# Loosing My Mind - Marriage Dying or Dead



## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Hi Everyone,
I'm 40 and married 10 yrs with 3 fantastic young kids. The problem is my wife who i still love and care for has no interest in the marriage and definitely none in me. 
Our marriage is void of any sex or physical contact and has been so for 5 - 6 years. My wife thinks this is normal and tells me that none of her married friends have any interest in sex either. 
I know many of you are out there are saying - " typicial, another man obsesssed with sex", but it is important, a marriage with no physicial contact is abnormal....so i think.
She goes walking everyday, goes to pilates, meets her friends and family for coffee reqularly. Is going abroad for a weekend in jan to visit her brother who is only leaving this week. She also has another girls nite out and stay over in a hotel planned for feb. 
Wheras i pay the mortgage and bills and never have money to have a social life. When not at work (Shift work) i mind the kids etc. Everyone tells me that i need to get out and get a life and i am getting out and joined a club last week.
The problem i feel is that she has so many outside interests that the marriage is not a priority for her. She is a great mother and good person deep down but i am broken at this stage. I can't take much more. we are getting marriage councelling but i feel that she is only going through the motions with that. We can't afford to seperate and i can see no end in sight....
Help.... just need someone to talk to...advice and critism welcome at this stage...
Thanks Jag


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i dont think you'll find anyone here that thinks your complaints about lack of sex is no big deal. many of us on here, myself included, are in sex starved marriages and I for one am well aware of the mental torment involved. Six years is a long time to go without any affection. It is legitimate grounds for divorce, IMO. 

Getting out and joining a club is a really good start. Its what ive done for myself, also. my H has tons he'd rather be doing then me and i used to sit around and dwell on it. but i stay really busy these days. i dont think you'll find that getting a life solves the problems in your marriage, but it can really help your mental health and confidence. im sure you're self-esteem is at an all time low.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm sure counselling will work out, there are many marriages in your shoes it seems.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If this is "normal", then marriage has, sadly, become an idiotic proposition. What intelligent male would enter into a marriage if he knew from the outset that he'd be cut off from intimacy and sex? If all someone wants is financial support, let them play the lottery or learn how to invest.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

You sound almost exactly like me. See my Same Old Problem thread. I am 40 been married almost 13 years with 3 young kids. We have "sex" about once a month. Now my wife doesn't have a big social life but at least yours is going to counceling. Mine refuses to go.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Marriage counseling won't do much to make her more interested in you. All that will do at this point is going to have her communicate better why she isn't attracted to you anymore.

Suggest you start reading my blog asap. This is exactly the sort of reason I started it for. Married Man Sex Life

Also "girls night out at a hotel".... hmmmm. Really? Maybe look into that.


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Me again..
Asked my wife if she was still attracted to me and that no sex in a marriage was crzy. She said she was and agreed to have sex on Monday night- Jesus maybe i should give up on marriage councelling and with money saved go to prostitutes... Anywat Monday comes along and quess what.....She has her period.... WTF.....This is a total sham....
I think its time to call this quits....I'm not going through 2011 a monk.....


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

And it's not like she doesn't know her own schedule! My wife tracks hers by her birthcontrol packs and I track hers (discreetly) with an iPhone app. It has not lied to me yet  

Sounds like you guys really need to sit down and communicate this through and set your boundaries my friend. Sounds like you've allowed her to make you her own personal doormat.


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

yes a doormat is exactly how i feel. She has so many outside interests that the marriage is not a priority....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jag,

Don't panic.

Read Atholk's blog.

You may also want to check out this link:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

I wish you well.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Also "girls night out at a hotel".... hmmmm. Really? Maybe look into that.


I'm glad someone didn't let that little diddy slip bye. Biggest red flag of the whole OP and it was just kind of passed over.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lack of sex is very common in - BAD marriages. It is quite abnormal in "good" marriages. As for her being a "good person" that is for you to decide. Why you think she is "good" when she cares nothing for your feelings and desires is a mystery only you can solve. 

