# Discovering if exs' BF has a history of being a child predator



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

It was suggested that in the best interests of the kids that if they are spending the night over/with the ex's BF or GF present that you would have the right to know if they are a child predator,etc. The mediator brought it up actually and said this request goes both ways. My STBXW signed the decree yesterday which had this clause but today was upset and thinks I am going to use his information to harass him. Apparently, the mediator had it written that the ex spouse provides the BF or GF name and driver liscence to the other ex. It only occurs if the children and BF/GF is sleeping in the same house. Ever heard of this? Was I given paranoid advice? I never thought of this until it was brought up in mediation. Now the STBXW only is willing to give just the name and is furious.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh yeah. Here's a few other things that resulted from the mediation:
As far as parenting time, I was very fair in allowing her time with the kids. Instead of the 6 weeks or 42 days, I agreed to 60 days in the summer with 1 week in the middle allowing me to spend time with the kids. I am having a few doubts that 60 days in the summer is probably a bit too long, but I also know they need to have that mommy time too. Just kinda stinks because I get summers off and will only get the kids for around 2-3 weeks during the summer. Yeah, I know. I'm not gonna get much pity for getting summers off and having a few weeks with the kids. Regardless, she will have to pay for child care, etc. while they are there. She pays for all flights for the kids seeing her up there or her visiting here. She asked for all Thanksgivings because her bday is the day after Thanksgiving and I get all X-mas while she receives the 2nd half of the x-mas holiday.
She fought the child support, but in the end it really didn't matter what she said. She also pays their insurance and 1/2 the medical costs when they occur. Also, since the house has no equity I received the house. I keep all the assets except her personal belongings, clothes, etc. (This was her suggestion actually). We kept our own retirement and she is paying half the credit card debt.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> It was suggested that in the best interests of the kids that if they are spending the night over/with the ex's BF or GF present that you would have the right to know if they are a child predator,etc. The mediator brought it up actually and said this request goes both ways. My STBXW signed the decree yesterday which had this clause but today was upset and thinks I am going to use his information to harass him. Apparently, the mediator had it written that the ex spouse provides the BF or GF name and driver liscence to the other ex. It only occurs if the children and BF/GF is sleeping in the same house. Ever heard of this? Was I given paranoid advice? I never thought of this until it was brought up in mediation. Now the STBXW only is willing to give just the name and is furious.


I guess if she signed away on that so she agreed to it. You probably would be within your rights to not send the kids for summers until she complies. If nothing is sketchy how can you harass him with info? Once you have rules in place, it's up to you to enforce them. The signed agreement is on good if rules are followed. For the record, I did have difficulty putting my foot down with my ex and keeping to the agreement. Also, I bet with no break in child support, your ex will tire of her summers with the kids pretty quickly. That's if they even go. If she refuses to provide her BF's information, there must be something there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why would she be angry if there is nothing on him? Can you misuse the information? I am genuinely curious?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> It was suggested that in the best interests of the kids that if they are spending the night over/with the ex's BF or GF present that you would have the right to know if they are a child predator,etc. The mediator brought it up actually and said this request goes both ways. My STBXW signed the decree yesterday which had this clause but today was upset and thinks I am going to use his information to harass him. Apparently, the mediator had it written that the ex spouse provides the BF or GF name and driver liscence to the other ex. It only occurs if the children and BF/GF is sleeping in the same house. Ever heard of this? Was I given paranoid advice? I never thought of this until it was brought up in mediation. Now the STBXW only is willing to give just the name and is furious.


:iagree::iagree: wonders what she is hiding


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

HoustonDad,

This isn't the one to fold on.

Enforce the agreement - use the police if you have to.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

:iagree:

Definately don't let her get away easily. If there is an agreement she has to follow it. 

