# Not sure I have the energy to go through this again...



## beserker42 (Dec 20, 2014)

I'm struggling with how to move forward with my wife. Here's the background. We have been together for 15 years, friends for 18 years, married for 12, and have three children (2, 6 & 9). About three years ago my wife struck up a relationship with a fellow from her work. They had an emotional affair (she said it was not physical, but was very attracted to him) with him. During this time she became pregnant with our third child. During her emotional affair our sex life heated up dramatically... She agreed to cut off all communication with the fellow and did (she gave me access to her email and accounts to monitor if I wanted). All seemed good in our relationship and with our family.

About 1 year ago I lost my job and we were forced to move out of company housing. Losing my job and housing put our family into a bit of a tailspin... It was tough on me and the family. My wife was able to apply for a job that was a promotion for her (more pay) and was located near her parents. We relocated there, living with her parents, and found some stability for our children with the local school & grandparents helps. I started consulting with many of the clients that I had worked with previously which required 3-4 days away each week. My wife started working 60+ hours a week, basically leaving before the kids got up and coming home just before there bedtime. This was stressful on the family and living in with the grandparents was stressful. My wife slipped into not having to take care of the kids, cleaning, cooking and really had no responsibility other than her job.

We decided to reduce the stress of living with her parents we would find house close to them to maintain the kids in school and still have some help from the grandparents. We did and moved in. I committed to reducing my time on the road and took over taking care of the family. I still consult and go on the road, but for shorter time periods. The Grandparents help while I'm gone. My wife stayed busy with work and doesn't help much with family/home matters. I can deal with this, but she started to become much more distant.

I discovered recently that she has been searching on the internet for information about a man she works with. Looking into polyamourous relationships (how to convince your partner it's a good idea). Flirts through texting and email with the person she is searching on the internet about (to the best of my knowledge their relationship has been confined to the work setting). Today I see that she has started emailing with the fellow she had an "emotional affair" with 3 years ago. She's distant to me, not around much, and sex with her feels like she's doing an unpleasant chore (she's not interested in spicing it up).

We've had a very difficult past year with lots of ups and downs. I've been depressed at times, but have also been pushing forward with life - trying to redefine myself outside of the job I lost (I really was wrapped up in it). I've put on weight and know that I'm not as attractive to her (I've been overweight most of my life), but am working on more exercise and getting bariatric surgery. There have been times when I haven't been as present as I probably should have been. I own that I'm not perfect...

Three years ago I "fought" for our relationship, it was hard but I found a counselor, talked openly and frankly with my wife, supported her by not leaving & doing my best not to judge. I'm struggling now because I feel like she is on the brink of having another affair and is not "present" with me. Mostly our interactions feel cold and mechanical, mundane. I love my wife and family, but don't think I have it in me to be the only carrying the relationship or the energy to "fight" for her. My reactionary side says confront her about her interactions with these two guys and talk about next steps in our relationship. Basically, if she is going to screw around again I'd like to leave beforehand. She can start dealing with the kids, home, and her work. I'm not sure how to move forward and am feeling the more flight than fight.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

First of all, I'm sorry you're here.

You're not sure you have the energy to go through this again. My question is: why WOULD you go through this again? Your wife has demonstrated that she is a serial cheater (whether its emotional or physical--no real difference in YOUR emotional response), cannot be trusted, and she's not very involved in home and family life. Doesn't sound like much of a wife to me.

It's time to consider that this marriage is not really a marriage at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beserker42 (Dec 20, 2014)

Thanks for the reply. I don't want to go through this again, but I also love my wife and kids. I just wish she was committed to our relationship like I am.

I suppose I'm holding on to when things were "good" and hoping I can find a way to get back to that place. I know I need to be good to myself, but I fear tearing my kids lives up.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I'm no expert at giving advice so I can only share my opinion of what I would do. If it is helpful to you, then good, if not you can move on to the next poster. What do you want? Marriage or divorce. What consequences did she have after the first EA? Was the EA exposed? Is the first and second OM married? If not married why didn't you expose? 

