# WS shocked about AP true colors



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Why is the WS surprised to learn that their AP lied to them?
My WW believed everything OM had to say,if he said it was true,she took him at his word.
The lies, all big and small she gobbled up.He's got a ton of money?No, he's got creditors looking for him including the IRS.Has a CDL license,no again,doesnt even have a regular license,makes 80K a year,another lie,he's a supervisor ,nope.
It just bugs the hell out of me how a WS can take everything as a fact that the AP had to say.
After a lot of digging and having my WW sit down and read the proof did she finally see what OM was.Even the little stupid things like never wanting a cell phone,OM could barely affort it and credit was so bad no company would offer him a contract.
So,how can a WW believe everything a AP has to say? Even when its as plain as the nose on your face that things just dont add up.
Anybody else surprised at how gullable or blind their WS was?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Fantasyland is fun!!

There's unicorns and rainbows and lollipop trees!!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Humans have an unlimited capacity to see what we want to see. Advertising works because we will believe anything. Once we are primed with a certain mindset, we will twist facts to fit our vision of reality.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Nope. Because the OM/OW is their world during the affair. I saw in their messages that OM told her she needs to drink more water because she must be dehydrated all the time and she replied that she will do what he says because she knows he loves her and cares about her......yet I've been telling her the same thing for years and she never listened to me.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Having been on the other side AR is pretty much right. Additionally you don't want to believe that you would do that to someone you love for someone who's less than a nice person. There's also the aspect of since you and the AP were involved in the affair together, if the AP is a lousy person and a cheat - what are you?? Just another of those moments you have to face yourself in the mirror, look at yourself and ask WTF????


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

They believe it because they want to.

Makes the high better.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> They believe it because they want to.
> 
> Makes the high better.


It's never as much fun to believe you're in love with a bum.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Fantasyland is fun!!
> 
> There's unicorns and rainbows and lollipop trees!!


However, in Fantasyland, evil does exist

There is always an ogre or a witch (aka the BS) trying to prevent you from living in Fantasyland


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

It's the subliminal messages,they give off....dont know why, I'm going out to day and buying some dancing turtles.....


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> However, in Fantasyland, evil does exist
> 
> There is always an ogre or a witch (aka the BS) trying to prevent you from living in Fantasyland


Yes I can see that,the BS ends up being evil and the AP is the hero. WW gets it now but it took a lot of proff and convincing,the ex AP even started talking trash about my WW,bad things that could have possibly gotten her hurt after I blew up the affair,sometimes WW still seems to be shocked at what she believed and the things OM said about her after the affair
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

calvin said:


> Why is the WS surprised to learn that their AP lied to them?
> My WW believed everything OM had to say,if he said it was true,she took him at his word.
> The lies, all big and small she gobbled up.He's got a ton of money?No, he's got creditors looking for him including the IRS.Has a CDL license,no again,doesnt even have a regular license,makes 80K a year,another lie,he's a supervisor ,nope.
> It just bugs the hell out of me how a WS can take everything as a fact that the AP had to say.
> ...


Is this due to FOG? Sometimes romantic and dreamy, but you can't see things properly...


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Having been on the other side AR is pretty much right. Additionally you don't want to believe that you would do that to someone you love for someone who's less than a nice person. There's also the aspect of since you and the AP were involved in the affair together, if the AP is a lousy person and a cheat - what are you?? Just another of those moments you have to face yourself in the mirror, look at yourself and ask WTF????


Excellent points. 

My STBEH had the audacity to initially tell me what a good person the OW was and he convinced me not to "ruin her life" by outing her. I did not out her. Someone else did. 

Still, I said to him this woman is a serial cheater who neglects her 4 children to go out with married men. How nice can she be. 

But, the thought did cross my mind that he needs to see her as a nice person because he wants to still see himself as a nice person.

The thing is, she may be a nice person, as long as you are not her spouse. Also she painted her husband as a bully and neglectful.

The OW's own father told me that was not true. Her husband was kind and generous with her and the in-laws and they appeared to have a very affectionate loving relationship


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That is like with my H's EA..she was filipino and he met her in Singapore and ironically she wanted to come to Canada where her friend lives now...being the brilliant mind that H was never saw thru that at all. Everybody else after his EA first thing they said..couldn't he see that he was probably being used.

