# Married, both polyamorous, but I still love my ex girlfriend



## SketchScratcher (Sep 1, 2016)

Good morning,

Quite honestly I'm not even sure this is within your realm of expertise but I'm in my situation as a result of a more unorthodox reason.

I am married and was in a polyamorous relationship with myex girlfriend, and I am torn between my wife and my ex girlfriend. 

I will go into quite a bit of detail below. I apologize if I get all over the place now and then, I'm good at complicating my life, lol.

Here's the brief version....

My wife and I have been married 6 years and my girlfriend and I were together for over 7 months before we broke up due to her not being able to share me like she thought she could.
We all hung out originally and found out the triad wouldn't work so my ex and I continued dating and fell very much in love.
I still love my wife but my wife but my wife has changed some, and in ways that worry me that I am just settling or that we aren't compatible or that we are just going with the flow because it's easier and comfortable and don't want to deal with the heartbreak or hassle of splitting things up, two car payments, our families, history, etc.

The only reason my ex and I broke up was because she couldn't share me like she thought she could.
We still loved each other deeply and I believe we still do now, although we are in a no contact phase again and she has a new boyfriend, she's had a few 'guy friends/boyfriends' since we broke up, soley to fill the loneliness void.
I seriously think that had I not been married or if I were completely single that we'd still be together because I showed my ex so many things and so many of her friends and longtime coworkers noticed how much she changed for the better, even giving up bad habits they never thought she would for me.
I'll explain that later too.

My wife has said a few times during arguments and discussions that she just grew up and that's the direction she went in because she was so young when we got together. I understand this as a possibility. 


My wife and I are kind of quirky and we do get along well and she's told me that she'd never leave me but has said on 3 separate ocassions that if we ever broke up that she saw us as being really close friends. 

I originally married her because I thought I'd never find anyone else like her that would appreciate me and my quirks/eccentricities, etc. 

I am diagnosed as Obsessive Compulsive and take medication for it and it's always been a struggle for my wife to fully comprehend my compulsions and habits and requirements.

She does do rather well with it now but always seems kind of burnt out and distant and never seems to really remember how important and upsetting these things can be to me.

I typically (not always) have to remind her or bring it up to her or just flat out have to tell her that I need this done a certain way or that certain things against my compulsions causes me mental stress and actually upsets me.

My ex and my wife are the same age but the maturity levels are different.

My wife is older than her years and reliable and I don't think she would actually cheat me on although she told me at the beginning that she's cheated on ever other ex.

My wife's childhood consisted of her much older father but her mother cheating on her father and then marrying her now stepdad.

Her mom recently left her current husband (my wife's stepdad) and is engaged to a new man that she is living with whom we believe she was cheating on the stepdad with.

I'm trying to start my own business and my wife had only recently become more supportive of my efforts and taken me somewhat more serious the last few weeks and months.
Again, after guilting and poking and prodding and flat out telling her that she should care more and be more actively supportive.

She blames this on watching her father who owned his own business, go from making very good money to not so good money and witnessing the stress, and pressure, and fractures she said it caused in her family.
So she's afraid to go that route again and quite honestly would rather just work for someone else and jobs she hates because of it.
So she doesn't want more in life really, but would take it if I were successful.
She'd still be supportive of me but I feel only truly supportive AFTER I become successful.

My ex ALWAYS supported my wild ideas and my business ideas, illustrations (she's artistic and creative and business minded just like I am) which is something I've always dreamed of having and sharing with someone.

She is also business minded (let me go ahead and throw in that she has alcohol dependency issues) which I knew about beforehand but they are a result of her unhappiness and need to fill the void of loneliness. I knew all of this before dating her but I also knew why she did it and she's confirmed this to me during our relationship. 
(I told you I like to punish myself, heh)

When we dated she stopped doing those self destructive things and was so happy and much healthier and you could clearly tell.
Everyone at work even noticed a major difference in her genuine happiness and just new found light about her.
(We work together still to this day)

We have days and weeks where we don't talk and those where we do.

She's been cold and downright hateful and ugly to me for no reason and then she will hug and kiss my neck and ear even as recently as about two weeks ago and was even touching my wrist and arm throughout our shifts, being playful and sneaky, touching my shoulder or back, complimenting me.
But it's almost like it got to be too much and when she'd get upset and then angry shed say that I couldn't do those things. 
The same things she was doing to me. I assume she does them and when I do them it's too much for her to take?

We had a rather large argument about a week ago when I told her I had concerns about my marriage and she listened and told me during our relationship that she didn't think that I loved my wife anymore and that she hated how my wife treated me.

