# It's kind of a sex question.



## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

My husband and I didn't have sex in quite a while (weeks, maybe months... I lost count). I find myself feeling too lazy for it, too tired, too distracted. I don't feel extremely attracted to him. At least not enough to just jump on him. It's the same with me for him. 
So in the past months we have had a lot of crap happening to us. Got robbed, money troubles, lost a pet, I lost my father. There's some troubles with work. There were troubles because of an ex (who tried to get him back - no success, but a lot of arguing, because I get very jealous and verbally aggressive). He mentioned he feels disrespected by me, when I felt like I do and take care of everything and everyone around me, just not much of myself anymore. Actually I forgot how to practically do take care of myself. My father died suddenly. Just 7 weeks ago. It's very tough for the family. I am only now really starting to understand/realize what happened and it's kind of "bad". I don't know if I am back in a depression, as I am still able to function day by day, but I lay awake almost every night. I have established a strange sleeping rhythm. Sometimes I don't react emotionally at all, other times Im over emotional. I can't concentrate much anymore and I stopped doing sports or caring much about the healthiness of my/our food. I find myself scared about myself, people around me, the future. It's a weird mixture and it's exhausting. 
Nevertheless it bothers me that we don't have sex anymore. We hug a lot, we are very touchy but we don't (French) kiss and don't have actual intercourse. There was one bj and I'd like to give more, but find myself thinking it through so much that it becomes boring for me. 

My question now: Do you think I/we should just jump start it again? Just give the bj, just start to have sex and then it will all slowly come back? The attraction and affection, the fun and the happiness and motivation it gives? Can it be that simple?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Can you do a weekend getaway? Without kids, family, etc?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It sounds like you are depressed, maybe situational depression due to your father's passing among the other things. It would likely be a good idea to start seeing a therapist to help you through this time. Losing a parent is a life-changing experience for many of us, and a time of tremendous loss and grief.

As for jump-starting the sex, yes, go ahead and give him that bj and anything else. Sex can be life-affirming for those going through grief IT won't solve everything - depression can take time to work through, as can marital issues. But it can help to hold you together as you work through everything.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

You definitely sound like you are dealing with some depression. The lack of intimacy can end up killing your marriage. 

Have you though about therapy? The death of your father is a big one. Also, you really should try to make some one on one intimate time with your hubby. It's crucial to the health and survival of your M.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Yep depression of some sort. Endorphin producing activities are recommended. Walking, sport, sex. Getting out in the sun or even the tanning bed. The trouble with feeling depressed is that you don't find joy in the things you usually enjoy. If giving a bj gave you joy that is enough reason to do it again. He doesn't need to earn it if it is to help you feel better. 

Your over thinking amounts to you talking yourself out of doing what you want to do. I've been there often enough. Give yourself a few free passes. You two have been through enough to have earned some.
MN


----------



## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

Thank you all for your replies! Yes, you might be right with the depression. Although I wonder, how can I then still function every day, kind of take care of others and even laugh a little now and then? Shouldn't those be things that are not possible when someone is depressed? (I feel kind of ashamed going to an actual doctor or therapist and possibly even asking for a time off from work...)

I've just had another argument with my husband. A little thing maybe but not for me and he says I made a drama out of it. We do need groceries. He didn't want to go. I didn't want to go alone. So he now eats the rest of the food in the house and I sit in the bedroom, feeling sad, misunderstood, not cared about and alone. He never tries to put himself in my shoes. As long as all is good for him, all is good. What about me? And when I say something then it's just me making a drama.  

No, he does not initiate. Very seldom he does. He said me being so *****y always and always fighting with him makes him not feel much attracted and kills his mood. Again - what about me? He does not try to make me want him. He says he does but I really don't see it. I see all the things that turn me off but I don't see him actually "hunting me". Which also makes me sad. 

I don't understand why I should be the one giving in and giving him a bj now, when I know that will be all I get as well?! So I have to do that to keep our marriage alive, I have to keep the apartment clean, I have to take care of the pets, I have to cook and somehow in there also look after myself and get over the things that happened lately, alone? Where is he in all that? Why does he not care? Where is the empathy, the love, the caring? I have heard men say that those things simply vanish because he doesn't get sex. What a lousy excuse! I also don't get sex! I don't get anything at all! And I don't understand why! I am not just whining and *****ing. I am not ugly. I am not stupid. Just I am not in the happiest mood ever right now and even that I get to hear now and then, "You're always so negative and unhappy!" ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Hey Josephine,
I just did a quick check of your entire TAM history. I feel I missed something in my last advice and I see you need better. Now that I can put the history with the latest symptom I'm getting a much better picture. I'm sorry my last advice was incomplete. 

Lets start with today's title. "It's kind of a sex question". The fact is that for a year or more your marriage has been becoming increasingly unbalances as to libido or sex drive. As a result of this The relationship is approaching or may have achieved sexlessness. Honey, at this point as the High Drive partner Every question is a Sex question. Honestly my wife asked what I wanted for breakfast the other day. I didn't reply. she said, you didn't say what you wanted for breakfast? I replied, I didn't want to get slapped. Seriously you are frustrated, hurt, lost, confused. Yep I know where you are because, like many here, I've been there.

