# In possesion of a 14yr old



## fireguy001 (Jan 23, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years. It's been up and down like many marriages. We have no kids and don't want them for a while. 

My wife has a 14 year old sister who lives in another state with her aunt. Well, in brief, her aunt works a low-paying job for minimal hours and can't afford much of anything. She sold her car just to pay bills. 

Now, my wife wants to get her to live with us to get her out of the situation. Everyone is ok with this arrangement except for me. My wife and I make enough money to be comfortable but aren't rich by any means. When I voice my concerns over this, I am met with the response of "Well, do you want my sister to go into foster care? Do you not care about this family?"

I do care but I am 25. I have no clue/experience raising a 14yr old girl. It makes me nervous. I already work 4 jobs and this will just add more. If I stick to my guns, and tell her no, her sister could go into foster care and no doubt my wife will want to divorce. She has already told me that her sister comes before me. If I give in and let this happen, it could be a disaster and I know it may be selfish, but I will not be happy and my wife and I won't have any time to work on the problems our marriage already has. Dont know what to do!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>She has already told me that her sister comes before me<<

WHOA!!!!!!!

Sign up for marriage counseling now.

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I took in my wife's 17-year-old niece when she and her mother were coming to blows (chasing after each other with golf clubs, smashing the drywall was a nice touch).

We had her for a year.

We took her niece from all Fs flunking out to As and Bs and not being around losers dragging her down.

She did not get to live like she was before. She had chores, a curfew, and the hardest thing for her? Doing her homework--period.

It was not an option. I had to ride herd on her, but only for a short while.

She was depressed, low self esteem, and poor upbringing. She was suicidal too.

15 years later?

Best thing that ever happened in her life. She thanks me every time I see her.

I'm proud I made a difference in her life.

She has two kids, is a successful business person, and understands her mom's destructiveness visited on her as a kid.

You can do this if you stage the rescue with a point to it. And not open ended.

I forgot, we wrote down an agreement and had the kid sign it and agree to it.

her mom?

She never paid a dime towards support. I didn't think she would. But we didn't do it to ease her burden, but to rescue the kid.

I was in my mid-30s. And we had two small children of our own.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I agree with Conrad and Michzz. Having your wife say her sister is more important says a lot. Having a 14 year old sister out there who will be placed in foster care is awful. 
14 is a tough age. What happened to her parents? It sounds like she has bounced around and REALLY needs a stable home. That certainly isn't foster care but may not be in yours. 
Having said that, as Michzz said, he is proud of the difference he made in her life. Taking in a child is a big, big deal. It can also be very rewarding. You never know what influence you can have on her. 14 is the time when most girls form their own sense of self, they love, they learn, they grow to understand themselves, they rebel, they question....all of it. It is tough, no doubt about it. I will say though, foster care at her age will scar her for life. If the two of you are not able to take her in, some other part of her family needs to step up.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are only 25 and you are scared; ok. Imagine being the 14.

Although it seems "wrong" for your wife to put her sister 1st, she must in this situation, because there is NO ONE ELSE to save this child. Your wife will likely divorce you because you proved too immature to take this very adult step. And you know what? If that is what happens, that's ok--you are only 25. 

But your wife is ready to accept that responsibility, and if you are not, it is best to part ways. She would have trouble respecting you even if she did not resent you. 

If, however, you can move forward despite your fears (which is courageous of you), you will demonstrate that you are ready to take on more adult responsibilities. And by admitting your fears and accommodating them--by insisting on lots of support (through family counseling for the 3 of you, and individual counseling for the poor girl who has been put in this situation)--you will be taking steps to make sure it works.

