# Once a cheater, always a cheater?



## NotAlwaysEasy (Jun 21, 2012)

What are your thoughts, feelings and experiences with the quote "Once a cheater, always a cheater"?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I like to think that I won't always be a cheater... nor will my husband. I cheated, betrayed my husband, with not one... but two EAs. He betrayed me in the same way, having one EA. I do not believe I will ever do it again. I do not believe he will either. In that respect, I don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater"... 

However, having done it at least once already, we both know how easy it is to do it again, so we have to actually WORK to prevent it from happening again. In that respect, I guess you could say the sentiment does apply.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I compare them to "once a a wife beater always a wife beater".

I have changed and no longer push my chick around, just like she changed and no longer sleeps around. Sure we both have the capacity to go back to those dark times, but there are life style changes that one makes to be a better person, as an individual. And we choose to stay with these healthier change not for our spouse but for our selves. 

It just so happens we both desided to hang around with each other and enjoy the new ride.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Would it run in the same sense of "once an alcoholic,,"??

They may go to AA,,and not drink for 20 years, but they are always going to know that they cannot ever have just a "sip", or they will be hooked again....

So if a cheater gets the "sip",, would they be able to control themselves???


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

N in O, 
Yes, thats why anger management is so inportant to me, and affair proofing my fWW's marriage is inportant to her. You have to keep using the tools that were taught to you through IC, b/c the capacity will always be there.

But poeple can change....can't they?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

If the cheater realises the error of their ways and empathises with the pain their actions have caused, it's unlikely they'll re-offend. However, if the cheater doesn't see a problem with their actions or it doesn't register with them, the severity of their actions, it's very likely they'll cheat again.

It also depends on how much worth the cheater places on their partner. If you're expendable to them, then the cost of losing you through cheating isn't that high. Hence why you see many cheaters with NPD.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

C-
I liked what you posted b/c I have witnessed 1st hand on how a serial cheater can be created.

At the end of the day you have to see the problem to keep from repeating it.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

the guy said:


> N in O,
> Yes, thats why anger management is so inportant to me, and affair proofing my fWW's marriage is inportant to her. You have to keep using the tools that were taught to you through IC, b/c the capacity will always be there.
> 
> But poeple can change....can't they?


They may be able to change,,but they will always remember that "high",, won't they?

I didn't know till after my H's EA's that he had cheated on his previous wife as well...(physical)... his EA's were with the same women......he says NOW are "just friends"....???

Maybe he didn't see the hurt he put his previous wife through with the A...but he had to of realized that it was wrong... but did the same to me through our 11 years together...and now wants me to give him another chance,,,that it will never happen again.. can/should I believe him???

Everyone is different.... I don't think the statement is universal.... but nothing is guaranteed either....


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

My H had one affair, 11 years ago, it was a fairly major one, he left our family & was going to marry her (she lived overseas). 
He has shown no signs of doing that again & declares he is a changed man. Since then I have had no concern he is cheating or thinking of it, so in this instance, I don't believe my husband is a serial cheater. They definately do exist though. I told my ws I would forgive once only.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm currently going through R with my husband after I cheated. After seeing the pain it's caused him and the rift that's grown between us, I realize that cheating is not something I would ever do again. Aside from being remorseful, I am trying to work on building additional safeguards and improving our communication to prevent further cheating.

So basically, I'm saying "no". But a lot of work is involved


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The thing with addictions, and yes cheating is an addiction...is with every high you have to come down...well you don't have to come down but if you know what healthy for you you will.

So ya there is a high, but is the high worth the low....I think not, hence the importance to make a change in your life.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

the guy said:


> The thing with addictions, and yes cheating is an addiction...is with every high you have to come down...well you don't have to come down but if you know what healthy for you you will.
> 
> So ya there is a high, but is the high worth the low....I think not, hence the importance to make a change in your life.


I agree, but tell that to people addicted to pain meds.... they will destroy their family, get sober, see the affect it had,, and well... repeat....

I do agree people can change their behavior... but in everyones mind that knows about the A,,, will that person ever escape the label?

If they are committed to their spouse again for say 5 or 10 years,,and then you look out the window and see them sitting in their car, or just somewhere away from you talking on their phone,,, will you wonder??

The BS has "triggers" long after,, won't the cheater as well?

I'm not saying they will cheat again,, I guess I'm just saying that the cheater will always be.

I am still "fresh" in all this, so maybe the length of recovery will offer different opinions on this as well.


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## NotAlwaysEasy (Jun 21, 2012)

I cheated on my ex with my DF (6-7 years ago), and I guess you could say I cheated on DF with my ex too, coz DF didn't know I was already in a relationship at the time.
I was 17, and had been trying to get out of the relationship for over a year. My ex was abusive and controlling, emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually, financially. Eventually I just checked out of the relationship and when I could, I lived my life as though my ex wasn't in it. It helped that I didn't actually live with my ex (although he tried his hardest to spend every second of his life with me). My ex would threaten to kill me, or himself, or both of us when I tried ending our relationship.
I met DF and it started off as an EA, then when I met DF in person it turned into a PA.
I should have told DF about the situation I was in, and he would have helped me, but of course I was scared of losing the one good thing in my life. (I was very much suicidal)
Things came to a head when my father assaulted me, and through all the mess that followed my ex realised that our relationship was over. My ex took me to his house after the assault, and I spent the night on the phone to DF. I think my ex was faced with reality that I had checked out, and he just let me go my own way.

