# Blind-sided and having a very hard time coping!!



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

Hi,

I am so grateful for this website and its members, 

Just this past weekend, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with someone from her work. We have been together for 15 years, ever since 18, and this has never been a concern for me. That is until a few months ago, when her behaviour changed and our relationship just felt off. In retrospect, I should of known a long time ago after some, what now seems to be, very obvious behaviour. 

But after some time of this very obvious behaviour, she finally admitted that she cheated on me. Which later turned into having an affair. I was devastated and although I spent the entire day trying to make her feel bad, but knowing that all I wanted was for things to return the way they were before this happened. 

But then I found out that she wants to leave, when I didn't immediately say let's breakup. This hurt even more and I have been going through different emotions in what seems like a serious drug withdrawal. I have been exhibiting all sorts of emotions: anger when I feel like I'm still being deceived and demanding the full scope of it all, than trying to propose logic with her of why she did it and why she still loves me and finally willing to do anything for her, but calling in fits of panic because I miss her and just needed to talk to her, but essentially with the hope that she would tell me that she still loves me and wants to work it out. 

But after reading all of people's experiences, I realized that this is a fairly common reaction and the complete opposite of what I should be doing for any outcome. But I can't help it, I really just want her back and I might find confidence for an hour or 2, only to find myself going back to feelings that I need to keep communicating with her. 

I guess I feel like, even though, she did this to me, I didn't ask for it, I'm sure I was a provoking force but I just want to forgive her and have her back. 

It's really a lose-lose situation for the victim of infidelity since at least she had those experiences and was confident enough to make the decision to do that. Whereas I, have to live with it all and move on from the life that I was happy with and that I would of fought and worked for.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let her go. Is he married? The worst thing u can do is cling to her. So tell her "I've been thinking...u are right. You should leave. I deserve better than what you're giving to me. And I refuse to live in an open marriage."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Please read the following.



> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> ...


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Be strong. Expose the affair to the OM's wife (if he has one). Tell your wife that you won't stay in an open marriage. If you don't have kids, leave. If you do, stay in the house, but start divorce proceedings.

She needs to see that you won't tolerate her cheating. That it is over if she continues. This is the only way to ever have a life with her. 

I know how hard this is to do, when you love her and don't want to lose her. But you have to be strong, and earn her respect, or you will lose her.


----------



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

morituri said:


> please read the following.


wow this hit on so many levels,, i am ashamed to say but i have done this b4.. Now i am becoming a bi*** about the whole thing.. Which probley isnt very good either.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

You are at a major crossroad. One thing I wouldn't recommend is to forgive her so easily. You are not saving M that way. You need a willing partner to make the M whole. She is the one who owe you apology and begging for forgiveness. If she is not offering those, she has already checked out of M, and she will continue contacting the OM since she faced no real consequences.

Stay strong, and do not give in. You are not the one at fault here. Hold your ground and integrity.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Let her go, it`s the only way you`ll get her back in your situation.

Find out if her lover has a wife and if he does expose the affair to her.

This could cause him to throw your wife under the bus in order to save his own ass and she`ll get a dose of reality which could be her first step back to you.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry you are in this situation.

Are there kids involved?
Where is she staying now?
How long has the affair been going on?
Is she showing any remorse for what she did?
Is he married?


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

no, there's no kids, thankfully. She's actually staying at his place. but it's a bit tricky, we are not from the area we live in and don't know too many people, but obviously that still kills me. I find myself trying to make her comfortable and I can't stop. The affair has been going on since mid July. At times she feels bad for the state she put me through, but that only seems to happen when I really illustrate the state I am in, which is not good. But if I try and speak to her on a normal level, she gets frustrated very easily. she has said, that she's troubled by not feeling as bad as she thought she would. He is not married, in an on again off again relationship. 

the only thing she is offering me at this point is to separate, go to counselling and see where that leads. but for now, she wants to separate for sure. I kind of just want to say forget about it all and just move back to where I have my family and friends, but it's really tough.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

She is living with OM now? What are you waiting for? File for D and move on. She is a lost cause.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Go to counseling while she's living with him? Boy, is she playing you for the fool. Give her the gift of divorce papers. That might wake her up, or she will leave. Sounds like she's in fantasyland with a guy that uses women. 

I wish you the best of luck.


----------



## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

I know how much all this is hurting you, this kind of blind siding hurts a lot however I will tell you what you are trying so hard to avoid seeing

She does not respect you at all, not only does she cheat but she tells you about it, moves in with the other guy and then still tries to keep your hopes up by telling you that you should try and separation and see what happens (translation: she is not 100% sure things will work with the other guy so she keeps you around as an option)...she does not love you because if she did she would feel bad about it and she has told you she doesn't (shows that she lacks basic empathy and perhaps a conscience)...her relationship with this guy is essentially just a fantasy break from responsibilty and they probably deserve each other. Your best bet would be to file for divorce and start working towards your goals (moving closer to your family and advancing in life as a man) this woman is no good and no good will come out of a relationship with her, she is selfish and you are just an otpion to her. Youi have no kids or major shared investment, that is a lot better than the situation some people on this site find themselves in, so you should consider yourself lucky that she showed you her colors now rather than 20 years later. 

Trust me on this one, the first time a woman shows you who she is, believe her.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Let her go. Is he married? The worst thing u can do is cling to her. So tell her "I've been thinking...u are right. You should leave. I deserve better than what you're giving to me. And I refuse to live in an open marriage."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is so right. Read Homer MacDonald's stuff on the prospects of holding onto someone by beseeching and advocating. 

Doing those things is the absolute death knell for the relationship.
I know it is counterintuitive, but, almost ever case I have read where a cheating wife returns involves the husband actively being an absolute hardass. Not abusive, just a hardass. 
And, regardless of whether you ultimately desire to reconcile, you need to break up the affair. if you have kids, you do not want a person like this guy around them.So, expose, impose strict boundaries nd consequences and see a lawyer.