I don't blame you for being scared and I'm not trying to call you a "coward." if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. But your wife IS. Being at such different stages is hard. If you can get past it, great. If not, please don't blame yourself or her or the child. None of you asked for this. Parting with an understanding of how we are all only able to be at the stage where we are is better than moving forward resentfully. If your knowledge of yourself says, "I can't do this yet," be ok with that. Try hard to put the fear aside and see what you think about your own abilities to cope--esp the ability to reach out for support to help you cope. If you find it, great; if not, at least you know you tried and you should give yourself credit for making the effort. Good luck.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

At your age, my wife and I raised three nieces, one after another. It was hard, but it so much, and we grew closer. That said, you need help getting to the root of her comment about her sister coming first. Is this because she already views you as being uncaring, or was it just her natural stance from the beginning?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Halien said:


> At your age, my wife and I raised three nieces, one after another. It was hard, but it so much, and we grew closer. That said, you need help getting to the root of her comment about her sister coming first. Is this because she already views you as being uncaring, or was it just her natural stance from the beginning?


That's her sister. Blood. I don't even get along with my sister (identical twin actually) but I would take a bullet for her in a second. I don't know if the OP is in a position to take care of a child but I sure hope that family steps up to help out. Foster care is without a doubt the worst place for this child and I totally understand the wife's concerns about this. Family is family. You take care of them.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

fireguy001 said:


> My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years. It's been up and down like many marriages. We have no kids and don't want them for a while.
> 
> My wife has a 14 year old sister who lives in another state with her aunt. Well, in brief, her aunt works a low-paying job for minimal hours and can't afford much of anything. She sold her car just to pay bills.
> 
> ...


 Well, whats it say about your mariage if you wife would divorce you over this issue. 

BTW rarely do these types of housguests ever leave. You will hear about sucess storys and then I can show you just as many glaring failures. 

Her sister is a problem for her parents.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

There was no mention of parents. OP said she lives with an aunt that apparently cannot afford to care for her. Family takes care of family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> There was no mention of parents. OP said she lives with an aunt that apparently cannot afford to care for her. Family takes care of family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 He doesn't need to be made to feel guilty about his desires.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Is there an expected end-date? A year? Two? It's got to me no more than 4, right?


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## fireguy001 (Jan 23, 2011)

The backstory is, her mom passed away and we never knew who the dad was. My wife's grandmother raised her for the first 10 years of her life, then her aunt adopted her and has had her for the last 4 years. I can understand how some of you are saying that I may come across as selfish, but the thing that really gets me is when my wife told me that family comes first. YES it does. But that backs me into a corner to where I feel like I have to go along with this. My wife's parents and grandparents have also passed away. That could be the reason she is sticking by her sister so much becuase blood wise, that is the only realtive she has left. I can understand that. She is just so concered with keeping her sister out of foster care but she isn't looking at the long term. Having someone live with you, costs alot of money and is a big commitment. If it works out, GREAT. If it doesn't though, we have no plan to fall back on


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You hitch up your pants and you slog it out. Be the only father in her life. Be heroic.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

fireguy001 said:


> The backstory is, her mom passed away and we never knew who the dad was. My wife's grandmother raised her for the first 10 years of her life, then her aunt adopted her and has had her for the last 4 years. I can understand how some of you are saying that I may come across as selfish, but the thing that really gets me is when my wife told me that family comes first. YES it does. But that backs me into a corner to where I feel like I have to go along with this. My wife's parents and grandparents have also passed away. That could be the reason she is sticking by her sister so much becuase blood wise, that is the only realtive she has left. I can understand that. She is just so concered with keeping her sister out of foster care but she isn't looking at the long term. Having someone live with you, costs alot of money and is a big commitment. If it works out, GREAT. If it doesn't though, we have no plan to fall back on


 these are all legitimate concerns on your part. You have a right to feel the way you do about the situation. No one may suggest otherwise. 

To me this girl sounds like a land mine waiting to go off, with her history I bet she has a list of emotional needs and desires a mile long. 

Secondly this plays to your wifes natural desire to be a mother. Shes is well removed by age from her sister. So she is feeling mommyish. 

