# Triggers in the Darndest Places



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

For those who don't know, I had an EA in 2010, got caught and confessed. Wife and I are now working on a successful reconciliation. Anyway...

So I get a call my wife just a minute ago and she says in an accusatory tone, "what's with this girly looking iPhone in your drawer?" My immediate response was, "Whaaa?? Huh?? stutter stutter." I had no idea what she's talking about and as I'm trying to figure it out and stop making myself look guilty by back peddling it dawns on me. 

Through our company we all switched carriers and upgraded phones. My mother asked me to wipe out her old iPhone 3 and gave it to me to keep and use as an iPod for the kids. I stuck it in a drawer until we need it and forgot about it. 

Man she was pissed. I could tell that she logically accepted my explanation but couldn't process it emotionally that fast. 

So now I'm sitting her stuck between laughing at a totally innocent set of circumstances - and - feeling bummed that I put her in a position that an old phone could set her off. I understand it and don't blame her a bit. I just hate that I put here there. Amazing how things you never think about can turn around trigger someone - like an old cell phone in a drawer.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I receive a post card once claiming that my new phone was ready for delivery. It was addressed to me. Of course my husband went balistic while I stood there unable to figure out when I ordered a new phone. He then said the OM ordered it for me so we could talk without husband knowing bout it. Either way, I was guilty! Eventually, we called the phone number on the post card to find out that this was simply an advertising similar to the one where you are pre-approved for a credit card. I cannot describe the unimaginable anger I felt over being accused of something that I didn't do. Ever since I make sure that EVERYTHING I do and say is documentable.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

My wife checks my cell phone when I receive a text. On the iPhone, when you unlock the phone, the prompts go away. So now I miss texts that I received when I wasn't near my phone. She checks them, and I never see the prompt that text came in.

She hasn't gotten angry about anything yet.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I receive a post card once claiming that my new phone was ready for delivery. It was addressed to me. Of course my husband went balistic while I stood there unable to figure out when I ordered a new phone. He then said the OM ordered it for me so we could talk without husband knowing bout it. Either way, I was guilty! Eventually, we called the phone number on the post card to find out that this was simply an advertising similar to the one where you are pre-approved for a credit card. I cannot describe the unimaginable anger I felt over being accused of something that I didn't do. Ever since I make sure that EVERYTHING I do and say is documentable.


Wow that would send me over the edge too. What a horrible mailer to send out!

My wife got a "credit card declined" letter in the mail. I thought she applied so she could start buying things secretly (like a secret phone). I showed her the letter, my mom made her sign up for this card offer so she could get 20% off while they were shopping, she gave them a phony social security number. We both felt bad.......


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Unfortunately I have another one to add!

My H and I were in bed last night watching The Daily Show, felt pretty good... holding hands and laughing. Then at the end of a video clip I heard an iphone go off. My heart dropped, I knew both our phones were downstairs. The wave of insecurity swept over me and that feeling of, "Do I really know this man" overtook me. He heard it too, but was already half asleep. He was pretty sure about it being on tv and felt useless in trying to reassure me. How do you prove that something is _not_ there?

Anyway, I watched the show again a few hours later, feeling sick the whole time. To my immense relief, the sound came from the video clip. I even recorded it just to be sure with another third viewing. Strange enough, I felt bad afterwards for reacting that way, I don't want to be a freak whenever I hear a phone go off in strange places. My H understood, said he's the reason for the situation and can handle it. He said the only frustration is knowing for the first time in a looooong time he's being honest, and then feeling helpless in proving it. He wishes there was a way in this situation he can calm my fears with concrete evidence of his new found loyality, but he can't.

I calmed down pretty quickly after getting my verification of the sound, but then I had one bummer of a realization. I'd be like this in any romantic relationship, no matter if it's my DS or someone new. There's no way I'd ever let something like that mysterious iphone sound go by someone saying, "It must've been the tv". This makes me feel like damaged goods, but I can't go back to being that person who trusted unconditionally and blindly. Seems the debris field of an affair is far and wide.

Well, at least if anyone else watched that episode last night, now you know it wasn't a hidden iphone!


