# Can I Trust Him Again?



## Zab (Jul 25, 2012)

This is my third year i my marriage with my husband. i still love him very much and admire him a lot. i believe that he's a man of integrity and he loves and take care of his family. we have a son now he's two years old and he's a happy child. he's also a very good father to our child and i could boldly say i am happily married.

:scratchhead: things started to be hectic at the beginning of this year. we didn't start off on the right foot. we had our ups and downs but more downs than ups. he started having insecurities because i was now working, sometimes i'd come late at home and i was being more financially independent. then again he started being controlling and wanting to control every aspect of my life, he wouldn't allow me to go anywhere unless i go with him. he wouldn't allow me to attend work related functions and even helping my family with finances sometimes when they need my help and a whole lot.

as a result i was unhappy because i felt like he was now locking me inside the cage and i can not do anything with my life. we talked about our issues and i told him exactly what makes me unhappy. he did try to work on improving certain things some took a while and some seemed like he's not even trying.

so most of the time we'll fight because of those things and it will get tense. right now as in this point in time we are fine, we manage to sort our differences. then last night he confessed that during some bad days when tension will last for days and we both were unhappy, he nearly cheated on me with his colleague. he once told me the story but didn't tell me the whole truth as to what really transpired. he told me that a certain girl at his work got angry with him because he was chating with another girl who was a new comer, but said he didn't know why she was acting like that.

now last night he decided to come clean and told me that he was tempted to propose love to that girl but then rebuked himself and stoped so by so doing he left every thing hanging, so that girl was upset. ok he decided to finally come clean about it but i feel that he did not come squickly clean, i feel he's still not telling the whole truth as to what really happened because some of the things in that story really don't make sense. to be honest i was shocked to learn that he nearly did something like that. i mean i trusted him, like 110% i didn't think even one day that he'll ever think of doing such a thing, even on my side, i do get angry with him but cheating on him has never ever crossed my mind not even once. ok he did a decent thing by telling me what had happened but i think it was much better if i didn't know. because now i can't trust him fully as i use to, he managed to rebuke himself this time and did nit go on with it but for how long though. if he can think about it and even attempt it once what will stop him next time? i feel like now every time we have an argument i'll have to watch my back because he might think about cheating again and actually do it for real this time. 

i think my trust levels have dropped from 110% to maybe 60/50%:scratchhead: i can't find a better way to look at this, is there any?


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

I would have a very difficult time trusting a person like that too. Marriage always comes with it's difficulties so it wouldn't be surprising if he goes down this route again.
And what guarantee do you have that he didn't cheat? Maybe he's just coming clean with part of it to relieve some of his guilt.

A lot of people will tell you that his suspicions about you are based on his own guilt. I would say there is a decent chance he's already cheated so if I were you I would try to find out the full truth.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

What do you mean when you say "he proposed love" to her? What does he say actually happened between the two of them?

I don't know what if anything happened between them physically but it is obviously an emotional affair that was taking place and that is not to be taken lightly. In some ways it is worse than a purely physical affair. It may have started as a flirtation that made him feel good but it obviously went too far.
The question I would be wondering about is .... Did this happen because of my new found independence and the changes in our lives made him insecure or was he just projecting his feelings,thoughts,behaviors onto me?Either way you are obviously not to blame.
Should you still trust him?Some will say well he confessed so he must be trustworthy at least to some degree but how did this confession come to be?If it was completely of his own accord without fear that someone' might inform you or you were suspicious and might find out some way then some level of trust can be granted to him. But how can you ever really know or be sure of the answer to this question?

Is he deserving of full trust...no. You were going through a rough time but there will always be rough times and you need to be able to communicate and get through it together without turning your attention to another. He didn't handle it properly and that is cause for concern there is no excuse for what he has done. There is a crack in your marriage that needs to be fixed. Don't sweep this under the rug. Go to counseling and get to the root of it. 

