# Divorce has been finalized... 😔



## SBS (10 mo ago)

My divorce has been finalized. It all seems so strange. My 16 year wedding anniversary would have been this month. I'm honestly dreading the day. My ex has been engaged to the woman he cheated with for about a year. I'm continuing with my self love journey. But sometimes it seems as if I will never be able to fully understand why. Why he chose to cheat, lie, disregard his children and I and act like we don't exist. How can someone just not care about the life you've built and the vows that you made? He dismantled our entire world. Yet he's moved on and is living his best life. It hardly seems fair. The no contact route is still the only way I can stay sane. However, he has to pick up my son this weekend and I'm so anxious about it. I'm okay if I don't have to communicate with him. Yet, I have to do the whole coparent thing now. I keep trying to show myself grace and stay calm. However, seeing him is triggering. I still wish I could just get over it... I wish I could be like him in some aspects. Move on like he never existed. I wish..


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

You can't just get over it. This is a loss so you have to grieve in your own way and it takes time.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. You are the victim here, and his “best life” is going to blow up in his face, just you wait. I’m so sorry. You’re stronger than you know.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@SBS 

His "best life" may not blow up in his face, but it may not quite be the image he is projecting either. It's fairly common for an unfaithful spouse to be VERY "image conscious" and to present a good face no matter what is going on behind closed doors. So while they may present the image of "happily ever after" that's about 99.5% probably because they are trying to justify why they had to blow up lives and wreck families. Of course they present as if they're happy, because why would they do all that just to be unhappy? 

Well here's what happens: during the affair, it's fun and exciting because it's a bit naughty. They only see each other "at their best" and they spend stolen time and big money on romantic gestures and whatnot. Then, after they're discovered and they don't have to hide it anymore...suddenly it's a little less fun. It's not as forbidden. Then they have to file legal stuff and they don't get everything they want, so that's not fun. Then they have less money because now the court told 'em they can't keep it all, so that's not fun. They can't go on hot dates and fancy restaurants. They can't give each other romantic gifts. They wake up in the morning to the bad breath and the farts. One gets sick and sees the other in the ratty "I'm sick" pajamas. They argue over bills. They are jealous when their schmoopy pays attention to their kids instead of spending time with them...and they fight. One wants her to cook and the other doesn't want to and they fight about that. They fight every time he has to talk to you. 

See what I mean? You are free of all that...and this isn't really his "best life" even though he may make it look like that on the outside.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> @SBS
> 
> His "best life" may not blow up in his face, but it may not quite be the image he is projecting either. It's fairly common for an unfaithful spouse to be VERY "image conscious" and to present a good face no matter what is going on behind closed doors. So while they may present the image of "happily ever after" that's about 99.5% probably because they are trying to justify why they had to blow up lives and wreck families. Of course they present as if they're happy, because why would they do all that just to be unhappy?
> 
> ...





Affaircare said:


> @SBS
> 
> His "best life" may not blow up in his face, but it may not quite be the image he is projecting either. It's fairly common for an unfaithful spouse to be VERY "image conscious" and to present a good face no matter what is going on behind closed doors. So while they may present the image of "happily ever after" that's about 99.5% probably because they are trying to justify why they had to blow up lives and wreck families. Of course they present as if they're happy, because why would they do all that just to be unhappy?
> 
> ...


I see what you mean. I appreciate your response. He barely sees our children now. That hurts me so much. I have to dry their eyes and apologize for his lack of interest in them now. I'm going to try to keep moving forward. Although I sometimes feel like I'm moving at a snails pace. This platform has been so helpful. I felt so alone in the beginning. I wasn't sure I would make it. Thank you for your response and the encouraging words.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. You are the victim here, and his “best life” is going to blow up in his face, just you wait. I’m so sorry. You’re stronger than you know.


Thank you. I'm still trying everyday to hold it together. I don't know if he will ever understand the total devastation that he's caused. It feels like he got away with murder. Then the following smear campaign, telling his family that I hate him and didn't want our marriage to work. I just don't understand why? It's like he doesn't realize or care about how much damage he's already done. Thank you so much for your response. It really helps to have a place to vent without judgment. It also helps to know that there are other people that have survived divorce and gone on to thrive.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> You can't just get over it. This is a loss so you have to grieve in your own way and it takes time.





Diceplayer said:


> You can't just get over it. This is a loss so you have to grieve in your own way and it takes time.