You should also know that the vast majority of men who stay with a wife who has cheated, regret it in a year or two

Michelle langley, who resarched infidelity in women, interviewed betrayed husbands who stayed. She found that just about every guy regretted it after the intial shock and fear wore off.
She theorized, based on what the men told her, that the initial, knee jerk reaction where the guys want to reconcile was born of two basic motivations: fear(of being alone, losing access to kids, finanacial concerns etc) was one.
The seconf was that she found that men presented with this situation are "competetive" with the other guy. Thye want to 'win" vs the other man.
However, a year or two down the rode, they feel the "prize" they compted for was not reallu much of a prize. The lack of trust and the resentment they felt made them wish they had jettisoned the cheater.
Just like folks are advised to wait 6-12 months before making a decison to divorce, folks should wait a while before deciding they want to reconcile and let the fear etc wear off.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Morituri's post says it all. Just excellent.


----------



## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

Jeres - 

I'm right where you are, just a few weeks farther down the path.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/33464-wife-ongoing-affair-learn-my-fail.html

Learn from my fail. I went through weeks of secrecy, hiding, waiting for her to come to her senses. And all I did was enable her to continue the affair while I supported her. And I drove myself to near suicide and questioning my own sanity as she told me things that were patently untrue straight to my face.

Therapy. Support. Exposure. This is what YOU need. And you'll end up being strong and attractive. Maybe to your WW, and maybe to someone else after your divorce. Doesn't matter - you'll be happier, and she will either work hard for your M or she will be miserable.

PM me if you need help. It was only through support I found on TAM that I have gotten to the point where life feels worth living again.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Realize this: when this is all over, regardless of the outcome, your biggest source of shame will be if you acted like a doormat. I know it is natural, at first , to react like this. But, you can undo it and will be able to hold your head up and look in the mirror if you respect yourself asap.
If you stay together, the balance of respect and power in the relationship will be forever skewed if you take this crap from your wife.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

I just wanted to say thanks for everything. It has been a literal week from hell, but after seeing all of you pointing out to me, just how crazy this all is, it really helped and I called and told her that this has to end as I can't be held hostage by my care and love for her. I have to love and respect myself. I really appreciate, everyone's help.


----------



## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

Love and respect yourself. EXACTLY. She's not doing it for you.

Good luck. Stay in touch.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh she's living with the OM? Honey do not reach out to her. My advice is to file a sep/divorce agreement and have her served. That's blatantly disrespectful on her part. At this point u need to treat her like the ghost she is...she's gone. Try to detach as best u can by going no contact with her. Get exercising, buy some new cologne, smile ata hot chick and meet up with old friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

I really can't thank you all enough. I really feel that the supprt I got here in one day, has made a huge impact not only on my self-esteem and decision making, but, and maybe most importantly, strength. This is the first night that I don't feel an undying urge to get into contact. I hope that the positive feelings I have right now, last.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Go to counseling while she's living with him? Boy, is she playing you for the fool. Give her the gift of divorce papers. That might wake her up, or she will leave. Sounds like she's in fantasyland with a guy that uses women.
> 
> I wish you the best of luck.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

It's so weird how you can talk to a person whom you've spent a huge portion of your life with and all of a sudden it's like they're lying about everything you say and you have no idea what is the truth anymore. I think that's one of the hardest parts ofd this: watching someone who you love literally turn on you - it's the scariest feeling I have ever encountered.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jeres said:


> It's so weird how you can talk to a person whom you've spent a huge portion of your life with and all of a sudden it's like they're lying about everything you say and you have no idea what is the truth anymore. I think that's one of the hardest parts ofd this: watching someone who you love literally turn on you - it's the scariest feeling I have ever encountered.


It is chemical. They turn into zombies. They are the living dead. It is an addiction. The wife you once had is now gone. I am sorry. It is devastating. You need to let her go. She is with the OM right now. Get your life together and move on without her.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Especially in WW's case, villainization of BH is very common. They rewrite marital history trying to bring up only the bad parts of it, dismissing all the good memories. My XWW did the same thing. 

Don't dwell on the past you shared with her. That woman you once loved is gone now. She made the choice and her loyalty and love now side with OM. Accept the situation, accept the fact she turned into this stranger, and just move on. At this point, she is not worth your time. Take care of yourself.


----------



## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

expose to OM parents , wife's parents ,employer etc


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Jeres---In your own mind, why do you think she was so willing to just dump you, for her lover---obviously not being with her, you can't give us her deep down reason for wanting another man---but you must have some inkling of what drove her to this

Heed all the advice you are getting---there are no greater experts on this subject, than these people who are taking the time to speak to you on this forum

In many cases, they are even more expert than the counselors, for many counselors, can do no more than spout what is in books, these people are giving you real life experiences----listen to what they tell you---they know


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

vickyyy said:


> expose to OM parents , wife's parents ,employer etc


:iagree:

This is a workplace affair. Expose it to the HR department, and whomever else. He's in an on and off relationship with someone? Expose it to her too. 

Follow the advice the others have given you. She's already living with the OM and fracking his brains out. Separate your finances, stop financing her affair. Because right now, you're her back up plan, which is why she suggested counselling. This is to keep you on the hook in case things with OM go south. She knows she can come back to you any time she wants to. Let her know that you are no one's back up plan. 

MC is worthless while one is still in the affair. Let her go. File for D. Do the 180, if you need to know what that is, look it up.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

For sure, I totally see it now. It's really hard to see, but those who've replied have bascially already said some of the exact things that have already been admitted and have basically highlighted the things I am thinking that she's doing but hasn't admitted yet. The reaosn that she told me that she had to seperate as of the second that she finally admitted to cheating/affair, is because finally she doesn't have to hide the relationship. She basically traded her admission of it as a way to gain more time with the OM. "well if I tell him, than I won't have to hide anymore. I can say we are going to seperate and I can live with him for the time being. WOW, it's all coming to light now. I'm so happy that I told her that it's over. For whatever reason, the evenings are the hardest, but tonight, I'm actually having an easier time than I have all week!! I owe it all to the people on this forum.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> *I'm so happy that I told her that it's over. For whatever reason, the evenings are the hardest, but tonight, I'm actually having an easier time than I have all week!! I owe it all to the people on this forum*


So now go file for divorce. Let her be served.

