# Is unfulfilling sex a reason to call off a wedding?



## emyarb (May 17, 2014)

I am getting married in 3 months and am having some serious doubts about it. I am 27, my fiance is 32 and we have been dating for 2.5 years. We have both been in serious relationships before and felt like this was the real deal. We have a lot in common, the same life goals and love each other very much. The only thing lacking is the sex. It was never mind blowing, but it was also never that bad. I just assumed sex would get better as the relationship progressed. I have tried to talk to my fiance about it but he gets defensive, and I feel like it makes it worse. He says that sex is such a small part of the relationship and that everything else is good, so I should just deal with it. I have not had an orgasm in at least 4 months and he doesn't seem to care. I am starting to feel attracted to other guys and have felt jealous of a couple of my girl friends when they tell me all they are looking for in a relationship right now is good sex. I feel incredibly guilty and like I am a bad person for even considering calling it quits because of sex, but I know that something like this could turn into something way bigger later. I just don't want to make it a bigger deal than it is. How big a deal is it that the sex is bad and my fiance doesn't care about satisfying me sexually? Worth calling off a wedding for? Help!


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Call it off.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

DO NOT MARRY!!! Read a bunch of stories in this section and in the divorce section to find out why!!

A broken engagement will be soooooo much less painful (and expensive and devastating) than a divorce.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Yes, I would call off the wedding if I were you. Odds are it will only get worse and you will get more resentful. Read the posts here of spouses not getting sex from their spouse and odds are if they knew the future they would not have gotten married. Since you are starting to get attracted to other men and you haven't even gotten married sound like there is a likelihood you will cheat on him. The fact that he doesn't care would really make me call off the wedding.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

If he isn't willing to at least have a conversation about it, sex will never get better. I wouldn't marry him. Sex is a large part of a relationship to one of you. That causes huge issues as you know. You are already looking at other men and wishing you had it. 

Don't marry him. Tell him exactly why.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I wish I could give credit to whoever originally said this but I don't remember who it was. I believe it was on this site.

They said that sex is only 10 % of the relationship...
unless it's bad, and then it is 90 % of the relationship.

I am less concerned about the quality of the sex you are having than I am about the defensive attitude your man is showing.

That is what will continue to vex you in my opinion. I am sure others will also give you good advice. When you have weighed it all it is time for one more conversation with your guy and you will have to put everything on the table - even the idea of calling it off...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Here's a glimpse at your future if you marry him:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journal.html


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dealbreaker. Call it off.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> He says that sex is such a small part of the relationship and that everything else is good, so I should just deal with it. I have not had an orgasm in at least 4 months and he doesn't seem to care.


I wouldn't _dream_ of marrying someone like this.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

To me, the physical attraction had to be there. I would not have made it six months with my wife if it was not there. I had some relationships prior to meeting my wife with some girls and actually stopped calling on one of them mainly because she just was not a good kisser – she was beautiful, smart (actually in med school) and very fun to be with – but I just could not get past the point that she just did not kiss well.

How did you make it three years without being attracted to him? I mean life’s too short and it is just not fair to you or him. Another thing I question here, why is he still with you? I mean it sounds like you told him that you were not satisfied. If my wife, even today, ever told me that I did not do it for her – I promise – I would be gone. If she did that just prior to marriage - I gone!! 

To me, deciding to marry someone is one of the most important decisions you will ever make – so, you really do have to be 100% sure or do not do it. I actually traveled and saw my first love about four months prior to asking my wife to marry me – I just wanted to make sure that there was not something still there – and, there was not. Although, I still thought my first love was beautiful, I came to the conclusion that I definitely could walk away without giving it another try and more importantly, I knew that I could not live without my wife.

The big question for you is – can you see yourself living the rest of your life without your fiancé? If the answer is yes, then there you have it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

I married someone against me better judgment, my gut told me it wasn't right, the sex was lacking. Like your fiancée, he convinced me it would all work itself out. BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. 

