# Wife and my new friend... need advice



## MC07645 (Dec 27, 2013)

I have questions that I would like opinions on, but I have to lay out the situation first.
I’ve been married for about 7 months – This is the 2nd marriage for both of us, and our first marriages were the result of being cheated on by our exes. This obviously creates some sensitivities, but more on that later. We each have one child from our previous marriages, and cannot have more.

About 3 months ago, I became friends with a female (let’s call her ‘Lisa’). I don’t see any harm in it, as I don’t really do the whole jealousy thing.
We speak on the phone for an hour or 2 every day, and exchange between 15-20 text messages on average per day. As it happens, none of this ever occurs while my wife is present – I’ll wait until she leaves for work, or wait until I’m in my car alone, etc. Lisa is a divorced single woman of similar age/demographic/cultural profile to me, she lives in my local area, and she has never met my wife.

My wife has expressed concerns about whether or not I have been in significant contact with Lisa, and I have seriously downplayed the amount of contact that I have with her in order not to upset my wife’s sensitivities. Basically, I have been totally dishonest with her about the amount of contact I’ve been having… I think I told her that we may have spoken 3 or 4 times on the phone.

Here’s my question: My wife has access to my cell phone bill that shows my usage. Should she decide to take a look, she’s going to see that I’ve been on the phone with Lisa for a total of 10 hours in the past 2 weeks alone, and have exchanged 260 texts with her over the same time period (including around 20 messages on Christmas Day while at the family dinner table). It will also be obvious that the times I call Lisa are right after my wife either leaves for work or leaves to go pick up the kids (Including an hour on Christmas morning while she was dropping her son off with her ex-husband – I called Lisa literally 2 minutes after my wife’s car pulled away and stayed on the phone the entire time she was gone – Hell, I was supposed to set the dinner table while she was gone, but didn’t… of course, I didn’t tell her why).

I do not feel that I’m being disrespectful to her, as I have no bad intentions. Am I wrong? Please tell me what you think, as I am having a hard time.
I tend to see the world through my own little lens, and sometimes I do get a kick out of feeling like vulnerable people want to attach themselves to me, so I sometimes have a tendency to encourage that behavior, even though I would not cheat on my wife. When she pushes me on this, I usually try to make her feel like she’s the one doing wrong by not trusting me (I tell her that I think the whole jealousy thing is a big turn off, and usually when I set the tone like that, she backs off because she doesn’t want to fight about it – even if she’s right and I’m wrong).
Please tell me what I’m doing wrong, and how she’s going to feel about this. Don’t hold back.
Thanks


----------



## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

Tell your wife the truth.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

MC07645 said:


> Here’s my question: My wife has access to my cell phone bill that shows my usage. Should she decide to take a look, she’s going to see that I’ve been on the phone with Lisa for a total of 10 hours in the past 2 weeks alone, and have exchanged 260 texts with her over the same time period (including around 20 messages on Christmas Day while at the family dinner table). It will also be obvious that the times I call Lisa are right after my wife either leaves for work or leaves to go pick up the kids (Including an hour on Christmas morning while she was dropping her son off with her ex-husband – I called Lisa literally 2 minutes after my wife’s car pulled away and stayed on the phone the entire time she was gone – Hell, I was supposed to set the dinner table while she was gone, but didn’t… of course, I didn’t tell her why).
> 
> I do not feel that I’m being disrespectful to her, as I have no bad intentions. Am I wrong? Please tell me what you think, as I am having a hard time.
> I tend to see the world through my own little lens, and sometimes I do get a kick out of feeling like vulnerable people want to attach themselves to me, so I sometimes have a tendency to encourage that behavior, even though I would not cheat on my wife. When she pushes me on this, I usually try to make her feel like she’s the one doing wrong by not trusting me (I tell her that I think the whole jealousy thing is a big turn off, and usually when I set the tone like that, she backs off because she doesn’t want to fight about it – even if she’s right and I’m wrong).
> ...


