# HUSBAND WONT LOOK FOR WORK



## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

My husband of 8 years has always worked, after 30 years he lost his job as they closed. 
He refuses to look for a job, its been 5 months. He says he is tired of the type of job that
its physical and his knees and he hates going up ladders because he is too old. 
He is a maintenance mechanic and very skilled, he is 57 years old. He sees no urgency 
to work and has not looked for a job.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrs brady said:


> My husband of 8 years has always worked, after 30 years he lost his job as they closed.
> He refuses to look for a job, its been 5 months. He says he is tired of the type of job that
> its physical and his knees and he hates going up ladders because he is too old.
> He is a maintenance mechanic and very skilled, he is 57 years old. He sees no urgency
> to work and has not looked for a job.


Do you have a job?

Does he bring in any income at all right now? Unemployment maybe?

Could he get a job as a supervisor or manager in the same field? That way the younger guys can go up the ladder.

I'm sure that with the shutdown it would be hard to get a job right now, but in the next few weeks things are opening back up.

Does he have a good resume? 

Just tell him.. both A & B him that finding a fulltime job is his job right now... and he has to do it full time or you will need to rethink this relationship. Sometimes a guy just needs a kick in the behind.


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have a job?
> 
> Does he bring in any income at all right now? Unemployment maybe?
> 
> ...


Yes I am working, he has unemployment. it mentioned covid as an excuse. I told him you need to start looking. He has a great resume that I made him. Great idea about management, I told him that he said he needed a degree for that and wanted to go to school. He does not have an education beyond high school so that would take a long time. He was making 6 figures, its really hard on us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrs brady said:


> Yes I am working, he has unemployment. it mentioned covid as an excuse. I told him you need to start looking. He has a great resume that I made him. Great idea about management, I told him that he said he needed a degree for that and wanted to go to school. He does not have an education beyond high school so that would take a long time. He was making 6 figures, its really hard on us.


I did a search for jobs as a maintenance mechanic supervisor or foreman. I looked through several of them and not one required education beyond high school. They required experience. 

If I were you I'd do the search and find jobs that he could apply for and print them out, and email the links to him.

Does he know that you are thinking of leaving?


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> I did a search for jobs as a maintenance mechanic supervisor or foreman. I looked through several of them and not one required education beyond high school. They required experience.
> 
> If I were you I'd do the search and find jobs that he could apply for and print them out, and email the links to him.
> 
> Does he know that you are thinking of leaving?


Perfect , I will. Yes, When I told him he says nothing. When I spoke with him about his behavior and explained my feelings he told me I am mean to him. He heres me. He is already back to normal Husband A. I will print out jobs for him. Should I just apply for him? Is that wrong for me to do that. I do not want to enable him


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

mrs brady said:


> My husband of 8 years has always worked, after 30 years he lost his job as they closed.
> He refuses to look for a job, its been 5 months. He says he is tired of the type of job that
> its physical and his knees and he hates going up ladders because he is too old.
> He is a maintenance mechanic and very skilled, he is 57 years old. He sees no urgency
> to work and has not looked for a job.


If it is getting to be physically to much then he should look for a job that is less physical. I'm 54, I don't recover physically for work like I did in my younger years.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

mrs brady said:


> he said he needed a degree for that


He is making assumptions, not tests. A person who worked in the maintenance field hands-on for 30 years is a highly-valuable asset as a team leader, whether in a corporate management role, or not. Many companies routinely waive their formal-education requirements to get high-quality people.

He should contact people he formerly worked with, who know his capabilities. They will care less about his education and more about his ability to get the job done.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

mrs brady said:


> I will print out jobs for him. Should I just apply for him?


Neither. He needs to take the lead. I understand he doesn't want to climb ladders and wreck his knees anymore. I had to stop doing lots of things in my later-50s that I formerly did easily.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrs brady said:


> Perfect , I will. Yes, When I told him he says nothing. When I spoke with him about his behavior and explained my feelings he told me I am mean to him. He heres me. He is already back to normal Husband A. I will print out jobs for him. Should I just apply for him? Is that wrong for me to do that. I do not want to enable him


I think that printing out a few job posting to call his bluff on his claim that he would need a college degree is ok. 

But do not apply for jobs for him. He needs to take the initiative on this. You can offer to help him. But this is his responsibility. If he will not job hunt, leaving him makes sense. He will have to find a job if he does not have you to help support him financially.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You dont work, you dont eat. That's an old rule that's stood the test of time.

