# Do you tell your spouse what to do? (not D/s related)



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I recently heard in thread that "I would never tell my spouse what to do, they are an adult"
I don't disagree with the theory, but we all have weak points and may need a strong voice from the spouse to see it. I think?

So, when you and your SO disagree or at least not fully aligned on a topic, do you TELL them what to do our how to behave or what not to do, etc? How do they respond? What if they don't comply?

I think it can be ok to give or receive directives when a boundary could be crossed. It's happened in my house maybe twice in 20 years.

I'm split on it. I want to be able to say "no don't do that" or "yes do it" if that's how I feel about something.
But if you are at that point in a relationship, where the spouse wants to cross a boundary and doesn't agree with your reasoning, it may already be too late.
Or is this just my beta side doubting?

Exception to the rule: I was visiting (consoling) another lady one time (fully above board, no hanky panky or anything at all). I was in a leadership position that was expected to do this. My wife didn't trust the other lady's intentions and drew a line in the sand. I didn't get it at first and it ticked me off but I complied and now in retrospect and finding out later I know W was right. My younger self didn't see the danger ahead but my wife did.

So good people of TAM what's the right answer?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I am an adult. My husband is an adult. We do not tell each other what to do. I deliberately did NOT marry a man who thought he had the right to tell me what to do, who thought that he mattered more and only his opinion counted, because that would be miserable for me. I wanted to be married to someone who respected me and didn't think I was a moron who needed to be ordered about like a child, and who I respected.

At times when we reached a point where we disagreed on something, we just talked about it and it's been about 50/50 depending on who had the best argument. We use logic to determine what we're going to do, not "I'm the man, what I say goes." No thanks, I don't need a "daddy." I also would never order him around or expect to always get my way regardless of the facts of the situation. Because, again, I'm not a child.



BeyondRepair007 said:


> where the spouse wants to cross a boundary and doesn't agree with your reasoning,


To be perfectly honest, yes, it's too late. If the spouse wants to do something that you previously agreed was unacceptable, you're no longer on the same page. But I don't think the answer is to "tell" them what to do. You can make suggestions, you can express your position. But adults don't tell other adults what to do. If I have to "tell" him not to pal around with some other woman because it's obviously not platonic, then we're WAY off course and as you say, it's likely too late.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I recently heard in thread that "I would never tell my spouse what to do, they are an adult"
> I don't disagree with the theory, but we all have weak points and may need a strong voice from the spouse to see it. I think?
> 
> So, when you and your SO disagree or at least not fully aligned on a topic, do you TELL them what to do our how to behave or what not to do, etc? How do they respond? What if they don't comply?
> ...


I think outside your common goals and protecting the marriage, each partner should have as much freedom within the marriage as possible.
You have to trust your spouse to guard themselves, until you have evidence otherwise that they are not willing to guard themselves and protect the marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

There have been a lot of threads here over the years in which it is relayed that the wife tells the husband what to do, orders him around, dictates his schedule, tells him what he is going to do and when. Even one wife who "made" her husband kneel on rice.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

We have never run into a situation where one of us had a need to outright say don't do something. The closest to this would be saying something like, "I really wish you wouldn't do that." I think with enough mutual respect there will not be any need to command your spouse to do something. If I want to do something that my wife is clearly bothered by I will self regulate and not do it, before she ever has a need to explicitly say no, don't do it. We always just ask the other person if they are okay with it. My wife might say, "hey I'm going out for a drink with the girls after work today, are you okay with that, any plans I forgot about?" 

Bossing around your spouse is not a healthy marriage dynamic. I would bet that most couples married more than a couple years have a pretty solid idea of what their spouse does and doesn't want them to do.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> There have been a lot of threads here over the years in which it is relayed that the wife tells the husband what to do, orders him around, dictates his schedule, tells him what he is going to do and when. Even one wife who "made" her husband kneel on rice.


That sounds more like a Dom/Sub relationship than a marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That sounds more like a Dom/Sub relationship than a marriage.


