# Why can't I just leave my wife?



## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and hope to find some answers to my many questions and finally can understand this whole thing called marriage. 

I start by saying that I am a 36 years old husband and father of three children, two from a previous marriage. Married for six years now which was a hell right from the beginning. My wife was also married before. We started seeing each other about eight years ago and the first few months were great I have to say but then after some time I was getting confused by her lying and denying when confronted. She knew how to make me believe her and finally I was always convinced that she was telling the truth despite all the confusing stories. She had like some sorth of power on me that she could tell a lie and than cover it up with a story. Then two years went by and we married. After few months she was fired from work and as asual, she tried to hide the real reason for her being fired and invented a story. I was suspicious as always even because her reaction was not appropriate for the story she invented. And I was right. This time she couldn't hide because the employer opened a case against her in court and a police investigation was going. 

After things started to make sense for me. I thought of all the times I was suspicious of other stories in the past and found out most of them were lies or lies with some truth in it.

She still lies and hide things today. I learned how to catch her lying and she learned to lie on a different level. We talked about it several times but nothing happened. We always end up fighting when I confront her and I get so angry that I leave home but then I go back when she reaches me and we talk. She is afraid of us being separated. I whish I can do it because I don't trust her anymore, but I keep going back. I know this is not the best way for me to live but I just can't leave.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

SteveBo said:


> Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and hope to find some answers to my many questions and finally can understand this whole thing called marriage.
> 
> I start by saying that I am a 36 years old husband and father of three children, two from a previous marriage. Married for six years now which was a hell right from the beginning. My wife was also married before. We started seeing each other about eight years ago and the first few months were great I have to say but then after some time I was getting confused by her lying and denying when confronted. She knew how to make me believe her and finally I was always convinced that she was telling the truth despite all the confusing stories. She had like some sorth of power on me that she could tell a lie and than cover it up with a story. Then two years went by and we married. After few months she was fired from work and as asual, she tried to hide the real reason for her being fired and invented a story. I was suspicious as always even because her reaction was not appropriate for the story she invented. And I was right. This time she couldn't hide because the employer opened a case against her in court and a police investigation was going.
> 
> ...


Don't use the ultimatum; use the fact. You have to sort out all of your issues, and then you can approach her. This is not a problem that you can just accept, as it takes away from what could be a good relationship.

First, explain why you give in to her. Fear/desperation are not genuine. Which is why nothing changes. It is just a ploy to get you back, so that you can be her pin cushion again. That said, there is nothing appropriate about being so angry that you leave. We are either invested in a relationship, or we are not. You have to maintain your end, as well.

People that are compulsive liars actually live in their lies. It isn't that they don't know their lies are fictitious, it is that their lies come to life. Mostly, they don't remain fully conscious of the fact that it is an ongoing lie.

Your number one task is to handle your emotions and reactions well. I am not talking about bottling it up. I am talking about using your emotions intelligently. It will make you more powerful, and she won't be able to weave magic with her lies as easily.

Then, you will have to tell her that things need to change. Depending on the circumstances, there is more or less time before you make it aware that you will leave if they don't.

Are you at that point now?


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

What does she lie about?


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## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

Thank you for the replies! 

Yes I am at the point of leaving if things doesn't change but I am stuck at this point. Things haven't changed for years now and I'm still here. 

She lies about everything you can imagine, mostly about money. She hid bank accounts in the past and also loans that she had that I never new about. She also lies about other things like telling me about a conversation she had with my mother or other relatives then it is always different when I hear it from others. She tries to manipulate things to come to her favour telling me one thing and tell others another . Then if she doesn't get wgat she wants she will be mad as a wet hen.

Sorry if that was hard to understand but somethings are not easy to explain when English is not your first language.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

You need to casually ask her and catch her on a lie you have evidence for. Do it while you are doing something, not looking at her. Ask again just as casual and clarify. Then ask her with eye contact. Sit her down and ask her again calmly. Let it escalate to arguing if you have to and if she lies and lies and lies you have massive problems brother and she will eventually ruin you. You ultimatum her that if she won't disclose, she leaves for good. If her issues are deep, she will prefer to leave and you have to be prepared for this.

You've probably been protecting your family from knowing she's a liar but you'll need them now if you follow through the above.


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## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

I ask casually and I catch alot of lies. She is never comfortable when I ask questions. Normally she is anxious and panicked. She would avoid sitting down and speak calmly and she usually give her back and walk away to another room. She is in arguing mode right from beginning. No matter how I ask. She denies and fight to the last and its when I finally decide to pack and leave that she starts to turn calm and telling some truth. Then most of the time she says that she lied for my good and that she was afraid that if she said the truth I would have been worried. At this point I am strong. It's the only thing that works to make her telling some truth and to admit that she was lying. But then after two days or three I calm down and go back. 

