# Do People Need Affection?



## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

This came out of a conversation with my other half last night.
A quick outline of the conversation would help. She was upset because of (yet another) argument, and it was getting late. She had to be up for work early in the morning, so I was trying to calm things down and let her get some sleep.

Me:
"Come on, let's forget about it. You should get some sleep. Need a hug?"

"No, do you need a hug?"

"Er, not necessarily, I was just asking if you needed one. Never mind."

"Where did you learn that stuff?"

"Well, I guess from my parents, and people I've interacted with since then. People sometimes need hugs and affection."

"It doesn't achieve anything. It doesn't pay the mortgage, put food on the table."

"No, but I think it's just human nature. It's built into us. What do babies do when they are upset or hurt? They put their arms out for the parent. They are consoled by the closeness of their parent. Not all needs are physical."

"They put their arms out because they don't want to walk any more."

"What do you think babies/children need then?"

"They need food, warmth, happiness, a place to sleep."

"OK, three physical things and one emotional. What makes them happy?"

"Food, warmth and a place to sleep."

"Oh, so even the emotional one is based on physical needs then. They don't need anything emotional?"

"They grow up, they pay the mortgage, they contribute to society. What's the difference between them and the people that have had all your 'lovey dovey' stuff? They don't miss what they haven't had. Why do they have to be like you? Your way? It's just different."

Anyway this went round in the usual circles until I just let it drop. I did try to explain that children - and therefore, to a lesser extent, adults, need more than just their physical needs met, but it was a pointless exercise (see my post on "The Art of Avoiding the Point").

Anyway, my point is that she's trying to tell me that it's simply that there are different people - almost like a fifty-fifty split - that some need warmth, emotional support and affection, and others don't. There's nothing wrong with either way.

Now, I'm not originally from the US. I don't know if that would make any difference (she tries to tell me it does), but my core beliefs in what constitutes human nature are being shaken here.

Is warmth, emotional support, affection, etc.. just so much unnecessary "gumph", or is it a core need of humans?


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

depends on who is giving the affection, as most people I do not want to hug me...... 
if I love someone, then I'm ok with affection, otherwise I don't want them hugging me.


----------



## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

I think it is something that we are giving as babies & that is what becomes natural. Some people don't have that ability to give or receive affection. I know some people who didn't have that growing up so it is not natural for them. I love to give & receive affection but that is how I grew up.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

We don't need affection like babies as we have mature reflexes and are not totally dependent on someone to provide for all our needs.


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I think all humans need touch (hugs, etc) for their wellbeing. There are loads of articles about it (here's one, for example: The healing power of touch: the simple act of touching frequently reduces everyday anxiety and tension | American Fitness | Find Articles at BNET) and lots of studies showing that premature babies thrive the more they are touched. 

I'm guessing your gf did not grow up with a loving, touchy-feely family.


----------



## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

preso said:


> We don't need affection like babies as we have mature reflexes and are not totally dependent on someone to provide for all our needs.


Preso. With respect, that sounds like one of my other half's answers.
I'm not asking whether we need affection just like babies, or whether we need to have someone provide all our needs. That's the extreme position.
I'm simply asking whether we, as humans, have emotional needs such as warmth, affection, closeness, etc... as well as physical ones.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

There is a difference between needs and wants.

If I don't get affection, I will survive. I will continue to live.

I WANT affection though because it makes me happy. It makes me feel good. It is not a need to live, but for many people, it is a need it terms of a relationship. If you need affection to make you happy, and your partner does not provide that, then you are not happy, and the relationship will suffer.


----------



## Petmom (Jul 18, 2009)

I agree, you don't necessarily need affection or love, but want it. 
Me and husband haven't been intimate since February. He is very relunctant to give hugs or kiss anymore, he said they're not necessary in a marriage. I totally disagree-a hug, cuddle or kiss makes a world of difference to me and unless I instigate any of it, it just doesn't happen.


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

an article published by the new york academy of sciences last year told of an archeological dig whcih unearthed art artifacts, beading and primitive jewelry.

these artifacts were fashioned at a time when humans spent every moment of their day working towards survival.

and the article posited that because art was constructed there must be a visceral need for art in order to survive.

but not everybody 'gets' art or appreciates it or sadly wants art in their life yet they are surrounded by art.

every building, car, pants, dress, shoes, table, chair, fork, glass, was designed at one time by an artist or artisan.

so your fiance is surrounded by your affection and yet doesn't understand her need for it.

as an aside and speaking of forks, i've always felt that women like spooning while men liked forking.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

Petmom said:


> I agree, you don't necessarily need affection or love, but want it.
> .


:iagree:... and we want it from whom we want it from, just anyone won't do.


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Harry Harlow and the Nature of Love - Classic Studies in Psychology

Children need hugs


People need affection. Sure, the lack of it is not something we may DIE from, but the lack of it kills a very important part of us.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

preso said:


> :iagree:... and we want it from whom we want it from, just anyone won't do.


Agree. And to add to that. Some people need it in different ways as well.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Saxonman, Petmom -- I couldn't be a relationship as cold as you're describing. I'm not overly touchy-feely, but I do like to hug, cuddle, snuggle, stroke my SO's skin when possible. 

I agree there's no _need_, but there is a strong desire, especially from a loved one.


