# Resentful of Him



## lozt (Mar 16, 2011)

Hi, I am new to all this but totally lost on where to turn. I do not tell family or friends about my marital issues and from the outside looking in we appear to have a great marriage. But sadly, that is where it ends. It started out great but has fizzled through the years to what it is now.

When we first met/dated, he was very supportive over anything I chose to tackle. Once we were living together, that quickly turned to jealousy and mistrust based on his past experiences. It became an issue to wear makeup, dress nice, wear pretty undies or even wear perfume. I stood my ground and he finally backed off but there are times when those old issues do surface again and we go to battle over them again. That lays the foundation for our beginning battles.

The battles are more quiet battles now but do get heated. He belittles me often. If it is something that will benefit him, like a vacation, etc, I am so smart/talented. But if I say/do something he is against, then I am the most stupidest person on the earth. He acts like a bully and will not back down on an arguement until he gets his way. It is to the point where I will only stand my ground after being pushed down many, many times. The times I do stand my ground, I'm the most awful person and am against him. He doesn't realize how often I bite my tongue to just avoid an arguement. He thinks that I am just trying to be against him and make him feel dumb.

I am losing all respect for him. I no longer even want to be intimate with him because of how he acts. If he is doing something and I somehow interupt him (even walk in front of him), he starts his heavy sighing or even getting loud/angry-"can't you see I'm doing something." If I ask him to do something when he isn't busy, like take out trash, and he doesn't do it and it's the next day, I'll just go ahead and take it out and he gets crappy about it. I can't win by just doing the chore and I can't win by asking him repeated amount of times to get it done. The lesser of the two evils is to just eventually do it myself and take the 2 mins of anger vs having him do it and then listen to him for 20 min complain that he had to do it and why couldn't anyone else in the house do it.

I work long hours and he only works 8 hrs yet I do 99% of everything inside/outside the house. There is no 50/50. I work while he watches tv/sits on the computer. He spends the money as well. If I ask him to do simple things, like mail a bill, then I have to give him step by step instructions on find the check book, get the bill, where to locate the bill amount, where the stamps are (always in the same place too), etc. It gets old having to do that for every little thing I ask him to do to help out and it's just easier to do it myself.

I still love him and am physically attracted to him. I just don't like who he is anymore. I don't like the anger, the rudeness, the laziness, the lack of motivation to do anything but what will benefit him. 

Any advice or suggestions? He doesn't see anything wrong with the marriage other than he wants to be intimate every single day and I am just way to tired after a 16 hr day to put any effort into that when he doesn't put any effort in anything. I am open to any suggestions, even if it is helping me change the way I view things vs. getting him to change.

I have tried telling him how I feel. He promises to change but is right back to the same thing the next day. Marital counseling is out because of my long work days and they are usually closed when I get home.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

He is an emotional abuser. Read the links and see if anything rings true:

Toxic Men and Toxic Relationships

Emotional Abuse

Part of how these types of people operate is isolation. There is no reason to feel embarrassed and not confide in your family. In fact, he is counting on that. He is counting on the fact that he will erode your self-esteem so much that you will be reliant on only him, and not seek love and affection from those who genuinely want the best for you. Don't allow that to happen simply becuase you want to maintain the facade of a perfect relationship. Life is far too short to be unhappy and lie to yourself. Life is far too short to walk on eggshells around the person who is supposed to love and cherish you.

You need to start remembering who you are and you need to restore your self esteem. You don't deserve to be belittled, talked down to, intimidated and controlled. It's not your fault this is happening. He hooked you in with sweet behaviour, and now he 'has' you, he reverts to his controlling and manipulative ways (you mentioned, significantly, that he switched when you began living together) and has steadily worsened. This is how abusers operate, and it steadily worsens with time. The more you tolerate the less likely he is to change.

