# 12 Years of Hurt Update - Seaking Advise and Book Recommendations



## Life'sGray28 (Nov 2, 2021)

So I have posted previously. As everyone's situation is a bit different it would probably help to know the backstory, but to keep it short I [F 26] have been with my husband [M 32] since 2010. I wrecked our marriage by having an affair a few years ago. I didn't confess until October 2021.

It has only been 3 months, and I know that is NOT enough time to rebuild trust and gain back happiness. So far I have only read one book to try to understand how I need to support him and help him heal. After the Affair - Janis A Spring.

I am looking for more literature and more advice. Specifically when something happens (wondering thought or trigger) my husband rightfully so gets irrated with me, even if we are have having a good day.

This just recently happened. The plan was to go to Lowes and the craft store and as we were getting ready to leave I could tell he was upset. I asked if everything was okay, and he says I'm frustrated not at you for right now, just having bad thoughts.

I sank, I said yeah, we can go out to the stores another day. I'm sorry do you want to talk or have me give you space? We still went to the stores. I tried my best to be normal but keep things short and quick. I was quiet but fully responding when he would talk.

We had more plans for the afternoon, but I knew it wasn't the right thing. I went to my room and curled into bed and he played games in his office.

When these situations come up I don't know what to do. I am always willing to listen and ask him to share his anger and hurt so I can take some weight back that I wrongly gave him, but that usually doesn't help. I give space and try my hardest to put his pain above mine and do kind acts for him.

It feels like I can't find balance. I am hurt too, but everytime I see him upset and hurting I want to die. The flood of self hate overwhelms me and I don't know what to do short of unaliving myself.

From what I have read (here, reddit, podcasts, and my one book) I understand there is a difference between guilt and remorse, and I feel like I'm stuck in self-serving guilt. How do I move to remorse?

What do I do now and for the future when this happens? What can I do to take the burden back? I know I can't undo the past, but what do I do right now to amend?

Thanks for anyone's thoughts advice and recommendations in advance.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Do not get stuck on those two words, rather, get luck with your many actions.

In my book, guilt and remorse are basically the same thing.

Though, not having remorse (could mean) that you enjoyed the cheating and felt it was appropriate at the time.

Not feeling guilt, but being sad, in that you have been found out, is the usual unacceptable happening that is not well taken, in polite society.

You confessed, for what reason?

The deeper reason, please.

..................................................................................................

Were you about to be exposed by someone else, or was it purely guilt that lead you to confess?

I can think of *external reasons, other than guilt that made you tell-all (after all this time).



_Lilith-


* reasons, few in the world accept as legitimate..._


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So a 22 year old man pursed a 16 year old girl?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> So a 22 year old man pursed a 16 year old girl?


The math lady has appeared.

Good point, though!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> So a 22 year old man pursed a 16 year old girl?


Or the 16 year old girl persued a 22 year old guy.


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## Life'sGray28 (Nov 2, 2021)

I was 14 actually. It's further explained in my post history. 


SunCMars said:


> or was it purely guilt that lead you to confess?


As in my old post I confessed after some therapy and realizing the gravity of my lies. I was stealing his free will. I confessed because I wanted him to know so he could choose his own life. Not a life based on me lying. 

I thought for sure he was going to leave. I was expecting that response and due to selfishness put off for far too long telling the truth.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Life'sGray28 said:


> I was 14 actually. It's further explained in my post history.
> 
> As in my old post I confessed after some therapy and realizing the gravity of my lies. I was stealing his free will. I confessed because I wanted him to know so he could choose his own life. Not a life based on me lying.
> 
> I thought for sure he was going to leave. I was expecting that response and due to selfishness put off for far too long telling the truth.


 Pretty sure I gave you the advice before to figure out how to be a healthy adult woman before you try to have any kind of relationship. He took advantage of you when you were a child and now he’s offended that you don’t know how to be in a committed relationship. 

You are a victim not a perpetrator. 

Get counseling for yourself. You’re too focused on this relationship.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Or the 16 year old girl persued a 22 year old guy.


So what? She was 16.