I don't like the idea of us being seperated but in the same time I don't trust her anymore and I want to end this lying once and for ever.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

SteveBo said:


> I don't like the idea of us being seperated but in the same time I don't trust her anymore and I want to end this lying once and for all.


Your answer is to just do it. If you think this is the right answer, then you run to the lawyer/courthouse and file. Yes it is uncomfortable and there is emotional pulls to try to fix/reconcile. If you are done and exhausted all of the efforts, then you just start the process of ending it. When it becomes tough, stop focusing on the negative externalities and focus on what you have to do. Do, don't think.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I ask myself this question all the time, The only answer that i can believe is that im a puzzy. I really do think it is as simple as that.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

I'm seeing a lot of things about your relationship that might answer your question, so... take them one by one.

Are you afraid of being alone?
Afraid because of the potential negative effects on the kids?
Worried she won't be able to take care of herself, and it will be your "fault"?
Do you still love her, despite her lies?
Are you worried about the financial repercussions of divorce?

Consider each of these things, and find the source of your discomfort. Only then can you work out a solution. If she won't stop lying, your marriage will continue to be miserable. You deserve better.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

SteveBo said:


> I ask casually and I catch alot of lies. She is never comfortable when I ask questions. Normally she is anxious and panicked. She would avoid sitting down and speak calmly and she usually give her back and walk away to another room. She is in arguing mode right from beginning. No matter how I ask. She denies and fight to the last and its when I finally decide to pack and leave that she starts to turn calm and telling some truth. Then most of the time she says that she lied for my good and that she was afraid that if she said the truth I would have been worried. At this point I am strong. It's the only thing that works to make her telling some truth and to admit that she was lying. But then after two days or three I calm down and go back.
> 
> I don't like the idea of us being seperated but in the same time I don't trust her anymore and I want to end this lying once and for all.


Your whole first paragraph is a CLASSIC. A trickle truthed, gaslighted, lied to 'protect' YOU classic. You keep going back because it still hasn't yet sunk in that you CAN'T stop her lying at all, let alone once and for all. She will draw this sh1t out right until SHE GETS SICK OF YOU because she's finally broken you when she lies about who she's been messing around with.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think in a situation like this when it's obvious you married someone under false pretenses, you should be able to annul the marriage. I don't see the point of making someone continue being married to someone who was able to tell a big story and lure you in. Now the OP is faced with paying her, basically for the rest of her life, because she was able to tell a believable bull**** story.


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## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

rileyawes said:


> I'm seeing a lot of things about your relationship that might answer your question, so... take them one by one.
> 
> Are you afraid of being alone?
> Afraid because of the potential negative effects on the kids?
> ...


It looks like this is a better way to understand what is holding me back and I think that the fear of the negative effects on kids is my biggest concern. Do I still love her despite her lies? I don't like her being a liar but I think I still love her. 
Thanks for your message!


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## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

Thanks for all your replies!! They all make sense and all the interesting information reflects the great knowledge you all have on the subject.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

Hello OP-

I divorced my ex because of chronic lying and deceit.

Unless your wife admits to her compulsion and actively tries to seek help, I don't believe it will get any better...rather it most likely will get worse.

Seven years before I finally divorced my ex, we had our first frank talk....I went to counseling (he chose not to)....three years later...the next frank talk... he went to counseling (3 sessions)...but really the dynamic never changed (neither he nor I changed how we navigated this issue)...Finally a whopper of a story was told...I couldn't figure out how to rationalize it and make it "okay" as I was able to do with all of the other lies/deceptions. It took me 6 months to take action and meet with a lawyer. At that time, I told him that lying was no longer acceptable....He asked for 6 months to prove himself....Ironically at the six month mark...I discovered another lie...

We now share custody of our kids. At the time I probably wasn't healthy myself to make a better decision, but I have grown a lot since then and have been able to better navigate the stories. He still tells some "stretched truths" or outright stories to the kids, in which I try to rebutt without demonizing him...
I know there are things I wish I could've done differently, both as a spouse and a parent, but I just try to look forward and walk in integrity. 

I feel for you and what you are dealing with... the choices you have to make are difficult and are unique to you and your family.

May I suggest establishing a good support network...whether it is with family, within your faith, or even try Al-anon...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SteveBo said:


> I ask casually and I catch alot of lies. She is never comfortable when I ask questions. Normally she is anxious and panicked. She would avoid sitting down and speak calmly and she usually give her back and walk away to another room. She is in arguing mode right from beginning. No matter how I ask. She denies and fight to the last and its when I finally decide to pack and leave that she starts to turn calm and telling some truth. Then most of the time she says that she lied for my good and that she was afraid that if she said the truth I would have been worried. At this point I am strong. It's the only thing that works to make her telling some truth and to admit that she was lying. But then after two days or three I calm down and go back.
> 
> I don't like the idea of us being seperated but in the same time I don't trust her anymore and I want to end this lying once and for all.


 A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. (swiped from the net)


Why are you staying with this individual?


