# Am I being a fool? Time will tell.....



## justme85

Hi everyone,

A little over a week ago I found that my partner of 2 years had been chatting up girls online. I kicked him out as I was crushed. We've spent countless hours talking. This was something he had been doing for the last 8 years. It had become a crutch of some sort, an addiction, and he didn't realise how bad it had become. We had a perfectly happy relationship. I believe this as, well from my side this was definitely true. He has assured me this was never because of something I or 'we' were lacking.

So.... he has begged for another chance and made every promise and reassurance under the sun that this will never be an issue again. He immediately fessed up to his parents and went to the GP to be referred for counselling. I believe it when he says he doesn't want to end, and doesn't want this to ever happen again. We've also attended a relationship counselling session together. It was painful but we both agreed that reconfirmed our belief that we have something special, and the focus now if for him to attend sessions alone to deal with this issue.

I am hoping with everything I have that this reconciliation will work. I appreciate that compared to some marriages/relationships, ours is relatively young and new. I have never been as happy with someone and we are both able to be ourselves. We believe that him moving back in will help rather than hinder, as no matter where he is, the situation wont change.

I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar position? I know there are no time scales but I don't really know where we go from here to rebuild trust? I don't want to live a life where he cant own a phone or a laptop. Prevention is not what I want, I want him not to want to do this again. 

Do we have any hope??


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## Hope1964

Yep, I have

My Story


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## hereinthemidwest

Gosh...I seen my life flash before my eyes. My husband 2001
chatting / video cam a chic. I stopped the internet until the kids needed it for school. Thou never fully trusted him. Then 2009 knocked on my ass. He had been having a full blow affair with someone from the internet for two years. Only difference YOURs asking for couseling now. 

It's hard...once trust is gone. I often think the years I wasted. I could of been long down the road. I can't believe how many lives / homes this internet has DESTROYED. Good luck to you. Your going to need it.


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## cdbaker

It sounds like you guys are doing the right things, I'd say you have good cause to be hopeful.

One thing I thought I would ask, as it is often related to issues like this, is what is his relationship with porn like? I've found that 95+% of guys use porn to some degree, and I'd guess that 80-90% of them are addicted in some capacity, though most of them would never admit it. Porn can easily be a marriage killer, and porn use/addiction can easily go hand-in-hand with the type of behavior that your husband has already indicated he was addicted to.

Either way, the only other suggestion I might have is that he aught to have some 3rd party accountability. That's usually what any addiction requires to be honest. I say 3rd party because addictions are hard to break, some can never be fully broken, and the person struggling with addiction has to be able to be honest with someone about it and that person shouldn't be you, the person who would be hurt most by hearing it. After all, the only message he wants you to receive is, "I'm so sorry, I never want this to happen again and I will take steps to ensure that." While that is certainly true, it will also likely be true that there are days he is tempted to give in, there are days that it will be a struggle, so he aught to consider finding a male friend of his who is supportive that he can talk to about this when he needs to. It's sort of like being a "sponsor" to an alcoholic really.


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## justme85

@hope1964: Thank you. I have read your story and it does provide comfort that a reconciliation is manageable.

@hereinthemidwest: So sorry to hear things didn't work out. Did your husband open up about everything initially and seek help? The worry about him 're-offending' scares the hell out of me! =S

@cd baker: Thank you for your helpful words. Porn isn't an issue. We have an active sex life and have both used porn before. He is aware that I would use it if, for example, he is away and I don't mind him using it in the same regard. I certainly don't feel that the 'abuse' of porn is an issue as I have asked for complete honesty and I feel that admitting to the use of porn, rather than cam2cam flirting, would be an easier admission.


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## cdbaker

Glad to hear that you do not feel it is an issue of concern. I'll still stand by my suggestion that he find an accountability partner for his admitted addiction, at least for a year or two. Even if he doesn't think it might be necessary, it'll be one more way to him to prove his commitment and put you at ease just a little bit more and make rebuilding trust that much easier.


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## justme85

@CDbaker What's an accountability partner?


