# i'm ambitious, he's...less ambitious.



## waterlily (Sep 29, 2011)

Hello all-thanks for your time!

My BF have been together for four years and have lived together ~3. We get along and have fun together, he is truly accepting and supportive of me and I love him immensely. We have the exact same interests are far as fun/leisure go. My concerns are our differing levels of ambition and drive- professionally, educationally, and otherwise. I fear that it will be a recurring issue should we chose to get married (which we talk about frequently).

The short story:

I work/school/intern over 50 hrs a week, while he works 20. Yet somehow I still do everything (and make more money)! He didn’t finish college, I’m finishing my masters and considering a Phd. I have lots of goal and ambitions professionally; he has a few vague ideas, and doesn’t act to make any of them happen. It comes to a head I’m trying to upgrade in life and he’s lagging behind. I’m afraid if we get married this will just continue. Basically I can’t have him at home relaxing while I bust my ass forever. He’s active and a genuinely good guy (works out a lot, is social, does things when asked, is super fun, everyone loves him, etc); he’s not just a big void of a person, but he’s not inclined to take initiative, least of all in his professional life. When he doesn’t pull his weight around the house either, I think about that bigger picture and get concerned. I hate that I’ve got a little seed of resentment in me… I need to figure out how to deal before it gets worse!


The long story:

I’m finishing my Masters, considering a Phd, but will be looking for a job first. I’m not into the corporate rat race at all, but I do feel significant drive to succeed professionally and follow my heart doing work I find meaningful and enjoyable. I also do not need to be rich, but I have goals (which I am confident I can achieve) of earning a decent living that will allow travel, living in a nice house, providing for myself and family without stress, etc. (pretty simple!). 

With two internships, a part time job, and full time school I’m putting in 50 hours a week before I crack a book. Meanwhile, my BF is a massage therapist who works about 20 hours a week with no other commitments. This could be great for him taking care of stuff at home, but I feel like I’m still doing the majority of the cooking, cleaning, and shopping.

I feel like this has rekindled some recurrent feelings that he simply *doesn’t do enough,* especially compared to me. He never finished college and has pretty vague goals professionally. Even at this stage, I’m making more money by bartending on weekends than he is. I’m sympathetic to the fact that this is a poor economy, but I also feel that he does very little (or nothing) in the way of marketing himself in his current position or looking for an additional one. For example, he saw a job ad for an interesting position he would qualify for, but waited at least a week before starting to respond, at which point the position was filled.

Our relationship is generally equal, we split everyone financially so I’m by no means paying his way. But when I think about my own goals, like wanting to simply move to a larger, nicer apartment, I feel like he can’t keep up. This is where I get frustrated! Is this just right now, or this how it will be always? Lately he says he would move and could afford it…but who will apartment shop? That of course is up to me. I sometimes feel like I’m in charge of everything.

I’m proud of him for finishing massage school, and he has only been practicing for a year, so I understand I should have reasonable expectations. It is just frustrating though. I don’t want money to be important to me, but it is one piece of this puzzle. Part of is wanting him to be a grown ass man. I don’t want to be in charge of him. I’ve spent considerable time helping him with career options (career counseling happens to be one of my current internships), but I can’t put the words in his mouth or the phone in his hand. He needs to do things for himself. I think he has talent and ability, I just don’t think he knows or has the motivation to put it to use. 

If we get married, will this change or will I deal? Will I think about what it would be like to have a partner that was driven and hustling like me, and oh the places we would go??

Thanks for reading this super long post! Therapeutic just to write it out.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yes it will become even more of an issue as time passes. This is something I think about often. I suppose I am less "ambitious" than many, including my stbxw, she made sure to let me know about it. For a long time I've just assumed it was bad for me to be less so, meant I was more "beta", less confident, less energy, lower testosterone, etc. All through life I've wanted many things and more ambition would have helped me achieve them, but usually I just don't know how to get there, what to do, who to schmooze, how to schmooze them, etc. The thing is though I'm happy with who I am, and so often I think ambition is highly over-rated, that it is only a virtue in those whom are too selfish. I believe it is great to live life and have goals, and for too long I have been giving up on mine and accepting failure, however I think it can also swing too far the other way.

I also realize that for me there is so much more to why I feel the way I feel, and so I'm not going to be partisan on this issue or judge - it is possible to make corrections and changes, but we are who we are. if you are happy with who you are then great, but I would say if you are discontent with the way your BF is then either get used to it or let him go because you can't change him, nor is there anything wrong with him. Just as he probably falls into the submissive part of the nice guy too often and will miss out on some things in life, so too will the overly ambitious miss out on the simple pleasures in life.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

I definitely think you should consider this before marriage--and not just for your sake, but for his. I'm sure he's keenly aware of your thoughts on his lack of ambition, and that wouldn't feel good to anyone (even if that's what they chose as their lifestyle).

I married 2 years ago, when my hubby had no full-time job, and that was hard enough. But I can't imagine having to deal with someone who has no full-time job and *doesn't want one.* The economy is one thing, but personal drive and ambition is a whole other thing. 

I actually found that this difference in "socio economic status" most impacted my husband, not me (I was fine with it then, but realized over time that I did want a "provider" in a man). He would try to overcompensate for this inequality in our relationship in ways that were harmful. 

So basically, if you had asked me before marriage,I would have said, go for it if he loves you. But marriage is about a *LOT* more than just love.


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## crazymonkey (Aug 23, 2011)

Can tell you for sure this will be a major problem after marriage, as it is in my case. In our case roles are reversed, where he is ambitious and I am not. You can see that almost all your responses are from those who are in your boyfriend's shoes. That is not because there aren't people out there like you, but it is more because they are very confident individuals who don't feel the need for a forum like this.

Fact is these opposing feelings will develop into deeper resentment for you and low self esteem for your boyfriend as time progresses. It will be better for you reconsider the thoughts about marriage, otherwise you both will start driving each other up the wall. Your BF is not going to change as no one really changes their basic nature, from what you described he is more of a laid back individual like me and you are very driven. Even though you say that your ambitions are not unrealistic, you must be aware that they do need a lot of money to be fulfilled and you will be the primary earner in your house if you do get married. So it is really up to you to decide whether you want to build a life based on resentment where you slog for the rest of your life while you BF watches TV at home.


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## TwoDogs (Jul 29, 2011)

There's a good chance the dynamic will never change.

My SO and I are in our late forties and our situation mirrors yours. I have a graduate degree, full time job, plus do tons of volunteer work. He never finished his degree, and has a part time job (and complains about it non-stop). If he considers any other job, he immediately finds some fault with it as to why he could "never" do that type of work -- mainly he has difficulty with the idea of showing up for office hours, he currently has a sweet deal working from home. But if he had to be at work for 8:30 AM, he couldn't stay up until all hours watching TV or surfing the net.

I already know that I can't live with him; our housekeeping standards are too far apart, and in order to have a livable environment I'd have to do all the housework -- which I'd resent very quickly. I already do the bulk of the meal planning and grocery shopping despite the fact that he works less hours. Left to his own devices at meal times, he just boils up hot dogs or orders in pizza.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I was overly ambitious in my career, which was very physical and ended up leaving my body very beat up.
In this economy, many career changes will want to use you up and spit you out, so you have to be careful. Typically therapists make pretty good $$$, so as long and he's holding up his end of the deal, a little motivation for some help in the house seems like all that is needed. I wouldn't have any problems doing some cooking and cleaning if I was only working 20hrs a week.


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