Are you planning to have children ? this might be a good time to talk to your wife about her other motivations ? 

things are not what they always seem to be and with women, y=f


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Spend a few days volunteering with crack babies in the hospital. They didn't ask to be crack babies. No one deserves neglect. No one. Not ever.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Spend a few days volunteering with crack babies in the hospital. They didn't ask to be crack babies. No one deserves neglect. No one. Not ever.


 I spent 31 days in a NICU with my son. I know all about the situation. Secondly, sometimes nature should be allowed to take its course, as cruel as this sounds.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I guess the point is, your 8th grade niece didn't ask to have a missing dad, dead mom and a broke ass aunt. I think if she's kicked to the curb this time, she's lost forever. As in homeless strung out tricking and pregnant. I could not live with that.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I guess the point is, your 8th grade niece didn't ask to have a missing dad, dead mom and a broke ass aunt. I think if she's kicked to the curb this time, she's lost forever. As in homeless strung out tricking and pregnant. I could not live with that.


 If the aunt has had her for several years, something doesn't add up. There is plenty of financial aid for this situation. Likely this is being driven with behavioral issues and not monetary ones. 

Theres Far more to this story then we are getting. I see very common rationalizations here which to me indicates that he knows about her sister and her problems. 

I would rank them as such 

Promiscuity
Temper control
Drugs


and other socially undersireable behaviors. 

He seems genuinely concerned for his marriage but if the issue was really financial why not just throw her aunt $50 a week or something.Bringing in a sister with problems like these is like drinking marriage drano. 

Find out what state assistance is available. There is always something. at 14 things that have been done in the past are very difficult to undo and I highly doubt a 25 year old man will have the life experience to deal with a difficult emotionally troubled 14 year old girl..


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> I guess the point is, your 8th grade niece didn't ask to have a missing dad, dead mom and a broke ass aunt. I think if she's kicked to the curb this time, she's lost forever. As in homeless strung out tricking and pregnant. I could not live with that.


:iagree:


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

DepressedHusband said:


> Secondly, sometimes nature should be allowed to take its course, as cruel as this sounds.


That is just so...cold. Nature allowed to take its course? This is 14 year old girl, a living breathing human who has her entire life ahead of her, not a sick puppy or kitten. Good God.




Runs like Dog said:


> I guess the point is, your 8th grade niece didn't ask to have a missing dad, dead mom and a broke ass aunt. I think if she's kicked to the curb this time, she's lost forever. As in homeless strung out tricking and pregnant. I could not live with that.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

No one is suggesting you are being selfish. If you and your wife have very different life experiences and cannot come to an agreement on this, then it may be one of those situations where parting is better. If she wanted a baby and you didn't, that would be the only resolution. In some ways it is like that, but in other ways, of course, it is not. 

It might be really sad, but it is not a moral failing if you cannot accept this situation. 

Just do not take in the sister if you will be full of resentment about it. That will probably guarantee failure--all around. If you make your decision and your wife makes a different one, try to understand this is just one of those really tough moments in life--no one's at fault. There is no right or wrong. If you really love your wife, you will try to let go gracefully and with respect for her decision. That does not mean it won't hurt, a lot, but at 25, you have a lot of life ahead of you.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

MGirl said:


> That is just so...cold. Nature allowed to take its course? This is 14 year old girl, a living breathing human who has her entire life ahead of her, not a sick puppy or kitten. Good God.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 When a lion eats a impala is that also cold ? sometimes life is not what we percieve it to be and generally I find men are more compassionate then women.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

DepressedHusband said:


> When a lion eats a impala is that also cold ? sometimes life is not what we percieve it to be and generally I find men are more compassionate then women.


It's not a gender thing. Witness the distinctly different takes on this that you and I have arrived at possessing.

Bringing up lion's killing to eat seems nonuseful when the point of the thread is the care of a child and a man's nervousness at his role in the mess.

I took in a teenager when I could have looked away. 

I did not.

Why?

Because it was the right thing to do. 

