# is there an end



## losingfaith (Dec 21, 2011)

I have been reading here for a while now and trying to get up the courage to post this.

My H found out 6 weeks ago that I was having an affair with his business partner. First of all, I want to say that I know that what I did was wrong. I know that I should not blame my H for what I did. But I am getting more hurt and angry every day and I don't know what to do.

My H is one of these people who is always confident, always optimistic and never gets frazzled. He never loses sleep at night no matter what the situation. He was always loving and very affectionate and gave completely of himself. We were very close and often talked about our feelings and emotions. I had no reason to be dissatisfied.

About 1 year ago, he and his partner (my OM) took on a project that they knew was very ambitious, probably the biggest thing they had ever done. It didn't take long before it became clear that my OM couldn't pull his weight. He started to develop anxiety and became less effective until my husband finally told him to take a break. My H then worked a lot of hours and finished the whole thing himself. My H was not angry with his partner but did say to me in confidence that he thought the partnership could not continue.

4 months ago, the OM called me. At this time I did not know him very well. He was very upset and said he needed to talk to me in private, so I was concerned and asked him to come over. He was crying when he walked in the door and said he was so ashamed for letting my H down and that he always knew that he was a "charity case" in their partnership.

I don't know how it happened. We looked at each other and ended up in the bed I shared with my husband. After that it was a life of lies. My marriage bed, his bed, even weekends together.... I would say that I was visiting a very depressed friend, and my H would hold me close before I left and say he was sorry I had to bear other people's burdens. He never suspected a thing.

I don't think I was in love with the OM, but I wanted him. I can't deny that the sex was good, but it was more than sex, I somehow felt a connection that I didn't feel with my H, who I loved and still love.

In the end, it was a stupid coincidence that revealed us. We were spending the weekend far from home and a mutual friend happened to walk through the park where the OM and I were making out. She knew all three of us and was of course totally shocked. We didn't say a word to each other, she turned around and left. I called my H immediately and told him about the affair. My OM was shell-shocked and shaking. We went to a restaurant, I forced a drink into him and drove him home.

At home, my H only said "don't speak." He turned away and slept in his office that night. The next day at breakfast, he said "it's going to be a while before I know what to do. I think we'll both need to be very patient."

In the last 6 weeks, he has not been angry at me or shown any sign of sadness. We have even been out to films and galleries together, and talked about what we had seen. But he will not touch me and still sleeps in his office. I have no contact with the OM since, and have not asked about him. A friend told me that he is terrified of contact with me and is drinking very heavily. I don't know if my H and he have contact anymore.

i look back on the affair now with disgust. I don't know what the connection I felt was, but I do know that it was false. I wronged my H and I wronged a weak, disturbed man for some kind of cheap thrill. I wish I knew why.

I have been afraid to mention the affair because my H has not mentioned it, but yesterday I finally broke down and asked him to please show me a way to forgiveness, or at least be willing to talk about our problem. He said, "its been only a few weeks. I've read that it can take 5 years to get over something like this. Be patient." Then he went to bed.

God, I cannot take 5 years of this and I am starting to hate him even though I am at fault. There are days now when I want to die.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

You need counseling dear.

You are way wrapped around the axel wrong.

You are focused on your husband revealing his vulnerablity to you when you just finished ripping out his heart.

Get into counseling. Read these posts. Many are the cheating spouse reaching out. 

He gets to control his emotions, and when he reveals his thoughts not you.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree with madwoman. Counseling will help.

Several questions come to mind:
- What are you doing yourself to show remorse?
- Have you implemented boundaries on yourself and told your H?
- Does your H know that there has been, and never will be, contact?
- Do you think your H is preparing legal action behind your back?
- Is your H having an affair too?

You have lots of work to do. Get to counseling and get some suggestions. Show remorse all of the time.

Your affair gave him all of the power. All you can do without his approval is file for divorce. Doesn't sound like you want to go there, unless the affair drug is still pulling you in.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

5 years is the time it takes to get "back to normal" - 5 years of this wouldn't be healthy. 

