# Wife thinks I'm bisexual and not manly



## rainingagain (Sep 12, 2010)

I'm male and have been married nearly 4 years to a woman I have been with for nearly 5 years. Always had self esteem issues but was always into women. Then for a phase (5 yrs ago)I was uncertain whether I might be bi. I contacted gay guys on a website and my wife caught me. That was 4 years ago, just before we found out she was pregnant, and got married. I know for certain this was just a stupid, massively regretful thing to do, and it really destroyed my wife's respect for me. I have no, I repeat, no feelings of attraction for the opposite sex and while i respect people for their choices, I feel it is unnatural , disgusting and creepy.We now have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and have one on the way. I 100% saw it as a wake up call when she caught me and I did some soul searching: was I 100% straight, and just screwed up by my trashy self-image, or was there really some substance to her accusations that I was a '******?' I know that I am straight, but she feels that I only did a U-turn because she caught me.These insults and accusations persist anytime we fight, and every time she brings it up it makes me feel so low and depressed that I'm with someone I adore, but who hates me and talks to me like I'm a piece of crap every single day. She's told me she wants a divorce but I want a loving family with her if only I can change her perception of me. I have so much love for her and want so much that we can have a normal, functional life together. But I don't blame her for not being convinced; after all, she did catch me. Any suggestions?  The funny thing is that we're both fun, easy going happy people who like to laugh a lot, but the strain from past stuff can really jeapordise our happiness together, and add a lot of stress to my amazing, beautiful family.


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

So basically she emotionally abuses you by calling you names, insults and accusations. She says she wants a divorce, yet you still want to hang on to this relationship?

I agree that you have some self esteem issues. Sexual orientation is not the issue at this point. You need to seek some help with self identity and self worth. This may or may not help the marriage, but it will help you cope with the marriage or the divorce and make you a better person for your child.


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

You can't make someone get past a situation. You can, however, demand respect for yourself as a human being and maintain your self-respect. I don't see this relationship thriving given the emotional and verbal abuse and lack of respect on her part. So she can't move past it, her loss. How very narrow-minded and judgmental. I'd give her that divorce and continue to be a loving father to my children despite her negativity and bitterness. You reserve the right to love and be loved in this world, and I'd exercise my rights.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

rainingagain said:


> I'm male and have been married nearly 4 years to a woman I have been with for nearly 5 years. Always had self esteem issues but was always into women. Then for a phase (5 yrs ago)I was uncertain whether I might be bi. I contacted gay guys on a website and my wife caught me. That was 4 years ago, just before we found out she was pregnant, and got married. I know for certain this was just a stupid, massively regretful thing to do, and it really destroyed my wife's respect for me. I have no, I repeat, no feelings of attraction for the opposite sex and while i respect people for their choices, I feel it is unnatural , disgusting and creepy.We now have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and have one on the way. I 100% saw it as a wake up call when she caught me and I did some soul searching: was I 100% straight, and just screwed up by my trashy self-image, or was there really some substance to her accusations that I was a '******?' I know that I am straight, but she feels that I only did a U-turn because she caught me.These insults and accusations persist anytime we fight, and every time she brings it up it makes me feel so low and depressed that I'm with someone I adore, but who hates me and talks to me like I'm a piece of crap every single day. She's told me she wants a divorce but I want a loving family with her if only I can change her perception of me. I have so much love for her and want so much that we can have a normal, functional life together. But I don't blame her for not being convinced; after all, she did catch me. Any suggestions?  The funny thing is that we're both fun, easy going happy people who like to laugh a lot, but the strain from past stuff can really jeapordise our happiness together, and add a lot of stress to my amazing, beautiful family.


This comes across as very confused.

You say you had a low self esteem, so thought you might be bisexual. You contacted gay people looking for a relationship or a sexual encounter to answer this question for yourself, or did you just want them to tell you you weren't bi? 

Your partner finds out and you stop and take her point of view of it being 'unnatural', possibly this isn't what you really feel at all.

She treats you like crap every day and says she wants a divorce, but you think she's a 'fun, easy-going' person who 'laughs a lot'.

I get the feeling you don't really have an idea of the reality of the situation. She sounds neither 'fun' nor 'easy-going' at all. Maybe she is with other people, or on the surface she is, but it's not the surface you need to start looking at.


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## sweet_kyla10 (Jul 13, 2010)

Since you are already married, you have to talk straight from the heart. Yelling, using abusive words could really not help.And one of the important foundation in marriage is RESPECT. So if you think you cannot handle the situation anymore, then try to seek help from a Marriage Counselor or Experts.You also deserve to have a Happy & Loving Relationship!


