# I need some advice please - cheating husband



## confusedonetx (Dec 27, 2010)

Hello, 

I apologize for the lengthy post. 

I stumbled upon this page as I was searching the web for some solace and advice and I am hoping that you can provide me with some guidance. I never in a million years would have thought that I would be in this situation, but I'm sure most people say that. I can see from the short time that I have spent reading the various threads that sadly I am anything but alone. 

I am fairly certain that my husband of 8 years (together for 14) was having an affair last year. I say fairly certain because I do not have solid proof of a physical encounter, besides what I am about to tell you, but at the very least he has had an emotional affair on at least one occasion that I have recently discovered. 

I will preface this by saying that I was not snooping when I found this, I was looking for a PayPal confirmation for a purchase that I made online and our PayPal account is linked to his hotmail address. The password to the email account is not and has never been a secret. Anyway I was searching for the sellers name and I ran across several messages to and from another woman that my husband worked with last year with the same first name. There were too many to ignore so I opened one. They started in February of 2009 and ended at the end of November 2009. They were in his "deleted" folder. 

They started out flirtatious but then got pretty graphic. The one that breaks my heart is one that references them getting together at a local hotel and included a map. I looked at the date of that message and looked back through my emails and sure enough he had told me earlier that week that he had a meeting to attend that evening about 30 minutes away, in a town that is conveniently just past that hotel....which did not alarm me at the time because he works with a client in the location. 

In total it appears that they may have had physical contact a few different times, but of course I cannot tell for sure from the correspondence alone. I forwarded all of the emails to myself and kept copies. 

Anyway, I don't know what to do at this point. I would have never suspected that he was unfaithful. We have had so many conversations where we have both expressed our distain for infidelity, its like I was reading emails from a completely different person, not my husband!

Our marriage has had its minor ups and downs, but mostly it has been really good. The last couple of years have been a bit tough because we had our first child in December of 2007 and our second in late 2009, and life with two babies and two full time working parents, can be stressful. Add to that that I almost died of bacterial pneumonia while I was pregnant in April of 2009 so I was really out of commission for most of last year between the pregnancy, illness, recovery and child birth and my husband had to pick up a lot of the slack. 

I am trying to think about this rationally and without a lot of anger and emotion. I don't know if I should confront him with the emails or if I should handle this situation differently. I want to make this right. I am not a vengeful person who wants to get back at him or hurt him. He is an amazing father to our children and my best friend (or so I thought). 

I probably have not been the best wife the last couple of years with the consecutive pregnancies and children tugging me in all directions and no real support system here. Our families are both across the country so time to ourselves is scarce. 

Please give me some perspective. I have never been in this place and I am scared and confused. 

Thank you


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Hi and welcome , though we wish it were different circumstances 

First of all stop blaming yourself. you did not cause him to commit adultery, he chose to do this all on his own. Your husband was before he had an affair responsible for 50% of the marriage issues now he is 150 % or more responsible.

You have to get your mind , body and soul in a better place. Eat healthy foods, get fit , keep your mind occupied, You will need this as whatever the journey you choose to take it is going to be tough on you. 

Secure copies of the evidence where you can get to it and he will not find it. If you can make hard print outs and mail a second set to your parents for safe keeping .

What you need to do now is breathe, do not be upset and understand where you are . There is no blame game .

This is the scenario that may be happening:

Your husband is still in the affair and they have got smarter. 

He has finished and moved on to a new OW (other woman)

or the less likely of the two is he has stopped the affair. 

What do you want to do????

Save your marriage or divorce him?

For the save the marriage part it will be hard work so:-


What you have to do is trace the OW , find out who she is, where she works, where she stays etc. Gather evidence, dig dig dig eg. phone the hotel and bluff that you are the accountant and require a receipt for tax claims for the night with both their names on it. etc...

Obtain a keylogger to load on the PC, assuming your husband uses it and not the work PC.
Keep a very careful eye on the account, look for monies drawn, as the affair persons get smarter they start paying in cash 

The above are some example and more support can be given, what we need is direction from you if you wish to progress this.


and YES YES YES look after you and your children first and foremost. You have to be strong for all

Golden rule for you to remember , persons in affairs will always lie, even if they swear on their lives. No lie is to big

What do you wish to do? We can support you in stopping the affair and help rebuild your marriage or you can choose to divorce him based on the evidence you have.


