# Please i need help



## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

We have been married for 15 years , the first years were fine for some reason I thought my husband didn't have a high sex drive as he never showed must interest only about once a month and it would be very mechanical so I never thought it would be an issue. I can't orgasm from the inside, he did make fun of it sometimes but admitted once that it made him feel inadequate as he can only please me with rubbing from outside. Again I didn't think it was a huge issue.

About 2 years ago I started noticing a change in his attitude and discovered he was an having an affair with a lady in texas and had invited her to a hotel for 2 days in the local area. He had also booked a flight and a hotel room for her. For some reason the lady backed off and changed her phone # and went away before she even came to the hotel,however I confronted him and threatened to leave. He did admit he was talking to ther but said their relationship was purely platonic and was planning to rent a Seperate hotel room from her.He begged and begged me to stay and said he would do anything to keep me .As this was a first mistake so I forgave him

Fast forward I just discovered he has been looking at local area escorts, pornogorphy involving threesomes and even lesbian porn.(he has no interest in oral sex with me I assume he likes to do it to other women ) He is from the far east and is obssesed with white girls ( I am not white) To add insult to injury he has a phone number in his personal password protected computer about a local escort.

I am so lost. i don't know what to do.Divorce is very hard as we have a large amount of assets plus an autistic child

Can somebody give me advise ? He is going to get very angry about me hacking his computer but I just felt this was necessary

Also can somebody tell me how to confront him this time? I have all evidence printed out what I found from the computer


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, you need to decide what you want. Stay married? Divorce? Fix him?


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## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

turnera said:


> First, you need to decide what you want. Stay married? Divorce? Fix him?


 I am undecided


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

He is lying.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, then you're going to have to start a policy of being open and honest with him. 

You have not been happy with your sex life. He needs to know it. Maybe later, but he needs to know.

He has some sort of sexual dysfunction, probably from FOO. If he's not willing to address it, your marriage will not improve, and that's assuming you can get him to stop cheating. IF you get to the point that you decide he'll stop cheating and you'll take him back, please do not do so unless he agrees to go to therapy for it.

That's the fix him part.

The stay married part requires you to expose the cheating to his important people. First understand your marriage can survive his anger; it can't survive other people in your marriage. So if you're fighting for the marriage, you will HAVE to address all of these cheating issues, whether he wants to admit to them or not. And the best way, the most effective way, is to expose the cheating to people whose respect he craves, and then sit back and hope that they reach out to him and tell him they are not happy with what he's doing. 

Will he be mad? Of course. But so what. YOU should be FURIOUS. Your furious trumps his mad. You're fighting to save the FAMILY that he has blown to bits. No guilt, ok? 

So focus on informing his people what he's doing (you don't have to go into details, just that he's been cheating on you), take steps to ensure he can't walk away with the family's money without your signature, find a lawyer who'll give you a cheap consultation just so you'll know your rights, and then inform him that you won't share him and he has a choice to make.

I know this sounds counterintuitive. But please trust us. The people who expose and blow up the affair have the best chance of saving the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

freshnikar said:


> We have been married for 15 years , the first years were fine for some reason I thought my husband didn't have a high sex drive as he never showed must interest only about once a month and it would be very mechanical so I never thought it would be an issue. I can't orgasm from the inside, he did make fun of it sometimes but admitted once that it made him feel inadequate as he can only please me with rubbing from outside. Again I didn't think it was a huge issue.


Apparently, your husband does not know much about women. Only about 25% of women can have an orgasm from inside (intercourse). And even few of that 25% can do this all the time.

