# Will he ever come back?



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

My husband had an EA 6 months ago. I'm quite sure there is NC with the OW. At the time, he blamed me for not respecting him, neglecting him (I was building a business) and even went way back to the beginning of our marriage with complaints of my neglect and selfishness. He wanted to leave me.

We are in MC and he was in IC for awhile. I've encouraged him to continue IC. 

Thing is, I was pretty crushed by the affair and his assertions that I had been a horrible person all this time - 18 years of marriage. He did not raise his dissatisfaction to me in a serious way until the affair. 

I have been difficult to live with, crying A LOT and acting somewhat desperate. He now has decided to rent a room at the shore for one month. He says the situation at home is 'untenable'. 

The MC wasn't working...I would just end up crying and trying to reason with him...the sessions felt like IC for him with me observing and him complaining about me and also talking about his childhood.

He says he does not think he wants a divorce but is not sure. He needs a break to see if 'he can miss me again'. He does not want to discuss our marriage although we are in counseling with a very good therapist who is a man. I don't think a separation is any way to work on a marriage. He is leaving tomorrow for a month. I think this will be a good break.

He does not show ANY affection toward me...no sex...does not want it. Totally not interested in me.

I am very confused.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

He seems like a WS who has rewritten the history of the marriage and is still just blaming you for his misery.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Has he shown any remorse for what he's done?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

He quit the gym where he met her and is in MC with me. He feels that this is a show of his remorse.

e has not done much to make me feel secure. He says he 'loves me but is not sure he is in love with me..' 

The OW texted him the other day and he texted her back not to contact him anymore. I believe him. He is wallowing in his own sh** right now and not including me in his pain.

So ... no remorse, not really. He will do as I ask but nothing out of his way.


----------



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Start enacting the 180 now. Do not call him while he is gone. Breathe in the fresh air after he leaves.


----------



## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

After 18 years, he thinks you are horrible and is blaming you for his choices and his unhappiness? Sorry to say, OP, he seems completely emotionally divorced from you and doesn't seem interested in owning anything, never mind caring or having any empathy for what you are going through and what he has done to you... You deserve a lot better than that, and a lot better than him weighing his options and putting you on the back burner. I'm sorry, but I do not think this guy is worth your time or pain.


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

I will ignore his texts and phone calls while he's gone. It's my only hope. I seem to be obsessed with him and that's not good for either of us.

I think that he is very angry with me for blowing up the affair and forcing him to quit the gym. He says I am controlling him.

Well he'll be in Shangrila at the shore eating tuna fish I guess. It is very painful though.

The no sex thing though...that pretty much tells me that he is through with me. I want to save the marriage. Can we come back from this?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How extensive was the EA?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Very. I found a journal entry where he said he loved her wanted her and she was his best friend. She texted him saying her boobs and ass were tingling in anticipation of his touch. So there was def some physical contact. Not interested in knowing more.

He may be still in contact with her. but I can't be a warden. Thing is, I'm 56 years old and don't want to be divorced. I want to try and mend things even if it takes time.

But I'm not sure he will ever return to me. I told him that I'd get my own apartment 2 weeks ago and he looked absolutely sticken. I decided that he should leave not me. And so he is, temporarily.

So to answer your question, I think that he really fell for this woman. I'm pretty attractive but he found a special connection with her emotionally. It began as him advising her about her teaching career.


----------



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

daibai said:


> I will ignore his texts and phone calls while he's gone. It's my only hope. I seem to be obsessed with him and that's not good for either of us.
> 
> I think that he is very angry with me for blowing up the affair and forcing him to quit the gym. He says I am controlling him.
> 
> ...


My gut says it was a PA, is ongoing, and he has just taken it underground.


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Well then you could be right. Because of his coldness toward me, and lack of remorse. Well I guess I'll just wait this out. 

I need to get more on my feet financially. I hope that I start to feel better while he's gone. We'll be in MC every week....but he called that a nuisance so I don't have much hope for that. 

He liked working with the female counselor though....I think he's just looking for female attention at this point in his life.


