# I don't wanna cheat



## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

Hi, I registered just now because i need advice, sometimes a stranger can give the best advice. I'm 28 and I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years, we had a normal relationship with its high and its lows and we still care for each other deeply...Lately I've been spending lots of time with a friend of mine and I think I'm falling for her....I don't know how to handle this because i do care about my girlfriend but i think i'm no longer in love with her...our relationship wore out because of multiple pressures from everyday's life, our university studies are not going so well and her family never accepted me, actually her family is kind of insane....moreover we never really shared the same interests...she is very calm and like simple things, I'm quite the opposite hyperactive and i have a need for travelling which really doesn't suit her because she's very bound to the peace and quiet of her own home. With this other girl I can speak about anything, we share the same interest and the same sense of humor.....the difficult part is that my girlfrient became kind of dependent on me, she keeps on saying stuff like"never leave me, i've got you only" probably because she can see we are growing apart...she had to have some very serious rows with her family in the past years when her father found out we were togheter and she basically barely speaks to them now so I'm feeling really stuck in this situation in wich leaving her would mean pushing her over the edge....I've decided long ago, as soon as I was able to think for myself, that cheating is never acceptable and I strongly don't want to fall into this trick...but this is getting really frustrating since I keep on dreaming of having a different life but never find the way to make a turn... what is your advice?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Being in a relationship with someone because they "need" you but you're not "connected" to them has failure written all over it. Get out now. It's only going to get more difficult as time goes on. 

And just as an FYI... You're already cheating on your GF. Recognize that, or it will bite you in the ass. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Either fix your relationship or break up. If you still care for your girlfriend, help her transition to being single.

All the reasons you listed are reasons to break up, NOT reasons to cheat.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

First- you are already having an affair, an emotional affair. Everything you feel about your girlfriend will be skewed because of this affair. You need to get rid of the friend. No contact whatsoever. Then work on rebuilding your marriage OR work on breaking up. But get rid of the friend first so you can have a clear view of your relationship and girlfriend.


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

yeah I kind of knew what the answers would be....guess I'm not as strong as I thought....the real question is...how do you break up with someone who needs you without breaking them? I'm introvert and I tend to fend everytime there's serious talk around, saying thing the wrong way, regretting not being able to put my point across....


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> First- you are already having an affair, an emotional affair. Everything you feel about your girlfriend will be skewed because of this affair. You need to get rid of the friend. No contact whatsoever. Then work on rebuilding your marriage OR work on breaking up. But get rid of the friend first so you can have a clear view of your relationship and girlfriend.


:iagree: :smthumbup: :iagree:


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

bricco said:


> yeah I kind of knew what the answers would be....guess I'm not as strong as I thought....the real question is...how do you break up with someone who needs you without breaking them? I'm introvert and I tend to be on fend everytime there's serious talk around, saying thing the wrong way, regretting not being able to put my point across....


So, what you are saying is you have chosen the other woman over your long-time girlfriend and now you want advice on how to break up? Just clarifying so we can all give you the best advice now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

"Girlfriend, I want to break up."

It's pretty simple.

Stop stringing her along while you carry on with someone else which is exactly what you are doing. It's not right. You know that.

Also, everything new becomes old. You said it was fun before but now it's boring a routine; it will become routine with anyone. Eventually.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You are NOT in love with your Girlfriend , face it right now, speak it out loud if you have to.... you 2 are also NOT compatible in a variety of areas that WILL cause contention down the road...(homebody vs Traveler.. Humor, interests -these things are HUGE...don't discount them!)... so even if you didn't cheat, you will be bored in the future and hurt her anyway.. 

None of us want to be with a lover who has his feet half outside the door to be with someone else.... end it.. do it as lovingly as you can -without hurting her.... but she is NOT the one for you.. it is good you never made it to marriage anyway...

She deserves to find a man who truly cares about her, and wants to be with her as much as she craves to be with him, a balanced mutual give & take and faithfulness.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> at.
> 
> Also, everything new becomes old. You said it was fun before but now it's boring a routine; it will become routine with anyone. Eventually.


