# Just wanted to share



## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I am posting this thread to hopefully give others some insight on what their spouses might be feeling. (Quick recap - it's been 3 months since I found out my H had an A with a very good friend - which ended the moment I found out about it.)

Last night as we were cuddling in bed, I made a little joke/quip directed at the A. He just chuckled and moved directly onto a different subject. I asked why he changed the subject so quickly? He said that he doesn't think about the A, he just had an amazing night with his wife and that's all he wants to think about and enjoy. He said he knows my mind still goes there but his does not. 

I went a little further and said I agree it's not something I want to discuss daily either. In fact, I can't tell you the last time we really talked about it. Then he said, without my prodding, "I don't like to talk about the A because I don't like to be reminded or to think about how much I screwed up. I'm so angry at myself for what I did, it was so wrong and I was so stupid and I don't like to think about how much I hurt you. I am so sorry, I love you so much. Thank you for staying with me." 

It was good for me because since we don't say it ever day as we're just focusing on us and our happiness in our marriage, to know that he is still feeling guilty. Not that I want him to suffer but yes, in a way I guess I do since I am still suffering to know that it affects him too. My one concern that we discussed in counseling was that if we moved on and concentrated on our marriage, that the A would get pushed under a rug and that he would have "gotten off free" so to speak. But we discussed and he had told me then that wasn't the case, that he would always be guilty and remorseful for what he did. 

So, I guess what I wanted to share with others whose spouses have cheated and chose to stay in the marriage, is that when they don't want to talk about things or dredge things up isn't necessarily because they are hiding things or don't want to hurt us more/again or just want to forget things, etc. BUT because it causes them pain to be reminded. I guess I just found solace knowing that it affected him too. We have been focusing on me, him listening to me, helping me through this with what I needed, showing me that he's here with me 100%. I thanked him for telling me that because, without knowing it, I really needed to here him say those words.


----------



## idontunderstand (Dec 31, 2009)

That is awesome! I am working hard and struggling to get there myself. Thanks for the advice that pointed out what I already new but haven't acknowledged.


----------



## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

Outstanding! I reallt appreciate this becuase I am 6 weeks into learnign about my wife's EA and I have worried about how I always have things i need to discuss and she seems shut off. If we can get to a place where she says something similar to what your H said, I think that will solidify my confidence even more!

Thanks for sharing mommy2!


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

My H has told me similar things, and I have felt the same way about them just "getting away" with it. I know what you mean on that one. I try not to directly talk about the A, just about things we need to do for me to trust and for him to still be comfortable. Boundaries that we can agree on and stuff like that. I am so glad that he finally told you why he doesn't like talking about it, and so happy that you two are moving forward!!


----------



## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

This is wonderful, thank you for sharing such an encouraging post!

The open communication that you two obviously share is a great foundation for your successful marriage. Keep that up! Knowing that he is feeling guilty and has suffered from the A will help you to trust him too. Those feelings will keep him closer to home and less likely to think the grass is greener, you know?!

So blessed to hear about the love that you and your husband are nurturing and investing in.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

what a breath of fresh air, a lot of us here wish we were in your shoes and are very happy for you and your husband......
keep posting to let us know things are going well.....
thanks for putting a smile on my face today.......


----------



## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Thank you!

I know there will still be bad days and good days but this situation helped alot and will help for me to recall when I am having one of those bad days.


----------



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

If you have a bad day...
Read YOUR POST. This is awesome and inspiring. Hold on to it.


----------

