# Sex only to make me happy



## RandomMaleUser (Jan 29, 2011)

Howdy all,

This is a big step for me, so please be gentle. I don't know who to talk to, so I thought I would rely on total strangers for advice.

OK, I have been married for 10 years. Apart from the occasional dry spell here and there, the frequency of sex has been regular (once or twice a week), but not without issue.

The problem I am having is my wife freely admits to me that the ONLY reason she has sex is to basically make me happy (but it often feels like it's just to shut me up). She even admits that if she never has sex again, it really wouldn't be a problem. While I am sure that there are many who don't see this as a bad thing, I actually find this very very hurtful. I want sex to be something that we mutually enjoy and desire. There is no physical issues, we both reach climax most of the time, but when I ask if she enjoyed it, I usually get a half arsed response. Tonight we even had a semi argument about it and in the heat of the moment I said that I might as well go to a pro. Her response was "how would that be any better", to which I responded "there would be the same level of emotional attachment". This reply didn't seem to phase or bother her.

Am I being stupid and expecting too much? Why do I feel SOOO hurt?


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

Sorry about this immensely frustrating problem.

I think the only way to address this is through a great deal of open communication....possibly with a therapist.

If this wasn't bothering you a great deal, you would not be here.

ADDRESS THIS or it can lead to MUCH bigger problems.


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## RandomMaleUser (Jan 29, 2011)

Yes, I have had a bit of a read and can see that it is a recurring thread. It still doesn't help! I suppose I just needed to vent.

The thing that gets me is that pretty much everything else about our relationship is pretty damn good. We have and both love our children, we don't have financial troubles, we get on pretty well.

The other thing is I feel dirty and ashamed that I am making sex such a big issue. To her, it is a non issue, but if it heads the way I fear, it will become an issue that will only end in disaster.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

> being less available and not approaching your partner for sex.


I suspect this would only work if the wife WANTED sex, but was withholding it for her 'other' reasons.

I think this strategy would be effective IF it were just a temporary lull....and NOT a long term (YEARS LONG) issue.

This dynamic is all to common in long term relationships.

It takes a monumental effort to defeat it.

A woman must feel emotionally connected and desired to want sex.

Even if you flatter and are thoughtful, it may not be effective as this has become the norm.
The dynamic has to be new and exciting.
This can be brought about by romantic gestures.
It can ALSO be brought about if she views her spouse as an ALPHA man.
STRONG and DECISIVE are turn ons.

There are strong indications from you post that you are NOT being a STRONG alpha male.

For example....your screename RandomMale. 
You are NOT a random male......YOU ARE THE MAN....and individual.....far from random.

You asked for us to 'please be gentle'.
I don't mean to insult you, but this is wimpy. It's your internal dialogue coming out on this thread.



> Am I being stupid and expecting too much? Why do I feel SOOO hurt?


No sir, you are not stupid and you need to stop referring to yourself in this way.



> I feel dirty and ashamed that I am making sex such a big issue.


This is NOT good. You should feel PROUD that you want a good sex life with your wife. A man SHOULD want sex.....ESPECIALLY FROM HIS WIFE. Furthermore.....YOU WANT SEX.....THERE SHOULD BE NO GUILT OR BAD FEELINGS.

I have the impression that you have self esteem issues that need to be addressed. Have you considered therapy? There are MANY good books on this subject as well.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

I'm having a hard time thinking that while she does have the O, she doesn't enjoy it. Could she be faking?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Whatshisname said:


> I'm having a hard time thinking that while she does have the O, she doesn't enjoy it. Could she be faking?


My wife always had an O, and i don't think she was faking, she always seemed to enjoy the moment, but it didn't seem to make her desire it more often. I guess we looked at it differently. If we had great sex, she acted as though that should "last" a while. In other words, if we had great sex two days ago, why would I want it this soon again. I was the opposite, if we had great sex, it made me want it more often. :scratchhead:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i have given the "pull away" advice many times, because it helped me in my very similar situation with my wife. mine never openly admitted she could do without intimacy, but her actions told the story. so i quit trying so hard to meet her needs in an effort to have mine met. intimacy frequency has increased from 2-3 boring times a month to 6-8 very erotic times a month. i also took a more dominant approach during the act and she seems to really like it. slowly i realized that my approach to our sex life had not changed to adapt to changes in our lives. instead of being more dominant i had become too passive.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

It sounds like you don't tell her how HOT and SEXY she is very often. Do you hug and kiss her daily to show her how much you love her?

Try that before being less available.


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## RandomMaleUser (Jan 29, 2011)

bluesky said:


> I suspect this would only work if the wife WANTED sex, but was withholding it for her 'other' reasons.
> 
> I think this strategy would be effective IF it were just a temporary lull....and NOT a long term (YEARS LONG) issue.
> 
> ...


Thats the thing. Yes, like many, I probably don't always display the confidence I would aspire to.

