# Married too soon for the wrong reasons.



## hafez (Jun 19, 2012)

Hello everyone,

I have known my wife for about one year, and have been married for 6 months. Please let me explain some things. 

For starters: we are both in our early 20s.

When I had first met my wife's parents, they were totally thrilled to have me in their life. They immediately thought about my wife and I (girlfriend at the time) having kids, starting a family, etc. In fact, my wife says her family cares for me more than for her (or it seems that way).

Her family is very religious. So, me and her moving in prior to marriage, would have basically exiled her from her family, permanently.

With these things going on, it nearly forced me to start imagining a future with a woman I hardly knew. I fell in love with that idealistic dream. 

As time progressed, I realized that we needed to move in, but couldn't. Financially, it was also an intelligent decision to get married (we had a cheap wedding). I share these things with you to explain one thing, my reasons for getting married were: Financial, and because I wanted to make her family proud. I don't know if I ever loved her in the sense of a wife.

The thing is, my wife knows a little bit about this, but she doesn't think that any of these things were the main reason I married her, which they were. My wife and I are miserable now. However, she refuses to admit that we are. She is blindly in love with me, and all we do is argue. Despite this, I am totally unhappy.

I love her as a friend. I want her to be my best friend. But, I don't want this relationship. I feel so bad, I don't even know how to begin confessing this with her. It's burning in my chest to get out, especially as I am longing to be single. I just don't know what to do.

I really don't want to hurt her, but I've never been more miserable. I like nights when we can just hang out and such, but I don't feel romantically involved with her, nor do I want to be. She tries to be affectionate, but it just bothers me, and hurts her. It's not that the honeymoon ever left, it wasn't really ever there. 

I feel terrible confessing all of this, I don't know what to do. I'm so torn up over this. I don't even want a divorce because I don't want that in my history. But, I can't live like this anymore. 

What should I do? Should I tell her these things? I feel so bad, because I don't even want to try to work things out. There is just nothing about her that is my type. I had just recently moved out here, and I needed a friend, and, well, I ended up marrying someone that was only ever intended to be a friend. And I want that relationship back. Help. Please.

Oh, and fortunately, she isn't pregnant, nor do either of us have kids. I just don't want to live with this mistake the rest of my life, or, when I'm older and we've been married longer, to hurt her even more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So there was never a time you felt in-love with her?

Have you met another women who you are interested in?

If you have no intention of working on the marriage, you need to get a divorce and let her go. Do this so she can find someone who loves her.

What you are doing to her is just cruel. Tell her that you made a mistake marrying her. File for divorce. Leave her everything the two of you have aquired and go on with your life.


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## risky (Jun 5, 2012)

I am in your same position. I don't have any feelings for my husband and i want to cut all ties with him. We have ben married for almost 4 years, dated for about 9 months prior to getting married. We have no kids. I am going to break the news to him this week on Friday. I have kept on putting this off for over a year and by doing so i feel as if i am living a lie. And i know that the longer i take the harder it'll be on him. I am leaving him with everything...i just want out. I agree with Elegirl it is cruel to continue to lie to our spouses. To file for a divorce is difficult now but will be the best outcome to the marriages we are in.


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## hafez (Jun 19, 2012)

I don't know if I ever felt in love with her. There was, of course, the honeymoon phase when we first started dating. I really liked her then, but I don't know if I would qualify it as love. It has felt no different than any of my previous long-term dating relationships, and in all of them, I was miserable.

I realize what I am doing is cruel, but I don't want to break her heart. I feel like I want to love her, but knowing myself, I don't think this will be possible. I have an ambivalence of feelings towards "working it out."

That is, I know I won't ever fully have my heart in this. I don't want to risk losing her entirely, either. I consider her one of my best friends.

As far as finding someone else, I just miss being single. I feel like I am meant to be single for a long time, if not forever. Not because I want to go around dating, but because I just seem to be better alone. I seem a lot happier, too. The thing is, in about a years time, I've gone from: 1) Wanting to be single 2) To dating 3) To wanting to stay a "couple" a while before marrying 4) To marrying.

The issue of divorce has come up in our arguments (which is a lot, she has started to debate with me about everything). In each instance she has threatened self-harm. It all seems so unstable, and I fear what she might do if we actually do get divorced.

I am so lost. I've made a wrong decision, and I don't know how to correct it. And if it means a divorce, I don't know how to go about it less-harsher, I have a way with words.


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## arrowhead (Jun 19, 2012)

I think so many of us get married because it's the "logical next step." Especially in our generation where moving in with someone is not longer considered a sin but a smart financial move. Some people just shouldn't be married, and some people just shouldn't have kids. You might be right that being single is just what you should do.


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