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Do marriages and affection really come back after something like this?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

They can. But considering your husband isn't remorseful at all and isn't interested in fixing things, the odds of recovering are pretty slim. Personally, I'd say your best bet is a huge slap of reality upside his head. The only thing his EA has cost him so far is switching gyms. Hardly negative feedback for what he's done. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you have children?


----------



## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

daibai said:


> Do marriages and affection really come back after something like this?


After an EA or a PA (or both)? Yes, they can. There are people who have successfully reconciled, for sure. But both people have to be willing to put in the work. I was able to fall back in love with my own partner, and we are back together now and working on things (I am a former wayward). Not to say that it isn't very hard - it is. Some days way more than others.


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

I think that my emotions - crying a lot - drove him away. I've gotten control of that only in the last 3 weeks.

However, it was his lack of remorse and closeness that had me so upset. His nieces wedding is in May and he asked me to attend with him so that his niece has a good wedding day and it's not 'all about us'. 

He has no friends to talk to. He told his sister he is leaving but there was no other contact other than a text or two and a short conversation. He says he is not telling his parents that we are separated. Very isolated. 

He feels both guilty and entitled to his relationship with the OW.


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

No children


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

daibai said:


> I think that my emotions - crying a lot - drove him away. I've gotten control of that only in the last 3 weeks.
> 
> However, it was his lack of remorse and closeness that had me so upset. His nieces wedding is in May and he asked me to attend with him so that his niece has a good wedding day and it's not 'all about us'.
> 
> ...


*You didn't drive him away. That's all on him.*


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Nobody likes to see someone crying but from a man's point of view it must be pretty disturbing. But thank you MATT!

He INSISTS that he does not want a divorce. That is what's so confusing. He is acting like he wants to end the marriage.

Maybe he just cannot be honest with me. I remain hopeful but will not be in contact with him while he's gone. for sure.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

daibai said:


> Nobody likes to see someone crying but from a man's point of view it must be pretty disturbing. But thank you MATT!
> 
> He INSISTS that he does not want a divorce. That is what's so confusing. He is acting like he wants to end the marriage.
> 
> Maybe he just cannot be honest with me. I remain hopeful but will not be in contact with him while he's gone. for sure.


Before he can be honest with you, he needs to be honest with himself.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

I'm new here so take whatever I say with a grain of salt. However, I can't help but feel like you sound like the WS trying to get back the BS. It's probably been mentioned but look into the 180; I'm doing the 180 myself right now. It's empowering. Stay strong and good luck.


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Hello daibai,

Even if you're dying inside you need to let him know that you will make a life and be okay without him. Believe in that yourself and he can't help but believe in it. 

Your situation is very much like mine was. My WS changed a lot when he realised I was absolutely determined that I would live a good life without him. This was when the true remorse and regret started to appear and he realised exactly how much he had to lose.

We are now in a good recovery and although it's very hard work and I do still have my moments, our relationship is the best it has been in years.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Daibai,

Let me take a crack at this. You are here wondering if your marriage could even come back and be what you thought it was...

The simple answer is 'no'. That is not possible. There has been a line crossed that once you cross it, you can never go back. You will always have trust issues with him now. It will always be there.

Now it is possible to have a new marriage with your WS, but that new marriage will be different. It could even be better than the old marriage. You headed into your marriage and blindly trusted your spouse. He betrayed you with his infidelity and that blind trust and that marital innocence is gone. It is something that is gone forever.

You will now have your eyes open in your marriage. You will not trust so easily. You have scars that you have to deal with and you will have moments where you will trigger and feel unbelievable pain. The question for you is, 'Is this what you want?'

Your husband was caught and he thinks he is being remorseful by quitting the gym. That is not true. He thinks a little slap on the wrist and a timeout are what will fix this problem. He has the mind of an immature child.

Remorsefulness, is realizing that you just destroyed something in the person you pledged your love and allegiance to and it will never come back. It is not about being punished for being bad. It is about atoning for pain that you caused. Remorse in this case is selflessness. It is offering to you what you need to heal. It is about sacrificing any of your best interests to help repair some of the damage that he caused by destroying that innocence in you. It is understanding what true love is all about. It is about giving everything and asking nothing in return. Openness, honesty, repentance, love, selflessness. That is what remorse really is.

