# Help with Confrontation please!



## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

So I've waited until the holidays were over. I got through them pretty much without crumbling. I smiled, laughed, and played the innocent loving wife and mother. Now reality is smacking me in the face. We have some events coming up with friends for new years, and I find myself trying to decide if I should wait for that to be over or do it now. 
I have all the proof I need to confront him, it was a cyber affair that may or may not have resulted in an actual meeting. Their communication switched over to texting and phone and I have no way of knowing what that communication has been like. What I have is copies of chats between them up to about a couple weeks ago when she sent her phone number. This weekend I did try looking at his phone, only to see that all texts and history has been erased. There were pictures of himself on there that I am sure he took for her benefit. A friend suggested I print the chat logs, handwrite a note at the top and put it on his dresser while he is at work, then text him and tell him I am going away for a few days. Make him come to me...I dont think that will work. I think he would read it and try to ignore it, at least until he could scramble trying to make up some excuse for it. I have thought of sending the kids away for a night and confronting him face to face where he doesnt know its coming so has no time to prepare. 

I have thought about putting a keylogger on his computer, but the more I think about it, I already have hard factual proof. To be deceitful and sneaky is not in my nature and even though I feel I may have the right to do it, I would still be feeling guilty about it. 

And the kicker is that I dont even know what I want out of the confrontation at this moment. The only thing I know I want is to keep my family together.That may or may not be possible. What I really want is for this to NOT have happened! What I hate is that he did this and now I am the one faced with the responsibility of deciding how it will pan out. What happens if I make demands he is unwilling to submit to? What happens if he turns it around on me? 
Any suggestions or feedback is really appreciated!!! Finding this website has been a great help to me!!


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Well, I will speak of my experience and I am sure more calculated people with better outcomes will post as well. 

I had an idea of my husband's EA and PA for months and even knew she had been looking for it for a longer time, but had no proof until he left his old Iphone at home. I got the evidence I needed and to my surprise I was calm and patient because now I knew I was not crazy. I worked the whole day and althought I had no idea what I wanted I was too mad to not confront him. I made sure he was home early by using a lame excuse of having a lot of work and needing help with my 2 year old and once we were both home I waited until my baby was asleep to confront him. To my surprise I got myself a glass of wine and sat with im and the phone and asked him "do you want me to put the pieces together or will you be a man and explain this to me?" He denied and denied for 2 days (be ready for that) and then accepted the EA, he decided to leave on Xmas Eve (2 days before to be exact) and then confessed the PA 2 weeks afterwards.

Try and be calm, calculated and relaxed. You have all the evidence you need and he will deny everything. If you can sort out what you want and how you want it, great but you have waited for so long I have no idea how you will be able to do this. Sometimes neither you nor him will know what you want until time goes by, don't act desperate. It will be hard and you will need help. Look for an IC for you and if you have a GOOD friend non judgemental also enlist her services. Read, write, keep yourself active and focus on you, then you can focus on the relationship. Good luck!


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Well, I will speak of my experience and I am sure more calculated people with better outcomes will post as well.
> 
> I had an idea of my husband's EA and PA for months and even knew she had been looking for it for a longer time, but had no proof until he left his old Iphone at home. I got the evidence I needed and to my surprise I was calm and patient because now I knew I was not crazy. I worked the whole day and althought I had no idea what I wanted I was too mad to not confront him. I made sure he was home early by using a lame excuse of having a lot of work and needing help with my 2 year old and once we were both home I waited until my baby was asleep to confront him. To my surprise I got myself a glass of wine and sat with im and the phone and asked him "do you want me to put the pieces together or will you be a man and explain this to me?" He denied and denied for 2 days (be ready for that) and then accepted the EA, he decided to leave on Xmas Eve (2 days before to be exact) and then confessed the PA 2 weeks afterwards.
> 
> Try and be calm, calculated and relaxed. You have all the evidence you need and he will deny everything. If you can sort out what you want and how you want it, great but you have waited for so long I have no idea how you will be able to do this. Sometimes neither you nor him will know what you want until time goes by, don't act desperate. It will be hard and you will need help. Look for an IC for you and if you have a GOOD friend non judgemental also enlist her services. Read, write, keep yourself active and focus on you, then you can focus on the relationship. Good luck!


Very good advice! A little more background here...this is not the first time this has happened. It happened a little over a year ago. I was using his laptop because mine was in the shop. I went looking for a file and stumbled on a chat log with another woman. I was so angry that I texted him immediately and told him I knew about it. He simply replied "let me know what you want to do" he had all day to think about how to deny. Later that night, he started in on my with why was I snooping around his computer....I told him to leave me alone, I needed time to think...a few days of silence later, I calmly talked to him, but I was way too easy on him. He said I was always busy and it was a game to him...I agreed to give him more attention, but let him know that it was no reason to begin cyber cheating. I did demand things like deleting yahoo from his phone/computer...etc.. he sent a NC letter to her and deleted her from his friends list on fb and from his phone. 

So, this time I need to have my ducks in a row ahead of time. Thanks for the advice....I think I need to do this soon


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Who is the OW?
If she is married or has a BF, then don't confront WH, but expose to OWH/BF and let the OWH/BF confront OW and then OW will confront WH and you just sit back and see what happens.