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## cdbaker

An accountability partner is someone with whom you trust to help keep you focused and be willing to intervene if you are at risk of re-engaging the addiction. You can think of it like a sobriety partner in AA. Someone with whom you have shared your addiction, and can call on them anytime to air your current struggle with or seek assistance from. In porn/internet related addictions, which your husband's is definitely somewhat internet related, there is software out there that can simply record your web traffic history and, if your web traffic includes any questionable websites, the address, time and date will be recorded and automatically e-mailed to the accountability partner. The software isn't designed to block access (Web blockers always have a natural tendency to block unintended sites. I remember trying blocking software once and my daughter suddenly couldn't access one of her favorite sites, "girlsgogames.com, because I guess the blocker figured it was porn of some kind), it merely removes your ability to keep your web surfing secret and anonymous. The idea is that you'll be less likely to "crash" and give in to the addiction, if you know that you'll get caught.

Typically, the accountability partner SHOULD NOT be a spouse, nor a member of the opposite sex. The problem with it being a spouse is that the spouse is much too close to the matter, and the addicted person will not feel like he/she can be truly honest with the spouse, as they should be with an accountability partner. For example, your husband likely has urges to reach out and communicate with other women from time to time, but do you want to hear about it all the time? Wouldn't it hurt just a little every time to know that, earlier this afternoon he had these thoughts and struggled to not go to his old websites to chat up other girls? Not to mention, could he even be honest enough to share that struggle with you? See it just doesn't work, it needs to be a good friend or perhaps someone else suffering with the same addiction.


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## tracyishere

I don't believe people look outside the relationship for no reason. he was getting something out of this relationship. You and he need to discover what IT is so that you can incorporate it into your own. Just Saying...


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## Bellavista

My husband did something similar justme85. He was having cyber affairs with 3 other women, from a different culture to us. I found this out just over a year ago.

in the end, he says he kept on going with it, because they were giving him validation. While I thought I was being supportive by my actions, he actually needed to hear me say it. In no way does this excuse his behaviour as he could have spoken to me, however, these things rarely occur in isolation.

So, yes there is hope, however, you will go through a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes it will feel like too much, you will start to see every little change of behaviour or mood as suspicious. Keep reading other people's stories and don't be afraid to ask for advice, even if you feel stupid for asking questions.

All the best.

With counselling and with me having to all of his media devices, he does not appear to have fallen again.


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## justme85

@cdbaker. Thank you for the explanation! I will mention this to him. the computer stuff is probably too technical for me. i'd rather have it on the laptop without his knowledge so i know that he is being truthful when he tells me this is not continuing

@tracyishere: this is exactly what i think/thought!! you dont do these things for no reason.. his answer so far is that i am not lacking or we are not lacking in any area... he has been doing this so long he doesn't know how to stop. im obviously dubious so we will see how this runs

@bellavista: thank you for your story. it is helpful knowing there is hope for us. sometimes i feel practically back to normal. right now i feel like crap as he has gone out with his friends (regularly weekly thing) and even though i believe he is where im told he is, there's just that niggle of doubt. i hate it


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## tracyishere

He may be saying that out of fear of hurting you or guilt. Or he may not know how to put his feelings into words. I think it is very important that you find out though or this need that is not being met at home may become met elsewhere again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

tracyishere said:


> I think it is very important that you find out though or this need that is not being met at home may become met elsewhere again.


Rubbish.

People cheat because they're selfish scumbags. not because there's a 'need' not being met at home. If there's a problem with the marriage, that's a totally separate issue. Telling someone to fix what's wrong with the marriage so that their partner doesn't go looking for it elsewhere is ridiculous. When your partner cheats, the VERY first thing you need to determine is if they are showing signs of being willing to change and stop IMMEDIATELY, and show true remorse. If they aren't, then no matter what you do isn't going to change them. If they are being truly remorseful, then it's up to you whether you want to try and R. If you do try and R, THEN it's time to figure out what can be done to improve the marriage. NOT because they cheated, but because no one is perfect, no marriage is perfect, and R can only occur when BOTH partners are fully invested in improving things TOGETHER.


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## tracyishere

Hope1964 said:


> Rubbish.
> 
> People cheat because they're selfish scumbags. not because there's a 'need' not being met at home. If there's a problem with the marriage, that's a totally separate issue. Telling someone to fix what's wrong with the marriage so that their partner doesn't go looking for it elsewhere is ridiculous. When your partner cheats, the VERY first thing you need to determine is if they are showing signs of being willing to change and stop IMMEDIATELY, and show true remorse. If they aren't, then no matter what you do isn't going to change them. If they are being truly remorseful, then it's up to you whether you want to try and R. If you do try and R, THEN it's time to figure out what can be done to improve the marriage. NOT because they cheated, but because no one is perfect, no marriage is perfect, and R can only occur when BOTH partners are fully invested in improving things TOGETHER.