That said, try and understand it like a break up. Your husband has just lost his old wife, has to grieve for her, then rebuild trust with his "new wife" and fall in love with her again. These things take time. It sounds as though he is a smart man, in control of his emotions. I'd seek counselling for the two of you, but if he declines, go yourself. You've made it clear to him you want to be with him, so you just have to wait for him to decide if he wants you or not. He'll let you know when he does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Divorce him. You are worse than those that at least believe they are in love with the OM.


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## losingfaith (Dec 21, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I agree with madwoman. Counseling will help.
> 
> Several questions come to mind:
> - What are you doing yourself to show remorse?
> ...



I don't know how to approach the subject of counseling with him. I would not feel right pushing it because it would be selfish and all about me wanting him back. 

And there's no way to show remorse. Beyond a movie now and again, he doesn't spend enough time with me to allow me to show him how I feel.

I am afraid to approach the subject of the OM because I don't know what would happen. But from what I've heard about the current state the OM is in, I doubt my H worries much. Knowing my H, it probably even grieves him that his old friend is getting so sick.

I don't know what my H is planning to do.

Finally, I don't think he is seeing anyone. He's been working from home most of the time lately, which is also why I think he has dissolved his business relationship.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The first time might be a mistake. What was justification the second time? What was going in your head?


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

You You You You 

NEED NEED NEED

COUNSELING!

Don't wait for him. You just said you want to die!

You made a big mess, he's letting you sit and wonder. Your world is rocked.

You need counseling. No matter what happens with your marriage, you need counseling. To help with what happens next.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Correct!!! You need counseling first.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You can show him how you feel by creating situations like preparing a nice meal for him and taking it to him. Things like that. Get creative, but don't try to buy him off.

You must ignore the OM 100%. If you don't, hang it up. He has to deal with what he did on his own, like you are dealing with your issues on your own. 

The counseling will help you find a way to bring up the subject.


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## losingfaith (Dec 21, 2011)

I'm sorry, but what are they supposed to tell me? that i'm a **** with an itch who blew a great marriage? i already know how bad I am. What kind of counseling am I supposed to find?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

yes

That would be a start


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

losingfaith said:


> I'm sorry, but what are they supposed to tell me? that i'm a **** with an itch who blew a great marriage? i already know how bad I am. What kind of counseling am I supposed to find?


NO! Your human. HUMAN. 

You'd be amazed at what counseling does and does not do.

No one would call you anything but late for your appointment.

It is simply a way to work on your strengths and supress your faults.

It will help you face whatever comes. And if you need, keep you safe from yourself.

Individual counseling with a psychologist will give you someone to talk to about what is going on in your life. If a counselor makes you feel like they are judging you, you are at the wrong counselor.

There is a reason you had a weak moment, over and over, and there is a reason you feel like dying.

Cheating is bad, but does not deserve a death sentence.

Your husband has his hands full with what has happened. He cannot help you. For you to expect him to is asking too much.

You must get help. If you are feeling suicidal please call: 1-800-273-8255


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I am frustrated by the lack of motive here. Losing faith, where are you financially and career wise? I would assume that you are not doing very well. Why did the OM contact you in the first place? What was his motive? Get back at his friend for dissolving the partnership? I can only assume that the husband is very successful and WS and the OM were united in their personal misery/lack of success and resentment against the successful BS


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Let me get this straight, you stabbed him in the soul with his loser worthless partner who was draining his business down the tube, so in addition to the business you gave hs marrage away too as part of the deal, and now you are angry that your betrayed hubby has gone dark and cold on you. 

So your issue here is that you are feeling angry at your husband for how he is reacting to your repeated gleeful cheating on him.

It sounds like he has decided to give you some rope to show more of your true colors. He may also be so hurt that he has just decided to emotionally cut you out of his heart. You can be a person her associates with, but he can't trust you with his heart, ever again.

You dont mention any real remorse on your part for how you have deeply and forever hurt him. Only the boiler plate about how bad you know what you did was. 

What have you done to show you deserve him to give you a chance to start a new arrange with him? What have you done to make yourself attractive to him, so that he would want you?

Have you:

1. Actually shown any remorse. So far it doesn't sound like you have.

2. Have you really told him the full truth about what you did?

3. Have you gottten rid of the bed that used to be his, but upon which you cheated with the lazy loser?

4. Why are you in the bed while he sleeps in an office. Why haven't you had the decency to replace the bed, and then you sleep on the couch.

