# Aaaargh!



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Okay, so a few months ago I had a post going about how my wife reacts to me contacting her or otherwise wondering when she's going to be home, offering rides, etc etc etc when she goes out. (not necessarily gno's, just in general)

So I took the overwhelming advice and let her be, and just let her go out, have a good time, don't worry about the small stuff.

So one of the regular things I -used- to do is tell her call me for a ride if she needs one. Her answer was ALWAYS "I'll get my own way home, don't worry about me", and she did. Every single time. Got a ride from somebody else, took a cab, or just didn't drink. If I happened to still be up when she got home, she'd accuse me of waiting up for her. Partially true, I guess, but no skin off my back, I stay up late a lot, anyway.

So she went out for a friends birthday yesterday, an all-day affair, but very tame. Drinking involved, but at somebody's house, all married women, etc.

I did what EVERYBODY here told me to do the next time - say "have a good time!". I told her if she needed a pick-up, just call, but I'm probably going to bed at midnight. Those were the only things I said to her. Pretty standard stuff.

She gets in around 2 with her girlfriend, and I happened to still be up (again, not uncommon), as I was watching a movie.

And I get dumped on almost immediately. So-and-so's husband picked her up AND drove 3 other women home. Another guy drove 45 minutes to come get his wife. You said you'd be in bed at midnight. Dumped on me some more because her friend drove the car home, and stopped drinking early so she could be able to drive and she could have had "more fun".

I was taken aback. I remind her that not once in 6 years did she ever take me up on any of my offers to pick her up. That her response has always been that she'll get her own way back, don't wait up, don't worry, etc.

She said she was pissed this time, because I basically told her not to call after midnight, I was planning on being in bed. I again reminded her that history has proven that she's not impressed if I'm still up, and she has never called me for a ride.

So is this a damned-if-I-do, damned-if-I-don't scenario, or what?

We have a generally good relationship, but this is not the only thing she's wishy-washy about. I could list off 100 more easily.

The thing is, I LISTEN to her. I'm not always the quickest, but I pick up on things she says, and eventually learn. And I learn when she outright tells me to not do this or that, or whatever. Then when I put it into action, she gets pissed at me for some other reason.

Aaaargh. Women.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Who in their right mind advised you to "just let her be"?!!

Man you got a crappy wife. I'd divorce her. 

How often does she go out without you? How many days a week does she drink? 

She doesn't really love you. That much is apparent.



> Aaaargh. Women.


No, not women. Just your wife.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

synthetic said:


> Who in their right mind advised you to "just let her be"?!!
> 
> Man you got a crappy wife. I'd divorce her.
> 
> ...


Wow, you're basing her love for him off this one post? Wow, you must be all knowing.
Alex, had she been drinking when she came in? I only ask bc some people get mean when they're drunk or drink. She's a grown woman, if she needed you, she could have called you. Simple as that.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I remember your thread from last year Alex. I remember there was a lotus criticism that you expected to be kept informed of where she was, when she was heading home, especially when she was gone on a girls shopping weekend trip or whatever. You were told that expecting her to check in once a day was smothering and to just let her be, if I recall.

The moral of the story, as always? You can't win.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

I'm sorry, but this is kind of funny. We don't want you checking in on us to see if we are okay but it still pisses us off if you don't. You really can't win!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alexm said:


> Okay, so a few months ago I had a post going about how my wife reacts to me contacting her or otherwise wondering when she's going to be home, offering rides, etc etc etc when she goes out. (not necessarily gno's, just in general)
> 
> So I took the overwhelming advice and let her be, and just let her go out, have a good time, don't worry about the small stuff.
> 
> ...


I'd have probably followed that up w/ something like this...

"Tell you what... maybe take your drunk ass to bed and talk w/ me about this sh*t again in the morning once you've sobered up, because right now you're so full of sh*t that your eyes are brown."

Aaaaand... a follow-up for the next morning would've probably been...