My ex also told me that I deserve better and that she didn't believe we needed to stay married.
She got upset at the thought that she was a home wrecker as expressed in a text message earlier in that day.
I explained to my ex that she wasn't and that I was genuinely in love with her and have had legitimate concerns at various points all throughout marriage of whether I had a made a mistake or that things had changed, long before meeting my ex.
My ex also asked if she was just a unicorn or a bandage to my marriage.
I never believed that she was and I told her that she wasn't. 
Coincidentally the things mentioned above are things that were later used as ammo against me where during our talk my ex got teary eyed and choked up and said we'd never get back together and that it was just sex and tried a few times to get me to confirm that it was just sex when we both know it wasn't. 

My wife and I have a very comfortable relationship, but my wife can also be very controlling (for lack of a better word, or maybe I just don't want to admit to letting t happen) my ex was nice enough to tell me my wife has me by the balls.
She likes things done a certain way every time, which I grew to be more ok with each time because my compulsions make me forget things or get sidetracked easily.

I would have a much more comfortable relationship with my wife if I continued this way and we even had a major talk the same night my ex and I did and she said we could continue the polyamorous relationship search if I feel I need an outlet like another girlfriend for sex or just companionship, etc.

Not to go into too many details but my ex and I share some fairly unique to extreme sexual urges, interests, and fetishes. My wife and I are open minded, she considers herself bisexual, but her sexual tastes are nowhere near the same level to me.
I'm ok with that in the fact that she doesn't like some things and won't do some things, and I never force or pester her to.
With my ex it was automatic and she was either interested in my same level of weirdness and experimentation, or she trusted me enough to let me guide her, and I trust her the same way with my exes desires.
My wife just doesn't have a huge interest in sex period and when I try to I'm always met with a hand slap or a smartass comment, etc.
She only wants to have sex when she wants to and how she wants to and it only seems to happen 1-4 times a month on a good month.

She won't get counseling even though I've suggested it multiple times, she won't go to a doctor to try finding out why, she really makes no real effort to try fixing it or increasing the frequency, etc.

I went as far as to ask her if she even had an interest in men sexually anymore by me asking if she thought she was a lesbian, (I've had it brought up to me by one or two others before and I've had the thought a couple of times myself)

Her first relationship and first serious relationship were with a female and she's had other relationships with girls in the past, even a girlfriend that she had during our marriage which I approved of.

So I know she identifies as bisexual but she's also made it a point to keep her sexual identity hidden to her family and pretty much to her friends too due to stigma back home. (We are both from small Georgia towns)

Sex is important to me especially given my deeper desires that were shared by my ex.
I've had wild interests and fetishes since I was younger that have stayed with me and my exes are almost identical, even to the extent it caused problems with her exes because they thought she was too weird and she became self conscious about her likes and thought she was gross.
Whereas I embraced them without hesitation and encouraged her to share every experience imaginable with me.
I don't want my ex back for the sex, it is more for the immediate connection and just how deep that connection went.

My ex appreciates my mental faults and my clever, stupid, or otherwise ridiculous ideas and concepts whether they are feasible or not.

My wife just always kind of chuckles or smiles or shakes her head smiling and doesn't follow much into it and doesn't compliment me on any of them, and seems genuinely disinterested or just doesn't understand them, and that makes me feel like she doesn't understand me and probably never will.


My ex girlfriend and I come from similar dysfunctional families and both share mental issues
(plus she's Puerto Rican and holy hell if that sterotype about temperament isn't accurate) 

Because we shared in mental disorders we connected almost instantaneously and she was always so kind, and caring, and compassionate about them and myself.

She always asked me if I was ok or why I felt that way where as my wife would typically say 
'well, what do you want me to do?' 'Well, honey, what am I supposed to say/do?'
It always seemed to have a tone, especially to me, and a lack of concern or compassion.
Almost like she seemed bothered by it or just tired of being bothered by it.

My ex has compulsions just like me and has a lot of insecurities dealing with the way her family and parents and her exes and friends treated her and with a skin condition similar to dermatitis which I actually have a similar issue with my skin. 
So I'm well aware of the insecurities that come with that.

She said her parents bought her love and for the longest time she thought she was adopted compared to her much more successful sister who has the 'storybook life'.

So she is used to love and affection being shown in materialistic ways.
I don't necessarily mind that but during our relationship I wasn't able to afford to splurge on things given my jobs slow season and the fact that I had an established relationship and life as a more 'responsible adult' with bills and so on.
My ex still lives at home (moved back home) due to a previous relationship blowing up and it just affected her to the point where she never left. Oddly enough she doesn't really get along well with her parents.

Since my ex and I broke up she has gone back to alcohol, squandered the few thousand in savings.. again.. due to it.
I know she's hurting and this isn't what she wants, (she's actually told me I was right because I warned her that she'd do the same without me)

I don't want to be a babysitter, or as a coworker calls me, an enabler.

