# Son still at home at 26 and Wife babysitting for Daughter All Attention to Kids



## SteveG (Dec 13, 2010)

OK, hello out there. Currently my son is 26 and working. He pays a couple hundred for the light bill. My wife cooks a few days a week and cleans and works 1 week a month and helps me out a little with my rental business. We order out frequently and there is no contribution for food or anything else. Wife came to me about babysitting 2 days a week for my new grandkid from my 32YO daughter several weeks back. I said that's not going to work out at this time. I have many irons in the fire and bring in 90+ Percent of the income to the household. Several weeks later she asks again and I say no. Come to find out She agreed to it anyway, before hand and had asked me after she had already agreed to do it with my daughter. 2 of the other days of the week she watches my 9 year old grandkid and transports him back and forth to my daughter. My wife spends more time with my son that with me, when he comes home he tells her all about his work day each day. Just looking for comments I suppose. Been married 31 years.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This isn’t good. Why is your son still at home?? He has a job.

I could understand babysitting the grandkids a couple days a week.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

26 and working, why in the world is he living at home having mommy take care of him. The grandkids, maybe I can see that. 

Am I correct in assuming this is negatively affecting your marriage? Like no sex/intimacy and alone time?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> 26 and working, why in the world is he living at home having mommy take care of him. The grandkids, maybe I can see that.
> 
> Am I correct in assuming this is negatively affecting your marriage? Like no sex/intimacy and alone time?


In the UK it's v common for young adults in their 20's to still be at home due to the very high cost of housing. The only way many can leave home is by sharing a home with others. Maybe this is the reason?

Op, the 9 year old is presumably at school so not around much and I am guessing your daughter works? Again it's v common here for grandparents to care for grandchildren while children work due to childcare costs.

You seem jealous of your own children and grandchildren. Plus resentful of having to be the main earner.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He seems resentful that everyone else is his wife’s priority over him, whereas he is the one providing for everyone. He feejs his wife has nothing left in the tank for him.
Maybe I’m the only one gat sees it.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> He seems resentful that everyone else is his wife’s priority over him, whereas he is the one providing for everyone. He feejs his wife has nothing left in the tank for him.
> Maybe I’m the only one gat sees it.


I agree. Poor guy is a human ATM. At some point you have to pause and ask what am I getting for my money?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM 
your wife is doing what many grandmothers would love to do 

we are 1000 km from our family and would love to have family to call on 
that is what family life is about 
you seem jealous of the connection your wife has with YOUR son , when as I see it you have grown away from your wife 
you need to work on your relationship 
the way to do this has nothing to do with the time she is with her kids and grand kids ,


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> WHAT IS THE PROBLEM
> your wife is doing what many grandmothers would love to do
> 
> we are 1000 km from our family and would love to have family to call on
> ...


They have that connection because of him. She only works one week a month. The guy probably just wants some simple appreciation for the lifestyle he provides.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> They have that connection because of him. She only works one week a month. The guy probably just wants some simple appreciation for the lifestyle he provides.


 a wife is not an escort in that you don't pay the bills that then expect to get endless love 
if he does not know how to have a relationship with his wife and his son and other children all the bills in the world he picks up 
all the gifts in the world with not make a relationship 
you can not buy people 
you have to be able have a relationship with your wife 
he seems jealous of the relationship his son with his mother 
me question is why does he not have the same relationship with his son


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Maybe OP will explain why is son hasn’t left the nest. It’s a reasonable question.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Maybe OP will explain why is son hasn’t left the nest. It’s a reasonable question.


 me son is 21 and started a job he is welcome to stay as long as he wants 
if he wants he can even build a house beside our house as can my girl when she has her schooling done 

there is no law saying the kids must grow up and hump off with themselves 
there is no law saying the son has to get a gf 
and we are in the middle of this covid thing not even easy for young people to meet up now


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Most people know it’s good for the kids to spread their wings and fly a little.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I am not been argumentative just do not agree with the posters here that think if a 
husband is paying the bills that his wife has to be there for his every need like as if she has sold herself and her rights 
as i say there is not law no rule to say the son must go 
it is good to sometimes give them a push to go out and find  friends if they are too much at home


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I feel if I were in his shoes, I’d feel similarly to OP. Sounds like he just wants a little time with his wife because he loves her, and he feels everyone is depriving him of time with his own wife, especially when he needs some help. Her husband should be a priority for her, just as she is a priority for him.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with watching grandkids and most grandparents want to see them regularly.
However, I disagree with a grandparent being deprived of their golden years because they’re stuck babysitting their grandkids. 
I also agree with you that there’s no time limit on when one’s kids need to leave the home.

