# Separation, harder than imagined....



## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

Hello all, 
A few months back I posted about considering separation/divorce from my husband who was married for 8yrs. Fast forward to last week, he moved out and got himself an apt. We have an 8 yr old son together (yes, we got married when I was pregnant at 20 yrs), anyways, after I gave him the news that I wanted a divorce hell broke loose and it was pretty uncomfortable living under the same roof for the past months, we didn't fight much we just argued and argued over past things since he kept bringing up stuff, then the last weeks everything was pretty calm and we rarely talked to eachother, our son would not ask much and he noticed us sleeping in separate rooms etc. I explained to him that daddy would have another place and that he would stay with him sometimes etc. He seemed to understand and everything was going just ok. The big day came, which was the day the moved out, my heart has rarely felt this kind of pain and trust me I have been through some serious stuff. My son asking where was he going, how come I wasn't going with him etc. I was holding my tears and also was him, when I saw his car leave I closed the door and fell on the floor crying in silence so my son wouldn't hear me while he watched tv in his room. I cried myself to sleep that day and the pain was just too much. Alghouth I didnt want him back, it just hurt me that it was over, that we would no longer share the same things and space etc. I felt bad for him that he was sleeping by himself without seeing his son in the morning etc. Next day was worse, my son spent the night at his place and when I went to pick him up, my son asked me when was everything going to be back to normal? (its been days and he still asks me),,,I've explained to him but I can't take away his pain, I'm not sure what will! I also feel guilty for wanting to divorce my husband and at the same time I feel relief that I won't be with him, auughh!! this is just so weird! Anyone can identify with me? any tips as to how to help my son to go through this? My advice to anyone out there considering separation/divorce, just make sure you are really really sure about this! because it is easier said than done, in my case I do not regret the decision it just hurts, but I've heard cases where people still love eachother and I can't even imagine how hard it must be for them!!! anyways, if anyone would like to share something with me, I'm here just hanging in there.... =/


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Ask your doctor about a child therapist for your son. There are some good ones out there.
There are also some books written for children going through divorce, that you can get and read with him, so he doesn't feel alone. They are written from a child's perspective.


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

Thanks for the advice, you're right I should start making the time and effort to do some reading about it, It's always something that keeps me from reading and learning. I get from work and the evening goes by sooo fast, then when I find some time, I spend as much time with my son that I can. On Monday he went to his dad's house again and this time was much better none us cried and were actually smiling and talking about random stuf. At his house he did good as well, he said he didn't ask things and they had alot of fun on Tuesday (next day) doing all kinds of stuff. When I picked hi up, my son didn't make any comments or questions he talked about his day pretty normal and seemed happy about it. My STBEH seemed much better and more calm about the whole situation, we both don't have that devastating look in our faces but more of a calm face, we were actually joking about him taking out the trash now in his new place haha! anyways, I'll continue to stay positive as much as I can and stay strong for my son as this is the hardest thing we have ever faced


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Time will do wonders for all of you.
One thing We were told by my son's school psychologist, who we consulted before I moved out, was to set everything up for the child beforehand, so that instead of telling him what was coming, we were able to show him... here is your new room, with your new bed, your things (some familiar and some new). It avoids anxiety of the unknown, and gives you some time to set up and personalize the new space while you yourself digest it.

Most important, as you know, is that the two of you do not stop being co-parents through all the messiness of the D. As long as the child sees that, they will adapt. Child counselor, as suggested, can be of great help. Do not be afraid of any stigma; get him the opportunity to express and talk it out with a neutral party. If it turns out he didn't need it, and all is well, you will rest better knowing you did everything and more. 

Good luck, you will be fine. The two of you can talk and even joke at this early stage, it will get more relaxed as time goes on and you all adjust.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I can't put my finger on it but something seems very wrong about all of this - almost like the two of you gave up on marriage without really trying (because it still sounds like you have feelings for each other). I read your other thread and I still feel the same.

