# Love husband but don't really want to spend time...



## MedRepMom (May 15, 2014)

I love my husband, we have four kids(middle school, high school and college age) a great life, get along fine, have a decent sex life but I don't want to do things with him anymore. I like being alone most the time. Truth is , early on in our marriage, he criticized me publicly a lot. I am extroverted in public and he gets embarrassed if I mention his name in a story, talk about out family or anything personal. I just slowly stopped doing things with him- don't go to church with him, out to dinner with the kids, kids sporting events if he is there, community activities....nothing. I just can't take the critiquing. If we go bike riding where it is just he and I then I ride too slow according to him. There is nothing I do in public that doesn't make him irritated or angry. At home he is fine. 

Can we stayed married like this? I don't know how to fix it. He has gotten better over the years but I get severe anxiety when out with him- just waiting for him to say something. He wants to do things with me and asks but...I just can't. 

Anyone else in this situation ?

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I was married to a guy who did that. But he was apparently a lot worse than your husband so we are no longer together.

Have you told him what your issues are? 

Have you done any counseling about this, either alone or with him?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

MedRepMom said:


> I love my husband, we have four kids(middle school, high school and college age) a great life, get along fine, have a decent sex life but I don't want to do things with him anymore.
> 
> 
> Can we stayed married like this?
> ...



Am I the only one that see some cognitive dissonance when I read something like this. Its like someone rang my bell and I have to stop and think what am I really seeing.

Having said hat MedRepMom it is not intended as a criticism, after all no one can tell you how to feel, I really think it is just a fluke of my male brain, ha ha.

You have both built walls. People have a right to their privacy, you telling others about him or your kids when they are not ok with it IS NOT OK! Your outgoing personality is no excuse.
(And you are justifying and minimizing it in your thinking)

You have to respect peoples feelings and you are not entitled to publically share things they are not comfortable with.

That is the brick and mortar of your wall. You don't seem to have owned your work!

I completely accept that this is a hardship for you and you may wish he/they were different. Are you willing to earn some resentment by ignoring it?



His criticism of you is a separate thing. This can be VERY damaging and build resentment as well. He has built his own wall. This can be very hard to come back from, he needs to know that he is slowing killing his marriage and connection with you


I have seen few men come to terms with this outside of some crisis. I hate to say that, but I think this will only change if you escalate it.

I am of the opinion that we need to get to the place where we see the offenses we causes through the eyes of those we have offended. Then we can own the damage, and the other person can know we care.

Both you and your husband can do this. 

Try this "We have a good personal life at home but I no longer feel connected to you as a friend and partner only as a housewife and a mother, we have lost the fun of doing things together because I feel negatively criticized when we do. This makes me fear my long term happiness in our marriage. I am hoping you will not just dismiss this but will agree to work with me on this."

I have dealt with these very same issues in my own marriage. I will leave it at that. But they are both very damaging to the spirit of a marriage. Since you are raising the issue I would say it also makes you vulnerable so I would be careful and address it.

I really do wish you well.
Take care!


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## MedRepMom (May 15, 2014)

Wow! Great answer. Thank you. I will try that conversation today. I do however disagree on personal issues. These are my children, too. I do not see how me talking about funny things they do or their direction in life hurts anyone. It is just mom talk. I would never tell their personal stuff or my husbands. 

I do see how me talking about him can be an issue. Many times I am just trying to bring him into the conversation- feeling that he is bored or may have something to add. I guess he feels put on the spot. 

Definately there are walls. I am completely on edge with anxiety that some words will slip that will upset him. 

The criticisms are at everything I do- a race I run, bike ride I am on....I guess he sees me as a reflection of his success. 

Thanks, again.

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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Im glad it was helpful and I agree that mom talk is normal and your kids (my kids too) will not always want it to happen. They can deal with if that if its all that is going on.

My children love n respect my wife's parents (they are wonderful). Our kids would be hurt to be cast in a negative light with them but some of the things that happen are just part of life and are interesting or funny. 

As far as egg shells go, im guessing he is unaware of how you feel or even (can I say) how important what he thinks and says are to you.

When he "gets it" he be at a loss as to how to even talk to you. Seriously he is going to feel like "there is no way I will be able to live a normal life with her now she is soooo sensitive.

It will be frustrating for him.

Thats why as EleGirl says counseling will be very important.

You both need understanding and you both need to make room (respect) for each other.

What you are trying to do IS a big deal.


Realize that your level of anxiety is elevated and you have little protection from any unkind words from him (i.e. it would seem that you do not verbalize personal boundaries in these situations).

Having said that, he will be surprised to discover that EVERY SINGLE UNKIND WORD is a elephant in the room, it is in my relationship with my wife, if I am short with her in some way can I really just expect her to accept it and move on?

Over and over again?

That is how people start taking the other person for granted. And yes that door swings both way!! Being a woman is not justification for negativity any more than being a man is.

But supporting a woman requires understanding. So give him a chance to learn it.

It may be tough going for a bit as you try to deal with this.

Here is hoping that he is open to what you share with him!

Take care!


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## MedRepMom (May 15, 2014)

Thank you! Talked this morning and will take baby steps on doing things in public with him. I think he just sees me as a reflection of him. I am not an overly sensitive person- al all. I am my own person and if I say something stupid then I look stupid- not him. 

I think he thought I would take a back seat to him. In social situations stand there, look pretty and do not discuss anything remotely controversial and definately nothing about him. We just got married soooo young. Still learning-18 years later

Thanks, again, for your help.

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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

That is good to hear. Congrads on the communication, that is a really good sign.

In an opposites attract relationship, sometimes the things that attract us can seem too much later on, I hope the two of you can continue to value the differences. It makes you an interesting couple and I have seen where the children really benefit from it if you maintain the relationship.

Take care!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I was married to a guy who did that. But he was apparently a lot worse than your husband so we are no longer together.
> 
> Have you told him what your issues are?
> 
> Have you done any counseling about this, either alone or with him?


:iagree:


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think you should discuss this with him. Start gently telling him how much you love him and want to improve your marriage. Do it gingerly because I suspect he may be sensitive enough. And perhaps there is something in how you mention his name that disturbs him. At the end, tell him how you appreciate discussing this and how much you love him.

So do it with some tact, but I think you need to address this.


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