# Have I driven my wife away for good



## dull (Oct 27, 2011)

Hello new here and could really use some help.

My wife is 12 yrs younger than me I am in my early 40s...

Been married for 2yrs first and only marriage.

I have been depressed for a few months, money troubles, my wife has been down and distant after we failed ivf twice at the begining of the year.

My father passed away recently and I feel that things have been gettin on top of me.

I told my wife two weeks ago that I don't love her any more, I could see her heart brake and feel terrible now.

Thing is I am not feeling much of anything at the moment, and now she has been to look at a new place to live, she seems to be dealing with this quite well.

She has had most of her things packed ready to go and I amworried for her, is she really okay? 
She has not been eating very much since I said this,

I am not sure how I feel about her/us anymore, but when I think about it we were great for each other for the most part.

Please any advice I feel so guilty.


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## dull (Oct 27, 2011)

Please any advice, I can see some people have read this post, has an one got any thoughts at all ?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well what do u want? U told her u don't love her anymore. You can't have it both ways and play with peoples' feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dull (Oct 27, 2011)

I know, I do feel so bad for what I said.
It came out likeit wasn't eve me, My feelings are very mixed at the moment, When I met her I fell for her so hard and it doen't feel like that anymore.

After we di the ivf she was so cold with me but ha said she was sorry.
Mydepresson did get between us an we did our best at th time, an now she seems to be fine with leaving.

I do love her but I am not in love, I still feel very low.
I want her to be happy and am worried that I am not the best fo her.

She is leaving me in two weeks when we get my dad'sinheritance, I am running out of time and dn't know what to do.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think that if you know that your problems are affecting your relationship, you're only making those problems worse by sending the person who loves you most away.

Tell her you don't want her to go, that you want to get help for yourself and get your head back on straight before you do anything about your relationship with her and then let her be there for you like she wants so badly to do. And it really doesn't sound like you truly want her to go--on the one hand you're acting affectionate and married, while on the other you're telling her to leave.

If she's willing to walk away to make you happy, don't you think she'd do twice as much to help you make sense of everything going on and get back to yourself so that you can make a decision about this that isn't clouded by grief and depression?

After you stop her from leaving, go to the doctor. Get some help for the depression and therapy for your grief and THEN figure out what you want from your life and relationships.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

U are running out of time for what? Do want to be married to her or not? Because that's what this comes down to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dull (Oct 27, 2011)

I don't want to divorce her, and I want her in my life, I just don't feel love at the moment.

I know she loves me, and she did say that she was only going to make me happy, I can't ask her to stay I feel like such an idiot for the way I hae behaved.

She said that it was okay and that she can have time now to do the things she liked - going to the salon buying nice clothes basically the thing she never did since she met me because she spent her money on me and my kids, I feel so guilty but it is true she neglected herself.

I did once feel that she was made for me and was more in love with her than I thought possible, but now I just don't know.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

If the two of you never say these things out loud to each other--you'll end up divorced.

If you love her, tell her.

If you're confused, tell her.

If you really want to be alone, tell her.

She can't read your mind.

You can't read hers.

You just have to use your words and let her use hers and do your best to straighten things out from there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So have u lost your attraction to her? Ur sending mixed messages and I don't understand u say u don't want a divorce but u don't love her. Which is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dull (Oct 27, 2011)

No the attraction is still there, she has neglected herslef a bit but I still think she is sunning to look at.

I dont know how I feel at the moment, I like her an she is my best friend but I dont feel able to love at the moment.
And am wondeng if she can do better on her own as I am loosing my job on top of everything else.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Have you taken any counseling? On how to handle money, on the cause of your depression, on stress? Maybe seek an experienced and competent lifecoach?

Let your wife know you are working on yourself because you know you have issues and that you do not want to breakup the marriage.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

But do you feel able to love at all right now? I suspect that it's not just your wife that you're feeling so ambivalent about. With the losses you're suffering, I suspect that the depression and grief has deadened most of your feelings. Is there _anything_ that you love right now? That excites you? Gets you out of bed in the morning?

I think you'd get a lot further if you stopped thinking for her and actually talked to her about what you're feeling. If you don't want her to go, tell her--I'm pretty darn sure she doesn't want to go.


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## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

LOL - Sorry are you my husband?

This is what he did to me and he is the same as you depression, father just passed away told me he did not love me.

Just to let you know my husband has made me feel like crap, I love him so much and have done my best always for him and his kids (and we failed IVF twice)

If this is you dear fix it NOW because I can't let you destroy us both.

If you are a random looking for hep fix it NOW she deserves to know what is going on with her husband ad probably feels like ****.

If she is like me she does want to save the marriage, but is letting go because of what you are saying or doing. :scratchhead:


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Your symptoms sound like a mid-life crisis. That can make everything in your life not interesting, including your relationships.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Hey dull---

If you don't know this trick...you can click on a user's name and then click again on "find more posts by <user name>. 

