# wife is texting another man and she thinks it is ok



## confused1977

A little history. My wife is a nurse and I am a firefighter. My wife was texting a guy over 150 times and having long conversations. I new something was up and wrote her a letter and she blew it off saying nothing was wrong. I paid the phone bill last month and noticed lots of texting and phone calls while I was at work the conversations were only happened when I was not home. So i looked up the number and found out it was another guy. I told her I was leaving. She begged me to stay and told me nothing happened. I do believe her but I can not accept that she still sees this guy at work. I did contact this guy and told him to stop talking to my wife. They both promised me nothing happened and I do think nothing happened. She called him also and said we can not talk. The guys is happily married is what he said. dont know what to do. We are going to start counseling soon.


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## BjornFree

Have you checked her phone messages? 

What info do you have apart from the phone bill?

Install a keylogger on your computer. Go through her emails. This is an emotional affair, minimum. But since they work together you can work under the assumption that its gone physical already.

They still work together right?

Have you exposed what you have to the other man's wife yet?
If you want to collect more evidence, play dumb and do some black ops. Once you have enough evidence you should give the other man's wife whatever you have. 

But your wife and the other man will be in complete damage control mode and erase evidence. Take her phone check her messages, if she's deleted them chances are that she's hiding a lot more than she's letting on right now.


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## aug

Dont tell your wife you're going to do this or she'll warn him and get you painted as a nutcase. Find the other man's wife and let her know what's going on. You'll then have another set of eyes on your wife and the other man.

Buy 2 or 3 voice activated recorders (VAR) and plant one in her car, the others in the house so you can catch her conversations with the other man. This should give you some idea if she's telling the truth about sex with the other man.

If she wants to save the marriage, she needs to find another job now. Should be easy for a nurse.


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## anchorwatch

Good for you puting your foot down on this one. There are only two in a marriage, not three. 

You'll need to investigate and monitor for further details and time periods. Of course they can no longer work together. Inform his wife, she'll keep him busy on his end. Think about exposure at work, if needed.

Get Dr Glass's "Not Just Friends" and check out the website too. 
Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

You got here for a reason, look for it. 

Get "His Needs, Her Needs" too. 

Stay strong, calm, but resolved. You've done well seting your boundries. Keep it up.

READ THIS!!!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## SomedayDig

confused1977 said:


> The guys is happily married is what he said.


Then let him know you'll be contacting his wife to let her know they are just "chatting".


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## The Middleman

Here are a few things you need to do, all of which are going to take some balls (but you're a firefighter so that's not an issue):

Contact the other man's wife and tell her what was going on and that you spoke to her husband. She needs to know and he has to suffer a little.
Disconnect the texting service on your wife's phone for a while. Tell her it's part of the terms of reconciliation until your comfortable with her behavior. I wouldn't give her an option, but if that doesn't fly then you have to have full access to her phone, complete with key-logger.
Consider that your wife will have to change jobs. As long as they are working together, there is no guaranteeing they are not hooking up.


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## anchorwatch

Watch out for a cheap second phones now. As the others suggested, put a VAR under the seat of her car and in the house when your out. Verify everything.


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## tom67

Tell the other man's wife TODAY and get a var for her car and one in the house.


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## the guy

VAR (voice activated recorder) is your best bet in finding out if they truely have stopped all contact. I suggest you get some velcrow tape and plant it under her car seat.

Also the best way to save this thing is contacting the OMW (other mans wife) then the both of you can keep an eye on things, in addition most likely the Om will throw your wife under the bus to save his own marriage...showing your wife what kind of guy her really is.

Its sucks but she sould find another place to work cuz every time she sees the Om at work those warm a fuzzy feels will come back and will make it that much harder to recommit to the marriage.

I hope you under stand that these tactic are ment to make your wife face the consequences for her poor choices. Cuz with out consequences bad behavior will continue.


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## PHTlump

confused1977 said:


> She begged me to stay and told me nothing happened. I do believe her but I can not accept that she still sees this guy at work.


You believe her? Really? She was texting him 5 times a day in addition to having long conversations? That is a relationship. I bet she doesn't even communicate with YOU that much.

Do you remember in high school when you would have long conversations with your girlfriend at all hours? That's what your wife was doing with another man. The emotions you used to experience in high school were the ones she was experiencing with him.

That doesn't necessarily mean that she was screwing him. But I would be awfully suspicious. Has your wife changed her sexual behavior with you recently? Any new lingerie, positions, or an increase, or decrease, in libido? Those are all red flags for a physical affair.