It definitely takes time. I wonder sometimes if any of it was real.... He had an affair that produced a child. Moved in with the woman and her children and completely forgot about us. I guess it was just a loss for one of us. Why is showing myself grace so hard? I feel so stupid sometimes... I feel like I should have left sooner. Maybe I could have avoided being completely blindsided. Thank you for your response.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I get it. Hindsight is 20/20. Looking backwards, we all see the red flags that we missed when we were in the moment and that makes us feel stupid. Believe me when I tell you that I've done more stupid than any three other people here. But you learn from it and eventually move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My guess is that everyone feels they should have left sooner — in my case decades sooner — but hope can be a very powerful motivator not to. What I learned was to look forward and not back. It took much longer to get there than I would have preferred but I did. And so will you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SBS said:


> Thank you. I'm still trying everyday to hold it together. I don't know if he will ever understand the total devastation that he's caused. It feels like he got away with murder. Then the following smear campaign, telling his family that I hate him and didn't want our marriage to work. I just don't understand why? It's like he doesn't realize or care about how much damage he's already done. Thank you so much for your response. It really helps to have a place to vent without judgment. It also helps to know that there are other people that have survived divorce and gone on to thrive.


They don’t care. Wasting time living on the hopium they’ll get it will only keep you bound.
No contact can get you where you need to be eventually.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

I agree with the above. Once they are married real life sets in big time. I think the reality is a lot different than the fantasy that they thought it would be.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> My guess is that everyone feels they should have left sooner — in my case decades sooner — but hope can be a very powerful motivator not to. What I learned was to look forward and not back. It took much longer to get there than I would have preferred but I did. And so will you.


Thank you for the encouragement.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sorry that you and your kids are going through such pain from your ex. From reading about your ex’s lack of empathy and how he was engaged before the ink is dry on the divorce papers, he strikes me as having narcissistic personality disorder traits. Not sure if you’ve ever researched that, but narcissists are all about themselves, even abandoning their kids if that means getting what they want. They have a difficult time loving just one person, they prefer being adored by many.

It might be helpful for you to research NPD for yourself, to learn how challenging break ups with them can be and how to best deal with coparenting with one. Be very careful that you don’t fall for him circling back to you when things don’t go as he planned with his fiancée. (I wouldn’t be surprised.) Staying NC is the best and I’m so happy you’re doing that. Hoping things get better for you, and that one day, you’ll no longer feel the way you do, now.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Sorry that you and your kids are going through such pain from your ex. From reading about your ex’s lack of empathy and how he was engaged before the ink is dry on the divorce papers, he strikes me as having narcissistic personality disorder traits. Not sure if you’ve ever researched that, but narcissists are all about themselves, even abandoning their kids if that means getting what they want. They have a difficult time loving just one person, they prefer being adored by many.
> 
> It might be helpful for you to research NPD for yourself, to learn how challenging break ups with them can be and how to best deal with coparenting with one. Be very careful that you don’t fall for him circling back to you when things don’t go as he planned with his fiancée. (I wouldn’t be surprised.) Staying NC is the best and I’m so happy you’re doing that. Hoping things get better for you, and that one day, you’ll no longer feel the way you do, now.


Yes, I'm familiar with NPD. He is definitely a narcissist. He checks every single box. Looking back on my marriage I realized that I ignored so many red flags because I wanted to believe he really loved me. I was loyal, to my own detriment. I have to take responsibility for my part in this mess. I was love bombed, manipulated, lied to and cheated on for years. The highs and lows were beyond extreme. I should have walked away years ago. I'm constantly angry with myself because each time I forgave him he hurt me ten times worse the next time. I didn't even realize how deep the deception was until just recently. I was really a special kind of fool during the marriage. I wonder sometimes how people like him can go on to lead a happy life? He's suffered no consequences. It all just seems so unfair.... Thank you for your response.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

SBS said:


> Yes, I'm familiar with NPD. He is definitely a narcissist. He checks every single box. Looking back on my marriage I realized that I ignored so many red flags because I wanted to believe he really loved me. I was loyal toy own detriment. I have to take responsibility for my part in this mess. I was love bombed, manipulated, lied to and cheated on for years. The highs and lows were beyond extreme. I should have walked away years ago. I'm constantly angry with myself because each time I forgave him he hurt me ten times worse the next time. I didn't even realize how deep the deception was until just recently. I was really a special kind of fool during the marriage. I wonder sometimes how people like him can go on to lead a happy life? He's suffered no consequences. It all just seems so unfair.... Thank you for your response.


You weren’t a fool, you loved your husband and it’s an odd blessing in disguise that this happened because you deserve someone who knows how to love. It is tough to look back and realize you ignored some things, but hope is a powerful thing. I remember dating a narcissistic abusive type of guy and always had hope he’d change. But, you live and learn. I wish the best for your future!


