# Help me understand



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Hi everybody,

To make a long story short, here is in a few words what happened to me :

My wife gave me the “I love you but I don’t love you anymore” message 45 days ago. 3 days after that she told me that she needed to take some distance from me to “think about our marriage” and that she had found a place to stay near our house. 

My d-day was a few days later. I discovered that she was having a PA since two months. She left our house 10 days ago. She is now in her new place and even if she is not living with the OM, I know that she is continuing her affair.

I met her 3 days ago to tell her that I wanted a divorce and I have not heard from her except for some practical questions about the divorce. Not one personal question. No feelings, no nothing...

It's so hard to understand that in less than 45 days I have disappeared from her life. How can someone erase you from her life in so little time after 13 years of living together and with a son of 6 years ? 

I know that many of you don't believe in the "fog" explanation but HOW can you explain that ??? 

How can someone change in so little time ? how can someone have no feelings at all towards you when you were a normal couple with tons of projects (renovations, travel) just a few weeks before ?? We had reserved a house for two weeks in Martinique with friends for the beginning of 2013 just two months ago... I am not saying our life was perfect and that I was the perfect husband. I was a little depressed for the last two years and was not always joyful but our life was still very normal on many points. 

I KNOW that I made the right decision by filling for divorce but I still don't understand how she can have changed so fast...

It's so hard. I have the feeling that she would have brought a TV back for an exchange to the store with the same level of emotion... 

I know that I should feel stronger and relieved after making the decision to divorce her but I am still completely torn apart and my emotions are confused.


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## shadeofgrey (Sep 8, 2012)

I do not know how people can become so detached when they are married. She obviously is moving forward with her life. You should try to move forward with yours. Life may bring you all back together, but do not depend on that. I really wish I had some better advice!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She was still in your house when you found out about the affair? What was her reaction when you confronted her about it?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

How can someone change and move on? Thats easy. If youre addicted to something, ANYTHING, and you pick up another vice, and then youre addicted to that and you arent "addicted" to your previous "habit", did you defeat your first addiction? No, all addictions work chemically the same in our brains. With chemicals in the brain, dopamine, the lambic system, testosterone receptors, raphe nuclei, so all she did was replaced you with an addiction. She's "over" you real quick because she jumped (litterally?) Onto something/someone else.

Now what can you do? Be tough. Dont be manipulated, dont feel depression, get angry , workout stay healthy, take vits, and be firm. She will one day withdraw a little or wake up a little after you act this way, or worst case, pull the D card. This will allow her to stop bejng immature and short sighted for a few moments, enough to think that what she is doing/has done isnt a worthwhile decision and has horrible consequences. Things that should have been reviewed before the decision to cheat.

Then youll be far along in your coping and moving on, being stronger, more actively involved in self improvement, and she will see you and see you far ahead, just as you see her now, far ahead and along with getting over you. Its "fog", she cant see or understand reality, its a fantasy that never steps into the bounds of reality. 

Whether you decide to R or D is your choice but you approach it alike. Be strong, firm, you do not negotiate with terrorists, you do not tolerate immaturity, you require transparency and freedom of verifiability. 

How can one find themselves in the "right" if they have to hide or justify their actions? She wants to move out and think about marriage? Immature excuse, teenager excus, all to live the way you want to without consequences. She only wishes to live as if she was single, and mess with the other man, she will be doing no thinking of the marriage. If she wants to think of the marriage she needs to STOP all contact wth OM, and withdraw from those addictive and corruptive lifestyle. 

You have to pay the piper in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> She was still in your house when you found out about the affair? What was her reaction when you confronted her about it?


Yes, she was still in our house when I discovered the affair. At first, she told me she was sorry and that she was going to stop the affair but I found a few days later that it was still going on. 

Then I went through the begging stage, asking her to stop the affair at least for a few months to take the time to "think" about us, about our couple, our son... And IF after those few months, she would still want to leave me then I told her that she could do whatever she wants. But apparently, those few months were too much for her, even in consideration of our 13 years together. So, she moved out and pursued her affair.