You are already doing the right thing by reaching out here. You're not alone. Whether you love him or not, this will not get any better unless he gets some help, and if you stay with him he will have no reason to. Talk to your family, find a women's shelter to visit in your area. Emotional abuse is real and there is help out there.

Best of luck to you and God bless.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

MC is basically the only way this will be fixed. My MC story is in my profile. My wife and I had a similar dynamic, but I was never as bad as your husband. 

You need to fix this NOW. It will only get worse and you will only build up resentment. Pick up books in the mean time about dealing with this.

I basically agree that he is an emotional abuser, but can't tell how much.

Online or phone MC might be on option if traditional MC isn't. He or you should probably see an IC as well. Either way, you will both have to change your behavior. He needs to shut up and give you time to speak and be right in fights.


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## lozt (Mar 16, 2011)

Thank you for taking the time to reply! 

I do believe he does resort to emotional abuse to get his way. Not sure this is "intentional" as I don't think he realizes it is really emotional abuse. I have pointed it out to him and he denies it. Our life isn't like this all the time, but at the same time, our life is just there...same thing every single day. No conversations really. He will listen to me vent about work, then get upset that I don't want to do what he says I should do. I try to tell him, how you would do things in your job is a lot different then what I can do in my job and sometimes I just need to vent without a solution. Or we may have a conversation about something he wants to buy, his work, etc. We never just talk like we used to. If anything, I find myself wanting to avoid talking because it usually revolves around his interests and anything I talk about is noncommittal with him.

He always wants to spend every second together and if I suggest a girls day, or even go the grocery alone or him seeing his family without me, he gets upset. He has alone time daily so he doesn't grasp that concept of needing time to unwind.

He also does go against me on my thoughts/beliefs. It's like he wants me to mimic him and if I don't it's an attack on him. 

So I don't know if he fits specific quality of the Toxic Man, but he definately has a few points under a few of them. :scratchhead:

I just know I am so tired of doing it all. I'm tired of being the main provider and still having to juggle everything at home from kid, cleaning, cooking, shopping, scheduling, etc while he does nothing and refuses to acknowledge it. He thinks he is being the ultimate husband because he doesn't hang with the guys, doesn't hang out in a bar, has a job, is involved somewhat with our child (whole other story I haven't gone in to), and wants to go out and do stuff as a family and buy things that we can enjoy as a family. But what he doesn't realize is, I am too tired to want to do things after working 65+ hours a week then coming home and doing everything by myself, I don't want to spend time with him as a family because all it leads to is an arguement because something upset him (someone driving too slow, me asking questions or not doing it "right", our child talking or crying about something, etc). It just isn't pleasant being around him and I'd just rather sit at home then deal with that experience. Yet, when we are around friends, he is Mr. Nice Guy who rolls with the imperfections that happen that are beyond peoples control. Our most recent experience, we met with friends and went out on a bike ride. I didn't ride next to him the whole time, rather, we just rode and whoever was by each other-just chatted-which usually ended up being me and my friend (a female). During the ride he was nice, but soon as we were done and away it was "why didn't you ride with me" "It would've been nice to have spent some of the time with you". It didn't matter that we rode by each other majority of the time, he still had to make an ordeal of it. So that makes me not want to do anything with him........and no, he doesn't get it or understand or want to.

I feel like I'm beginning to just start backing out. I'm closing down to him and don't even open up about much anymore.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

He sounds, narcissistic and controlling is what came to my mind when I read this.


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## lozt (Mar 16, 2011)

AgentD said:


> He sounds, narcissistic and controlling is what came to my mind when I read this.


I don't know much about narcissitic. Do they go from sweet to mean like that? He can be really sweet, flowers, dancing, etc.....then at the drop of a hat be upset and loud about something stupid.

I'm quiet, non-confrontational type. I do not like to argue and do not think most arguements are worth the result it can bring. However, when I am pushed too much, I will come out and fight back. Maybe it is just a personality clash?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

What you said about him sounds so much like him its scary.

