# New member



## TealDaisy

Hi, I am a 30 year old female who has been with my husband for 12 years, married 7. We have a 3 year old daughter. We have been having issues for quite some time now due to his depression, which he refuses to get help for. It is incredibly frustrating, and I hope I can get some great advice here.


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## Marduk

Sorry to hear. Why does he refuse to get help?


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## TealDaisy

He blames me for his depression. He thinks if I just change, everything will get better.
He wants me to like sports and plan vacations. I really have no interest in sports whatsoever, and he knew this from the very first date we went on. I will watch a game with him now and then, but that isn’t good enough. He wants me to read Sports articles in my free time, cheer during the games, be able to have detailed conversations about sports, etc. I told him that I can’t just change my interests, but he just keeps saying if I loved him, I would. 
We also don’t have the money to plan vacations. We have a lot of debt that we need to get paid off, and he spends a ton of money at the bar each week.
It just makes no sense to me how these two things could be such a big issue. Especially when I am the one that does all of the cooking, cleaning, running errands and raising our daughter by myself.


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## Andy1001

He’s justifying his own ****ty behavior by blaming you. Don’t waste your time trying to talk to him, he’s not interested. 
He wants to be with his buddies down at the bar and nothing you can say will change this. 
Maybe you talking to a lawyer might wake him up.


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## jlg07

True depression isn't caused by things like you not liking sports. IF he really does have depression, he needs to see a Dr.
Does he do things that YOU like and that he doesn't? Maybe if you explain that to him by flipping it around, he may see how that argument he has doesn't hold water.


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## MattMatt

@TealDaisy You need to consider your options. Would couple's counselling help? 

Have you seen a lawyer for advice?


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## TealDaisy

No, He definitely doesn’t do things that I like that he doesn’t. He won’t even help out with basic household tasks or cleaning up after himself. I tried to flip it around and say that to him before, but then he just says well you don’t meet any of my needs, so why would I even try with yours?
He is an incredibly hard worker at him job, and works long hours. He just got promoted, but that means we have to move in a couple of months to a place where it is going to be super hard for me to find a job that pays decent. We just moved two years ago for his job, and I already had to take a drop in pay for that move. Also, our daughter has severe food allergies and other health issues. She has amazing doctors here that the new city won’t have. I feel like it’s completely understandable that I have reservations about this, but He thinks I need to be more supportive of him. Says everyone at work praises him all the time and says how amazing he is, but then to me, he’s never good enough.

If we didn’t have a daughter, I would have left already. However, if I leave, he will get partial custody of her. I don’t trust him alone with her. He has a drinking problem, never pays any attention to her, and She has multiple life-threatening anaphylactic food allergies that he just doesn’t take seriously enough. She had an anaphylactic reaction a few months ago, and him going to a party was way more important to him. He took us to the hospital and then left after about 30 minutes because he “hates hospitals”. I told him not to drink much because our daughter might have a secondary reaction and he would need to come back, but proceeded to get crazy drunk and didn’t get home home until 5am.

And No, He won’t go to counseling either


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## manfromlamancha

So why did you marry him in the first place ? Was he different then ?

And following on from the above, you were with him for 5 years and then another 4 (married) before you had a daughter together - why did you have a child with him ?


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## hubbyintrubby

TealDaisy said:


> No, He definitely doesn’t do things that I like that he doesn’t. He won’t even help out with basic household tasks or cleaning up after himself. I tried to flip it around and say that to him before, but then he just says well you don’t meet any of my needs, so why would I even try with yours?
> He is an incredibly hard worker at him job, and works long hours. He just got promoted, but that means we have to move in a couple of months to a place where it is going to be super hard for me to find a job that pays decent. We just moved two years ago for his job, and I already had to take a drop in pay for that move. Also, our daughter has severe food allergies and other health issues. She has amazing doctors here that the new city won’t have. I feel like it’s completely understandable that I have reservations about this, but He thinks I need to be more supportive of him. Says everyone at work praises him all the time and says how amazing he is, but then to me, he’s never good enough.
> 
> If we didn’t have a daughter, I would have left already. However, if I leave, he will get partial custody of her. I don’t trust him alone with her. He has a drinking problem, never pays any attention to her, and She has multiple life-threatening anaphylactic food allergies that he just doesn’t take seriously enough. She had an anaphylactic reaction a few months ago, and him going to a party was way more important to him. He took us to the hospital and then left after about 30 minutes because he “hates hospitals”. I told him not to drink much because our daughter might have a secondary reaction and he would need to come back, but proceeded to get crazy drunk and didn’t get home home until 5am.
> 
> And No, He won’t go to counseling either


With your thoughts and fears about how he would fare with your daughter by himself, I think it would be a great idea to start keeping a journal of his activity when it comes to his drinking, how lightly he takes the food allergy situation, things like leaving the hospital, etc. When it comes to child custody, these are the things that most judges take very very seriously in child custody cases as this might turn into.


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## Tilted 1

I don't see any depression in him so far, if he was depressed truly, he couldn't or would not be wanting to get out of bed or barely have enough energy to do a job, let alone go to the bar and drink himself stupid or stay out until 5am.

He's pulling you along, and I think you are falling for his BS. He's got a drinking issue and is probably getting closer to give you all the excuses that he knows you would not be able to meet. What type of dude goes out until 5 when his daughter and his wife are at home dealing with medical crisis's, but is ok to be with the boys, err maybe girls as well. 

This is deeper than the depression he says or you are assuming. Has he had thoughts of suicide or any related issues, you haven't posted? Does he have lower than normal self-esteem? Is he unkept and is his motivation almost zero that you have to lay out his clothes and tell him to bathe? I don't really see this as depression, but an excuse to do and act like a single male with no responsibilities. 

Is what I am saying ringing any bells?