But on the same breath, I am an anti-ego. I am not an alpha male and I don't ever care to be. In the same breath, I don't consider myself to be a ***** either.



Whatshisname said:


> I'm having a hard time thinking that while she does have the O, she doesn't enjoy it. Could she be faking?


Unless my wife has been hiding herself from me very carefully for the last 15 year, I also don't think that she fakes either. She has told me in the past that she has nothing to hide. The other thing is that after 15 years, you learn the physical give aways, especially when indulging in certain activities.

She does enjoy the big 'O' in the heat of the moment, but often down plays it once its all done. 



moonangel said:


> It sounds like you don't tell her how HOT and SEXY she is very often. Do you hug and kiss her daily to show her how much you love her?
> 
> Try that before being less available.


I try that often, but in the end her own self esteem issues get in the way. She never has really been into heavy make out sessions, so for her to shy away is not unusual.

Maybe its just stress, but this has been happening off and on for a few months.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

RandomMaleUser said:


> Am I being stupid and expecting too much?


not at all



> Why do I feel SOOO hurt?


because you were thinking one thing, closeness, intimacy etc, and she just threw all that in your face 
Been there, done that


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

RandomMaleUser said:


> Howdy all,
> 
> This is a big step for me, so please be gentle. I don't know who to talk to, so I thought I would rely on total strangers for advice.
> 
> ...


I don't think you are expecting too much. You are expecting what you feel is rightfully yours in marriage--a loving wife who wants to be with you. At least she gives sex to make you happy. I think that shows she is trying. Many of us, including myself, are with spouses who knows it would make us happy but does not even try often. So I think there is some hope for you. 

I'm horrible at giving advice, so I would suggest both of you going to a professional therapist to talk things over.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How old are the two of you?

Unless she has some kind of hormone issue she has a libido. Her telling you she doesn't want sex really means she doesn't want sex with you.

Is she cheating? Not saying she is. But she definitely wanted to wound you by saying that.

If I were you I would want to know why she would say what she did.

I don't agree with others who tell you that wanting to fix things is wimpy.

How you go about it could be. I think you need a candid discussion of both your needs and the help of a good marriage counselor.

I am sure she has built up resentments as do you.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I don't mean to make light of a situation that is apparently causing you stress.

But, at this point in my marriage, I would take sex any way I can get it - if only he was interested in making me happy - I'd dance a jig!

Good luck to you.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

My ex-wife said and did the same thing. Divorce resulted.

She's now with a man who weighs about 350 pounds and I am sure if he doesn't have sexual problems/impotence is around the corner. . .and I am playing the field.

This situation will evolve, with your and her intervention or not.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

RandomMale,

I have the exact same problem and I am trying to work through it. I have been told the same "nice guy" sh1t. I have been trying to pull away and it has worked to the extent that she noticed the change.

However, I still see no real desire in her for me. In some ways you are probably better off than me because mine doesn't care to do it even to make me happy (for the most part).

What I am still questioning is even if I "man up" and pull away and she still doesn't desire me or only does it to keep me happy, then what? Do I really want to be there knowing she really has no desire for me???

Good luck man!


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

Star said:


> I read something in another sex thread about being less available and not approaching your partner for sex, in essense pulling away from them and waiting for them to come to you, Now I'm not normally into playing games but this is something I am giving thought to, my worry is that in doing this that sex will never happen, Have you given thought into doing this and seeing what reaction you get from your wife?


This is basically what I've done with my husband. I had a thread on my frustrations with an indifferent husband in bed and by far the greatest two opinions were he was A) tired or B) has enough sex that he doesn't have to try and therefore comes across as not caring.

So for the past week, I've not come on to him or hinted at anything and played solo. Well, a week has gone by and nothing....

So, I'm still figuring it out myself. We sound like we're in similar situations where we have it at a decent or desired frequency, but the connection is missing. I don't want casual sex with my husband, but that appears to be all I'm able to get for the time being...Sorry I can't be of more help, just know I'm in the same situation as you are, but I'm a female so it's not just a guy thing you're going through.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I don't mean to make light of a situation that is apparently causing you stress.
> 
> But, at this point in my marriage, I would take sex any way I can get it - if only he was interested in making me happy - I'd dance a jig!
> 
> Good luck to you.


Agree. I was so sex-starved that I would have taken it any way I could get it.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

tattoomommy said:


> This is basically what I've done with my husband. I had a thread on my frustrations with an indifferent husband in bed and by far the greatest two opinions were he was A) tired or B) has enough sex that he doesn't have to try and therefore comes across as not caring.
> 
> *So for the past week, I've not come on to him or hinted at anything and played solo. Well, a week has gone by and nothing....*
> 
> So, I'm still figuring it out myself. We sound like we're in similar situations where we have it at a decent or desired frequency, but the connection is missing. I don't want casual sex with my husband, but that appears to be all I'm able to get for the time being...Sorry I can't be of more help, just know I'm in the same situation as you are, but I'm a female so it's not just a guy thing you're going through.


