# I don't know what to do!



## pegasus (Oct 29, 2012)

2012 I found out my husband cheated on me. He broke it off but kept the friendship - told me I should work on my trust. Well we went to see councellors, I gave him the choice,me or her. After 2012 & 2013 I should be over it according to him. He still works on the same premises as her but no longer for the same company. We moved on a bit but every now and again we will have a heated fight - he is a for eto be reconed with - you will come out hurt at the other end. I do fight back which he does not like. That is not the person he married. I got very hurt by this cheat. So any fight nowadays makes me wonder. So we had a fabulous time friday evening but saturday a fight took place. Now there is tension, I am apprehensive getting hurt, so tired of it. So I am on leave he is at work. Have not done it in a bit, but decided to check his emails, he ha the modem so I can't see e erything. So I see a gmail invite to him from her. I am so upset, he will ofcourse say I am over reacting and should get over myself (that is the latest he says to me). I feel like confronting her. Then I expose what Ive done and a huge fight will be sparked off! We cant talk about anything because we will fight. So so tired I just want to live in peace and be loved.
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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please clarify a few things. Did he have an EA or PA? 
How long have you been married? Could he have any retro resentment towards you (i.e maybe a reason why he drifted)

You say the OW sent a gmail to him from her.....Maybe this OW is the dang issue. Maybe she is relentless on pursuing your husband and he is trying to remain pure???


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## pegasus (Oct 29, 2012)

over20 said:


> I am so sorry you are going through this. Please clarify a few things. Did he have an EA or PA?
> How long have you been married? Could he have any retro resentment towards you (i.e maybe a reason why he drifted)
> 
> You say the OW sent a gmail to him from her.....Maybe this OW is the dang issue. Maybe she is relentless on pursuing your husband and he is trying to remain pure???


We have been married 26 years come 9 jan. She sent him a gmail invite to link whith her. he told me the other day she is in aa commited relationship and is pregnant. EA - extra marital affair - yes he had that. What is PA? Is it fair to me that they still have contact and talk about personal stuff?

I suppose we have some resentment both. Comes out in the fights. It can go good for some time and as soon as we fight it is bad again - I so wish we could just sit and talk nicely and listen to each other. This just seem to me will not be. He is a strong fighter and that is also his defence mecanism. I usually back off and close up. We drifted apart, not nuturing the marriage, sex dissapeared and he enjoyed porn. So we did not fight or anything we thought we were okay. Untill the ea. I used to be a positive happy person, that changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Read more here...lots of things you can do. Sorry your here.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why are you taking ANY kind of crap from him

He stepped outside the circle of your mge---he doesn't get back in to your good graces, unless he complies with what you want

You set the rules---THISIS YOUR BALL GAME BY YOUR RULES---OTHERWISE TELL HIM TO GET AN ATTY AND PREPARE TO DEFEND A DIV. ACTION

Is it that you are scared to lay down the law---cuz that is what you need to do

Believe me he isn't going anywhere---he just has figured out, that you are scared to force accountability---and you allow him to get away what is going on

You have to be willing to use your one and only weapon---threat of D/Div.---------the way this is spose to play out is---as follows

He goes NC with any and all women
He shows complete remorse
He is completely transparent, and open, any electronics he has, are available to you 24/7
He is accountable
You lay down the law, if you say jump---his answer is how high
He helps you thru your pain, when you trigger
There is no fighting/backtalking on his part---he cheated, he owns it, and he helps you to recover
He discusses/answers questions as much as you need, as many times as you need, when you want

He complies with all the above---or he finds himself in the middle of a Div.

You have to be strong, and assert yourself---and take no crap from him WHATSOEVER----and you can't be afraid to let him know---you will have no problem going it on your own---even if you are scared, of the consequences to yourself---you MUST out bluff him---in this deadly serious game.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

pegasus said:


> We have been married 26 years come 9 jan. She sent him a gmail invite to link whith her. he told me the other day she is in aa commited relationship and is pregnant. EA - extra marital affair - yes he had that. *What is PA?* Is it fair to me that they still have contact and talk about personal stuff?


PA = physical affair


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

aug said:


> PA = physical affair


and EA = Emotional Affair. The following is pure bu!!sh!t:

_He broke it off but kept the friendship - told me I should work on my trust._

Pegasus, if you read the threads in this forum you'll see why you keep having fights--nothing has been resolved in the wake of his cheating. You need but do not have:

1. Absolutely no contact (NC) on his part with the affair partner (AP). None of this "remaining friends" crap.
2. Full disclosure and genuine remorse on his part.
3. Understanding on his part that your recovery from his infidelity, if it happens, will take place according to your timeline, not his.

If none of this came up in your counseling, then you have idiot counselors


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If you had an affair, he would not want you to have any contact with your AP. 

So the same rules should apply to him. He should not have any contact with her. He should change jobs if necessary. Have you had him read not just friends? What kind of boundaries is he following? It does not sound like he is respecting the boundaries that a married person should follow.

I hope you find out soon if he will change or not. If he will not change, you need to get him out of your life.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

From out here it looks like he thinks of you as a housekeeper/companion/cook while he sees himself as an employer/big brother.

Go see a family law atty and determine your legal rights. Have divorce papers drawn up and present them to that man and tell him it's time to sh1t or get off the pot.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

If he cared about you he would have no contact with her period. If she is still contacting him I wonder if the baby is his or he is still wanting her or he is still having an affair with her.

