# 2 years without any form of sex from hubby



## blissbomb (Dec 13, 2011)

Hiya All

Been on here lurking for some time and today I finally thought, I've gotta ask advice so here I am.

My hubby and I are both 36, fit, healthy, very sporty. Apparently we're the perfect couple to the outside world. We've been together 6 years, married just over 2. Prior to marraige our sex life was pretty bad - my husband suffered anxiety and depression and spent 2 years seeing someone about it. He was convinced I would leave as I was "too good" for hhim although I never had thought about it then. He was pretty bad in bed but I never said anything at the time, didn't want to cause him any more anxiety. So I went along with it, pretending I enjoyed it whilst trying to introduce new things and teach as discreetly as I could - I realise now that I'd signed my own marraige death warrant. I'd never had any sexual problems before and had enjoyed a really good sex life with others. My hubby and I never had conversations about previous lovers or experiences and never asked me anything. I tried so many times to talk to him about our sex life past and now, to go to sex shops, to wear sexy lingerie but nothing worked. I tried everything. He'd clam up when it came to his past - I don't even know if he had a gf before me. On the handful of times we did have sex he'd concentrate so hard that he just couldn't let himself go and enjoy it. He once told me I was the first woman he'd ever orgasmed with.

He then proposed and in all honesty, I knew saying yes wasn't the right thing but I honesty didn't want to reject him as I knew that it would knock all the hard work he'd put in, out of him. I figured that if he felt more secure in us, he'd come out of his shell. Marriage talk lead to children talk (he instigated the conversations) and we agreed that one day, after we were married we'd have some. This was a major indication to me that he wanted to try and fix things in that regard. I was pretty happy. At this stage we'd only had sex 7 times in 3 years. 

We've now been married for 2 and a bit years and for the past 2 years, there's been no sex or sexual touching whatsoever. I've tried talkign to him about it once every six months as I don't want to push it but am now at the stage of complete desperation. During our discussions, he said he'd get help, that he loves me, fings me attractive, wants to have sex with me etc etc - he says all the right things but then does nothing. Last chat, I told him that if we didn't try and sort it soon, I'd have to cheat on him as I couldn't take it anymore. His issues had worn me down and now I was feeling all depressed and for the first time in my life, had issues about how I was in bed/how I look etc. He told me he'd understand if I did have sex with other people and he wouldn't blame me.

I cannot take it anymore, I wake up sad, go to bed and cry. I am starting to really resent him because I've tried so hard and now I feel like he is being cruel to me. The whole kicker in this situation is he is the nicest most considerate person you'd ever meet. He's never got a bad word to say about anyone and would do anythign for people in his life. 

I am just so confused. Can anyone help? Please?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Is it possible for you to get him to come on here. Is it possible you told him your previous partners where much better than him at it. Than can crush a man. You dont mention counselling so I take it you havent been. Your idea of introducing 'new' things wasnt good. You have to let him go at his own pace. That must have pushed him to the edge or even over it. You really have to 'start' again.


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## blissbomb (Dec 13, 2011)

Thanks for your post Accept.

My husband doesn't know anything about my previous sex life - I've never compared him to others or told him about past experiences as I know it would hurt him and make him feel inadequate. He doesn't know how many people I slept with before, nor me for him - that was a conversation he was never comfortable having so we never did. Introducing new things was back in the early days, over the past 4 years I've just tried with sexy lingerie for bed or under clothes when am out with him etc (and even just cleaning the house!).

the problem for me is for the past 6 years we have gone at his pace and that pace for 2 years has been zero. I don't nag, as I said earlier I've approached the last 2 years in conversations probably 4 times as I don't want to push him but there comes a time when I feel like I am being a mug and he is being selfish. prior to getting married, I'd probably said something 3 times in 4 years as I was mega conscious of upsetting him.

