# New business killing our marriage



## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

History: married 20 years, both in our late 40's, 2 teenage kids, generally a good relationship with some ups and downs over the years. 

Several months ago, my wife (who had been out of work for 2 years by HER choice) told me that she wanted to open a bar with a friend. I was skeptical about it and suggested she really think it through. Bars are tough businesses plus she would wind up working when I was off since I work weekdays. She assured me this wouldn't be the case and that she would be working weekdays doing the books while her partner (who had more actual bar experience) would be handling the busy weekends.

Fast forward to now, the bar has been open for almost 2 months and has been WILDLY successful! Unfortunately it is taking it's toll on our marriage.

More background on the bar - I spent every free moment helping her get this bar off the ground. I painted, cleaned, mopped, advertised, loaded coolers, installed lighting, etc., etc., etc. prior to opening. Once they opened I bussed tables, got ice, bartended - basically I have pitched in everywhere possible to help. I go by there every weekend night after my band's show (if we have one) and help out. If no shows, I wind up working there all night Friday and/or Saturday.

Now bear in mind, I had a VERY full schedule without this bar. I work a very demanding and good-paying day job as well as play in 2 cover bands on the weekends. Financially we're in great shape. The money for this venture came from her mom's estate and money I had personally saved for a new motorcycle that I in turn lent her to open the place. One thing that may or may not be relevant - I offered to GIVE her the money ($25k) and be a silent partner in the venture, I was quickly and emphatically told NO!

We talked about how this would affect our relationship and our family prior to opening the bar. She again reiterated that she would be the "books" person and would work days for the most part but would need to pitch in on weekends to help get it off the ground.

This has turned out to be the polar opposite of what is actually happening.

This bar has become the world around which my wife revolves. It is her life now and there is little to no room for anything or anyone else.

When I got back into playing in a band several years ago, I had asked my wife prior if this was something she would enjoy WITH me and she said yes. She did enjoy coming to my shows for several years, or so she said. Now if she comes to my show, she's looking at her watch to leave and is often gone by the time I finish my first set. So...I spend the rest of the evening lonely without her. When I brought this up in an argument, she actually told me that she had spent so many years sitting there while I play and now it was MY turn to sit there while she bounces around her bar.....nice, I didn't realize she needed "revenge" for something I thought we agreed on doing together.

She will tell me EVERY weekend night that she doesn't need to stay all night and we should be able to leave by 3AM. This NEVER, EVER happens. At that hour, I'm exhausted because unlike her, I got up at 6AM and was working all day. I ask her if I can leave and pick her up later or can she get a ride, she will tell me "no please wait, I'll be ready to go soon". HOURS later when I'm half asleep and crabby, I literally have to drag her out of the bar because she's busy doing shots with everyone.

Our house is a disaster unless I clean it. Laundry sits there piled up unless I do it. There is no food in the refrigerator unless I buy it. This was an ongoing issue in our relationship but now she won't even do the few things she used to. She always HAS to do something bar-related, count money, check bank balances, anything but help out around the house. Our sex life experienced a very brief uptick at the beginning which I attributed to her increased confidence (I was THRILLED!) but it has very quickly died out and is now non-existent which is a HUGE problem for me.

I am exhausted every single weekend because I wind up working or sitting in this place until all hours of the morning. For example, this past Friday I got up at 6AM, worked until 5:30, played a show from 9:30 to 1:30, tore down all my gear and got her bar by 2:45AM. She told me she could leave soon. I think we wound up getting home at 6:45AM.

The funny part is that she had told me her partner would be doing all the late night weekend work. I watch her partner leave with her husband every weekend night LONG before my wife will. That's been how things go - everything she tells me, she does the opposite.

We went on a long-planned vacation the weekend before last with a group of friends. Prior to that we had talked about finding some time for just "us" since we've been so busy with things. Well, we went on vacation and she spent ALL the time with her friends or on the phone with the bar. It was a complete disaster and we wound up fighting all weekend long because she HAS to be the last person hanging out EVERY single night. Meanwhile, any time I wasn't right next to her, I got accused of ignoring her. Worst vacation of my life.

We were both social drinkers and I still am....but my wife is no longer. Every weekend by the time I can get her to leave, she is seriously drunk and embarrassing. I have told her this and reminded her about the drunk bar owner stereotype. She says that I'm right and she needs to chill out with the drinking. She even said that she would take a few months off - she didn't even make it to the first weekend because somebody's brother in law passed away and she just HAD to have drinks with them out of sympathy.