> I did contact this guy and told him to stop talking to my wife. They both promised me nothing happened and I do think nothing happened. She called him also and said we can not talk. The guys is happily married is what he said. dont know what to do. We are going to start counseling soon.


You really had two choices, and you didn't do either. First, you could have laid low and investigated to find out exactly what was happening. Use voice-activated recorders (VAR) where she would talk to him (car/bedroom), keyloggers on your computers to spy on emails and Facebook messages, and spyware on her phone to eavesdrop on her conversations and GPS track her. This would allow you to see exactly what you're dealing with without them getting spooked and taking things underground.

Second, you could have gone caveman, assumed the worst, and moved immediately to end it. You would have exposed the affair to his wife and mandated that your wife must walk the straight and narrow, with frequent checkins with you.

You tried to split the middle and, as a result, you haven't moved decisively to end the affair and you haven't investigated to know what they were doing. In response to a response such as yours, some affairs will simply go underground.

So, you now need to expose to his wife with the evidence you do have, which is for an emotional affair, and investigate without tipping off your wife. Act like you trust her. Maybe she is remorseful and has ended her affair. But you have to know for sure.

Good luck.


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## confused1977

The texting and talking stopped as soon as I had a chat with the wife. I pay the bills I know the guys number so that part is done. But they still work together and that sucks. I should have told his wife. Its been over a month now and she thinks its no big deal because she said yes it was wrong for me to be texting and talking to another guy but I did nothing to cheat on you.


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## anchorwatch

confused1977 said:


> But they still work together and that sucks.
> 
> *Then they still talk.*
> 
> I should have told his wife.
> 
> *Their still in contact. Tell the OMW*
> 
> Its been over a month now and she thinks its no big deal because she said yes it was wrong for me to be texting and talking to another guy but I did nothing to cheat on you.
> 
> *She was/is enjoying another man's company in secret!
> 
> Read the book " Not Just Friends".*


You're behind the curve. You need to educate yourself. Do the reads I gave you, and follow the advice given by the others.


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## anchorwatch

How was the intimacy before you found out?

How is it since you found out?

More reading by another member...

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay


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## movin on

Contact the guys wife and whatever you do do not tell your wife you are doing so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man

The Middleman said:


> Here are a few things you need to do, all of which are going to take some balls (but you're a firefighter so that's not an issue):
> 
> Contact the other man's wife and tell her what was going on and that you spoke to her husband. She needs to know and he has to suffer a little.
> Disconnect the texting service on your wife's phone for a while. Tell her it's part of the terms of reconciliation until your comfortable with her behavior. I wouldn't give her an option, but if that doesn't fly then you have to have full access to her phone, complete with key-logger.
> Consider that your wife will have to change jobs. As long as they are working together, there is no guaranteeing they are not hooking up.


This^^^right there, in the exact order.

Also I think she may need some personal counselling sessions and maybe both of you MC.
She may not have had a physical affair, but she is actively seeking validation from multiple men outside of the marriage relationship.
If that problem is not addressed, she will eventually have sexual relations outside of the marriage.


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## jaquen

Good grief.

Look do what others are saying if you suspect, in your gut, that she's cheating.

But if you look, and find nothing, then let it go. Contrary to popular belief here on TAM, land of the jumped gun, your wife might actually, GASP, just have a friend. I know, shocking.

I have a female friend. Met her in university. Gorgeous woman too. Nothing whatsoever has ever, ever happened between us. We've had periods of gchating for hours, as we did long before I was married or she was engaged. I love and consider her a close friend. My wife use to work with an older man who has become like family to her. She visits him and his wife whenever she gets the chance to when she travels back home. They are very close. Neither of us are having affairs, but if I laid out the specifics here on TAM we'd both get the "buy a VAR/confirm cheating" talk.

Could your wife be falling into an affair? Absolutely, especially if she has a history of infidelity. But also keep in mind that a lot of people have good, close opposite sex friends that are NOT threats to their marriage. This isn't a popular view here on TAM, but I don't care. You deserve to get another viewpoint, and if your wife has no history of infidelity, she deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Flame away TAM.


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## MrK

confused1977 said:


> The guys is happily married is what he said.


Not going to read any more. Just make sure his happy little wifey knows the extent of the affair. She'll know what to do and have the balls to do it. 

I can GUARANTEE she doesn;t know the extent of this "friendship".


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## TBT

jaquen;227990I have a female friend. Met her in university. Gorgeous woman too. Nothing whatsoever has ever said:


> No flame,but it appears like you've been completely above board with your relationships.Maybe I'm wrong,but the OP seemed to have no real inkling that his wife had a close friend of this nature.In my mind,it kind of begs the question,why?