I respectfully disagree with this. A marriage is built on teamwork. It is not one person's responsibility to keep the marriage healthy. I am not blaming the WS, as cheating is never the answer. But, what I am saying is that something was probably lacking in order for the SO to get to a point where they felt they needed to cheat.

I agree the marriage needs to improve, and how you would do that is by fixing what was wrong in the first place (most likely the cause of the WS to stray). 

Just saying...


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## justme85

@hope Thank you for a very honest reply.

My partner has shown nothing but remorse from the second i confronted him. He told me everything i needed to know, any question i asked was answered. He has taken every insult, tear, accusation, moodswing and never once tried to turn the blame to me. He has accepted full responsibility and informed his parents of what he had done and has arranged counselling straight away. We've been to one session together but he starts individual counselling on monday.

He has done nothing but reassure me when i've had my doubts and literally done everything right he could have done. He has read lots of things online about how to make things work and rebuild trust, and makes sure he texts/calls and if he has an appointment somewhere he will casually show me the letter as proof (i've asked for none of this). I did ask him what he would do if i asked to check his email/facebook etc whilst he was out one evening and he immediately replied with his passwords.

He is doing everything that i would expect him to do. It is incredibly hard at times, but I think we can make it. He is under NO illusion that he will EVER get another chance if i find out or suspect he has broken my trust again. 

Thank you again for the reply. Its much appreciated


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## Married but Happy

Hope1964 said:


> Rubbish.
> 
> People cheat because they're selfish scumbags. not because there's a 'need' not being met at home. If there's a problem with the marriage, that's a totally separate issue. Telling someone to fix what's wrong with the marriage so that their partner doesn't go looking for it elsewhere is ridiculous. When your partner cheats, the VERY first thing you need to determine is if they are showing signs of being willing to change and stop IMMEDIATELY, and show true remorse. If they aren't, then no matter what you do isn't going to change them. If they are being truly remorseful, then it's up to you whether you want to try and R. If you do try and R, THEN it's time to figure out what can be done to improve the marriage. NOT because they cheated, but because no one is perfect, no marriage is perfect, and R can only occur when BOTH partners are fully invested in improving things TOGETHER.


I understand what you're saying, but don't fully agree. If there are problems with the marriage, they are probably related to _motivation _to cheat. Fixing those things may or may not prevent cheating, but not fixing them when they have been brought to your attention creates an unstable situation that can lead to bad choices as they create weakness and lowered barriers to an opportunity that may arise.

I've never cheated, and hope I never do. I do feel that if my marriage were in trouble, I'd be making every effort to fix the problems, and demand the same from my wife. If I'd done that for years with no cooperation or progress, I'd probably just leave. However, if I were weak and really angry, I might cheat (I believe anyone could in the wrong set of circumstance - motive plus opportunity plus weakness).

I also think that if I ever did reach the point where I cheated, I'd be done with the marriage at that point, and for good reason. I'd very likely have been hurt too, so wouldn't feel remorse or want anything to do with reconciliation - it would be a matter of too little, too late. Of course, what I would do and how I would feel isn't what I expect of anyone else. Their circumstances are probably different.


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## Hope1964

tracyishere said:


> I respectfully disagree with this. A marriage is built on teamwork. It is not one person's responsibility to keep the marriage healthy. I am not blaming the WS, as cheating is never the answer. But, what I am saying is that something was probably lacking in order for the SO to get to a point where they felt they needed to cheat.
> 
> I agree the marriage needs to improve, and how you would do that is by fixing what was wrong in the first place (most likely the cause of the WS to stray).
> 
> Just saying...


Again, rubbish. You have it completely backwards and you DO sound like you're blaming the BS for the WS cheating. But once that line is crossed - once one partner has cheated - there IS no marriage. And there never WILL be a marriage unless the WS admits 100% fault for what they did. THEN the marriage can be dissected and the BS can look for what they can do to improve it. but NEVER with an eye to preveting the cheater from straying again. That's impossible. The focus has to be on making the marriage better for it's own sake. The bs holds ZERO accountability for the cheater cheating. ZERO. Unless, of course, they took their husbands penis and inserted it into OW's vagina against his will.


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## justme85

@tracy I do appreciate your review as well. I can understand your point of view. I myself insisted to him that there must be something wrong. I told him that we were at rock bottom now and if he could tell me where the issues are we can work on them together.

I know this sounds like BS but we do really work well together. Like two peas in a pod. He was chatting to people online before myself, for about the last 8 years. He thinks its an addiction as its the first thing he had always turned to when he was bored. 

