# She´s had enough of me



## GusS (11 mo ago)

Its going to be a long read, and I'm trying to be brutally honest about my shortcomings as a husband, i just need an honest perspective into this, from the bottom of my heart thank you for reading:

I'm a 37 year old man, earning about 2/3rds or less than my wife does (she's 35), I'm a very Homey guy, i love working on upgrades to the house, building stuff, washing cars, cooking, etc., i like to travel but don't really go out of my way to plan for it, i work for a big company and i would like to be self employed at some point (but i haven't really made a move in that direction either)

we've been married for 6 years now, dated about 7 years before that, and it has always been an issue for her that i lack "ambition", i consider myself a happy human being in that i try to be positive, thankful, and happy with what I've got, but towards the end of our dating cycle and through our marriage things have become violent (she has hit me in anger, and I´ve hurt her when i grab her wrists to stop her from hitting me more), usually make excuses and shift blame as well when we fight, the truth is i know i am not a good husband, but i do apologize and own up to my own mistakes when she lets me know I'm doing it.

I kiss her every night, and every morning and i say "I love you", i rarely use her name to address her, its always "babe", "princess", "good looking", "beautiful" or something like that, i caress her back most every night trying to get her to stop looking at her phone and i don't know, maybe want to kiss me or even just turn around, (she's told me that that kind of affection is not enough for her anymore), i cant find a way to touch her or love her that makes her be interested in giving me affection anymore (she never initiates sex, nor does she hug me or show me affection and its been years since i heard her say "i love you") , I realize i am less and less affectionate as time goes by, but i do feel i give out more affection than i receive.

Sex is an issue, for the longest time i always used a condom, after several years she told me she didn't like that and i really don't satisfy her anyway because i rarely want sex and i got defensive (which i regret to this day), i just didn't want to have kids until all the fighting and this "lack" of affection was under control (which made things worse) so we went onto "the pill", that became another huge issue, because it was already a touchy subject and i evaded asking her or helping her to remember to take the pill, and she started resenting me for that too.

not discussing kids is also something that is distancing us greatly, with all i have said... I DO WANT KIDS, just not the way thing are right now, am i being unfair? am i so wrong? she's worried about her age when it comes to having kids, but we are so not a "loving couple" right now.

I only talk about having kids when we fight about me not making her happy and not letting her have "a life", and this happens because i don't want to "rock the boat" when we are having a "normal" fight-free time. 

When we fight there are always a few repetitive topics:

I don't talk to her about anything that is interesting
I am a dead piece of furniture
I am a lousy lover
I´m Holding her back
My attempts at affection only buy me her tolerance for a little longer (and that is considered a fair trade)
she doesn't find me attractive anymore (this one is relatively new)
She´s done everything she can do, I'm supposed to fix this on my own, I'm the one doing nothing

i usually come back with

I'm giving out more affection than you are giving me
All i want is for you to be happy
I DO love you and i DO desire you
I just want you to hug me once in a while too

The house is hers, i couldn't afford to buy her the house she wanted, but to make things worse at the beginning i suggested to pay "half and half" of the mortgage payments (she got mad at me for suggesting it that way, i never fully understood why) so i did make mortgage payments for the first years that made up for a bit less than half the monthly rate, then after one of the fights i started making bigger payments but all the advanced payments she made those, why is this important, the resentment that was caused by "Me not asking how she was doing financially or how much was left on the debt" is something that haunts us till this day, the mortgage has been paid in full now and i probably helped pay maybe 1/3 of it, IDK

every time we go shopping i try to pay for everything and she always says "no, i got this" i have to keep repeating that "ill pay" and sometimes it'll work but i hate begging to pay for something, we made renovations to the house last year, i made a conscious effort to pay for all of it, so i ended paying for probably 80% 

I guess I'm trying to say , I'm not a freeloader, or a leech, i really try to pull my weight and do more (i fill up her gas tank every time i can get an excuse for a short trip to the store on her car, for example)

I've tried to leave a bunch of times (all of them after her first punch, I've got scars and I've had to replace the tv remote 3 times already), after all if she isn't happy with me WHY am i still holding her back?, its always followed by screaming, yelling, threatening to hurt herself, grabbing hold of my legs or shirt, her continuing to fight me over the phone until she convinces me to return home to stop her from crying.

I have to admit she has told me I'm emotionally abusive towards her, i realize i blame her for a lot of stuff, and i have told her I'm sorry, and i have tried to calm myself down, own up to my mistakes and stop blaming her.

