# Wife wanting to spice things up



## gregsoleman (Jun 21, 2017)

I'm hoping someone here can offer genuine advice. My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have two children. I don't have a particularly high sex drive, we do still have regular sex but it's only about once a week. I'm well aware this is below the average but in all honesty I am just not often in the mood for it. My wife has always had a very high sex drive and since the start of our relationship has "supplemented" her sex life with toys, porn and occasional thrills like webcam masturbation, all of which I am absolutely ok with. She is blessed with the gift of multiple orgasms whereas me... well, once is enough to keep me happy for days! Far be it from me to limit her pleasure if she can get it from other sources, and until now those other sources have always been enough to satisfy her.

I am not sure what changed but recently she's started dropping frequent hints about "spicing things up", needing something new in her life and so on. The other night she was on webcam with a guy and afterwards was telling me how gorgeous she thought he looked, which again I don't mind as I am not really the jealous type, besides I could see the guy really was attractive so - fair enough...

But then she started going on about what would it be like to actually meet someone like that, how some couples have open relationships and how did I feel about that thought. She was saying things like "it must take a really strong relationship to do something like that" and then asking me if the thought of her actually having sex with another man excited me, if I'd ever fantasized about it. I told her I wasn't really sure and I'd have to think about it.

Then she teased me, going "would you want to watch? what would you have me do with him?". She made it all sound like a joke but I think she was really testing my reactions.

The more I thought about the conversation afterwards, the more I convinced myself that it was a pretty straightforward request to give this a try.

The thing is, I am not against it in principle, as I said I am not a jealous person and a few times I've even fantasized about watching her with another man (or woman...) and I do think our relationship is probably strong enough to survive it and to adapt. I'm sure there are plenty of couples that are perfectly happy in open marriages.

I am just worried that if we take this step there's really no going back and if I discover - once I'm actually faced with the reality of it - that it hurts my feelings and I decide that I don't want it to carry on, she will have had a taste of the excitement of the whole "cuckold" scenario and will struggle to give it up. Maybe she'll stop for me, but deep inside she'll resent it, and I wouldn't want that.

Is it better to not even contemplate the possibility? What if it's exactly what our relationship needs? She gets to fulfill her fantasy and I'm "off the hook" in terms of the pressure of trying to satisfy her, which sometimes feels like a major burden rather than a pleasure.

I know it's a complex issue and don't expect straightforward solutions, in the end only my wife and I can make this decision and we'll have to live with the consequences, but I am genuinely interested in other people's opinion, maybe some of you live in an open marriage or have been through this sort of dilemma? What should we look out for if we decide to open things up? As far as I am concerned, the stability of our family and the happiness of our children is the most important thing, but I also want my wife to be happy and if this is something she really wants, I am willing to at least consider it.


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## TChousewife (Jun 16, 2017)

Maybe before you two ACTUALLY bring a third person, maybe try using a webcam. Like film you two having sex or something.

Me and my husband have done that once and while hot, wasn't something we wanted to do again.

I also think you should be more active should you do this, not be the cuckold but be an active participant.

That's just my opinion seeing as how that's not something me and husband would do, but we both have friends who have tried it


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

gregsoleman said:


> but I also want my wife to be happy and if this is something she really wants, I am willing to at least consider it.


I feel that this is like a train wreck in its initial stages. You are in danger of losing your wife. I understand that it may be stressful to keep your wife sexually satisfied, but the stress you'll feel after she begins sleeping with other men with higher sex drives will be so much worse. If I were you, I would do everything in my power to determine if my sex drive can be ramped up. This would include having my T levels checked.


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## gregsoleman (Jun 21, 2017)

Thanks but I'm not really interested in getting involved if she's doing it with a guy, just not my thing. Besides I am getting as much sex as I need, it's my wife who wants "more". As for webcam, I am happy for her to use it (which she does frequently) but again, not interested in a starring role, I am way too reserved for that. Maybe I'm just a boring kind of person, which would explain why she needs more spice...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Wow, this is quite the situation and my response will probably end up being pretty long and probably more complex than the simple, "Don't-do-it!" response you were hoping for. 

For starters, I am an experienced swinger that has had 10 years of swinging experience and have been to clubs, conventions, conferences etc all over the country and my wife and I have had hundreds of encounters with other couples, groups and some singles. 

As such, I have no moral or ethical problems with consensual nonmonogamy, but there are a number of practical considerations at play and I must also add that the dynamics for which you are describing is a powder keg and a minefield. 

Let me first describe the characteristics of couples who get into swinging that do well, have fun, do not have any marital crisis that comes from it and for whom it adds another layer of enjoyment and excitation to their marriage.

Those couples are stable, invested in their marriages, are very respectful and compassion towards each other, have an active and satisfying sex life and have an extraordinary level of communication and ability to negotiable AND ADHERE TO a laundry list of rules, boundaries and limits in an effort to protect their marriage and protect their connection to each other. 

Additionally I must also state that not all swinging/open marriage/polyamory/nonmonogamy is created equally. Some activities and pursuits have more risk and some have less risk than others. 

In couples where the female half is bisexual and the couple wants to invite another female into the bedroom for both parties to play with, and where the female half has no interest in other males is likely the least likely to cause marital issues, although a personal good friend of mine who I have known for over 30 years recently had her husband move another woman into their house and then left the marriage a few weeks later within a month of bringing another woman into their bedroom so it does happen. 

Couples that full swap with other couples are probably at a slightly higher risk of serious marital damage, but since it is something where everyone is playing together, that risk often gets leveled out. 

And finally in couples where the female is the sexually active one and the male is less adventurous and is mostly on the sidelines as a spectator is by far and away the highest risk of all. 

It is at a level of risk to where it is almost a certainty that she will transfer her sexual energies and desires to the other man/men and will lose all respect and desire and sexual attraction for her husband. 

And shortly there after will either leave the marriage outright to be with someone else. 

Or she will completely cuckold the husband and keep him around to babysit while she goes out and to pay the bills for home while she has sex with the other men and no longer has sex with the husband. 

My fear in your situation is you are completely setting yourself up for that latter scenario. 

The fact that you are already somewhat sexually passive and low-energy and she has already established a pattern of seeking outside sexual stimulation and fulfilment - I believe it will just be a matter or weeks or a month or two before she is completely infatuated with someone else and all of her sexual energies will transfer to him and you will just be the guy that babysits the kids while she parties and the one who takes care of the house while she screws other guys.

And no woman is sexually attracted to the maid and the babysitter so she will lose all respect and desire for you and if she stays with you at all, your only source of sexual activity will be listening to her sexual exploits and cleaning the semen stains out of her underwear. 

Swinging and open marriage can work for some men, but those men have to be the bulls and they have to be the big stud around town themselves. They have to be able to slam the other women into the next week and then take their wife home and plow her into a quivering bowl of jello and completely outperform all of the other men that she has been with. 

I don't see you doing that. 

This is a game that you will likely lose.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

We tried it and my husband almost killed himself. With his 9mm XDS. You can click on my name and read my thread on our story. Needless to say, I wouldn't recommend opening your marriage. Our situation was pretty extreme, but we closed our marriage, got considerable therapy, and are still together doing well.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Based on my own observations and experiences, I completely agree with oldshirt's analysis and the likely outcome. If you go along with this, you will probably lose your wife. If you don't go along, you may still lose your wife if she is too sexually frustrated to stay in the relationship - but there is a much better chance she'll stay if you have a good relationship overall. If you can up your sexual game even a little, it may help tremendously.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

She doesn't want to spice it up. She wants to find a new and exciting man that wants to please her. You should consider divorce and find someone with a lower drive. This isn't going to end well. I bet she is cheating on you anyways, you seem like a guy who would bury his head in the sand.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Adding new people is probably not the best way to "spice things up". 

If you are willing / able to be more adventurous in bed, that might satisfy her need for excitement. If not, then you have to think carefully about whether or not you are OK with her being sexually active with other men. No one can answer that for you. Some people are OK, with it, but the great majority are not.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think you are asking for trouble...no good deed goes unpunished...please please do not cross that line....you will regret it


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Might as well try it. You're going to lose her anyway. Anyone who callously disregards their spouse's needs because their own needs are being satisfied is in danger of this. Hey, at least you won't have to go all NCIS trying to figure out who she is cheating on you with. You'll have had a ringside seat.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> It is at a level of risk to where it is almost a certainty that she will transfer her sexual energies and desires to the other man/men and will lose all respect and desire and sexual attraction for her husband.


Bingo


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

This will be my first post ever on this forum, i typically read alot and take advice from other ppl and find ways to apply it if necessary. I thought this would definitely be something to post on, as I read, im talking aloud saying no, don't do it!! 
I think you opening your marriage is crazy. I think you will find that you are no more than a baby sitter for your wife. 
My wife and i both have very high sex drives but that is who we are and it works well. I am the type of guy, i will NOT share my smokin hot wife with anyone. I married her because i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, not her and 10 other guys or even one other guy. I would have to agree with all of the rest of the posters above me. It's trouble. Why are you not interested in pleasing your wife? Is the sex not good? Have you tried different positions? Do you give and receive oral? Do you guys build up to sex, such as flirting throughout the day or sexting? My wife and i have a great sex life because we make it a point to please one another. I am somewhat passive as i am new the sexual relationship, my first wife was a once a month, if that. It would last about 3 minutes and that included a blow job so needless to say, i spent time watching porn and taking care of my own needs without her most of the time. I met my second wife and it has been awesome ever since. We love each other so very much and we make sure to let each other know it too. We make sure that we take care to meet the needs of the other. 
I really think you are making a mistake and i think that maybe you should ramp up your sex life to fulfill all of her fantasies and make sure she never has to go anywhere else, you are the man. 

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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I have no personal experience with this, and would never, ever, ever bring other people into my marriage.

I had friends who opted to start swinging. I have never seen a more disasterous result of a decision. Every single person in the family were TERRIBLY affected. All the way down to the grandkids. The couple lost everything, including each other. Was it worth it for some hot sex? Only they can answer that. You must walk down the hall of consequences on this one, opening every door to see how this will be end...then make your choice. The chances you will remain a intact family unit are very minimal.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Another possibility to consider is she is already sleeping with someone else and is just looking for a roundabout way to get your permission. My XW tried that with me during her affair, but I didn't take the bait.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

gregsoleman said:


> Thanks but I'm not really interested in getting involved if she's doing it with a guy, just not my thing. *Besides I am getting as much sex as I need, it's my wife who wants "more".* As for webcam, I am happy for her to use it (which she does frequently) but again, not interested in a starring role, I am way too reserved for that. Maybe I'm just a boring kind of person, which would explain why she needs more spice...


