# Husband cold, distant and withdrawn



## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

First of all I am a muslim woman and I come from a very conservative South Asian country. Hence I didn't sleep with my husband before we got married in mid 2016. I am 40 years old and suffer from depression. I have been seeing a doctor and taking medication. It's been a bumpy ride with my husband since the beginning. But now he has completely become distant, has stopped all physical intimacy. Even a month back he was the most loving husband. We went on a trip to Thailand in January and I had yelled at him there for choosing a crappy hotel. But I apologized a thousand times for that afterward. He was fine when we came back to Bangkok. I have complained about certain things after we came back from our trip, especially his being withdrawn all the time. He would be busy with his phone all day on facebook, instagram and flickr. All of a sudden he has totally drifted away. He says we should sleep in separate rooms, do our own things, and sends me back to my room if i go to his room to apologize for whatever I have done. When I suggest divorce he says he has to think. Last night he was drunk and said he wasn't attracted to me but he had needs and cheating wasn't his thing and he doesn't want another woman either. I said it was okay if he wanted to masturbate and watch porn. Then he said he misses his single life when he could do anything he wanted to. Then he said he might be missing his ex. He said it was my fault that sex was not happening, because I misbehave with him. He said so many hurtful things that I don't even remember all of them. 

The thing is I have no place to go. He probably wants me out, but I don't want to go and live with one of my family members at this age. And I have tried living alone before getting married, but single women living alone have to face so many difficulties. First of all landlords don't want to rent out to single people, even men. Then men harass you all the time, even at work and want to come over to your place and sleep with you. 

Just now my husband came back from work, came to my room, and handed me a Lindt chocolate which is my favorite chocolate. His mixed signals are killing me. I have read something about intimacy anorexics he seems so much to be like one. He even has some of the causes. Trust me, therapists in our country are useless and more damaging. I tried an online therapist once, I wasn't satisfied and was too expensive too.


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## TSman (Feb 28, 2018)

It sounds like a difficult situation to say the least. It sounds like your husband has love for you but is having trouble being satisfied sexually. I know that men that watch porn regularly develop problems with their wife or girlfriend. He probably doesn't even know how porn has affected the way he is aroused with a regular person. I think you should bring that to his attention as there is plenty of literature on the internet about it. Hopefully if he can stay away from porn for a while and you can be supportive of his sexual needs, it will work out well for you.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

If life were a craps game and they had a "husband in an EA" bet to place, that is where I would put most of my chips.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

As near as I can tell from your other threads, both of you have been treating the other pretty poorly. Frankly, you sound like a handful (and not just because of your choice in user names), and I think he's simply disengaged.

Is marriage counseling available in your area?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Your situations sounds quite unusual. Why does a 38 to 39 year old woman get married to a man also of similar age. You probably didn't get married to have children or because you were both madly in lust with each other (as you had not slept with him). So ask yourself why did you marry him and why did he marry you?

Was it about respectability in your two families? Was it about financial partnership? Was it about immigration laws? There must have been some reasons. Yes, I am sure that you hoped that love and passion would grow after marriage, but there must have been other reasons in your two minds as well.

Now as to what to do to try to improve the situation. How about marriage counseling, once you figure out why you got married. You both sound like you could use some professional help.

Good luck.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hes sick of your *****ing all the time!


Try complimenting him and quit *****ing .

You you find him attractive?
Do you ask him what he likes sexually?


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> Your situations sounds quite unusual. Why does a 38 to 39 year old woman get married to a man also of similar age. You probably didn't get married to have children or because you were both madly in lust with each other (as you had not slept with him). So ask yourself why did you marry him and why did he marry you?
> 
> Was it about respectability in your two families? Was it about financial partnership? Was it about immigration laws? There must have been some reasons. Yes, I am sure that you hoped that love and passion would grow after marriage, but there must have been other reasons in your two minds as well.
> 
> ...


He says for a while he hasn't been feeling any love for me and that we should see a counselor. As hurt as I felt I agreed to it but seems like he isn't taking a step to seeing a counselor either. I have been feeling so hurt, depressed and sad that I couldn't take it anymore so I came to my mum's place. I told him to either put an effort to be loving or caring or to let me go. He won't do either. He says after his sister comes to visit him he'll finalize matters. I couldn't take it anymore so I have just blocked him on social media and everywhere. 

Now why don't I divorce him? Because my parents would not allow me to. They'll create a lot of inconvenience for me if I take the step.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, there is an easy solution for your problem, IF he is not cheating on you. It's quite possible he is, considering your place of origin and considering you're not having sex with him. You may want to look into that.

The solution is for you to get a book called His Needs Her Needs, read it, share what you learn from it with him, and start implementing it. In it, you'll find that most men's three top Emotional Needs from their wife is: (1) sex, (2) admiration, and (3) recreation (having fun together). It sounds like you are not giving him ANY of those, so from HIS viewpoint, why should he even care if you're happy or not? 

