# Get over it...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I think my husband is living a different reality to me. It would be funny if it wasn't so troublesome.

What he sees... I haven't initiated sex for a long time (months) really. I do not do the stuff I used to do to entice him like dress up in sexy lingerie and wait in the bedroom. My way of initiating is either "do you want an early night?" or me saying I'm going to bed because there's no point staying up with him as nothing is going to happen.

He feels he can't say no without me being very upset. Does not appear to accept that I have a need to know I am desirable to him which I have articulated. Says I should "get over myself" when I explain how his frequent rejections have impacted on my self-esteem and has stopped me wanting to initiate as much for fear of rejection.

How I see it...?

I did used to be more "out there" by ways to initiate. I have allways been sexually confident like that. I did stop doing that stuff. I can tell you, it doesn't get much more humiliating than to be fooling around with your husband, confidently climb astride him only for him to say "what are you doing? I didn't want to do THAT."

In my head I want to do those things because I know he likes them. My heart is wounded from being rejected so much and the thought that I could appear in sexy lingerie at the door and he'd just go "sorry babe I'm not in the mood."

I *do* take "no" personally. He is never nice about it. I usually get a lecture as well about why it is stupid of me to ask.

The rejections have hurt. They have impacted my esteem. It allways turns into what he wants sexually. Whilst I have been more than happy previously to tend to his needs and wants, it makes me so sad inside to know he is looking at me like "why can't she be bothered to do the fun stuff she used to do to initiate any more?" I have told him the answer, that I need him to show his desire for me and initiate too to show me he dies desire me after his EA. It's like he's bored now of my damaged esteem. Thinks he has done his bit now.

I said to him yesterday that I had decided that in order to protect my massively damaged esteem, that I had decided I would no longer initiate. That I had to protect me. That with him being lower drive he could just come to me when he was in the mood.

He nodded silently. I asked if he thought it would have any effects on him to not have me coming to him and expressing desire like I allways have. He just shrugged and scowled. That was it. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Walkingwounded, I'm so sorry that your husband doesn't show an interest towards you. That type of constant rejection deeply eats away at you, I know. It makes you question your self worth and it can cause you agonizing pain. I know all too well. 

Afraid I'm not familiar with your background, and since I have to take off soon I was wondering have you tried a 180? You don't have to pull a full 180, but just focusing on yourself more. Giving yourself more space and putting your mind in a place where it can't be hurt over and over. I've been doing that a bit, no where near a full 180, but I choose to start focusing on me more... and it's actually helped both my wife and I. I've been focusing on my health more, and getting involved in other things that interest me. That's been giving my wife more space and as a result she's been more drawn to me (though I'm sure our counselling and the books we are reading are helping).

You mentioned an EA, have you two been to a therapist since it happened?

Are there any physiological issues your husband has? ED? T-count too low?

Again sorry with the basic questions, but have you and your husband really figured out what your love languages are? Perhaps he's not feeling loved in some other way... perhaps that's why he's not as affectionate as he should be?

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

I know I learned some things about my wife from this. It's helped to some degree. I'll be reading the book sometime soon.


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## Introubledeep (Mar 22, 2012)

I don't know enough about your situation to be very helpful, but my thoughts are that it is highly likely that your husband is feeling very resentful towards you over other issues, and he doesn't want to be close to you sexually because he does not feel close to you emotionally. I think there might be other issues in your relationship you need to sort through, and the loss of interest in you sexually is a symptom, not the problem. 

Is he really over the other woman?

I can't imagine that most men would reject their wife sexually simply because she wasn't as playful as she used to be, or she did not initiate sexual intimacy. This is not just a loss of sexual interest in you, I believe that there is almost certainly something else going on here.


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## ohiodude (Jan 25, 2012)

That'll teach him! (with-holding sex.)
But what about YOU? What about your marriage?
Don't you (and him, and both of you) deserve better?
Yes, he is wrong. But so are you. Wouldn't you rather have a win-win? Won't be easy or quick. But worth it? 




walkingwounded said:


> I think my husband is living a different reality to me. It would be funny if it wasn't so troublesome.
> 
> What he sees... I haven't initiated sex for a long time (months) really. I do not do the stuff I used to do to entice him like dress up in sexy lingerie and wait in the bedroom. My way of initiating is either "do you want an early night?" or me saying I'm going to bed because there's no point staying up with him as nothing is going to happen.
> 
> ...