I've done the same thing with my husband (who also has reasons for not wanting sex) and he did not respond. I wonder if this sort of thing only works on women who don't want sex.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I see how totally unOk it would be to be in the situation in which desire is lacking. But it seems like such a sticky wicket. What is she supposed to DO other than she is if she doesn't feel the need herself? Where is she supposed to get it?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You might just want to temper your expectations. She's not turning you down, she just doesn't desire sex. I know it's a blow to your ego, but c'mon, is it worth creating an issue around. That's what women do!

Maybe this is a love languages thing. Yours is physical touch, her's isn't. My wife really likes acts of service and being given alone time. Neither of those I percieve as particularly loving, but I'm happy to do them if it makes HER feel good. Me, I like to get laid, so if you has sex to make me feel good, it isn't charity, it's a loving action on her behalf.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom and seeking sanity,

I don't know, it is a dilemma. I guess it is a fine line between doing it out of love and doing it out of some perceived obligation.


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## MrsT (Feb 2, 2011)

I'm on the other end. I'm a wife who always says 'yes', though my hubby knows I'd rather never have to have sex again. At least your wife enjoys it. 

I think you should appreciate the fact that she doesn't say no, and stop overthinking the rest. She says yes to sex because she cares about your needs, though her libido has run off. 

I get so angry with my husband for arguing with me about my lack of libido. It's not like I can do anything about it, and I feel like I'm sacrificing a lot with my effort to 'never say no'. I do it for him, and he has no right to tell me it's not enough.

I guess I wish my husband cared more about me than he does about sex.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Are you talking to me or the OP? If you are talking to me, my wife says no often, either verbally or non-verbally.


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## MrsT (Feb 2, 2011)

Sorry, I was just answering the original post. 

I get why it's frustrating to guys, but it's extremely frustrating to girls, too. If I could turn on my libido, I would.

I always say yes, because, frankly, if I start saying no I'm afraid I won't be able to stop. And my hubby keeps dropping lovely hints about affairs and divorce if he had to put up with no sex... Sigh.


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

I read these threads thousands of times on the Internet: "My wife isn't interested in sex and turns me down."

I think changing anyone like this would be next to impossible. 

You can divorce and find a highly sexed woman, but that would only solve THAT issue, and sex is not everything. It may seem like it is to you, but it isn't. If you get along with your wife every other way and are best friends, I would not advise you cheating because of this. 

Look at it like this: you're still getting it twice a week, which is more than most people. It's not mind-blowing sex, but it's still better than nothing. 

As a woman, I have NO understanding of this. There have been times in my marriage when I didn't feel like sex (and I have pretty high drive). I never say "no" to my husband at such times. I let him have his way, I don't O, but I still enjoy it and feel glad he's happy and got off. All these women declining are selfish or clueless. Even if they have NO drive, they can accomodate their man.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I recently went through a long dry spell w/my husband and I can certainly sympathize with all of you. I began to feel like his mother rather than a wife. I don't want to be his mother. It is so frustrating and I feel for each and every one of you. I finally convinced my husband to see his doctor and he had low T and is now on shots. It's made a world of difference. Thank God.


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

Good news, Karole! My hubby is also on shots now. I really feel for the countless women here with low-drive husbands. They need to get their partners to a doctor for a blood test. It won't just change their libido, it changes their mood, strength level and general outlook.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

RandomMaleUser said:


> Thats the thing. Yes, like many, I probably don't always display the confidence I would aspire to.
> 
> But on the same breath, I am an anti-ego. I am not an alpha male and I don't ever care to be. In the same breath, I don't consider myself to be a ***** either.
> 
> ...



Dude, she's using sex as control, even if it's in a very passive way. If she truly is just doing it to make you happy, and you aren't happy, then she's not doing it right. 

My advice? The pull-away can work, but only in some cases. In your case I think the pull-away is just the start. Start making yourself visibly absent in her life to the point where it starts to alarm her. Make her nervous, dude. In essence, fake an affair.

Sure, sure, affairs are ugly, last-ditch things that almost inevitably lead to worse situations than the ones you are fleeing. But you can get some of the beneficial effect of having an affair without the moral issues involved by just faking one.

Firstly, stop asking for sex . . . at all.

Secondly, buy new underwear. Every Cosmo article about "7 Ways To Tell If He's Having An Affair" lists "he buys new underwear". But there's no law against you buying new underwear. And believe me, she'll notice. Heck, change styles radically -- if you're a briefs man, go boxers. If you like boxers, go bikini. And when she asks, just shrug and say you're experimenting. Believe me, she'll wonder.

