# 9 months post D-Day



## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

I posted here last about 6 months ago. I got some good advice and I appreciate it. 

I live on a small island in the Pacific. My wife of 15 years slept with a local and got chlamydia. So I found out about the affair. We tried marriage counseling. The counselor really bonded with my wife. That made things so much worse. After 3 months I quit counseling and asked for a divorce. The wife didn't want one. We negotiated. She stayed around until the kids finished the school year in June. Then they were on the next plane to the states. I suggested we share custody, she wanted sole custody. I figured I'd let her have a little taste of raising the kids by herself for a few months. 

I have really enjoyed my time since she left. I went on a date and flirted with a few women. Mostly I have done fun stuff with friends - camping, hiking, traveling, jiu jitsu. I also get individual counseling. (All counseling is on-line - there are no legit counselors here.) My contract ends next week. My co-workers are throwing me a party. Then I am going on a long adventurous vacation. When the kids start school in September I'll be back to the city they live in. I won't have a job but I could probably get one fast. I have enough money to last a while. 

My wife has been remorseful - excessively so. She is being treated for depression with meds. She continued to see our marriage counselor for a while but I don't think she talks to her anymore. She cries her eyes out all the time. She has also developed a heart problem since I found out about the affair. She is really falling apart. Of course, she wants to share custody now after realizing she can't do it alone. Despite her declining health, she is changing some of her ways. She is getting a good 6 figure paying job now. (I blame part of the affair on the fact that she rarely worked and just was a board housewife despite being highly skilled at her work.) She gave me all her passwords during counseling. I rarely look at her stuff any more. She offered to sign a post nuptial contract that if she cheats I get all the property. She is ready to promise me anything if I come back to her. She texts me all the time and says she loves me and she is sorry. 

I am not really interested in getting back with her. The divorce will take a long time in the states. There is a one year residency requirement. But I am fine with my new sort of single life. 

I have some concerns about the kids. They know something is wrong but we have not told them we are divorcing. We will talk about it with them (ages 11 & 13) when I get back. I have another place I can live about an hour and a half from them if I do not find a job in the city where they live. Worst case scenario, it is still our home. I can live there.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It will get easier when everyone gets used to their new reality. Your wife played and paid a hard price. Good for you for expecting and wanting more. You will end up with more it just takes time.

I read your first post your wife is not some victim just an ordinary stupid silly cheater. The story is gross actually I don't blame you for not wanting her back. You can do better.

Remember she fired you. I am not saying be mean to her but you don't owe her anything. Co-parent and be pleasant, but it's OK to move on even if it's hard on her. She didn't care if it would be hard on you when she decided to cheat. Detach you don't have to be her provider or protector any more.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She is only remorseful that she got caught and is now paying the price.

Have you been tested for STD? If not, do so immediately.


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## karr99 (Jun 28, 2017)

OP, do you think she's sorry because now she lives her consequences (single parent, no om) or because she really loves you and remorseful of what she's put you through ? If it's the former, i'll suggest you to proceed to divorce because once life gets back to normal again, who knows if next temptation comes along


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP in your original post you said that you were still in love with your wife and did not want to break up the marriage - what changed ?

If I understand this correctly:

She cheated with a village chief [email protected] from the island for about 2-3 months, contracted Chlamydia and then came clean.

You went and had a revenge affair with her knowledge which was also dumb and cruel - so now the two of you are equal!!?!?

She goes back to the USA, straightens herself out and gets a job, and although she is depressed is trying to get you back.

You on the other hand are "enjoying your freedom"!?!? 

So what changed in you ?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I have read all of your threads and I think your wife treated you very shabbily,what happened between you and the other woman was a direct consequence of your wife cheating on you with a guy who gave her chlamydia.The guy she screwed around with is as you say dirt poor so what was the attraction.
One thing strikes me though,before you even consider reconciliation just remember you would never have known about her affair (or affairs) if she hadn't gotten an std.She initially said the hospital screwed up but then had to admit she was infected.Have You any proof that this was her first rodeo and do you really know (or care) what she is doing in the states while you are thousands of miles away.


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## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> She is only remorseful that she got caught and is now paying the price.
> 
> Have you been tested for STD? If not, do so immediately.


