# Completely lost trust....



## Thesquarepeg (Feb 19, 2018)

I recently found out that my husband had gotten another woman’s number and was talking to her on a daily basis while away for work. She is a bartender at a bar that he went to 2-3 times a week while he was gone. And he got her number shortly after going to the bar for the first time. I asked about it, and he denied it right away. But after some digging I found her name and asked again and then he came clean about it. He says they didn’t do anything, and she is much older then him but they were texting for hours at a time when he was supposed to be working. I found out just recently and this occurred back in September-October. 

This isn’t the first time that this has happened, and there have been plenty of other questionable things that he has done. The common factor is, is that he has always been drinking or drunk when these things happen. 

I’m not sure how to proceed, because I don’t trust him at all anymore. What’s worse is that I was pregnant with our third child when this occurred. I’m at the point now, that I am questioning everything he has done in the past. Did I miss something, or give in to quickly to his reassurance that nothing happened? I’m just kind of lost. 

Any suggestions?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

My guess is, if you stay with him you are in for a wold of pain over the coming years, and you may end up divorcing him anyway. Best to get rid of him while you are still young. I stayed 12 years with my alcoholic ex, and that was 12 years too long. The best thing she ever did for me was cheating on me which gave me the impetus to get the hell out.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

The path to hope and saving this is thin but it's all on you to create the deal breakers and boundaries and you have every right and necessity to do so, especially if kids are involved it's your responsibility to look out for them to create a good environment. In short, it may seem unfair but you have to be the big person here and do the righteous work, he must to the reforming and abide by your guidelines to remain with you. 

You are right not to trust him and you shouldn't, he has given you no reason to do so and there's probably a lot more that you don't know unfortunately. You are going to get advice here on how to proceed and what further info to get in the process but the advice from me in the meantime is to start writing out your list of No-compromise DEAL BREAKERS. Items he must abide by in order to stay in the relationship with you.

You don't have to action on anything but you must also go see a lawyer, just to get information on how to proceed and what you need to do to cover your butt! Please see a lawyer, even if it's just for information. And start to build up your network of support, you will need it. This will include your most trusted family and friends, unfortunately, even if you think they are on your side, try to stay away from mutual friends.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It's logical not to trust him. He is untrustworthy. I think you need to think long and hard about how you want the rest of your life to go. It's very hard to be married to people with poor boundaries. 

What are your ages do you have kids? How long have you been married?


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Thesquarepeg said:


> I recently found out that my husband had gotten another woman’s number and was talking to her on a daily basis while away for work. She is a bartender at a bar that he went to 2-3 times a week while he was gone. And he got her number shortly after going to the bar for the first time. I asked about it, and he denied it right away. But after some digging I found her name and asked again and then he came clean about it. He says they didn’t do anything, and she is much older then him but they were texting for hours at a time when he was supposed to be working. I found out just recently and this occurred back in September-October.
> 
> This isn’t the first time that this has happened, and there have been plenty of other questionable things that he has done. The common factor is, is that he has always been drinking or drunk when these things happen.
> 
> ...


Your husband has poor boundaries around women and in order to remain married to you, must find a job that doesn't require out of town traveling and overnights away from home.

But fixing your marital problems sounds like it might be a backseat issue to addressing his issues with alcohol. Married men with 2 kids and one on the way at home don't go to bars 2-3 times a week ever let alone once a week or even once in awhile. This is risky behavior and isn't safe for any married man {that wants to protect himself and his wife and family from his own humanity and weakness}. It's not the getting the bartenders number or texting with her a bunch that was the problem, rather the mindset that he was entitled to a night out having a couple of drinks or more while out of town working. Stepping out and into the bar was the FIRST overstep of a healthy boundary. My wife and I have a rule where we don't ever have more than two alcoholic drinks out without the other. I go to dinner with my brothers to watch a game and have no more than 2 normal size beers {no fishbowls} and she goes out with her bible study friends and the same rule would apply. We also don't go to "bars" alone and can track each other with Find My Friends App {you must have this for when your husband travels} if we chose to or just wondered where the other one was and were they on their way home. The point isn't to monitor our spouses but rather to mutual hold each other accountable because we value our relationship and family and simply, everyone behaves better when they think they are {or could be} checked up on at every moment. Simple rules really. That said, your husband likely has alcohol issues and think you should read this: 

 WHAT TO DO WITH AN ALCOHOLIC SPOUSE #1


WHAT TO DO WITH AN ALCOHOLIC SPOUSE #2


WHAT TO DO WITH AN ALCOHOLIC SPOUSE #3


If alcohol isn't his problem - but when he drinks he does stuff like that - then the solution is to not drink or go to bars EVER outside your presence if he values his family and marriage as he says he does.


