# he said "its me or your pet"



## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I am a huge animal lover. I have 2 cats that I am mom to. He hates cats because a) he's kind of a jerk, b) he complains about cat hair nonstop (even though they live outside), c) he's very allergic. So my cats are outdoors for him and he still says I have to get rid of them. I will not. But we have been together on and off for 8 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

At this point, I'd suggest you make the "off" part of your relationship permanent. I'm allergic to cats and dogs. I've owned both. I got allergy shots for about four years. Pretty much fixed my reaction to pet dander. I currently own two purebred Cornish Rex cats, and I would never consider getting rid of them.

Keep the cats. Dump the jerk.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

animal 2011 said:


> I am a huge animal lover. I have 2 cats that I am mom to. He hates cats because a) he's kind of a jerk, b) he complains about cat hair nonstop (even though they live outside), c) he's very allergic. So my cats are outdoors for him and he still says I have to get rid of them. I will not. But we have been together on and off for 8 years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why stay with a cat hating jerk then? What's in it for you?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Find a cat man...they exist .!!!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Well if your relationship with your cats are more important to you than your 8 year relationship with another human being then by all means, do this guy a favor and throw his sorry ass out. After all, what's more important to you?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

He is making you choose, choose wisely.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I just think he's a jerk for making me choose and calling my innocent, sweet cats "rats".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So the bottom line is this: why have a relationship with a jerk?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> Well if your relationship with your cats are more important to you than your 8 year relationship with another human being then by all means, do this guy a favor and throw his sorry ass out. After all, what's more important to you?


She'd be doing herself a favor.

She was a package deal when he showed up on the scene. He's an ass for making sweeping demands on her lifestyle and her choice of pets. Who the f does that? A jerk, that's who.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Now he says he's just teasing me. But I know he doesn't want them because he is very allergic and pcs about cleanliness
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

*ocd about cleanliness
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Just an FYI, people that say obnoxious/mean or hurtful things then follow it up by "I was kidding" aren't really kidding.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> She'd be doing herself a favor.
> 
> She was a package deal when he showed up on the scene. He's an ass for making sweeping demands on her lifestyle and her choice of pets. Who the f does that? A jerk, that's who.


I you say so.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Animals are better people than people. Dump the jerk.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

animal 2011 said:


> *ocd about cleanliness


Okay, so the revised bottom line is this: why have a relationship with an ocd jerk?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

He may be a jerk, but please dont assign jerkiness to him because he hates cats because he is alergic to them. If he really is, thats certainly not his fault.

Its no fun walking around with a freaking alergic reaction all the time.. itchy eyes, sneezing, clogged sinuses. I dont mean itchy.. I mean crazy want to tear your nose off itchy. The fact that they are most of the time outdoors make no difference whatsoever dander and hair - I guarantee it is on every surface in your house.

I dont have allergies (thank god) but I know people that do. This is not his choice. Unless of course, you think a life of never ending misery is a 'choice'. 

If its a deal breaker for you, then it is what it is. If he is a jerk as you state right off the bat - then no great loss. If I was looking forward to full time, lifetime, antihistimines - I would probably ask you to get rid of them too. And not because of 'sweeping demands' but because I couldnt live like that.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Cats jump on my neck like birds...I agree wouldn't hold it against him


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Find a cat man...they exist .!!!


Some might even be heterosexual! But not me. (Um...straight. My cat allergy symptoms include a twitching sensation whenever a cat is in kicking range...)


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Animals are better people than people. Dump the jerk.


You have proven it well enough I can't argue the point.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Just an FYI, people that say obnoxious/mean or hurtful things then follow it up by "I was kidding" aren't really kidding.


:iagree: True. True. True.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> He may be a jerk, but please dont assign jerkiness to him because he hates cats because he is alergic to them. If he really is, thats certainly not his fault.
> 
> Its no fun walking around with a freaking alergic reaction all the time.. itchy eyes, sneezing, clogged sinuses. I dont mean itchy.. I mean crazy want to tear your nose off itchy. The fact that they are most of the time outdoors make no difference whatsoever dander and hair - I guarantee it are on every surface in your house.
> 
> ...


So...the choice the OP is laying on him is 'being with me means constant suffering because something that doesn't even come when I call it is more important than a guy who CHOSE to spend 8 UNCOMFORTABLE years with me...'

Yup...dump him. The cats can take you to dinner, rub your back, have sex with you, have meaningful....oh...wait...no they can't...

HE isn't important to YOU. so keep the cats. Get 10 more...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

The more I read, this should be an easy decision. Cat people unite!


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

This seems a pretty easy call to me: dump the guy, and keep the rats. I mean, cats.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the straw that broke the cats back......move on you guys are just advoiding the end of your relationship.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So, what came first this guy or the cats? 

People are assuming that this guy started dating you knowing you had the cats, but - that may or may not be true.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

animal 2011 said:


> I am a huge animal lover. I have 2 cats that I am mom to. He hates cats because a) he's kind of a jerk, b) he complains about cat hair nonstop (even though they live outside), c) he's very allergic. So my cats are outdoors for him and he still says I have to get rid of them. I will not. But we have been together on and off for 8 years.


I think you're being unreasonable.

Not liking cats doesn't make someone a jerk.

If he's allergic then he's got valid reasons for not being around cats, he's probably coughing, sneezing, eyes red and tearing, maybe he's breaking out in itchy hives, and lets face it lady they're not ALWAYS outside, and once they come INSIDE they track all the allergens inside with them.

Go ahead and make your choice, him or the cats but don't blast the poor guy and make him seem like the bad guy, his requests are not at all unreasonable.

I'd never choose a relatively brainless 4 legged animal over a long term relationship partner but hey that's just me.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

animals are not people.........just had to say it!


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Straight guy with a wife and three cats here...I don't think that it's unreasonable for him to not want to be around cats when he has allergies. He's probably suffering and dealing with problems that he can't control.

If he's being mean to the cats, then, yeah, I'd say that he's a jerk. Otherwise, you really need to figure out if you want this relationship or not. Otherwise, both of you are wasting your time, he is going to continue to be miserable with the cats around, and neither of you will be happy. Might be time to move on...


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

Animal people will always have trouble with non animal people. And vice versa of course. It's a personal decision of course as to what your barrier is. 

If in the future my next ex-wife wants me to dump my dog for them, I wouldn't. My life will always have dogs in it. But anyone I date would know that already.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

HE: Thinks you're being inconsiderate about his opinions and feelings (and allergies) surrounding the cats and ignoring how he feels.

YOU: Think he's being a jerk who doesn't care about what the cats mean to you in life and wants to get rid of them for no good reason.

SOLUTION: It sounds like you're stuck in the cyclic pattern where both of you feel resentment and in turn cause resentment. Put a halt to this by sitting down to talk to each other in a calm, respectful way in which you can discuss your true _feelings_ on the matter. Do NOT discuss what the other person did, or how you feel they're wrong. Talk about how you feel. Tell him how much your cats mean to you and why you have a hard time meeting his needs in this area, and let him know you do care how his wishes and want to hear how he _feels_ on the matter as well.

Take each other's input and find a solution that works for both of you. This issue MUST be reconciled in a positive way for a happy marriage, and this is the only way to do it without causing one person to feel incredibly unhappy and uncared for.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> She'd be doing herself a favor.
> 
> She was a package deal when he showed up on the scene. He's an ass for making sweeping demands on her lifestyle and her choice of pets. Who the f does that? A jerk, that's who.


Oh please!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

As long as you are not ignoring him because of the cats- and you don't, they don't even stay indoors - he's just enforcing his views on you. And that is not ok. You shouldn't be coerced to give up the cats if you're fond of them, just because he dosn't like cats. What's next, he will decide what you eat, what your favorite color to be? Maybe find a cat person to have a relationship with. (As a paranthese, I suggest you watch the movie "The truth about cats and dogs" )


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'd say ignoring someone who has medical symptoms and problems because of the cats is indeed ignoring them because of the cats. 

And the cats stay outdoors, but she never goes outside to see them, to pet them, or to feed them? There's absolutely 0% cat hair or dander being tracked back into the house, right?

I guess if he's always been allergic, and you love cats - how did this relationship manage to last 8 years to begin with? This hasn't come up before? Or is it a recurring fight you keep ignoring? Is it what leads to the on again/off again thing?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

My husband hates my cat too!

He's not allergic to cats & married me with the cat.

The cat stays!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay...the man is approaching this in this way. "I am an important part of your life. I want to make you happy and do things for you. I expect the same consideration so this would make ME happy. I am bolstering this argument by using my medical condition as another reason to do this."

Woman: "I had the cats before, they were a 'pre-existing condition. I love them and how can you possibly ask me to give up something I love?'

Message received by man: He is as valuable (maybe less) than a cat in her mind.

Here is a releveant question: Your outdoor cats grow old and die...or they get hit by a car...whatever. He is allergic. He doesn't like them. Are you going to insist on bringing MORE felines into his life? If you even start to say yes, do you realize exactly what message that is sending to him?




Emerald said:


> My husband hates my cat too!
> 
> He's not allergic to cats & married me with the cat.
> 
> The cat stays!


Same question to you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I treat my pets the same way I treat my children - NO ONE gets in between me and them.

But that's just me, I treat animals like people, in fact, I treat them better than people sometimes. If this was my choice I would break up - no point living with someone who won't allow me to have pets in the house.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Allergies including cat allergies can be cured to my understanding.YES you have to take shots and I think its pretty long term like a couple of years.But if cats are a deal breaker IOW for some people they actually feel they are missing a pretty big part of their enjoyment in life not having cats and /or dogs then that is one solution.Especially when I was younger I would have never gotten serious with anyone who didn't like both cats and dogs and enjoy having them around.In fact its one of the biggest things in common my husband and I had that made us very compatible.And yes my husband is a heterosexual big time.He got me 2 Bangal kittens for our anniversary year before last in fact.

Anyway maybe he would be willing to look into curing his allergies?

