# Triggers



## RobinX03 (Oct 20, 2012)

Hello. It has been one month since the day the truth came out. DH had a physical affair. We talked about it, we are staying together and moving forward. We knew our marriage was getting bad before the affair happened. We are now working on our marriage and actually it is 90% better then it has been in like a year. The biggest problem was we never communicated anything. Now, we communicate everything. We are so much more open and it has made everything better. I have forgiven him for his actions.

How do you deal with triggers? I dont know what all my triggers are. But I do know some are songs and whatnot. But I can just be sitting on the couch and BAM it hits me out of no where, creeps into my mind and I dwell on it until I want to box.  When you are faced with a trigger, what do you do to avoid getting upset all over again? Most of the time, when I am at home and get hit with a trigger, I just get sad, at the fact that it happened and at the fact that I cant forget it. When I see the TRAMP out in public, I get angry and want to box. What is the best way to deal with both the angry triggers and the sad triggers? 

Thanks


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Robin...from my experience, being 7 months from Dday I still get a trigger now and then. It does get better, however, sometimes the triggers are things I may never have thought about. Luckily, songs are NOT one of my triggers. Which is good cuz I love music. My triggers are places. I literally have to drive past 3 hotels where my wife was with the xOM during her affair. In the beginning, it was really hard to drive. Now, it has definitely gotten a lot easier. However, once maybe every couple weeks I'll get triggered as I go by. I talk to her after we get home and get out my feelings.

That is all you can really do. You can NOT try to control the triggers. Just know that they will ease up eventually. You sound a lot like my wife and I that communication was one of our biggest issues. Now, communication is all the time and about everything! It is full circle from what it used to be.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I hate how we got here, but I'm glad this is where we are.

Good luck to you!


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## RobinX03 (Oct 20, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I've said it before and I'll say it again: I hate how we got here, but I'm glad this is where we are.
> Good luck to you!


Thanks! It helps so much to hear that other people are dealing with the same thing and making it work. That we can make it work. 

Right now I know my biggest trigger is that SHE lives at the end of our street. We live on a dead end, so there is only one way out, drive by her house. Plus I see her at the bus stop sometimes when she is getting her kids, Im usually walking passed to get my kid from a different place, but I still see her. We are fixing to move away from here and I hope that this move will help ELIMINATE a lot of those triggers. 

I couldnt agree more with your quote. I hate that it took THIS to get our marriage back on track but Im glad that it is..


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## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

Hello,
I am also 7 mos. past D Day. There are many triggers since I our bed was one of the places (twice, who's counting). I also refuse to ever stay at a Best Western since that was the hotel of choice. I have read mulitple recovery books/courses since. One piece of advice I read was to picture the images as a framed piece in a musuem and to visualize it being at the end of a very long dimly lit hall with only candles around it. This makes it difficult to see the details and eventually makes it harder to see the image in your mind. As far as physical visual triggers such as locations etc. I just did some deep breathing and focused on my present not on the past. There is no easy way and just mere time passing does not magically heal. Find any image that calms you and replace the feeling from the trigger with the feeling you get from waterfalls, sunsets etc. 
We are also working thru and repairing our marriage. He is genuine as am I, but even with both of us doing the 'right" things as per the experts, it is still hard, and there are some day I would rather just cry for a few hours before I get up.
This is a time for great reflection and self growth too. It sucks but hopefully you will feel much better as a whole once the raw feelings begin to be less vivid. 
Best wishes to you and let yourself heal - 
SDCott


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wow. She lives on your street. F'ng OUCH! That's gotta be tough. I mean, the closest thing I had was that we bought a snowblower from a guy who lives a couple houses down from her xOM. We sold it a couple weeks ago. For MORE than we paid!!! LOL

About a move. Yes, I believe truly that will be a HUGE help for you. For example, my wife (her name is Regret214 on the forums here) met the xOM here at my house in our basement bedroom for the first year and a half of a 5 year affair. I can't tell you what a move would mean to me. Matter of fact, I'll be looking into short selling our house this week cuz we just want the heck outta here and the ghosts that haunt me.

I wish you strength and peace!


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

"Sitting on the couch and BAM it hits me," Boy Do I know that feeling. I probably trigger more on the couch than anywhere. I think because things are calm and settled and your mind starts to wonder. At 1 month out your probably doing this a lot, it's still VERY fresh for you.

