# Is this Normal to Fell this Way?



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

If you have read my previous threads, I dropped the D since she did not wish to work it out, wanted her freedom, wanted out...blah blah. I haven't pursued her and have not even called her one time since the talk. Due to finances we are still living together and roughly a week ago, she stopped coming home, except for a shower every other morning and for some strange reason comes home every Fri/Sat night and sometimes Sun. Strange I would guess. Anyway....it was my decision to file and she was not happy about it. I collected the forms I needed for uncont. but I am having a difficult time filling them out. Is that normal? I never in my life thought I would be doing this but I have to stick to my guns. Part of me wants to say, "Hey here they are, you walked out, you've been D before... you fill the damn thing out. But a large part of me wants to say, "I do not wish to pay for something I do not believe in but you pushed it to the point." Am I in a typical period??? Any input?


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

Totally normal, unless we're both weird. I'm in the early stages of divorce; STBX hasn't moved out yet, but said he will in a month. I'm the one who asked for the divorce, because my face was blue from all the fruitless talking and MC. He said he was mad about it, but didn't ask to work it out or anything. He isn't disappearing for days at a time, but lately has had an abnormal amount of excuses for going to work on his days off. I don't care why, and like it better when he's gone. Some days I'm all gung-ho, wishing he'd just go already, and other days, I wonder why I'm doing this. Then he does something to remind me, or I go through the list. Yes, I actually wrote out a list of reasons and refer to it when I start to lose my resolve. And like you, I feel I was forced to do something I don't believe in, but is necessary to save my sanity and health. Good luck to you and hang in there, we didn't come to this decision lightly, so we're doing the right thing and we'll be OK eventually.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

SP-I agree on I am happier when the STBX is not here. Gives me time to myself and to mourn. When she is here I avoid her at all costs. She tried to bring up chit chat like nothing has ever happened. I answer in a cold tone and exit the room asap. She has been fishing a bit lately. Is that normal?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

We filled out the papers and I will run them by courthouse Friday and see if they're all filled out correctly. I have to admit....it hurt. How I held it together is beyond me. I think I'm at a point of seeing a light at the end of the tunnel but still wanting to look back. I know it's normal or at least I hope. It's easy to see the picture if it's someone else but when it is your own....lol you really can't. She's been home a lot recently but I'm at the point, if you don't care to even talk I'd rather you not be here. And further more, when you virtually walk out on someone....don't expect to just waltz back in.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Divorce can be stopped at any time you know . This may shake her and make her understand you're serious 


Remember - woman LOVE decisive man ! 

Go ahead and file . Then just " watch and observe " and see her actions Again you can stop the process any time.

Good luck and stay strong , we're here for you .


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

She always loved the way I went after things and never took crap from nobody. Neither of us commuicated about our deep feelings. As for the day to day communication, it was great. But when the bottom dropped I stood up and was ready to dig in and fight for our 15 years. She was not. Well.....a D has to be in order (earlier post gives more detail). I always said the two dealbreakers are cheating and abuse (phy/ment). The night of the fight, I left to go to a friend's place and I said Proverbs 14:1. Will she snap out.....oh yeah....but she knows from my past.....when I wash my hands of someone.....there is no going back.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Today she took a day off work, came home, picked me up and we filed. Then after leaving....she asked to buy me lunch. D final in 60 days. She said well.....this is still my home for two more months. Right now she is cleaning the house.....the house which she will not get and the one she is at maybe half of the nights of week. Somebody help here lol. Is this typical?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I don't know bub. 

My opinion is if it's hard to do, if you're having second thoughts, may want to reconsider. But again, like BM said, you can stop it any time. 

Sit back and be patient? see how things go.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Chuck i am in the same boat, my STBX filed back in Sept. and i resonded. But we still have not set a mediation date. My STBX and i are separated but we rarely talk, just the kids exchanges.

I was thinking about filing mediation next week before xmas. But then i thought, why should i take time our of my day, and pay for it, even though it is not that expensive, its principal. 

Since she wants out then make her do the leg work, IMO.


