# Don't know up from down right now...



## NCfiremedic (Dec 28, 2012)

Hello all.
New to the forum, but have been reading for a couple of hours now. I am looking for some advice from others who have been through it or going through it.

My wife and I have been together for about 10 yrs and have been married going on 5 yrs. We have a 3 year old daughter. 4 days before Christmas my wife approached me and said she wanted a separation. I was kind of caught off guard by this. I know we have had our issues about communicating, showing emotions, etc. We have gone through counselling earlier this year due to her going outside of our marriage. I was destroyed when that came to light, but I have come to forgive her and try to move past that issue. I wanted us to work. I took the tools that the therapist had given us and started to put them to use, or so i thought. 

My wife had made a comment that she felt a disconnect starting a couple of months ago, and that she would put a smile on her face because she saw that I was trying to work on the issues that i had in the relationship. After hearing this it felt like I was set up for failure, due to not feeling like i was doing the right thing with my new "tools". She also made a comment regarding that, "I don't know who I am, I need to find me." She suggested that we talk to therapists separately. 

The day after this conversation, I had found a therapist to talk to. A week went by and she has still not followed through with her words of talking to someone. This makes me feel like she really does not care about "US". I am trying to do what is right and work out the issues that I have, by talking to someone. I want to make "US" work. I am still in love with the woman whom I married almost 5 yrs ago, I don't know if there are reciprocating feelings.

Since this all took place, I have "moved" into a room on the other side of the house. I am trying to give her the space that she requested. We both work shift work, so crossing paths is about every other day or so. 

She still tries to have friendly conversations, and I don't feel like talking sometimes, because all my feelings start to come out and it turns into her saying that I am trying to persuade her not to go this route. This is not the case, per say, I don't want this route but I am also not trying to persuade her. I just have strong feelings. 

The night of Christmas eve, we were both home and able to spend time with our daughter the next morning. That night she came into the room I am staying in and asked if I wanted to come sleep in the bed. I am still questioning my decision that night. My feelings got the best of me, and I slept in the bed just so I can feel "close" to her. (Nothing happened in the bed that night). The next afternoon, I had asked her why she did that, and the response that I got was; "I just wanted things to feel normal again for one night". I was not thinking the night that she asked, but afterwards it feels like a head game. 

It feels like there is alot more to the story than what I am being told. She said that there is nobody else, and that is not the reason for this. It feels like I am being used though. 2 months ago she had gastric bypass and was out of work for 4 weeks. (Returned to work on Nov 18). Then we just moved to a new house the beginning of Dec. Now all this comes up. She says that this was not the plan also. I truly don't know what to believe anymore. I want to believe the words that she says, because that is what my heart says, but it is hard with the past. 

She is saying she does not know if she wants a divorce, but right now she wants a separation. I feel that our issues can be worked out, and she feels "numb" to all of it because we have been down this road before. "What would make this time any different than the last time", is the question that I get. 
I don't know what is up or down right now though. I don't know which way I should go. I read about sticking it out and trying all I can, and then I have read about doing a 180 and letting her "miss" me. The only thing that I do know at this point is that I don't want this to end, I love her to much. That does not mean that I "need" her, but I "want" her. 

Reaching out for a helping hand.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

So sorry about your situation and pain.

She invited you to sleep in the marital bed, for old times sake? That wasn't well thought through on her part, it gave you false hope only to knock you down afterwards.

She said you two had been down this road before...Makes you wonder if she cheated again and is trying to figure out what's best for her while keeping you hanging on as a back up plan.

Those would be my suspicions but who knows what the truth is. There's only so much you can do right now, be strong.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

As much as I'm sure you wanted that comfort also...as we all want and need comfort especially from our significant others even when things are right...

don't fall for that again. Things clearly aren't right and your no ones yo yo...


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Buckle up friend, you're going on a hell of a ride.

She feels that she doesn't need to commit to you or your marriage at this time. You stated in your post that "I love her too much" - you'll have to learn to love yourself a lot more. 

Going forward your priorities must be arranged in the following order: 1. You 2. You 3. You 4. Then everything/everyone else.

Don't chase and give her space. If you ever need to blow off steam, come here or talk to a confidant. She holds the power in the relationship at the current moment - You need to even the playing field; the quicker the better.

Read many of the threads posted here; the details are a little different but mostly play out the same.