Its not really fair in my opinion to say get rid of the cats to prove I'm "more valuable" than they are IMHO.Animals lovers that is part of their core character personality and a passion in their life.And expecially since she already has them.There is a real bond that develops its documented scientifically that happens with many people and their animals.The same chemicals that bond us with our children are at play .Minimizing that and going "they are "just cats" you should get rid of them is insensitive.Especially if the allergies could be treated.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I'm a cat hater myself. But I have accepted them because my wife loves them. 

Maybe this isn't really about cats. Maybe he's just a control freak? Or maybe he's feeling neglected and tired of taking second place to your cats? 

How bad are the allergies? Is this condition really affecting him, making him miserable?

Is he a jerk because he hates your cats or a jerk in general?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Its not really fair in my opinion to say get rid of the cats to prove I'm "more valuable" than they are IMHO.Animals lovers that is part of their core character personality and a passion in their life.And expecially since she already has them.There is a real bond that develops its documented scientifically that happens with many people and their animals.The same chemicals that bond us with our children are at play .Minimizing that and going "they are "just cats" you should get rid of them is insensitive.Especially if the allergies could be treated.


Agree with everything that you said.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I treat my pets the same way I treat my children - NO ONE gets in between me and them.
> 
> But that's just me, I treat animals like people, in fact, I treat them better than people sometimes. If this was my choice I would break up - no point living with someone who won't allow me to have pets in the house.


Because as I mentioned.They have discovered we (many humans) form a bond and vice versa with their pets through I believe the bonding chemical in the brain oxytocin.I believe that happens through mostly touch.I remember one time I was already in counseling and so happens we had to put one of our Rotties down and I mentioned it in counseling and said I felt or "new" it was silly for me to be that torn up over "just a dog" and my counselor said uhhhh...not silly ..not silly at all..in fact I get NEW PATIENTS who begin therapy over grieving over the loss of a pet..its a very real and deep bond we develop with our pets.(or most /many pet owners that is).


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I treat my pets the same way I treat my children - NO ONE gets in between me and them.
> 
> But that's just me, I treat animals like people, in fact, I treat them better than people sometimes. If this was my choice I would break up - no point living with someone who won't allow me to have pets in the house.


You know...once I would have happily shot any non-family member who tried to hurt my dog.

But then i started doing calculations. I thought about how much time we spent taking care of her. I thought of all the opportunities my family was missing, trips we could take, time spent together making happy memories which they would never get because we needed to be able to configure where the darn dog was going to go.

So...when she became dangerous, I manned up, put her down, cried my eyes out and decided to put away these costly relationships. Easy to get the kibble of love from an animal...but it's still kibble.

I chose more fulfilling, more challenging relationships...until the wife brought home a mixed breed animal.

She asked me what the mix was.

"Half Hell Hound, Half Chow Hound."

I don't like the dog...and I am still robbed of opportunities, because my children like that sort of uncomplicated relationship too, I guess.

Dad is a second class citizen. I feel for your partner.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Or maybe he's feeling neglected and tired of taking second place to your cats?


I think wanting BOTH doesn't mean the human relationship is 2nd place.Think of it as similar to children (maybe not quite as difficult but for many really darn close)..would it be that snap easy a decision to have to choose "keeping" your children or keeping your spouse?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

That's why you get a cat, they clean after themselves, no need to walk them, are very independent, effective pest control, and besides they make me laugh.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> =/
> 
> That's why you get a cat, they clean after themselves, no need to walk them, are very independent, effective pest control, and besides they make me laugh.


And you don't need to name them since they don't come if you call.

Or...i suppose you could name them RrrrRrrrRrrr (Sound of can opener running)


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



dallasapple said:


> I think wanting BOTH doesn't mean the human relationship is 2nd place.Think of it as similar to children (maybe not quite as difficult but for many really darn close)..would it be that snap easy a decision to have to choose "keeping" your children or keeping your spouse?


Cats aren't children, but yes, lots of men feel resentment when their wives neglect them for the kids. If she's neglecting him, I could easily see him wanting to force the issue this way, especially since he doesn't like the cats and is allergic to them. 
Sure she could keep cats and not put them first and have a good relationship with him, but DOES she? And does he FEEL she does, whether that's the reality or not?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

JCD said:


> You know...once I would have happily shot any non-family member who tried to hurt my dog.
> 
> But then i started doing calculations. I thought about how much time we spent taking care of her. I thought of all the opportunities my family was missing, trips we could take, time spent together making happy memories which they would never get because we needed to be able to configure where the darn dog was going to go.
> 
> ...


We decided after our last Rottie had to be put down.The grief for one was just ..oh my..one thing we had 5 animals die in about 4 years...To put off getting another dog.Maybe forever I don't know..Tough decision I had at least one dog and most years more than one dog from age 4 solid to 42.Including my husband and I had dogs together before we even got married and moved in together..We have never not had a cat either.But one factor was dogs are a bit more of a commitment.With a cat you can lock them in the house leave litter boxes in every room put out LOTS of food and leave for a week and have a neighbor just check on them once a day.Most you dont have to worry about bathing..and you don't have walk them ..and cleaning out a litter box is way easier than scooping up piles out of the back yard or dealing with following with a pooper scooper .Also cats live a little longer on average than most breed dogs.All 3 of our Rotties died by age 10.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> And you don't need to name them since they don't come if you call.
> 
> Or...i suppose you could name them RrrrRrrrRrrr (Sound of can opener running)


Nah you just need a teaspoon and a mug then clink them together
But they'll only come when hungry, they're smart lol

Dog: "Humans feed me, walk me, play with me, they MUST BE GODS!"
Cat: "Humans feed me, pet me, play with me, I MUST BE GOD!!!"


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Even though I DO walk one of my Bangals on a leash.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Drover said:


> Cats aren't children, but yes, lots of men feel resentment when their wives neglect them for the kids. If she's neglecting him, I could easily see him wanting to force the issue this way, especially since he doesn't like the cats and is allergic to them.
> Sure she could keep cats and not put them first and have a good relationship with him, but DOES she? And does he FEEL she does, whether that's the reality or not?


Yes. I'm amazed at how many people are jumping immediately on the guy as the problem.

I think it's an unworkable situation. If he doesn't like them so badly, how did he stay?

And, not to put too fine a point on it...but it's been *8 years!* The cats are getting a bit long in the tooth...which means they get meaner and they pee all over stuff. And cat urine LINGERS

It would not be too many hairballs on my clean laundry or a pee stain in my bed before I would feel a bit 'neglected'.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Drover said:


> Cats aren't children, but yes, lots of men feel resentment when their wives neglect them for the kids. If she's neglecting him, I could easily see him wanting to force the issue this way, especially since he doesn't like the cats and is allergic to them.
> Sure she could keep cats and not put them first and have a good relationship with him, but DOES she? And does he FEEL she does, whether that's the reality or not?


This has nothing to do with men verses women nor NEGLECT of a spouse.Would happy couples with a balanced relationship either the mother or the father have an EASY time having to choose to GIVE AWAY their child in order to keep the spouse?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I wish the OP would come back and let us know if the cats came before or after he did. Or in between... seeing as how she says they've been on and off for 8 years.

Either way, I don't think it's right for him to demand she make a choice.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> This has nothing to do with men verses women nor NEGLECT of a spouse.Would happy couples with a balanced relationship either the mother or the father have an EASY time having to choose to GIVE AWAY their child in order to keep the spouse?


Let me type this slow

A...CAT...is NOT...a...CHILD.

A child is your genetic offspring. It is the only form of immortality humanity can be sure of. It is a rational thinking person who understands cause and effect...who experiences emotional pain and one can hold a conversation with it.

Cats are none of these things. 

To conflate these two relationships is frankly flabbergasting to me

Terry Pratchett said it best: 

(Paraphrased) "People like Elves for the same reason people like cats: STYLE. If cats acted the way they do and looked like frogs, they'd be extinct in a week..."


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Let me type this slow
> 
> A...CAT...is NOT...a...CHILD.


For animal lovers like myself, whether a cat or dog or my horse or my cousins' eagles (I wish I had one!)... they are the same.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> A...CAT...is NOT...a...CHILD


I never said a CAT WAS.But the documented research on our relationships with animals specifically cats and dogs MANY BOND the same way we do with a child with our BRAIN CHEMISTRY.Some stronger than others and some may not form that kind of a bond.I was trying to show a SIMILARITY to the possilbe difficulty for some having to GIVE AWAY their pet they have BONDED to in that manner..Its not so simple as "its not a child its just a cat whats the big deal ".it can be a VERY big deal including REAL grief.Emotional HEART ACHE...depression ...wondering if the animal is O.K etc...


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



dallasapple said:


> This has nothing to do with men verses women nor NEGLECT of a spouse.Would happy couples with a balanced relationship either the mother or the father have an EASY time having to choose to GIVE AWAY their child in order to keep the spouse?


1) Cats aren't children. 

2) You don't know whether she neglects him for the cats.

Here's what I see playing out here:

He doesn't like the cats but reluctantly decides he can put up with them for her. His allergies are making him miserable. He feels neglected by her. They're probably having problems of some kind, maybe he's not getting the sex he feels he should. Meanwhile, the cats "live outside" but she still lets them inside and/or spends a lot of time outside with them. 

The cats aren't really the issue but he doesn't know what to do about the real issue so he blames the damn cats.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



dallasapple said:


> I never said a CAT WAS.But the documented research on our relationships with animals specifically cats and dogs MANY BOND the same way we do with a child with our BRAIN CHEMISTRY.Some stronger than others and some may not form that kind of a bond.I was trying to show a SIMILARITY to the possilbe difficulty for some having to GIVE AWAY their pet they have BONDED to in that manner..Its not so simple as "its not a child its just a cat whats the big deal ".it can be a VERY big deal including REAL grief.Emotional HEART ACHE...depression ...wondering if the animal is O.K etc...


Only if you're a crazy cat lady.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> A child is your genetic offspring.


We can BOND with a child that is NOT genetically related to us as well..and OTHER humans..my husband is not "genetically related" to me either so do I have no problem "giving him away" ?NO ..I am very BONDED to him .This phenomenon can happen with an ANIMAL..a physical/ chemical BOND...the animal as well bonds with the human..how do you think they can train dogs (and recently I saw a cat with this talent) to alert a human they are about to have a seizure ? There is stuff going on we cant see or touch in our interactions with animals.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> For animal lovers like myself, whether a cat or dog or my horse or my cousins' eagles (I wish I had one!)... they are the same.


