# Feeling at fault after breakup



## LostinUS (Jul 28, 2012)

Hello everyone. I've been dating this woman for about 2 1/2 years. We were both divorced, but where I was 2 years post D-day, she was in the middle of divorce proceedings when we started dating. In hindsight, I wish I had waited, but that's not why I'm here. 

Most of the first year or so, things were great. We started talking about moving in together after about a year and a half and then I suddenly want to put the breaks on. She became upset and we ended up separating for a few weeks. We got back together because I wanted to try it again.

However, during the last year, things have gotten much worse. I have spent some additional time with my children and with my family. Not much, maybe an increase of an extra weekend day a month and just one time with my family. And this truly upset her, despite me reaching out to invite her to be with us. 

In her eyes, she wanted to be the #1 priority and said that my children (and sometimes my family) were the priority to me. I felt she was only looking at it from a negative perspective because we spent a good amount of time together. I felt that depending on the situations, priority may change. This resulted in confrontational and reactionary situations from her. I would do my best to listen and offer my perspective on the situation. This was a step up for me because the "old-me" would usually shut down or quickly leave/breakup with old/past girlfriends. But despite sticking around, it wore on me and it started to develop some resentment. I need someone who understands when sometimes, every once in a while I would like to spend some time with my children or my family.

I forgot to mention her father divorced her mom when she was very young, and was not in the picture very much until recently. And that her ex-husband turned into an alcoholic and would leave for days or sometimes weeks.
She puts much of the blame on me and when later, when I defend my actions about my family or kids, she states I should be a better communicator or find unique ways to still include her.

Some other examples:
1. Spent the week with my mom who was recovering from knee replacement. Was disappointed my sisters couldn't help (despite having plans out of town) so she and I can have more time together.

2. Went to visit my friend from college who lives 2 hrs away for the weekend ( go up Sat, come back Sun). And this is the ONLY time I went to spend time with a friend, sad I know! Anyways, she was upset that I didn't come back right away the next morning because I went to go have brunch with him and his wife. All the while, my gf had a girls night out that night downtown and rented a hotel which I was cool with.

3. I tell her my daughter and I decided to get a dog. She immediately gets upset and tells me to tell my daughter no. That we'll have to wait and decide together.

I think one of the difficulties is that I am very laid back by nature, where my gf isn't most of the time. She is fine with confrontations, I am not. And no offense to any Italian New Yorkers, but that is who she is. So it's almost in her genes. I grew up in the South.

I do my best and initiated nearly 100% of the time that I love her and would text her good morning and call her to talk about our day and say good night, every night.

But it still wasn't enough, even with couples counseling. I know the elephant in the room for us was that I did not move in a year ago and that now time had run out on me.

She told me moving in and getting married would have fixed much of these arguments. I believed that these issues, including her insecurities had to be addressed and "fixed" BEFORE I moved in with my kids and get married. And I understand that my communications can use improvement. She is very plans oriented, where I used to be more spontaneous. 

Over the last year, much of this started to change me into the person she wanted me to be, but I became unhappy due to it.

What do you guys think? Is it mostly my fault?? What should I learn from this and grow to be a better man?

Thank you


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm divorced, two kids, have had relationship experience since my divorce.

Honestly, she sounds a bit "broken" and not too reasonable and realistic. 

I don't see that you need to do anything differently, except move forward very carefully with her, or not at all. Honestly, this is your second chance to find a rest of your life relationship, if you want one, so do it right. She, to me, does not seem to be someone who is reasonable and open and emotionally healthy. If it were me, I'd terminate the relationship!!


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

So I feel like she still has the baggage from her previous marriage. Maybe her first husband didn't make her his priority and that's a sore spot for her. Maybe she feels more entitled to that from you because of her idea of what dating and marriage should be. You shouldn't have to completely change for someone. You have other priorities like your kids that you have to worry about. She should understand that you have enough love for her and your family/children. 