 I tested negative.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Odd, I just posted a long response to a BH on a term I picked up from another board "lethal plan of flatness". You seem to skipped the 2 or 3 years before it occurs.

In any event what are you doing about your own adultery? You where hurt, yes. You felt discounted, yes. You felt anger, yes. But why not just divorce? You did it because you where broken like her, perhaps?


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## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I have read all of your threads and I think your wife treated you very shabbily,what happened between you and the other woman was a direct consequence of your wife cheating on you with a guy who gave her chlamydia.The guy she screwed around with is as you say dirt poor so what was the attraction.
> One thing strikes me though,before you even consider reconciliation just remember you would never have known about her affair (or affairs) if she hadn't gotten an std.She initially said the hospital screwed up but then had to admit she was infected.Have You any proof that this was her first rodeo and do you really know (or care) what she is doing in the states while you are thousands of miles away.


 I do not know what she does in the states. She texts me 40 times a day and cries and begs me to come back. If she meets someone kind and good then I would be OK with that. I worry that she will let a scumbag into her life, and thus near my kids. I prosecute child molesters for a living so this worry is strong. 

I don't know if it was her first rodeo. She claims it was but who knows. I don't know what her attraction to the other man was. Physically he is big and strong. He is very charming. He is some sort of petty chief. But he is a manipulative dirt ball with about ten kids from various women that he doesn't care for. 

I feel bad about what I did with the other woman. Basically, in the weeks after D-day my wife encouraged me to screw around. We talked about threesomes and stuff. I suggested one with a bartender we met. The next day I took the bartender out. We talked. She was into me. I suggested a threesome again, telling my wife seriously I can make this happen. My wife backed out. I said I was going to sleep with the bartender anyway. She didn't say not to. I did. Then the bartender moved back to her country the next week. My wife was a wreck afterwards. I felt bad about using the other woman. Her feelings were hurt when she realized I was trying to get revenge on my wife. It was wrong to use her that way. 

My wife and I continued counseling for a while after that. But eventually I just couldn't get past her affair. She kept telling people too. That really bothered me. I asked her not to tell anyone because I was humiliated. She would hear some co-worker complain about her marriage then confide in them. Or she would be crying at work and tell someone why we were fighting. Counseling also unleashed some deep problems she had stemming from child abuse and her mother. At first I was glad it all came out but eventually I started to see that she was really a mess and unwilling to change basic stuff. Like she needs to cut her mother out of her life. From 3000 miles away her mom can leave her in tears for days with a phone call. WTF, why does she continue to take these calls and visit her mother? I don't know and am not going to waste time finding out. My job now is to protect my kids from their grandmother. I've explained to them how she is abusive. They understand.


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## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

karr99 said:


> OP, do you think she's sorry because now she lives her consequences (single parent, no om) or because she really loves you and remorseful of what she's put you through ? If it's the former, i'll suggest you to proceed to divorce because once life gets back to normal again, who knows if next temptation comes along


I think it is the latter. But the former is not making it better.


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## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> OP in your original post you said that you were still in love with your wife and did not want to break up the marriage - what changed ?
> 
> If I understand this correctly:
> 
> ...


It was a long process but I learned a lot in marriage counseling. I do not think she would cheat on me again. But I also realized she is not going to change the problems in her head. She is getting a good job but she is doing it to win me back. She tells me so. She said if not for me she would work a lazy minimum stress job for significantly less money. I would still be expected to work my butt off, of course. 

The other thing is I was scared. I had been married for 15 years and did not know what my life would be like without her. I had nightmares. But over time I realized that I would be OK. Some individual counseling helped cement that idea but it had started to grow when I slept with the other woman. Since she left I have been OK. I get lonely and miss my kids, especially when I am doing something awesome that they would love. But mostly I am enjoying myself.


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## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Odd, I just posted a long response to a BH on a term I picked up from another board "lethal plan of flatness". You seem to skipped the 2 or 3 years before it occurs.
> 
> In any event what are you doing about your own adultery? You where hurt, yes. You felt discounted, yes. You felt anger, yes. But why not just divorce? You did it because you where broken like her, perhaps?


