# What is your opinion, what would you do?



## Confused 14 (Oct 10, 2013)

Heres my dilemma:

I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 4, we have 2 children 11 and 2.

Before marriage - I cheated on my husband, my then partner, 2 years into our relationship and I told him about it. I know what I did was wrong, our sex life was barely existent and I craved the attention and just wanting to be wanted and loved and found that. No excuse on my part I KNOW.
He eventually took me back after alot of heartache and alot of tear filled talks.

My husband has preferred to relieve himself by looking at porn, this has been ongoing since near the beginning of our relationship to a few months ago, I told him as long as it didn't affect our sex life, I could put up with it. It got worse when the ease of access from the arrival of the "Internet".
It obviously affected our sex lives, as he would even watch porn and relieve himself while I was sleeping right next to him, or anytime during the day, if I was in the next room.

Sometime early years into our relationship, I discovered that the porn my husband preferred was "transexuals", I knew in myself that this could mean there was a question about his sexuality. But he assured me that it was fantasy and NOT something he wanted in real life. 
Through his emails I discovered that he had made a chat room profile, listing that he was bisexual, looking for men.
For some stupid reason, me loving him so much, I decided to marry him, although knowing of his interests. 

Fast forward to now ... and how our life has been for at least the past 8-10 years.
Our barely existent sex life consists of oral sex for him, although this is not my preference, but because I knew that if I did it I would be given some attention too. His other preference is anal. So knowing that he was looking at transexual porn, created a profile as a bisexual and his sexual interests/preferences with me were blowjobs or anal, I knew I was fighting a losing battle, but I chose to stay and hope for the best. Hoping that he would/could change.
We have had many, MANY conversations on his sexual preference, we were very open about it, and I have always been very understanding that he may be bi-curious/bi-sexual/gay??? Just have the decency to be honest with me.

A few nights ago I returned from grocery shopping, to find my husband gone and a random phone number scribbled on a piece of paper.

I knew right away that he HAD to have gone to meet "someone". I confronted him this night when he got home.
I told him that if he was only chatting to someone, because he was in the house alone, why did he leave the house to talk, and that I knew he had met someone, and after alot of denial he finally admitted it. I asked him if it was a guy, and he said yes. I know how hard it would have been for him to admit that yes he met up with someone and yes it was a male  

He admitted that he had received a blowjob from a male this night, but that they looked like a female.

I guess I am here for some advice/input from other people, I know this may sound odd, but I am more hurt by the fact that he cheated on me while we are married, I thought that we both took our marriage vows very seriously.
I know alot of you may judge me, and may think I am hypocritical because I cheated first, but as crazy as it sounds, we are MARRIED now and we have been together for 15 years, which means so much more, and you expect it to be forever, and the betrayal and sadness that I feel is painful. I want to hate him, I want to be angry, but all I feel right now is sad. Sad that he actually did it, I told him, that I thought because we were married, I would never have to worry about him doing anything, I thought it was a given safeguard when you take that step with someone, obviously marriage does not have the same values to him as it does to me, like I thought it did.


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

Wow...I don't know what to think. 
For one, I'm thinking 'how can you compete with that!' 
Two; I'm thinking you better get tested...STD's?
Third; he's gay.
Sorry that you are going though all this...the masterbating beside me in bed would be a deal breaker.... 
Forgive yourself from your past...you've earned it.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You did a Judy Garland and a Liza Minnelli.

You did not marry a straight man. I never knew a young single guy that did not say I do not want to get laid Saturday night.

I did not know a young guy that if a hot girl walked by that he would not say boy would I love to go out with her.

I never new a young guy that said transsexuals are hot. I wish that SHIM would give a BJ.

So a big red flag when a guy has a low sex drive. It is one thing to not push a girl that does not want to give up her virginity but a normal guy is still trying to get as much action short of going all the way.

I doubt your WH will ever go straight so I advise that you get a lawyer and divorce him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm just trying to understand how many big red warning flags you drove past to get where you are now. But now that you're here, if I was in your shoes I'd be getting a divorce. You're obviously not his sexual cup of tea. Your trust is (justifiably) shot. So stick a fork in it and try to divorce amicably for the sake of the kids. 

Just my $0.02 worth...

C


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

At this point in your relationship, IMHO it might be best to deal with the matter at hand (no pun intended...) than to go back in time and try to figure out WHY you're in the position you're in. 

