# Working far away from wife having an EA



## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

This is my first post, I found this place while looking for advice on my situation. My wife is having an EA with an old boyfriend from 34 years ago, while I am working in the Middle East.

S, my wife was recently contacted through Facebook by D, a man she had a love affair with 34 years ago. S tells me there was no sex with him back them, that I have been the one and only (she is from a conservative south Asian background). D was engaged at the time and ended the affair to marry his betrothed, whom he later divorced. He remarried some years later.

A couple of weeks after S told me about D contacting her, she told me that she wanted to leave the marriage, saying I was not showing her enough love. What complicates matters is that I work in the Middle East and we spend months away from each other. I told her that I was just tired and at my end from being isolated out in the desert. We met for a break soon after that, things went OK and we seemed to have reconciled. 

I did look at her computer one day and saw that D had sent messages of "I love you" on her Skype account. I asked her about that and she told me D was just joking but was being very attentive to her - and that he said that his marriage was dead. She has said that her heart was pounding when he first contacted her and it seems this is giving her some thrills, or maybe scary thrills.

Now we are apart again and I asked her to tell me what was going on. She said she is in touch with D but asked him not to contact her often and that he was unhappy about that. In fact, he wants to meet her. This would be easy for him because he has the time, money and freedom to make the one-hour flight to where we live.

Another complication was that she caught me cheating more than once in the past and brings that up often, even though I have been faithful for the last few years. 

I don't know how to play this. Obviously, I can't watch what she is doing while I am thousands of miles away. I did tell her that he was either being very reckless with all these professions of love and desire to someone he has not seen in 34 years while he himself is married, or he was just manipulating her to get into her pants.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The problem isn't just with this guy. It's with your marriage and your wife. She's enjoying the attention and lapping it up, and you're not there to be the one providing that, much less monitor what's going on. 

What are the chances you can move back home? Without that, I don't know what your chances are, but I would say "not good".

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

I could quit today and be home tomorrow, but my contract has six months to run and I would be foregoing a lot of money and a lot of my professional reputation. It will be another couple months before I can get away to see her again.

Since I have not been a saint myself, I can't rant and rave at her about this, only ask her to be honest with me. It might be something that burns itself out. I actually kind of doubt that D is serious about leaving his wife, the mother of his kids, but I have no real basis of knowledge for that belief.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Expose the D guy to his wife. Hire a PI.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> I could quit today and be home tomorrow, but my contract has six months to run and *I would be foregoing a lot of money and a lot of my professional reputation*.


What do you value more? Your marriage or the money and professional reputation?

If you value your marriage you better haul your backside home -- like yesterday!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> What do you value more? Your marriage or the money and professional reputation?
> 
> If you value your marriage you better haul your backside home -- like yesterday!


I don't agree. He need not be a watchdog for his wife.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Martin12 said:


> I could quit today and be home tomorrow, but my contract has six months to run and I would be foregoing a lot of money and a lot of my professional reputation. It will be another couple months before I can get away to see her again.
> 
> Since I have not been a saint myself, I can't rant and rave at her about this, only ask her to be honest with me. It might be something that burns itself out. I actually kind of doubt that D is serious about leaving his wife, the mother of his kids, but I have no real basis of knowledge for that belief.


Priorities. You also do not take this so seriously. You are ok with her EA burning out. This sounds more like something that has heated up and they will find a way to go PA.

Instigation, Isolation and Escalation. You are isolated. They will get together if they have not already.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Thanks for the advice and support so far. 

As I said, I could come home tomorrow or the day after, but I have to consider the second-and third-order effects of that. I have a job that pays very well, is interesting and professionally challenging and has 70 days' vacation a year to boot. Another 1-2 years of this and we will be all set for retirement. If I go home because of this, I'm going resent it and be pissed off. I might have problems finding another job. After a few months of hanging around the house and spending money, she will be pissed off and that will translate into the marriage. 

As far as hiring a PI, I think that would be difficult from here without her knowledge because of our joint accounts. Anyways, because of the distance between them (about 500 miles), I do not expect this to move quickly or happen often, so the PI could watch her for weeks and nothing will happen. 

I also know a lot about this guy just from the internet because S told me his name, work, etc. I could contact his wife, but that is a nuclear option and I have no grounds to be sanctimonious upon, nor do I wish to cause pain. I think I understand where this guy is coming from - my wife is someone he wanted 34 years ago and never got, and now he's looking to correct that. There is a big step between having an affair and leaving your marriage.

What I mostly want are ways to communicate with her to discourage this without saying something that will send her into secret operations.

I asked her what she and him have been talking about (they have talked on the phone and by text) and this is what she wrote (edited to omit personal details but preserve the gist):




> There really isn't much to talk about. He talk a lot about his life, what he has been doing and esp. what since I last saw him (sort of catching up). He told me how he regrets leaving me, how he was afraid because for the first time in his life, he met someone he cared deeply for but he was not ready to settle down. He feels that he should have given it a chance but that he was young and reckless. He didn't want to ruin my life (he was not sure how it would be and whether he could change but he also said talking to me, I sound like i have grown and grounded) because he was kinda of carefree and had a lot of fun with partying. BUT he told me that he feels that if he had married me(knowing me and how i turned out to be), I would have straightened his life out and been an asset to him, that i would have helped him and guided him, he was sort of a hippie. He liked adventure and was not ready to settle down. But in retrospect, he thinks we would have made it. he asked me to forgive him and once he asked me to marry him jokingly(of course he has always been nuts - makes me laugh a lot). when we knew each other we joked and laughed a lot. He is very smart and knowledgeable (in many ways he is like you but he is sweet not a meanie).
> 
> He has told me about his business briefly, how busy he is traveling. He operates from anywhere his businesses. He would like to meet me and see me face to face.
> 
> ...


I have pointed out to her that he may be a "dawg" who is trying to get her into bed, and I think since we have discussed bad male behavior over the years (as a result of my infidelity) she is receptive to this.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you have a friend or a close neighbor to check if anyone is coming to the house or if she's out all night?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

She must go total NC with this guy. Block him on FB. No other contact either ... ever.