Then start getting mysterious calls at all hours, and take them in private. There are a lot of ways you can arrange this, from having your best friend call at a pre-conceived time to getting a family member to call. Delete the calls from your history immediately, and when she asks, tell the truth and say you were just talking to X about Y. Play it off like it's no big deal, which it is, since dudes don't call each other in the middle of the night to talk about their feelings. In fact, the only time a guy talks on the phone for an extended period of time is where there's a woman involved. If you want to double down on this, then instantly after the phone call grab your jacket and mention that you're going down to the (sports bar, pool hall, etc.) to have a drink, and you'll be back in a few hours. Then go exactly where you said you would, and do exactly what you said you'd do.

Leave your wedding ring on the bathroom counter "accidentally". 3 or 4 times.

Go get a haircut, a radical but stylish departure from your norm. If you have facial hair, shave it unexpectedly. If you don't grow it. If she complains, blow her off -- it's your face, and if you aren't using it on her private parts she doesn't have a right to complain. 

Start looking at new cars. On the internet. Order some brochures. Take some test drives, even. But don't make a big deal out of it. She's doing that for you.

Go to the Public Library after work and turn off your phone. Read for pleasure for two hours, then go home and tell your wife the absolute truth. 

Plan and take a trip at least two hours away ostensibly to go see something that interests you -- civil war battlefield, rodeo, aquarium -- and then do exactly that. Without your wife. Leave your cell phone off, too.

A couple of weeks or months of this kind of mysterious behavior, and she's going to be squirming -- because every woman in her life is going to be screaming at her because you're OBVIOUSLY having an affair. 

Buy your mother (or aunt, sister, etc.) flowers for no reason, or maybe make one up. Pay cash. But then leave the receipt lying around where you know she'll find it. If she asks, tell her the truth. She'll think you're lying. She'll be beside herself with concern and anger and all those passionate emotions that arise when a woman believes her security is being threatened. When she tries to bust you on it, deny it strenuously. 

Heck, the more you deny it, the more she'll believe it's true. She'll search your computer and your wallet and your car when you aren't around, desperate for proof of this mysterious other woman. Call her sister out of the blue, just to talk, and she'll think it's her. Smile at your neighbor, and she'll think it's her. She might even go all Veronica Mars on you, which is great: the more emotional investments she puts into the idea that you're having an affair, the better.

She'll try to use sex as a lifeline, then. That's when you have the first big choice to make. Because you could cash in for one night of hot sex, or trade it for far more regular hot sex in the future. If you capitulate too easily, then she'll maintain the control. She'll offer it to you, wave it under your nose to see if you're still interested. 

Of course you are, but you can't act like it. Be reluctant about it, almost discouraging . . . then give in, which almost makes her think that maybe everything was just her imagination . . . when you try something so far outside of your sexual repertoire that she nearly freaks out on you. I mean, make her eyes go wide -- if she doesn't like back-door play, then try that. If she doesn't like oral, try that. If she's never been open to bondage, try that. Sure, she'll freak, but if she does just accept it and move on. But you've established even more firmly in her mind

Finally, when she's so torqued up she might burst, it's time for the "reveal": make reservations (for two, under your married name) at an out-of-the-way hotel after contriving some good excuse why you'll have to be out of town. MAKE SURE SHE "DISCOVERS" EXACTLY WHEN AND WHERE! If you've done your job right, then she's going to be ready to confront you and your mystery woman, she'll follow you and she'll pounce.

And that's when you have her.

Leave a note at the front desk for her -- tell the clerk that your wife will be joining you, and have him give her the note with the key. She'll of course be thinking the note is for your "mistress", and will read it looking for signs of proof.

In the note tell her ("your mistress") that you're waiting in the room, naked, and that if she finally wants to confirm her love for you, all she has to do is come in and give herself to you utterly. Your wife will run to the room to bust you, of course.

Only there's nothing to bust. No woman. No mistress. No affair. Admit that you faked it, and prove it if necessary. But make sure you tell her during the crying fight that she's going to have that a) you could easily have had an affair and b) that's still a possibility if you don't see an improvement in your sex life and c) you still love her dearly, enough to go to these drastic lengths to help save the marriage but d) if she really, really wants you, she's going to have to fight for you. That means having -- and enjoying -- sex with you without the controlling behavior. 

You can use endless variations of the above, but the upshot is if you don't assert yourself and tacitly threaten the relationship, you can just get used to the same old thing for the rest of your life.

And for those of you who are sputtering about "love isn't a game", I respectfully disagree. Love is a game. And if you don't see it that way, it's a game you're losing.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Try turning this around:



Sierra61 said:


> Look at it like this: you're still getting it twice a week, which is more than most people. It's not mind-blowing sex, but it's still better than nothing.


If you only got non-sexual intimacy (a hug, peck on the cheek, watching Grey's Anatomy with you without a gun to his head) that often, most women would be thinking it was the sign of an emotionally distant or socially bankrupt man who doesn't really love you. They'd drag his butt to MC in a heartbeat. Go six months without it, and they'd be in the pit of depression and feeling like a failure..

