# Difference In Sex Drive



## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

I'm guessing there are a million threads on here about this. Something I really struggle with is that my gf of 2.5 years is our differences in sex drive. 

I'm 39 and she's 37. She's content with once or twice a week at most. Often it's once or none a week and she's totally fine with that. 

For me I'd go everyday but am content with about every other day. 

The constant rejection wears on me. Supposedly it's not personal, but over time it begins to feel personal. 

From her perspective she says it makes her feel like she isn't good enough. Just this morning a tried to initiate and she said, "geezer we just did it 2 days ago". 

Before anyone says maybe I could relieve stress more for her or something like that, I'm very much an equal partner in all aspects. I cook dinner every night, I manage my share of house work, I parent equally, etc. 

I'm just at a loss on how to maybe improve this. When we first started dating this wasn't an issue. Fast forward to now, we own a home together (me, her, my son, her son, and her daughter). 

When we do have sex it's absolutely amazing. I just want the frequency to increase. Hoping at some point her drive. Picks up.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

So you're not married?

That's good because the only way you are going to do anything about this is if you destabilize the relationship, which is much easier and safer to do when you aren't married.

You are probably being too nice to her. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life" (even though you aren't married).


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Talk to her about it. In a perfect scenerio what would her ideal number of times you guys have sex in a week be? Maybe hers is twice a week therefore she is happy. If she says 4, then ask her how you guys can get to that number, what she needs. Every other day sounds exhausting to me with just a busy life.


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## wellseasoned (Jan 8, 2016)

This is how God designed us. Women catch the seed, men spread the seed. Never going to change. If her sex life is once or twice a week, it will always be like that, shocking it will decrease with age. :frown2: 

Since men go out and fight wars, capture food, women stay home raise kids. Women were designed to make babies while men were designed to create babies. Women usually give birth to one child at a time, while men can impregnate many women at once. See how it works? That's why! So get used to having sex less than she is willing to put out. :surprise:

In some magical cases, there are women that desire sex a lot, but that is very few and far between. So your hand will always be your best friend. This is why some women call men perverts because we want sex so much. But its natural for us to want to spread our seed as much as possible.
In the end, it all equals out. Take care!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She's comfortable. This is why I'm not an advocate of living together before marriage. Granted, you can see how things would eventually change once you married, so maybe in your case, this wasn't such a bad idea. But, marriage, if you're heading in that direction, won't change this problem. Not that her sex drive is a problem, but it's a problem for _you_. So, don't get married until you decide...can I accept this person for who she is, and for the low amount of sex that we have? So many threads on here of people who thought that marriage would magically change the person.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

BuddyL33 said:


> She's content with once or twice a week at most. Often it's once or none a week and she's totally fine with that.


Every time one complains they make themselves a victim, step out of that role.

Accept it and leave it behind... once a week would be a feast to many others, appreciate her and spend as much quality in that moment than focusing on the time you have not.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> So many threads on here of people who thought that marriage would magically change the person.


It does change some people, aka bait and switch (not the case here).


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

CP... now that's funny. :wink2:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> It does change some people, aka bait and switch (not the case here).


Well, they bought a house together, and carry on like a married couple, without the contract. I think she's comfortable now, that's my guess. Not that she 'used' sex to lure him, but how many stories do we hear about where the woman was very into sex when dating, and once she became comfortable in the relationship, it tapered off? Marriage or not, it seems like moving in together, buying a house and living as though they are married, has created a shift in her feeling like she needs to accommodate the OP, anymore. If this is how she is 2.5 years into it, can't imagine how the sex will drop off in 5 or 10 more years? 

Again, if you can't live with certain things before marriage, better to end it, before you are stuck in a marriage and the only way out is a costly divorce.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

tech-novelist said:


> So you're not married?
> 
> That's good because the only way you are going to do anything about this is if you destabilize the relationship...


Back to the social forums for me. Thanks for the reminder.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

BuddyL33 said:


> I'm just at a loss on how to maybe improve this....
> When we do have sex it's absolutely amazing. I just want the frequency to increase. Hoping at some point her drive. Picks up.


If differences in "drive" is all there is, sometimes you might find it nice to take yourself out for a nice drive:










Badsanta


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

wellseasoned said:


> This is how God designed us. Women catch the seed, men spread the seed. Never going to change. If her sex life is once or twice a week, it will always be like that, shocking it will decrease with age. :frown2:
> 
> Since men go out and fight wars, capture food, women stay home raise kids. Women were designed to make babies while men were designed to create babies. Women usually give birth to one child at a time, while men can impregnate many women at once. See how it works? That's why! So get used to having sex less than she is willing to put out. :surprise:
> 
> ...


I'm going to guess you're not getting much? As for the rest of your post, what a lot of drivel. 

There are more than a few women that like and want sex. There are plenty of men that don't want or like sex. It is not a gender based issue. Nothing to do with God or "seed".


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> I'm going to guess you're not getting much? As for the rest of your post, what a lot of drivel.


Ouch...

(hehehehehe....)

I'm sure I'll pay, but it was strangely satisfying to read.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MrsHolland said:


> I'm going to guess you're not getting much? As for the rest of your post, what a lot of drivel.
> 
> There are more than a few women that like and want sex. There are plenty of men that don't want or like sex. It is not a gender based issue. Nothing to do with God or "seed".


Yay it's Holland! :yay:

I concur, that kind of thinking has a lot to do with not getting any.


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

I really hoping someone has the magic answer. I could use it too. 


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

My wife and I went through the same thing in about our 6th year (15 years) of marriage. She was happy with about 1-2x a week. We had a heart to heart talk where I said I can't/won't live the rest of my life this way. I basically said if this dog doesn't get fed at home then he will dig in the neighbor's trash. She fully knew I was not bluffing. She got the drift and it has been about 4-6x a week since then.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

BuddyL33 said:


> For me I'd go everyday but am content with about every other day.


Welcome to my world -- don't expect any sympathy from the folks here. I think there are a lot of peeps that aren't getting tail but every couple of weeks.

So, if you guys are as young as you are and NOT married. The sex will only decrease and get less HOT. 

I suggest stating what you expect and trying to dig in and hold the line.

We've been married 20 yrs and we have sex every other day, but it took me using Jedi mind tricks and per my other thread, I wish she would initiate it more and be in to it. But I guess after all these years, this ain't too bad.

Good Luck.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Shayneviii said:


> I really hoping someone has the magic answer. I could use it too.


There's no magic answer, but there are some answers. They take work, and there is no guarantee of results, but you will have a lot better chance than if you just keep doing what you have been doing.

"Married Man's Sex Life" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" are where you should start.


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

I actually started No More Mr. nice Guy about 30 min ago. Truly appreciate your suggestion. It's an eye opening book. Nice guys hope that putting so much thought into what their significant other wants will pay off, but it really doesn't always. It sucks, but everything he says happens to nice guys are traits I'm developing as we speak. Resentment standing out above all. 

It starts with doing all you can to make your wife happy. Then wondering why she doesn't want to make you as happy as you want to make her. Then feeling like she doesn't enjoy making you happy, then to it being a chore for her too please you. It becomes very personal and resentment is almost inevitable at that pony. 

That cycle isn't healthy for the nice guy. 


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

jarhed said:


> Welcome to my world -- don't expect any sympathy from the folks here. I think there are a lot of peeps that aren't getting tail but every couple of weeks.
> .


Ummm....getting "tail"? 

And you all wonder WHY your wives don't want to have sex with you...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Shayneviii said:


> That cycle isn't healthy for the nice guy.


This is truly a "your milage may vary" thing...

If one's wife is a "won't lead, follow, or get out of the way" type, then you'll have to resort to a Plan B.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Maybe read The 5 Love Languages...and show her love in ways that are meaningful to her.

MAYBE in her 40's her sex drive will go thru the roof!  Not unheard of.

MAYBE this is as good as it gets, and you have to decide if this is a way to live for the rest of your life!

Counseling?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Shayneviii said:


> Nice guys hope that putting so much thought into what their significant other wants will pay off, but it really doesn't always. It sucks, but everything he says happens to nice guys are traits I'm developing as we speak. Resentment standing out above all.
> 
> It starts with doing all you can to make your wife happy. Then wondering why she doesn't want to make you as happy as you want to make her. Then feeling like she doesn't enjoy making you happy, then to it being a chore for her too please you. It becomes very personal and resentment is almost inevitable at that pony.
> 
> ...


If a "nice guy" is putting so much thought into what his spouse wants with the expectation of a "reward", then he's not such a "nice guy" after all.

Doesn't matter how much effort you put into something. If you're expecting a reward for your efforts then your efforts aren't _sincere_.

Your wives pick up on this. And if the "reward" you want never changes, it becomes obvious to her what you REALLY want.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

wellseasoned said:


> This is how God designed us. Women catch the seed, men spread the seed. Never going to change. If her sex life is once or twice a week, it will always be like that, shocking it will decrease with age. :frown2:
> 
> Since men go out and fight wars, capture food, women stay home raise kids. Women were designed to make babies while men were designed to create babies. Women usually give birth to one child at a time, while men can impregnate many women at once. See how it works? That's why! So get used to having sex less than she is willing to put out. :surprise:
> 
> ...