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

shadeofgrey said:


> I do not know how people can become so detached when they are married. She obviously is moving forward with her life. You should try to move forward with yours. Life may bring you all back together, but do not depend on that. I really wish I had some better advice!


ANY advice is good. Thanks anyway


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I believe it is the guilt that is stopping her from showing emotion. She probably feels it, but holds you at arms length so she does not have to face you. Simple avoidance.

Best thing you can do is detach also and show her you are happy and moving on. Then see how the tables will turn. It will be her asking all the qusetions then, believe me! Even if only in her head. And she will be questioning also very strongly if she did the right thing. While you mope, she knows she still has you, and she will not question or miss. Once she has you no longer....we all want what we cannot have. The unobtainable is desirable. I am not saying she will want you back, but if there is anything there, she will. And at the least you will get her thinking...a lot!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Did she leave her son also?


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Did she leave her son also?


No, we have our son three days each. She took care of making it easy for our son by taking a flat near our house and from the school of our son.

She is not a bad mother, just a bad spouse and cheater...


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Oh she still has feelings for you, just not showing them right now because she is in the fog of her affair. Who is the OM? How do you know your son is safe around him?

Have you exposed her affair?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Petyot said:


> No, we have our son three days each. She took care of making it easy for our son by taking a flat near our house and from the school of our son.
> 
> She is not a bad mother, just a bad spouse and cheater...


I have to disagree. She was cheating not only on you, but on your son, also.

The OM stole your wife from you.

Your wife stole his full time father (you) from her son.

Looked at that way, she really couldn't be said to be much of a mother, in truth. Could she?


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Oh she still has feelings for you, just not showing them right now because she is in the fog of her affair. Who is the OM? How do you know your son is safe around him?
> 
> Have you exposed her affair?


The OM is a co-worker from her previous job. He is not staying with her, at least not when my son is around. I would destroy the guy if that was to happen and she knows it...

Yes, I exposed to friends, family... But she has no shame of what she did. She exposed the affair herself to family and friends, as if it was a perfectly normal thing to do when you think that you have some hard time in your couple


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Petyot said:


> The OM is a co-worker from her previous job. He is not staying with her, at least not when my son is around. I would destroy the guy if that was to happen and she knows it...
> 
> Yes, I exposed to friends, family... But she has no shame of what she did. She exposed the affair herself to family and friends, as if it was a perfectly normal thing to do when you think that you have some hard time in your couple


So, she is proud of what she did? Talk about the fog!:scratchhead:


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I have to disagree. She was cheating not only on you, but on your son, also.
> 
> The OM stole your wife from you.
> 
> ...


I know that she was cheating on our family, not only on me. You are right on that. Does that make her a bad mother for him ?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I would not make any of it easy on her, but that's just me. I would not allow my son to be there if the OM is going to be there.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It makes her incredibly selfish and self absorbed. I would argue that yes, it does make for a bad mother. She should have left you before starting up with someone else. But that is rational. This isn't necessarily rational.


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> So, she is proud of what she did? Talk about the fog!:scratchhead:


Not proud but not ashamed. She doesn't seems to realize that what she did was wrong. 

She is also rewriting our couple's history to make what she did appears very normal.


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> I would not allow my son to be there if the OM is going to be there.


I made it VERY clear that it would be unacceptable for me to allow my son to be there if the OM is going to be there. And I have NO doubt that she is not going to let it happen


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Remains said:


> I believe it is the guilt that is stopping her from showing emotion. She probably feels it, but holds you at arms length so she does not have to face you. Simple avoidance.
> 
> Best thing you can do is detach also and show her you are happy and moving on. Then see how the tables will turn. It will be her asking all the qusetions then, believe me! Even if only in her head. And she will be questioning also very strongly if she did the right thing. While you mope, she knows she still has you, and she will not question or miss. Once she has you no longer....we all want what we cannot have. The unobtainable is desirable. I am not saying she will want you back, but if there is anything there, she will. And at the least you will get her thinking...a lot!


Thanks for your message


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Petyot said:


> I know that she was cheating on our family, not only on me. You are right on that. Does that make her a bad mother for him ?


To my mind, it does.

She stole his happy family from him.