I googled lethal plain of flatness. Maybe that fits. My own adultery was wrong but mostly I feel bad for not being nice to the other woman. My wife encouraged it. Plus, our vows were already broken. As far as I am concerned our marriage ended when she got in another man's bed. I said so at the time. Marriage Counseling was focused on how we can 'make a new marriage.' 
That counseling broke down when the counselor began minimizing my needs to talk about divorce, began giving individual counseling to my wife, and acting like my wife's best buddy (they have the same mommy dearest issues). But seeing the two of them interact was good for me. I saw a side of my wife I never saw. I really didn't like it. 
We did not divorce here on the island because my wife begged me to wait until we got back to the states. We could have divorced in 6 weeks here. She wanted to buy some time. I agreed on the condition that she leave when school ended. Maybe we should have divorced here. But either way is OK. I am OK with a long separation.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

asgdf said:


> I do not know what she does in the states. She texts me 40 times a day and cries and begs me to come back. If she meets someone kind and good then I would be OK with that. I worry that she will let a scumbag into her life, and thus near my kids. I prosecute child molesters for a living so this worry is strong.
> 
> I don't know if it was her first rodeo. She claims it was but who knows. I don't know what her attraction to the other man was. Physically he is big and strong. He is very charming. He is some sort of petty chief. But he is a manipulative dirt ball with about ten kids from various women that he doesn't care for.
> 
> ...


I think you totally lost the upper hand when you revenge cheated on your wife. Your actions are no better than hers tbh. Yes she did an awful awful thing to you, even giving you an STD but to then invite someone into the marriage and also sleep with them, how can that make things better. You too have major issues and in no way come up smelling of roses in this whole sad tale.
I think you should divorce and move on with your lives. I do not condone cheating on any level and I hope you both meet people who will love and care for you but imo both of you need some serious work on yourselves.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Divorce and move on. Your life has been happier without her in it. Let her down easy, and keep a friendly relationship with her for the sake of the kids. Encourage her to continue with therapy to get to the root of her issues with her mother and with fidelity.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

So what's happening is that you're feeling bad for _her_, and only that.

I don't detect any latent anger or disgust towards her, so that's good. You tried to make it work post d-day, and the desire wasn't there for you, and still isn't.

However, you have a lot of sympathy for her because she's not doing well AND she does seem genuinely repentant.

But at the base of all of this - you are enjoying your life without her, which is great.

Perhaps there's some residual guilt that you're doing so well and she isn't?

You seem like an intelligent guy, so I think you know that she's not your responsibility, despite being the mother to your kids.

Bottom line, you don't want to get back with her - so don't. It doesn't seem borne out of anger or spite or anything like that, so you're in your right mind, so to speak. At the end of the day, you'd be sacrificing a part of you because you feel bad for her. I've been there, done that, and it never works out in the end, believe me.

I'm sure a lot of the advice you'll be given is "she cheated on you, so **** her" and that's fine. But you don't seem to feel that way AND she seems extremely genuine in her remorse and willingness to make it work. If you wanted your old life back, you'd have done that by now.




asgdf said:


> I posted here last about 6 months ago. I got some good advice and I appreciate it.
> 
> I live on a small island in the Pacific. My wife of 15 years slept with a local and got chlamydia. So I found out about the affair. We tried marriage counseling. The counselor really bonded with my wife. That made things so much worse. After 3 months I quit counseling and asked for a divorce. The wife didn't want one. We negotiated. She stayed around until the kids finished the school year in June. Then they were on the next plane to the states. I suggested we share custody, she wanted sole custody. I figured I'd let her have a little taste of raising the kids by herself for a few months.
> 
> ...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you are still on the island and can get divorced in 6 weeks - do it.
If you go back to the States then file divorce you are going to get hosed on spousal support.
You can always date her with an eye toward remarriage when you get back.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

asgdf said:


> The other thing is I was scared. I had been married for 15 years and did not know what my life would be like without her. I had nightmares. But over time I realized that I would be OK. Some individual counseling helped cement that idea but it had started to grow when I slept with the other woman. Since she left I have been OK. I get lonely and miss my kids, especially when I am doing something awesome that they would love. But mostly I am enjoying myself.


