# So much for time alone



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I was planning on taking the majority of yesterday to myself so that I could decompress from two straight days of family events. My thoughts were overwhelming me and I needed some time alone to just think.

I was hoping that my wife and at least one of my adult daughters would go out shopping with her. But, neither daughter wanted to go with her. And I had already expressed my desire to be alone.

After I learned that neither of the girls wanted to go with her, I knew that I had to trash my plan and spend time with her. Well, I found her crying in the bedroom saying that no one wanted to be with her. 

I told her "Let's go", and we left. I dropped her off at a mall (as we discussed) while I took the loaner car to the dealer so that I could pick up our car. Our car wasn't ready, so I sat around at the dealer for two more hours while she shopped. When I finally did get our car, I picked her up at the mall. She had only one bag. She never does this. I asked her if she wasn't in the mood for shopping, and she said "no". 

She knows that I don't enjoy shopping with her anymore, mainly because I do nothing while she shops. So this killed her shopping desires. So we went out for dinner. We both had a stiff drink with dinner. We both felt awkward. Hardly talked much during dinner.

We decided that I should prepare a lasagna (put together and keep in the refrigerator until ready to cook) for the following night for when our oldest daughter and her husband arrive in town for a few days. Well, that showed her once again that she can't cook because I was doing all of the work. She did finally help do that last two layers. But I could see that it bothered her. I thought nothing of it since I've been doing the cooking from day one. So I didn't mention it.

I feel asleep while she took a bath. But at least we were in the master bedroom together. 

I think things are starting to hit her hard. The depth of the EA, the incompatibilities between us that were always there, and the new incompatibilities from my change. Yet we still tell each other "I love you".

One day at a time I guess.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Sigh, you're not even trying at all. Why are you still even in the marriage when clearly you've given up already.

Please get it over with quickly instead of dragging your poor wife through your mess while you try to figure things out. You're slowly killing her by doing this. Or are you hoping that dragging her through hell she'll eventually get the message and leave you?

Do yourself and her a favor (along with your daughters) either get with the program and work on the marriage or just file for a D and get it over with.

This is not one day at a time, this is crapping on her hoping she'll be the one to kick you out. I hate shopping with the wife but I still go sometime and now I just keep my mouth shut when I do go. If it makes her happy to have me around then I'm happy enough to go and suffer the 2-3hrs of shopping


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My dad used to bring a book when he went shopping with my mom. He'd find a chair in the store and read while she shopped.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I had offered to get the car for her while she shopped. She agreed to that. The time it took was much longer than what the dealer stated. 

I haven't given up. I'm struggling.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It was an awkward Christmas weekend for us as well. So many of the traditions that we have had for almost 30 years went right out the window and I mean husband and wife traditions. I think things hit me hard since her affair went from and EA to a full blown PA at about Christmas time last year. I am not sure if the missed traditions hit her or not. We did not have much of an opportunity to talk with our kids and grandchild with us for most of the weekend. All I know for sure is that I woke up angry this morning and wanting to lash out at her.

I am trying to take the one day at a time approach but this morning I wanted to just trash the R and move on to D. I hope this day gets better. All the best to you trying to work through all this stuff.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I have to agree with cheatinghubby. My exhusband NEVER did things with me like shopping. I would ask and each time, he would refuse. It would have meant the world to me for him to go (even if secretly he hated it)
You're the one who messed up by having the EA. Do what your wife needs you to do for her. It could mean the world to her.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

It seems like you're constantly "struggling," "incompatible," etc. I mean, kudos to you for realizing that your EA was wrong. Kudos to coming here and telling BSs the signs to look for and etc... but it just seems like you're marking time, waiting for her to end the relationship 'cause you don't want to be the one to do it. 

You're unhappy. She's unhappy.

Let her go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I have to agree with cheatinghubby. My exhusband NEVER did things with me like shopping. I would ask and each time, he would refuse. It would have meant the world to me for him to go (even if secretly he hated it)
> You're the one who messed up by having the EA. Do what your wife needs you to do for her. It could mean the world to her.


I never ask my husband to go shopping with me. Would hate to drag him through stores and make him wait for me. I would feel rushed.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I had offered to get the car for her while she shopped. She agreed to that. The time it took was much longer than what the dealer stated.
> 
> I haven't given up. I'm struggling.


What she agreed to and what she really wanted are two different things..
I hated, I mean hated to go shopping with my wife, after D-day she was going for clothes, she asked if I wanted to go and(knowing how bad I hated it) I could see it in her eyes she wanted me to, so I went, I turned it into a fun time, had her try on different clothes, picked some stuff out for her she actually liked (go figure)
we laughed and had a good time, and have a few times since..actually enjoy her asking my input about stuff now....

