# Husband does not acknowledge our son (4 months), and lashed out at me when I pointed



## Aerobic24 (Feb 4, 2019)

Hi everyone, I am a new poster here looking to get some advice on how to navigate a situation that it's only getting worse.

I had our son 4 months ago who is our first child, to say my husband is not involved with him at this point would be an under statement. 

I get up with him every night he starts to cry to comfort him, change him, feed him (he's not on solids yet anyway), play with him, everything.

Now my husband works, I currently do not have a job, so I do not mind doing almost all the work, but he just does not do enough for him. He comes home, sometimes without even ACKNOWLEDGING him, eats, watches sports/do something else. The most he does is hold him sometimes or has him near him. When I see my son with him, he (my son) does not look comfortable with him. I personally believe it is due to my husband just ignoring him literally. 

We come from a middle eastern background, so he expects me to do everything for him. Yet that's not an excuse for him to just not acknowledge him. Sometimes I just try to put my son near him just so my husband would play with him or anything, most of the time he just stands there or doesn't even pay attention. 

I brought this up to him and he says i'm being ridiculous. I don't believe I am, this is HIS son. He needs to be a caring father towards him and not ignore him. 

He got pissed at me and saying I'm just looking for a fight.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you know you husband's parents? Is his father involved with his own children?

You have let your husband know how you feel about this. I suggest not nagging him about it cause he is turning your words around on you. 

Instead you need to decide what you are willing to live with. Are you willing to live your life with a man who treats you like the maid and a nanny?

Did you have a career or job before this?


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## Aerobic24 (Feb 4, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Do you know you husband's parents? Is his father involved with his own children?
> 
> You have let your husband know how you feel about this. I suggest not nagging him about it cause he is turning your words around on you.
> 
> ...


Yes I do know his parents, his father was involved in his children, but I am not sure if he was like how my husband has been acting. The plan was for our son to get a little older before I could pursue what I would like to do with my life (I really do not want to be a STAHM the rest of my life).


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I don't really know what to advise, I mostly just wanted to post to say I read this and I'm sorry you're going through this. I think it's possible that some people just do not relate to infants and hopefully your husband's attitude will change as your son gets older.

What was your husband's attitude prior to the birth? Did he seem really eager/excited about the baby? Did you ever discuss his involvement? 

Don't do this now, give him some more time, but I would be tempted to tell your husband that his disinterest is not what you expected and you are sorry you didn't realize it in advance because you would not have married him and started a family with him if you had. As it stands, you love him very much but do not want to have more children with him.

Prior to your son, was your husband affectionate with you? For example if you used to sit cuddled up on the couch together, maybe you can do that now but bring the baby with you so your husband is kind of cuddled up with both of you.

Also, I have heard that a lot of men feel ignored after children come. It seems kind of soon for that, but if you can try to give your husband as much wifely attention as possible that might help if he is feeling pushed aside by the baby.

Hopefully your husband's attitude will change as your son gets a little older but you must feel very disappointed and worried right now.







Aerobic24 said:


> Hi everyone, I am a new poster here looking to get some advice on how to navigate a situation that it's only getting worse.
> 
> I had our son 4 months ago who is our first child, to say my husband is not involved with him at this point would be an under statement.
> 
> ...


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I am sorry Aerobic, but your husband's disinterest could be the prelude to child abuse. He may resent the child, and in your absence, might abuse in some way. Kids pick on this in a hurry, and that might be why the child seems uncomfortable around your H. I know a grandpa who is crazy about the grandson, and the latter follows him around everywhere.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I would suggest counselling.

Your husband may not be sure how to be a dad.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM.

Indeed this would be so very disappointing. Answers to the other questions above would certinaly help us, to in turn help you. I have a couple more questions.

-Are you breastfeeding?

-On days that he is not working, does he change diapers, rock the baby when he’s fussy, comfort him at night (when he is not working the next morning)etc? If not, why not?

