# Conflict in relationships



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I read an exchange between two other posters and sparked my interest so thought it might be an interesting discussion. How much conflict do you have, are you willing to have, in a relationship. Speaking for myself I won't have much I tolerate. I expect things to be handled calmly and discussed, not yelling and all out war at home. I have met at least two women, prior gf's, in the past who both told me that fighting is passion and that's part of the relationship. I don't agree which is why we didn't work out, they would try and pick fights and I wouldn't play along with that.

So just curious how much fighting goes on between you and your SO? Do you yell and name call? Do you have calm discussions to resolve conflict?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here and 35 years married (1st marriage for the both of us). My husband has almost zero tolerance to yelling, sulking, quiet treatments, and banging things around. I unlearned the behaviors that my mother exhibited early on in my marriage. She could be loud and condescending to my father who tend to shut down.

During times of disagreements, my husband remained calmed and collected. Even at 24 years of age, during our first year together (did not live together before that), he was calm. I changed myself consciously as I appeared out of control. Discussing different points of views rather than loud arguments has allowed us to thrive in our marriage.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I read an exchange between two other posters and sparked my interest so thought it might be an interesting discussion. How much conflict do you have, are you willing to have, in a relationship. Speaking for myself I won't have much I tolerate. I expect things to be handled calmly and discussed, not yelling and all out war at home. I have met at least two women, prior gf's, in the past who both told me that fighting is passion and that's part of the relationship. I don't agree which is why we didn't work out, they would try and pick fights and I wouldn't play along with that.
> 
> So just curious how much fighting goes on between you and your SO? Do you yell and name call? Do you have calm discussions to resolve conflict?


Nothing worse i think than two people shouting and yelling at the top of their voice.

I cant remember the last time my husband and I argued TBH. We talk about everything, and anything and if there is anything either of us have a problem with we just talk about it calmly.

Cant remember tho the last time there was any conflict would have been years ago now thank god.


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> I read an exchange between two other posters and sparked my interest so thought it might be an interesting discussion. How much conflict do you have, are you willing to have, in a relationship. Speaking for myself I won't have much I tolerate. I expect things to be handled calmly and discussed, not yelling and all out war at home. I have met at least two women, prior gf's, in the past who both told me that fighting is passion and that's part of the relationship. I don't agree which is why we didn't work out, they would try and pick fights and I wouldn't play along with that.
> 
> So just curious how much fighting goes on between you and your SO? Do you yell and name call? Do you have calm discussions to resolve conflict?


If you had asked me this question 20 years ago I would have sheepishly answered, the one who yells the loudest often wins. That got old after many years and now we discuss. We don't always agree but have decided we don't always have to agree. It is much calmer and nicer in our household since we decided to respect each other's opinion. The kids are all grown up too so that helped a lot. 

We are each passionate about different things and have realized that having opposing viewpoints is not the end of the world but instead interesting.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Me and my H argues from time to time but there is no yelling nor name calling. We can be frustrated at times, not good at managing conflicts, thought we try to work over things and we rarely go to bed upset.

I feel that I have inherited my family's emotional negativity and lack of conflicts handling skills, and I tend to think of things worse than they actually are during the moment. Realizing that I try to cool down before reflecting on things. Also, since my profession requires focus on problem solving, it helped me to approach situations in a more logical "let's solve this" manner.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I'm ashamed to admit that my DH & I fight ugly. I try to keep an even keel but my DH is hot tempered & will start getting loud. So I either shut down or I end up stooping to his level. Do I enjoy this? No. I really wish we could handle major disagreements better. We don't argue often, but when we do - it can get ugly real fast. :-(


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I have virtually zero tolerance for conflict. We both have careers...the last thing we need when we get home is a hostile environment. Home and being together is our sanctuary.

I would never yell, belittle or disrespect my husband....he's my best friend. He would never do that to me either.

Truthfully, we've never had an argument. He always argues in what's in my best interest and vice versa. Its hard to get mad when someone's trying to debate about what's best for you, not them.

