# wife has given up



## tucdoc

I love my wife, but she says she does not love me. She does not want to go out on dates and cries when we talk about our issues. I became aware of years of pent-up resentment several months ago after I called her a b***h for complaining so much. She apparently has been unhappy for a long time, despite my providing for most of her material needs and helping with the kids as much as I can. Most disturbing is her refusing couselling, individual or couples. I am seeing a therapist myself. I've admitted to not being sensitive enough to her needs, but she doesn't want to get hurt again. Her mother and brother died almost 6 years ago, and she never went to couselling then. She spends most of her days watching baseball, following multiple teams. A friend advised me to take care of myself and that I can't really do much to change my wife's mind. Is that true?


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## nice777guy

Working on yourself is the best thing you can do.

Does she want a divorce, or is she just unhappy?


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## lbell629

You do need to take care of yourself, but you also need to take care of your wife. Did she state why she is unhappy? If there are things in you that you can change then go ahead and try to do them. It might take awhile but she might come around...or she might not. That choice is her, but you've got to at least do the work you can to make things better, but ultimately it is up to your wife whether or not she wants to be happy and you cannot change that. If she won't go to counseling there is nothing you can do to get her to go, you can mention it to her how much you would like for her to go and what it would mean to you for her to go, but you can't force her, threaten her, withhold from her.


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## Burman

Tuc, I feel for you, I am in a very similar situation and my wife also refuses to get to counseling. From what I've learned, treat her the way you want to treated. You need to be happy, if she sees you happy, out going, sensitive to her she may turn around and give it back. I can't bring up anything about our relationship or I am immediately wrong and blasted for being insensitive to her from 7 years ago. If make it about you at all, its only going to look selfish to
her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tucdoc

She is living too comfortably to rock the boat with a divorce. She says she is unhappy because I treat her "like s**t". I admit that I get upset when I feel she spends a lot of money ($5K credit card bill), and when the house is excessively disordered (the kids are at school and she is at home all day). I've admitted my mistakes and am trying to change. She won't let it go and doubts I'll change.


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## ritajake

Tuc; Your wife may be emotionally done. She is too afraid to stand on her own two legs. I am in her shoes, having a husband that hasn't respected my emotions or values with running a household or raising our kids. I have been screaming at him for years and he refuses to listen. Two years ago, I wanted to go to counseling to work on our issues. But he thought those "issues" were all mine and he didn't want any accountability in the matter. Now, I have reached the wall. I'm done. Emotionally I have checked out and told him so and that I want a divorce. NOW he agrees to go to counseling. I don't trust him to really be involved in changing things to make things better for our relationship. 
There is a book I'm reading you may be interested in: "Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People" by Elizabeth B.Brown. It's helping me decide which side of the fence to jump into. 
One thing is for sure; you are responsible for your own happiness and you have to live with the consequenses of your decisions. Every path has it's own price to pay; but you can choose the path. Good luck.


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## tucdoc

To complicate matters, I think she is having an emotional affair with one of her new baseball "friends". She has gone to games alone with him. It seems her dissatisfaction with me really took off this baseball season, possible from comparing me to this new guy. I cannot compete emotional with "new" and "different'. I hope he gets tired of her, since he is married too. I don't want to confront her directly as I think she will get defensive and seek refuge with him. I want her to recognize what she is doing, not just force her to stop.


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## ritajake

It's tough, because you love her and want your marriage to work. I think marriage partners need to grow together, not apart (obviously). The trick is coming together. I've got no answers. My husband loves me too and he wants things to go back to normal. But we are growing apart; he isn't willing to meet me in my ballfield. I'm not willing to go back to status quo. We both need to make adjustments. The problem I have is that my emotional connection with him is busted for lots of reasons. He still feels emotionally connected to me. So in this respect you are like my husband; and I am like your wife. We are alike because we don't want to confront our spouses for fear of that defensive behavior. 
But being in limbo is nonproductive and holds you back. Confrontation is painful. It's just that I don't think progress will be made towards a better healthier future with out it.


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## tucdoc

I wouldn't call trying to start a difficult conversation a confrontation, as long as it is done with a sense of peace and control of emotions. I'm starting to get there. Before I would tell her "go cry to your friend" when talking about these outings of hers. Now, I just ask whether he is meeting an emotional need of hers. Limbo is basically where we are, where she has not idea want she wants (or, I think, who she is, which may be the real issue).