If you are breastfeeding I know some men feel there is not really much they can do, as infants mostly want mama and food, and you hold the key to both. That is not an excuse, but a factor.

I also respect that if you are currently the SAHM, it is reasonable that you get up with him during the night. If he is unhelpful on nights he doesn’t have to get up early for work, because he feels this is culturally “woman’s work”, and if you do not agree with this (I don’t) then you need to tell him you need his help on those nights.

Also, when he comes home from work and sits to watch sports, hand him his son, and go do some of the millions of things you need to do that can’t be done with a baby in your arms. Start establishing new habits, with it the way you want it to be. Give him the baby with a full tummy and go take a bubble bath or at the very least a shower each night. 

Make sure you are not hovering over him, nervous that he doesn’t know what to do. If he doesn’t, he needs to learn, or this will only get worse. 

Since you have already verbalized your concerns and got a lame response, make some changes happen. Start handing him that baby.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It could just be nerves, many men are afraid of babies. It could be lack of interest, many men don't care about babies and only care when the kid is older and interacting. Or he could just be a jerk. Is he cold or withdrawn in other areas of your life?

And I agree, this is one area where you have to be the strong one and just HAND HIM the baby and leave the room. Go do other things. Go take a bath. Go shopping. Assuming he's not a bad guy, he'll grow into it.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Aerobic24 said:


> Hi everyone, I am a new poster here looking to get some advice on how to navigate a situation that it's only getting worse.
> 
> I had our son 4 months ago who is our first child, to say my husband is not involved with him at this point would be an under statement.
> 
> ...


The RED highlighted part indicate that your husband does acknowledge his son in a limited way but your post on the whole suggest that his acknowledgement is not up to your expectations.

Some men are not into spending much time with babies; at most, brief periods of cuddling behavior is expected from them.

Too early to be alarmed IMHO, but you can talk to your husband about this matter when he is in the mood and let him know that you expect him to bond with your son at some point. Start with giving him your son's feeder to wash for you as bare minimum.

Secondly, is your husband overworked or feeling tired when at home? This could be an issue as well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe as overworked and tired as the mother - who still gets it all done...


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> The RED highlighted part indicate that your husband does acknowledge his son in a limited way but your post on the whole suggest that his acknowledgement is not up to your expectations.
> 
> *Some men are not into spending much time with babies*; at most, brief periods of cuddling behavior is expected from them.
> 
> ...


Sorry, but this is nonsense. This isn't 1950.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Sorry, but this is nonsense. This isn't 1950.


You are entitled to your opinion but people are different everywhere in this age as well.

Some men are into cuddling and even taking care of babies like a mother would, and some are not even close in this respect. Nobody can force a man to spend a great deal of time with his baby if he does not want to.

Best course of action is for the wife to let her man know how she feels about this matter, and that her husband should try to spend more time with her baby. 

My father did not bond much with my elder brother but he bonded with me. People are complex beings.



turnera said:


> Maybe as overworked and tired as the mother - who still gets it all done...


Mothers are biologically wired for taking care of their babies no matter what; my wife's stamina continue to surprise me in this regard. I can bet on the fact that she can carry our girl for much longer than I can.

Job-related pressures can be exceedingly stressful at times and can cause semi-depression (could be a bad boss). Everybody does not work in Google for instance.

Not making excuses for the husband here but some people are being overtly-judgmental about him without being in his shoes or having adequate understanding of his mindset. My assessment is spot on because I am speaking with experience.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> You are entitled to your opinion but people are different everywhere in this age as well.
> 
> Some men are into cuddling and even taking care of babies like a mother would, and some are not even close in this respect. Nobody can force a man to spend a great deal of time with his baby if he does not want to.
> 
> ...



It just gets worse and worse.....

Look, I don't know if the husband is a jerk or just nervous. But the idea that women are wired for this stuff and men aren't, and bless their hearts THEIR stress is realer....