Old incomaptabilties can turn into Compatabilities, you just have to keep trying and trying....together.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I used to shop with her all of the time. I'd sit on a bench, find a bookstore or a sporting goods to store, and wait for many hours. I can't do that anymore. I'm not young and I want to use my remaining time better than what I have in the past. 

I was being nice by forgoing my personal day in order to make hers better. It just didn't go as hoped. The car taking too long, huge crowds at the mall (her stating this), and our troubles. 

I tried. I really did. Things just didn't go as hoped. We had both succumb to the fact that the day was a bust.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Why don't you really be honest with yourself HT and do what you know in your heart that you want to and stop this half-assed effort at reconciliation?? Your wife deserves so much better.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You think that I don't know she deserves better after what I did to her? I admit that my head is up my butt, but it's not that far that I can't see the obvious!

It's the worst place for me to be right now. Feeling like I don't deserve her at all, and trying to save the marriage because she really wants it to last while I don't feel worthy. I love her, care for her, but lost my passion for her by making my love worthless.

Screwed up in the head? Yep!!! That's why I'm here trying to find my way through something I never thought I would have to work through. She's the innocent victim in my crime too!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> I have to agree with cheatinghubby. My exhusband NEVER did things with me like shopping. I would ask and each time, he would refuse. It would have meant the world to me for him to go (even if secretly he hated it)
> You're the one who messed up by having the EA. Do what your wife needs you to do for her. It could mean the world to her.


why would you want someone you love to do something they hatted for you? how could you enjoy it if you knew they hated it?

kinda like forcing someone to do a sex act they hared how do you enjoy it if they hate it.



makes no sence to me.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

HerToo said:


> You think that I don't know she deserves better after what I did to her? I admit that my head is up my butt, but it's not that far that I can't see the obvious!
> 
> It's the worst place for me to be right now. Feeling like I don't deserve her at all, and trying to save the marriage because she really wants it to last while I don't feel worthy. I love her, care for her, but lost my passion for her by making my love worthless.
> 
> Screwed up in the head? Yep!!! That's why I'm here trying to find my way through something I never thought I would have to work through. She's the innocent victim in my crime too!





_You need to ask yourself, are you the same guy, the one who did this to your wife? and I'm thinking you are not, if not then keep on trying, dont give up, keep her in the loop...if you are the same guy and didnt learn a thing and make some real changes about yourself, then let her go........_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> why would you want someone you love to do something they hatted for you? how could you enjoy it if you knew they hated it?
> 
> kinda like forcing someone to do a sex act they hared how do you enjoy it if they hate it.
> 
> makes no sence to me.


Have you seen the latest Harold and Kumar movie? There is one line that says it all, when Kumar asks Harlod why he's doing all this crap to make his wife happy when it's a pain in the butt for Harold.

I don't have to do it, I want to do it because it makes her happy.

Or something to that effect, I might not enjoy the experience (I hate shopping with a passion, I know what I want, I go, I buy and I leave, done.) but seeing my wife happy with me being there is what makes it worthwhile. She knows I hate it with a passion but I do it because I want to go with her, not because I have to go.

This is besides the point, the bottom line is HT has already given up on the marriage but just won't admit it to himself because he doesn't want to hurt his wife anymore than he has. But what he doesn't get is that what he's doing is even worse than just filing for a divorce.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So did you go shopping with the attitude that while you're there, by god you're going to enjoy it? Or did you go, fuming on the inside about you you're giving up on what you wanted to do and how this is a waste of your time? It seems likely to me that it's the second one... That you're going through the motions, but not giving yourself over to enjoying the current experience.

I agree with the others, honestly. You seem to only be in it to keep from hurting her more, not because you really want to be there. There was a reason why you had your emotional affair; have you resolved the issues that put you in that state? Can you truly state that you're throwing yourself 100% into your marriage, and savoring everything that it involves? Have you made that decision yet? And yes, it is a conscious decision to make, not something you wait to happen. 

And you really really really need to address why you're clinging to your guilt for dear life. But maybe you're holding that close to you because you haven't dealt with the other issues yet.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HerToo said:


> I used to shop with her all of the time. *I'd sit on a bench, find a bookstore or a sporting goods to store, and wait for many hours.* I can't do that anymore. I'm not young and *I want to use my remaining time better than what I have in the past*.
> 
> *I was being nice* by forgoing my personal day in order to make hers better. It just didn't go as hoped. The car taking too long, huge crowds at the mall (her stating this), and our troubles.
> 
> *I tried. I really did*. Things just didn't go as hoped. We had both succumb to the fact that the day was a bust.


