# Shattered. Where did he go and who is this stranger?



## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

At the moment we’re separated and living under the same roof. I haven’t been happy for a couple of years, increasingly in the last year. 

We’ve been together for 6.5 years, married almost 5 years. He was everything – urbane, musical, so handsome. Always dressed well and took pride in his appearance. He was funny, witty, beautiful and I was the envy of all women everywhere. He was just going through a divorce and losing his 2 yr old son in the deal. I had experienced the death of my father, suicide of my cousin and 2 miscarriages before we met. In hindsight, neither of us was emotionally ready to begin a relationship, but when you're so in love, as if you're going to say "I'll tell you what, why don't we hook up in about 6 months time? I've just got some stuff to deal with right now. Soz." I managed to help him through the change in his relationship with his son, and that's when I first noticed his propensity for sticking his head in the sand. I tried subtlety to help him through it, but eventually had to use some tough love to stop himself from letting his defence mechanism to damage his relationship with his boy. It worked, and they still have a standing Daddy-Son time every Wednesday. I am not a parent, but even I knew that consistency was the key.

We moved from our apartment on the city fringe and bought a house and land package in a growing area about 30km outside the city almost 4 years ago. It’s a new suburb bordering an old suburb, very suburban, and domestic. I’m from Australia so we call it ‘yobbo’, but I believe the term would be ‘*******’. We knew I wouldn’t like it all that much but I thought as long as we were together and it was only a 5 year plan. I told everyone, including myself, that even though we can’t live in the place we love anymore, we can bring a little of it to the new place. I thought we’d do the tiny garden up and get some trees in (new land, site scraped, no trees). I held out hope that I could make it feel like home. But he procrastinated. Wouldn’t commit to doing anything in the yard, and I started to see a transformation in him. 

He started drinking a lot more – or at least he started becoming more affected by alcohol and I could see it in his body and in his personality and behaviour. As he lost more and more of his sophistication and of the things that always drew me to him, I became more and more bitter and tired of his antics. He befriended a new neighbour across the street who clearly has a big drinking problem and started to take on his mannerisms. I could feel myself losing my husband, and before too long, my subtle hints to him that this was not ok became instant chastising of him such as “just be a man and stop acting like a disgusting child”. I became quick to upset. In Dec 2009 his friend ended a relationship and came to live with us for 3-4 months. 8 months on he is only just moving out this weekend and that’s because I’d had enough and told him a few things – nicely I might add. 

I instigated counseling in April or May this year. I felt so alone and figured that if I’m that lonely with him, I’m better off without him. Throughout the sessions he would sit with his beer gut sticking up, slumped like a slob in the chair, and just be the passenger. The counselor and I would sit and talk and she would try and get him involved, but he just thought that because I was the one who saw the problem in our marriage, that meant I was the one with the problem. I felt more and more alone, and couldn’t understand why he wasn’t unhappy. How can one person in the marriage feel lonely and the other one not? Emotionally, he wasn’t there. I needed emotional support throughout the relationship and he was unable to deliver. 

The catalyst for my decision to ask for a divorce came 2 weeks ago. It was the 8th anniversary of the day my father died and I was not ok. Some years I’m fine. This year I wasn’t. I felt the grief and shock almost as much as the day I watched him take his last breath. I cried uncontrollably and he was nice about it and gave me a cuddle. I went out with my Mum for lunch (as we always do on that day just to touch base) and when I came home I hoped I could have a quiet day with him, have a drink together and just relax. Instead, I came home and found him drunk and behaving obnoxiously. He spent the afternoon sneaking out to drink with the guy over the road and apparently to go around the side of the house and spew. Later the guy’s partner came over unexpectedly and then my husband and her partner and their 3 yr old turned up and my husband began farting and polluting the air we breathed (sounds funny, but live with a lack of fresh air like this and then try laughing about it). 

That day marked the beginning of the end for me. I made him sleep on the couch and we never shared the bed again. It was his birthday last weekend and he said he wanted to spend it with me in a hotel room. I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea since I couldn’t even share our room at home with him. I told him the problem in our relationship was not lack of romance; that it was beyond that now. I explicitly told him not to book the room, but he booked it anyway and I felt obliged to go. I felt like a caged animal in that tiny room with the view of a concrete slab. We fought and I left him there, took my car and drove home. 

The next day (his birthday) I had decided that was it. He spent the entire day in the city on his own, and came home saying “well, I’ve had a big day!” as if nothing had happened. He refused to acknowledge (just as he had done throughout our marriage) that there was a problem, or that anything at all had happened. I had felt like there was no choice but to abandon him in a hotel on his own, on his birthday and he didn’t think there was any problem or anything to talk about. When he proved for the last time that he was nothing more than a passenger here, I told him I wanted a divorce. He didn’t believe me. How can a man not hear his wife say the words “it’s over. I can’t do this any more. I want a divorce.” He said “No you don’t. You’re just being extreme. You’re being silly.”