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## onthefence210 (Apr 29, 2012)

I am also new to this site and was the OW and I am married so let me give you some advice as I kno exactly what's going thru ur wife's head and I kno how it will all end up. Contact his wife and make her aware of the "friendship" if she isn't aware already. If its nothing to worry about then there is no reason for it to be secret. Do it now before she gets so wrapped up in the fantasy. If you are willing to look at your marriage...talk about the issues, acknowledge and accept ur own short comings...and she can do the same...u have a chance. Sadly you are away so much and that leaves for a very difficult situation. She needs this guy because of her own issues. I've been her for over two yrs. My married BF lives over 700 miles away...there are many different ways to be intimate without physical contact...believe me. You need to expose the situation. It just makes it harder for them to carry on. And since ur not around...she doesn't need to hide a whole lot. I denied my affair for a yr and half before my husband caught me. Even then I convinced him it was over. It was until he started questioning everything that I confessed and so did the married bf as he was afraid my H would contact his wife. His wife contacted me after that. It didn't stop the affair completely but it did put a huge cramp in it. It has since ended...but it has messed me up emotionally. Don't let it get that far. Contact his wife!!!! Make her aware.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

keko said:


> Do you have a friend or a close neighbor to check if anyone is coming to the house or if she's out all night?


No, at least not anyone that I would let into such a personal matter.



Entropy3000 said:


> She must go total NC with this guy. Block him on FB. No other contact either ... ever.


I think if I make this demand I will drive it underground and maybe make it more intense and worse. I will have no way of knowing.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Wife is having an affair, husband is not comfortable with that she knows that but not ready to go NC Do you know what is wrong with this situation? she dont care for your feelings or worries as a faithful wife should.

You leaving the work is foolish, you need money to live rest of your life, Even if with her or someone else. you canot be a watchdog to prevent her from straying.

Tell her your concerns one more time and ask her to stop all contact with OM firmly, if she wanted to keep her marriage. he is fishing his old flame. he know that she is vulnerable and her boundaries are weak.

If she didnt respect your concern and feelings then she dont deserve a life with you ask her to pack her bags and leave the home and live with OM.

Did you exposed the A to OMW? If not do that immediately.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should protect your money now because it's all you are going to have very soon to keep you company. Your wife is on her way out of the marriage, and you are too afraid of loosing the future to act.

You should tell the OMW immediately and warn her too,because her marriage is on the way to its end as well.

You sir are in deep denial on how badly this is soon going to end for you if you take the wait and hope approach.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Martin12 said:


> I think if I make this demand I will drive it underground and maybe make it more intense and worse. I will have no way of knowing.


She is not stopping now. What good is this? You fear she will go underground so you allow her to have her OM? The key is to stop an EA early. Time is your enemy. make it clear this is unacceptable. If she goes underground, then cut her loose. Allowing her to have another man is enabling her and makes you look weak and unattractive to her.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

We just had a nice discussion on Skype, others were around so we did not talk about the issue, but she was nice and loving.

I am sanguine about this for several reasons. First, she comes from a shame/taboo culture where having a PA would not only be a big step, but would change her own opinion of herself negatively. Second, she is well aware of the strong possibility that he is just manipulating her to get some on the side and something he always wanted but never had and once that happens will leave the scene again. Third, when she complained about my emotional distance and said she was thinking of leaving, I warned her that what she thought would happen might not happen and that there would be a fair division of assets. Fourth, she knows I have the OMW's contact info and could drop that bomb any minute.

We are in our late 50s, not kids anymore and have been around. I don't think it's a lack of self respect not to react in a dramatic and possible counter-productive way to this.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is she working back home? If she isn't have her live with you.

Living seperate for long times is the reason she is seeking other love(s).


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

keko said:


> Is she working back home? If she isn't have her live with you.
> 
> Living seperate for long times is the reason she is seeking other love(s).


Yes, she is working back home and where I work is not a place where spouses stay, it's a harsh and isolated environment.

I know that living separate is a problem, but she didn't seek this out, he contacted her.

I was thinking that I could contact him and tell him to cut it out - or I would contact his wife.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> I was thinking that I could contact him and tell him to cut it out - or *I would contact his wife*.


Do the bolded part only.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

keko said:


> Do the bolded part only.


Why? I thought I'd give him a chance to back off before nuking him (and her, an innocent party).


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your actively supporting a lie by not exposing to his wife and leaving her to a world of pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> Your actively supporting a lie by not exposing to his wife and leaving her to a world of pain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ignorance is bliss in some cases. It's harrowing right now for me, but I don't think this is going anywhere, or at least very far.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> but I don't think this is going anywhere, or at least very far.


That's correct, affair's have a very small "success" rate. If they were to meet in person more than likely he'll use your wife for some time and leave her when your heat gets onto him.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> Why? I thought I'd give him a chance to back off before nuking him (and her, an innocent party).


Opposite actually, you keeping this away from his wife is supporting the affair. Expose at once and hard.


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## onthefence210 (Apr 29, 2012)

Just beware that lying comes easy to those who don't want to get caught. If u just let the OM wife kno that there's a friendship to be aware of...it shouldn't be a big deal on either parts if that's all it is.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

I admit I am angry today because she did not reply to my email laying down some rules and asking about their contact.

I am trying to keep cool, but I almost called OM or OMW this morning (would have been 2am their time).


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Warning the OM will only serve him to make up a story about friend's crazy husband to his wife in advance. Don't.

Expose the affair to OMW, you are not there but she is. You lose nothing with that.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not ever warn or even contact the OM. It only comes back haunt you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would also caution you about feeling confident you know the whole picture. It takes all of about 3 minutes to set up a new email account you know nothing about, and about the same to buy a pre-paid phone. If she decides she wants to continue with him and hide it from you, you'll be in the dark.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

PBear said:


> I would also caution you about feeling confident you know the whole picture. It takes all of about 3 minutes to set up a new email account you know nothing about, and about the same to buy a pre-paid phone. If she decides she wants to continue with him and hide it from you, you'll be in the dark.
> 
> C


Of course I am not confident I know the whole picture - I am thousands of miles away. I don't even have her email password, nor could I monitor her phone calls or text messages. Of course that would change when I come home - then I can watch her 24/7!

I do have some confidence that she will act in accordance with her personality and cultural background and that I can reinforce the marriage by communicating better.

I am giving her some space to reminisce with this guy, but I expect the present reality will not sustain this or long. I am waiting to see how aggressive he is before creating any drama with him or his wife.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> *I am giving her some space to reminisce with this guy, but I expect the present reality will not sustain this or long. *I am waiting to see how aggressive he is before creating any drama with him or his wife.


