# Is this an emotional affair, physical or a friendship?



## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Hello, at the early stages of our relationship 18 years ago my wife met a guy when she was at work. She kept telling me about him and I had some strange feelings about that and I always told her maybe she would stop talking with him, she many times said ok I will stop. 5 months ago I saw that she had him in her phone as a female contact, and I discovered some old emails where she sent him pics of her saying I'm thinking of you, kiss you.

She said there was love at first sight between them back then but she chose me. I’m very confuse right now as she doesn’t want to discuss about that saying I make a big deal out of nothing. She lied about the amount of the time they talked on the phone as I found out from the phone records. I’ve talked with both of them and they were very defensive and irritated. What to do know?

She says I cannot forgive, how should I forgive If I don’t have enough information or without her efforts to help me. She even said it’s already been 5 months since you discovered can you get over it already?

I’m confused right now, insecure…don’t know what to do. I think I don’t know the past and I’m afraid of the future. She doesn’t want us to get professional help she says it’s nothing and I feel her less close to me. I cannot say her anything., we only talk about general stuff and have sex.

Thank you


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She was cheating on you and judging by her response to your questions she still is. 
You don’t say whether or not you have children but I know divorce is very easy in Romania if there’s no kids involved. 
Maybe let your wife know this. Also consider if your wife’s boyfriend is married or in a marriage and let his partner know.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. The fact she tried to hide him in her contacts, screams guilt. No straight man that I've ever met would keep a purely emotional affair going for that length of time.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

bsoare said:


> Hello, at the early stages of our relationship 18 years ago my wife met a guy when she was at work. She kept telling me about him and I had some strange feelings about that and I always told her maybe she would stop talking with him, she many times said ok I will stop. 5 months ago I saw that she had him in her phone as a female contact, and I discovered some old emails where she sent him pics of her saying I'm thinking of you, kiss you.
> 
> She said there was love at first sight between them back then but she chose me. I’m very confuse right now as she doesn’t want to discuss about that saying I make a big deal out of nothing. She lied about the amount of the time they talked on the phone as I found out from the phone records. I’ve talked with both of them and they were very defensive and irritated. What to do know?
> 
> ...


When she says that she choose you, it means that he dropped her and moved on.
If he's being defensive, it got physical. You can almost be sure of that. 
No guy sticks around unless he's going to get some.
The fact that she kept him in her phone is telling. She has good memories of their relationship.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s a little unclear… was all of this a long time ago or did you find something recent besides the contact in her phone?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Sorry to say @bsoare but I agree with other people here.
You wife is not yours alone. And may have never been.
She started the affair 18 years ago and is still with him. You can bet it is not just emotional.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I could understand if she still had him in her contacts from 18 years ago. But the truth is that people really didn't have smartphones back then. His contact info was added recently and it's more disturbing that she concealed his name.

Did you confront her about her lies related to the number of phone calls? Ask her directly why she felt the need to conceal his name and lie about the amount of contact she's had with him. Ask her what else she's lied about.



bsoare said:


> She says I cannot forgive...


Was there ever an actual apology for either lie?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheaters lie a lot. That’s all you’re getting. Having him in her phone as a female is an old cheater trick. She’s kept him there for a reason. Check your phone bills for data to and from his number. 
It was probably a physical affair. If he’s married inform his wife. Talking to him or your wife will get you nothing. It’s a waste of time. 
Your wife is a cake eater. She’s in love with her affair partner not you.


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I could understand if she still had him in her contacts from 18 years ago. But the truth is that people really didn't have smartphones back then. His contact info was added recently and it's more disturbing that she concealed his name.
> 
> Did you confront her about her lies related to the number of phone calls? Ask her directly why she felt the need to conceal his name and lie about the amount of contact she's had with him. Ask her what else she's lied about.
> 
> ...


Apology only once.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

bsoare said:


> Hello, at the early stages of our relationship 18 years ago my wife met a guy when she was at work. She kept telling me about him and I had some strange feelings about that and I always told her maybe she would stop talking with him, she many times said ok I will stop. 5 months ago I saw that she had him in her phone as a female contact, and I discovered some old emails where she sent him pics of her saying I'm thinking of you, kiss you.
> 
> She said there was love at first sight between them back then but she chose me. I’m very confuse right now as she doesn’t want to discuss about that saying I make a big deal out of nothing. She lied about the amount of the time they talked on the phone as I found out from the phone records. I’ve talked with both of them and they were very defensive and irritated. What to do know?
> 
> ...


They are a FWB and you are a back up plan, a wallet nothing more. _ 
"I cannot say her anything., we only talk about general stuff and have sex."_

Of course they are defensive. Neither your wife or the other man want the sex to end. They are still involved with each other. Adults have unprotected sex during affairs. They aren't just talking. She hasn't been hiding him as a female contact without reason.


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Cheaters lie a lot. That’s all you’re getting. Having him in her phone as a female is an old cheater trick. She’s kept him there for a reason. Check your phone bills for data to and from his number.
> It was probably a physical affair. If he’s married inform his wife. Talking to him or your wife will get you nothing. It’s a waste of time.
> Your wife is a cake eater. She’s in love with her affair partner not you.


It's really hard.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jeez, you are possibly getting some REALLY BAD ADVICE here^.

all the facts support is they are friends and talk on the phone from time to time.

there is not any evidence that they had phsyical sex. Maybe if you uncovered some past text messages it would become clear one way or the other. but no, there is no reason for you to consider divorcing her for cheating on you, because you have not found any evidence, nor gotten a confession from her.


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> jeez, you are possibly getting some REALLY BAD ADVICE here^.
> 
> all the facts support is they are friends and talk on the phone from time to time.
> 
> there is not any evidence that they had phsyical sex. Maybe if you uncovered some past text messages it would become clear one way or the other. but no, there is no reason for you to consider divorcing her for cheating on you, because you have not found any evidence, nor gotten a confession from her.


When I asked her if it was sex she told me "if it makes you feel better, it was". What should I understand?