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

My STBX is the same way, talks as if nothing's happened. Doesn't even mention the divorce other than to tell me houses he's looking at to buy. I think our STBX's are working on the mental transition; it's hard to walk way from a 17-year-marriage (in our case), which is nearly his entire adult life. If we asked for the divorce, we've had a lot more time than they have for that mental transition.

BTW, if you're having doubts, don't keep the divorce going because you're the type to never change his mind. Make sure you KNOW it's the right thing to do.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Update-I had to get out of the house Friday after all the courthouse stuff. Returned home, she was gone. She came in about 4:30 AM. Been here all weekend. We do not talk much at all, I try to stay away from her the best I can. Do I want to? No but I made three attempts, the night of the big talk, about a week later and I guess one more week later to work on this. The last attempt was in letter form and that is when she first agreed on the D. She started bagging up a few things but was "in no hurry at all." She spent last night looking through her mother's old pictures of her, siblings, etc. Today she started cleaning out a couple desks and the room where her mom stayed-she lived with us till she died.
I'm not big on organized religion but do believe in God. I have prayed about this. I don't mind riding the storm out but I will not be walked on. If she came to me and wanted to talk, I would love to but....I would make MC and IC a must or I would decline the talk. All that would do is maybe band aid it for a few months.
We argued some, not as much as most. We got along great. We just had trouble communicating and there were several unresolved conflicts that were of high priority that were rug swept. We have not kissed or hugged in about a month. She spurned my attempt to kiss her about 4 weeks ago and I have not tried since.
She takes clothes and puts them in her trunk, and returns early before work to shower, etc every other day. This started the week of Thanksgiving. But weekends....almost always here. If I have to wait until right before it is final for her to maybe get a reality check, I am willing. I don't want the D but when she wanted freedom, wanted out, being miserable....I called her hand right then. I know not letting her son come back home is part of the issue (she kicked him out two years ago, he is 23 now, no job, not attempt to, thinks world should all smoke weed and party). But what she forgets, I raised him as my own when we married, he was 7. I know it hurt her more kicking him out but I guess she failed to think it bothered me too. He was a great kid up until a couple years ago. When we married I wanted a child and she was aware. Health issues etc it did not come to be. I was very upset about this but....I still loved her and accepted it.
There were a number of things I did for her around the house that she really appreciated. When all this happened, I didn't stop doing them 100% but now I do it just enough for her to realize it every now and then. I catch her looking out the windows at the back yard, front yard in a tranquil way. She had an appointment with an OBGYN but I never asked what it was for and she never offered. She is 47 and having "that thing" more and more often and heavy. The change I guess, I don't know.
She usually offers up where she is going or been. I never ask. To me, you want your freedom, get along. We both stated we still love each other in the last letter attempting to try and talk, sent from me to her. Could there be something she is running from and is scared? But anytime in the past, when the chit hit the fan, she always came to me. To close this update here is a portion of her old my space profile; which she has not used in 3-4 years.

"I love to joke around and enjoy life...although since July 2007, I lost the most precious person in my life.. My mom...she was my best friend and mom. My world has been shattered in pieces since then. I am slowly picking the pieces of my heart up daily and putting it back together. I have one son who just turned 18. He is my joy in life. I am also married ....sometimes I just think hubby does not like me... We do disagree more than we agree.... guess that is all my fault...  "


Note: This had to have been done in the fall of 2007. At that time she was an emotional wreck and I was there for her 110% of the time to support her.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Oh well...I'll stop posting. Sorry


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> Oh well...I'll stop posting. Sorry


Why ? R ?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Honestly, I don't know where to put it. Advice to others, n/p at all. When it's your own lol. Just the roller coaster ride I guess. It's just a complicated mess and yeah only I could walk into one such as this. Just really stuck in a position I'm really not sure about.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> If you have read my previous threads, I dropped the D since she did not wish to work it out, wanted her freedom, wanted out...blah blah. I haven't pursued her and have not even called her one time since the talk. Due to finances we are still living together and roughly a week ago, she stopped coming home, except for a shower every other morning and for some strange reason comes home every Fri/Sat night and sometimes Sun. Strange I would guess. Anyway....it was my decision to file and she was not happy about it. I collected the forms I needed for uncont. but I am having a difficult time filling them out. Is that normal? I never in my life thought I would be doing this but I have to stick to my guns. Part of me wants to say, "Hey here they are, you walked out, you've been D before... you fill the damn thing out. But a large part of me wants to say, "I do not wish to pay for something I do not believe in but you pushed it to the point." Am I in a typical period??? Any input?


