# She said "I'm not in the mood for that"



## FromNeptune (Apr 22, 2008)

I have posted before that my wife and I simply do not have a healthy intimate relationship and I will accept 99.99% of the blame. 

Last evening I just had a strong desire to be physically close to my wife and while she was sitting at her computer, I massaged her neck and shoulders, kissed her neck, and gently touched the side of one of her breasts (she was not wearing a bra-close to bedtime). I did not anticipate or plan on making much progress but just wanted to touch her and be close for a few moments. I have a problem with getting and keeping an erection so she was not going to experience any intercourse and neither would I. Then she told me "I'm not in the mood for that."

So what am I supposed to do now? Wait until she tells me verbally, 'ok, I'm in the mood now, come on?' Of course, this is not going to happen. I could approach her again later but I run the risk of being turned away again. Or I can just accept she does not want this intimacy period and take her message as 'leave me alone-period.'

Puzzled. I know she enjoys sex-no question. Just not with me anymore.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

You have to make it known that her actions are unacceptable. She has no fear of consequences of performing her womanly duties as the Bible mentions. If this is just a once in a while manuever then approach target next time. If this is continual and this situation happens frequently you have to make it clear, if she doesn't want to have sex, then you can find another woman that will. Now I'm not saying to go out and find another woman, but you have to make it clear that getting turned down for sex repeatedly won't happen in this marriage.

You have to be quite stern with your wife. I don't know if you are a nice or passive guy, but they say you can't nice your way out of an affair, and the same is true for engaging in sexual pleasure with females. You can't nice guy your way into sex. Women respond to strength, fortitude and passion. If you let her know in the strongest of terms where the fear of God is beset upon her, she'll get wetter than Patrick Ewing's Jersey. So remember don't ask or beg you simply tell and if she doesn't want to oblige then you set up consequences for these actions. You can't be scared to leave over this. If she doesn't want to have sex with you then your marriage might be over, but you can't simply keep going down the same path and expect the same results.

If you're paying all the bills then you need to make it uncomfortable. This might sound harsh but it works. Women respond to Rambo not the nutty professor.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

FromNeptune said:


> I simply do not have a healthy intimate relationship and I will accept 99.99% of the blame.


Why are you to blame?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How would we know? You have to ask her.

Not meaning to be rude...it is just a fact. We don't know what she is thinking.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What does your wife say you should do now?

I'm as guilty as the next person for not saying what I mean, but when my husband wants clarification I give it to him. What your wife did needs an explanation.

And what do you mean she likes sex, just not with you??


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

FromNeptune said:


> I have posted before that my wife and I simply do not have a healthy intimate relationship and I will accept 99.99% of the blame.
> 
> Last evening I just had a strong desire to be physically close to my wife and while she was sitting at her computer, I massaged her neck and shoulders, kissed her neck, and gently touched the side of one of her breasts (she was not wearing a bra-close to bedtime). I did not anticipate or plan on making much progress but just wanted to touch her and be close for a few moments. I have a problem with getting and keeping an erection so she was not going to experience any intercourse and neither would I. Then she told me "I'm not in the mood for that."
> 
> ...


Sorry dude - too wimpy.

Talk to her! Get it all out & you will both feel better!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> How would we know? You have to ask her.
> 
> Not meaning to be rude...it is just a fact. We don't know what she is thinking.


We give advice to people ALL of the time on TAM without knowing full stories...why this kind of response to the OP?

Neptune, what exactly do you mean when you say "I know she enjoys sex-no question. Just not with me anymore"? Are you saying you have an open marriage?


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

OP are you saying you are no longer physically able to have sex at all or just that you have ED issues part of the time?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> I'm as guilty as the next person for not saying what I mean, but when my husband wants clarification I give it to him.


You are a rarity among women. Bless you.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

SomedayDig said:


> We give advice to people ALL of the time on TAM without knowing full stories...why this kind of response to the OP?


Well you know, he's another man trying establish contro... uhh I mean be intimate with his wife.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Couple of things for the OP:

Do you have "We" time setup?
Was she working on the computer or just browsing?



