# Difficult Spot To Be In. Looking for Guidance as to What to Do.



## what_to_do_now (Oct 30, 2010)

I've written a few other posts in the past and always find this forum so helpful. Here's where I'm (we're) at today after my wife's affair. 

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My wife had an affair from August until October of this year. She fell deeply for this other man (who is also married). She said he awakened her. After initially finding out about the affair we had a couple of setbacks within the first 6 weeks, she was having trouble stopping. Finally, she has stopped seeing and communicating with him. This is VERY hard on her. I can tell. She's going through serious withdrawal and it's making her question everything.

Coinciding with her affair, she's also been doing some personal work on herself to try and figure out who she is and what she wants out of life. She's been a stay at home mom for years (we have two kids, 6 and 8 years old) and has never really had a career. She's quite unhappy with where she is in life, other than with our kids. She's been seeing a therapist to help guide her. She even went on an 8 day intensive retreat to really work on "HER". She returned 2 weeks ago and is starting to have some confidence in herself but is still really all over the place in her thinking.

About 3 weeks ago, she had one foot out the door and was on her way to leaving. Now she has decided to stay and sort through her confusion and has agreed to start seeing a marriage counsellor in the new year. 

What keeps me really anxious is that, AT THIS POINT IN TIME (which seems to change constantly) she will not make a commitment to wanting to make our marriage work. She does not want to have an outcome in mind. She wants to go down the path and do whatever feels right as the confusion starts to lift.

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I've done lots of reading on the topic of infidelity and affairs and understand that she is in the "withdrawal" stage of her lover. She's totally addicted to him (or at least the way he made her feel) and she totally doubts that she can have that feeling with me again. She even doubts that she ever did. During this stage I think she fantasizes about a "grass is greener" scenario out there where she can find a new life that will totally fulfill and meet all her needs. 

I know that I'm willing to do the work in our marriage to allow her to have all the love, support and space to fulfill her personal needs and am very eager to work harder on learning how to meet all of her emotional needs. The ones that maybe I was missing filling prior to the affair.

I'm struggling right now on a daily basis with my own anxiety because she is so "flip-floppy" and will not make a commitment to REALLY, TRULY working on our marriage. She will make a commitment to being here and taking it one day at a time. 

It's hard for me on the roller coaster because one day I can tell she's closer to talking herself into leaving and exploring a new life and the next she's wondering if that happiness can be found inside of her marriage. What makes it harder is that the affair has even skewed her vision as to what our marriage was like before. She sometimes doubts that she was ever in love with me. I know this is bull****, and she's just saying and believing stuff like this to justify the affair.

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So here's where I need some advice/support. 

I keep telling myself that my wife is in the "withdrawal" stage of her affair and is totally confused and that I just need to put in some time for her to get to the other side where she may be able to think more clearly. 

Am I kidding myself? Does this stage/state of mind actually exist? Am I in total denial?

I'm willing to do all the work it takes and be the "keeper of the flame" through this period, but it makes me very anxious. I know she "LOVES ME, BUT ISN'T IN LOVE WITH ME" (our very favorite quote on this site)....but I'm trying to support this marriage, almost singlehandedly to get to the point where she is able to fall back in love with me. 

I've read that she can't possibly start doing so until she's past this withdrawal stage and that anything I do in a positive loving manner right now isn't really contributing at the level it should. It will only start counting once she's past that stage and can start appreciating and focusing on me. 

This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and need some support and re-assurance I'm on the right path, or a path that even makes sense. 

I hope i'm not just in denial and totally wasting my time. (I don't believe I am because I do truly, truly love her and know at her core she is the most amazing person - she just made a horrible choice along the way, I'm hesitant to call it a mistake, and we're all paying the price for it. I think, based on her depression, anxiousness and confusion she's paying the price even moreso.

Any thoughts, guidance and support are much appreciated.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I would suggest that she's in an "affair fog" (talked about frequently on this site). Until that fog is lifted, she won't think straight. Also, she needs to get medicated for depression so that she can function well (no alcohol or drugs as well).

Be certain that there is no contact with the OM. Be the best husband you can be. It may help her out of the fog. 

My wife also painted a dismal picture of our marriage during the year that she was engaging in her EA. It's hard to have a romatic weekend away, when she was in the lobby texing the OM. I thought we were having a great time, she was emotionally elsewhere! How can she possibly think that things in our marriage were good if she was not emotionally present. Very little has changed with me since her affair ended, yet she now things it's the "greatest marriage" in the world and "everything she ever dreamed of". The main difference is that she took her mind back from another man!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Best advice is for you is to look after you, 

Search AFEH's posts for the 180. This is designed to protect you and if done right will compliment the Plan A, she will look at you as the better man. Over time she will come back into the marriage.


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## INguy (Dec 21, 2010)

Before I found my wife had cheated, we were having problems and would not commit to working or even wanting to work on our marriage. 6 months later I found out she had an affair. 

Just make sure the affair has really ended. Things got better after my wife ended hers. Granted it's only been a few weeks but she says she is committed to making it work. before, it was " I don't know" every time we talked.

See a therapist and focus on yourself. Be strong and confident even though you don't feel it. And Zoloft really helped me too.


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