As for her attempt to brainwash you that married people don't have sex - well that is pure blameshifting from a wife who likes the status quo and cares little/nothing for her H.

Let me guess the sex died right about the time your 3rd and last child was born.



JAG said:


> Hi Everyone,
> I'm 40 and married 10 yrs with 3 fantastic young kids. The problem is my wife who i still love and care for has no interest in the marriage and definitely none in me.
> Our marriage is void of any sex or physical contact and has been so for 5 - 6 years. My wife thinks this is normal and tells me that none of her married friends have any interest in sex either.
> I know many of you are out there are saying - " typicial, another man obsesssed with sex", but it is important, a marriage with no physicial contact is abnormal....so i think.
> ...


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I am responding to maybe see if you can figure this out by putting yourself in her shoes. I went through a period (and sometimes sitll find I am in this situation) where I avoided sex with my husband also. It was for a few reasons, first, I was beginning menopause (at 42) and found I just didn't have much interest in sex at all. 

Second, he was verbally and mentally abusive and I just had such a general hatred of him for this that I had absolutely no desire to be touched by him, it actually revolted me.

Third, I discovered a vast video collection of pornography on a hard drive he had (and on 2 or 3 old computers of his). There were about 400 or so videos, this from a man who often got on his soapbox about how porn was disrespectful to women and how he could not understand how men who were good Christians looked at porn. So basically he was acting like a TV envangelist with a secret life. The biggest thing that upset me was not so much the porn itself, but the fact that he had kept such a secret from me for so long and the extent he went to to preach the evils of porn while he had this huge interest/addiction to porn. Just made me feel I did not really know him. 

Lastly, I work pretty hard to stay in shape and he does not. He has gained about 45 pounds in the last 5 or 6 years and my initial attraction to him slowly dwindled as he took less care of his appearance. 

Not sure if any of this applies to your wife, but maybe consider whether it does nor not, or even ask her. I would think this would come out in counseling, but if she is just going through the motions then she is probably not being honest. 

I wish you well, you definitely deserve intimacy and sex in your marriage.


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## Tru2mself (Sep 3, 2010)

What I wouldn`t do if I were you is push the issue , the more you push it , the more resitance you are going to get . turn the switch in your brain to something else .


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## HappyClappy (Nov 23, 2010)

Hi, I thought I would also give you the 'wife' point of view, it might help. My H and I have been married for 11 years, one child. I started to loose interest in him when I found myself staying at home and him out socialising, no involving me, coming home drunk at 2, 3 am. He never listened or cared how lonely I felt and never wanted sex. then I started to realise he also tells me lies, little lies, like agreeing to go to the doctors, and saying he had, or going to counselling, making a phone call etc, I find out weeks later that he never did that, he just said he did and gave me details so I'd stop asking. He also withholds money so I get financially stuck. He never showed he cared when I felt down or worried about something. Over time, I started to feel cold when he touched me. I must say that for a good few years, I put up with this and still tried to give him a chance, but like the other lady here, he doesn't care about his appearance or hygiene, so now I actually have cold feelings towards him. He doesn't socialise anymore, is rude to people and criticise my friends. he is emotionally abusive. I am staying with him for as long as I can for my son's sake!! So this is not a criticism to you, but please check what things you have done to contribute, no body is innocent!! I did this for years and we had counselling and nothing I changed has made a difference. But if you self check, you might be able to improve something, or if not, then at least you have tried everything. Sex is an important part of marriage, it keeps the flow of love and energy between the 2 people who are meant to share their lives together 'until death us do part'. So why does she say it's not important, find out why she thinks that? Also, loving, trusting intimate sex keeps us healthy and happy. It keeps us trusting and wanting the other person. after all, if 2 people in a marriage didn't share sex, then they are friends, aren't they? Well, who signed up for a partnership for life then? why let the side down? The boat has to be rowed on both sides at the same time or it won't go forward, it would just go in circles. I hope you take time to think this through, it will be good for you even if you separate. Best wishes.


