# Husband looking for online dating while separated; help!



## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi , i need some advise on what I have been going through .Im 1 month and 1 week into my separation ...It started with a heated argument, which I ended up degrating him and telling him that hes a conformist and doesnt want to progress for the good of our family. I apologized next day. he accepted, however love came up in a conversation and thats when he said hes not sure if he loves me and wants to continue on. We separted due to him trying to sort his feelings, as he's not sure if he loves me or not. a week ago, I found out he registered for causual dating for married people.. I was numb and shocked!!! He Married young and never had the chance for a single life,, when we hooked up I told them about that, and he ddidnt care,, he wanted to be with me and loved me and loved me to death .. we have been together for 14 yrs, married 5 months. I feel he used the argument as an excuse to leave!! I regreat giving him that option ,, I told him he could stay and we can work it out ,or leave to really think long and hard to see what he wants in life...and he chose to leave. now to see he's looking for online dating ,, thats humiliating to me, i feel embarassed and grossed out. He knows how much I love him ... sex was never the issue we had fun. so I knew that wasnt the issue. .. he does not communicate.. thats a big factor .. I love him so much and my 6 yr old misses him immensly .... I have been trying to seek help on this matter... if he ends up hooking with anybody. thats it as much as it will hurt . but im still hoping he will snap out of it... hes a really private person, and keeps to himself and hardly talks to anyone about his problems, including me, which im sure is one of the issues. ........ he's 32 yrs old.... could he be going through a midlife crisis? Could he just be wanted to know how the single life would be? pls help .. need advise or help .. hes not a young lad anymore,, he knows whats right from wrong, yet he still seeks people sex, and to have fun!! I dont get it


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

kathr1322 said:


> Hi , i need some advise on what I have been going through .Im 1 month and 1 week into my separation ...It started with a heated argument, which I ended up degrating him and telling him that hes a conformist and doesnt want to progress for the good of our family. I apologized next day. he accepted, however love came up in a conversation and thats when he said hes not sure if he loves me and wants to continue on. We separted due to him trying to sort his feelings, as he's not sure if he loves me or not. a week ago, I found out he registered for causual dating for married people.. I was numb and shocked!!! He Married young and never had the chance for a single life,, when we hooked up I told them about that, and he ddidnt care,, he wanted to be with me and loved me and loved me to death .. we have been together for 14 yrs, married 5 months. I feel he used the argument as an excuse to leave!! I regreat giving him that option ,, I told him he could stay and we can work it out ,or leave to really think long and hard to see what he wants in life...and he chose to leave. now to see he's looking for online dating ,, thats humiliating to me, i feel embarassed and grossed out. He knows how much I love him ... sex was never the issue we had fun. so I knew that wasnt the issue. .. he does not communicate.. thats a big factor .. I love him so much and my 6 yr old misses him immensly .... I have been trying to seek help on this matter... if he ends up hooking with anybody. thats it as much as it will hurt . but im still hoping he will snap out of it... hes a really private person, and keeps to himself and hardly talks to anyone about his problems, including me, which im sure is one of the issues. ........ he's 32 yrs old.... could he be going through a midlife crisis? Could he just be wanted to know how the single life would be? pls help .. need advise or help .. hes not a young lad anymore,, he knows whats right from wrong, yet he still seeks people sex, and to have fun!! I dont get it


You say that he has communication issues. You also state that you degraded him. Is it possible that his attempts to communicate with you result in you belittling and/or degrading him, so he gave up talking to you?

So now that you have separated, he is looking for dates on the internet? Could his self-esteem be involved it that decision? Could he believe the marriage is now over?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

If you humiliated him and he decided he needed a break, why do you think he used the separation as an excuse to start looking around? It's certainly possible, but isn't it also possible that the degradation and separation are the things that sparked his interest in looking for other women?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> If you humiliated him and he decided he needed a break, why do you think he used the separation as an excuse to start looking around? It's certainly possible, but isn't it also possible that the degradation and separation are the things that sparked his interest in looking for other women?


I think most WS use the seperation as an excuse, instead of "thinking" about their spouse and trying to love them more in person, they do the opposite. They detach and look for other people to date.

