# First Post.....



## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

So yesterday was St. Patrick's Day and I went out with friends. First time I have really "let loose" since the seperation. It felt really good. I was there with 2 couples who are very happily married and are longtime friends, one divorced and single friend (male), and a happily newly married couple who the girl is a longime friend who went through a difficult divorce a few years ago. Man.....in the midst of all the fun I got a whole lot of "advise". From "F him" to "We still love him and want you guys to work it out". It is great that I have such supportive friends, but even their advise is confusing. Part of me enjoys the "freedom" I am experiencing (still have responsibility for the kids half the time) and part of me feels guilty. I still dont know if it is the freedom I am craving or actually want to be free of "him". I guess that even though it has been about 6 weeks since we have seperated it is still too soon to know for sure. Tomorrow is another session of marriage counseling. Will have to see what tomorrow brings i guess! 

Any thoughts or insights?


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Any more info, background or did I miss it in an earlier post? How long were you married? What are the circumstances surrounding your separation?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

No, you didnt miss anything....i have replied to a few posts, but never put up a thread of my own. We have been married for 16 years and have 2 boys. The unhappiness began to take over about 8 years ago....went to counseling together 5 years ago, things got better for about a year, then went downhill again. I have been trying for the better part of 2 years to figure out what is wrong and repair things, but so far nothing has worked. So I moved out 6 weeks ago to try and get some distance and perspective. We continue to go to marriage counseling....and have "dates", but im not feeling a big change in my feelings for him. It just feels like I am with a platonic friend. I really dont want things to be over.....but i dont know what else to do to try and get the feelings back!


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I went through quite a few periods like that over my 23 year marriage. I always just figured it was part of a typical marriage and that we'd get through it. It wasn't until I felt threatened by someone on the internet that I started to wake up and realize what I had to lose...sadly it was too late. He had already started to check out. We never were successful at marriage counseling as it always ended up getting turned around to my depression and so we never continued. I think the potential was there for us to be in love again if we had both wanted to put in the same effort...at the same time. I think in your case, if the mc hasn't worked and you're not "feeling it" maybe all avenues to rekindle your marriage have been travelled. Maybe a different mc would help since its been a few years since you went. How does he feel? Is he up for maybe trying another mc or different type of counseling?


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Sorry, misread your post, i see you're still in counseling. I think if you don't want it to be over (and you're both feeling that way) then there's still something there that just needs to be uncovered and polished up. How about self-help books?


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

This time around we are going to a counselor we both like. He is "totally in love with me", "will do anything for you", "lost without you".....uggggg......he has no friends that he does anything with and I told him I cant be his "only person" he needs to find other happinesses, if that makes any sense. He swears he is happy with how things are (except the lack of sex). I really dont believe that is true....


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

MeetVirginia said:


> So yesterday was St. Patrick's Day and I went out with friends. First time I have really "let loose" since the seperation. It felt really good. I was there with 2 couples who are very happily married and are longtime friends, one divorced and single friend (male), and a happily newly married couple who the girl is a longime friend who went through a difficult divorce a few years ago. Man.....in the midst of all the fun I got a whole lot of "advise". From "F him" to "We still love him and want you guys to work it out". It is great that I have such supportive friends, but even their advise is confusing. * Part of me enjoys the "freedom" I am experiencing (still have responsibility for the kids half the time) and part of me feels guilty. I still dont know if it is the freedom I am craving or actually want to be free of "him". *I guess that even though it has been about 6 weeks since we have seperated it is still too soon to know for sure. Tomorrow is another session of marriage counseling. Will have to see what tomorrow brings i guess!
> 
> Any thoughts or insights?


Hello - Can you please help me understand what is bolded? Because, that's what my W of 12 years told me in front of our MC. How, during this 9 month separation, she noticed I became an even better father (never an issue) and how much she appreciated her independence. There is no OM. Rather, as typical with Walk Away Wives, the years of misery/unhappiness without communicating to each other, has caused a seemingly inpenetrable wall that she is unwilling to allow to break.

