# Wants to separate but is still living under the same roof????



## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

So I'm very confused in this aspect of what I am calling my nightmare.... my husband says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore....says we should separate but has no real reason or logic he has provided to me. This happened 4 days ago and he moved upstairs into one of the guest bedrooms, moved all his clothes from our closet up there too.... is that right? Do alot of you who choose to separate stay in the same household? After saying separation, he comes out with the "divorce" word....but still lives in "our" house? How am i supposed to handle this??


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

No idea... I filed for divorce, and H won't leave, so I'm in a similar situation, but not by choice. I'm here for my children. H and I work very different schedules, so we don't cross paths too much. I sleep with one of our kids right now. However, I ask H to move out about 10 times / week. He has options. He is claiming that his attorney is advising him to stay put, but we all know most people don't live together at this point. ugh.

Something is up with this "separation" though... Is there an affair going on?


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

I had to do it for 3 weeks and it was the worse 3 weeks of my life. For your sanity, if he is serious about the separation, one of you needs to go.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Go Ducks... I have asked him if there is someone else and he said no... he would not do that to me.

Everantisocial.... he hasn't said divorce in the last 2 days.... he did write today something alongs the lines that..." sorry this has gone this route and that he just thinks that separating is the only answer....


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

I know its a hard decision for you, but maybe its best to call his bluff. At the moment he is threatening you with divorce and separation while still having all the home comforts and you running around after him trying to predict his needs because you don't want to lose him.

I'm not saying its what you should do only an option, if he wants a separation give it to him, but then he needs to leave the home and leave you alone, let him really see what its like in the big bad world without you to support him.

I've just cut all contact with my ex and it is really really hard but I was sick of my stomach lurching every time the phone rang or feeling dread every time a car pulled up. I love my ex and want him back but also I know I'm not strong enough to deal with his games.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

I think my fear of telling him to move out is that he won't try to come back you know? I know its a lame way to think. He is game to seek counseling ( although he says he isn't going thinking we will reconcile 100% but he will go to get answers and clarity.) so i'm trying to slowly crack his shell a bit and get him to open up....

He tells me he wants to be civil and talk, but he is the one ignoring me when he gets home, he retreats to the upstairs bedroom and doesn't come down at all.

Once we start therapy if he is still pushing away and resisting I might put my foot down and tell him to screw off but right now I am still wishful thinking.....


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

I'm with you on that Shelly, my husband told me he had signed a lease on an apartment and he was moving out that coming weekend. The weekend came and went and he did not move out, the following weekend came and went and he still did not move out (we were still sharing a bed). He told our kids on a Tuesday that he was moving out that weekend and he did not move until two weeks later. I didn't want to push him out the door, just like you for fear he would not come back but knowing he was leaving was killing me. His reason for not moving out was that he did not have enough time to go and purchase the things he needed for his apartment. We own our own business and work together, I actually scheduled two days off for him on the calender so he could shop one day and move the next.

Now that he is living in his apartment, I hate it. I hate not waking up to him every morning. I hate not going to bed with him every night. I hate not seeing him walk in the door after work every day. I hate not seeing him play with the kids every day. Now I still do see him daily as we work together and he does come to the house several nights per week to see the kids but it is definately not the same.

I miss him so much it hurts!


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## love is messy (Sep 21, 2010)

I am in the same boat only no kids...its only been 3 days for me and im trying to come to terms and being on this site is kind of helping me out in terms of reasoning... how do you go 2 months??? I have a hard time with 3 days...I feel the more the days go by the more he has his heart set on divorce. The holidays are making me a mess too... I have no family here in CO...just friends, not too many of them as the hubby and I were each others best friends. ugh...any advice on going day by day? 



Hey there....read some of your other posts, sounds like you are still in the shock stage. I know when my husband came out and told me everything I was totally blindsided b/c I really didnt see it coming. Now i see that their was warning signs i just chose to ignore them. You asked me how can i go 2 months...well i think people can be a lot stronger than they ever thought possible. You basically are forced in to survival mode and will do whatever is takes not to completly lose it. But i cant imagine not having a support system, I'm sorry to hear that. I come from a very close family and they are all here where i live so i see them every week and they have been a big help. Also, what has helped me is just going online a doing research. Research anything and everything you can and it will help once you have a better understanding of what you are going through. I hope everything works out for you and your husband.


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## figuringitout (Oct 14, 2010)

I am with love is messy. I have been wandering through these posts myself. New to this site and separation. Being roomates while separated is tough. I did it for over a month and it was pretty tough. Forgive me if I missed this but are there children involved. It was very hard the day he moved out but now almost a month later I can say it's nice to not be walking around on eggshells and the kids witnessing such tension, even though we tried to keep it in check. It was obvious. Where do you find strength to push through? It's there. You can find it. Just get up everyday and remember you need to do this. Respect you and take care of you.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

thank you for the responses....no no kids, although I was really hoping to start a family next yr....but even a week after this went down, he isnt budging on his decision. I called our loan officer and looking into refinancing the house, putting it under my name, as he doesn't want it...and once i do that then kicking him out Today i have been furious....angry and wanting to punch everything in site.... it was rough....so I'm in hate mode.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I would just say to him I respect your decision and take care of the details of ending the marriage, separation agreement, financial and then tell him things are set he can go when he finds a place of his own, make sure you give him a date that this should happen by.....
Tell him you are disappointed in him and that it is just to difficult for you to live with a man that treats you with so much disrespect, he is probably in the middle of an affair and isn't thinking clearly because of the infatuation.........he won't tell you the truth, but when they are they are willing to give up everthing and everyone to keep the affair going.......
Respect yourself, you are the only one that you can count on and the only one to keep your best interests at heart........


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