# Hoping, praying for long term success...but it doesn't look good.



## jidanon

My wife and I reached a boiling point last week and I packed up and moved across the metro to my friends apartment. I am 25, she is 23. We have been together since we were 16 and 14, totalling 9 years. We have a 3 year old son who is my life. We live about 100 miles from any family. We've been fighting a lot ever since she told me 6 months ago that she hadn't been happy for a year and a half. After 6 months of doing a complete 180 in my behavior, she says she feels no change. When a male "friend" of hers lied to me about them going to dinner after a concert he went to her with (that I was also at...he actually just met us there), even though she told the truth and said yes, he did go, I called him up and went a little nuts on him asking him why he would lie, etc. A few weeks earlier, she had lied about 3 hours worth of phone conversations she had with him that I found on the phone bill. She said she hadn't spoken to him in months but I found otherwise. When she got mad at me for calling him, it was the final straw. I left work early to beat her home and wash all of my clothes to prepare to leave that night. After 3 hours of arguing, mostly in a civil fashion, she said she felt we needed time apart. She has, from what I can tell, cut off all contact with him. I now use MyVerizon to track her phone calls and text messages. 

Finally, after a week, I told her I was ready for a divorce. She cried and then did an about face in how she was acting toward me. She said she realized how close she was to losing me and wants to work it out. She didn't want me to come home yet which was actually kind of a relief because things had gotten so stressful at home that it actually felt good to be away from that situation. I am seeing my son every day and bringing him over here to stay the night every other night. She says she is working on the things that she feels like she has wronged me on and acknowledged that she made my life hell for the 6 months that I tried everything during to "get it back." She then said she wanted to go to marriage counseling. So we went to our first session yesterday and agreed that the counselor made a lot of good points in that we have to start focusing on the good and less on the bad.

So she said she wanted me to come over so she could cook dinner for me tonight. I got there just before she did, and as usual, she showed me no affection. I tried to talk and she barely made any effort. At one point I caught her sitting at the computer while we are supposed to be "together" for the night. She loaded the dishwasher and declined when I asked that she put it off to spend some time with me. Dinner was almost silent.

That's when I realized - maybe she's been right all along. Maybe we really don't have anything in common any more. Maybe our bond really is gone. So for the veterans here, how do you keep the conversation alive? We don't watch the same TV shows, we don't listen to the same music. I was on top of the world for the past couple of days when I thought she was really going to work at this. Now I'm back to questioning if we should just throw in the towel and say "we" tried. I don't know how to change my taste in music, or TV shows, or movies. It's my personality. Tonight, after being so excited that I felt she was going to start making a valiant effort, I'm questioning again if shes again decided to stop trying. I want to stay together for my son but at the same time, with how hard she has made life on me in the last 6 months while I did everything to try to make our relationship strong again, I've almost began to wonder what it would be like to date again - to start all over. I want to stay together for my son, but I can't live like this any more. It's killing me.

So, after 10, 20, 30, 40 years together, how do you keep the conversation alive? How do you keep things going? We have the most fun when we are out and about, but we are not rich by any means, so that means a lot of time is spent at home. Tonight I took my anxiety medicine because the very thought of going to the house had me anxious and nervous, knowing what we may get ourselves in to (arguing, etc).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## SimplyAmorous

jidanon said:


> That's when I realized - maybe she's been right all along. Maybe we really don't have anything in common any more. Maybe our bond really is gone. So for the veterans here, how do you keep the conversation alive? We don't watch the same TV shows, we don't listen to the same music. I was on top of the world for the past couple of days when I thought she was really going to work at this. Now I'm back to questioning if we should just throw in the towel and say "we" tried. I don't know how to change my taste in music, or TV shows, or movies. It's my personality.
> 
> .............. I want to stay together for my son, but I can't live like this any more. It's killing me.
> 
> So, after 10, 20, 30, 40 years together, how do you keep the conversation alive? How do you keep things going? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.



*What did you have in common when you met and fell in love?* WHO changed, what changed , what got lost along the way ? 

Was communication an issue even back then?

I personally don't feel parents should stay married if they are truly not happy & every day becomes a constant struggle to maintain a smile & conversation with thier spouse is non existent. Sure we might go through rough patches now & then, but if you have exhausted all hope in trying to sort this out (going on months , years), no sense in beating a dead horse. The child will pick up on this, feel it deeply, get a sour taste in his/her mouth to what marraige is , which would be a shame- for their own future & happiness. 

Sometimes parents stay together just for the kids and the kids end up feeling somehow responsible for their unhappiness. None of this is the answer. 

Start by telling her you was HURT when you asked if she would spend time with you -when she made the dinner , and she cared more about loading the dishwasher. You was really looking forward to being affectionate with her, and this is important in your life & happiness with your wife. Be honest & humble about how you feel. Hopefully this will get her to open up to you. If she can not lay her feelings at your feet, whatever they are, so you can try to resolves some of these problems, you will know, you simply must move on.