5. Have you apologized for humiliating him?

6. Have you offered to accept divorce from him, and not to clean him out financially?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

losingfaith said:


> My H found out 6 weeks ago that I was having an affair with his business partner. First of all, I want to say that I know that what I did was wrong. I know that I should not blame my H for what I did. *But I am getting more hurt and angry every day* and I don't know what to do.


Why is it that "you" are getting "more" hurt and angry every day?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The two people he most trusted screwed him over big time, and humiliated him publically.

I doubt he worries that the man who nearly killed his biggest deal, and the guy who did end his marriage is becoming a loser drunk. Frankly, he is probably enjoying watch karma his the POSOM. The POSOM certainly deserves that and more.

You say he's not available to see you being remorseful, yet he works at home and you've gone places together, so I call BS on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What did you think would happen? The OM comes over and cries to you that he let your husband down and then sleeps with his wife? What is wrong with this picture?

You sleep with your husband's business partner and put your husband at risk for STD's. You sleep with your lover in your home. You sleep with you lover in your marital bed? This is highly symbolic and extremely degrading to your husband. Have you been tested for STD's.

I agree that counseling is a must. What you have done goes beyond the pale. What gave you permission within yourself to betray your husband is such a horrible and degrading way. It seems if your husband had not found out it would still be going on. It sounds like your husband would not have any problem finding another woman to marry who truly loves and respects him. I think you need to seriously consider that he will divorce him. Most men would never be able to get over the fact that their spouse had sex with their lover in their house and in the marital bed. How would you be feeling if the roles were reversed. I am sorry but for you to have done this show that you have a lot of anger and resentment toward your husband. How can you treat someone who loves you this way? Please seek therapy. You have a very long way to go.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

losingfaith said:


> I'm sorry, but what are they supposed to tell me? that i'm a **** with an itch who blew a great marriage? i already know how bad I am. What kind of counseling am I supposed to find?


How about figuring out why you did it? Why did you feel fine doing it over and over to him? Why now is your main concern about how you feel and not about how your husbands spirit has been crushed?

I think a therapist has a lot to work on with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you didn't get caught you would still be with the OM right now.

You know it's true.

Until that thought actually disgusts you and makes you so ashamed that even you don't want to be seen in public with you will you really be ready to work on convincing your husband that he should give you a second chance.

You aren't there yet. You are still in the fog and denial.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Let the counselor drive at first. Then you'll spill your guts like I did. It feels good to finally say it to someone that won't be hurt by it. They've heard it all. They will not judge you (which can and does happen here).

I screwed up too. I struggle with it every day. But I'm learning (slowly) through counseling and regular mental beatings be posting in this forum (poking fun). 

Just go. You'll feel better no matter how much you tell the counselor how much you hate yourself for what you did. 

Hang in there. Set a goal to get back on track.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your husband is right, it'll take a few years for him to heal if he decides to reconcile. And even then the marriage will never ever be the same again.

From your description of him, he appears to be a smart, hard working, level-headed guy with good self-discipline.

He'll approach you with his decision eventually.

In the meantime, work on bettering yourself.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

losingfaith said:


> I don't know how it happened. We looked at each other and ended up in the bed I shared with my husband. After that it was a life of lies.


Seriously?!?!
He walks in the door, he's crying about what a loser he is, you look into his eyes... and then suddenly you are in bed having sex with him. That does not make sense.
You really have no memory of the events leading from "we looked at each other" to "in the bed I shared with my husband?"


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> My H is one of these people who is always confident, always optimistic and never gets frazzled. He never loses sleep at night no matter what the situation. He was always loving and very affectionate and gave completely of himself. We were very close and often talked about our feelings and emotions. I had no reason to be dissatisfied.


Ok, Why should he get back with you? What can you offer him in the marriage now?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You need to figure out why you did this. Bottom line. It starts there. One crazy "i don't know how/why this happened" MIGHT be believable. But you carried on and on with this guy over and over and over and over and over....

But "you don't know why this happened"? You are in denial. This happened because you absolutely chose to make it happen. But why?

