# My Way or the Highway



## Antheia (Jul 5, 2010)

I'm sure this is a common problem and one that annoys many spouses. So how do you deal with a spouse who wants their own way? How much of a voice should you have? and how do you manage to get that voice without turning things into a big argument.
I really think that my spouse does not internalize the concept of compromise. To him it is either he wins or I win. 
I do speak up and I get my way when it really doesn't matter to him. For anything imoportant then he doesn't take into consideration what I want.


----------



## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

Antheia said:


> I'm sure this is a common problem and one that annoys many spouses. So how do you deal with a spouse who wants their own way? How much should you voice should you have? and how do you manage to get that voice without turning things into a big argument.
> I really think that my spouse does not internalize the concept of compromise. To him it is either he wins or I win.
> I do speak up and I get my way when it really doesn't matter to him. For anything imoportant then he doesn't take into consideration what I want.


Read some relationship books and learn how to make it work.
fix my marriage - Google Search


----------



## Antheia (Jul 5, 2010)

I'm going to bump this up because I only got one response and, with all due respect, I did not find that very helpful. "read some books"?? Really? is that the advice of the forum?


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Antheia said:


> I'm going to bump this up because I only got one response and, with all due respect, I did not find that very helpful. "read some books"?? Really? is that the advice of the forum?


What kind of things? I think it matters to some degree. Can you give us some examples?


----------



## Antheia (Jul 5, 2010)

Thanks for your responses, I appreciate it.
I'll try to give more information without being too long winded.
Examples: he will give me "projects" and be very vague about what he wants..he decided he did not like the half bath on the first floor (I did not think it was the home repair most in need of help) he took out the sink and toilet then got frustrated and said to me that I could call in a contractor and get it remodelled. I started calling contractors and when I asked for certain things in the bathroom (from the contractor) he either said he didn't want that or after the guy goes he gets moody and I have to figure out what it was I said that he doesn't agree with. It is kind of a passive aggressive controlling style.
I think that he does not really know what he wants from the beginning but wants me to do something then he will come in and say "oh I don't like that!". Some of my ideas are not very good or economical and I feel like I am his employee sometimes and he is 'assessing my work and I am found lacking'.
On another issue he wants a new roof for the house and I think the shakes will last til we sell. But he wants the new roof and got very mad at me for saying that we should not put money into that. Even though I tried to explain my reasons and discuss it he would just get mad and impatient. In those times, when he has an idea and just wants me to agree and do the legwork for him, I feel like he just wants to say to me "Shut up I don't want your opinion I know what I want, besides remember You Work For Me!"
When I have tried to talk to him about not being heard he comes out with some gobbly ****, about how I am the problem and it is my fault for all the arguments. I would dearly love to have him explain this to a 3rd party because I honestly don't understand what he is talking about ?? it goes something like this me, "I just want to have something nice in the house something that is pretty" him, "see there you go again, why do I even try" me, "I don't understand" him getting really loud and aggressive "d**n it why do I even open my mouth I should know by now WHY WHY DO I SAY ANYTHING" and I leave the room and that is pretty much it.
In his view I think he believes that he is really being patient and caring, I honestly do think that is his perception and that I am just a whiney b*tch. One of his friends once said to him that he was spoilt and I said that too to him a few weeks ago and he got really mad because he really does not think he gets his way, he is very unhappy and says he never gets what he wants.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds like what's missing is continued conversation. Enough conversation so that you iron out the details. 

Add to that that you don't have good boundaries. In this case, a boundary would be you saying "I'm going to take over remodeling the bathroom. I have 3 hours this Saturday free so we can sit down and discuss what you want to see in it. If you don't want to sit down with me, then I will move forward and choose what I like. And, if you then choose to criticize what I did, I will leave the room and not listen to you. This is your chance to have a say in how it turns out." The consequence to that boundary is to actually DO move forward and do it the way you want, and DO leave the room if he criticizes. You leaving the room is YOU showing HIM that you respect yourself too much to allow him to belittle you. 

You have to TEACH people how to treat you. This is in your hands.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with Turnera that you need better boundaries. The thing is, what do you do when you say all of the above and then the project is completed and they STILL b-tch about it?

What do you do with someone who DOES NOT respect your boundaries?



Antheia said:


> *When I have tried to talk to him about not being heard he comes out with some gobbly ****, about how I am the problem and it is my fault for all the arguments.* I would dearly love to have him explain this to a 3rd party because I honestly don't understand what he is talking about ?? it goes something like this me, "I just want to have something nice in the house something that is pretty" him, "see there you go again, why do I even try" me, "I don't understand" him getting really loud and aggressive "d**n it why do I even open my mouth I should know by now WHY WHY DO I SAY ANYTHING" and I leave the room and that is pretty much it.
> In his view I think he believes that he is really being patient and caring, I honestly do think that is his perception and that I am just a whiney b*tch.