During the week, living as a separated couple, he has said he’ll do anything not to divorce me. He has said I’m making a HUGE mistake. How? Were things just about to start looking up? Was he planning on improving the relationship on a specific date? The fact is, my heart and soul are shattered. This has been the worst experience of my life, and I’ve had a lot of death and grief to deal with. I miss him like crazy, but I have to remind myself it’s the old version of him, before he became this way, that I miss. 

I have told him that I’m moving out as soon as I can find an apartment that will take me and our 2 cats. It’s been up to me this whole time to instigate good steps forward in our relationship, dragging him along with me. I have told him that I need my own counseling and he needs his own before there is any chance of having further counseling together and discussing any kind of reconciliation. And I’m putting my foot down on that. I will not find him a counselor or book an appointment for him. That is the only way he can prove to me that it is worth fixing – for him to be proactive for once and make his own moves towards improving our marriage.

So, that’s my story. Probably sounds very clinical, but I have rarely been far from tears throughout the last week. I just have to stay focused. We’re going to sell that house and get away from that area and I’m going to start fresh and work on myself.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

I think you have done so much this far, maybe it is time that you separate, at least for a while. Worth considering that you work on a timescale where you both work on yourselves, then start to see if you can work together too. 

It screams at me that with your h the booze is an issue, and there's depression in there as well I would suspect. He may need help in that area and maybe there is some help for you in understanding the effect it has on you. 

The way you felt on your Dad's anniversary is completely understandable, I had a very similar experience this year which was my Dad's 9th. Battling through a nightmare year in terms of my marriage, I have found that the sense of loss from my Dad's passing is as raw as it was the day he died. I often wonder what advice he would give me if I could talk to him about it all. The sad thing is, I really have no idea what he would say.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

I often think the same thing, Willow, and wonder what Dad would have said. In this case, I'm really not sure. I know he quit drinking for my Mum's sake (not a horrible, rough alcoholic, but enough to negatively impact their marriage with the way he behaved when drunk, much like my own). When we first decided to get married I had a dream that we met up with him in a pub and he gave me a voucher for a Rocky Mountains holiday to the value of $5617 and shook my husband's hand with his left hand. I took that as his approval and it was very important to me. 

Even though they never met, H has so many similarities to Dad. There have been times when my Mum and I are blown away by them (and no, I don't just mean the farts) and I wonder how it is possible for him to have so many of his mannerisms without ever meeting him or even seeing footage of him. Having said that, it is a huge turnoff that he has become so much like my Dad, even down to his growing beer gut. Both H and Dad were slim builds but added a beer gut that looks just horrible. I think the biggest similarity, though, would have to be the wasted potential. Dad was a very gifted man, and yet he settled into boring, suburban life and that was it. I hate that H is so talented and yet shows no passion for anything (another sign of depression). He thrives on attention and we often had neighbours come in to have a singalong while he showed off on the piano. 

My goal is to take the time I need and heal myself, and I hope he does the same for himself. Then maybe we can start counselling together again, this time on stronger footing. My sister called him last night (she's overseas) and I heard him telling her he's been doing pushups and situps, which is something his friend and I have been trying to get him to understand he needs to do for months. So it seems he is finally listening. Plus I told him very firmly the other night that he has an 8 yr old son (previous marriage) who has aspergers and it's hard enough for his mother to explain to him why he can and can't do the basics without having to explain why his father died so young. It's not fair. I said "regardless of how you feel about yourself, you have a responsibility to him and you are not living up to it." That was during a conversation we had on Friday night. We needed to talk through what to do logistically, so I bought him his fave bottle of wine (note: _not beer_) and sat down to discuss it all. After about an hour of talks, we had to call it a day so he could go and throw up after downing the entire bottle. Oh no, he doesn't have a drinking problem. I am not my mother. I am not my mother...

He clearly has depression, and I know I do as well, but he has avoided dealing with it for so long that I know he can't do it alone. And he can't do it with me either. He needs to organise his own counsellor, just as I have done for myself, and I will not do it for him. That will only make me his enabler, and I've been that for too long. I'm a natural problem solver. Whatever the problem, I can find a solution. In this case, I'm having to put that instinctive behaviour aside and let him solve his own problems or not. I say 'or not' because I need him to prove that he can take control of his own destiny - that I don't have to be in control and be the decision maker and the driving force in the relationship. It's probably the most painful part of this separation, because I fear that if he continues to be so emotionally lazy (that's his own admission - the term he used to describe himself) then that means that this marriage really does have to be over. We were the poster pin-up couple. Our friends told their friends about us and used us as an example of a perfect couple. Like a duck on the lake - so simple and graceful on top, yet paddling like mad beneath the surface.

Ok, so I'm having a strong day today. This really is a roller coaster.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

At least there are small signs that he is willing to make a change. Do you think you could get him to AA? 