We had made a deal that we would leave Sundays for each other no matter what. That lasted ONE week, the following week there was some totally minor issue at the bar that required her FULL attention and I wound up spending our only day together ALONE.

Yesterday, we were supposed to try again. Saturday night we went out to dinner earlier and met some friends. I had hoped to spend a few hours together before she got captured at the bar. She spend the entire time texting her partner and employees and couldn't wait to leave. We wound up fighting later on because once again - she told me she could leave by 2:30 AM so I planned accordingly. 6:30AM I had to drag her out again, then she passed out from being drunk and slept the ENTIRE day away. I wound up doing chores AGAIN and getting my son ready for his first day back at school - ALONE.

I make jokes to my friends that she is now married to the bar and I'm her boyfriend on the side. Except they're not jokes anymore and I don't even get any "boyfriend" benefits.

I have done my absolute best to be supportive of her and this bar. I have told anyone who will listen how proud of her I am and how great of a job she's doing. I have helped in any way I can. And now all I get in return for my efforts is loneliness. In turn, I now utterly hate the place and instantly get a knot in my stomach as soon as I walk in the door.

I'm lost and don't know what to do. If I say a word about this to her, it turns into a major brawl with accusations of me not supporting her which utterly infuriates me. I remind her angrily that I HAVE supported her - but she needs to find a way to balance her family with her beloved bar. She absolutely LOVES her bar and that's perfectly fine, except it appears she doesn't have any interest in loving anyone/anything else.

The lack of sex (and intimacy period) has me incredibly edgy. I try and bite my tongue but it doesn't work and I wind up making snide comments which doesn't help matters.

Add to that the fact that there are numerous attractive women vying for my attention the second my wife leaves my band's shows. You know the old adage, when the cat's away.... It absolutely kills me that all these women want me - but the one that I want is totally uninterested.

Sorry for the long rant. Any advice or suggestions are very welcome.

On a somewhat good note, the bar is so successful that if we do get divorced, I shouldn't have to pay any alimony. Yay.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Running your own business can be very demanding. It may come down to you asking her to choose, her marriage or the bar! Is there anyway she would be willing to hire on some other people and maybe she could cut back on her time there? She would still be there but just not as much. She may be so wrapped up in the business she isn't really seeing things are being neglected at home. With teenagers too, they can also pitch in with house work etc.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

JoeRockStar said:


> We wound up fighting later on because once again - she told me she could leave by 2:30 AM so I planned accordingly. 6:30AM I had to drag her out again, then she passed out from being drunk and slept the ENTIRE day away. I wound up doing chores AGAIN and getting my son ready for his first day back at school - ALONE.
> (


The whole time I was reading, I was thinking to myself "I hope, I hope, I hope there are no children experiencing this..." My dad was an alcoholic who owned a liquor store. 

For you Joe, please get yourself to Al-Anon which is for the family/friends of alcoholics and will help you cope, maintain your dignity, and stop enabling. Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

If it was me, I would not be waiting @ for her or "dragging" her out of there. You stay home and take care of your son and yourself and make sure you get adequate sleep, nutrition, and exercise. And if I was you, I'd hire a cleaning lady to come in and clean and do the laundry.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> Running your own business can be very demanding. It may come down to you asking her to choose, her marriage or the bar! Is there anyway she would be willing to hire on some other people and maybe she could cut back on her time there? She would still be there but just not as much. She may be so wrapped up in the business she isn't really seeing things are being neglected at home. With teenagers too, they can also pitch in with house work etc.


The bar is fully staffed. She doesn't need to be there that often. The problem is she *WANTS* to be there. She told me from the beginning that it would get better and she would spend less and less time there. She is spending more and MORE time there by her choice every week. If I bring it up, I'm "not being supportive".

The neglect at home was an ongoing problem that I attributed to her years of depression. If I bring it up, we fight. Now the few things she used to do, she doesn't have time for supposedly. My house is an utter embarrassment and I refuse to have anyone set foot in there out of shame.

The kids definitely DO pitch in. Then then come to me and ask why mom doesn't do anything around the house but they (and I) are expected to?


