# Confused, perplexed, bewildered, mystified - a thesaurus of emotions



## Pharishtamarana (Jul 6, 2011)

Wife and I have been together for 6 years married just over 3. In August we took over a gas station owned by her parents so we wouldboth have a steady job. The job however was 37 mile one way from home and I get motion sickness. In January we found a house only 1 mile away and her parents bought the house for us. All was wine and roses for a few months. Her parents would open the store at 7am and we would come in around 11am and work until 9pm. Soon after the move wifes father suffered through a serious bout of depression then, wifes maternal grandmother had a brain anuerysm. This took the parents out of the picture and wife and I transitioned into working full days at the store. THis added up to 95 hours per week each. Being that wife had more experience in the store she would regularly ask me to go home to get housework done which I gladly accepted. Fast forward to May and I noticed a change in her attitude a little but when Id aske her what was wrong shed only reply with "Im just tired". With working so much I took her words at face value. Then in mid June she dropped the I want a seperation" bomb. We convinced each other that we were just exhausted and decided to drop the subject. The night of June 27 we were like newlyweds again. Had some friends over for a few drinks and board games, then an emotion filled night after the friends went home. Before we went to sleep she wrapped her arms around me and said shed be mine forever. The next morning she looked really tired and I again asked her what was wrong. She said she still wants a seperation. I was floored. I came back to my moms house 37 miles away in shock. On July 1 I had a severe anxiety attack and was hospitalized for 30 hours. I asked my wife if shed come see me and she declined saying it would be confusing. I got out of the hospital and asked her to meet me in a public place so we could talk without letting our emotions get the best of us. She agreed and when we met before I could get a word in edgewise she said she wanted a divorce and handed me her wedding ring. When we first approached her parents about our impending marriage they were happy but told us that in their religion and culture (Hindu) divorce was not an option. I am a shell of my former self at the moment but have done alot of soul searching and made changes that I believe had I made sooner may have kept us from this point. I am 100% commited to my vows of for better for worse forever. I cannot get her to agree to meet with me again so I can at least speak my piece and if need be have closure. I want to show her my changes but I have no idea how to do so. I have displaced my mothers house long enough and am ready to go home. Suggestions?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Wow.

What were the problems in your marriage. Depression can and does totally mess things up. What changes did she ask from you.

Unfortunately, if your wife is set on a D, there isn't anything you can do. You can try to win her back, but it doesn't sound like she every really came to you to give you a chance. She just wants out.


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## Pharishtamarana (Jul 6, 2011)

I know for a fact I at times have anger management issues but have been working to resolve them. To my knowledge the rest of the problems were stress related from not getting "us" time. She did contact me on FB this morning and we had a casual convo. Nothing related to the relationship. I honestly hope shes starting to see the light and that I truly do and always will care for her we just got exhausted, since shell probably have to borrow from family for the divorce and they'll try and persuade her due to religious beliefs.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Anger really can be a bigger problem than just the anger. She may have been unwilling to bring up issues because she wanted to avoid the anger. That often means issue rot and fester.

The number of hours you both work and because it was together would leave any marriage very strained.

Give her time and space while making your intentions to fix things well known.

Best or luck


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## Pharishtamarana (Jul 6, 2011)

I've told a few mutual friends of my intentions to woo her back. I can only hope they truly are "mutual" and can work on it with me.


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

Anger problems are a huge red flag. I'm being totally honest and don't want to attack you, but want to give you my perspective on living with a person with anger issues. My husband acknowledges he has anger issues, but feels they are not out of control. I believe he can not see the harm he is doing to me and my self esteem. Many times, I thought I was crazy and over reacting, but now I see him treating grown kids the same. They are feeling like I did, and questioning if they did something wrong. When you live with someone whom you can't communicate with, it's lonely and eventually leads to stress and depression. I know when there is external stress on husband and his frustration is taken out on the family via anger. Perhaps working the business is causing stress on you and you manifest it through anger and not aware of this. This is not acceptable and in reality is abusive behavior. Many with anger problems also have control issues which exasperates the situation. The fact that you want to "woo" her back is a strategy that my husband used time and time again, each time working less and less. Before wooing her back, try to work with a professional on your anger issues. They are deep rooted and go back to childhood issues.... many times there is a pattern of abuse and the cycle continues from parent to child and on and on. You have taken the first step and I commend you for acknowledging your part in the problem. As for me, I have been married 24yrs and I am completely done with trying. Husband knows he has the problem, but yet does nothing to seek professional help. It's a pattern of anger, then he feels bad, things go well, until the next time. I stayed with him for the kids, but now that he is doing the same to them, I am done. Throughout the years, I believe he has become worse and you will too if you don't find the help needed to understand and change your behavior. I wish you the best of luck and you can change, but it must be because you are tired of being angry, not to win wife back. You need to change for yourself to become a better person, husband and father.


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