Hi Chuck and sorry to hear that mate.
Haven't read your full story but why bother pushing yourself with papers , who cares if it was a this or a that.
You can't be stuffed right now or whatever your provocative man chuck em in the draw for now doesn't sound like it's gonna make much difference anyway so who gives a fk.
lt'll add a bit of mystery for her.

Let her do em meantime if she's in any hurry but hey l don't think she is at all , l think she's confused .

ps , she might be crashing in the car just to take the pressure of at home.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

when she's gone...takes off...does she say where she's at or who's she's with?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Stella-I don't ask, most of the time she tells me. Except for yesterday morning I have pretty much been NC. When she is here, I do my best to avoid her. She started the carnage, so it is up to her to break the silence. I made it clear I wanted things to work, nothing more could I do?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

I agree. Dont crack chuck... she knows how you feel.

F her... she wants out, IMO, open the for her and dont stand in her way. 

Freakin WAW's!!! That is why i plan to go out and get a better upgraded version of my WAW. Newer younger version!! Lol. She said it herself.. guys have it easy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

i just cant get over the fact of not even trying to work through things. call me crazy but i always thought a marriage was something you would fight for. just doesn't make sense


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Work things out with someone who doesnt wamt to. 

Talk about beating your hrad aginst a wall. 

Einstien said it not me, insanity. Dont follow your feelings it is what got you here in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

it was not a plea by any stretch. I wish I had the draft i wrote it on. i hurt like hell but i do not let her know. i don't chase and i am not calling her. she crapped on the bed, she can clean it up.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Yes chuck u and hiroad are correct...I was just curious if she mentioned anything. I admire your stength in the 180...it was a big deal to text marty (dunno if u seen my thread) and ask him to quit the bullsht facad of wearing his wed ring here at work...killed me to see he just took it off...ppfftt...he was prolly relieved. But yanno it was something he never expected to hear from me. 
I wanna be better at 180...I actually have been via our only way of communication...text. but...180 don't phase him...I've tried it...not knowing it was the 180 of course...but tried it when we were together....not once ever did he come back 2 me...or say sorry...or break...or whatever....yaya...I know its not for 'that' but still...I'm just sayin...doing it doesn't phase this guy...'why'??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Stella-My older threads show a bit about what happened at first. If the other party doesn't want to work it out, time for D. When she is here she tries to chit chat and I'm Conrad (cool, firm, dispassionate). I need to find that draft and post it, I'm sure there are some who could see into it a lot more than me. Do I think it is salvageable? As the days go by, it gets less and less. My trust in her was not high before this but with her just bolting, it is gone and may not ever come back (my trust). Trust lost, all lost. I learned never say never holding things inside until you check out instead of bringing them up.....doesn't make sense. If she was 27 I could understand to a degree but she is 47.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Understood..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> Yes chuck u and hiroad are correct...I was just curious if she mentioned anything. I admire your stength in the 180...it was a big deal to text marty (dunno if u seen my thread) and ask him to quit the bullsht facad of wearing his wed ring here at work...killed me to see he just took it off...ppfftt...he was prolly relieved. But yanno it was something he never expected to hear from me.
> I wanna be better at 180...I actually have been via our only way of communication...text. but...180 don't phase him...I've tried it...not knowing it was the 180 of course...but tried it when we were together....not once ever did he come back 2 me...or say sorry...or break...or whatever....yaya...I know its not for 'that' but still...I'm just sayin...doing it doesn't phase this guy...'why'??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stella, dear.

The 180 has nothing to do with him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chuck,

Are you in therapy?


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> If she was 27 I could understand to a degree but she is 47.


Sorry, but if you are old enough to commit to a marriage you should be old enough to know that you have to communicate for one to work. 

