# 16 Days Into The Separt



## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

I left my house on Wed. night June 29th. I haven't set foot in the house since then. We had a fight - a bad one. It was made clear that I was no longer welcomed in my home.

I have only seen my children for about an hour's time in those 16 days. She is NOT keeping from me. My kids are mad at me because they witnessed our last fight. I am sure they blame me. Which is hilarious because it was my wife who wanted out, not me. This whole damn nightmare is due to fact that she has fallen out of love with me and wants to live her own life. 

Should things get messy and they will, I know I will be made to be the bad guy because I want to officially and legally end our marriage . My wife wanted me to just sit by while she starts dating other people and I should just be glad to be in the house with the kids. It would be more convenient to co-parent that way. That was her idea. Can you imagine the nerve? Well, I couldn't hack the pain and humiliation of being husband to a "single" wife for whom her vows mean nothing any longer. It weren't for my kids I would have kicked out a long time ago. That takes us back to top. In the six months since she stated she wanted out, my life has been hell. The fights got worse and worse until that night.

They day after I left, I got every article of clothing I owned packed in two suitcases and some toiletries and dumped in my car while I was at work. She threw all my musical equipment in the trunk.

I have been staying at the home of the drummer of one my bands, largely without compensation and because of the kindness of this heart.

However, I cannot afford even this situation financially for very long, as I now have to eat on my own, and I have to gas in my car, etc. Unfortunately, the soon to be ex-wife (STBX henceforth) has stated that she can never live with me again. So what choice to I have? I want a divorce and to be done with her as soon as possible. However, she is cake eating. She doesn't mind having access to my money and being on my insurance, yada, yada, yada, but she has stopped holding up her end of the contract. No affection, no intimacy, I suspect possible unfaithfulness as well. She is emotionally and verbally abuse to me, and has even been physical a couple of times.

I just don't know how this is my problem. I pay the damn mortgage. She works and we need every penny she makes as well. But it's a few drops in the bucket compared to what I bring home.

The funny thing about of this is that the separation has actually allowed me room to actually begin to heal from the wounds of our 20 year marriage disintegrating. I don't fell like walking in front of bus anymore since she's not in my face every day to remind me of what I've lost.

I really need to try find legal aid, but I'm broke. I can enroll in my company's group legal plan in November and they can handle divorce, but I don't know if I can hold on till then.

BG919


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

BassGuy919 said:


> I have only seen my children for about an hour's time in those 16 days. She is NOT keeping from me. My kids are mad at me because they witnessed our last fight. I am sure they blame me. Which is hilarious because it was my wife who wanted out, not me.


You need to control your temper. 

It's really bad for children to be witnessing their parents out of control fights. 

Not only can it affect them on a very deep level it can, and obviously already is, causing problems with your relationship with them.

There's a good chance you'll lose your children, at least for the short term if you don't curtail your anger.

And that's a very steep price to pay, especially when you've already lost your wife.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You should not have moved out. She cannot make you move if that house in jointly in both your names. Now she can have her lawyer level abandonment charges against you which she can use against you for the custody hearing. She is a smart cookie and you have stepped in every trap she has laid for you. 

Get back in that house. 

Oh, and by the way...she's most likely cheating on you. That is why she wants out. 

Start getting smart. Go see a lawyer and get educated...like tomorrow.


P.S.: I play a Modulus Flea bass through a Behringer.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Banned-It.45 said:


> You should not have moved out. She cannot make you move if that house in jointly in both your names. Now she can have her lawyer level abandonment charges against you which she can use against you for the custody hearing. She is a smart cookie and you have stepped in every trap she has laid for you.
> 
> Get back in that house.
> 
> ...


Yep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

Get a lawyer now. Move back in. And be calm at all times..... Nothing sets you off. Buy a Sony voice recorder and use your. Phones recorder too. Record everything. Gather data. You are in for a bad time. Read the book by Cordell and Cordell about the 10 dumbest mistakes guys make. And hang on!


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

His original thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ed-marriage-not-quite-20-years-heres-how.html


BassGuy, are you here to vent? or are you actually going to listen to our advice?

Playing the blame game (and being a victim) will get you no where. Get your act together, come up with the cash for a lawyer, and take the appropriate steps to extricate this woman from your life whilst being the best dad you can be.


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## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

I am venting but I am also taking advice. I am divorcing her. I am done being a victim and martyr.
I have come a long way from that original post. I realize my W is living solely for herself now. Our marriage has been over as far as she is concerned for awhile now. I'm just going to make it legal.


BG919


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am going down a different street on this one.

If you stay in the house she will provoke you and she has already physically struck you. She is a nasty one.

Being in the house is a ticking time bomb...especially psychologically FOR YOU, your words, not mine.

'F' the money. What is your sanity worth? I would tell you to see an Attorney but you are broke.

