# My husband is "confused"



## mandyliza (Jan 31, 2010)

HI-

I had brain surgery for my epilepsy back in August. I'm doing well. He had a month off from school to help me recouperate. While still working a full-time job, he decided that he still wanted to take on TWO classes come September, even though I was still at home all day by myself for another month after surgery. He didn't see any problem with it. One day, he said that I was upset with him not giving me any attention and as he was saying "HEY! I stayed overnight with you at the hospital!", I said "that was then, this is now!". I apologized THEN. Although I will admit, I am still hurting from that. A month prior to surgery, he had told me he didn't know if he would be able to stay with me overnight because of work. 


Well, now he's holding this event against me. I left for a week to my father's back in Nov. when he was saying he was 'confused' and didn't know what he wanted. When I came back, he said that was the best thing we could have done. He agreed to go to marriage counseling, but while talking last night, he admited that I could see that he still wasn't TRYING to help the marriage. I am trying like hell. I'm reading books, changing what I say and do, but he admited that he really isn't. He says 'why can't we just stay positive?' 

Is it wrong to just 'stay positive' like he says? Or should he be trying AND staying positive? It just makes it sound like he doesn't want to try, and it hurts so badly. I'm not bringing up the past, because you don't get anywhere with that. So he's confusing the living daylights out of me...

Help me 

Mandyliza


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H was like this in the beginning of our marriage. He wanted me to drop my issues with the marriage for the sake of being positive. But of course nothing in the marriage bothered him because he wasnt even emotionally in the marriage. 

I dont think you should stay positive if you dont feel positive. I never did. i think i was in a bad mood for four years straight. I cant pretend to be happy. it would really bother me when he seemed so nonchalant about how i felt. i wanted him to be bothered like me. but after awhile, and doing some boundary books, i realized that if he felt ok, then i couldnt judge him for that. I had to take care of my problem, since it seemed it was solely my problem at that point. 

I decided that if he wasnt going to work on the marriage, i wasnt either. i threw away every marriage book i owned, and all my lingerie. i started picking up my own hobbies and basically ignoring him. it only took him six months to realize it. and even that was only semi-effective. But, i am happier and that is what i was going for anyway.


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## mandyliza (Jan 31, 2010)

Thank you. I definitely need to concentrate on myself more. I'm going to try at least!!!


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## rick_bachman (Jan 27, 2010)

I saw a post on another message board that I found interesting. Basically it spoke to fights and things that break up a marriage (not specific events, but in general). Each fight is a chance for the couple to grow and accept the new changes the other person wants/expects.

It appears that your husband wants space, and there are times in my relationship where the space helps you figure out what is important to you. There have been several trips where my wife has gone without me for several days, as a way to recharge our relationship.

During our last separate vacation time, I found myself going out and doing stuff, that made my wife realize that she wanted to be with me again because I wasn't boring, and I was doing stuff I enjoyed doing. 

So yes, focus on the stuff that makes you happy, if your husband misses you, then he'll try it out with you, or he'll figure out how to spend more time with you. 

Chances are he probably won't change unless his back is against the wall. I probably wouldn't push him that far unless there is no alternative. Remember if you give an ultimatum, and you do not go through with it, then it makes you look weak.


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## mandyliza (Jan 31, 2010)

I am going to visit my Grandmother and best friend at the end of February for a week. So in other words, that could be a very good thing??


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## rick_bachman (Jan 27, 2010)

Yes, that may be a good thing. Try to remember how you were when he first fell in love with you, and have a good time! I'm sure things will look different when you come back from a fun and relaxing trip. 

- If not, then keep doing stuff on your own, and grow into your own person (without the crutch of a husband)


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## mandyliza (Jan 31, 2010)

So, after our session on Monday, he finally understands after doing two classes on top of a full time job, and leaving me alone all day after going through major surgery, I felt completely abandoned. (Not on purpose of course) Now, he won't talk to me, and says that he is doing some 'soul-searching'. I'm confused and scared. What do I do??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds like he just doesn't like being told that he has done something wrong. He'd rather abandon you completely than have to admit he could have handled things better. He avoids conflict. Point that out to him, and tell him that if that's all he can do - avoid doing the hard work adults have to do - then you're better off without him. Time for a wakeup call.

You CAN survive without him. And if he's not willing to pull his 50% weight, you would likely be better off finding someone who WILL support you. Sorry, but that's what I see. My guess, his mom never made him be accountable for anything, and he simply doesn't know how.


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## mandyliza (Jan 31, 2010)

He took off to his parents' house for this weekend and when he got there he called me and left a message using his full name towards me - something he RARELY does - and his mom never made him accountable for anything, and I already know that by knowing his mother...

Oddly enough, while I wouldn't have thought this months ago, I think I can survive without him. I am starting to look at things on my own, that I will need without him, and I don't feel scared to, while I might have several months ago. 

Unfortuately, I have a feeling that his mom is going to tell him that be having the epilepsy is just a hassle and is holding him back, that me not drinking is just a hassle, etc etc... and if that's the case, then he can go.


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