# we had our 2nd talk



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I told my husband I didn't know what I really want (whether I even want to work on our relationship or not) and I plan to see a therapist this week to start figuring this out. It was just so sad, and it upsets me to see him so sad. But I am so tired of being responsible for his happiness; he has poor self-esteem and has always depended on his relationship with me to feel good about himself. This is the main reason I've hung in this marriage so long, I think; I'm so afraid to hurt him. Having lived through yesterday, I'm dreading the next time. Yet it seems clear to me that simply "not wanting to hurt him" is not a good basis for a marriage. I'm so confused and I hope I can get an appointment this week to start working through this with someone.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H and i really struggle with this, too. My H feels very responsible for my emotional well-being, and I his. Its called codependency. 

My H and I do boundary books together, now, which has really helped. I did a little reading on boundaries myself, too. It helps both people realize you are responsible for your own happiness, and sheds a light on the situations where one spouse is either throwing the guilt trip, or playing the martyr. When you know the game you are playing, and both are agreeing it should stop, its pretty easy to stop playing.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He does not feel responsible for my self-esteem, nor should he. I would not think we are "codependent" as much as I "enable" him to get through life without fighting his own battles. He is very "woe is me," "why do things happen to me," "life sucks." I've learned to live with it but now, on top of how I feel, this part of him is making me angry because I feel so guilty knowing my leaving would *devastate* him. I wish he would just get mad at me for not loving him better and storm off. But that doesn't seem likely to happen.

I read his response to my message--that I'm not sure what I want, that I'm not sure we can work this out--as clinginess and desperation, not love. He wanted to make love that same night, even though our lack of a sex life has been a huge issue. How could he possibly think that's what I wanted, after what I said?

Part of me feels he has never really loved ME. He has loved how I make him feel--proud, important. If he really loved me, how I looked would not have mattered so much to him. He would have not said some of the things he has said. He would have tried to make adjustments to my needs, sexual and otherwise, when I asked; he simply refused. I think any love I felt was lost then, and companionableness set in. I'm tired of that, I don't want to try to rebuild our relationship, and he's dragging me down. Such a cruel way of putting it; I'm sorry. But that's how I feel right now. 

Thanks, Blanca, for your response.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Its not a codependent relationship...its that _you_ are codependent. It sounds like he has a dependent personality, which is distinguished from codependent.
Codependents feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for others...and when they meet someone like your husband who piles on the responsibilities on them, the codependent takes on that responsibility...whether they are happy to take that on or not, to the point of exhaustion which is the point I think you're at now.

You need to change your behavior in that sense or you'll just attract another one like your husband.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Sabotaging, I read an interesting article (sorry don't have the link) about needy and co-dependant spouses that sabatoge a relationship with their own insecurities. I definitely saw signs of that in my own behavior that I need to stop.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Thank you, Tim and martino, for your replies. It is good to get additional input. I defnitely feel that I have changed and am unwilling to be someone else's source of self-esteem and happiness. I guess my new question is, will I ever be in love with my husband again? I feel so indifferent to his pain right now, and that bothers me. 

thanks again.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

who knows, sisters359. Uncertainty is a part of life, and if you feel the need to move on then thats what you should do. Let me ask you this...what will it take for you to love him again? Obviously its not worth for you to love someone like this as it is. 

It seems you've outgrown him....
But dont worry about that so much, just work on yourself because being codependent and unassertive and passive has consequences beyond relationships...do you feel walked all over in daily life? How about at work? If a coworker asks you to do something do you have a hard time saying no?

Work on yourself and you can live a better life.....


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## misspillowtalk (Apr 16, 2009)

Maybe another go with a different marriage councilor would work. It's possible that your therapist isn't giving you what you need.

miss petal tops


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