Of course, we were older and had really long, conflict-ridden, "practice" 1st marriages that gave us some very good experience about what to avoid in partners.

If I could give one piece of advice to married couples, its do not tolerate disrespect either in action or words...not ever...don't let anyone take advantage of you. And treat your spouse with the ultimate respect and kindness. With the right person, you'll get it back in spades.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

My SO is (I think) a lot like you, Wolf. No tolerance for yelling, screaming, drama, histrionics.

I tend to have a short fuse (part of this I blame on constantly having to "defend" myself in a 20-year failed marriage as well as peri-menopause ) so I have had to "re-train" myself in the ways of conflict resolution. I literally bite my tongue, step back, and try to see it from all angles.

I have learned that we both get a lot more mileage when we discuss things calmly, cool-ly (is that a word?) and rationally. He never raises his voice. When I do, he calmly brings me back down to earth. I love and respect him enough to nip it in the bud. He is much more level than me, but I am getting there .

Then, we usually end up in the bedroom, and all is good in our world .


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> So just curious how much fighting goes on between you and your SO? Do you yell and name call? Do you have calm discussions to resolve conflict?


Very little fighting with my BF. I'm learning a lot from him in this area. He's an exceptional communicator. My last relationship was fraught with drama, conflict, abuse, and yelling. Not now. 

Sure, we yell. I yell more than him. In fact, he'll stop me cold and say, "Why are you yelling?" Only a few times we've called each other names and we both instantly regretted it. We are very cognizant of fighting fair, and for the most part, we do.

I love that he comes to me after we've both cooled off and we talk it out. And we're not talking days, or even hours. There are times when I initiate a resolution, too. He's calm and laid back. We are both very good at admitting when we're wrong.

It's a whole different world for me. It's lovely.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> Sure, we yell. I yell more than him. In fact, he'll stop me cold and say, "Why are you yelling?"
> 
> It's a whole different world for me. It's lovely.


lucy, I'm convinced... you and I are twins separated at birth.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> lucy, I'm convinced... you and I are twins separated at birth.


Girl! I said to myself when I read your post, "Well I'll be damned if we're not sisters from another mother.":grin2:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I *have virtually zero tolerance for conflict. We both have careers...the last thing we need when we get home is a hostile environment. Home and being together is our sanctuary.
> *
> I would never yell, belittle or disrespect my husband....he's my best friend. He would never do that to me either.
> 
> ...


this is why I also feel that way about it. My career is all about conflict and yelling both with co workers and our "customers". 40 hours of this a week is exhausting. Just won't do in my own home. Hell I rarely even raise my voice with my kids lol


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

JustTired said:


> I'm ashamed to admit that my DH & I fight ugly. I try to keep an even keel but my DH is hot tempered & will start getting loud. So I either shut down or I end up stooping to his level. Do I enjoy this? No. I really wish we could handle major disagreements better. We don't argue often, but when we do - it can get ugly real fast. :-(


Just curious not picking at you but was it always like this with him or is this just a pattern the two of you developed over time?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

In my first marriage, I was very much against fighting or heated disagreements, however my ex seemed to know exactly how to poke at me and stir the $h1t pot. We both had an issue where he could never be wrong and it would drive me mad. We were both at fault for many things. Toward the end of our relationship I was numb to his poking, and it was at this point he knew I was done. If you don't get riled (after making arguing your pattern), you're clearly indifferent. 

I learned after my divorce how I did not wish to behave in my next relationship. I like blunt confrontations and I speak my mind, but I have zero tolerance for raised voices, yelling, tantrums, etc., and I am pretty sure my SO has no tolerance for this either. It is not always what you say, but HOW you say it.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Just curious not picking at you but was it always like this with him or is this just a pattern the two of you developed over time?


