# How to know when your ready for marriage



## readytowed (Jan 25, 2015)

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 18 months now. The topic of marriage always comes up, and when it does, I get very excited and then he turns around and says "I'm not ready". Reasons why he says this is because he feels like 1. he isn't manly enough to wed, 2. he doesn't have enough income to wed, 3. he is just not ready. He always says "I can sense you are ready and have been ready for some time to get married, but I'm not ready yet." I keep saying that I can't wait forever and don't want to wait for years to finally say "I do". 

What advice can people give with this situation? I just feel that he isn't as committed as he says he is. He is always telling me to be patient, but as a woman I can't wait forever. I love him, I really do, I just feel like I am miles ahead of him and he will never catch up. 

What do I do?


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## readytowed (Jan 25, 2015)

Hi Badsanta, 

We aren't in college no. We have both finished. I have been working for a year, where he has only finished last October. He is 23, I am 22. I just feel with all the mixed messages I don't know what to do. 

He is marriage material, I just don't know if he is my marriage material.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

readytowed said:


> He is marriage material, I just don't know if he is my marriage material.


He's not sure, you're not sure... both very good reasons to wait. 

If you'll really be together for the long haul, is it really a big deal to not have a ring for a while longer? Don't push him into marriage just because you want to be married. Just enjoy being together for a while.


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## readytowed (Jan 25, 2015)

It's not about the ring on the finger, it's about the fact that this always comes up and he is always saying "i want to marry you" but then he says he's not ready and keeps saying all these things as to why he isn't ready, and compares himself to me all the time. It just feels like a kick in the guts to have a guy you love say to you "i want to marry you" but then say "i can't get married because I'm not a real man". I just can't see the logic in that.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What does it mean to him to be a real man, ready to wed? 

It's not unusual for men to feel they need to be "established" in a career before they marry--not all men, not necessarily even most, but this is not uncommon.

What concerns me more is that you say he keeps comparing himself to you. This is both odd and unhealthy, IMHO. The two of you might want to consider some couples counseling and, if he won't go, get counseling for yourself.

Have some clear criteria that is both reasonable and flexible before making any commitment is a good idea. Having a vague idea that your partner is somehow always better/more grown up than you, is not. Getting some help resolving-at least for you, if not him--questions about his issues (readiness, comparing), could really help. Good luck.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I figure if you have to ask, you're not ready.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

readytowed said:


> My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 18 months now. The topic of marriage always comes up, and when it does, I get very excited and then he turns around and says "I'm not ready". Reasons why he says this is because he feels like 1. he isn't manly enough to wed, 2. he doesn't have enough income to wed, 3. he is just not ready. He always says "I can sense you are ready and have been ready for some time to get married, but I'm not ready yet." I keep saying that I can't wait forever and don't want to wait for years to finally say "I do".
> 
> What advice can people give with this situation? I just feel that he isn't as committed as he says he is. He is always telling me to be patient, but as a woman I can't wait forever. I love him, I really do, I just feel like I am miles ahead of him and he will never catch up.
> 
> What do I do?


Let's flip this around...please detail for us the reasons you think you ARE ready for marriage.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Do you live together right now? 22 is still so young. I was about that age when I got married, looking back I was such a kid still! Plus being together for just a year and a half isn't very long either. Not saying that that would be crazy or anything for you two to be ready for marriage given the circumstances, but that it isn't so unusual for your boyfriend to not quite be there yet. You haven't even been together a full 2 years yet, I'd be patient and grow in your career and strengthen your love for one another.

Another thing, men seem to view an engagement as almost instant to being married, and that wedding planning begins right there and then. Oftentimes they forget that an engagement is usually a year long, and can be more. I had a friend who was not feeling rushed to get married, but wanted to be engaged. They started dating when they were young and had been together for about 4 years when she got restless and wanted to be engaged so badly. She still didn't want to get married for a few more years yet, but wanted that commitment of saying they were engaged to be married and not just dating. Her boyfriend thought of an engagement as something that could not happen until a wedding was a year away and it caused some strife between them. I know, not quite the same as you as you ARE ready to be married, but perhaps you could come to a compromise of a long engagement? Or at least a sort of idea as to when he'd feel ready? 

I personally at that age and at not dating someone for even 2 full years yet would not push it. But that's just me. Men, and people in general, can change their minds drastically in a short amount of time. Who knows, this whole "becoming a man" thing could mean he's suddenly ready in a year to pop the question.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's only been 18 months. He's not ready, so stop pressuring him. If you really need to get married right away, let him go and find someone else. 

He's making up excuses because he doesn't want to get married. Take the hint. 

C


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Ready can you just put getting married out of your mind for a few weeks? Then spend some time reading these boards. You will find that a lot of awful problems stem from rushing into marriage, not discussing boundaries and deal breakers before marriage, and people marrying someone who wasn't ready for marriage. You can save yourself a lot of heartache by getting a glimpse into the potential problems you could have. 

