# Difficulties with Parent Understanding their Role



## love727 (Mar 5, 2016)

I come from an Italian family. My parents have always been very active in my life. As I got older, their controlling behaviors would upset me a lot more. I do not believe it is healthy for adult children to feel they need their parents' approval for everything.

Once I got engaged, their control became more forceful. They did not want me to get married the year my now husband and I wanted to get married because my brother was graduating college that year and they were hoping to take a big family trip. I found this to be very selfish. Especially since I knew my husband for 4 years and we were going to spend a year being engaged.

Fast forward to today and the 4 of us really butted heads when my mother (our real estate agent) did not want to put an offer on a house she did not fully approve of. She recommend us sleep on the decision. When I said we were not willing to do that, she got upset and my father yelled at us. I kept pushing our decision and the offer eventually was made, but my husband and I were not happy with their behavior! I have tried explaining to my parents that if I was making this decision on my own, their behavior would be wrong - I am an adult, I appreciate their opinion, but do not want it pushed down my throat. However, things are very different when you are married. My husband comes first. If my husband and I want to do something that needs to be respected. 

Long story short - my husband and I have been seeing a therapist for about a year. The therapist also has seen my parents for about the past month. We finally had a meeting (all 4 of us and the therapist) to work out our differences and a major blow up occurred! I don't know how I can go on. My husband is tired of the anger and sadness we feel every day. I would love nothing more than for my husband and I to have a civil relationship with my parents. I do not have any kids now, but in the future would want my kids to have somewhat of a relationship with them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Some advice about well-meaning but controlling parents. 

1. Recognize your happiness does not, at least should not depend upon their approval. 

2. Keep calm and be careful of counterattacks. They may up the ante and pressure, or enlist other family members but you should just calmly response with your position. Just because a parent offers frequent and detailed criticism does not mean they are receptive to suggestions about changes in their own approach. 

4. Be a little cautious about being too critical because your husband may not want to deal with them. 

5. All this said, if your mother, familiar with the real estate area, suggested you think about an offer for a day, that does make sense. 

6. Be careful of taking money from them. Once they are in, they're in, and that means the opportunity to provide their extraordinarily insightful advice on a regular basis. You have to balance the savings you get from having your mother involved with the aggravation and involvement it will entail. If you decide to keep her, remember not to get her involved in other things.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My mother was Italian. Yeah, controlling, opinionated, butting in.... 


I'm not sure why you think it was selfish of your parents to ask you to put your wedding off so they could go on their big vacation. Even if they didn't pay for your wedding, and if your Italian I'm pretty sure they paid, weddings are super expensive. Do you think it was selfish of you to expect them to pay for your wedding instead of going on the vacation they planned?

Why didn't your mother want you to buy the house? Did she have concerns? Were her concerns valid? Having a realtor steer you away from buying a house is something few homebuyers experience because their realtors usually just want to make a sale. 

Your parents attended your couples therapy? Well there is a first for everything I guess. 

Look, are you an adult or not? If you're an adult than make decisions and if Momma isn't happy, oh well. 

My mother used to just show up at our house. Even when I was working and working from home, she would come barging in, honking the horn as she drove up the street. During the summer she would stop over every other day. Usually not a problem except those few times the kids were gone and H and I were getting busy in the pool...and we'd hear her car horn letting us know she wa pulling up. 

You can't let your parents interfere so much in your life. Usually gifts come with strings attached so if you don't want their strings don't accept their gifts.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Involve them as little as possible with your decision-making processes. For example, do not use them as your real estate agents anymore.

DO NOT talk to them about your finances.

DO NOT involve them in any discussions about when you plan to have children etc.

Keep your private affairs between you and your husband.

Instead of getting into debates with them about your choices, don't discuss them. If the topic gets onto personal matters, change it, talk about the weather.

The reason you are having way too many problems is because you are feeding the problems. Every time you involve them in your decisions, in their minds you are asking them for help, and it makes you a dependent, a child. You need to cut the umbilical cord and start standing on your own two feet.


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## love727 (Mar 5, 2016)

The trip was not planned. It was a thought they were thinking of doing. 

I didn't ask them to pay for it. We were willing to contribute and did pay for some of it.

