# Considering Separation - I can no longer give 200%



## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

I'm just here to tell my story and get some general advice.

I have been married to my husband for 10 years this December. He is 35 and I am 29. 

I have an older child I had from a previous relationship - she is 12 and this is her "dad", even though she has regular visitation with her real dad as well. We also have a 6 year old son together. 

Our marriage has deteriorated severely over the past severaly years - I would say especially over the past two years. I would like a separation and have asked for one several times. Neither of us is having an affair. We are both finishing our PhD's in our respective fields; we are both attending school full time. However, I have continued to work full time in the medical field because I have been supporting us. I find that to be very stressful and I have asked for him to step up to the plate and find employment to help out. He will not do so. 

My husband started out a year ahead of me and should have been done by now with his PhD - and should be out teaching. He is not. He is taking his leisurely time. I have begged, pleaded, and even helped him apply for jobs in our area since he is past his comprehensive examinations. He is not applying to jobs consistently. Therefore, I am still forced to work full time in my field (stressful!), take full time coursework, as well as teach assist in my PhD program. I feel like my family life suffers. I want to see my kids. I hate it. 

In the meantime, he is past comps, is working slowly on his dissertation (did I mention he should be done?) and if he gets assigned a class to teach, only works about 6-9 hours outside the house each week. He spends loads of time with the kids - time I would love to have. He also does not like to do housework or the things I do not have time to do, but will do them when I ask him to do them. 

In regard to work load - this was not something I signed up for. When we got engaged and married, he worked full time. We both finished our master's together, staggering the workload - and it was reasonably pleasant. We even had a child during that time. And when we did both go to school - he continued to work full time. This working part time, staying home with the kids and just hanging around, doing nothing thing has just been in the past few years._ I hate it._ My job is extremely demanding and I feel like it is very imbalanced that I have to come home and miss so much - and sometimes, if he misses things, pick up slack around the house. I am resentful. I am not perfect. I want to come home and just see my husband and kids because I am so tired. But I get home to a husband who has literally played video games all day and it makes me angry. 

Second has to do with our family "makeup". I had my first daughter when I was a teenager, and then my son in my early 20's. Since then I was diagnosed with both PCOS and worse - endometriosis. I was told at one point that I needed a hysterectomy because of the endometriosis (I declined). I got my butt in gear and lost a ton of weight (PCOS treatment #1!!), and we have been doing rounds of medication and laproscopic surgery trying to address the endometrial lesions. Even with that, I want another baby someday. I'm not old. I _wanted _another baby with my husband. I'm not even sure where that is going. We discussed it before I started my PhD program, and his reply was to just "wait a while." So, I went ahead and started my PhD program. I still want to have another child. The rejection still hurts. And everytime I go to the doc and it is brought up, I'm given a bleaker outlook each and every time. 

So, with regards to that - I'm still waiting. I'm not sure what he is waiting for, because we own our own home (which I pay for), both our cars are paid off (which I paid for), and we are very financially stable because of my career. I'm lucky that I went to school in a lucrative field because he isn't doing - well, much of anything. And nothing has changed. And as I said, the rejection hurts and it still does. Even though I should be over it, I'm not. I still want to have another baby someday, even though now I know that I would be even more overwhelmed because of all of my commitments. But now I'm not even sure that I want to continue my current family situation with him. 

I think the final straw for me, and when I decided I really wanted to separate, was when we went on a family vacation. My son and I got lost from my husband and daughter. Because I thought that the golden rule was always "when you get lost, go to the last place you saw each other and stay there" - we stayed in 1 place waiting for them to backtrack and find us. For over an hour. We used other people's cell phones trying to call my husband and my cell (because my husband had it). My husband didn't pick up the calls because "he didn't recognize the number". Finally, I gave up (this was after dark and after the firework show) and we were directed to a town square type place - and my husband and daughter were there. That lead to him cussing me out - the f-word and all - screaming at me for all of the guests and children. And when I say screaming, I mean screaming. And it continued all the way out the park gates. It continued as we walked through the park, back to our resort. Then, in the car - he hit me. He was raging angry with me because I told him that he should have gone back to the last place he saw us, which was where we had gotten our picture taken. Instead, DD says they walked all over the park trying to find us. I cried and cried when he hit me - I didn't expect it. I told him I wanted a divorce that night, right there in the car when he hit me. My daughter was in the car and crying too and told me that I "deserved it" and to please not tell that to daddy. It felt awful and I decided at that time that I couldn't live like that - letting my daughter think that her stepfather deserved to hit her mother. 