And to add to that mix, you're suffering from depression, meaning that not only is he not getting his 3 needs met, but when you ARE together, well, you're no fun. 

My H was pretty crappy toward me even though I knew he loved me a LOT. Once I read that book, I recognized how I'd been sabotaging the marriage, and changed my actions. He responded _immediately_ in a good way. 

Basically, you should be admiring him for protecting you and working to take care of you, you should be having FUN with him on a vacation, not complaining, and you should be finding ways to have sex and to make sure it is FUN sex, not duty sex. I promise you, assuming he's not cheating and in love with another woman - and assuming he's not just an abusive jerk, this will change everything.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

immatureWife said:


> Now why don't I divorce him? Because my parents would not allow me to. They'll create a lot of inconvenience for me if I take the step.


Ah, yes...

Being not a full citizen of the world, a free thinking person, a free thinking women, a real women, one who values herself.

You are trapped, not by your culture, you are trapped by believing in this culture, this way of life.

Accepting that...'It' has value. It does not....for women.

It has more value for men. But, not much more.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

turnera said:


> (1) sex: rather he is not giving it to me
> (2) admiration: I admire him whenever I get the chance. "Wow you look so good in this shirt". "I love your voice". Yes, but when I lose my temper I say all sorts of **** like he is cruel and abusive, etc etc
> (3) recreation (having fun together): He is actually a bore. I am always coming up with things we can do together. Like watch movies, play chess or do photography together.
> 
> Well he says I don't give him space and he misses his single life when he could do whatever he wanted to do whenever he wanted to


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

immatureWife said:


> He says for a while he hasn't been feeling any love for me and that we should see a counselor. As hurt as I felt I agreed to it but seems like he isn't taking a step to seeing a counselor either. I have been feeling so hurt, depressed and sad that I couldn't take it anymore so I came to my mum's place. I told him to either put an effort to be loving or caring or to let me go. He won't do either. He says after his sister comes to visit him he'll finalize matters. I couldn't take it anymore so I have just blocked him on social media and everywhere.
> 
> Now why don't I divorce him? Because my parents would not allow me to. They'll create a lot of inconvenience for me if I take the step.


So YOU do something. They will create INCONVENIENCE?? Inconvenience??? You could have scheduled the counseling yourself. Instead you ran off to mum. Grow up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When a man says he needs space, it's usually so he can hook up with other women. When he says he misses single life, it's usually because he wants to screw other women or else because you just aren't 'fun.' You make demands on him, you complain, you expect a lot from him, and you don't give back much in return. At least that's how such men see it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Are you yourself "conservative"? 

Are you a prude in the bedroom? 

Do you refuse to do certain sexual things he has asked for? 

What is the age difference between you and your husband?

How old is he? 

How is his health? 

Is he in shape? Are you in good shape? 

Do you have kids? 

Does he make a good living for you? Are you satisfied with the quality of the things he provides for you?

Do you desire him sexually? 

Have you ever cheated on him or vice versa?


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

He says he wants out of the marriage. He has been saying this for months now. I feel so sad. Nothing interests me. I think it's the depression that is making me more sad than losing him. What should I do?


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

NobodySpecial said:


> So YOU do something. They will create INCONVENIENCE?? Inconvenience??? You could have scheduled the counseling yourself. Instead you ran off to mum. Grow up.


Inconvenience like kick me out of the house. Does that sound inconvenient enough to you? Read the post dude and read about countries other than USA. And no, I have looked. There isn't any marriage counselor in our country.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> When a man says he needs space, it's usually so he can hook up with other women. When he says he misses single life, it's usually because he wants to screw other women or else because you just aren't 'fun.' You make demands on him, you complain, you expect a lot from him, and you don't give back much in return. At least that's how such men see it.


*I really think that the very same thing can be said whenever a woman says to her husband that she "wants space," that she's wanting to play the field or continue with her marital covert sexual involvement with some other person that she's already involved with!

I learned that lesson, all too well, the hard way when my RSXW uttered those very same words to me!*


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Hey, I am from a south asian country too (India) - where are you from?
Was this an arranged marriage between the two of you? How was the decision taken? Was it caste based/status based/business alliance? Was any dowry involved? I know it can be very difficult to create intimacy in a relationship that was formed for other reasons. So things only started going south once you got back from you trip right? Has he told you exactly whats wrong? If not then it's wrong of him to play this hide and seek with you and make you chase him. Its also wrong to mention his ex which I think is manipulative.

Do you have a job currently? I know divorce is a difficult thing around here but this behavior continues then I would suggest you start gathering your resources. Try talking to some of his family members about his behavior?

Edit - Also, is he denying you sex or is it the other way round?


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

Aburjwal said:


> Hey, I am from a south asian country too (India) - where are you from?
> Was this an arranged marriage between the two of you? How was the decision taken? Was it caste based/status based/business alliance? Was any dowry involved? I know it can be very difficult to create intimacy in a relationship that was formed for other reasons. So things only started going south once you got back from you trip right? Has he told you exactly whats wrong? If not then it's wrong of him to play this hide and seek with you and make you chase him. Its also wrong to mention his ex which I think is manipulative.
> 
> Do you have a job currently? I know divorce is a difficult thing around here but this behavior continues then I would suggest you start gathering your resources. Try talking to some of his family members about his behavior?
> ...