You can always make more money. You cannot regain your good name if you do something dumb to/with her. 

Do not quit your job. This is your lifeline....more like a twine, according to you. Better than being unemployed, Eh? This remains the stable part of your life. KEEP IT!

My pride is worth more to me than GOLD. I would rather go down with the ship rather then 'submit' to injustice. What is your pride worth?

Jail cells are lonely. They entrap your body....break your mind. Stay away from her.

No one wins this [your/her] battle.


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## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

I would like help with detachment. Even though I resent my wife for the hell we've gone through, I still have feelings for her. The thought that she will or already has been with other people drives me crazy.
I am not ready for a relationship myself so how do I stop hurting?

BG919


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Have you read the 180 list? You should find it helpful. 

180 List, NMMNG

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Best

Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Go spend a little time around the UT campus or out on 6th street. 

Just to get a little taste of what else might be out there for you. 

And keep in mind that you will be moving on too.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

BassGuy919 said:


> I would like help with detachment. Even though I resent my wife for the hell we've gone through, I still have feelings for her. The thought that she will or already has been with other people drives me crazy.
> I am not ready for a relationship myself so I do stop hurting?
> 
> BG919


the person you fell in love with is gone.

your emotions, while understandable, will not reverse this.

accept your emotions as part of a grieving process, but don't dwell in them. 

focus your energy as much as possible on other things such as your music which bring you joy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BassGuy919 said:


> I would like help with detachment. Even though I resent my wife for the hell we've gone through, I still have feelings for her. The thought that she will or already has been with other people drives me crazy.
> I am not ready for a relationship myself so I do stop hurting?
> 
> BG919


Try not to focus on you wife status -condition for your happiness. True detachment is when you don't care. You need to focus on you right now. What will make you happy (that doesn't have to do with her full of remorse and alone forever > ) 

Remember whoever she is with will be getting the person she was when she was with you, eventually. You can do better.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You know what I tell women who are worried about their scumbag hb's seeing other women? 

Pity the new potential partner. Nobody knows better than you what a pos they're getting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You'll be fine. I moved out of the house. In my state, you have to be separated for 90 days, before your divorce can be granted. When people say don't leave the house, they don't know what they are talking about. How anyone would want to be under the same roof is beyond me. 

I did the same thing, threw all my clothes and anything in the house I couldn't live without into my truck and went to a hotel. 6 months later, I'm officially divorced and in a great relationship. Time will fly, just keep your head up, and reach out to your kids. I have two really young kids (under 6yrs), it was the only sucky part about my divorce. But it's great now, they don't get to see their parents being miserable and fighting. Yah!


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## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

Everyday gets a little better. I am aware that I have a long way to go, but I am surviving. That's all I can do. Life must go on. The world doesn't stop for a broken heart.
I have been the victim too long. We ARE moving forward with divorce. I want to be free from someone who does not value me as a partner or appreciate me for who I am.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

BassGuy919 said:


> Everyday gets a little better. I am aware that I have a long way to go, but I am surviving. That's all I can do. Life must go on. The world doesn't stop for a broken heart.
> I have been the victim too long. We ARE moving forward with divorce. I want to free from someone who does not value me as a partner or appreciate me for who I am.


When do you start liking you?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

BassGuy919 said:


> Everyday gets a little better. I am aware that I have a long way to go, but I am surviving. That's all I can do. Life must go on. The world doesn't stop for a broken heart.
> I have been the victim too long. We ARE moving forward with divorce. I want to free from someone who does not value me as a partner or appreciate me for who I am.


Please understand that your wife's decision is about her and where she is in her life. Her decision is not about you so don't make it about you.


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## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

Well it may not have been about me and I could argue that to an extent it is, but it certainly affects me. I think I'm entitled to feel any way I wish. I understand you're coming off a 24 year marriage, and I understand how daunting that can be for a man or a woman. 

A break up of any marriage, especially ones as long lasting as yours and mine were is a sad and difficult thing to deal with for all parties involved. My poor children are baring the brunt of it and they had no choice in the matter whatsoever.

I wish you luck as you embark on your journey. But things are quite different for the spouse that didn't initiate the break-up.
Gender plays also plays a part on how one handles a divorce as well. For a woman there can be a sense of relief or of liberation. There are studies upon studies that men typically do not handle the break up as well. It is speculated it's because we have less of a support network than women typically do, and that it is a male tendency to internalize grief rather than to express and thereby release it, which only prolongs the healing process.

Anyway, I am trying to get past the stage of finger pointing. I have felt, said and done a lot of things since my wife decided she wanted to divorce. I am embarrassed about or regret a great deal of it. But through this all, I have learned things about myself that were absolutely necessary to discover in order to grow as a person.

BG919


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## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

*Re: 16 Days Into The Separation*



ReturntoZero said:


> When do you start liking you?


