# What’s next ? Want to reconcile but cut off from communication



## Thereal853 (Nov 3, 2017)

My wife and I have been married about 3.5 years , together for about 8. We have recently separated due to some selfish actions and lies on my part. I never physically cheated but crossed a line I shouldn’t have . We have had a few issues in our marriage regarding stupid lies I’ve told . In hindsight they were lies to just avoid dealing with the “drama” of the actual situation. The coverup is always worse than the crime. We owned a business together so our lives have been very intertwined for years. She has stuck by me in the past but seems to have finally given up on me . I’m beside myself . There’s nobody to blame but myself . 

I’m doing everything I can to save our marriage and our relationship but she is not accepting , will not even communicate . It’s only been a little over a month but it’s heartbreaking losing my best friend. She closed our bank accounts , shut our business down and left me having to borrow money and try to rebuild my life from zero while we go thru this process. She has escalated the situation to an injunction for a restraining order , I do not want to lose communication with her so I have left town and been couch hopping with friends and just try to get my head on straight. Shes claiming domestic violence - but I’ve never hit her or anything like that. She’s Italian , we fight hard and love hard. We head to a mediation later in the month but I’m more interested in trying to save “us” than figure out who gets what in a messy split . I’ve been writing her emails and really been able to discover the reasons for some of my mistakes but I’m afraid it’s too late. I’m taking another step back and going to leave her alone for a while and see what that does ....we talked for 3 hours on the phone yesterday and had a great convo but later in the day she called me back and the switch was flipped and she wanted me back out of her life .....sorry for the rambling but just looking for unbiased advice . I don’t want to give up on us but I’m backed against the wall and just want to talk to my wife . I feel if we could be alone for few hours we could talk it out and progress towards healing but I can’t get to that step. 
What do i do ?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your only option is no contact.

If you chase they move farther away.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What was the line you crossed, and why has she needed to take out a restraining order out on you?


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## Thereal853 (Nov 3, 2017)

She took out a restraining order against me claiming domestic violence . She is “scared for her life.” 
I’d never hurt her , never have gotten physical
With her, never had the cops called etc...I’m
Not an abuser . I’m doing everything I possibly can to wrong my right if possible and regain her trust , the last thing I want to do is cause drama or anything that would rock the boat . I’ll argue and fight but hitting a woman is not my thing. I feel it’s a tactic by her family and attorney to make sure I have no contact with her . I don’t know . 
I got very drunk in Vegas and texted a hooker . I understand all the insinuations about my intentions but after much self reflection I just don’t think I was going thru with it , it was sad drunken curiosity . She went thru my phone and checked and found out it was a hooker. I’ve never cheated on her , didn’t cheat on her then but did selfishly text a hooker. I don’t know where my mind was at , I’m embarassased and ashamed. It was irresponsible and selfish and just an immature desision. She has been concerned about my drinking in the past , I’ve since curtailed the drinking but it was such a violation of her trust she is questioning everything now . She has accused me of using cocaine (never ) , cheating on her multiple
Times (never ) being abusive , the whole nine yards. I’ve admitted my mistakes to her and we made it 1 counseling session together before it was a mixture of she gave up on it and I was in a tailspin from my wife leaving me. We need the therapy but I was not emotionally
Ready, I was still in a panic . For the first 7 days after she moved out and took all of our money I didn’t know up from down. I was frustrated , scared , emotional , drunk , just the worst version of myself that I could be. In 7’days I lost my businsss and my wife , it was overwhelming and I don’t have anyone else to turn to but her. I ended up leaving town and just trying to get my mind right , stop drinking and just focus on myself . I’ve since been able to take a step back , been reading a lot and really been able to self reflect. I have some issues i need help with and WE have some issues we need help with. I’m just scared I violated her trust so bad I won’t be able to earn it back. I’m not angry with her , I understand how badly I hurt her . I know healing is a process and I’m just trying to be there if I can for her . Like I said , we had a great talk yesterday for 3 hours and laughed and talked about reconciling etc but the switch flipped later in the day . I went from having hope to hope being destroyed again , i think this is somewhat how I made her feel with my foolishness. I begged her to drop the injunction so I can come back to town and we can make an attempt at therapy and it sounded like she would ....until she dropped the hammer. 