I try to have sex on a more regular basis as she feels i "don't want her anymore" but after many rejections i stop trying, maybe we have sex like once a month, yesterday was one of those good days where she let me in, and i really focused on her having a good time, she seemed happy with me, but again, she stopped working today (we are both on home office) to tell me *she has had enough* and she cant keep dragging me around, that her life is on hold because of me and that this time i had failed to satisfy her again.

she hasn't told me "move out" but she has said "i cant keep living with you in MY house"

I do think i love her, it breaks my heart to see her cry, but i also feel that i SHOULD have the answer to fix this if i really loved her, and i don't, i don't want to start a family with her this way, i really really don't, because having a baby will never be a solution to a relationship, it should be the result of a happy one, I am not this man that wants to change the world, open a huge business, travel the world, and its not probably all that she wants but for the life of me i dont know what "a man" is supposed to want in life, i want love, i want to teach my kid to build with legos, i want to detail my car, i want to have a beer and BBQ on weekends, i want to build that birdhouse out of cedar on a weekend, i want to be able to hold my wife and watch a movie together at night, and not to feel like a loser for just wanting that.

I leave this here, as honest as i can, hopefully not to be judged, but to be heard and with luck to be helped, I'm at my wits end, i want both of us to be happy, whichever way that is.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

GusS said:


> Its going to be a long read, and I'm trying to be brutally honest about my shortcomings as a husband, i just need an honest perspective into this, from the bottom of my heart thank you for reading:
> 
> I'm a 37 year old man, earning about 2/3rds or less than my wife does (she's 35), I'm a very Homey guy, i love working on upgrades to the house, building stuff, washing cars, cooking, etc., i like to travel but don't really go out of my way to plan for it, i work for a big company and i would like to be self employed at some point (but i haven't really made a move in that direction either)
> 
> ...


I will try to be honest as well.

Just because you know your short comings if you don't really try to change then they are still short comings. It does seem like you just let her take charge of the finances and the financial responsibility but then are upset that she doesn't really respect you.

You two have farted around for like 13 years. It doesn't appear like it is working. It doesn't see you two have the ability to make it work. If you started this saga when she was 20 that makes her 33. She really needs to have kids soon if she is going to. Otherwise the odd of them not being healthy increase dramatically after 35. So it doesn't seem like you two should have children together. I also don't believe you want children. Or you'll want them when you are 45. That's too late for her.

She has some pretty atrocious behaviors on her end. Why would you put up with that? Have some self respect and don't let her treat you like that. She also doesn't seem to actually be attracted to you. So why after like 7 years did you two decide to get married? There doesn't seem to be a single time when you've had a stable loving relationship.

There are women who would probably love you for who you are. It just isn't her. You two should have been able to figure out that you aren't a match 11 years ago. Stop wasting your life and her fertility.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I get it..
I get you 
I get her.

I do not get, the two of you, together.

You two are not compatible, you do not connect on any level.

She is miserable and she is doing her damnest to make you miserable.

You are smart in not having children with her.

Any more smarts on your part?
Nope, nada

Get divorced while both of you are still young.


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## GusS (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> You need these books:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks, im reading the second one as im not in the US but the second one is on kindle



Anastasia6 said:


> I will try to be honest as well.
> 
> Just because you know your short comings if you don't really try to change then they are still short comings. It does seem like you just let her take charge of the finances and the financial responsibility but then are upset that she doesn't really respect you.
> 
> ...


She's already 35, and you are right, this relationship had to be worked out a long time ago, I've suggested therapy but she always says she doesn't believe in that, thanks for your honesty

Update: She's already asked what am i still doing here?, that i should finish working wherever I'm going to continue living, i guess do have to "grow a pair" and leave


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

See an attorney and file, and don’t be to proof to get a fair settlement.

“she’s not attracted to you anymore”
“What are you still doing here”?????

Im wondering that too. Its ok to put her in your rear view and move on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She’s already judged you. Maybe you should listen.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If she’s 35 then I imagine the ticking clock gets louder and louder every day. If you’re not what she wants then one of you needs to take the steps to correct that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusS said:


> Its going to be a long read, and I'm trying to be brutally honest about my shortcomings as a husband, i just need an honest perspective into this, from the bottom of my heart thank you for reading:
> 
> I'm a 37 year old man, earning about 2/3rds or less than my wife does (she's 35), I'm a very Homey guy, i love working on upgrades to the house, building stuff, washing cars, cooking, etc., i like to travel but don't really go out of my way to plan for it, i work for a big company and i would like to be self employed at some point (but i haven't really made a move in that direction either)
> 
> ...