Nope not H..no she loved him totally..never shared a kiss or anything like that but she was going to love him forever (when she got to Canada)...my ass!!! Plus she had a young son who lived with his dad back in the Phillipines but she told him that is what the women in the phillipines do they leave their children to go make money out of country...bull****!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I have a pretty good bulls!t detector which makes this hard for me to understand how she could'nt see through him,I really believe he was trying to move into my house,thats what he does,moves in with a woman,uses her and then when the current girlfriend gets wise to him,he moves on.There are no records of his divorce either,another one she fell for.Even the little lies like he had to hang up his cell because the cops pulled him over,no law in our area against talking on phone and driving,not yet at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

wow your ww sounds like my ww and they met the same man


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

calvin said:


> I have a pretty good bulls!t detector which makes this hard for me to understand how she could'nt see through him


Easy, she didnt want to.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

calvin, why is it your problem who she decides to lay down next to?
If you passed the STD test you surely had administered for your 
protection, your issues should be over.
If you want to help her, suggest she have a PI run a check on the next guy she's with.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Yep and those felony charges,of course innocent,just taking the wrap for his little brother....uhg
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

because.....they are soul mate schmoopies

WH and OW: Our Love is Real - YouTube


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

That's why affair relationships only have a 3% success rate. They're built on much deceit and BS, inevitably the cheating party gets a pretty sobering wake up call. Like pit said, many purposely overlook all these "drawbacks" to sooth their guilt and mentally justify their cheating.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If cheating spouses acted with their head instead of with their hearts, they would see quite clearly what an opportunist the AP is.

Following your heart makes as much sense as taking advice from a temper tantrum 4 year old.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

hookares said:


> calvin, why is it your problem who she decides to lay down next to?
> If you passed the STD test you surely had administered for your
> protection, your issues should be over.
> If you want to help her, suggest she have a PI run a check on the next guy she's with.


?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Funny thing is, my ex when she finally sorta fessed up told me it was just sex she had no intention of having relationships with the guys, they were just players and she knew it - maybe that was just part of trickle truth though? I suspect she was at some point hoping to land one of those guys and make him hers. She found a different guy, looks like maybe a good catch, if she keeps him a part of me is kinda curious how it will turn out for her (I only hope she has the wits to not be fed any bullsh... after all that is my son's mother).


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

ChattyCathy - OMG! The Schmoopies - I just watched all of them. I never knew I could feel humor and sadness at the same time. I laughed and cried so hard. I want to show these to my WH, but not sure how that would go over - this almost makes me understand the "fog" that everyone talks about...so unreal. Thank you for posting and sharing! I have not laughed that hard in a long time - cried yes, but laughed, no


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

LookingForTheSun said:


> ChattyCathy - OMG! The Schmoopies - I just watched all of them. I never knew I could feel humor and sadness at the same time. I laughed and cried so hard. I want to show these to my WH, but not sure how that would go over - this almost makes me understand the "fog" that everyone talks about...so unreal. Thank you for posting and sharing! I have not laughed that hard in a long time - cried yes, but laughed, no


The really funny part - and disgusting at the same time - is that is so amazingly close to how it really goes. My wife and I watched all of them and damn near died laughing so hard. Having been in the fog myself - it's really just that stupid.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Sigma - I know your story is a bit different than many on here, being that you are well into R and have a good head about it all....that being said, what do you think about sharing this w/WS still in the early stages of R? I am actually finding humor in something so messed up - not sure he could at this point where he is self hating - just thinking maybe it could lighten the mood of it all or make him feel worse. I also copied a link for the female narcissist - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJP0***6oWY&feature=related - it is kind of scary, enlightening and funny at the same time because I pointed out many of the actions and trates to WS during the first few months after Dday and he just blew me off more or less, but upon last contact said that he relized just what she was - wonder if showing him this would be counter productive at this point too - but what is kind of scary is that he also (has also) exhibited some of the same behavior towords me and our marriage (more so during the affair).....a true narcissist, or has he just been in a fog and now sees the error of his ways?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Sigma - I know your story is a bit different than many on here, being that you are well into R and have a good head about it all....that being said, what do you think about sharing this w/WS still in the early stages of R? I am actually finding humor in something so messed up - not sure he could at this point where he is self hating - just thinking maybe it could lighten the mood of it all or make him feel worse. I also copied a link for the female narcissist - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJP0***6oWY&feature=related - it is kind of scary, enlightening and funny at the same time because I pointed out many of the actions and trates to WS during the first few months after Dday and he just blew me off more or less, but upon last contact said that he relized just what she was - wonder if showing him this would be counter productive at this point too - but what is kind of scary is that he also (has also) exhibited some of the same behavior towords me and our marriage (more so during the affair).....a true narcissist, or has he just been in a fog and now sees the error of his ways?