You have you told him you feel there is a problem and it's having an adverse effect on you and the marriage and he brushes it off and/or minimizes it, pouting when you don't see his way and refusing to give an inch. Not only does he minimize your feelings, he deflects all of the blame onto you and accepts no responsibility.

This is a bad bad dynamic to have a relationship in.

It basically ends up being a one-sided relationship full of double-standards. One person gets what they want, and the other has no say. His friend's comment to me, is very telling. If other people pick up on it, then it's very apparent what he is doing. 

You need to sit down with him today and tell him straight up what the deal is. He knows what's going on, he just refuses to accept it. You have needs to and a good partner would be willing to hear you out. It sounds like he wants none of that.

Your post hits really close to home for me because my marriage was this way. No matter how much I'd try to meet him in the middle or sometimes gave in or stated that there were problems and said what my concerns were, he would never do the same for me. He even moved his family members into our home and when I got upset about this, since we'd barely discussed it, he said "Your opinion doesn't matter to me." Eventually, I left.


----------



## Antheia (Jul 5, 2010)

Turnea, I totally agree with you thank you for your response. I think I started out setting boundaries in a way similar to that but when I did the leaving the room and setting the boundry he just kept bringing the issue back up. In the case I am thinking about he kept making jabs about what the project cost and how he is not even using it. I tried to ignore it but I guess it just wore me down......again the sort of passive aggressive behaviour.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Antheia - in my marriage, my wife has always been the independent, controlling one and I have been the laid-back/"nice guy". So many times, the exact same thing would happen - she'd want me to take care of something, but it had to be done exactly her way with her contractors and her specifications... she'd want me to take the day off from work and call her any time the contractor had a question for her... it just got overwhelming.

I "woke up" eventually but I catch myself so full of resentment some days that it isn't a fun place to be. I hope you have better results than I.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then you will have to be stronger than him. It's a contest of wills. You put down the work I did, I leave the room. You bring it up again, I leave the room again. You bring it up again, I leave the house. You bring it up again, I'm going to a hotel. You bring it up again, I'm filing for divorce. Do you really want to be divorced, husband, or do you want to interact like adults? Because, currently, I'm having to treat you like a year old.


----------



## Antheia (Jul 5, 2010)

Jellybeans Turnera Acorn thanks for your responses. As I read your responses I am thinking of the other issue that is in the back of my mind always and that is I can not call his bluff. This is totally my fault I have put myself in this situation. See I moved to marry him. I quit my job and left friends and family moving to another county. Now I am in my early 50's and have not worked anything seriously for 9 years. Financially it would be very hard for me to walk away, I have no real work skills so I would be doing a MacJob if that, and yes I know and regret that stupid move. The other thing is that if I pushed him and said "I will leave" he would say "fine" cause he is that stubborn. It is what my mother called "biting off your nose to spite your face" I don't really want a divorce and I don't think he does either. I think what I have to do is slowly in small steps try to work my way out from under the control problem.
As I said before it wears you down and I guess that is my problem that I have to keep vigilant. 
Thanks for the support.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Antheia - my journey on attempting to repair my marriage started about two years ago. At first, I thought I would never leave... there were times when I almost did, but there always seemed to be enough good to keep trying. 

But over time, I think the respective journeys that people like us go through force us to look at ourselves and in time, we realize we'll be ok either way. Time is really your friend in an odd sort of way.

If you leave, I am sure that while your standard of living may drop, you will have enough support to gather yourself and make a go at life on your own.


----------



## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

I've been/am in a similar situation. On an upside, my world has changed dramatically for the better. Its still early in my marriage but so far it looks promising.

My husband wouldn't budge, wouldn't talk about it, and was moody and controlling (after we married and I moved).

Simply put, I gave up trying to change him, and I started working on how I would leave. You can too, you don't need to act but it will give you confidence to have a plan, even if that plan takes some time.

Next, I decided in my head I was now single and would act accordingly. I also went to MC, didn't hide it, asked him to come and went on my own. I stopped "working" on my husband entirely, it was now about me, LOL.

Little things that changed..

I may be home for dinner, maybe not. I did my part of the chores but stopped the "extras".

I ask him something ONCE. (wanna go to a movie? "NO"....10 minutes later I'm walking out the door for my movie

I do not let him suck me into repeating arguments, etc. If it is a subject I have already shared my opinion on, then I would tell him my stance had not changed therefore we have nothing to rehash. END of discussion.