The violence between the two of you would be reason enough to end this relationship. You both need anger management counseling if you continue this relationship. I'm serious about this. If you two don't do this, just end the marriage before one of you ends up prison for hurting or killing the other.

About the financial issues. She knew how much you made when she married you. Has something changed since you married? Do you work fewer hours now? It's hard to know how much of a hardship your income is for the two of you since I don't know how much you both make. But if you both can live within your means, then good.

You say that you paid about 33% of the mortgage. Do you know that if you divorce, you get 50% of the equity in house? Besides the mortgage payments, how much have you spent on home maintenance and upgrades? How much cash out of your money? How many hours of your time? What would it have cost you to pay for someone to do the work where that person not only did the labor but also provided all material and equipment? If I were you, I'd look at both those numbers... 1) your hours/efforts+ your time at your hourly rate and 2) cost for someone else to do the work? 

Did your work on the home increase the value of the home, or perhaps maintain it by fixing something seriously wrong? If this number is significant, I think you might want to give those numbers to her. About how much do you think this is?

It sounds like the two of you keep your income separate. In most marriages this is a mistake because it causes exactly what you are dealing with... his money & her money. Resentment. Most couples keep most of their money and savings in joint account. Both just have all your pay direct deposited to that account. Then you put money in savings and pay the bills from there. any money left over is divided 50/50 between you both so you each get some spending money.

Here's a very good book you both would benefit from reading and implementing:
Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner: Bach, David

I agree with you that you two should not bring a baby into your volatile marriage. That would be profoundly unfair to a child.

If you want to try to fix your marriage, here’s what I suggest. Start with these two books:

Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits: Harley, Willard F. Jr. 
His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts: Harley, Willard F. Jr.
Read the books in the order I’ve listed them here. With Love Busters, you identify the love busters that you both do and stop doing them. Then once the love busting stops, the His Needs, Her Needs book will help you two figures out how to meet each other’s needs.

My suggestion is that you read both books and do the work they suggest. Then, with your new knowledge on how a relationship should work, you sit your wife down and tell her that either she works with you to fix your very broken relationship, or you will file for divorce. Tell you that you both need to go to anger management counselling so that the violence stops. And the both of you need to read these two books together and do they work they lay out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusS said:


> Thanks, im reading the second one as im not in the US but the second one is on kindle
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If you are going to file for divorce and not work anymore on the marriage, see an attorney. Do not move out of the house until you talk to a lawyer. She might be able to claim abandonment. Do what your attorney tells you to do.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I bet she is cheating on you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

thunderchad said:


> You need these books:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This starts by divorcing a wife that hits you. The next day.

Lesson over.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I think there are a lot of issues here.

1. If someone is violent towards a spouse, the abused spouse should leave. Who knows, maybe she would do the same to your kids someday if have them. This by itself is a deal breaker.
2. You have mismatched ambitions and drive in life. This sounds to me to be mostly on you, and that you could use a kick in the ass to get your life in gear... but you would be better off with someone with similiar drive.
3. If she has lost affection and attraction toward you, it may be too late, it is possible she is an emotional or physical affair with someone else.
4. The fact you don't feel you want kids with this woman after so long but you do want kids is major problem. She is not going to change much, and whatever issues she has now will undoubtedly be worse when she has kids.

I would declare this relationship a dead end and move on. Work on yourself and find someone who is better matched to your life goals / ambitions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why do you stay with a wife who is violent towards you?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

My suggestion is go reread your first post and then ask yourself why are you with this woman?

This relationship is toxic as F!!

She's violent? Why put up with this crazy woman?

The repetitive topics? Read those again and ask yourself why in the world you'd want to be with someone who thinks these things about you? We all say things we'd like to take back, but you said "repetitive" so she actually thinks these things about you.

My advice, go see a lawyer and end this nightmare. "Her house"? She has a RUDE awakening coming!!

You are who you are and you have NOTHING to be ashamed about nor apologize for.

Life is too short to live like this GusS.

Glad you found TAM. Time to formulate a exit plan. There's someone out there that will appreciate you for you. 

Time to take action to free yourself from this nightmare.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

F her, AND the horse she rode in on.
that is YOUR HOUSE buddy. go find a shark lawyer and divorce her really good!
get the house.
thank god you do not have any kids with this witch.

since she makes more money than you, and has been tormenting your for years, have the lawyer fight for alimony from her.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> F her, AND the horse she rode in on.
> that is YOUR HOUSE buddy. go find a shark lawyer and divorce her really good!
> get the house.
> thank god you do not have any kids with this witch.
> ...


