# A question for the women...



## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

Ladies,

I would like some input please. My wife has a nasty habit of spending the entire day flirting, touching me and turning me on. and after the whole day of "foreplay" she just shuts down and says "not tonight"... she does this often... far more often then she satisfies me, i think it is like a game to her and it realy came to a head last night when her friend was over and she starte making jokes about it in front of me.. basically making me the but of the joke... her friend, ofcourse sided with her and said "it a womans perogative" then they both burst in to laughter and i was really upset but said nothing.. i refused to touch my wife last night when we went to bed (not sexually). i refused to reasure her that she was ok after the way her and her friend treated me and niether appoligised even though i was visibly upset... 

now, my question is... do women do alot of women do this, be hot and bothered all day or atleast appear to be and just shut it off when the time comes?

i am not talking about when she has a legitimate reason, if she is feeling good or has a nother reason for it then i understand.. but most of the time it's just "I'm not in the mood, sorry" now i know... if she's not in the mood then she's not in the mood and i leave it, but then she complains that i am disapointed and making her feel bad... (HELL YEAH I"M DISAPPOINTED!!!!!) 

but really, is this common, becouse i am about to the point where i sick of going to bed throbbing painfullly (yes i know it sounds funny, but it's not) her friend thinks it's ok for her to do this to me all the time and that i should just accept it... that's what she told her... so i need to know, are most women proned to do this or is it just a few?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I don't do that. 

Your wife is being mean. Not loving. I don't blame you for being angry. She owes you a big apology for treating you like that in front of company. And, she needs to modify her behavior toward you in general.

While it is fine to be loving, flirty, etc. all day, if she regularly turns you down, and she is building you up only to knock you down on purpose, you might want to question if she hates just you or all men in general. Her behavior isn't consistent with respect or liking someone, let alone loving them.

Talk to her about your hurt. But you have every right to be angry, IMO.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I don't know of anyone that does this. I know that I don't do it either.

Doing this on a consistent basis will bring about alot of resentment on your part. Trouble is brewing in your marriage...you had better start communicating and caring about each other.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

i do... well, i try to... i have told her before and it stopped for a while but this "friend" who is cheating on her husband and bragging about how much fun it is, she is i think being a very bad infuence... she is very... not sure... the only statment that comes to mind is "girl power" and "girls rule and boys drool" i hope that makes sense... 

any ways... sinse her "new friend" came into the picture she has started doing this more....


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I wouldn't have much trouble saying something about this in front of her friend. Her friend obviously has no respect for men and love and marriage and when they're joking like that, it would not be out of line to say something like, "I'd expect to hear something like this from you (the friend), as you have no respect for your husband by cheating on him, but I never expected to hear something like that from my wife."

Confront the entire problem. Shoot, this other woman is in your house, disprespecting you and IMO, your marriage. She's so messed up she wants to mess other people up. Your wife should open her eyes.


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## LadyEm (Oct 6, 2009)

Your wife needs to keep her mouth shut about you to her friends, or anybody else for that matter.

I agree with dobo...you need to confront your wife about her behavior.

Before my husband and I began dating, we hated each other. We naturally didn't really know much about each other, and completely had the wrong assumptions about each other. It became a stupid habit of mine to talk about him to my girlfriends...so much of a habit, that when I fell in love and started dating him, it didn't stop. Eventually one of his buddies found out and went straight to him. My husband confronted me (we were still dating, of course), and explained this, "How would you like me to call my friends right now and tell them every detail of all the little things you do that upset me?"

Reality really struck me then, and I called and apologized to every friend I had spoken to about him, as well as apologizing to him. I felt horrible and disgusted at myself. Be that person and step up to her about her behavior.

As for the sex part, that's just cruel. You need to talk to her about that as well. Start off with a compliment, like "I really love and appreciate all you do. I love when you flirt, and I love your affection." Then proceed into how you seem confused when she refuses sex in the end, not to mention frustrated. Instead of pouting and getting angry with her, which will probably make things worse, express to her lovingly how much you love her touch and wish to have it more often. 

Point is, talk to your wife, without accusations. Keep it calm and loving, and don't forget to start off with compliments. Good luck.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Sorry honey, but I don't do that at all. I am shocked to hear that your wife does. That is just plain mean and really rude and inconsiderate for her to do it with her friend in your house too.

