# Just typing



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Rough day. Alone now for the next few days. Rough IC session today. It had an unexpected ending. Feeling nothing. No desire to eat, drink, or do anything at all. Just sitting here typing. Still can't believe what I did. Life comes with no instruction manual. But now I could write a "how to" on going from "nice married guy of 30+ years" to "idiot cheater who can never be fully trusted again". 

Nothing else to type.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Thats a lot being said in a few sentences. Rather then agree with you, I'll just say I hope you can get somewhere with your IC..and you can figure out what drove you to make the decisions you did..and hurt the people you have, including yourself.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Not sure if IC is going to help. I think IC might be over after what happened today. I don't know. I do have an appointment. But after what happened today, I don't know what there is left to do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear you feel down, HT. Keep your head up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Not sure if IC is going to help. I think IC might be over after what happened today. I don't know. I do have an appointment. But after what happened today, I don't know what there is left to do.


Wrong counselor?


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Well, I don't know what you mean by writing, after what happened today. 

But counseling usually takes a while, I'm not sure how long you have been going.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I don't know. I don't want to get into details here.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've been going for several months now.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Alright, thats up to you. I know theres plenty of people here willing to listen and give insight to your situation. Good luck.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I know others are here to listen and help. I just need to type for now. Making any decisions in my current mental status would not be good. I'm so worried about my wife and her future. If I can't forgive myself, she either has a zombie for a husband, or an ex-husband. It's not fair to her either way.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Forgiving your self will take time.

Sometimes we all have bad days.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm having extreme doubts of ever being able to forgive myself.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hugs to you.

It sucks to see yourself for what you are, or at least for what you did.

I was in that rut for years a long time ago...it does get better. Different, but better.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

You are distorting cognitions which causes depression. 

Google "cognitive distortion" and read about it. 

It will help you to see reality and stop you from what you are doing. 

You are beating yourself up and you need to stop. 

Every come back and all grieving from every mistake in life is a series of stages. You must recognize them for what they are

These stages always include shock, anger, enlightenment and acceptance.

You will find inner peace again. telling yourself otherwise is a cogniotive distortion that simply is not true. 

Wrap your head around it and rebuild. 

No more name calling yourself. 

Remorse alone is an indication you have good within you. 

We all make mistakes. Dont compound it with more of them in your recovery

I wish you all the best


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

It took me a long time to forgive myself.

Crown Royal helped a lot.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I appreciate the words of encouragement. Each day is getting tougher. How long will my wife tolerate this, I don't know. It's like I'm hurting her again and again each day by just being around, and being a zombie. 

Today, I'm tempted to pack a few things and leave, after writing her a note apologizing for ruining our marriage and not being able fix myself. But I won't do it. That would hurt her yet again, and I have nowhere to go. I wish she would just tell me to leave, and divorce me. I don't know. I'm so screwed up, nothing I think makes any sense. 

I won't drink, because the alcohol is in the safe with my gun.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why can't you fix yourself?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I can't forgive myself for what I did. Each day is as if I did it again. The pain is deep, and has changed me forever. I'll never be who I was, someone that was respected and could be trusted. If I can no longer see those qualities in me, how could I expect others to see them?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

how long has it been?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

HerToo - did you get my private message?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

HerToo You need to calm down and get some perspective. 

Go volunteer ata soup kitchen, see a shut in or volunteer at the SPCA. Thinkiong about others gives you a break from thinking about yourself. 

Yes you can fix yourself. Saying otherwise is absurd. You need to stop and get a grip. 

Like all things, this too shall pass. 

Handling the recovery from making mistakes is so often so messy, handling it with some grace and dignity gives you more points with those that observe you than if you had never made a mistake at all. 

The gun talk needs to stop immediately. Take a step back and read what you wrote. 

What would you say to someone else saying these things?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It's been about 3 months.

Yes, I got your personal message. Thank you for that.

The gun comment was just that. A comment, nothing else. Plus, drinking at this time would not be good.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

One thing you have going for you is that you are not trying to pin this on your wife. So, maybe you are different than the average cheater and have a conscience. You messed up. But, at least you own it. I can respect that.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

That's at least one postive characteristic I have left. I admit when I'm guilty. And I own it. 

