# She say I am controlling



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Almost in any argument that we have, my wife says that I am controlling. 

Here is her favorite: 

"Before marriage, I was this happy, confident girl, and now I am here, no friends and feel like worth nothing."

Well, I do believe she is right about the second half, and feel horrible for it. Yet, IMO, I have nothing to do with this and can't fix it unless she decides to.

So finally, last night, I asked her:

Did I ever force you to stay home?
Did I ever stopped you from doing something you wanted?
Did I ever tried to control you with money, restricting your spending?
Did I ever said comments that made you feel that you are worthless, i.e. how not capable, or not good looking, or anything like that?

The answer was basically no for almost all of it, but a half "no" because she had a hard time admitting that I am right. I wasn't surprised. I know myself. I am not a control freak, and would try not to comment even when I think she is doing something stupid or wrong.

So now prey tell: am I controlling?

Is this my fault that I begged you to go out with your friends... but you said you would rather stay home?

Is this my fault that I beg you now to hire a babysitter and go have a good time, even going shopping by yourself, just go get some fresh air... and you refuse?

No. It's not.

Thank you for listening.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What is your story? Married how long, ages, kids?


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

7 years, 3 kids


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Married 7 years, 3 kids (I'm assuming all under the age of 7). Sounds like mommy burnout to me. 

Best case, it's a cry for attention and she isn't sure how to express it. By starting an argument with you she at least gets a conversation going.

Worst case, she has decided for whatever reason she wants out of the relationship and she is trying to make it your fault. Because, let's face it, "I" am never wrong, so it must be "your" fault.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

joshbjoshb said:


> So finally, last night, I asked her:
> 
> Did I ever force you to stay home?
> Did I ever stopped you from doing something you wanted?
> ...


Vega


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Did your wife have a few friends when you two were dating? Does she see them still? Has she made new friends in the last 7 years?

I have been in situations where the guy I was dating would chase off friends. Maybe it was subconscious, but the more friends one has, the more that person can be influenced. An early warning signal of an abusive partner, is that they cut their partner off from their friends and family.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> 7 years, 3 kids


Married 7 years with 3 kids.
If all these kids came after marriage then that would be an average of 1 kid every two years .
She hardly had time for fun or to recuperate before she got pregnant again. 
Your situation sounds as if your wife is badly,burnt out.

Seems the kids and family has taken over her life, she no longer has a life.
It may just be that she needs you to help her with the kids, so that she can have some time for herself.
She might be thinking her life is slipping away.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

So no, not really. She never was interested to go out with friends, even before our first kid was born. I used to tell her "why won't you go out and enjoy" but she said "I would rather stay home... don't like to be out till late, I have work tomorrow" etc. 

This has nothing to do with children.

Did she have friends before? She did, but I always feel like there were there just to "fill" the void of a husband, and once I came in she thought that I there is no really need for them.

Yet she blames me for it.

I think that she has a codependency issue. I am trying to encourage her as much as possible not to rely on me, to do things on her own, go enjoy yourself but she doesn't.


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

Hey Josh. Ditto what people have said about her being burned out from 3 kids in 7 years - she's probably exhausted, maybe even has postpartum depression.

I've been in your wife's shoes. Can't take criticism, or at least not from my husband. The slightest comment would make me bristle, and sometimes I'd turn it into a fight. It took me a long time to realize what I was doing.

I did a lot of reading up on accepting criticism and learned that, when H would point out something that I do or say or whatever, I didn't hear the message, all I heard was criticism of me personally. It helped a lot for me to learn how to separate my ego from what he was saying, so that I could see his words for their true intention.

Unfortunately for me, once I was able to step back and see what H was actually saying, I realized that a) a lot of times he had very valid points about ways in which I can do things better, and b) every once in a while he'd use criticism to hurt me - he'd pick a time and place and manner and subject that he could be pretty sure would devastate me. 

What was happening in b) made it very hard to accept criticism from him at all, even if it was as intended in a).