:iagree: Not to mention he is in the "fog" right now so everything about his AP is all perfect and fantasy while everything about his girlfriend is bad.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I agree with everyone who has responded so far, you are already cheating, now you want someone to talk you out of sleeping with this girl and closing the deal so to speak.
If you really care for your girlfriend, you will stop all contact with this other person now today, makes no difference relationships born out of infidelity fail at a very high rate(there are studies and percentages) so you and this other girl will probably break up anyhow.
You will do so much less damage to your girlfriend if you break up without the stain of cheating on your relationship. Instead of putting your energy into someone else put it into your her and if still doesn't work then make the break with your dignity intact.


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

are you basically saying I'm being a self centered jerk? I care for her, she used to be my everything and helped me trough tough times...I told her many times that it was not healty for us to be togheter because I felt I was dragging her into my world, that she was molding herself into something she is not just to be with me, I don't want that...she sai she's doing it for herself, she feels better now...but i can see sadness in her eyes and i never feel we really connect on some things like movies art or travelling....but she always told me that this has nothing to do with relationships...that you don't have to share interests to share emotions....This was my first ever relationship....maybe I'm the one who is dependent...maybe I'm scared to end it because I don't know what to do next


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> :iagree: Not to mention he is in the "fog" right now so everything about his AP is all perfect and fantasy while everything about his girlfriend is bad.


Yeah I started to type that, about the standard pattern that follows but then I got tired and deleted it.

Script.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bricco said:


> are you basically saying I'm being a self centered jerk?


We are just telling you what you already know to be true: that you can't have your cake and eat it, too.

How would you feel if your girlfriend were doing this to you? Answer that honestly.

You mention having fallen for this other chick which indicates that you have spent enough time with her to build up some kind of romantic feeling. 

If you want out of your relationship, end it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't think you're a self-centered jerk, but I do think it would be self-centered and jerky to stay in the relationship.

Here's the thing: there IS no nice way to break up with someone who doesn't want to break up with you. It's just one of those hard things in life that has to be done. You have no ability or responsibility to make it painless. Just do it.

For what it's worth, I don't think it's a very nice thing of her to do to put you in the position of feeling like she "only has you." That seems very needy and manipulative. She's a big girl, and she can handle life without you, even if she doesn't realize it. If anything, you are doing a better thing for her in the long run to break up with her.


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> You mention having fallen for this other chick which indicates that you have spent enough time with her to build up some kind of romantic feeling.


 we lived together for 6 months.......................

how do I make this about us and not about HER? the first thing my girlfriend is gonna say is, are you leaving me for HER? which is not actually true...I don't even know if something will ever happen with the other girl....what I do know is that I shouldn't be thinking about her if there still was something to save in my current relationship...Is that right? Or Is this just a phase and things will go back to normal? On the other hand do I want a relationship with someone so differenT? Do I need someone that grounds me or someone i can share dreams with?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Take the OW out of the picture for a couple of months - TOTALLY out of the picture - and see how you feel about your gf. I have a feeling the two of you are just not meant for each other. That isn't a reflection on either one of you. It just is what it is.

First break ups always hurt the worst. But - if you lived with this OW for six months, you had to break up with her, right?? I am not understanding. Was this time you lived with her before you were with your gf??


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

bricco said:


> we lived together for 6 months.......................
> 
> how do I make this about us and not about HER? the first thing my girlfriend is gonna say is, are you leaving me for HER? which is not actually true...I don't even know if something will ever happen with the other girl....what I do know is that I shouldn't be thinking about her if there still was something to save in my current relationship...Is that right? Or Is this just a phase and things will go back to normal? On the other hand do I want a relationship with someone so differenT? Do I need someone that grounds me or someone i can share dreams with?


It doesn't matter what you make it about. Again, there is NO NICE WAY TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BREAK UP WITH YOU. You just have to do it.