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## confusedonetx (Dec 27, 2010)

I want to save my marriage. I am not willing to let this destroy my family if I can help it. And I love him. Believe me, I am no door mat. I am extremely independant, strong willed, capable and stubborn. I don't need him to take care of me and our children, but I want to work through this because I am not ready to give up at this point. I value our life together and I know that in many ways he does as well. Unfortunately he has erased any trust that I have in him at this point. 

I know who this woman is. She used to work with my husband at his previous job. I do not think that she lives in the state anymore for some reason but I could be wrong. But I know how to find out which I will do this evening.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

OK well dig and post when ready, assume your husband has got smarter at hiding the evidence and is still in the affair, we can hope he stopped for some reason but that is rarely the case. Do not let on what you are doing or that you are aware of his affair. 

The first step in the process to is confront , not now only when you have secured the evidence. In parallel you run what is called a Plan A you do not be a doormat in this plan..




> The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
> 
> 
> The carrot of Plan A
> ...


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## confusedonetx (Dec 27, 2010)

Well, I did it. 

I spent a lot of time digging around, gathered all of my evidence in hard copy form and confronted him about it last night. It was not fun. But I managed to stay relatively unemotional about the situation. 

He confessed to everything when confronted with facts. 
Here is what I know, probably not in order of occurrence or significance...

He admitted to having three ONS's since we have been married, one with a girl he met while touring with his band, (he used to be a musician), one ex girlfriend from the town where we went to college who moved to our city a few years ago, and one random woman that he met at a bar at a work event a couple of years ago. I asked for details of each encounter and he was forthcoming about each. I asked if he had seen any of them since and he said no, that he had no interest in them outside of the encounter. 

He also had a PA with another woman (the one from my previous post below) for about 10 months in 2009. Says he slept with her three times, but flirted and sent racy messages via email off and on the whole time. I already knew who she was because I found a picture of her in his email, knew she worked at his old office and she had her full name in her signature. I did some research on her and she does still live in the state about 30 minutes away. 

From what I was able to dig up he has not had contact with her since November of last year. I asked him if he was still in contact with her and he said no. When I asked him why it stopped he said that it just fizzled out and he lost interest. That he always lost interest shortly after.

When I asked him why he did this to our family he said he didn't know. That he knew each time that it was terribly wrong and that it could destroy our relationship and with later encounters destroy our family, but he couldn't bring himself to stop the behavior, that the sex was always bad and unfulfilling and the guilt was almost unbearable but the allure of doing something "bad" that no one knew about was for some reason always alluring. I asked him if at any point while it was happening he had a conscious thought that what he was doing was wrong and he should stop and he said "yes, every time but I still did it for some reason." He even mentioned that between encounters he would crave that adrenaline rush and he hated himself for it. Thinking back over the past few years I can remember him going through bouts of sadness, anger and "depression", (not diagnosed) and I thought that it was just the stress of work and the kids etc, but now I wonder if it was something more. I don't know. I know that he has an addictive personality, I have always known that. He has struggled with alcohol over the years as have other members of his family and the attraction is the same, the feeling of being out of control for that moment. 

When I laid the stack of emails in front if him he said "this is the end isn't it?" He knows that he has decimated my trust and hurt me beyond comprehension. I feel like I have been living with an imposter. As I previously stated, I never in a million years would have thought that this would happen to me, to us, to our family. He has been an amazing father to our kids and on the surface a fantastic husband. He always helps out around the house, splits responsibilities for the children and is very affectionate towards me. He is constantly chasing me around the house kissing me and wanting to be intimate. He buys me flowers for no reason and truly I want for nothing. He has a successful job and has worked very hard over the years to provide for me and our family. Who is this other person that would act so carelessly and jeopardize our whole world? I don't know this person. 

I feel like the last eight years have been a lie. I think back to all of the things that we have done, places we have gone, and experiences that we have had and it all seemed tainted by this huge lie. I told him that, and he said that these occurrences have nothing to do with how much he loves me and cherishes our family and life together, but I cant wrap my head around that. I would never treat someone that I cared for that way. Plus, not to sound conceited but I am no slouch. (not that it matters as anyone would be hurt by this) but I am an attractive, fit and intelligent easy going and fun loving person. I built a successful business from the ground up and I have a huge social circle of very good friends. I have seen the other women and they are not even good looking, (sorry if that sounds mean). I don't understand it. I guess it was just something different, something outside of the every day. I take responsibility to our love life going a bit stagnant, I should not use my two small children as an excuse but for god sake they are three and one!!! I have been pregnant or nursing for nearly three out of four years. Sorry for rambling. 


