# Decision Time



## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I have posted about this previously and now this situation has become a reality. My lease is up on my apartment in August and my fiancé and I are planning on moving in together. She is dead set on living in her childhood home (with her mother and a a roommate). While this might not seem normal my fiancé is wheelchair bound and has been promised many years ago that a particular addition to the house would be hers. This will entail widening two sets of doors (which can be done) and the movement of over 20+ years of items being hoarded away (book shelves, 4 beds, 3 dressers, clothes, boxes, in short room that has become 20x12 in home storage).

I started last week attempting to clean the room with no avail as her mother and sister (my fiancé’s mother and sister are her paid caretakers) complained about the way in which I was moving things. This was unbeknownst to me as I was told we could move and pack anything and all her mother wanted was a paper she wrote and her books (from 20 years ago) put away in tubs. Now her mother (who if it isn’t clear has a bit of hoarding problem) wants to help “clean” and go through her things that haven’t been touched in over 20 years. Her mother promised their church pastor (who is helping to widen the doors for the room) that this particular room will be cleaned in 2 weeks and I have seen no cleaning done since I attempted to do. 

Living with my fiancé in her moms house would be a great thing I just see problems arising already. I know I should be more optimistic but my fiancé isn’t the best when it comes to being assertive and it is in no way my place to do that when it comes to her family. My fiancé believes that moving into this back room will bring her a new form of peace and freedom but I don’t see it.

I already see her mom and sister are somewhat controlling of her and they both treat her like a child. I see how her mother and sister are all in her business and she has little to no privacy. My fiancé has asked to be in this section of the house before and they’ve blown off cleaning this room for almost 8 years. Me putting up money to help pay rent and bills at their home has somewhat changed her mothers mind but I still see no action. I see the way (and have heard with my own ears) my fiancé’s mother get upset about people cleaning and doing certain things and her mom isn’t the best with follow through.

Case and point last December my fiancé and I had a taste of this when we attempted to clean and organize the 9x11 room she is in now. She had asked for help cleaning this room to make it more accessible for her and my fiancé was met with excuses upon excuses for years. After we cleaned this led to her mother and sister complaining and literally telling her “she didn’t have permission to move things”. Her mother and sister said they were upset because they felt “they weren’t needed” and her mother and sister still complain to this day about us cleaning my fiancé’s room. 

I’ve expressed to her that peace and freedom will be its own process because she hasn’t created that yet. Moving into another room isn’t going to magically give her those things and moving me into that situation (having been on my own 10+ years) isn’t a good mix. To me it’s a ticking time bomb and communication (which is not happening in her mothers part and who has issues with expressing herself too) will be vital. 

So while I want to see my fiancé be happy I see this as us just moving into another room and carrying the same family issues in there. I’ve tried every possible way to talk to her about this but she won’t budge and at this point I have removed myself from helping unless it’s clear in what I can and cannot do to this room she wants which she agrees with. With that I truly don’t think anything is going to be done or that me will tick and I have to ultimately find a place without her. 

She’s telling me she’s giving her mom these 2 weeks to go through things and if her mother doesn’t do it (which timelines haven’t worked before and are met with excuses) my fiancé is just gonna back stuff up and move it into storage. To me that’s a horrible way to start us moving in together. 

I just want to know from you guys is there something here that I don’t see? Is there a sliver of optimism that I am missing?Because my intuition is telling me to let her fight this battle and for me to maintain another living place month to month she can come to whenever she wants until her room is complete which is utterly ridiculous.

Thanks for your replies and if there are questions please ask and I’ll respond! I’ll take all criticism as well! 

Thanks!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Don't move in. Stay where you are. This is going to be a problem. If your fiance is dead set on this arrangement, it's time for you to move along. This is going to be nightmare for you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lawrencebe said:


> So while I want to see my fiancé be happy I see this as us just moving into another room and carrying the same family issues in there. I’ve tried every possible way to talk to her about this but she won’t budge and at this point I have removed myself from helping unless it’s clear in what I can and cannot do to this room she wants which she agrees with. With that I truly don’t think anything is going to be done or that me will tick and I have to ultimately find a place without her.