The reason that foreplay is so important to women during sex is that most women can only come from being stimulated on the outside. That’s how women are built.


freshnikar said:


> About 2 years ago I started noticing a change in his attitude and discovered he was an having an affair with a lady in texas and had invited her to a hotel for 2 days in the local area. He had also booked a flight and a hotel room for her. For some reason the lady backed off and changed her phone # and went away before she even came to the hotel,however I confronted him and threatened to leave. He did admit he was talking to ther but said their relationship was purely platonic and was planning to rent a Seperate hotel room from her.He begged and begged me to stay and said he would do anything to keep me .As this was a first mistake so I forgave him


I hope you realize that he was lying about getting her a separate hotel room. 


freshnikar said:


> Fast forward I just discovered he has been looking at local area escorts, pornogorphy involving threesomes and even lesbian porn.( To add insult to injury he has a phone number in his personal password protected computer about a local escort . I checked under the bed and it looks like one condom in missing.


Have you considered getting an STD test? It sounds like he is engaged in some pretty high risk behavior that could put your health at risk.


freshnikar said:


> I am so lost. i don't know what to do. Divorce is very hard as we have a large amount of assets plus an autistic child


However, divorce might be the best thing for you to do. Do you really want to be married to a man who is doing what he is doing, putting your health at risk and who does not seem to care all that much about you? Assets can be divided. And the two of you will still be co-parenting your child after divorce. You just will not have to put up with this nonsense.


freshnikar said:


> Can somebody give me advise ? He is going to get very angry about me hacking his computer but I just felt this was necessary


When I snooped and found out about my husband’s affairs, he told me that he could not trust me because I snooped. My reply to him was “You can always trust me. I will always do what I have to do to protect myself and my son. If the only way to find out the truth and protect myself is to snoop, you better believe I will do so.”

You need to stand up to him and not let him cower you.


freshnikar said:


> Also can somebody tell me how to confront him this time? I have all evidence printed out what I found from the computer


From what you wrote, it sounds like your goal is to get him to stop cheating and to fix your marriage. If that’s the case then you will need to do things before you confront him, there is a book that I think you need to read. It’s a quick read but very important. It gives you the steps you need to take. But I do caution you about one thing. The book talks a lot about how people often have affairs because their emotional needs are not being met by their spouse. 

What it does not talk about is that there are some people, like your husband, whose needs no one person can meet. I was married to a guy who was like this, but instead of going after escorts, he chased a lot of women. Men like this have something very broken inside of them. They have to work to fix themselves. While I’m sure that you, like all of use, are not perfect, his problems are beyond the norm. He’s most likely got some level of sexual addiction at the very least.

But I am suggesting this book because it talks about what you need to do. For example, there is no privacy in marriage. You have every right to look into anything of his. 

*Surviving an Affair*


Here is a book that further explains what he needs to do to help you heal from his cheating.

*How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful *by Linda J. MacDonald


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*What Are Plan A and Plan B?




The Policy of Radical Honesty*


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

freshnikar said:


> He is going to get very angry about me hacking his computer but I just felt this was necessary


This is the first place to start. You need to reexamine your attitude. Your husband booked a hotel room and a flight for another women and YOU'RE worried that he is going to be angry. If he isn't pleased that you actually had the nerve to find out what is going on, you should strongly let him know that this is something that you would do again in a heartbeat. For him to complain that you did something to find out the truth is quite the example of audacity.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> When I snooped and found out about my husband’s affairs, he told me that he could not trust me because I snooped. My reply to him was “You can always trust me. I will always do what I have to do to protect myself and my son. If the only way to find out the truth and protect myself is to snoop, you better believe I will do so.”


WOW!

What an excellent answer.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

:scratchhead:


freshnikar said:


> I would say maried and fix him



no such thing as fixing him. he has to want to fix himself.


file for divorce. shake up his world if he doesn't fight like a mad alley cat for you to forgive him then it will all be for not. and you will be back to square 1. And you would have wasted more time with this poor excuse of a person/husband.

personally I don't think people change very often. and I would advise you to get your ducks in a row. then exit the marriage no explanation necessary.

good luck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have a very serious problem on your hands. This is more than a husband who cheated one time during the marriage.

