# Talking to someone while being married. How to let go?



## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

I married my first boyfriend when I was 21 years old. Our marriage turned to worse quickly. We did not handle situation the right way, so instead of working on our problems, we argued, called each other names, and played a blame game. I feel like I lost emotional connection to him somewhere in a process.
Then, a little over a month ago, I met a guy online. I told him I am married and he said he does not want to cause problems. I know this was wrong, but I told him we can talk. I did not mean to talk to him more than a friend plus he lives too far to ever meet which I did not want to anyway ,even though I was attracted to him and liked his personality.
After this day, he wrote me every single day. If I did not respond to his FB message in an hour or two, he texted and asked where I am, why I am not responding, etc. We usually chatted from morning til night about everything and nothing. Then, about a week later, he started to stir our conversation to physical stuff. He told me when he was hard, when he was playing with himself which I found very weird and I told him about that. He did not take it well and I started to believe that I am the one weird for not taking it as a normal thing. He was nice though and did not talk vulgar, but just knowing that he was touching himself while talking to me was very weird to me at first.

However, one day he started to tell me what he would do with me and I played along. I know it was wrong but at the same time exciting until the moment when he sent me a picture of his sperms all over his pants. This freaked me out. He could not understand why. I was not mean about that, I just told him it was something I did not need to see. He told me I made him feel stupid.

Later on, I found out that he was drinking that day and I assume that’s why he reacted that way. After this, he did not talk to me this way much because he knew how I felt about it. We also had friendly conversation on a phone several times. I learned a lot about him. He told me that he had hard life and still is going through a hard time these days. He was about to lose his job, he did not have any friends due to his moving to another state, and had no family around. He was lonely through all the holidays and I felt very bad for him. I felt like I wanted to help him and be there for him. I talked to him as much as I could.

One day, after talking on a phone for about 40 minutes and texting each other as always, he sent me a message saying he thinks we should not talk anymore.
When I asked if it’s something I said or did, he promised me I did not do anything that changed his mind, he said he likes to talk to me but needs to focus on certain things for now. He said he feels guilty for talking to me inappropriately and he knows he started it. 
He said he wants to talk to me, but he needs to focus on stuff and figure them out. After this conversation, I felt terribly. I could not stop crying. I was questioning myself and what I did that made him feel this way. I felt like this was only my fault. I also felt bad for him, I wanted to help him and be there for him. I know we both liked to talk to each other and when I said I will miss him, he said he will miss me too.

I know I should not start to talk to him while being married. I know I should let it go, but I am finding it very hard. I still think of him. I just don’t know what to do at this point. 
I worry about him, but I don’t want to bother him with texts when he does not want to. 
While I feel bad for doing a wrong thing by talking to someone out of my marriage, I miss him and our talks. I feel like I failed in helping him through his hard times and now I can do nothing about that. Were any of you in this situation? What should I do? I just feel hopeless and very sad.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How would you feel if your H was talking to someone like you are with your emotional affair?

You need to read about the 180 and start this with the OM.

You do not really know that much about him. He could be wonderful or he could be in prison.

It is not good to have this kind of friend while you are married.

So stop all of this contact now. Figure out about your marriage. Either get out of your marriage or try to go to counseling to fix it.

Your emotions should be with your H. If you can't, then get out of the marriage. But do not hurt your spouse like this, you may have at one time loved your spouse. 

See if the love is still there. But if it is gone, get out of the marriage before you get into another relationship. You are a better person than that to do this to your H. 

I do wish you success in finding peace.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> I married my first boyfriend when I was 21 years old. Our marriage turned to worse quickly. We did not handle situation the right way, so instead of working on our problems, we argued, called each other names, and played a blame game. I feel like I lost emotional connection to him somewhere in a process. *It happens but can be regained.*
> Then, a little over a month ago, I met a guy online. I told him I am married and he said he does not want to cause problems. *You should have listened. * I know this was wrong, but I told him we can talk. I did not mean to talk to him more than a friend plus he lives too far to ever meet which I did not want to anyway ,even though I was attracted to him and liked his personality. *Just by online chatting? Astonishing. *
> After this day, he wrote me every single day. If I did not respond to his FB message in an hour or two, he texted and asked where I am, why I am not responding, etc. *Obsessive person. Time to bail. * We usually chatted from morning til night about everything and nothing. Then, about a week later, he started to stir our conversation to physical stuff. He told me when he was hard, when he was playing with himself which I found very weird and I told him about that. *You should have ended it right here.* He did not take it well and I started to believe that I am the one weird for not taking it as a normal thing. *It is not normal.* He was nice though and did not talk vulgar *but liked to tell you he was hard and pulling the pud?* , but just knowing that he was touching himself while talking to me was very weird to me at first. *At first? *
> 
> ...


You need to change you number, drop him off you email and or change it. Realize you have been manipulated. Tell your H. Work on your marriage.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Yeswecan, why would he want to gain more trust if he was going to end it? Because that's exactly what he meant by cutting our talk. He said he needs to focus on other things and he does not talk to me anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How do you know that this guy is not married? You know the other things he need to work on right now? It's probably his marriage. His wife found out about you.

Very often, the guys how do this are married. They lie about being married.

This is a very unhealthy relationship. It's a fantasy. You need to be concentrating on your marriage and figuring out either how to fix the marriage or how to leave it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

elizabethb said:


> However, one day he started to tell me what he would do with me and I played along.


That, was an open invitation to send you that type of picture and to indicate that you're open for a PA. It is just part of the normal progression from EA to PA. Apparently you don't have a clue that POSOM's don't fool around very long with "just" EA's. That's just the way they roll.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It is very common for married guys to do this.


This is not very common for married guys to do.

It might be very common for married cheaters to do (and this includes male and female), but don't characterize it as a trait all married guys have and exercise and is something limited to them.

I am married (well in the process of divorcing my cheating WW) but I have never done this, nor will I and I am not an anomoly. I know many married men that have never done this, so please don't characterize us like this as we have a hard enough time as it is and get characterized bad enough as it is without further stereotyping.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

I know what you are saying. However, he is not married for sure, I am. It was my fault and I got emotionally attached to him. I did not care about his "special" talk, I liked those normal conversation with him which there was more of them than anything else.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

elizabethb said:


> I know what you are saying. However, he is not married for sure, I am. It was my fault and I got emotionally attached to him. I did not care about his "special" talk, I liked those normal conversation with him.


Yes, it was your fault. But his too. He knew you were married, even if he is single.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

elizabethb said:


> I know what you are saying. However, he is not married for sure, I am. It was my fault and I got emotionally attached to him. I did not care about his "special" talk, I liked those normal conversation with him.


And you know he is single how? Did he tell you that? Unless you have seen where he lives and what he does, then you only know for sure what he tells you. Lots of cheaters spin a story to get their AP to be emotionally attached and go further with them. My STBXW told everyone of her OMs that she was done with the M and on her way out, so unhappy, etc. Yet she had no plans to D, move on, or anything that someone done with a M would do, except F other people. She mastered that.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> And you know he is single how? Did he tell you that? Unless you have seen where he lives and what he does, then you only know for sure what he tells you. Lots of cheaters spin a story to get their AP to be emotionally attached and go further with them. My STBXW told everyone of her OMs that she was done with the M and on her way out, so unhappy, etc. Yet she had no plans to D, move on, or anything that someone done with a M would do, except F other people. She mastered that.


