# My marriage/relationship is in serious danger



## jamierite74

Well this is long but here it goes. My wife and I married in 1997, we’ve had our share of problems as most but nothing too bad. Well in 2009 she had an affair which is totally out of her character but still it happened. Of course I was devastated and sought as much Christian advice and any advice to be honest that I could get. I acted very crazy some may say, I freaked out, I was about to lose the woman I loved and the mother of my daughter and I didn’t know what to do. Well after a while I had to just accept it, which I never completely did. I found out about the affair the first of December and she moved out soon after, no contact, treating me as if I had no right to be upset and fight for our marriage. Well in April(our anniversary month) I was able to convince her to go for a weekend together and we had a wonderful time. But eventually the devil sent his team after us again with lies and she kept seeing him on and off. During this span I never gave up trying and fighting, I would stop by her apartment and visit as much as I could just to be near her. Well we were on and off and then June comes around and we aren’t together but I have no idea she is back talking to this same person. They all go out to a bar for her birthday and I knew most of her friends were there but no idea he was there. Me and some friends went to a small bar trying to keep my mind off of everything but eventually I insisted we go to the bar where she was. Well I walked in and saw her standing there and walked up behind her and gave her a slap on her backside and then walked away. The whole night I was drinking and trying to show her I could have fun without her. As the night grew I get a text from her friend at the bar and says she wants me to take her home. Well that was totally ok with me..I then found out that he had been there with her and had left just minutes before I got there because they had an argument. We did wind up getting back together and that has been over 10 years ago. But the promises I made to God to be the man I needed to be to lead my family we’re not kept. I let our relationship get stale again, in 2017 she told me because I had so much debt I had ran up that she wanted to divorce me so she could be off the hook on stuff that I had ran up, but we would still be together. So over this last 10 plus years we have lived apart during the week because of my job. Well recently she got involved in church, and while it wasn’t what I was accustomed to I was happy she was going..but I didn’t go. She was crying out for a man to be the spiritual leader in our family and I just did nothing. Well we had sold our house and when we did she lived in our rv until we could maybe build. I got a really good job but 4.5 hours away. We started talking about her travel nursing again to put back more money. Well she looked and looked and one day she said “why don’t I try to get an assessment down where you are” and like a fool I told her no they probably don’t pay very well down here. Well her nursing friend who I don’t know who is traveling with her now and I found out after the fact she has been married 6 times. They find an assignment in North Dakota and it pays good, so I encourage her to go. Well we didn’t need my daughter staying in the rv so we got a rent house for her so she could be safer and close to her boyfriend. Well we agreed to split the cost of the movers because I’m 4.5 hours away and it would be helpful. Well they move the heavy stuff on Friday and then Saturday rolls around and do I go up and help unpack boxes or anything? No instead I go to a spring football game and leave her there to handle it alone. Well I knew she was mad but she always gets over it eventually, so Sunday I apologize profusely and no answer. Well her and her friend are leaving that Thursday for North Dakota and they did. Well I knew she was mad but couples fight and they eventually get better, but I notice more and more that she’s not answering text or calls or returning my calls. My daughter asks her why she’s avoiding me and also her. She just says she super busy with this new job. So a week ago this past Monday I get a bunch of text from her basically telling me what’s been going on etc etc and I was feeling ok. But Tuesday I got a strange feeling and I wound up getting on her Facebook messenger and then saw that she had been talking to another man..I think they went to college or something together but she had posted on Facebook that she was working up there and he just started conversing and it just went from there. Well of course I buckled, I went into complete lockdown mode inside. I called her and tried to talk(even though I didn’t say what I had found) she was cold as ice and didn’t want to talk at all. Well I took personal time off from work and came up to stay with my daughter. I had been pretty sure it was an online relationship but I was holding out that maybe I was jumping the gun. Well Monday I had been at home all day praying fervently and she came home from work and said..”Mom text me and she’s seeing that guy now” my daughter was devastated that she had lied to her before..she had asked her several times was she talking to anyone and she said no. We also was planning a 50th birthday party for her when she flew back in the first week of June..she told my daughter she wanted to bring him. My daughter flipped out on her and told her she hated her and don’t ever bring him anywhere near us. So that was Monday, there had still been no contact between me and her and not much between her and her mother. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and read and read and I’m so discouraged. I know I need to totally give it to God but it’s so hard. I’ve even tried to get my daughter to try and talk some sense into her but she refuses. I’m tired of being a phoney Christian who only calls on God when I’m hurting. I’m really trying my absolute best to change my life. Just can’t understand why she cut off contact totally with me and acts like I’m being crazy for being upset and crying etc. please help me Jesus I am weak and though art strong. I’m so afraid that her and this man will fall for each other and my family will forever be impacted. I want so badly to have the chance to be the Christian leader in our home.


