# I woke up to a stranger



## Lostnlife (Jul 31, 2015)

I have known my husband my entire life. We have only been together 8 years and married for 4 years. I am 31 and he is 37. We had nearly a picture perfect relationship. In the first 7 years we had been together, I could count on one hand how many disagreements we had. (we never fought) we complimented each other well and were best friends that fell head over heels in love. We have 2 children, one is 9 and from a previous relationship of his and the other is 3, our child we had together. When I became pregnant, I gained 92lbs, my husband told me he loves me every day, but would not touch me. I spent nearly 1.5 years crying bc I thought that my weight had ruined my perfect marriage. I went to him during this time and asked why....his response...."I'm just not feeling it" After I had my son, I breastfed and could not lose any weight while I breastfed. (other than the weight lost in the hospital, which was 20lbs) I weened him at 7 months, and within 7 more months I dropped all my baby weight. And poof, he can't keep his hands off me. Although, I was relieved to have his attention again, my trust was shaken. I began asking myself, how could a man that couldn't and wouldn't go one week without sex go Two years and only have sec twice??? I didn't dig or investigate, I looked at it 2 ways: 1. I gained an enormous amount of weight (it's my fault) and 2. If he had cheated on me, I wasn't going to leave, he is the father of my child

Fast forward two years later:
My husband has had heart problems since he was a young boy and it landed him in the hospital. He is a small business owner and i was a stay at home mom since my son was born, he was just over 2 years old when my husband went into AFIB. (up until my son was born I worked retail full time) We only had private insurance and it didn't cover much. I knew I had to go back to work so my husband could get the best healthcare. I accepted another job in retail working and average of 55-60 hours per week. After 28 months of staying home, I was back at it again. With 2 kids, 2 full-time jobs, a house full of chores and health issues, you can guess what I didn't feel like doing. At first I didn't think much of it. He had always accused me of cheating (i never have) but now it was once a month. He would not help me with house chores at all. So I worked all day and sometimes night, came home to an extremely messy house and accusations of being unfaithful. Before I knew it, we had a major fight....he is putting holes in walls, destroying furniture, ripping off curtains and saying ugly and nasty things to me....I couldn't believe this man, he had once been the sweetest, kindest, most loving and patient man that I had ever met....this fight was in 2014. I thought maybe he is having a hard time adjusting and over time everything will work out....I couldn't have been more wrong. The erratic behavior worsened, the destructive behavior continues and the nasty comments continued. And I of course was not wanting to have sex anymore. He now bullied me into it, saying if he doesn't have sex, the mean behavior will get worse.....I have never felt so violated and scared in my life. I cannot talk to him, when I tell him he has hurt me, he denies everything and somehow blames me for everything. He of course only days and does these things behind closed doors, everyone else thinks he's the same wonderful man......we tried counseling, but he would just slam me and make it all about how I'm withholding sex and making him feel bad. Which is a lie, I wish I could still withhold it....but he controls everything, I can't leave the house by myself without being accused of cheating. He goes thru my phone, texts, emails, social media and call logs....I have no privacy. He moved me away from my family 7 years ago and my only friend lives on the other side of the country. In completely alienated and miserable. I keep hoping one day he will wake up and be the man I married and not this angry, mean, tempermental controlling man that has been sleeping next to me for the last year. Will I ever get my husband back?????


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I've been through something similar so I get it.

Can you clarify something? How long ago did you go back to work so that you were working full time and doing all/most of the household chores, childcare, etc?

It's highly unlikely you will get back the person you husband used to be. That person was front to cover up who he really is. What you are seeing now is the "real" him.

Has he ever hit you, pushed you, etc?

What percentage of your joint income do you earn?

Here is a book that I think would help you.


Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

You need to get help from an organization that helps victims of domestic abuse. And then you need to plan how to get away from him. It sounds pretty bad right now. And it's very likely to escalate over time.

You might want to do a google search on the "cycle of violence" or "cycle of abuse". See if you recognized the cycle.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

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It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 


Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:



your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.


Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 



Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 



Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 



Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


If you leave: 


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The post before this one is what is called an exit plan.

IT's hard to leave an abusive marriage and it is overwhelming. So it helps to have an exit plan and a safety plan.

IT's the steps you need to follow to get all the things done to be ready to leave and/or end the marriage.

You also need a safety plan... what will you do if he gets violent and you do not feel safe? 

Create a Domestic Violence Safety Plan


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## Lostnlife (Jul 31, 2015)

I have no access to his money and he has no access to mine. A had never hit me or pushed me.....he only acts with violence toward walls, doors, furniture etc. The behavior change started my 2nd week of traing....and has just gotten progressively worse. He wasn't always like this. He used to be so different


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## Lostnlife (Jul 31, 2015)

It was nearly one year ago that I from on everything. September will be one year. In March I asked him to help me, he does, it's very little but it's more than what he had done prior. He says that's his way of tending to my needs....making dinner for himself and the kids, either loading or in loading laundry or dishes (never all of it) laundry is always piled on dining room table for me to put away......I almost feel like he does it, so he can say he helps me and my needs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Before I head off to bed, there is one more thing I want to cover....

You say that he only does this behind closed doors. That's normal. Most abusers only abuse behind closed doors. 

Abuse is about control. He uses the anger and violence to control you. It's a very calculated way to behave. He's not out fo control when he's at home and being abusive. He's 100% in control and knows exactly what he is doing.

How do I know this? Because you said that no one else knows that he's abusive. He has 100% control over when and where he behaves this way.

If he was mentally out of control, he'd being acting like this is public and in situations where you were not present.

The best chance you have of getting this behavior to stop is to expose him. But how do you expose things that happen behind closed doors?

Well you get a VAR (voice activated recorder). You keep the record either on your (hidden) or somewhere in rooms where his outbursts occur so that the VAR pics up his outbursts. You just need to make very sure that you are not yelling, throwing things, etc. You keep a very clam voice and simply keep asking him to stop yelling, throwing, things, etc.

You can tell him that you are not interested in fighting so you will leave to let him calm down. Then go to another room with the children, close the door and lock it. If he follows you, bangs on the door, etc.. call 911. 

Some people use hidden cameras to get their proof. You can guy cameras hidden in book, light sockets, alarm clocks, and on and on. 

Then copy the recordings/videos to someplace safe.. like an online cloud storage account (dropbox.com)

Doing this will give you the evidence you need to defend yourself from him accusing you of making up abuse allegations.


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## Lostnlife (Jul 31, 2015)

I don't know, I have nowhere to go that's close. I'm away from any support system since my family and only friend are so far away


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lostnlife said:


> I have no access to his money and he has no access to mine. A had never hit me or pushed me.....he only acts with violence toward walls, doors, furniture etc.


OK, it's good that he has not put a hand on you yet.

All those things.. violence towards walls, etc, are domestic violence. The message is this time I'm hitting the walls. Next time it just might be you so you better do what I want.. or else. 

Take this very seriously ... the next level of escalation is for him to start hitting you.



Lostnlife said:


> The behavior change started my 2nd week of traing....and has just gotten progressively worse.


When was your second week of training? 



Lostnlife said:


> He wasn't always like this. He used to be so different


Up until your second week of training, did he do 50% of all housework , chores, childcare, etc? (While you were working)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lostnlife said:


> I have no access to his money and he has no access to mine.


But what percentage of your joint income do you earn? this is important.



Lostnlife said:


> and has just gotten progressively worse. He wasn't always like this. He used to be so different


How long ago did you go back to work?

Perhaps he felt in control until you went back to work. So he had no need to use violence to control you. 

But now that you are working.. he feels he needs violence to control you. I'm not surprised that he is escalating. It is to be expected. It will get worse.

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lostnlife said:


> It was nearly one year ago that I from on everything. September will be one year. In March I asked him to help me, he does, it's very little but it's more than what he had done prior. He says that's his way of tending to my needs....making dinner for himself and the kids, either loading or in loading laundry or dishes (never all of it) laundry is always piled on dining room table for me to put away......I almost feel like he does it, so he can say he helps me and my needs.


