# Dating before divorce?



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Not sure who has been in this position. We have been "separated" since Jan. He's been out of the house since April.

I have some friends who have a friend that is also going through a divorce ( she told him she didn't love him, was just a friend to her).

So me and him have been talking for a week. I met him last night, and we are to go out as just a group of friends the week or 2 after superbowl. It won't be a 1 on 1 date. 

My divorce is Feb 22nd.

We have talked on taking things slow and hanging out as friends for a while, even though there is attraction on both sides.

I told them that I still have a ways to go in counseling dealing with my DV, that I didn't feel I could go into it totally "healthy" without it. And didn't want to just "jump in" to a relationship for wrong reasons, and without clear judgement and feelings.

Does this sound reasonable? Or should I not even be talking to him at this point? Opinions?


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

It is totally up to you and how you feel. Maybe this is something you should bring up in therapy.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sounds reasonable to me,plus he's going through his own divorce so maybe you don't know him well enough yet to know where his thinking is really at...I'm sure he must have taken a real blow to his ego from what his wife told him.Keep the pressure off for a bit and enjoy one another's company without immediate expectations and see how you feel.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I say go for it. Whatever you're comfortable with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

First of all, make sure it will not effect the outcome of your divorce.

WAW told me she wasn't happy after 22 years of marriage. Separated but not divorced yet with no paperwork filed, no kids. My intention was to win her back. Working on myself, losing weight, getting right in the head with IC, joined a church, whitening my teeth, grew my hair out and cut way back on a hefty drinking habit.

To press the issue, I told WAW that she should see other people if I am not the one to make her happy. By luck or providence, I met someone at a concert that night and we have been together ever since. Many here will tell you that you need to get your head and heart right before seeing other people and I agree that you need to be in some place where you have to accept that your marriage might be over. I was extremely lucky to find a woman that was also separated and realistic about our relationship.

My marriage is now over and that is ok with me even though I still struggle with the loss of what I thought was a love that could endure a lifetime. As I have noted here before, I am happy to have happiness in my life and to put the paralyzing pain behind me.

Whatever you decide for yourself will be right for you. Be honest, work on yourself and don't be afraid to allow yourself to be happy again.

Good luck, 
Stretch


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Thank you for the responses. This is how I felt, yet I almost had a melt down after I first met him, I started doubting "if he liked me", "if I was pretty or skinny enough", I started thinking he should be wanting to talk all the time...

I talked to my friend about my anxiety, and she calmed me down. I know my reaction was due to my emotional abuse. My self esteem is still faulty. I was used to someone having to keep contact with me all the time.

Yet,,,,, I do understand that it is "just friends" for now... we are not "dating", I need to just go out with a group of friends and enjoy myself. getting to know him and myself better... If something comes out if it later, so be it.

No expectations, whatever happens, or doesn't happen, happens for a reason.


----------



## alphabravo (Feb 4, 2013)

Have you asked yourself if your own inner self image has healed enough so that you are able to FULLY be a contributing individual in case you date?

If not, then you are just bound to make the same mistakes that caused you to get divorced in the first place.

This is your time, your phase to test the waters and date as much as you want. But please....don't make the mistake of being lazy and marrying the first guy who comes along. Huge mistake.

There is a book out there about the stages of divorce. Forget the name but its purple. Pick it up!


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I think me being able to take that step back, after the anxiety is a plus. I am a lot more casual with our conversations, and don't "expect" him to contact me, or respond right away. 

I don't think I am "fully" ready for commitment so soon, and he isn't either. That's why we agreed to only go out with a group right now to get to know each other. No alone 1 on 1 time..

I definitely don't want to throw sex in the mix either... that complicates things too much. 

I have a long journey ahead, healing from narcissistic abuse and being cheated on. But I am learning how to take baby steps... 

I no longer am going to let my STBEXH control me when we are not even together. I am going to have fun,,, safe fun.


----------

