# Dazed and Confused...



## Stressed out and confused (Apr 23, 2014)

So here goes…I am a 45 year old male on my 3rd marriage. I have 2 topics that I would appreciate input on. 

1.	Religion
2.	Money

I have been married for 1.5 years.

My wife is catholic and I am Methodist (by baptism only, not big church guy). Before I was married my wife told me that in no way would she ever leave her Catholic faith. I did not have an issue with this. I must be honest here and tell you that I am somewhat “anti-Catholic”. 

My grandfather and great grand-father were Orangemen and I am also an Orangeman. This said, I told my current wife that I didn’t have a problem going to her church once in a while and then we can go to my Presbyterian church once in a while.
This has been going ok until recently. 

I am not getting anything out of her church and me going up for communion because I feel like an outcast if I don’t, is making me feel like a hypocrite. So last Saturday before Easter we went to her church and it was 2.5 hours long. Towards the end I told her I didn’t want to go up for communion. She then decided to leave early with an attitude before she got the chance for communion herself and caused a huge fight.

Yes, I told her in the dating days that I would give her religion a chance, but it’s not doing anything for me. So do we continue going to 2 different churches or find a catholic that I can tolerate?

Money – 

So in Dec 2012 my wife quit her job. To date she has been unemployed other than a years’ worth of unemployment for 2013 and now babysitting that brings in 180.00 per week. She has 3 children from her marriage and I have 2. Add water instant Brady Bunch.

We still pay for her 20 year old daughter’s cell phone and personal loan (which I don’t agree) who goes to college full time. Her 23 year old is on her own and constantly needing money due to her over extending herself on her car and student loans.

Her son, who lives out of state, needs money. We just sent him 500.00 for help with a car. Just spend almost 200.00 for senior pictures…will be sending him 400.00 for a flight home for his grad party and then the 1500.00 for the grad party. Plus we are flying to his grad ceremony that cost 600.00 airfare..hotel which I haven’t yet booked…and rental car; not to mention dinners. Did I mention the child at college needs a car?

I am living paycheck to paycheck draining our small savings account. My wife drives a newer car I bought her so I am paying for her car, insurance, gas as well as my 21 year old truck.

I have not even mentioned that I am paying $1000.00 per month child support for my 2 kids as well as “dad can you do this and dad can you do this stuff”.

Anyway, this stress has caused me to start taking Cialis as my mind (and other parts) can’t focus.

Any help would be great. Thanks.....


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

1. I was raised Catholic although I have somewhat strayed. Anyway, it's a rule that if you are not a practicing Catholic in good standing, you cannot participate in Communion. She should know that. If she doesn't, you might want to enlighten her. You can refuse to participate on those grounds.

2. Just say "no". Seriously. You are not obligated to pick up the tab for her children if you can't afford it. It really is that simple (I think).

She might not like either response, however, such is life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Religion: You should not be taking Communion if you aren't Catholic.

Money: Her kids = her financial responsibility. She can get a job and support them as you do yours. Or, her ex can fork over the money.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You can say no. You have a say, and a choice in how your life together runs. She sounds like she's used to having it all her way and that's not a marriage. You are partly responsible for her attitude because you've been going along with it without much protesting. 

Go to church where you want to go to church. Pray for your wife. Change comes when you change first.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you've been married for 1.5 years, and your wife has been unemployed for about what, 90% of that. Hmmm. What are the odds? Have you had any discussions with her about finances? How do those go? Doesn't the father of her children contribute to their costs? And how old are all the kids? So far, I've got 23 and 20...

How long did you date before getting married? How well did you know her? How well did she support herself before you?

I've got nothing on the religious side... It's all a fairy tale to me, so pick Hans Christian Anderson over Aesop, and call it a day. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stressed out and confused (Apr 23, 2014)

PBear said:


> So you've been married for 1.5 years, and your wife has been unemployed for about what, 90% of that. Hmmm. What are the odds? Have you had any discussions with her about finances? How do those go? Doesn't the father of her children contribute to their costs? And how old are all the kids? So far, I've got 23 and 20...
> 
> How long did you date before getting married? How well did you know her? How well did she support herself before you?
> 
> ...


PBear - Discussions about finances= She was a stay at home mom with no college. So finding another decent job has been almost impossible at her age (45).

The father of her 3 children refuses to contribute, communicate and has essentially wrote them off. A total piece of crap.

Her kids are 17, 20 and 23.

She was a financial mess before I met her. Her X left for an out of state affair and never looked back. Left her and her 3 kids homeless.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stressed out and confused said:


> PBear - Discussions about finances= She was a stay at home mom with no college. So finding another decent job has been almost impossible at her age (45).
> 
> The father of her 3 children refuses to contribute, communicate and has essentially wrote them off. A total piece of crap.
> 
> ...


So you came galloping in on your white horse, and now you're wondering why you're being treated as an ATM? Sorry, dude. There's no easy way out of this one...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Read "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" by Dr. William Harley....

...I think you may have hooked yourself to a freeloader...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

How was she taking care of herself financially before you came along? 
How long did it take you to help her 'fix' it and volunteer your resources toward her problems?

She managed before you came along. She isn't pulling her weight.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Stressed out and confused said:


> So finding another decent job has been almost impossible at her age (45)


Maybe she shouldn't have quit her job then. 



Stressed out and confused said:


> To date she has been unemployed other than a years’ worth of unemployment for 2013


I wasn't aware that if you quit your job you can get unemployment.

Anyway, she's not working and you're supporting her and her kids. 