She really did not like that the house was 20 minutes away from her.

They did attend, but treated the therapist with very little respect. I would not talk to them otherwise.

I may be a little sensitive to when my parents get upset, I just don't understand why I have to fight for what my husband and I want. I shouldn't have to fight anymore....


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

To be honest, you are the only one who change the dynamics for the better. It won't be easy, it won't be fun, and there will be hurt feelings...
But it's the way it has to be.

You need to set boundaries and stick with them. Understand that they are going to be upset. But it's not your job not to make them upset. It's your job to take care of your family and to put them first. 


My mother was someone who didn't respect my boundaries, and I get it. It is really hard enforce boundaries with a parent. There is a dynamic that has been developed where your job is to do what they tell you to do. 

But my mother finally pushed me so much that I quit speaking to her. We didn't speak for 3 years. It was hard and traumatic. But it changed out dynamic for the the better. We have a relationship now, but there have been times that I have cut contact with her. Instead of it lasting three years, the last one lasted about 6 weeks. She knows that I am willing to not have anything to do with her if she isn't respectful. Occasionally she tests it, and I stand firm. 

I now wish I had been willing to deal with her being angry with me long before. Our lives would have been better for it.


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## love727 (Mar 5, 2016)

Thank you BlueWoman for your reply. I really appreciate you sharing your experience.

I really don't want to have to cut ties with my parents. I am someone who always thinks of the worst - what if something happens to them? Will I regret not talking to them for the rest of my life? But I guess it's a terrible situation I am in and that I have to think of my marriage first. 

I really hope we can rekindle a relationship. It would make me so very happy. I pray for it every night. I just need them to understand that I can't do everything the way they want me to do it.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

love727 said:


> I really don't want to have to cut ties with my parents. I am someone who always thinks of the worst - what if something happens to them? Will I regret not talking to them for the rest of my life? But I guess it's a terrible situation I am in and that I have to think of my marriage first.


I don't think that ties will end up being cut out for the rest of your life. 
You don't even need to stop talking to them. I stopped talking to my mother because she was abusive. That was the only way to stop the abuse. 

But it doesn't sound like they are abusive. You just need stronger boundaries and then you need to stick to them. They aren't going to be happy about it, but unless they have serious personality disorders, they are going to adjust. 

But it has to come from you. You need to behave like an adult, which means enforcing boundaries. As long as you don't behave like an adult your parents aren't going to treat you like one. 
@breeze was right. Your mother shouldn't be your real estate agent. And you need to consider what you discuss with your parents. They are not your sounding board, so you can't treat them like one. That's a friends job. If you talk to them about an issue, they have a life time habit of helping you with advice. 

So if you don't want their advice, don't ask them or bring an issue to them. You and your husband make your decisions together, and once your decisions are made you tell your parents. 

When they offer unsolicited advice (which they will) tell them, "Thanks, we'll take that into consideration." Which isn't a lie, you probably will consider it, even for a half second. And then change the topic. 

At this point, it's up to you to shape the relationship with your parents. 

And here's a happy ending, for you. My mom and I do have a relationship now. I have very strong boundaries with her, but as a result she treats me infinitely better. Because I don't allow it, she doesn't treat me as her verbal punching bag. And when my husband left me, she was my biggest support. 

She still offers me unsolicited advice, but knows that I make my own decisions without worrying about her approval, so she's much pickier about the advice she gives and it's easier to listen to it and consider it.


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## love727 (Mar 5, 2016)

They can be emotionally abusive. Making me feel very guilty for everything and saying I am unappreciative for all they do for me. I was also told that I am not equipped to make decisions due to my lack of experience buying houses.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Time to grow up and put the big girl panties on.

Do NOT accept money from your parents. Do NOT ask them for opinions. Do NOT hire your mother as your real estate agent. 

They are only as controlling as you allow them to be. Letting them pay for the wedding pretty much gave them ownership of it. Using your mother as a real estate agent guarantees conflict. Stop seeking validation from them, they don't need to be on board with every decision. Don't even ask what they think, it's not their concern. 