Anyway, here we are. He still doesn't have a job and really isn't trying, except for the past week when I have told him that I need him to apply for jobs. I told him that I'm lonely and that I want out. We have gone to marriage counseling since the fall of 2012 and the counselor has asked him to do things such as take me out for regular date nights or relationship building activities - and in return, my husband hasn't done any of it at all. Everything we have done (up until the trip - which I also planned) were activities planned by me, including the childcare, tickets, and reservations. 

I just can't do it anymore. I'm not going to say I have been perfect. I have been angry and short tempered. I have been resentful. But I also want someone who makes more effort - I have been giving 200% for so long, and I have missed out on so much, that I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to be the main household support and that isn't what I married into. I also want to have another baby and have a larger family, and if he is not on board with that, then I feel that it is a valid reason for separation and divorce. Overall - I just want to have someone who makes effort and someone who respects me. A bonus would be someone who really appreciates the effort I am putting out, because I'm really, really struggling right now. But a spouse that puts forth a lot of effort would be great and might be a better match. I wouldn't be where I am today (as a teen mom) if I didn't give everything I do 200% - but I am starting to wear out. I just can't do it anymore. 

I want to love him but I can't anymore. I feel like I am doing everything right. I look 200% better than I did on our wedding day, I make myself very attractive and I try to meet his needs. I support our family. In return, I just want his respect and for him to support me too. But I am just not there anymore - and I am not sure I can get it back. I have asked him and told him that I would like a separation after he obtains a job (since I am the only one supporting us - he could never afford the household himself, or probably on the salary he will get with a teaching job). He will probably need to move out of our place and get a smaller place to accommodate his salary. He told me tonight that he would finally move to the spare bedroom - which is a huge, huge relief to me. 

The only reason I haven't done this sooner and instead went to MC was because of the kids. The MC (who I also see as my IC) is very pro-marriage and still thinks I should try to work it out (as of our last visit, when I discussed this alone with him). I finally pulled the plug on my husband coming to family based counseling sessions when my husband started using information shared during counseling to fight with me at home - basically, that I'm flawed because I am in counseling. It hurt. 

I feel like I'm flushing 12 years of my life and 10 years of marriage down the tubes. I worry about my kids more than myself overall - what if they hate me because I decided to pull the trigger? How will they adjust? I'm really worried about my 12 year old - she really does love my husband as her dad. 

I think that is it. I'm not saying he is a bad person. I'm not saying he is evil. I'm saying we are not good together and that I am not happy. I'm sorry in advance for the rambling.


----------



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

I am so sad to hear you are going through this. I am sad that your title isn't "Considering Separation - Because my Husband Hit Me." This isn't about you giving enough or not. This is unacceptable behavior, and in front of your impressionable daughter? You need to do what's best for you and her. There is no excuse, no reason, no circumstance in which your husband is justified in hitting you. I hope you find the strength and self love to move on and teach your daughter a lesson in self respect. Good luck and be strong and courageous.


----------



## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

JeepGirl,

Toothfairy nailed it. It is NEVER acceptable for a man to hit a woman. It is NEVER acceptable for him to yell at you and drop the "f-bomb" in a children's amusement park. You are evidently a driven, well-adjusted woman. Recognize this situation for what it is: abusive. The fact that your daughter witnessed what he did to you, and thought it was okay is a HUGE red flag. If this behavior continues, she will likely grow up believing it's okay. That way, when her future significant other socks her in the jaw, that will be okay, as well. If you don't have the strength to get out for your own well-being, do it for your daughter's sake. Yes, it will be a difficult adjustment, but you have to remember that you can't allow her to believe that abuse is normal or acceptable.