WTF!

You're giving her space to reminisce? How nice.

The deep longing of bygone yesterdays and a lifetime together that never was. Oh how could we have been so blind not to see that we belong together. Our love was meant to be...

You get the picture.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Martin12 said:


> Of course I am not confident I know the whole picture - I am thousands of miles away. I don't even have her email password, nor could I monitor her phone calls or text messages. Of course that would change when I come home - then I can watch her 24/7!
> 
> I do have some confidence that she will act in accordance with her personality and cultural background and that I can reinforce the marriage by communicating better.
> 
> *I am giving her some space to reminisce with this guy, but I expect the present reality will not sustain this or long. * I am waiting to see how aggressive he is before creating any drama with him or his wife.


*Total FAIL*

That said I do agree the current situation will not sustain itself. It will escalate. Rapidly to a PA if it has not already.

Giving the guy a chance to back off. Huh!? Let me be obtusely blunt, the only backing away he will be doing if he gets a chance is on the upstroke. Seriously. Sorry to be crude. Why would we expect a man who wants inot our wives pants to decide to back away until he reaches his goal?

You are giving space for her to deepen her bond. Think of this like a black hole situation where things are slowly moving into it. At some point there is no truning back and it goes geometric. You don't wait.

Her relationship with this guy is fanatasy.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> She is not stopping now. What good is this? You fear she will go underground so you allow her to have her OM? The key is to stop an EA early. Time is your enemy. make it clear this is unacceptable. If she goes underground, then cut her loose. Allowing her to have another man is enabling her and makes you look weak and unattractive to her.


I agree with this. i also think, especially for a man,to put your job in jeopardy is a bad idea. If you don't save your marriage, what would you have left?


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> WTF!
> 
> You're giving her space to reminisce? How nice.
> 
> ...





Entropy3000 said:


> *Total FAIL*
> 
> That said I do agree the current situation will not sustain itself. It will escalate. Rapidly to a PA if it has not already.
> 
> ...


Maybe you're both right. My feelings are on a roller-coaster. What is the key is when she said she wanted to leave me soon after this guy contacted her, because I wasn't expressing enough love for her. That upset me a lot, and she backed off and we reconciled when we were together.

Another thing that bothers me is how glowingly she talks about the guy, how "honorable" and "honest" he is. I take this as an implied comment on my past cheating. She has also been stingy with praise and appreciation of me over the years, especially given the series of high-stress and dangerous jobs I have had. 

Her and I have all the baggage of a tumultuous 30+ year marriage and all of the resentments along with the good things. Him and her only have the pure unconsummated love from 34 years ago. 

I have been thinking that she might have largely been "on the rebound" from him when she met me - she mentioned him favorably a few times over the years.

So if this is the course of idealized true love and I am over here, how can I stop it?

So now she tells me that he is getting a divorce from his wife, so even as I was considering calling her today, I don't know if it will make much difference. I won't do it today because I have had a couple of drinks this evening.

Part of me just thinks I should cut her loose and go the route of most of the guys I work with - the hacienda in the Philippines or Costa Rica, the condo in Thailand or Dubai and the young second wife/concubine. 

I will call the OMW just for grins and giggles when I'm sober, though.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

He is a fantasy. You have to kill the affair. Anyway you can.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Also, married couples should be transparent with passwords. You should be free to log into her email, facebook, twitter, etc and her into yours. As has been said before, privacy is closing the door when you take a sh!t, secrecy is something different: the hiding place where affairs thrive.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> I could quit today and be home tomorrow, but my contract has six months to run and I would be foregoing a lot of money and a lot of my professional reputation. It will be another couple months before I can get away to see her again.
> 
> Since I have not been a saint myself, I can't rant and rave at her about this, only ask her to be honest with me. It might be something that burns itself out. I actually kind of doubt that D is serious about leaving his wife, the mother of his kids, but I have no real basis of knowledge for that belief.


Since you are making good money, why doesnt your wife move with you to the desert for the remaineder of your contract? 

You have no idea about the other man, and his intentions, best not to assume. The only deal is with your wife, getting her focused on your marraige and not skyping this OM. 

I feel you are remotely excusing her behavior (skyping, constantly communication with OM) due to your lack of commitment you had in the past... why? Do not allow her to cross the marital boundaries and act like her behavior is okay. Demand she stop this inappropriate communication- tell her to go NC, and arrange for her to live with you...


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> Why? I thought I'd give him a chance to back off before nuking him (and her, an innocent party).


dont feel you are over-stepping here, contact his wife... hell he is trying to seduce yours!!!


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

hi where in the mid east are you working?we are also in the mid east,long distance relationship sometimes does not really work why not bring her here instead?


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> Of course I am not confident I know the whole picture - I am thousands of miles away. I don't even have her email password, nor could I monitor her phone calls or text messages. Of course that would change when I come home - then I can watch her 24/7!
> 
> I do have some confidence that she will act in accordance with her personality and cultural background and that I can reinforce the marriage by communicating better.
> 
> I am giving her some space to reminisce with this guy, but I expect the present reality will not sustain this or long. I am waiting to see how aggressive he is before creating any drama with him or his wife.


You are giving your wife too much credit here, and she is the one totally out of line!

Yea she might have came from a cultural background that looked at these actions as forbidden, but she has already began to engage in actions that are leading her towards an affair. 

What is the point of them reminising? and how long are you going to allow this to happen before you say, enough is enough and get her back focued on your marriage and not OM marriage?


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> Maybe you're both right. My feelings are on a roller-coaster. What is the key is when she said she wanted to leave me soon after this guy contacted her, because I wasn't expressing enough love for her. That upset me a lot, and she backed off and we reconciled when we were together.
> 
> Another thing that bothers me is how glowingly she talks about the guy, how "honorable" and "honest" he is. I take this as an implied comment on my past cheating. She has also been stingy with praise and appreciation of me over the years, especially given the series of high-stress and dangerous jobs I have had.
> 
> ...


i live in Dubai, plenty of woman to help you take your mind off this WW... but that won't solve the issue I know


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> Another complication was that she caught me cheating more than once in the past and brings that up often, even though I have been faithful for the last nine years.


