# new to the forum... please help!



## sparrow (Mar 16, 2009)

hi, im sparrow,

my husband of 2 years and i just split up about 3 weeks ago, and im having a very hard time coping. the general reason for our splitup was because of fundamental differences in lifestyle. he is a super clean freak and i am... well, not. we have 2 kids, both under 5, and its been a struggle for me to live up to his expectations as a wife and mother, our daughter has had big behavior issues, regarding past abuse by her father(not my husband). but in general, i felt like we had a happy family. my husband and i are great friends, and that is one of the reasons i love him so much, because more than a husband, he is my best friend. 

i want to work on saving the marriage, as does he, but he keeps saying that although he misses me very much, he is much happier in his own home now, because he can have it as clean as he wants, and my temper problems about the issue are not around. we are going to marriage counselling, for the first time today, but im very concerned about whether or not its going to work out or not. im heartbroken to feel that im losing my husband, and very angry at myself and him for the entire situation. any advice?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sparrow-

I get the feeling this is an almost un-conquerable situation.

If he is clean to the point of OCD, he will only be able to let go for short periods, before reverting to type. He will be a rock against which you will be perpetually banging your head.

Perhaps he has let you off the hook. Men are seldom very flexible when they have a bad habit. And yes putting cleanliness above all else is a bad habit. To him it is non-negotiable, so you will always be arguing unless you are prepared to knuckle down to his regime. 

The trouble is, if he has OCD, it will probably get worse over time, unless he is willing to tackle it. OCD people seldom like to tackle anything - I have a very mild touch of it, so I can empathise (though it's not about being clean and tidy, it's more about checking things are done right). However, I allow my wife to challenge me, and that keeps me down to earth. The latest thinking on the subject says that people with OCD should play with their (OCD) boundaries and accept challenges, becuase that constantly proves to them that most of their fears are unfounded.

If he won't play in this way, you are in for a hard life.


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## sparrow (Mar 16, 2009)

thank you for the reply!

im not so sure its OCD, persay, because even he admits he cant live up to his desired standards. we just have different ideas of what a "clean house" is. 

however, we have done some talking, and ive realized that i have been rather slobby in the past, and not really put much effort into keeping up the house, on my part. he is by no means opposed to cleaning as well, i just feel that he wants the house overly clean, especially with 2 small kids running around nonstop. 

i wonder... do i need to put more effort in, and compromise more, or does he need to accept me for who i am, regardless of mess?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

OCD people tend to like things done in a certain way, and it often makes no sense. My OCD friend is over hygienic, yet if he drops food on the floor, he can pick it up and still eat it.

The other thing to look out for is ritual.


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