May I just point out that the bolded items say it all? In the past, you WENT WITH HER to the mall and then you disappeared and let her shop ALONE because it didn't interest you. That's NOT shopping with her. At all. In fact, it's insulting to the woman. If you don't want to go shopping, just don't go. But don't make her feel even worse by making it obvious that you can't stand to be there so much so that you'll find ANYTHING to do other than be interested in what she's looking for.

What you describe is a selfish man who never did love his wife, only looked at what he could get out of the relationship. 

You tried? You tried what? To look like a martyr, to 'give up' what you wanted just to prove to her that she is the problem, not you?

Not buyin' it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Neither. I never made it shopping because the dealer took two extra hours to get the car done. I had planned on picking up the car and going to wait at Barnes & Noble for her like I always used to do (even though I really didn't want to). I got stuck in the dealer waiting area with some British form of Jerry Springer on TV.

I don't know why I had the EA. Still trying to figure that out. All I can think of is that I was being the nice guy because she was divorced and living alone at this age. I went from a friend to a lover within a few weeks, at my doing.

As far as being in it 100%, my guilt and destroyed self-worth won't let me be with someone who I thinks deserves someone other than a cheater. I've stated this several times. I'm incapable of making a decision still. Even my counselor has said that no decision at this point is better than one made without clear thought.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I never ask my husband to go shopping with me. Would hate to drag him through stores and make him wait for me. I would feel rushed.


Elegirl, I don't know much of your story but it sounds like our husbands were very similiar. 

Mine like to play those mind games with me. I'd ask him to go shopping with me, and he's say no. This would happen several times, then I wouldn't ask him to go with and he would turn around and be like "we could have spent the day together shopping but you didn't ask me to go."

He drove me crazy sometimes.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

HerToo, sometimes I think you are just looking for any reason to start a thread.

Your title, "So much for time alone" sounds bratty. I envision you sitting there with your arms crossed, stomping your feet.

What was the point of this? It sounds like you are just complaining. If you read your title and thread start, wouldn't you agree?

The reason people are telling you to let your wife go is because you have come on here and started at least 15 threads complaining about how hard your life is after your EA. You are going to counseling, working on things with your wife, and that's all you can really do. I'm not sure what more you can possibly wring out of this group of people on this forum.

Is there a live support group you can join, where you can get more efficient feedback? Maybe through a church? You are torturing yourself and your wife right now. Acting happy helps you feel happy. And if that doesn't work, you just have to let her go.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You are correct that I just feel the need to start a thread. That's because I have no one else to talk to, except my counselor. So I come here to "dump" some of my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to move forward. If I didn't, I'd probably make every bad decision possible. Here, I can let my thoughts out.

If that bothers you, just ignore my posts. I won't be offended.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gabriel said:


> complaining about how hard your life is after your EA


I think that's what everyone is trying to get you to look at. 

It's all about you.

I suspect it always HAS been all about you, in your life. Maybe your parents raised you to be self-serving and not look out for the other people in your life, but that seems to be the stumbling block for you - it's all about you. Someone with that attitude on life isn't going to just suddenly be happy; they're constantly looking for more 'me stuff.'

What will it take for you to be able to care more about someone else than about yourself?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

How do I separate my life from my wife's life without coming across that way when the concern is about the marriage? It has to be about us and my role, and trying to get it right. 

It NEVER has to be about me. I can give you thousands of examples where I came last when others had needs. Sometimes, I had nothing so that others could have something. I've spent my entire life doing that to a fault. All in an effort to get people to overlook the personal defect I have that others use against me as a person.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What personal defect is that?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Does it matter?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course it does. Whatever self-image you have of yourself (including your 'defects') is a huge part of who you are, how you see yourself, how you treat other people and interact with them, and your philosophy on life.

Which, of course, then correlates with how everyone else treats YOU.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> It NEVER has to be about me. I can give you thousands of examples where I came last when others had needs. Sometimes, I had nothing so that others could have something. I've spent my entire life doing that to a fault. All in an effort to get people to overlook the personal defect I have that others use against me as a person.


I think Hertoo has just aimed a giant search light at a large part of the reason he was susceptible to an affair.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'd rather keep it private. But it is part of me, and who I am.