I wanted R. I wasn't going to R with OM around. I called his wife and while she (OM's wife) wasn't happy with me I got the desired effect. OM was too busy saving his own crap he had no time for my WW. Hire a private investigator? Nah, OM wife was better than any money I could have spent! 

So I say if you want marriage, then you better become a prize fighter. Your wife did it once and is on her way to a second. Although I question the value of your prize, much like I did my own, is the value worth it? In my case yes, a six month affair with her co-worker. We are in R and almost eleven months from d-day. You first need to decide to stay or bail. Good luck.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

As far as i'm concerned you forgave her and gave her another chance now she has blown it, ups and downs are part of life and every couple must face these challenges it is a test of your love and friendship and together you can beat them it is not an excuse to start affairs or look up the OM from the first time around, i would confront and tell her to go


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

When the going gets tough the tough quit and move on? It seems that is what most people think nowadays. When challenges and tough times hit is when peoples true nature shines through. Some people step up their game and persevere, others find it easier to just let it crash and find an easier path, or so they think. Your wife has had the responsibility of her kids, housework and dealing with home life alleviated by her parents and, to some extent, you. She is therefore free to pursue other avenues of interest. Although they believe they are helping, what they are actually doing is enabling. A piece of coal when exposed to high heat and extreme pressure turns into diamond. Without the pressure and heat it's just a lump of coal. Your wife needs the pressure and heat to bring out her diamond but by everyone helping her she remains a lump of coal.

My advice would be to let her deal with her children, do some (most of the) house work and feel what life would be like without her parents help. If she continues with her pursuits then let her go. She is all but gone anyway at that point.


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## beserker42 (Dec 20, 2014)

Thank you for your continued input. I don't want to pursue divorce as my first avenue of recourse. When I close my eyes to envision the long term future I see us growing old together.

As I dig deeper into my own emotions, I realize that we did not properly confront the issues that lead to the first affair. Subsequently, I was not able to deal with my own issues of trust. Given the the situation I'm in now I realize that trust may not have been in my best interest, but if I had forced both of us to address the issue at the time we might not be back here.

My wife may not want to confront her "demons" and her own issues, but I feel I have to give her the chance to work with me. I'm close to the edge though and think she needs to know that. Not an ultimatum, but a honest communication on my part. I don't want to be cheated on and won't support her while she explores this side of herself.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

beserker42 said:


> As I dig deeper into my own emotions, I realize that *we did not properly confront the issues that lead to the first affair.* Subsequently, I was not able to deal with my own issues of trust.


Ahhh... a classic case of "rug sweeping." I don't mean that in a sarcastic or negative way. It is very good that you realize that you never really dealt with the issues surrounding the affair, and then the aftermath of it all.

It sounds like you *both* would benefit from marriage counseling (you could also do individual counseling if you find it helpful) but make sure the couple's therapist is a specialist in infidelity; you both need to address the affair and her betrayal, lay out your boundaries, and let her know EXACTLY what will happen if she pursues this behavior.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I gained 30 pounds after the birth of my first child. My husband lost three jobs. My Grandparents died. We moved across the country twice.......

THAT'S MARRAGE!!!!

Marriage and kids are hard. Really hard.

Both people need to communicate their frustrations to each other and help each other through them. That's what "I DO" means.

Confront your wife and put your foot down. She's in or she's out. It's not hard. In or out. 

Tell her what you wrote here. You want to keep your marriage but can't do it alone. Marriage and kids was your choice and her choice. Tough crap if she wants to daydream about fantasy co-workers. 

Does she really think these men want anything other than sex? Let her know she looks like a fool.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Obesity is strongly linked to low testosterone levels in men, so you should definitely change your diet and work out. Surgery, while it may help some folks, sounds like the course of action that results from lack of control. Lack of control is sure to be unattractive to your wife.

