# M i being ignored....



## Calla (Mar 27, 2013)

Im 29...he's 33..

I met this guy online and we have been talking to on the phone everynight for 1 month. It was agreed between us that we wanted to see whether there was any connection before arranging a meetup. We have fixed a date in April for an outing...our daily interactions involve texting and the daily call / calls. He seemed like such a sweet guy, once called me in early morning after he came home after clubbing bc he was concerned that I might be imagining things bc I did not reply to his text the night before he went out. I felt quite touched by that gesture..im currently separated from my husband and had only started dating not that long ago...insecurity is an issue for me as my husband is a cheater and likes to play mind games w me. So when he made the effort to call...i felt that he was really quite sweet. 

1st incident: Last Sun during our nightly call, he mentioned that he felt pressure from me...that we must talk everynight and things seem to be moving too fast...he shared things that he would normally only do with his girlfriends..i thought that was unfair bc I would be understanding enough if he tells me that he needs to work...i admit i did tease him via sms that day saying: i wana talk to u tonight...dun care  time and again he had reassured me that he wanted to talk to me too and that he really liked me...asking me not to worry abt such silly things..

2nd incident: On Tue...he called me to let me know that he was v sick...he did sound v sick...so since then...we still interact daily...but mainly via one or two sms per day...in the texts he still tell me he miss me too etc...this continues till sun when I felt that I seem to be bugging him and thus i didnt text him at all...nothing from him...during the week that he respond...he would apologise that he felt bad that he is too sick or tired to talk to me..

This mon, i dropped him a text to say hi...static....yesterday morning i texted him again...and he only replied w a "I just woke up" at 7.19pm...so i said: wow, so u must have energy to talk to me tonight ;P....once again static.....I realised he posted something on his facebook on Mon morning....if he can post on facebook...whats a simple sms or call? Thats what he has been doing all along..no?

Anyway...im starting to get a little annoyed and hurt....so i texted him a final message today: I realised things seem a little quiet between us, is there something i should know? feeling a little hurt that u seem to be avoiding or ignoring me. Ill leave u alone to ur own space. I still like you and hope ur feeling all right. 

Bottomline: I really like this guy....BUT i do not like having to feel that Im chasing him...my friend said it is quite obvious something is bothering him...not sure what I can do...but for now..im not gonna text him anymore....

Both of us removed our online dating profile bc we agreed that we wanted to concentrate on getting to know each other better (actually he took his down ist)...jus feeling confused on what happened..perhaps i was too affectionate and scare him off? haiz...

I guess I already knew Im being ignored...jus not sure what else can I do...


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

He already told you he felt things were moving too fast. Now his actions indicate he is slowing things down. Could be he wants to move on. You haven't even met face-to-face yet. Don't move too fast.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My guess (as a guy)... He's losing interest. How do you "move fast" when you haven't even met each other in person? I wouldn't be surprised if you see a very similar profile up on that dating site or a similar very soon (if not a week ago).

Who's idea was it to wait till April to meet?

C


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Slow down or you will lose him! 

Let him chase you. I personally believe men should initiate 90% of the time, during coutship, b4 marriage. 
Read men are from mars, women r from Venus, and think like a lady, date like a men. And also Evan marc Katz blog.

Go read now or be forever single!


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

*You are sounding needy and desperate. Leave him alone.*


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes, try to stop chasing him - if you end up sending him a ton of messages all ignored you'll start to feel even more upset.

Keep your dignity. Stay back. If he never contacts you ever again, whilst you may not have "closure", let it be. It's hard when you like someone but not worth losing sleep over - especially if you've never met him! My guess is that all this talking to an arranged meet up in April builds like a pressure cooker - 

Rather than chat to someone for a month, try meeting them for a quick coffee early on to see if you click/or if there is chemistry there (face to face). That way you're not investing emotionally into someone who exists by phone/text/email only.


