# My Insecurities...Ill Founded?



## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

I'm really having a difficult time and have been feeling depressed for about a week. 

I have been overweight for quite a few years. I have never been able to lose weight this January, a few weeks after an ER trip. Since 1 January, I have lost 42 pounds. I still have about 35 that I want to lose. 

When I was pregnant with our daughter 9 years ago, my husband had an affair with a 20 year old blond cheer leader. I was in my late 20's by then, I have brown hair and have certainly never been a cheerleader. We tried to work things out, then separated for a year. We then got back together and have been working on our marriage since. 

I posted on the sex forum several months ago about our almost non existent sex life, and how I had to imagine I was someone else in order to be able to have sex. Well after getting my medical issue resolved, my sex life was/is back with a vengeance and I've been losing weight through proper nutrition and exercise.

I should be happy. I should be proud of myself, and I was. UNTIL the other day when hubby and I went for him and our son to get a hair cut. He goes to the same place all the time and we have been before. But this time there was a girl working there I had not seen before and he fully and completely checked her out. Her car battery had died and he went out to jump start her car. After he got his hair cut, by another lady, we left and he didn't say anything.

So I asked him about her car, what type it was, if it was older, whatever. He tells me it is an older car and how he has told her she needed to get it checked out in the past. So obviously this wasn't his first encounter with her.

Knowing that I'm working so hard to look good, and hearing him say things to me like "I know you are going to drop all your weight and leave me" and then watching him check out a girl like that...I feel so inadequate. I'll never be good enough. I'll never "measure" up.

Top that off with the fact that we have sex frequently, "almost" daily. This past week we haven't had any because he had been tired from work and then I got ToM. Then I find a bunch of downloaded porn on his phone.

I'm at a loss. How can I feel better about myself when these things happen?

I feel disgusted with myself. 

When I was posting about my weight and also reading the "I'm not attracted to my wife because she's fat posts" so many people commented to just leave the fat wife and find a thin, hotter model. I was told to drop the weight, yada yada yada. Now I'm dropping the weight and feel just as ugly. I wouldn't have felt this way had I not seen him soooo blatantly checking out a much younger, fitter, attractive woman. 

Days like this I wish I would just have stayed single, living in my apartment with my dogs.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Don't base your self worth on him. Meaning, do not let what he is doing/acting, effect how you feel about yourself and what you are trying to accomplish with losing weight. Keep doing what you are doing for you.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I do think that he should be working harder on his end to eliminate some of these objectionable behaviors if he truly is trying to repair the marriage.

It really sounds to me like his behaviors are indicating that, while you have done a great deal of work the last few months to repair the non-existent sex life, he has not caught up and he's still "going underground" through porn and such to get those needs met.

I can't help but wonder if a few talks and clearing the air might be really good for you guys.


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## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

We have had talks. He knows how I feel about the porn and when I bring it up he will say he thinks of me while he is watching the porn, which I call bull on. Then he will delete the videos from his phone only to download more later. 

He says he loves me, doesn't want to live without me, and that I'm what he wants. But I just feel he "settled" for me. Seeing him check out other women like that solidifies that feeling. 

He is not in the best shape, not a gym rat or body builder. However, I do not go around checking out other guys. 

The day after the barber shop incident, we were at a sandwhich shop and he gave his order to the lady (who KNEW the kids and I were with him) and because he never has to think about what he's getting, (he gets the same thing every time,) he said "I'm easy" after placing his order. The lady behind the counter said, "Oh are you?" and started flirting with him, and I'm just thinking WTF?

I have not been hit on in years. And I'm pretty sure I won't be in the future either. Instead, I just have to watch my husband check out other women and get hit on as well.

I just feel so low.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

First congrats on the weight loss...you should be proud of yourself and don't let your husbands behavior derail your goals.
Was your husband always a flirt? 
I would recommend you schedule a MC appointment. So you can air your issues in a safe setting.
Your husband may not know the extent he is hurting you. He needs to really hear it and accept his role 
in your unhappiness. He should know with the past cheating he created this.
Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Maybe this is a good circumstance for a 180?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh and no your insecurities aren't ill founded.Thats why you will have to stop relying on him to feel secure about yourself.Hes not a healthy source for you to build on your feelings of self worth and definately not for your primary or only source.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Excuse me you should be celebrating your weight loss! Saying I was fabulous but now I feel even more fabulous because I am getting healthy.

Go put your security suits away, you know the big clothes we tend to hide behind. Wear form fitting clothes, try new styles. If you have a stylish friend ask her to go shopping with you. Try new makeup colors and techniques. Most malls will help you with that.

