# Teenage son, long distance relationship



## alexm

I'll try to keep this as short as possible, with only relevant info. My posts tend to go long...

My 15 year old step-son has a girlfriend. They met online 7 or 8 months ago, and that's how the entire relationship has been - online. We're in Canada, she's in the US, and too far to drive for even semi-regular visits.

They met in real life for the first time a week or so ago, when we road-tripped to the States, and diverted course on the way back so they could meet. We spent about 3 hours with her, her mother and her step-dad (and didn't let them out of our sight, I might add!).

So when this relationship was new, we thought it was cute and assumed it wouldn't last, given the distance and everything else. We didn't say this to him, obviously.

Over the next few months, while monitoring his internet activity sporadically (something I think parents should do more of), it became obvious that there was a heavy, heavy emphasis on the sexual side of things. Perfectly normal, I suppose - he's 15, she's 16. But it irked me that is seemed to be her steering the conversations that way, and being the one to send pictures (yup... had to scrub my eyes...). He, of course, is all over that, and only happy to reciprocate. Again, perfectly normal, but... So I sat him down and discussed this with him in a rational, yet parental manner. He does understand, but also said there's much more to their relationship and that they're in love. No argument for me, and I made sure not to make him feel that I disagree (I don't, fwiw), but in my own mind - yes, it's not so much love, as it is "love", if you know what I mean.

So, the above is a non-issue, it's just a bit of background.

The real issue is that the more my wife and I get to know this girl (as well as you can online, anyway) the more it's apparent she is a stereotypical 16 year old drama girl, but x100.

For starters, she lives in an honest-to-goodness trailer park. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but it's such a disconnect from our middle-class existence. Even our boy was a little put off by this when we went to visit, almost as though he was a little embarrassed. We didn't make a big deal of it at all, it is what it is. But you could tell that when our families met, he realized there was a huge gap there.

So, long story short, this girl lives with her unemployed (on disability) mom and her boyfriend, who works two jobs. Her real dad seems to be a bit of a nutbar, which our boy discovered early on. Her mom was high on something (not sure if prescription drugs, or illegal) when we were there, and her stepdad said literally two words the entire time, and kept disappearing to the parking lot of the restaurant we were at. The girlfriend was clingy as all hell the entire time, which was to be expected, but barely paid any attention to the rest of us, either. It was all about our boy, as though everybody else wasn't even there.

We've been back a week now, and she's been drama drama drama the whole time, and he's been at her beck and call.

Just last night, we were decorating the tree - a family thing - and she starts pinging my facebook messenger. "I need to talk to ____, is he there?" "Yes, but we're having family time, I'll let him know, give us an hour." "It's an emergency, I need to talk to him now!" "We're decorating our tree, give us an hour" "I got in a fight with my mom, and I'm going to tell my stepdad about her affair and I think I might hurt myself."

Aaaargh. This is what it's like. She's on medication for anxiety, which apparently makes her fall asleep suddenly. She talks to him at every available opportunity. She's highly highly sexual, and the things that I've seen her chat with our son about is well beyond her years (anal sex, squirting, what she wants to do to his.... etc.)

My wife and I think (know) that if they lived in the same city, he wouldn't have lasted 2 weeks with her. He hates drama. He's broken up with girls because of that reason. He's easy-going, and fairly mature for his age.

We feel he's being taken for a bit of a ride by the girl who's hooked him with sex, and making him feel like her white knight. The things she tells him are not indicative of a 16 year old girl, they're more like a 12 year old with a crush on Justin Bieber. According to her, he's her entire life, she'd be lost without him, don't ever leave me, all that. She wants his baby and she's talking about marriage.

As it's online only (well, Skype, Facetime, etc.) it's a different dynamic than it would be in real life. I have little doubt that he wouldn't stay with her if it was in real life.

We can't talk to him about this, obviously, but it's at the point where he's obsessed almost as much as she is, and it's taking him away from what's important - school, family, etc. He's talking to her online every waking moment of his day. We've spoken to him about this, and he understands, but the next day, he's right back at it. His grades are suffering, he's up half the night, and it's affecting him and everybody around him.

