# married to korean for 32 years



## rj8645

discussing deep relationship issues in a loving way is soooo vital for its success! and over the 32 years of our marriage ive come to realize that its impossible to do with someone that interprets what your saying through their cultural and personal background thats soo different than yours, and its left nothing but an empty place where that feeling of closeness should be. As time has gone by and we've grown into midlife this feeling of emptiness has become very acute for both of us. And the strange thing is our love is just as strong now as ever? But then there's that nagging emptiness where you know should be filled with SOMETHING! and you know its impossible to talk about. It would be nice to find out if anyone here has had a similar experience, any advice would be appreciated. Please no advice if you haven't been in a multicultural marriage, what works in a same culture marriage doesn't work, believe me ive tried EVERYTHING over the years.


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## Coffee Amore

Among the active posters on TAM, there are several American men here married to Korean women. Hopefully your thread title catches their eye.


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## kitty2013

rj8645 said:


> discussing deep relationship issues in a loving way is soooo vital for its success! and over the 32 years of our marriage ive come to realize that its impossible to do with someone that interprets what your saying through their cultural and personal background thats soo different than yours, and its left nothing but an empty place where that feeling of closeness should be. As time has gone by and we've grown into midlife this feeling of emptiness has become very acute for both of us. And the strange thing is our love is just as strong now as ever? But then there's that nagging emptiness where you know should be filled with SOMETHING! and you know its impossible to talk about. It would be nice to find out if anyone here has had a similar experience, any advice would be appreciated. Please no advice if you haven't been in a multicultural marriage, what works in a same culture marriage doesn't work, *believe me ive tried EVERYTHING over the years*.


Do you speak Korean?


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## shy_guy

I've been married to a Korean lady for 29 years now, so I'm guessing we're in similar stages of life. I'm like you in that I love my wife more than ever, don't want anybody else, and really just enjoy making her happy.

My questions would be more about how you and she have accultured to each other's culture. I'm guessing that the 32 years you've been together is more than half of your lives you've spent together (as 29 is more than half of my wife's and my lives), so it makes sense that there is a LOT of the other's culture in each of you at this point. When we were first married, I honestly had the idea that she would move into my culture, acclimate to my culture, and just become American. I never dreamed how much I would change culturally as a result of her. I think adjusting to her culture, even when living in the US, helped me a great deal with her. 

Of our 29 years, we've lived in Korea for 4 1/2, in the US for about 22, and a couple of other countries short time for the remaining time. We have recently moved back to Korea where I'm super happy, although we both miss having our married daughters as close ... but that will work out as we can visit as often as ever, and our daughters love the idea of coming back to Korea to visit us. 

Communication, I think, has always been a bigger challenge for us than it is for people from the same language/culture. Before we were married, she was my Korean teacher and i was her English teacher (an arrangement that wasn't terribly successful, although I'll never complain about it as it resulted in us getting married - the best thing that's ever happened to me). Now, I speak, read, and write Korean, and she speaks, reads, and writes English. However; it is never as easy to communicate in your second language as it is in your first, and that has resulted both in humorous moments, and frustrating moments through the years. Culture is the other big challenge in communicating. Personally, I've grown to love the Korean culture, and have learned more about how my wife hears things that I say - that cultural filter will always be there to some extent. I think she's learned a lot more about me culturally, but still, I think we sometimes hear things in the context of our culture and not in the culture of origin. The cultural openness is a must from both of us I think.

I think we communicate well, but still, I think it takes more effort for us to communicate than it does for a lot of couples ... even with our own version of Konglish, and with the ability for each of us to speak in our own language and be understood verbally by the other. It's just more effort, and it requires patience. 

We're to the stage in life that neither of us thinks the other is perfect, but my wife builds me up in ways I've described in paragraphs in other threads, and she challenges me and keeps me sharp, including challenging me with work and keeping me sharp there. She's been the best mother I could ever imagine, although she did mother in a way different from how I was raised - when I relaxed, I could see how well it really worked. She's really my best friend, and my best buddy as all of the activities I like to do, I first think about wanting to include her in it, and she enjoys doing them, too. Maybe that's developed because we moved so much ... and it probably was most strained when we lived close to my family. It's how it has been for a while for us, though.

How do I summarize what I'm trying to say? I can't think of what more I would want than what I got in the lady I'm married to. It has additional challenges I'm sure, but it's taken my life in a direction I never dreamed, too, so that we both sometimes express (especially when seeing our HS friends on facebook or in person) how different our lives are because we married each other. There may have been some elements that would be different and easier if I married one of those people I knew in HS or my first trip to college, but looking at my life overall, I'm VERY happy, and that lady is a big part of it. We have our challenges, but I'll deal with those to have her. 

Does that make sense? Hopefully, it doesn't sound like I'm standing on a box and blowing smoke. I understand there really are different challenges when you have people from different cultures. Personally, I've been able to adjust, and love it, but I don't know how other people adjust and deal with it. I just can't imagine my life being any other way. I have better than what I dreamed I could - not perfect, but still, better than what I dreamed my life could be. I guess what I'm really point out is that I've changed culturally as much, or maybe more, than my wife has, and that is a big part of what has made us successful. I'm just asking if you've done that, too.