As much as I loved my ex-wife, I learned one great lesson "there are other women who would never betray me and would love me"


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Exactly. Let her go and file for D. Then once the newness of the affair wears off and reality sets in, she'll discover that Mr. Wonderful isn't so wonderful after all. There's a reason why he's on and off with his relationship with his GF. 

Either way, she has no respect for you or your marriage. You will find someone who will respect her vows of marriage and be true to you. It's difficult to see right now, but you will move on and heal. And finally one day when she realizes what she lost, you won't have wasted your life waiting for her.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Good people don't lie, good people don't cheat, good people don't treat other people like they don't count, good people don't mess with other men /women when they are married. Once a person cheats they are always going to be known as a cheater. There is something inherently wrong with adulterers.

There is a reason adultery is considered equal to murder in most societies. In the past and many cultures today there is even a death penalty for this.

My point is this, the person you used to know is gone, may have never existed at all, but, has gone down an evil path without regard to anyone else. She's not good enough for you. Sorry to say it but she has knowingly decided to be low class trash.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

My XW would not stop,like yours. I divorced her. Within a year, the affairees were at each others' throats.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Also know that just about everyone here is going thru, or has gone thru the exact same thing. From the "after divorce" standpoint, by about 2 months now, I am doing a lot better, going to sign papers on my own house today, will get to see my kid every other week for a week at a time, and honestly, looking forward to better things. There is hope for you my man, and better things ahead as well. Dont let yourself get caught up in the "why" this happened, sometimes its impossible to nail down, and the result isnt helpful. One foot in front of the other, for your own sake now.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Arnold said:


> My XW would not stop,like yours. I divorced her. Within a year, the affairees were at each others' throats.


:iagree:

That's why it's a fact that 97% of relationships borne of affairs fail. They always think that its true love or something. A 3% success rate is a terrible chance to take to throw away a marriage for. But that's the fog for ya.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I am so sorry... I am going through this too. And while I am STILL dying inside (I won't lie about that), I finally decided I didn't want someone who does want me, HOW is that to live? I deserve better.

Also, he came back for like 2 days, and I hated who I had become... suspicious and paranoid and loaded with anxiety about where he was and what he was doing and such. 

I found out ONE week ago and I am still a mess. But I won't ask him back anymore.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I am so sorry... I am going through this too. And while I am STILL dying inside (I won't lie about that), I finally decided I didn't want someone who does want me, HOW is that to live? I deserve better.
> 
> *Also, he came back for like 2 days, and I hated who I had become... suspicious and paranoid and loaded with anxiety about where he was and what he was doing and such. *
> 
> I found out ONE week ago and I am still a mess. But I won't ask him back anymore.


Thats the way I became with the voice activated recorder, checking her computer, checking her email, driving myself crazy trying to find more and more and more,, when the fact was right there in front of me.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Jeres said:


> ...but calling in fits of panic because I miss her and just needed to talk to her, but essentially with the hope that she would tell me that she still loves me and wants to work it out.


One reason why it's important to cut off communication is because they NEVER tell you what you want to hear. I remember being in this state and did the same thing and today I kick myself for being so dumb. I would have made much better impression on her if I had just ignored her than calling her and letting her see how pathetic I was. Huge turnoff.


> But after reading all of people's experiences, I realized that this is a fairly common reaction and the complete opposite of what I should be doing for any outcome. But I can't help it, I really just want her back and I might find confidence for an hour or 2, only to find myself going back to feelings that I need to keep communicating with her.


In this state, you are your own worse enemy. There is nothing you can say or do to her to make her change her mind and you end up just digging yourself a deeper hole. Silence says more than anything and the less she hears/sees of you, the more she will think of you.


> I guess I feel like, even though, she did this to me, I didn't ask for it, I'm sure I was a provoking force but I just want to forgive her and have her back.


Ask yourself why would you do that? She disrespected you and you are not requiring her to do anything to come back? Do you want her back because you are scared to be alone, co-dependent, or just low self-esteem?

Forgiving too easily leads to more cheating. It's not your fault, she screwed up and she has to make amends or it will be a mistake to even think about reconciling. I had 2 false Rs because I did what you are wanting to do. 


> It's really a lose-lose situation for the victim of infidelity since at least she had those experiences and was confident enough to make the decision to do that. Whereas I, have to live with it all and move on from the life that I was happy with and that I would of fought and worked for.


Only short term. The VAST majority of affairs (over 90%) die within 2 years. If you can hold your head up and get back your dignity then long term you will be far better off than her. Her relationship with the OM has no real future and if you move on and work on yourself (something she's not doing) she'll end up with nothing and be alone and you'll be in a better state of mind and may find someone better (there's ALWAYS someone better).

The problem is you allowed yourself to be a doormat/safety net which is bad news for you. She won't be interested in you again until she thinks you stopped caring for her. All you've done so far is enable her affair and pushed her away.

The best thing you can do is ignore, ignore, ignore. Block her from your phone/email and when you have to communicate be cold and very short (yes/no answers, nothing personal like "How are you" or anything about what you are doing). 180 and cut her from your life. She needs to be begging for an R before you even think about talking to her again. If she decides she wants you back she will move Heaven and Earth to find you and let you know. Ironically, the more you blow her off, the more she will want you. Don't think you have to jump on every chance you get, you end up scaring them off. She has to talk YOU into taking her back, not the other way around.

2 or 3 months of the silent treatment will tell you one way or another. Take care of yourself and work on being independent.