My short answer is if he is to the point where he can laugh at himself about it - where can call himself a dumbass and not get broken up about it - AND - you are to the point where you're ok with him treating it in a humorous tone then yeah - they were great relief for my wife and I - but done to soon I can see where they would be serious trigger. 

As far as if he's a true narcissist or was in the fog - you're in a much better position to answer that. Forgive me - I can't recall at the moment - but do you believe he is genuinely remorseful?


ETA - link didn't work for me??


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## canttrusthim (Apr 22, 2012)

I found the link to the Female Narcissist: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJP0***6oWY

Ah, the TAM autocorrect is modifying the URL... take this URL and remove the space:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJP0FU k6oWY


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here is a story that happened to me. I had a girlfriend who I loved very much. It was my first relationship, she was a few years older than me (actually, more than a few years, she lied about her age) and had a baby girl who was a year old and I started to bond with her daughter.

Suddenly the relationship hit a brick wall, I was given the 'I love you, but I am not in love with you any more' line, 'let's just be good friends now' and other platitudes.

I found out the truth. She had met another man. I was a technician in a foundry laboratory, he was a millionaire property developer, with a string of properties all over the North of England. So I had to be got rid of, simple as that.

However, by a set of coincidences myself and two female friends, ended up with them at one of his properties in Leeds.

One of the friends was furious as she felt sure my ex had set up the situation in a callous attempt to make me see there was no chance of us getting back together.

However, I looked round the house and the area it was in and realised that something was wrong. If he was a millionaire why was he living in a ratty, tumbledown terrace house in Chapeltown, Leeds? It was the red light district of Leeds, at that time notorious for a prostitute murderer who was still at large. I was there with two female friends and my ex and felt very uncomfortable about it.

Anyway, a couple of weeks later back home in the Midlands, my ex decided to introduce her new millionaire boyfriend to a married friend of hers (also a friend of mine), and the married friend's husband.

When they were introduced the situation became very awkward, when friend's husband said, coldly: "We've met!"

New boy friend looked like a rabbit in a flashlight beam (her friend told me, later) and husband said to him: "So, how was prison?":rofl:

Turned out that'd both been members of the same Salvation Army Citadel some years earlier in Leeds and he had been jailed for several fraud schemes.

The house was not even his, it was owned by his elderly mother.

My friend told me she had later torn into my ex and shouted at her: "You knew how Matt felt about you, you knew how well he and your daughter were bonding, and you threw it all away for an ageing conman! Good god, your own dad's better looking than him, and he is 70!"

Do some people want to be conned?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

canttrusthim said:


> I found the link to the Female Narcissist: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJP0***6oWY


The video is broken? Validation error?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Sigma - let's try the link again - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJP0***6oWY&feature=related
If that does not work, it is a cartoon The Female Narcissist on youtube.

I do think he is remorseful. He says that he has and is telling me everything, and it sure has been a lot, but I still think he is holding something back - could be additional info that he thinks will erase any progress we have made since we have agreed to move on from the past (since I am still a bit defensive I can't help but think this), or it could just be (as explained to me by a good friend yesterday), that he is now speaking the language of truth and it is foreign and uncomfortable to him. That as he makes progress with time, he will be able to relax more and open up more. That right now he can tell the truth but it is embarressing and makes him feel weak and keeps his errors at the forefront of everything , even his attempt at moving past it.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

MattMatt - how are you today? Are you in a good place/relationship now?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> MattMatt - how are you today? Are you in a good place/relationship now?


