# Sexuality issue - or is in an issue or me overreacting?



## Casandra81 (Oct 28, 2014)

Hi everyone,

I am new to this so please bear with me!!.. 

I am a 33 year old woman. Married to a great guy with 2 kids. Been together since our early twenties and everything has been good. 

About 6 weeks ago we were watching a TV show whilst drinking (too much) wine. One of the issues on the show was same sex relationships and we started talking about how we would react if one of our children came out as gay ( it wouldn't bother either of us BTW)

I asked my Hubby, almost as a joke if he had ever had any same sex experiences or attractions when he was younger. To my surprise he said that he had and that he had always found both genders sexually attractive. I know that I asked the question but I wasn't expecting that answer. 

I freaked out a bit and kind of demanded an explanation from him. He didn't to seem to see the issue. 

I his defence, I should add the following..... 

He has always been totally faithful to me. I believe this 110%. He is a good guy and has always put us first. 

He has never had a physical experience with another man and has no desire to cheat on me or experiment. He said that the issue would never had cropped up had I not asked the question as he is happy and loves me. 

We have a good an active sex life. In fact, he is the one that initiates sex! I know that he enjoys our sex life ( a woman knows these things!) so I am not worried that he is forcing himself to be with me. 

He confessed that he has seen gay porn but I also know that he has viewed a lot of straight porn ( neither of us have an issue with the other viewing porn and I have seen both straight and lesbian porn in the past)

As far as he is concerned there is no issue and he regrets every mentioning it to me. He isn't prepared to call himself bi even though I pointed out that he probably is. 

Am I overreacting to this? One the one hand nothing has changed and I know he is still the same bloke that I have loved for 12 years but I can't move on from this! 

I keep googling trying to find others in this situation but all I get is info suggesting that he is gay and in the closet but I really don't think this is the case. 

What should I do? Am I overacting? I wish he hadn't told me this.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Cassendra81
Most men are attracted to other women in addition to their wives. As long as they don't cheat that isn't a problem. Your husband happens to be attracted to other women AND men. Again, as long as he doesn't cheat, its not a problem. 

It is great that he felt able to tell you this.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yes, you're overreacting. And you're teaching him that he should be very careful what truths he exposes to you in the future. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Here is what I think you should do.

First, thank him for being honest and open with you. This is great IMO.

Second, do nothing? So what if he is Bi. Labels don't mean anything. If he wants to watch gay porn or bi porn........and it doesn't effect your marriage.......so what? Let him

Third, Remember, WHAT he is doesn't really matter, WHAT HE DOES and who he has sex with is what does matter. So if you want to talk about boundaries with other people and reconfirm that it applies to all sexes (and if that makes you feel better) by all means do so.

Just confirm that your cheating/boundaries rules stand in place for both sexes.

I would probably hold off few weeks to have this conversation though....


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Dan Savage has talked about this on his podcast - that when a heterosexual woman finds out her male partner is bisexual, she often has a hard time accepting that he is bisexual and suspects that he is really 100% gay. Seems harder for us to accept male bisexuality than female bisexuality but it's just as natural. Doesn't mean he is secretly wishing you were a guy.


----------



## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

OP are you able you identify why this is freaking you out? What do you feel about him having an attraction towards men? Does this throw cold water on your attraction for him?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Casandra81,

Your reaction is most likely founded in a concern that your husband might be gay. Most women would be very upset if they found out that their husband was gay. (Gay meaning actually engaging sex with the other men.)

A person finding both men and women sexually attractive does not make them gay. I am a woman. I find both good looking men and women sexually attractive. However I have zero desire to have any sexual encounter with another woman. It does not interest me at all. Now I love sex with a man. 

I'm not a lesbian. In the same light your husband is not gay. Good looking, well built, people are sexually attractive whether they are male or female. That's simply a fact. Your husband acknowledges this.

You asked your husband a question. He answered you truthfully. You overreacted. If you want you husband to always be truthful and open with you, you need to make it safe for him to do this. Your reaction could very well tell him that he needs to keep some things secret from you. I don't think you want him to do this because if he starts keeping secrets, it's the start of the end of your marriage.


----------



## Casandra81 (Oct 28, 2014)

thefam said:


> OP are you able you identify why this is freaking you out? What do you feel about him having an attraction towards men? Does this throw cold water on your attraction for him?