I would serisouly talk and tell her you have seen some changes in her since she has found her new friend, and while you are happy she has someone to hang out with you are unhappy with how they are both treating you. You have every right to be upset, and I don't think she is thinking about the big picture. She is going to do that one too many times and next thing you know she won't be even the least bit attractive to you anymore.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

No woman will admit they do this, but I'd say a good percentage do, just maybe not out of "spite".

You can't say that you have NEVER been "flirty" with your husband all day and then denied him that night, even if it wasn't to be mean.

I think this happens more than everyone is letting on, just most women aren't doing it "on purpose" as his wife is.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I am just curious if she is just being loving and tender during the day and isn't necessarily even thinking sex and you are reading her actions the wrong way? 
Her disrespecting you in front of her friend was awful. You need to let her know that.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

*update:*

i talked to her about the issue with the friend... the desision is that i am going to exclude my self from those conversations and not be harassed for being "unsociable" and she apologized as well 

as far as the flirting all day goes... she said "it's just play, just becouse i flirt and grab, that does not mean i am interested in it" (yes, physical and verbal sexual advances, as if trying to turn me on) i told her not to imply that she wants it if she doesn't... 

you should be able to be "loving and tender" with out grabing and making sexual advances? at least i try to...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

revitalizedhusband said:


> No woman will admit they do this, but I'd say a good percentage do, just maybe not out of "spite".
> 
> You can't say that you have NEVER been "flirty" with your husband all day and then denied him that night, even if it wasn't to be mean.
> 
> I think this happens more than everyone is letting on, just most women aren't doing it "on purpose" as his wife is.


If someone is loving and flirty all day and they're like that every day, it isn't some great mystery that now and again they won't want to have sex at the end of a day. It isn't some conspiracy. Quoting "spite" and "on purpose" makes it sound as though there's something wrong with turning down a partner once in a while.

And lord knows, no man has ever turned down his wife... Right?


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Hoping-
I am now curious to know what it is that your W is doing that may give you the wrong impression? By grabbing you mean?


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

I've never turned down my husband so there's no possibility that I've done this. HE has done it to me though (guys seem to not think the roles can ever be reversed but it happens).


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Maybe this started because she is trying to get you to be more affectionate during the day. She's modeling the behavior. You don't realize that, so you don't pick up on the hint and respond or initiate this kind of playfulness. She gets mad and makes a really poor decision. I'm not trying to excuse her if she is intentionally taunting you--inexcusable. I'm just trying to explain it. But to drag a friend in is beyond the pale. You need to tell her this is unacceptable and ask, at the same time, if she wants you to be more physical/affectionate during the day. And yeah, sometimes even with all that going on, it doesn't mean a woman wants sex. If the only time you are affectionate is when you want sex, that is a huge turn off! Lots of us like affection all the time, with no strings attached. It helps us feel sexual sometimes, but sometimes it just helps us feel loved.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

dobo said:


> If someone is loving and flirty all day and they're like that every day, it isn't some great mystery that now and again they won't want to have sex at the end of a day. It isn't some conspiracy. Quoting "spite" and "on purpose" makes it sound as though there's something wrong with turning down a partner once in a while.
> 
> And lord knows, no man has ever turned down his wife... Right?


1. I truly don't believe a spouse (husband or wife) should turn down the other for any reason other than honestly being sick, "time of the month", or something in that nature. "Not in the mood" and "tired" should not be good excuses. Sex is important in marriage and much more important than some people want to admit or believe.

2. Yes, men have turned down their wives, but lets not try to act like men do it just as often. I can say that in nearly 10 years of marriage I have turned down my wife exactly twice. Both times she had really done something to piss me off and I didn't want to have sex mad. I bet she turns me down twice a week compared to my twice in 10 years. The difference? I'm "used" to it and while I don't like it, get disappointed, sometimes a little mad (don't let her see it)...she cried both times I turned her down.

You see, a guy getting rejected is just "par for the course", if the girl gets rejected "all hell breaks loose". Double standard? probably.