Do we just let it run its course, or what?


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## happy2gether

it will run its course soon enough.


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## Adelais

Our 20 year old son recently ended a "relationship" for the second time with a girl just like that. She was very pretty, but from a terrible background, and desperate for a boyfriend (he didn't know how needy she was, he was flattered that a pretty girl like her was chasing him. She got crazy on him, but kept him hooked with the sex. He broke up with her because of the drama, then she pretended a suicide attempt and went on meds. Out of pity he got back with her, because "she's OK now. She had a chemical imbalance and that was what was making her act crazy." It took two more weeks for her to go wacko again, and I think he is really done this time.

Sadly, your son is going to have to suffer a bit before he has had enough of her drama. Be the rock he can fall back on. Your son will be attracted to pretty girls, and be flattered, and enjoy the sex these girls offer so freely, but when the crazy comes out, he will remember the peace and stability of home, and will tire of the craziness. Eventually, he'll realize that sex isn't worth losing his peace of mind.


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## Chris Taylor

First, you may want to remind him that possession of pictures of a 16-year old that requires eye-scrubbing is considered child pornography.

Second, yeah, let it run its course but keep monitoring. You don't want him planning to run away.


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## SecondTime'Round

alexm said:


> We can't talk to him about this, obviously,


Um, why not?

Also, do you know that your son can be prosecuted for child pornography if he's in receipt of pornographic images of her? (And vice versa)?


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## Omego

alexm said:


> Do we just let it run its course, or what?


I would shut it down now, but that's easier said than done. 

If you can't make him cut off contact, I would not let them be alone together. Sounds like she's looking for a way out of her situation. Suppose she gets pregnant, then what?


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## Adelais

Just because he is a teen himself won't protect him from being prosecuted for possession of pornographic photos of a minor.

Did you hear about what recently happened at Canon City High School in Colorado?

Your son needs to read this:

Colorado Sexting Scandal: 100 Canon City High School Students Could Face Felony Charges

Can you get in contact with the girl's parents and let them know that she is sending pornography to your son? Problem is that he sent some back. But if you can verify by the dates, and she sent them first, enticing your son to reciprocate. Her trashy parents might not care, but they also won't want to be dragged into court because of her, so they might take a selfish interesting in stopping it on their end.


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## norajane

> We can't talk to him about this, obviously, but it's at the point where he's obsessed almost as much as she is, and it's taking him away from what's important - school, family, etc. He's talking to her online every waking moment of his day. We've spoken to him about this, and he understands, but the next day, he's right back at it. His grades are suffering, he's up half the night, and it's affecting him and everybody around him.


Why can't you talk to him? Don't forbid contact, but there's nothing wrong in teaching him the difference between healthy relationships and unhealthy ones, healthy people who CAN have healthy relationships and unhealthy people who can't. You can talk to him about what love is and isn't. You can talk with him about drama and drama-llamas, and about getting sucked into other people's drama (which can make a "relationship" feel more intense solely due to the drama). It doesn't have to be a one-time sit-down convo, either, but things that you drop during the course of the day. Take away the cell phone and ipad when he goes to bed and put them in your bedroom. It's your house; you can have rules.

Also, you can absolutely lay down rules about grades, schoolwork, and his internet usage. Set limits on how much time he can spend online, and on doing his homework before he can get online. If his grades are suffering, you HAVE to lay down these rules. Change the password to the router every night before you go to bed so he can't get up in the middle of the night to go online. Give him the password when he's finished his homework every day. Put his cell phone and ipad in your room at night if he's using mobile devices to talk with her.


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## alexm

Chris Taylor said:


> First, you may want to remind him that possession of pictures of a 16-year old that requires eye-scrubbing is considered child pornography.
> 
> Second, yeah, let it run its course but keep monitoring. You don't want him planning to run away.


We already have, several months ago (I had a thread about it here).

He's moved from having/sending pictures to using certain apps to do so. I don't monitor his interactions the way I used to, but when I do check his tablet and computer, there's nothing saved - that I can see.