Twenty years and two kids later I got out. I met the love of my life and feel sad that ex and I wasted all those years miserable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## emyarb (May 17, 2014)

Thank you all for responding so quickly! One of the reasons this is so hard for me is that A is the most amazing man I have ever known, and he is totally willing to talk about the sex thing because he does really want it to work. And we are more than compatible in every other way. I think the reason he gets defensive about the sex is that he is embarrassed that he is just bad at sex. He has a hard time staying hard very long most times and I am worried he is experiencing some ED. He just doesn't seem to have as high of a sex drive as me. And I am feeling so guilty about being attracted to other men. Its not that I am not attracted to my fiance, but he doesn't look at me like he wants me. Even when we are being intimate, its like he looks at me like I am a wounded animal and he is afraid of doing something wrong. I want it to work out with him so bad!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think total transparency, on both sides, might be able to salvage this. But it must be total, 100% transparency. Forever.

Transparency and a total commitment to solving problems can work miracles.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You should discuss it and try to lay out what he is doing wrong and how this could be better. Given that the relationship is good in other areas, try to address this. But if it cannot be resolved, you probably don't want to start a marriage with a critical component seemingly lacking.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you think there's any chance of fixing the sex, postpone the wedding a year and work on things for 6 months or so, and reevaluate. Otherwise, call it off.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

emyarb said:


> he is embarrassed that he is just bad at sex. He has a hard time staying hard very long most times and I am worried he is experiencing some ED. He just doesn't seem to have as high of a sex drive as me.


It seems a bit inconsistent that on the one hand he is willing to talk about it but on the other hand zero progress has been made.

Some men need to be coached on the clitoris and it isn't exactly rocket science. You moan and arch when they're doing right, and some direct verbal commands like "slower...faster" eliminate uncertainty. But it sounds like he doesn't do much in the way of muff diving. 

That's a requirement for me. You want BJ's? Better reciprocate!


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I'd call it off. Sex and intamacy is huge in a marriage. If he's not up for it you will not be happy long. Sounds like it's already started.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If you were a younger couple I would say call it off now. But you guys are old enough to be able to communicate in a way where he doesnt get defensive and he finally figures out what you need.

Give it a try. The not staying hard stuff....that could be medical or stress related but is probably EASILY fixed.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Do not marry him! No matter how wonderful he is, at best be he can only ever be a great platonic friend. A great husband is much more than a great housemate.

If your man can't bring you to orgasm very easily if at all, it's highly likely he's doing it wrong! I wouldn't recommend marriage postponement either, how many more months or even years do you have to waste?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

emyarb said:


> I am getting married in 3 months and am having some serious doubts about it. I am 27, my fiance is 32 and we have been dating for 2.5 years. We have both been in serious relationships before and felt like this was the real deal. We have a lot in common, the same life goals and love each other very much. The only thing lacking is the sex. It was never mind blowing, but it was also never that bad. I just assumed sex would get better as the relationship progressed. I have tried to talk to my fiance about it but he gets defensive, and I feel like it makes it worse. He says that sex is such a small part of the relationship and that everything else is good, * so I should just deal with it. *


The bolded part is why you should leave him. You have told him that you are a need that is not being met. In a relationship, each of you should do everything you can to meet the other person’s needs. He does not care what your needs are. He basically told you to shut up about it. He is not marriage material.

The purpose of dating is to find out if the other person is marriage material. It’s not to push and push until a square peg fits into a round hole. You have dated him long enough to find out that he’s not a guy who will make a good marriage partner. It’s time to move on.




emyarb said:


> I have not had an orgasm in at least 4 months and he doesn't seem to care


Does this mean that the two of you have not had sex in 4 months? Or does it mean that when you do have sex, he get off but he ignores your needs?