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## Life'sGray28 (Nov 2, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Pretty sure I gave you the advice before


You did. I appreciate that, I really do. I just don't know how to find answers.. about who I am and what I want.. I need help. 

And to be totally honest some days it feels like I'm using the history and origin as an excuse for hurting someone. Other days I'm filled with rage and anger. I don't know how to move forward other than trying to right my wrongs. 

I wanna stay married. I just need help.


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## Butforthegrace (Oct 6, 2021)

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> So what? She was 16.


My best friend when I was at school dated a guy several years older than her at that age. They were happily married for 47 years till he sadly died last year. 
Many girls of that age date older men because boys of around that age are so immature.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Life'sGray28,

Let me introduce myself: I grew up in a home where my mother was bipolar and beat me on a daily basis, and my dad knew but to escape the mental illness and dysfunction, he was an active alcoholic and spent time in the bar. That left me, my sister, and my baby sister to fend for ourselves. Like you, I grew up with a screwed up definition of Love, because the people who were supposed to love me, care for me, and nurture me were the ones who hit me, hurt me, and abused me. I thought Love was earned and I was too darn stubborn to do what was needed to avoid being hit...much less loved! When I was 18yo I moved out of the house, never to turn back, and went to college--and I lost my virginity to a date rape. I married a serial cheating, abusive man--had two children with him--and divorced him when I got conclusive proof. I went to years and years of individial counseling (IC) and support groups. I married a second time and did a much better job choosing husbands, but this time I had an online affair on him. We truly reconciled and in 2017, he passed away. Now I'm married for a third and final time. 

I told you all this because I want you to know that when I say "I get where you're coming from" I really mean it. I've walked the walk--I don't just talk the talk! I have some thoughts and recommendations I'd like to share with you, but I'm at work...on lunch...and I think this will be a long post. So for now, I have one small thught to share (and I'd like to write a longer post tonight): when your husband has a wandering thought or a trigger, his response is UP TO HIM. You can not "make" him feel or do anything, including "feel better." Now, I realize you are trying to be supportive or encouraging or helpful, but Part of this is HIM...and Part of this is YOU. 

The part that is HIM is that it is his job and his side of the street to choose how he is going to react to a trigger. He can choose to dwell on the past and relive it and refeel it (like PTSD), or he can make deliberate choices that help him keep himself in the present. I personally use my five senses to stay in the present: what can I see right now? what can I smell? what can I hear? what can I taste? what can I feel? The choice to stay in the past and relive the hurt...or stay in the present and feel but let go of the emotion is HIS to make, and you can't do that for him. 

The part that is YOU is that you want to help him love you, you kind of "earn" his love, you want to do something to "make him feel better", you want to "give him space" to work through it...and what you need to do is respectfully ask him what would help HIM (not you). He may or may not want space. He may or may not want to stop going to the store. He may or may not want to talk. He may or may not want physical closeness (like a hug or kiss). ASK HIM. Don't assume. And specifically, don't be lame and generally ask "What can I do?" because a lot of times when people are grieving or triggering they don't know what they need. Instead ask like this: "Would you like space or nearness right now?" "Would it be helpful to continue with our plans or make changes to the plans?" "Would you like to talk about it or would you like some happy, light chitchat?" See...he may be getting tired of always having deep, slogging relationship talks and really, Really want to just talk about baseball for once!

So let HIM be in charge of his side and his choices--and YOU be in charge of your side and your choices.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> My best friend when I was at school dated a guy several years older than her at that age. They were happily married for 47 years till he sadly died last year.
> Many girls of that age date older men because boys of around that age are so immature.


If my 14 year old child was seeing a 22 year old man, that man would be in jail, not married to her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

It is relevant to note that OP started dating her now husband when she was 14 and he 21. By 14 she already had 9 sexual partners. She started living with him at age 14. I'll probably get flak for this, but I would bet a 14 year old with 9 previous sexual partners does not come off as your run of the mill middle schooler. He could have been a creep like many of the other sexual partners likely were or he could have been her savior for all we know. Also, there are places where 14 isn't automatically statutory rape.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Life'sGray28 said:


> I was 14 actually. It's further explained in my post history.