That is a pretty selfish attitude to take. You are both supposed to be meeting each others needs and hers are clearly not being.

Since you don't seem to be bothered about her having sexual intimacy with others, and have no real desire for it yourself, how about granting her the open marriage so she can go and date, and sleep with, other people without you needing to be there? Your marriage may or may not survive it. If/When she meets someone who actually desires her she will very likely be tempted to leave.

It sounds like she is trying to find a way to get you to desire her and failing. She isn't going to do that for too long as it's humiliating trying to get your partner to want you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

@gregsoleman

If you are a once and done kind of person, have you explored orgasm denial with your wife? If you have sex but avoid your orgasm, this allows you to maintain a much higher level of desire and frequency to enjoy spending much more time intimately with your wife that she seems to need from you.


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## gregsoleman (Jun 21, 2017)

RideofmyLife said:


> We tried it and my husband almost killed himself. With his 9mm XDS. You can click on my name and read my thread on our story. Needless to say, I wouldn't recommend opening your marriage. Our situation was pretty extreme, but we closed our marriage, got considerable therapy, and are still together doing well.


Wow, that's a horrific outcome, I certainly don't want that...

Oldshirt, thanks for the thorough reply, that was exactly the kind of perspective I was looking for, someone who is already in a working, successful open relationship. I can see that what you have with your wife is NOT what I am setting myself up for here.

I don't know why my wife and I don't have more sex but to be honest it's nothing new, the frequency and intensity has been more or less the same since we got married. Maybe we were a bit more wild when we first met, but ins't that the case with most relationships? She's always said she doesn't have a problem with my lower sex drive, that she's happy to "take care of herself" in other ways.

I think what sex we do have is pretty good: we do oral, we try different positions, I can be rough - at least for a short while - when she needs me to and I always make sure she climaxes (though to be honest it's not hard to make her come). I'm not into anal, she's asked for it a few times and I've given it a good go but I just don't enjoy it - sorry, shoot me if you think I'm crazy but I'd rather have regular intercourse any day...

So I don't want to give the impression that we have crap sex, I've seen enough amateur porn on Yuvutu to know how I compare to other guys. The frequency isn't great, but I'd say the duration and quality is "reasonable".

I don't think I have low testosterone levels but I'm willing to get tested, though I doubt my GP would prescribe hormone therapy to a 41 year old man, with all the risks involved, unless my levels are REALLY low.

I've asked my wife many times in the past if she wanted me to try Viagra so I could "perform" on nights when I'm not normally in the mood, but she always said she doesn't want that. She wants me to be myself, not some "artificially hardened penis" - she'd rather masturbate.

The truth is, I think she enjoys the idea of being naughty and doing something "bad", that's why she started the whole webcam thing which has now become a regular occurrence. Physical contact is just the next step on that ladder.

As some people pointed out, it's possible that the polyamory train is already in motion and much as I'd like to think I still have some control of it, maybe I don't. But if that's the case I'd much rather she cheated consensually (is it even cheating if it's consensual?) than behind my back.

I think tonight my wife and I are going to have a nice long talk. I'll express my concerns about the whole idea of inviting some stranger into our home and I'll try to gauge just how badly she wants it to happen. It may be that I am just reading too much into her comments and her teasing. I know she loves me and I know she doesn't want to hurt me, so she may well back down, but I just don't know. I'll report back either way.


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## gregsoleman (Jun 21, 2017)

badsanta said:


> @gregsoleman
> 
> If you are a once and done kind of person, have you explored orgasm denial with your wife? If you have sex but avoid your orgasm, this allows you to maintain a much higher level of desire and frequency to enjoy spending much more time intimately with your wife that she seems to need from you.


Haven't tried it but willing to, I'll definitely suggest it to her and see if she's up for it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Personally I think you should adjust your mental attitude to be more in tune with your w.

She has a high drive, so I would do things to improve my own drive to try to at least meet her half way - 3-4 times a week

That can include investigation t levels but also medications that can reduce drive

Also there is porn. Frankly I use that extensively to trigger my arousal and help me switch gears from work and family. I don't masturbate but look at free porn and it gets me ramped up. At mid 50's, my equipment can work without arousal so I need to take care of that myself

Why do I do that, instead of having sex less often? Because it is a very intimate act that binds me and my wife in a special way. Without sex, we are parents and roommates and occasionally do things together. With sex, we are man and w, our love chemicals flow, and our passion remains strong

Do not minimize all of the other intrinsics your w gets from sex - the bonding and passion are yours but you are letting it be directed at others 


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You mention polyamory, but that's not what she's asking about at the moment, at least. Poly is whole different thing - it's another form of consensual non-monogamy, but the fundamental concept is unlike the other forms. If the idea of her having sex with others bothers you, this will bother you more, I think, because it's about and encourages romantic, love-based relationships beyond the one you have now. But that's a discussion for another time, if the topic moves in that direction.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@gregsoleman I think you are under some false impressions on a few things. 

Men and women are different creatures that think, feel and respond differently from each other. 

It is obvious that you two have quite a bit different sex drives and different levels of sexual energy and desire. 

If the man has a higher sex drive, it is common for men around the world to have various concubines or FWBs or chicks on the side to make up the difference in sexual interests and they continue to come home and treat their wives well and live in relative domestic tranquility. They are simply getting a little extra on the side to make up the difference between how much they want vs how much their wife wants and everyone lives in relative peace and tranquility.

That does not apply equally to women when they are the higher desire partner in the relationship. 

If a woman is higher desire and she starts getting her batteries recharged outside of the marriage *even if it is with the consent of her husband* she will often sexually imprint on the other man/men and will quickly lose all respect, admiration and attraction and desire for husband. 

A woman cannot love and desire a man sexually that she does not respect and if another man is giving her better sex and more orgasms and is having a higher-energy sex life with her, she will quickly start to view her husband as weak and spineless and lazy and begin to feel that he does not love or value her. 

Mating-guarding is very important to women. It makes them feel valued and protected and cherished. When you knowingly allow another man to have sex with her, she will feel devalued and unloved by you and feel that you are weak *EVEN IF SHE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH THAT OTHER MAN/MEN.*

While all of this is happening, the other man will be telling her how desirable he finds her and that if she were his partner he would never let another man touch her and would never disrespect her by not protecting her. 

It can literally take days for her to lose all esteem for her husband and to fall in love with the other man. 

Even if the other man is married himself or does not want to have her fulltime and she chooses to stay with her husband, she will have no respect or desire for him and when that happens she will turn contemptuous and bitter and will find fault with every thing that he does. 

She may stay in the home and have him babysit the kids while she goes out and parties and she may stay married and let him pay all the bills, but she will have no warmth or respect or desire for him. 

She will quickly stop having any kind of physical affection or sexual contact with him or if she does she will just spread her legs and tell him to get it over with as soon as possible so she can go back to watching Grey's Anatomy. 

Then when the first guy that will have her fulltime that she feels some attraction for comes along, she will be out the door within weeks. 

So I am afraid you are thinking that she will respond like a dude in that if she got a little extra on the side, that everything will maintain fine at home. That is simply not how it works with women that have higher drive than her H. 

Man add additional sex partners and carry on business as usual. Women typically don't add additional partners - *THEY REPLACE.*

You are weeks away from being displaced in her heart as well as her being replaced in her jay-jay. 

I don't think you quite grasp the seriousness of this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This isn't simply an issue of your wife wanting to try out some kink and asking if you try some different things.

She is *DISSATISFIED* in her marriage and love life. You are not meeting her needs. 

And more troubling, you seem to not care about that you do not want to be bothered by that to the degree that you are considering letting other dudes fill her up with their seed. 

That is some serious neglect and some serious apathy. 

As some other posters have pointed out, she may already be getting some and is just wanting you to sign off on it so she doesn't have to spend the effort trying to cover her tracks. 

She may already have one and a half feet out the door and figured at this point it wouldn't hurt to ask because that way the neighbors and the church ladies couldn't point fingers at her and call her an adultress. 

And she may have reached a point of apathy herself where she simply doesn't care if it upsets you or not, so why not at least ask. 

So whether you open up your marriage or not - you have a serious issue on your hands. Simply saying no is not going to fix this. 

If you want to continue a happy, healthy and functional marriage, you are going to have to bump up your game big time. You are going to have to man-up and start being the man she needs. 

Athol Kay who is author of the "Married Man Sex Life," books and blogs says this real well when he says - "become the man she would have the affair with."

In other words, if you want to save your marriage and keep her as your loving wife, you need to become the man that she would want to have these affairs with and be the lover that will satisfy her. 

At the moment, you ain't it. You ain't it and it is just a short matter of time before she starts hooking up with dudes that do take care of her whether it is with your consent or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

gregsoleman said:


> Haven't tried it but willing to, I'll definitely suggest it to her and see if she's up for it.


You are simply not getting it. 

This isn't about asking her what parlor tricks you should try. 

You need to man-up and take more initiative and pump up the volume and become higher energy and be more sexually assertive and adventurous. 

It needs to be organic and a part of your being, not some slight-of-hand parlor trick. 

She is the one with all the energy and initiative here. She is the adventurous one driving the train. You need to take some initiative and make things happen in the bedroom and you don't do that by asking if that is something she wants to do - you just do it. 

Here's the thing about asking. For starters, whenever you ask - "do ya wanna?", you sound like a weenie to begin with. But the real issue is whenever you ask a woman if she wants to do something sexual, she's kind of obligated to the church and her mother and her conscience to say no, even if she wants to do it deep down. 

And even if she does want to do it and she does say yes, she will still be somewhat resentful disgusted that you had to ask and that she had say yes to it. 

Part of masculinity and part of male virility is just taking initiative and making things happen. If you are doing something she doesn't want, she will either say so or she will pull away. At that point you stop. 

I mean good God Man; she wants you to put it in her pooper and she is getting down with other dudes on the computer and is wanting to "F" other men, do you really think that she is a prude or some innocent, delicate little flower petal or snowflake????????

Grow some balls here. That is not just some cheesy advice from an internet stranger. that is an imperative in this situation. 

She is a hot, horny, sexually powerful woman who needs a ton more initiative and 'Alpha' from you or she is going to start screwing other men if she hasn't already. 

Why are you talking to her and asking her things? She already wants you to put it in her butt and she already wants to have sex with other people. Do you really think she will say 'no' to anything you come up with?????

