# How upset should I be, if at all?



## cdm (Jun 3, 2011)

My wife were together from 2001 until we seperated in 2009. After about a two year seperation, we began talking and realized we were still in love with each other about 3 months ago and decided to give our family another try. Things have been absolutely great. It seems as if we both changed for the better, her by becoming more indipendent, myself by valuing and cherishing the concept of family much more than ever before. So, last Saturday night the wife and I were sitting out by the water behind the house having some drinks after a night out withthe kids, and we began talking about how great it has been this second time around. During the conversation, I made a statement along the lines of, "I just want to be the best man you could ever dream of having, the best father ever, and the best LOVER you've ever had". Well, unfortunately for me, I have a pretty keen eye, and noticed that while she was nodding in approval during those first two statements, there was a pause and hesitation after the third statement. No nodding, nothing. She then quickly looked away, focusing back out on the water, I assume hoping the subject would be dropped. I sat there rather concerned about what I had witnessed, and thought for a while about how to approach it, or if to approach it at all. We sat in silence for another 5 minutes or so (It SEEMED like an hour), and I told her I was gonna go up to the house and make another drink. While inside, I decided that I must have caught her off gaurd, and I certainly wasn't wanting to cause a major argument this early in our new and wonderful relationship, so I figured that, like ANY woman, she'd likely want to have the chance to rectify that mistake, and say the right thing. I figure its pretty much a universally understood fact among men and women alike, that there are certain things you simply don't tell your spouse. A man, for instance, knows the widely recognized and accepted ONLY answer to the question, "Honey, am I still sexy as I used to be?", is a resounding "ABSOLUTEY!!". Even though, lets be honest, no woman at age 45 is as sexy, purely on a PHYSICAL level, as she was at 25. However, because we love her so much, that love over shadows the fact that she may have put on a few pounds over the years or whatever the case may be. We simply don't say all that, we just say YES, you are... So, with that in mind, I went back outside and asked her if I could ask a question, to which she said yes. So I said, "Did you hesitate when I said I wanted to be the best lover you've ever had?"... Rather than to say "No honey, I'm sorry if it looked that way", she instead tried to avoid the question as if it would just go away. Then once more, after we were in bed, she actually said to me, "Honey, whats wrong with you? You're acting like you're upset about something".. I couldn't believe my ears, and for a split second I even thought that we could still make this situation go away, so I said, "Seriously? If you don't know whats wrong, then did I simply read you wrong earlier about me being the best lover you've had?"... Well, to my amazement (And at the expense of my heart, which felt like it was ina vice), she simply said (Rather coldly, it seemed), "Well I'm sorry honey, but you don't see me askingyou that kind of stuff"... WOW... The next morning was much of the same, I felt like a zombie, I didn't sleep much that night, and moved my pillow and blanket into the living room to enjoy some cuddling with my little son. Well, within about 10 minutes of us being awake, she actually asked again, "Honey, is everything Ok? You look upset".. Ok, so now I'm thinking, one more chance to rectify this situation... How lucky could I be if she says she was so drunk that she doesn't even remember it happening (I don't even care if she's lying at this point either), and she can then apoligize and tell me that she must have been drunk because of course I'm her best lover... No such luck... I ask her, "So do you NOT remember what happened last night honey?"... And she said, "Yeah, but I guess I don't understand why you're so upset about it, its not that big a deal"... Well, since then I've been trying to find a way to tell her exactly why it hurts so much, but I'm afraid of a couple of things. One, I don't wantto lose my family all over again, especially now, having found this new appreciation of having them every day in my life. Two, I'm actually afraid that anything she might say at this piont could break my heart even more, and believe me, I'm in enough pain already, I can't take much more. I want to get this worked out, but I wonder if theres a way in which I will feel comfortable about our sex life ever again. Please tell me if I am being ridiculous. Also, please don't make fun of me about this, it has caused me enough pain over the last 5 or so days.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ok here is my take on this. I think people should not ask questions that they don't want the brutal truth on. Even if that person is nice enough to lie you never know that they won't see through it. It's all in the body language. 

For example I'm 45 and it's a trap that my husband can't win if I asked him if I'm as attractive to him now as I was when I was 25. Or what if I ask him if these pants make my butt look fat. Again no way for him to win. So I am smart enough to NOT ask those baiting type questions.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

You know what? I think this is one of those times you should ask her to lie to you. Since you are unable to mentally and emotionally deal with the truth (and the truth is not what you wanted given your anecdote of rhetorical and untrue responses to questions that fish for lies for flattery's sake), then just ask her to lie to you because you simply need to hear it. You could say it in jest to bring levity to the sensitive nature of the situation and to lighten your mental burden little. Then, please put the subject to rest.