He is not married. I saw his FB page, he send me his pictures and talked to me too often for a married man. I don't know, call me naive, but I believed him. I am the bad guy here, not him. 
I just don't understand how he changed in a day and how to let go of this fantasy. I know as a married woman, I should not have this feelings, but I miss talking to him. I guess my codependency is kicking in.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> I married my first boyfriend when I was 21 years old. Our marriage turned to worse quickly. We did not handle situation the right way, so instead of working on our problems, we argued, called each other names, and played a blame game. I feel like I lost emotional connection to him somewhere in a process.
> Then, a little over a month ago, I met a guy online. I told him I am married and he said he does not want to cause problems. I know this was wrong, but I told him we can talk. I did not mean to talk to him more than a friend plus he lives too far to ever meet which I did not want to anyway ,even though I was attracted to him and liked his personality.
> After this day, he wrote me every single day. If I did not respond to his FB message in an hour or two, he texted and asked where I am, why I am not responding, etc. We usually chatted from morning til night about everything and nothing. Then, about a week later, he started to stir our conversation to physical stuff. He told me when he was hard, when he was playing with himself which I found very weird and I told him about that. He did not take it well and I started to believe that I am the one weird for not taking it as a normal thing. He was nice though and did not talk vulgar, but just knowing that he was touching himself while talking to me was very weird to me at first.
> 
> ...


Look in a mirror and you will see a cheating wife having cyber sex with a guy

*ITS AS SIMPLE AS THAT*

You have broken your wedding vows so you need to Divorce if you feel like this *OR* try to save your marriage

Just stop acting like a little child and *grow up and decide what you want to do*

I find your actions deplorable


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

elizabethb said:


> He is not married. I saw his FB page, he send me his pictures and talked to me too often for a married man. I don't know, call me naive, but I believed him. I am the bad guy here, not him.
> I just don't understand how he changed in a day and how to let go of this fantasy. I know as a married woman, I should not have this feelings, but I miss talking to him. I guess my codependency is kicking in.


Still no definitive proof. I have no pics of my kids or STBXW on my FB and could easily change the status to single. My STBXW talked with her OMS all the time. Stupid me thought she was talking to other GFs and never suspected an A (as some of the guys she was talking to were my friends as well). Stupid me believed that she could not be doing that. Think about what you wrote in bolded above. You were married and someone managed to talk to him at those same times and equally as much. Why are the rules for married men different than for married women? Wouldn't your constant conversation availability be the same as his if married? Yet you made time somehow. Think about it.

Get into counseling. Inform your H (as he has a right to know) and the two of you can decide if you even want to try and remain married, as it is something both of you need to decide. This is not a one person decision.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> He is not married. I saw his FB page, he send me his pictures and talked to me too often for a married man. I don't know, call me naive, but I believed him. I am the bad guy here, not him.
> I just don't understand how he changed in a day and how to let go of this fantasy. I know as a married woman, I should not have this feelings, but I miss talking to him. I guess my codependency is kicking in.


The woman my H cheated with is married. She has herself listed as single on FB & not one picture of her H.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Also, I know several people that have more than 1 Facebook page. Some for work related separation, and some as they just want to hide their secret life from their others (they told me years ago about how they didn't want the everyday public to really know them and their true self, which he was a neighbor/ friend (or so I thought) until he had an A with my STBXW.

My Aunt was showing my Mom her kids FB pages and all of them had different names and everything else than what was truth in real life. They did this so that their work couldn't search on them and see the truth of their real life activities.

We want to believe that which answers all and justifies and supports our actions and thoughts. MY STBXW never thought she was being played. She thought all the OMs were really into her. When exposure hit, none of them wanted a thing to do with her (even after months and in some cases, years of EA/PA and confessions and professions of unrequited and never ending love).


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

elizabethb said:


> He is not married. I saw his FB page, he send me his pictures and talked to me too often for a married man. I don't know, call me naive, but I believed him. I am the bad guy here, *not him*.


Really? 

Any guy, single or married, who has an EA or PA with a married woman is a POS. I'm guessing your husband would agree. And I'm sure you would agree if a single woman was sexting *your* husband.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Just tell your Husband how your feeling. You never know he might even set you free so you can go be with the OM. 

Hopefully he will find out soon enough and have the same rights you do to choose what he wants to do in his life. 

Clay


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I think he's walking away because he hasn't gotten what he wants out of you yet, and this is his next manipulation tactic to get you to comply. He wants to "sext" and engage in virtual sex with you. Maybe he's married (it's not difficult to fake being single, it's easy to create new e-mail addresses, google voice numbers, fake facebook pages, etc.) or maybe he isn't, but it's 100% irrelevant. Some guys just get off on knowing they've got a married woman wrapped around their finger, willing to do very risky things that they should not be doing for them.

Don't be too harsh on yourself, this was going to be the result from the moment you agreed to talk to him. You'd either give in an feed his sexual interests for a while by engaging in virtual sex and sharing nude photos or videos onto the internet (which he probably shares with others publicly online) for a while until he gets bored, or you could refuse and he'd still walk away after he gets bored.

So for now, change your phone number or block him, block his e-mail, chat, etc. No more communication with him, no more private/secret communication with ANY other men for that matter. Then, share your feelings/concerns with your husband DIRECTLY. That means don't drop hints, or vaguely allude to anything, just sit him down and directly tell him how you feel and what your concerns are. Not about this other guy, but about your feelings about your husband, and your concerns regarding the marriage.

It's very easy for married men to go about their lives thinking everything is fine because we aren't attuned to women's method of communication. If there is something wrong, we expect to be told directly, the way men communicate. I'm not going to tell my best friend, "Wow man, it sure has been a while since we've done anything together..." or "I've been having a rough time lately..." I'm going to just tell him, "Hey, let's go get a beer."

I hope this helps some.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

You're both the bad guy here.

He's a POS who chases married women, and knows perfectly well what he's doing.

He's also quite a lot on the perverted side, I mean, he sent you a picture of his ejaculation, how sick is that? 
If you have to have an affair you could at least show a little more taste, I mean: you like the personality of someone who would do the above?

He hadn't been drinking, he just tought he already had you "baked" and jumped the gun...


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Yeswecan, why would he want to gain more trust if he was going to end it? Because that's exactly what he meant by cutting our talk."

cdbaker is 100% right on this.

It is pure manipulation.

He is pushing you away hoping you will pursue him.

This would be more evidence to him that he is reeling you in and are ready for him to push harder for sexual communications or possibly meeting to take this PA.

He is playing you.

If he was truly a good guy and, as he first told you, didn't want to cause problems, he would have ended this pursuit of a M woman long ago or never started it to begin with.

As badmemory said, he is a POS.


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

did you just say your ap is not the bad guy ? So going after a married woman is not bad where you came from ?
tell your husband the truth first . And take a good look at yourself now because you are a cheater and a manipulative lair....


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

So this guy sent you a picture of ejaculate all over his pants. But that was OK because he had been drinking and had no friends and was losing his job. Sounds like you got a winner here. I'd go with it.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

You're dealing with an internet perv. They're a dime a dozen. Boring... Could be a 17 year old crack dealer. Maybe he friends and kidnaps stupid people who fall for the oldest stuff ever. You'd never know the difference.