I mean, what would my wife say if she complained that I only took her out when obligated by an anniversary -- and I told her she should be grateful, that it was "better than nothing"? and she should be content? I'd get a clout in the teeth -- and would deserve it.

I applaud your POV on this: sometimes the wife (or lesser-drive partner) just needs to shut up and take one for the team in the name of domestic harmony. But if the dude isn't happy with the situation, he has the right and the obligation to try to fix it.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

MrsT said:


> I'm on the other end. I'm a wife who always says 'yes', though my hubby knows I'd rather never have to have sex again. At least your wife enjoys it.
> 
> I think you should appreciate the fact that she doesn't say no, and stop overthinking the rest. She says yes to sex because she cares about your needs, though her libido has run off.
> 
> ...


I wish more people with your POV would post on this forum. This isn't meant as a insult or slight to the more common posters in this forum, but it does tend to be dominated by "high sex drive" spouses as opposed to yourself, who have a lower libido. Just to get a different, objective opinion to most of us on this forum who tend to climb the walls waiting for the next time our spouse will want us lol.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

IanIronwood said:


> Try turning this around:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I appreciate the OP's plight, because I fall in his camp. My wife will have sex with me fairly regularly. However, its often more out of duty than desire (its more like its always out of duty than desire lol), which often means it can be bland and routine. However, as someone else posted in this thread, you can't turn it on. I'm sure most women (or men) would flip that switch if they could. 
But there does have to be some give and take. Despite the fact that she doesn't really have the desire, he should attempt to take the perspective that she loves him enough to _do it_, because she'd rather not, *that's love*. If she just dismissed his need, that would be troublesome. _At the same time though_, she should try to spice things up for him if her libido is that low, for his sake. Again, you can't just magically have high libido or desire if it isn't there, you want it or you don't. So for his sake, and not necessarily every time they make love, spice it up, she doesn't have to go nuts and install mirrors all over the room and ceiling except where the hanging harness goes, but change it up some (if that isn't happening in their case), maybe she'll find doing something different might excite her as much as him.

*And to the OP*, I know its a blow to the ego that your partner only has sex out of duty, that doesn't make anyone feel good. But try to look at it as a act of love for you. This POV isn't easy, I still struggle with it myself. But its healthier mentally cause you can lead yourself down a long and endless road of frustration and self-pity if you don't. Plus, it won't put such a massive burden on your wife, which might let that passion come out naturally. 
You can't change other people, but you can certainly change your own perspective.


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## ThunderBritches (Dec 16, 2010)

If you don't like or want sex, do your spouse a favor and stop sucking the life out of them. 

Get up and walk away from your monitor, pack your clothes and LEAVE!

Give your spouse at least some chance for happiness for the short time they have on this planet.


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## RandomMaleUser (Jan 29, 2011)

MrsT said:


> I'm on the other end. I'm a wife who always says 'yes', though my hubby knows I'd rather never have to have sex again. At least your wife enjoys it.
> 
> I think you should appreciate the fact that she doesn't say no, and stop overthinking the rest. She says yes to sex because she cares about your needs, though her libido has run off.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. Are you sure you are not my wife?  (and I say this in a good way!)

The main difference here is that you can & have expressed your feelings. It is very hard at times for my wife to open up.

After a week, a few arguments and talks, I do have the feeling that she is similar to you. I also have the feeling that a lot of this has come down to stress. This week has seen the end (or start....) of another family issue (not a bad issue, just some big changes) that in retrospect could have more of a bearing on my wife then she would have ever admitted to and probably for a lot longer then she would admit to as well. Tonight she seems a lot happier....heck, she just flashed her boobs at me....

So thanks!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

ThunderBritches said:


> If you don't like or want sex, do your spouse a favor and stop sucking the life out of them.
> 
> Get up and walk away from your monitor, pack your clothes and LEAVE!
> 
> Give your spouse at least some chance for happiness for the short time they have on this planet.


:smthumbup:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Sierra61 said:


> Good news, Karole! My hubby is also on shots now. I really feel for the countless women here with low-drive husbands. They need to get their partners to a doctor for a blood test. It won't just change their libido, it changes their mood, strength level and general outlook.


i have suggested seeing a doctor for low drive women too, and i got blasted by a few on here. i have always believed that a low drive is likely fixed by stabalizing an imbalance that exist in a LD person. that LD person just has to care enough to get looked at


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> i have suggested seeing a doctor for low drive women too, and i got blasted by a few on here. i have always believed that a low drive is likely fixed by stabalizing an imbalance that exist in a LD person. that LD person just has to care enough to get looked at


Has there been a lot of medical research on low libido in women and how to increase it? It seems to me that many doctors just shrug off low sex drive in women as normal.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

sailorgirl said:


> Has there been a lot of medical research on low libido in women and how to increase it? It seems to me that many doctors just shrug off low sex drive in women as normal.