Clearly, you don't need him in your life in order to be successful. You are already doing everything. You have nothing to lose, at this point, except what appears to be dead weight. Sorry if I sound a bit bitter. I suppose I'm in a slightly similar situation. There is happiness on the other side. If he EVER hits you again... call the police. Period.

Blessings,
Mattsmom


----------



## LosingButStillFighting (Oct 25, 2009)

He had NO business hitting. In almost 23 years, I have never raised my hand to my wife, no matter what.

The other ladies have it dead on, you've more than held up your end of any bargain.

I agree you need to find someone who will appreciate and respect you. I hope the best for you.


----------



## Logitex (Jul 5, 2013)

Ill be honest with you.. I was with your husband up until you said he hit you. (Ill save my thoughts because i dont think they are relevant anymore) You sounded like a demanding pushy wife to be honest. EVEN if that was true no one is suppose to hit you. PERIOD. That is actually pretty dangerous. 

Then I was done when he said "He hit me" 

Ive been plenty mad at my wife. Ive never called her names and Ive NEVER EVER hit her and I NEVER would. 

So for me.. the "nuclear" button is pressed. There is no putting that missile back in the silo.


----------



## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

ToothFairy said:


> I am so sad to hear you are going through this. I am sad that your title isn't "Considering Separation - Because my Husband Hit Me." This isn't about you giving enough or not. This is unacceptable behavior, and in front of your impressionable daughter? You need to do what's best for you and her. There is no excuse, no reason, no circumstance in which your husband is justified in hitting you. I hope you find the strength and self love to move on and teach your daughter a lesson in self respect. Good luck and be strong and courageous.


Well, it makes me sad too. We have been together a long time and he never has gone to that. He was so angry with me - I have never seen him like that before. It sucked and hurt - a lot more emotionally than the actual hit. 




mattsmom said:


> JeepGirl,
> 
> Toothfairy nailed it. It is NEVER acceptable for a man to hit a woman. It is NEVER acceptable for him to yell at you and drop the "f-bomb" in a children's amusement park. You are evidently a driven, well-adjusted woman. Recognize this situation for what it is: abusive. The fact that your daughter witnessed what he did to you, and thought it was okay is a HUGE red flag. If this behavior continues, she will likely grow up believing it's okay. That way, when her future significant other socks her in the jaw, that will be okay, as well. If you don't have the strength to get out for your own well-being, do it for your daughter's sake. Yes, it will be a difficult adjustment, but you have to remember that you can't allow her to believe that abuse is normal or acceptable.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I'm just trying to reconcile the fact that we had many years where I feel that our relationship was good and pretty healthy. I'm really sad that it has spiraled out of control like it has. 



LosingButStillFighting said:


> He had NO business hitting. In almost 23 years, I have never raised my hand to my wife, no matter what.
> 
> The other ladies have it dead on, you've more than held up your end of any bargain.
> 
> I agree you need to find someone who will appreciate and respect you. I hope the best for you.


Thanks. I don't think anyone should hit anyone. 



Logitex said:


> Ill be honest with you.. I was with your husband up until you said he hit you. (Ill save my thoughts because i dont think they are relevant anymore) You sounded like a demanding pushy wife to be honest. EVEN if that was true no one is suppose to hit you. PERIOD. That is actually pretty dangerous.
> 
> Then I was done when he said "He hit me"
> 
> ...


Like I said - I am not perfect. I _have_ been demanding - I ask for a lot. Because I have been working more and he has been working outside the home less, I have asked for more out of him at home. I'm not sure that I have done it in the best way, but I have tried to be better through all the things we have talked about in MC. I don't know if my asking him to help out at home has stressed him - I know that this is not a role he has wanted; like I said, I don't want it either. But he hasn't done much to get a job outside the home or make progress on finishing his degree at the same time. 

But regarding the hitting and the screaming - I can't take that behavior from him, and it just isn't like him - at least, the husband I married. The tension between us has just escalated and escalated, and he finally acted out towards me in that manner. It is like a body snatcher came and took the person I married. He used to be so laid back! But the changes have been happening for quite some time, and with the whole vacation thing... I don't think we can go backward. I mean, my kids saw it, and to hear my daughter say what she did broke my heart. I hate to even think about it because it is rehashing it, but then I think then maybe it is rug sweeping if I don't go ahead and take action (like filing for divorce). 