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## NCfiremedic (Dec 28, 2012)

ReGroup: This is one ride that I have never expected to be on. I am trying to "distance" myself from everyday activities. Because of work schedules, over the past week I have seen her for a total of 2 days. This has helped a little bit because I don't have that awkward feeling like when she is around. When you say even the playing field, I am not fully understanding what is meant. I am trying to think about myself and my daughter, but I am finding difficulty after 10 years of doing the opposite.

Stella: I did like the feeling of "comfort" just laying next to her, but I am kicking myself in the butt for making that decision. It did nothing good for me, only left me with false hope. I don't like living in the past, but I wish I made a different choice that night. It hurt 10 fold the following day. I don't want to be a yo-yo for anyone, nor do i deserve it. 

Confused: I wish I did know what the truth was. It might make this a little easier. Not saying it will take away the pain, but maybe just ease a bit knowing what was really going on. I hate this feeling of not knowing. By what she is saying, is that there is not somebody else, but only she really knows. I had all intentions that if I ended up moving out of the house, that I was not going to be coming back to her, only for my daughter. As this goes further down the road, I find myself going back and forth on decisions. Not knowing which one is right. I know I truly enjoyed when things were good in our relationship, but I do not want to keep getting hurt. 

Today should be a "better" day, because it is just me and my daughter, wife is working and then I work tomorrow. Atleast until my daughter goes to sleep and then I am left to let my mind run endlessly.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Sorry bub, I hate to tell you this but you're not on the ride yet. You're still in the que line!

I truly hope things turn around quick for you.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Sounds like you have made a good deal of personal progress in a short time( much better than me!). It is painful to grasp onto to ever tiny sliver of hope only to have those hopes dashed. We have to learn to not let them have possession of our 'happy button'. Easier said than done however. Good luck and be stronger with the 180 than I have been.


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## NCfiremedic (Dec 28, 2012)

Dewayne: I really did not want to hear that, but it is a reality that I needed to know. I can try to mentally prepare myself for the drop at the top of the hill. It will be hard, but the truth sometimes is.

TNman: I work with very understanding people, there is still some brotherhood within the fire service, that have been through this before. I have had countless conversations with these guys, perks of being with them for 24 hrs at a time. I have also been on top of talking with a therapist and the big man upstairs. I know that I have to be strong for my daughter and that is what I am trying to do. Don't get me wrong I am still trying to grasp, because I am scared like never before. I just need to realize when to grasp and when to just "fall" and see where I land. My happy button is my daughter, and she will never take that, come hell or high water....Strength is in numbers and over the short tender in this forum, I see alot of numbers. Keep the faith, I know I am trying and my daughter is my light. It does not make it any easier to bare though.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

NC, when I say "even the playing field" I mean: she's in a position of strength - the old adage: He who cares less in a relationship, holds the power.

Usually an abandoned spouse will scrap and claw in a attempt to restore the marriage - Unfortunately, this never works. The "checked out" spouse will be furthur turned off by these attempts.

Your only protection from furthur emotional turmoit is to 180, NC, LC... dazedguy this morning wrote a fantastic synopsis of what you need to do - check it out.


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## NCfiremedic (Dec 28, 2012)

ReGroup if you are talking about the write up he did in, My world is turned upside down, I just read it. I was also reading through the Women's Infidelity thread. Both made total sense. I can see the stages playing through my marriage, and having that history within our marriage really brings it home. This is the road that I will start heading down. For so many years we have been a catch net in all different situations, it is time for "consequences". As hard as this road is going to be, it will hopefully pay off in the end. I can't see it clearly right now through are the pain, but with time and help it should start to reveal itself. 

Just thinking about it has brought another level of stress on top of the ones already present. I am glad I have found this support group, I will be needing it a lot in the near future and beyond. Thank you thus far.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Have you considered individual counseling?


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## NCfiremedic (Dec 28, 2012)

I am currently working with a therapist, due to holidays I have had 1 session. My next appt is for Jan 8th.


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## NCfiremedic (Dec 28, 2012)

I decided to have a talk with my wife today. Being that she seemed to have zero interest in working on our relationship, I decided to utilize the advice of DazedGuy. I thought about everything I wanted to tell her without holding back. Nothing I said was hurtful or degrading, just the truth about how I feel. I told her that it was not fair to me to continue waiting around while she goes out with friends.

Being I wanted to still be in this relationship, I would always look at it in that manner if I continued on my same path. It was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make. I am trying to limit conversations between us, she is still trying to have friendly conversations like nothing is going on. 

I dont understand.

Reality has not set in on any of this yet, I am still in a daze.


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