The dog thing... like if she's deathly afraid of dogs or something then maybe she'd be like "hey check with me," but it's your daughter's dog. Maybe she's still reeling from not taking precedence in her previous relationship, but she shouldn't pin all that on you. All of these maybes are just guesses because you can't see into her head so I certainly can't. I would talk over things with her, and if you haven't already, set boundaries, expectations and the like.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

LostinUS said:


> In her eyes, she wanted to be the #1 priority and said that my children were the priority to me.


I've run into that ALOT with dating and the women I have come across. 



LostinUS said:


> What do you guys think?


You should of kicked her to the curb for even suggesting it.

A good woman would realize, its not a contest. She's selfish.



LostinUS said:


> She is fine with confrontations, I am not. And no offense to any Italian New Yorkers, but that is who she is. So it's almost in her genes.


None taken and it's not just the New Yorkers....


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## LostinUS (Jul 28, 2012)

Ok, so I'm not totally going nuts? 

She is the first relationship where someone would accuse me of many things(bad communicator, not prioritizing her #1, selfish, not considerate enough, etc) and this would end up making me feel like i was an insensitive, selfish jerk. 

I started to believe it. I would tell her I always felt I was a pretty nice and loving guy and my friends, family and past ex's had never accused me of the things she says. Maybe I changed??

Her response was that "no one ever called me on my bs before". This really made me feel that I was responsibile for the problems we were having.
But she was also thoughtful and loving other times too. The relationship was never black and white. It felt complicated where I loved her and appreciated the things she would do, but also frustrated and angry when she started blaming me for things i felt she was misunderstanding.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

LostinUS said:


> Ok, so I'm not totally going nuts?
> 
> She is the first relationship where someone would accuse me of many things(bad communicator, not prioritizing her #1, selfish, not considerate enough, etc) and this would end up making me feel like i was an insensitive, selfish jerk.
> 
> ...


I think she being quite selfish to. She has to realize that your kids and family are going to be your priority as much as she is. Perhaps that's one of the problems that brought down her first marriage. Maybe it's time for you to move on.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

LostinUS said:


> Ok, so I'm not totally going nuts?
> 
> She is the first relationship where someone would accuse me of many things(bad communicator, not prioritizing her #1, selfish, not considerate enough, etc) and this would end up making me feel like i was an insensitive, selfish jerk.
> 
> ...


So, this is the first relationship you have been labelled as having all of these negative traits. 

That, in addition to all of the input you have received here, should help you realize that she is the problem, not you.


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## LostinUS (Jul 28, 2012)

Its nice to hear everyone's validation. I just worry that my perspective of my relationship is flawed, thus making what she says about me true?I hate feeling this way! Almost like being brainwashed!

Also, i did not mention that we did break up a little over a week ago. She was fed up with me and did not want to wait any longer on me to take the next, big step. I was feeling burned out. It was basically mutual.

My buddy told me he saw her on the dating app Tinder today. And no, he did not swipe right...Ha! But it still hurts to see her on there so quickly after being together for two and a half years.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Be thankful for the things you may not get...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostinUS said:


> In her eyes, she wanted to be the #1 priority and said that my children (and sometimes my family) were the priority to me.
> 
> I tell her my daughter and I decided to get a dog. She immediately gets upset and tells me to tell my daughter no. That we'll have to wait and decide together.
> 
> What do you guys think? Is it mostly my fault?? What should I learn from this and grow to be a better man?


This is all your fault. And I don't mean that to say that you're a bad person or doing bad things.

I mean it in terms that you are a Nice Guy - and that is not a good thing. A Nice Guy somewhere along the way learned to let the woman rule the roost.To shut up. To put her on a pedestal.

The problem is that psychologically, women have to RESPECT their man. Fear their man will leave. Want to KEEP their man.

You're doing none of that. 

Read the book No More Mr Nice Guy IMMEDIATELY. You will come back and say 'this is like reading a book about my life.' And then you'll learn what you're doing wrong.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your children are your #1 priority, and any woman who tries to come between you and your kids, should not be in your life. Your children need you, and they didn't ask for the divorce situation. I don't even care about the rest of her ''wants''...that alone would make me end it, if I were you.