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## rainingagain (Sep 12, 2010)

Thanks for all the responses. It was very disturbing for her when she found out the gay dating site with my pic in it and she read all my chats in there too (not good). She also caught me online before ( I've posted a question before I'd met her) asking if there were some gay guys in an area I was tavelling at the time but she didn't confronted me right away,only when she discovered the gay dating site she did. She said that it's very difficult for her to trust me but I always re-assure her that I am 100% straight and that I was just confused at that time because of my lo self esteem. But she keeps saying that I only changed my mind (not being gay)because I got caught but could've been still continuing doing sneaky stuff behind her back if I hadn't got caught.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

It sounds to me like you are a normal man who is bi-curious. What is wrong with that?

I'd love it if my husband told me he was bi-curious, tried to meet guys online, and in the end decided he was only hot for me.

Why are you dismissing your feelings and curiosity about men at that time? I think it would be healing for you to go back to that time and relive what you wanted and needed. Maybe that need is gone, maybe still there. Whether you act on it or not is what matters in your marriage. Hasn't your wife ever fantasized about the cop doing her, or some other guy in a romance movie? What's the difference?

As to her bringing up the past, it is destructive behavior when couples throw past arguments at each other. That is something my husband and I will not do. Past is past. She is either immature, or this really bothers her. 

Marriage counseling always works wonders, and you will discover issues leading to your problems that you never posted, because you yourself are not even aware of them!


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## 2rr (Feb 21, 2010)

what is wrong with her? what ever happen it should be over for good and never should come again. we cannot change past so what is her point? Do you do the same? Bring back old stories in argument? If not, she is not fair and eventually it will backfire. I went through relationship like that ( the old sin was different / that I split with my ex wife in civilized way or not as she has envision it /); but it was coming and coming in every argument until she has managed for us to separate.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If she is still bringing it up, I am just going to ask this question, but feel free to not answer if its too personal. How is your sex life with your wife??

I will make sense of this before you answer. Honestly, if your wife has a brain anything like mine, lack of a good sex life might make her constantly ponder whether or not you are gay. I have pondered that about my H a few times ( not all the time by any means) when our sex life seemed to be slow. Do you think she is deflecting her true issue by bringing up the past incident??


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## rainingagain (Sep 12, 2010)

She thinks it's trashy.Also I always pissed her by ruining our family vacation every year by getting drunk and dissing her and embarassing her and this reminds her of me being trashy. Also I'd hit her a few times before and this really pisses her off up to this day. We had some issues when we first got together about the trashy things I did. I made a lot of stupid decisions from the past.
We want to work things out but th trust issue is a problem coz I'm always letting her down and screwing things up. She's depressed so she pushes me away and just wants out telling me that things will never change. Most of the time I think everything's ok but she always says to me that she's not happy and everything's really not ok and she blows up and insults me. Can this marriage be saved or is she right that we're both wasting our time?Thank you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sara Ann said:


> It sounds to me like you are a normal man who is bi-curious. What is wrong with that?
> 
> I'd love it if my husband told me he was bi-curious, tried to meet guys online, and in the end decided he was only hot for me.


What's wrong is that he didn't tell her, he was in the process of looking to cheat and got caught. It doesn't make it awesome that he was looking for a guy instead of a girl, it's still a crappy thing to do to your partner. On her side he didn't decide he was only hot for her, he just got caught red handed and stopped looking in ways that she could find out.

Rainingagain: your wife doesn't trust you. You broke trust by attempting to cheat, you broke it by being a drunk, and you broke it by hitting her. Doesn't excuse her being verbally abusive, but that's a lot of damage already done.

Edited to add: That said, how does your side of these arguments go?


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## rainingagain (Sep 12, 2010)

Your answers are providing lots of great, positive avenues for finding a solution here. For me (I hope us)the goal is to achieve that healthy aura that truly happily married couples seem to carry around with them. Sure they have their own little problems here and there but you see them together and you know they really have an amazing friendship, and love each other deeply. You feel how the wife looks up to her hubby as a real man who can handle anything, and is well balanced and not a sissy. That to me will be the best achievement in the world if I can have my wife look at me lovingly instead of like some kind of cancer in her life that's less than human. Right now I'm trying to see if I can cut out all negativity and show I'm not sensitive or hurt by the coldness, and maybe try and work up some kind of longer-term exemplary strategy that shows I don't break under strain. I love my wife like crazy and really hope a turn-around is possible, even after all we've been through.


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## 2rr (Feb 21, 2010)

not that I want to excuse physical abuse but words do hurt more.
in young years we had some physical fights and I have received some as well. that did not hurt at all ( neither of us ). but the words do feel like hell even after decades. being drunk - i love to see one man who did not. as long as it does not happen too often. the questions is: are you providing for her and / or family in all the aspects one would expect? when you stand in front of mirror can you look at yourself and be OK with what you see?


