# How do you know when you're done?



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I've posted a couple threads about my situation, this is more a general question to anyone thats further along the line from me.

My wife had EA which turned PA. I've always been very pro marriage and took her back a few times after she told me it was really me she wanted. However, she messed me around so many times that after much thought went for divorce. 

Now that we both have legal advice and my wife has agreed to adultry, I got the letter yesterday that I could now file for divorce. On the same day my wife told me that she was moving out next weekend (wife has been sleeping on the couch). Both of these things hit me like a freight train.

I know deep down she loves me, I know I love her but my brain says "run away!". She suffers from depression/anxiety and has moments of clarity where she realises what she is doing, she just doesnt have the strength or courage to stop seeing the OM. She says she is terrified of moving out, she is worried that later on she will regret everything. She still has feelings for me but I dont want her in the house, etc.

I've been getting on with my life, made loads of changes, hitting the gym, making new freinds etc. But losing my wife and 7yr old daughter is a huge, huge blow for me and I'm sick of being 'absolutely sure' divorce is the answer for weeks and then suffering from 'crap - what am I doing?'. My wife's behaviour has been waaaaay off from her old self and its like I'm stuck in some sureal dream.

So, back to my opening statement - how do you know you're doing the right thing? Do I go for seperation and give my wife a chance to come to her senses? Could I even get over what she has put me through? Do I just walk away and not look back? Do I divorce and still be her friend?

I'm not expecting a solid answer by the way!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I am inclined to go for a separation and run a hard Plan B, make it legal with a clause that your child is not allowed to be around the OM , however there does come a time when you as a person cannot take any more and your wife is not going to change. Only you can decide, have a sharp lawyer on the case if she moves in with the OM . You do not want to pretend at being friends if she starts exposing your daughter to her affair man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If it was me, the first question I would want to figure out is if I can forgive and move on from all that has been done. I think from there everything else falls into place.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> ... But losing my wife and 7yr old daughter is a huge, huge blow for me and I'm sick of being 'absolutely sure' divorce is the answer for weeks and then suffering from 'crap - what am I doing?'. My wife's behaviour has been waaaaay off from her old self and its like I'm stuck in some sureal dream.
> 
> So, back to my opening statement - how do you know you're doing the right thing? Do I go for seperation and give my wife a chance to come to her senses? Could I even get over what she has put me through? Do I just walk away and not look back? Do I divorce and still be her friend?


I can summarize this answer for you. You are done when you decide to be. Yes there will be days or moments when you "hesitate" but those are to be expected. Use your mind, make a decision, and stick to that decision. 

I, for one, would never in 80 billion years let my 7 year old daughter move into the house my spouse's lover was renting for their lovenest. I find it appalling that "he won't be moving in there for a while" means that the day is going to come that your 7 year old is living with her parent, while the parent openly commits adultery and everyone acts like that's acceptable. If your spouse wants to move out, they're an adult and there is no stopping them, but putting my daughter into that kind of living situation absolutely WOULD be the hill I would die on. Can I control my spouse? Nope. But I would make darn sure that my daughter understood that leaving a marriage for no reason was not "acceptable" ... that living together with some other person while married was not "acceptable" ... that continuing to do what she knew was wrong was not "acceptable"...and that she did not ever have to subject herself to live like that and had a home that was stable that she could turn to. 

Then again that's just me.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I can summarize this answer for you. You are done when you decide to be. Yes there will be days or moments when you "hesitate" but those are to be expected. Use your mind, make a decision, and stick to that decision.
> 
> I, for one, would never in 80 billion years let my 7 year old daughter move into the house my spouse's lover was renting for their lovenest. I find it appalling that "he won't be moving in there for a while" means that the day is going to come that your 7 year old is living with her parent, while the parent openly commits adultery and everyone acts like that's acceptable. If your spouse wants to move out, they're an adult and there is no stopping them, but putting my daughter into that kind of living situation absolutely WOULD be the hill I would die on. Can I control my spouse? Nope. But I would make darn sure that my daughter understood that leaving a marriage for no reason was not "acceptable" ... that living together with some other person while married was not "acceptable" ... that continuing to do what she knew was wrong was not "acceptable"...and that she did not ever have to subject herself to live like that and had a home that was stable that she could turn to.
> 
> Then again that's just me.