Yes - You are wrong. The time you spend communicating with Lisa and the information/conversations/laughs and whatever should be invested in your wife, not some other woman. But you already know that, right?

You are hiding the extent of this "friendship" with Lisa, right? Another red flag.

You must sever ties with Lisa immediately, confess to your Wife, and hope that your Wife forgives you.

You are having an EA with Lisa. Own it.


----------



## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you eat onions for dinner? Maybe live under a bridge?


----------



## MC07645 (Dec 27, 2013)

Thanks everyone... That was a sanity check for what I'm about to say. 
My entire description of the situation above is the opposite - My wife is the one with the new friend (Lou), and I already know everything I wrote in there as true. 
First I wanted to make sure I wasn't nuts for thinking that what she's doing is wrong, then I wanted to ask for advice on how to effectively handle this with her. 
She is denying everything even though she knows I could look at the phone bill at any time (which I already have).
She gets nasty with me when I confront her - especially if she's been lying to me.
We've only been married for 7 months, have a great sex life, and we frequently display appreciation and affection for each other - Nothing is lacking... in fact, people around us even see that.
That's what is making this so hard for me to understand...
I have NO IDEA what she could possibly be talking to this guy about for hours a day when I'm not around. She claims he's just a really good guy and only a friend, and that she's trying to set him up with her single cousin... While I may buy it from her side, I'm not sold at all on what might be going on inside this guy's head/heart.


----------



## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Put on your Detective Hat, get all the evidence gathered and then laid out and present it to her and give her a choice: Knock it off or get OUT.


----------



## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

ankh said:


> Put on your Detective Hat, get all the evidence gathered and then laid out and present it to her and give her a choice: Knock it off or get OUT.


Yeah, but I'm not sure he'll do this.


----------



## MC07645 (Dec 27, 2013)

She has an explosive temper, and the kids are always there... Struggling with how to do this with as little collateral damage as possible. I have no problem leaving/presenting an ultimatum on this, as I will NOT stand for another cheater. I've already started researching apartments in the area. We've only been married 7 months, own no real property together and do not have children together, so I really don't have anything (besides heartbreak) to fear if she plans on doing me dirty.


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Yeah, that's how my H's EA started and progressed. Squash that sh!t now.


----------



## MC07645 (Dec 27, 2013)

I actually did that once before - she was having a weird amount of contact with her ex-boyfriend (no kids, no attachments, no reason whatsoever for contact) in the weeks leading up to our wedding. She lied, I showed her the phone bill - she LOST HER MIND screaming, hitting, etc. I need to be prepared to leave this time, and with the kids there, it isn't easy to just run out the door in the middle of the winter with my 5 year old and go find somewhere safe to sleep. And if she really exploded in front of my daughter, and my daughter went back and t9ld my ex wife about it, I'm sure I'd be facing a custody/visitation problem as my ex would not stand for my daughter being exposed to that in my home.


----------



## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

MC07645 said:


> I actually did that once before - she was having a weird amount of contact with her ex-boyfriend (no kids, no attachments, no reason whatsoever for contact) in the weeks leading up to our wedding. She lied, I showed her the phone bill - she LOST HER MIND screaming, hitting, etc. I need to be prepared to leave this time, and with the kids there, it isn't easy to just run out the door in the middle of the winter with my 5 year old and go find somewhere safe to sleep. And if she really exploded in front of my daughter, and my daughter went back and t9ld my ex wife about it, I'm sure I'd be facing a custody/visitation problem as my ex would not stand for my daughter being exposed to that in my home.


