# Female Orgasms



## Lifeiscomplicated

Ladies, I would like to ask some questions regarding female orgasms. 

My questions are:
1)	What sexual activity / activities gives you an orgasm?
2)	How long does it take for you to reach orgasm from each single sex act?
3)	How easy is it for you to have multiple orgasms during sex and /or foreplay?
4)	Do you always need to touch yourself or use a vibrator to bring on an orgasm during sex or foreplay?
5)	If you find it difficult to reach an orgasm with your partner what do you do to make that happen?

A little background..... I am 50 and have been with my husband 55 for 23 years and married for nearly 19 years. I have never been able to have an orgasm of any kind with my husband until the last couple of months and then it has only been a handful of times due to deep penetration of fingers with me touching myself at the same time.

My husband and I have both been in plenty of committed and non-committed relationships before we met and I have had this same problem each time. I do get angry and frustrated with myself as well as with my husband blaming him for not ‘doing it right’ or ‘moving at the wrong time’ or ‘you should know what you are doing by now’ which is very unfair to him considering out of all the women he has been with I am the only one who has had this problem. It doesn’t at all seem to bother him if I orgasm or not or he just doesn't care which I find weird because it sure as hell bothers me. 

We do spend lots of time with foreplay but it doesn’t make any difference. There are times when I sense that he is impatient with me for taking so long or that he becomes restless, bored or his hand or mouth hurts or he really can’t be bothered because he knows that it isn’t going to go anywhere and he just wants to come himself and be done with it. Sex is and has always been just okay. My orgasms are not that strong anymore and only last 2 to 3 seconds before it is over maybe that is due to age IDK.

It has always concerned me and obviously it has become a bigger problem as I have got older. I am going through menopause and my sex drive is very high and has been for the last 18 months where I could have sex daily and often more. Husband’s sex drive has always been naturally high and he would be most satisfied if we did it twice daily and more on weekends. This man can have sex 5 or 6 times within 10 mins and would still want more later on. His HD has caused more than a few problems and fights over the years especially when I have been LD probably purely from the fact that I can’t orgasm or get any real excitement from it so why bother with sex at all. My LD was also a side effect caused from anti-depressants and there were many times when my husband coerced me into having sex unwillingly because it is my wifely duty (resentment issues there). 

We are sexually experimental and do use toys. However, even a powerful wand, G-Spot vibrator and other vibrators except for one will do nothing for me. I have also been getting UTI’s rather frequently of late which I know is caused by excessive foreplay and lots of sex which is also getting me down.

There are several other issues that I haven’t discussed so please feel free to ask questions. If this thread needs to be posted elsewhere to get more replies please move it.

I would appreciate any advice you could offer.


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## Faithful Wife

Do you O when you masturbate? If so, by what method? Is it difficult to O by yourself, too? Do you watch porn when you masturbate?


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## mary35

My clitoris has to be stimulated continuously either by my husband's fingers, my fingers, or a vibrator in order for me to have an orgasm. If I start cold - meaning not at all turned on - it can take about a half hour to an hour to have an orgasm. If I am turned on - I can reach an orgasm in about 10 - 20 minutes. I have not ever had an orgasm with penetration alone - and in fact often have very little feeling when we have intercourse - unless my clitoris is being stimulated too. 

Now some questions for you - do you masturbate? If you do, do you have the same problem or is it easier to have an orgasm when by yourself? Are you attracted to your husband? Do you feel like you are repressed sexually or have some hangups about it? Have you thought about seeking help from a sex therapist? I think if you did - you would find out that you are quite normal. Since sex therapists are also trained to deal with other issues besides sex - they can also help you and your husband work through some of the issues causing resentment.

Many woman experience what you are experiencing. I personally think its because most women and men are not properly educated about a woman's body - and think sex for woman should work the same as men - with intercourse being the main activity to bring about an orgasm. Also many woman don't understand how big a part their brain plays in sexual satisfaction. For some woman - orgasms happen naturally and easily, but for many woman - it is a learned response and they have to teach themselves how to do it. 

I lost the ability to orgasm during menopause and had to relearn my body - and get it working again. Hormonal therapy played a big part in fixing the issues, but I also had to teach my body how to respond again through masturbation - so the pressure was off of having my husband around and I could focus all on me. Then I had to teach him what I learned. I found the more I practiced and experienced orgasms - the easier my body responded and the more I wanted sex. The opposite also holds true. The less sex I have - the harder it is for my body to respond and the less I want sex. 

I suggest you get this book to learn about your body and to get some good tips for you and your husband to try.
https://www.amazon.com/Womens-Anatomy-Arousal-Sheri-Winston/dp/057803395X

My other suggestion to you is find a good doctor and have your individual hormone levels tested and balanced. I don't know if you have always had frequent UTI's but during menopause its often caused by the decrease of estrogen and the thinning of your vagina tissue and the area around your urethra opening which allows bacteria to get in easier. Getting your hormones balanced correctly may help that issue and also help with your orgasms. 

Some other resources that have been helpful to me:
https://www.womentowomen.com/health-library/ (this site comes from a clinic and also sells products - but I use the health library for a wealth of information

this site also was helpful
https://sexualityresources.com/learn

And lastly - but very important - kegels! A must do!! Google kegels to learn to do them right - and then do them several times a day - every day!

Good Luck


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## Taxman

LIC
Hope you do not mind a male perspective. My wife has slowly ramped up her sexual response. When we first got together, we were lucky to have one orgasm from oral stimulation of her clitoris. Over the years, her response has gotten better and better. We recently stumbled on a technique of treating the clitoris as essentially a very small penis. What I do, is put my mouth over her clit, suck the head just past my lips and emulate a blow job, sucking up and down and pulling at it. She usually orgasms within seconds and will orgasm over and over again. I got this from a client who is bi-sexual, and incorporated his technique for male lovers into his technique for female lovers. The results are spectacular.


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## Middle of Everything

Taxman said:


> LIC
> Hope you do not mind a male perspective. My wife has slowly ramped up her sexual response. When we first got together, we were lucky to have one orgasm from oral stimulation of her clitoris. Over the years, her response has gotten better and better. We recently stumbled on a technique of treating the clitoris as essentially a very small penis. What I do, is put my mouth over her clit, suck the head just past my lips and emulate a blow job, sucking up and down and pulling at it. She usually orgasms within seconds and will orgasm over and over again. I got this from a client who is bi-sexual, and incorporated his technique for male lovers into his technique for female lovers. The results are spectacular.


I luckily stumbled upon this technique early in my marriage/relationship.

The times before I found this technique? I literally had a sore tongue for days. :grin2:


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## MJJEAN

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Ladies, I would like to ask some questions regarding female orgasms.
> 
> My questions are:
> 1)	What sexual activity / activities gives you an orgasm?
> 2)	How long does it take for you to reach orgasm from each single sex act?
> 3)	How easy is it for you to have multiple orgasms during sex and /or foreplay?
> 4)	Do you always need to touch yourself or use a vibrator to bring on an orgasm during sex or foreplay?
> 5)	If you find it difficult to reach an orgasm with your partner what do you do to make that happen?
> 
> I would appreciate any advice you could offer.


1) Vaginal, oral, and manual all give me orgasms.

2) How long it takes me to orgasm depends on a few factors. Obviously, if I am tense or distracted when we begin, it might take a bit longer. Usually, about 5-10 minutes.

3) I rarely have a single orgasm. Usually, I'll have one and then another either immediately or within 3-4 minutes as long as stimulation continues. So, I'd say fairly easy.

4) I do not touch myself or use a vibrator generally. The exception is when DH wants to watch me as part of foreplay or when we're doing something kinky.

5) I've never found it difficult with DH with the exception of when I was on antidepressants.

You mention in your post you are on antidepressants. Low libido is a known side effect of some medications and so is difficulty reaching orgasm. It's entirely possible you can't get there because of one or more medications. It happened to me. Speak to your doctor, explain the problem, and see if you can try a different medication.


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## release2016

If in the right frame of mind I can orgasm with 2 or 3 minutes of masturbating. Takes longer with partner though, 

That said I think frame of mind is all important - if you think something will be difficult it usually is, and vice versa- the following link could well help as i feel having a positive attitude towards attaining an orgasm is key. Def works for me - 

http://www.freeaffirmations.org/female-orgasm-positive-affirmations 

Agaiin I need to feel reasonable at ease and at least somewhat in the mood to come. However i can recall one occasion, and only one, where i was thoroughly NOT in the mood and partner "made me orgasm" against all odds because i didn;t want to come as I was annoyed with him about something. I was shocked and surprised it happened. Has never happened again!


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## Lifeiscomplicated

Faithful Wife said:


> Do you O when you masturbate? If so, by what method? Is it difficult to O by yourself, too? Do you watch porn when you masturbate?


Yes I am able to O with a particular shaped vibrator or my hands. Only on my tummy and maybe once or twice laying on my back.

Very easy to O and have multiple O's by myself.

I have only started watching porn recently. That is the only reason why I was able to O with my husbands fingers those handful of times. However, I am finding that after about 10-15 mins or so of watching porn I become bored and it is during those times that I have not been able to O.


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## Lifeiscomplicated

mary35 said:


> *My clitoris has to be stimulated continuously either by my husband's fingers*, my fingers, or a vibrator in order for me to have an orgasm. *in fact often have very little feeling when we have intercourse - unless my clitoris is being stimulated too. *
> 
> My husband's fingers touching my clitoris continuously does not do it for me. We have tried about a billion times but it is not the same feel, pressure, sensation or whatever as it is when I do it myself. I also have little feeling when we have intercourse.
> 
> *Now some questions for you - do you masturbate? If you do, do you have the same problem or is it easier to have an orgasm when by yourself? Are you attracted to your husband? Do you feel like you are repressed sexually or have some hangups about it? Have you thought about seeking help from a sex therapist? I think if you did - you would find out that you are quite normal. Since sex therapists are also trained to deal with other issues besides sex - they can also help you and your husband work through some of the issues causing resentment.*
> 
> Yes, I do masturbate. Much easier and quicker to have an O by myself. I am definitely not repressed sexually or have any hangups about it, however, having said that I have felt over the years not so much now that I needed to feel in control of my body and my experiences and have difficulties I think in letting go. Not too sure whether it has anything to do with being sexually abused as a very young girl - no sex but lots of touching by a neighbours teenage son. Don't know if I have some psychological problem with that. Forgot about it for many years then when I had sex for the very first time with a boyfriend I had flashbacks of what this boy did to me. These memories came back to me as clear as can be the moment sex had begun. Only recently, late last year did I tell my husband about this and my therapist too. My husband had thought as much and the therapist contributed my zero partnered orgasms as symptomatic of the abuse and that there was not much I could do about it which pi**ed me off because I don't want to go through the rest of my life having a dysfunctional sex/love life. I have definitely been thinking off seeing a sex therapist this year but they are awfully expensive here and you cannot claim a rebate and as I only work 6 hours a week I still wouldn't be able to afford one session.
> 
> *I lost the ability to orgasm during menopause and had to relearn my body - and get it working again. Hormonal therapy played a big part in fixing the issues, but I also had to teach my body how to respond again through masturbation - so the pressure was off of having my husband around and I could focus all on me. Then I had to teach him what I learned. I found the more I practiced and experienced orgasms - the easier my body responded and the more I wanted sex. The opposite also holds true. The less sex I have - the harder it is for my body to respond and the less I want sex.
> *
> 
> How long did you lose the ability to orgasm during menopause? I think I am at the beginning of it with hot flushes coming over me throughout the day and night however, it is summer here and quite humid so weather could contribute to it. I have only stopped getting periods last March with slight bleeding again in July and nothing since. I don't want to take any HRT and unless there is something natural which won't increase the risk of cancers I will just have to learn to live with it.
> 
> *I suggest you get this book to learn about your body and to get some good tips for you and your husband to try.
> https://www.amazon.com/Womens-Anatomy-Arousal-Sheri-Winston/dp/057803395X*
> 
> Thank you for your suggestion of this book. I will look into it.
> 
> *My other suggestion to you is find a good doctor and have your individual hormone levels tested and balanced. I don't know if you have always had frequent UTI's but during menopause its often caused by the decrease of estrogen and the thinning of your vagina tissue and the area around your urethra opening which allows bacteria to get in easier. Getting your hormones balanced correctly may help that issue and also help with your orgasms.*
> 
> The UTI's are a recent problem that I started getting in 2015 and ended up with 4 last year. I am now taking daily Urinary Probiotics and a large dose of Cranberry tablets. It has helped with the symptoms and so far I haven't had a recurrence this year. I do understand that menopause can contribute to UTI just another side effect that we have to deal with.
> 
> *Some other resources that have been helpful to me:
> https://www.womentowomen.com/health-library/ (this site comes from a clinic and also sells products - but I use the health library for a wealth of information
> 
> this site also was helpful
> https://sexualityresources.com/learn
> *
> 
> Thank you again I will look into these books.
> 
> *And lastly - but very important - kegels! A must do!! Google kegels to learn to do them right - and then do them several times a day - every day!*
> 
> Yes, I am also trying to do kegels everyday. Much harder to do now than a few years ago after having children.
> 
> Good Luck


