# A hypothetical question?



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

If you had been the cheater, would you have come home and confessed?

Would you rock the boat if your spouse is unlikely to ever find out?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Does not sound hypothetical

Sounds like you cheated and not sure what to do. 

If you cheated you need to tell your spoiuse, let them know how bad you feel, answer all of their questions honestly and completly


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

mahike said:


> Does not sound hypothetical
> 
> Sounds like you cheated and not sure what to do.
> 
> If you cheated you need to tell your spoiuse, let them know how bad you feel, answer all of their questions honestly and completly


Hi, No i never cheated, my H cheated on me, once as far as I know. But i have my doubts obviously as to did he ever do it before, or again. I didn't find out until 3 years after the fact.

I have asked him a hundred times if he ever cheated on any other occasion and he is demented trying to convince me this was a one off cheat that he realised as soon as it started it wasn't what he wanted. BUT, as the BS it is difficult to believe he would admit to anything other than what i know about.

In his shoes, if i'd been caught out cheating and there was more in the closet i wouldn't admit to it..........I don't think I would anyway, for fear of making things worse, or maybe in standing no chance of R.

Just my thoughts.....and I'm not a devious person. I would never cheat, but if I did, i doubt I'd confess.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

How did you find out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> How did you find out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I found out when I came across an old 'archive' in an email account on an old work laptop my H had given to me when he got an update. 

He'd left his work emails on it and I read an email from a former colleague asking him if he wanted a no strings attached BJ. When I first read it I thought it was spam mail. Not believing for one second that any woman would offer such a thing to a man she barely knew. But I questioned him on the senders name and he sh!t himself. My gut feeling was he had something to hide. He initially denied everything and said she was a colleague from the past who worked in his office for a couple of months and she'd had a bit of a crush on him.

I didn't allow him access to this laptop, or her email address and I mailed the OW, hoping she would still be using the old email address. I pretended to be my H. She made contact and spilled the beans and I got the whole sorry story. I told my H that i was in contact with OW and he confessed to what happened. A few minutes in the car after work with a colleague who gave him a Bj, but both say it lasted minutes before he ended it....he didn't 'finish' as apparently he caught himself on and told her he wouldn't do this as was happily married. blah blah

So that's how I found out. He would never have confessed if i hadn't have found out. So why would he confess to more?

Hence my dilemma!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Looks like he's not the one to confess on his own. You'll need evidence to confront, which is what you did. Unlikely he will confess to more.

If you cant live with that, have him to a polygraph.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

aug said:


> Looks like he's not the one to confess on his own. You'll need evidence to confront, which is what you did. Unlikely he will confess to more.
> 
> If you cant live with that, have him to a polygraph.


I have suggested this and he didn't hesitate, he said he would do it.
I'm letting him think I'm still considering this.


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## TroubledInMI (Sep 4, 2012)

I cheated on my wife years ago. Just the once. But I didn't confess. I got caught. I would like to think I would have ended it at some point, but to be honest with myself, I probably would not have until I got caught. When you're caught up in it, there's no way your brain is going to just let you come clean unless you're caught somehow. Surely there are people out there with much stronger morals than I, but then they wouldn't cheat and wouldn't have anything to confess.

Hard to say if there's been more than one A with your H, but I'm certain he wouldn't want to just out himself if he didn't need to.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Hey Gem. I understand what you're asking. 

My hope is that if I wanted to cheat, that I would tell my H first...and either work on it, or if it was that strong, LEAVE THE MARRIAGE* before* acting up on it. 

From what I've been through myself this summer though, it's really hard to even imagine being in the situation where cheating was even on my mind. I understood that infidelity wrecks marriages, obviously. I just did NOT understand the reality of the feelings behind it. And I could NEVER do that to anyone - even my worst enemy.

FYI - I started a hypothetical question thread a while back, was interesting to see the differences in answers..I still don't really know how to use all the feaures of this site, so I'll try to link back to it if you want to take a look. Just thought you'd find it interesting, since it seems like you and I seem to have a lot in common based on the threads of yours that I read. 

Here it is, hope it works:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/55710-hypothetical-question-bs-s-5.html


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

TroubledInMI said:


> I cheated on my wife years ago. Just the once. But I didn't confess. I got caught. I would like to think I would have ended it at some point, but to be honest with myself, I probably would not have until I got caught. When you're caught up in it, there's no way your brain is going to just let you come clean unless you're caught somehow. Surely there are people out there with much stronger morals than I, but then they wouldn't cheat and wouldn't have anything to confess.
> 
> Hard to say if there's been more than one A with your H, but I'm certain he wouldn't want to just out himself if he didn't need to.


Very honest answer, here. I believe my H would answer the same.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

At this moment in my life, I would rent a billboard on the way to my husband's work to plaster the most flattering picture I could take of me and my hunky AP together drinking and watching porn (two of my husband's most favorite past times). Of course, this is only hypothetically speaking.

Seriously, I have been wearing big girl panties for too long to make such a reckless decision as to have an affair, especially now. I would dump his arse first and then go ruin my family.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Yes I would have. But then again, I never would have cheated, I would have ended the marriage first.

