# I feel I would be unfaithful if opportunity presented. just me?



## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

I have always been described by friends and lovers as "fiercely" loyal, and very trustworthy. I never would have ever even considered cheating on a boyfriend/husband in the past, and I admit I judged friends and co-workers who did. 

Advance several years to a non-fulfilling relationship. He trusts me 100%, too much I feel. He doesn't care where I go or what I do or who I do it with, it would be so easy. I _want_ to want HIM, but I constantly think about being with other men. My SO is just so borrrring in bed and in life, I am so unfulfilled in so many ways. We were so great at 1st, like most relationships I suspect, but I didn't sign up for this mundane life we lead.

Anyone feel like this? Is this normal?


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

The energy put into having an affair could be better placed into working on your marriage. Just sayer!

-MWD


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

camihuml said:


> I have always been described by friends and lovers as "fiercely" loyal, and very trustworthy. I never would have ever even considered cheating on a boyfriend/husband in the past, and I admit I judged friends and co-workers who did.
> 
> Advance several years to a non-fulfilling relationship. He trusts me 100%, too much I feel. He doesn't care where I go or what I do or who I do it with, it would be so easy. I _want_ to want HIM, but I constantly think about being with other men. My SO is just so borrrring in bed and in life, I am so unfulfilled in so many ways. We were so great at 1st, like most relationships I suspect, but I didn't sign up for this mundane life we lead.
> 
> Anyone feel like this? Is this normal?


Personally - not judging you, but I think its very telling of the state of your marraige. Is it normal? Yes...I think its normal for someone who feels frustrated and at the end of their rope..."checked out" if you will.

My marriage certainly isn't always rainbows and sunshine, but I can say with 110% certainty that I never think about another man (literally or daydreaming), and that I don't even notice other men in my daily life. Everyone other than my husband might as well be an emotionless, sexless robot. Honest.

However I was in a serious long term relationship for 5 years before meeting my husband and went through this exactly, where I started wondering what it would be like, and my frustration boiled over into mentally checking out of the relationship. I put myself in a bad place and began to have an EA with a male friend (didn't even know what an EA was at the time, I was naive), and it was bad bad bad. Eventually we both woke up and realized we weren't right for each other and let the relationship go. I am glad because I almost married him.

If I was feeling that way about my marriage I would do anything I could to get back the intimacy we once had and give it my all for one last shot. Have you considered MC? How many talks have you had with him about this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have four choices.
1) Cheat
2) Divorce
3) Work on your marriage
4) Do nothing

Which one will it be?????????


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

It's that emotional closeness I long for too, not just sexually (not that this really matters, I know). He is just not a friend/lover/companion at all to me like he used to be. Maybe I wouldn't actually go through with it , I don't know. Lucky for me/him, I act very platonic around guys, always have, so I'm not a flirt, so I don't have any specific temptations. I just worry about if I were to meet someone I really "click" with.

I have tried several times talking to him. I have flat out told him he is not the man I fell in love with, I don't even recognize him, etc. etc. He is so receptive and understanding then 24 hrs later, no scratch that not even 12 hrs later, it's the SSDD again. It's like we never even had the conversation.

I am not convinced about MC yet, if he won't talk to me or listen to me or is willing to work on things with me, could a MC change that?? He's a good man, just not willing to be a good spouse.

Thanks for the replies, I like straightforward honesty


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

camihuml said:


> I have flat out told him he is not the man I fell in love with, I don't even recognize him, etc. He is so receptive and understanding then 24 hrs later, no scratch that not even 12 hrs later, it's the SSDD again. It's like we never even had the conversation.


This is kinda harsh. I wonder if it's so painful to hear these words that he checks out while you're talking?

Have you considered other strategies besides pointing out his flaws?