Smile, if you need to brighten your teeth do so it will make a difference. Buy new underware but buy it for you not him. You will be surprised how feminine and beautiful you will feel.

Walk proud with confidence, if your posture is not the best go to a chiropractor. We tend to slump when we feel insecure. 

Don't rely on your husband to feel secure, his actions show that he needs people to assure him that he still has it. 

You don't need to, you are a kind fabulous woman who with determination to get healthier has lost 42 lbs.

Don't compare yourself with the trampy woman that flirt with any one who walks in the door, you are a lady.

Then you will question why your standards are so low .


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are giving your husband WAY to much control over your self esteem! He is being extremely insensitive, whether you had ever been overweight or not, he is disrespecting you. And you are allowing it. Look at what you have accomplished! You are doing AMAZING! Embrace your achievement!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Work on your body, but even more important, work on your self esteem. No matter how much weight you lose, you will never feel beautiful if you don't learn to accept yourself the way you are. It's all in your mind. 
Don't let your husband's wandering eye sink your confidence. Tell yourself you are beautiful, because you ARE beautiful. Beauty is not limited to skinny blonde cheerleaders. Every woman with every shape can be beautiful if she is comfortable in her body. And when you DO lose weight, coz you WILL, let that be for yourself, not for your husband. 
Speaking of which, you may want to ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life feeling unappreciated by someone who constantly look after other women when he has you.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
It takes courage for you to pour out your feelings. Kudos to you for that. Recognizing that maybe it's the outlook or opinion and not the truth is the first step.

The truth. It permeates life, if you listen to it.

Opinions. What others think of you, and what you think of yourself.
Some of it is true, and some of it is just opinions, comparisons to others. Learning to find the difference, and tossing out everything but the truth is a golden key to real happiness.

Think about how other women look. Think about what makes them attractive. Think about how everyone has a different VIEW on what IS pretty. Think about women in Africa, or Asia. Or the Amazon. Any country that is distinctly different from ours. 

What makes a person say one person is ugly, while another is beautiful?

Judgement.

What is the cause of most conflict, for the human race? Judgement.

Right, wrong. Ugly, beautiful. Good, bad. Opinions. We are a billion different people with unique experiences. Not one of us is the same, yet we feel the need to judge each other. And we judge ourselves the most. Against a standard that was put in place to avoid chaos. 

We weren't supposed to take on those standards as our self esteem.
We weren't supposed to believe all the opinions and forgot who we really are, inside. 

When we stop judging ourselves, and listen.... we start to learn who we are, inside. That is what matters. How you listen to yourself, how you treat yourself, and whether or not you let others determine your sense of self worth. Some say that is our purpose in life. To toss the opinions aside, take control of yourself, and decide who YOU are, not follow what others think. 

That is the most attractive quality of the soul. And no one can take that away from you, with comments or disrespectful judgements. That is truly beautiful. To live with truth.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Interesting that no one here is even bothering to answer your actual question.

The answer is yes, your insecurities are ill founded.

Are you serious? So an attractive woman cut his hair, and he helped jumpstart her car. Looking at an attractive woman is *NORMAL* (unless your husband is gay) and I'm pretty sure that if this was his male barber he also would have helped him with his car. He's a man. If you get insecure about that, or you get insecure because he looks at porn, well then I have some bad news for you - *you will be insecure with ANY guy on the planet!!!*

I don't know the rest of your history, I am only speaking to the issues you mention, about what happened at the barber shop and porn. 

Oh, and it's fantastic about the weight loss. That is amazing actually!!! It's too bad you don't even see it (I have a feeling that no matter how much weight you lose you will never be satisfied with yourself). If your husband is not complimenting you on that, if he's not giving you 100% support, then he is definitely wrong. Moreover, he should support you and make an effort to get in better shape too! But keep in mind that like you, he also has insecurities. He might really be afraid you are going to leave him for someone more attactive. Have you considered that?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

RavenWolf said:


> I'm really having a difficult time and have been feeling depressed for about a week.
> 
> I have been overweight for quite a few years. I have never been able to lose weight this January, a few weeks after an ER trip. Since 1 January, I have lost 42 pounds. I still have about 35 that I want to lose.
> 
> ...


I'm going to say something here that will rub people the wrong way but so be it. DO NOT listen to everything posted here. Sometimes people mean well, but give absolutely dreadful advice. I'm currently embarking on my own weight loss journey and I can tell you from my experience that if you don't lose it because a "switch flipped" in your head than it won't work. It has to come from within.

Don't do it to maintain some kind of attractiveness for your spouse. I see that post here a lot and while there are merits, on the whole it's shallow BS.