It seems to me that a man nowadays——nobody cares about his needs. Maybe I’m just feeling a little whiny.😋. Have a good night.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> He seems resentful that everyone else is his wife’s priority over him, whereas he is the one providing for everyone. He feejs his wife has nothing left in the tank for him.
> Maybe I’m the only one gat sees it.


No you aren't the only one who sees that.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> I feel if I were in his shoes, I’d feel similarly to OP. Sounds like he just wants a little time with his wife because he loves her, and he feels everyone is depriving him of time with his own wife, especially when he needs some help. Her husband should be a priority for her, just as she is a priority for him.
> 
> I don’t think there’s anything wrong with watching grandkids and most grandparents want to see them regularly.
> However, I disagree with a grandparent being deprived of their golden years because they’re stuck babysitting their grandkids.
> ...


Actually I don’t see anything loving at all in his post towards his wife, son, daughter or grandchild. I don’t think he’s wanting to see more of his wife because he loves her. 😁

I’m not seeing anything loving at all from him. Rather a list of me me me.

I see a loving relationship between a mother and son, a mother and daughter, and the new baby. And someone listing figures and keeping tabs on contributions, keeping tabs on people’s free time, salaries, and need for normal relationships. And someone not happy about the closeness and love between anyone, not happy about anyone being loving, and doing his best to divide them all.

OP, your wife asked you twice first. So this shows me she respect you, but that you
Command respect in a certain way. The fact that she even had to ask speaks volumes to me. (How did you go about saying no twice? Tell us more about this, and why you don’t want your granddaughter being looked after by your wife?) And that you are not helping your daughter and trying to keep your own grandchild away… speaks even more.

Given you are contributing 90 (does this mean you work a lot?) Have you perhaps not been wise with your money? Did you spend freely, on your terms? Why are you still needing to work after 31 years of marriage? 

What exactly have you contributed to your family life all these years in the way of love and emotion?

It sounds like unless all of their time and energy is devoted to you, there is a problem. 

What is the real problem here? Tell us more about your feelings here, rather than who is doing what - let’s here more about what you’re feeling instead.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> Actually I don’t see anything loving at all in his post towards his wife, son, daughter or grandchild. I don’t think he’s wanting to see more of his wife because he loves her. 😁
> 
> I’m not seeing anything loving at all from him. Rather a list of me me me.
> 
> ...


I agree. His wife is clearly a family lady and that's lovely. 
I found it odd that he referred the the children as 'mine' and not 'ours'. 
As for who earns what, many families have either one earner or one who earns more. She clearly does work part time as well as working caring for grandchildren and running the home,(not all work is paid of course).


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> He seems resentful that everyone else is his wife’s priority over him, whereas he is the one providing for everyone. He feejs his wife has nothing left in the tank for him.
> Maybe I’m the only one gat sees it.


Nope, I see it too. If his wife isn't willing to dedicate time to nurture their primary relationship and continues to take it for granted, she may one day find she has plenty of time to babysit the grandkids, but she may be doing it from a nanny suite while living in one of her kid's homes, because his resentment will continue to build and he may just throw in the towel.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Al_Bundy said:


> They have that connection because of him. She only works one week a month. The guy probably just wants some simple appreciation for the lifestyle he provides.


I’m sure they have that connection because of him, but not in the clinical and mathematical and stoic way you’ve described.

He’s not asking for appreciation at all. He’s making a lot of demands and doesn’t like anyone been close. Just look at how he breaks down family members - son 26 pays light bill. Wife works 1 week out of one month. Grandkid this, new baby that.

On top of the one week she’s working, she sounds like an active woman who’s tending to everybody’s needs, running around loving everyone and helping her kids and her husband. Sounds to me that’s there’s not much of a lifestyle at all for this lady and I’m not hearing how she is being appreciated. can’t be much of a life for a woman her age!

Mister? Do you have any fun?


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> WHAT IS THE PROBLEM
> your wife is doing what many grandmothers would love to do
> 
> we are 1000 km from our family and would love to have family to call on
> ...


You know, I can barely stand you. But maybe I was wrong about you. This is the first time I have seen eye to eye with you on anything. 

I agree with the French snob ( joking ), it is your DUTY as a husband to take care of YOUR family. You helped to make em, no one twisted your arm. Saying no to your wife to watch YOUR GB is total bull. Worried about when your son will leave home, thats on you. Man up and teach him to be a man. 