I forgave my EX a long time ago for the infidelity. I did not forget the actions but I forgave her so I could detach and move along the path of my life.

Your BS, neither seems mature nor remorseful. You seem like you are pining for something that is not worth having. Your BS is not the husband you thought you married. Realize that. Be strong and hold him to a higher standard. It may be that he could be the man he was meant to be. It may be that he is not. Whatever he is does not matter. This is about you. What do you really want in this marriage? Focus on yourself right now and focus on becoming who you were meant to be. When you come to find peace with yourself, you will have a better idea of the path before you. Your BS is not responsible for your happiness. That is you. There will be pain and you will walk through your trials so this will be hard, but you can let it forge you into a strong, confident, beautiful person if you focus on you.

I am sorry you are here sister. Good luck to you and God Bless.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Daibai
He seems to have checked out of your marriage. His insisting he doesn't want a divorce leads me to think it's because he doesn't want to part with half his assets. 

You need to find out if he has checked out and there's only one way to do that. 

Go to a lawyer and get divorce papers, real ones, the ones you would be serving him if you were really divorcing him because you may well need them. Serve him the D papers the minute he arrives at your house in a month. Give them to him but don't say anything at all. Don't react. Don't cry. Have a heart of stone. 

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.


----------



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

He is cake eating. He is having an affair (present tense) but he wants the security of having you too. He has pledged monogamy to his affair partner...that is why the no sex thing. 

It would be really helpful to you, i think, if you KNEW for sure what the extent of the affair was. I think has minimized the affair to you a great deal. My guess, and I am sorry to say so, but my guess is he will have her to "the shore" many nights while he is gone, if she isn't just spending the whole time there too. 

Hiring a private investigator would be the most pain free way to find out what you need to know. My bet is that it would not take long (assuming you know exactly where he is staying).

Men who end affairs and WANT to stay married, don't refuse sex unless there were already major issues in that area to begin with.

I have not seen a lot of the common questions on this thread.

Do you know who the other woman is? is she married? TELL HER SPOUSE or even her parents.

Does he deserve to be in charge of where your life goes? Does he deserve to make the decision of whether he stays or goes when you are the one who was betrayed? He seems to have decided to haunt you like a ghost as opposed to "staying". Start doing 100% of the 180. See a lawyer, file for divorce, and show him YOU are in charge of how this goes. If he really wants you, he will be shocked into showing it. If he doesn't then you have started down the path to living a real life.

As something in between...if you aren't ready to jump in with both feet...You said you will be seeing him in marriage counseling. Is the counselor by chance also an experienced mediator? Bring the divorce papers with you...as filled out as you can get them...and see if the counselor will mediate the division of property and support agreement if needed.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

thebadguy said:


> It would be really helpful to you, i think, if you KNEW for sure what the extent of the affair was. I think has minimized the affair to you a great deal.


:iagree:
how will you know if you can move on if you don't know the truth?

i know it might be painful to learn, but until he is 100% honest with you, i don't think your marriage can be saved.

has he moved out?


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Yes that is possible that he has minimized it. OW has 3 kids and a husband who is aware of the affair. So not sure she will be staying overnight at the shore but could be she will take some runs down for a few hours....

VG advice Mr. Badguy. I am going to lay low for now I have access to his phone records and not act suspicious. I will try to see what he's up to while he is at the shore, maybe hire a PI. I do know where he is staying.

**********...divorce papers yes I have ordered the packet from the lawyer. My husband knows I have it he picked up the mail. 

Moving ahead....very helpful the definition of remorse. I too have some remorse as a contributor to the demise of our marriage. I have made changes based on his 'complaints' but doesn't seem to be making an impact on his feelings. But true he is not acting as a mature man nor one with remorse.

No he has not left yet. It will be a tough night he is leaving tomorrow.....He does not seem interested in having any more conversations about our marriage before he leaves....


