# Love her, but.......



## missingmywife (Jan 16, 2011)

Hello, I have a very different sort of situation going on. Wife and I together for almost 18 years, married for 17. We have 3 kids, two oldest grown and a high schooler (two from her previous marriage I have loved these two since they were babies as if they were my own). Well, the trouble all started about a year and a half ago when my wife began complaining about my ministry and how it takes so much time away from the family. Well, since she was in school, I just got myself involved in my hobby (ministry). When she asked me to put it down and spend more time with the family I blew it off b/c I had already given up many other things for her, cars (she has to have the BEST car that we have at the time, and I get the seconds always). Anything new we get she hoards it. I gave up my house so we could downsize and she could go BACK to school for the second time. So I just felt that this was ANOTHER thing I was giving up for her. So I refused.
So fast forward to now, we began talking about divorcing in June. She moved out of the bedroom and into my daughters bedroom when school started. She told me the only way we would get back together is if I gave up the ministry. Not after everything I've sacrificed. I was starting to agree with it around October and talking about it in a matter of fact way. I was TIRED of all the complaining, constant misery from her, never happy about anything, with everyone in the house. So I was happy thinking about my freedom from that. But then one night I left after I tried to reconcile with her and she said “No you made your choices”. So the next morning I left for three days. On the third day, she told me she had a place for her and my daughter and that me and the boys could have the house. We met, and I explained that I would be putting the ministry aside to work on the family, and that I wanted her back and explained that I love her dearly. She became frustrated, said now she didn’t know what to do. Then she said no, no, that she needed to go ahead and move out, very adamant, very angry when I tried to touch her. She said “We just cannot live together under the same roof” and I had to agree it was aweful. Then I heard the worst: “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” which is usually code for “I have someone else now”. On the way out of the park, she kept rubbing my back telling me that she’ll always love me, that just made things worse. Then…..it happened. She moved out and I was devastated! Of course another man is on the forefront of my mind, but she keeps swearing up and down that she has noone, is not looking, yada, yada. It makes sense b/c she goes to work at the same time, comes home the same time, and when she’s not at work, my daughter says she’s up her butt…..even on lunch breaks. They share the same bed in a one bedroom apt so if she is having an affair, he’s one lonely bastard! When we talked the other day, I asked her if this is a separation or a divorce and all she keeps saying is “I really don’t know how I feel” and then proceeds to tell me about all of the people we know that were separated and got back together, and that if they hadn‘t been separated, they would have split up permanently. She calls me every day for this or that, sometimes wanting me to bring her something. But I’m frustrated because I cannot get an answer as to what this is? I keep getting “I don’t know how I feel, I just need space and time”. She got very angry at me yesterday b/c the kids told her I was being secretive about my emails/texts and that she thinks I’m into something again. I told her I just want my privacy but that I did have a change of mind & that I would explain later. She became very angry saying I HOPE YOUR HAPPY WITH HER and YOU SCREWED UP I WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO TAKE YOU BACK. So we talked today and I asked her what that was all about and she said “I’m afraid if I say yes to you, that it will go back the way it was. I can’t trust you. I can't say that I'm in love with you, but I love you” and cried while saying this. Then I told her that she will be receiving divorce papers from me in the mail either today or Tuesday because I thought she would consider it a “gift”. She cried and hung up on me. I thought she was telling me she wanted out? I don’t know what to do. I desperately love this woman and have been SICK over this. Sorry, but every indication to me was that she wanted out, that’s the signals and words I kept getting. That's why I filed for divorce! Does anyone speak “Womanese”? Am I right by starting the divorce process?


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Seems like a lot of mis-steps, lack of true communication...and neither of you getting space during the separation to sort things out...

If you truly love her and want/wanted her back, then yes--you were wrong in starting the divorce process...no counseling for either of you???

What would you tell someone in a similar situation based upon your ministry???


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

I agree with you she is in an affair. You just haven't found it yet.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I agree there is likely someone else too. Maybe not a serious physical affair yet, but could be someone who she's running to for "comfort" and who "understands" her. 

In any event, that's the first thing to confirm. If there really is no one else, then I would sit her down and tell her that it was her choice to separate. If she wants to live separately, then she will have to see what it's like. She can't see that if she is constantly calling for every day things and not really taking the time/space she claims she needs. I would tell her that you love her, you want to work on it, but that you realize you can't force her to want to be married. When she figures out what she wants out of this relationship, she can call you. Until you take that type of stand, you will be there for her emotionally and she will use you as the back up plan. It happened to me so I speak from experience. It hurts more to be in that position than to be in a position where you can make some final decisions. Living a life in limbo is a rough existence.


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## missingmywife (Jan 16, 2011)

We're now going on the third week of living apart. Well, one thing I forgot to mention here that kinda sorta is important is that she has not had an orgasm in over a year. She complained and complained about this, but I just put her off, ignored it, and did nothing to try to fix it. Up until the past 4 weeks, I have been 160 pounds overweight for years. Makes it difficult, VERY difficult. Dumb of me. This will drive a woman to look elsewhere quicker than anything. 

But over the past 4 weeks, I have taken off 65 pounds, and dropped 8 pant sizes. She was really complimenting me when she came over today with a huge smile on her face. 

We texted all thru the night: I admitted how if I hadn't had an orgasm in over a year I might leave my spouse as well. She said "it has been SOOO LONELY" and I said I can only hope to make that up to her. She said maybe sometime later and that she is under docs orders for 6+ weeks b/c of her bladder surgery last week. (Geez, I didn't mean RIGHT NOW I just meant in the future.) Then I told her yeah, maybe, we just have to see how things go b/c we are just now able to communicate and communication is a MUST for me. 

I want reconciliation, not a booty call. I want to be the husband I was to her, that she longed for, and for her to WANT to reconcile to me as her husband. But at the same time, I also don't want to be her back up plan either. 

Am I on the right track?


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