I have a theory. Your H is alpha, secure, strong. You are weaker, probably feel neglected, feel like you don't contribute as much to the household. You're insecure. Maybe even feel unworthy? So you find someone else unworthy and you instantly relate and feel a connection? Am I close?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I can only assume that the husband is very successful and WS and the OM were united in their personal misery/lack of success and resentment against the successful BS


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

*His whole life just got flushed down the toilet by what you chose to do. *

He probably spends every night imagining you banging his business partner in his house, in his bed that he shared with the woman he loved. 

He is in the process of detaching from you. He does not trust you and believes you still have your legs behind your ears for the OM. Why should he think anything else?

The fact that he can not touch you and does not want to see you is a very telling point. He sees you as someone who has deeply wounded him and continues to do so by your actions.

Dispose of the bed! Mattress everything. 
Every time he even thinks about it he sees his trusted business partner getting a deep throat blow job from the love of his life.
Oh. then he thinks of the long hours he worked so that you could have nice weekends with the OM who was the reason her was working long hours.. Then he thinks of you doing the one thing you would not do with him with the OM.


Your actions speak now. 
What are you doing to make him feel safe?
Who are you angry with really? Think about it. 

It is a double betrayal. Your behaviour is abhorrent and you will have to live with what you have done for the rest of your life regardless of the outcome in your marriage.
We have a saying around here..

"Own your own Sh1t"

A glimpse in to what is happening for your husband.


Oh look.. Ing just triggered..


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I was thinking about your situation, and I think you have one last shot at making things right.

You're still in the same house and still in contact with him. This may not last for much longer. He very well might decide to be done with you and to move on. To divorce and escape the misery you have caused.

You have from this moment until he leaves to convince him not to go. You know the begging and desperation you'll feel as he leaves for good. Use that to motivate yourself to work hard to make sure that moment doesn't come.

Get to a therapist and work on why and how there is something missing or broken in you that would let you betray him for the last 4 months with another man that is very clearly inferior to him. very clearly not his equal as a man or husband.

Replace the bedroom and other furniture you had sex on. Get rid of every vile trace of the affair and the OM from you, your life, and his home.

Take this short precious time to make your case and your plea. Because I think he is just working out the details in his head on how to end it with you. How to get you out of his life for a little as possible.

There is also the possibility that what you have done has broken him, in which case be very mindful that he may do something dangerous to himself. Even strong men have breaking points, and you may have push him past his.

but whatever you do - do not dare to get angry at him or mad. You lost that right. You gave it away when you gave away your husband's love and trust. You need to earn back the right to be angry.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Because I like to play devils advocate, I'll say this.

Six weeks is a long time to be distant. Getting the cold shoulder is painful for both people and before long it becomes easier to avoid each other than it is to talk.

Don't wait for him to make his decision because in this situation, he's making that decision in a silo of hurt.

Reach out to him and take the first step.

re: Counseling, I completely agree, get it... for both of you.

re: Bringing the subject up, find a way. I've no doubt that he's embarrassed to talk about it, but he needs to get that release or it will consume him.

Perhaps, "Please forgive me for pushing you. I know that you probably hate me right now and I have no real right to ask you but I want to talk to you about this, about us. Can we please talk, even if all you do is scream at me? This will never get better if we don't talk and I think you know that."

Once you do get him talking, you're going to have to be able to answer the only question that is running through his mind... "Why"

"What is the matter with me? I gave you everything; what can I so obviously not give you? I thought we were happy. Why?"

If you don't know the answer to these questions then find them and tell him that you're trying to figure that out through counseling. Not knowing the answers will make him angry, but showing that you're trying to figure things out will at least help.

Also, have you considered that he might try for a revenge A? Are you prepared for that?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You know why you need counseling? Because until you know exactly why you chose to betray your husband, and take measures to resolve the issue(s), he will never trust you. And a marriage without trust is not worth continuing.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

I think that you don't understand how much you hurt the man who loved you with all his heart. I'll tell you why he won't touch you and why he is cold to you...