But the second part of your post I don't understand -- only you can answer those questions. Originally I thought you said your relationship was never really good and you were only staying because you thought she "needed" you. Now you're changing your tune? What do you mean "go back to normal"?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

bricco said:


> yeah I kind of knew what the answers would be....guess I'm not as strong as I thought....the real question is...how do you break up with someone who needs you without breaking them? I'm introvert and I tend to fend everytime there's serious talk around, saying thing the wrong way, regretting not being able to put my point across....


Your doing more of a disservice to her by staying with her when your not in love with her. In the long run whether she sees or not does not really matter, If you do not love her she should know this.

You sound like you care tho, From what you say you really do not want to hurt her, sit her down tell her the truth, and exactly how you feel..... You want to put your point across, you have to be brave and do it.


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

John Lee said:


> It doesn't matter what you make it about. Again, there is NO NICE WAY TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BREAK UP WITH YOU. You just have to do it.
> 
> But the second part of your post I don't understand -- only you can answer those questions. Originally I thought you said your relationship was never really good and you were only staying because you thought she "needed" you. Now you're changing your tune? What do you mean "go back to normal"?


Yeah, I'm confused that's it....I probably should think about it some more....our relationship had its highs and lows and even if we never really shared the same interest it somehow worked, but I did feel very resticted and misunderstood at times...
Ok I'm gonna stop posting stupid streams of conciousness...I don't know what i was expecting to read...
I know this: I like to be loved as anybody else, I care about my girlfriend, I don't love her anymore....yes I have to find a way to tell her this...end of it....I'm being a whiney teenager when I'm not one anymore...probably because this was my first love and it's going to be my first brakeup...ok sorry for being annoying then...have a nice day


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

bricco said:


> Yeah, I'm confused that's it....I probably should think about it some more....our relationship had its highs and lows and even if we never really shared the same interest it somehow worked, but I did feel very resticted and misunderstood at times...
> Ok I'm gonna stop posting stupid streams of conciousness...I don't know what i was expecting to read...
> I know this: I like to be loved as anybody else, I care about my girlfriend, I don't love her anymore....yes I have to find a way to tell her this...end of it....I'm being a whiney teenager when I'm not one anymore...probably because this was my first love and it's going to be my first brakeup...ok sorry for being annoying then...have a nice day


If you genuinely are unsure, as opposed to just afraid to breakup, then I agree with the poster who said you should stop seeing the other woman altogether for a while. Right now you're half-in half-out and that's not going to help you make a decision.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Can you please clarify this business of living with the OW?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

But I do caution you, beware of mistaking your anxiety about having to do something difficult for "confusion" about the relationship. Is your relationship really a keeper, or is it just that you have trouble facing a breakup?


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Can you please clarify this business of living with the OW?



We shared an appartment for 6 months while i was giving my last exams...


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

John Lee said:


> But I do caution you, beware of mistaking your anxiety about having to do something difficult for "confusion" about the relationship. Is your relationship really a keeper, or is it just that you have trouble facing a breakup?



If only I knew that...but i guess I'm afraid of the unknown...which is kind of immature i know


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

bricco said:


> We shared an appartment for 6 months while i was giving my last exams...


OK, so it was platonic? Were you 'with' your gf at that time?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

bricco said:


> If only I knew that...but i guess I'm afraid of the unknown...which is kind of immature i know


Yes it is! Do you know how you become more mature? By doing things that are hard for you to do. Not by thinking.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

bricco said:


> If only I knew that...but i guess I'm afraid of the unknown...which is kind of immature i know


You say you don't know. Well think back on your relationship. Were there times when you legitimately thought "this is the one. she's who I want to be with"? Did you ever have strong feelings for her?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bricco said:


> we lived together for 6 months.......................
> 
> how do I make this about us and not about HER? the first thing my girlfriend is gonna say is, are you leaving me for HER?


Huh? 

Who do you live with? Your girlfriend or the OW? (Other woman)? 