Anyway I laid it all on the line for him and said that the kids and I will stay on the following conditions:


1. He has no further contact with any of these OW's. I am not sure if I need to have him write a no contact letter since it looks like he has had no contact since November of last year. I need guidance on this. 

2. We go to couples counseling immediately. I have already found someone and will be contacting them this afternoon. He agreed.

3. He gets individual therapy to deal with his addictive behavior. He agreed.

4. I get full access to all of his accounts and cell phone records. He agreed and I am to have them by this evening. 

5. I get to check his phone, laptop etc whenever I want and he may not have his cell phone tethered to his side at home. He agreed.

6. He gets a blood test. He agreed and is going to take care of it this afternoon and will produce the results as soon as they are available.


I love my husband very much and I know that he is a good person who has made bad decisions. I have made it clear to him that if I find out that he has kept anything from me regarding other encounters or this ever happens again I will take the children and leave without hesitation because I will not raise them in a toxic environment. It will be a scorched earth scenario and everyone will know what he has done and why I have left him. 

I hope that we can get past this. I want to trust him again, but right now I cannot. 

Any guidance you can provide would be most appreciated. I don't have any family here and I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I do not really want to confide in any of my girlfriends about this right now. I am trying to run with the "carrot" portion of plan A but it is damn hard when I am so hurt and angry.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Based on your last post I think you have good chance of saving your marriage if he agreed to all those things. As for the No Contact letter I would still write it, you read it and you mail it. 

I can totally relate to your story and your feelings. I wish my cheating husband was that forthcoming. But don't let your guard down for a while now. Trust will be difficult to rebuild and as another poster said some cheating spouses continue to lie without any regard for their spouse(mine still lies even though we are now divorced). In other words, expect the unexpected for awhile.

Look after yourself first and the children because your health can take a serious toll. I lost 30lbs in less than 2 months, my period became irregular, my hair started falling at one time during the summer(thank God that stopped), not to mention sleeping and eating was completely out of whack.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I love my husband very much and I know that he is a good person who has made bad decisions. I have made it clear to him that if I find out that he has kept anything from me regarding other encounters or this ever happens again I will take the children and leave without hesitation because I will not raise them in a toxic environment. It will be a scorched earth scenario and everyone will know what he has done and why I have left him.
> 
> I hope that we can get past this. I want to trust him again, but right now I cannot.


Good job! There is a LOT of hope for your family. Question: did he agree to your conditions? If so, you are well on your way. 

It takes time for the pain to go away, but it does over time (perhaps not totally, but it will become less important to you as days go by). 

The 'trust' comes back as well - he will have to earn that, and over time, as you notice that his words do indeed match his actions, you will come to rely on his communication more and more. 

It just takes time...

There isn't any need to 'confide' in any of your friends or family as long as he is willing to do all the work necessary. That is something to consider if he doesn't respond, or if he decides to go back on his word later.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Therapy for him is going to be key. For a LONG time. You don't just turn off being addictive.

For you, set up strong boundaries around all this. You stop going to therapy, I pack your bags. You change plans mysteriously and I can't verify where you are, I pack your bags. Like that.

You may want to consider finding a couples weekend and both of you going. I think it would be a real eye-opener to him, to see what real commitment and marriage and love LOOKS like at such an event. Research to find the best one.

fwiw, please DO pick out one of your girlfriends to talk to. There is no shame in this on YOUR shoulders; you are the victim here, ok? No shame. And if she's a good enough friend, she (1) will want to help you and (2) will be offended if you don't tell her the truth.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

That is a long update and I may have missed some items.

Your husband has admitted his affairs to you, while you can take his answers today as being factual I do need to warn you that most persons in an affair are pathological liars, this is not to say your husband is one however to ensure you have not been blindsided I suggest the following.

You have a further conversation with him. let him know that over say the next four weeks he has a set two hours per week to answer any questions you may have about his affairs, or a possible ongoing affair that may or may not have been disclosed. You advise him that you will be arranging a polygraph test at the end of this period so he has the opportunity to tell you all before this occurs.

As for the OW's , will he have any contact with them going forward or is there the slightest chance of this occurring , if so he has sends them a no contact letter and you tell their spouses. 

He has to take extraordinary precautions to ensure he never places himself in a position of falling into temptation again. 

He cannot blame drink or alcohol for his affairs. 

He has many hoops to go through to continuously evidence to you he will never go into an affair again. He has to give 100% of everything to you and your marriage no half measures. 

Both of you go for an STD check some are hard for the layman to identify. 