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## Thesquarepeg (Feb 19, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> The path to hope and saving this is thin but it's all on you to create the deal breakers and boundaries and you have every right and necessity to do so, especially if kids are involved it's your responsibility to look out for them to create a good environment. In short, it may seem unfair but you have to be the big person here and do the righteous work, he must to the reforming and abide by your guidelines to remain with you.
> 
> You are right not to trust him and you shouldn't, he has given you no reason to do so and there's probably a lot more that you don't know unfortunately. You are going to get advice here on how to proceed and what further info to get in the process but the advice from me in the meantime is to start writing out your list of No-compromise DEAL BREAKERS. Items he must abide by in order to stay in the relationship with you.
> 
> You don't have to action on anything but you must also go see a lawyer, just to get information on how to proceed and what you need to do to cover your butt! Please see a lawyer, even if it's just for information. And start to build up your network of support, you will need it. This will include your most trusted family and friends, unfortunately, even if you think they are on your side, try to stay away from mutual friends.


I’ve already done plenty of research if we were to separate. I know it’s not the same as actually speaking to a lawyer but I know where I’m protected mostly and where I’m not. 
My question is, is it very likely he has taken things too far with someone? We’ve been married 10 years now, and like I said there have been many times when I’ve found out things that a married man shouldn’t be doing; specifically getting another woman’s number. There have been plenty of times that he’s stayed out until 3 or 4 am, and a few times even 6 am. When he gets drunk he turns into this super friendly person, talking to anybody and everybody. 
Of course he has sworn up and down that he’s never done anything, and I’ve believed if before but I’m not so certain any more.


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## Thesquarepeg (Feb 19, 2018)

Rhubarb said:


> My guess is, if you stay with him you are in for a wold of pain over the coming years, and you may end up divorcing him anyway. Best to get rid of him while you are still young. I stayed 12 years with my alcoholic ex, and that was 12 years too long. The best thing she ever did for me was cheating on me which gave me the impetus to get the hell out.


I don’t think he’s an alcoholic though. He usually only drinks on the weekends. But when he does drink, he can and does consume way too much. It’s never to enjoy the drinks but instead to get completely trashed.


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

Someone who does this behind his pregnant wife's back is an ahole. Id consult an attorney and start keeping documentation of what he has done. That way if you decide to kick him to the curb you will be ready. Very diffcult situation due to the baby you are carrying. Best of luck to you and stay calm for your child's sake. Hugs


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Thesquarepeg said:


> I’ve already done plenty of research if we were to separate. I know it’s not the same as actually speaking to a lawyer but I know where I’m protected mostly and where I’m not.
> My question is, is it very likely he has taken things too far with someone? We’ve been married 10 years now, and like I said there have been many times when I’ve found out things that a married man shouldn’t be doing; specifically getting another woman’s number. There have been plenty of times that he’s stayed out until 3 or 4 am, and a few times even 6 am. When he gets drunk he turns into this super friendly person, talking to anybody and everybody.
> Of course he has sworn up and down that he’s never done anything, and I’ve believed if before but I’m not so certain any more.


Is it likely?

4 AM, 6 AM?

I believe you are in deep denial. It is very likely he has had sex with other women on those mornings he has stayed out late. My wife says you don't know men if you think he could be innocent. 



Thesquarepeg; said:


> I don’t think he’s an alcoholic though. He usually only drinks on the weekends. But when he does drink, he can and does consume way too much. It’s never to enjoy the drinks but instead to get completely trashed.


Again, I think you fail to recognize reality. Just my opinion, but I think he is an alcoholic. My wife points out being able to avoid a drink for a week is not a measure of alcoholism. Can he take one drink on Saturday, and then not one more drink all the rest of the weekend?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Thesquarepeg said:


> I don’t think he’s an alcoholic though. He usually only drinks on the weekends. But when he does drink, he can and does consume way too much. It’s never to enjoy the drinks but instead to get completely trashed.


Being an alcoholic is not black and white but let's say I grant you that he isn't. Still, in my experience alcohol simply removes inhibitions, meaning that it magnifies your natural tendencies. Some people get angry. Some people get happy. My wife for instance gets all emotional an tells me how much she loves me over an over. It sounds like in your husbands case it makes him the player that he is inside. I've been pretty drunk with friends but I've never been tempted to try to pick up other women. It's simply not in my nature. Perhaps you can get over this..... this time. But sometime in the future when life issues come up (as they do with everyone), you may find him stepping out on you again. if you stay with him you had better keep a sharp eye on him.


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## Thesquarepeg (Feb 19, 2018)

Update:
Well I found out that while he was away for work he was texting more than one woman. 

The older woman I mentioned (that is old enough to be him mom), he saved her number in his phone under some one else’s name. I actually called her and asked what happened. She was very rude, even though I asked politely and not accusatory in any way. She said they were just friends, even though they were texting for 6 weeks, for hours at a time when he was at work. 