How often are the two of you having sex?



emyarb said:


> I feel incredibly guilty and like I am a bad person for even considering calling it quits because of sex, but I know that something like this could turn into something way bigger later. I just don't want to make it a bigger deal than it is. How big a deal is it that the sex is bad and my fiance doesn't care about satisfying me sexually? Worth calling off a wedding for? Help!


Yes it’s worth calling off the wedding. Anything that bothers you now, before you are married will bother you 100 times as much after marriage.

Can you imagine yourself going the rest of your life with no orgasm? Just giving him sex as a duty? 

You would benefit from reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs"... you need to be more assured about the fact that you have every right to expect your fiancé/husband to meet your needs (and you his). The book will help give you the language and assurance of this.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

emyarb said:


> Thank you all for responding so quickly! One of the reasons this is so hard for me is that A is the most amazing man I have ever known, and he is totally willing to talk about the sex thing because he does really want it to work. And we are more than compatible in every other way. I think the reason he gets defensive about the sex is that he is embarrassed that he is just bad at sex. He has a hard time staying hard very long most times and I am worried he is experiencing some ED. He just doesn't seem to have as high of a sex drive as me. And I am feeling so guilty about being attracted to other men. Its not that I am not attracted to my fiance, but he doesn't look at me like he wants me. Even when we are being intimate, its like he looks at me like I am a wounded animal and he is afraid of doing something wrong. I want it to work out with him so bad!


Well this is slightly different to him simply telling you to "deal with it," OP. If your BF has erectile problems, that is an different issue, IMO, as it could account for him simply not having the confidence to experiment etc. However, this should be addressed medically before tying the knot with him.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

ED at such a young age? What could account for that?

1) He is not attracted to you – don't marry him
2) He is very low drive – don't marry him
3) He is gay – don't marry him
4) He lacks confidence in bed and loses his erection because of performance anxiety – fixable
5) He has medical issues – fixable? Does he smoke? Drink? 

Even if he has had ED, the could have munched rug to get you off.

Why not book a sex therapist?

Wild monkey sex is good for pair bonding


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Even if he has had ED, the could have munched rug to get you off.


This is a good alternative but, _long term_, most women will desire / crave a lot more than this...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> If you think there's any chance of fixing the sex, postpone the wedding a year and work on things for 6 months or so, and reevaluate. Otherwise, call it off.


Completely agree. And the two of you should go see a licensed sex therapist (not a regular marriage counselor). You need to cut to the chase and find out if he is capable of meeting your sexual needs, is he willing to face this together? But just know that sometimes you can't "fix" matters of chemistry and attraction.

If you are already attracted to other men, that's a HUGE red flag. It will only get worse as time goes on, and you will not be satisfied in your marriage.

My ex was "amazing" in a lot of other ways too. High income, good father, great provider, etc. but lousy together in bed = lonely marriage.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

if sex is important to you, call it off. one of the benefits of being married is you have a sexual partner available to you and you don't have to go looking for it.

stay in this rship and i predict after a while, you'll be out looking for it. 

good luck.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Completely agree. And the two of you should go see a licensed sex therapist (not a regular marriage counselor). You need to cut to the chase and find out if he is capable of meeting your sexual needs, is he willing to face this together? But just know that sometimes you can't "fix" matters of chemistry and attraction.
> 
> If you are already attracted to other men, that's a HUGE red flag. It will only get worse as time goes on, and you will not be satisfied in your marriage.
> 
> My ex was "amazing" in a lot of other ways too. High income, good father, great provider, etc. but lousy together in bed = lonely marriage.


:iagree: It was when I found myself responding to the attentions of another man that I decided it was time to end my 6 year sexless marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Telling you to deal with it sounds like he's fine with the way things are. If you marry him under the current circumstances it's likely you could end up in a sexless marriage like so many here. That's no way to live.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> ED at such a young age? What could account for that?


:iagree:

My guess is that there is a significant emotional issue underlying this. Whatever is going on needs to be fixed before the wedding happens. Getting married doesn't make things better, it magnifies whatever problems are there already.