If there’s a chance for forgiveness I know it will take time. I told her I’m all in , like I’ve always been but it was a major violation that I don’t know she will get past . Embarrassed , ashamed , lost and alone . She wants me to SHOW her I’m the man she married and I’m doing my best to do that but I cant show a person that has that order against me . 

I’m just stepping away for a while and will let the process continue , I have no other choice .


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

The first thing you need to do is get legal representation. She cannot unilaterally withdraw all funds. If you do nothing you'll be taken to the cleaners.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

explain to me how she could institute a restraining order with no evidence of domestic violence. how do people get away with that, are the courts that stupid?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like you're a drunk. Stop the alcohol and any bad habits 100%. No cutting back. Just stop. This shows you have self control. Amazing how many people have no self control. Look at all the fat people out there. People that smoke/chew/gum nicotine 24/7. People that can't go a day without booze. Having self control and making positive choices is empowering.

Then start working on yourself. Hit gym 5x a week. Get into the best shape of your life. Drink only water. Eat healthy 100% of the time. Don't worry bout her, she's gone like yesterday. It's time to focus on yourself and just maybe she'll reconsider someday or you'll find an even better woman to replace her with. You can only control you, so start there.


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## Thereal853 (Nov 3, 2017)

There’s an injunction - it’s not active or whatever it’s called until I’m served. I’m not getting served because I’m out of state until this stuff is over. Yes , I have representation . It’s been a hard road because i handled the logistics and made sure our company was profitable but she handled all the credit cards , bank accounts , passwords , everything . I’ve had to start over until we get some resolution in mediation and I can get some money. She claimed she took all the money to “protext Me from myself “ but now she won’t give me anything even though she has no interest in protecting me from myself anymore. If I ask for money she explodes and says that’s all I care about , no it’s really not but I’ve had to humble myself as a 35 year old and take a loan from my parents just to get attempt to get back on my feet. I had to walk into a bank a start a new bank acct , apply for credit cArds , get a cAr - stuff I never thought I’d have to do as stupid as that sounds . 
I did drink too much and blamed it on the stress of life , business ownership , family drama , but in reality there is no excuse except my lack of self control. Throughout all this bull**** I want to stay married , she is my best friend , confidant , partner , lover and my better half. I can move past the hateful things she’s done to hurt me financially if she would just give me a chance to reconcile. I don’t want a divorce but I do think it’s inevitable . It’s a tough pill to swallow because we were successful , started a good business from the ground up , made great money and generally just didn’t fail at much. Failure isn’t in our vocabulary. If I could just get her alone and talk to her in person I know we would come out the other end ok but I don’t think I’m getting that chance .


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You realize your mistakes. That's what life is about. You need to stop focusing on her. Your focus is now getting your business back up and making more money. Your new addiction is working out, drinking only water and healthy foods with high protein. You can mix the water with protein 3x a day to have a chocolate shake to get your daily intake. 

Also, are you sure she doesn't have another guy? Most women don't leave unless there is a new person waiting to help and motivate them with the transition. You should also consult an attorney with what she did with your finances and the business. There could be consequences for her actions.


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## Thereal853 (Nov 3, 2017)

Yes I’m sure she doesn’t have another guy. She is loyal like no other . Im positive. 
Yes we’re working thru the business stuff - it’s messy right now . I’ve got a bunch of the physical assets from our business but she has the titles - nothing has been illegal since we were on everything together . We can’t sell anything but all she is trying to do is make me suffer a bit without money . Well each get our fair share but she holds more of the cards right now . 
I’m in the process of starting a new business, just a new endeavor totally. I’ve lost interest in the business we started together - without her the fun of it is gone . Just trying to get my
Head right right and my motivation in the right place . 