Agreed but I have been in this position and it's not that black and white. If I had said 'you are not taking our son' she would not have just left him. Out of principle if nothing else. She would have told me she is the mother and she had the right etc. Things would have got very ugly very quickly. I'm not sure it would have helped my situation or my son and the fight could well have built such huge divides between us and our families that coming home would never have been an option. Plus while the battle was in full flow I may not have been allowed the 50/50 time with my son. Much easier for women in this situation. I saw a solicitor and he said the affair had no bearing on child's residence. He said it is usual for children to go with mum unless they are perceived to be in danger etc. He said I could perhaps use my wife's depression in my favour. I chose not to do this for lots of reasons 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

> I am inclined to go for a separation and run a hard Plan B, make it legal with a clause that your child is not allowed to be around the OM


I have discussed this with her and she swears she will not introduce him until the divorce is finalised.



> the first question I would want to figure out is if I can forgive and move on


Forgiving her isn't the problem, the problem is that I don't know if she has what it takes to fix the marriage.



> I, for one, would never in 80 billion years let my 7 year old daughter move into the house my spouse's lover was renting for their lovenest


I agree but I_feel_broken pretty much summed it up, dont forget my wife has been a full time mum - there is a very strong bond there. Despite what she has done my daughter loves mummy and would never understand why Daddy was being so mean.

The thing through all of this is that I've never felt angry with her. I feel sorry for her because none of it makes any sense. Not once has she had an open and honest conversation with me. All her reasons for leaving are wafer thin, she is so set on justifying what she has that she doesn't want anything the spoil the fantasy. She has always been very moral and strong in her beliefs, at some point its all going to catch up with her and overwhelm her.

Maybe I'm being too kind but I do worry about her. If she hadn't suffered so much in the past I'd have walked a long time ago.

I haven't confirmed the divorce yet but I feel if I tell her we're only separating then she'll just continue to think of me as backup.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> So, back to my opening statement - how do you know you're doing the right thing? Do I go for seperation and give my wife a chance to come to her senses? Could I even get over what she has put me through? Do I just walk away and not look back? Do I divorce and still be her friend?
> 
> I'm not expecting a solid answer by the way!


In the previous postings, was the question of as to why the EA might have happened discussed? Anyways, as you said, no solid answer to all, but in terms of whether you can get over it, I can tell from my experience that yes you can but it won't be easy. Actually, nothing is easy, but this one is really hard. It was for me. Took a while. It gets much better over a loooong time.

best wishes,
M.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

She is moving out and my feelings are that on current events divorce is the answer. However, if she did genuinely come out of the fog and show true remorse then I'd be prepared to consider alternatives.

Maybe the real question is when do you know if the DS really wants to change? My wife is all over the place emotionally and is still unsure of what she wants. How can you tell if she really wants to leave the marriage or just thinks she does?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Like Affaircare says only you can say when you are done. If it is not killing you and you still have fight in you then I say fight for it. No matter what you will see her for the rest of your life in parenting your daughter. This is only my opinion. If she has moved out maybe Eli is right file seperation papers hard plan B it get your daughter her own limited cell phone so she can have as much contact with you as she needs. Just always confirm you are actually texting her I would go with voice. I have been fooled by that before.

I wish I could offer more but had my situation not improved upon confronting I do not know how i would have handled the rest of the steps.

Maybe the manning up section may help in the mens clubhouse.

If she is all over the place then maybe confronting her again with a more solid plan would benefit, A shock to the system type plan. These are just my thoughts. If she is full time mom and you work Weekdays well IMHO then you should have your daughter every free moment you can schedule while she is in the A. Breaking the morals of the M. Like Eli said get a good lawyer. It sounds like she is stuck. Do what is best for you and your child you are most likely thinking the most logically.
All this input but only you know all the details of your situation. Hang in there good luck. We'll all make it through.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I just knew when I was done. There was just this feeling of "I don't love him anymore, I don't want to be with him, I'm done, I want out." He'd cheated on me enough times that I just didn't even have enough feeling left for him to feel hurt, jealous, angry, anything. 