I worked 2 jobs for 6 years to finish providing for my 3 kids, my new wife and her 2 kids and the child we have together. My 3 children have left on their own and are doing well. Not because I wanted them to leave but because they wanted to experience life on their own. 

I have to go to work or I would say more. 





Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yes @boonez40 you speak the truth. 

We all have a duty. Men provide, women do the kids and home sometimes. Too many of us want to be rewarded and want everyone else to suffer for it.

I wiped a lot of bums and cleaned a lot of vomit and didn’t get much sleep. Dragged them to childcare screaming and kicking at me. They don’t like anything I cook. Won’t pick up their socks. And that’s ok. ❤ But I don’t see it as anything more than my duty to my family, I’m so happy to have one!

They owe me nothing. I love them all and don’t need a medal. And my husband works very hard and I’d lose a lot of respect for him if started that tirade of ‘I work hard, it’s my money and I’m providing and how dare you all enjoy it and not lather me with praise’. Instant intimacy killer. These types of men and the women who harp on about dedicating their lives to kids and homes and husbands should probably be alone, with a salary they can keep all to themselves. And not even a cat for company! 

This is life when you live together. And mixed in there is so much love if can see beyond yourself.

We all need to put our boots on and get on with it and not resent eachother. And stop demanding everyone be so sorry for us and give us accolades.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I would have thought that at 26 the son is at home trying to save enough to get his own place. The wife spends more time with the son and daughter and grandchildren, but she helps him a bit, cooks and does family things... seems normal to me. I find it strange that the husband is complaining about this after 31 years....


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Warning: Unpopular Opinion Ahead!



Luckylucky said:


> OP, your wife asked you twice first. So this shows me she respect you,


He stated that she agreed to watch the grandchild BEFORE she asked him. When he said no she didn't tell the child's parents she couldn't watch the baby. No, she waited, asked again, and then watched the baby anyway. That doesn't sound respectful. At all.



Luckylucky said:


> Why are you still needing to work after 31 years of marriage?


Probably because his wife works part time about 1 week a month.



boonez40 said:


> Saying no to your wife to watch YOUR GB is total bull. Worried about when your son will leave home, thats on you. Man up and teach him to be a man.


Woah! What?!?!? Last I checked the PARENTS of a child were responsible for it's care and feeding. The baby may be OP's grandchild, but it is not his or his wife's responsibility to watch the grandchild. Childcare is the responsibility of the child's parents. If they couldn't afford daycare then they can work opposite shifts, change their lifestyle, or simply not have a baby until they can afford someone to mind it. Now that the baby is here, I suppose they should come up with a solution that doesn't involve imposing on someone else. And yes, they are imposing. OP's wife might think it's great, but OP does not and it's his house and his life, too. One no and one yes equals a no.

Also, in my experience, it's hard to "man up" and make your son a man when his mommy is not on board. 26 and still at home is ridiculous without very good reason. And don't give me the "it's expensive!" bull. If it's too expensive to live away from home like an adult solo, well, then get a better job and/or some roommates.

It sounds to me like this man spent years taking care of his family waiting for the kids to grow up, move out, and allow him to enjoy a quiet, peaceful, home and more time and attention from his wife. Now they should be enjoying their middle age as empty nesters, but with an adult still living at home and 2 grandkids coming over to be babysat during the week that's simply not happening. Not now, not any time soon, unless he either leaves or puts his foot down.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Some people in their twenties actually do manage to move out of mom & dad's and still manage to save money to buy a place and do their own laundry and cooking and, and, and...

What is the world coming to when an adult is expected to act like an adult?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Warning: Unpopular Opinion Ahead!
> 
> 
> He stated that she agreed to watch the grandchild BEFORE she asked him. When he said no she didn't tell the child's parents she couldn't watch the baby. No, she waited, asked again, and then watched the baby anyway. That doesn't sound respectful. At all.
> ...


Yes, my thoughts exactly.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Warning: Unpopular Opinion Ahead!
> 
> 
> He stated that she agreed to watch the grandchild BEFORE she asked him. When he said no she didn't tell the child's parents she couldn't watch the baby. No, she waited, asked again, and then watched the baby anyway. That doesn't sound respectful. At all.
> ...


I'd say, don't have kids or get married, because this stuff happens. My son is 26 and he is at home. He was in Australia working. He had to come back because of Covid and he's been here with us for nearly 2 years. He has a job now and saving up to move out as soon as he can.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You are being taken for granted. Is up to you to level the field. How.. that's up to you how. Decide, but you're going to have to be strong, and the consequences might make it worse, then you'll truly know where you stand.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Some people in their twenties actually do manage to move out of mom & dad's and still manage to save money to buy a place and do their own laundry and cooking and, and, and...
> 
> What is the world coming to when an adult is expected to act like an adult?


