# Separation Etiquette



## WisenUpper (Apr 14, 2013)

Hi all. 

This is my first post. I want to know if anyone has heard of a cheating spouse who decides he wants out of a very long term marriage, however, he proceeds to start moving kitchen and other household items about a month before moving day to the new house, and then on moving day, just before he moves everything including the dog and cat into a big truck with his brother and son to help him, he tells me "You're not coming." 

So he leaves me, the still-in-shock spouse with no house, no furniture, and literally nowhere to go and no friends or family to stay with.

Background, both my H, the cheating spouse and me, the dumbfounded spouse, were planning on moving, however with big reservations about where the marriage was going.

Apparently at some point, my H, the cheating spouse decided he wanted to "live alone" (ha ya right) and being the strong manly-man type, I guess he couldn't get up the nerve to tell me of his change of plans until the morning the moving truck came along with his backup boys.

To say I was taken aback a bit is an understatement, I was actually quite angry at first and in shock. The way he told me that I wasn't coming was so odd, underhanded, and almost whispered under his breath when he told me at the last second that, well, it left me not thinking straight. Not straight enough to tell him he can only take his clothes and get the hell out. (Hindsight is....)

Anyway, it seems to me that most people who want to leave a marriage, especially after having an affair, it is that person who leaves and moves elsewhere, normally. 

Or in the very least, the couple can discuss things like normal adults do.

Do cheating husbands (or cheating wives) do things this weird and do it a way that is so oblivious to reality, like living arrangements, financial considerations, and do it without thinking how mean it is to do to the other person and really think it's OK? It's like we never were married or knew each other.

Thanks for any input. BTW, I'm not in shock like i was but I sure I had the where-with-all back when this shocking moment happened. 

Also, I did call our MC and she told me he said he'd rent me apartment in town. I told her "well, he didn't tell me or talk to me about anything and why would I want to live in a an apartment anyway? He didn't tell me this until he opened the door for moving buddies and truck."

Sign me, whatever


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Wow, i dont have much advice other than to welcome you to TAM, I'm sure you will get some great advice and insight.

Your situation seems pretty damn low even by the standards we see here but the basic blindness to the reality of their actions and lack of consideration and thought all fall very much into typical cheating spouse behaviour. While typical his seems pretty extreme.

I hope you have soemwhere to go while you investigate your rights. Whose name(s) are on the new property?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Have you contacted a lawyer?


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## WisenUpper (Apr 14, 2013)

K.C. said:


> Wow, i dont have much advice other than to welcome you to TAM, I'm sure you will get some great advice and insight.
> 
> Your situation seems pretty damn low even by the standards we see here but the basic blindness to the reality of their actions and lack of consideration and thought all fall very much into typical cheating spouse behaviour. While typical his seems pretty extreme.
> 
> I hope you have soemwhere to go while you investigate your rights. Whose name(s) are on the new property?


I hope I'm replying in right place. I moved 3000 miles away after staying in old house for 2 months. The distance and time gave me a lot of perspective. Both houses were rental because we sold 2 homes in the 2 years prior. I think he left the "marital home" but he did it in a sneaky tricky way. There's more to my story but I wanted to find out if anyone heard of this type of extreme type of midlife crisis behavior - it's like he became a zombie whose thoughts & actions were being controlled by the alien OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WisenUpper (Apr 14, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Have you contacted a lawyer?


Yes and paid a high retainer for one and my former home state which is a fault state. Of course my lawyer thinks a no-fault divorce will suffice. I'm so tired of all this. I want to charge him with all 7 of the faults for divorce which in my opinion he hit them all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You asked if cheating husbands act the way yours did. There is no standard for how a cheating spouse acts. If there is any generalization, it might be that dishonesty breeds dishonesty. 
Hopefully you are putting your life back together and will no trust or accept at face value anything this man says in the future.


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## WisenUpper (Apr 14, 2013)

What bugs me is he is acting like the victim and I don't want to be a victim! I'm filing for divorce and I doubt he's thought about it. He argues about sending money and how u can get my stuff back.If I was rich I wouldn't bother divorcing him because it is really atessful to deal with this on top of moving now twice. I'm now only about 1000 miles away and I'm not young but I'm not dead either. Starting over at any age is hard but being my age-alone-single and broke with no job and no furniture and without my dog or cat - well - some days I don't know if I can do it. Woe is me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WisenUpper (Apr 14, 2013)

What's rather amazing is how he can carry on in daily life and the many contacts he has. But I guess it's easier to carry on when you don't have to see or look at your bewildered hurt crying sad wife in town. I wish I could compartmentilize like he can and always could. I will be OK and am doing pretty good considering. Thanks for reading & replying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I hope your lawyer is a bulldog a44hole.

It seems surprisingly common for the wayward or walkaway to feel like they are the victim. Only thing you can do is detach, look to your own wellbeing and make sure you protect your rights which is where lawyer comes in.