If the worst thing that happened to someones marriage is weight gain and it's enough to throw you away, then be prepared when the real tough issues come.

I also think it's different for women and men. A man who's gained weight (like myself) really shouldn't have, and should do everything in his power to lose it. A woman who has born a child should lose the weight when she is ready to, not out of some warped, coerced fairytale of trying to keep her husband attracted to her. Doing it that way is not sustainable. It will be a truth built on shaky foundation.


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## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

Thank you for all the replies. 

Something did "snap" me into seriously losing weight. I had a lot happen last year and I had my "wake up call" so to speak.

As far as him having insecurities and have I ever thought about that? Every day. Why? Because he tells me I'm going to leave him when I lose weight. Why should he have insecurities? For one, I'm not the one who cheated...he did. Second, he's the one checking out other women, I'm not checking out other men. Third, he gets flirted with, I don't. 

So someone explain how "his" insecurities could be even remotely valid? 

I guess there is a chance my insecurities could be ill founded, but I have a real hard time thinking that way. I just read a long thread on this forum about men checking out other women, and the majority of them admit that they are thinking of having sex with the women they are checking out. And based on my husband's history, I fully am aware that this is what crosses his mind. 

As far as if the barber would have been a guy my husband would have helped jump his car...absolutely! The difference is they would not be flirting with each other and planting a seed that could possibly turn into an affair. So I'm sorry to say that the point you were trying to make in that case is not one that has any basis in my insecurity.

I do have really low self esteem. I have for years. At one point my husband freely admitted he would have chosen my friend over me because she was prettier. That does not help my self esteem one bit. 

I'm really not sure how to fix my self esteem. I am not good at anything I do, and can't seem to get good at anything, no matter how hard/long I try. I can't make myself younger, prettier, or whatever....that is just a physical impossibility. I have so many interests and so many things I want to excel at. I just can't get any where with any of it.

My husband has been supporting our kids and me since I was pregnant with my son (who turns 11 next week) and had dr's orders to quit work. Multiple times over the years I have applied at many places for employment and never even got an interview. I even applied at gas stations, so it's not like I was applying for jobs that were above my ability/educational status. I have 3 years of college behind me with my basis in chemistry so I'm far from being ignorant.

My husband always seems to be relieved that I have not found a job. Any time I would go apply and wait nervously for a call for an interview that never came, he would tell me I didn't have to work. 

I want to feel confident and secure. I just have no idea how to get there.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

RavenWolf said:


> As far as him having insecurities and have I ever thought about that? Every day. Why? Because he tells me I'm going to leave him when I lose weight. Why should he have insecurities? For one, I'm not the one who cheated...he did.


He could certainly be insecure over that. He might think that you are looking for a revenge affair someday. 



> Second, he's the one checking out other women, I'm not checking out other men. Third, he gets flirted with, I don't.


I find it unlikely that women flirt with him, but men don't flirt with you. It's possible that you just don't notice it. Sometimes women are really clueless when they don't realize why men are being so nice and helpful to them.



> So someone explain how "his" insecurities could be even remotely valid?


Why would they have to be "valid" to be real? So often you read about celebrities who get addicted to plastic surgery, or go into self-destructive cycles with bulimia, etc, because they are so insecure. I always think how could that be? How could a professional model, so beautiful and wealthy, feel insecure? But they do. It's human nature. I read an interview years ago where Burt Reynolds said he was insecure about his looks - that threw me for a loop.

Although I am no expert, and I don't know you personally, it looks like you have a very narrow view of the things going on around you, and may be missing the big picture. Often people really notice things that validate their fears because that's what they are looking for. Another way to look at it, there's that old saying: "If the only tool you have is a hammer, then you tend to see every problem as a nail". 



> I guess there is a chance my insecurities could be ill founded, but I have a real hard time thinking that way. I just read a long thread on this forum about men checking out other women, and the majority of them admit that they are thinking of having sex with the women they are checking out. And based on my husband's history, I fully am aware that this is what crosses his mind.


You are right. That *IS* what is crossing his mind. But the truth is, that's the same for every man everywhere. Unless you marry a man who is gay or asexual, then you just have to deal with it. It's how men are made. You don't have to take is personally. When an attractive woman at the office bends over to get something out of a drawer, every man who sees her is thinking about what she would look like naked in that position. I know - some women on this forum will say _"my husband doesn't do that!"_... yeah right. Now that still is NOT an excuse for cheating, although some men will try to twist it that way. 




> At one point my husband freely admitted he would have chosen my friend over me because she was prettier. That does not help my self esteem one bit.


