# Dealing With Anger



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

I watched my father and uncles mellow with age until they practically reached sainthood status.

I seem to be going the opposite direction. 

Little things that people deal with everyday, like, for example, a 30-something male on a mountain bike expecting you, the pedestrian to yield to him when he's flying up the sidewalk, probably at better than 25 mph get under my skin in the worst way. 

How do you deal with anger?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

meditation and chanting a peaceful phrase over and over when I feel my blood beginning to boil.

ETA when we were in the thick of dealing with major issues surrounding DH's parentals, I spent a LOT of time playing xbox.  It really helped me zone out and stay sane.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I keep an online journal to let my anger and frustrations out.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

How do I deal with *anger*


exercise


exercise


battlefield 4



How do I deal with *stupid people*


battlefield 4


battlefield 4


battlefield 4


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I've got several family members with anger issues. My youngest son struggles with this. Counselors have told us that the initial reaction of fear, frustration, irritation, insecurity, etc. which all come out as anger, especially in boys can not be changed. Identifying what exactly you are feeling is the first step. Deep breathing right away when you feel that initial response. Then decide how to react. Do I need to be angry? Is action needed? Was this one of life's small annoyances that is better off forgotten? 

My son has made great improvement in this area, I can see his initial response when his face and body tense up, then I see him mentally take a step back. I'm incredibly proud of him. I don't want him to grow into a grumpy Gus that people don't want to be around.

The biker you mentioned was annoying, bad drivers can make us feel fearful, spouses ignoring our needs are hurtful, misbehaving children are frustrating and embarrassing when in public. Appropriate identification of feelings with a restrained and controlled response when possible will improve your own health. Frequent anger is not good for you or your relationships.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I admittedly clam up and brood only to eventually explode.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Weights.

Dojo.

Rough sex.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

marduk said:


> Weights.
> 
> Dojo.
> 
> *Rough sex*.




Why dint I think of that


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I almost never get angry. Frustrated by a video game or in forum debates from time to time... but not really angry. Its like "Gah demit this dude has killed me in BF4 10 times and I haven't killed him once! ARRG"

A lady in a minivan backed into my parked motorcycle and knocked it over this past weekend and even then I didn't get angry. I think most of the time I just take things in a sort of detached way. I saw the bike fall and just closed my eyes and dropped my head back like "sigh". Went and picked it up and got the insurance info.

Is that weird?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Mind control for me. 

Identify yourself when angry or when it creeps up. Take your mind off.

I still have issues with it but my anger issues 10-15 years ago and today are night and day.

But it also took a big/risky event for me to realize my anger issues. Well, actually # of events and reality checks.

READ: Learned the hard way

One thing I always try to remember is "I have never EVER made a good decision while angry"

Hope that helps OP.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I almost never get angry. Frustrated by a video game or in forum debates from time to time... but not really angry. Its like "Gah demit this dude has killed me in BF4 10 times and I haven't killed him once! ARRG"
> 
> A lady in a minivan backed into my parked motorcycle and knocked it over this past weekend and even then I didn't get angry. I think most of the time I just take things in a sort of detached way. I saw the bike fall and just closed my eyes and dropped my head back like "sigh". Went and picked it up and got the insurance info.
> 
> Is that weird?


I don't think so, I think it's a special strength to be able to do that.

:smthumbup:


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

DoF said:


> I don't think so, I think it's a special strength to be able to do that.
> 
> :smthumbup:


Ha... thanks... but its not really something I'm doing or working at.

I think strength is being someone who gets triggered, and is able to withstand it. You guys who find ways to cope with the anger you feel without lashing out are the strong ones.

Funny thing about the lady that hit my motorcycle. After giving me her info and I'm making the call and taking pics... all that jazz... she starts tearing up and sniffling. I'm all weirded out... already told her it was ok, accidents happen, this is what insurance is for etc. So now I'm all feeling bad for the lady that just knocked over my bike. lol


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> A lady in a minivan backed into my parked motorcycle and knocked it over this past weekend and even then I didn't even get angry. I think most of the time I just take things in a sort of detached way. I saw the bike fall and just closed my eyes and dropped my head back like "sigh". Went and picked it up and got the insurance info.
> 
> Is that weird?


Not weird at all. That's mature and compassionate, especially if the lady was contrite about it. 

For me, it's night and day between stuff like that and a deliberate act of aggression. I honestly can't even wrap my mind around acting as though I would hit a pedestrian if he didn't get out of my way. 

Maybe this guy just had words with his wife.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> Not weird at all. That's mature and compassionate, especially if the lady was contrite about it.
> 
> For me, it's night and day between stuff like that and a deliberate act of aggression. I honestly can't even wrap my mind around acting as though I would hit a pedestrian if he didn't get out of my way.


Good point. She did try to sell me the "I'm a single mom and only have $100 to my name" line and get a little pissy about how my bike wasn't parked in an official parking spot (it was in the open spaces where people pull up in front of the gas station... cars park there all the time)... but she didn't press the issue.