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## Vinnydee

Although I am not a woman, I think I know my wife's orgasms very well after 45 years of marriage. I am very lucky because my wife usually reaches an orgasm in under three minutes. She was the one who had to hold off waiting until I was ready to orgasm. We used to joke that all I had to do was look at it and she would orgasm. There are many times when I wish she took longer to orgasm because I like performing oral sex and within 30 seconds she is grabbing my hair and pressing my face into her vagina to get her first orgasm. My wife has orgamsed as much as 17 times in a 4 hour period. She orgasms from direct clitoral stimulation. Intercourse puts pressure on her clitoris but not as good as direct stimulation like from oral.

At the age of 64 she still has an orgasm quickly, but the most she will have is 3 at a time. A few weeks ago she had 10 orgasm by having sex three times during the week. When I pointed that out to her, her reply was that 10 orgams were only the ones I knew about.


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## mary35

Understanding Sexual Arousal in Women ? Women?s Health Network

This is sn advertisement for a herbal product, Arginelle. I actually used this product, among many others, when I was trying to restore sensation and the ability to orgasm and it did seem to help. But I posted the article for you because of the good info not the product.

To answer your question It took me over a year (a very long and frustrating year) to restore some sensation and my ability to have orgasms, although the ability was not reliable and sometimes very unsatisfying because of how week they were when they happened. More research, more work and continual monitoring and adjusting hormones - and 7 - 8 years later, I can have an orgasm and often more than one almost any time I want. I had never had multiples before menopause. I probably could have, but didn't know it. 

Bottom line - you can teach an older dog new tricks. And perseverance, determination, knowledge, and work do pay off.


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## mary35

My experience with porn was the same. In fact I found it actually dulled my senses after awhile. However, it did teach me the power of my brain and the power of fantasy which I have learned to tap into when needed. 

Let's face it - after many years of the same thing over and over, our senses do get dulled. We have to find ways to wake then up. Since I believe in monogamy, that means working with my long term partner only, to try to find ways to make it feel new and exciting again. Not an easy feat especially when he is not great at being creative and inventive and likes staying with the same old.


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## mary35

I understand your reluctance towards hormonal therapy. And you may not even be a candidate for them. However do research them, and consider that it may still be worth while to have your levels tested so you know what you are dealing with. Can't fix what you don't know is wrong. 

I thought I needed more estrogen, so was looking for natural ways to increase it. In fact - I was actually estrogen dominant. Meaning that while my estrogen levels had fallen, my progesterone levels had fallen more. Since our bodies function best with a certain ratio balance of estrogen to progesterone (simplifying this a lot for sake of discussion), I had too much estrogen for my low level of progesterone. So while I did need to increase estrogen, I also needed even higher dosages of progesterone to get everything balanced. I opted to go the bio identical hormone replacement route after extensive research and not enough luck with the natural products route. 

My point is, that in not knowing I was estrogen dominant, I was making things worse or at the minimum, needlessly spinning my wheels by only concentrating on trying to increase estrogen.

As a side note, also adding testosterone has made a huge difference in my desire for sex which directly improves my functioning ability. 

And again, I can't stress Kegels enough. The stronger your muscles, the stronger the sensations of orgasm conttactions. Plus you can learn to use those muscles to help you tip over the edge as needed.


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## Ursula

LiC, I've always had the same problems, and it is frustrating. I've never hit O with any of my past partners, or my H. The only way this can happen is with a vibrator, by myself. I've learned to live with it, and pleasure myself at least a couple times a week this way, and then when H and I do it once a week, it's not so frustrating.


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## ChipperE

I have a hair trigger and can orgasm in under a minute. I orgasm consistently throughout intercourse. My husband has a certain rhythm/angle that he knows sits right on top of the g-spot and so it's like hitting "repeat"!

My question to you: Do you do kegel or any type of vaginal exercises? I do kegels all day long and they have done nothing but give me stronger and more frequent orgasms. Might be worth trying if you aren't doing that? If not, maybe some of those lubes that increase sensitivity?


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## Fitnessfan

Vinnydee said:


> Although I am not a woman, I think I know my wife's orgasms very well after 45 years of marriage. I am very luck because my wife usually reaches an orgasm in under three minutes. She was the one who had to hold off waiting until I was ready to orgasm. We used to joke that all I had to do was look at it and she would orgasm. There are many times when I wish she took longer to orgasm because I like performing oral sex an within 30 seconds she is grabbing my hair and pressing my face into her vagina and starting her first orgasm. My wife had orgamsed as much as 17 times in a 4 hour period. She orgasms from direct clitoral stimulation. Intercourse puts pressure on her clitoris which can be done without intercourse.
> 
> At the age of 64 she still has an orgasm quickly, but the most she will have is 3 at a time. A few weeks ago she had 10 orgasm by having sex three times during the week. When I pointed that out to her, her reply was that 10 orgams were only the ones I knew about.


Thank you for telling us how often your wife can orgasm. How is this helpful to the OP?


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## Fitnessfan

LIC, I was having issues with frequent UTI's as well and what helped was urininating and/or showering right after sex. I've not had a UTI since starting that habit (suggested by my doctor). Also, if you can O with a vibrator by yourself, can you try doing the same with your husband as part of your lovemaking? I recommend doing it before his orgasm and then feeling him inside you after you have had yours. I don't mean he uses the vibrator on you, I mean, you use it on yourself as he kisses your breasts or your mouth or something like that. If you can orgasm on your own, you will find a way to orgasm with him, even if its with help. I have a lot of friends that use the bullet with their husbands with much success. I wish you luck, hang in there!


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## Fitnessfan

Taxman said:


> LIC
> Hope you do not mind a male perspective. My wife has slowly ramped up her sexual response. When we first got together, we were lucky to have one orgasm from oral stimulation of her clitoris. Over the years, her response has gotten better and better. We recently stumbled on a technique of treating the clitoris as essentially a very small penis. What I do, is put my mouth over her clit, suck the head just past my lips and emulate a blow job, sucking up and down and pulling at it. She usually orgasms within seconds and will orgasm over and over again. I got this from a client who is bi-sexual, and incorporated his technique for male lovers into his technique for female lovers. The results are spectacular.


Mind blown on this one. Never heard this...does this really work???? Passing on to hubby!


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## Lifeiscomplicated

Taxman said:


> LIC
> Hope you do not mind a male perspective. My wife has slowly ramped up her sexual response. When we first got together, we were lucky to have one orgasm from oral stimulation of her clitoris. Over the years, her response has gotten better and better. We recently stumbled on a technique of treating the clitoris as essentially a very small penis. What I do, is put my mouth over her clit, suck the head just past my lips and emulate a blow job, sucking up and down and pulling at it. She usually orgasms within seconds and will orgasm over and over again. I got this from a client who is bi-sexual, and incorporated his technique for male lovers into his technique for female lovers. The results are spectacular.


Thank you Taxman for this tip. My husband has also done this technique on me before and it does feel great. A lot more sensation than just licking etc. however, it is not enough to bring on a O. Maybe I should get him to do it longer and see what happens (if he could possibly manage more than 5 minutes). I know that after a while of doing this I will get him to stop and I then take over with a vibrator or my own hand. I need to have hard circular pressure on the pubic bone around the clit area to help with O. I will certainly try this again.


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## Lifeiscomplicated

Middle of Everything said:


> I luckily stumbled upon this technique early in my marriage/relationship.
> 
> The times before I found this technique? I literally had a sore tongue for days. :grin2:


LOL! Same with the husband.


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## Taxman

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Thank you Taxman for this tip. My husband has also done this technique on me before and it does feel great. A lot more sensation than just licking etc. however, it is not enough to bring on a O. Maybe I should get him to do it longer and see what happens. I know that after a while of doing this I will get him to stop and I then take over with a vibrator or my own hand. I need to have hard circular pressure on the pubic bone around the clit area to help with O. I will certainly try this again.


Let him know that he has to apply pressure while engaging in this technique. It works like gangbusters.


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## Lifeiscomplicated

MJJEAN said:


> 1) Vaginal, oral, and manual all give me orgasms.
> 
> 2) How long it takes me to orgasm depends on a few factors. Obviously, if I am tense or distracted when we begin, it might take a bit longer. Usually, about 5-10 minutes.
> 
> 3) I rarely have a single orgasm. Usually, I'll have one and then another either immediately or within 3-4 minutes as long as stimulation continues. So, I'd say fairly easy.
> 
> 4) I do not touch myself or use a vibrator generally. The exception is when DH wants to watch me as part of foreplay or when we're doing something kinky.
> 
> 5) I've never found it difficult with DH with the exception of when I was on antidepressants.
> 
> You mention in your post you are on antidepressants. Low libido is a known side effect of some medications and so is difficulty reaching orgasm. It's entirely possible you can't get there because of one or more medications. It happened to me. Speak to your doctor, explain the problem, and see if you can try a different medication.


MJJEAN I am so envious! You are one very lucky lady to O that easily.

I have tried many different antidepressants over the years and agree that low libido or no libido is always a side effect. I have been on and off them for many months at a time because my husband can't cope without having sex at least weekly and when I am on them I have absolutely no desire nor do I want to be touched. I try to stay off the meds until I can't cope any longer with the depression, sadness or the day to day business of running a family.