There are exceptions of course, but he dont sound like he's got any of them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, don’t apply for him. And don’t tell him you’ll leave unless you plan to follow through if he doesn’t find a job. Otherwise, it’s an empty threat. I‘m sure at his age a lifetime of physical labor has taken a toll. That’s why you don’t usually see older men doing jobs more suited for younger men. Does he have an idea of what he wants to do (besides retire early)?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear you've been impacted by this. And, yes he should be looking for work.

I would caution that you need to have realistic income expectations going forward. Six figures is really good for a maintenance mechanic and that might be tough to do even with a good economy. Now, a faltering economy and his inability to do the same work adds to the challenge. You need to consider whether lifestyle adjustments are needed. He is in his late 50s and not that far from retirement. Do you have a plan for that?

And that gets to my next point... without getting too into the details, I'm concerned about you saying his unemployment has been very hard on you. He was making six figures (and COVID unemployment is good money) and presumably you're working still. Why are you sweating money after only five months? This isn't meant to be a judgment. But looking at my situation as a single parent who pays for everything, I wouldn't be stressed after six months.

Make sure that any jobs he takes are worth his while, and resist the urge to have him get anything just to get out of the house. A close relative was in a similar situation (also a mechanic, also making good money). During the last recession he was laid off. Nobody wanted to invest in good help. In fact, the offers were so low that he made more in retirement (union jobs meant decent pensions). It literally would have cost him money to work (pensions often come with stipulations that restrict / prevent you from working and collecting benefits).


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

Thank you, I am worried because he is not looking and the UI will run out. He is being unrealistic and thinks everything is stable and so he just loafs. He is comfortable and complaisant. Tomorrow will come, he has been so darn lucky! I make excellent money and he had severance pay that has now ran out, soon UI will run out. I encouraged him to look for work months ago so we could use the severance as savings or to do something nice. We actually owe back taxes and could of paid that as well. But no he sat and let it run out. Now UI will end in another couple months then what?

He is actually being offered a job from a friend who now manages another local company it actually pays more money then he made before. He is hesitant. I keep asking about it and he doesn't say a thing. I know he does not want to work he is lazy. That is whats bothering me the most. No drive or determination, I started and run my own company we are mismatched. Were not a good team. I am thrifty and he just waste money. He has a retirement 401k that has lost 20k in this Covid crisis it will probably come back when things get better but bottom line he is too young to retire. 57. He sleeps until noon has a fancy breakfast and sits on the couch all day until I make him dinner, Then he goes to bed early. 

Poor thing. I am loosing respect, I work 19 hours a day, we have a pool and I can not even stop to go in it. Its so irritating, I am constantly worried because I take care of all the bills as well. Its a parental relationship at best. My first husband turned into that too. Its why I divorced him. My ex lost his job early and sat too. He is never worked again and retired early sits all day no life. I think thats whats bothering me, I have PTSD I have been through this before. They start out as hard workers, I am an overachiever and turn into mommy, they get lazy and bam here we are again!!!!!!!!!! I told my husband about that, I told him I will divorce him if he turns into that. At this point I have told him again, get a job or were moving I am done. Now we have covid. I am on hold for action. lol Hopefully he takes the new job offer .


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

It seems he's tired, depressed, or going through a midlife crisis maybe? 

Did he like his last job? 

I've seen men getting in a funk after losing a job. It's like their job holds their value and their manliness. 

I understand, it's scary to start over after 30 years at the same place. I think my husband would get the same way if he lost his job. 

Does he have close friends or family he can talk to? 

I would encourage him to do something for himself first. Finding a hobby or exercising. 

I understand financial stability is important. But if you can support both of you until he gets better mentally it could be better for your marriage and your finances. 

Ask him what he needs to get back on his feet. Is he planning on retiring? Does he want a part time job? Ask him what he needs. 

I think he's depressed and doesn't know what to do next. He might be scared of starting over in a new and unfamiliar environment. 

For better or worse. What's more important for you?


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

True he is depressed, he loved his last job but complained about the wear on his body. He is not in good health, his own doing and lacks motivation. 
He wants to sit. No friends or family. Wont do anything but play games on his phone, watch tv and smoke cigars. Wont exercise. I walk every day he
refuses. He is banking on living off me. Even told me that. I asked him what he needs he said nothing, he has no plan. Retirement is not an option. He 
has a teen ready for college who needs money. She has come to him asking for his support and he says I dont have any money sorry. He doesnt care.
He refuses to look for any work. Yes he is scared so its easier to sit loaf and have ZERO expectations out of life. 
Better or Worse Richer or Poorer doesnt mean a noose on my neck like my last husband. He lost his job and told me he would do the dishes. 
Its important to me to live life to the fullest, I want a partner to thrive with. I have a feeling this may be the end of the road for us. I have a plan if he 
does not stand up and be a man. I wont live like this much longer.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

mrs brady said:


> True he is depressed, he loved his last job but complained about the wear on his body. He is not in good health, his own doing and lacks motivation.
> He wants to sit. No friends or family. Wont do anything but play games on his phone, watch tv and smoke cigars. Wont exercise. I walk every day he
> refuses. He is banking on living off me. Even told me that. I asked him what he needs he said nothing, he has no plan. Retirement is not an option. He
> has a teen ready for college who needs money. She has come to him asking for his support and he says I dont have any money sorry. He doesnt care.
> ...