Anyway when I'm trying to connect with my wife and she's on the IPAD I simply close it down. Before moving on to massages and the like I just "be" with her. Lay close and breath each other in. I feel it relaxes us and sets the stage for further intimacy if that's in the plans. I think you got to figure out how to set the table for your wife and yourself before you eat.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What have you done to address the ED issue? Did the ED issue start before or after the decline of sex? 

If your wife knows that no sex will be (or can be forthcoming) perhaps being fondled doesn't do it for her. After you touched her breasts - what was the goal after that? 

Also - PS, impotency is has also been long interpreted as a valid reason for Biblical divorce, so before we go off on that "womanly duties" and "put the fear of God into her" tangent. So - he has as much responsibility to fix that end of the equation as she has to fix this one.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

FromNeptune said:


> I have posted before that my wife and I simply do not have a healthy intimate relationship and I will accept 99.99% of the blame.
> 
> Last evening I just had a strong desire to be physically close to my wife and while she was sitting at her computer, I massaged her neck and shoulders, kissed her neck, and gently touched the side of one of her breasts (she was not wearing a bra-close to bedtime). I did not anticipate or plan on making much progress but just wanted to touch her and be close for a few moments. I have a problem with getting and keeping an erection so she was not going to experience any intercourse and neither would I. *Then she told me "I'm not in the mood for that."*
> 
> ...


As others have said, communication is key here.

Perhaps she *meant* to say "I'm not in the mood *right now*", meaning that at some point later, she would be responsive. Perhaps she was deeply engrossed in some sort of research on the computer and needed to focus on that for the moment. Or perhaps not. Either way, you and and your W need to communicate what she actually meant, right? Surely, she didn't mean "forever" did she?

And if, as you suggested, that intercourse was not going to happen (for whatever reason) perhaps she was not in the mood to get aroused and then frustrated. Again. Communication is key here. Both of you need to understand each others point of view.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Geez, unbelievable the comments telling him she needs consequences for not performing her "wifely duties". OP said he has trouble getting and maintaining an erection, he just wanted to fondle her. So she knows there won't be any sex. How would the responses be different if the roles were reversed and she had trouble with sex but wanted to fondle him, and he turned it down because he knew there wouldn't be any sex and was frustrated? He'd be told that she wasn't handling his needs and he shouldn't put up with that. The great double standard strikes again. OP, what have you done to address your ED issue?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> Why are you to blame?


Exactly....why


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

tulsy said:


> Exactly....why


I assumed he meant that because he has trouble getting and maintaining an erection they typically don't have sex. OP, is that incorrect?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> As others have said, communication is key here.
> 
> Perhaps she *meant* to say "I'm not in the mood *right now*", meaning that at some point later, she would be responsive. Perhaps she was deeply engrossed in some sort of research on the computer and needed to focus on that for the moment. Or perhaps not. Either way, you and and your W need to communicate what she actually meant, right? Surely, she didn't mean "forever" did she?
> 
> And if, as you suggested, that intercourse was not going to happen (for whatever reason) perhaps she was not in the mood to get aroused and then frustrated. Again. Communication is key here. Both of you need to understand each others point of view.


:iagree: That's what I was thinking. Or even if ED is an issue, why NOT get her in the mood and have toys in the bedroom? But I would admit, intimate touch followed by... nothing... after a while would be very frustrating.

But the only way to know is to talk to her.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

First since the OP hasn't responded I'm going with simple straightforward talk.

Maybe your wife is shying away from physical intimacy because it cannot or will not culminate with intercourse.

Women experience sexual frustration as much as men.

Have you sought medical advice for your ED?


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Geez, unbelievable the comments telling him she needs consequences for not performing her "wifely duties". OP said he has trouble getting and maintaining an erection, he just wanted to fondle her. So she knows there won't be any sex. How would the responses be different if the roles were reversed and she had trouble with sex but wanted to fondle him, and he turned it down because he knew there wouldn't be any sex and was frustrated? He'd be told that she wasn't handling his needs and he shouldn't put up with that. The great double standard strikes again. OP, what have you done to address your ED issue?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

If my husband couldn't have sex with me (intercourse...which is how *I* orgasm best), I would have a real hard time with foreplay that lead to nothing.

In fact, I'd rather not do it at all. Too frustrating.

Is there anything medical that can be done about your impotency, OP? Don't blame yourself. You're not a bad guy because you're having a physical problem. But it is a major problem. And you've got to do everything in your power to fix it. 