Depends on where you live and how much you earn. 
Most young people here can't afford to save and pay the very high rents.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I'd say, don't have kids or get married, because this stuff happens. My son is 26 and he is at home. He was in Australia working. He had to come back because of Covid and he's been here with us for nearly 2 years. He has a job now and saving up to move up as soon as he can.


Why did your son have to come back because of Covid? Did Australia kick him out of the country? Up until recently, Australia was pretty Covid free. So, to willingly go from Australia to Britain during the pandemic was a really foolish move if not required.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Some people in their twenties actually do manage to move out of mom & dad's and still manage to save money to buy a place and do their own laundry and cooking and, and, and...
> 
> What is the world coming to when an adult is expected to act like an adult?


I moved out at 18 and never looked back.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Depends on where you live and how much you earn.
> Most young people here can't afford to save and pay the very high rents.


They can with roommates. Which is what a lot of American kids do. Even older people will take on roommates to save money.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I moved out at 18 and never looked back.


Me, too. With a roommate.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My dad and I are extremely close and best friends. I went to college at 17, came back and lived with my grandmother for two years while I saved for a house. I get saving up for a place. I don’t get using your parents to raise your kids. They’ve raised theirs. It’s your turn. 
4 days a week this guy’s wife is dealing with grandchildren all day. 26 is getting on up there to not be out of the nest. Maybe OP will explain the situation. Is his wife a helicopter parent?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Why did your son have to come back because of Covid? Did Australia kick him out of the country? Up until recently, Australia was pretty Covid free. So, to willingly go from Australia to Britain during the pandemic was a really foolish move if not required.


I don't remember the details, but he had to come back because he only had a few months of work guaranteed and then his Visa would expire. Australia was suspending all flights in and out. He didn't want to risk being stranded in Australia with no job and no way of getting back home. So he left in March of last year with one of the last flights to leave Australia. He was lucky.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Me, too. With a roommate.


I went to uni at 17 and never lived with my parents again. I left my country at 27.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Australia is not CoVid free, we’ve just had our 5th lockdown, borders are closed between states and people cannot work. There are no jobs for people who had jobs, let alone foreigners.

Houses are millions of dollars here and it is normal now and has been for a long time, that adults are staying with parents into their 30s. Many couples have even moved back with small kids to their parents. It is unaffordable here and I don’t really know many empty-nesters living it up. salaries have been stagnant for 10 years, and childcare costs are astronomical so most grandparents do look after the children. The cost of living in some countries is astronomical.

I don’t know how my kids are going to do it and they have good financial habits, and we have been putting money aside for them since they were born.

The reality of two older adults actually living it up and not having to help with grandkids isn’t real where we live.

I am prepared for the time when we will have to do the same, and why not? We are family.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> My dad and I are extremely close and best friends. I went to college at 17, came back and lived with my grandmother for two years while I saved for a house. I get saving up for a place. I don’t get using your parents to raise your kids. They’ve raised theirs. It’s your turn.
> 4 days a week this guy’s wife is dealing with grandchildren all day. 26 is getting on up there to not be out of the nest. Maybe OP will explain the situation. Is his wife a helicopter parent?


I was financially independent early and moved out too, but that was then and the world has changed. To expect the same of this generation makes us old. Like the ‘we had no running water and no electricity stop complaining’ bunch.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Wow, Australia sounds like a tough place to live!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Me, too. With a roommate.


My wife was my roommate 

My wife is a few year older than me, but she also moved out at 18 and lived with roommates. Pretty much every person I grew up with moved out at 18, either to go to college or just to get out.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My daughter is at uni in London. She is renting a room in a house with friends, in not a very fashionable part of London. She had to pay 2 months rent in advance + one month deposit, that's over $3,000 to find... and the rent doesn't include bills. Guess who had to find the money...  That said, I have no idea what rents are like in the USA or Australia.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Agree with the others....26 and still living at home is your problem. Want him to move out? Start charging him rent, utilities, food, etc.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

SCDad01 said:


> Agree with the others....26 and still living at home is your problem. Want him to move out? Start charging him rent, utilities, food, etc.


He pays $200 towards electricity.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Although the stories about living in Britain and Australia are enlightening, the man is flying the US flag and circumstances are different.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m not totally seeing the problem with the son. It’s thE child care service I see as a problem. The son goes to work and comes home and tells his mom about his day. Problem??


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> He pays $200 towards electricity.