That was an awful thing for him to say. Were you fighting? Did he say it just to hurt you at that time? It might not be true. It's also possible he meant that at that time, he found her more attractive, but after getting to know you, he found you more attractive. That is also normal. 



> Multiple times over the years I have applied at many places for employment and never even got an interview.


The economy is horrible right now. I know people who have sent out hundreds of resumes before even getting one interview. Please don't let that get you down.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Based on what you said today, I think your husband knows that he cheated when presented the opportunity, so he assumes you are just like him and would leave him if the opportunity arose.

That's why he likes the fact that you have no job and feel like no one flirts/notices you.

One last thing, you say you have lots of interests but just don't excel at them. A good marriage partner tries to help you excel at them and helps make you feel good about yourself. You might want to ask yourself if your husband is doing that for you. If he isn't, you might ask yourself if your husband's behaviors are actually preventing you from achieving certain things. It might help you get a balanced perspective on things.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

RavenWolf said:


> I do have really low self esteem. I have for years. At one point my husband freely admitted he would have chosen my friend over me because she was prettier. That does not help my self esteem one bit.


What an ass. No wonder you have these feelings. I would've dumped him right then.


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## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

Theseus said:


> I find it unlikely that women flirt with him, but men don't flirt with you. It's possible that you just don't notice it. Sometimes women are really clueless when they don't realize why men are being so nice and helpful to them.
> 
> 
> That was an awful thing for him to say. Were you fighting? Did he say it just to hurt you at that time? It might not be true. It's also possible he meant that at that time, he found her more attractive, but after getting to know you, he found you more attractive. That is also normal.


To address these points, no, men do NOT flirt with me. In fact, no man has been "nice to me" at any point in many years. No holding the door for me if my hands are full, no helping when my car was on the side of the road with a flat tire, not a smile...nothing. So I'm not naïve and misinterpreting nice gestures and missing the flirting. There is not one man in my years that has even remotely done anything I could consider "nice" or flirt like. 

As far as him saying he would have picked my friend over me, we were not fighting at the time at all. It was just his honest opinion. Now he tells me that I was not his type when he married me but I am now. I don't buy that because he still looks at his type. I do not fit the bill. Never have and never will.

He tells me every day that I'm beautiful and it kills me. Because I know that isn't true and seeing him look at other women that he does "proves" to me that I'm not. That may seem ridiculous to some, but for me it is incredibly painful. 

As far as supporting my desires to be successful at things...he does. I love photography and he bought me an awesome camera. However I then found out he bought something for himself at the same time, so I feel at times when he does get/do something for me, it is because he is justifying what he gets/does for himself.

I love to make homemade soap. He told me it's stupid and got upset over it. Then he read a prepper site that said being able to make soap is an asset that can be used and he was all for it. I would love to sell my soap, but it doesn't happen. Just another big fail in my mind. 

And to the comment about leaving a long time ago, I did. I moved back home with the kids for a year. Tried to find work but couldn't. He supported me this whole time from out of state, and I was so frustrated with not being able to find a job. After a year, we got back together and have been working on things since.

I have moved on from his affair. But then when I see him scoping out another woman like that, it kills me because it just shows how easy it would be for him to wander again, in my mind anyway. I do not have any prospective "affair" partners so there is not possibility that would/could happen. Even if I did, I wouldn't cheat, it's not in me to do so. I would leave first. And yes, I do know 100% that this is what I would do.

For many years he has even accused me of sleeping with my female friends. I do not know why, and I hardly ever see any of them. I asked him once if he says those things because he wants to sleep with them and his answer was no. I call bull on that. Why else would he accuse me of that multiple times?

Years ago, when we first started dating, he went with me to the tattoo shop I hung out at. My friend, and artist at this establishment, walked up and said "Hey, I called you at 3am." I replied, "What did you want at 3 am?" My friend said "What do you think, a booty call!" I had NEVER been with him, and had never been alone with him. So hubby (who was not my hubby then) told me that made him uncomfortable so you know what? I never talked to my friend again, or entered that shop again. And yet he is insecure?

I'm just baffled, dumbfounded and sad.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

RavenWolf said:


> As far as him saying he would have picked my friend over me, we were not fighting at the time at all. It was just his honest opinion. Now he tells me that I was not his type when he married me but I am now. I don't buy that because he still looks at his type. I do not fit the bill. Never have and never will.


So you believe him when he says negative things about you, but you "don't buy it" when he says positive things? Either you believe him or you don't. You shouldn't be cherry picking the things that only support your own insecurities. This ties into the narrow view of the situation I mentioned earlier.