Went to the gym twice today, just to try and keep busy and get some help mentally. It's short lived. Almost started to cry at the gym. Feel like crying now. Not for me, but for my wife.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Dealing with the fall out is tough for you, and tough for your wife. 
Don't be tempted to walk out now. She will assume you have gone to your EA partner. 
The pain has changed you both. The old marriage has gone, but your wife has given you chance to build a new one!
Your a lucky man with a wife who must truly love you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I have a suspicion that your wife may be involved in an affair, but unlike you, a physical one. She may actually be relieved you had an EA and that may be the reason she forgave you so quickly. If she is, she is probably feeling less guilty. Also, she didn't call you when she was away. You may find evidence if you investigate. Perhaps on some level you suspect? You seemed worried when she did not contact you and puzzled that she forgave you so easily. 

I have hunch that , you need her far more than she needs you and your real fear is that you will lose her. Maybe your one foot out the door is a contrivance to manipulate her to reassure you that she will not leave? You avoid having to ask her. 

If this rings true, you may want to shape up tout suite before she gets tierd of the persuit. Maybe while she away on one of those trips she will enjoy the time away from you and decide she wants someone who has the ability to give her the love, attention and appreciation she has missed in her marriage. Think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

HerToo, have you ever felt like this before unrelated to being unfaithful. It seems like there's something else going on, with this much guilt, doesn't seem new to you...just saying


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I wish my WH even cared to try... you are light years ahead of him as I sit here on a Sunday morning taking care of my kids and doing what needs to be done and he lives in la-la land with the OW just down the street.... less than one month since I found out.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Are you artistic? Pour that pain into something creative! It's makes the best art.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Hertoo

sorry you had a rough weekend.

How are you doing today? You need to give yourself time to recover from this. you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Just as your wife needs time to recover, so do you. 

You know our situations are very similar, and my H is also struggling with the hurt he has caused and he is also really struggling with his concious. He told me last week that he thought he would never be in this situation ever and that the love just wasnt there for us to fix this, i am listening, BUT, i still think there is a chance. There is a chance for you too. Your wife loves you and she wants your marriage to work. Accept what she is saying to you and accept her help and her love. 

Put it into perspective, yes what you have done is a complete betrayal of trust BUT in the grand scheme of things you havent killed anyone or abused anyone! Yes it stinks, and yes you are hurting and missing the OW but it will pass. You will recover, you just need to give it time. Stop punishing yourself.

Hope you check in today so we know how you are doing
Take care x


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I have a suspicion that your wife may be involved in an affair, but unlike you, a physical one. She may actually be relieved you had an EA and that may be the reason she forgave you so quickly. If she is, she is probably feeling less guilty. Also, she didn't call you when she was away. You may find evidence if you investigate. Perhaps on some level you suspect? You seemed worried when she did not contact you and puzzled that she forgave you so easily.
> 
> I have hunch that , you need her far more than she needs you and your real fear is that you will lose her. Maybe your one foot out the door is a contrivance to manipulate her to reassure you that she will not leave? You avoid having to ask her.
> 
> ...


Sorry Catherine but in ALL of HerToo threads there has been not one smidgen that he is concerned that his wife is having an A! I wonder how you have come to this conclusion?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She's not having an affair right now. She was with with family. She did admit that in the past she was tempted. I do not know if there was a PA involved or not. I honestly don't care. After I was caught, I encouraged her to find someone else via a dating web site. I even looked for guys for her. She refused. 

Yes, there's a history of me not forgiving myself for disappointing others. I am unable to let go. And cheating is the biggest of them all. I've been to counseling for many years, and I don't change. Medication does not help either. I try, but nothing changes.

I'm am not artistic at all, in any way. 

Yes Lisa, I do care for my wife. 

Daisy, thank you for asking. It was a tough weekend. I still feel the same. I tried to keep myself busy with chores and going to the gym. Didn't sleep well at all. I do have feelings for the OW in terms of caring for her well being, and the hurt I caused her as well. But I maintain NC, and always will. 

Her comes another day. Not looking forward to it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

HerToo said:


> She's not having an affair right now. She was with with family. She did admit that in the past she was tempted. I do not know if there was a PA involved or not. I honestly don't care. After I was caught, I encouraged her to find someone else via a dating web site. I even looked for guys for her. She refused.
> Her comes another day. Not looking forward to it.


I've read this hundreds of times and it turns out the unthinkable is going on right beneath your nose. . Why didn't she stay in contact with you when she was with family. BTW being with family does not prevent a person from meeting up with a lover. 