That's good. But I would also charge him rent. And if you wanted to be nice, you could put away what he pays and then give it to him as a gift when get he gets his own place. Will give him a little nest egg.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m not totally seeing the problem with the son. It’s thE child care service I see as a problem. The son goes to work and comes home and tells his mom about his day. Problem??





SteveG said:


> *My wife spends more time with my son that with me, *when he comes home he tells her all about his work day each day.


This seems to be the problem. Along with his title "...all attention to kids". He is feeling like the husband/daddy appliance. He'd like to be dusted off and used more often.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> This seems to be the problem. Along with his title "...all attention to kids". He is feeling like the husband/daddy appliance. He'd like to be dusted off and used more often.


nothing stopping the op from talking to his wife about his day , 
what I think is wrong is the couple has grown apart , he can see the son has a better relationship with his mother than the op and is in a way jealous , all that is wrong is the way the op is looking at what is wrong 
the op is not and does not want to see the real story 

the wife I think is shifting her love to the kids as there is no feelings from her side all so 
it is a case of the bills are getting paid and everyone is walking around the pink elephant in the room 
they slowly grow apart and now the husband is starting to see that he has become the one that has least contact with others


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

If they've been married 31 years and have adult children I'm assuming the wife has to be in her late 50s early 60s. With no job history (assumed) what kind of job could she really get? Would he want her working at McDonald's? I think we need more info. Did they agree that she'd go back to work after the kids were grown and she never did? Is the main issue money/contribution or appreciation. Would he be ok if she still didn't work but just appreciated him more? Did he provide alternatives to the childcare such as going on a vacation together and she turned it down to watch the baby?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

family is family it is normal to try help out as long as on one is taking advantage


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Maybe OP isn't communicating everything clearly to us.

Watching your grandchild seems like a very normal, reasonable, and even desirable thing to do. I couldn't imagine telling my wife she couldn't do this 1-2 days a week, unless we really needed her to make more money. Again, we don't know WHY OP said no to this.

26 at home has many possibilities - wont' even guess. If he is capable of renting an apartment, then he should. But who knows. OP didn't tell us enough.

Seems like his family is all living exactly the way they want to....as long as OP continues to bring in the dough. And OP isn't liking that he has no choice but everyone else does.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

My son and I were talking one day. He’s telling me he isn’t going to put in the time/effort I did (my wife was a SAHM) which we agreed upon early on. With 3 kids her job was a lot harder than mine even though I put in a lot of hours/weekends, etc. 

His wife works which helps financially but then says the only way we can have kids is if you all babysit.

I told him no way. You want an easy life don’t have kids.

People and family will use you if you let them. You either stand up for yourself or get used.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

In Absentia said:


> I'd say, don't have kids or get married, because this stuff happens. My son is 26 and he is at home. He was in Australia working. He had to come back because of Covid and he's been here with us for nearly 2 years. He has a job now and saving up to move out as soon as he can.


Uh, I've been married nearly 22 years and have raised 3 children. 2 living on their own and one who passed on shortly after he graduated HS. My 2 surviving children moved out shortly after they became legal adults. 1 of them lives down south because she can make better money there with a slightly lower cost of living. The other lives in a neighboring city. They're both well under 30 and haven't lived at home in years. Middle kid wanted to come back a couple years ago. I told her no. She's grown and has a child of her own. Well past living with parents outside of an emergency. She's currently living with roommates.



In Absentia said:


> I don't remember the details, but he had to come back because he only had a few months of work guaranteed and then his Visa would expire. Australia was suspending all flights in and out. He didn't want to risk being stranded in Australia with no job and no way of getting back home. So he left in March of last year with one of the last flights to leave Australia. He was lucky.


This is a different situation. Your kid moved back home under extreme circumstances. 



Luckylucky said:


> The reality of two older adults actually living it up and not having to help with grandkids isn’t real where we live.


Why not? Serious question. I understand COL is high, but surely you have suburbs and smaller cities where the COL isn't so high? Maybe it's an American thing, but whenever I hear people complain about COL I find out they live in a major metro area on one of the coasts and think "MOVE!". Just that simple. Freakin move to a lower COL area. They're all over the place. Then I hear "But muh jerb!" because, ya know, there aren't jobs elsewhere. After jerb I hear "But I like XYZ about Metropolis!" Well, ok then, stay there. But stop crying about COL. You choose to stay there. Kinda wondering if it's the same in Oz.

Also, there really is no "have to" help with grandkids. That is very much optional. The grandkids are their parents responsibility. If they can't afford care for their kids I am sure birth control is available. And if they decide to have babies anyways they can figure it out. I know quite a few couples who work opposite shifts to care for young children when daycare is out of the budget.



