# When Your Drunk Spouse Hates You



## endlessgrief

My husband of 23 years is a full on alcoholic. Alcohol has been a problem in our relationship since day one. 

When the economy took a downturn and I lost my job and he had no work, his drinking increased which caused fights and lots of crying (on my part). I had to emotionally withdrawal from him (180) but he never noticed. It's been four years since he has hugged me, kissed me, said love words to me, had sex with me, or had given me a compliment.

I come from a very abusive childhood with heavy doses of put downs, mental warfare, soul killing words, and instability. It's no secret why I do and say the things I do, this is nothing new to my husband. My father (Satan) told me since I was little that if I ever got fat, my husband would leave me, everyone hates fat people, being fat is worse than cancer. My mother was obese and he openly called her a pig, fat ass, slob, and many other horrible things (he still does). 

When I went into my depression, I was sleeping a lot and gorging myself on chocolate (comfort eating which is something I have NEVER done before). Needless to say, I got fat. Since then I will not let my family see me because I become that little girl again and the thought of my family making fun of me and putting me down like my whole childhood makes me physically ill. 

My husband's behavior just cements my horrible body image and I feel crippled. He has proven my father right, which in my eyes is the greatest sin. My husband has also started to constantly tell me what my faults are. He has somehow found a pedestal and stands atop it and judges me more than he has ever done. When I call him on all of these things and relay how much they hurt, he says I am nuts and to get over it. 

It cannot be a coincidence that my weight gain coincided with his lack of interest with me physically. Yesterday he told me I will never get the same attention I used to by men because of my weight. This morning I made a joke comment about young firm 20 year olds who are in for a surprise when they hit 40 and their bodies and metabolism change and he got very angry with me. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF KARMA? WHY DO YOU WISH ILL ON OTHERS? I HATE THAT YOU DO THAT, I WOULD NEVER WISH ILL ON ANYONE, EVER!!! My comment was just a comment, not a wish. It's something I have commented on since I turned 40 and all the warnings from older women to me when I was young turned out to be true. I said I ALWAYS SAID STUFF LIKE THAT, WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED? and he said I KNOW, BUT IT'S WRONG, YOU ARE HORRIBLE AND I HAVE ALWAYS HATED WHEN YOU SAID THAT. Then he picked up one of my glass paper weights and holds it out to me and says DO YOU LIKE THIS GLASS PAPERWEIGHT? and I said YES, I LOVE IT. And he said ''I HOPE IT SHATTERS" and he left the room. 

When I get back in shape, I don't think I will ever be able to let him touch me ever again. Four years of resentment and neglect has taken their toll on my already crippled psyche. 

As anyone ever gone through this? How do you cope? How do you not let the words hurt? Can you ever love your drunk again? Do I just let go completely (I am only hanging on by a thread in this marriage).


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## Hope1964

Based on what you've written here only, I can truthfully say I would have ended that marriage years ago, ended contact with my parents, and sought therapy. But I know it isn't that easy when you're in it  I hung on to my first marriage far longer than I should have, not for the same reasons you are, but still, I do know how it happens.

Are you looking for a way or a reason to be able to end it? Do you truly want to learn how to cope, or are you done but not ready to admit it yet?


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## endlessgrief

Hope1964 said:


> Based on what you've written here only, I can truthfully say I would have ended that marriage years ago, ended contact with my parents, and sought therapy. But I know it isn't that easy when you're in it  I hung on to my first marriage far longer than I should have, not for the same reasons you are, but still, I do know how it happens.
> 
> Are you looking for a way or a reason to be able to end it? Do you truly want to learn how to cope, or are you done but not ready to admit it yet?


Thanks for responding. I attempted to end my marriage many many times due to his drinking but I was a huge enabler. I have since had therapy, attend alanon, and read everything I can get my hands on. 

I have cut contact with my family almost completely which makes my life better. I even didn't attend the last two Christmases which I have never done and which is punishable by death in my family. Best two Christmases of my life!

I keep coming back to the same conclusion, NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE HIM, I can only change myself and I do not want to waste anymore of my life waiting for him to get better. 

<<<reciting the SERENITY PRAYER in my head>>>


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## Hope1964

I think you're there. I think you can do it.


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## EleGirl

Ok I saw your picture. You are beautiful.

You did not mention children. Do you have any with him?

Why don't you leave him now?

Do you have a job?


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## movealong

Two things:

1. You are very attractive. 
2. As an alcoholic (16 months sober by the Grace of God), I can see that he would have a need to "keep you down". 

He probably already feels he is not worthy of YOU, and he needs you to feel inferior so he can maintain his illusion of superiority. 

Your reciting of the serenity prayer tells me you are already involved in recovery, which is a great thing! If you are going to AlAnon, keep going! One thing I will say though is this:

If your AlAnon group is just a gripe session, FIND A NEW GROUP!

AlAnon's need to work the 12 steps as much as the AA's do. It seems there is something holding you back, and honestly, if you have worked the Steps, then you know leaving and saving your own sanity may be not only your best option but your only option.

So long as you stay there, he will continue the path of least resistance. It seems that path is keeping you in a state of anxiety and turmoil so that you feel incapable of making a move. 

Fix you! Understand that his entire being is focused on being able to continue drinking with the least amount of resistance possible. You cannot make him stop, change, fix it, drink less, drink more, make him stand on his head and recite the Gettysburg address while imbibing a fifth of Jack Daniels or anything else.