You have a husband who does not even care to meet your sexual needs, who laughs at you for being exactly what women are like. And who prefers sex with street walkers, escorts, porn and anyone but you. He probably has some kind of sexual addiction. And he might have a serious personality disorder.

You will need to get him to agree to get into therapy with a psychiatrist (not a counselor). He needs to get diagnosed to find out what his problems are.

You are going to have to play hardball to get him to do this. He will most lightly fight against it.

Because of this, I agree with you filing for divorce. If you file for divorce, you will show him that you are dead serious about him fixing his problems. Remember that a divorce can be stopped anytime up to the moment before a judge signs the final decree. Plus there is always remarriage after divorce.

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose something to save it. I seldom suggest that someone file for divorce to impress how serious they are in a case of infidelity. But your situation is a very serious one with a lot of complications. People do not change until the pain of losing what they have is so real and so strong that the only path they can take is to work to fix themselves.


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## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

he said in his sex life before being married he has never seen a girl this me


Yes of course i do REALIZE that his seperate hotel was BS.he rented a King size bed



Yes i got tested 2 years ago. He is paranoid about std's though

however, divorce might be the best thing for you to do. Do you really want to be married to a man who is doing what he is doing, putting your health at risk and who does not seem to care all that much about you? Assets can be divided. And the two of you will still be co-parenting your child after divorce. You just will not have to put up with this nonsense.



.Yes he has issues .his mother died when he was 11 and he has severe abanonment issues. It would not surprise me if he really commits suicide if i divorce.






thank you for the advice


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You cannot remain married to someone to protect them from hurting themselves. It is just wrong. If he really would become suicidal if you divorce him, which I truly doubt, it is his responsibility to seek help for his condition, to get treatment.

Are you his nurse, or are you supposed to be his wife? Are you a psychiatrist? It is not your job to care for him. Leave that to the professionals.

If he says that will happen, he may be using it as a hook to keep you from having the life you need and deserve, free of his cheating and lies.

Whether it is with him or without him, you need and deserve a life free of cheating.

Lies, well, I have a unique problem so I cannot condemn lies too much. But cheating is wrong, and he is doing it.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

freshnikar said:


> I would say maried and fix him


You CANNOT 'fix him'. Only HE can 'fix him'. 

Honestly, in your shoes, I would leave. But that is the opinion of a stranger on the internet with no emotions invested. 

I do believe, however, that your best bet in moving forward (either with or without him, ultimately) is to divorce him. That is the only way you can let him know you are dead serious. From there, he will either fix himself, or he won't. But you won't be waiting silently in the wings while he makes his choice of what to do.

I divorced 10 years ago, very amicably, from a 15-year marriage with substantial assets (which, as noted by a poster before, can easily be divided) and three children, two of whom are on the autism spectrum. At this point in time, with excellent co-parenting, everyone is flourishing.

Live your life. Don't waste valuable time. Because once it's gone, you can never get it back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just so you know, when I say fix him, I say that because it's quite clear that he has emotional, if not mental, issues that are not normal. 

It is EXTREMELY hard for such people to improve or get rid of the issue. And even then, it rarely happens until they have lost everything and have nothing else to lose than to look inward.

Sure, you might be able to salvage the marriage, if you bow and scrape and kiss his ass enough. But what kind of marriage will that be?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And note, as EleGirl said most women don't orgasm from vaginal sex alone.

My wife feels little from vaginal sex. She needs lots of clitoral stimulation to orgasm. I never thought twice about it. I just always provided lots and lots of clitoral stimulation. I realized she needed it right away in our relationship, while dating, and always made sure she got lots of it. It should not be an issue to anyone.

My Mary needs other things too, which I didn't realize until too late, but that's another story. Somehow we survived that mess, but Mary was very sorry, and fought hard to stay married.

Don't let anyone make you think you are wrong for finding out when they cheat.


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## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

Ok I take one thing back.. I discovered the condom which had fallen out of the bag under the bed so it is not missing.