He asks me to do things with him, or for him, I give myself the right to say NO. And without apologizing or explaining.

My hubby actually started making daily lists for me, it was humiliating, even more because he would then critique me brutally. Nothing was ever right. Last time he tried that, I read the list, told him it looked like some good stuff and handed it back to him. I told him I am busy that day and I make my own "lists", not him. End of discussion.

I will add I told him clearly I was unhappy with our marriage. He didn't ask for specifics, I didn't offer. 

I felt a bit like I was going crazy back then, these days, the same things I do NO different, he compliments me on! I'm not sure I can take credit for it all, it is clear he wants to stay married and his behavior these days is incredible by comparison.

I am still wary to be honest but my world is great these days. Recently I planned our vacation, he "let" me and had a wonderful time. He now compliments me for managing numerous things, we're collaboratively planning our future, and interestingly, he is going my way on most of it. 

But again, I am sticking to my internal "single girl" lol. The other day we were doing something physically challenging for me and he got frustrated and the attitude started, and the "critiquing" of my performance. (sigh, he's an ex-athlete)

In the past I would have let him go on, gone home or I would have pushed myself unmercifully.

Instead, I stopped him dead in his tracks, told him I was doing my best and I would not tolerate his attitude. He started justifying/denying, I don't listen to any of it these days. I told HIM to check his attitude or HE should head home, as I had a nice day ahead and I continued on my merry way. 

Shortly afterward, he's quietly right behind me, encouraging me, and later buys me dinner because he was so proud of me.

I hope some of my experiences help. My husband is very type-A and some of what I do feels rude (it would have been to my former partner) but acting more assertive has really changed our dynamic. 

Don't worry about your husband's reactions, good or bad - it is likely most of it is more bluffing than reality.

Good luck!! Leah


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So instead of banging your head against the wall that is your husband, sign up for university. It's not too late to sign up for the second summer semester. If you're not working, you should be able to finish an AA in about a year.

Wow, Leah has GREAT advice! I'm going to borrow it, too!


----------



## Antheia (Jul 5, 2010)

Leah thanks for your experience,. Yes I think you are right in standing up, and yes, I do think a lot of times that when I do it it is rude but sometimes you have to. For me it is something I have to work on about myself
Example: I mentioned that he is getting the roof replaced. Just now, a man in a black truck pulled into the driveway. DH worked nightshift last night and is still sleeping. I don't want anyone ringing the door bell or getting the dogs barking. I went outside to ask the guy what he wanted. He said he was here about the roof and I said that hubby was sleeping this was not a good time. When I said "come back in an hour or two" he did this "sigh" thing and started arguing with me. O.K. so here is where I need to be not just assertive but ratchet it up a knotch to demanding. I should have said "Look this is my home I have told you it is not a good time why can you not honor that and come back later, why do you have to argue with me". Of course if DH had heard that I told the guy to go away he would be furious and say they will never come back and why am I such a ***** to people (he always takes the other person's side in any arguement I have with someone, being my husband I would like him to support me but he always says some stranger off the street is right and I am wrong!!). So then I could have told DH to stop yelling at me, I made the best decision I could at the time and I am not going to listen to his complaints.
I am not at that point yet.
I still have work to do!!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You teach people how to treat you. If you want your husband to respect you, you have to respect yourself first. Promise yourself that you will take the FIRST opportunity this week to speak your truth. No matter what. The first time you catch him disrespecting you, answer him. Give him a 'drive-by' response and leave the room, leaving him to deal with what you said. It's very powerful.


----------



## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

Tunera is right - putting a twist on it, we are ultimately responsible for how we are treated. 

I had a career, was considered very strong and capable...and yet my husband was able to chip at my esteem. Somehow, my efforts to be a team were perceived as weak. That's what it seems like anyway. At one point he was treating me like and employee just like you described and I wanted to crawl under the carpet. The memory shames me to this day. In that moment it hit me that I haven't been spoken to like that by ANYONE. Yuck. it was not a great moment for me. 

It also hit me what I would be if this continued. Yup, me the successful woman heading into a beautiful retirement, now a "beaten down poor" woman dependent on her husband....I refuse. Still do. I'm not sure how and/or why we took such a bad turn but I'll let it be as long as it stays in the past.

Your/my husband WILL change, if he wants his marriage. And if he/mine doesn't, I figure its going to happen anyway, so why not get out in front of it? I hate being a victim 

Its a lot to wrap your head around, but JUST START. Something small, each day. They add up!! LOL.

Do something different, react different, stop worrying about him and his world. You live there too, start taking up your part of the space!