The other thing I learned is that sometimes when I just needed a listening ear, my husband would try to offer opinions and advice that made me feel like he just wanted to swoop in and "fix" me, as opposed to just simply support me. That was very frustrating for me, emotionally, when I looked to him for connection and felt "examined" instead.

I recently learned about this Drama Triangle, or Victim Triangle theory, which I find very fascinating - google Lynne Forrest (I've been posting about this on other threads too, because I think it really helped me).


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You know me... I'm blunt.

The fact that you would post a thread and ask opinions about whether or not she is right ... is telling. 

How you take that is up to you, not trying to be judgemental. Just honest.

One more thought.... I'm sure she would love to do all those things you mentioned.

I would be inclined to guess that she wants to do them with YOU.
And that might be the root of it all.

When one is feeling disonnected from their spouse, it's hard to think of going out with friends, if you are wishing you could do those fun things... with your spouse.
Food for thought. peace.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Urban said:


> I recently learned about this Drama Triangle, or Victim Triangle theory, which I find very fascinating - google Lynne Forrest (I've been posting about this on other threads too, because I think it really helped me).


I want to say a big THANK YOU for posting ^^^this.
I Googled it and went to the website.
And it does explain quite a lot. Its an interesting theory that makes a lot of sense.
I have seen that type of dynamic in many different relationships
[ not our marriage ], even here on TAM and I always wanted to find out exactly what causes it.
I was able to get the answers from that bit of info you posted.
Again,
Thank you!:smthumbup:


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

But if you weren't she'd be calling you a wimp and telling you to take her anyway.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I have to update you.

So, I am at a point that really can't take it anymore. I am reading material about emotional abuse and think that this is exactly the situation I am in.

I contacted someone to recommend a good IC in my area. I will need to travel about 2 hours to get there, so hopefully next week.

Meanwhile, all day yesterday I was kind of by myself. Not rude or anything, just very very low key.

The end of the day, this is the conversation we had.

She: I want to talk to you.
Me: Coming, sitting. Yes.
She: I think that what you do is very cruel to me, and you have a lot of issues, and you should seek IC even if we don't go to MC (did I say already that she refuses to go to MC?)
Me: I agree. In fact, I worked on it today.
She: What? what did you do?
Me telling her the name and my plan to go (I have no problem telling that).
She is kind of freaking out. She wants to know how much did I tell the person who I already contacted, and what do I think I will get out of this or am I planning a divorce.
Me: my intention and hope is to work on this marriage.

She: I can't deal with how you behaved today. Maybe go somewhere else until you can be back normal.
Me: maybe it's an idea. But just remember that I didn't do anything wrong to you today. I need my space, and I am working on myself for the better of us, hopefully. 
She: but you are so focused on yourself and don't even care about me.
Me: well, could be because I am going through inner turbulence. I will try to be less ignoring of you tomorrow.

So this morning she already managed to pick a fight. She asked me about going and getting something for me. Honestly I don't want her to do anything for me and try to "bribe me". I just need some breathing space, so I said no thanks (no any bad feelings, or any bad voice - just no thanks). She got upset and started saying how long will this hell continue and blah blah. I said that I need more space right now, and she has to be patient. 

I wonder if she knows what it means.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife is longing for something.

She is longing to feel loved.. to feel valued... to feel important ... to feel she is on the right track and road... to feel that the kids will turn out OK...

She will not generate these feelings in herself.... Your job as a husband is to make her feel these things...

Think about SEX... you can attempt to generate sexual fulfillment by yourself, but it sure is alot better when your wife is providing it to you.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Your wife is longing for something.
> 
> She is longing to feel loved.. to feel valued... to feel important ... to feel she is on the right track and road... to feel that the kids will turn out OK...
> 
> ...


She does! But she refuse to give anything in return! And I am sick and tired from being the one giving, and having to always "understand" her while she never does understand me! Or giving flowers, gifts, etc, while I rarely get back! Or talk nicely to her while she rarely does to me!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Google love languages. Try to get your wife to take the test too. Once you both identify your primary love languages use them.

Express your love to her in her primary love language.