On thing I know he will tell me I'm over reacting and he is doing nothing just curious about what is going on and wanted to look. I'm not sure what kind of answer should I give him.


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## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> You cannot remain married to someone to protect them from hurting themselves. It is just wrong. If he really would become suicidal if you divorce him, which I truly doubt, it is his responsibility to seek help for his condition, to get treatment.
> 
> Are you his nurse, or are you supposed to be his wife? Are you a psychiatrist? It is not your job to care for him. Leave that to the professionals.
> 
> ...



Well I am a psychiatrist...:frown2: Yes I'm dead serious

My main fear is he will hide assets leave me with nothing or little.he is CRAZY about money.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Proof beforehand? That's for a judge and jury. If you are the only judge and jury, all you really need is one shred of anything that is out of place that raises the slightest suspicion. If he tries to explain it away, do not believe his explanations. Follow the 180 in EleGirl's signature.

If you need proof because you are in a state where having proof is useful for gaining leverage in the courts, then you may need to look further. I don't know about those issues.

Be sure to let EleGirl know what state you are in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

freshnikar said:


> he said in his sex life before being married he has never seen a girl this me


How many women was he with before you? He is not telling you the truth on this since it's not usual for women to be able to orgasms via intercourse. Maybe he was with women who lied about this. For example he seems to like escorts. Women who are paid for sex lie about stuff like what make them have orgasms to get the guys to finish more quickly and to make the guys feel like they are big studs so that the men will be repeat customers. And if he watches a lot of porn, female porn stars fake orgasm from intercourse all the time. They are paid to pretend.




freshnikar said:


> Yes he has issues .his mother died when he was 11 and he has severe abanonment issues.


He's a grown man. He need to deal with his mother's death if he had not already. 



freshnikar said:


> It would not surprise me if he really commits suicide if i divorce.


Has he threatened to commit suicide before? If so why? And what did you do?


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## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> You cannot remain married to someone to protect them from hurting themselves. It is just wrong. If he really would become suicidal if you divorce him, which I truly doubt, it is his responsibility to seek help for his condition, to get treatment.
> 
> Are you his nurse, or are you supposed to be his wife? Are you a psychiatrist? It is not your job to care for him. Leave that to the professionals.
> 
> ...



Well I am a psychiatrist...:frown2: Yes I'm dead serious

My main fear is he will hide assets leave me with nothing or little.he is CRAZY about money At the same time he gets scared very very quick and I don't think he wants to be on his own.One more thing I've observed is he hates me calling myself a "sexy kitty" and tried to treat me like a "baby" all the time. Can somebody decipher this behavior of his?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

freshnikar said:


> On thing I know he will tell me I'm over reacting and he is doing nothing just curious about what is going on and wanted to look. I'm not sure what kind of answer should I give him.


This is why you do not confront him until you have more evidence. All that will happen is that he will lie to you like this, and then he will be more careful in the future to not get caught.

Look for more evidence.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My history isn't what I would advise people to do. Mary thought I should edit out my treatment of her. So I did. I still wonder why she put up with me. She does think I am the right person to put up with her illness. Enough about that.

Do what EleGirl says.


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## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> This is why you do not confront him until you have more evidence. All that will happen is that he will lie to you like this, and then he will be more careful in the future to not get caught.
> 
> Look for more evidence.


Exactly what i"m thinking about . I am not sure how hard or expensive is it to hire a PI 

The other problem he is using private browsers to do all this leaving no proof. He is a IT manager I just happened to catch stuff


He does seem to love me but seems to want to treat me as a Baby all the time with no sexual interest. I am small and petite look 10 years younger than him .Anyone has an answer for this


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, there are ways, but if he knows computers and you are not very clever with them, it could be difficult. He might notice any new programs you install.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

http://relationshipyard.com/catch-cheating-spouse-keyloggers/

This site may have useful information.


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## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Well, there are ways, but if he knows computers and you are not very clever with them, it could be difficult. He might notice any new programs you install.