You're right, RTZ, I need to stop the self-hatred. I won't succeed in any relationship if I don't get past that. I am actively working on this in individual therapy.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

*Re: 16 Days Into The Separation*



BassGuy919 said:


> You're right, RTZ, I need to stop the self-hatred. I won't succeed in any relationship if I don't get past that. I am actively working on this in individual therapy.


I'm delighted you grasp this.

When a man feels he's "lucky to have his wife", sometimes this lapses into making excuses for her behavior or struggling to explain away bad behavior.

Basically, whatever you permit, you promote.

If you don't value you, all sorts of emotions well up inside of you when it's time to stand up. Fear... loneliness... many issues that likely date back to childhood and your family of origin.

By and large our wives are drawn to emotional strength. Displaying the opposite doesn't impress them as you being "sensitive". It's you being weak.

We quickly lose the respect that is our #1 need in relationships.


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## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

Another thing that is getting me down is how I have been demoted to part time dad. It really bugs me. I have been around my kids every moment of their lives except for the past month of the separation. It is longest I've been away from them since I had a two week business trip to Europe a couple years ago, and then I Skyped every day I was there. 
This is really hard for me. To think I am only going to get them on a court ordered schedule has me bummed. Especially since I know I probably won't get custody. Texas might be cool about almost never granting alimony, but they also almost never grant dads custody. I don't know if I want to drag my STBX through the mud to even try.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

It does suck to only see your kids 50% of the time. But I will tell you it doesn't suck to have 50% of the time with no kids. It's a bittersweet arrangement for sure. I am kidless this weekend and going camping/fishing with just the girlfriend. The last kidless weekend, I rented a mustang convertible and the g/f and I took off for a 3 day road trip to Deadwood/Mt Rushmore and Minneapolis for a baseball game. Just have to make the best of life!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

BassGuy919 said:


> Another thing that is getting me down is how I have been demoted to part time dad. It really bugs me. I have been around my kids every moment of their lives except for the past month of the separation. It is longest I've been away from them since I had a two week business trip to Europe a couple years ago, and then I Skyped every day I was there.
> This is really hard for me. To think I am only going to get them on a court ordered schedule has me bummed. Especially since I know I probably won't get custody. Texas might be cool about almost never granting alimony, but they also almost never grant dads custody. I don't know if I want to drag my STBX through the mud to even try.


Shoot for 50/50

Document everything.


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## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

August 10, 44th day of separation. Yesterday was our youngest child's 13th birthday and we took him out as family to eat. It was the first time my SBTX and I had been around each other for any appreciable length of time in over a month. 

All and all I guess it went alright. There only one moment last night were she kind of upset me. I got defensive about something and then she was a bit mean to me. I don't understand how she can so hateful toward me when over half of her life I loved her with every ounce of my being. I am her kids' dad for God's sake.

I still love her, I know I shouldn't, but I still do. Even though she is cruel and toxic, part of me still hopes and prays that somehow she'll snap out of it.

Anyway before I start getting flamed about being a victim, I know that there is no hope, I am just having to process at my own speed, which very very slowly.

Everyday is little easier. But I have a long way to go.

BG919


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

BassGuy919 said:


> I still love her, I know I shouldn't, but I still do. Even though she is cruel and toxic, part of me still hopes and prays that somehow she'll snap out of it. BG919


Just know that if she did snap out of it, you'd never be able to trust her again. That's no way to live. There's good ones out there that are looking for good guys.


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## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

Yeah, I hope so. I never thought I would be back on the market so to speak. It's crazy out there now. 

I am not ready yet for anything, but when I am I am actually dreading it. I used think I was so lucky, I have friends who are divorced and single who told me horrible stories about the dating scene.

Thanks, Ralph, for the encouragement.

BG919


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

The dating scene isn't so bad. If you can string a couple of sentences together you have a big leg up on most of your competition.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

BassGuy919 said:


> August 10, 44th day of separation. Yesterday was our youngest child's 13th birthday and we took him out as family to eat. It was the first time my SBTX and I had been around each other for any appreciable length of time in over a month.
> 
> All and all I guess it went alright. There only one moment last night were she kind of upset me. I got defensive about something and then she was a bit mean to me. I don't understand how she can so hateful toward me when over half of her life I loved her with every ounce of my being. I am her kids' dad for God's sake.
> 
> ...


You'll be making real progress when you stop counting how many days it's been.


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## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

I guess you're right. I guess that would be a tip off. I've been doing better, BTW. One day at a time. That's all I can do right now.

BG919


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

*Re: 16 Days Into The Separation*



ReturntoZero said:


> I'm delighted you grasp this.
> 
> When a man feels he's "lucky to have his wife", sometimes this lapses into making excuses for her behavior or struggling to explain away bad behavior.
> 
> ...


Been here, done this. Not fun.

Follow the path of looking out for number 1...you'll be surprised how everything else falls in line


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