I've not had counselling no, because up until recently I've never had a problem with sex or depression. I've always been the life and soul of any situation - thats what he says made him fall for me. I've always been the happy one - people used to joke that they'd never seen me sad. Now they say I'm grumpy and dead behind the eyes. MAybe thats why he doesn't want sex but again this whole depression on my part is recent. I don't think I've been harsh or unfair.The lack of sex has completely worn me down now, I feel like there's no connection and downright worthless. As a woman I now feel like I've failed. Maybe you're right, maybe its me who needs the help.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I never said it was you. Are you prepared to put into words exactly how he is different meaning worse than the others. You may not have mentioned it but he sure 'felt' it. You say he wants it, wants children but does nothing. Sounds like he is scared of you. You also sound like you have given up.


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## blissbomb (Dec 13, 2011)

Accept - happy to put into words, just wasn't sure I should be graphic.

In the beginning, there would be no foreplay on his part. Im really fond of giving bj and he'd allow me to do that for a bit then go straight into missionary and hammar away for 20 sec bursts, stop catch his breathe and try again. If I tried to go on top or move positions he'd stop and ask what he was doing wrong. I'd always say nothing its just that I thought we could try another position etc and that would be it. He'd stop and then relive the whole episode in his head and become upset. There was no rhythm, he always looked panicked - he'd sweat, he'd worry why I wasn't coming instananeously. There was nothing except jackhammering. I tried to kiss him during it but he never would, just stare dead ahead and concentrate on what he was doing. Sex was only ever done in the bedroom. When we first moved in, I tried initiating it on the couch, it started, he got stressed about someone coming to the door (although we lived in a 3 storey town house and was on 2nd floor) and stopped. He just stresses about every little thing. One change of body position (even just putting a cushion under my hips) and he'd think he was doing it wrong and then overthink it and it would kill everything. I have been so supportive, telling him that he couldn't do anything wrong and that it was enjoyable (in order for him to do it again and get more confidence). He's orgasmed with me but straight after worries that he'd come too song/he's being selfish/he's done it wrong so that I haven't. There's absolutely no confidence there. There's no sexual trauma in his past and he's not gay. I dread to think of what (if he's had) other gfs int eh past, what they've said/done to make him so scared of sex. He is gorgeous to look at and has even been approached to model. Just zero confidence. I've spent so much time trying to build his confidence up but it never does hence why he went and saw someone for so long.

The whole kids thing is strange, whenever we visit friends with kids or see kids he says he wants them to them then when we've discussed it after our wedding, he says he doesn't know if he wants them. Maybe he wants them with someone else but me. But the whole avoiding sex thing isn't going to help get them and its another taboo subject that I don't raise with him and wait for him to talk to me about.

I guess you are right, I guess I have given up and I feel horribly selfish for it.


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## blissbomb (Dec 13, 2011)

Forgot to add, that his confidence issues are allround.

When I met him he wasn't great with money and in a lot of debt. I've helped him pay off all his debt and got us a (joint) mortgage where he didn't have to contribute to the 20% deposit. We both work full time and both have to travel 2 hours a day to work. I took on a higher role where I used to travel/drive 5 hours one way to work, stay away for 4 nights then come home. He always worried about the late night driving etc, so I cut that back to once a month which made him happier. I have always solely paid for all our car, holidays, health care, insurances and pensions. He earns more than me but will not discuss money - I have no idea how much he owes (if any after paying off the debt), saves etc anything. I'd never ask as it makes him feel inadequate or like I am checking up on him but surely people in relationships should know this. I'd love for him to take on the provider role (in mini amounts) as I think he'd flourish and it would help him but he's happier not tool. Says that we should play to our own strengths (makes perfect sense) - mine being finances/running house etc his being cooking and considerate around the house. I think if he took a bit more of a traditional male role, he'd gain more confidence but again, I've said this to him once in our life together but never more than that as I don't want to be a nag/hassle him.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well it seems simple enough. You must understand that his mind was on performing well. Whatever you needed wasnt on his mind at all. I dont exactly understand what you have written but it adds up to that. He is not sure he can do it at all or to your satisfaction. That has the opposite effect which you have seen that better not do it all. He is not interested in kissing or anything else at the time. If you would have helped him in the beginning to get the 'technique' right you wouldnt be having this problem now. Not every man is 'born' with it but usually 'gets' it after practice.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Have you two considered going to a sex therapist (a counselor who specializes in sexual issues) together? I think that it could be of great benefit to a couple who are in your kind of situation.