Beating yourself up over your affair, staying with him, and even marrying him with the knowledge you had, won't do anything for you RIGHT NOW. 

The chances that your h. would change on his own is slim to none. The chances that your h. would change with therapy, aren't much better. He REALLY has to believe that there's something 'wrong' with him AND that he wants to do something about it. Does that sound like him? If I had to guess, probably not.

You have to make some tough choices, but please don't let your guilt over your affair get in the way of providing a safe and stable atmosphere for your children. I think you already know what you have to do...

Nuf sed.

Vega


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Honestly I'd be getting out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And you have children. Oh, dear.

Had you considered counselling, at lease to work out how to proceed as either a couple or as separate co-parents?


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## Mzflower (Aug 3, 2013)

Sorry you are going through this. As "the road" above said, the low sex drive at home is a red flag. You don't go out looking for sex if this is the case. I guess a guy can be "bisexual" but cheating is cheating. Soliciting for sex is dangerous and if he went this far, he will do it again...it's one thing to watch porn and fantasize, but he crossed over to meeting a stranger...that's scary and you need to get tested ASAP. I'm so sorry


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## garykmjp (Oct 11, 2013)

So stick a fork in it and try to divorce amicably for the sake of the kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I doubt that this is the first time he's met a man for sex. And I doubt that it has always been for BJ's. 

This is just the first time you caught him.

You do really have two things to be upset about. Yes he cheated on you. He is most likely a serial cheater who has done this through your entire relationship.

Secondly, he's gay. He has deprived you of a normal sex life for years. Nothing but BJ's and anal. What a horrible sex life for you. 

I think your marriage is over. 

make sure you get STD tested and then no more sex with him. He's engaging in the most high risk type of sex encounters there are.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why the hell are you guys together?

I mean he's bi and you like some strange.

Granted your contract with your old man is only 4 years old, but geeze you've been together for along time and yet the both of you can't seem to be on the same page?

I'm curious, after 15 years why take vows in front of family and friends?

This question is for both of you!

Really...what was it??????


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## Confused 14 (Oct 10, 2013)

Firstly THANK YOU, to all the feedback/opinions/support.

Being new to this, I had typed a really long reply and pushed the wrong button and lost it .. ugghhhhhh. 

So firstly, I don't know why we stayed together so long, why we are still together or why, why, why.

I am not blind or stupid, I do realise what I have put up with and have been living with. I guess we both just wanted things to be 'normal' and work out.

I know that he is struggling with his sexuality, and I want to help him through it, he is my husband, the father of my children and my best friend for the past 15 years, as much as I would like to, I cant just switch it off.

Obviously we have ALOT of history together. And its hard to just stop caring.

I know that he has tried so hard to fight the urges the bi-sexuality/gay feelings that he has, and I can imagine what he is going through also. It is a massive step for him to come out and admit it. He has tried so hard to be 'normal'. But after what happened the other night, I guess it is how it is, and I can't help or change him, he is who he is.

He is remorseful of his actions, behaviour, he has organised for us to see a counsellor next week, not to reconcile the relationship, but to help us understand. I know that he is remorseful because, he did not really get caught, he could have lied his ass off but chose to admit to it, when given the opportunity, knowing what the outcome would be.

He needs help with his sexuality and I need help as to why I am not angry. The stupid thing is, I am unsure about talking to a counsellor is because I am scared they tell me that it is fixable??? WTF ... I don't want it to be fixed because I am scared that we will stay together AND it will arise in a few years again!! I guess you may think that I am stupid for even contemplating the idea of a relationship in the future, I am guessing that its still early days yet, and thats a part of why I am still soooo confused???? I am hoping to see if by talking to someone next week my feelings will have changed, or once the reality after the initial aftershock has really kicked in, my feelings will change.

I WANT to hate him, but I cant. The only emotion i feel is betrayed and sad and hurting regarding the whole situation.

I don't want you to think I am making excuses for him, because I am not, I know what he has done, and despite his being with a man part, its the actual CHEATING that hurts the most.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are not getting physical satisfaction---you are mentally being destroyed---you live in a miserable existence---and probably are staying for the sake of your kids

Don't do that---they will be fine, in a split situation

You need to consider yourself 1st and foremost---you are no good to anyone, in your present mental state

You need to end this mge---and start living a normal life---eventually you will find a good loving decent partner---

This is now about what's best for you---living in misery is not what is best for you


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Confused:

If you are having anal sex with him, you are at very high risk of contracting aids from him should he catch it after one of his trysts. 

