# Protectiveness?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The missus recently told me that she does wishes at times that I'm more protective of her... it's a minor issue that props up from time to time but just thought I'll figure something out that we can do...

I'm the type of bloke who doesn't like to show jealousy or possessiveness, I consider it weak and from past experiences I learnt how it pushes people away - that's how my wife managed to get my attention while I was with my rather jealous and possessive ex - my wife at that time respected my space.

The concept of protectiveness clashes with my rule against possessiveness. Like when a male stranger is talking to someone's wife a 'protective/possessive' husband may gesture that 'she's mine' by putting his arms around her etc... for me however, I trust her, and I respect her space.

The missus doesn't always like it though :scratchhead:
I don't really understand what she wants, and I'm confused by past experiences including the one with my ex...
I admit I do feel jealousy from time to time but I just remind myself who my wife is and it's sorted out (as she has proven herself over the years)


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I don't know where it comes from, but for some men these days the worst thing they could be accused of is being jealous and controlling. So much so they are afraid to just be a man. This may not be your case but I suggest that perhaps you have been conditioned to repress just being a man. Like there is something wrong with it. It is natural to c0ckblock a guy who is forcing himself on your wife. YMMV.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I don't really understand what she wants,


Have you asked her what she means by protective?

I don't automatically associate protective with possessive and jealous. 

Protective can be comforting and manly - she's dealing with a strange guy hitting on her, so she'd like her husband to come and rescue her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I agree with norajane. I did not associate protectiveness with jealous or controlling either.
I am very protective of my wife, but it has little to do with being jealous or trying to control HER behavior. I may decide to control someone elses behavior if I think she needs me too.

The other side of this is that this could be a bit of a fitness test. Maybe she just wants more attention. She may feel you have left her alone at a party.

I mean a woman should be able to shut a guy down on her own. However, there are men who do not get the message. Coming over to drive away this type of jerk is fine. This can be done in a very subtle way.

I agree, that you should ask her what she means. maybe there is a specific instance she felt you should have stepped in. Maybe she wants some validation that you care. Maybe she just wants to feel more like a couple.

Frankly my wife will do this same thing for me. It is subtle but she will come by and put her arm around me and hold her body in a close way that is affectionate but probably does make the statement that just in case you are not sure, he is mine. I am fine with that. She cares. Good deal. In no wy has she ever been controlling in my view. Just protective of "us".


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Like when a male stranger is talking to someone's wife a 'protective/possessive' husband may gesture that 'she's mine' by putting his arms around her etc... for me however, I trust her, and I respect her space.
> 
> The missus doesn't always like it though :scratchhead:
> I don't really understand what she wants...


Maybe some of the male strangers are not ones she feels comfortable with them coming up & talking to her? Like if she just gets a weird vibe from someone, she might _want_ you there & for you to "put your arm around her".. just to show that she is taken. Or something like that.

I'd say,.... talk to her. Have some kind of sign/clue between the two of you. If she pulls on her left ear... twirls her wedding ring around & around... etc. A sign that says "Step into this conversation honey & get me out of talking to this guy/back this guy off of me".

Do you get what I'm saying?

(But I am also kind of reserved around some peeps & would like my hubby to put his arm around me, if some guy seemed to start talking to me too much at a party.)


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, after talking with the missus... turns out she has a problem with a few things from what she considers "pushing her away" to "leaving her to deal with things on her own" to "me finding it funny"...

I guess I just don't really like starting dramas until the dramas already started so I can finish it - that way I don't feel like an ass or feel stupid/awkward by accusing someone who was only being friendly to her... but also... yes, what she told me tonight is true... I do notice from time to time blokes eyeing her up... unfortunately I find it rather amusing (even flattering... hell, even educational) at times. So I let it happen until it goes too far =/

And no it's not like I abandon her somewhere with someone else or whatever she just tried to make up - I'm always there for her. And I don't see it how I'm pushing her away... meh

Finding it funny though... yes =/
Well I don't know if it's my problem or hers really


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You're a couple, so if one of you has a problem, it become a couple problem because it affects your relationship as a couple. 

So even if you don't agree with her perspective, it makes sense to try and work out some sort of understanding:

Maybe you agree to step in sooner than you normally would when you see a guy hitting on her (even if you find it flattering and funny), and she agrees to signal you when she wants your help so she doesn't feel abandoned (because she knows you have her back as soon as she asks).


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Kinda hard to break habit after so many years, but yeah it's worth a try, hopefully it will help rebuild her confidence and security in us. Thanks guys


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I do notice from time to time blokes eyeing her up... unfortunately I find it rather amusing (even flattering... hell, even educational) at times. So I let it happen until it goes too far =/
> 
> And no it's not like I abandon her somewhere with someone else or whatever she just tried to make up - I'm always there for her. And I don't see it how I'm pushing her away... meh
> 
> ...


See If my spouse did this to me.. I would see it as abandoning me.... in the sense that he's just tossing me to the wolves... using me as bait and I would feel like I was nothing more then a hunk of meat he tosses out from time to time just to get his kicks off watching the wolves go at me. Now.. That is how I would feel... it could be how your wife feels as well... but then again.. it may not be. I'm just trying to give you another point of view on the situation.


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