# Alchoholic Husband Begging for a "Glimmer of Hope"



## silkpalace (May 17, 2013)

To make a long story short, I finally left my alcoholic husband around two months ago. If you've read my other posts you know that I have been struggling for years now living with this aggressive disease. My "rock bottom" was when my husband was arrested for menacing someone in my apartment building (I was not home at the time). When I did stop by the apartment I was shocked by its condition......tables turned and broken, sconces falling off the walls, light fixtures crashed into thousands of glass pieces....etc. And, it finally took a "truck to hit me" that I was living with a very dangerous person when he is drunk. So, I left! I have left before, but always returned after the well intentioned, but empty "promises". 
He was in a drunken stupor for about two weeks after this incident....so I didn't want or see the purpose of having any serious conversations with him....and I was in a state of major grief, because in my heart (but not yet my head), I knew this was the end. During the first 6 weeks of our separation, I "detached with love." I told him I needed to work on myself, get healthy, strong and I wished the same for him.....I did not see the purpose of berating him, even though I wanted to. And I have been going through weeks of great sorrow. At first I felt tremendous guilt, but then realized that it turned into sorrow....for what once was, and the sadness of his condition. Because behind the disease is a wonderful person whom I thought I was going to "grow old with" and I thought was my soul mate. Well in a way, I still do feel like he is my soul mate, but I know that living with him and growing old together is no longer an option. So I recently let him know that our marriage is over. And as expected, he has not taken this well. He is begging me to give him a "glimmer of hope." I told him that I have hope that he can recover and resolve many of the issues he has and that I have hope for him as a person, but "No, I do not have hope for our marriage." So here is my question.....Is it wrong to tell a spouse that you feel no hope? We have other issues besides his alcoholism......his anger issues, controlling issues, etc. So, it's not just about him "recovering", it's about him crossing boundaries I just could/can no longer live with.....particularly in regards to my two older children (He never had children). Should I have said, "Yes, perhaps there is hope if "yada yada yada".......All he does is cry and tell me he has no reason to live anymore. Am I being too heartless?


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

You are not wrong or heartless. Alcoholics are incredibly manipulative, it is part of the disease. They know exactly how to get people to feel sorry for them. You are only hurting him by hanging around and not letting him endure consequences for his choices. Tough love is really hard to practice because it goes against all of our instincts to love and nurture. Do not go back to him.


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## silkpalace (May 17, 2013)

Thanks for your reply.....I wasn't thinking of going back, just wondering if I should have said, "Yes, there is a glimmer of hope"


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## JayS (Jun 5, 2013)

I'm in the exact same spot as an alcoholic husband who's wife left (with our children) I really think that any "glimmer of hope" has to come from any glimmer of hope he offers you...as in him entering a sober and serious recovering lifestyle. Would this change your heart at all?
You did say that the marriage was over, and if it is, then there's nothing more you can or should have done. I was fortunate..my wife talks to me daily, almost all day on the phone, and I see my children. We have agreed to put things on hold, but she is holding out for our marriage, and has said as much. I did however enter a treatment center, and I am very busy rebuilding my own life. If I were to take one drink, or even attempt to control her or manipulate the situation, she's gone. Like you, she has a ton of hurt to sort through, and has chosen to try and understand the disease of alcoholism through counselling. She feels bad for leaving too, but knows that it was the only way to shake me, and to have some peace while I got better (and she wants to be sure I am better, so we have a long road ahead. I truly hope your husband makes a sound choice to change for himself, and I hope that whatever you decide, you are at peace with it.