He's been warned, and he knows, and he knows too that it's our internet, our home, etc. and that mom and dad could be caught up in stuff like that.


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## alexm

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Just because he is a teen himself won't protect him from being prosecuted for possession of pornographic photos of a minor.
> 
> Did you hear about what recently happened at Canon City High School in Colorado?
> 
> Your son needs to read this:
> 
> Colorado Sexting Scandal: 100 Canon City High School Students Could Face Felony Charges
> 
> Can you get in contact with the girl's parents and let them know that she is sending pornography to your son? Problem is that he sent some back. But if you can verify by the dates, and she sent them first, enticing your son to reciprocate. Her trashy parents might not care, but they also won't want to be dragged into court because of her, so they might take a selfish interesting in stopping it on their end.


Contacting the parent(s) seems to be a no-go. I may not have mentioned in my original post, but the mother is almost as immature as the girl... Also, she's apparently having an affair. And it's clear she was high on something when we all met for the first time. Most definitely anxiety, but she also appeared to be quite smoked up.

Not sure she's exactly a good role model, nor would telling her what her daughters been sending to our son make much difference, unfortunately. Just another thing to drive them further underground (which is VERY easy on the internet).


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## alexm

norajane said:


> Why can't you talk to him? Don't forbid contact, but there's nothing wrong in teaching him the difference between healthy relationships and unhealthy ones, healthy people who CAN have healthy relationships and unhealthy people who can't. You can talk to him about what love is and isn't. You can talk with him about drama and drama-llamas, and about getting sucked into other people's drama (which can make a "relationship" feel more intense solely due to the drama). It doesn't have to be a one-time sit-down convo, either, but things that you drop during the course of the day. Take away the cell phone and ipad when he goes to bed and put them in your bedroom. It's your house; you can have rules.
> 
> Also, you can absolutely lay down rules about grades, schoolwork, and his internet usage. Set limits on how much time he can spend online, and on doing his homework before he can get online. If his grades are suffering, you HAVE to lay down these rules. Change the password to the router every night before you go to bed so he can't get up in the middle of the night to go online. Give him the password when he's finished his homework every day. Put his cell phone and ipad in your room at night if he's using mobile devices to talk with her.



I fully, fully agree with this, and we've used these methods before, with varying degrees of success. Funny enough, but we sort of back on to commercial property, and a free wifi signal is available throughout our house probably 90% of the time. Not good enough to watch youtube with, but more than enough to chat, etc. We can, however, lock up the internet gadgets, but good lord, everything electronic we own seems to be able to connect to the internet! Never mind the 2 laptops, the 2 PCs, the cell phone, 3 tablets, but you have 2 Xboxes, a Playstation, the TV and a blu-ray player - all capable of internet/web browsing/Facebook, etc. We can't lock all of those gadgets up, and all he needs is the intermittent free wifi signal to connect. Pretty darn near impossible to remove contact with this girl.

The issue we have is that we're not necessarily too nice to him - we can be draconian when necessary - the issue is that he's right at that age where, if we limit contact with this girl, it would likely have a detrimental effect. We have no doubt he's "in love".

The GOOD thing about this is that it likely won't be too long before she does or says something that we can use to limit his contact, or have a good chat with him about. He's actually quite mature for his age, and he's a bright kid - just caught in a fog right now. If and when she crosses a line that even he can realize is a bit too far, then we can talk to him and he'll listen. Right now, it's the stereotypical "you don't understand!" teenage garbage.


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## brooklynAnn

alexm, in the US a 15/16 years old sending and receiving nude pics are considered to be involved in child porn. And can be prosecuted and put on the pedophile register and go to jail. Remind him of this. This can really destroy his future.

Just keep having little talks with him and let him know that he is loved. Also, give him hints of what a good relationship is like. Keep him involved with family activities and encourage him to visit and hang out with his friends. Hopefully soon a nice girl will come along and this one will be history.

This is like my greatest fear for my son. The girls are always pushing for more and thank God he likes the xbox more.


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