It is not a difficult concept, yet it seems to be the one most women miss. We (men) are well-known for our lack of mind-reading abilities. Any woman that wants her man to do something (or something different) needs to speak up or get ok with the action.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

I agree lost... well said. Remember most if them come back at some point. If they really self reflect... it may work out.. but more than likely it will not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

LIS-The age reflection was merely an example. I am certain there are gals 22 y/o who have all the stuff together. Like in your case, the hardest part is not doing what your heart wants to. I am a firm believer in whatever led someone away will eventually lead them back. I am going through a trip from he!! but I see people where their spouse cheated, left their children and I think "damn I got off pretty freaking easy." My heart goes out to those people and esp. the guys I have boarded with over the last month. One thing I have learned is, I will get by. I will walk again. With her or someone else. As I told FS (btw is he doing ok?) that last corner is the hardest because that is when you let everything go, forgive, have that one last cry and walk towards the sun.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Conrad No I am not but I have a great friend whom I talk to. She really helped me through a rough time in 1994 and I returned the favour when she went through a D in 1997. We know each other like a book.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> Stella-I don't ask, most of the time she tells me. Except for yesterday morning I have pretty much been NC. When she is here, I do my best to avoid her. She started the carnage, so it is up to her to break the silence. I made it clear I wanted things to work, nothing more could I do?


YEs in the begining i did make it very clear that i wanted things to work in our M, but every since then (1st month of the S) i have been in NC.

I agree, she started this whol process so it is up to her to stop it. 

There is nothing more you can do, just to keep focusing on you.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> i just cant get over the fact of not even trying to work through things. call me crazy but i always thought a marriage was something you would fight for. just doesn't make sense


Chuck i feel the EXACT same way! Just last night i was contemplating asking my STBXW if this really the life she wants for our little boys.

But I always stop myself, partly because i know it is my feelings that will lead me to do stupid things, and i am not using my brain.

A rational person would tell us that if she wanted to stop this, she would! IF she wanted to change, she would!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

HiRoad-I was not perfect and I will admit it before anyone else. I am my own worst critic. But I gave all in wanting to save it. I went through a period of he11 but I'm coming out of it. It takes two to make a marriage and if she is confuced, MLC, whatever, I hate it for YA BUT i WOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE THERE TO SUPPORT YOU THROUGH ANYTHING. cap lock sorry. But it's in her court, I want it to be there. So if it's over she can bounce the ball and cry. I gave 110%


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

:scratchhead:


Chuck71 said:


> HiRoad-I was not perfect and I will admit it before anyone else. I am my own worst critic. But I gave all in wanting to save it. I went through a period of he11 but I'm coming out of it. It takes two to make a marriage and if she is confuced, MLC, whatever, I hate it for YA BUT i WOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE THERE TO SUPPORT YOU THROUGH ANYTHING. cap lock sorry. But it's in her court, I want it to be there. So if it's over she can bounce the ball and cry. I gave 110%


What do you mean by "you gave your all to save it" what did you do? How long did you try?

I am with ya, putting the ball in her court. I am a little confused myself on what to do with my WAW. Familyfirst, suggests i talk to her before the holidays, i am not sure about this. See below page 3

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/62644-what-do-w-walk-away-wife-3.html

We are in NC, and just set the xmas sched, soo confused.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I just want to get this off my chest. Whoever this person is that I am still legally married to and have to live in the same house with, is a stranger. The difference between her now and just 4 months ago blows my mind. Luckily I have kept myself level headed through this. Her behaviour is completely scattered. It's like she is possessed. It was all so simple, we both built walls and stopped showing each other attention. Her EA five years ago burnt something inside me......and discovering she still spoke to him email (he lived far away) three years later scorched what had been healing. Refusing to talk about it did not help me resolve things. I don't know what will happen to us (no kids) but whatever does, I have to say at one time....."I had the time of my life". If I never find love again, I can say, I climbed the highest mountain and enjoyed the view.
......On a different note, I chose to reclaim the bed. She wants to sleep in it as well, fine (I knew she wouldn't) but I moved my books and stuff from the other room so she can sleep there. It's hard to believe it's only been over a month when everything blew up. Sorry for the spill but I felt like I just had to say this to someone.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

No worries on venting. We all do it and this is the place for it. 