Trust me, I've been in your shoes. I come from a strict culture with controlling parents also. It wasn't easy to detach but you need to if you want peace of mind. They won't take it well at first. They will guilt you at every corner. They will try anger and tears to try and manipulate you. But if you hold firm, they WILL back off and accept that you're your own boss. It takes time and dedication.


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## love727 (Mar 5, 2016)

Thank you @Celes. I appreciate your help. I agree...I really do need to put "my big girl panties on." They just make me feel so guilty and I feel like I have to either betray my parents or betray my husband. It is a moral issue that I am struggling with. I love my parents and want them to be happy, but they are so hard to please sometimes. If it's not done their way then they think a catastrophe will occur and I will get hurt or be in financial turmoil. 

I know my relationship with them will never be the same. My husband's relationship will not be the same either. The verbal argument that occurred when the 4 of us met with the therapist was horrible! It was my worst nightmare coming alive. My father and husband were about to get physically aggressive. This occurred after my father was disrespecting the therapist and my husband could not take anymore. 

I feel the more I drive my point to them, the more upset they get. My husband does not want a relationship with them unless they apologize and I don't see that happening. They just continue to fight their position and put blame on me and him for allowing this to happen.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

I know exactly what you mean. They make you feel like you're in the middle and that you're hurting them. But it's okay. It's manipulation and once you understand it for what it is, it becomes easier to detach. Your parents will act hurt and angry for a while but they love you and will get on board. You have to stay strong though. 

It might feel like your relationship won't ever be the same. But trust me it can and will get better. I've had something similar happen between my mother and my husband. She was extremely angry that he hadn't proposed after 2 years and tried to force him into it. She had major issues with the fact that it took us 3.5 years to get married, which was really just us saving for a wedding, getting a new apartment, furniture, etc. They got into a huge argument and she despised him. She kept trying to get me to leave him and tried to convince me he was using me. Now she adores him and has huge respect for him. She even told me she couldn't believe how poorly she treated him. 

Just learn to stop seeking their validation. Do what makes you and your husband happy, forget about how they feel. Deep down you feel that you're being selfish and hurting them. You AREN'T! They are by trying to prevent from conducting yourself as a fully formed adult. 

Once they see that their tears and yelling can't force you to do what they want, and that their behavior pushes you away, they will adapt.


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## love727 (Mar 5, 2016)

@Celes You got it exactly! I feel as though I'm in the middle and am hurting them. I feel as though I'm causing them so much pain. They were great parents to me when I was a child....but have difficulties letting me go. I'm playing tug-of-war and have to stop and think about what do I want? 

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you stood your ground. And you did it while not married!! Good for you!

You are right....I need to focus on my husband and I. I can't control them coming around. I really hope they do! Your story gives me some hope. I just hope nothing happens to them before that can be done. I hate the position I am in, but I can't feel sorry for myself and need to focus on my husband and I. We are at an age where we should be loving life and thinking of having kids soon, but my thoughts are overwhelmed by this issue. I think I just need to stop caring so much on how they are feeling and start making my husband and I happier.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Sounds like you're on the right track @love727!

Yes, it feels like you're hurting them because they try and make you feel that way. It's part of their manipulation. They aren't aware they're even doing it.

My family made me feel like a monster on so many occasions. They made me feel like a monster for moving to the US (I'm from Canada). They made me feel like a monster for getting my own place (they wanted me to stay with family here). They made me feel like a monster for taking my time to know my husband well and establish ourselves before marrying (we had no help for our wedding, I wanted them to have 0 control over it). I am talking tears, insults, yelling, the works... And yes, I felt terrible guilt every time.

But now they see that my husband and I are successful. That my move was for the best and I married a great man. We both have stable jobs and are doing well. They are incredibly proud of me. But I had to establish boundaries with them. You will learn to do the same over time. It hurts for some time but the end result is what you need to focus on. Best of luck to you!


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## love727 (Mar 5, 2016)

@Celes I could talk to you all day about this. It's nice to finally talk to someone who gets it and has been through it. 

I feel bad for what you went through. You are a strong woman. My parents made me feel guilty for looking at homes 20 minutes from them. My husband's family is 2 and a half hours away. It's hard to make sense of this for my husband. Good thinking on your part to have full control of your wedding. I too have experienced the tears, yells, and insults - difficult to get through and emotionally damaging for all involved.