I am so so sorry you have to deal with this. I know you love him. I can see that by your words. 

Still, can you co parent and remain good friends only. 

Please do not continue to have sex with him. 

Perhaps alternatively if you can stand it, you can have an open relationship in which you can also have a physical relationship and then stay married in name only and live together as siblings.

BTW, it is highly unlikely, but remotely possible, that counseling can change his sexual preference. 

You need to ask the therapist what he thinks is at the root of your husband's sexual preference. .

If it is genetic, he can NOT change


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Confused,

You need to focus on what your life would be like going forward if you stay with your husband. You seem to be in a fog right now. There is absolutely no reason to be sympathetic toward him. He broke you marriage vows, he's a reluctant and terrible lover, and he's a dangerous health risk to you. He's broken and you can't fix him.

If you want to help him get counseling, fine. But help yourself first. Get out of the marriage and find someone who loves you and likes women. Do it before you get an STD.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You don't need to be angry. You just need to let go of each other and move on. Accept reality, accept who he is. You'll both end up better off. You'll probably cycle through the full range of emotions, but just try to focus on moving ahead and healing yourself. You can't change the past, you cant change him, but you can change your situation. You've been betrayed, it hurts, but maybe as one who has been the betrayer, you'll have a bit of an easier time accepting the failability of another human. Maybe not. Still, move on, get divorced, be the best parents you can, and strive to heal.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

A MC is a waste of time, money and energy. Sexual orientation can't be "fixed". He is gay and in denial. 

Gather up your courage open up the closet and tell him to get out and keep going out the front door. 

Get to a Dr., and stop servicing him. Get a counselor for yourself so you can move forward out of this mess.

Sorry, this can't be fixed and you know you deserve better.


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## Confused 14 (Oct 10, 2013)

So heres an update ... brace yourselves -

I guess hes realised its over & has openly answered EVERY question I have asked him ... over the past few nights, who knows if its still the whole truth. 

So I have now found out that he has also performed bjs on his encounters & has had full blown sex with a tranny/male FARRRKKK!! He has continuely been cheating throughout our relationship, with female & males  UGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Surprisingly I am still not angry???? Not feeling ANYTHING really!!  I guess I will be going through all the emotions soon enough. We are going to a counsellor because obviously we both have our own issues, NOT to reconcile the marriage, chances of that are zero to none! the time & money IS worth it as this is what will help us especially him be better parents to our children. At the moment I am just so confused of how & why we are where we are but dont worry, it is not something I dwell on. Hes also admitted to tranny/men affairs BEFORE we met, I told him what a selfish arsehole he is to have wasted 12 years of my life, knowing full well what he is!!!! Sooo selfish that he actually took vows & got married (i get it was him trying to be 'normal') but effin find someone else to be your guinea pig! I told him what a selfish arsehole he is for getting married & then bringing another life into this world (which we have no regrets for, of course) I know I cant fix him or help him. I guess I'm happy for him that he is finally reaching out for help.

Again, I am not making excuses for him, but I can see how he is how he is from his upbringing in general. And I have also thought that although you had a shyte upbringing you can choose to follow that path or not, hence another reason he stayed, not wanting his son to grow up without a father as he did.
From our long winded conversations he has sooooo many other issues of his own, being sexually abused at a very young age by older neighbourhood kids, his father leaving him & his twin brother from finding out that his mother was cheating, then the death of his twin brother at a very young age & not being allowed to talk about it, so much he has kept inside him & tried to shut out & forget or pretend. He has said that he does not know how to love as he wasn't brought up in a loving environment, from the death of his twin brother & not being allowed to express or talk about it, he has barricaded a wall around his heart & feels that half of him as a whole is missing, the hurt & pain from losing his twin brother & not being able to express his feelings has made him into the person he is today, I told him that in order for him to heal he needs to love himself! Otherwise he will always feel unworthy of anyone elses love. He knows this too. Hes told me that meeting me & my family, when we took him in, he saw what a loving environment/family life is meant to be like & wanted it so bad for us & our children, thats why I have said earlier that I KNOW that the reason this has been going on as long as it has is because he has truly tried to be -normal' but obviously, he cant hide/deny it any longer. I am glad I found out everything now, because I dont think he would have ever told me & we would have continued to live the life he 'wants' to live while feeding his urges on the side.