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## MrK

jaquen said:


> Contrary to popular belief here on TAM, land of the jumped gun, your wife might actually, GASP, just have a friend. I know, shocking.


That. It's not like she only talks to him when you're not around. Plus, the only time they have time to chat is by phone because she never gets to see him...

...what's that? She DOES only talk and text when hubby is not around? They see each other ALL DAY!!

Come ON Jaquen. There is nothing even REMOTELY innocent about all of this.


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## mule kick

TBT said:


> No flame,but it appears like you've been completely above board with your relationships.Maybe I'm wrong,but the OP seemed to have no real inkling that his wife had a close friend of this nature.In my mind,it kind of begs the question,why?


I think I know. She has a job where she spends a lot of time talking to a lot of people her husband doesn't know. 150 messages is a lot for 1 day but almost nothing for a month. People do use text messaging a lot nowadays for communication of all kinds, not just secretive affairs. I find it difficult to label this an affair of any kind. 

OP just tell her you'd like to be there if they talk again. Maybe, just maybe he's just a decent guy with a decent wife and you could have a normal friendship. Of course she would do what you ask when it comes to other men but what kind of life do you have together if you need to keep her under wraps at all times?


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## PHTlump

jaquen said:


> I have a female friend. ... Nothing whatsoever has ever, ever happened between us. ... My wife use to work with an older man who has become like family to her. ... Neither of us are having affairs, but if I laid out the specifics here on TAM we'd both get the "buy a VAR/confirm cheating" talk.


You probably would. But I think you misunderstand the logic behind the advice. We're not saying that 100% of opposite sex friendships lead to affairs. We're saying that many do and many more are risks for affairs.

I imagine that, if your marriage went down the tubes at the same time your platonic girlfriend's marriage went down the tubes, some of your calls/chats might get a little too personal and lead to something. That's the danger.

5 out of 6 people who play Russian Roulette win the game with no ill effects. That doesn't really mean that people who advise against playing are overreacting.


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## PHTlump

mule kick said:


> I find it difficult to label this an affair of any kind.


His wife has already admitted it was inappropriate and agreed to end her communication outside of work. So I think we can all agree that it was inappropriate.

Her claims of innocence seem to be based on the fact that she didn't get naked with the guy. That doesn't mean that it wasn't a problem. People rarely start affairs by getting naked. They usually start affairs by talking for hours.


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## mule kick

PHTlump said:


> His wife has already admitted it was inappropriate and agreed to end her communication outside of work. So I think we can all agree that it was inappropriate.
> 
> Her claims of innocence seem to be based on the fact that she didn't get naked with the guy. That doesn't mean that it wasn't a problem. People rarely start affairs by getting naked. They usually start affairs by talking for hours.


Yes and what I'm saying is it doesn't appear they talked for hours. I'm more concerned about the level of jealousy by the husband becoming detrimental for the marriage. Will she ever find a job where no men are working? You kind of have to be socially apt to be successful as a nurse and that does entail talking to and even liking people on more than a superficial level. I know, the stereotype is nurses and teachers cheat. I'm just saying if he asks her to be something she is not in order to stay married, that may be self-defeating.


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## richie33

My wife is nurse and is always texting her coworkers. Male and female. Its always work related.
They are constantly looking out for one another and changing shifts. Is this possible what is happening?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

We have made our points. 

I think confused1977 will decide what the situation is, based on what he sees and all our advice.


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## doubletrouble

Seems the trust issue is based not so much on jealousy as it is there was a secret set of conversations going on. That tends towards the shady side of the tracks, especially where the friend is of the opposite sex.


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## PHTlump

mule kick said:


> Yes and what I'm saying is it doesn't appear they talked for hours.


The OP reported that they had long conversations. I'm not sure exactly how long the conversations were.



> I'm more concerned about the level of jealousy by the husband becoming detrimental for the marriage.


If the OP had written that he was jealous of several of the men at her work, I think you would have a better case for being concerned. But he didn't. He wrote that he was only worried about one man, in particular, who his wife was texting and having long conversations with while he was at work.

And his wife has admitted that the conversations were wrong. So I think he's probably on firm ground.



> Will she ever find a job where no men are working? You kind of have to be socially apt to be successful as a nurse and that does entail talking to and even liking people on more than a superficial level. I know, the stereotype is nurses and teachers cheat. I'm just saying if he asks her to be something she is not in order to stay married, that may be self-defeating.