Does he have a history of anxiety or depression or does it run in his family?

You guys have almost the same dynamic I had with my wife. Please read my story in my profile if you haven't.

I loved my wife and didn't know how to treat her or make it work. It would drive me nuts when we would argue and she would shut down. I would PUSH and PUSH and she would shut down and back out more. 

I never really knew how she felt and assumed I was right because when we would argue she wouldn't tell me otherwise. 

Please get help now. This will only get worse very quickly. I think he does love you, he is just terrible at doing it and showing you it. He needs to realize how valuable you are. He needs to know if this continues he will lose you.

I hope he changes. I changed.


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## lozt (Mar 16, 2011)

ANX-I read your story and I must say the first few paragraphs I had tears because I could relate myself. I am not to the point of wanting to move out yet, but I know it probably is not too far off if things continue. As I push myself and get stronger mentally it is becoming more nearer. Things will eventually come to a head.

I also play a huge part in this. I used to express my feelings but have closed a lot of them off because of lack of interest on his end or the denial of what I feel is valid. Sometimes I will still open up, but this usually is after a bad arguement and he has apologized and wants to know what will make this work. Yet, when I open up then it's either an, "I will change" or "Why are you trying to make me feel worthless and that I don't do anything. We just made up and things could be good and I was looking forward making this a great day and then you ruined it."  So the opening up is less and less and I KNOW that isn't a good thing....but what do you do? 

I just looked into narcissim a little and while he fits some of the qualities I'm not sure fully if he is that or maybe borderline (if that is possible)? He does put me first in some aspects (like if we both had a material need, he would tell me to met mine first) but in other aspects, like emotionally and with the household stuff, my needs are last.

I hate walking on eggshells and worrying about a blow up. I hate pretending everything is great around family/friends. I just want the old us back. The us that could roll with every day stresses and laugh about them and not take them seriously. I want the old person back that I WANTED to lose sleep to stay up late and talk to or just "be" with. I feel like I am losing who I used to be. Where I used to have fun and be the person who was outgoing at parties....I am turning into the person who just wants to stay home and do nothing, quiet and just sitting and watching and afraid to have fun. I'm afraid some guy may talk to me and make him upset at me. I'm afraid any of my actions will make him upset (especially if he's drinking). He claims he is very old fashioned about his beliefs--like guys and girls being friends, etc. I try to acknowledge that and not be friends with males, but then he takes it to the extreme and gets jealous if I talk to a man at work. Makes my job hard because I HAVE to talk to men at work to get it done. I often find myself having to lie about who I talked to at work just to avoid that discussion. It's not like I'm having an affair or would ever have one.....I'm just doing my job and some of those guys are necessary to have at these meetings to get the job done.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> So the opening up is less and less and I KNOW that isn't a good thing....but what do you do?


 I don't know how its going to work in your story, but you need IC and if you want to fix the marriage, MC. In my opinion, Its not possible to get past all of the hurt without it. 

My wife told me that we needed to get into MC or the relationship would probably die soon.

He will have to chose between treating you better with MC or losing you. The current path you are on only gets worse. At this point you both are so hurt that if either of you tries opening up or changing the other person can't react well enough for long enough due to their own hurt. Please figure out how to get unstuck from this. It is possible to be closer than you ever have been.

I'm not sure how well this fits you, but it was important to me. Your husband seems to have more issues in this than you, but its worth the watch. This was my story more or less.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyty0xb7IMM


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think you have put yourself into this position.

First, why are you working so much AND doing stuff around the house? Do one of the other. if all the laundry doesn't get done, do your stuff so you have clean clothes to wear to work. if the dishes are backing up, let them. 

Why should he bother to change when he sees things getting done?

Finally, what is more important... work or the marriage? if you say work, there's really no reason to try to fix the marriage. If you say the marriage is more important, you can find a couple of hours during the week to do marriage counseling.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

lozt said:


> I don't know much about narcissitic.