She is also teaching him that there are no consequences to bad deeds. That you can get away with anything if you shrug your shoulders and say: "So what? I did it for me."

The same defence can be used by everyone from a cheating spouse to a bank robber.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Petyot said:


> I made it VERY clear that it would be unacceptable for me to allow my son to be there if the OM is going to be there. And I have NO doubt that she is not going to let it happen


Just like you never thought she take a lover and run off on you?

She could well insist on having the OM there and will likely introduce him to your son as his stepfather at some point.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Petyot said:


> Not proud but not ashamed. She doesn't seems to realize that what she did was wrong.
> 
> She is also rewriting our couple's history to make what she did appears very normal.


Rewriting, sometimes called Blameshifting or Entitled Princess Syndrome.


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> To my mind, it does.
> 
> She stole his happy family from him.
> 
> ...


I understand what you say. For my son (he is 6), there is no affair, just parents that are not in love anymore. We told him that she was the one that was not in love anymore. There is no reason for me to destroy my son by telling him bad things on his mother...


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You're all lawyered up I hope? Protect yourself and your son, she is for all intents and purposes a drug addict at this point.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Petyot said:


> Not proud but not ashamed. She doesn't seems to realize that what she did was wrong.
> 
> She is also rewriting our couple's history to make what she did appears very normal.


She has to rationalize her actions somehow. Every slight and bump in the marriage will be magnified. Every good time will be minimized. It's her mental defense mechanisim

As to your original question: This isn't a 'recent' thing. It's been building for a while, people being unhappy in a marriage. She was on autopilot for a good while (vacation plans, renovations) and you didn't notice. Women are generally good actresses and besides, you were depressed as you say. You think that didn't affect anything?

Now, instead of dealing with her unhappiness, she bailed to find 'new' happiness.

Find your own new happiness now. You can't lose the hurt but don't dwell on it all day. Hobbies and plans help with that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Petyot said:


> I understand what you say. For my son (he is 6), there is no affair, just parents that are not in love anymore. We told him that she was the one that was not in love anymore. There is no reason for me to destroy my son by telling him bad things on his mother...


You will not need to. He will pick up on them himself.

And if your wife had not cheated on you, where would your son be? At home, safe in his own bed, with his loving parents near by him, close to hand.

_*He can't have that now. His 'mother' stole it from him.*_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You will not need to. He will pick up on them himself.
> 
> And if your wife had not cheated on you, where would your son be? At home, safe in his own bed, with his loving parents near by him, close to hand.
> 
> _*He can't have that now. His 'mother' stole it from him.*_


If they reconcile, he *can* have that again. It isn't up to him however. It isn't even up to dad. It's up to mom.

Peyot, please treat your depression issues now. Not in any expectation that she'll come back, but just to help you live your life no matter what happens. If she is your motive, it will be bad if she doesn't come back and may offset your progress. Use your son as your motive.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I made it VERY clear that it would be unacceptable for me to allow my son to be there if the OM is going to be there. And I have NO doubt that she is not going to let it happen


Give up on this. It will happen if not already happened indeed.
In her mind all is normal, she's totally justified, she feels no shame, she's rewriting, poisoning mutual friends and family. At any given minute she will find shocking she had to put up with you for so long, emotional abusive monster you are.
OM will be introduced very soon as her new friend, likely it happened already as I told.
Even f sheagrees and divorce papers include the "morality clause" there's no way to enforce it. She will give a sh!it. Judges give sh!t. She will behave at her timeline. Very soon it will be too much trouble to visit OM a certain day she have your daughter, she will cross that line and then all will be normal.
What it worse is even friends and family will see it as normal too. If you complain to them they will give you the proverbial get over it, move on. Sh1t happens.


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

JCD said:


> If they reconcile, he *can* have that again. It isn't up to him however. It isn't even up to dad. It's up to mom.
> 
> Peyot, please treat your depression issues now. Not in any expectation that she'll come back, but just to help you live your life no matter what happens. If she is your motive, it will be bad if she doesn't come back and may offset your progress. Use your son as your motive.


I am working on that issue with a psy and with some medication. I am doing it for me and for my son, not for her. 