For your sake I hope your SO doesn't give in to your pressure. I would give it more time and if he doesn't seem like he is preparing himself for marriage after another year or so then move on.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

readytowed said:


> It's not about the ring on the finger, it's about the fact that this always comes up and he is always saying "i want to marry you" but then he says he's not ready and keeps saying all these things as to why he isn't ready, and compares himself to me all the time. It just feels like a kick in the guts to have a guy you love say to you "i want to marry you" but then say "i can't get married because I'm not a real man". I just can't see the logic in that.


Why would you want to marry someone who says he is not a real man? You are going to have to reassure him his whole life. Do you really want to have to that?


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

jld nailed it...huge Red Flag. 

Also, I would think real hard about marriage at such a young age. People change sooo much from 20-30 and 30-40. If you look at the majority of marriages that ended in divorce on here, it's not a coincidence most ended after 15-25 years. Who you are at 22 will definaetly not be who you are at 42.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I believe he's simply not ready. He doesn't really know why he's not ready thus the grasping at ideas like he's not man enough. Perhaps he's afraid of everything marriage entails and thinks somehow if he were more manly he wouldn't be afraid. 

The reality is he may be ready at some point down the road...or he may never be ready. You have to decide if you're prepared to wait for him to figure it out.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

18 months is not even past honeymoon phase. Read up and study this.

Give it AT LEAST another year or 2 before ANY life long commitments.

Also, ask yourself, what exactly is "marriage". You see, marriage is just a made up status our government forced onto people....and to most women it's a 1 day celebration of a commitment....which btw costs A LOT (way more than ANYONE should EVER spend on one day).

ALL of your boyfriends worries are justified. He is not ready, LISTEN TO HIM. Do you want him to not be ready and say yes? That wouldn't be good either, would it?

As far as I can tell, you are not ready from a relationship perspective or financially. 

There is only one thing you both need right now, it's TIME.

Give it another year or 2 and see if the sparks you guys had int he honeymoon are still flying. If not, chances are high he is not the right one....if they are...you got the right one, but that doesn't mean you should marry right away.

Marriage is kind of worthless to be honest.......there is absolutely NO difference between relationship or marriage (other then legal one).

And yes, from a men's perspective he should be ****ting his pants when you ask. Put yourself in his shoes, how many men out there get financially raped in divorces and custody battles.......I'm shocked men still marry actually.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> Why would you want to marry someone who says he is not a real man? You are going to have to reassure him his whole life. Do you really want to have to that?


You know, him saying that is a good thing.

a) he probably realizes he is not mature /good enough of a men (what's wrong with that? self recognition IS a good sign of maturity)
b) it's most likely something he might have made up on the whim to get her off the back.

No woman should EVER EVER pressure a men to marry, especially 18 months into relationship.

THAT is a red flag in my book, and a MUCH MUCH MUCH bigger one than his.

:scratchhead:


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

22/23 yrs old, dating 18 months...marriage?? Seriously, why the rush?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

.....when you know it is YOU'RE as in 'How do you know when YOU ARE ready for marriage' not YOUR as in your marriage, your house, your school etc!

Otherwise I'm with Tulsy....you are both far too young. I'm not saying split up etc, just enjoy life to the max now. Travel, go places, do things...really get to know each other.

Once you marry next step is children. Be young and in love for the next five years before saying 'I do'...or should that be 'I does'..??!!!!!!!!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

How do you know you are ready for a relationship? 

Isn't that the same question? Marriage is the same as relationship, just a legal commitment and "1 day" celebration.

Remember this OP.

As far as "when to know". TO ME, rule of thumb is :
- wait until honeymoon phase is over (usually 2 years). if the sparks are still flying, give it 6 months + and assuming all is well......plan your wedding. If the sparks are gone after 2 years......WATCH OUT, probably not smart to proceed.
- live together - until you live with him, you just don't know him
- Be best friends and each others priority in life. Remember, relationships are about COMPANIONSHIP, COMMITMENT and COMPROMISE. If he or you are spending more time with your friends then each other.......or anyone or ANYTHING is a priority over your marriage, you are probably not ready for it.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

18 months! And you're both so young! Neither if you should even be thinking about this yet. If he says he's not ready - he's not ready! And if you have to ask how you know if you're ready... You're probably not ready. 

Take a breath. There is no need at all for you guys to rush. Look around this forum some more and you'll see where jumping into this kind of thing gets you.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

What does he mean by saying he's not man enough? That's an area you need to discuss. It could mean that he understands that marriage means taking on responsibilities and obligations that he doesn't think he can handle at this point. 

You could be feeding into that by stating all kinds of wishes for kids, a house, a dog, being a stay at home mom...whatever. He looks at them as lifetime obligations which they are. That's not something to rush in to. He's being sensible. Most guys don't buy in to the fairytale view of weddings and marriage.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Is your sex life satisfying? Does he initiate much?

Do you feel a longing to have children? That is an instinct that strikes men later. And today's low birth rate suggests that children are not desired in large numbers.

Perhaps not being a man yet refers to his unwillingness to have your relationship revolve around child rearing. 

Does your husband play sports? Stay in shape? Does he play computer games hour after hour?

Do you admire his intelligence?

One important part of becoming a couple is to avoid patterns of co-dependency. 

Do you encourage each other professionally with good distance? 

Do you share responsibility well?

What do your families think of you?


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