What's wrong with you. Get divorced and go ahead and get involved with these jerks. Will really improve your life. 

Ok, so don't. How about removing, unfriending, deleting all this crap out of your life - and get your sh!t back together. Where's your judgement. 

Stop doing stupid stuff. It's your life. Fix it. Do the right thing from here on out. Only you have control over this. You know what's right.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> He is not married. I saw his FB page, he send me his pictures and talked to me too often for a married man. I don't know, call me naive, but I believed him. I am the bad guy here, not him.
> I just don't understand how he changed in a day and how to let go of this fantasy. I know as a married woman, I should not have this feelings, but I miss talking to him. I guess my codependency is kicking in.


So you spend the same amount of time as him. He's single and you're married. Means nothing. Only the gullible believe everything from the Internet...

Meanwhile keep counting Unicorns and rainbows.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

elizabethb said:


> What should I do?


Tell your husband. His reaction may be just what you need to snap out of it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> Yeswecan, why would he want to gain more trust if he was going to end it? Because that's exactly what he meant by cutting our talk. He said he needs to focus on other things and he does not talk to me anymore.


He will reach out again. You see, this is a drug for him. Do you think he just washes his hands of it? He has caught you and can do his thing online at will.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What can you do?

*Stop communicating with him. Stop cheating on your husband.
*
If you really, _really_ want to, that is...


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Stop doing stupid stuff!!!!!


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

1. You need to figure out where your self-esteem and backbone went so that you can find them again and not let men use you the way you let this guy use you.

1a. This guy is a disgusting creep. THERE WAS NOTHING NICE ABOUT HIM. NOTHING AT ALL. You know this, so stop freaking justifying what this ***hole did. 

2. Tell your husband all of it. 

3. Get into counseling, as I'm sure that backbone you need will be found there.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

i) "We started talking" -> "He went into physical stuff" -> "I thought it was normal"
ii) "He sent me a picture" -> "He had been drinking" -> "I thought it was normal"
Next step
iii) "He wanted to meet" -> "Men need sex too" -> I thought it was normal"

No one can be this "naive"...

Tell your husband and see what he thinks.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

...and stop doing stupid stuff!!!


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

Actions have consequences. Because you played along, read that led him on in his mind, what would you do if he found where you live and showed up at your door with or without ejaculate on his pants?

You should hope you are truly rid of him and take every precaution to make that the case.

Just sayin',

Seasalt


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## Pinche Culero (Jan 5, 2015)

Why start chats with men? Can't you do the same with women?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

elizabethb said:


> I married my first boyfriend when I was 21 years old. Our marriage turned to worse quickly. We did not handle situation the right way, so instead of working on our problems, we argued, called each other names, and played a blame game. I feel like I lost emotional connection to him somewhere in a process.
> Then, a little over a month ago, I met a guy online. I told him I am married and he said he does not want to cause problems. I know this was wrong, but I told him we can talk. I did not mean to talk to him more than a friend plus he lives too far to ever meet which I did not want to anyway ,even though I was attracted to him and liked his personality.
> After this day, he wrote me every single day. If I did not respond to his FB message in an hour or two, he texted and asked where I am, why I am not responding, etc. We usually chatted from morning til night about everything and nothing. Then, about a week later, he started to stir our conversation to physical stuff. He told me when he was hard, when he was playing with himself which I found very weird and I told him about that. He did not take it well and I started to believe that I am the one weird for not taking it as a normal thing. He was nice though and did not talk vulgar, but just knowing that he was touching himself while talking to me was very weird to me at first.
> 
> ...



Are you an idiot or are you trying to play one?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

badmemory said:


> That, was an open invitation to send you that type of picture and to indicate that you're open for a PA. It is just part of the normal progression from EA to PA. Apparently you don't have a clue that POSOM's don't fool around very long with "just" EA's. That's just the way they roll.


OP is not a gullible naive girl.. If OM is not married, she is much more worse than he is


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> He will reach out again. You see, this is a drug for him. Do you think he just washes his hands of it? He has caught you and can do his thing online at will.


The OM is not the issue...he is not manipulating her. Quid pro quo.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> This is not very common for married guys to do.
> 
> It might be very common for married cheaters to do (and this includes male and female), but don't characterize it as a trait all married guys have and exercise and is something limited to them.
> 
> I am married (well in the process of divorcing my cheating WW) but I have never done this, nor will I and I am not an anomoly. I know many married men that have never done this, so please don't characterize us like this as we have a hard enough time as it is and get characterized bad enough as it is without further stereotyping.


I stated it wrong... What I should have said is that often times when a guy online says that he is single, he is lying. He's married. People lie online. They can be anyone they want to be in the virtual world.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

elizabethb said:


> He is not married. I saw his FB page, he send me his pictures and talked to me too often for a married man. I don't know, call me naive, but I believed him. I am the bad guy here, not him.
> I just don't understand how he changed in a day and how to let go of this fantasy. I know as a married woman, I should not have this feelings, but I miss talking to him. I guess my codependency is kicking in.


People create fake Facebook pages all the time. A Facebook page proves nothing.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I stated it wrong... What I should have said is that often times when a guy online says that he is single, he is lying. He's married. People lie online. They can be anyone they want to be in the virtual world.


Just like us???

*/big smile/*

//exec iebgener...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> This is not very common for married guys to do.
> 
> It might be very common for married cheaters to do (and this includes male and female), but don't characterize it as a trait all married guys have and exercise and is something limited to them.
> 
> I am married (well in the process of divorcing my cheating WW) but I have never done this, nor will I and I am not an anomoly. I know many married men that have never done this, so please don't characterize us like this as we have a hard enough time as it is and get characterized bad enough as it is without further stereotyping.


Sometimes wish tam had a double like button


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Q tip said:


> Just like us???
> 
> */big smile/*
> 
> //exec iebgener...


Who knows???? Maybe I'm really a bored 36 year old guy who lives in his mother's basement... :rofl:


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Who knows???? Maybe I'm really a bored 36 year old guy who lives in his mother's basement... :rofl:


And I'm a 33 year old single billionaire. I travel the world so much, never had much time for anyone. But, I don't let that define me.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm a hat.


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## Pinche Culero (Jan 5, 2015)

I know it seems incredible, but I'm single


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vms said:


> I'm a hat.


You look like a lady bug to me. Are you lying? Are you creating a false virtual identity?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I stated it wrong... What I should have said is that often times when a guy online says that he is single, he is lying. He's married. People lie online. They can be anyone they want to be in the virtual world.


How is this really different or better? Why not just go with my statement as it is more true and revealing? 

So now it is basically that most single guys online are just in actuality lying married guys. Do single guys not get on the internet too? 

When my divorce is final, what do I tell people online about my status so as to not be pegged as one of these lying married men? Doesn't seem I can claim to be single according to this? I would bet there exists more single men out there than married men so this new statement isn't truthful either. Are all men just that worthless in your eyes? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You look like a lady bug to me. Are you lying? Are you creating a false virtual identity?


You are what you avatar.