In Absentia said:


> Guess who had to find the money...


No. No you didn't have to find that money. You chose to. She could have worked and saved it herself.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

This is an interesting thread, So many factors in play. To begin with the COL in most places with decent jobs is astronomical. A one bedroom apartment is 1600 a month where I live. Forget buying a house Unless you have 100k to put down. The cost of day care is also through the roof. A minimum of 1200 dollars a month. Long gone are the days of a one income family. Young adults in their 20’s and 30’s will never achieve what us older generation did. 
My son recently had a baby. His wife has to go back to work next week. Not for the extras. Just to pay rent and buy food. I will happily watch my grandchild. Me 3 days a week her mom 2. Was this what I planned? Nope. I am grateful to be able to not only help them but have a strong bond with my grandson. I’m not going to live forever so if I can help them I absolutely will. Will I be working harder than I expected? Sure but for what better cause? 
Just my 2 cents.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

SteveG said:


> Just looking for comments I suppose.


You will get better advice if you are more clear about which problem you want to fix and what outcome you are looking for.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> In the UK it's v common for young adults in their 20's to still be at home due to the very high cost of housing. The only way many can leave home is by sharing a home with others. Maybe this is the reason?
> 
> Op, the 9 year old is presumably at school so not around much and I am guessing your daughter works? Again it's v common here for grandparents to care for grandchildren while children work due to childcare costs.
> 
> You seem jealous of your own children and grandchildren. Plus resentful of having to be the main earner.


Not just a problem in UK. It’s a problem here in the US as well. I’m not sure what happened to this last batch of parents (not all of course) that have allowed their children to continually stay at home late into their 20’s. I graduated college in 2004. After effects from 9/11 were still being felt (at least in my field of work) and I couldn’t find a job. I was pissed off I had to move back home with my parents when I was 24. Thankfully, that only lasted 3 months. That was the last time I ever needed their help.

I fully plan on informing my children that they will always have my wife and I if all else fails. The main goal of course is to build strong and capable adults that can fend for themselves.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

frenchpaddy said:


> WHAT IS THE PROBLEM
> your wife is doing what many grandmothers would love to do
> 
> we are 1000 km from our family and would love to have family to call on
> ...


The problem is that he's out there supporting his whole family and getting very little back. His wife works a little and does some work around the house. It seems like she spends more time babysitting than supporting / running the household. This would be fine EXCEPT he's stated that he was against this as he feels stretched too thin ("too many irons in the fire"). She has time to hang out with and help their children but not enough to help him, who ironically makes it possible for her to live that lifestyle in the first place.

Basically, if he's paying all the bills he deserves the lifestyle perks that come along with being the sole wage earner. Right now he has the worst of both worlds: he has the financial responsibilities of being the sole breadwinner without the perks of having a stay at home wife. I'll bet that if she worked as hard at running the home as he did at his job and side gigs and fit in helping her kids after that, instead of the other way around, he'd be much happier.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> I would have thought that at 26 the son is at home trying to save enough to get his own place. The wife spends more time with the son and daughter and grandchildren, but she helps him a bit, cooks and does family things... seems normal to me. I find it strange that the husband is complaining about this after 31 years....


Gotta disagree with you. Yes doing family stuff is normal. But, letting your husband bring home 90% of the income without taking care of most of the home responsibilities is disrespectful. At that point you're not his partner - you're living off of him. You're letting him do the heavy lifting while you pretty much coast and do other stuff. He even asked her to shoulder more of the responsibility and she refused. That's a huge problem.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I don't think the OP is complaining about having his kids or grandkids around regularly; most guys love the kids and want to participate in their lives. IMO the problem is that he's been relegated to the nitty gritty of providing full-time for the family while everyone else gets to use what he's providing basically for free. He finds earning their living stressful / taxing but his wife is not willing to help more.

Look, I get helping the kids because life is expensive. Like someone noted before me, life is much tougher for those just starting out now than when I was coming up (Gen X). Everything costs more (especially school and housing) and wages have not kept up. My kid will live at home while in college - at my suggestion - so she doesn't have to choose between graduating on time with a ton of debt or taking forever so she can work. She'll cover her personal expenses during that time and I imagine for a while longer. She wants her own house and it's going to take a while to build her career enough to afford one. But even then, she's not going to work full-time in her late 20s and chip in $200 here and there - you should do more as you develop and have more to give.