Talker67 said:


> jeez, you are possibly getting some REALLY BAD ADVICE here^.
> 
> all the facts support is they are friends and talk on the phone from time to time.
> 
> there is not any evidence that they had phsyical sex. Maybe if you uncovered some past text messages it would become clear one way or the other. but no, there is no reason for you to consider divorcing her for cheating on you, because you have not found any evidence, nor gotten a confession from her.


When I asked if it was sex she told me, "if it makes you feel good, yes it was" what should I understand?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

bsoare said:


> It's really hard.


To be fair, the bad news you're getting here is very probably accurate. Reponses are based on real life experiences over a long period of time. However, it's not 100% certain that your wife is having an affair. You need to take steps to get to the truth. VAR, tracker, lie detector, etc. There are many ways to do your homework and satisfy yourself that she is, in fact, cheating.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You only need enough information for yourself. This isn’t a court of law where you have to have concrete evidence.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

bsoare said:


> It's really hard.


Yes, the facts usually are.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> jeez, you are possibly getting some REALLY BAD ADVICE here^.
> 
> all the facts support is they are friends and talk on the phone from time to time.
> 
> there is not any evidence that they had phsyical sex. Maybe if you uncovered some past text messages it would become clear one way or the other. but no, there is no reason for you to consider divorcing her for cheating on you, because you have not found any evidence, nor gotten a confession from her.


Since when do friends need to be hidden in their contacts under the opposite sex?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

bobert said:


> Since when do friends need to be hidden in their contacts under the opposite sex?


even that might just be she is a little embarassed to keep talking with him, and tries to hide it. it does not mean they had wild kinky physical sex for the last 18 years!


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

well from where I am at, there can be no reconciliation unless the truth is out first. Give her the opportunity to express her version of events fully, and you can tell her that she shouldn't fear any reaction from you. So that first you can have the facts, only when you know fully what all has happened can you take steps (Whatever they maybe) to either rebuild or jettison.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> even that might just be she is a little embarassed to keep talking with him, and tries to hide it. it does not mean they had wild kinky physical sex for the last 18 years!


No, she's doing it to hide something - their relationship. Have they been screwing for 18 years? That's unclear, but the friendship is inappropriate at best.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

bobert said:


> No, she's doing it to hide something - their relationship. Have they been screwing for 18 years? That's unclear, but the friendship is inappropriate at best.


HIDING the relationship is certainly suspect.
but i am not of the camp that declares "you can never have a friend of the opposite sex".
People who think that have never been in business, where you have to cultivate friendships and mentors all thru your career. A woman who never made a single opposite-sex friend in business would be going NOWHERE in the corporate structure. Talk about an impenetrable glass ceiling!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> HIDING the relationship is certainly suspect.
> but i am not of the camp that declares "you can never have a friend of the opposite sex".
> People who think that have never been in business, where you have to cultivate friendships and mentors all thru your career. A woman who never made a single friend in business would be going NOWHERE in the corporate structure. Talk about an impenetrable glass ceiling!


There is a big difference between openly having opposite friends, and hiding opposite friends under a different name. 

My phone is full of (work-related) texts and calls from women. All of whom are in my contacts under their given name, not William or Greg.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Wow, so she has been betraying you for your whole marriage. We’ve had many LTA threads but 18 years? Do you have children? If so, you better be sure they’re yours.

Asking her and the guy will not get you anything until you find the hard evidence and even then, we’ve had threads where the wayward is still denying. That your wife doesn’t even care to deny that there was sex should be enough but I suspect you want harder evidence than a pic she sent him saying she misses him and wants to kiss him. You should get a hold of her old phones. You will get a lot of info that way.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

I would trust your gut. Mine has been right 90% of the time. I think it is suspicious she has his number hidden. My husband met someone on a social site from another country in 2017 and continued with her in 2018. Never met spent over 10 grand on her. Then he said it was over. I find out now he started talking to her since New Years. I thought it was crazy when he asked to separate last week. I felt like something was off the past 2 month. I did some snooping and found her on instagram. She posted a picture of her and a girl next to a statue that is from where we live. So it makes sense now that she’s in town he’s asking for the separation. From being on here it made me realize cheaters lie. Sorry about your situation. It’s so so hard.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> HIDING the relationship is certainly suspect.
> but i am not of the camp that declares "you can never have a friend of the opposite sex".
> People who think that have never been in business, where you have to cultivate friendships and mentors all thru your career. A woman who never made a single opposite-sex friend in business would be going NOWHERE in the corporate structure. Talk about an impenetrable glass ceiling!


OP is here for a reason... he knows her behavior is shady, or suspicious. He feels like he's being lied to.

You're right...he doesn't have video proof of PIV.
But the mountain of experience on TAM would overwhelming suggest that his wife is up to no good.

The extent of that 'no good' could be debated, however, an 18year friendship that is hidden from the spouse would seem to suggest something more intimate is occurring or has occurred.
She even 'confessed' of a sort.
My WW did the same thing..."oh yea fine, we did if it makes you happy". They did. It didn't make me happy.

Again...the experience of the betrayed here will suggest that this wife/OM relationship is far from innocent, including physical relations.

Could we be wrong? Yep.
Would I bet my savings on TAM being right? Yep.


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Supermom24 said:


> I would trust your gut. Mine has been right 90% of the time. I think it is suspicious she has his number hidden. My husband met someone on a social site from another country in 2017 and continued with her in 2018. Never met spent over 10 grand on her. Then he said it was over. I find out now he started talking to her since New Years. I thought it was crazy when he asked to separate last week. I felt like something was off the past 2 month. I did some snooping and found her on instagram. She posted a picture of her and a girl next to a statue that is from where we live. So it makes sense now that she’s in town he’s asking for the separation. From being on here it made me realize cheaters lie. Sorry about your situation. It’s so so hard.


Thank you very much, I cannot understand now why is the need of all of this? If you don't love somebody why don't you leave? Why the betrayal?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

[QUO


bsoare said:


> Thank you very much, I cannot understand now why is the need of all of this? If you don't love somebody why don't you leave? Why the betrayal?


