# Joint Accounts



## april16 (Jan 6, 2009)

When my husband and I first got married over 7.5 years ago we used to have joint bank accounts. We both worked and all the money we made was shared between bills, food etc.... 

Last year I went out of state for a year to finish school. When I returned home. My husband had opened up all new accounts with only his name on them. We no longer had a joint checking or savings. I asked if he was going to put my name on the account and he said "no", that he liked being the only one having access to his money. I didn't know what to think, so I opened up a bank account of my own. Just getting back from school I had no job and barely enough to get by. He told me if I needed money I had to ask him for it. Then I felt like I didn't even have a husband. I felt more like he was my dad. I Felt like I had so much pressure to get a job asap! I went to over 20 interviews and I had no luck. My husband then kept saying "you need to find a job, i'm not paying for your bills." I kept having to ask him for money. He had over $5,000 in one account and he was acting as if he was poor. I finally got a job and as most of you know it takes a while to build that money up. Now when we need something for the house i'll buy it and then it's his turn and when we go out to eat it the same way. I hate it. I once again talked to him about the account situation and he would get so mad at me. Am I over acting the situation....please give me some advice.


----------



## mom876 (Nov 15, 2008)

I think joint accts work better for some people and I see whay you are upset. I would be too in the same situation.

My husband and I have our own accts. Actually I am still on his but I didn't put him on my acct. I pay all the monthly living expenses such as mortage, utilities, insurances, groceries, my credit card.
He was to pay his medical expenses, phone/internet/cable and the credit cards he uses (joint) form his account.

I found out a few months ago that my husband had maxxed out our joint credit cards paying living expenses for a female friend. Between that and his recent reduced work hours, I am glad that he doesn't have access to my acct. 

I hope that it works out for you. I would really want to know what the husband is thinking if I were you. My husband knows why I have a separate account and is OK with it.


----------



## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I don't work anymore as I had to leave my job to get married and financialy there's no real need for me to. It took a while for me to feel entirely comfortable with being supported by my husband. Anywho financilly I think as a couple you basically need to be a single entity.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I find it odd that he would do this after being married and sharing accounts for so long. Was there something that drove this?  Does he not like the way you were managing the money or your spending habits? Or does he not want accountability to you for how he does? From an asset standpoint couples should generally have access to the money earned in a marriage. It is common property. In the event that one spouse dies there would be a delay in the surviving spouse’s access to cash needed for bills due to no ability to get to it until it is legally tended. 

My wife and I have been married for 22 years and have always had separate checking, savings and credit card accounts. But we have signature on both. Our checks have both of our names on them. We have the passwords for each other’s online access. We each have “assigned” bills we are responsible for each month but if someone comes up short the other takes care of it. It doesn’t matter to us if her savings account has double the amount in it then mine or visa versa. It is viewed by us both as our money. I am happy to say in 22 years we have only had one argument about money. Part of that is because of this system, part is because we share a common view of how we spend money and part is that we’ve been very fortunate in our careers. But even when money is tight we discuss, not argue.

You and your husband need to find common ground and share both the assets and the budget. It needs to be viewed as joint property. If you don’t this will likely be a sore spot and source for stress for years to come. Good luck


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It sounds like something happened while you were gone for that year. something really changed him. were you having problems before you left? what happened while you were gone for a year?


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

im sorry here, but i think there is definately more going on here.
in terms of his control of his money and the way he acts in his rationale and behaviour.
i agree with ljtseng - something has really changed him.


----------



## april16 (Jan 6, 2009)

Thanks for some of the input. As far as how we were before I went to school. I was the one who was in charge of paying the bills from the beginning of our marriage. I asked him to please give me the receipts of his purchases so I could balance the checkbook and make sure we don't go over. He would give me maybe 3 of the 5 receipts and sometimes the account would go negative and he would blame it on me. At the time I was making way more money than him and I even paid off one of his CC that went to collections. Then when the money problems really started happening was when he had an emotional affair. I was so depressed that I started paying bills late and stopped caring. I eventually got somewhat back on track and that is when I left to go to school....


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sounds like the money issues are more his problem then yours. He is using control of the money to hide his bad habits or poor management. How are you two as a couple? Did the EA end?


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

My wife and I have seperate accounts, but it is more because she can't manage money that well and always uses her debit card until the account is negative. So for us having a stable account works well. But if she needs I always have money for her to borro even though she makes more money than i do.

draconis


----------



## april16 (Jan 6, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> Sounds like the money issues are more his problem then yours. He is using control of the money to hide his bad habits or poor management. How are you two as a couple? Did the EA end?