Or if OW is single, then expose to her family.

The best confrontation is when the wayward gets thrown under the bus while the AP tries to save there own relationship.

The goal is getting the AP out of the picture completely(ending the affair), only until then can the marrriage be addressed.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When exposing remember to ask OWH/BF for their support in the marriage, inform them that no matter what they have heard your family is very important and need as much support as possible.

Stay a way from name calling and make your self look reasonable and rational. You don't want to look like the bad guy that wants to ruin OW, but a concrened mother that is fighting for her family.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

You need to be sure of who you are dealing with since this is not the first time. Remember, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. If this is not his first and he does not seem to be remorseful (based on what you wrote), then you should get ready for at least a separation. He needs to understand that he cannot play with you and every action has a reaction. Read about the 180 and see if it is right for you. Family is great and all, but you need him to be committed to the family and not only to himself. Blaming you for his poor decisions does not show remorse, love or respect and it is typical WS behavior.

May the force be with you!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It seems probable you have a serial cheater for a husband. That means he has no respect for the marriage, family, or you. And he certainly has no love for you.

I do understand your desire for all this to go away and to maintain the marriage/family, but to do so only condones his continuous betrayals. 

So, make the decision- let this continue until he finally dumps you or take the initiative no matter how hard it will be.

My advice is to fully expose him to all. And I mean both affairs. Obtain a restraining order and send him away for a few months. You need time alone to collect your thoughts and see if living with a serial betrayer is really worth it to you. If it is, then fine. Otherwise, it'll cause you less pain and embarrassment to end it right here and now.

Be strong. For yourself and for your family.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When it gets to the point *again* were he asks you what you want him to do then ask him to leave and with that you will consider his leaving as abandonment and will act accordingly.

He will be like WTF "do you want me to leave or what" that is when you tell him you will no longer tolorate sharing him with other women and the choice he make now will be his and his alone.


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

the guy said:


> Who is the OW?
> If she is married or has a BF, then don't confront WH, but expose to OWH/BF and let the OWH/BF confront OW and then OW will confront WH and you just sit back and see what happens.
> 
> Or if OW is single, then expose to her family.
> ...


It is a woman he met online, I dont know her. I do know she is married, but from chats it seems she does this often and her husband is ok with it? She actually told him that if her husband met him, he would be ok with them "playing"


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> You need to be sure of who you are dealing with since this is not the first time. Remember, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. If this is not his first and he does not seem to be remorseful (based on what you wrote), then you should get ready for at least a separation. He needs to understand that he cannot play with you and every action has a reaction. Read about the 180 and see if it is right for you. Family is great and all, but you need him to be committed to the family and not only to himself. Blaming you for his poor decisions does not show remorse, love or respect and it is typical WS behavior.
> 
> May the force be with you!


Where can I read about the 180? I am new here and not sure what you mean. I do understand the shame on you/me thing, I guess I'm finding its more complicated that I thought.


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

the guy said:


> When it gets to the point *again* were he asks you what you want him to do then ask him to leave and with that you will consider his leaving as abandonment and will act accordingly.
> 
> He will be like WTF "do you want me to leave or what" that is when you tell him you will no longer tolorate sharing him with other women and the choice he make now will be his and his alone.


Background...he has full custody of his 2 girls. I moved into his house. Asking him to leave really isn't an option. It would have to be me moving. I recently left my job to go into an intense education program for three years. Im not saying its impossible for me to leave, but it would mean dropping my program because I will have to go back to work full time.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You need to confront and do it now. Who would watch the kids? His Mom and Dad? Show up with the girsl and tell them their son is cheating on you and the kids do not need to be exposed to this.

Tell your parents. You mentioned that you have her number. You can backtrack the owner. People say a lot in A's that is not the truth. My wife told her lover that we were seperated and were going to D. All news to me.

He may be OK with it or not but expose. Confrontation with another spouse is something they will not want.

Get this done and stop waiting for the right time it will never happen. Sorry you are going through this.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Sent you a private message.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

blindedbylove said:


> Background...he has full custody of his 2 girls. I moved into his house. Asking him to leave really isn't an option. It would have to be me moving. I recently left my job to go into an intense education program for three years. Im not saying its impossible for me to leave, but it would mean dropping my program because I will have to go back to work full time.


you do not have any family or friends to help you out or give you shelter?


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Look also for info under the guidelines and posts for newbies.


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

I just found the 180 thing. Gonna read that over real good today..it looks like d-day will be tomorrow. The girls are older, 12 and 17. I can let them know I need to talk to dad and they can make plans..chances are the 17 year old will already have plans. My plan is to confront and let him know I know. Not gonna make any attempt at how to fix or what to do about it just yet.


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> you do not have any family or friends to help you out or give you shelter?


Oh I have places I can go...I just meant that I couldnt ask him to leave. And that I have to re-think what I am going to do and how to do it. I have enough in the bank right now (have a separate account..always have) to take care of me for about a month.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Talk to a lawyer. Today if you can. Because if you leave just like that with no legal understanding you may well lose some rights. 

So if you have to delay leaving do so because he may be responsible for providing for your education. Find out what your rights are before you leave. You can still confront today but don't walk out just like that.