Actually, "female viagra" is a hot topic in pharma research right now. But female sexual response is a lot more complicated and complex than male sexual response, not to mention the additional hormonal factors, so progress has been slow -- and plenty of feminist-oriented scholars have raged against even looking into such a thing as an attempt to over-sexualize women, commercialize desire, etc. etc.

Ironically, the problems of desire in most women aren't medical, they're psychological. Cultural stigmas about sexuality and the pressure of judgement by her peers for overly sexual behavior, coupled with poor early sexual experiences and sometimes religiously-based shame issues have ingrained the "good wife/bad ****" dichotomy into the souls of American women.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

ThunderBritches said:


> If you don't like or want sex, do your spouse a favor and stop sucking the life out of them.
> 
> Get up and walk away from your monitor, pack your clothes and LEAVE!


Huh. And what do YOU say when your wife says you just want me for sex.

Life happens, including periods of decreased libido. If you can't allow for that, don't get married.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Huh. And what do YOU say when your wife says you just want me for sex.


"That's an unfair an inaccurate conclusion designed to shame me, and I don't have to accept it. If the fact I married you and have built a life together isn't proof enough of my commitment to you, then perhaps there are greater issues in this relationship. The fact is, you knew I had a penis when we got married, you knew I expected to use it, and you knew how important it was to me. While I'm too gracious to threaten to cheat, I would point out that it's never been easier for a man to do so, and that there are plenty of women out there who would kill for a man's sexual attention -- even the sorry sack you married, who apparently _isn't _inspiring or compelling enough to gain his wife's erotic attention powerfully enough to drag her from the no doubt world-shattering list of things-far-more-important-than-my-husband's-sexual-needs long enough to give him the slightest bit of comfort or solace. Use it or lose it, Honey. If you ain't doing it, don't think there aren't unpleasant alternatives. And if you don't like that idea, then consider how much easier it would be to just GET OVER the idea that all sex has to be the total union of body, soul and spirit and understand that a quick handjob in the shower will go a helluva long way to shutting me up about this. Now, can we get on with this, or shall we continue the discussion in counseling? Dear?"


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## midlifecrisis (Jan 30, 2011)

Wow! I seem to be on the other end of the spectrum. I'm the wife! Let me see if I can shed some light here. I used to have sex with my husband just for him! The reason being, he never bothered to get me off. He would get his release, and then he was "Done". You don't sound your situation is the same, but let me ask you this. Is there something SHE would like to try that is a little out of the ordinary? I recently realized that I need a "DOMINANT" man to get me off. My husband is not him, unfortunately. I think there's a part of her that needs something "different". Just my opinion.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

midlifecrisis said:


> Wow! I seem to be on the other end of the spectrum. I'm the wife! Let me see if I can shed some light here. I used to have sex with my husband just for him! The reason being, he never bothered to get me off. He would get his release, and then he was "Done". You don't sound your situation is the same, but let me ask you this. Is there something SHE would like to try that is a little out of the ordinary? I recently realized that I need a "DOMINANT" man to get me off. My husband is not him, unfortunately. I think there's a part of her that needs something "different". Just my opinion.


Did he know how to get you off? He might have just been ignorant.


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## jpd (Feb 8, 2011)

Sierra61 said:


> I read these threads thousands of times on the Internet: "My wife isn't interested in sex and turns me down."
> 
> As a woman, I have NO understanding of this. There have been times in my marriage when I didn't feel like sex (and I have pretty high drive). I never say "no" to my husband at such times. I let him have his way, I don't O, but I still enjoy it and feel glad he's happy and got off. All these women declining are selfish or clueless. Even if they have NO drive, they can accomodate their man.


Thats love!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> "That's an unfair an inaccurate conclusion designed to shame me, and I don't have to accept it. If the fact I married you and have built a life together isn't proof enough of my commitment to you, then perhaps there are greater issues in this relationship. The fact is, you knew I had a penis when we got married, you knew I expected to use it, and you knew how important it was to me. While I'm too gracious to threaten to cheat, I would point out that it's never been easier for a man to do so, and that there are plenty of women out there who would kill for a man's sexual attention -- even the sorry sack you married, who apparently _isn't _inspiring or compelling enough to gain his wife's erotic attention powerfully enough to drag her from the no doubt world-shattering list of things-far-more-important-than-my-husband's-sexual-needs long enough to give him the slightest bit of comfort or solace. Use it or lose it, Honey. If you ain't doing it, don't think there aren't unpleasant alternatives. And if you don't like that idea, then consider how much easier it would be to just GET OVER the idea that all sex has to be the total union of body, soul and spirit and understand that a quick handjob in the shower will go a helluva long way to shutting me up about this. Now, can we get on with this, or shall we continue the discussion in counseling? Dear?"


My wife used that "all you want me for is sex" too. I'm sure it seemed that way, because I was starved to death. I didn't marry for sex, I married because I loved her and wanted a long, happy life with her, but I certainly thought sex was part of the package. To be honest, I didn't give the frequency of sex much thought when I married; I just thought it was something that all normal couples who were in love desired on a regular basis.

