# How could it be...?



## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

So...I've been reading several posts of people who were "jilted" like me. People whose spouses just simply threw in the towel for one reason or another, and I'm flabbergasted.
Most of the people in this forum sounds logical, responsible, kind, and loving, and yet...our spouses found it so easy just to give up years of marriage just because...
My friends have been trying to fix me up. So far I've been on three dates now, and I honestly say..it makes me even more depressed. It seems like my ex and I took a long time finding each other, and when we did. We just screwed it up. I would have in a heartbeat, would've been willing to work on the marriage if he was willing to go to counselling, but he won't even give it a try. He said "there is no fixing it" He said he still loves me and wants to be friends. WTF??!!
One guy I dated, recommended a book that I need to read in order to win the hearts of men? Double WTF??
Another one could not stop talking about himself, and was going on and on about how great of a catch he was.
Seriously...As bad as I perceived my marriage was, I'm missing my husband more and more, and it's a really, really bad situation to be in.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

That is scary. Why did your friends fix you up with them? Just because they were single too? Have you tried chatting some through the online dating pages? Have you given them a set of 'requirements' any chances of second dates with any of those men?

I don't want to be here either. I can't figure out why we can't just try to work it out.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Yep, I am going through the same thing. Husband "just doesn't want to try anymore." He moved out, got his own apartment, and is quitting his job in 1 week! He is so lost, and I am devastated. Oh, and he says still loves me, and sends me all of these mixed signals. It is torture!

I think about dating too. I am not looking forward to it because I remember how laughable it was. I know that it is way too soon for me to even be thinking about that, but I also know that if my husband doesn't want me, I need to move on with my life.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

The thought of dating scares me. I am not in the least interested in dating at this time.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Hilly and Mamatomany, that's exactly what I did...I thought I needed to talk to somebody just to see what's out there.
My friends thought these are perfectly good guys, and maybe it's just me. I'm still hung up on my ex to give these guys a chance, and I'm constantly looking for flaws.
Gosh..not only do we have to deal with the direct impact of our divorce, we need to deal with the aftermath of it.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I've been struggling with the same feelings. How does someone seemingly just give up on a marriage...a family....walk away and not look back. My husband walked out less than an hour after returning home from a nice weekend away....no problems, no fighting on the way home...I've struggled with the rashness of his decision...so many things were done just in the weeks prior that wouldn't indicate his desire to leave... I can't even really wrap my head around the idea of starting over again.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

hilly2 said:


> Yep, I am going through the same thing. Husband "just doesn't want to try anymore." He moved out, got his own apartment, and is quitting his job in 1 week! He is so lost, and I am devastated. Oh, and he says still loves me, and sends me all of these mixed signals. It is torture!
> 
> I think about dating too. I am not looking forward to it because I remember how laughable it was. I know that it is way too soon for me to even be thinking about that, but I also know that if my husband doesn't want me, I need to move on with my life.


That's my husband too, though he hasn't quit his job that I know of... He is talking to head hunters to get out of the area (I have wanted to move for 10 yrs). Mine use to say he loves me but hasn't in more than a month. I was still getting sweet, loving things done for me while he was in the house - the day before he left.... then he went to the drs and I went to my drs and he never came home. Mine was big news (that's why I am sitting here for weeks recovering from surgery), his was an elective procedure (my appt was made before his)... he never came home. Never talked to the kids... UGH

As far as dating... I have had people suggest things and tell me to that there are so many people out there but that scares. Dating ... It's been almost 30 yrs and I was a kid then!!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

ProfJ said:


> Hilly and Mamatomany, that's exactly what I did...I thought I needed to talk to somebody just to see what's out there.
> My friends thought these are perfectly good guys, and maybe it's just me. I'm still hung up on my ex to give these guys a chance, and I'm constantly looking for flaws.
> Gosh..not only do we have to deal with the direct impact of our divorce, we need to deal with the aftermath of it.



We have been burned... it's going to take some time and experience to get over what our men did to us. It's going to take patience for people over 40 to find peers that they can relate to w/o comparing them. 

ProfJ - did your jaw drop when the book was suggested? Did you inquire why he would suggest it... Lesson to the rest of us... have a book ready to suggest to men on how to treat us women! The talking about themselves I can handle... but the other seems rude or like he has his own issues.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

Wow, I am glad to find these posts tonite, H of 28 years walked out after he had secretly been going to IC, 2 days before Christmas told me he wanted a D, never mentioned it before, never said hey we have some problems we should take care of, did MC but the whole time he just said "I want us to be friends". And all he is doing is living in a small apt, alone. Instead of here in the arms of a loving wife, who might have been busy and needed to be told I should pay more attention, but leaving for good? Still, here it is, just a few days before our first D court hearing, so it must be happening. And thinking about dating, not for a long time.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

madaboutlove said:


> Wow, I am glad to find these posts tonite, H of 28 years walked out after he had secretly been going to IC, 2 days before Christmas told me he wanted a D, never mentioned it before, never said hey we have some problems we should take care of, did MC but the whole time he just said "I want us to be friends". And all he is doing is living in a small apt, alone. Instead of here in the arms of a loving wife, who might have been busy and needed to be told I should pay more attention, but leaving for good? Still, here it is, just a few days before our first D court hearing, so it must be happening. And thinking about dating, not for a long time.


Was there ever any trigger that caused this? 

I had a friend that left his wife after they lost a child. He stayed in the house a yr or two later but he knew it was over and would rather live by himself (sad) though he said they are friendly... it sounded like he really hurt her. 

