# Finding out that my husband is flirting with a porn star that he met at the gym



## sissi (Jul 6, 2020)

Hi
My husband goes to the gym, where a porn star goes too, she is not that famous yet, so he didn’t know her even if he does watch porn, a friend told him about her, he came home and he told me about it, he even showed me one of her videos (his eyes were sparkling and he seemed very interested in her) I looked at him like suspected and he was like: no, are you crazy she is a **** bla bla.
After 2 months I get a notification on Facebook that he became friend with a girl (the pic was a bit too sexy for being a coworker or an acquaintance)
So I asked him and he was shocked (he didn’t thought I could find out)

he said it was the porn star, then I asked why he would want to be a friend with a porn star that is half his age, he said just “curiosity” he had talked to her at the gym and she opened up to him about the difficulties of society etc., then he told her that he would add her on Facebook
(after that he changed his version saying she was a friend of a friend so he added her, I checked all his friends, and none of them had her as a friend)

immediately I asked for his phone to cancel her, but when I saw his face, I knew there was more.
I checked messenger and I found out that the day of his birthday, when I was preparing the cake for him he texted her this:

“Hi xxx, thank you for accepting me, for some reason I find myself with too much spare time, I really hope this situation ends up quickly for everyone, we will see each other at the gym I hope very soon, I need to burn out a lot of quarantine lol, good luck, you are so beautiful, bye 😉”


She answered: “oh yeah I hope the quarantine ends up quickly” (didn’t seem interested and didn’t even exchange the compliment, he confessed if she did he would be very pleased)
Needless to say, I was furious and I am still (after over one month)

During the quarantine he was at home for almost 2 months, he never talked or stayed with me and our child, he showed up only for meal times

Then our sex life was suffering, not because of me, he is the one who never asks for it, he is so cold, I confronted him about it 3 years ago, he apologized and promised to change but never did, he kept watching porn and masturbating to different women.
He is selfish and lazy, with me it would take time and effort so he prefers doing it all alone.

Now after denying and saying that it was normal to talk to other girls like he did, he apologized and admitted he was wrong, but he says he didn’t have the intention to sleep with her, it was just curiosity (to me curiosity would stop at watching her videos without seeking the contact and giving her compliments)

He admitted he watched her videos and masturbated to her
After fighting for days, he cancelled all his social media profiles, except Facebook (he needs it) we made up and he agreed to change, then after 2 weeks I find out another time unintentionally that he reactivated his twitter account where he was following her and a bunch of other porn stars, sluts and sex profiles.

The point is we have been married for 13 years, we have a 10 years old child, I tried to forget and forgive him but I am so hurt, I feel humiliated and I want to divorce


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@sissi Too bad he doesn't get the irony that the porn star sees him as a creeper (making this assumption from her business-like reply to his message to her). It sounds like your husband needs some serious reprogramming, and that's not easy nor does it always work. He has to really, REALLY want it to work. 

Have you done marriage counseling? He likely needs to do his own individual counseling as well.


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## sissi (Jul 6, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> @sissi Too bad he doesn't get the irony that the porn star sees him as a creeper (making this assumption from her business-like reply to his message to her). It sounds like your husband needs some serious reprogramming, and that's not easy nor does it always work. He has to really, REALLY want it to work.
> 
> Have you done marriage counseling? He likely needs to do his own individual counseling as well.


that what I told him, if I was in him I wouldn't approach her at all, first because chances of sleeping with a random dude just for the pleasure are very low, then I would look like a creepy pervy jerkaholic 
we haven't done any counseling yet
I talked to the girl, she understood me and said she wasn't interested in him and that all men are dumb lol (I showed him the message)
we haven't done any counseling yet


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sissi said:


> Hi
> My husband goes to the gym, where a porn star goes too, she is not that famous yet, so he didn’t know her even if he does watch porn, a friend told him about her, he came home and he told me about it, he even showed me one of her videos (his eyes were sparkling and he seemed very interested in her) I looked at him like suspected and he was like: no, are you crazy she is a **** bla bla.
> After 2 months I get a notification on Facebook that he became friend with a girl (the pic was a bit too sexy for being a coworker or an acquaintance)
> So I asked him and he was shocked (he didn’t thought I could find out)
> ...


This is all so disrespectful and he knows you put up with it cause he keeps doing it. Time for you to do a hard 180 on him and withdraw from him. Just do things for yourself and your kid. Do not engage with him, plan to go our alone, join club, friends etc. Leave him to his devices. Stop doing things for him also. If he only shows up at meal times, stop cooking for him and tell him that you are not his maid., you thought you were his wife, but obviously he has no time nor respect for you, so you are not going to bother being there for him either.
Are you working? If you are doing even less, no laundry, no nothing. 

If he doesn't wake up to the damage he is causing you may want to consider leaving him.


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## sissi (Jul 6, 2020)

aine said:


> This is all so disrespectful and he knows you put up with it cause he keeps doing it. Time for you to do a hard 180 on him and withdraw from him. Just do things for yourself and your kid. Do not engage with him, plan to go our alone, join club, friends etc. Leave him to his devices. Stop doing things for him also. If he only shows up at meal times, stop cooking for him and tell him that you are not his maid., you thought you were his wife, but obviously he has no time nor respect for you, so you are not going to bother being there for him either.
> Are you working? If you are doing even less, no laundry, no nothing.
> 
> If he doesn't wake up to the damage he is causing you may want to consider leaving him.


