# Found letter from another woman 12 years after it was sent.



## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

We were together 7 years planning our wedding were to be married in 3 months time when my husband to be went away for the weekend. I had just lost a baby 2 weeks previous to this.
12 years later I found a letter to him from a woman dated 2 weeks after weekend away.contents of Letter as follows
"How are you getting on hope you remember me the one with the 9 out of 10 bum or so you said. I said I would write so it's your turn next. Hope you got home safely after you left the town wasn't the same so we went home too. I think it would be nice to meet again and as you know I have an apartment of my own so you're welcome any time. Please write and let me know and not have me building up my hopes. I really liked you and I mean when you get to your age you just can't pick and choose.
Hope to hear from you soon. Love xx
Showed him letter asking for explanation all I got was verbal abuse about how I shouldn't have been going through his personal stuff.
I found this letter in 1995 and I was not in a position then to leave or my children would have suffered. Children now grown up and this incident and a few other gut feeling of him not being faithful


never leaves my thoughts. I feel I am in a position to leave now but thinking if I have come this far just carry on. In general I dont have a bad life. What should I do?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

What are the more current red flags? 

In order for him to take you serious, he'll need to believe that you will divorce him rather than continue to live with the uncertainty that he's been 100% faithful.

See your attorney (the first hour is typically free) about how divorce with impact you (it makes a statement that you're serious).

Separate your banks accounts (it also makes a statement).

Insist on a polygraph test. Inform him that although the 'truth' may make R difficult - any further deceit will guarantee that you guys D. Therefore, it's in his best interest to disclose everything prior to the polygraph.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Maybe it was his last hurrah before he married you. Any reason to think he's been cheating since marriage? I wouldn't throw away a relationship on that if he's been a good husband.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Wow, you carried this for 12 years? I can understand to some degree the need to carry on for your young children, now it’s time for you. I take it that you are in your 40’s/50’s, would you want the next 30 years to be in the situation you are in, would you be comfortable in a pretend marriage for the sake of appearances?

I think you have to question yourself and in turn make the decision based on your feelings. You stated that you had further gut feelings after the initial issue, I think if you read some of the posts here, you’ll find that most will say trust your gut.

Bottom line, what have you got to lose If you leave now Versus what do you gain besides your self esteem.

wishing you well on your deliberations.

OT


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Maybe it was his last hurrah before he married you.


Yeah... that's still not acceptable. An exclusive relationship means no other partners, married or not.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

If you are going to continue you need to establish what is real or not, what is true or not .

You have decades of life left and that can be a long time with someone you have doubts about or only feel like you are a 50-60% loved wife.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Is your husband usually verbally abusive? Or abusive is any other way? 

His reaction to being confronted is not acceptable, but pretty typical for a cheater being confronted. For some people though, guilty or not, if they are backed into a corner they will lash out. Did you only ask about this letter once then drop it?

Have there been any other signs at all that he was unfaithful? 

I wouldn't be jumping to divorce based on that letter alone. Obviously, at best, your husband flirted with another woman while on vacation. At worst he slept with her and carried on an affair, but at the time of that letter it really doesn't sound like things went as far as sex. It's quite possible he did some inappropriate flirting, came home, and that was that. If things carried on in would assume there would be at least a few more letters hidden with the first. 

You do need to try to get to the bottom of this though, if you don't it will continue to eat away at you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PatBeggs said:


> We were together 7 years planning our wedding were to be married in 3 months time when my husband to be went away for the weekend. I had just lost a baby 2 weeks previous to this.
> 12 years later I found a letter to him from a woman dated 2 weeks after weekend away.contents of Letter as follows
> "How are you getting on hope you remember me the one with the 9 out of 10 bum or so you said. I said I would write so it's your turn next. Hope you got home safely after you left the town wasn't the same so we went home too. I think it would be nice to meet again and as you know I have an apartment of my own so you're welcome any time. Please write and let me know and not have me building up my hopes. I really liked you and I mean when you get to your age you just can't pick and choose.
> Hope to hear from you soon. Love xx
> ...