You were 14 and had already been groomed and sexually abused by other older men. Your husband is a predator. The pain he's now feeling is karma. No sympathy from me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> My best friend when I was at school dated a guy several years older than her at that age. They were happily married for 47 years till he sadly died last year.
> Many girls of that age date older men because boys of around that age are so immature.


So then you're fine with 16 year old girls and grown men because you knew someone that it worked out for?

Just because you knew someone doesn't mean it's OK.

Girls used to be forced to marry their rapists if they got pregnant so it wouldn't be an out of wedlock birth. A few of them probably worked out ok too.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

QuietRiot said:


> If my 14 year old child was seeing a 22 year old man, that man would be in jail, not married to her.


That man would be in the ground, not jail.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is relevant to note that OP started dating her now husband when she was 14 and he 21. By 14 she already had 9 sexual partners. She started living with him at age 14. I'll probably get flak for this, but I would bet a 14 year old with 9 previous sexual partners doesn't not come off as your run of the mill middle schooler. He could have been a creep like many of the other sexual partners likely were or he could have been her savior for all we know. Also, there are place where 14 isn't automatically statutory rape.


OP has a history of sexual abuse and rape, her husband steps in and grooms her. If he had anything less than nefarious self serving actions in mind, he could have helped her as a mentor or a brother would, not a sexual partner. He is a child rapist. Her parents are obviously negligent and likely abusive. 

I read about a lot of child brides who want to stay with their husbands as well. It doesn’t mean it’s healthy and furthermore, what kind of “man” takes up with a 14 year old who is highly promiscuous, marries her and then expects her to have any notion of how to be in a relationship? He’s pissed his child bride didn’t blindly follow his training and grooming.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That man would be in the ground, not jail.


I had to erase the first line of my response there, I thought it might be a bit early in the New Year to envision “accidents”… but glad you went there first. I’d bring the shovels.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

QuietRiot said:


> I had to erase the first line of my response there, I thought it might be a bit early in the New Year to envision “accidents”… but glad you went there first. I’d bring the shovels.


I got some lime.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> OP has a history of sexual abuse and rape, her husband steps in and grooms her. If he had anything less than nefarious self serving actions in mind, he could have helped her as a mentor or a brother would, not a sexual partner. He is a child rapist. Her parents are obviously negligent and likely abusive.
> 
> I read about a lot of child brides who want to stay with their husbands as well. It doesn’t mean it’s healthy and furthermore, what kind of “man” takes up with a 14 year old who is highly promiscuous, marries her and then expects her to have any notion of how to be in a relationship? He’s pissed his child bride didn’t blindly follow his training and grooming.


I agree, the whole situation had to be a total **** show. She was living with the man at age 14, so the parents were obviously negligent or at least not fully present. This had to be a totally messed up life, likely for both of them. I still believe there are scenarios where the husband isn't the monster you want him to be. 

Also, she does know how to be in a relationship. She was married to him for 10 years before she had an affair. She also never mentioned him engaging in any infidelity. I can easily see a scenario where a 21 year pulls a 14 year old in this situation out of the mess she is in. I've lived with and around people with lives that were a total nightmare and everything is relative. What you or I think looks like hell may feel like heaven to someone else.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> If my 14 year old child was seeing a 22 year old man, that man would be in jail, not married to her.


We were talking about a 16 year old then not a 14 year old. Plus the couple I spoke about were Christians so didn't have sex till they married when she was 19.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> We were talking about a 16 year old then not a 14 year old. Plus the couple I spoke about were Christians so didn't have sex till they married when she was 19.


Yeah, so? The OP isn't/wasn't a 16 year old Christian virgin who saved herself for marriage. You're attempting to compare apples to oranges.

And a 16 year old kid isn't a lot more mature than a 14 year old kid. Seriously.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I agree, the whole situation had to be a total **** show. She was living with the man at age 14, so the parents were obviously negligent or at least not fully present. This had to be a totally messed up life, likely for both of them. I still believe there are scenarios where the husband isn't the monster you want him to be.
> 
> Also, she does know how to be in a relationship. She was married to him for 10 years before she had an affair. She also never mentioned him engaging in any infidelity. I can easily see a scenario where a 21 year pulls a 14 year old in this situation out of the mess she is in. I've lived with and around people with lives that were a total nightmare and everything is relative. What you or I think looks like hell may feel like heaven to someone else.


