# How can a friend help my wife break off the emotional affair?



## CallMeDan (Feb 27, 2011)

My wife has been having an emotional affair for 3 months now. When I found out, she came clean... but insists on carrying on, with me as an enabler (for the sake of the kids). After finally finding this forum and the plans, I'm now at the stage where I need to bring in one of her trusted friends to help break this thing off--- however I don't know what to ask her to do. I plan on laying everything out for 'Sadie', and that I love my wife dearly, I just hate her addiction. What can Sadie do to bring my wife to her senses? (There is some distance involved, so it's going to be over the phone.)

Thank you so much for all the good you folks do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can have Sadie tell her that no one will accept the OM in their presence. If she doesn't listen to Sadie, then you will expose the affair to her family and other friends. And to the OM's family. Make it uncomfortable for them to continue.

Is your wife a SAHM? If so, cut off financial access to this OM.


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## CallMeDan (Feb 27, 2011)

turnera said:


> You can have Sadie tell her that no one will accept the OM in their presence. If she doesn't listen to Sadie, then you will expose the affair to her family and other friends. And to the OM's family. Make it uncomfortable for them to continue.
> 
> Is your wife a SAHM? If so, cut off financial access to this OM.


What is a 'SAHM'?
The OM is a) unattached and estranged from his family b) across the country (she actually hasn't laid eyes on him in 25 years) c) a REAL piece of work (multiple marriages, drug and alcohol addiction that my wife supposedly 'helped him through'...'saving his life'... blah, blah, blech. He's supposedly wanted on bigamy charges in Virginia. (Yes, I've emailed the U.S. Marshall's office with all the info I have on him).

It's an addiction; that's all it can be. We just need to break that and rebuild... or restart... our marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SAHM = stay at home mom; i.e., you provide all the income

Is she aware of the bigamy charges?


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## CallMeDan (Feb 27, 2011)

turnera said:


> SAHM = stay at home mom; i.e., you provide all the income
> 
> Is she aware of the bigamy charges?


She works as a substitute teacher (income yes, regular... not so much). She's aware of all this, she's TOLD me most of it as a sign that she is doing OM so much good and reforming him.

Needless to say, I'm skeptical.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

You must end it quickly. My wife found her 10th grade boyfriend on F*ckbook. He was across the country, happily married with a kid and assured me I had nothing to worry about. 11 months later, after I confronted her with my suspicions, she revealed that he had come into town, they met and were "physical". I told her we were going to get a divorce. The next day, she attempted suicide. 70 days in rehab and $70,000+++ later, we're working things out!

Never again would I stand by and let my wife have any kind of relationship with another man, no matter how "plutonic", "friendly" or otherwise! NOTHING GOOD WILL EVER COME OF THAT!!!!!!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing you can do while you're waiting to bust the affair is to start meeting the main Emotional Need that HE has started meeting for her - conversation. And probably sympathy (listening to her, acknowledging whatever she feels she's missing out on, etc.). And maybe a little mystery. SAHMs (yours qualifies) often start feeling like they gave up their 'life' for this drudgery and they'll never be swept off their feet. Along comes some schmuck with the b*lls to start sweeping, and guess who she's attracted to? Not the steady, loving, dependable husband - she KNOWS he'll be there no matter what. What SHE wants is to have a guy take her breath away. And a jerk gutsy enough to flirt with a married woman...well, that's a bad boy, isn't it? THAT is exciting. It's psychological.

So, get your proof, find out where he is so you can contact his family and tell them to keep him away from your wife while you contact HER family and tell them what's going on and ask for their help. Start meeting her ENs and not badmouthing her. And tell her you will not accept her maintaining a friendship with another man - not unless you're included in the conversation. If she balks, welcome her to leave - WITHOUT your children. This is where you're going to have to be firm - loving but firm. You will NOT accept a third person in your marriage and you can't care less if he is 'just a friend.' He has no place in YOUR marriage, and she's welcome to leave your marriage to have him, but the kids stay with you. 

She NEEDS to see this side of you. TRUST ME. If you don't do this fast, firm, and NOW, you won't save your marriage.


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## CallMeDan (Feb 27, 2011)

turnera said:


> One thing you can do while you're waiting to bust the affair is to start meeting the main Emotional Need that HE has started meeting for her - conversation. And probably sympathy (listening to her, acknowledging whatever she feels she's missing out on, etc.). And maybe a little mystery. SAHMs (yours qualifies) often start feeling like they gave up their 'life' for this drudgery and they'll never be swept off their feet. Along comes some schmuck with the b*lls to start sweeping, and guess who she's attracted to? Not the steady, loving, dependable husband - she KNOWS he'll be there no matter what. What SHE wants is to have a guy take her breath away. And a jerk gutsy enough to flirt with a married woman...well, that's a bad boy, isn't it? THAT is exciting. It's psychological.
> 
> So, get your proof, find out where he is so you can contact his family and tell them to keep him away from your wife while you contact HER family and tell them what's going on and ask for their help. Start meeting her ENs and not badmouthing her. And tell her you will not accept her maintaining a friendship with another man - not unless you're included in the conversation. If she balks, welcome her to leave - WITHOUT your children. This is where you're going to have to be firm - loving but firm. You will NOT accept a third person in your marriage and you can't care less if he is 'just a friend.' He has no place in YOUR marriage, and she's welcome to leave your marriage to have him, but the kids stay with you.
> 
> She NEEDS to see this side of you. TRUST ME. If you don't do this fast, firm, and NOW, you won't save your marriage.