To affair proof your marriage I suggest you and your husband do a bit of reading and see a councilor. 


try " surviving an affair " by Harley

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Affair-Willard-Jr-Harley/dp/0800717589

and "his need her needs" as well by the same author. 

Both of you should read these books. 

For initial counseling I recommend a call either to the Marriage Builders Dr. Harley or Affaircare or one of the online sponsors of this site. 

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice


AffairCare Home

The calls will cost you however it is to help you get the basics right before you firm up your approach to rebuild the marriage .

The recovery of the marriage is going to be tough on you, at the moment you are on a high as you have had some success, it will hit you later and you will feel down. Do not despair you can and will rebuild your marriage and if your husband is serious he will work his ass off to rebuild the trust and love you require in your marriage. 


A hard part is the following, to help you and your husband I suggest you both tell your parents/ siblings and his of the affairs. In a time of need you will want to lean on someone or have someone to talk to.

The disclosure of the affairs to close family will help you affair proof the marriage going forward, keeping it a secret between the two of you may enable him to wander again. This has worked for many couples and helps rebuild the trust between the two of you. 

Further reading below. These will help you understand why the affair started in the first place. 

Marriage builders articles

Articles

Affaircare articles 


Articles

I wish you every success going forward.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You need someone to talk to. I think you should talk to your Mom and Dad and a sibling and a good friend. I think it is wrong to keep this a secret it is not something that you brought in to the marriage your husband did. 

I don't know how you can consider him a good person, he exposed you to STDs for a few minutes of bad sex, what's so good about that. The man you loved does not exist and you have to decide if you are able to love a liar, cheater and person who does not love you or your kids enough to forgo a little excitement. If he has been able to do what he has been doing and all the while putting on a display of love, I would say you don't really know him. 

You don't want to see it because you have allot invested in the relationship but, when a person shows you who they truly are you have to believe them. Your husband is a dog and will take his game underground. You wont be able to detect his next deceptions throughout the marriage, he has been warned and he will be very careful next time. 

He needs to atone for what he has done by expressing to you a complete understanding of how he hurt you. He must be willing to feel your pain. He must offer to reveal himself to your families. The fact that you even mention that you are somehow at fault is very concerning. What you are saying is that a man has the right to have sex with random women while his wife is not available because she is having h=is children. You said you were intelligent and independent, so rethink this. 

You give your husband the impression that he was justified in having sex with other woman. Sounds like you are giving him an easy pass. What if you asked to get out and stay out until he proved himself worthy, he probably would have felt the consequences more severely. Now he gets to hide out and pretend to be a good guy while you suffer the pain of his betrayal. He is in no pain at all he is relieved. 

With such a person if there are no consequences they will repeat the activity because their is no downside. I think you should reveal what he is to your families why make life easy for him, plus you need the support. Revealing who he truly is may help him to change, if he you atre the only one suffering he has no incentive to change. 

If he has to face his family and your with his real face it brings the discomfort home to him and he can share your pain. That will help him to feel some empathy and compassion. I did not get the impression that he was sorry for what he did or that he even knew how seriously he hurt you. Don't forgive him cheaply make him work for your trust and that means disclosing who is is.

I don't agree with the conventional wisdom to always try to work things out and avoid divorce, a man who repeatedly cheats even when the marriage is good with just the normal eb and flow will cheat again. So you can decide to stay with him but don't ever trust him and alway where a condom so you dont catch anything from him. 

If you read any of the research on cheaters this is the type who will do it again and again and will promise not to each time. I think he is not worth the effort. You have so much going for you why gamble on such a man? 

Ten years from now you will wonder why you did not leave the first time he cheated. He does not care enough about anyone to let them get in the way of his pleasure. I don't think cheaters of this type ever change.


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## confusedonetx (Dec 27, 2010)

Thanks Catherine. 
You make some very valid points that I needed to hear.

I don't know if I will end up staying. It's all so fresh and raw and I'm trying to go about this with some level of emotional intelligence.
I very well may be setting myself up for failure and disappointment. I cannot say for sure. I don't know right now if I am making the right decisions. 
I'm just trying to cope the best that I can hour by hour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> If you read any of the research on cheaters this is the type who will do it again and again and will promise not to each time. I think he is not worth the effort. You have so much going for you why gamble on such a man?
> 
> Ten years from now you will wonder why you did not leave the first time he cheated. He does not care enough about anyone to let them get in the way of his pleasure. I don't think cheaters of this type ever change.


I agree very much with this!! I am very sorry for what you are going through I'll reiterate all affairs are different they are not the same and your type (imo) is the by far the worst.