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## gfl

25 and 23 you guys are so young but that doesn’t mean you can’t be mature and responsible unlike some of the culture of today’s youth. I have been with my wife since high school now I am 43. Usually at that age either of you might be thinking you missed out on dating or whatever else. I have been through several rough patches in my marriage as well one just recently. I can’t speak for everyone but I know without a Christ Centered marriage we would have never made it. You guys have made a beautiful 3 year old together just look at your baby and think about what it would be like if some other guys is having to play part time dad or stealing you’re hugs on trips taken together as a family… I have the hardest time getting over myself mostly and being selfish. The biggies never help such as drinking and flirting. Sometimes when people get into a fog like it sounds like she is ...she is a certain mind set and has to snap out of that …in other words she might be thinking of a better situation or daydreaming about something or someone else…don’t let that get to you its normal especially at you two’s age …You as the leader have to see beyond that and help her through this in a firm manner. I don’t know if leaving ever solved anything in our squabbles for extended periods other then to break up an intense argument…you should at least try …not trying is to easy and you have made a wonderful child together …I would recommend you move back home chill out don’t argue if you can help it …show her kindness and be there for you’re child and when she sees that she may be ready to communicate with you …when you guys argue right now she is just shutting off on you …I know I used to do it allot with my wife…step up man iam telling you the first time you see another part time dad with youre child you will die inside …not to mention the finances / splitsville on property / drama in front of you’re child ..ect…its gonna be hard because you guys have married so young as we did and I did and sometimes still do have the hardest time growing up…take the xanax meds if you need to that will help tremendously espicailly not to argue with her…counseling is good as long as it’s a Christian counselor and/or faith based…hang in there you guys still have a lot of life left to go through and it will be what you make it ….you might as well try and make it with each other…good luck


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## jimrich

jidanon said:


> My wife and I reached a boiling point last week and I packed up and moved across the metro to my friends apartment. I am 25, she is 23. We have been together since we were 16 and 14, totalling 9 years. We have a 3 year old son who is my life. We live about 100 miles from any family. We've been fighting a lot ever since she told me 6 months ago that she hadn't been happy for a year and a half. After 6 months of doing a complete 180 in my behavior, she says she feels no change. When a male "friend" of hers lied to me about them going to dinner after a concert he went to her with (that I was also at...he actually just met us there), even though she told the truth and said yes, he did go, I called him up and went a little nuts on him asking him why he would lie, etc. A few weeks earlier, she had lied about 3 hours worth of phone conversations she had with him that I found on the phone bill. She said she hadn't spoken to him in months but I found otherwise. When she got mad at me for calling him, it was the final straw. I left work early to beat her home and wash all of my clothes to prepare to leave that night. After 3 hours of arguing, mostly in a civil fashion, she said she felt we needed time apart. She has, from what I can tell, cut off all contact with him. I now use MyVerizon to track her phone calls and text messages.
> 
> Finally, after a week, I told her I was ready for a divorce. She cried and then did an about face in how she was acting toward me. She said she realized how close she was to losing me and wants to work it out. She didn't want me to come home yet which was actually kind of a relief because things had gotten so stressful at home that it actually felt good to be away from that situation. I am seeing my son every day and bringing him over here to stay the night every other night. She says she is working on the things that she feels like she has wronged me on and acknowledged that she made my life hell for the 6 months that I tried everything during to "get it back." She then said she wanted to go to marriage counseling. So we went to our first session yesterday and agreed that the counselor made a lot of good points in that we have to start focusing on the good and less on the bad.
> 
> So she said she wanted me to come over so she could cook dinner for me tonight. I got there just before she did, and as usual, she showed me no affection.
> ... And what did you do about that? How did you handle it? Did you speak up, request a little affection, complain, talk about it? What? Did your son observe any of this?
> 
> I tried to talk and she barely made any effort.
> ... Did you invite her into the conversations with you? How did you handle her lack of response? Do you have a strategy or coping skill to get her talking with your of did you just TALK AT HER?
> 
> At one point I caught her sitting at the computer while we are supposed to be "together" for the night.
> ... What did you do or say about that? How did you handle it? Were you able to speak up and state your desires or complaints?
> 
> She loaded the dishwasher and declined when I asked that she put it off to spend some time with me.
> ... How did you respond to her declining? Did you take charge or back off?
> Dinner was almost silent.
> ... Do you have or want to get a strategy for dealing with that? Why couldn't you get a conversation going? What's up with your ineffective communications?
> I hope that you realize your son is not stupid and sees, hears and FEELS the stress and unhappiness in his parents and is suffering for it even if he doesn't show it or you won't believe it.
> 
> That's when I realized - maybe she's been right all along. Maybe we really don't have anything in common any more. Maybe our bond really is gone. So for the veterans here, how do you keep the conversation alive? We don't watch the same TV shows, we don't listen to the same music. I was on top of the world for the past couple of days when I thought she was really going to work at this. Now I'm back to questioning if we should just throw in the towel and say "we" tried. I don't know how to change my taste in music, or TV shows, or movies. It's my personality. Tonight, after being so excited that I felt she was going to start making a valiant effort, I'm questioning again if shes again decided to stop trying. I want to stay together for my son
> .... And your son is not being helped by having 2 miserable parents!
> 
> but at the same time, with how hard she has made life on me in the last 6 months while I did everything to try to make our relationship strong again, I've almost began to wonder what it would be like to date again - to start all over. I want to stay together for my son, but I can't live like this any more. It's killing me.
> ...... And definitely damaging your son who needs all the good examples he can get.
> 
> So, after 10, 20, 30, 40 years together, how do you keep the conversation alive? How do you keep things going? We have the most fun when we are out and about, but we are not rich by any means, so that means a lot of time is spent at home. Tonight I took my anxiety medicine because the very thought of going to the house had me anxious and nervous, knowing what we may get ourselves in to (arguing, etc).
> 
> Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


