# Can't deal with the OC and the whole affair



## Nani86 (Apr 18, 2013)

So after finding out my husband of 2 years had 2 affairs!!!!! One online with some random girl he never met and another one where he fathered a child that happens to be just a month older than our son ( currently 4 months old).
I decided I can't deal with this other kid. I know and understand it is nit his fault, and I feel awful bc this kid was born with special needs as he is deaf. This OW is the worst ( aren't they all?) but this one seriously is. My husband is no saint, and if she got oregnant on purpose that doesn not change anything bc he still decided to go have unprotected sex with her.
But anyway, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. One day i feel angry and mad and just want to hurt him and hurt her (if you see my other post you'll se she is an illegal immigrant) so i want her to get fired or deported or whatever. The next day i feel like is 100% his fault and i want to hurt him emotionally... I feel like i want to just run away and cheat on him so he knows how it feels... Next thing i know i feel bad again about all of it and blame myself because of how our marriage was not in a good place last year when he had these affairs. So it has been not fun at sll coping with all these mixed emotions.
But i came down to this (and again you'll need to read the other post to understand wuite better ) but i decided i dont want this other child in our lives, it is not fair and it won't do any good to my familyz, my sons don't need to know what his dad did and i sure dont want my famiy to know about it either. She got and stayed pregnan on purpose. I understand he has to oay child suppoirt and all that, but he doesnt want to know about this kid either (i kniw he sounds like the worst man in the world and he is ni saint) but he is ashamed of what he did and he had like a really bad realationship with this woman. She is an alcoholic and i just found out that she knew he was married the whole time! I talked to her and confronted hr about it in a mature decent way. Never offended her, never said anything bad to her. But this woman just filed for child support because she is on welfare and they told her she had to file for child support (of course the gov doesnt want to give money to anybody, specially illegal immigrants) so she told me she kust wants the miney, she doesnt want him to be in the kids life, but if he files for custody too snd the judge says he has rights over this child then she'll be ok with it.
She is taking him to court, they have to appear in court next month. She knows that if she ever faces deportation that child will stay with my husband since he is the father and would have custody too. She said thats her worse fear. So i told her that if all she wanted was the money we coud make an agreement in which he had nothing to do with the kid but he would still pay for diapers, food, wipes and clothing. She told me she was going to let me know. 
My life is a mess right niw, i forgave him and for some reason he thinks we can act like nothing ever happen. He jokes around, he takes the kids to the playground, goes for take out food, and pretty much it feels like nothing happen. I told him we were going to work things out, but i dont think he has the right to be so happy aroud the house. As i feel right now i just want to leave his ass to see if he realizes that he has to deal with this too. 
I want to make myself feel better thinking that this kid is also better off knowing his dads. That he doesnt need to kniw his mom was with a marreid man and this man still decided to stay with his family. Nut i dont ow if that is true. 
Am I awful because I dont want this kid in our family? I really dnt want to hurt my children by kniwing what his dad did. Please help!


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

Sorry that you find yourself here and in this situation.

You are doing all the work, and should not be. There is no free pass for your H here!

My view is that no matter what you think or feel, no matter what the OW thinks or feels, no matter what your H thinks or feels - the only thing that matters is the welfare of the child.

I would get a paternity test to be sure that it is your H's, and if so, tell your H that he IS responsible for the child, and should pay the child support, and be involved in the welfare of the child. If the OW is deported, then you will have to make the choice of what to do - you should either accept it into your family or divorce H and let him be a single dad to it, along with shared custody of your kids.

This is one of the rare situations that I advocate getting over yourselves and focusing on something outside of your marriage. Apportioning blame matters not here - the best interests of the child is all that matters.

Good Luck!


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

This woman will not be deported, she has an anchor baby now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry about your very awful situation.

Has a DNA test verified your husband is the kids father?

Why are you staying with your husband? In the short time you've been married he's now cheated twice and he has ZERO remorse about cheating. So why are you staying? The chances are good he will cheat again , he may even father yet more kids. 

Is he super rich? Is he the best lover? We can rule out best husband since he failed that one.

So why are you staying with him?


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

No matter what people are going to tell you here:

Your husband has to pay child support. That is it. He doesn't have to see the OW or the child. Neither do you. 

So that is your choice. And good luck to you.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well you sound torn between staying with him or helping him deal with a situation he put himself in. Not sure why your doing either to be honest. 2 years and your already dealing with this?? Show him the street and move on for your own piece of sanity/respect. I just cant see how any of this can get you to a better place. I know its a confusing time, and it hurts to say the least, but you'll never be able to trust him anymore anyways. What kind of marriage is that?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

If you can't deal with the child then divorce your husband. Not dealing with the child is not dealing with the affair. On top of that this is a special needs child which will need more time, money, effort from both parents. You can't separate your Reconciliation with your husband from the consequences of his divorce.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Wow, your H cheated twice within 2 years of marriage? Your still supposed to be in your honeymoon period. I think you really need to consider if the marriage is worth saving or if its best to get out now while you are young.
This woman and child won't be going away anytime soon and your H should pay her child support. You said it's not his fault? Then whose fault is it?
I'm sorry but I think you have a serial cheater on your hands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Nani86 said:


> I want to make myself feel better thinking that this kid is also better off knowing his dads. That he doesnt need to kniw his mom was with a marreid man and this man still decided to stay with his family. Nut i dont ow if that is true.
> Am I awful because I dont want this kid in our family? I really dnt want to hurt my children by kniwing what his dad did. Please help!


How are your kids going to feel when they find out they have a brother they never met? Your husband is tied to this woman due to being the father of her baby, same as he is tied to you by being the father of your baby. Especially because the other child is going to need more medical care due to his deafness, thus more financial and possibly other involvement by your husband, it seems to me likely that at some point your children are going to find out that they have a brother somewhere.

What are they going to think about you and your husband when they find this out and they then find out that your husband basically disowned this child, except for support payments?

You have a responsibility to your children. Your husband has a responsibility to his children.

Things can be explained later by saying "I was young, confused, going through a bad time, made some bad decisions," etc. - but he won't be able to explain it away later that he did not take care of and love his own child over the entire course of his childhood.

It is a bad situation for you. Your children will grow up and they will be able to understand someday that your husband made a bad decision and cheated and unfortunately the other woman got pregnant. They probably will not understand that he did not love and support his own child.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You really owe it to yourself to see a professional counselor who has experience in family problems such as yours to help you think through all the possibilities and long-term outcomes.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The OC will always be there as long as you are married to this creep. Whatever agreement you make with her is only as good as her word. How good is that?

Forget about the cheating for a minute and think about this; the very idea that your husband is content to completely ignore his very own child should tell you all you need to know about his sense of loyalty and sense of honor. 


I hope and pray you never have a long term illness or suffer a disability during your marriage and have to rely on his loyalty and honor to take care of you. 

Why in the world did you choose this skunk? Okay, you made a mistake marrying him and you made a mistake having children with him. So far, you've made one mistake after another - all in the name of love. Stop making mistakes. 

Don't run away.

Don't have an affair.

Don't make a deal with the OW.

TELL your cheating husband to leave. Tell him to take care of his responsibilities. To you, your child, AND the OC.

Get an annulment. Find someone "boring". You tried the player. Now find a stayer.


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