# Need Man's Opinion



## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I have posted in this group b/f so many know my story. Also appears under "Considering Divorce" & "Coping w Infidelity"

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Ok so I confronted my husband this weekend. I couldn't bare to keep my feelings all bottled up from him any longer. My apologies for the LONG thread...

I started w the drugs. Asked if he ever did X since we've been together (8 years). He said no NEVER. I told him I found it in the laundry and he knew exactly which outing it was from (a party in July) and said it was his friends and he was holding it for him and did not take any. BULL****!! 1) I know for certain that he did it in April in Vegas b/c my best friends brother was with tem and told us they did it. 2) he sounded like a teenage child - it wasn't mine, I was holding it from someone...

Then I asked him if he gambles. He said that I knew he always dabbled in it but it' small wagering. I told him that I have found numerous betting sheets and newspaper clippings with all kinds of writing (+/-, $ amounts, #'s) and he said it's nothing major - it's him and two friends (one I know the other I did not recognize the name) that place weekly best and split the earnings - that he only makes a $100 or so here and there. I told him that I had his shets checked and that he's a pretty heavy gambler. I told him he has a problem and should admit to it and he just yea yea'd me - "yea, I have a problem, uh huh"...

Next I brought up the girls, the EA's. I asked him if he met anyone on a particular night that he kept telling me only his friends GF was out with her sister yet I know his friends GF's friends were out too (about 8 girls). I told him I knew he got one of thier numbers and asked why and he told me it was innocent she saw he had a blackberry and so did she so she wanted his BBM. I again asked for what reason he said I talked to her once. I asked if they ever hung out - he said no. When I mentioned I found her on FB and and found out she lives in FL so that's probably why - he says "she comes up to NY from time to time"

Brought up the teenager that worked for him - he said no way did he ever touch her she's a little girl and a virgin... I saw the texts where she asked if they were still on for hanging out the day I left for a girls weekend trip. When I came back I saw a text from her 3 days after this planned event asking my husband for advice b/c she had cheated on her BF of 1 month and didnt know if she should tell him/break up... (see other threads for details)

Brought up another girl - he had no clue who I was talking about. I told him I knew she went to his shop. Still played clueless. He started to get a little defensive.

He told me if I have all this STUFF on him then why am I with him. Mind you he was tucked into bed listening to me rant - remained calm. Did not become agitated nor did he tell me to F' off like he usually does.

I told him I straight out don't trust him that I never got over what he did to me 3 years ago. I told him I started to see a tehrapist about 2 months ago. He kept saying he didn't do anything with her but I kept saying "sure, you hung out with her like 7 times, nothing went on"... continued to say he didn;t do anything. He admited to that situation and getting the girls BBM but denied everything else. I got in his face and said "of all the things I have confronted you with, I know for certain that you are lying to me about one thing (the X)" - he continued to deny it all. I said this 2 other times during our confrontation and told him to look me in the eye and rememeber that he's lying to me.

I asked him if he felt we had a weird relationship b/c we are awesome around family an friends but hardly say 2 words to each other when we are alone, out to dinner, in car, at home on couch. he agreed. Said it's borning. Also realizes we should be conversing more and we don't. He interacts w so many ppl day to day but never has anything to tell me, never asks me about my day.

I asked him if he thinks we should seperate he said I shouldn't go through life living on the edge. That I should be happy. I asked if he's rather he single he said he wasn't sure but he does miss his freedom and would be out every nigth if he wasn't married. When I heard that I felt like a light bulb went off, I told him I think I got the answer I needed b/c I would nto have expected an answer like that since he runs a business and has that resposibility. 

What's your take on this? I feel he was waiting for me to bring this up b/c he wants out but doesn't want to be the one to end it and would ratehr be teh victim (I told him this). 

Yesterday, he came home from work, I really didn't want to look at him. When our eyes did meet he made this stupid smirk he does whenever we have fought like he's laughing - like I wasn't seriosu about anything I said. I then asked him if he was ok and he said yea, I'm fine you? I started to tear a bit and I said not really he tells me I really don't want to get into this now we haev a party to go to. I stopped tearing and told him I believe what I do and we have problmes. I told him soem one his responses were liek talking to a teenager (as if I was his mother confronting him about soemthing). He said he understood why I felt that way. He then said he'd go to counsleing if I was really going - I told him it's for real, I have receipts (he thought I was kidding about therapy?!!). I asked him what he thinks we can achieve from going to therapy and he said he wasn't sure but that I should be happy. 