My mother was orphaned, along with her four sisters when she was 13--during the Great Depression. She and my aunts were shuttled between relatives as little girls.

Times were tough, tougher than they are now. They only wore shoes from a block away from school so they would last longer. Nobody wore new clothes--ever. Hand-me-downs were the norm.

Someone in the family rescued her. When it could be have been otherwise.

Without going a rant, manning up, a term which seems to be bandied about here with meanings I don't get, should refer to shouldering up a burden, an obligation to family that marrying implies.

So a guy is 25 and would wish to extend his youth.

I'm 52 and wish the same thing. Oh well.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I just took in my 16 year old niece, because she had no where else suitable to go. Do I sometimes grumble about it. Sure, but so what, I get on with it and try to guide her as best I can.

I can't believe any one would suggest she should instead go to foster care.

I wonder where peoples compassion and humanity have gone.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't think it is fair to say "man up" as though there is only one right solution. I'd rather encourate the OP to let his wife go than take on a responsibility he isn't ready for. I'd respect that decision from a young man as "manning up" by honestly estimating his own abilities. 

Some 25 year olds could do this; others could not. What would be wrong is to prevent his wife from doing what she feels is the right thing or to do it only out of fear of losing his wife--a bad reason to bring a child into one's life, in any situation.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

fireguy001 said:


> The backstory is, her mom passed away and we never knew who the dad was. My wife's grandmother raised her for the first 10 years of her life, then her aunt adopted her and has had her for the last 4 years. I can understand how some of you are saying that I may come across as selfish, but the thing that really gets me is when my wife told me that family comes first. YES it does. But that backs me into a corner to where I feel like I have to go along with this. My wife's parents and grandparents have also passed away. That could be the reason she is sticking by her sister so much becuase blood wise, that is the only realtive she has left. I can understand that. She is just so concered with keeping her sister out of foster care but she isn't looking at the long term. Having someone live with you, costs alot of money and is a big commitment. If it works out, GREAT. If it doesn't though, we have no plan to fall back on


Am I right in thinking your wife gave you an ultimatum from the outset as opposed to talking about a “shared problem” between the two of you and possible solutions? That she didn’t ask you for your help and support but rather told you how it was going to be?

If your wife did give you a take it or leave it option from the outset then I understand the problem you have. This is hardly the “partnership” a marriage should be and doesn’t bode well for the future. Why? Because the two of you will not be “working as one” in helping your wife’s sister out and her sister may well see right the way throuigh that and use it to her advantage when discipline is needed. In essence, you are at the risk of being “isolated” in your own home.

I think your wife should be commended for wanting to take her sister in and take care of her but I think the way she’s gone about it is not thoughtful. In essence she’s sidelined you in the decision making and that’s likely to continue.

What can be done? If it was me I’d take my wife out for a meal to talk about it. I’d ask her how she sees things “panning out”. What has she planned about the finances, what about discipline, how does she see the affect it may have on your marriage etc. etc.

But all the while I’d be thinking in the back of my mind “****. She didn’t even ask me. She didn’t even ask what I thought about it. She didn’t ask for my help and support. What does that tell me about what my wife thinks about me? What does it tell me about what my wife thinks about marriage?”.

Bob


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

DepressedHusband said:


> I spent 31 days in a NICU with my son. I know all about the situation. Secondly, sometimes nature should be allowed to take its course, as cruel as this sounds.


I just wanted to comment on this as well, your son had you to tend to him and love him during his time in NICU.

Babies born to mothers that are not capable of being parents and also abused their bodies when pregnant can give birth to children with defects and no one is there to love them as you did your son. Unlike your son, these babies' first days of life are not only a painful struggle but also lack the crucial link to our humanity, a loving guide that is rooting and cheering them on, providing hope and support...around the clock. Instead these babies face hours alone being cared for by over burdened workers or touched (if lucky) by compassionate volunteers. 