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## GIM003 (Feb 5, 2014)

OP, there are so many red flags in your posts that it is hard to ignore the majority advice that you not get married. 
Your second post offers some hope that your situation can be salvaged and it seems that there are plenty of positives in your relationship. If he is simply "bad" at sex and if he is open to working on things, then this can be fixed together. ED can be treated. However, this needs work before any wedding takes place, not after. As others have said, postpone if necessary. Your problem will not go away on its own. If your sex drives are significantly asymmetrical, then you will have problems in your marriage. You know this already; that is why you are here.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Honey, it just isn't going to ever be great, mind blowing sex, no matter how much he can improve. If you are ok with NEVER having great sex again in your life (and some people really would be ok with that) then go ahead and marry him.

But you likely would not choose this if you could see your own future, I'm sorry to say that. Love doesn't fix a mismatched sexual relationship.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

If your sex isnt mind blowing dont marry.

Too many problems will arise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdoe (Apr 22, 2014)

I beg to differ from everyone else here. You are thinking of yourself, rightly so, but you're going just a bit overboard. Think of everyone else involved. The wedding planner, the church, the cake lady, the flower lady, the photographer -- all their livelihood depends on you. A contract is a contract. And of course all the family and friends who will be inconvenienced if you cancel. Just what are they supposed to do that Saturday afternoon? You said Yes already. Stand up like a man (or a woman, as it were), and just go through with it. You will have the rest of your life to regret it. You can come back to this forum in 3 months + 2 weeks for honeymoon, then tell us how it sucks.

(Seriously: he's 32 and you're 27, madly in love, about to get married, and sex ALREADY sucks? I like the one advice given above: postpone, try to fix the sex, and if not, just be good friends).


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you really love him, let him go. Be honest with him so that he makes his next relationships better. Make it a surgical cut.

Your marriage will make you both far more miserable than the pain of separation now. Don't make him suffer and don't make the biggest mistake of your life.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> The bolded part is why you should leave him. You have told him that you are a need that is not being met. In a relationship, each of you should do everything you can to meet the other person’s needs. He does not care what your needs are. He basically told you to shut up about it. He is not marriage material.
> 
> The purpose of dating is to find out if the other person is marriage material. It’s not to push and push until a square peg fits into a round hole. You have dated him long enough to find out that he’s not a guy who will make a good marriage partner. It’s time to move on.
> 
> ...


Omg, 100x yes to all of this. The biggest issue is not even the sex, it's the fact that you disagree about it being an issue, you're the only one who cares about creating/maintaining a healthy and fulfilling marriage (which includes a satisfying sex life. Period), and that he is not willing or able to discuss and find a solution (why would he? As far as he's concerned, there is no problem). Your problems should be his problems. He's already showing you that that's not how he sees things- that so long as its unimportant to him, then he will not concern himself with it. Thank your lucky stars he gave you a glimpse into the real him now, before you have real ties to him.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

emyarb said:


> I have not had an orgasm in at least 4 months and he doesn't seem to care.


4 months? That says it all. What's the rush, POSTPONE the wedding and see how it goes. If it does not improve, the question for you is "how important is sex" to you? It would be a deal breaker for me, but I am not you.


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## MzLurker (May 21, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> If you think there's any chance of fixing the sex, postpone the wedding a year and work on things for 6 months or so, and reevaluate. Otherwise, call it off.


Going to have to agree.

I assume you know how to cause an orgasm on your own, have you tried new positions and giving a helping hand, as it were?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

CALL IT OFF. If you are having issues with sex now dont do it. It will NOT get any better and you will be miserable.

His needs, wants and desires will not change after you marry him, after marriage they will probably be non existent. You will be left with a roommate who you hate.


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## jdoe (Apr 22, 2014)

ladybird said:


> His needs, wants and desires will not change after you marry him.