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## Lifeiscomplicated

release2016 said:


> If in the right frame of mind I can orgasm with 2 or 3 minutes of masturbating. Takes longer with partner though,
> 
> That said I think frame of mind is all important - if you think something will be difficult it usually is, and vice versa- the following link could well help as i feel having a positive attitude towards attaining an orgasm is key. Def works for me -
> 
> Female Orgasm Positive Affirmations ? Free Affirmations ? Free Positive Affirmations
> 
> Agaiin I need to feel reasonable at ease and at least somewhat in the mood to come. However i can recall one occasion, and only one, where i was thoroughly NOT in the mood and partner "made me orgasm" against all odds because i didn;t want to come as I was annoyed with him about something. I was shocked and surprised it happened. Has never happened again!


Thank you for the affirmations. I will definitely give them a try.


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## Lifeiscomplicated

Vinnydee said:


> Although I am not a woman, I think I know my wife's orgasms very well after 45 years of marriage. I am very luck because my wife usually reaches an orgasm in under three minutes. She was the one who had to hold off waiting until I was ready to orgasm. We used to joke that all I had to do was look at it and she would orgasm. There are many times when I wish she took longer to orgasm because I like performing oral sex an within 30 seconds she is grabbing my hair and pressing my face into her vagina and starting her first orgasm. My wife had orgamsed as much as 17 times in a 4 hour period. She orgasms from direct clitoral stimulation. Intercourse puts pressure on her clitoris which can be done without intercourse.
> 
> At the age of 64 she still has an orgasm quickly, but the most she will have is 3 at a time. A few weeks ago she had 10 orgasm by having sex three times during the week. When I pointed that out to her, her reply was that 10 orgams were only the ones I knew about.


Vinnydee, you have a very fortunate wife who is still able to do that at 64. I hope to be still having sex at 64. Good on you both!


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## Lifeiscomplicated

Fitnessfan said:


> LIC, I was having issues with frequent UTI's as well and what helped was urininating and/or showering right after sex. I've not had a UTI since starting that habit (suggested by my doctor). Also, if you can O with a vibrator by yourself, can you try doing the same with your husband as part of your lovemaking? I recommend doing it before his orgasm and then feeling him inside you after you have had yours. I don't mean he uses the vibrator on you, I mean, you use it on yourself as he kisses your breasts or your mouth or something like that. If you can orgasm on your own, you will find a way to orgasm with him, even if its with help. I have a lot of friends that use the bullet with their husbands with much success. I wish you luck, hang in there!


Hi Fitnessfan, I do urinate just before and straight after sex but it didn't seem to make much difference. What I found is if we don't spend a lot of time with foreplay especially using the fingers (which are always clean BTW) I wouldn't end up with a UTI. Unfortunately for me I much prefer fingers than any other foreplay.

The most satisfactory vibrator that I have is a flexible rabbit however I need to have it on top speed for it to work and have tried using it when he is inside me but it is quite cumbersome and he hates feeling it or even feeling the vibrations. I think if I was to use it while he is kissing me it would take to long for me to O as it is, it can take 5 mins or more before I O depending on how relaxed I am. I also own something similar to a bullet that could be used during sex but it was just too weak even on top speed and did nothing for me.


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## Lifeiscomplicated

mary35 said:


> Understanding Sexual Arousal in Women ? Women?s Health Network
> 
> This is sn advertisement for a herbal product, Arginelle. I actually used this product, among many others, when I was trying to restore sensation and the ability to orgasm and it did seem to help. But I posted the article for you because of the good info not the product.
> 
> To answer your question It took me over a year (a very long and frustrating year) to restore some sensation and my ability to have orgasms, although the ability was not reliable and sometimes very unsatisfying because of how week they were when they happened. More research, more work and continual monitoring and adjusting hormones - and 7 - 8 years later, I can have an orgasm and often more than one almost any time I want. I had never had multiples before menopause. I probably could have, but didn't know it.
> 
> Bottom line - you can teach an older dog new tricks. And perseverance, determination, knowledge, and work do pay off.


Thanks Mary35! 7-8 years to get it right. I will be close to 60 by then. Bl**dy menopause as if us women haven't had enough to deal with body wise throughout our lives without having to deal with these other problems.

I am glad to know that with much perseverance you were able to overcome the problem.


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## Lifeiscomplicated

mary35 said:


> My experience with porn was the same. In fact I found it actually dulled my senses after awhile. However, it did teach me the power of my brain and the power of fantasy which I have learned to tap into when needed.
> 
> Let's face it - after many years of the same thing over and over, our senses do get dulled. We have to find ways to wake then up. Since I believe in monogamy, that means working with my long term partner only, to try to find ways to make it feel new and exciting again. Not an easy feat especially when he is not great at being creative and inventive and likes staying with the same old.


I agree it can become very monotonous after so many years with the same person that you do need to try and liven things up.


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## Lifeiscomplicated

mary35 said:


> I understand your reluctance towards hormonal therapy. And you may not even be a candidate for them. However do research them, and consider that it may still be worth while to have your levels tested so you know what you are dealing with. Can't fix what you don't know is wrong.
> 
> I thought I needed more estrogen, so was looking for natural ways to increase it. In fact - I was actually estrogen dominant. Meaning that while my estrogen levels had fallen, my progesterone levels had fallen more. Since our bodies function best with a certain ratio balance of estrogen to progesterone (simplifying this a lot for sake of discussion), I had too much estrogen for my low level of progesterone. So while I did need to increase estrogen, I also needed even higher dosages of progesterone to get everything balanced. I opted to go the bio identical hormone replacement route after extensive research and not enough luck with the natural products route.
> 
> My point is, that in not knowing I was estrogen dominant, I was making things worse or at the minimum, needlessly spinning my wheels by only concentrating on trying to increase estrogen.
> 
> As a side note, also adding testosterone has made a huge difference in my desire for sex which directly improves my functioning ability.
> 
> And again, I can't stress Kegels enough. The stronger your muscles, the stronger the sensations of orgasm conttactions. Plus you can learn to use those muscles to help you tip over the edge as needed.



Unfortunately, I am not a candidate for HRT due to female family cancers. I am taking medication for my Rosacea which lowers the androgen levels a particular type of male steroid hormone that women have. Personally, I blame (happy wise) this medication for my HD even though there is no such side effect regarding libido when using this medication.

*And again, I can't stress Kegels enough. The stronger your muscles, the stronger the sensations of orgasm conttactions. Plus you can learn to use those muscles to help you tip over the edge as needed.[/QUOTE]
*
Interesting! I do kegels during sex only because I like the sensation and I think I am doing something worthwhile to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles to help prevent incontinence.

Thank you again Mary35 for your advice.


----------



## Lifeiscomplicated

Ursula said:


> LiC, I've always had the same problems, and it is frustrating. I've never hit O with any of my past partners, or my H. The only way this can happen is with a vibrator, by myself. I've learned to live with it, and pleasure myself at least a couple times a week this way, and then when H and I do it once a week, it's not so frustrating.


Hi Ursula, I to have learnt to live with it but I'm tired of accepting it now as normal because I don't think it is. There has to be another way and I am determined while I can still be bothered in researching it. 

Did you ever think that maybe we are not the problem that it might be our partners and previous partners that may not have be very skilled in the art of love making LOL.


----------



## Personal

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Taxman said:
> 
> 
> 
> LIC
> Hope you do not mind a male perspective. My wife has slowly ramped up her sexual response. When we first got together, we were lucky to have one orgasm from oral stimulation of her clitoris. Over the years, her response has gotten better and better. We recently stumbled on a technique of treating the clitoris as essentially a very small penis. What I do, is put my mouth over her clit, suck the head just past my lips and emulate a blow job, sucking up and down and pulling at it. She usually orgasms within seconds and will orgasm over and over again. I got this from a client who is bi-sexual, and incorporated his technique for male lovers into his technique for female lovers. The results are spectacular.
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you Taxman for this tip. My husband has also done this technique on me before and it does feel great. A lot more sensation than just licking etc. however, it is not enough to bring on a O. Maybe I should get him to do it longer and see what happens. I know that after a while of doing this I will get him to stop and I then take over with a vibrator or my own hand. I need to have hard circular pressure on the pubic bone around the clit area to help with O. I will certainly try this again.
Click to expand...

If it takes too long I/we would stop as well, since overstimulation can be a great way to lose the sensation.

......

Anyway I've always done oral that way, even as far back as my first sexual partner.

In addition to that if wanting more direct feedback, I insert a finger or two into my sexual partners rectum. The benefit of doing this is, I can then more closely and directly measure the woman's response to the oral (without toys or devices) that I am doing.

In the first instance you feel nothing as such, then after a short while you then feel a tightening that is also coincident with very small spasms/pulses that are fast like a vibrator. Once you get that pulse you then do more of exactly what caused it. So you then get more of those extremely fast micro spasms/pulses that you can feel through the rectum yet don't really feel through the vagina with your fingers. To the point that if you back off they diminish or go away, or get stronger as you get the woman closer to orgasm.

When I feel the groups of spasms/pulses get stronger and no longer have gaps as such between the groups, I know the woman is about to tip over into orgasm. So I then keep up that oral pressure technique until she tips over. Where I then feel a succession of deep slower throbbing pulses as felt through the rectum that provides the tell for the orgasm.

In my experience doing the sucking thing and variations of it, in combination with applying the feedback as informed by the backside, it normally doesn't take very long to bring a woman to orgasm.

In case it might work for you, perhaps you and your husband could try the same.

......

As to phallus/penis in vagina sex, does your husband last long enough for you to get close to tipping over into orgasm? Or is he changing position as you get close or frequently? Or are you not getting close at all?

I wish I could describe it properly but, the thing for my wife and I as well as my other sexual partners who have orgasmed through penetration without additional clitoral stimulation being applied. The ability to stroke consistently with lots of pressure at the right angle, while being consistent without changing position or significantly varying the stroke and pressure. While also not tipping over into orgasm before the woman does, which kills the pressure and length of stroke, goes a very long way.

As bland as missionary is made out to be, in my experience with various women it can be used very effectively to bring orgasm. Just as long as the stroke in and out is maintained with plenty of pressure. What I have variously found is that when you are in the right position inside on the end of the forward stroke towards the front and at the front of the penis, you can feel the top of the inside of the vagina push and rub. Once you have that position inside, you then stroke at a good rhythmic pace, that is not too fast while applying lots of pressure.

I wish I could describe it better but I can feel a difference around my penis when I'm in the right position to help my partner and partners in the past have a PIV orgasm, versus when I'm not in the right position to help them.

The right position sort of feels like what I imagine a key in the right lock might feel like. So I can feel the top of the inside of the vagina and can feel what sort of feels like having fingers grip the side of the shaft from below at an angle inside. Again I'm sorry in not having the best words to convey this.

The wrong position doesn't have the same feel, it's a bit like having a key that works but doesn't fit properly. Which can occur with the same woman, so it's about getting the position right to a great degree.

Anyway when the position is right, pressure is really important through each stroke at the right angle and maintaining it until that point where the woman changes.