I know a man like your husband loyal on the outside, funny, artsy, dedicated, selfless, giving, says the right things, and good job!! I'm sure his wife as like other wives with this type of husband feel very lucky....as if they got a good one!!

If they only knew what lurked behind the shadows. The guy I know... who I'll call Chris cheats often! Every couple of months it's all a game. The chase, the flirt, the secrecy, the games, and after the a few ONS it's over.....on to the next one. There is no emotion its just for fun. It's almost like a recreation to him.

I doubt your husband will stop based on his record. It's almost like a addiction.......and so much different than a emotional affair or stereotypical PA.

Best of luck to you and your family!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

confusedonetx said:


> Thanks Catherine.
> You make some very valid points that I needed to hear.
> 
> I don't know if I will end up staying. It's all so fresh and raw and I'm trying to go about this with some level of emotional intelligence.
> ...


I know it is early but I still think you have to act decisively for just that reason. What happened to you is like the death of someone importatnt, the man you thought was your husband has never really been there. Keeping such a monumental thing a secret it is too much for you to endure on your own. 

Having him leave the house, does two things, you get the support you need during this crisis, and he is revealed for who he is which can aid in the recovery of a deceiver. You also get to talk about the death of the husband he pretended to be, a necessary step for you in your grieving process. It will not cause you any more pain than you have now and it will definitely lessen it. 

Please read about different types of cheaters and the chances that they will cheat again. Your husband is the worse type and is highly likely to cheat again. You may be hanging onto the person that he appeared to be but that person was a fabrication a mask and he will not be back. Your husband put on a mask all the time you new him probably because he is empty inside and really feels nothing. He probably knows he is abnormal and puts on the act to hide the emptiness. 

A man who can look his wife in the face and act like he is very much in love and happy but is engaged in humiliating and repeatedly deceiving her, may have some type of phycopathy. If you think about it, he is almost too good to be true. It's an exaggerated act of a good husband. 

It's easy for me to look at this and give you a theory and you don't know who I am. But I am asking you to get your brain in gear, even at this early stage. Getting him out of the house and getting the support you need is crucial. You also get to observe him see how he reacts and decide if this is the type of person you want in your life. Remember you don't really know him so you have to start over getting to know a stranger. Are his reactions, normal does he show emotion, sympathy and care of you. When you told him that you knew what he was doing his reaction was interesting. Is that the reaction of the loving man he pretended to be? What would be the reaction of a normal person if they deceived his wife? 

He made a statement in an unguarded moment showing concern for himself and the end of his well honed act. Your revelation was unexpected and he did not have a mask for it so you saw the real him. Watch him and compare his behavior against the behavior of a person who was actually as loving and caring as he acted out. There you have your answer. 

I hope you will be brave and open your eyes and see the man you are with. None of this is your fault, you drew a bad hand, to use a poker analogy.


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## confusedonetx (Dec 27, 2010)

Thank you Catherine for taking the time to write this. We have had several more conversations since I confronted him and I have made it clear that I have not made a decision about what I am going to do at this point and that all options are on the table. 

I should clarify that he was extremely upset when I revealed what I knew. I do not see him cry that often and I have never seen him in the state that he was in. It is just hard to describe all of the details in writing. He just kept begging me to let him get help and prove to me that he can be a good husband. I just kept saying I don't know. 

I have been doing some reading and research and there is a lot more that I still want to look at and you are right, the outlook is not very rosie.

I know that I need to make a decision soon. I just want to talk to the therapist and I cant see him until Monday. I need a face to face objective opinion. I want to act rationally and purposefully for myself and my children. I really have no support here outside of my friends and they all live 40 minutes away. I commute to my office in the town where they all live. 
So I need to think this through and have a plan for how we will get through the coming months. Even something as simple as getting the kids to and from school needs to be considered. If that means that he has to drive to our house to pick them up in the morning then so be it, but I need to have a strategy worked out, I cant just fly by the seat of my pants.

Regarding telling our families. Part of me really wants to do that but I am afraid that it will do more harm than good. Not to him, not to me, but to our parents. They do not live near us. We have no family near by immediate, extended or otherwise. They are all across the country and I would have to tell them over the phone. My parents would be devestated. My mother is kind of fragile and this would literally eat her up. Not only that, but once I tell them I can never take that knowledge back. 