She's admitted that she 'loves' him. I've been in shock, depression and what my Dr. calls an 'adjustment reaction' for 3 weeks. She maintains that she's been unhappy for the last 20 years (I screwed up a couple of things very early in our marriage, no affairs... but I was dishonest) and he 'Gets' her.

Communication has been open (in fact, it's the best it's been in years...), she does not intend to divorce, she says that our kids are her number one priority and that she'd never leave them. 

I only discovered this site and the 'plans' over the weekend. 

I have his number- would it do any good at all to call, or should I keep that close to my vest so that I can monitor what's going on?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go ahead and call him. Tell him you'll make his life miserable if he doesn't cease contact. I saw one guy once find the OM's company's website and start posting things about him - not that I advise that! Protect yourself. But make it start to 'cost more' to keep talking to her than she is worth to him.

And get the book Surviving An Affair and start reading. What she is telling you is PURE CRAP. It's called 'rewriting history' - all cheaters do it; it's how they justify cheating: "We have always been miserable; that's the only reason I started talking to John." Ignore it all. Do NOT talk relationship to her right now. DO tell her that you expect her to stop communicating with him while married to you. If she refuses, call her family and tell them she's cheating on you and you need their help.


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## singlelanetraffic (Mar 1, 2011)

CallMeDan said:


> She's admitted that she 'loves' him. I've been in shock, depression and what my Dr. calls an 'adjustment reaction' for 3 weeks. She maintains that she's been unhappy for the last 20 years (I screwed up a couple of things very early in our marriage, no affairs... but I was dishonest) and he 'Gets' her.
> 
> Communication has been open (in fact, it's the best it's been in years...), she does not intend to divorce, she says that our kids are her number one priority and that she'd never leave them.
> 
> ...



CallMeDan,

My wife was involved in an EA for about 10-months with a guy she worked with. Do some reading on the affair fog as I can say that it is a very real part of these circumstances. You will probably see that the WS often say very similar things: I never loved you, you did this and that, our marriage was never right, etc. These are all ways that they justify their actions when they are in the fog. My suggestion would be to stand up for your M while being in control of the situation. Do 'out' the affair to those whom you think will be supportive of your marriage but do so in a way that will not further push your wife away. For example, do not out her to her best friend or attempt to get people on your side. Part of the allure of an A is that they are secretive - take that away and the fog may start to lift. 

Be aware though that the fog will onkly lift given time and no contact with the OM. Your W needs to initiate and maintain no contact from this point forward, for ever. This is a critical step. She has write a note, email, etc. that states that she will no longer have any contact with the OM and you need to be in the loop - be cc'd on the email etc. Be warned that your wife may sink into a deep depression and it will take all of your strength to support her, if you can, while you know that she is depressed over losing the OM. This will be a terrible place for you to be in.

You will also likely need to go to MC once she is out of the fog, and only once she out of the fog. It is not a really good idea, IMO, to go through MC when your W isn't really there. 

Start by having her initiate NC and be firm with her sticking to it. Stay in the family home. Be the best H you can be and do things for yourself.


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## CallMeDan (Feb 27, 2011)

'Surviving an Affair' is headed to my Kindle right now. Thanks.

I'm contacting the Federal Marshals in his area right now. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing if he's in the NCIC (the database of fleeing felons that states want extradited). 

I imagine an arrest and 2-10 years in state lockup would shut him up.

That said, though- I wish I could be sure that he's in the database.
Anybody got connections? 

(I mean the above as a joke. I don't want anybody breaking the law on my behalf)


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Before outing the affair if you have some amails or some evidence, and he knows you have it and is affriad of the exposure. You might be able to get him to break it off with your wife with out her even knowing it.

What I'm suggesting is that if you can find more about the OM his parents, wife, GF brother and or sister. Contact him with the evidence, and let him know if he break up with your wife, and never discusses the conversation the two of you had. If your wife ver found out or id some one else tell your wife about this talk you will expose the evidence.


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## CallMeDan (Feb 27, 2011)

@the guy- I wish I had that kind of info/leverage. He is estranged from his family; there aren't any relatives that would or could reach him. The only relative he's in touch with at all is his 11 year old daughter- and even if I could contact her, I wouldn't. But thanks for the suggestions!

I Just spoke with Sadie- she was shocked, horrified and disgusted by W.'s behavior. She is preparing to call W, and spell things out in excruciating detail. As she does this, I'd like to ask for your prayers that this talk will help W. to start to see her way clear of the fog. If you don't pray, send positive vibes in this direction, please.

Thank you everyone.


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