So true.

Animal lovers see their pets as their furry kids. I love pets myself, and have had cats, dogs, fish, and even a turtle. Even had them all at once one time! I married a man that's allergic to cat dander, but for my kids he lived with 2 kitties for about 5 years. He did try, bless his heart. We have a 2 year old schnoodle now that he absolutely adores (he found her for me!). I couldn't imagine giving her up and neither could he.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

QUESTION: Why would anyone maintain a relationship with a person who puts their animals ahead of him/her. 

It gets said here over and over that it's much healthier for the family if spouses put the needs of each other ahead of those of the children. But you put the animals first? Anyone who does this has priorities that are just completely out of whack.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Drover said:


> Only if you're a crazy cat lady.


What about a crazy dog lady? I have had 6 dogs over a span of 20 years ..and before that 3.I loved every one of them and grieved heavily when I had them no more..So call me crazy ..but don't limit that to cats.OH I also had a gecko for 12 years.I cried when she died.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



A Bit Much said:


> So true.
> 
> The really screwed up animal lovers see their pets as their furry kids. I love pets myself, and have had cats, dogs, fish, and even a turtle. Even had them all at once one time! I married a man that's allergic to cat dander, but for my kids he lived with 2 kitties for about 5 years. He did try, bless his heart. We have a 2 year old schnoodle now that he absolutely adores (he found her for me!). I couldn't imagine giving her up and neither could he.


Fixed your post. I love animals. I am an animal lover. I have had pets my whole life. I cry when I lose one. But they are not my children. Given the choice between my child and my dog, it's not close.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I wouldn't put my spouses "needs' below an animal.I also would never have MARRIED someone that didn't love and enjoy animals similary to me.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Drover said:


> QUESTION: Why would anyone maintain a relationship with a person who puts their animals ahead of him/her.
> 
> It gets said here over and over that it's much healthier for the family if spouses put the needs of each other ahead of those of the children. But you put the animals first? Anyone who does this has priorities that are just completely out of whack.


No, but it means that the spouse needs to know about this obsession before. That he is the emotional equivilent of a house pet (for better or for worse)

So, bearing that in mind, he should probably put as much effort into the relationship that a cat does: eat, drink, sleep and occasionally lie in her lap to be stroked.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Drover said:


> QUESTION: *Why would anyone maintain a relationship with a person who puts their animals ahead of him/her. *It gets said here over and over that it's much healthier for the family if spouses put the needs of each other ahead of those of the children. But you put the animals first? Anyone who does this has priorities that are just completely out of whack.


No sane person would. If the person has a problem with their partner (note NOT spouse, that's different IMO) and their animals being a priority then they are free to leave the relationship.

My husband stopped dating a woman who would interrupt their time over her dog. She wouldn't stay at his house overnight, and would cut dates short to go see about the dog. He told her over and over to bring the dog to his house, she refused. It got to be so annoying to him he felt it wasn't worth investing any more time with her.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I wish the OP would come back and let us know if the cats came before or after he did. Or in between... seeing as how she says they've been on and off for 8 years.
> 
> Either way, I don't think it's right for him to demand she make a choice.


Yeah it could be in between..like during one of their "off times".


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



dallasapple said:


> What about a crazy dog lady? I have had 6 dogs over a span of 20 years ..and before that 3.I loved every one of them and grieved heavily when I had them no more..So call me crazy ..but don't limit that to cats.OH I also had a gecko for 12 years.I cried when she died.


Someone puts a gun to your child's head and says, "Kill your dogs now or your child dies." What do you do...?

Because a dog is not your child!


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

if its allergies... 'feelings' come second to physical anguish.

But - of course its good to understand each others perspective and be attentive and let your partner know that you indeed hear them. Give them a few minutes to lay it on you without your speaking let them have their time. Listen. First. It makes a difference. 

Second - say your piece. Its not a race and its not a timed debate and the urge for immediate contradiction is strong when you feel that someone is misstating or misunderstanding you. Let it go and try and understand your partner first.

I am not always the best at this.. but I try.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTENo, but it means that the spouse needs to know about this obsession before. ][/QUOTE]

A HUGE % of humans then are apparently "obssessed" with dogs and cats ?Lets try exaggerating it the other way.Its means that person that cares about and has bonds with animals needs to know the BOYFIEND/GF thinks of animals as no more than expendable objects that are a basic equevivelant of used kleenex .


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This isn't exactly a life or death situation OP is talking about



dallasapple said:


> I wouldn't put my spouses "needs' ahead of an animal.I also would never have MARRIED someone that didn't love and enjoy animals similary to me.


I couldn't have said it better myself

I made it an early dealbreaker as well, don't like animals -> no chance at anything long term.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Drover said:


> Someone puts a gun to your child's head and says, "Kill your dogs now or your child dies." What do you do...?
> 
> Because a dog is not your child!


This is getting ridiculous..I have REPEATEDLY said a cat or a dog is not a "child". Now WHO is it that is having to make the choice in this thread to SAVE a child's life by killing their dogs by the way?I would for the record reggretably and with a heavy heart have to kill my dogs if an evil sociopath forced me to choose including my children would have to be traumatized witnessing their mother killing the pets THEY LOVE.I would expect them to serve time in prison ..as well as a civil suit to pay for mine and my children's therapy.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> This isn't exactly a life or death situation OP is talking about
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Right and I'll add..part of my husbands "needs" is to have animals!So me being the way I am actually was part of fullfilling his NEEDS...


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



dallasapple said:


> [QUOTENo, but it means that the spouse needs to know about this obsession before. ]


A HUGE % of humans then are apparently "obssessed" with dogs and cats ?Lets try exaggerating it the other way.Its means that person that cares about and has bonds with animals needs to know the BOYFIEND/GF thinks of animals as no more than expendable objects that are a basic equevivelant of used kleenex .[/QUOTE]

If you put the animal on par or ahead of your spouse, then I think it's an unhealthy obsession.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



RandomDude said:


> This isn't exactly a life or death situation OP is talking about
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she did that. She wants to do it retroactively and make him a villain for not loving the object of his misery.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Drover said:


> Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she did that. She wants to do it retroactively and make him a villain for not loving the object of his misery.


Well we don't know for sure which came first... the pets or him. She's going to have to clear that up for us.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Well...how miserable can he actually be if he's served 8 years already?

And IF he put in 8 years...he's really shot himself in the foot. WHY can't he take them anymore NOW over 8 years ago?

So what are his reasons OP?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> If you put the animal on par or ahead of your spouse, then I think it's an unhealthy obsession.


The OP first of all is not married.And its been on and off again for 8 years on top of that..I hardly call that a spouse.On top of that BONDING with a living creature that is not a human is not an "obsession"..it is a NATURAL occurrence.Maybe she has a weaker bond with her BF than her cats?Or maybe its equal..Same as I have a weaker bond with a stranger I pass in a crowd than I do with my animals.Who knows.But you still can't qualify that as an obsession.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I wouldn't give up an animal for an on again/off again relationship. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't like or was allergic too animals either.

My boyfriend doesn't care much for cats, I let him know when we started dating that if things where ever to get serious between us/we moved in together, my cats aren't going anywhere and he needed to think about that long and hard, if he wanted to be involved with me. He said he wouldn't dream of making me give them up. Now, I also told him he would never be responsible for their care and once they die, I don't think I'd get another one.

Dogs on the other hand, we both like dogs and we each have one, and I know I'll always have at least one.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Drover said:


> If you put the animal on par or ahead of your spouse, then I think it's an unhealthy obsession.


I think if you feel like you are really playing 2nd fiddle to an animal - you have insecurity issues. No doubt about it.

Some people love animals - its a requirement for some in a happy life. Im not that way, but no need to start calling it 'unhealthy'.. people with pets live longer after all.. that is universally understood.

People on opposite sidesof that fence that have dug their heels in - are obviously not a very ideal match.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I wouldn't put my spouses "needs' below an animal.I also would never have MARRIED someone that didn't love and enjoy animals similary to me.


I agree, I could not be with someone who did not also love animals, like me. 

Those of us who are animal lovers, this is something that is just ingrained in us. Its part of our makeup, part of who we are. I have been a horse freak since I first have any memories, its just part of me. I have no idea why or where it came from, but it has always been there. I am crazy about any kind of critter, and always have to have some kind of pet. I know now that it is not in my best interest to be with someone who doesnt feel the same. A Bit Much posted:

"My husband stopped dating a woman who would interrupt their time over her dog. She wouldn't stay at his house overnight, and would cut dates short to go see about the dog. He told her over and over to bring the dog to his house, she refused. It got to be so annoying to him he felt it wasn't worth investing any more time with her." 

A dog (or cat or whatever furry being) is a real responsiblity. It is a living, breathing thing that depends on you for its needs and its well being. Of course we have no way to know why she refused his offer, but personally I would be thrilled to have someone open their home to my dog and me. 

The posts asking if you would choose a pet over your child are ridiculous and out of context, in my opinion. Of course you wouldnt. But if someone special comes into your life and you have pets that you love, that person really needs to be able to accept your pets, because they are part of who YOU are.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Well, I was reading the Ladies Powder Room thread about Turn Offs.

So...farts are part of WHO I AM. So...does that mean I get to say to a spouse 'Love me, Love my farts' ?