With ^^THIS^^ you have solved your dilemma. The dynamic is firmly set in your fiancé's family. They will change only if they want to change. And it doesn't appear that will happen. Ever.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Yes you two are both very right your assessments. I’ve been beating my brain about this but the lines have been drawn and I can’t talk her out of this. She’s the kind of person that needs to see things unfold on her own and this is the perfect opportunity for her to again see reality and wake up. Even if all of this were to happen, like I’ve told her and her brother has as well, I will still be considered a guest in that home and it will never truly be OUR space. So she can have that fight on her own. She’s like this with everything and it’s time for her to start fighting her own battles. A year of this is enough and I’m tired of talking, reasoning and everything else for her to do what she wants in the end anyway. It’s sink or swim time for her and if she can’t see past her own narrow mindedness then I can’t change her. What I can do is change and if we stay engaged for the next 20 years then so be it. I’m not moving into that house without boundaries, respect and the proper arrangements discussed and agreed upon for my own sanity. She’s worried about moving out because of some past issues with others, not currently working, trying to become a teacher and finishing school, not having a way to get around, and whatever else excuse she can make. That’s a fight and struggle I’d rather have than fighting family over dumb stuff like where’d a box go that no one has been in for probably 30 years. I don’t even wanna pay for a storage to help fuel that hoarding either. 

Sorry for the rant but guys


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sorry, but I can't see the upside for you in moving into her childhood home, more especially with what it is that you're going to have be putting up with!

The way I look at it, you're going to be hounded by them even if you find your own place to live together

I'd heartily recommend you reevaluating this relationship!!*


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Right! And again I’ve told her time after time that moving into this room isn’t going to change her relationship with people. At least if we move out you can dictate who comes over and who doesn’t. But again that mindset can’t work if shes living in the same house where people show her little to no respect anyway. It’s futile because you can’t change people and she definitely can’t change her mother. Regardless of what she says that’s her moms house and there’s no way you’re gonna run your mother in her house it’s just not possible. Her mother even said about me moving in “well I’m not gonna walk on egg shells” and she’s right! I’m doing my best to get her to see that her family is waaaay to controlling but if she refuses to see that then this is my way out before things get worse.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I told her we need to take the next few days to re-evaluate this situation and this relationship. Because the way I see it if those doors get widened on that room and her mom and sister help in that effort, she will never get any respect, peace, independence or freedom—it will get worse. So if she’s all in on that then I gotta go and let her see this. 

Thanks for the courage guys! I really needed this!


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

What a piece of work her mother is. She has a disabled daughter and she cares more about boxes that haven’t been opened in 30 years. She should be so happy that her daughter has found a great fiancé too, yet she treats you terribly. The family dynamics are very dysfunctional and it seems your fiancé has her “role” as possibly the scapegoat or black sheep of the family. Her moving back in with them will bring them all right back into their respective roles and cement those roles forever, which would be taking a huge step back. I’m glad you’ve identified this and setting some boundaries. I think you’ve made a really healthy decision for the short term.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I’ve told her that exact thing many months ago. She is the Cinderella in her family but for some reason she doesn’t wanna see it. She’s more worried about losing her family then seeing the reality of what’s going on.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lawrencebe said:


> She’s more worried about losing her family then seeing the reality of what’s going on.


Sadly, this is the reality she chooses to embrace. I can hear your frustration in your posts. You deserve to live with your partner in a healthy environment. What you are seeing is far from that.

As hard as it will be, I think it would be best for you to find your own place to live.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> I’ve told her that exact thing many months ago. She is the Cinderella in her family but for some reason she doesn’t wanna see it. She’s more worried about losing her family then seeing the reality of what’s going on.


And you sir, will be the "Cinderfella" if you were to move into that environment. 


My former roommate was a hoarder. Things are more important than people, they are wired that way. If you moved in, you would then be an additional "caretaker of the hoard" and be expected to accept the clutter, not touch the clutter, and treat all of the clutter as if they were "treasures". You and your fiancée could not possibly have any freedom in that home. Think about that. Until your fiancée sees the problem and has the courage to move somewhere else with you, then you really do need to get your own place. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's going to do what she wants to do. Better not to allow yourself to get in the middle of that.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Just an update:


Today I finally broke it off with my fiancé. I think she has some mental issues that need to be worked out and me being in her life is a distraction. I truly can’t (this may sound selfish) be with someone who allows people to use them. What I haven’t mentioned before is that my ex’s mom and sister were getting close to $3,000/m to care for her and she doesn’t see they are using her—her whole family does. That’s a stronghold that I can’t break and she said today that she needs to be humble and patient because that’s what God is telling her. That she needs to be still and let God work. The problem is she’s TOO HUMBLE AND PATIENT and years later this is what has happened. She was warned years ago (before we met) about hiring her family as her caretakers and she didn’t listen then. I’ve tried to help her see different and show her different but she doesn’t listen. Her life is based around so much fear and pride that me being around hasn’t done nothing but validate that. 