BTW, there was a reason why he married you, and the most likely reason is physical attraction. Or are you wealthy and you think he married you for your money? 



> He tells me every day that I'm beautiful and it kills me. Because I know that isn't true and seeing him look at other women that he does "proves" to me that I'm not. That may seem ridiculous to some, but for me it is incredibly painful.



I don't know what you look like, but even if you are Angelina Jolie, your husband is still going to look at other attractive women. There's no reason for you to take that so personally. When a man finds one woman beautiful, it's not like every other woman on the planet magically becomes ugly to him. I'm not sure how I can explain this to make it clearer. 

I'm not defending his actions outside of this, however, I'm just pointing that out.



> And yet he is insecure?


Being insecure is not a zero-sum game. Both partners can be insecure, and they both can be insecure for totally ridiculous reasons.


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## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

How can I believe the positive things when I've heard the negative? Not sure how to deal with that one.

No, I'm not rich. But I think he married me because I had my own apartment and it got him out of the barracks. I think he liked the "idea" of being married and didn't really think it through.

It's funny because he has NEVER been one to open the door for me, offer to carry all the bags, etc. But let another woman need help and he's right there. EVERYONE thinks he is the most amazing guy because he sees what he does for everyone else. Sometimes I just want to scream and say he is great...to everyone else. 

When I bought my daughter a hamster and cage off of craigslist for like $25 he flipped his lid and told me that I was disrespecting him by getting a hamster without asking him. But he does not consider telling me he'd choose another woman over me disrespectful? Or going out of his way to do things for other women that he doesn't/won't do for me?

The past few days I have felt myself getting "detached" from him again. I do not feel emotionally safe now that these things have happened. I may be over reacting, but I don't feel like I am at the same time. I'm tired of getting hurt.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

Honestly, your husband sounds like a controlling bully. I can see exactly why you're having a hard time reconciling his 'compliments' vs/ his actual behaviour. Telling you that you weren't his type when he pledged his life to you in marriage and fathered your child, but he is now, does not count as a compliment btw.

The bottom line is, if you feel his behaviours may lead to him cheating again, or if they trigger you/remind you of the cheating, he'll have to stop them. I don't think you should listen to the people who say 'all guys do that! Don't even worry about it!'. Because if a cheating wife did the same thing (ogled and flirted with random hot guys), and continued to do it after she was caught cheating, even though it upset her husband, the same people would be the first in line to say 'she has to stop that if she is truly remorseful and committed to the marriage'. 

So if he is truly committed to the marriage and will never cheat again, he has to say it with his words and back it up with his actions for as long as it takes. Meaning no 'ogling' over women publicly and noticably, no flirting except with you, and it'd be nice if he stopped the backhanded insults towards you too.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

RavenWolf said:


> How can I believe the positive things when I've heard the negative? Not sure how to deal with that one.
> 
> No, I'm not rich. But I think he married me because I had my own apartment and it got him out of the barracks. I think he liked the "idea" of being married and didn't really think it through.
> 
> ...


So far I've read that:

- He's a cheater
- He's emotionally abusive
- He's a prepper

All of these things would have me running but I'm not in your shoes...so I hope i works out for you.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

RavenWolf said:


> How can I believe the positive things when I've heard the negative? Not sure how to deal with that one.



Then how can you believe the negative things when you've heard the positive? 

Once again, you are only looking at one side of the coin, the negative side. 

People say contradictory things, people say things they don't mean, and people change their minds over time. No one is perfect. 

Everyone else here is telling you that your husband is a jerk, and he probably is. But I am only addressing your issues. Someone earlier in this thread said your self-worth shouldn't be dependent on his approval. That's true, but I understand that realistically a spouse is an extremely important person in your life, so it's darn near impossible to discount their opnion of you. That said, at least give him some benefit of the doubt and actually believe him when he pays you the occasional compliment. You owe yourself that much. 

For the things he does, like not opening doors for you, etc. Make it clear that this bothers you. He may have gotten so used to you that it isn't even crossing his mind anymore.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

RavenWolf said:


> How can I believe the positive things when I've heard the negative? Not sure how to deal with that one.
> 
> No, I'm not rich. But I think he married me because I had my own apartment and it got him out of the barracks. I think he liked the "idea" of being married and didn't really think it through.
> 
> ...


Just wanted to offer support and commiseration. I too have serious self-esteem issues and my husband has insulted me with some doozies over the years and I try to laugh it off by thinking, "oh you honeydripper!", but truthfully it has hurt me deeply. And like your husband, usually these things are not said in the heat of an argument but have been stated matter of factly, which hurts even more as he is simply relaying the truth as he sees it. Given this, when he does deign to pay me a very rare compliment, it absolutely does not hold the same weight as his negative comments. How could it? 