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## wmmaria (Sep 13, 2010)

whoa, u two have really got issues, consider counseling asap. The issues you two are going thru are more than usual and are not just being considered or having to do with your manhood. The total picture needs to be addressed especially the drinking, and verbal, and physical abuse. Hopefully counseling will help you two move forward.


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## rainingagain (Sep 12, 2010)

Actually I don't drink anymore, so I guess in that sense its one less problem. In the past 2 days things have lately become the worst ever-blown wide open. She's told me she wants a divorce. She has never once agreed to counselling, even one time 3 yrs ago when I arranged a visit I had to cancel it. Every single thing gets me scolded, and I just realised that the verbal assault I got for half an hour in the kitchen was with the window open, and sound travels at night! The frustrating thing is that, although I have many, many faults, I have so much love to give and feel I can really make someone happy, but she just HATES me. I remember 3yrs ago when she was pregnant and the hormones were raging. There was a lot of seriously poisonous stress flying around. Not she's 5 months gone with our 2nd child and I really am 100% ready to work on some constructive proactive stuff between us to try and save our family. But the hatred is corrosive. and her perception of me is so monstrously crap that thats all I see now in the mirror, and am fighting to see myself as even human or feel confident about myself. All I hear is insults, never anything good, ever.She even had a go at me for making things look positive in my last posting. What am I supposed to do? The thing is I love her deeply, all her sweet qualities, also as my wife and the mother of my kids. She says I'm too dependent. If I'm making her seem at fault here I apologize-it takes two. I know I'm all she says I am and much worse, but again, I envisage a life together that's actually evolved and harmonious. She doesn't. Am I just a hopeless dreamer who's in denial? Does anyone have any advice that will appeal not just to me, but to both of us that doesnt involve counselling? (she wont go). I want this so bad but maybe I should just give up and move on? Thanks for your help by the way!


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

Move on shell miss you when ur gone.... Nobody else will put up with that.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

rainingagain said:


> I have no, I repeat, no feelings of attraction for the opposite sex and while i respect people for their choices, I feel it is unnatural , disgusting and creepy.


I find this statement to be very confusing in the context of your post. You posted a profile on a gay dating site and exchanged emails with other men and now say it is disgusting and creepy? Sounds more to me like your wife finds it disgusting and creepy that her husband sought out other men for sex, and you are now in agreement because it's what she needs to hear. I find it odd that your stance changed so drastically so I can see why your wife is hesitant to trust that your new stance is really how you feel inside.


rainingagain said:


> She thinks it's trashy.Also I always pissed her by ruining our family vacation every year by getting drunk and dissing her and embarassing her and this reminds her of me being trashy. Also I'd hit her a few times before and this really pisses her off up to this day.


Going to dating websites (a form of cheating when you are married), questioning your own sexuality, getting drunk and dissing her (every year on vacation?!), and HITTING her?!...I have to be honest, you have a long list of marriage deal breakers here. 

I absolutely applaud you for giving up drinking, as it seems to have had a very negative impact on your life and that will hold true whether you stay married or not, being in control of yourself.

Your wife will be taking a HUGE risk by staying in the marriage...that these issues will re-surface. She has also lost respect for you, which is evident by the way she speaks to you, the demeaning name-calling. At this point, I believe the work to improve should be for you, not her, to become a better man and father and regain your self-confidence. At some point, she will decide whether she can accept that you are a changed man, and also forgive you for your past. Unless she gets to a place where she can do that, you should not remain in a marriage where she is unable to forgive you and continues to throw the past back in your face.

Understand that you have not been the model husband and she harbors a lot of resentment towards you. This is a marriage killer.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

rainingagain said:


> She says I'm too dependent.


Why does she say this? How are you doing as far as providing for your family financially? Emotionally? Handling every day stress with work, finances, parenting? Do you take charge in any of these areas?


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## rainingagain (Sep 12, 2010)

Just to clarify-that website thing happened before we were married. There have been no instances of any kind of 'cheating' since then. As for whether my wife can accept me, well it is now over a month since I posted that thread, and even though she is hostile and critical at least once a day in some way or other (I deserve it all, I'm sure), I felt things were improving although she would never say this. But today my daughter locked a room (she wasnt in it at the time) and I forced it open, damaging the door jamb. Problem is its my father in law's house. Now she wants me to leave and never come back. She's deadly serious and I have nowhere to go. Doesnt want me to see my kids ever again and really wants to move on. In just 2 months she'll be giving birth to our second but this doesnt seem to make any difference.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Do you all live with your father in law? Maybe it's time to get your own place, continue to do what you need to as far as self-improvement (no drinking, seek therapy, etc.)