Yeah the EA ended and then it happened again with someone else right before I came home from school. He has good management now with his money. I look at his bank receipts and he always has quite a bit saved up. I work in the spa industry, and with the economy how it is I'm just not doing that well....
We both went to purchase a new car right before I went to school. He said that it was his turn to pick the car out. When we walked into the dealership he said I don't care how much the payments is, we just need to get rid of our old car (btw..we were negative on it) he is the head person on the loan, I am 2nd. The car payment is $800 a month. He says it's my car, that he didn't want it so I make the payment. 
Well as a couple, we are good one minute and he treats me so well and then as soon as I bring up, finances, buying a house or anything that has to do with us moving forward in life he gets so mad at me and does not want to talk about it. I talk calmly. I don't yell so there is no need for him to get mad about it. He recently started raising his voice with me when I want to talk about these issues. He told me about a week ago that he was not sure if he wanted to be with me. I'm so frustrated and hurt inside. Even thought he makes me feel the way he does, I still love him so much and I keep trying just hoping that something will change the way he treats our marriage....


----------



## april16 (Jan 6, 2009)

draconis said:


> My wife and I have seperate accounts, but it is more because she can't manage money that well and always uses her debit card until the account is negative. So for us having a stable account works well. But if she needs I always have money for her to borro even though she makes more money than i do.
> 
> draconis


Yeah he blames me for when our account used to go negative. There was no talking in why it was negative...it was just my fault. When I did move for a year to go to school, I had to open an account in the state I was living in and my account was never negative. It's nice he always has money, but it sucks if we run out of something in the house and I don't have the money then I have to go to him and say, Oh I don't have money please go buy dog food....I feel so much less of a person because I don't have money for dog food...


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

“His money”
“Your car”
Multiple EAs
Won’t commit to the future.

None of these are good signs.

Your husband has checked out of the marriage. Did the second EA end or do you suspect it is still going on? I suspect her root reason for the control over the money is that he is preparing for a divorce. I’m sorry to say that but it’s what fits the scenario. Before the situation with the money gets any better, you will need to heal as a couple. He needs to come to the conclusion that he does want to be with you for the rest of his life. I suspect there are other issues driving this wedge between the two of you. It’s not the money. I think the two of you need to discuss whatever core issues are of a concern to each of you. I also suspect something happened or changed while you were away at school. Any light you can shed for us?


----------



## april16 (Jan 6, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> “His money”
> “Your car”
> Multiple EAs
> Won’t commit to the future.
> ...



First ill start with the reason why I went out of state for school. The school here in Vegas was a full time only. I had to go 6 days a week, 10 hours a day. I asked my husband if he would mind me not working so I could go. He said "you have to work, I'm not paying your bills." I also needed help from him with taking a loan out for school. He would not help...so I moved to stay with my family where I could go part time and still work. They payed for my school and ill pay them back. In the mean time, I'm going to school and working 7 days a week. I started talking to a friend back home (male) and he was looking for a new place to move with his girlfriend because he was getting into some bad habits. I talked to my husband about him moving here and helping he and his girlfriend out. My husband said no way did not even want to listen to me. I went out and got my own apartment, (for a stupid reason) my husband said that I could not make it on my own. I wanted to prove him wrong, but instead it caused more problems. Then I did wrong and helped my friend out and let him move in with me. He only stayed 3 weeks and then left. He did not like it. I lied to my husband about it. Then eventually he found out and he brought up divorce. Since then I have not lied to my husband. He still continued to lie to me. I said we should go back to counseling. He says "why, it didn't help the first time" We have both messed up and I have been trying my hardest to keep us together. I have given up things for him and compromised a lot! Now you know all, any suggestions on what to do to help our marriage??? Thanks


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Based on what you’ve said you are both dealing with a lot of trust issues. You because of the EAs and him because you went against his wishes then lied about it. There may be lingering thoughts of your fidelity to him during those three weeks. In my opinion however your husband is selfish and acting in an immature manner. As I said he has disconnected from the marriage and is likely looking at his options. Just because counseling didn’t work the first time doesn’t mean it won’t in the future. Find a new counselor and begin sessions on your own. Let him know you are going. In order to move forward you will need to begin to communicate with each other. Not easily done since he has shut down and closed up. Is he receptive at all to discussing your relationship?


----------



## april16 (Jan 6, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> Based on what you’ve said you are both dealing with a lot of trust issues. You because of the EAs and him because you went against his wishes then lied about it. There may be lingering thoughts of your fidelity to him during those three weeks. In my opinion however your husband is selfish and acting in an immature manner. As I said he has disconnected from the marriage and is likely looking at his options. Just because counseling didn’t work the first time doesn’t mean it won’t in the future. Find a new counselor and begin sessions on your own. Let him know you are going. In order to move forward you will need to begin to communicate with each other. Not easily done since he has shut down and closed up. Is he receptive at all to discussing your relationship?