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## Calla (Mar 27, 2013)

Hi Pbear, 

Thanks for ur input. Well initially we just agreed that we ll chat ist...about 2 weeks ago...he asked when are we meeting up...and so we decided in April after he comes bk from a trip...the thing was he has been reassuring me that he was still looking forward to our meeting...that he missed me...right up to last 2 days when he sorta "disappeared". 

Anyway I dun wan to make excuses for him anymore. Be it sick or busy...it doesn't take tt much effort to reply a text or pick up e phone. He was doing all that perfectly fine for weeks. 

I might be out of a miserable marriage but seem like my luck w men is still not looking that good haha.


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## Calla (Mar 27, 2013)

yours4ever said:


> Slow down or you will lose him!
> 
> Let him chase you. I personally believe men should initiate 90% of the time, during coutship, b4 marriage.
> Read men are from mars, women r from Venus, and think like a lady, date like a men. And also Evan marc Katz blog.
> ...


Yup...read all the above...more to learn for me..

Read all those when I was stuck in that nightmarish marriage...my previous post was as Lyonene...think u and Pbear replied me the last time...in 2011...


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## Calla (Mar 27, 2013)

Yup...not texting him anymore...still have a little pride left


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Calla said:


> Yup...not texting him anymore...still have a little pride left


The minute I believe I am losing my pride, I ditch the guy. No one is worth losing that over. I will compromise, I will sacrifice to an extent but -- give up my pride? No way! 

But here's the thing. You are not divorced yet. You are separated from a husband that cheated on you. You are still reeling, I'm sure, from that betrayal. Even you said that you are suffering from self esteem issues. This is no time to jump back into dating. Especially online dating. Your expectations of someone are too high which makes the fear of rejection much greater. You need to take a break from romantic relationships for a while until you start to love yourself again. Once you accomplish that then you won't be so quick as to "hang your hat" on someone like this. And let's be frank --- this guy owes you nothing at this point. 

But please know that I understand how addictive external validation can be especially when you are feeling so bad about yourself. And trust me, that addiction is hard to break! It's a form of co-dependency and you have to white knuckle your way through it. But on the other side of the healing process you will find a very strong, healthy and PRIDEFUL woman staring back at you.  

You won't find what you want until you stop accepting what you don't want. 

Say no to him and start saying yes to you. 

Hugs.


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## Calla (Mar 27, 2013)

Hi IrishGirlVA,

Thanks. Ur absolutely right...bc deep down I know I'm suffering from low self esteem....feeling insecure...scared of rejection..started online dating bc I wanted to shift my focus away from my ex...it helped but w it comes a diff set of probs  meeting flaky men is prob not the best thing for me. I wanted love and yet I'm really afraid of love. With this guy..I was so hung up on him prob bc he had been reassuring me all the time...till the last 2 days when he did a Houdini act...oh well I really need to protect this heart of mine a little more.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't be so quick to jump into a new relationship.

Work on you. Find out who you are. Then you'll be ready for someone new.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Calla said:


> Im 29...he's 33..
> 
> *I met this guy online* and we have been talking to on the phone everynight for *1 month*.
> 
> ...


First things first: you are still married. Why are you wanting to rush fast forward into another relationship? You said yourself you have insecurity issues over your husband. Why on earth would you start dating if you haven't even worked through that??? While you are still married?

Also, that is way too much pressure for the first month of dating. Waaay too much. You haven't even met him!



Calla said:


> I guess I already knew Im being ignored...jus not sure what else can I do...


Do nothing. If he's ignoring you, take a hint and move on.

I would sort out your divorce first and all the trauma that goes along with that (therapy, exercise, good friends, etc).a


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You sound needy, someone who needed to speak to me everyday would be an automatic launch.


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

Why put so much energies in someone who you don't really know?

Not to be negative but, he might be all lies... You can never know. 

Besides, it's been only one month. I think that's way to fast to be this worried. 