Great question although I am not sure of the answer! I guess it's just the thought of there being a part of him that I was no aware of. He has obviously kept It to himself and that bothers me. 

I do still find him attractive and I still love him lots but I can't help but feel worried.


----------



## Casandra81 (Oct 28, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Cassendra81
> Most men are attracted to other women in addition to their wives. As long as they don't cheat that isn't a problem. Your husband happens to be attracted to other women AND men. Again, as long as he doesn't cheat, its not a problem.
> 
> It is great that he felt able to tell you this.


Thanks - this post does help to put it into perspective


----------



## Casandra81 (Oct 28, 2014)

*need guys perspective on this please*

Hi everyone,

I am new to this so please bear with me!!.. 

I am a 33 year old woman. Married to a great guy with 2 kids. Been together since our early twenties and everything has been good. 

About 6 weeks ago we were watching a TV show whilst drinking (too much) wine. One of the issues on the show was same sex relationships and we started talking about how we would react if one of our children came out as gay ( it wouldn't bother either of us BTW)

I asked my Hubby, almost as a joke if he had ever had any same sex experiences or attractions when he was younger. To my surprise he said that he had and that he had always found both genders sexually attractive. I know that I asked the question but I wasn't expecting that answer. 

I freaked out a bit and kind of demanded an explanation from him. He didn't to seem to see the issue. 

I his defence, I should add the following..... 

He has always been totally faithful to me. I believe this 110%. He is a good guy and has always put us first. 

He has never had a physical experience with another man and has no desire to cheat on me or experiment. He said that the issue would never had cropped up had I not asked the question as he is happy and loves me. 

We have a good an active sex life. In fact, he is the one that initiates sex! I know that he enjoys our sex life ( a woman knows these things!) so I am not worried that he is forcing himself to be with me. 

He confessed that he has seen gay porn but I also know that he has viewed a lot of straight porn ( neither of us have an issue with the other viewing porn and I have seen both straight and lesbian porn in the past)

As far as he is concerned there is no issue and he regrets every mentioning it to me. He isn't prepared to call himself bi even though I pointed out that he probably is. 

Am I overreacting to this? One the one hand nothing has changed and I know he is still the same bloke that I have loved for 12 years but I can't move on from this! 

I keep googling trying to find others in this situation but all I get is info suggesting that he is gay and in the closet but I really don't think this is the case. 

What should I do? Am I overacting? I wish he hadn't told me this.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You've admitted to looking at lesbian porn.... so he is no more gay than you are.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Casandra81 said:


> Great question although I am not sure of the answer! *I guess it's just the thought of there being a part of him that I was no aware of.* He has obviously kept It to himself and that bothers me.
> 
> I do still find him attractive and I still love him lots but I can't help but feel worried.


No one could possible tell another every thing that every goes through their mind. there are not enough hours in a lifetime to do this. 

While it's important to tell one's spouse the things that drive our motives and actions, the rest just go untold because they really have no effect on the relationship or on one's life.

I've never told anyone in my real life that I find the female body sexually attractive. Why? Because like I said above.. it has zero effect on my actions in life and in my relationship. Now if I ever had a conversation with a spouse/SO where it came up, I'd probably mention it in passing.

This is most likely what happened with your husband. If he never acts on the thoughts, and they do not dominate his head space, then why would he feel a need to tell you? Certainly not until it came up in conversation.


----------



## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*

I think he's right in that it's only an issue because you're making it into one. 

Are you concerned that he's going to wander off to the White Swallow Bathhouse now and find men, when he's been this way forever and could have done so at any point in the past *but hasn't*? 

He likes both genders. He married you and had kids with you. He's made his decision to be with you. Nothing has changed except you know this. 

I think you need to have a serious discussion about this so you can both make peace with it and then get on with your lives as they were.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*

My advice is to stick with one thread. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Understand that the labels we use to categorize sexuality, including "hetreosexual", are all relatively new. We tend to stick hard and fast to labels that literally did not exist as forms of identity for the majority of human history. 

Hundreds of millions of men, if not billions, have had sexual thoughts and feelings regarding other men. For some the thoughts have been passing, others more persistent. Most boys have some kind of sexual experience with another boy(s). Plenty of men are curious, take glances, admire, envy and are able to find other males attractive.

And yet the overwhelming majority of men do not, and will not, have sex with other men. There is a vast chasm for most men between thoughts and even looking at some porn and going out to have some ass.