Keep posting. Most of us have been where you are at now and its the same story over and over.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jeres said:


> It's so weird how you can talk to a person whom you've spent a huge portion of your life with and all of a sudden it's like they're lying about everything you say and you have no idea what is the truth anymore. I think that's one of the hardest parts ofd this: watching someone who you love literally turn on you - it's the scariest feeling I have ever encountered.


I know... we have been married for 23 years, and together for 30- I have been with him for more of my life than I haven't. It makes me questions everything and yeah, scary as hell.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jeres said:


> For sure, I totally see it now. It's really hard to see, but those who've replied have bascially already said some of the exact things that have already been admitted and have basically highlighted the things I am thinking that she's doing but hasn't admitted yet. The reaosn that she told me that she had to seperate as of the second that she finally admitted to cheating/affair, is because finally she doesn't have to hide the relationship. She basically traded her admission of it as a way to gain more time with the OM. "well if I tell him, than I won't have to hide anymore. I can say we are going to seperate and I can live with him for the time being. WOW, it's all coming to light now. I'm so happy that I told her that it's over. For whatever reason, the evenings are the hardest, but tonight, I'm actually having an easier time than I have all week!! I owe it all to the people on this forum.


Me too, the evenings after my girls go to bed, the middle of the night wake up (panic attack), and the early mornings....


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> The best thing you can do is ignore, ignore, ignore. Block her from your phone/email and when you have to communicate be cold and very short (yes/no answers, nothing personal like "How are you" or anything about what you are doing). 180 and cut her from your life. She needs to be begging for an R before you even think about talking to her again. If she decides she wants you back she will move Heaven and Earth to find you and let you know. Ironically, the more you blow her off, the more she will want you. Don't think you have to jump on every chance you get, you end up scaring them off. She has to talk YOU into taking her back, not the other way around.
> 
> 2 or 3 months of the silent treatment will tell you one way or another. Take care of yourself and work on being independent.
> 
> Keep posting. Most of us have been where you are at now and its the same story over and over.


THIS :iagree:


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Divorce her. You just don't understand. You are doing the worst thing you can, if you had any hope for reconciliation. She has contempt for you, because you don't respect yourself. As long as beg, plead, and cry, the more contempt she will have.

Immediately, separate banks, cut her off financially, get a lawyer and start proceedings.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Jeres said:


> I'm actually having an easier time than I have all week!! I owe it all to the people on this forum.


 Don't thank us yet...You're going on a ride and it's called the roller coaster of emotions. Some days you're gonna be sad, then angry, then indifferent, then happy, then back to sad....this will be normal.

I agree with others here. Keep contact to a minimum (if you can make it not at all, that would be better) 

Anytime you feel like contacting her, post here instead. Anytime she contacts you, post here instead of replying to her. People WILL talk you through this.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Don't thank us yet...You're going on a ride and it's called the roller coaster of emotions. Some days you're gonna be sad, then angry, then indifferent, then happy, then back to sad....this will be normal.
> 
> I agree with others here. Keep contact to a minimum (if you can make it not at all, that would be better)
> 
> Anytime you feel like contacting her, post here instead. Anytime she contacts you, post here instead of replying to her. People WILL talk you through this.


Very good advice and I will do that. It's very hard though. Yesterday when I decided to tell her that I can't just wait for you to unravel your confusion and that I am making the decision to end this so I no longer have to be subject to you playing with me, I felt better. 

The nights are the worst times. After I initially told her, I felt good. In fact I read all of the comments that people posted back to her so she can see how other people see this and than told her that I am moving on. I felt a sense of relief, I wasn't bothering myself about it too much. but as the evening wore on, I found myself in the same place as the previous night, maybe not as bad, but it wasn't great. I still woke up early and it's the first thing on my mind, so I can't go back to sleep. But, I didn't call her, didn't text her, I just forwarded a nice email that I sent to her parents telling them to look after her (she has an odd relationship with them). I know what I am doing, but it's a start and better than previous days. 

I feel trapped, I want to make her life hell, but am very reluctant. I could tell the people that she works with and that would ruin her career but what happens then? she might have nowhere to go and ends up coming back and I don't want that, especially under those circumstances. I could tell OM's on again off again girlfriend, but I'm not sure of the repercussions for me in that. And I only know that it's on again, off again from my WW telling me. She's sleeping at his place so it can't be too on. I mean I'm sure it would still have positive effects for me in some way, but I feel trapped by the potential negative ones. 

The only thing I feel 100% comfortable with doing, is to cut-off contact and show her that I have moved on, hoping that, that makes her feel insecure. But now, it's not even to get her back, I think and hope that she reflects and realizes what a mistake she has done and feels trapped by her decision.

I don't know, I just feel like such a loser in this. It's as if when you were a kid, your parents decided to act funny, not come home as much and you eventually find out they have moved in with another family - this just sucks and I want her to feel the pain of this. I would tell the people at her work, but I can't, while I live here because it would make things really tough and she would see it as, "why don't you just get it, I have moved on" and I don't think that attitude would benefit me or this process. 

in the state of California, how fast can I have her served for D papers and where do I find out how to do that?

Thanks so much guys!!


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Jeres----you can file and serve at the same time-----Costs $360 something to file, and then have her served------

What you should do is go to google, and type in California Family Codes---then look at everything---when you are finished, you will know what any atty., knows about calif. family law---divorce, custody, support, property, everything---go there and soak it all up


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey Jeres----you can file and serve at the same time-----Costs $360 something to file, and then have her served------
> 
> What you should do is go to google, and type in California Family Codes---then look at everything---when you are finished, you will know what any atty., knows about calif. family law---divorce, custody, support, property, everything---go there and soak it all up


Thanks, I will look over that. can you tell me where to go to file the papers? can I do it all online?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jeres said:


> Very good advice and I will do that. It's very hard though. Yesterday when I decided to tell her that I can't just wait for you to unravel your confusion and that I am making the decision to end this so I no longer have to be subject to you playing with me, I felt better.
> 
> The nights are the worst times. After I initially told her, I felt good. In fact* I read all of the comments that people posted back to her* so she can see how other people see this and than told her that I am moving on.
> 
> I feel trapped, I want to make her life hell, but am very reluctant.