I realyl dont think it's worth working otu this relationship. I think we got married for the wrong reasons. I think we were both too young and want different things in life. I can't trust him and feel that he will only continue to lie to me and carry on the way he wants to. He had nerve to tell me I'm too easy with him yet I told him when we first met he made it clear he does what he wants and wants no one to ever control him. Anytime I'd object to something he did or wanted to do he'd blow up at me!


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Anonny123,

While reading this, all I could think about is "Why is she hanging in there?"
I haven't read your previous posts (or cannot recall them) but it seems that your husband is immature, wreckless, and is hanging onto the marriage for no good reason. Look, he does drugs, gambles and apparently is unfaithful. The vibe that I get from your post is that he really has no incentive to change. Even if he tried, at this point it would only be an act and he would go back to being "himself". 

When he said that "you deserve to be happy", he is saying that you need to be happy without him. What you are requiring of him to make you happy are things that he does not want to do. And, you cannot make a person do something that they do not want to do. If he has done what he's been doing and still manage to stay married to you (despite you having all of this evidence), why would he change? He likes doing what he is doing. The person that has an issue with the situation is you (rightfully so, I might add). Since you cannot change him, you must either accept him or find someone else who is what you want.

My feeling is that he is not taking this seriously because he does not care. He knows that he cannot be what you want because he would have to stop doing what he wants. Give it a try if you must but just be careful. Drug use and infidelity also puts you in harm's way, not just him. Good luck.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Orion - thanks for your response. I really need to hear things straight out and your reply is exactly what I was looking for.

We had a talk last night, he told me he takes full blame for this and respects my decision whatever it is. He wants to go to therapy to work out the issues he has - he said he wants to make the maririage work. I told him it would benefit him no matter the outcome b/c he needs it. He told me he needs therapy b/c he does not know why he talks to girls (thoughts?)

He still will not admit to everything - still denies doing anything. 

If you get a chance to skim through my previous threads and can offer some more insight, I'd appreciate it. Curiosu to get a man's view on all this.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Okay, I read your previous posts (I remember them as well). The lack of sex and text messages tell me that he's cheating. You said that he's always been a player. For some people, that's not anything that they can stop or want to stop. The gambling addiction is a sickness but he's got to want to get help.

If you were my sister, I would tell you to leave not now but RIGHT NOW! If I remember, you don't have any kids. Go and start living a happier life. I honestly feel like there is little, if anything, left to salvage. I think that you know this too. But you are living off of hope (completely understandable). Take that hope and bring it into another relationship. Take some time for yourself and realize that what you have is not a marriage. Marriage and love aren't supposed to feel like that or be like that. I can't see that he has anything to offer you but pain. It is up to you to realize that you are worthy of more than that.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks again Orion. My closest friends have been tellling me the same thing - that I deserve better and deserve to be happy. We do not have any children and do not own any property together so those obstacles don't exist and its probably a good thing. I have become more confident in myself and I think that is why I am at the point where I can see myself without him b/c I don't need anyone to support me financially and deserve love and respect from the start not from a wake up call. 3 years ago I confronted him he said he stopped yet he was ready to walk away when I threw the evidence at him. I was weak, cried for him to reconsider.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> Thanks again Orion. My closest friends have been tellling me the same thing - that I deserve better and deserve to be happy. We do not have any children and do not own any property together so those obstacles don't exist and its probably a good thing. I have become more confident in myself and I think that is why I am at the point where I can see myself without him b/c I don't need anyone to support me financially and deserve love and respect from the start not from a wake up call. 3 years ago I confronted him he said he stopped yet he was ready to walk away when I threw the evidence at him. I was weak, cried for him to reconsider.


In other words, you taught him how to treat you.

He learned his lesson.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Conrad please elaborate - I am curious about your statement. Be as frank as you have to.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> Conrad please elaborate - I am curious about your statement. Be as frank as you have to.


When you confronted him 3 years ago, he changed nothing and you took him back.

He learned what you think of yourself from that encounter.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

yes you're right he sensed my weakness and fed of it - had a feast actually.


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