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## lemonsthird (May 6, 2012)

You know I told my spouse the same thing - after approximately 50 or so rejections (and nine months of no sex) - I didn't say it as nicely - I told him I would rather swallow my own tongue then ask. And for the record, that's not refusing sex - it's refusing lay down in the middle of the road for the next car to run you over.....


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Walkingwounded, I'm so sorry that your husband doesn't show an interest towards you. That type of constant rejection deeply eats away at you, I know. It makes you question your self worth and it can cause you agonizing pain. I know all too well.
> 
> Afraid I'm not familiar with your background, and since I have to take off soon I was wondering have you tried a 180? You don't have to pull a full 180, but just focusing on yourself more. Giving yourself more space and putting your mind in a place where it can't be hurt over and over. I've been doing that a bit, no where near a full 180, but I choose to start focusing on me more... and it's actually helped both my wife and I. I've been focusing on my health more, and getting involved in other things that interest me. That's been giving my wife more space and as a result she's been more drawn to me (though I'm sure our counselling and the books we are reading are helping).
> 
> ...


I've tackled all the issues you raise Browncoat.

Mild 180 = check. Does make him pull closer a little.

MC = check. For a short while last year not long after his EA. Seemed to go well. Had no sex issues at the time so it was never discussed.

Physiological issues = no ED. At this point he won't see a doctor to get a yearly check. I haven't specifically mentioned getting his T checked but would bring this up when he is happy to go for a check.

Love languages = done. When we did it last year his came up with Acts of Service. We did it again last week and it has come up jointly Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. I suspected this. He alludes a lot to remembering thing I have said in the past that he has taken to heart. In particular last year after his EA in a particularly angry moment I told him he was "pathetic" for being so weak. He is not one to harbor resentment or bad feelings but he has never forgotten me saying this. It seems to have really wounded him.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Have you tried being agressive and pulling his clothes off and starting him off with oral sex? I understand this may be a bit too aggressive but would he still reject these type of advances?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Introubledeep said:


> I don't know enough about your situation to be very helpful, but my thoughts are that it is highly likely that your husband is feeling very resentful towards you over other issues, and he doesn't want to be close to you sexually because he does not feel close to you emotionally. I think there might be other issues in your relationship you need to sort through, and the loss of interest in you sexually is a symptom, not the problem.
> 
> Is he really over the other woman?
> 
> I can't imagine that most men would reject their wife sexually simply because she wasn't as playful as she used to be, or she did not initiate sexual intimacy. This is not just a loss of sexual interest in you, I believe that there is almost certainly something else going on here.


A lot of the time he acts like it's a chore. Another thing on his list of "things to do that I don't really want to." This reaction is may be 80% of the time I have initiated over the last few months. It's a completely different story when he's in the mood. Then? It's like all of a sudden sex is the most wonderful thing in the world!

His recent thing is that it's the way I initiate. I admit that recently I had *really* toned it down and that it was probably scattered with a defeatist tone, like "I'm asking you but I'm sure you're going to say no so I'm not really going to put my heart in to it" sorta initiation. Yeah being candid I can see that is probably not a turn on. But then again neither was what I was doing before that so seemed kinda redundant to carry on with it no?



ohiodude said:


> That'll teach him! (with-holding sex.)
> But what about YOU? What about your marriage?
> Don't you (and him, and both of you) deserve better?
> Yes, he is wrong. But so are you. Wouldn't you rather have a win-win? Won't be easy or quick. But worth it?