Women like to stay in secure relationships. Men they have affairs with are not secure relationships. So, she will have an affair with him and have dinner and duty sex with you.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

18 years is common.

my wife has a ton of business friends. she will say something like "hey i just heard from fred, he is retired down in FL and says we should visit if we are ever in the area".
i say "WHO is FRED???".
and she says, "oh you met him once at the christmas party at company X. he is the guy with the huge wine cellar....." and i vaguelly remember him.

i do not immediately say "OMG, SHE MUST HAVE BEEN CHEATING WITH HIM!!!"
Instead i think "well, just another one of the hundreds of business contacts my wife had over her career".


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> 18 years is common.
> 
> my wife has a ton of business friends. she will say something like "hey i just heard from fred, he is retired down in FL and says we should visit if we are ever in the area".
> i say "WHO is FRED???".
> ...


Has your wife put these contacts under female names so you'd never know they were male?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Has your wife put these contacts under female names so you'd never know they were male?


And been defensive when asking about it?
And said "yea we did" when asking about an affair?
Details matter.

My wife has male friends she's known her whole life too.
There's zero suspicious behavior around them.

OPs situation is not that.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You never answered the question…
Are we talking about them being together a long time ago and now finding contact in her phone?
Did something recently happen? Recent red flags?
The sex they had was when ?????

You said “early in relationship”. You didn’t say dating , engaged, or married????

Which is it ????


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bsoare said:


> Hello, at the early stages of our relationship 18 years ago my wife met a guy when she was at work. She kept telling me about him and I had some strange feelings about that and I always told her maybe she would stop talking with him, she many times said ok I will stop. 5 months ago I saw that she had him in her phone as a female contact, and I discovered some old emails where she sent him pics of her saying I'm thinking of you, kiss you.
> 
> She said there was love at first sight between them back then but she chose me. I’m very confuse right now as she doesn’t want to discuss about that saying I make a big deal out of nothing. She lied about the amount of the time they talked on the phone as I found out from the phone records. I’ve talked with both of them and they were very defensive and irritated. What to do know?
> 
> ...


EA at the least and very likely a PA — definitely then and possibly now as well.

How far away does this guy live?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bsoare said:


> Thank you very much, I cannot understand now why is the need of all of this? If you don't love somebody why don't you leave? Why the betrayal?


Maybe he had/has a wife or GF that he won’t give up. Or maybe your wife views him as good for sex and validation but not so much as a BF/husband/father.

Who knows? Could be any combination of a hundred different reasons.

Do the two of you have children? If yes, how old are they?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How long ago were those emails?


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

GusPolinski said:


> Maybe he had/has a wife or GF that he won’t give up. Or maybe your wife views him as good for sex and validation but not so much as a BF/husband/father.
> 
> Who knows? Could be any combination of a hundred different reasons.
> 
> Do the two of you have children? If yes, how old are they?


He was married that time, after that his wife left him, married again with another one. We have 2 kids 13 and 2


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> How long ago were those emails?


2006-2008


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

You can be sure it was a physical affair and if they are less than many hours apart now it is STILL a physical affair. Your wife is an unrepentant cheater, plain an simple. Act accordingly. She has zero problem lying and sneaking around and she's pissed that you won't drop it and let her get away with it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

bsoare said:


> 2006-2008


That time line is close but you still didn’t answer the question. Are you purposely leaving out information?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

redmarshall said:


> well from where I am at, there can be no reconciliation unless the truth is out first. Give her the opportunity to express her version of events fully, and you can tell her that she shouldn't fear any reaction from you. So that first you can have the facts, only when you know fully what all has happened can you take steps (Whatever they maybe) to either rebuild or jettison.


Rarely do you get the truth in these situations.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

bsoare said:


> She says I cannot forgive, how should I forgive If I don’t have enough information or without her efforts to help me. She even said it’s already been 5 months since you discovered can you get over it already?


Expecting you to get over it and saying you are making a big deal about her engaging in ANY type of affair with another man? I'd have told her to go f*** herself. But that's me.



> I’m confused right now, insecure…don’t know what to do. I think I don’t know the past and I’m afraid of the future. She doesn’t want us to get professional help she says it’s nothing and I feel her less close to me. I cannot say her anything., we only talk about general stuff and have sex.


With her non-remorseful attitude, and the fact they both got defensive because you confronted them about what was true and their inappropriate behavior, I'm willing to bet that she still engages in inappropriate behavior, and if she isn't, based on her attitude, she'd desire to still have that excitement she felt. Fickle people usually do.

Now, could she have been completely faithful since then? Sure, but in one way, shape or form, I doubt it.

But the main issue now is her attitude. You should just get over it?? F her. Not engaging in inappropriate behavior now or not, I don't think this is a woman to be trusted.

This is coming from someone who has heard all this s**t before. What was my outcome? I divorced her. But again, that's me. I'd at the very least have a discussion about her unloving attitude that you are making a big deal out of it and that she expects you to just get over the betrayal. If she can't understand your understandably upset state of mind, then she no longer needs to be married, IMO. But you have to decide what is best for you. She won't go to counseling? Because she knows the counselor will call her out on her crap.

It's a tough spot my man, I feel ya. But start with talking to her about her s**t attitude that you should just get over it.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

bsoare said:


> Apology only once.


She's not sorry. She's mad she got caught.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

bsoare said:


> When I asked her if it was sex she told me "if it makes you feel better, it was". What should I understand?


Yup, right there tells me it was sex. She says this so she can say later that she answered that way because you badgered her.

After hearing this cold hearted b****h response, I'm sorry to say, in your situation I'd recommend divorce. I know it's the last thing on your mind, but with a woman like this you will NEVER get closure on this issue and it will eat at you the rest of your life unless you get rid of the source of this pain.....you're cheating, cold-hearted wife. Trust me on this one, I know.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

bsoare said:


> Thank you very much, I cannot understand now why is the need of all of this? If you don't love somebody why don't you leave? Why the betrayal?


Convenience, not going through a divorce, keeping the security of her current life.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> Has your wife put these contacts under female names so you'd never know they were male?


i would not have a clue, i do not go searching on her phone!

do you?


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Rarely do you get the truth in these situations.


you're right, but even if it leads down to a road of separation, truth can lead to closure of some kind, if two people in a relationship cannot be completely honest with one another, I wonder who can ever be.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

bsoare said:


> Thank you very much, I cannot understand now why is the need of all of this? If you don't love somebody why don't you leave? Why the betrayal?


