# Feeling Torn At Times



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

2nd marriage. Married for 12 years. When hubby and I get together with his kids and some times with his kids and mine I've had two episodes where he will get food for him and his kids and not me. Tonight he gave his step daughter from his first marriage and her boyfriend money to get some food at a baseball game. My kids and I were 4 seats down and we weren't asked. I just saw her walk with the food and my husband was handed something. My 22 YO daughter saw him giving the SD the money. My daughter gets hurt states this behavior is part of the reason why she doesn't like to come and stay with us during break. 3 months ago, hubby, his son and the son's GF were at a draft party and hubby brought 3 cookies back from a tray: popped one in his mouth and then gave son and GF one. I told my daughter to focus on those who want to be with her. I get sad because I feel in the middle. After the game my daughter asked my son if he was hungry and hubby got us food.

Do I disengage? Anyone else been in my shoes? Sounds petty when I type this but feel its a symptom of something bigger...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Is your husband aware of his behaviour - have you mentioned it to him? 
How old are the kids? 
Are there any other things happening that make you and your kids feel excluded?


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Willowfin said:


> Is your husband aware of his behaviour - have you mentioned it to him?
> How old are the kids?
> Are there any other things happening that make you and your kids feel excluded?


1) Is he aware himself? I don't know. I think he gets so wrapped up with his kids that he simply forgets.
2) Have I made him aware? Yes with the cookie incident I reached over and grabbed one from the tray and said "thank you!"..up eat as we were in public. I took the cookie out of his mouth gave it to me and stormed off. Later that night I told him I felt excluded and hurt. No apology. A couple of times when he was having very long conversations with them and we were excluded. He became defensive. Can't remember how I raised it. 
3) Ages: His: 24 YO son, 26 YO married daughter w/2 kids and 28-29ish step-daughter from his first marriage. My kids, 24 YO son with autism (acts more like a 13 YO) and 22YO daughter
4) Other things happening...on holidays he tends to gravitate to his kids and ignore us. He will thank them for coming to Thanksgiving meal but will not publicly thank me for being up since 4 AM cooking it. He will thank me privately. We are going on a cruise with his kids, sister and parents. My daughter was invited but declined due to college classes. My son has a special needs cruise 3 weeks earlier. Based on prior cruises Im going to chose btn listening to them talk or just going off on my own and finding something I like to do. I'm going to try to inject myself a bit more but Id be lying if didn't say Im not as happy about this cruise as everyone else

We recently had a weekend trip just the two of us and it was great so this is not a miserable situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

His children are now at an age where they are off living their own lives. Maybe he is more attentive to them as he is afraid that his days feeling needed and useful are numbered.
Mothers have traditionally a closer bond with their children and fathers often feel surplus to requirements emotionally - but financially still useful. (hence paying for the treats etc). Does your H relate well to your son at all? How does your daughter display her disapproval of the perceived rejection? 
Not sure if your comment to your daughter helps the situation - could be enforcing the perceived rejection. 

In fairness - a lot of H's would thank guests and forget to thank the cook! 
While you might see it that they are not including you (cruise chatting etc) - they might view you as being standoffish. Make a bigger effort to engage in the conversation and note the outcome. 
If nothing changes then it might be time for a carefully worded conversation with H. (to avoid him getting defensive).


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

1) my Hisband is awesome with my son

2) my daughter will tell me what words/actions hurt her to me in private usually as it is happening. She then tells me that this is why she doesn't like to come home. 

3) comment to my Daughter made in the heat of me moment because I felt bad that she was hurt. It was her first night home, I hadn't seen her for close to 6 months and I said it to have her focus on what is good and my opinion has been you can't make someone like/love you so focus your time on those who do. It's hard to know what the right thing is to say.

4)agree that my being quiet could be considered standoffish so it's an active behavioral change for me to jump in. I recognized that recently and do make an effort. 

I am an outgoing person who doesn't know a stranger. After 10+ years of his kids coming over to the house, walking past me (and sometimes my kids), not saying hello and jumping into conversations with my H I just withdrew. His daughter and I are probably the closest and if everyone in his family is there and my kids aren't we will definitely talk. His son recently will talk to me. The step-daughter is polite and will say hello but then she and H or she, son and H will engage H only in animated and extended conversations (their backs--including H's turned to me so I feel a physical and conversational barrier to my involvement). I guess Im very conscious about not making either my kids or H feel left out if the 4 of us go somewhere. It's odd to feel left out in your own home! 

Part of me also steps back to let him have one on one time with them. They are all local. The son and his girlfriend are moving out after living here for 9 months.


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

The change will also have to come from your husband - absolutely unacceptable to be treated like that after ten years (and even longer together). 
Is there bad history there between you and his children - (did he leave their mum for you?). Have you noticed how they treat the son's girlfriend - do they include her in their conversations? 

If you feel you're not getting anywhere with your husband - I'd go so far as to plonk myself right in the middle of the group and act oblivious to any discomfort or rejection that follows and see how that works.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

1) Bad history: yes. Their marriage was in jeopardy for some time due to her drinking. There was also infidelity on both of their parts. When I met him he told me he was divorcing. He wasn't truthful but by the time I realized they were not in the final stage of divorce It was too late. Toxic scenario. Today I am able to have polite conversations and even treated his ex, her husband , H's daughter, my daughter and grand daughter to lunch and we had a great time 

2) the GF is treated very nicely. Husband will bend over backwards to converse with her.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Note your daughter is pretty sensitive, looks for slights, and notices them right away. Your husband needs to try harder because your daughter has her antenna on 24/7 looking for slights.


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