# Just Dealing



## patras (Mar 4, 2011)

Okay so I am jumping in with both feet. I have read a few of the posts and I just need to get out what I am going through. I joined this forum to hopefully get some advise and support from people who are going through at least similar things as I am.

So D-Day for me was Christmas I found an email that my H had written to the OW I was devastated and yet trying to not let on I knew as our 3 children were right there. I went about a week not knowing what was going on asking myself questions like how can this be happening? I did some research on options that I had and decided I wanted to try and save my marriage and that ultimately I love this man. We have been married for 14 years and have known each other for 26 years. We have been through a lot and the emotional affair took place shortly after my oldest son left home without any warning to us. I was having a hard time dealing with the feelings I was having over my son leaving and he turned to the OW. I felt like something was wrong and told him I thought I was losing him and what could we do to change what was happening. This just led to fights I guess because of his guilt because at this time I didn't know about their relationship. I began discovering other things after D-Day, like he was supposed to be going out with friends and went to a play with her. Discovered that when he asked me to get some money out of his wallet. He is in a cover band and they had a gig on New Years eve, I was invited and decided to go by the way the OW is the lead singer of the band. I wanted to see for myself what was going on. I went to this party where I knew no one except the band members. He played the gig and every break they had she was right by his side. She would not get up even when I walked in the room and he became so uncomfortable with the situation that he began avoiding both of us. At the end of the night everyone was hugging and saying good night my H hugged a girl and I was watching the OW face and she had jelousy all over it. I knew then what I was dreading. My H and I talked and I thought we had decided to work on our marriage and that it was over with her. Yet she continued to text him and email him and call him with all of her problems. From things such as problems she was having with her ex and her children and her pets ect. ect. I lost it and sent her a short email that said she needed to back off and quit sending my H "miss you" texts. This was about a week after the gig. He defended her and said that he wasn't mad at me because it was a reaction to something he did. He then started trying to take all the blame for the affair and that he manipulated me and that she was not quilty. Now forgive my sarcasm but IS HE SERIOUS!! I still wanted to move past this and work on us so I suggested that we set aside time for us to do things and to date. We did and it seemed like everything was going well and that we were trying. Turns out I was the only one trying, he would bury himself in his computer and not talk to me. He was still chatting with her, I broke down and told him how upset that made me and that the contact had to stop for us to move on. I was trying to get him to open up to me and he just ignored me and I went to bed crying with no comfort from him. Well fast forward to a week later he told me he was moving out and it was because he didn't like the person he has become and the way he is treating me. He says that he wants to get help and find out what is wrong with him and that this is a trial seperation that we get the chance to work on ourselves and see if anything can be salvaged. I want my marriage to work I love my H and I can still see love in his eyes when he looks at me. I just don't know where this is going right now. He moved into his parents across town, I am here with the kids and the worst part of it was my daughters birthday was 3 days after he moved out so I was left to deal with it on my own and then I had to play Happy Hostess to him and his family. I failed! It is all too raw for me to be okay. I want him to get the help he needs so that he can be present in the marriage and so that I can stand up for myself. I want to give him the time and space and support he needs but I am going crazy and am hurting so much.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Did you do the 180, Plan a? He's not moving out to need space. He's moving out to feel less guilty about his affair. Time for exposure. Expose. Expose. Expose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## patras (Mar 4, 2011)

I am newbie and am not sure what the 180 is? can someone explain


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The 180 is doing the oppisit behaviors then you use to do. For me it was stop acting like a wimp and man up and stop tolorating my W BS no matter how hurt I was.

Believe it or not pushing her away( my wife) was what brought us back together..go figure

If you are the type that is always there for H well don't be. Are you the one that makes contact 1st? Well dont be..let him call you. Distance your self by focusing on you... stop focusing on H and see what happens.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In addition, if you are the type that likes to keep things like his affair and the marriage behind close doors, well do a 180 and expose it.

Point is, he is expecting a certain behavior from you, do a 180 and it will leave him quessing.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The 180 is as follow, change the gender to your circumstance:- 




> [Copyrighted content removed by request of copyright holder http://www.divorcebusting.com/]
> 
> 
> The stick of Plan A
> ...


Do some research, go to the following sites and read what they say:-

affaircare

Articles

and marriagebuilders

Articles

Do not stand back and let him decide his way forward, take the power away from him and if he wants to save his marriage he must act. 

As for the OW, call her family and parents and let them know that she is interfering in your marriage.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your husband moved out so he can have more freedom to pursue the OW. By moving out he won't have to explain what he is doing, where he goes, who he sees, etc. That's how he is alleviating his "guilty" feelings.

Here's a list of what the 180 program basically entails.

[Copyrighted content removed by request of copyright holder http://www.divorcebusting.com/]

You can also look through the threads on this site. There has been much discussion on the 180 program in the past.

Good luck!


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