Has he really agreed that this is truly over or is this your perception ?


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

I can't tell you how many times I cried in the shower! My kids are mid to late teens and I was determined to not scare the crap out of them after my STBX told me he fell in love with another. I was shocked and upset for a couple weeks, but I'm older now, and we had been through a previous infidelity 15 years ago, so I could get ahold of myself better this time. I decided that the only thing that was important to me was my kids. Fortunately my STBX works out of town, so the "separation" really didn't look any different from before. I had the opportunity to consult a child therapist and ask how to deal with it all. He was an IMMENSE help. Not only for the kids, but for me too. We already had an established relationship with him through school, but I was thoroughly impressed how he helped with clear and concise recommendations and giving me insight into how kids react. Kids at different ages have different issues with divorce. We also found out that our insurance covered the consults too. Something to definitely check into. At the very least, you really should find books or look for reputable resources online. Sometimes the school guidance office can recommend books or therapists. Your family physician most certainly can recommend a counselor, and some practices even employ their own counselor. 

I have had a lot of help and insight from my best friend from childhood too. She was about 10 and her younger sister was 5 when their parents split. She also has an older brother. She has warned me of things not to do, or to look out for coming from her experience and how she dealt with her parents' split. It's been great to have that, because neither my side nor my husband's side has much divorce in the family, so it's a new experience for all of us (which in some ways is harder because damn... why do I have to be the one who failed at marriage?). Now my niece just got divorced and she has a 13 year old daughter, and we can share a lot. Our kids are all doing quite ok. Mine are very very angry with their father (left us for a younger woman), but I'm doing everything in my power to be the better person, and be strong so they feel secure. The 180 helps a lot with that. Take care of yourself, and then you can be strong and take care for your son.


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

Thank you everyone for the great advice and sharing your opinion. Well, the days have pass and I think things are starting to somewhat look better. My son doesn't cry anymore and he told me he understood what is going on, he says that its just that he misses both of us (my STBXH and I) in the same house, but he also told me that he has more fun when he spends time with each alone compared to when we would spend time the three of us together. That statement right there made alot of sense to me, it calm my heart to know that my son sees a positive side to it. He is getting used the schedules since they're a little weird because my STBXH does not have a stable fix schedule so for right now we have to work around that. As to having feelings for each other, not from my part, I do care for him but I do not love him nor want him back, the other day we met at Mcdonald's the three of us and we talked good and he was more calm. He told me that the only thing that hurts him is not seeing our son everyday but he knows that when we were together he didn't even spend time with him, now that he cherishes that and wonders how come he never changed his ways...anyways,,,talking to him can be a total roller coaster though, he changes moods very fast and can go from positive thinking and talking to negative several times in a matter of 5 min. I often wondered if he was bipolar but he never wanted to go to the doc to check himself...anyways, we didn't fight at the Mcdonald's we just talked mainly about him and his financial status, he is looking for a new job and is nervous about the whole child support thing ( I am too) I try to give him advice but he always refuses to take it, therefore, he struggles with money because he is a shopaholic (serious shopping problem since ever) anyways, he's hanging in there and seems calm when I see him or talk to him. Yesterday he went to pick up my son and yes we joke alot and laugh about things since he's always been funny and jokes about things etc. Long story short: yes as the days go by, everything seems to be alittle better, I don't worry about myself I mainly worry about my son and my STBXH, since I was used to be like a mom to him and take care of everything for him, I'm having a hard time letting that go. His parents told me that he needs to be on his own and struggle alittle to be able to mature and recover, which he will because he is very smart but he just never been on his own. When we got married he was a mommy's boy and then I took the place of his mother, therefore everything was done for him (yes its my faulty I know) ...I don't feel regret of letting him go, I don't feel like I made a bad choice because yes we did try very hard to make it work and I give credit to him alot on this, but it didn't work out. My love for him was gone when he decided to start trying therefore, there was nothing I could do even though I did try. People ask me how I feel after the separation and even ask me if I want to party?? I'm like hell no! this is not fun! this is not like: omg I'm free I'm so happy lets party and date around!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO,,,this is totally different, its a long process that it will take time and alot of effort to go through for our son. He is the main reason why I try my best, and everything is just ok for now. I do feel we're making progress but we're taking it day by day..thank you all for sharing your opinion.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

greenapple...this is a tough time for you and I'm sorry you are here.
But there is another side of you waiting to come out.
A stronger, more confident, self reliant you.

