# Is detachment necessary?



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Ok. So wanted to throw the forum a question. When one spouse becomes unsatisfied in the relationship and is considering divorce, is it necessary for the other spouse to find emotional detachment in order to take a logical look at the relationship, make rational decisions in behavior, and whether the relationship is worth saving at all?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Ok. So wanted to throw the forum a question. When one spouse becomes unsatisfied in the relationship and is considering divorce, is it necessary for the other spouse to find emotional detachment in order to take a logical look at the relationship, make rational decisions in behavior, and whether the relationship is worth saving at all?


Yes.

If you choose the alternative; pursuing, trying to emotionally over-compensate with attention, affection, and love, it has the opposite of the intended effect. The behavior rings false to the spouse that is pulling away - and makes them pull further away.

The behavior _prevents_ you from being able to take a realistic look at the dynamic of your relationship, and to what extent you believe your spouses dissatisfaction is valid, and/or if you can or want to try and address the issues.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't know that they need to detach emotionally. If they can logically and rationally look at what's happening, in spite of their emotional response, then detaching wouldn't really be necessary. But, if they are so emotional that they can't think, then they at least need to calm down, if not detach. 

At the same time, though, there is always that emotional element to relationships. It's not all logic and common sense; it's also about love, and affection, and whatever other emotions are involved. And truthfully, that needs to be looked at, too. If they look at their emotions and realize that all they feel is anger, or fear, or some other negative emotion toward their partner, then they'd have to look at why they feel that and if it can be changed. But if they still feel love, then even if logically it doesn't look worth saving, the fact that love is still there could make it worth saving.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Hmm. Interesting. I know I love my wife, but I haven't seen the results until about a month ago when I really started to detach from her. I just don't care what she does anymore on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong. I want her to get right and us to grow together, but she was dragging me into an emotional pile of crap. Only when I became detached, did I change my emotional makeup and start to see her come around. Just a real interesting thought that I would never have seen 4 months ago. Maybe even two months ago.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Funny how that works, isn't it?

When you do the very thing that you think will torpedo the relationship, it actually opens doors rather than closing them.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I would have said to emotionally detach as well. You can't think clearly when you've got emotions bouncing all over the place and clouding issues.


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## Suckerpunched (Jan 27, 2011)

I am following this thread with interest. But I have a question...

What does emotionally detaching look like to you all? 
Does it mean finding hobies/things to do away from your partner? Or giving space/alone time? Or ceasing to communicate?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Suckerpunched said:


> I am following this thread with interest. But I have a question...
> 
> What does emotionally detaching look like to you all?
> Does it mean finding hobies/things to do away from your partner? Or giving space/alone time? Or ceasing to communicate?


For me...all of the above. With the exception of ceasing to communicate. You can't STOP communicating altogether, but you can alter it.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

To have a life outside of your partner which creates a situation where you are not dependent upon their happiness for your own happiness. Personally, my wife and I are communicating much better now that I am not trying to win her. I do my thing. Take care of kids. Work around the house. Work out. What she does is her own deal. I don't care, and I show it. That is emotionally detached to me.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yes it is. In general "bad behavior" is WAY WAY more controllable than the "badly" behaved spouse likes to pretend. Being detached is a great first step. Just recognize that if your W gets "comfortable" with the current status you are going to have to "do" something to make her "uncomfortable". That may not be "nice" but neither is ignoring your marriage for an extended time while your partner provides you a comfortable life. 

Just sayin



Dedicated2Her said:


> To have a life outside of your partner which creates a situation where you are not dependent upon their happiness for your own happiness. Personally, my wife and I are communicating much better now that I am not trying to win her. I do my thing. Take care of kids. Work around the house. Work out. What she does is her own deal. I don't care, and I show it. That is emotionally detached to me.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> To have a life outside of your partner which creates a situation where you are not dependent upon their happiness for your own happiness. Personally, my wife and I are communicating much better now that I am not trying to win her. I do my thing. Take care of kids. Work around the house. Work out. What she does is her own deal. I don't care, and I show it. That is emotionally detached to me.


Have a question? How are you being yourself around your wife if you have to detach or play games to get her attention? Isn't this going to get old after a while if you constantly have to adjust your emotions or needs to suit your wife? It sounds to me like a temporary fix but won't last.

Emotional attached in my opinion will lead to divorce.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

When the W and I have troubles, we don't cling to each other-we go to our corners (detach) until we can approach a resolution calmly and with level heads. "Going to the cave" works well for us.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

"Have a question? How are you being yourself around your wife if you have to detach or play games to get her attention? Isn't this going to get old after a while if you constantly have to adjust your emotions or needs to suit your wife? It sounds to me like a temporary fix but won't last.:


I am definitely being myself. I'm not playing games. Problem is I was not being myself because of the emotional garbage I was being put in everyday. She was "depressed" going through individual therapy and the rejection was throwing me into not reacting according to my character. Therefore, I had to detach myself just to be me. The emotions were clouding everything, putting pressure on her, and making me not the genuine person she fell in love with. Since then, she is letting me into her heart much closer than we ever have been. Of course, no sparks or intimacy or anything of that nature. But, she is allowing me into her "inner self" and we are starting to work through her issues together. That in itself will bring the attachment back. I look forward to that day. It can't come soon enough. She just isn't ready to give anything in the relationship, and I completely understand that based upon her self esteem and mental state. I said for better or for worse. Guess it's time to prove it.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> "Have a question? How are you being yourself around your wife if you have to detach or play games to get her attention? Isn't this going to get old after a while if you constantly have to adjust your emotions or needs to suit your wife? It sounds to me like a temporary fix but won't last.:
> 
> 
> I am definitely being myself. I'm not playing games. Problem is I was not being myself because of the emotional garbage I was being put in everyday. She was "depressed" going through individual therapy and the rejection was throwing me into not reacting according to my character. Therefore, I had to detach myself just to be me. The emotions were clouding everything, putting pressure on her, and making me not the genuine person she fell in love with. Since then, she is letting me into her heart much closer than we ever have been. Of course, no sparks or intimacy or anything of that nature. But, she is allowing me into her "inner self" and we are starting to work through her issues together. That in itself will bring the attachment back. I look forward to that day. It can't come soon enough. She just isn't ready to give anything in the relationship, and I completely understand that based upon her self esteem and mental state. I said for better or for worse. Guess it's time to prove it.