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Blonde said:


> The whole time I was reading, I was thinking to myself "I hope, I hope, I hope there are no children experiencing this..." My dad was an alcoholic who owned a liquor store.
> 
> For you Joe, please get yourself to Al-Anon which is for the family/friends of alcoholics and will help you cope, maintain your dignity, and stop enabling. Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
> 
> If it was me, I would not be waiting @ for her or "dragging" her out of there. You stay home and take care of your son and yourself and make sure you get adequate sleep, nutrition, and exercise. And if I was you, I'd hire a cleaning lady to come in and clean and do the laundry.


Thanks for the reply but I really don't think alcoholism is the true source of the problem. As stated we were both social drinkers for many years, I think it's more the environment she's in all the time that has the potential to turn her into an alcoholic. She doesn't drink at home at all, nor do I except for a glass of wine with dinner.

We used to enjoy when we had drinks together on the weekends. Now we fight. 

If I leave her there and stay home, I won't be able to sleep and will just get more and more infuriated as the hours pass and she still isn't home. If she were truly "working" I wouldn't mind but she's busy being the belle of the ball having drinks with everyone. But, I may have to do that as I have no other choice. I have to take care of myself and my kids as you said. If I keep myself busy, I won't notice the loneliness as much....


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

IMO I would nip this in the bud now. Sit her down and have a talk with her, yes it mostly likely will fall on deaf ears, but its worth a shot anyway. 

One, you need to tell her its possible she has a drinking problem. You have no business dragging her out of a bar at that time of the morning or any time for that matter. Also tell her if she were to do again, that she can find her own way home, stop rescuing her. 

Two, you need to tell her to choose, plain and simple. The bar or the marriage. Some people were NOT cut out to run a business, no matter how much one thinks they are. If you can't juggle the other things in your life, then they are bound to suffer and then something is going to have to go. 

Its highly possible she may choose the bar, if so, let her. In the mean time you get your ducks in a row for and your kids.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Jamison said:


> IMO I would nip this in the bud now. Sit her down and have a talk with her, yes it mostly likely will fall on deaf ears, but its worth a shot anyway.
> 
> One, you need to tell her its possible she has a drinking problem. You have no business dragging her out of a bar at that time of the morning or any time for that matter. Also tell her if she were to do again, that she can find her own way home, stop rescuing her.
> 
> ...


Good advice, thank you. I hate the idea of giving her an ultimatum as I hate getting them. I WANT her to be successful and feel confident and will GLADLY help her to get there!!! But obviously not at the expense of our marriage.

I have owned a few businesses in the past and one was very demanding. She complained to me that I didn't have as much time for her back then and I made a concerted effort to put the business aside on weekends because it was important to me that she be happy. She in turn starts a business where she's busy during the time I'm not working. It almost seems on purpose??

This coming weekend, if she doesn't leave when she says, I'm going home. I'll do it quietly because I don't want to embarrass her and start a fight in her bar. It will probably take her at least an hour to notice I'm not there anyway, hopefully I will be asleep by the time she starts blowing up my phone.

It's tough for me to do this because the ONLY time we ever have sex anymore is when she comes home in that window between drunk and passed out. But as I'm typing that I realize just how ashamed I am to admit that plus it doesn't hold true anymore, hasn't happened in over a month. I deserve better.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She is getting more fun, fulfillment and happiness from the bar compared to her marriage to you.

How old are the kids?

Her family life has to be somethign she wants more than her bar life, and if it iis, you have to make her choose one.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

JoeRockStar said:


> Now the few things she used to do, she doesn't have time for supposedly. My house is an utter embarrassment and I refuse to have anyone set foot in there out of shame.
> 
> The kids definitely DO pitch in. Then then come to me and ask why mom doesn't do anything around but they (and I) are expected to?


You have the power to relieve your shame over the house. You can hire a cleaning service to do a deep clean and then have a housekeeper come in once or twice a week to maintain. The housekeeper can do laundry or perhaps you can pay the children to do it? (I do that). 

My kids all have chores. It's part of being in a family. And they are in serious trouble with an uptick in chores if they complain that so-and-so is not pulling her weight (ie "doesn't matter what mommy does or doesn't do. YOU have these chores and you will do them and do them proudly and well and concern yourself with your own performance not anyone else's.")


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Hicks said:


> She is getting more fun, fulfillment and happiness from the bar compared to her marriage to you.
> 
> How old are the kids?
> 
> Her family life has to be somethign she wants more than her bar life, and if it iis, you have to make her choose one.


Ouch 

16 and 18.