You have some valid points, I just can’t wrap mind around a person that wants to have a sexual relationship with a 14 year old girl. A kid is a kid. Mentally, she was a jacked up 14 year old with a brain nowhere close to being done developing. He was an adult, therein lies culpability for his actions. 

She said she had an affair 6 years ago, and decided to tell him a few months ago. Not sure if there was only one, or if she would admit to more. I have a notion that her dysfunction likely runs a lot deeper than one affair 6 years ago. Deep. Deep IC. That’s the only thing she needs in my opinion, not advice on how to save this gross relationship.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Life'sGray28 said:


> So I have posted previously. As everyone's situation is a bit different it would probably help to know the backstory, but to keep it short I [F 26] have been with my husband [M 32] since 2010. I wrecked our marriage by having an affair a few years ago. I didn't confess until October 2021.
> 
> It has only been 3 months, and I know that is NOT enough time to rebuild trust and gain back happiness. *So far I have only read one book* *to try to understand how I need to support him and help him heal.* After the Affair - Janis A Spring.
> 
> ...


Recognizing a couple of contradictions might help here. 

1) You admit to only reading one book in three months but come to TAM to get ideas from people that would be in the books you haven't read. I'm not downing TAM, as tremendous advice can come from here, but maximizing your self education is critically important. 

2) You seek more literature and advice, yet with online purchasing and reading you have more resources available to you than at any time in history. 

3) You say you're looking but have had 3 months to do so. Are you really looking, or do you seek shortcuts and an easier way to get what you need. 

My thought is that you mean well but are unable to face the consequences and come to terms with the result your actions have produced, which in short is a broken marriage and a broken man. That's understandable quite frankly but your journey to self healing and helping heal your husband requires traveling the entire route with no detours or short cuts. 

When you say I tried my best to be normal, it gives me the impression that you are remorseful, but still have a ways to go. Fully remorseful would reveal more effort to learn where and why he is in his present state. I get the feeling that you wish things could go back to normal, but what you must remember are two things. 

One, things may never be normal again, if back to where they were previously is what you and he consider normal. Secondly, his emotional and psychological state is as far from normal as one could be, so abnormalcy is the new normal in a sense. 



> It feels like I can't find balance. I am hurt too, but everytime I see him upset and hurting I want to die. The flood of self hate overwhelms me and I don't know what to do short of unaliving myself.


You care and are trying, and I give you credit for this. Without those two emotions, no words in the world can remedy your situation. 


> From what I have read (here, reddit, podcasts, and my one book) I understand there is a difference between guilt and remorse, and I feel like I'm stuck in self-serving guilt. How do I move to remorse?


Just the fact that you're asking yourself this question is a good thing. You must get more aggressive in reading however in order to learn how to keep yourself our of the self-serving guilt. Still..... outstanding self observation. 


> What do I do now and for the future when this happens? What can I do to take the burden back? I know I can't undo the past, but what do I do right now to amend?


Read the stories and books from wayward spouses and betrayed men. Your heart and mind are on track. Just continue to strengthen your resolve and patience so that you can decrease yourself to increase him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Life'sGray28 said:


> From what I have read (here, reddit, podcasts, and my one book) I understand there is a difference between guilt and remorse, and I feel like I'm stuck in self-serving guilt. How do I move to remorse?


But do you have actual remorse or do you just not like there being ramifications and consequences of your actions?

Are you sure you even need to be remorseful? Are you staying in the relationship and putting in all this supposed hard work because you truly want to be with him and remain in this marriage or are you just trying to alleviate your sense of guilt?

These are honest questions you need to do some soul-searching to address for yourself, I am not just trying to play Word Twister with you. 

These forums can be very hard on WS's as a lot of the people are because they were the ones that got cheated on and want to see some hardcore remorse and contrition from WS's. 