Use this time to be about you ( and your boy of course) and getting to know yourself better and clearly defining what you want and dont want.
Pain is the fire and you are the iron.
It's time to use your pain to craft you into something more elegant than a lump of metal...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You reasoned things out well. It will be interesting to see what he learned from the failure of your marriage.

The conventional wisdom is that once a woman falls out of love with a man, that's it folks. Seldom if ever do they hop back in bed again. 

Do you think your ex will find another woman to take care of him?


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

Thank you both for your encouragement!  Well, he is not an easy person to live with, he is funny and when you meet him at first he's really easy going....I do hope he learns from his mistakes as I'll try to learn as much from mine. Yesterday I heard from his sister in law (she is my closest friend) that he said now that he lives on his own that he is starting to think alot about things and realize many many things that he did wrong and refused to change, and that he accepted he hurt me real bad and feels bad about it. In other words, I think he is starting to accept his mistakes so that in the future he will change and be a better person/partner/husband/father etc. I do really hope he finds a good lady in the future that is good to him and that he is good to her so that he can be happy and make her happy. I also hope he seeks help in regards to his finances and emotional/compulsive shopping, so that if he were to live with someone else, that won't cause issues. Yesterday I went to pick up my son and my son was sad but didnt want to show it, he just said that he needs time to adjust and that he's just sad that he misses me at night but he does like to spend time with his dad. My STBXH seemd very sad, i think the fact that his mom went back to her country since she was here visiting, also had to do with him being more sad. I felt for him,I wanted to tell him something to encourage him but like always I am afraid of his reaction, I still fear for his reactions always since he made me like that...anyways, I cried on our way home looking at the window so my son didnt see me, we got home and everything went well. Maybe one day I'll get over the feeling of worrying for him like a son or baby brother, maybe one day I'll be able to let him go in that sense, but right now I am working on it, I know he is smart and capable of doing many things its just that its in my nature to worry about people and their well being, especially him that I shared a life with for 8 yrs!


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> greenapple...this is a tough time for you and I'm sorry you are here.
> But there is another side of you waiting to come out.
> A stronger, more confident, self reliant you.
> 
> ...


Thank you SamuraiJack, and yes so far I think I'm starting to realize that I am not a doormat for people to step all over. I'm starting to think better about myself and not desire to change for someone else, for 6 yrs I tried to change who I was to make him "happy" I even compared myself to the woman he was in love with when we got married and he cheated with. I am learning to defend myself and speak when I don't agree with something, and I am starting to let go of my fears. Now, although he never hit me, his temper always scared me and he used to say very deep hurtful things not even bad words just hurtful things. it may sound weird but yeah there is such thing called emotional abuse without using foul language or physical abuse. Anyways, I now actually enjoy coming home, when before I would not want to go, the only reason I was ok going home was for my son. One day I was like, yeeeyy I can't wait to go home! jaja and was surprised at myself actually jeje,,,I don't remember last time I had that feeling....thank you for your encouragement!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

greenapple said:


> Thank you SamuraiJack, and yes so far I think I'm starting to realize that I am not a doormat for people to step all over. I'm starting to think better about myself and not desire to change for someone else, for 6 yrs I tried to change who I was to make him "happy" I even compared myself to the woman he was in love with when we got married and he cheated with. I am learning to defend myself and speak when I don't agree with something, and I am starting to let go of my fears. Now, although he never hit me, his temper always scared me and he used to say very deep hurtful things not even bad words just hurtful things. it may sound weird but yeah there is such thing called emotional abuse without using foul language or physical abuse. Anyways, I now actually enjoy coming home, when before I would not want to go, the only reason I was ok going home was for my son. One day I was like, yeeeyy I can't wait to go home! jaja and was surprised at myself actually jeje,,,I don't remember last time I had that feeling....thank you for your encouragement!