If you get in shape, your wife may view you differently. And even more important, you will see yourself in a new way.

Society judges obese people harshly. That is the way of the world and it certainly hurts your image at work.

Eating is easy to do when depressed.

Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe HappyMan will pop up and coach you a bit.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Be aware that the satellite issues in your marriage are not excuse for her infidelity. Period. 

Work on your issues. 

Covertly monitor her activities and make a game plan (with legal advise) on what you'll do if her situation blossoms into EA or PA. 

Consider sitting her down and warning her that she is poised to change her status from cheater to serial cheater. Fair warning is delivered. 

I'm of the opinion that serial cheaters should be promptly divorced. 

Good luck.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I seriously suggest that you have your child tested for paternity when she was in her so-called emotional affairs. Years later she still wants him indicates to me that the chances are pretty good that the affair was physical. Get your child tested for paternity. You are married to a serial cheater and you are in major denial.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

beserker42 said:


> Thanks for the reply. I don't want to go through this again, but I also love my wife and kids. I just wish she was committed to our relationship like I am.
> 
> I suppose I'm holding on to when things were "good" and hoping I can find a way to get back to that place. I know I need to be good to myself, but I fear tearing my kids lives up.


There's no reason why you should have to go through this again.

The thing about people who think that a polyamourous relationship is a neat and nifty idea is that, in order to work, both partners need to be allowed to be polyamourous.

But then, suddenly, sharing is not caring and jealousy comes up. "Hey! The rule is, I play, you stay!"

That's not going to happen. Is it?


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

beserker42 said:


> Thank you for your continued input. I don't want to pursue divorce as my first avenue of recourse. When I close my eyes to envision the long term future I see us growing old together.
> 
> As I dig deeper into my own emotions, I realize that we did not properly confront the issues that lead to the first affair. Subsequently, I was not able to deal with my own issues of trust. Given the the situation I'm in now I realize that trust may not have been in my best interest, but if I had forced both of us to address the issue at the time we might not be back here.
> 
> My wife may not want to confront her "demons" and her own issues, but I feel I have to give her the chance to work with me. I'm close to the edge though and think she needs to know that. Not an ultimatum, but a honest communication on my part. I don't want to be cheated on and won't support her while she explores this side of herself.


Then you have to sit her down and sit her down now and give her the hard facts of what is going to happen if she keeps on this course,


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

beserker42 said:


> Looking into polyamourous relationships (how to convince your partner it's a good idea)


See, this is scary to me. If this is how she really feels no amount of work, begging, toughing it out or counseling is going to work. Time to have a serious talk and tell her what will end the marriage. No, you don't need any more proof. She is in contact with her EA partner, flirting with other men and researching how to bring another man in your marriage.


Be prepared for the tears, crying and anger.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

And prepare for the lies...


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

beserker42 said:


> About three years ago my wife struck up a relationship with a fellow from her work. They had an emotional affair (*she said it was not physical*, but was very attracted to him) with him. *During this time she became pregnant with our third child*.


O.M.G.........


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Don't let your wife use you. She may love you, but it is more of a platonic love. If she wants a polyamory relationship, you on her priority list will most likely be low. All bonds are not equal, and she probably wants you taking care of the home life, while she is free to explore new relationships. I could not be second in my partner's life. I tried the polyamory thing, and when they say love is limitless, it is bs. She can't even maintain a bond with her children. 

Just keep working on yourself, and when you leave her, she will have less time for romance. She is taking you for granted, and she is investing in others more than you. Other men have a more emotional closeness than you. So continue the weight loss, seek a better job prospect, find new hobbies, and start detaching. You don't want to be mentally exhausted chasing after her to want her to love you. Prove to yourself that you don't need her, and that you do not want her scraps and leftovers.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Rugs gave the best advice you will get here. So far. That's without knowing if she has actually pulled them to the side for that parking lot quickie. 
Do you actually see the time card and paycheck??