I’m just struggling letting go , we’ve been thru so much together and love each other so much. I don’t want to give up on that yet . My priority is still her mentally - I know it needs to be me but I’ve lived for her for so long it’s hard to make that transition. I’m finally starting to sleep and eat again - yes I was that down. I’ve lost 25 pounds in 30 days ....and I wasn’t a fatty haha . 
Thanks for the motivation and encouragement. It’s crazy all the “friends “ I thought I had when married and not 1 calls and asks how
I’m doing thru this terrible process.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

One thing I have come to realize is that whether or not you believe things happen for a reason, they still serve a purpose. At this point you have only one option and that is to focus on your self and become a better person. You cannot control what she does or how she does it or why she does it. All you can control is your self. It may very well be way too late for this situation. In fact from what you have said, it would appear as though this was something that has been building for some time. You blamed your drinking on stress and life and marriage - when has any of that changed? Do you not think it would still be there if you did manage to nice your way back into her life? Too many times we focus on the immediate cause and never stop to think about all that has lead to that point.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


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## Thereal853 (Nov 3, 2017)

I’m honestly not sure - pure drunken horny curiosity . I don’t know. I’ve tried to come up with a reason . I don’t have one . 
I’ve never used a hooker in my life - in hindsight I didn’t have any actual physical desire to sleep
With someone else . I just don’t know . I’m so frustrated and angry at myself for such a foolish decision . So foolish and selfish. Doesn’t matter if she found out or not . Just disgusted with myself about it . 
I was well pickled . I have no excuse either way . I was dead wrong and don’t get to take it back . 


We had problems but nothing that couldn’t have been solved. We should have gone to therapy a bit ago. We had a miscarriage about 8 months ago and it really started to highlight some of our drama and sadness with each other . I know she hadn’t gotten over it yet and it still caused me a great deal of sadness. I don’t think either of us knew how to properly process and work through that loss.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

You come across as pretty confused. I think you need to forget about talking it out with her, for now, and concentrate on fixing yourself - get sober, maybe get in AA, maybe get in individual therapy. Work the program. 

Your posts are all over the place:
first blaming yourself, in rather vague terms - "There’s nobody to blame but myself" "I’m embarassed and ashamed. It was irresponsible and selfish and just an immature desision"

but then just wanting to move right past it - "I feel if we could be alone for few hours we could talk it out and progress towards healing", "If I could just get her alone and talk to her in person I know we would come out the other end ok", as if you can just fix this with a few hours talk

and minimising blame on yourself - "I’d never hurt her , never have gotten physical", "texted a hooker . I understand all the insinuations about my intentions but after much self reflection *I just don’t think I was going thru with it*", "She has accused me of using cocaine (never ) , cheating on her multiple Times (never)", so although you say you are admitting your mistakes, you don't actually admit a lot in your posts. What mistakes _have_ you admitted?

and then blaming her and her family - "She claimed she took all the money to protext Me from myself but now she won’t give me anything even though she has no interest in protecting me from myself anymore" , 
"the hateful things she’s done to hurt me financially", "all she is trying to do is make me suffer a bit without money" and worst of all you keep saying she is making false accusations of domestic violence. 

So there are two different ways you can tell this:
(a) "I was wrong, I admit my mistakes" - in which case you need to say a bit more clearly what you think your mistakes are, and stop listing all the things your wife has accused you of that are _not_ true. 

Or (b) "my wife is making all sorts of false accusations, and has taken all the money and left, and I didn't really do much wrong beyond getting a bit drunk" - in which case you need a tough lawyer, and just drop all that stuff about "I am so ashamed"

At the moment you seem to be trying to have both of these stories. Which is it?


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## Thereal853 (Nov 3, 2017)

Good point . Thanks - I am a lost puppy right now ?
I’m frustrated at myself for my stupid mistakes but I’m also frustrated at her reactions I guess you could say. I don’t know if that’s selfish to say but she left me high and dry and I’m struggling to recover. I understand I put her in the position but I thought we were both adults and we could have talked it through . It’s hard to focus on yourself and improve when you’ve got the monetary issues hanging over your head . I went from no monetary worries to being in a major financial bind until this ends basically overnight. That’s been an adjustment in and of itself .


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> explain to me how she could institute a restraining order with no evidence of domestic violence. how do people get away with that, are the courts that stupid?