So one minute it's just run of the mill PIV sex, where they seem to be enjoying it as such, but they're also thinking about what they've got to do in an hour or we're chatting. Then suddenly they change, their flush changes again and they go animal and are consumed in the moment. At that point just as long as you don't not tip over yourself, you know you will get them there pretty soon, just as long as you maintain the stroke and pressure. With that change, the grip around the penis becomes stronger, and it feels like they are grinding you then gripping and releasing you while their insides tilt forward and back. Then as they grip and tilt, you set your stroke to match theirs while always maintaining that pressure.

At the same time I have also variously found , because it can be different depending upon the person or what day it is etc with the same person. That when they have "changed" they often like to have their hair gripped tightly or even pulled a bit. Or they will then enjoy having their nipples worked hard including with teeth. Likewise running teeth down ones neck at the same time can add to it as well.

Plus kissing them as they approach orgasm while maintaining that pressure and stroke all while they're tilting inside. Is great to do as well because the level of wanton consumption that you get from them at that time as they want to be utterly consumed by you at the time is delicious.

Absent that "change", I wouldn't recommend applying teeth to a nipple or pulling hair as a go to in the first instance.

Anyway once they tip over to orgasm while inside of them, I find it best to keep going until they stop throbbing and variously tilting inside, lest you mistakenly think they've orgasmed when they haven't. Likewise some will also want you to keep going to get more orgasms when they reach that point. That said I find once it gets that far at some point I will not be able to maintain that position stroke or pressure to give them much more in terms of orgasms in quick succession, but hey they got there so...

Later tonight, I'll ask my wife to share how she would describe getting her there for a PIV orgasm, and what works for her and what doesn't along the way.


----------



## Lifeiscomplicated

ChipperE said:


> I have a hair trigger and can orgasm in under a minute. I orgasm consistently throughout intercourse. My husband has a certain rhythm/angle that he knows sits right on top of the g-spot and so it's like hitting "repeat"!
> 
> My question to you: Do you do kegel or any type of vaginal exercises? I do kegels all day long and they have done nothing but give me stronger and more frequent orgasms. Might be worth trying if you aren't doing that? If not, maybe some of those lubes that increase sensitivity?


What is a hair trigger? Does having orgasms consistently throughout intercourse something you enjoy having or can it be annoying? 

I have only recently started doing kegels again if I remember to do them at all. It is much harder to do now than it was after childbirth. I was hoping it will help with strengthening the bladder and therefore perhaps prevent UTI's and urinary incontinence.


----------



## Lifeiscomplicated

Taxman said:


> Let him know that he has to apply pressure while engaging in this technique. It works like gangbusters.


Okay thanks!


----------



## Lifeiscomplicated

Personal said:


> If it takes too long I/we would stop as well, since overstimulation can be a great way to lose the sensation.
> 
> ......
> 
> *Anyway I've always done oral that way, even as far back as my first sexual partner.
> 
> In addition to that if wanting more direct feedback, I insert a finger or two into my sexual partners rectum. The benefit of doing this is, I can then more closely and directly measure the woman's response to the oral (without toys or devices) that I am doing.
> 
> In the first instance you feel nothing as such, then after a short while you then feel a tightening that is also coincident with very small spasms/pulses that are fast like a vibrator. Once you get that pulse you then do more of exactly what caused it. So you then get more of those extremely fast micro spasms/pulses that you can feel through the rectum yet don't really feel through the vagina with your fingers. To the point that if you back off they diminish or go away, or get stronger as you get the woman closer to orgasm.
> 
> When I feel the groups of spasms/pulses get stronger and no longer have gaps as such between the groups, I know the woman is about to tip over into orgasm. So I then keep up that oral pressure technique until she tips over. Where I then feel a succession of deep slower throbbing pulses as felt through the rectum that provides the tell for the orgasm.
> 
> In my experience doing the sucking thing and variations of it, in combination with applying the feedback as informed by the backside, it normally doesn't take very long to bring a woman to orgasm.
> 
> In case it might work for you, perhaps you and your husband could try the same.
> 
> ......*
> We haven't done this in ages. Will try it again but this time I will pay more attention to what I feel.
> 
> 
> *As to phallus/penis in vagina sex, does your husband last long enough for you to get close to tipping over into orgasm? Or is he changing position as you get close or frequently? Or are you not getting close at all?
> 
> I wish I could describe it properly but, the thing for my wife and I as well as my other sexual partners who have orgasmed through penetration without additional clitoral stimulation being applied. The ability to stroke consistently with lots of pressure at the right angle, while being consistent without changing position or significantly varying the stroke and pressure. While also not tipping over into orgasm before the woman does, which kills the pressure and length of stroke, goes a very long way.
> 
> As bland as missionary is made out to be, in my experience with various women it can be used very effectively to bring orgasm. Just as long as the stroke in and out is maintained with plenty of pressure. What I have variously found is that when you are in the right position inside on the end of the forward stroke towards the front and at the front of the penis, you can feel the top of the inside of the vagina push and rub. Once you have that position inside, you then stroke at a good rhythmic pace, that is not too fast while applying lots of pressure.
> 
> I wish I could describe it better but I can feel a difference around my penis when I'm in the right position to help my partner and partners in the past have a PIV orgasm, versus when I'm not in the right position to help them.
> 
> The right position sort of feels like what I imagine a key in the right lock might feel like. So I can feel the top of the inside of the vagina and can feel what sort of feels like having fingers grip the side of the shaft from below at an angle inside. Again I'm sorry in not having the best words to convey this.
> 
> The wrong position doesn't have the same feel, it's a bit like having a key that works but doesn't fit properly. Which can occur with the same woman, so it's about getting the position right to a great degree.
> 
> Anyway when the position is right, pressure is really important through each stroke at the right angle and maintaining it until that point where the woman changes.
> 
> So one minute it's just run of the mill PIV sex, where they seem to be enjoying it as such, but they're also thinking about what they've got to do in an hour or we're chatting. Then suddenly they change, their flush changes again and they go animal and are consumed in the moment. At that point just as long as you don't not tip over yourself, you know you will get them there pretty soon, just as long as you maintain the stroke and pressure. With that change, the grip around the penis becomes stronger, and it feels like they are grinding you then gripping and releasing you while their insides tilt forward and back. Then as they grip and tilt, you set your stroke to match theirs while always maintaining that pressure.
> 
> At the same time I have also found variously because it can be different depending upon the person or what day it is etc with the same person.That when they have "changed" they often like to have their hair gripped tightly or even pulled a bit. Or they will then enjoy having their nipples worked hard including with teeth. Likewise running teeth down ones neck at the same time can add to it as well.
> 
> Plus kissing them as they approach orgasm while maintaining that pressure and stroke all while they're tilting inside. Is great to do as well because the level of wanton consumption that you get from them at that time as they want to be utterly consumed by you at the time is delicious.
> 
> Absent that "change", I wouldn't recommend applying teeth to a nipple or pulling hair as a go to in the first instance.
> 
> Anyway once they tip over to orgasm while inside of them, I find it best to keep going until they stop throbbing and variously tilting inside, lest you mistakenly think they've orgasmed when they haven't. Likewise some will also want you to keep going to get more orgasms when they reach that point. That said I find once it gets that far at some point I will not be able to maintain that position stroke or pressure to give them much more in terms of orgasms in quick succession, but hey they got there so...*
> 
> Husband is like the Duracell Bunny, he can go on and on...... And no I do not even get close to orgasm in any position. A lot of the time I let him choose the positions because he is the one who will benefit from an orgasm not me.
> 
> I think I understand what you are saying. Can you do this way in any position or is it mainly missionary? When you mention pressure are you trying to aim yourself at the top of the vagina by rubbing against the G-spot? Does the stroke need to be slow or doesn't it matter as long as you are aiming towards the top of the vagina if this makes sense? Does the woman need to grind herself up and forward for this to work? If the orgasm is due to the penis rubbing the G-spot I don't think this will work for me because I don't feel any wonderful sensations or really any sensation except for a dull feeling like someone pushing down on something inside you IFYKWIM. My husband can feel it becoming bigger and swollen when using his fingers but I don't really feel anything at all.
> 
> Later tonight, I'll ask my wife to share how she would describe getting her there for a PIV orgasm, and what works for her and what doesn't along the way.


Thank you so much Personal for your advice. Can't wait until husband gets home from work to try your techniques.


----------



## Personal

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> We haven't done this in ages. Will try it again but this time I will pay more attention to what I feel.


I Hope it helps, anyway the finger thing is for him to feel it and then he responds accordingly.

I can often get my wife to orgasm without using the fingers in the backside for feedback. Versus when I use the fingers and feel the sensations, I almost always get my wife to orgasm.



Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Husband is like the Duracell Bunny, he can go on and on...... And no I do not even get close to orgasm in any position. A lot of the time I let him choose the positions because he is the one who will benefit from an orgasm not me.
> 
> I think I understand what you are saying. Can you do this way in any position or is it mainly missionary? When you mention pressure are you trying to aim yourself at the top of the vagina by rubbing against the G-spot? Does the stroke need to be slow or doesn't it matter as long as you are aiming towards the top of the vagina if this makes sense? Does the woman need to grind herself up and forward for this to work? If the orgasm is due to the penis rubbing the G-spot I don't think this will work for me because I don't feel any wonderful sensations or really any sensation except for a dull feeling like someone pushing down on something inside you IFYKWIM. My husband can feel it becoming bigger and swollen when using his fingers but I don't really feel anything at all.


I find it works more reliably with missionary or variations of the same for reaching orgasm through PIV alone, and I can also less reliably get my partner to have an orgasm when they're on top as well. Whereas I can't recall ever been able to get any woman to have an orgasm without additional stimulation with PIV sex, when we've been spooning or doing it "doggy style".

As to the stroke, I'll have to get back to you on details, since in the moment it's not something I have specifically thought about. It's certainly not very fast as such (although I do vary it), going long in the stroke helps a lot though combined with having the right angle with a slow escalation along the way.

As to the woman grinding, my wife sometimes does kegels when we have sex which is nice, yet when she reaches that moment of change she isn't intentionally doing anything.



Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Thank you so much Personal for your advice. Can't wait until husband gets home from work to try your techniques.


I don't know if it will help you both, but I do hope it does.

All the best.

I don't know how relevant this is, but I'll add that my wife is 46, pre-menopause and has had two children through vaginal births as well.


----------



## Spicy

Anybody else need a cigarette? >
And I've never smoked. 