But the reality is for a marriage to work and for it to healthy and functional for both parties, it can't be built on a foundation of lies and deception, but neither can it be built on a foundation of guilt and contrition,, and neither can it be built on a foundation of the BS simply wanting to "Win" in the end. Both parties have to sincerely and truly want be together out of free choice.

You were both damaged and ill-equipped people coming into this relationship. It probably should not have happened to begin with. You were a troubled and at-risk child when you first got together. But you are becoming a more self aware adult working on your issues now. You may find that now as an adult, he is not right for you nor you for him. 

There are many traditionalists here that don't care that you entered into an illegitimate relationship as a troubled child and that since you tied the knot that now you have made your bed and must lay in it....... forever. 

I don't believe in that. I believe it is never too late to correct a mistake. 

What you need to determine is what is/was the mistake(s). Was the original relationship and eventual marriage the mistake? Was the affair a mistake? Is trying to stick it out and stay together now a mistake? 

What is actually the disease and what is the medicine here??????

These are things that you will need to address and work out with a professional and not other damaged and struggling people on the internet. 

My caveat is don't let guilt and making amends for the affair, your primary motivation for staying. Your H is not the one writing in here for advice, but if he were, I would tell him not to remain with you out of a sense of competition against the OM and wanting to be the one that "wins" the woman that cheated on him. 

You should each only be there if you sincerely want to be and believe it is best path for your actual well being. It shouldn't be about guilt. It shouldn't be about contrition or making amends. It shouldn't be about remorse and it definitely should not be about winning back the person who cheated. Both you and your H should WANT to be there. And if either of you truly doesn't, then that needs to faced and dealt with.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I just can’t wrap mind around a person that wants to have a sexual relationship with a 14 year old girl.* A kid is a kid*. *Mentally, she was a jacked up 14 year old* with a brain nowhere close to being done developing.


This 26 year-old young woman has been through unimaginable trauma her *entire life* at the hands of unscrupulous men (and maybe women), and she is most concerned about hurting the "man" she is presently married to. Note that he "married" her 6 years AFTER she started living with him. She has never evidently had ANYONE love her and care for her without condition. I can't wrap MY head around a young person who from childhood has never experienced kindness from another person. Who has concluded that she only exists for someone else to abuse.

I have no advice to give. It sure seems like there is a huge amount of damage to be unpacked and healed, but what resources are there to provide that?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> She has never evidently had ANYONE love her and care for her without condition. I can't wrap MY head around a young person who from childhood has never experienced kindness from another person. Who has concluded that she only exists for someone else to abuse.


Well this is the toughy here. 

It was clearly inappropriate and possibly even illegal for him to have been having sex with a young teen as a 21 year old. 

They both were clearly troubled and ill equipped for a healthy relationship and having some form of adult marital issues were pretty much certain. 

But I haven't seen anything in her posts to indicate that he was abusive or mean or mistreating of her or that he didn't care about her once they were together. 

A sick and wrong relationship in the beginning yes, but that doesn't mean it was by necessity uncaring or unloving. He may have been inappropriate and exploitive in getting with a young teen, but his feelings and support of her as the relationship progressed may have been sincere. 

Maybe he has been abusive and unloving and such, but she has not presented that information. In fact if I am reading her other thread correctly, it has been SHE that has been pressing him for sex and that she has been the argumentitive one and obviously it has been her that has cheated (maybe he has too but she hasn't said that he has) 

So I guess where I am going with this is that it is easy for us to point a finger and say that he is a pedophile and an abuser and bad man based on what took place 12 years ago. But they married when she was 20 which was 6 years ago and she hasn't said anything about him being mean or abusive or unloving. To her, he may be a good, loving husband that is sincere in making a life with her, whether we or anyone approves of the origins of the relationship or not.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> So a 22 year old man pursed a 16 year old girl?


Looks like he was 21 and she was 15.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Seeing your post now that you were 14???

That is SO messed up!!! Words can't describe what I would do to a twenty-something going after my 14 year old daughter.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Listen I am so torn by your post because I want to help you but given how you started and you were basically groomed by him I am just not sure it's the right thing to do. That doesn't justify the cheating but I also really worry about what kind of future you can have with a guy who at 21 is going out with someone 14.