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## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

I just had one.

H texted me this morning, with "Hi Beautiful". So I responded hello, and he told me he missed me. Since I began my day telling myself that I would make an active attempt to initiate connection, I texted back "So if I took a shower and climbed back into bed, could you come home?" His response was a shocked-face emoticon, with a "YES". He said to give him 10 minutes and he'd be on his way home.

He texted again saying he'd be home in 40 and I responded something about not having had time to pick up from the morning mess. He said he didn't care about the mess, but if I wanted more time he could stretch it to an hour.

>>>INSERT TRIGGER HERE<<< My immediate, uncontrolled thought was "How do you turn a 40 minute drive into an hour? Is this what he did each day during the affair because he was talking to HER and not ready to come home to ME??" 

So of course, the feelings of rejection and ignorance, sadness and betrayal all came creeping.

I did ask him how he turned a 40 minute drive into an hour, and he said he had to swing by the main at some point today but could do it later if I wanted him to. I told him to go ahead and get it done.

Simple explanation to something as simple as my H racing home to be with me but still trying to give me enough time to be ready. 

Damn the incessant triggers....


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Tigrlily said:


> I just had one.
> 
> H texted me this morning, with "Hi Beautiful". So I responded hello, and he told me he missed me. Since I began my day telling myself that I would make an active attempt to initiate connection, I texted back "So if I took a shower and climbed back into bed, could you come home?" His response was a shocked-face emoticon, with a "YES". He said to give him 10 minutes and he'd be on his way home.
> 
> ...


I can completely relate to this. Without warning, any place, any time, any situation, and a trigger could come out of the blue. But there were times when all was especially good and we were happy and just as in your situation, one little thing gave me a trigger and ruined it for us.
Have you learned to 'control' them? They make me sick and put me in a panic and I know with time they become fewer, in between, but they are just as intense, for me.
Thanks


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Saffron said:


> I calmed down pretty quickly after getting my verification of the sound, but then I had one bummer of a realization. I'd be like this in any romantic relationship, no matter if it's my DS or someone new. There's no way I'd ever let something like that mysterious iphone sound go by someone saying, "It must've been the tv". This makes me feel like damaged goods, but I can't go back to being that person who trusted unconditionally and blindly. Seems the debris field of an affair is far and wide.


Amen to that! I describe it as a loss of innocence. I know that people are fallible now, they shouldn't be trusted. Maybe that's good in some ways, but it also sucks in many. That youthful optimism about people being trustworthy in any situation is gone.


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## Thruhellandback (Jan 8, 2012)

Yes my hubby had a trigger during a flight that completely threw him. Neither he or I expected it. We are both used to bumping into people we know during the Xmas/Easter/Summer holidays in airports. Everybody leaves and heads back to where we live at the same time. It's a mass exodus. You should see our local airport in a week before school starts. It's the best place to catch up because so many people are there. So, Long St short, it's no wonder that there are tons of people we know flying in on the same aircraft from London. 

Anyhow, I hear a man start a conversation with a woman behind me. After listening in a bit I realise she taught at the same school I did a few years back and he was a Dad of a student I knew. I turned, engaged, exchanged news and pleasanteries then turned back 10 minutes later to continue playing a game with my daughter. My husband could hear the exchange as he was seated a row in front of me with my other daughter. He said nothing let the trigger fester all day until the evening. He was so good at hiding it! but I knew something was awry. I just didn't really push it because everyone was busy unpacking and settling back in.

Later that night, When we both couldn't sleep I asked if he wanted to....and he said in a sad voice "I'm just not up to it." Hmm that's weird thought I. I dragged it out of him but the poor guy had been spiralling all day into a dark and negative place. 

I feel helpless and frustrated that I don't ever seem to have the words to help. He says that I do but it's still torture to see him so sad and down. Thankfully the next morning he said the cloud had lifted, and he thanked me for my compassionate ear and kind words. He said it really helped him when I went over the whole thing with him...."It's normal. It's a completely normal reaction and we must be ready for them. Stop feeling badly that you had this trigger it's only been 14 months! You were able to reason through it though and see that it was only a trigger. It's all good." I don't remember being helpful only scrambling for things to help him reason through it. 

