# what can i do to save us



## wendy32 (Feb 20, 2012)

ok heres my story please dont be mean i just want some understanding i don't know what to do at this point to save my marriage if possible.me and my husband have been married 7 years and we have had alot of good times.well 2 years ago he hit a point in his life where midlife crisis set in the dying getting old and stress from everyday life.to relieve his pressure he started benge drinking going to bars after i left for work and gambling his whole check.then he had his affair to where i caught him a one night stand.when i arrived home that morning he was asleep naked in my bed and her panies was in my bedroom floor.he had hardly any reconishion of what was going on.so i made him leave to where i started drinking alot that morning and his boss came to the house to see (yea right)if everything was ok.in the shape i was in could be considered rape in some states.anyway the sex lasted 2 mins and he was gone.me and my husband stayed separated for 2 months.i then started working on myself and my house not seeing anyone, and cut of all contact.then one morning i got the how are you text.he wanted a fresh start to see if we could make things work.he didnt know about my affair that morning and i was going to tell him but he said whatever happened when we was separated dont matter so i never said a word.i kept trying to be a good wife and knew in my heart i did wrong so i kept my distance with his boss and his job issues just because of that.since october it has started again he gets so stressed with everyday life and financially he cant handle and starts drinking alot and sneaking to bars again.i was so hurt like he was just giving up again.i finaly had enough when he started the gambling to where i work for what i have very hard and im not going to lose it because he cant deal with his personal issues.then a friend of his called and broke down and told me he was seeing someone the whole time we was separated after i asked him with a fresh start i would like to discuss that i wanted to tell on myself but he said i havent been with anyone but you since my one night stand and he said i told you what happened dont matter.so i told him what i did because i couldnt live with it any longer and he said he could not forgive because it was with his boss (friend).i explained how it happened and truely sorry and never meant for it to happen and wasnt out looking for no one.he still says he cant forgive me or look at me.i think he is staying with a friend now.he said our marriage is over for me to move on bbut i don't want to do that.i can but i would rather save my marriage i am a very strong woman and take care of myself.but i forgave him for both of his affairs and dont understand why i am not even being given a chance.i would like some advice on what my next steps should be to go no contact again and see if later things change or just go ahead and give up.i dont want to date because i want him to see that i dont want anyone else no matter how he feels and in my heart i feel like i owe him that.please be easy on your responses i really am hurting and miss him dearly and dont know what to do.:scratchhead:


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

he was wrong to cheat. that being said he is not here, you are. his boss? really? so he went to work this whole time not knowing he was basically being made a fool. he can't get over that. i believe it is time to move on. too much damage has been done. consequences must be dealt with. learn from your mistakes so you do not repeat in next relationship.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Wendy, you messed up by allowing his boss to have on time sex with you that is a given but putting that a side for a minute, you are in a toxic marriage in which your gambling, alcoholic, cheating husband shows no signs of wanting to clean himself up and become a good husband. My advice to you is to cutoff all contact with him and seek counseling for yourself so you can start the healing process and eventually make a choice that you can live with.


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

You don't understand why he can't forgive you? Of course you can regardless of whether you forgave him or not for his affairs.

Pick up your life, never lose your remorse for what you did (or your forgiveness for what he did) and move on. If it is supposed to be, it will be but right now there is so much pain that a "time out" may be in order.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

While what he did is sooo wrong, what you did has humiliated him with his boss.

I'm surprised he hasn't physically attacked his boss - I know I would.

but the thought of what you did followed by lying about it, and him going to work day after day for this guy - wow. That must have killed him inside. 

I can see why he wouldn't want any part of you. the humiliation he must feel.


----------



## wendy32 (Feb 20, 2012)

i understand the pat where he feels humiliated but he doesnt have a job like that he is a construction worker and is self employed so he dont work with this guy like that he just does jobs for him sometimes.but i did some research on the toxoc marriage and everything it said about a toxic man described him to a t.i am his second wife and he did her the same way she said herself and she left him to keep her sanity


----------



## wendy32 (Feb 20, 2012)

he has had me homeless 3 times and living in a motel all of the bills and responsibility has always been left on my door step because he does whatever with his check and goes to jail twice a year for child support.i stuck it out that long hopeing on day he would growup and change.as far as my affair was never meant to happen like i said should have been a form of rape some how i dont even remember most of it.i was really almost unable to even walk like i said i totaled my car that night.and i do have remorse for what i did and he knows how bad off i was


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What? lol. Wow.

He's not going to change. Stop hoping.

And...you slept with his boss? Did you know him? Why did he come over to begin with? Odd.


----------



## wendy32 (Feb 20, 2012)

my husband that mornng called him to come over because he lost his keys to his truck so he called him to borrow money to get a key made i was in horrible shape when my husband left that morning and he left the front door unlocked and i was sleeping off my drunk when he came in


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

No offense, what are you looking for here? Yes, it does appear your husband is an integral part of your toxic relationship but it appears you are as well.

There are few true victims in life. It isn't his fault he has put you through hell by making you homeless and going to jail because he won't support his kids, it is your fault. 

Stop volunteering for abuse that you think some how substantiates your love for him or in some way validates your poor behavior because it doesn't in either case.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

wendy32 said:


> my husband that mornng called him to come over because he lost his keys to his truck so he called him to borrow money to get a key made i was in horrible shape when my husband left that morning and he left the front door unlocked and i was sleeping off my drunk when he came in


Yeah, it sounds like he is a scum bag that took advantage of your emotional state and intoxication.

you should however have told your husband immediately.

I also think your husband isn't really working on making the relationship work. given who he has shown himself to be in life, why would you stay with him? there must be so many better men out there.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

wendy32 said:


> as far as my affair was never meant to happen like i said should have been a form of rape some how i dont even remember most of it.i was really almost unable to even walk


 Stop saying it should be considered a form of rape. I am sure that you would not be calling it an affair if it was rape. This is a seriouse word and should not be used in such a manner because it degrades thoes that have actually been raped so KNOCK IT OFF! you had an affair, you slept with your husband's boss and you have to accept that fact. You can not shift the blame or belittle it make it something it is not because you did it and you need to take responsiblity for it.

It sounds like to me that you need lots of IC and should get some as soon as possible. If you are drinking too then go to AA if you are not then get into Alanon heck do both and do it today. An IC can really help you sort things out and heal from them and take on your blame and not take on his. 
You need to take care of you. It sounds like a big chunk of your life has been spent on a roller coster. You need to provid for your self stability. Get going do not wait and I do wish you the best.


----------