If it helps at all, I was never with the love of my life, who happened to be the best lover I ever had. I simply never chose him to be with, mainly because I had a mental block based on the type of man he was. I had no faith that I could trust my life and my love to him because my heart was too valuable to me. What that means is my husband is not the best lover I ever had, but I love him dearly.


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

I am not making fun of you but from what I read I think you are going a bit overboard.

She hesitated and you have drawn all sorts of conclusions since then. You are not a mind reader.

You say things are going well, be happy for that! Has she said sex is an issue? If not, then it isn't for her. 

You want to be the "best" - go for it! I think its great you are even thinking along these lines, I doubt she will complain at your effort! In your situation, there may be some call for just acting on your intent instead of verbalizing it. 

You're together now, you have every opportunity to be the best lover. Have fun.

Geez, perhaps she's smarter than all of us...by not being clear, you will have doubts and therefore up your efforts?! 

Now I am making fun but in the nicest way.

Good luck, Leah


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What they said. Don't ask a question if you can't handle the answer. And there's no risk of you losing what you now have unless you can't let go of this.

She knew that you weren't the best lover she's ever had when you came back together, and she apparently was fine with it. After all, you're still together, right? So even if you're not the best lover, you likely have other things that more than make up for that. After all, someone could be a skilled lover and a lousy human being.

Second, now that you know, what are you going to do about it? Pout, and let it destroy the relationship you want? Roll over and accept it? Or start taking steps to fix it? Educate yourself. Pay attention to her responses. Initiate open and honest dialogs with her about what she enjoys and dislikes sexually. You are the man sleeping in her bed, so you have an incredible opportunity to BECOME the best lover she's ever had. Use it!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdm (Jun 3, 2011)

Ok, in response to the last reply... That was my next question... We kind of put it to rest a bit (In her eyes we put it to rest completely, because I'm good at acting like it doesnt bother me anymore)... But I have to say, Ive been doing a lot of reading the last two days, and I keep reading over and over one common answer no matter what website I look at, or what forum I post this on. That is to "talk to her" and find out what I can do that will make me a better lover for her... I'm concerned about two things.. One, if she thinks its put to rest, then bringing it back up (Even by simply asking her what I can do to be a better lover for her) might anger her, making her think I'm incapable of letting go... Two, what if its something I CANT change, like my size or something?? That'll just make the situation worse... I'm torn...


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

Oh my. You beat the horse dead and now you want to revive it and start beating on franken-horse.

Stop. Please. 

Its one thing to inquire about her likes/dislikes in a romantic way......but right now at least in your writing you are coming across as rather insecure. From what you have posted you are making an issue out of supposition.

One thing I can tell you is sex is in a woman's head....rushing at her for reassurance is not particularly sexy. 

Read some books! The internet is overflowing with tips, the folks on this site post all sorts of great stuff.

Go at this with a sense of fun and adventure, don't turn a non or mild issue into a real one.


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## Reuben (May 24, 2011)

I would treat the two years of separation just like I would treat what happened in your lives before you met the first time. Don't mention it. Don't bring it up. It's in the past. Let it die!

As far as being the best husband you can be...just listen to her. She will drop little hints and tell you what she needs. 

Only one thing a man and a woman needs in a marriage. A man needs to feel he is important and the woman needs to feel she is secure. If you can make her feel secure and she loves you, then she will show you love and affection and make you feel important. If these two needs are met you can work out the rest of the needs when they arise. 

Marriage is not a 50/50 deal. It is 100%/100%


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I would have been just as hurt if I was in your situation. It certainly would have sounded nice for your ego if she had said you were her best lover, but try thinking of it this way...the fact that she isn't willing to lie about it to save your ego likely means that she is returning to the relationship being truthful and honest which is worth much more. 

Also keep reminding yourself that she could have continued the separation and gone with anyone she wanted, but she's come back to you and is sleeping in your bed at night not the bed of the best lover she's ever had. Obviously you've got other things you bring to the table that are much more important to her. The fact that she's not willing to lie to you means you can trust her return is sincere.

Drop the matter.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You can still become the best lover she ever had.

When you were saying you want to be the best.... Is that something you are striving toward or do you think you've earned them already?

If you are striving toward them as your toast seemed to indicate, then keep striving. You make sure you become the best lover she ever had. This was a test to see if you fall apart, which you did.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Dude... let it go man. If she's 45, it means that she didn't start messing with you till she was like what? - early 30's. There can be someone PRIOR to you, that used to kill it, so she is just keeping it real. I met my wife at 21, and can only hope i was her best lover, but you never know, and i will never ask, because all i know, there can be some dude she just had a 1 night stand with that made her scream to the sky above with his **** game. So i don't ask questions that i don't want to hear the answers of. 