1. He worked with OM,he even has done OMs part of the job while the OM was having sex with his wife...
2.You had sex with OM in your MARITAL HOUSE AND MARITAL BED and that is the most humiliating thing that you can do to a person...
3.And you confessed and came clean only because someone saw the two of you together and if that wasn't the case you would still had your affair with this POSOM...

Your H is devastated,its like someone close to him died,even worse then this...you betrayed him with his business partner and someone that he considered as his friend in some way and that is a double betrayal...You are a constant reminder and a constant trigger for your H because every time he looks at you he has terrible mind movies about you and the POSOM having sex and that is killing him inside...

*You,your house,your marital bed,everything is a big trigger and constant reminder of the affair,even the job is a big reminder because the OM is/was his business partner,and that's why your H won't touch you and why he is cold to you...*

And after all that you have done you say that you are angry at your husband because he is cold to you...OMG how selfish you are...

Your marriage will never be the same,your H will never show you true happiness from his face unless he fakes it...

You just killed a soul of a good man and I hope your H will be OK in a few years from now,and for you I dont know what to say...every other ending of this story that is not a divorce should be great succes for you...


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> Here is your job. You keep your mouth shut. You live minute by minute wondering if hes gonna cast your worthless cheating a$$ out, and being thankful for every day he ends up staying married to you.


That's martyrdom. Hurt festers in a vacuum. 



Initfortheduration said:


> When/if he is able to open up about how bad you hurt him, you shut up and listen.


Agreed.



Initfortheduration said:


> Last but not least. You don't get to say "I'm sorry" for this. He needs to forgive you. Forgiveness gives him the power and authority. You saying your sorry, means ****. Its not your right to decide about your sorrow. Its his choice to bless you with forgiveness or not.


True, but she needs to heal too. That comes with dealing with her own sorrow. And there's no rules against saying sorry while her mascara and snot are running down her face.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well she hasn' been back to post since two days ago.

But OP, if you are still reading this...

_4 months ago, the OM called me. At this time I did not know him very well. He was very upset and said he needed to talk to me in private, so I was concerned and asked him to come over. He was crying when he walked in the door and said he was so ashamed for letting my H down and that he always knew that he was a "charity case" in their partnership.

I don't know how it happened. We looked at each other and ended up in the bed I shared with my husband._

Ok... there is a lot you did not explain. You went from "he called me crying" to "we ended up in bed." 

Nope. A lot more happened, so please elaborate.

You said they startedt his business deal a year ago, meaning you knew him or of him all that time. Di dyou know the OM before? Is he a friend of the family?

I know you want your husband to "get over this" but that's not how it happens once infidelity occurs in a marriage. Your husband is gutted right now. He has a scar on him now that will last a lifetime. Give him all the space he asks for right now and ask what you can do for HIM.

No contact is the way to go wtih the OM. Also, counselling is a great idea. IC and MC. 

Own your infidelity and apologize if you haven't done so yet.

You have a long road ahead, whether this leads to a divorce or reconciliation. 

Brace yourself.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She was looking for another magic bullet. She's not going to find it, just like she didn't find it with the other man.

What the other man found was a magic bullet, against his friend and partner.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I hope she will come back with an open mind.


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## losingfaith (Dec 21, 2011)

I know I have no right to be angry with him. But I cant help it because he projects that the whole thing doesn\'t affect him much, and I have tried again and again to show him how this is torturing me, how much I need to talk.

Does he have the right to rape me for this? To break my arms? For all that say - no, that would be too much, I say that I would rather that he be angry and do these things instead of treating me the way he is doing now. I wish he would hit me every day if that would be the only way to see what he was really feeling.

I did try to throw away the bed. But he said don\'t do that, you\'re being irrational, it\'s just an object. I still won\'t sleep in it. I am afraid to tell him that I am not sleeping in it, because I think he wants me to sleep in it and suffer and I am afraid to defy him.

He told me this morning over breakfast, \"I think I should tell you about Charlie (the OM). He\'s in hospital with alcohol poisoning and it looks very bad. Don\'t blame yourself. He was destroying himself with drink for years.\" Then he washed his plate and went into his office. Does that sound like a man whose spirit has been crushed?

He is showing me daily that he has enough strength to discuss my crime with me and tell me how he sees the future, but he chooses not to. Shouldn\'t I believe him?