I think that you need counselling to help you get through these issues.

Does your husband know of your feelings on this?

Has he cheated on you, do you think?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Leave vs stay. That depends on a lot of things. Plenty of women in long marriages choose to stay to the end — despite what their husbands have done in the distant/recent past. I currently know a few (and I almost was one). If you’re hoping to outlive him and finally be free you need to keep in mind he may be the survivor. Of course, you’ll still be out of it if he survives but just not the way you might want.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

The letter was written in 1983 and you discovered it in 1995. You don't say if you wanted to leave in 1995, but you say you couldn't because of (finances and children). Now you can leave 25 years after you discovered the letter.

Is the letter something that bothers you. That he may have cheated as he was marryng you. You both made it 37 years. There are men who have posted here very similar, saying that they just found out now 30 years later, and they usually (none that I'm aware) are not ready to leave over it. They consider it.

You say you don't have a bad life. You don't say how much it bothers you - the letter and cheating - of 37 years ago. And him not ever telling you about it. How much does it bother you? Are there other reasons that you want to leave him?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Does he say why he kept the letter?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@PatBeggs , it doesn't sound too good. You don't need permission to leave him, hell many leave for less. What you have to decide is whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has cheated on you (100%) treats you like dirt when you confront him and has probably as you say done it other times too.
You must weigh the costs of staying and leaving, only you can make that decision. It seems like you are thinking of leaving but need a push. 
have you discussed this with friends?


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## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

aine said:


> @PatBeggs , it doesn't sound too good. You don't need permission to leave him, hell many leave for less. What you have to decide is whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has cheated on you (100%) treats you like dirt when you confront him and has probably as you say done it other times too.
> You must weigh the costs of staying and leaving, only you can make that decision. It seems like you are thinking of leaving but need a push.
> have you discussed this with friends?


No haven't told anyone, I'm not great at talking to other people about my problems hence coming on here.


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## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

Thor said:


> Does he say why he kept the letter?


That's what baffles me why keep something that is proof he was at the very least flirting if not more with someone so close to getting married he also made the effort to give her his address. We were living at that address 3 months after this what if she had arrived to see him.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Let me get this straight. in 1995 you found a letter that was written in 1983. At the time the letter was written you two had been in a relationship 7 years (since 1976). Now you want to file a divorce in 2020. (44 year relationship). 
Well after getting away with a weekend fling for 37 years (25 years from DDay) I suspect he will be a bit surprised. But on the other hand he had a pretty long run with you, and his life insurance (paid up at this point?) can go a long way to scoring a sugar baby.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The past is always part of your life.
If it was a painful past, the memory of the pain never quite subsides.
And it simply cannot go away if the reminder of it, faces you, or touches you in some way.... everyday.

We do not own the future until it arrives.
A future without (a pain in the arse), always sounds more promising.

His weekend fling all those years ago sounds like it went to physical.

They must have gone to an unsatisfying place, maybe a flophouse, maybe a pricey hotel for their tryst.

This fact was born out by her saying that she now has a flat.
And because of this, cost was not an issue.
And, she flat-out invited him to her place for a free romp.

He kept the letter because it brought back, prime-time, fine-time memories.

It sounds as if you have never forgotten, nor have never forgiven him for his trespasses.

I kanna nah blame ya.

We only have, but one life to live, and if this life can be made better, you better plan on leaving this dour, this sour and flawed bloke.


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## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

bobert said:


> Is your husband usually verbally abusive? Or abusive is any other way?
> 
> His reaction to being confronted is not acceptable, but pretty typical for a cheater being confronted. For some people though, guilty or not, if they are backed into a corner they will lash out. Did you only ask about this letter once then drop it?
> 
> ...


You are right I need to ask him for a full explanation of why he kept the letter why he felt the need to give her his address a bit of flirting would be acceptable but he wanted her to write otherwise he wouldn't have given his address.


MattMatt said:


> I think that you need counselling to help you get through these issues.
> 
> Does your husband know of your feelings on this?
> 
> Has he cheated on you, do you think?


