# How did we get here?



## tommy2984

I've been with my wife for 12+ years, married for almost 5. We have a 2 year old little girl who we absolutely adore, she's the light of our world. I can honestly say my I full hearty love my wife.

Lately, we've been off and we've had some real discussions about why and how we got here. We both take blame in the current situation but she had recently told me that she loves me but isn't sure if she's in love with me anymore. She's also confessed that she has a crush on a co-worker but would never act on those feeling because she's married. We've agreed to seek marriage counseling but I'm just so confused on how to feel or act around her now. 

I guess I just looking for some advice or someone to talk about it because I'm confused/hurt/angry/sad/anxious ...... Please help


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## niceguy47460

Welcome to TAM . 

If this is sudden that she told you this . then there is more to the story then she is telling you . 10 out of 10 times there always is . she has been with him . i would start digging my friend . look at her phone and watch her see if she is coming home later then she should .


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## jorgegene

that's the trouble with modern 'me, me, me' thinking; 'falling out of love' which means the feelings of passion have faded, we want to give up.

those feelings can be reckoned with and even rekindled with therapy. but both spouses have to accept the commitment they made when taking vows.

it's a long distance race, not a sprint. this is what we forget.


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## BioFury

tommy2984 said:


> I've been with my wife for 12+ years, married for almost 5. We have a 2 year old little girl who we absolutely adore, she's the light of our world. I can honestly say my I full hearty love my wife.
> 
> Lately, we've been off and we've had some real discussions about why and how we got here. We both take blame in the current situation but she had recently told me that she loves me but isn't sure if she's in love with me anymore. She's also confessed that she has a crush on a co-worker but would never act on those feeling because she's married. We've agreed to seek marriage counseling but I'm just so confused on how to feel or act around her now.
> 
> I guess I just looking for some advice or someone to talk about it because I'm confused/hurt/angry/sad/anxious ...... Please help


You need to read the books "His Needs, Her Needs", and "Married Man Sex Life Primer" as soon as possible.

What kind of shape are you in? What do you do for work? If you had to describe your sex life with your wife in two words from your perspective, and then from her perspective, what would they be?

Her freely confessing about her coworker is promising, in that she didn't try to hide it. But, this either means she has not yet done anything inappropriate with him, or she's so far gone, that she doesn't care that you know about him and her.

I'd recommend you put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car, as well as GPS tracking. Keep an eye on her, see if things add up, or if she's lying about where she's going, who's she's talking to, etc.


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## niceguy47460

I think she has been with this coworker and she is not sure how things will play out with him . so she has told hubby about this so she can use hubby as plan B . 

I also would gps her car and put VARs anywhere she may talk to him on the phone . and check her phone


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## 3Xnocharm

She has already left you in her mind. She is already in deep with the coworker and just doesnt have the balls to say so.


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## tommy2984

this is going to sound naive but I don't really believe in the VAR and snooping method. I found out about the co-worker by mistakenly reading an email chain between her and her girlfriend. We both have broken a certain level of trust and I don't want to damage that anymore. I confronted her about the email and she explained it was just a feeling and nothing has happened but again I feel somewhat betrayed. We have the same schedules so she I do believe her when she tells me this. I'm hoping the therapy will work but I definitely feel a certain distance between us ...... IDK


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## 3Xnocharm

tommy2984 said:


> this is going to sound naive but I don't really believe in the VAR and snooping method. I found out about the co-worker by mistakenly reading an email chain between her and her girlfriend. We both have broken a certain level of trust and I don't want to damage that anymore. I confronted her about the email and she explained it was just a feeling and nothing has happened but again I feel somewhat betrayed. We have the same schedules so she I do believe her when she tells me this. I'm hoping the therapy will work but I definitely feel a certain distance between us ...... IDK


Sir you are going to have to snap out of this nice guy mentality if you want the actual TRUTH. Because she isnt going to give you the full truth, she has already LIED to you about the email you found. Just go into the Coping with Infidelity section of this forum and read through some of the threads. Please listen to the people here. You are on the same schedule, is that your way of saying that she doesnt have TIME to cheat on you? Because that is a total LIE that betrayed spouses tell themselves every time they come here. There is ALWAYS time, because the cheaters make the time. There are others, too... she isnt like that; she would never do that; she hates cheaters. 