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Moving Ahead thank you for these thoughts...

Remorsefulness, is realizing that you just destroyed something in the person you pledged your love and allegiance to and it will never come back. It is not about being punished for being bad. It is about atoning for pain that you caused. Remorse in this case is selflessness. It is offering to you what you need to heal. It is about sacrificing any of your best interests to help repair some of the damage that he caused by destroying that innocence in you. It is understanding what true love is all about. It is about giving everything and asking nothing in return. Openness, honesty, repentance, love, selflessness. That is what remorse really is.

------

My H left on Thursday; the plan is that he will be away for one month. He wants to see if he misses me. I also wanted him to leave.

I felt so much grief in my chest the day that he left and also yesterday but today I am feeling much better. I didn't realize how much his presence was affecting me...the anger, hypervigilance, tension...it has all disappeared and I have time to breath.

I made him leave the key and told him that we would only have contact at MC on Tuesdays. We are not to text or call each other. Anything he needs I will leave for him in the outside foyer. 

We'll resume on tuesday but I am getting closer to letting him go....


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

I think that he does not want his family to know the extent of his betrayal to me. His niece is getting married in May and I am really not sure that I am attending the wedding with him. That's a way's off but I think he is buying time for that.

We'll see how it goes in MC. We switched to a male counselor at my insistance. The female counselor we were going to was pandering to him. He charmed her I think and I was looking like the crazy one. This counselor seems better...a bit tougher with him - and me too which is fine with me....


----------



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

I still think you should find out what is going on while he is living outside the home.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He might be hoping you'll pull the plug on the marriage so he can look like the wounded one.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

daibai said:


> I think that he does not want his family to know the extent of his betrayal to me. His niece is getting married in May and I am really not sure that I am attending the wedding with him. That's a way's off but I think he is buying time for that.
> 
> We'll see how it goes in MC. We switched to a male counselor at my insistance. The female counselor we were going to was pandering to him. He charmed her I think and I was looking like the crazy one. This counselor seems better...a bit tougher with him - and me too which is fine with me....


How is it all going Dalbai? 
He's been away for about a week? 
Hope you are keeping tabs on him. 
More importantly I hope you're OK, well as OK as can be expected.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> He seems like a WS who has rewritten the history of the marriage and is still just blaming you for his misery.


Yes, that is common of the WS. MY H had an EA too and I got the same thing..one minute it was no things were good until then and then the next it was the whole 20+ years were not good..so which is it? 

They also tend to focus on everything the BS did wrong in a way to justifty what they are doing. Please do not buy it....I bought it and even told him in my "BS fog" that I was to blame for what he chose to do and I will try and fix me....what a load of crap! NOt saying I was perfect but neither was he...he was even worse becuase he brought in a 3rd party.


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

********** said:


> How is it all going Dalbai?
> He's been away for about a week?
> Hope you are keeping tabs on him.
> More importantly I hope you're OK, well as OK as can be expected.


Hi **********. Yes it's been a 2 weeks now that he's been away. My therapist suggested no contact at all. When he left I took his key and told him no texts no phone calls....we only see each other at MC on Tuesdays. Last week at MC we skirted around the issues - he complained about me and I again mentioned his EA. I realize now that these are not the main issues! We are enraged with each other and that needs to come out in the MC... the EA was only symptomatic of the marital problems. I hope we can discuss them. The MC is very good i see after only a few sessions.

His cell phone is very quiet. He is not in touch with the OW, I'm quite sure. He is only in touch with his sister and very infrequently. I think that he is brooding. 

It has been very difficult not to contact him, but I've managed to do it. I knew that he would'nt contact me because he has a very stubborn streak. So I am here on my own and feel sad, insecure and I do worry about him but will not let on. I bent over backwards before he left trying to correct the things that he complained about. So I am done with that.

He says he doesn't want a divorce and is showing up to MC so we'll see if we can communicate. He cannot come back unless he is ready to stop stonewalling me. If he can't do that then we're done.