"How about you don't drink so f*cking much that you can't drive yourself home?"


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just set your own boundaries bro. Tell her how it is going to be and what you're going to do. If she absolutely puts her foot down, let her have her way and enjoy a little laugh if she finds herself in a mess and is upset about it.

She is being very silly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I'd have probably followed that up w/ something like this...
> 
> "Tell you what... maybe take your drunk ass to bed and talk w/ me about this sh*t again in the morning once you've sobered up, because right now you're so full of sh*t that your eyes are brown."
> 
> ...




:iagree:

This.

Alex, this is one of those times that you DONT attempt to sooth things. In a day or so, bring it up and let her know how pissed you are about being treated the way she treated you!

Dammit I hate it when women do this sh!t!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

alexm said:


> Okay, so a few months ago I had a post going about how my wife reacts to me contacting her or otherwise wondering when she's going to be home, offering rides, etc etc etc when she goes out. (not necessarily gno's, just in general)
> 
> So I took the overwhelming advice and let her be, and just let her go out, have a good time, don't worry about the small stuff.
> 
> ...


Proper Response....."Looks like you ladies had the rides covered. Good Night"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alexm said:


> I did what EVERYBODY here told me to do the next time - say "have a good time!". *I told her if she needed a pick-up, just call, but I'm probably going to bed at midnight.* Those were the only things I said to her. Pretty standard stuff.
> 
> She said she was pissed this time, because *I basically told her not to call after midnight, I was planning on being in bed. *I again reminded her that history has proven that she's not impressed if I'm still up, and she has never called me for a ride.


Sounds like you two are saying and hearing completely different things. 

YOU see yourself being understanding and loving, and SHE sees you saying don't bother me.

She's mad about something. What is it? It's possible it's nothing more than her being embarrassed that all the other women's husbands showed up and you didn't (BIG no-no, but nothing you could have controlled), or it's possible that she's fed up with you for some reason and this is icing on the cake.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You think you have a good marriage huh?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

She was embarrassed by her "friend". How did your wife get there? Did she want to leave her car at the bar? I've seen it done, but it was usually one that was not worth breaking into. 

I bet I get a whole bunch of flack for this. Sorry, in advance. I remember being told stories about the husbands going out and the wives getting together at someone's home. They would all wait on their husbands. I imagine the men would help most to get home. I don't know. Edit: Never finished this thought. Do men do this nowadays? Seems odd, but I could see it happening with some.

I heard someone once say, "If she's going out with her girlfriends, I'm going out with mine". Now, that really bothered me, but I sort of see the idea behind it. I guess it's, "what's good for the goose, is good for the gander". Now, this was said by the guy who was supposedly the OM. I felt miserable when I heard it. It made me sick, as I could never have done that to her. Maybe there is some kind of wisdom that can be gleaned from the attitude, not the actions? I don't know. I've been trying to figure that out.

I think, it might have been nicer for her to hear that you would go get her if she wanted, without throwing in the part about what time you would go to bed. Mostly since you wrote you don't always go to bed or stay up late. You really lied to her and that may have triggered her and made her think you just wanted to be a jackass. 

I struggle with this and the concepts of feminism, equality, kindness, and love. I think, but I'm not sure, if you would ask her, adult to adult, if she expected that she might need a ride home, or is she wanted to just wing it and call, that might have been okay. do what you want at home about sleep time and if she calls, you just have to get up. 

Some places don't have taxis available. I understand that. Who knows what your situation is? Some can't afford a taxi or don't like to ride in them. 

The guys who picked up their wives or drove others home, did they drop their wives off as well? Did they just all leave their cars there at the parking lot of the bar? Were they parked in a public garage? 

This won't blow over. You will have to discuss it and come to some sort of conclusions. Gus had some interesting thoughts, though they may be a little harsh in delivery.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> Wow, you're basing her love for him off this one post? Wow, you must be all knowing.
> Alex, had she been drinking when she came in? I only ask bc some people get mean when they're drunk or drink. She's a grown woman, if she needed you, she could have called you. Simple as that.