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## Sfort

Well, a lot of us here are devout Christians, but we may have different views of our religion than you do of yours. Speaking only for myself, I ask you why God gave you a brain, eyes, ears, hands, and so forth. It's so that you can take care of yourself. You need to handle the things that you can do and let God handle the things that you CAN'T do, not the things that you WON'T do. 

You've done a lot wrong. You are not going to be able to unravel it sufficiently through this extraordinarily helpful website. You need professional counseling. There is a lot more to the story. You may have gone too far down a one-way road. Before you give up, though, you need the opinion of a professional. 

Others here who are a lot smarter than I am (almost everyone) may have some better suggestions, but you have a woven a tangled web. The devil didn't do it. You and she did. You need to take responsibility for your actions, and she needs to take responsibility for hers. 

It seems that she's done with the marriage. If she is, there's not much you can do about it. You need to think about the happiness and safety of your daughter.


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## anchorwatch

Here's a hint... Nothing will change until you do!

She's certainly not acting like a good Christian wife. Her cheating is not your fault either.

If you want to be a better man read this today... No More Mr. Nice Guy

This has been going on for years. This is in no way what a marriage looks like. I can't imagine why anyone would stay in a relationship like this. She's not marriage material. 

You deserve better, we all deserve better.


Best


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## Bibi1031

God can't change her or you. You are free to do as you please. True Christians respect their husband or wife. They don't break their marriage vows either. She cheated once and you took her back. Why? She broke the vows not you. 

She cheats on you again this time and you pray to get her back? Again why do you want a deceitful woman back? Christians are sinners too. Your wife respects nothing, not even God, family, daughter...no one! She is selfish. 

She is no wife. She is a trashy Christian that gives Christian women a bad rep.

I know you love her, but she hasn't you for a long time. You blame yourself because that makes you think you can fix this situation and she will return to you.

You can't fix what you didn't break. If she was done with you, the correct thing to do was divorce or and if married by church petition an annulment. Instead she sinned and is fornicating with other men. She is a common skank. That is who you married.

Stop putting her on a pedestal because you had the misfortune of marrying a skank. It's a character flaw. God can't take that away from her if she likes the way she is. She is free to fornicate in God's eyes. Her consequence may be that she is denied eternal life. It has absolutely nothing to do with Earthly life. The consequences of her atrocious behavior will naturally resolve themselves here on Earth so she can ask for forgiveness before she breathes her last breath if she even reaches an epiphany which is not likely when you take blame for her transgressions.

Wake up! Move on! She left a long time ago emotionally. You just thought you had the physical her.


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## Lostinthought61

Brother i am sorry you are here, and let's face it God has nothing to do eith the fact you married a serial cheater and for you to stay with this woman any longer demonstrates not a strengthen but a weakness. time to move on and leave her behind, clearly your children know ow to handle her better than you...listen to them and kick her out. Church or no church she is trash and the way she make you feel and treats is trash as well.


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## Luckylucky

I am seeing a lot of hints there that you might have been pushing her away and encouraging her not to be with you, to get a job further away etc? And again, into another affair? 

I’m not at all blaming you at all btw. maybe subconsciously you couldn’t get over the past affair (fair enough, that must have been devastating!) so have subtly given her the message to move on? A very very slow separation, initiated by you? That’s totally ok and understandable - how is it different this time, and do you want her back? Are you feeling stronger?


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## jamierite74

Luckylucky said:


> I am seeing a lot of hints there that you might have been pushing her away and encouraging her not to be with you, to get a job further away etc? And again, into another affair?
> 
> I’m not at all blaming you at all btw. maybe subconsciously you couldn’t get over the past affair (fair enough, that must have been devastating!) so have subtly given her the message to move on? A very very slow separation, initiated by you? That’s totally ok and understandable - how is it different this time, and do you want her back? Are you feeling stronger?


