# Reconciled for year-now back in limbo!



## candi.apple (Jun 29, 2015)

I have been a lurker here for just over a year but this is my first post. Several weeks ago I had typed up my story intending to post it here; a story about how affairs can really be reconciled and marriages can be saved. But now, I am slipping back down into the pain and don’t know where to go from here. 

Married for 14 years, known him for 16 years. Met him when I was just 20 and we married when I was 23. We now have 3 kids and what I thought was a good marriage. My d-day was May 8, 2014. Like most people, it hit me like a ton of brinks as I never saw it coming. That morning I accidently found a flash drive belonging to WH. It contained porn pictures and also what appeared to be a craigslist’s ad he had written about himself, offering his “service” to couples. I was confused about this ad because it had a cell number that I did not recognize. I said nothing to him when he came home from work; instead I waited until he went to bed. Then I went searching for his spare phone (difficult to explain but I knew about this phone but did not know it was in service.) As it turned out the spare phone was in service with a month to month plan that I knew nothing about it. But it was the emails that I found that turned my life upside down. He was responding to hundreds of ads on craigslist, looking to meet up for some “fun”. Couples, single women, bi-sexual men. But it got worse. I then discovered emails revealing his affair with a woman. Emails that dates back for several years. And it was the “I love you’s” at the end of the emails that hit me the hardest. 

When confronted with the evidence, WH first claimed they only had sex once. But in the next 3 days, the truth trickled out. (Mainly because I continued to go through the many, many emails!) As it turned out, this affair had been going on for about 4 years! When WH traveled for business, he was often also spending time with her. OW was a part of his life through 2 of our kids’ births! Shortly after our last child was born, OW got pregnant but chose to have an abortion. Pregnant!! With my WH child!! I am very against abortion, but the thought of my kids having a half-sibling and being connected to OW for rest of our life; makes me sick!! (He also admitted to meeting with several couples through craigslist’s ads. Somehow this did not affect me like the affair. There was no emotional connection to these people; it was only for sex.)

Reading the affair emails was like having an out of body experience. This could not be my life. This was not my husband writing these things. The emotional roller coaster began. After 3 days of basically no sleep and crying all the time, I pulled myself together and took my WH on a drive. We found a spot to talk and he talked. I asked question after question and he answered each one. He had wanted to end the affair a while ago, but he owed her a couple thousand dollars and she had a lawyer in the family. He was working on a way to pay her back so that he could end it. An excuse? Probably. But with this info, I was able to see clearly what needed to be done. I borrowed the money from a family member, and made him arrange a meeting with the OW for that night. (WH had warned OW earlier that I had found out but OW didn’t know what was happening.) WH called OW while I stood next to him and arranged the meet up. I went with. OW arrived, WH handed her the money and said it was over, and we left. I said nothing. I never felt the need to hit her or be nasty to her. But near close to an anxiety attack when we left. 

The next 2 weeks were the hardest weeks of my life. My husband had a business trip that he could not change. And I thought it was best if he went as to give me space to think. My brain went into overtime. I could not sleep for more than an hour or so. I put a sound machine next to my bed and turned it loud. I went about my daily routine in a fog. I cried a lot. I obsessed about reading the emails. It was hell.

Then I started researching about infidelity online and ready everything I could find. I found forums like this one. I ready articles from people sharing their story and advice. I ordered a program online and started it on my own. It directed me to start journaling my feelings. I wrote page after page of my feelings, my fears, my anger, and my thoughts. Every time I had an image, thought, anger or fear go through my head, I would write it down. It helped. I would fill page after page in the beginning, but slowly I wasn’t using up so much paper. 

When WH returned, we went to marriage counseling. We didn’t like the first one, so we found another. We used a counseling service offered through our church that sets the cost per visit depending on your income. (This was a relief since we could not have afforded to pay $200 per visit.) The counseling was very helpful. It took a few times before WH opened up to the counselor, but when he did, things began to improve. We continued to work through the online program together. I made him read my journal of feelings. About 5 months after d-day we attended a seminar by Gary Chapman. It was wonderful. WH listened, enjoyed it, and I thought he got it. We bought the book and worked through that too. 

Nothing changed overnight. But slowly with all the tools we had, we were able to change how we communicated and our marriage improved. 6 months after d-day, my husband changed careers (with my full support) and is now driving truck. He is gone for weeks at a time, but we are still very close. We talk multiple times every day and I help him out however I can. It has been a big change, but we are trying to make it work.