:cone4::cone4::cone4::redcard::redcard:

Eh. You just fcked up. Don't beat yourself up too much but you did exactly what we told you NOT to do. DO NOT CONTACT HER. DO NOT QUOTE from this website what people are saying. Don't even let her know you're on TAM. Don't let her know anything about you. Don't aclling her saying she ruined your life and you want to inflict pain on her and blah blah blah. She will see you as a psycho/despserate loser who doesn't respect himself/can't let go even when she's kicking dirt in his face.

SILENCE. 

Not a peep from you to her. Do not contact her again. At all. 

Re: CA laws--you should google them or call up an attorney or your county courthouse for the laws. Every state is different re: requirements/protocol to file sep/divorce. 

NO MORE TALKING TO HER.

This woman left you go go live with another man.

AND YES........find out who the girlfriend is and EXPOSE the affair. Do this w/o telling your wife or the OM beforehand. Because if you warn them, it gives them time to corroborate stories and make you out to be the crazy one. Don't let them know beforehand.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I know... we have been married for 23 years, and together for 30- I have been with him for more of my life than I haven't. It makes me questions everything and yeah, scary as hell.


yes! I'm just so happy with the support we found here, allowing us not to feel like we are alone.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :cone4::cone4::cone4::redcard::redcard:
> 
> Eh. You just fcked up. Don't beat yourself up too much but you did exactly what we told you NOT to do. DO NOT CONTACT HER. DO NOT QUOTE from this website what people are saying. Don't even let her know you're on TAM. Don't let her know anything about you. Don't aclling her saying she ruined your life and you want to inflict pain on her and blah blah blah. She will see you as a psycho/despserate loser who doesn't respect himself/can't let go even when she's kicking dirt in his face.
> 
> ...


Thanks! I realized what I did was not the best move and she actually just texted me to say that it was very thoughtful and to see if I am ok. I didn't and have no intention to reply. I have an old friend flying in tonight to spend some time with me. 

so you suggest not to tell people at work, but do tell , what I think is the ex girlfriend? I would love to expose that to her and have many times thought about it, but I am scared of any repercussions coming my way. 

Does anyone have any experiences in this and what happened in their case. 

I will look up what I can do to have her served. I would really like to do it while she's at work.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

First of all, his GF has been in on off relationship with OM? So, the exposure is unlikely to bring about much effect in the first place. So, what repercussion are you afraid of? Your W getting mad at you and do what? She may actually thank you for cutting her competitor off her lover. In other words, you got nothing to lose here.

And, also for other exposures, I really don't see any downfalls from it. She now lives with him, no? You got nothing to lose.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Jeres said:


> I will look up what I can do to have her served. I would really like to do it while she's at work.


That's probably the best place since you know for sure she will be there.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> First of all, his GF has been in on off relationship with OM? So, the exposure is unlikely to bring about much effect in the first place. So, what repercussion are you afraid of? Your W getting mad at you and do what? She may actually thank you for cutting her competitor off her lover. In other words, you got nothing to lose here.
> 
> And, also for other exposures, I really don't see any downfalls from it. She now lives with him, no? You got nothing to lose.



If this has shown me anything, it's that people are selfish and self-involved and you never know what a person might do. So to gauge what that impact would be on him and what he would do about that to me, I'm not sure. 

In regards to telling the people at her work, that would come back and bite me as well. She works in a small office, of which there are two teams. my WW is the team leader of one and a newly made second team. Her team and the other, her old team of which she worked under the current team leader, both are given accounts of which they make commission off of by a person who seeks those accounts out and chooses who gets these accounts. The OM is one of two of these account finders and by far the better one. if the other team and especially the other team leader would find out, there would obviously be a conflict of interest and it would be harsh, especially since there is no upper management there or in this city for that matter. It's a juicy option and would feel great. but I would for sure see repercussions of this, I'm sure the affair would end, she would have no place to go, have to move back in and it would be horrible and she would just blame me for ruining her life saying harsh things and making this process a whole lot worse. But still is very tempting and I toy with it all the time. 

but yeah, telling the ex could lead to that anyways, and I don't need any sort of altercation that would be bad for me...but I still might.

thoughts?


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She's moved out. Keep her out. Change the locks. She can always rent if the OM kicks her out.

Is your home a rental? Or, do you own it? Jointly?


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Jeres said:


> Thanks! I realized what I did was not the best move and she actually just texted me to say that it was very thoughtful and to see if I am ok. I didn't and have no intention to reply. I have an old friend flying in tonight to spend some time with me .


Sweet Jebus that was NO BUENO, you basically gave away your hand. Now when she sees you avoiding her she is going to think you are playing games and going to wait you out (expecting you to crack before she does). Stop giving in to your emotions, they are irrational and will sabotage you if you continue that path. Always do the opposite of what you feel like doing. Every time you talk to her that's another nail in the coffin. 

Don't EVER tell her what you are doing, you just make yourself look that much more pathetic. You DO NOT want her to feel guilty or feel sorry for you, you have to look strong and show you will be fine without her, happy even. Never let her see you cry or act sad.

The goal is indifference, as if you don't care about her anymore. The best way to do this is to blow her off and show no interest in her or anything she has to say.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Sweet Jebus that was NO BUENO, *you basically gave away your hand. Now when she sees you avoiding her she is going to think you are playing games* and going to wait you out (expecting you to crack before she does). Stop giving in to your emotions, they are irrational and will sabotage you if you continue that path. Always do the opposite of what you feel like doing. Every time you talk to her that's another nail in the coffin.


That's a very good point. Wish I had thought of that.

She'll come onto this website and will know what you're doing.


----------



## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

Yeah, I had to change my handle to be sure she wasn't watching me.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

aug said:


> She's moved out. Keep her out. Change the locks. She can always rent if the OM kicks her out.
> 
> Is your home a rental? Or, do you own it? Jointly?


