# Having Regrets



## newbea (Oct 19, 2008)

Hi Everyone, this is my first thread and was just hoping for some advice.Sorry that it is soo long....
My husband and I mutually decided to separate after 10 years of marriage. We have two daughters, one is 4 the other 1. We have had problems for a while now but never really argued much just really seemed to take on more so we didn't have to think about the problems. One of the major problems was our sex life or lack of. He was always up for it and I just wasn't interested. I love him and find him attractive but I think that I may have issues with sex after my father treated my mother very badly. I think this may have caused me to associate sex with being dirty or bad. 

So to paint a picture for you. When our 4 year old was born she was quite ill and underwent a few operations this continued for about 3 years which meant that I really never slept and she screamed all the time. I ended up moving into the spare bedroom and to this day she sleeps with me. Thank goodness she is healthy now. Anyway when I found out I was pregnant with our youngest a very close and trusted friend told me that her partner had been told by my husband that he was not happy that I was pregnant because that meant that he was trapped and he was planning on leaving. As you can imagine this hurt me a great deal and certainly didn't help our sex life. 
So about 6 weeks ago we both sat down and decided mutually the best thing to do was to separate as I don't know how to fix the problem I have with Sex. I have now moved out with the kids and am having second thoughts. Through the separation my husband has been wonderful. We have agreed on everything financially and emotionally, and I have gained a great deal more respect for him. I recently told him that I was having second thoughts and how was he feeling about it. He told me that he loved me very much and couldn't ask for a better mother for his children but that he doesn't think that he loves me the same as when we met, but that as i was his best friend as well as his wife it is very hard to let go. I have taken this to mean that he wants to move on. I have taken steps to sort out the sexual issues so I can have a normal love life with whoever I am with.
I am finding it very difficult though becuase I still love him and enjoy spending time with him and find that when he comes to visit the kids he is still quite flirty and sometimes he speaks as though he is regretting it and others he doesn't. Sometimes I feel like he is keeping his options open with me but enjoying single life. He sees the kids regularly and obviously it is hard to spend time with a 1 year old that is breastfeed, but rather than take the older one out he comes to my house and visits here. He also wants to be invited to my family gatherings and I don't know why. Any advice????


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Well, I have to give him credit, he does see his kids and tries to stay in their life, which is a good thing. If he wanted out to see if he can get anyone better, he might still be looking when he is 60. 
Hun, what is wrong with the sex? Do you not give yourself competely to him? Just not into it.. and just have this I can't wait until it is over look on your face when you are making it? Just don't want it? Does he make you feel dirty when making love..therfore you think this way about sex? Or is it just how you feel about another person's relationship that you think sex is dirty and bad? It isn't dirty or bad, hun. Some people choose to make it that way, and if your husband was gentle, loving, and caring while making it with you, than don't feel this way, hun. Don't ever judge your realtionship by what happens in another person's relationship, hun. Although it hurt you to see this happen to someone you love, you can't stop your life and love based on someone else's bad sex life. He loves you, honey, and he wanted to show you this so many times. If he wasn't bad to you in any way (good husband and father), what you did pushed him away. He does not want a room mate, hun, he wanted a wife to love and to make love to.


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## charlieo (Oct 20, 2008)

newbea, it's hard to change your wiring about sex and it sounds like you two may have ignored the problem. I am looking in the mirror when I say this. The past is the past - if you want him back, tell him and get some help working out your issues. It's easy to find someone to have sex with. It's more difficult to find a friend who you can also consider a lover.


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## newbea (Oct 19, 2008)

Honey and Charlieo,
Thanks for the great advice. It really does help. I have made an appointment with a psychologist and I am going to find out what they think the problem is. I am not doing it to get back with my husband, I am doing it for myself. I need to be the best possible mother I can be for my kids. I also want to be happy whether it be with my ex or someone else so this is a new beginning. I am still finding things very difficult and anticipate that it will get worse before it get better but who knows what the future holds...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Good for you, it is likely sex may be an issue in whatever relationship you find yourself in if you view it as dirty. A healthy and caring sex life between two people is a wonderful thing. Don’t deny yourself that joy.


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## charlieo (Oct 20, 2008)

Hi newbea,
sounds like you are on the right path. It's great that you are focusing on what will make you happy. That will certainly make a difference for everyone you care about in your life. "Put your oxygen mask on first and then you are able to help others put theirs on."


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