# To 'Man Up' = getting out or giving up?



## abracken30 (Oct 9, 2011)

I have long story to tell here, but it ends with a clear question. Thanks in advance for reading and I hope it's worthwhile for you.

As a little kid was 'old for my age' and never had a problem with grades...in fact I went to a school for the gifted for a few years. I understood and got along with adults a lot better than my peers. My parents were very focused on education and made enormous financial sacrifices to move me to a better school district so I get get the best education they could manage. Jumping ahead a few years, I've led a very successful career across two Fortune 500 companies, completed two degrees at A-list universities, travelled the world, been on TV, started earning well into the six figures, bought a BMW, etc, etc...all before I was 29. Coming from a blue-collar family in a rust-belt state, I've blown past the 'bar' for success. My grandmother puts it this way: 'you just have higher expectations...people that don't just stay where they are.'

So it all sounds like a good story so far? Here's the other side.

As a kid that's been 'old for his age', I've been really interested in the opposite sex early on. The trouble is, when you have parents that are completely focused on education...to the detriment of...sports, fashion, social skills, etc...the result is predictable. I spent my entire school career at the bottom of the social ladder. Going to school, successful as I was, was pure hell. Day after day I got to see beautiful, smart and active girls/women live it up with their boyfriends...completely out of reach. I was on the outside looking in. And of course nobody cared.

But...things started to change halfway through high school, when I could finally ditch my dorky glasses for contacts, buy my own clothes and drive a car. I had busted out of the basement of the social house and was at least on the first floor. I finally had 'access' to women. I went to dances, went on dates, and got laid for the first time. Better yet, I experienced love within a perfect summer romance...one of the high points of my life. Before I left high school, I was in my first long-term (1+ year) relationship.

So...as before...sounds like a good story again, right? Again, there's always two sides...

It was good that things turned around in high school, but to be quite honest it all really felt like a cheesy consolation prize. The girls I dated, with few exceptions, were average. I was still on the first floor of the social house. My 'long-term' relationship was completely devoid of sex. My one experience with sex in high school was exceptional, but unfortunately not repeated. All the while, I was surrounded by the same old beautiful, smart and active women...and this time I got to overhear how they were screwing their boyfriends every week. Outside looking in. Pure hell, again.

I was completely broken after the first year in college. At that point, I had had sex twice in my life, where my higher-tier 'friends' (female & male) were getting laid at least once a week. Night after night of sitting at home playing computer games while my friends went out finally blew a fuse. I was (and am) a pretty good-looking guy...confirmed with a lot of women. But growing up in the bottom of pack, I quite frankly sucked at social skills. I wasn't even in the game. So after a final nervous breakdown, I kicked it up a notch. I started the full-court press on a few women, went to frat parties, stopped focusing on school and became obsessed with sex. And lo and behold...it worked! Within a year I was having sex so much that it was pissing my roommates off. I was angry, emotional, and becoming a nasty person to be around...but again, I was getting some. I was like an animal: single-minded with low standards. But I was finally getting my fair share.

Unfortunately, my big takeaway at this point was that I had wasted my entire youth 'being the nice guy'. I had bought into the BS that if I did well, stayed out of trouble and always acted like a gentleman, the social side would follow. That there'd be a beautiful, smart, and active woman there for me. Again, BS. To me, it was all about making up for lost ground from here on out.

Right about this time, I met my future wife. I was 19, and she was 22. We started as friends, as I wasn't physically attracted to her. She was, and is, a very kind and giving person. I instantly respected her as she was very career-focused (similar to me) and seemed to be really headed somewhere. Quite honestly she intimidated me at first sight. Over the course of year being classmates, she initiated a physical relationship. We were about to say goodbye after class and she kissed me. At the time I had just broken up with a pretty low-quality girlfriend and was in an exceptionally cynical mood. So after we started making out, I led her to my apartment and she spent the night. Sex wasn't a question from day one...and quite honestly we wouldn't be together today if that wasn't the case.

We've been together for ten years since then. We got married a year after we first got together..as before at her request, and became parents two years after that. I've never been attracted to her physically, but she's such a genuinely good person that I've been able to rationalize it so far. It's like the old saying...'you need the body, heart and mind' to build a good relationship. In my case, the heart and mind is mostly there, and for the 'body' I try and ignore it as best I can. Unfortunately, my wife has gotten a lot less career-focused given my success, which creates more distance. She really can't relate to the fast-paced world I live in. One bright spot is that our daughter is turning out to be the person I wished I was: incredibly smart, attractive, giving and very socially adept. I'm a very proud father.

So...once again, here's where the story turns. Many of my colleagues at work really seem to envy me. I hear them say 'you've got it all figured out'...you're married, successful, a parent, and still very young. (I'm the only 30-year-old I know with a 6-year-old) But my view is that I made a big mistake, and now I either give up and live with it, or get out while I still can.

I'm not attracted to my wife and never have been. It's been a relationship of convenience where I'm getting 2/3rds of what I really want. To satisfy what I'm missing I've contemplated having an affair and am sort of at a tipping point. Leaving my wife is effectively the 'nuclear option' as it would destroy both our lives and (unacceptably) my daughter's life as well. I want another answer.

Which is where I'm stuck. 

If I could wave a magic wand, I would be married to a beautiful, smart and active woman that made me a better person. Someone driven and professional. Someone HOT. Again, I'm attractive, athletic, intelligent, well-educated and make a lot of money. I want the top-tier women I grew up with but didn't have the status to go after...until now. There's a voice in my head saying that 'I deserve better'. That voice is saying you have one life to live, and you'd better make this decision now while you're 30 versus calling it quits on happiness.