It was just toxic and abusive.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I am an adult. My husband is an adult. We do not tell each other what to do. I deliberately did NOT marry a man who thought he had the right to tell me what to do, who thought that he mattered more and only his opinion counted, because that would be miserable for me. I wanted to be married to someone who respected me and didn't think I was a moron who needed to be ordered about like a child, and who I respected.
> 
> At times when we reached a point where we disagreed on something, we just talked about it and it's been about 50/50 depending on who had the best argument. We use logic to determine what we're going to do, not "I'm the man, what I say goes." No thanks, I don't need a "daddy." I also would never order him around or expect to always get my way regardless of the facts of the situation. Because, again, I'm not a child.
> 
> ...


The scenarios I was thinking of are not of the "Controlling Spouse" variety where one partner is routinely telling another how to behave.

More so I was thinking of those extreme or unusual situations.

In my example in the OP, if my wife had not taken a hard stand, I potentially could have been divorced now. (Making a lot of assumptions of course)
Playing that out the way that it did feels like the best way given the situation. Meaning that I made mistakes to put us there, but her putting her foot down fixed everything.
Would there be a better way given the situation?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> In my example in the OP, if my wife had not taken a hard stand, I potentially could have been divorced now. (Making a lot of assumptions of course)
> Playing that out the way that it did feels like the best way given the situation. Meaning that I made mistakes to put us there, but her putting her foot down fixed everything.
> Would there be a better way given the situation?


In the situation you describe, it sounds like your wife saw something with her "spidey sense" that you didn't see. It troubles me that you think you could be divorced now, because that implies that when that women made her "move" you would have complied; that's a question only you can answer. 

As others have said, there is a difference between "Do what I say" and "I am uncomfortable with this" or "this crosses a boundary for me." In those cases, tone and delivery are everything. In a situation like yours, I could say "I am uncomfortable with this, and it worries me" and the next action my H took would tell me everything I needed to know. I would never deliberately do anything to hurt him. If he knew I was unhappy and did it anyway, that tells me how he views me, and informs MY next action. Does that help or is it a giant word salad? 😉


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> We have never run into a situation where one of us had a need to outright say don't do something. The closest to this would be saying something like, "I really wish you wouldn't do that." I think with enough mutual respect there will not be any need to command your spouse to do something. If I want to do something that my wife is clearly bothered by I will self regulate and not do it, before she ever has a need to explicitly say no, don't do it. We always just ask the other person if they are okay with it. My wife might say, "hey I'm going out for a drink with the girls after work today, are you okay with that, any plans I forgot about?"
> 
> Bossing around your spouse is not a healthy marriage dynamic. I would bet that most couples married more than a couple years have a pretty solid idea of what their spouse does and doesn't want them to do.


I agree. And from the vantage point of an older/wiser me, all of this makes sense.

But

Does that mean it's wrong for the younger, I-don't-know-where-all-the-boundaries are generation?
Given that this is not a 'boss your spouse around' type of question but more of a 'this could end our relationship if you do it' type of thing.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It troubles me that you think you could be divorced now, because that implies that when that women made her "move" you would have complied; that's a question only you can answer.


Yea, I get that. That's why I said a lot of assumptions (about bad behavior) had to made there. I never would have done x but not closing the door does leave it open.



TexasMom1216 said:


> Does that help or is it a giant word salad? 😉


Ha ha. I get it. No word salad.

I can get behind your view. "Tone and Delivery are everything" you said.

That makes sense to me
Pointing out 'Here's the line. If you cross we are in jeopardy' is different than 'Here's the line. Don't cross it'.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Pointing out 'Here's the line. If you cross we are in jeopardy' is different than 'Here's the line. Don't cross it'.


Exactly. One is how adults talk respectfully with one another. The other is a parent to a child.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Exactly. One is how adults talk respectfully with one another. The other is a parent to a child.


Then you get into the whole "I don't like the way you're talking to me" issue..."I don't like your tone" "you can't tell me what do to" (regardless of how it was intended).
Ugh, I don't wanna go there, I goof that up plenty.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I agree. And from the vantage point of an older/wiser me, all of this makes sense.
> 
> But
> 
> ...


Boundaries and controlling someone's actions are two different things. If one spouse has a hard boundary that isn't already know then they need to speak up. Even in those cases you shouldn't simply say, "you aren't allowed to do that." As @TexasMom1216 said the directive statement are for your kids. It would be more like, "I'm not comfortable with you going to solo lunches with your secretary, she is far too flirty with you."