His needs, wants and desires *WILL* change... for the worse....

Again, he sounds like a terrific fellow ... to have as a platonic friend.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Another thread where the OP apparently never returns... :scratchhead:


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Sounds to me as though he's trying to minimize the importance of sex because he's lacking confidence that it will ever get better. 

Being bad at sex is one thing. Some of us are just not naturals at it. However when you love someone you will do what it takes to learn to make them happy. If he's not showing willingness to work to make things better you're not going to be able to fix it unilaterally.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Lack of perfect sex isn't a reason to call off a marriage. Finding out your partner is dismissive of your concerns or needs is. If you raise something that legitimately bothers you and your partner's response is "deal with it", leave that person on the curb. That's evidence of serious selfishness and lack of empathy or concern for your well-being. To put it bluntly, to such people, nothing is a problem unless it's a problem for them. That's a piss-poor attitude for a life partner to have. If you are important to someone, your pain is their pain, your concerns are their concerns. They can't be content while you are suffering. Someone who clearly hears your legitimate concerns and doesn't at least try to adjust fire isn't life partner material. If your needs aren't important to them, you aren't important to them.


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## wimaine (Mar 22, 2014)

Please please please do not doom both of you to a relationship that does not measure up. 

Here's the thing. If both people don't care, then sex is not an issue. You clearly do care. Please take it from me that if this is not a sexually fulfilling relationship now, then it never will be. Ever. No matter what. 

You can bring in all the toys or kink that you want; if you essentially DON'T enjoy sex with your partner, nothing will change that. The added spicy things such as toys and kink are meant to enhance a relationship. Nothing can satisfactorily manufacture one that just -- if you look at it realistically, in your heart -- isn't there. The chances are very good that you will wind up bitter or cheating or both. 

I have been married twice. I thought the same as you do for my first marriage; the sex was pretty meh but of course we could change that, couldn't we?? Or maybe I just have lost some of my sex drive? 

Neither was true. I realized at one point that sex was now something I tolerated until it was over, because I got nothing from it. I wound up cheating on him (I don't advise this; it was completely my inability to deal in an appropriate manner), and pretty sordidly hooking up with someone else. 

The main point is that sex should be something that at the beginning is good enough between you that you are at least temporarily completely obsessed with getting it. Like, 24/7 in your mind. After a long time, you still want it a lot, but it's just to a point that it doesn't overshadow everything else in your life. The key here is that you should still look forward to it. If you don't feel like this before you get married, you never will. 

And PLEASE don't think that, as a person to whom sex actually matters (or else you wouldn't have asked), a relatively platonic marriage can still be fulfilling and happy. Not long-term, it almost certainly won't. The fact is that sex matters in a relationship as long as YOU feel like it matters.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

This has been my story - I married a really wonderful man. Really wonderful - but not overly sexual.

We have been together 19 years, things have not changed a lot.

They have changed somewhat. A year ago I hit my breaking point with the lack of orgasms, oral and even manual stimulation. I had never had an orgasm with him.

He has changed. He does try. He does everything I ask. Originally I felt this would be enough.

Not to sound ungrateful, of course. He has proven that he cares for me, loves me. I can count on him for everything. We have a bright future, so I do have all of that.

I am 44, though - I have never had the experience of a man trying to bring me off for HIS pleasure. I've ever been with a man who is dying to be with me. Not to get off himself, but to be WITH ME. I've never been with a man who WANTED to give me oral or to see how long he could string me out.

The most I will have is a man who knows it's fair that I receive pleasure too and will try to deliver. A man who has become good at oral but likely has an eye on the clock too.

It is not the same thing.

And yet, knowing what I know, I can't say I would choose differently because there are other ways that he is everything to me.

Don't kid yourself, though. You can't make something that is not there. He could be someone's sexual dream and you could too. Only together you will be half a click off and it will make all the difference. You should really think that over. You will likely choose s I did, because you love him. There will be times it feels okay and e will be times that you grieve. 