We also share another thing _ am also a natural problem solver, when something's wrong I try and fix it. So when our marriage hit the rocks I tried to do all I could for myself and my H as a couple. After a month of me bouncing around applying band aids to everything I could, my H lost it at me and told me how much pressure my approach put on him, how wearing it was living with me when I was in 'fix' mode (its ok for him to be in 'fix' mode but that's another story...) and how it made him want to leave. I was gobsmacked that where I had been seeking some resolution, I was actually wreaking havoc! So I went away and had a long think, did some research, came here and read, and realised all I can possibly change is me. That's what I've been doing ever since and I would say, 4 months on from that discussion, that our marriage is healthier but far from out of the woods. I can say unequivocally that your journey working on yourself will take you to a better place and hope that it helps heal your marriage too.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

Thanks Willow. It's early days yet (10 days separated today) and until his friend moves out in 3 days I know there will be no communication. He always said let's just wait until he moves out, but there was never a date for that to happen. He's a real fence-sitter my H and doesn't like confrontation because it might mean that he won't be everyone's favourite anymore, at the risk of being _my_ favourite. I think he'd rather be popular with a bunch of people than popular with his wife. Maybe after his friend moves out we can talk about things. Until then, I'm just going to continue doing what I'm doing. It seems to be working for me. All I'm doing is staying calm (I stopped smoking about 6 weeks ago and have to stay calm or I'll want one, so I'm avoiding cravings. Having said that, I don't even want one anyway because I'm experiencing some health problems related to smoking and having a range of tests that have me a little concerned but so zen about everything at the moment that it's not getting me down). Playing with my cats and noticing the change in them - there are 2 and 1 never wanted to sit on my lap before, now I can hardly get him off it. He's a very sensitive boy. Every day it's go to work, come home, H is nowhere to be seen, don't know what he's doing after work. He comes home, makes his dinner, eats it in his room. That's it. That's all there is to life at the moment. 

When people tell me it's good we're breaking up I feel upset and defensive. Isn't that weird?


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

healingme said:


> When people tell me it's good we're breaking up I feel upset and defensive. Isn't that weird?


No its not weird at all, you're probably going to go through every emotion under the sun (and a few on the dark side of the moon). Go with your gut on what you do, other people are great for support but careful they don't command your direction of travel. 

Let's hope once H's friend is out you can start to get things out in the open. 

Big cat fan here your boy obviously senses you need comfort. That's lovely.

Well done on the smoking too


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

H has updated his Facebook status to say he's on a health kick, hasn't eaten crap for almost 2 weeks, going to stick to low carb beer etc. He's a very popular person and his friends keep egging him on and showing support, and all I can think of is why the hell didn't he do this 6 months ago and what the hell do they know anyway? And is he doing this because he wants to impress me, or in spite of me? 

Mum told me he has contacted her and he's going out there on Sunday to see her. She doesn't know why. Neither do I. I just don't know him anymore, so can't think why he'd do that. It could be to make good on some promises of helping her around the house before he stops being her son-in-law. Or it could be to say goodbye. It could be to talk to her about how he feels. But if that's it, then shouldn't he just talk to me, since that's a huge part of our problem in the first place? 

I hate this. I'm not saying I'm a victim here, but I sure was the only one to see the problems in the marriage for what they were, and it spoke volumes to me that he assumed I was the one with the problem because I was the one who acknowledged it. I clearly remember a conversation we had early in our relationship about previous relationships, and he said his ex-girlfriends would want to talk about problems in their relationship but that he never did because he "didn't think it was worth it". And now, here he is, doing the exact same thing to me. Man, are we allowed to swear on this website because I can think of a dozen ways to express myself right now?!

I don't want to dwell on the 'if onlys'. I'm doing right by myself, looking after myself without him holding me back as per usual. It's very hard to eat right when your partner keeps bringing bad food into the house. So he's feeding himself, I'm feeding myself, I started yoga class last night as well which I think will be really beneficial to me. But the fact that he's on some health kick at the moment is messing with my head so badly I can hardly see straight. I remember telling a friend over a year ago that H is the kind of person who won't get off the tracks even when you tell him the train is coming. Only when he gets hit by the train does he eventually listen to what you were saying and it's always too late. I even said that to him, but as in typical H style, he DIDN'T F^&*@#% LISTEN.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

OMG how stupid can a person be? Last night I went out. Proper 'out' with an old friend and her partner and friends. It was an unexpected visit. She lives in a different state and we rarely see each other. So I texted H at about 4 to ask 'R U going to be out 2nite?'. We have 2 cats and one of them is on medication and I needed to know if he intended on coming in so he could be dosed. No response. 2 hours later I call and leave a message. "Can you please respond to my text?" No response. I cut my night short(ish) as I have no idea what is going on and I get home, feed and dose the cats. H is nowhere to be seen. 

It's morning now, and I just saw him. I asked why he didn't respond to my question. His answer - "I was giving you space". Need I say more?


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