Best wishes.


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## husband1987 (Dec 13, 2011)

As a married guy, I can't fathom any reason a man would ever turn down sex from his wife. I pray that my wife will snap back to the kinky woman she was a 1 year and a half ago when we were at the ripe old age of 22. Blows my mind the amount of women on here that want sex and don't get it when. What I wouldn't give for that problem.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

husband1987 said:


> As a married guy, I can't fathom any reason a man would ever turn down sex from his wife. I pray that my wife will snap back to the kinky woman she was a 1 year and a half ago when we were at the ripe old age of 22. Blows my mind the amount of women on here that want sex and don't get it when. What I wouldn't give for that problem.


Sometimes I really think there's a fatal attraction between seriously mismatched libidos.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Ocotillo - ain't it the truth.

Well. . .I am not sure about this one. I don't get why he doesn't want sex. . .low testosterone perhaps?

It has nothing to do with you.

I always say the same thing. . .you have *some* obligation to confront and investigate.

However, you don't have the obligation of confronting and investigating and being patient forever. At what point does your moral obligation end? I am not sure. . .did a thread on that awhile back and most seemed to think 6-12 months of no sex ends your moral (and legal and perhaps religious) obligation to him.

I always wax on here about "consummation". . .not sure if anyone has picked up the slack for me on here.

But "consummation" in a marriage isn't a wedding night thing. . .it's an ongoing process that validates the marriage.

I do think a sex therapist to "coach" your husband may not be a bad idea. . .he sounds scared of failure and that's a real issue.

It's like baseball, no guy bats a 1000 on the Big O so he sounds so scared of striking out he doesn't even want to play ball.

Well, no one bats 1000 except me of course


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Bliss: I'm not following completely. Can you husband ejaculate and get an erection? or is it that he is just a really bad lover? 

If he has performance mechanical problems you should see a Dr. with him. However, A bad lover can be coached. 

It sounds like he is terrified of sex for some reason. 

Have you watched porn together? Or some rated R movies where they have more lovemaking. maybe that would help him see how the rhythm is supposed to happen.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

It seems like there is trama from past sexual encounters, have you ever asked if he was abused? Is he super self conscience about himself, weight, size down there?

It could be as simple as he thinks porn is real, maybe his only reference point and feels frustrated you are not responding to him the way those women respond to their partners...

Is he getting sexual release else where? As a man of good health I can say two weeks without relief and I'd be going crazy... Have you considered he may be gay? Where is his release coming from? There are so many things that are possiblities here.

I can only imagine your frustration but please do not go outside the marriage. Divorce him first, explain to him in detail that a sexual physical realationship is a must and you'd love to show him how to do all the things required to be fulfilled. It's not about being the ultimate lover, it's about laerning your wife so you can be her ultimate lover. Help him realize that you want to learn him while he learns you. Hope this helps.


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## RedNovember (Dec 23, 2011)

Sounds like we're in the same boat, Bliss. It's so damn frustrating. I hope you find a way through. If you do, let me know. ;-)


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## blissbomb (Dec 13, 2011)

Wow firstly thank you to everyone who's replied over the past week - i've not had a chance to come back on. IT's been a very upside week for us. An Xmas dinner at his work, lead to loads of questions about when we're having kids, to which my hubby informed everyone that he'd love to have them and hopefully one day soon. WTF. As you can imagine that lead to a discussion and getting very uspet and violent with himself saying what a failure/loser he is. He did however book an appointment to see a sex therapist in the new year. I asked if he wanted me to come with him/go together but he's keen to go alone.