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Then you get into the whole "I don't like the way you're talking to me" issue..."I don't like your tone" "you can't tell me what do to" (regardless of how it was intended).
> Ugh, I don't wanna go there, I goof that up plenty.


We _still _have discussions about tone. Especially now that our son is a teenager, there are a LOT of discussions around how we express ourselves respectfully.  You always have to think about how your words and tone are going to sound, and you also have to remember who you're talking to and give them the benefit of the doubt that they are NOT trying to hurt you and maybe they're just frustrated (three guesses which of us has THAT problem, and the first two don't count 😉).


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Boundaries and controlling someone's actions are two different things. If one spouse has a hard boundary that isn't already know then they need to speak up. Even in those cases you shouldn't simply say, "you aren't allowed to do that." As @TexasMom1216 said the directive statement are for your kids. It would be more like, "I'm not comfortable with you going to solo lunches with your secretary, she is far too flirty with you."


Got it... wording and delivery is everything.

Taking that one step further because I don't mind poking the bear...

Is it the speaker's obligation to understand and shape a message for the receiver?

Isn't that what we do in the overly-PC world? People getting offended by everything I say so now I have to change my words?

Maybe it's not fair to mix interpersonal communication with social communication?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Is it the speaker's obligation to understand and shape a message for the receiver?


In the context of marriage, I think both the sender and receiver have an obligation to craft and understand the message from a constructive place.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Got it... wording and delivery is everything.
> 
> Taking that one step further because I don't mind poking the bear...
> 
> ...


@TexasMom1216 got it right as far as I'm concerned. The speaker should be free to speak their mind, but should consider who they are talking to, their teammate not an adversary. Likewise the receiver needs to understand the message is coming from a teammate not an adversary and even if the message is conveyed poorly they should know it is coming from a good place.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> In the context of marriage, I think both the sender and receiver have an obligation to craft and understand the message from a constructive place.


Yea, I agree. After a couple minutes I realized I was over-generalizing.
I shouldn't write down the first thing I think.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You don’t tell your partner what to do. You just express your opinion.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Imagining my life having to come home from work to frequent discussions about tone, good lord I'd want to throw myself off the highest building in town.

One spouse is always telling the other spouse what to do, no matter what method they use, either directly or indirectly. It's more refreshing to just be honest about it. And if they can't take your honesty and don't like your tone just consider yourself lucky and that you've dodged a bullet.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

gaius said:


> Imagining my life having to come home from work to frequent discussions about tone, good lord I'd want to throw myself off the highest building in town.



I had to do that for a couple years.
My wife is rather sensitive. Her main love language is Words of Affirmation and being direct comes with risk of her being hurt.

But we're past all that now. I'm more aware of the mines in the minefield and she's aware that I will blow one up from time to time accidentally.
Happy medium I would say.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

It’s relatively subjective. 
see what I did there ? 😂


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I dont know about directly telling or demanding things of their spouse but one person does have to be the leader in the relationship.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Livvie said:


> There have been a lot of threads here over the years in which it is relayed that the wife tells the husband what to do, orders him around, dictates his schedule, tells him what he is going to do and when. Even one wife who "made" her husband kneel on rice.


Wow. I’d forgotten that story. Kneel on rice in the corner with the children, IIRC, because they were all being punished for something. Tiger Mom, I think he called her. He was a SAHD. My guess is they’re still together — at least they were the last time he posted some time ago (which was a number of years after the “punishment”). The stuff people put up with.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Well, I usually refrain from giving my wife orders. I make suggestions periodically. Wife tries to tell me what to do in some instances, and I remind her she would have made a good general in the Corps...... I sometimes refer to her as “she who must be obeyed”...particularly when I am on my boat. I bought mine a hat that says “Admiral”. She asked me why not a captains hat? I said you need a higher rank.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

If something I’m about to do crosses a boundary for my partner then hell yes I want them to tell me. Ultimately it will be my choice whether I listen or not. 

There are consequences for our actions and if I’m about to do something that will cause consequences that I’m not aware of, I would want my partner to tell me. 