So everything seemed to be on track to a full reconcile……until this weekend. WH had a friend visit that he hasn’t seen in a few years. They spent the day at an event and then went to another friend’s house in the evening for dinner and drinks. I had no hesitation about any of this and really didn’t even think twice about him going. At 9:00pm, we spoke and they were just getting to their friends house for dinner. (No problem with this.) He said they were planning to have something to eat, then he would drop his friend off, and he would be home. I assumed this meant by 11:00/midnight they would be done and he would drive home after (has over an hour drive home). I woke up at 1:30 and he was not home. Called him, no answer. Sent him text, no reply. Called him 20 min later, no answer. Waited 20 min called again, no answer. Panic, anger is setting in. Waited 30 min and called. He answered and said he was on his way. Said he fell asleep after having a few drinks and didn’t hear his phone. I said very little other than we would talk about it when he got home. When he arrives home, he is very obviously drunk. I flip out at him for #1 driving home drink when his career is dependent on having a license and #2 for not answering the phone or keeping me updated on where he was. This has been an issue for years as whenever he went out I always just asked that he let me know when he heading home so I knew when to expect him. Many arguments about this. But after d-day it made sense to me as OW house was about half-way between the city he would go to and our house. So he couldn’t call when he was leaving because he would stop at OW house on the way. Then couldn’t call when leaving OW house as too short of distance. So after d-day, he went out very little. When he did, he was always very good about keeping me updated and arriving home when he said he would be home. Until this weekend.

I don’t believe that he was with any woman or that he was doing anything that he’s not telling me. I believe that he did drink too much and fall asleep. But how could he get himself into a position to fall asleep and not first think that he needs to call me to say he’s going to be late? And then when he woke up, he didn’t think right away that he needs to call me or notice on his phone that I called multiple times? Instead, he wakes up and starts driving home. When I called him the 4th time, he had been driving for about 15 min already. He says he wanted to call me once he got out of the city on less busy roads. Busy roads at 2:00am? Whatever!

So now I am back in limbo. What do I do? Where do I go from here? He says he’s sorry and he probably is. But there are no actions to accompany the apology. He apologizes and then waits for me to “get over it”. 

The voices in my head confuse me even more. I want to do the 180 on him, pull away and just work on myself. Same voice telling me that old habits are hard to break and it’s only a matter of time before he cheats again. But the other voice tells me that I am making a big deal out of nothing. To just let the events of this weekend go and get back to working on the marriage. It would be very easy for me to “rug sweep’ this and convince myself that it was just a mistake like he said. But am I risking everything to follow that voice? Where do I go from here?


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

I think that you need to listen to those little voices. They are very smart.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ugh. You should've divorced a year ago.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I'm sorry to tell you this but you have rugswept things. You are still hiding your head in the sand about who you are married to.

I'm with GusPolinski, you should have divorced him as soon as you found out. Seriously? Countless CL hook ups with couples and bi sexual men. Putting your life at risk, having an affair that resulted in pregnancy while you were having his babies? WTH does he need to do to make you leave him? 

You are in "limbo" alright, how low can he make you go?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce. But before that, STD tests.

Sorry you are here.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This isn't limbo. This is denial.


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## candi.apple (Jun 29, 2015)

I guess I knew that the responses would be to divorce him. If this was a stranger's story, I would likely say the same. 

But when I look down the road of divorce I don't see any less pain. Divorce him. Great. Now what? Single mother for the rest of my life? Start the dating scene over again? Parade men through my kids lives searching for a new "father"? Look for a man who likely has baggage of his own? And if I find someone, where is the guarantee that this new man won't one day cheat on me?

And what about the pain I put my kids through? Right now they know nothing, even the oldest who is 12 doesn't know (I believe). I am very good at hiding my pain; good at putting on a smile and pretending all is good. Divorcing their father will be painful no matter what. Yes, they will probably get through it ok. But there is also a good chance that they will have many issues to deal with as a result of the divorce. Is my happiness worth more than theirs? I still have good times with my WH and my kids see this. He is a good father when he puts in the effort. Considering that he is a truck driver and gone for extended periods, I am already on my own a lot.

And the issue of custody would be another story. WH comes from another country. So if he moves back there, do I have to send my kids half-way across the world to see their dad? Or they never get to see their dad?