As you know, I definitely understand the concept of the stbx being a completely different person. Fact is: they are. You have to remember that and it is VERY hard while you still live with them. They look, talk, laugh, etc, like the person you loved, but that person is gone. 

If there ever is a R it isn't with that person. It is a new relationship with a new person. That is what so many of us lose sight of. You can't have the relationship you once had back. What we've been through changes that and makes it impossible. The best anyone can hope for is a new relationship with a different version of their spouse. 

I'm glad you can look back on your past and see the good in it. I'm not there yet (if ever) personally. Those were the best years of my life (especially the last 6 months of trying to start our family) but they now feel like a deception. 

Stay strong. The bed thing was a good move. You don't have to be the one to sacrifice. 

Do you have an eta on when one of you will move out. I can tell you hat makes things easier.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

She is said to be leaving. She is letting all her bills go. I can almost bet you after D she will file Ch. 7. The house she said she does not want, it is the house my mother sold to us at way under market value. I grew up in this house. She can leave, she is the one who is 'so miserable'. I always managed the finances. She manages money about as well as I could cut someone's hair (yeah that bad). She will crash and burn, that is evident. But I do not want her to return out of financial reasons. 

Yeah it wasn't all bad. I even offered to adopt her son. Her mother was a great woman. If someone would have told me at my college graduation I would be madly in love with a woman, with a child and had her mother living with her (she never learned to drive) within 18 months, I would have said 'yeah have another shot dude'. But it wouldn't have been love if it didn't hurt.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> HiRoad-I was not perfect and I will admit it before anyone else. I am my own worst critic. But I gave all in wanting to save it. I went through a period of he11 but I'm coming out of it. It takes two to make a marriage and if she is confuced, MLC, whatever, I hate it for YA BUT i WOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE THERE TO SUPPORT YOU THROUGH ANYTHING. cap lock sorry. But it's in her court, I want it to be there. So if it's over she can bounce the ball and cry. I gave 110%


MLC?

what's that?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

mid life crisis or a p1ss poor excuse to be an a$$


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I think pushing through a point of no return is a great thing but you have to feel a loss you have not experienced before. I think I am there. This has been a he11ish night and day for me. There's only so many tears you can cry. I lost my identity over the years. I guess that's what happens when you put your spouse before your needs. I will admit this time, pictures did bother me. They never had in the past. I hope this is the point where I turn the corner. I can't hold anger for who she was, I still love but whatever she is now.....I do not know.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

As I attempt to be as occupied as I can, I ran across an article. It makes for a lot of reflection.


If you are in a relationship, know that love never dies.
The only thing that dies is one or both partner’s energy to create a loving environment. I can’t tell you how many times a married person has said to me, “I love my husband but I’m not ‘in love’ with him anymore.” And I usually respond with “I hope not!”

If a couple is in a long-term married relationship and they expect it to feel like the delusion of early romantic love, they will never be happy. Boredom is not an excuse for a divorce. Boredom is a wake-up call that you haven’t been loving enough. Where’s that verb, that action word?

Ask not what your relationship can do for you. Ask what you can do for your relationship. Is today the day to go into action?


Note to self.........cancel internet.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Agreed Chuck. The problem is that logic and sense are useless in these situations. The article is great and I'm sure it's true ... Now make everyone's spouse read it and actually understand. 

As for turning the corner. You will ... Just don't expect to be "better" once you've done so. I can tell you from experience that there are many corners in this process and some of them are blind.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

You are so close.

Conrad's Saying: getting sick and tired of being sick and tired?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I hate to keep posting but I guess this blog still is the crux of what this is concerning. As I stated in another thread, I had that let it all out cry. I'm glad I can say that here without being judged, as guys aren't supposed to cry, etc. Anyway here is an update from this Monday to now. Home every night. Communication very little. Since we still live together I can't NC but I do leave and go to another room asap. I don't act cold I guess more....if the topic is chatterbox nonsense, I nod a few minutes and leave the room. No arguments. 