If he loved his last job then he's most likely very depressed. He needs help getting out of that depression. If I were you, I would try my best to get him the help he needs to get him back on his feet. If after getting him help he doesn't get better then you can decide to leave him. 

It's not healthy to compare your previous husband to your present husband. They are different people and they need to be treated differently. 

That's what I would do. But if you are done then divorce him and your problem is solved.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Okay...

I second the other posters who commented on your husband maybe having depression. You can't assume that he simply is lazy. 

That being said, there are a ton of other issues you must navigate here - time bombs set to go off in the next few years. You need to work on the wider financial issues that are being ignored here.

How are you guys set up for retirement? He's 57, which is not quite retirement age. It is really close though; you can deduct from a 401(k) at 59 1/2 and take Social Security at 62. If you only lost $20k in your 401(k) there's not too much in it or it's not invested for growth. Are there any pensions out there or is he planning go with just Social Security and whatever little bit he saved away?

Also, are your expectations for finances realistic? I'm concerned that you make excellent money (presumably means more than your H's six figures) yet are behind in your taxes? That might be a signal that you are letting lifestyle wants run the show, or that your business isn't generating less cash than expected.

At the end of the day you guys need to be on the same financial page. It's not okay for your H to ignore finances and let you do everything. On the other hand, not everyone wants to always work. If he was responsible, it would be reasonable for him to retire in a few years. Would you be okay with this or resent that he's not continuing to strive?

You want to work hard and make great money; that's fine but not everyone's cup of tea. Not everyone can work that long (especially with physical labor). Some people want more freedom with their time. I make six figures (but granted with great benefits). I'm nowhere near lazy, but when I'm close to 60, my next big career or business move is not going to be a high priority. I would not be happy making that good an income and have someone making me feel like I was inadequate because it could be more (and it could always be more).



mrs brady said:


> Thank you, I am worried because he is not looking and the UI will run out. He is being unrealistic and thinks everything is stable and so he just loafs. He is comfortable and complaisant. Tomorrow will come, he has been so darn lucky! I make excellent money and he had severance pay that has now ran out, soon UI will run out. I encouraged him to look for work months ago so we could use the severance as savings or to do something nice. We actually owe back taxes and could of paid that as well. But no he sat and let it run out. Now UI will end in another couple months then what?
> He is actually being offered a job from a friend who now manages another local company it actually pays more money then he made before. He is hesitant. I keep asking about it and he doesn't say a thing. I know he does not want to work he is lazy. That is whats bothering me the most. No drive or determination, I started and run my own company we are mismatched. Were not a good team. I am thrifty and he just waste money. He has a retirement 401k that has lost 20k in this Covid crisis it will probably come back when things get better but bottom line he is too young to retire. 57. He sleeps until noon has a fancy breakfast and sits on the couch all day until I make him dinner, Then he goes to bed early. Poor thing. I am loosing respect, I work 19 hours a day, we have a pool and I can not even stop to go in it. Its so irritating, I am constantly worried because I take care of all the bills as well. Its a parental relationship at best. My first husband turned into that too. Its why I divorced him. My ex lost his job early and sat too. He is never worked again and retired early sits all day no life. I think thats whats bothering me, I have PTSD I have been through this before. They start out as hard workers, I am an overachiever and turn into mommy, they get lazy and bam here we are again!!!!!!!!!! I told my husband about that, I told him I will divorce him if he turns into that. At this point I have told him again, get a job or were moving I am done. Now we have covid. I am on hold for action. lol Hopefully he takes the new job offer .