As for his release - I have absolutely no idea if he actually has the desire. There's never a morning glory, he's never spoken about masturbating and there's no longer any porn in our place. It's odd. As a red blooded female I go nuts if, after every other day, I've not seen to myself so I can only imagine what its like for guys.

Husband1987 - I hope your mrs gets it back too.
Ocotillo - you know you're right - maybe it's some form of punishment for enjoying too much sex in our earlier years?!
Scannerguard - This is the question I keep asking myself. I know that if/when I leave I'm going to look like the bad person as the truth will never come out as to why. That's fine, it's private but how long do you put up with this and be supportive before you feel like a mug and that sometimes you need that support back. Your baseball analagy is brilliant and so true. It's such a crazy situation - he's a semi-pro mountain biker and through himself off Alpe Du Heuz/french/italian alps every year so has no fear but has absolutely no confidence. He just has absolutely no drive and its got worse over the years. The burying head in the sand thing is really frustrating but I guess that it's just how he deals with things, whereas I like to face them, whatever they are, head on and sort them out. Maybe it's just a bad match and not meant to be. 

IKnow - it's both. Its also the reason I think he doesn't masturbate cos he'd probably beat himself up if he couldn't make himself come. He's had these issues his whole life but still at 36 hasn't done anything about it. I know its a sensitive area but surely someone would want to experience things rather than shut themselves off to it. 

IAMCIV - yes I've asked him about truama and he said that when he was 21 he couldn't get an errection due to his foreskin covering his penis and it was painful. He had an operation on it (and so did his younger brother this year so it's obviously a family thing) 15 years ago and he said it worked and sex no longer hurt after that. I've considered the gay thing and even whether he's asexual (sorry there's another term for it but I can't for the life of me think of what it is) and he said no - he does find me/other women attractive. Your advice is appreciated. 
RedNovember - I honestly and sincerely hope you get through this too.

I think the crux of this situation is that I will leave then move back to Australia and try to start again - probably do me the world of good now seeing as though this whole situation has unfortunately dragged me down. If it's meant to be, I will meet someone else and possibly have a future/family, if not, so be it - if being single is the worst thing to ever happen to me - I'm a lucky girl.

Thank you all - what a lovely bunch of people you are. So supportive and such wise heads. I hope it all works out for you guys out there as well xx


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the sex therapy is your best bet. Hopefully they send him for a full physcial work up first. If they don't then insist on it.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Bliss: 
Sounds like you love him and he loves you. If that is true, let him know that sex is important to you. And you think it could be wonderful for both of you together. Ask him if it is important enough to investigate medical issues. Or psychological aspects. 

You want to present your thoughts to your H as though the situation is almost like an "external" problem that can be investigated in a systematic way. Pretend that you had a sick child. You would talk about what the symptoms are. What events lead up to the onset of the illness. You want to make the conversation center around the problem and not you or your spouse. 

You want to treat this as tho you do not think he is defective in anyway. But that there is just something going on that you both want to be curious about. frame the discussion so that its clear that you do not think there is a problem with you or he. Rather it is just something that needs to be figured out. No blame. No fault. Emphasize that the sex is something that you want because he is the only guy that makes you crazy between the legs. 

You owe it to yourself and hubby to get to the bottom of this. It is important. Your marriage life sounds so good otherwise. it really sounds worth saving.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Bliss,

This is just a stab in the dark (ha, ha, pun sort of intended on a sex thread) but you said he was a "semi-pro" mountain biker.

It's uncommon, but not unheard of. . .is it possible he has some damage to the penile artery from years of biking and is hiding it from you for fear of you leaving him?

Here is a primer on the subject:

Groin Numbness and Bike Riding – Causes, Symptoms and Signs on MedicineNet.com

The stats on penis injury and bike riding are actually astounding.

Honestly, I think it's a terrible sport after reading this. . .

I can remember watching a Maury Povich show long ago where he was exposing a cheater wife and the husband started breakign down saying he couldnt' have sex anymore because of a biking injury.