It was always like this with my DH. I'm the one that over time started stooping to his level. :frown2: My DH can barely have a disagreement without getting loud, he's like that with everyone not just me. However, with me, he gets loud much faster. We don't call each other names because I never allow it to go that far, but we have done it in the past. We both have acknowledged that our conflict resolution sucks & we are reading Love Busters together.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

> So just curious how much fighting goes on between you and your SO? Do you yell and name call? Do you have calm discussions to resolve conflict?


In our 16 years of marriage there many disagreements but only a handful of "fights". The fights definitely got loud and there were lots of "you" statements but never any name calling. Honestly I don't know that my husband or I would ever put up with drag out, knock out fights where there's yelling and name calling. We haven't always agreed but at the very least we've managed to 'agree to disagree'.

Case in point....we rarely disagree on most marital topics except one. MONEY. Specifically what to do with family money. My position is enjoy the fruits of your labor while you're still young enough to do it. His position is the fruits of labor should be saved until retirement, then enjoyed during the golden years. It's the classic hedonist vs. rat racer. The disagreements are sometimes passionate but at the end of the day we recognize our marriage is a partnership not a cage fight. We compromise. Neither is the winner or loser.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We don't fight a lot, I cannot stand loud, yelling, angry people.

But we have had a reasonable amount of conflict in the last few months. It started with some minor incidents and snowballed into a monster. I think both our past marriages caught up with us and we kept going back to our own corners and just could not work out how to sort our stuff out. So we got to near breaking point, thinking WTF is all this for when all we wanted was to both be happy? I am a runner which is a hard trait to change but I am learning.
He comes from a 20 yr marriage to a clinically diagnosed BPDer so has walked on egg shells for years. 

So we don't have screaming matches or name calling but we are both wounded souls that instead of yelling go to our own corners. This style can make conflict resolution very hard because at some points we were more about protecting ourselves individually than protecting us as a couple.

We are getting there though, we love each other deeply and have a great life together, we both know we are worth fighting for but we have had to learn a lot about how the other operates to get this right.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & my husband DO have occasional fights...2 things we have never fought over was .. money .. and a lack of communication...

Our fights are always short lived.. they can be passionate ... there is always some nugget of understanding we carry forward.. something we found peace with.. we talk very deeply when we fight.. it may be a little raised voices at 1st ...but then the waters calm.. or we start out calm.. and some escalation takes place even but all in all.. it's a digging into finding our peace with each other...

We also can find the humor in how ridiculous some of them have been.. like What the hell are we doing.. Once I had a this fight with him over how I wanted him to be more of a "son of a bi*ch" in bed.. I was saying this.. then I started laughing out loud over it.. 

I know this doesn't sound normal to some....

We don't do the name calling thing.. we are both, even in irritation.. able to STOP.. admit.... Yep.. I Fcked up.... I was rude, bi*chy.. ..I missed it.. it was a BAD DAY (outside forces) -I took it out on you...."I don't want to hurt you.. but darn it .. I feel LIKE THIS ...hep me " sort of thing.. 

Husband's tried to explain How I am -in one of my threads here....by comparing me to our driveway (funny analogy) .... It can be difficult in the winter ....steep hill/ bendy, cars get stuck...(can I say a little pms & insatiable sex drive...that's my winter).... he may need to scrape me, salt me, plow me .. but what we have is so beautiful the majority of the time (like where we live).. so the driveway is worth it.. I am worth it.. he wouldn't trade me.. 

He said he "misses it too" sometimes.. just that I do it more..ha ha ..

We always have make up sex...He'll just tell me we could have avoided all of that.. 

I'm sure you've seen my thread on these conflict styles.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html

I think the ratio of good & bad, that 5 to 1..can make or break a couple.... ours is probably 30 to 1.. A heated fight/ intense.. last one was probably over 9 months ago...(guessing)... the past few days..we've had awful vehicle issues... from this car, to that one.. to the next one, he can't seem to get ahead..... 