Have her express hers for you in yours. 

For example, my primary love language is quality time. Bottom of my list is gift giving. My wife's primary is gift giving and bottom of hers is quality time.

So, even thought receiving a gift doesn't mean much to me, when she gives me one. I appreciate it, and show that appreciation. Although my wife would be happy if I just gave her some flowers then got back outside to do some yardwork, she spends time with me. Understanding each other's love languages helps us make sure we are expressing our love in a way the other will feel it, and not stomping all over the others expressions of love without even realizing it.


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I want to say a big THANK YOU for posting ^^^this.
> I Googled it and went to the website.
> And it does explain quite a lot. Its an interesting theory that makes a lot of sense.
> I have seen that type of dynamic in many different relationships
> ...


Wow, cool, Caribbean Man. I've come to TAM looking for answers, so I'm really glad I was able to give back in some way


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
I can understand how you feel.
You are wanting space, she offered to help you.
"you are not doing anything wrong to her" is a mindset of right and wrong. You are both stuck in it.

I have a hard time letting people help me. Even if they are reaching out, wanting to be helpful, it can be hurtful to turn them away. And it can become the default state of mind. 

Is it that you are bitter and don't want her to do anything for you? Possibly, and quite understandibly.
Is that taking space?
What does taking your own space really mean?

At first, it possibly means revenge. Being just as cold as the other person was. 

But it's hard to go to 50,000 feet and work on yourself if you are doing that. I hope the IC goes well, baby steps.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

josh

Seems to me your wife is looking for excuses to push you out of the marriage and seeking to blame you for it.

When you tell her you went to IC and your desire is to work on the marriage, that is where the lightbulb should have went off if she wants to keep the marriage as well.

But she didn't she kept trying to think of negatives to blame you for.

Is there a chance when not with you that she may be seeing someone else? Not saying that is whats happening, but it brings back memories to when I was married.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> She does! But she refuse to give anything in return! And I am sick and tired from being the one giving, and having to always "understand" her while she never does understand me! Or giving flowers, gifts, etc, while I rarely get back! Or talk nicely to her while she rarely does to me!



Yeah to be honest , I;d be reading her like that too. She sounds extremely me , me, me me and messed up.
Even the IC , she almost sounded jealous or something , she should've been proud of you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You know the core problem at this point.

Both of you wishes the other were different.

She is far more vocal and disrespectful than you are, but the dynamic is the same.

Dynamic can't possibly change as long as you both continue to feed it.

I appreciate the amount of time you have spent here learning. But with that learning you must surely realize by now, that you cannot change her. Nor are you responsible for her 'crazy' no matter how loud she yells, or how often she points the finger at you.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Deejo said:


> You know the core problem at this point.
> 
> Both of you wishes the other were different.
> 
> ...


Yes. I am going to open another thread where I have some more insights.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

dusty4 said:


> josh
> 
> Seems to me your wife is looking for excuses to push you out of the marriage and seeking to blame you for it.
> 
> ...


I don't think so for a second. In fact, I know that her pushing me away is because she is so not secure, she simply can't believe anyone really loves her!


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Acoa said:


> Google love languages. Try to get your wife to take the test too. Once you both identify your primary love languages use them.
> 
> Express your love to her in her primary love language.
> 
> ...


I did. It came out that she doesn't really have any one particular love language - not even 2. All of them got the same points.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Your wife is longing for something.
> 
> She is longing to feel loved.. to feel valued... to feel important ... to feel she is on the right track and road... to feel that the kids will turn out OK...
> 
> ...


I'm not sure how an insecure person can be made secure someone else. It seems in this situation there is always a reason for insecurity. Being controlled, no friends, telling the new counselor too much info, etc. Just seems like there will always be an issue. Not sure how you combat that as a husband until she begins combating that within herself.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Kobo, you are spot on.

I think it's very wrong to say to any spouse "you supposed to make your SO *feel* this or *become* this."

You can inspire change in many ways. You cannot change anyone even one bit.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

BTW I opened a new thread "when your wife act like a child"


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