Yeah, but not a lot, and she's not a mean drunk AT ALL. Usually quite the opposite, or mellow at least.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I'd have probably followed that up w/ something like this...
> 
> "Tell you what... maybe take your drunk ass to bed and talk w/ me about this sh*t again in the morning once you've sobered up, because right now you're so full of sh*t that your eyes are brown."
> 
> ...


Setting healthy boundaries is important. Using abusive language is setting boundaries, but not healthy ones.
It is usually counterproductive to defend yourself, but to let her know that you disagree with her and do not appreciate being spoken to that way is reasonable. If she wants something, she should let you know, rather than having a fit that you didn't meet her silent expectations. You are not a mind reader and she should not expect you to be. Further, it seems unreasonable to me for her to expect you to pick her up at 2:00 a.m. I cannot imagine asking my husband to do that. I would feel extremely inconsiderate.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, this looks like a woman who's pissed off that her man isn't alpha enough, as odd as that sounds.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

turnera said:


> Sounds like you two are saying and hearing completely different things.
> 
> YOU see yourself being understanding and loving, and SHE sees you saying don't bother me.
> 
> She's mad about something. What is it? *It's possible it's nothing more than her being embarrassed that all the other women's husbands showed up and you didn't *(BIG no-no, but nothing you could have controlled), or it's possible that she's fed up with you for some reason and this is icing on the cake.


I'm pretty sure this is what it was.

I'm just pissed (and confused) that this is the FIRST time I didn't offer a ride at any time of night. It's what I've usually done, mainly to make sure she gets home okay, and also because it's the right thing to do.

After continually being told it's not necessary, all of a sudden it was... sheesh.

All these years of maintaining her independence (I can take care of myself), and I think I learned my lesson. Only to be given a D minus on the exam.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

How often does she go out drinking with her friends?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Maybe what you should be doing is to let her know that her attitude stinks to high heaven and she needs a real big change quick like. If she starts mouthing off then tell her to stick it sideways and next time don't bother coming home until she can act like an adult.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> How often does she go out drinking with her friends?


Exactly. Im not really a drinker so I might be a huge bit biased here, but from your description she sounds like she needs to grow the [email protected] up.

Outside interests are great. But this whole deal? No thanks. 

Ok to have some fun drinking too much every now and then. But I'll be damned if im taking **** from a drunk spouse at 2 in the morning. STFU and there's the couch.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

One thing she could have tried first was text you (are you up love?) and waited to see if you responded. Then maybe call just to make sure. After that, well, you have previously offered to help before and she never took up the offer. Like someone else mentioned, she was 'tiffed' bc she saw other hubbys help their wives


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's a game playing abuser. Nuff said. 

Alpha? Beta? Omega? Epsilon? Gamma? 

Who gives a flying fvck? 

Ain't gonna matter if you are a 10th degree Aikido dan, who can bench 425 and split logs with your 10" Python Rod of Zeus. 

Im so fViking sick of this alpha shyt you people spew. 

She's a drunken party girl who thinks her crap doesn't stink and has no respect for her husband. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Dude you have been whipping this marriage pony and it's not budging. How much more of this abuse are you going take? Seriously?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

alexm said:


> I'm pretty sure this is what it was.
> 
> I'm just pissed (and confused) that this is the FIRST time I didn't offer a ride at any time of night. It's what I've usually done, mainly to make sure she gets home okay, and also because it's the right thing to do.
> 
> ...


Quit your damn whining and do something about it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

alexm said:


> I'm pretty sure this is what it was.
> 
> I'm just pissed (and confused) that this is the FIRST time I didn't offer a ride at any time of night. It's what I've usually done, mainly to make sure she gets home okay, and also because it's the right thing to do.
> 
> ...