Wow.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

BuddyL33 said:


> When we do have sex it's absolutely amazing. I just want the frequency to increase. Hoping at some point her drive. Picks up.


It is extremely highly unlikely her drive will ever pick up. More likely it will reduce with age. Women typically just aren't wired the way men are when it comes to sex. Not physically (testosterone) or emotionally (we typically want it for different reasons than men.) You are asking her to eat a huge steak when she is already stuffed.

I would say that if your sex drives are badly mismatched and it's making you miserable you should break up, but if you're doing it twice a week and it's amazing, I gotta tell ya, you're getting a lot more that the majority of men in long term relationships, so I wouldn't be too quick to try to trade her in.

I suggest:

1. Don't take it personally as "rejection" when she doesn't want to have sex. It sounds like she loves sex with you. Just not as often as you want it.

2. Can you have an open discussion with her regarding your sex drive? If she understands you really need to "scratch that itch" all the time and every other day is already a compromise for you, maybe she would be happy to help you scratch it with a quick, happily delivered hand job or blow job (or whatever works for you...) if the expectation is not always a full on love making session.

Sorry to get graphic, but as a woman who definitely does not want sex every day - or even every other day - but who loves her husband, I'm very happy to give my H an enthusiastic 5 minute blow job any time he wants it as long as I know that's all it's going to be.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Vega said:


> If a "nice guy" is putting so much thought into what his spouse wants with the expectation of a "reward", then he's not such a "nice guy" after all.
> 
> Doesn't matter how much effort you put into something. If you're expecting a reward for your efforts then your efforts aren't _sincere_.
> 
> Your wives pick up on this. And if the "reward" you want never changes, it becomes obvious to her what you REALLY want.


I think a lot of times too, guys do what *they *want to do to be nice rather than what their wife wants. Or what they think their wife will want, rather than finding out what their wife really wants and doing that. 

The guy thinks he's some kind of martyr and is getting resentful, meanwhile his wife is just as frustrated and resentful because he's giving her what he's comfortable giving her, not what she actually needs/desires from him.

It's a lose-lose situation...


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

Vega said:


> If a "nice guy" is putting so much thought into what his spouse wants with the expectation of a "reward", then he's not such a "nice guy" after all.
> 
> Doesn't matter how much effort you put into something. If you're expecting a reward for your efforts then your efforts aren't _sincere_.
> 
> Your wives pick up on this. And if the "reward" you want never changes, it becomes obvious to her what you REALLY want.




I never once said I expect a reward. It's not like I'm doing household chores and giving massages with the expectation of a reward. In general, I'm always considering what would make her happy over what I want. It's a completely selfless act. I just find myself unhappy with this one area of my life, we have talked about it to the point she says she never wants to discuss it again. 

Someone mentioned reading the 5 love languages book. I've read it and summed up the love languages to her. It seems like she could fall into 2-3 different languages. I've tried all of them, nothing I do seems to make her feel more loved than she already does. I've asked and she also doesn't know what she would consider her love language. 

I hope that paints a better picture of my intentions when trying to make her happy. I just want someone to want to make me as happy as I want to make them. 


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Shayneviii said:


> I never once said I expect a reward. It's not like I'm doing household chores and giving massages with the expectation of a reward. In general, I'm always considering what would make her happy over what I want. It's a completely selfless act. I just find myself unhappy with this one area of my life, we have talked about it to the point she says she never wants to discuss it again.
> 
> Someone mentioned reading the 5 love languages book. I've read it and summed up the love languages to her. It seems like she could fall into 2-3 different languages. I've tried all of them, nothing I do seems to make her feel more loved than she already does. I've asked and she also doesn't know what she would consider her love language.
> 
> ...


Stop "always" doing that.

The is the martyr complex WW was alluding to. Do the things that make you happy, and invest in the relationship as much as you can without resentment building. 

To some degree, this may be destabilizing. But bottom line is that she is not being completely selfless for you, nor should she. 

Relationships should enhance us, not be our sole source of happiness. 

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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Vega said:


> Ummm....getting "tail"?
> 
> And you all wonder WHY your wives don't want to have sex with you...


My wife will often accuse me of making derogatory comments that make her feel objectified and used. She will ask me, "why is it you just love my ***** so much?"

I'll then smile big and tell her, "It is OK honey, I'm starting to enjoy your cooking too these days, but we both know you'll never be as good as ___her very favorite restaurant goes here____." 

OMG, she can't keep a straight face as she tries to be serious and she will burst out laughing! ...usually insulting me worse.

Badsanta


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Shayneviii said:


> I actually started No More Mr. nice Guy about 30 min ago. Truly appreciate your suggestion. It's an eye opening book. Nice guys hope that putting so much thought into what their significant other wants will pay off, but it really doesn't always. It sucks, but everything he says happens to nice guys are traits I'm developing as we speak. Resentment standing out above all.
> 
> It starts with doing all you can to make your wife happy. Then wondering why she doesn't want to make you as happy as you want to make her. Then feeling like she doesn't enjoy making you happy, then to it being a chore for her too please you. It becomes very personal and resentment is almost inevitable at that pony.
> 
> That cycle isn't healthy for the nice guy.


Correct, it isn't.

After you finish NMMNG and MMSLP, you should read https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8. Yes, there are some typographical problems in the book, and it is not necessarily tightly constructed (i.e., it is derived from blog posts), but it will permanently dissuade you of your notions about how women respond to "nice guys".


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

The best way to "solve" this problem is to compromise. You would like it every day (not doable for most people) she is fine with once a week so maybe compromise with twice a week. Accept this and don't initiate anymore than that so when she rejects you, you don't feel beaten down. If she was just a girlfriend I would tell you that maybe you should be dating other women to find someone you are more sexually compatible with but by buying a house and moving in together and establishing a blended family with children you have made a commitment so you have to accept that you will be having less sex than you would like.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Women who like sex are "few and far between?"

My second wife wants sex all the time even after 3 years together. (She is VERY multiorgasmic).

My first wife almost never wanted it (she was effectively anorgasmic).

My good buddy is in early 50's and single and dates a LOT of women of different ages. He tells me MOST want a lot of sex. 

So my pseudoscientific explanation which is as good as yours, is that mutiorgasmic women like sex and single women like sex.




wellseasoned said:


> This is how God designed us. Women catch the seed, men spread the seed. Never going to change. If her sex life is once or twice a week, it will always be like that, shocking it will decrease with age. :frown2:
> 
> Since men go out and fight wars, capture food, women stay home raise kids. Women were designed to make babies while men were designed to create babies. Women usually give birth to one child at a time, while men can impregnate many women at once. See how it works? That's why! So get used to having sex less than she is willing to put out. :surprise:
> 
> ...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm a a woman in her late forties...I have girlfriends and we talk about our sex lives... women who like and want frequent, fun sex with their partners are not few and far between.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> My good buddy is in early 50's and single and dates a LOT of women of different ages. He tells me MOST want a lot of sex.
> 
> So my pseudoscientific explanation which is as good as yours, is that mutiorgasmic women like sex and single women like sex.


That's purple squirrel territory right there. Start with a basic selection query criterion, over 50. Then add single. Why is she single? 

Then add #skeletons in closet. Those tend to come out quickly if the relationship is not FWB based.

In our case we are more interested in 50+ and married or in an LTR. I'm not so confident the data you reported for single women are as applicable for married women. 

Self selected evidence isn't.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I'm a a woman in her late forties...I have girlfriends and we talk about our sex lives... women who like and want frequent, fun sex with their partners are not few and far between.


Self selection once again. I have no reason to dispute what you're saying but can't help wonder if you're seeing something else because like minded people tend to associate together... 

I mean, I'm surrounded by 50's male engineer and technician types and invariably they all report the exact opposite about their wives. The exact same reasons I mentioned apply.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It sounds like you just need to compromise and be ok with having sex twice a week. The other options you seem to have already exhausted. You can leave her and find someone else but you don't know the problem won't repeat itself. 
It's difficult because the person with the lower drive determines the quantity of sex. I guess that's just the way it is even if it's unfair. You can't force her, and she doesn't seem to be open to discussing it. 
I would say initiate twice a week, and masterbate as needed, and continue to be a good loving husband. Stop focusing on it so much Bc it will drive you crazy. This isn't a problem that needs to be solved. If having great sex twice a week is your only problem... Let it go and focus on the positive in your marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

john117 said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > I'm a a woman in her late forties...I have girlfriends and we talk about our sex lives... women who like and want frequent, fun sex with their partners are not few and far between.
> ...


I'm divorced after 16 years of marriage. Most of my friends are in my age range and have been married for 20 plus years.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> It sounds like you just need to compromise and be ok with having sex twice a week. The other options you seem to have already exhausted. You can leave her and find someone else but you don't know the problem won't repeat itself.
> It's difficult because the person with the lower drive determines the quantity of sex. I guess that's just the way it is even if it's unfair. You can't force her, and she doesn't seem to be open to discussing it.
> I would say initiate twice a week, and masterbate as needed, and continue to be a good loving husband. Stop focusing on it so much Bc it will drive you crazy. This isn't a problem that needs to be solved. If having great sex twice a week is your only problem... Let it go and focus on the positive in your marriage.