Just in case you wanted to read any more of what people in this thread might have posted about similar situations :smthumbup:


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## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

I think you are my hubby, please if you are let go of the pride and talk to me, I am here always.

dull ? not like you


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## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

If it's not you sorry and I'm


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

dull said:


> Please any advice, I can see some people have read this post, has an one got any thoughts at all ?


Yeah, I think you`re obviously depressed and made an asinine statement that you will regret more than any other action in your life once you come out of this depression.

If I were you I`d beg forgiveness, vow my undying everlasting love, and plead stupidity at my wife`s feet, begging her forgiveness before she starts to realize how much better life would be without this depressed abusive asshat sniveling at her feet and takes you up on your stupid offer and leaves to find the godlike man that deserves her and never looks back.

But hey...that`s just what I`d do.

You can roll however you want.


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## At wits end (Aug 10, 2011)

What are the chances, really? As soon as I read the post it made bells go of in my head!:smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tacoma is right. If u don't want to lose her u need to taalk to her and let her know what's going on. She is prob very hurt by u saying u don't love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Are you a girl? You don't "feel" the love? Man up dude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Tacoma is right. If u don't want to lose her u need to taalk to her and let her know what's going on. She is prob very hurt by u saying u don't love her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That`s an understatement JB.

I am a tough guy.

I`m the leader, boss, and absolute dogmatic ruler over 15 of the meanest nastiest "Men" you`d never want to run into in a dark alley.
I`ve had my ass kicked by 4-5 very large men at once two of them were swinging billy clubs.
I got up and walked home went to work the next day.
I`ve cut off appendages(Small ones).
Tied off the blood flow and worked out my 10 hour shift.
I`ve suffered burns so bad the skin peeled off my arms in layers.
I wrapped it and finished another shift working over 800-1200 degree heat.
I laid down a motorcycle doing 40 miles an hour looked back and saw my flesh and skin and blood sticking to the pavement for 15 yards back.
Wrapped my torso in an ace bandage and fixed the damage to the bike.

I`ve been stabbed, beaten, kicked, and thrown from a moving vehicle.
None of this had much affect on me beyond really pissing me off.

If my 90lb petite as a teenager wife walked in this room tonight and told me she no longer loved me I`d be destroyed, unable to move, I`d be a begging pleading crying quivering pool of slobbering gelatin incapable of walking properly.

The OP needs to fix this


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh this I know. One time my husband told me that very thing...and it broke me. Didn't even go to work the next day. Was a total mess. He said he didn't mean it....much later. But the thing was...I believed him when he said it. And post-divorce it makes me question if he ever cared. So yeah OP..fix it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Use your WORDS!!!


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## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

I am guessing you are not my husband... because my situation is much the same.

Just tell her that you acted a fool and that you will get some help for your self.....that's all it would take for me to stay with my husband and I am sure she feel's the same.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Who is the other woman?


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## dull (Oct 27, 2011)

There is no other woman, there has never been another woman.
I just don't know how I am feeling, my wife has said she is taking me out next week and I have said I will go.

Still conflicted with how I am feeling, she has just started a new job, good money and perks, I have just lost my job.

She looked so happy lastnight after she came home from work and I wonder if it was me making her unhappy? Because she looked the happiest I have seen her in months.

I am not sure what to do, I have told her that I don't love her, and she seems to be forgiving me.

I dont know if I love her or not and this is the first time I have ever thought this about my wife.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If u don't know if u loveher my bet is you don't. When u love someone...u don't even question that. Especiall about a spouse. Sigh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

While I would normally agree with you JB a serious depressive ePisode can hamper ones emotions about everything and everyone.
This might be the case here.

OP, are you taking any anti-depressant medication?
Do you feel acute positive emotions about anything at this Point in time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

Communicate!! It sounds as if you both are going thru some rough times (death of a parent, failed IVF) and you need to lean on each other, not break apart. Do you have an understanding of the emotional and hormonal shift the IVF process has an a woman? All the hormone injection, drugs, physical demans on the body and psychie? It's really rough so could definitely explain her mood...then to have it fail. Please communicate with her. It sounds like you love her, but marriage isn't all hearts & butterflies...you aren't always going to have that 'falling hard' feeling. If you expect that, you'll be chasing that for a long time.


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## dull (Oct 27, 2011)

Thank you all.

I am deoressed, not on medication as I stoped them shortly before my father died.

I know she has been through a lot too, and she has said sorry for the way she was.

I don't feel much of anything at the moment, just numbness..


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

dull said:


> Thank you all.
> 
> I am deoressed, not on medication as I stoped them shortly before my father died.
> 
> ...



Yup, sounds like depression. Let your wife know that you may be depressed.

Change your environment. Do some volunteer work or something to help others less fortunate -- this may give you a new perspective.


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## dull (Oct 27, 2011)

She know's that I have depression, She has asked me to go to the doctors or go back on medication.

