# Need Help and Advice wife having EA



## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

First thanks in advance for everyone's help and input. Sorry for this being so long. Some history. My wife and I have been married 20 yrs. We have two great kids. Over the years we have been happy with each other. 

Four yrs ago I had a affair with a high school GF. It was a terrible mistake. It went on for several months. It started with hey how's it going. It went from there. My wife discovered the affair and we separated for a while. My relationship with my wife became abusive. I had never done anything like that before and haven't since. I was so deep in the fog I couldn't see how good my wife and I were together. At the end of my affair my wife had a One night stand with a younger man in our home. That drove me crazy but In a way this allowed us to move forward and we R. I don't know but it somehow allowed us both to forgive. We were back on track and things we great for 3 yrs. 

Then 8 months ago I lost my job. This literally destroyed me. A lot of what a man does is what he does for a living. This was a high paying job major company and actually put me into what I think was depression. Luckily I was only unemployed 5 months. With that being said I completely shut down and put a wall up around everyone including my wife. I soon was back to normal after I found employment.

Fast forward to christmas. I was ordering one of the kids a phone online and noticed a large amount of text on my wife's wireless plan. Thousands of text. I recognize the number as my wife's best friends husband. He lives out of state. I start looking over the last several months and find thousands of text and hundreds of hrs of phone calls. Having been here before I know what to do. I Play it cool and start looking. 

I get the phone email ect and discover they are having a EA. He is sending very sexual messages. sheis not participating however she isn't saying no either. This guy has got it bad. My wife lets this continue for months. Every day for months. She starts at 530 at gym and usually didn't stop some form of communication till bedtime. When she traveled out of town they would talk at 1:00 or 2:00 in morning. They discussed our relationship my faults and our past. As well as his relationship with his wife. All the while he is trying to get her into the sack. He was sending love poems words of encouragement ect. Talks about there life together ect. Again she lets it continue vs putting a stop to it.

D Day she denies and says it was nothing ect. I have the proof and she comes clean. Says it was inappropriate. That she tried to keep it just freinds got out of control and she liked the attention. She swears no PA. From the emails and text I know he is in love with her. She ends it and then loses her best friend over it as well. She says while I was laid off I was distant and didn't show her the attention I usually do. We have also went sexless since DDay. It's not from me not trying. She says she just needs some space. 

My problem is I'm mad. Mad as he'll about it. A lot of trust issues now. She says she is sorry and knows it was wrong. We still love each other but I don't know how to let this go. She is trying but without the sex I have my doubts. Any advice.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

She refuses to have sex with you? I say she's still involved with the other guy. Burner phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Cubby said:


> She refuses to have sex with you? I say she's still involved with the other guy. Burner phone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her she is going for a polygraph her reaction should be telling.
Print up divorce papers from your state leave them where she could see them.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The no sex issue is an indicator that she is either still in the affair or has feelings for him that she is not admitting to you.

If you stopped your digging, I would start investigating again to try to find out if the A is still on. Did the OM try to save his marriage? Did the OMW kick him out?


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> The no sex issue is an indicator that she is either still in the affair or has feelings for him that she is not admitting to you.
> 
> If you stopped your digging, I would start investigating again to try to find out if the A is still on. Did the OM try to save his marriage? Did the OMW kick him out?


Never stopped digging. It has stopped. I actually think she was looking for a way to end it. The sex issue she says comes from me not spending the quality time it takes to work up to it. I have told her I'm committed to getting it fixed for us. But the anger is getting in the way.


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

Did the OM try to save his marriage? Did the OMW kick him out?[/QUOTE]

They are working on it. We have no contact with them now.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> Never stopped digging. It has stopped. I actually think she was looking for a way to end it. The sex issue she says comes from me not spending the quality time it takes to work up to it. I have told her I'm committed to getting it fixed for us. But the anger is getting in the way.