I guess, I will tell you what I would have told you if you never cheated. You started dating this guy when you were a little girl, not even a young adult and he was a full grown man. The power difference in that relationship is SO FAR out of bounds it's just totally unfair to you. You have no concept of life, and any you gained in the years until you married him were shaped by this warped power imbalance.

Now you may have been having sex at a young age but just physically your brain is not developed and you still have no real life experiences to know what is healthy and what isn't. Or what is sleazy and a con and what is true. I'm sure given where you were at life all he had to do is show some attention to make you interested because it was more about an old guy liking you. Again that is normal when you are young, and why these relationships are just plain wrong.

That was very unfair to you, you are absolutely right, you didn't get to have a childhood.

I am not one to go lightly on cheating, it's wrong and even evil, but still, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP to make up for your cheating. You can even ask for forgiveness an still move on.

You have every right to want to leave a relationship that could never have been healthy from the start and to do so guilt free. You can feel guilty about the cheating and not allow yourself to feel guilty about leaving.

I can't imagine anything I would have had in common with a 14 year old kid when I was 21 even if she looked 17, as soon as she opened her mouth I would have felt gross.

Again do not equate asking for forgiveness for cheating with staying because one should have no influence over the other.

Like I said, I am not easy on cheaters, they should all repent and change, and I am not even giving you a pass for that, but you can work on that and still leave a dysfunctional relationship.

Finally I don't think anyone here is putting you down for being with him, and I know I am not. But everything you said about not having a childhood and being angry about that was 100% right. I feel deep sympathy for you, and I also can see that you are really taking strives to grow and heal from all this. It's OK to want something more, and to wonder what would happen if you met someone under more healthy circumstances. Just don't cheat again.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

Find a good therapist as your issues go well beyond having an affair.

You have been through so much, from a young age on and getting some good professional help will do you so much good.

I'm sorry for your situation. Please work on yourself.

It won't be easy, it won't happen quickly either.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> Yeah, so? The OP isn't/wasn't a 16 year old Christian virgin who saved herself for marriage. You're attempting to compare apples to oranges.
> 
> And a 16 year old kid isn't a lot more mature than a 14 year old kid. Seriously.


Sixteen year old girls can be very mature. I know several who met their now long term husband's at that sort of age.


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## Davit Bek (Sep 9, 2021)

My grandfather married my grandmother when she was 16 and he was 24. She is 83 now, and grandfather passed away. They raised two children together, and when my grandma was asked about the number of her marriages during Citizenship interview, she was deeply offended. This was in a country close to the middle east, and Christian. He was never abusive, both were deeply conservative, and slept on different beds since I remember. Her age for marriage wasn't out of the norm for her time, place, and socio-economoic status. I don't know much about their background, but we often don't realize that some of our norms are fairly recent.
I suggest keeping the recommendations on topic to be as helpful as possible to her.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Well this is the toughy here.
> 
> It was clearly inappropriate and possibly even illegal for him to have been having sex with a young teen as a 21 year old.
> 
> ...


I wasn't referring specifically to her husband. Rather to a CHILD who had nine adult males before she turned 14. Who then lived with a 20 year-old male from then until now. Who she married when she was 20. Isn't it obvious how much her early life damaged her? What trauma causes a CHILD to submit sexually to nine adult males when barely an adolescent. I would submit this is a result of severe psychological damage. Her seeking attention from her husband is just a result of all that has gone on before. She has NEVER been anything but victimized by males. What kind of human male would do such a thing?!? What parents would be so absent from her life as to not protect her from these?