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## Lily_O (Dec 17, 2012)

Hi, OP. I am new here and in a similar boat. My plan is to get a hotel and a sitter for the kids. Then hand him the room key and tell him where I will be for the night and that if he wants to save our marriage then he should consider showing up. If he doesn't, then I will have papers for a separation with me when I come home.

If he does show I have a letter ready with a list of demands that include things like going to MC, IC, and reading the book 'Not Just Friends.

So we will see if he is really committed to salvaging our 15 yr marriage and being there for our 4 kids.
If not, then I am bracing myself for the worst.

Good luck with your confrontation and I am so sorry that he is giving to other women what rightfully is yours. I know it hurts like crazy, even if it isn't a PA. The betrayal is still there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Talk to a lawyer. Today if you can. Because if you leave just like that with no legal understanding you may well lose some rights.
> 
> So if you have to delay leaving do so because he may be responsible for providing for your education. Find out what your rights are before you leave. You can still confront today but don't walk out just like that.


I wouldnt completely leave...I was only thinking of leaving for a few days. Even that may be hard. Thank you though..I will definately look into my legal rights.


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

Lily_O said:


> Hi, OP. I am new here and in a similar boat. My plan is to get a hotel and a sitter for the kids. Then hand him the room key and tell him where I will be for the night and that if he wants to save our marriage then he should consider showing up. If he doesn't, then I will have papers for a separation with me when I come home.
> 
> If he does show I have a letter ready with a list of demands that include things like going to MC, IC, and reading the book 'Not Just Friends.
> 
> ...


Funny, I thought about the hotel thing too...a friend of mine works for a hotel and she has a few stays "banked" that I am sure she would give me. I wouldnt give him the key though. Not sure I would even tell him where I was. Let him think about me being serious and gone for a few days. I dont have a list of demands, only what is in my head...and it includes some kind of accountability to someone other than me. He needs to tell someone what he did and be really ready to fix it and want to stop. 
The thing that hurts the most is looking at the times of the messages...times when we were out on "dates" times we were laughing and times we were intimate just minutes after he told her he couldnt wait to kiss her sweet lips....ouch...


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

Update...D-Day happened....
Last night he had a meeting after work. Not suspicious, happens all the time and it was posted on his work calendar. And yet I was fuming thinking did he bail on the meeting...is he going to call her..is he gonna text her? Then he called after the meeting and said he was meeting an old friend that was in town for a beer. Again, I knew this friend was in town and the friend had called the house earlier in the day and mentioned that it was his last day in town and wanted to get together before he left. And yet, I was fuming again...was the friend in on it..my mind was going bonkers and I was creating all of these terrible scenarios in my head. I went and took a long hot bath and realized I cannot go on one more day. I sent a message to the OW simply stating I hope the thrill was fun because it is done. She sent one back saying OK. I know I shouldnt have sent that because I know she probably texted him but I was mad and reacted. When he got home, it was as if he didnt know. It took him 2 minutes to realize I was upset about something, so he shut the bedroom door, sat on the bed and looked at me and said whats going on? I asked him if he wanted to explain his new friend <name> or if he wanted me to give him the play by play...His face turned ghost white and asked what I wanted to know. He was nothing like I had imagined he would be. He was quiet, he asked for a moment..which I denied...I said, you dont get to have a moment...you just start talking and I'll tell you when I've heard enough. He never asked what I knew, he assumed I knew it all or he was ready to confess it all. His story matched up with everything I had read. He said they never met, but they had made several plans to meet..that he said were more of a tease thing...He said it started as a a flirt and snowballed. He asked what I wanted him to do...and I said what do you think you should do...He said I think I should stop going to those sites, you should change the password on the email so I dont know it and I'll block her number from my phone. Then he said he was going to get a counselor. I brought in the laptop and sat next to him while he logged onto verizon and blocked her number. Then I handed him his phone and he deleted the pictures, her number and the messenger app from his phone. He sent her a text that said not to contact him, he made a mistake and he wanted nothing to do with her. He told me that he loved me and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with our marriage, that this is all on him. I said you put alot in jeopardy by doing this. The girls don't need to go through another breakup and he said "forget the girls...I dont want to go through a break up." I asked him to leave the room and give me some space. He went in the other room, I fell asleep...I woke up and went to the kitchen to get some water and he was sitting on the couch crying. I didnt acknowledge it.

I woke up this morning after he left for work and the tears came. I havent really cried at all through all of this, and it was like the floodgates opened. I am trying to follow the 180, I know I need to.
The one thing I brought up to him was that I let him off too easy the last time, and this time he needs accountability with someone other than me. While I was balling my eyes out this morning, I realized that he hadnt apologized. I dont know why that bugs me so much, he obviously feels remorse..I can tell he feels very humiliated and bad, and my nature is to comfort him but I cant and I really dont want to. I keep thinking what he is feeling is nothing compared to what I am feeling, and he isnt comforting me.

I dont know where to go from here....I just dont know...


