# im 24, wife left, lied about seeing guys when she said she was still trying



## whutitdew420 (Jun 9, 2012)

hey. my name is jay. im 24 and my wife left 1 month ago. we were together for 8 years and married for 1. we have a 10 month old daughter named jade. things were always special between us. we did everything together and thought we would be together forever. we were 16 and both worked at mcdonalds when we met, so we both grew up and became adults together. i never believed in marriage but she always wanted it. after about 2 years of her talking about it i finally realized that i wanted to really spend my whole life with her and asked. of course she said yes and 3 months later was pregnant. i have been addicted to opiates for 8 years and have got clean 2 times but went back. 

one was 2 months before we had jade. about 2 months after she gave birth i got back into pills and i took a girl on a date. i thought i wanted to leave and just told her i wanted out. about a week later i told her i had been seeing another woman because i realized i was wrong. i didnt ask or expect her to come back. i owed it to her and wanted to come clean. she decided to give it a shot and came back we went on but never actually worked on anything. i got clean again 2 months ago and actually felt like i would do it this time because i was doing all the things i could and didnt try alone i told everyone close to me for support. all my friends used so they had to go but one of them didnt go to easy and got mad so he did some stuff on facebook to make me look like i was cheating with the girl i was seeing before.

she left me and said if i could prove i didnt do it she would come back. at first i didnt know who did it but a week after she left he came and told me. i had him talk to her and the girl that helped him do it but she said she didnt know and every time we talked she had a different excuse for not wanting to come back. i never had but 2 or 3 minutes to talk cuz she always got mad if i did. i tried showing her how much i cared, giving her space, being nice when i got jade from her while giving her space but she still wouldnt talk or go out to eat or anything. i thought she had been seeing a guy and asked no more than 3 times and she said no. that she was still thinking about coming back home and she wouldnt do that unless she told me. she was hanging out with friends and coming home a lot at 4 am.

i had talked to her friend and she told me she wasnt over there all the times she said and i finally hear from someone she was with a guy. she lied when i told her but eventually said she was and that she was since she left. she didnt think it was wrong to tell me she was still thinking about getting back together while seeing someone then lie about it. eventually she said it was because i was an addict then later cuz of the time i cheated before. we never worked on trying to get past me cheating because of the baby and some other things kept us busy and we never did. i think she just got to be free and felt good to get that after being together for 8 years and didnt want to admit it.

i know she still loves me but she doesnt want to get hurt. she starts to tear up everytime i talk about us and just tries to hold it back and think of anything to tell herself to not come back to me. her parents both hate me and love it and tell her not to get back with me. they got divorced when she moved out and they were never there for her growing up and i was always there when she was let down by them. they just started to come back in the picture after we had jade and she even said thats the only reason they did. i told her this but she denies it. i have tried everything and i havent talked to her in three days.

its not hurting as much but i dont want her to come back to me because its her only option if she starts to get tired of her mom or after the fun and partying for 6 months or whatever has died down and she realizes it was a phase. she has told me several times she is coming to get her stuff and i even told her to one day or i was throwing it out (but i was just mad) but she never does. i wish i could just have 1 month to show her i care and if things got better another month until we felt like we could live together. 8 years just seems like a lot to throw away without ever trying to work it out.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this. You will get some fairly harsh replies here and mine won't be much of a nice one either.

Facts:

- You ARE an addict (an addict is always an addict. An addict in recovery is always one fix away from just being an addict)

- You DID cheat

- Your wife also cheated

Those three facts alone can destroy much longer lasting and much stronger relationships than the one you had with your wife.

Add the fact that you never really got around fixing any of the issues in your marriage and I'm surprised you actually think your wife should come back fast :scratchhead:

Here's what you need to to do if you want your wife back:

- Do not contact her
- Do not chase her
- Do not spy on her
- Do not expect her to come back anytime soon

This is the time for you to really make improvements to yourself in your wife's complete absence. If she's around, none of those improvements will get noticed or even happen. It's the distance and clearing of the fog that causes both of you to see the true image of yourselves as individuals and make adjustments to your lifestyle.

You and your wife are like poison to each other at this moment. 

Your marriage cannot be saved in its current state. Separation is a must. You constant contacting and pleading will only portray you as a weak, needy person. Do you think your wife would go back to such a person? 

Stop all contact for a while. No more arguing over separation, divorce, custody of the kid, finances or reconciliation. NONE. 

Do this for at least 3 weeks and keep posting here to vent. Keep reading all the other threads to learn how other people deal with their situation. Your situation is not really unique. It's one in thousands. Learn from others' experience.

Keep posting *and USE PARAGRAPHS in your writing. It's very hard to read posts like yours*


----------



## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Definetly follow his advise,its the ONLY thing that's works period, def vent on here & read everybodys posts,you'll get a perspective


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

synth said it all

listen to Obi-Wan


----------



## whutitdew420 (Jun 9, 2012)

thanks for the advice. i havent had contact with her for the past 4 days. 

i was going to a concert tonight and found out she was going. for some reason i got overwhelmed with anxiety and panic. 

i talked to my parents and they gave me the same speech cuz they cant do anything anymore.

i ened up calling my wife and asked if she wanted to go but she said she was going with her friend.

i was doing ok not contacting her for a minute but as soon as i seen she was going to the concert i wanted to talk to her.

we talked for about 5 min about my sister getting pregnant and just other ramdom stuff and forgot about the concert.

i had been going to the gym and she always wanted to go together when we were a couple and we never did and she kinda got jealous that i am going.

but i felt good that she actually wanted to talk to me this time but as soon as she started nagging about me going to the gym i told her i didnt want to argue and we both said bye. not angry at each other tho.

she seemed happy to hear from me but i didnt want to stay talk very long either cuz i would eventually start to talk about getting together and i know i cant until we both work on our personal issue first. 

thank you for the advice tho and hope you keep in touch


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Stop chasing her!


----------



## whutitdew420 (Jun 9, 2012)

im not chasing her anymore i have only talked to her once in 4 days. im just having a hard time dealing with it while she is seemingly fine and loves it. 

i do still have feelings for her but i cant do anything but give her space and if she wants to come back then she will have to have enough courage to apologize and be able to admit her mistakes

i dont even want to be with her until we have both confronted our issues and begun to work on them. im just needing some support with the things i face on my own because since i was 16 she and drugs have been my life and they are both gone.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Stop defending her and looking for reasons to care about her. It's going to be hard but you have to see her for the quitter she is. If you continue to care and worry about her she'll exploit your sympathy for her own selfish comfort and then burn you. You're not emotionally ready to talk to her and won't be for at least a few months. When you feel like talking to her just heart her out but don't try to solve her problems or extract details.


----------



## whutitdew420 (Jun 9, 2012)

i know man she has already done that. she tried to get me to help her with some things a few weeks ago after she was being a complete *****.

i told her im not helping her with anything while she treats me like that and told her the only reason she is asking me is because she thought i would do it to make her happy and get my hopes up.

i wont ever let any women play me like that for stuff she needs. i may have gave her attention but as soon as she tried asking for favors i called her out and she got pissed at me and tried turnin it around on me sayin if i cared i would do this for her.

it was pretty funny actually and it felt really good that i stood up for myself cuz i knew she was furious when her little plan didnt work.


i appreciate the help tho and thanks for the advice.


----------