If it can't be fixed, can you use toys on her? Give her oral? There has to be more than kissing and touching and then just stopping. That'll drive a woman who loves sex absolutely crazy.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

ravioli said:


> You have to make it known that her actions are unacceptable. She has no fear of consequences of performing her womanly duties as the Bible mentions. If this is just a once in a while manuever then approach target next time. If this is continual and this situation happens frequently you have to make it clear, if she doesn't want to have sex, then you can find another woman that will. Now I'm not saying to go out and find another woman, but you have to make it clear that getting turned down for sex repeatedly won't happen in this marriage.
> 
> You have to be quite stern with your wife. I don't know if you are a nice or passive guy, but they say you can't nice your way out of an affair, and the same is true for engaging in sexual pleasure with females. You can't nice guy your way into sex. Women respond to strength, fortitude and passion. If you let her know in the strongest of terms where the fear of God is beset upon her, she'll get wetter than Patrick Ewing's Jersey. So remember don't ask or beg you simply tell and if she doesn't want to oblige then you set up consequences for these actions. You can't be scared to leave over this. If she doesn't want to have sex with you then your marriage might be over, but you can't simply keep going down the same path and expect the same results.
> 
> If you're paying all the bills then you need to make it uncomfortable. This might sound harsh but it works. Women respond to Rambo not the nutty professor.


And just what is the point of her getting so wet? What is the point of getting her to want sex? They can't have sex! Did you read the OP at all?

The OP is impotent. Catch up.

And we don't even know that the OP is a Christian...and we certainly don't know if the OP is a Christian from a hellfire and brimstone church in the backwoods of MS in the 1950s (where your advice seems to come from)...so your Biblical marriage stuff may be moot.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You can't get or keep an erection. She likes sex. She knows that if she lets you get her worked up, that she'll be disappointed, so she doesn't let you get her worked up. Sounds pretty simple to me. Figure out a way to not let the night end in disappointment and try again.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

SouthernMiss said:


> ...*and we certainly don't know if the OP is a Christian from a hellfire and brimstone church in the backwoods of MS in the 1950s (where your advice seems to come from)*....


:rofl:

LMAO


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

SouthernMiss said:


> If it can't be fixed, can you use toys on her? Give her oral? There has to be more than kissing and touching and then just stopping. That'll drive a woman who loves sex absolutely crazy.


Very valid but she told him she's not in the mood once he touched side boob. I don't think she was interested in anything at the time


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, what steps have you taken to address the ED problem? At the very least I hope you have spoken with your doctor, because these issues are very often solveable these days...

Communication is vital when dealing with ED, and it's very possible that your W is also developing some issues of her own because of it... Talk to her and, if necessary, consult with a MC.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP... it could be ED. 

During my ordeal and long lapses between times sex became stressful.... face it none of us want sex with an unwilling partner so inevitably ED would creep in and that was part of the snowball effect.

I would clarify with the wife and ask her directly what resentment or concerns does she have that prevents her from wanting sex with you.

Then listen.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

SouthernMiss said:


> And just what is the point of her getting so wet? What is the point of getting her to want sex? They can't have sex! Did you read the OP at all?
> 
> The OP is impotent. Catch up.
> 
> And we don't even know that the OP is a Christian...and we certainly don't know if the OP is a Christian from a hellfire and brimstone church in the backwoods of MS in the 1950s (where your advice seems to come from)...so your Biblical marriage stuff may be moot.


Doesn't the OP have hands, a mouth, and fingers? He's only impotent in his sexual organ. Sexual intercourse isn't the only way to have sexual pleasure. This is not 1950's where the man just pumps and dumps in missionary style position. It's 2013. Catch up.

He was feeling in the mood. It's his wife. He wants to have sex. Why shouldn't he try to get her wet? Why should he stop trying just because he can't keep an erection? If at first you don't succeed try again. And as long as he is married he should be trying to have sex till the cows come home.

