# Discovered my brother has been in an abusive relationship for over 25 years



## LastManStanding77 (11 mo ago)

For years I hated my brother. Ever since he met his wife, he removed himself from the family. Hardly talked to any of us, considering how close we once were. I couldn't forgive him after our father died and ten years after the fact, he calls me out of the blue crying. Asking for help and he let it all out and I'm ashamed that I never saw the signs. 

My brother met his wife when they were eighteen and tI could say it was instant fireworks. My family accepted her with open arms, my brother is the baby of the family out of eight siblings and a troublemaker. Yet he was always there for us when we needed him. The family was everything to him despite him constantly being in and out of troule. When he met his now-wife, he cleaned up his act. They dated for two years and during that time, she was an angel, even after they got married she was still nice and sweet. My brother was the happiest I saw him and when he found out he was going to be a father we all were happy for him. My brother said she changed when she gave birth. She refused to allow him to take his daughter outside to walk, refused to allow him to take her to see the family even though he lived in the apartment building across the street. Even refused to allow our parents to visit them, telling them that they have to call first. I remembered this and I used to argue a lot with him, but he always told me to mind my business.

Apparently my brother argued a lot with his wife and was willing to divorce her. He even went to our father for advice our father gave him what I believed was the worst advice any father should give a son. He told him to make it work with her. Told him that he needed to make sacrifices to make her happy. To do everything possible to keep his family together. I think my father gave him that crappy advice because he was married three times and didn't want his kids to follow in his mistakes. Granted some of us were angry with him when we were young, but eventually, we learned the truth and none of us blamed our father for his failed marriages. His first wife left him because he wasn't making enough money and couldn't "deal" with his PTSD from Nam, he left his second wife when he found out she was abusing his kids, but the courts wouldn't let him have custody, and then he got with our mother who was a paranoid schizophrenic and again, the courts somehow saw her as a better parent than our father... Spoiler, she wasn't. Yet to project his failed marriages and poor relationship with his kids when they were young to our brother was selfish and irresponsible.

My brother told me as the years went by they had more kids and the more isolated my brother became. He wasn't allowed to hang out with us or his friends. Wasn't allowed to visit our parents or take his kids for a walk alone. Wasn't allowed to take them to see the family. The kids were constantly in that apartment, while my brother worked 60 to 70 hours a week to support them because she refused to work. He said when he had enough and took the kids to see the family or just take them to the park, she would argue with him, threatened to call the cops on him for abuse and he'll obey. Then out of the blue, they moved to Buffalo, my brother said it was so his kids could have a better education, which I could see. We lived in a pretty crappy neighborhood and where he was going was a major step up. However, it made things worse.

My brother wasn't allowed to have friends, still wasn't allowed to take his kids out. Still wasn't allowed to do anything. When he came to visit us we were expecting him to bring the kids, but he would smile and apologize for not bringing them, tell us that they had classes or girl scouts. However, he told me that his wife waited for the last minute and either picked an argument and told him he can't take the kids or played deaf, dumb, and stupid and argued that he never told her about his trip. Either the case, the kids never came. My parents as old as they were would drive the eight hours to see him instead, but would only stay a few hours because his wife made them feel unwelcomed. A couple of years went by and he had two more kids in the end he had four girls and one boy. We all drove for the birth of his son, it was special for all of us. He had the only boy in the family, he had a legacy and my father was ecstatic that the name wasn't going to die. Yet, his wife was on her high horse, trying to limit who sees the boy and that caused a nasty argument between her and my brother. I rudely said out loud that I was surprised he grew a spine, but apparently, he always had one, he just gave up on the fights when she threatened to call the cops to say that he was abusive.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing as he continued. He then told me about his wife's cousin who he was close. He passed away suddenly and his wife's cousin baby mama asked him to be the Godfather of their child and he happily accepted, but his wife was furious that the woman didn't ask her for permission first. On top of that, she threatened to divorce him and "raised the kids to hate him" if he went through with it. So he had to decline and it hurt him. He began telling me about the verbal and mental abuse. The neglect of affections. He tried to initiate sex, but she would always fight him off, he would touch her and she would slap his hands, give him a disgusted look, or rather watch television than makeout, he even told me that she rather watch a commercial than trying anything. She never initiate, never show any affection towards him. Complained that she doesn't give oral, said she has to be in the mood, but she never was in the mood, but expected him to give her oral. or she would just lay there, or bend over when they have sex. She doesn't like to go out, doesn't want to go dancing, doesn't want to do anything. I asked him why he was still with her and he told me he can't afford to leave her. Child support for five kids and alimony would destroy him.