It's a rental that we are both on the lease. our finances are a bit tricky as well. My parents just gave me some inheritance form my grandparents about 2 weeks ago and I made sure to get it back and I don't want to share that with her, which she is cool with. I took it out in a check made out to myself. at this point, she is paying half for everything, rent, utilities - not through communication, but through just paying the bills form the same account - which makes my life easier especially if I will be moving back home and leaving my job here. 

It all just sucks!!


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

aug said:


> That's a very good point. Wish I had thought of that.
> 
> She'll come onto this website and will know what you're doing.


I just told her it was a forum, and read some of the comments to her. she doesn't know which one and I don't think she will find out.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Jeres----you need to go to the closest county courthouse to where you live----get a blank Divorce packet---it will cost you about $20---get custody paperwork, if that is involved

Take plenty of time, fill out the paperwork---get help filling out the packet---then take it back to that courthouse and file it----make 4 copies---one for the court---one to serve her with---and 2 for you to keep

It's easy enuff to do---its just mentally hard to do it---but you will save thousands of dollars in atty's fees, and it is very easy actually---thousands of couples do divorce by themselves w/out atty's---so just take your time on the paperwork

In calif. all courthouses are closed on friday's --so you need to go mon. thru thus.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

So, while your lease is on, you have to help her keep the job, is that it? Even though now she lives with him, as long as she pays half of all the stuff you mentioned, you don't want to rock the boat? 

This sucks.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

To be honest, at this point I would like to have her served as early as the start of next week, I think it will feel much more real when she gets those docs handed to her by a stranger.....do they say " persons name?" "yes" "you've been served" or is that just from the movies?


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> So, while your lease is on, you have to help her keep the job, is that it? Even though now she lives with him, as long as she pays half of all the stuff you mentioned, you don't want to rock the boat?
> 
> This sucks.


well if I am going to leave where I am and my job I really don't need more of a financial burden than one that I have already committed to.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Jeres said:


> To be honest, at this point I would like to have her served as early as the start of next week, I think it will feel much more real when she gets those docs handed to her by a stranger.....do they say " persons name?" "yes" "you've been served" or is that just from the movies?


The process server needs to verify the person. Or, you could provide a picture of your wife for the server.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey Jeres----you need to go to the closest county courthouse to where you live----get a blank Divorce packet---it will cost you about $20---get custody paperwork, if that is involved
> 
> Take plenty of time, fill out the paperwork---get help filling out the packet---then take it back to that courthouse and file it----make 4 copies---one for the court---one to serve her with---and 2 for you to keep
> 
> ...


who serves her? how do I get that arranged once I finish the paperwork.

Also, if I do it that way, what do we do about possessions?


----------



## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

This book can help guide you through the process How to Do Your Own Divorce in California by Charles Sherman - Nolo


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Anyone can serve her---pay a friend, or hire someone to deliver it to her----

As to property split---you can put a preliminary split down on the paperwork, or sit down with her, and get a tentative agreement---fill in the paperwork, and file it----you can always amend anything/everything latter on-----you can even decide property split later on

I will tell you one thing---when you do this---you are gonna wake her from her fantasyland big time, and real quick----she may/may not wanna end up with you---but i imagine she has never really thought thru the fact that you might actually leave her, and force her to go it alone-----


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sometimes a divorce can be the catalyst that can help an unfaithful former spouse to make the decision to seek out the professional counseling he/she needs in order to become a whole person.

In any case, there is no shame in choosing either D or R. None is easy but the most important question each of us must ask ourselves is *'Which of the two will actually help me to heal from the ordeal?'*


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

At this point, I'm not even sure that I want her back, even though I feel like I do. Like cigarettes, once you stop you really want one, but they're bad for you. But I do want her to feel the bad for what she's done and grasp the complexities and repercussions of her actions.

I am going to the courthouse on monday and will see about starting the process. I just want all this to be over with.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Right now you do NOT want her back. She is living with the OM, for chrissakes.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Right now you do NOT want her back. She is living with the OM, for chrissakes.


I know! it's just very hard, but she has texted me twice now and I have not replied. I have a friend flying 5 hours to be here and offer support.....but this is very hard and I keep going through different emotions and it's taking its toll. but right now, I know Ihave to do the opposite of what feels good. I really don't think I could do any of this without all of you - you've all been a godsend.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Jeres said:


> I know! it's just very hard, but she has texted me twice now and I have not replied. I have a friend flying 5 hours to be here and offer support.....but this is very hard and I keep going through different emotions and it's taking its toll. but right now, I know Ihave to do the opposite of what feels good. I really don't think I could do any of this without all of you - you've all been a godsend.


What is she texting you about?


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Do not respond to her email/txting. 180 her! She should know the reality of what she has done. Stop being nice to her and most of all, Stop Being a Doormat !!!


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

chapparal said:


> What is she texting you about?


Yesterday I said that I cannot do this any more and told her I am leaving and ending it. She was on the fence...just like everybody says, she wasn't willing to change her life, but she wasn't confident enough to give me a definitive no. so after finding this forum and talking to everyone, I told her that I am ending it. 

we had a civil conversation and talked about what we are going to do for now regarding stuff money and she ended it saying she would call me tomorrow. 

Her texts are asking if "I am doing ok?" there's guilt on her side, but I think she still wants to remain in contact, hence not feeling confident with all that's gone on.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What in the world is she texting you?? (By the way, her behavior is totaly normal for a wayward spouse).

Keep up the no contact. 

Everytime I you feel the urge to go for the phone and write her back think of her living at the OM's house. DO NOT respond.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> Do not respond to her email/txting. 180 her! She should know the reality of what she has done. Stop being nice to her and most of all, Stop Being a Doormat !!!


That's what I am doing. I really miss her and this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I am staying strong and won't reply. 

Thanks fir the support!!!