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

camihuml said:


> It's that emotional closeness I long for too, not just sexually (not that this really matters, I know). He is just not a friend/lover/companion at all to me like he used to be. Maybe I wouldn't actually go through with it , I don't know. Lucky for me/him, I act very platonic around guys, always have, so I'm not a flirt, so I don't have any specific temptations. I just worry about if I were to meet someone I really "click" with.
> 
> I have tried several times talking to him. *I have flat out told him he is not the man I fell in love with, I don't even recognize him, etc. etc.* He is so receptive and understanding then 24 hrs later, no scratch that not even 12 hrs later, it's the SSDD again. It's like we never even had the conversation.
> 
> ...


Can you blame him for checking out when being talked to like that? How close would you want to be with him if he had told you the same?

-MWD


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

camihuml said:


> He trusts me 100%, too much I feel. He doesn't care where I go or what I do or who I do it with, it would be so easy.


Trust is a wonderful and rare thing that shouldn't be violated. 

Is the 30 mins of pleasure for you worth the lifetime of grief that he will experience? Do you hate him that much?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

MWD said:


> Can you blame him for checking out when being talked to like that? How close would you want to be with him if he had told you the same?
> 
> -MWD


Mavash and MWD,
Thanks for the replies. Actually, I am very good at communicating my feelings and say things to him very sweetly, I know it's hard to imagine those words sweetly, but I don't bring things up often, so when I do bring something up he knows he needs to listen because it has been bothering me for a long time for me to bring it up in the first place. I am a firm believer that couples can "talk," not fight, so I insist on adult conversation and not fighting. If you were to witness it you would see what I mean.

Also, why should I not be honest?? Why break it gently to him anyway if he knows he has been a complete slacker in this relationship? Life is how you make it so in my opinion, suck it up and take the feedback if you aren't willing to put your heart into it in the first place! He went on and on when we were dating about how great he would be to me forever and ever and, well I could go on for hours, but I can honestly say I didn't change--I take care of myself for him (tbh I look better than I ever have), put a lot of attention into caring for him, our child, our house...I have always been very good to him, nothing has changed there. HE has become the slacker, gained 50+ pounds, sits on the couch all night, you get the point.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

You know what/ I checked out emotionally. For two years, I wasn't getting my emotional needs met by my husband. I turned to someone I met online. I cheated on my husband, emotionally. However, when the opportunity presented itself to go physical with someone who I definitely was attracted to, I couldn't do it. I couldn't cross that line. That was when I knew I would do everything I could to get that connection back. Sometimes, I feel like hitting him upside the head with a 2X4, but I'm still committed to working things out with my husband. Most of the time, he doesn't "get it" when I tell him what's wrong. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other.... but it doesn't stop me from trying. The only thing that will stop me is if NOTHING works. Until then, on we go.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If things between you both have become complacent, try to work on your marriage. Let your H know that you want some more excitement and romance and that you would like it if you two dated more to bring fresh energy into your relationship. Pick a day where the two of you spend it apart and doing separate things (not dating other people, just different hobbies) and pick a date night once a week. Maybe you can do a project together or plan a trip or something that will help you guys be interested in each other as a partnership again. You need to make sure you're not too stagnant a pool or you will become bored and things will fester. Magic and romance don't just happen. When you first started dating, I'm sure you both put effort into the relationship. You have to do that now, too. It's worthwhile to try and make things better before becoming a morally corrupt cheater. Every relationship will lose its novelty and you have to find ways to feel fulfilled in your own life instead of looking to your relationship to fill some void or purposelessness in you or you'll just keep repeating this pattern in life. Either work on fixing your marriage or end it and go seek anonymous dating elsewhere. However, cheating on your spouse is just about the scummiest thing you can do so cut that out as an option right now and spare yourself and your husband a world of pain and misery.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

camihuml said:


> I have always been described by friends and lovers as "fiercely" loyal, and very trustworthy. I never would have ever even considered cheating on a boyfriend/husband in the past, and I admit I judged friends and co-workers who did.
> 
> Advance several years to a non-fulfilling relationship. He trusts me 100%, too much I feel. He doesn't care where I go or what I do or who I do it with, it would be so easy. I _want_ to want HIM, but I constantly think about being with other men. My SO is just so borrrring in bed and in life, I am so unfulfilled in so many ways. We were so great at 1st, like most relationships I suspect, but I didn't sign up for this mundane life we lead.
> 
> Anyone feel like this? Is this normal?