There's no excuse for cheating, but DF understands why I acted the way I did, he doesn't agree, but he understands.
Would I ever do it again? NO WAY. For a start I wouldn't be in that sort of relationship again, and I learnt from my mistakes. Having a partner that loves me and will listen to me, or at the very least leave the relationship if I wanted to makes it easy. I love having communication in my relationship!! 

So yeah, pretty much I don't agree that once a cheater, always a cheater, but it's not easy, it's not as simple as it just stops, like everyone else has said, it's like an addiction and something that you have to work on avoiding and preventing, but I think that goes for everyone whether they have cheated or not - it can happen to anyone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> They may be able to change,,but they will always remember that "high",, won't they?


No. Well, not entirely. The 'high', such as it was, was nothing compared to the feelings of disgust and self-hatred that I felt after I had cheated.

On the very point of physically cheating, I saw a clear image of my wife's smiling face and I snapped out of it, then. I did not physically cheat. I knew I was doing wrong.

That image of my wife's face as I realised in an instant what a POS I had become, or perhaps had always been, still haunts me, today.

_*That image is what I remember. *_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

LeslieH said:


> I'm currently going through R with my husband after I cheated. After seeing the pain it's caused him and the rift that's grown between us, I realize that cheating is not something I would ever do again. Aside from being remorseful, I am trying to work on building additional safeguards and improving our communication to prevent further cheating.
> 
> So basically, I'm saying "no". But a lot of work is involved


Good for you.Keep it up.:smthumbup:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If I believed that saying, then I wouldn't bother with R.


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## diamond76 (Jun 26, 2012)

I definitely agree with N in O as I had a similar experience. I have been married for almost 10 years and last year I caught my H with his EAs. It was very hard for me to go on and forgive... and I discovered he was cheating on me the worst way. I had already suspected that he cheated on me, because of his strange behavior... so I decided to *spy his pc* through a system I found on an Italian site Endoacustica. I discovered he had conversation with several “female friends” and that he had met most of them. In his Facebook messages he also wrote the details!!! I was shocked, angry, I wanted to leave him. He promised me that he would never do it again. But... how can I believe him? 
I agree with N in O... “Everyone is different.... I don't think the statement is universal.... but nothing is guaranteed either...”


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Each Human being is unique. I think the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' holds true for some -- but not for others. The problem is that neither the cheater nor the betrayed really knows for sure how the cheater will behave in the future. Therein lies the rub.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Is it possible to Un-Cheat?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

I think for the betrayed spouse, it is the doubt and insecurity that will never leave them.

I do think that once someone sees how easy it is to cheat that they will be tempted again. 

My STBEH was outed, but if not for that the affair could have gone on for years.

Also many cheaters get better at hiding their cheating over time.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

yes

and above all else if they never cheat again it still shows a person who is corrupt and that you should avoid. 

Just saying

i dont consider being forced into a marriage running away and remarrying to be cheating though as their was no consent involved when you are forced to do something. I do think however those who are ignored and who have sex withheld from them are in a really bad and sad position in those cases i do still think cheating is wrong very wrong but i am more sympathetic.


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## diamond76 (Jun 26, 2012)

I really agree with what you've written, especially with "many cheaters get better at hiding their cheating"... and it was precisely for this reason that I decided to *spy him*. I never thought I'd do something like that someday, but now I'am aware of how easy it is to be tempted, especially when he goes out with his colleagues and leaves me at home or when he is on Facebook. And I don't know how to cope with this situation yet. I don't have the strength to leave him, but on the other hand I cannot forgive him...:scratchhead:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I feel a cheater is always in recovery much like a drug addict or alcoholic.
you never stop being a drug addict,you never stop being an alcoholic.you just switch from being an active one to being a recovering one.


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## matt82 (Jun 28, 2012)

The comparison to alcoholism is a good one. Once you're an alcoholic, you're always an alcholic. Likewise, once you've cheated, it's only a matter of time and circumstances before you do it again.

Personally, I'm a "one and done" type. She cheats once, then it's time to move on. It's the old "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" adage. Better luck to her with the next schmuck that comes along.

Of course, many try to work through it. More power to them. IMO, there are plenty of women out there--why spend a lot of time "working" with one that obviously has no respect for you?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

matt82 said:


> Of course, many try to work through it. More power to them. IMO, there are plenty of women out there--why spend a lot of time "working" with one that obviously has no respect for you?


I feel the same. I read the emails between the OW and my STBEH. 

They were both complaining about their respective loyal spouses. 

The complaints seemed so childish and immature Things like we are boring because we don't like to go to night clubs frequently and we don't like to travel too often and we are too intellectual and we planned too much for the future rather than living in the moment and we worried about our spouses health and such. Too weird.

Seriously, they sounded like two teenagers complaining about their parents. My STBEH is in his 50s and the OW in her 30s.

Also, many of those things could have been compromised on prior to an affair. 

Now, after the affair, why bother to engage with someone who disrespects us so badly.


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## ambermc (Jun 29, 2012)

Hi, I do believe once a cheater always a cheater. Could you tell me how you spied him? I need to do the same... I think my H ha an EA, but I don't know how to catch him in the act...:scratchhead:


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## diamond76 (Jun 26, 2012)

Amber... I found a system to spy a pc on this site I don't know if they can help you,... I hope so. I still don't know what to do with my H... it is so difficult to go on!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

ambermc said:


> Hi, I do believe once a cheater always a cheater. Could you tell me how you spied him? I need to do the same... I think my H ha an EA, but I don't know how to catch him in the act...:scratchhead:


Amber:

Someone send me anonymous emails, and copies of their emails, I later found the texts on his phone, but not all of them because he had several phones and a burner phone. 

My STBEH is to tech savy to use key loggers


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