When I lied to him it was over a year ago. Since then I been very true to my word. He says he trusts me, yet I don't fully trust him on a lot of things he says. It just does not add up sometimes.
As far as counseling, I really want to go again. I have talked many times about it. His response is "he doesn't think it will work" and "he will go if I set it up"
When it comes to talking about our relationship. I will poor my heart out to him and try to make it as easy as possible to talk about and I'm the one doing all the talking and he says NOTHING!!!!! Every time!!! Never responds, I ask why and he says "he does not know what to say" He does not even try to add any response. 
We got married when I was 18 he was 19. We were dating a year before. We have been together for almost 9 years and everything about him is changing, he's raising his voice, he is saying other woman are hot in front of me, when i'm feeling down he does not even care to ask why, he is so addicted to cars and drag racing that he has 5 cars. All his money goes to his things. I want to buy nice things for the house but we don't get new things unless I buy them. His priorities are obviously not me and as I continue to write this, it is becoming very apparent! He is not the man I married.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

april16 said:


> As far as counseling, I really want to go again. I have talked many times about it. His response is "he doesn't think it will work" and "he will go if I set it up"


Then set it up and have him go with you.



april16 said:


> When it comes to talking about our relationship. I will poor my heart out to him and try to make it as easy as possible to talk about and I'm the one doing all the talking and he says NOTHING!!!!! Every time!!! Never responds, I ask why and he says "he does not know what to say" He does not even try to add any response.


Next time you talk about the relationship refrain from making statements. Ask him questions. When he responds paraphrase what he said for him and relate it to the problem. “So what you are saying is ABC .. and this makes you feel XYZ.” Use this technique to draw him out so at least you have an idea of his frame of mind.



april16 said:


> We have been together for almost 9 years and everything about him is changing, he's raising his voice, he is saying other woman are hot in front of me, when i'm feeling down he does not even care to ask why... He is not the man I married.


It is very likely he has not change but rather the situation has. He is unhappy with some aspect of his life or your marriage and that is expressed to you in indifference or callousness. His temperament has changed, his interactions have changed but likely due to environment. If the two of you communicate to determine the core issues and improve them he will likely begin to treat you as he once did. Same for you, you’re unhappy and confused and this may reflect on him.


----------



## digimix (Jan 8, 2009)

I have been following this thread and I agree with most, your husband has something going on that you may not be aware of. This kind of behaviour is indicative of someone hiding something. I have been married for over 11 years and my wife and I share ALL bank accounts checking, saving, credit card, investments and all real estate properties are in both of our names. I have nothing to hide and can safely say the same for my wife. We have all money go through the same main account and we both use as we need from it. This however can only come from total trust and honesty for both parties. You need to sit your husband down and ask him what has changed.


----------



## april16 (Jan 6, 2009)

I have started calling around. I'm going to set it up soon. I would like to find a christian counsler. That way I can have someone help us that has some of the same values.

Ok, so we talked again. I asked him questions such as. Do you feel unhappy? (his reply, only when I am in a bad mood)  What can I do to be a better wife? (nothing) I asked if he trusted me, (he says yes) his answers seem to be very short, but at least im getting some response. I asked a few questions again about our money situation. He still says that he likes being the only one to have access to his funds so that's how its going to stay. Even though we talked for about 40 minutes I still feel like we got no where. Why?? We talked about his car situation and he says that he is selling the two that he has payment on. I asked if he was going to help with our big car payment once he does sell the other two and he says, "I would still prefer for you to make the payment."

He has changed, he has become very selfish when it comes to our needs. He used to put us/our marriage first. Now its his wants and needs that come first.
I always tell him how handsome he is. Ill text him throughout the day telling him I love him or I cant wait to see him tonight. I try very hard to show him how much I care and love him. I never talk about how good looking other men are, and especially not in front of him. I'm sorry this thread has went a bit of track. Thank you so much for the advice. I'ts nice to have people to share my problems with. Thank you!!


----------



## april16 (Jan 6, 2009)

digimix said:


> I have been following this thread and I agree with most, your husband has something going on that you may not be aware of. This kind of behaviour is indicative of someone hiding something. I have been married for over 11 years and my wife and I share ALL bank accounts checking, saving, credit card, investments and all real estate properties are in both of our names. I have nothing to hide and can safely say the same for my wife. We have all money go through the same main account and we both use as we need from it. This however can only come from total trust and honesty for both parties. You need to sit your husband down and ask him what has changed.


Sometimes i still feel like there is something going on. I put him on my account. He has the passwords to all my internet accounts. I leave my phone laying around all the time. He has a lock on his phone. I'm not on his accounts, I don't know any of his passwords. If he tells me that he trusts my word on everything then why does it have to be like this? Because of the situation I feel like he is hiding something. He used to have a password preset on one of the car forums that he goes on and he changed it to where you have to type it in every time now?????