My gut feeling tells me he has. Nothing concrete but I think you just know.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I figure you're in your sixties. How old is he? 

Do you still have sex? Do you love him? Would you be better off with him or without him? Would he be better off with you or without you?


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## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> I figure you're in your sixties. How old is he?
> 
> Do you still have sex? Do you love him? Would you be better off with him or without him? Would he be better off with you or without you?


Im 61 he's 68


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## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

PatBeggs said:


> Im 61 he's 68





PatBeggs said:


> Im 61 he's 68


We are still intimate yes but he's keener than me due to a few issues I have. I think we could both cope OK without each other although initially if would be hard.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You have suffered 25 years over this letter. If your intent is to make him suffer an equal time, You had better get on that right away, he might not live long enough to finish the term. On the other hand if you just want acknowledgement. You have earned the olympic gold medal for grudge holding. Congratulations. 

Honestly, Blondie has the right of it. You have no need to justify leaving him. People break up every day. What matters is will you be happier without him? What is it you want. If you are as healthy as my grandmother you have around 30 years to look forward to. If your health is more like mine you might have 10.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

PatBeggs said:


> We were together 7 years planning our wedding were to be married in 3 months time when my husband to be went away for the weekend. I had just lost a baby 2 weeks previous to this.
> 12 years later I found a letter to him from a woman dated 2 weeks after weekend away.contents of Letter as follows
> "How are you getting on hope you remember me the one with the 9 out of 10 bum or so you said. I said I would write so it's your turn next. Hope you got home safely after you left the town wasn't the same so we went home too. I think it would be nice to meet again and as you know I have an apartment of my own so you're welcome any time. Please write and let me know and not have me building up my hopes. I really liked you and I mean when you get to your age you just can't pick and choose.
> Hope to hear from you soon. Love xx
> ...


Seems like a good time to reassess you position in life. If he gives you a hard time be sure to yell at him and tell him to mind his own ****ing business.

That being said, I think I might have a letter that my first girlfriend gave me upstairs with a bunch of things I saved over my life. This was way before I met my wife and since we ended on a good note (at least in my mind). I kept it.

So my question is are you sure this is from when you were dating? That is not withstanding his verbal abuse of you. If my wife found that I would just tell her the truth. I have no feeling for this person other then fond memories of a nice person I had a brief relationship with. I didn't cheat or anything like that, in fact when I meat my wife I hadn't spoken to this person in years. Also very different then the person who cheated on me who at one point a asked to marry me. I destroyed everything from her. Figured why hole on to fake memories.

Anyway it's a shame your husband handled this like an ass. Is he always like that? Maybe that is reason enough to be done.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Keeping the letter doesn't bother me as much as the fact he had a fling while you were engaged to be married. That would be the part that sticks. But even then, if my wife loved me, treated me well and I had a satisfying marriage, I think I could forgive this -it was before the wedding vows and water under the bridge. Sounds like you don't have all that great a marriage, though.

My wife, for example, kept a bunch of love letters, etc, from a couple of her old, long term boyfriends before me. They were part of her memory box. While I found it kind of annoying (as we still know one of those guys in a friend group), and questioned her about it, this wasn't a deal breaker for me. It was more of a memory that made up her life, something that reminded her of a precious time in her youth.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

I was in the same position that you were in, except that we had been married 26 yrs. when I was sent loving birthday cards that my husband had given to her. Her husband found them and mailed them to me. Her husband tried to warn me 3 yrs. before and I confronted my husband and he lied and made up a very good story and I believed him. Then I started thinking about things, did some research and found out that he went away 3 weekends with her. He convinced me that they didn't have sex, it was only for them to be alone, yea right! I even had him take 3 lie detector test and their was a question about them having sex and he didn't totally pass it. I was in so much pain as I had loved him so much and thought he felt the same way about me. Our sex life was good, we were both affectionate with each other, etc. I even joked with him about him never having an affair. Five years of counseling for me, he went sometimes and said he didn't believe in them. I left him twice as I was so upset with him saying things and I felt he was lying about it. I too didn't feel that I could leave. One child still at home, one in college and a high school education and had never been on my own. So I went through hell, lies, defensive, not acting remorseful. 

