# Anyone else do cruel things to their WS?



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Anyone else here do petty cruel things to our WS’s?
Just writing this out because I do have some guilt for being vindictive. My wife had a PA and is continuing a EA. I’ve known for 9 months now. She continues to lie about the past, but is also seemingly committed to keeping her marriage to me. Things are still in limbo and probably headed to divorce, but I’ve been doing some cruel things and taking advantage of her state while she continues to mend while at home, and have this EA while at work.

No, I’m not doing anything as petty as having a PA myself. 
Example; She struggles keeping the weight off. Since she used the gym as a cover to also visit her PA partner, I’ve refused to let her go work out due to my “trust issues” with her. She’s stressed, and she’s an eater when stressed. I do the grocery shopping. So, I’ve been loading the house up with Ding Dongs, chocolate, chips, oreo’s, etc. She’s put on a lot of weight. So I’m slowly decaying her physical beauty so other’s won’t find her attractive and she won’t like who she sees in the mirror. I’m sick, I know....

On the emotional front, I’m a stronger person. I’m not the guy who she lost respect for and hated enough to cheat on. I’ve spent months working on me, both physically and mentally. Thing is, part of my motivation is the knowledge on how much more it’s going to hurt her to lose me to divorce when I’ve transformed back again into the man she loves. 

Am I a sick person for doing these things to her?


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't know if you are sick honey, but I think you are still pretty hurt by everything that happened. Do you think you will ever be able to forgive her for what she has done?? I am not gonna tell you that you have to, but I think you NEED to. I don't say this lightly. my H had an EA that went to a PA also, and I know it is this horribly painful part of your life and you feel every emotion known to man kind. But you need to forgive her for you. Because you don't deserve to be miserable for her mistakes. Even if you divorce, work on forgiving her so you can get rid of the baggage that hating her comes with. 

I haven't currently done anything to the H other than insist he hand over all passwords, not have any women in his truck EVER, make his cell phone accessible to me and that he seek counseling. I don't think any of that is cruel, but maybe it is to him?


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Racer said:


> Am I a sick person for doing these things to her?


You are in a dark place my friend.

And good lord you wonder why she continues her EA.


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

You are also slowly decaying her health (mental and physical). It would be one thing to say no to the gym...she could go for walks, etc....but to purposefully by foods like that knowing what will happen is vindictive - if you hate her that much divorce her. She has no reason to cut off the EA as he is her only emotional support at the moment....and an emotional connection is more important to woman. You are driving her away instead of actually trying to work on the marriage.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It never occurred to me to do cruel things or get revenge. The big difference is that my h's fling ended very early on and he was very open and wanted to regain my trust. 

In the end I did not want to remain married if he was not happy and wanted to pursue other women so we would have parted ways if that were the case. 

I could not sit back for 9 months knowing my spouse was having an EA without bringing it to the table & figuring out where I needed to go from there.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

okay get a grip, let the anger go, for you, you feel bad about this or you wouldn't have posted. You can't control her, she can only make the decisions for herself and it probably won't matter what you do..
Let go, let her work out and let her make her own decisions for how things will turn out. You are doing great working on yourself but you should only being doing that for you and making yourself the best you, you can be. Don't lower yourself to doing hurtful things like she did....You are a better person than that.....the pain of my situation has also turned me into someone I don't recognize at times, do I like it......no!!!......day by day.....act with dignity and respect at all times and in the end you will be able to hold your head up and sleep at night.......
good luck


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

swedish said:


> I could not sit back for 9 months knowing my spouse was having an EA without bringing it to the table & figuring out where I needed to go from there.


It isn't like I've been sitting around knowing she's doing this. She's written "dear john's", and we've sent them off together. She gave me access to her cell phone and email accounts. So for several months, I was sure it was over. Then I found a pre-paid calling card she'd been using back in November... Since then, she's only been somewhat forthright and showed me emails where he's been trying to contact her and she hasn't responded so he's wondering why... It's like she ends it, but for some reason later, she re-establishes contact. I have not gotten her to talk about it since she's of the mindset that what I don't know won't hurt me.

