# so many sections this could have gone into !



## donnaduck (Mar 4, 2011)

*i think its worth saving, is it really over for him ?*

im going to try and keep this short, as there has been many issues that have built up to this,
husband left 2 weeks ago, saying he loved me but not in love with me anymore, normaly a very loving man, and he needed space, remain friends and see how it goes as he has built walls up, that he cant let down although he has been trying for the last few months 2 do so, but the smallest things brings them back up again !
heres the background, lost my dad to cancer last year, ive not wanted to except this, and have taken it out on H, without knowing i was, my son 14 has been in a bit of trouble, nothing major, but i didnt handle this in the way H thinks i should have done, my nieace 15 was having a relationship with a 37 yr old man ! and i kinda got so ingrossed in trying to stop this,( police couldnt do a thing about it ) that i couldnt see what was happening to my own marraige, H said he had tryed to stop our marraige getting to this but i just wouldnt listen ! 

H says he understands about dad, nieace etc, and can forgive me for this, but the main reason for his leaving is he feels me and my son, have no respect for him and have given him so many kicks , at the moment he cant forgive this, looking back i can see what he means and can see how my actions have lead to this somewhat, but i can also see how his ways have lead to this also, H was brought up by a father that ruled him with an iron rod, and he was made the example of, H is big on respect, i was a single mum for 8 yrs and have let my son get away with things at times just for the easy life, which most parents do at somepoint, son hasnt seen his real dad since he was 3, so has never, had any memories of having a dad at home, untill my H, came on the scene, it was all ok to begin with, but then small issues that i could see, along with the stress that was going on about dad and nieace, was turned into big issues with H, for example son got sent home from school, with a broken toe i advised him not to go out as it would only hurt more, sure enough next morning swollen black and could barely walk on it, i work and had i sent him to school and they rang to say, he needed picking up i wouldnt have been able to, so i told him to stay off school, told H he went to school, and was sent home, did this because i couldnt be doing with a lecture from H, H found out he didnt go ! he said this showed a lack of respect to him, and aslo showed son it was ok to lie to H, i can see what he said was right, a while back son was grounded by H, we was at hospital with dad, son text saying please can i go out for an hour, i said yes as didnt want to get into a text session whilst sitting with my dad, and also i felt guilt that at the time i was spending so much time with dad i felt i was neglecting son, but of course this yet again showed no respect to H, and he found out, my son is a typical 14 yr old with attitude, and always likes to have the last say ! dont they all ! but because H picks up on attitude, and gives it back, its just passed around from one to the other ! i knew i had to deal with sons attitude, and not cover his tracks, and let H take more responsibilty with son, but i also never wnated son to shout at H your not my dad ! with the issues ive had to deal with over the past three yrs with dad and nieace, ive only just felt ready to start putting my own house in order, but it seems its to late for H, since his been gone its opened my eyes and also sons eyes and we are making progress, with his attitude and behaviour, and its going well, have told H this and he says he needs to see this for himself, not just people saying things have changed, i have said to H , how can you see this for yourself if your not at home and sleeping on mates sofa ! i think H is plaining on finding somewhere else to live, he has said he needs time to bring down the walls, that me and son have built up, but i have said surely we all need to do this together, as we all built them up, he says he needs to do it on his own ! i have said i can see that me and son treated him badly and that i am sorry he says he knows we both are and can see how hurt we both are, but he just feels like we ahve knocked the stuffing out of him, i can do no more than i have, and im just at the point where im thinking, that the longer this goes on im going to resent H for not beong at home and trying to sort things out, i really do want him home, but also understand that if he came straight home this maybe wouldnt work, id like to think he would stay at mates and stay here, sometimes, i do not want him to get his own place because to me that just seems so final ! H has also said that he wants to remove all his stuff from house, sheds etc, and that he needs to do this to feel he has made a clean break, and can work on bringing his walls down, but when is enough enough, he could bring his walls down and still decide he doesnt want to come back, and i will have just been sitting there for maybe months, putting my life on hold hoping we could work this out, one thing my dads illness taught me is lifes to short, you have to live it, i love my husband will all my heart and more, and want our marriage to work, i understand i ahve pushed him away, and am truly sorry for this, and would do anything to have him back, but i just feel the longer this goes on the harder, it will be to also forgive him for not sticking around to work things out, when we could both see things needed sorting, its no good trying to sort things when only one of you can see the problems, and except there is problems, which is what he was trying when he was here, but i coulndt see at the time, but can know. 
any thought or advise would be really helpfull thanks.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