I know my life with my wife would be so much easier and predictable, and that there's a good chance that it will last much longer and possibly never end, but the same could be said for my ex, or I could just gamble and lose it all.

When I think of my ex I don't see it being as stable, or as easy, or even as long term sometimes, but part of me is either kind of excited about that part, or I'm just trying to justify it in my head.

I've grown leaps and bounds over the last year, within the last 9 months especially and quite honestly I feel that is owed to my ex for her support and love and pushing me to do better (I've always wanted to start my own business so I also imagined that being ad a way to afford both of them as bad as that may sound.)

But I do feel like I've grown more in the last year due to her than I did with my wife. 
That's not to say that I haven't grown substantially during my marriage.

I'm 33 and I worry sometimes that I will just keep spinning my wheels and not getting as far as I need to go.
I enjoy having that rock and that support system to help push me along and keep me going.

With my ex I could also share and encourage her projects and endeavours whereas my wife has no interests or hobbies and when I ask her about them she tells me nothing or has no idea or doesn't bother thinking of any and just seems content to just chug along and someone else's pace.

Which I don't inherently mind, but all 3 of us are non religious and feel we only have one life and I don't want to look back on this as a regret.

My friends and coworkers tell me my wife is more reliable and a safer bet because she's open to another poly relationship or me having a girlfriend so I could have the best of both worlds again.

But there was/is just some sort of connection on much deeper levels to me with my ex that if I think about it, I don't see myself trying to engage in a poly relationship with her. Not because she doesn't like it and can't do it, but because I think I'd have what I wanted and wouldn't feel the need to explore it while with her.

I had open relationships in the past, I never cheated on any of my exes but I always felt like something was lacking, so poly seemed appropriate. 

But then part of me wonders if I acted this way with my wife and past relationships because I ever truly got everything that I fully wanted and expected in a relationship until I met my ex.

My ex is emotional, and to some extent, emotionally and mentally unstable, but so am I. 

She hates being lonely and I have always hated being lonely, she doesn't like being alone and honestly neither do I and would constantly seek it from friends and odd hours of the night.

When we were together we never felt lonely. 
When we were apart we were sad and lonely. She always thought I had it easier by having my wife to go home to but it was still not the same as having my ex with me.

My wife has to be pestered or asked for back rubs or massages or to be close and hang out, and my ex would lay her head in my lap for 3 hours while we watched movies and I'd play with her hair or ears, shoulder massage, etc.

I even gave my ex her first foot massage and she thought I was joking when I said it.
My wife just kind of playfully(?) expects it and knows I'll do it if asked but it's like pulling teeth to get her to do it. When she isn't glued to her phone watching recipe videos.

We love each other but it feels like we are roommates or that we have a pretty good thing going for us. 

My wife says no one has ever understood her like I do but she never fully shows it the way I expect it to be shown.

I'm just confused.
To most people I have the ideal situation, a loving wife that has given me permission to pursue another person, whether she's involved or not.

But I'm not sure at this juncture in my life if it's best to stay, best to stay and find another person to share myself with, or best to risk it for my ex who feels that she isn't as important or worthy or a married man leaving his wife.

Although I'm not really concerned with leaving my wife for my ex as much as I am concerned with what this says about the state of my marriage and our relationship if I'm considering another woman.
The woman I would want if I did leave my wife would be my ex girlfriend though.

Thank you,


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What on earth?!?!?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If you and your wife are both polyamorous, why are you worried about her cheating on you? FFS.

Your girlfriend is into monogamy. You're not. Case closed.

It seems you have a LOT of needs and expectations that most men don't have. Good luck finding anyone else who will tolerate what your wife does. As you've already seen, your ex-girlfriend isn't up for the game. Stop romanticizing her.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"my ex was nice enough to tell me my wife has me by the balls."

Yep, that was very nice of her. :rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Easy for your ex to be supportive of you starting your business when she wasn't supporting you. 

Who was paying your bills during this time? 

Businesses don't make any money for a while so I'm guessing your wife paid the bills.

Leave your ex alone, don't ruin her life with your baggage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Your wife can't handle what you bring to the relationship. It isn't your wife. It isn't your ex girlfriend of seven months. It's you. It's not your fault you have the issues with ocd, but it is your responsibility to get help to reduce the impact on your wife and others. 

Get some counseling from a reputable source. The poly is not the issue here. It's likely a symptom. If you don't work on yourself, you will lose your wife. If you haven't already and she just hasn't left yet.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

^my reaction to your post, OP


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> "my ex was nice enough to tell me my wife has me by the balls."
> 
> Yep, that was very nice of her. :rofl::rofl::rofl:


And this is why a partner's ex is not to be trusted.


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