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

blindedbylove said:


> Update...D-Day happened....
> Last night he had a meeting after work. Not suspicious, happens all the time and it was posted on his work calendar. And yet I was fuming thinking did he bail on the meeting...is he going to call her..is he gonna text her? Then he called after the meeting and said he was meeting an old friend that was in town for a beer. Again, I knew this friend was in town and the friend had called the house earlier in the day and mentioned that it was his last day in town and wanted to get together before he left. And yet, I was fuming again...was the friend in on it..my mind was going bonkers and I was creating all of these terrible scenarios in my head. I went and took a long hot bath and realized I cannot go on one more day. I sent a message to the OW simply stating I hope the thrill was fun because it is done. She sent one back saying OK. I know I shouldnt have sent that because I know she probably texted him but I was mad and reacted. When he got home, it was as if he didnt know. It took him 2 minutes to realize I was upset about something, so he shut the bedroom door, sat on the bed and looked at me and said whats going on? I asked him if he wanted to explain his new friend <name> or if he wanted me to give him the play by play...His face turned ghost white and asked what I wanted to know. He was nothing like I had imagined he would be. He was quiet, he asked for a moment..which I denied...I said, you dont get to have a moment...you just start talking and I'll tell you when I've heard enough. He never asked what I knew, he assumed I knew it all or he was ready to confess it all. His story matched up with everything I had read. He said they never met, but they had made several plans to meet..that he said were more of a tease thing...He said it started as a a flirt and snowballed. He asked what I wanted him to do...and I said what do you think you should do...He said I think I should stop going to those sites, you should change the password on the email so I dont know it and I'll block her number from my phone. Then he said he was going to get a counselor. I brought in the laptop and sat next to him while he logged onto verizon and blocked her number. Then I handed him his phone and he deleted the pictures, her number and the messenger app from his phone. He sent her a text that said not to contact him, he made a mistake and he wanted nothing to do with her. He told me that he loved me and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with our marriage, that this is all on him. I said you put alot in jeopardy by doing this. The girls don't need to go through another breakup and he said "forget the girls...I dont want to go through a break up." I asked him to leave the room and give me some space. He went in the other room, I fell asleep...I woke up and went to the kitchen to get some water and he was sitting on the couch crying. I didnt acknowledge it.
> 
> I woke up this morning after he left for work and the tears came. I havent really cried at all through all of this, and it was like the floodgates opened. I am trying to follow the 180, I know I need to.
> ...


I think that went quite well and I am glad it went the way it did for your sake and the kids. Let him suffer some, he deserves it for what he has done. I would do the 180 and let him wonder where you are in your thoughts, give him NOTHING and let him do all the hard work to earn it all back. You dont have to be an absolute ***** to him but you can be distant...make him wonder!


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I think that went quite well and I am glad it went the way it did for your sake and the kids. Let him suffer some, he deserves it for what he has done. I would do the 180 and let him wonder where you are in your thoughts, give him NOTHING and let him do all the hard work to earn it all back. You dont have to be an absolute ***** to him but you can be distant...make him wonder!


I too thought it went better than I expected. I really thought he would try to make excuses or try to blow it off. He seems really upset with himself. We have plans for new years with our friends, should I cancel them? While I dont want to wallow in this, I dont want to do things that will make him think I've forgotten or I've let it go.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

A guy wrote this but it still applies.

*Originally Posted by marduk 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything! 

Like | Talk with a Live Online Counselor *


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The ball is in his court at this time. Did you get into MC with him yet? Also did you have him write a NC letter. I bet he still has her phone number and address somewhere.

Keep up the 180. It is time for him to prove that he really wants to work things out with him. I would not be confident that this is over. A's do not die unless there is exposure and you have not done that part yet.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Wow Chaparal that is an excellent post and it shows what I have been saying here... you need to take care of yourself and then you will see where you want to go and where the relationship may fall into. By doing this you bring balance into the situation and you take control over it. One huge mistake we BS's always make is becoming desperate which puts us in a situation of not in control. This gives the WS an advantage that helps them manipulate us, and believe me they know this and know how to use it. It is easier said than done and it took me a while, but I was only able to do it once I got my head out of my a** and focused on me and what I REALLY NEEDDED!


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

Thanks for that chapperal...a lot of good pointers there!


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

mahike said:


> The ball is in his court at this time. Did you get into MC with him yet? Also did you have him write a NC letter. I bet he still has her phone number and address somewhere.
> 
> Keep up the 180. It is time for him to prove that he really wants to work things out with him. I would not be confident that this is over. A's do not die unless there is exposure and you have not done that part yet.


We have not gotten into MC yet. He sent a NC text to her while I was right there watching. Yes, if he wanted to contact her again, he could get the number again I am sure. He could log onto verizon and look at the list of blocked numbers, he could unblock her number. I dont "think" he would do this. His method (based on the last time) seems to be that now she is associated with getting caught. If he does this again, it would be with a different girl. As far as exposure, I am still figuring out how to do that. I'm not the type to air dirty laundry all over town. I will force him to be accountable to more than just me. I failed at that the last time.


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Wow Chaparal that is an excellent post and it shows what I have been saying here... you need to take care of yourself and then you will see where you want to go and where the relationship may fall into. By doing this you bring balance into the situation and you take control over it. One huge mistake we BS's always make is becoming desperate which puts us in a situation of not in control. This gives the WS an advantage that helps them manipulate us, and believe me they know this and know how to use it. It is easier said than done and it took me a while, but I was only able to do it once I got my head out of my a** and focused on me and what I REALLY NEEDDED!