4x4 was stuck.. trunk got stuck on another -he was enjoying blaming this on me.. (he's not really Joking , he was irritated ... too many things going wrong...oh he got it opened by drilling into it. now using a screwdriver hanging out the back with pipe wrench for the moment.. He tends to rub this in.. since every glove box in our vehicles won't shut due to my slamming (something else he blames me for ).... he was comparing this trunk problem.. . when he does this. I banter back with him.. he may push up his middle finger on his glasses.. (this makes me laugh personally) a silent "F*** U"... I would think these things could start into a fight for some. but for us. it's more an amusement or something.. I seem to enjoy when he makes fun of me like this.. would someone else understand this.. probably not.. 

Attitude is everything. we are both very sensitive people *about certain things*. ..like Desire, or trampling one's emotions in something important to us.. that will HIT hard (so much rarer)..... when I have fallen into this -wanting more sex. then I felt like sh** afterwards cause I hurt him.. I knew he didn't deserve it...he's sensitive here.. if he wants to get on me about being too hard on a glove box. I could care less.. I think it's purely coincidence this happens ....but when it hits close to the heart.. it's a different thing entirely.... 

We are good at making up... we both understand emotions can run high, we say something in haste....we don't really mean it.. . I'll never be that woman who never raises her voice...but I am very good at making up ...& we're back in each other's arms...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

JustTired said:


> It was always like this with my DH. I'm the one that over time started stooping to his level. :frown2: My DH can barely have a disagreement without getting loud, he's like that with everyone not just me. However, with me, he gets loud much faster. We don't call each other names because I never allow it to go that far, but we have done it in the past. We both have acknowledged that our conflict resolution sucks & we are reading *Love Busters together.*


I haven't read that one. Do you think it's helping?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I haven't read that one. Do you think it's helping?


Actually, yes! The book is an easy read (which is very important for my DH...LOL) and many of the examples in the book we can easily relate it to us. I find the book to be very relatable & insightful. I like it so far. We are on chapter 5 now.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I have little tolerance for confrontation period! Unless, of course, I get my a$$ pushed up against the proverbial wall, or the person doing all the pushing is so blatantly wrong in what they're doing that I greatly feel the need to help put them back in their place! I also do not like to see someone try to needlessly belittle somebody when there are other viable avenues open to them to resolute their conflict!

I guess that it's just my inherent nature!*


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Uh yep, we have hot tempers and fight loud. It also ends quickly and we are back to normal. If we never fought I would feel like something was wrong.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think we got a lot of that out of our systems early in the marriage and were pliable (young) enough to adapt and learn. If I'd kept my bad habits through bad relationships and met DH as an older woman, I think it'd be much harder learn better ways to communicate, especially considering the example my own parents gave me growing up.

Also to note, not yelling is not an indication that a person is able to handle disagreements well. Some people stay quiet but get really nasty. Nasty in tone, nasty in the way they show they think of you. Nasty in the way they try to manipulate. They don't even have to use name calling. It's a mistake to think a quiet discussion is necessarily going well just because it's quiet.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

happysnappy said:


> Uh yep, we have hot tempers and fight loud. It also ends quickly and we are back to normal. If we never fought I would feel like something was wrong.


Yeah this complete opposite end of the spectrum where I would be. I wouldn't consider that ok at all


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## Canuck99 (Jul 17, 2014)

I hate it. 

My X-Girlfriend was fairly insecure I think, so when something happened that she didn't like, she would tend to get upset to varying degrees on a scale of 1 to 10. 

I don't know if I was a complete idiot or what, but I couldn't take it as it put me on edge. Usually it was in response to something I said or did, and usually something she took wrongly, then we would start having an argument about how she understood it, and how I meant it.

For example, we had a 9 hour time difference and no real way to communicate directly, so I would say "good night" and it would be 3pm her time and 6am my time. Then I wouldn't really be able to talk to her until the next day, because all we had was Google Talk, and I didn't know how to write Greek. She thought I was blowing her off for the day, which isn't the truth. If I could of had a different way of talking to her, I would have, but we didn't. She got mad at me and threatened to end the relationship. 

On retrospect, I should of taken it for what it was and said "good bye" but I saw the potential. 