Cause getting rid of a cat is a car drive. Gassiness is a much harder climb


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## pipedreamer (Feb 6, 2013)

See ya later Johnny. Why give up pets for someone who is kind of a Jerk? It isn't like he's allergic to them or something.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Also who knows maybe she is "just not that in to him"..and part of the reason is he hates her cats and wants her to give them away?There are people who are dating that one or the other isn't into them on the same level and its not even a matter of having to get rid of your animals to keep them around.But throw in that factor of course you would choose the animals.Also when you aquire an animal unless you are fostering its supposed to be a life commitment.You really should have some really good reasons to 'give them away"..I actually had to do that my self with 2 cats long story but I had them for years (persians) and after the birth of my 3rd child my "instincts" to protect my infant over my attachment to those 2 kicked in and I made the decision.That was after years of trying to remedy the issues with them which were extreme.Namely they urinated and defecated all over the house.Including the final straw the dryer caught on fire from them urinating repeatedly on top of it and the urine like syrup had caused a shortage/spark .One of them Chester also climbed on top of me in the middle of the night while I slept and peed on ME>I still have "regret" that I couldn't "fix them" /stop them and keep them.Another an English bull dog..the SWEETEST thing on earth to people.But he constanlty attacked my Rottweilers(they were scarred and not only that just the 'hostile" enviroment not fair them....He also had escaped and attacked brutally another dog (a small one) that happened to be out in the streets too..I was overwhelmed.We found the perfect home for him..A family on a waiting list to adopt that breed.One child a boy around 10 (his dream dog) with no other dogs in the house.So I'm not "against' having to choose b considering everyone involved including other animals..Or "obsessed" with my animals and not grounded in reality .Myself anyway.But a boyfriend with allergies that can be treated ? I don't know..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> I think if you feel like you are really playing 2nd fiddle to an animal - you have insecurity issues. No doubt about it.
> 
> Some people love animals - its a requirement for some in a happy life. Im not that way, but no need to start calling it 'unhealthy'.. people with pets live longer after all.. that is universally understood.
> 
> People on opposite sidesof that fence that have dug their heels in - are obviously not a very ideal match.


Thank you !!!! Some think its crazy "obsession" and I don't appreciate that...Im sure their are some.Like hoarders..Or some that have "issues" and can't bond with people but only animals etc...But that is not the "typical" animal lover that I know.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> *A dog (or cat or whatever furry being) is a real responsibility.* It is a living, breathing thing that depends on you for its needs and its well being.


Yes, they absolutely are! 

Getting a pet is not like buying a video game for your entertainment. You can't just set them aside when they are inconvenient.

They are living creatures and you have agreed to be responsible for them throughout their lives. Pet lovers don't take that lightly, and shouldn't. It's a real commitment and real responsibility.

If an on-again, off-again boyfriend can't accept that you have a responsibility to the animals you've brought into your life, I believe you two aren't a good match.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

JCD said:


> Well, I was reading the Ladies Powder Room thread about Turn Offs.
> 
> So...farts are part of WHO I AM. So...does that mean I get to say to a spouse 'Love me, Love my farts' ?
> 
> Cause getting rid of a cat is a car drive. Gassiness is a much harder climb


Seriously? Every man I have ever been with farts, usually a lot! LOL! I have never ONCE told a man to stop his body from farting or I am leaving him!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I agree, I could not be with someone who did not also love animals, like me.
> 
> Those of us who are animal lovers, this is something that is just ingrained in us. Its part of our makeup, part of who we are. I have been a horse freak since I first have any memories, its just part of me. I have no idea why or where it came from, but it has always been there. I am crazy about any kind of critter, and always have to have some kind of pet. I know now that it is not in my best interest to be with someone who doesnt feel the same. A Bit Much posted:
> 
> ...


Right and I think its insensitive and quite frankly ignorant to view the relationships and the history between animals and humans that is deeper than "just an animal" as an "obsession" and like you got some sort of issue .Or insinuate those who bond and love animals of putting them "above" your humans that you love (and that LOVE YOU )including your children..For me its more like stop minmizing the depth of the bond and the joy some have with animals.Including the fact too animals have been known to be willing to protect and serve humans in a manner that is impressive ...and be very loyal companions.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Seriously? Every man I have ever been with farts, usually a lot! LOL! I have never ONCE told a man to stop his body from farting or I am leaving him!


Well my husband and I both fart.BUT if we do it in front of each other its an "oopsie"..I dont just let um rip neither does he..I think its rude so does he...Neither one of us thinks our farts are some sweet aroma of comfortable love..

Our middle son???...Oh my lord..I give him probiotics now but both my husband and I have gagged..If he does it in the car hes in trouble lets say...

So we both LOVE cats (and dogs and other animals) and we both appreciate not having to smell each others farts if at all possible ..TWO MAJOR compatabilities!!!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh and its not 'fart" its "passing gas"..fart is bad word.(or so my mother taught me ).


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I am a HUGE animal lover. I have 2 dogs and a cat and in a couple months I'll have a bird and a snake as well. I LOVE animals and could not imagine my life without them. That being said I know I could never be married to a guy that doesn't at least accept living in a household with pets. Your guy is lucky you've put your cats outdoors. I would NEVER do that. I say he just put himself out, so let him go. Your pets didn't ask for him.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Love Song said:


> I am a HUGE animal lover. I have 2 dogs and a cat and in a couple months I'll have a bird and a snake as well. I LOVE animals and could not imagine my life without them. That being said I know I could never be married to a guy that doesn't at least accept living in a household with pets. Your guy is lucky you've put your cats outdoors. I would NEVER do that. I say he just put himself out, so let him go. Your pets didn't ask for him.


I had a bird (several of them) and snake too ( several of them)..My husband and kids wanted the snakes..My birds "Prince"..Baby" and Oscar the Grouch"..UMMM>.my husbands ideas....Prince died in my home..(he was a dove..DUMB move got him at 17)...Baby..Salmon crested ****otoo!!Gave him to a breeder..Oscar??He was an Alexandrian..He was donated to the local "nature" exibit for the little ones..Oh the snakes..the bearded dragons..the taruntulas(ROSE)...(MY HUSBAND)...THE POOR LITTLE FROGS...ENOUGH!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The real thing here is, if he truly loved you, that would mean he would want you to be happy. He would get the shots and help you vacuum more (though if they're outdoor cats, don't see how the hair is ending up in the house). What he's really saying is he kinda loves you, kinda wants you around, but if you want to get to keep him, YOU will change.

I'm a cat person, but when we married, I bought my husband a dog. Because I know he loves them.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Just an FYI, people that say obnoxious/mean or hurtful things then follow it up by "I was kidding" aren't really kidding.



OH SO TRUE! 

In my case, my exW stated the above simply because there was no way that she could have defended her statement. 

I had TWO custom-made rings made for her that cost me over $17k for her engagement/wedding ring. I had the 2nd one made because she wasn't happy (nor really was I) with the look of the first one.

In just over 3 months after being married, she said that we could upgrade her center stone from a 2.2 ct to a 3-3.5ct stone. Needless to say I was not only hurt, but *pissed* as well. When confronted, she said "Oh, I was just "kidding". Right....just like she was kidding about having 1 ct diamond earings for our 1 year anniversary. HAD to have a $500 Tiffany bracelet for her birthday....had to have a $400k house but yet had nothing to contribute towards it, "budgeted" $30k of my pre-marital money for furniture, decided that my Lexus SUV was more appropriate for her to drive because it allowed for more room for our future kids (her choice as to how many), etc. etc.

Oh, and as it relates to pets? She had a cat and got upset at me for "petting it the wrong way"....which meant that I was supposed to just scratch the top of it's head so as not to release "all that fur" by stroking a cat most normal people would do. AND, she refused for me to get another Lab after having to put mine down shortly after meeting her.

Dude, run this person. It's his way or the highway and it WON'T get better! TRUST ME!

14 months of marriage and it cost me dearly -- easily over $60k when you include rings, honeymoon, vacations, paying off her debts, car note, selling my home, etc. I can't believe I was so easily duped but in hind sight it was the best learning experience of my life. I would have been SO miserable if I had stayed married to her. Yet she'll always look at herself as "the victim".


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

turnera said:


> The real thing here is, if he truly loved you, that would mean he would want you to be happy. He would get the shots and help you vacuum more (though if they're outdoor cats, don't see how the hair is ending up in the house). What he's really saying is he kinda loves you, kinda wants you around, but if you want to get to keep him, YOU will change.
> 
> I'm a cat person, but when we married, I bought my husband a dog. Because I know he loves them.


I bought my husband a dog for his 21st birthday..Roxanne a Rottweiler..That was 26 years ago..I remember she was the last one..and the "grandpa" was holding her..she was maybe 12 -14 weeks..He was holding her I'm not kidding in a rocking chair in front of a beautiful fire place in the home..kissing her..telling her he would miss her he was tearful..I promised him we would love her..And we did..It makes me cry...She died of cancer at 9 1/2...I took her to ever specialist...in the end..we had to put her down..(after me willing to inject her with morphine to keep her comfortable...)..


BLAHH!!!!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

"He doesn't like cats because he's kind of a jerk."

Wow. I don't think it would be a big surprise to find out his issue is not really with the cats.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

So, he took his statement back, that its the cats or him. He justs feels that less important than a cat. It was his idea to get one cat for his 3 children about 4 years ago. I talked him into getting another to keep the cat company, then I talked him into another cat for his 3rd child. We were going to just keep them outdoors with access to the garage. Or relationship had issues before the cats. He regrets getting them of course. They are now basically my cats because I'm the caretaker and they DO come to me when I call. They adore me. I use a high pitched voice and they come running. Whenever my car pulls up, they come running to me. They are very sweet. However, my boyfriend can't stand a single cat hair on anything, so shots won't help. I will always own cats, even if outdoors. He wants to marry me despite the cats, but I'm not as happy as I hoped I'd be. I wonder if I'd be happier in my own apartment with my cats. But then I'd have to give up my boyfriend and our beloved dog, who only wants to be around me, literally. The dog was adopted for my boyfriends son but he is indoors and they would keep him if I left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think he just has the 7 year itch.....

There's a reason cat ladies are usually alone. It's about priorities. I believe everyone has a right to determine their own priorities as long as no one gets hurt. If a person prioritizes cats or dogs over humans I find that irrational. Especially if they eat meat from the grocery store. It usually means their relationships with people haven't been very rewarding and that would be a red flag for me.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Also, I do think he is kind of a jerk for not liking cats, but he can be kind of a jerk in general sometimes. He also has very good qualities too. He is very dedicated to me. I'm a bit non committal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Oh and the 3rd cat was taken by a neighbor, don't know what they did to her. So now we just have 2
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

In attempt for lightheartedness, maybe if you show him THIS VIDEO he'd like cats a little more? I mean, who _wouldn't_? 