Its not in my personality to back down. Yes I let him off easy last time, but since then, every arguement we have I have been able to stay strong and true to what I believe is right. I am willing to compromise in certain situations, but I am not afraid to be alone, I made it on my own for almost 10 years with 3 young kids and I know I can do it again, this time without the little ones  I have my schooling that will advance my career..I have personal goals, I take care of myself. The one attraction he has always had towards me is that I am not "needy". One example we laugh about is my hatred for ironing. I don't do it unless it is absolutely necessary! I dont buy clothes that I know will wrinkle easy, haha. If he needs a shirt ironed, he does it himself. He asked me once and I gave him that look and he went and got the board out himself. At the same time, if he needs me to do almost anything else, he knows he can ask and if I can do it, I will. He can count on me to do what needs to be done and I feel I can count on him the same way. 
My weakness is that because I "like" him so much, I will want my friend back before I want my husband back...if that makes sense.
We normally send texts back and forth throughout the day and it is actually difficult for me today not to send the "smile and have a good day" text.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A couple of other things:

1. Change the password he uses on his phone to install apps. This would be the itunes password if this is an iphone. You keep the password. Also go into itunes and change where it sends password changes to, to go to an account you control. 

This will stop him from adding new apps like that, or messaging apps to keep in touch.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

blindedbylove said:


> I too thought it went better than I expected. I really thought he would try to make excuses or try to blow it off. He seems really upset with himself. We have plans for new years with our friends, should I cancel them? While I dont want to wallow in this, I dont want to do things that will make him think I've forgotten or I've let it go.


I would probably be torn about that too. If you value your friends and dont want to bail on them then you could go. Tell him you're not going for him but for them.

Its really upsetting to me when my friends bail on me after we have planned something but if you tell them why Im sure they would understand.

Do only what makes you comfortable!


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I would probably be torn about that too. If you value your friends and dont want to bail on them then you could go. Tell him you're not going for him but for them.
> 
> Its really upsetting to me when my friends bail on me after we have planned something but if you tell them why Im sure they would understand.
> 
> Do only what makes you comfortable!


It's an organized party which we paid for. I called my friend who set it up and explained why we wont be able to go. I told her to give the tickets to another couple who maybe wanted to go but couldnt afford it. I feel better knowing someone who can truly enjoy themselves will be able to. So that is settled.


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> A couple of other things:
> 
> 1. Change the password he uses on his phone to install apps. This would be the itunes password if this is an iphone. You keep the password. Also go into itunes and change where it sends password changes to, to go to an account you control.
> 
> This will stop him from adding new apps like that, or messaging apps to keep in touch.


we dont have to use passwords for apps. but I will be checking his phone, daily if I have to to check out what apps are on there.


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## alone/7 (Feb 11, 2012)

OMGosh! I feel your pain. I have the excact story you are telling. Don't know how to confront him, or fear the worst of him getting mad and leaving, like a bat out of Hell, which I know he will do. I have proof of copies of him messeging someone in picticular and others on a nasty dating sight. He is even telling her of the son we lost 19 years ago and calling her Gourgous while he tells me he loves me and wants to have sex with me which I do, but it is so hard, since he is lying to me. He also put on the dating sight that his wife dosen't like sex. He is such a lier. I don't want to loose him for putting in 30 years of marriage, but why is he deceieving me like this? I don't know what I did. Dome one pls.help!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Blinded----Do your self a very large favor---if you intend to stay with your H----MAKE HIM SIGN A POST--NUP, with a DURESS CLAUSE

Gear it to an 80--20 split in your favor of everything that has been produced during the mge. (value wise)-----also demand alimony no matter what------what you do about the kids---up to you

Let's see how really serious he is----up to now, you have asked for/demanded/not gotten ANY ACCOUNTABILITY WHATSOEVER---it is time for that to change.

Boundaries, with one consequence and one only---need to go into place-----that consequence, would be immediate D., and the immediate taking effect of the post--nup clauses

You need to do these things---so in the future you can look at yourself in the mirror, and see that the person looking back at you has respect and honor ---FOR HERSELF!!!!!!!


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

alone/7 said:


> OMGosh! I feel your pain. I have the excact story you are telling. Don't know how to confront him, or fear the worst of him getting mad and leaving, like a bat out of Hell, which I know he will do. I have proof of copies of him messeging someone in picticular and others on a nasty dating sight. He is even telling her of the son we lost 19 years ago and calling her Gourgous while he tells me he loves me and wants to have sex with me which I do, but it is so hard, since he is lying to me. He also put on the dating sight that his wife dosen't like sex. He is such a lier. I don't want to loose him for putting in 30 years of marriage, but why is he deceieving me like this? I don't know what I did. Dome one pls.help!


I get that you dont want to end the marriage after so long, but do you want to live in a marriage of deceit? I didnt know how my husband would react, or I though I knew but he didnt react how I thought. The only way you will know for sure is to confront him. I feel your pain, but he needs to feel your pain..


