> Your wife just had a total hysterectomy, did they take out her ovaries as well?(that is what total is)
> 
> Because she(might) have been pushed right into menopause. Plus, the finding of a tumor, she has been thru some rough months. Plus, a small baby. Her hormones are all over the place. She has just lost what she thinks is her femininity, her ability to procreate and bear children.
> 
> ...



Yes it was a total hysto. She is 37... I have tried to get her to speak with her DR about the possibility of hormone therapy, but she is resistant. She says she doesn't want to be on medication the rest of her life.... I really do not feel she is cheating. I have had a vAR for a month in her car. There have been no hints of anything. I also watch her phone bill... I really think it is the hormones and getting hit with her mortality. Thank your for the advice...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> The fact that she is complaining about not getting to stay out late with "work friends" is doublespeak for "I'm p*ssed that you give me no space and time to hang out with the OM!"
> 
> Time to purchase a VAR.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bingo. Someone at work has gained your W attention.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lost In Il said:


> Yes it was a total hysto. She is 37... I have tried to get her to speak with her DR about the possibility of hormone therapy, but she is resistant. She says she doesn't want to be on medication the rest of her life.... I really do not feel she is cheating. I have had a vAR for a month in her car. There have been no hints of anything. I also watch her phone bill... I really think it is the hormones and getting hit with her mortality. Thank your for the advice...


Possibility things are going on at work with coworkers. When this happens it is hard to find any evidence. 

At any rate, your W needs the hormone therapy. From my understanding, without the therapy of hormones other health issues can arise.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Lost In Il said:


> I have had a vAR for a month in her car. There have been no hints of anything. I also watch her phone bill...


You need to toss her car at 3am when she's out cold and find her burner phone.

Its also likely the OM is a coworker so she doesn't need a burner phone because she can keep contact through work, thus keeping you out of the loop.

I would GPS her car.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

There is no doubt that she's probably in at least an EA with a co-worker. Probably the reason you haven't caught on the VAR in her car is because all of the action is on their lunch break in his car. The reason she wants to cut off the sex with you is so she can be faithful to her man. The nitpicking is to demonize you. Because once she made you the bad guy, then she justified in being with OM. Basically she has to make you the bad guy so she can bang OM guilt free. 

Right now you need to continue to gather info. But since this is most likely a work place affair, it will be difficult to catch. Do you have access to her phone, email, social media? Look in her car for a burner phone. Watch your finances to make sure she's not setting family money aside in preparation for a move.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> Your wife just had a total hysterectomy, did they take out her ovaries as well?(that is what total is)
> 
> Because she(might) have been pushed right into menopause. Plus, the finding of a tumor, she has been thru some rough months. Plus, a small baby. Her hormones are all over the place. She has just lost what she thinks is her femininity, her ability to procreate and bear children.
> 
> ...



Ann,

I had the exact same thought as you did. Sounds like his wife has gone through some rough stuff the last 3 to 6 months.

The problem seems to be her reaction to her husband. Having a hysterectomy would absolutely effect one's sex drive without hormone replacement but this "no touching, no sex" cohabitation nonsense is a huge red flag IMO.

I really don't think that is the normal reaction for a woman who has had a hysterectomy or one that is going through menopause. If it were normal, you would think we would have heard about it by now. It could be that she is really emotionally confused and upset but it could also be that she is interested in someone else or a combination of the two.


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## helenbean (Aug 13, 2015)

I agree with everyone else. Sounds like there is someone else.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Constable Odo said:


> "I love you but I am not in love with you"
> 
> is female-speak for
> 
> "I am banging another man like a storm door in a hurricane"


Great word picture Odo.

It could also be a workplace crush. (yeah an EA of sorts).

This is a two way limerence that results from attraction and flirting. Often these are very intense and all consuming even before the affair partners have expressed their feelings for each other.

Often both parties crave the intensity of this setup but are hesitant to cross the line to begin with.

The warning signs are obvious, a new job or co-worker, "he is such a great guy, husband, father, help to me etc", she withdraws emotionally spends more time at work, happy to go to work, and bummed out on the weekend.

Any indications of that Lost?

Most people do not successfully break free from these and carry a torch for years if their crush moves away.

She may be battling with un-fulfillment and hormones, but the number of times that "I love you but not in love with you" indicates at lease an interest (usually much more) in another lover is so close to 100% the decimal places stretch out like Pi.

The only real evidence are their lunches out and after work drinks with co-workers, the time and withdrawal, and of course their work email accounts, which hold all the intensity and anticipation tightly concealed.

I hope you can get to the bottom of whatever it is, and I really wish you well.

Take care!


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