There are many couples who post here who have sex more often than once or twice a week. It is possible to find someone you are more sexually compatible with. Since he is here posting about it, it IS a problem he needs to solve.

I wouldn't be happy with one or twice a week .


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

john117 said:


> Self selection once again. I have no reason to dispute what you're saying but can't help wonder if you're seeing something else because like minded people tend to associate together...
> 
> I mean, I'm surrounded by 50's male engineer and technician types and invariably they all report the exact opposite about their wives. The exact same reasons I mentioned apply.


Exactly.

People's anecdotal experiences don't make the norm.

I have a few single girlfriends in the 40's & 50's who talk about sex like it's an oasis in the desert and they just cannot get enough. So yes those women exist. Then there are ALL the other women I know in their 40's and 50's who talk about liking sex fine but not so often. Once a week is more than enough for most of them. I'd say they outnumber the ones who want it all the time about 4 or 5 to 1. 

Also, the ones who want it all the time are usually single and in new relationships. I'm not saying women fake sexual interest to get men, but there is a big difference in drive for most women in the first year or two of a long term relationship.

And then there are women on TAM who are long term married and love sex all the time - so sure it can go either way, but if we did a study, I'm quite certain the world over men have more of a sex drive than women. Because they have more testosterone. It's not some big mystery or a sexist lie to observe the obvious.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

Shayneviii said:


> I never once said I expect a reward. It's not like I'm doing household chores and giving massages with the expectation of a reward. In general, I'm always considering what would make her happy over what I want. It's a completely selfless act.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


WOW - so similar to me and I've never quite been able to get people to "get it". It's just natural for me to want to do kind things for her (and anyone else for that matter) and I don't want anything in return.

BUT - I totally get how you want someone to make you as happy as you want to make them. Do you get the drift that your wife doesn't care if you are happy or for your well being? In MC I told the therapist I could have a gaping wound in my head and my wife would say, "that sux, pass the potatoes - if she noticed at all".


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

I've lived and loved this way for over 25 years, it's the only thing my wife and I have ever fought over. She can't learn to want it more, any more the you can learn to want it less. I've tried everything under the sun, what worked today won't work tomorrow, I've spent a quarter of a century trying to find that magic button, it just doesn't exist. So love her in spite of the difference or cut your losses and find another woman. Sorry to be blunt but this is my humble opinion.

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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

jarhed said:


> WOW - so similar to me and I've never quite been able to get people to "get it". It's just natural for me to want to do kind things for her (and anyone else for that matter) and I don't want anything in return.
> 
> 
> 
> BUT - I totally get how you want someone to make you as happy as you want to make them. Do you get the drift that your wife doesn't care if you are happy or for your well being? In MC I told the therapist I could have a gaping wound in my head and my wife would say, "that sux, pass the potatoes - if she noticed at all".




Fortunately, my wife does seem to care about me in general. But I would say she cares more about herself than me. She just doesn't think about sex even though she knows how much it means to me. I tried new things, I'm constantly reading and improving my technique. She frequently says things like "omg, where'd that come from" with a huge smile. She actually asked me to show her how I do what I do, because she can't do it as well as I can.Yet she can go visit family for a week, come back home and not even touch (hold hands, kiss, hug, nothing) me for a few days. Last time I let it go for 9 days before I said something. 

I gotta ask, I'm hearing a lot of people say 1-3 times a week. I'm 27, my wife and I are our first and only, childhood sweethearts, got married at 19, had a daughter at 22. I'm lucky to have sex once a week. It's pretty much 2-3 times a month. Oral is very rare on her part, maybe 4-5 times a year. I do it nearly every time. What's normal? I would consider donating a kidney for twice a week. Lol. 


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

In addition to my earlier comment, let me add one more concerning frequency, whether it's once a month or once a day, if she ( or he) does not engage, participate or acknowledge you're having sex you still will never find the satisfaction you desire. Sex is a team sport otherwise it's masturbation. 

Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

That was exactly the case with wife #1. There was nothing I could do. I 
spent years stupidly partly thinking it was something wrong with me, self esteem disaster. 

If you are really unhappy and want a loving, and exciting sex life, OP needs to seriously consider moving on. Its not going to get better. It did NOT get better for me for 23 years either. 

Now that Im married to someone else, sex is super fun, and frequent and sometimes IM THE ONE who can't keep up. 

It was so difficult to see when I was in the first marriage. 

OP, if its a GF not a wife, its so easy to move on without pain and suffering and financial disaster. I hope there are no children. If that is the case, please move on and get the love and intimate life that you want.




peterrabbit said:


> I've lived and loved this way for over 25 years, it's the only thing my wife and I have ever fought over. She can't learn to want it more, any more the you can learn to want it less. I've tried everything under the sun, what worked today won't work tomorrow, I've spent a quarter of a century trying to find that magic button, it just doesn't exist. So love her in spite of the difference or cut your losses and find another woman. Sorry to be blunt but this is my humble opinion.
> 
> Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Im 50 and dear wife is 24 and over 3 years together. 

We do it almost every day unless we are totally exhausted from work or doing something else (rare) even more fun (like a recent non stop activity trip to NYC).

Once a week can be normal IF THAT IS YOU, but if its not OUCH. Im 50 and I need it every day, sometimes more than once a day, with an occasional break for illness, or as above.

My dear wife ASKS me for sex almost every day. It can be better!



Shayneviii said:


> Fortunately, my wife does seem to care about me in general. But I would say she cares more about herself than me. She just doesn't think about sex even though she knows how much it means to me. I tried new things, I'm constantly reading and improving my technique. She frequently says things like "omg, where'd that come from" with a huge smile. She actually asked me to show her how I do what I do, because she can't do it as well as I can.Yet she can go visit family for a week, come back home and not even touch (hold hands, kiss, hug, nothing) me for a few days. Last time I let it go for 9 days before I said something.
> 
> I gotta ask, I'm hearing a lot of people say 1-3 times a week. I'm 27, my wife and I are our first and only, childhood sweethearts, got married at 19, had a daughter at 22. I'm lucky to have sex once a week. It's pretty much 2-3 times a month. Oral is very rare on her part, maybe 4-5 times a year. I do it nearly every time. What's normal? I would consider donating a kidney for twice a week. Lol.
> 
> ...


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Ok, here is the thing. I LOVE To do nice things for my dear wife. However, she deserves it! If she was depriving me of sex and love and affection all the time, NO WAY. read MMSL. For better for worse that led me finally (after years of work) to end my marriage #1. Now 3 years into #2, I LOVE to do nice things for dear wife. However, its a reward for her for being such an awesome wife and lover. 

I can't imagine slaving away and doing stuff for a cold one. I didn't do it ever anyway. 

It works against you. If your wife is giving and loving, then be giving and loving back. Otherwise....hmm....





jarhed said:


> WOW - so similar to me and I've never quite been able to get people to "get it". It's just natural for me to want to do kind things for her (and anyone else for that matter) and I don't want anything in return.
> 
> BUT - I totally get how you want someone to make you as happy as you want to make them. Do you get the drift that your wife doesn't care if you are happy or for your well being? In MC I told the therapist I could have a gaping wound in my head and my wife would say, "that sux, pass the potatoes - if she noticed at all".


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Shayneviii said:


> I just find myself unhappy with this one area of my life, we have talked about it to the point she says she never wants to discuss it again.
> ...
> I just want someone to want to make me as happy as I want to make them.


I'm curious, when you talk about it, and you say "I really desire sex x times a week" what *did *she say? Did you ever suggest quickies or just a BJ or HJ a few times a week so she doesn't have to be so physically and time-wise invested? Maybe a better wording would be for you to ask her: Is there something we can do, or a way we can do it sometimes when you're not in the mood that would satisfy me and still be pleasant for you?

I read a post on here once that some guy made where his wife never wanted to give him oral sex or didn't want sex nearly as much as he did. Then one day he just told her how important it was to him. I don't remember what he said or how he worded it, but he said now she'll drop to her knees and give him a blow job any time he wants. (That's the dream, right?!)

I would read His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley, and LoveBusters. 
Also, this might interest you:
The Giver & Taker
If you are making sacrifices to make your wife happy, you may end up hurting your marriage more than you help it. And you'll create resentment if you ask her to do things she does not want to do - like have sex all the time. At the same time, if she really is happy and in love with you and you really are meeting her needs, I would think she would have an abundance of good will where she would want to satisfy you sexually if she understood it was important to you, as long as you made it as simple and fun as possible. And quick.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

OMG! You are telling him if he makes it quick for her that is ok?

Please! That is the worst thing I can imagine. 

If the woman is not into it, then forget it. Total turn off for me.

I think he should find a woman that appreciates him and loves that he wants to please her sexually.

Im am tired of all these cold women. Let them live alone in their cold asexual worlds. There are so many women out there that want to have a good time and enjoy getting it on!

Find one of them. Let the cold prudes live on their own like they deserve!

Guys, wake up and walk out! Do not settle for a "quickie" there is a world of women that want you.