Chicks sit and discuss things and talk about what their feelings about a topic are and have group discussions to get a group consensus and take a vote on which course of action everyone should take. 

Men do things. They do it without asking or discussion and they live with the consequences after. 

Now by that I do not mean doing things that someone has clearly said no. I am not talking doing things without consent. 

I am talking about taking initiative and making things happen.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP
Sex is very important to some people - a good sex life can be vital to their happiness. Unfortunately its something some people have a very difficult time discussing. 

For other people sex is just a nice thing to do sometime - but not really *important*. 



My view may be biased, but for me sex is important for happiness. I have a wonderful wife. She does all the things one would expect, she works, she cooks. We travel all over the world together. Have romantic dinners together. We are the perfect couple. Just one thing she very rarely wants sex. 

For her its no big deal. Sure we only have sex once a week or two - or several. She tries to make sure I get off every time so its must be good. Life is great.

For me our limited sex life is a cloud that hangs over everything. Despite having a beautiful loving wife, a good career, money etc - I always have this background unhappiness. This sense that I'm missing something important in my life. The feeling that I'm living with my sister, no my wife.


Your wife may be feeling like I do. She things she should be happy but she isn't. She may be wondering why it is so difficult for you to do something that makes her so happy. 


I suggest an experiment. Try having frequent passionate sex with your wife. Do the things she wants because you love her and want to make her happy. Don't do things you find really objectionable, but its OK if you don't particularly enjoy them - its for her. If she wants anal, the do it. If she wants you to be rough, or spank her, or whatever, give it a try. If you are not feeling "up" to it some evenings, then use fingers, oral , toys whatever. 

Try it for a month. You may find that you are able to make her much happier, and that it may not be all that much effort for you.

If its too much work, or she isn't happy, at least you will know that you tried. 

Otherwise I think you may be on a path to losing her.


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## gregsoleman (Jun 21, 2017)

Oldshirt, I hear everything you are saying and I totally respect your point of view. In fact I agree with most of it, but you're asking me to completely change the dynamics of our relationship and the way I behave towards her sexually. While this may be imperative in my current situation, it's not something I can just do overnight.

Of course I know I need to up my game and it's not as if I haven't tried already, I'm just not that kind of strong, dominating, alpha male type. Does that make me a lesser person? I used to think my wife loved me precisely for these different qualities: kindness, affection, ability to listen, dependability, respect for who she is. Now I'm not so sure, or at least I think even if she still loves me, she's a bit bored and wants the kind of excitement I can't give her.

Anyway, I wanted to report the conversation we had earlier tonight. I know I'll get crucified here for some of the things I said and did but so be it, I decided to go public with this (thank god for anonymity at least) so here goes.

I asked her about her comments after webcam the other night and if she was actually serious about inviting someone home. She immediately turned the question back at me and asked me if I thought she was being serious. I said I wasn't sure, but I thought maybe she was and I needed to know.

She told me she's been fantasizing about it for a while now but that's all it was, a fantasy. She'd never really do something like that if she thought it was going to hurt me. Then she asked "WOULD it hurt you?". I immediately sensed that might be an important test here: what if she was just trying to get me to assert my position, to see if I still loved her and wanted her all to myself? What if this whole thing, even the webcam meetings, had been just about that?

So I said "well yes of course, you're my wife, I want to be your only man. Webcams are one thing, but this is completely different."

Then she said something I wasn't expecting: "Is it different? How?" This really broke my flow because in my mental preparations I hadn't seen this coming at all, so I had no answers ready. She said "I meet other guys online, I talk dirty to them, I masturbate for them, I watch them cum, all right in front of you. You don't seem to mind that". I said of course it made me feel jealous, but I'd let her do it because I thought it satisfied her and made her happy. "It does make me happy - she said - but I'll stop if you want me to". I must confess at this point I felt very confused, in hindsight now I can see this was my golden opportunity to ask her to stop all that nonsense and go back to just being my wife, but I completely blew it. I told her I didn't want her to stop doing something she enjoyed so much, that I was used to the webcam thing now and sometimes I actually found it quite hot, not watching other guys but seeing how turned on she got, watching her cum so many times in one night. I just wasn't sure about physical contact with other guys. "But that's exactly my point - she said - if you got used to the webcam thing, who's to say you wouldn't get used to watching me with a real guy and maybe you'd love it? It works for lots of other couples." I was stunned so I didn't say anything, I just kind of sat there not sure how to respond. She said "I'm not saying I want to do it right now, I just want us to thihk about it and decide together if it's something that might work for us. If we don't think it will work, we won't do it. Simple as that". Then she said she loved me and kissed me.

And that was it. It finished with me promising to give it some serious thought and her telling me whatever we did, we would do together and in a way that made us both happy.

Well go ahead now, tell me what a weak and spineless man I am, I'm sure I deserve it. I went in feeling strong and came out completely defeated, what the hell is wrong with me?


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## deepsouth (Apr 28, 2017)

You lost way back when you said the webcam was okay. You know it, she knows it, and now it's game over.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If your spouse needs you to open the marriage against your will to keep the marriage, then there is no marriage. Breaking fidelity in marriage shouldn't be an ultimatum.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

It's not about positions, duration, or rock hard abs. She wants some passion. That's why she doesn't give a fig about viagra. She wants you to want her.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> It's not about positions, duration, or rock hard abs. She wants some passion. That's why she doesn't give a fig about viagra. She wants you to want her.




Times 1000

Dude, she wants SOMEONE to passionately tell her they want her

You won't do that for some reason, and you're making lame ass excuses "I can't change that quickly "

Yeah here's your 2x4! Just ****ing get some goddamn passion!

Seriously - this is it. If you bury your head in the sand this time YOU WILL LOSE YOUR WIFE

It's totally ok to say "I'm Not Ok with you having online sex or physical sex with anyone else. I want you to be happy, but if it means you have to go outside our marriage then I guess we should divorce so you can pursue what you want."

Seriously it's down to that. Step up or let her go 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

And if you're too wishy washy to let her know you care about her, and are too weak to say no to the web cheating, then at least stipulate that you have to be there from now on. Tell her to give you a bj while she's sexting online - frankly the guys will really like seeing her do that so she'll get off on the voyeurism, and you'll be part of it and she can bond with you


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

gregsoleman said:


> Oldshirt, I hear everything you are saying and I totally respect your point of view. In fact I agree with most of it, but you're asking me to completely change the dynamics of our relationship and the way I behave towards her sexually. While this may be imperative in my current situation, it's not something I can just do overnight.
> 
> Of course I know I need to up my game and it's not as if I haven't tried already, I'm just not that kind of strong, dominating, alpha male type. Does that make me a lesser person? I used to think my wife loved me precisely for these different qualities: kindness, affection, ability to listen, dependability, respect for who she is. Now I'm not so sure, or at least I think even if she still loves me, she's a bit bored and wants the kind of excitement I can't give her.
> 
> ...


You were afraid to be seen as controlling. You were afraid to draw a line in the sand concerning the webcam.

Afraid to lose her? She may be gone eventually. This was a giant feces test and you lost.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

gregsoleman said:


> I've asked my wife many times in the past if she wanted me to try Viagra so I could "perform" on nights when I'm not normally in the mood, but she always said she doesn't want that. She wants me to be myself, not some "artificially hardened penis" - she'd rather masturbate.


We have friends who had a somewhat similar sex life to yours - once a week, if that - and she was the one with the high drive.

He got a Viagra from a buddy of his just for kicks, took it one day, and they went at it for hours. Keep in mind, he didn't need it. Best sex she ever had.

As for the webcam stuff - join her. If you're cool with it, as you say you are, and she's already right into it, then why not? I know you said you're reserved, but either wear masks or simply don't show your face.

That may be the only way to keep the open marriage talk at bay, at least for the meantime.

And lastly - do your wife more than once a week, man! I'm in a similar marriage. Wife is only good to go once a week. Sex is good to great, as you say yours is, BUT... it's not enough for me. It is for her, though, and it's not going to change anytime soon. I've learned to live with it (or at least deal with it), but it sounds like your wife isn't going to stand for it from you, and that's trouble brewing.

The easy answer - and it IS easy - is to have sex with your wife more often. It won't kill you, I promise.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's a human tendency to always want more, even if more will be bad for them. OP, draw the line here and now. You indicated to her that the line has been reached, but she raised an argument that makes you question it. Just the same, there is a world of difference between virtual sex on webcam, and real sex with physical contact and body fluids. Sure she wants that - why wouldn't she? She loves sex. However, while she is advocating for this, she also offered to stop it all. I think she is sincere in that (I base that on my own experiences and how we negotiate and set limits in our relationship - and adhere to them), and you can trust what she says and agrees to. Of course, she won't like rolling back existing privileges, and it seems that there really is no need to and it doesn't bother you. That's fair and reasonable, IMO. However, taking things further isn't okay with you, and you can tell her that. The next step - to physical contact - is a huge one. It's not just a small incremental change from virtual encounters. It's the real thing - and that's where you want to draw the line. I think you just need to be clear and firm that this is your boundary, and if you are firm, she will respect it. I think she will actually like that you have and can assert a firm boundary.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Is she webcamming / having an emotional affair with the same guy or two or is it always a rando ?

Secondly, does she know you well enough that you would cave on the webcamming thing?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is all simply a matter of if she respect the boundary of not hooking with dudes in real life without his knowledge and consent or not.

If he is ok with her webcamming, knows about and gives his consent, then it is fair game and not cheating.

He stated a boundary or no sex with dudes in real life.

That is fair.

If she respects his boundaries then there is no harm, no foul here.

Whether she actually cheats or not is really anyone's guess. People cheat all the time whether they webcam or not. No one has any guarentees.

True, I think he needs to bump up his game and give her the love'n the Good Lord intended, but all couples have some level of libido mismatch and it is all about how the deal with it as a couple. 

If this is their resolution to how they deal with the mismatch as a couple and everyone plays fair and follows the rules then it's all good.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

When my wife casually suggested that we might spice things up by having a 3-way, I asked if I was going to supply the other woman or would she. She had assumed that she could bring in another guy, but never considered that I would want a second woman in the bedroom. That suggestion went back into the box, never to see the light of day again. She was not about to cause me to have sex with another woman, and I for damn sure did not want another c0ck in my bedroom.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Spicy said:


> I have no personal experience with this, and would never, ever, ever bring other people into my marriage.
> 
> I had friends who opted to start swinging. I have never seen a more disasterous result of a decision. Every single person in the family were TERRIBLY affected. All the way down to the grandkids. The couple lost everything, including each other. Was it worth it for some hot sex? Only they can answer that. You must walk down the hall of consequences on this one, opening every door to see how this will be end...then make your choice. The chances you will remain a intact family unit are very minimal.