Fast forward 30 yrs. later and I can't live with the thoughts of the love letters and he things he said to her. Sleeping with her, rather if they had sex or not. Three lie detector tests and the last one, the examiner didn't ask the one question that I wanted the answer to, $500 gone to waste. I don't have any feelings for him, have flashbacks all the time and just can't live with the knowledge of a betrayal of over 3 yrs. I was in my late 30's by the way when it took place. Now my health isn't good, I'm 76 yrs. old, 7 grandchildren, all grown and they think the world of us. They don't know and I never want them to. Nice home, no money worries, just me having flashbacks all the time of them together and living with someone you have no feelings for, along with him always trying to control everything. Now, I'm to tired to even bother with it. My biggest mistake was I didn't leave him over 30 yrs. ago and I'm miserable. Don't make the same mistake as me. Just kick him out and let the future take care of itself. Best of luck to you.

Granny7


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## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

Gabriel said:


> Keeping the letter doesn't bother me as much as the fact he had a fling while you were engaged to be married. That would be the part that sticks. But even then, if my wife loved me, treated me well and I had a satisfying marriage, I think I could forgive this -it was before the wedding vows and water under the bridge. Sounds like you don't have all that great a marriage, though.
> 
> My wife, for example, kept a bunch of love letters, etc, from a couple of her old, long term boyfriends before me. They were part of her memory box. While I found it kind of annoying (as we still know one of those guys in a friend group), and questioned her about it, this wasn't a deal breaker for me. It was more of a memory that made up her life, something that reminded her of a precious time in her youth.


My husband has kept a lot of letters too from a long term girlfriend he had before me. This doesn't bother me one bit, but why would you chance keeping a letter written so close to us getting married. Seems to me he didnt care if I found it.
I can't even be bothered approaching him about it as I will probably only be told a whole lot of lies. There's so many other questions I have but I have tried approaching him before and get nowhere.
Somewhere deep down I maybe don't want to know the whole truth.


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## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

Granny7 said:


> I was in the same position that you were in, except that we had been married 26 yrs. when I was sent loving birthday cards that my husband had given to her. Her husband found them and mailed them to me. Her husband tried to warn me 3 yrs. before and I confronted my husband and he lied and made up a very good story and I believed him. Then I started thinking about things, did some research and found out that he went away 3 weekends with her. He convinced me that they didn't have sex, it was only for them to be alone, yea right! I even had him take 3 lie detector test and their was a question about them having sex and he didn't totally pass it. I was in so much pain as I had loved him so much and thought he felt the same way about me. Our sex life was good, we were both affectionate with each other, etc. I even joked with him about him never having an affair. Five years of counseling for me, he went sometimes and said he didn't believe in them. I left him twice as I was so upset with him saying things and I felt he was lying about it. I too didn't feel that I could leave. One child still at home, one in college and a high school education and had never been on my own. So I went through hell, lies, defensive, not acting remorseful.
> 
> Fast forward 30 yrs. later and I can't live with the thoughts of the love letters and he things he said to her. Sleeping with her, rather if they had sex or not. Three lie detector tests and the last one, the examiner didn't ask the one question that I wanted the answer to, $500 gone to waste. I don't have any feelings for him, have flashbacks all the time and just can't live with the knowledge of a betrayal of over 3 yrs. I was in my late 30's by the way when it took place. Now my health isn't good, I'm 76 yrs. old, 7 grandchildren, all grown and they think the world of us. They don't know and I never want them to. Nice home, no money worries, just me having flashbacks all the time of them together and living with someone you have no feelings for, along with him always trying to control everything. Now, I'm to tired to even bother with it. My biggest mistake was I didn't leave him over 30 yrs. ago and I'm miserable. Don't make the same mistake as me. Just kick him out and let the future take care of itself. Best of luck to you.
> 
> Granny7