As I mentioned, my new mantra's of single girl etc. it is a silly thing but start, something small. It doesn't have to involve him even, start an evening routine of a solo walk or take a yoga class. 

LOL, my hubby started asking me if he could come along 

Go get a new hair color or cut and let that serve as a reminder of who the new you is going to be. 

Funny enough, my fear of what might end my marriage turned out to be what will likely save it. I'm very happy right now, and I have the answer I needed from my husband, he WANTS to stay married, and he's CAPABLE of change. He's waaaay happier right now too, believe me!

Best, Leah

P.S. I should note that my husband has changed but I have too, when he met me I was in the peak of my career. Perhaps I changed a bit, or was perceived as becoming "milk-toast" LOL. Perhaps he feared me becoming his ex who became overly dependent on him and a "victim" in life. My husband was attracted to that me, perhaps I needed to show him I am still that person.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Leah L said:


> I've been/am in a similar situation. On an upside, my world has changed dramatically for the better. Its still early in my marriage but so far it looks promising.
> 
> My husband wouldn't budge, wouldn't talk about it, and was moody and controlling (after we married and I moved).
> 
> ...


I certainly would not advocate this approach. The "single girls" internal attitude is not working on a marriage, it is being divorced without the piece of paper. I am glad you are apparently seeing some benefit. If this were my circumstances, I would show you the door. Rational discussion is what is called for. When the discussion leave the rational, it is time to end it to be re-discussed another time. 

Another thing to consider is that listening doesn't always mean agreeing and some decisions can't be compromised. DUring my most recent move, we had one of those. to accept the offer the real estate agent was recommending or not. There is no compromise: it is either yes or no.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

KanDo said:


> I certainly would not advocate this approach. The "single girls" internal attitude is not working on a marriage, it is being divorced without the piece of paper. I am glad you are apparently seeing some benefit. If this were my circumstances, I would show you the door. Rational discussion is what is called for. When the discussion leave the rational, it is time to end it to be re-discussed another time.


I have to say, I agree with this. Leah's story sounds wonderful, but when I read it, it sounds like the marriage started to go south when he pushed her boundaries and she didn't respond. She learned to be stronger, she respected herself more, and as a result, she became the woman hubby was attracted to in the first place. It is not a surprise to me that everyone would like things better if they were restored to the dynamic which caused them to fall for each other in the first place.

If your hubby is not attracted to these bold, alpha, independent traits... I doubt the results would be the same.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ I agree with you both. 

You need to have a talk with your husband STAT. Either he is willing to compromise with you and meet you halfway or he...isn't.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

YouTube - ‪Limp Bizkit- My Way Lyrics‬‏



> I'm sure this is a common problem and one that annoys many spouses. So how do you deal with a spouse who wants their own way? How much of a voice should you have? and how do you manage to get that voice without turning things into a big argument.
> I really think that my spouse does not internalize the concept of compromise. To him it is either he wins or I win.
> I do speak up and I get my way when it really doesn't matter to him. For anything imoportant then he doesn't take into consideration what I want.


Then prove yourself the leader, and shame him. Offer him a compromise while he's screaming his stupid lungs off over BS that he probably won't even remember in the morning. If he's going to act immature over your efforts to make things work though - CALL HIM THAT, you have no damn time for f--king kids when it comes to marriage. Hell, I married a woman 3 years older than me for a reason.


----------



## Mirrormask (Jun 15, 2011)

Antheia said:


> I'm sure this is a common problem and one that annoys many spouses. So how do you deal with a spouse who wants their own way? How much of a voice should you have? and how do you manage to get that voice without turning things into a big argument.
> I really think that my spouse does not internalize the concept of compromise. To him it is either he wins or I win.
> I do speak up and I get my way when it really doesn't matter to him. For anything imoportant then he doesn't take into consideration what I want.


Depending on the subject you will need to just let his way be the way. The man is the head of his household and his word is the final word. You can talk with him, put in your opinions and even help make decisions, but ultimately his word is final. That the way its always been, that's the way God sees it and that's even the way the law sees it. The man is the head of the household. That docent mean you have to "let" him go out and buy something you guys cant really afford or anything like that. But let him lead his household the best way he can. After all that what you want in a man correct? A Leader.

You are his equal, his companion, But your place is beside him.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lol


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Mirrormask said:


> Depending on the subject you will need to just let his way be the way. The man is the head of his household and his word is the final word. You can talk with him, put in your opinions and even help make decisions, but ultimately his word is final. That the way its always been, that's the way God sees it and that's even the way the law sees it. The man is the head of the household. You are his equal, his companion, But your place is beside him.


Where is that puking icon?


----------