What would be some signs that would change your mind and make you further question your spouse's devotion/motivation in becoming happy himself and wanting to reunite with you and form a new relationship?

I'm at a loss right now, because my W won't give me/us another chance. We ended up as roommates with children, and she has changed, so that our reason for separation, etc., is "grew apart."

Right now, since my W is done with MC (more to support My emotions at this difficult time), I am allowing my actions to speak more than talking about our relationship, or begging, pleading, promising.

I think it is so unfair to separate from a spouse for years, not communicate anything, go through a grievance process, and then one day spring upon him/her with the ILYBINILWY, and by the way, you have no chance at recovering from this...


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

I think that I have to change my mindset about him in order for us to have a chance. I am starting IC next week with a new therapist who works with our MC and I am hoping that this will help me. He is distraut, and "will do anything" to get me to come back. However, I dont want him to change who he is.....that is not fair to him, I want to like him again, and there is a lot I need to get through the wall I have put up over these many years.....he is trying to change, and im afraid he is in "panic" mode and that we will go through the same cycle as we did the first time we went to counseling. I am very sad for us, but I dont want to live my life unhappy and feeling smothered; which is how I feel when I am around him. I dont even know if this makes any sense......


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

MeetVirginia said:


> I think that I have to change my mindset about him in order for us to have a chance. I am starting IC next week with a new therapist who works with our MC and I am hoping that this will help me. He is distraut, and "will do anything" to get me to come back. However, I dont want him to change who he is.....that is not fair to him, I want to like him again, and there is a lot I need to get through the wall I have put up over these many years.....*he is trying to change, and im afraid he is in "panic" mode and that we will go through the same cycle as we did the first time we went to counseling. I am very sad for us, but I dont want to live my life unhappy and feeling smothered; which is how I feel when I am around him.* I dont even know if this makes any sense......


Yes. I've heard this (bolded) as well. My W doubts any MC at this time because she's afraid of what will happen in a year or 2 when we get in that rut of living. 

In addition, due to come circumstances (long story), she insists I deserve better. She cannot see how I could ever forgive some of her actions (EA will suffice). She has felt guilt for so long, that seeing me upset has pushed her farther away (I stopped my emotional breakdowns in front of her 4 weeks ago). Prior to our separation, for months, I would find clumps of hair in the drain. Stress. Guilt. Now, she wants us to move on, yet remain friends for the children and our frequent interaction we'll have with them. Remain friends, yet, not provide us with any chance at simproving our M--even 1 last shot??!?

I wish she would be motivated to seek IC, or even spiritual advice. But, that is MY road, I'm on.

I hurt for all. I'm sad. I hope my changes inspire her. Or show that she can trust in us. Trust in love. Communicate without fear. All of this is between her and me. However, the effects this is having and will have on our children is when I get angry.


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

JayB....I am sorry that she is not giving MC a chance and you a chance to forgive her. If she is feeling so much guilt that her hair is falling out she reallys needs IC!!! Any idea what started this "downfall"?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

MeetVirginia said:


> JayB....I am sorry that she is not giving MC a chance and you a chance to forgive her. If she is feeling so much guilt that her hair is falling out she reallys needs IC!!! Any idea what started this "downfall"?


Lack of communicating about us. Lack of regular and authentic intimacy. In addition to getting caught up in everyday life. Not appreciating each other. Living as friends.

We both withdrew from each other. She obtained new friends and found new interests. I secluded myself and drank to numb the pain, I myself was going through. All the while, from the outside looking in, we were the normal, happy married couple with a great family.

After we separated, neither of us talked about us. So, 3 months later, I filed for D without telling her. That switched to an adversarial relationship. then, 3 months later, I realized my error, and wanted to calmly backup and tlak through stuff. Too little/too late.

And, I beat myself up everyday at making some decisions. Because, I asked her what the purpose of separation was. She said to see if she missed me. But that open purpose was squashed when I filed for D.

Now, she just wants to proceed to end our M. And I want us to both make 1 last attempt to clear our consciences.


