# What do do when stbx ignores custody orders..



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

What do you do when you feel like you have no control over your life? I have been going through the divorce process for a little over a year, and it’s the most frustrating thing that I have ever been through. I have primary physical/joint legal so I have the kids a great deal of the time. The biggest issue is that he doesn’t always get them when he is supposed to and I either get very little or no notice at all. This happens frequently, and it causes me to have to scramble at the last minute to make accommodations because I plan for the kids to be with their father when they’re supposed to be. Most recently, he went “on vacation” the week of my birthday, a milestone birthday that I’d been talking about for years since the last milestone didn’t go as planned (I don’t normally celebrate my birthday but I asked for him to make a big deal for that one).

Since his missed visitations and other violations were so frequent, I was able to modify the order and have him to provide a calendar since he would “forget” that he would be out to sea or say that he would be and then still pick up the kids from school. Here’s the problem though, he is a little more manageable when his girlfriend is not around. Now that she is back from deployment, he’s been missing more and even “forgot” to tell me that he couldn’t get the kids and they were left at the school, again. He missed I don’t know how many days since the beginning of the year and I try not to say anything because he seems giddy when I get frustrated. He’s said that he doesn’t want to have a judge tell him when he can see his kids (although he was willing to have a GAL because he didn’t want to make an agreement with me), and I understand that but I told him that we can’t live around him and his inconsistency. My problem is, when I say something to him, he ignores me and says that I’m bitter or just in my feelings because he’s with his AP, but if I don’t say anything then he gets carried away and just walks all over me. It’s like a lose, lose and I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice to deal with someone who’s on their own program.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It looks like having a formal visitation schedule as declared by a judge is the only thing you can do. Your husband has proved that he can't be responsible with the more relaxed arrangement. It isn't fair to your kids. Your husband is a jerk.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I would keep a running journal or log of the times he does not follow through on what he is ordered to do. When you have a long enough list, petition the court to find him in contempt of the court's order. Show the court that his actions are causing a hardship on you, which it sounds like they definitely are.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

The unfortunate part of this is:

You can't change your husband.

Not even a court of law can change your husband.

Not even God will change your husband, against your husband's will. It is a theological question as to whether God "can". However, in my 37 years of observing God work in people's lives, I've never seen Him do it. He waits for the person to want to be changed, then, He does it.



WhiskeyVictor said:


> it causes me to have to scramble at the last minute to make accommodations because I plan for the kids to be with their father when they’re supposed to be.
> 
> What do you do when you feel like you have no control over your life?


From now on, just make the accommodations in advance and do not plan for the kids' father to be there. In this way, you will have control over your life. There is, sadly, no other way to have the control you seek. Your husband is going to continue to be the selfish imbecile he has always been. Depending upon him gives your husband "control", not you.

Continuing in your current mode will have you continuing to pay dearly. It is convenient to trust your husband, but results in further inconvenience.

If he shows up to take them, just say "....sorry...I knew I couldn't depend on you, and already made other arrangements...."


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*An enforcement of the visitation schedule is really about the only legal remedy that you have available to you! But have your attorney make him pay for all of the applicable court costs/legal fees in the enforcement of the court order.

Now perchance that the order is executed and enforced by the court and he still doesn't live up to it? Without a verifiable excuse, he can be fined or possibly even jailed for it. 

And if he does go to jail, then that's indeed a verifiable excuse and, viola, you're stuck with the kids anyway! *


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

https://www.militaryonesource.mil/family-relationships/relationships/relationship-challenges-and-divorce/child-custody-considerations-for-members-of-the-military

Does any of this apply?

I come from a military family and my memory was that you don't ever let so much as an unpaid parking ticket get to your CO.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> What do you do when you feel like you have no control over your life? I have been going through the divorce process for a little over a year, and it’s the most frustrating thing that I have ever been through. I have primary physical/joint legal so I have the kids a great deal of the time. The biggest issue is that he doesn’t always get them when he is supposed to and I either get very little or no notice at all. This happens frequently, and it causes me to have to scramble at the last minute to make accommodations because I plan for the kids to be with their father when they’re supposed to be. Most recently, he went “on vacation” the week of my birthday, a milestone birthday that I’d been talking about for years since the last milestone didn’t go as planned (I don’t normally celebrate my birthday but I asked for him to make a big deal for that one).
> 
> Since his missed visitations and other violations were so frequent, I was able to modify the order and have him to provide a calendar since he would “forget” that he would be out to sea or say that he would be and then still pick up the kids from school. Here’s the problem though, he is a little more manageable when his girlfriend is not around. Now that she is back from deployment, he’s been missing more and even “forgot” to tell me that he couldn’t get the kids and they were left at the school, again. He missed I don’t know how many days since the beginning of the year and I try not to say anything because he seems giddy when I get frustrated. He’s said that he doesn’t want to have a judge tell him when he can see his kids (although he was willing to have a GAL because he didn’t want to make an agreement with me), and I understand that but I told him that we can’t live around him and his inconsistency. My problem is, when I say something to him, he ignores me and says that I’m bitter or just in my feelings because he’s with his AP, but if I don’t say anything then he gets carried away and just walks all over me. It’s like a lose, lose and I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice to deal with someone who’s on their own program.


You can absolutely take this back to a judge and either change the visitation times or have something declared that if he misses his appointed time he loses some amount of visitation.

The problem is that this costs more and more money to attorneys, and even if you "win", no judge or other entity can actually *enforce* the visitation schedule.

So if you "win", and you have a new agreement, and he doesn't meet the agreement again, then again sure, take it back to a judge, get yet another one issued....more money to attorneys.

Win that one, he messes up again, take it back to the judge, more money to attorneys. And so on forever, and no one benefits but the attorneys.

Unfortunately, parents are left on their own to try to handle these issues. Judges can make all the new declarations you want (at thousands out of pocket to you to attorneys) but none of them can make the other parent follow the agreements.


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