I'm surprised you can't SEE why that is just....no


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> It just gets worse and worse.....
> 
> Look, I don't know if the husband is a jerk or just nervous. But the idea that women are wired for this stuff and men aren't, and bless their hearts THEIR stress is realer....
> 
> I'm surprised you can't SEE why that is just....no


*Every* relationship have its share of problems, and there will be good phases and bad phases during the course of this journey. I do not subscribe to the notion that things will [always] turn out for the worse. A partner should be hopeful and facilitating.

Women [are] biologically wired for taking care of their children (more-so then men on average), or do you think that men and women are 100% same and equally capable in all roles? This is FALSE. But each individual is different personality-wise, and as I pointed out earlier that some men are very good in nurturing capacities and some not.

I also gave you the analogy of my father in this respect. People are complex beings; not black-and-white bots.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> You are entitled to your opinion but people are different everywhere in this age as well.
> 
> Some men are into cuddling and even taking care of babies like a mother would, and some are not even close in this respect. *Nobody can force a man to spend a great deal of time with his baby if he does not want to.
> *



But its OK that the mother then has the entire responsibility forced upon her.... and thats acceptable, THATS ok, right?? Her having to take on the entire workload because the man is a whiny piece of selfish crap is ok right?? Am I understanding this right? I mean she is just a woman, so....

These men shouldnt become fathers if this is how they are. They dont get a pass just because they are men! 




LeGenDary_Man said:


> Not making excuses for the husband here but some people are being overtly-judgmental about him without being in his shoes or having adequate understanding of his mindset. My assessment is spot on because I am speaking with experience.


Wife gets zero choice here then right? Screw HER mindset and where SHE is coming from, right? Poor poor husband getting called out for being a useless ass. Just let him sit there and play video games and drink beer.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> But its OK that the mother then has the entire responsibility forced upon her.... and thats acceptable, THATS ok, right?? Her having to take on the entire workload because the man is a whiny piece of selfish crap is ok right?? Am I understanding this right? I mean she is just a woman, so....
> 
> These men shouldnt become fathers if this is how they are. They dont get a pass just because they are men!
> 
> ...


I think you are overreacting, or misunderstood my POV. Please spare me your anger.

Every individual and relationship dynamic is different from the other; compromises will vary accordingly.

If wife is SAHM and husband is working then what is wrong with the wife giving her all to child-rearing? And how is the husband being a useless ass when he is providing for his family? 

In this case, the husband is not bonding with his baby, and reasons are at best unknown; he might not be the cuddling-type, and/or he might be under stress. However, this dynamic is just 4 months old.

What should the wife do in this case? FOLLOWING is my advice for now:

_"Too early to be alarmed IMHO, but you can talk to your husband about this matter when he is in the mood and let him know that you expect him to bond with your son at some point. Start with giving him your son's feeder to wash for you as bare minimum."_

If the wife is unable to cope with the pressures of child-rearing on her own then the couple should consider hiring a MAID. 

OR

The wife can threaten her husband with consequences, but this posture may or may not bear fruit (some men are not moved by threats). Up to the wife to decide her course-of-action, and she is receiving advice from different members in this respect.

Perhaps the husband will consider bonding with his child at some point, but his issues are not clear to us at this stage. The fundamental complaint in this case is about a wife's EXPECTATIONS OF BONDING from her man with their child; this problem can be sorted out but patience is necessary.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> But its OK that the mother then has the entire responsibility forced upon her.... and thats acceptable, THATS ok, right?? Her having to take on the entire workload because the man is a whiny piece of selfish crap is ok right?? Am I understanding this right? I mean she is just a woman, so....
> 
> These men shouldnt become fathers if this is how they are. They dont get a pass just because they are men!
> 
> ...


In fairness, that's *not* what he said. 

So you are getting angry over something that you extrapolated that he might have really meant?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> I think you are overreacting, or misunderstood my POV. Please spare me your anger.
> 
> Every individual and relationship dynamic is different from the other; compromises will vary accordingly.
> 
> ...