In your situation with him cheating on you, checking out other women in front of you, telling you that you are beautiful while stating that he would have married your prettier friend over you…how in hell are you supposed to compartmentalize his one compliment and take it to heart when he shows you by word and deed that he doesn’t value you for the beautiful woman that you are? I mean, WTF?! Don’t listen to people here stating that this is on you…this is most certainly on him. Your partner should make you feel safe in your relationship, cherished and valued, and should forsake all others…your husband is not treating you with the respect, love, and dignity that you deserve! 

Just in reading your posts I can tell that you are an intelligent, committed, driven, sensitive, caring, compassionate woman. I wish you could see that in yourself. You should be proud of your weight loss and focusing on your accomplishments/self-improvements instead of allowing his controlling negativity bring you down. I mean no disrespect but he sounds like an insecure, insensitive, manipulative bully who enjoys keeping you under his thumb. 

I hope you continue to focus on improving yourself (for yourself!) and that you are one day able to shed the negative, sick shroud in which he has smothered you and see yourself for the unique lovely woman that you are. Take care.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

RavenWolf said:


> Thank you for all the replies.
> 
> Something did "snap" me into seriously losing weight. I had a lot happen last year and I had my "wake up call" so to speak.
> 
> ...


The key is you CAN. Your not the first nor will you be the last person to build up and maintain a healthy self esteem.

Congrats on the weight loss. You may as well keep on going with it, until you are at the best shape of your life. A gift to yourself. Not to compete with women outside of your relationship.

I know you feel like your husband uses you for sex and gives women outside the relationship the attention that you should be getting. 

Happens. I want others to chime in. But for now, you need to be concerned with continuing to lose weight and get in better physical condition, and building up and maintaining a healthy self view and self esteem. 

You can get very good at things if you put your mind to it. I know some of your husbands behaviors contribute to insecurity, but your going to find it.


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

Hi Raven,

It may not be as bad as you think. Your husband had just the one affair and it was a long time ago. He's generally supportive. You are having regular sex. You've lost weight and a working on maximizing yourself. These are all good things. 

As far as checking out the other girls and porn, don't be insulted. It's a very, very natural thing for guys to look at women. It's hardwired, it's completely normal. He's just looking. 

The things to focus on are what really counts:

1) He's not physically abusive
2) He's not an addict or an alcoholic
3) He's not a serial adulterer
4) He's happy to be the breadwinner
5) You have regular sex 

He's a little bit oversexed, is all. Don't get mad when he checks out other girls - all guys do it, some are just less subtle than others. 

Focus on the positives. Keep working at making yourself beautiful. Don't be po'd at him for checking out porn and other chicks - let him enjoy being a guy. You will both be happier for it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jack99 said:


> Hi Raven,
> 
> It may not be as bad as you think. Your husband had just the one affair and it was a long time ago. He's generally supportive. You are having regular sex. You've lost weight and a working on maximizing yourself. These are all good things.
> 
> ...


Let him be a guy and be confident in yourself. If he treats you well outside of this, be happy - that's your husband and most men do look.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

Jack99 said:


> Hi Raven,
> 
> It may not be as bad as you think. Your husband had just the one affair and it was a long time ago. He's generally supportive. You are having regular sex. You've lost weight and a working on maximizing yourself. These are all good things.
> 
> ...





treyvion said:


> Let him be a guy and be confident in yourself. If he treats you well outside of this, be happy - that's your husband and most men do look.


Oh my God, seriously? So if I cheated on my husband and we reconciled, yet I continued to blatantly flirt and notice other men in front of him, went out of my way to help other men while ignoring him, and told him he wasn’t my type but I married him anyway even though I should have married his more attractive friend…would you guys still be championing my right to do this simply because I am a woman and it’s “natural” for me to do so? Or would you be brandishing your red markers for my “A” while lambasting me as a heartless b!tch?