She is also trying to reconsile the marriage, but seems to keep her EA on hold as a backup plan.

As for the food... It's her choice to eat the junk. The kids eat it too. Me... I'm eating a lot more healthy. She could just as easily follow my lead. We also have a home gym, which I've been using. She is again not chosing to use it herself. She knows what this is doing to her. And it's girl scout cookie season now. :lol:

It's not a terribly dark place where I am compared to the first couple months after discovery. Where I am is that I really don't mind seeing her create these situations herself where she suffers; Somehow she has to learn that she can't blame everyone else for problems she alone created. She made her bed, now she has to sleep in it. It's kind of like the affairs themselves; I was part of setting the stage with problems in the marriage. But she made the choice to have a PA and an EA (two different guys). She still somewhat tries to blame me (at first, it was all my fault and they were nothing but "friends"), but I did not make that choice for her. I take responsibility only for my own decisions and choices that created a wall in our marriage. She needs to own up to her own choices, whether that's stuffing ding dongs in her mouth or continuing an affair.

Look at the ding dongs as a fairly harmless test. The stage is set for her to decide whether or not to do something that will effect not only her physical beauty, but her mental perception of herself. Does she make the choice that won't cause damage? Nope.... instead goes for the self-satisfaction option that gives her the most pleasure. Will she learn?


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

What you are doing is intentionally setting her up for failure, and you know it. You try to justify it by saying she has choices, but YOU also have a choice....and you choose to be vindicitve. If....and its a BIG if, you want to try to have any sort of future with her, then you are sabotaging that by playing the mind games with her. 
I agree, you are in a very dark place, and you need to find a way to let this go and either move on in your marriage, knowing the flaws that are there and need to be addressed, or you need to let her...and all of the anger and hostility go.


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

"Look at the ding dongs as a fairly harmless test. The stage is set for her to decide whether or not to do something that will effect not only her physical beauty, but her mental perception of herself. Does she make the choice that won't cause damage? Nope.... instead goes for the self-satisfaction option that gives her the most pleasure. Will she learn?"

Maybe her choice would to be not to have the items that tempt her in her home...but you haven't given her that choice. A drug addict, or alcohol addict, when recovering - will stay away from places that have what they crave....however if you put them in a room with a line of cocaine or a bottle of Jack - while their willpower be able to over come the addiction? I agree with Mommybean - your setting her up for failure to inflict pain - nothing else - which makes you no better than her in my book. A different pain for sure - but still


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Your wife cheated, so you are trying to make her fat.

Yes - you are sick. Makes no sense to me.

So you'll either have:
1) A fat wife who doesn't leave the house
or
2) A resentful wife who continues to cheat

Good luck!


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> Your wife cheated, so you are trying to make her fat.
> 
> Yes - you are sick. Makes no sense to me.
> 
> ...


lol...yes I'm sick. I find dark humor in my: "I'll get you back, have another snickers!" place. I'm not taking advantage of some sort of addiction either. She is oblivious to all this. 
It also is not like I’m hiding this stuff like putting a “low fat diet ding dong” sticker on the box. So yes I’m sick taking perverse pleasure at watching my vain wife grow love handles. She actually thinks she’s dieting.... denial at it’s best.
My backwards thoughts about ending up with a fat wife is that for her to truly get fat will take a considerable amount of time (think cheerleader physique to start with). I’ll be long gone by then unless she does wake up from her denial.

Will she be resentful? Doubt it, all I’m doing is keeping the shelves stocked with sweets (not uncommon with three kids). It could damage her self-esteem, but that’s already in flames. Will she try the blame game again? I won’t tolerate her blaming everyone else for her own choices anymore, so that’s another deal breaker (it’s also one reason our MC won’t reschedule); she still does not fully accept her role in these affairs. There is always a "but" or a justification or a blame shift....


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

If you want to test her, let her go to the gym. Give her enough rope to hang herself and see what she does.