Get an MC that specializes in infidelity try a few sessions.
Get the book we call mmslp-married mans sex life primer-it helps whether you stay with her or move on to someone else.
Start working out go out a few nights a week and just tell her you'll be back later.
Become a mystery man and, in her eyes if you keep this up, she will worry that you are moving on even though for now you are not.
Just my 2 cents.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

This is the life you're choosing. I know couples that do this tit/for/tat type stuff. The problem is you and her will not be ready to change at the same time and will drag each other back into this crap over and over.

You can only make a stand once you've decided you deserve it. Until then you make empty demands.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

This is the life you're choosing. I know couples that do this tit/for/tat type stuff. The problem is you and her will not be ready to change at the same time and will drag each other back into this crap over and over.

You can only make a stand once you've decided you deserve it. Until then you make empty demands.


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> This is the life you're choosing. I know couples that do this tit/for/tat type stuff. The problem is you and her will not be ready to change at the same time and will drag each other back into this crap over and over.
> 
> You can only make a stand once you've decided you deserve it. Until then you make empty demands.


I understand what your saying. I have already told her this is the last time. One way or the other. We both should have learned from 4yrs ago. I know I did. It was the worst mistake. One I am truly ashamed of. I made all the normal excuses. But afterward I realized it was wrong and I was to blame. This is totally different. I'm so mad I don't know if I can forgive her.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Can she move out for a while so you can have space?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> Never stopped digging. It has stopped. I actually think she was looking for a way to end it. *The sex issue she says comes from me not spending the quality time it takes to work up to it. *I have told her I'm committed to getting it fixed for us. But the anger is getting in the way.


What does she require for sex? How many hours of quality time? What types of activities?

Before d-day, was she having sex with you?


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Can she move out for a while so you can have space?


We have discussed it. It's a possibility we are looking at.


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

Will_Kane said:


> What does she require for sex? How many hours of quality time? What types of activities?
> 
> Like most ladies she needs to be made to feel important. She needs to feel like the sex is secondary . I've been working on it. A lot of quality time but still nothing
> 
> Before d-day, was she having sex with you?


Yes she was. It had been fine. Less than normal but we still made time.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Are we talking dinner and a movie? A night on the couch watching TV?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So you say your real issue is your anger. Is she angry, too? There are many threads here where a BS grapples years later with the infidelity of a spouse. There is a lot of anger and lack of interest in intimacy. You say you love one another. Is that what she says to you?


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> So you say your real issue is your anger. Is she angry, too? There are many threads here where a BS grapples years later with the infidelity of a spouse. There is a lot of anger and lack of interest in intimacy. You say you love one another. Is that what she says to you?


She is angry because I expect sex. She feels like I want the prize without putting in the work. Like I said earlier everything was fine before I put up the wall.


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

Will_Kane said:


> Are we talking dinner and a movie? A night on the couch watching TV?


Shes always been easy going. Dinner , Movie just along time. I think this other guy has brainwashed her. Telling her the usual crap you deserve better. Your husband is a SOB.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> I understand what your saying. I have already told her this is the last time. One way or the other. We both should have learned from 4yrs ago. I know I did. It was the worst mistake. One I am truly ashamed of. I made all the normal excuses. But afterward I realized it was wrong and I was to blame. This is totally different. I'm so mad I don't know if I can forgive her.


I feel for you CBF. There's no magic pill. If everything is out in the open then usually time helps. Secrets, half truths, and trickle truth however will sabotage the effort no matter how much time passes.

You still may not be able to turn loose of resentment. Just be vigilant in making sure you both know everything and there are no surprises. Often not believing we have honesty about whatever happened is the sticking point.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> I feel for you CBF. There's no magic pill. If everything is out in the open then usually time helps. Secrets, half truths, and trickle truth however will sabotage the effort no matter how much time passes.
> 
> You still may not be able to turn loose of resentment. Just be vigilant in making sure you both know everything and there are no surprises. Often not believing we have honesty about whatever happened is the sticking point.


:iagree: Two things possibly going on here. OP not sure he has the whole truth, and OP's W still grieving the loss of her "special friend."


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> *She is angry because I expect sex. She feels like I want the prize without putting in the work.* Like I said earlier everything was fine before I put up the wall.


Did she say this? If so and she says it again, I'd ask her since the EA OM was "putting in the work", how long before he got the "prize"?...