Does he get hard-ons. . .do you feel hard-ons in your backside like every other woman feels from their husbands at 6 a.m. on a Thursday morning?


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

Try being a little more forceful with him. If he's scared and anxious try getting him drunk first so that he will let some of his inhibitions down and see if that helps. I usually wouldn't advocate drinking, but maybe it'll help him not be so scared and worried. It almost sounds like he's a virgin (although I know he's not). 

The biking injury is a good theory, I do wonder if this is a possibility. Is he capable of getting an erection easily? I talked to my hubby about your situation and he said that if he was scared and anxious that he would want me to take control to take the pressure off. Another thing, does he get erections throughout the night like a normal man? I know my hubby has them throughout his sleep all night long. 

This is definitely not a normal condition and I think that maybe talking to a sex therapist would be a great idea if he could relax enough to make the therapy worthwhile. I just wonder why he is so anxious and worried about his performance, since he won't talk to you about his past then that leaves you very few answers.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Bliss -

Your husband sounds much like mine, except my husband is not athletic really in any way. However, sex sounds pretty much the same. We've been married a year and a half and had sex 3 times. The last time was over 15 months ago. Pretty sad. 

It sounds like your husband has no confidence in himself at all. And nothing you are doing is helping. I don't think you have caused this. I know I've tried very hard to help my husband feel more confident, but I somehow always get blamed for "making" my husband insecure by turning him down for sex. People seem to think that's the only reason that men quit asking for sex. (not on this thread, but in my life). First off, anyone should have the right to turn their spouse down for sex sometimes. But, in all reality, that is not what happened with my husband and it sounds like you've been very supportive of your husband as well. 

I think is sounds like your husband has issues with himself. He doesn't sound like he has ANY confidence in the bedroom. The way you described sex, is exactly like sex with my husband. It's like he's constantly afraid he is doing something wrong and he is constantly worried he's cum to early, or I didn't get enough out of it. I've told him that if he would just relax and enjoy myself I'd find more pleasure in that than when he's so nervous about making everything "perfect". 

I really hope you can find some answers and I hope that counseling or therapy helps your husband and you. Good luck!


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## blissbomb (Dec 13, 2011)

Scannerguard - what a great link - thank you, it's not something I've ever thought about and a real eye opener. Am going to try to discuss it with him. Thank you. ps - Stab in the dark did make me smile!!:smthumbup: I've never been stabbed in the back really, he keeps to his side of the bed (facing away) and me mine. Morning hard-on's aren't regular with him. He does literally launch himself out of the bed and cover himself up though so sometimes its hard to tell.

We tried talking again Xmas eve and I suggested going down the dr's route first rather than therapist. Again I got head in sand scenario/refusal to talk so i thought damn it, am going to push and I did and huge fight ensued. Interestingly, my sister-in-law, the next day, got drunk and told me all about issues she is having with her hubby (his brother) and we discussed the fact it may stem from their step father (s-i-l been with partner 20 years - she's 34). Apparently step father was verbally abusive to the boys - was interesting to find this out as would explain some fo the confidence issues.

Rightly or wrongly yesterday I told my hubby that the next few days I was going to book my ticket home for next September. I think this going to be the only way to put a firecracker up his arse and get him to realise I'm deadly serious. Not sure if its counterproductive but for my own sanity, I need to know that I wont keep putting up with this forever either.

Ku1980rose - big hugs to you, it truly is a horrible situation and I sincerely hope it gets sorted. Keep in touch. 

LBG - unfortunately he doesn't drink (well stops at 2) and I've never seen him drunk. 

I Know - great fresh approach, it's amazing how changing the tone of conversations can lead to more productive discussions but even if I am sweet as pie and put no malice in words whatever - he still wont discuss anything. 

I do think that unfortunately, I just married the wrong guy for me and he did the same.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

if he does not talk about past GF then more than likely he would not talk about abuse if there was any. I have not came across any topics the discuss the affects of abuse,,, it would be interesting to know what they are. Does he enjoy a orgasm ? if you offer oral does he pass on it ?


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