I'm good with them too but he might detect it. Also he is paranoid about someone stealing his bank info.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

freshnikar said:


> Ok I take one thing back.. I discovered the condom which had fallen out of the bag under the bed so it is not missing.
> 
> On thing I know he will tell me I'm over reacting and he is doing nothing just curious about what is going on and wanted to look. I'm not sure what kind of answer should I give him.


Your answer: "I don't care WHAT you think I'm doing. If you are doing nothing, PROVE IT. If you won't or can't prove it, I don't want to be with you. I shouldn't even have to be having this conversation in the first place, but YOU caused it. It's now your job to make it go away. Or be alone."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

freshnikar said:


> Well I am a psychiatrist...:frown2: Yes I'm dead serious
> 
> My main fear is he will hide assets leave me with nothing or little.he is CRAZY about money.


Which is why you should have ALREADY GONE to a lawyer to prevent that from happening.

Have you?


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## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How many women was he with before you? He is not telling you the truth on this since it's not usual for women to be able to orgasms via intercourse. Maybe he was with women who lied about this. For example he seems to like escorts. Women who are paid for sex lie about stuff like what make them have orgasms to get the guys to finish more quickly and to make the guys feel like they are big studs so that the men will be repeat customers. And if he watches a lot of porn, female porn stars fake orgasm from intercourse all the time. They are paid to pretend.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Just when I caught him cheating the last time with the Texas woman. He threatened it if I left and he did look dead serious I can tell


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## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

turnera said:


> Which is why you should have ALREADY GONE to a lawyer to prevent that from happening.
> 
> Have you?


No not yet. I don't have enough evidence According to law I need to catch him in the act.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

freshnikar said:


> Well I am a psychiatrist...:frown2: Yes I'm dead serious
> 
> My main fear is he will hide assets leave me with nothing or little.he is CRAZY about money At the same time he gets scared very very quick and I don't think he wants to be on his own.One more thing I've observed is he hates me calling myself a "sexy kitty" and tried to treat me like a "baby" all the time. Can somebody decipher this behavior of his?


You're the psychiatrist. You can't decipher it?

Anyway, deciphering: he has severe mental trauma due to FOO, he hates/fears adult women because of his mom leaving him and he wants his woman/women to be little babies because of his severe insecurity and need to know his woman/women won't leave him. Thus he seeks out women who can't hurt him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

freshnikar said:


> No not yet. I don't have enough evidence According to law I need to catch him in the act.


You don't have to have proof of _anything _to tell your lawyer to ensure your H can't take out money without your permission.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A threat of suicide is an attempt to control. How do you take back control over your life? By taking away what he can use to do it. If he threatens suicide, you IMMEDIATELY call 911 and say your H is threatening suicide, please get here immediately. Thereafter, any 'attempt' he makes is on his shoulders, not yours.

Most likely, however, he will never threaten it again because it WAS just a ploy and he never wants to be humiliated like that again.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

That's where we get to the idea of whether you need evidence or not. If you let EleGirl know what state you live in she can look at the laws, and see if it matters.

All the states I have lived in have no fault divorce, and adultery supposedly has little to no bearing on the results of the divorce. So in those states having evidence of adultery would be a moot issue.

Even in the case of claiming fault, which can be done in New York State, for instance: 

"Marital fault, which includes adultery, is not commonly considered by the court when awarding alimony and in dividing marital property. In particular, adultery will not automatically result in an award of alimony. Courts in New York will look for “egregious” behavior or acts by a spouse in considering an award, and courts have found that adultery by itself is not “egregious” enough."

From Adultery in New York: Does Cheating Affect Alimony? | DivorceNet.com

So the issue is, are you attempting to find proof in order to lay a groundwork for a fault divorce, or do you think you need it in order to get a divorce granted? Which of course all depends, likely, on what state you live in.