He even tried to start a writing career and was even published, we were all proud of him, he has been writing stories ever since he was eight but apparently she was upset. She didn't like that he was "talking to other women." but he told her that he was promoting his book and his agent set up the interviews, but in the end, she told him he had to stop writing or she'll leave him. I was shocked to learn that she did that, she was always so supportive, but she told him, she only supported him because she thought it wasn't going to lead to anything. I remembered when he stopped, we were all surprised. This was his dream and he just let it go when it was leading somewhere. He said he tried countless times to get help. Went to see several therapists over his depression due to the abuse, but the therapist made him look like the bad guy and he stopped seeing them. One time he said it got really bad, and since he had no one in Buffalo he contacted a domestic abuse shelter and told them his situation, but they told him that there was nothing they can do for him because their shelters are for women only. He went to the local Sheriff's station and he was openly mocked and laughed at. He said he was trapped and even thought about suicide, but instead, he just moved on.

When our father was on his death bed. All he wanted was to see the kids and my brother showed up alone. We all saw the sadness in our father's eyes, but my brother was devastated. I was, of course, upset and furious even more so when he abruptly left shortly after arriving. My brother told me that his wife called the cops when he had the kids in the car, he was deadset on taking them to see our father, but she told them that he was kidnapping them. He said he explained to the state police that he was taking the kids to see his dying father, but they didn't care. They told him to take the kids out of the car or else he'll be arrested and to add insult to injury, she called my brother a few hours after he was at the hospital, demanding him to come home or else there "will be hell to pay" and my brother obeyed. Our father died while he was driving those 8 hours back. My brother never had the opportunity to properly tell our father goodbye.

Now is the latest event. The one that led him to call me in a fit of emotional rage. for our mother's birthday, he was going to send her a digital frame since she doesn't have any pictures of the kids. None of us do. He had a memory card with over two hundred pictures of all the kids spanning through the years. His wife wanted to send our mother only 30 pictures that she had to approve first. My brother refuse and sent the frame with the two hundred pictures and for the past week, she had been cold, threatening him, and trying to guilt him so he could ask our mother for the frame back. He told me that his daughters treat him the same as his wife. Yet he and his son are close. I told him to leave her, but he's scared. He said he can't afford to pay child support and alimony. Plus he has nowhere to go. After living in Buffalo for over 10 years, he still has no friends. I'm generally am ashamed that I never saw the signs. I just thought he was being a jerk and I want to help him, but he's scared to leave her. Scared that she will not allow him to see his son. Scared that she would lie to the courts and it will be worse for him. What can I do to help him? My wife told me that he's between a rock and a hard place, but there has to be something I can do. He's my baby brother.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

This post has been very difficult and painful for me to read.

He's in a trauma bond with her.
Obviously a very toxic situation.
He needs to have a pair of balls but that's a topic for later on when he gets free of this.
He's definitely being abused. And feels trapped.
Your support and encouragement is going to be so helpful. Unconditional love.

I don't know what to answer is. He won't be able to see clearly until he gets away from the situation for a little while. 

If he could somehow be removed from the situation for a week or more... Whether it's a trip to Colorado or vacation or Mexico or a men's retreat....anything. heck even a car accident or rehab....for him to break free to see what's going on.

Lots of prayers.

Down the road he needs to read that book No More Mr Nice Guy.
And read Dadstartingover


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## LastManStanding77 (11 mo ago)

Camper292000 said:


> He needs to read that book No More Mr Nice Guy.
> And read Dadstartingover


I'm going to order, my brother, these books for his Kindle. As for growing a pair. He does in a way, but I never knew just how much she had control over his mind. He's a big guy too. 5'11 240lbs of fat and muscle. A gentle giant, I just can't believe that he was laughed at by the local authorities, and with every domestic abuse outreach, he went to tell him that there's nothing they can do for him because he's a man just makes it worse. I tried calling around and I was told to tell my brother to either go to a homeless shelter or commit himself in a psych ward. I cannot believe with all of the shelters we have for women and children, there's none for men.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why can't he come stay with you for awhile?


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## LastManStanding77 (11 mo ago)

I suggested it, but he's afraid that his wife would go through with the threats. He has it in his head that all she has to do is say she was being abused and no one would believe him. I told him to take the leap, but I could hear the fear in his voice.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think he needs to see an attorney and tell the atty everything.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Control over his mind? What is she a witch dancing in the woods casting spells on him? 

Your brother has nobody to blame but himself. He's failed his children, himself, you, his entire family, and especially his wife for allowing her to behave like that and get away with it. 

Drop the whole idea that he's some kind of victim and hold him to account. If he gets off on being humiliated and bossed around then he needs to hire a dominatrix. And after she's done stomping on his balls in high heels he needs to go home and get his wife in line. Either that or get a divorce and never date again, if that's how he's going to behave.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I think your brother should talk to a lawyer and start documenting what's going on. I'm not sure if he can use a voice activated recorder, but he should start recording his conversations with his wife to have proof of her abuse. He needs to have proof if he decides to separate or divorce. If she starts lying, he can show the recordings as proof of her abuse. 