You say you admire him and he has integrity. Very desirable qualities. I'm not saying he doesn't but that is really questionable now and rightfully so. Now he is talking to some other girl in a way that's getting the first OW jealous?He is obviously lacking boundaries as well as appropriate communication skills and problem solving skills necessary to a successful relationship. I wouldn't trust him at all at this point . I suggest you don't either. I would ask him to leave or leave myself if he refused but can understand why someone could not go that route. I say,at minimum he changes jobs and agrees to counseling or one of you leaves._Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zab (Jul 25, 2012)

thank you guys for your response. what you saying makes perfect sense to me.:iagree:

@someone90, like you said that I should try to find out the truth, I did, I tried talking to him and try to get him tell me what really happened between the two of them. he said nothing and assured me that he's telling the truth, he said he kind of gave her the wrong idea by getting too friendly and cosy with her when talking to her, then decided to stop it because he realised that he was taking the wrong route. but when I ask him who that was, he says he doesn't know her name, really? how do you get friendly and cosy with someone you don't even know her name?

impossible, he was sober minded and @ work and he never gets drunk or even drink alcohol so how possible is that? so I'm the idiot here. I told him I don't believe him and don't trust him anymore, he said I'll believe what I want to believe and he wont try to convince me to believe him. he then got angry with me saying that I'm starting a war where there's none, I exaggerate and make a huge deal out of nothing. so he's shifting the blame and want to make m feel bad and guilty as if now it were my fault that we are unhappy again.

I feel sad cause I love him a lot and can't even think of leaving, yet I don't wanna be a victim, I just wanna be happy as I use to be- in this marriage.
@inarut: I don't think he'll agree to counselling cause he says there was nothing and i'm making a big deal out of it. which means he doesn't see it as aserious problem that needs to be dealt with. but i'll try it too see if it works out


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Well I have to save it just looks pretty bad. I think it may have gone physical. I can't see her getting angry because she was speaking to someone else if there hadn't been at least some kissing going on. I think he told you what he did initially because she was feeling guilty about it but not because she really wanted to come completely clean. Trickle truth.
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Is getting angry and defensive is a classic sign as well.

There have been other problems in a marriage you could tell him that you don't want to just focus on the infidelity but you also want to address the other problems that led up to that point. 

Or you could ask him to take a lie detector test. My guess is if you search your mind for a name that you have heard more than one time you'll know who the girl was. 

Its very irritating that he confess to something what is on willing to tell the whole truth. Its like why bother if you're just going to make things worse by coming up with the story that makes no sense. It's insulting. It's also another illustration of his selfishness.

He's a passive aggressive did. That's why he tried to get you back with another woman. That's why he was controlling as well. 

There's certainly enough water to justify marriage counseling even without going into the infidelity. 

But as you say it's probably going to be an uphill battle no matter how you phrase it because she knows she is in the wrong and he doesn't want to be found out. 

The question for you is how far do you want to take this? It's a little soon to ask that question but it's something you're going to have to answer for yourself because it will dictate how you proceed. 

How immature is he? 

One question you might want to to him is knowing that will be going through another rough spot for a while is this going to happen again is she going to get back at you by treating or going after another woman? How can he prove to you that he is trustworthy. Well he could become 100 percent transparent in everything he does. 

Is he willing to give you all of his passwords .right on the spot and allow you to look at emails and its chat logs and his erased history and to search files and images that may have been saved during that period?

Well don't mention that last part. You just want is password on the spot and access to his computer. You need him to give up the passwords right away so that you can get in there before he has an opportunity to sanitize. 

If you could get his passwords without today him of that would be even better. 

He's kicking himself for saying anything at all right now. So part of the anger that you she is directed towards his self. Unfortunately it's being projected on to you. 

Take your time think what about what you want to do. But whatever it is don't tip your hand until you're ready to pounce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

There are many places where it says she but it should say he.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

Has he acted trustworthy?

No, not from what you described. you don't know whether he went all the way with this OW, but here's the thing....he hid it from you, so he knew it was wrong. He sorta owned it.....probably the best you're going to get as far as what really happened.

My question is, does he act trustworthy today and going forward?

If the answer is no....well....no you can't trust him.

If the answer is yes he is trustworthy and acts with integrity.

Yes you can trust him.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

This is a huge problem and if I were you I would never put up with it. He says he almost cheated on you and almost professed love to another woman, and then he says that you're overreacting when you get upset??? And on top of that he claims to not know her name??
I'm sorry but he's not a man of integrity and you should take time and really think about your future with him. Do not put up with something like this.


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