I'm not sure the country he is in works that way. It isn't a Uk or USA flag.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anastasia6 said:


> I'm not sure the country he is in works that way. It isn't a Uk or USA flag.


Interesting...

Property With regard to property, Mexico government sources noted that the law requires couples to choose that their marriage be arranged under "community" or "joint ownership" of property or be filed under "separate property ownership" (Mexico n.d.e.; Mexico n.d.f). According to the Embassy of Mexico, each marriage certificate should show which type of property arrangement the couple chose (ibid. n.d.e). 

Mexico: Divorce law and practice, including separation agreements, custody, property dispositions, consent requirements, related issues from women's perspectives and in relation to spousal and child abuse, and legal requirements for taking children abroad by one parent (Replaces MEX27356.E of 22 August 1997 a MEX41510.E of 20 May 2003) (justice.gov) 


More detail here....

The Community Property System and the Sale of Real Estate - CCN Law (ccn-law.com)


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## GusS (11 mo ago)

Yes, I'm in Mexico and we are married by separate property ownership

I Also don't know if she can demand alimony from abandonment or whatever even though we don't have kids and she makes more. Money than I do


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you paid money on a home you’d never be part owner of?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusS said:


> Yes, I'm in Mexico and we are married by separate property ownership
> 
> I Also don't know if she can demand alimony from abandonment or whatever even though we don't have kids and she makes more. Money than I do


This is why you need an attorney.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you paid money on a home you’d never be part owner of?


One way to look at this is that if he were not living with her, he'd have to pay rent on a place. So, he paid 1/3 of the mortgage as his rent. On top of that he did maintenance/up-grades on the property mostly on his own dime. In this case, it makes absolute sense that he does not pay 1/2 or more of the mortgage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm glad you're not having a baby with her. I'm sure you both have your faults. I think you need to get her into marriage counseling just to get her into therapy and to talk about her violent outbursts and even especially her threats to harm herself. Do not bring a child into that situation. If she's threatening self harm she needs to be in therapy. If you have to go with her to a marriage counselor to get her into therapy then do it. 

Otherwise, I don't know why you're still staying there. If she won't help herself by going to therapy, I think you should leave.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anytime a man’s wife says she’s not attracted to him, it’s time to bail. She’s said enough to make ten men bail.


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## GusS (11 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you paid money on a home you’d never be part owner of?


Well yeah, I ve got to pull my weight round here, I mean, I pay for all the streaming platforms, electric bills, maintenance but she would be spending the equivalent of around half a month my pay from her pocket just for the mortgage



DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm glad you're not having a baby with her. I'm sure you both have your faults. I think you need to get her into marriage counseling just to get her into therapy and to talk about her violent outbursts and even especially her threats to harm herself. Do not bring a child into that situation. If she's threatening self harm she needs to be in therapy. If you have to go with her to a marriage counselor to get her into therapy then do it.
> 
> Otherwise, I don't know why you're still staying there. If she won't help herself by going to therapy, I think you should leave.


I just wish she would do couples therapy, I can't help but feel guilty for not trying harder and for her not being able to have kids anymore (as she keeps blaming me for it), that guilt is probably part of what has kept me from leaving her, but I don't see the point in keeping each other miserable


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

GusS said:


> .....but towards the* end of our dating cycle and through our marriage things have become violent (she has hit me in anger, and I´ve hurt her when i grab her wrists to stop her from hitting me more), *usually make excuses and shift blame as well when we fight, the truth is i know i am not a good husband, but i do apologize and own up to my own mistakes when she lets me know I'm doing it.....


You have so many issues, I will just share some experiences I have. I know to men who ended up in jail because of wives similar to yours.

The first was an older person I worked with in college while doing manual labor. He was on parole after being released for murdering his wife. He married this woman and deeply cared about her, but she physically abused him. She literally would swing and hit hm with a frying pan or rolling pin (ask your grandmother what a rolling pin is). One day while she was hitting him with a large cast iron frying pan he just mentally snapped and grabed the pan, took it away from her and hit her with it. She died, He called the police, he told them he hit her on the head with the frying pan. We was arrested and later convicted for murder.

the second coworker was later when I had a professional white collar job. A really nice guy I knew had kind of a free spirit wife. She started to have an afair with a coworker. One night she came home drunk and proceeded to tell him all of his faults. She then started to hit him. She hit him so hard in the face that it broke his glasses and gave him a bloody nose. She wouldn't stop hitting him on the face. He snapped and grabbed her by the wrists and tried to shake some sense in her so that she would stop hitting him. It sort of worked as she did stop, but she then called the police.