I am 5 months out and it's better. However, I still get the images, thoughts, mind movies etc daily on and off. It's painful. My wife is usually there with me when it happens, or she is quickly there soon after because she is so in tuned to me she knows when I am having a hard time. She will talk it out with me, that's all you can do, express those feelings to your spouse, DO NOT hold them in.

If your spouse is truly remorseful they will be there for you, talk with you and comfort you. 

It will get better and easier with time, but you still have a ways to go, so just hang in there and keep doing what's your doing and you will make it. You are not alone in this, there are many of us in R (reconciliation) and we ALL deal with this issue.

Are you all in counseling of any kind? you might want to consider it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

B1...I think Robin might wanna take a gander at your gigantic thread called "Reconciliation". There is soooo much healing going on there and man oh, man...I gotta say it is THE thread I look at every single day on TAM. Even if I don't post. I read it.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

2yrs out. They don't come as hard or near as often, but they come. 
They don't drop me to my knees anymore. I refuse to let them ruin my day anymore.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Aren't there any coping mechanisms for when you trigger? I'm the WS but would love if hubby could figure out what to do to help the triggers when he's at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

CSS...it doesn't work for all, I was told by my IC this week that he cannot understand how I have the strength to deal with Regret's 5 year long affair and not have killed someone by now.

The way I deal with the triggers is almost simplistic. I let it run it's course. Then I meditate. I've studied Zen since I was a teenager, so about 30 years. I visualize Regret and I in our simpler times when we first met. I visualize the woman who I met...the woman who she has found again.

He has to try NOT to control the triggers. To let them pass. They suck moose balls. They really do. But he will get better.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> CSS...it doesn't work for all, I was told by my IC this week that he cannot understand how I have the strength to deal with Regret's 5 year long affair and not have killed someone by now.
> 
> The way I deal with the triggers is almost simplistic. I let it run it's course. Then I meditate. I've studied Zen since I was a teenager, so about 30 years. I visualize Regret and I in our simpler times when we first met. I visualize the woman who I met...the woman who she has found again.
> 
> He has to try NOT to control the triggers. To let them pass. They suck moose balls. They really do. But he will get better.


Hey thanks, that's the most advice we've been able to get so far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

CSS...tell yer boy to PM me any time he's in that dark place. Heck! Anyone on this site PM me if you ever get into a trigger that you feel you can't cope with. I swear to you and all that is Holy that I will do my utmost to help you through it.

Triggers suck A$$!!! I've worked a TON through them. I've come out better on the other side. I ain't perfect. But I am effective!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> 2yrs out. They don't come as hard or near as often, but they come.
> They don't drop me to my knees anymore. I refuse to let them ruin my day anymore.


Same here!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> CSS...it doesn't work for all, I was told by my IC this week that he cannot understand how I have the strength to deal with Regret's 5 year long affair and not have killed someone by now.
> 
> The way I deal with the triggers is almost simplistic. I let it run it's course. Then I meditate. I've studied Zen since I was a teenager, so about 30 years. I visualize Regret and I in our simpler times when we first met. I visualize the woman who I met...the woman who she has found again.
> 
> He has to try NOT to control the triggers. To let them pass. They suck moose balls. They really do. But he will get better.


They would come and it seemed trying to control them just made them grow. It took a long time but I learned to let them ride...but on my terms. Doesn't mean I don't get pissed though, just not redline anymore.


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## RobinX03 (Oct 20, 2012)

Thank you everyone. Such great info and help. I'm going to reply to each of you once I get on the computer. Just wanted to say thank you now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RobinX03 (Oct 20, 2012)

sdcott said:


> Hello,
> I am also 7 mos. past D Day. There are many triggers since I our bed was one of the places (twice, who's counting). I also refuse to ever stay at a Best Western since that was the hotel of choice. I have read mulitple recovery books/courses since. One piece of advice I read was to picture the images as a framed piece in a musuem and to visualize it being at the end of a very long dimly lit hall with only candles around it. This makes it difficult to see the details and eventually makes it harder to see the image in your mind. As far as physical visual triggers such as locations etc. I just did some deep breathing and focused on my present not on the past. There is no easy way and just mere time passing does not magically heal. Find any image that calms you and replace the feeling from the trigger with the feeling you get from waterfalls, sunsets etc.
> We are also working thru and repairing our marriage. He is genuine as am I, but even with both of us doing the 'right" things as per the experts, it is still hard, and there are some day I would rather just cry for a few hours before I get up.
> This is a time for great reflection and self growth too. It sucks but hopefully you will feel much better as a whole once the raw feelings begin to be less vivid.
> ...