My first rhyme on TAM. Well kinda. Points anyway. :smthumbup:


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> How is this really different or better? Why not just go with my statement as it is more true and revealing?
> 
> So now it is basically that most single guys online are just in actuality lying married guys. Do single guys not get on the internet too?
> 
> ...


Male predators who may be married or single take advantage of the anonymity of the Internet to get real close to any potential victim. 

Much closer than if he approached in person, where the lady would simply call the police. These low-life losers merely adapted. Ladies need to understand this and adapt to. Most do, but not all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> How is this really different or better? Why not just go with my statement as it is more true and revealing?
> 
> So now it is basically that most single guys online are just in actuality lying married guys. Do single guys not get on the internet too?
> 
> When my divorce is final, what do I tell people online about my status so as to not be pegged as one of these lying married men? Doesn't seem I can claim to be single according to this? I would bet there exists more single men out there than married men so this new statement isn't truthful either. Are all men just that worthless in your eyes?



If you are out there picking up on women online, what you do is to not have a completely on-line relationship with them. You bring the relationship into your real life within a short time.

People who have long-term completely on-line relationships do it for a reason... they do not want the person they are having the online affair with to know something about their personal life....


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you are out there picking up on women online, what you do is to not have a completely on-line relationship with them. You bring the relationship into your real life within a short time.
> 
> People who have long-term completely on-line relationships do it for a reason... they do not want the person they are having the online affair with to know something about their personal life....


Agreed for the most part. Sometimes however people meet without the intention of a long distance relationship and it just happens to build even though it is not possible to physically meet on a regular basis. Bringing them into your life is not easy either as there is always the question of what is real and what is not for both parties. Heck he might not have believed she was who or what she said she was and was just playing a part until hr realized it was something more than he thought it was? 

Also she sought it out just as much as he did, so why characterize only him? If he is truly single then she was much worse for betraying her husband to be online with him. He shouldn't have pursued a married woman but he wasn't betraying someone he was involved with while doing it so why is he the predator and characterized as the worse of the two?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> Agreed for the most part. Sometimes however people meet without the intention of a long distance relationship and it just happens to build even though it is not possible to physically meet on a regular basis. Bringing them into your life is not easy either as there is always the question of what is real and what is not for both parties. Heck he might not have believed she was who or what she said she was and was just playing a part until hr realized it was something more than he thought it was?
> 
> Also she sought it out just as much as he did, so why characterize only him? If he is truly single then she was much worse for betraying her husband to be online with him. He shouldn't have pursued a married woman but he wasn't betraying someone he was involved with while doing it so why is he the predator and characterized as the worse of the two?


You are missing the point. We are talking to the OP. He's not here. So we address things from her perspective. 

So I'm characterizing him to get her to understand that since this relationship is virtual and over the phone she has no idea who he really is. If I were talking to him.. I'd probably say the same in thing about her.

Since she has no idea what this guy's situation is in real life, she's being extremely foolish. The OP needs to realize how much of a fantasy this entire thing is.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Liz,
What kind of person do you want to be?

You have damaged yourself by your infidelity.

Now you are feeling some of the pain.

Most likely your husband will know a life changing pain as a result of your actions.

Are you ok with that?

Stop these destructive behaviors, decide to leave a legacy of love and healing behind you, not one of selfishness and devastation.

You are not a good person because of "Wanting to be there for him" that is just feeding your ego by a romantic notion, 
and you have nothing to be proud about your relationship with him, let it go!

Deal with the problems in your life in a healthy and constructive way and you will become an amazing person.

You are so young, I hope you find a better way to live.

Take care!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You are missing the point. We are talking to the OP. He's not here. So we address things from her perspective.
> 
> So I'm characterizing him to get her to understand that since this relationship is virtual and over the phone she has no idea who he really is. If I were talking to him.. I'd probably say the same in thing about her.
> 
> Since she has no idea what this guy's situation is in real life, she's being extremely foolish. The OP needs to realize how much of a fantasy this entire thing is.


Maybe but you are missing the point that it is always about characterizing the male negatively with you. You can still get the point across with making it gender neutral. With you not being male your characterizations are all based on your biases or stereotyping as you don't have the perspective of what it is like you be that gender. Not everything needs to be slanted to the OP's opinion or gender as many others read these threads and get help and assistance from them just as much as the OP does. Characterizing one gender as worse than another really helps no one. Lots of others don't need to put down a gender to get their point across and it works equally as well without the negativity attached. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

elizabethb said:


> I married my first boyfriend when I was 21 years old. Our marriage turned to worse quickly. We did not handle situation the right way, so instead of working on our problems, we argued, called each other names, and played a blame game. I feel like I lost emotional connection to him somewhere in a process.
> Then, a little over a month ago, I met a guy online. I told him I am married and he said he does not want to cause problems. I know this was wrong, but I told him we can talk. I did not mean to talk to him more than a friend plus he lives too far to ever meet which I did not want to anyway ,even though I was attracted to him and liked his personality.
> After this day, he wrote me every single day. If I did not respond to his FB message in an hour or two, he texted and asked where I am, why I am not responding, etc. We usually chatted from morning til night about everything and nothing. Then, about a week later, he started to stir our conversation to physical stuff. He told me when he was hard, when he was playing with himself which I found very weird and I told him about that. He did not take it well and I started to believe that I am the one weird for not taking it as a normal thing. He was nice though and did not talk vulgar, but just knowing that he was touching himself while talking to me was very weird to me at first.
> 
> ...


Pretty simple. Quit talking to him. Doing the right thing isn't always easy but it's always right.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

elizabethb I think the best course of action would be to bring your husband here and post then we can get to the bottom of this together


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You look like a lady bug to me. Are you lying? Are you creating a false virtual identity?


I plead the fifth.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> The OM is not the issue...he is not manipulating her. Quid pro quo.


They certainly both have their issues and getting something mutual but I believe the OM is pulling heart strings and playing the game to continue on ensnaring the OP.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Thank you for all replies. I feel maybe posting here was a mistake. I wrote that OM does NOT want to talk anymore. He felt guilty and also wanted to focus on his problems. If he was such a bad guy, would not he continue to get whatever he wanted? Yes, that picture was super weird, his couple talks about being hard or touching himself were weird too, but he never asked for anything like that from me. He never asked for any nude pictures. I know I sound naive, but I believed him. I was told in a past that I do have codependency issues. That's something I need to work on together with my marriage. I came here to get advice on how to let go and deal with all those emotions. I am a bad guy, not him.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

elizabethb said:


> Thank you for all replies. I feel maybe posting here was a mistake. I wrote that OM does NOT want to talk anymore. He felt guilty and also wanted to focus on his problems. If he was such a bad guy, would not he continue to get whatever he wanted? Yes, that picture was super weird, his couple talks about being hard or touching himself were weird too, but he never asked for anything like that from me. He never asked for any nude pictures. I know I sound naive, but I believed him. I was told in a past that I do have codependency issues. That's something I need to work on together with my marriage. I came here to get advice on how to let go and deal with all those emotions. I am a bad guy, not him.


Get into counceling. Tell your Husband. Give him a choice in all this. Its really selfish for you to be the only one to choose if you want to stay in the marriage. As long as you hide this from your husband you will never fully heal and your marriage will continue to suffer as well. Honesty is what a relationship should be built on. Not lies. 

Clay


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> *I am a bad guy, not him*.