I said I would in a couple of weeks, I have told her I don't love her .....is there any way of coming back from that?
She said she would move out of our house in a couple of weeks, and she has offered me a night out, which I have said yes to, but I think she is under the impression that a night out together will fix things between us.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

dull said:


> She know's that I have depression, She has asked me to go to the doctors or go back on medication.


The problem with psyche meds is that they can actually inhibit your ability to love or feel any emotion actually.

You need to take aug`s advice and do something, anything.

Force yourself to get out and be active even if it`s killing you at first, eventually after awhile you may begin to feel motivated and be able to get a better handle on life.

It sounds like you have a woman willing to stick with you through thick and thin dull.

Thats a rare thing man, not to be tossed away lightly.


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## dull (Oct 27, 2011)

I know, I have been stupid.

Last night I asked her if she would like me to take the deposit on her new place to the landlord, and she went crazy at me. she said that I am sick and need help and that I have broken her heart, then she said that she never thought it was possible for me to hurt her so much - because she trusted me more than anyone, which made me feel worse.

She has now been looking and ordering new stuff for her place.

I have asked her to be my friend for a while to see how I feel, she said she would try to do her best to be there for me but that she could not promise anything because I hurt her so much,but she did say that she will keep the door open for as long as she can because she want's our marriage - the way it used to be, she said that I was not her husband that I am someone she does not recognise.

I am a bit worried about this friend of her's as well, she has not seen him in 7 years but they talk and email and have never lost touch.

They used to be a couple 10 years ago and I know for a fact that he still holds a torch for her, because he always ask's if she is still married, and said that she was the one that got away.

This man is successful and earns about 6 times what I earned before I lost my job.

And I know she want's love - I just dont feel love for her at the moment, this other guy has loved her for 10 yrs I am very worried that she is going to go back to him, she has always said that she does not feel like that towards him but logically she would have to be stupid not to.

I have asked her to see how things go with us - we will keep in touch and go out - watch movies etc... I want to fall for her again and I know there is nothing she want's more.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dull, why are you so worried about this other man if you have no love for your wife?

Why do you care?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dull (Oct 27, 2011)

I worry that she is going to run in to a relationship with him just for the sake of being in a relationship. (I know she want's love ).

Like I said before I dont feel love for my wife but I do want to love her, and she is the moste beautiful woman so it's not like I am not attracted to her.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Love is a choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Love is a choice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Indeed.


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## dull (Oct 27, 2011)

what do you mean? love is a choice?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

dull said:


> what do you mean? love is a choice?


Long term love isn`t a chemical reaction in your body like a crush or new love is.

Loving someone for decades takes work dull a lot of work.

You have to fight for it at times.

Many times in the past 12 years of my marriage I simply wasn`t feeling it and had to re-assess myself and my relationship and realize I wanted it and wanted it bad so I worked at it.

It`s difficult and I happen to be going through one of those times right now.
However the more you`ve worked at it the easier it becomes (but it`s never easy) because you learn what`s truly important and you learn techniques to getting through it.


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## dull (Oct 27, 2011)

That's actually very similar to what my wife said.

She is quite intuative for her age, and maybe I have a lot to learn for my age.
She still thinks it all comes down to the depression but after saying the words to her I'd feel like to much of an ass to go back on it.

I do hope that things work out for us (and you guys), she is taking me out for dinner this week which should be nice, we have not been out for a very long time.

I told her I don't feel it for her and she is still trying, that must count for something I suppose.

I have had thought's that she would be better off with somone else because of the state I have gotten myself in, but deep down I know she want's to be with me.


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## ConfusedAndHopeless (Oct 28, 2011)

My husband said those same words to me (I'm not in love with you) and that he is numb to feelings. He is incredibly depressed as well but instead of working out his problems right now he has turned to someone 2500 miles away to comfort him.

Hearing those words from the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with hurts more than i thought was humanly possible. Like your wife, I am incredibly forgiving. However my biggest fear is that he will feel his mistakes are too big and he won't try to reconcile if he ever does get his feelings back. I dont know what to do. Im afraid if i tell him I am understanding and to get in contact with me when and if he gets out of the fog it will sound like I'm begging. That is the last thing I want right now.

A word of advice from someone who has heard those words and understands the aspects of depression: COMMUNICATE. Your wife is hurt beyond words right now, but hearing that you want things to work, makes a lot of difference. She might be cold and short tempered at the moment, but can you blame her? She is in her fight or flight mode and the minute you told her you weren't in love, she switched gears. The best thing you can do right now, is work on yourself and share with her the steps in your journey. When you discover what it is you really want, after you can find happiness with yourself, and that thing is to be with her, you have a lot of work to do. You will have to work twice as hard to prove your love but in the end, if it works, it will be well worth it.

I only wish my husband would work on himself and find his happiness instead of getting distracted by the newness of another person.


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