# Long marriage in real trouble



## Can'tloseitall (Mar 30, 2018)

I married my husband when I was 18. Now in my 40's I'm afraid I'm going to lose it all. When I was a teenager I did some things which I'm not proud of (all of which I have told him in the last 2 years). I looked for love in all the wrong places and before we married I lied about how many guys I had been with because I was afraid he wouldn't want me. After we married I was afraid to tell him the truth because I was afraid I would lose him. 

Since we've been married he has accused me of cheating many times because of different things like what was normal discharge in panties (which I always had an excess of). Which I have shown him numerous things to prove this is normal for any woman to have. 

We have a young child who is never away from me and 2 years ago she was going to spend the night with someone. He was leaving and was going to be gone late with his brother. I took our child to her sleep over then ran some errands and came home. I was excited we were going to have our first night alone in over a year. Knowing he was going to be late I fell asleep (I don't get quiet nap time alone ever)! During this time he says he messaged and called for several hours. I know it wasn't hours but I do know when I realized I had missed him I panicked because I knew he would be mad so I immediately called him. Then knowing what we would be doing when he got home and liking a certain thing he does, I proceeded to pleasure myself thinking hopefully it would last longer when he got home since we were going to finally have the house to ourselves. I then took a shower and waited for him to get home. Later that night he accused me of cheating because I didn't answer the phone and he said I smelled like sex. 

A couple months later I received a message on Facebook from someone he knows that was completely related to work. I panicked because I knew he would wonder why he was sending me messages and thinking he would think something else was going on I deleted them instead of keeping them so he could see what they said. Bad decision on my part because when he asked the person who is known to be a smart ***about it he said if I wanted him to know I would tell him and sent him a blank message page. I couldn't stand this person and he always gave me the creeps. There is no way I would ever have anything to do with him. I have tried everything to get the messages back but I can't and he knows this. 

Another part of this story is a person I talked to maybe 2 times before we were married. the first time was with others around. The second he had asked me to come to his house. (He still lived with his mom and I was 17) I naively went there and he ended up forcefully putting a hickey in my neck and I believe he would have raped me if someone hadn't have yelled for him. I immediately left and had no other contact with him. 10 years later this persons xwifebtold my husband that I had had sex with him. Then just 2 years ago he moved right down the road and it brought it all back up. My husband talked to him and said that he told him we had sex. He took me down there and instead of telling my husband what had really happened i went off calling the person names and saying I never had sex with him (which I didn't)! 

I understand why husband thinks he can't trust me but I have even voluntarily taken a polygraph test about all these things which I passed. I called a dr and he told my husband that what I did that night could absolutely cause that smell. I go to work and come home. I do everything for him and our child and I never ask for anything. They are my entire life and I would never cheat on them. How do I get him to see that I am being honest, I love him and i just want my family back. I can't lose it all!


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You both need marriage counseling.

He needs to decide if he has the capacity to forgive you and put the focus back on building trust with you, or if he's unable to trust you again, in which case you should divorce. He'll be obsessing all the time and you'll be walking on eggshells around him constantly. 

Does he have anger issues?


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

From the sounds of it you have done nothing wrong to make him misjudge you. He seems to be taking simple things that mean nothing and uses these innocent things against you. I would start digging in on what he is doing. It is usually the cheater that attacks their partner for cheating. It is called deflection. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you’ve done nothing wrong in your marriage and your husband is giving you grief, there’s something wrong with HIM.

I assure you, if you’ve been together since you were 18, he will NEVER get over you totally, no matter what. If he’s angry and upset all th time..... that’s a longshoreman from indifference. Indifference is what ends marriages, not jealousy and anger.

Stop worrying about it and see if you can get him to go to counseling.

And never delete messages. That is suspicious behavior. Going to people’s hoUses and confronting them about you having sex with them BEFORE you were even married to your husband— that’s crazy.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP;

I agree with the suggestion you get marriage counseling. I see two issues. The first is the most significant and may be the cause of the second.

First, you have not been totally honest with your H. For a long time you mislead him on the number of past partners, but within the past 2 years told him the truth. Put yourself in his shoes. Can he trust you in what you say? Does he have by your actions reasons to question what you say? How can you and your H regain trust? Usually trust is built over time by actions. That means you will need to build his trust.

Second your husband sounds like he has a big jealousy streak. That isn't good for a marriage. This is something that he needs to work on and counseling would probably help.

Good luck.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*So when you say...*

So when you say... you did some things. 

Is one of those things cheating on him before you were married but dating? 

Or are we talking a number above 25 or 50 before you met him but were not dating. 

Those 2 things make a difference. If it was just how many guys you slept with before you met him, I don't think you should have said anything. 

If it is the other, well then he needs counseling and you both need MC. 

Which is it?


----------



## Can'tloseitall (Mar 30, 2018)

QUOTE=BluesPower;19288945]So when you say... you did some things. 

Is one of those things cheating on him before you were married but dating? 

Or are we talking a number above 25 or 50 before you met him but were not dating. 

Those 2 things make a difference. If it was just how many guys you slept with before you met him, I don't think you should have said anything. 

If it is the other, well then he needs counseling and you both need MC. 