Edit: The "twice a week" she turns me down is accurate, but only because I want sex every day and we "only" have sex 4-5 times a week. I'm not complaining about the amount of sex we have, its very good. I'm just pointing out the rejection issues for both sides.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

it seems she is trying to exert a power trip on you. nature has given the ladies a great weapon in their arsenal. I am absolutely NOT suggesting all or even most women do this (so please don't smack me down DOBO . maybe she feels like she is a minority partner in your relationship or that your too heavy handed and she is trying to take some of that back. it makes her feel good to have an ally with her friend there (i wouldn't take too kindly to that at all).


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

My husband and I joke about how many times I've turned him down. According to him, I never have. But that's not true. I have once or twice. My memory is better than his.

The truth is, if you have a regular and good sex life, occasionally not being in the mood is a FINE reason to not have sex. The idea that a partner should never turn the other down over mood is awfully rigid and IMO, not very loving. If it were a habit then I would argue that the mood is a problem and needs to be addressed/fixed.

Anyway, the poster's wife needs the smacking, Okey. She's definitely getting her jollies at the expense of this guy. And maybe there is some sort of "reason" behind it, but whatever it is, it should be addressed appropriately. You don't fix one wrong by commiting another, especially one like this.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

dobo said:


> The truth is, if you have a regular and good sex life, occasionally not being in the mood is a FINE reason to not have sex. The idea that a partner should never turn the other down over mood is awfully rigid and IMO, not very loving. If it were a habit then I would argue that the mood is a problem and needs to be addressed/fixed.


Ok, let's say one spouse (husband or wife) has the "love language" of physical touch. They have a good sex life, lets say 3 times a week, but there are still 2 or 3 days a week that he/she gets rejected on sex. You would say thats "ok" because the rejector is not in the mood and the rejectee gets it "enough" anyway.

Now, lets say the spouse that is the rejector has the "love language" is quality time. Lets say they spend good amount of quality time together 2 or 3 nights a week but there are at least 1 or 2 nights a week he/she wants to spend quality time together but his/her spouse rejects her/him and goes to do their own thing.

I would bet that most people would call that spouse (the one that rejected the quality time) a jerk/witch for not wanting to spend that time with their spouse. However, when it comes to sex its ok to be rejected, I'll never understand that. 

You know, my wife's is QT, I'm a HUGE college football and Ohio State fan. Guess what we did on Saturday? I had to record the OSU game because at halftime we went to go out to eat and to a movie since someone had volunteered to babysit. I gave up something I love (watching Ohio State) and went out with her even though I wasn't "in the mood" to leave the game. 

I could have said "we go out plenty of times and we spend good time together each night, but tonight I'm not in the mood to go out on a date"...right? No, most women on here would have said I was a "jerk" if I had done that.

Did I get to watch the rest of the game later since it was on DVR? Sure, but any sports fan will tell you that watching it live is the only real way to watch it. 

So no, I try to never "reject" my wife's "love language" and in my opinion she shouldn't reject mine (both within good reason).


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What works for you and your wife won't necessarily work for someone else.

"Enough" is determined within the relationship. So as for what I would say is OK or enough, it doesn't matter. And I really resent the way you like to think you know what other people believe or think. 

For me, for my relationship, to never be able to do what you want to do in order to do what the other person wants to do, regardless, it just won't work. There will be times when what we want is at opposition. And there is simply nothing wrong with partners doing their own thing once in a while. In fact, it is absolutely necessary to provide balance and a sense of feeling restored and fulfilled.

To me, it sounds like you think you are buying sex by your actions. You aren't willingly giving up your game. You're involved in an exchange. Does your wife know you feel that way? 

While people are more likely to want to provide for another's needs if their own needs are met, the bottom line is WANTING to provide for those needs. It isn't about quid pro quo. It is about love.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

dobo said:


> What works for you and your wife won't necessarily work for someone else.
> 
> "Enough" is determined within the relationship. So as for what I would say is OK or enough, it doesn't matter. And I really resent the way you like to think you know what other people believe or think.
> 
> ...



Actually giving up the game had nothign to do with "sex". I knew for a fact I wouldn't get any that night whether I went out or watched the game due to "monthly" issues.

I gave up the game because she wanted to spend some time with me and I love her, had nothing to do with an "exchange".

You condemn me for "acting like I know how you'd feel" then you jump right into acting like you know why I gave up the game. How does that work out logically?

