# They love us? How do you handle that statement?



## Oregon Rose (Jul 1, 2013)

I'm just curious as to how you handle it when your CS says, "I love you. I want to be with you. The affair was just a mistake." For me, our marriage is a dead issue. The only real issue for me is biding my time to better myself skills/job wise so I can leave and be financially secure on my own. After they cheat, you tend to realize that they did not love you. They did not think anything at all of you. When caught, so many tend to want to stay married to the wife/husband they cheated on. I find hearing my CS say, "I love you" as the most dishonest, sad joke that he could ever come up with. Almost as bad as, "We can renew our vows if you want." Why would I want to do that?! It was him that broke the vows. I won't be making that mistake twice. It's insulting to even think about. 

Do you find when your CS says "I love you" you no longer believe it? I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. When he says, "I love you," to me that is the biggest lie of all. It makes me want to cry instead of being something good. I don't believe it. I don't respond to it. I feel like a duped chump all over again everytime he says it if he thinks I'm buying it at all. I'm not.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I think this is a perfectly natural response. After all, how could someone that loves you do something like this to you? How could they lie to you, deceive you, hurt you, give their body and heart to another? That's not love.

I think that's why a lot of people who do reconcile after an affair feel like they sort of have a "new" marriage. The old marriage is dead. Love is shattered. You have to start over and learn to trust, learn to love all over again.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Oregon Rose said:


> I'm just curious as to how you handle it when your CS says, "I love you. I want to be with you. The affair was just a mistake." For me, our marriage is a dead issue. The only real issue for me is biding my time to better myself skills/job wise so I can leave and be financially secure on my own. After they cheat, you tend to realize that they did not love you. They did not think anything at all of you. When caught, so many tend to want to stay married to the wife/husband they cheated on. I find hearing my CS say, "I love you" as the most dishonest, sad joke that he could ever come up with. Almost as bad as, "We can renew our vows if you want." Why would I want to do that?! It was him that broke the vows. I won't be making that mistake twice. It's insulting to even think about.
> 
> Do you find when your CS says "I love you" you no longer believe it? I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. When he says, "I love you," to me that is the biggest lie of all. It makes me want to cry instead of being something good. I don't believe it. I don't respond to it. I feel like a duped chump all over again everytime he says it if he thinks I'm buying it at all. I'm not.


I think they may believe that they actually do love you (my stbxw says this to me all the time still - I NEVER say it back, because I don't). I think the problem lies in that a WS doesn't actually understand what love is - or their version of love is corrupt and twisted. I think cheaters are messed up people who aren't capable of REAL love. In my opinion, you don't betray and shatter the very soul of someone you love, intentionally - and that's what cheating does. I am incapable of intentionally inflicting severe emotional pain, trauma and heartache on someone I "love".

Do I think it's possible they loved you before they cheated and after the cheating is over? Maybe. But again, I think a cheater is fundamentally incapable of actually loving their betrayed spouse, or they wouldn't have betrayed their spouse in the first place.

I just ignore her when she says it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I think it is possible that "some" CS's do actually love their BS's. And some of those don't realize how much until they're caught.

But that love doesn't prevent the cheating because they're morally lacking. Could be any combination of; selfish, immature, self-centered, narcissistic, entitled, egotistical, vindictive; you fill in the moral fault. 

In effect they don't know or care what wedding vows mean. They don't understand what love is supposed to mean.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Oregon Rose,

My thought is that they don't understand what love really means. They must think love is something you receive, not necessarily placing the other's needs ahead of you own. Their entitlement feeds them. They feel love when they are fed.

No doubt you feel love is something that you give to others.

Read the stories of WSs that realize this after going through R. Many didn't understand what they had before or during the A. Some don't realize it until they go through D. Some must never figure it out.

Bless your heart! Hope you feel better each day.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Looks like we all are thinking the same way! Lol!


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## moto (Jan 24, 2013)

This for is very hard to handle for me, because my WS doesn't respect me, doesn't trust me and had an affair just before she married me. Then I found out about her EA months after being married, then she decided to tell me years later it was a PA! 

To say I'm very torn about my feeling when they say " I love you" it's getting to a point now that if she says that, I have 75% chance of getting a trigger and calling BS to her face. Just like you, I'm trying to better myself financially so that If I'm still thinking of leaving I can. 