WorkingWife said:


> I'm curious, when you talk about it, and you say "I really desire sex x times a week" what *did *she say? Did you ever suggest quickies or just a BJ or HJ a few times a week so she doesn't have to be so physically and time-wise invested? Maybe a better wording would be for you to ask her: Is there something we can do, or a way we can do it sometimes when you're not in the mood that would satisfy me and still be pleasant for you?
> 
> I read a post on here once that some guy made where his wife never wanted to give him oral sex or didn't want sex nearly as much as he did. Then one day he just told her how important it was to him. I don't remember what he said or how he worded it, but he said now she'll drop to her knees and give him a blow job any time he wants. (That's the dream, right?!)
> 
> ...


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> I'm curious, when you talk about it, and you say "I really desire sex x times a week" what *did *she say? Did you ever suggest quickies or just a BJ or HJ a few times a week so she doesn't have to be so physically and time-wise invested? Maybe a better wording would be for you to ask her: Is there something we can do, or a way we can do it sometimes when you're not in the mood that would satisfy me and still be pleasant for you?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




When we talked about it last I was really emotional, but she's quick to find an excuse. Such as Birth Control lowers her drive, she's exhausted (then sits down and scrolls through Pinterest for 2 hours). We've had 4 serious talks about it and she almost acts like it's childish or that I'm a perv. Like in the big scheme of things it's not a big deal. I told her I would love sex every day but I would be happy with every 3 days or so. 

She doesn't like giving BJ's and HJ's. I've suggested it would be easier on her and make a huge difference in my level of happiness. I even came up with this idea where she straddles me facing my feet and gives me a HJ and I'll massage her back... It's never happened. She used to say work was exhausting, so I encouraged her to quit her job and find something she enjoys. Long story short, she went from working 50+ hours a week to working from home a 2-4 hours a day. And I still do 75% of the laundry and dishes. I do most of the cooking even though I'm gone 11 hours out of the day for work. I get our daughter ready for bed, give baths... It's a lot. 

The guy in the story sounds like he got lucky. Lol. And I agree, I would think of she's so happy and thankful she would want me to feel the same. 
I read the No More Mr Nice Guy book and I'm going to give it a try. I really hoped we could both selflessly try to make each other as happy as we could be. She went out of town for a concert with a friend this weekend (and no, she didn't have sex with me before she left) and I decided to plant the tree she's kept in the house for the last couple years. I've told her long enough I didn't want it in the house and if she didn't do something with it I would plant it. I guess it's time to man up.


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

fetishwife said:


> OMG! You are telling him if he makes it quick for her that is ok?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




See, I'm okay with a quickie if she's into it. But I completely agree, if she's not into it forget about it. I can't really imagine myself with anyone else and the thought of her remarrying and another man raising my daughter is not something I'm willing to do. It's not even an option. 

Have any females had any luck regaining drive after going off birth control? I'm going to get a vasectomy and hope that fixes it. If not, no more mister nice guy.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

She knows it's an issue. It's something we've had a very own dialog about. I know her level of energy is a big factor. In the beginning, before we ever moved in together, it was 4-5 things a week. That's where she set the bar. 

Now by 9 o clock at night she's drained and "in tired" is often the excuse. I've suggested us doing it earlier in the day. Hell even when she comes home from work, etc. Anything to avoid the dreaded zero hour when the kids are in bed and she's ready herself. Meanwhile in wide awake until midnight. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

Also I appreciate all the words and advice on this thread. Thank you very much 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> It sounds like you just need to compromise and be ok with having sex twice a week. The other options you seem to have already exhausted. You can leave her and find someone else but you don't know the problem won't repeat itself.
> It's difficult because the person with the lower drive determines the quantity of sex. I guess that's just the way it is even if it's unfair. You can't force her, and she doesn't seem to be open to discussing it.
> I would say initiate twice a week, and masterbate as needed, and continue to be a good loving husband. Stop focusing on it so much Bc it will drive you crazy. *This isn't a problem that needs to be solved. If having great sex twice a week is your only problem... Let it go and focus on the positive in your marriage*.


Not that I necessarily disagree with your post, but the problem is with the bolded, if he has a very high drive, IT IS A PROBLEM. I agree it is his problem but it is a problem, it isn't something that you just can let go. OP just needs to decide, if the problem is big enough for him to move on. Just bottling it up and "letting it go" when that is not what is best for him will lead to nothing but resentment.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Shayneviii said:


> fetishwife said:
> 
> 
> > OMG! You are telling him if he makes it quick for her that is ok?
> ...


So you've told her told her your feelings around this issue.... you've altered her work schedule so she only works 2 to 4 hours a day from home so she's not too tired ....you do more than your share of daily maintenance/chores... And nothing has changed. It's not a priority to her. You have your answer to make any informed decision. 

But you say leaving isn't an option. You are choosing this.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If she is not "into it," look at the quality of your emotional connection. 

Do you seek to understand her? Validate her feelings? Are you nurturing and patient? 

Does she feel she can come to you with anything, at any time, and you will listen and be supportive?

When you need to disagree, do you do it gently and humbly, letting her know that this is how it seems to you at the moment, but you are open to the idea that you may not have understood completely, and might be totally wrong? 

When you are wrong, do you acknowledge it, apologize and thank her for setting you straight?


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> But you say leaving isn't an option. You are choosing this.




That's not easy to hear, but it's the truth. I would rather be able to raise my daughter and have a boring sex life than the alternative though.


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

jld said:


> If she is not "into it," look at the quality of your emotional connection.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




When she's into it, she's into it. When she's not, she's not. We realized a few years back that we aren't going to agree on everything and that we should be more open and understanding. I don't pass judgement and encourage her to tell me what she wants to do in life and in our romantic life. So, I'd say I seek to understand her and I do so genuinely. This woman is my life. As far as nurturing, emotionally she had a crazy mom who stirs her up often. I do my best to intervene as her mom respects me enough to treat me like an adult. Physically, if she's sore I give her massages... Full body massages.. No happy ending . 

I will say, she does often say I disagree with her just to disagree. I truly don't, we just have a difference in opinion sometimes. I often just agree to avoid her getting frustrated. So, while this is one area I may not have mastered, I'm aware and tune in to her feeling to know when to converse and when to listen. 

Jeez, re-reading this, I'm feeling like a b*tch. I live to make my wife smile. Ive always wanted it to be that way, but obviously that's not working out the way I expected.


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

And everyone, I kinda high jacked this thread, but I'm glad I joined. Getting advise and having someone listen means a whole lot.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Shayneviii said:


> Jeez, re-reading this, I'm feeling like a b*tch. I live to make my wife smile. Ive always wanted it to be that way, but obviously that's not working out the way I expected.


Happy Wife Happy Life garbage ...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I'm a a woman in her late forties...I have girlfriends and we talk about our sex lives... women who like and want frequent, fun sex with their *partners* are not few and far between.


Multiple contemporaneous partners, many sequential monogamous partners, or a single long-term monogamous partner each? It matters!

The Coolidge Effect may apply here if they don't have a single long-term monogamous partner.

Of course, some long-term relationships DO maintain high-frequency, high-quality sex. My current relationship is a good example, even after 16 years. My first marriage saw a rapid decline in my ex's libido, and I eventually left because of that (and other issues).


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Shayneviii said:


> I will say, she does often say I disagree with her just to disagree. I truly don't, we just have a difference in opinion sometimes. I often just agree to avoid her getting frustrated. So, while this is one area I may not have mastered, I'm aware and tune in to her feeling to know when to converse and when to listen.


Work on this. Repeat her words to her before you explain why you disagree. Ask if you have understood her correctly. And then think about how she might be right, at least in some instances.

You should not pretend to agree when you truly do not. That is lying. But showing her you are listening and trying to understand where she is coming from before going into where she is wrong will go far towards preserving the emotional connection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

fetishwife said:


> OMG! You are telling him if he makes it quick for her that is ok?
> 
> Please! That is the worst thing I can imagine.
> 
> If the woman is not into it, then forget it. Total turn off for me.


Where does she say that the woman wouldn't be into it?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

jld said:


> If she is not "into it," look at the quality of your emotional connection.
> 
> Do you seek to understand her? Validate her feelings? Are you nurturing and patient?
> 
> ...


Everyone--including non-members of TAM--, please, please, PLEASE pay very close attention to the above post. 

Gentlemen, when you were first courting your wife, I can almost GUARANTEE that you are (now)not treating your wife the _exact same way_ you treated her in the beginning of your relationship. Some of you even put on an act until the level of sex was up to par. But once that happened, you slacked off.

This is not about how much housework you do, or how much childcare you're involved with or even how much money you make. Although it's great that you're involved with helping out in the house and with the kids, what have you done for _HER_ _*personally*_ lately? 

Read the above post again to find out what I mean about doing something for HER. 

Your wife wasn't the only who 'set the bar' when it came to physical affection. You also set the bar _emotionally_. You say that women are the gatekeepers of sex, but MEN are the gatekeepers of the rest of the relationship, including the emotional aspect. Most of you probably didn't meet your wife and start having sex with her 5 minutes after meeting her (yeah, yeah, I'm sure there are exceptions). You had to get through to her _emotions_ *FIRST*. 

Chances are, you haven't kept up that level of the connection outside of the bedroom. I understand that many of you have said that the emotional connection you get from your wives is through sex. But the emotional connection SHE gets is from EVERYTHING ELSE. You can't expect to _get_ if you're not _giving_. 