I don\'t know if I love my h right now, but I do know that I hate myself. Hate myself


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Chuck out the bed and get a new one, stop talking and take action . I am not going to analyse your husband but from what I can read he has withdrawn and is slowly taking you apart the only way he knows. His mentioning the OM is a test and he may be pleased inside that the OM is in a bad state.

Actively start doing things to evidence you love him , I have no doubt that your dislike for your husband shows and he is managing you back. People respond to action and words , it does not sound like there is much of that from you.

You could always go in for an STD test and give him the results, he may choose to ignore it but it shows action.

Buy a mattress and join him in the office , if he gets angry then so what, stay. If your afraid of him , leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why did you cheat with Charlie? Why wasn't it a one time thing? Maybe he knew before you confessed.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Really, what did you expect to happen when you are cheating on your husband's partner in your home and in your marital bed? If the roles were reversed how would you be feeling and acting? Get rid of the bed now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He sounds like someone in shock. Like he is so hurt he has just shutdown emotionally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Throw away that bed, mattress, sheets and all. If you can't afford to replace it, get a cheap blow up mattress. No matter what, get rid of that bed!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Like I said in an earlier post. You need to start using this time to take action to show him you are worth keepIng. 

He sounds emotionally shutdown. You need therapy to help you deal with how you could have started and kept the affair going. While you are there discuss your husbands actions with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is really simple - he is detaching from you. It's the healthiest thing he could do. You've put him through the worst thing possible - and he is returning the favor. He probably knows you really well, right? So he knows what would bother you the most and he is implementing that plan right now.

He is pulling a very effective 180. Read up on that.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

whether your husband endorses you getting counseling or not. You need it. Try telling your husband this. " I know it may be to soon for us to address this issue. But I need to find out why I did what I did. I need counseling if only to be able to accept what I have done, and how I have hurt you. I will report my progress to you and answer any questions you have. You may or may not want to be involved, but I need to do this."

You have poo pooed counselors. Let me toss this idea out there. What if your husband is observing you? What if hes watching to see if you're going to grow up and own what you did? What if he wants to see how hard you will work to restore what you have stolen? What if he's waiting to see if YOU will do the work required, without him having to lord over you? Tell him you have to get rid of the bed, whether he sleeps with you or not. Tell him its a constant reminder to you and its painful, either that or if he sleeps in his office, sleep on the floor outside the door. Hell ask him outright if you can sleep on the floor of the office, get an air mattress and sleep on it. Start journaling and encourage him to read it. He may want to see determination in you and not just raw emotion. Just some thoughts


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Actions speak louder than words and no action on your part would speak louder than you filing for divorce. Not to runaway from him but to give him back his freedom to find another woman with whom he could star a new life with.

By you letting go of him, you could help him heal and possibly move him enough toward a desire for reconciliation.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Losingfaith....

You have to give your husband time to process all you did, the degree of your betrayal...

1. Your affair partner.....not a stranger or someone unknown to him but a business partner, a trusted person, a friend (you betrayed him and his partner betrayed him..........he not only has to deal with your betray, but feeling like he was a fool, that you two disrespected him.....ITS A LOT TO GET OVER!

2. Didn't know the guy very well and you fall into bet with the guy...in his house, in his bed (?)........

3. You only ended the affiar because you were caught and he knows that you both would still be telling him lies, disrespecting and laughting behind his back if you were not caught.......

He is the one who is "Losing Faith" or lost faith...."Losing Faith" should be his screen name not yours.

His hurt is big........you need to give him time....this is about him, not about you.......the healing has to be on his terms, he has to deal with the mutlitple betrayals.......you have to allow the time, if you can't leave him.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to find/fix---the absolute deep down reason WHY---you would throw away your own life.

You have known what your H., is like, and how he deals with things in his life.

You obviously know how he controls things, and what his capabilities are in re; dealing with life, and everything therein, including relationships, of those around him.

Yet you get taken in by a sob story, and end up in bed with the loser, full well knowing, what the consequences would be if you were caught

You would still be in your A., had it not been for being seen in public, and that in itself brings up a question, no matter where you were, why would you go out into public with this loser, perform physical acts with him, right out in the open where anyone can see you, and think it was OK, and you could get away with it.