I wonder the same thing!


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Don't hang around for someone one who is not "in it with you", it won't work out unless you are happy to be the stooge. If you are not happy with her then leave and move on to the next chapter of you're life. 

Your wife's responses to your concern have been pretty fake as per her continued contact with the other guy. You have tried to establish level ground but it hasn't worked. You can lead a horse to water.....


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> That time line is close but you still didn’t answer the question. Are you purposely leaving out information?


Sorry what? I'm lost in all of these replies


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

redmarshall said:


> you're right, but even if it leads down to a road of separation, truth can lead to closure of some kind, if two people in a relationship cannot be completely honest with one another, I wonder who can ever be.


In these situations most will never get the full truth.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@bo


bsoare said:


> When I asked her if it was sex she told me "if it makes you feel better, it was". What should I understand?
> 
> When I asked if it was sex she told me, "if it makes you feel good, yes it was" what should I understand?


*this answer tells you everything you need to know:*

1- she cheated - and her answer the least she can do to cover her back so when you discover the full truth her answer would be i never lied to you, I told we had sex

2- the fact she is not remorseful or feel guilty and had his number saved under female showing that they are still having sex, and they have been in relationship for the past 18 years. your 13 year old kid's age fall between her affair relation. you should DNA your kids

3- your wife refusing for couples counseling tells you everything you need to know. she doesn't care about you and she is afraid to tell the truth. 

4- you are a plan B and financial support for her only. she loves someone else. love at first sight means love forever specially if you are married. has she ever told you she fell in love with you at first sight?

5- Now, if you believe what everyone said here and your wife had and still have sex with other guy what would be your next step? if you say counseling and trying to save this marriage then this your answer to why your wife cheated and still cheating. you are not Alpha nor respected in her eyes, and she fully aware how to control you and ask for forgiveness. you wasted 18 years with her, it is time for you to find someone else

find a lawyer, and start separating your accounts.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

bsoare said:


> Sorry what? I'm lost in all of these replies


Everyone is responding based on this is something currently happening. You never clarify if the sex was before you were married.

Early in relationship doesn’t clarify your situation.

Are you butt hurt that your wife was dating someone else also early on or were you already exclusive…. What’s the story ???


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

bsoare said:


> Sorry what? I'm lost in all of these replies


Just trying to understand the time line.

Your wife met this guy 18 years ago, so about 2004. Were you married/when did you get married?
You asked here to cut it off more than once, but she admits it was love at first sight, but chose you 
Now, 5 months ago you find emails from 2006 to 2008 professing her love for him, so she married you, but actual chose him.
You also found 5 months ago that he was in her contacts listed as a woman.
No she thinks after 5 months you should be over the 18 years of cheating.

Does that sound about right?

How sure your kids are actually yours?


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

It is not easy to divorce when you have 2 minor children. You can tell her that you will stay married for now but from here on you will be having sex and maybe more with other women because she opened your marriage without telling you. (You don’t have to actually do this, you mainly want to see her reaction.) If she is OK with it, then you know where you stand. If she is upset with the idea, then you can tell her to ”get over it” already.
It would be kind of meaningless to tell her to stop a relationship that’s been ongoing for 18 years. If she stops it, does that mean it’s all ok now?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The “if it makes you feel better, yes there was sex” response is definitely a sign of a completely unrepentant WW, that has absolutely no love for her husband and the father of her kids. With this affair lasting the length of the marriage, you really have to confirm if you’re the biological father. I say this not to hurt you but you really need to be sure. 

You already heard from her mouth and seen from her text that she’s really into him. How close is he to your home and her job? If he’s nearby, it would be naive to believe the affair wasn’t sexual.

We have gotten quite a few threads from BHs and a few BWs that endured a marriage with blatant in your face betrayals. For most of us veterans on TAM, reading such threads, we find it hard to believe that it was allowed to fester for so long but then we can read between the lines that the betrayed wants so badly to not accept what is right in front of them that they deceive themselves into believing the lies until it finally blows up. A wayward is going to push the envelope as they lose more respect for their spouse. As long as you’re paying the bills and helping with the home upkeep and child rearing, they can dole out duty sex, while their AP gets the enthusiastic lover.

DNA your kids. This would not be the first thread of a BH that was raising the OM’s kids.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Look at phone records around the time when she goes to work and when she is driving home and I bet his number is frequently dialed 

If that is the case, then install a voice activated recorder under the steering column of the vehicle and you will quickly find out what is happening.

No one wants to believe their spouse is cheating. But it's crystal clear that she is having an affair.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> even that might just be she is a little embarassed to keep talking with him, and tries to hide it. it does not mean they had wild kinky physical sex for the last 18 years!


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Just trying to understand the time line.
> 
> Your wife met this guy 18 years ago, so about 2004. Were you married/when did you get married?
> You asked here to cut it off more than once, but she admits it was love at first sight, but chose you
> ...


This is right, I don't want to thinks about the kids right now, it's too much for me.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

bsoare said:


> This is right, I don't want to thinks about the kids right now, it's too much for me.


Okay, set that aside for now. Is the time line about right? When did you get married?


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Okay, set that aside for now. Is the time line about right? When did you get married?


We got married in 2007.


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

bsoare said:


> We got married in 2007.


Timeline is correct


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So has anything happened from the time you were married? Besides the contact in the phone …


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Who knows...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Now that you know your wife is totally disloyal, doesn’t even care about the pain she’s caused you (“if it makes you feel better, yeah we had sex”), and even to this day has this guy in her phone under a woman’s name———

what do you want to do?
Do you want to leave her abd find a woman that actually cares about you, and us loyal?

Or do you want to stay with an unrepentant cheater who was a side piece for a married man?

The responses from her you told us—/ she didn’t just cheat, she doesn’t give a F if you know and believes you’re not going to do anything in terms of consequences.
Why does she think this?
Are you totally insecure, indecisive, or generally weak?

