# Stay or Go



## neve88 (May 3, 2010)

I am trying desperately to make sense of a difficult situation. I have been with my wife for over twelve years. In the past year I had an affair with another woman. It has ended now, and my wife knows of it.We went through a period of separation, on the way to divorce but are now trying to reconcile. The difficulty comes in the fact that I have never totally felt fulfilled in my marriage. The history is long, but in short I have always questioned whether it was the right decision all those years ago to get married. It was an in an ultimatum situation that I made the decision. (I was told to commit and marry or move on by her) For some years I felt comfortable with our relationship, but always needing her approval. Our therapist has recognized our relationship as one of a parent-child type. Myself being the child. Over the years we have grown to having almost no mutual interests. I am an atheist, she is very religious. We have always been at odds about sex. I am a working musician, and love being out playing in the evenings. She prefers to stay home and deep down I know she does not approve of my profession. Over the years she has always wished that i would change, which I didn't know until recently. She very much feels that I am mostly to blame for our situation. In that I am the only one who needs to make changes for us to work.

There is obviously much more to the story, but the point is although I have ceased the affair, I felt more connected to the other woman than I ever had my wife. We had lots in common, and I felt it to be very give and take. I had feelings I had never felt, and feelings of being alive in my life. Know I can't help but to wonder if I am making the right decision. Not so much as to choose the other woman, but to stay in my marriage. 

I really don't have that "best friend" feeling with her or really feel very much romantic connection. I am working on it but how long should I try? I wonder if I am staying out of guilt or obligation,the fear of being on my own, or losing the home we have built together, or our daughter? But I felt horrible when I realized that never once did I say to myself I am staying because I really want us to work, and don't even know if I do. When I was living away from the home I only wanted to be back, and when I am back I often want to be on my own. Nauseating.

I have been recently diagnosed as Bi-Polar, and I know she is having a very difficult time with my illness, and it does explain much about my life. She has mentioned that it was too much a burden and she didn't know if she wanted to deal with it anymore. I know it is an issue, but my meds are modestly effective and therapy helps.

Sorry for the length, I need some advice....


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

just keep going for therapy and see if things change, maybe you are still in some kind of fantasy connection with the OW, I think it takes some time to get your true thinking back....
You said when you were away you wanted to come back I think that must tell you that you want to be there you just need to work on the marriage and you have to give up living in the fantasy world with the OW.....
When you start viewing your wife differently and when you give up the scorecard you are keeping of things she does and thinks you can work at being more intimate with her and the two of you will connect again like you should.......
good luck


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