MattMatt, I don't think that he is that contriving. I am not pulling the plug on the marriage. I am here at home and HE left. I'll stay in this apartment and let him make other arrangements for plan B after this month is up. HE ABANDONED ME, not the other way around.


I'll post again on Tuesday after MC. Thanks all. I really appreciate the feedback and take it all to heart.


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

highwood said:


> Yes, that is common of the WS. MY H had an EA too and I got the same thing..one minute it was no things were good until then and then the next it was the whole 20+ years were not good..so which is it?
> 
> They also tend to focus on everything the BS did wrong in a way to justifty what they are doing. Please do not buy it....I bought it and even told him in my "BS fog" that I was to blame for what he chose to do and I will try and fix me....what a load of crap! NOt saying I was perfect but neither was he...he was even worse becuase he brought in a 3rd party.


Yes that is true that is what has been happening. He has done that and rewritten our history in his mind.


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

> the EA was only symptomatic of the marital problems. I hope we can discuss them. The MC is very good i see after only a few sessions.


Ok you had problems. You yourself was unaware of them for 17 years and only became aware of them after the affair. 

It is complete and uder bulls!it if you believe that it was your fault he left the marriage and had affair. There is no excuse for doing that. Don't internalize the blame he is putting on you. It will destroy your soul. Own what needs to be fixed, if you get there. 
Right now your trust issue with him is all that should be focused on by your councillor. Councillors who see it differently and expect you to start fixing the maritial problems before the affair is dealt with, the trust you lost and him extensively trying to fix the marriage by carrying the very heavy load of true reconcilliation, is only thing that should be addressed right now. Later you can look at the reasons why he left. If your councillor doesn't see it that way, you'll need to find another one or tell him that unless he does everything you want him to in regards to reconcillation to your satisifaction, you should'nt engage with the MC or him until it is done. 
You have to draw the line somewhere. Send him papers, start a 180. 
It is straight out of the cheaters script to blame you for the affair and your falling for it. 99% of cheaters do this to justify what they have done. You are not at fault for him screwing some *****. You get blamed, its horse crap. Your husband could have divorced, left, advised marriage councilling...the list goes on and on but he decided to not talk about it or fix it go screw some other women (mentally and probably physically) and then come back to you and tell you its your fault. DONT BUY ANY OF IT. 

Start a 180
Stand up for yourself, nobody else will
Get an STD test
Serve him divorce papers. You can stop the divorce process at anytime. 
Tell the family too if you havent already.
Sorry your here but don't let him control the situation, take charge. He is now the enemy until proven otherwise.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Somebody has to be at fault for this mess and he has decided it is you, otherwise he would have to take responsibility for his actions. He has no intention of doing that, therefore there can be no reconciliation until he is willing to not only be honest with you, but himself as well. I don't know your relationship with his family, but I think they need to know the truth as well. I definitely would not go to the wedding, unless the bride really wanted you to be there. I see no need for you to put on an act for his benefit. Don't be surprised if he doesn't throw you under the bus for that, but it is a no win situation.


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

VFW said:


> Somebody has to be at fault for this mess and he has decided it is you, otherwise he would have to take responsibility for his actions.
> 
> He has said that he recognizes that he has a part in our demise and has gone away to think about that and to see if he misses me. However, he has not taken responsibility for his actions. He claims he has apologized to me but I am not seeing true remorse as he has frozen me out emotionally and physically. That's why he had to leave IMO.
> 
> ...


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> Ok you had problems. You yourself was unaware of them for 17 years and only became aware of them after the affair.
> 
> It is complete and uder bulls!it if you believe that it was your fault he left the marriage and had affair. There is no excuse for doing that. Don't internalize the blame he is putting on you. It will destroy your soul. Own what needs to be fixed, if you get there.
> Right now your trust issue with him is all that should be focused on by your councillor. Councillors who see it differently and expect you to start fixing the maritial problems before the affair is dealt with, the trust you lost and him extensively trying to fix the marriage by carrying the very heavy load of true reconcilliation, is only thing that should be addressed right now. Later you can look at the reasons why he left. If your councillor doesn't see it that way, you'll need to find another one or tell him that unless he does everything you want him to in regards to reconcillation to your satisifaction, you should'nt engage with the MC or him until it is done.
> ...