It's pretty much a slap to my face when I hear though words.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

moto said:


> This for is very hard to handle for me, because my WS doesn't respect me, doesn't trust me and had an affair just before she married me. Then I found out about her EA months after being married, then she decided to tell me years later it was a PA!
> 
> To say I'm very torn about my feeling when they say " I love you" it's getting to a point now that if she says that, I have 75% chance of getting a trigger and calling BS to her face. Just like you, I'm trying to better myself financially so that If I'm still thinking of leaving I can.
> 
> ...


I understand that moto. Never the less it's still probably better for her to say it than not to. But in your case especially, she needs to demonstrate it.

It reminds me of that old song by Extreme - "More than words".


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

badmemory said:


> It reminds me of that old song by Extreme - "More than words".


Great tune.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Oregon Rose said:


> ...your CS says, "I love you. I want to be with you. The affair was just a mistake."


I love you = I prefer that you don't leave me

I want to be with you = Please don't find someone else

The affair was just a mistake = you are expected to not tell anyone, forgive them, and pretend that it never happened.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

My WS spouse told me "I do love you" My response was how can you say you love me and continue to hurt me the way you do, you don't do this to someone you love, you just don't. This was via text about 9:30 one morning. I did not hear from him the rest of day and he came in with 2 dozen white roses. Did not mean he loves me, just meant he had guilt and knew he had hurt me. He has not seen her since then but they text/sext, email and talk every single day and tell each other I love you. 

So in my mind, no he does not love me. I just want out and be able to move on.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't think you can force someone to define and feel love the way you do. The best you can do is hope that your spouse comes close to your own understanding of the emotion and what it demands of us in terms of commitment and behavior.

Many, many people take their spouses' love for granted. I think this propels many affairs, since these people are comfortable with the marital love in the background and allow themselves to 'play' for a bit of ego-gratification and momentary physical pleasure. To the people who do this, the marital love isn't in question and they see no dissonance in declaring love for their spouses at the same time that they are having affairs. The untold hurt that they cause the people they say they love is often a mystery to them. They say, 'It was just sex. It didn't mean anything.'

People who think like this are simply mismatches for people who love more selflessly, for people who are aware of the hurt that their behavior can cause and wouldn't ever want to visit that on someone they love.

So, to you, OP, I would say that, sure, he loves you, just not in the way that you need and deserve to be loved. You two are at best a mismatched pair.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

pollywog said:


> My WS spouse told me "I do love you" My response was how can you say you love me and continue to hurt me the way you do, you don't do this to someone you love, you just don't. This was via text about 9:30 one morning. I did not hear from him the rest of day and he came in with 2 dozen white roses. Did not mean he loves me, just meant he had guilt and knew he had hurt me. He has not seen her since then but they text/sext, email and talk every single day and tell each other I love you.
> 
> So in my mind, no he does not love me. I just want out and be able to move on.


Goddamn. That's tough to read, Polly. You deserve better, a man who sincerely loves and appreciates you. If it'd make ya feel better, I'll stop by and bust his nose for ya. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

One last post for my day...

Oregon Rose, Pollywog, and Moto;

So hard to see you hurting this way today! Wish we could take away a sliver of your pain.

It will get better in time. It takes courage to move ahead, but you can do it! Many of us have done it, and many are doing little steps to make it better every day.

Bless your hearts.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

pollywog said:


> My WS spouse told me "I do love you" My response was how can you say you love me and continue to hurt me the way you do, you don't do this to someone you love, you just don't. This was via text about 9:30 one morning. I did not hear from him the rest of day and he came in with 2 dozen white roses. Did not mean he loves me, just meant he had guilt and knew he had hurt me. He has not seen her since then but they text/sext, email and talk every single day and tell each other I love you.
> 
> So in my mind, no he does not love me. I just want out and be able to move on.


That hurt me just reading that. I am sorry you are not getting the love and respect you deserve.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

I'm in the mob with the rest of you. She says she loves me, but has an affair? How's that work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oregon Rose (Jul 1, 2013)

Many of you think that views of "love" differ from person to person. I suppose that's true. When you marry someone and they make it perfectly clear that infidelity is a marriage killer, and the cheating spouse says, "Look me in the eyes! I would NEVER do that to you!!!" - *after* they have already cheated on you, with all the sincerity their cheating hearts can muster, then I say that person is either sociopathic or just a rotten human being. 