Our actions can cause damage, they can hurt our partners and damage the relationship in a big way. So yes, please stop me before I make a mistake. Ultimately though, the choice is like to listen.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

My brother is this super nice, oblivious man whose threshold to happiness is really low. he doesn’t naturally see things that need to be done, or sees the big picture or whatever. (He’s getting way better). But my sister in law who can be quite blunt made him a honey-do list. And I was kinda offended for his sake. And he was so happy with it. He didn’t take it personal, he acknowledged that he doesn’t know what needs to be done bc he isn’t use to “running a house”. 

So my SIL tells him what to do a lot. And he doesn’t care, he’s super happy and doesn’t take offense to it and knows she comes from a good place. And if he can’t, he will say no. 


I know this isn’t exactly what the OP was talking about, just made me think of it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I also wanted to say… and I definitely need to take this advice, is that we should all kinda speak less to make what we have to say more important. 

Someone who complains non stop isn’t going to get across the seriousness of the situation when it actually arises. When someone never tells their partner what to do…. Suddenly does, I think it would be respected more. It’s all the boy who cried wolf.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> If something I’m about to do crosses a boundary for my partner then hell yes I want them to tell me. Ultimately it will be my choice whether I listen or not.
> 
> There are consequences for our actions and if I’m about to do something that will cause consequences that I’m not aware of, I would want my partner to tell me.
> 
> Our actions can cause damage, they can hurt our partners and damage the relationship in a big way. So yes, please stop me before I make a mistake. Ultimately though, the choice is like to listen.


I'm kind of like you here, I don't mind so much if my wife tells me to do or not do something, even if it's pretty directly saying it instead of softening her words.

She really doesn't do that, we don't have that kind of problem. But in the few times she was "direct" in her requests, I either did or didn't do it. And her actions didn't bother me, I just knew she was passionate about it and that factored into how I responded.

I think some people getting really upended by this whole topic.
I started this thread out of curiosity, and to reinforce or re-write my own guardrails. NOT to apply to other people.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Well, I usually refrain from giving my wife orders. I make suggestions periodically. Wife tries to tell me what to do in some instances, and I remind her she would have made a good general in the Corps...... I sometimes refer to her as “she who must be obeyed”...particularly when I am on my boat. I bought mine a hat that says “Admiral”. She asked me why not a captains hat? I said you need a higher rank.


Ha, I need a hat. 
I have a similar dynamic.
I like the MMSLP analogy of Captain & #1. I'm Captain P and we both know it but sometimes #1 (W) is at the helm and I'm ok with that.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

My initial thought, upon reading the OP, was "I would NEVER tell my Beloved Buddhist what to do!" To my mind, he's a free adult, and it's not my job to be telling him what to do--no one died and made me queen! LOL

But I think there are some subtleties here. 

First is boundaries. A boundary isn't "YOU can't do XYZ." A boundary is "I do not choose to be with a partner who does XYZ." Other people can do whatever they choose--and they will do it--but I do have control over ME, and I can choose who I will and will not be with. So @Emerging Buddhist and I have our 3 core values we live by: don't lie, cheat or steal. Well... in real life, he is free to lie if he chooses. I can't stop him and would be controlling him if I tried to stop him! *BUT *(and this is a very big but), I CAN choose to not associate with someone who has a pattern of choosing to lie. So the way I see a boundary issue is that people can choose whatever they want to choose--they are completely free--but if they want my company and a close relationship with me, I can choose who I do and do not have that with, and I don't have that with a person who lies, cheats, or steals. If EB were about to cross one of my boundaries, or I one of his, I would want him to tell me so I can avoid it...yet that's because I choose his company and a close relationship with him. Make sense? There is a fine line distinction. 

Second is the instance above like @Girl_power 's brother. He's floating through life happy and oblivious to the things that need to be done to run a household, so his wife "tells him what to do." And yet, she's not being bossy and trying to gain power over him--I think she's doing it more like an executive assistant. The intent isn't "My Way or the Highway" but rather, "Here's a list to help you keep on track or remember what to do" and from the description it sounds like what they've agreed works for them as a couple. Maybe she's super-organized and since that's one of her skills, they work as a team that way. Again, it's a fine line distinction.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

There’s a negative connotation with telling people what to do, and I can see why that is, especially in the sense of nagging, and dictating, and trying to control. 

