# Is it working?



## spindler.frogster (Jan 30, 2010)

Therapy started six weeks ago, triggered by a series of unfortunate decisions but actually for some long established and deep seated communication issues. Last January I got married and today, our first anniversary of all days, I decided to start a blog/journal/diary. The reason being that I've been suffering a low for the past year and thought this might help quicken my trundle through it. Or at least gain a different perspective on the matter.

I'll start with how I met my wife, middle with my spiral in to debt, and will finish with why I've ended up in therapy and very few friends to speak of. You may think here that I'm fishing for pity or wallowing in self of it. That's utterly untrue, this is merely a snapshot of my little life that I'd like to immortalise here in bloggerty world.

As a person who has (as far back as I can remember) always struggled to make conversation and thus forge friendships, I turned to the world of online chatting and dating. After a long string of failed dates around five years ago, I found my then future wife (Moroccan and living there) on probably the only site I had joined with no intention of finding a date - Meet women or men, rate singles at HOT or NOT!. Its main use being: you upload photo, other users rate your looks out of ten, the end. But in my case not the end...

After a few harmless message exchanges we started phone calls. Boring but relevant aside: I ran up a fair few fat mobile bills as a result. Anyway, we communicated on and off throughout 2006 and 2007, including my threatening but failing to visit her twice. All the while I was regularly sending money to her with the understanding it was to help with bills and her family. Eventually I mustered up the courage to meet her in January 08.

In all honesty, I can't remember much of how I felt on my first visit but in short she showed me around a bit and there was some intimacy in private which I later found out was not enjoyed. Calls/chats continued and I visited again in July. On my return I started having doubts and called things off and looking back now I should have left it at that.

Then I felt as though I would never find anyone given my previous poor history with women and dating. So once again I convinced myself that she was the one. Having tied the knot in Jan 09, she eventually moved over to the UK in July and it's at this point that the nightmare really began.

She's a plain difficult person to live with. Her health isn't great but she doesn't seek medical help for it, doesn't get on with the family - she tends to separate herself and causes tension, always seems to be playing the victim. She would shout at me several times a week, some times hurling breakables at the floor and was often physically in my face with aggressive body language. This all happened during the first six months of her being here, after which she took a month's break in Nov/Dec 09 to see her family. Having reached rock bottom I sought therapy and it's around that time that things began to change.

Although I'd always thought I was being mistreated, it was only now that I started to defend myself and put my foot down. You see I'd been struggling financially having to pay for the both of us and even sending money back to her family. Worse still, she was running up big mobile bills on top of not finding a job to help out. So it all stopped - no more supporting her family, international calls blocked, no more central heating on all day. And several other bits and pieces. And rather than take her shouting I answered back whilst pointing out that it had to stop.

So things have calmed down over the past month or so, however I don't feel close to her, with little chat and no hugging, snuggling, kissing or any kind of physical closeness. Come to think of it there never really has been which I guess is a warning sign in itself. Thankfully she has found a job working 4 nights with 4 days off. What with me having a 9 to 5, we're not seeing eachother nearly as much - which could indeed be the reason why things have calmed down. But I believe that my putting down of the foot was also a factor.

As it stands, I feel I'm just at the beginning of an up curve in my graph of happiness. A strangle hold has been applied to my debt which is finally being paid off (about 1000 over the last 6 weeks). As to the state of our marriage, I honestly don't know what the next step is for us but I'm beginning to realise that we're just not right for one another. I'm giving it a few more months so see how it goes but honestly neither of us is going to change - at least not to any great degree - so it may be a pointless exercise.

To anyone who has got this far, please leave your comments. I'd really like to hear other points of view and experiences - similar or otherwise.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Seems like its working to me.
Kudos on getting into and sticking with the counseling.

Seems like things are becoming clearer. Keep Going.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I'm not convinced she really has any interest in you. You would seem to have been as a tool to get her out of her country and into yours. My hunch is she will bail on you as soon as she can get citizenship and not be deported. You are simply being used as a cash cow as much as she can get her hands on apparently.

Never send foreign chicks money when you've never met them in person. That's just silly - and I know you agree to that now.


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## spindler.frogster (Jan 30, 2010)

Thanks for the comments so far... 

The very same comment about being used as a ticket to the uk has been made by members of my family. Also suggesting that when her right to residency is granted chieved she'll be out.

I do agree with you on your point about sending money, it was a silly move born out of my own desperation.

The part that gets me is when I did eventually put my foot down and cut off her access to the money she was abusing and mentioned the possibility of separation, she's all smiles and easy going. Not the reaction i was expecting to be honest. 