It would be nice if there was some kind of screening that people could go through that evaluated people on their values, honestly, morals, and true selves. All of the like-minded people with good hearts and honest values could live their lives out happily without cheating and betrayal at least. All of those who think it's okay to cheat, "it's only sex", who don't seem to want commitment even though they married someone with the understanding that marriage was "you and me" only - well, all of those people could have each other. Let them be with their own kind and leave the decent people bound to get hurt out of their games. This screening would be great because you can't always see what you've married until they show their true colors. You go into marriage thinking the better of them and then they go and ruin it. Too bad the screening is only imaginary and not real because it would save some of us a lot of heartbreak. 

I think some people just shouldn't get married. If they know cheating is in their blood, something they think is okay, then do not get married. Or get married to someone who is okay with an open marriage. 

I take "I love you" now as a slap in the face as well. I can't wait til the day I can leave and he comes home and finds I'm gone.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Oregon Rose said:


> I can't wait til the day I can leave and he comes home and finds I'm gone.


Are you leaving him? What's delaying you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oregon Rose said:


> I'm just curious as to how you handle it when your CS says, "I love you. I want to be with you. The affair was just a mistake." For me, our marriage is a dead issue. The only real issue for me is biding my time to better myself skills/job wise so I can leave and be financially secure on my own. After they cheat, you tend to realize that they did not love you. They did not think anything at all of you. When caught, so many tend to want to stay married to the wife/husband they cheated on. I find hearing my CS say, "I love you" as the most dishonest, sad joke that he could ever come up with. Almost as bad as, "We can renew our vows if you want." Why would I want to do that?! It was him that broke the vows. I won't be making that mistake twice. It's insulting to even think about.
> 
> Do you find when your CS says "I love you" you no longer believe it? I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. When he says, "I love you," to me that is the biggest lie of all. It makes me want to cry instead of being something good. I don't believe it. I don't respond to it. I feel like a duped chump all over again everytime he says it if he thinks I'm buying it at all. I'm not.


I believe/d her. God help me, but I do...


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I believe/d her. God help me, but I do...


Matt, you and I share the pain of a WW who had a pa. I wonder if the love mine professed was in her mind when they were in bed. Don't you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Brokenshadow said:


> Matt, you and I share the pain of a WW who had a pa. I wonder if the love mine professed was in her mind when they were in bed. Don't you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think it was in her conscious mind. It was a shadow in the far reaches of her mind. It was a security blanket that anchored her as she had her 'passion' fulfilled with someone else. And she loves that security blanket and the man who provides it. She just doesn't have what she considers 'passion' with that man.

What she doesn't understand, in my opinion, it that real depth of love, real giving of the heart, is itself the passion. That is what the great writers talk about. That is true love. Hurting when the one you love hurts. Dying inside when faced with grief. Honoring your love's commitment. This is passion. Not just the physical act of sex and attraction. Passion is the husband who sits by his dying wife's bed and feels her love and pain. Passion is wanting to share the good and the bad. Passion is compassion and kindness and empathy for the person who is supposed to be your better half.

To love passionately is to give of yourself, not just physically and sexually, but truly of the heart. To feel deeply. To care deeply. To be honest in that caring.

(Stream of consciousness over...)


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Oregon Rose said:


> I'm just curious as to how you handle it when your CS says, "I love you. I want to be with you. The affair was just a mistake." For me, our marriage is a dead issue. The only real issue for me is biding my time to better myself skills/job wise so I can leave and be financially secure on my own. After they cheat, you tend to realize that they did not love you. They did not think anything at all of you. When caught, so many tend to want to stay married to the wife/husband they cheated on. I find hearing my CS say, "I love you" as the most dishonest, sad joke that he could ever come up with. *Almost as bad as, "We can renew our vows if you want." Why would I want to do that?! It was him that broke the vows. I won't be making that mistake twice. It's insulting to even think about. *
> 
> Do you find when your CS says "I love you" you no longer believe it? I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. When he says, "I love you," to me that is the biggest lie of all. It makes me want to cry instead of being something good. I don't believe it. I don't respond to it. I feel like a duped chump all over again everytime he says it if he thinks I'm buying it at all. I'm not.