I don’t know why i did this..the divorce was her idea. I want her back more than ever. I think I’m ready to stop running and be the man..if it’s not too late.


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## Luckylucky

Look, so it seems early during her first affair, it had something to do with your debts, so you got a good job and for 10 years you’ve been working. So it would appear you are hearing her and her complaints and doing something about it. 

So will her excuse this time be something new, something else you have to work at fixing again?

Tell me what your wife has done to fix in herself since her last affair? 

I absolutely would not try to win her back. It seems in her eyes you’re the bad guy and keep missing the target. Some people are never happy and the rules keep changing. So it’s likely whatever you do, she finds a reason to feel sad about it and have an affair to make herself feel better. 

But do you see how hopeless this is and who is left with all the pain? 

Would you stay at a job where your job description changes at the end of each month and your salary gets cut just when you’ve done exactly what you were supposed to be doing?


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## jamierite74

Well I’ve made her out to be worse than she is, there are some things that I brought into our marriage before the affair that made her feel not wanted or loved. I only got this job three months ago, the debt is still there unfortunately(working on it) and I mean it when I say she’s really a good woman, this time we aren’t legally married so is it still considered an affair? She’s wanted me to be this great spiritual leader for years and i just ignored it..taking her for granted to the extreme. Before all of this I could’ve got her to go to a marriage retreat or something but now we don’t even talk. I decided today that as hard as it is I’m giving it completely to God and if He chooses to repair this then I’ll be ok..because me trying to fix it isn’t going to work.


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## DudeInProgress

Brother, your situation is heartbreaking. There’s so much here, I don’t even know where to start.

Satan isn’t your problem, your wife’s horrible actions and your weakness is the problem.
Chasing after and increasing your investment in an unfaithful, betraying wife who doesn’t respect you and doesn’t want you - is NOT being strong. It is being pathetic and weak, and it will destroy you.
God (as far as I know as a Christian) does NOT want you to be a pathetic doormat for an unfaithful wife who doesn’t respect you.
You can’t fix her, and it’s not your responsibility to. Yes, you had a responsibility to be the leader in your marriage. You failed that a long time ago, which contributed to her lack of respect for you.
But her cheating (and continuing it, and shoving in your face with no regard for you) is not your fault, it’s not Satan’s fault, it’s 100% her fault.
God doesn’t want you to be a martyr for this woman or this marriage (or whatever it is now).
You can’t “nice” her back. It never, ever works and it is pathetic and weak and dysfunctional. You should not be trying to win her back at all, you should’ve never done that. It’s the exact opposite of what is right, respectable or effective.
You can’t just give this to God and abdicate your responsibility here. God helps those who help themselves.
No, you haven’t made her out to be worse than she is. The simple facts of her actions make everything perfectly clear. Everything else is just excuses and ********. You are trying to help justify the unjustifiable. Stop. Your failures as a leader are certainly relevant and something you need to fix (for yourself not for her), But in no way justify her actions, at all. So stop defending and excusing her actions.
There’s so much more here, maybe too much to cover in a format like this. God can be your strength but he will not solve this situation for you. You need to improve your situation by taking action for yourself.

And your marriage is not in serious danger, your marriage is in complete ruins. It has been detonated and you now need to clean up the mess. But that does not mean saving your wife and it probably doesn’t even mean saving the marriage. It means saving you and preparing you to be a more effective man for yourself and your future relationships.


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## aine

The only peace you will have is if you let her go. She cheated on your before and you simply rug swept it. There are much better faithful women out there. You did not go and help her move cause you know things are not right and you are still hurt over the past and you are playing all passive aggressive.
Time to pull of the band aid and stop this cycle of chaos, you cannot nice her back into a marriage she doesn't want with you as she has no respect for you.
Start to focus on yourself, do not play the pick me dance.
Start doing a hard 180 on her, this helps you to emotionally detach. Get yourself an IC to see why you have been so weak to put up with this disrespect for so long.
Go see a lawyer as to your rights.
Go no contact with her and when you are feeling strong enough, have her served.


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## sokillme

All you need to know is the God who is the same yesterday today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) commanded an adulterous spouse to be put to death for cheating in the old testament. He is not a marriage at all cost God, in fact in the old testament he didn't give anyone a choice to divorce, nope he put both cheating participants to death and the spouse that was cheated on was made a widow or widower. (Leviticus 20:10) Forced to move on.