I have lived a relatively sheltered life, so have no personal experience. But I have read that many of the woman walking the streets or on drugs or dancing in the strip clubs or making pornography or being trafficked to the Jefferey Epstens of the world were sexually abused as children and then groomed by predators. Something happened to this young woman early in her life that promoted her being victimized continually until today. This is a person who needs way more help than anyone on the internet can provide.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Davit Bek said:


> My grandfather married my grandmother when she was 16 and he was 24. She is 83 now, and grandfather passed away. They raised two children together, and when my grandma was asked about the number of her marriages during Citizenship interview, she was deeply offended. This was in a country close to the middle east, and Christian. He was never abusive, both were deeply conservative, and slept on different beds since I remember. Her age for marriage wasn't out of the norm for her time, place, and socio-economoic status. I don't know much about their background, but we often don't realize that some of our norms are fairly recent.
> I suggest keeping the recommendations on topic to be as helpful as possible to her.


It was very common even in the west in the not too distant past.
I dated a 23 year old for the best part of a year when I was 15/16. He was a lovely guy, very respectful and there was no sex. Girls then were far more mature than now. People grew up faster then.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Look having an affair is one thing. But there is a much much larger issue here. Quite simply, your husband belongs in jail !!!! And you need to see him for the pervert and sex offender that he is. What are your thoughts on this matter (and please do not try and make excuses for him)? What would you do today if you saw a 21year old man preying on a 14 year old girl? Regardless of what her circumstances are or were.

Does he realise that he broke the law? Quite seriously?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Davit Bek said:


> My grandfather married my grandmother when she was 16 and he was 24. She is 83 now, and grandfather passed away. They raised two children together, and when my grandma was asked about the number of her marriages during Citizenship interview, she was deeply offended. This was in a country close to the middle east, and Christian. He was never abusive, both were deeply conservative, and slept on different beds since I remember. Her age for marriage wasn't out of the norm for her time, place, and socio-economoic status. I don't know much about their background, but we often don't realize that some of our norms are fairly recent.
> I suggest keeping the recommendations on topic to be as helpful as possible to her.


This era is a completely different world. People used to top out at 25 years old, so they had to be pregnant by 14 to carry on human existence. Emotionally, a 14 year old is not the same emotional or mental level as a 14 year old 100 years ago, and not even close to 300 years ago. An 18 year old of today is way less emotionally mature than when I was 18, which is terrifying… (I blame TikTok and permissive parenting)

It is applicable to her recommendations that we take into account her husband is part of the abuse cycle of her life, and that an affair on her part is the least of her worries in regard to him. I hope and pray for this woman to get intensive therapy dealing with the traumas and perpetrators of abuse in her life, from the beginning, and I don’t see how her H could be excluded from that group. Call me judgmental, I care that she’s been steeped in abuse from the beginning. I care that her H is one of the people who continued the cycle, perhaps just as a lesser evil than her parents. I sure won’t give her advice on how to make it right with him.


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## Life'sGray28 (Nov 2, 2021)

So I don't think I'll be posting again. I was just trying to get some advice because I know the situation is not typical. I don't know how I feel about it entirely. I didn't even think it was that damaging until I started therapy. Some days it feels like I'm making excuses for myself having a rough childhood, other days I am broken and can't get out of bed. He isn't abusive. There is no violence in our relationship. 

In anger after I told the truth he said he felt like I took 10 years of his life, but I feel as though I didn't get to really choose either. My childhood was stolen from me.
But, I know what I did was wrong now and I try to focus on where I need to improve because that is all I can control. 

I am trying to get help here because I am not fully honest in therapy because of the age issues. The person he is today is not the same person that hurt me as a young girl. I have considered the advice to be on my own, but he really is a different person now. I just don't know how to undo some damage that is in my heart and mind. 

The other people that hurt me really hurt me and he wasn't as bad as the others. Honestly my memory is really touch and go. The trauma mixed with drinking at such a young age makes it all blury. 

Everything that happened to me seemed normal when it was happening. I was in a disgusting environment with a lot of sick people. I didn't have any other choice. I was there because of physical abuse from my single drunk father. I had my innocence stolen when I was 8 years old, and even before that experienced violence and abuse from my father. 

I am learning how to do normal life things now as an adult. I didn't learn them when I should've. My view on sexual relationships is still broken. I know that I am broken, but I don't know how to fix some things. Thats why I was asking for help anonymously. I was hoping someone could point me to a path.