It seems you cant win no matter what you do. Why does she go out so much without you?? That seems not right to me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> It seems you cant win no matter what you do. Why does she go out so much without you?? That seems not right to me.


We concentrate our attentions on the things we value.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> and I think I learned my lesson. Only to be given a D minus on the exam.


Marriage is not an exam you should ace. 

Your wife is not your teacher.

Find your balls and throw her off that stupid pedestal you've put her on. Why are you being so weak?

She wants a ride? The only ride you can offer her is in the bedroom naked. 

She wants to have "girls night out" every so often? Take a "boys month out" every other month. Buy a ticket to the Caribbean and spend a ****load of money there. Take your single buddies with you. 

What's in this marriage for you anyway? I'd just leave her. She's no lover. What's the point?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Rather than being the W that she is supposed to be, she sounds way too much like a disgruntled roommate!

Let's just say that if your husbandly needs aren't being summarily met, then it's high time that you lose this roommate and find yourself some wife material!*


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> How often does she go out drinking with her friends?


Rarely. And she didn't come home drunk.

This isn't what this is about, though I guess if you haven't read any of my threads, it's not hard to jump to this.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Angelou said:


> One thing she could have tried first was text you (are you up love?) and waited to see if you responded. Then maybe call just to make sure. After that, well, you have previously offered to help before and she never took up the offer. Like someone else mentioned, she was 'tiffed' bc she saw other hubbys help their wives


Exactly what I said to her the next day, and exactly what I felt about it.

I told her - 6 years of offering rides and never once took me up on it (which is fine). The one time I put a condition on it (I was planning on getting to bed early-ish) and I get burned for not offering to be there for her for something she's never needed me for anyway.

I told her straight up how ridiculous that was, and that I thought it was because all the other husbands were doing pick-ups and driving others home.

For those of you who are jumping to the "alcoholic abuser" thing - no. Just no.

If you've read previous threads of mine, you'll know that my wife has some walls built up, mainly around independence and not allowing herself to "need" anybody else. Not an uncommon thing around here. It affects most aspects of our otherwise good relationship. (ex. sex life and intimacy). It occasionally spills over into ridiculous situations like this that don't make sense. "I don't need you. Unless you're not available, then I'll be pissed that you're not there for me. But if you make yourself available with no restrictions, don't expect a call, because I don't need anybody's help." It's contradictory.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

She's afraid and lacks self-confidence.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*cough* SH*T TEST!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

bandit.45 said:


> Quit your damn whining and do something about it.


Cripes man, that's harsh, and so is your "drunken party girl" post above. I usually keep my cool on here (follow the rules and all), but wtf? I'm for advice and to vent a little. That IS doing something. She and I talk about things, a lot. I'm no angel, either, and she calls me out when I mess up, too. I called her out on this, and she's cool with it. It was a stupid situation, I said my peace, it won't happen again.

Thing is, I put my foot down when necessary. And I did in this case, because it was stupid.

I'm not going to spend time defending her or my actions, but... my wife is anything but a drunken party girl, nor is she entitled, spoiled, or takes advantage of me.

She has walls, plain and simple. These walls are often ridiculous and cause the occasional idiotic situation, like this one. The kind that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. When they arise, I call her out.

The thing you have to remember, Bandit, is that you will almost always see only negative posts here on TAM, it's the nature of the board. It's easy to peg somebody as this or that based on solely negative words.

It's easy to get caught up in the "omg, his wife/her husband is an awful person, divorce them!" based on the negative threads, but the reality is that you don't know these people in real life nor SEE the dynamics involved.

I'm not defending my wife's actions from the other day, they were stupid, and she's heard about it. But that said, sometimes the responses to threads here are over-reactions to one's personal situations and experiences and tend to trigger angry responses.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

3Xnocharm said:


> Why does she go out so much without you?? That seems not right to me.


She doesn't, and I'm not sure why so many people here have decided she's a party girl who goes out all the time without me and comes home drunk.