Also - for anger - I read somewhere once that making a voodoo doll can be very therapeutic. And I think it would be healthier - for all involved - than what you are doing now. Look on youtube or just use google - all kinds of different ways to make them.

If nothing else, do your searches and leave the screen up for her to see. But the food thing seems a bit strange.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Racer said:


> No, I’m not doing anything as petty as having a PA myself.
> Example; She struggles keeping the weight off. Since she used the gym as a cover to also visit her PA partner, I’ve refused to let her go work out due to my “trust issues” with her. She’s stressed, and she’s an eater when stressed. I do the grocery shopping. So, I’ve been loading the house up with Ding Dongs, chocolate, chips, oreo’s, etc. She’s put on a lot of weight. So I’m slowly decaying her physical beauty so other’s won’t find her attractive and she won’t like who she sees in the mirror. I’m sick, I know....


The fact that you are able to behave like this shows why she had a PA in the first place. You have her worst interests at heart. That is no basis for a marriage. You're also a coward for torturing her instead of leaving her.

If I was a woman, I would run from a guy like you. One day your own actions will stick in your throat and you'll realise how shabby you are. That will hurt you far more than she ever has.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Agree with Mark. She needs to get away from you. The fact that you write gloatingly about this stuff is a very bad sign.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> The fact that you are able to behave like this shows why she had a PA in the first place. You have her worst interests at heart. That is no basis for a marriage. You're also a coward for torturing her instead of leaving her.
> 
> If I was a woman, I would run from a guy like you. One day your own actions will stick in your throat and you'll realise how shabby you are. That will hurt you far more than she ever has.


Um... Wow! So it's excusable for her to have a PA? That's never ok; she should of left me if I made her miserable. But you know what, I wasn’t a cruel person... that's part of the problem. I just set the stage. 

I was all too accommodating, sympathetic, empathetic, and generally too nice of a guy. I supported her totally mentally, physically, financially, etc. She apparently couldn't respect that weak person she molded me into... She walked all over me even after the discovery. I was her doormat, her safety blanket and shelter. So she kept pushing the marriage boundaries farther and farther until finally she decided it was ok to sleep with another guy. She literally told me "I didn't think you would mind." That is how she perceived me. “Can I sleep with him?... Whatever you want my dear..” She was living in the fantasy stage I made for her where she wasn’t ever wrong and no matter what she did, I’d be there for her fulfilling that role as her provider, butler, babysitter, and husband when the event required a spouse. She had zero accountability. 

I used to worship her and placed her on a pedestal. Her affairs woke me up and I started seeing her as just my wife... not some deity. Now I take perverse pleasure at watching my false idol tumble downward over something as simple as a ding dong when I throw it out there. 

It's tragic, sad, and just a bit funny.

Go back and read my earlier post if you're curious as to what she could of done to me to make me this way..... I just sorta stopped posting as more and more was revealed. She's asked me to stay... I'm giving her time to show me why I should.


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

No one said it is excusable that she had a PA - what we are saying is that by doing what you are doing is no better than what she ultimately did - although your motive is revenge....especially since you say you'll be divorcing her in a bit more time as soon as you get your stuff together - but you've got her believing your willing to work on the marriage. 2 wrongs don't make a right.


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Sorry - I had more - 

It seems that you came on her asking if you were being cruel to her....expecting us to say "no she's getting what she deserves, good for you" and since several have said "yes you are being cruel" you now what to defend your actions in a way to prove they aren't cruel. If you thought they weren't, you wouldn't of asked the question.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

maybe he is just trying to do what we all think of on occassion, i think everyone in this position says they would like to do something to the other spouse that cheated......at least thought it, I think he is just sub consciously doing a little of that, he is trying to work things out so this is a good thing,
After reading all the posts I think he will get it that maybe his thinking was a little scewed......
forget all that and work on your marriage and forgiveness. the facts are the facts are they worth damaging your marriage, this is what you have to decide.
It can work as others on this board are examples for that, but you have to have forgiveness, understanding and you have to committed to forgetting the past and working on the things that were wrong in the marriage and build a new past to reflect on..
good luck


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Racer said:


> Now I take perverse pleasure at watching my false idol tumble downward over something as simple as a ding dong when I throw it out there.