Completely agree, there's no way I would ever want other people in my marriage. Most people who decide to open their marriage end up with a train wreck in the end. There's spicing up a marriage and there's destroying it. This is destroying it. 

The OP has already lost his wife since he's allowed her to be on cam with other men. Most would consider that an affair. Unless the OP figures out how to enjoy sex with his wife more often, his marriage will end in divorce.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP. I think first you need to decide for yourself what is and isn't OK with you. Camming? Other men? That is something only you can decide but be honest with yourself about what does and doesn't bother you.

Then I think the approach is not to try to simply force the genie back into the bottle with "I want you to stop camming" if that is what you want to have happen. 

Better I think is to turn it around and see if you can provide the sexual excitement that she wants. 

If you are not OK with her interactions with other men, that is perfectly OK. If you don't want to engage in the sort of sex play she enjoys, that is fine too. But if both those are true, you are just not sexually compatible and should separate while you are still on good terms.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

gregsoleman said:


> Oldshirt, I hear everything you are saying and I totally respect your point of view. In fact I agree with most of it, but you're asking me to completely change the dynamics of our relationship and the way I behave towards her sexually. While this may be imperative in my current situation, it's not something I can just do overnight.
> 
> Of course I know I need to up my game and it's not as if I haven't tried already, I'm just not that kind of strong, dominating, alpha male type. Does that make me a lesser person? I used to think my wife loved me precisely for these different qualities: kindness, affection, ability to listen, dependability, respect for who she is. Now I'm not so sure, or at least I think even if she still loves me, she's a bit bored and wants the kind of excitement I can't give her.
> 
> ...


I'l go against the flow here.

The advice you've been given about what attracts women to men is exactly correct, for *most* women.

But, your wife clearly isn't *most *women. 

If she wanted a strong, dominating, alpha male type, she wouldn't be happy with you. Apparently, she IS happy with you and you've had a great marriage for 10 years. 

There is an whole "hotwife" culture out there and it seems to work for many (although it certainly wouldn't work for me or most guys). The problem is that this usually involves guys with the fantasy of their wives having sex with other guys and you seem, at best neutral about that.

The risk is that she does it once and you react so badly that, even if she never does it again, the marriage is never the same. 

So you could be totally rationally on-board with it yet have it turn out to destroy you emotionally.

And, be more positive about your ability to change.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The poor guy is being played by a very cunning and manipulative wife......he will not know what hit him until its too late.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

My suggestion? Complete honesty.

Tell her you are unhappy with her cyber cheating, and you should have never agreed to it, and that now you aren't sure how to get it to stop. Tell her it HURTS you. That you want to be her one and only. That if she needs to masturbate, so be it, but not to involve another human. If she loves you as much as you think she does, she will not want to continue hurting you. Then, put real effort into upping your game.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Buddy400 said:


> I'l go against the flow here.
> 
> The advice you've been given about what attracts women to men is exactly correct, for *most* women.
> 
> ...


She is not that unusual at all. 

Many women want the safe, stable, responsible "Nice Guy" that helps aroun the house and helps take care of the kids, but they have minimal or even no sexual attraction or desire for them.

While at the same time they sexually desire and respond to the"Bad Boy" sexually. 

The problem often comes down to respect and whether they view their H as weak and as a doormat or not. Women can't desire a man they don't respect and if she feels she can walk on a man and manipulate him - she will do it. 

This issue is not about cheating per se (that we know)

It is about establishing and enforcing boundaries and limits.

If he can dry a line in the sand and enforce and maintain it, then this can just be a part of their dynamics without any disasterous results.

But if he is weak and has poor boundaries and does not have the giblets to enforce them, then this will end badly.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

You know that those webcam photographs can be anywhere and whoever is looking at them could blackmail your WW.

There is also the danger that she is actually involved with an internet psycho, the secrecy that shrouds affairs also provides the OM with the perfect excuse to meet your WW alone where no one can see them, while it all seems safe and normal.

Tamat


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP. 

I can understand maybe you don't desire sex everyday.

You say watching her get turned on and orgasm gets you hot.... So why is she masterbating in front of you? My husband is human and since we recently have started having sex waaay more often then before he sometimes can't keep an erection ( 7-10 times a week is just sometimes too much). However if he can see I'm turned on and horny he will perform because he enjoys pleasuring me. At least more than tv or computer **** so what are you doing that is so much more fun than getting your wife off.

If your penis isn't up to the task use mouth, fingers, toys. And if you aren't up for anal try a swarvkom vibrating heated but plug while stimulating her gspot and or her clitoris. When he wants me to come quick he'll put in the butt plug and our we vibe and then use his hand to gyrate the we vibe just a bit. I don't last long. 

Being probably more conservative than your wife I can tell you those moments make me love my husband more. One he gets nothing out of it I know he's doing it for me which is sweet. Two it feels amazing like a gift. Three I know he isn't into the toys but see reason one. Four it makes me want to suck and **** the **** out of him. Five while I could masterbate myself, it isn't nearly as satisfying as when he does it. Some would feel emasculated having to use a toy but for me it makes him my absolute master. Master of my body, bringer of joy, like the musician who uses a piano to bring joyous music. 

If her orgasms turn you on then start being the one who brings those. And in the end if your penis wants to join in I'm sure she would like that too.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> I'l go against the flow here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It absolutely does not. 

When I separated from SI in all honesty I had gotten bored giving the same advice over and over, so I decided to freestyle and go find people who needed help (why I do this I have no idea).

Anyhow I'm probably one of the top 'go talk to him' people on two or three of the largest alternative lifestyle forums out there. Hotwifing is, by a tremendously significant margin, the most likely exit strategy for any of these lifestyles. Like it's not even close. I'd say 9 out of 10 end is complete and utter disaster.

It's not rocket science to understand why


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> The poor guy is being played by a very cunning and manipulative wife......he will not know what hit him until its too late.


Maybe but just as many times the wife still wants the husband for emotional support and is cake eating. Eventually the husband finds a women who is monogamous and dumps his swinging wife to her total shock. I have seen this over and over. Frankly if he can't divorce her that is what he will do, the emotional pain of her flaunting her escapades will kill his love for her eventually. Most just play out the clock until someone who fits their monogamous lifestyle shows up. Then they are long gone. People who open up their marriage don't realize that they are making themselves vulnerable too. 

What she doesn't realize is emotional commitment from men is a lot harder thing to come by then sex. Any random guy on the street will sleep with her assuming she is marginally attractive. Also the more she indulges in this kind of lifestyle the more she walls off a large pool of men. I guess they are out there but not a lot of them, and usually this leads to issues. The path she wants to travel leads to sexual burn out just like any other drug. 

Guys who are going to want to **** her are plenty, guys who are going to want to put up with her bull**** are few. OP should just move on.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I have been both cuckolded and cuckolded a few husbands, one for 25 years. I lost my girlfriend to cuckolding. As often happens when people have sex, they develope feelings for each other and she fell in love with one of my friends who she was seeing secretely. It does not matter how strong your relationship or trust is, you are doing things that directly attack your relationship and none are that strong. 50% of married people who divorced started off thinking they had a strong relationship and trust. If not, they would not have wed. As my wife rightly pointed out, if you have sex with enough people, sooner or later your emotions will kick in and our emotions lead us to make bad decisions and choices. More on this later.

After losing my live in girlfriend I married a 20 year old virgin. Several years into our marriage she became curious about sex with other men. She had nothing to go by except me and my reputation among her friends who have had sex with me. When the opportunity to have a wife swap presented itself I left it up to my wife who quickly said yes. The other guy, a friend, got the better end of the deal. My wife never had a kid and was slim and fit. His wife had a belly and after 3 kids, was not so tight. Plus she was into very heavy breast torture. She kept telling me to hurt her more than I was comfortable with. I gave her a quick orgasm orally and then settled in with a drink and a cigarette to watch my wife have sex with another man. It did not make me jealous nor arouse me at the time. It was just sex and it looked like my wife was just enduring it. There was no passion at all and the guy basically pounded her into a couch cushion until he had an orgasm. My wife did not orgasm at all. On the drive home she said it was nothing like she pictured it in her fantasies. She hated it and said I was more than enough man for her and she never wanted to have sex with another man again. She never has in our 44 years of marriage. 

She still regrets it to this day as do I but once done it cannot be undone. It also ruined our friendship with the other couple since the guy bruised my wife's breasts. He was used to being rough with his wife but my wife is very petite and bruises if I just grab her tightly. However, our love making that night was very intense. I was used to tasting another man's semen from my previous cuckold experience. It was nothing like what you see in porn. It was just a faint taste. Our sex was very intense for a few weeks after that but it was not worth to repeat it. 

My wife always knew that I was not a monogamous kind of guy but she married me anyway. After the wife swap disaster, my wife started inviting her visiting girlfriends to join us in bed using me as bait. The girls in our town thought I was hot and most had seen me naked or touched me down there. My wife bragged about me which did not help. So we started to have threesomes whenever we could. One day we ended up in a threesome with my wife's childhood best friend who recently go divorced. That night I asked my wife to make out with her friend rather then just share me with other women. She did and that night we found out that her best friend is bi and had a few sexual encounters with girls in college. My wife also discovered she was bi but suspected it since she was fantasizing about women all the time and inviting them into our bed. I never asked for a threesome or even hinted at it. 

We ended up with our girlfriend moving in with us and years later after she married a cuckold she met online who lost his first wife to one of her lovers, she split her time between us and her husband. I socialized with the guy several times a year and he never once mentioned or acted as though I was having a lot of sex with his wife. He knew and once his wife tried to get him to watch or join in but he freaked out and left. The reality was not what he fantasized about where he controlled all the action and the bull disappears. Our girlfriend was in our life and bed for 30 years. Threesomes almost every night. We had a few thousand threesomes. Not bad for a guy who never asked for one. 