I was in a situation analogous to the OP. Prior to my divorce, my ex and I both worked full time. I made quite a bit more than she but it showed in the hours I worked and commute time to work where the good jobs were. At some point she decided I should cover all the bills and she made no net contribution to the household. I basically had all the responsibility of a sole breadwinner with none of the perks. I paid all the bills and came home to do at least half the chores (usually more). There's no upside to living like that and it wears on you.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

azimuth said:


> If they've been married 31 years and have adult children I'm assuming the wife has to be in her late 50s early 60s. With no job history (assumed) what kind of job could she really get? Would he want her working at McDonald's? I think we need more info. Did they agree that she'd go back to work after the kids were grown and she never did? Is the main issue money/contribution or appreciation. Would he be ok if she still didn't work but just appreciated him more? Did he provide alternatives to the childcare such as going on a vacation together and she turned it down to watch the baby?


I think he's worn out and needs her to contribute more. He did say that when she asked to watch the little one he said no because he had lots of irons in the fire; that sounds like someone who needs help, not just someone who feels left out.

As far as working at McDonalds or some other basic job, why the hell not? You can stock shelves at Target and make $15 an hour minimum plus get an employee discount. If she's 60, full retirement age is 67. She could work five years full time and bring home $100k plus benefits. Not a fortune by any means, but enough to make a real difference in their lives if he's struggling to keep them comfortable.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> Why not? Serious question. I understand COL is high, but surely you have suburbs and smaller cities where the COL isn't so high? Maybe it's an American thing, but whenever I hear people complain about COL I find out they live in a major metro area on one of the coasts and think "MOVE!". Just that simple. Freakin move to a lower COL area. They're all over the place. Then I hear "But muh jerb!" because, ya know, there aren't jobs elsewhere. After jerb I hear "But I like XYZ about Metropolis!" Well, ok then, stay there. But stop crying about COL. You choose to stay there. Kinda wondering if it's the same in Oz.


COL here in the U.S. is high relative to wages everywhere it seems. A study just came out that says there isn't one region where the cost of rent outpaces the low wage jobs that are proliferating right now. What good is it to move to where the COL is 20% lower, if wages are 20% lower as well?

As I noted, I do believe in helping out family - but not to where I'm harming myself. He can keep his kid living at home but charge him maybe $500 instead of $200. If daycare ordinarily would be $75 a day, his daughter can pay $40. Clearly, the OP supporting everyone on his dime is very taxing and thus the others can and should help more.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Torninhalf said:


> The cost of day care is also through the roof. A minimum of 1200 dollars a month. Long gone are the days of a one income family. Young adults in their 20’s and 30’s will never achieve what us older generation did.
> My son recently had a baby. His wife has to go back to work next week. Not for the extras. Just to pay rent and buy food. I will happily watch my grandchild. Me 3 days a week her mom 2. Was this what I planned? Nope. I am grateful to be able to not only help them but have a strong bond with my grandson. I’m not going to live forever so if I can help them I absolutely will. Will I be working harder than I expected? Sure but for what better cause?
> Just my 2 cents.


I completely agree and would do the same for my daughter, but only if I wasn't harming myself - that is the key. The OP needs help, asked for it, and was denied. That's a whole different thing than if he was comfortably retired (or cruising into it) and has the resources (time and money) to spare.

Just because our generation had easier circumstances as a whole doesn't mean all of us have extra to give. Lots of us got beaten up in the last 20 years (three nasty recessions) or maybe never did that well to begin with).


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Luckylucky said:


> Yes @boonez40 you speak the truth.
> 
> We all have a duty. Men provide, women do the kids and home sometimes.


If you're lucky enough to have a man who makes enough to be a sole provider.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your son should not still be at home but I don't see how that all up to your wife. Seems to me you have some say in 
that too. Why don't you just talk to him and tell him he's got 6 months to get his own place and find a roommate, that if he never moves out and gets out from under his mother's apron strings he'll never be a proper independent man. 

Good luck getting her to give up babysitting for the grandchildren. Some women just seem to not have any other identity than caring for children. So if they don't do it they don't feel like they're anybody. If I had finally gotten kids out of the house and they came back wanting me to babysit the grandkids on any regular basis, I wouldn't like it or do it, but there are a whole lot of grandmothers who would and do, whether it's because they just want to and it makes them feel useful or whether it's because they can't say no to their kids. Why don't you tell her to only do it when you're not home. I think that's reasonable unless you're home all the time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frenchpaddy said:


> a wife is not an escort in that you don't pay the bills that then expect to get endless love
> if he does not know how to have a relationship with his wife and his son and other children all the bills in the world he picks up
> all the gifts in the world with not make a relationship
> you can not buy people
> ...