I don't know what you mean about "how do I make this about US and not about HER?" Us who? Us meaning you and your girlfriend? Or us meaning you and the other woman? It sounds like when we agree with you, you start saying maybe you are the one who is co-dependent; o you waffle; then if we tell you we disagree with you, you kind of get defensive and say you have to do it because xyz. You seem confused



bricco said:


> what I do know is that I shouldn't be thinking about her if there still was something to save in my current relationship...Is that right? Or Is this just a phase and things will go back to normal? On the other hand do I want a relationship with someone so different? Do I need someone that grounds me or someone i can share dreams with?


You are asking a lot of questions that only you can answer. 

If you mean that you already live with the other woman, then yes, if your girlfriend has sensed you cheating on her w/ this chick and the fact that you live with her, then yes, she will think the new chick is part of reason for the break up. Which honestly, she is. You said yourself you have fallen for someone else and you like her so to say she isn't part of your reason for wanting out would be a lie. So you need to own that. 



John Lee said:


> But the second part of your post I don't understand -- only you can answer those questions. Originally I thought you said your relationship was never really good and you were only staying because you thought she "needed" you. Now you're changing your tune? What do you mean "go back to normal"?


I agree. The posts are confusing and contradictory.



bricco said:


> I know this: I like to be loved as anybody else, I care about my girlfriend,* I don't love her anymore*....yes I have to find a way to tell her this...end of it....


Ok, well then there it is.

IMO, the worst possible most selfish thing you could do to someone is stay in a relationship with them making them think you love them...when you don't.

If you do not love her anymore, then end it stat. To me there is nothing more cruel and cold than feigning love in someone that you really don't love at all.


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

John Lee said:


> You say you don't know. Well think back on your relationship. Were there times when you legitimately thought "this is the one. she's who I want to be with"? Did you ever have strong feelings for her?



Yes i did think she was the one but i never had anyone else so how do I know?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When you are truly with 'the one', it is NOT that hard. Sure it involves work, but overall things are far better than you've painted them to be.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

bricco said:


> Yes i did think she was the one but i never had anyone else so how do I know?


Elaborate? What did you feel? What did you think? What made you think she was special for you? When? How long did it last? Did it come back at times after the first time it went away?


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Huh?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I lived 6 months with the OW. it alwas was platonic.


Ok I got it, I've got to be a big boy and do the right thing, I'll face the truth and try to brake up with my girlfriend, If i regret it I'll live with the consequences...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Take time out from your current LTR. Concentrate on your studies for few months. Tell your GF that you can meet after three weeks to talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

John Lee said:


> Elaborate? What did you feel? What did you think? What made you think she was special for you? When? How long did it last? Did it come back at times after the first time it went away?



I had a whole plan of taking her with me wherever life took me and build a family with her...see the world together and have kids later...then I realized she doesn't like to travel,she doesn't want to see the world..that she needs stability and cosyness ,she wants to stay home...i don't want to drag people into things they don't want and I was up to compromise and giving up part of my dreams but I'm now realizing it will never be enogh to keep us together...i don't want to completely change myself and disrespect my needs...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does this friend of yours know you have the hots for her? Have you ever hooked up with her? 

What did your girlfriend say about you living with another chick?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

BREAK up, sweetie, not BRAKE up 

If you never do anything that you MIGHT regret, you'll never do anything.


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Does this friend of yours know you have the hots for her? Have you ever hooked up with her?
> 
> What did your girlfriend say about you living with another chick?



No, and I'm not planning on telling her anything,I don't think it would be fair on my girlfriend if anything ever happened with her when she was understanding and trusted me when I decided to live with the OW...she trusts me because I'm a pretty honest person and I tend to tell the truth,that's why I'm so disappointed I got myself into this mess...

Hope  be gentle, I'm Italian, my english is kind of rusty...and that was a typo  a funny one at that...maybe I really need to brake for a while and then decide if we should actually break ;-)


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

bricco said:


> we lived together for 6 months.......................
> 
> how do I make this about us and not about HER?* the first thing my girlfriend is gonna say is, are you leaving me for HER?* which is not actually true...I don't even know if something will ever happen with the other girl....what I do know is that I shouldn't be thinking about her if there still was something to save in my current relationship...Is that right? Or Is this just a phase and things will go back to normal? On the other hand do I want a relationship with someone so differenT? Do I need someone that grounds me or someone i can share dreams with?