I will try to focus on the end result - I hope it works out like it did for you! Thank you for sharing and helping me sleep a little bit better tonight!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

love727 said:


> They just make me feel so guilty and I feel like I have to either betray my parents or betray my husband.
> 
> I feel the more I drive my point to them, the more upset they get. My husband does not want a relationship with them unless they apologize and I don't see that happening. They just continue to fight their position and put blame on me and him for allowing this to happen.


OP, I have inlaws like your parents - they are the inlaws from hel!. Your poor husband, lol. And poor you. Shame on them for putting you in this position.

In my case, I have disengaged completely from my inlaws. I don't see or speak to them, nor attend family functions. My husband goes on his own. He completely understands my position on this. He actually rarely talks to them at all, they make him very uncomfortable.

Your husband has the right to not have a relationship with your parents, but he does not have the right to demand that you do the same. They are your parents, of course you love them and want a relationship with them.

My husband and I agreed on boundaries with his family, and he enforces them. When he does see them he doesn't discuss me, our marriage or our home at all. Nothing about any plans we have to move house or anything at all. They talk about the weather, his work, his health - anything about him exclusively is fine, anything else they lost the right to know when they behaved the way they did.

You may need to do the same. There is no divided loyalty when you're married. Spouse first. Always.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

This is so typical Italian. They have the most dysfunctional co-dependent manipulative relationship with their kids. My in laws are Italian so I totally get it. They have brain washed my husband from a young age, they make a big show about how much they do for him and manipulate and guilt him to basically do what they want which is.... Live close by, Sunday dinners, always coming over unannounced, and basically controlling your life. My husband feels such guilt that it overrides everything else, putting my thoughts and feelings second. It's really hard to be married to someone like that because I have issues with not feeling loved and feeling like his main role in life is son instead of husband. Only he can change the situation, I try and I come off as the b*tch disrespectful DIL. 
I agree with other posters. Don't ask their opinion, don't talk about personal stuff, don't take their money. It's none of their business. It's your life (you and your husband). Your parents need to realize you guys are two separate families now. Your number one priority is your husband. You need to nip this in the butt now because when you have kids it will be so much worse. 

Btw what happened at the therapist office? Did your husband say something to your dad?


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## love727 (Mar 5, 2016)

@frusdil Thank you for your reply! I'm sorry you have been in a similar situation. I agree that it is not right to tell your spouse not to have a relationship with them. As the child of the parents, we are in a very difficult position. Regardless of the issue, I will always love them. I think my husband feels talking to them is betraying him since they do not support us and is worried it will create future problems. However, this is something he is working on and I am working through with him. I believe he will come around to understanding that shutting them out completely is not the answer. I understand if he does not want to see them, but I simply cannot go through life doing that. I have told him that it is not good for my soul.
@katiecrna Yes! I too have been given the "we have done so much for you, how can you do this to us" speech. I always feel so guilty and second guess my position which I shouldn't do and am working on. I was doing exactly what your husband has been doing - putting their thoughts and feelings before my husbands. But unfortunately even doing that continued to cause problems - they are never happy! At the therapist office my dad was being very disrespectful to the therapist. The therapist clearly said we (my husband and I) would talk during the hour and they would listen and repeat what we said to make sure they are hearing us and understanding since the therapist sees there is a huge miscommunication. Then the next session that would occur in the upcoming weeks would be their turn to talk and we would have to listen. My dad and mom did not agree with this and continued to try and change it around so both parties could talk that night. After being told again and again that we aren't doing it their way by the therapist, my husband got up and began to curse at my dad. I'm not happy about him doing that, but he has a lot of anger for their continued pursuit to control situations. This has really turned into a huge mess!