I don't like conflict, I think it will happen but I think ultimately, there shouldn't be a lot of it. That being said, if there IS conflict, both partners should be 100% secure that they love each other and will stay with each other.

My parents fight like dogs sometimes (yelling), but it lasts for about 3 seconds and its over. They love each other to death and have for 40 years, but that is their way. Its loud, obnoxious, etc.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I know a person who praised herself often about how she kept calm during disagreements when the other person would lose their temper. To hear her talk she was a saint who would stand there and keep her cool at all times and try to discuss the problem rationally. When she told me that she had "calmly and quietly" asked someone something and the person had gotten immediately defensive and angry she made it sound like they were guilty of something because of their response. Then I came to realise that her "calmly and quietly" was actually malicious, venomous and quiet to a normal person.

Therefore, I don't necessarily trust people when they say they are remaining calm and rational in the face of their spouses fury. Maybe they are being truthful in their own minds, but maybe the other person would have a very different point of view.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

breeze said:


> I know a person who praised herself often about how she kept calm during disagreements when the other person would lose their temper. To hear her talk she was a saint who would stand there and keep her cool at all times and try to discuss the problem rationally. When she told me that she had "calmly and quietly" asked someone something and the person had gotten immediately defensive and angry she made it sound like they were guilty of something because of their response. Then I came to realise that her "calmly and quietly" was actually malicious, venomous and quiet to a normal person.
> 
> Therefore, I don't necessarily trust people when they say they are remaining calm and rational in the face of their spouses fury. Maybe they are being truthful in their own minds, but maybe the other person would have a very different point of view.


Not sure I understand. You're saying you don't trust people who can remain calm when someone gets upset? That sees odd to me. Can you expand on it?


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Conflict is unavoidable in any relationship, especially in an intimate one. The key is that the parties handle it in a way that is respectful to one another. The cause of argument will likely soon blow over, lack of respect however can cause permanent harm. Passive people who avoid conflicts usually end up beaten down or they explode. Neither are good. I am always wary of couples that say they never argue. Usually that is because one of the parties has ended up shutting down or becoming a doormat or both. Emotionally healthy people take the responsibility to let others know their needs. And sometimes that causes conflict. So be it. Better that than not growing either as a couple or as an individual.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

I couldn't be with someone who flies off at the handle easily. I'm not your punching bag. If you say sh1t to me I'm going to take it at face value that you meant it. My ex and I never got into screaming matches.

I think part of it for me stems back to childhood. I had a temper as a child. I don't like to let my blood boil, I don't like that feeling. I'd rather talk it out or if the tension is too high, back away, cool down, then discuss it later. I'd like to think that I am pretty understanding of others views and opinions and take them into consideration during a conflict, but if you cross one of my hard boundaries you will know it.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Not sure I understand. You're saying you don't trust people who can remain calm when someone gets upset? That sees odd to me. Can you expand on it?



She said she doesn't necessarily trust people who CLAIM to remain calm when others are upset.

Maybe they're calm... that doesn't mean they're being respectful or kind. They could be calmly saying very nasty things.

The quiet person in an argument isn't always the one holding the moral high ground.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

happysnappy said:


> Uh yep, we have hot tempers and fight loud. It also ends quickly and we are back to normal. If we never fought I would feel like something was wrong.


Does this sound about right for you ?? >>



> *1. *Volatile Couples
> 
> For volatile couples, conflicts erupt easily, and are fought on grand scale, but of course, making up is even greater! These couples have passionate disputes, and frequent and passionate arguments.
> 
> ...


Now take THAT and compare it with THIS >>



> *4. *Hostile Couples...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It's always interesting to me... as when I read responses on threads like these... many will say they would not tolerate any raised voices or they've never had a fight...I've always been one who thought.. "Wow... really??"... kinda intrigued but at the same time I think.. how can they possibly be communicating everything..must be some stuffing going on OR they just agree on everything..how rare is that.. I think I am awfully compatible with my husband.. yet still we have an occasional  

No matter a couples conflict style....the most important thing is keeping the communication alive, a will to hear the other out..finding resolution , not putting up a wall..able to forgive each other our bad moments..