OP you mentioned his age but not yours. I am assuming youre older?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like you have a lot of work to do to improve yourself and make yourself worthy of him coming back.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How did you find out? And based on your communication issues, is it possible that your idea of a good sex life and his idea are two different things?

Have you thought about confronting him with what you know? Tell him your stance on dating while separated; maybe he's on a different page with the marriage. It's not going to just go away if you ignore it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

THank you all for your response... I am 5 yrs older than he is .... I did tell him harsh things but because we were both stressed, had just finished moving and he pushed my bottons he told me some back as well, but he what marriage doesnt have arguments, .. we hardly fight or argue... and I did apologize the next day, and he accepted, and even said lets start w/ clean slate. I am not a person that goes off and tells him off, I always ask what he thinks, and hes responses are always, "I dont know" or I guess... Communication is critical in a marriage.. .. he never gives me a straight up answer.. I keep telling him to improve on his communication for the best I try to help him with that but its not working .... maybe he used this as an excuse to leave ..... and once the option was out there to stay work it out or leave to have a clear mind of what he really wants,, but he chose to LEAVE. now being it as it may , I dont think he should be looking for trouble registering to date online,, for casual sex,, or to date for fun ... thats not right ..He just has us stringing along once he satisfies his sexcual craving to date other girls,, and sorforth ...


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

The way I found out was that I found an old Ipod of his, and when I charged it ,, its logged into his emailed, facbook . etc, so I looked. and there it was ,, so I checked it out , and sure enough,, he had the audasity to put a picture of us together, but cropped me of course.....I went into the websites,, like adultfinder, and he had his own profile page.... so I printed out and will be showing it to him to let him know that I am not an idiot. and if thats what he wants ,, then so be it ...we are supposed to meet today ,, as he's going to give me his reponse.... I think he's addicted to this .. its the 3rd time he does this to me during our 14 months.. always out of nowhere he just tells me , " I dont know if I love you anymore" but this is the first time he actually left. if he's addicted, he needs help or something, becuase I refuse to go thru this again. for my sake and my childs.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's not unusual for someone who neve experiences adulthood as a single person to want to try it out. Should have divorced you first, but he's fairly typical.

It sounds like you replaced his parents and he's now grown out of that stage of needing a parent, so he's spreading his wings. Usually, it's the older man who marries the younger woman, and he finds himself in your place when she matures and doesn't need his protection any more.

IIWY, I would just focus on what you know he does want in a marriage, and work on being that person who can provide it. He'll get tired of the dating and lonely nights soon enough. But you have to give him a reason to then pick YOU.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wait, 14 months, or 14 years?


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## cgrace (Sep 10, 2012)

kathr1322 your story sounds so familiar to mine. My husband is also a private person. When we were separated, he went on dating sites as well, while we married. That hurt so much that it pushed me to date and I ended up in a new relationship, cutting my husband out of me and my kids lives out of anger. It hurts, I know. But when my new relationship ended and my husband and I reconciled, I was scared. But I did realize a lot of it was because I was insecure with myself that I needed to hear him say I love you everyday, but never did. That slowly caused me to give him less respect, which in turn he would push away and then I would push away. It was a cycle, over and over again. 
If you are still with him and having issues, I would strongly advise you to read "Have the Relationship You Want" by Rori Raye or "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle. I normally hate reading self help books regarding marriage because I was in denial of a lot of things I couldnt see. But these books really opened my eyes, desperate to save my marriage and it seriously saved my marriage when we reconciled.


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

sorry ,,,, TURNERA ,, 14 YEARS . =)


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

thank you Cgrace,, i will definitley pick up the books,, can I ask u a ? .. how long did it take you to reconcile?