Everyone has a dark side. Your wife's dark side contains selfishness. Your dark side contains cruelty.

Cruelty does not come out of nowhere. Some people have it and some don't. In those that have it but don't know it, it simply lies dormant until an event triggers it.

Your wife is in the process of learning to dissolve her selfishness. Don't let her win the race! You must get busy dissolving your cruelty.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

TNgirl232 said:


> Sorry - I had more -
> 
> It seems that you came on her asking if you were being cruel to her....expecting us to say "no she's getting what she deserves, good for you" and since several have said "yes you are being cruel" you now what to defend your actions in a way to prove they aren't cruel. If you thought they weren't, you wouldn't of asked the question.


No, I didn't come on here to get your opinion whether I'm cruel or not; I do feel some guilt and started with it... so I know this isn't the right thing to do. It just isn't that cruel.

I came on here to see if anyone else does these sorts of little things. We do hear about the stories where the betrayed wife lops of her husband's offending member after all.... 

I also still don't see this this as really cruel and sorta laugh at the responses here. Look at this forum.... it's full of really awfull things people have done to someone they love. There is so much pain and suffering spilled out on these forums. By providing my wife a choice between celery and oreos, I'm hardly on the same scale as someone who cheats on their spouse and spends a considerible amount of time convincing the betrayed spouse it was their fault or they are imagining things.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You're playing head games when you should be trying to make things better or making plans to end the marriage.

Yes - people have done worse - but you are acting like a child.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Racer said:


> By providing my wife a choice between celery and oreos, I'm hardly on the same scale as someone who cheats on their spouse and spends a considerible amount of time convincing the betrayed spouse it was their fault or they are imagining things.


I'd have to agree with you on that point. I didn't have these feelings with my h, and I believe it was because he was very remorseful. I did have some evil thoughts about the OW...nothing bad but when his company moved offices & I went with him on the weekend to connect the desktops...it was tempting to 'forget' to connect hers or draw little mustaches on her pictures...but I refrained...I don't think I have it in me to do something like that, especially if it would initiate contact with my h or myself...

Bottom line is if you plan to stay in the marriage, you are better off working together to make the marriage stronger....if you both remain disconnected it will stay stagnant in this bad place.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> You're playing head games when you should be trying to make things better or making plans to end the marriage.


I do try and make things better. I addressed all her concerns with my part in the issues of the marriage early on through MC. I have continued to be there for her and do really work on the rebuilding. I am working on bettering myself. I am also comfortable that I am capable of forgiveness of her actions if I only could understand (I'm still in the dark about a lot of things). But we're talking months and months of stalemate and total confusion over her actions and justifications. I've gone and done as much as I feel I can by myself; reconsile needs both of us. She claims she is willing, but the lack of action and progress coming out of her is frustrating. Maybe I'm doing this petty thing to kill time.... afterall, it'd take months and months to have any substantial effect (oh yea, it has been chubby)... 

So I have also made plans for divorce. I've got the finances in order, have the lawyer, have the house, have a plan for the custody, etc. And most important: I have informed that I am prepared, refuse to repeat '09, and there isn't much patience left in me. But this is not what I want. It may be something I have to do to save myself, but divorce is not my preferred option. I have needs and boundaries in the marriage; she knows them, but is either unwilling, or just lacks the willpower and strength needed to address them. So she isn't doing much at all.... 

At this point, the fate of the marriage does rest in her hands.


----------



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Ok. I'm LOL at the Ding Dongs. But shouldn't they be Ho-Hos. Get it? 

Its sick what we have to do to keep our minds in tact during such pain. The fact that you can post this means you truly know its not a real solution. She's got to fess up - or you have to get out, for your sanity. Good luck.


----------