Something to keep in mind which I think a lot of BH forget is, it's not what would your life be without her as you knew it (before the affair), it's what would your life be without her now (after the affair). The life before the affair is already gone you didn't have a choice in that she arbitrarily decided to take that from you. 

You are also no longer responsible to her. In my mind you no longer have any vows that you need to fulfill. Marriage is the only contract where some people tend to tell you you must still abide by the rules of the contract when the other party brakes them. To me this is just silly and not the case. If you wanted to stay together then it's probably a good idea not to rush into being with someone else but I don't think you are breaking your vows by doing so or even being immoral. Again maybe not a good idea. I think your thinking about the other women is good, it wasn't right to use her like you did, and this is where you were wrong, especially if she was with someone (you are a little vague on that). As far as it pertains to your wife, what you did and what she did are not even in the same ballpark. You absolutely did not commit adultery "on your wife" at least as far as I am concerned (don't know about this women you were with), the marriage was over as soon as she stepped out of it. That's my thinking seems to be yours too. 

So it sound like what you are really saying is her affair killed or is killing any romantic love you had for her. My response to that is GREAT! Now you can move on without the suffering that comes from still being in love even though you know you won't be happy. You have successfully detached which is one of the hardest things to do it seems. However the problem is you feel bad that your wife is going to have to face some harsh consequences from her betraying you. Thing is she fired you from that job when she broke her vows. You need to stop taking responsibility for her like you are her husband. You can decide if you still want to be friends with her, maybe even help her from time to time, but you have no responsibility to her except in the case where she is the mother of your child. Help her that way. I don't think I need to tell you staying with someone because of misplaced guilt is the wrong reason.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

asgdf said:


> I am not really interested in getting back with her.


Good man. 

Getting the clap from banging the village idiot? Deal breaker.

Don't feel an ounce of sorrow. Her misery is 100% her own stupidity.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

asgdf said:


> *She is getting a good 6 figure paying job now*. (I blame part of the affair on the fact that *she rarely worked and just was a board housewife *despite being highly skilled at her work.


*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!* 

Hold on. How the feck do you go from being a housewife to earning a six figure salary? :surprise:


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> *BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!*
> 
> Hold on. How the feck do you go from being a housewife to earning a six figure salary? :surprise:


He said she left the little island and flew back to the states.
Guess her skills are in demand.


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## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> *BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!*
> 
> Hold on. How the feck do you go from being a housewife to earning a six figure salary? :surprise:


 She has 20 years experience in her field. While we were on the island we didn't need a lot of money so she worked only one day a week. She told me she was working on her photography hobby and taking care of the kids while she was screwing around with the village idiot. Now she has to work full time again.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

asgdf said:


> She has 20 years experience in her field. While we were on the island we didn't need a lot of money so she worked only one day a week. She told me she was working on her photography hobby and taking care of the kids while she was screwing around with the village idiot. Now she has to work full time again.


mmmmmm...kay....:scratchhead:


What island? Guam? American Samoa? I guess with the exchange rate....

If she's Samoan I can believe the 300 pounds. You know I once worked with a Samoan chick who was big enough to shove a stick up my ass and use me for a lollipop.


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## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

sokillme said:


> I think your thinking about the other women is good, it wasn't right to use her like you did, and this is where you were wrong, especially if she was with someone (you are a little vague on that). As far as it pertains to your wife, what you did and what she did are not even in the same ballpark. You absolutely did not commit adultery "on your wife" at least as far as I am concerned (don't know about this women you were with), the marriage was over as soon as she stepped out of it. That's my thinking seems to be yours too.
> 
> So it sound like what you are really saying is her affair killed or is killing any romantic love you had for her. My response to that is GREAT! Now you can move on without the suffering that comes from still being in love even though you know you won't be happy. You have successfully detached which is one of the hardest things to do it seems. However the problem is you feel bad that your wife is going to have to face some harsh consequences from her betraying you. Thing is she fired you from that job when she broke her vows. You need to stop taking responsibility for her like you are her husband. You can decide if you still want to be friends with her, maybe even help her from time to time, but you have no responsibility to her except in the case where she is the mother of your child. Help her that way. I don't think I need to tell you staying with someone because of misplaced guilt is the wrong reason.


