# Keeping Your Rebounds Classy?



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Six months after my separation, I've started dating. I am only ready for casual companionship/physical intimacy, NOT a serious relationship/monogamy. I am always upfront before I go out with anyone in letting them know I am separated, not divorced and the paperwork has been filed with the court. 

I've met a few people I like spending time with and one "friendship" in particular has progressed to the best possible scenario - five alarm sex. :smthumbup: Honestly, it's so refreshing to go out to dinner, romp around in the sheets, cuddle, snooze for a bit, then go home. Sometimes I spend the night too but like I said - it's all very casual and fun. 

I am 100% sure this is just a rebound thing, but sometimes I feel myself getting a bit attached. Sometimes it seems like he is getting a bit attached too. I'm not putting up a wall I just genuinely know we are too different to be anything serious/long term. There is an age gap as well. (Didn't intend to go the cougar route - it just happened.) 

Is there a classy way to express to someone "this is awesome - for right now." I don't want him to feel I'm using him for sex (although everyone assures me men don't care about that) but it's not all about sex - I like and respect him as a person. However, I also want to be very, very careful not to foster any unintentional attachments on either end. I've had about all the drama I can handle this year.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Honesty is best. So I say you have an open/adult conversation with him and let him know exactly where your mind/thought process is at. It's better to say everything than say nothing and leave it up in the air.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> I am 100% sure this is just a rebound thing, but sometimes I feel myself getting a bit attached. Sometimes it seems like he is getting a bit attached too.


Hehe. Don'tcha just HATE when that happens?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I would be totally open and honest. 

Post divorce I had a blast dating non exclusively and had a FWB, we both agreed that we liked each others company, sex was great but we did not love/want a relationship. It is quite liberating to be adult enough to have an open and honest conversation like that.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

We've been dating about a month now and finally he brought up the "where is this going" routine. 

Thanks to y'all I was prepared and told him I like dating him and he is the only person I am sleeping with (true) but I am not ready for a commitment and am not sure when I will be. 

Also I told him we're free to date and/or sleep with other people but out of respect for what we have we should always use protection and not discuss it with the other. All of which he agreed seemed reasonable but he did seem a bit disappointed I wasn't ready to go the girlfriend/boyfriend route. 

My entire life I've always been a "onesie" where I meet someone, like them, and couple up right away. However, I don't want to do that anymore! I spent ten years married and want to take my time playing the field and healing/re-discovering myself. It's really hard to break old patterns.....anyone else feeling that way?!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It can sometimes be difficult to tell when it's a rebound, or that you're ready for something more. I dated a lot upon separating, but as it turned out, one of the earliest women I met ended up being (after we'd both dated many others too) the one I got serious about. That was almost 14 years ago, and it's still great. We were honest with each other about not being sure, and being too soon - and it was - until we got back together.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

How is it the most of the divorced women I know have gone through these wild NSA dating periods and a lot of divorced men I know can barely afford to eat let alone date after getting raked through the coals. Sitting at home slurping down Ramen noodles. Sleeping in a van down by the river! 

When I separated I couldn't date because my marriage was still up in the air. I went to the local bars just to get out of my empty apartment. The silence is very loud sometimes. It was so sad seeing all the freshly divorced middle age guys come in, stare sullenly in a beer for an hour and then leave. I thought ... holy crap ... is that going to be me? Is that me? Scares the crap out of me.

Anyway, to OP. Just be honest. There is no harm in that. The worst thing would be to lead him on to think it could be anything more. As far as most guys not caring about that ... well, probably not younger guys. I personally as an older guy (46) probably would care if I felt we had a good thing going but I could accept it if you were completely open about it upfront.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> How is it the most of the divorced women I know have gone through these wild NSA dating periods and a lot of divorced men I know can barely afford to eat let alone date after getting raked through the coals.


Really? I have seen both genders go all out with sleeping with the opposite sex after a big relationship and/or marriage ends. Me personally, I could not even fathom dating, much less sleeping with, someone else for a LONG time after my separation/divorce.

Was not ready for that at all.



bravenewworld said:


> Thanks to y'all I was prepared and told him I like dating him and he is the only person I am sleeping with (true) but I am not ready for a commitment and am not sure when I will be.
> 
> Also I told him we're free to date and/or sleep with other people but out of respect for what we have we should always use protection and not discuss it with the other. All of which he agreed seemed reasonable but he did seem a bit disappointed I wasn't ready to go the girlfriend/boyfriend route.


Good for you for being honest. If he is super into you then he is probably disappointed but there is no sense in lying about how you feel so it's better to lay your cards on the table so he can see where you are at and decide if he wants to continue with it or not. Honesty is always best.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> We've been dating about a month now and finally* he brought up the "where is this going" routine. *


And a question for the men: is this common for men -- to ask a month in? I am going to start a thread topic on this.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Not common in my opinion LOL

I only had one guy ask that. I guess I didn't answer right because he met another woman who he decided quickly was the next Mrs. so he told me he'd met someone else (we were dating casually - no sex) and that she was "the one" and they were getting married and he was moving in with her with his 3 boys (triplets!)

I felt like I'd dodged a bullet.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah, honestly, Enjoli, to me that seems ... fast? And unsual for the man to be asking...

Or maybe I am cracked.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I don't think we can assume anymore that men act one way and women act another. I've known guys that wanted to get married and have a family every bit as much as women I've known. I've known women that have no desire to be tied down with marriage and families. I think you find people of both sexes who just want to be in a relationship and move almost instantly from coffee to commitment. 

