# Please respond....



## Hopeandlove (Mar 26, 2012)

Hello everyone...

I just joined this site in an effort to reach out for help and perhaps not feel so alone. I am strongly considering leaving my marriage. Long story (as short as I can make it) - We met in Alcoholics Anonymous (both of us were new to recovery and not exactly the healthiest people at the time). We managed to stay together, stay sober and grew to enjoy being a part of the fellowship of recovery and principles of honesty and helping others. We moved in together and ended up having a (surprise!) baby 3 years into the relationship. She is the light and miracle of our lives - we married and I always had said I wanted 2 OR 3 kids but he said he could see no more than 2 kids. I said I could work with that. I always told him - even before we got married, that it was EXTREMELY important to me that our daughter have a sibling and I wanted at least one more child.

Well, fast forward a few years....after we got married he promptly stopped going to AA (did not drink - just no meetings/friends). He became more isolated, got hooked on websites having to do with doom and survival, and started saying he did not see us having another child. I kept at it telling him the reasons it would be great and he always gave me hope saying "I'm just scared - I know how important it is to you, I like the idea of trying for another and our girl having a sibling". I tried not to pressure, bringing it up once a year since I turned 35....then 36...then 37....We had a problem during that time when he had an online affair with some chick he met on his survival website. He even took my daughter and I camping with her and her husband under the guise of "meeting new friends". When I found out about this, I confronted him and told him if he wanted to save our marriage he would need to come to counseling and do some serious changing. We went to a few sessions which helped (he insists nothing happened with her - i do believe him), and started to move on. Although I had hoped he would go back to aa meetings, he did not and still stayed pretty isolated/dry. He did become more involved in our family life and we started the discussion of another child again. I said - look, I'm now 38, we don't have much time left- he said okay - let's do it.

So, I went off my anti-depressants(2 months of horrible withdrawals) started taking prenatals, told all my friends we were going to start trying....and BAM - he tells me he changed his mind....he wants to nix the idea and well, sorry. I am devastated. He now wants to focus on his new obsession - martial arts. I have slowly watched him become more and more selfish as time has gone on and I have played the role of supportive wife - taking an interest in all of his dreams and hobbies and the one thing I have always dreamed of and he has given me hope for has been taken away. Worse yet, I am now too old to even consider trying to start a family with someone new - I really wouldn't want to if we divorced...I would want to just focus on me and my daughter. I am so mad at him for giving me hope during the last of my child-bearing years and now he expects me to just take it? I am so fed up and have decided I need to get OUT. I am just scared and do not know what or how to do this. He has NO CLUE...he thinks I'll just get over it and move on. WE said when we got married we would make growing in sobriety our main priority and he just stopped as soon as the ring was on the finger. Am I being too selfish for saying "this is it"? I want to do what is best for our daughter who is now 6....I would be willing to work on things if he started working on himself again....


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Hopeandlove said:


> Am I being too selfish for saying "this is it"?


Absolutely not. If I were you in that situation I'd be saying the same thing.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello.
So I can see you are sick of his way of being with you and your family. I can see how he makes you feel and how instead you would like to feel. How can even see that this is it, you are ready for something else?
This is one possibility, what is the other? What do you want really from this situation? What is holding you back to take action?


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Is he the same age as you? 

My husband got into this phase of hanging out with the guys... he was completely ignoring he was even married... it could have been early mid life crisis? i can't tell you for sure.. but it does happen that some men get obsessed with certain things/hobbies and gets fixated on them for some time at the risk of abandoning life with their spouses...

If wht is happening in relation to his actions upset you, talk to him. Talking will give you a chance to convey your issue and for him to hear it out. 

Make the "talk" as light hearted as possible, not a judging type of conversation... it may well be that he isn't aware how his actions make you feel.

Men sometimes don't realize what we women feel unless it is laid out, drawn, and they are given a map to find the solution... a little nudge might help ! Good luck!


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## Kaykris (Mar 26, 2012)

Wow.... I feel for you, you're here desperately trying to save your marriage and he's doing his own thing, probably could care less.

By him bringing you to camping with a woman he had a affair with, that is just plain disrespect. His actions in my eyes and what I value are inexcusable, I would leave and take half his earnings with me. lol.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He may or may not feel invested in the marriage.... but not the way you want him to be. Maybe you HAVE to leave, stand on your own, make a good life for you and your daughter.... and then, he may or may not wake up and come back. And ...by then, you may not want him to come back. 

The way I see it.... you can continue on as you are, and get nowhere. Or... you make changes that benefit you and your daughter. You can't change him, you can only do what you can do...and sometimes we have to do it in SPITE of them. Continue with AA, it will keep you strong, think "Serenity Prayer".


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## Hopeandlove (Mar 26, 2012)

So I talked to him and he is not going to budge - says he was saying he would have another kid to make me happy. I guess the question is where do I go from here?


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

What would be some responses to that question ( where do I go from here)?


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

From what I can see, you have three issues to contend with. 

He said he wanted no more than two kids. I'm assuming after your daughter was born,he felt one was good. It doesn't matter what he "promised",the fact remains he changed his mind. Sounds like he's trying to encourage at times to appease your need-except his feelings on the matter do end up presenting themselves at some point(I'm sorry you are dealing with a wishy washy!).Can you find an alternative? Volunteer your time with children(being a big sister, coaching sports etc),instead of adding more to your family? It sounds like you're biologically feeling desperate in your need-you're 100% justified in wanting more-but the question you're wondering,is one only you can answer. Are you willing to walk away from your partner to obtain that goal? What if it takes 5-10 years to find that other partner who wants more children...what if you go through early menopause in the process of your divorce...


He cheated on you emotionally,and in essence flaunted it in front of not only you and your child,but the other women's family as well. NOT even just a little bit okay by ANYONE'S standards. Has he given you an honest answer to the why and repented? Can you forgive him?

He loves his personal hobbies. That's not a bad thing. The question is,do you have personal hobbies(other than having more kids)? Are you taking time out for you,whether it's going to the movies with a girl friend,or going for long walks? He's not being selfish having hobbies UNLESS it's taking away from a lot of family time and your hobbies that are equally as important.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Any marriage take two people to work together. One can't carry the load all by themself. Maybe I would first explain this to him and list the thing you were supportive on. Then tell him how it makes you feel to be left out of your dreams....


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