But I also think that it can be very kind and loving to tell someone what to do, in a nudging kind of way. 

My parents have this weird toxic relationship we’re they enable each other’s bad habits so much because they don’t want the other person to tell them what to do, so they don’t tell the other what to do. 

My friends husband has gained an insane amount of weight. He is really lazy, and drinks a lot of alcohol. I don’t think that would ever happen to me, because I would 100% not let my partner get that way, because that’s not love in my opinion. And the thing is… what he does on a daily is very obviously going to lead to depression, and clearly physical problems. So when you see your partner starting to go downhill a little, in the little things, I think it’s good to nudge them a little. Yes it’s their life. But we also are a team and we should look at the overall big picture.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Ha, I need a hat.
> I have a similar dynamic.
> I like the MMSLP analogy of Captain & #1. I'm Captain P and we both know it but sometimes #1 (W) is at the helm and I'm ok with that.


My wife would never have made it as an enlisted. She would have needed to start a general LOL.

She always tries to tell me how to drive my boat, how to dock my boat, how to handle wakes from other craft. So, one day, while she was in her “control mode”, I simply made a hard right and had my Tri toon up at about a 45% angle, and she got the point....Sarge has it under control.

I let her park the boat the first time and she thought it would be like pulling into a parking space. I explained to her it was a controlled bump. She went into forward and reverse numerous times and finally told me to park it.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I had to do that for a couple years.
> My wife is rather sensitive. Her main love language is Words of Affirmation and being direct comes with risk of her being hurt.
> 
> But we're past all that now. I'm more aware of the mines in the minefield and she's aware that I will blow one up from time to time accidentally.
> Happy medium I would say.


I think a lot of people would get less sensitive if they just had more practice being around honesty. But they shield themselves from it like it causes cancer or something.

Keep stepping on her mines, it will do her good.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Wow. I’d forgotten that story. Kneel on rice in the corner with the children, IIRC, because they were all being punished for something. Tiger Mom, I think he called her. He was a SAHD. My guess is they’re still together — at least they were the last time he posted some time ago (which was a number of years after the “punishment”). The stuff people put up with.


The funny thing is if you asked her she'd probably deny she was bossy or overbearing. Pretty much all the women like that I know sound exactly like Texas mom.

It's been like three hours since I read that post and the thought of her son and husband being constantly lectured on tone is still giving me chills.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> The scenarios I was thinking of are not of the "Controlling Spouse" variety where one partner is routinely telling another how to behave.
> 
> More so I was thinking of those extreme or unusual situations.
> 
> ...


I do think there are occasional situations such as you describe when there may be a need for one spouse to have a clear boundary and keep to it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> As others have said, there is a difference between "Do what I say" and "I am uncomfortable with this" or "this crosses a boundary for me." In those cases, tone and delivery are everything. In a situation like yours, I could say "I am uncomfortable with this, and it worries me" and the next action my H took would tell me everything I needed to know.


Exactly. It's all in the delivery. Big difference between "I don't want you to do that" and "I forbid you to do that".

I married my husband, not my father. I have no desire to be his mother either. 

We are on the same page about all the big things, and if a scenario were to come where either of us expressed our discomfort/upset if the other were to do it, we just simply wouldn't do it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I do think there are occasional situations such as you describe when there may be a need for one spouse to have a clear boundary and keep to it.


Having a boundary and holding to it is very different from trying to control your spouse by ordering them what to do/not do.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

frusdil said:


> I married my husband, not my father. I have no desire to be his mother either.


I find it disturbing when men want a woman who is basically a mental child. It’s pretty gross, to be honest.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Livvie said:


> There have been a lot of threads here over the years in which it is relayed that the wife tells the husband what to do, orders him around, dictates his schedule, tells him what he is going to do and when. Even one wife who "made" her husband kneel on rice.


Omg kneel on rice? I'd like to read that thread. That's crazy. Was it dry or cooked rice? I'm guessing dry? Hope he left her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Omg kneel on rice? I'd like to read that thread. That's crazy. Was it dry or cooked rice? I'm guessing dry? Hope he left her.