Sounds like your girlfriend already knows something is going on between you two
Who knows if this is a phase you aren't married and you have doubts, "do I need someone like this or like that". Either way it sounds like you are not ready for any permanent relationship until you figure out who you are and what you want.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> BREAK up, sweetie, not BRAKE up


:rofl: I am a grammar queen, too.

Bricco--it sounds like you already know what to do, and you know that it is going to suck having to do it. I wish you luck.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I promise to be gentle 

So, are you going to give up the OW and see what happens, or are you going to break up with your gf?


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl: I am a grammar queen, too.
> 
> 
> 
> Bricco--it sounds like you already know what to do, and you know that it is going to suck having to do it. I wish you luck.



Wow I really must have annoyed you then with my shaky english...eheh JK!

Jokinig apart, thanks for your attention and your useful words, I'll find the strenght to do the right thing.


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> I promise to be gentle
> 
> 
> 
> So, are you going to give up the OW and see what happens, or are you going to break up with your gf?



I'm gonna break up with my gf and try to spend some time alone so I'm sure I'm not letting anything other than my brain decide...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

bricco said:


> I'm gonna break up with my gf and try ???to spend some time alone so I'm sure I'm not letting anything other than my brain decide...


Take out that nasty three letter word I highlighted and you've got it. Someone has this quote from Yoda in their signature: "Do, or do not. There is no try"


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Good plan. 

Do not cheat. Get out of the first relationship, before starting another one. 

Give your head some time to clear. Treat your girlfriend that way you would want to be treated if she was breaking up with you.

Be nice about it, but if that is what you want, be firm. Then let her heal and do not contact her again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bricco said:


> Wow I really must have annoyed you then with my shaky english...eheh JK!


No, it wasn't an annoyance from you. To me, it's just funny when I find people who are also really into grammar, like Hope. We're like a little band of spelling bees. Haha.



Hope1964 said:


> Someone has this quote from Yoda in their signature: "Do, or do not. There is no try"


I always thought Yoda is pretty sexy. The way he talks all backwards and whatnot.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I blame my grammar intolerance on the fact I am a voracious reader.


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## bricco (Jan 24, 2014)

Just to take the drama off this conversation...and make it more about my egocentrical chauvinist self...Is my english that bad? Did you get right away I wasn't mother tongue?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

No, your English is not that bad. I picked up on your 'brake' typo because I also thought it was perhaps a Freudian slip  I can also tell you're trying. People that insist on typing in textspeak are a zillion time more irritating than you are, BELIEVE me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I blame my grammar intolerance on the fact I am a voracious reader.



LOL. There's something to be said for that. Most people who are grammar geeks are avid readers. Myself included. I was in a lecture recently with one chick who was saying all her friends love her to proof their work cause she reads a lot and they think she is a "geek." I secretly high-fived her. Hahaha.



bricco said:


> Just to take the drama off this conversation...and make it more about my egocentrical chauvinist self...Is my english that bad? Did you get right away I wasn't mother tongue?


No, you are fine. There are some words you may have mixed up but the bigger issue is that you need to resolve this thing with your girlfriend first.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> People that insist on typing in textspeak are a zillion time more irritating than you are, BELIEVE me.


_o rely??! u meaN lik di$?_

:rofl:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

srsly!!!!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> No, it wasn't an annoyance from you. To me, it's just funny when I find people who are also really into grammar, like Hope. We're like a little band of spelling bees. Haha.


I'm a grammar queen with a high tolerance for not mentioning it. 



> I always thought Yoda is pretty sexy. The way he talks all backwards and whatnot.


If so strong in the Force Yoda is, then why construct a correct sentence cannot he?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cletus said:


> I'm a grammar queen with a high tolerance for not mentioning it.


Good for you.



Cletus said:


> If so strong in the Force Yoda is, then why construct a correct sentence cannot he?


Because then he wouldn't be Yoda.


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