I have started a 180....I look better than I ever have! Lost weight, working out. Working on myself and other relationships with friends. It helps.

The MC is good. He's not giving H any leeway. He's tough on him. He also says that we have to get out some anger in therapy since we are very protective of each other. I'm working that out in my mind preparing for next session. And you are right we have to address the affair - therelies his dishonesty and also his not being honest and communicative about any problems he may have perceived us as having. When the affair is brought up, H tries to justify it. H doesn't want to admit lies and betrayal, it makes him look bad in his own eyes and does not like to see himself in that way.

I am ready to let him go truly. I have a divorce package from my atty. I'm willing to see how things go for this month. When he left I suggested he consider plan B after his month is over on April 30th and where he is going to live.

I will get an STD although he insists there was no sex. At this point, he can f****k her brains out if he wants. I don't care.


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

He quit the gym where he met her and has said he's sorry....sort of. So not really. He has always had a problem saying 'i'm sorry'


----------



## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

If it took him 18 years to figure out you were a terrible spouse, you aren't a terrible spouse. He's retroactively fishing for validation for his current actions. I'm sorry you're going through this. Tear your heart away fast and find someone who deserves you.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

daibai said:


> He quit the gym where he met her and has said he's sorry....sort of. So not really. He has always had a problem saying 'i'm sorry'



when you are sincerely remorseful and want your betrayed spouse to believe it, you say "i'm sorry" as many times as it takes. having a problem saying it in the past is no excuse or explanation for not being able to say it in the present. 

he should be BEGGING for your forgiveness, not shifting the blame on you.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

IT still burns me when I hear how WS's try and defend what they are doing...why people think that they had no choice but to find someone else becuase they were not happy is so ridiculous.

I remember saying in counselling once after DD#2, that I was grateful that H gave ME a second chance...obviously still in the fog was I. I look back now and think those words should have been coming out of his mouth not mine. I literally get chills thinking about my thought process and how I was just grateful that he was sticking around. 

I hate it too when I hear people say well he chose you over his AP....like I am supposed to be yes you are so right how lucky am I, that MY husband of 20+ years chose me.

To me the affair fog does not just affect the WS but the BS as well.


----------



## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

DarkHoly said:


> If it took him 18 years to figure out you were a terrible spouse, you aren't a terrible spouse. He's retroactively fishing for validation for his current actions. I'm sorry you're going through this. Tear your heart away fast and find someone who deserves you.


Exactly my feelings on the situation. Cut him loose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

He told me that he was thinking of leaving me in 2007 but didn't because my parents were sick and it was a tough time for me. Apparently, he has been unbelievably non-communicative....

We have MC tomorrow and I am a mess. I am working to keep the anger going and i have to organize my thoughts. ALL OF THESE POSTS HELP SO MUCH!

Although I feel that I can let him go, I am so afraid that this is it, even though logically I feel that the end of our marriage might be for the best. Sometimes I feel like I am going to have a breakdown and and other times I feel strong. 

Thank you.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

you are on a crazy emotional roller coaster for sure and the ups and downs can be exhausting. 

make sure you're getting plenty of rest. you're going to be better than fine when this is all behind you.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

daibai said:


> He told me that he was thinking of leaving me in 2007 but didn't because my parents were sick and it was a tough time for me.


Well wasn't that big of him. This is rewriting history talk. I really would not believe too much of what he tells you right now. He has been telling lies and half truths for so long, it just kind of comes second nature to him. Everything you describe he is twisting it to make himself out to be some benevolent individual. Look at his actions, not his words, that is where you will find the truth. Your emotions are going to be all over the map, that is only natural. A good cry in the privacy of your own home can be a good release of emotions every now and then. Don't do it in front of him, don't give the bast*rd the satisfaction.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

how are you doing today?