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

The heating, demisters etc have gone in her car. She asked me today if i rang obout the warranty on the vehicle. I decided there and then that i wasn't going to be her doormat anymore. So in the nicest way, i said no, but you can ring them, it's only a phone call. She immediately went on the attack and said was it back to this again and was this all over not getting "My Hole" on monday night (Her Words).
I said no its over you not putting in any effort in this marriage because you have too many outside interest and couldn't care less. I was asked if i was going to throw this in her face at councelling. I said councelling was a way to express our feelings. So its clear she is only going through the motions where councelling is concerned.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

JAG,

I've been in a marriage of 20+ years with a distinct lack of sex and appreciation these last few years. My kids from my first marriage are grown and doing well. I'm retired, but very much alive, and have been sexually frustrated for all too long.

I moved out in November, going from boring CT to wonderful San Francisco. I've been meeting women in their 50s and 60s with active libidos, what a pleasure it is to once again make love, hold and be held, appreciate and be appreciated.

I don't think your wife will change, she may or not be having an affair.

I think it is time for you to separate and think seriously about divorce, I doubt marriage counseling will get you back together, more importantly as too many young and not yet middle aged late friends have demonstrated tomorrow is not a certainty. Enjoy your days while you can.



JAG said:


> Hi Everyone,
> I'm 40 and married 10 yrs with 3 fantastic young kids. The problem is my wife who i still love and care for has no interest in the marriage and definitely none in me.
> Our marriage is void of any sex or physical contact and has been so for 5 - 6 years. My wife thinks this is normal and tells me that none of her married friends have any interest in sex either.
> I know many of you are out there are saying - " typicial, another man obsesssed with sex", but it is important, a marriage with no physicial contact is abnormal....so i think.
> ...


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

After 6 years of no sex, you are not husband and wife any longer, you are roomates only. If my wife shut me out sexually (even for one year) then to me it would be over. We have our issues and yes, my wife's desire for me has dropped significantly over the past four years (for several reasons her libedo has dropped, she harbors resentment towards me for too many reasons to go into here, etc). but we still manage to have sex at least once a month when she wants it. I could have it more too, if I kept bugging her to, but she would just lie there motionless until I was done (no kissing or anything like that) so I usually don't ask much anymore. She does realize though that even though we have many issues to work on with eachother, sex is a deal breaker for me. If there is any, then I am done. Kids or no kids. I don't need a roomate, and if I had one, I certainly wouldn't be paying all their expenses like I do my wife. It sounds like sex is a deal breaker for you as well. If it is, then tell her so, and decide on a MINIMUM amount of sex that would be acceptable to both of you. Then hold her to it. You both definitely need to bring this up at counseling. You need to be intamite in a marriage, otherwise it is not one. She will probably bring up issues she has with you as well, so be prepared. Good luck!


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

I rarely socialise as i pay most of the bills, so i don't have the disposable income to enjoy on myself. However she has no problem buying clothes on line constantly. I do all the house work, cleaning, gardens, cars etc. She irons etc. We look after the kids equally but no matter what i give up or get her, there is barely a thanks.... this is just a little thing but its nice to be appreciated for the small things. I spent 14000 on a ring for her at x-mas. It was the one she wanted and i got thanks and a peck on the chhek. i got a voucher. When at her parents for x mas dinner she told anyone when asked that she got a coffee maker (well she did from the kids). Its almost like she is ashamed to show that i treated her well then she can have nothing to moan about me for......


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jag,
Sorry that this is true but:
- if you look like a doormat and
- lay there like a doormat
- and "sound" like a doormat

You cannot be surprised when people treat you like a ....

Buying her an expensive ring when she is treating you like dirt strongly reinforces the message that you are perfectly fine with how she is behaving. 