Secondly, if we allowed nature to take its course there wouldn't be hospitals and many women would die in childbirth, men would be dying at the average age of 35 and at the age of 25 you'd be getting ready to be a grandfather, etc.

Thankfully we have larger brains than lions which leads to innovation as well as the ability to empathize with one another and recognize right from wrong.

Lastly, your comment on men being more compassionate than women...oy vey. You cannot be of sound mind and body, carry a child for nine months and have that being swim inside you, give painful birth to him/her, face all of the physical, emotional and hormonal challenges and yet still look at the gem of a child with no sleep and cracked nipples and think you're the luckiest person on Earth without knowing compassion. It is the root of the word compassion.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Fire,

It may bring financial burden, it may bring a short term chaos to your life, 

If you take her in, you might struggle. 

If you don't take her in, you are definitely going to struggle. I am on your wife's side. When she is facing such difficulties in life, she needs you to be her supporter rather than someone against her.

Money can't compare to love, if you are concerned just because of money issue, it is really not a big issue! 

Two people and three people, there isn't a big difference. 

Life is giving you an opportunity to make a difference to someone's life. TAKE IT! 

One day when you are old, you will be happy for what you have done!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Two people and three people, there isn't a big difference.


It can be absolutely massive GP. The finances are a very small part of it all. It’s the possible affect on the dynamics in the marriage that needs to be thought through.

It seems OP’s wife is at the outset more than willing to sacrifice her marriage for her sister. That simply does not augur well for the future. If my understanding is correct she’s gone about it in totally the wrong way and in that she is not a wise woman.

A wise woman would have got her husband onside first, not sideline and isolate him.

Bob


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

AFEH said:


> It can be absolutely massive GP. The finances are a very small part of it all. It’s the possible affect on the dynamics in the marriage that needs to be thought through.
> 
> It seems OP’s wife is at the outset more than willing to sacrifice her marriage for her sister. That simply does not augur well for the future. If my understanding is correct she’s gone about it in totally the wrong way and in that she is not a wise woman.
> 
> ...


Bob,

If the OP supports her right at the beginning, there won't be so much struggle. 

I put myself into the wife's situation, if my husband supports me when I face such a difficult point in my life, I will love him dearly, I will feel grateful towards him, I will do whatever I can to make his life happy!

But if he doesn't, I will lose my love for him, I will lose my respect for him, I will feel hurt, I will feel disappointed, he definitely puts me on a test. 

Why don't we stand together and share our life together, face our life storm together, solve our problem together? 

Our conscience tells us we have to take that sister in! 

Financially I don't know how much it costs to support a 14 year old. If it is only food, clothes, and a place to sleep, I don't think it is a lot. I hope the wife is good with money and good with cooking! And she is 14, very soon she is going to turn to 18 and live on her own. Why don't we make her life easier, why don't we protect her?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

GP I think most men like to be the knight in shining armour. I for one do. I like to help out, like to provide shelter, safety, comfort and security. It’s very much a part of who I am.

If I’ve got it right OP’s wife has told him in no uncertain terms that she does not value her husband. She doesn’t value his “opinions” and certainly doesn’t at all value what he provides in the marriage.

She did not appeal to the KISA in him. She’s more or less told him he’s not needed.

If the above is true and I could well be wrong, she has gone about it all in totally the wrong way.

Of course there’s a huge amount of empathy and compassion for the 14 year old and her elder sister from the ladies here. And there’s some good advice given to help out with the finances. But there’s a Man in the mix and I can see his side as well as the two sisters.

Bob


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Fireguy,
I want you to try and put yourself in the following situations;

1. You are a 14 year old girl. Your aunt is asking you to leave your home. Your parents are long gone and your only sister is turning you out.

2. Your a young woman in her 20's, newly married and having a tough time financially( like most newlyweds). Your only sister is about to be homeless or go into foster care.

