# I don't think I can stay



## NGWife (Sep 27, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6. He's never had a very good track record with staying faithful, and I probably shouldn't have married him in the first place if I'm being honest with myself. Anyway, it's usually nothing physical, but he will text girls or talk to them on Facebook. He flirts and says sexual things to them. A little over a year ago, he left me and had a sexual relationship with a coworker. He refused to come back and wanted a divorce. I chased for awhile, but once I finally went to counseling on my own and told him I was going to be fine he changed his mind and wanted to come home. I gave in because I didn't think we should throw everything away just two years into our marriage. I got pregnant soon after, and I don't think we ever really worked through everything. He told me he would never do it again, that he didn't know why he did it in the first place. I had our baby, and recently, I found some flirtatious messages with a girl on his phone. I confronted him, and he swears it was just him trying to catch someone in a lie. I'm having a hard time believing it. Last night, I found messages with yet another girl. It was not sexual, but I guess you could say they were bonding over one of my husband's interests that I'm not into. I've gotten to the point where it doesn't surprise me to find these things, and I'm not as hurt by it. We're haven't been intimate for more than 6 months. I don't even like the thought of being intimate with him because I don't feel like I can trust him. I don't think I can do this anymore, but he supports me. I'm a stay at home mom and full time student. I have been looking for a job but haven't had any luck yet. I guess I'm just looking for advice or maybe someone who has gone through this before. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just not happy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's a very hard thing to deal with.


It's clear that you really do need to leave him. He's not going to quit cheating. So it's time to put together an exit plan.

I'm assuming that you live in the USA... if you don't let us know.

Do you have any friends or family who you can live with until you get on your feet?

If you don't have someone to help you, you can do an in-house separation.

I suggest that you start by seen an attorney and find out your rights in divorce. For example an attorney can file for interim spousal support and child support for you until the divorce is final. That can help you. Even if you are living in the same house, you can have the money withdrawn from pay and sent directly to you. You would pay half the bills but you have control over your half of it.

So start with an attorney.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Indeed.com
Monster.com
Many other job posting websites
And also temp agencies. There are many of them. Register with more than one, and you'll likely stay working without many lapse periods in between. People can always find a job. If you don't have Microsoft Office skills, you can download trials and then find tutorials on their website and hundreds of other places on the internet. If you want warehouse or factory work, there are many of those too. I don't know your area, but I bet there is somewhere to find a job. Job boards and temp agencies can help.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Glad you used the term 'intimacy',, cuz, other 'stuff' notwithstanding,, it's an intimacy issue. He can get close,, but no closer.

Cuz he can't quite get there with you,, he seeks the bit that's missing from the other women,, but won't find it there either cuz he can't give 100%.

The clincher is his panic and return when you were set to end it. He wants you remote,, but not that remote.

Without help he'll always be looking to get over that last hurdle,,, but the problem is inside him and he's looking for the solution outside of his current relationship.

The effect of his 'condition' on you will be his inconsideration, selfishness and an inability to meet your intimacy requirements. He may be able to fake it in the short term but can't sustain it.

That you're not surprised or particularly hurt by your recent discoveries demonstrates that you're half way out the door already. 

You may as well keep on going. If it were only the intimacy issue it wouldn't be so bad. Selfless types can be loyal and give you their 90%. Selfish ones seek the remainder elsewhere and are secretive and inconsiderate in that process. It eats into the 90 and you're lucky if you get 50 when he's with you and 10 when he ain't. You share the 90 with the OWs.

Let him give his 90% to his next victim - he'll sneak around on her, too, for that illusive 10%.


If you're in no danger, no need to rush. Just make your plan to leave then follow it through when you're ready.

If a part of you is still thinking about hanging in there,, think on this.

The condition - intimacy or any other - isn't definitive. All conditions are subjected to the personality. His personality is selfish rather than empathetic. That makes him MUCH harder to treat,, and probably more reluctant to get treatment anyway.

Getting to the root of an intimacy issue, getting him to understand it and deal with it appropriately would take a long time. If you're very lucky, 6 - 12 months,, then he has to practise what he's learned. Two years or more.

Throw selfish in there and it interferes with every stage of the process. Reluctant to get treatment, to follow advice or practice it.

That's the kicker. The condition can be cured or made managable. The personality cannot. Wherever you are on the empathy/sociopathy scale is set. The only treatment you can offer the afflicted is to get them to understand how their bad behaviour negatively impacts them. They typically know that anyway.

Generally speaking,, the selfish will always seek to fulfill their desires without being caught. It's just a matter of how selfish they are and what needs they want met. 

In your case, then. Treating your hubby's condition to make it managable or gone would be difficult to impossible. Even if it were successful, he'd still be selfish and prone towards inconsiderate or worse behaviour.

I wouldn't be hanging too many hats on them odds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Glad you used the term 'intimacy',, cuz, other 'stuff' notwithstanding,, it's an intimacy issue. He can get close,, but no closer.
> 
> Cuz he can't quite get there with you,, he seeks the bit that's missing from the other women,, but won't find it there either cuz he can't give 100%.
> 
> ...


A very insightful post!:smthumbup:


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