Your anger issues aside, it would seem to me that you are and have been willing to work on the marriage. Your wife, not so much.

I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up having an EA/PA with someone from the gym she goes to with in the next year....


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

There's anger and/or resentment on her part. She is using sex to manipulate you. No one wants to feel used for sex, for money or otherwise. Many cheaters lament that once the cheating is discovered all of the focus goes there and none to the problems in the marriage or with the spouse that the cheater used to justify the cheating. What were your wife's justifications? What were your wife's complaints about you before she cheated? Do you think this has anything to do with your current situation? Do you think your affair 4 years ago has anything to do with it? The fact that she had one after you would be viewed by many as a lesser transgression and even could be blamed on you for putting the marital dynamic in that place. My point is that your wife is withholding sex as a manipulative tool and if that is new behavior, there is something underlying it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> She is angry because I expect sex. She feels like I want the prize without putting in the work. Like I said earlier everything was fine before I put up the wall.


Sex is part of marriage. So is communication. Wives who feel guilty for what they've done likely will tolerate some anger, many are the exact opposite of your wife and want all the sex they can get because it makes them feel that they are on the path to reconciling instead of losing their marriage. When a cheater acts like yours there usually is something else going on either physically or emotionally, either inside the marriage or outside the marriage. Aren't you glad I narrowed it down for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> She is angry because I expect sex. She feels like I want the prize without putting in the work. Like I said earlier everything was fine before I put up the wall.


did she tell OM she wanted to have sex with him?

and really, was everything fine? was everything fine when you decided to cheat on your wife 4 yrs ago?

i'm sorry you are angry and hurting but you cheated first. for months. as upset as you are right now, imagine her pain when out of the frking blue she learned you were having sex with another woman and carrying on behind her back. she's probably still pretty p*ssed about it.

how did your relationship with the OW end?


i don't have any advice at all. i'm sure others will.
good luck.


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

Philat said:


> :iagree: Two things possibly going on here. OP not sure he has the whole truth, and OP's W still grieving the loss of her "special friend."


That's actually what I was thinking.


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

Thanks for all the advice. It helps just to let it out and talk about it. I haven't been able to talk to any of my friends about this. I've been to embarrassed. I know the easy answer is it takes time.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

Philat said:


> :iagree: Two things possibly going on here. OP not sure he has the whole truth, and OP's W still grieving the loss of her "special friend."


and by "special friend" are we referring to her H that cheated on her?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If before Dday it was happening and it isn't now she's mourning him IMO.

Really sucks dude. Sorry you are here.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

cool12 said:


> and by "special friend" are we referring to her H that cheated on her?


1. She chose to reconcile.
2. She also cheated.
3. She's cheating again.

I think special friend can apply to the affair partner now.


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

sinnister said:


> 1. She chose to reconcile.
> 2. She also cheated.
> 3. She's cheating again.
> 
> I think special friend can apply to the affair partner now.


Actually it crazy. The OM was her best friends husband. So she lost her best friend as well. It's a big mess.


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

sinnister said:


> If before Dday it was happening and it isn't now she's mourning him IMO.
> 
> Really sucks dude. Sorry you are here.


I think it's Karma for the way I acted 4 yrs ago. I'm a better than the way I acted 4 yrs ago. I knew it was wrong and did it anyway. I just woke up one morning and said what in the hell am I doing.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

sinnister said:


> 1. She chose to reconcile.
> 2. She also cheated.
> 3. She's cheating again.
> 
> I think special friend can apply to the affair partner now.


OP states that she had her ONS while they were separated and he was still seeing his AP. 

i'm suggesting the root of their problems now, the reason for her special friend, is the OP breaking their marriage vows in the first place. i understand that she chose/agreed to R but that doesn't mean she is over the hurt and betrayal he caused.

i do not think her EA is justified in any way, just don't want to rug sweep OP's A and its effect on her.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> This is totally different. I'm so mad I don't know if I can forgive her.