You need to DIG and you need to do it without her knowing.


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## Mr.Married

I hate to say it...I really do. These stories almost NEVER end well. We have all seen it time and time and time again on this forum.

You have no idea how many people on here have said she/he isn't like that and would never cheat.

Then a couple days later after the first post.....BAM...they get punched in the gut and the ugly truth comes out.


I'll offer this as a hard lesson: Your going to have to decide if you can live with always being second place while she is looking for number one.

Do yourself a favor and don't be that guy.

The truth is coming...prepare yourself.


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## Malaise

tommy2984 said:


> this is going to sound naive but I don't really believe in the VAR and snooping method. I found out about the co-worker by mistakenly reading an email chain between her and her girlfriend. *We both have broken a certain level of trust *and I don't want to damage that anymore. I confronted her about the email and she explained it was just a feeling and nothing has happened but again I feel somewhat betrayed. We have the same schedules so she I do believe her when she tells me this. I'm hoping the therapy will work but I definitely feel a certain distance between us ...... IDK


You don't seriously equate "mistakenly reading an email chain between her and her girlfriend" with your W having a 'crush' , at least, with a co-worker. Do you?


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## Mr.Married

Malaise said:


> You don't seriously equate "mistakenly reading an email chain between her and her girlfriend" with your W having a 'crush' , at least, with a co-worker. Do you?




The part where she said she wasn't in love with him anymore is a clue


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## tommy2984

I'm not sure what to think or equate anymore, I never heard her think/talk like that 

She never she wasn't in love with anymore, she said she loves me but isn't sure if she's in love with me. She seems really confused about what she wants right now and this why we're going to a therapist


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## pbj2016

Malaise said:


> You don't seriously equate "mistakenly reading an email chain between her and her girlfriend" with your W having a 'crush' , at least, with a co-worker. Do you?




I think you need to reread for comprehension. He found about the coworker by coming across an email chain his wife and his wife’s friend where they were discussing the coworker. 

OP seriously you need to wake up. The “I love you but not in love with you” means you were the only one still in this relationship.


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## Malaise

tommy2984 said:


> I'm not sure what to think or equate anymore, I never heard her think/talk like that
> 
> She never she wasn't in love with anymore,* she said she loves me but isn't sure if she's in love with me.* She seems really confused about what she wants right now and this why we're going to a therapist


If you spend some time in the CWI section you'll find the bolded to be one of the classic red flags.


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## Marc878

At this time you may not be fully aware of what you're dealing with. Not a good place to be.

I agree with others the ILYBNILWY is a huge red flag.

IN just about all theses cases you will get lies and denials.

Putting yourself in a situation of not really knowing what's going on won't help you much.

I suspect you'll go down the path of playing the "pick me dance" or trying to nice her back which just lowers your status and works against you.

I hope you wake up. You need on very qickly.


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## StillSearching

tommy2984 said:


> I've been with my wife for 12+ years, married for almost 5. We have a 2 year old little girl who we absolutely adore, she's the light of our world. I can honestly say my I full hearty love my wife.
> 
> Lately, we've been off and we've had some real discussions about why and how we got here. We both take blame in the current situation but *she had recently told me that she loves me but isn't sure if she's in love with me anymore*. She's also confessed that she has a crush on a co-worker but would never act on those feeling because she's married. We've agreed to seek marriage counseling but I'm just so confused on how to feel or act around her now.
> 
> I guess I just looking for some advice or someone to talk about it because I'm confused/hurt/angry/sad/anxious ...... Please help


This is not good news.
She would never act??.....
Most WS say these exact words before DDay.


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## Marc878

Marc878 said:


> At this time you may not be fully aware of what you're dealing with. Not a good place to be.
> 
> I agree with others the ILYBNILWY is a huge red flag.
> 
> IN just about all theses cases you will get lies and denials.
> 
> Putting yourself in a situation of not really knowing what's going on won't help you much.
> 
> I suspect you'll go down the path of playing the "pick me dance" or trying to nice her back which just lowers your status and works against you.
> 
> I hope you wake up. You need to very qickly.


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## Marc878

Don't make the mistake of projecting.

I love her so she must love me too thing. Her actions tell you she isn't on the same page.