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

Day 2....The only communication we had during the day was a few texts regarding him not coming home for lunch because he had a class at work (he works 5 minutes from house) and if our daughter needed the car, she would have to walk up and get it. He came home almost in a good mood. He asked me how my day was...hmm... well I spent most of it balling my eyes out from releasing emotions I have held in for the last few weeks. I kept myself busy around the house cleaning things that didnt need to be cleaned. And I've been writing and re-writing to try to get a plan and my demands and boundries in place and looking for a counselor....THATS how my f-ing day was! Of course all I said out loud was "it was fine, I am ordering pizza for dinner" See..I am trying to follow the 180 but I am confused...it says not to be cold...but not to be too friendly either...I'm not sure how to do that...I can do one or the other..and last night I chose cold. He tried making little comments about the dogs, kids...asking me about house stuff...and I was cold and to the point even though I was trying to just be blah about it. When the girls left to hang out with friends, I couldnt take being in the room with him so I told him I was running to the store. Was gone about 20 minutes, came home to find him in the den on my computer. My computer is the "main" line for the internet connection and he was *****ing about the cord being broken and the internet being down and he needed to take an online test for work. He threw the cord and said that no one respects anything and he wasnt fixing it this time. Went and pouted in the other room. I pulled the spare cord from the drawer, fixed it and walked in and said, I fixed it, you can take your test now...by the way, I'm sure that this is the cord that when you hooked up the cable you said would need to be replaced soon. He grunted and went to take the test. I sat in the living room and he sat in the den all night with the door closed. I walked in the den at 10, told him I was going to bed. Im not sure what time he came in to bed, but he slept so close to the edge I almost laughed about it. His knees were hanging off the bed. I almost said if he was that uncomfortable sleeping with me, the couch or futon upstairs would be more comfortable. 
My questions on the 180 are this...
1. Am I supposed to just go about my evening as if I am independent of him...meaning should I have just left to go the store without saying anything..and likewise with going to bed?
2. It was almost as if he was turning the coldness around on me. How do I react to that? My instinct is to put my nose up as if he has no business treating me that way, and start banging doors and what not.


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey Blinded----Do your self a very large favor---if you intend to stay with your H----MAKE HIM SIGN A POST--NUP, with a DURESS CLAUSE
> 
> Gear it to an 80--20 split in your favor of everything that has been produced during the mge. (value wise)-----also demand alimony no matter what------what you do about the kids---up to you
> 
> ...


I am in the process of writing out the boundries list. Thank you for reminding me of adding the consequences!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

blindedbylove said:


> Day 2....The only communication we had during the day was a few texts regarding him not coming home for lunch because he had a class at work (he works 5 minutes from house) and if our daughter needed the car, she would have to walk up and get it. He came home almost in a good mood. He asked me how my day was...hmm... well I spent most of it balling my eyes out from releasing emotions I have held in for the last few weeks. I kept myself busy around the house cleaning things that didnt need to be cleaned. And I've been writing and re-writing to try to get a plan and my demands and boundries in place and looking for a counselor....THATS how my f-ing day was! Of course all I said out loud was "it was fine, I am ordering pizza for dinner" See..I am trying to follow the 180 but I am confused...it says not to be cold...but not to be too friendly either...I'm not sure how to do that...I can do one or the other..and last night I chose cold. He tried making little comments about the dogs, kids...asking me about house stuff...and I was cold and to the point even though I was trying to just be blah about it. When the girls left to hang out with friends, I couldnt take being in the room with him so I told him I was running to the store. Was gone about 20 minutes, came home to find him in the den on my computer. My computer is the "main" line for the internet connection and he was *****ing about the cord being broken and the internet being down and he needed to take an online test for work. He threw the cord and said that no one respects anything and he wasnt fixing it this time. Went and pouted in the other room. I pulled the spare cord from the drawer, fixed it and walked in and said, I fixed it, you can take your test now...by the way, I'm sure that this is the cord that when you hooked up the cable you said would need to be replaced soon. He grunted and went to take the test. I sat in the living room and he sat in the den all night with the door closed. I walked in the den at 10, told him I was going to bed. Im not sure what time he came in to bed, but he slept so close to the edge I almost laughed about it. His knees were hanging off the bed. I almost said if he was that uncomfortable sleeping with me, the couch or futon upstairs would be more comfortable.
> My questions on the 180 are this...
> 1. Am I supposed to just go about my evening as if I am independent of him...meaning should I have just left to go the store without saying anything..and likewise with going to bed?
> 2. It was almost as if he was turning the coldness around on me. How do I react to that? My instinct is to put my nose up as if he has no business treating me that way, and start banging doors and what not.


, 

I have a hard time with the 180 myself. Im either a witch or sweet, there is no in between for me. When Im a witch my husband makes comments like "whats wrong with you, you're *****y today, what is it now, arnt you being arrogant, etc". Or I can be my chatty happy self and he thinks nothing is wrong. 

Someone suggested to me that I mimic his actions, if he's cold, be cold. If he's nice, be nice. I found that easier then just trying to do the 180. 

As far as going to the store I would have just said "ill be back later", he doesnt need to know where you are going or what you are doing. I would have went to bed without word, how would he have known anyway if he was in the den with the door closed all night? Honestly the colder you can be the better off you are.


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> ,
> 
> I have a hard time with the 180 myself. Im either a witch or sweet, there is no in between for me. When Im a witch my husband makes comments like "whats wrong with you, you're *****y today, what is it now, arnt you being arrogant, etc". Or I can be my chatty happy self and he thinks nothing is wrong.
> 
> ...