I like the idea of replacing the bad throughts/imagines with something happier. Maybe carrying a family picture with me and when the trigger catches me, I can look at the picture and think about happier times and how much I love my fmaily.


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## RobinX03 (Oct 20, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Wow. She lives on your street. F'ng OUCH!


Yes and we actually started out as "friends." Her H and mine started hanging out and I had a bad feeling from the first time she & I hung out. Not that she was a tramp but just an odd feeling.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, my triggers have gotten pretty bad. 

I've had crying triggers at work that are very embarrassing...

What I did was usually blamed allergies. 

But I found ways to deal with it was to try and create some happy memories with my wife. 
And I try to remember those when I have one come up. 

Like several days ago at work, something almost got to me, and probably would've made me ball up. 
But I didn't focus on the hurt and the pain. 
I thought back to the weekend before, where my wife, and I, and some business friends, went swing dancing (I know, old fashion but it was a lot of fun) 
And I was able to shake it, and it made me actually feel better. Knowing we had shared that moment, and were having fun, and were getting around it. 

Honestly though, the best cure is just time. It is the best healer.


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## RobinX03 (Oct 20, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> "She will talk it out with me, that's all you can do, express those feelings to your spouse, DO NOT hold them in.
> If your spouse is truly remorseful they will be there for you, talk with you and comfort you.
> Are you all in counseling of any kind? you might want to consider it.


We do talk about things, a lot. When I had a real hard time and he is at work, I email him and he emails me back. We havent done any counseling yet. I have thought of it and it may be an option down the road.


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## RobinX03 (Oct 20, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> how I have the strength to deal with Regret's 5 year long affair and not have killed someone by now.
> 
> He has to try NOT to control the triggers. To let them pass. They suck moose balls. They really do. But he will get better.


You are incredible strong for sticking it out after a 5 yr affair! Props to you and LMAO about the moose balls!


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## RobinX03 (Oct 20, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Well, my triggers have gotten pretty bad.
> 
> I've had crying triggers at work that are very embarrassing...
> 
> ...


H had suggested we make new happy memories and after we are done moving, we will start this with date nights and time with out the kids. (And of course w/the kids) 




Tonight I had an unexpected trigger but didnt let it get to me. I was outside looking at the stars, looking for shooting stars. It reminded me that back in the Summer we used on of H's welding hoods to look at the eclipse and to try and see on of the planets by the moon. H lent it to HER so she could see too. I cannot remember if that was before or after the affair time, but I am not going to let that memory ruin the enjoyment of looking at the stars.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

8 months since DDAY she 's now committed yet I feel distant, reserved, and self protected, think about the emotional harm she caused me daily, and overall still a wreck. What do you do when the person you loved more than anything becomes the very trigger, yet you still feel, but also fear?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

RobinX03 said:


> H had suggested we make new happy memories and after we are done moving, we will start this with date nights and time with out the kids. (And of course w/the kids)
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And that is why I say make new ones. 

I realized, using old ones, they are poisoned. 
That is like using spoiled medicine. 
Aspirin from 1997 will do me no good.

New ones don't have the taint that old ones will.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

It's been almost a year and a half now. There are no emotional triggers attached to good things anymore. We used to watch The Office together, and I'm able to do that happily. 

She destroyed many, many things but left one thing: a plush white rabbit, which she got me when we were first dating. I am able to hold it and look at it without feeling agony, but rather happiness. I remember the good times. 

The only "triggers" I guess if we're going to call them that, are when I get angry. I get angry when I see infidelity. I mean, I get hostile. But I was always like that. The opening scene in "Shawshank Redemption" always made me uneasy. But now I see red whenever I see an unfaithful spouse. 

Also doccool. Those people deserve to be annihilated.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Agreed about doccool . Put them all on an island together and we'd see how long they liked their concept of relationships together.