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

I'd tell him you want to talk to a psychologist who does marriage counseling. The psychologist will see if he's depressed or has something similar happening. Understand that if he is dealing with a psychological setback, he'll probably need time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrs brady said:


> Thank you, I am worried because he is not looking and the UI will run out. He is being unrealistic and thinks everything is stable and so he just loafs. He is comfortable and complaisant. Tomorrow will come, he has been so darn lucky! I make excellent money and he had severance pay that has now ran out, soon UI will run out. I encouraged him to look for work months ago so we could use the severance as savings or to do something nice. We actually owe back taxes and could of paid that as well. But no he sat and let it run out. Now UI will end in another couple months then what?
> 
> He is actually being offered a job from a friend who now manages another local company it actually pays more money then he made before. He is hesitant. I keep asking about it and he doesn't say a thing. I know he does not want to work he is lazy. That is whats bothering me the most. No drive or determination, I started and run my own company we are mismatched. Were not a good team. I am thrifty and he just waste money. He has a retirement 401k that has lost 20k in this Covid crisis it will probably come back when things get better but bottom line he is too young to retire. 57. He sleeps until noon has a fancy breakfast and sits on the couch all day until I make him dinner, Then he goes to bed early.
> 
> Poor thing. I am loosing respect, I work 19 hours a day, we have a pool and I can not even stop to go in it. Its so irritating, I am constantly worried because I take care of all the bills as well. Its a parental relationship at best. My first husband turned into that too. Its why I divorced him. My ex lost his job early and sat too. He is never worked again and retired early sits all day no life. I think thats whats bothering me, I have PTSD I have been through this before. They start out as hard workers, I am an overachiever and turn into mommy, they get lazy and bam here we are again!!!!!!!!!! I told my husband about that, I told him I will divorce him if he turns into that. At this point I have told him again, get a job or were moving I am done. Now we have covid. I am on hold for action. lol Hopefully he takes the new job offer .


I get how you feel about this. I had it happen to me twice, with 2 different husbands.

Is your ex working now that you are not supporting him?

Even with COVID-19 going on, you do end the relationship if you need to. He can still take the job and get a place. Or you can move out. I don't know, do you own the home you live in?

Places are still open where you can rent a house or apartment. He can start a new job. The pandemic is going to be an issue at least through the election as it's being used as a political tool now. It might go on longer. You cannot put your life on hold that long. And the longer you wait, the more entrenched he will become in his new lazy lifestyle. He friend might withdraw the job offer as well.

You also might want to stop doing anything you are doing for him... or as much as possible. For example, you say that you cook him dinner. Stop cooking him dinner. Cook for yourself. Let him get off his duff and feed himself. Are you going is laundry? If so, stop doing it. He's figure out how to run the washer when he has no clean clothing. You are making all this way too easy for him. (I know, it's easy to do. I did that too for far too long.)

He's lucky to have a job offer right now. Does the friend's business still have people working? One of my brothers is a construction manager. His crews and he are still working as they are considered essential workers. They are careful, social distance, etc. But they are still working.

My suggestion is that you tell him that you refuse to support a healthy man who can work. He has to take the job. He can always look for another one while he's working that one. But he has to get off his duff.

Does he have any relatives that he can move in with right now?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DTO said:


> Okay...
> 
> I second the other posters who commented on your husband maybe having depression. You can't assume that he simply is lazy.


*mrs brady,*

This is a good point. He could see his doctor and if he has depression get on an anti-depressant. When/if he gets a doc appointment make sure you go with him, or are on the call if it's a telemed appointment. Ask the doc about Wellbutrin as an anti-depressant. The reason I suggest it is that it has the effect of energizing a person. Many anti-depressants don't do this.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

None of this behavior tracks with working for 30 years and pulling his weight for the past 8.

I think this has impacted him more than you realize. I know it would be a tremendous blow to my self-esteem.

Tell him you need him to take that job and just put one foot in front of the other - and that you'll work through it together if he does.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

If he's been unemployed for five months, it seems unlikely that it was due to Covid. That has really only been affecting US for 2-3 months. 

Losing a job that you've had for thirty years is a huge adjustment, it's like losing a relationship of thirty years. He probably is depressed and feeling lost. Encourage him and point out his strengths. Communicate and empathize with him. That's not a mommy job, that is a wife job.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I did a search for jobs as a maintenance mechanic supervisor or foreman. I looked through several of them and not one required education beyond high school. They required experience.
> 
> If I were you I'd do the search and find jobs that he could apply for and print them out, and email the links to him.
> 
> Does he know that you are thinking of leaving?


Maybe he could also be an adjunct instructor at the local community college.


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

Violet28 said:


> Losing a job that you've had for thirty years is a huge adjustment, it's like losing a relationship of thirty years. He probably is depressed and feeling lost.


He could also be struggling with a mid-life crisis. Again, I'd suggest he speak with a professional about it.


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

DTO said:


> Okay...
> 
> I second the other posters who commented on your husband maybe having depression. You can't assume that he simply is lazy.
> 
> ...