I don't think she needs a job in a convent, or has to refuse all social interaction with the people she works with. She just has to do a better job of respecting proper boundaries between her work on home lives. Having boundaries doesn't mean suppressing one's basic personality.


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## jaquen

PHTlump said:


> You probably would. But I think you misunderstand the logic behind the advice. We're not saying that 100% of opposite sex friendships lead to affairs. We're saying that many do and many more are risks for affairs.


Absolutely. A point I conceded in my original post. 



PHTlump said:


> I imagine that, if your marriage went down the tubes at the same time your platonic girlfriend's marriage went down the tubes, some of your calls/chats might get a little too personal and lead to something. That's the danger.


Nope. Met her in university in my early 20's during a break from my relationship with my then girlfriend (now wife). Was free to date others, and still didn't because that's how much I love this woman. This woman was gorgeous, but I never made a move, and never wanted to make a move. She was, is, and always will be just a friend. The nature of our friendship has never shifted based off the status of our romantic entanglements.

Some people are "just friends". 



PHTlump said:


> 5 out of 6 people who play Russian Roulette win the game with no ill effects. That doesn't really mean that people who advise against playing are overreacting.


And I don't believe you should spend life shrouded in paranoia and mistrust just because that one time MIGHT bite you. 

Look, I'm not going to be responsible for derailing this thread. I stand beyond what I said. It's up to the OP to decide if it has any merit or not.

Good luck OP!


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## weightlifter

UGH!!!! STOP STOP STOP. NO MORE CONFRONTATIONS!!!! you are sending her underground. STOP IT!

Sony ICDPX312 VAR. Best Buy has them. Dont settle for less!!!!! The sony is 50 dollars. The 30 dollar ones are poo.
Install one: Under her car seat attached with heavy duty velcro from Walmart. ATTACH IT FIRMLY.
Use Audacity a free program from the net to remove engine noise etc. You can bring up voices, remove background noise etc. Ive used it in VAR work for other men and it works very well.
Install the other: wherever she talks in the house.
Possible third: Bedroom
Head to CWI forum. We are specialists there. Grim place. Most of us honestly hate being right all the time. But we are right about 95+% of the time.
Warnings:
I have about 15 busted wives under my belt now in 7 mos. You have approximately a 90% chance of an EA and 66% chance of a full fvcking affair (PA) STEEL YOUR MIND TO THIS POSSIBILITY!!! Also do not accuse her of more than you know and can prove she has done.
VERY IMPORTANT: If you are listening to a VAR and you hear another man get into her car or in your home... STOP LISTENING and have a trusted friend listen for you. KNOWING your wife is cheating will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will kill you 100 times over!!!!

She may well have a burner phone. Just do the var thing. If she starts going out more get the ezoom gps from radio shack.

Jaq its about odds. SOME people do maintain a platonic relationship... MANY dont. What is going on is Player 101. It could be innocent. Odds are... its not.

Even if this guy is not a player it often works innocent texting -> complaining about spouse -> women LOVE being paid attention to so they go a bit further -> pics ->PIV. I know one where texting went to sexting almost right away but did not go PIV for about 8 months.


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## Garry2012

He may be a friend, but he may not. I totally agree, no more confrontations. 

I think you have to take a step back and look at your wife's actions. There are friendships, where you talk occationally etc. But when there is deception, secrecy, over indulgence in conversation..it certainly should raise your awareness...it could be alot more.


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## SouthernMiss

Jesus, some people here FREAK OUT about every little text. I have been cheated on! I have been cheated on multiple times and left homeless with 3 kids and no income. I do take cheating seriously.

But not EVERY conversation or friendship between a male and female is automatically an affair requiring contacting male's wife and putting VARS in wife's car.

Talk about going from zero to sixty!

Nothing in your post indicates an immediate need to completely panic.

She texts with a guy. That's all we know. Should that perk up your ears? Sure. 

But let's act with reason.

Is there any reason you feel that your wife's integrity should be questioned? Do you not want her to talk to other men at all? Or just text? 

I do think you're on point with counseling. If nothing else happened, the obvious severe lack of trust has been exposed and must be corrected.


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## weightlifter

Smiss. He has the #1 indicator going. His gut. We have a depressingly high cheat rate here from even less than this.

VARS are low level snooping. I told him he should STOP confronting without proof. My spidey senses are tingling. I keep thinking "burner phone"

Honestly I HOPE I AM WRONG! I hope you get to gloat how wrong I am. I hope you get to say, "Weightlifter, you are a paranoid freak and it has been proven there was not even an EA."


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