Mist women will get down on their knees and beg forgiveness for cheating if the live abd respect their husband, and will repeatedly beg forgiveness. Yours isn’t/hasn’t. Why is that?

the answer to that is she doesn’t care. That’s why I’d quickly and surely divorce her. What a lowlife.


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> So has anything happened from the time you were married? Besides the contact in the phone …


He and his family came to the beach and she and our kid joined them some years ago. When I asked why I wasn't invited she said: you were at work and she told me after they met at the beach.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

bsoare said:


> He and his family came to the beach and she and our kid joined them some years ago. When I asked why I wasn't invited she said: you were at work and she told me after they met at the beach.


That’s sketchy… 

Did y’all do things together with these people before with you present?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

100% she cheated.

Why else would she lie and hide it?

Also, it is a HUGE red flag if your wife starts talking about another guy at work. It means she's into him.


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Now that you know your wife is totally disloyal, doesn’t even care about the pain she’s caused you (“if it makes you feel better, yeah we had sex”), and even to this day has this guy in her phone under a woman’s name———
> 
> what do you want to do?
> Do you want to leave her abd find a woman that actually cares about you, and us loyal?
> ...


The thing is I have trust issues right now with any woman.


Mr.Married said:


> That’s sketchy…
> 
> Did y’all do things together with these people before with you present?


Never


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Uummmm… not so good for sure

They had sex before y’all were married or are you telling us that they cheated together after you were married?


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Uummmm… not so good for sure


I know it makes throw up literally


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Any betrayed man would. But all women aren’t untrustworthy. Yours is for sure. Surprisingly she was cheating on you at the very start of your relationship when she should have been crazy about you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bsoare said:


> 2006-2008


Ok so nothing suspicious for 14 years?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Ok so nothing suspicious for 14 years?


She met the guy at the beach. Not clear if she freely volunteered that or what

Lots of unclear context ….


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> She met the guy at the beach. Not clear if she freely volunteered that or what
> 
> Lots of unclear context ….


I don't have info she says it's nothing to worry about


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

bsoare said:


> I don't have info she says it's nothing to worry about


The situation stinks…..

You should take some time to collect yourself and then write down your info. Otherwise everyone will be all over the place with advice


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

bsoare said:


> I don't have info she says it's nothing to worry about


I know you said you dont want to think about kids now. I disagree
they should be the first step - verify they are yours first 

you have been rugs weeping the whole thing for years and years but you just didn't want to think about it until it was more obvious.

Can you get hold of his Ex wife and talk to her? even his current wife?


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> The situation stinks…..
> 
> You should take some time to collect yourself and then write down your info. Otherwise everyone will be all over the place with advice


This is all the info that I have, I asked here because it's very suspicious to me to be just a friendship...


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> I know you said you dont want to think about kids now. I disagree
> they should be the first step - verify they are yours first
> 
> you have been rugs weeping the whole thing for years and years but you just didn't want to think about it until it was more obvious.
> ...


I have his current wife's Facebook, i don't know what to do.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

bsoare said:


> This is all the info that I have, I asked here because it's very suspicious to me to be just a friendship...


So did she have sex with him while you were married ?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife wants to rug sweep this. If she’s sorry about about anything it’s that you know and not that she did something that some would divorce over.


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## bsoare (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> So did she have sex with him while you were married ?


Who knows?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

it’s understandable that you’re recent discoveries has you questioning your entire marriage. You said that you have trouble trusting all women. That is years of betrayal talking. You actually have not tested if this is true because you’ve been with one woman for 18 years. There are MANY good women out there. 

DNA test your kids. Once you’ve confirmed they are you biological kids, then you can plan your next step.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> So did she have sex with him while you were married ?


OP said this:
_When I asked if it was sex she told me, "if it makes you feel good, yes it was"_

Sounds like cheater speak for yes, but I don't want to directly admit it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Look at phone records around the time when she goes to work and when she is driving home and I bet his number is frequently dialed
> 
> If that is the case, then install a voice activated recorder under the steering column of the vehicle and you will quickly find out what is happening.
> 
> No one wants to believe their spouse is cheating. But it's crystal clear that she is having an affair.


this is a good idea.
you need to know what is going on TODAY. and to what extent it is cheating.
If they are talking on the way home about what they bought to cook their spouses for supper....it is not an issue!!


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

bsoare said:


> I have his current wife's Facebook, i don't know what to do.


Contact her and tell her that your wife said she slept with her husband.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. There clearly was an affair that may be still active. Also, it is clear your wife does not respect or love you. You need to take control of this. Tell her affair partners wife that your wife admitted to sleeping with him. Consult a lawyer to see what a divorce would look like. If you would seriously consider divorce, tell your wife that she has to convince you to stay in the marriage, and that starts with full honesty. If she doesn't do anything substantial, it will confirm that she has emotionally left the marriage already.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

blackclover3 said:


> Contact her and tell her that your wife said she slept with her husband.


Absolutely. And when she denies she admitted, just say “it made me feel good, so I did”. Blowing up a man’s relationship that blew up mine……, yeah I would feel better.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> this is a good idea.
> you need to know what is going on TODAY. and to what extent it is cheating.
> If they are talking on the way home about what they bought to cook their spouses for supper....it is not an issue!!


I disagree, talking about what’s for supper with a past or present affair partner? Definitely an issue to me.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree, talking about what’s for supper with a past or present affair partner? Definitely an issue to me.


as opposed to "oooh baby, i can hardly wait to play with your member again, like we did last month...."


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> as opposed to "oooh baby, i can hardly wait to play with your member again, like we did last month...."


Just saying, any communication with a past or present affair guy that is on her phone under a woman’s name—— complete bs.

OP has been told “yeah, think we has sex IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER “……. What a smart ass, rude, completely unempathetic comment!!!!!!!!! She’s still in contact with the guy, takes beach trips with him that her husband isn’t invited to……
Hell, I couldn’t get to a lawyer fast enough to divorce this “lady”….

just my opinion


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just saying, any communication with a past or present affair guy that is on her phone under a woman’s name—— complete bs.
> 
> OP has been told “yeah, think we has sex IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER “……. What a smart ass, rude, completely unempathetic comment!!!!!!!!! She’s still in contact with the guy, takes beach trips with him that her husband isn’t invited to……
> Hell, I couldn’t get to a lawyer fast enough to divorce this “lady”….
> ...