re: I want to stay together for my son
.... I hope you realize that your son is being hurt by all this more than either of you! Kids need good parental role models!

I'd look at other posts here for book recommendations or just hop into a bookstore/library and get busy studying up on exactly HOW TO make a relationship work - FOR YOUR SON'S SAKE!
I heard that this is a good book:
how to improve your marriage without talking about it - Google Search

Do whatever it takes to make sure your son gets what he needs and deserves = good parental role models. If you focus on his needs you might be motivated to DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOUR CHILD.
Re: So, after 10, 20, 30, 40 years together, how do you keep the conversation alive? How do you keep things going? 
..... We began our relationship as very best friends and so it is rather easy for us to talk about anything. Rather than give you a whole bunch of items to use/do, I'd suggest you google: communications and study up on exactly how to talk about things and invite others into the conversation with you - it's just a skill and technique that anyone can learn. You 'keep things going' with the same tactic LEARN HOW TO! There are 1000s of methods and techniques so find some wherever you can and try them out. Your son will greatly benefit from this.


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## tourniquet

I'll tell you what my wrestling coach said about hoping.

He said "Son, why don't you hope in one hand and sh*t in the other one - then see which one fills up first". 

I live by these words.


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## BigBadWolf

First, you need to realize she is or was having an emotional affair with this affair man. This needs to stop before any forward progress on your marriage.

There is heavy resentment, this is likely because of the emotoinal affair, especially if she is going to either blame you for her having an affair to begin with or resenting and blaming you for threatening to divorce her and spoiling her affair fun.

Any affair man in the picture needs to be gone with no contact before your woman will be emotionally available and willing to fix your own marriage. A woman will be emotoinally open to only one man at a time, and this man needs to be you as her husband.

These other things, do not attempt to change your own taste in music or hobbies or anything for your woman. In fact, it is the opposite of what you need to be doing, which is pursuing your own strengths and hobbies and happiness from your own leadership and desires, and then to invite your woman into this happiness. This is romance and sexual attraction, not pretending to be something you are not to try to trick a woman into liking you. This is never working.

So first things first, make sure to address this affair head on, including the resentment and guilt that is likely festering under the surface. Your woman will blame you for the affair, for her not being happy, saying she hasn't been happy for years, blame you for contacting the other man, blame you for making her miserable, etc etc etc. 

Work through this head on, even to the point of sharing with her, calmly and confidently like you say you are doing which is excellent and I applaud you, how you feel about her and this affair, the good bad and ugly, and what you are desiring as her husband to move forward into a happy and successful relationship.

Also for yourself, to explain this to your woman, is to also in your own leadership locate and set up appointment for marriage counciling, and go to the appointments inviting your woman along. Do this from your leadership, do not wait for your woman to make this move or that move. Prove to her and youreslf that you are one hundred times the leader of this affair man, and that you will fight for your woman one hundred times harder than any affair man.

And for the date nights, even without much money, as a good man to win the attractoin of your woman you must have a plan. This tells her by your actions that she is worth your time and attention to plan the evening, that you are a man that is able to both know what he is wanting from life and is the mettle to pursue it. In this way, it makes your woman feel valued, that she is special and has attracted the attention of a good man. 

To simply want to play it by ear or wait to see what your woman wants to do or these kinds of date nights, over time this will make your woman feel neglected and that she is in the company of a man that is more in her eyes like a child. 

This is the way to put your marriage back on track and keep it on track for the long haul: Always from your own leadership making yourself desirable and finding happiness in your own direction, and inviting your woman into the happiness that you create together. 

As the good man, always in your own action and direction, it is intentional and deliberate, do not follow or wait for your woman, as to do this is making her feel neglected and inviting another affair man into the picture. 

I am hoping some of this is beneficial to you.

I wish you well.


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## guyfromoz

Man I have no advice but I really feel for you and will following your progress.. 
Good luck..


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