Gottman lays out these styles.. (another is "*Validating*"...& some have a "*Conflict Avoidant*" style...... a *Hostile style * can not sustain.. it will destroy.. some *Volatile* is not a bad thing, however...


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## Pablodiablo (Jun 12, 2015)

I am volitile and my wife is hostile. Sometimes I wish I could punch her. Not real hard or even in the face. Maybe just kind of moderately in the stomach or something. I can only imagine what she wants to do to me. Seriously knowing how she is makes it easier to deal with. We had vastly different family models. I do not tolerate disrespect. That's our line I guess. I can deal with yelling and even cussing. There isn't any cussing at each other, if that makes sense. I won't tolerate being talked down to either. The goal isn't to beat each other up emotionally.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Wolf1974 said:


> Not sure I understand. You're saying you don't trust people who can remain calm when someone gets upset? That sees odd to me. Can you expand on it?


I don't trust they can necessarily be taken at face value. The rest of my post explained it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nynaeve said:


> She said she doesn't necessarily trust people who CLAIM to remain calm when others are upset.
> 
> Maybe they're calm... that doesn't mean they're being respectful or kind. They could be calmly saying very nasty things.
> 
> The quiet person in an argument isn't always the one holding the moral high ground.


True but they also aren't loosing control of their emotions and anger either. You don't have to yell to get a point across... Really all it does is make the other person defensive


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

breeze said:


> I don't trust they can necessarily be taken at face value. The rest of my post explained it.


Well you explained with an example I was trying to get clarity on. Seems the assumption was the woman who remained calm was actually the person with ill intent. I was only asking how you knew that. Seems like a big leap to me


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Does this sound about right for you ?? >>
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Holy crapola SA I think I finally found something you posted I don't agree with lol. Only been three years guess it had to happen sometime :wink2:

But in all seriousness thats how I feel about it. All couples disagree no doubt about that. I have no issues with disagreements but I do absolutely expect that if we are communicating about it that it's done civilly. Yelling and name calling doesn't resolve a conflict it just creates a new one because both parties are upset, angry, hurt, and defensive. Not saying your wrong, I had a girlfriend once who totally felt that yelling and screaming was the only way to argue and that it made for a healthy Relationship...we just disagreed on that. It is interesting to hear all these other viewpoints though. Maybe I'm just really laid back ,at home, and just need that in a partner. Lucky my GF is same way. :grin2:


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Holy crapola SA I think I finally found something you posted I don't agree with lol. Only been three years guess it had to happen sometime :wink2:
> 
> But in all seriousness thats how I feel about it. All couples disagree no doubt about that. I have no issues with disagreements but I do absolutely expect that if we are communicating about it that it's done civilly. Yelling and name calling doesn't resolve a conflict it just creates a new one because both parties are upset, angry, hurt, and defensive. Not saying your wrong, I had a girlfriend once who totally felt that yelling and screaming was the only way to argue and that it made for a healthy Relationship...we just disagreed on that. It is interesting to hear all these other viewpoints though. *Maybe I'm just really laid back ,at home, and just need that in a partner.* Lucky my GF is same way. :grin2:


I'm not all that laid back when pissed off but I hate, hate, hate yelling, name calling and generally what I consider to be sooky pants, baby type behaviour. Raised voices yeah ok, lots of arm waving and talking with hands, yeah that's cool. 
But losing your cool. losing control and being verbally abusive is just not on. Tells me that the other person is immature and doesn't have good self control.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Wolf1974 said:


> Holy crapola SA I think I finally found something you posted I don't agree with lol. Only been three years guess it had to happen sometime :wink2:
> 
> But in all seriousness thats how I feel about it. All couples disagree no doubt about that. I have no issues with disagreements but I do absolutely expect that if we are communicating about it that it's done civilly. Yelling and name calling doesn't resolve a conflict it just creates a new one because both parties are upset, angry, hurt, and defensive. Not saying your wrong, I had a girlfriend once who totally felt that yelling and screaming was the only way to argue and that it made for a healthy Relationship...we just disagreed on that. It is interesting to hear all these other viewpoints though. Maybe I'm just really laid back ,at home, and just need that in a partner. Lucky my GF is same way. :grin2:


It sounds you MUST be with another with a *Validating conflict style*.. please don't misunderstand me.. MOST of the time.. this is exactly what myself & husband has...MORE SO than the volatile .... We haven't had a heated "emotions out of control" fight in over 9 months or so... I try to keep everything as honest as sin on this forum -whether it makes me look BAD or NOT.. or what is the point... 

The truth is...I CAN be a steam roller IF I couldn't communicate how I am feeling to him..meaning if I TRIED TO STUFF, to internalize my hurt ... it wouldn't be pretty.... so I don't do it.. I always go to him *at the seed* of anything stirring within ...this is a high form of transparency.. my volatile moments are more PMS related- so I have noticed in mid life...I am just more sensitive, MOODY .. like a rain cloud is hovering over me...you caught this thread, my explaining this the best I could... (I remember you posted on it)...
>> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies...ly-sensitive-mood-swings-how-do-you-deal.html

...this took on a more intense form in mid life.. due to hormonal changes.. I tried to take some St Johns Wort for a time.. thinking this might help ...what does he do.. he tells me to put that away, get rid of it..... that I wasn't that bad.. so really.. my husband can handle me.. and handles me well. Our fights are short lived.. I more than make up for my bad moments.. 

Yes.. it would be a problem if a partner finds a certain style a deal breaker...(as you do in this)... though *Volatile* does not always = name calling... Heated, high emotion, YES.. hitting below the belt in screaming matches.. NO - this is leading into the *Hostile* environment.. 

See for me.. a *CONFLICT AVOIDING STYLE* could be a deal breaker.. what I really mean is a "SILENT TREATMENT" holder.. I could not be with a man who's way of dealing with issues was to "shut off" the communication.. I'd leave him! 

The thing with my husband is.. he can BE conflict avoiding (having a phlegmatic personality)....he's never been one who INVITES confrontation .. BUT he's also not one to walk away from it.. put up a wall -ever..... he's there to work it out, he wants the peace between us.....he's open, engaging... and understanding of human nature.. that emotions can run high.... we sympathize with each others's weaknesses, and are also very praising of the GOOD we find in each other... My good far out weighs my bad - in his eyes.. the scales would have weights on them.. and I would say the same for him. 

This is why we work well together as a couple.. I've often felt if he was matched with a conflict avoiding woman, and they had issues.. he'd probably feel like a drowning man, as the deep connecting communication would slowly die... 

Our differences here are a plus.. 

I highly respect Dr John Gottman's work as a Marriage therapist/ expert, writer.. when I read this Volatile style for the 1st time.. how he described it.. I couldn't deny this.. often we laugh in the midst of our PASSIONATE FIGHTS.. it's like a release too.. I wouldn't even change it..but it's true... a couple needs an optimal ratio of 5:1 positive to negative behaviors in the relationship....or it's going to falter... ours is so far above this like I mentioned.

3 yrs.. that's quite a record there Wolf ! I have noticed your thoughts on this.. when I wrote my post.. in the back of my head I was thinking.. Wolf would not LIKE MY TYPE -- a little too hot headed in a moment!

I often say I can be a feisty one...I have also shared my husband is attracted to women like this.. but she also has to have a SOFT SIDE ...which I very much do.. and he fell in love with early on... I am very accommodating, supportive, I reach to understand....I guess I have a range of hats ... aggressive (he likes it in the bedroom!) but it can also show up in an argument...yes.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well you explained with an example I was trying to get clarity on. Seems the assumption was the woman who remained calm was actually the person with ill intent. I was only asking how you knew that. Seems like a big leap to me


I know because I ended up on the receiving end of it. Previously she had told me of a reaction she had received to what she relayed as an "innocent question". I was taken aback at how the other person reacted. It didn't make a great deal of sense, especially since I'd met that person a number of times and liked them. However, if I were to take her at face value, that person was suddenly a thieving, shallow, nasty person who was just out to get what they could.