Personal said:


> If it takes too long I/we would stop as well, since overstimulation can be a great way to lose the sensation.
> 
> ......
> 
> Anyway I've always done oral that way, even as far back as my first sexual partner.
> 
> In addition to that if wanting more direct feedback, I insert a finger or two into my sexual partners rectum. The benefit of doing this is, I can then more closely and directly measure the woman's response to the oral (without toys or devices) that I am doing.
> 
> In the first instance you feel nothing as such, then after a short while you then feel a tightening that is also coincident with very small spasms/pulses that are fast like a vibrator. Once you get that pulse you then do more of exactly what caused it. So you then get more of those extremely fast micro spasms/pulses that you can feel through the rectum yet don't really feel through the vagina with your fingers. To the point that if you back off they diminish or go away, or get stronger as you get the woman closer to orgasm.
> 
> When I feel the groups of spasms/pulses get stronger and no longer have gaps as such between the groups, I know the woman is about to tip over into orgasm. So I then keep up that oral pressure technique until she tips over. Where I then feel a succession of deep slower throbbing pulses as felt through the rectum that provides the tell for the orgasm.
> 
> In my experience doing the sucking thing and variations of it, in combination with applying the feedback as informed by the backside, it normally doesn't take very long to bring a woman to orgasm.
> 
> In case it might work for you, perhaps you and your husband could try the same.
> 
> ......
> 
> As to phallus/penis in vagina sex, does your husband last long enough for you to get close to tipping over into orgasm? Or is he changing position as you get close or frequently? Or are you not getting close at all?
> 
> I wish I could describe it properly but, the thing for my wife and I as well as my other sexual partners who have orgasmed through penetration without additional clitoral stimulation being applied. The ability to stroke consistently with lots of pressure at the right angle, while being consistent without changing position or significantly varying the stroke and pressure. While also not tipping over into orgasm before the woman does, which kills the pressure and length of stroke, goes a very long way.
> 
> As bland as missionary is made out to be, in my experience with various women it can be used very effectively to bring orgasm. Just as long as the stroke in and out is maintained with plenty of pressure. What I have variously found is that when you are in the right position inside on the end of the forward stroke towards the front and at the front of the penis, you can feel the top of the inside of the vagina push and rub. Once you have that position inside, you then stroke at a good rhythmic pace, that is not too fast while applying lots of pressure.
> 
> I wish I could describe it better but I can feel a difference around my penis when I'm in the right position to help my partner and partners in the past have a PIV orgasm, versus when I'm not in the right position to help them.
> 
> The right position sort of feels like what I imagine a key in the right lock might feel like. So I can feel the top of the inside of the vagina and can feel what sort of feels like having fingers grip the side of the shaft from below at an angle inside. Again I'm sorry in not having the best words to convey this.
> 
> The wrong position doesn't have the same feel, it's a bit like having a key that works but doesn't fit properly. Which can occur with the same woman, so it's about getting the position right to a great degree.
> 
> Anyway when the position is right, pressure is really important through each stroke at the right angle and maintaining it until that point where the woman changes.
> 
> So one minute it's just run of the mill PIV sex, where they seem to be enjoying it as such, but they're also thinking about what they've got to do in an hour or we're chatting. Then suddenly they change, their flush changes again and they go animal and are consumed in the moment. At that point just as long as you don't not tip over yourself, you know you will get them there pretty soon, just as long as you maintain the stroke and pressure. With that change, the grip around the penis becomes stronger, and it feels like they are grinding you then gripping and releasing you while their insides tilt forward and back. Then as they grip and tilt, you set your stroke to match theirs while always maintaining that pressure.
> 
> At the same time I have also variously found , because it can be different depending upon the person or what day it is etc with the same person. That when they have "changed" they often like to have their hair gripped tightly or even pulled a bit. Or they will then enjoy having their nipples worked hard including with teeth. Likewise running teeth down ones neck at the same time can add to it as well.
> 
> Plus kissing them as they approach orgasm while maintaining that pressure and stroke all while they're tilting inside. Is great to do as well because the level of wanton consumption that you get from them at that time as they want to be utterly consumed by you at the time is delicious.
> 
> Absent that "change", I wouldn't recommend applying teeth to a nipple or pulling hair as a go to in the first instance.
> 
> Anyway once they tip over to orgasm while inside of them, I find it best to keep going until they stop throbbing and variously tilting inside, lest you mistakenly think they've orgasmed when they haven't. Likewise some will also want you to keep going to get more orgasms when they reach that point. That said I find once it gets that far at some point I will not be able to maintain that position stroke or pressure to give them much more in terms of orgasms in quick succession, but hey they got there so...
> 
> Later tonight, I'll ask my wife to share how she would describe getting her there for a PIV orgasm, and what works for her and what doesn't along the way.


----------



## MJJEAN

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> MJJEAN I am so envious! You are one very lucky lady to O that easily.
> 
> I have tried many different antidepressants over the years and agree that low libido or no libido is always a side effect. I have been on and off them for many months at a time because my husband can't cope without having sex at least weekly and when I am on them I have absolutely no desire nor do I want to be touched. I try to stay off the meds until I can't cope any longer with the depression, sadness or the day to day business of running a family.



I tried multiple anti-depressants. I had some pretty gnarly side effects on one. Severe constant back and stomach pain. Felt like I was trying to digest glass and rocks with acid. My back hurt so much I couldn't sleep for a few days. It was miserable. A different med completely numbed me. I couldn't feel much physically or emotionally, but at least my thinking wasn't dulled. It was weird. I knew I should be feeling a certain emotion in any given situation, but I just couldn't feel it, ya know? The last two I tried had sexual side effects. One made me able to become highly aroused, but I couldn't orgasm. The other killed my libido.

Is medical marijuana legal in your state? It's fairly well known that pot increases libido and lowers inhibitions in many. It's also shown promise as an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. My state approved medical marijuana for depression a year or so ago. I got sick of playing Wheel of Side Effects, and gave medical pot a try. So far,a year and some change in, I have had no symptoms of anxiety and very little depression. Might be worth looking into just in case the meds are the culprit.



Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Hi Fitnessfan, I do urinate just before and straight after sex but it didn't seem to make much difference. What I found is if we don't spend a lot of time with foreplay especially using the fingers (which are always clean BTW) I wouldn't end up with a UTI. Unfortunately for me I much prefer fingers than any other foreplay.
> 
> *The most satisfactory vibrator that I have is a flexible rabbit however I need to have it on top speed for it to work *and have tried using it when he is inside me but it is quite cumbersome and he hates feeling it or even feeling the vibrations. I think if I was to use it while he is kissing me it would take to long for me to O as it is, it can take 5 mins or more before I O depending on how relaxed I am. I also own something similar to a bullet that could be used during sex but it was just too weak even on top speed and did nothing for me.


 I've heard that using a vibe on an intense setting over a long period of time can reduce sensation and even cause deadening of the nerves. I've also heard that this is temporary, if it happens at all, and sensation should return. Do some research and decide what you believe. I, for one, think that using a vibe regularly is fine provided the speed and technique vary between sessions so that the numbness many women report doesn't occur and also so that the body and mind aren't conditioned to only orgasm from that specific vibe used that specific way.


----------



## 269370

Taxman said:


> LIC
> 
> Hope you do not mind a male perspective. My wife has slowly ramped up her sexual response. When we first got together, we were lucky to have one orgasm from oral stimulation of her clitoris. Over the years, her response has gotten better and better. We recently stumbled on a technique of treating the clitoris as essentially a very small penis. What I do, is put my mouth over her clit, suck the head just past my lips and emulate a blow job, sucking up and down and pulling at it. She usually orgasms within seconds and will orgasm over and over again. I got this from a client who is bi-sexual, and incorporated his technique for male lovers into his technique for female lovers. The results are spectacular.



That's a good technique; it would be even better to engage the tongue once the clit is 'sucked in' at the same time, building up slowly. When she's close, I keep the clit sucked in and continue with just the tongue towards the end. Correct build up seemed more important for her though. The sucking helps with the blood flow.


----------



## Personal

MJJEAN said:


> I tried multiple anti-depressants. I had some pretty gnarly side effects on one. Severe constant back and stomach pain. Felt like I was trying to digest glass and rocks with acid. My back hurt so much I couldn't sleep for a few days. It was miserable. A different med completely numbed me. I couldn't feel much physically or emotionally, but at least my thinking wasn't dulled. It was weird. I knew I should be feeling a certain emotion in any given situation, but I just couldn't feel it, ya know? The last two I tried had sexual side effects. One made me able to become highly aroused, but I couldn't orgasm. The other killed my libido.
> 
> Is medical marijuana legal in your state? It's fairly well known that pot increases libido and lowers inhibitions in many. It's also shown promise as an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. My state approved medical marijuana for depression a year or so ago. I got sick of playing Wheel of Side Effects, and gave medical pot a try. So far,a year and some change in, I have had no symptoms of anxiety and very little depression. Might be worth looking into just in case the meds are the culprit.


To date my wife and I have been fortunate in not ever having to take antidepressants. That said if we find ourselves needing such help, we would certainly use them. The good news is medical marijuana is now legal in Australia and can be prescribed by doctors for a number of conditions, so that may be one solution as well.



MJJEAN said:


> I've heard that using a vibe on an intense setting over a long period of time can reduce sensation and even cause deadening of the nerves. I've also heard that this is temporary, if it happens at all, and sensation should return. Do some research and decide what you believe. I, for one, think that using a vibe regularly is fine provided the speed and technique vary between sessions so that the numbness many women report doesn't occur and also so that the body and mind aren't conditioned to only orgasm from that specific vibe used that specific way.


My wife doesn't use vibrators since she finds the experience too much, to the point that it makes her feel numb on the occasions she's tried using them in the past. On the other hand some people get a lot out of them, so it comes down to what works for you.


----------



## 269370

Thinking about it...All the technical tips might be useful but only up to a point. First of all, every woman is different and responds differently to different stimuli. Secondly, the biggest sex organ is the brain. Especially on a woman. (On a man too but it's usually the other way around: his brain is *in* his penis). 

The issue is most probably psychological (since you worked out that you _can_ come from masturbation). The key is for you to train yourself to 'let go' and for your husband, to work out what makes that organ (brain) tick. Trying different techniques is a given. Eventually with practice, you can 'train' your brain to 'go to that place' quicker, in order to orgasm, the more you do it.

It also helps to understand first whether it's easier to achieve O from g spot/PIV or clit stimulation and work from there accordingly. Some women don't like both areas stimulated simultaneously. Others won't come unless each hole is filled up to the full.
Your husband needs to take time and try to take you to that place psychologically and your job is to let him (and not get annoyed or at least not show that you are annoyed..).
Anticipation is also a powerful aphrodisiac. Let him tell you what he wants to do to you in all the detail beforehand. Start the foreplay in the morning and build it up throughout the day.
Technique is important but it doesn't work on its own.


----------



## Personal

inmyprime said:


> Thinking about it...All the technical tips might be useful but only up to a point. First of all, every woman is different and responds differently to different stimuli. Secondly, the biggest sex organ is the brain. Especially on a woman. (On a man too but it's usually the other way around: his brain is *in* his penis).


Ultimately when it comes to having an orgasm, technique is largely the point. Although I concur that all women are variously different just as all men are. It is also worth remembering, that we're all very similar as well. In that for the most part all of us have sexual organs (and I'm not referring to the brain), that can when rubbed in a certain way for a sufficient amount of time see us having an orgasm.



inmyprime said:


> The issue is most probably psychological (since you worked out that you _can_ come from masturbation).


Actually considering the fact that @Lifeiscomplicated can orgasm through masturbation. It is highly likely that she is perfectly able to to have a partner bring her to orgasm while having sex. So it probably isn't a psychological issue at all.

On the other hand over stimulation with a vibrator, combined with the libido killing effect of some antidepressants may play a big role in this.



inmyprime said:


> The key is for you to train yourself to 'let go' and for your husband, to work out what makes that organ (brain) tick.


