# Are dealing with addictions similar to infidelity?



## stupad

Hi . . . I've been reading many of these posts all over TAM. As some of you know, I am in recovery for alcoholism/abuse (three weeks in). My wife has been fed up for awhile. After hearing stories from other AAs and on TAM, I wasn't as bad as it gets. (But then again, her HELL is her hell regardless of what others are going through).

My question, are there similarities for what the non-addict spouse goes through as for the non-cheating spouse in a case of infidelity. There has been the lying, the deception (in the case of the addict, there is much self-deception), the secret rituals, the shame - in the end. 

There are times when I think my wife would really rather that I go back to drinking - at least she'll have a clear-cut reason to end the marriage.


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## the guy

Yes
There's guilt, for doing it even though it hurt others.
It feels good and when things feel good we want more of it.
It effect other around us but we continue.
We find ways to justify it.
When it come time to want to stop we can't b/c we are so far into it we only see there is no way out so we continue.

But there is a way out, we must confront it and admit there is a problem.


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## stupad

Hey Guy - thanks. I was thinking more about how the OS goes through it. I guess I could think about complete transparency (I'm not drinking - there are no more hidden bottles, ????). 

And to be honest, I am feeling like my recovery is a personal journey and do not want to share with her. This gets into controlling issues that she has (and perhaps helped to get us to where we are????). Like, I feel if I tell her I am going to meetings and talking with people, it will be only a matter of a day or so when she'll be asking what meeting(s) I'm hitting, how many people I've been speaking to, etc. etc. And all the other controlling crap she latches onto.


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## the guy

Thats when you tell her the cold hard truth, hold nothing back, b/c the truth will set you free.

IMO we hold back and minimize the reality b/c we're so concerned with other peoples feeling that we put yourselfs aside. So when you take that varible out of the equation and stay true to your self then all the controling behavior our chicks has is put aside b/c we no longer make excuses, but rather a statement of fact and the alpha male can come out b/c we have nothing to hide and no matter what.... we can justify are actions as truth, instead of abeasment ( making other happy ) sorry cant spell.

My chick can't control what she can't have. I do things to better my self not for her. She is more then welcome to join the ride.

I will not control her and she has the choice to stay or leave, but my healthy behavior is for me and me alone, the by product of my dicisions is then a healthier relationship with others.


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## CLucas976

I think, in a way they are very similar.

when I first got with stbx, we were partiers..well. No. He is an addict, and I was into drinking a few beers by the lake mostly.

almost 6 months in, we quit everything all together in an effort to help his addict sister (who died in 2010 from her addictions) I remember him telling me I was the only reason he stopped. The only reason he had in life to not destroy himself.

So I spent 6yrs of my life trying to make everything as perfect as possible. I wanted to be good enough for him to not need that high, much like at least, I, would strive to be more appealing than the other woman. in fact, towards the very bitter end I was striving to be better than the other women.

I encouraged and fully supported every non-drug activity, begged and pleaded, felt the pain and betrayal, dealt with the lies etc. 

It feels like I've been through the same thing, although I've experienced both with him EAs and addiction, as well as PAs during the separation while we were "working" on things and I got to watch him hit rock bottom running and turn away my support and love still.

idk how controlling your wife is, or where her head is at, but it is hard once you've dealt with the secrecy and lies to not over worry and be overly cynical and to put yourself aside and let the person change for themselves. I know I tried hard, and I know I told him plenty of times "if this is what you want to do for YOU and you can feel good and be proud of it, do it..please"

Kudos to you for your improvement, and it is very much probably best that you keep the wife out of it for now. you need the space to fix you, and she needs the space to deal with herself.

all good things in time


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## stupad

Thanks for your thoughts and kind words CLucas. I can see some of that 'making things perfect' traits with my wife. It never occured to me that by making things perfect, the hope was that I would turn away from all that that 'wasn't perfect'. All these behaviors (both the addict and the 'helper') seem to make so much sense to each person in the thick of it all, but seem so bizarre from the (saner) outside looking in). wow.


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## riteshnarula

Thanks to share your think


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