Let's say that this relationship can be salvaged, there will always be an elephant in the room, and it won't just be my husband who has to deal with it, it will be me as well. I don't know if I can handle that added stress. If our marriage ends I will always be vulnerable in their eyes and I don't want all of the questions from my mother and the additional burden that it places on their shoulders worrying if I am alright and what will happen to me and the kids. 

My head is spinning.


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

confusedonetx said:


> Regarding telling our families. Part of me really wants to do that but I am afraid that it will do more harm than good. Not to him, not to me, but to our parents. They do not live near us. We have no family near by immediate, extended or otherwise. They are all across the country and I would have to tell them over the phone. My parents would be devestated. My mother is kind of fragile and this would literally eat her up. Not only that, but once I tell them I can never take that knowledge back.
> 
> Let's say that this relationship can be salvaged, there will always be an elephant in the room, and it won't just be my husband who has to deal with it, it will be me as well. I don't know if I can handle that added stress. If our marriage ends I will always be vulnerable in their eyes and I don't want all of the questions from my mother and the additional burden that it places on their shoulders worrying if I am alright and what will happen to me and the kids.
> 
> My head is spinning.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You can always tell ... anyone ... anytime ... WHEN you decide it is the right thing, but you cannot take it back after it's out there . . . . . . . EVER!

So many will tell you that it is the most important thing to do but only you can decide for you what is the right thing to do.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm positive that you will deal with it in the way that best fits for you and your children. You are logical and treating this as a problem to correct rather than reacting based strictly on emotions. You aren't playing the role of victim or of punisher and for that I applaud you. You are still in control of you and you don't have to act before you have worked out your plan.

I would suggest that you ask yourself some very plain, bottom line questions. What can "I" (being you) live with? Put names to his actions and your decisions to define what you'll end up living with if you stay or if you go. What can't "I" live without? To be true to yourself, what MUST you have in a relationship? Will it be missing if you stay or if you go? You know what your base life morals/values are and when you put these carefully identified things against them, you will know what to do for you.

Many times, people here want to apply a "one size fits all" response to other's situations. (Note: I believe they truly are trying to be helpful.) It's not that simple. Those "one size fits all" plans _may_ work most of the time, but considering the cost to you and your family, you have to determine what will work for you based on what YOU know about yourself. Please continue taking advice under consideration, but always keep your needs/values in mind as you make decisions.

I'll certainly be watching your thread and praying for wisdom for you as you go through this.

Just my $0.02,
Lost


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Regarding telling our families. Part of me really wants to do that but I am afraid that it will do more harm than good. Not to him, not to me, but to our parents. They do not live near us. We have no family near by immediate, extended or otherwise. They are all across the country and I would have to tell them over the phone. My parents would be devestated. My mother is kind of fragile and this would literally eat her up. Not only that, but once I tell them I can never take that knowledge back.


I would point out that there is no reason to tell your family anything about your relationship with your husband, provided he is back in the marriage. Exposure is only effective when it is used in it's proper place - to reveal that cheating is going on (with it's concurrent deception, lies, etc.) Otherwise, it is more often simply vindictive action - which is detrimental to any relationship.

Simple decision: do you want to save your marriage? That answer shouldn't be that difficult. If yes, commit to it. If no, get out of it very soon. The longer you dwell in and on pain, the more of a 'habit' the pain becomes, and the worse you will both 'feel' and treat others. 

Your husband, from all indications, has returned to the marriage. This means that he is willing to do what it takes to make things right. So he is now sitting and waiting. It is hard to say how long that will go on, but I can tell you that if you are not willing to do the same as he - work on the marriage, then he will begin to reconsider, to ponder if it is worth any effort at all. You'll lose the opportunity to make your marriage a healthy one.



> Let's say that this relationship can be salvaged, there will always be an elephant in the room, and it won't just be my husband who has to deal with it, it will be me as well. I don't know if I can handle that added stress.


What is the elephant? 

One thing to keep in mind: affairs rarely, _if ever_ happen in a vacuum. They are usually, _if not always_ an inappropriate and immoral solution for a pre-existing problem. So if there is an elephant in the room, I would point out that it is the troubles that lead to your husband making this decision. The affair is not the cause of the troubles (it is one on it's own) - it is a choice (among many other available) to solve the troubles. It's usually the easiest- seeming solution. 



> If our marriage ends I will always be vulnerable in their eyes and I don't want all of the questions from my mother and the additional burden that it places on their shoulders worrying if I am alright and what will happen to me and the kids.


This is one of the things that will happen, regardless of what you want. Because it is likely inevitable, leave it to itself and don't bother wasting time worrying about it.


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