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Oh man! I'm sorry your going through this. You should try talking to your parents by yourself. Tell them you love them and explain that you have to shift out of the role of being a daughter to the role of being a wife, and now your husband is the man of the house and he and you have to be respected. It's so hard for Italians to see their kids as adults. You need to address this issue face to face with them and in a way that they can't argue with. Don't cry, don't get mad, just tell them matter of factly that this is the way it is. Make them see you as an adult. It's going to be a slow, hard transition but you need to be able to be frank with them along the process. What do they feel about this all? What exactly are they mad at? I know that my In laws felt disrespected. For some reason they think they should have Devine respect and authority being the "elder" or whatever. I wonder if when they first got married if their parents and in laws gave them any trouble. 
There is a interesting article about divorce rates in Italy with relationship to how close you live to your parents. And there was statistic significance that divorce rates inversely correlated with miles from parents, the smaller the distance the greater the divorce rate. That says something about Italian parents...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

http://www.darndivorce.com/mothers-in-law-cause-of-italy’s-soaring-divorce/


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## love727 (Mar 5, 2016)

@katiecrna I'm sad to admit that I am scared to meet with them face to face alone to discuss this issue. I have talked to them over the phone and it always leads to yelling (sometimes I begin the yelling) and sometimes I have to hang up. If I meet with them face to face I don't have a quick escape and I don't want them to emotionally manipulate me into siding with them. I am not very strong - I am getting stronger- but I hate seeing my parents in pain and I always feel very guilty. Also, my dad has a tendency to beat his point even if I show him I don't agree. He will continue to state his point and the conversation will not end until I agree.

You hit the nail on the head with the respect. They keep saying that - you need to respect your parents - "honor thy father and mother..." They feel they are entitled to receive respect because they are parents. I have always given them respect - but with this I can't turn my back on my husband and marriage....right? But they don't see it like that. They think they are just helping us and we are horrible people for not taking their advice and getting upset.

Thanks for the article - I'm reading it now!


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## love727 (Mar 5, 2016)

I must also mention that my husband's job requires him to be gone every other week. When he is home, he does not work the whole week, but when he does work he is gone for that whole week. This is something they have a problem with. They worry about my safety. I understand their concerns, but just because he is not home every night does not mean I have to live within 10 minutes from him. I live 20 minutes - is that really that bad?! Ugh!!!! There are days where I actually enjoy my space from my husband and my family sometimes. Everyone needs time for themselves...right????


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/wor...mma-one-of-the-biggest-risks-to-marriage.html Here is another interesting one too. Take a few days off away from each other and try to approach them again. Talk to your husband about your issues and concerns and how you guys can realistically address the issue and/ or how your going to deal with the situation. They will never go away and they will never change. You have to learn how to set boundaries, and just deal with them.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Absolutely. I need my space at times. Your fine. Living closer to them doesn't make you safer at all.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

love727 said:


> @frusdil Thank you for your reply! I'm sorry you have been in a similar situation. I agree that it is not right to tell your spouse not to have a relationship with them. As the child of the parents, we are in a very difficult position. Regardless of the issue, I will always love them. *I think my husband feels talking to them is betraying him since they do not support us and is worried it will create future problems.* However, this is something he is working on and I am working through with him. I believe he will come around to understanding that shutting them out completely is not the answer. I understand if he does not want to see them, but I simply cannot go through life doing that. I have told him that it is not good for my soul.


I understand how your husband feels, because I felt the same. I lost trust in him because he would never stand up for me to his parents.

It was only when my husband started defending me - and that was after a LOT of arguments between us - that I started to trust him to handle things and let it go. It's very hard for him to voice his feelings and opinions to his family, he's always been shouted down, and god forbid he's not perfect! Lol. He's learnt through bitter experience to just keep quiet.

Through his actions though, he's sent a clear message to them that he doesn't like the way they've treated me (and his first wife before me). He's distanced himself quite a lot - and though they probably blame me for that, it's water off a duck's back to me, because hubby and I both know that it was 100% his choice to do that and that I fully support him having a relationship with his parents.

You may need to do similar - you don't have to be disrespectful or confrontational to your parents, simply change the subject when they start lecturing or criticising, and if they persist say "Well, time for us to go now" and LEAVE. You'll only have to do it a few times and they'll stop...hopefully.


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## love727 (Mar 5, 2016)

@frusdil we have been in the same boat! Many arguments have occurred with my husband and I. Our patience with each other is not good because we are dealing with this everyday.

I like your idea of just keeping our life out of conversations. That is a great tactic that I need to accept is what I have to do moving forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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