# Lost in Emotions



## Badluck Chuck (Nov 3, 2008)

Well....here's what's been going on in my marriage.

I met my wife about three years ago through a mutual friend and we just clicked from that point on. We moved in together about a month after that, then got married last May in Hawaii. Since day one, I have lied to her about what I did for a living in the past. I didn't expect it to resurface on the internet that I had lied about being in a certain job. She apparently brushed it off and continued to live on. She has a very religious background and expects the whole world to tell the truth. Me, on the other hand, was raised in a broken family, where my mother married 4 different guys and 2 of them were very abusive to me and my brother. So, lying to get out of trouble or to make other people happy was a daily serving of life for me. 

Her job requested her to go to Washington D.C. for a special job opportunity for 4 months. She was extremely excited to tell me about this new position and that it will only be temporary. And, it will also ensure a promotion upon completion. I told her that I was very proud of her and explained to her that she should go do this job and come home. 

Well, the first two days of this job, she was very happy and loving, as always on e-mail and phone calls. But, then came Monday morning.

She sent me an e-mail about how she and her sister went to church and felt very different. I asked, "How so?"

She responded with a paragraph about how she has been holding these feelings in and how they have been wearing her down. 

She couldn't understand why I would lie about my past job and wondered what other things I have been lying about. 

I told her that the job was the only thing that I have actually lied about to her. She then sent me a string of e-mails that continued to accuse me of not being truthful. 

To this day, she continues to send me e-mails about how she still can't trust me and that she feels that she doesn't know me anymore. Every time that I try to call her cell phone, I always get her voicemail and when she does decide to call me back, she's very cold, to the point and now doesn't even say "I love you" anymore.

What should I do? I very much love my wife and think that she is over reacting. I also think that she is hiding something from me. I don't know, maybe she found someone else. If so, just tell me so I can go on with my life without wondering what will happen to our marriage and feeling like a mushroom....being kept in the dark and being fed bull####.


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## kevine (Nov 4, 2008)

if you love, fight for her. suggest counseling to her. kill her with kindness. plan something romantic. you have to earn her trust now, so dot your i's and cross your t's when you get a chance. she will notice!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Badluck Chuck said:


> Well....here's what's been going on in my marriage.
> 
> I met my wife about three years ago through a mutual friend and we just clicked from that point on. We moved in together about a month after that, then got married last May in Hawaii. Since day one, I have lied to her about what I did for a living in the past. I didn't expect it to resurface on the internet that I had lied about being in a certain job. She apparently brushed it off and continued to live on. She has a very religious background and expects the whole world to tell the truth. Me, on the other hand, was raised in a broken family, where my mother married 4 different guys and 2 of them were very abusive to me and my brother. So, lying to get out of trouble or to make other people happy was a daily serving of life for me.
> 
> ...


holy smokes dude...you got some work ahead...now, repeat after me: "i WILL save my marriage." (i stole that from this board. the originator will be along to post in your benefit)

now, go to the library and find ever book by chapman and dobson...find "divorce busters" and the "5 love languages"
and build a game plan for saving this one. mentally commit a LOT of your life starting right now to winning back your wife. it will be work, and (tell me) she IS worth it.

you got caught in a huge lie dude...now the resentment she feels for you feel is justifiable to her. and that's matters. what she thinks is ALL THAT MATTERS.

see my signature...that little quote at the bottom of my post. it says it all for me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Badluck Chuck said:


> I don't know, maybe she found someone else. If so, just tell me so I can go on with my life without wondering what will happen to our marriage and feeling like a mushroom....being kept in the dark and being fed bull####.


I get a very apathetic vibe from this. It sounds like you're waiting for her to make the decision b/c you dont know what you really want.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I get a very apathetic vibe from this. It sounds like you're waiting for her to make the decision b/c you dont know what you really want.


ljtseng,

I do not think that Badluck Chuck is being apathetic; he's just putting on his defense mechanism (he has been doing this since he was a kid, remember?) when he says: 



Badluck Chuck said:


> What should I do? I very much love my wife and think that she is over reacting. I also think that she is hiding something from me. I don't know, maybe she found someone else. If so, just tell me so I can go on with my life without wondering what will happen to our marriage and feeling like a mushroom....being kept in the dark and being fed bull####.


Badluck, 

I understand that life was not too great when you were growing up, so you had to lie to make things a little easier. But your wife now is a soft spot to fall when the world is tough. I know, easier said than done. I too tend to just throw my hands up and say forget it; I'm done. However, with marriage, things should be different. In order for it to work, you have to be committed. Even through the rough times.

I definitely think that counseling is a great start. Especially since your wife is out of town. You can start going yourself, so you can work out the issues that you had in your childhood that is affecting you now.

Also, never let the lines of communication cease. Try being very understanding about how your wife feels. Yes you may think that she is overacting, but this is just justification. You know deep down that you lied to her and that was wrong. So now that it is out in the open, it best to just let her vent about it, so you two can move on TOGETHER. 

Good luck.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

loveandmarriage said:


> ljtseng,
> 
> I do not think that Badluck Chuck is being apathetic; he's just putting on his defense mechanism (he has been doing this since he was a kid, remember?)


Ya apathetic was probably the wrong word. I still think he doesnt know what he wants, though.


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## Badluck Chuck (Nov 3, 2008)

Well....since this issue was brought up on that Monday, I've been extremely busy trying to at least make some progress in this marriage. I've been to the doctor's about my potential depressive state. I've also found a Catholic church near my home and have begun going to Sunday mass, then followed up with Bible study. Since I was baptized Lutheran and haven't been to church since I was 9, I figured that would be a great help in the right path to a more productive life. 

This lie was only about my job position in the military, about 7 years before I met my wife. It's has never affected my life, past-present employment, or financial status. It was just a lie to make me look better, but looking back at my job in the military, it was actually a very tough and rewarding job. So, I really don't understand, myself, why I even said it in the first place.

I see what y'all are saying and I appreciate your time on this issue of mine. To me, and everyone I have discussed this with, to include her parents, it seems that my wife is expanding it more than it should be.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Badluck Chuck said:


> This lie was only about my job position in the military, about 7 years before I met my wife. It's has never affected my life, past-present employment, or financial status. It was just a lie to make me look better, but looking back at my job in the military, it was actually a very tough and rewarding job. So, I really don't understand, myself, why I even said it in the first place.


is there a great amount of anxiety in trying to please your wife chuck?


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