I would rather have a win-win. Of course. I simply do not know what to do to achieve that that I haven't yet done. I am not stupid, I know him. I know that me not initiating will eventually start to have an effect upon him. But me not initiating has been a genuine attempt to protect my esteem. I have boldly carried on through for a while and it just hasn't worked. His telling me I should get over it: I tried that. I continued initiating even when he started turning me down. And carried on. And on. I have tried numerous approaches. But part of the problem is that he just can not-or will not-do anything to help me with my esteem in this area. He judges me by his standards. He is very much a "get on with life" type of guy. A lot of stuff to him is just water off a duck's back. He just marches on. He has real trouble understanding that I am more sensitive and for different reasons.



lemonsthird said:


> You know I told my spouse the same thing - after approximately 50 or so rejections (and nine months of no sex) - I didn't say it as nicely - I told him I would rather swallow my own tongue then ask. And for the record, that's not refusing sex - it's refusing lay down in the middle of the road for the next car to run you over.....


I hear you! My situ is slightly different as my H *will* initiate; but wants things on HIS terms nearly all of the time. I sometimes wonder if it is a control mechanism for something.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Aristotle said:


> Have you tried being agressive and pulling his clothes off and starting him off with oral sex? I understand this may be a bit too aggressive but would he still reject these type of advances?


Aristotle, this is the kind of thing you would think a husband would LOVE.

I have done stuff like this before: I have allways been quite "forward" with initiating and prepared to do all sorts of stuff. Aggressive is fine.

He has said a few times recently that if I were to say, even do something like come downstairs in sexy lingerie and nothing else that there is no WAY he would turn me down. What he seems to forget is the many times I have approached him, even really boldly and aggressively, and he TURNED ME DOWN. Ask him and he will have no recollection at all of me doing this. I mentioned above somewhere even where we were fooling around in bed and I took what I thought to be the natural next step and climbed astride him and he looked at me like I was crazy and said he didn't want to do THAT. Climbing off him then was just so humiliating. He can't get his head around why when he has made me feel like that so many times I wouldn't carry on doing exactly the same thing. Why on earth would I?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Aristotle, this is the kind of thing you would think a husband would LOVE.
> 
> I have done stuff like this before: I have allways been quite "forward" with initiating and prepared to do all sorts of stuff. Aggressive is fine.
> 
> He has said a few times recently that if I were to say, even do something like come downstairs in sexy lingerie and nothing else that there is no WAY he would turn me down. What he seems to forget is the many times I have approached him, even really boldly and aggressively, and he TURNED ME DOWN. Ask him and he will have no recollection at all of me doing this. I mentioned above somewhere even where we were fooling around in bed and I took what I thought to be the natural next step and climbed astride him and he looked at me like I was crazy and said he didn't want to do THAT. Climbing off him then was just so humiliating. He can't get his head around why when he has made me feel like that so many times I wouldn't carry on doing exactly the same thing. Why on earth would I?


Have you ever purposelly put on a movie that is "kinda porn" ?? Not one with a plain black cover, but something that is racy?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

deejov said:


> Have you ever purposelly put on a movie that is "kinda porn" ?? Not one with a plain black cover, but something that is racy?


We have done in the past but not recently. I'd say it was worth a try but given I have now resolved to not initiate...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's not a mystery. People aren't motorcycles you kickstart. If they're done, they're done. And the other question is why would you even want to be with someone you had to constantly bandage up and patch together to function halfway normally against their will? Because in truth, few spouses physically push the other away or punch them in the face every time sexual intimacy comes up. They simply piss and moan and complain or pretend to not understand what you want or lay there like it's a lethal injection and make the whole exercise horrible and shameful until you stop or stop asking. You're essentially asking them to fake being normal. I'm not ok with someone faking being normal because I know they're not normal.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I've tackled all the issues you raise Browncoat.
> 
> Mild 180 = check. Does make him pull closer a little.
> 
> ...


I know you're a regular, so sorry about all the regular advice... just wanted to sort of catch up with where you are.

I know this is a touchy question, but any chance he is getting he sexual satisfaction elsewhere?

This could be from excessive porn use or another woman?


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

I didn't read all the posts so forgive me if this is a repeat.
Over 25years my x and I had our spells where she needed and I needed, we took turns. These "spells" would last from a week to years but the point is we both weren't always on the same page when it came to the sexual needs being met. It was when the youngest boy turned 8 that I saw a change and she wanted it more and more, I was so hungry for it we did it all the time. Being married has a lot to do w/ understanding where ur partner is coming from.
Mouse


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