That was the second guy I cuckolded. After that I cuckolded a few other husbands. None wanted to watch as they once did so before with their wive's other lovers and preferred her to make up stories when she came home. I used to laugh when I heard a cuckoldress call her husband to tell him what she just did. It was everything that turned him on. As they told me, never look a gift horse in the mouth so just feed his fetish to keep him happy. Then it happened. I had sex with a cuckoldress just one night and we developed feelings for each other. Sex does release Oxytocin, a hormone that emotionally bonds a couple together. Many men do not know that. It is the same powerful hormone that bonds a mother to her child and why sex often leads to feelings of love. We met for a weekend and then I left my wife for a month. We were heading for a divorce until I came to my senses and went back to my wife. After that I stopped having sex with other women except for our girlfriend. She is the only wife who is still with her husband. All the others and more that we knew from the local swingers club, divorced as a direct result of having sex with others. Only our girlfriend is still married but that is only because we refused to let her live with us with her child and did not want to break up her marriage because her husband was a friend of ours as well as a cuckold. 

Every couple we knew over the years who had some sort of open marriage, divorced as a result of it. The problem is that sex with others is going to be more exciting most times. Romantic love is stronger than the mature love that married couples have after their first few years of marriage. One of the wive's who left her husband for one of her lovers, was a friend of my wife. As she explained it, she grew to resent her husband for not loving her enough to not want her to have sex with other guys, like the husbands of her friends. Then she got use to having sex with other guys and felt like her husband was in charge and used her as a puppet to satisfy his fetish. She could not have a private relationship with another guy and just do what she wanted to do like lay in bed and watch a movie with a little sex thrown in. She always had to do the things that her husband enjoyed hearing about until she started to make it up. She went on to say that having sex with other men did not feel wrong since if she asked her husband he would say yes. That led to her thinking that by having a boyfriend without telling her husband, was not cheating. It was just not telling him about it, a minor sin compared to cheating. As with the others, she met someone, he did not want to share her after he fell in love with her and so she left her husband.

Cuckolding is a minefield with more mines than fields. There is a reason why long married couples into cuckolding are as rare as hen's teeth, even on the internet where guys make up stuff all the time. Contrary to what the internet makes it seem, not everyone is doing it. They are masturbating to cuckold porn in which it is not really their wife and are getting aroused and not having to deal with jealousy. After awhile it becomes a fetish that they want to fulfill. They even think they are alpha males and in control since their wife has rules to follow and he is letting other guys know what he has and who she will be returning to no matter how good he was in bed. Go to any bar and try to get anyone to think you are alpha when you let your wife have sex with others and you will find none or maybe a few drunk ones. When my friends found out I was a cuckold they talked behind my back. They said I was cool to my face but said I was unable to sexually satisfy my girlfriend, she was a ****, easy, sure thing and made me her B word. They did not think more of me, they thought less. When I kicked my cuckoldress out of my house after asking my friends to gang bang her and then finding out that she was dating two of them behind my back. I ended up moving out of State. Everyone I knew, knew that I was a cuckold and did not think about it like I did at the time. 

As I matured I no longer felt it was fun to share my wife. I cannot imagine letting her do that now as she cannot imagine sharing me with another women again. We saw the danger not only for us both with all of our kinky non monogamous friends. We are the only ones out of six married couples who are still married to each other. That couple we had the wife swap with divorced even though they had 3 kids. She was cuckolding her husband with her boss, a fantasy of his. He was sneaking around with a girl they had a threesome with which his wife hated because she opening was trying to take her husband away from her. They both ended up falling in love with their playmates and divorcing. Open marriages can work, but seldom do.

We had what is called a poly triad with our girlfriend and never met another poly couple that lasted half as long as we did. For us it lasted because the three of us knew each other since childhood and considered each other as family long before the sex began. The big plus was that both of my ladies are bisexual and had sex with each other all the time. Not many poly triads have that. The women have to share the man and do not love each other in a sexual way. We beat the odds but left our girlfriend 7 years ago to retire out of State. We have been monogamous for 7 years now and it took us a few years to adjust to just being the two of us again after so long. To us, the triad was simply our normal life. We seldom discussed it or the girl's sexuality. We just lived it without thinking it was weird. It was what we were used to for most of our adult life. It was our normal. We almost paid the ultimate price when I left my wife. If my wife had been mad at me for falling in love with another women and leaving her, we would have divorced like most who post here. Instead she cried all the time and wanted me back. It broke my heart to know that I broke hers and ultimately it affected my decision. Dangerous stuff and usually it is the guy who suggests this. When the woman does, look out. Often she is already having sex with other men and is trying to arrange it so she can do so guilt free. That is very common. It puts you in a bad position because if you do not agree to an open marriage of cuckold relationship, you will worry if she sees other men behind your back. You know she wants to when most wives do not.

Open marriages and cuckolding can work but fail most of the time. Your feelings change, emotions take over and even the jealousy you repressed for so long can bubble up to the surface. When you see your wife french kissing another guy, being passionate with him and enjoying him much more than she enjoys you, it is hard to take or believe that she loves you more. Does she really love you more or does she love the better looking, richer guy who is giving her all those fantastic orgasms. A lot of times the boyfriend is a great lover but not husband material of not willing to let her have sex with other guys if they form a serious relationship. To be honest, most times the cuckoldress uses her husband as a safety net should things not work out with others. You support her and let her have sex so no reason to leave you until she falls in love with someone else. I cannot imagine being a cuckold again. I can understand an open marriage but one in which the husband stays faithful while the wife does not, does not make sense to me. I was a cuckold to a girlfriend I did not love. If I loved her, I would not have played her little game. She is the one who started cuckolding, not me. Now I know that she just likes sex with other guys and was doing it before I agreed to it. As someone who has had sex with wives, with or without their husband's knowledge, I know how easily they can deceive and lie to their husbands. They would be naked with me performing oral sex on them as they talked to their husbands on the phone telling them that they love them and making up some lame excuse as to why they will be home late.

If you truly want to try cuckolding rather than feeling you have to or your wife will cheat on you, a common reason for spouses to agree to it, do it on vacation when there is no chance of ever seeing the other guy again. I was approached twice on vacation to have sex with a wife. I am a flirt and saw every female as a potential sex partner and knew that women were attracted to me. For sex only. Few ever wanted to date me. I was one of those guys to have great sex with but not boyfriend or dating material. If you try to get someone online it will take many months. You will run into phonies who will tell you what you want to hear in order to have free sex with your wife. They are not like the paid porn actors you watch online who follow a script or know their role in a cuckold relationship. I heard a few wives say that guys showed up drunk/stoned, could not get it up in front of their husbands, came too fast and could not continue, thought that they were now their girlfriend because they had sex with the guy. One girl had the guy go through her pocketbook when she was in the motel bathroom so she knew her address and she would come home to see him hanging out waiting for her, calling her at night, etc.. It rarely works out as it does online. Most of the posts you read online about sex and cuckolding specifically, are made up. Guys are living their sex lives online. Have you ever read a post about cuckolding destroying their marriage? Probably not because the majority of post are not true or only partially true. 

Last bit of advice is if you do it, don't let your wife pick the guy. She may pick someone she has feelings for or even someone she has had sex with. Do not pick a friend because she will have some emotional feelings for him if even friendship. That can quickly lead to love as it did with my wife and her girlfriend. Luckily it was not a guy and someone who had a crush on me since we were 13. It could have gotten messy. Best with someone you will never see again. A businessman in town for a night or two. You usually can find them in the bars of good hotels. I traveled a lot. Never give them your address, last name or phone number. Use a burner phone to talk to them. Just as your wife can fall in love with the guy, the same applies to the guy. If you doubt that love can happen in one night, know that I fell in love with my wife the first time I talked to her. We got engaged three weeks after we met. We had about 4 dates and we did not have sex until after we got engaged since she was a virgin. It can happen and often does so be careful. I think if you just do it a few times a year with strangers that you have a better chance of preserving your marriage but as I learned, once the wife gets a taste of sex with new men that make her feel sexy and desirable again as you once did when you were in courtship mode, they can fall in love. Good luck but I am worried that it was your wife that wants this. In real life the wives usually do not want it, their husbands do.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

I know you from the aforementioned alternative lifestyle forum. 

OP, you're in luck. This is one of the true authorities on the subject


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife is using your own methods against you to earn your buy - in and you don't even see it. 

She's using kindness and sweetness to make you feel bad for her. And it's being backed up with your desire to see her perform for others. 

She likely did pick you for your kind qualities, because women seek men with GOODNESS. But there are wants and then there are needs. She needs a man who is dominating (not a "jerk") and will put his foot down when required. If you really put your foot down with her then believe me, she'd drop the discussion like a hot potato. You opened pandora's box (so to speak) and you're now considering letting all those things roam free because finding and stuffing them back into the box is difficult for a nice man who likes to watch his wife O by the hand of another man.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

OP,

Your wife presented you with a tremendous opportunity to slam that door shut but you choked. How hard is it to think on your feet? You need time to prepare on how to tell her to stop webcaming? Really? @Herschel is divorcing his wife because she sent nude pictures to another gamer, but here you are allowing your wife to webcam with other people over the internet. What kind of man gets off by watching his wife expose herself to other people? Do you have any self-respect at all? You are on your way to cuckolddom if you continue on this path. Unless you nib this in the bud by manning up and meeting your wife's needs, I see a divorce in your future where you will lose your wife, your kids to 50/50 parenting, and your family that you have worked so hard to build. 

Go back to the beginning of this thread and start taking notes from the members here. Lots of wise counsel have been given to you; whether or not you have the wisdom to heed their words will determine your future.