😭😭I am in a bad situation, 13 years ago, I left my job and family abroad and moved to his country 
I don't have a job (very difficult to find one here and even if I do it won't be enough for me to take care of myself)
I don't have any friends or family here, if I leave I would sleep in the car


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## sissi (Jul 6, 2020)

my self-esteem is down the hill, I feel so bad, I've been crying for a month and can't stop


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Are you able to speak the language of your adopted country? Surely there is an expatriate organisation in your city? You need to contact them. You can find out from your local embassy, they would have the contacts of your fellow countrymen's clubs, organisations, etc.
If you have been living there for 13 years to be with him, I am surprised you have not made any friends there. I left my country 25 years ago and moved to many places but made good friends there. You cannot be so dependent on him for everything, you need to start doing things for yourself. If you have friends, establish a network then you can eventually work (even if part time). You sound co-dependent on him, that is half of your problem. If you can start to change this, then things can change for you. Work on yourself first before worrying about your husband and his activities. Learn the language, find an expat organisation, join local club, get out and establish a life first.

I know you feel bad about yourself, but only you can change yourself. Not wanting to knock you down but such a level of dependency on your spouse is very unattractive to your spouse. He cannot be the only person you have to lean on, that is creates more issues and co-dependency. Read online about co-dependency.


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## sissi (Jul 6, 2020)

aine said:


> Are you able to speak the language of your adopted country? Surely there is an expatriate organisation in your city? You need to contact them. You can find out from your local embassy, they would have the contacts of your fellow countrymen's clubs, organisations, etc.
> If you have been living there for 13 years to be with him, I am surprised you have not made any friends there. I left my country 25 years ago and moved to many places but made good friends there. You cannot be so dependent on him for everything, you need to start doing things for yourself. If you have friends, establish a network then you can eventually work (even if part time). You sound co-dependent on him, that is half of your problem. If you can start to change this, then things can change for you. Work on yourself first before worrying about your husband and his activities. Learn the language, find an expat organisation, join local club, get out and establish a life first.
> 
> I know you feel bad about yourself, but only you can change yourself. Not wanting to knock you down but such a level of dependency on your spouse is very unattractive to your spouse. He cannot be the only person you have to lean on, that is creates more issues and co-dependency. Read online about co-dependency.


I speak fluently the language, no one can tell I am a foreigner, we live in a small village, no one from my community lives here


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to see a lawyer.


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## sissi (Jul 6, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> You need to see a lawyer.


You mean for divorce? or reconciliation?


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## AwfullyAngry (Jun 4, 2020)

sissi said:


> Hi
> My husband goes to the gym, where a porn star goes too, she is not that famous yet, so he didn’t know her even if he does watch porn, a friend told him about her, he came home and he told me about it, he even showed me one of her videos (his eyes were sparkling and he seemed very interested in her) I looked at him like suspected and he was like: no, are you crazy she is a **** bla bla.
> After 2 months I get a notification on Facebook that he became friend with a girl (the pic was a bit too sexy for being a coworker or an acquaintance)
> So I asked him and he was shocked (he didn’t thought I could find out)
> ...


I personally know someone who went through the same thing, No porn star involved but masturbating and sex with a silicon doll instead of sex with his wife, he was hiding the doll in his garage and would come home couple hours before his wife and kids to satisfy his desire by either masturbating or with the doll untill he got caught. his wife was devestated, rightfully so, and felt disrespected to her he prefered a silicone doll over her. they went to a marriage counseling where the therapist identify that he had so many insecurities and low selfesteam to a point where he believed he wasn't good enough to satisfy his wife. the sex with her had become too demanding on him mentally so he rather avoid it. he was refereed to a different therapist who specializes in sexuality. Eventially this friend was able to overcome his flaws and got back to his normal relationship with his wife and 9 years later they are still together. with that being said I know if your husband is having anything like my friend but it could be possible


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I just wanted to say that I am sorry he is being such a pig. I love that you are so totally on top of it all. You are ahead of the curve. 

He needs to change gyms and stop the porn.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sissi said:


> You mean for divorce? or reconciliation?


To discuss all your options, reconciliation or divorce.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

sissi said:


> my self-esteem is down the hill, I feel so bad, I've been crying for a month and can't stop


Why would you let him control this?

One of the biggest relationship lessons I ever learned was to not set my value of myself by another's actions.

That influence radius is poisonous... you will never see clearly while your mind is clouded by unmindful smoke of someone you call a partner.

How you are treated is not a statement of you, it is a statement of them... perhaps it's time to stop being a willing partner to it?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

sissi said:


> that what I told him, if I was in him I wouldn't approach her at all, first because chances of sleeping with a random dude just for the pleasure are very low, then I would look like a creepy pervy jerkaholic
> we haven't done any counseling yet
> I talked to the girl, she understood me and said she wasn't interested in him and that all men are dumb lol (I showed him the message)
> we haven't done any counseling yet


Well that ought to put a damper on him. sorry I know it's not funny but dying laughing right now. I have to give you credit, you know how to get in there and get the truth out of him. He is living off this fantasy. Hopefully now that you've talked to her she will shut that down. Then you do need to do counseling because he needs to understand how disrespectful all this is to you. And he's got a real problem calling these women names and at the same time craving have sex with them. So yeah counseling is in order.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

i am 


sissi said:


> I speak fluently the language, no one can tell I am a foreigner, we live in a small village, no one from my community lives here


@sissi I am more concerned about your self-esteem and isolation living in a small village. Have the local community treated you well? Is there no woman's group, local town council, etc that you could join and participate in to establish something for yourself? What about volunteer work? I believe that when you build your self-esteem you will be able to set better boundaries with your H and be much more attractive to him too. Then you will begin to see what you are worth and make the right decisions for yourself and child.


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