But those triggers are nasty. THey linger and draw him down into such a dark place. THank goodness I can be something of a comfort (it helps me to know I'm doing something good after all the pain I put him through)


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

There's a couple of things that get me...

We have a favourite programme we both love watching together. It's always being repeated, back-to-back pn different channels so is on quite often.

The main female character my OH thinks is hot. It's always been a bit of a joke because he likes her and I like the main male character. Now? Hearing her accent always brings it back to me as the girl he had a thing with is from the same place and had that accent. I'm not going to stop watching just because of that so I steel myself and bear with it and it passes.

Another very recent one... I had my hair cut at the weekend. I wanted to surprise OH with a new hairstyle, one I knew he'd like. The trouble with this? The hairdo he really likes is the one the other girl had or a variation on. 

I knew way before he ever met her he liked that haircut. It was meant to be a sweet gesture to surprise him as I knew he'd love it. It looks good on me. But I just keep feeling really uncomfortable that I resemble her now. I know it sounds stupid. It's just quite far removed from how I've looked since we've been together and the fact he likes it so much makes me twist up inside. I keep thinking that when I see his work mates they're going to be taking the p*ss that I'm trying to change to look like her. I don't know if it was a good idea or not...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

tobio said:


> There's a couple of things that get me...
> 
> We have a favourite programme we both love watching together. It's always being repeated, back-to-back pn different channels so is on quite often.
> 
> ...


Oh, how so many things can change!

In the first weeks following D-Day, I was shopping and a woman of Asian descent was standing rather close to me - I guess we were both looking at the same thing. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the most negative, hateful feelings toward this person I did not know - so much so that I had to bite my tongue from saying something rude and walk away from her completely. Once I had some room and a breather, I realized it was a trigger: the OW is from Ireland, but she has an Irish mother and a Chinese father, so she has some Asian features. I was shocked at how much I felt anger toward a stranger that only shared physical features with the OW. It took me a while to even notice someone of Asian descent without being smacked in the face with thoughts of the affair. 

This also happens with TV, which has the potential to be a HUGE trigger - if anyone has an Irish accent or happens to be a pretty Chinese woman I feel repulsed and afraid at the same time...angry that I cannot even watch tv without being reminded of it and afraid that those things are making him think of her and miss her. So yes, there is no such thing as 'innocent' TV viewing anymore. (And don't even get me started on how it seems that every other movie or show deals with the topic of cheating...)

H also thinks Kate Beckensale is the BOMB. I've always found this amusing and cute. Now I just feel angry even thinking about another woman having the ability to turn him on. Before the affair, the idea of H being turned on by anyone else lived safely within the realm of our shared fantasies. Once it became a reality it all changed. I've never been a jealous person in my entire life and I hate that.

I am a big music person, and ever since I could read I've been fascinated with song lyrics. I'm more about the message than the beat. I can't tell you how many songs have completely changed meaning for me now - songs I can't listen to because the message could so plainly be from her to him, or, even worse, from him to her. I ADORE the acoustic version of the song "Everlong" (Foo Fighters), but oh my GOSH, the lyrics just kill me now.

It's the innocence lost, like others have said. I completely identify with that. Things that once were so benign have now become toxic. Everything seems to be cast in a different light.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I find the entire Foo Fighters CD "Echo, Silence, Patience, and Grace" has changed meaning for me.

I didn't realize it until I was jamming out in the car with my 2 year old and 5 year old, screaming the lyrics to "Why'd you have to go and let it die?"

Later listened to the whole CD and every song on there can be interpretted to be about infidility. 

If anyone watches the TV show Castle, this weeks episode was about a cheater who was murdered. I was watching it with the WS - Castle is literally the only TV we watch together. It was pretty funny, we started out close to each other and cuddling on the couch, and as the episode progressed and they started to talk about cheating and the reactions people would have to it, we gradually PHYSICALLY drifted apart on the couch until we were sitting on opposite ends, arms crossed in front of us, avoiding each others eye contact. I could just feel her squirming on the inside the whole time.