5 years ago if someone would have said he would have behaved like this, I would have never believed it.

I wish there was a step by step process for filing for divorce too. It seems so complicated. I don't know how people do it.


----------



## Cryingmisfit (Jun 25, 2013)

I read your post last night but was too absorbed in my own stuff to reply.
First, I only wish I had your education. Life would be so different for me. I think if I was physically able to financially raise my children, I would have left long ago.

Regardless of that, love hurts bad when it deteriorates. I wish I could give you advice but I have no idea where my life is going. As it is, we had discussed saying nothing to the boys but my ****head husband couldn't resist. So now at some point I am going to have to talk to them. 

The more I think about this, you should kick his ass out! Be done with him. He's not acting like a loving responsible husband and father, or man for that matter. 
I wish there was a law of punishment for men who beat women that they would have to have the crap beat out of them by someone who is double their size, maybe break some ribs, nose..... That seems fair to me.

Maybe we can comfort each other during these difficult times.

BTW, so sorry for typos, nails too long with ipad mini doesn't work well.

As we say in yoga mitraH (friend) terms
Metta (in love & kindness)


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

How is staying in an abusive relationship helping your kids? Staying in that type of marriage/relationship is probably going to do them more harm in the long run than good.

And I'm confused, your daughter was saying you deserved to be hit? Or she was saying you deserve to divorce him for someone better? Whichever way she meant it that should be proof enough that your marriage is doing your kids irreparable harm.

Having 2 parents co-existing in the same home does not automatically mean it's in the best interest of the children. I don't understand why people just seem to assume that. I'm not trying to pile on or anything but honestly the environment that the 2 of you provide for them sounds toxic. Not sure why you'd want to hold onto that, for their sake or yours.


----------



## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

Cryingmisfit said:


> I read your post last night but was too absorbed in my own stuff to reply.
> First, I only wish I had your education. Life would be so different for me. I think if I was physically able to financially raise my children, I would have left long ago.
> 
> Regardless of that, love hurts bad when it deteriorates. I wish I could give you advice but I have no idea where my life is going. As it is, we had discussed saying nothing to the boys but my ****head husband couldn't resist. So now at some point I am going to have to talk to them.
> ...


No worries. Thanks for your post and the encouragement. We have a lot in common. 




Jasel said:


> How is staying in an abusive relationship helping your kids? Staying in that type of marriage/relationship is probably going to do them more harm in the long run than good.
> 
> And I'm confused, your daughter was saying you deserved to be hit? Or she was saying you deserve to divorce him for someone better? Whichever way she meant it that should be proof enough that your marriage is doing your kids irreparable harm.
> 
> Having 2 parents co-existing in the same home does not automatically mean it's in the best interest of the children. I don't understand why people just seem to assume that. I'm not trying to pile on or anything but honestly the environment that the 2 of you provide for them sounds toxic. Not sure why you'd want to hold onto that, for their sake or yours.


My daughter was crying and telling me that I deserved to be hit during the time her dad was yelling at me and when it occurred. I immediately told my husband I did not deserve that, and she said that I did because we were fighting. She also told me not to tell her dad that I wanted a divorce. She was very upset and tearful. She was concerned and crying and saying "I won't get to see my dad" (this is her stepdad) and asking us to please stop. It is really disturbing to me. I agree with what you said above. 

I would rather my kids be in a healthy environment where there is no fighting than a two parent household where all we do is fight and it is toxic. It is just hard because this is a change - our relationship didn't always used to be like this. The only thing I can say is that when I brought it up in MC he did seem remorseful. I'm not sure if that is because it was in front of another person or what. Maybe I should take it as remorse and not read more into it. But it is a pretty big breach of trust to me.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

In hindsight, yelling that you wanted a divorce in front of your daughter was a bad idea. Yes, I totally get that you were hysterical, and that him hitting you, especially in front of her, was wrong, but she reacted to the D word. I hope you have had a real discussion with her about things since then. I know that struck you in the heart, and may be adding to your reluctance to end things, but kids do adjust, and are so much better off with happy parents. 