The more he talks the worse it sounds. I have nagging feeling he is being unclear for a reason though… can’t quite put a finger on it. It’s bad enough as it is… for sure.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> The more he talks the worse it sounds. I have nagging feeling he is being unclear for a reason though… can’t quite put a finger on it. It’s bad enough as it is… for sure.


it is coming out in drivels.
i did not consider the beach trip with the guy, for instance


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> even that might just be she is a little embarassed to keep talking with him, and tries to hide it. it does not mean they had wild kinky physical sex for the last 18 years!


Pleeeeze!


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> as opposed to "oooh baby, i can hardly wait to play with your member again, like we did last month...."


Is it completely lost on you that she has him under a women's name in her phone contacts? How many times have we seen this particular artifice used?
Any problem with his wife answering his question about having sex in the manner she answered?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just saying, any communication with a past or present affair guy that is on her phone under a woman’s name—— complete bs.
> 
> OP has been told “yeah, think we has sex IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER “……. What a smart ass, rude, completely unempathetic comment!!!!!!!!! She’s still in contact with the guy, takes beach trips with him that her husband isn’t invited to……
> Hell, I couldn’t get to a lawyer fast enough to divorce this “lady”….
> ...


Exactly. You can take it to the bank that when one gets a defensive, smartass, hostile response vs one demonstrating concern, there is cheating.
Normal, loving spouses do not respond in such a crass, uncaring manner.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

bsoare said:


> He was married that time, after that his wife left him, married again with another one. We have 2 kids 13 and 2


But with her attitude and deception you can't be sure the children are even yours.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

bsoare said:


> I don't have info she says it's nothing to worry about


Of course she would. She might loose your funding her hookups with the guy


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Megaforce said:


> Is it completely lost on you that she has him under a women's name in her phone contacts? How many times have we seen this particular artifice used?
> Any problem with his wife answering his question about having sex in the manner she answered?


is it under a woman's name, like Sally?

or is it just filed under a folder of women's names?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Bsore, *You wrote,* 

* 5 months ago I saw that she had him in her phone as a female contact, and I discovered some old emails where she sent him pics of her saying I'm thinking of you, kiss you.*

I cannot say 100% this means she was physically cheating with him, but her strong emotional and romantic attachment is obvious. Honestly from all else that you wrote it sounds like your WW is waiting until the kids leave the house to divorce you and marry him, at least that may be her fantasy.

*She lied about the amount of the time they talked on the phone as I found out from the phone records. I’ve talked with both of them and they were very defensive and irritated. What to do know?*

Please record all your evidence somewhere before it is destroyed, then create a nice package of proof and visit OMW. Do not warn or threaten OM or your WW or they will get their story straight and paint you as a crazy and jealous husband.

OM was irritated, after 18 years of contact with your WW?, he has already trampled on your marriage get your rage up.

*She says I cannot forgive, how should I forgive If I don’t have enough information or without her efforts to help me. She even said it’s already been 5 months since you discovered can you get over it already?*

5 months is nothing compared with 18 years of contact.

I suspect what OMW will tell you is that he is a cheater who goes from woman to woman.

Get DNA testing now, also get yourself tested for STDs.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

You cannot forgive unless you know what you are forgiving.
The statement that she meade was pretty indicative of the affair being physical...for who know how many years.
Since you felt things were "off" in your marriage, there is a good chance that the boyfriend's wife is also feeling something is off in her marriage. 
Now that you know the affair was sexual with her admission, you could reach out to let the other betrayed spouse know what you know and see if she has susptions or evidence as well. You two can fill each other in about what your feelings are.
95% chance once you contact the OBS your wife will go ballistic with you.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

mickybill said:


> You cannot forgive unless you know what you are forgiving.
> The statement that she meade was pretty indicative of the affair being physical...for who know how many years.
> Since you felt things were "off" in your marriage, there is a good chance that the boyfriend's wife is also feeling something is off in her marriage.
> Now that you know the affair was sexual with her admission, you could reach out to let the other betrayed spouse know what you know and see if she has susptions or evidence as well. You two can fill each other in about what your feelings are.
> 95% chance once you contact the OBS your wife will go ballistic with you.


@bsoare It's the experience of most on the board that one can almost time the point when the affair became physical to the moment when the spouse stops being normally affectionate.
So, if you think back, you'll have a pretty good idea when it happened.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bsoare said:


> Thank you very much, I cannot understand now why is the need of all of this? If you don't love somebody why don't you leave? Why the betrayal?


If someone is rich why do they still steal. Greed. No different.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

At the very least you wife had an emotional affair, that is why she hid the number. She also brought your kids around him. She has treated you and your marriage with no respect. She also has no real fear that you will do anything that is why she is not forthcoming with information. She thinks you are just going to put up with it. 

You need to find your courage and be assertive. FIRST THING. Contact his wife, tell her everything you know, your wife had his number in her phone under a women's name, they have met up on dates with both kids along. Your wife told you it was love at first site. (DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS). See if she just somehow finds out. 

Go see a divorce lawyer just so you know your rights. DNA test your kids.

When your wife starts to give you a bunch of crap, just like a the type of women with a secret boyfriend will do when you call them on their BS, call her out on it. Tell her you could do a lot better as she is liar and a phony and she better straighten up very quick because you are about 99% done.

Honestly as soon as she comes into you I would say - "stop, you better think very carefully what the next words out of your mouth are going to be, if it's not a straight up come to Jesus apology and how you going to fix yourself then don't even open your mouth." Then is she tried to give you some more ********, give her the papers and go stay in a hotel. 

Go find a women who actually cares about you.

Action is what is needed, not passiveness. This is a bunch of crap she dumped on you time to call her on it.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

VAR he car asafp. That's the only way you'll know for sure. 

Or don't. I mean, she admitted it. 

I'd be gone.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So to be clear...

You were in a relationship with your now wife for some time - at least from 2004 if not longer. When did you get together and were you exclusive even though you were not married?

Around 2004 (presumably while in a relationship with you) she meets this married guy and it was love at first sight. He eventually got divorced (and she may have even contributed to this).