This certainly leads me to believe that his default position for adultery is divorce. Not for the marriage to survive - unless there is true repentance and then only if the spouse that is cheated on is capable of having what he calls an abundant life.

You're wife has cheated on you twice - IT'S NOT OUT OF CHARACTER FOR HER, *it's her nature*. You seem to think if you are just Godly enough that will stop her from cheating, or that you can pray her into being a better wife. It doesn't work that way. It also sounds like there has been some issues with you and debt. All of this is to say the marriage doesn't sound like it was good one, and hasn't been for a long time.

You know sometimes Gods answer it NO. Read (1 Corinthians 5: 9-12). “Expel the wicked person from among you.”

His answer for years for both of you was probably - do better. But it's seems it's too late.

That doesn't mean there is not more for you in the future, but your wife has agency in her choices and you do too, it's not satan that is making her cheat it's her lust. He also can't bring better into your life if you continue to hold on to bad.

You need to read "co dependency no more".

And you need to have the courage to move on and trust that your wife isn't your only path to happiness.


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## sokillme

jamierite74 said:


> Well I’ve made her out to be worse than she is, there are some things that I brought into our marriage before the affair that made her feel not wanted or loved. I only got this job three months ago, the debt is still there unfortunately(working on it) and I mean it when I say she’s really a good woman, this time we aren’t legally married so is it still considered an affair? She’s wanted me to be this great spiritual leader for years and i just ignored it..taking her for granted to the extreme. Before all of this I could’ve got her to go to a marriage retreat or something but now we don’t even talk. I decided today that as hard as it is I’m giving it completely to God and if He chooses to repair this then I’ll be ok..because me trying to fix it isn’t going to work.


You not being a great spiritual leader is not an excuse to cheat, any more then you not being a rock star is. Just stop making excuses.

I have to wonder did all of your problems start after she cheated the first time? You should go and see if you have PTSD.

I mean you really need to get some wisdom here, what you are effectively saying is she is out screwing some other guy because you were not a great spiritual leader. Does that make any sense to you? Come on guy.

Time to start seeing who your wife really is. You need some individual counseling (and don't go through the church, they often to more damage then good because they are not equipped to deal with trauma like this, and don't even know their bible like they should). Get someone who specializes in affair trauma.

Time to do some reading -









Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Beattie, Melody: 2015894864025: Amazon.com: Books


Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself [Beattie, Melody] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself



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This next book may explain some of your choices.









Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to The Victim (Asked, Answered and Explained) - Kindle edition by Mitchell, Wayne , Mitchell, Tamara. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to The Victim (Asked, Answered and Explained) - Kindle edition by Mitchell, Wayne , Mitchell, Tamara. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading...



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Narcissistic Women. The Concrete Healing Guide for Abused Men: How to Handle a Narcissist. Divorcing and Co-parenting After a Destructive Marriage. Thriving and Dating Again After Narcissistic Abuse. - Kindle edition by Foster, Caroline. Religion & Spirituality Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


Narcissistic Women. The Concrete Healing Guide for Abused Men: How to Handle a Narcissist. Divorcing and Co-parenting After a Destructive Marriage. Thriving and Dating Again After Narcissistic Abuse. - Kindle edition by Foster, Caroline. Religion & Spirituality Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.



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Finally what are you teaching your kids by allowing yourself to be abused like this?


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## hplove

You should read No more Mr nice guy and the dead bedroom fix. You can not change her but you can change yourself.


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## MJJEAN

jamierite74 said:


> she’s really a good woman


This is the second affair (that you know of) she's had while in a committed relationship with you. Wanna tell us all again how much of a good woman she is?

"This water bucket is great despite the big hole in it!"


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## DudeInProgress

It seems like a OP doesn’t dig what we had to tell him.

OP, I hope you come back. You’re in a seriously bad situation and you need good guidance.

The folks here (MANY of whom are Christian, many not) can help you.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

jamierite74 said:


> I don’t know why i did this..the divorce was her idea. I want her back more than ever. I think I’m ready to stop running and be the man..if it’s not too late.


From a former BH...run...when someone shows you who they are believe them.


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## Al_Bundy

Take the religion out. She cheated multiple times without any consequences. You've shown her she can do whatever she wants and you will still be there. Does that sound like a leader? 

Add this to your reading list. The Rational Male series. Book 4 deals specifically with religion.


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