Can I ask how long you have been doing the 180? I thought about saying Ill be back later, or just putting on my coat and leaving...good advice...I'll have to remember that one. And I almost didnt tell him I was going to bed..I kicked myself for it later.

There is this huge part of me that wants him to come crying to me apologizing...it isnt in his nature to do that kind of thing, but its like I want to see that he regrets it. Yes, I want him to grovel, beg...I want to know he is scared....

I am really dreading the weekend. I am thinking of leaving for the weekend. I really feel like getting in my car and just driving until I run out of gas, then stopping at the first hotel and staying...for a couple reasons...to sort out what I need to insist on for any chance of staying together, and to get my head clearer so I am ready for school in a week.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Im not the right person to ask about how long to do it. I am three years into R and still have to do it from time to time depending on the way he acts. I wasnt a member of this forum on my DD, so I didnt implement it in the beginning (wish I had). 

I dont see anything wrong with leaving for the weekend. If thats what you want to do then you should do it.

As far as wanting him to be remorseful, beg, etc. Its not in my H's nature to be that way so its made things alot harder. The most I get out of him is when I tell him Im fed up and ready to be done...then he acts like he cares. I hope yours isnt that bad...lol


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im not the right person to ask about how long to do it. I am three years into R and still have to do it from time to time depending on the way he acts. I wasnt a member of this forum on my DD, so I didnt implement it in the beginning (wish I had).
> 
> I dont see anything wrong with leaving for the weekend. If thats what you want to do then you should do it.
> 
> As far as wanting him to be remorseful, beg, etc. Its not in my H's nature to be that way so its made things alot harder. The most I get out of him is when I tell him Im fed up and ready to be done...then he acts like he cares. I hope yours isnt that bad...lol


He is that bad...maybe worse...I havent told him I'm done. I really do need to get away though..even if its only for a night. I dont want to stay with family or friends, because I want that alone thinking time that I just cant get here with the kids and him here. And I wont lie...I dont want to tell him how long I am leaving for...I want him to worry..I want him to think...I want him to feel the pain of not knowing what I am going to do..


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The 180 is a tool to get ready for divorce NOT to bring a wayward spouse back.

Try this, print this and study it with your husband.

*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to do this for yourself. Its written by a man but that neither here nor there.

*Originally Posted by marduk 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything!*


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

That is amazing information! I did save and print it out. I will give it to him to read tonight. Thanks also for the tips on the 180...I wondered about if that was really what I needed to do. I do think there were some good things in there but not all of it applied to me. I think this list for him would be good, and my hope is that he will glean something from it and be willing to actually put it in place. I do think he will find it helpful in understanding me, but I'm not sure he will be willing to do some of the things on there. I guess its one way for me to see if he is truly ready to put this behind us and be "us" again.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Do read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

I responded to you on the "cyber cheater" thread. 

I do think that he can still love you and have done despicable things. Once he sees that he cannot get away with a cake eater life, then all will be made clear. But you first must put your foot down so that he understands it is you ONLY or divorce.

I'm assuming you confronted. What happened? I know you are going through a really hard time - been there and still am though today is much better than one month ago. 

Keep sharing your story. I'm invested in it! Hang in there!


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

blindedbylove said:


> Update...D-Day happened....
> Last night he had a meeting after work. Not suspicious, happens all the time and it was posted on his work calendar. And yet I was fuming thinking did he bail on the meeting...is he going to call her..is he gonna text her? Then he called after the meeting and said he was meeting an old friend that was in town for a beer. Again, I knew this friend was in town and the friend had called the house earlier in the day and mentioned that it was his last day in town and wanted to get together before he left. And yet, I was fuming again...was the friend in on it..my mind was going bonkers and I was creating all of these terrible scenarios in my head. I went and took a long hot bath and realized I cannot go on one more day. I sent a message to the OW simply stating I hope the thrill was fun because it is done. She sent one back saying OK. I know I shouldnt have sent that because I know she probably texted him but I was mad and reacted. When he got home, it was as if he didnt know. It took him 2 minutes to realize I was upset about something, so he shut the bedroom door, sat on the bed and looked at me and said whats going on? I asked him if he wanted to explain his new friend <name> or if he wanted me to give him the play by play...His face turned ghost white and asked what I wanted to know. He was nothing like I had imagined he would be. He was quiet, he asked for a moment..which I denied...I said, you dont get to have a moment...you just start talking and I'll tell you when I've heard enough. He never asked what I knew, he assumed I knew it all or he was ready to confess it all. His story matched up with everything I had read. He said they never met, but they had made several plans to meet..that he said were more of a tease thing...He said it started as a a flirt and snowballed. He asked what I wanted him to do...and I said what do you think you should do...He said I think I should stop going to those sites, you should change the password on the email so I dont know it and I'll block her number from my phone. Then he said he was going to get a counselor. I brought in the laptop and sat next to him while he logged onto verizon and blocked her number. Then I handed him his phone and he deleted the pictures, her number and the messenger app from his phone. He sent her a text that said not to contact him, he made a mistake and he wanted nothing to do with her. He told me that he loved me and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with our marriage, that this is all on him. I said you put alot in jeopardy by doing this. The girls don't need to go through another breakup and he said "forget the girls...I dont want to go through a break up." I asked him to leave the room and give me some space. He went in the other room, I fell asleep...I woke up and went to the kitchen to get some water and he was sitting on the couch crying. I didnt acknowledge it.
> 
> I woke up this morning after he left for work and the tears came. I havent really cried at all through all of this, and it was like the floodgates opened. I am trying to follow the 180, I know I need to.
> ...