Again, I pointed out the other things he could have done to cure boredom. We are hoping any issues can be uncovered in counselling. Im a realist, and have told him that I welcome any honesty about any of my shortcomings. Im not perfect and a relationship cant be without openness and honesty.


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## Hope1964

Married but Happy said:


> I understand what you're saying, but don't fully agree. If there are problems with the marriage, they are probably related to _motivation _to cheat. Fixing those things may or may not prevent cheating, but not fixing them when they have been brought to your attention creates an unstable situation that can lead to bad choices as they create weakness and lowered barriers to an opportunity that may arise.
> 
> I've never cheated, and hope I never do. I do feel that if my marriage were in trouble, I'd be making every effort to fix the problems, and demand the same from my wife. If I'd done that for years with no cooperation or progress, I'd probably just leave. However, if I were weak and really angry, I might cheat (I believe anyone could in the wrong set of circumstance - motive plus opportunity plus weakness).
> 
> I also think that if I ever did reach the point where I cheated, I'd be done with the marriage at that point, and for good reason. I'd very likely have been hurt too, so wouldn't feel remorse or want anything to do with reconciliation - it would be a matter of too little, too late. Of course, what I would do and how I would feel isn't what I expect of anyone else. Their circumstances are probably different.


When your marriage sucks you have four choices.
1) do nothing
2) divorce
3) work on things
4) cheat

What YOU choose to do is YOUR choice. 100%. Period. What your spouse chooses to do is theirs. Saying that marital problems led to the cheating is a total cop out and is NEVER justified. If things are so bad you feel the need to cheat, then, like you say, the marriage is over. If you choose to do the dishonorable thing and cheat, that's ALL on you.


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## tracyishere

I speak from my own experience. I know I was not the ideal spouse and had I took my marriage more seriously my H would not have felt neglected and alone. 

Now that I am aware of how my H felt about us, I am able to work on the areas that I had been failing at. 

No, I am not entirely at fault for his affair. But, I am at fault for not meeting his needs.


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## Hope1964

tracyishere said:


> I speak from my own experience. I know I was not the ideal spouse and had I took my marriage more seriously my H would not have felt neglected and alone.
> 
> Now that I am aware of how my H felt about us, I am able to work on the areas that I had been failing at.
> 
> No, I am not entirely at fault for his affair. But, I am at fault for not meeting his needs.


Don't you see the difference between not meeting his needs and causing him to cheat???? No spouse meets their partners needs 100%. Many fail to meet them adequately at all. Yet many do NOT cheat when this happens. Did YOU cheat? Were YOUR needs being met?

Choosing to cheat is a selfish, self serving, narcissistic answer to marital problems, and if you really think that you made your husband cheat on you, I pity you.


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## tracyishere

Hope1964 said:


> Don't you see the difference between not meeting his needs and causing him to cheat???? No spouse meets their partners needs 100%. Many fail to meet them adequately at all. Yet many do NOT cheat when this happens. Did YOU cheat? Were YOUR needs being met?
> 
> Choosing to cheat is a selfish, self serving, narcissistic answer to marital problems, and if you really think that you made your husband cheat on you, I pity you.


I did not say I made him do that. I do not blame myself at all. No pity needed, but thanks.

I did not say cheating was right, in fact I said the opposite. 

What I did say is that my H's needs were not being met, and yes he chose to cheat instead of work on the marriage. But, sometimes the right solution is not always the easiest. Marriage is hard work. 

I am merely saying that there were issues plaguing our marriage that we both chose to ignore. It was to the point where we were both unhappy. Had I made an effort to improve the marriage the results would have been much different.


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## Hope1964

You said "No, I am not entirely at fault for his affair". Thereby taking part of the blame. 

I'm just callin' 'em as I see 'em.

I also think it's pretty fantastical to say that if you had done things differently you could have prevented him from cheating. NO one can know that. And by saying so, again, you're taking part of the blame.

There are cheaters who cheat just because they can. Who ARE happy. Whose spouses DO meet all their needs. Then there are cheaters who find themselves unhappy and take the easy way out and cheat. It's easy to say that the second type wouldn't cheat if their marriage was happy, and that may be true. But that is NOT the same as saying their spouse is to blame. At all. Crossing the line that they did and cheating is ALL on them. I will never be convinced otherwise. Sorry.


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## tracyishere

Well, I am happy to agree to disagree!!

Cheers.


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