Why did you get married? peer pressure? It's seems you're not marriage material. Nothing wrong with that, except... you're married.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

camihuml said:


> I have always been described by friends and lovers as "fiercely" loyal, and very trustworthy. I never would have ever even considered cheating on a boyfriend/husband in the past, and I admit I judged friends and co-workers who did.
> 
> Advance several years to a non-fulfilling relationship. He trusts me 100%, too much I feel. He doesn't care where I go or what I do or who I do it with, it would be so easy. I _want_ to want HIM, but I constantly think about being with other men. My SO is just so borrrring in bed and in life, I am so unfulfilled in so many ways. We were so great at 1st, like most relationships I suspect, but I didn't sign up for this mundane life we lead.
> 
> Anyone feel like this? Is this normal?


i was in a 28 year marriage where the last 14 my exw cheated many times, i still had no desire to look outside the marriage.

my exf lived 9000 miles away in another country.
we saw each other for a few weeks about every 3 months and i never desired to be with anyone else while she was gone and as far as i still believe today, she never did either.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

That's not trust, that's just not caring. Someone should love you enough that they care where you are. I can understand why she feels unloved.

Your marriage needs some passion. You can work on you, and ask him to work on him and go to counseling???

We all change over time, but you guys sound completely unconnected and that's no way to live.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

camihuml said:


> Mavash and MWD,
> Thanks for the replies. Actually, I am very good at communicating my feelings and say things to him very sweetly, I know it's hard to imagine those words sweetly, but I don't bring things up often, so when I do bring something up he knows he needs to listen because it has been bothering me for a long time for me to bring it up in the first place. I am a firm believer that couples can "talk," not fight, so I insist on adult conversation and not fighting. If you were to witness it you would see what I mean.


In your version of communicating, it seems like you are just dictating changes that you are expecting him to make in order to appease you. That isn't so great. If you have a relationship problem, address the problem, don't just expect him to become who you want him to be. Maybe he doesn't feel so great about the person you've become either. What you've described isn't talking but dictating or ordering. He can listen all he likes and it sounds like he does, but you seem to be upset that he isn't obeying. He isn't a dog to be trained to please your moods, but a person with interests and desires of his own. He doesn't have to change just because you want him to change and honestly, that isn't the best way to go about fixing your relationship because then in a few months or years when you've become a different person again, you're just going to expect him to repeat this change for you at that point. Why do you feel the need to change him anyway? Why not find some purpose of your own to be caught up in? You can fix your relationship more effectively if you are both making an effort to be strong capable individuals who are committed to making a relationship together, but trying to subjugate one person in he relationship isn't going to work and if it does, it won't work for long. 

I suggest that you guys get a good marriage counselor to help you guys see what the interpersonal problems are or maybe you can get an individual counselor to help you understand why you are seeing him so negatively and why you expect him to be the one to change completely for the relationship to work. That's really rather one-sided.

I wish you both luck.


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Why did you get married? peer pressure? It's seems you're not marriage material. Nothing wrong with that, except... you're married.


Quite the opposite, I married him because he was the man of my dreams, super awesome and perfect for me. But he left one part out in our courtship--that he would become a total slacker the minute things got official and make me feel like his mommy/maid not his lover/companion. HE is the one who wasn't "marriage material," he just led me to believe otherwise. I have been a very, very good wife to him, that's no overstatement. He has taken everything in his married life for granted. 

Yes, I resent him for giving up on us so soon, for no damn reason at all but his slackness. And it's wrong for me to even consider cheating. But part of me think he deserves it, he has it so good at home but refuses to see it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

camihuml said:


> Quite the opposite, I married him because he was the man of my dreams, super awesome and perfect for me. But he left one part out in our courtship--that he would become a total slacker the minute things got official and make me feel like his mommy/maid not his lover/companion. HE is the one who wasn't "marriage material," he just led me to believe otherwise. I have been a very, very good wife to him, that's no overstatement. He has taken everything in his married life for granted.
> 
> Yes, I resent him for giving up on us so soon, for no damn reason at all but his slackness. And it's wrong for me to even consider cheating. *But part of me think he deserves it, he has it so good at home but refuses to see it.*


NO ONE deserves to be cheated on. NO ONE. Not your husband, not my husband. Not you, not me. If you can't get him to open up talking just to you, then try MC. Seriously.