After I accepted the fact, letting her go was best, was when she began coming home nightly. She has no clue I have decided that. I have been chatting with an ex from awhile back on-line but it's not anything serious but has helped. Recently she has let all her bills go and began spending wildly. Her money, not mine. Due to finances, I am unable to go out and mingle but I'm fine with that. I have plenty of things to do around the house. Instead of paying a bill that could get her into very serious trouble....she joined two dating sites. It was paid through the account so it was meant for me to be seen. I never reacted. Although she likes to use my computer to check mail because it is easier to delete items than her smartphone. Up until then I did not mind. But the next time she asks, "I do not wish for you to use my computer to check out your dating sites."

On another note...she suffers from the beginning stages of diabetes. She used to try and eat right but I have noticed....fast food....chips...food that always returned her to the doctor for him to tell her, you are about to be a full blown diabetic and take shots daily. She smokes as well and was told her blood pressure is quite high. Claims she has cut back smoking, funny I see an empty pack about every day. Part of me wants to just grab her and say 'what in the he!! are you doing to yourself. you are self destructing.' But another part thinks, 'well you seems to now know what you want out of life and you claim I will not be in it so....hate it for ya!' Since she has been here all week....this house looks like a train wreck. When I was home all day, it did not bother me one bit to clean up after her. I don't any more because you no longer want me as your spouse. You clean up your mess.

Somedays it's hard when she is here. Due to finances, she can't just up and move out but she could stay with several friends as she did for awhile. I'm just joking but I have thought about telling her 'i love you' and maybe she would leave for awhile. I fear she will get sick (fairly common with her) and be put off work just about the time the D will be final. Her son, my step I raised and went wild couple years ago is in a complete downward spiral. And of course, she will help her son and I can see him pulling her right down with him. Neither have any coping mechanisms.

The spiral will come to a risen in a few days. We have auto ins. on all three cars, mine, hers and sons. It is auto w/d and last month I had to pay it for all three. I told her next month, she will have to hit all three and two actually being hers anyway. I watch her bank account dwindle. I will send her an email indicating you need to make sure $xxx.xx is in the bank to cover the car ins. I can already hear, I don't have it all. Well it will come through, grab an NSF charge. Or if it is rejected, neither of their cars are paid for and once ins. is dropped we all know what will happen with lean holders. Mine is paid for.

I have one more thing to add but I will wait until another time. But she is not packing up anything except a bag you get from Wal-Mart once a week. She is sleeping as much as she used to (poor eating). Just wish I could shake sense into her. I would the woman I knew but this is not one I know. If I am in the middle of something when she enters the den, I say 'give me a minute and I will be out of here.' She says I don't have to go (her world is that cell phone.....like a kid at Christmas) but, I feel like I need to and to a degree, want to. She is aware I would still welcome a talk about us, maybe an icebreaker. But the ball is in her court. Yeah I'm sure after I post this, I will realize I left some parts out. My IC / very close female friend told me after I told her about paying for those two dating sites, "I can only assume when she can't replace you she will be back.....". But I refuse to be a 2nd choice. Can anyone look into this a bit? Any females who can see more than I can (which isn't much). She has not tried to give me false hope or play with my emotions, well the dating site payments really got to me but it was what also pushed me to the point of climbing out of the hole. The only thing I would regret is breaking away and moving on and realizing, if I was a bit more patient, would we have broken through this? But I have to break away because that month in limbo is not something I will go through again.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Weekly update: Mostly working and coming home. I have almost completely detached. She posted a pic on one of her dating sites and she has the deer in the headlights look and appears confused. The D is roughly a month away and I have come to the conclusion, it will happen no matter what she does, as in making a possible breakthrough. I have pretty much concluded I will require her to move out and see what life is, without me around. I once thought, get the D but if she wanted to work on it, we could still live in the same house but I no longer desire that. We had a few arguments that escalated but I spoke with a smile throughout. We rarely fought, that was kinda our problem....built up resentment. Maybe if we argued like this a year ago, I would not be on TAM. She is doing things around the house a female would not do if she was soon to be leaving. She cooks and asks if I want any, I say thank you for asking but no. She still cooks it and leaves it in the oven. I can see in her eyes she is unsure what to do but I told her I was here if you needed to talk a few weeks ago. It does not need to be repeated. I still have yet to call her once, and I refuse to text period, to anyone. I am NC as much as I can. I try to sleep while she is here and awake. I don't know if I appear unapproachable since I have never acted this way toward her for over maybe a couple days. But I left the door open. Maybe she thought I would eventually chase her or break and beg her to stay.......don't hold your breath. I guess I still care because we have been together so long. But unless the first few years, there was always obstacles that limited our time together. And I will say, 80-90% was her fault. We spent a ton of time together in the beginning and it was like heaven. 
But this D stuff has been going on for two months. I'm wondering, some of the stuff she packed up, are still in that bag, nothing else has been added in about three weeks. She has not packed anything for a good while. So much for her being trapped, wanting out, freedom.....not happy. I thought when it is that bad, you grab your stuff and leave. Crash at a few friends house here and there. Guess I'm not 'that bad' to live with. I think having her move out after the D will either save it or kill it. But if a few months actually apart will decide it, it would have the same result if I allowed her to stay, and wasted several more years. I'd rather know now than later. I still do small things for her around the house, small and not often, just to let her know I'm still here even though I avoid you like the plague. She brings up topics about work, like she used to, but I just listen like I'd rather be doing something else. She knows things have changed and she will have to be the one to clean up the mess she made. This will be our first Christmas apart since we met. I have plans with an old friend and I will not break them. Not that she would want to spend it with me but she would be told 'i have prior plans'. No tree this year was a bummer. I talked her into a live one last year and she did a super job making it look beyond beautiful. I was burning trash the other day and I threw several wedding photos in it. It didn't bother me at all (yes there are still negatives left). So I guess I will close on this weeks update. Hoped to get a bit of insight about what this usually means.....maybe someone who has went through this. If not, I vented.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Sounds like you are doing great to me.

