# unsure



## Rhee (Mar 13, 2013)

I found this site by accident on pintrest but it seems like a "safe" place for reasonably unbiased advise. Im 23 and DH and I have been married for going on 4 years and been together for nearly 6 and have 2 beautiful children that are 1 and 2 years old. 

backstory: i didn't date a whole lot in hs because i was related to half of the town I lived in and had self esteem issues (what kid doesnt). DH and i met when we worked for the same vendor at the Renaissance festival, we were both dating other people at the time but there was a definate connection between us that we both felt. My beau at the time was crazy possessive to the point that i was sittting on his lap at lunch and we didn't last long because of that. half way throughthe 2 month festival we were both single and spent as much time together as we could before and after work but making out backstage was as far as it went at the time. the festival ended and I didn't hear from him for months untill late one night i get a random text from a number i dont recognise... it was DH. We start a whirlwind long distance relationship since we live 80+ miles apart I go to his Sr. prom since he's a year ahead of me his parents wont let him come to mine since they don't like me we work the Ren fest together again the next year except hes still with the vendor and I'm now on cast and durring rehearsals he asks me to marry him, I say yes, our parents are pissed yadda yadda yadda...he graduates in 07 anf leaves for the Army, urring bootcamp mails me a letter written to another female detailing how he wants to bang her but it's addressed to me, i'm heart broken and durring his next call I read him the riot act he grovels and appologises i accept and we go on with our relationship. He gets stationed in Korea for my Sr year and I graduate in 08 and start working and going to community college he comes back stateside and finds out he leaves for iraq for a tour in 6ish months so he talks me into moving up the wedding by about 5 years and getting married before he deploys. We have a double wedding with my sister and her husband and "honeymoon" in NY while we do all the paperwork the military requires before he leaves. Durring the deployment I do my thing going to school full time and being a college student. After he comes home I quickly find myself pregnant along with about half the spouses in his unit, we weren't actively trying to get pregnant but we weren't using protection either. My pregnancy is hellish with me being diagnosed with severe Hypermesis Gravideum (sp?) early on. DH has never been good with money and after he got home went through what I had saved for us while he was deployed. So I'm in NY pregnant, sick and malnourished from my pregnancy and miserable because we are broke. Our son is born in april 2011 a week later hubby is discharged and a week after that we move cross country back home. just after baby is born we findout my dad has been found passed out in the bathroom in his house and has been there since i has spoken to him the day i delivered my son and is banging on deaths door. he had a glioblastoma brain tumor and pressure sores that went to the bone from the toilet seat and passes away 6 weeks after we return home. Looking back now I can see there was ample depression going on with everything life threw on my plate at one time including fighting with siblings over the fact that i am the youngest and was my fathers power of attourney and primary benificiary, dh not having a job and thus us having no income at the time except what my family helped us out with. Having little to no help from DH with the baby because he was and still is afraid of "dealing with them by {him}myself". a month after Daddy passed we found out i was pregnant again... oops :/. we can't afford to continue renting dads house where were living so we moved in with my aunt/uncle. Given the situation I didn't adapt/cope well to my having and caring for my son and caring for and losing my dad in such a small window of time will always regret that and be thankful that I have a wonderful mother-in-law who stepped up and helped me when DH didn't. 

Fast forward 10-ish months... baby girl is born premature due to an emergency induction for a seperated placenta. DH has still not found steady work and we're living almost solely of the money I inherited from my dad and it's drying up quickly. Not long after giving birth to our second I discover he's had an affair with a female i used to be close friends with and that there wasalso an affair with an ex of his shortly after we moved home and that the famale had a child and that there was a question as to who her father was, she wasn't DH's but i saw in the text that he was "sad but relieved" to find out she wasn't his. WTF!?!!?!? I kicked him out but hormones won out over logic and i took him back again.