I feel bad for your whole situation, I was tired just reading about all you do every day. I dont know what your H's problem is, but he seems to be enjoying letting you do all the work. Start making your exit plan. Start by getting your finances in order, get your own accounts if you only have joint ones. Start making copies of all your legal documents, etc. Find an attorney, and they can help you with the next steps. You are not flushing 12 years by ending things. That part of your life has played itself out, and you are moving forward to the next phase for your own happiness and the well being of your kids. Him hitting you should be your dealbreaker.


----------



## Cryingmisfit (Jun 25, 2013)

I know things aren't as simple as we would like, but it definitely is not OK that he hit you and did it in front of your children. 

You are an educated woman and know better. You have and still do work hard in all areas of your life to provide a good stable life.

What happened to your husband? That is the question? You both seemed to have the same "life" plan. 

Something is going on for it to escalate to the point of him hitting you. That says more about him. 

You need to definitely talk with your daughter too. 

I'm really at a loss for comfort words. It enrages me to think he t
Feels that is acceptable. Chances are very high it could happen again. You are smart, you know this fact.

Hey, if you ever need a private ear, I'm here. I work from my home office so I'm very available.


Remember this word "metta"


----------



## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

MrsDraper,

One night after I had gone to bed early to be alone and cry, my husband sent our 9-year-old son into the bedroom. When he saw me crying, he got upset, so I went into the living room for a "family meeting." That's when my dear husband explained to him that all couples have arguments and that he didn't have anything to worry about, because we would be married forever... "Right, Mom?" I was furious!  At that point, I explained to him that Daddy was right. He didn't have anything to worry about, because he would always have a Mommy and Daddy that love him, no matter what.

Since that conversation about a month and a half ago, I have sat down with our son, again. We talked about how sometimes you make promises that you really want to keep, but things happen that make it impossible. After that, we talked about how his father and I both love him very much, and that sometimes it's better to have two parents that are happy but don't live together than it is to have two parents that live together and argue all the time. We talked about how arguing hurts everybody in the house, even if they're not involved in the argument. 

Now, I'm not the perfect parent, by any stretch of the imagination, but I believe that open communication prevents so many issues down the road. I hope that if you haven't already had a conversation with your daughter about what happened and where things stand, that you do so soon. In your conversation, you should be sure to let her know that it is never okay to hit. You certainly don't want her to grow up and think that she somehow "deserved it" when her date hits her.

Blessings,
mattsmom


----------



## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

MrsDraper, so sorry to hear your story. Others have said, and I will echo, hitting you was totally out of line and reason enough to leave. Your daughter thinking you deserved it is a HUGE red flag.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I don't know if it has been asked, but after that night when he hit you, how did things proceed from there? Did he come back later and apologize? Has he ever admitted, and I mean seriously over-the-top monumentally acknowledged that what he did was wrong in the worst way and apologized/pleaded for your forgiveness? If he hasn't, then yeah this is a bad, bad situation.

Quick story. On my wedding day, the last piece of "advice" that my father-in-law gave to my wife that day was, "Remember, if he ever hits you, he can change. If he hits you twice, he'll never change." In some ways I suppose that is wise advice. In other ways, it seems grossly inappropriate advice for your daughter before she walks down the aisle.

So I immediately thought back to his words there, and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if he is right. Of course I have never hit my wife or even called her a foul name or anything, and I can't imagine I ever will. But I could imagine a scenario where I guy loses control and hits his wife, then realizes what he has done and that becomes his "wake up call" that he needs to make some changes in himself and never does it again. Of course, I can just as easily see it not phasing him a bit and things go down a much darker path.

The dude is lazy and has lost sight of what he has in you. He probably has no idea how far it has gone and how close he is to losing his family. Of course, you'll probably argue that you've done everything you can to make that clear, but men and women communicate so differently that I wouldn't be surprised if he really believes that this is just a phase, or isn't a big deal, or chalking it up to something else in your life like stress, school, work, etc. and that he just needs to be supportive and let it work itself out. My guess is that his offer to move into another room is just part of a view that he needs to ride this out and give in a little bit in order for you to get "through it". If he was taking the things you are saying seriously, I bet he'd be far more active in getting his financial situation secured or putting maximum effort into figuring out where he has gone wrong and correcting those.