I am running a small business Corporation so I have many jobs to do, I was making 85k thats good money but without his 120 thats nothing. His 401K is only 140k not enough to retire on. Yes we are not on the same page. The bomb is actually going off because he has been offered a new job and isnt taking it. Sleeps until 11 and has a fancy breakfast and plays phone poker all day while smoking his 20 dollar cigars all day. There are so many things to do around our house, for one thing our huge pool needs attention, I guess I am going to have to get a pool man. We already have a Gardner, and I had to hire a handy man to do a face lift on the front yard. He takes out the trash on Thursdays and now a couple of times during the week I caught him actually doing the dishes. Just this morning we had a huge fight ( sigh ) because I asked him yesterday to take some boxes outside and they were still there today. I had to do it, he said it was my mess. I actually did a post on that today. Not My Mess, My two older kids are here college students that had to return home due to covid. They do most of the cleaning. But he thinks everything is my mess because HE DIDNT DO IT> He said those words. So I said, your not being a partner I need help. I was working in my office and he came to get me to cook something for him. I am full of resentment. He does nothing, I do everything. He is LAZY. I have no problem with him retiring early I am even willing to sell the house and change our life style he isnt. I would love to have a simple life. The reason were behind on our taxes is because last year he slept alot and stayed home from work were talking 3 days a week. He would get drunk and have a hang over and diarrhea ( sorry) and complain of a bad back so he signed up for FMLA he got his job protected and was off 144 days. He literally would wake up for work and hit the alarm saying I dont feel like going to work today. We were in such financially distress we had to cash in his parents IRA and use it for income to not loose our home. Meanwhile yes 17,000 in taxes. That year I was just starting my business and didnt have much of an income but enough to survive. Sad sorry, I wanted to leave then but got diagnosed with cancer and had to have surgery I needed his health insurance and a secure home. We currently have health insurance through my company that I made from scratch that was making good money and now has slowed down due to the epidemic, so I am stuck again I hope things get better soon. The last 17 days have been nice, until today, he woke up moody again and flipped out when I got mad about no help. Yes he drank last night, I am thinking hang over again. Thanks for your insight, tell me what you think


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

Violet28 said:


> If he's been unemployed for five months, it seems unlikely that it was due to Covid. That has really only been affecting US for 2-3 months.
> 
> Losing a job that you've had for thirty years is a huge adjustment, it's like losing a relationship of thirty years. He probably is depressed and feeling lost. Encourage him and point out his strengths. Communicate and empathize with him. That's not a mommy job, that is a wife job.


He has not looked for a job, he has relied on his severance and UI. Yes Covid has nothing to do with it. One of his coworkers got a job early before his company closed and is a Supervisor, he actually handed him a job making more money. He is refusing to take it, makes excuses to many hours he is too old, he needs me to update his resume ( I did and gave it to him). He wants to be a Supervisor so he doenst want it he would just be a worker bee. Its beneath him. This job is being offered on a sliver platter!!!!!!!!!! He didnt even look for it. They knocked on his door and he said NO. LoL . He wants to live off me. I do everything and work I cant even get him to do the dishes.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

That would be pretty cool to have a pool, and a 401 K and . . . .


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

What the heck happened to him? Did he hit a midlife crisis? What do you think happened?

I think it's weird to one day he woke up and didn't want to go to work, start drinking and not cared about making money anymore. If he had been working for 30 years without any problem before, I think something happened and changed his point of view about living. 

People change because they need to change. He's home, he's got a cook, a lawn service and a pool person soon. He won't change if things don't change around him. If everything is available and ready for him, why change? I would start making less things for him. I wouldn't get a pool person and I wouldn't cook for him. Once he sees things have to change then he might change. 

I understand being tired, but abandoning everything around him is very worrisome. I wonder if he's getting sick with depression or even dementia. Get him checked by a doctor and explain the lack of interest and motivation. 

Good luck to you!!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Well he has a job sitting in his lap and he isn’t jumping on that opportunity?

well, file for divorce then. That will send a clear message that you don’t intend to stay when he isn’t doing his part to provide for this union.

seems like he just doesn’t care anymore...no respect for you working hard while he takes a long, easy break.

that kind of disrespect would have me filing ASAP. I’d want a partner not a mooch.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

While I appreciate that he needs to work given the financial situation, I'd argue against just charging in with this attitude. It ignores the possibility that he has emotional / mental issues to resolve.

It also ignores that he seems to be a hard worker historically. He's made significantly more money than her ($120k most recently vs. her $85k) so it's hard to call him lazy. Being from a blue-collar background, I know that job doesn't typically come with a high wage. The money is made with long hours under sometimes difficult conditions.