She talks about him a lot but hides what they were actually doing.

By her own admission, they had sex (probably multiple times).

She kept you strung along by offering you sex and pretending to be your girlfriend (fiancee?).

You then get married in 2007 and her explanation of that is she chose you. Did she offer why she chose you if she was in love (at first sight) with him?

You then find she was still in contact with him just after you got married and she had him listed in her phone as a female (as others have said, a normal cheaters trick).

Your kid was born 13 years ago so say 2009. With her still being in contact with him you need to DNA test your kid to ensure he really is yours.

He gets remarried ? She stays in contact with him and eventually takes your kid to see him and his kids at the beach but does not include you in this.

Two years ago you have another kid - could also be his.

You find all this out and confront her and later, him. She says sorry once but then gets irritated with you saying you should let this go as she has apologised and this was a long time ago. Even though she knows you know that they were/are still in contact.

When you confront him, he also gets impatient and defensive with you.

If this is accurate then her first crime was having an affair with him when she was in a committed exclusive relationship with you and lying about it (especially the part where it was love at first sight).

Her second crime was continuing to stay in contact with him even after she was married and not telling you. She even had him under a different (female) name listed in your phone.

Her third crime is her complete lack of remorse and empathy.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I'm late to this thread but your wife is definitely not to be trusted. 

I have male friends, some I have had for close to 30 years. They are in my phone under their names. Many have now become my husband's friends too. I don't send them messages about missing them or kissing them. We generally talk about work or sports. DH knows when & where I am in contact with them. Oftentimes when they call I put them on speaker. It's all above board & they are friends to my marriage, not a threat to it.

The fact that she listed him under a woman's name, that she's hiding him is a giant red flag. Her flippant answer about whether it was sex was not reassuring nor was it a denial. If she loved you & had nothing to hide, your feelings would be paramount. They are not. 

While her relationship with him is probably sexual, even in the absence of concrete proof, she has made it abundantly clear that you, her husband & your marriage are not her priorities. She cares more about the other guy than you. Knowing this, you have to decide if you are willing to stick around & continue to be her doormat.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why are you not finding the best cut throat lawyers and divorcing her yet?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

bsoare said:


> I don't have info she says it's nothing to worry about


Just like her having sex with him and maybe his wife for the past 18 years. Just nothing to worry about, you just keep working and she will keep seeing her lover.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

OP, wow this is a bad situation.

From my perspective, no one would ever admit sex if it didn't happen. Even though her admission was based on "if it makes you happy, we had sex"... I think that confirms PA. (in my mind, this is a deal breaker by itself).

The fact that she hid his name in her phone this whole time and was in contact, chances are this is a long term affair.

Yes, you need to DNA your kids, ASAP...first, it sends a message about how badly she broke your trust, but also may confirm how severe the affair was or wasn't.

You should track down his first wife who divorced him and talk to her, she likely knows what happened back then.

Cheaters are selfish, she wants you to be over this so you will stop bothering her about it. She doesn't care about you recovering from her affair, and also likely doesn't want to cut contact with the OM.

VAR her car.

Tell her you want to get past it, and to do so, you need a thorough timeline of their relationship and a follow up polygraph to verify it is correct.

Other posters are correct, people with nothing to hide, hide nothing... her reaction to your request for timeline and poly will be telling.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Sorry @bsoare here is a suggestion if possible reach out to the guys ex-wife and see if possible the reason for her leaving him was due to cheating and if it was with your wife. Best of luck!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Reading @manfromlamancha breakdown of events, makes it very clear that he needs to DNA his kids. I totally missed that she took your son on a beach date with OM and his kid. Could that have been, to meet daddy and your half sibling? Very F'd up. 

I also have no doubt that your WW contributed to the demise of OM's first marriage.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

OP, I know we are all nonchalantly throwing around the DNA your kid discussion, but we realize it is a huge deal for you.... we are only putting it out there because we've seen it happen numerous times around here unfortunately. Often times it is a wake up call for the cheating spouse also...


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

bsoare I'm sorry you are going through this. Most of the advice here has been very good. 

From my vantage point, the question of whether or not she actually cheated on you is a side topic. What blares out at me is just how much disrespect and disdain she has exhibited towards you and the marriage. 

You confronted her and asked her legitimate and questions about the nature of her relationship with the other man, and she reacted with prevarication, anger and hostility. That is not the actions of a woman who loves or respects her husband. 

She wants you to "get over it", to sweep it all under the rug and go back to being the passive and accepting rube she wants you to be, instead of being understanding and empathetic towards the pain she has put you through. That also is not the behavior of a loving spouse. 

She is an entitled, disrespectful and selfish human being who has proven to you through her actions that she will always put herself first in the relationship. That is not a marriage. That is not a partnership. That is despotism. 

I am with the others who advocate getting DNA tests done for the children. You should treat every word that comes out of her mouth as a lie unless you can verify it yourself.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You need to do dna tests on your kids.
it looks like she has been in contact with him this whole time you were married.
I’d be especially concerned about the two year old!
Start taking a stand - you need to get strong and take action! She’s been disrespecting you the whole time you’ve been with her!

why would you want to stay with any woman who isn’t respecting you? Who is cheating on you? And who expects you to look the other way when she obviously has had a relationship ship with you this whole time based on dishonesty?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Wow! What a **** show! OP, DNA your children now!


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

bsoare said:


> Hello, at the early stages of our relationship 18 years ago my wife met a guy when she was at work. She kept telling me about him and I had some strange feelings about that and I always told her maybe she would stop talking with him, she many times said ok I will stop. 5 months ago I saw that she had him in her phone as a female contact, and I discovered some old emails where she sent him pics of her saying I'm thinking of you, kiss you.
> 
> She said there was love at first sight between them back then but she chose me. I’m very confuse right now as she doesn’t want to discuss about that saying I make a big deal out of nothing. She lied about the amount of the time they talked on the phone as I found out from the phone records. I’ve talked with both of them and they were very defensive and irritated. What to do know?
> 
> ...