The fact that he doesn't seem to be too concerned about this is what tells me that he really does not have any idea that you are prepared to move to the divorce phase. Regardless of how you have tried to relay the direness of the situation, he either hasn't believed you or dismissed it in some way. Either way, he needs a wake up call. It needs to be made crystal clear to him that the marriage is on it's way to divorce court. Not that you are just thinking about it, or threatening it, or that this is just some female drama bomb that will pass, but that it WILL be happening if nothing changes FAST. 

I'm really truly convinced that he does not realize that this has "gotten real". We see it all the time here on TAM. A man posts a thread saying, "OMG, MY WIFE JUST SAID SHE WANTS A DIVORCE. THIS CAME OUT OF NOWHERE! I MEAN, THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN GREAT FOR A WHILE, BUT I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS THIS BAD?!" Then women will post threads saying, "OMG, I'M DONE WITH THIS MARRIAGE. I'VE TRIED AND TRIED AND TRIED TO GET THROUGH TO HIM, BUT HE WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING AND I DON'T THINK HE EVER WILL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO, SO I'M DONE." Those two typical posters might as well be married to each other, as it seems pretty common that the wife has trouble communicating how miserable she has become and that she's ready to pull the plug, while he falls into a rut of either not believing her, dismissing her, or not even understanding her at all if she tries to communicate as if he is a female as women so often tend to do. (We men understand firm direct communication only ladies. Passive-Aggressive nonsense just bounces off us)

I think if you were to file for divorce or publicly announce that the marriage is over, he'd react with shock. He NEEDS that kind of wake up call, but I wouldn't suggest doing it that way. You might consider sitting him down and firmly, directly stating as plainly as you can that the existing state of your marriage is UNACCEPTABLE. That you are not happy and have tried to communicate that to him repeatedly and on multiple occasions. Have a written list of the areas in which you feel he has failed in his responsibilities despite your attempts to help him change. Him striking you, especially in front of your children, was especially unacceptable and you will not allow it to ever happen again. That you are demanding an immediate separation with conditions that you will have prepared in writing. (Do be open to compromise on some things if they aren't deal breakers) You have not firmly decided yet on divorce, but if he does not agree to the separation then that will make the decision for you.

From that introduction, you can engage in a conversation. I bet he'll be shocked to the core and maybe a little panicked. As far as your preparation, have that list of areas where he has failed but keep it as short as possible, limited to the major stuff. No "Doesn't put the toilet seat down" or "doesn't hang up his towels after use" no matter how many times you've told him to. Keep it to things like, "Refuses to find employment" or "Doesn't take responsibility for household chores while unemployed" or "Dismissive of my need to have another child and my limited time/ability to do so" or "Failure to follow through on commitments." Etc.

Regarding the separation, draw up a proposed separation contract. This would include rules regarding:
1. Living Arrangements - Where will he live in the meantime?
2. Financial Obligations - Who pays what, how money is split temporarily.
3. Parenting - Who will have the kids and when/where.
4. Contact - When and how often will you be allowed contact with each other.
5. Extramarital Relations - Will you be allowed to date others or not? (It needs addressed. But if you want your marriage to have a chance, you have to ban any form of extramarital relations, seriously)
6. Therapy Schedule - When will you meet, either alone or with a therapist to try to solve issues.
7. List of expectations - This can be anything like you expecting that he find a job, any job, quickly. Or that you will both keep to the current schedule of picking up the kids from school. Or who you will both be allowed to share details of your new relationship status with. (Most of this should stay privately between you and him and maybe a couple of pre-selected close friends who are willing to help support you both) Etc.

I hope this has helped. I hope you haven't given up fully yet either. I'll finish by saying that if you do hire a lawyer, that will probably spell the end of the marriage. When that happens, people tend to get defensive and will not be capable of being vulnerable enough to do what needs done to save the marriage. So don't go that route until you have accepted that it is over.


----------



## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

:iagree:

Talk to him. Let him know what's at stake, even if you have a glimmer of saving things.


----------