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## RobinX03 (Oct 20, 2012)

Is it normal that when I look back at pictures taken around the time of the affair that I feel like they are lies. Like our 3 yr anniv was in May and the A happened in April/May. Now when I look at the pics from our anniv trip, it feels like a lie, even though H swears he wasn't thinking of HER then and that by that time it was over. Also even our family trip in May, we went camping, just and our kids. It feels like lies. Most pics are of the kids and some of H, everyone seems happy, but it feels like lies. Is this a normal feeling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

RobinX03 said:


> Is it normal that when I look back at pictures taken around the time of the affair that I feel like they are lies. Like our 3 yr anniv was in May and the A happened in April/May. Now when I look at the pics from our anniv trip, it feels like a lie, even though H swears he wasn't thinking of HER then and that by that time it was over. Also even our family trip in May, we went camping, just and our kids. It feels like lies. Most pics are of the kids and some of H, everyone seems happy, but it feels like lies. Is this a normal feeling?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. I feel that it's like a window to the past and the cheating wife is looking out at me with lies in her heart.

Pictures and memories from during my ww's pa are unbearable.

I can't look at any pictures from our 22 year marriage as the woman looking back at me would cheat me in the future.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

RobinX03 said:


> Is it normal that when I look back at pictures taken around the time of the affair that I feel like they are lies. Like our 3 yr anniv was in May and the A happened in April/May. Now when I look at the pics from our anniv trip, it feels like a lie, even though H swears he wasn't thinking of HER then and that by that time it was over. Also even our family trip in May, we went camping, just and our kids. It feels like lies. Most pics are of the kids and some of H, everyone seems happy, but it feels like lies. Is this a normal feeling?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now THAT one hits close to home for one big, gigantic reason. My 6 year old daughter. Every place I look around the house, unless she's a baby, I know that Regret was in her affair. It is extremely difficult at times to absorb that fact.


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## RobinX03 (Oct 20, 2012)

We had anoter family trip in July and I had found on H's phone a picture of a letter I wrote him when we were having problems. I asked him why he had a picture on his phone of it. I litterally had to drag an answer out of him. He ended up telling me it was cause he had talk to OMW about it because she is studying to be a theropist, to get her opinion on what I was feeling and the pic was because the OMW's H was wanting to know why they were texting and H said it was only because of the letter. So now when I look at our trip pictures I think of that night wonder why he couldn't tell me then about the "A"... I look at the pics sad because he lied to me.... I want to go back and have a do over of all our trips, but I guess that's part of making new memories!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

RobinX03 said:


> Is it normal that when I look back at pictures taken around the time of the affair that I feel like they are lies. Like our 3 yr anniv was in May and the A happened in April/May. Now when I look at the pics from our anniv trip, it feels like a lie, even though H swears he wasn't thinking of HER then and that by that time it was over. Also even our family trip in May, we went camping, just and our kids. It feels like lies. Most pics are of the kids and some of H, everyone seems happy, but it feels like lies. Is this a normal feeling?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's a biggie to me. Like everyone else we have wedding pictures in our home. We look so happy on them. Now I think the marriage is nothing but a lie, so these pictures are triggers to me. But they just make me sad, not angry or anxious.

Also the pics she used for chat apps make me trigger.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Imagine having it going on two weeks prior and two weeks after your wedding. I don't even want to look at the pictures let alone think about them or my wedding "sigh"


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## RobinX03 (Oct 20, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Imagine having it going on two weeks prior and two weeks after your wedding. I don't even want to look at the pictures let alone think about them or my wedding "sigh"


That would be extremely hard! (Hug)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrokenHeartedBelle (Feb 14, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> 8 months since DDAY she 's now committed yet I feel distant, reserved, and self protected, think about the emotional harm she caused me daily, and overall still a wreck. What do you do when the person you loved more than anything becomes the very trigger, yet you still feel, but also fear?


We are 10 months from DD and this is also where I am. My husband is doing and saying all the right things, but I still feel disconnected from him. Each morning when I wake up I have a few seconds of peace, then it hits me again.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm 7 months out and the triggers come still. Most of the time they are little ones but still a trigger is a trigger. I had one over cough drops, yeah I know. I was handing my daughter a cough drop and I'm sitting in the bathroom floor crying for a few mins. Other times I have triggers I just give him the evil stare down.


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## RobinX03 (Oct 20, 2012)

I have actually been doing really good since posting this. I still have thoughts and images of her, of the actions and of the things H told me happened, but I am not letting it over take me. I am fighting to stay stronger. I know Ill have my down days where it all hits me again and Ill cry. But for now I am stronger and at peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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