She has every right to feel hurt over his behavior because it is in fact hurtful! Especially given the cutting remarks he's made and his past infidelity. I cannot believe you would actually defend his disrespectful treatment of her as just him being a guy and it being a natural thing to do. Did I fall down some fvcking bizarro rabbit hole where up is down, black is white, and condemnable behavior is commendable as long as one has the correct genitalia?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Curse of Millhaven said:


> Oh my God, seriously? So if I cheated on my husband and we reconciled, yet I continued to blatantly flirt and notice other men in front of him, went out of my way to help other men while ignoring him, and told him he wasn’t my type but I married him anyway even though I should have married his more attractive friend…would you guys still be championing my right to do this simply because I am a woman and it’s “natural” for me to do so? Or would you be brandishing your red markers for my “A” while lambasting me as a heartless b!tch?
> 
> She has every right to feel hurt over his behavior because it is in fact hurtful! Especially given the cutting remarks he's made and his past infidelity. I cannot believe you would actually defend his disrespectful treatment of her as just him being a guy and it being a natural thing to do. Did I fall down some fvcking bizarro rabbit hole where up is down, black is white, and condemnable behavior is commendable as long as one has the correct genitalia?


I bounced back and forth, didn't realize this thread had the husband as a former cheater. And now the behavior is as the wife isn't good enough, but he will get some sex almost every night, while he does his thing outside the house.

No that's not ok. It's very hurtful.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This is what I've found for myself....

After losing close to 90 pounds, I expected happiness on the other side of the scale. It didn't happen. After years of being a wife, mother, and low in confidence....I began my journey. 

It ONLY started with the weight loss. I went to counseling. Began attending school (additional schooling) and then my husband asked for a divorce for not being "in love" with me. I tried it all to salvage/save our marriage to no avail.

Work on yourself...if he wants you and wants to keep you then it's up to him as well. You won't have to convince him. All you can do is be the best you....be respectful in the marriage and communicate that you want a better marriage. If he doesn't want it then it will be apparent.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Corpuswife said:


> This is what I've found for myself....
> 
> After losing close to 90 pounds, I expected happiness on the other side of the scale. It didn't happen. After years of being a wife, mother, and low in confidence....I began my journey.
> 
> ...


I like how you mentioned that losing the weight wasn't the entire thing. That you had been so low in confidence for SO LONG, and also focused outside of yourself as a mother ( nothing wrong with that, theres pride in it ), but focused outside and so low on confidence for so long, that more work had to be done.

It's just bits and pieces we get from here and there. Get to a good body image, you can still obsess on it if you like, but it's not productive, but it is better for your mood to be in shape and do a moderate excercise level.

I wish your marriage had worked out, as I'm sure you are.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

RavenWolf said:


> Thank you for all the replies.
> 
> I want to feel confident and secure. I just have no idea how to get there.


I know EXACTLY how you feel. I struggle with this from time to time... More often over the past 2 years than ever in my life... 

I am in counseling now and I have been told I need to get a life of my own outside of my partner. At first I was a bit put off by that comment but I have to tell you that taking steps to do this has made me feel empowered and more confident. 

I am taking more time for myself without my partner doing things I enjoy... Making an effort to go meet some new people so I can find good girlfriend or two... Not caving in to everyone of my partners expectations of me. I died my hair and did a makeover.. totally worth it... 

I am also reading the book " Why men love B!tch$s". My counselor recommended it...yes she is a female. lol.. I wont say I love the book, its a bit repetitive, but I will tell you that I have taken some things out of it and applied it to my situation and I have noticed my partner is a bit more attentive to me. 

Just a few suggestions for self esteem building. I need it for myself. Maybe some might help you also.

You say you not good at anything but I am guessing that's not entirely true... I bet if I got to know you I could find a few things =)

I think everyone has their own specific insecurities, mine is self esteem, fear of my partner cheating, that I also cant compare to other women. It doesn't make us bad just unique. So don't beat yourself up to much for having some. You notice it and you want something different... That's a great way to start to get rid of it. 

So happy for your weight loss and sticking with your goals! I haven't been able to do that one yet =) 

Best wishes to you....


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## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

I am aware the weight loss isn't going to fix me and make me happy. It is only part of the whole thing for me. It is a start, though I hope.

My husband isn't all bad, so I guess I should make that clear. He knew my dream was to live in the country and he made that happen. He knew I wanted to have chickens and he made that happen, and even bought us 7 more chicks coming early June.

Today he told me he feels as though he is failing as a husband and father, because we have so much going on and the he has the added stress from his job.

He works really hard. I know he does. I know I need to tell him more. I know I probably take things a lot more personal than I should at times. But then I know there are things that are personal. 

As far as my self esteem issues go? Always have had them. This is all thanks to all the bullying I went through all through school. It never stopped. Years and years of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my peers has led me to dislike everything about myself. I have yet to find a way to deal with how I feel about myself and "get better." Counseling has not helped...did it for years. Meds didn't help either. 

If anyone has resources/advice on increasing self esteem, please share. I really could use the help.