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

moxy said:


> In your version of communicating, it seems like you are just dictating changes that you are expecting him to make in order to appease you. That isn't so great. If you have a relationship problem, address the problem, don't just expect him to become who you want him to be. Maybe he doesn't feel so great about the person you've become either. What you've described isn't talking but dictating or ordering. He can listen all he likes and it sounds like he does, but you seem to be upset that he isn't obeying. He isn't a dog to be trained to please your moods, but a person with interests and desires of his own. He doesn't have to change just because you want him to change and honestly, that isn't the best way to go about fixing your relationship because then in a few months or years when you've become a different person again, you're just going to expect him to repeat this change for you at that point. Why do you feel the need to change him anyway? Why not find some purpose of your own to be caught up in? You can fix your relationship more effectively if you are both making an effort to be strong capable individuals who are committed to making a relationship together, but trying to subjugate one person in he relationship isn't going to work and if it does, it won't work for long.
> 
> I suggest that you guys get a good marriage counselor to help you guys see what the interpersonal problems are or maybe you can get an individual counselor to help you understand why you are seeing him so negatively and why you expect him to be the one to change completely for the relationship to work. That's really rather one-sided.
> 
> I wish you both luck.


I never expected him to "become" anything--I loved him just the way he was--he wasn't perfect, but perfect for ME. HE changed, not me. And oh gawd I WISH he had "interests and desires" of his own--oh wait, are _Walking Dead_ and _24_ re-runs "interests and desires?" Silly me, I thought he would be a big boy by now and want an actual mutual relationship instead of just tv. lol


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I would never cheat. But I do feel like this a lot. My husband is sooookk boring. He literally goes to sleep at 9:30pm. And sex is no fun for me. Its so boring and he's always trying to get me on top. Sometimes I'm thankful that he cums so quickly. Sad but true.

Boring. Boring. Boring.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

camihuml said:


> I never expected him to "become" anything--I loved him just the way he was--he wasn't perfect, but perfect for ME. HE changed, not me. And oh gawd I WISH he had "interests and desires" of his own--oh wait, are _Walking Dead_ and _24_ re-runs "interests and desires?" Silly me, I thought he would be a big boy by now and want an actual mutual relationship instead of just tv. lol


Omg! If I could make TV's disappear off the earth....I would sooo do it!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

camihuml said:


> he would become a total slacker the minute things got official and make me feel like his mommy/maid not his lover/companion.


So you participated in this? You became his mommy/maid. I'm assuming he didn't force you to do this. You thought doing all thise for him would make him love you forever but what you got was a boy looking for a mommy. Have you tried stopping? Do a 180 and quit waiting on him?


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> So you participated in this? You became his mommy/maid. I'm assuming he didn't force you to do this. You thought doing all thise for him would make him love you forever but what you got was a boy looking for a mommy. Have you tried stopping? Do a 180 and quit waiting on him?


I didn't become anything, we were both mutually good to each other before we married. He fell short on the deal. Wayyyy short.

However, I give credit where credit is due, and maybe he was looking for a mommy replacement in the end. Too bad I didn't realize that sooner. Points for you, lol.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I guess for me it comes down to whether or not I could compromise my core moral values.Never mind the complete lack of respect it would show my partner,what would it say about me as a person of value to myself? If it's a matter of "to thine own self be true" then I may fleetingly consider it,but know in my heart that it would be the most destructive to me and my SO as an answer to my frustrations.As Hope1964 pointed out early on,there are other options.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

The person you feel in love with is still there. If you dont see it then it is because you have already started to move on.