The Narcissitic Abuser is on that Toxic Men link I gave you.



lozt said:


> Do they go from sweet to mean like that?


Yes that's exactly what they do.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

lozt said:


> I hate walking on eggshells and worrying about a blow up. I hate pretending everything is great around family/friends.


This is a symptom of emotional abuse. Even the way he switched on you after the bike ride is textbook. I am not saying he means to hurt you, but for some reason he has serious issues with control, whether it's his feelings of helplessness, as Anx said, that trigger it, it still amounts to the same thing. Abuse is about exerting control over another. If you can recognise these behaviours, you could have some chance at freeing yourself from the damaging effects of them.


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## lozt (Mar 16, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> I think you have put yourself into this position.
> 
> First, why are you working so much AND doing stuff around the house? Do one of the other. if all the laundry doesn't get done, do your stuff so you have clean clothes to wear to work. if the dishes are backing up, let them.
> 
> ...


My work is what pays the majority of the bills and I can not stand to have a house that is a mess. I wish I could turn that off but I just can not relax if there isn't some sort of order. I did try the laundry thing, all it brought was him doing his laundry and then leaving it in a pile on the floor or folded up on the couch. Somedays he will pick stuff up, but majority he won't.

I know I created this but I also know he has somewhat been this way his whole life. He worked hard growing up and his mom took care of the guys. And you're right, he won't change when things are getting done. I don't know how to get him to change though without losing my sanity because I believe the house will truly be dirty/messy and he still won't do a thing about it. It makes no sense how hard of a worker he is at work and on his projects but not at home!

Marriage is more important, however to see the MC on a weekly basis I would probably lose my job because I'd have to take a vacation day every week to make it. I work 83 miles from home so it's not a matter of leaving early to make it. My husband would have to take vacation time as well and he doesn't have the type of job that allows a 1 day a week vacation day. If we could find a counselor for Sat/Sun, then it wouldn't be an issue but there isn't one in our area but I am going to expand that search now and see if there is one open on Sat even if it is a 1 hr drive. If MC is the answer, then it is going to have to happen.


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## lozt (Mar 16, 2011)

loren said:


> The Narcissitic Abuser is on that Toxic Men link I gave you.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes that's exactly what they do.


Yeah, I seen the link but what I seen on the internet seems so much more intense?



loren said:


> This is a symptom of emotional abuse. Even the way he switched on you after the bike ride is textbook. I am not saying he means to hurt you, but for some reason he has serious issues with control, whether it's his feelings of helplessness, as Anx said, that trigger it, it still amounts to the same thing. Abuse is about exerting control over another. If you can recognise these behaviours, you could have some chance at freeing yourself from the damaging effects of them.


He does have control issues. He claims it is from his job, but I don't understand that theory. If he worries, it sends him into anger. I've told him he needs help for that but he either disagrees or won't do it.

I feel so boxed in with him. I have to be and act a certain way or he thinks I am up to something. I have never cheated nor given him any reason to think that of me. He just goes on his past and I think that is unfair to do.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Sometimes you have to just let go. Let go of the house being **** and span. The world will not come to an end of you leave clothes on the floor for a day or so. Maybe he just spoiled, and needs to learn to do things for himself and take some responsibility for things. That's how people learn. You will need to learn to take care of you, and not be so much of an enabler for him.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You are very similar to my wife. It took my a long time to realize that I should just do the dishes and laundry often and we are now both happy.

Again, online and phone counseling may be the place to start because you won't have to completely change jobs, but MC needs to happen. It might even be possible to do with webcams or something. I'm very happy you are thinking of doing it. I hope you can find a good option.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Which Marriages Are Worth Saving?
Do I Really Need A Marriage Counselor?
How to Save Your Marriage
How To Find Affordable Marriage Counseling
The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory

There may be a way to do counseling on sat/sun too. Its only an hour a week or ever few weeks.


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