He's doing just enough so that he can say that he helps.

Helping does not work. Household chores, childcare, etc are as much his responsibility as they are yours. It's a form of abuse for him to expect you to work long hours and then to do the vast majority around the house and with the children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lostnlife said:


> I don't know, I have nowhere to go that's close. I'm away from any support system since my family and only friend are so far away


This is why you need to get in touch with an organization that helps victim of abuse. They can provide a lot of support to help you.

With his behavior, you should be able to have him removed from your home if you call 911 the next time he gets abusive. Having a VAR could give you solid evidence that you are not making things up.

Or the domestic abuse place might be able to help you find a place. 

Have you talked to any family & friends about this? If you can have just 1 or 2 people in your life who can give you support, it would really help.


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## Lostnlife (Jul 31, 2015)

before started my job (prior to my 22nd week of training) I did 100% of the house chores, except the yard work. I would say my income is probably 30% of our joint income


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## Lostnlife (Jul 31, 2015)

2Nd week*


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

The change does seem a bit too sudden and dramatic. He has health issues you mentioned. I'm wondering if something has gone wrong with his wiring. If there was any chance of getting him a brain scan, I'd suggest that, or at least asking a doctor. You don't have to ask your doctor while he is there, go in private. Go for a "check up", your husband doesn't need to know anything more than that. Tell the doctor everything. If they can't think of anything that might be wrong with his health to cause these changes, then they might be able to assist in other ways. You will need a support network and hopefully they'll have some information.


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

He sounds like someone who has suffered a mental breakdown and is highly agitated and anxious.

He needs treatment probably with medications.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

I have been there before.. I was once the same person as your husband, except me and the other girl weren't married. The first few years was the fairy tale relationship; no fights, my ex's friends jealous of us, the whole shabang. 

However, I had this inner demon inside of me. Ever since I was a kid, I use to get into nasty arguments with my mother (very verbal) and I use to fight with my brothers (very physical). When I was just starting to go out and mingle, I was very mean to girls (but for some reason, mean worked for sex reasons.) However, there is always that one girl/guy that comes through and sweeps you off your feet. I fell so hard in love with this girl, that I did a complete 180. Not on purpose or anything, the personality change was completely due to love. We never fought, argued, and I was the 'perfect' guy. We would have disagreements time to time but I was quick to apologize. 

But, stress IS the number 1 killer. When I would get stressed out, I became that little kid again who would scream mean things and fight. That inner demon was boiling throughout the relationship and then it hit rock bottom eventually. I tried to change and constantly worked on it but the minute she annoyed me or whatever, I'd snap again. We eventually broke it off because I was not the 'relationship' type and because I had "changed from the man that she loved who was sweet, etc". 

I partied hard afterwards. Got some help eventually. I saw a great counselor and I have been on zoloft which works wonders. I am currently dating again; however, I no longer let things boil. I communicate with my girl. Been with her for a few years now and I plan on marrying her soon.

My advice is if he is anything like me.. he needs to seek help before he hurts you or himself. If not and unless you see real positive changes of his attitude, it's time to wrap this one up. Some things are just too good to be true.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lostnlife ,

What have you done so far to build your support system and get away from your abusive husband?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Before I head off to bed, there is one more thing I want to cover....
> 
> You say that he only does this behind closed doors. That's normal. Most abusers only abuse behind closed doors.
> 
> ...


My ex abused behind closed door too. 

Same story . Outside world thinks i had a great husband .

Reading this explains it .

But take note n be careful

My ex did this to frame me 

He told me he will let me hit him back to release my anger so we can reconcile 

I did hit him . He secretly videod me in the act , filed police n medical report on me ! 

In divorce , he threatened me but thank god my kids witnessed n also he admitted to counsellor and a guy friend .

So i was cleared of that . Both can accused the other of physical abuse . Neither can i


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Yikes! This sounds really scary and you definitely need to leave this guy. Take Elegirl's advice!

I hope this isn't another Flowerchild Situation!


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