You don't want to be with a "cold fish" (physically), and SHE doesn't want to be with an emotional "cold fish", either. 

The sad part about this is that MOST men and women who read this will have _too much ego _to be brutally honest with themselves. Quite often, they become _defensive_ as they spew off about what a "great" spouse they are (do you think their spouse would agree?)


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Great post, Vega. Totally agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

So- if my wife's needs are "security" and me providing for her and my kids and my need is having a sweet/affectionate wife -- how does one stop meeting her needs since mine aren't being met? 

Do I stop paying the mortgage or sell her $35k vehicle? Stop paying my son's college tuition?? 

After exhausting dialogue (per above) and mapping like hell- Do I say, hey my needs aren't being met so I'm not paying the gas bill or buying clothes for the kids? 

I feel like there is no recourse. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jarhed said:


> So- if my wife's needs are "security" and me providing for her and my kids and my need is having a sweet/affectionate wife -- how does one stop meeting her needs since mine aren't being met?
> 
> Do I stop paying the mortgage or sell her $35k vehicle? Stop paying my son's college tuition??
> 
> ...


Don't stop. That would not be helpful.

Do learn about emotional connection. Pursue a deeper one with your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

jld said:


> Work on this. Repeat her words to her before you explain why you disagree. Ask if you have understood her correctly. And then think about how she might be right, at least in some instances.
> 
> You should not pretend to agree when you truly do not. That is lying. But showing her you are listening and trying to understand where she is coming from before going into where she is wrong will go far towards preserving the emotional connection.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




This is really interesting. I wouldn't think something like this would cause an issue, if anything more of a longing for a connection. However, I think sometimes she likes when I just listen. It's never anything major, but when we disagree and I try to explain myself she thinks one of two things. 1. If I repeated what she says then try to understand her thought process, then explain myself and my views, she acts like I'm analyzing and picking her apart. 2. When I listen and just state my opinion she said "well I guess I'm wrong again." 

We do also talk a lot about our future, where we'd like to vacation, relocate, all that jazz. We call it dream building. In that respect we're very involved in each other's life goals. 

Another thing I don't do a lot of is send her out for a professional massage/ getting her nails done and all that. I'm sure she'd love it. We aren't a terribly wealthy family, we have sufficient money to save a little back for investments and retirement. I guess I just don't think it's worth it. I take her out to dinner and events often. "Never stop dating" is one piece of marital advise I found extremely important.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Vega said:


> Chances are, you haven't kept up that level of the connection outside of the bedroom. I understand that many of you have said that the emotional connection you get from your wives is through sex. But the emotional connection SHE gets is from EVERYTHING ELSE. You can't expect to _get_ if you're not _giving_.


All the more reason why BOTH people in a relationship should be making a concerted effort to maintain the relationship. Sorry, but I don't see that here, all I see is a very one sided relationship, with naturally the assumption that the guy is in the wrong ....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> All the more reason why BOTH people in a relationship should be making a concerted effort to maintain the relationship. Sorry, but I don't see that here, all I see is a very one sided relationship, with naturally the assumption that the guy is in the wrong ....


He is here asking for advice. He is the one more motivated to make positive changes in the marriage.

Are you familiar with the research of John Gottmann? In a recent TIME interview, he says it is mostly on the man to make the marriage work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

jarhed said:


> So- if my wife's needs are "security" and me providing for her and my kids and my need is having a sweet/affectionate wife -- how does one stop meeting her needs since mine aren't being met?
> 
> Do I stop paying the mortgage or sell her $35k vehicle? Stop paying my son's college tuition??
> 
> ...


Your wife's need for "security" is demonstrated by doing so much MORE than paying the mortgage or paying for this or paying for that. 

But do you know HOW she needs you to provide her with "security"? 

You're thinking that it ONLY means _financially_. Security is so much more than that.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jld said:


> He is here asking for advice. He is the one more motivated to make positive changes in the marriage.
> 
> Are you familiar with the research of John Gottmann? In a recent TIME interview, he says it is mostly on the man to make the marriage work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not saying that it can't be a case where he stopped doing the things he did when they first met. The issue is Vega's post reads like a public service announcement where it is all placed on the guy to blame. She can ALMOST GUARANTEE (seriously lol) that the the guy isn't doing enough. 

The issues could be a variety of things. It could be hormonal, maybe she doesn't enjoy sex with him, maybe it was the good old bait & switch where she felt she needed to match his drive at the start to keep him interested in the relationship and provide for her two kids, etc... who knows.

Here is something, and I know you won't like it, the OP states that his SO constantly rejects him. How about she act like an adult, put on her big girl pants, and instead of rejecting him try explaining to him why maybe she isn't quite as interested in sex. Instead she is relying on passive aggressive behavior which rarely yields a positive result. Both people in a relationship should have a strong interest/desire to make the other person happy, and that is something they should both work on together. It should not be "You need to do x/y/z for me first and then I can decide whether or not I should reciprocate". It sounds like right now they are both not on the same page, so this is something they should be openly talking about together to figure out a) what are the problems/issues and b) what can we do as a couple to fix this (the whole accountability part of a relationship).

The below from Vega I mostly agree with, and in part b/c it is gender neutral, it doesn't shift the burden/blame on the male or the female:



> The sad part about this is that MOST men and women who read this will have too much ego to be brutally honest with themselves. Quite often, they become defensive as they spew off about what a "great" spouse they are (do you think their spouse would agree?)


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

jld said:


> If she is not "into it," look at the quality of your emotional connection.
> 
> Do you seek to understand her? Validate her feelings? Are you nurturing and patient?
> 
> ...


Yes to all of the above. She's even told me that she's never owned up so much emotionally to a person as she has me


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Hey Buddy, the first thing you might want to do is quit personalizing this and concluding her lack of sexual interest is "Rejection". There are a lot of reasons people have different sexual needs, and there are also a lot of other ways people reject each other. Be careful before you jump to the worst conclusion here.

Second, the issue isn't so much your sexual needs, but the agreement you guys have on how you meet those different needs. It's about care taking in general, not just "Sex". So, if she doesn't want to have intercourse, what about oral? or masturbation, either with her, or alone? If she sees this as an "All or nothing" situation then you have a much more serious problem.

It's really rare that people have the same sexual needs, and that those needs also remain consistent, so at some point, adjustments are made.

Judge the relationship on the whole, not just this one part..even if it is very important to you (as your avatar so loudly proclaims). if she's unable to see her sexual unresponsiveness as indicative of a deeper lack of nurturing, then you're lucky you found out now, before marriage.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> I am not saying that it can't be a case where he stopped doing the things he did when they first met. The issue is Vega's post reads like a public service announcement where it is all placed on the guy to blame. She can ALMOST GUARANTEE (seriously lol) that the the guy isn't doing enough.
> 
> The issues could be a variety of things. It could be hormonal, maybe she doesn't enjoy sex with him, maybe it was the good old bait & switch where she felt she needed to match his drive at the start to keep him interested in the relationship and provide for her two kids, etc... who knows.
> 
> ...


I am sure that would make it easier for him. But she may not know. And it is usually on the person who wants something to make it happen.

I think gender neutrality is of limited value when we are talking about marital issues. It does seem helpful in eliciting empathy, though.

And it is always a bad idea for a woman to be anything other than herself in a relationship. Being open and honest from the beginning is the safest route. She should not try to keep a man with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

As for a quickie, yes its ok if everyone is happy about it. My dear wife does not want to hear about quickies as it makes HER feel Im trying to
get it over with....(NOT!)..just trying to be practical sometimes when time is tight. 

So you are jealous of your wife possibly marrying someone else?

As for my ex, I can only wish she would find someone else like herself and be happy. 

You are suffering from "oneitis" and I understand....but this sexual/emotional closeness problem will eat at you until you can't take it anymore. 23 years for me. 

What happens is that you can't imagine living without your current wife and you can't imagine her with anyone else....BUT once you let yourself fall in love with someone else (after giving this a full shot of course) your feelings WILL change if you are even slightly self-actualized. 

You do have the ability (if you decide) to let her go and love someone else more compatible with yourself. Don't believe it (like I did) that ALL or even MOST women are like your wife sexually. Its not true. Its an excuse to stay in your unhappy situation.

As for the child, on that note so far Im a failure. My daughter blames ME only (total BS) for divorcing my Ex and so far has estranged herself.

That is the ONLY bad thing that happened in my case and its a biggie, so I respect what you say about that....however, I did it wrong.

If done properly I think the children would be ok. Im just being honest though. Im GLAD I divorced, and I do wish my ex full happiness with herself or someone else....

Don't box yourself into a corner is what Im trying to say.....watch the oneitis.





Shayneviii said:


> See, I'm okay with a quickie if she's into it. But I completely agree, if she's not into it forget about it. I can't really imagine myself with anyone else and the thought of her remarrying and another man raising my daughter is not something I'm willing to do. It's not even an option.
> 
> Have any females had any luck regaining drive after going off birth control? I'm going to get a vasectomy and hope that fixes it. If not, no more mister nice guy.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Its implied when she said "as long as its fast."

That sounds like impatience and lack of interest to me, sorry if I misunderstood.




Buddy400 said:


> Where does she say that the woman wouldn't be into it?