So what are his wife's responsibilities for making their relationship work?
What are his son's responsibilities while mooching off his parents? 

It takes 2 to have a relationship.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DTO said:


> Gotta disagree with you. Yes doing family stuff is normal. But, letting your husband bring home 90% of the income without taking care of most of the home responsibilities is disrespectful. At that point you're not his partner - you're living off of him. You're letting him do the heavy lifting while you pretty much coast and do other stuff. He even asked her to shoulder more of the responsibility and she refused. That's a huge problem.


I think if he is very unhappy, he should divorce her and live on his own. He can do his own cooking and cleaning and also manage his business with no help whatsoever. A last a bit of freedom form his blood sucking, sponging family members.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@SteveG

When was the last time you and your wife went out on a date, just the two of you?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i am not here to push people into a divorce , it is not my role here ,
I do not like going through a persons posts with a fine come to see if I can tell them you need a divorce ,
but it happens sometimes people grow apart without knowing ,
I think in this case this is what happened 
it is not his doing and it is not his wifes doing , 
she may have replaced her husband with the son , and she may be taking him for granted 
he might be a good husband or he might be a good bread winner and he as well might be taking her for granted , 
what can he do now , 
I THINK HE CAN DO A FEW THINGS , 
first make a plan put in place what way he wants it to work out ,
then work backwards to make that happen , 
if the result is not what he wants then he needs to rethink why 

if it was I 
i would bring home roses the next day from work , 
if he is not working over the weekend i would take her shopping and to dinner , 
if he is not getting a result I would move out of the house 
say why and if that was not effective I would be looking for a divorce 

but if I can think back was there a remark made that sex life was under question 
sexless marriage is said 10 times in a year or under , 
this can have an impact in more ways than me think and could be part of what is wrong


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

DTO said:


> COL here in the U.S. is high relative to wages everywhere it seems. A study just came out that says there isn't one region where the cost of rent outpaces the low wage jobs that are proliferating right now. What good is it to move to where the COL is 20% lower, if wages are 20% lower as well?
> 
> As I noted, I do believe in helping out family - but not to where I'm harming myself. He can keep his kid living at home but charge him maybe $500 instead of $200. If daycare ordinarily would be $75 a day, his daughter can pay $40. Clearly, the OP supporting everyone on his dime is very taxing and thus the others can and should help more.


COL in major metro areas is high. Even in my midwestern state I couldn't afford to live in City. However, a 25 min freeway ride from City to suburban city allowed me to buy a nice little house. As of right now, I just checked local rents, 2 minimum wage earners working 35 hrs a week minus 23% in tax (average for single earners with no dependents here) can afford to share a 2 bedroom, 1 bath, small house or apartment.

And OP wasn't complaining about free rent or free childcare. He was complaining that the son still lives at home and the kids are eating the weekdays. He doesn't want $$. He wants to enjoy his middle age without children, adult or otherwise, underfoot.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

frenchpaddy said:


> i am not here to push people into a divorce , it is not my role here ,
> I do not like going through a persons posts with a fine come to see if I can tell them you need a divorce ,
> but it happens sometimes people grow apart without knowing ,
> I think in this case this is what happened
> ...


What? Now he's also supposed to bring her roses and take her shopping and to dinner? Why the f?

The kids are all grown, all adults, and it's _still all about the kids_ and she isn't a real life partner to OP, focusing on helping funding THEIR life and running THEIR household. together. OP is merely the paycheck to her. If I were him I'd need a lot of things to change.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

OP hasn’t said much, and hasn’t been back. I don’t think he mentioned anything about really wanting to spend time with anyone. Rather, he doesn’t like anyone else to spend time with anyone else.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Livvie said:


> What? Now he's also supposed to bring her roses and take her shopping and to dinner? Why the f?
> 
> The kids are all grown, all adults, and it's _still all about the kids_ and she isn't a real life partner to OP, focusing on helping funding THEIR life and running THEIR household. together. OP is merely the paycheck to her. If I were him I'd need a lot of things to change.


 but it is not for us to judge him on this one , 
he seems to have excepted not having sex for a long time , 
it is now when he feels an outsider in his own house he starts to think ,
we don't know what it is that he wants 
he is not clear on if he wants the son out of the house if he wants to only see his kids once a year 
he is not even clear if he wants more sex just that he is not getting much , 
i am only saying what I would do 

i did not advise him to do so 
For all I know he might be a tight fecker that is jealous of others that talk to his wife 
he might even be feeling different today it might have been a post out of a feeling down moment ,


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