There are two kinds of depression, chemical senseless feeling down but can't figure out why depression, Then there is hey everything is rotten and I can't take anymore depression. It's pretty obvious where you are. 

OK I suggested sex as a helpful part of your recovery from the stress you are under, obviously sex is a big part of the stress you are under and more rejection and half hearted sex is not going to help you. 

Let's talk about some better ways to cope. First lets talk about the health things you can quickly do. Stress takes a toll on the body and you can help it recover by watching the diet. I recommend a Vitamin B and D supplement. Big doses. also Fruit. I get the idea that your business is flexible, if so take 20 minutes outside every day when it is sunny. These things will not solve any of your problems, they will increase your ability to deal with your problems.

Next mismatched libido is a serious problem. You can't negotiate your way out of it. Many High drive women feel even more hurt because the stereotype is that all men want sex all the time. The first thing you need to realize and learn to believe is that this is not your fault. His drive dropped of after you chose him. You did not become unattractive. You are not driving him away. More likely he is digging for excuses to explain something that is as much a mystery to him as it is to you. Accepting this will remove some unnecessary stress from your burden.

You are worried about him losing affection for you because he isn't getting sex. The good news is that from the low drive side that's less likely. What is likely is that as the high drive partner you will get resentful and that will kill your respect and attraction to him. You really need to watch that.

Lowering your stress load will make you happier. You being happier will not necessarily improve his desire for you. But, it will help you deal with it. (see the pattern)
MN


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't know the whole history but it seems to me the BJ may not be the best approach. I think it should be something mutually beneficial...the french kissing...actual intercourse...or if actual sex is off the table an exchange of body massages. I think you want to approach this as his equal for the moment. A BJ...if he's not in the habit of reciprocating...seems subservient to me.


----------



## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

Thanks once again! Especially for checking my previous posts and really giving it some thought. I wish my husband would do that, too. 
One more thing I'd like to add... in the very beginning he wanted me all the time. Seriously there were days when we could not leave to town, just because his "friend" didn't want to be quiet until he had me. In this time I lived with him. In a country where I knew no one, whet I couldn't speak the language. I was dependent on him and I think he liked that. He had a job, he felt secure and manly. Then I had to leave again and he moved to me. It should have been just for a short time but ended up in us still being here. Now he is the one who knows just basic language, doesn't know so many people. But he is healthier and much more cared about. Nevertheless he says I changed so much and that is why he doesn't want me so much anymore. But I did not change so much. I am still me. Only things that changed are that I worked out a lot. My body changed a lot, much to the better. I got more attention from other men, I felt better in my own skin. Besides that I didn't change, I think. The big difference is probably that here I have to take care of all (papers, off appointments etc). I guess that takes away his feeling of manliness? But how to change that for him? 
He often behaves now like a teenage boy, it seems to me. Sudden mood swings and just the way he treats me. I also know that he is not where he'd like to be. I know he feels stuck somehow too. 
His way of coping with things is to distract himself. For me that is exactly what hurts me even more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> Lets start with today's title. "It's kind of a sex question". The fact is that for a year or more your marriage has been becoming increasingly unbalances as to libido or sex drive. As a result of this The relationship is approaching or may have achieved sexlessness. Honey, at this point as the High Drive partner Every question is a Sex question. Honestly my wife asked what I wanted for breakfast the other day. I didn't reply. she said, you didn't say what you wanted for breakfast? I replied, I didn't want to get slapped. Seriously you are frustrated, hurt, lost, confused. Yep I know where you are because, like many here, I've been there.


That was very interesting to read. Yes, you are right. Everything is kind of a sex question now. Basically I feel like I have failed tremendously somehow somewhere in being a good wife and now that's what I get (or don't get) for it. Along the way I always only wanted to do everything right (for him and us) and I still do. Even if I'm sometimes the only one. 



Mr. Nail said:


> Let's talk about some better ways to cope. First lets talk about the health things you can quickly do. Stress takes a toll on the body and you can help it recover by watching the diet. I recommend a Vitamin B and D supplement. Big doses. also Fruit. I get the idea that your business is flexible, if so take 20 minutes outside every day when it is sunny. These things will not solve any of your problems, they will increase your ability to deal with your problems.


I'm trying to do that. It's difficult to make the right decisions for me lately. I find myself jumping back to comfort food very often. This is something which started after my father died. Or maybe already in the few last weeks of his sickness. Something of me died with him and it feels as if there is not much energy left right now to "do what is good for me", as strange as it might sound. But I do try. 



Mr. Nail said:


> Next mismatched libido is a serious problem. You can't negotiate your way out of it. Many High drive women feel even more hurt because the stereotype is that all men want sex all the time. The first thing you need to realize and learn to believe is that this is not your fault. His drive dropped of after you chose him. You did not become unattractive. You are not driving him away. More likely he is digging for excuses to explain something that is as much a mystery to him as it is to you. Accepting this will remove some unnecessary stress from your burden.