I couldnt leave him then knowing we had this issue and I still can't leave him.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I have never had the experience of a man trying to bring me off for HIS pleasure. I've ever been with a man who is dying to be with me. Not to get off himself, but to be WITH ME. I've never been with a man who WANTED to give me oral or to see how long he could string me out.
> 
> The most I will have is a man who knows it's fair that I receive pleasure too and will try to deliver. A man who has become good at oral but likely has an eye on the clock too.
> 
> It is not the same thing.



This is SO TRUE for my relationship. Miss Scarlett I wish I had a friend like you in real life to talk to. I feel like we are on exactly the same wavelength.


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## last worthless evening (Feb 11, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> This has been my story - I married a really wonderful man. Really wonderful - but not overly sexual.
> 
> We have been together 19 years, things have not changed a lot.
> 
> ...


Miss Scarlett - that makes me so sad. This is exactly what I love doing - all that you described - would just love a more appreciative audience, rather than just occasional grudging
acquiescence.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

bad sex happens. bad sex in itself is not a reason to call it off. the reason to call it off is his unwillingness to work on it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I disagree, Fozzy. 

Bad sex (from the start) is rarely something that can be fixed. Work on it or not, it usually means incompatibility that won't change. If it was ever good and then went bad, then yes, it can be worked on. Not usually true when it has always been bad.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

When I said bad sex happens, i was speaking more in light of specific instances. sometimes it's good, sometimes not so much. I think sex has potential to get better over time between two people who have the desire to please each other. I'm certainly better than I was at the beginning, and I suspect you are as well 

OP's main problem in my opinion is that her soon to be spouse does not appear interested in sexual growth.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Leave!!! DO NOT MARRY!!!

I am divorcing after 10+ years of marriage because the sex is non-existant, and was not great to begin with. I stupidly got married because she was pregnant.

Now I get to go through a painful divorce process, after having wasted these years of marriage on an illusion of happiness.

DO NOT MARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

emyarb said:


> I am getting married in 3 months and am having some serious doubts about it. I am 27, my fiance is 32 and we have been dating for 2.5 years. We have both been in serious relationships before and felt like this was the real deal. We have a lot in common, the same life goals and love each other very much. The only thing lacking is the sex. It was never mind blowing, but it was also never that bad. *I just assumed sex would get better as the relationship progressed. I have tried to talk to my fiance about it but he gets defensive, and I feel like it makes it worse. He says that sex is such a small part of the relationship and that everything else is good, so I should just deal with it. I have not had an orgasm in at least 4 months and he doesn't seem to care.*
> 
> * I am starting to feel attracted to other guys and have felt jealous of a couple of my girl friends when they tell me all they are looking for in a relationship right now is good sex. *I feel incredibly guilty and like I am a bad person for even considering calling it quits because of sex, but I know that something like this could turn into something way bigger later. I just don't want to make it a bigger deal than it is. How big a deal is it that the sex is bad and my fiance doesn't care about satisfying me sexually? Worth calling off a wedding for? Help!


It sounds you have HAD ORGASMS in the past with other men, so you KNOW what mind blowing sex IS.. and despite how many things line up in these other areas (life goals, you feel you love each other).... but this one wonderful exhilarating thing is lacking... Sexual fulfillment, your toes curling.. the highs of mind blowing release...where you want to give him the world cause he deeply cares to satisfy YOU..and to go all out on that account...to bring you with him....these things are absolutely HUGE..listen to all the posters here ...they know of what they speak.. 

If you go forth with these reservations...it will be a mistake...there is a reason you posted here.. you are dying inside...you know you NEED MORE...you will seethe with resentment ...given what you have shared about *HIS ATTITUDE* IN THIS...he has revealed ..and spoke that he just wants you to "get over it".. not willing to work with you... to care about YOUR NEEDS...