It's incredible that he mentioned his honest feelings, and did so casually; that is extremely rare. But unless he knew you were truly open, or he's seriously interested in having sexual contact with another man, I agree he should have kept it to himself. Gay panic has overtaken and many men are so insecure that they won't even admit to loving a close friend, or have a hug. And most women don't help as they're just as antagonistic and ignorant bout male sexuality. It's perfect acceptable for you to admit having some fluidity to your sexuality, yet the inverse causes you panic. Your reaction is exactly the reason why he should've kept his mouth shut and why most men will never, ever admit to having any kind of non-platonic thoughts about other men.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*

Howdy Casandra,

First – adolescent and pre-adolescent same sex “experiences” are far more common than you might think. Children are curious, not inhibited by social/psychological mores and such “experiences” don’t necessarily affect/reflect long term sexual orientation.

Second – so why would the fact that he has an attraction for both gentleman and ladies but chose to marry you, remaining loyal, being a good father and husband be any different than if he only had an affinity for the ladies? The net effect is still the same. And from a statistical perspective you are twice as good because his list of potential candidates was twice as large!

Third – does it really matter if he is “bi” or not? And what is the need to affix that label to him? He says he doesn’t consider himself to be so – what’s the need to go down that road? Its sounds as if he’s comfortable with who and what he is.

If it were me, I’d apologize for overreacting and ask that it not get in the way of being honest with each other in the future.


----------



## Casandra81 (Oct 28, 2014)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*



PBear said:


> My advice is to stick with one thread.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did say that I wanted a guys perspective. Why post a comment if you have nothing constructive or supportive to say????


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*



Casandra81 said:


> I keep googling trying to find others in this situation but all I get is info suggesting that he is gay and in the closet but I really don't think this is the case.


You don't WANT to think it's the case.

There's really no such thing as a bisexual male.

If he gets off to gay porn and he's had an attraction to men, well then he's gay. 

No if's ands or BUTTS.

You can't know if he's ever cheated on you or if he ever will cheat on you. Eventually his self perpetuating lie will catch up with him.

So no, you're not over reacting.


----------



## knowthyself (Sep 26, 2014)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*

It's interesting how a woman can say a woman is beautiful or recognize she has nice breasts but if a man does it about another man it is a problem. There are various levels of attraction in both sexes that aren't necessarily defined by one all encompassing term. For example , he might see another man that has a nice body and recognize that but in no way want to kiss or cuddle with him


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*

I wouldn't look too deep into this. If he was a truly closeted gay, he would be struggling in many ways because of the idea that he was burying his authentic identity. The fact that it sounds like you have a very communicative and sexually open relationship...shows that he isn't dealing with a deep, dark buried secret that is eating him alive.

Opposite sexes can appreciate the attractiveness of other genders and not be gay or bi. If women never found other women attractive, then why would they mimic hairstyles or the way they dress? Same goes with men. Humans know what is attractive and what isn't. It doesn't mean, however, that it determines sexual orientation.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*



lenzi said:


> You don't WANT to think it's the case.
> 
> There's really no such thing as a bisexual male.
> 
> ...


You implied that women can be bisexual but men cannot. That's not a logical opinion. Then you use that to prop up an argument that he's living a self perpetuating lie. 

This recent study uses actual logic. Self labelled straight, bi, and gay men watching pornographic film clips and physiological equipment that measured changes in genital arousal.

Three Myths About Bisexuality, Debunked by Science | Psychology Today


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*



Casandra81 said:


> I did say that I wanted a guys perspective. Why post a comment if you have nothing constructive or supportive to say????


I merged your two threads. Please don't open the same thread in multiple forums.


----------



## Casandra81 (Oct 28, 2014)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*



lenzi said:


> You don't WANT to think it's the case.
> 
> There's really no such thing as a bisexual male.
> 
> ...


Thanks for posting... All opinions are welcome although I doubt that what you have said is actually true in all cases. 

Despite my paranoia, I know that he isn't 100% gay due the way that he is with me. He has always been really into our physical relationship and I don't think he would be quite so eager if he wasn't enjoying it!!

I suppose that none of us can 100% say for sure whether our partners have cheated on us or not but I would bet everything I have on the fact that he hasn't. He is a good guy and I have absolutely NO reason to doubt or question his fidelity.