You definitely need counseling---IMHO, IC, just go and get it yourself, Your H., has a medical plan that includes you, IC, should be covered.

What deep problems do you have, that you would connect, with a loser, did you feel like a loser, in comparison to your H., other question again, is, did you wanna get caught, otherwise, why be physical out in the open.---Did you have FOO, problems???

You need to deal with your own life, and find out/fix WHY, you would wreck your own life, and wreck your mge.

You had to have some idea of why, you would be intimate with the loser, when he came over---the 1st time, and in all actuality, why did he seek you out----in some depraved way of his own, was he getting even with your H., by taking his wife, YOU.

This has deep psych problems, written all over it, you need to stop being an immature woman, become an adult, and find out WHY this happened. Then you go from there

You have no control over what your H., will do, but you can fix/take care of you!!!!!!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your husband is detaching from the marriage; a process you started and I think he's going to finish it.

Any kids? If so, that may be holding him back somewhat.

If you want to save what remains of the marriage, he needs to be convinced what's left of the marriage is worth keeping.

There are several good suggestions in this thread for you to try.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> This is really simple - he is detaching from you. It's the healthiest thing he could do. You've put him through the worst thing possible - and he is returning the favor. He probably knows you really well, right? So he knows what would bother you the most and he is implementing that plan right now.
> 
> He is pulling a very effective 180. Read up on that.


:iagree:

A very effective 180 indeed.

He may be getting it from another infidelity support site.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Your H is in shock and his way of dealing with it is detaching and stocking away his feelings. He is fighting this horrid situation he finds himself in with logic and rationalization(not justification). 

Instead of calling "abuse" or "cruelty" on him for shutting you out, you must develop empathy for him. You know that you caused this and you are at fault. You say you know this but do you really? Your posts reek of selfishness and lack of understanding into his hurt and defense mechanism. If you do, you wouldn't be so impatient like you are. Actually, you would be remorseful and even thankful that your H does not react like a raving maniac like some other BH does. 

With the matter of MC, why do you think you don't need one? Do you honestly think that you are perfectly fine other than having this little indescretion? In your original post, you mentioned that you confessed because of your "stupid conscience". Why is that? You confessed because you were found out by your friend, no? You mean, you still could have kept quiet, but you didn't, so therefore it must have been your "conscience", is that it? To top it off, you now regret confessing and blame your "stupid conscience" instead of "youself" for having the affair in the first place?

Do you think a normal, conscientious person would jump in a bed the first night of encounter with OM in such presumably innocent private setting? Don't you see this pungent stink of self-centeredness and the utter lack of conscience in you, as revealed in the series of your actions through all this? You obviously do not see yourself for who you truly are standing in front of mirror every morning. What you see is this warped version of yourself.

My point is, you do need MC or IC to figure out who this monster is. You think right now it is your H who needs help since he is not reacting as how you want him to react. Just unbelievable you are! The first person who needs help here is none other than you! The kind of help you must get from professionals, it is. Accept that there is something terribly wrong with you, and for Christ sake, fix yourself!

And, stop blaming your H. Why does he deserve that from you? You accused him of "punishing" you. If he is, don't you think you deserve it? Do you honestly believe it would have been better if he had lashed out at you with all the nastiness he is capable of? Do you know the old Chinese adage, "Beware what you wish for"?

You may not realize this, but your posts give away tell tale signs of very someone capable of such trecherous affair. I hope you come to place where you can see what we see.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> Your H is in shock and his way of dealing with it is detaching and stocking away his feelings. He is fighting this horrid situation he finds himself in with logic and rationalization(not justification).
> 
> Instead of calling "abuse" or "cruelty" on him for shutting you out, you must develop empathy for him. You know that you caused this and you are at fault. You say you know this but do you really? Your posts reek of selfishness and lack of understanding into his hurt and defense mechanism. If you do, you wouldn't be so impatient like you are. Actually, you would be remorseful and even thankful that your H does not react like a raving maniac like some other BH does.
> 
> ...


Wow...just wow. Spot on! :iagree:


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