*TOTTALY AGREE*
You have betrayed your husband and Will now be living a lie for the rest of your life to your husband or until you divorce


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> Maybe but you are missing the point that it is always about characterizing the male negatively with you.


This is not true at all. You apparently don’t read all that many of my posts. Or you have an attitude about me that has nothing to do with who I am and what I post.


Squeakr said:


> You can still get the point across with making it gender neutral.


I’m finding this very funny. Generally I get jumped on here on TAM because I make almost everything gender neutral. I guess I cannot win for losing. 


Squeakr said:


> With you not being male your characterizations are all based on your biases or stereotyping as you don't have the perspective of what it is like you be that gender. Not everything needs to be slanted to the OP's opinion or gender as many others read these threads and get help and assistance from them just as much as the OP does. Characterizing one gender as worse than another really helps no one. Lots of others don't need to put down a gender to get their point across and it works equally as well without the negativity attached.


Gee, the next time women in general are characterized here on TAM as cheating, lying, lowlifes, who only want a man for his money…. I’ll be looking for your posts to set the folks who posts that nonsense straight.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> Thank you for all replies. I feel maybe posting here was a mistake.* Not really. However, you are protecting OM in this post. OM his some weird issues. You must see that. It is confirmed here in this thread. So, posting here was not a mistake. * I wrote that OM does NOT want to talk anymore. He felt guilty and also wanted to focus on his problems. If he was such a bad guy, would not he continue to get whatever he wanted? Yes, that picture was super weird, his couple talks about being hard or touching himself were weird too, but he never asked for anything like that from me. He never asked for any nude pictures. I know I sound naive, but I believed him. I was told in a past that I do have codependency issues. That's something I need to work on together with my marriage. Glad you realize this. *Therefore, posting here was not a mistake as you believe. If anything, a push for you to go in the right direction. * I came here to get advice on how to let go and deal with all those emotions. I am a bad guy, not him. *You are protecting OM again. Both took this beyond healthy. *


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> Thank you for all replies. I feel maybe posting here was a mistake. I wrote that OM does NOT want to talk anymore. He felt guilty and also wanted to focus on his problems. If he was such a bad guy, would not he continue to get whatever he wanted? Yes, that picture was super weird, his couple talks about being hard or touching himself were weird too, but he never asked for anything like that from me. He never asked for any nude pictures. I know I sound naive, but I believed him. I was told in a past that I do have codependency issues. That's something I need to work on together with my marriage. I came here to get advice on how to let go and deal with all those emotions. I am a bad guy, not him.


Either you're in the so called "fog" or you're being incredibly gullible. The weird stuff from the OM weren't mistakes, he was pushing to see if you were ready for the next level.

I don't know, but a guy actively pursuing a married woman sending her pervert pics sounds like "bad guy" enough to me.

You don't believe me? Try this experiment: Write him you understand his motivations and agree to go no contact so you can work on your marriage. See how many days go by before he contacts you again. I'd bet it will be less than ten. Then come back in ten days and tell us how it went, ok?


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

I already agreed to NC. It has been about 2 days now. I guess talking to him was like escaping from reality into fantasy.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Gee, the next time women in general are characterized here on TAM as cheating, lying, lowlifes, who only want a man for his money…. I’ll be looking for your posts to set the folks who posts that nonsense straight.


If the shoe fits I will (and I have, as I have defended the likes of EI and other women on here). I don't believe that all women are x, although I won't fight such statement if it is true. What might be true for a character or personality trait doesn't make it true for an entire gender. You, and another poster I won't mention, always seem to try to paint males in a negative light. Hurt or not, doesn't give one the right to claim all married men are something, as you have in this thread. If you want to characterize cheaters then, so be it go ahead and do so, but don't lump ALL men into that category as you seem to do lots. I have read lots of your posts and lots of them do have a very one track ideal of men and their intentions whether you care to acknoweldge it or not.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> I already agreed to NC. It has been about 2 days now. I guess talking to him was like escaping from reality into fantasy.


Great, keep it up... 

I bet he will try to break it when he sees you don't. 

My humble opinion is that he thought the relationship wasn't sex oriented enough and he's trying this tactic to be able to lay down more favorable "rules" if you break first.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Italian job, why do you think there is not a chance this guy could be actually a nice guy without extra pervy motives? Just asking.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

elizabethb said:


> Italian job, why do you think there is not a chance this guy could be actually a nice guy without extra pervy motives? Just asking.


*Why does it matter?


You are married!!!*


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Liz, I just checked him out. 

He's an 94 year old child molester. Get away and stay away. He dug up pics from the Internet to send to you. He's in a wheelchair and has nothing better to do than psycho things like he's got you going through. 

He wants in your mind until you're totally crazy. Notice how you're defending the indefensible already. That's what he wants.

Run. This is not a movie. He'll hurt you.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> Italian job, why do you think there is not a chance this guy could be actually a nice guy without extra pervy motives? Just asking.


Liz, I swear I know of no nice guy sending pictures of his ejaculate to a lady. A nice guy with no pervy motives would not do anything remotely like this even if he was really really drunk (and, believe me, he wasn't).
Even if you weren't married, if you were my daughter or my niece, I would tell you to stay away from someone who would do this.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> I already agreed to NC. It has been about 2 days now. I guess talking to him was like escaping from reality into fantasy.


You see...2 days and you are here talking about it. Pondering it. Working it out in your mind. Justifying. Grasping for anything to make sense of it. What do you think the OM is doing? The same. He will reach out again...or you. It appears inevitable. Unhealthy and inevitable.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

vellocet said:


> *Why does it matter?
> 
> 
> You are married!!!*


And a big BINGO!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Try this:

Sit your husband down on the couch and show him this thread. Make sure you show him the picture of the pre-treated pants too.
Then ask him "Honey? Do you think this was wrong for me to do?"

I'm sure you will either have your motivation or your freedom at that point.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> Italian job, why do you think there is not a chance this guy could be actually a nice guy without extra pervy motives? Just asking.


:slap:


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> Italian job, why do you think there is not a chance this guy could be actually a nice guy without extra pervy motives? Just asking.


Because "nice guys without extra pervy motives" dont send crotch shots of the aftermath?

Duhhhhhhhh.......:rofl:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

elizabethb said:


> Italian job, why do you think there is not a chance this guy could be actually a nice guy without extra pervy motives? Just asking.


Because *really* nice guys generally refrain from showing their todger (in working mode or at rest) to married women, either on the bus or on line.

Or maybe I am a little bit old fashioned in that respect? But I don't think I am.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> Italian job, why do you think there is not a chance this guy could be actually a nice guy without extra pervy motives? Just asking.


Yes, church going young man just misunderstood is all. :scratchhead:

Elizabethb...please return to the land of reality. The land of unicorn and butterflies is messing with your head.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

A NC, in which you still so ardently discuss the possible virtues of some dude, is not a NC at all.

It would appear the only thing to return you to the land of reality is divorce papers... Doesn't seem like you'll get what marriage means otherwise. Pardon my saying.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> Italian job, why do you think there is not a chance this guy could be actually a nice guy without extra pervy motives? Just asking.


I actually believe that you are this naive since you said you married your first boyfriend. What this guy is doing is not normal. He wants you plain and simple. Time to wake up. If you want this guy end it with your husband and then do what ever you want.