----------



## Casandra81 (Oct 28, 2014)

last night I decided to try and draw a line under this and asked him if we could talk about it. He was reluctant - I think that he is just exasperated by the whole issue now which I can partly understand.

He told me that he deeply regretted telling me about it and feel like he has opened an unnecessary can of worms. I explained that I was shocked and never expected such a revelation. He kept reiterating how it makes no difference and how he could never imagine being with anyone else. I believe this totally and can see how stressed he is *( how stressed I have made him?)*

I asked him to reiterate him exactly what his attractions are. He confirmed that he does find both men and women sexually attractive but that he has never felt the need or urge to be with a guy and apart from the porn, has never had any experiences of it. He doesn't want to adopt a label. As far as he is concerned he is in a permanent heterosexual relationship with me and that is all that counts. I know that his makes sense. 

He asked me if I am ever attracted to other guys and I agreed that of course I sometimes am. He said that it's no different to his situation as he trusts me not to act on it. I asked him if he would consider a relationship with a guy if he were single with no ties. He said it was impossible to answer out of context but that he accepted his attractions to both sexes but has simply made the decision to not act. 

We have agreed to try and not discuss it for at least a while and to try and get back to some level or normality. 

One of the things that this has taught me is that sexuality is far more complex that I previously thought. It's definitely not black and white! Not even for guys!!


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Casandra81 said:


> One of the things that this has taught me is that sexuality is far more complex that I previously thought. It's definitely not black and white! Not even for guys!!


Did you mean to say "guys" or did you mean "gays"?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sexuality is a spectrum with very very few people falling firmly and 100% exclusively on either end. As such, most people are somewhere in the middle ish range.

Glad you realized how complicated and convoluted a persons sexuality can be.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*



lenzi said:


> snip
> There's really no such thing as a bisexual male.


Why do you say that? I know bisexual men who would disagree.
I have seen studies that suggest that women are more often bisexual than men, but that doesn't mean that bisexual men don't exist .


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Casandra81
He is probably extremely stressed - this is a very difficult thing for a man to admit.

Try to see this as an opportunity. He has told you about his very private sexual interests. Do you have any sexual interests you haven't told him? This is a chance for you both to be open about what you like, what you fantasize about. 

You may be able to learn more about his interest in men. If, for example, it is associated with a desire to be sexually submissive, then that is something you can do with him. 

Show him that he can trust you with his deepest secrets or the next time he will take his secrets elsewhere. Reject him on this and while he may not cheat physically, you will have given him the perfect motivation to have an emotional affair.




Casandra81 said:


> last night I decided to try and draw a line under this and asked him if we could talk about it. He was reluctant - I think that he is just exasperated by the whole issue now which I can partly understand.
> 
> He told me that he deeply regretted telling me about it and feel like he has opened an unnecessary can of worms. I explained that I was shocked and never expected such a revelation. He kept reiterating how it makes no difference and how he could never imagine being with anyone else. I believe this totally and can see how stressed he is *( how stressed I have made him?)*
> 
> ...


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*



lenzi said:


> There's really no such thing as a bisexual male.
> 
> 
> richardsharpe said:
> ...


I don't know- I read it somewhere and it seems to make sense.

I have no scientific or factual basis on which I make this argument, I just say it because it sounds good.

Apparently there was a study done recently- there's a link in an earlier post on this thread- that disputes the whole "there are no bisexual males" theory.

As a heterosexual male all that matters to me is that as far as sex goes, one d!ck is more than enough.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*



lenzi said:


> I don't know- I read it somewhere and it seems to make sense.
> 
> I have no scientific or factual basis on which I make this argument, I just say it because it sounds good.
> 
> Apparently there was a study done recently- there's a link in an earlier post on this thread- that disputes the whole "there are no bisexual males" theory.


For your edification...

The Kinsey Institute - Kinsey Sexuality Rating Scale


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

*Re: need guys perspective on this please*



lenzi said:


> You don't WANT to think it's the case.
> 
> There's really no such thing as a bisexual male.
> 
> ...



More men have been having sex with men AND women than men who've only had sex exclusively with men.

The gay identity is new (so is the straight one). Men having sexual relations with other men isn't. And most men who historically had sex with men also had sex willingly with women, including in societies that had no real stigma against homosexual relations.

The idea that men don't have sexual fluidity, and instead are all binary, is very new and very disproven by both history and contemporary sexual activity the world over.

TL;DR You are wrong.


----------

