# wife is only happy when she is away(help)



## tryingtomakeitwork (May 30, 2009)

I have never done anything like this and honestly I still don't know if it was really a good idea but I'm desperate to save my marriage! 

here it goes:

My wife and I have been married for almost three years now and we only knew each other for a few months before we got married. We never planned on getting married so soon and it wasn't cause we were deeply in love it just so happened that we got pregnant and we decided to do it for our son who is now over 2 years old. We moved in together and everything was going fine. We fell completely in love and even more so once our son arrived. We did everthing together. After my son was born I got orders to come to California from North Carolina where we lived (military) and thats when the trouble began. I knew my wife was very close to her family but as soon as we got to California it seems thats all she could ever think about. No matter how hard I try to keep her happy it is just not enough. It also doesn't help that I work long hours and sometimes don't even come home. I know she is very lonely since she has nobody here to talk to and also she is pregnant with our second child. We have been in California for almost two years now and she has gone to visit her family in N.C at least 4 times by herself with my son and two times with me. (6 times in 20 months) I hate when she leaves me here cause I can not stand being without her or my son! I know that there is going to be times when she will visit home I just wish it wasn't this often. I also understand that sometimes I can be demanding when it comes to things not being done around the house but I don't think that I'm to the point where I deserve to be punished by her always wanting to leave me. It has gotten to the point that she is never happy and doesn't want to do anything while here at home but as soon as she goes to visit her family she is as happy as ever. She thinks I'm jealous of her family and want to keep her away from them but that is definately not true I just want to have mine here with me. I'm a drill instructor and I train recruits to become marines so for three months straight I can not go anywhere but after every group of recruits we graduate we get a few weeks off and I will do whatever she asks even if its going to n.c with her which I don't like doing but I will do in order to be with her. However, she does not like me going with her because it takes away from the time she could be spending with her family. What can I do? I really love her and sometimes I feel like quitting! I know this was very long but I wanted you all to understand my situation completely.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you're not happy when your wife goes to nc and she's not happy living in ca. 

that's a whole lot of 'not happy'.

and it can't be good when a marine drill sargent says he 'sometimes' can be 'demanding' about housework.

respectfully you need to lighten up. your wife is pregnant, alone most of the time, far from home, and sticking by her man as best she can. cut her a little slack.

you should not only be happy for your wife to go visit her family, she should go as often as finances allow, and her trips home should be a priority.

i understand that may not be easy for you to do because you miss your family when she's gone, but you're trained for much more adverse conditions. she's not.

i must end by saying you strike me as a very loving and caring father and husband who wants what's best for his family, and i'm sorry that your tour in ca has caused you and your wife such turmoil.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

She needs to grow up! 

Family is ok, but YOU are her family now. 

I'd cut off the funds to go to NC! She needs to focus on you. 

Her family will always be there; if she won't concentrate on you, maybe you won't be. 

You're the DI...make her face herself. 

(btw, Pendleton? I was at NTC/RTC across the fence. That was 30+ years ago, though.  )


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

tryingtomakeitwork said:


> I also understand that sometimes I can be demanding when it comes to things not being done around the house but I don't think that I'm to the point where I deserve to be punished by her always wanting to leave me.


I had an epiphany in my own marriage the other day. My H had done something that really hurt me and i felt really neglected. He was having a bad day and went for a drive and i felt like he was 'punishing' me because he left without even talking to me. The next day when he looked at me and i told him i was angry and hurt about how he acted, he apologized and in that moment i realized, I am so selfish. Here is my husband, struggling, in pain, in so much pain that he had to leave and all i can think about is how it affected me. when i looked in his eyes i could see his loneliness, i felt like I did not even care about him, how his actions meant no more to me then whether or not they made me happy. he was not his own person to me. I could see in his eyes that he knew I did not care about him. 

Your wife is not trying to punish you. She's trying to heal herself the only way she knows how. It may not be the best way, but your anger and selfishness will only keep pushing her away.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I think it is wonderful that your wife has a loving family she misses in NC, and that she is able to visit them, while still pregnant. Raising young children is very demanding. Having parents or other relatives to babysit and provide emotional support is very important. I do recommend that both you and your wife try to make some friends in CA. A husband and wife can't be everything all the time. It is okay to be apart, whether as alone time, or a night out with friends.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

moving from NC to CA can be a huge change for her if this is her first cross country move.

Being a "east coast guy" I did not like California when I moved there and I imagine she is having a hard time adjusting.

Plus she is pregnant, give her some space and time. 

The military life is very difficult on families you have to be extra patient and more understanding, as does she. When you have orders, you have orders.

Give her some space and some time.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I've moved cross country many times. It's a new opportunity to make friends. 

No space or time!!! Make her grow up!

Keep her close, tell her you love her. Show her every day. 

I know you're a DI...but there has to be some way for you to get home! I know what "duty" is...there has to be trade offs! You can"t be "on" every day for weeks at a time. 

Do not let her visit NC! You can both do that in time. She needs to focus on YOU, her family.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

He may be a drill sargeant but definitetely needs to take those stripes off at home. Your wife has gone back home an awful lot, 
don't cut her off. It is her family, she will throw up a wall of 
resentment you will never break through. Let her go, ask her
to go with and watch your behavior. Allow her space there.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

She needs to focus on her family...with him! I still say do not let her go home...she won't learn to take care of her family! 