And I wouldn't date anyone who wasn't officially divorced yet, I don't care what anyone says, people need to heal and get past their own situation, before they can enter a new one. I think she had a lot of stress from her own situation spilling onto you, also. 

I'd say that this just wasn't the right woman for you. Sure, you could have done some things better, but we are all flawed. But, you should have ended it when she got offended over you making your kids a priority. 

Best wishes for finding a better match for you.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am a woman and this is coming from someone who can see both sides. She wants your time and she wants to know you are committed to her and that is why the comment about priorities. If a woman feels like she is not getting enough quality time, love and attention from her spouse or partner she does not feel like a priority in his life. How do you communicate to her that she is special to you? She needs to know what it is that you see in her that you enjoy like, "Your smile drives me wild," "You are the best at______ (non sexual)." "You have touched my heart like no other." "I really enjoy our time together when we _____ (nonsexual) and reminisce about something you did together that you enjoyed. She her how special she is to her by giving her a big hug as she passes thru the kitchen or kiss her neck and walk away. We all need (most of us) touch and we need nonsexual touch. the stuff outside the bedroom will make the stuff inside the bedroom happen, is what I have always said!

I think too that it could be helpful for her to open her mind to your intent and perspective on why you are visiting family by yourself instead of sharing these moments with her. Women like to be included and they want to know that their mate is looking out for them when it comes to the other person's family. If a woman feels separated from her partner's family it feels awkward....there is a connection that you are making that she cannot make, if that makes any sense. It takes a great deal of maturity to feel secure in a relationship when you don't feel wanted or accepted by his family.

From your point a view, I get it.....you are baffled because you don't understand her. You are trying and you feel lost. Because you feel like you are not pleasing her you feel like a failure to some extent. None of this means you are a failure. You both have to understand the other's perspective. I think men have an easier time staying on task than women....I have a visual that men open folders in their brain and at this moment this file is open and that is where they concentrate their efforts. Women's brains and super highways, the kid you see in large metroplexes and all their emotions, their activities, their plans, their work, obligations to family, etc have a mix....our emotions may effect our obligations, we can think about cooking dinner while we are talking to the plumber on the phone. I think this is why men and women struggle with one another in that all of our stuff is upfront and "raw," if you will. Most times we learn to tuck it away but then it all starts pinging in our heads like a arcade game out of control. Those pinging thoughts and trying to suppress them tend to lead to this volcanic eruption many times where the inner most feelings of hurt spill out and because we did not express ourselves earlier on when there was clarity, thinking we could handle it, we now are an emotional mess and we have laid it out to our man who is dumb-founded because he had no clue she was feeling this way.

Set aside some time to talk about how you each are feeling towards these visits and time away. Try to use no "You did this statements." Try to use "I feel statements." Agree to plan. Can she go with you? If not, why? Coomunication and understanding one another here really is key.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

LostinUS said:


> Hello everyone. I've been dating this woman for about 2 1/2 years. We were both divorced, but where I was 2 years post D-day, she was in the middle of divorce proceedings when we started dating. In hindsight, I wish I had waited, but that's not why I'm here.
> 
> Most of the first year or so, things were great. We started talking about moving in together after about a year and a half and then I suddenly want to put the breaks on. She became upset and we ended up separating for a few weeks. We got back together because I wanted to try it again.
> 
> ...


Dude, I had to stop reading about mid-way because this girl sounds like she sucks. If you aren't with her now, keep moving. There are too many girls out there who understand that your children come first. This girl sounds needy as fvck. Get out and stay out. Be a man, lay down the fvcking law with this girl. If she don't like it, tell her to hit the road. It's your freaking kids, for Christs sake.

Seriously, if my wife/gf even thought about giving me **** about how I interact with my family, I would set her straight in a heartbeat/leave her.

Too many better girls out there to put up with the sh!t you're dealing with man. If she looks like Salma Hayek, Liz Hurley, I would give her a break. Other than that, tell her to GTFO.


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## LostinUS (Jul 28, 2012)

Thanks again for all the replies and advice, even the constructive criticism. It's hard to accept that we can be flawed and looking back, I wish I was less non-confrontational and hung in there longer to stand up for my beliefs. I plan to work on this moving forward.
She also made it clear I was making a big mistake in agreeing to end the relationship because there were so many other things that were good. That comment keeps me thinking of those good things which makes it hard to move forward though.