The police showed up since she made the phone call they asked her what happened first. She said he grabbed her against her will and was shaking her and scared her. The police then asked my co-worker what happened. He told the police that she had gotten drunk and started to hit him. He showed them his broken glasses and the rage he used to stop the flow of blood from his nose. He said in self defense he had to stop her from hitting him as she would have kept on hitting him and that is why he grabbed her by the wrists, so she could no longer hit him. The police asked if he shock her. He said yes, he had to stop her from hitting him.

Under the laws where I live when there is a domestic disturbance call to the police, they are required to separate the two by arresting one of them and booking them into jail. Since he admitted to physical violence that she called the police about, and since they had to arrest someone, he got to be taken to jail. The police perspective was that courts and attorneys are there to sort out the details, they are just there to follow the law that said they had to arrest someone. Eventually, the court did determine he was not guilty for the crimes he was charged. However, being in jail really F-d up his blue collar career.

The lesson, I hope you learn from these two stories, is if any significant other physically abuses you. You need to back away and walk out of the house and never come back. Never try to restrain them or fight back, just walk away.

You have given lots of reasons why you are not what she wants as a spouse. The violence thing is at a huge and different level than all the other reasons to get a divorce. Unless you are superhuman, you need to divorce her otherwise you will end up in jail. And from what I have heard Mexican jails are not a place anyone would want to be.

good luck.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

I'm going to be quite honest. She sounds selfish and horrible. I wouldn't stay married to her.


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## GusS (11 mo ago)

Well, I've talked to her a lot, I can't seem to make her feel better, I only manage to make her angry or cry 

She said she was willing to have kids with me even though things were bad, that, that in itself was proof that she wanted this more, that she loved me more

I just said we should work things out before bringing a baby into this, that he or she didn't deserve this, that love between us should come first

She doesn't think this is the way, that our relationship is beyond having everything to be lovey dovey before planning a future together, I kind of understand but I can't stop asking for love and affection first, this just made her cry and be sad about how I'm telling her it was wrong to love me even though things are not ok, that wasn't my intention. 

I've packed one gym-bag with some clothes, I just don't think I can give her what she needs in order to be happy, everything I try is wrong.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I also think you should end this marriage.
Get divorced and move on, especially before she traps you with a child.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

GusS said:


> Well yeah, I ve got to pull my weight round here, I mean, I pay for all the streaming platforms, electric bills, maintenance but she would be spending the equivalent of around half a month my pay from her pocket just for the mortgage
> 
> 
> 
> I just wish she would do couples therapy, I can't help but feel guilty for not trying harder and for her not being able to have kids anymore (as she keeps blaming me for it), that guilt is probably part of what has kept me from leaving her, but I don't see the point in keeping each other miserable


She doesn't have any business having children in her present mental state. You're going to have to give her an ultimatum but then you need to make up your mind to leave if she won't budge.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"I don't talk to her about anything that is interesting"

one idea. Listen to NPR radio, or a more conservative radio station show, all day long.
then at night, you will have PLENTY to talk to her about. "Hey, did you see what X was going to do to Y, but Z showed up and shook up the entire senate?"


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Why on Earth are you wanting to spend another minute with this woman??? She is clearly saying I hate you and I am leaving as soon as I get pregnant to trap you.

You cannot possibly be this clueless? She is not taking her birth control pills. She is trying to get pregnant. 

What you have is a spoiled, ungrateful, miserable, and immature woman who has no communication skills and no desire for you 

If I were you, I would pack some things, walk out the door, go get drunk and wake up tomorrow to the beginning of a new happier chapter of my life.... It appears you are married to a bipolar demon who wants more than your soul.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

You sound like an abused spouse. You know, like the woman who shows up to work in sunglasses. She's asked to take them off in the office, and people see her black eye. Immediately she makes excuses. "It's my fault. I said horrible things to him. I always push him too far. I should learn to shut my mouth. I'm a terrible wife. I've always made things difficult for him. I call him names sometimes." Everyone tells the woman the same thing: If you don't get out now, you'll end up in the hospital or the morgue.

You need some help with your sense of worth and you need to get the hell away from her today.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Do NOT waste time/money on books, counseling, etc. Seek an attorney and/or end it! This is NOT something that will get worked out. To be blunt, it is mostly about your paycheck. Most women will tolerate just about anything when you make plenty of cash. It is their gold standard. The resentment will build and it obviously has. I recommend watching for this with future partners.


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