What's bizzare is that she walked within 2 feet of my bike when she went into the quickstop, and then again when she walked back to her van. THEN she backs into my bike. lol


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Ha... thanks... but its not really something I'm doing or working at.
> 
> I think strength is being someone who gets triggered, and is able to withstand it. You guys who find ways to cope with the anger you feel without lashing out are the strong ones.


Thank you (although I'm FAR from perfect). it's just easier to not have to deal with it AT ALL.





DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Funny thing about the lady that hit my motorcycle. After giving me her info and I'm making the call and taking pics... all that jazz... she starts tearing up and sniffling. I'm all weirded out... already told her it was ok, accidents happen, this is what insurance is for etc. So now I'm all feeling bad for the lady that just knocked over my bike. lol


LMAO that's awesome


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ocotillo said:


> I watched my father and uncles mellow with age until they practically reached sainthood status.
> 
> I seem to be going the opposite direction.
> 
> ...


Many things I see out in the world irritate me.... meaning the inconsiderate behaviors of others ....but it's so momentarily.. I just think.. "happy I don't live with them or they're my kid"...and you move on..

When I get upset over something closer to home... I have to talk about it.. or write my feelings out.. this is my release.. my therapy... My H has always given me this.. whether I was upset over a family member & just needed to vent a little or anything happening in our lives... 

When he gets upset at work, he comes home and vents to me.. ...I want that.. He doesn't get upset very often....so when he does ... I know it's really been a BAD day.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> I admittedly clam up and brood only to eventually explode.


Same here. Last couple of weeks, DW has had work and other commitments so I've been coming home early to take care of the kids, feeding them, getting ready for bed, etc. No complaints from me (even though my work is getting behind as I'm self-employed). As stated before, it's much less stressful when she's not around. 

When her commitments ended, I stayed at work a little longer (still home in time for dinner plus still playing, bedtime, etc). When I get home, DW is mad at me because she's been home with them and couldn't get dinner ready. I keep my mouth shut and just help with the kids until I finally can't take it anymore and yell at her, asking why I can have the kids for over a week and all is OK, she has them for a couple of hours one day and she's stressed out. I'm told that I just don't get it. She gets upset and I take kids out to play. She's right, I don't get it.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> I watched my father and uncles mellow with age until they practically reached sainthood status.
> 
> I seem to be going the opposite direction.
> 
> ...


Trust me, I understand. I have been fighting anger-management issues for 30+ years. No idea where it comes from, as no one else in my family has the issue, so I didn't grow up with it or anything.

As others said, I find the best assistance is exercise. If I burn off a lot of excess energy, I have less to spend on spinning into the ceiling. Working out when already angry is even better, because then I push myself. Weights and cardio, the heavy bag works wonders. When I am feeling frustrated, dropping and doing 40 push-ups will take the edge off.

A few years ago, someone pointed me to the Circle of Influence & Circle of Concern. Basically:










The difference between the circles is where our frustrations really reside and churn, because it is stuff outside our control that we feel impacts us.

Expanding Influence takes time; it requires networking, education, training, promotions, building relationships, etc. The Circle of Concern? You can shrink that circle right now. There are some things you just have no control over it, so stop worrying about it. The idiot on the bike? I hear you and in the moment, I might get steamed too. But I have trained myself to ask: "Do I really care about this? Will it matter tomorrow?" Much of the time, I am able to let it go without blasting off, and I shift my thoughts to something more pleasurable. Reduced my Circle of Concern.

For the long term? Well, it's a struggle, man. I have improved a bit and suppress and/or cope with some instances of anger, and they seem to be less frequent than a decade ago. Sometimes it still gets the better of me. There is still room for me to grow, to be more in control. I do the best I can and keep my expectation for improvement in terms of inches rather than miles.

Hope that helps. Good luck, brother.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Thank you everyone.

Over the weekend, I invited a neighbor on the next street, a DPS officer, to go jogging with me in the mornings. and Mr Mountain Bike got a mild dressing down this morning. (The street has marked bike lanes.) It was poetic.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l thought people did those anger management therapies these days , l was even thinking about it myself.
During the last few yrs of my marriage l'd turned into a pressure cooker. There was just so much stress and cluster fk.
Then add things like at times and it seems even more so at those times, some things your wife or hub to l guess, do at those times just seem plain idiotic and eventually you get so sick of it and pop.
But at the same time , l was also becoming idiotic myself by letting stupid things and times where l should've been patient , get on top of me.

We split , for all sorts of reasons and life got even tougher for a long time there but l did work and work on my patients and anger stuff . l've done wonders especially for what l've been through and on top of our 4 or 5 yrs of big stress before this.

l find now not much out in life bothers me much now, or round the kids of dealing with ex .
But l do find my family , brothers and sisters still get me that wild.
l come from a huge family and l usually use to get a long with most of them pretty good, l always knew their [email protected] though. But l've been away 20yrs and apart from the few l kept in touch with right through, any others have just been a phone call very now and then.
l got along with most of the others ok but as l say , l always did know their crap though.