Again, NO SPACE!!! She has to learn to live her own life with him!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

she sounds very homesick and also a little immature.

can't she just stay in her hometown while you go off ?
It may work out best that way.

I know a older, now retired military couple and thats what they did. She stayed in one place, while he went all over... he came back 1 to 2 times a year until he retired at age 39 and now they are still together and he has a civlilian job. They talked on the phone daily and she had lots of emotional support and friendship where she lived.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I think she could cut back to once twice a year. A lot of people 
go back home on holidays. If he forces her into not going at all 
it might be the beginning of the end.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Ok, occasionally...but NOT regularly. She still needs to focus on him.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

to expand on your point, martino, it's the 'beginning of the end' whenever, in a relationship, one forces the other to do anything.

and that is a fact the husband should keep in mind when thinking about his wife's housekeeping skills or her inspiring attachment to family, both to momanddad and to husbandandson.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

i dunno 6 times in 2 years does not seem that much to me. that is a trip a little over 3 months? She wants her kids to know his grandparents, amybe they ahve a close nit family. As long as they can afford the travel, I would be ok with it.

If my wife wanted to fly up to NJ with our children every so often to visit her mother I would be fine with it.

Right now we travel up to NJ once a year for about 10 days of the summer. our kids love to travel.

I would not force her to do anything, i would discuss it as a couple and come up with a compromise.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Agreed Soccerman. She could be out doing worse things. Tryingtomake, what are you thinking now? what's a good compromise?


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Ok, I've kinda been sitting back and watching this thread before responding. I myself am not military but it runs my blood thru and thru, born and raised in it my parents both served 20+ years as well as my my mother's numerous spouses (lol...kinda).

That being said I lived w/my mother until the age of 15 and she LOVED being overseas as much as possible (I was born in Germany, lived in Portugal, went back to Germany, and then to live w/my Daddy (for various reasons) when my Mom decided she wanted to volunteer to go to Turkey. 

Ok to the point...Don't cut her off, 6 times in 2 years isn't bad at all. I spent my Summers in the US thanks to my dear parents no matter "who's" Summer it was I got at least a month at my Gma's to spend w/her and cousins/uncles/aunts etc. 

Your son does need to know his family your side and hers. I'm a full forced supporter of our Troops and their families (bless you and thank you for protecting me and our country). If you can afford it 2-3 times a year isn't bad, maybe just ask her not to be gone too long as you miss her too much  or take time off and go with her everyone can take leave here and there. Just remember it takes work to be a military spouse (male or female) just as well as it takes work to be a military "brat" (child) homesickness is expected.


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## tryingtomakeitwork (May 30, 2009)

Wow I have been off at work and I really didn't think that anybody was even going to take the time to read my post but I see that you all have and have also left some good advice, thanks! I understand what everybody is saying and no I would never tell my wife what she can and can't do she is not one of my marines and she can do as she pleases but in a relationship I feel that every decision made (especially with children involved) should be discussed by both sides i.e: I would never come home and tell my wife that I was leaving with the boys for a night out, I would ask if it was o.k for me to go and then I would go out. So yeah I want her to visit home and I want my son to know his family over there but it's just that I hate not having them around. My job is very demanding and I don't bring it home with me but after a hard day at work or a few in a row the only thing that keeps me sane is my son and wife. I know I'm being selfish and maybe somewhat of a baby but isn't this why we get married to be with the person we love? Listen I really do want whats best for both of us and I have tried to compromise with my wife and set dates for her to go but she always feels as if I'm trying to dictate what she can and cant do but really I just want her to put me into consideration as well. Like I said before I would go with her to n.c as much as I can but she doesn't want me to go she prefers going alone and that makes me feel like she doesn't want me around. My family lives all here in California and we have visited them half as much as we have visited hers. She married me knowing I was in the military. I don't get any vacations I don't get any time off. If I have any time off I dedicate it to my family. She sees being here as work and so thats her reason for going to the east coast without me as a vacation. From what, ME?!!!!!!! I would never tell my wife that I was leaving for a couple weeks to go and visit my friends and family by myself. 

I really don't know what else to do I feel that the only way to save my marriage is by just shutting up and letting her do as she pleases but I am a Marine after all and I can't just sit back and not say what I feel. We both have to be happy right?

P.S this is the 13th day that she has been gone to n.c and I'm going nuts coming home to an empty house!!!!!!


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Trying, be honest...how do you behave when you are with her and family in NC? does she just announce she is going there?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I still think she needs to focus on her family. Not her parents or siblings. 

I presume you've had her meet yours? 

Why does she feel so alone? 

Why the need to "go home"? 

I just can't help thinking of a spoiled princess.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I also thought it was common for military spouses to be geographically separated. The one on duty travels a lot and the other spouse stays in one place. If you look at that scenario, you are very lucky that your wife agreed to follow you to California, rather than stay home in NC. I also need to remind you that she is pregnant and taking care of a toddler. It is unrealistic to expect her to be supermom during the day, and also be perky happy trying to wait on you hand and foot when you come home. I also get the impression that you are stifling, not sure why, please don't take offense. If you miss her, just call her in NC. Keep busy by doing housework or pursuing a hobby and don't blame her visits to her family as the reason for any marital conflict.


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