GTFO of this marriage before it's too late.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

MC07645 said:


> I actually did that once before - she was having a weird amount of contact with her ex-boyfriend (no kids, no attachments, no reason whatsoever for contact) in the weeks leading up to our wedding. She lied, I showed her the phone bill - she LOST HER MIND screaming, hitting, etc. I need to be prepared to leave this time, and with the kids there, it isn't easy to just run out the door in the middle of the winter with my 5 year old and go find somewhere safe to sleep. And if she really exploded in front of my daughter, and my daughter went back and t9ld my ex wife about it, I'm sure I'd be facing a custody/visitation problem as my ex would not stand for my daughter being exposed to that in my home.


Let me ask you this. Under these circumstances, do you believe that the marriage is salvageable and that, after the confrontation she will become the model wife from here to the rest of your life? Or will history repeat, and her EA go underground until it is discovered again? Rinse. Repeat.

My advise would be to keep your head. Say nothing (now). Plan your exit. Just go. She can then rant to an empty house. You see, if this is the way she handles confrontation, then there is no expectation of a peaceful resolution. Leave first. Take your daughter out of the "line of fire". And see what happens. Be prepared for the marriage to end. I doubt she will change into the "perfect" wife.

Her "friend" is *not *a friend of the family. Always remember that.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MC07645 said:


> I actually did that once before - she was having a weird amount of contact with her ex-boyfriend (no kids, no attachments, no reason whatsoever for contact) in the weeks leading up to our wedding. She lied, I showed her the phone bill - she LOST HER MIND screaming, hitting, etc. I need to be prepared to leave this time, and with the kids there, it isn't easy to just run out the door in the middle of the winter with my 5 year old and go find somewhere safe to sleep. And if she really exploded in front of my daughter, and my daughter went back and t9ld my ex wife about it, I'm sure I'd be facing a custody/visitation problem as my ex would not stand for my daughter being exposed to that in my home.


And, yet, you went ahead and married her. You have a 5 year old to consider. I'd chalk this up to one of life's great lessons and get out and then get some counseling to help me make better decisions.


----------



## Gomerpyle (Dec 27, 2013)

MC07645 said:


> She lied, I showed her the phone bill - she LOST HER MIND screaming, hitting, etc.


These are the kind of people that you see on Investigative Discovery, when the show is about how she killed you. Leaving her yesterday isn't soon enough.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She has issues and it is going to screw up your custody,gtfo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Are you sure her first marriage ended because she was cheated on and not the one cheating. Cheaters will lie to make themselves look better. 
She sounds like she has boundary issues and very little respect for you. Having a 3rd party around when you confront her might be a good idea.


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

tainted said:


> Are you sure her first marriage ended because she was cheated on and not the one cheating. Cheaters will lie to make themselves look better.
> She sounds like she has boundary issues and very little respect for you. Having a 3rd party around when you confront her might be a good idea.


Yeah, tainted beat me to it.

For somebody who was cheated ON, and didn't do the cheating, she sure has the behaviours down pat.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MC07645 said:


> his is the 2nd marriage for both of us, and our first marriages were the result of being cheated on by our exes. *This obviously creates some sensitivities*
> 
> 
> About 3 months ago, I became friends with a female (let’s call her ‘Lisa’). *I don’t see any harm in it, as I don’t really do the whole jealousy thing.*
> ...


First of all, I cannot believe you are so naive to pretend as if you think this isn't wrong, when you know it is, when you yourself, after that entire long post, admit to purposely and willfully manipulating your wife so that she won't bring it up with you.

That is in a word... reprehensible. 

You already know what you are doing is wrong. That's why you hide it. But the worst thing is you try to turn it around on your wife.

If this post is For Real and not a post to incite TAM... then you need to end contact with this chick. You are pretty vague about her, and I am sure that was done deliberately.

I always say: flip it. How would you feel if this was your wife doing all of this to YOU with another man? 

Stings, doesn't it?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MC07645 said:


> Thanks everyone... That was a sanity check for what I'm about to say.
> My entire description of the situation above is the opposite - My wife is the one with the new friend (Lou), and I already know everything I wrote in there as true.


Wait, what? So you fibbed in your first post to us to get the reaction you wanted?