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## silkpalace (May 17, 2013)

Thanks JayS for your very thoughtful response.....particularly the part about HIM offering ME a glimmer of hope. Perhaps if I had seen that, then I would say there was a chance. If he truly were dedicated to recovery (not just for us.....but for him) and made amends to my family........he doesn't realize it, but he often made me "choose" between him and my children and if I didn't take his advice (which often became ranting and raving), he'd turn into a control freak monster. I wish after the arrest that it was his true "rock bottom" and that he would have taken ownership of his behavior.......but he still hasn't. He blames everything and everyone else for our split......particularly my family.....who have always been so supportive and loving toward him. I wish we spoke more regularly on the phone.....but it's almost impossible, because even if he is not drinking, he is a dry drunk with no tools, no realization , no ANYTHING of why he drinks......it's soooo sad. I am happy for you and your family. Many people do turn their lives around and it sounds like you have the support and most importantly your OWN motivation to do so. Remember, one day at a time!!! Oh and by the way, your post could not have come at a better time. I have so-so days and very sad days, and yesterday I was feeling so good until around 8:00pm and then I became so sad....missing him so much.....wanting him to be well, because I still love him. I woke up very early feeling quite depressed about the situation, because I know there is nothing I can do except detach with love. I sent him an email last night letting him know that I hope he is doing better. So when I read your post early this morning, it really did help me. Thank you so much!!!!!


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## JayS (Jun 5, 2013)

Thank you! It is good to hear the perspective from the wife's point of view!

You're right about the "dry drunk" behaviour. Alcoholism truly is a mental disorder, though very treatable. I was self-centered to the core. I thought everyone was against me, and sadly, like your husband, often put my wife in a spot where she had to choose me or her children (my step children) when it came to who's parenting approach..and I did rant and rave, much to my remorse. 

I woke up mentally in the recovery home. It was only a three week stay, but very intense. When the awareness hit me of what I had been doing, I broke down. It's impossible not to get a wake up call in a place like that, because you are surrounded by people just like you, and listening to them shakes you from your denial over time. It's an awareness that will never leave you, regardless of how you live afterward. It was a painful and necessary awakening, and I thank God for it. I toyed with recovery for years, in and out of AA, treatment, all that. This time, I brought my family down in my sickness, and that is the jolt I needed.

I'm glad to read your posts..it helps me to understand what my own wife is going through with all of this. My wife calls me frequently, and tells me she loves me and calls me "hubby" but often, when we meet so I can see our daughter, I won't even get a hug or kiss. She's really setting boundaries. I often don't know how to take this, but I have to trust and accept it. If I feel like questioning her on her own way of handling this, or worse, if self pity creeps in and I want to get angry with her (it is a self-centered disease) I call a recovery friend instead and get my mind back on straight. I keep conversations light and happy with her. Like you, this was a painful direction for her to take.

The fact that you still love him and are making a very difficult choice says volumes about you and you certainly should not feel any guilt over leaving. I really wish for you that he'd make a choice to change. This could open doors to healing for your marriage. But it's impossible otherwise, and you shouldn't stick around to live through untreated alcoholism. It's almost natural for an alcoholic/addict to deflect blame and go into self-pity. We've been doing it for a long time by the time our illness brings us to the point of losing a marriage or similar loss. But we are responsible to address our problems, and as you mentioned, get help for OURSELVES first and foremost. If an alky just gets help to win his family back, the change isn't real and won't last. Of course I want my family back, but I don't want to be the sick person that broke their hearts. And I want to be able to look in the mirror and like who I see for once. I've battled booze for 25 years, and I've had enough. 

I really hope that something changes in your situation...I feel much sorrow that you are in the position you are of making very tough but necessary decisions. I had little clue of what I was doing, but I knew that if I just got to a treatment center, I could get a solid footing. I hope your husband makes a choice for help, whatever form that help may take. And you have helped me more than you may realize, in understanding, as I mentioned, what my own wife is feeling and going through. Thank you!  My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You are doing the right.... albeit difficult thing!

Whether or not you offer a "glimmer of hope" is of no consequence. It's not your responsibility to dangle a carrot in front of him.

If he wants to get sober, for the right reasons, then he needs to do it for him. Then everything will fall into place as it should. 

That doesn't meet reconciliation, it means that the consequences good/bad are as they should.


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## silkpalace (May 17, 2013)

Yes, yes, yes, you're so right.....all who have replied. I am reading Codependent No More and it's helping....everything you're all saying is right out of the book. Today is my husband's hearing at court. I am not going....but it's true....the consequences are as they should, whatever they may be.


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