# Help Please



## fixmymarriage (Apr 3, 2011)

Here's the short story...
Me and my wife had been married for 9 years and have two beautiful daughters. I have had a bad habit of lying to her. I’ve never cheated on her with another woman. I was supposed to stop smoking 8 years ago when she was pregnant. I never did, I wanted to but never followed though. So I constantly had to lie to her about that. 
Now here's the big problem. I am a compulsive gambler and have been for a few years. I have drained all our money. I have been lying to her about where I've been and where the money went. So when she found out she took control of all my money access and kicked me out. I talked to a counselor and went to 1 GA (gamblers Anonymous) meeting. But still went to the casino a couple of times. About two weeks after I left she said I could come home. When I came back she made it apparent that I came back only for the kids sake and said "we are not friends" and “I don't like you". She even cleaned the house real good in case she had to pack up and leave for good. I talked to her for a while and she showed that she wanted to work on our relationship after I had proven that I have changed. 
I had already made up my mind that if I heard that I was not going to lie to her anymore. So I told her what I've done while I was gone. She, rightfully so, got mad and kicked me out again. 
It's been about a week since then and I have not been to the casino, I have gone to counseling’s and as many GA meetings as I can. I haven't talked (mostly Texting) to her except on where to meet up for her to give me money for food/supplies and gas. At first I was desperately telling her I miss her, I love her and I'm sorry. After reading a little I realized she does not want to hear that. So I stopped. I have been sending her an email every night titled "daily update" so she knows what I've been up to, to show her I'm working on this and end it simply Love, and my name. 
My Question is I know she needs time but how much? I know she needs space. I desperately want to see if she wants to talk, to see if she wants to stay with me, or divorce or what. I have no idea what she's doing or how she and the kids are, except what I see on facebook (at least sh hasn'e de-friended me). How much time until I ask her to talk. We have a lot we need to work out but when should I tackle this next step. 
I am in the process of beating this issue for me. I have to do becuase I want to not beacuase she wants me to. And I do want to. I just hope she's there when I get better.
Any advice??
Wher do I go from here? 
What does she want/ need to hear from me? I will do anything not to loose my wife and family.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

fixmymarriage said:


> I have to do becuase I want to not beacuase she wants me to. And I do want to. I just hope she's there when I get better.
> Any advice??


I respect you. You are doing something many addicts can't or won't do: you are not doing this to manipulate her or to win her back.

You messed up big-time. But you are in recovery. Focus completely on YOUR recovery. Let your wife know you love her. Give her time. She needs recovery too. But that's up to her. 

You married a strong woman who knows how to enforce her boundaries. Heck, this is one of the healthiest posts I've read on this forum. 

She may not be there when you get better. I'm very familiar with A.A. and Al-Anon. We have sponsors who guide us through the steps and teach us to make amends. 

She's still hurting from the lies and deception. I hope you have a sponsor who can guide you on how to proceed with your wife and how (and when) to make attempts to sort things out with her.

Respect her boundaries, and respect your's. Just keep your side of the street clean for now. Maintain a strong support system. Just give her some time.

Again, I respect you. You have guts. Thanks for sharing.


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## fixmymarriage (Apr 3, 2011)

Thank you for your feedback. I'm relieved you think this a "healthy" post. I am giving her space but I am lost in what she is doing or even more importantly HOW she's doing. I'm nervous I will never get her back. 
Thank you again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I think what you wife needs from you right now is honesty without feeling your are pressuring her as to what she wants to do regarding your marriage. She may be going back and forth as to how she feels about it.

Call her and ask if you can meet for a cup of coffee. That way, you can both be in neutral territory. If anyone feels overwhelmed, they are free to get up and leave. You don't have to spill your guts, but you can tell her you're nervous, you want to know how she's doing, and fill her in on your progress.

This situation didn't occur overnight, and it's not going to be resolved overnight.

Do you have a sponsor? If so, ask him how to proceed. I'm just giving you my perspective based on working my own program and dealing with addicts. 

It's scarey, but go ahead and contact her.


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## fixmymarriage (Apr 3, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I think what you wife needs from you right now is honesty without feeling your are pressuring her as to what she wants to do regarding your marriage. She may be going back and forth as to how she feels about it.
> 
> Call her and ask if you can meet for a cup of coffee. That way, you can both be in neutral territory. If anyone feels overwhelmed, they are free to get up and leave. You don't have to spill your guts, but you can tell her you're nervous, you want to know how she's doing, and fill her in on your progress.
> 
> ...


Ok so I finally convinced her to talk to me. We are meeting Friday. Any advice on what I should or more importantly what I should not bring up. I really want to be part if my kids life. I want to help her with the kids house ect. I know that it will take a long time to gain her trust back but we need to start sometime. Any a dice will be greatly appreciated
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I wouldn't bring up the state of your marriage or wanting to come back. She knows you want to fix things and come home.
She needs time, she needs space. She feels very betrayed and needs time to process everything.

Focus on YOU and your recovery. Just one day at a time.
I wish nothing but the best for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

Try writting the kids letters and give them to her, she can read them and it would show that you are trying to reconnect with them too.


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## rudolphmx (Apr 23, 2011)

You are absolutely correct, she does not want to hear how sorry your are, or how you love her. She needs to see results, and the nightly updates is the best thing you can do for her. Trust me, she wants that more than an "I'm sorry, I love you." The problem is that you have completely broken all trust she has for you, and drained your savings. The only thing that can fix that is time and your updates. It will take a very long time to repair what you have done, but it can be done and you are surely on the right track.


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