They say focusing on only the "negative things" about your ex and/or getting involved with a rebound helps with recovering and moving forward. But that just seems selfish and wrong. 
From what my friend has told me, this is what my ex-girlfriend is already doing. Blaming me for the end of the relationship and now putting herself out there on Tinder so fast!! Boy, does that sting.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just means she wasn't worth staying for. You dodged a bullet.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

LostinUS said:


> Thanks again for all the replies and advice, even the constructive criticism. It's hard to accept that we can be flawed and looking back, I wish I was less non-confrontational and hung in there longer to stand up for my beliefs. I plan to work on this moving forward.
> She also made it clear I was making a big mistake in agreeing to end the relationship because there were so many other things that were good. That comment keeps me thinking of those good things which makes it hard to move forward though.
> 
> They say focusing on only the "negative things" about your ex and/or getting involved with a rebound helps with recovering and moving forward. But that just seems selfish and wrong.
> From what my friend has told me, this is what my ex-girlfriend is already doing. Blaming me for the end of the relationship and now putting herself out there on Tinder so fast!! Boy, does that sting.


Read some of your own posts. First you said you are laid back and non-confrontational, but now you wish you had been less confrontational? It sounds like she was looking for confrontation. Some people thrive on it. Be glad she ended it. The fact that she is on Tinder less than a week later tells you all you need to know about who she was. She was in the middle of her divorce when you met her, now a week after breaking up with you, she is on Tinder? Sounds like she has issues being alone. Again, be glad she ended it, she did you a favor.


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## LostinUS (Jul 28, 2012)

Hi everyone. Just wanted to update you, bend your ears and get some advice if that's ok.

1. Attending individual counseling. Confirmed there was dysfunction in relationship. Controlling amd insecure behaviors a serious issue. I need to improve communications and need to be more assertive and less avoidant behaviors. I am working on it!

2. We are still NC.

3. Regret not standing my ground and finding my feelings of why i was not happy. I shyed away from telling her i felt controlled, along with her insecurities and jealousy. 
I believe she broke up with me because she felt i wanted my independence and freedom from her and never wanted marriage. 
Now i feel the temptation to write to her and tell her once and for all. Not to win her back, but so she truly knows why i was not happy and wanted change. I also believe it can be therapeutic for me.

Some friends say send her the letter, others say write it and burn it.
I just feel it's a damn shame that she misunderstood why i was unhappy and why i wanted more time to fix us.

4. I also feel ashamed i am still fixating on her/us instead of fixating on ME. I am trying to listen to my logic and less emotion. Its just hard after 3 yr relatiomship!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

LostinUS said:


> Hi everyone. Just wanted to update you, bend your ears and get some advice if that's ok.
> 
> 1. Attending individual counseling. Confirmed there was dysfunction in relationship. Controlling amd insecure behaviors a serious issue. I need to improve communications and need to be more assertive and less avoidant behaviors. I am working on it!
> 
> ...


Please stay NC. If you send a letter, it will go back and forth and all the hard work you did to get to where you are, will come undone. You'll end up back in that break up fog, again...analyzing, redoing everything in your mind. For your own sanity, please stay NC. Your feelings are very normal, just ride them out. You won't always feel this way. You won't always care what she thinks or why she ''misunderstood.''


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She couldn't care less why you were unhappy and wanted change. Write a letter if you must but DON'T send it. NC works to your benefit -- keep it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Write the letter and post it here.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Can you spell "Control Freak?"

I knew you could!*


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## LostinUS (Jul 28, 2012)

Ok, maybe I'll post the letter here. I wrote it on paper yesterday. It is a blend of my mistakes and hers. After writing it, i feel a bit worse, instead of better. Its made me feel that we broke up based on her misunderstaning me and I misunderstanding her. 

