# filing for divorce first



## mjsailor72 (Jan 7, 2016)

What are the benefits of being the partner who file for divorce first. My wife asked for the separation, she is out of the house now, but I plan on leaving on a couple weeks. We have a 16 year old that I feel we can be respectful of and work out shared custody.


----------



## header (Nov 14, 2015)

There's no benefit in being first to file. 

If anything, you'll piss her off and be less likely to work out the shared custody without the help of expensive litigation.

Why not go the mediation route first?


----------



## mjsailor72 (Jan 7, 2016)

Good advice. Unsure how mediation works.


----------



## header (Nov 14, 2015)

A mediator is a neutral third party who helps the two spouses come to an agreement on the various terms of the divorce including asset distribution, spousal and child support, that sort of thing. Once agreements are made, the mediator will guide you via an attorney to make everything legal which eventually will be put in front of a judge who will give it the final ok.

That's in stark contrast to each side getting their own attorney who will make them each have unreasonable expectations as to what they will get in a divorce, and they will fight it out to the tune of almost $1000 per hour in combined legal fees until most of the assets are spent and the warring spouses will never be able to coparent effectively because of the hatred that has developed as a result of the contentious divorce.


----------



## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

Thanks for the input. I'm not there, but if I do I will definitely put this out there. We don't have money for either of us to pay an attorney.


----------



## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

I think there are a few benefits of filing first.. If you both are in an agreement that marriage is ending then yes.. There are a bunch of web sites that list the advantages and disadvantages.. Quick google search and this is the first one that pops up....

https://www.dailyworth.com/posts/2922-should-you-file-for-divorce-first

I filed first, I controlled it through out the process, and she was always playing catch up. And i also have a child that i see everyday...


----------



## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

I filed first because my XW was a WAW. I needed to protect my children and not let things be in limbo. She would never have filed. It certainly wasn't easy for me but it had to be done.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

mjsailor72 said:


> What are the benefits of being the partner who file for divorce first. My wife asked for the separation, she is out of the house now, but I plan on leaving on a couple weeks. We have a 16 year old that I feel we can be respectful of and work out shared custody.


You know her because you've been married to her so if you believe you can work out something respectfully then that's a good sign. You do need a lawyer no matter how civil you expect things to be though.


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

header said:


> A mediator is a neutral third party who helps the two spouses come to an agreement on the various terms of the divorce including asset distribution, spousal and child support, that sort of thing. Once agreements are made, the mediator will guide you via an attorney to make everything legal which eventually will be put in front of a judge who will give it the final ok.
> 
> That's in stark contrast to each side getting their own attorney who will make them each have unreasonable expectations as to what they will get in a divorce, and they will fight it out to the tune of almost $1000 per hour in combined legal fees until most of the assets are spent and the warring spouses will never be able to coparent effectively because of the hatred that has developed as a result of the contentious divorce.


I hear lots of people advocate for mediation, but in my state you still both need your own lawyers and mediation will cost almost as much as going to court. In fact, you each must have your own attorney plus a mediator. It ends up costing nearly as much as litigation. Just the mediator is $2500.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am not sure of the reason your wife asked for separation, but that is a pretty good sign she wants out. Why not just have a frank discussion with her. Do you want a divorce, because this (separation) does not work for me? If she agrees, sit down, work out the details and file jointly. The one thing you want to avoid, is asking the state into your affairs. IMO that is when the real fighting begins, because the state may have a very different opinion as to how things should be and who should get what, which leads to lots of digging in and needless trench warfare

edit: in the aftermath of my own divorce I have come to admire the strength my ex showed when she made the decision that I had been refusing to make for so many years.


----------



## header (Nov 14, 2015)

SurpriseMyself said:


> I hear lots of people advocate for mediation, but in my state you still both need your own lawyers and mediation will cost almost as much as going to court. In fact, you each must have your own attorney plus a mediator. It ends up costing nearly as much as litigation. Just the mediator is $2500.


If you've got significant assets then $2500 is a paltry sum compared to the hundreds of thousands of dollars it could cost for attorneys fees with protracted litigation.


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

header said:


> If you've got significant assets then $2500 is a paltry sum compared to the hundreds of thousands of dollars it could cost for attorneys fees with protracted litigation.


True. Except there's no way either of us can or would go down that road. We are both committed to making this as painless as possible, thank goodness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## header (Nov 14, 2015)

SurpriseMyself said:


> True. Except there's no way either of us can or would go down that road. We are both committed to making this as painless as possible, thank goodness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you don't have the assets, then you're right. But if you do have the assets, then don't assume it can't happen. You'd be surprised how ugly things can get during divorce, and as far as "committed to making this painless" remember you were also committed to be together for the rest of your lives..


----------