Another girl wouldn’t talk to me in the phone. She said she couldn’t really remember because she meets so many people. She again was very rude and said it’s on him. 

Finally another girl I called was actually upfront and said that they did hang out socially when my husband would go with his friends to the bar but nothing happened. She only sent 1 text message. 
She did tell me that he didn’t wear his wedding ring or even mention that he was married. And that in her opinion the way he was acting with the first woman was inappropriate and not how she would want her husband to act. She is actually going to ask a few other people if they know anything that he may have done. 

He swears he talked about me and the kids to everyone, even the bartender he friended on FB. He swears in our 10 years together nothing has ever happened physically with another woman. Any thing else deemed cheating, I’m not sure. 

I am truly lost. I don’t know how to proceed forward with any of this. I know I will not be able to trust him for a while, and it will take a while for me to forgive him. He has promised to make changes, not just for me but because he understands that his behavior has been out of line. Again, he says things he thinks I want to hear so I’m not sure if I believe him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He’s lying.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

My husband started out like this and then ended up having a physical affair with a coworker. Poor boundaries will allow this to happen. At first it was just text messages with random females. Which could have been more but I couldn’t prove it. You need to give him hard consequences before he does something that will turn your life around. You can’t always prevent it but atleast you will still have your dignity.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My take on all this?

The girl who said she talked to lots of guys, so she doesn’t remember your husband: she’s an escort, sex for money girl.

Your husband is lying with every word he utters.

You want to believe his lies, so you keep trying to make excuses for him.

I do hope you find peace. But I don’t believe you’re ever going to find truth.

You seem very naive and unable to realize how easy it is for some people to lie. I’ve studied lying quite a bit. Perhaps too much. I’m afraid I’m jaded to the point I never really believe anyone.

But I’ve found it to be peaceful.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Thesquarepeg said:


> I recently found out that my husband had gotten another woman’s number and was talking to her on a daily basis while away for work.


I assume you want to believe that he only acts like a horse's ass when he's drinking or is drunk.

If that were actually accurate, that would mean he was literally drunk or drinking at work every single time he texted the supposed 'grandma' he was texting back in the fall. I'm just being realistic here, but I think you're trying to make yourself feel better by thinking alcohol is what drives him to cheat on you. It's not alcohol doing it.

It's your serial cheating husband whose doing it.

And I think it would be *very safe* to assume he did a lot more with this bartender 'while he was away' then just text her. A *lot* more. Just because she's older doesn't mean he would turn her down. And he had plenty of opportunity to do so while he was away.



> This isn’t the first time that this has happened, and there have been plenty of other questionable things that he has done. The common factor is, is that he has always been drinking or drunk when these things happen.


And it likely won't be the last time, either. But don't blame it on liquor. He knows exactly what he's doing. And I'm also willing to bet there's a lot more you *DON'T* know that he's done. A lot more.

*ETA:* I wrote my entire post above before I saw your update. I see you found out that he does indeed have more secrets you didn't know about. Honestly, that's not a surprise because he's like every other cheater out there. His lies and stories are utterly lame and he's transparent as glass. Keep in mind that this is only the crap he pulled over a week long period when he was away from home. There are 51 other weeks in the year that you don't know about. 



> He swears he talked about me and the kids to everyone, even the bartender he friended on FB. He swears in our 10 years together nothing has ever happened physically with another woman. Any thing else deemed cheating, I’m not sure.


"He swears"...if I had a dime for every cheater who 'swears' on their lies that they've never had sex with anyone else, I'd honestly be rich. Did he lie yet on your kid's lives that he's 'innocent?' If he hasn't yet, don't be surprised when he does. They'll pretty much lie on *anything* if it will save their pitiful asses. Again, NOT a surprise. At all.

Lastly, the girl who was KIND ENOUGH to talk to you and take the time to tell you what she observed him doing (not wearing his ring and acting like a damned fool) has no skin in this game whatsoever. She gains absolutely nothing if you believe her and nothing if you don't. She barely knows him and doesn't appear to have any kind of axe to grind with him, so why on earth would she lie to you?

We certainly sure know why your serial cheating husband would lie to you. That's no mystery at all as he constantly lies to you in order to cover his worthless lying ass. But she has nothing to win or lose.

I'd believe *anything* she has to say before I'd believe a damned word out of your lying husband's mouth.

Lastly, does he think he gets points for friending the bartender on FB so that must 'prove' everyone knew he was married? This guy is such a damned phony. He 'friended' her AFTER the fact. But back when he was hoping to get lucky and hitting on women while purposely not wearing his wedding ring you can be sure the LAST thing he talked about was his wife and kids. Does this fool actually listen to himself when he talks?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Oh, another thing I meant to add.

Please remember, older women make beautiful lovers. Someone should put that in a song! Oh, wait, someone already did.


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