Kidding aside, I REALLY think you just need to talk to him. I think he just feels like you don't respect him and his feelings  Once he feels you do, I'm sure he'll be MUCH more open to talking clearly on the subject.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

There's the problem. You talk to them in that godawful high pitched voice people use on pets & babies. People who do that deserve a punch in the kidneys.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Drover said:


> There's the problem. You talk to them in that godawful high pitched voice people use on pets & babies. People who do that deserve a punch in the kidneys.


Buuuut... .what if wittle kitty mew mew needs her num nums? How else will she know when it's din din time? 

(I am ABSOLUTELY guilty of this! But then, so is my husband when he thinks I'm not around  )


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Drover said:


> There's the problem. You talk to them in that godawful high pitched voice people use on pets & babies. People who do that deserve a punch in the kidneys.


GOOD I hope your mother got punched int the kidneys talking to you ..

Whatever...


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



ComicBookLady said:


> Buuuut... .what if wittle kitty mew mew needs her num nums? How else will she know when it's din din time?


There it is. He's thinking he deserves a blowjob for accepting the damn cats that give him allergies. She's at the back door talking babytalk to them.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

You're right comic book lady, he feels I don't respect him and his feelings. I really don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with my furry babies outdoors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

animal 2011 said:


> You're right comic book lady, he feels I don't respect him and his feelings. I really don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with my furry babies outdoors.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm SO happy you connected with him on the issue!

Does he understand your love for the cats? Is he able to reconcile on "THE CATS MUST GO" at all?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

ComicBookLady said:


> Buuuut... .what if wittle kitty mew mew needs her num nums? How else will she know when it's din din time?
> 
> (I am ABSOLUTELY guilty of this! But then, so is my husband when he thinks I'm not around  )


Were you not nurtured as a child is that your issue? I'm just curious the hatred/resentment has to come from some where..Do you want the person who nurtures and loves the kitty kitty to love you instead? If not whats your big issue?Why resent animals that much?Don't get it..


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Yes, he's letting go of the cats must go (for now), he just feels less important somehow. He doesn't get that they feel like children to me. But...I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

animal 2011 said:


> You're right comic book lady, he feels I don't respect him and his feelings. I really don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with my furry babies outdoors.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DON"T then..other men are not as insecure and have no problem sharing you ...with cats..


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So, he wanted the cats and now he doesn't? How convenient.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

animal 2011 said:


> Yes, he's letting go of the cats must go (for now), he just feels less important somehow. He doesn't get that they feel like children to me. But...I don't know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats really sad...


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

He never wanted the cats, he was trying to be unselfish because he knew me and his kids would love one. He figured we would keep it outdoors. He was willing to try but now they drive him nuts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



dallasapple said:


> Thats really sad...


 
I agree. It's very sad that she puts the cats ahead of him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And cats live a long time... outdoor a bit less of course, but still a cat is a pretty serious committment to invest.

He'll bring it up again. No doubt about it. The demand he made is one of those line in the sand statements a person makes when they've had it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Find a cat man...they exist .!!!


They sure do exist! My husband is one of them and we have 3. Then after 10 years I convinced him to let me have a dog, now we have 2. Then I wanted chickens for fresh eggs, he built me a coop. 

Your husband should never make you choose. Personally, I'd find a much better man. My husband and I treat each other as equals. Neither one of us would ever boss the other around. We also work together on compromises.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

animal 2011 said:


> He never wanted the cats, he was trying to be unselfish because he knew me and his kids would love one. He figured we would keep it outdoors. He was willing to try but now they drive him nuts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How so? If they're not in the house, how could they be driving him so crazy? I don't get that at all.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm, does your cats ****block him?

Lol I find this whole thing rather amusing now, so he took it back, and admits he's jealous of the cats. 

Maybe he should dress up as puss in boots:








:rofl:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Drover said:


> I agree. It's very sad that she puts the cats ahead of him.


That's really sad he minimizes something that important to her and wants her to choose..He cant really love her...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Hmmm, does your cats ****block him?
> 
> Lol I find this whole thing rather amusing now, so he took it back, and admits he's jealous of the cats.
> 
> ...





:lol:


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

animal 2011 said:


> I am a huge animal lover. I have 2 cats that I am mom to. He hates cats because a) he's kind of a jerk, b) he complains about cat hair nonstop (even though they live outside), c) he's very allergic. So my cats are outdoors for him and he still says I have to get rid of them. I will not. But we have been together on and off for 8 years._Posted via Mobile Device_


 Item "c) he's very allergic" to cats explains a) and b). I am very allergic to cats and hugging and cuddling someone that has been in close contact with cats can be an issue for me. I compromised with my wife and children and we have a breed of dog that I am not allergic to. Make a choice, but do not blame him for not liking cats.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

animal 2011 said:


> He never wanted the cats, he was trying to be unselfish because he knew me and his kids would love one. He figured we would keep it outdoors. He was willing to try but now they drive him nuts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OH well decide then..for LIFE!


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Were you not nurtured as a child is that your issue? I'm just curious the hatred/resentment has to come from some where..Do you want the person who nurtures and loves the kitty kitty to love you instead? If not whats your big issue?Why resent animals that much?Don't get it..


Haha I don't resent animals! *I* am the one that baby talks to my cat! :smthumbup: I love her little face off!

I have nothing against people who love cats OR people who dislike cats, everyone has different tastes.


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## Roma (Apr 18, 2012)

sounds to me that your not in love with your boyfriend if your " a bit non commital", you don't think you can "spend the rest of your life with your furry babies outside" you've considered living in your own appartment but that would mean you couldn't get the dog.....where does your boyfriend come in to all this?? The question you should be asking yourself should be can I live without this man forever? Your main thoughts should be do I want to spend the rest of my life with this man?? anything that hurts him should be of concern to you, but it doesn't seem that way. It's almost as if you blame him for the allergy...


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

One of my friends dated a guy for quite awhile when he got a dog. Initially it was no problem, as the girl liked animals. But soon, the bf would neglect her because of the pet: there was no more "us" time, no more barbeques or trips in 2, no more cuddling and kisses, coz everytime they sat down cuddling, the dog would come right in between, and the bf turned his attention to the dog. My friend felt she was permanently put in the back seat. It was not the main reason why she broke up with him, but it was among the heavy things. 
This is not the O.P's case. She doesn't ignore her bf because of the cats. She just likes to have them around because pets are among the things that she loves. Our likes are part of our personality, of who we are. I don't think a SO should try to change that.
I hope he becomes more reasonable. Wish you luck, animal lover .


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

animal 2011 said:


> He never wanted the cats, he was trying to be unselfish because he knew me and his kids would love one. He figured we would keep it outdoors. He was willing to try but now they drive him nuts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad he put that demand off the table. Progress! 

Did you show him appreciation for putting your needs above his? Men need to know you notice and appreciate their deeds!

As long as you work to make him feel respected and appreciated, I'm sure the cats will not be a problem anymore. And if he has a flare up, that's your red flag that he needs you to help fulfill those emotional needs. 

Again so happy things are going in a better direction!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

ComicBookLady said:


> I'm glad he put that demand off the table. Progress!
> 
> Did you show him appreciation for putting your needs above his? Men need to know you notice and appreciate their deeds!
> 
> ...


Sounds more needy than a cat...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> How so? If they're not in the house, how could they be driving him so crazy? I don't get that at all.


 If they are on the children and on her, it is in the house. Add to this everyone opening the door to go in and out of the back yard and even more is in the house. Finally, he probably wants be able to sit down outside of his own home without picking up even more cat stuff. The allergic reaction is not fun.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Sounds more needy than a cat...


That's not fair to him. EVERYONE has emotional needs, he's not "needy" for wanting to feel respected. Just as we're not "sensitive" or "dramatic" for wanting to be heard and validated by our husbands.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

TRy said:


> If they are on the children and on her, it is in the house. Add to this everyone opening the door to go in and out of the back yard and even more is in the house. Finally, he probably wants be able to sit down outside on his own property without picking up even more cat stuff. The allergic reaction is not fun.


And maybe he should have thought about all of that before bringing up getting cats in the first place.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

ComicBookLady said:


> That's not fair to him. EVERYONE has emotional needs, he's not "needy" for wanting to feel respected. Just as we're not "sensitive" or "dramatic" for wanting to be heard and validated by our husbands.


why are you comparing it (this situation) to a woman's desires by her husband???


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I do feel for him for having allergies. My husband has them and it's no picnic to see him suffer.

What I don't have pity for is his demanding she choose him or them. He wanted to please his kids and in the process everyone has grown to love them. Now he's over it and now what? She's supposed to take them to a shelter or give them up? Not so easy to do. It affects more than just him by giving them up.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I have a LOVE for my siblings I have a love for my dogs..I love for my grandmother I have a love for my cats..I love my cats and dogs i LOVE MY HUSBAND sisters children and dogs and cats..

What does "emotional needs" have to do with it..Loving one doesn't mean neglecting another...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I do feel for him for having allergies. My husband has them and it's no picnic to see him suffer.
> 
> What I don't have pity for is his demanding she choose him or them. He wanted to please his kids and in the process everyone has grown to love them. Now he's over it and now what? She's supposed to take them to a shelter or give them up? Not so easy to do. It affects more than just him by giving them up.


Exactly!


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



dallasapple said:


> Sounds more needy than a cat...


You constantly make statements like this with absolutely no basis. You just sound so hopelessly bitter.

I'm curious about what prompted the demand. He didn't just wake up after 8 yrs and issue an ultimatum one day. She has nimbly avoided any discussion of the argument in which this demand was made or the issue of any neglect he may be feeling.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> why are you comparing it (this situation) to a woman's desires by her husband???


Yes, because the core issue here was he didn't feel respected (not so much about the cats). That is a core need for a man, and very important he feels fulfilled in that area, otherwise it causes issues.

BUT He wasn't right to take out his resentments and demand her to get rid of the cats. He could have simply said " I don't feel respected because you don't seem to care about how *I* feel about the cats" and then they could have taken care of the REAL issue better before moving forward to work to find a solution that makes them both happy with the cats.