Finally, 40 minutes into the show, she blurts out "This is an uncomfortable Castle!"

My response: (sarcasm) "oh, you noticed....?"

In some ways I wish I would have used it as an opportunity for conversation, but I really just wanted it to be over with!!


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

Hate Hate Hate triggers. My husband had an EA and he did alot of it in the middle of the night sitting in a chair next to our bed. I threw the chair in the burn bin. If I wake up at 3AM I look at him and I am disgusted. On the weekends when he sleeps later it's the same thing because I know that previously he was sleeping in from staying up half the night talking to her. I can't let him take provocative photos of me without thinking he did that on the same nights he talked to her. I can't look at him in certain shirts that I knew he was wearing the nights he tattoooed her. I can't watch tv for the obvious reasons. (Everyone's cheating on tv)


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

lostlindsey said:


> Hate Hate Hate triggers. My husband had an EA and he did alot of it in the middle of the night sitting in a chair next to our bed. I threw the chair in the burn bin. If I wake up at 3AM I look at him and I am disgusted. On the weekends when he sleeps later it's the same thing because I know that previously he was sleeping in from staying up half the night talking to her. I can't let him take provocative photos of me without thinking he did that on the same nights he talked to her. I can't look at him in certain shirts that I knew he was wearing the nights he tattoooed her. I can't watch tv for the obvious reasons. (Everyone's cheating on tv)


Throw out those shirts! It might sound crazy, but it actually helps. After d-day I asked my H to throw all his boxers away, because he couldn't remember which ones he wore to the hotel rendezvous with OW. He has new ones now, so it's an odd comfort knowing the OW hasn't seen them. Sure she's seen his junk, but over time (especially if she's as trampy as I think she is) she won't remember one guy's unit from the next. But a pair of boxers with a silly pattern might be something that sticks in her memory.


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## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

Tigrlily said:


> Yes, throw out the shirts.
> 
> H tossed his cologne...made me sad because it was a fragrance we picked up on a 'just us' getaway and I hated that it had turned into something that reminded HER of him. We picked out a new one together.
> 
> ...


One of the other threads about triggers in CWI mentioned that you can "reclaim" things like this. 
Basically, whatever your spouse did with his\her AP, you do it or something more.

Like, if they met at a hotel, book a night at the same hotel with him.
If all they did was kiss in his truck, then maybe you can have sex in the truck. 

Sex is more powerful than kissing and you will build a more recent memory in your minds of you and him in the truck.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Great thread! It is nice knowing that I am not along in re: triggers. Dh had an EA with a filipino woman he met in Singapore. So if we are somewhere and a nice looking asian woman walks buy I always feel angry/insecure, etc. Never used to bother me before.

It is hard dealing with stuff like this now where as before I/we could watch a talk show about affairs, etc. and it didn't mean anything but now.....


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Saki said:


> If anyone watches the TV show Castle, this weeks episode was about a cheater who was murdered. I was watching it with the WS - Castle is literally the only TV we watch together. It was pretty funny, we started out close to each other and cuddling on the couch, and as the episode progressed and they started to talk about cheating and the reactions people would have to it, we gradually PHYSICALLY drifted apart on the couch until we were sitting on opposite ends, arms crossed in front of us, avoiding each others eye contact. I could just feel her squirming on the inside the whole time.
> 
> Finally, 40 minutes into the show, she blurts out "This is an uncomfortable Castle!"
> 
> My response: (sarcasm) "oh, you noticed....?"


It's weird how many movies are about infidelity that you don't realize till you deal with it. All these movies or shows we've seen since about someone cheating, it's nuts. Of course it never bothered me before, now they take on a whole new meaning. I always wonder if the writers dealt with it personally and use it to bring emotion to the screen, or if they just have no idea how it would affect people watching.

Kind of same thing happened with kids though. Now in a movie when something happens to a kid it affects me in ways it never did before.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I agree. There are triggers everywhere.  Things people say, things they insinuate, clothes and ideas and words and places, shows and movies and all kinds of things. Stuff you'd never even expect. They mess with your head if you don't acknowledge them and work through them.


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