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

If you have MAP'ed like hell then you tried.

Of course you don't stop paying for things, that is your responsibility at the moment.

You decide to be happy in your life and you file for divorce.....>





jarhed said:


> So- if my wife's needs are "security" and me providing for her and my kids and my need is having a sweet/affectionate wife -- how does one stop meeting her needs since mine aren't being met?
> 
> Do I stop paying the mortgage or sell her $35k vehicle? Stop paying my son's college tuition??
> 
> ...


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

fetishwife said:


> As for the child, on that note so far Im a failure. My daughter blames ME only (total BS) for divorcing my Ex and so far has estranged herself.
> 
> 
> 
> That is the ONLY bad thing that happened in my case and its a biggie, so I respect what you say about that....however, I did it wrong.



As someone whose parents divorced before I can remember and both parents remarrying a couple times, I'm too familiar with step-parents. I just can't imagine putting my little one through that. Above all, I want to be a good father.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jld said:


> I am sure that would make it easier for him. But she may not know. And it is usually on the person who wants something to make it happen.
> 
> I think gender neutrality is of limited value when we are talking about marital issues. It does seem helpful in eliciting empathy, though.
> 
> ...


The bolded should apply to both male and female, not sure why you would make that gender specific 

The whole point would be if she doesn't know (a convenient excuse), by him talking to her about it, they should be able to figure it out. It shouldn't be something that he has to take stabs in the dark and hopefully he eventually guesses right. IDK, maybe I prefer to give women more credit in a relationship where you view it more from a Father/Daughter type relationship (based on previous threads where this topic has come up).


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> The bolded should apply to both male and female, not sure why you would make that gender specific
> 
> The whole point would be if she doesn't know (a convenient excuse), by him talking to her about it, they should be able to figure it out. It shouldn't be something that he has to take stabs in the dark and hopefully he eventually guesses right. IDK, maybe I prefer to give women more credit in a relationship where you view it more from a Father/Daughter type relationship (based on previous threads where this topic has come up).


She may simply not know. It could be hormonal, for example. Calling it a "convenient excuse" will likely escalate the tension.

You brought up the example of women doing a supposed "bait and switch." That is what I was addressing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jld said:


> She may simply not know. It could be hormonal, for example. Calling it a "convenient excuse" will likely escalate the tension.
> 
> You brought up the example of women doing a supposed "bait and switch." That is what I was addressing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, hormonal was one of my examples, just as bait and switch, just as it could be him, etc... Let's say it is hormonal, she doesn't know why. The point of them talking would be for her to take the next step of seeing a doctor (assuming once again, she doesn't know what the problem is). If she said she doesn't know, but makes no attempt to work with him to figure it out, then yes saying she doesn't know in this example is a convenient excuse.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Yes, hormonal was one of my examples, just as bait and switch, just as it could be him, etc... Let's say it is hormonal, she doesn't know why. The point of them talking would be for her to take the next step of seeing a doctor (assuming once again, she doesn't know what the problem is). If she said she doesn't know, but makes no attempt to work with him to figure it out, then yes saying she doesn't know in this example is a convenient excuse.


I don't think she is likely to take hearing it called a "convenient excuse" very well.

I think just hearing that could bring on extended sexlessness.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jld said:


> I don't think she is likely to take hearing it called a "convenient excuse" very well.
> 
> I think just hearing that could bring on extended sexlessness.


Lol, I never said to say "convenient excuse" jld. It has to do with actions meaning more than words. If she says she doesn't know but makes no attempt to work with him to figure it out, that speaks volumes. That would be something where in my mind (once again, if I was in this position assessing the situation) it would come across as a convenient excuse.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Lol, I never said to say "convenient excuse" jld. It has to do with actions meaning more than words. If she says she doesn't know but makes no attempt to work with him to figure it out, that speaks volumes. That would be something where in my mind (once again, if I was in this position assessing the situation) it would come across as a convenient excuse.


And how you view her is going to be reflected in how you treat her.

I would urge caution with that kind of mindset, Ellis. It is not respectful, and so is unlikely to bring a woman closer.

Of course, YMMV.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jld said:


> And how you view her is going to be reflected in how you treat her.
> 
> I would urge caution with that kind of mindset, Ellis. It is not respectful, and so is unlikely to bring a woman closer.
> 
> Of course, YMMV.


I honestly have no idea what you are talking about 

Urge caution on what, trying to be in a relationship with an equal? What is not respectful, expecting your SO to put work into the relationship, to work as a team to try and figure things out? What I don't see respectful is when someone says one thing in a relationship, but their actions tell an entirely different story (male or female). Heck, I know that is a big issue in another thread going on here on TAM, and rightly so it is a concern for the OP.


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

If I may, my wife says she doesn't know why she doesn't desire sex. She says she just never thinks about it. Thinking it may be hormonal, I suggested taking to a doctor, to which she refused. At that point I call hormonal issues a convenient excuse. If you aren't working toward a solution, your problem is nothing more than excuse. 

Since she isn't fixing the problem I have decided to get a vasectomy so she can quit taking birth control.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Shayneviii said:


> If I may, my wife says she doesn't know why she doesn't desire sex. She says she just never thinks about it. Thinking it may be hormonal, I suggested taking to a doctor, to which she refused. At that point I call hormonal issues a convenient excuse. If you aren't working toward a solution, your problem is nothing more than excuse.
> 
> Since she isn't fixing the problem I have decided to get a vasectomy so she can quit taking birth control.


That's a very one sided relationship, isn't it? She REFUSES see a doctor and explore what's going on, so your response is that's fine... you'll just go and have surgery?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Don't have a vasectomy because you want your wife to get off birth control so maybe she will become more interested in sex. Have a vasectomy because you do not want more kids. Or because you want your wife to get off hormonal birth control because you fear she will have a stroke.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> I honestly have no idea what you are talking about
> 
> Urge caution on what, trying to be in a relationship with an equal? What is not respectful, expecting your SO to put work into the relationship, to work as a team to try and figure things out? What I don't see respectful is when someone says one thing in a relationship, but their actions tell an entirely different story (male or female). Heck, I know that is a big issue in another thread going on here on TAM, and rightly so it is a concern for the OP.


Urge caution on demanding sex, in whatever way you are going about that. I think it is going to be viewed as pushy and selfish, not loving and giving and connecting.

I cannot imagine my own husband doing that. It would kill any desire in me if he were to behave that way.


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

What I'm getting at is hormonal issues can be a convenient excuse. I've been wanting a vasectomy for about a couple years now anyway, so honestly this whole situation has just given me a little extra leverage. 

It's possibly a win/win solution for me. Worse case, I still get at least part of what I wanted.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jld said:


> Urge caution on demanding sex, in whatever way you are going about that. I think it is going to be viewed as pushy and selfish, not loving and giving and connecting.
> 
> I cannot imagine my own husband doing that. It would kill any desire in me if he were to behave that way.


Huh, where did I ever say to demand sex  You really have gone on a tangent from my posts (I am convinced I could have posted about Panda eating habits and you would have still come up with the same responses :grin2: ).

Once again, the OP and his SO seem to be on a different page in terms of sex. Sit down, talk about it, bring all the issues out, both people be honest, and work as a team to address them. One person may have to do more heavy lifting then the other, maybe not. No one should be forcing anyone to do something they don't want to do.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Holdingontoit said:


> Don't have a vasectomy because you want your wife to get off birth control so maybe she will become more interested in sex.


This is called a covert contract. Let's be clear, this has zero chance of working because it doesn't address the real issue. And when it doesn't work, he'll become even more resentful because look what he did and she didn't respond.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Huh, where did I ever say to demand sex  You really have gone on a tangent from my posts (I am convinced I could have posted about Panda eating habits and you would have still come up with the same responses :grin2: ).
> 
> Once again, the OP and his SO seem to be on a different page in terms of sex. Sit down, talk about it, bring all the issues out, both people be honest, and work as a team to address them. One person may have to do more heavy lifting then the other, maybe not. No one should be forcing anyone to do something they don't want to do.


I reread your posts. This is how they sound overall to me: She has an obligation to have sex with him. If she does not want it, she needs to figure out why, and get going on it. Give him sex because "accountability."

Is that accurate?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jld said:


> I reread your posts. This is how they sound overall to me: She has an obligation to have sex with him. If she does not want it, she needs to figure out why, and get going on it. Give him sex because "accountability."
> 
> Is that accurate?


lol, not even close.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Shayneviii said:


> When we talked about it last I was really emotional, but she's quick to find an excuse. Such as Birth Control lowers her drive, she's exhausted (then sits down and scrolls through Pinterest for 2 hours). We've had 4 serious talks about it and she almost acts like it's childish or that I'm a perv. Like in the big scheme of things it's not a big deal. I told her I would love sex every day but I would be happy with every 3 days or so.
> 
> She doesn't like giving BJ's and HJ's. I've suggested it would be easier on her and make a huge difference in my level of happiness. I even came up with this idea where she straddles me facing my feet and gives me a HJ and I'll massage her back... It's never happened. She used to say work was exhausting, so I encouraged her to quit her job and find something she enjoys. Long story short, she went from working 50+ hours a week to working from home a 2-4 hours a day. And I still do 75% of the laundry and dishes. I do most of the cooking even though I'm gone 11 hours out of the day for work. I get our daughter ready for bed, give baths... It's a lot.
> 
> ...