Doesn't matter if he's a christian or not or where he attends church, or if he even attends it. The fact of the matter is there's a reasonable duty between both spouses to have sex. If she doesn't want it, then he needs to make a choice.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

Kobo said:


> Very valid but she told him she's not in the mood once he touched side boob. I don't think she was interested in anything at the time


True, and that's probably when it felt more like foreplay than just touch. And OP says she knows she will not be getting any intercourse that night. That's the point I, personally, would feel the loss and frustration.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

ravioli said:


> Doesn't the OP have hands, a mouth, and fingers? He's only impotent in his sexual organ. Sexual intercourse isn't the only way to have sexual pleasure. This is not 1950's where the man just pumps and dumps in missionary style position. It's 2013. Catch up.


Of course he has other ways he could please her. But you didn't say that. You said "have sex." If you'll note my response to the OP, I specifically suggested oral sex and toys as replacements. 

However, be that as it may, for many women...we want intercourse. Not "pump and dump" as you so poetically put it...but yes, intercourse. And that's a loss she's experienced, as he has as well. It's problematic. 

You work with you have, but I know I'd become despondent if I could not longer ever have my husband's penis inside of me. 

By the way, get your own catchy phrases. Yours doesn't make sense. Nothing I said I endorsed "pump and dump" or any sort of 1950s thinking. Lame.



ravioli said:


> He was feeling in the mood. It's his wife. He wants to have sex. Why shouldn't he try to get her wet? Why should he stop trying just because he can't keep an erection? If at first you don't succeed try again. And as long as he is married he should be trying to have sex till the cows come home.


Dude, you really didn't read the same post I did. He didn't say he was in the mood for sex! He said he wanted to touch his spouse. And he knew intercourse was not in the cards. 




ravioli said:


> Doesn't matter if he's a christian or not or where he attends church, or if he even attends it. The fact of the matter is there's a reasonable duty between both spouses to have sex. If she doesn't want it, then he needs to make a choice.


Of course, there's a reasonable duty between husband and wife when it comes to sex. Currently he CANNOT perform his. But it's her fault if she has some emotions or frustrations regarding that? What about HER marital expectation to have sex? She doesn't get it right now. That's not OP's fault if he has a physical condition stopping him. But that also doesn't take away the damage to her, him and the marriage as a whole. You act like she's withdrawing from her husband sexually for NO reason. Maybe she's hurting. Maybe the frustration of the ED has dampened her sexual desire.

Can you imagine if your wife couldn't have sex with you vaginally? Ever? But she still wanted to touch you. Rub you. Intimately. But no intercourse. Don't you think...even if y'all found other ways to pleasure each other besides PIV sex...you'd mourn never being inside her V again? 

Stop being so cold. NOT everything is about a man's right to sex with his wife. This isn't so simple as that. 

By the way, I'm very high drive and my ex-husband was low drive. I know what it's like to have a cold-fish spouse. I do understand what you're saying. However, this isn't just about a woman turning away her husband for no good reason. Her "I'm not in the mood" is founded in something real.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

SouthernMiss said:


> Of course he has other ways he could please her. But you didn't say that. You said "have sex." If you'll note my response to the OP, I specifically suggested oral sex and toys as replacements.
> 
> However, be that as it may, for many women...we want intercourse. Not "pump and dump" as you so poetically put it...but yes, intercourse. And that's a loss she's experienced, as he has as well. It's problematic.
> 
> ...


Of course he was in the mood. He wasn't just simply touching her. He was kissing her, giving her a massage, touching her breast. If his penis was able to function at that time and stand to attention for a longer rate, I'm willing to bet he would have wanted to have sex.

Like you said you work with what you have. He has a tongue and hands. If he can't get it up, then he should work with what the rest of God gave him. Sex just doesn't stop with intercourse.

I couldn't care less about catch phrases that's juvenile to me.

If she is not willing to work with him or help with ED problems then He needs to make a decision. She's not even in the mood for kissing or physical affection. Not even basic foreplay in which women love. He can't perform intercourse but he can still give his wife sexual pleasure. His problem with her is that she doesn't even want to be intimate with him. Seems like he feels more damaged than she does to not even want physical contact. His wife has not been loving towards him in his mind and unless he does something about his erection problems it will get worse because he'll become more nervous and have more problems to perform for his unloving wife.

I'm not being cold. His wife is the cold one. She's not caring, warm, or understanding. This situation tells him all he needs to know who her character is when difficult times arises.


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