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## gregsoleman (Jun 21, 2017)

I've stayed away from this thread for fear of the reactions to my last post. I can see I was partly right. I honestly do appreciate all the advice, but as I said right from my OP, I know ultimately only my wife and I understand the dynamics of our relationship and only we can make the final decision as to the direction our marriage is going to take. That decision has now been made and I thought it would be correct to report it here, but I won't be coming back to read the responses - sorry, it would only confuse things and my mind is already made up. Feel free to express your opinions, they won't offend me because I won't be here to see them.
Before I go on, I feel I owe it to my W to make one thing clear: she has never manipulated me or taken advantage of my weakness. I've brougth this onto myself because deep inside I think I actually wanted it to happen. I was only getting cold feet the other day, when I wrote the OP, because I realised it had gone too far to reverse it, and I became afraid of the consequences, for example the possible break-up of our marriage.
What I didn't explain properly is how the whole webcamming business started. It wasn't my wife's idea, it was mine. She was masturbating in bed one day and asked me to close the curtains, so our neighbour wouldn't see her.
I said "so what if he sees you, give him a treat!" She resisted at first, but then she went with it and really enjoyed it. Our neighbour never even came to the window, but that wasn't the point. My wife came super-hard and afterwards told me she'd felt so turned on at the thought of getting caught. It was like a revelation to her. The thing is, I'd enjoyed it too, in fact I was kind of disappointed that she hadn't been seen.
The next time she was preparing her toys, I suggested it might be fun to set up a webcam and just broadcast openly to a cam site, without even watching the screen. Then later we'd check the chat window and see who'd watched, what comments they'd made and so on. I said it would be just like the bedroom window thing that she had enjoyed so much, but with many more potential watchers.
This time to my surprise she agreed straight away.
We did it and she absolutely loved it, having several orgasms in one session.
From that, it was a short step to having private cam sessions, the only difference being that she had to see the men as well as being seen.
In fact she's never really cared much about watching, what really turns her on is being looked at. But I have to be there, otherwise it's not such a turn-on, so my presence there is a big part of it. In a way it's me she's showing off to, not the stranger at the other end of the camera.
And there's no "regulars", she doesn't like camming with the same guy more than once or twice, even though she gets bombarded with requests for repeat sessions.
You see what I mean? I was the one that initiated this whole process. I must be perfect cuckold material, but I was just afraid to take the final step.
Over the last few days we've done a lot of thinking and talking, and we've now made up our minds that we're going to go for it. Hopefully we can make it work.
Of course I know it won't all be plain sailing, I am bound to feel that natural pang of jealousy when I first see her with another man, but I know I'll get over it and afterwards I think it will be really exciting for both of us. Who knows, maybe I'll feel like joining in, or maybe we can think about inviting a woman instead of a man, there seems to be no lack of bi-curious females on the dating websites I've looked at.
My W is happy to go either way, but she'd rather start with a man, which is fine by me. At the end of the day it's just a c**k, just a piece of flesh, as long as she only sees each guy once, she uses protection, there's no display of affection and it all happens in front of me. All of the above rules, she has agreed to.
We decided that it needs to happen sooner rather than later, otherwise we'll both chicken out of it.
I don't know how easy it will be to find the right people, but the search is on.
Any takers from Glasgow, Scotland? ;-)


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Spicy said:


> I have no personal experience with this, and would never, ever, ever bring other people into my marriage.
> 
> I had friends who opted to start swinging. I have never seen a more disasterous result of a decision. Every single person in the family were TERRIBLY affected. All the way down to the grandkids. The couple lost everything, including each other. Was it worth it for some hot sex? Only they can answer that. You must walk down the hall of consequences on this one, opening every door to see how this will be end...then make your choice. The chances you will remain a intact family unit are very minimal.


agreed


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

gregsoleman said:


> I've stayed away from this thread for fear of the reactions to my last post. I can see I was partly right. I honestly do appreciate all the advice, but as I said right from my OP, I know ultimately only my wife and I understand the dynamics of our relationship and only we can make the final decision as to the direction our marriage is going to take. That decision has now been made and I thought it would be correct to report it here, but I won't be coming back to read the responses - sorry, it would only confuse things and my mind is already made up. Feel free to express your opinions, they won't offend me because I won't be here to see them.
> Before I go on, I feel I owe it to my W to make one thing clear: she has never manipulated me or taken advantage of my weakness. I've brougth this onto myself because deep inside I think I actually wanted it to happen. I was only getting cold feet the other day, when I wrote the OP, because I realised it had gone too far to reverse it, and I became afraid of the consequences, for example the possible break-up of our marriage.
> What I didn't explain properly is how the whole webcamming business started. It wasn't my wife's idea, it was mine. She was masturbating in bed one day and asked me to close the curtains, so our neighbour wouldn't see her.
> I said "so what if he sees you, give him a treat!" She resisted at first, but then she went with it and really enjoyed it. Our neighbour never even came to the window, but that wasn't the point. My wife came super-hard and afterwards told me she'd felt so turned on at the thought of getting caught. It was like a revelation to her. The thing is, I'd enjoyed it too, in fact I was kind of disappointed that she hadn't been seen.
> ...


I am sure you have read enough on this subject to know the following:


The first guy may work out as may be the second, third and fourth would …. but … there will come a certain guy with whom she really bonds. The oxytocin goes into overdrive. Suddenly she starts comparing you to him. Now if he feels the same, then you are doomed my friend. If you then open up the marriage she will get a lot more takers than you - you must know that too. However, by then, this one man will have replaced you and she will no longer wish to be in a non-monogamous relationship. The only thing is that now she will want to be faithful to him. And eventually you will get the ILYBINILWY speech. Then it will be you that has to move out and it will be him that she must stay faithful too.

This is only a few fvcks away my friend so be very very careful. You may be a natural cuckold but let me tell you that things don't end well for natural cuckolds. So unless you are a masochist and thrive on depression, don't do this.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Personally, I don't get the cuckold/voyeur thing. On the other hand, our relationship has been open, and/or swinging, and/or poly for 17 years, with dozens of other partners, with no problems or adverse effects. We've started and stopped many times, depending on what else is happening in our lives. As long as neither of us is bothered by whatever we're doing at the time, we'll continue - otherwise, we'll stop or change things.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Sigh...

Perhaps this is Greg's passive/aggressive subconscious way to exit the relationship.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> Personally, I don't get the cuckold/voyeur thing. On the other hand, our relationship has been open, and/or swinging, and/or poly for 17 years, with dozens of other partners, with no problems or adverse effects. We've started and stopped many times, depending on what else is happening in our lives. As long as neither of us is bothered by whatever we're doing at the time, we'll continue - otherwise, we'll stop or change things.


My experience has been the same, only we have/had been in the lifestyle a dozen or so years. 

As I said in one of my earlier posts, all swinging/open marriage activities are not created the same and do not all carry the same level of risk. Some activities are riskier than others. 

From what I have seen in the lifestyle, the cuckold/hot wife scenario is far and away the riskiest for breakdown. 

There is, in fact, fewer things that a man can do to make his wife lose all respect and desire for him more than for him to be a spectator to his wife's extracurricular activities. 

And this is coming from a man who has had some MFM experiences with his wife and was OK with it and everything was fine. 

The devil is in the details and it all comes down to dominance, strength and boundaries. 

I fear Greg is lacking in those 3 things and if he is, bad things will happen.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> She doesn't want to spice it up. She wants to find a new and exciting man that wants to please her. You should consider divorce and find someone with a lower drive. This isn't going to end well. I bet she is cheating on you anyways, you seem like a guy who would bury his head in the sand.


Agree. Our man Greg ain't even close at understanding womanees. She already found someone, probably already met and screwed him and is now looking for a way to open it up for business with his blessing. Based on his comments, Greg is already justified it in his mind as she escalates, or has escalated it, beyond the sexting and webcasting she's been doing.

If it ain't already too late, my advice to Greg, if he needs someone to satisfy his wife, is to look for a male escort. She'll get top of the line sex and there will be little chance of an overly romantic relationship developing that will cost him in the long run. There is also less chance of her hooking up with a crazy and possibly dangerous clown. Think of an escort as a automobile mechanic. They are there to fix your car and not steal it. She'll get the benefits and Greg will have few or none of the risk.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Let's just say that the story is fairly high on my "this can't be real" scale. A webcam? Really?


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

People will not agree with you here but keep coming back. There are people here who can help you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> Agree. Our man Greg ain't even close at understanding womanees. She already found someone, probably already met and screwed him and is now looking for a way to open it up for business with his blessing. Based on his comments, Greg is already justified it in his mind as she escalates, or has escalated it, beyond the sexting and webcasting she's been doing.
> 
> If it ain't already too late, my advice to Greg, if he needs someone to satisfy his wife, is to look for a male escort. She'll get top of the line sex and there will be little chance of an overly romantic relationship developing that will cost him in the long run. There is also less chance of her hooking up with a crazy and possibly dangerous clown. Think of an escort as a automobile mechanic. They are there to fix your car and not steal it. She'll get the benefits and Greg will have few or none of the risk.


I think Greg himself is kind of thinking along those lines too. I think he is also thinking if she gets some hot num-nums on the side, she will be good and he will get a good show and nothing bad will come of it and they'll live happily ever after. I think he may think also that if she gets a little extra on the side then that will make up for his lack of keeping her satisfied and will take up some of the slack of her desire. 

A number of other posters have also addressed this from the perspective of her falling in love with some other dude and leaving with him. 

While her falling for and taking off with some other dude is a risk, it is far from the only bad outcome from this. 

Let's be honest here, not many guys that dig watching married women stick stuff up their hoohahs on a webcam and then bang them while their husbands watch are going to want to marry her and start another family with her. I'm just saying these are not the settle down and ride off into the sunset with the nice little woman kind of guys here. 

What is the real risk is not that she'll leave, but that she'll stay. 

The catch is she will stay but she will be like spoiled milk sitting in the fridge. 

The real risk is that all of her attraction and desire switches are going to get switched on by these other men who will praise her and charm her and be at her feet begging to be with her....... but who don't really want to be with her full time. Like another poster said, the guys who will want to F her will be many. the ones that will want her fulltime will be few. 

While these guys come over and put it to her good while he watches and then they leave, she will get highly sexually charged and satisfied, but will begin to view Greg with contempt and disgust. It's about respect and admiration. She will lose all of it for Greg. And as a woman can't desire someone she doesn't respect, she will lose all attraction and desire for him. 

Their sexlife will tank. She won't want to touch him. She won't have any warmth or affection for him. All she will have for him will be bitterness and contempt and we know how pleasant a bitter and contemptuous wife can be.

The times that she will feel desire and excitement and feel valued and wanted is when one of her suitors is schmoozing her and they are building up to their encounter. 

Then after he orgasms and leaves, she will fall into same cycle again. 

She will quickly come to the notion that it is Greg himself that is holding her back from all these men wanting and desiring her and that it is he who is getting in her way of finding true love. 

But none of these other men will be stepping up to the plate (who could ever imagine that a guy who hooks up with a married woman from a webcam who's husband watches, would not want to marry her and live happily ever after??????????????) 

So she will continue to stay with Greg and let him provide a roof over her head and food on the table and gas for her car. But she will have no respect or desire for him. 

He will be a true cuckold and a true beta provider. 

Eventually she'll catch on that her webcam guys and her bulls, while sexy and exciting, are not relationship material and are not going to take her away. 

She will fall for another guy, but that guy will probably just be some normal guy she meets at work or at the gym or while working on some community project at the Community Center. 

He'll have some twinkle in his eye or some nudge nudge wink wink that will trip her attraction switch, it will start like just any old garden variety affair. And since she won't have any ounce of respect or desire left for Greg, once this guy proposes taking off with him, she will have her bags packed and out of the house within days. 