Was it your son, his son from a prev relationship or your brothers son that helped with the move? Sounds like you dont mean he is your son but i wasnt sure?


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## WisenUpper (Apr 14, 2013)

K.C. said:


> I hope your lawyer is a bulldog a44hole.
> 
> It seems surprisingly common for the wayward or walkaway to feel like they are the victim. Only thing you can do is detach, look to your own wellbeing and make sure you protect your rights which is where lawyer comes in.
> 
> Was it your son, his son from a prev relationship or your brothers son that helped with the move? Sounds like you dont mean he is your son but i wasnt sure?


It was his son from his first marriage. Surprisingly we never had any children for being married & together for 27 years. We both have children from our 1st marriages however and they are all now adults - supposedly... What irks me is how could someone do something like this while I gave him my best an my best prime years? I wonder how many men my age want to date a woman close to my age. Hmmmm. We all know the chances of that happening. As they say life isn't fair. But at least I'm not looking anyway at this point!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I wouldn't trust someone like that to pay monies even if a court ordered them. I'm sorry but I think maybe it would be better to get a quick divorce, and then take what you learned and build up your finances on your own. It would make a much better investment putting your time, resources, energies into building a life, than wasting it in a very long drawn out divorce where most of your money, if you even get it, will go to attorney's bills. You will end up paying interest on whatever you borrow to pay retainer/s (and there will be more, after the initial one) and then paying interest on the outstanding amount, and so caught up in the case it will detract from free time and other time you could spend earning money. If you are tied up in divorce proceedings, then it's just giving him more of your life. 

What he did was so underhanded, I think no court of law could ever set it right anyhow, and you would be forced to re-live it instead of moving forward.

Were you married more than 10 years? You can eventually claim Social Security benefits on his account if he made more than you. If you are close to 10 years, wait to divorce until you pass that marker.

This is the first I've ever heard of someone being left like that. Oh, and the apartment rent, take it, but don't let him pay it directly. Ask for x amount based on cost of living plus utilities, etc. Then find a very small and cheap place to rent. So you can save the extra. Don't count on him to pay rent for you. Make sure you rent something you can afford if/when he stops paying into that account. Or you can ask for it to be sent to an attorney, whom he will also pay. 

Clearly, this is a case of abandonment, so also check the laws where you live, a lot of times the abandoning spouse is also responsible for food and clothing and medical expenses, etc. 

But, your best bet is to put all your energies into taking care of yourself physically and financially. 

He'll get his, eventually.

Don't feel old. You sound lovely.


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## WisenUpper (Apr 14, 2013)

The hardest thing I've had to deal with besides & after the lies & betrayal is the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I feel at times. It can be truly suffocating. Also learning to take one day or one minute at a time has helped a lot. As you can tell I need to vent and find friends!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

No kids from the relationship is a good thing when it goes down like this.

He sounds lie a real piece of work.

Please don't be ageist against yourself. I don't know what age you are but if the lovely ladies of TAM are anything to go by, there is life to be led still. Some of the most inspiring posters here for me are technically "older women". I say technically and use "" as i don't think of them as older at all, they are just amazing, strong and often attractive women.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Wisen: Judging solely by his actions, I'm greatly thinking that your scumbag STBXH was plotting this out for a very long time before acting on it.

Get to your lawyers office yesterday! If he's doing all of this the physical inventory, can you imagine what he's doing with the monetary assets.

Get to that lawyer and help protect your rights!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

WisenUpper said:


> The hardest thing I've had to deal with besides & after the lies & betrayal is the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I feel at times. It can be truly suffocating. Also learning to take one day or one minute at a time has helped a lot. As you can tell I need to vent and find friends!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Heh TAM is full of people like us.

Lots of us give over everything to our marriage an totally lose ourselves in the process. 

It can be lonely. It can be a massive drag emotionally to have no one close to vent to.

TAM for me is a godsend for both reasons. Its not all doom and gloom, i get a lot of laughs and fun here at times and it is an amazing place to vent and blow off steam. The Social Spot in particular is great when ou just need interaction.

Seriously, the situations that bring us to TAM are horrible but I'm glad you're here considering that. I feel sorry for those who don't find this forum or somewhere like it.


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## WisenUpper (Apr 14, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I wouldn't trust someone like that to pay monies even if a court ordered them. I'm sorry but I think maybe it would be better to get a quick divorce, and then take what you learned and build up your finances on your own. It would make a much better investment putting your time, resources, energies into building a life, than wasting it in a very long drawn out divorce where most of your money, if you even get it, will go to attorney's bills. You will end up paying interest on whatever you borrow to pay retainer/s (and there will be more, after the initial one) and then paying interest on the outstanding amount, and so caught up in the case it will detract from free time and other time you could spend earning money. If you are tied up in divorce proceedings, then it's just giving him more of your life.
> 
> What he did was so underhanded, I think no court of law could ever set it right anyhow, and you would be forced to re-live it instead of moving forward.
> 
> ...