We're talking 4 or 5 times a year, max, and that's because she has friends and a social life. If the evening involves alcohol (which it doesn't always), she rarely has more than 2 or 3. I can count the times she's been drunk on one hand. Usually she's in bed by 9 on weekdays and struggles to stay up past 11 on weekends. Same with her friends. 360 days of the year one of us falls asleep on the couch watching tv.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hi Alexm and welcome to the world of crazy yet adorable women! 

The bottom line is *she likes you* checking up on her and asking if she needs a ride home, got to her destination safely and chastising her for not calling in. Even if she then criticises you for doing it - makes her feel desired and cool! 

Not doing it is a big mistake! Just continue doing it and give her a half-smile every time she criticises you for doing it from now on!

Take care, buddy!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

GusPolinski said:


> *cough* SH*T TEST!


Pretty much, yep!

Though I don't think it was a conscious one. Just a reaction to the environment (ie. the other husbands doing pick-up duty made her feel left out).

Like I said, I told her it was ridiculous, because she's never taken me up on the pick-up duty offer before, and that it's her problem that she may have felt left out while the other ladies were being ferried around by their men.

In the end, she recognized the hypocrisy of it all. That it's like the old "boy (girl) who cried wolf" story.

I say this semi-jokingly, but it's such a girl thing to do:

"I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself, and I don't need some man to do it for me"

followed by...

"Why weren't you there for me? All the other husbands were!"

Sigh.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

manfromlamancha said:


> Hi Alexm and welcome to the world of crazy yet adorable women!
> 
> The bottom line is *she likes you* checking up on her and asking if she needs a ride home, got to her destination safely and chastising her for not calling in. Even if she then criticises you for doing it - makes her feel desired and cool!
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Thank you. This is how I feel about these situations, but I guess I just needed to... make sure?


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

alexm said:


> Cripes man, that's harsh, and so is your "drunken party girl" post above. I usually keep my cool on here (follow the rules and all), but wtf? I'm for advice and to vent a little. That IS doing something. She and I talk about things, a lot. I'm no angel, either, and she calls me out when I mess up, too. I called her out on this, and she's cool with it. It was a stupid situation, I said my peace, it won't happen again.
> 
> Thing is, I put my foot down when necessary. And I did in this case, because it was stupid.
> 
> ...


Suggestions of Divorce and dog piling happens way too much around here. I originally came here to vent about my hubby (things are better now) and found myself defending him as well. We can't make a character Assesment from one post. 20 yrs and still standing strong, bc we don't believe in giving up just bc half of society does.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I never said that she was a drunk. want to make that point. I'm saying she's got a crappy attitude and when she needs to cut loose, your her target for ridicule and she makes you out to be the rat in the wood pile.

Like I said when she starts pointing the finger and making you the bad guy, tell her to shove it and keep her mouth and comments to herself. 

What she doesn't realize is that in a marriage it's a partnership and not a one sided deal. She expects you to be there when she wants you and when you are you get a tongue lashing for it so if you choose to let her then why are you here venting? Open your mouth and let her know or suffer,


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

You were given terrible advice here. Probably by people with multiple failed relationships. That's like taking financial advice from someone with multiple bankruptcies.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

alexm said:


> She doesn't, and *I'm not sure why so many people here have decided she's a party girl who goes out all the time without me and comes home drunk.*
> 
> We're talking 4 or 5 times a year, max, and that's because she has friends and a social life. If the evening involves alcohol (which it doesn't always), she rarely has more than 2 or 3. I can count the times she's been drunk on one hand. Usually she's in bed by 9 on weekdays and struggles to stay up past 11 on weekends. Same with her friends. 360 days of the year one of us falls asleep on the couch watching tv.


It's an easy mistake to make. Most of us didn't realize that you're starting a thread like this_ every time _she does it, so we though she was doing more of it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Late to the party apparently so sorry I havent a clue about these other threads you speak of.