I concur with this in that it helps not to be anxious about such things, and to likewise relax in the moment. That said knowing how someone supposedly ticks, is no substitute for the application of sufficient and effective stimulation of the clitoris when wanting to actually have an orgasm. 



inmyprime said:


> Trying different techniques is a given. Eventually with practice, you can 'train' your brain to 'go to that place' quicker, in order to orgasm, the more you do it.


Again sure it does help to be in the right frame of mind, yet that big splendid sex organ called the clitoris, is where the real action is.



inmyprime said:


> It also helps to understand first whether it's easier to achieve O from g spot/PIV or clit stimulation and work from there accordingly. Some women don't like both areas stimulated simultaneously.


Penis/phallus in the vagina sex can stimulate the legs of the clitoris, just as fiddling with the bit at the end can as well. Rub the penis in the right way and you're likely to get an orgasm, rub the clitoris in the right way and you're also likely to get an orgasm. Don't rub either of them the right way and chances are you're not likely to get an orgasm.



inmyprime said:


> Others won't come unless each hole is filled up to the full.


Hmmm... Really? ... I think it is extraordinarily unlikely that any women *can't* achieve an orgasm, *unless* they have their vagina and anus coincidentally filled with phalli at the same time.



inmyprime said:


> Your husband needs to take time and try to take you to that place psychologically and your job is to let him (and not get annoyed or at least not show that you are annoyed..).


He can take her to the sky of diamonds with Lucy if he likes, yet that is still unlikely to get her there in the absence of effective physical stimulation. 

That said your suggestion that her job is to not show annoyance, or more broadly through inference, to not express disappointment or share the negatives. Is a very corrosive approach in any sexual relationships where problems exist.

Great sex for all participants, isn't built upon having one or more participants, hiding their feelings and or pretending that they're enjoying something when they're not.

For example my wife's first sexual partner was a sexually experienced, divorced older man who had no trouble attracting women, yet no matter how much he tried, he could never get her to have an orgasm.

At first she told him that she wasn't getting, there so in response he would try different things and again she would tell him it wasn't happening.

So following that he went to a popular go to for some men who can't get a women to orgasm. By telling her "you're the only woman who I've been with that can't orgasm, maybe it's you, maybe it's in your head" or words to that effect. That being the case it was time to introduce self doubt and inviting that chap called Resentment to the party.

Out of hoping for the best and trying to get him to understand that he wasn't stimulating her right, she told him again it still isn't happening. Which led to him to try a new tack, which saw him claiming she was actually having orgasms, because she got so wet, or thick white stuff came out, or that cloudy stuff with white flecks was there. Yet despite his assertions, there were still no orgasms! So being inexperienced and not knowing any better and not wanting to harm his fragile ego, she then decided, to do her job, suck it up and fake her orgasms.

So to him the sex got better because she was having (fake) "orgasms", cause you know she was like wet and she wanted it and all that, Yet really she was disappointed, somewhat frustrated and though she enjoyed sex as such, she wasn't getting any orgasms out of it, so he got dumped soon afterwards.

Unsurprisingly though as it turns out, my wife like probably almost all women, was/is perfectly capable of easily having frequent orgasms through digital, oral and penis/phallus in vagina stimulation. All that is required is a sufficient amount of effective physical stimulation, absent that stimulation she's not going to have an orgasm no matter how much her *brain* REALLY, *REALLY* wants to have an *ORGASM!!!*

The thing is if that guy didn't dismiss her and you know tell her she was wrong in what she was experiencing. Or likewise understood that a woman suddenly getting wetter during sex, and or squirting, doing Kegels, making noises, tilting to and fro around the penis, doing handstands and backflips etc. Or having that thick white stuff or cloudy stuff with white flecks come out, doesn't mean a woman has orgasmed, he might have been a better sexual partner.



inmyprime said:


> Anticipation is also a powerful aphrodisiac. Let him tell you what he wants to do to you in all the detail beforehand. Start the foreplay in the morning and build it up throughout the day.


Sure some titillation and flirting can be a great way to get the motor running. Yet again absent the application of effective stimulation of the clitoris (from within or without the vagina), orgasm is unlikely to ensue.



inmyprime said:


> Technique is important but it doesn't work on its own.


Wiith "technique" in this instance being the effective application of sufficient physical stimulation, in order to generate an orgasm. It is fair to say that the application of techniques that are effective, are essential to achieving an orgasm. And that although other things can contribute to achieving that orgasm, effective techniques can actually work on their own. That's why it is not unheard of for both men and women, to have orgasms even on the occasions when they think the sex sux, is mediocre or if they are being raped.

One can have all the arousal or desire in the world, through their "biggest sex organ". Yet absent the right physical stimulation of their actual sexual organs, most people aren't going to get there.


----------



## Lifeiscomplicated

Personal said:


> I Hope it helps, anyway the finger thing is for him to feel it and then he responds accordingly.
> 
> I can often get my wife to orgasm without using the fingers in the backside for feedback. Versus when I use the fingers and feel the sensations, I almost always get my wife to orgasm.
> 
> 
> 
> I find it works more reliably with missionary or variations of the same for reaching orgasm through PIV alone, and I can also less reliably get my partner to have an orgasm when they're on top as well. Whereas I can't recall ever been able to get any woman to have an orgasm without additional stimulation with PIV sex, when we've been spooning or doing it "doggy style".
> 
> As to the stroke, I'll have to get back to you on details, since in the moment it's not something I have specifically thought about. It's certainly not very fast as such (although I do vary it), going long in the stroke helps a lot though combined with having the right angle with a slow escalation along the way.
> 
> As to the woman grinding, my wife sometimes does kegels when we have sex which is nice, yet when she reaches that moment of change she isn't intentionally doing anything.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know if it will help you both, but I do hope it does.
> 
> All the best.
> 
> I don't know how relevant this is, but I'll add that my wife is 46, pre-menopause and has had two children through vaginal births as well.


Thanks again Personal. We didn't get a chance last night to put your good advice to use. Hopefully tonight!


----------



## Personal

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Thanks again Personal. We didn't get a chance last night to put your good advice to use. Hopefully tonight!


That's alright I didn't get to make sure my description matches more closely that which works for us.


----------



## Lifeiscomplicated

MJJEAN said:


> I tried multiple anti-depressants. I had some pretty gnarly side effects on one. Severe constant back and stomach pain. Felt like I was trying to digest glass and rocks with acid. My back hurt so much I couldn't sleep for a few days. It was miserable. A different med completely numbed me. I couldn't feel much physically or emotionally, but at least my thinking wasn't dulled. It was weird. I knew I should be feeling a certain emotion in any given situation, but I just couldn't feel it, ya know? The last two I tried had sexual side effects. One made me able to become highly aroused, but I couldn't orgasm. The other killed my libido.
> 
> *Ouch! My side effects haven't been that bad, however, one medication made me lactate and that was 3 years after I had finished breastfeeding.*
> 
> A different med completely numbed me. I couldn't feel much physically or emotionally, but at least my thinking wasn't dulled. *I like the sound of that one.*
> 
> Is medical marijuana legal in your state? It's fairly well known that pot increases libido and lowers inhibitions in many. It's also shown promise as an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. My state approved medical marijuana for depression a year or so ago. I got sick of playing Wheel of Side Effects, and gave medical pot a try. So far,a year and some change in, I have had no symptoms of anxiety and very little depression. Might be worth looking into just in case the meds are the culprit.
> 
> *Yes, it was legalised last year, however, I don't think the state I live in will prescribe it for depression. I can't remember if pot increased my libido but it did give me the munchies and I always had a great sleep. Was there a lot of rigmarole in getting it prescribed for yourself and I'm guessing you must smoke it???*
> 
> I've heard that using a vibe on an intense setting over a long period of time can reduce sensation and even cause deadening of the nerves. I've also heard that this is temporary, if it happens at all, and sensation should return. Do some research and decide what you believe. I, for one, think that using a vibe regularly is fine provided the speed and technique vary between sessions so that the numbness many women report doesn't occur and also so that the body and mind aren't conditioned to only orgasm from that specific vibe used that specific way.


*I don't have that problem of numbing or reduced sensation. Obviously, I not sensitive enough. I do agree that using a vibe constantly can make it very difficult to O naturally but sometimes it is a necessity.*


----------



## Lifeiscomplicated

inmyprime said:


> That's a good technique; it would be even better to engage the tongue once the clit is 'sucked in' at the same time, building up slowly. When she's close, I keep the clit sucked in and continue with just the tongue towards the end. Correct build up seemed more important for her though. The sucking helps with the blood flow.


Thanks for this advice.


----------



## Lifeiscomplicated

Personal said:


> To date my wife and I have been fortunate in not ever having to take antidepressants. That said if we find ourselves needing such help, we would certainly use them. The good news is medical marijuana is now legal in Australia and can be prescribed by doctors for a number of conditions, so that may be one solution as well.
> 
> *Unfortunately, I think where I live in Victoria medical marijuana will not be prescribed for depression and then again there are so many people who have depression/anxiety that it would be difficult to police.
> *
> My wife doesn't use vibrators since she finds the experience too much, to the point that it makes her feel numb on the occasions she's tried using them in the past. On the other hand some people get a lot out of them, so it comes down to what works for you.


*It may come down to how sensitive one is. I know some women who say they are very sensitive and have no problems reaching O and then others like myself probably aren't nearly as sensitive and need a power tool to get going.*


----------



## Lifeiscomplicated

Personal said:


> That's alright I didn't get to make sure my description matches more closely that which works for us.


LOL


----------



## Lifeiscomplicated

inmyprime said:


> Thinking about it...All the technical tips might be useful but only up to a point. First of all, every woman is different and responds differently to different stimuli. Secondly, the biggest sex organ is the brain. Especially on a woman. (On a man too but it's usually the other way around: his brain is *in* his penis).
> 
> The issue is most probably psychological (since you worked out that you _can_ come from masturbation). The key is for you to train yourself to 'let go' and for your husband, to work out what makes that organ (brain) tick. Trying different techniques is a given. Eventually with practice, you can 'train' your brain to 'go to that place' quicker, in order to orgasm, the more you do it.
> 
> *I am inclined to agree with you. Not too sure what my issue is but I do find it difficult to 'live in the moment' and not comfortable at feeling somewhat vulnerable and out of control. Maybe it is a personality trait. I do know that I have a problem with Fear and that is related to the above.*
> 
> 
> It also helps to understand first whether it's easier to achieve O from g spot/PIV or clit stimulation and work from there accordingly. Some women don't like both areas stimulated simultaneously. Others won't come unless each hole is filled up to the full.
> *Your husband needs to take time and try to take you to that place psychologically and your job is to let him (and not get annoyed or at least not show that you are annoyed..).*
> *Anticipation is also a powerful aphrodisiac. Let him tell you what he wants to do to you in all the detail beforehand. Start the foreplay in the morning and build it up throughout the day.*
> Technique is important but it doesn't work on its own.


Often easier said than done. Good idea! we haven't done this for a while and it does help.

Thanks inmyprime for your helpful advice.