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

Run Forrest run. You will be able to have sex and get attention from other women. Trust me .. Run


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

SteveBo said:


> Why can't I just leave my wife?


Because you don't want to leave her.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

The sex must be awesome if you won't leave?

If it's not, then you are shorting yourself on living a great and fulfilling life. Trust me, been there and done that. Having a blast now that I'm no longer with someone that sucked out my will to live.


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## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

sdrawkcab said:


> Hello OP-
> 
> I divorced my ex because of chronic lying and deceit.
> 
> ...


Hello,

Thanks for your message. It looks like you had some hard time too. 

We went to couple counseling sessions and I had my individual sessions with my psychologist which I took very seriously that lasted almost a year and was of great help for me. Then our counseling sessions together were a nightmare. Every session ended up in arguments and fights. 

I dont live in the US but we have organizations here similar to Al-anon which I was considering. I have family and friends who I trust and talk but you get alot of advices like run away or just leave and go find another woman which are only easy to say, but for someone who is dealing with the problem it is the hardest part I can say especially when there are kids in the relationship.


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## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. (swiped from the net)
> 
> 
> Why are you staying with this individual?


I agree with your definition of a compulsive liar but I have no answer for your question. If I had the answer I wouldn't be here on this forum


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## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

Ol'Pal said:


> I ask myself this question all the time, The only answer that i can believe is that im a puzzy. I really do think it is as simple as that.


It is not!


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

First, compulsive lying is a personality disorder and a product of lifetime conditioning. It is not something a person can stop doing because they don't know how to live any other way. Talking to them about it will be fruitless because they will need to accept that their entire life was not as they remember it. I suspect your wife grew up having to lie to avoid discomfort. The lies became her reality and forcing her to see things differently is a denial of her version of reality.

Next we need to address why this is an acceptable relationship to you. A marriage vow is meaningless if your wife is prone to deception and you cannot take her words at face value. Why do you still consider this a valid marriage? There is clearly a deficiency in your definition of acceptable relationships.


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## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> First, compulsive lying is a personality disorder and a product of lifetime conditioning. It is not something a person can stop doing because they don't know how to live any other way. Talking to them about it will be fruitless because they will need to accept that their entire life was not as they remember it. I suspect your wife grew up having to lie to avoid discomfort. The lies became her reality and forcing her to see things differently is a denial of her version of reality.
> 
> Next we need to address why this is an acceptable relationship to you. A marriage vow is meaningless if your wife is prone to deception and you cannot take her words at face value. Why do you still consider this a valid marriage? There is clearly a deficiency in your definition of acceptable relationships.


There is a lying habit in her family too. I don't know if this makes any sense but they have businesses and I see some big business related lies. So it could be possible that growing up she had to learn to lie. 

The last paragraph is interesting. Does the fact that I am still with her means that I accept her lies? I rock the boat whenever I am suspicious of any lie and I am sure it is never easy on her. I want to leave because I think it is the best for me to end all this but something keeps me there and when I try to ask myself the only reason keeping me from just do it, is our son. 

But if staying in this relationship means that I accept things that I shouldn't I will have to dig deep and think about my childhood and how growing up I learned to accept such things. Thats one good point thanks!


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

SteveBo-

What helped me to see outside of myself was to put my daughter in my position (imagine her married to someone like my ex)...

When I really analyzed the pros and cons from an outsiders perspective, I was able to come out of the fog of what I had hoped my marriage was versus the reality of what it was and how it was very detrimental to my kids. 

In my case, the marriage ended (there were musings og change... but nothing ever materialized)... 

I am thankful I have been able to at least change what I can and give my kids the opportunity to witness integrity in action (at least from one parent)...


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## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

sdrawkcab said:


> SteveBo-
> 
> What helped me to see outside of myself was to put my daughter in my position (imagine her married to someone like my ex)...
> 
> ...



When did you realize that you have to end the marriage and how did you do it? What was his reaction?


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

For my turning point, it started after he fabricated a health scare (It still took me two years to divorce after that because I wasn't ready to throw it away). I finally started to look at my marriage from the outside and ask myself "Would I want a man to treat my daughter the way my husband treated me?" 
When I was finally ready, it really came as no surprise..he didn't fight for the marriage. He complained about the ramifications of divorce (Assets, moving) etc... 

After we divorced he'd email about being changed (finding God, seeing a therapist, etc)...only to find out none of that was real...the lies still continue...He still uses subversive tactics sometimes when we do not agree with parenting issues. The difference is that I've become strong enough to call him on or take action when I need to advocate for the kids. 

It's gonna hurt SteveBo....but, for me, it was the best decision.


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## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

Thanks for your post. 

With my previous relationship I remember it was hard but it was different. She had another man and she ended it. I was worried about the impact on our kids but I was happy. She was very abusive. Then the worst was when she used our kids to hurt me. She refused to let me see them whenever she wanted something and I wasn't able to give. 

Maybe I am afraid of all this.


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