I am not quite as far as you are in the process, but I need to look forward to something! I am scared of the prospect, but I will need some escape of sorts. I have a very demanding job and 3 young kids that will demand a lot from me ... but I am going to me some my time (w/ someone). In the beginning I missed the touch, the hugs, kisses, but I haven't gotten much of that in months... but none in 3 months. I am not ready to go without. :-/ Man does that sound sad/scary.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I will be double posting this... on another thread but I think I am going to be adding Waiting to Exhale to the wkd movie list. I think it's fitting... or am I wrong with remembering the movie?


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

I am not sure what I should do. I am 38, and we did not have any kids. We had a miscarriage 2 years ago, but the pregnancy wasn't planned. I was probably 4 months away from trying, and then this happened. He has been gone over a month now.

I am sad because I feel like I have l missed my chance at having a family. I am torn between accepting that it is not in the cards for me, or getting out there in the dating scene again. I am not jaded. I still want to find love and be married.

Any thoughts?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

hilly2 said:


> I am not sure what I should do. I am 38, and we did not have any kids. We had a miscarriage 2 years ago, but the pregnancy wasn't planned. I was probably 4 months away from trying, and then this happened. He has been gone over a month now.
> 
> I am sad because I feel like I have l missed my chance at having a family. I am torn between accepting that it is not in the cards for me, or getting out there in the dating scene again. I am not jaded. I still want to find love and be married.
> 
> Any thoughts?


Oh that's a tough one! You have more than one clock ticking. That's very tough. I am with you and just a few yrs older. I don't want to find myself. I like being a part of a pair and I had my partner picked out, but I couldn't even tell you where he is or what state he was in yesterday! 

I guess at some point soon you will have to look into yourself and see what you want to more... waiting on him? someone else? or work on getting a baby? Did your OB tell you why you miscarried? Had he run tests?


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

I guess at some point soon you will have to look into yourself and see what you want to more... waiting on him? someone else? or work on getting a baby? Did your OB tell you why you miscarried? Had he run tests?[/QUOTE]



I was barely 6 weeks pregnant. One moment I was pregnant, and a couple of weeks later it literally just went away. Apparently it is very common, and the doc was not concerned about trying again in the future.

I do want to take this time by myself to learn to love and appreciate myself... I haven't for most of my life. I have always struggled with my weight, and I want to concentrate on being healthy...as well as looking good  Also, things my husband did in our marriage gave my already low self-esteem a beating. 

I don't want to rush to file for divorce, but I also can't wait around for him to "find himself." He has a lot of problems he needs to work through, but so do I.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

hilly2 said:


> I was barely 6 weeks pregnant. One moment I was pregnant, and a couple of weeks later it literally just went away. Apparently it is very common, and the doc was not concerned about trying again in the future.
> 
> I do want to take this time by myself to learn to love and appreciate myself... I haven't for most of my life. I have always struggled with my weight, and I want to concentrate on being healthy...as well as looking good  Also, things my husband did in our marriage gave my already low self-esteem a beating.
> 
> I don't want to rush to file for divorce, but I also can't wait around for him to "find himself." He has a lot of problems he needs to work through, but so do I.


I had a miscarriage that was about that far along too. It's still hard, even if it was a surprise pregnancy. 

If you are needing to gain confidence I can totally understand. I guess I have been doing that for a few years now ... and weight loss. I think I have got that down too. I have lost 95+ lbs in about a year and have kept it off for about 6 months. I think that was a big problem the last months in our marriage. I wanted him to be proud and find me sexy... didn't accomplish that at all. But I do get ppl all the time that will boost my ego. I found a great group of supportive people while losing weight. If you are interested I will share privately. I had baby weight to shed and he never complained but I didn't feel healthy, sexy, and I have little people that I need to live for. 

I don't want to rush to file either but I am putting in little time lines... I don't want to live in limbo and I owe it to my kids to be happy and the best way is if their mama is happy


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Thanks, Yes, send me a message regarding the site. I woke up this morning thinking of my husband as usual. He is teaching class right now, so I know that makes it easier for him to not think of me.

My brother and his wife are coming by to pick me up for breakfast this morning. His wife is 3 months pregnant, so that is something else I am dealing with right now. I am extremely happy for them, but I can't help but think "I wish that was me."

I found a quote that fits my husband to a T. I wish I had the nerve to put it on my Facebook status...but it might cause drama:

“Some people change jobs, spouses, and friends – but never think of changing themselves.” –Paula Giddings, Writer






Mamatomany said:


> I had a miscarriage that was about that far along too. It's still hard, even if it was a surprise pregnancy.
> 
> If you are needing to gain confidence I can totally understand. I guess I have been doing that for a few years now ... and weight loss. I think I have got that down too. I have lost 95+ lbs in about a year and have kept it off for about 6 months. I think that was a big problem the last months in our marriage. I wanted him to be proud and find me sexy... didn't accomplish that at all. But I do get ppl all the time that will boost my ego. I found a great group of supportive people while losing weight. If you are interested I will share privately. I had baby weight to shed and he never complained but I didn't feel healthy, sexy, and I have little people that I need to live for.
> 
> I don't want to rush to file either but I am putting in little time lines... I don't want to live in limbo and I owe it to my kids to be happy and the best way is if their mama is happy


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

[ProfJ - did your jaw drop when the book was suggested? Did you inquire why he would suggest it... Lesson to the rest of us... have a book ready to suggest to men on how to treat us women! The talking about themselves I can handle... but the other seems rude or like he has his own issues.[/QUOTE]

Absolutely! I was staring at him like he has three heads. I mean..Can you be more into yourself?? I told my friend about this, and she said, maybe the guy is just begging to be understood.
I really don't care at this point. I really, really wonder how people make marriage last...


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