Now... I haven't had an orgasm from my husband in nearly 3 years now since he came home aside from a few nights when i was very drunk after having friends over for dinner (there were DD that werent drinking and kids were with grandma for the weekend) and sex while pregnant was horribly painful for me. I find things about him that either I just didn't notice before we married or that i thought he'd grow out of or just didnt bother me now annoy the crap out of me. I also find that I'm just not attracted to him, he started dipping in korea and it disgusts me to the point that i can barely kiss him on the mouth but he refuses to even attempt to quit dipping, he's a slob... most of the time he feels more like my 3rd child than my spouse, everytime i confront him about anything he gets defensive and tries to turn it back around on me, especially since we agreed that i would stay home with te kids since we both hate the thought of day care and he tries to accuse me of sitting on my butt all day doing nothing like the house cleans itself, meals make themselves and the kids change their own diapers. He spends money we can't really afford on crap we dont need like facebook games so we're struggling financially. He is very secretive and freaks out if i ask to borrow his phone or computer for any reaeson. He spends all his free time in the back yard playing at his newest "hobby" of being a blacksmith so getting him to help with kids or chores is even more like pulling teeth. he whines and complains like a 4 year old about the chores he has, dishes, trash/recycling and cleaning the cat boxes and just picking up after himself and if he's not reminded constantly it will "slip his mind" and jot get done. He complains when i ask him to spend time with kids and I that he can't and that I don't know how much work he has to do for school and work HA!!! he's only takign 12 hours of freshman courses and works security on the weekends sitting in a gaurd shack watching movies and twiddling his thumbs... I was taking 21 hours of courses, working full time and supporting him before we even married while he was in korea because he sucks with money and blew his pay as soon as he got it (should have been a huge red flag). 

I think that pretty much sums up the bulk of it. I love him as he's the father of my children and generally a simi-decent person but I'm not in love with him anymore. He wont go to counseling and has said as much before when it was brought up and we can't afford it anyway. I wan't out but i know that if I leave him that A) its going to hurt the kids, especially baby girl because he can't handle caring for just one by himself muchless both of them, B) even his family say that he can't function without me, really not my problem since he an adult ( I hesitate to call him a grown man since hes more like a dependant child most of the time) C) I truthfully believe he would so something stupid and possibly dangerous if/when i leave. D) I'm afraid, I went from living with my dad and being only somewhat independant to being married and then pregnant and almost completely dependant. I know both his and my family would help as much as they can but I hate to ask for it since many of them have already helped me/us so much already. E) my parents divorced when i was about 3 and I don't want them to have to go back and forth between houses like i did for so many years growing up. I don't want to hurt him, most of the time anyway but I'm tired of being unhappy and feel like he's at the core of that issue. thoughts?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

There are so many problems here.

You need to put your foot don't, and tell him, "Our relationship, isn't working any more, cannot continue to be with you as things are."

Insist on finding the money for counselling and going along. If he refuses then move on, because it takes two people to make a relationship work and you cannot do it alone. 

He has all ready cheated once. he's secretive, you are not attracted to him, and he's bad with money and childish with bad hygene to boot.

I know you don't want your children to be hurt, but you don't want to be stuck being some ones mother. 

Start doing some things for your self, do some study or get a qualification, so when the time comes to move on you are ready.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh my gosh... Dear one, you are the poster child child for reasons not to marry young.

There is no changing your husband. He is childish, immature, and punitive. Any man who dips, can't possible expect any woman to kiss him! YUCK! 

He dips on purpose, He ****s other women on purpose. He doesn't help you with HIS kids on purpose. He doesn't have a JOB on purpose. He is spending your fathers money... On purpose.

Kick his worthless backside to the curb and don't look back. He will never grow up and will only bring your more trouble and heart ache. Children will do just fine without seeing this worthless man as a father figure. In fact, they'll probably do better without him in their lives. Do you really want your son to think this man is what men are supposed to be like? You want your son to grow up to be just like Daddy? Pleasesaynopleasesaynopleasesayno!

Now, why would you want a man like that in your bed? There are so many good decent loving men out there and you find the most worthless piece of garbage... What would your Dad think? If your daughter grew up and had a husband like yours, what would you think?

Tell him to get out then file for custody and child support. Force him to get a job and pay up. Nd if he can't, his Mommy and Daddy can pay up!

Don't make me reach through this computer screen!!!!!


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