So...what's 'manning up' in this situation? Saying 'no' to what I want, or saying 'no' to my marriage?


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Read this post, and (because I figured I'd find a pattern) some of your other posts as well. Overwhelmingly you seem to be focused on looks and success... your post pointing the handicapped lady to "let her husband be free" should be proof enough to this point. 

I personally find that the "manning up" discussed on these forums is not at all what you are looking for. To make any link however, it would be that you need to be honest with your wife, tell her these thoughts, and if you _really_ feel you have to move on, let her move on without you cheating on her. Your post seems very self-righteous to me (opinion), and it really feels like your sense of entitlement is through the roof. However, you also seem self-aware enough to understand where these issues are coming from. Independent counseling is certainly what I would suggest, so you can start to validate, and then resolve these feelings you are having... those feelings being resentment, which you simply can't handle on your own without self-validating. Notice how many "self-<?>" terms I used? That's due to seeing nothing about your wife, and everything about 'you' within your post... <Joke:>"What's the polite way to say independent? Selfish"

Women's side: Of course your wife got less career focused because you are successful and because she is a mother- you are the breadwinner and the alpha. In my experience, the type of women you are describing are the ones who never settle, constantly looking for the one-up... that vicious cycle you are describing. You mentioned your co-workers stating "you've got it all figured out" - Of course they are taking a high level abstraction when making this comment, and that's the point- without all the layers, it's really nothing but an ego boost. The "man" you are describing is not a man who is attractive as a long-term solution. He's always looking for something better, always sure that "if not for his woman" he could have done better. "If I could wave a magic wand, I would be married to a beautiful, smart and active woman that *made me a better person.*" ...which is the reason I responded. You need to be a better person for you, and leaving that happiness up to someone else will only leave you with more gaps needing to be filled a few years down the road.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Let your wife go. She deserves a better man who will love her for who she is. Then you can pursue all the hot, shallow women you want who will give you the status you so richly deserve.


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## dontKnowMe (Jun 1, 2011)

People are going to give you a lot of crap for being so honest here. Ignore them. LOTS of people feel exactly the same as you do. The difference is that you have the guts to be honest. You are (finally) honest with yourself and you are honest in your post here. So who's the better man? The one that can't even admit to himself what he feels and cheats on his wife with hot women or you who admits to what you want and leaves his wife "the right way"?


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Cheating fills me with utter disgust...

Did you ever consider the husbands of those "hot women"? Their children? The lost homes, the bankruptcies? The utter despair??? 

HAVE YOU READ ANY OF THE POSTS ON THIS SITE???

You deserve...and'll get...a payback in spades in the fullness of time.


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## dontKnowMe (Jun 1, 2011)

Tommo,

What are you talking about? Who mentioned anything about cheating?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

dontKnowMe said:


> Tommo,
> 
> What are you talking about? Who mentioned anything about cheating?


Actually, maybe try re-reading the post. He's considering an affair.

To be honest, it seems like the issue is more about this feeling of that you were inadequate socially as a younger kid, and what might have happened if you were just as successful there as you are in the other areas of your life. Most people who didn't quite experience this feeling of inadequacy will tell you that you'll ultimately end up at the place where you just want to be with a woman who loves you deeply, regardless of what path you choose to take. I doubt this ever really helps, because it doesn't address how you feel now. Do you need to prove that you can attract a more beautiful woman to overcome this inadequacy? I'd suggest that you should also consider what it would be like to meet another woman who judges her relationship on exactly the same criteria as you do. Consider the types of things that can happen to you as you age, or if your career takes a radical change. As long as it feels acceptable to be judged the same way, even if she finds someone more appealing, then maybe your best option is to release your wife so she can find someone who values her for wha she is.


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## dontKnowMe (Jun 1, 2011)

Whoops, sorry. I missed that part.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

abracken30 said:


> So...what's 'manning up' in this situation? Saying 'no' to what I want, or saying 'no' to my marriage?


You should look up "split self affair", because you are the poster child for it.

One part of you feels the passion from the girl you have your eye on for the affair (whether she is real or imaginary at this point), and the other part of you wants to do the right thing, as you have said.

This has nothing to do with manning up IMO. You need to get individual counseling, because if you try to make a decision like this in the state you are in, you are going to bounce around for a long long time with this split and hurt a lot of people in the process. Once you repair the conflict within you, you'll be in a much better position to make a choice about your marriage.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

As per a previous poster, congratulations on your honesty - regardless of how people judge you, and I certainly don't, honesty has to be the first step in resolving a broken relationship one way or another.

My thought is though, that whilst you're expressing your true thoughts, your analysis and conclusions are all a bit muddled (been there, still doing it myself). Is your problem really as simple as wanting to have sex with women hotter than your wife? Something tells me not really otherwise you'd have taken the opportunities for one night stands and the like your job most likely provides. It sounds to me much more like the split self situation mentioned a few posts up. You're after a level of emotional intensity, closeness and connection your wife doesn't give you (and maybe never did). If you find someone who can give you that, you'll quite likely also find them hot even if, objectively, they're no more physically attractive than your wife.


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## dontKnowMe (Jun 1, 2011)

Great post grenville. I'd never heard of split-self and now I want to look into the concept more. Thanks.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

abracken,

The great Dr Freud says that all men subconsciously posses a death wish, also called thanatos. To avoid all the pain and messiness, we enact the wish symbolically by destroying our lives rather than our bodies. This is yours


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