I agree that I am in denial. After D-day, I could see very clearly that I have been in denial about many things in our marriage. But is living in denial any less painful than getting a divorce and attempting to start over?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

candi.apple said:


> I guess I knew that the responses would be to divorce him. If this was a stranger's story, I would likely say the same.
> 
> But when I look down the road of divorce I don't see any less pain. Divorce him. Great. Now what? Single mother for the rest of my life? Start the dating scene over again? Parade men through my kids lives searching for a new "father"? Look for a man who likely has baggage of his own? And if I find someone, where is the guarantee that this new man won't one day cheat on me?
> 
> ...


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unless you hold him accountable for his actions he will most likely do it again causing you more heartache.

At the moment you have rugswept this issue.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

I feel for you. I feel every thing you mentioned above. Fear of starting over, being a single mom, being alone or being cheated on by the next man that may enter my life. I completely understand your reason for wanting to stay with someone you have been with for many years becauase of the kids, because you still have feelings for him even after all he has done, or because it might be easier to stay knowing what you've got verses not knowing what the future holds. 

All I can say is it is a long hard road either path you take but one path has a rainbow at the end and the other has a black hole. If you stay you will never be truly happy. The worry, doubt, checking, looking for holes in his stories will continue for the rest of your life with him. Why would you want that?

Do what I did, file for divorce. Travel down that hard, winding, bumpy path divorce will take you on knowing eventually you will see the rainbow and be free from a serial cheater. Sorry to say he will never change. Your children deserve better and they deserve a happy mom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Craterus (Jun 24, 2015)

Sorry you are here Candi.apple - I am new to these boards too and know full well that we don't end up here except via a path of pain. My DD was only 8 weeks or so ago so I can't offer any advice from a position of much experience.

I will say that what you will read on this board will be (mostly) both difficult to read and almost impossible to accept as a correct path for you. I am not sure I can take all the advice I have been given yet - but as time goes on I see that most of it is right. Everyone's situation is different of course and you have to do what is right for yourself. But don't rug sweep, and don't dismiss even the most brutal and confronting words you read on here.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have never set boundaries for him and if you are going to stay in this marriage you need to right away. I tend to agree with the other posters that perhaps after all his lying and cheating over a long period of time, you should have left him, old habits die hard and to live looking over your shoulder is difficult.

If you really want to stay (for the children) then start protecting yourself emotionally, set boundaries, take no BS from him, be firm, be nice but start having your own life, do not be at his beck and call, do the usual, but have a life separate from him. When he screws up like this (and he will again and again) let him feel the pain. If you complain for a day or two and then go back to the normal, then he has absolutely no incentive to change. 

You have to make it very very clear to him that if he doesn't change his ways and has more respect and consideration for you, you are not afraid to walk and be prepared to. You WH should be wearing out the knees of his trousers to make it up to you for what he has done in the past, not creating more scenarios to cause distrust and emotional turmoil.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Well since things have improved so much (from what you can tell) over the last year, I would hesitate to divorce him now over a missed phone call.

Could you just haul him back into MC and between you and the counselor make it clear to him how emotionally hurtful and damaging his most recent action was for you? Maybe try to "un-rugsweep" some of that mess from last year?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well if that's how you feel why worry about what he does? He is who he is and you have no power with him since divorce is off the table so make your own life apart from him and don't worry about what he does.

And for the love of all things don't have sex with him! 

Please don't use the kids as an excuse, if you don't want a divorce then own it. Kids don't benefit from having a dysfunctional relationship in the house. I divorced my kids father for this reason and they're doing great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

OP do you really think given his hardcore history of CL cheating with couples, and bi-sexual men that he is being faithful while he is on the road driving truck??? That is sex addict, deeply sick behavior that doesn't just end, IMO.

If you are going to stay because you are afraid of leaving that is your choice. Just realize, you are being delusional IMO thinking he has changed. Protect yourself.


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## candi.apple (Jun 29, 2015)

I appreciate all the advice given so far. I never said divorce was off the table. In fact, since this weekend, I have spent a lot of time convincing myself that divorce has to be an option. It’s difficult because when we got married we made a commitment that no matter what, as long as we never make divorce an option then we can get through anything. But we never ever discussed what happens if either of us has an affair. When you're newlyweds, you never expect your partner will cheat, so that subject never came up.

