# Too critical?



## Mister Googlepants

Hello good people, if you could spare a thought on this matter I would be very appreciative.

I tend to be critical of my wife. Let me start my saying that she is a good person; loyal, loving, creative, and kind. On the other hand, she lacks discipline and is incredibly slow to do anything. I try to be patient, but eventually, and regularly I find myself so flabbergasted that my mood changes, and we end up in the same conversation where I express my disapointment that she can't help more and she gets hurt and upset. 

A brief overview: I work full time and overtime so we can get by. I serve on the board of our kids' school, I perform many of the household jobs (cooking, taking care of the kids, etc.), do all the finances, etc. etc. She is a stay at home mom. I have great deal of respect for what this entails. In reality, however, she doesn't seem to do much. The house is always a mess, when I don't get home early, she gets our son to bed hours late, dinner is rarely cooked, laundry is overflowing... all the perceptible cues of doing things consistently say no, she hasn't done anything. She tells me she has been busy all day. Times when I stay home, I see that she doesn't do much before the mid-afternoon. Whenever we go somewhere, she makes us all significantly late. When people come to visit us, they tell me I am the most patient man in the world. It has come to the point where I'm questioning reality. She has normalized her way of living, and is very hurt when I express my frustration - and she makes very little (noticeable) effort to change. Do I just accept her as this, and continue to push myself to the brink of collapse to keep our family in order? If so, how do I let go of this regular cycle of disapointment and criticism?


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## yours4ever

try noticing the small stuff she did right, tell her you noticed. Reward her. Give her a small request. Repeat. See how it goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl

yours4ever said:


> try noticing the small stuff she did right, tell her you noticed. Reward her. Give her a small request. Repeat. See how it goes.
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> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Totally agree....sometimes the smallest compliments or recognition means the most.


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## ginger-snap

Are your kids still young/little/not in school? How many kids? If so, just chasing after little ones all day can be exhausting (from what I've heard/witnessed since I don't have any). If not, well, I'm not sure what to say then. Does she run a lot of errands keeping her from doing housework? I am not a very organized person and I often find myself avoiding housework by running endless errands after work or on weekends. But, I do keep up with the laundry.


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## unbelievable

If she's making no discernible effort to improve, she's not all that upset about your criticism. Even with kids, there's time to throw laundry into a machine. It's not like she boils it in a cauldron in the front yard or beats it against a rock in the creek. I've been a single parent of small kids and life didn't stop until they were in school. 
If the criticism isn't working for you, there's no point in continuing that action plan. Who's idea was it for her to be a stay-at-home mother? How was her work-ethic and energy level before she became a mother? If she was sort of a lazy slob before she became a mother, the problem probably isn't the kids. If she was high energy before childbirth and seems to have no energy, now, the kids could be more work than you realize or she may have depression.


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## Wiserforit

Mister Googlepants said:


> Do I just accept her as this,


You already have. 

You have a lazy spouse that hasn't had any meaningful consequences. She lies to your face. Busy all day? With what?

It's interesting to frame this as you being too critical as opposed to your wife being a bum. You also put forward all of her "good" qualities first as opposed to how she is dead weight insofar as the family is concerned. 

You need to stop enabling.


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## MattMatt

This sounds like me. My wife has helped me to improve over the years. She believes it ismy ADHD and several other problems.


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## TCSRedhead

Can the two of you sit down and talk about expectations and responsibilities? List out all the household things that need to be done and determine who should do them and when? 

Sometimes it's easy to build resentment when the solution is simpler than we think. Communication plays a big part in solving these types of issues.


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## Thebes

I would stop pushing myself to the point of exhaustion and stop doing laundry except my own or the kids. Let hers pile up.

Yes small children can be a lot of work but you can still find time to do some things especially when they are in school.


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## Bobby5000

Before you criticize provide a lot of compliments. You may be that high achiever who is difficult to duplicate. If you have a few well-put suggestions, make them. Maybe it would make sense for you to quit your job on the board, and you can help her a little more. for you to be helping others and putting more pressure on your wife does not make sense.


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## LoveBeingFemale

I love the threads on stay-at-home moms because I am one. You didn't mention how old you or your wife are, and you didn't mention how old your child/ren are? My husband and I have four children, all school age, and I don't have time to turn around. Between laundry, cooking, picking up around the house, getting the kids to school, picking the kids up from school, helping with homework, doctor appointments, paying bills, filling out paperwork that continually comes into the house, filing paperwork, yard work, running errands, grocery shopping, banking, exercising, etc., etc., the list is endless. I wish my house was spotless, I really do, but it's not. Do you have a really young child? Maybe she so dotes on your children that the housework, etc., comes second. Does your wife help take care of aging parents, in-laws, siblings? Listening to people say stay-at-home moms have nothing to do all day makes me cringe.


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