And poor Greg here won't know what happened because in his mind he did take the proper precautions in keeping the webcam dudes separated from her enough to keep her from running off with them. He won't get it why she left for some ordinary dude from work or the Kiwanis Club.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

...... and my point to all this is, he lost her way back by not taking care of her needs and farming her sexual desires out to other dudes a long time ago and being content just to watch her masturbate while other men provided the spank material. 

If my wife just wanted me to spank to other women on the computer, I would eventually want to start hooking up with women too.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

john117 said:


> Let's just say that the story is fairly high on my "this can't be real" scale. A webcam? Really?


:smthumbup:


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am sure you have read enough on this subject to know the following:
> 
> 
> The first guy may work out as may be the second, third and fourth would …. but … there will come a certain guy with whom she really bonds. The oxytocin goes into overdrive. Suddenly she starts comparing you to him. Now if he feels the same, then you are doomed my friend. If you then open up the marriage she will get a lot more takers than you - you must know that too. However, by then, this one man will have replaced you and she will no longer wish to be in a non-monogamous relationship. The only thing is that now she will want to be faithful to him. And eventually you will get the ILYBINILWY speech. Then it will be you that has to move out and it will be him that she must stay faithful too.
> ...



I agree completely. 

If I was you OP, ask yourself if you could sit back and watch a porn movie and watch your wife star in it and get 'owned' by the other man. If you couldn't do this, then why would you let it happen in real life ? Sure, there may be guys weaker than you but she's going to run into some better than you and then what ? 

1) You will get sexually cut off
2) Your self esteem will be shattered
3) She may actually fall for the OM
4) Sloppy seconds will be your daily agenda
5) You will wake up someday and see her for being used goods


Manfromlamancha is right, women tend to get way more opportunities than guys so even if you go 'open' which would be a disastrous mistake IMO, get ready to sit on the couch eating pretzels and drinking beer while she is getting banged by whoever she wants.

This is not the life you want which leads me to another concept.

First of all, I sense that maybe you already have some self esteem or codependency problems based on how you seem willing to allow this to happen. if you don't, then what kind of respect will your kids have for you someday after watching Dad let Mom romp around with multiple guys as Dad does nothing about it ?

As another poster said, have you gotten checked out medically for your issue /

Would it not be better to find someone more compatible so that you can both be content and not get cheated on ?

My hunch is that she may already be there because often times, someone suggests open marriage because they are already cheating.

Why on earth someone would agree to open marriage is beyond me and yes, I know that will make some here angry by saying that. Why on earth would someone agree to one way open marriage and to be cuckolded is insane. 

Say no to open marriage, fix your problems, verify that she hasn't cheated on you yet and get on the same page or peacefully end it.

I have never known anyone personally who has survived open marriage which is why so few do it. Don't be a hotwifer and don't be that guy. 

I agree with man above


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

eric1 said:


> It absolutely does not.
> 
> When I separated from SI in all honesty I had gotten bored giving the same advice over and over, so I decided to freestyle and go find people who needed help (why I do this I have no idea).
> 
> ...


amen Eric


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Taxman said:


> When my wife casually suggested that we might spice things up by having a 3-way, I asked if I was going to supply the other woman or would she. She had assumed that she could bring in another guy, but never considered that I would want a second woman in the bedroom. That suggestion went back into the box, never to see the light of day again. She was not about to cause me to have sex with another woman, and I for damn sure did not want another c0ck in my bedroom.



spot on !!!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

eric1 said:


> People will not agree with you here but keep coming back. There are people here who can help you.


There's no helping Greg now. His marriage is toast. It seems like he's a hotwifer after all


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I think Greg himself is kind of thinking along those lines too. I think he is also thinking if she gets some hot num-nums on the side, she will be good and he will get a good show and nothing bad will come of it and they'll live happily ever after. I think he may think also that if she gets a little extra on the side then that will make up for his lack of keeping her satisfied and will take up some of the slack of her desire.
> 
> A number of other posters have also addressed this from the perspective of her falling in love with some other dude and leaving with him.
> 
> ...


very insightful and accurate


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

gregsoleman said:


> I've stayed away from this thread for fear of the reactions to my last post. I can see I was partly right. I honestly do appreciate all the advice, but as I said right from my OP, I know ultimately only my wife and I understand the dynamics of our relationship and only we can make the final decision as to the direction our marriage is going to take. That decision has now been made and I thought it would be correct to report it here, but I won't be coming back to read the responses - sorry, it would only confuse things and my mind is already made up. Feel free to express your opinions, they won't offend me because I won't be here to see them.
> Before I go on, I feel I owe it to my W to make one thing clear: she has never manipulated me or taken advantage of my weakness. I've brougth this onto myself because deep inside I think I actually wanted it to happen. I was only getting cold feet the other day, when I wrote the OP, because I realised it had gone too far to reverse it, and I became afraid of the consequences, for example the possible break-up of our marriage.
> What I didn't explain properly is how the whole webcamming business started. It wasn't my wife's idea, it was mine. She was masturbating in bed one day and asked me to close the curtains, so our neighbour wouldn't see her.
> I said "so what if he sees you, give him a treat!" She resisted at first, but then she went with it and really enjoyed it. Our neighbour never even came to the window, but that wasn't the point. My wife came super-hard and afterwards told me she'd felt so turned on at the thought of getting caught. It was like a revelation to her. The thing is, I'd enjoyed it too, in fact I was kind of disappointed that she hadn't been seen.
> ...


This is just a drug like any other drug. They all lead to burn out and death. The death will only be you're relationship, if you're lucky. See you back here in about a year or so when it's all blown up.


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## Warrior73 (Jun 25, 2017)

deepsouth said:


> You lost way back when you said the webcam was okay. You know it, she knows it, and now it's game over.


 Looks like you may be correct...SMH


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

This relationship was over before it started. They arent even on the same page sexually. I would never let a man have his way with my wife, much less watch while another man does that. To each his own but I foresee this guy coming whining and crying aboht how he lost his wife and now he doesn't know what to do. So sorry, but you need to grow a set and be a man. Stand up for yourself and your wife and maybe she wouldn't be looking for another guy or guys in your situation. She's been doing this long before this guy ever came along and she will continue to do it long after hes gone. 
So sorry but hey in the end you were warned by many ppl with much more experience and you chose to do your own thing so good luck with your marriage or lack there of. 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

I'll respectfully suggestion that you should transition from a forum on saving marriages to one that is a bit more open to losing them. Folks here are willing to fight for marriages and may not see eye to eye with your (frankly) course of self-destruction


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> Might as well try it. You're going to lose her anyway. Anyone who callously disregards their spouse's needs because their own needs are being satisfied is in danger of this. Hey, at least you won't have to go all NCIS trying to figure out who she is cheating on you with. You'll have had a ringside seat.


i do not think he is callously ignoring her....the OP just has a much lower libido.
He had a good deal, some sex, and she augmented it with cybersex. 
Now she is hooked, and needs more....physically.

I agree, she is probably out the door unless she gets more and kinkier sex. If the OP is not willing to give it, why not let her have a hall pass. THe worst that will happen is a divorce, which i am sure already crossed her mind. And she MIGHT be happy with a once a week fling, and come back to the OP and have a nearly normal marriage then.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

She's out the door because she's already found someone else, because she's already proven her first instinct is to cheat rather than atleast try for an equitable solution and because she is a selfish 'me first' person ( I mean if you're proposing an open marriage atleast throw him the FMF bone, but that's not even going to happen because she's already identified the guy)


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

eric1 said:


> She's out the door because she's already found someone else, because she's already proven her first instinct is to cheat rather than atleast try for an equitable solution and because she is a selfish 'me first' person ( I mean if you're proposing an open marriage atleast throw him the FMF bone, but that's not even going to happen because she's already identified the guy)


That's one perspective, another is that he is the selfish, "me first" person. He is getting enough sex to meet his own needs and shows little interest in increasing his level of participation. He would rather have her mutually masturbate with strange men over the internet than give her more sex.



I'll never understand the "low desire" mindset. There is a world of difference between disinterest and pain. If someone has some trauma/physical issue/etc., I can see the difficulty in meeting their partner's needs. But simple lack of desire? How many things do each of us do every day despite a complete lack of desire? I'm 100% LD for going to work, mowing the lawn, paying bills, going to the dentist...and a million other things. I do them anyway and I do them well. My wife needs me to listen when she needs to talk. I'm not always in the mood for this, but it's what she needs and I listen intently and offer her support. That's the glue that holds a relationship together. 

Do people really not understand this?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

eric1 said:


> She's out the door because she's already found someone else, )


well, yes, of course. She has been having cyber sex with other men online. Eventually she found one close enough that a physical contact was easy, and she has been drooling over that chance ever since.

But lets look at this calmly.

MOST women in that situation would simply go meet the guy in a motel room. She took the effort to tell her husband and to TRY to involve her in the sex. 

OP already admitted he has a much lower libido and is fine with her having cybersex online. Moving that to a physical encounter is...kind of a small step further. The line (cybersex, EA, etc) was crossed months ago.

I truly think this case is a little unusual, in that she is open and not trying to hide anything. She will tell him anything he wants to know.

AND, what is the other alternative...him suddenly telling her NO MORE CYBER SEX? She craves it now, it will probably push her over the edge. Does he want to roll those dice?

I realize there are all sorts of negative connotations: Hotwife, Cuckold, etc. But the specific details of each situation do matter


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> That's one perspective, another is that he is the selfish, "me first" person. He is getting enough sex to meet his own needs and shows little interest in increasing his level of participation. He would rather have her mutually masturbate with strange men over the internet than give her more sex.


He might be something other than selfish. He could be
Asexual
Low Libido (either by nature, medications he takes, etc)
Bisexual and not that interested in girls
Lazy
Just does not see it like it is a big thing


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> well, yes, of course. She has been having cyber sex with other men online. Eventually she found one close enough that a physical contact was easy, and she has been drooling over that chance ever since.
> 
> But lets look at this calmly.
> 
> ...


I kind of (and respectfully) disagree. Cheaters often operate in the open and brazenly. She has already identified the guy and is suggesting a MFM because she wants _that_ guy. Giving her husband a half truth is preferable to a complete falsification because it gives the lie plausible deniability.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

eric1 said:


> I kind of (and respectfully) disagree. Cheaters often operate in the open and brazenly. She has already identified the guy and is suggesting a MFM because she wants _that_ guy. Giving her husband a half truth is preferable to a complete falsification because it gives the lie plausible deniability.