Too bad she can't have both. I'm more than willing to accommodate but I'm not going to be a doormat.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Blonde said:


> You have the power to relieve your shame over the house. You can hire a cleaning service to do a deep clean and then have a housekeeper come in once or twice a week to maintain. The housekeeper can do laundry or perhaps you can pay the children to do it? (I do that).
> 
> My kids all have chores. It's part of being in a family. And they are in serious trouble with an uptick in chores if they complain that so-and-so is not pulling her weight (ie "doesn't matter what mommy does or doesn't do. YOU have these chores and you will do them and do them proudly and well and concern yourself with your own performance not anyone else's.")


I give the kids money to help, especially my son since he isn't working.

Understood but the kids do have a point. They see me doing laundry, fixing things, doing dishes and see her doing NOTHING but bar stuff or sleeping. It's not like the place pays the bills, MY paycheck does that.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

JoeRockStar said:


> This coming weekend, if she doesn't leave when she says, I'm going home.


I hope you stick to this! I completely understand too, that you feel you can't rest good until shes home safe and sound. I think thats human nature for all people to feel like that when a loved one is out somewhere doing whatever. However, sometimes you gotta take a step back and let people fall flat on their faces. Its not because you don't care or love her, its because you do.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Just wanted to add that I think what's really killing me is that I've never felt so lonely in my entire life. I used to LIVE for the weekends when my wife and I would spend ALL of our free time together. Now I'm always alone, ESPECIALLY when I'm at her bar since she's always busy talking to someone else....it almost seems like it's ANYONE else but me. 

At this point I look more forward to Monday than Friday. Something's seriously wrong with that....


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

JoeRockStar said:


> The neglect at home was an ongoing problem that I attributed to her years of depression. If I bring it up, we fight. Now the few things she used to do, she doesn't have time for supposedly.


Nurse hat on: 

Concerns me that she has a history of depression and appears to have made a hard turn to alcohol as her medication of choice.

Alcohol Use, Abuse, and Depression: Is There a Connection?

/hat

Do you think she would be willing to go to MC with you?

Depression is anger turned inward. Despite initially agreeing to your busy absentee (rock star) lifestyle, I wonder if she was angry and lonely? She may also be peri-menopausal now. The change can make a woman really weigh her life and see where it comes up wanting and decide to make some big changes (new career for me, new business for her, perhaps a new independence from you and constant support of your dreams to having her own dreams?).


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

After reading the OP's opening, all I am thinking is something from my past. Could it possibly be that she is setting up her own revenue stream in preparation to divorce you? With the exception of the specific business, it hits me as all too familiar a pattern.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Blonde said:


> Nurse hat on:
> 
> Concerns me that she has a history of depression and appears to have made a hard turn to alcohol as her medication of choice.
> 
> ...


The depression started when her brother committed suicide 14 years ago. She's been on medication since. I'm not a fan of antidepressants, I think they do far more harm to most people than good.

Before that she was a different person, very active and vibrant. I was excited because I saw glimpses of that while I was helping get the bar going. I didn't realize it would come at the expense of my marriage. 

When she suggested she quit drinking, I agreed and volunteered to quit as well out of support even though I drink MUCH less than she does. As stated, that didn't even make it through a single weekend.

MC is my next step, I plan to have that conversation with her this weekend....if she has time to talk to me.

I can't help feeling like I'm being selfish because I do know she's trying to run a business but the reality is that all I want is some of the time we used to spend together. I understand it involves sacrifices when you open a business, hence the Sundays for us agreement. But she doesn't seem to be interested beyond lip service, the bar is always more important.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

toonaive said:


> After reading the OP's opening, all I thinking is something in my past. Could it possibly be that she is setting up her own revenue stream in preparation to divorce you? With the exception of the specific business, it hits me as all too familiar a pattern.


That is my fear as well.  I cannot see how I could be a better husband than I am now, if that's not good enough for her then it's best we go our separate ways.

It just hurts because I DO love her <tears>.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

JoeRockStar said:


> Just wanted to add that I think what's really killing me is that I've never felt so lonely in my entire life. *I used to LIVE for the weekends when my wife and I would spend ALL of our free time together.* Now I'm always alone, ESPECIALLY when I'm at her bar since she's always busy talking to someone else....it almost seems like it's ANYONE else but me.


When I think of sitting in an audience watching someone perform, to me that isn't "spending all our free time together". 