She walks into family court and tells the judge that she's afraid of her husband because he's acted in a threatening way, such as blocking her exit from a room- that's all it takes. The judge will err on the side of caution because no judge wants to be on the front page of the news as the one who allowed a guy access to his wife who he shot in the head or whatever. 

The "domestic violence-restraining order" tool has been used, primarily women to get the upper hand early in the divorce on many an occasion, and many divorce attorneys will strongly suggest the woman consider doing this even if there's never been a hint of violence in the relationship.

Eventually there will be a hearing, and if there's no evidence then the restraining order will be dropped, and the woman will typically have no repurcussions for filing the order in the first place.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Thereal853 (Nov 3, 2017)

Thank you for the long, thoughtful response . 
I appreciate it . It’s liberating to just hear other unbiased opinions . I have a small circle and not a lot of options for feedback. Thank you. Reading other threads and people’s
Experiences has been therapeutic . It gives me a lot to think about and ponder about myself as opposed to her . We constantly grow and change in this life and I’m just trying to adjust to my new life changes . I’m not expecting it overnight - it will be an ongoing challenge to adapt and overcome this hurdle in life but I’m confident in myself.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't let her cut off your access to marital funds. You need to defend what is legally yours.

Do everything through a lawyer.

Respect her wishes to stay away.

I suspect she's pretty damn angry with you but hasn't fully detached emotionally, which is why she beating herself up for talking with you. If you've been constantly lying, even small lies, then she legitimately has no reason to trust you, so I'd advise you to stop trying to gain her trust back.

It's too bad she's lying to get an injunction. Physically you may not have touched or threatened her, but lying is a form of abuse.

You also need to stop with the "I don't know why I texted the hooker" excuses. It's like saying McDonald's made me fat. That won't fly here, at least not with me. There's a very obvious reason you did it: because you wanted to. Acknowledging your actual truth rather than hiding behind excuses is the first step toward ensuring a mistake never happens again.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You can't seem to admit to yourself that alcoholism has ruined your marriage. That would be a good first step. When you can admit this, and decide to never touch another drop of alcohol, you might have a good chance at a lasting relationship with someone e else, or maybe even your wife,

I second the notion of getting your money situation resolved.

Curious: what excuse is there to be "pickled" in Vegas without your wife present?
I don't believe the hooker texting is as innocent as you say. It sounds like you're unable to accept the truth on that, either.

As long as you keep the attitude of downplaying your misdeeds, you're sunk with your wife and with yourself.
Own the fact that you have a severe problem with alcohol and do something about it.
It's brought you to this.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Thereal853 said:


> There’s an injunction - it’s not active or whatever it’s called until I’m served. I’m not getting served because I’m out of state until this stuff is over. Yes , I have representation . It’s been a hard road because i handled the logistics and made sure our company was profitable but she handled all the credit cards , bank accounts , passwords , everything . I’ve had to start over until we get some resolution in mediation and I can get some money. She claimed she took all the money to “protext Me from myself “ but now she won’t give me anything even though she has no interest in protecting me from myself anymore. If I ask for money she explodes and says that’s all I care about , no it’s really not but I’ve had to humble myself as a 35 year old and take a loan from my parents just to get attempt to get back on my feet. I had to walk into a bank a start a new bank acct , apply for credit cArds , get a cAr - stuff I never thought I’d have to do as stupid as that sounds .
> I did drink too much and blamed it on the stress of life , business ownership , family drama , but in reality there is no excuse except my lack of self control. Throughout all this bull**** I want to stay married , she is my best friend , confidant , partner , lover and my better half. I can move past the hateful things she’s done to hurt me financially if she would just give me a chance to reconcile. I don’t want a divorce but I do think it’s inevitable . It’s a tough pill to swallow because we were successful , started a good business from the ground up , made great money and generally just didn’t fail at much. Failure isn’t in our vocabulary. If I could just get her alone and talk to her in person I know we would come out the other end ok but I don’t think I’m getting that chance .


You don't get it.

Trying to "convince" her of anything puts her in the position of "judge"

How does that work?

Do you realize that puts lower value on you?


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