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

I really hope you get that chance. I am trying hard (even though I am the one that left), I am getting some space and some perspective, I hope it plus the counseling will work. Hats off to you for admitting your mistake and putting yourself "out there" for counseling.....it is really tough!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

MeetVirginia said:


> I really hope you get that chance. I am trying hard (even though I am the one that left), I am getting some space and some perspective, I hope it plus the counseling will work. Hats off to you for admitting your mistake and putting yourself "out there" for counseling.....it is really tough!



Thank you. I was hoping to learn more about you in your situation because I have heard from my W a lot of what you have said/believe.

I want to know what signs or actions you would see from your husband to truly give you pause and make you motivated to reconsider and at least give it more time before officially ending the M in D.

I already see progress in you by attending IC. My wife stopped that a long time ago. In addition, she is done with MC with me at the attempts in trying to work on us because she doesn't want to provide me any false hope (even though she stated that she would be willing to try and give me a chance if there was a way to recoup her feelings for me).


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

Please ask what you want to know!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

MeetVirginia said:


> Please ask what you want to know!


What signs or actions you would see from your husband to truly give you pause and make you motivated to reconsider and at least give it more time before officially ending your M?

You mentioned him changing, but you doubting the authenticity of the changes and doubting if they would last. How would you hold hope open?


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

I would look for him to be genuine (I have known him long enough to know the difference), so boost his self-esteem and admit that he also has unhappiness, for him to be a more positive person and not constantly be putting people down and commenting on people by how they look (calling a co-worker "muffin top" or generalizing all drivers from another state "freeloaders"), being more careful with his language and actions around our children. If I can see these things over time then I may begin to feel like he is truly trying. I dont want him to be a completely different person, but more like the person I met 20 years ago. I understand that people change some over time, but he has become negavie and angry, and I cant live with that. I dont feel like I am ready to make any decisions as of now.....I have only been out of the home for 6 weeks. I have a year lease, and I feel like we have plenty of time! Is this the info you were looking for?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

MeetVirginia said:


> I would look for him to be genuine (I have known him long enough to know the difference), so boost his self-esteem and admit that he also has unhappiness, for him to be a more positive person and not constantly be putting people down and commenting on people by how they look (calling a co-worker "muffin top" or generalizing all drivers from another state "freeloaders"), being more careful with his language and actions around our children. If I can see these things over time then I may begin to feel like he is truly trying. I dont want him to be a completely different person, but more like the person I met 20 years ago. I understand that people change some over time, but he has become negavie and angry, and I cant live with that. I dont feel like I am ready to make any decisions as of now.....I have only been out of the home for 6 weeks. I have a year lease, and I feel like we have plenty of time! Is this the info you were looking for?


Yes, it is. Initially, my wife told me to sign a 7-12 month lease and to not expect to move back at the end of the lease. I understand. 

Back in January, when I expressed doubts about proceeding with the divorce and wanting to try everything, I mistakenly coupled that heartfelt request with mentioning what a change it was going from 2 good salaries to individual salaries with dual services to maintain standard of living. What she got out of that conversation is that I want to save the M because I am afraid to live responsibly on my own and that I wanted her back to maintain a great financial lifestyle. It's like I step in it, whenever I least expect it.


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

J- it is interesting that you say that, because there are times I feel like he wants me to come back to help him with the kids (and we are sharing time with them so he doesnt have them totally on his own, but he has more difficulty with them than i do), and for financial reasons. He does make significantly more than I do, and if we do divorce we will have to sell the house etc...part of me is afraid that "logistics" play a role in his feelings of me coming back.


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## lovemygirls (Feb 26, 2012)

This! 

"I want to know what signs or actions you would see from your husband to truly give you pause and make you motivated to reconsider and at least give it more time before officially ending the M in D."


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

Well, one thing did happen Monday at our last mc session, he faced me and told me that he was sorry for not being supportive of me, standing up for me, and for leaving me with most of the family responsibilities. I know it was a big thing for him to say this.....it wasnt as "big" to me as i thought it would be......I think I am looking more for things about "us".......im very confused......


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