My mind is blown that no one has even touched this in any of the posts. I think its a huge factor. If you have cheated on her multiple times it may explain why she is willing to engage in an EA. It doesn't excuse her actions but do you think maybe she fears you are cheating again? 

I'm pretty familiar with the cultural background of your wife (if I am inferring correctly from your post). Shame never stops anyone but it would be very surprising for her to engage in a PA. Especially if she is in her 50s but I wouldn't rule it out. 

I think a lot people here are giving you advice to go nuclear on her without considering the implications. Do you really want to get divorced when you are close to retiring? Because if you push too hard that is what could happen. 

This is just my opinion but you have no right to go in with power plays when you have such a checkered history. It is only going to push your wife further away. I think you need to make sure they never meet until you get home. That should be your priority for now.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> My mind is blown that no one has even touched this in any of the posts. I think its a huge factor. If you have cheated on her multiple times it may explain why she is willing to engage in an EA. It doesn't excuse her actions but do you think maybe she fears you are cheating again?
> 
> I'm pretty familiar with the cultural background of your wife (if I am inferring correctly from your post). Shame never stops anyone but it would be very surprising for her to engage in a PA. Especially if she is in her 50s but I wouldn't rule it out.
> 
> ...


Thanks, you see my point. Who am I to rant and rave? She _always_ thinks I am cheating, even if I am out in the desert surrounded by camels. I dare not mention a woman within 100 kilometers.

Since last night (the seven hour time difference is a problem), we are airing things out a little and she is being conciliatory. According to her, after she told him she did not want frequent contact, the OM has not contacted her. 

It is impossible for her to join me - I am not in a nice city like Dubai, and she has her own career and work.

If she says the OM is not contacting her, and promises to tell me if he does, maybe I just have to calm down and trust her and her past faithfulness, age and cultural background to keep the OM off of her.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> This is just my opinion but you have no right to go in with power plays when you have such a checkered history. It is only going to push your wife further away. I think you need to make sure they never meet until you get home. That should be your priority for now.


I disagree. Regardless of his checkered past, he does have a right to use any means necessary to protect his marriage. She does not get a pass because of his past transgressions. She made a conscious choice to remain married to the OP.

Also, making sure that they never meet will not keep her from bonding with the OM. People fall in love all the time over the Internet without ever having met.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> If she says the OM is not contacting her, and promises to tell me if he does, maybe I just have to calm down and trust her and her past faithfulness, age and cultural background to keep the OM off of her.



Commit these two words to memory:

*CHEATERS LIE*​


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Wow, an eventful couple of days.

First, it appears that the EA escalated to a PA.

I talked to my wife and demanded her passwords on Facebook and email. She gave them to me, but not without some editing beforehand.

The real thing was that with her email I was able to reset her password on Skype (where I knew they were communicating) and get access to a series of voicemail messages from OM. 

The voicemail messages were shocking in their professions of love and intimacy. I saved them to my computer.

Once I heard the messages I knew my wife was not telling the truth.

I contacted the OMW and she called me. I gave her a data dump on what I knew, including sending her the voicemail messages.

It turns out she is going through the same thing, that her husband suddenly expressed unprecedented dissatisfaction in the marriage a couple of months ago and said he wanted a divorce, which is in process.

OMW told me that she believes that they met on a couple of occasions, but did not want to share the details for that belief, probably for legal reasons. 

Thanks for the guidance here, I am going to call my wife soon, what should I say?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Tell her you are filing.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

First, if you have not done so, tell her family and friends that she is a cheat. 

Then tell her you will be filing for divorce and that she needs to move out of the house before you get home. Then do it, don't fake it. 

Maybe if she sees you are serious and that your are willing to move on without her, she will see the light and break off the affair.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Time to go full nuclear with the affair details. Now you know that cheaters lie and you going forward cannot trust anything she tells you if you cannot verify it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

I gave OMW my wife's cell phone number, she is also going to call her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And secure your money from her having access to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

I am thinking of going silent for a day with her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> I am thinking of going silent for a day with her.


Why not a couple of weeks? Make her sweat.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> And secure your money from her having access to it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is not money-minded. Anyways, most of the assets are tied up in real estate and IRAs which are not liquid.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Why not a couple of weeks? Make her sweat.


If I want to save the marriage that seems like a long time. I can take a hard line.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> She is not money-minded. Anyways, most of the assets are tied up in real estate and IRAs which are not liquid.


She may not be but he might be. He'll give her guidance on how to squeeze you for every nickel.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Do you want to save this marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

When did it went PA?


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

keko said:


> When did it went PA?


They met a couple of times at the beginning and end of april.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Which means its still very recent and active. So, are you filing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Which means its still very recent and active. So, are you filing?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She denies any sex, only coffee meetings. I have no proof otherwise. I doubt she would have sex on a first meeting, and we were in the process of reconciling by the time they had the second meeting.

She is going to send the no contact email to him and copy me on it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Martin12 said:


> She denies any sex, only coffee meetings. I have no proof otherwise. I doubt she would have sex on a first meeting, and we were in the process of reconciling by the time they had the second meeting.
> 
> She is going to send the no contact email to him and copy me on it.


Right. So he traveled how far for coffee, not to mention the other details you have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

This coffee meeting thing is called a date.

Really, it's not a situation where you should give benefit of doubt.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Right. So he traveled how far for coffee, not to mention the other details you have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He does have a business near our home - I have verified this. 

OMW thinks they were getting it on and says she has more proof but won't share it with me because they are in the process of a divorce.

Without knowing what the evidence is or whether OMW is looking at it though her anger (she is very angry) I don't know.

My wife is ready to reconcile and apart from this phone call to OMW, I've done other things to disrupt the relationship between W and OM.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If OM s getting a divorce what's stopping him from shacking up with your wife until you return?

Do you have anyone at home you trust to checkup on her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If OM s getting a divorce what's stopping him from shacking up with your wife until you return?
> 
> Do you have anyone at home you trust to checkup on her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, 2 of my older kids going to a local college are home. She would never bring him home for that reason.

Plus, I told her that OMW is watching him and probably her. She is freaked.

If they get together, now there will be fear and paranoia that will spoil things somewhat. For her, she now sees no future to the relationship and severe possible consequences.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I feel for you Martin. Hang tough.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I feel for you Martin. Hang tough.