Here's an example: Looking online,average earnings for a maintenance mechanic (high end) is $50k per year. Let's be REALLY generous and say he makes 50% more than that ($75k per year base). To reach $120k he'd have to work 56 hours a week - the equivalent of 8 hours a day, every day. Calling someone with those work habits lazy is counter-productive, to say the least.

There's also the issue of her burning out her prior husband. I have some experience with this. My XW also made much substantially less money than me yet had that attitude that I was under-performing (not sure how you can say that about someone making double what you do), her lifestyle sucked (house and car not nice enough), and so on. Now I'm not the kind to sit around; so even when I was laid off I strove to build a future. 

But that attitude of demanding a high level of performance (more than you produce yourself) is dangerous. I don't see the OP saying "hey, I get his job is tough and he doesn't need to make six figures going forward..." It sounds like she has goals and expects him to continue to work very hard to meet them. I think a little compromise where she gives up some of what she wants and not expects him to out-perform her might be a good strategy here.



Beach123 said:


> seems like he just doesn’t care anymore...no respect for you working hard while he takes a long, easy break.
> 
> that kind of disrespect would have me filing ASAP. I’d want a partner not a mooch.


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

DTO said:


> While I appreciate that he needs to work given the financial situation, I'd argue against just charging in with this attitude. It ignores the possibility that he has emotional / mental issues to resolve.
> 
> It also ignores that he seems to be a hard worker historically. He's made significantly more money than her ($120k most recently vs. her $85k) so it's hard to call him lazy. Being from a blue-collar background, I know that job doesn't typically come with a high wage. The money is made with long hours under sometimes difficult conditions.
> 
> ...



 Yes he was working 18 hr days really hard. He is Done doesnt want to work. I dont want to retire at 56 and let our world crumble. He doesn't care he wants to be a drunk and watch tv every day. He leaves everything to me. My problem. Were going to divorce I guess too many issues.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

mrs brady said:


> Yes he was working 18 hr days really hard. He is Done doesnt want to work. I dont want to retire at 56 and let our world crumble. He doesn't care he wants to be a drunk and watch tv every day. He leaves everything to me. My problem. Were going to divorce I guess too many issues.


Wow. Your attitude has left me stunned and I can't remember that ever happening. He seems seriously burned out. 18 hour days of likely taxing labor? And you're insisting he suck it up and get back out there?

Let me ask this... What are the terms of the job being offered to him by his friend? Are you expecting him to keep up the same pace and income? Or would you settle for a more-normal 45 hours a week (let's say) and less money, which he can't really enjoy anyways?

What is so important to have that you are willing to see him work 18 hour days and 60 hour weeks? I really suggest you do some introspection since you already had one husband not want to deal with it.

I'm not kidding on that last part. I would blow off any partner who clearly had income and lifestyle at my expense as her goal. In fact, I did just that. The ex got remarried and did the same to a second guy; now she's lonely and barely making it because her lifestyle got ahead of her income. Just a cautionary tale, but one you should heed.


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

He was offered 3 days one week 4days the next 12 he days 36 hrs/ 44 ..the last husband worked 4o hr week and made 37k I am not $ hungry. Just want a partner who works. We have no toys we do not travel. we used to go to dinner and a movie once a week. Whoopie


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrs brady said:


> He was offered 3 days one week 4days the next 12 he days 36 hrs/ 44 ..the last husband worked 4o hr week and made 37k I am not $ hungry. Just want a partner who works. We have no toys we do not travel. we used to go to dinner and a movie once a week. Whoopie


Just to let you know, we get men on there complaining that their wives will not get a job even. Very often they are stay-at-home moms. The men get about the same advice you are getting from most. If the husband does not agree to support her 100% , for him to tell her to get a job or he's going to divorce her. I have never seen anyone accuse a man who wants his wife to get a job of being a gold digger. Not here on TAM.

When you get input on a forum like this one, take what you thing helps you and ignore the rest. As you can see, you will get a wide range of input.

You might want to find an Al Anon chapter near you so that you get some support from others going through the same things you are.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

mrs brady said:


> He was offered 3 days one week 4days the next 12 he days 36 hrs/ 44 ..the last husband worked 4o hr week and made 37k I am not $ hungry. Just want a partner who works. We have no toys we do not travel. we used to go to dinner and a movie once a week. Whoopie


Then yes you need to find out what's going on with him. A 40 hour week (avg.) is a reasonable expectation to have, provided the work is not outside his skill set (which I'm guessing it's not since his friend offered it to him).