What if the other guy IS a danger?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I appreciate everone's kind and understanding feedback. I also frequent another site that is for "Dads" and I received some really ticked off fathers when I brought up the background check suggestion. It was brutal. 
Anyways, I guess I'm trying to meet in the middle without being too intrusive, but it may be impossible.
My STBXW BF said no way in heck was he giving me his DL. And I understand the whole right to privacy thing. But I also wish some people could put themselves in my shoes and understand that I'm only protecting my kids. It's nothing personal at all. But my STBXW believes I would use this to harass the BF. They think I'm paranoid. I've never harassed anyone! Not even the OM which sent me in a downward spiral and ultimately the end of our marriage. I have found a public records site that allows you to put in the first and last name with the state the person lives in to get information if they are on file. The only concern I have is what if the first and last name is not enough? What if it's John Smith? There would probably be over a dozen hits. Then what? The DL would solve that issue, but if there's another way that is less "intrusive", I would love to know. Also, has anyone here have something like this in their divorce decree?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> I appreciate everone's kind and understanding feedback. I also frequent another site that is for "Dads" and I received some really ticked off fathers when I brought up the background check suggestion. It was brutal.
> Anyways, I guess I'm trying to meet in the middle without being too intrusive, but it may be impossible.
> My STBXW BF said no way in heck was he giving me his DL. And I understand the whole right to privacy thing. But I also wish some people could put themselves in my shoes and understand that I'm only protecting my kids. It's nothing personal at all. But my STBXW believes I would use this to harass the BF. They think I'm paranoid. I've never harassed anyone! Not even the OM which sent me in a downward spiral and ultimately the end of our marriage. I have found a public records site that allows you to put in the first and last name with the state the person lives in to get information if they are on file. The only concern I have is what if the first and last name is not enough? What if it's John Smith? There would probably be over a dozen hits. Then what? The DL would solve that issue, but if there's another way that is less "intrusive", I would love to know. Also, has anyone here have something like this in their divorce decree?


I didn't but I agree with it. They're hiding something! Why else care? Christ where I work, we use DL as I'd for privacy policy. It's a smoke show to try and get you to drop it. If it's signed and agreed on stick to it. Her call how to get him to comply or she has a choice to make.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

H, What can you do if they don't send the bf's DL? Can you take back the kids until they comply?


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

United States Department of Justice National Sex Offender Public Website

if you have the address with the name


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I appreciate everyone's help. I was able to figure out who this guy is from one of her online groups. Anyways, the good news is that he's not registered. It's still a shame that I had to figure this out from the kids mentioning him by his first name and seeing the two of them together on a dating site only confirming the BFs name. The STBXW has never shared with me this information and still says he's just a friend. Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

maybe you can ask to verify through a neutral 3rd party? Someone you both trust can verify the information for you and you will not have access to his information

You can also mail her the link to their dating profile asking if he is still a friend..ha


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

3rd party is a good idea actually. But I don't know anyone up in Minnesota which is where she lives. Drat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> 3rd party is a good idea actually. But I don't know anyone up in Minnesota which is where she lives. Drat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If it's in the agreement, regardless of what you've found through investigation, I'd still make her comply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Besides as a mother of children and not having a long history w/ him she should want a little investigation of him to be sure he isn't a creep! She can use you as an excuse... you are helping her be a good mother and protect her children and herself(don't tell her that). I would love to have an excuse like that (maybe) to investigate a new BF. My daughter (in her 20s) jokes about how her friends check out their new bfs/gfs credit rating before they get serious, I thought that was horrible but maybe it's not!!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I am in agreement with the others. Trying to rationalize your position with stbxw may not be productive, but I would be sorely tempted to do so anyway.

1) It is in the agreement. She must provide the information or the kids don't visit.

2) You are only seeking to protect the children from becoming victimized.

3) You have no interest in harassing bf, but if you were to misuse the information or harass her bf, she would have grounds to pursue you legally. 

4) Since you are not located close to each other, there is no simple compromise. I might have suggested you meet each other at a background check company office where she shows you the information and then hands it to the company. You never get to keep a copy of bf's info. You do get to see the final report. Problem solved.

I think they are definitely hiding something, though it may not be any kind of sex predator thing. Maybe he has a past criminal record or some kind of sordid background which they want to hide from you. As a parent you have the right and obligation to protect your kids even when in the ex's care. I wouldn't cave on this one.


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