# Made a decision, feeling better..



## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Well, after a conversation with all concerned, guided by my therapist, I decided to cut all contact between my wife and my son. (Step-mother.) I was a little surprised to learn that he was starting to feel some resentment about her leaving. I had planned on at least letting them have one last brief visit at our house to say goodbyes, and he didn't even want that. He said it would just make it harder, and he just wants us all to move on. His girlfriend broke up with him a few days ago. It's been his first serious relationship. At that age (14), breakups occur over the silliest thing. Anyway, that being the first time he really cared for a girl and had feelings for her, I think it put it into perspective for him, and he can relate to how I feel. I hate that he had to have his first heartbreak, but of course it won't be the last at his age. 

So anyhow, my son arrived yesterday for his summer visitation, and being with him has filled my heart right up for now. I want to get back and reply to a lot on my other posts, but I won't be able to post as much while he's here. We will have a hard time fitting all the things in there are to do here. It's been great for me already. I'm not sure how I'll feel when he leaves, but it's great to have some relief for now, and he'l be here until later in June. 

Many of you were right. At least in my case, a relationship between her and my son will only make things harder on all three of us. We're all three better off for this. I'll be back as often as I can to catch up on my posts. Thank you all so much again. I hope everyone else is making positive progress and hanging in there.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Just a suggestion, not creating a new thread for every update. Makes your story a PITA to follow, as different threads get updated and replied to.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

As long as this is what he wants, then its good for you to support that.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Well enjoy your time with your son, I'm sure it will be a good time and process for you, your situation and for your son as well. I can imagine you coming away from this time with a very different outlook, one which is more enabling for you to go forward, be out there and enjoying life.

Have fun ;-)


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Sorry about that, DayOne. I just figured it'd be effective to organize my posts by significant events. I'll refrain in the future. It's what we both want, 3x. He doesn't want the pain of her memory to linger. Once I realized that he was already feeling like cutting her off before we even talked, it really just reinforced my feelings much more. My son's fickle girlfriend (14 yr olds) broke up with him for no particular reason just before he left to come here. It was the first time he really had feelings for a girl. I think it really put things in perspective for him. 

I broke the news to her as tactfully as possible. I got no response for a couple of days. I was feeling better and better, and we were moving on and minding our own business. She sent me a text that said... "I need you to know I will never forgive you for this. Have a nice life! I wish you the best, and even more so for your son."

I had explained to her that it's what he truly wanted, but of course she thinks I've just persuaded him to be this way. I've been pretty angry ever since I got the message, and so I'm back to vent. I did not react well. I let her have it. She didn't care about the bad situation he would be in when we weren't going to have a safe car for him and me to travel in. She didn't care that she took off like a bat out of hell and tried to put me through the wringer. She just wanted to be his hero, and it's like she really doesn't care about his well being outside of her own interactions with him. I told her I didn't want her forgiveness anymore, and I told her I didn't think I could ever forgive her for making him feel this way. He told me he cried briefly, and then decided he didn't want to see her at all if she was leaving. That lit a fire in me. Hard when someone hurts your child. I hope she'll be able to forgive herself one day.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

lost_without_her said:


> Sorry about that, DayOne. I just figured it'd be effective to organize my posts by significant events. I'll refrain in the future. It's what we both want, 3x. He doesn't want the pain of her memory to linger. Once I realized that he was already feeling like cutting her off before we even talked, it really just reinforced my feelings much more. My son's fickle girlfriend (14 yr olds) broke up with him for no particular reason just before he left to come here. It was the first time he really had feelings for a girl. I think it really put things in perspective for him.
> 
> I broke the news to her as tactfully as possible. I got no response for a couple of days. I was feeling better and better, and we were moving on and minding our own business. She sent me a text that said... "*I need you to know I will never forgive you for this. Have a nice life! I wish you the best, and even more so for your son."*
> 
> ...


Your son is smart. You should learn from him. When someone dumps on you why waste your time trying to be Mr Nice Guy fixit?

*Cut her completey off block everything and learn from this. Any interaction is just a waste of your time and energy. Why bother?*


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Your son is smart. You should learn from him. When someone dumps on you why waste your time trying to be Mr Nice Guy fixit?
> 
> *Cut her completey off block everything and learn from this. Any interaction is just a waste of your time and energy. Why bother?*


The most difficult lesson I ever internalized during our struggle was to completely cut off my wife and ignore her. The first time, she insisted on pushing her way back into my life.. False R

The next time, I kept the stonewall up for over 6 months. This included socializing with several female friends.