You cannot "buy" your way out of this. Either stand up for yourself and be willing to risk the marriage ending or nothing will change. 

That doesn't mean you go home and threaten divorce it means you steadily reduce how much love you are showing her AND you continue to be fun/upbeat and so forth. You ALSO insist on an equal split of discretionary money. And you learn to say "that is unacceptable" when she tries to control all the money, or does anything else blatantly unfair.

And unacceptable has to mean there are consequences - real consequences. Like doing less to be helpful - stop saying ILY. 





JAG said:


> I rarely socialise as i pay most of the bills, so i don't have the disposable income to enjoy on myself. However she has no problem buying clothes on line constantly. I do all the house work, cleaning, gardens, cars etc. She irons etc. We look after the kids equally but no matter what i give up or get her, there is barely a thanks.... this is just a little thing but its nice to be appreciated for the small things. I spent 14000 on a ring for her at x-mas. It was the one she wanted and i got thanks and a peck on the chhek. i got a voucher. When at her parents for x mas dinner she told anyone when asked that she got a coffee maker (well she did from the kids). Its almost like she is ashamed to show that i treated her well then she can have nothing to moan about me for......


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Thanks for the advice and yes i have stood up to her today. I told her to sort the car out and that i was no longer her doormat. I told her that from today things were changing. The car can sit in the drive for the next year but i swear i won't lift a finger to sort it. Its her problem..... No no longer am i the butler and babysitter. I'm doing things for myself and she can pay her way or do without.... there is no badness or maliciousness in it, its just standing up at last for myself....
Jag


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Be prepared.

Your W is very likely to deliberately do things to try to make you angry. This is your "punishment" for being "difficult". Expect her to do it. When she does - just stay calm and tell her you will speak with her when she is willing to be constructive. And then walk away. 

Don't raise your voice - don't complain. Just refuse to let her provoke you. If need be - sleep in another room.




JAG said:


> Thanks for the advice and yes i have stood up to her today. I told her to sort the car out and that i was no longer her doormat. I told her that from today things were changing. The car can sit in the drive for the next year but i swear i won't lift a finger to sort it. Its her problem..... No no longer am i the butler and babysitter. I'm doing things for myself and she can pay her way or do without.... there is no badness or maliciousness in it, its just standing up at last for myself....
> Jag


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JAG said:


> Thanks for the advice and yes i have stood up to her today. I told her to sort the car out and that i was no longer her doormat. I told her that from today things were changing. The car can sit in the drive for the next year but i swear i won't lift a finger to sort it. Its her problem..... No no longer am i the butler and babysitter. I'm doing things for myself and she can pay her way or do without.... there is no badness or maliciousness in it, its just standing up at last for myself....
> Jag


Jag,

Head on down to the Men's Clubhouse.

Many threads there filled with similar situations.

Get ready for fitness tests.

But, this time, you will pass them.


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Well at the counselling session i brought up all my grieviences etc. Aired how i felt that i was been treated as a doormat etc. Gave examples of all esp how i felt it was very selfish of her to arrange so many nights out with her friends when her marriage was in such trouble.
She cryed through session and said she was so upset because i basically slated her. It was a pure attack on her. Therapists don't get into the blame game and really didn't help much. 
Now things are ten times worse. We have barely spoken since last Thursday....
I'm now begining to think that maybe i expect too much from this relationship. maybe we should just live together and do our own things....I really am so tired now that i don't even know if anything is worth bothering about anymore.....


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Don't cave yet. Of course she's going to whine and cry and pull the "pity me" crap. Hang tough. You have to be willing to risk losing your marriage to have any chance of saving it.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

MrK said:


> I'm glad someone didn't let that little diddy slip bye. Biggest red flag of the whole OP and it was just kind of passed over.


I've been here a while MrK. Voice of experience...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I total aggree with major misfit. I call it tough love. 

Respect is earned. so stand your ground and protect your self. Take control of the money and make sure she doesnt bleed you dry at the bank.


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