# Need some encouragement



## Panera4 (Nov 1, 2011)

I posted on here awhile back and have been reading the posts and thinking about my situation. My H moved out 3 weeks ago. This came on suddenly. I was shocked. I have checked the phone bill and he has been texting a coworker. Last month I got 200 texts from him, she got 422. He sends me several texts a day usually. Last Wednesday, I checked his facebook page and discovered that he removed me as his wife. I was devastated and called him. He went off on me, told me how he has felt smothered for years, couldn't do anything with his friends, etc, etc. He then called me again after his workday and said he was coming to the house to get the rest of his belongings. He showed up but only picked up a loveseat. So all threat and no action. We have been getting along better now. I am so hurt though that he thinks this way of me. We always have gotten along and I feel like I was a very good wife. I have always worked and kept up a clean house, cooked, taken care of the kids, etc. He has spent 1 night with me each weekend that he's been gone. Sunday night he called twice and we talked for 40 minutes each time. Then he sent me a text that said "at no time are you absent from my mind" and continued to text me until I just had to get some sleep. I don't know what to think. I don't know how he could possibly have time to see the girl he has been texting but what am I to think? Is he just using me? During our phone conversations he told me he missed my cooking and actually complemented me on losing weight. Asked me to go see a movie with him. I want to think the best but today I am just feeling very down. I just feel like crying. Guess I'm looking for some words of encouragement.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry you are in your position. 

Stop looking at the phone bill. You already know what's going on. Change the locks on the house since he moved out. Do not give him a key.

It sounds like he's playing you while he has his affair. Don't let him treat you like this! This is why he removed you from his Facebook. He is showing no remorse for his actions. Don't let him have you and her at the same time!

Take a stand and protect yourself emotionally from any further harm. By now, you realize that divorce is now an option. As scary as that sounds, it's there regardless.

I had an affair, and I know that divorce is an option. I had my wife and my affair partner at the same time. I was having my cake and eating it too. Until I was caught. Now it's over, and I refrain from contact with the OW. Who knows where things will end up.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. But never give him power over you like he has now.

Take control!!!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

HerToo said:


> Sorry you are in your position.
> 
> Stop looking at the phone bill. You already know what's going on. Change the locks on the house since he moved out. Do not give him a key.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Very well said...


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## Panera4 (Nov 1, 2011)

OK, HerToo, I know you are right. It's so hard to actually do it though. He says he wants to work on the marriage. How do I go about that if I shut him out? What did your wife do to shake you up during your affair? I feel as if I will lose him forever if I don't talk to him at all.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Panera4 said:


> OK, HerToo, I know you are right. It's so hard to actually do it though. He says he wants to work on the marriage. How do I go about that if I shut him out? What did your wife do to shake you up during your affair? I feel as if I will lose him forever if I don't talk to him at all.


So much of your story sounds like mine and I am sorry for the pain you must be feeling. 

My wife left me 28 days ago and my emotions have been all over the place. She stops by once a week to gather more stuff. Oddly by your screen name we have had a few lunches together at Panera where one of them she stroked my hair and held my hand. Speak of sending mixed signals. Of course, I Love her, but she keeps hurting me with this moments of hope. I have been doing the 180 about 60%, but am determined to do it 100% now. Still will be tough as we are doing MC together and I want to be open and work on it with her if there is hope. But I need to get my dignity back.

This has been going on for 10 months now after she said she wanted a divorce. I found she had been having regular lunches and emailing a younger guy at work where the grass has been looking greener. Claims they are just friends...

I have been 100% committed to the marriage and she claims to want to repair the marriage, but she is only committed to working on it less than 10% now. I have been trying to give her space, but nothing seems to make her want to show she is really trying or admitting to any of the problem.

Nothing else has worked, so 180 is my advice or you will be plan B like I have been for months.

Best wishes and hang in there!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Getting caught is what shook me up. I've gone through stages of wanting to save the marriage, doubting my worthiness of having her as my wife after what I did and the trust issue that will now never go away that I created, to wanting to leave her because of shame, and much more.

I'm in a phase now where I need to really find out if I love my wife or not. I know it's a bad thought, but I have questions about when did I start to think that my marriage was as good as it was going to get.

I have to be honest, I have two options: Trying to fix the marriage and see what happens, or discovering that I no longer love my wife and need to move on and face the consequences (only 4 people know of the EA).

You need to keep talking. But don't beg. Take it slow. One day at a time. One thing my wife did that bothered me was to try and make plans for something that is over a year away. I told her that I can't see that far yet. Of course, this hurt. But it was clear that the impact of the affair is still very much there despite how much she has forgiven me and wants to move on. I am remorseful. I care for my wife. I'm going to counseling. The future is still unknown for me.

Spend lots of time together, even if it involves very little talking. But touch each other often.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Spend lots of time together, even if it involves very little talking. But touch each other often.


Not sure if this works for all situations. We spent alot of time together and it didn't keep her around. I agree she didn't want to plan anything with me, I did with her agreement, but still she found fault in the nicest of trips. Physical touch is my number 1 love language and she never wanted to even give me the slightest touch even when she knew this. No commitment.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@This is me: I agree that nothing works for everyone. There are times where I wish my wife would just be quiet, and hold my hand. Touch is special to me as well.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Panera, you need to be tougher. 

When your husband comes home (if he does) he needs to know that you won't tolerate sharing him with anyone. If you don't give him this message now and he returns home, you won't be able to trust him. He will know that he can have another affair and you will be waiting.

If you want a life with him, you have to let him go. File for divorce. Tell him you love him, but you won't share him. Make him make a decision. Don't return calls or texts. Work on making yourself the best person you can. Someone he will want. Someone that other men will want.


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## Panera4 (Nov 1, 2011)

SadSamIAm, I know you are right on with the advice you gave. I have got to toughen up. Even my 17 yr old son said to me tonight, Mom, you should just ignore him. Either he wants to live here or not, there's no in between. I can't believe that came from his mouth. It is so sad that so many of us are in this predicament. 

It has only been close to a month that he has been gone. I do feel like there is still hope for us. Not ready for a divorce yet. 

This is me- I am so sorry you are going thru this too. If only they would open their eyes and see what they are leaving behind.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Panera4 said:


> It has only been close to a month that he has been gone. I do feel like there is still hope for us. Not ready for a divorce yet.
> 
> This is me- I am so sorry you are going thru this too. If only they would open their eyes and see what they are leaving behind.


I will be exactly a month this Friday. I like you are clinging to the sliver of hope although mine has dwindled more since she left me. At least she is still doing MC. 

I pray everyday the fog will lift and the real history returns to her and I hope for you as well!

Be strong!


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## jasmine79 (Jul 5, 2010)

I would seriously advise you to do the 180. You are making yourself available for man who is walking all over you. I agree to a previous poster, If you want a life with him, you have to let him go. Tell him you love him, but you won't share him. Make him make a decision. Don't return calls or texts. Work on making yourself the best person you can. 
Tell him you love him, but you won't share him.
Tell him you love him, but you won't share him.
Tell him you love him, but you won't share him.
In so doing, he will know that you love him, but will not lower yourself to the extent of being his option while you are making him your priority.
Start thinking about yourself, and taking care of you and becomming a better person and developing some more self esteem and self worth.
My stbxh also treated me this way, and I stayed with him, begged him to change, to come back to me, but even when he would come back, he would change again into a cheating monster. He left me once again just as I had lost our pregnancy at 22 weeks, to me that was the breaking point, I could do no more begging, crawling, a time had come to take care of me. At the end of the day, love is actions, a person who loves you will treat you right, will respect you and will cherish you.


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