You are right, he can have it back. But as you said it is up to her.


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Give up on this. It will happen if not already happened indeed.
> .


My son would have told me if he had met a guy at his mom's flat. 

But what do you suggest? That I go break the guy's neck right now ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Petyot said:


> My son would have told me if he had met a guy at his mom's flat.
> 
> But what do you suggest? That I go break the guy's neck right now ?


No violence.

Raise your concerns with Child Protection Services (doesn't hurt to have him checked against the sex offender records) and ask your lawyer for his advice.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> But what do you suggest? That I go break the guy's neck right now ?


No violence at all. Talk to your lawyer. He will telk what your rights are but he will tell you to be realistic. At the end it will only deneds on your STBXW and she's already in ME ME ME mode.
What I tell you is try your best to delay it but It will happen. At your WW's timeline. Embrace the idea you can't control her. Not even in this.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Petyot said:


> It's so hard to understand that in less than 45 days I have disappeared from her life. How can someone erase you from her life in so little time after 13 years of living together and with a son of 6 years ?


Pet, when a woman gives you the ole, " I love you but I'm not in love with you", it means she's in love with and more than likely sleeping with someone else. She didn’t turn cold on you 45 days ago. She’s was thinking about getting rid of you and had erased you long before that. And the new guy came along after she'd decided to jettison you so you're wasting time blaming him. 
Why didn't she give you a head up before she was ready to pull the plug? Because women don't do that.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Petyot said:


> I understand what you say. For my son (he is 6), there is no affair, just parents that are not in love anymore. We told him that she was the one that was not in love anymore. There is no reason for me to destroy my son by telling him bad things on his mother...


Agree.

I would not label her a "bad Mother." You are very wise OP to not bad-mouth her to your son.

I am concerned that she may be doing that as she re-writes your marital history but I hope not.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

Petyot said:


> My son would have told me if he had met a guy at his mom's flat.
> 
> But what do you suggest? That I go break the guy's neck right now ?


Going to prison will not help your son. You need to be there for him.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Her A was an exit A, she planned it long before so there is nothing you can do to change her mind.

She didn't change in 45 days may be she took yrs and was waiting for right time.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

:rofl::rofl::rofl: sometime its good to have friends in low places


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Petyot said:


> Hi everybody,
> 
> To make a long story short, here is in a few words what happened to me :
> 
> ...


Because she was detaching from the marriage for quite a while before you found out about it. The affair was one of the symptom of the detachment. She checked out a long time back while she was in the marriage and is more adjusted to the reality. You found out that the family is breaking up recently. The acceptance will take time


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Because she was detaching from the marriage for quite a while before you found out about it. The affair was one of the symptom of the detachment. She checked out a long time back while she was in the marriage and is more adjusted to the reality. You found out that the family is breaking up recently. The acceptance will take time


I guess you are right...


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Her A was an exit A, she planned it long before so there is nothing you can do to change her mind.
> 
> She didn't change in 45 days may be she took yrs and was waiting for right time.


That is what I begin to understand...  only too late


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Petyot,

Too late for her.

Because your wife is labeled a coward, a liar and a cheater. And she did it to herself.

For you, it will be time to improve you, get your depression fixed and find a new , honest beautiful woman.

Work on you, mourn the loss of your marriageand pretend your wife is dead. Because the woman you fell in love with is dead.

Keep posting.

How old are you by the way?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I respectfully disagree.

I tell my children that EVERYONE is an example: Some are good examples and some are bad examples.

I'd go meet this guy in public with my son. "Son, this is the man who is trying to seduce your mother into a divorce. He wants sex and he's not sorry about breaking up a marriage to do it.

So if you see him again, tell me and know him for the low person he is: selfish, greedy, lustful and uncaring. Your mother isn't happy with me for her own reasons but THIS man is making them much worse. You're old enough to know this.  You are, by the way, allowed to spit on him if you'd like."

This isn't using the child...much. It is informing him WHY things are happeing the way they are, how other people are involved and sends a message to wifey that her 'happily ever after' with son looking adoringly to the OM just isn't going to happen. She can have the OM. She can have her son. She is unlikely to have both.