Detaching could be defined differently for each of us. In my situation my husband withdrew from me physically, emotionally and became numb to me. During this time I did the "cling" thing and as you stated, my emotions ran on over drive. Since I detached and he is still not showing any effort. This is why I stated it leads to divorce, at least in my case. You can totally sacrifice all your needs and get nothing in return and continue to give to your partner but not everyone is cable of this. 

I think it is wonderful that you adapted, am being patient and love her enough to do these things. I do believe it does work in some marriage BUT certainly not all.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Ok. So wanted to throw the forum a question. When one spouse becomes unsatisfied in the relationship and is considering divorce, is it necessary for the other spouse to find emotional detachment in order to take a logical look at the relationship, make rational decisions in behavior, and whether the relationship is worth saving at all?


Yes, I'm actually in this stage now.

I have made the decision to stay (other factors involved), but am trying to detach so I can establish boundaries (which I have very little of now) and look at everything wrong in a rational manner and effect change in myself.

It's working so far...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> "Have a question? How are you being yourself around your wife if you have to detach or play games to get her attention? Isn't this going to get old after a while if you constantly have to adjust your emotions or needs to suit your wife? It sounds to me like a temporary fix but won't last.:
> 
> 
> I am definitely being myself. I'm not playing games. Problem is I was not being myself because of the emotional garbage I was being put in everyday. She was "depressed" going through individual therapy and the rejection was throwing me into not reacting according to my character. Therefore, I had to detach myself just to be me. The emotions were clouding everything, putting pressure on her, and making me not the genuine person she fell in love with. Since then, she is letting me into her heart much closer than we ever have been. Of course, no sparks or intimacy or anything of that nature. But, she is allowing me into her "inner self" and we are starting to work through her issues together. That in itself will bring the attachment back. I look forward to that day. It can't come soon enough. She just isn't ready to give anything in the relationship, and I completely understand that based upon her self esteem and mental state. I said for better or for worse. Guess it's time to prove it.


:iagree: Exactly, and this is how it works. I also said for better or for worse, so to save my sanity and still love him and care for him, I've had to instill some detachment in the relationship.

And I AM proving it - when and if he can, he will give also and that's the hope I cling to, he used to, so I know he's capable, we've just had a rough couple of years beyond either one of our control.

Good luck!


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> :iagree: Exactly, and this is how it works. I also said for better or for worse, so to save my sanity and still love him and care for him, I've had to instill some detachment in the relationship.
> 
> And I AM proving it - when and if he can, he will give also and that's the hope I cling to, he used to, so I know he's capable, we've just had a rough couple of years beyond either one of our control.
> 
> Good luck!


Great thread here! Just a thought for everyone here, when we set our boundaries and try to keep our minds away from the marriage because of any problems that spouse may have caused. Do you look forward for that spouse to contact you in anyway. Meaning, getting phone calls or text messages. Is it something you look forward too or do you want to be left alone. In my case I set my boundaries with my wife because of her lack in our marriage. I don't call her at all unless I need to ask her about our daughter. So how many of you like the attention when you are not in the wrong by getting your message across in not contacting your spouse on a daily routine. Great thread !!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

I would be lying if I said I didn't look forward to her call or her initiating conversation. However, I use that happiness to to make my responses happy and upbeat. She is starting to get that I am happy with myself and what I'm accomplishing as a man. Of course, we still live in the same house, share the same bed with no intimacy whatsoever. We went out with the kids last night for sushi and had a blast. Things are coming back. Of course, I'm a different man now. She has got to find it within herself to meet me halfway. Let's see if she can do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

peace said:


> Great thread here! Just a thought for everyone here, when we set our boundaries and try to keep our minds away from the marriage because of any problems that spouse may have caused. Do you look forward for that spouse to contact you in anyway. Meaning, getting phone calls or text messages. Is it something you look forward too or do you want to be left alone. In my case I set my boundaries with my wife because of her lack in our marriage. I don't call her at all unless I need to ask her about our daughter. So how many of you like the attention when you are not in the wrong by getting your message across in not contacting your spouse on a daily routine. Great thread !!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I used to check in with my husband every day (for medical reasons also), and quit doing this almost 2 weeks ago. I noticed that he WAS taking his meds and was eating, so I didn't need to check in and act like his mother.

Interestingly enough, he is now calling me. Friday he mentioned that I didn't call him a hundred times and what was up - I told him, well, you're a big boy and don't need me calling you all the time to which he responded, I agree, but what made you stop and I said, thought I would throw you a surprise and I ended the discussion.

But do I feel better when he calls me instead? Sure I do. It means that he is thinking of me instead of just himself.

He's been extremely self-focused since his brain injury, which is understandable in his therapist's words, but its time that I am focused on too, if not by him, then myself and that's what I'm working towards.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Funny how it works ive started to do what she has been doing chatting social networking & boy it pisses her off,why should she care I asked? she said she dont & it makes her look bad? lol really so all the times I was disrepected that was fine?????


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