By the way, I am sure my FWH thought he got away with it too. It was over before I found out. Almost a yr prior.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> Hey Gem. I understand what you're asking.
> 
> My hope is that if I wanted to cheat, that I would tell my H first...and either work on it, or if it was that strong, LEAVE THE MARRIAGE* before* acting up on it.
> 
> ...


Thanks so sad lady, I read some of your thread, it all makes me so sad. I feel a lot of what you feel....I just want the whole truth.....I kind of think that I can cope and live with a one off cheat, if my H is remorseful enough, and has learnt that he has too much to lose to ever go down that path again. 

The problem is, did he realise the pain it would cause me / us. Because I didn't find out for 3 years, did he think he got away with it, and so went on and did something more........or did he learn from it.

How will i ever know?


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Falene said:


> At this moment in my life, I would rent a billboard on the way to my husband's work to plaster the most flattering picture I could take of me and my hunky AP together drinking and watching porn (two of my husband's most favorite past times). Of course, this is only hypothetically speaking.
> 
> Seriously, I have been wearing big girl panties for too long to make such a reckless decision as to have an affair, especially now. I would dump his arse first and then go ruin my family.


Off topic here a bit, just have to say....Falene - I like you! Sorry that you're having to feel resentment and bitterness.... I feel it in my own life too, but I don't normally post it. Which is why I love reading your posts! You just make me feel "all better" for some of my own thoughts sometimes!


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

gemjo said:


> Thanks so sad lady, I read some of your thread, it all makes me so sad. I feel a lot of what you feel....I just want the whole truth.....I kind of think that I can cope and live with a one off cheat, if my H is remorseful enough, and has learnt that he has too much to lose to ever go down that path again.
> 
> The problem is, did he realise the pain it would cause me / us. Because I didn't find out for 3 years, did he think he got away with it, and so went on and did something more........or did he learn from it.
> 
> How will i ever know?


I wish I had an answer for that..."how will I ever know"?

And it comes back to trust - which we've always done. Until our worlds were shattered. And they say they learned their lesson (I still question what lesson...)..and all of a sudden we're supposed to trust again. Because they said to... ?? 

My hope for you - for me - for any BS - is that time and love can answer the questions. But who knows. It's all very confusing - a journey with no instructions.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> I wish I had an answer for that..."how will I ever know"?
> 
> And it comes back to trust - which we've always done. Until our worlds were shattered. And they say they learned their lesson (I still question what lesson...)..and all of a sudden we're supposed to trust again. Because they said to... ??
> 
> My hope for you - for me - for any BS - is that time and love can answer the questions. But who knows. It's all very confusing - a journey with no instructions.


I guess we have to take one day as it comes, one step in front of the other...see if they f*ck up and hope they don't. That is our life now it seems.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

gemjo said:


> I guess we have to take one day as it comes, one step in front of the other...see if they f*ck up and hope they don't. That is our life now it seems.


You're right. And in the mean time we'll have nights like you had the other night, when you don't hear from him for an hour or two, your imagination goes off....and almost makes us irrational. 

Oh, but - for me...if he does fvck up again. Game over. 
How bout for you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

gemjo said:


> If you had been the cheater, would you have come home and confessed?
> 
> Would you rock the boat if your spouse is unlikely to ever find out?


I did.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> You're right. And in the mean time we'll have nights like you had the other night, when you don't hear from him for an hour or two, your imagination goes off....and almost makes us irrational.
> 
> Oh, but - for me...if he does fvck up again. Game over.
> How bout for you?


no doubt in my mind, no second chances......he f*cked up once that i know of, the slightest slip now, even a doubt in my mind and we are over. I am giving him this one chance, but if he blows it, we're over. It wont take much....just a doubt and end of!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

gemjo said:


> no doubt in my mind, no second chances......he f*cked up once that i know of, the slightest slip now, even a doubt in my mind and we are over. I am giving him this one chance, but if he blows it, we're over. It wont take much....just a doubt and end of!


My wife cheated on me. We rugswept and I self-medicated with alcohol.

I started to have an EA, it was innocent at first, we got together through a hobby, then realised we were both Star Trek fans, and so on 'til it was starting to become a PA, when I realised at the last minute what I was doing and stopped.

I confessed to my wife, which was one of the most horrible things I have ever had to do in my life.

That was about 15/16 years ago.

Recently my wife asked me if I was having an affair. she was suspicious because I had been losing weight and some idiot at work had told her that was a sign I was having an affair. I'm not, by the way.

This was crazy as I am losing weight partly following her asking me to.

So a suspicion may not be based in reality. 

I wish you both well.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> My wife cheated on me. We rugswept and I self-medicated with alcohol.
> 
> I started to have an EA, it was innocent at first, we got together through a hobby, then realised we were both Star Trek fans, and so on 'til it was starting to become a PA, when I realised at the last minute what I was doing and stopped.
> 
> ...


Thanks, Matt. I always enjoy your feedback on threads.

But...for me...
Reality is based on suspicion these days.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP-
Never cheated- but I certainly would come clean. I can't live with guilt and regret.

WD


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