Thank you and I tend to agree with a quick divorce but with all the facts known to the court. My children want to punish him because he was really like their father growing up and they are hurt and shocked too. I moved south to a nice low tax area and found an apartment for close to nothing compared to the northeast that is nice and in a nice area. My kids and sister hv loaned me money after moving here to help me until I get a job. Ironically my H spent all our money on a business that was supposed to be both our futures! Not anymore! I never want to see him again and the thought of seeing our furniture and pets where he now lives in a 3 bedroom house by the ocean turns my stomach. The other woman was like a vulture or vampire waiting in the rafters for him. I can't understand how a woman would knowingly pursue a married man. But the business we bought is prone to certain dis -inhibitors if you get my drif. I hope the lawyer I hired does his job & I only want my fair share more or less. Smile. Anger takes up energy that can be better used I've learned. Oh and we were married 24 years and together 27. That's hard to take.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WisenUpper (Apr 14, 2013)

K.C. said:


> No kids from the relationship is a good thing when it goes down like this.
> 
> He sounds lie a real piece of work.
> 
> Please don't be ageist against yourself. I don't know what age you are but if the lovely ladies of TAM are anything to go by, there is life to be led still. Some of the most inspiring posters here for me are technically "older women". I say technically and use "" as i don't think of them as older at all, they are just amazing, strong and often attractive women.


That's funny being an ageist against myself. To be honest I don't feel old nor am I really that old yet. Im getting my confidence back slowly but surely. It is hard to understand how things like this happen after being together for so long but I'm not alone it seems. I've been reading TAM since the moving day in hell and has helped much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WisenUpper (Apr 14, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> Wisen: Judging solely by his actions, I'm greatly thinking that your scumbag STBXH was plotting this out for a very long time before acting on it.
> 
> Get to your lawyers office yesterday! If he's doing all of this the physical inventory, can you imagine what he's doing with the monetary assets.
> 
> Get to that lawyer and help protect your rights!


I've been thinking that that is possible and my instincts are usually good. How scary to think that though to be so calculating and cold. The business we bought is what he and the other LLC partner could be doing what's called - hiding money. I can't think of the actual term right now. Got it. Its dissapation of assets. I knew he was possibly cheating or having EA but the business part and when I found out he told the partner he had affair I couldn't get why he told him. I kept asking because I would think you'd keep that to yourself. Then after the big neutron bomb fell and that fallout - my thoughts went to wow - could my husband do that and why and so on. Being calculating money-wise is scarier than affair cheating I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Yeah what your husband did was terrible. Wow. Shocking to even hear it let alone to have to have gone through it.

Find friends, now. Divorce that person and get on with your life. The loneliness will change over time, especially as you start to make new connections with people, fill up your days with phone calls, lunches, new hobbies, and your evenings with dinners with friends, chats online, relaxing activities at home, and all sorts of stuff. Let the loneliness be a wakeup call not to put all your energy into any one person, but build a wide network of people and friends with whom you can spend time, chat, and do things with. Contact old friends long forgotten. Go to coffee shops and strike up conversations. Go to religious services and small groups (if that is your thing). Find some kind of support group for separated and divorced people if possible. What kind of hobbies have you always wanted to take up? Find a group that does that and join. You can make friends. Be creative, have fun. 

And like KC said, you shouldn't discriminate against yourself because of your age.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Almost the same thing just happened to me. He was Mr. Sweetheart, considerate and kisses goodnight, kisses when leaving the house, told me he loved me when leaving for out of town, all leading me to believe all was going so much better, and then sent me an email while he was out of town on a job that I would be served with divorce papers any day. I think it's disgusting to operate that way and shows no character nor balls...misleading your spouse of 26 years (us plus 5 before that) and then springing it...not very nice!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did you sign the lease for the rental home he moved everything to? 

If you did, he had no legal right to keep you from living there. Actually even if you did not sign it, he had no legal right to keep you from living there. It was the marital home. You had as much right to it as he did.

Some poeple do the meanest and strangest things when they are in the mist of affairs and/or leaving a relationship.


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## WisenUpper (Apr 14, 2013)

Hi all, 

Today I spent a long time reading a very long thread in this forum and I'm still in deep trance-like state from the many similarities of the writer's marriage and my marriage. I feel like I was the writer and I was also in his marriage but playing both roles. Maybe sleep is what I need because I'm getting/feeling weird!

I really like TAM and want to thank all you for reading my first post and my slightly off mobile texting replies I made with my aging Blackberry. But no worry here, I'd never dump my my Blackberry even though it's showing its age.

Also today was not a good day for so many people due to the bombings in Boston. How sad and horrible a thing to happen and with it bringing the still very real horrors of what happened on 9/11. 

Thank you again and I hope to be around for a while for you and others.

- wisenupper (silly username)


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