This story is so sad I'm sitting here crying as I feel this will be me in 16 years time. Thoughts of something like that never leave you, you loved him so much. Im glad someone on here understands how I feel. We have no money worries either we live in a lovely country location have 1 grandchild of 2 years old everything looks great from the outside. Our grown up children havent a clue how Im feeling. In fact I think I'm in some sort of depression. I'm not a strong person and leaving wouldnt be easy for me.
What bugs me the most is if he had found a letter written to me from some random bloke I had met I would be kicked out the door without a doubt, but as always one rule for him and a different one for me.
Thinking of you Granny 7 b


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

PatBeggs said:


> My husband has kept a lot of letters too from a long term girlfriend he had before me. This doesn't bother me one bit, but why would you chance keeping a letter written so close to us getting married. Seems to me he didnt care if I found it.
> I can't even be bothered approaching him about it as I will probably only be told a whole lot of lies. There's so many other questions I have but I have tried approaching him before and get nowhere.
> Somewhere deep down I maybe don't want to know the whole truth.


I can hear your pain and I am so sorry. To him, this wasn't a big deal, it was a tryst that he had just under the wire before he got married. Getting the letter is probably something he threw in a box, maybe just in case the marriage didn't work out he could reach out to her. 

But to you, it's a brand new discovery like it happened yesterday. He will never understand that. He won't be able to empathize because it was so long ago and nary a thought in his brain. 

You will have to decide whether you want to be with this man going forward. Make your decision based on all the information you have. Listen to Granny too - maybe your situation is better, maybe not? Only you know the answer, but it seems now is the time to do some serious thinking about the rest of your life.

Good luck


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I would say you likely don’t want the whole truth (and wouldn’t get it anyway) because then you would have to deal with it. That knowledge forces a decision. I’m very familiar with Granny7’s story. I was a TAM lurker who joined to support her as I was in a very similar situation at the time she joined. Now, seven years later, I’m divorced and happy with my life. There was a price, of course. I had to let go of the image we presented to everyone of the perfect couple who had it all and lived the perfect life. Was my entire family shocked that I was getting out at that late time of my life? Absolutely. Were they supportive? Hardly. They all eventually came around but it took awhile. In the meantime I was on my own. Was that time comfortable? No, but it was worth it. My only regret is not doing it when I should have decades before. I think you, like Granny7, will convince yourself to stay so my suggestion is that you live your life for you going forward. Make your time count. You’ll never know all that he did any more than I know all my ex-husband did or Granny7 knows all her husband did. That’s the reality those of us who are cheated on all live with and we move on as best we can.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

PatBeggs said:


> I feel I am in a position to leave now but thinking if I have come this far just carry on. In general I dont have a bad life. What should I do?


You were in a position to leave years ago as well. You just chose to use your kids as an excuse not to. Lots of betrayed spouses use their kids as an excuse to stay because some feel ashamed to be settling for staying with a cheater, some just want to continue clinging to their cheater because they don't want to lose t he, and others are simply too afraid to make such a huge life move by leaving. So the perfect excuse is claiming you're staying for the kids - besides, it sounds much more noble than, "I'm afraid to get a divorce and/or live on my own.."

Your husband sounds like a real POS. And you're very correct when you say you've had suspicions of other times that hes cheated over the years. Of COURSE he's cheated again and again - not only is he a lying sack of **** with ZERO concern for your pain, but he's the type of nasty piece of work who told you to go pound salt when you DID confront him. What a prince.

And after he verbally abused you and didn't show you one single *ounce* of respect, you stayed with him. I'm just being honest here but you chose to stay with him year after year while he just cheated again and again, so you can't claim victim-hood now.

You've been a full fledged volunteer for years - and still are. Even now, you _still_ think deep down all he really did with that gal 12 years ago was be her 'pen pal.'

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, I guess.