But as you know, things aren't always that simple. They both just need a little help working on communication  He could benefit from working on his emotional awareness too, so he can pinpoint what his true feelings are and communicate them to her better.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

ComicBookLady said:


> Yes, because the core issue here was he didn't feel respected (not so much about the cats). That is a core need for a man, and very important he feels fulfilled in that area, otherwise it causes issues.
> 
> BUT He wasn't right to take out his resentments and demand her to get rid of the cats. He could have simply said " I don't feel respected because you don't seem to care about how *I* feel about the cats" and then they could have taken care of the REAL issue better before moving forward to work to find a solution that makes them both happy with the cats.
> 
> But as you know, things aren't always that simple. They both just need a little help working on communication  He could benefit from working on his emotional awareness too, so he can pinpoint what his true feelings are and communicate them to her better.


But its about cats for HER...Sorry he has deep insecurities and he is USING cats to make himself feel important?..I dont blame her for saying NO.its not her responsibility to especially bail on animals to make him feel "secure..That's silly ..he needs counseling.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> But its about cats for HER...Sorry he has deep insecurities and he is USING cats to make himself feel important?..I dont blame her for saying NO.its not her responsibility to especially bail on animals to make him feel "secure..That's silly ..he needs counseling.


I'm glad she said "No" initially too. They need to find a solution to this in which they're BOTH happy. Not just demand things of one another. I don't know what that could be, but now that the issue of feeling respected is being taken care of, they can better talk calmly about it.

We ALL feel insecure now and then. That doesn't make us BAD or WRONG or WEAK, we're just human!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Drover said:


> You constantly make statements like this with absolutely no basis. You just sound so hopelessly bitter.
> 
> I'm curious about what prompted the demand. He didn't just wake up after 8 yrs and issue an ultimatum one day. She has nimbly avoided any discussion of the argument in which this demand was made or the issue of any neglect he may be feeling.


I think its "hopelessly" bitter for a person to be jealous over cats.
And he didn't "wake up" after 8 years..they have an Off on relationship" ..not even a marriage..So maybe YOU are "hopelessly" bitter ..how long have you been married?

You have no "basis"..i'VE BEEN MARRIED 25 YEARS THIS JUNE..With animals..and children..please stop following me..and saying I have "no basis" ...I have a lot of basis..O.K?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

ComicBookLady said:


> I'm glad she said "No" initially too. They need to find a solution to this in which they're BOTH happy. Not just demand things of one another. I don't know what that could be, but now that the issue of feeling respected is being taken care of, they can better talk calmly about it.
> 
> We ALL feel insecure now and then. That doesn't make us BAD or WRONG or WEAK, we're just human!


I agree..but if she chooses her cats..doesn't make her "bad"..


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> And maybe he should have thought about all of that before bringing up getting cats in the first place.


 The OP stated that "He never wanted the cats, he was trying to be unselfish". He tried and it did not work out. Since when is trying a bad thing? Are you saying that he should he not have tried?:scratchhead:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Drover said:


> You constantly make statements like this with absolutely no basis. You just sound so hopelessly bitter.
> 
> I'm curious about what prompted the demand. He didn't just wake up after 8 yrs and issue an ultimatum one day. She has nimbly avoided any discussion of the argument in which this demand was made or the issue of any neglect he may be feeling.



:scratchhead:


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> I agree..but if she chooses her cats..doesn't make her "bad"..


 No, but it lets him know just how low he ranks in her life. Better he find out now I guess.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

TRy said:


> The OP stated that "He never wanted the cats, he was trying to be unselfish". He tried and it did not work out. Since when is trying a bad thing? Are you saying that he should he not have tried?:scratchhead:


I'm saying IMHO he tried and failed..time to move on...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

TRy said:


> No, but it lets him know just how low he ranks in her life. Better he find out now I guess.


Yes and better she finds out,..That he would be happy for her to "get rid of" her cats for him..Umm...no thanks..shake hands and depart...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

animal 2011 said:


> *It was his idea to get one cat for his 3 children about 4 years ago*. I talked him into getting another to keep the cat company, then I talked him into another cat for his 3rd child. We were going to just keep them outdoors with access to the garage.
> 
> They are very sweet. However, my boyfriend can't stand a single cat hair on anything, so shots won't help.
> 
> *The dog was adopted for my boyfriends son but he is indoors and they would keep him if I left.*


Seriously?

It was HIS idea to get the first cat, AND they have a dog which is an INDOOR dog? 

Does the dog not shed? He doesn't care that there is dog hair everywhere but cat hair is a huge problem? He is not allergic to the dog?

Your bf is sounding...inconsistent...among other things.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

norajane said:


> Seriously?
> 
> It was HIS idea to get the first cat, AND they have a dog which is an INDOOR dog?
> 
> ...



Apparently he's only allergic to cats..


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

The dog is a short haired, very sweet Chihuahua. Very little shedding. The cats are very long haired. He is allergic to dogs too but not as bad. The cat allergies affect his breathing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

animal 2011 said:


> Yes, he's letting go of the cats must go (for now), he just feels less important somehow. He doesn't get that they feel like children to me. But...I don't know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you ever read His Needs Her Needs?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

To me, it is plain as day to see why OP's SO is feeling undervalued and neglected in the relationship, and it is only indirectly related to the cats.

There are ways to enjoy cats and the relationship at the same time, but it takes the ability for both spouses to take off their blinders and feel what the other person is saying and realizing that they can either be "right" or enjoy a happy life together. (I think this is what ComicBookLady was speaking of earlier, too.)


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

JCD said:


> So...the choice the OP is laying on him is 'being with me means constant suffering because something that doesn't even come when I call it is more important than a guy who CHOSE to spend 8 UNCOMFORTABLE years with me...'
> 
> Yup...dump him. The cats can take you to dinner, rub your back, have sex with you, have meaningful....oh...wait...no they can't...
> 
> HE isn't important to YOU. so keep the cats. Get 10 more...


And change your avatar while you're at it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

TRy said:


> The OP stated that "He never wanted the cats, he was trying to be unselfish". He tried and it did not work out. Since when is trying a bad thing? Are you saying that he should he not have tried?:scratchhead:


No, I'm saying he shouldn't demand she choose. There are better more productive ways of getting our needs met than that. Trying is fine, my own husband did it. He tried for a long time and it didn't work out, but I would have resented him for demanding I choose him over the cats. That would have been the wrong approach.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



dallasapple said:


> I think its "hopelessly" bitter for a person to be jealous over cats.
> And he didn't "wake up" after 8 years..they have an Off on relationship" ..not even a marriage..So maybe YOU are "hopelessly" bitter ..how long have you been married?
> 
> You have no "basis"..i'VE BEEN MARRIED 25 YEARS THIS JUNE..With animals..and children..please stop following me..and saying I have "no basis" ...I have a lot of basis..O.K?


Sorry. Didn't realize your marriage somehow makes you magically able to see what goes on in theirs.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



dallasapple said:


> But its about cats for HER...Sorry he has deep insecurities and he is USING cats to make himself feel important?..I dont blame her for saying NO.its not her responsibility to especially bail on animals to make him feel "secure..That's silly ..he needs counseling.


He doesn't like her cats so he's insecure. As usual your logic isn't.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Well my husband and I both fart.BUT if we do it in front of each other its an "oopsie"..I dont just let um rip neither does he..I think its rude so does he...Neither one of us thinks our farts are some sweet aroma of comfortable love..


You're not REALLY married until you've Dutch-ovened your spouse.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

turnera said:


> The real thing here is, if he truly loved you, that would mean he would want you to be happy. He would get the shots and help you vacuum more (though if they're outdoor cats, don't see how the hair is ending up in the house). What he's really saying is he kinda loves you, kinda wants you around, but if you want to get to keep him, YOU will change.


If the cats come inside, so does their hair. I should take a video of my daughter's boyfriend when he comes to my house, with an outdoor cat that comes in maybe a total of 2 hours a week. His suffering is sad to the point of uneasiness.

I've been through the shots myself. They're no small commitment, either in time or money. You don't just walk in, get an injection, and walk out the door. They make you sit there for an hour while they monitor you for a severe reaction - after all, the shot is an injection in your arm of precisely that to which you're allergic. They require you to fill a prescription for an EPI pen in case you drop dead from anaphylaxis on the spot. They itch like hell for a day or too.

Not as simple as you think. I would think twice about expecting it from an SO.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

animal 2011 said:


> Also, I do think he is kind of a jerk for not liking cats, but he can be kind of a jerk in general sometimes. He also has very good qualities too. He is very dedicated to me. I'm a bit non committal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's a jerk for not liking cats? And HE'S the problem?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I understand. Although I never had ANY side effects, including itching, when I got the shots. And I only had to wait 10 minutes after the first time. But boy, did they help with my allergies.

But they've been there all that time, and NOW he says they have to go? Something else is going on. Likely the 7-year itch.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

She also said he was GENERALLY a jerk. Not just when it comes to cats.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Sounds more needy than a cat...


On the plus side, even the meanest, orneriest, prison-hardened black-hearted skunk of man will show more appreciation for your efforts than will a cat.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

norajane said:


> Seriously?
> 
> It was HIS idea to get the first cat, AND they have a dog which is an INDOOR dog?
> 
> ...


 Nothing inconsistent at all. I am allergic to most dogs but certain types of dogs are OK and cause me no issue even if they are in the house. People with allergies are not actually allergic to the fur BTW. We are allergic to the saliva that gets onto the fur from when they lick it. Since most cats lick their fur much more than most dogs, people with allergies are far more allergic to cats than dogs.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Apparently he's only allergic to cats..


Would that surprise you? They're different species. They have different proteins in their fur. When I was scratch tested, it included a separate test for dogs and cats.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



TRy said:


> Nothing inconsistent at all. I am allergic to most dogs but certain types of dogs are OK and cause me no issue even if they are in the house. People with allergies are not actually allergic to the fur BTW. We are allergic to the saliva that gets onto the fur from when they lick it. Since most cats lick their fur much more than most dogs, people with allergies are far more allergic to cats than dogs.


Yeah, that's like saying, "you're allergic to peanuts but eat apples? that's inconsistent. you must be making it up."