NOT OK.... do NOT Marry this man.. it will only get worse ..he is a selfish lover and he is downplaying what is important to you..even BEFORE YOU WALK DOWN THE AISLE... it's bad enough that it happens plenty after the vows....these are waving red flags.. of his character even.... 

His putting up a defensive wall.. he has given you nothing to even hope for, to grasp on to...he is pushing you out...you will only be left with a sorrowful, unfulfilling marriage bed... this attitude will inevitably extend over in other areas also.... 

Yes the saying is very true ... sex may only be 10 % of a relationship but when it's fulfillment is not there, when our needs , our pleasure is rejected...it's something that can consume you...it clouds everything.. making it feel like 90% of your issues.. very true...


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I disagree, Fozzy.
> 
> Bad sex (from the start) is rarely something that can be fixed. Work on it or not, it usually means incompatibility that won't change. If it was ever good and then went bad, then yes, it can be worked on. Not usually true when it has always been bad.


How does one tick all the boxes then?
Would you marry someone who gave you amazing sex, say, 2-3x a week and yet he was selfish/unattentive in other areas of the marriage?

Such a fine-balance when talking about marriage and a prospective life-partner...


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Sex does not get better as a relationship progresses unless both parties are enthusiastic about it from the start and clearly want one another. In those circumstances the sex may not be fantastic all the time at the beginning because they don't know yet what buttons to push in what way.

However if there is a general lack of interest from either party things WILL NOT get better.

My marriage is a case in point. My husband was never all that good in bed. In the early days he had more enthusiasm because we were in the first flush of the relationship, but he's never been sensual and has always been pretty formulaic.

We ended up in a sexless marriage for years. We are now working things through and I have had to accept that the sex is never going to be fantastic. At least there now IS some sex. The other aspects of the marriage are good enough that I have been prepared to make that compromise.

At the beginning I did not take heed of the red flags. With hindsight I may have had a more fulfilling relationship had I chosen someone else. That's not to say that I don't love my husband, because I do, very much. It's just that if I knew then what I know now I would probably not have made the same choices.

I think the OP should definitely put off the marriage and see whether this can be worked out.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

emyarb said:


> I am getting married in 3 months and am having some serious doubts about it. I am 27, my fiance is 32 and we have been dating for 2.5 years. We have both been in serious relationships before and felt like this was the real deal. We have a lot in common, the same life goals and love each other very much. The only thing lacking is the sex. It was never mind blowing, but it was also never that bad. *I just assumed sex would get better as the relationship progressed*. I have tried to talk to my fiance about it but he gets defensive, and I feel like it makes it worse. He says that sex is such a small part of the relationship and that everything else is good, so I should just deal with it. I have not had an orgasm in at least 4 months and he doesn't seem to care. I am starting to feel attracted to other guys and have felt jealous of a couple of my girl friends when they tell me all they are looking for in a relationship right now is good sex. I feel incredibly guilty and like I am a bad person for even considering calling it quits because of sex, but I know that something like this could turn into something way bigger later. I just don't want to make it a bigger deal than it is. How big a deal is it that the sex is bad and my fiance doesn't care about satisfying me sexually? Worth calling off a wedding for? Help!


BIG mistake. I learned this the hard way. Our sex life was ok prior marriage and she was trying to make it better. I figured it could only get better after marriage. I was totally wrong. She doesn't try anymore, only the bare minimum. She doesn't need to try now because we are married and I can't break up with her as easy if we were just dating.

It will NOT get better and if you don't want to have a miserable existence for the rest of your life, or a costly divorce, don't get married to this person!

And don't ignore the other posts with the same recommendation. This is no joke. You are in a place I can only wish I was in again to have made a different, but correct, decision.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

davecarter said:


> How does one tick all the boxes then?
> Would you marry someone who gave you amazing sex, say, 2-3x a week and yet he was selfish/unattentive in other areas of the marriage?