If you want to let go. Stop talking to the OM and go NC. Also, focus on fixing your marriage and get some MC.


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## ThirtyYearsIn (Sep 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It is very common for married guys to do this.


No, it isn't. Maybe common for scumbags who happen to be married, but don't paint all married men with a broad brush. I doubt you would like it if someone said something like it is very common for married women to do what the OP is doing.

OP, you are getting played. He is pulling away to make you chase him. His is testing your boundaries with nasty pictures. He is turning up the heat and you are the frog in the pot. Block his number and never contact him again!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

elizabethb said:


> I feel maybe posting here was a mistake.
> 
> I know I sound naive, but I believed him.
> 
> ...


It is so ironic that you are defending him.

"I am a bad guy, not him" is sooooooo deeply co-dependent.

Liz, he is not a good guy either, he is just needy, and you see yourself as his support, (your nurturing gene is overactive ATM), he is not your child nor your responsibility.

Your co-dependency makes him seem worthy because of his neediness and enslaves you emotionally to his need.

You say you want answers, but the answer lies in seeing yourself, him, and the situation for what it is.

It is worse than weird, it is sick and degrading, for both of you (this is a toxic relationship).

Get yourself some help!


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

elizabethb said:


> Italian job, why do you think there is not a chance this guy could be actually a nice guy without extra pervy motives? Just asking.


One of my own little rules for posting on forums is that I don't want to post a reply which would merely be parroting that which has already been posted several times. That said...

You don't think that sending you pictures of his semen-scabbed jeans was even a little pervy, let alone extra pervy? What freaky things would he need to do before you thought "Wait a minute, I think this guy might be a perv!"?

a] Is sexting married women now part of the definition of being nice? He IS a pervert. Stop defending him.
b] I counted 61 uses of "I" in your post, and one single mention of your husband at the beginning. Take from that what you will, but I see a lot more concern for this dirty little liar than the man you took vows with. 
c] As a certain famous bald guy on TV says, you never fix a marriage by turning away from your partner.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

elizabethb said:


> Thank you for all replies. I feel maybe posting here was a mistake. I wrote that OM does NOT want to talk anymore. He felt guilty and also wanted to focus on his problems. If he was such a bad guy, would not he continue to get whatever he wanted? Yes, that picture was super weird, his couple talks about being hard or touching himself were weird too, but he never asked for anything like that from me. He never asked for any nude pictures. I know I sound naive, but I believed him. I was told in a past that I do have codependency issues. That's something I need to work on together with my marriage. I came here to get advice on how to let go and deal with all those emotions. I am a bad guy, not him.


Elizabeth... I'm sorry there are a lot of people being extra cruel to you here (which is unnecessary guys) but yes, you have been very naive here. Let me see if I can help explain how:

He's decided to walk away from your "friendship" because he *was not* getting what he really wanted out of it. (more on that in a minute) I can hear you thinking, "But cdbaker, he _*could*_ have just stopped responding one day, he didn't have to nicely explain why we should stop communicating. See, he's really a nice guy!" No, this is just a last ditch, no risk/no cost ploy to get you to feel guilty about the whole thing and reconsider giving him what he wants, which he has accomplished, since you are blaming yourself fully. It's a standard sleaze tactic. Either it works and he gets some jollies out of you for a while, or it doesn't work and he frees up some time to pursue the next woman instead. Either way, he ultimately walks away.

You questioned "what he really wanted" by pointing out that he never asked for any of the things that many of us here are saying he really wanted. Again, this is a standard sleaze sales tactic. He's experienced enough as a manipulator to know that you can't just ask a random woman, especially a married woman, to send him sexually explicit photos, or engage in phone sex or virtual sex online. You have to engage with her emotionally, build somewhat of a trust bond, trigger her weaknesses (such as loneliness from a rough marriage, unmet emotional needs, sexual frustration, poor self esteem, etc.), build a degree of dependence upon himself (like constant communication, become accustomed, even addicted to his communication), and present himself as being in a similar situation as her, having a lot in common, soul mate-like, etc., all the while flooding her with compliments and praise, especially physically when possible.

Then, when properly prepared, he can start dropping hints. Asking for innocent pictures at first, maybe to compliment her hair, outfit, how beautiful she is, etc. Then he can create moments of weakness where he pushes it a little bit. Mentions that he's horny or "hard", sends a sexualized photo of himself, notes how he is thinking of her frequently, presenting all of it in an ultra complimentary way by saying that she is making him feel/behave this way, her latest picture has him excited, that she's just so beautiful that he can't help but cross this line, etc. If successful, she's flush with confidence and LOVES the positive attention, even if she knows it's wrong. For a woman with low self esteem, feeling lonely and under appreciated in a struggling marriage, this sort of attention can be absolutely *euphoric*, and incredibly easy to give in to. How does she get more of that attention? By playing along with him, sharing nude/sexual photos, agreeing to sexual conversation, phone sex, etc. It becomes exciting, and addictive. If she doesn't play along and balks at his crossing of "the line" however, all he has to to is apologize and make up an excuse like he was drinking alcohol that night or just lost his head for a moment, so lost in lust was he at her beauty... etc. Quickly forgiven, he can try a modified tactic again in the near future and repeat until it works, or employ the "last ditch" guilt trip/withdrawal tactic described above and walk away.

In any case, I'm 99% certain that he doesn't feel guilty. If he really did, if not screwing with someone's marriage was a value that really meant something to him, then he wouldn't have continued conversing with you at the very beginning anyway. With that said, it's also completely irrelevant. He is 100% bad news for you and your marriage, so all that really matters as far as he is concerned is that he needs to stay gone, out of the picture.


I'm honestly really not trying to crush you here. Yes you made some wrong choices here, but I'm convinced that you fell victim to some weaknesses that you are struggling with and that you certainly did not intend to get sucked in by this other man. Those weaknesses probably being low self esteem (this and co-dependence almost always go hand-in-hand), feelings of loneliness or under-appreciated by your husband, etc. Those are issues that I really think you aught to seek an independent counselor for. Did you "cheat" on your husband? Well, I'd say you've had an emotional affair. You did manage to avoid it becoming sexually charged, which is normally quite common, so I'd give you some bonus points for that, but this is still something that has to be 100% avoided in the future.