For me, that knowledge that I was done came when all feeling was gone. So, when I left him and filed for divorce, I didn't have any second thoughts, any regrets, any hesitation. The thing is, though, that's not really normal. I stayed in a bad marriage way too long. Most people do feel some hesitation, some regret, some "what if?" moments. But you move on and end it anyway because you know that in the end, it really is what's best. 

I think, if you're having more "what if?" moments than "I'm done" moments, it might be worth it to continue to seek out ways to repair your marriage. But even while you do that, you should still be prepared to end things or for her to end them, and be ready with a lawyer. If most of the time you're feeling "I'm done" and the "what if?" question only goes through your mind occasionally, that's a sign that you're really probably done. It's pretty rare to make any major life decision without wondering if making the other choice wouldn't be better: marriage, divorce, children, jobs, moving, all of it. You make the decision you think is best, and usually it does work out for the best. And when it is the wrong decision, you do what you can to mitigate the damage and you remember that for the next time you face a similar decision.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Don't file, not yet. Why? 

This.......

" Not once has she had an open and honest conversation with me." 

Until you have that honest conversation. You're not done! 

And you need to waken up to this fantasy statement

"She has always been very moral and strong in her beliefs, at some point its all going to catch up with her and overwhelm her."

She has been living a lie. 

Infidelity is NOT moral. She's proven NOT to be strong.

You say she is all over the place, Well, is it right to be filing a divorce when someone isn't in a good place, particularly as this affects your 7 year old daughter?

Priority No 1. Your daughter. Do what is best for her. Her wellbeing, security is the best point to start with in all of this difficult situation. 

Let wifey figure it out for herself. Keep the lawyers out and let the dust settle.

Wifey can't have her cake and eat it. 

Assert yourself, take control and act in your best interests and your daughter's best welfare. That's my dimes worth.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

So she moved out last weekend and I feel like I'm living in a morgue, memories everywhere and just me to absorb it all. My daughter has been over a couple times which makes it better.

I just dont know what I want right now, I put the montions in place to file so its just a matter of time before the paperwork hits. I was so sure divorce was the answer because of the way my wife trated me over the last 6 months.

However, since moving out I dont feel like I have any purpose any more. My wife and daughter were the world. All I ever wanted was to settle down with my family. If we divorce then no matter how 'good' the person I eventually meet is, we will never have that family unit and that really sucks.

Wife seems like she is fine, I came home today and she was there packing more of her stuff. She greeted me with a Hi and then offered to make me a cup of tea. Tried making small talk about stuff - I just grunted. How can she be so relaxed about the whole thing?

I havent been in contact with her apart from Monday when I texted her if there was any chance my old wife would return or should I just give up hope.

Days before she moved she was trying to hug me, got upset that I didnt seem bothered she was leaving etc. Do you think she is trying to provoke me into a discussion/beg her to stay?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am struggling with that question big time today too Indy.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Sometimes what we view as our biggest strength, others see as our weakness. 

For me, I am an incredibly decisive individual. I know what is acceptable and is not acceptable in my life, however i find that is not the norm with a lot of people. My wife usually doesnt know how she feels about things until she actually feels them. I, on the other hand, Know exactly how I would feel abotu most things before they happen. 

So how do I know when something is over? when it becomes unacceptable. Now if you are asking the question, then you have not clearly defined your boundries to yourself, or your spouse. 

A lot of the threads here deal with " I dont know what to do". That is perfectly reasonable, because people dont plan on their spouses cheating. They are generally blindsided by the news and often get swept away by the emotions; leaving logic for another time. 

I think that the moment we find out, we already know what we are going to do, how long we are willing to do it, and what our boundries are. It is the emotional distress that supresses that knowledge until we have dealt with it. 

The short answer would be "you just know." But be sure you know with your head, not just your heart. 

It is easy to say "i can live with seeing my kid on the weekends". That would be an emotional response. Thinking it through, you would have to ask more questions like "can i handle another man raising my kid?" Once the emotions settle, you WILL figure it all out.


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