It is definitely hard living together, although it will be scarey to be on my own for the first time, I am actually starting to look forward to moving out so we can have some proper boundaries without being uncomfortable in what is both our homes etc.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I am writing this at my mother's house on Christmas Eve. As my annual tradition, I watch It's a Wonderful Life at 8:00. I get something new out of it every year and it takes back to a time when happiness was abound. I have posted on TAM for almost two months and have a few threads and spotty updates on others. My current post was updated yesterday. I had a feeling this would come to be.
As I was gathering things to travel across town to my mother's house, W asked me if I was going to stay all night. I answered I plan to (earlier post explains). She asked me to stay until she got out of the shower and I agreed. Then the sobs started. They increased to the point she fell on the bed that I have been sleeping in and cried like I had never seen her since her mother passed away. She begged me just to hold her. She said she missed her mother being the holidays.
Part of me thought, you started everything, now live with the consequences. But she was very close to her mother and I was as well. She was like my second mother. I miss her too. It's been five years. She did not appear to be wanted left alone but from my past posts, she would stay gone sporadically up until the morning I decided I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Ironic they occurred at the same time +/- one day. We are not communicating but my cards are all on the table and the last time I asked her to open up to me, she said just give me time.
I would have loved to have stayed home and invited mom out but for the last nearly two months, she has not shown any regard for my feelings. I focus on me now. You chose to want out and I respected that. I did not want it but you can't force anyone to stay. I know she misses her mother around the holidays but the tears she shed were for more than just her mother. I told her how wonderful her mother was but left it there. I always was there when she was depressed about her mother or anything. 
But our D is about a month away and being there for her is not in my agenda any longer. I enjoyed being with mom Christmas Eve and Christmas Day/Night. There were no dogs, no dog hairs on the bed sheets, no muck on my feet from walking barefoot on the floor. She has a sickness with those dogs. It is not healthy. All of her new girlfriends happen to be divorced with kids from multiple partners. Where have I heard that before? She will be dropped when they find another person to manipulate. Just like her son was done two years prior. When his user friends did not need him, he was dropped like a plague.
I can't post this now, mom has not net. But I will Wednesday.


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## stilllookingup (Oct 29, 2012)

Would you refresh my memory? Why is (or was) she insisting on now working it out instaed of divorce?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

SLU-There is a newer thread after this one. I will post it here


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/64013-crossroads-sink-swim.html


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## stilllookingup (Oct 29, 2012)

It's my H's night out and I plan on doing lots of reading and TAM tonight with McDonald's and my cats  Heading home now with food and read ur new thread 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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