When she returned, she said she wanted to be with me forever. I told her to start acting like it.

Our 10th anniversary will be this year.

Lost Without Her - this is the right course, no matter the outcome.

Any other course will subject you to emotional hell for as long as you permit.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

I agree, it's the only solution for me. I realized that the day he got here. She keeps showing me that she really is the selfish person that I felt like she was so many times. She text my son yesterday morning. It said... "I will respect your decision, but I need you to know that I will love you forever, and I will always be there for you."

Revisiting the text she sent me, it started with.. "I need you to know I will never forgive you for this." "I need. I need. I need." Ultimately, all she did was reopen the wounds when she text me 3 days ago, and she reopened both of our wounds when she text him yesterday. That boy has a mother and father with two families that would die for him. He doesn't need her to be there for him, it's what he wanted. What about.. "he needs?" 

I think she just had to get her last selfish one sided needs expressed. I don't think I'll hear back. I politely told her. "With all due respect, if you text him again, I'll block your number from his phone. All you did was reopen the wounds when you text me a few days ago, and when you text him today. Leave it be and let us heal, please. He doesn't need you to be there for him anymore. He needs to move on."

So, though it has set me back a couple steps, I think she'll let it go now that she got her last words in. I think all she cares about is.. "I need" in all aspects of her life right now, and maybe that's all she ever really did care about at the end of the day.. I'm really having a hard time relieving the frustration. It sucks that she can still trigger my anger, but I guess the more she stabs me in the back, the easier it is to see her for what she really is. Thanks all.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She's told you and shown you who/what she is. Many refuse to believe it. Don't be one of them.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

lost_without_her said:


> I agree, it's the only solution for me. I realized that the day he got here. She keeps showing me that she really is the selfish person that I felt like she was so many times. She text my son yesterday morning. It said... "I will respect your decision, but I need you to know that I will love you forever, and I will always be there for you."
> 
> Revisiting the text she sent me, it started with.. "I need you to know I will never forgive you for this." "I need. I need. I need." Ultimately, all she did was reopen the wounds when she text me 3 days ago, and she reopened both of our wounds when she text him yesterday. That boy has a mother and father with two families that would die for him. He doesn't need her to be there for him, it's what he wanted. What about.. "he needs?"
> 
> ...


You should have expected her reaction and text. You already knew in the back of your head her reaction was going to be this. I understand your frustration and wanting to respond back to her but in the future your best course is to not engage and respond. Write it down to vent to yourself but don't send it to her. I probably have half a novel in responses written down I wanted to tell my crazy ex, they are shoved in a drawer somewhere or thrown out now. 

She sent the text to push your buttons and you took to bait and responded and tried to push her buttons. Next time don't respond. While it may be frustrating for you in the moment your silence will frustrate her more than anything.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> You should have expected her reaction and text. You already knew in the back of your head her reaction was going to be this. I understand your frustration and wanting to respond back to her but in the future your best course is to not engage and respond. Write it down to vent to yourself but don't send it to her. I probably have half a novel in responses written down I wanted to tell my crazy ex, they are shoved in a drawer somewhere or thrown out now.
> 
> She sent the text to push your buttons and you took to bait and responded and tried to push her buttons. Next time don't respond. While it may be frustrating for you in the moment your silence will frustrate her more than anything.


Repeat this until you can't speak anymore... ."Talk Less - Do More"

Lost - in the current arrangement, the LAST person on earth she will listen to is you.

Do not waste your breath trying to "convince" her of anything. It simply makes you look weak.

And, I damned well guarantee.... she'll respond to weakness the way she always has - as an emotional steamroller.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Thank you all for the great advice and for helping me hold it together. The fact is, I have been weak. I have been weak for a long time, but I'm getting stronger. I'm done being weak and feeling weak. I should have just not responded at all, like my son had the sense to do. I hope she just doesn't contact either one of us anymore, but if she does, I'll just block her number from his phone, and I'll build on my strength by resisting any urge to respond. I've GOT to take the trigger to my anger out of her hands. Thanks again. Marc, that has become one of my favorite quotes ever, by Maya Angelou. Oh too true. I'm learning, albeit about 20 years too late. Better late than never.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

lost_without_her said:


> Thank you all for the great advice and for helping me hold it together. The fact is, I have been weak. I have been weak for a long time, but I'm getting stronger. I'm done being weak and feeling weak. I should have just not responded at all, like my son had the sense to do. *I hope she just doesn't contact either one of us anymore, but if she does, I'll just block her number from his phone,* and I'll build on my strength by resisting any urge to respond. I've GOT to take the trigger to my anger out of her hands. Thanks again. Marc, that has become one of my favorite quotes ever, by Maya Angelou. Oh too true. I'm learning, albeit about 20 years too late. Better late than never.