Man, look at those two situations and try to imagine the incredible heart wrenching emotions that these two young women are going through. I know that it will be hard to finish raising a young girl only 12 years younger than you. You will need help from Social Services and will get some help if you ask.
You have to determine what is the right thing to do and then make a decision. I do hope that you decide to stay with your wife and help this kid. She needs you and her sister so badly. I have dealt with kids that were in foster care or wards of the state before and it is so gut wrenching to see how they are treated.
Ignore this and I can almost guarantee that this girl will end up on the streets, addicted, and pregnant, probably multiple times. She will find men to take care of her that will abuse her, beat her and leave her with kids to repeat the cycle of abuse.
She needs YOU.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

AFEH said:


> GP I think most men like to be the knight in shining armour. I for one do. I like to help out, like to provide shelter, safety, comfort and security. It’s very much a part of who I am.
> 
> If I’ve got it right OP’s wife has told him in no uncertain terms that she does not value her husband. She doesn’t value his “opinions” and certainly doesn’t at all value what he provides in the marriage.
> 
> ...


Bob,

I don't know about their marriage situation! 

If the OP thinks his wife doesn't value him, then just let his wife take care of her sister. I know she said "family comes first!"

We can't expect a woman in her early twenties know much wisdom and say things wisely during a fight! 

No matter what, I think the wife is showing her kindness willing to take care of her sister. I think she has good conscience.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I was put in foster care when I was 14 due to having an alcoholic mother who beat me and verbally and emotionally abused me. When the state decided I was no longer in need of their services I was sent to live with an uncle. He also hit me. I had also been raped by a stranger in that time. A situation I am just now trying to come to grips with. I was sent back to my mother and the abuse continued till I was 19. I have subsequently been diagnosed with a multitude of disorders due to my horrific childhood. I think your wife is amazing for trying to do right by her sister.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Fireguy, I wholly sympathize with you. While it is true that taking the girl in would be the "right" thing to do, I think you should seriously think about whether or not you should be married to this woman. She has already told you that her sis comes first (relegating you to the emotional equivalent of "sloppy seconds"), she is more or less threatening you with this situation, implying that if you don't do things HER way and HER way alone, she will divorce you.
But has she really thought through what will happen to you guys if you do take her in? This girl is at that age where she may be very hard to handle, doesn't want to listen to adults, and will just go and do her own thing, no matter how much you try to talk to her. Kids are NOT DUMB. She will pick up on the conflict between you and your W, and may use it to her advantage. Just enough "girl talk" between them and her telling your W about what an a**hole she married will almost guarantee that she will side with her sis every time, and it will lead to divorce.

Bud, the only thing I can tell you is that you signed up for a marriage, not a teenager's guardian/counselor/warden/doormat.
If you take her in (and, I have to admit, I would) your M may very well suffer for this, but then again, it may very well turn out to be a great decision. You will be a hero in others' eyes, your W will admire you for it, you'll have the added bonus of the experience of having raised a teenager for when you have your own kids, and you will live with the satisfaction of knowing that you were there when others would have tucked tail and ran. Read up about Alan Sheppard, America's first astronaut-he had the same happen to him, and he never regretted it.

What I'm trying to say is; the decision is yours. Either way you go, I am behind you.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

AFEH said:


> If I’ve got it right OP’s wife has told him in no uncertain terms that she does not value her husband. She doesn’t value his “opinions” and certainly doesn’t at all value what he provides in the marriage.
> 
> She did not appeal to the KISA in him. She’s more or less told him he’s not needed.


