# don't understand him-sorry it's long- on another forum post but need input



## jensenk2010 (Dec 18, 2010)

I am new to this so I will say a little about my history
we have been married 20+ years, have less than 10 children but more than 6, we have had various issues throughout.
he is very selfish, buys himself expensive vehicles, snowmobiles, 4 wheelers, etc. and a lot of them on credit cards which is high interest.
he is also selfish with his time, goes where he wants when he wants and usually it is with his friends.
so we have been neglected for most of our marriage.
he also has had an affair a couple years after we were married,
and then contacts her on fb and some very inappropriate content
to their messages, he also called her and they talked for at least 2 hours, etc. well when I found all of this out and I found out by searching the computer, emails, etc. I was devestated to say the least. i was in a deep depression and couldn't hardly function at all.
I then thought one day he will be gone and I have no job (stay at home mom for most of marriage), or skills so I went to school.
well he was jealous of me going to school and wanted things the way they were before I went.
I wouldn't quit and did what I had to to make it through my first year which required a lot of studying and time away.
I noticed his behavior changing this last summer with just little stuff at first but then I got suspiccious and started looking at cell phone bill. long story short he had been talking to and texting a gal he works with, could be others but reverse look up will only tell me so much without paying, I just know I did not know a lot of the numbers.
anyway, I was mad he said they were friends and he isn't her friend anymore and bla bla. well I started school again and he did start talking to and texting her again. during this time though we did have sex and that has always been great. well he gets mad at me one night for continuing to question him about this girl and tells me to get the f*** out of our bedroom and his house..so I slept elsewhere that night and started looking for places to go...he later in the month or weeks or whatever he tells me he will leave, so he left 3 months ago. at first it seemed like he was sad, then it was like he was free,then I would hear things about him and one time I heard him talking to a gal while his cell phone was still on because I called and he thought he hung it up. I was furious and told him
to get his stuff out of the garage that night. I bawled, he never came and I threw his junk (there was a lot) all over the yard and alley and left it. when he found out he was PO. I was so hurt and angry, etc. anyway that was in the first month. he later on, a week or two told me he doesn't understand why it has to be this way, he would then turn and say mean things like get a life, it's over, face reality it will never ever work, etc. etc. I would go a few days and wouldn't talk or text then he would for a minor question, then he wouldn't text me while the kids are here on the weekends but when they are there, he does. it seems as if he is playing games with me because he says something that gets my hopes up but then turns around and shoots it down. the first month he didn't give me any money. i asked him if he wanted a legal separation or divorce in a text and he quickly wrote-divorce. I was really hurt. I didn't want a divorce but he was always telling me to file. I then told him if he wanted one so bad why didn't he file he said he will. but someone said it is better for the person who files first and anyway so I did. he now has to pay child support, and we are going through the crap that goes a long with it and my emotions have been a roller coaster but at times I don't know what to think. after I kept looking at the cell bill he bought another phone so he could call his girls with that one and I wouldn't know about it. anyway one time he text me and asked me if I was happy, I text back asking why and he was mad because I didn't answer. another time he text asking if I remember our wedding day and I said yes it was best day of my life and asked him if he remembered our time on the way home and he said he did asked me what went wrong, then said this is all for the best, that he was sorry for the pain and good bye. so I get really confused, one time he is concerned if I'm happy, the next time he don't care, one time he asks if I remember our wedding day and then turns around and says good bye. There is so much I am confused about. it makes it harder for me to move on when I am getting mixed messages from him. there is so much more but this is so long already and I really need your input about what I am to think. does he really want it over? is he done with our marriage? why do I care when he has been the one unfaithful ( I have never been)? why do I care so much about our marriage and it seems like he doesn't care at all? please help.....


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I think Maya Angelou said it wonderfully (check my siggie) when she said "The first time someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM". He's SHOWING you who he is. He's showing you to be a callous philanderer who just wants to play games with you. Maybe he DOES have a nostalgic feeling every once in awhile..but it's not enough to keep him in the marriage, doing the right thing as a husband and a father, and a MAN in general. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants...and damn anyone that gets in his way.

I don't know why you care so much, honestly. By the time I got to where you are (20 years in) I didn't care about anything anymore. I prayed he'd find someone else so he'd leave me alone. But mine was AWFUL. I used to wonder many years ago why someone would bother divorcing after so long of a marriage, then I lived one and found out. People evolve and change over the years. Sometimes the change is for the better, sometimes for the worse. We can find ourselves waking up to someone we don't even know anymore. 

You can't make him care about the marriage, and you can't make him want to be married. All you can do is change you. Go forward. Do great and wonderful things that make you happy and cause you to have personal growth. Have experiences to add to your life resume. If he sees you becoming happy and independent, chances are that he's going to kick himself for being a boob. I hope by then you won't want him back.


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## jensenk2010 (Dec 18, 2010)

Thank you major misfit. You are right. What you said made sense and I appreciate your input. Sometimes it is just hard accepting what I know is true but don't like hearing it. I do know though we all need to hear the truth not just what we want to hear. Thanks again.


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