He had proposed, he said he was in love with me. First time I turned him down but later I said yes. 

He doesn't tell me exactly what it is that is wrong. Sometimes he says it's his fault, that he is a pervert. Other times he says I make him feel like a servant. He tells his family that he suffers from depression himself, so it is not possible for him to take the load of another person suffering from depression. 

I don't have a job currently. But I do own two apartments, I live in one with mum and get rent from the other. He says he is not withholding sex, it's just that I don't arouse him anymore. Yeah, it sucks!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

immatureWife said:


> He had proposed, he said he was in love with me. First time I turned him down but later I said yes.
> 
> He doesn't tell me exactly what it is that is wrong. Sometimes he says it's his fault, that he is a pervert. Other times he says I make him feel like a servant. He tells his family that he suffers from depression himself, so it is not possible for him to take the load of another person suffering from depression.
> 
> I don't have a job currently. But I do own two apartments, I live in one with mum and get rent from the other. He says he is not withholding sex, it's just that I don't arouse him anymore. Yeah, it sucks!


You sound immature or perhaps set in your ways and not really prepared for marriage.
Your whining and shouting (you have been honest about that) does not make your husband feel respected. Lack of respect can be a huge passion killer for a man.
I suggest you stop expecting your H to be everything to you and take responsibility for your own happiness. Start working on yourself, organise counselling, ask him to go but if he wont, go yourself, make yourself a better person instead of telling him what is wrong with him.
Running off to your mother at the first sign of trouble is not good either. You are married, a man needs a partner, a helper, a helpmate, not someone who whines and runs away when the going gets tough. 
Your H no longer trusts you and could well be looking at getting what he wants from someone else. Although based on your first post is there any possibility that your H is gay? 

I suggest you sit down with him and see if he wants to start over, get counselling help and "work' on the marriage. Marriages are not romantic fairy tales that end in happiness ever after, they involve two flawed people trying to do life together. Prepare yourself, read, etc. 

PS stop being so defensive on this forum (in your earlier post) and accusing people of approaching your problem from a western stance, people on here genuinely want to help and give of their free time to do it. I know you are hurting but be nice.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

Aburjwal said:


> Hey, I am from a south asian country too (India) - where are you from?
> Was this an arranged marriage between the two of you? How was the decision taken? Was it caste based/status based/business alliance? Was any dowry involved? I know it can be very difficult to create intimacy in a relationship that was formed for other reasons. So things only started going south once you got back from you trip right? Has he told you exactly whats wrong? If not then it's wrong of him to play this hide and seek with you and make you chase him. Its also wrong to mention his ex which I think is manipulative.
> 
> Do you have a job currently? I know divorce is a difficult thing around here but this behavior continues then I would suggest you start gathering your resources. Try talking to some of his family members about his behavior?
> ...


Ah well he has sent me the divorce papers on 23 April. Before that he had been saying for a while that he was no more in love with me. He would like "I can see that you are putting in a lot of effort, but do you see any response from me?". We had a meeting with family members from both sides where my father insisted that we live separate for six months and then if he still felt the same way to divorce me. His sister who was visiting from Canada after 13 years was also there and she was like "he is the only family I have". She didn't visit him even when he had attempted suicide in 2009. And she complained that I was always in my room having break-downs and didn't attend to her or her guests. Well given that her brother kept abusing a person already suffering from depression, telling her that the marriage wouldn't last, what did she expect! I was crying in my bed the entire time. Although I tried to the best of my ability to get up and arrange for her meals. I also spent time with her showing her family photos that my ex had and also went shopping with her. Well, what to do. Now he is involving lawyers to hand over my stuff, which includes my car, furniture, important documents and jewelry. He wouldn't let me go and collect them. He still has my documents and jewelry and his lawyer wrote to me that the lawyer would be handing over my stuff at my place and I'll have to sign a receipt and he won't be liable after a week for the stuff. The divorce hasn't even finalized yet! And my stuff is spread all across the house, I don't even remember where I had put a certain thing, say a pen drive. I don't get why he is so bitter. He is the one who fell out of love and he is the one who is divorcing. oh, I am using his phone and accidentally got access to his email. He is applying for canadian immigration. I don't want to go to Canada because we'll both we working at a gas station or a store. We have no future as managers in Canada. He is also purchasing adult dating apps and contacting both male and female *****s via fake FB accounts. Well this is the end of my story.... and my marriage. I guess I married him for a companion and he married me as stairs to climb higher up. He did once mention that he was about to marry a woman with Australian citizenship and dump her once he went to Australia. But something went wrong. 

Keep me in your prayers.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like your life is going to take a decided upturn in wellness once you are free and clear of him and his family. celebrate that.


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