I would just as likely say that the OP doesn't value HIS marriage or wife, and seems unwilling to face life as a couple, where her burdens automatically become his as well. He should not even dare think about making her choose between doing the right thing by her sister, and keeping her marriage. Through good times and bad. If he loses his job, should she dump him cause she doesn't want the responsibility of paying his half of the rent next month? If he is in a tragic accident and becomes disabled, should she walk away because she isn't ready for the responsibility of caring for a needy person? After all, she is only 25 (assuming they are similar in age), and I doubt she signed up for a husband in a wheelchair who needs feeding and his diaper changed. 
When we marry, our spouse's joys become ours, as well as their sorrows. When circumstances place a burden on them, it is a burden on us as well, and we face it together. Not whining in a corner like a spoiled brat saying "I don't wanna!" 
This woman is the only person this young girl has. And for her husband to moan about how much money she's gonna cost them, and how it will just be too hard for him to take on that responsibility rather than approaching it like "Ok, how are WE going to make this work?" then he has already chipped a big corner out of their marriage. He is basically telling her that her sister is her problem alone, and if she chooses to do the right thing by a dependent child with no one else in the world who gives a rat's ass about her, if she makes the only choice that she can as a decent human being, then he's ready to peace out. Well, that's his choice, but I'd say if you're not ready to take on your spouse's full complement of 'issues' as a team, then you're not ready to be married. The blame for the failed marriage certainly doesn't fall on her shoulders. It's your prerogative if you aren't ready for life's responsibilities, but in that case you stay single.
I have gone through this exact situation myself with my husband's grandmother, when I was about the OP's age. We took her in when she could no longer care for herself, and while it was not easy, and certainly not something either of us 'signed up for' it was just something that we had to do. Together. We don't regret this. We know we did what we had to do, and helped another person when we were in a position to do so.
Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes shiit falls on your lap that you're not ready for, through no fault of your own. Sometimes choices are made for you and you just need to learn how to deal with them and make the best of it. This is one of those times. 
If you can't do that, you need to come to the realization that you are not ready for the commitment that comes along with this marriage and act accordingly.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... You're a grown man, and can take care of yourself better than a 14 year old girl can. If the options truly are as bad as "either you guys or a foster home", I think your wife is right to put her sister ahead of your feelings. Obviously, we're in no position to judge whether that's the actual choices or not.

Life doesn't always work out the way we want. For example, as a couple, you might have decided not to have kids yet, but it sometimes happens anyway. You then have to make a decision on how to play the cards your dealt. Would you want your wife to give your child up for adoption, rather than raise it "properly"? Would you understand if she said her priority was the baby, rather than you? I sure would...

You're talking about a 4 year investment... And to be honest, I suspect the fact that you're working 4 jobs (how much are you home anyway?) will have more of an impact on your marriage than having a 14 year old in the house, depending on the 14 year old, of course. You don't mention anything about that... What kind of teenager is she? What does she think about moving in with you?

In the end though, you have to do what's right for you. It could be that this is the last straw in your relationship (since you mention the problems you already have). In any case, I wish you well, and don't envy you your situation at all. 

C


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

PBear said:


> My thoughts... You're a grown man, and can take care of yourself better than a 14 year old girl can. If the options truly are as bad as "either you guys or a foster home", I think your wife is right to put her sister ahead of your feelings. Obviously, we're in no position to judge whether that's the actual choices or not.
> 
> Life doesn't always work out the way we want. For example, as a couple, you might have decided not to have kids yet, but it sometimes happens anyway. You then have to make a decision on how to play the cards your dealt. Would you want your wife to give your child up for adoption, rather than raise it "properly"? Would you understand if she said her priority was the baby, rather than you? I sure would...
> 
> ...


I agree with this.

And to add, regarding the wife stating she'd choose her sister over her husband. The context is most dire for her sister, it is NOT for you. If you roll forward in the thought process you'd see that and know why she drew a line.

It's not that she doesn't care for you as her husband. But she sees clearly that her sister needs rescue no matter what.

BTW, you work four jobs, how many hours a week is that? 40? 50? 60? 80? What?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Where does all this dire immediate foster care come from???



fireguy001 said:


> My wife has a 14 year old sister who lives in another state with her aunt. Well, in brief, her aunt works a low-paying job for minimal hours and can't afford much of anything. She sold her car just to pay bills.