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

What if something (god forbid) happens to him where he is incapable of making his own decisions, and you need to access his accounts? If your name isn't on them, they will be very difficult for you to access should you need to when he can't. Has he thought of that? 

I am of the 'share everything' camp - I can't imagine how hard it would be to figure out who pays for what and keeping it all equitable. We just direct deposit both checks to the same account and I do the bill paying but both names are listed on all accounts and both have access and would never buy something super expensive without consulting the other.

It really sounds to me like something else is going on, for him to have switched gears so dramatically. I hope you guys can work it out.


----------



## april16 (Jan 6, 2009)

I talked to him about that, he said we can do the "what ifs" all day long. He is military and does go out of town sometimes. We had an emergency with one of our dogs a few months ago and thank God he was here because i could not have payed for it. He was recently out of town and I payed $1100 in bills. I had to ask my job to pay me early because I needed the money.
I work very hard. I try to bring in as much as possible. Being in the spa industry in this economy right now does not help.


When it comes to buying expensive things, I never make big purchased. He Has big expensive cameras, 5 cars, lots of snowboarding equipment and you should see the garage.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

As far as the Accounts in general, my wife and I have separate accounts, but they are both legally joint accounts. 

The main reason is that money is tight for us and we are on a strict budget. So we have separate accounts to make it easier as far as tracking our expenses and balances.

She went back to school and only works part time. I pay all of the bills out of "my" account except for a few of her smaller personal things (student loan, department store card, etc.), and then will put some money into her account. We know how much is in each of our accounts so it's easier for us to budget things throughout the month like gas, lunches, etc. We are technically joint owners on both accounts (we are authorized to use them, have all of the passwords, internet access, both can use debit cards etc,), so if we really wanted to know, we can look at what the other is spending. 

I did get into trouble with this a while ago, because we got into some trouble financially and I didn't let her in on it. My wife is depressed and very emotional, so I hid the problems from her "for her own good" so to speak. Not that it was right, but she was very emotional and instead of telling her about it, I hid it so she wouldn't worry about it. She could've looked at the stuff if she wanted, but just didn't. Well, everything came to a head and it wasn't pretty. But we got through that now, and are doing much better financially. Honestly, I don't know if she still checks in on "my" account or not, but I'm a lot more forward with what is going on, just coming out and telling her instead of hiding or avoiding it, so she could if she wanted, but really wouldn't need to now.

I think it works out pretty well for us.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

While you have both done things that made you lose trust for one another, it seems very unbalanced that you are living 'open book' and after 2 EA's, he is living very guarded and doesn't seem to feel the need to regain your trust.

I agree with Amp, that there seems to be something within him that is deeper than the financial issue alone. I hope you will be able to get him to open up.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

100% agree with the above. The finances aren't the real issue here. The real issue is the relationship.

It appears that at least there was a lot of resentment built up by him for something, whether it was the lying, going to school paying the bills or something else. But he is not all there in the relationship for some reason. You might to have to figure out what caused it before you can actually fix it.

Also, guys are hard to talk to sometimes. I know, I am one... Not to mention, Military can be even worse. Talking about their "feelings" isn't taught at West Point or Fort Bragg. I was the same way with my wife, and it took a long time for me to get comfortable with it, and I still to this day struggle with it. 

When asking him questions, use open ended questions. Nothing that could be answered with a Yes or No. And, although he won't like it at first, ask him to explain the answers. Try not to get too touchy feely with your questions if you can, especially starting out and don't make accusations or attacks. Many a guy will just completely shut down and walk away. 

And starting out, think of it as a fact finding mission. Ask questions like I said, but don't worry about responding right away, even if the answer is the most stupid ignorant thing, or you know he's just making excuses. Just gather information and get him talking. He losens up a bit, and you get some information about what is going on from his side. You can't expect to solve this in just one sitting anyway, so take it slowly.

You basically have to hold his hand through the conversation. It's not fair at all to you, but you will get more out of it in the end, which is the ultimate goal


----------



## april16 (Jan 6, 2009)

Thank you all for the support and suggestions. It means a lot that people on this forum care and want to help. We have been doing a lot better lately. I have pretty much dropped the money situation, because it seems to set us back. Our communication has improved since I ask questions that don't feel attacking to him. He has been pitching in on gas and paid for my lift ticket when we went snowboarding =) he is starting to recognize my feelings about the situation. Hopefully things will continue going good and he will continue to understand my problems with this issue. I will keep you all updated and THANK YOU ALL!!


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Nice to hear things are moving forward. I hope that continues and you will be able to address the other issues in the future. Good luck and thanks for the update.


----------