He didn’t.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I recently heard in thread that "I would never tell my spouse what to do, they are an adult"
> I don't disagree with the theory, but we all have weak points and may need a strong voice from the spouse to see it. I think?
> 
> So, when you and your SO disagree or at least not fully aligned on a topic, do you TELL them what to do our how to behave or what not to do, etc? How do they respond? What if they don't comply?
> ...


Mostly I agree.

There have been a couple times though where I took control of a situation and not only told Mrs. Conan what to do but her whole family as well.

When we first got together, her family still wanted her to make up with her ex. He was mentally and emotionally abusive and even tried to bring his mistress home to live with them at one point. He was an ass and she wasn't going back but he was also intimidating and charismatic. He had her family under his spell and they wouldn't quit harassing her with phone calls. Mrs. Conan has never been good at confrontation and is also a very nice and generous lady by nature so she wasn't handling the harassment from her family and ex well.

I cut her off from them and also her ex. I didn't allow them to talk with her or her ex to have access to her either.

They all had to go through me until they started behaving. Her health was suffering and I had had enough. So yeah, I told her she couldn't talk to any of them or her ex for a while.

There was also a time that I was sick for a long time and wouldn't go to the clinic.

Mrs. C recruited my mom and they both told me what to do and I got sent to the clinic anyway and I did get better. I was being really stubborn about it and wasn't thinking clearly.

I had gotten so thin that my ribs were showing through my back.

So I mostly agree with the idea of not telling your spouse what to do with the caveat that sometimes, it really might be for their own good.🙂


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Openminded said:


> He didn’t.


This is sad. Any type of abuse is not OK. Hope he is OK. If anyone is in an abusive relationship please leave when it's safe to do so.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> This is sad. Any type of abuse is not OK. Hope he is OK. If anyone is in an abusive relationship please leave when it's safe to do so.


He needs to learn how to spank.😉


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## Dillinger (12 mo ago)

I wonder what authority a partner would be claiming to tell the other one what to do.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I suppose I'm constantly telling my partner what to do. I don't boss him around, demean him or be condescending but yeah, there are almost daily "Honey can you please do X?" requests (that aren't really requests). My husband is not a guy who exercises initiative domestically which surprises me given his other accomplishments in life. 

We tried the other way with me staying silent & hoping he'd figure out what has to be done. but that doesn't happen. If I don't point blank point out exactly what needs to be done, it rarely gets done. 

I seethed in silence for the 1st year of our marriage wondering if I did the right thing by marrying him. When it came to a head his solution was for me to just tell him what I wanted & he'd do it. 

It works for us.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Livvie said:


> _*There have been a lot of threads here over the years in which it is relayed that the wife tells the husband what to do, orders him around, dictates his schedule, tells him what he is going to do and when. Even one wife who "made" her husband kneel on rice.*_



Did she say what kind of rice worked best?

Asking for a friend.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Dillinger said:


> I wonder what authority a partner would be claiming to tell the other one what to do.


Pretty much every major religion requires women be subjugated. That’s usually where that “authority” comes from.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Pretty much every major religion requires women be subjugated. That’s usually where that “authority” comes from.


A big reason I'm not into organized religion. 


However, in the story that generated that post the person being forced to kneel on rice for being a bad boy was the husband.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Pretty much every major religion requires women be subjugated. That’s usually where that “authority” comes from.


I agree that most religions support a patriarchal view of the world.
I also do think that it's often misunderstood in terms of what that means and how it plays out in a relationship.
I can only speak for Christianity there.

But to the point of authority, it should not come from an external source like religion or law.

Authority over me by my wife is given willingly by me.
Same thing applies in reverse.

I don't have any "right" to that authority over her she gives it willingly out of love and mutual respect.
And she can pull it back anytime if I abuse it, in fact that's expected.
Same thing applies in reverse.

This works fine as long as we both have the others best interest at heart and allow for missteps along the way.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> However, in the story that generated that post the person being forced to kneel on rice for being a bad boy was the husband.


I know nothing about the origins of the story (I can't see the original posts about this on this thread even) but that's not a religious thing. That's just a crazy person being really mean, controlling and cruel. If she made children do it, it's a law enforcement issue. Also I'd like to punch her, but two wrongs don't make a right.


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