This is my own saying for those who like to use this line.
Somewhere honey you lost yourself too. Its not just him.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

So if your done, leave with self respect, divorce and move on. Why degrade yourself and commit adultery? Or can it be that you need your husband to support your lifestyle, so you'll just string him along, while you cheat? He deserves it doesn't he? Then again, you sound confidant, surely you can make it on your own. No?

You still didn't answer Hope's question, did you? Are you afraid to? Your starting to show you hand.


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> So if your done, leave with self respect, divorce and move on. Why degrade yourself and commit adultery? Or can it be that you need your husband to support your lifestyle, so you'll just string him along, while you cheat? Then again, you sound confidant, surely you can make it on your own. No?


You're right, I would feel ****ty for doing it. Maybe that's all I needed to be reminded of.

And yes I would be fine on my own, I am the breadwinner (although he does alright too). I guess I just needed validation on here, all the responses help, thank you all


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Whenever I felt like that, I broke up with the person. :scratchhead: Right? I mean, he's a SO, not a husband...so break up and move on. He's not the one, big deal. Doesn't make either of you bad people.

ETA: OH! you are married. Well...I dunno then. That sucks to feel that way...can you respark your marriage?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Double standards are what I see everywhere.

If the genders were reversed people would be calling it a bait and switch if the OP's sexual needs weren't met.

She hasn't cheated.

She deserves better and she is seeking out advise really on how to get there. 

OP maybe you could think about what attracted you to your husband. Sounds like he's neglecting you and needs to man up. Lay everything on the table and give him an opportunity to step up, if he won't then it's time to move on.

Good luck.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Double standards are what I see everywhere.
> 
> If the genders were reversed people would be calling it a bait and switch if the OP's sexual needs weren't met.
> 
> ...


Little Deer, she said she would cheat if the opportunity arose. Her husband has not responded to her request. He will not step up to the plate for her. The advice being leave him with respect, before she cheats or try to work on it. What's sexist about that?


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

There are no double standards in advice given here.

Two people get married, one stays active in the marriage the other grows passive.

The active partner begins to resent the passive partner and fantasizes about having an affair, and then realizing theres a serious problem, seeks advice on the TAM forums.

Advice: Talk to your partner, lay it all on the line - say, 'things get better or I walk'

Re: cheating - 
If you cheat it wont make your situation better, It will only cause your SO a lifetime of pain and show your lack of morals and integrity - You will be known as a cheater.


whether the passive or active partner is the woman, or the men, or both men, or both women- makes no difference. there is no misandry or misogyny here.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Double standards are what I see everywhere.
> 
> If the genders were reversed people would be calling it a bait and switch if the OP's sexual needs weren't met.


links to threads where this happened please.

also even if it is bait and switch, the OP's options are the same


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## littlemissred (Jun 28, 2012)

I really know how you feel and in the situation you describe I'm not surprised you feel that. My husband is the same, different from when we met, emotionless, disconnected. We are more like flatmates and he basically told me he only has a certain level of physical affection availiable and he gives that to the kids. The last hug I got was 6 weeks ago when I found out a good friend had died - but I had to ask for it and it was only one. And, before I get posts suggesting we talk - we do talk - I actually schedule a talk every 6 to 12 months- where I arrange for the kids to be looked after and we talk about how things are going. I guess the thing that really killed it me for was when he starting joking about the lack of affection and sex - apparently i'm suppose to laugh. Do I think about having an affair- god yeah because I'm not dead. I haven't but not out of any respect for him but out of respect for myself. It's been a painful lesson but I'm not longer so judgemental about people who do slip up. I know there have been times when I have been beside myself explaining, telling him what I need, ask for some shred of acknowledgement as his wife. I have asked for counselling, written letters/emails, had meetings, written it out in plain English etc. If your anything like me, your out of ideas and tired...that's what I am, just plain tired of it all. I could read books, I could get him to read books but I can't see it changing. I haven't decided what to do, but I know I want to keep my morals and dignity either way...but god yeah i've thought about it.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

camihuml said:


> It's that emotional closeness I long for too, not just sexually (not that this really matters, I know). He is just not a friend/lover/companion at all to me like he used to be. Maybe I wouldn't actually go through with it , I don't know. Lucky for me/him, I act very platonic around guys, always have, so I'm not a flirt, so I don't have any specific temptations. I just worry about if I were to meet someone I really "click" with.
> 
> I have tried several times talking to him. I have flat out told him he is not the man I fell in love with, I don't even recognize him, etc. etc. He is so receptive and understanding then 24 hrs later, no scratch that not even 12 hrs later, it's the SSDD again. It's like we never even had the conversation.
> 
> ...


You have to keep having the conversations daily, with acknowledgments of what was done that was appreciated, and what was done that made you feel less than great... this is what we are doing. Right now we are not doing MC. ALthough my dh is open to it, we have been able through our own MC sessions at home, just us two, and reading some articles to help guide our conversations to a healthy discussion and not talking in attacking manners, ensuring the other has "heard" fully what the other has said, etc. IT takes work. Any marriage takes work at one point or another, everything goes through cycles and eventually if not consistently nurtured, a marriage will fall into the rut you described. But it takes two to make it fix, initially however it only takes one to get the engine running... and sounds like that one needs to be you... In my case, it was me, and still sometimes I feel like I am putting in more, but then there are days my dh makes up for it and I can tell he is recommitted. So it's a balance. I wish you luck. One of the best articles i Found to help us start the discussion was His Needs-Her Needs-Our Needs
Weird tittled website but the first article is about the top 5 needs of a man and top 5 needs of a woman in a relationship, the second about communicating wisely...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

OP, resentment!! Get into marriage counseling


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

camihuml said:


> I have always been described by friends and lovers as "fiercely" loyal, and very trustworthy. I never would have ever even considered cheating on a boyfriend/husband in the past, and I admit I judged friends and co-workers who did.
> 
> Advance several years to a non-fulfilling relationship. He trusts me 100%, too much I feel. He doesn't care where I go or what I do or who I do it with, it would be so easy. I _want_ to want HIM, but I constantly think about being with other men. My SO is just so borrrring in bed and in life, I am so unfulfilled in so many ways. We were so great at 1st, like most relationships I suspect, but I didn't sign up for this mundane life we lead.
> 
> Anyone feel like this? Is this normal?


Work on your marriage so you can say you gave it your all! Communicate your desire to be wanted and needed to your husband. Let him know that you feel like the two of you have fallen into too much of a "comfort" zone and want to reignite the passion! Read up on it, and start some things, and I bet you'll be surprised with his responses.


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## mostlyhappy02 (Jan 27, 2012)

camihuml said:


> It's that emotional closeness I long for too, not just sexually (not that this really matters, I know). He is just not a friend/lover/companion at all to me like he used to be. Maybe I wouldn't actually go through with it , I don't know. Lucky for me/him, I act very platonic around guys, always have, so I'm not a flirt, so I don't have any specific temptations. I just worry about if I were to meet someone I really "click" with.
> 
> I have tried several times talking to him. I have flat out told him he is not the man I fell in love with, I don't even recognize him, etc. etc. He is so receptive and understanding then 24 hrs later, no scratch that not even 12 hrs later, it's the SSDD again. It's like we never even had the conversation.
> 
> ...




Marriage counseling is necessary for many marriages because:

-It can provide neutral ground for involved parties to speak 

-The therapist often times can 'translate' what the other spouse is trying to communicate

-If what you are communicating isn't coming across effectively, your therapist can help you communicate in a way your partner understands

I could go on and on. This is what my husband did not understand about MC until we went to help resolve some issues and he realized MC wasn't just for people with major marital problems. I would recommend MC or at least IC stat. You feel like you are talking to a brick wall and that's not fair for you. You need to figure out why he's not responding, whether it be how you are communicating or a matter of picking and choosing your battles. 


FWIW, I'm very much the mom/nurturer in my marriage as well. It is a very fine line to teeter across.


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