----------



## Lifeiscomplicated

Personal said:


> Ultimately when it comes to having an orgasm, technique is largely the point. Although I concur that all women are variously different just as all men are. It is also worth remembering, that we're all very similar as well. In that for the most part all of us have sexual organs (and I'm not referring to the brain), that can when rubbed in a certain way for a sufficient amount of time see us having an orgasm.
> 
> 
> 
> Actually considering the fact that @Lifeiscomplicated can orgasm through masturbation. It is highly likely that she is perfectly able to to have a partner bring her to orgasm while having sex. So it probably isn't a psychological issue at all.
> 
> On the other hand over stimulation with a vibrator, combined with the libido killing effect of some antidepressants may play a big role in this.
> 
> 
> 
> I concur with this in that it helps not to be anxious about such things, and to likewise relax in the moment. That said knowing how someone supposedly ticks, is no substitute for the application of sufficient and effective stimulation of the clitoris when wanting to actually have an orgasm.
> 
> 
> 
> Again sure it does help to be in the right frame of mind, yet that big splendid sex organ called the clitoris, is where the real action is.
> 
> 
> 
> Penis/phallus in the vagina sex can stimulate the legs of the clitoris, just as fiddling with the bit at the end can as well. Rub the penis in the right way and you're likely to get an orgasm, rub the clitoris in the right way and you're also likely to get an orgasm. Don't rub either of them the right way and chances are you're not likely to get an orgasm.
> 
> 
> 
> Hmmm... Really? ... I think it is extraordinarily unlikely that any women *can't* achieve an orgasm, *unless* they have their vagina and anus coincidentally filled with phalli at the same time.
> 
> 
> 
> He can take her to the sky of diamonds with Lucy if he likes, yet that is still unlikely to get her there in the absence of effective physical stimulation.
> 
> That said your suggestion that her job is to not show annoyance, or more broadly through inference, to not express disappointment or share the negatives. Is a very corrosive approach in any sexual relationships where problems exist.
> 
> Great sex for all participants, isn't built upon having one or more participants, hiding their feelings and or pretending that they're enjoying something when they're not.
> 
> For example my wife's first sexual partner was a sexually experienced, divorced older man who had no trouble attracting women, yet no matter how much he tried, he could never get her to have an orgasm.
> 
> At first she told him that she wasn't getting, there so in response he would try different things and again she would tell him it wasn't happening.
> 
> So following that he went to a popular go to for some men who can't get a women to orgasm. By telling her "you're the only woman who I've been with that can't orgasm, maybe it's you, maybe it's in your head" or words to that effect. That being the case it was time to introduce self doubt and inviting that chap called Resentment to the party.
> 
> Out of hoping for the best and trying to get him to understand that he wasn't stimulating her right, she told him again it still isn't happening. Which led to him to try a new tack, which saw him claiming she was actually having orgasms, because she got so wet, or thick white stuff came out, or that cloudy stuff with white flecks was there. Yet despite his assertions, there were still no orgasms! So being inexperienced and not knowing any better and not wanting to harm his fragile ego, she then decided, to do her job, suck it up and fake her orgasms.
> 
> So to him the sex got better because she was having (fake) "orgasms", cause you know she was like wet and she wanted it and all that, Yet really she was disappointed, somewhat frustrated and though she enjoyed sex as such, she wasn't getting any orgasms out of it, so he got dumped soon afterwards.
> 
> Unsurprisingly though as it turns out, my wife like probably almost all women, was/is perfectly capable of easily having frequent orgasms through digital, oral and penis/phallus in vagina stimulation. All that is required is a sufficient amount of effective physical stimulation, absent that stimulation she's not going to have an orgasm no matter how much her *brain* REALLY, *REALLY* wants to have an *ORGASM!!!*
> 
> The thing is if that guy didn't dismiss her and you know tell her she was wrong in what she was experiencing. Or likewise understood that a woman suddenly getting wetter during sex, and or squirting, doing Kegels, making noises, tilting to and fro around the penis, doing handstands and backflips etc. Or having that thick white stuff or cloudy stuff with white flecks come out, doesn't mean a woman has orgasmed, he might have been a better sexual partner.
> 
> 
> 
> Sure some titillation and flirting can be a great way to get the motor running. Yet again absent the application of effective stimulation of the clitoris (from within or without the vagina), orgasm is unlikely to ensue.
> 
> 
> 
> Wiith "technique" in this instance being the effective application of sufficient physical stimulation, in order to generate an orgasm. It is fair to say that the application of techniques that are effective, are essential to achieving an orgasm. And that although other things can contribute to achieving that orgasm, effective techniques can actually work on their own. That's why it is not unheard of for both men and women, to have orgasms even on the occasions when they think the sex sux, is mediocre or if they are being raped.
> 
> One can have all the arousal or desire in the world, through their "biggest sex organ". Yet absent the right physical stimulation of their actual sexual organs, most people aren't going to get there.


An interesting read Personal. Always great to learn another persons perspective on this topic. I have often thought that even though I met my husband at 28 and was in two LTR and serveral other relationships not so LT but months or even less before that and these men would have been around my age or slightly order and therefore wouldn't have had a huge amount of experience in regards to many years being with the one woman and growing with that person sexually as you do in a marriage and therefore these men were probably not that accomplished in the bedroom and more than likely into their own enjoyment rather than it being a joint experience and getting really intimate with their partners body IUKWIM. Just saying!

My husband has tried and still does try with my persistence but IDK it is just not working nor is it satisfying, however, I doubt that he has really bothered to research different techniques if he has it would only be a handful of times of the years. It would be nice if he would just concentrate on me purely and not expect anything in return and that is why is I feel that sex is for him only. I guess because it doesn't affect him personally and I still mostly enjoy sex and it is mutually initiated and being HD certainly helps, however, I'm sure it would have been a 100 times better especially when I was LD after the kids were born if I was able to O easily. It would have prevented us having lots of arguments, fights and resentments on my behalf anyway. I have often asked him how he would feel if I O'd every time and he couldn't how he would feel and he doesn't answer me. Maybe he is just use to it being this way after 23 years but as far as I'm concerned there is no intimate connection (no kissing due to him smoking) and hasn't been for years due to these reasons otherwise we are compatible and get along well most times. It feels that it is another thing that is unobtainable in my life.

Sorry for the rambling.


----------



## Personal

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> An interesting read Personal. Always great to learn another persons perspective on this topic. I have often thought that even though I met my husband at 28 and was in two LTR and serveral other relationships not so LT but months or even less before that and these men would have been around my age or slightly order and therefore wouldn't have had a huge amount of experience in regards to many years being with the one woman and growing with that person sexually as you do in a marriage and therefore these men were probably not that accomplished in the bedroom and more than likely into their own enjoyment rather than it being a joint experience and getting really intimate with their partners body IUKWIM. Just saying!


Yep I know what you mean, I just got lucky when I was 17 in that my first sexual partner and I, through trial and error tried so much, including many things that I/we didn't know were things that people did. So getting off mutually and knowing the difference between not getting there versus getting there, was the norm rather than the exception. As a consequence I have taken that experience into all of my subsequent relationships and developed it more. I know I'm not the only one and I'm sure that most people can still mutually learn each other, no matter their age and or regardless of how long they've known each other.



Lifeiscomplicated said:


> My husband has tried and still does try with my persistence but IDK it is just not working nor is it satisfying, however, I doubt that he has really bothered to research different techniques if he has it would only be a handful of times of the years. It would be nice if he would just concentrate on me purely and not expect anything in return and that is why is I feel that sex is for him only. I guess because it doesn't affect him personally and I still mostly enjoy sex and it is mutually initiated and being HD certainly helps, however, I'm sure it would have been a 100 times better especially when I was LD after the kids were born if I was able to O easily. It would have prevented us having lots of arguments, fights and resentments on my behalf anyway. I have often asked him how he would feel if I O'd every time and he couldn't how he would feel and he doesn't answer me. Maybe he is just use to it being this way after 23 years but as far as I'm concerned there is no intimate connection (no kissing due to him smoking) and hasn't been for years due to these reasons otherwise we are compatible and get along well most times. It feels that it is another thing that is unobtainable in my life.
> 
> Sorry for the rambling.


I've no doubt he has tried, no one's the good or bad guy here, most of us (perhaps all) tend to do what we think best we can or do what we think is okay.

If you can both let the past go, I mean none of us are perfect and you want to keep going. It can't hurt to try connecting again in a different way.

Although it's not the same thing at one point early in my current marriage, I was sometimes away a lot for weeks through even some months at a time because of my Army service. To the point that at one point I came home at the end of a few months away, to a feeling of disconnection with my wife. So we started touching each other again, simple things like holding hands, while looking at each other. Or touching each others face and the like, then kissing first a little bit and then over time doing a lot of kissing. It wasn't about sex as such, though it mattered to it as well, it was more about being comfortable with one another and being close.

Now I'm rambling...

Anyway, sure smoking does suck when it comes to kissing (I'm a non smoker), yet if your husband can help make it less unpleasant. I'm sure you could both benefit from kissing each other, on the lips and with your mouths while sometimes touching each other. Whether you're having sex or not. Who knows maybe kissing might encourage him to let smoking go.

You're the one posting about it and trying to find a way, so I figure you're the one who'll have to drive this if you want it to get better.


----------



## uhtred

z believe that happened with my wife (during our rare active periods). She tends to be goal oriented in sex, and a hitachi works very quickly for her - but she gradually lose the ability to O any other way. 



MJJEAN said:


> I've heard that using a vibe on an intense setting over a long period of time can reduce sensation and even cause deadening of the nerves. I've also heard that this is temporary, if it happens at all, and sensation should return. Do some research and decide what you believe. I, for one, think that using a vibe regularly is fine provided the speed and technique vary between sessions so that the numbness many women report doesn't occur and also so that the body and mind aren't conditioned to only orgasm from that specific vibe used that specific way.


----------



## Lifeiscomplicated

Personal said:


> Yep I know what you mean, I just got lucky when I was 17 in that my first sexual partner and I, through trial and error tried so much, including many things that I/we didn't know were things that people did. So getting off mutually and knowing the difference between not getting there versus getting there, was the norm rather than the exception. As a consequence I have taken that experience into all of my subsequent relationships and developed it more. I know I'm not the only one and I'm sure that most people can still mutually learn each other, no matter their age and or regardless of how long they've known each other.
> 
> *When I too had my first sexual experience at 17 with my virgin boyfriend 20 I bought a book called 'The Joy of Sex' which was very helpful when experimenting with sex over the 4 years we were together. Unfortunately, the next boyfriend that I lived with for several years didn't think he needed to look at it once.*
> 
> I've no doubt he has tried, no one's the good or bad guy here, most of us (perhaps all) tend to do what we think best we can or do what we think is okay.
> 
> If you can both let the past go, I mean none of us are perfect and you want to keep going. It can't hurt to try connecting again in a different way.
> 
> Although it's not the same thing at one point early in my current marriage, I was sometimes away a lot for weeks through even some months at a time because of my Army service. To the point that at one point I came home at the end of a few months away, to a feeling of disconnection with my wife. So we started touching each other again, simple things like holding hands, while looking at each other. Or touching each others face and the like, then kissing first a little bit and then over time doing a lot of kissing. It wasn't about sex as such, though it mattered to it as well, it was more about being comfortable with one another and being close.
> 
> Now I'm rambling...
> 
> Anyway, sure smoking does suck when it comes to kissing (I'm a non smoker), yet if your husband can help make it less unpleasant. I'm sure you could both benefit from kissing each other, on the lips and with your mouths while sometimes touching each other. Whether you're having sex or not. Who knows maybe kissing might encourage him to let smoking go.
> 
> You're the one posting about it and trying to find a way, so I figure you're the one who'll have to drive this if you want it to get better.