So yeah, you screwed up, but he's the real bad guy. You're more like the unwitting accomplice, lol.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

cdbaker said:


> Elizabeth... I'm sorry there are a lot of people being extra cruel to you here (which is unnecessary guys) but yes, you have been very naive here. Let me see if I can help explain how:
> 
> He's decided to walk away from your "friendship" because he *was not* getting what he really wanted out of it. (more on that in a minute) I can hear you thinking, "But cdbaker, he _*could*_ have just stopped responding one day, he didn't have to nicely explain why we should stop communicating. See, he's really a nice guy!" No, this is just a last ditch, no risk/no cost ploy to get you to feel guilty about the whole thing and reconsider giving him what he wants, which he has accomplished, since you are blaming yourself fully. It's a standard sleaze tactic. Either it works and he gets some jollies out of you for a while, or it doesn't work and he frees up some time to pursue the next woman instead. Either way, he ultimately walks away.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your helpful advice. I was actually going to be just like you said - thinking "see, he is a nice guy because this and that." 
I honestly did not like his "hard" penis talk but I kept overlook it because I liked our normal conversation that we had 80%. What got me the most was that picture and the way he could not understand that I did not like it. What should I like about his sperms??? Is it some kind of trophy for a guy to have it all over the place?
Yes, I am naive. I did not date anyone before my husband which was more than 10 years ago. So, when I googled if guys these days send weird pics, I found lots of articles that they actually do. That's why I felt that maybe it's me who sees it weird because I am old fashioned. 
You were also right about everything else. How it made me feel and why I did it. 
But there is this one thing about him that I do believe. That his life was hard and he really is going through hard times right now. I guess to hear this kind of stuff from someone, even though I have no idea about details, my codependency kicked in and I was trying to save him, help him, be blind to things I did not feel comfortable with, etc. 
Also, I was very attracted to him, which I miss about my husband. He is a nice guy, but we are very different, just like our marriage therapist said not once.
Anyway, I really hope that with more days of NC, I will get out of it and won't miss OM anymore. My husband does not deserve this and it was just my fault.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

:slap::slap:

:banghead::banghead::banghead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

elizabethb said:


> Thank you for your helpful advice. I was actually going to be just like you said - thinking "see, he is a nice guy because this and that."
> I honestly did not like his "hard" penis talk but I kept overlook it because I liked our normal conversation that we had 80%. What got me the most was that picture and the way he could not understand that I did not like it. What should I like about his sperms??? Is it some kind of trophy for a guy to have it all over the place?
> Yes, I am naive. I did not date anyone before my husband which was more than 10 years ago. So, when I googled if guys these days send weird pics, I found lots of articles that they actually do. That's why I felt that maybe it's me who sees it weird because I am old fashioned.
> You were also right about everything else. How it made me feel and why I did it.
> ...


No he doesn't deserve this. And it is only 50% of your blame, the man who waves his working todger at women who are married, but not to him, is responsible for his 50%.

Yes. Please continue the NC. That is a spiffing idea!:smthumbup:

(And yes, British people so sometimes use words like "spiffing", just like in old films, sorry, movies...)


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> Thank you for your helpful advice. I was actually going to be just like you said - thinking "see, he is a nice guy because this and that."
> I honestly did not like his "hard" penis talk but I kept overlook it because I liked our normal conversation that we had 80%.
> 
> *Can Chad Evans play football in any of the women's teams over where you live?*
> ...



'My husband does not deserve this'

Your husband does not deserve you - 
and no doubt you will not tell him and do some thing similar again in the future.
come on ask him to post on here we can all have a chat and sort out both your problem's

.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cdbaker said:


> Elizabeth... I'm sorry there are a lot of people being extra cruel to you here (which is unnecessary guys) but yes, you have been very naive here. Let me see if I can help explain how:
> 
> He's decided to walk away from your "friendship" because he *was not* getting what he really wanted out of it. (more on that in a minute) I can hear you thinking, "But cdbaker, he _*could*_ have just stopped responding one day, he didn't have to nicely explain why we should stop communicating. See, he's really a nice guy!" No, this is just a last ditch, no risk/no cost ploy to get you to feel guilty about the whole thing and reconsider giving him what he wants, which he has accomplished, since you are blaming yourself fully. It's a standard sleaze tactic. Either it works and he gets some jollies out of you for a while, or it doesn't work and he frees up some time to pursue the next woman instead. Either way, he ultimately walks away.
> 
> ...


You left out one important point... he is probably doing the same things with other women at the same time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> If the shoe fits I will (and I have, as I have defended the likes of EI and other women on here). I don't believe that all women are x, although I won't fight such statement if it is true. What might be true for a character or personality trait doesn't make it true for an entire gender. You, and another poster I won't mention, always seem to try to paint males in a negative light. Hurt or not, doesn't give one the right to claim all married men are something, as you have in this thread. If you want to characterize cheaters then, so be it go ahead and do so, but don't lump ALL men into that category as you seem to do lots. I have read lots of your posts and lots of them do have a very one track ideal of men and their intentions whether you care to acknoweldge it or not.


I already stated that I worded it wrong. That correction should be enough.

Your attack on me here and on other threads are getting tiresome. You are twisting and misrepresenting things that I've said. It's clear that you don't like me. If you cannot be civil then please do not respond to me anymore.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

The guy is a loser and has TONS of issues. You got off easy - he isn't your problem, and you can't fix him. Put your energy into your marriage instead of some inappropriate relationship with an (almost) unemployed weirdo that jerks off on his pants and sends pics to a married woman. Seriously.... wth. You don't even know this guy, you only know what he told you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You left out one important point... he is probably doing the same things with other women at the same time.


I am kinda stumped that everyone is focused on the OM when the fault lies with OP. The OM could be a genuinely single guy. or he is a loner that found friendship with OP. Maybe he is as misguided and lost as she is and OP is the only one he is talking to...Why does it even matter ? 

If not this guy, they will be a different guy. This woman is 31 years old(if she is not a troll ie). She knows the game. she knows why he sent the pics.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> I am kinda stumped that everyone is focused on the OM when the fault lies with OP. The OM could be a genuinely single guy. or he is a loner that found friendship with OP. Maybe he is as misguided and lost as she is and OP is the only one he is talking to...Why does it even matter ?
> 
> If not this guy, they will be a different guy. This woman is 31 years old(if she is not a troll ie). She knows the game. she knows why he sent the pics.


Yes she is wrong for what she is doing. She's been told that many times on this thread.

The reason that people are talking about the OM is that she is painting him as such a nice guy. People here are trying to get her to take a more realistic view of the situation and him. She needs to take off the rose colored glasses. And she needs to concentrate on herself and her marriage instead of some guy she only knows over the internet.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> I am kinda stumped that *everyone* is focused on the OM when the fault lies with OP.


:nono:

A few on here have pointed out its the OP but I'm amazed as well that some even give the time of day to a person who deceives their spouse and worries about the OM/W it honestly makes me feel sick how she looks at the whole issue

Some Instead of telling her the OM is this or that TELL her she shouldn't be even thinking about this POS and get back to her husband and talk to him about their future together if she wants that and for gods sake tell him what's she's done 

Very poisonous person indeed with a moral compass that never had a needle


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Liz, hopefully you haven't been run off yet. I have a question. From your perspective when thinking about your interactions with this man were the conversations for your benefit or his? I ask because while your codependent tendencies may have played a role they were not the primary reason for how this situation got to this point. The one thing that bothers me more than anything else is that if you do not examine the core reasons for the inappropriate behavior then you will never get to the root cause of why you were vulnerable and the next guy that comes along might be just sophisticated enough to take it to the next level. This guy was an amateur compared to many out there. Back in the day before I turned my life around you would have been mine for the taking. Just from reading this thread I can see a few red flags that would have given me all the access I would have needed. Please take the time to really analyze your behavior and don't just play it off on your codependent traits.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Pepper123 said:


> The guy is a loser and has TONS of issues. You got off easy - he isn't your problem, and you can't fix him. Put your energy into your marriage instead of some inappropriate relationship with an (almost) unemployed weirdo that jerks off on his pants and sends pics to a married woman. Seriously.... wth. *You don't even know this guy, you only know what he told you*.