So the thing is now , being back in my home state l'm trying when l can to call a few more and be in touch better with the ones l didn't have much to do with all this time .
But l've blown a fuse at a few of them now so that ain't going too well.
Mind you , one or two blew up at me too.
But l just find with certain ones , l've always known their bs and really , 5mins on the phone and l just cab't be fkd dealing with it anymore and a lot of it's still there , worse .
Or like l took one brother on a trip with me the other wk , his always been a know it all bs artist and by that night , l blew up. l just couldn't listen to it any more .

So there's gotta be better ways. l'm realizing now that whatever they all are , the family, my life and time just doesn't need that stuff in it and yet l've done so much work on myself and dealt with soooo much over the last few yrs, huge [email protected], not just a few stupid family members .
So l just don't need to be losing it over their bs of all things these days and through all this. 

So although l've made such huge progress within my own world , this other stuff has really been getting me down.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

X, this is exactly what my husband does, lol.



xakulax said:


> How do I deal with *anger*
> 
> 
> exercise
> ...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> I watched my father and uncles mellow with age until they practically reached sainthood status.
> 
> I seem to be going the opposite direction.
> 
> ...


I try to deal with my anger through sublimation, don't know if that is the correct term.

I work out a lot, and put lots of physical effort into heavy lifting.

I think it's a good outlet for my pent up steam.

But I hardly ever get angry with people, anyways.

I try to separate my problems from _their_ problems, and pay attention to my problems.

For example, if someone doesn't like me, I categorize it as _their_ problem.
If I don't like someone, I don't make it a problem unless we must interact. Only then it becomes _my_ problem. 
I simply adjust my expectation of them and proceed. I do this because I've learned that people only become a problem when they don't meet my expectations.

So I try to manage my expectations.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Spin off questions:

To what extent are you willing to allow yourself to be treated badly? Is anger ever justified? The rule for me, which has served pretty well up until now is the point of assault. 

Maybe that should be amended to _deliberate_ assault? In the example of the bicyclist, for example he probably acted out of ignorance and stupidity more than malice.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ocotillo said:


> Spin off questions:
> 
> To what extent are you willing to allow yourself to be treated badly? Is anger ever justified? The rule for me, which has served pretty well up until now is the point of assault.
> 
> Maybe that should be amended to _deliberate_ assault? In the example of the bicyclist, for example he probably acted out of ignorance and stupidity more than malice.


Anger is a motivator.

When it motivates positive behaviour ("I'm not taking any more of being belittled, I'm out of here.") it's good.

When it motivates negative behaviour (pulling over to fight some guy that cut you off) it's bad.

As a conscious being you get to choose your response.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

marduk said:


> When it motivates positive behaviour ("I'm not taking any more of being belittled, I'm out of here.") it's good.
> 
> When it motivates negative behaviour (pulling over to fight some guy that cut you off) it's bad.


Okay, but both of those examples fall way below the threshold of assault.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

I am also one with a anger problem, well not so much a problem, but simply the way I am wired.

I never yell/lash out at my wife or loved ones. 

Over time I have learned a few technic's:

* One , never act immediately, I always return to the issue several minutes or hours later. Learned I regret my initial actions.

* Go to your calm place. Imagine that jerk in traffic is your dad or wife, or kid. I wouldn't want some hot head treating them bad.

* Try and get things into persepective, I lost a good friend last week, meant a lot to me. That really put me in check about what really matters.

Now I am a pretty intimidating guy, 6'3", 265lbs, bodybuilder, also seem to always have a serious look on my face. Many tale that as I am a time bomb, no so much and I learned I need to be more approachable at work, public, ext...

Finally, I enjoy some cannabis at night. Calms me down, relaxes me, allows me to let it all go and seems to give me a time out from life.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> Spin off questions:
> 
> To what extent are you willing to allow yourself to be treated badly? Is anger ever justified? The rule for me, which has served pretty well up until now is the point of assault.
> 
> Maybe that should be amended to _deliberate_ assault? In the example of the bicyclist, for example he probably acted out of ignorance and stupidity more than malice.


Well, I don't tolerate bad treatment/ disrespect, ever.

My strategy has always been sort of _" offensive defense_."

The minute I sense a change in the dynamic / situation that could possibly pose a threat to me ,I will assert myself and neutralize that threat.

If something happened that I had no control over, I tend not to 
_" cry over spilled milk.."_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Definitely exercise and not just some little 20 minutes and I'm done. This is leave all on the floor absolute exhaustion exercise. It is my form of meditation.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I've always struggled with anger to some extent. When I was younger, I'd get angry at the drop of a hat. Friends, strangers, coworkers--all suffered my wrath from time to time. 

As I've aged, my anger has....changed. I no longer get angry at coworkers, family etc (well, tailgaters still tick me off). The only person who still has the power to make me angry is my wife.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

As with so many previous posters on this thread "I was an angry young man".

As I have gotten older I have mellowed and the frequency and duration of my angry outbursts has diminished, the next stage for me is to become a "grumpy old man" all though my daughter think I am there already.


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