Thanks once again for your advice and I will take it on board. With regards to the smoking I do know how hard it is to give up. I must have tried about 20 times before I finally quit 18 years ago when wanting to become pregnant so I will never force someone into giving up unless it is something they really want to do. But he is 55 yrs enough is enough especially health wise. The annoying part is that we went to QLD over the holidays and he didn't smoke for 11 days then came home and started smoking again. issed:


----------



## arbitrator

*Regarding female orgasms, all that I really know is that if I truly love and have feelings for the lady, I just want to be there for the orgasms!

After all, they're absolutely the best show in town ~ more especially if I'm the one who's primarily responsible for getting those orgasms out of them!*


----------



## CantePe

Ever hear of "the 9s"?

Three deep slow, three shallow fast, three deep slow (thrusting).

Mind you, I'm highly PIV orgasmic for the most part.

The 9s with the right angle and clitoral stimulation is another technique as well as edging can be quite satisfying.

Edging techniques are tricky at times and comes later when the other techniques are figured out.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


----------



## release2016

Just a thought - When my bladder is full/nearly full, I normally find it easier to get aroused and O. So I might choose not to p right before sex. That said, for those prone to UTIs, not emptying before sex might not be advisable I guess ?

Anyways, for me, drinking throughout the day is preferable to trying to fill my bladder close to bed/sex time.


----------



## MJJEAN

uhtred said:


> z believe that happened with my wife (during our rare active periods). She tends to be goal oriented in sex, and a hitachi works very quickly for her - but she gradually lose the ability to O any other way.


When DH was working over the road and regional he was only home for a day or two every 9-21 days. I, for the first time in my life, went and bought a quality vibe. Sure enough, DH gets home and I find it more effort to orgasm during partner sex. I did some research, read some Dan Savage (sex advice columnist who advocates men and women change up their masturbation routines in order to avoid nerve damage or conditioning themselves to only cum one way) and stopped using the vibe as often. I used my hands and dildo's sometimes and used the vibe sometimes. I also varied the speed when I did use it. Solved the problem. Once DH found a local job, the vibe spent most of it's time collecting dust in the night table drawer. :laugh:

Your wife has a Hitachi? The original actual Hitachi? Those things can sell for hundreds, not kidding. Apparently, the newer models aren't nearly as awesome as the original. There are women who would commit murder for an original Hitachi.


----------



## Fozzy

MJJEAN said:


> When DH was working over the road and regional he was only home for a day or two every 9-21 days. I, for the first time in my life, went and bought a quality vibe. Sure enough, DH gets home and I find it more effort to orgasm during partner sex. I did some research, read some Dan Savage (sex advice columnist who advocates men and women change up their masturbation routines in order to avoid nerve damage or conditioning themselves to only cum one way) and stopped using the vibe as often. I used my hands and dildo's sometimes and used the vibe sometimes. I also varied the speed when I did use it. Solved the problem. Once DH found a local job, the vibe spent most of it's time collecting dust in the night table drawer. :laugh:
> 
> Your wife has a Hitachi? The original actual Hitachi? Those things can sell for hundreds, not kidding. Apparently, the newer models aren't nearly as awesome as the original. There are women who would commit murder for an original Hitachi.


The Hitachi magic wand (HV250R) was discontinued, but Hitachi still manufactures the newer ones (HV260). They're distributed by Vibratex, but Hitachi still makes them. I think Hitachi did it to protect their other brand products from association.

On a side note, we have the newer model. 2 of my wife's 3 lifetime orgasms has been from the Hitachi, although it still has a significant failure rate in that category. Not a sure-fire by any means.


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## uhtred

I thought it was an original. The one that plugs in with a low - off - high mechanical switch? They still seem to be available on amazon. If they are disapperaing, we better get a spare. 

What is the difference between the 250R and 260? We've owned one for a long time, recently got another and it seemed very similar in effect. I never compared side by side - is there a difference?

In any case the one we got recently seems quite effective.....






MJJEAN said:


> When DH was working over the road and regional he was only home for a day or two every 9-21 days. I, for the first time in my life, went and bought a quality vibe. Sure enough, DH gets home and I find it more effort to orgasm during partner sex. I did some research, read some Dan Savage (sex advice columnist who advocates men and women change up their masturbation routines in order to avoid nerve damage or conditioning themselves to only cum one way) and stopped using the vibe as often. I used my hands and dildo's sometimes and used the vibe sometimes. I also varied the speed when I did use it. Solved the problem. Once DH found a local job, the vibe spent most of it's time collecting dust in the night table drawer. :laugh:
> 
> Your wife has a Hitachi? The original actual Hitachi? Those things can sell for hundreds, not kidding. Apparently, the newer models aren't nearly as awesome as the original. There are women who would commit murder for an original Hitachi.


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## Fozzy

uhtred said:


> I thought it was an original. The one that plugs in with a low - off - high mechanical switch? They still seem to be available on amazon. If they are disapperaing, we better get a spare.
> 
> What is the difference between the 250R and 260? We've owned one for a long time, recently got another and it seemed very similar in effect. I never compared side by side - is there a difference?
> 
> In any case the one we got recently seems quite effective.....


The 260 comes with a quieter motor and an egg beater attachment.


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## MJJEAN

Fozzy said:


> The Hitachi magic wand (HV250R) was discontinued, but Hitachi still manufactures the newer ones (HV260). They're distributed by Vibratex, but Hitachi still makes them. I think Hitachi did it to protect their other brand products from association.
> 
> On a side note, we have the newer model. 2 of my wife's 3 lifetime orgasms has been from the Hitachi, although it still has a significant failure rate in that category. Not a sure-fire by any means.





uhtred said:


> I thought it was an original. The one that plugs in with a low - off - high mechanical switch? They still seem to be available on amazon. If they are disapperaing, we better get a spare.
> 
> What is the difference between the 250R and 260? We've owned one for a long time, recently got another and it seemed very similar in effect. I never compared side by side - is there a difference?
> 
> In any case the one we got recently seems quite effective.....


 I have heard that USED :surprise: original Hitachi's can go for as much as $400 online. Allegedly, the original model is better and more durable, but I've never used one and can only go by what I have heard through rl friends and online chats.

The way some women talk about the original, you'd think it was a gift from God they will be buried with. 



Fozzy said:


> The 260 comes with a quieter motor and an egg beater attachment.


:rofl:


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## katiecrna

1. Me on top and oral sex always brings me to O. Other positions never do. 
2. Depends. Usually I O quickly if I'm really into it, so I change positions so I can go longer before I O. Once I O I am tired out, and it is too sensitive it doesn't feel good to continue. 
3. I have never been able to have multi orgasms. Once I have one, it's too sensitive to continue. 
4. Never have to. 
5. If I don't have an O during PIV, my husband will finish me off orally. So I always have an orgasm.


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## uhtred

I'm pretty sure we used to have an original and now have the newer one. No noticeable difference in effectiveness. Obviously YMMV. 




MJJEAN said:


> I have heard that USED :surprise: original Hitachi's can go for as much as $400 online. Allegedly, the original model is better and more durable, but I've never used one and can only go by what I have heard through rl friends and online chats.
> 
> The way some women talk about the original, you'd think it was a gift from God they will be buried with.
> 
> 
> 
> :rofl:


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## Anon Pink

OP, I apologize if you've already answered this but where is your mind during sex with your husband? What thoughts are you having? Are they organized thoughts or are they a flow of images that are relatively meaningless as you focus on the sensations your body feels? There is no right or wrong answer here BTW.

Now anyswer those same questions during the times your masturbate? Are they different? If so what's different? Be as specific as you're comfortable being.

I noticed you seem to orgasm best on your stomach which means you like pressure more than friction. Have you ever masurbated while grinding on your husband? Leg, knee, his package while he is still dressed, his hand laying passively on his leg? If you haven't done this, would you be comfortable doing it? 

The stomach grinding is a protective pose but it's also a natural flow from childhood when girls realize laying on something and moving their bodies feels good.


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## GPC2012

I've asked and begged my wife to touch herself and masturbate herself for me as part of foreplay, you'd think I asked her to strip in the middle of a church service or something. We've talked and we both know that growing up we masturbated it's kind of a rite of passage or something. She finally calmed down enough to explain that she would just die of embarrassment doing that in front of me. I tried to explain that her directing my movements and telling me how she want's me to move here or there during oral isn't any real difference. Any clue how I might talk her into it


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## Anon Pink

GPC2012 said:


> I've asked and begged my wife to touch herself and masturbate herself for me as part of foreplay, you'd think I asked her to strip in the middle of a church service or something. We've talked and we both know that growing up we masturbated it's kind of a rite of passage or something. She finally calmed down enough to explain that she would just die of embarrassment doing that in front of me. I tried to explain that her directing my movements and telling me how she want's me to move here or there during oral isn't any real difference. Any clue how I might talk her into it


You won't talk her into it because inhibitions don't just go away. They have to be slowly and methodically overcome. 

Next time you're in foreplay and you're touching her lady parts, take her hand and slowly bring it down there with your hand. Or, ask her to take hold of your wrist while you touch her. Once SHE is comfortable with her hand being on top of your hand, place her hand down first and then you manipulate her hand to miminck the same motions your hand was doing. She may find this isn't so bad once you put her hand there but putting her own hand there might take a while. She may tolerate her hand being there for a short time only and then feel a loss of arousal because she is too inhibited still. With your encouragement, by saying sexy things while you are manipulating her hand, she will probably overcome her inhibition well enough. 

But asking her to jump right in and give you a show isn't going to happen unless/until she slowly works her way up to it.


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## GeorgieLily

uhtred said:


> I'm pretty sure we used to have an original and now have the newer one. No noticeable difference in effectiveness. Obviously YMMV.





MJJEAN said:


> I have heard that USED :surprise: original Hitachi's can go for as much as $400 online. Allegedly, the original model is better and more durable, but I've never used one and can only go by what I have heard through rl friends and online chats.
> 
> The way some women talk about the original, you'd think it was a gift from God they will be buried with.
> 
> 
> 
> :rofl:


First Post on this forum , this thread is reflective of our issue Me (56), Wife (54) in a LTR of 30+ years . We never had a PIV orgasm and only achieved O by Vibrators. We acquired a Hitachi Magic Wand replica about 10+ years back.Our experience has been the wand results have changed from almost instant every time to about a one in ten success rate with the wand now being used to the point it's head gets uncomfortably hot and we abandon it. PS Lots of lube is used! Our best results are using the wand with PIV. So we are interested in where the thread goes.

By the way, having bought a few non genuine wands over the years we have observed the best ones have a metal head vice plastic. We do not buy on line anymore , In the last sex shop I tried out replacement candidates, the shop person gave me a good tip 'run the wand against the tip of your nose to judge efficacy'. I am of the frame of mind I would pay a premium for a genuine Hitachi and despair the market being flooded with cheap less effective wands.

We have just bought a Sybian, it is enroute with UPS now. will post results.


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