Now she may be angry enough to check out of the marriage anyway. But worst comes to worst, by poisioning that well, you may very well get custody and mom doesn't get to be St. Mom.

This conversation would be better in front of HIS family if you can arrange it. Maybe in front of his mom.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

It seems your wife has moved on some time ago, I agree.

You need to get yourself straight, physically and mentally - you can do that, and if you think it's too hard at times, you need to pretend. 

Think about getting ready to date, how would you prepare? Get in shape, if you're not, seek out joyfull environments/company to improve your mood.

It will help you move on and be happy about it. And the side effect.... nothing will bother your wife more than watching you get rid of that depression as soon as she moves out, getting ready to replace her asap.


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Petyot,
> 
> Too late for her.
> 
> ...


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

cpacan said:


> It seems your wife has moved on some time ago, I agree.
> 
> You need to get yourself straight, physically and mentally - you can do that, and if you think it's too hard at times, you need to pretend.
> 
> ...


Yes, I realize my wife moved away some time ago. 

I am physically in shape but not emotionally... 

I am working hard on my depression to get rid of it and move on in my life


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Peyton

We are the same age so I get it.

You asked how your wife could move on with no emotions?

It could be the fog but in the end who cares.

You will drive yourself crazy trying to understand the actions of a crazy person......

Do you see there is no rational explanation to her nonsense.

So all I can say is focus on you. Get your depression under control. It would not surprise me if her A went on for much longer than you realize or have evidence of. Especially based on ow fast she moved out.

Get your Divorce one, move on and find happiness with your family. I assure you that there are great women out there who have their heads screwed on tight.

Use your energies on you and your child. Not on understanding her. 

HM64


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

You put it perfectly MattMatt. These cheaters who think they are only cheating on they're spouse and still consider themselves good parent make me sick.


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Peyton
> 
> We are the same age so I get it.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your support!


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

Petyot said:


> Not proud but not ashamed. She doesn't seems to realize that what she did was wrong.
> 
> She is also rewriting our couple's history to make what she did appears very normal.




The last sentence you wrote here is one of the top 3 or 4 things that fires me up the most about my wife's affair. I can't get a real sense of the kind of person you are yet, but I think you might need to focus on with you just said for a minute.

If she seems to only be rewriting your relationship history in her head and not telling others about it, you can pretty much disregard my post. This is more suited if she is telling other people the "rewritten" story in order to make herself look better in the eyes of others.. 

To what extent has she rewritten you relationship history? Has she bad mouthed you behind your back to friends and family? Has she made you out to be the bad guy? Do any of your friends or family seem less than interested in your emotions and feelings right now, and more supportive of her? All things things happened to me. My wife made me out to be this insensitive, emotionally unresponsive, villain to all of my friends and family. She never said I was a bad father, lucky for her, but she did make some comments to others that actually had them believing that, what she was doing was for the best. Not saying they thought the way she was going about it was the right thing to do, but they understood she wanted out.

I tell you this because honestly it seems to me that you are interested in trying to get her back or just understend what she is doing. I can't be sure from your posts yet. I found that my wife told her friends about her affair after DD, but she never told them anything more than, I had figured out she was cheating. Well, I made it a point to go tell everyone my side of the story as quickly as I could. And this is when I found out about all the lies she was saying. I corrected them all and notified my wife that everyone knew the whole truth. She woke up real fast. 

She is still living in the fog of her affair. Blast that fog away by giving her no way to hide her lies. She will still have them in her head, but once she realizes everyone knows the truth they will start to fall apart in her head. I think you may see a change in her pretty soon after taking this approach.

Will she come back to you? I can't answer that. But at the very least you will feel better. Personally I don't care if someone doesn't like me. Everyone has the right to form opinions of me as they see fit and I could never blame them for thinking this way. It's only when people have opinions of me based on lies that I stand up and give a ****. 

I'm sorry if none of this applies to you, but your statement struck a nerve with me, and I thought it could help you.

Good luck!


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

My guess is she has been having this affair for way longer than 2 months before DD  She checked out a long time ago. Sucks. Been there.


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