No, you block her number now. You don't wait for a second time. A strong person just does it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You want to stop being weak?

You can start by not taking her bait. No contact goes into effect starting right now, no matter what she says or does.

And, as Marc has suggested, block her number on not your and your son's phones.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> You want to stop being weak?
> 
> You can start by not taking her bait. No contact goes into effect starting right now, no matter what she says or does.
> 
> And, as Marc has suggested, block her number on not your and your son's phones.


I agree here farside, but I can't quite block her from my phone yet. I don't respond unless it's absolutely necessary. She text me a couple days ago asking me to let her know if I would be out of the house this weekend so she could come by and get more stuff. I haven't even responded to that. I really don't want to talk to her at all. That being said, I'll let her know if we are going to be away from the house, and then we'll have to communicate about finalizing the divorce in the near future. We also have to settle a mutual loan debt, and that will take a couple months, but after that, she'll be blocked from both of our phones. I appreciate your encouragement.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lost_without_her said:


> I agree here farside, but I can't quite block her from my phone yet. I don't respond unless it's absolutely necessary. She text me a couple days ago asking me to let her know if I would be out of the house this weekend so she could come by and get more stuff. I haven't even responded to that. I really don't want to talk to her at all. That being said, I'll let her know if we are going to be away from the house, and then we'll have to communicate about finalizing the divorce in the near future. We also have to settle a mutual loan debt, and that will take a couple months, but after that, she'll be blocked from both of our phones. I appreciate your encouragement.


Pack up all her crap and leave it on her porch.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Pack up all her crap and leave it on her porch.



I would... I'm sure tired of looking at it... she has a key though. She won't give it back until she has all her stuff. Hard telling when she'll actually get it all. She'll come here and get a handful of clothes then leave. If I didn't have to answer to a landlord and the HOA, it would all be on the porch. I'm hoping she gets everything this weekend, and then all that's left is to file and get it over with for good. At this point, I'm ready. I didn't treat her well, provoked or not, but I sure as hell would never treat her like this. No coming back from this.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

lost_without_her said:


> I would... I'm sure tired of looking at it... she has a key though. She won't give it back until she has all her stuff. Hard telling when she'll actually get it all. She'll come here and get a handful of clothes then leave.


And this is exactly why you should pack it all and have it ready to leave in ONE trip. She will piece meal this over several trips/days which ends up hurting you more as you come home each time and see another piece of your old life gone. Pack it up and be done with it, take one more excuse away from her to keep in contact.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

honcho said:


> And this is exactly why you should pack it all and have it ready to leave in ONE trip. She will piece meal this over several trips/days which ends up hurting you more as you come home each time and see another piece of your old life gone. Pack it up and be done with it, take one more excuse away from her to keep in contact.


I guess I could pack it up in boxes and put it in the garage or basement. I'm definitely ready for it all to be out of my face.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

lost_without_her said:


> I guess I could pack it up in boxes and put it in the garage or basement. I'm definitely ready for it all to be out of my face.


Pack it all up.

Drive it to Public Storage and rent a unit for $1.00 for the first month.

Leave the key to the unit with the attendant.

Text your wife and tell her where the stuff is.

Turn off your phone.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FTR....I know I have given you some examples about my family and the relationship between my ex and my kid that has endured. I wanted to just chime in here and say that if that relationship (your son and wife) isn't a good one to continue, then of course, do not continue it.

But I also wanted to comment on how this triggered your anger again.

It is clear that all of this hurts you very much, and that's what is really beneath your anger. The problem is that when someone emotionally hurts us and we respond with anger, that person has no clue (or care sometimes) that they've hurt you, but they also now see this angry person and just feel completely justified in doing whatever it was that hurt you.

What you should strive for with her is indifference. If you can find a place in yourself where you are indifferent to her actions toward you, then you can slough off some more of that anger.