Thanks.

For what it's worth, she sent him a no more contact email, one I drafted, and copied me on it.

I actually think it's worth a lot, and that she'll stay away from him.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> Thanks.
> 
> For what it's worth, she sent him a no more contact email, one I drafted, and copied me on it.
> 
> I actually think it's worth a lot, and that she'll stay away from him.


Martin, I'm pulling for you. Have you exposed her to the kids? They could be a great ally in your attempt to save your marriage.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Why did it turn around so quick? Just a few post's ago she was wanting out of the marriage. 

Good news but you should keep monitoring her for a little longer just to make sure she brokes her promise.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

keko said:


> Why did it turn around so quick? Just a few post's ago she was wanting out of the marriage.
> 
> Good news but you should keep monitoring her for a little longer just to make sure she brokes her promise.


It was something brief and intense. He contacted her on FB at the beginning of March, just before March 9. She told me he had contacted her right away. I suspect they had an increasingly intense discussion by various remote means for a couple weeks after that. Whether and when they met in March, I don't know yet.

I knew little of what was going on at that point. We had a running joke about her and him, but then her attitude about me darkened (I contributed to this somewhat by being remote and not giving her the effusive expressions of love that she was asking for (and he was giving her at the same time w/o my knowledge). She said she wanted to dump me around March 25. Her and I had an intense discussion after that and agreed to meet because I had a break the middle of April. We got along reasonably well, but I got a look at her laptop and discovered that he was IMing her "I love you, miss you etc."

Thereafter I started the investigation and began considering what to do. She says she also told him to back off. She says they met briefly on April 12 (before we met on my break) and April 29 (after my break), no sex. OMW says there was more but has not shared any evidence of that with me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Alert your sons about this so they knw the score.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Alert your sons about this so they knw the score.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I do not wish to get kids involved. Right now, I am going the divorce route and the concubines in Thailand or Brasil.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

I'd seriously consider Cambodia ahead of Thailand. Everything is so much less expensive along with a real Wild West atmosphere; an ideal place for the newly single. Unless of course you love beaches too; in that case try the Philippines.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No not the Phillipines. I was in the SeaBees stationed at Subic Bay Naval Station right after we gave it back to them, and I hung out with some Filipinas. Nice looking ladies, but all they wanted was money.... money, money, money. Creeped me out. I dunno, maybe things have changed since the '80s. 

Now Gabriel and Dalvin will converge to kick my a*s.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> No not the Phillipines. I was in the SeaBees stationed at Subic Bay Naval Station right after we gave it back to them, and I hung out with some Filipinas. Nice looking ladies, but all they wanted was money.... money, money, money. Creeped me out. I dunno, maybe things have changed since the '80s.
> 
> Now Gabriel and Dalvin will converge to kick my a*s.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The idea is freedom and flexibility. Not to get attached until I know she's honest and devoted. Sri Lanka, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Malaysia and Indonesia are other possibilities.

I am looking for a 35 year old woman with a uni degree.


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## onthefence210 (Apr 29, 2012)

Ok I'm confused. You have cheated in the past. Now your the betrayed looking to end ur marriage due to her EA/PA and discussing the freedom and flexibility of starting a new relationship when u have yet to figure out if you're staying in the one you are bound to legally. And the men on here are encouraging it. Wow...double standard if I'd say so. How bout this...finish up the one you've got. Take a hard look at your short comings so that you don't end up being in a relationship where cheating is a possibility. It amazes me how people treat cheating so differently if it's the woman cheating. I have been on both sides and came to this forum to get some advice from people who have experienced it whether they were on the giving or receiving end of it. I am looking to better myself so that I never end up in a relationship as I have had. Martin you don't need a gf...you need to get your head out of the sandbox and take a hard look in the mirror if you think some 35 yo is going to make it all better. Shame on you and for those who are encouraging you.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

onthefence210 said:


> Ok I'm confused. You have cheated in the past. Now your the betrayed looking to end ur marriage due to her EA/PA and discussing the freedom and flexibility of starting a new relationship when u have yet to figure out if you're staying in the one you are bound to legally. And the men on here are encouraging it. Wow...double standard if I'd say so. How bout this...finish up the one you've got. Take a hard look at your short comings so that you don't end up being in a relationship where cheating is a possibility. It amazes me how people treat cheating so differently if it's the woman cheating. I have been on both sides and came to this forum to get some advice from people who have experienced it whether they were on the giving or receiving end of it. I am looking to better myself so that I never end up in a relationship as I have had. Martin you don't need a gf...you need to get your head out of the sandbox and take a hard look in the mirror if you think some 35 yo is going to make it all better. Shame on you and for those who are encouraging you.


Onthefence, Lighten up!

Most of the betrayed guys here would give their right arm to have things the way they used to be. Joking about their new found freedom is just a method of coping with a very sad situation. (And I really don't see any double standard -- I've seen ladies make similar comments.)


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## onthefence210 (Apr 29, 2012)

I am sorry if I generalized... Just didn't seem stroking this mans ego and making light of a very sad situation to be appropriate seeing he is not even a week since discovery. Coping would be to deal with the situation at hand, not dry humping this mans leg to make him feel better. As we all kno...that's only temporary. Joke about this when he has a handle on what he's doing. I do appreciate all ur posts...most are great advice.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

onthefence210 said:


> I am sorry if I generalized... Just didn't seem stroking this mans ego and making light of a very sad situation to be appropriate seeing he is not even a week since discovery. Coping would be to deal with the situation at hand, not dry humping this mans leg to make him feel better. As we all kno...that's only temporary. Joke about this when he has a handle on what he's doing. I do appreciate all ur posts...most are great advice.


I have gone back and forth on what I want to do. I thought I would be OK with her sending a no contact email to OM and would be able to reconcile, but now I feel like it's over because her and OM were making plans behind my back.

Now I feel he's welcome to her as long as I get my share of the assets so I can retire comfortably. Many guys I work with have been through this before and now have the younger second wife or girlfriend.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Martin, I find your attitude refreshing.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Martin, I find your attitude refreshing.


Nowadays, with worldwide internet dating sites and social media profiles, you can pretty much find a woman on your specifications.

She wanted to dump me for an older guy. 

Why not take the opportunity to turn it around and trade her in for a younger, still-fertile and more agreeable woman of my preferences?