If I take the situation as you present it that you always ask her to call if she needs a ride....why the hell would she be upset about that in the first place?? then this is a **** test that you need to shut down.

Personally I would be done with this passive aggressive nonsense and move out till she gets her head straight.

If you won't do that then at least stop asking her to call when she needs a ride and if she says something about it just shrug your shoulders.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

alexm said:


> Exactly what I said to her the next day, and exactly what I felt about it.


So.. what, exactly, was her response?

I'd let it go if she was properly chagrined.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Nucking Futs said:


> It's an easy mistake to make. Most of us didn't realize that you're starting a thread like this_ every time _she does it, so we though she was doing more of it.


This is the first time. Nothing I've ever posted here before has had anything to do with her going out, drinking, partying, anything.

I think a few of you (not you personally, NF) are having a hard time getting past the 'going out' and 'alcohol' parts. The reality is that those two things in particular have nothing to do with anything, other than me having always offered to be her ride home on the (rare!) occasion she has one too many. Except THIS time, to which, apparently, it was the wrong move on my part! And I was trying to make heads or tails of it, but some folks think she's a hussy and a b***h, and I should divorce her.

On that note, when I say she's "had one too many", I don't mean fall over and puke on herself drunk. She doesn't do that, ever. Everrrr. I mean more in the vein of being a responsible adult who knows when he/she is over the legal driving limit - something she and I both take very seriously. Around here, technically speaking, 1 drink is legally too many and you CAN be busted for that. 2 drinks, and you will. Not worth getting pulled over for something minor then being thrown in the can because the officer smells wine on your breath - 2 glasses or not.

So to sum up: my wife is not an alcoholic. She's barely even a social drinker. She's definitely not a 'party girl'. She's your stereotypical almost-40-year-old wife and mom of two. Pyjamas on by 8pm, watch tv on the couch, bed by 9.

When she does go out, she usually has to be dragged by her friends - seriously. And while out, she's pretty much the mom of the group (not that these women need a hen around, they're definitely very tame as well).

She's quite lame, and she'd be the first to admit that, but she has good friends that pull her out of the house every now and again (and I'm glad for that).

The other night, when she went out, it was for somebody's 40th birthday party. They did a murder mystery dinner type thing, then went back to one of their houses and did karaoke. One woman took a nap. Like an honest to god nap. Not passed out drunk. A nap. Paaartaaaaay!

The original plan was to do dinner and dancing, but the group of them decided quickly that they were too old for that.

That's the type of woman my wife is, and the type of women her friends are.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Buddy400 said:


> So.. what, exactly, was her response?
> 
> I'd let it go if she was properly chagrined.


She recognized the hypocrisy. All is good now. She knows I wasn't happy with her bad attitude, and she knows why. She also realizes the confusion it caused on my part, because she tends not to think of herself as a stereotypical "say one thing, do another" type woman.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alexm said:


> This is the first time. Nothing I've ever posted here before has had anything to do with her going out, drinking, partying, anything.


I disagree. Without going back and looking, I REMEMBER you coming here and complaining about her GNOs. And her sh*t tests because of it. You are setting up OUR belief that she regularly does this. 

Which is why we TELL you guys, ad nauseum, to STOP starting new threads.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> Suggestions of Divorce and dog piling happens way too much around here. I originally came here to vent about my hubby (things are better now) and found myself defending him as well. We can't make a character Assesment from one post. 20 yrs and still standing strong, bc we don't believe in giving up just bc half of society does.




I stand by my original comment. 

She sounds pretty normal to me..if not a little tame. I just tend to either stomp the guts out of a s**t test immediately...or refuse to get drug in..From what your original description stated....the refuse to get drug in seemed best. 

I have noticed, though, the quick jumps to significant negative action suggestions are prolific. Not every problem is a nail....requiring a hammer response...