Your confrontation is so much like mine. And we both let our wayward spouses off too easy the first time. My big question is can they change for good? Or will they stray (on the internet or wherever) in ten years or twenty? This betrayal occurred out of their own active searching for it. They weren't even in a situation where they were seriously tempted - e.g. working with someone who they have a strong emotional connection with, etc.

While I carry on reconciling, I am constantly aware that the odds of success in the long run are not on my side. That is very disheartening. They may be remorseful for now. But what about twenty years later. Seriously! Ahhh, sorry I am venting here now too!


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

So Friday night he came home and we continued the no talking thing. That drives me more crazy than anything...I was contemplating leaving, staying in a hotel, going to a friends, anything to get out of the house. The kids were around and I couldnt bring myself to leave them. So I sent him a text that I had printed out something I wanted him to read on his dresser, I was going for a drive and he should call me when he wants to talk about it. He texted about 10 minutes after I left and told me to come home. He sat in silence as I talked...I asked why he had been basically ignoring me and not talking to me. He said he was embarassed and that my body language said I didnt want him around. He told me he was very sorry for what he did to me and more sorry that he hurt me and that he was committed to changing and getting help for this addiction. He said he wasnt doing it for me, he was doing it for him. He said he knew that I may not be able to stay in the relationship but he knew it is a part of him that goes against what he believes and he doesnt like it. When I told him I needed total transparancy....passwords to phone and email, he was quiet...I knew this was a tough one and in my pit I knew I wouldnt get it. But I also knew that without it I wouldnt be able to heal. I told him that happy couples dont have secrets, they dont hide their phones from their spouses but most of all it would give me reassurance that it would be more difficult for him to slip back into the behavior if he knew that at any moment I would be able to check. We sat in silence for a long time, me thinking how he will never give that up. I sat thinking of how this is going to turn to the 180 and I will be planning on how to end our relationship. 

He broke the silence by telling me how much he loves me and how he didnt want to address some of the things that I said because I was angry and he didnt want to fight...he wanted me to be able to vent and get all of my feelings out in the open. He said he was very sorry for everything. When I said "you wont do it, will you" he said he wanted to but he was scared. He set the phone on the dresser and asked me to go sit with him in the living room but said if I didnt want to he understood. I chose not to. I didnt look at the phone, I just cried buckets. He came in after an hour and looked at me and just whispered...I'm sorry for doing this to you..

The next morning when I woke up he was gone, a note told me he was sorry he was being a coward, he left the phone and password on the table. I made coffee and sat down...I read more than I wanted to read...emails, facebook messages... There was an email that told the girl that he was sorry to her for ever contacting her, and that he couldnt have any contact with her ever again, whether "my wife stays or goes" because all she was was a thrill for a moment. It was sent the morning after confrontation.
When he came home we went about doing things we had to do around the house...together. We shopped, we laughed. We had lunch. He never asked if I looked and I never said if I did. He left his phone home, and the one time he went on the computer, he used the home computer on the desk where all could see. Yesterday afternoon we were sitting in the den watching tv when he looked at me and said "this is a time when I would go online" I could tell he was agitated, like an addict needing a fix. I thanked him for telling me, I knew it was hard for him to admit that. And I realized that no matter what happens to us, the bottom line is that I care about him as a person and I want to help him. I suggested we go online together and we did..we read funny news stories and laughed. At the end of the day he told me I was an amazing woman and he appreciated me for so many reasons. What I didnt tell him back is that he has always made me feel appreciated and he has always put me on a pedestal...and except for this one issue I have never felt he didnt. 
I dont know where we will go from here...I know its a long road to heal and in the back of my mind I know it can happen again...but I also know I am not ready to leave.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds very encouraging, Don't you think?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Wow that was hughe I am not sure I have heard about the WS leaving teh phone and passwords and just walking out. In most cases the WS would have deleted everything, covered their tracks before giving up a phone.

I am not trying to read to much into this but to me it shows remorse, looking to try and rebuild a broker marriage.

If you are not in MC and IC for him, you need to do that ASAP. You should note the time he said he would have normaly gone on line and try to engage him during that time. a talk, a walk doing something with the kids. 

Best of luck on these first real steps


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

And here I was thinking your WH was like mine...not even close. Mine would NEVER do something like that (leave his phone and password and leave). I think thats a huge step in the right directions. I wouldnt make him suffer but I wouldnt give him all of me completely yet either. Dont let your guard down yet...be reserved.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Yesterday afternoon we were sitting in the den watching tv when he looked at me and said "this is a time when I would go online" I could tell he was agitated, like an addict needing a fix. I thanked him for telling me, I knew it was hard for him to admit that. And I realized that no matter what happens to us, the bottom line is that I care about him as a person and I want to help him. I suggested we go online together and we did..we read funny news stories and laughed. 

:smthumbup:

You rock lady!! Marry me, marry me!


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