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

She said she "did not have intercourse."

That is very Clintonesque.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Then file. But you need to talk with your sons and tell them why this has happened. You don't need to go into all the destials, but tell them your wife has been secretly tslking with and meeting this O
M. That he is getting divorced now and the realtionship he has with him is unacceptable for a wife to have with another man.

Tell them this regardless of R or D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Martin12 said:


> She said she "did not have intercourse."
> 
> That is very Clintonesque.


It is also a bald faced lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> It is also a bald faced lie.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Strangely enough, after a long talk with her today on Skype, I'm moving back to reconciling with her. What a roller-coaster!!

She still denies sex with him, but I have no doubt it is over now because of the drama and disruption I created by calling OMW.

Thanks to this place for guiding me in that direction.

Since I cheated on her a few times years ago, I'll let it go no matter what happened. After all, this was not some random guy she met, but a long-lost love from her youth. I know that there are powerful feelings from that. If she had a little diddle, it's not the end of the world for me. But I now understand how she felt when I cheated, in that way this has made the relationship stronger.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Martin12 said:


> Strangely enough, after a long talk with her today on Skype, I'm moving back to reconciling with her. What a roller-coaster!!
> 
> She still denies sex with him, but I have no doubt it is over now because of the drama and disruption I created by calling OMW.
> 
> ...


Sorry, but is not over until it's over. Trust but verify, and that is why you need to tell your boys. So they can be your eyes and ears at home and defend your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Give another shot at asking OMW to her evidence.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I dunno....

You need to figure out how to work closer to home or move her to where you are, and the two of you need to get into some form of counseling. 

Or...

If the two of you cannot be more devoted to monogamy (which I think is the case here) then you either need to split up or figure out some sort of open marriage arrangement. I don't promote open marriages, but these are the only two options I can think of. 

Your marriage as it is now seems nothing more than a business partnership.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I dunno....
> 
> You need to figure out how to work closer to home or move her to where you are, and the two of you need to get into some form of counseling.
> 
> ...


Yesterday, I turned down another contract here, one that would have extended my stay for a long time. I think I will only take short-term jobs away after this one is over in six months.

She's been very devoted to monogamy in the past, I was the naughty one. 

We still have great sex and arguments over dumb things, so it's a lot more than a business partnership. The passion is still there - when we're together. What I need to do is ramp up the communication while I'm away.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You need to change something, because what you have now isn't working. I know its hard to give up good money like that, but you have to ask yourself what is more important: your marriage or the paycheck. 

Just reading the way you write, you seem to have a nonchalant attitude towards this whole event. Do you feel like you deserved her cheating on you since you've been unfaithful in the past? I just don't see the rage in you that we see with most betrayed spouses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You need to change something, because what you have now isn't working. I know its hard to give up good money like that, but you have to ask yourself what is more important: your marriage or the paycheck.
> 
> Just reading the way you write, you seem to have a nonchalant attitude towards this whole event. Do you feel like you deserved her cheating on you since you've been unfaithful in the past? I just don't see the rage in you that we see with most betrayed spouses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should have seen me last night, I was pretty angry while sharing a few bottles of wine with some co-workers. Then I called her and ripped into her and said it was over.

Then I woke up with a hangover (Friday is a day off here), spent hours thinking about it, realized I'd rather stay with her than live with a harem of Thai, Brazilian, and Ethiopian women.

I don't think I "deserved" her meeting her old BF, but my cheating put things in perspective. The troubling difference is that men can have affairs just for the sex; for women it's rarely just about sex. But she does like sex and between that and my emotional and physical distance and her need for deserved affection, things can happen.

I talked to her today and she was happy to hear from me despite the bitter comments I made. It was really a revelation; almost like the relationship is reborn.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Can you fly home for a week and hash it out with her?

If you can, you need to get her to come clean on the extent of the affair. 

You seem to be a smart and experienced guy. Let me ask you, if you had access to a lonely attractive married woman whose husband was in another country, would you stop at just coffee talk?

Come on....:bsflag:


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Can you fly home for a week and hash it out with her?
> 
> If you can, you need to get her to come clean on the extent of the affair.
> 
> ...


Of course I wouldn't stop at coffee - I'd use every pick-up skill I'd ever learned. Because of her cultural and religious background, she would be a little tough to crack, it would be a contest between that and her high emotional and sexual needs. God bless her, she's always wet.

She still denies any sexual contact, only admitting to meetings in public. She says she was disappointed in his appearance, but that it was like they had picked up the conversation from 34 years ago.

I am working with OMW to find out the extent of the affair, eventually I will find out.

It's tough for me to leave right now, plus she is working and could not take time off, so it would be a long trip for only the benefit of being able to fully read her face when we talked. We are doing Skype often now.

Right now, I think she has made her choice. And she chooses me. He's blocked on Skype and Facebook and she sent the NC email.

All I really need is the whole truth, which I do not believe I have for a number of reasons, including OMW strong belief. Also, I am just jaded and kinky enough to be a little turned on by the idea of her getting it on.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

OK, now I've found out that some of the things she said are not true with regard to the date she met him and the length of the meeting.

She confessed to kissing him in a car, but said it wasn't particularly passionate. No tongue action.

We are not talking about teenagers here, the OM is 63, she is 57, I am 56.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

They did more than kiss. Teenagers don't even just kiss. They met up because they wherein love. You know they did more. Have her take a polygraph.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> They did more than kiss. Teenagers don't even just kiss. They met up because they wherein love. You know they did more. Have her take a polygraph.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would put it at 75% she's telling the truth, 25% they went all of the way. This is a woman with strong cultural inhibitions against jumping into bed right away, especially while still married.

From what she says, his libido might not have been that strong.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Martin12 said:


> I would put it at 75% she's telling the truth, 25% they went all of the way. This is a woman with strong cultural inhibitions against jumping into bed right away, especially while still married.
> 
> From what she says, his libido might not have been that strong.


Her strong cultural inhibitions didnt stop her from having an EA or meeting up with etc. and there is a range of activities between kiss and all the way, all of which are cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> I would put it at 75% she's telling the truth, 25% they went all of the way. This is a woman with strong cultural inhibitions against jumping into bed right away, especially while still married.
> 
> From what she says, his libido might not have been that strong.