Yes. In the main. 

That relationship was when I was in my early 20s, 1979 or 1980.

I have been with my wife since 1989. And the whole story is interesting, never felt able to share it with anyone. Maybe this site is the place where I can do that? I am feeling more comfortable, now, having found the site by accident whilst researching something entirely different at work.

My wife is interesting to live with, as she is a high functioning Asperger and as I say, life can be very interesting.

Sometimes I don't know if I am coming or going.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Oh My H's AP was just darling(gag). That is if you dont know she got pregnant by her married college professor. If you dont know she aborted that child so her now H wouldnt know. If you dont know she claims all the glory for all of her H's accomplishments and says he would be nothing w/o her. If you dont know she has slept her way to her current position....If, If , If.....Im sure she is a lovely girl if you dont know her. I havent told my H any of this. Dont know if I will. But I know and it makes me sick to know what I was traded for. He believed all of her flattery and bs. The crap she spewed...wow. I dont know if he'd be shocked. I can only image he would.

All he knew was she tucked her hair behind her ear alot. That she was "young, thin and powerful" . Ha dont forget nasty, homewrecking sl*t. Ahhhh. The fog.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Ah yes the fog,sometimes I wonder about that.
I was about to be traded in for a man child with whom she would have found similar problems like in any marriage but OM could'nt even function in day to day life.She would have ran into some REAL problems with OM,the guy is one step away from being homeless,does'nt have patients,serial cheater and he's just flat out stupid,no goals,no contingency plans for any problems life throws at you.I dont depend on people,people depend on me and I have helped many others out in times of need,its the way I was brought up.OM told her he doesnt own any tools and does'nt know how to work on anything,maybe thats why she told me we could always be friends still and I could come around when things needed to be fixed,yeah I'll get right on that for ya! 
If anything happends to me my family will be ok,OM spent what little money he had at the bar.How can I compete with a man like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

And he was an upgrade from me in her eyes,he would have hurt her,makes me sick.Christ.I love MC night...ugh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

calvin said:


> maybe thats why she told me we could always be friends still and I could come around when things needed to be fixed,yeah I'll get right on that for ya!
> If anything happends to me my family will be ok,OM spent what little money he had at the bar.How can I compete with a man like that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*DOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

When someone says something like that, doesn't a kitten die, or has that 'feeeel the lurv' comment confused me?:scratchhead:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> Ah yes the fog,sometimes I wonder about that.
> I was about to be traded in for a man child with whom she would have found similar problems like in any marriage but OM could'nt even function in day to day life.She would have ran into some REAL problems with OM,the guy is one step away from being homeless,does'nt have patients,serial cheater and he's just flat out stupid,no goals,no contingency plans for any problems life throws at you.I dont depend on people,people depend on me and I have helped many others out in times of need,its the way I was brought up.OM told her he doesnt own any tools and does'nt know how to work on anything,maybe thats why she told me we could always be friends still and I could come around when things needed to be fixed,yeah I'll get right on that for ya!
> If anything happends to me my family will be ok,OM spent what little money he had at the bar.How can I compete with a man like that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


GAG. H's AP was successful in her career. A CFO but she didnt get there totally on her know how, a lot of 'blow who' too. She got a guy at her last job fired for basically nothing b/c he had been in an A w/her and he broke it off. So she wasnt a loser in the sense of achievement but she is a loser in WHO she IS. I want to tell him/prove to him all of this(yes I can prove it)so bad but I want him to be done with her b/c its what he wants not because of any of this. BUT GOD it would be glorious!!!!! Btw, your girlfriend-what a winner. Next time look past those batty green eyes and blonde hair and look at her core.


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## betamale (Apr 25, 2012)

It seems to me that your wife was victim of a con artist, but nobody put a gun to her head. She needs to pay for the consequences.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

betamale said:


> It seems to me that your wife was victim of a con artist, but nobody put a gun to her head. She needs to pay for the consequences.


She knows that and she is ,lots of fun all around
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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