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Just to let you know, we get men on there complaining that their wives will not get a job even. Very often they are stay-at-home moms. The men get about the same advice you are getting from most. If the husband does not agree to support her 100% , for him to tell her to get a job or he's going to divorce her. I have never seen anyone accuse a man who wants his wife to get a job of being a gold digger. Not here on TAM.
> 
> When you get input on a forum like this one, take what you thing helps you and ignore the rest. As you can see, you will get a wide range of input.
> 
> You might want to find an Al Anon chapter near you so that you get some support from others going through the same things you are.


Completely agree. I certainly wouldn't accuse the OP of being a gold digger because she's working hard herself it would seem. That being said, my main aim was to have her consider the possibility of mental illness (still a possibility) and to caution against expecting him to continue to substantially out-earn her.

That last one happens quite a bit - more than I would have thought. I have many lady relatives, friends, and acquaintances that expect the man to be the primary breadwinner. Some go beyond that and expect to not work at all (or to work without contributing to the household) - even those with grown kids. Some expect the guy to not only be the primary breadwinner but to earn very well and provide generously for her - that's the minimum expectation.

And the above is fine if the guy agrees to it. But insisting that a man produce more than she does herself (especially later in life without kids around) can lead to resentment and a "screw you" attitude that looks a lot like the way a lady might act if a guy said "you're going to service me whether you like it or not." That's what I was trying (although rather poorly at times) to explain.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Marduk said:


> None of this behavior tracks with working for 30 years and pulling his weight for the past 8.
> 
> I think this has impacted him more than you realize. I know it would be a tremendous blow to my self-esteem.
> 
> Tell him you need him to take that job and just put one foot in front of the other - and that you'll work through it together if he does.


Yes. This job probably pays much less than the old one and that might be a factor here as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DTO said:


> Completely agree. I certainly wouldn't accuse the OP of being a gold digger because she's working hard herself it would seem. That being said, my main aim was to have her consider the possibility of mental illness (still a possibility) and to caution against expecting him to continue to substantially out-earn her.
> 
> That last one happens quite a bit - more than I would have thought. I have many lady relatives, friends, and acquaintances that expect the man to be the primary breadwinner. Some go beyond that and expect to not work at all (or to work without contributing to the household) - even those with grown kids. Some expect the guy to not only be the primary breadwinner but to earn very well and provide generously for her - that's the minimum expectation.
> 
> And the above is fine if the guy agrees to it. But insisting that a man produce more than she does herself (especially later in life without kids around) can lead to resentment and a "screw you" attitude that looks a lot like the way a lady might act if a guy said "you're going to service me whether you like it or not." That's what I was trying (although rather poorly at times) to explain.


For at least the last 5 months she is working 2 jobs, does just about everything around the house, cooking, keeping up their property. He's hanging around, drinking and demanding that she stop working her job to cook for him. There is more but that's what I recall off the to

What other women do or do not do means nothing here.

She cannot continue to finance the life style that they have built together. She's in a panic financially. Something has to give.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> For at least the last 5 months she is working 2 jobs, does just about everything around the house, cooking, keeping up their property. He's hanging around, drinking and demanding that she stop working her job to cook for him. There is more but that's what I recall off the to
> 
> What other women do or do not do means nothing here.
> 
> She cannot continue to finance the life style that they have built together. She's in a panic financially. Something has to give.


I certainly agree with the above. And I've said before he does need to work. It does seem he hasn't put away much of what he made and can't afford to do nothing.

My thoughts were that if she needed him to find another $100k job (which doesn't seem to be the case now) - that would be a problematic attitude. I am a hard-working and generous dude; I am happy to do the heavy lifting in a relationship (and generally have). But if someone were to tell me that I had to keep on at the same old level despite what's going on in the world, especially where I've been doing the heavy lifting, I'd simply not put up with it.


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

Fast forward now it's been 2 months, he didn't take that job. He acted like they never called him again. I believe he did not want to work 12 hr shifts 3 days a week, His severance is done, he has one more UI check. My business is not doing well. I got a job. I ask him daily have you been looking for jobs. Look for jobs. He applied for one printed out the app copy and slammed it down on my desk and said here you go. I have seen a paper with a couple of job detail notes but he really is just trying to appease me. He did a load of Laundry and has made dinner and then complains he has to do the dishes.
My latest plan get divorce papers lay them on the table and say you have 60 days to be employed or I am filing. Do you think that's good or should I file and say I will stop the proceedings if you get a job before it goes through. I am done 
Advise


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

mrs brady said:


> Fast forward now it's been 2 months, he didn't take that job. He acted like they never called him again. I believe he did not want to work 12 hr shifts 3 days a week, His severance is done, he has one more UI check. My business is not doing well. I got a job. I ask him daily have you been looking for jobs. Look for jobs. He applied for one printed out the app copy and slammed it down on my desk and said here you go. I have seen a paper with a couple of job detail notes but he really is just trying to appease me. He did a load of Laundry and has made dinner and then complains he has to do the dishes.
> My latest plan get divorce papers lay them on the table and say you have 60 days to be employed or I am filing. Do you think that's good or should I file and say I will stop the proceedings if you get a job before it goes through. I am done
> Advise


I don't think you should wait 60 days or 6 days. 