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## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

turnera said:


> You're the psychiatrist. You can't decipher it?
> 
> Anyway, deciphering: he has severe mental trauma due to FOO, he hates/fears adult women because of his mom leaving him and he wants his woman/women to be little babies because of his severe insecurity and need to know his woman/women won't leave him. Thus he seeks out women who can't hurt him.



I am a psychiatrist not a psychologist.I do the medication part only

What is FOO an abbreviation of ? I think you are right in your interpretation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

family of origin?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

freshnikar said:


> Well I am a psychiatrist...:frown2: Yes I'm dead serious
> 
> My main fear is he will hide assets leave me with nothing or little.he is CRAZY about money At the same time he gets scared very very quick and I don't think he wants to be on his own.One more thing I've observed is he hates me calling myself a "sexy kitty" and tried to treat me like a "baby" all the time. Can somebody decipher this behavior of his?


How old are each of you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

freshnikar said:


> Just when I caught him cheating the last time with the Texas woman. He threatened it if I left and he did look dead serious I can tell


Being a psychiatrist, you should know that people use threats of suicide all the time to get an upper hand and control other people.

So what you do is that if the threatens suicide you call 911. Have the police take him to a mental ward. It will be the last time he makes that kind of threat.


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## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Being a psychiatrist, you should know that people use threats of suicide all the time to get an upper hand and control other people.
> 
> So what you do is that if the threatens suicide you call 911. Have the police take him to a mental ward. It will be the last time he makes that kind of threat.



Yup I am 44 and he is 51


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

freshnikar said:


> No not yet. I don't have enough evidence According to law I need to catch him in the act.


Why do you need any proof of anything for a divorce?


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Just leave him. It may be difficult in the short run, but in the long run you will be so much happier not having to deal with this.

My 20-year-old niece (who is actually biologically the niece of my wife's AP - it's a long story) says if her boyfriend ever cheated on her, she would leave him instantly. She is a loyal person and expects loyalty in return.

I think people like you and me in their 40's could learn a lot from her.

My mother also divorced my father after 37 years of marriage, when my brothers and I were fully grown, after several affairs of his and porn addictions and depression and so on. And she says she is happier now than she has ever been.

Screw it. Just get out. You will be so much happier.


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## lisacolorado (May 2, 2017)

freshnikar said:


> We have been married for 15 years , the first years were fine for some reason I thought my husband didn't have a high sex drive as he never showed must interest only about once a month and it would be very mechanical so I never thought it would be an issue. I can't orgasm from the inside, he did make fun of it sometimes but admitted once that it made him feel inadequate as he can only please me with rubbing from outside. Again I didn't think it was a huge issue.
> 
> 
> I am so lost. i don't know what to do.Divorce is very hard as we have a large amount of assets plus an autistic child
> ...


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## lisacolorado (May 2, 2017)

Just a note about orgasm: Most women need manual stimulation.


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## freshnikar (May 23, 2017)

lisacolorado said:


> Just a note about orgasm: Most women need manual stimulation.


Wish he would understand. he claims it makes him feel his ding dong is of no use. Normal woman all"come from inside" according to him


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

meh, just print out a bunch of scientific articles about it and hand them to him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> meh, just print out a bunch of scientific articles about it and hand them to him.


Yep do this. There is nothing inside a woman’s uterus that can cause her to have an organsm. It’s the clitoris being stimulated that causes an orgasm.

You are apparently and educated woman, a doctor. You should already know this. And surely you know how to find scientific articles on the topic.

What is your husband’s educational background?

It sounds like he learned all he knows about sex on porn.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Every premed student I knew seemed to be aware the penis existed for male enjoyment. The girls in the study groups I went to were focused on the clitoris, and knew that's where their enjoyment came from. Those were the nursing students, because it was anatomy and advanced anatomy during the first two years.

But when I got accepted to medical schools, I chose not to go because of the cost.

I sure was tempted to go anyway, though, when I thought back to those study groups. Wow, what fun.


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