Sigma is correct to an extent. My affair started as a friendship with someone I never thought as be approachable when I was young. Then I felt sorry for her situation, divorced and alone, and wanted to help. I even encouraged her early on to find that special guy. As I tried, that guy became me. Things that I NEVER received when I was young was now being provided. It was filling an emptiness, erasing bad memories, releasing the pain, and most of all....the defect went away during the EA. But returned on D-day with a vengeance. So did all of the bad memories, the pain, the emptiness. The pain I caused the OW and my wife is more than I can stand at times. I don't like to hurt people because I know what real hurt is all to well. I tried all my life not to hurt people, and then I hurt two at the same time.

Before you attack the OW, know that I had intended on leaving my wife for her because of what I was receiving for the first time in my life. That is not a reason to end a marriage. But I also didn't want to lose what I've been wishing and praying for all of my life. And I didn't want to lose my wife and family. I most of all didn't want to hurt anyone.

I lost it all in the end. And hurt everyone.

Crap. This must be why I can't feel passion. I gave up on life and the pursuit of my wish. The cure. I had it in my hands, but it was forbidden. Not meant for me. 

I have lots of thinking to do.

I feel like crap!


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

As usual, I'm going to disagree with everyone in the thread. I think they are too focused on the topic at hand rather than taking a step back and looking at what your wife is after.



HerToo said:


> I was planning on taking the majority of yesterday to myself so that I could decompress from two straight days of family events. My thoughts were overwhelming me and I needed some time alone to just think.


While one paragraph is not enough to judge your personality, this kind of need of self is typical for people who tend toward introversion rather than extroversion. If this is you, read these:


10 Myths About Introverts
Being an Introvert - Coping

You may not be a full-on introvert but if these sound like you then show them to your wife. Many introverts forgo their 'recharge time' and it can actually be quite damaging to them and their relationships.



HerToo said:


> How do I separate my life from my wife's life without coming across that way when the concern is about the marriage? It has to be about us and my role, and trying to get it right.


Yes, you have to be understanding to her needs but she also has to be understanding to yours. If she can't understand that you also need 'you' time, then she is the one being unreasonable. Marriage = Two way street, infidelity or not. That you had an A does not instantly remove any right that you have to be happy, despite what so many here say.

Why did she want you to go shopping? To spend time with you and perform a joint activity or to get opinions on outfits. Chances are, she's just looking for companionship and a sign that you care. Either way, ask her. Doing that alone shows that you're interested in trying.

So how do you fulfill that need? Apologize and tell her that you really need some time on your own but you were thinking that maybe the two of you could grab a movie together or go for a walk in the park?

Or perhaps tell her that she should go shopping and you'll have a surprise waiting for her when she gets home, as long as she takes more than xyz hours (time for you to prepare). She'll spend the entire time that she's shopping looking forward to it.

You say you cook; most baking takes less than an hour; have some common ingredients handy in advance.

Does she like bubble baths? Of course she does, she is made of estrogen. Get a copy of her todo list (for the home) and tick off an item or two. Maybe get some candles and scented bubble bath ready so when she gets home and guide her to the tub and turn on the water and tell her that everything else is in hand. Go away for 10 mins and come back in and offer a foot rub; always a winner.

Preparing for all of these things can be done in minutes and are simple enough that they allow you to be alone with your thoughts and recharge as you're doing them.

You don't need to go shopping with her to express your affection. She just wants you to go with her so you can spend some time with her so find other outlets.

Of course, if 'recharging' for you is sitting in front of the TV or playing golf and drinking then none of this is applicable to you. 

PS - Be careful here too. Over indulgence of this kind of behavior can lead to a sense of expectation on her part and, depending on her personality, can be abused. 

The point isn't to buy her off but the try to satisfy both of your needs.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

HerToo said:


> ... My affair started as a friendship ... The pain I caused the OW and my wife is more than I can stand at times. I don't like to hurt people because I know what real hurt is all to well. I tried all my life not to hurt people, and then I hurt two at the same time. ... And I didn't want to lose my wife and family. I most of all didn't want to hurt anyone.


Boy oh boy can I relate to this.



HerToo said:


> Crap. This must be why I can't feel passion. I gave up on life and the pursuit of my wish. The cure. I had it in my hands, but it was forbidden. Not meant for me.


Aaaaaand, cue the hate mail. I've learned one thing about TAM; this kind of statement is always met with one paragraph statements that invariably tell you to leave your wife because you are scum and that you are ruining her life. You've been here longer than I; surely you've clued into that? 