> When I got back into playing in a band several years ago, I had asked my wife prior if this was something she would enjoy WITH me and she said yes. She did enjoy coming to my shows for several years, or so she said. Now if she comes to my show, she's looking at her watch to leave and is often gone by the time I finish my first set. So...I spend the rest of the evening lonely without her. When I brought this up in an argument, *she actually told me that she had spent so many years sitting there while I play and now it was MY turn to sit there while she bounces around her bar*....


I hear her. Makes sense to me. She felt alone and neglected at your concerts. Perimenopause- bam- not doing THAT anymore!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

JoeRockStar said:


> MC is my next step, I plan to have that conversation with her this weekend....if she has time to talk to me.


She will have time to talk to you once YOU let her know you need to speak with her. My guess is, she will not make time on her own. YOU will have to talk with her, and it may need to be before this weekend.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Blonde said:


> When I think of sitting in an audience watching someone perform, to me that isn't "spending all our free time together".
> 
> 
> 
> I hear her. Makes sense to me. She felt alone and neglected at your concerts. Perimenopause- bam- not doing THAT anymore!


That's not the time I was talking about, I was talking about the nights when I DON'T have a show where we would go out to dinner, meet friends, see other bands that SHE likes, etc. Also, we have (or I should say had) Saturday and Sunday days together. Sundays used to be set aside for "intimate" time.

She has a TON of friends that come to my shows as well as all the other band guys' spouses that are also her friends. She's NOT sitting there alone, ever. In fact, the day of my show, she's often on her phone planning the evening with her friends. On the few occasions where none of her friends were present, we made arrangements so that she could leave early and go meet them elsewhere. I have no issue with that and wouldn't want her to sit there by herself all night.

Also, as soon as I step off the stage, I go to HER and spend my breaks with HER.

Now even all her friends who she used to hang with at my shows are always asking her why she doesn't come out anymore. They miss her too....

It killed me when we had the vacation a few weeks ago and she chose to spend every waking moment with friends instead of me.

Before I got back into playing in a band, I used to race cars. She hated it and didn't want to come with me because she was bored and got nervous watching me. I gave it up and went to playing in a band after a discussion with HER about me picking up a hobby we could enjoy TOGETHER. If she had told me then that she didn't want to watch me play, I wouldn't have done it.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

JoeRockStar said:


> MC is my next step, I plan to have that conversation with her this weekend....


:smthumbup: Keep us posted, Joe. MC could be a big help so don't give up hope!


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Jamison said:


> it may need to be before this weekend.


The joke in my house over the last few weeks on Sunday/Monday has been "see you Friday". And my OP should give a clue to how much time we spend together on Fridays.....

She winds up going to bar for some reason or another almost every night during the week now so I don't see her to even have that conversation.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

JoeRockStar said:


> The joke in my house over the last few weeks on Sunday/Monday has been "see you Friday". And my OP should give a clue to how much time we spend together on Fridays.....
> 
> She winds up going to bar for some reason or another almost every night during the week now so I don't see her to even have that conversation.


You need to man up. She isn't going to the bar if you tell her before she leaves and say we need to talk. If she brushes you off or dismisses your feelings about needing to talk, that should speak volumes. 

Didn't want to ask, but guess I will. Do you feel its possible the reason for finding a way to go to the bar is that maybe someone is there shes talking to and is WHY she is going so much even when she doesn't have to. There is something at that bar thats holding her attention, and maybe why she wants to be there so much IMO. It may not be just to to drink or hang out with girl friends.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Your family is in crisis and you need to find a way to sort things out together before you end up having to sort out new lives apart. Make sure your wife understands this.

Running any new business is tough even in the best of financial times (and these are far from that) and the unsocial hours and excessive exposure to drink / other temptations make any bar jobs hard on families. You have said that the bar has got off to a great start so maybe your wife and her partner need to look at increasing the staff numbers / quality (If your 18 year old son is out of work perhaps he might be grateful for a role at the bar?) so that she can get to the stage where she is just “doing the books” and “helping out once in a while” as she originally told you she had planned to.
In the mean time tell her that as she does not have time for the housework etc SHE (not you) needs to pay someone else to do it. 

Reading your posts I cannot help but think that your wife feels that she has “done her bit” (and them some justified or not) of running the house / bringing up the kids / supporting you and that now she needs to spread her wings / prove herself. 

In your discussions with your wife (with or without MC) try and give her some positive reasons to make changes (a job for your son / quality time as a couple / a stable home life for the children / improved health) rather than concentrating solely on the dire consequences of not making changes. 