Considering how angry she was with me for most of the time, this sudden change makes no sense. Plus how can I ever be sure that she won't become emotionally abusive again in future?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

spindler.frogster said:


> The part that gets me is when I did eventually put my foot down and cut off her access to the money she was abusing and mentioned the possibility of separation, she's all smiles and easy going. Not the reaction i was expecting to be honest.
> 
> Considering how angry she was with me for most of the time, this sudden change makes no sense. Plus how can I ever be sure that she won't become emotionally abusive again in future?


Because you are being played by her 24/7. Her interest is in taking you for every penny she can get, and it looked like you were about to dump her out of your life / house / country. So she immediately changed tack and sought to keep you happy. Her mark was about to get away, so here comes the nice nice.

She probably straight up hates your guts. The anger deal earlier was to avoid sex with you most likely. This is a bad situation all round. If you end this relationship, will you be physically safe from her? I would be careful about how you go about getting rid of her.

I know you know this was all a horrible mistake. I'd check with a lawyer very quietly about your options sooner rather than later. I don't mean to sound so harsh, but I am kinda worried about all this to be honest. :-/


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## spindler.frogster (Jan 30, 2010)

This is a very tricky situation and I believe she may well hate me. Thing is, she was open to separating when I raised my concerns. In fact she suggested me finding a girl friend which at the time I found to be an extremely strange comment to make. My response to that was that there's no way I'd go trawling for a gf whilst being married. And that even the thought of doing so would mean the marriage was as good as over.

She's commented on how I didn't call while she was away for the month or say that I missed her. But that's really because things had gone so badly. To be honest at the time I was relieved which is not good.

Even if she's not using me, my thoughts at the moment are that we're simply too different. She thinks there's all these changes I need to make and that only she's made the effort to change. But first of all, you are who you are. Yes one can change but not in to a different person. Secondly she hasn't really made any changes other than to reduce her temper tantrums which shouldn't be happening at her age anyway.

I just get the feeling she's put on a mask since the turning point. She may just be trying to save the marriage, but even if she is, I can't be confident that the verbal/emotional abuse won't start again. It's difficult to tell.

I guess moral of the story is simple - co-habit before marriage or at the very least spend a lot of time together. I was hoping to make this work but it appears both of us jumped in way too blind.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

spindler.frogster said:


> This is a very tricky situation and I believe she may well hate me. Thing is, she was open to separating when I raised my concerns. In fact she suggested me finding a girl friend which at the time I found to be an extremely strange comment to make. My response to that was that there's no way I'd go trawling for a gf whilst being married. And that even the thought of doing so would mean the marriage was as good as over.


Translation: Please have sex with someone else, not me. She has no real interest in you.




spindler.frogster said:


> I guess moral of the story is simple - co-habit before marriage or at the very least spend a lot of time together. I was hoping to make this work but it appears both of us jumped in way too blind.


Your relationship has been abusive from the start. You've been sending her money for years. Her goal is money and residence in your country. I wouldn't rule out that she has her actual real love interest back in her old country.


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## spindler.frogster (Jan 30, 2010)

On the other hand she has been saying she's happy if I'm happy and even suggests separation if it's going to help. Also, surely if she was plotting to jump ship after getting residency, wouldn't she at least be feigning happiness? 

Since I started therapy, usually when i get home after the session we'll have a frank talk about our issues and although we address negative issues, it does feel like a step in the right direction.

I actually want this to work but it's difficult and my family being against it is only making it harder.

My instinct is to trust her but it's also possible that too much damage has already been done. Which is why I'm now giving it some time before making a decision.

On the physical side, she's not enjoying it - even the kissing which i'm doing wrong apparently. Because of the troubles i've suffered from erectile dysfunction and there's no way of telling when it'll happen. When it does it just puts a further strain on the relationship. So it's something we also really need to address in this transitional phase. However that said, the sex therapist I consulted a couple of months back advised that the relationship should be strong before undergoing sex therapy for it to work properly. Which stands to reason I think.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire - two copies. Both of you fill it out, for what you don't like that the other does. Vow to stop all LBs that you do that she doesn't like. Hopefully, she will reciprocate. But you can't make her.

After you've changed those habits for a few months, print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire for both of you. Find out what her top ENs are, and make sure you are meeting them. Ask her to do the same. 

If you have a real marriage, these steps will improve it.


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## spindler.frogster (Jan 30, 2010)

Thank you for the tip, I'll certainly try it out - what do we have to lose? Hopefully this will take things forward.


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