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

Y


SBS said:


> Yes, I'm familiar with NPD. He is definitely a narcissist. He checks every single box. Looking back on my marriage I realized that I ignored so many red flags because I wanted to believe he really loved me. I was loyal toy own detriment. I have to take responsibility for my part in this mess. I was love bombed, manipulated, lied to and cheated on for years. The highs and lows were beyond extreme. I should have walked away years ago. I'm constantly angry with myself because each time I forgave him he hurt me ten times worse the next time. I didn't even realize how deep the deception was until just recently. I was really a special kind of fool during the marriage. I wonder sometimes how people like him can go on to lead a happy life? He's suffered no consequences. It all just seems so unfair.... Thank you for your response.


I am now going through a divorce with a narcissist - he had an 8 year affair along with other affairs, one even while we were engaged (I only recently learned the full extent of his affairs). I feel the same things you feel - how could he just blow up all our lives and not care? I will never understand it. Going no contact is necessary but difficult when you have children as I am quickly learning. I don’t have any advice. Just came to say you are not alone!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When you realize your life never was what you thought, you feel played. Big time. Life was 100% about him so it was never going to work. I don’t think those people are capable of love as we know it.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

Coloratura said:


> Y
> 
> I am now going through a divorce with a narcissist - he had an 8 year affair along with other affairs, one even while we were engaged (I only recently learned the full extent of his affairs). I feel the same things you feel - how could he just blow up all our lives and not care? I will never understand it. Going no contact is necessary but difficult when you have children as I am quickly learning. I don’t have any advice. Just came to say you are not alone!


I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this. 😔 I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. He and I share a son. I did go no contact for a while. However, since the finalization of our divorce I have had to contact him for coparenting matters. I've informed him of my new boundaries for contact. I've let him know that I will only respond to messages about our son. It was difficult for a while, because he would randomly contact me about nothing. I wouldn't respond. He got irate and I had to block him, to ensure he knew that disrespect wouldn't be tolerated. It has not been easy.... I don't have a lot of advice to offer, simply because I'm still so hurt. But what I will tell you is that boundaries are an essential part of maintaining your sanity and healing. You are not alone. Keep your head up and stay strong. Don't let him break you. You deserve love, kindness, compassion, sympathy and empathy. We have to learn to give those things to ourselves. 


Openminded said:


> When you realize your life never was what you thought, you feel played. Big time. Life was 100% about him so it was never going to work. I don’t think those people are capable of love as we know it.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> When you realize your life never was what you thought, you feel played. Big time. Life was 100% about him so it was never going to work. I don’t think those people are capable of love as we know it.


I agree. It has been a painfully, eye opening experience.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

SBS said:


> My divorce has been finalized. It all seems so strange. My 16 year wedding anniversary would have been this month. I'm honestly dreading the day. My ex has been engaged to the woman he cheated with for about a year. I'm continuing with my self love journey. But sometimes it seems as if I will never be able to fully understand why. Why he chose to cheat, lie, disregard his children and I and act like we don't exist. How can someone just not care about the life you've built and the vows that you made? He dismantled our entire world. Yet he's moved on and is living his best life. It hardly seems fair. The no contact route is still the only way I can stay sane. However, he has to pick up my son this weekend and I'm so anxious about it. I'm okay if I don't have to communicate with him. Yet, I have to do the whole coparent thing now. I keep trying to show myself grace and stay calm. However, seeing him is triggering. I still wish I could just get over it... I wish I could be like him in some aspects. Move on like he never existed. I wish..


You can do this, for you and for your kids. Your husband made his choice and unfortunately, that turned your lives upside down. He’s only thinking of his own needs. Focus on you, your growth, who you really are, to best care for you and your kids. I’m on that road myself and it’s not easy but I know we can do this. Good luck!


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

This is the best forum to be on for this type of support/guidance. 

You most definitely WILL get through this. 🫂


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

Lostinthelight said:


> You can do this, for you and for your kids. Your husband made his choice and unfortunately, that turned your lives upside down. He’s only thinking of his own needs. Focus on you, your growth, who you really are, to best care for you and your kids. I’m on that road myself and it’s not easy but I know we can do this. Good luck!


No, it's not easy at all... We will definitely do this. Thank you for your encouraging words.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

Works said:


> This is the best forum to be on for this type of support/guidance.
> 
> You most definitely WILL get through this. 🫂


I receive that. "I WILL get through this" Thank you.. Some days are better than others. I pray and try my hardest to keep moving forward. This healing journey has not been easy. However, I won't give up.


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