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What in the world is she texting you?? (By the way, her behavior is totaly normal for a wayward spouse).
> 
> Keep up the no contact.
> 
> Everytime I you feel the urge to go for the phone and write her back think of her living at the OM's house. DO NOT respond.


I'm not. I realized last night, that of course she's lying about why she's living at his house, even if she kind of believes her lie. she's also, I'm sure lied about the scope of the affair, seeing how common this behaviour is has really helped understand


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She's worried about you, just not that worried.

Do you have anyone you can go out with, it is Friday night?


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

chapparal said:


> She's worried about you, just not that worried.
> 
> Do you have anyone you can go out with, it is Friday night?


Thankfully a friend is flying 5 hrs to be with me this weekend.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Are you kidding me? She admits that she is living with OM, but she downplays it by saying what ? She is just keeping her friend, nothing but a friend, warm at night because the poor man's heater ain't working? Swears absolutely no sex has been involved?


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> Are you kidding me? She admits that she is living with OM, but she downplays it by saying what ? She is just keeping her friend, nothing but a friend, warm at night because the poor man's heater ain't working? Swears absolutely no sex has been involved?


yeah, pretty much...this is the person whom I have spent my entire adult life with, who I have travelled the world with...pretty much


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

Third text, man, you guys predict the future, this is the most animalistic behaviour I have ever encountered...all this is so predictable now and I am prepared.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, from what I've read, you're worried about the exposure for her work....if you want to hold off on that...fine.

However, nothing is stopping you from contacting the in-laws and telling them what's going on, " Sorry to tell you this in-laws but WW and I are getting a divorce because she left me for OM. She's currently living with him. Nothing more I can do."

If you don't expose the TRUTH, you leave it open for her to tell LIES about what happened....i.e.

" We weren't getting along for a while now."
" We weren't happy and we decided it would be best if we seperated."
" We just grew apart."

That's exactly what she's telling people.

She tells a viable story of another unfortunate marriage ending and no one is the wiser that OM is in the picture.

Affairs are like roaches. The love the dark. But, once you turn on the light, they scatter. Bring the truth on why your marriage ended into the light will pop the fantasy of her affair. It will put a huge strain on their relationship and your and her family will never FULLY except the OM due to how he came into your WW and busted up a marriage.

EXPOSE THE TRUTH!!!! Don't make this easy for her. She doesn't deserve a free pass.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Well, from what I've read, you're worried about the exposure for her work....if you want to hold off on that...fine.
> 
> However, nothing is stopping you from contacting the in-laws and telling them what's going on, " Sorry to tell you this in-laws but WW and I are getting a divorce because she left me for OM. She's currently living with him. Nothing more I can do."
> 
> ...


Thanks.

I have, when I found out, I wrote a 10 page letter to her parents telling them everything that went on in fine detail. unfortunately, that was before I found out she was living there. I did send them another letter last night, telling them that they should be there for her, that she has no really established friends over here...I left out where she was living, for one reason, not to upset the parents too much...she has had a difficult relationship with them and we were supposed to go home in august and after she came back from a work trip (start of the affair) and she changed and decided she didn't want to come home and cut off her relationship with them (big sign I know) and didn't talk to them at all, until 2 days before she finally admitted, cheating at the time, with someone who doesn't exist...so I really didn't want to make them anxious being far away and not really having a good relationship of late


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Jeres said:


> Thanks.
> 
> I have, when I found out, I wrote a 10 page letter to her parents telling them everything that went on in fine detail. unfortunately, that was before I found out she was living there. I did send them another letter last night, telling them that they should be there for her, that she has no really established friends over here...I left out where she was living, for one reason, not to upset the parents too much...she has had a difficult relationship with them and we were supposed to go home in august and after she came back from a work trip (start of the affair) and she changed and decided she didn't want to come home and cut off her relationship with them (big sign I know) and didn't talk to them at all, until 2 days before she finally admitted, cheating at the time, with someone who doesn't exist...so I really didn't want to make them anxious being far away and not really having a good relationship of late


 None of that is your fault. Her affair and how she conducted herself is NOT YOUR FAULT! You can be blamed for 50% of the problems in your marriage and she can be blamed for the other 50%. But her affair is 100% on her. She made that choice, not you. So, if things get rocky with her folks, that's her doing. Not yours. You're just telling the truth about what happened in your marriage. Nothing more.

What the hell did she text now?!?!


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

crossbar said:


> None of that is your fault. Her affair and how she conducted herself is NOT YOUR FAULT! You can be blamed for 50% of the problems in your marriage and she can be blamed for the other 50%. But her affair is 100% on her. She made that choice, not you. So, if things get rocky with her folks, that's her doing. Not yours. You're just telling the truth about what happened in your marriage. Nothing more.


The thing is, It's not protecting her, I just don't want hurt her parents and put them in a bad place, being that they live so far, she's still their daughter and I don't want them to go crazy. I don't know, I know how this feels to be hurt and I don't want to inflict it on them

I was thinking of maybe just telling them where she is, so they know because she might not be talking to them.

I will think about it, thoughts???


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Like I said, stop being so nice !!!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Jeres said:


> Third text, man, you guys predict the future, this is the most animalistic behaviour I have ever encountered...all this is so predictable now and I am prepared.


What does this even mean?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jeres said:


> The thing is, It's not protecting her, I just don't want hurt her parents and put them in a bad place, being that they live so far, she's still their daughter and I don't want them to go crazy. I don't know, I know how this feels to be hurt and I don't want to inflict it on them
> 
> I was thinking of maybe just telling them where she is, so they know because she might not be talking to them.
> 
> I will think about it, thoughts???


Please explain why you are protecting both her and her parents from feeling the full repercussions of this affair?

You know blood is thicker than water and they WILL support their daughter no matter what, even against you if push comes to shove. Sure, they might be disappointed in her actions, but they won't go crazy. They might be able to put additional pressure on her. The goal here should be to put as much pressure on the affair as possible, to make it as uncomfortable as possible, to let reality in.

