# My husband changed his mind about having children



## concernedwife_10 (Feb 23, 2012)

My husband and I have been married a few months shy of 2 years. When we first got together he told me he didn't want children but the more serious our relationship became he started to change his mind about children. Last night while we were babysitting for a friend he told me he can't handle kids. He said he can't deal with the screaming and crying and has no idea how it doesn't get on my nerves. We have very different family backgrounds...I have a very large close knit family with children of all ages so I am very used to the crying and the mess and I have known I want children ever since I was a child myself. His family isn't big at all and he hasn't ever really been around kids until just recently. He has a bad relationship with his dad because of the way he was treated when he was younger and he is scared that he will be just like him. I understand where he is coming from but the fact that he just now decided he never wants kids came as a shock to me. I know kids aren't easy and I can see why he would be hesitant about it but I still don't know what to think or what to say about it. I am devastated and he knew that what he said upset me very badly so he says that he will have kids with me and just be miserable for the rest of his life...but why would I want that? I love him so much and I couldn't imagine my life without so I told him that if he doesn't want kids that I would just have to deal with it if that's what it takes...but the more I sit and think about it I get more upset about the situation. I'm sorry I am writing so much but I just have so many emotions bottled up and I don't know how to feel or what to say. Has anyone else had to deal with this and if so how did you handle it? I am at a loss right now on what I should do...please help


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Please oh please for the love of God read this entire thread linked below. It's about exactly your situation posted by the guy years later after he acquiesced on having kids.

The two of you have got to be brutally honest with each other about this. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...on/40073-what-if-worst-part-marriage-you.html

The above thread is an example of how badly it can go if one spouse wants kids and another doesn't. Not that someone who thinks they don't want kids can't come to love them once they meet them, but it doesn't always work that way and when it doesn't its ugly.


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## concernedwife_10 (Feb 23, 2012)

I read the thread and all I can say is wow...I don't want that life for him or for me. I couldn't imagine being in that situation. I know he doesn't want children and I would never try and change his mind or force him into having a child he doesn't want. I even explained this to him when he said he would have them and just be miserable. I told him that I would never purposely bring a child into this world knowing half of the person they came from didn't want him or her and he agreed with me that he wouldn't want his child to feel unwanted. I just can't decide to leave a day after this came to light so I am just trying to decide what to do. Do I stay because I love him and bury my maternal feelings and hope they go away or leave and if I'm lucky find someone else I would want to spend the rest of my life with and hope that they feel the same way about children as I do? I could leave him and still be miserable for the rest of my life. Nothing is ever black and white and I feel this situation is a big ol shade of ugly gray...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well if this only happened yesterday you spend a hell of a lot more time talking about it before anyone makes any major life decisions. That thread is a worst case scenario - understand that. It's not at all unusual for a married guy approaching the point of having kids to freak out - that could be all it is - especially if he's never expressed it before. 

So spend some time talking about it - as much as it takes. I don't know the ages of the kids that set him off, but I have two wonderful kids and I can't stand little babies - I just don't have much for them until they're about a year old and can interact - or do more than just sit there or scream. So if he's open minded get some mutual exposure to different age groups - they change a lot as they grow. 

More than anything talk about it. But in the end if you are both committed to your current positions do not compromise on this one - just don't. In all honesty it would be better to have walked away from true love than to be trapped by children you didn't want or to have missed the opportunity to have them if you really wanted them. Either one of those options carries so much resentment they kill true love as that thread exemplifies. 

Having said all of that - if he said that for the first time yesterday I wouldn't worry too much and I probably wouldn't freak or pressure him too much right away as he might dig in. Give him a little space to take a deep breath and then gently try talking about it sometime in the not too distant future when it seems right. Said another way - don't over react yet - this could just be momentary freak out by him.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Its early days at the moment I think you should give it some time. Its something that he needs to get used to which im sure he will, its hard for you right now which is understandable but I think you shouldnt feel bad about it right now as his mind may change.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

He may never change his mind. You may never change your mind. Then again, either or both of you might change. It was awful of him to do this to you. Just like most people do when meeting and dating, he played you like a fiddle and was not his genuine self. He likely thought not wanting children would make you hesitant to marry him, which meant there'd be delay in getting what he wanted or that it quite possibly would never happen. So, he told you what he knew you wanted to hear. That was awful of him.....and very unfair to you.

However, I think you are presently being unfair to both him and yourself. I understand you are shocked, probably a little hurt, and uncertain about your future. But, it's not a decision you have to make at this moment. You should give yourself some time and be practical and systematic about it. You already seem to think it is unlikely you will find another loving partner. It is that kind of hopelessness that make people spend their lives unhappy. They are afraid tomorrow will never come, that love will never happen again, or they cannot possibly ever be happy with anyone else. How can you feel that way? I don't know that love is worth being UNhappy anyway. Just give yourself and him some time to resolve your feelings one way or the other. It will either be easy to reconcile yourself to a life without children (hopefully not from thinking you probably won't ever find love and happiness again), or it will be easier to decide this is not your idea of marraige and is no reason to give up all hope for the one hope you seem to have retained, which is to have children.

I'd be pretty ticked off if I were you though.


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## pepper7 (Apr 2, 2013)

sigma1299 said:


> Please oh please for the love of God read this entire thread linked below. It's about exactly your situation posted by the guy years later after he acquiesced on having kids.
> 
> The two of you have got to be brutally honest with each other about this.
> 
> ...



I am searching through old threads trying to get my own head straight on this issue. Can someone direct me on how to find the thread she mentioned? I clicked it and it said it's invalid. I tried sorting the threads on the main screen but nada...Thanks


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