I'm don't know what else he could do. He needs to talk to a lawyer ASAP.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Two things stand out: your brother was allowed to work (she stayed home) and your brother moved away from the family. Note: your brother moved far away, and this was his choice. 

And then your brother started talking to women. He also wrote a book! Oh, and the kids aren’t allowed out much.

Tell me how he is the one being controlled? When the wife and kids are home all the time, and he is seemingly making major decisions. And very worried about abuse allegations.

None of this speaks of a controlled man, and I suspect your brother got in first to tell one story because another story is going to come out. And that other story is probably true.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that your brother was turned away from a domestic violence shelter because it is a woman's shelter. Many shelters are for only women or only men because it's very expensive to have separate facilities. Also keep in mind that most domestic violence shelters don't take in a person who does not have children with them. Why? Because more help is needed to protect children. I know women who were physically beaten by their husband/partner who were turned away for that reason. 

Also, if he calls the national domestic violence hotline, they will help him find a local shelter that help men. He'll have to find out if they will take men who don't have children in tow.

Also, it does not sound like your brother is physically abused, instead it sounds like it's emotional abuse. I don't think a domestic violence shelter makes sense in his situation. 

If he saw counselors how did not help him, he should look for one that helps male victims of abuse. They are out there. There are most likely organizations that are specifically for men. Here we have a place called "Fathers and Family". They do wonderful work.

Your brother needs to get an attorney who can help him plan what to do next. If his wife is truly as emotionally abusive as he says, he should get a voice activated recorder that he can keep in a pocket or otherwise disguised. This way if she goes off on a tirade, he will get proof of what he says is going on.

Your brother goes to work. Doesn't he have anyone at work that he considers a friend?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

LastManStanding77 said:


> I'm going to order, my brother, these books for his Kindle. As for growing a pair. He does in a way, but I never knew just how much she had control over his mind. He's a big guy too. 5'11 240lbs of fat and muscle. A gentle giant, I just can't believe that he was laughed at by the local authorities, and with every domestic abuse outreach, he went to tell him that there's nothing they can do for him because he's a man just makes it worse. I tried calling around and I was told to tell my brother to either go to a homeless shelter or commit himself in a psych ward. I cannot believe with all of the shelters we have for women and children, there's none for men.


I’d like to point something else out too: why do you need to order these books for him? Given he’s published a book, seems like he would have done this himself, already. And given how well he’s done for himself, you need to pay? Seems strange.

Why are you calling around? Another job he could have easily done himself?

I’m puzzled by how much you are helping, and a man who works a lot, has a good knowledge of the publishing industry… hasn’t done any of this himself. He seems like a person who commands respect, and has people jumping to win his approval.

Victims are usually screaming for help, and many family members turn away. And if they don’t, they immediately offer a room and help them pack.

What’s happened in his marriage very very recently that has him so spooked?

People who are controlling are kept very isolated, dependant and low. He seems incredibly free, and successful to me.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Did your family actually receive any pictures of his children, or just the frame?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When was the last time you saw his children and/or his wife?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

If she is this crazy every time he wants to take the kids somewhere, it should be very easy for him to get it on video. Just hide a camera in his shirt. Let her give a performance that he can take to the police.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LastManStanding77 said:


> I suggested it, but he's afraid that his wife would go through with the threats. He has it in his head that all she has to do is say she was being abused and no one would believe him. I told him to take the leap, but I could hear the fear in his voice.


Threats?

All are empty. 

I see none that would have any teeth, with you living elsewhere.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

Your brother needs to document her threats. He needs to record her stating he needs to do X or she will tell police he abused her. He needs to save texts stating so. The police arent going to arrest him just because she says so, and if they show up he can show the documentation. He needs to document every episode of abusive behavior towards him.
Then he needs to get out for a while. Have him come stay with you for a couple of days. Do some free attorney consultations and see what his options are regarding alimony and child support.
The court isn't going to automatically grant her full custody, he can get at least joint custody which comes with a lower child support payment. An attorney can go over all of this. My brother is divorced and has joint custody of his kids, he pays no child support or alimony, I'm not saying this is what will happen but the courts are trying to be more pro kids and not so pro woman like they were several years ago. My brothers ex thought she had a slam dunk full custody case as a woman too and was shocked then the judge gave him 50%.
Right now I feel like he's in a toxic relationship he isn't fully committed to leaving yet, and he is letting fear be an excuse to stay. It's not his fault and is a normal part of abuse, but he needs to break out of this relationship and having him come down to your place for a few days can give him some distance to clear the fog. He will need a ton of support from his family during and for many months or years after to recover from this.


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