She would often tell me that all the things that upset her regarding my kids or family had to do with me and not them. Now this was usually after she became upset. She said that is was my poor communication that upset her, not my kids or family. And while i started to believe this, there were times I felt it was more than just communication. She still feels strongly about being a #1 priority. This is partially why i feel its based on insecurity and not my poor communication. But I'm no therapist!

I am also feeling I won't be able to do better finding someone better than her. She had some really good traits too, such as being thoughtful, caring, loving, and had a stable financial life. Our kids got along great too. 

Its been hard to ignore those things now as opposed to when i was mainly focusing on the negative leading up to the breakup. She even told me I was making a big mistake giving up on all the kids relationships and good things we still had. 

Ok, here is my big dilemma right now...I still feel she broke up with the belief that it was what i wanted. While, even though i was not happy and was holding on to hope with our continued therapy, that we could work it out. I just couldn't put my finger on what was making me so unhappy until after we broke up and i was able to analyze what the hell was going on. I now know why i was hesitant to move in with her. Now i know it had to do with what i felt was controlling. And because i never told her many of the things i am telling all of you here, i feel she deserves to hear it. To know how i truly felt/feel. This is where the probability of misundsrstandings come in. And after hearing her response...
What if I and my perceptions have been wrong or off base all along?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostinUS said:


> Its made me feel that we broke up based on her misunderstaning me and I misunderstanding her.


That's pretty much the truth with everyone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you feel controlled, then you've been controlled, in most cases. Women can be controllers just as much as men.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

@LostinUS : From most people here. I am in agreement. YOU have dodged a bullet. That lady is CRAZY. She has a ME ME ME personality. Everything is about her.

I am very much would prefer to stay in R with my wayward wife than ever date a woman like your exGF, ever! I mean, it. Your exGF will have sex with other men because you made her angry or something, she'll justify her actions for her needs. She has you confused.

The GOODBYE letter you talked about. Sure, write it. Share it with us, that is fine. 
DO NOT EVER EVER EVER send it to her. Stay in NO-CONTACT. 

If you want to be somewhat passive-aggressive, setup your own Tinder account. Have something there "Just left a nightmare relationship that lasted a few years. Just looking for FWB or NSA fun"


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## LostinUS (Jul 28, 2012)

Hey everyone, for those of you ready to see my letter, it may take a little longer. I don't like the grief stage I'm in right now, bargaining. I'm frustrated with my up and down emotions and want it to level out. Seeing relationship websites has been good and bad. The bad points out my flaws and mistakes i made. So I'm beating myself up pretty good. I get crazy thoughts of what ifs and that if i dont contaxt her soon, it will be too late. All this despite writing out 5 reasons to move on. But I'm still NC with her!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just remember that a marriage isn't supposed to be full of bad memories. If it is, then you picked the wrong person.


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## LostinUS (Jul 28, 2012)

Hey Tunera, we were in a long term relationship actually. But i agree with what you say. And i think that is what makes this so hard. Its crazy that i became unhappy and frustrated during the last 6 months so when we broke up, i immediately felt a bit relieved and a bit dissapointed too. I wasnt able to look at the positive things when we broke up because at that point, i had built up resentment and felt exhausted from the confrontations she seemed to never shy from. 
But i haven't felt relieved for most of this breakup. I feel an even greater sense of dissapointment, and also confused, sad, afraid, and longing for her. I've been told these feelings are normal and once i make it out on the otherside, I'll feel much better. I hope I'm not feeling the onset of some mild depression.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

LostinUS said:


> Ok, so I'm not totally going nuts?
> 
> *She is the first relationship where someone would accuse me of many things(bad communicator, not prioritizing her #1, selfish, not considerate enough, etc) and this would end up making me feel like i was an insensitive, selfish jerk.
> 
> ...


All projection. 

Everything you have described about this chick is setting off personality disorder alarms. You have dodged a major bullet with this one! Count your lucky stars she is out of your life. Work on getting her out of your head now and you'll be golden. 

The reason you feel responsible is because she has spent the last couple of years conditioning you to feel responsible for her emotions.

Misunderstandings abound in relationships. The reason you didn't understand her is because you probably do not have a personality disorder that is based in irrationality and selfishness. Be grateful!


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