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> She also said he was GENERALLY a jerk. Not just when it comes to cats.


The direct quote is



> Also, I do think he is kind of a jerk for not liking cats, but he can be kind of a jerk in general sometimes.


Sounds to me like he'd be a jerk by definition regardless as long as he doesn't like cats.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

She's admitted she's non-committal toward him so the problem will solve itself anyway.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

They should both part ways and find others who they are more compatible with. She shouldn't have to give up her beloved pets and he shouldn't have to suffer from his allergies. Win/win would be finding a more compatible partner.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

animal 2011 said:


> The dog is a short haired, very sweet Chihuahua. Very little shedding. The cats are very long haired. He is allergic to dogs too but not as bad. The cat allergies affect his breathing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How DARE we equate his need to breathe with you needing Wuggams and Kiki! What a selfish bastard. Can't he wear SCUBA gear or something?

You don't appreciate this guy.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Bring the cats inside and put his breakfast on the porch.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

All this over cats. I guess I'm a jerk because it's my firm belief all animals belong in the wild.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Choosing cats over human relationships is exactly why there are so many 70 year old cat ladies in the world.

If a cat has more value than an 8 year relationship then you've been doing it wrong...everything, wrong.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> ... it's my firm belief all animals belong in the wild.


Humans are mammals of the class **** sapiens. We are animals. Living in the jungle, joe, or planning a move anytime soon?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

tacoma said:


> If a cat has more value than an 8 year relationship then you've been doing it wrong...everything, wrong.


Never been married to an addict, huh? When my husband crapped all over the living room floor and the furniture, I left. My cats? They still prefer the litter box.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: he said "its me or your pet"*



Prodigal said:


> Never been married to an addict, huh? When my husband crapped all over the living room floor and the furniture, I left. My cats? They still prefer the litter box.


Yeah, not at all the same. Your cats didn't make him an addict and you didn't claim they did. This has pretty much nothing to with what she said.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Never been married to an addict, huh? When my husband crapped all over the living room floor and the furniture, I left. My cats? They still prefer the litter box.


Nope, too much self respect to stay with an addict at all let alone for years.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Humans are mammals of the class **** sapiens. We are animals. Living in the jungle, joe, or planning a move anytime soon?


So should I also lie on the floor and lick my ass? What is your point? If it makes you feel better I don't care much for humans either.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is a test:

For one week, don't feed your cats and don't give your SO sex. You are allowed to explain to each why you are doing this.

See which one actually sticks around...


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## Honest opinion (Dec 14, 2012)

When I read your fist post I thought it was a joke,then after reading more posts I realized that s your favoring two cats than your husband!!!! Really!!! So he is a jerk cuz its hard for him to breath around your cats,put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself how would you react,will he throw you out for cats?what kind of a relation you have with this man.poor guy I hope he leave and find himself clean house and caring wife.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Honest opinion said:


> When I read your fist post I thought it was a joke,then after reading more posts I realized that s your favoring two cats than your husband!!!! Really!!! So he is a jerk cuz its hard for him to breath around your cats,put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself how would you react,will he throw you out for cats?what kind of a relation you have with this man.poor guy I hope he leave and find himself clean house and caring wife.


He isn't her husband. He's just a guy she sort of sees on and off for 8 years.

Granted, having a relationship with a real person, which can't be solved with a belly rub and some num nums is much more exhausting.

(though...thinking about it...my wife could probably solve a LOT of issues with a steak dinner and some rubbing...)


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP the way you put these cats before a relationship makes you about as selfish as the cats.

BTW.
I have never understood "cat people", cats will eat food you supply (and anything else they can get their paws on), leave there fur everywhere (and male will spray), s**t on your carpet, scratch up your furniture and if you are very lucky they might let you pet them. If your cats where big enough they would hunt you down and eat you.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

People need to step back and realize that human relationships are and always should be more important than your relationship with an animal. If you even have to ask the question let him go.

Personally I'd be insulted if I had an allergy to a cat and the woman I'm having a serious relationship with refused to get rid of them. But I know that's not popular opinion in our society.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

sinnister said:


> People need to step back and realize that human relationships are and always should be more important than your relationship with an animal.


Why?

Because YOU think human relationships are more important than human animal relationships?

To each his own.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think the cat is doing the right thing here. Upping the alpha, manning up, and asserting boundaries to protect the relationship from the OH (other human).


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I have an extreme allergy to both cats and dogs. My allergist strongly suggested not having either as pets or I'd be on a strong dose of shots likely permanently. If he is anything like me, I would probably react the same way. I am just happy my husband is cool with no animals in our home


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

swedish said:


> I have an extreme allergy to both cats and dogs. My allergist strongly suggested not having either as pets or I'd be on a strong dose of shots likely permanently. If he is anything like me, I would probably react the same way. I am just happy my husband is cool with no animals in our home




(((((HUGS))))) that you found 1 person in 10&% of the population to deal with your allergies..that is SOOOO sweet...

You are very lucky..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

swedish said:


> I have an extreme allergy to both cats and dogs. My allergist strongly suggested not having either as pets or I'd be on a strong dose of shots likely permanently. If he is anything like me, I would probably react the same way. I am just happy my husband is cool with no animals in our home


 If she had _just_ brought the cats home, if it were _only_ HER who brought them home in the first place...I'd see your point. Neither is the case.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

When I moved in with my H it became obvious that I was allergic to his cat. I hadn't realized I had this allergy, but wound up going through 2 long rounds of allergy shots to try to deal with it. He loved the cat and I had no intention of depriving him of what he loved.

The shots helped in a minor way & the cat allergies jump-started allergies to dust, pollen, mold, dog dander & essentially every tree in our vicinity. Before this I was a non-allergic person. The allergies have stayed with me ever since - a serious health issue for me, definitely.

My H says if he had really understood what it meant to my long-term health, he would have tried to find a good home for the cat.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> When I moved in with my H it became obvious that I was allergic to his cat. I hadn't realized I had this allergy, but wound up going through 2 long rounds of allergy shots to try to deal with it. He loved the cat and I had no intention of depriving him of what he loved.
> 
> The shots helped in a minor way & the cat allergies jump-started allergies to dust, pollen, mold, dog dander & essentially every tree in our vicinity. Before this I was a non-allergic person. The allergies have stayed with me ever since - a serious health issue for me, definitely.
> 
> My H says if he had really understood what it meant to my long-term health, he would have tried to find a good home for the cat.


He didn't know. You were a very kind person.

I've heard that allergies can be like that. Prolonged exposure does NOT build up a level of immunity: it makes things worse in the long term...as you found out. Might be the same for 'the jerk'.

Sorry you had to go through that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> The shots helped in a minor way & the cat allergies jump-started allergies to dust, pollen, mold, dog dander & essentially every tree in our vicinity.


Most people develop allergies at different times in their lives, and developing ONE allergy rarely kickstarts others; they just would have been coming into your life, regardless. My mom worked for an allergist.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

JCD said:


> I've heard that allergies can be like that. Prolonged exposure does NOT build up a level of immunity: it makes things worse in the long term...as you found out. Might be the same for 'the jerk'.


Allergies can be very serious and debilitating. My H and I were just feeling our way, so the end result was 'live and learn.' One of the things that I learned was that people who don't have allergy problems can easily treat it like it's a minor annoyance that the sufferer is kvetching about. This attitude gets old fast when you're having trouble breathing. Needless to say, the 'jerk' may well be facing the problems I did. I don't wish this on anyone.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> Most people develop allergies at different times in their lives, and developing ONE allergy rarely kickstarts others; they just would have been coming into your life, regardless. My mom worked for an allergist.


Actually, my four allergists said that the cat allergy had sensitized me to the others. It was a tipping point for me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You went to FOUR allergists? At different times?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> You went to FOUR allergists? At different times?


Yes. I developed very serious environmental allergies. I went to two where we were living at the time we had the cat & then we moved to a different place, where the allergens were different (different trees, flowers, etc. = different shots) & then to another place. In the last round, I wanted to try to allow our children to have a dog. People are fond of saying that there are breeds that are 'allergy safe.' The allergist was on staff at Johns Hopkins (so, a very reputable place) & told me that I could continue with the shots, but it didn't matter. If we got a dog, any dog, he said, we would have to give it away within a year because my allergies would be unlivable.

In all cases, the doctors claimed that your system can become generally sensitized and that living with the cat initially did that to me, since I was 26 by that time & had zero history with allergies of any kind.

Ironically, it appeared that I wasn't allergic to hamsters or guinea pigs, so our kids had those as pets. Go figure.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Who owns the house /pays rent ? If these cats can come between these two humans, they have no real relationship......

If I were the man I would leave ( to avoid allergies & sickness) ...If I owned the house I would put the OP and the two cats and dog in the car and drop them off at the at the Local Rescue Shelter. Problem solved.

I keep and love my pets til they die of old age, but I don't have allergies either


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> Apparently he's only allergic to cats..


My daughter is allergic only to cats, dogs are fine.

Anyway, I can't imagine choosing an animal over someone I love.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's pretty obvious that their relationship had more issues than just a cat.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I was friends with a married couple.

The cats they had were...old. The thing I remember whenever I walked into their house was that it always smelled like cat urine.


These old cats started peeing, pooping and barfing all over stuff...clean laundry for choice.

The husband was very similar to the OP. He steadfastly refused to consider getting rid of them. His wife had the woman super power of 'acute sense of smell'.

No allergies, but frankly, their house smelled offensive and I can't imagine how disheartening it was to have to clean up that crap and replace stuff constantly.

She got rid of the cats...and almost lost her husband too.

She gave him two wonderful boys. She worked a job while he was a SAHD who collected a lot of toys...which he later sold at a profit granted.

I lost a lot of respect for him over that.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

totamm said:


> Why?
> 
> Because YOU think human relationships are more important than human animal relationships?
> 
> To each his own.


Am I taking crazy pills?

Humans > Animals

In every scenario there is.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Acorn said:


> I think the cat is doing the right thing here. Upping the alpha, manning up, and asserting boundaries to protect the relationship from the OH (other human).


LOL this is what I mean.

If an adult in a long term relationship can't prioritize Human over Cat or Human over Dog what hope does the human race have?

