# Am I overreacting?



## Taylor (Jan 15, 2011)

After Christmas weekend, for drug and alcohol related issues, I left my husband in our home town at his Mom's house and told him that if he didn't change his ways (problems have been going on for years) that we could not be together. I made it very clear he just needed to focus and work on his addiction. 

Here is the issue I am seeking advice on:
A mere THREE days after leaving him at his Mom's house and returning to our home, he went out with friends and was introduced to a girl. Apparently they chatted it up all night at the bar, both extremely intoxicated. At the end of the night they exchanged numbers. I feel it's important to note here, because this replays in my head daily, my husband told her he was going through a divorce and he did not mention anything about me being five months pregnant. He did not have his ring on. 

Sure, I understand maybe being pissed at me and doing that that night, (ok not really, he should have just gone out and stuck closely to GUYS) Anyway, the following day they were corresponding via text all day. He was sober. Still no word that he was actually married with a child on the way. They made plans for the next night, New Years Eve, together. (Keep in mind here my husband and I were still talking daily, fighting, yes...but he was saying throughout the time period that he was seeing her behind my back that he loved me and wanted to be with me and wanted to change blah blah blah) 

New Years Eve....super important night to me, and I begged my husband to come spend it with me, but he told me that his GUY FRIEND told him about a party in town and that he was going to that. He specifically said he wouldn't even talk to any girls and he'd just be with the guys and that he loved me. Even without any idea of this new girl, I was crying and begging him to choose me- because we've never spent a NYE apart since we started dating 8 years ago. Well, you can imagine how devestating it was when I found out it was really his new "friend" who he was meeting there and had the prior plans with. 

So they got drunk again together Friday night, New Years Eve, nothing physical except she kissed him on the cheek at midnight. That alone makes me sick to my stomach. However, she thought he was available. I can't exactly blame her. 

I didn't find out till a few people from the party called me Sunday night to fill me in, and then I called the girl up and she was doing nothing but apologizing. She is the one who filled me in on the lies he told her. He never mentioned her to me. 

He claims he was upset and angry because I kicked him out and didn't care about him. When I get upset with my husband, I can't bring myself to pretend that I'm single ..... my god let alone get someone elses number and get drunk with them like he did with her, leading her on and keeping so many secrets. 

I'd like to punch him in the face, get revenge, and make him feel like he made me feel....and how I still feel since we still haven't worked through anything because I can't live with him now that we have even more issues to work on beyond the addiction. 

Thoughts???


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

So many steps taken of the straight path where do you begin?

I don't know what his addiction is like. Considering he is working I wonder how bad it is, but I've seen addicts do some crazy stuff that makes no sense. Not just while they are "loaded" when they are sober too.

I would highly recommend AA or some sort of IOP and go from there. 

He needs to focus on the marriage and partying should be the last thing on his mind. My wife and I have never been apart for NYE and I can count on 1 hand the times we have been out without the other in over 15 years.

Nothing good comes from getting drunk with the boys and there is no reason for it imo. I won't rant on about being a addict because it's hard for non addicts to relate "me incuded" he needs help.

Best of luck you have a full plate. Starting with the addiction and go from there.


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## Taylor (Jan 15, 2011)

He's been downplaying the situation with him and her, and I've been saying it went against our vows and was almost like an affair because of the dishonesty, secrets, and lies. He says, "Well, you talk to guy friends." IMO, what he did is totally &^$*# different, and anyone should see that. That's why I'm asking if I'm over reacting. I can't just get over it. He says I'm being dramatic about the situation. I understand the drug and alcohol abuse aspect of this..... but I think this situation is separate from that. This little fling he had is ripping me apart. It's so out of character for him, and I can hardly convince myself it's because he's an addict. That seems like a cop out to me. He's been way worse in regards to his addiction, but infidelity and issues like this with this girl or any other girl have NEVER been an issue before. I couldn't do that to him no matter how upset I was that we hadn't lived together for three days!


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

It might be more of a case of you "seeing the light" than overreacting. You both make contributions to the problems: don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing or blaming by any means. My husband started lying and acting all weird this past summer, first it was lunch (secretly) with a married woman, next an affair ... 23 days our divorce will be final. I feel very bleak because I had started seeing things I was doing/not doing that were causing difficulties and had been working on change. IMO, married people basically do not need to have "friends" of the opposite sex. I'm not saying don't talk to them, but I think the harm outweighs the benefits. If you really need a male perspective, you can always ask some questions here and similar places. From what I can tell, you are likely to get many helpful replies and different points of view. The addiction does need to go, for his sake as well as your marriage/family. I would suggest talking with family doctor, al-anon or support group to get some insight and info, as well as emotional support. Can't really work on anything else when someone is in a chemical/other fog and you will need to be taking care of you and your children. I wish you the best...I've been through some of that and it can be hard, but people can and do change. Don't settle for less; all of you deserve that!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Taylor said:


> After Christmas weekend, for drug and alcohol related issues, I left my husband in our home town at his Mom's house and told him that if he didn't change his ways (problems have been going on for years) that we could not be together. I made it very clear he just needed to focus and work on his addiction.


You gave him this ultimatum. I believe his actions indicate he has chosen the alcohol over you. He was at a BAR when he met this OW. And he was out DRINKING at the NYE party. I've known many alcoholics and have learned one important thing. None of them quit drinking until THEY are ready. Your husband is not ready yet. It doesn't sound as though he is ready for a family either.

I think it's time to decide just how much you are willing to tolerate. Then stick to your guns.

Wish you the best!


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## Taylor (Jan 15, 2011)

827Aug, I was hoping for some insight on the rest of the post, not that first part. I've got a separate post under relationships and addiction in regards to that. I'm really looking for people's opinions on the specific relationship he had with the girl, and if I'm blowing it out of proportion as he says. It almost bothers me more than the drinking itself.....


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I believe I have addressed that. You told him you couldn't be together IF he didn't elect to change his ways. He in essence took you at your word. He elected to continue drinking but find someone else--at least those two evenings. Careful how ultimatums are worded......

But, no I don't think his behavior with the OW is appropriate. He is a married man.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

A peck on the cheek on NYE is probably nothing to worry about, but his total disregard for your and your unborn baby's well being by getting smashed after you told him to dry out IS DEFINITELY cause for distress.


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