You've stayed with this cheating liar and have continually let him put you at risk for STDs for *years* now, so I'm not sure why NOW is suddenly the time to go? 12 years ago was the time to go.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Granny7 said:


> I was in the same position that you were in, except that we had been married 26 yrs. when I was sent loving birthday cards that my husband had given to her. Her husband found them and mailed them to me. Her husband tried to warn me 3 yrs. before and I confronted my husband and he lied and made up a very good story and I believed him. Then I started thinking about things, did some research and found out that he went away 3 weekends with her. He convinced me that they didn't have sex, it was only for them to be alone, yea right! I even had him take 3 lie detector test and their was a question about them having sex and he didn't totally pass it. I was in so much pain as I had loved him so much and thought he felt the same way about me. Our sex life was good, we were both affectionate with each other, etc. I even joked with him about him never having an affair. Five years of counseling for me, he went sometimes and said he didn't believe in them. I left him twice as I was so upset with him saying things and I felt he was lying about it. I too didn't feel that I could leave. One child still at home, one in college and a high school education and had never been on my own. So I went through hell, lies, defensive, not acting remorseful.
> 
> Fast forward 30 yrs. later and I can't live with the thoughts of the love letters and he things he said to her. Sleeping with her, rather if they had sex or not. Three lie detector tests and the last one, the examiner didn't ask the one question that I wanted the answer to, $500 gone to waste. I don't have any feelings for him, have flashbacks all the time and just can't live with the knowledge of a betrayal of over 3 yrs. I was in my late 30's by the way when it took place. Now my health isn't good, I'm 76 yrs. old, 7 grandchildren, all grown and they think the world of us. They don't know and I never want them to. Nice home, no money worries, just me having flashbacks all the time of them together and living with someone you have no feelings for, along with him always trying to control everything. Now, I'm to tired to even bother with it. My biggest mistake was I didn't leave him over 30 yrs. ago and I'm miserable. Don't make the same mistake as me. Just kick him out and let the future take care of itself. Best of luck to you.
> 
> Granny7



Does he know how you feel? This is really sad and a good reminder to any of us staying in a marriage with a cheater.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Openminded said:


> I would say you likely don’t want the whole truth (and wouldn’t get it anyway) because then you would have to deal with it. That knowledge forces a decision. I’m very familiar with Granny7’s story. I was a TAM lurker who joined to support her as I was in a very similar situation at the time she joined. Now, seven years later, I’m divorced and happy with my life. There was a price, of course. I had to let go of the image we presented to everyone of the perfect couple who had it all and lived the perfect life. Was my entire family shocked that I was getting out at that late time of my life? Absolutely. Were they supportive? Hardly. They all eventually came around but it took awhile. In the meantime I was on my own. Was that time comfortable? No, but it was worth it. My only regret is not doing it when I should have decades before. I think you, like Granny7, will convince yourself to stay so my suggestion is that you live your life for you going forward. Make your time count. You’ll never know all that he did any more than I know all my ex-husband did or Granny7 knows all her husband did. That’s the reality those of us who are cheated on all live with and we move on as best we can.


@Openminded , may I ask you what age you were when you divorced your husband? Wasn't he an alcoholic?


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## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

aine said:


> Does he know how you feel? This is really sad and a good reminder to any of us staying in a marriage with a cheater.


No he hasn't a clue he's not very perceptive to my mood or just chooses to ignore. If he was quiet and withdrawn as I am this week I would be asking him what's wrong. I've tried to talk to him before about red flags but denied everything I accused him if he's never going to admit anything it's just not him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

aine said:


> @Openminded , may I ask you what age you were when you divorced your husband? Wasn't he an alcoholic?


No alcohol involved; he was “just” a long-time cheater whose actions never lined up with his words. I was really slow to make that decision but I’m very glad I did. There is nothing easy about dissolving a long marriage but it absolutely was worth it for me. Once my life wasn’t tied to his, the world became a much better place. I look back now and wonder how I stayed so long in such a dysfunctional marriage. Fear of the unknown is the answer.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

PatBeggs said:


> No he hasn't a clue he's not very perceptive to my mood or just chooses to ignore. If he was quiet and withdrawn as I am this week I would be asking him what's wrong. I've tried to talk to him before about red flags but denied everything I accused him if he's never going to admit anything it's just not him.