As you have said no one likes getting ultimatums.

I do share your worry for your wife’s heath should she continue to use excessive alcohol consumption to replace (or worse in conjunction with) the anti depressants that a doctor has prescribed.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Thinking about it there are many reasons that could be contributing to the way your wife thinks / is behaving.

Take a little bit of “mid life crisis”, and a little bit of (soon to be) “empty nest syndrome” sprinkle in some “behind every great man” (watch out world Hilary Clinton is coming) and maybe just a dash of “feeling / needing financial independence” place in the oven of a hectic lifestyle, seems like a recipe for a crisis to me


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If your wife is going to the bar even when she doesn't really have to, that says one of two possible things to me. 

One, either she is just checked out of the marriage due to some things she has leftover resentment from in the past, and is just pretty much done. 

Or two, shes turning her attention to someone else at that bar. 

Regardless of how demanding running a business can be, and its sure to take away from time at home etc at some point, but it usually doesn't take away so much from the marriage that a spouse has no time to talk about that their marriage might be suffering. Thats why there seems to be more going on here. its one thing if a person truly has no time to talk, but quite another when they do have time and they purposely choose not too. Shes "choosing" to go to the bar for a reason.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Didn't want to ask, but guess I will. Do you feel its possible the reason for finding a way to go to the bar is that maybe someone is there shes talking to and is WHY she is going so much even when she doesn't have to. There is something at that bar thats holding her attention, and maybe why she wants to be there so much IMO. It may not be just to to drink or hang out with girl friends.


I'd agree but she insists that I come there on weekends after my band is done playing since the place is open late. In fact one of our fights is that she all but FORCES me to stay there way longer than I want to.

Anything is possible though...


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> Reading your posts I cannot help but think that your wife feels that she has “done her bit” (and them some justified or not) of running the house / bringing up the kids / supporting you and that now she needs to spread her wings / prove herself.


I was there for ALL of that. As mentioned, her brother committed suicide 14 years ago. My wife went into a shell leaving me to raise the kids, work, and handle the house.

Things got better after a while....and then her mom got cancer. All my wife did was care for her mom for 4 years. And once again, I was stuck raising the kids, and handling the house all while working a full time job to pay the bills.

Then after her mom passed away and she got her grief under control, things got better....and then she bought this godforsaken bar.

I told her all of the above this past weekend. I got a blank stare with a glimmer of understanding behind it....but no comment in return.


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

Joe

I can feel the frustration.

Your wife is thrilled to be part of something new and exciting in her life and she's all wrapped up in it now. Perhaps she's happy to feel like a leader instead of a follower as having a 'rock star' boyfriend must be incredibly difficult for her at times. 

But her choosing to ditch your family life and all other responsibilites to party til 6 in the morning is a bit too much for anyone to take. 

You need to explain to her this isn't what you signed up for and if she keeps choosing the bar over you and the family then she is going to lose her family. 

Getting MC might be an option to improve communication. 

Good luck!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

toonaive said:


> After reading the OP's opening, all I am thinking is something from my past. Could it possibly be that she is setting up her own revenue stream in preparation to divorce you? With the exception of the specific business, it hits me as all too familiar a pattern.


Ugh you had to go there. Damn as I think about it I see no win in any direction.

The maid is a SHORT term help.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Row Jimmy said:


> Your wife is thrilled to be part of something new and exciting in her life and she's all wrapped up in it now. Perhaps she's happy to feel like a leader instead of a follower as having a 'rock star' boyfriend must be incredibly difficult for her at times.
> 
> But her choosing to ditch your family life and all other responsibilites to party til 6 in the morning is a bit too much for anyone to take.


I get that and I have always encouraged her to pursue her dreams. I absolutely LOVE a confident, accomplished woman! In fact, when I met her she was managing a large volume insurance agency which was unheard of for someone as young as she was at the time.

When I started one of my businesses back in 2001, I made her an equal partner (with ZERO financial investment from her). It didn't work out well because it was technology-based and that's not her forte so I wound up doing 99% of the work....but that's a story for another thread.

I recall her tearfully telling me after the bar opened "there is no way I could have done all this without you" so at least she's acknowledged my support and help. I just didn't realize I'd be paying this high of a price now. I expected it to be crazy at first but start to calm down after a few weeks. Instead she's there more than ever.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Well I got my answers. I had wanted to talk to her last night to try and fix things but she was at the bar (again). I offered to come up there but I could tell she was trying to discourage it. She told me our daughter was going to drive her home in a while and we could talk then.