I realize there are many reasons for a low sex drive, and I would have been willing to have discussed and addressed them. It would have helped to have been given an honest reason, or to just say "I don't know, but I'll try to find out," but to justify her low sex drive by acting as though I were a sexual nut for wanting a sex life with my wife was very tiring.

I agree too that sex doesn't always have to be mind-blowing for me. A hand job, even with her clothes on, went a long way when I was starving.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> Actually, "female viagra" is a hot topic in pharma research right now. But female sexual response is a lot more complicated and complex than male sexual response, not to mention the additional hormonal factors, so progress has been slow -- and plenty of feminist-oriented scholars have raged against even looking into such a thing as an attempt to over-sexualize women, commercialize desire, etc. etc.
> 
> Ironically, the problems of desire in most women aren't medical, they're psychological. Cultural stigmas about sexuality and the pressure of judgement by her peers for overly sexual behavior, coupled with poor early sexual experiences and sometimes religiously-based shame issues have ingrained the "good wife/bad ****" dichotomy into the souls of American women.


Or it could be he hasn't made a "new move" sexually since the Clinton administration. The same old same old just becomes old. Yes, it goes both ways boys.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Hey, I'm doing my part. I watch a lot of porn.


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## midlifecrisis (Jan 30, 2011)

Did he know how to get you off? He might have just been ignorant. 

After realizing what it was I needed, I tried conveying it to him. It's just not in his nature to be "dominant" in any aspect of his life, so, it's not working for us. I think hes decided that I'm not ever going to "get off", so he takes his own pleasure. It's hard being in a marriage with someone you love and care about, but the sex part has never been and will never be there.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree you cannot force yourself to feel lust. Nor can/should you fake it. That said if you truly love your partner you come to bed with a loving heart, the sincere desire to please them AND the ability to take joy in making them happy. 

Radiating indifference is a very cold and hurtful thing to do. 




vthomeschoolmom said:


> I see how totally unOk it would be to be in the situation in which desire is lacking. But it seems like such a sticky wicket. What is she supposed to DO other than she is if she doesn't feel the need herself? Where is she supposed to get it?


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## LuvMyHubby (Feb 2, 2010)

RandomMaleUser said:


> Howdy all,
> 
> This is a big step for me, so please be gentle. I don't know who to talk to, so I thought I would rely on total strangers for advice.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvMyHubby (Feb 2, 2010)

Obviously there have been quite a few responses but basically, I am your wife. Not literally of course. My husband and I are having some serious problems because of this. Bottom line, I DO NOT have the sex drive he has. Period. The amazing thing to me is that we literally have sex every day, I give him oral sex several times a week and recently, I've let him do some other things that I REALLY don't want to be doing. I do all this, not because I really feel the drive to, but because I love him and want him to be happy. But still he complains. Look your wife probably will never have the same sex drive you do but that doesn't mean she doesnt love you. It means she expresses her love differently. My husband and I may not overcome this because he insists that I'm just not "clicking" with him. That's just an excuse. He says the same thing as you. "Oh your a great Mom, and we have a great life together, but......" I'm saying this to you because maybe it will help. You need to figure out what makes your wife feel loved (because it obviously isn't sex - and there is nothing wrong with her because of that) and work on that. My husband has essentially reduced me to a co-dependent mess because I've NEVER been able to live up to his expectations. I'm just now starting to understand that I never will. The problem lies just as much with unrealistic expectations you place on your wife. She obviously loves you and you love her. At some point I would suggest you accept that you are different people and try to find a happy middle ground.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> You might just want to temper your expectations. She's not turning you down, she just doesn't desire sex. I know it's a blow to your ego, but c'mon, is it worth creating an issue around. That's what women do!
> 
> Maybe this is a love languages thing. Yours is physical touch, her's isn't. My wife really likes acts of service and being given alone time. Neither of those I percieve as particularly loving, but I'm happy to do them if it makes HER feel good. Me, I like to get laid, so if you has sex to make me feel good, it isn't charity, it's a loving action on her behalf.


I think this is so true - my desire is lower than my h, about 60% of the time we have to coax my desire to life then the arousal comes and we are off to the races. The fact that I don't feel the same level of desire as he does not mean I don't love him or find him attractive. It just me, that's how it works. We talked about the differences in our drive many times, the solution is that he understand that I need to be warmed up and it has nothing to do with his lack of sexual appeal for me. 