I truly hate that I had to walk away and I hope somehow she’s better in the future. I will miss everything we shared because she’s truly a wonderful, kind hearted, beautiful woman but I can’t keep being there seeing, watching and even hear her complain but she doesn’t wanna change.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Wise move, must have taken courage. Family dysfunction (enmeshment) is quite a muddy slog. Stubbornness would have ruled your roost. Thanks for update.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Very sorry that you had to do that -- it's gotta break your heart, but people have to make their own decisions. If she isn't going to take control of her life, there's no reason for you to give HER FAMILY control of yours.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Thanks and yes both of you are correct. I guess the feelings inside of me are saying she needs help so don’t go. But if stubborness rules her and she won’t take control of her circumstances then we could never coexist. Plus allowing her family to rule over us was a receipe for disaster. She has to want and believe that her life can be different and that takes extreme courage that no one but her can muster up. She takes that kind of motivation from others as them attacking her or belittling her and that’s not the case. Sometimes the truth hurts and sugar coating things doesn’t paint the right picture. I think she just wanted someone to be there to listen and to accept her situation as normal because that’s her normal. But it’s too hard for me to care and accept her normal because I know it’s unhealthy. Being around dysfunction, bullying, toxic people isn’t normal and I tried to show her that in so many ways. It just sucks cause I feel like I wasted time and energy but it’s was an eye opener for me. I truly need to see how people use others and how I almost got sucked into that vicariously through her crying to me. She wants people to change for her to fit her comfort rather than breaking out of hers. It’s a sick cycle and struggle that I’m gladness I saw.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You can't change other people.

You can't make her love you more than she loves her dysfunctional family's dysfunctionality.

A sad and bitter lesson to be sure but apparently one that you have now learned.

Good on you.

Now put that, and her, into your past and go forward. Your real and rewarding future beckons.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

P.S. For inspiration look at my avatar.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lawrencebe said:


> *20+ years of items being hoarded away (book shelves, 4 beds, 3 dressers, clothes, boxes, in short room that has become 20x12 in home storage).*


If your future mother-in-law is a hoarder... you are better off moving somewhere else. 

Otherwise you will spend years trying to console your wife as to why her mom finds "things" more important than her own daughter. The only way to protect her from that is to put distance.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Roselyn said:


> Don't move in. Stay where you are. This is going to be a problem. If your fiance is dead set on this arrangement, it's time for you to move along. This is going to be nightmare for you.


And with how the OP described how the family treats his fiancé, I think it's also going to be a nightmare for her as well. 

Personally, I would tell your fiancé that you respect her decision to live in her childhood home, but that you cannot fathom living there yourself. Outline the problems that you see in a calm manner, don't lay blame anywhere or pick her family apart. Tell her that you would like to live with her, but in your own space, away from her family. If she still sticks to what she wants, that's okay, but stick to your own guns. If this would be a deal breaker for you though, you might want to let her know that; that's only fair.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

lawrencebe said:


> I’ve told her that exact thing many months ago. She is the Cinderella in her family but for some reason she doesn’t wanna see it. She’s more worried about losing her family then seeing the reality of what’s going on.


Hey @lawrencebe, for what it's worth, I understand her way of thinking. Her family has probably always treated her this way, and it's what she's used to. She's gotten used to being in a constant state of trying to please them, of trying to be the BEST daughter she can be, of trying to keep those around her happy so the **** does't hit the fan and fall on her (again, probably). I understand this because this is what I live, too. 

For years, my family treated me like I was a piece of garbage. I got belittled, blamed for everything that went wrong (or that's what it seemed like, anyways). I was harassed, called names, made fun of, laughed at, and if I stood up for myself, they would just laugh harder. For some reason, I guess they found my pain pretty hilarious. I stopped standing up for myself because it did no good, and boy did I get walked on, for years. They still do occasionally now. The difference now? I'm 40, a homeowner, and I'm done with taking their ****. I will listen to whatever they say, smile and nod, and then go live my life. If I make decisions that they don't agree with, that's okay. You know why? My life is my life and it's not my job to keep them happy. Their happiness is the job of each of them. It took awhile to grow my balls (I'm a woman, by the way), and sometimes they still walk all over me, but I never, EVER let them treat me like that in my own home. 

Someday, your fiancé will also realize how she's treated, get really tired of being treated that way, and grow her own set of balls. Or not; it really does depend on the person. I get where she is though, and I will keep my fingers crossed for both of you guys that she will see the light very soon!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that you have made the right decision.Unless she is prepared to make a home with you, and maybe hire someone to care for her when you are at work,its hard to see how anything will change. If you moved in it would be almost unbearable. 
I am also not at all sure that God would want her to stay in such a dysfunctional situation when she can marry you and have a fresh start and independence, so what she says she is hearing may not be the truth. 

Hopefully you ending it may make her think seriously about the future, but you did the right thing, you have more or less given her a choice, live with you as a married couple, or remain where she is.


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