# Counting down



## doodads (Oct 5, 2015)

I have been married for a little over 20 years. My wife and I love each other, but there are fractures in the foundation that run very deep. I have stayed in a dysfunctional marriage because I felt that it was important to be an active and involved part of my kid's lives. To that end, we have been very successful. Our kids are wonderful human beings. Our first will graduate from high school this semester with full scholarships, and our second will graduate next year. They are both great, well adjusted kids who are well liked by everyone.

I am growing very impatient. After several years of patiently waiting for the clock to run down, I'm just ready to be done. I have been working on getting our various debts paid down. We won't have any savings when we split, but we do have retirement accounts. Hopefully we'll be down to just the mortgage payment. Even so, as the primary breadwinner, alimony is going to bite very deeply into my ability to have much of a life when we're through.

A bleak financial outlook combined with my wife's almost complete apathy towards her responsibilities in our marriage have made me very, very bitter. It affects my work and my ability to enjoy the things that I used to enjoy outside of our marriage.

It will be at least two years before I can file for divorce, but at this point I just don't see how I can keep our marriage together for that long. At what time is it appropriate to begin to get counseling to deal with these feelings? We both respect each other and don't air our dirty laundry around other people, but putting a happy face on our marriage for friends and family is simply exhausting. I would love to vent about the things that are wrong in our marriage, but for all of our problems I still respect my wife immensely. I have never said a negative word about my wife to friends or strangers, and don't plan to start now. I dread having to answer questions about why I'm ending our marriage.

I would like to find a way to get some kind of support without having to involve my wife. I don't want the added stress of having to beat on a dead horse. I just want to get our finances sorted out, get the kids into college, and then get on with my life. Are there things that I can be doing now to prepare for the final act?

Thanks


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## moonbeam78 (Oct 11, 2015)

Doodads, I have nothing even remotely to offer in personal experiences similar to yours, but allow me to give you pause regarding the clock. I was recently told a (very recent, very true, and very sad) story wherein the father waited until the kids were in college to divorce. Classic 'stuck together for the kids' one could argue. One of the daughters ended up in emergency counseling the semester that the parents dropped it on her, and it absolutely destroyed her semester / finals/ grades. The sentiment from the daughter was "Why the hell did you wait for me to be in college, arguably my most important time...why couldn't you have done this when I was in High School!" I don't think she has forgiven her Dad, yet, and it might be a long time. (For a high-achiever like your first, transcripts are sacred to them during college, I can tell you from experience)

So far be it from me to tell anyone what their timeline should be (nor do I have any reason to think your children will react similarly obviously) , but this story shook me and my preconceived notions of what is 'right thing to do for the kids'.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

I understand where you are coming from, and i was there. My daughter is not as old as yours, but even she could see how unhappy i was during the marriage and even in the past said so. 
Her mother and i were just room mates for many, MANY years, Yes there was sex ( If we could call it that ) and it only happened when i came to her looking for it, never came from the other side of the fence, I think that was called Duty sex.

There was no one else in my life, and i did not really care if there was on her side, but i knew there wasn't. I have come to learn that she was A sexual and that it really did not matter to her if we did it or not.
She was comfortable as every need she had, she got, there was money in the bank so she could shop ( Most of the time at least ) buy my daughter new closes every weekend, and when i needed them i was always passed by for a few weeks as she needed to get something special for the kid that week. no real affection, hugs or kisses or conversations in front of the kid, every now and then we would go out, All 3 of us and in 12 yrs only went on one maybe two dates just the two of us, and that was when my parents came to town to visit. When hers came in they would all go out and leave me at the house. never was close to her family, including her dad. 

One day i asked her, are you happy.. she said yes, and that was when i knew i had to get out. How could someone be happy living like this for the rest of our life's, the rest of my life. I tried to talk to her, and she told me if i had an issues then i needed to work on myself as she was fine with it, i even asked for MC, but again i had the problems and she did not.

now, going through the divorce, it took 20 months as she could not get it into her head this was really happening, she lost 2 attorneys ( They Quit on her ) because she keep doing what she wanted and not listening to them. In the end, she told me that it was OK, as i was going to divorce you anyways (Remember high school ?)..

My daughter has rebounded very well, i knew she would as she is a very bright kid, has 2 great parents (yes i said 2) and we seem to be ok with the co-parenting her. 
I am glad i did what i did when i did it, as i could not go another yr like that.

One thing i will say is that her mother has a finical burden with debt that she has, and sometimes my daughter will stop by for money as her mom cant afford a lot of things for her any longer, I still think she is living like there are 2 incomes.

So after that little rant (and i am sorry) i say yes, there are things you can do to get to the spot you are looking for.. PAY OFF DEBT.. i know easier said then done, if you have high CC, get a personal loan with a lower APR and pay them off. Sell stuff, i had a hard time thinking what i could sell, but i did. I owned the house before we married, so after they left the house and the divorce was final, i sold it, moved into something smaller and paid all my debt off the best i could. My Credit score after the divorce was in the HIGH 600(Ya,very sucky) and i just checked last night and i am sitting at a HIGH 700 now.

I think i can go on and on about this... It can be done, as with mine with out a lot of damage....


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

questions

1. does your wife know of your plan to leave the marriage within two years ?
2. is she willing to find a job to support herself ? (this will help defray some of the alimony cost)
3. does she also refrain from speaking ill of you as well ?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

What are the fractures in your M that make it irreparable?


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