My ex-wife was emotionally, verbally and occasionally physically abusive.
I know there can be this weird little piece of you that wants to go back ot it.
Its the "better the devil you know " feeling.
I can tell you that I know what its like to walk on rice paper all day and I am familair with the brutal attacks that seem to come out of nowhere.
It will take a while to seperate from this and you will "SQUEEEE!" days...and some darker ones.

But each day you will become a little more "you" and a little less "what you tried to be".
In a while, you will return to "Good Old Greenapple".
That will be fine day for you.

Good luck!


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

Thank you so much!! yes you got it right! I do start to feel alittle bit more me  last time in fact, I was wearing my cowboy boots that I missed sooo much since he didn't like them and he asked how come I was wearing them? then he said that I may get a cowboy boyfriend, I just decided to ignore his negative and out of place comment and just rocked my boots jajajaj!!,,,so, yes I totally agree with you!!


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

Ok, so alittle update on my situation,,,We have been alittle better and my son has been the best out of the three of us! to our surprise he's been very happy and cooperative in everything. When he is with me he is the happiest boy and plays and talks as normal, which that calms my heart since he is my reason for living. When he is with his dad he is very happy as well! He says he still misses me but when I'm not around but he comprehends is normal to miss somebody and that everything will be ok. As for my STBXH, we talked last Sunday and he says he's been going to church and been feeling more optimistic about moving on and healing. That makes me feel much better as I do worry for him, he says he feels less scared about being on his own and that little by little he feels things are actually starting to work out. He is still very sad, I feel very sad too sometimes and I cry myself to sleep but not because I want him back but just because of the change and for my son etc. Like I said before, I feel judged by everybody and it makes me sad that everyone thinks I'm happy!! :scratchhead: but I'm starting to not care what others think and just move on with my life. I feel myself again and I actually feel alive, although I still hurt I do feel alive and with motivation to actually enjoy my life. I am not the type of person who wants to live the "single ready to mingle" type of life! no! its not that way, I just want to live in peace and feel myself again even if I never meet any other man I just want to be happy for once in my life. I do still have feelings of guilt every now and then, but guilt for what? for wanting to be happy? hmmmmm...well I guess so!!!


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

greenapple said:


> Ok, so alittle update on my situation,,,We have been alittle better and my son has been the best out of the three of us! to our surprise he's been very happy and cooperative in everything. When he is with me he is the happiest boy and plays and talks as normal, which that calms my heart since he is my reason for living. When he is with his dad he is very happy as well! He says he still misses me but when I'm not around but he comprehends is normal to miss somebody and that everything will be ok. As for my STBXH, we talked last Sunday and he says he's been going to church and been feeling more optimistic about moving on and healing. That makes me feel much better as I do worry for him, he says he feels less scared about being on his own and that little by little he feels things are actually starting to work out. He is still very sad, I feel very sad too sometimes and I cry myself to sleep but not because I want him back but just because of the change and for my son etc. Like I said before, I feel judged by everybody and it makes me sad that everyone thinks I'm happy!! :scratchhead: but I'm starting to not care what others think and just move on with my life. I feel myself again and I actually feel alive, although I still hurt I do feel alive and with motivation to actually enjoy my life. I am not the type of person who wants to live the "single ready to mingle" type of life! no! its not that way, I just want to live in peace and feel myself again even if I never meet any other man I just want to be happy for once in my life. I do still have feelings of guilt every now and then, but guilt for what? for wanting to be happy? hmmmmm...well I guess so!!!


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