I will add (this is very tender for me so I don't intend to expand it beyond this paragraph, but)...when my ex and I were getting close to a split, there were some words thrown around that somewhat parallel this situation you are describing. It did not have to do with my son, but with others we were both close to when we were together. There was a lot of hurt and anger, similar to your situation, on all sides. There were also bonds broken that can never be fixed now (short of totally starting over but that likely will never happen). 

Now that my ex and I have really settled and become true friends, I highly regret those particular circumstances and words, and I know he does, too. I can see now that we were both just hurt, frightened about our new realities as separate people, and were actually grasping at straws but just were too emotional and fragile to actually clutch on to anything real. So we devolved into actions and words that we now regret.

I'm adding this because I'm hoping you and your wife both can get to a place of more graciousness with each other. Divorce is ugly business. Money is lost, bonds get broken, everyone's life sucks for awhile. It is completely normal when people are going through the crisis of divorce for them to act in ways that they later regret. Though hopefully people can also cut themselves a break knowing they truly were in crisis at the time (I have had to do this with myself now).

I'm not saying she and your son should ever be in contact. I'm just saying that I hope one day after you both really have moved on, you will no longer be affected at all by the words she is saying now...it will be seen for what it was...a difficult moment in time for you both, with no play book, and little emotional resources because you really are both in crisis.

The more you move toward indifference, the better you will feel. 

There are a lot of people here saying the equivalent of "she's a lying, cheating, whatever and doesn't deserve your kindness or forgiveness, screw her!" 

But this type of attitude will never allow you to release the anger. There is a more peaceful way through this. The sooner you find peace about all of it, the sooner you really can move on and transition into your new life. As a divorced person who is dating again, I can say that those who went through the "screw her!" type of feelings are the ones who remain bitter even years later. It is unpleasant to encounter these people on dates. It is much better to meet a person who - - even if they were totally screwed over - - doesn't have obvious bitterness when speaking about their ex. And I mean it will become evident soon enough if a person is just acting like they aren't bitter but they really are.

In order to avoid ending up bitter about her, your marriage, marriage in general, women in general, etc....it is best to strive for indifference. It is the healthiest way for you to recover.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> FTR....I know I have given you some examples about my family and the relationship between my ex and my kid that has endured. I wanted to just chime in here and say that if that relationship (your son and wife) isn't a good one to continue, then of course, do not continue it.
> 
> But I also wanted to comment on how this triggered your anger again.
> 
> ...


I like a lot of what FW writes here, lost, and she is definitely, imo, one of the healthiest people on your threads.

But I do not think indifference is something to strive for. It may happen on its own as you become healthier. And I hope you will pursue professional counseling with that goal in mind.

What I would strive for is the healthiest possible outcome for everyone concerned. Try to keep everyone's needs in mind. Try to allow some space and understanding for reactive emotions in all of you.

Neither you nor she are bad people, lost. You seem like emotional people, like many of us. We tend to say things in the moment that we might not if we were in a better, calmer, more empathetic place.

Be open to forgiveness of yourselves and each other, if not now, then at some future point. It is awfully heavy to carry around anger and bitterness all our lives.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Thank you for the words. It wasn't too long ago, I was thinking more like you have described. I thought that we could be friends. I thought we could show basic respect for one another and at least make this process more bearable for each other. I definitely did not want it to be a bitter situation. 

The problem is, once we established that we would show each other respect going forward, she did not. I’m not saying she’s a bad person, and I’m not saying that she intended to disrespect me. She just didn’t care. It made me reflect on just how much of our life together was exactly the same way. 

I do forgive her. I know I have to forgive her for my own benefit and for my son too. I wasn’t happy chasing her our whole life. I was pretty miserable. There’s no sense on being hung up on someone who never really treated me like “the one.” 

I would like to feel indifferent about her actions toward me, but being honest with myself, that’s going to take a long time. I think that’s why it’s best that we’re just not interacting at all. I don’t share the “screw her” mentality. I do wish her the best, and a part of me will always love the girl I fell in love with. I just feel it’s going to be better for us all if we just cut all ties forever. 