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## tucdoc

My therapist advised not talking to my wife about our relationship for now, as she just cries when she remembers insults/injuries from the past 14 years. We're just housemates for now.


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## The Destroyer

I kind of understand what/why the therapists said that because you can't really have a constructive conversation with someone who is emotional. I would just be concerned that because she is seeking outside support from OM. 

My heart goes out to you because I too am in this boat. I wish you the best.

~The Destroyer


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## Brewster 59

tucdoc said:


> My therapist advised not talking to my wife about our relationship for now, as she just cries when she remembers insults/injuries from the past 14 years. We're just housemates for now.


Did you tell your therapist about the EA, if so what did the T say? I also can understand if your providing the income and she stays home why you would be upset if the house isnt clean.


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## tucdoc

My therapist knows about these "friends" and agrees it is not right. An intervention with my wife is an option in the future. I'm going to trust my therapist for now. At least I feel I'm doing more that waiting around for my wife to "snap out of it".


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## Brewster 59

tucdoc said:


> My therapist knows about these "friends" and agrees it is not right. An intervention with my wife is an option in the future. I'm going to trust my therapist for now. At least I feel I'm doing more that waiting around for my wife to "snap out of it".


I think that is a good plan of action, so use these boards to rant if you need to or vent, dont ask me why, but these boards do seem to help for me. 

The best of luck to ya.


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## tucdoc

Today the issue of money came up. This has been a recurrent problem and I admitted to her it is probably part of the reason she feels I treat her "like s**t". I do get upset when the new charges are more than 1/3 of my take home pay. I asked her if we could see somebody to help us with this problem (can a marriage counselor help?), but she refused. She doesn't seem to want to talk to anybody about our problems.


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## tucdoc

Last PM my wife sent me a text saying she wanted to have dinner with one of her baseball friends. I immediately called her and said no, asking why she doesn't want to have dinner with me but will with him. I said this is an emotional affair and that she was in a fog if she doesn't see it. She screamed at me, saying how unhappy she's been for years, and that she has no interest in working on our marriage. I'm concerned she may have a mental condition, especially how she blames me for everything because of how poorly I've treated her. So, if we divorce, now the kids will have to deal almost exclusively with a mom with a mental condition.


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## turnera

What mental condition? Being unhappy? Being married to someone who treats her poorly when he's upset and verbally assaults her?

If you want to keep your wife, you'd be better off looking in the mirror first.

She's in an EA, but you don't just dump it all on her.


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## tucdoc

I've already told her I will take responsibility for what I've done and that I'm seeing a therapist to be a better person. She is taking no responsibility and is putting no effort towards the marriage. She would rather go to dinner with one of her "friends" that spend time alone with me. The insult from months ago occured after she had already started spending time with these "friends", as her unhappiness has been a problem for years. I told her that was the wrong way to tell her how I resented her pulling away, but it has gotten so much worse since then.


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## turnera

That's because she is in the middle of an affair. She is getting her needs met by another man. Women only commit to one guy at a time, usually. As long as OM is in the picture, you're not.

If you want to save the marriage, deal with the cheating first, separate them, but also start looking into what you can change in yourself so she has a reason to want to come back to you.


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## tucdoc

My plan is to take the high ground and continue to be supportive, but also to have some boundaries, so she will be upset at times. I really want the marriage to work, but right now, she doesn't. BTW, she told this guy she was unhappy about the marriage only a couple months after meeting him, rather than telling me or a close friend. I suppose that it the part that really gets me.


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## turnera

She did that because she didn't feel safe telling you, for whatever reason. And because when she talks to him, _he makes her feel good_.

How do YOU make her feel good?


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## tucdoc

Right now, she is at best apathetic about our relationship, and at worst, scared because she thinks I'll blame her and tell everybody that she caused our break-up. Our friends and her family have seen how she interacts around one of her "friends" at they felt it was inappropriate (I asked, to make sure it wasn't just me). I told her this, but she just discounts their opinions. This is the other guy, who she wanted to have her birthday dinner with last month, but then cancelled after I told her hurt I was that she was doing that. She still can't understand why I got so upset.


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## turnera

Tell her that whatever she tells him she should be able to tell him in front of you. If she cannot do that, what she is doing is inappropriate and harmful to the marriage.

How do YOU make her feel good?