If the red flags imply that he is continuing to cheat and he is "never going to admit anything" they ultimately you need to live with it or leave him. Your choice.

Reading between the lines, I am sensing that you would like to work yourself up to the point that you divorce him. Instead I would suggest you figure out how to forgive him rather than becoming more angry with him. Once you have forgiven him, you can either divorce him or remain.

Good luck.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> If the red flags imply that he is continuing to cheat and he is "never going to admit anything" they ultimately you need to live with it or leave him. Your choice.
> 
> Reading between the lines, I am sensing that you would like to work yourself up to the point that you divorce him. Instead I would suggest you figure out how to forgive him rather than becoming more angry with him. Once you have forgiven him, you can either divorce him or remain.
> 
> Good luck.


@PatBeggs Forgiveness can make a huge difference, do it for yourself cause resentment will only destroy you not him. You could talk to him about it, let him know how it makes you feel. Have you done that?


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## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

aine said:


> @PatBeggs Forgiveness can make a huge difference, do it for yourself cause resentment will only destroy you not him. You could talk to him about it, let him know how it makes you feel. Have you done that?


I have planned to do that this weekend when no one else around and we gave time to talk.


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## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> If the red flags imply that he is continuing to cheat and he is "never going to admit anything" they ultimately you need to live with it or leave him. Your choice.
> 
> Reading between the lines, I am sensing that you would like to work yourself up to the point that you divorce him. Instead I would suggest you figure out how to forgive him rather than becoming more angry with him. Once you have forgiven him, you can either divorce him or remain.
> 
> Good luck.


I don't think he has continued to cheat now that he's older but then you never know. I need him to at least admit something before J can forgive him be straight with me at least.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

PatBeggs said:


> I don't think he has continued to cheat now that he's older but then you never know. I need him to at least admit something before J can forgive him be straight with me at least.


Exactly. You can't forgive him until you know what you are forgiving.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

PatBeggs said:


> I don't think he has continued to cheat now that he's older but then you never know. I need him to at least admit something before J can forgive him be straight with me at least.


The problem is that he likely doesn’t see where it benefits him to admit what he’s done and so he’s probably not going to. Certainly, you can ask but truth is difficult to come by.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@PatBeggs listen to @Granny7. She is wise in this kind of thing.

And hello, @Granny7. Seven years? It only seems like a couple of years since you joined TAM and we met back then. 🙂


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Admit to something.... no way in hell.
Your just fooling yourself. He isn’t admitting anything.

cheaters lie ... the best one is always when they use the “on the kids life” or whatever.

Did I mention cheaters lie ?

If I didn’t get to it yet I wanted to say: cheaters lie.

Oh by the way, cheaters lie

Did he cheat ..yes
Does he lie ... yes

Don’t worry... I sure they only met up to be alone and nothing else.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Webster’s Dictionary:

Cheater (chee-ta-er) : see liar


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> Admit to something.... no way in hell.
> Your just fooling yourself. He isn’t admitting anything.
> 
> cheaters lie ... the best one is always when they use the “on the kids life” or whatever.
> ...



If they are much older, with grown children and grandchildren and a good family/homelife/reputation, etc, he may be more willing to be transparent. 
Otherwise he may lose the benefits of the above or at least OP's time and energy which is probably important now. She could also decide to share her unhappiness with the family, none of which he would want. She has evidence (the letter) so it would be enough for him to choose transparency over losing the aforementioned benefits of his current life.
It would also make for better relationship going into their twilight years.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

PatBeggs said:


> We are still intimate yes but he's keener than me due to a few issues I have. I think we could both cope OK without each other although initially if would be hard.