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

sh!t test, pure and simple. 

you gotta be kidding...!!! you did not have it in you to deal with such a minor sh!t test???

grasshopper, hop on over to amazon and get a book. called married man sex life primer 2011.

never too late to understand yourself and your W behavior and complete ignorance of the dynamics going on here. i mean, really...whats up, dude!!!

wow... just wow.

luckily, easy as pie to fix up. no worries! done right, she'll respond to you. its like dancing, she will follow. mutual respect starts with you.

**manly hint - reading comprehension above the eight grade level required. you must understand the message, not just the literal contents.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Q tip said:


> sh!t test, pure and simple.
> 
> you gotta be kidding...!!! you did not have it in you to deal with such a minor sh!t test???
> 
> ...


Hang on, nowhere did I say I didn't deal with it when it arose! I gave her a blast of (stuff) immediately, and was none too happy. The next day, when we both had cooled off, I spoke to her rationally, and it's all good. I handled the **** test just fine. She rode me like a stolen horse the following night. I think we're good.

This thread was more of a rant, and also a WTF?, because she generally doesn't do this type of thing, at least not like this. Totally out of character for her.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

turnera said:


> I disagree. Without going back and looking, I REMEMBER you coming here and complaining about her GNOs. And her sh*t tests because of it. You are setting up OUR belief that she regularly does this.
> 
> Which is why we TELL you guys, ad nauseum, to STOP starting new threads.


I had a post last year (?) that revolved around a shopping weekend she took with a couple of friends. It had nothing to do with the actual activities, nor was it a "gno".

The point of that thread (in which I learned a lot, including about my own insecurities at the time) was that she basically made herself unreachable for a couple of days, which caused some minor havoc in terms of us having had plans for that Sunday night (which had to be cancelled) as well as a few other things that would have been "nice to know" (not "need to know") from my standpoint. The gist of that thread, as dumb as it sounds NOW, was that Sunday dinner was planned to be for 8 people, with only me at home to prepare. I was po'd that when I was finally able to reach her, she had forgot about the plans (that SHE made) and was delayed in coming home by about 4 hours.

That's it, that's all.

GNO's and rowdy drunken behavior is not an issue I have ever had with my wife. She's 20 years past that stage of her life.

Now if you're looking for a pattern here, it would be exactly what I was talking about in the original post - that my wife tends to not be clear about what she wants. I listen and learn from her (and from you folks here at TAM). This is why this is posted in the General Relationship category. Because I'm looking for advice on how to handle somebody who is unclear in what they want/expect.

Sadly, I am not shocked or surprised that "omfg she's an alcoholic party girl who has no respect for you!!1!!!" is a repeated response to this (amongst the very valuable and level-headed responses).

In this case, I listened to the advice I got here a year ago and basically told her "see you later, have a good time, not waiting up for you". Except that it backfired on me. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I apologize if this is not worthy of your time and that it's something I should figure out on my own (it probably is). But isn't that what this damn place is for?

And god forbid I bring that up here. Apparently my wife is a party girl who has a problem with GNO's and alcohol and walks all over me, therefore I should move out or divorce her.

Whereas the reality is that she's a homebody who rarely drinks, would MUCH rather be at home on the couch eating chips, watching a movie with me and the kids and who practically has to be dragged out by her friends. More often than not, I'm the one who tells her it's high time to go out and be social, with or without me.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife's behavior is consistent. It's about trying her caring what her friends thing about her. Sometimes she feels shamed that her husband is too needy. This time she felt shamed that her husband was not available.

Whatever the reason, when your wife mistreats you, then you need to react by making it clear that you don't want to be mistreated by her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Alex, I didn't say to stop posting. I said to stop starting new threads, to just use your old thread and update it, because we don't have easy access to your story from previous threads and can't give accurate advice if we don't know/remember the whole story.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

tunera sure is bossy


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Alex,

You handled this perfectly from the get go.

For starters, you have the right to retain the OPTION to go to sleep at midnight. You said you likely would. 