I never said married people shouldn't spend time apart, I just said that when one of the spouses has a need to be filled, the other should do what they can to fulfill it whenever it is physically possible. THAT is called love.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

From the way you came across, it very much sounded like an exchange. Your second to the last statement is something I agree with but as you said before -- within reason. Which is something you said before but somehow, coming from someone else, you don't want to hear it.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

let me just say WOW!!! I never expected to spark such a debate. 

i am sorry to have disrupted so many people over this. if i had know i would spark such a heated debate i would never have asked. my goal was not to upset so many people. i am sorry that it appears i have done so.

but, that being said, i have thought about whether it is my fault alot and have come tot the conclusion that no, it is not my fault. i have discussed it with her enough times and she continues to do it. no the amount of sex is not enough for me, but, i feel that sex is such a small part of what i care bout that it does not matter... the part that matters is the disrespect of her continuing to do some thing that she knows bothers me... granted it bothers me more than it should i think because, as i admit, i do want way more then she gives. but, that does not change that it does bother me.

and to answer a few question:

Yes, i do show my affection for her in several different ways, as well as flirting and touching in nonsexual and sexual ways. (and before you ask, no i do not do try to turn her on when i am not in the mood or unwilling to proceed) 

grabbing: come on are you serious.. i don't really want to go in to detail about what and how she grabs and touches that leads me to believe she is interested in whats between my legs tonight... 

Not in the mood: yes, this is an acceptable answer, but, what if say the above mention touching was taking place several weeks in a row and STILL NOTHING? she has seemed in the mood all day and accepted my responses to it all day then.... well you know my complaint....

i do how ever agree that it is about want. and yes it is a matter of how much she wants verses how much i want. i am willing to go with out for a long time to meet her wants, that is a compromise on my part because sex is NOT what i fell in love with her for. i only want the respect of not being lead on all day and then being told "just because i act like i want it does not meen i am in the mood"

and i feel i should add, i apologize for the one sidedness of my post, i do realize that, yes, men do this too in some cases. i am not so sexist as to believe that only women can play mind games with sex. i was frustrated when i started this post and probably came off a bit harsh. for that i am sorry

thank you all for your replies, it helps just to know i have a place to talk.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

dobo said:


> From the way you came across, it very much sounded like an exchange. Your second to the last statement is something I agree with but as you said before -- within reason. Which is something you said before but somehow, coming from someone else, you don't want to hear it.


No, you say "within reason" and it means "not in the mood" is a good reason. I say "within reason" and mean physically unable is the only good reason.

Things like "time of the month", an real honest headache/illness, etc. I truly don't think "not in the mood" should be a good enough reason ever. If I'm just "not in the mood" to be nice one night and be a complete jerk to my wife is that "ok"? I sure would hope not.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Maybe you should call her on it early in the day. Then she can't say she's tired. 

BTW, you did nothing wrong with your post. Your wife isn't behaving in a loving way toward you and you were not sexist or one-sided. You were simply telling your story.


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## Otter88 (Oct 7, 2009)

Could be that at beginning of day and through day she is flirty and whatever, and then she gets t-i-r-e-d by the time bedtime rolls around?

What one feels sexually early in the day sometimes rather fizzlies as one grows weary and ready for bed/sleep time.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

For some people, they require being in the mood for physical affection or else it feels really, really bad to have sex. 
Sex isn't the same as other physical things. It is a lot more involved. But maybe to you it is all mechanical and if so, then you're missing something within you.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

thank you dobo. 

there was one post that i was not sure if it was directed at me or not. i simply do not want to make enemies here... atleast not this soon, i havn't been here even a month yet  so i was trying to apologize to any one who may have read that and thought that i was implying that men are the only ones who might have this problem.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Not you, Revitalizedhusband, however...

You're totally in the right here. And you can tell your wife that, for me.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

thank you dobo, but, i don't think i will betelling her that i was discussing our sex life with strangers  i'm not sure that would help things.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

But we're not only strangers, we're anonymous strangers! I mean, aren't anonymous strangers the best kind?! ;-)

Look, nothing wrong with getting help or another point of view. And besides that, you aren't really talking about your sex life. You're talking about how she is treating you in front of her friend. She's done something far worse than to seek advice of a stranger. She's made fun of you in front of someone else, in your very own home. 

If she doesn't like this, she should take a good look in the mirror and ask herself how you must have felt when you experienced that kind of humiliation and if what she did was very nice.


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