I feel it is an act of love, on his part because he has made the difficult step of understanding and working it out and me because I refuse to be lazy but take the extra step toactivly work on desire instead of waiting for it to appear spontaneously. OP it may help to read books on the differences between male and female sexuality so that you don't take her lack of desire as a rejection. She loves you and she has the best kind of desire, the desire to meet your needs regardless of her spontaneous desire. That's wonderful, you do things for her I bet you would rather not but you do it for her and enjoy seeing her happy just because you are with her. It's the same thing. It's an act of love take it with both hands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> I feel it is an act of love, on his part because he has made the difficult step of understanding and working it out and me because I refuse to be lazy but take the extra step to activly work on desire instead of waiting for it to appear spontaneously. OP it may help to read books on the differences between male and female sexuality so that you don't take her lack of desire as a rejection. She loves you and she has the best kind of desire, the desire to meet your needs regardless of her spontaneous desire. That's wonderful, you do things for her I bet you would rather not but you do it for her and enjoy seeing her happy just because you are with her. It's the same thing. It's an act of love take it with both hands.


 I so agree with all of this and this way of looking at it will save many marraiges :iagree::iagree::iagree:

As my husband has gotten older, My sexual desire has surpassed his and I became very very hung up on wanting him to feel that "selfish arousing LUST" that he did more so in his youth, that needing of me right here, right now, that animalistic prowlness. These things became my fantasies. My mind would start interferring -to the point of convincing myself he doesn't desire me like he used too -because he was not feeling it before we got into it, that he needed a Jump start. I was going overboard with this though, as he was always happy to be aroused and once I got him there, as excited and in the MOMENT as me- in all its fullfillment & glorious climax. 

But I have to be honest, for me personally , if I felt at any time he was just going along -*all *for me, and he had no interest, didn't need sex, if he was not enjoying himself, it would destroy ME. I am just not the type of person who could deal with that. Masterbating alone would be better than that, even a hot fling would be more fullfilling. I need MORE from my partner, some things are monumentally important to some of us and this would be on my top 10 list of things in life. 

I need to know from the bottom of my being I am giving him pleasure and I also need to know he desires to be there giving to me. Who is aroused more or less at the onstart is not important, this I learned. 

It really does come down to LOVE for your partner though, if they love you, they will always be happy to please you, and this will be reflected in their words and their attitudes.


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## Zerosum (Feb 14, 2011)

Star said:


> I read something in another sex thread about being less available and not approaching your partner for sex, in essense pulling away from them and waiting for them to come to you, Now I'm not normally into playing games but this is something I am giving thought to, my worry is that in doing this that sex will never happen, Have you given thought into doing this and seeing what reaction you get from your wife?


I've tried this very thing: simply no longer initiating sex and waiting for her to come to me. It was the only way for me to gauge her actual sex drive. In a nutshell, months would go by without her even noticing. It would always be me who "caved" first.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

LuvMyHubby said:


> Obviously there have been quite a few responses but basically, I am your wife. Not literally of course. My husband and I are having some serious problems because of this. Bottom line, I DO NOT have the sex drive he has. Period. The amazing thing to me is that we literally have sex every day, I give him oral sex several times a week and recently, I've let him do some other things that I REALLY don't want to be doing. I do all this, not because I really feel the drive to, but because I love him and want him to be happy. But still he complains. Look your wife probably will never have the same sex drive you do but that doesn't mean she doesnt love you. It means she expresses her love differently. My husband and I may not overcome this because he insists that I'm just not "clicking" with him. That's just an excuse. He says the same thing as you. "Oh your a great Mom, and we have a great life together, but......" I'm saying this to you because maybe it will help. You need to figure out what makes your wife feel loved (because it obviously isn't sex - and there is nothing wrong with her because of that) and work on that. My husband has essentially reduced me to a co-dependent mess because I've NEVER been able to live up to his expectations. I'm just now starting to understand that I never will. The problem lies just as much with unrealistic expectations you place on your wife. She obviously loves you and you love her. At some point I would suggest you accept that you are different people and try to find a happy middle ground.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


what is unrealistic about wanting to share an intimate and passionate experience with the one you have committed your life to? what is unrealistic about wanting your spouse to want you?

i applaud you for making an effort in your own situation, i will also say most spouses can see service sex for what it is.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

I recently had the same problem with my wife. We didn't do it enough and at times she just did it to shut me up.

After some marriage counseling, we found out my Wife didn't have sexual desire because of an emotional disconnect.

She wasn't there for me sexually, because I wasn't there for her emotionally. So we both had to work at it, she had to have sex more and I had to spend more time with her.

At first it was not working, she needed time she said. So basically I had to change and wait for her to change. I told her that was BS, and there was no way I was changing if she wasn't. Since then sex has been great.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> Dude, she's using sex as control, even if it's in a very passive way. If she truly is just doing it to make you happy, and you aren't happy, then she's not doing it right.
> 
> My advice? The pull-away can work, but only in some cases. In your case I think the pull-away is just the start. Start making yourself visibly absent in her life to the point where it starts to alarm her. Make her nervous, dude. In essence, fake an affair.
> 
> ...


:rofl: I'm dying. It will probably work though. There's nothing like coming home at 10pm, hop straight in the shower and see what it does to the old lady.


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