# Unable to cope and get life back on track



## kirri (Feb 5, 2009)

Hi, I've been suffering from depression, diagnosed just over 12 months. I was described medication, which didn't help so I've tried to recover on my own for last 4 months now. 
I believe I'm doing better on my own than when taking medication. There is a whole list of reasons why I ended up with depression but the short story is that there has been constant stress in our lives for around 12 years, my husband was a heavy pot smoker and because of that, he has never been there emotionally to deal with anything. I have therefore felt I've been in this marriage on my own and have had to deal with everything! and I mean everything.
I left him 12 months ago because of the pot, I reached a point where I could not tolerate it anymore. He said if I came home he would give it up, so I agreed to go home. We have had a very rocky time since. He has slipped up with smoking his pot a number of times in last 12 months. I've been torn between supporting him with it, (I realise it is not easy for someone who has smoked for nearly 30 years) and being furious that he keeps putting us through this crap.

I used to be a strong, independent person but have become the opposite. He is getting increasingly frustrated with my out of control emotions. Every little thing that goes wrong feels like the end of my world to me. My head knows this is not correct, yet my emotions get that out of control that I am incapable of being calm, reasonable and safe. I've been hospitalised, I've been to marriage guidance on my own, I'm seeing my Dr., and have spoken to a counsellor a few times. They have all told me that I need a support network of family and friends to deal with the depression. The day my Dr. diagnosed me with depression and I told Husband of this, he had no reaction. I may as well have told him I just have a sprained ankle. When I ended up in hospital, he took it seriously at the time. But since, just assumes with time I will get better. I need his support to get through this, just as I've needed him in the past with stuff. Only this time it is different because I can't do this one on my own. He has let me down many times over the years and it has contributed to my feelings of being neglected and unloved. He has not been involved with creating a life together, he has basically been stoned 24/7 our whole marriage. He has now admitted he is resentful that I've expected him to give up the pot. I feel really hurt by this. Our whole lives together he has never discussed how he feels or what he's thinking or what he wants. Now he's telling me he is resentful that he had to give up pot. Our whole marriage I have felt second to pot, it has caused many many problems, every problem seems to me to be connected in some way with the pot smoking.
I'm blaming him and resentful too for how we have both ended up, although I realise he is not totally to blame as I should of made a stand years ago and told him the pot goes or I do. 
Now I've ended up so weak that I cannot survive without his support, even though he is not giving it willing. I am asking for it from him, just like I've always asked for everything in this
marriage that I believe should have been given freely if he truly loved me. I guess I am still feeling unloved, just as I have felt for last 12 years.
I can't leave now if I wanted too because I can't cope with life anymore. I need help definitely. I need to talk to someone. The more I try to talk to him, the more he backs off. He obviously has thoughts, feelings and opinions going on inside but he never expresses them. It has been like living with a friend. He never expresses what he wants out of life, his, or ours. Why bother 
being married?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

kirri said:


> He has now admitted he is resentful that I've expected him to give up the pot. I feel really hurt by this. Our whole lives together he has never discussed how he feels or what he's thinking or what he wants. Now he's telling me he is resentful that he had to give up pot.


oh ya, to a degree i know how this feels. my H is/was addicted to porn and one night when we were talking he actually told me that he resented the fact that i tried to have sex with him. HELLO. i was soooooo angry. i always felt second to his addiction and then he told me my efforts to make our marriage work caused him resentment. ya, i lost it. 

One thing that helped me tremendously was to learn about boundaries. You are going insane because you are trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results. you have no other coping mechanism. you cannot go to your H with your intimate emotional needs. your pain is a sign that you are continually ignoring. you are continually trying to go to him. you arent learning. I know its painful but you need to learn that when it hurts, you stop doing it. believe me i know its hard. ive been there. 

you need to reach out to find other ways to get emotional support. you will not get it from him. deal with that and your life will improve. 

http://www.mudrashram.com/dysfunctionalfamily2.html there's an exercise towards the end of this that helped me so much. i realized, after doing it, that i was forcing my H into an area of my life he was not earning. that's what was causing me to lose my mind. I learned to back off, realize he is just a guy with his own problems, and meet my emotional needs elsewhere.


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

WOw that was a story! I feel that you need to seek help outside the marriage. You have to think about yourself right now and nobody else. You are Number 1. If he cared about you he would want to stop smokin dope, don't you think.