Look in the mirror and ask a simple question:
Is this what I want for the rest of my life?


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## Why Not Be Happy?

Endless:
You know what to do-----and do it for you!
Get out! Get healthy! Spend time with friends.


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## that_girl

This made me so sad.

What your husband and dad say about overweight people is a reflection of how they feel about themselves and their own issues with gaining weight.

People of all sizes are beautiful. 

But this goes deeper than body size, and you know it does. This man is toxic, and probably just like your father. 

Do you go to al-anon? They will help you to stop enabling.


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## changedbeliefs

On top of your childhood, you've been with an alcoholic for 23 years?? I can't even imagine the damage done by now. Just get out, over, done. Go to IC, get yourself physically healthy, mentally healthy, and restart. If you're able to, move to a new place, or just do something significant to change your surroundings. Gosh, this just sounds horrible. Good luck.


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## endlessgrief

movealong said:


> Two things:
> 
> 1. You are very attractive.
> 2. As an alcoholic (16 months sober by the Grace of God), I can see that he would have a need to "keep you down".
> 
> He probably already feels he is not worthy of YOU, and he needs you to feel inferior so he can maintain his illusion of superiority.
> 
> Your reciting of the serenity prayer tells me you are already involved in recovery, which is a great thing! If you are going to AlAnon, keep going! One thing I will say though is this:
> 
> If your AlAnon group is just a gripe session, FIND A NEW GROUP!
> 
> AlAnon's need to work the 12 steps as much as the AA's do. It seems there is something holding you back, and honestly, if you have worked the Steps, then you know leaving and saving your own sanity may be not only your best option but your only option.
> 
> So long as you stay there, he will continue the path of least resistance. It seems that path is keeping you in a state of anxiety and turmoil so that you feel incapable of making a move.
> 
> Fix you! Understand that his entire being is focused on being able to continue drinking with the least amount of resistance possible. You cannot make him stop, change, fix it, drink less, drink more, make him stand on his head and recite the Gettysburg address while imbibing a fifth of Jack Daniels or anything else.
> 
> Look in the mirror and ask a simple question:
> Is this what I want for the rest of my life?


Thank you for your kind and very insightful post. Now that you mentioned it, he always HATED the attention I would get from other men. He is a quiet guy so he bottles things up so I won't know if something bothered him that happened 10 years is still simmering in his head. 

I also believe he knows when I get my body back, there will be no stopping me. Also, he has NEVER said cruel things to me or seriously told me all of my FAULTS that bother him. The other night, I got bombarded and it hurt like hell. It was then, that I could what little love I had for him die. That hurt too!


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## movealong

endlessgrief said:


> Thank you for your kind and very insightful post.
> 
> <snip>
> 
> The other night, I got bombarded and it hurt like hell. It was then, that I could what little love I had for him die. That hurt too!


You are welcome.

My STBXW felt the same way the night of my last drunk. She stayed for over a year, but mentally she was gone. If you are done, get moving. Waiting on getting your body back is an excuse to not do it. It may sound counter intuitive, but leaving is the best thing for both of you. I got sober and stayed sober because it was a wake up call. But in getting sober I realized we both had faults. I wanted to work them out, she didn't. In the end the divorce is what we both needed.

ETA:

I don't know if my marriage could have been saved, but I do believe that had she dedicated herself to the program of AlAnon we would have had a better chance. As it is, she got to the 4th Step and quit the marriage and AlAnon. That is why I say that if your AlAnon group is just gripe session, then you are NOT getting the full benefit of recovery.

If/when you decide to move on, keep working the AlAnon program. Not for him, for YOU! You will need the support of the group and the return of sanity that taking the 12 Steps bring.

It is scary, but I hope you do not "just run away". Running away will get you away from the current problem, but taking the Steps and working your program will keep you from getting in to the same problem in the future.


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## endlessgrief

You guys have wonderful insight and I thank you again for your words of encouragement. 

I look back and I could have left when I was doing great financially. I was afraid then, and still madly in love with him. It is only recently that I have taken the blinders off to look at the REAL SITUATION, not the one made up inside my head to get me through the day.

Since the beginning of the year, I have started my own little business of designing art for clothing, etc. I am a computer graphic artist and I have a need to be creative, so I decided to sell my designs on REDBUBBLE.COM and I have done quite well. That is what is waking me up and proving I am not worthless. Also, designing artwork has become my passion and instead of my brain on overdrive of complete panic and unhappiness is now flooded with new ideas for artwork. It's a small step, but a very important one for me personally. 

It's funny, my husband doesn't take an interest in my new endeavor, he never even went to the site to check out my work. It was mentioned that he may be keeping me down so he can feel superior and that makes sense since his horrible treatment has gotten worse only recently. My new passion also keeps me away from him. I no longer watch TV with him (that is what he calls QUALITY TIME, I call it QUANTITY TIME since I cannot speak and must be quiet while watching a show or movie). 

It was also suggested I not wait until I get my body back to take action. See, being "trained" as it were, my self loathing is keeping me in hiding. One part of me knows how foolish that is, the other part feels like a monster that is afraid of the villagers chasing me with torches and spears!!!!! 

Also, I refuse to buy fat business clothes (I can't afford them now). So it's cool for the time being that I can work all day and night in my yoga pants and not have to fight with traffic (silver lining  )


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