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## Chaparral

In the thousands of threads I have read here I haven’t seen one when the ILYUBNILWU speech did not end in adultery.

Have you checked to see how many messages she has been sending her “friend”? 

Workplace affairs can go on for years without getting caught. Where does she eat lunch? If she goes to work but skips or leaves early, how do you know?

You are in denial. Get a Sony voice recorder at Walmart for about 50 bucks and Velcro it under her seat. You owe it to your daughter to protect your family. If this hasn’t already gone physical you may save your marriage. Several folks here have caught things before they get out of hand.

Is he married?


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## Chaparral

Btw, if she swears on her daughter’s life she didn’t do anything, you can go ahead and get a lawyer and file.


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## StillSearching

tommy2984 said:


> I'm not sure what to think or equate anymore, I never heard her think/talk like that
> 
> She never she wasn't in love with anymore, she said she loves me but isn't sure if she's in love with me. She seems really confused about what she wants right now and this why we're going to a therapist


Tommy...she's already cheating.
She's confused because she's crossed the line, and still wants you too. A little bit. Cake Eating they call it.
You have every right to snoop. You deserve the TRUTH.
She will never tell you the truth without major steps on your own.
I'm not talking about Marriage Counseling. I been there 4 times.
A lot of WS wait to confess to cheating while at the therapist. Be ready.

You came here because in your mind you know she's cheating.


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## Marc878

You should read this thoroughly. It's short and should help you.

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy/page/n1


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## niceguy47460

Tommy start snooping . all the things she is saying and doing is huge red flags . she is cheating . she thinks you will not snoop any more but you have to if you want the truth . trust the people here they all know this all to well . i would say they all have been through this just as i have . does she hide her phone from you when she gets a text . if so she is doing something she doesn't want you to see . people here will give you all the advice you need . and that girlfriend is on her side . if you have access to the email account look at all the emails between them not just one .

You might even want to show up at her work at lunch time and watch her . you now have to be a pi and find what you can .


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## Tasorundo

Tommy, you don't need to feel one bit guilty about reading the email. If she is making you feel guilty, she is gas lighting you.

You need to get to the bottom of it and you need to snoop unfortunately. The odds of her just telling you the truth are worse than the power ball.


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## SuburbanDad

"Lately, we've been off and we've had some real discussions about why and how we got here"

That's your gut telling you something is seriously out of balance. Think back to when you first had this feeling. This is when it started

Always trust your gut


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## BioFury

tommy2984 said:


> I'm not sure what to think or equate anymore, I never heard her think/talk like that
> 
> She never she wasn't in love with anymore, she said she loves me but isn't sure if she's in love with me. She seems really confused about what she wants right now and this why we're going to a therapist


You need to un-confuse her really fast if you want to keep this woman. Did you purchase the books I mentioned in my first post?

What kind of physical condition are you in? Who would you say is in better shape, you or your wife?


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## BluesPower

tommy2984 said:


> this is going to sound naive but I don't really believe in the VAR and snooping method. I found out about the co-worker by mistakenly reading an email chain between her and her girlfriend. We both have broken a certain level of trust and I don't want to damage that anymore. I confronted her about the email and she explained it was just a feeling and nothing has happened but again I feel somewhat betrayed. We have the same schedules so she I do believe her when she tells me this. I'm hoping the therapy will work but I definitely feel a certain distance between us ...... IDK


Yeah, this not only sounds naïve, it is NAIVE... 

My brother, you need to listen to the people on this site. 

Odds are, not say that it is, that she is already having an affair. At the very least, she is having a Emotional Affair (EA) and that is taking her feelings away from you. 

You would do well to wake up and stop being "Mr. Nice Guy".


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## sunsetmist

I would suggest that you ask your wife to leave this job for the sake of your marriage. See how she reacts. 

Also, look up and read about limerence--otherwise known as 'I'm confused fog."


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## sunsetmist

"I guess I just looking for some advice or someone to talk about it because I'm confused/hurt/angry/sad/anxious ....."

Your feelings are NORMAL. Make sure she knows how she has made you feel while she is crushing. If she would not act because she is married, it seems to me she needs to act to make sure nothing new happens. We often call a crush an EA depending of how far this has gone, but if she is 'not in love with you' that is already too far! She should have taken actions before she got this far and hurt you and her family.


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