So do tell what your wife thinks of your "inability" to bond or take care of chores?

fwiw, if a woman is a SAHM, sure, her 'job' is keeping the house in order. But in this _century_ in English-speaking countries, men are expected to either share in the workload or at the very least share in the childrearing. It's not 1950.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

turnera said:


> fwiw, if a woman is a SAHM, sure, her 'job' is keeping the house in order. But in this _century_ in English-speaking countries, men are expected to either share in the workload or at the very least share in the childrearing. It's not 1950.


I believe that any good father will share in the workload or at the very least share in the child-rearing process, and this behavior is not exclusive to English-speaking countries only (not sure why you even felt the need to mention this bit). A father has a crucial role to play in the upbringing of his children in majority of cultures worldwide.

The husband [in question] is not bonding with his BABY SON in the manner he should or as per the expectations of his wife - why he is not bonding with his BABY SON is not clear to anybody here but I pointed out two potential factors which might be shaping his behavior ([1] work-related stress and/or [2] mindset). Of-course, I do not know for sure if these two factors are valid in his case; only his wife can confirm or deny my assumptions. Nevertheless, do you think that the husband would bond with his BABY SON *overnight* because his wife expect him to? His wife needs to find out why he is acting in this way, and how to facilitate his bonding process with their child. I believe that we should wait for the wife to provide greater insight about this issue.

Child-rearing is a LENGTHY COURSE OF ACTIVITY, and we are talking about a man who has not bonded with his 4 month old baby _yet_; it is a bit premature to assert that he will not be into child-rearing for indefinite period. If the child was like 4 years old, and the father had not bonded with him by now, then this would be a cause of concern and your stance might be applicable. I believe that some men are likely to bond with their children at a later stage then others. 

I shall rephrase my point for greater clarity: child-rearing arrangements are not 50/50 between husband and wife in any household by DEFAULT. This dynamic is most likely to vary from household to household, and a dynamic which works for one couple may not work for another, but in each case, a mother should do her best (you disagree?). Nevertheless, this is a matter that parents have to sort out on their own eventually; we are talking about ADULTS here, right?



turnera said:


> So do tell what your wife thinks of your "inability" to bond or take care of chores?


Is this directed towards me? I do not feel inclined to explain my way of life to you, or to any other member here. I have may fair share of compromises in my relationship but their are matters in which I do not budge (mindset factor).


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Aerobic24 do you ever take time away from the baby where your husband is forced to watch him for a few hours? If not, I suggest you start doing it immediately. 

Find somewhere to go each evening after your spouse gets home from work. Go to the gym, take a walk outside, go window shopping, heck take to the car to the nearest shopping center parking lot and take a nap for an hour. This is time your husband can bond with his son. 

Some men will voluntarily enter fatherhood. Others have to have their arm twisted. And yet a few will never ever take to it. I recommend you figure out which of the latter categories your husband belongs to. You don't want to be having more kids with him if he's one of those men who believes his job as a father was done as soon as he ejaculated in you.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

In my humble opinion, it’s unfortunate that babies do not come with manuals on how to raise them and what is needed from both parents.

In my case, I’ve a blended family of 8 children and although some have not been with me as babies, they are no less loved than the ones I fathered.

That being said, at 4 months I would not be overly concerned about the father. Some fathers are scared spitless at the thought of picking up or even touching their own children.

As someone else posted, I would be concerned if this attitude carried on longer when the child begins move around, walking, talking, my proudest moment was when their first words were “dada”. If he is not interested in the baby by then, I would definitely take issue.

Sadly, it’s not just what I’ve been like with my children, but others in the field I chose many years ago to work in where not only fathers, but mothers would not want anything to do with their own children.

Be aware and watch the progress, don’t let it be totally rugswept. Knowing that from what you have posted, that you are a nurturing mother, I imagine you will be watching and acting accordingly. 

Best wishes 

OT


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I keep seeing the term BABY SON capitalized, as if what a man does when his child is a baby is not important. maybe do some scientific digging and educate yourself.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> I keep seeing the term BABY SON capitalized, as if what a man does when his child is a baby is not important. maybe do some scientific digging and educate yourself.


