# World turned upside down



## What Now

So everything I read recommends a support group so here I am. I’m not doing well most days. I feel my situation is unique, but I’m sure it isn’t. Here’s the snapshot: 2 months ago, my family and I were blindsided when my husband of 28 years told me he was leaving.
Although surprised, me and my young adult children were concerned when he said he was unhappy and tried to understand, assuring him we were worried about him and wanted his wellness and would support him however needed. I asked specifically if there was someone else. He said “no”. He went to his mothers. For 2 days I begged him to come home and work on things. I was sick throwing up (turned out to be a trauma reaction).

On the night of day 3, a man I did nit know called me. His wife works with my husband. He said they had been having an affair for 4-6 months and she, too, had left him that day to pursue a relationship with my husband. The facts were indisputable.

I didn’t talk to him for a month (blocked him). I them met with him a few times and talked. I talked, he mostly listened. It wasn’t ugly. He feels I never made time for him. HE NEVER TOLD ME HE FELT THIS WAY AND I HAD NO IDEA. WE DID LOTS TOGETHER, TOLD EACH OTHER WE LOVED EACH OTHER EVERYDAY, HAD SEX, AND WORKED TOGETHER TO RUN OUR FARM AND TAKE CARE OF OUR FAMILY. 

I put out indications I wanted to understand and work on healing. He did not seem interested. I told him I needed him to tell me he did not want to be married to me anymore. He couldn’t say that. All he could say is that he CAN’T be married to me anymore. 

He continues to date the other woman and they continue to work together in a small office. Although he was close to his work family, they no longer interact with him. They check on me and are supportive of me and my kids. This whole occurrence is truly scandalous, as we live in a small area and all work for the same organization (a mile down the road from each other).


I never thought I’d find myself here. After we talked off and on for a few weeks, he told me “I know I was a ****ty husband, but I like talking to you and I think I could be a good friend”. I blocked him again. Not out of anger, but because it was the boundary that I needed.


I rallied my troops and have a wealth of support. Being transparent helps. My kids aren’t talking to him either. This is not of my doing, but their choice. The kids and I try to be together whenever we can.
Now, my days vary greatly from empowered ones to very low ones, mostly very low ones lately. Thanks for taking time to read this and “listen”. Has anyone been through something like this?


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## Openminded

I’m sorry you find yourself here. Sadly, your story is very common. The ending of my very long marriage is why I joined years ago. My husband was a cheater who didn’t want a divorce and I was getting ready to file then. Reading stories here helped me get through that messy time.


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## Openminded

And my husband and I did end up being friends after the divorce. But that’s not that common.


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## Andy1001

What Now said:


> So everything I read recommends a support group so here I am. I’m not doing well most days. I feel my situation is unique, but I’m sure it isn’t. Here’s the snapshot: 2 months ago, my family and I were blindsided when my husband of 28 years told me he was leaving.
> Although surprised, me and my young adult children were concerned when he said he was unhappy and tried to understand, assuring him we were worried about him and wanted his wellness and would support him however needed. I asked specifically if there was someone else. He said “no”. He went to his mothers. For 2 days I begged him to come home and work on things. I was sick throwing up (turned out to be a trauma reaction).
> 
> On the night of day 3, a man I did nit know called me. His wife works with my husband. He said they had been having an affair for 4-6 months and she, too, had left him that day to pursue a relationship with my husband. The facts were indisputable.
> 
> I didn’t talk to him for a month (blocked him). I them met with him a few times and talked. I talked, he mostly listened. It wasn’t ugly. He feels I never made time for him. HE NEVER TOLD ME HE FELT THIS WAY AND I HAD NO IDEA. WE DID LOTS TOGETHER, TOLD EACH OTHER WE LOVED EACH OTHER EVERYDAY, HAD SEX, AND WORKED TOGETHER TO RUN OUR FARM AND TAKE CARE OF OUR FAMILY.
> 
> I put out indications I wanted to understand and work on healing. He did not seem interested. I told him I needed him to tell me he did not want to be married to me anymore. He couldn’t say that. All he could say is that he CAN’T be married to me anymore.
> 
> He continues to date the other woman and they continue to work together in a small office. Although he was close to his work family, they no longer interact with him. They check on me and are supportive of me and my kids. This whole occurrence is truly scandalous, as we live in a small area and all work for the same organization (a mile down the road from each other).
> 
> 
> I never thought I’d find myself here. After we talked off and on for a few weeks, he told me “I know I was a ****ty husband, but I like talking to you and I think I could be a good friend”. I blocked him again. Not out of anger, but because it was the boundary that I needed.
> 
> 
> I rallied my troops and have a wealth of support. Being transparent helps. My kids aren’t talking to him either. This is not of my doing, but their choice. The kids and I try to be together whenever we can.
> Now, my days vary greatly from empowered ones to very low ones, mostly very low ones lately. Thanks for taking time to read this and “listen”. Has anyone been through something like this?


The reason he wants you to be his friend has absolutely nothing to do with being his friend. Because you live in a small area he is feeling like an outcast amongst friends and family. If he’s able to tell people that you and him are friends he will also be able to claim that it was a mutual decision to separate and nothing to do with the other woman. Don’t play his game with him, in fact carry on exactly how you have been and if anyone asks tell them why you separated.


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## Rob_1

You didn't say but, I hope that you already served him with divorce papers if not what are you waiting for???


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## GusPolinski

Being friends means assuaging his guilt over cheating, lying, and leaving — and, hopefully, repairing his relationship with his children, mutual friends, etc.

After all, if he can convince you to be his friend after all that he’s done, then it must not have been that bad, right?


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