Agree with all of the above. Mine even went as far as to buy me a new wedding band and "propose" again. I said no, and told him to return the ring. Heck I don't even wear my wedding set now and have taken his ring away too. What's the point? he would wear his ring to work, then engage in his affairs, so obviously the symbolism of the ring meant nothing to him. LOL He even says he wore his ring at the strip club. Great. Because the message you give out is "My wife and home life sucks". 

True story - one morning on the local radio station, they were discussing the "Is going to strip clubs cheating?" question on the air. Most folks said yes, but then a stripper calls and basically says "Well, if women would keep their men happy at home, they wouldn't come to us." So, once again, it MUST be the wife who is to blame 

I'm with you. You don't to that to someone you love. Heck, I fell out of love with my stbx/wh a while ago, TOLD HIM SO, but I STILL NEVER CHEATED ON HIM! 

I think that is what is so infurating. Whatever I failed him in/at, he failed me on just as many, if not MORE levels, and yet HE has the audacity to cheat on ME?

Never ceases to amaze me.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I don't think it was in her conscious mind. It was a shadow in the far reaches of her mind. It was a security blanket that anchored her as she had her 'passion' fulfilled with someone else. And she loves that security blanket and the man who provides it. She just doesn't have what she considers 'passion' with that man.
> 
> What she doesn't understand, in my opinion, it that real depth of love, real giving of the heart, is itself the passion. That is what the great writers talk about. That is true love. Hurting when the one you love hurts. Dying inside when faced with grief. Honoring your love's commitment. This is passion. Not just the physical act of sex and attraction. Passion is the husband who sits by his dying wife's bed and feels her love and pain. Passion is wanting to share the good and the bad. Passion is compassion and kindness and empathy for the person who is supposed to be your better half.
> 
> ...


I suppose so, but I find it incongruent that a spouse could feel that sort of love as they took their clothes off for another. This sort of disconnect causes me to wonder if I'm a fool for believing her now when she says she loves me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think that's my point, Broken. She doesn't feel that kind of love. The love she professes is not that kind of love.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Oregon Rose, 

I think EXACTLY like you. Lip service at its finest. It IS a slap in the face and disrespectful to me but it doesn't hurt me. It just makes him look like more of an idiot in my eyes. 

I had the pizza guy on the phone accidentally say he loved me before I hung up the phone after placing an order. We laughed but sometimes they are just words easily thrown around with sometimes meaning and sometimes not.


My husband: I love you = I can't wait to be screwing someone else soon! Oh, and hahaha, our whole life of 22 years together has been a big lie. Thanks for working your a** off while I got to screw around and spend tons of money. THANKS HONEY. 

Of COURSE he loves me.

We still live together too but the process has been started.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Its probable that a lot of ws just want to work it out so there lives arent disturbed. 

When i hear i love you it almost sounds like a tease or joke. It doesnt feel genuine. I think they love you in their own way. To me that means its vague and fuzzy, fading in and out like the tide
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Oregon Rose said:


> I'm just curious as to how you handle it when your CS says, "I love you. I want to be with you. The affair was just a mistake." For me, our marriage is a dead issue. The only real issue for me is biding my time to better myself skills/job wise so I can leave and be financially secure on my own. After they cheat, you tend to realize that they did not love you. They did not think anything at all of you. When caught, so many tend to want to stay married to the wife/husband they cheated on. I find hearing my CS say, "I love you" as the most dishonest, sad joke that he could ever come up with. Almost as bad as, "We can renew our vows if you want." Why would I want to do that?! It was him that broke the vows. I won't be making that mistake twice. It's insulting to even think about.
> 
> Do you find when your CS says "I love you" you no longer believe it? I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. When he says, "I love you," to me that is the biggest lie of all. It makes me want to cry instead of being something good. I don't believe it. I don't respond to it. I feel like a duped chump all over again everytime he says it if he thinks I'm buying it at all. I'm not.


I've been on both sides and I still don't understand how they can say it. When I had a brief EA five years ago I had fallen out of love with my husband. I still loved him as a person but I did not feel romantic love towards him. We were living like roommates and I felt a lot of resentment. I ended my EA and we worked on our marriage. it was good for about 6 months and things went back to normal. Two and a half months ago I found out my husband was having an EA with a girl that works for him. I was devastated but in many ways I deserved it. When I asked him how he could say he still loved me when he betrayed me and hurt me so badly, he said he's never stopped loving me and he just made mistake. Then he asked me the same question and I know my answer hurt to hear but I told him I don't feel like I did love him at the time.


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