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## tucdoc

I don't know if I can make her feel good, as upset as she is with me now. I told her I still love her, even after all of this, and I want our marriage to work. She is suppossed to have a medical procedure later this month, and I've take the day off work to be with her. In the past she was upset that I didn't buy her a Tiffany bracelet for her birthday, this after I had bought her diamond earings for her 40th birthday. I shouldn't have to bribe her, she is already leading a comfortable life without having to work. I did buy her flowers recently, and a book on Chakras (as she claims that an unbalanced chakra is contributing to her not feeling well). I know I cannot make up for years of her feeling neglected, but is this enough of a reason to not be given another chance, have these emotional affairs, and through away 14 years of marriage and permanently affect our two wonderful children?


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## turnera

Well, that is her choice, her decision, isn't it?

The point is, you want her to choose you. How do you get her to do that?

By following our advice, which you don't seem to be paying too much attention to.

You (1) stop the contact of the affair and (2) _fix yourself _so that when she looks at you (after OM is out of the picture; she won't see you until then), she sees something that makes her happy.

How to do that? By figuring out what she is thinking. Not by doing what you think you should do. By learning what SHE wants. What it would take for HER to not be resentful any more. 

This is no longer about you, because she has checked out. This is now about her. She has a choice, and she will exercise it. She will go whichever route makes her feel good and be happy. If you want that route to include you, you have to do some homework and figure out what SHE thinks and feels.


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## tucdoc

I've asked her repeatedly what can I do, and she says it's too late. She has noticed some changes, but she says I'm just doing this now and that the changes won't last. I know she doesn't want to get hurt anymore. How can I realistically promise never to hurt her again if we do stay married? A lifetime is a long time for things to happen. She does say one of these guys is "kind". She will then mention an episode from years ago when I disappointed her. I realize that there is a deep-seated insecurity which I've uncovered.


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## turnera

Go get the book Surviving an Affair and read it tomorrow. You really need to arm yourself with information. For now, start reading some of the other threads here so you will see that everything you have said here is verbatim part of a SCRIPT. All waywards say the exact same things your wife is saying. It's called an affair 'fog' or 'dizziness' as Affaircare calls it. It literally clouds their view of reality. NOTHING she says right now makes any sense because it is ALL said to justify getting to keep seeing OM. 

You're the evil man trying to keep her away from her 'fix' of OM. She will do anything, say anything, to stop you from stopping her. 

But you CAN stop her. There is a plan, and we are providing the plan. You need to stop making excuses and comebacks for every thing we tell you, and just step back and listen to us and do what we tell you. 

What we tell you is for a reason. You CAN get her back, but you have to get OM out of the picture first. She will NEVER see the good in you again if she has another guy feeding her soul, meeting her ENs. 

You tell her to stop. If she refuses, you tell her mother, best friend, sister, ONE person who she'll listen to. If she refuses to listen to that person, you then tell ALL her important people. At the same time, you attack HIS side by telling his wife or his parents or his siblings that he's involved with a married woman. Let THEM pressure him to stop. 

You have GOT to stop the contact. By following these steps.


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## tucdoc

This is going to be tough. My wife has developed on obsession with baseball, daily watching several games and following several teams. The guy she tried to have dinner with this week works for one of the teams. The other guy is a big fan with whom she has gone to several games out of town. I am not a fan, in fact, after what's gone on, I am no longer interested in baseball. My concern is that every time she watches a game she will be thinking of these guys. It would be very difficult to forbid her from watching games.


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## turnera

So are you going to follow the advice we gave you?


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## tucdoc

Yes. Family and friends already know to some degree what's going on. If she doesn't stop after I ask her to, then I will fill in the details to our friends and ask them to intervene as well.


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## turnera

Have you asked her specifically to stop all contact?


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## billyy2288

ritajake said:


> Tuc; Your wife may be emotionally done. She is too afraid to stand on her own two legs. I am in her shoes, having a husband that hasn't respected my emotions or values with running a household or raising our kids. I have been screaming at him for years and he refuses to listen. Two years ago, I wanted to go to counseling to work on our issues. But he thought those "issues" were all mine and he didn't want any accountability in the matter. Now, I have reached the wall. I'm done. Emotionally I have checked out and told him so and that I want a divorce. NOW he agrees to go to counseling. I don't trust him to really be involved in changing things to make things better for our relationship.
> There is a book I'm reading you may be interested in: "Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People" by Elizabeth B.Brown. It's helping me decide which side of the fence to jump into.
> One thing is for sure; you are responsible for your own happiness and you have to live with the consequenses of your decisions. Every path has it's own price to pay; but you can choose the path. Good luck.


Thanks you for the post.

_________________
Watch The American Online Free


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