Fast forward to around 10PM, I get a text from her that she has to stay until closing because of some new closing procedure the accountant wanted. Funny she didn't mention it when we spoke earlier, she met with the accountant in the afternoon.

I couldn't sleep out of aggravation so I made a big mistake. I pulled up the video feed to the bar.

I had felt jealous of a new young male bartender who they hired but I kept it to myself. Well I watched my wife playing a darts game with him, hugging him, dancing all up against him, basically flirting away. I was devastated. I couldn't fall asleep right away so I called her (and of course got voicemail). I described what I saw and asked if SHE would be mad watching that. No reply.

I wake up at 5, no wife. I pace the house for an hour, then pull up the video footage. She's dancing with him behind the bar, and then he pulls up close to her and quickly KISSES HER.

I confronted her when she staggered in piss drunk. She tells me I'm hallucinating and imagining things. I am not.

Time to lawyer up. Thanks for the advice folks.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

JoeRockStar said:


> Well I got my answers. I had wanted to talk to her last night to try and fix things but she was at the bar (again). I offered to come up there but I could tell she was trying to discourage it. She told me our daughter was going to drive her home in a while and we could talk then.
> 
> Fast forward to around 10PM, I get a text from her that she has to stay until closing because of some new closing procedure the accountant wanted. Funny she didn't mention it when we spoke earlier, she met with the accountant in the afternoon.
> 
> ...


Save the footage. Let family on both sides know why you are divorcing her maybe she'll snap out of it if enough family members call her on this.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

If she knew you had access to remote video surveillance of the bar, it doesn't sound like she was too interested in hiding things.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I'm damn sorry to read this, Joe. Hang tough, brother.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She probably thinks she is in love while this guy is just going to use her for a little sex on the side. Ugh just wait till other younger women hit on him at the bar.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Sorry to hear that Joe. As others have said, you have some work to do to quickly protect yourself. Your wife is so far into her world, you pretty much don't exist. She doesn't seem to care about the video footage(at least for now) Make multiple copies, and store very carefully. Retain an attorney and file for divorce. Once she is served, her actions will tell you whether or not there is any hope in trying reconcile your marriage. Your choice not hers. Currently she is in charge of this situation. You need to change this quickly in your favor.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

JoeRockStar said:


> I couldn't sleep out of aggravation so I made a big mistake. I pulled up the video feed to the bar.


Another thought: what you found hurt like hell, but it was no mistake on your part. What you found was "good" information, even if it was devastating. You got an answer to one of the most important questions of your life, even though it wasn't the one you wanted.

And if her bar's doing so well, at least for now, your alimony concerns that I read about in one of your early posts may be nothing to worry about at all. So long as you move quickly before the bar takes a tumble. Which seems to me to be inevitable given your wife's history of not sticking with things.

I've also read about your son. I'm sorry for him, too, and hope he can adjust as well as can be expected.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You can ask a mod to move this into the cwi section others there will give you great info since this is now infidelity, sorry.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

So sorry, Joe. 

You are in the right place to get good advice on CWI. You'll get through this.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Got tons of video captures but they're grainy. It is still VERY obvious that she is chasing this guy and flirting with him like crazy. In his defense, he keeps trying to politely move away from her.

I am devastated. I texted a bunch of the screen caps to my wife with full descriptions. Let's see if she still thinks I'm hallucinating after she wakes up from her drunken stupor.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Yes, sorry to hear this. IIRC at the time you said you bought the bar you posted a really cute picture of her singing and you playing guitar.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

JoeRockStar said:


> Got tons of video captures but they're grainy. It is still VERY obvious that she is chasing this guy and flirting with him like crazy. * In his defense, he keeps trying to politely move away from her.*
> 
> I am devastated. I texted a bunch of the screen caps to my wife with full descriptions. Let's see if she still thinks I'm hallucinating after she wakes up from her *drunken stupor.*


Still think her alcohol use is not a problem? She falls at least under "Alcohol Abuse" with A and D in spades:


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Damn. Another one bites the dust.

BTW save multiple copies and include OFF SITE!

Id look at previous saves. There may be other instances and men. Sorry.

kiss= on lips peck. Make out >3 seconds? rough description? Did he reciprocate?