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## TealDaisy

In the beginning he was a much more positive person. We would go do fun things, he would actually want to spend time with me, we would joke around with each other.. I was so sure that he would be a great and super involved dad, but ever since she was born, he just gets jealous of the time I spend with her and barely puts any effort in.

He has had two suicide attempts in the past. He was diagnosed with substance induced mood disorder, but I don’t think that is the whole picture. He gets angry at the drop of a hat, cries uncontrollably (usually after drinking) and says he doesn’t want to be here anymore. He can’t see the positive in anything at home and definitely has very low self esteem.
We both have also been questioning his thyroid for various reasons, but he won’t get that checked either. Ugh


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## TealDaisy

Also, I just want to say thank you to everyone so far. It feels so good to actually let this all out. I will start keeping a log and looking for a lawyer.


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## Tilted 1

Sounds similar to Atypical depression.

https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/atypical-depression


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## EleGirl

TealDaisy said:


> Also, I just want to say thank you to everyone so far. It feels so good to actually let this all out. I will start keeping a log and looking for a lawyer.


When he has tried suicide in the past, were the police or medical professionals involved? Or was this all done behind closed doors at home?

Who besides you and him know about this?


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## TealDaisy

His first attempt was at hotel in another state. I called the manager and had him check on him in the room, but he felt like my husband was just drunk and needed to sleep it off. The second time was also after a long night of drinking where I went to pick him up from the bar. I called 911 and an ambulance took him to a hospital where they kept him overnight. That is when they diagnosed him with substance induced mood disorder. The only people who know about this are his parents and mine. 

He did go to a therapist last year, but stopped after the first 1-2 sessions. His depression is always the worst from around October-May,


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## TealDaisy

When things get really bad, he has promised to stop drinking so much, talk to a doctor, etc etc, but he never follows through and tells me to stop pressuring him when I bring it back up. I’m starting to realize that he only really says these things because he can tell that I’m ready to leave. Once I forgive him, he just continues with what he was doing before. 

I spent years trying to be “good enough” for him and help him, but I’m finally to a point where I’m just done putting up with all of this.


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## hubbyintrubby

Promise without action is just manipulation at it's core.


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## Prodigal

His drinking issue might just boil down to alcoholism. He's showing you by his actions that he doesn't want to change. Don't threaten to leave him if you aren't ready to walk out the door. Granted, he may clean up his act. But if he's an alcoholic, he'll make himself all new and shiny just to assure you won't leave. Then the cycle starts again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I never told my alcoholic husband I was going to leave until I had packed up my things, gotten a moving crew, and had a forwarding address. Rather than getting sober, my husband went on a three year bender. He ultimately succumbed to alcoholism and died. His life. His choice.

Don't enable your husband. Don't try to make him see the light, pick him up when he's too drunk to drive, or have him hospitalized. I left my husband to make his own messes and choose whether or not he wanted to clean them up. 

If I was in your position - and I was - I'd get the hell outta there. Your life. Your choice. Think about it.


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## Rubix Cubed

TealDaisy said:


> Also, I just want to say thank you to everyone so far. It feels so good to actually let this all out. I will start keeping a log and looking for a lawyer.


 I'm not a lawyer but between the suicide attempts and lack of concern for your daughter, you should seek full custody and supervised visits in a separation agreement. Get that confirmed with a lawyer and your daughter is no longer a reason to have to stay with him. If for some reason that doesn't work out you can stop the separation, if it does work out move from the separation to divorce as quickly as you can.


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## FeministInPink

@TealDaisy It sounds like your husband has no interest in actually being a husband or father, but instead of being honest with you and asking for a divorce, he's staying out until all hours and getting trashed to deal with the fact that he's miserable, and he's making you miserable, too.

I hate to say this, but I don't think any of this is going to change. I think he's intentionally being an ass to push you away, so you have to be the "bad guy" and be the one to ask for a divorce.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

TealDaisy said:


> His first attempt was at hotel in another state. I called the manager and had him check on him in the room, but he felt like my husband was just drunk and needed to sleep it off. The second time was also after a long night of drinking where I went to pick him up from the bar. I called 911 and an ambulance took him to a hospital where they kept him overnight. That is when they diagnosed him with substance induced mood disorder. The only people who know about this are his parents and mine.
> 
> He did go to a therapist last year, but stopped after the first 1-2 sessions. His depression is always the worst from around October-May,


Do live where there is not a lot of sunlight from Oct - May? Some people get depressed during the fall/winter because of that. There is light therapy that can help with this.

So there is a record of him being hospitalized for an attempted suicide. In the future, if he does this again, be sure to call 911 to get it on record. 

It's not safe for a child to be in the care of someone who is suicidal. This can help you with reducing the amount of time your daughter would spend with him if you divorce him.

When I divorced my son's father, he was trying to get 100% custody. As he told the judge, he's a doctor and I'm just a lowly engineer so clearly he should have custody. Our son was 7. His father had was never involved in his school and other activities and basically left everything up to me. Additionally, he picked on our son constantly and was mean to him. Through my lawyer, I asked for a custody evaluation. The judge had us each provide the names of someone to do the evaluation and the judge picked on. I suggested an organization named "Fathers and Family". They are a father's rights organization. I had interviewed several organizations and I liked their approach the best. My goal was to get a fair evaluation. This is who the judge choose from our suggestions. They did a great job. They a team of two, one male and one female phycologists do the evaluation. They were very thorough. In the end they said that my son's father had a very bad relationship my son. They suggested that he get no more than 30% custody and that my ex had to do joint counseling with my son until they felt that the relationship had improved. It took my ex 2 years to get more time with my son. 

Getting a custody evaluation is a very good idea because you have a 3rd party really look at the issues. It's not just a judge making a decision based on little to no info.


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