----------



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Hi Cool2, 

1) We had MC on Tuesday. The MC offered an extra session on Friday. I was willing but H said it was not convenient for him. 

2) Spoke to H yesterday. He said he didn't think it was a big deal, we didn't need an extra session, did we? 

3) Checked phone records. He called a realtor in NYC. I asked him about it. He said he was just checking he is not sure what he wants to do. He said he is 50/50 not sure if he wants to come back in May. his temp lease is up on April 30th.

4) He wants to get together to talk, not sure about what. I'm not sure I should do that. I feel too wrung out.

5) He has not told anyone that we are separated. Not his parents only his sister. He is concerned whether I have told anyone. What's that about?

6) I am looking for a ft job with benefits. May have to give up my acupuncture practice that I have been building. Not enough to support me.

That's the latest.

Thank you for your concern.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

daibai said:


> Hi Cool2,
> 
> 1) We had MC on Tuesday. The MC offered an extra session on Friday. I was willing but H said it was not convenient for him.
> 
> ...


Talk with him with a therapist only. Not alone.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

daibai said:


> He said he is 50/50 not sure if he wants to come back in May. his temp lease is up on April 30th.
> 
> 4) He wants to get together to talk, not sure about what. I'm not sure I should do that. I feel too wrung out.
> 
> 5) He has not told anyone that we are separated. Not his parents only his sister. He is concerned whether I have told anyone. What's that about?


He is currently hedging his bets, if something doesn't come up by the end of April, then you are Plan B. This may even include promises of possible reconciliation. Long term this dude is not a good bet, so you need to discourage him from returning under the circumstances. 

Matt is right, you need to limit your conversations with him. He is not your friend, buddy or pay, he is the father of your child and should be treated with a certain amount of respect for that reason. Limit conversation to legal, financial, child support and visitation. If he wants to discuss anything else, then it needs to happen in the confines of the therapist.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

daibai said:


> Hi Cool2,
> 
> 1) We had MC on Tuesday. The MC offered an extra session on Friday. I was willing but H said it was not convenient for him.
> 
> ...


thanks for checking in.
couldn't help but notice YOUR update was mostly about HIM.

how are YOU doing? 


and to answer your original question, can couples come back from an A, well yes they can. BUT it takes loads of forgiveness and willingness on both sides to do what it takes to stay together. more than anything the WS needs to be remorseful and sincere about remaining faithful.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I was just about to say what Cool12 did. 

From your first post you have been talking about what HE said, how HE feels and what HE wants. 

Turn that around and let's start thinking of YOU.

Sit quietly with yourself and have a think. Do you really think that you can get back with this man, that you can reconcile and that he can come down from his high horse and stop blaming you and that he can decide he loves you again and is happy to spend the rest of his life with you. Are you going to fall back in love with this man again?

I'm sorry Dalbai but he sounds like so selfish and egotistical. So the 2nd MC session didn't 'suit' him? WS should be begging BS to go to MC, not the other way around. 

What about you Daibai? He has been calling the shots from the beginning. Had an EA. Blamed you for 19 years of a bad marriage and then left 'to see if he would miss you and fall in love with you again. Grrrr! makes me mad! 

Think deeply about all this, about you. If you do R, you are in for quite a few years of mental torture, always wondering if he is on the way to 'not loving you' again, always wondering if he is looking at other women wishing he was married to them or whether he might stray again. Everyone on here says R is incredibly difficult and takes years. You want to spend the rest of your life in R? The reason I am saying this is from what you said, *He is not showing one shred of remorse for the hurt he has caused. *All he has done is blame you. He's self-centred and arrogant. 

Immediately put all your effort into finding a job that supports you. You need to do that whether you R or not. Get divorce papers drawn up. Do not leave your home on any account. Do you have children? Take control and get your power back because you haven't done so up to now. This stuff knocks us around so much we tend to lose our power.

Sorry Daibai but my feeling is that joy, happiness and peace of mind will only return to your life if you D him. It's scary but be realistic about the alternative. He isn't giving off the right signals for R at all. The opposite in fact. Let this jerk go.


----------