I read the above that the sister isn’t going to be abandoned by the Aunt and put in foster care. Just that money is tight and the sister “doesn’t get much”.




fireguy001 said:


> Now, my wife wants to get her to live with us to get her out of the situation. Everyone is ok with this arrangement except for me. My wife and I make enough money to be comfortable but aren't rich by any means. When I voice my concerns over this, I am met with the response of "Well, do you want my sister to go into foster care? Do you not care about this family?"


And the above as a “threat” from OP’s wife as a means to get her own way.

Bob


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

F-102 said:


> Bud, the only thing I can tell you is that you signed up for a marriage, not a teenager's guardian/counselor/warden/doormat.
> If you take her in (and, I have to admit, I would) your M may very well suffer for this, but then again, it may very well turn out to be a great decision. *You will be a hero in others' eyes, your W will admire you for it,* you'll have the added bonus of the experience of having raised a teenager for when you have your own kids,* and you will live with the satisfaction of knowing that you were there when others would have tucked tail and ran.* Read up about Alan Sheppard, America's first astronaut-he had the same happen to him, and he never regretted it.


I was thinking along these lines - If you love this woman & want to fight to stay married to her (??), I think you have little choice in this matter unfortunately- as she likely will NEVER forgive you if you demand your way & allow her sister to the streets during this tragic tragic time & denied her a home with her blood sister. Just looking at the reality of this. 

Take the girl in, Risk loving another who needs it more than anyone you personally know in this world, maybe you can become HER Hero, this may move your wife tremendously. If they both gang up on you, neither showing any respect for your helping & providing, you will know it is time to exit the marraige.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

AFEH said:


> Where does all this dire immediate foster care come from???
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I read it to mean exactly what she was quoted as saying. Shorthand for the fuller conversation, the girl is headed to foster care.



fireguy001 said:


> My wife has a 14 year old sister who lives in another state with her aunt. Well, in brief, her aunt works a low-paying job for minimal hours and can't afford much of anything. She sold her car just to pay bills.


Looks like the decision is zooming up based on economic crisis.



fireguy001 said:


> Now, my wife wants to get her to live with us to get her out of the situation. When I voice my concerns over this, I am met with the response of "Well, do you want my sister to go into foster care? Do you not care about this family?"


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## fireguy001 (Jan 23, 2011)

Thank you for pointing out a part. The quote of my sife telling me "Do you want her to go into foster care?" That is not the only option. Her aunt is not going to abandon her. She wants her to come live with us because the money she makes goes to certain things that she is addicted to. Although she has these problems, she can still see that she can't provied for my wife's sister. This is why I am so torn. There are other options. Make no mistake; if the situation were as dire as us or foster care, I would take her in. The reason I was looking for advice was becuase ther are other options and my wife can't see that.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would want to remove her from an addicted household anyway.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

fireguy001 said:


> Thank you for pointing out a part. The quote of my sife telling me "Do you want her to go into foster care?" That is not the only option. Her aunt is not going to abandon her. She wants her to come live with us because the money she makes goes to certain things that she is addicted to. Although she has these problems, she can still see that she can't provied for my wife's sister. This is why I am so torn. There are other options. Make no mistake; if the situation were as dire as us or foster care, I would take her in. The reason I was looking for advice was becuase ther are other options and my wife can't see that.


I honestly think the only way you’ll have a meaningful discussion with your wife is via a third party, like an arbitrator and a person who can help with communication. A respected family elder would be ideal.

Other than that I think your wife will continue to use emotional blackmail which gets no one anywhere.

How about telling your wife that you’ll give it 100% for a year. That at the end of each month the two of you will sit down and discuss how the past month went. Here you’ll discuss any problems arising during the month and plan to solve them during the next month and so on. That way the two of you will be working “as a team”. To “keep the peace” during each month don’t tackle the problems as they arise, just duck them.

Financially let your wife know that her sister is expected to get some work to contribute to her upkeep. I don’t know about the States but here in England 14 years get around $40 a week for delivering newspapers.

Bob


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