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

beserker42 said:


> About three years ago my wife struck up a relationship with a fellow from her work. They had an emotional affair (she said it was not physical, but was very attracted to him) with him. During this time she became pregnant with our third child.





G.J. said:


> O.M.G.........


I had the exact same thought.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

how to convince your partner it's a good idea

She is already in one.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> how to convince your partner it's a good idea
> 
> She is already in one.


There are two ways of stopping cheating. To actually stop cheating. Or to convince your spouse that you need to enter a new phase in your marriage, to create a new paradigm for your relationship which would then involve a new, fluid dynamic.

I.E., licensed cheating, perhaps with multiple partners, but only for one of you.

Just say no.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> There are two ways of stopping cheating. To actually stop cheating. Or to convince your spouse that you need to enter a new phase in your marriage, to create a new paradigm for your relationship which would then involve a new, fluid dynamic.
> 
> I.E., licensed cheating, perhaps with multiple partners, *but only for one of you*.
> 
> Just say no.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

beserker42 said:


> Basically, *if* she is going to screw around again I'd like to leave beforehand.


There is no *IF*. Breaking no contact with the first OM, starting another EA with a different OM. She's throwing the gift of a second chance right back in your face. She crossed the line in the sand, that I assume you drew.

The question is; what are you going to do about it? Erase and re-draw that line be giving her a third chance? Sure, you can do that; and loose what little respect she still has for you. She obviously doesn't fear you leaving her.

It's one thing to give a cheater another chance in an attempt to R. But in my opinion, they deserve only *one* chance.

If you haven't confronted her yet; don't. Get your ducks in a row first. Talk to an attorney and map out an exit strategy. Get back in shape. If it takes a few weeks or even months to do that, so be it. There's no reason you can't be just as calculating in getting out of your marriage, as she was in destroying it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears your W did not experience any consequences of the first EA. In the situations you are in were you handle most if not all the day to day with the kids and keep a job of sorts why add the additional stress of looking after your W who is not being forthright in the marriage and as a mother? Collect what evidence you need to make it very compelling for your W to understand the cat is out of the bag again and serve her D papers. Advise the D papers can be retracted if earned. To add, it would appear she is the bread winner and would be paying you child support and possibly alimony?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

You mention weight too. Minor issue but if you want to improve your health, reduce weight there is one garanteed solution.

Head for the gym and work out. Not machines or bikes, heavy weight lifting. That means free weights. 3 or 4 times a week. THE basic components to do:
-squats
-deadlifts
-bench press
-rowing
-overhead press
-chin-ups and dips 
-optionally, some cardio like elliptical. I do this to warm up and last before heading home. 

Do 3 or 4 sets of each. Enough weight that you can do 8-12 reps before struggling. If you can't lift, lift with the bar empty. Add weight as you master the sets. Chin-ups and dips until you burn out each set. Seriously. Work hard. The more you sweat the faster you see improvement. The first month will be agony, keep at it (if you have a military background, it's no biggie). Don't stop. Your life and health depend on it.

You will burn fat and build muscle. No other way. After 3 months, you'll really start to like the results. Ladies will eyeball you and your W will take notice. 

Read Married Man Sex Lif Primer 2011, by Athol Kay. I believe everything you've been taught about when is wrong. Read the book. It's a great start to get you in the right direction mentally and physically. The book is right on. If you disagree with something, it's because of your indoctrination in how to behave and how not to be a man.

Get healthy and stay that way. Do proper multi-vitamins. Not the crap costco sells. My multi-vitamin requires 9 pills a day. 3 x am, noon and Pm.

If you say you don't have time, just do it anyway. You'll be surprised that everything else in your life finds time anyway.

By reading the book and burning fat building muscle, you will become a new you and handle this issue with ease you never thought you could. 

--- Your way. You are the leader of your family. Your wife is genetically programmed to respond to you. Right now, she's responding in a bad way. You can change this.


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