The other woman was single. She had a ticket to leave before I slept with her. That was part of the reason I gave it a shot. She was leaving within two weeks of the time I met her so I knew she would not become a problem hanging around. She was in her 30s. But she was nice and I made her feel used and I regret that. If things were different I would like to have been nice to her and gotten to know her. 
Yes, my wife's affair has killed much of the romantic love I had for her. I can't go through life like so many betrayed spouses do, waiting, hoping that it won't happen again. It hurt too bad to risk that. I also just can't forgive her. I tried but I can't. She thinks that after a year or so I might be able to. Our counselor said it takes at least a year. I just can't imagine I could ever forgive and get back together. 
But she is the mother of my kids. I want her to be successful and happy. I want my daughter to see a strong woman as a role model. I want my son to see me treat his mother with respect. I also have a nice relationship with my step kids. So I'll help where I can - not as a husband but as a co-parent and friend.


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## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> If you are still on the island and can get divorced in 6 weeks - do it.
> If you go back to the States then file divorce you are going to get hosed on spousal support.
> You can always date her with an eye toward remarriage when you get back.


 Thanks. You might be right. But I agreed not to do this. I won't. It may come back to bite me and I may be foolish for not doing it. But at the end of the day I said I wouldn't so I won't.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> mmmmmm...kay....:scratchhead:
> 
> 
> What island? Guam? American Samoa? I guess with the exchange rate....
> ...


That sucks!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

asgdf said:


> Thanks. You might be right. But I agreed not to do this. I won't. It may come back to bite me and I may be foolish for not doing it. But at the end of the day I said I wouldn't so I won't.


I would say you made that promise under duress. But I see your point. You will be honorable and keep your promise - even after she did not.

Why not tell her up front that you want a quick divorce before returning from the states. That you will be a co-parent and friend then see what develops.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

asgdf said:


> She thinks that after a year or so I might be able to. Our counselor said it takes at least a year. I just can't imagine I could ever forgive and get back together.


And you don't have to. Lots of people couldn't. That was the deal that SHE made. She broke it. Go live your life and find what you lost with someone else. You may even find better. Remember you were in a relationship where your wife by her own volition says she transferred all her anger from her mother to you. Doesn't sound like it was as good as you though. Maybe if a few years the counselor will be right but nothing is saying you need to stick around and wait to find out. Your wife has to live with her choices and unfortunately so do you. Go out and see what is there to offer you. 



> But she is the mother of my kids. I want her to be successful and happy. I want my daughter to see a strong woman as a role model. I want my son to see me treat his mother with respect. I also have a nice relationship with my step kids. So I'll help where I can - not as a husband but as a co-parent and friend.


Yep, you should at least tell her that so she doesn't get her hopes up.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

can you get her to sign that post nup now?


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## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> can you get her to sign that post nup now?


 I could but I think that would imply staying in the marriage. I do not want to mislead her.


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## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

I thank everyone who replied to me. After a month long vacatI moved back in with my wife and kids with the understanding that it was temporary. I got a good paying job and so did she. We agreed To refinance our place so I could take some money to buy a place nearby. 

Our lender emailed me asking for a document. I thought it would be easy to find on my wife’s email. So I opened it and searched an innocent search term. A list of 25 emails popped up including one from 2009. 

Not good. She had gotten together with an old college friend and gone to lunch with him and met some other time or times. The email was flirting. They recalled old conversations about their sex lives and she joked about what motherhood had done to her breasts. She told him how funny he was. She also deleted all the emails he sent her. Only the ones in her sent box were not deleted. 

I took a Valium after my martial arts class. This morning she asked what was wrong. I told her I had been having nightmares. I was. 

Things have been nice. We both know we are divorcing. Though I frequently have had second thoughts that was the path we were on. She swore up and down that last years affair was the first and only one. 

These emails are not proof she had sex before but she no longer gets the benefit of the doubt. It is enough. 

I don’t think there is any need to discuss it with her. The last thing I need is a fight while she is being cool and helping me get money for a new place. 

But it hurts. I feel like I am back in the crazy whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that had calmed down for the last few months. This really sucks.


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