Nothing the OP shared indicates that she's cheating. Sure, she may have someone in mind for an MFM if he agrees to it (which he has, apparently). So what? It becomes a problem if she insists on seeing the same guy more frequently than the OP is comfortable with, or she runs off with him. Otherwise, there's probably not a problem. A little paranoia and caution on the OP's part is probably a good idea, but since everything has been open and consensual with them so far, I don't see any reason for that to change. I do wonder if the OP's wife truly respects him, so that is a key issue we don't have the answer to, but she respects him enough to openly discuss and negotiate with him, and offer to stop if that's what he wants. I think that indicates respect and love - not mainstream, traditional relationship-style, though; but that doesn't work for everyone, obviously, and there's no reason it should.

We've had an open/swinging/poly relationship for a long time, and never crossed any boundaries we both agreed to. I had a regular FWB for years, we've had MFM and FMF many times, wife had her own occasional FWB, and we were in a poly quad for a while. Mutual respect, good communication, and ability to hold boundaries can work for these scenarios. While I really don't "get" the cuckold/hotwife situation the OP is in, and think it's the riskiest (by far) of the various forms of non-monogamy, I have seen it work for others.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

gregsoleman said:


> I've stayed away from this thread for fear of the reactions to my last post. I can see I was partly right. I honestly do appreciate all the advice, but as I said right from my OP, I know ultimately only my wife and I understand the dynamics of our relationship and only we can make the final decision as to the direction our marriage is going to take. That decision has now been made and I thought it would be correct to report it here, but I won't be coming back to read the responses - sorry, it would only confuse things and my mind is already made up. Feel free to express your opinions, they won't offend me because I won't be here to see them.
> Before I go on, I feel I owe it to my W to make one thing clear: she has never manipulated me or taken advantage of my weakness. I've brougth this onto myself because deep inside I think I actually wanted it to happen. I was only getting cold feet the other day, when I wrote the OP, because I realised it had gone too far to reverse it, and I became afraid of the consequences, for example the possible break-up of our marriage.
> What I didn't explain properly is how the whole webcamming business started. It wasn't my wife's idea, it was mine. She was masturbating in bed one day and asked me to close the curtains, so our neighbour wouldn't see her.
> I said "so what if he sees you, give him a treat!" She resisted at first, but then she went with it and really enjoyed it. Our neighbour never even came to the window, but that wasn't the point. My wife came super-hard and afterwards told me she'd felt so turned on at the thought of getting caught. It was like a revelation to her. The thing is, I'd enjoyed it too, in fact I was kind of disappointed that she hadn't been seen.
> ...


You are about to destroy your marriage. Enjoy


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The damage has been done. A woman wants to be desired and cherished by her man. In her inner hamster brain, she knows that if my husband is ok with me having cyber sex with strange men, that you really don't cherish her. 

To suggest that your wife expose herself to other men as a way of getting away from your marital responsibility to each other is dereliction of your duty as a husband. Now she wants to take it to the next logical step. Which is when it will happen. In the middle of passionate sex he'll lovingly tells her "I would never share you if you were my girl." Boom, game over.

I'm not sure if you can put the genie back in the bottle, but if you want to salvage your marriage, you better put an end to this web cam thing and any talk of any body having her in person. Tell her you love her and are jealous that other men are enjoying what should only be yours. Then work on upping your game on meeting any REASONABLE sexual needs.

Anything less, will have you posting in the infidelity section in a few months.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

jsmart said:


> The damage has been done. A woman wants to be desired and cherished by her man. In her inner hamster brain, she knows that if my husband is ok with me having cyber sex with strange men, that you really don't cherish her.
> 
> To suggest that your wife expose herself to other men as a way of getting away from your marital responsibility to each other is dereliction of your duty as a husband. Now she wants to take it to the next logical step. Which is when it will happen. In the middle of passionate sex he'll lovingly tells her "I would never share you if you were my girl." Boom, game over.
> 
> ...


Should be there now.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> That's one perspective, another is that he is the selfish, "me first" person. He is getting enough sex to meet his own needs and shows little interest in increasing his level of participation. He would rather have her mutually masturbate with strange men over the internet than give her more sex.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Amen! :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jsmart said:


> To suggest that your wife expose herself to other men as a way of getting away from your marital responsibility to each other is dereliction of your duty as a husband. Now she wants to take it to the next logical step.


that is the point here. the damage is done. so why NOT enthusiastically tell her "Yes, i want to see you doing this other man you met online". It is a small step towards showing her, again, that he DOES care about her sexual needs, and is willing to let her be the Hotwife, or he the Cuckold, that she now is fantasizing about.

It is a dangerous play, but any more dangerous than the path they already are on? Maybe it is all she does need, a monthly 3some tryst, then she will be content again for the remaining month?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think, by what the OP has posted, that his wife has played him like a violin. 

It is like "I really don't but would you like to see me with another man".

She played OP like a master.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

ABHale said:


> I think, by what the OP has posted, that his wife has played him like a violin.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I'm not so sure. I think she wanted a more sexual and passionate husband and marriage but couldn't have it

I think she thought the online release was a step toward validating her sexual needs and still not cross any boundaries. (Most who do these online affairs probably believe they're still being faithful. I don't but I accept that most rationalize this).

Then I think she saw a sexual connection with him in his arousal at her online sex. I think she probably would have preferred to extend the sexuality with him, based on what he wrote.

But I also think she had a taste of sexual fulfillment - the type she realized she would never get from him because he didn't feel it important to provide - and lust took over.

IOW I don't think she intentionally played him from the start. But his reaction allowed this slow moving train to build momentum and I don't think either has the strength (or desire) to stop it 


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## Warrior73 (Jun 25, 2017)

zookeeper said:


> That's one perspective, another is that he is the selfish, "me first" person. He is getting enough sex to meet his own needs and shows little interest in increasing his level of participation. He would rather have her mutually masturbate with strange men over the internet than give her more sex.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm not sure how someone can think that once a week is low desire...I would say it has to be average for married people who have kids and have busy lives.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I'm not so sure. I think she wanted a more sexual and passionate husband and marriage but couldn't have it
> 
> I think she thought the online release was a step toward validating her sexual needs and still not cross any boundaries. (Most who do these online affairs probably believe they're still being faithful. I don't but I accept that most rationalize this).
> 
> ...


We just see if differently. Any way, I think it is the beginning of the end.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

john117 said:


> Let's just say that the story is fairly high on my "this can't be real" scale. A webcam? Really?


lol you think?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BobSimmons said:


> lol you think?




Didn't you read @Vikings' thread? She started working out, lost weight, began online sexting... 


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

ABHale said:


> We just see if differently. Any way, I think it is the beginning of the end.




There we agree


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Hope he enjoys being cuckolded. This will never end well.


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## sissyphus (Feb 1, 2012)

This is so not right. there is definitely an issue here.


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## MarriedAHooker (Sep 20, 2017)

if OP wants to keep his wife, he better let her have some sex...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Never, ever, ever open a relationship with the goal of fixing it. I am a poster child for a very happy, decades long open marriage. And I have seen it happen over and over thinking something like this fixes. It does not fix ANYTHING. It does not build closeness. It hurts and hurts until nothing remains but bitterness.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> Nothing the OP shared indicates that she's cheating. Sure, she may have someone in mind for an MFM if he agrees to it (which he has, apparently). So what? It becomes a problem if she insists on seeing the same guy more frequently than the OP is comfortable with, or she runs off with him. Otherwise, there's probably not a problem. A little paranoia and caution on the OP's part is probably a good idea, but since everything has been open and consensual with them so far, I don't see any reason for that to change. I do wonder if the OP's wife truly respects him, so that is a key issue we don't have the answer to, but she respects him enough to openly discuss and negotiate with him, and offer to stop if that's what he wants. I think that indicates respect and love - not mainstream, traditional relationship-style, though; but that doesn't work for everyone, obviously, and there's no reason it should.
> 
> We've had an open/swinging/poly relationship for a long time, and never crossed any boundaries we both agreed to. I had a regular FWB for years, we've had MFM and FMF many times, wife had her own occasional FWB, and we were in a poly quad for a while. Mutual respect, good communication, and ability to hold boundaries can work for these scenarios. While I really don't "get" the cuckold/hotwife situation the OP is in, and think it's the riskiest (by far) of the various forms of non-monogamy, I have seen it work for others.


I too was/am in a long term swinging marriage (not active anymore, but neither of us have declared it officially over) And I agree that cuckold/hot wife is a completely different animal in turns of risk for the H. 

I think the couples that it works long term for are where the H is basically asexual and mostly wants a Wife-Applience around to keep up appearances in the community and to manage all the kid stuff and manage the household and he really doesn't care if she desires him sexually or not. 

If all a guy wants out of a wife is someone to shuttle kids around and take care of the house and he doesn't care if she ever digs him sexually again, then it probably doesn't matter.

But IMHO if a H wants to have his wife sexually desire him and respect him as a sexual being, then cuckold/hot wife is a very dangerous minefield that must be navigated very carefully.


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## MarriedAHooker (Sep 20, 2017)

NobodySpecial said:


> Never, ever, ever open a relationship with the goal of fixing it. I am a poster child for a very happy, decades long open marriage. And I have seen it happen over and over thinking something like this fixes. It does not fix ANYTHING. It does not build closeness. It hurts and hurts until nothing remains but bitterness.


maybe, OP seems more OK with it than your average chap, +++ she's clearly gonna do it anyway...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MarriedAHooker said:


> maybe, OP seems more OK with it than your average chap, +++ *she's clearly gonna do it anyway*...


Not exactly what I would call ethical non-monogamy.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Me, I'd be using this as a way out if she wanted to do this. Basically you get another guy and toodleeoo to you too.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Keep in mind, the majority of responses will come from participants in which this type of behavior in their own relationships would doom it. Very few relationships function well at this level so most men especially, would condemn it. Communication in open marriages must multiply tenfold. 

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## SeattleWill (Aug 8, 2018)

Don't do it!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Perhaps its all passive game play. He knows she has moved beyond him. He doesn't have the relationship power to end it on his own terms. 
She is going to leave him so he doesn't have to do anything but wait for it to happen. He can cry in the "poor me" chair when it's done.

But most importantly: He doesn't have to admit to himself that he was never man enough.

He wants this to happen just as much as she does ...... just for different reasons.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________--

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just replied to an old thread !!!!!!!

I hate hate hate hate hate when I do that !!!!!!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie thread closing down...


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