# young and ignorant



## frustratio (Jul 3, 2012)

Both my wife and I are 24 years old and have been married for 16 months. Our marriage has been awful. We married after only 7 months of dating and i married because she was/still is a good woman with a joyful heart and great values. My attraction level to her is medium at best and We never really had anything in common at all and come from two completely different homes. I have been in counseling since the first month of marriage and i still am to this day. Starting next month I'm going to be put on a mild depression pill due to my counselors "better" judgement. 

I know how to make and keep her happy but i can honestly say that i have never been "in love" with her and sadly I wish i didn't marry her. I have read many many books on marriage and know that the "in love" feeling is just a stage which is why i thought marriage would still be feasible since you lose it any ways. There are many more details but i believe this can be starting point to some advice from happily married couples.

I do not want to get a divorce because of the commitment i made, it would devastate her, my family, and i do care for her.

I completely guard my mind/heart against pornography, other woman and unfair expectations. I am absolutely miserable and wish to create a flourishing marriage. 

We have always had date nights. 
We have no financial problems.
We have complete trust in each other.

We are POLAR opposites. 

I just don't get it.

Please ask questions and give advice thank you!


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## Liveagoodlife (Jun 8, 2012)

im not quite sure what it is your asking :scratchhead:


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Hows the sex life? 
What attracted you to her in the first place?
Have you ever had a spark between one another?


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## frustratio (Jul 3, 2012)

Im asking what my next step should be in creating a romance that never existed or if its even possible.


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## frustratio (Jul 3, 2012)

@gaia

She was virgin when we married (i wasn't)
When it does happen its good as long as i don't compare it to anything in the past. Its always has been once a week and routine. I just don't have a drive for her. I don't have any sexual issues as i was very active with my previous gf. What attracted me to her in the first place was that she is very encouraging and is very trust worthy (she still is)

*Never had a spark


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Once a week and routine... do you know if she is open to trying new things? Maybe trying more then once a week? On these date nights ... is it ... pretty routine too?


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## Liveagoodlife (Jun 8, 2012)

you have never had romance between the two of you, and you have never had a spark between the two of you, im sorry but i have to ask the obvious, why did you marry her?


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## frustratio (Jul 3, 2012)

She isn't very open to new things. She only wants to do one position and only wants to have sex in our bed as long as its not right after work or right before anything. Dates are mostly routine but not always


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## frustratio (Jul 3, 2012)

@liveagoodlife I had recently become a christian and it was my first God centered relationship and had a lot of voices in my head saying to marry her. I felt it was the right thing to do and that it would work out. Yes I was poorly informed and ignorant as the title says but i wish too right my wrong.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

So.. you discussed trying new things with her already? Have you ever surprised her with anything? Such as... just grabbing her and kissing her? If so... how did she react?


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## frustratio (Jul 3, 2012)

Yes I've discussed it with her. Ive bought her two books on sex as well that my counselor recommended. Grabbing her and kissing her works well as long as its at the right time. After being shot down multiple times and having a poor relationship my sex drive has dwindled. Any books you recommend?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Of course... you have been married for 16 months... and she was a virgin upon marrying. I'd say... give it a bit of time... she is probably insecure so she is sticking to what feels safe for her. You could try some baby steps in bringing her out of her comfort zone and bringing in the fire of passion you two need. Which books have you got her? I know... people here recommend... Married mans sex life... i think that's what it's called.... Not sure if it would help.. but it may be worth a try?


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## frustratio (Jul 3, 2012)

The act of marriage by tim and beverly lahaye and intended for pleasure by ed and gaye wheat. I will check it out. Thank you.


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## frustratio (Jul 3, 2012)

Is it The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol kay?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Yes i believe so.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Frust, what exactly do you expect a marriage to be like? How is yours different from that ideal?


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## frustratio (Jul 3, 2012)

Hmmm. I guess I expected marriage to be very similar to my parents. Working towards a common goal. Enjoying the same things together. Lots of affection/dog walking/bike riding/movie watching. My wife doesn't enjoy the things i do. Do you think thats an unfair expectation?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Breaking Down The Sexually Shy Wife | Married Man Sex Life Here is some good advice about handling a shy wife.

You cannot force attraction.

Why did you marry your wife so quickly when you barely knew her?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I doubt your parents had as perfect a marriage as you may think frustratio but to be honest... yes it is a tad unfair. Marriages often take alot of work and dedication to stay healthy.


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## frustratio (Jul 3, 2012)

@ first year thank you for the link. @gaia i never claimed they had a perfect marriage. No one does. I just feel the lack of common interest among many other things. My parents have been married for a very long time. I would never expect a new marriage to look as vibrant as a seasoned, healthy marriage.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I can understand how frustrating a lack of common anything can be lol and i know you didn't claim they had a perfect marriage but to compare yours and theirs is putting ALOT of expectation which can bring about ALOT of disappointment. Perhaps you two can ignite a flame from those differences you have and hopefully find something in common. Even if you can't... there can still be hope i think.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Then is it _romantic love_, you are looking for?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

frustratio said:


> Im asking what my next step should be in creating a romance that never existed or if its even possible.


 Really easy. Buy these two books. Read the first one together and do the worksheets in them (Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires). Use the second one ON each other (give each other an invitation, one each week):

His Needs Her Needs
Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (9780800719388): Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books

52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex
Amazon.com: 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick (9780974259918): Laura Corn: Books


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree with Turnera, "His Needs, Her Needs" is an excellent book. It's one to base you marriage on. 

If it's romantic love and intimacy your looking for. I would also so suggest "Passionate Marriage" and "Intimacy and Desire" By Dr David Schnach. Since she is not experienced and your both young , these are easy helps. 

Passionate Marriage | PassionateMarriage

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also remember that a 25 year old (or thereabouts) doesn't necessarily feel like an adult. I still felt guilty having sex with my husband when I was 30, and I'd been married 9 years!


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