If you were sincere about her finding another man, you would not stand in her way. Get a divorce, she will be fine without you. Why are you staying around; not because you are concerned for her or you would never have been so insensitive to let her know that you don't care if she is with other men. 

She has the personality and social contacts to make her way very well. You will be free to go to the OW and that should lift your mood considerably. Why give up a chance for your happiness and your wife's happiness too.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo - our mistakes are not what define us - it's how we deal with them that does. Hang in there, it does get better. At almost a year and a half I can't say it's gone away but it is better. If your wife has forgiven you owe it to her to forgive yourself, keep working at it. You are not a bad person, you just made a very bad choice, just like me and lots of others here.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Her contact with me was limited, but did exist. She was with one of our adult kids the whole time.

I'm not in her way. I know she would be fine without me. She does not want a divorce. At least not yet. I've let her know that if she does want a divorce, I will agree. I encouraged her finding someone else early on because of what I did to hurt her, and that she deserves better. I want her, but I am unable to love her because I no longer feel worthy of her love and trust. 

There is no OW to go to. That's not an option. I'd rather be alone.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Have you thought about getting with your W and not actually writing a book,, but writing out the story of your EA and all that led up to it and all the way till now..?? 

You might find a new connection with your W to help others deal and recover from an A. 

I think once you get through the guilt of what you did and if you work together on a project of helping others it might help you feel better and help you find an acceptance. 

And hopefully help you find that chemistry and passion with her again. ( Just a thought)


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

This is an old post. But I'll answer just the same.

There is no way she could do that. She hated me giving her more details at my request last week.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Might be helpful for you to do by yourself though. I actually did this for a member here who wanted more details about my story. I set out to give her a full account of the whole thing but never the level of detail I ended up writing. Once I started I couldn't stop - it became very much like therapy. I think the whole thing is like seven single spaced typed pages. I think I scared her when I finally sent it to her. I go back and keep it up to date and fill in details as I recall them still. Personally it helped me to reconstruct the whole thing.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've written the pictorial version only for now.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and hertoo is banned, must've missed his ban post


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah, what happened???


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Who's next?!?!?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

What the hell happened?? Hertoo?? Really?? Can't imagine that.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I wondered about that as well. 

????


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## Nomad (Dec 1, 2011)

I was lurking in this forum before I joined today. I briefly saw something in a different post from hertoo suggesting doing something to someone. The next thing I knew, it was gone. I saw it as a joke, given some of the posts from hertoo that I've seen so far. Maybe the people in charge of the board didn't see it that way.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

we should start a ban pool

I have dibs on justajerk


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> we should start a ban pool
> 
> I have dibs on justajerk


There's a couple I could name.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok so why did he get banned?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok so why did he get banned?


best guess?



Nomad said:


> I was lurking in this forum before I joined today. I briefly saw something in a different post from hertoo suggesting doing something to someone. The next thing I knew, it was gone. I saw it as a joke, given some of the posts from hertoo that I've seen so far. Maybe the people in charge of the board didn't see it that way.



Maybe Amp was feeling twitchy?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What did he suggest he was going to do to someone? I am lost.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

PM amp dear, I didn't see the post


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm back. I posted a suggestion that was deemed as promoting violence. My fault for not saying it was just a joke. 

Lesson learned.

My apologizes to the board ops for doing so.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Now we need to free that_girl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HT. Glad to hear it was only temporary. Hope you're doing ok.

What happened to THatGirl??


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I have no idea what happened to her. My ban was 3 days. I needed the break, so it was fine.

I went to a counseling session and learned a fair amount about myself. I'm okay with what ever happens in the future. I've analyzed both options, and continue to do so. I'm still on the fence. I don't like it, but that's where I am. There's no urgency to make a decision anymore.


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## allmygodly (Dec 5, 2011)

I don't want to get into details here.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Almostrecovered said:


> Maybe Amp was feeling twitchy?


Why does everyone always point the finger at me??? 

Oh, yeah! But not this time. 

TG's was a temp, she'll be back.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

while youre here amp- do you ever check IP addy's if it is suspected a wayward spouse is posting under false pretenses to give "advice" to their betrayed spouse?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Almostrecovered said:


> while youre here amp- do you ever check IP addy's if it is suspected a wayward spouse is posting under false pretenses to give "advice" to their betrayed spouse?


No not randomly, but I have had posters ask me to check IPs for just that reason.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

will PM you


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