Like I said, I am NOT making excuses for him but I can see & have known about all these underlying issues/experiences hes been through.

He thinks that maybe the bi/gay tendencies are stemmed from the child abuse.
I told him that I was not minimalising the sexual abuse on him as a child, but MAYBE just maybe, this is who he is, bi/gay? 
I have always believed that you are not born gay/bi but choose to follow that path, I no longer believe that as he & I are living proof of that, the struggle & effort he has put in to pretending/trying to be a straight husband & father during our 15 years together is proof, that it doesn't matter HOW much you want something to be, if you are bi/gay, it is NOT a choice, it is how you were created.

Thanks again for all the feedback, I know I deserve better & I know he cant be 'fixed' but as my best friend & father of my children, in the process of healing myself I will continue to support him if needed to help make him a better person for our childrens lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused 14 (Oct 10, 2013)

Also regarding anal sex, I do realise the dangers of this especially with male to male encounters, i just wanted to clarify that when I referred to bjs & anal this was not a common/regular thing, but I meant it was his preference, i hope that makes sense lol I mean he tried & I declined kinda thing, so obviously he had to use another port of entry ... eewwwww sorry for the TMI ... just wanted to clear that up, thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Confused 14 said:


> he could have lied his ass off but chose to admit to it...


Which lie are we talking about?

The 15 year lie of making you perform pseudo gay sex for him while he thought of men? All the time telling you he was straight?

All of the times he snuck out for sex with men and didn't tell you (you talk about the tip of an iceberg! do you have ANY IDEA how easy it is to find gay sex?).

I'm a little sick of gay cheaters getting out of it because they were "confused". He is not only a cheater, he has had A LOT of anonymous gay sex. Plus, he went into this facade of a marriage with a lie. He took down an innocent woman and brought children into this mess. 

No mercy for him. And as for you, I'm not sure you can stay. Were some of these people recommending counceling for HIM so he can figure out his sexuality? That sounds downright...politically incorrect.

Dump his ass and out him.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I'm just tying to understand if you would have been so understanding and forgiving if it was all women he slept with under the same circumstances.

Don't bother. I know the answer. Good luck to you. Don't dig any more into his secret life. You've heard enough. There is no need for the full truth to come out.


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## Confused 14 (Oct 10, 2013)

MrK -

I know the whole relationship was/has/is a lie, I mean, that when confronted this time round, hes finally ADMITTED to it all, instead of continuing this lie.

Regarding your question if it had all been female what would my response be, I guess what you are thinking is exactly right ... NO WAY, NO MERCY, NO UNDERSTANDING!! 
I think from finding that little bit of information out tonight, that there were also female affairs, kinda really made it hit home for me. Hes just a cheater, whether male or female. If it was only males then as bad as it is, there feels 'less' betrayal, because there was nothing that I could offer him, but then upon finding out that there were females too, there is no reasoning, sound or not for it. He had a willing loving woman at home and still chose to go outside the home. 

I mentioned earlier that he had organised counselling for us next week. In NO WAY is it to reconcile the marriage, more an outlet for us to talk to someone unrelated to the whole situation. A few posters were saying that it was a waste of time and money, or that counselling was not going to help 'fix' him into becoming a loving straight husband, but I think that counselling will help him process everything, which he is going to need if he wants to be half a decent father, which is what I want, if its possible. I mean, if he is mentally unstable, and cant cope with whatever (not suicidal) then my children will be the ones that suffer. The counselling on his part is not to find his sexuality, as that on its own is pretty darn obvious, it is for him to sort all his issues while growing up that have moulded him into who/what he is today. 

Despite how he has treated me, he has always been a wonderful father, and I guess I don't want things to change with their relationship even though, him and I will no longer have a relationship. And NO there is NO WAY that I can stay with him.