CBF my man, with that I'm going to have to withdraw my recommendation for you to receive the "Equal Treatment for both Men and Women" award. No offense, Dawg, but you don’t have a clue about women. 
Here's something for you to think about Dawg. You not only got it on with an old GF, but by your own admission your relationship with your wife became abusive because you were in a fog. Gee I can't understand why the little woman didn't put you right back on the pedestal after you explained what you were going through getting caught and having to ditch the GF. But its total different when she steps out of line. If I can remember the planet I heard that logic works on, I tell you. Suffice it to say it ain't this one.
In the meantime, you need to know when a woman tells you she need some space she means at least a million miles. Of course she doesn't want sex with you. Sex would require you get closer than half that distance. To say her interest level in you has declined to an all time low is an understatement. 
Here's the bottom line Dawg. Telling her you love her, adore her and want it back the way it was, after everything you put her through, don't always work.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> CBF my man, with that I'm going to have to withdraw my recommendation for you to receive the "Equal Treatment for both Men and Women" award. No offense, Dawg, but you don’t have a clue about women.
> Here's something for you to think about Dawg. You not only got it on with an old GF, but by your own admission your relationship with your wife became abusive because you were in a fog. Gee I can't understand why the little woman didn't put you right back on the pedestal after you explained what you were going through getting caught and having to ditch the GF. But its total different when she steps out of line. If I can remember the planet I heard that logic works on, I tell you. Suffice it to say it ain't this one.
> In the meantime, you need to know when a woman tells you she need some space she means at least a million miles. Of course she doesn't want sex with you. Sex would require you get closer than half that distance. To say her interest level in you has declined to an all time low is an understatement.
> Here's the bottom line Dawg. Telling her you love her, adore her and want it back the way it was, after everything you put her through, don't always work.


whew.
thanks for writing this. i was starting to think i was the only one reacting like this.


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

I understand where your coming from. But things for both us were so good for three yrs. I mean really good. We have been so strong the last 3 yrs this just caught me off guard. I guess I'll just play it out and do what I can. Again thanks for the honesty. Not looking for a pity party. I'm tuff I can take criticism for what I did 4 yrs ago. It was all on me.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> Actually it crazy. The OM was her best friends husband. So she lost her best friend as well. It's a big mess.


I joked in a previous post by presenting a lot of possible situations and then asking aren't you glad I narrowed it down for you, but really you've got a lot going on here. Your affair which has a lot of various hurtful aspects to it, you leaving her, you being abusive to her, you being in a complete fog, all apparently rug-swept according to your description, then her affair, also rug-swept, then three years where everything is hunky-dory, then you finding her accepting all of this lovey-dovey and sex talk but not really responding to it from a girlfriend's husband, then losing the friend and the friend's husband, and on top of that, you being mad as hell, and her suddenly withdrawing sex.

What is the problem? It could be the affair four years ago or it could be her mourning the loss of the current other man or it could be her taking it underground with the current other man. Among many other things.

Try to keep things on an even keel for a few weeks and see how it goes. Try to talk to her about what is going on with her, let her know what is going on with you.


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

Will_Kane said:


> I joked in a previous post by presenting a lot of possible situations and then asking aren't you glad I narrowed it down for you, but really you've got a lot going on here. Your affair which has a lot of various hurtful aspects to it, you leaving her, you being abusive to her, you being in a complete fog, all apparently rug-swept according to your description, then her affair, also rug-swept, then three years where everything is hunky-dory, then you finding her accepting all of this lovey-dovey and sex talk but not really responding to it from a girlfriend's husband, then losing the friend and the friend's husband, and on top of that, you being mad as hell, and her suddenly withdrawing sex.
> 
> What is the problem? It could be the affair four years ago or it could be her mourning the loss of the current other man or it could be her taking it underground with the current other man. Among many other things.
> 
> Try to keep things on an even keel for a few weeks and see how it goes. Try to talk to her about what is going on with her, let her know what is going on with you.


We do have a lot going on. I'm hoping we can just be still for a few weeks till things calm down. We have both made a lot of mistakes over the years but have always managed to come together. Thanks for everyone's input. Good or bad it feels good to talk about it.


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