I mean, this is not rocket science.

I often hear people say that their animals are their babies. Nothing pisses me off more than that. No...I have real babies. No way in hell a dog or a cat is on the same level as they are. 

People think I hate animals because of this stance and nothing can be further from the truth. I LOVE animals. I just have the ability to make the distinction. And I don't understand people that can't.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

alte Dame said:


> This attitude gets old fast when you're having trouble breathing.


:iagree: I was at a friend's house and they had a dog. They were having issues with their computer locking up and asked me to take a look at it...after about 30 minutes I started feeling bad and they said that the room I was in was where the dog spent a lot of time. On the way home I was wheezing really bad, having trouble breathing and had to stop on the way and pick up an inhaler.

I did not develop allergies until I was 19...grew up with cats and dogs as pets and LOVED riding horses...would love to do that with my daughter, but it is just not worth it when you have bad allergies.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I've only read the first two pages, so my post here could be entirely irrelevant to the current discussion, but I just had to say this:

I'm a cat person. I absolutely love cats. LOVE them. But, I would never, ever, _ever_ choose a cat over the man I love, especially if he was allergic. I would much rather have a steady, long term relationship with a man than have a bunch of cats, especially if they're primarily outdoor. I really can not comprehend the idea of choosing an animal over a person I've been with for years. And my husband and I haven't even been together for five years, including our dating relationship, and I would still get rid of my cat if he wanted me to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Created2Write said:


> I would never, ever, _ever_ choose a cat over the man I love


But that's the point. Based on what she says, their relationship wasn't the be all to end all in the first place. I agree, if he's amazing and meeting all your needs and not Love Busting you, by all means, do what you need to make him happy. But if he's just being a jerk, in general (as she says), and now upping the ante to push for further changes on HER end...you gotta ask what the proper response is.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

turnera said:


> But that's the point. Based on what she says, their relationship wasn't the be all to end all in the first place. I agree, if he's amazing and meeting all your needs and not Love Busting you, by all means, do what you need to make him happy. But if he's just being a jerk, in general (as she says), and now upping the ante to push for further changes on HER end...you gotta ask what the proper response is.


I wouldn't choose an animal over an off and on relationship, either. He's still a human, and one she obviously likes at least a little bit to keep coming back to him over an eight year time frame. And at my husband's worst, he can be a jerk too. I would still choose the human. 

And, frankly, I'd probably act like a ***** if I felt my husband would choose his dog over me.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

animal 2011 said:


> The cats are very long haired. He is allergic to dogs too but not as bad. The cat allergies affect his breathing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he has trouble with his breathing because of his allergy and you're still not decided on this, you have serious issues with your attitude about the man you say you love.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> I wouldn't choose an animal over an off and on relationship, either. He's still a human, and one she obviously likes at least a little bit to keep coming back to him over an eight year time frame. And at my husband's worst, he can be a jerk too. I would still choose the human.
> 
> And, frankly, I'd probably act like a ***** if I felt my husband would choose his dog over me.


Thats two different things at once.There is no husband or wife choosing a dog over their spouse.

And the fact you would choose a human it sounds always over an animal..O.K I wouldn't ..I can think of situations that I would choose an animal over a human..hmm..lets say a "human" was attacking my child ..and my giant Rottweiler attacked the human that was attacking my child..would I kill my dog (the RIGHT one) to save the human ? no..Of course thats an extreme..but take it to less extremes..you can maybe see how someone would "prefer" an animal over a human..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*shrug* 

He's been accepting it for 8 years. Why the change NOW? 

Because he's having a 7-year itch, the PEA chemicals are long gone from their brains, and they just aren't that happy with each other any more. So now all the Love Busters they previously accepted come front and center to the relationship and are magnified to the point of them or me.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

turnera said:


> But that's the point. Based on what she says, their relationship wasn't the be all to end all in the first place. I agree, if he's amazing and meeting all your needs and not Love Busting you, by all means, do what you need to make him happy. But if he's just being a jerk, in general (as she says), and now upping the ante to push for further changes on HER end...you gotta ask what the proper response is.



MMM>..no..not for me..there are men out there (lots of them) that can love you and aren't "allergic" to cats..I guess if I lived in a really small town and pickings were slim???Maybe..But me?I would date a veternarian or someone I met volunteering to foster animals(they exist in #'s) ..or that I met in a dog park..its an "attraction" to me ..a man that loves animals..So I guess Im biased..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

turnera said:


> *shrug*
> 
> He's been accepting it for 8 years. Why the change NOW?
> 
> Because he's having a 7-year itch, the PEA chemicals are long gone from their brains, and they just aren't that happy with each other any more. So now all the Love Busters they previously accepted come front and center to the relationship and are magnified to the point of them or me.


Maybe she needs to pee on his head ? To mark her territory?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

What I am finding most fascinating about this thread is that the OP's SO is known to be dedicated to the OP... so much so that he unselfishly decided to try - FOR EIGHT YEARS - an arrangement with cats despite his dislike for them to keep the OP happy. 

Despite that, half the people on this thread are commenting in a manner that makes him seem like he's the worst partner ever.

He was flexible enough to try it with the cats. She's not flexible enough to try it without. Move on. They'll both find someone better suited to what they really want.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> so much so that he unselfishly decided to try - FOR EIGHT YEARS - an arrangement with cats despite his dislike for them to keep the OP happy.


Off and on? And now its get rid of the cats or him?That's not "unselfishly"...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> He was flexible enough to try it with the cats.


She was flexible enough to let a "jerk" (in ways not pertaining to allergies to cats) live with her off and on for 8 years..Umm now he wants her cats gone for his comfort..??

Wow...why does he keep coming around?I'm sure its his "
flexibility".. 

What a lucky duck she is..


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Acorn said:


> What I am finding most fascinating about this thread is that the OP's SO is known to be dedicated to the OP... so much so that he unselfishly decided to try - FOR EIGHT YEARS - an arrangement with cats despite his dislike for them to keep the OP happy.
> 
> Despite that, half the people on this thread are commenting in a manner that makes him seem like he's the worst partner ever.
> 
> He was flexible enough to try it with the cats. She's not flexible enough to try it without. Move on. They'll both find someone better suited to what they really want.


A-frigging-men!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

dallasapple said:


> She was flexible enough to let a "jerk" (in ways not pertaining to allergies to cats) live with her off and on for 8 years..Umm now he wants her cats gone for his comfort..??
> 
> Wow...why does he keep coming around?I'm sure its his "
> flexibility"..
> ...


He's the dedicated one. She's the non-committal one.

He's the one who tried the cats. She's the one who won't try it without.

This is all according to the OP's own words.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Thats two different things at once.There is no husband or wife choosing a dog over their spouse.


LOL. I know there isn't. I was making a comparison. My husband loves his dog. LOVES his dog. If I was allergic, and spent time in our relationship to try and make it through with the dog around, and found that I couldn't do it, and I told my husband that I couldn't live with the dog anymore, and he acted the way the OP is, I would be p!ssed. 



> And the fact you would choose a human it sounds always over an animal..O.K I wouldn't ..I can think of situations that I would choose an animal over a human..hmm..lets say a "human" was attacking my child ..and my giant Rottweiler attacked the human that was attacking my child..would I kill my dog (the RIGHT one) to save the human ? no..Of course thats an extreme..but take it to less extremes..you can maybe see how someone would "prefer" an animal over a human..


You know exactly what I meant. This argument is irrelevant. No one here is saying that animals are useless, or that no one should ever have dogs and cats. My point was that, if I had to choose between a pet and a loved one, I would always choose the loved one. But you knew that. 

It's sad that you would choose a pet over a loved one, though. But hey, it's your life. Your choice.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> ..Umm now he wants her cats gone for his comfort..??


This thread has very definite surreal qualities.

Since when is being able to breathe an issue of 'comfort'? If he's done the best he could for years and the physical effect is serious enough to cause strong allergic reactions, that's not a matter of comfort.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

I think we lost the OP..... No answer for who (owns/pays) rent on the house.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm a very committed animal lover; they have always been a part of my life and hopefully always will be. I support many animal welfare groups and I've taken in multiple shelter/stray cats and dogs and loved them deeply. In taking them in to my home and life I committed to providing the best possible lives for them and acting in their best interests. That being said, without getting into the whole "two legs good, four legs bad" debate, if I were faced with a dilemma similar to the OP's I would like to think that I would choose the health and well being of my significant other and come to a compromise that took into account the needs of all involved. I myself would not want to pump myself full of antihistamines/steroids, see allergists and get shots, and have difficulty breathing for the duration of the animal's life so I would not expect my partner to endure this either. And how fulfilling would my cats' lives be if my partner resented them and they were relegated to the garage and a permanent life outdoors where dangers abound (FIV, cars, other dogs, and animal hating humans, to name a few)? Realistically how much time would I spend with them outside? Companion animals need and deserve a lot of love and attention. Taking all of this into account, it would be very difficult but ultimately I would have to ask family members and close friends/co-workers if they could take the cats (or dogs in my case) with the offer that I would help pay for any necessary vet expenses to ensure their best care. This way I could visit them, give them love, and monitor their well being. My partner could breath a sigh of relief (literally) and I would know I did everything I could to create the best possible outcome for all animals involved (human or otherwise).

However, if I was ambivalent about my feelings for my partner, didn't see a long term commitment forthcoming from either myself or them, truly believed they were a "jerk" and didn't care about me or my needs, then I might choose the four legs over the two, and move on. But in all honesty the "cats or me" ultimatum would merely be the catalyst to take action for something I should have addressed long ago.

And with all due respect to you, Animal 2011, I mean no offense, but you say that you love your "fur babies" and don't think you can spend the rest of your life with them outdoors, yet you have successfully kept them outdoors for the time being and have even given away one your "babies" to a neighbor without any follow-up or inquiry into what became of her: "Oh and the 3rd cat was taken by a neighbor, don't know what they did to her. So now we just have 2". 

Sounds like the cats and your commitment to them vs. your SO is not the real issue here. Your dissatisfaction with your relationship and your inability to commit to it are the real problem. Whatever happens I wish you luck and hope you can come to a good solution for all involved.


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