I don't have family, I don't have close friendships that know my story. I don't tell people because I don't want anyone to compare him to the other men that really really messed me up. I don't want him to carry a label that no longer fits. 

And to everyone asking what I would do now as an adult seeing a child with an adult I have the same sentiments. I would do everything in my power to stop it and protect the child. It is wrong, it is gross, it is vile. I don't think any form of sex or relationship with a child can be consensual in any way shape or form. It is wrong. Period. 

I also understand now that just because you turn 18 that doesn't mean you have the skills you need to be a healthy adult and function in healthy relationships. 

I would not tolerate anything of the sort. But I was broken before him. He added but he wasn't the first person that hurt me, and he wasn't the worse hurt I got in life.

I don't know how to delete posts, but thanks to everyone who read and posted advice.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Life'sGray28 said:


> ...
> 
> *I am trying to get help here because I am not fully honest in therapy because of the age issues.* The person he is today is not the same person that hurt me as a young girl. I have considered the advice to be on my own, but he really is a different person now. I just don't know how to undo some damage that is in my heart and mind.
> 
> ...


One bit of advice. If you do nothing else, tell the 100% full truth to your therapist. Lying in anyway is going to skew the advice you get and will diminish what you can get out of the therapy.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Life'sGray28 said:


> So I don't think I'll be posting again. I was just trying to get some advice because I know the situation is not typical. I don't know how I feel about it entirely. I didn't even think it was that damaging until I started therapy. Some days it feels like I'm making excuses for myself having a rough childhood, other days I am broken and can't get out of bed. He isn't abusive. There is no violence in our relationship.
> 
> In anger after I told the truth he said he felt like I took 10 years of his life, but I feel as though I didn't get to really choose either. My childhood was stolen from me.
> But, I know what I did was wrong now and I try to focus on where I need to improve because that is all I can control.
> ...


I am very sorry you are so confused and hurt. But in honesty, I do not think you CAN get the proper therapy for yourself until you are honest with a therapist about exactly what happened, especially in regard to your age gap with your husband. A person does not have to be beaten to be abused. I do not think he could be prosecuted now, especially that you are married to him...unless it were you that decided to do so. But I think you should ask a therapist "what if" to make sure if you are concerned about the legal ramifications. How can you get real help without the real story?

I could tell your childhood was horrible and I'm absolutely heartbroken for all you've gone through. You are in my thoughts and prayers, but please just remember, the lesser of two evils does not make a savior.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Sixteen year old girls can be very mature. I know several


Okay. YOU are right and I am wrong. Satisfied? Jeesh!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Okay. YOU are right and I am wrong. Satisfied? Jeesh!


No, I've met many people that were right, but not satisfied.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@Life'sGray28 

I agree with the other posters that you need to be completely honest and forthcoming in therapy. That is the only way therapy CAN work. 

Trust me, the therapist has heard it all and heard far far worse than this. 

No one will get into trouble and no one will pursue any kind of legal action. 

Frankly, it would be quite difficult to take any significant legal action against a current 21 year old and 14 year old unless it somehow involved a student/teacher relationship or he was getting her drunk/drugs or aiding and abetting a runaway. 

If no hard evidence of some kind of duress or that it was forced or nonconsensual in the classic sense, it would be very hard to get any kind of meaningful criminal conviction. 

Immoral and unethical? Absolutely.

Illegal? Technically yes, but unless there was some kind of coercion, duress, force, aiding a runaway or some kind of position of power such as a teacher/counselor/clergy etc, no prosecuter would likely even take the case. 

If it all boils down to just dating consensually, it’s very hard to get a criminal conviction on a teenager even if she is technically under age by letter of the law. 

Now that you are an actual married adult that have been together for a dozen years without evidence of abuse or duress - this is just another garden variety marital and personal issue with flawed, fallible human beings to the therapist. 

Be open and honest and actually deal with the issues at hand. That is an adult taking responsibility and dealing with the cards that have been dealt. 

Otherwise if you lie and deceive and thwart the issues, then you are just another misfit that can’t straighten themselves out.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This is the guy who was 21 years old having sex with you when you were a 14 year old teenage girl.

Your affair is the least of this guy's problems.


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