He's keener, your kinder.
And, your still kinda ticked.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Gabriel said:


> Keeping the letter doesn't bother me as much as the fact he had a fling while you were engaged to be married. That would be the part that sticks. But even then, if my wife loved me, treated me well and I had a satisfying marriage, I think I could forgive this -it was before the wedding vows and water under the bridge. Sounds like you don't have all that great a marriage, though.
> 
> *My wife, for example, kept a bunch of love letters, etc, from a couple of her old, long term boyfriends before me.* They were part of her memory box. While I found it kind of annoying (as we still know one of those guys in a friend group), and questioned her about it, this wasn't a deal breaker for me. It was more of a memory that made up her life, something that reminded her of a precious time in her youth.


You are a better man, a better (for-give-her), than me. I see this as disrespectful.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

PatBeggs said:


> I don't think he has continued to cheat now that he's older but then you never know. I need him to at least admit something before J can forgive him be straight with me at least.


And, you already do not like the bloke. For a myriad of reasons.

And, you are likely looking for, *yet another excuse to leave him.

Which, is OK. 

*That excuse has always been kept close to your heart, since finding the letter.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

That letter, for him was a comforting thing to pull out and read.
It '_was' _also his 'ace in the hole' if he left you. So he thought.

It was also a tell-tale pen stuck in your heart.
For him, in the end, it will be the red-inked pen stuck in his lying eye, I suspect.

Paper trails produce more than paper cuts. They can bring down the works.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Openminded said:


> The problem is that he likely doesn’t see where it benefits him to admit what he’s done and so he’s probably not going to. Certainly, you can ask but truth is difficult to come by.


Yes it is.

While you are waiting and deciding what to do, @PatBeggs, perhaps consider telling him:

_ I was thinking about this again, stumbled across something that triggered a memory, and it’s starting to bother me after all these years. I know that is crazy, dear, but I just can’t help it. I’m thinking maybe I could just forgive you, if after all this time and all we’ve shared — the children, the life, etc. — if you just came clean and told me what silly thing you did on the verge of our marriage. And I mean, if it’s what you said before —if you tell me something that is easy to hear, then it’s not going to work. And you need to know I contacted her years ago, and her story was quite a bit different than yours. I know the truth, or at least enough if it, and decided to stay years ago. What’s missing is I need to hear the truth from you. Can you do that for me, for us, for the next decades we have?_

That is, disarm him. Make him feel it is safe to tell you the truth. Give him reason to believe telling you the truth will give home something he’d prefer (e.g. that you will sweep this under the rug again). Then, if that doesn’t immediately work, let him see from time to time it is still weighing on you and still effecting his life.

Don’t worry if it feels deceitful. You’ve earned the privilege.

Might not work. But maybe a better chance than the normal approach of simply asking.


Also, for privacy’s sake, ask a moderator like @MattMatt to change your username if it reflects your real name.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Oh, before you talk to him if you do, take a picture of the letter and envelope with the contact info, and put it in a safe place.

You don’t want him to destroy it, then start telling you it never existed in the first place.

And, if he were to ever gaslight you so blantantly, then you’ll know how dangerous he is to your well-being.

(To be clear, he has already gaslighted you.)


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

PatBeggs said:


> My husband has kept a lot of letters too from a long term girlfriend he had before me. This doesn't bother me one bit, but why would you chance keeping a letter written so close to us getting married. Seems to me he didnt care if I found it.
> I can't even be bothered approaching him about it as I will probably only be told a whole lot of lies. There's so many other questions I have but I have tried approaching him before and get nowhere.
> *Somewhere deep down I maybe don't want to know the whole truth.*


_Tain't true, ya wants ta know._

Yes, somewhere up-high, eye-high, (aye, yai, yai), you do.
Your rational mind wants to know, your irrational rabbit wants to keep it buried in its warren (and to prevent the continual warring between ya's).

It is said that, _The truth shall set your free! _
And, it darn well might.
It will set you free, divorced of that *once, lying skunk.

*Once is fact, more is speculation.

Unless.....

Unless, you live in *She'sStillGotIt's* world.
Once, then becomes the start, with the ending, never in sight.
And, she is often_ right_, here on TAM, though in politics she may be _left,_ dunno.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@PatBeggs I am only a moderator, I can't change names. However, @EleGirl who is a site admin can change your user name if you wish.


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