That sounds like an over the top reason to ask you to leave. Were you angry when you forced it open or just trying to fix the problem of it being locked?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I'm being honest here and it might not be a popular opinion but if my husband went to gay sites before/during our marriage and I found out I wouldn't be attracted to him. I really want a guy who is sure of himself and sure that he's really, really into women. Your wife found this out prior to marriage from reading your post so if it really bothered her I'm unclear as to why she married you. 

I can't relate to your posts because if I was on a lesbian site and went as far to post things and had a pic, etc. I know it would be because I was interested. I don't understand how a person can do something like that and then say they find it disgusting. Maybe you have some true soul searching to do? We're all different so I understand this is just me but I'd never believe you. It'd always be between us.

I don't find bi-sexual or homosexual disgusting or disturbing at all. I think it comes down to who you are attracted/fall in love with and I think we all deserve a chance at love and a mutually satisfying, blissful relationship. It is what it is.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

rainingagain said:


> Just to clarify-that website thing happened before we were married. There have been no instances of any kind of 'cheating' since then. As for whether my wife can accept me, well it is now over a month since I posted that thread, and even though she is hostile and critical at least once a day in some way or other (I deserve it all, I'm sure), I felt things were improving although she would never say this. But today my daughter locked a room (she wasnt in it at the time) and I forced it open, damaging the door jamb. Problem is its my father in law's house. Now she wants me to leave and never come back. She's deadly serious and I have nowhere to go. Doesnt want me to see my kids ever again and really wants to move on. In just 2 months she'll be giving birth to our second but this doesnt seem to make any difference.


Sorry to read this. It seems like a really frustrating relationship. Hang in there. Do you have any relatives you can go to? Enough finances to rent a studio or even a hotel room until you can find a place? It must be a very stressful time for both of you. I wish I had more to offer than words of well wishing. Keep your cool and try to remember that this will change and you do have control over how you react to what happens between the two of you.


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## Blue Eyes (Oct 19, 2010)

You are straight if you want a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Many people are curious. But I think the best thing for you both would be marriage counseling. She needs help sorting out her feelings. You sound fine to me. Please get counseling. Your kids need you both to have a strong & happy relationship. They are watching you & will copy you some day.


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## reallyoverit (Oct 23, 2011)

*Re: Wife thinks I'm bi...THIS POST really pisses me off*

For starters, I'm married to man who i think is BI or GAY? I'm sickly shocked that most of the advice from people on this post is regarding his wife and how "rude" she is. Bull crap, people! My situation is so scarily like this one that I had to question whether or not this was my husband who has posted this. I have no problem with gay people. I have a bi-male best friend and multiple gay friends. This has nothing to do with that. This is really messed up in that I think this guy is trying to cover up his real feelings for men. If you like men, then just go be with them! You have already broken a trust barrier with your wife that will never be repaired. My daughter is three years old and Im scared to death for the day that he comes home and says " honey, I'm sorry I wasted 15 years of your life. Im gay and want men, not you" Really? And you people think that she should open her arms lovingly to him if he decided he DID want to be with men? Im just disgusted on so many levels. Whoever wrote this original post PLEASE search your heart and if you are even curious for men, just leave her. You will cause so much damage in your marriage and in your WIFE, if you hide your true feelings. I personally, do not believe your schpeel. I think youre just trying to convince yourself that youre not into men. Im sick of all this hidden gay **** behind wives backs. Its stuff like this that spreads disease. WHy is she calling him a ******? Because she is ANGRY. Its not because she is a raging lunatic. Its because the man that she dreamt of having a life, family, home and share her dreams with was looking at ****s and balls instead of her vagina. Get with it people. This is real **** here and youre giving him TERRIBLE, terrible advice. Was it right for her to call him a ******? NO. But no more right than her husband marrying her and not living up to his promise in marital vowels to always honor her. That kind of behavior is dishonest (i.e. NOT honorable) 
The world is screwed with sheepole like you out there grazing together.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Whether or not SHE is willing to attend counseling with you, I think it's vital that you go see a counselor on your own. Based on your posts here, it sounds like there are a myriad of issues that you need to work through them on your own before you can possibly be a good partner in your marriage or any other relationship if the marriage doesn't work out. It's about improving yourself which is the only thing you CAN do (rather than "fix" your wife's problems with your past actions.

And no, I'm not saying anything about you having been bi curious. I think that no one can help who or what gender they are attracted to, and to deny that part of yourself if that's who you are is very damaging. You need to get to the bottom of where your real feelings are in a non-threatening way. No matter how it ends up, you'll have a stronger understanding of yourself and how you can be a better partner to whoever you end up with.


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