I want to be the wife that my husband is proud to have. I want to be the wife that his buddies think he's lucky to have. I just feel like the wife who should never have gotten married. I feel inadequate in all areas, and I hate that feeling. 

I can't "make" myself look like the other girls. I can't "make" myself younger. I can't make myself into someone else. 

I just have to make myself into the best me I can. I just don't know how.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

RavenWolf said:


> If anyone has resources/advice on increasing self esteem, please share. I really could use the help.
> 
> .


A few resources I found, I like these books. They are older but I still thought they were great. =)

Light His Fire, by Ellen Kreidman
or
Women and Self-Esteem by Linda Tschirhart/ Donovan Sanford 

There are also a ton of resources online to.. Good Luck! =)


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

I am a woman of insecurities, so I completely understand what you described. I also have been cheated by my ex twice, so I know what you feel. Since then, I have had fear toward cheating even with my current boyfriend.

I am short and thin with lean muscles all over me. A cup. I envy plump women looking at their boobs and their entire feminity. I hate my body. Period. I wanted to get some meat on me, so I started weight lifting, just to make myself look even less feminine! I am 47 and have never been married.

Because my boyfriend is super muscular, he often gets compliments even from men. Nobody ever compliments on my looks except my boyfriend. I feel sorry for him who I think deserves a better looking woman. 

He also looks at other women at restaurants and streets. Once he even forgot to turn the corner to his house by looking at a woman walking on the street. Of course, I feel terrible, but never say anything to him since I try to think it's men's tendency. 

We have sex less than twice per week. Partly because we do not live together and partly because he has low drive. But I also get paranoid thinking I am not sexy enough for him. The last reasoning always prevails in my mind. 

Whenever he mentions his ex, I always get upset even toward his ex more than 10 years ago. All of our spats are from my side; I start them because I easily get hurt by what he says or actually I should say I make myself hurt by imagining the worst. This clearly tells you I am a queen of insecurities. LOL.

But I've learned something interesting from my current relationship:

1) My boyfriend was NOT my type at all. He is too muscular, too hairy, too talkative, and too loud. My type was completely opposite. So my first impression of him was "zero sexual attraction." I've never told my boyfriend about this though But now I am in love with every part of him: his sexy muscles, manly hair, funny talks, and unique voice. Yes, Shakespeare is right: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I try to apply this Shakespearean theory to myself: my boyfriend may see beauty in me, too, although other people don't. So I encourage myself. 

2) Since we don't live together, I often email him. I fill the email with compliments, as if I was writing a sonnet. I don't know if this works for you, but whenever I think about compliments toward my boyfriend, my insecurities seem to disappear because I become selfless. In other words, whenver I think about my boyfriend in a loving way, I don't have to think about myself. I become free from any negative things about myself, because I think about how good he is, how sexy he is, how smart he is, etc. 

Of course, this kind of good feelings shatter when I catch my boyfriend looking at other women. LOL. But I keep emailing him anyway and I feel better.

By the way, you might as well try to flirt other men to feel good about youself. Try this: whenever you pass a man, just look into his eyes. An eye contact makes men feel better, and they will look at you in the eye. This will give you some confident, I think. A girlfriend of mine told me she does this to get her husband jealous. It may be a good exercise for you.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
I"ve tried therapy a few times too. Didn't stick. Until this time... and I'm not willing to give up what I have learned about myself, for anyone or anything. 

A few things that helped me.
Affirmations. Every. Single. Day. For two weeks straight.

Simple concept. You've been brainwashed... into believing you are not worthy. You can certainly brainwash yourself into thinking other things. 

Books:
The Four Agreements. Don Miguel Ruiz. If you want to change your life, make a decision to just follow the four rules.

The Voice Of Knowledge. Don Miguel Ruiz. Eye opening. WHY people are focused on pretty, thin, young. And why it means nothing. 

The Gifts of Imperfection. Brenne Browne. Amazing read, written by a woman. 

It sounds like you are aware of the problem, and want to change how you view yourself. It is totally, completely possible. 

The right book, therapist will connect with you in a way that you break through the LIES you believe about yourself. Don't give up. 
Keep on trying. Good luck to you, peace.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Like the others have said...read some books and get some counseling. I know you have already been there but try it again. Different therapist, different therapy and different time...it will look different. 

Also...start serving others to help feed your soul (church, volunteer, etc). That is a way to build confidence in yourself. It takes that focus off of our selfish "inner analyzing" and allows us to look into others. Really...it works!

Confidence is built but we don't always have it at all times! Allow setbacks and off days. We are human. 

Forgive ourself and forgive others...this may come gradual.


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