If you expose this to her parents, do it with the purpose of exposing this affair, not out of concern for her.


----------



## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Jeres said:


> who serves her?


You can have a friend do it. I had my neighbor serve him and she just had to sign a piece of paper with her info and I mailed it back to my lawyer.
Or if your friends are uncomfortable about it, you can hire a process server, costs like $25


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

chapparal said:


> What does this even mean?


meaning, I thought she was different, but when this happens, they're all the same....for instance, when you see a bear you are supposed to stay calm and walk away slowly; animals always behave the same way...same with cheating spouses. doesn't mean I am taking her back if she wanted to, I am doing a 180 and it's starting to feel good. I know I have arough road ahead, but I am starting to come to grips with things and as well seeing this as an oppertunity for myself.


----------



## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Jeres said:


> Third text, man, you guys predict the future, this is the most animalistic behaviour I have ever encountered...all this is so predictable now and I am prepared.


welcome to the jungle


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Please explain why you are protecting both her and her parents from feeling the full repercussions of this affair?
> 
> You know blood is thicker than water and they WILL support their daughter no matter what, even against you if push comes to shove. Sure, they might be disappointed in her actions, but they won't go crazy. They might be able to put additional pressure on her. The goal here should be to put as much pressure on the affair as possible, to make it as uncomfortable as possible, to let reality in.
> 
> If you expose this to her parents, do it with the purpose of exposing this affair, not out of concern for her.


I probably will. but if it gets too intense over there in wonderland, I know that OM will probably say hit the road, I'm sure this means much more to her than it does him and than where does she go? here? I don't want to see her here, 2 days ago I would of kissed her feet if she returned, right now, I am happy to be apart and getting happier


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Expose the affair to her parents. Let them know she's living w him. How long ago did she leave to live with him? What's the back story on this guy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jeres said:


> I probably will. but if it gets too intense over there in wonderland, I know that OM will probably say hit the road, I'm sure this means much more to her than it does him and than where does she go? here? I don't want to see her here, 2 days ago I would of kissed her feet if she returned, right now, I am happy to be apart and getting happier


Keep this song in mind, I Will Survive By Gloria Gaynor

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

CHANGE YOUR HANDLE. She can and will put the text into google and it will find your thread.

Don't tell her about it. Don't flag that you are doing it. 

This sounds like I think the woman you loved is a lying, manipulative cheat.

She is.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Expose the affair to her parents. Let them know she's living w him. How long ago did she leave to live with him? What's the back story on this guy?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her parents know about it. I wrote them a huge esaay detailed with everything in it. They are not people who will challange her and probably won't even say anything - trust me. 

He's a sales man, he works in their office a small office with not too many other people in there, especially in regards to dating material. He is in a way playing her, he wept her off her feet, looked out for her, recomended her did all the right things to make her feel special. for instance, would not be overly social with anybody, but had sort of the office looking up to him, than would open up to her a little bit more than other people ( I remember her sort of mentioning something like that) he knew what he was doing, I don't know to what extent he really wants her living there and for how long, I don't see him as someone who really cares deeply about other people (without the obvious example) and wants to build this into something long-term. 

There is no chance for reconciliation between us, I really don't see that happeneing whenever this ends. I wish them misery and her a huge amount of guilt that she lives with for the rest of her life. 

This is really hard, at times I feel good and at others, I don't. this just sucks and is making me curious about who I will end up becoming. obviously this has shattered me and I wonder how I will ever trust someone again, this is the worst typ eof pain, blindsiding that exists and I never thought I would be in this situation, I have no idea how to handle it, especially since, I 'm sure she's having a much better time than me and it's hard to find fairness in that. 

Sorry I rambled a bit, it just came out. I still miss her, I still wonder how in the world this ever happened, why like this? it's been by far, the worst week of my life and I was put here by the person I thought I would be buried next to. 

sorry, rambling is therapy. a friend arrives in a few hours and it will be nice to have company.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Keep this song in mind, I Will Survive By Gloria Gaynor
> 
> First I was afraid
> I was petrified
> ...


thanks, I look forward to a moment like that song describes!!


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

ing said:


> CHANGE YOUR HANDLE. She can and will put the text into google and it will find your thread.
> 
> Don't tell her about it. Don't flag that you are doing it.
> 
> ...


I can't see how to do this


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Rambling is good. Vent here if you need to.

Know that when all this pass, you'll be stronger and wiser. But she will always know what she is and that will never go away.


----------



## Jeres (Oct 27, 2011)

aug said:


> Rambling is good. Vent here if you need to.
> 
> Know that when all this pass, you'll be stronger and wiser. But she will always know what she is and that will never go away.


I hope so, right now I feel as if that might never happen, because how could someone treat another like this and eventually find out how crazy they were? she's out to lunch, but I really question if she's going to return from lunch. At this point, I just want to start feeling better and move on


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Jeres---when you go to the courts---ask for the area, where they have the blank paperwork---tell the clerk what you need, they will give you the proper packet/packets-----take your time filling them out---figure out how YOU wanna split the property, write it on the form, and fill out and sign everything else

If you have any problems with anything---go to google, look up the Calif. Family Codes, in the area of Divorce, property, and custody if that applies, and fill out your form, as needed, its pretty self explanatory---make your copies, ---go to the family law clerk, at the courthouse---file your Divorce---make sure the clerk, stamps ALL the copies, or at least the one to be served, and one of the copies you will keep

Find someone to serve her---it can be done at her work, or where she lives---you can pay a U S Marshall to serve her----they have an office in the courthouse

Once you have served her---she has 30 days to file an answer or she automatically loses on default---so I promise you---the sh*t will hit the fan, and the fun will just be beginning----see she is sitting there figuring you will do nothing, and she can just sit pretty and do her little cheating thing----guess again!!!!!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Even if you don't want to expose to her work now - do it as soon as the divorce is signed. 

Keeping her secret does nothing but helps her cheat.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Spammer alert. Gosh they're soo annoying and unoriginal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