Ugh. 

Are you messing with us? 

Dislike.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OnTheRocks said:


> Do you eat onions for dinner? Maybe live under a bridge?


:rofl:


----------



## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

she's abusive when confronted, so much so you worry about it affecting your custody of your child.

re read that a couple times. if you still aren't sure what to do, I'm not sure we can help you.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

She must have zero respect for you at this point. Sounds like she's just with you so she can get a high from cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

MC07645 said:


> I have questions that I would like opinions on, but I have to lay out the situation first.
> I’ve been married for about 7 months – This is the 2nd marriage for both of us, and our first marriages were the result of being cheated on by our exes. This obviously creates some sensitivities, but more on that later. We each have one child from our previous marriages, and cannot have more.
> 
> About 3 months ago, I became friends with a female (let’s call her ‘Lisa’). I don’t see any harm in it, as I don’t really do the whole jealousy thing.
> ...


You ARE being disrespectful to your wife. Married people should have boundaries with people outside the marriage. You are not keeping proper boundaries with this woman. 

Have some compassion for your wife, she has been cheated on in the past after all. I imagine she's already a little concerned, a little sick probably, over what you are doing. Figure out a plan for extinguishing the relationship in question and implement


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It wad bullsh!t when we thought it was you and it's bullsh!t now that it's her. I agree with others, gtfo now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Both of you are jerks.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

personally, i have never known someone to admit so many blatant faults and ask for an honest opinion, unless they are completely drunk.

im starting to wonder if the OP lives under a bridge too...


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

How do you expect help from anyone when your talking out of both sides of your mouth? Now the first part isn't true about you and Lisa and now it's all about your wife and Lou?

How about doing this. Take your thread down. Then when you think you got it right, re post it. I don't know if your telling the truth or feeding us a line of BS.

Sorry if I offend but come on.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Ignore the people that didn't read the thread and are now late to the game. It was perfectly valid to present it as your behaviour. But really you know what the answer is. She is, or will be, having an affair. It's terribly disrespectful and she clearly isn't into the marriage. It's not been long. You can probably get an annulment.


----------



## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

I would be incredibly hurt over this and it seems this is the second time that you know of. Are you going to let her strike out a third time likely as an actual physical affair? I'm sure she has issues stemming from childhood where she needs constant flattery, so it's very deeply rooted. I suggest counseling individual and together. It can be fixed if she will admit it is wrong. If not, seriously get out as soon as possible. Also, the fact that she hits you and screams especially in front of the children is a huge no, no. You need to set better boundaries for your children. You know that is unacceptable for you and your child. If I were looking as her resume as a life partner, which says she lies, sneaks, hits, screams, I would run for the hills. I know you have hopes and dreams for what could have been, but this is what it IS and if she doesn't stop it's very abusive.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She's trouble. Cue in Taylor Swift.

Are you sure her ex cheated on her? Not the other way around?

It's a short marriage. If you divorce now, you can get out relatively pain free.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Anonymous Person said:


> GTFO of this marriage before it's too late.


:iagree:

..now that I've gotten the story straight......

Some people are just nor marriage material. You have married one of these. Be thankful you realized that early on......


----------



## Gomerpyle (Dec 27, 2013)

seeking sanity said:


> It was perfectly valid to present it as your behaviour.


Hi *seeking sanity*.

Telling the truth would have worked perfectly well, so there is something wrong with the OP that he took to lying. This is a person that lies when there is no compelling reason like a thief with a gun in your face. You tell that guy "look, there's a cop!" right before punching him.

But we are all innocent people that would have given him the same answers if he had told the truth from the outset. I didn't say this in my first post because the priority is getting out before he is killed. But there is something wrong with OP's approach to life and it resulted in marrying this animal, like some kind of codependency issue or something. Can't make a clinical diagnosis on a few posts but we already know this person will lie for no reason to people and that is a really big red flag to a screwed-up mind.


----------