As I wrote in my previous post, it seems to be my fault after all. But I seriously don't know what I did wrong! In the beginning he was getting so jealous still at my ex boyfriend (who didn't want to leave me alone) and in that time there was no reason whatsoever to get jealous for him... and nowadays he says there is no reason to get jealous, because there is no other man he'd have to fight, so maybe that is why he also gave up the "hunting" for me. 



Mr. Nail said:


> You are worried about him losing affection for you because he isn't getting sex. The good news is that from the low drive side that's less likely. What is likely is that as the high drive partner you will get resentful and that will kill your respect and attraction to him. You really need to watch that.[/QUOTE
> But how can I not let it come to that? I often find myself wondering what attracted me so much in the beginning. I wonder what that felt like. I try hardly to be respectful towards him, whatever that actually means. Even when he makes me feel like he does not deserve it at all. But seems I fail also at that.
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

What has changed in you is that you are now more confident. (in your home country / language) Also you have more body confidence. Naturally this makes you more assertive. He perceives this (possibly wrongly, possibly due to his native culture) as you being more aggressive and dominant. He fears this finds it disrespectful. He is consciously or subconsciously trying to regain control. He is doing this by taking away something that you want.

Now there is some guesswork in there but it is a likely scenario. Now your goal is a partnership, you never intended to be in control. He needs to get that message at a gut level. Now this is something I can't teach you. I've seen it done very successfully but I've never done it or had it done for me. I also can't think of a movie that shows it. 
The example I know is a cowgirl / farm wife. She is sweet and feminine, She always defers to her husband when they are together. But, she also keeps the books for the farm, orders the feed, negotiates prices, and runs for parts when the tractor needs fixing. She is his partner in every way and he appreciates everything she does. 
Somehow I think if your man gets his confidence back, your problems will resolve themselves. 
MN


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

sorry about your dad. But he is gone. You husband IS there now. It is time to make your peace with the bad stuff that happened and start forging a stronger marriage.

Sex is a VITAL component in any strong marriage. You need to just start doing it again. NO EXCUSES. go into the room your husband is in right now, and have oral sex with him...right now. See if it leds to a whole night of wild sex with him.

If not, try again tomorrow. Spontaneously, just get dressed up really sexy, and surprise him by initiating sex again.

Then the next night...do it again.

NO EXCUSES.

The sex will heal you, and you will eventually forget all the bad stuff holding you back


----------



## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Read up about oxytocin, the "bonding" chemical released by your brain when you have sex. It's not just about feeling happy and relaxed - it actually makes us bond to our partners and crave MORE sex with them. You guys need to be bringing each other to orgasm. Seriously. Get those juices flowing in your brain. It makes such a difference.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

oops I was typing while you were typing. I thought I remembered something about your mom and the ex thing. 
I'm going to go back to the it aint your fault thing. As a high drive partner you are going to get accused of a lot of things that simply not true. Asking for sex is not badgering. Romancing is not badgering. You are not asking for something that is unreasonable. His jealousy of your ex is not your fault. You did not take his confidence, he lost it. You can't give it back to him. 

You keep from resenting him by realizing that he is not trying to hurt you. My wife does a thing that just puts me on my knees. she would plan a date for us. I love it, all week I can anticipate. Then in the last 4 hours she calls it off. I see this as a huge deception. She never planed to really be with me it was all a smoke screen. But that's not true, that's just how I feel. The truth is something just came up and she will make it up, if I don't go into a sulk. So what is the truth behind his rejection of you sexually? Is it because he isn't attracted? or is it because he has some unresolved feeling he hasn't worked out. Or is it something else, Like mom overhearing you?

You can fix your attitude now or you can suffer for years. 

One other thing how is his Testosterone level? This is the one way a LD male is easier than a Low Drive Female.
MN


----------



## Soma289 (Sep 2, 2014)

Sounds like you need a romantic vacation to jump start the physical intimate relationship again. Maybe get a hotel room for the weekend? There's something kind of "naughty" about doing that and could be just the ticket.


----------



## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

So there has been a tiny little improvement - 2 funny happy times within the past 2 weeks. I first thought it's getting better now but quickly the sudden fire went out again and I really don't know why. I feel stressed and annoyed and sexually I am just bored of constantly being the one who does things for his happiness and NEVER getting anything back. He simply does not know how to satisfy me and he would never care to find out by himself. Officially because it is "my job" to tell him and take what I need and want, but truthfully because he is just too proud to admit that he does simply not know what to do. 
So nowadays, even if I'd be available, he prefers to jerk off secretly (and then lie about it when I ask him if he did). Nice. Just awesome. I am so tired of this constant unhappiness. I wish I could be happy with HIM. I wish we would be able to make each other really happy. But we're just constantly stressed, annoyed, tired, lazy, ...


----------