Really. And him not be able to perform is not a problem to you. The mind said yes -- but the body said no. Next time he may have some medical assistance for that issue to disappear -- and what will she say then ?? Good luck !!


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

jh52 said:


> Really. And him not be able to perform is not a problem to you. The mind said yes -- but the body said no. Next time he may have some medical assistance for that issue to disappear -- and what will she say then ?? Good luck !!


I don't think there's going to be a next time, she's sent him the NC email and blocked him. It's not impossible, but unlikely. He just not that hot and irresistible, not like 34 years ago


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Her strong cultural inhibitions didnt stop her from having an EA or meeting up with etc. and there is a range of activities between kiss and all the way, all of which are cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Uh, oh, I just got some info from OMW that raises the chance that they got it on to close to 100%.

One hundred percent being the video.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What are you going to do? Can you live with this? I am sorry that your wife has manipulated and lied to you this way. She has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well now you know that she has lied to you every step of the way. And continues to it.

She must think your an idiot for beliving what she knows are blatant lies.

Want to bet it isn't over either? I bet that's a lie too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

What exactly did she say?


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

keko said:


> What exactly did she say?


Told me about credit card charges for a hotel and dinner for at least 2 by her husband on a date and time where my wife had said she was there "staying with a (female) friend" on March 31

I also got into some of their old emails, but only until March 18.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Can you get a proof of those?

This is so messed up.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I suspect a polygraph will be due when you arrive home. In between now and then bluff and imply the OM through her under the bus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> I suspect a polygraph will be due when you arrive home. In between now and then bluff and imply the OM though her under the bus.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe. That would be intense, hiring someone to give her a poly.

The thing is, it would not be the biggest thing if she has done him, I just don't like the lying. She has been lying and giving me trickle truth and I am going nuts digging for info over here and with OMW.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Martin12 said:


> Maybe. That would be intense, hiring someone to give her a poly.
> 
> The thing is, it would not be the biggest thing if she has done him, I just don't like the lying. She has been lying and giving me trickle truth and I am going nuts digging for info over here and with OMW.


Unfortunately it is the cheaters way to admit only to what they have been caught out on. Their policy is to lie until they die. It is this lying that hurts and eventually you either accept it or take her for a poly. The threat of a Poly's often cause a pre test epiphany sometimes in the car park moments before the tests starts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Well now you know that she has lied to you every step of the way. And continues to it.
> 
> She must think your an idiot for beliving what she knows are blatant lies.
> 
> ...


I know, he called her last night and this morning.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

so much for no contact. 

I wouldnt believe another word out of her mouth, its been lies from here on out as you are still on the rollercoaster ride going down fast.

You have given her the benefit of the doubt through this whole thread and it has cost you dearly. What are your plans now?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

At this point, what is the point of confusing the battle? 

You have a sex video of her cheating.
You can see credit card charges of her meeting up with him.
She is still actively talking with him.
He is getting divorced and will be free to hookup whenever.
I believe she s planning on leaving you for him. She is just waiting until she is ready. Right now you are far away and she can and is contacting and meeting up whenever she wants because you aren't able to do anything.about it.

I would say your marriage is over and done.

I would take a family leave of absence if you could and go home to visit a lawyer and secure your possessions. Tell her she's done with you and she should just move out if she wants him so badly..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> so much for no contact.
> 
> I wouldnt believe another word out of her mouth, its been lies from here on out as you are still on the rollercoaster ride going down fast.
> 
> You have given her the benefit of the doubt through this whole thread and it has cost you dearly. What are your plans now?





Shaggy said:


> At this point, what is the point of confusing the battle?
> 
> You have a sex video of her cheating.
> You can see credit card charges of her meeting up with him.
> ...


First, there was no sex video - I just said that a sex video would be 100% proof, and I did not have 100% proof.

My heart is pounding as I'm writing this, it's been pounding all day and almost all last night. I only slept a couple of hours, but have been jacked up all day on adrenaline.

Some crazy stuff happened yesterday. At the time of the NC email (May 3), she gave me her email passwords. I spent a lot of time going though her emails yesterday and found an address for an anonymous email address I knew she had used. I was able to reset the password for that through her primary email address and, bingo! -- she had forwarded a whole series of emails between them in March. 

These emails were shocking in the growing intimacy, quickly leading to professions of love. It also hurt that I was somewhat unfavorably mentioned a couple of times. It will take me awhile to get over these.

I thought the emails were incredibly emotionally manipulative and needy from his end, but she responded to them while at the same time I was wondering why she was talking about dumping me for not being "loving" enough.

Also, through our telcom account, I saw that he called her on our landline on Saturday night. 

I called her and then got her and him on a conference call and she told him not to contact her. He said he would not contact her, but was always willing to be contacted by her. That drove me even more ballistic.

She said they were making out in a car for awhile, but no sex.

I contacted a couple of his adult children and told them that their father was cheating on their mother. This got me a sympathetic response from one of his sons and an angry response from OMW, who told me to stop "harassment." So I guess I blew it with OMW as a source of info by getting the kids involved, but I needed to inflict some pain on him. I did cue her into the fact that OM had told my wife about a recent affair he had in one of his emails to her, though. 

So, I hope I disrupted the affair.

Now, my wife tells me she's glad it's over, acknowledges that he was manipulating her (and was also a big cheater on his wife) and says she is relieved and glad I fought for her. She (and him) deny having sex - there was at least one good opportunity on March 31.

I think reading the emails was worse than watching a video of her getting it on with a young stud for sex would have been (I am a little pervy, I guess)

I will probably go home soon for awhile, but it will take me awhile to get over this. I think we can get over it. I have a bit of a thick skin and actually learned some things about her from the emails. There is no point in me trying to distinguish my past cheating (90% for sexual thrills) and her emotional attachment to this guy. 

We shall see. I just wish my heart rate would go down.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

They had sex. They met in an hotel. The only reason married people meet in the hotels is to have sex. If they wanted to just hang out, there are tons of more affordable and convenient places.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Make sure you copy the emails to a safe account. Do not tell her you know this account if you can avoid it. 

Look. They had sex, they met at a hotel which btw your wife appears to still deny. But you have the receipts.

I can see the OMW being upset over you contacting her kids. I agree with you having done it, but I can see her position.