Too bad you didn't post your story BEFORE you got married for the third time. 

Don't see any way out of this mess.

Stop paying for her kids, that's a good start.


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## LifeIsAJourney (Jan 24, 2013)

Non-practicing Catholic here. 

Were you married in the Catholic church? To do so you both would have had to have your prior marriages annulled. If that hasn't happened then she cannot receive communion as she is still married to her first husband in the eyes of the church. And you can't receive unless you have gone through RCIA and are a Catholic. 

Changing Catholic churches might help but since all are liturgical (same order of mass, same message, goes by a calendar) the major differences between parishes would be the pastor and the church community. I miss my old church since moving to a new community. I rarely go to mass because I don't like the priest and I don't particularly care for the people. 

Separate churches might be your best bet. 

As for your step kids, your wife's ex should still be footing the bill for the 17 year old. The 23 year old is an adult and should be cut loose. If she over extends herself then that is her problem to solve. The 20 year old college student might need some help but at least some of that should come from her dad. Time for some tough love. And your wife needs to get a job. 

Did you two not discuss any of this before you got married? :scratchhead:


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## IGSIMB (Dec 17, 2013)

PBear said:


> So you came galloping in on your white horse, and now you're wondering why you're being treated as an ATM? Sorry, dude. There's no easy way out of this one...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To be honest I do see a red flag for someone who has been married more than 2 times.. I mean sh*t happens but more than twice? 

1. Religion, there is your problem, some rules that you have to fallow, look what that has gotten you. Religion why you got married 3 times? Just live together. Live together at least 5 years before marriage. 

2. 50% is your fault, you married her, now, the other 50%, enlighten her! For me it was in my early 20's that I needed my H to tell me how it was (he is nearly 10 years older) he got me out of my fantasy land and reality as harsh as it might be suits me better. Your wife is in her 40's. It might be too late. 

I am a waitress, pays the bills and more. I have middle aged co-workers. Tell your wife to find a job. 

Tell your her kids to find a job. 

The answers are here, but you knew them before anyway.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Religion issue - you gave it a shot/fair chance. Did she give a fair shot to your religion? You compromised, has she?

If it continues to be an issue, simply do your thing and let her do her thing. Leave it at that.

Personally, I wouldn't date anyone that's serious about religion...but that's just me

On the money issue. Completely cut them off. They are mature/adults and need to be able to take care of themselves. The longer they rely on your and your wife, the longer they will take to mature/be able to take care of themselves.

Call them directly an tell them that last check was THE LAST check and not a penny more. Also tell them that you do expect them to return the money they owe! (nicely of course).

You are currently enabling them!!!! STOP IT!!!!

As for her car, she hasn't found a job and you guys live paycheck to paycheck. It's time to sell the car and get something used/cheaper.....CLEARLY. You simply can't afford a new car payment anymore due to her not working.

If she doesn't agree with any of the above, simply tell her you are moving to 50/50 finances. She has to cover her half and you cover your half. Tell her you expect 1/2 the finances within 2 months (I think that's pretty reasonable).

At the end of the day, if she is not willing to work, this marriage will probably not work out. 

Has she actually looked for a job? As in, WORK to find a job.

Many people don't realize that looking for a job IS A FULL TIME JOB!!!

Good luck


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Religion - Stop going to Catholic church services. Tell her that you believe that being religious is important and there's two ways to solve this. Either you alternate services or explain that you will go to your church and she can go to hers.

Finances - BUDGET. Write one out. Cash in, cash out. And when it comes to credit cards, don't put "credit card" as a cash out. Itemize each credit card into the type of expenses they are.

Discuss the budget and see where money can be saved. If there are no savings you need to point to the bottom line and say "There are six people in this family. Only one is bringing in cash. That has to change or the budget has to change."

If necessary, reduce availability to cash and credit so that you can keep a tighter rein on it. It may be possible to allocate some money for the kids on a weekly basis and tell your wife to save it for when they need it because that's all there is in the budget.

And as others said, "No" is a perfectly acceptable answer.


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## Stressed out and confused (Apr 23, 2014)

I will try to answer your good comments:

She has gone to my church a few times. Told me she dont get it, but goes anyway.

Her poor financial was before me, but during our dating I bailed her out so she would not loose her home. She ended up letting the bank take it anyway. I'm dumb.

I wish you could understand her X. He left her (East Coast) for California 9 years ago and never looked back. Left her with 3 young kids and a dog. Sounds like a country song...

I guess I just confirmed I's the dumb ass ...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Stressed out and confused said:


> I will try to answer your good comments:
> 
> She has gone to my church a few times. Told me she dont get it, but goes anyway.
> 
> ...


Not dumb. Just a nice guy. There's a book out there you should read about just this type of thing. No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. You should read it, it will give you clarity on MANY things. Her situation with her X was unfortunate, but it was not your problem to solve. Same thing with the house. 

Read the book and get perspective. You can turn things around here.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

A Bit Much said:


> Not dumb. Just a nice guy. There's a book out there you should read about just this type of thing. No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. You should read it, it will give you clarity on MANY things. Her situation with her X was unfortunate, but it was not your problem to solve. Same thing with the house.
> 
> Read the book and get perspective. You can turn things around here.


This, OR you can just save yourself time/money and simply isolate yourself from people that try to take advantage of "nice guys".

To me, those are the worse type of people. And no I wouldn't marry one or continue to be married to such person.

You take advantage of my kindness and you are no longer the part of my life.

Simple as that.


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