You cannot afford to take care of a dead beat. 

The time for him to get real is past.

You need to get out...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrs brady said:


> Fast forward now it's been 2 months, he didn't take that job. He acted like they never called him again. I believe he did not want to work 12 hr shifts 3 days a week, His severance is done, he has one more UI check. My business is not doing well. I got a job. I ask him daily have you been looking for jobs. Look for jobs. He applied for one printed out the app copy and slammed it down on my desk and said here you go. I have seen a paper with a couple of job detail notes but he really is just trying to appease me. He did a load of Laundry and has made dinner and then complains he has to do the dishes.


I would think that 12 hour sifts, 3 days a week would be great. 36 hour week week with a 4 day weekend.

That's not good. Sounds like he's developed an in-your-face attitude about job hunting.. doing just enough so he can claim he's job hunting, but insuring that he will not get a job.



mrs brady said:


> My latest plan get divorce papers lay them on the table and say you have 60 days to be employed or I am filing. Do you think that's good or should I file and say I will stop the proceedings if you get a job before it goes through. I am done
> Advise


I think you want to be very careful that he does not file for divorce first because he can go after you for alimony.

You probably should talk to an attorney first and find out how to approach this to protect you from him ending up with permanent alimony. In some states, like California, if a couple is married less than10 years, alimony is for 50% of the length of the marriage. From 10 years on, alimony can be lifetime. There are two things that your lawyer can do to mitigate that. 

One is for your lawyer to ask the court to impute his income based on his earning capacity (i.e. what they are capable of earning under the given circumstances) even though he's not working or is underemployed at this time.

The other thing is that you can have a clause put in the final divorce settlement, if you end up having to pay him alimony, that states that he has to become self supporting within a reasonable amount of time. There is a clause that is typically used for this, I just do not recall the name of the cause right now.

Another consideration is that if the court imputes his income to 100,000+ he could end up owing you alimony.

As I was writing this, something came to mind. Maybe your husband wants a divorce. He's certainly not acting like he wants to stay married to you. It's fairly common for men who earn more to stop working, or get a job that earns a lot less, in an attempt to avoid paying things like alimony and child support. Maybe he's just waiting for you to file while he sits there looking like he can no longer earn an income.

If you have any proof that he was offered the job for 12 hour shifts, 3 days a week, you need to keep it in a safe place. It could end up being very important.

I think you need to talk to a lawyer and get a strategy planned out. If the lawyer suggests that you take steps to put yourself in a better position should you divorce, then you do that. If the lawyer suggests that you file, with the idea that if your husband actually gets a job, then you do that.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'd just file. Why should you spend the rest of your time fighting him about getting a job. THen it will be keeping a job. Then it will be about retirement. He obviously doesn't value the partnership part of the partnership.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Actually I take it back. File tell him you'll stop if he gets a decent job. Wait for said job and then keep divorcing him so you don't pay alimony.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

File for divorce. There is no love here.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> One is for your lawyer to ask the court to impute his income based on his earning capacity (i.e. what they are capable of earning under the given circumstances) even though he's not working or is underemployed at this time.
> 
> Another consideration is that if the court imputes his income to 100,000+ he could end up owing you alimony.
> 
> If you have any proof that he was offered the job for 12 hour shifts, 3 days a week, you need to keep it in a safe place. It could end up being very important.


Agree with the above, particularly with getting any proof of that potential job offer.

This legal issue came up in my divorce (I legitimately could not get a job and had a binder of applications and rejections to prove it). The rule for imputation (at least as of a few years ago) is that the burden will be on you to prove he can do the work and has the opportunity to work for the income you wish to have imputed. So, you probably cannot have $100k in income imputed to him but the terms of most recent job he was offered might stick.

Additionally, I'd advise you to keep track of your job search effort and business troubles. I'd hate to see a situation where you try to impute income to your husband in a divorce settlement and then you have to defend yourself against a similar accusation (driving down your income prior to a likely divorce action) and don't have your ducks in a row.


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