Maybe start in small steps? It sounds like you're still talking, and I get the impression you'd both like it to work. Date him again - drop the pressure to come home and spend an evening with him, just the two of you. Separately, see if he and your son can spend an hour or two on some activity, even if it's just a lunch out on Saturday. If he sees something in that time together that he remembers from before, and feels like you're both on his side, then move up to activities as a group. In each case, see if you can make a step further, rather than trying to gauge how close you are to living together again. And good luck.


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## donnaduck (Mar 4, 2011)

thanks for your response, during the last month or so H was still here, i had been saying to him that we needed to spend time together, and also time as a family , i also said that i felt that if he and my son spent time together alone, this would build on the relationships, and the respect etc would come from this, we did not spend time as a family very often, H works 4 days of 12 hour shifts with 2 days off, and gets a whole weekend off around every 6 weeks, therefore he and son didnt see that much of each other, we did have a chat all together, and son stayed in a to spend time with us, at least 4 times in 2 weeks, but H was tired and didnt make much effort, trouble is H cant let go when something has happened and he doesnt realise he holds on to this, and son picks up on it, so its just a circle !
another example of H and his respect is son wanted a dart board, H went to put it up in sons B room, i said i would like him to put something around and below dart board to protect walls, as there kids, H said its in a case they are old enough, to hit the board and not the walls !, sure enough theres lots of holes in the wall and even the coving ( my 10 yr old nephew ) , when H spotted the holes he wasnt happy with son, H sees this as no respect and neglect of sons room however i did tell son i will buy filler you will fill and repaint the walls, and its your responsibilty to ensure whoever plays darts doesnt do it again, i must admit before i maybe would have covered up for son over this.


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## donnaduck (Mar 4, 2011)

well spent about 4 hours with h today ! went to where he is staying, just general chit chat to begin with, talked about what i was sorting out with son, more chit chat laughs and smiles from both of us, then i opened my big mouth, and said do you want a divorce ! he looked shocked and got sharp with me ! i said well u either want to be single or married ! no response, bit more chat, i went over cant we sort this out the reasons are there as to why i shut you out, same old reply ive got walls up, it over we are finished, be friends and see where it goes ergggggggghhhhhh ! bit more chit chat i said give us a friend hug, his response come here, n no touching down there ( h gets aroused when we cuddle ) we both lol, hug was an affectionate hug, like when we was toghether,n lasted well into 20 mins, with just chit chat, ( and yes he was i didnt acknowledge it though !) he again gave the walls up chat, also said he wishes he could just find the switch, to turn his hurt off, i said surely we need to do it 2 gether,he said its sumthing i have and need to do by myself, i said but what if its to late for me and ive moved on, he says then it will be his own fault, he also said you are single if you wanna be with someone your free 2 do so ! more chit chat then space more chat he needs to work through his hurt, it could take a month 2 or 6, but he cant make any promises, that even if he does get them down that he could come back !, he went to make a drink in kitchen i pulled him to me hugged kissed not full on though, ( and yes again he was ) sat down drank our drinks hugged sum more, i said ive got to go, walked to door he came to door, i said its been a nice chilled afternoon he said yes it has, he hugged me for like 5 mins, ( and yep yet again he was ) i looked him in the eyes and said i love you, he had tears in eyes, i said bye, walked out the door i turn to say bye again, he just stands there, i said come here, he comes kisses me, and he lol and says your not making this easy, i said on who he lol and says us ! i lol and walk away, someone please advise me what the hell is going on here ! what does he want ! and am i right in thinking his giving me mixed signals, and really doesnt know what he wants !


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