Ive never read No more Mr. Nice guy but heard a lot about it on here. If anything will work for your wife, that might be it. That is BS. She doesn't "like" to give a hand job? How fricken hard is it? Did she "like" standing in line to get into the concert? I doubt it, but she managed to power through all the same.

She is not taking care of you and your marriage. Either you are not meeting her needs as much as you think you are and she's actually unhappy, or, more likely, it sounds like she's a spoiled brat who has no idea that husbands need to be cared for just like wives do. She either does not realize that this is genuinely important to you, or she does not care. She may be depressed too. Especially if she has more free time now but gets less done.

Good luck with No More Mr. Nice guy.

I would also try to bring the subject up one more time when you are NOT emotional. Be prepared. And just make a few calm matter of fact statements:

"I am not happy in a marriage with so little sex."
"I am worried that I am falling out of love with you because I don't feel loved at all when you won't take 5 (or 10?) minutes to spend sexually with me when I have told you it would mean a lot to me."
"I want to make sure you understand that I'm very serious when I say I want sex more often."

ALSO
"I feel very distant from you when you're on FaceBook (or whatever) all the time. What would you think of us carving out x amount of time every day to spend together, no devices?" (Does not have to be sex, you just want to break her social media addiction. It's not right but it is normal to feel irritated when you're on social media and your spouse wants something from you. Even though logically you know your spouse is more important, at that moment they are trying to take your mind candy away from you.)


Don't be whiney or petulant at all. You are a man. You need sex. She is your wife. If she can take time to brush her teeth and comb her hair, and surf the web, she can find the time and energy to give you a hand job and get a back rub.

Sorry. You wife is starting to piss me off! I would also read up on Marriage builders "undivided attention" - see if you can do it "no more mr. nice guy" style. your wife is probably feeling less connected to you because of all the time she is spending on social media. The UA time might help pull her back in.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I really don't think my suggestion calls for such hysterics on your part. In fact, I think it's quite brilliant.

Maybe I am getting my posters mixed up, but I thought he said they had amazing sex when they had sex, just that she didn't want it as *often *as he did.

So if your H wants sex every day, and you only desire it once or twice a week, what on earth is wrong with giving your H a hot, sexy, enthusiastic, fun, hand job or blow job if you are not desiring PIV sex at the moment? Or if you do feel rushed and exhausted? Who doesn't have 5 - 10 minutes a day to spare for their spouse? And then have the marathon love making sessions when you're both in the mood?

I'm not suggesting she do it in a cold, begrudging, resentful, frigid way. Or that she do something she does not WANT to do. But why on earth would she not WANT to do it if she loves her husband and something so simple can make him so happy without being invasive to her? You can do all kinds of things with your hands and mouth, including dirty talk if he likes that, without having to be completely sexually aroused yourself.





fetishwife said:


> OMG! You are telling him if he makes it quick for her that is ok?
> 
> Please! That is the worst thing I can imagine.
> 
> ...


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

WorkingWife said:


> So if your H wants sex every day, and you only desire it once or twice a week, what on earth is wrong with giving your H a hot, sexy, enthusiastic, fun, hand job or blow job if you are not desiring PIV sex at the moment? Or if you do feel rushed and exhausted? Who doesn't have 5 - 10 minutes a day to spare for their spouse? And then have the marathon love making sessions when you're both in the mood?


If *I* wasn't interested in PIV sex at the moment, I'm probably not going to be interested in ANYTHING sexual. 

But if I turned my husband down for PIV sex and then he asked me for a blow job or a hand job, that tells me that he's pretty much interested in getting off. If he wants to get off. He doesn't "need" me to get him off. He can do that himself. 

It's funny. If I was horny and my husband wasn't interested in PIV, I wouldn't DREAM of asking him for oral sex or to bring me to orgasm with his fingers, toys or whatever. I would feel like I was using _him_, especially if I knew he wasn't really interested!


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

...and here once more we have the unbridgeable(?) chasm between those who enjoy pleasing their partner for its own sake and are themselves aroused in and by the process of doing so, and those who apply fundamental attribution error to partners whose drive temporarily or permanently exceeds their own. 

You cannot "use" someone who is lovingly eager to help you of their own free will and who wants to take pleasure in your pleasure. That verb is a frame of sexual victimization and objectification which you insist on applying. Also, as an experience, masturbating in the shower is worlds apart from being "taken care of" by a loving partner with a gleam in her eye. The physical result may be roughly the same, but the message ("I am loved") beats "I'm not in the mood; go talk to the hand" by a country mile.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Phil Anders said:


> ...and here once more we have the unbridgeable(?) chasm between those who enjoy pleasing their partner for its own sake and are themselves aroused in and by the process of doing so, and those who apply fundamental attribution error to partners whose drive temporarily or permanently exceeds their own.
> 
> *You cannot "use" someone who is lovingly eager to help you of their own free will and who wants to take pleasure in your pleasure.* That verb is a frame of sexual victimization and objectification which you insist on applying. _Also, as an experience, masturbating in the shower is worlds apart from being "taken care of" by a loving partner with a gleam in her eye._ The physical result may be roughly the same, but the message ("I am loved") beats "I'm not in the mood; go talk to the hand" by a country mile.


THANK YOU. You put it much better than I could. 

I really do not have a high sex drive, especially now that I'm post menopause and on ADs and sometimes the idea of having my body penetrated is actually very invasive/alarming to me. And the idea of having my partner try to bring me to orgasm when my body just won't go there seems frustrating/disappointing for all...

But I totally get off on getting my husband off. I don't feel USED at all, making him happy DOES make me happy. Why on earth wouldn't it? It's a bonding experience!

And as far as "not feeling like" giving a hand job or blow job, or using a toy on him... There are plenty of things we don't "feel" like doing that we still do. Like exercise. I never "feel" like exercising, but I do it anyhow and afterward I feel great and glad I did it.

In my mind, if spouses have mismatched sex drives, the only reasons the lower drive one would not want to take care of the higher drive one would be:

1. There's a physical problem like they really don't feel good or are super busy/stressed that day. But that would be occasional, not 75% of the time that their spouse initiated.

2. They're quietly very unhappy in the marriage and deep down are a seething ball of resentment who does not WANT to make their spouse happy and/or who cannot stomach the idea of their spouse's hands on their body given the way they feel toward said spouse.

OR - I just thought up this one:

3. They're selfish and don't give a crap about their spouse's happiness.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> THANK YOU. You put it much better than I could.
> 
> I really do not have a high sex drive, especially now that I'm post menopause and on ADs and sometimes the idea of having my body penetrated is actually very invasive/alarming to me. And the idea of having my partner try to bring me to orgasm when my body just won't go there seems frustrating/disappointing for all...
> 
> ...


Agreed on your post, especially bolded (well, not on getting your H off, but you know what I mean lol). I can't imagine being in a relationship where your SO's response when not in the mood (obviously within reason) is to go jerk yourself off 

As far as drive mismatch, unfortunately it seems pushed by some that this is solely the problem of the HD person that they need to deal with ...


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

We have discussed her lack of energy after about 7pm and she went to the doctor for a full blood workup. Nothing was found. The doctor recommended increasing her exercise (which she has zero interest in doing). 



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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

Update on my situation, my wife got back from her weekend concert trip yesterday. I had been texting her a few times trying to set the mood. When she got home everything seemed great. I told her I think I need sex before she leaves on trips because emotionally it was very difficult. Then told her I hoped we could have some romantic time once we got our daughter to bed. I'd had the house cleaned up somewhat, not like I usually do, but considering some of the big tasks I took on she knew I had worked non-stop all weekend. I proceeded to make dinner, played games with my wife and daughter, got my daughter tucked in and ready for bed... I had set out one of my comfy (see through) t shirts for my wife to wear. I'll spare the other details, but I'll say she looked amazing. Then my wife wanted to watch a comedy and she laid beside me (while I was naked) in bed for 2 hours before she fell asleep. 

I went to the living room to cool off for a bit when her mom called and woke her up. She came out to see where I was and asked if something was wrong. I unloaded on her. She said she had no idea I felt like she didn't care about me, she said this came out of left field. She didn't understand the emotional need, though we've talked about it, she only understood the physical need (blue ball relief). She felt as though our relationship was "perfect." So, we're really working on it with a lot more intensity than we did last time. She understands it not about me getting off and being selfish, it's about wanting to make each other happy and I need this to feel happy. 
I'm not a religious person, but I found this link helpful making her understand the psychology of a mans need. 
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/mar...usbands-sexual-needs/sex-is-an-emotional-need
So, things aren't fun at the moment but I think we're moving in the right direction.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Shayneviii said:


> Update on my situation, my wife got back from her weekend concert trip yesterday. I had been texting her a few times trying to set the mood. When she got home everything seemed great. I told her I think I need sex before she leaves on trips because emotionally it was very difficult. Then told her I hoped we could have some romantic time once we got our daughter to bed. I'd had the house cleaned up somewhat, not like I usually do, but considering some of the big tasks I took on she knew I had worked non-stop all weekend. I proceeded to make dinner, played games with my wife and daughter, got my daughter tucked in and ready for bed... I had set out one of my comfy (see through) t shirts for my wife to wear. I'll spare the other details, but I'll say she looked amazing. Then my wife wanted to watch a comedy and she laid beside me (while I was naked) in bed for 2 hours before she fell asleep.
> 
> I went to the living room to cool off for a bit when her mom called and woke her up. She came out to see where I was and asked if something was wrong. I unloaded on her. She said she had no idea I felt like she didn't care about me, she said this came out of left field. She didn't understand the emotional need, though we've talked about it, she only understood the physical need (blue ball relief). She felt as though our relationship was "perfect." So, we're really working on it with a lot more intensity than we did last time. She understands it not about me getting off and being selfish, it's about wanting to make each other happy and I need this to feel happy.
> I'm not a religious person, but I found this link helpful making her understand the psychology of a mans need.
> ...