This sense of loss is to be expected, you have lost something and you need to grieve it's loss (google: 5 stages of loss). The WS will probably understand these feelings, most BS will not. What a great setting for a game of "us vs them". 

The question is whether you are going to let this loss consume you or not. The OW is gone, yes? Then grieve but remember that you're just going through the motions that everyone goes through and you need to find out what will allow you to accept that loss.

Also, you've got > 1000 posts in less than three months. That tells me that you spend a lot of time on TAM and are depending on this site for emotional support, not surprising giving the emotional turmoil that you're no doubt in.

Please don't take this the wrong way but I wonder how much of your pain is still real and how much of it is being maintained by your need for contact and emotional release with people on this site. I have no doubt that a large portion of it is real but I also have no doubt that some of it is going to be the result of interacting with people here and getting the support you need.

Having said that, just because I have no doubt, doesn't mean that I'm right. Just food for thought.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HerToo said:


> This must be why I can't feel passion. I gave up on life and the pursuit of my wish. The cure. I had it in my hands, but it was forbidden. Not meant for me.


Bullcorn. You're just romanticizing your affair instead of looking at why YOU need to look at your own issues.

If you just keep living on the surface, you'll never achiever real happiness.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

So go shopping with her once in a while, show her that you're doing something you don't really like doing but you do it because you enjoy spending time with her - go for reasons other than shopping.
I hate Home Depot (bunch of guys drooling over tools) but I like to spend time with him so I tag along if I have the time. It also gives me great hints for this birthday and Christmas. Because I was patient in the tool section, he's patient in the gardening section. Give and take and it's not always a 50/50 deal. Now, there's no way I'd take my husband with me shopping for clothes. There's nothing else for him to look at and I would feel rushed. I don't take a girl friend either. I like to shop alone, if I'm shopping for myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FourtyPlus said:


> So go shopping with her once in a while, show her that you're doing something you don't really like doing but you do it because you enjoy spending time with her - go for reasons other than shopping.
> I hate Home Depot (bunch of guys drooling over tools) but I like to spend time with him so I tag along if I have the time. It also gives me great hints for this birthday and Christmas. Because I was patient in the tool section, he's patient in the gardening section. Give and take and it's not always a 50/50 deal.


Exactly my point. A marriage is about give and take and WANTING to make your partner happy, not about whether your partner is making YOU happy.

THAT is what love is.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

TCx said:


> Also, you've got > 1000 posts in less than three months.


Doing the math, that means that you are posting 11+ messages per day on TAM for a total time investment of probably close to 2-4 hours per day.

That's a massive investment of time. I get that the forum gives you a social and support outlet but if you cut down on some of the hours spent here, it might become less of a crutch to you.

Also, I find that there is a lot of negativity on TAM. I wonder if removing yourself from it for a while might help?

Again, just food for thought.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

TCx said:


> Doing the math, that means that you are posting 11+ messages per day on TAM for a total time investment of probably close to 2-4 hours per day.
> 
> That's a massive investment of time. I get that the forum gives you a social and support outlet but if you cut down on some of the hours spent here, it might become less of a crutch to you.
> 
> ...


I have said this exact same thing to HerToo, but that was about half his posts ago. He's addicted to being on here, lamenting. He thinks it will bring him more quickly to closure, but in reality it is slowing it down.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> The pain I caused the OW and my wife is more than I can stand at times. I don't like to hurt people because I know what real hurt is all to well. I tried all my life not to hurt people, and then I hurt two at the same time.





TCx said:


> Boy oh boy can I relate to this.


Yeah - as the third cheater in line here so can I. You can even go to some of my threads and find those very same words from me. But you know what - that's what you get when you have an affair - that's what happens when you behave like a jackass, and having to deal with it and the pain related to that is just the stupid tax that cheaters have to pay. 

None of that - none - mitigates a cheaters obligation to their spouse. If you want out - fine - rip the band aid off and get out; but dammit if you don't then get in and as long as you're in - be in!! You can't control the thoughts that come in and out of your mind, but you can control your actions and how they affect others. I'm all for total honesty, especially after infidelity, but this open waffling and lack of direction and commitment is just further torture on our loyal spouses who have had their worlds turned upside down at our hand. Don't subject them to even more torture by holding them in limbo and making them watch while you pull your head out of your ass. If you're that undecided or unsure of if you really love your spouse or not then move out until you straighten yourself out, at least that way they don't have to watch and can prepare themselves for the possibility of a life without you. But if you stay - then be committed to your spouse - even if you have doubts come into your mind - be committed and don't make them part of your suffering - they've suffered enough.


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