I'll just assume i am her best lover now that she is in her mid 30's and has got to know her body better.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

My wife was not the best, she's near the top of the list, like #3 or 4 but the best was the affair. But there is no way in hell I'm gonna tell her that. And she's been with other guys before me also, so I'm not gonna ask her if they were better than me either.

BTW, asking her how you can be a better lover is the worse idea you can do. Sometimes it's not the wave of the motion but the actual size that does matter and YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT.

Leave it alone, and just enjoy your 2nd chance with your wife. If the sex is still good (in your eyes) then you should not poke the sleeping bear.


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## cdm (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks everybody... Didn't get a chance to read all the responses until now... I do believe now that I will just leave it alone and move on... I mean, really, who cares... I've never doubted for even a second that I satisfy her plenty, so why should this change anything... And furthermore, as mentioned earlier, I can always do a little "extra" and strive to blow her mind again, like I did when we first started dating... I guess some of it was me just kicking myself... Someone commented that she's 45... Not the case... I was simply using that as an example... She's 29... I'm 36.... She was 19 when we met, I was 25... She had only been with 2 other guys and there is NO DOUBT in my mind that I was the best she'd ever had... I guess I was kicking myself for letting her get away long enough to find out that I'm not the best thing since sliced bread lol.... But you know what I was thinking about today?? Since we've been back together, there's been TWO younger (25 or 26 yrs old), in shape, nice looking guys that have come over to the house asking for my wife (Obviously they didn't know she was back with her husband so no harm no foul)... And then AT LEAST another 2 to 3 phone calls from guys that I heard her tell that she was back with her husband and could no longer hang out with them... So it got me to thinking, its not like she was just lonely and didnt have other options... Two of those options were quite a bit younger and in better shape than my old butt... And yet she still wanted me to come back home after two plus yrs... And I should be greatful to have a woman that loves me so much that after over two yrs apart, I still took precedence over every other man she had anything going on with... She dropped them all in a new york minute... And thats something to be extremely happy about... Thanks everyone for the honest responses...


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## Kaleb1 (Oct 11, 2011)

Hello , I know Im replying quite late in the game but I was just wondering how things have going for you. I dont want to stir the pot and by your last staement it seems you have come to an understanding about the matter but I really have to say that Im not really sure you have been treated fairly.What I mean is I think you have been treated harshly on this subject. People are saying "if you cant take the answer dont ask the question" I find that brave people ask tough questions even if they dont like the answers they get. Also what about you and your feelings. You said you were in "pain" because of this. you were scared to ask your wife why this other lover was better. When you brought this up to her I think she acted coldly and rude to you even if the answers were honest.She could not be a little responsive to your feelngs? Why are people acting like you should be happy about feeling second best and you do or at least did feel that way. You were hurt by her actions yet she could not even stand to talk about it with you. I think you have been trying hard to get back your old life and I commend you on that but does she think so lowly of you to not even handle your questions with a little more tact? 
Look I dont want to come off as rude or insensitive myself Im sure your wife is a great person..I mean you married her didnt you? But for your concerns to be reduced to people saying " just deal with it" is silly. So what if your insecure who isnt?
Now people are suggestion you read up on becoming a better lover. well who knows maybe we can all stand for a brush up. But maybe this problem isnt just yours. Shes not dumb her comments or lack there of were meant to hurt you. If someones wife asked him " honey am I your best lover" Do you look away and avoid the question? No. You dont have to lie but what about. "You have always been a wonderful lover" or " you have always satisfied me" Or something to that extent.
Maybe some people can live and function in a state of ignorance or denial but other cannot. Talk to her. Let her know you want to be the best not because your worried about some other guys penis size but because your care about her so.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

cdm - take it from me...it doesn't matter how many lovers or how good they were. She is with YOU now! And the only lovers I REALLY remember who stand out above them ALL are the SH*T ones...lol...so don't read so much into this! My H is the best I've had right now, because we're in love and it feels to great to be together sexually. To me, no one else can equate.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My biggest concern for you reading this is that you may have simply swept all your issues under the rug instead of dealing with them.. Obviously in the two years apart she was with other lovers, and you are still trying to rectify that in your mind, you are trying to deal with the initial rejection that still hasn't healed, as well as the shame you may still be having about your W being with other lovers, especially while still technically married in the eyes of the law. For me I know I wouldn't be able to cope very well with those thoughts looming in my mind, but I can tell you have a different personality than I. Anyways, you have the opportunity to be a great lover, and one that can take the place in her head of whatever other guy was around... sure you may lack in certain features compared to some OM, but as everyone you make up for it in other areas - a strong man plays to his strengths. You have this wonderful woman in your life who you are attracted to and have chosen to love and cherish, so just love and cherish her and enjoy each other!


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