Your wife is still lyng to you. She didn't give up all her email accounts at all. She hasn't come clean about the affair. And she didn't tell you immediately that he contacted her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

snap said:


> They had sex. They met in an hotel. The only reason married people meet in the hotels is to have sex. If they wanted to just hang out, there are tons of more affordable and convenient places.


Sure, I can assume that. That would not be as bad as the emails anyways. If there's one thing I can understand and forgive it's mindless animal passion. 

She says they didn't meet in the hotel, they had dinner (I know, first it was "coffee"). He was there because it was halfway between her house and his business office (2hr drive either way) and she was meeting a depressed widow old friend in the same town. A bit "convenient" to be sure.

She says she's so relieved that she didn't have sex - it was their first meeting and she would never have sex on a "first date" (this I actually kind of believe given her ethnic and cultural background) so she stayed at the friend's house.

Oh, one odd thing was that she had done google searches almost as soon as she got home after seeing him for "erectile dysfunction" and "prostrate cancer" - when I confronted her about this she said it was the result of an older female friend talking about her new boyfriend and asking for information and advice. Hmmm.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I kind of agree with you that the substance of her e-mails to him were more hurtful than any potential sexual encounter they may have had.

I read my ex's e-mails to her lover, and just as in your case they started off innocent but over time developed into full on x-rated sex talk. Eventually she did have sex with him after I confronted her about the e-mails, but the e-mails damaged me worse than her PA did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I kind of agree with you that the substance of her e-mails to him were more hurtful than any potential sexual encounter they may have had.
> 
> I read my ex's e-mails to her lover, and just as in your case they started off innocent but over time developed into full on x-rated sex talk. Eventually she did have sex with him after I confronted her about the e-mails, but the e-mails damaged me worse than her PA did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bandit, I know what you mean about the damage from reading the emails. The night of dday I went to my business and spent the entire night reading all 200+ pages of explicit communications between the ex and OM. I read things that no husband should ever have to read -- it was like watching a slow motion train wreck but not being able to look away.

The worst part was that the OM liked to write stories about what he was going to do to my ex -- and she encouraged this by asking him to 'write her a story.' I have to say he had a pretty good imagination. He could always get a job writing porn pulp fiction.

Anyway, I gotta stop now. Starting to trigger.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Martin12 said:


> She says they didn't meet in the hotel, they had dinner (I know, first it was "coffee"). He was there because it was halfway between her house and his business office (2hr drive either way) and she was meeting a depressed widow old friend in the same town. A bit "convenient" to be sure.
> 
> She says she's so relieved that she didn't have sex - it was their first meeting and she would never have sex on a "first date" (this I actually kind of believe given her ethnic and cultural background) so she stayed at the friend's house.
> 
> Oh, one odd thing was that she had done google searches almost as soon as she got home after seeing him for "erectile dysfunction" and "prostrate cancer" - when I confronted her about this she said it was the result of an older female friend talking about her new boyfriend and asking for information and advice. Hmmm.


You wife is full of bull and its starting to smell, she knows it, you know it , we know it .

So long as she continues to lie turn the screws tighter and tighter.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I kind of agree with you that the substance of her e-mails to him were more hurtful than any potential sexual encounter they may have had.
> 
> I read my ex's e-mails to her lover, and just as in your case they started off innocent but over time developed into full on x-rated sex talk. Eventually she did have sex with him after I confronted her about the e-mails, but the e-mails damaged me worse than her PA did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was shocking how quickly they progressed from "what have you been doing the last 32 years" to "my heart is aching for you" - 12 days. The problem is that there are a bunch of emails from that date, to the day they met another 12 days later, that are gone.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well they already had a history, so they were dredging up old feelings instead of creating new ones. 

This is what makes emotional affairs so deadly: they accelerate like primer cord once they take hold. 

I don't know if your wife and him had sex or not, but you know they would have had you not caught it sooner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> Oh, one odd thing was that she had done google searches almost as soon as she got home after seeing him for "erectile dysfunction" and "prostrate cancer" - when I confronted her about this she said it was the result of an older female friend talking about her new boyfriend and asking for information and advice. Hmmm.


So from what I understand they met at a hotel to hook up but the OM had ED/other problems and she was dissapointed in him, she came back to see if there was any temporary fix to it(google searches) but you caught them before they can give it another shot. Am I right?


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> It was shocking how quickly they progressed from "what have you been doing the last 32 years" to "my heart is aching for you" - 12 days. The problem is that there are a bunch of emails from that date, to the day they met another 12 days later, that are gone.


Wow, I don't know what to say. Seen a couple of guys lose their minds in the sand pits, because of a WW. 

Stay strong, know that you will never get the complete truth!!!!!!!!!!!!! Resign yourself to that, and that at this point you have little control over the situation. Stay busy, if there is a gym go there. If there are people selling special supplements over there, you might want to think about those too. Whatever keeps you sane my friend. Good luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are in denial about the whole thing. Her ethnic background is working in her favor. So I guess women don't cheat in her country.../sarcasm

The time she spent and the things she must have seen in this country could have easily changed her..


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Vanton68 said:


> Wow, I don't know what to say. Seen a couple of guys lose their minds in the sand pits, because of a WW.
> 
> Stay strong, know that you will never get the complete truth!!!!!!!!!!!!! Resign yourself to that, and that at this point you have little control over the situation. Stay busy, if there is a gym go there. If there are people selling special supplements over there, you might want to think about those too. Whatever keeps you sane my friend. Good luck.


Thanks. I have a lot more information now and will be meeting her soon. Since in an earlier stage of revelation and discussion with her, I showed her this post, so I won't say much now. Let's just say the evidence that they were getting in on is overwhelming. I exercise a lot here.



warlock07 said:


> You are in denial about the whole thing. Her ethnic background is working in her favor. So I guess women don't cheat in her country.../sarcasm
> 
> The time she spent and the things she must have seen in this country could have easily changed her..


I was in denial, and she used her origins to gaslight me, "Do you think that someone like me could ." etc.

I still intend to reconcile with her, if I get something like the truth. I will post a full update after I see her as a new topic.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

good luck with that, she seems like an untruthful person who will just tell you what you want to hear, then you leave and she is back to being herself, I mean her new self, the changed one that forgot about her ethnic background as you give her so much credit for.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Martin, 

Any update?


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Martin,
> 
> Any update?


Update is here.



.


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