# Trying to find the strength to move on



## Niffer (Feb 26, 2017)

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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am sorry you are here. As you said in the other post, focus on this moment (read my tag line).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It could be that he's not a good match for you because he has so much baggage and you don't. You don't mention how old you are but if you're young and he's older you might be better off finding someone with less baggage.

I'm 19 years younger than my hb and we've been together almost 12 years. In my view what gets a lot of age differences isn't the age as much as the baggage difference. Well that and the resulting parent child dynamic that can happen if you're not careful, but I digress.

Someone without much baggage may not be emotionally able to deal with one who has baggage.

He has baggage and you don't.


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## Niffer (Feb 26, 2017)

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

He says he doesn't like drama in his life but he appears to be not only allowing it but in fact creating it. 

He should have clear boundaries with his exes and his son. That would prevent the drama. 

You have normal reactions to his "drama" but he is clearly saying that if you don't like his loose boundaries and his inability to cope with conflicts, then get out. 

There is a reason he was married and divorced twice. 

Imo you would just be #3. 

To be clear, this is on HIM, not you. He manipulated you into thinking this is your fault. It's all part of his drama. 

He never was a good match for you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If you can't deal with his drama he's a poor match. 

And how much you have to go through to even deal with his kid coming over suggests you either aren't able to deal with it or he isn't willing to do what you need him to do. 

The ex baggage is an extra issue. He claims he doesn't like it but the fact is that while he complains he goes along with her. "To keep the peace" means poor boundaries, and this would be your life with him.

Frankly he's going to have trouble getting a lot of women to go along with these crappy boundaries to keep the peace.

I totally get what it's like to deal with poor ex boundaries.....my hb had terrible ones. We dealt with it mainly because his daughter was grown. If she was younger I'm not sure we'd still be together, because my hb is also the type to want to " keep the peace".

You'd be better off letting him be someone else's problem. I know it hurts but it'll pass, just make sure you go no contact on him.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I don't see why being un happy with the way things have turned out makes you a horrible person, in my eyes that just isn't the case. The man you have brought into your life has turned things upside down for you, after being single and independent for the last twenty years suddenly your life isn't your own anymore. Don't even think of trying to make yourself change for his sake, you would just be miserable and resentful.

If his life choices are making you unhappy then you are not a good couple, it is honestly that simple. He seems to bring a lot of drama into your life, no one wants that, no need for you to feel guilty about it, you had no part in ruining his life, and there's certainly no sense in letting him ruin yours.


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## Niffer (Feb 26, 2017)

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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

deleted.


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## Niffer (Feb 26, 2017)

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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Thanks for your kind words niffer, they are working out. But it's not only taken a lot of work, I suspect hb was more ready to do this. My feeling is that he may have had issues in relationships before me due to this and was ready to admit and deal with it with me. I eventually threw a fit about boundaries and he didn't want to fight with or lose me, and his daughter was older so there was no more reason he had to deal with his ex regularly.

I'm happy he did because I love him.

He did admit that he hadn't done a good job seperately himself from the ex and her family, he just claimed to be a nice guy. But he also unknowing set me up to be the bad guy as I'm sure I'm talked about for insisting on boundaries he should've had in the first place.

But are you a nice guy when you hurt your current partner with unwillingness to have good boundaries because you don't want to argue? I say no, you're really just taking the path of least resistance, and that's cowardly.

He can deal with his ex however he wants but you can and should decide what you'll live with. 

Why is having your own boundaries selfish? Why does he get to decide how things that also affect you are handled? That makes HIM selfish.

Fortunately my hb ultimately decided that my happiness was worth more than the status quo and him being a "nice guy".

Yours isn't ready to do that. 

My position has always been that things that don't affect me aren't my business but things that do are very much my business.


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## Niffer (Feb 26, 2017)

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Niffer said:


> If I love him wouldn’t I just let him be who he is and do things the way he needs to do them?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



The answer to your question is No. Loving someone doesn't mean you give up your life for them, surrendering your wants and needs. In marriage you are partners. Equals. 

Couldn't the same be said of him? If he loved you he should fix his drama. 

He is the way he is. He won't change his core personality. He is not bad. He's just himself. 

If you married he and you might struggle for money as a couple while he overpays his ex. Over paying her cheats not only him but YOU too if you are married. 

Trust his mother. She has known him longer than you. 

Yes, it sucks. You do love him and it hurts you two are not compatible. But NEVER make the mistake of thinking the breakup is your fault.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Glad I can help!

One more thing: mine was older than yours when we met.....50. And his daughter was 16.

I still put up with it for longer than I should have.....that's on me. 

I think if we'd met a few years sooner not only would I have been in my 20's, which would have been enough for things to not work out, but his daughter would've been younger and he probably wouldn't have been ready to deal with the boundaries.

So yours may get there, but I don't recommend wasting your time waiting around to find out. Not only is it going to make you miserable it may not happen.

He's not a good prospect for anyone right now. 

FYI, we're about the same age....I'm 42. I recommend you find a guy a that has older kids and good boundaries.

How old is his kid? I have the impression he's young.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> The answer to your question is No. Loving someone doesn't mean you give up your life for them, surrendering your wants and needs. In marriage you are partners. Equals.
> 
> Couldn't the same be said of him? If he loved you he should fix his drama.
> 
> ...



Good points about the overpaying. IMO mine paid too much for his daughter's wants (not needs, wants) and paid child support to his ex until his daughter was 19 (while contributing to her college) because the ex based her lifestyle on the child support and his boundaries were too poor to realize that wasn't his problem. 

I didn't get involved because we weren't living together at that point, were not that serious. and he didn't hit me up because he was paying her and paying for his daughter's wants. 

If we'd been further along in our relationship, living together, or he was hitting me up to contribute more I wouldn't have tolerated that. 

Eventually he did stop and, gasp, the ex figured something out.


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## Niffer (Feb 26, 2017)

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## Niffer (Feb 26, 2017)

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