I absolutely LOVE the way you worded this part, I don't love what it means but love the way its worded -

He took down an innocent woman and brought children into this mess.
------------------------------
And I totally agree with you how bi-gay married men use there confused sexuality as an excuse to cheat. Cheating is cheating, whether male, female, cat or dog, no excuses. Its NOT a sexuality issue, its just their type of personality!!

thanks!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Confused 14 said:


> So h
> Thanks again for all the feedback, I know I deserve better & I know he cant be 'fixed' but as my best friend & father of my children, in the process of healing myself I will continue to support him if needed to help make him a better person for our childrens lives.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Girl you are one hard @ss chick...I mean when others would want to kill this phucker you think of one thing and on thing only and thats your kids having a father...

Thats bad @ss girl!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

From what you wrote I summarize it as

- he's been cheating and unfaithful to you continuously since you've known him.

- he blames everything in his life for why he does what he does. Everything except himself. That's not the behavior of someone with attraction to others, that the behavior of someone with psychological problems that has them view their self as always the victim, and never ever responsible for their choices.

He may have has crappy things happen in his life. Who hasn't. The difference is good folks take responsibility for their lives and choose to live them with integrity and honesty.

Your husband has instead chosen to be the victim and to use other people - like you.


My advice - dont waste a dine or hour of time of counseling. Instead get a darn great lawyer, file for D and file for full custody because your child should not ever be exposed to his lifestyle choice and frankly your husband should not be allowed a child.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The thing is, he chooses not to be a better person. He chooses to do what he wants and he blames others for his choice.

All the therapy in the world inst going to install honesty, integrity, or responsibility in him.

It's not that he's broken, it's that he's selfish and compassionless.


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## Confused 14 (Oct 10, 2013)

THE GUY-
Lol thanks! Nah not badass, stupid maybe? 
I guess I want what everybody thats in a seperation/divorce situation that involves children, to do whatever is best for the children, and whatever will make the process a little smoother for the children, even if only temporarily. 
THANKS 

SHAGGY -
I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from and definately agree with you and what everyone else said. Yes, he had a shyte upbringing but he chose to live his life how he has, I no longer feel sorry for him, because as bad as his upbringing is, he CHOSE to go out and cheat on me repeatedly. I agree with everything that you have said, from him playing the victim, to blaming everything else except himself. I GET IT AND OVER IT. The more time that I have had to contemplate everything, today being the 5th day, the more and more things are making sense to me. 

Your second reply sums everything up in one!
Hes selfish and compassionless!!! Which is what I am realising as each day goes by, only someone so heartless and selfish could live a life that he has been livng and dare to bring other people into his mess of a life. (Meaning me and the kidlets)

I guess the only thing I would disagree with is trying to get full custody of the kidlets, due to his:

"choice of lifestyle he should should not be allowed children or they should not be exposed to his lifestyle"

His lifestyle or choice of lifestyle is not up to me to decide, if its better to have him in the childrens lives for them, then that is what I will do, obviously if I see having him and his lifestyle in their lives to be a problem I will make that call.


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## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

It does sound a bit like me - my husband I know now is only really into men dressed as women, and being forced, he has always told me he had a low sex drive, in faxct every excuse going, any sex we had very often was on his terms, I feel as if I was groomed looking back, to accept that as my lot. I was made to feel as if I was the abnormal one wanting too much sex, so I ws left frustrated while he got his fix online,phoning or probably worse during our early years. I was so naïve regarding the persona he put on - I know that it is so easy to say break up - but from the inside you spend so much time in denial, in a fantasy world where you still believe they will change, that they must love you coz you married - I have been in a cycle of denial, and reality for years and although I know the future looks bleak, I still cant find courage to think about divorce.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*Despite how he has treated me, he has always been a wonderful father, and I guess I don't want things to change with their relationship even though, him and I will no longer have a relationship. And NO there is NO WAY that I can stay with him.*

And what a great example this wonderful father is to his children after D. A lying, cheating, person. A fine example. Though it is often impossible to keep parents away from their children, stop denying the fact that your husband is a terrible role model.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here. At first you have to deal with the cheating and then that he is bi. I really have a lot of experience with this in my own family and all of it bad. yes today he seem like a wonderful Father but your kids will grow up and they will find out that he is bi and you put up with it. Not a good example for the kids and a horrible way to live your life.

When the kids get older and find out they may resent him and what he is doing. This is not a big life time movie about a modern family and it all works out. Their will be turmoil and this will also evolve into your kids acting out in the future and not in a good way.

Get yourself into IC right away and get this exposed to the family.


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