----------



## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

GPR said:


> ... and we want it from whom we want it from, just anyone won't do.
> 
> Agree. And to add to that. Some people need it in different ways as well.


:iagree: with GPR and Preso with their statements. My H is like pet mom's H up to a point, he does not believe in holding you, hugging or kissing just because. He used to never tell "I love YOU" because it was not necessary to say the words as long as you can prove it with actions. Things have change. He now understand that a person *wants and sometimes needs* to hear nice things, get a hug, hold hands, etc. He does not agree with it but understands it. he grew up with good, down to earth parents, but not very affectionate ones.

I believe that depends on the persoanlity of the person as well as the way that you were raised that sheps you to Need or Want Affection.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

RC: "as an aside and speaking of forks, i've always felt that women like spooning while men liked forking." What HAVE you been smoking lately?:lol:

Well...as I have a master's in the social sciences field....
Ahem:

Babies die without social touch, or at least become living sacks of non-emotion, psychopaths, or sociopaths. There is a basic need for social contact, to include "touchy-feelie".

Go to ANY nursing home. Ask the residents if "touchy-feelie" helps them feel better. They will REACH out for your hand touch, just to touch a hand or to be touched on the face with your hand.

Yes, I would vote we must have "touchy-feelie". Some probably need it more than others. Others may not LIKE it due to some social crisis in the past.

Social touching and hugging could be said to be part of "acceptance" socially. Humans do need social acceptance to some degree.


----------



## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> Harry Harlow and the Nature of Love - Classic Studies in Psychology
> 
> Children need hugs
> 
> ...


Very interesting articles MommyBean - particularly the first one. Thank you.
I'd love to show them to my Fiancée, but I already know exactly what her response would be: "I'm not a monkey." I'll keep it to myself.


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Get a book on serial killers then, that delves into what many of their lives were like as children. I guess she would say she is not a serial killer either...LOL...


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Surely she drowns a bowl of corn flakes now and then...wouldn't that make her a cereal killer?


----------



## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Leahdorus said:


> I think all humans need touch (hugs, etc) for their wellbeing. There are loads of articles about it (here's one, for example: The healing power of touch: the simple act of touching frequently reduces everyday anxiety and tension | American Fitness | Find Articles at BNET) and lots of studies showing that premature babies thrive the more they are touched.
> 
> I'm guessing your gf did not grow up with a loving, touchy-feely family.


Another great article. Thank you. 
No, from all accounts, she didn't grow up in a touchy-feely family. She did, cryptically, mention to me once that the only time hands/arms were coming toward her, she had to push them away.

The strange this is that, with me, she is really quite "touchy-feely". She almost always cuddles up with me on the couch, will reach out and hold my hand when I'm driving. At the end of the day, she'll cuddle up to me in bed and often say something like: "Ah, this is the best part of the day." I actually have absolutely no complaints in the "touchy-feely" department. 
Her standard greeting to friends, or even people she's just met, is a quick hug.

However, if asked about it, she will go to great pains to tell me that she's doing it for my benefit. She will never admit that she's getting something from it. I once asked her about her hugging friends/acquaintances. She said something to the effect that it's a control thing. If she's initiating the hugging, she's in control of it.

It's a complicated one. My gut feeling is that she actually likes physical touch (and I'm not referring to sexual), quite a lot. I think she somehow thinks it would show vulnerability to admit it.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

dcrim said:


> Surely she drowns a bowl of corn flakes now and then...wouldn't that make her a cereal killer?


:iagree::rofl:

Yeah, but I bet she started out a bit flakey before she went full bore cereal killer....


----------



## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

Most normal people need affection.. hugs, kisses, a simple touch. Especially if it is your spouse... that someone would not know why you would want to give them a hug when they were down.. shows they have no emotional attachment to anyone and are very materialistic people. I lost everything when my husband and I separated but all of that does not matter as long as I have people who show me affection and love... Good luck with this one...!


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

*as an aside and speaking of forks, i've always felt that women like spooning while men liked forking. *

I prefer to knife...

whatever the hell that means. 

:scratchhead:


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Petmom said:


> I agree, you don't necessarily need affection or love, but want it.
> Me and husband haven't been intimate since February. He is very relunctant to give hugs or kiss anymore, he said they're not necessary in a marriage. I totally disagree-a hug, cuddle or kiss makes a world of difference to me and unless I instigate any of it, it just doesn't happen.


wow, that sound familiar. Is he still affectionate and loving with the kids and pets? Mine is. I'm the only one left out of the affection loop. sux.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Rhea said:


> *as an aside and speaking of forks, i've always felt that women like spooning while men liked forking. *


you know, i think recent is right. but if you do it correctly, you can do both at the same time 

fork and spoon is a meal? 

and lets add rhea's knife for spice!

Right now DH is playing and laughing and rolling around with the baby on the bed, they are laughing and having soo much fun

when he's done, it will be my turn to play with the baby. 

In this house, I stand in line for the kids affection  

it's both happy and sad to see them playing so well together.


----------



## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

I think the need for affection is arguably vital. It depends on your need for it or your tolerance to be without it. Lack of affection > depression > health problems > death ... extreme but possible. 

Perhaps in most people, affection isn't required to survive. But I see it the same as a lot of very important aspects of being human - like recent cloud's art example - that make being alive more than just survival.


----------