I did convince myself that divorce would be an option, but as I said earlier, looking down the path of divorce does not seem to offer any less pain. The way I see it now if I chose divorce, it can lead to happiness after very difficult and painful path. But divorce can also NOT have a happy ending, just lots of pain and loneliness for me (and hardships for my kids).

The same applies if I chose to stay with WH and continuing on our path of reconciling. This could lead to a dark path where WH cheats again and I suffer again. But reconciling also could lead to a happy life and a marriage that is rebuilt stronger than the old one. So I guess it comes down to what path I'm willing to risk traveling down order to get to that happiness.

I sent WH here to read my story and the responses. It was a good wake up call for him. It lead to long hours of discussion. I laid everything on the table from what I need in this marriage, my expectations of him, what he needs to do from here, and what happens if nothing changes. Then I gave him the “steering wheel” of the marriage. I will no longer be doing the work of fixing the marriage. It is now up to him to decide what is best; marriage counseling, back to the online program we used, date nights, whatever. I did not make him do the hard-work a year ago and likely that I why I am here today. He was always very willing to work with me but I was always doing the leading and making the decisions. Now it's his turn. And if we give it another try and it doesn't work, then I know that at anytime I can still choose the other path.

I have started working out again and planning fun things that don’t involve WH. I have realized that I have allowed myself to be a doormat for many years. Not just with my husband, but also with family and friends around me. I am working at changing this and working to respect myself more. I have had self-esteem issues since I was a kid and need to majorly improve this. One step at a time.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

candi.apple said:


> But when I look down the road of divorce I don't see any less pain. Divorce him. Great. Now what? Single mother for the rest of my life? *Start the dating scene over again?*


Are you SERIOUS?? Who would even be THINKING about "dating" given all of the challenges you will be facing divorcing this louse.



candi.apple said:


> Parade men through my kids lives searching for a new "father"?


Again, are you SERIOUS??? Nobody who respects themselves and their children would be "parading men through" searching for their next partner.... Sheesh

What about STANDING ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET, taking care of your children? If finances are an issue, there are many resources available for women exactly in your situation. And you need to make sure you have good legal representation looking out for your interests.



candi.apple said:


> But there is also a good chance that they will have many issues to deal with as a result of the divorce.


There's an even BIGGER chance they will have major problems dealing with a dad who has HUNDREDS of sex posts on Craig's List, not to mention a long-term affair, and YOU trying to cover it all up to "protect" them.



candi.apple said:


> And the issue of custody would be another story. WH comes from another country. So if he moves back there, do I have to send my kids half-way across the world to see their dad? Or they never get to see their dad?


This is why you need a GOOD lawyer. Get separated, and file an immediate temporary restraining order to restrict him from removing the children from your home. If you are really worried about this, file, get the order, then YOU and YOUR CHILDREN "disappear", preferably to a women's organization that can help protect you from your husband kidnapping your children to a foreign country.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's interesting that you equate divorce with parading men around your kids and looking for a daddy for them. One who is self sufficient doesn't look at it like that. Only someone desperate for a man does. 

Do what you want, but odds are very good he'll simply find better ways to cover his tracks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

Hi Candi,

From what I have seen from separation groups and friends who have divorced, those who are going through hardship are typically the ones who could not let go of their relationship when the other partner ending it. 

A good friend of mine who has been coaching me through this experience, his ex wife could not let go. The marriage did not end on an affair but rather a break down of relations. She is bitter, does what she can to make his life miserable, and all that hatred has begun to age her. 

It takes incredible courage to end a marriage. It takes even more strength to let go and look forward to a new life. 

You may decide to hang on. I'm not asking you to believe a single thing I am saying. Go out and talk to real people with real experiences and see for yourself.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say that you both made commitments when you married, but that you didn't imagine what would happen if there was infidelity.

I dispute that. I think that you didn't imagine that, but that your WH is a serial cheater, and as such always assumed that he would have other women for his second sex life, a life that he successfully kept hidden from you until very recently.

You say that he is reading this and that the ball is in his court. How about he volunteer for a polygraph so that you can see how far back this all goes, so that you can see whether he has really stopped his CL trolling and hookups, and truly gone NC with his OW?

I think you have a serial cheater on your hands and what you know is just the tip of the iceberg.

Certainly, I could be wrong, but you are putting your own health at risk (and thus the future of your children) by not doing everything you can to find out as much truth as possible about your WH's real life.


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