However, if you can't talk about what you ultimately want from your current paramour or relationships in general, then you probably aren't ready to be in that relationship.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> It can sometimes be difficult to tell when it's a rebound, or that you're ready for something more. I dated a lot upon separating, but as it turned out, one of the earliest women I met ended up being (after we'd both dated many others too) the one I got serious about. That was almost 14 years ago, and it's still great. We were honest with each other about not being sure, and being too soon - and it was - until we got back together.


This is a really interesting perspective. I am a bit confused about my feelings as he does seem to be a really good guy. I just don't think it's fair to him or myself to get seriously involved until I know exactly what I want. 

I'm not even sure I ever want to be in a serious relationship again. Not because I'm bitter, but because I'm open to the possibility I might be happier without one. Life is so much less stressful on my own.

I settled down at a very young age (before I could legally drink even) so I've never really thought about what I'm looking for in a life mate. As a married and faithful lady, I've been quite sheltered to the world of dating/romance/sex etc.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> How is it the most of the divorced women I know have gone through these wild NSA dating periods and a lot of divorced men I know can barely afford to eat let alone date after getting raked through the coals. Sitting at home slurping down Ramen noodles. Sleeping in a van down by the river!
> 
> When I separated I couldn't date because my marriage was still up in the air. I went to the local bars just to get out of my empty apartment. The silence is very loud sometimes. It was so sad seeing all the freshly divorced middle age guys come in, stare sullenly in a beer for an hour and then leave. I thought ... holy crap ... is that going to be me? Is that me? Scares the crap out of me.
> 
> ...


I think it's important not generalize. The only reason I am not homeless is because my paycheck was directly deposited into a separate account my spouse had no access to. He completely cleaned out our entire life savings account before running off to another country with the POSOW. And he has definitely had a wild dating period with other woman, the only difference is he moves in with all of them. Common sense and a strong sense of self prevents me from behaving in this manner, but I definitely still have a need for sex and affection. 

Before I started putting myself out there I promised I would always be honest with people I am dating - even if it's not what they want to hear. It's not easy but seeing my ex's shame spiral has really motivated me to live a life of integrity, even when it's uncomfortable.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Good for you for being honest. If he is super into you then he is probably disappointed but there is no sense in lying about how you feel so it's better to lay your cards on the table so he can see where you are at and decide if he wants to continue with it or not. Honesty is always best.


Agreed, it's just so hard to figure out what I want after my life being turned upside down. I feel like I need to experience more of what's out there before I can commit. 

However, putting yourself out there also opens yourself up to being hurt. And I know I will be. Even if this guy now said he no longer wanted to date - I would be hurt. I guess I figure no one can hurt me the way my ex did (and even if they did, I would survive.) Right now dealing with insecurity and the possibility of being hurt is worth the pleasure that comes with companionship and good sex.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Honesty is the best policy. The devil you know is better than the angel you don't.
Men don't really care about this stuff but the reality is that women are so used to playing the victim role that men tend to play the "good guy" role to their detriment.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> Agreed, it's just so hard to figure out what I want after my life being turned upside down. I feel like I need to experience more of what's out there before I can commit.


Have you filed for divorce yet? When will it be finalized? 

That will be a huge step in your healing process.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Have you filed for divorce yet? When will it be finalized?
> 
> That will be a huge step in your healing process.


I have filed, hoping to be officially divorced before the year is out.

My ex and I have not spoken in over six months, yet he's dragging his feet to get anything done. Kind of weird considering he has a new live in gf from what I hear.

I think you're right - there's something weird about being married to someone I no longer speak to, respect, or know at all as a person.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

aston said:


> Men don't really care about this stuff but the reality is that women are so used to playing the victim role that men tend to play the "good guy" role to their detriment.


Aston, can you elaborate on this? Not exactly sure I understand what you mean.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> Aston, can you elaborate on this? Not exactly sure I understand what you mean.


I meant that going into relationships of any sort women automatically take the prey / victim role. The "me me me, it's all about me" view many women take from the onset puts many guys at a disadvantage.

On one hand you like what works (no strings, convenient etc), on the other hand you reference getting attached. Does the guy know it's strictly and NSA thing given your situation or have you led him to believe you may be looking for more?

Again, honesty is the best policy. It's ok to let a guy know what you're looking for. In a nutshell, if you have a situation that works for you it's best to articulate that to your partner. It's only fair since if things blow up somehow it will be his fault.

Just MHO.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

aston said:


> I meant that going into relationships of any sort women automatically take the prey / victim role. The "me me me, it's all about me" view many women take from the onset puts many guys at a disadvantage.
> 
> On one hand you like what works (no strings, convenient etc), on the other hand you reference getting attached. Does the guy know it's strictly and NSA thing given your situation or have you led him to believe you may be looking for more?
> 
> ...


Thanks for clarifying. I'm going to disagree with your first paragraph - I think men and women can both play victims and that separated/divorced people in general are broken people looking to rebuild and perhaps reclaim the direction of their lives. 

A lot of us (men and women) have put our own needs on the back-burner in unhealthy and co-dependent marriages so it's really important we put ourselves and our needs first in a respectful and kind way. You can put yourself first without disrespecting the rights and feelings of others. 

I have definitely been honest in saying to him, "I like you and think you are great, but I am not ready for a committed relationship and am not sure when I will be." He's an adult who has said this is acceptable to him, so I'm going to take him for his word, respect his decision, and see where it leads. 

As my best friend told me, "As long as you are honest, kind, and clear in your communication - you aren't responsible for the feelings of others."


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