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## kirri (Feb 5, 2009)

Well, I'm learning....Slowly....
I've realised that bad days are not the end of the world, there will always be tomorrow and hopefully tomorrow brings a calmness to allow me to look at things from a better perspective. I realise that I give and give and give and he takes takes takes. I've chosen not to do that anymore. It will be give take give take from now on.

We had an incident last night. We have 2 grandchildren sleep over, they are now 7 and 9. I decided last month that I do not want us to have sex while the children are in the house, my reasons.... I can't be absolutely certain they are asleep, one especially, wakes up a lot during the night. If they wake during the night they will come into our room. The bed is noisy. We can be noisy. And I definitely do not want my grandchildren to have possible memories of Nana & Pop doing it. 
Husband tried it last night, I told him "NO, not while the children are here". He told me, "why didn't you just say?" I told him "I did, last month, five minutes ago and again just now." five minutes later he is gently caressing me, kissing me and rubbing up against me, all very gentle. I got really angry inside. What do I say and how do I say it before he listens to me. I got up without a fuss, didn't say a word and left the room to lay on the couch. I realized then that he tries to manipulate me and guilt me into doing what he wants with no regards to my concerns. No more. I don't need to get angry when he disrespects me. Getting angry has never helped. I just need to be strong and make sure I stick up for myself.
ljtseng is right, I have poor emotional coping skills. I don't want to bag my Mum & Dad, but when I look back on my childhood, I realise we weren't taught anything. Dad was never around, never even spoke to us, unless we were being told off. Mum kept us well fed, well dressed, clean and tidy. Was a perfectionist and kept a spotlessly clean home but never got involved with our lives. Never was there family discussions, they never taught or warned us about life. It was like, I've fed you and kept you clean, now go out there and grow up all by yourself. 
My little sister died in an acident when I was 12, she was 11. NOBODY said a word to us or helped us kids out in anyway. My parents went through hell becasue of it and I knew back then that they weren't coping. So I never spoke up about how I felt. When I look at my grandchildren now and imagine them having to go through anything like that, it would break my heart to see them left to there own devices of coping with the death of a sister. I'm definite that my sister's death had a huge effect on my life. 
Is this the reason why I am emotionally immature? and how do I fix it?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

kirri said:


> Is this the reason why I am emotionally immature? and how do I fix it?


Im really sorry about your sister. Im sure that is part of the reason. I heard some where once that the reason some people cant control their emotions is because their parents were never there to help them calm down. Usually a child learns to calm down by first having their parent calm them down, and eventually the child learns to internalize the method. And the child will see the parents remain calm, or calm themselves down. 

I dont know how you fix it. The way you described your emotions to me sounds very much like one of my sister. She has terrible anxiety attacks and cant calm herself down. she can get quite out of control. My mom also has similar attacks, and so does my grandma. The only thing that i have noticed is that generation to generation the emotional maturity seems to get better. What i mean is, my sister is a little more emotionally stable then was my mom, and my mom is more stable then is my grandma. And i often wonder if sometimes the cure doesnt come from one individual, but through generations. My sister is a little better then my mom, and hopefully her daughter will learn something and get a little better. 

So hopefully your children are doing a little better, and your grandchildren will be happier. Perhaps you cant cure the whole illness in yourself, but maybe you did your small part and generation to generation the illness is eradicated.


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## kirri (Feb 5, 2009)

ljtseng, you think it is an illness? I wasn't always like this though, I was once very capable, independant and strong. I've just made a list of all the stresses that I/we/my son have been through over last 12 years and it was a shock to see them listed. Any wonder I have been stressed to the max. I then made another list of everything way back in my past starting with my sister, that I have lived through and was again shocked and i now admit to myself that "I really have been through a lot of crap". A friend told me years ago, "you are a very strong person to have been through that and coped, I would not have if it were me". another told me years ago, "you have obviously been through hell but you get on with it and don't tell a sole anything, you are so strong". 
And I was, it was like, okay, this happened, I can deal with it, I'll cope, I'll get through it and I always did. But a couple of things happened in my recent past where I needed help, I needed another human being there to help me, talk to me, guide me and look after me. I leaned on my husband, he was oblivious to my needs as usual. He told me "he can't do anything about it". and that was it. I basically fell to pieces. It was like something inside me blew up, spilled out and made a horrible horrible mess and everything that was hurting inside came out for the world to see. I'm probably not making a lot of sense but I feel like my body is full, there is no room to keep anything in anymore and everything is coming out and I don't want it to. I feel like an emotional wreck, weak. Although I'm way better than I was 6 months back.  I feel alone, lonely. Really really lonely, even though there are people around me. I don't understand why I feel this emotion so deeply and painfully.
And i feel very scared? about the future. All the things that gave me pleasure in the past have no interest for me now? It's like I have no direction.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

kirri said:


> ljtseng, you think it is an illness?


Well just by the way you describe how you react to things, and the fact that you married a drug addict tells me it might be an illness. of course im no professional, its just my naive opinion, so dont give it any credence. 



kirri said:


> I was once very capable, independant and strong. But a couple of things happened in my recent past where I needed help, I needed another human being there to help me, talk to me, guide me and look after me. I leaned on my husband, he was oblivious to my needs as usual. He told me "he can't do anything about it". and that was it. I basically fell to pieces.


I really feel for you. This is sort of what happened to me when i met my H. i was really strong, independent and thought i was fine. i was really strong. but as ive learned being strong is just an illusion. love crumbles all illusions. when i fell in love with my H i needed him and i had no idea how to cope with needing someone. Like you experienced, everything just fell apart for me. 

i dont know if your H is still a drug user, but drug addicts are incredibly selfish and emotionally stunted. So you picked a very difficult person to need anything from. He might be quite incapable of the level of emotional understanding you want. 

I am so sorry you are feeling so lonely and scared. I also feel very lonely. I also had a very difficult past. Ive read a lot about it and im at the point that i think it just comes with the territory. dont let the fear get to you. you're just entering a new phase of reality. you might have felt very certain with your coping abilities when everything felt like it was in your control. think of it as going through a little turbulence and you have a new set of controls you dont know how to use. you'll be ok. just take it one day at a time and relearn your controls. you're just out of your element. you can reach a new center of control, it will just be different then before. you'll be more of a whole person if you can get through it. you'll have to learn to expect the unexpected and still know you'll be ok. 

meditation seems to really help me. Learning Meditation Home Page I use a few of the meditations on here and it helps a lot. i especially like "Discover your Inner Guide."


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## kirri (Feb 5, 2009)

ljtseng what you have said makes a lot of sense. 
I've reacted very poorly to the issues. It's easy (easier) to see the situation and what to do about it if I place myself outside it, if you know what I mean, as if I were an outsider looking in. I guess loose the emotion of it.
My H is not using his drug anymore, although like I said before he has slipped up in the past so I can not confidently say he has stopped for good. He at least is well aware now that any slip up is going to be HUGE for us. He does not want to loose me, our home or our future. 
He isn't your stereo type drug user. He's very intelligent, he could have been very successful but chose a simple working man's life, I was happy with his choice, his mother and brother's are not. (there's a whole big issue there for me, his mother never accepted me and made it quite plain to me, not him. She blames me for where he is in life, she even refuses to accept he is/was a dope smoker) I'm not into social standing or material things, I believe my views on that stem from the death of my sister. I learnt early that life as you know it can come crumbling down any moment. Family, friends, people. That's the important stuff in life.
He believed using dope was no worse than having a few beers each night as some do. I accepted his pot smoking when I met him. It's use is huge in this town, some of my friends smoked, my brother smoked, I know teachers, a doctor, accountants, nurses, businessmen who smoke, how could I judge him way back then for smoking when I saw so many (respected) people using? He comes from a good family, (successful) decent, well respected.

There is more to him than his drug use, he is basically a very good person (which is why I've stuck by him, you know, for better or worse) and I deeply love him, I don't want to seperate but at the same time I recognise we need to work hard on this relationship and that it takes two. I'm to blame for a lot of this because of reacting too emotioally. Calm and definite bounderies is the way to go. I realise, right this instant that, yes, I've a problem with boundries and letting other people know them. My son for instance, OMG, he crossed so many with me and I weakly allowed him too. (that's a whole other story LOL)
It's good to talk to some one, your perspective is very welcome. 

PS the meditation page is great, thanks for pointing me there.


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