Then, she did exactly the same thing to me, and I had my moment of realisation. In her mind she's a saint, to everyone else it's a completely different story, and no one knows until they see it or hear it for themselves because she spins a web of lies that she herself believes is true.

If a person repeatedly has the same problems with others where they can't understand why they are getting these seemingly underserved reactions, they should start looking within. Who is the common denominator? THAT'S the question too few ask themselves.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

breeze;13349034[B said:


> ]I know because I ended up on the receiving end of it.[/B] Previously she had told me of a reaction she had received to what she relayed as an "innocent question". I was taken aback at how the other person reacted. It didn't make a great deal of sense, especially since I'd met that person a number of times and liked them. However, if I were to take her at face value, that person was suddenly a thieving, shallow, nasty person who was just out to get what they could.
> 
> Then, she did exactly the same thing to me, and I had my moment of realisation. In her mind she's a saint, to everyone else it's a completely different story, and no one knows until they see it or hear it for themselves because she spins a web of lies that she herself believes is true.
> 
> If a person repeatedly has the same problems with others where they can't understand why they are getting these seemingly underserved reactions, they should start looking within. Who is the common denominator? THAT'S the question too few ask themselves.


that's why I was asking you didn't clarify that. Sounds like she is aggressive in a passive aggressive way to me. Not at all what I was talking about though.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't think you understand, and that's why you make me wonder...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

breeze said:


> I don't think you understand, and that's why you make me wonder...


I actually think I do understand just think we are talking about different things but we can agree to disagree if you wish. Was just trying to get clarity


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hubby and I disagree on things sometimes and I can get emotional - especially when it comes to the issues we're having with his family and the way they treat me at the moment...my becoming emotional stems from frustration I think - he just can't see it until I point it out and I'm like "really?" lol.

We never, ever yell at each other or name call - neither of us would tolerate that. We respect each other immensely, would never speak badly of the other.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

breeze said:


> I know a person who praised herself often about how she kept calm during disagreements when the other person would lose their temper. To hear her talk she was a saint who would stand there and keep her cool at all times and try to discuss the problem rationally. When she told me that she had "calmly and quietly" asked someone something and the person had gotten immediately defensive and angry she made it sound like they were guilty of something because of their response. Then I came to realise that her "calmly and quietly" was actually malicious, venomous and quiet to a normal person.
> 
> Therefore, I don't necessarily trust people when they say they are remaining calm and rational in the face of their spouses fury. Maybe they are being truthful in their own minds, but maybe the other person would have a very different point of view.


I understand this. My H is like this. He doesnt "praise" himself for it but he does say he doesnt like to argue, doesnt like confrontation, says that I just like to argue, stuff like that. 

Conflict avoidant doesnt even begin to describe him. If i even remotely talk about my feelings, he shuts down completely. Like will literally not say one word. He wont walk away. He will just sit there and say NOTHING. And it does make me angry because it feels like I dont matter.

Unfortunately, I am an "except for" example, so Im not justified in walking away. He is sick. Ive been with him 17 years (since i was 15) and his illness has gotten worse and worse. He is on permanent disability so I am the sole provider. He gets excruciating pain when his heart rate rises so no sex, no carrying groceries, no moving stuff, no nothing. 

Not only am I absolutely everything for our family, Im not allowed to use him as a support person because it stresses him out. He cant do anything about it so i shouldnt share me feelings about it. Ive talked to countless people about these issues and the common response is "he is sick, you have to be understanding". I am MORE than understanding. My entire life has been dedicated to this. His being sick does not make my feelings disappear. I am still human. With human feelings, just like everyone else. The only difference is that expressing them in our situation makes me wrong while, in any other situation, it would be my right.


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