# The most painful experience of my life



## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

I've been married for almost 22 years to an incredibly godly woman who finally had enough. I have always been faithful and never hit her. I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict. 

But I am a codependent. I chased her away with my neediness, smothering and controlling behaviors.

She left just over three weeks ago and I am going through the most painful experience of my life. You know the feeling. It's a deep chill that goes to the bone, explodes out of your heart and you feel like you are going to crumble into a million tiny pieces.

The good news is she says divorce is not an option. She moved 5 miles away with my daughter and we are both in counseling.

I have hit my bottom and have never cried so much in my life. I have also never been so serious about my relationship with God and getting my act together with His help. I am reading books, studying my Bible and praying. I think its safe to say I have turned a corner and NEVER want to go back to the way I was.

She must work through a time of healing so that she can forgive me. I must work through a time of healing so I can love her from a place of health and not dysfunction.

The fear in me tells me that she will decide she is happier without me. But I don't see how it is possible for her to be committed to God and then decide to not forgive, or to do something that is contrary to the character of the person she is. So I am attempting to dismiss those fears.

We are determined to be a shining example of what a committed Christian marriage should be, with all our foibles and sin.

I love her very much and am looking forward to the day when I have her back. For now, she says she will be separated from me for at least six months. Considering the first three weeks have felt like an eternity, I'm not sure how I will make it. I guess it will be only by the grace of God.

I am holding out hope that healing will come sooner for both of us. But only God knows.

I am reading books like Codependent No More, which I am finding incredibly useful in identifying many of my behaviors. That allows me to discover the causes of those behaviors. And from there, I can work on those problems. They say awareness is half the battle.

Well, I guess that's enough rambling. 

Question for those who have been separated. I have been through the first few stages of grief during our marriage. Denial that there is a problem... anger that she was already emotionally cutting off from me... bargaining that if she stayed I would change. I have been moving in and out of depression the past few weeks, though God is carrying me.

That leaves me with Acceptance. I feel moments of being in that place.

Here's the question. If I am attempting to embrace the process and accept the reality of the situation, when does the pain greatly decrease? When will my life become my own again and not dependent on my relationship with my wife? Anyone have some insight?

I am glad I found this forum and look forward to hearing from some of you.

Thanks,

Phil "not my real name" Johnson


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and ae learning the why's of all this chaos in the marriage.... separationg is hard, but you are one of the few so far i have read where your other half says "divorce is not an option" which means you guys have a very strong fighting chance, acceptance, understanding, bringing down your walls, and working through all the little things that have been building up will come at its time. 

Most of us here are fighting for the marriage....bu our other half is checked out and has firmly decided they want out" no if's ands or buts) I wish you much strength and luck!


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## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

I'm sorry it is such a struggle for so many. I guess it's all relative.

Even though she says it is "temporary", 6-12 months feels like an eternity.

And what happens if she decides she LIKE being without me? She could change her mind. It would totally violate her character to do so, but she could do it. People can change.

So the fear that she will never come back gets in my craw and becomes an obsession. I worry and fret and worry and fret and cry and worry and cry some more. It feels like my own personal hell...

I have no control. The only thing I can do is respect her boundaries and work on my own stuff. Sigh...

PJ


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