1. That message was great because the subtext is: I'm not going to wait up for you - I'm your partner not your parent.
2. You didn't text her that you were still up. Great decision number two. She has NEVER asked you for a ride in 6 years. Texting her you were still up would have seemed like a type of - when are you coming home, or just not letting her alone to have fun with her friends. 
3. You stood your ground that night
4. And hit it right away the next day - and were SPOT on - this was all about the other wives asking their H's to come get them. Women can get very competitive about what their H's will do for them. So - firm - and right. Great combo.

-----
1. You gave her space 
2. You spanked her when she hypocritically whined about it
3. She fvcked you senseless

So you did - win. You had conflict - and it resulted in her having more respect for you. 

Only one question. The next night, did she give you some type of prompt or cue? Did she overtly initiate? Or did you initiate? 





alexm said:


> I had a post last year (?) that revolved around a shopping weekend she took with a couple of friends. It had nothing to do with the actual activities, nor was it a "gno".
> 
> The point of that thread (in which I learned a lot, including about my own insecurities at the time) was that she basically made herself unreachable for a couple of days, which caused some minor havoc in terms of us having had plans for that Sunday night (which had to be cancelled) as well as a few other things that would have been "nice to know" (not "need to know") from my standpoint. The gist of that thread, as dumb as it sounds NOW, was that Sunday dinner was planned to be for 8 people, with only me at home to prepare. I was po'd that when I was finally able to reach her, she had forgot about the plans (that SHE made) and was delayed in coming home by about 4 hours.
> 
> ...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

turnera said:


> Alex, I didn't say to stop posting. I said to stop starting new threads, to just use your old thread and update it, because we don't have easy access to your story from previous threads and can't give accurate advice if we don't know/remember the whole story.


No worries.

I just think this deserved it's own thread. It's related to the old one (from a year ago), yes, but it's really not the same issue at all. But you're right, I suppose an update to that one would have made a little more sense. My bad.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> Only one question. The next night, did she give you some type of prompt or cue? Did she overtly initiate? Or did you initiate?


Thanks for the good words. I did think I handled it well, and that's because I used what I learned here 

Nah, just happened. I would say she was more enthusiastic than usual, but not out of the park, over the top.

I hate to say it, but I think it was less out of being sorry she messed up, and more about respecting how I handled things with her. The impression that I got was that she really wanted to do me, not simply apology sex.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

turnera said:


> Alex, I didn't say to stop posting. I said to stop starting new threads, to just use your old thread and update it, because we don't have easy access to your story from previous threads and can't give accurate advice if we don't know/remember the whole story.


I'm going to take a second crack at this, but don't disregard my previous reply, it still stands. Updating my earlier thread probably would have been a fair play, but I don't think it was necessary.

That said, I think everything I said in this thread was clear and was enough to go on, without rehashing a thread from a year ago.

With all due respect, you were the one who said you were going on memory, in regards to my wife's past behavior. Your memory was wrong (and imo, has nothing really to do with this new thread, anyway). Therefore, you are blaming your faulty memory on the fact that I started a new thread, as opposed to updating an old, and largely irrelevant one.

I don't disagree that the two threads are somewhat inter-related, yet at the same time, they're really not. I believe I provided enough information in this one to paint an accurate picture of the scenario, without having some folks have to sift through pages upon pages of replies. (if I recall, that thread got out of hand and was loooong).

On a related note, that old thread no longer paints an accurate picture of me, or my wife, as things currently are now. This is a big reason I rebooted. In the end, anyway, I personally think it's two separate issues, revolving around a similar circumstance, which didn't necessitate an update.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Thanks alexm.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

*Re: Re: Aaaargh!*



bandit.45 said:


> She's a game playing abuser. Nuff said.
> 
> Alpha? Beta? Omega? Epsilon? Gamma?
> 
> ...


Now don't hold back, and say what you really mean 😎


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