Which is it?[/QUOTE]

No I NEVER cheated on him, before or since we have been married. I knew he was different from the others and the one for me the day we met. 3 months later we were married. And no there weren't 25-50. There were 4 and I had only told him 2. I agree with what everyone says except the one who says I didn't do anything wrong. I lied about my past relationships and I kept the messages from him. I was wrong, I should have trusted him more, so I understand why he thinks he can't trust me, so I have to find away to make him see that he and our child are my world and he can trust me. I would do anything for them and will do anything to rebuild his trust if he'll let me.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Can'tloseitall said:


> Then just 2 years ago he moved right down the road and it brought it all back up. My husband talked to him and said that he told him we had sex. He took me down there and instead of telling my husband what had really happened i went off calling the person names and saying I never had sex with him (which I didn't)!


What the hell is so *wrong* with your husband that he has to go 'talk' to someone you spent a little time with *over 10 years ago* to ask if you 'really' had sex with him? And then this degenerate drags YOU down there to the guy's house because he thinks you both OWE him some kind of explanation for something that happened before you even knew him? This guy is SUCH a total jackass. And your constant need to pacify this idiot at ALL costs is just pitiful.

Your entire marriage has been spent walking on eggs, continually defending yourself, pacifying him whenever he gets a wild hair up his ass, and CONSTANTLY placating this immature buffoon who has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old kid. That's ALL you seem to do. Well that, and bust your ass catering to him 24/7.



> I do everything for him and our child and I never ask for anything. They are my entire life and I would never cheat on them.


Now why am I not surprised that *you're *the one doing everything at home and all the child-rearing on TOP of working a full time job - all while jumping around like a trained seal to service him? Is he a millionaire? Is he Brad Pitt and you forgot to mention that? Because I can't think of one single reason I'd disrespect myself to THIS level day in and day out or put up with the constant childish bull****, accusations, and paranoia you keep putting up with all because you're so desperate to cling to this guy like grim death. There isn't a man on this PLANET worth the price of continually swallowing your pride and self respect just because he's your 'world.'

Not *one*.

Instead of looking for advice on how to pander to this fool even MORE than you already are, how about instead seeking advice on how to *respect* yourself and realize your *worth *and stop allowing yourself to be degraded and devalued by your paranoid husband?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your marriage does not sound healthy at all. I would suggest you both get counselling. It is not normal for your H to be so paranoid and for you to live in so much fear esp when you have done nothing wrong.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*OK then...*



Can'tloseitall said:


> QUOTE=BluesPower;19288945]So when you say... you did some things.
> 
> Is one of those things cheating on him before you were married but dating?
> 
> ...


No I NEVER cheated on him, before or since we have been married. I knew he was different from the others and the one for me the day we met. 3 months later we were married. And no there weren't 25-50. There were 4 and I had only told him 2. I agree with what everyone says except the one who says I didn't do anything wrong. I lied about my past relationships and I kept the messages from him. I was wrong, I should have trusted him more, so I understand why he thinks he can't trust me, so I have to find away to make him see that he and our child are my world and he can trust me. I would do anything for them and will do anything to rebuild his trust if he'll let me.[/QUOTE]

OK then, your husband is a little nuts. I hate to say that but he is acting way out of line for the things you have done, which are, come on, very minor. Back in the day, I would sometimes sleep with 4 girls in a week. 

No, if everything you are saying is true, he is having some type of retroactive jealously, which is weird anyway, and he needs some type of therapy and soon. 

The other possibility, which I hate to bring up, is that he is or has had an affair and he is projecting his feeling and guilt on to you. I have seen this many time. 

If you want your marriage, then you have to be strong and put your foot down. He gets therapy, and you both go to a "GOOD" marriage counselor, or you file for divorce. 

What he is doing at this point is abusive and you should not stand for it. Like I said, if you want this marriage to work, you have to be strong and fearless if you are to save it...


----------



## Can'tloseitall (Mar 30, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Can'tloseitall said:
> 
> 
> > Then just 2 years ago he moved right down the road and it brought it all back up. My husband talked to him and said that he told him we had sex. He took me down there and instead of telling my husband what had really happened i went off calling the person names and saying I never had sex with him (which I didn't)!
> ...


I didn't mean I do everything. He works 50-60 hours a week and he does help. I guess what I should have said is I would do anything for them. He helps with our child but I do take in most of that as I feel it is my responsibility as a mother and what I do for him i feel is what any wife should do.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

CantLoseItAll one of the hallmarks of someone who has cheated is they are paranoid about their spouse cheating on them. I would bet you a new yo-yo that your hubby has had an affair, or maybe more than one, and is projecting his guilt on to you. 

Yeah, lying about how many partners you had before marriage wasn't smart, but that is water under the bridge and he needs to work through it. His constant accusations of infidelity on your part, however, should cause you suspicion. Start doing some discreet sleuthing. I'll bet you he has been up to something.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, first off I do believe both of you could benefit from marriage counseling. First off you need it, because you are internalizing everything he said. So what if you slept with 4 instead of 2 and didn't tell him about it? That was 20 years ago. Then you keep accepting blame and making excuses for everything. Then it seems your H is making mountains of mole hills and suffers from severe insecurity if he is upset that you slept with 4 people 20 years ago instead of the two you told him about. I think there are probably some much deeper issues impacting your marriage then these issues.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

One thing I can't understand is why your H believes someone who forced a hickey on you and likely would have raped you, my impulse would be to hit such a guy in the crotch with a baseball bat ten times. He then lied to justify his own criminal behavior. 

Hire a PI to see who this guy is cheating with now and bust him to his wife. Creeps continue to be creeps usually.

One question though is how close your 4 previous partners live to you, and did your H or you any contact with any of them while he was dating and married to you? 

Tamat


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

The fact that his W was lying to him about something he asked about for 20 years when she knew it was important to him is important. 

It's not even a lie by omission, since he asked.


----------