First, you're not moving in the right direction, you're grasping at straws. Second, this post and how your weekend ended was obvious and everyone reading saw it coming from a mile away. At some point you'll be willing to enforce consequences and stop with the covert contracts. Until then you should stop complaining. And never forget, staying is YOUR CHOICE. In mountaineering we say 'you can agree or disagree, but if you stay tied to the rope....you agree'.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Speaking as someone who has followed your advice....."sit down and talk about it..." for years, I would say that its worth a try. If they are lucky there is something fairly simple that can be solved. 

In my case, it never worked. My Ex would tell me to give her time, accept her as she is (after I did that for a year things got weird and worse in my opinion- my long ex wife (fetish wife) story detailed here years ago.)

Honestly, now that Ive experienced both sides of the sex drive coin, I want to say that either she likes it or not. If she likes it, she will probably come to him eventually (or go elsewhere), or WANT to respond to talking or therapy, if she doesn't like sex that much ( at all or with the OP) then talking is unlikely to make her like sex. She (or he) will make excuses forever, blame this and that, etc. However, if the psychological and physical desire is not there, TALKING may not make her desire closeness with him and probably won't make her desire more actual sexual encounters. 

My ex increased the frequency a lot, but without feeling much desire from her (except when I indulged her in just the right way) it just didn't work. 

I think some guys would have been fine with my ex, she would do it a few times a week and did increase from 1 to 1.5 (on average) times a week with no O's. To 2-3 times a week with an occasional O. Of course there are normally many other issues as there were in my case, but bottom line was that after 23 years, I wanted a wife who LIKED sex. My ex would tell me I would not find anyone who wanted it more, she thought all women (her friends) didn't care about sex etc. Talking revealed this quote, "sex is not an important part of my life.." Pretty much at that point I got a clue. LOL. Some guys are dense. But in all seriousness, change is SO SO difficult. But eventually it was change or die for me.


So...talk for a while, but there needs to be some sort of deadline to this. 
Reasonable to give the process 6 months, with a great therapist is they can afford it. The therapy needs to be focused on SEX issues (and general loving relationship support and education), it should not degenerate into therapy for HER. That may be appropriate but it becomes very frustrating to the partner looking for results.

The therapists will sometimes drag this on forever and go off to other psychological topics to do their best to help. However, it may not achieve the goal of more intimacy and more sexuality.

To the OP, I really feel for you. The REAL solution to these issues is to find another person who is compatible. Yes I realize that people change, etc, but if the OP partner never started out as a "horn dog" for him, its not likely that she will suddenly be talked into it by him expressing his needs. 

Another person telling you that they need more sex and wish you would want them more...I don't think that is very effective, especially for a woman. My impression is that women need to feel internal sexual desire. Either they do or they don't. 

Yes, this sexual desire can surely be killed by relationship problems, hormones (stay away away from that awful DepoProvera crud, stage of life, breastfeeding, antidepressants, lack of warmth from the man, money issues, illness etc.





EllisRedding said:


> Huh, where did I ever say to demand sex  You really have gone on a tangent from my posts (I am convinced I could have posted about Panda eating habits and you would have still come up with the same responses :grin2: ).
> 
> Once again, the OP and his SO seem to be on a different page in terms of sex. Sit down, talk about it, bring all the issues out, both people be honest, and work as a team to address them. One person may have to do more heavy lifting then the other, maybe not. No one should be forcing anyone to do something they don't want to do.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

You can do it right unlike myself.

Research and discuss with a child therapist all the ways you can minimize the impact....with your current wife or not...BE A GOOD FATHER THEN!

I messed up in my approach totally...and my daughter is a very unusual child (13 at the time) and a tough nut to crack.

If you remain a good father and plan this properly I think the impact on the child can be minimized. 

If you are miserable how can you be a good father?

The other off the wall option is to discuss an open marriage with your current wife and go for an alternative lifestyle choice.






Shayneviii said:


> As someone whose parents divorced before I can remember and both parents remarrying a couple times, I'm too familiar with step-parents. I just can't imagine putting my little one through that. Above all, I want to be a good father.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

fetishwife said:


> Speaking as someone who has followed your advice....."sit down and talk about it..." for years, I would say that its worth a try. If they are lucky there is something fairly simple that can be solved.


Agreed, I happened to be fortunate that talking things out with my W did help significantly.


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## Shayneviii (Jun 19, 2016)

Please don't think I'm writing off any advise. I realize I'm young-ish and therefore probably a little naive. This is the 5th talk we've had, the difference this time and the reason I think it worked is because I didn't approach it as "I need more sex and we need to fix your drive." I approached it as "I feel like you don't care if I'm happy or not." Then I went on to explain this is not just a physical need. I need sex more often, more intimate, more exciting to feel connected and loved. Obviously, I vented quite a bit more to the point she actually thought I wanted a divorce. After she slept on it, she finally took the initiative to do some research on why men need sex and found things I feel but couldn't put into words. She now realizes it's a physical and emotional need. I'm not just a complete selfish horn dog who doesn't care about her drive. I just want a better relationship. And because she wants to make me happy, she will perform sexual acts happily. 

So, last night she said she understood, she doesn't want to lose me and she wants me to be happy, confident and feel loved.... She then did my favorite thing in bed, which doesn't happen very often and something she knows I've wanted to try, but she was never for or against it and didn't want to put the effort in. Needless to say, it was a good night. Fingers crossed it stays that way.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Now you need to make sure you truly understand her needs and deliver the same level of service.

Mutually building gratitude is the key.

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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

I'm experiencing a lot of what I'm reading in here, especially the frustration and resentment. 

I feel like I now have windows that sex can happen in except I don't know when they are, only when they aren't. For instance a week night is no go. If a make an attempt I get waved off because having sex will make her wide awake and not be able to get to sleep for quite a while. 

A week night morning is no go because she needs to get dressed for work. 

I feel like there are so many rules and regulations that my sex is being regulated by a govt agency. I hate that she holds all the cards because she gets to say yay or ney.

If I cut her off then I'm cutting myself off as well. Feels like a lose lose. 

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## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> It sounds like you just need to compromise and be ok with having sex twice a week. The other options you seem to have already exhausted. You can leave her and find someone else but you don't know the problem won't repeat itself.
> It's difficult because the person with the lower drive determines the quantity of sex. I guess that's just the way it is even if it's unfair. You can't force her, and she doesn't seem to be open to discussing it.
> I would say initiate twice a week, and masterbate as needed, and continue to be a good loving husband. Stop focusing on it so much Bc it will drive you crazy. This isn't a problem that needs to be solved. If having great sex twice a week is your only problem... Let it go and focus on the positive in your marriage.


****, I would kill for twice a week on a regular basis


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## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> THANK YOU. You put it much better than I could.
> 
> I really do not have a high sex drive, especially now that I'm post menopause and on ADs and sometimes the idea of having my body penetrated is actually very invasive/alarming to me. And the idea of having my partner try to bring me to orgasm when my body just won't go there seems frustrating/disappointing for all...
> 
> But I totally get off on getting my husband off. I don't feel USED at all, making him happy DOES make me happy. Why on earth wouldn't it? It's a bonding experience!


Oh how I wish my wife felt this way about it. Very healthy attitude. I have tried to use the analogy of me giving her oral, which does nothing for me in terms of direct stimulation, but I love because I know that she enjoys it. I am not sure why that is a difficult concept to grasp.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Vega said:


> Everyone--including non-members of TAM--, please, please, PLEASE pay very close attention to the above post.
> 
> Gentlemen, when you were first courting your wife, I can almost GUARANTEE that you are (now)not treating your wife the _exact same way_ you treated her in the beginning of your relationship. Some of you even put on an act until the level of sex was up to par. But once that happened, you slacked off.
> 
> ...


I have a very hard time believing this line of reasoning. The OP sounds like a reasonably logical man; well informed; able to ask for/take suggestions; highly motivated; willing to do whatever it takes, especially things that might lead to restoring his sexual satisfaction in the marriage. On what basis can you GUARANTEE that he has "slacked off" ?

Even *if* his earlier treatment of her was (as you said) just "putting on an act until the level of sex was up to par" then it sounds to me like he is ready/willing/able to keep that act up, even doubling or tripling his efforts. Why are you so sure he's become an "emotional cold fish" ? It sounds to me like he's smart enough to know that cold fish are not sexually attractive.


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