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

So last night I went through the grueling process of reviewing all the footage. She really didn't "do" anything per se, just serious flirting. And the kiss really isn't clear, after (painfully) reviewing it multiple times, it's just a peck. Again, in the employee's defense, he keeps politely moving away from her. I'm confident he's not interested in her. Besides, the guy has a smoking hot 24 year old volleyball coach girlfriend (who recently told me I was very sexy for an "older" guy lol). My wife is attractive, especially to me, but not in the same league by a long shot. I think it's more of her feeding her own ego chasing him fueled by drunkenness.

Goofing around, my wife has acted sort of the same way with friends in my presence, as have I to some degree. I reminded her that our FRIENDS and her EMPLOYEE are 2 completely different things. 

We had a huge argument about everything last night. I got her to admit that her behavior was inappropriate, including getting drunk on a Monday night. I asked how she would feel if I went up to my cute 24 year old tech support girl and danced all over her....she agreed she was out of line.

She tearfully apologized, told me she loves me and wants only me, and that she would do whatever it takes to restore balance to our lives.

I'm not over this by a LONG shot...but it's a step in the right direction. She will NOT be sitting at the bar all night getting drunk any longer. In fact, she agreed not to drink AT ALL at the bar unless I'm with her. Another step in the right direction.

Blonde, you very well be correct that she's at the abuse stage, thank you for that helpful chart. I will show it to my wife tonight. I am a social drinker and enjoy getting a "buzz" but despise the feeling of getting drunk. I also like remembering what I did the night before. She was the same way...before this bar. I hope she will realistically address this potentially huge problem.

Thanks again to all for the feedback and kind words. I don't think this needs to be moved to CWI....yet. It ain't over by any means but at least we're not headed straight to divorce court. I still intend to consult with an attorney and get my ducks in a row just to be safe.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Also, a few have mentioned that maybe this was due to her jealousy of me being in the spotlight as the local "rock star". Not knowing the full story, that would certainly sound logical BUT:

1. She enjoys being the "belle of the ball" when I'm playing. There's a certain respect and admiration that comes with being the rock star's wife and she has always told me she enjoyed that.
2. As stated, she has a TON of friends that come to the shows. It's a night out with the girls for her and on the few occasions that it wasn't, I always made sure she had a ride and could go meet them elsewhere.
3. We do 2 songs that SHE SINGS. I specifically asked her to pick out a couple of songs she can get on stage and sing with the band to make her feel more of a part of things. I should say we used to do 2 songs, she leaves now before we can even get to them in the set list.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP 

So happy to hear that things are not quite as bad as they earlier seemed.

Prehaps being confronted by the effects her behaviour is having can be a wake up call your wife listens to.

Best of luck.


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

Wow... good job on catching the bad behaviour quickly although you don't have to be a brain surgeon to know that people don't stay drinking all night at a bar without temptation and bad alcohol fueled behaviour happening.

As a rock guy I'm sure you've had your share of married women showing you that. 

Set your boundaries and make real consequences and ensure you two are communicating and make time for each other. 

On the helpful hint side, you may want to consider hiring a cleaning service as you both seem too damn busy and you already resent her for it. It's not a ton of cash and can really help out when there are two people who are busy with crazy schedules as you won't feel so dumped on and your house wont' be a mess. It's way cheaper than a divorce.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Row Jimmy said:


> On the helpful hint side, you may want to consider hiring a cleaning service as you both seem too damn busy and you already resent her for it. It's not a ton of cash and can really help out when there are two people who are busy with crazy schedules as you won't feel so dumped on and your house wont' be a mess. It's way cheaper than a divorce.


From those that I know of, everything I have ever read on the subject, and even a basis understanding of economics just about everything (with the possible exception of medical care in the US another thread) is cheaper than divorce.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> From those that I know of, everything I have ever read on the subject, and even a basis understanding of economics just about everything (with the possible exception of medical care in the US another thread) is cheaper than divorce.


I never saw divorce unless this one got worse than even its darkest moments.

That being said. His wife not only works in but owns a high level toxic environment.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

While she's feeling remorse for her behavior, you lay down some serious rules. Let her know that she's not only a business woman but a wife and a mother and she's might be doing great bar owner wise but she stinks to high heaven when comes to everything else. She has to know that her family comes first. So far, her new venture has been in the number one slot and everything else is taking a back seat. She might realize that now and all will be well but people have a habit of slipping back in to the old ways, once the dust has settled.


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