Maybe you can try looking at this guy as a friend and then see what comes next BUT keep doing your own things and don't make him a priority. If you really want to have something with him, take your time and give him time... Think outside of the box...

Suerte!


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## Calla (Mar 27, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the input....so...he texted me last night...and said he was swamped with clearing his backlog as he was sick for 1 week...has been working around the clock for 3 days...shortly after he called...he was still sick and he admitted he was blowing me off - but not in e way i thought...he said it was his bad habit of shutting everyone off when he is sick/stressed..thats his way of coping.....so we talked about some random stuff before he has to get back to work...oh well.....he said he'll call tmr...and we are definitely meeting up real soon...but in the meantime i should just chill a little...the drama queen..thats what he calls me...i suppose i am  

As for talking everynight....i wasnt demanding that from him...i enjoyed talking to him but i understand if he cant due to work or social engagements...bc to be fair there are days when we didnt talk at all....but not when there is no communication at all for days. I jus personally dislike it when people do not reply a message after 24 hours...think thats kinda rude? Or maybe thats jus me. 

But one thing i totally agree is that I should just take this a little easier...see him as a friend...and not like a potential partner....this will be easier and better for all..


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Sounds like he's probably talking to other women while talking to you. He's playing the field. If he was dedicated to getting to know you, you wouldn't be having these awkward conversations and feeling like you're being ignored. 

And everyone else is right....guys like to chase you...once he sees that he has you tagged, he won't feel the need to woo you anymore. He already knows you like him a lot, and probably is seeing what other options he has other than you before he makes any big decision. But by the looks of it, he is avoiding you now. 

My advice is to cut off communication. If he texts you, ignore him for a while. 24 hour period AT LEAST. Let him think about you a bit and wonder what you're up to. Then when you do choose to text him, make the text short and un-revealing. As if, you're too busy to be talking with him. And then let him wait 10 hours before the next text...continue on like that. 

If you can give him the impression that you are not as easy as you have made yourself look to be, he will find you more desirable. By the sounds of it, he's the type of guy looking for the chase. So give it to him. Let him think he is "winning" you.


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## Calla (Mar 27, 2013)

The answer is out. He didnt call me when he said he would (ist time he has done this) and of cos, no texts nothing - safe to say he is doing a disappearing act on me. One moment of intense interest to a died down to disappearance. Anyway, ive told myself NOT to contact him in anyway. The one promise I made to myself if to never let a man decide that he can walks in and out of my life as and when he wishes. As my good friend said: the problem with me is I make too many excuses for the man. 

For now, I just need to shift my focus to myself.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Good idea to shift focus back on yourself. And if he comes out of hiding make sure he knows it is NOT ok to just poof whenever he feels like it. Remember --- we teach people how to treat us. If you teach him that it is ok for him to just come back and forth and all he has to do is come up with some lame excuse then this pattern will never change.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

When you meet someone online, try to meet within 1 week. Sorry this happened to you!


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## Calla (Mar 27, 2013)

*Just simply annoyed..*

jus simply annoyed at why ppl like to do this disappearing act. Isnt it faster and more mature to tell someone: hey, ive lost interest or even to say sorry but ive met someone? (thats what i norm do)...rather than to leave someone hanging. Or perhaps as what many said...the guys jus wan the chase. He was the one who called me regularly, who kept assuring me that its fine..that he wanted to talk to me etc etc...pfft...and when i let my guard down and started to like him more n more...the disappearing act starts...seriously....im jus in a ranting mood...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

IMO, nothing can be real when it comes to online 'dating' until a couple have met in person. Not having the benefit of body language and other cues with which to judge what the other person is telling you, the 'relationship' might well be pure fantasy, built only on what the other person has chosen to tell/not tell you. 

If at this stage you feel he's backing off, I'd listen to what he is telling you and back off.

There are married people out there who frequent dating sites just to get their egos stroked, and have no intention of taking things further than just messaging and texting members of the opposite sex.