As far as my son, he’s 100% done with her. I struggled with the thought of ending their relationship. I thought he would hate me. I assumed way too much. We both assumed and told him… “don’t worry.. you’ll still get to see her.. etc.” It wasn’t until my therapy sessions that I realized.. we didn’t even ask him what he wanted. She wouldn’t sit down with me to talk to him about it, but when I did, he made it very clear he just wanted to be done with her and move on. We both wish her well, but we both know we have to focus on getting ourselves well and getting back to taking over the world for us again.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Update: I haven't been posting much. My son is here for his summer visit, and we've been having a blast. We are closer than ever, and he has saved my life. I'm going to hate it when he leaves in a few days. Nonetheless, he has given me so much strength, and thank goodness after the hit I took yesterday. I don't even know exactly what on earth to think about it. I found out that my wife did indeed have an affair, making it much easier for her to leave and cope with the end of our marriage. Here's the thing. She had an affair and left me for... a woman. How on earth do I process that? I feel like she's lost her mind. I don't think I had disclosed this previously to you all, because I was embarrassed about it, I guess, but I actually accused her of carrying on with this woman months before the fight and the separation. 

She had gotten seriously jealous one night because this girl had told her that she was making out with a co-worker. It made me really uncomfortable, and I confronted her. I told her it didn't feel great that she was so jealous about this girl. The girl was openly gay and they work together. She had hit on her several times, which also bothered me. Ultimately, I told her that I felt like there was more going on there than she was telling me. She told me I was "f*&kin crazy." 

Well, I started to think I must be too. It was out there, but it's what my instincts were telling me. I'll never ignore my instincts again. It turns out that it's all true, and I was 100% right about it all. The end result is the same... She didn't / doesn't want me. I'm not trying to take away from my negative contributions at all. Maybe she wouldn't have done this if I had been bigger, but that would have required me not getting angry when she was constantly cheating. It's such a blow to my ego and my heart to find out she would abandon me and my son for a woman. This just keeps getting worse and worse, but at least I know the truth now. "The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wow, what a shocker.

Well, it is for the best it ended. She needs to follow her orientation. 

And you and your son seem to be doing better than ever. 

Just keep working on yourself. It can only make your life better.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

lost_without_her said:


> Update: I haven't been posting much. My son is here for his summer visit, and we've been having a blast. We are closer than ever, and he has saved my life. I'm going to hate it when he leaves in a few days. Nonetheless, he has given me so much strength, and thank goodness after the hit I took yesterday. I don't even know exactly what on earth to think about it. I found out that my wife did indeed have an affair, making it much easier for her to leave and cope with the end of our marriage. Here's the thing. She had an affair and left me for... a woman. How on earth do I process that? I feel like she's lost her mind. I don't think I had disclosed this previously to you all, because I was embarrassed about it, I guess, but I actually accused her of carrying on with this woman months before the fight and the separation.
> 
> She had gotten seriously jealous one night because this girl had told her that she was making out with a co-worker. It made me really uncomfortable, and I confronted her. I told her it didn't feel great that she was so jealous about this girl. The girl was openly gay and they work together. She had hit on her several times, which also bothered me. Ultimately, I told her that I felt like there was more going on there than she was telling me. She told me I was "f*&kin crazy."
> 
> Well, I started to think I must be too. It was out there, but it's what my instincts were telling me. I'll never ignore my instincts again. It turns out that it's all true, and I was 100% right about it all. The end result is the same... She didn't / doesn't want me. I'm not trying to take away from my negative contributions at all. Maybe she wouldn't have done this if I had been bigger, but that would have required me not getting angry when she was constantly cheating. It's such a blow to my ego and my heart to find out she would abandon me and my son for a woman. This just keeps getting worse and worse, but at least I know the truth now. "The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."


LWH..... you should change your handle to thread-hopper 8>)

Everything you have posted on this thread, what she said, what she did.... did it honestly surprise 

you? When you are at 50k ft. and you separate your emotion from logic, everything makes sense.

Not saying you can understand and accept everything, at that moment. Her crap is still there....

for a reason (to manipulate and push your buttons). She texts you when she is bored or feels

her grip on you is evaporating. She texts your son because she knows it is a round about way to

still..... get to you. 

Now..... #1-Add up all the time she has taken away from you, focusing on her, while your son

was with you.... and the fact you will not get to see him again for awhile. STOP allowing her in 

your Gdamn head. Do we / I need to 2x4 you? #2-Follow RTZs lead on her crap, block her #

on your phone and your son's phone. #3-Get the locks changed. #4-File for D the minute your

son leaves. TRUST ME....... your dingbat W would sleep with a drunk midget drag queen at a 

tractor pull.... if they showed her attention. She is an emotional vampire.

Contact your ex and warn her about your dingbat Ws desire to pull your son into her

drama triangle. And make working on you a daily job.


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