I am a father as well, and I understand my responsibilities very well. 

But as a man, I understand the mindset of men more so then women on average. You took offense with following statement in particular:

_"Some men are not into spending much time with babies; at most, brief periods of cuddling behavior is expected from them."_

- but this is true. Several members have pointed out this reality in this thread but you conveniently overlooked their input.

*[1]* https://abcnews.go.com/Health/MindMoodNews/story?id=7798274&page=1

*[2]* https://www.parents.com/parenting/dads/sad-dads/

I even provided the analogy of my father. He did not bond with my elder brother (his 1st born) but he bonded with me even when I was just a baby (his 2nd born). And this isn't a tale of 1950s.

Education time indeed.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I think the suggestion of the OP spending some time outside the home is a good one. For one thing, moms of young kids need to recharge. They need to talk to grownups. Going to dinner with women friends or having her hair done would be a great thing. It also does give Dad alone time with the baby. I wonder sometimes if men would be less nervous spending time with their baby outside of mama's view. I think sometimes Moms criticize the way they change the baby or hold the baby, etc. and then wonder why Dad doesn't do much. NOT saying the OP is doing this, just wondering out loud.

I know one of the best things I ever did for me and for my kids' dad was go to a church ladies' retreat when my oldest was almost 3 and my youngest was 8 or 9 months. It was two Friday afternoon through Sunday morning. Not only did their dad get a lot of good time with them (they played, took baths, went to the park, etc.), he also appreciated the 24/7 nature of taking care of young children more - something I sense many men do not quite "get."

I have to say that the kids' dad was a great, involved dad pretty much from day one, even though I nursed them. He was also not under the impression that he was an expert and I was a peon  At least not about that lol


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## boygirlmom (Feb 25, 2019)

Hi, I have experience with this. My husband didn't really bond like I thought he would with our first. I was a breastfeeding mom, so I figured it was mainly up to me anyway in the beginning. He would hold him and be there but only if I couldn't, (like when I went back to work.) But time went on and if I was around, he really wouldn't make an effort to bond or play. (Not sure how he was when I was gone. I stopped working when my son was 3 and he is 6 now)

Some of you know my story, how my husband just recently accepted he has depression, so that may have been what prevented him from truly bonding...

However, it was sad to experience. There's things I wish I would have said, cause now my son does not have a very good relationship with Dad. Dad was Snappy and irritable towards our son as he got older, so that could have also been a factor of why they haven't bonded like my son and I have. My husband never really had the patience.

My advice: be specific as you can. Would you like him to make the baby laugh to help bond? Share the diaper changing duties? Give a bath when he is home or when he can? Some men need specifics more than "I need you to bond with the baby." 

Also I get that the baby is still young. However in my opinion, the bonding habits start now. Four months quickly turns to 6, then a year then two. Anyone who has kids can tell you they grow up fast. Before you know it, they are old enough to understand. And they are smarter then we give them credit for, they will absolutely notice dad's lack of affection or involvement. That will affect the child, no matter how much effort you put in yourself. It will be helpful to make up the slack, it will be better than two uninvolved parents; but sadly they will notice in time. 

***This is why communication is so important. if you are able to communicate your concerns and have a mature conversation on your expectations, then great! I hope the bond gets better with dad.if however, it does not go so well....I don't think much will change. I hope I'm wrong, but like I said in my experience 4 months becomes a toddler before you know it. And bonding habits that have already developed will stay as the child gets older, so I think it's important that he tries now so he knows what's expected of him.

Good luck 👍 and good job being a good involved mom. It's so important, even for a baby.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Communication is so important. If the two of you cannot safely tell each other what you're feeling or thinking, you don't have much of a relationship. Key word = safely. Never use words like 'you never' - how would YOU feel if your spouse tells you 'you never...'? Defensive, right? The trick is to BE - and STAY - a team.


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