# confused, need help



## fibi (Oct 10, 2013)

I have no one to talk to. My husband and I have only been married 2 and 3/4 years, we were planning our lives without children. We moved to Austin after a horrible first year in PA it was a very bad time for both of us. It took him a while to find a job down here and we basically went broke. He found a job and everything started looking positive. I found a job with the same company and we were having fun and all together. We found out we were pregnant (oops) but we came to terms and all. It was very stressful at the beginning I had several health issues and was fired from my job for missing so many days. We decided to keep me home to get better and basically grow this baby healthy. I am 36 weeks now and there have been several instances where we really fight. He hates his job and feels "stuck" he never wanted children or a dog nor a house. We just bought a house about 3 weeks ago and everything just seems to crumble. We cant be intimate cause it hurts me and we just seem to fight all the time. Im always tired and lately cant really do much. We have talked about a career change for him but we know we have to wait at least a year. He is misserable at his job and with our lives. He is a good man and I know he loves me but he has said some very very hurtful things, like today he told me he didn't know if id be a good mother because im lazy and such and that he wonders if I would even take care of our child. This is not the first time he has said this so I know he really feels that way. I have cried so much lately I feel like I cant handle it anymore. I love him with all my heart but I wonder if we should separate, It is obvious that he does not want a family. He doesn't want the house, the pet and the kid and I feel like im holding him down. Should I let him go and make his own life? One that he actually wants?? after all I was the un-carefull one who got pregnant when we had agreeed on no children.
I am very confused, I am very hurt from his words. It is not the first time we have talked about this nor will it be the last unless I do something about it. I am very hurt and I know in my heart that I should not hold him down but, what do I do? Am I overreacting? am I just supposed to wait home like an idiot for him to say "im sorry i was stressed and I didnt mean it" and then just let it go ... why do I always have to be the one forgeting and looking the other way... am i .. Wrong?


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

It takes two people to make a baby.If you let him go your letting
him off the hook.Sounds like you are both young, and its normal
to be scared and stressed.

It can also be one of the happiest things to happen in a marriage.
I'm a male and loved every minute of helping my children grow up.
Support him and try and be positive as if you work at it,things
do get better.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

im a guy and sorry for what you are going through. if he is doing this everyday something does need to change. never let someone talk to you like this.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

fibi said:


> Should I let him go and make his own life? One that he actually wants?? after all I was the un-carefull one who got pregnant when we had agreeed on no children.


Couples agree on "no children" all the time and guess what? Things happen. Babies happen. If you are having sex, the risk of pregnancy is there regardless of how careful you are. Part of being an adult is recognizing that our actions have lasting consequences. Guess what? You didn't want kids either and you have managed to suck it up and prepare for motherhood. He could have had a vasectomy in 20 minutes tops if he was really serious but he didn't. He puts the onus and blame on you. 

I don't know if he will get better after the baby is born. It sounds like you will have two infants on your hands. Infants are helpless beings, your grown husband just thinks he is. He's a victim afterall. 

You say you worry you are "holding him back". What are you holding him from? My experience is you held him back from nothing. Those that blame others for all their "misfortunes" never succeed a damn. They take no ownership for their own actions and yet everybody around them are responsible for their crappy decisions. 

What gets me the most is the buying a house part. Don't get me wrong, every part of what you wrote is revolting and filled with victimhood on his part but the house part takes the cake. Nobody buys a house if they don't want to. You pre-qualify for financing after showing every piece of financial paperwork you accumulated in the last 5 years and agree to the lending terms, look at 30 or so houses before you decide on one, negotiate the price with the seller, get the house inspected, re-negotiate the price with the seller, agree to price, set a closing date, show up at the title company and sign/initial hundreds of pages of documents.......and you forced him in to this?! What a load of [email protected]!t. He could have said no at any of the hundreds of parts involved. He didn't. 

I don't know what to tell you at this point but I just want to hug you, a (((((((real big hug))))))). I know you say your husband is a great man but to me, he sounds like a first rate scum bag. I guess the biggest question is can you ever respect him again after everything he has NOT done during your time of need? If the answer is yes, then you should continue with your marriage. If the answer is no, then you need to plan your exit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fibi said:


> after all I was the un-carefull one who got pregnant when we had agreeed on no children.


Why do you take the blame for getting pregnant?

Having career, house, pet and child is not holding someone down.

Perhaps you need to draw a line in the sand with him. If some one leaves it should be him and not you. Tell him that you are tired of his mean attitude. If he does not want a child and house then he can leave. He can just file for divorce and go do whatever it is he thinks is more important than you and his child.

But if he stays his nonsense stops NOW. There will be no more mean words, fights, etc. 

Put the responsibility back on him.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

He does not sound like a good man.:/ 

A good man would never call his wife lazy or put the blame on her to get pregnant along with everything else he's said to you.

I'm very sorry your going through this. I hope things do look up for you soon. Congratulations on the future baby.  I can't imagine life without my children.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

It's his child as much as yours, he needs to take responsibility for it. Don't let him off the hook.

Him saying those things shows a big lack of respect for you.

Sure he isn't cheating. People often say nasty things to you when they are cheating.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

fibi said:


> He is a good man and I know he loves me but he has said some very very hurtful things, like today he told me he didn't know if id be a good mother because im lazy and such and that he wonders if I would even take care of our child. This is not the first time he has said this so I know he really feels that way. I have cried so much lately I feel like I cant handle it anymore. I love him with all my heart but I wonder if we should separate, It is obvious that he does not want a family.


How do you know that he loves you? What does that look like?

I feel for you. It sounds like you have both had a stressful couple of years. Was he there for you during the health issues?

You wrote that you (as a couple) had come to terms with being pregnant. Why would you think you're holding him down? If he has expressed this himself, that's on him to deal with.

I'm not condoning the hurtful things he's said to you. That is very hurtful, non-supportive and disrespectful. To flip this on it's head for the moment though, bare with me as I'm not suggesting that behavior ought to be accepted (and I wonder how you responded to such a thing) - what are his expectations of you that you're not meeting, that has him viewing you as lazy, and have those expectations been unrealistic? Is he lashing out from a place of fear that he's going to be shouldering responsibility over it being shared between you?


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