Every time my husband has cheated he would treat me badly and tried to make everything my fault. Being treated badly is a sure sign you are still being cheated on.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

From your description of him. He would certainly see this differently if you were the one to have the affair. 

No offense he sounds like a loser. Please let her SO know. 

Also to be clear. Is he physically abusing you. If yes, call the cops and have his sorry butt hauled off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

He's still cheating, and he thinks you are his doormat. Tell him you want a divorce and he can go be with his other woman.

It would NEVER work with her still in the picture. Yous husband is a liar, who hides and has secret relationships behind your back...he's a coward and a cake-eater.

File and pull a 180...your serial cheating liar husband cannot be trusted, and you can't spend the rest of your life trying to monitor his behavior....he's just not worth it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Nothing has ended. He thinks he can control you and he believes you will not leave him.

At this point you need to make it clear to him it is over, no emails, no friendship and he needs to find a new job right now. If he says no, tell him there is the door and file for divorce.

You need to get back into IC for yourself right away


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I've got the feeling you're going to have a hard time accepting this advice, but just like the other posters have suggested, here's what you need to do - simply put.

- You don't accept their continued communication - in any form.

- He must send her a no contact letter that you review.

- He must eliminate the possibility of seeing her at work. If that means quitting his job, then that's what he needs to do.

If he doesn't agree to all of these things; you implement the 180 (google it) to detach from him, and see an attorney to start divorce proceedings.

Based on how you describe him, he's unlikely to agree to this. So expect to start moving toward divorce. If he refuses your demands, don't fight with him, don't raise your voice; just stay away from him as much as possible and detach from him until your divorce is final.

In the unlikely event he agrees, check back here for more advice on how to go forward with R. This is only a starting point. No contact must be agreed to and verified before you do anything else.

We have a philosophy at TAM. If you won't to have a chance at saving your marriage with a cheater, you have to be willing to lose your marriage for that chance.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

pegasus said:


> I am so upset, he will ofcourse say I am over reacting and should get over myself (that is the latest he says to me).



I don't care how long ago it was. You don't have to just get over it because cheating bastard says so. He doesn't get to make that call. He should be down on his knees that you are even still around.

If this is the kind of smug, unremorseful crap he says to you, then maybe you need to secretly see an attorney and surprise him with divorce papers.

You don't need a d!ck like that in your life. You can do better, and have fun being single again and not having to worry about your unapologetic cheater. Tell him he can just get over giving you have the marital assets including any retirement accounts. See if he just gets over that, or stews about it for years. What a d!ck


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

vellocet said:


> I don't care how long ago it was. You don't have to just get over it because cheating bastard says so. He doesn't get to make that call. He should be down on his knees that you are even still around.
> 
> If this is the kind of smug, unremorseful crap he says to you, then maybe you need to secretly see an attorney and surprise him with divorce papers.
> 
> You don't need a d!ck like that in your life. You can do better, and have fun being single again and not having to worry about your unapologetic cheater. Tell him he can just get over giving you have the marital assets including any retirement accounts. See if he just gets over that, or stews about it for years. What a d!ck


:iagree:

Loved this response so [email protected] much I wanted to see it twice.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

pegasus said:


> my husband cheated on me. He broke it off but kept the friendship \


The is a lie on his part. Broke it off means he should have ended all contact period. He was playing semantic games with you. I only stayed in contact with one sex partner during my marriage. That was my "baby mama" and yes it added "drama." There is NO reason to be "friends" with an affair partner unless there is a child and the betrayed spouse has decided on reconciliation. 

Still, it better not be a "friendship" and contact is stricly when and where to pick up the child.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> In2012 I found out my husband cheated on me. He broke it off but kept the friendship


In truth, this means your husband is still cheating on you, even if he is no longer having sex with her.

He needs put his big boy trousers on and deal with the shi&&y person he has become.

He needs to do the hard work. Not you!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

There's one thing I've learned from being on here for years and reading story after story 

No one person ever woke up one morning and decided they would have no control over or in their lives.

It just evolves that way - one personalty seems to edge above the other and you find you have no control, you then get used to that feeling and end up accepting it the way of things 

But it isn't. NO IT'S NOT 

Tomorrow morning you can wake up with a different head on this situation - you just have to want and know you want that to be 

You could spend some of the best hours of your entire life reading up here for a day and realizing you need to take control to set down rules and boundaries and actually expect somebody to adhere to them especially if as they say they love you 

This is simple -a spouse cheats, infidelity occurs . They are in the fog or 'in love' as they think and you need to blow it up whatever way you can. They then stay apart - IN EVERY WAY possible.

If even in the smallest way possible they do not after the event - then it's time to think about ending the relationship. 

This is rule one, step one in any reconciliatory phase . The well worn equation is as simple as it gets 

ALL contact of any nature 100% is put into effect and if it is not done = reconcilliation will fail. 
NO EXCEPTIONS EVER - there are none 

Luckily you are already here - the best advice about adultery cheating and all within is here, you will learn much and most of it will hurt but you will never regret coming here

Good Luck


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

pegasus said:


> 2012 I found out my husband cheated on me. He broke it off but kept the friendship - told me I should work on my trust.


 Tell him that he has it backwards. You do not need to work on trust, he needs to work on being trustworthy. Tell him that real trust cannot be given, it must be earned, and that starts with real remorse and a commitment to doing what must be done to let you heal. For starters, he must agree to see a marriage counselor with you. They will tell him that it is normal in this situation that regardless of trust, he needs to go full no contact with his affair partner for life.


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