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

So do you all think ,, just to forget about today if he doesnt call? Hes supposed to call to talk ,, not I .. if he doesnst call, that tells me , ,hes happy and wants to move on with his "single" life.. should I just move on then? I hate that he has the power to choose, yet, he still has me in limbo.. SUX!!! ,,,,,he told his cousin,, hes at peace and very comfortable staying at a friends house,, Male, ,, he supervisor actually. well of course hes at peace and comfortable, he has no more bills to pay , im left with everything , ,I dont want to ask him for help... we moved into a bigger place,,, and he left 2 weeks later. I cant afford on my own ,,


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I don't think you have much claim on him while you're separated. Just seems to me that you're either together or your divorced. "separated" is just a stepping stone to divorce anyway isn't it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Personally, I would fight this. He ditched you and you deserve to be mad about it. He needs to see you mad and outraged that he's taking a coward's way out by running. Tell him that he has a financial responsibility to you and your daughter (is she his?) and if he chooses to just dump you guys, you WILL pursue legal steps to protect you two. Tell him you're willing to take him back and go to therapy to figure out what went wrong, but if he's just going to do it this way, you can't sit by and wait for him to come around.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

turnera said:


> Personally, I would fight this. He ditched you and you deserve to be mad about it. He needs to see you mad and outraged that he's taking a coward's way out by running. Tell him that he has a financial responsibility to you and your daughter (is she his?) and if he chooses to just dump you guys, you WILL pursue legal steps to protect you two. Tell him you're willing to take him back and go to therapy to figure out what went wrong, but if he's just going to do it this way, you can't sit by and wait for him to come around.


:iagree:

I totally agree.

The key when you tell him these things you need to do it calmly and not degrade him. That kind of talk does not help either of you.

And if your lease on the larger place is long, he should at least help you defray some of the cost. Especially if his name is on it as well as yours.

HM64


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## cgrace (Sep 10, 2012)

kath1322. I coudnt afford it on my own either but I had to give up the place even if it meant owing on the lease and ruining my credit. 
and you're welcome by the way. 
My husband and I been together total of 13 years now. We separated on new years eve of 2011, but agreed to separate temporarily just to get a break. However, I found out through a friend he had a profile on match.com and was messaging girls galore! So that pissed me off so much that I cut all ties with him. I knew it was wrong for the kids, but I was clouded so much by my anger! I only sent him a short goodbye email showing how stern I had become, I said goodbye in the email without saying I love you. I guess he didnt care until he found out i was in a new relationship. I really had to go dating other men to get my mind off of him. That new relationship lasted only a month. Then a week after my new relationship ended in March, my oldest son said "Daddy wants you to log online yahoo chat." So I did, and my husband started posting a dozen links to youtube love song videos. He started telling me he knows and feels the pain he put me through all our years together. He also finally called our kids crying his eyes out on how lonely it felt without them. He said all he wants is honesty now and to make me happy, then I realized I needed to believe in him to and not ever accuse him again if I really wanted to start all over (that was after reading the books). He said he wants to be honest and open so I ask him "Are you on any dating sites?" and he said "I was but I cancelled them weeks ago because I couldnt stop thinking of you guys, I didnt realize what I had until it was totally gone." 
Kathr1332, you're in danger of your heart if you dont move on, go dating and have some fun, anything to get your mind off of him! I had to do that to keep from dwelling so much. Dont expect you two to get back together, because sometimes it may not work out, who knows the next guy could be the better one for you. I had to have that perspective, as much as it was hard to, I finally did. 
If you're husband is a REAL human being, he would start to miss you and come to terms with the fact that he needs to do whatever he can to win you back, but he cant do that until he experiences how it feels to be without you for weeks, even months. NO CONTACT. BUT if he goes forward with his "single" life, it's HIS LOSS!! NOT YOURS! If he goes forward with his "single" life, then he is too full of negativity to even have a heart to realize what can be done to save his marriage -- therefore, you will see for yourself if you truly are meant to be. Sometimes people leave your heart to make space for someone else who truly is MEANT to be there.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You've been together for 14 years and he's 32. He really hasn't had a lot of time to be on his own, date and have the normal young person life. But now is the time to chose - we can't go back. I married at 20 and skipped college much to my parents' chagrin, but there is no going back. He's a parent and a husband. He had a chance to back out when you two married this year but he didn't.

However, you do need to show him you WANT him. And you can't just TELL someone to communicate. He doesn't know how and you two have to learn to communicate without denigrating one another. Initiate conversation and tell him you need to learn what the other needs out of a relationship. Before it gets too late suggest marriage counseling. 

I think most relationships are worth fighting for.


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