And now, she's going out to the market, and I love those markets here in Korea. Another cultural thing - tomorrow is Seol Nal (Lunar New Year) here in Korea, so today's the first day of the holiday, and there is a lot of preparation for tomorrow, and family. So ... I'm going out with my wife and her sister to the market.  Feel free to post, answer, challenge, and argue with me, but I may not be able to answer much the next couple of days. I will when I can, though.


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## Csquare

OP, can you be more specific about "deep relationship issues" that has left you with an "empty place"? Does your W not speak English fluently? Are you in a marriage with someone with whom you don't share a common language?

I was raised in a traditional Chinese family in the states, and my H is an all American, baseball-playing, almost Eagle Scout. Language is not a barrier for us. And, I never thought our cultural differences were an issue until we had a crisis with our daughter's illness. 

That's what brought me to TAM, actually. She dropped out of college with excruciating joint pain, auto-immune rheumatoid arthritis. She did a quick google search of the meds that doctors wanted to prescribe and learned that they wreck the immune system, are carcinogenic, and cause organ failure for many people. Did not want to go that route.

My h is a scientist and has faith in the western medicine paradigm. My Chinese family has never had much confidence in western meds and influenced my belief that there had to be a better solution than what the doctors ordered. This was a huge source of conflict for H and me as I sought -and found - a diet that heals inflammation (weston price). 

It was a very slow healing process, and my h was in a panic the entire 2-3 years it took for DD to get out of pain. We could not talk at all about strategy. He would not read any peer-reviewed papers that I found that supported the diet. He thought I was arrogant and delusional for thinking I could be smarter than mayo clinic doctors, and I thought he was brain-washed by big Pharma propaganda.

Two world views that were clashing and added to the already overwhelming stress of trying to help our DD. Now that she is better, we are still trying to regain our equilibrium.

Maybe whatever you are struggling with your W, you will just have to weather as one of life's inevitable storms. The cultural differences may drive a wedge, but may also offer a fresh perspective at times.


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## Bobby5000

I can understand your husband because it makes sense to utilize medicine that has been proven through clinical trials and evaluation than unproven sometimes self-interested material. 
That said, if you had peer-reviewed studies, then it should have reviewed those with you. Frequently people become confused with two things; good diet may help prevent the disease but that does not mean it can reverse it. 




It was a very slow healing process, and my h was in a panic the entire 2-3 years it took for DD to get out of pain. We could not talk at all about strategy. He would not read any peer-reviewed papers that I found that supported the diet.


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## LongWalk

My father and mother come from very different cultures: Asian and Celtic. They made their marriage work but for sure there was permanent state of miscommunication due to values that were irreconcilable. My mother was raised eating British food. For her bread, cheese and salad were wonderful. She could eat them every night for dinner. My father wanted rice and stir fried spicy food. This was never really fixed. 

When I was child my father would get up angrily from the dinner table to make soya sauce eggs, fried eggs with a splash of soya sauce, in fact no one in China eats such eggs, but that particular taste was an emotional comfort to him. My mother liked eating Chinese food but she refused to learn how to cook it. Why should she since my father disliked her European cooking. And so this conflict went on and goes on.

My mother will throw to toufu in a water and that will be Dad's Chinese meal.

My mother believes her country, which is still ruled by the English, is the greatest on the planet. And my father believes that everyone should worship China. They are both fanatical in their nationalism at some level.


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## LongWalk

Csquare,

Western medicine is often bad, especially when the insurance schemes dictate the physician's approach.

My Chinese grandmother and a lot my Chinese relatives believe in traditional Chinese medicine.


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## Roselyn

I am Filipino-American and my husband of Anglo-American descent. We met while in college and have been married for ongoing 35 years. Our marriage is strong and our communication is great. However, what my husband says sometimes need further explanation. At times, I may interpret what he says in a different manner than what he intends.

In a multi-cultural marriage, one definitely needs to accept what the other's cultural orientation is about. For example, my husband's preference would definitely be steak, macaroni & cheese, and a green salad. My ideal food choice would be some stir fried dish and rice. We compromise with food choices. Whoever cooks, gets their way.

My husband is a quiet one, so I'm the one who brings different subjects into the table whether it be politics, student behaviors in class, work issues, even subject matter here in TAM. It is very important that you have something to talk about, especially in a long term marriage to keep your days interesting.

Also, my husband prefers feminine looking women with shoulder length to long hair. I keep my hair somewhere in between, keeping in mind a dignified appearance as I am 57 years of age and not 18 years when he met me. He still calls me "pretty girl", although I believe that "pretty is what pretty does". I do mind my appearance.

In any marriage, a give and take situation is always the best route for harmony. I'm more westernized than many of my counterparts so I can't speak for other women who are in a multi-cultural marriage.


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