Again, what does any of that matter?

She is married!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I already stated that I worded it wrong. That correction should be enough.
> 
> Your attack on me here and on other threads are getting tiresome. You are twisting and misrepresenting things that I've said. It's clear that you don't like me. If you cannot be civil then please do not respond to me anymore.


Then you stated an even worse replacement (that just further bashed men).

Sorry your hurt and offended but I have done no such twisting and turning that you claim, nor have I been uncivil in my responses. Sorry you can't take criticism well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

G.J. said:


> :nono:
> 
> A few on here have pointed out its the OP but I'm amazed as well that some even give the time of day to a person who deceives their spouse and worries about the OM/W it honestly makes me feel sick how she looks at the whole issue
> 
> ...


Because it is the right thing to do.

We like to help Wayward Spouses stop being wayward and to to help cheated upon spouses to either reconcile with their spouse or divorce, whichever option is best for them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think it's a blessing that this guy told you he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.

Because in some ways, that makes it easier to heed no contact.

My advice is: block his #/contact from your phone/email/whatever method/platform you met him in.

Concentrate on your marriage. Do not ever contact this guy again.

If something feels like it is amiss in your relationship, get to the bottom of it with your husband.

You can do this.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Because it is the right thing to do.
> 
> We like to help Wayward Spouses stop being wayward and to to help cheated upon spouses to either reconcile with their spouse or divorce, whichever option is best for them.


my post should have said
Instead of telling her the OM is this or that TELL her she shouldn't be even thinking about this POS and get back to her husband and talk to him about their future together if she wants that and for gods sake tell him what's she's done 

Which is in accord to helping her, not feeding her thoughts on the guy which she is so wrong to be evening thinking about to begin with


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Let's try to be a bit more courteous here guys. I know everyone in this section of the forum probably has a particular disdain for cheaters, but remember that the OP came here voluntarily seeking advice and support to do the _*right thing*_. Yes she had an emotional affair, and I think she acknowledged that it was wrong from her very first post. She certainly had/has some confusion regarding the OM and maybe what her next steps should be, so we can help offer advice for that, but there is absolutely no reason to be cruel, insulting, etc.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

cdbaker said:


> Let's try to be a bit more courteous here guys. I know everyone in this section of the forum probably has a particular disdain for cheaters, but remember that the OP came here voluntarily seeking advice and support to do the _*right thing*_. Yes she had an emotional affair, and I think she acknowledged that it was wrong from her very first post. She certainly had/has some confusion regarding the OM and maybe what her next steps should be, so we can help offer advice for that, but there is absolutely no reason to be cruel, insulting, etc.


She got the advice
*STOP IT....TELL HER HUSBAND....GROW UP...*and get out of the marriage if she wants to carry on cheating

We carn't give her a D to slap her out of it BUT we can slap her another way into realizing

She wants to tell us how he's a nice guy etc and some on here feed it


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Thank you for your responses. I am starting to think more clearly with each passing day. You all were right about how wrong my behavior was. Someone mentioned that I have to find out what was my reason for doing that. I miss romance, or being wanted. I feel like it was positive attention too because the one that I am getting at home is often negative in a form of daily criticism. I told my husband many times what his remarks about not knowing or not doing things 'right' do to me. He knows it pushes me but yet he keeps doing it. Maybe if I did everything his way, there would be nothing to complain about. 
Yesterday, I got a friend request and message from a stranger. I replied I am married, don't feel comfortable talking to other people and my husband wouldn't like that neither. However, what I realized here is how being attracted to someone changes my point of view. If this stranger wrote me what OM did, I would block him right away. But because I liked OM, I choose to overlook things I found weird. Anyway, it was wrong and I should not talk to him at the first place. I thought that because of distance between us, we wouldn't never be able to meet, so I was safe. It was naive to think this was OK. I don't know how nativity and stupidity can be cured, but I will try my best to work out what's wrong with me and my marriage. My husband deserves better than this.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I think you are making huge strides in your life. This is great you are starting to see things for how they actually are instead of how we want them to be. Keep up the good work. You both deserve better and the more you focus on fixing yourself and your relationship the better it will be for the both of you. 

Clay


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

elizabethb said:


> . . . because I liked OM, I choose to overlook things I found weird. Anyway, it was wrong and I should not talk to him at the first place. I thought that because of distance between us, we wouldn't never be able to meet, so I was safe. It was naive to think this was OK. I don't know how nativity and stupidity can be cured, but I will try my best to work out what's wrong with me and my marriage. *My husband deserves better than this.*


Dear elizabethb,

Yes, your husband does deserve better that. But you deserve better than this:



elizabethb said:


> Thank you for your responses. I am starting to think more clearly with each passing day. You all were right about how wrong my behavior was. Someone mentioned that I have to find out what was my reason for doing that. I miss romance, or being wanted. I feel like it was positive attention too because *the one that I am getting at home is often negative in a form of daily criticism. I told my husband many times what his remarks about not knowing or not doing things 'right' do to me. He knows it pushes me but yet he keeps doing it. Maybe if I did everything his way, there would be nothing to complain about . . . *


Here's the point: your marriage is in serious trouble and if you and your husband don't change the way you treat each other, it may not survive.

So, what should you do? You should be honest with yourself and with your husband. Start by telling him what you did and apologizing sincerely. He will undoubtedly ask you why you did it and, again, tell him the truth: you were feeling down because of some of the things your husband says and you enjoyed the positive attention you got from the other man. Explain that you are not making excuses for what you did or saying that what you did is your husband's fault, but that he needs to know how he makes you feel sometimes.

Hopefully, this will lead (maybe not right then but eventually) to a discussion of how the two of you can have a better marriage and about what you both can do to improve it (e.g., being more supportive of each other, doing more things together, him avoiding harsh criticism, you avoiding compromising situations and putting all of your energy into you marriage and relationship with your husband, and possibly marriage counseling).

If you don't do this, the chances are that your husband will continue to disappoint you, someone else will come along who makes you feel better about yourself, you will be tempted again to cheat, the next time you won't be able to dodge the bullet, your husband will find out, your marriage will be ruined and your life wiill be seriously messed up.

The best way to avoid this is to be honest -- with yourself and with your husband. So far, you've had difficulty with the former and have failed miserably with the latter. Your need to fix this.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

How are you doing, elizabethb?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

She needs to quit worrying about the OM's intentions and whether he is a good guy or not. Its irrelevant and if she continues to wonder these things, then she isn't looking to do "the right thing". 

Drop OM, forget what his intentions were and focus on your husband.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Your new thread appears to have been disappeared, deleted by you I presume. Why? Last post was mine, didn't like what you've read so far?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You said you need romance,well talk to your husband,not some guy or other guys.

I feel sorry for you husband,because in the future this thing is going to happen again and it will not be some chit-chat or EA.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

verpin zal said:


> Your new thread appears to have been disappeared, deleted by you I presume. Why? Last post was mine, didn't like what you've read so far?


I think elizabethb does not like the fact that people are pointing out:

- that she has a lot more control over what she does than she wants to admit,

- that she is therefore responsible for what she does, rather than the victim of some irresistible force and

- that, when all is said and done, the reason she is cheating on her husband is because she enjoys cheating on him.


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