You tick them off by being social, pursuing your interests, and living your life. You wait to marry until you find someone that checks enough boxes in the areas you find important: sex, finance, family size, other interests. Or, you don't marry.

IMO people that settle (excessively) because they don't want to be alone, want someone to help with the practical aspects of life (i.e. someone to help with bills or run a household), or feel that biological clock ticking are making huge mistakes.


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## LolaLynn (Jun 10, 2014)

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

LolaLynn said:


> YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Triple YES!!!!!


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

emyarb said:


> I am getting married in 3 months and am having some serious doubts about it. I am 27, my fiance is 32 and we have been dating for 2.5 years. We have both been in serious relationships before and felt like this was the real deal. We have a lot in common, the same life goals and love each other very much. The only thing lacking is the sex. It was never mind blowing, but it was also never that bad. I just assumed sex would get better as the relationship progressed. I have tried to talk to my fiance about it but he gets defensive, and I feel like it makes it worse. He says that sex is such a small part of the relationship and that everything else is good, so I should just deal with it. I have not had an orgasm in at least 4 months and he doesn't seem to care. I am starting to feel attracted to other guys and have felt jealous of a couple of my girl friends when they tell me all they are looking for in a relationship right now is good sex. I feel incredibly guilty and like I am a bad person for even considering calling it quits because of sex, but I know that something like this could turn into something way bigger later. I just don't want to make it a bigger deal than it is. How big a deal is it that the sex is bad and my fiance doesn't care about satisfying me sexually? Worth calling off a wedding for? Help!



Get out now or you will soon be posting here like the rest of us. LOL. You have the luxury of knowing. I wish I knew about this site in my 20's.

IT WILL NEVER CONSISTENTLY BE WHAT YOU WANT!!! It will have its moments but It wont cure your problem bro. At least you know before hand. Lucky you.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Hurra said:


> BIG mistake. I learned this the hard way. Our sex life was ok prior marriage and she was trying to make it better. I figured it could only get better after marriage. I was totally wrong. She doesn't try anymore, only the bare minimum. She doesn't need to try now because we are married and I can't break up with her as easy if we were just dating.
> 
> It will NOT get better and if you don't want to have a miserable existence for the rest of your life, or a costly divorce, don't get married to this person!
> 
> And don't ignore the other posts with the same recommendation. This is no joke. You are in a place I can only wish I was in again to have made a different, but correct, decision.


Dude listen to this man!! They start falling apart 6 months after honeymoon then the excuses start to pour in.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

emyarb said:


> I am getting married in 3 months and am having some serious doubts about it. I am 27, my fiance is 32 and we have been dating for 2.5 years. We have both been in serious relationships before and felt like this was the real deal. We have a lot in common, the same life goals and love each other very much. The only thing lacking is the sex. It was never mind blowing, but it was also never that bad. I just assumed sex would get better as the relationship progressed. I have tried to talk to my fiance about it but he gets defensive, and I feel like it makes it worse. He says that sex is such a small part of the relationship and that everything else is good, so I should just deal with it. I have not had an orgasm in at least 4 months and he doesn't seem to care. I am starting to feel attracted to other guys and have felt jealous of a couple of my girl friends when they tell me all they are looking for in a relationship right now is good sex. I feel incredibly guilty and like I am a bad person for even considering calling it quits because of sex, but I know that something like this could turn into something way bigger later. I just don't want to make it a bigger deal than it is. How big a deal is it that the sex is bad and my fiance doesn't care about satisfying me sexually? Worth calling off a wedding for? Help!



Sex is definitely not a small part of a relationship. Obviously not to you. Any reason is a good reason to postpone or even call off a wedding. Especially one that can only be fixed with your partners help. In this case it does not seem like he s very interested in fixing your problem and that is another reason to postpone or cancel a wedding. 

Sex and money are the 2 biggest reasons for divorce. That should tell you how important it is. Fix it before the wedding or don't get married
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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