You are being Gaslighted my friend she still has a relationship with him and every single thing she is doing is plainly saying she is cheating on you. This really is chapter 1 of the cheaters handbook.
The number under a girls name so you won't find it the not wanting to discuss it with you the blame shifting saying you can't forgive, instead of her trying to understand and fix things. Of course they were both defensive and laughing their heads off as soon as you left. They think your a total fool.
You had to find out from phone records well next is the P.I. he or she will get the proof then if they work together report them to their HR dept. She also doesn't want to go to counselling because she doesn't care or is afraid the whole truth will come out.
There are so many RED FLAGS here it is making my head spin. Your her back up Plan my friend and if this other guy commits to her she will Monkey Branch to him I will stake my life on it.
He hasn't committed to her yet probably has a wife and kids and is just using her.
Get the P.I. get the evidence and hit her with divorce don't keep ***** footing around and don't tell her shock her with the divorce papers at work in front of everyone.


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> HIDING the relationship is certainly suspect.
> but i am not of the camp that declares "you can never have a friend of the opposite sex".
> People who think that have never been in business, where you have to cultivate friendships and mentors all thru your career. A woman who never made a single opposite-sex friend in business would be going NOWHERE in the corporate structure. Talk about an impenetrable glass ceiling!


Yes but you don't do the things she is doing so many Red Flags here.


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

drencrom said:


> Convenience, not going through a divorce, keeping the security of her current life.


He's her ATM while she plays around I have read and listened too so many of these same situations word for word. She doesn't give a dam about him she is just using him.


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

bsoare said:


> I don't have info she says it's nothing to worry about


Yes and did you see the yellow pigs flying overhead. Wake up my friend and smell the pile of sh*t.


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

QuietGuy said:


> I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. There clearly was an affair that may be still active. Also, it is clear your wife does not respect or love you. You need to take control of this. Tell her affair partners wife that your wife admitted to sleeping with him. Consult a lawyer to see what a divorce would look like. If you would seriously consider divorce, tell your wife that she has to convince you to stay in the marriage, and that starts with full honesty. If she doesn't do anything substantial, it will confirm that she has emotionally left the marriage already.


From what he is saying she was never committed to this marriage at anytime. He was just her fall back guy.


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

sokillme said:


> At the very least you wife had an emotional affair, that is why she hid the number. She also brought your kids around him. She has treated you and your marriage with no respect. She also has no real fear that you will do anything that is why she is not forthcoming with information. She thinks you are just going to put up with it.
> 
> You need to find your courage and be assertive. FIRST THING. Contact his wife, tell her everything you know, your wife had his number in her phone under a women's name, they have met up on dates with both kids along. Your wife told you it was love at first site. (DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS). See if she just somehow finds out.
> 
> ...


I concur 100%


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bsoare said:


> Thank you very much, I cannot understand now why is the need of all of this? If you don't love somebody why don't you leave? Why the betrayal?


One, the other, or both, know that a full time relationship would/will not work. 

Your wife is a cake eater, enjoying the bulk of the cake, the fulfilling marriage, and, also the sweet frosting, her side affair.

More often than not, one party wants to take the affair to the live-together stage, the other does not.

After 18 years, they are old friends, maybe old lovers. I suspect they are.

They have likely met up together a number of times during those 18 years.

At best, they broke it off for a few years, and *they both got the itch again.*

The other man's divorce and remarriage, likely unsettled your wife, and that put a temporary halt to their communications.

No, she does not like you, nor respect you.
I hope you realize that.


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> One, the other, or both, know that a full time relationship would/will not work.
> 
> Your wife is a cake eater, enjoying the bulk of the cake, the fulfilling marriage, and, also the sweet frosting, her side affair.
> 
> ...


If you followed some of the channels on Redit, better batchelor and strong succesful male, you will see just how common exactly this sort of crap is some of these spouses think they have a god given right to do what they want and destroy everyone around them in the process. I think many of them are Alien Hybrids with a human brain but know spirit or soul.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

JWakk said:


> If you followed some of the channels on Redit, better batchelor and strong succesful male, you will see just how common exactly this sort of crap is some of these spouses think they have a god given right to do what they want and destroy everyone around them in the process. I think many of them are Alien Hybrids with a human brain but know spirit or soul.


Rather than being aliens, I believe the majority of cheaters are personality disordered. BPD or NPD, there is a huge overlap between the Cluster B disorders. Lots of comorbidities. 

These folks lie with aplomb with years of practlying and virtually no conscience. They are experienced gaslighters and manipulators. They can sleep like babies and function normally because they feel no guilt at all.

Might as well be aliens, evil, destructive aliens, their wiring is so, fundamentally different from a normal person's s.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

bsoare said:


> Who knows?


How are you doing bud.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

The man is registered under another name and communication continues. It's hard to say that the relationship is in the past. (she admitted to having sex.)

Full Confession or trying to look for evidence wears you out more, you don't know if there is another name confusion on the phone.

I think the main problem is your wife's attitude, she has been lying to you for years and does not take responsibility to put you at ease.
Divorce or stay should be your decision, I don't think your wife is reliable or loyal.


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> She was cheating on you and judging by her response to your questions she still is.
> You don’t say whether or not you have children but I know divorce is very easy in Romania if there’s no kids involved.
> Maybe let your wife know this. Also consider if your wife’s boyfriend is married or in a marriage and let his partner know.


This


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

bsoare said:


> Hello, at the early stages of our relationship 18 years ago my wife met a guy when she was at work. She kept telling me about him and I had some strange feelings about that and I always told her maybe she would stop talking with him, she many times said ok I will stop. 5 months ago I saw that she had him in her phone as a female contact, and I discovered some old emails where she sent him pics of her saying I'm thinking of you, kiss you.
> 
> She said there was love at first sight between them back then but she chose me. I’m very confuse right now as she doesn’t want to discuss about that saying I make a big deal out of nothing. She lied about the amount of the time they talked on the phone as I found out from the phone records. I’ve talked with both of them and they were very defensive and irritated. What to do know?
> 
> ...


She is gaslighting you. Don't let her...

The fact that this man is currently in her phone...18 YEARS LATER...under a woman's name suggests that this WAS NOT, simply, 18 years ago.


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