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## Calla (Mar 27, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> IMO, nothing can be real when it comes to online 'dating' until a couple have met in person. Not having the benefit of body language and other cues with which to judge what the other person is telling you, the 'relationship' might well be pure fantasy, built only on what the other person has chosen to tell/not tell you.
> 
> If at this stage you feel he's backing off, I'd listen to what he is telling you and back off.


Yup, i am backing off. Honestly i just felt that all of these might have just been a big lie. Im probably the silly one who fell for it. Lesson learnt: keep the distance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There could be several things going on. Sometimes guys pull back while they are deciding if they want to take the relationship further. If you chase them at that point, you will lose them. If you just move on with your life... he might decide that he really is interested in meeting you and taking things further, then he's yours (at least yours to meet at this phase).

Another thing it could be is that he is really a married man. So many of the guys who do this online are married men. They lie up a storm and pretend to be something they are not. They have no intention of meeting anyone. After all if you do meet them you'd find out that the guy is really 60, looks like he's 100, and has a wife and 10 kids at home. LOL

There is a different between finding potential dates/partners via some oneline source and 'internet dating'. Internet dating is litterally only knowing the person on-line and maybe via phone calls. I've read of people who do this for years and live their life around this fantacy person they only know online.

What you want to do, when you are really ready to date, is to meet someone on an online source. Then meet them in person pretty quickly. Before you meet them in person get their name and where they work. Then do some online investigation about them.. check for court cases, etc. Check out where they say they work. 

I made sure I called them at work so ensure that they really worked where they said they did.. now maybe I could not tell from a phone call if they were the janitor or the VP they said they were.. but at least I knew they were not lying about that.

Then meet them as soon as you can, turn it into real life and take it off the internet. Meet in a safe place for coffee. Something little. drive your self so you can leave if you feel the need.

Don't waste weeks of your time on texts and phone calls and getting emotionally involved in someone who you have not met in person. All that texting is really a waste of your time because you don't even know if this person is real.

It’s getting close to the time when you were going to meet him… and now he’s back out. This could very well be sign that he does not want you to see who he really is.


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## Calla (Mar 27, 2013)

*Thanks EleGirl!*

Thanks for your advice. Well I did do some investigation work on him prior to all these haha. In fact, he's also on my Facebook and I found out we had a mutual fren ( my old classmate). Of cos I can't know for sure whether he had a gf/wife. He's actually an expat in my country. In any case, no matter what's his reasons for backing off, I dun care anymore. Better luck next time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Live and learn... life is a journey. Enjoy the explorationl Avoid the dangers.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Calla said:


> Yup, i am backing off. Honestly i just felt that all of these might have just been a big lie. Im probably the silly one who fell for it. Lesson learnt: keep the distance.


*Don't get Catfished! *


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

The ladies are right. besides the fact that he's obviously been scared off, he very well could be married. I know it's redundant for you to hear now, but honestly, to tell you the truth, my own H was doing that for years behind my back. He was always hooking some poor woman into falling for him, then he would either do what this guy did to you, or he would go even further and start an actual relationship outside of our M for a while. 

If I were you, because I myself would not trust anyone anymore (especially online)...I would make sure that any guy is willing to meet in a public place withing a week if you like him, and if he claims to like you. If the guy continues to postpone dates and makes meeting or even phone calls/texts a difficult thing (with excuses or ignoring), then he is either lying to you about something, or is just a complete jerk. So either way, he's a loser.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

*Re: Thanks EleGirl!*



Calla said:


> In any case, no matter what's his reasons for backing off, I dun care anymore.


This is test #2 for you.

Test #1 was when he said his way of dealing with a "backlog" was to ignore you. That was already something you should not accept. The answer is cool - I'm not the kind of girl for you then. Thx. 

Test #2 is whether you are a complete doormat. Remove him from facebook. Put your profile back up on the dating site. Don't return calls or texts. 

If you can do that then you have earned your own self-respect.


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